# Staying together after the affair



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

In August I discovered that my husband was having sex with another woman for about the last 4 months. Since then he has ended the affair and committed to fixing what he messed up. 

He is living up to his word on everything and focusing on every day doing things to build up trust. He used to be terrible at communicate but when I need to talk about things he does. Our friendship has returned and our intimacy has never been better so things are going well. 

Although here is my problem. I don't fully trust him. My gut told me before he was cheating but I ignored it even though there were signs. So now I check up on him. I check our phone bill (even keep a log of numbers I know are his friends and customers so I can tell if a new number pops up), check his email (he doesn't know I figured out the password), and even drive by the places he admitted to parking with her. I also will check his texts and emails on his iphone. He knows I do that but doesn't know about the rest. 

Then one day SHE emailed him. She created a new email account but I knew it was her. All she said was "hey". On his iphone I emailed back "hey". I did this to verify it was her and not some kind of spam. She responded "email me from a different account". This time I left it and marked it unread. On the computer I could see he moved it to trash without answering. Then she emailed him again "please call me, I just want to ask you one thing then I promise never to talk to you again". This time he told me and told me she emailed him two other times but he didn't know it was her (she didn't sign her name and used a complete new email address). He deleted without answering and said that if he said anything she'd think that was positive (he's right but part of me wanted him to tell her off).

A month went by and this week she emailed him again "please its really important". He deleted and there hasn't been anything else. 

I watch his email but who knows maybe he figured out I do that...but its just leaving me with uncertainty. I just want her to go away completely. Can I trust that he really won't contact her? She seemed to give up so easily so did he call her? He says no. :scratchhead:

He says he has everything he wants right here and he was too dumb to realize it before and that he just got me back he doesn't plan to lose me. I really want to believe it. 

The other thing I do is I think about the details, when he lied, what was said, imagine the two of them together. It always makes me mad but I can't seem to stop. 

We are getting along really well together and I don't want to keep talking about the affair I want to move on so how do I stop thinking every day about her and what happened and stop checking up on him? 

Anyone else do this or is jus me? :scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your husband is doing everything he is supposed to. In instances like that you have to look at the micro (this specific action) and not the macro (the affair). And no you don't want him to tell her off. That would only spur a response on her part. You take it one day at a time. Look for reasons to love him if you get triggered. He will beat himself up over this too. If he loves you, the more you love him the more he will regret what he has done.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> This time he told me and told me she emailed him two other times but he didn't know it was her (she didn't sign her name and used a complete new email address). He deleted without answering and said that if he said anything she'd think that was positive (he's right but part of me wanted him to tell her off).


This is such huge sign that he is really committed to fixing things. He could have just deleted them and not said anything b/c he didnt want to ruffle your feathers, so to speak. but the fact that he talked to you about the messages, and told you what he was thinking, is really huge to me. It means he is really willing to communicate about this, and is accepting that you are recovering. 

I think you should be very open with him about how you are still struggling to trust him. the more chances you get for him to reassure you, the more your fears will subside.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

He seems to have made himself transparent to you so that you can see for yourself that there is no further unsavory activity. For me, I had to talk to the other man and let him know that I would come a-callin' on him if he ever made any effort to contact my wife again. My wife confirmed to him that he couldn't possibly live enough years to straighten out the mess I could make for him... I got some satisfaction out of that...

At the end of the day, I have had to realize that I have been lied to before AND after the affair, and my wife has had to realize that she can't be dishonest with me if she wants to have a marriage with me.

Sounds to me like things are heading in the right direction! Good luck!!

~Moog


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

AZmom,

No, it's not just you. I kept up with it until time went on and felt there was nothing to find. In my case, she still works at the same place so thoughts come now and then. I, like you, wish they would just go away altogether because we are doing great.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Hi AZMom -

I do know how you feel. My time frame/situation is quite similar to yours. Your husband has been honest, not hiding anything, and that's what makes the difference. He obviously does want to move forward with YOU, not her. 

We are doing great. I hardly feel the need to look at emails, cell phone calls, etc. anymore. I think time will help you feel the same, as long as he continues to be forthright. Hang in there, it DOES get better.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> Your husband is doing everything he is supposed to. In instances like that you have to look at the micro (this specific action) and not the macro (the affair). And no you don't want him to tell her off. That would only spur a response on her part. You take it one day at a time. Look for reasons to love him if you get triggered. He will beat himself up over this too. If he loves you, the more you love him the more he will regret what he has done.


I know you are right, no attention at all and she will eventually go away. He does actually really regret what he has done and it does eat away at him. We finally talked about that. I guess I never expressed anger about it before except right when I found out and that was pretty short, I was more in shock. I don't feel angry all the time but once in awhile I just feel really mad but never expressed it. I did the other night though...that's what I get for too many margaritas and jello shots in one night...superbowl.. but it was a good thing because I think I needed to do that and I now know too how much he regrets what he did. It was good to talk even if it was emotionally charged at the time.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> This is such huge sign that he is really committed to fixing things. He could have just deleted them and not said anything b/c he didnt want to ruffle your feathers, so to speak. but the fact that he talked to you about the messages, and told you what he was thinking, is really huge to me. It means he is really willing to communicate about this, and is accepting that you are recovering.
> 
> I think you should be very open with him about how you are still struggling to trust him. the more chances you get for him to reassure you, the more your fears will subside.


Thank you for your advice. We did have a heart to heart the other day and I told him that I knew the reason I struggle to trust him. I know he has not told me everything, I know he is holding back and that I think if he wants to gain trust back, stick your neck out and trust me. He did and I learned two things one that the affair was longer than he told me it was and that was a big thing he weighing on him he downplayed it and second about 3 years ago while out of town he asked a girl out but never went through with it. I should be really mad and it does hurt but rather than get upset I told him I was glad he told me. If I reacted then I knew he'd not tell me anything again. It seemed though once he told me, a ton of bricks was lifted from his shoulders, mine too though because I finally feel like I know everything now and that he will be honest in the future. We're getting there, its a tough road. 

I wish I could get the message out to anyone contemplating cheating just how this affects everyone and how difficult it can be on not only the one cheated on but the cheater as well. I can tell you if my husband realized all that he never would have done what he did. He will be the first to tell you that it was not worth it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree! I think that it hurt my husband for what he did just as bad as it hurt me. You are awesome though I have to say that! when he told me his bit of missing info I FLIPPED. seriuosly it was bad so bad. I just knew though that something was missing like you. But I am glad to see someone so positive it really helps me to.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

moogvo said:


> He seems to have made himself transparent to you so that you can see for yourself that there is no further unsavory activity. For me, I had to talk to the other man and let him know that I would come a-callin' on him if he ever made any effort to contact my wife again. My wife confirmed to him that he couldn't possibly live enough years to straighten out the mess I could make for him... I got some satisfaction out of that...
> 
> At the end of the day, I have had to realize that I have been lied to before AND after the affair, and my wife has had to realize that she can't be dishonest with me if she wants to have a marriage with me.
> 
> ...


I read how its normal to feel violent towards the one your spouse cheated with. That must have felt very good to make him understand stay away. This woman does, I am actually a very gentle person but mess with my family and I will protect them. She knows it and will not come near me, email is safe for her. But then again she is a coward, too cowardly and lazy to build her own life. She is now involved with another woman (she really doesn't care which sex) who is married with 3 kids. That marriage is now breaking up and the children are paying the price! She's fatal attraction! 

What you said though about realizing you have been lied to before and after the affair is key for me. I could almost accept he was in a different place, screwed up and we started over but there were lots of lies afterward too. Most because he was afraid that if he told all I would walk out or to protect me. If this were in reverse all he would need to know is that there was an affair, he'd want zero details. I'm different. So he realizes now. But the other things was the first few days after I found out, after I made very clear I would leave him if he so much as talked to her, she emailed him and he responded. He admitted there were about a half a dozen exchanges. Not to continue or to see her again but more for closure and to see how she was doing. Then suddenly he realized what am I doing and stopped without so much as telling her why. 

But it still hurts, how was she doing? My life was in shambles, my kids were hurting. He needed closure??? I didn't get that and that does eat at me but I'm coming to terms with that and moving on. 

Thanks for you comments and advice.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Its funny how men are they dont want the details and women want EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL. My thing is I want my husband to dispise her I want him to hate her and be so disgusted in what he did. And well I want to kick her in the face to lol


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

swedish said:


> AZmom,
> 
> No, it's not just you. I kept up with it until time went on and felt there was nothing to find. In my case, she still works at the same place so thoughts come now and then. I, like you, wish they would just go away altogether because we are doing great.


That must be hard them working together. I don't think I am strong enough for that...but you know you gotta pay the bills too. 

In our case she has moved away but her folks still own the house and they rented it to her new girlfriend and their family. There is bad blood between us as the new girlfriend (yep she's bi) is a drama queen and involved herself and proceeded to accuse my husband in front of my children and her own of sleeping with this girl. So needless to say I do not like her. However, her situation has imploded and she appears to have left her husband to live with the girl so although they are still in the house I do not see them (she used to live next door to me and moved 2 houses down...) we have empty houses around us now and a friend moved in on one side of us and a very good chance another good friend buying house next to me. The dynamics have changed in our neighborhood from neighbors talking about us to having nice neighbors who are our friends. Wish I could have moved but I can't afford too but I sure think God was looking out for me by moving people out and other ones in!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

blindsided said:


> Hi AZMom -
> 
> I do know how you feel. My time frame/situation is quite similar to yours. Your husband has been honest, not hiding anything, and that's what makes the difference. He obviously does want to move forward with YOU, not her.
> 
> We are doing great. I hardly feel the need to look at emails, cell phone calls, etc. anymore. I think time will help you feel the same, as long as he continues to be forthright. Hang in there, it DOES get better.


Thank you, that helps. I've stopped checking cell phone bill although if he leaves it lying around I have checked it a few times. Not that that does any good too easy to delete. But I do check email once or twice a day. I used to be more obssessive so maybe it will just just get less and less...


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Ya I agree! I think that it hurt my husband for what he did just as bad as it hurt me. You are awesome though I have to say that! when he told me his bit of missing info I FLIPPED. seriuosly it was bad so bad. I just knew though that something was missing like you. But I am glad to see someone so positive it really helps me to.


I definately have my moments but its getting less and less. Some times I feel I'm riding a rollercoaster!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I wonder what gods plan was for me why? I believe that things happen for a reason I do strongly think that. I wonder why Something like what happend. Happend to me? it makes you think what did I do in my life?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> Its funny how men are they dont want the details and women want EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL. My thing is I want my husband to dispise her I want him to hate her and be so disgusted in what he did. And well I want to kick her in the face to lol


YES! This is how I feel, and I'm such a rational person. But I also think this is a woman I entrusted with my children. I didn't include in here how she tried to steal my son's affections (4 years old). She had photos on her My Space page of her with my son! My husband didn't even know she'd taken those. "My special little man"...not my daughter, she's too old and too smart she started to really hate her and said "I wish she'd go away" so then this woman would do little mean things to her. I'd point them out to my husband but he'd say maybe I'm reading too much in to it. They'd be subtle little things like teasing that went to far...but a woman knows and a mother sure knows! 

He actually is more ambivalent. Although he has said some negative things since she made a scen a few times at our house, that really made him mad. He just didn't react at all. How does he do that?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

How is it that you know this women was she a friend or something? You seem to be close to her like he was?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> How is it that you know this women was she a friend or something? You seem to be close to her like he was?


The woman my husband cheated with is a neighbor and used to babysit my children. I've known her family for 10+ years too. She now has a girlfriend and that girlfriend used to live next door to me. She decided to get in on the drama too and made it her business so now I deal with two of them instead of just one of them (she was trying to help this girl communicate with my husband and trying to enable). I've known her 10+ years too.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

OMG thats crazy! so does the family all know yet or they will soon. I am so sorry its the worst when its someone you know well maybe? I found that by having it someone I know I got all the details and everything if it was a stranger I would never EVER know if he had sex or not and I would always think in the back of my mind that he did. So in this situation I got all details I lost a friend a good friend but gained a better relationship with my hubby! I think that you may have the same outcome!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> I wonder what gods plan was for me why? I believe that things happen for a reason I do strongly think that. I wonder why Something like what happend. Happend to me? it makes you think what did I do in my life?


Well actually that was an easier answer for me. I know that we have free will so my husband chose infidelity but I think God had a plan for me and its working. If I were completely honest I would say I was not happy before, not unhappy but existing. I had a lot to be thankful for, a nice home, both of us have jobs, 2 beautiful healthy kids. So I felt ungrateful for not being happy. 

But it was ME. I was existing. I always wanted to be in shape, I'd start and stop and then hate every picture of myself or how I looked in the mirror. I wasn't huge or anything but I did go from a size 8 to a 4. It wasn't just how I looked, I changed my diet and feel healthier and more energy and I know love exercise. I did that for me and I felt better. I felt bad before about focusing on me, like all my time should be for my kids and husband. Boy it feels good to do something for yourself! 

I also was a bit of a wallflower, my friends were wives of his friends. Well when I thought I'd be alone I joined a single mom's group. This is a group I think God led me to. Those women were amazing and really helped me to save myself. 

I also took the time to get to know someone who I'd been friendly with. She is now my best friend and pulled me in to her world with friends and family and now I have a huge group of friends that love me for me and my husband is now friends with the husbands...what a switch! 

But I gained something, independance and confidence. I realized I make my own happiness. So I am now more fun to be with, a better mother and a better wife. I also know if I have to, I CAN make it alone. I hope I won't have to but I know I can, and that is something I did not think I could do before. 

I often think if I was who I am today when he started cheating, how would life be different. In the first place, I'd have kicked her butt out of my home and told her if she ever showed her face around me or my kids I'd have it on a platter as for him, I'd have packed his bags. I was NOT that person when all this occurred. 

So I really think that was God's plan for me....although I would have preferred he just write it down for me, and email perhaps... and not have to go through all of this! But its my silver lining. I am in no way happy this happened but pulling some good out of a horrible situation is important to me. Still doesn't excuse what he did.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

I am glad that I am not the only one who got in shape after my spouse had an affair ;-)....Thinking about dating again, the anger, all of that. Lost the appetite, and started working out. Lost 70lbs - best shape of my life. Interesting - that also helped my wife become more physically attracted to me. She was more proud of me losing weight, then all of the promotions I got in the last 10 years.
These situations show that we are - fighters, runners, or people that just exist. They also grow us - either into bitter and resentful people, or into people that learn how to truly live, give themselves freely and enjoy their spouse.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its just learning to take the path of learning and living freely and not the bitter resentful path. THATS HARD! Cause you know when you think of your self as a great catch and then you get pissed thinking back of all the memories and the good times and you get so mad thinking how could they do that to me? so taking the hight road is a challange! Thats awesome that you got into shape and showed that you are a strong person! and that you are not going to let it get you down and run you over. Its funny cause I am a dork but I think back and I am like ok if I had a time machine would I go back and change anything then I think well If I would have stopped the first kiss we would be in the same rut taking advantage of each other and all about hanging out with friends not family. So if I would have let the first kiss go would that have changed anything NO. Cause that would have been dismissed as we were both smashed she kissed me she didnt remember blah blah. So I think that the second time had to happen for my husband and me to get that slap in the face you know the what the hell are you doing. And I think man I wish it was someone that we didnt know all the time. BUT if it was I know me I would always think it was something like sex not just a kiss I wouldnt believe him at all. kinda crazy. I know but makes sense to.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

blindsided said:


> Hi AZMom -
> 
> I do know how you feel. My time frame/situation is quite similar to yours. Your husband has been honest, not hiding anything, and that's what makes the difference. He obviously does want to move forward with YOU, not her.
> 
> We are doing great. I hardly feel the need to look at emails, cell phone calls, etc. anymore. I think time will help you feel the same, as long as he continues to be forthright. Hang in there, it DOES get better.


Hi there, I'm not trying to hijack this thread but Blindsided, I have read some of your other posts and your situation sounds so much like mine. You seem like you have a pretty good perspective on what happened in your situation. If you are interested, will you contact me through a private message. I think we could maybe help one another! CoFlgirl


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

sunflower said:


> OMG thats crazy! so does the family all know yet or they will soon. I am so sorry its the worst when its someone you know well maybe? I found that by having it someone I know I got all the details and everything if it was a stranger I would never EVER know if he had sex or not and I would always think in the back of my mind that he did. So in this situation I got all details I lost a friend a good friend but gained a better relationship with my hubby! I think that you may have the same outcome!


Her family knows but neither mine or his know. I did a crazy thing, when I discovered it he was out and I figured with her. I walked to her parents house they were out of town but her brother was watching the house. I told him the whole story. He was the only one around, I needed to tell someone. He was amazing he told me he was so sorry for what his sister did to my family and he would be there for me. He and I are still friendly. Her parents actually came over and apologized to me and told me that their values were that marriage was sacred. Its all awkward so glad they moved away. 

Yeah it definately is harder knowing the other woman, it would have been better if it were a stranger!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> I am glad that I am not the only one who got in shape after my spouse had an affair ;-)....Thinking about dating again, the anger, all of that. Lost the appetite, and started working out. Lost 70lbs - best shape of my life. Interesting - that also helped my wife become more physically attracted to me. She was more proud of me losing weight, then all of the promotions I got in the last 10 years.
> These situations show that we are - fighters, runners, or people that just exist. They also grow us - either into bitter and resentful people, or into people that learn how to truly live, give themselves freely and enjoy their spouse.


I started exercising for him, but shortly after it was all for me. I realized you have to do things for yourself and I love how it makes me feel and found I actually love running. He was also very proud of me because I set a goal and nothing stopped me. I ran in pouring rain (have a treadmill but I slack if I'm inside). It boosted my energy level and helped me eliminate more stress. He was always active but he started running with me, and its an activity we enjoy together. It changed my confidence and he talks about that all the time, it make physical changes but the biggest changes were internal. 

We ended up joining a few recreational leagues together and so now we are as active as our kids but I look forward to every game.


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