# The next steps



## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Back story

*How I'm feeling now*
So next week I'm moving out. This hurts cause I'm going to be away from my son, my house that we just bought, the dog, and her. I cope by reading, working, jogging (before all this I havent jogged in about 10 years), counseling, and coaching. I can't believe this is happening but I've learned so much about myself. From jogging I learn how weak and frail I am but how I feel stronger by pushing myself. Reading has shown me that there are things to do to fix things but that I'm not alone. Counseling and coaching has shown me that I have a lot of faults that caused a poisoned relationship. My parent's relationship defined what a relationship was and that wasnt healthy. I feel that this shallow weak person that I was is broken and I need to rebuild. 
The only thing I feel that I'm missing now is good humor. Not the humor where I lashed out at other people to help deal with my insecurities like a bully in high school. 

*The situation*
The wife and I are amicable though a bit distant. We talk about work, our son, the house, or anything else going on. I'm doing a 180 by giving her some space and not mentioning the relationship. I've noticed some small changes in her life by me being a bit distant. When I went to get a smoke she said "oh you're going, i'm coming too". She'll start conversations with me when I'm walking thru the living room. I was in charge of making dinner in the past but when she was ordering a pizza she asked if I wanted anything. Today she was walking down the stairs, paused, then came back to thank me for doing the laundry. Things are amicable. 

Now I've slipped up and Im kicking myself for it. A few days ago we had a long talk about some health issues and we ended up talking until 2 am. She was livid the next morning cause of her lack of sleep before work. Another slip up was I noticed she wasnt wearing her ring. I asked about it and she said that she takes it off for work. I shouldnt have kept going but I asked if she was going to wear it during the next 6 months. Today after a jog I came back and asked if she wanted to sit outside with me before she left for work to get a smoke. I commented that I was all sweaty and disgusting and she said that during the hot days she gets like that as well. I said she still looks beautiful. She was silent for a sec and then she said thank you. 

I feel hopeless cause I'm going to move out and I'm going to not only lose the good thats been happening but also the bad. I've done a 180 from acting like a paranoid, controlling, unsympathetic, egotistical jerk. I'm friendlier with her family, I'm listening and validating what she says, I said "I'll support whatever decision you make" when we talked about our son. I hope she doesnt view this changes as a way to get her back but something I really need to change in my life.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Your story sounds very familiar to mine - right down to the smoking together! I am struggling with the 180s, but think I am improving each day. For example, when she asks if I want to go out for a smoke, I say, "no thanks", even though I really want to. It is important not to be there for them every minute and be independent (or at least act independent..lol) 

I feel for ya and the best I can say is hang in there.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

peakguy said:


> Your story sounds very familiar to mine - right down to the smoking together! I am struggling with the 180s, but think I am improving each day.


Ugh I needed that. Thanks. 


peakguy said:


> For example, when she asks if I want to go out for a smoke, I say, "no thanks", even though I really want to. It is important not to be there for them every minute and be independent (or at least act independent..lol)
> 
> I feel for ya and the best I can say is hang in there.


That is the hardest part for me. I just almost had a breakdown 5 mins ago. I was thinking of why I would be a good fit for her. How I could be what she wants and how we I can make her laugh like we used to. I wasnt able in my mind to do a better job of convincing her and I just wanted to run away. Some moments I can sit back and think, I'll be ok and moments like this I feel so alone. 

Whats going on with you? How are you coping with things? Please share.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I just came back from getting a smoke and broke down crying. Her complaint was that we don't want the same thing. I want to go and take my family on adventures and experience life. I'm tired of watching life thru a window. I was a homebody by choice. She wants to have someone to talk to that they go out and make stupid jokes. I would dismiss her jokes cause my ego said I was funnier. 

I have so many insecurities about my weight, my intellect, and my lack of carrying on a conversation that I projected those on to her. I told her if she got fat i would leave her. I never listened to her ideas. I let my ego and insecurity ruin one of the best things in my life. 
We want the same thing but she fears we aren't a match. I know she's at an age of lost identity. It just hurts so bad that I can give her everything but she can't or won't accept it. It hurts so much right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I can honestly say I am not coping the best and still have a hard time picturing life without her. But I do see very small improvements. I went from a few days of non-stop crying, begging, texting, calling, etc.. and realized I was driving her away. I found this site, which woke me up to the fact that I was doing EVERYTHING wrong. 

So, I started counseling for myself, mainly because I have realized I have no life outside of my wife. This translates into I am very co-dependent. I have only had one counseling session, but so far so good. Keep in mind, in the past I would have never considered counseling. I also bought the DB book and I'm "trying" to the 180s, but have had many setbacks. Doing these things, I have seen some improvement in the way she looks at me. But as others will tell you, the 180s for YOU and if it helps your relationship, that's just a bonus.

I still cry a don't sleep well, but I now don't let her see any of that. I try to be strong but pleasant around her and do my self pity in private. Right now I give the perception that I am as strong as I hope to be someday.

Good luck to you and I'm here for ya!


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm turning this into an online journal now. She told me that she wants someone she can laugh, joke, and just spend the day together alone with. I thrive of the energy of a group and when I'm alone I become awkward. I cherish those moments alone where we're just talking and watching a movie but I now fear that her belief that we not a match is true. I can't get this thought out of my head. We made vows and always believed I would spend the rest of my life growing old and happy with her. I've been told I'm a funny guy and the group always laugh at my jokes but I have always had major insecurities that someone else could make her laugh more than I could. This really hurt when she said that to me. 

I need to go out and clear my head. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is denial but I can't sit around wallowing in self pity.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I completely understand your hurt. Again, we are very similar. You need to stop the breakdowns in front of her. Trust me when I say it won't help! I'm not saying not to have feelings, but keep those to yourself or this forum for now.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

peakguy said:


> I can honestly say I am not coping the best and still have a hard time picturing life without her. But I do see very small improvements. I went from a few days of non-stop crying, begging, texting, calling, etc.. and realized I was driving her away. I found this site, which woke me up to the fact that I was doing EVERYTHING wrong.


That was what happened to me. 


peakguy said:


> So, I started counseling for myself, mainly because I have realized I have no life outside of my wife. This translates into I am very co-dependent. I have only had one counseling session, but so far so good. Keep in mind, in the past I would have never considered counseling. I also bought the DB book and I'm "trying" to the 180s, but have had many setbacks. Doing these things, I have seen some improvement in the way she looks at me. But as others will tell you, the 180s for YOU and if it helps your relationship, that's just a bonus.


My wife and I werent co-dependant on each other. We each had our own lives by my decision. I felt we needed the space and our relationship was based on that. I took a liberal turn with the 180. I was a jerk and now I'm being nice. I rarely told her she looked beautiful except when she got dolled up. So I snuck in a comment about how she looks nice. I was controlling and I'm giving her some space. I always had an opinon about what she should do and I told her recently "whatever you want to do I will support you cause I know you have our son's best interest in mind. 



peakguy said:


> I still cry a don't sleep well, but I now don't let her see any of that. I try to be strong but pleasant around her and do my self pity in private. Right now I give the perception that I am as strong as I hope to be someday.


Dude jog or do pushups or something. It doenst stop all the pain but it helps get your mind off of it. I have a sound tack that pumps me up and I run. I push myself so I can't focus on anything but running. I plan on lifting weights next. Fill your day with laughter and maybe manly movies. I can't imagine a bunch of dudes sitting around thinking about their relationship watching Rambo or The expendables. I'm telling you this and I'm reminding myself. We can pull thru this but we need to remember what it takes to pull ourselves thru this. We can't change overnight but change will happen overtime if we're diligent. 



peakguy said:


> Good luck to you and I'm here for ya!


Likewise buddy.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

Funny you should mention- I have actually started running again for the first time in years. I am on the 2nd week of the C25K program. The only problem is I started smoking again for the first time in years! lol....oh well, 2 steps forward and 1 step back I guess.

Thanks for the advice!


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

So I'm not sure if this was the best thing to do. Last night I found out she was stressed about the separation. I thought it was over money and other stuff. I asked her if she was stressed thinking it could be related to our son and help with that. She told me it was over the relationship itself. 

I didnt realize she was stressed over it so I felt guilty. I then made her some dinner cause she is sick. I never took care of her when she was sick and always got angry and we would end up fighting. 
I then left her alone while I went for a jog so she could eat her food in peace and watch some TV. For reason I felt horrible and upset that I would hurt her again. 

I expected her to be in bed already when I came back or if she was awake to not to talk to me. To my surprise I she came and thanked me for dinner and then talked to me for a bit. Today she left and said goodbye to me which is a huge step. I did send her a joking text but no response. I think my 180 is accomplishing something but Im not being patient. 

She needs her space and I notice she responds better when I talk about her and nothing that can be tied back to us. I need to take a step back but I'm scared that once I leave next week it will all go away and be for nothing.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Live the 180. Every day that you limit your contact and focus on yourself is a day of healing. Unnecessary contact is like ripping the scab off of a wound.

If they decide to work on the marriage fine, but you folks need to continue to move towards your new life.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Live the 180. Every day that you limit your contact and focus on yourself is a day of healing. Unnecessary contact is like ripping the scab off of a wound.
> 
> If they decide to work on the marriage fine, but you folks need to continue to move towards your new life.
> 
> ...


So today was a stressful day. We had a conference with the school psyc for our son. So we were stressing over it and I ended up telling her about what my counseling had told me. 

I realized that it was a good move and a bad move. I've never acknowledged her feeling about the past. Instead of doing the normal, if you do this or that I can make it work I did a "180" and pointed the blame on me. I know its a liberal interpretation. 

She didnt know about the extent of counseling breakthroughs I had and what I was going to change with me and how I would treat her differently if she took me back. I basically apologized for how I treated her and explained why I treated her that way. Also told her that I realized that we have two diff views of how we like appreciation and that I would learn what works for her. I told her that I thought buying a house and nice things was the way to go but I realized that we were happier living in a small condo. 

She did tell me that she was going to give it a fair chance and seemed more open to the idea of counseling than before. It was a hard "NO" and now its "IDK". She did say that if I keep bringing it up it would just push her away. 

Honestly now I think I can do a bigger 180 cause I'm set to move out this week. I have no choice but to do a 180. We wont be seeing each other until every other week and I doubt the first couple times will be very comfortable.


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I think a "no" to an "IDK" is a small step in the right direction.

I am also moving out in a couple weeks. I hope the time apart will allow me to work on myself and maybe make her realize what she had. I hope the same for you!


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

peakguy said:


> I think a "no" to an "IDK" is a small step in the right direction.
> 
> I am also moving out in a couple weeks. I hope the time apart will allow me to work on myself and maybe make her realize what she had. I hope the same for you!


I hope and pray so. I would give it a month or so before asking her again. I'm not sure how long it would be before she starts to miss things but I assume that is the time to bring it up. 


Does anybody have an insight if me telling her about the changes I'm going to go thru was a bad idea?


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