# Very lost, and need opinions



## Hoopsalot00 (Jan 29, 2021)

I will try my best to not make this super long winded, but I feel some background is important in all this. First, my wife and I have always had very different sex drives. She is does/did have hypersexuality, and a lot of times, it was very hard for me to keep up with her. So we came up with things, like her masturbating a couple times a week, to help even things out. It also could be something that she could share, and maybe "encourage" me. Honestly that was something I really liked too, so it wasn't just for her. Well at a point I figured out she was watching lesbian porn, and like some people, it was concerning at first, but turns out that is more common than not with women, even if they are straight. So that part really isn't a concern exactly. Over time, there have been similar things that I have asked her to do, and wanted to do, also things I thought would help (e.g. toys, lingerie, fantasies...). Some of those things she did do, some not so much. As time has gone on, a lot of those extra things, have pretty much disappeared, even though I have asked for them. More recently, she even brought up how much her sex drive has gone down, which I did notice obviously. Here is where it gets confusing. She doesn't really do the extra things that were for me, says her sex drives not what it used to be, and doesn't seem quite as interested in me. Because now, 3-4 times a week "is too much", in her own words. But I know that she basically looks at lesbian porn, and masturbates to it, very often. So it almost seems like she enjoys doing that more than sex now. She knows I maybe have an idea about her masturbating(she does tell me sometimes), but she doesn't know, I know it is to porn, and the frequency. Now when we talk about things, about sex, she says it's amazing, she doesn't want anyone else, she is happy... But now, I feel kind of replaced by this. I know some people may say, well do it with her. Here is where it may get a little more confusing for people. She doesn't want me watching porn, and of course I have brought that up before. At the same time, if I bring this up, I am afraid it might devastate or embarrass her, but now I am not happy. So it's kind of like something that was meant to help us as a couple, has now become the thing she does more, and by herself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yet another case of porn badly affecting a relationship. Unless she stops nothing will improve. She hasn't lost her sex drive, she just wastes it on the porn.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you come out and asked her is she is bisexual ? you need to have the talk. clearly something attracts her to lesbian porn


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

How long has it been going on? Could be a phase.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Hoopsalot00 said:


> I figured out she was watching lesbian porn, and like some people, it was concerning at first, but turns out that is more common than not with women


Says who? I can't see straight guys watching gay porn, and I don't see how that's any different for women. 



Hoopsalot00 said:


> if I bring this up, I am afraid it might devastate or embarrass her, but now I am not happy.


That's not how you have a good marriage. You can't be afraid to talk to her about issues in your marriage and you shouldn't be tiptoeing around her. If you want things to change you have to start the conversation, not just hope things will magically change.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Hoopsalot00 said:


> ...... She is does/did have hypersexuality, and a lot of times, *it was very hard for me to keep up with her*. So we came up with things, like her masturbating a couple times a week, *to help even things out.* It also *could be something that she could share, and maybe "encourage" me*. Honestly t*hat was something I really liked too, so it wasn't just for her*. Well at a point I figured out she was watching lesbian porn, and like some people, it was concerning at first, but turns out that is more common than not with women, even if they are straight. So *that part really isn't a concern exactly*. Over time, there have been similar things that *I have asked her to do, and wanted to do, also things I thought would help* (e.g. toys, lingerie, fantasies...). Some of those things she did do, some not so much. * As time has gone on, a lot of those extra things, have pretty much disappeared*, *even though I have asked for them*. More recently, she even brought *up how much her sex drive has gone down*, which I did notice obviously. Here is where it gets confusing. She doesn't really do the extra things that were for me, says her sex drives not what it used to be, and doesn't seem quite as interested in me. Because *now, 3-4 times a week "is too much", in her own words. But I know that she basically looks at lesbian porn, and masturbates to it, very often*. So it almost seems like she enjoys doing that more than sex now. She knows I maybe have an idea about her masturbating(she does tell me sometimes), but she doesn't know, I know it is to porn, and the frequency. Now when we talk about things, about sex, she says it's amazing, *she doesn't want anyone else, she is happy.*.. But now, I feel kind of replaced by this. I know some people may say, well do it with her. Here is where it may get a little more confusing for people. She doesn't want me watching porn, and of course I have brought that up before. At the same time, if I bring this up, I am afraid it might devastate or embarrass her, *but now I am not happy*. So it's kind of like something that was meant to help us as a couple, has now become the thing she does more, and by herself.


First I want to complement you for your analysis and insights.

Have you had a heart to heart talk with her about your feelings and your need to be emotionally bonded with her. How her reduced sex drive is making you feel less emotionally connected to her? 

Tell her that even though your sex drive is less than hers, the "extra things" the two of you did together really helped you feel even more emotionally connected to her. Tell her you love to share her orgasms with her even if they are more than you can handle, you love the feeling of emotional connection in holding as she becomes more aroused, hearing her breathing & moans as she becomes more arounsed. Felling the tension growing in her body and then watching her body and face as she orgasms. Tell her how special that sharing was to you emotionally and how you miss it. Don't talk about masturbating or lesbian porn, talk about emotional connection.

I would tell her that it is normal as people age for their sex drives to go up and down and get out of sink, but you really miss those extra things that were above your sex drive that she shared with you that make you feel so emotionally connected.

It might work, then again, it might not. It is worth a shot, especially if it is true and you believe it.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am not an anti-porn crusader and do not believe that porn is always an evil force in the universe. When enjoyed together as a couple, I it can have some positive benefits.

But if one person is spanking to Porn and indulging themselves while denying/rejecting their partner, then I don’t really see it as too fundamentally different than an affair. 

What would you do if your wife was hooking up with someone else then when you wanted some love’n, she said, “no thanks, I’m good.” ? 

The genders and orientations of the porn is irrelevant. What’s significant is if is being a detriment and detractor to the relationship and marital sexual dynamics. 

The fact that she is spanking to porn but doesn’t want you experiencing that with her or on your own is quite troublesome. 

This is like someone having a lover on the side but making sure that their partner is being exclusive to them. 

If someone is denying you, while taking care of themselves with porn all the time, then it’s time to start viewing the porn as another man.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Does she deny you sex? Do you deny her sex? 

What is the real issue here? It sounds like it’s not the frequency of sex that bothers you, but her lack of putting in effort to woo you so to speak. Is that correct?


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