# Emotional cheated...maybe more....



## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Hey there! First of all I beg your pardon for my english mystakes. 

So.... I have been married since 2014 and have a wonderful daughter with my wife. We love each other and everything seemed perfect.

For the past 7 months she left with her work in another country and I remained with my daughter at home. We kept in touch via skype, facebook and whatsapp. 

About 1 week before her return I checked her facebook account and discovered that she had been obsesively watching a man's facebook profile.

Every day, multiple times per day, for 7 months. More than that, there was a single conversation with this man on facebook mess, in which she was asking him for his whatsapp number. (Obviously, I realised that she was talking with him via whatsapp). 

When she returned, I asked her about obsesively searching for his profile, and she motivated that she was only looking on his friends list, to see who else she knows.( I doubt about the reality of this fact because he didn't have many friends in his list. 

She would have found a lot more persons searching a couple of other people). I really tried to believe her, but of course, I couldn't. The next day, I took a glance in her whatsapp. I noticed that she spoke quite often with him, sometimes with video. I also noticed another fact. While she was gone I had my birthday. And I called her at about 16.30 local. 

She didn't answer, and called me back 10 minutes after. She said that she had a lot of work to do and didn't have time to call me and say happy birthaday. No problem. 

But when i looked into her whatsapp's call history, I realised that she was unable to answer because she was videochatting with that guy. I was upset....because she said that she didn't have time to call me earlier that day, but she somehow found time to talk with him (they don't have any kind of relationship, workingwise...so she was not talking with him in bussiness interest). 

When I asked her about this, she said that this guy was just a buddy and nothing more. And they used to go to eat together and maybe that's why she called him that day-to go to lunch. But really? I mean it was a 10 minutes long videocall. Just to ask to go to lunch? And before calling me to say happy birthday? Thats when my second red flag appeared. Then I looked for her whatsapp conversation with that guy. And surprise: nothing. 

When I asked her why she deleted the conversation (I bluffed, but she didn't call), she said that because they had some innocent jokes that have might upset me. Like he said that she was their company's pride and she said that he was her favourite colleague. 

And then they continued with these jokes( my pride/ my favourite) and she was afraid that if I saw the conversation I would get mad. Then I asked her to give me the phone and recover the conversation. She had a very agressive behaviour telling me that we might just break up if I don't trust her anymore. 

And I said ok. A vouple of hours later she apologised and said that she will tell me everything and after that I can recover the conversation, if I will still want to. 

She told me that night that they became really close after another guy hit on her and she was a bit upset. Thats when he came to her to ask her what is all about and she told him that guys keep hitting on her and she is tired of it. Then he told her to remain cool, 'cause they are all pigs and don't deserve any attention. Thats when, she said, they became really close and began to speak with him about everything(including things which she couldn't speak with me). 

She said that she preffered to speak with him when someone hit on her(so that she wouldn't make me mad) or when I didn't have time( because I work a lot), etc. Another night she told him that she really misses me to grab her into my arms. And he asked if he couldn't take my place and hug her for me. And she said yes. And since then they keeped sending good night hugs and kisses to each other. And that's the real reason for deleting the conversation. 

As I promised, I remained calm and abandoned the idea of recovering the conversation. I asked to send him a message in which to say that it was a mistake, she was vulnerable and encouraged a conversation which shouldn't take place. And that she told me everything. And she did. She sent him the message and he dissapeared from all social webs. 

I promised her to pass over this event and go on with our lives. But I just can't. I keep thinking about this. I keep wondering if there was more than this.. I keep thinking that she temporarily replaced me. I feel betraied. I earn very good, I look ok...many of her (unloyal) girlfreinds hit on me ( one even said that she doesn't deserve me) ...but I always remained beside her. And now I don't know what to do, 

I keep thinking about this incident and fail to go on, although I promise I will. What do you think I should do? Thanks.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think she had a full on affair. If you accept this and let it pass then you are only fooling yourself to think she respects you.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

That's what I am afraid about. She keeps telling me that she didn't see anything physical in him. That it was all about speaking 'cause he was always listening and showed her that he cares.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes! This would have gone physical and might yet. And if not him, with someone else.

She has severe boundary problems and she cannot be trusted.

I think counseling might help, but only if she is being honest, which she isn't.

A lie detector might help.

Is this her first time with cheating on you? Because she was cheating on you. Emotionally or physically.

Husband/childminder at home, fancy man for excitement. This is not good.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She says he's just a buddy and nothing more... and you are even less. 

No more working a job where she can't be at home every night. Total transparency with all devices, emails, social media accounts.

That would be my minimum requirement to attempt to fix things.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Yes, it's the first time! It seemed impossible for this to happen to me. She seemed always so in love with me... I completely trusted her. She was the kind of woman I had to push to wear something sexier, never hanged put without me... thats why it is so hard for me to believe this is real...without taking intp consideration that there might have been more...which is quite probable.. I really want to believe her...that it was only talking...but man...the topics were inapropriate. They even spoke about me...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

There's a lot of concerning stuff here and I agree with everything else said her so far but the first thing I noticed that was most alarming it this;

"She had a very agressive behaviour telling me that we might just break up if I don't trust her anymore"

A mother/wife willing to say and do this has a lot on her conscience right now and most likely a lover she is wishing she was with unfortunately. She needs to be snapped out of it ASAP. You will make her more upset by doing the things necessary but if you want to save the marriage, any chance you have is to go ahead with ultimatums and your list of deal breakers.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She's lying. She has strong feelings for this man and has done things she hasn't told you about. Do whatever is necessary to get to the truth. Your best strategy might be to avoid confrontation for a while and pretend that you don't suspect anything, while checking if she's still in contact. Your methods of gathering this information can include a voice-activated recorder (VAR) for times she's alone at home, and a keylogger for her computer. 

You might find that their relationship has ended now that they're in different locations. This is unfortunate, because you might never know the truth or the extent of what she's done. If this is the case, you should consider subjecting her to a polygraph examination (this might be hard to do in your country).


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Never knowing the truth is the thing which upsets me the most. I am pretty sure she is over this guy, 'cause she is willing to do anything now to make me forget. And yes, I got a better job and we're moving out and I'm sure she will not keep in touch. The thing is that I cannot forget the past. And she keeps telling me to focus on important things like finding a house and good kindergarden for the child...and not think about this anymore. And another thing that is bothering me. She always says that I make a big deal out of nothing, and there was nothing serious, but she did it because she didn't have who to speak to. And exactly this is how I feel now. I want to talk about it, and I thought the best thing was to do it with her. But she gets really angry and doesn't want to talk about it. She keeps telling me to focus on the important things, 'cause that was nothing. But I can't stop thinking about her telling him to hold her...talking to him about me...that I always check in with her converning big decisions (like that is a bad thing....she told him that I ask her opinion so I can blame her if things go wrong)and God knows what other things...


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

She was alone in another country for 7 months. She becomes emotionally involved with another man. The OM assumes the role of her protector and confidant. She comes home and immediately lies about the relationship, deletes records, and only under pressure to admits to more. But... it never went physical, at least nothing more than a hug.

Seriously... She's lying.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Sometimes I think that maybe I would have handled it better if it was only a one night stand. Rather than seeing in him what she should've seen in me.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

focus on important things like finding a house and good kindergarten for the child...

Instead of something completely ridiculous like her marriage and husband ?????

I know it's tough right now ..... don't swallow it down, this has nothing to do with you doing anything wrong.

She is lying. She has her eye on that house and your better job. Don't fall far it !!!!!


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Come on, dude. You know what's going on. Lots of lessons to be learned in this all-too-common example of a cheating wife. Sorry you joined the club. The good news is that you're about to go through total hell, and then you'll come out better than ever.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

She said that she fell for it because he was showed that he cares about her. He was always asking her if she ate, listened to her, etc. And that he saw in her exactly the same thing that she saw in him: a friend. But a few days later I asked her if they kissed...and she said that he tried but she refused and told him that he was confused. It is clear that he had other intentions from the begining. The bastard...and he knows me and still went for it. I can't understand what she could have seen in him, 'cause she had always such high standards. And this guy is a nobody and completely unattractive. Check this out: his wife is expecting a child. And when they were away she proposed me to be godparents to his child... What was she thinking? Thank God I said tgat maybe we should give it some more thought


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She said that she fell for it because he was showed that he cares about her. He was always asking her if she ate, listened to her, etc.

Yeah she's trying to blame it on you like it was your fault it happened.

Please...Please..Please...seriously...WAKE UP !!!!

She is totally lying to you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Yes, it's the first time! It seemed impossible for this to happen to me. She seemed always so in love with me... I completely trusted her. She was the kind of woman I had to push to wear something sexier, never hanged put without me... thats why it is so hard for me to believe this is real...without taking intp consideration that there might have been more...which is quite probable.. I really want to believe her...that it was only talking...but man...the topics were inapropriate. *They even spoke about me..*.


Bad news. When you are vilified it is never good. I would say this went beyond a EA.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

I'm sorry... I am not familliar with the term EA


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Emotional Affair


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Thanks!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your mind is creating false reality as a protection mechanism.
The faster you can move to the obvious truth the better.
Read the PM I sent you.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

So what do you think I should do? Tell her that I was wrong and actually I'm unable to move on...and break up? Or do anything I can to forget and forgive her?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You were not wrong! You didn't do anything wrong! She is wrong.
The only thing your doing wrong is believing her lies.

There are countless stories of how this plays out in the end. You end up finding absolute evidence that she cheated....and you finally believe it.
It drags on forever....you go freaking nuts inside your head. It takes some people years and years of wasted years to get there. Don't be that guy.

Your OLD wife and relationship is never coming back. This is DAY 1 of a new chapter.

Her past affair will NEVER leave your mind...trust is shattered. Best to work on yourself and save the misery...


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Your next move is to talk to his wife. Then you will start getting details.

Do NOT tell your wife that you are doing this. Not only will she likely warn him but it’s a great test of No Contact. If you contact his wife and your wife magically learns of this then you know for sure that No Contact is not in place.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Well yeah.... I thought about it. I made my wife text him to avoid me so that no other conflicts will generate. And I considered talking to his wife. But at a second thought... she has no fault...she is expecting a baby.... I don't want to hurt her


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

One last ditch attempt to get the truth might be to bluff the guy. Call him and tell him that your wife confessed to having sex with him one time. Tell him you can forgive it happening just one time and you won't report it to his company if he just confirms that it happened just that one time. Tell him that you understand that everyone makes one-time "mistakes" and you just want to confirm that it wasn't a long-term sexual relationship.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

What if he says it didn't happen? I know I would say nothing happened...


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

And I can't break up with my wife based on some suppositions. I know...it may be obvious...but cheating is not a certainty. I am sure it was more than she conffesed...don't know if it got physical or not...she says she was not even atracted to this guy...but why the obsesive search of his profile? 3 to 10 times a day...every day...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> And I can't break up with my wife based on some suppositions. I know...it may be obvious...but cheating is not a certainty. I am sure it was more than she conffesed...don't know if it got physical or not...she says *she was not even atracted to this guy..*.but why the obsesive search of his profile? 3 to 10 times a day...every day...


Let me guess, this guy was also not into women as well..... they all say the same thing John13. Cheaters have a handbook with play by play and associated common statements/answers. Typical statements: "Not my type", "He is gay" and "He is like a brother". The worst of all, "We only kissed once." Code for we has sex...a lot.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> So what do you think I should do? Tell her that I was wrong and actually I'm unable to move on...and break up? Or do anything I can to forget and forgive her?


You are not wrong. Your W conducted an EA(emotional affair) and perhaps more. Keep digging. Everything is brought into the light eventually. Do not sweep this under the carpet.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Well then I'm lucky...she said they didn't kiss. She refused him. I always said that it is better never to meet him so that I don't do anything stupid.. but come to think...I would like to talk to him and hear what he has to say for himself


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Thanks @Yeswecan...that is exactly what I want...the whole truth...nothing more...nothing less...but I think I have wasted all my resources....can't find a way to find out ghe whole truth


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

john13 said:


> Thanks @Yeswecan...that is exactly what I want...the whole truth...nothing more...nothing less...but I think I have wasted all my resources....can't find a way to find out ghe whole truth


Lie Detector....This is that serious.

I don't believe your wife.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Thanks @Yeswecan...that is exactly what I want...the whole truth...nothing more...nothing less...but I think I have wasted all my resources....can't find a way to find out ghe whole truth


Here is the deal, your W is the one that needs to prove that nothing more happened. Deleting text does not do that now does it? Further, asking the OM is a waste of time as you know. OM is not your problem. Your W is the problem. This will come to light eventually. I'm betting NC will be broken if not already. 

Quietly keep watch.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Well then I'm lucky...she said they didn't kiss. She refused him. I always said that it is better never to meet him so that I don't do anything stupid.. but come to think...I would like to talk to him and hear what he has to say for himself


Waste of time. OM will tell you what you want to hear. Similar to what your W is doing now. 

Your W needs to realize this poor choice of basically courting OM has undermined your marriage. Unless the truth is provided and IC is scheduled by your W to find out why she did what she did this marriage will not last. 

Be prepared to lose this marriage to save it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Don't listen to people telling you they got physical because you don't know and they don't know either. Just focus on what you do know.

Focus on how many times she lied to you. It should not be acceptable that your WIFE lied and does nothing but caused more suspicion in your mind.

Focus on the fact that she on the phone with HIM and ignored YOUR call. That should not be acceptable.

Focus on the fact that she made time to talk to HIM but not to call YOU to wish you a happy birthday. She was so wrapped in HIM that she didn't even think about YOU for your birthday. She only called because she was returning your call - the call that she ignored in order to talk to him.

Focus on the fact that she has been having this emotional affair with him. That is betrayal just as if they have a physical affair. She betrayed you, and she continues to cover it up by lying to you and deleting her trail of contacts with him. She has caused this turmoil in your marriage and caused you to wonder what they did and didn't do. That is betrayal of your marriage.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Sorry again...Whats is NC and IC?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here. She's lying. If you want to stay in this marriage, see a marriage counselor. For you, see a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction. From now on, no male friends for your wife. She's a liability to your marriage when it comes to having male friends!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

john13 said:


> Sorry again...Whats is NC and IC?


No contact and individual counseling I think.

And let me add you should focus on the fact that she searched him so many times and gave you a lame reason for it. She didn't try nearly so much to contact you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Sorry again...Whats is NC and IC?


NC no contact
IC individual counseling
EA emotional affair
PA physical affair
OM other man
OW other woman
POS piece of sh_t


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

At this point you know your wife has already put you second to her "search friend".

The point of her wanting you to focus on the "important things" is to take the pressure off her bad behaviour and try to sweep it under the rug.

As people have mentioned, this is more important now if you want to turn things around and save your marriage.

You can be an absolutely great father to your child without being married to a wife that does not respect/care for you.

In order to move on, you have to know what went on and what you need to forgive (if you can).

Good luck.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

@rosalyn....you're a woman...you see things differently than us men.. What would be the most rational thing fpr me to do in this case?


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

And guys... She says she is willing to do anything I want in order to trust her again. What should I want from her? What should she do?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Perhaps she could take a polygraph (lie detector) test. Is that something that could be done in your country ? Do you mind me asking what is your native language (or where are you from)?

We could help you frame the questions.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Don't listen to people telling you they *got physical* because you don't know and they don't know either. Just focus on what you do know.
> 
> Focus on how many times *she lied to you.* It should not be acceptable that your WIFE *lied* and does nothing but caused more suspicion in your mind.


I highlighted the important parts. Your W lied. You can not believe a word from your W at this juncture. A multitude of things could have gone on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

john13 said:


> And guys... She says she is willing to do anything I want in order to trust her again. What should I want from her? What should she do?


first of all complete transparency...no passwords on phones, no apps that can be used to hide things
not sure if you country offers polygraphs but is she willing to take a lie detector ?
No deleting any text what so ever 
i would put access to her face book and also keylogger of some sort so you can get a hold of anything she writes and tries to erase.
she needs to do some heavy lifting to win you back


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

You're right. I'm from Romania


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

@Lostinthought61...already did all that. Other ideas?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

john13 said:


> @Lostinthought61...already did all that. Other ideas?


does your country allow for lie detector's and if so will she take it? 

also what is she willing to do to prove that she did not cheat? what has she said she would do ?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

john13 said:


> And guys... She says she is willing to do anything I want in order to trust her again. What should I want from her? What should she do?


Data recovery on the phone to get the deleted messages.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hey John . Take her phone away from her right this second. I have something for you that will recover everything ever deleted. I'll send you details in the morning when I wake up. You will get your answer and any pictures deleted. I've used this on my daughter's phone before


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Well.. @Lostinthought61...I will inform myself about the lie detector. And anything else...she once said she would do anything. And then I told her that I want her to talk to him and say to him everything I wrote in the message, and record the conversation, in order for me to hear his reactions. That way, I thought, I could make sure that there was nothing more than she admited. The thing is that now, she doesn't want to speak to him anymore, she says she wants to avoid him and end everything.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Hey John . Take her phone away from her right this second. I have something for you that will recover everything ever deleted. I'll send you details in the morning when I wake up. You will get your answer and any pictures deleted. I've used this on my daughter's phone before


Is it legal/ on the up and up? Is this something you can share?


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Yes, I tried to recover the conversation but I couldn't. She has iphone 7 plus and the app didn't do the job.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

It is legal as I would do it with her approval. If she doesn't agree it means it is a lot more


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Well.. @Lostinthought61...I will inform myself about the lie detector. And anything else...she once said she would do anything. And then I told her that I want her to talk to him and say to him everything I wrote in the message, and record the conversation, in order for me to hear his reactions. That way, I thought, I could make sure that there was nothing more than she admited. The thing is that now, she doesn't want to speak to him anymore, she says she wants to avoid him and end everything.


Because the real truth will be brought out in the open. Your W is actively carpet sweeping.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It's called Forensic Data Recovery and comes on a USB stick.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Yes, I tried to recover the conversation but I couldn't. She has iphone 7 plus and the app didn't do the job.


Does your W phone sync with the icloud?


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

No, her icloud backup was off... I will search for that program. Thank you! Hope it can be sent here


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

@Mr.Married, I googled it...but there are many systems which provide this service. They are all forensic data recovery systems. Which one do you recommend? I tried with some apps but with no success.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

If I manage to recover the conversation and realise that there is nothing more that she hid from me...I will get peace of mind, understand that it was just a mistake and move on...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since she was searching him numerous times a day, what times was she doing that? At work, night weekends? Where was his wife? Do you mean she was looking at his Facebook page? Were they using Facebook to message? 

Where did she live and where did he live? Did they have roommates?


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Well...1. She searched his facebook profile multiple times a day. There was no patern, I assume everytime she had some spare time.
2. His wife was home. They left with work in another country.
3. I checked her history search on facebook and saw that she searched for his profile every day. Don't know the reason.
4. There was only one short conversation on facebook in which she asked for his whatsapp no.
5. Yes they both had roommates. It would have been difficult to sneak together somewhere, but not impossible.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

"Quote:
Originally Posted by StarFires View Post
Don't listen to people telling you they got physical because you don't know and they don't know either. Just focus on what you do know.

Focus on how many times she lied to you. It should not be acceptable that your WIFE lied and does nothing but caused more suspicion in your mind."


OP,
There are thousands of threads here, they all tend to follow a script to a point, some you can predict what their next move is. Which I believe has already happened.

If it was me, I would take the suggestions from the most experienced posters. They have seen a lot and know their ****.

Or you can listen to this poster, but looking at their posting history, they seem biased.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

You are right...and i will. Thats the reason I'm here. To listen to people who passed through these kind of experiences and take the right call.. but before that...my main objective is to find out the whole truth.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

I am thinking about a phone conversation....a way to hear his point of view...maybe that way I can find out new things...don't really know...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

john13 said:


> Hey there! First of all I beg your pardon for my english mystakes.
> 
> So.... I have been married since 2014 and have a wonderful daughter with my wife. We love each other and everything seemed perfect.
> 
> ...


No guy is going to hang around for 7 months without having sex. Your wife cheated and when you called the guy out on it he disappeared. 

Does your country have laws that allow you to prosecute the other man for having sex with your wife?

If so, this is why he disappeared.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

john13 said:


> So what do you think I should do? Tell her that I was wrong and actually I'm unable to move on...and break up? Or do anything I can to forget and forgive her?


This is up to you. Ask for the truth. Tell her that no guy is going to do what the OM did without something in return. Then see if you believe her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

john13 said:


> Well yeah.... I thought about it. I made my wife text him to avoid me so that no other conflicts will generate. And I considered talking to his wife. But at a second thought... she has no fault...she is expecting a baby.... I don't want to hurt her


Wait until after the baby is born.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> I am thinking about a phone conversation....a way to hear his point of view...maybe that way I can find out new things...don't really know...


The OM is married and child on the way. What do you think OM will tell you? It was all platonic. We were like brother and sister. OM will lie and lie. OM owes you nothing. OM will do his best to keep you from call his W and dropping the news.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

john13 said:


> Well...1. She searched his facebook profile multiple times a day. There was no patern, I assume everytime she had some spare time.
> 2. His wife was home. They left with work in another country.
> 3. I checked her history search on facebook and saw that she searched for his profile every day. Don't know the reason.
> 4. There was only one short conversation on facebook in which she asked for his whatsapp no.
> 5. Yes they both had roommates. *It would have been difficult to sneak together somewhere, but not impossible.*


If there is a will there is a way.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

john13 said:


> If I manage to recover the conversation and realise that there is nothing more that she hid from me...I will get peace of mind, understand that it was just a mistake and move on...


Keep in mind you may recover data off the phone, but they may have been careful to not leave a trail. So it does not mean nothing happened.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Workplace affairs are also the hardest to catch and confirm. Keep that in mind.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

john13 said:


> @rosalyn....you're a woman...you see things differently than us men.. What would be the most rational thing fpr me to do in this case?


OP, (1) first thing that you demand from your wife since she said that she will do anything is transparency. She must give all passwords to you & sink her computer & phone to yours so that you can see all entries. You need to be able to see her phone anytime. No deleting messages on her part. Next (2), no male friends on one to one contact.

(3) She takes a polygraph, if available in Romania, to believe her. (4) Go to marriage counseling if you wish to stay in this marriage. (4) Go to a psychologist for yourself to build your self-esteem so as not to take trash treatment from your wife.

I truly believe that your wife is lying. She had an affair whether, an emotional affair or physical one. Your wife has no scruples in having an affair with a married man who has a pregnant wife! Her looking up his Facebook page everyday is telling. She was digging information about him. This is more than a friendship interest and you know it. Sorry you are here.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

John13

Ask your wife this oh so easy question to answer.

If the roles were reversed, would she want answers? Would she believe what she’s told you? Would she want the truth? Would she want to talk about it? Would she trust you? Would she say to just forget about it? 

John13 you need to schedule a polygraph, you need to get a lawyer, and you need to tell her you may never trust her again. If you want your marriage, you must be willing to give it up. In your case, I would visit OM at his workplace, thank him for being so caring about your wife while his wife is at home pregnant. Embarrass him, do not worry if the fallout hits your wife too, she needs that hit as much as OM. In fact I would pay someone legitimately to get OM’s wife’s number, then dial it in front of your wife. Tell your wife maybe OM’s wife will get more information from OM then your wife told you. Tell your wife you won’t make the call if she comes totally clean. Ah, but don’t stop there, when she gives you just a few more crumbs and swears that is the whole truth, tell your wife she has only delayed the call until tomorrow. 

You see john13, it’s all about pressure, the fact OM only tried to kiss your wife will not sit well with a woman who is pregnant. Be sure to remind your wife of that, that added pressure will provoke your wife to tell more. Act, and I say act, that you don’t care one ounce for OM or his pregnant wife, that you will tell her regardless of her health or pregnancy. Come across as a man possessed for the truth, call her parents at this point and say you are going to tell them. Call your family, say you will tell them. Tell her you are going to call the HR department so both lose their jobs. I am correct in assuming your wife and OM work for the same company, correct? 

Be strong and decisive, keep piling pressure on your wife, she will crack, and that is the closest you will ever get to the truth.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

john13 said:


> I am thinking about a phone conversation....a way to hear his point of view...maybe that way I can find out new things...don't really know...


No. If you contact him, you will ruin any chances of being able to have contact with his wife. He will paint you as some crazy guy who's married to a friend.

You need to contact his wife without contacting him.

Your wife is full of crap. You know that, right?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

eric1 said:


> Your next move is to talk to his wife. Then you will start getting details.
> 
> Do NOT tell your wife that you are doing this. Not only will she likely warn him but it’s a great test of No Contact. If you contact his wife and your wife magically learns of this then you know for sure that No Contact is not in place.





john13 said:


> Well yeah.... I thought about it. I made my wife text him to avoid me so that no other conflicts will generate. And I considered talking to his wife. But at a second thought... she has no fault...she is expecting a baby.... I don't want to hurt her


 You should really listen to @eric1 and heed his advice. If you really don't want to hurt the OM's (other man's) wife you would tell her the truth, otherwise, you are complicit in their affair. If his wife knew the truth wouldn't you want to know. You will hurt her far more with your silence than telling her ever would. Besides the Advantages eric1 stated, which are huge, you also get a set of eyes on the OM while you are watching your wife. This is the best way to start to get the truth you so desperately seek. To reiterate DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are going to speak with OM's wife, if your wife finds out you will know she is still in contact with the OM.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You seriously can't believe that your wife was overseas alone for 7 months formed a close friendship with a guy you were told nothing about, they went on lunch dates quite often, had wattsapp installed and deleted messages from you but you think nothing physical happened. Sorry to burst your bubble. They fuc...ked and probably fuc...ked many times like rabbits.

Your wife sending him a no contact message means nothing as she can easily contact him through alternate methods and explain she was forced by you to send the no contact message.

Unless you give her some real consequences for her behavour this will happen again.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

centralspyshop.com/counter-spy-surveillance-equipment/data-recovery-products/cellphone-data-recovery/irecovery-stick-recover-data-from-your-iphone-and-ipad.html

you will have to check her iOS version to see if compatible.

iOS v10.x and below

You need to take her phone away right now....or she will "accidentally" lose it


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Well yeah.he disappeared..or at least he thinks he did. 'Cause I did some research on my own and got his birthday, phone number, andI will also try to find his address. He has uninstalled his facebook account andhis wife doesn't have one..but I still can get to him. 
Yes, I will try one more time to recover the conversation using this tool. Hope it will work.
I would have called him on his birthday to wish him all the best and notify him that maybe I will pass by later to give him the birthday hugs that he loves so much..but I can't wai until then.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Ok...so I go to his wife.. What do I say to her? And how?.... I find it easier to go to him...


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

@drifting on ...sounds good...I think the pressure might do the job..just have to play it right


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

go to the wife....she will pressure the hell out of her husband....she is pregnant and will berate the hell out of him. She may get more answers...and then you can share.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

the pregnant wife needs to know!! Get it out in the open...expose the truth


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Thinking of putting pressure on him by threatning to tell his wife. Would it work?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

uuuummmm....it might. Maybe try telling him you want every last detail and when you find out later that he skipped one small detail you are going to call his wife.
Don't forget to mention you are having all the data on your wife's phone recovered.


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Yeah...I'll try to do that in the weekend when I return home. I'll go to him and clear things out


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

And then at the end of the conversation have him send your wife a text that says "I told him everything".
Then you tell your wife ..... tell me everything and if doesn't match his story I will call his wife.
Neither party knows what the other said and you have some leverage for them to tell you everything


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

john13 said:


> Thinking of putting pressure on him by threatning to tell his wife. Would it work?




No, this will just warn him. The ONLY pressure that works is the one that his wife applies to him.

Cheaters cheat. He’ll just log onto her Facebook, block your number of her phone, etc if you give him the heads up. Then they’ll wait until this has all blown over and start again.

His wife needs to know that her husband tried to kiss your wife (confirmed) and that there is probably more that you do not know.

Again, don’t tell your wife that you are doing this. If she finds out then you’ve confirmed that they have a back channel way to communicate. 

This is the best tool at your disposal right now. Use it.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> And then at the end of the conversation have him send your wife a text that says "I told him everything".
> 
> Then you tell your wife ..... tell me everything and if doesn't match his story I will call his wife.
> 
> Neither party knows what the other said and you have some leverage for them to tell you everything




With all due respect, this never works. Both her and her boyfriend lie and will continue to lie. It’s the default action. It also assumes no communication behind-the-scenes which is unfortunately very very common.

Also, why would he send a text implicating himself?


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## john13 (Mar 6, 2018)

Yeah I think Eric has a point


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

They'll both lie. As I've said, the only way to get the truth is to bluff. Either tell your wife that he confessed, or tell him that your wife confessed. They'll either try to give you a limited version of the truth at that point, or express complete shock that someone is confessing something that didn't happen. 

The more interesting result is to hear what conversation happens between them after your bluff. It's either "Why are you lying about a physical relationship we never had?" or "Why did you tell him about us? Tell me what you told him, so I can give him the same story."


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

John, Eric's advice is best. If he thinks that you are going to speak to his wife, there are many things he would do. Firstly, he would block you on all her communication media. He would also explain that there is a psycho husband around who is pursuing him for no reason and that both you and your wife are loopy!

Trying to trick them into giving separate stories to you rarely works since, if they are still continuing, the have already got their stories together down pat.

Speak with his wife asap. It is the right (moral) thing to do and it is also strategically the best thing to do because you now have an extra pair of eyes on him. You can then continue to compare notes to catch them both out.

Have you thought about the lie detector test for your wife in Romania ?

Take care.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Right. Don’t overlook the most powerful part - by contacting the wife you test that No Contact is in place. By contacting the husband you create incentive for him to break No Contact.

Contacting the wife is also the moral, kind thing to do. While hard, she deserves to know the situation that she’s in. Isn’t it more kind for her to know she’s married to someone who is diverting his emotional energy from the family? Isn’t it kind to let her know she’s depending 100% on someone who could leave her at any moment? Isn’t it kind to let a mother who has five kids depending on her know that she may be exposed to Sexually Transmitted Diseases that quite literally could leave the children without both parents? Isn’t it kind to assume that she’s a powerful woman who should be handling information like this and not some stereotype poor, downtrodden helpless wife?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

eric1 said:


> No, this will just warn him. The ONLY pressure that works is the one that his wife applies to him.
> 
> Cheaters cheat. He’ll just log onto her Facebook, block your number of her phone, etc if you give him the heads up. Then they’ll wait until this has all blown over and start again.
> 
> ...


This. 

Do. Not. Contact. Him. 

Period.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think I'm starting to see ya'll point....perhaps the husband contact is indeed a bad idea.
That's why multiple opinions are good !


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> I think I'm starting to see ya'll point....perhaps the husband contact is indeed a bad idea.
> 
> That's why multiple opinions are good !




I don’t mean to dismiss you in any way. You’re a great guy!


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## fotf17 (Sep 25, 2017)

eric1 said:


> Right. Don’t overlook the most powerful part - by contacting the wife you test that No Contact is in place. By contacting the husband you create incentive for him to break No Contact.
> 
> Contacting the wife is also the moral, kind thing to do. While hard, she deserves to know the situation that she’s in. Isn’t it more kind for her to know she’s married to someone who is diverting his emotional energy from the family? Isn’t it kind to let her know she’s depending 100% on someone who could leave her at any moment? Isn’t it kind to let a mother who has five kids depending on her know that she may be exposed to Sexually Transmitted Diseases that quite literally could leave the children without both parents? Isn’t it kind to assume that she’s a powerful woman who should be handling information like this and not some stereotype poor, downtrodden helpless wife?


OP, I'll also push for what Eric is saying here. Inform the wife, not the husband. 

With my wife's EA, I did just that - I was able to track down the wife and sent her an email. (As a side note, I took a second email because my first one was vague enough that she thought it was spam - the second one included personal info that immediately indicated it was legit.). 

The results of this were at least threefold:

(1) I discovered that the No Contact agreement was being broken. They had indeed continued communication.
(2) The wife became a source of information for me. She had access to his phone records, text logs, etc., and we shared what we had.
(3) We discovered that this wasn't his first EA rodeo - that he had done it before with someone else (in a situation very similar that of my wife's). This went a long way ingetting my wife to see his "nature," for lack of a better word here (and without greater exposition).

They headed off toward divorce, we're working through it.

Edit: Also, like Eric said, it's the right thing to do. I wasn't going to be complicit in someone else's betrayal, and would hope that if I were the ignorant spouse, someone would let me know.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did your wife bring any new, sexy underwear home She didn’t have before? Or things she never wears for you? How did she act when she first came home was she all over you for sex. Has anything changed sex wise? More than normal, less, new things?

Check out her Facebook and all the other people that was there like her roommates and stuff and look at all their pictures. See if you can find any with her out with other people at bars and other places. Many people have been caught that way.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Please never assume you are doing the OM's wife a disservice by telling her the truth. To this day I am forever grateful to the woman who was brave enough to expose my [ex]husband's affair.

My story is a little different in that my ex was having an affair with his best friend's sister. It was his best friend's wife (the other woman's sister in law) who exposed the affair to me. We all were friends, and I was 7 months pregnant with our third child when I found out. Yes, it was heartbreaking, but I am forever an advocate of exposure at all costs.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> I think I'm starting to see ya'll point....perhaps the husband contact is indeed a bad idea.
> That's why multiple opinions are good !


It is a bad idea. The OM is going to lie has arse off. Block the his W from any communications with you. 

1. Contact the OM wife. She deserves to know. 
2. Do NOT tell your W you are doing this. Your W will warn OM. Stories/lies will be formulated by both.


***as you can see, the W is already covering her tracks with deleting messages. OM will start this as well***


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

john13 said:


> Ok...so I go to his wife.. What do I say to her? And how?.... I find it easier to go to him...


 This guy tried to get in your wife's pants, knowing full well she is married to you. Exactly what kind of allegiance do you think he has to you to tell you anything, much less the truth and admit what he did?
He has ZERO allegiance to you. He is your enemy. Even a threat to tell his wife is useless because that is basically what will happen if he came clean with you anyway. Everyone here that is giving you the advice to go to his wife, and tell no one that you are doing that, has read the hundreds upon hundreds of stories of people going through the same thing. Going to the AP almost NEVER works, it just makes their affair go deeper underground and makes it harder for you to find evidence of it. Going to his wife does the opposite.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

John13

Contacting OM is the worst thing to do, think of it this way, you have just warned him that you are exposing. OM will tell his wife you are a crazy and controlling douchbag that won’t allow your wife to talk to people. It won’t only be just men, the picture OM paints is one that makes you one small step from being an abusive man. Do not give OM anything to discredit you in any way. I exposed to OMs wife, best detective I never hired, she put pressure on OM, this made it more difficult for OM. OM had to begin damage control on his own home front, thus it eliminates contact from OM and your wife. If they do contact each other (wife and OM) you will know, your wife will most likely appear to be angry you destroyed their marriage. That you have now placed on in a bind for being such a great friend to your wife. 

Your wife is hiding much more then you think, and I would bet that not only was this a physical affair, but that they contact each other through work. When your wife came home, how happy was she to see you sexually? My wife once went on a trip with her sister, seven days my wife was gone, we had sex twice a day for three days we had missed each other so much. Your wife missed you so much she wouldn’t even end a Skype session to answer your call. Something very wrong there, OMs stature was much higher then you, yet your wife says she wasn’t attracted to OM. For once your wife actually told you the truth, you just happen to miss it, she was obsessed and stalking OM when they weren’t together. Explain that to your wife, how obsessed she was and see what she answers with, I bet it will be that she was just seeing if OM was ok. Your wife was very attracted to OM, that doesn’t just disappear quickly, it will take some time. I would not be surprised in the least if she had an alternate way to search for his Facebook even now. 

Pressure is key, keep adding pressure to her lies, ask her if she would believe what she is saying. Searched his Facebook ten times a day, but pulled away when OM tried to kiss her? Rrrriiigggghhhhtttt. Tell me another one!! Don’t accept any of her lies or excuses, when she says anything about trust, ask if she would trust you searching a woman’s Facebook ten times a day. Ask if she would believe you pulled away if the woman tried to kiss you. Ask if being alone with the woman for seven months and nothing physical happens? How much trust would she have now? Ask if you didn’t answer her phone call because you were Skyping with the other woman, how much trust do you have now? Keep putting pressure on the lies and they will change. Ask if you deleted texts and communicated through WhatsApp how much is she trusting now? In other words, get mean, not abusive but mean. If she asks you about trust, tell her not to use words she has no clue of the meaning, use smaller words. Tell her to use lie because that’s apparently something she excels at. You have to have sting in your words, they need to cut and pierce your wife so she can understand. 

Best of luck to you, and whatever you do don’t tell your wife or contact OM. Not until after you expose.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dr.Fone.com


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

john13:

1. You should be practicing the "180" process, if you aren't already.

2. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. She should see that you are willing to lose her if she is not honest with you.

3. You should have contacted a lawyer to find out all your options. Have them ready to file divorce papers at a moment's notice. If you catch her in a lie or in deception, have her served immediately. The process can be halted at your discretion until she comes around to being remorseful. The shock can be to your advantage. A particularly strong statement is to have them served in the work place.

4. Investigate polygraphs in Romania. This may be your only option to the truth.

5. Inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse). This ends an affair faster than any other option. If he contacts your wife, it will indicate that they are still in contact. It pays to have another set of eyes to discourage anything that has gone underground. She deserves to know and you hiding it from her aids the scumbag POS OM. You don't want to aid him, am I correct?

6. Remain strong, courageous, & decisive. Retain your dignity throughout this whole process. This is the only way you will maintain control of the situation. No woman is worth the alternative.


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