# Am I just being jealous



## dejavu70 (Nov 20, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 21 years and marriaed for for 17 years. About 9 years ago, we had a really rough patch when he started having an emotional affair and I ended up having a physical affair (as retaliation in my mind at the time). He didnt see the signs that she was wanting a lot more until it was too late. She played the "needy" card and my husband being the kind heart that he is fell right into her hands. It started out slow and progressed to taking our kids to the movies with her and her son when I was out of town and always being there for her because she didnt have anyone. Anyway, we agreed that there would be no more single friends (she wasn't single when we all met) unless it was same sex friendship. My husband was introduced to a woman (she was a monetary sponser for racing) about 2 years ago, through a mutual friend. She was in a relationship so I never thought anything of it and there was only communication about money for racing anyway, but over the past year, her partner moved away and she is all alone with her teenage son. My husband sees her as a person that doesn't have true friends and he again thinks that he needs to take care of a helpless woman. They text off and on all day. She is always inviting him to things like to see her son march in a parade or at football games, knowing that I have to work, but I am always invited to come when I get off work and he goes thinking he is supporting the child, which would not bother me if this were his child. Now she does invite me, but it seems like an afterthought most times, and my husband gets upset if I ask him to wait to do things until I get off work. I am only trying to be logical in the sense that we would not have 2 vehicles where ever it would be. We have gone to various functions with other friends and they have even made the comment about how she looks at him and acts. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, and he just gets upset. I just wish he could see through my eyes what I see. Please help me figure a way to get my husband to listen without reacting. He has tried to get us to do things together, but it seems the only thing that we have in common is MY husband and I really have no desire to be her best friend.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sorry... But all my instincts would fly at being jealous.

I'd be telling him H E ll , no... he ain't gonna text her daily... even weekly... He's not going to "be there" for her... or her son.

Sorry for her luck that her mate left... She can find another man.. 'cuz the one she's looking at is already taken by you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Since in all opposite sex friendships the man wants to have sex with the woman (as in your husbands case, I have ZERO doubt) they are only a MINOR possibility because the woman, most times, has no interest in sex with the male friend. Once the woman starts pursuing, as in your case, nature takes over and love blossoms.

This may just be an emotional affair now, but by new years, it's a full blown physical affair. Nip it now. I'm just good at pointing out the obvious. The rest of the folks here will have to tell you how to fix it. It's not good.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

For me jealousy is a perfectly valid set of emotions. But it’s important to understand them:

_Understanding Jealousy 

As emotions go, jealousy is neither subtle nor kind, but it is definitely complex, encompassing feelings from fear of abandonment to rage to humiliation. It strikes both men and women when they perceive a third-party threat to a valued relationship, and that distinguishes it from envy, which involves wanting something someone else has. Conventional wisdom holds that jealousy is a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds, but it more often destroys them. And it can give rise to relationship violence._ Jealousy | Psychology Today



The emotions include insecurity, fear, anxiety over an anticipated loss, anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. So jealousy is a right smorgasbord of negative and sometimes very strong and deep emotions Jealousy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.



I think jealousy is a massive red flag in our relationship and in your case your H has a lot of work to do such that your jealousy goes away.


But what can you do? Basically this is a marriage boundary issue. Typically the boundary is “No opposite sex friends”. Most especially at the level your H has this particular one.


So make it a boundary issue. If you’re not used to boundaries, now is the time to get to know them and enforce them.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Gotta love these damn-sels in distress.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can see both of your viewpoints, Deja. Your husband sounds like he's a good guy, and it's admirable that he feels a sense of responsibility to those who need it. 

On the other hand, you've got substantial reason to doubt - after all, you've been down this road before and it had some eerie similarities. 

I don't think the problem stems from having single friends of the opposite sex, though. It stems from your husband feeling responsible for people he isn't responsible for. His displaced loyalty is causing problems in your marriage, and it's important for him to make your marriage his number one priority. 

It's nice that she's inviting you, but I've also experienced a situation where such invitations were a ploy to reassure me that she wasn't after my first husband when she actually was.

If I was in your shoes, I would tell my husband that I admired how he feels that sense of duty toward others but remind him that he is responsible to his family, and for his family. He's not responsible for a woman he isn't in a committed relationship with, nor to her child. I would tell him that while I don't want to try to control him or manage his relationships with other people, that I have some responsibilities to myself... including protecting myself from pain. I would make the suggestion to have dinner with her and her son once a month for the next few months as she gets back on her feet. His presence in her life only enables her to rely on him, and that it's not reasonable for him to expect your marriage to endure that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She's after your "nice guy" husband & he likes the attention.

If you are not comfortable with this friendship, find a way to end it.


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## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

Seems like your husband has a boundary issue rather than this being a jealousy issue. Your husband is not respecting the boundaries of marriage and your status in his life as #1 priority, which means he avoids participating in situations that you find disturbing for whatever reason. What matters is that is how you feel. (And everyone I know would feel the same way!) he seems like he has a bit of white knight syndrome and gets validation from rescuing the damsal in distress....he ought to take a serious look at that and whatever his motivations are b/c they are destructive to your marriage. At best, he is failing to honor the marriage. Have you asked him how he would feel if the table was turned and you were focused on meeting another man's needs? You'd think this stuff would be a no brainer for him after survivng infedelity but one has to wonder how much he has really learned or changed....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

^ Well said.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ranaz2 said:


> Seems like your husband has a boundary issue rather than this being a jealousy issue. Your husband is not respecting the boundaries of marriage and your status in his life as #1 priority, which means he avoids participating in situations that you find disturbing for whatever reason. What matters is that is how you feel. (And everyone I know would feel the same way!) he seems like he has a bit of white knight syndrome and gets validation from rescuing the damsal in distress....he ought to take a serious look at that and whatever his motivations are b/c they are destructive to your marriage. At best, he is failing to honor the marriage. Have you asked him how he would feel if the table was turned and you were focused on *meeting another man's needs?* You'd think this stuff would be a no brainer for him after survivng infedelity but one has to wonder how much he has really learned or changed....


Be more specific when you talk to him. the first thing he will probably say is "I'm not anyone's needs, least of all hers." So just enumerate everything that he does that's in appropriate.

In your situation, I also would not be above dealing directly with this woman. These invitations, does she contact you directly or you get them for your husband. Talk to her since all three of you are supposed to be such good friends.

ETA: if she dos not already invite yu directly to the same things that she invites your husband to, tell that she needs to contact you whether by phone text or e-mail. And hold her to it.


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## Eilonwy (Nov 27, 2012)

While I agree with most of the replies here, I do want to point out one other thing: this is totally up to you to defend your territory. Sometimes, you just have to.

My dad has gone through similar situations to your husband. In that, certain people in the past have definitely tried to get close to him (I have personally encountered two). I will preface this by saying my father is a professor, and he has a big heart. He loves talking about a ton of different things. So when these particular two girls tried getting close to him, (one was close to my age), he thought they were wayward kids or whatever, and tried helping them through "difficult patches" in their life. My father and his generous heart never saw that these women were trying to get close to him, only my mother and I did.

That being said, when a guy genuinely doesn't want to get close to another woman, or is not thinking of her in that way, it is really obvious. He never tried to hide anything from my mother, he was always open about everything. The only time they argued about any of this, was when my father thought my mom was being overly jealous. He chided her about helping others ("what if Eilonwy was going through this?")....but even after this argument, he changed his behavior a little to try to make my mom feel better. When a guy cares, it is obvious. Trust me.

One girl eventually gave up when she saw she was getting nowhere. The other girl? My mom had to figuratively *****-slap her. This girl had no shame. My mom had to mark her territory: told the girl to back off, grew extremely cold, etc, etc. Sometimes you just have to. Your husband should understand and should not have a problem with you being defensive. Sure, you might argue about how it's done or whatever, but at the most fundamental level, he should not have a problem with you wanting to defend your status as his wife, with you being protective of the relationship. So gauge his reaction.


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