# Finally left after 21 years...



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

And I literally do not know what to do with myself. I am not grief stricken exactly. Nor am I angry exactly...I do not want him back, but but but...I want him to be hurt, lost without me and the boys, apologize, change his behavior in some meaningful way. For instance he had been unemployed for 2 5 years. Fired from his last job so no unemployment or covid relief. I moved out 3 weeks ago. Still no job. I will not be getting child support in the near future. He got into a fight with our landlord and even though I paid the rent, by myself, on time every month helped her with surgeries, snow removal, dog walking etc etc we were asked to leave and threatened with eviction. I asked him to move out so me and the boys could stay. He refused. Now he is still there and I am in a more expensive apartment in a bad part of town. He has recorded or son saying "Mommy told me to be mean to you" which I never said. Clearly he is putting words in my sons mouth to make me look bad in court, and I haven't even filed the divorce papers yet!

In essence he is still the same person after splitting up that he was when we were together. If I hate him for anything it's him proving me right. I thought I was the one in the wrong for most of our marriage. I WANTED to be in the wrong because I could control myself. When I finally realized it was him, NOT me, it should have been a freeing experience. Instead he had to go ahead a prove me right. 

And lest anyone think it was an aha moment and I just walked away with my kids. It wasn't like that. I was so scared. Housing is hard to find as it is but if your credit is not perfect forget it. Not a single friend or family member who told me to leave offered a place to stay or to watch my son while I worked. (Unless I wanted to move 5 states away and run the risk of kidnapping or complicating custody via courts) I had to go to several housing advocates, get discount for utilities etc etc and I am still working on those things to boot. I was doing all that before with him, and for him, now without and I am so so tired. Is this kind of resentment normal. Where do I go from here? Feeling so lost. I should be happy, but I am not.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You are in a very tough phase of the divorce -- just beginning, a lot of "unknowns", churning up your whole life and that of your kids.
BUT, on top of that your H is Being a grade a SH*T of a person trying to give you as much grief as he can. You are NOT wrong -- you just have the question backwards. You CAN ONLY control YOU -- you CANNOT control HIM and THAT was the problem all along. That isn't YOUR fault. You came to this realization, and now you are taking steps to get out of the bad situation.
YOUR JOB is no longer to worry about him having a job, where he will live, etc.. YOUR job is to protect yourself and your kids and protect your finances for you and your kids.

I'm sorry that you are having so many housing issues. I think your resentment is completely normal -- there are tons of stories like this on the site -- the frustration, grief and anger at the spouse you are leaving.

Where do you go? Continue on your path to separate away from your STBXH, stay close to your kids, work on yourself.
Make sure your lawyer knows the BS he is playing with the kids (the recordings, etc.) so that you are covered and nobody is blindsided. 

BTW, you may want to talk with your landlord -- when he throws your H out, maybe YOU can move back in to your old apartment? Don't obviously let your H know any of this....

Very sorry you are going through this, but you seem to have a plan and are working towards extricating yourself from a bad situation.
Best of luck.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Thank you! My ex still has the power to make me question myself. Sometimes I find myself just sitting and staring into space and not following things through. Like the divorce papers. I can literally walk to the courthouse in 5 min and get the ball rolling. I mean after all a parenting plan is a must and yet I haven't done it. Why? I have no intention of going back so why not just rip the band aid off completely? I need to figure out summer plans for my son but I am overwhelmed. And when I manage 2 steps forward stbx slams me with something else. Things that he never cared about like which school my youngest goes to for instance. Or why won't I pick up his medicine for him anymore. Or insisting on keeping one of the cats until she gets sick and needs a vet he can't pay for then all of a sudden I can take her.. I have a job, it pays okay, but I am not rich by any stretch of the imagination. Or when he bullies me to take my youngest overnight against my express wishes then calls me at 9:30 because he can't deal with our sons medical issues.. The list goes on and on and on. So if it seems like I have a plan (thank you for thinking so) it is a very VERY loose plan that I feel I am failing at. Which makes me depressed and angry and those are feelings he weaponizes against me.

And then what about the utter sorrow I feel? How does one overcome that? He didn't fight for us during our marriage so why does it hurt that he didn't fight to keep us? But it does. It hurts so bad sometimes. 21 years and he just watched us leave. It floors me sometimes when I least expect it to.

My housing advocate told me to keep 2 journals. One for my eyes only where I blurt out all my negativity and another that documents my interactions with him. The recordings, the bullying, the finances etc etc. Is she right? I feel like I am wallowing and nitpicking. Clearly I need a shrink asap.sigh.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Your sorrow is sort of congitive dissonance -- his actions don't match the VIEW you have of who he is. That's the problem -- he is NOT the person you think he is. You have an IMAGE of him that doesn't match the reality. He is showing you now who he is and your rose colored glasses are coming off -- you are now seeing the real him and it will take time for you to get that "image" of who he is to be replaced with reality.

YES keep records of EVERYTHING he is doing. You are NOT nitpicking or wallowing -- that documentation can help you when it comes to child custody, etc.. So, yes VERY important (it can be used for the instance where HE recorded your son saying that Mommy is mean about him -- document that. Document that YOU have said no such thing to the kids, etc.)

You think you don't have a plan -- you clearly DO! Divorce papers, Parenting Plan, Summer plan for your son, etc..
You are hesistant to EXECUTE on the plan -- all understandable. DO you have a lawyer you are working with? They can help you with this stuff. You are very probably depressed -- your Dr can help with that (short term usage of some anti-depressant meds -- but you MUST be care with these types of drugs). Depression will keep you from DOING things instead of just thinking about them.

As for the crap he is pulling (Why can't you pick up my meds, I'M keeping the cat (until inconvenient for him), etc.) -- he is trying to manipulate you and your emotions with this. SEE I'm such a great Dad and you are keeping my son from me -- I want him overnight. 

AS for your interactions with him -- you should be talking to him ONLY about the divorce/finances/child custody, and anything to do with your kids.
Here is something you can start practicing with him. It's called the 180 and is NOT to punish him -- it's to minimize your interactions with him so that YOU can start detaching from him.
180 for Betrayed Spouses


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I have already implemented many of these unwittingly. But I can tell I am going to have trouble with 13 (staying busy) and 20 (no yelling or badmouthing ever) I can't seem to stay level headed with him. I am always looking for the shoe to drop so go on the offensive as a defense mechanism. I never bad mouth him to my son but I won't lie...he's probably over heard me be less than flattering. But I reiterate I have never instructed him to be mean to his Dad. Splitting up was supposed to make me happier. My anxiety had lessened ten fold on a daily basis but I am still not happy. Oy vey.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Happiness will come. As Sir Winston Churchill said: If your going through hell, keep going.....


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