# Fair request or B.S.?



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

For those of you who know my story you know my wife separated from me almost two months ago due to my anger issues. Then I found out she had fallen for someone else, it never had a chance to go full blown...she has Fibro and the disease and mess have messed her up and changed her quite a bit in the last 18months. I own the anger, it is/has been a real issue and I am in IC and doing work on it and feel like I am making a lot of progress- friends have even noticed a calm about me. 

My wife and little girl come home tomorrow after being at the in-laws for several weeks. I asked her what "the plan" was and she told me she didn't want to throw it all away, that she wanted to give me a chance (the chance I asked for when we first separated) but that she didn't want to work on "us" until she saw real tangible changes for a time. That what we had was worth the chance but she won't live with the anger any longer. 

I said I thought that made sense but at some point if we did not agree to both work on our relationship 100% to give it our best go then I didn't want to live together. She was mad at first and said it was an ultimatum but I said it was for down the road not today- just didn't want to be in this same spot in a year which she understood. 

Lastly, I told her my only hesitation comes around her falling for someone else and why would it not possibly happen again? She said if I don't want it to happen the. I need to make sure it doesn't by treating her better and not being angry all the time (sounded like justification for earlier this summer to me but also could hear regret in her voice). 

She then asked me if I had changed my mind and decided I didn't want to have another chance? I did pause, honestly if it wasn't for our little girl I would probably just chuck it in but I did want a chance and what we once had was great. She has been better since switching to the new med but how long should I let the chance go before expecting we both commit to working on it???


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

So in essence she wants to rugsweep everything she has done, hang around until she decides you have been a good boy long enough before she will put forth any effort and has already laid the groundwork so if/when she has another affair it's your fault.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

honcho said:


> So in essence she wants to rugsweep everything she has done, hang around until she decides you have been a good boy long enough before she will put forth any effort and has already laid the groundwork so if/when she has another affair it's your fault.


The same thought has crossed my mind as well. I really don't know what to expect but have taken a few steps to make the "trial period" together a little less dangerous, I sold our house (she agreed) so we are in a rental month over month which gives us a lot of flexibility. 

So, I can swing it for a time but I won't be doing this alone by X-mas unless I am truly 'alone'. At some point she joins in, we do MC etc or I will end it myself. I realize my anger was a problem but it won't be again so at some point she will have to let it go.....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I vote BS, she needs a wake up call


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She either owns her infidelity as totally hers or you probably need to walk. No one makes someone else a cheater. You work on your anger, she works on her low character.

If you are willing to try R after she cheated, emotionally, then she better damn well be all in herself.

If she won't fully own her crappie choice to be unfaithful then your probably just wasting time with your efforts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

She told you she fell in love with someone else. You won't have to wait until christmas, she will leave before then. She will find fault in everything you do. 

Given her conditions for R you are doomed to fail. She wants to start owning the affair and destroying the trust in the marriage then maybe you have a shot. You didn't cause her affair and someday you will see that. 

You need to own your failings in the marriage, she owns hers.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

If you put forth a good-faith effort to show you are willing to work on things, she has no excuse not to reciprocate. In my own failed marriage, I know we made the mistake of not really fixing things that could have been better. We rug-swept some things, and then when the crap hit the fan with a life-shaking event, we fell apart instead of standing strong for each other. For her not to take any ownership of the wrong of an affair, is a huge red flag! You can do your best to control your anger, but if some other things don't change too, you will become resentful.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So she got dumped and you're plan b? She just loves your huge.....wallet?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Yeah. I think you should be prepared for her to leave you. Working on your anger issues is a good idea though, because eventually, after she leaves you, and go through all the pain that it will cause, you are going to be open to a new relationship. And it would be awesome if you had already done the work on your anger issues so it doesn't come up in your new relationship. 

And start now, because if you can control your anger through the crap she's about to put you through, you will have it mastered.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

McDean said:


> For those of you who know my story you know my wife separated from me almost two months ago due to my anger issues. Then I found out she had fallen for someone else, it never had a chance to go full blown...she has Fibro and the disease and mess have messed her up and changed her quite a bit in the last 18months. I own the anger, it is/has been a real issue and I am in IC and doing work on it and feel like I am making a lot of progress- friends have even noticed a calm about me.
> 
> My wife and little girl come home tomorrow after being at the in-laws for several weeks. I asked her what "the plan" was and she told me she didn't want to throw it all away, that she wanted to give me a chance (the chance I asked for when we first separated) but that she didn't want to work on "us" until she saw real tangible changes for a time. That what we had was worth the chance but she won't live with the anger any longer.
> 
> ...


Sounds like BS to me! Look at the statement I bolded. She's the one who cheated. SHE should be the one begging YOU for a second chance, and telling you that SHE will be doing everything she can and treating YOU better.

She's laying all the blame for her affair on your anger instead of trying to understand herself and how she could do that and work to change it.

You can become the most peaceful zen monk on the planet, and it will still not change whatever lack of character in HER caused her to cheat on you.

Learning to manage your anger better is a valuable thing, and I think you should keep doing it. But do it to make yourself a better man, and better in your next relationship. If she wants to be that relationship, she's got to earn YOU back, not the other way around.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am with others here Mcdean, the chance is on both side, you need to see changes in her as well...otherwise all of this is one sided. Between you and me, I would hold off living under one roof until she gets a dose of what it's like living on her own and seeing how difficult it is, this alone will make her further realize that she needs you in her life and in the mean time keep working on your anger issue.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

All goods points everyone, thank you! For sure the work on my anger will continue, I own it and will make that change come hell or high water! She definitely thinks it is just her giving me a chance but in truth, it is going both ways. I really don't know if the person she has become is even someone I like. If she makes no effort to work on herself then in all likelihood I will be the one to walk away!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Is she willing to go to MC? If so, then she can address your anger and how it impacted the relationship (a fair issue for MC), and you can address her betrayal with OM. Once both issues are dealt with in the open, then you have a chance for R.

As ConanHub said, no one makes you cheat. The marriage was in crisis and her choice for dealing with that crisis is to lean on another man. Not good.


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