# ILs are scaring me - talk to H?



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this post. My H and I are staying at the in laws for the summer. At first it was because we were relocating from very far away (18 hours away) to very close (30 minutes away) and needed a base to look for a place to live and get the place ready for move-in. It's now ready to move in and we took the last stuff over yesterday with the intent to live there as of yesterday.

We got a phone call around midnight from my MIL to go back to the ILs, because she can't handle her husband by herself. This is because he just had a minor procedure (implantation of a defibrillator / pace-maker, not a general anesthetic kind of thing) and has not been healing well - he's basically become bedridden. He cannot walk because he has excruciating pain in his right leg and left arm, they all think it is because he was in bed for 3 days with the procedure and that it's a nerve or something - I am not convinced by this. He is also on heavy diuretics meaning he must urinate about once/hour. He doesn't have a catheter and can't get up so MIL has a urine collection thing that she uses (H also helps with this). Anyway this is once every hour all day and all night, plus she is way too small to get him up to change position, change sheets, get him to the bathroom by herself, thus calling my H to come home.

Anyway, H is fine with helping, he was up all night the night before we left but they kept telling us he was getting better; apparently not, he was up again all last night. We have no idea how long we will have to be here. We were so excited to get out of here and into our own (dream) home but it will have to wait obviously.

So this is really none of my business, up to this point. Maybe the rest isn't either. I was awakened at around 6am (H was asleep, he had the first "shift" til 4am, then woke his mom for the second "shift") and heard FIL yelling at MIL in extremely shocking language. I have never ever heard a man speak to a woman that way, much less his wife. He was telling her that she was stupid and worthless and that she should leave (!!!!!), plus other things I don't think I want to even put in writing. We are sharing a wall and I could hear this as if I was in the room. I am now really worried about MIL. She will try to convince us to leave as soon as she thinks she can manage the physical demands on her own. I don't know if I should tell my H about what I heard or keep it to myself.

FIL is in pain but he's not on any kind of mind-altering or personality-altering drugs. I'm now afraid to move into our apartment and leave them alone together, even though I know this is totally irrational - they've been married for 35 years and although he has had MULTIPLE physical affairs (my H told me this), they have stuck together. She is the type who does EVERYTHING (makes more money, works harder, raised 2 kids, does ALL housework/cooking/shopping/finances, takes care of HIS elderly mother, etc etc) and he does pretty much nothing although he does work .... I guess it works for them, as I said, 35 yrs... but I am freaked out.

I didn't grow up in an home with parents who were abusive to each other and I have literally never heard anyone speak to their spouse like that, not even caring if it woke up the son/daughter in law. Now I am hiding in our room and afraid to go out into the kitchen and face him. I don't know how to look at him the same way again. I understand that some married couples fight "dirty" but I have never been exposed to such a thing (I'm 30 but I guess maybe just lucky).

So I guess my question is, should I tell my husband about this? He was so exhausted that he slept through it. I am afraid that it will just add to his stress level and anxiety but on the other hand I am having fears about MIL's safety (and wellbeing, I don't believe FIL is strong enough to do anything to her physically and maybe it was just a one-time thing, but he said some things that would traumatize me if they were said to me).


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I wouldn't be surprised if he has heard it before.

I am also not surprised that a man who left his wife to work full time, and do all cooking cleaning and child rearing and had numerous affairs does talk to his wife like that. He obviously has been treating her like poo for years.

I would tell him.


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## Michelle S. (Apr 1, 2011)

Unfortuantely it seems that this particular sitation is out of our control. I would talk to your husband about your concerns and let him express those concerns to his mother. At the end of the day it would be her decision as to what to do about it.


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