# I love you, but i am not in love with you.



## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

My husband shocked me with the classic "i love you but i am not in love with you" 3 months ago. It was shocking, i was angry, i cried, i begged, i blamed him for ruining our family. I came to my senses and really tried to understand why this was happening. I know my faults. He says he loves me but not happy with our relationship. He wants to try to work on things one day and next day wants a divorce (mostly after i get emotional or start asking him questions). He says he doesnt know exactly why he feels this way.But he felt like something is missing in our relationship, that we lost "The Spark" He is very distant. We hardly talk now a days. I know that most of you will suggest that he is cheating. He comes home after work. My question is "is it possible to make your husband of 10 years to fall back in love with you?"


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The answer is yes, sometimes. What is his biggest complaint?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Yes, what are the implicating factors for his fall out of love. We cannot offer advice if we have no information.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Classic line from a man in midlife crisis. How old is your husband?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yes, it can be done. It's actually easier for a woman to win her husband's heart back than the opposite. 

I must warn you though, there is a strong probability that he's cheating. you will have to decide if he's worth fighting for. 

In order to get help, members will need additional info to get an understanding of what you're dealing with.

How old are both of you? Do you have kids, how many and ages? How's your sex life? frequency & quality, Affection levels and general friendliness toward each other. Has it waned? Do you both work? Your personal appearance.
and has husband recently become sneaky with his phone and computer usage? Staying out late? Change in dress, or workout habits? 

Give us as much detail as possible. There is no shame here. No one here knows you so you have nothing to be embarrassed about. As a matter of fact MANY members have been in your shoes.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Yes, there is a very good possibility he is cheating. And yes, tell us more.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

"I love you, but i am not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY for short) is about a 90% predictor of cheating, I'm sorry to say. However, I agree that you have a better chance to save your marriage, should you decide to do that, than a man does when his wife tells him that.

But we need more information, as @jsmart and @TeddieG have already pointed out.


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

He is almost 30, i am 33. We ve been together for 12 years. Married for 10. We have a 4 y.o son. We went through separation 6 years ago. I thought he cheated (he says he didnt) and left him. Moved to another state. He never let go of me. We Got back together one year later and had our son a year after that. Our sex life went down hill. And we stopped having alone time together. My husband did mention that it will affect our relationship, but i was in the mommy mode, so i kind of brushed him of. I only heard what i wanted to hear, and that was when my husband was telling me that he loves me and we will be together forever. Everything was ok untill i went away with my son for a month to visit my family overseas. I came back home and one day while he was at work i wanted to use his skype account to skype my mom ( using each others skype was never an issue, he left his account open and i saw his flirting messages to some girl. They also skyped each other. I also found his t texts to someone in the flirtatious manner. Both, skyping and texting happened while i was away. And it was two different females.Of caurse i got mad. I confronted him. At first he said that he doesnt know what i am talking about, later he said that he was board while i was away plus he had time to think about our relationship, that while he was alone he felt ok byhimself and thats how he found the attention , by meeting people online. Thats when he told me "i love you, but...." and that the spark is gone. I cried a lot, but agreed to divorce, or separation because i love him and i dont want him to be unhappy. But he said he wants to try, that he loves me, that he wants to feel that spark again. Thats how we live for 3 months. One day we divorsing and the next day we not.He acts distant one day and wants to touch me and kiss me the next day. These 3 months has been an emotional rollercoaster.He puts up the wall if i ask questions, he says that he wants things to get better one day but if i try to have a deep conversation or if i cry, he shuts down. If he had someone else, why not just confess and make life easier for us. I asked him many times, and i told him if there is a 3rd party envolved, i dont want no part of this. He says there is not. Like i said, he comes home after work. He does seem confused. Last friday him and my son went away to visit my inlaws. I staid home because i had to work. He didnt call me or text me for 3 days. Today he came home after work and he wanted to be close to me and hold my hand. The whole situations is weird. I dont get it. Please dont advise me to dig deep and spy on him. I want to know if someone actually has been in my situation and was able to restore or even improve their relationship. I am not saying that looking for people and talking to people in the flirtatious manner is ok. But i also realize that we got caught up in our routine and neglected our relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You should have this thread moved over to the "Coping With Infidelity" section of this forum.

Hell...every one over there has been in your situation!

Some have restored there marriage and even improved. Some have restored their marriage and it never improved. Some never restored their marriage. in fact there a a few threads were the marriage was restored and improve...only to have the marriage fall apart a decade later.

There are all kinds of endings with people in the exact same situation you are in now over at the CWI section.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

I got the ILYBNILWY speech. No amount of persuasion could convince him to work on our 13 yr marriage. 6 weeks after that he's living with someone else. 6 months after the divorce is final he remarried to someone 15 yrs younger. 

Naaaa he wasn't cheating. *rolls eyes*


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Most men won't stay emotionally connected to someone they aren't sexual with. And getting it back is pretty difficult especially if someone else is providing it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, hrs getting emotional and likely physical needs met elsewhere. It hurts, but accept it. Whether you can fix it-- unlikely but possible. All up to you and how much he has decided he likes life without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He sounds like he is cake eating and riding the fence. I know you desperately love him and want him back, but since he is cheating already, if you just get really sweet and give him all the sex he wants, he will think that he can have you and her. It sounds like he isn't 100% convinced that he wants to leave for another woman, so maybe you should make him choose, by getting your pride back and taking a stand. Ask him to move out of the house while YOU decide if you want to stay with a man who SKYPES women while you are gone.

I'm so sorry your husband has betrayed you, and that you are hurting so much. Look deep inside yourself and find your self respect. Do you really want to beg and cry for a man who has lied and cheated on you? You should be angry and insulted, and ask him to leave your presence, go anywhere, just away from you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Either he is cheating or he isn't. We don't have enough information and neither do you. On TAM this phrase usually is associated with cheating but im not sure that's the case.

Many / most men are not emotional the way many / most women are. In situations like yours you two may be completely misreading each other as a result.

Many men are only really able to access their "love" emotions during and after sex, probably due to the changes in testosterone levels and basic ignorance about their own emotions. If you deprive a man like this of continual sex, you deprive him of his most intimate emotions.

I'm not saying all emotions are accessed this way - which is why men stay in sexless marriages. They are left with hollow feelings of love... like echoes of their passion. It is almost physically painful to be be close but unable to access this.

It's possible he comes home and stays with you out of love, but the hollowness of it makes him vacillate between wanting to recapture if and knowing it is painful to stay and try.

If you love him and want him, then have sex with him often. I forgot to mention - guys think it's sex they crave, but often it's the intimacy and closeness coupled with sex that they want. If they could express it this way fewer women would turn them down for sex.

So if you want to see if he's serious, you can give him that intimacy and see how he responds.

I know I really really wanted to rebound with my wife after decades together in a great marriage, but one with too little sex because of family, work, etc. all good reasons and I didn't blame my wife, but I should have pushed harder. I didn't know I wanted the intimacy - I just knew things were hollow. I thought I was going crazy wanting sex so badly - so obsessed - but not really believing completely I should be so obsessed. So I went to a sex therapist. That's how I learned what I was missing. She showed me a list of words and asked what I got out of sex. And I started picking emotional words and started to well up - this was my first realization that i was emotionally starved and hurt and felt basically abandoned. It was pretty bad. But I was very lucky to find this out - and was able to convey my needs in a way she finally understood. Now we have intimacy every night and our connection and love and bonding are many times stronger.

So yes it is possible to reconnect. But you both have to want it and work hard for it. And he has to be in a place where he hasn't emotionally completely left and found what he wants elsewhere. Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There is no doubt from what you wrote that you have neglected him and the marriage and this is what happens. However, the flirting and possible cheating is 100% on your WH, he chose to do that rather than come to you and discuss your marriage. He also chose to lie to you by hiding what he was doing, till you found out. Therefore it is not up to you to mend this marriage, he crapped on it, now he has to sort it out.

Of course if counselling etc is on the cards you can work at it wholeheartedly. Do not rug sweep or minimise what he has done, this has to be dealt with first, then your relationship. It appears over the last three months he is weighing the pros and cons of having you and just keeping you as a plan B.

Tell him, you cannot live in this limbo land anymore, either you both get into MC now or he moves out and can sort his head out whenever he wants, but you may not be available if he decides to come back. Tell him you love him and would be willing to work on the marriage but that there must be 100% commitment.

Ask to have access to his pc, his phones, etc and put a VAR in the car in case something else is going on, do not sayin anything but keep your eyes open. based on what you have said it might well be he is in an EA if not PA.

Get yourself into IC to help you deal with your emotions, start doing the 180 on him (yes even now in the house) and just deal with domestic matters, no discussing anything about him, marriage, no pleading, etc. His current behaviour should not be rewarded so no sex, no hand holding, nothing.

tell your family and friends what you found on the skype, let him deal with the fall out of any, this is not your burden to bear, but his. 

Move on with your own life, are you working? If not join a club, classes, gym, etc to get out and about. Show him that life moves on with or without him and you will not be sitting pining for him or waiting till he makes up his mind about you.

Later contact a lawyer and see what your options are. Be very firm and strong, you are not going to be your WH's Plan B. It is likely that when he sees what he is about to lose he will grow up. This is all counter intuitive but if you run after him, begging and pleading to work on the marriage, he will just keep doing what he is doing, having learnt nothing. There have to be consequences.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Either he is cheating or he isn't. We don't have enough information and neither do you. On TAM this phrase usually is associated with cheating but im not sure that's the case.
> 
> Many / most men are not emotional the way many / most women are. In situations like yours you two may be completely misreading each other as a result.
> 
> ...



Agree with what you have written in general, but there can be no rug sweeping of the contacting other women, that is deliberate and premeditated. If a man is craving his wife, he ought to talk to her before going to other women. Therefore that is totally on him. Giving him lots of sex now is basically rewarding bad behaviour, he ought to take ownership of his mistakes and be doing all to get her back, not playing games for the last 3 months with her emotions. A man with any backbone would come to his wife and state the problem and deal with it, not run after someone else.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is cheating with the two women he is on skype with. These are emotional affairs. He is getting "the spark" from them and that is why he doesn't feel it with you. You crying makes him emotionally shut down due to guilt. You are in a bad place because he doesn't feel the spark with you and he also feels guilty for hurting you. These negative feelings will further push him away from you and closer to the other women. I'm sorry, but unless you can get him to go to marriage counciling, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. The counselor has to have experience in helping couples repair a relationship after emotional affairs have interfered in the marriage. 

Try to get him to go the counciling route. It looks like that might be your best bet in fixing your marriage. Best of luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

aine said:


> Agree with what you have written in general, but there can be no rug sweeping of the contacting other women, that is deliberate and premeditated. If a man is craving his wife, he ought to talk to her before going to other women. Therefore that is totally on him. Giving him lots of sex now is basically rewarding bad behaviour, he ought to take ownership of his mistakes and be doing all to get her back, not playing games for the last 3 months with her emotions. A man with any backbone would come to his wife and state the problem and deal with it, not run after someone else.



Didn't she say he talked to her and she didn't take it seriously?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

180

55


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

AlanaK said:


> He is almost 30, i am 33. We ve been together for 12 years. Married for 10. We have a 4 y.o son. We went through separation 6 years ago. I thought he cheated (he says he didnt) and left him. Moved to another state. He never let go of me. We Got back together one year later and had our son a year after that. Our sex life went down hill. And we stopped having alone time together. My husband did mention that it will affect our relationship, but i was in the mommy mode, so i kind of brushed him of. I only heard what i wanted to hear, and that was when my husband was telling me that he loves me and we will be together forever. Everything was ok untill i went away with my son for a month to visit my family overseas. I came back home and one day while he was at work i wanted to use his skype account to skype my mom ( using each others skype was never an issue, he left his account open and i saw his flirting messages to some girl. They also skyped each other. I also found his t texts to someone in the flirtatious manner. Both, skyping and texting happened while i was away. And it was two different females.Of caurse i got mad. I confronted him. At first he said that he doesnt know what i am talking about, later he said that he was board while i was away plus he had time to think about our relationship, that while he was alone he felt ok byhimself and thats how he found the attention , by meeting people online. Thats when he told me "i love you, but...." and that the spark is gone. I cried a lot, but agreed to divorce, or separation because i love him and i dont want him to be unhappy. But he said he wants to try, that he loves me, that he wants to feel that spark again. Thats how we live for 3 months. One day we divorsing and the next day we not.He acts distant one day and wants to touch me and kiss me the next day. These 3 months has been an emotional rollercoaster.He puts up the wall if i ask questions, he says that he wants things to get better one day but if i try to have a deep conversation or if i cry, he shuts down. If he had someone else, why not just confess and make life easier for us. I asked him many times, and i told him if there is a 3rd party envolved, i dont want no part of this. He says there is not. Like i said, he comes home after work. He does seem confused. Last friday him and my son went away to visit my inlaws. I staid home because i had to work. He didnt call me or text me for 3 days. Today he came home after work and he wanted to be close to me and hold my hand. The whole situations is weird. I dont get it. Please dont advise me to dig deep and spy on him. I want to know if someone actually has been in my situation and was able to restore or even improve their relationship. I am not saying that looking for people and talking to people in the flirtatious manner is ok. But i also realize that we got caught up in our routine and neglected our relationship.


You married too young. You'll find love again. Let this one go.


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## Sleeplessnights (Dec 1, 2015)

It's so strange...your story is almost like exactly like mine. Except I'm a man going through the same thing with my wife. I'm clingy and get anxiety from the whole thing. Hope it helps you to know you are not alone with this nonsense. I'm not angry no more but extremely frustrated. Fighting doesn't help...it just makes them run away from you.

Pm me if you would like to talk more. Maybe we can learn something from each to help our relationships with our spouses. I've been praying. Running out of patience.

Cheers and hang in there!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

technovelist said:


> "I love you, but i am not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY for short) is about a 90% predictor of cheating, I'm sorry to say. However, I agree that you have a better chance to save your marriage, should you decide to do that, than a man does when his wife tells him that.
> 
> Why is that? I have heard that by the time a women says this she had long ago check out of the marriage and nothing can bring her back. Why isn't that the same for a man? Hasn't he check out too or might he say it to try shake her up to improve the situation before he leaves? Either way I don't understand a spouse saying this unless they are thinking of leaving. Some spouses may feel this way and still stay in the marriage but it serves no purpose to say it and stay in the marriage. It would change the dynamics of the marriage and not for the better.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I agree completely with the open book stuff - full access to all his stuff - total transparency, etc. I 100% disagree that having sex is "rewarding" his behavior - it is you doing your part of the marriage and should have been there all along. Don't make the mistake of making sex in marriage a reward / punishment thing - that is manipulation, and withholding affection and sex likely helped him disconnect from you in the first place.

He likely doesn't know if it's worth the hard work to maintain and repair the relationship with you, while assuming it will end up with very little sex and affection from you.

If he wasn't one foot out the door already and you had not expressed and interest in saving your marriage my advice would be different. But the 180 is intended to create independence and help jolt a partner into seeing what life without you will be like - I think he has already contemplated that so pushing him further away will likely tell him it's not worth the effort and that you don't really want him anyway.

I think you both require some work and IC and MC is going to be critical if you want this to work. You are not communicating and hearing each other's needs effectively, which builds resentment and distance in a relationship.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> technovelist said:
> 
> 
> > "I love you, but i am not in love with you" (ILYBINILWY for short) is about a 90% predictor of cheating, I'm sorry to say. However, I agree that you have a better chance to save your marriage, should you decide to do that, than a man does when his wife tells him that.
> ...


The reason it is not the same is that women *generally *switch allegiances rather than adding new ones, whereas men often add new ones without deleting the old ones. This is explained by the evo-psych paradigm.


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## Sleeplessnights (Dec 1, 2015)

aine said:


> There is no doubt from what you wrote that you have neglected him and the marriage and this is what happens. However, the flirting and possible cheating is 100% on your WH, he chose to do that rather than come to you and discuss your marriage. He also chose to lie to you by hiding what he was doing, till you found out. Therefore it is not up to you to mend this marriage, he crapped on it, now he has to sort it out.
> 
> Of course if counselling etc is on the cards you can work at it wholeheartedly. Do not rug sweep or minimise what he has done, this has to be dealt with first, then your relationship. It appears over the last three months he is weighing the pros and cons of having you and just keeping you as a plan B.
> 
> ...


I love your approach to this as it was similar to my first attempt at correcting my own marriage problems but it blew up in my face. It's easy for people to try and take a stand but you got to be ready to lose everything....I wasn't. I looked my wife in the eye and told her to pick him or me multiple times...she said "I choose no one"....over and over again. I told her choosing no one was choosing him. I received a wound every time I was rejected. I almost stormed out of the house but calmed down because of our kids. I also found out that every time I got mad...she would call the other guy.

Like I said, I like your advice but it's not a sure fire method of fixing the situation. It could actually ruin the marriage. The sad truth is the choice is between pain and pain. You better be ready to lose it all when you take a stand and roll the dice.

My wife wants time. Time for what? Right now, I'm giving her time but the clocks ticking. I made her aware that taking to much time will kill our marriage. Until I know what to do....waiting it is.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I agree completely with the open book stuff - full access to all his stuff - total transparency, etc. I 100% disagree that having sex is "rewarding" his behavior - it is you doing your part of the marriage and should have been there all along. *Don't make the mistake of making sex in marriage a reward / punishment thing - that is manipulation, and withholding affection and sex likely helped him disconnect from you in the first place.
> 
> He likely doesn't know if it's worth the hard work to maintain and repair the relationship with you, while assuming it will end up with very little sex and affection from you.*


OP. Your marriage had problems before he cheated. You admitted that. If that doesn't get addressed in counseling there's no point in trying to save your marriage. 

I agree with TTH. If he does all the work and you hold his cheating over his head without doing your own work, he'll quickly lose interest in you. He has a great deal of resentment over the way you neglected him. He may not be as angry as you are over his cheating, but don't think that means he hasn't been hurt badly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Some advice to give a women who is dealing with the devastating reality of being deceived, humiliated and mistreated. There is never a reason to cheat. The alternatives are far less painful to ones partner and children. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship and not getting it is not a reason to cheat. It may be a reason to seek MC or D but not deception. 

I'd like to see some of this advice directed at a man who wife cheats on him. 

Deal with the cheating first. If you want to reconcile then learn first what true reconciliation is. You are not the one who needs to do all of the work. He is the one who has to show you he is worthy of your trust, that he loves and cares about your feelings. Ask yourself if he is worth the work of putting the relationship back together. 

There is no reason to try if he is still in the frame of mind to cheat or if he has no regret or if he thinks he is entitled. Contrary to the crazy thinking you may be exposed to, sex solves nothing. Having sex will not bond him to you. He has to love you first and then sex will be a bonding experience. 

If you don't mind being used for sex then go for it. It won't feel good to you but since he is the victim cheater in all this then you don't matter for anything except sex. That's his reward for being put upon by the normal ups and downs of a marriage. He has to work to win your trust no easy forgiveness. 

Put you big girl panties on, gather your self respect and act.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

"I love you but..." is just nonsense.
Every relationship goes through a phase when there is excitement when you are getting to know someone, the butterflies in the stomach etc. Then you get married and settle down and things go into a more mature phase. One cannot act like high school kids in love all the time. Love/lust of teen years changes into sacrifice and caring. Many people expect the high school years to go on forever, and when this does not happen, they give this explanation as a justification to cheat.

I think the husband here is cheating and has this as an excuse.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> Some advice to give a women who is dealing with the devastating reality of being deceived, humiliated and mistreated. There is never a reason to cheat. The alternatives are far less painful to ones partner and children. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship and not getting it is not a reason to cheat. It may be a reason to seek MC or D but not deception.
> 
> I'd like to see some of this advice directed at a man who wife cheats on him.
> 
> ...


Don't assume your assumptions are correct. Read his needs her needs. Sex is quite often the number one need for men in a marriage. In those cases it can be equivalent to advising a H that he can not expect a WW to consider R if he is unwilling to talk to his W more than once a week to once a month.

There is a great deal of misunderstanding to the notion that "men just want sex" and "sex isn't that important". Yes, I get that a lot of women believe this, but it's also why many marriages are in crises.

This, by the way, in NO way excuses H's behavior - in fact it doesn't attempt to address it. Rather it points out that bonding and emotional commitment are absolutely required for R and if H accesses that through sex then eliminating sex ensures that he won't be reached emotionally.

I completely and totally get that this seems crazy to a lot of women - but it's probably testosterone that inhibits out emotions. Which is also why I would not hesitate to use extreme force without thinking if my family was threatened. There is a good side and bad side to this biochemistry.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

AlanaK said:


> He is almost 30, i am 33. We ve been together for 12 years. Married for 10. We have a 4 y.o son. We went through separation 6 years ago. I thought he cheated (he says he didnt) and left him. Moved to another state. He never let go of me. We Got back together one year later and had our son a year after that. *Our sex life went down hill. And we stopped having alone time together. My husband did mention that it will affect our relationship, but i was in the mommy mode, so i kind of brushed him of.* I only heard what i wanted to hear, and that was when my husband was telling me that he loves me and we will be together forever. Everything was ok untill i went away with my son for a month to visit my family overseas. I came back home and one day while he was at work i wanted to use his skype account to skype my mom ( using each others skype was never an issue, he left his account open and i saw his flirting messages to some girl. They also skyped each other. I also found his t texts to someone in the flirtatious manner. Both, skyping and texting happened while i was away. And it was two different females.Of caurse i got mad. I confronted him. At first he said that he doesnt know what i am talking about, later he said that he was board while i was away plus he had time to think about our relationship, that while he was alone he felt ok byhimself and thats how he found the attention , by meeting people online. Thats when he told me "i love you, but...." and that the spark is gone. I cried a lot, but agreed to divorce, or separation because i love him and i dont want him to be unhappy. But he said he wants to try, that he loves me, that he wants to feel that spark again. Thats how we live for 3 months. One day we divorsing and the next day we not.He acts distant one day and wants to touch me and kiss me the next day. These 3 months has been an emotional rollercoaster.He puts up the wall if i ask questions, he says that he wants things to get better one day but if i try to have a deep conversation or if i cry, he shuts down. If he had someone else, why not just confess and make life easier for us. I asked him many times, and i told him if there is a 3rd party envolved, i dont want no part of this. He says there is not. Like i said, he comes home after work. He does seem confused. Last friday him and my son went away to visit my inlaws. I staid home because i had to work. He didnt call me or text me for 3 days. Today he came home after work and he wanted to be close to me and hold my hand. The whole situations is weird. I dont get it. Please dont advise me to dig deep and spy on him. I want to know if someone actually has been in my situation and was able to restore or even improve their relationship. I am not saying that looking for people and talking to people in the flirtatious manner is ok. But i also realize that *we got caught up in our routine and neglected our relationship.*


OP,
As a male I can tell you that physical intimacy is critically important to men. The first bolded statement above I find to be very problematic and troubling. You say that you care about your H so much that you would D him if that meant he would be happy. And yet you did not care enough to heed his warnings regarding the health of your marriage but chose instead to "brush him off" when he came to you with his concerns?

What can you do to make him love you? How about love him, perhaps give that a try.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Don't assume your assumptions are correct. Read his needs her needs. Sex is quite often the number one need for men in a marriage. In those cases it can be equivalent to advising a H that he can not expect a WW to consider R if he is unwilling to talk to his W more than once a week to once a month.
> 
> There is a great deal of misunderstanding to the notion that "men just want sex" and "sex isn't that important". Yes, I get that a lot of women believe this, but it's also why many marriages are in crises.
> 
> ...


Your emphasis on sex coupled with your dismissal of his cheating is interesting in light of what I wrote. It's interesting that the talk of man's need for sex is prominent in a thread about a cheater. I take it to mean that sex is the most important aspect in a relationship? 

If this were a man with a wife who cheated on him because he was a bad lover, would you be so generous with her transgression? I doubt it. 

OP the cheating is not your fault. If your husband tells you that he cheated because of lack of sex then you may want to consider the kind of relationship you will have going forward. His morality, commitment, empathy, compassion and character is seated in his small brain. If you are willing to serve that brain then begin servicing him.

If you feel that you are worth more than your genitals, dump him, work on being a better partner and find a man who is thinking with both brains but ruled by the big one.


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

The whole situation is just weird in the sense that is hard to believe that is happening even though is started 3 months ago. Yes he mentioned that us not spending alone time together is going to affect us. But the way he said it and quickly get over it didnt catch my attention, b/c i was busy with my busy mommy/work/school life so it kind of went in one ear and out the other. He said that he should of made bigger stress on the issue b/c it bothered him for a long time. But he didnt. He also said that it s not as much the sex part as the lack of connection. IT DOESNT EXUSE HIM FOR GETTING ON THE INTERNET AND CONNECTING WITH WOMEN, i know that, but i also realised my mistakes. I just afraid is too late. I am not sure why he acts the way he does. One day he is telling me he loves me and he is affectionate and sex is great, and the next day he hardly talks to me. I


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

Sleeplessnights said:


> It's so strange...your story is almost like exactly like mine. Except I'm a man going through the same thing with my wife. I'm clingy and get anxiety from the whole thing. Hope it helps you to know you are not alone with this nonsense. I'm not angry no more but extremely frustrated. Fighting doesn't help...it just makes them run away from you.
> 
> Pm me if you would like to talk more. Maybe we can learn something from each to help our relationships with our spouses. I've been praying. Running out of patience.
> 
> Cheers and hang in there!


Yes, it is a painfull experience. I hope everything will work out for you. For myself, I believe that if you ment to be together - you will be. I willing to give it my best. I also know for myself that whatever my outcome will be, i dont want to become bitter and hatefull. He is a good father. And i am not going to allow our issues to affect his relationship with our son.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > Don't assume your assumptions are correct. Read his needs her needs. Sex is quite often the number one need for men in a marriage. In those cases it can be equivalent to advising a H that he can not expect a WW to consider R if he is unwilling to talk to his W more than once a week to once a month.
> ...


Please reread. You are projecting. I never dismissed his cheating. I'm sorry if you can't understand what I write in plain terms. But I also understand that infidelity triggers many on TAM and is to be expected.


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## Sleeplessnights (Dec 1, 2015)

AlanaK said:


> Sleeplessnights said:
> 
> 
> > It's so strange...your story is almost like exactly like mine. Except I'm a man going through the same thing with my wife. I'm clingy and get anxiety from the whole thing. Hope it helps you to know you are not alone with this nonsense. I'm not angry no more but extremely frustrated. Fighting doesn't help...it just makes them run away from you.
> ...


Have you grieved yet? I just finished...hopelessness has begun to set it. We spent the day just talking as friends about the whole thing. It helped me come to terms with what was going on but probably didn't do much to help the marriage. I have learned that it's OK to be angry but fighting and yelling doesn't help get your point across. If you feel yourself getting depressed...go buy some St John's Wort. Just a suggestion. It has been helping me.

I can't get past her continuing to betray me over and over again...she won't get rid of dude because she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She can't give that a shot because she's in an inappropriate relationship with dude. It's a catch 22 all the way around.

I'm probably going to have to be the one to ask for the divorce. She is not committed to our relationship and undermines the marriage by continuing an inappropriate relationship. I'm just waiting for a sign from the good Lord above. Until then...I'll just try and love myself and the kids


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It is interesting that there is a lot more focus on past unmet needs in this thread. I think it's important to look at those things and fix them if you decide to R, most of the time I am in the minority with that thinking. 

I think some people are more able to understand sex as a man's unmet need vs. a woman's unmet needs. So when someone with unmet needs turns to someone else to fill them, the woman who does is more villianized than the man.

But needs are needs, they are all the same and fall in different order depending on your personal list. A man's lack of sex is no more or less of a reason to cheat as a woman's lack of conversation or time together, or their own need for sex. Whatever your spouses needs are, if you aren't meeting them there will be trouble in one way or another eventually. 

OP- My H had an affair a while ago, what got us through was using a lot of marriage builder material BUT the biggest part was that he was on board to do what it took to fix things. If you don't have both people willing and able it just won't work.
Take a read through the website, sit down with H and see is he's able to fully commit to fixing things

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

My wife (now ex-wife) said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" right before she kicked me out years ago. The same with my brother's wife; she used the exact same line he told me. In both cases the sayer of the line was having an EA and looking for a way out.


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## FaithinVisionsRealized (Nov 17, 2015)

When you speak of your partner loving you but not "Feeling" in love, this happens in close relationships within marriages, friendships, and even our relationships with parents. When you first go through what I call the "Honey Moon" phase in a relationship that typically lasts anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, it is easy to "Feel" in love. This is the phase in which we spend more time getting to know are partner intimately. It is akin to buying a brand new vehicle and testing out all of the fun parts. After about a week or so the newness of what you have is still important; however, tune ups are needed in the future to maintain the vehicle. It is the same in a marriage, you both share life's stresses whether they be children, finances, and or intimacy challenges. My estimation is that there is not enough communication or bonding between the both of you from the limited information, thus leading to both of you living paralell or separate lives. You talked in terms of him being "Very distant" and "Barely talking". Often times when stressors are combined, couples will attack each other instead of seeing the other partner as being supportive. It is confusing for him because he cares for you and does not feel the same warm and fuzzy feelings that he had for you at the beginning of your relationship. Just like the brand new car you buy from the show room, in order to keep it shiny and new there has to be continual investment in time spent, words of affirmation, acts of service, active listening, and other forms of support to your partner. Even when investments are made there are times where you may be angry with your partner or don't have those warm and fuzzy feelings for them. To answer your questions absolutely you can fall back in love with each other. Love is an action word though and in any relationship you may not feel those feelings on a consistent basis. I would recommend each of you seeking counseling to start exploring how to invest in your relationship.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I love you *but* i am not in love with you

Ignore the words before the *but*. The but negates it.



You love him. He does not love you and you will not be his friend, approve of his decision or otherwise be what he expects or demands.

It is alight for him to leave you but he needs to take responsibility for the consequences of that decision and the hurt that he is inflicting on you. ( see what I did there)

You are going to start a new life with no reference to him if this is what he chooses by his actions

He has to accept that as much as you have to accept that you are not his love any more.

Breakups are hard but don’t tear yourself apart with this sentence.


I love you *but* You do not love me and I need to move on.


"But.. but.. but.. I love you.."

Really.. Then total and utter transparency with no buts!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"I love you, but I love cheating with other women on Skype more."

I think that sums your husband up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Goobertron said:


> My wife (now ex-wife) said, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" right before she kicked me out years ago. The same with my brother's wife; she used the exact same line he told me. In both cases the sayer of the line was having an EA and looking for a way out.


ILYBINILWY
translation: you are convenient and I'm used to you but I want more excitement and other benefits that I feel like I'm missing out on.


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

Well, just an update. I did find out two days ago that my H is in fact in a romantic relationship with the girl that i saw on his skype back in September. 
I understand that i was in denayal, because its beyond belief to me that he did this. My best friend, someone who was always there for me just like i was there for him. The other day he actuall left his skype opened again and i saw everything. He denied it the first time when i saw her on his skype back in september. I took a screen shot this time. They call each other baby. They staid on skype for hours during his business trip two weeks ago. I actually found her on facebook and looked at her pictures. she haz a picture with HIm on her facebook posted back in september. My biggest question is WHY do people do this? It would make it so much easier just to let me know that he fell for someone else. But no, instead, he took me through emotional hell in these past few months. I believed that this is happening because of me. I was falling apart i cried and cried and he knew how bad i feel and he didnt give a ****. He created so many lies its hard to believe. When i showed him the facebook picture of them the only thing he said to me was OK. I just dont understand why to lie? Betrayal, lies, and showing no remorse it is what hurts the most. I just find it so unhuman. I told him many times that if there is a 3rd person envolved here i dont wont no part of it and he swore to me on his grandmothers grave that there is nobody else. Why just to not be honest and save us from this mess? Why do people do this? I mean, i cant emagine how do you go to sleep knowing that what you doing is wrong on so many different levels? I just dont understand the logic to this behavior. Am i too naive? Please someone explain to me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

There is no why. There is no logic.
Some people are just selfish.
Some people put their own needs in front of all others.
Sorry. I know your pain.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I've been there. They make you feel like it's all your fault for their misdeeds and do this because they know deep inside what they are doing is wrong and need to justify it.

You will get through this. Know that it's totally not your fault, you just married a selfish man with no character. Better off finding out now than 18 years later like I did. I now realize what she did was a favor to me. In time you will see it the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The day my ex wife told me that is the day I assume she started banging the other guy, that I found out about later.

I tried everything. But because I didn't know about the affair, nothing worked -- because the affair never stopped.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this place. This was not your fault. Maybe the marriage being unhappy was partly due to your actions, but nothing -- and I mean nothing -- makes this your fault.

It shows a lack of character on his part.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

When but is used everything in front of it does not count. It takes away everything in front of it.

Your husband is just a lying cheat, who could not man up and confess what he was doing. It was easier to shift the blame to you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm both sorry and glad you found this out. You had doubts 6 years ago about him and will never know for sure.

Your marriage has had many difficulties and both of you have built up resentments.

You have a son together so will always have a relationship. The question is: what now?

I'm sorry I have no answers there.


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm both sorry and glad you found this out. You had doubts 6 years ago about him and will never know for sure.
> 
> Your marriage has had many difficulties and both of you have built up resentments.
> 
> ...


The answer is simple - i am getting a divorce. For me there is no other way about it. I dont want no part of him. Yes he is the father of my son. Thats about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your decision is a sound one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

AlanaK said:


> The answer is simple - i am getting a divorce. For me there is no other way about it. I dont want no part of him. Yes he is the father of my son. Thats about it.


That's what I think I would do too. Glad you sound so resolute.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AlanaK said:


> Well, just an update. I did find out two days ago that my H is in fact in a romantic relationship with the girl that i saw on his skype back in September.
> I understand that i was in denayal, because its beyond belief to me that he did this. My best friend, someone who was always there for me just like i was there for him. The other day he actuall left his skype opened again and i saw everything. He denied it the first time when i saw her on his skype back in september. I took a screen shot this time. They call each other baby. They staid on skype for hours during his business trip two weeks ago. I actually found her on facebook and looked at her pictures. she haz a picture with HIm on her facebook posted back in september. My biggest question is WHY do people do this? It would make it so much easier just to let me know that he fell for someone else. But no, instead, he took me through emotional hell in these past few months. I believed that this is happening because of me. I was falling apart i cried and cried and he knew how bad i feel and he didnt give a ****. He created so many lies its hard to believe. When i showed him the facebook picture of them the only thing he said to me was OK. I just dont understand why to lie? Betrayal, lies, and showing no remorse it is what hurts the most. I just find it so unhuman. I told him many times that if there is a 3rd person envolved here i dont wont no part of it and he swore to me on his grandmothers grave that there is nobody else. Why just to not be honest and save us from this mess? Why do people do this? I mean, i cant emagine how do you go to sleep knowing that what you doing is wrong on so many different levels? I just dont understand the logic to this behavior. Am i too naive? Please someone explain to me.


It really is rather simple...

He'd rather leave -- and at a glacially slow pace, no less -- w/o telling you the truth because it gives him the opportunity to more fully explore this other relationship before putting his relationship w/ the mother of his child at risk. IOW, if he gets a few weeks in and realizes that this woman is a psychopath, he can cut the cord and run back to you, lamenting how pathetic and wishy-washy he's been, while simultaneously telling you that he's seen the light and wants to stay w/ you. (That still might happen, by the way...)

Telling you the truth puts all of that in jeopardy, and may very well wind up motivating you to go for the throat in terms of spousal support, child support, etc when you divorce.

Basically, he's a spineless coward, constantly angling to ensure the best possible outcome FOR HIMSELF.

No matter how hard you squeeze, you won't get blood from a stone. Likewise, you'll rarely see honorable behavior from someone incapable of it.


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

I asked him to find a rental and leave, his idea was we can be room mates. What a nerve!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AlanaK said:


> Well, just an update. I did find out two days ago that my H is in fact in a romantic relationship with the girl that i saw on his skype back in September.
> I understand that i was in denayal, because its beyond belief to me that he did this. My best friend, someone who was always there for me just like i was there for him. The other day he actuall left his skype opened again and i saw everything. He denied it the first time when i saw her on his skype back in september. I took a screen shot this time. They call each other baby. They staid on skype for hours during his business trip two weeks ago. I actually found her on facebook and looked at her pictures. she haz a picture with HIm on her facebook posted back in september. My biggest question is WHY do people do this? It would make it so much easier just to let me know that he fell for someone else. But no, instead, he took me through emotional hell in these past few months. I believed that this is happening because of me. I was falling apart i cried and cried and he knew how bad i feel and he didnt give a ****. He created so many lies its hard to believe. When i showed him the facebook picture of them the only thing he said to me was OK. I just dont understand why to lie? Betrayal, lies, and showing no remorse it is what hurts the most. I just find it so unhuman. I told him many times that if there is a 3rd person envolved here i dont wont no part of it and he swore to me on his grandmothers grave that there is nobody else. Why just to not be honest and save us from this mess? Why do people do this? I mean, i cant emagine how do you go to sleep knowing that what you doing is wrong on so many different levels? I just dont understand the logic to this behavior. Am i too naive? Please someone explain to me.


What is the POS going to do with his Grandmother's grave now that he has psychically desecrated it? Desecrate it physically?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sleeplessnights said:


> Have you grieved yet? I just finished...hopelessness has begun to set it. We spent the day just talking as friends about the whole thing. It helped me come to terms with what was going on but probably didn't do much to help the marriage. I have learned that it's OK to be angry but fighting and yelling doesn't help get your point across. If you feel yourself getting depressed...go buy some St John's Wort. Just a suggestion. It has been helping me.
> 
> I can't get past her continuing to betray me over and over again...she won't get rid of dude because she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She can't give that a shot because she's in an inappropriate relationship with dude. It's a catch 22 all the way around.
> 
> I'm probably going to have to be the one to ask for the divorce. She is not committed to our relationship and undermines the marriage by continuing an inappropriate relationship. I'm just waiting for a sign from the good Lord above. Until then...I'll just try and love myself and the kids


You're in a catch 22 because you are allowing it. Waiting for her to make a choice? Really? Obviously you have no respect for yourself so she won't have any for you either. 

That's no way to live a life. Force the issue. You have no marriage to lose anyway. File immediately.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

W


AlanaK said:


> The answer is simple - i am getting a divorce. For me there is no other way about it. I dont want no part of him. Yes he is the father of my son. Thats about it.


Get the best lawyer you can and make sure you get as much financially as possible. You will need every penny. Do not back down!


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

OMG u guys. How do u make it as peasefull as possible in this kind of situation? . I cant even look at him and i cant imagine our existance in the same place, but he doesnt want to leave. He wants everything at his convenience. I cant stand it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With extremely rare exception,  ILYBINILWY is so richly heralded as "the cheaters mantra!"

If a BS ever hears those very words uttered, it is considered to be the proverbial "beginning of the end!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

AlanaK said:


> OMG u guys. How do u make it as peasefull as possible in this kind of situation? . I cant even look at him and i cant imagine our existance in the same place, but he doesnt want to leave. He wants everything at his convenience. I cant stand it.


It is soooo hard! I lived in that environment for close to 6 months earlier this year. I was actually just thinking over my year yesterday and about what it was like, how stressful, and I'm just so glad to be not living that way anymore. In my case, I was the one who hadn't left yet because we decided that I would move out, and I bought a house so I had to wait for settlement. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but I couldn't. 

I spent a LOT of time in my office (I work from home), even eating meals there while he ate with the kids. We got into a lot of fights because it's hard for me to bite my tongue. He had such disdain for me even though I'd done nothing wrong. He was so angry with me that he couldn't even look me in the eye and he said some terrible terrible things, and it even got physically abusive. 

Have you exposed to friends and family? That may get his rear in gear to just get the hell out. 

I'm sooo sorry you're going through this.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Since you have chosen divorce, hit him hard and fast with it. NO back and forth. He needs to feel the full repercussions of his choice. He's going to attempt to play you hard. Don't let him.

You might see a window of reconciliation open up, but only if you want it and only AFTER hitting him hard and fast where the full weight of his choice is resting on his shoulders.

And I am very sorry...


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## AlanaK (Dec 1, 2015)

He is not a screamer or fighter. Neighter am i. The fact that he stays so calm and has a nerve to look at me in the eyes, the fact that he showes no remorse thats what bothers me the most. I want to screaaam, but i cant because of our son. I dont want to create negative environment for my son.But I mean how could you not realize that what you did is bad...but it seems that he doesnt really care...that none of that bother him. 
So yesterday i wanted to have a conversation b/c i wanted to ask him why? Why insted of just telling me and makebit easier for both of us he chose such a cruel selfish ways? I told him many times trough out our relatio ship that life happens and if he ever fall for someone all he has to do is to be honest. How is it possible that he felt no shame when he saw me crumble and fall apart, instead he was going on dates, skyping, texting.I mean this is not his nature. He really is a desent guy. How could he do such a thing? he saw what a mess i was, he had to realize that what he is doing is wrong. But instead of telling me the truth he fed me bunch of lies for 4 months. How is it possible that he still had a nerve to touch me, to be intimate with me, to tell me that he loves me? The whole thing just doesnt make sense. So i wanted him to explain. And all he had to say is "I really dont know. I know that what i did is wrong, but i was missing something in our relationship. I do love you, even though i know you not going to believe me. All i can say i am sorry ( but you could see the difference when someone apologise from the heart or when someone sais i am sorry withought putting his heart in it) And i said to him that i highly doubt that, but if its the trouth, i hope it will hurt half as much as i was hurting.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AlanaK said:


> The fact that he stays so calm and has a nerve to look at me in the eyes, the fact that he showes no remorse thats what bothers me the most.


Asking "why?" is a natural response when someone we thought we knew betrays us on such a fundamental level. You may never get an answer to why he did this, but I have the feeling as the years go by and your are more emotionally disconnected from the situation, you will have greater insight as to why it happened. 



AlanaK said:


> So i wanted him to explain. And all he had to say is "I really dont know. I know that what i did is wrong, but i was missing something in our relationship. I do love you, even though i know you not going to believe me. All i can say i am sorry ( but you could see the difference when someone apologise from the heart or when someone sais i am sorry withought putting his heart in it)


He explained. My guess is the emotional pain you are having comes from the fact that you really believed he was a decent guy. Your expectations of what he is and who he is are wrong. I'm sorry, but your husband is a self-serving, immature jerk. You were his Plan B if the affair with the OW didn't work out.

People who cheat lie. People who are addicts lie. People with all sorts of character defects lie. Your husband sounds like one of those folks who wants to back out of this relationship with a minimum of emotional involvement, and if saving his a$$ meant lying to you, that's okay.

Get an attorney. Now.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

AlanaK said:


> He is not a screamer or fighter. Neighter am i. The fact that he stays so calm and has a nerve to look at me in the eyes, the fact that he showes no remorse thats what bothers me the most. I want to screaaam, but i cant because of our son. I dont want to create negative environment for my son.But I mean how could you not realize that what you did is bad...but it seems that he doesnt really care...that none of that bother him.
> So yesterday i wanted to have a conversation b/c i wanted to ask him why? Why insted of just telling me and makebit easier for both of us he chose such a cruel selfish ways? I told him many times trough out our relatio ship that life happens and if he ever fall for someone all he has to do is to be honest. How is it possible that he felt no shame when he saw me crumble and fall apart, instead he was going on dates, skyping, texting.I mean this is not his nature. He really is a desent guy. How could he do such a thing? he saw what a mess i was, he had to realize that what he is doing is wrong. But instead of telling me the truth he fed me bunch of lies for 4 months. How is it possible that he still had a nerve to touch me, to be intimate with me, to tell me that he loves me? The whole thing just doesnt make sense. So i wanted him to explain. And all he had to say is "I really dont know. I know that what i did is wrong, but i was missing something in our relationship. I do love you, even though i know you not going to believe me. All i can say i am sorry ( but you could see the difference when someone apologise from the heart or when someone sais i am sorry withought putting his heart in it) And i said to him that i highly doubt that, but if its the trouth, i hope it will hurt half as much as i was hurting.


Its called affair fog. Thats why ....


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Sleeplessnights said:


> It's so strange...your story is almost like exactly like mine. Except I'm a man going through the same thing with my wife. I'm clingy and get anxiety from the whole thing. Hope it helps you to know you are not alone with this nonsense. I'm not angry no more but extremely frustrated. Fighting doesn't help...it just makes them run away from you.
> 
> Pm me if you would like to talk more. Maybe we can learn something from each to help our relationships with our spouses. I've been praying. Running out of patience.
> 
> Cheers and hang in there!


Sleepless, you should start your own thread so we can help you. Keep on praying, God answers prayers. This forum can help your sanity and confidence.


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