# Family Advice?



## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Ugh. I really need some advice here. I'm going to tell the whole story because I think it's important for sound advice.

When I was 8, my 12 year old half-brother (my dad's son) molested me. I saw a therapist for a while and as I got older I realized that while he knew what he was doing, he didn't know the repercussions. However, my mom protected me from him while I was younger and we never developed a brother/sister relationship. He got married and my nieces were born. I would spend time with them at family gatherings and started to develop a closer relationship with them.

Fast forward to a few years ago. I met my husband and when I introduced him to my brother and SIL, we all just clicked. We started spending a lot of time together. We would initiate just about everything that we did together. We took them to Las Vegas, Chicago, and to the Upper Peninsula in Michigan (all on our dime). 

Things were going great, my SIL was the matron of honor at our wedding, and my SIL and a mutual friend of my husband and I (one my bridesmaids) started going to a bible study together. Then this mutual friend told my SIL that my husband was having an affair with another female mutual friend of ours. She didn't tell her everything she knew and didn't provide any evidence. When the rumor came out to me (I had jokingly asked my husband if he was cheating because I had been having issues with UTIs and yeast infections and he told me that my brother had asked him the same thing earlier in the day), I called my SIL to see what the deal was. She said "I am 100% positive that your husband is, has, and will continue to cheat on you". Those words have stuck with me and our relationship with my brother and SIL hasn't been the same. 

They have come up to our house for dinner once or twice since and my nieces stayed the night on my step-daughter's birthday sleep-over. We had to send the girls home because they weren't listening and going to bed like we asked them to. We were up for more than an hour fighting with them to go to bed while all the other girls were trying to sleep and shushing them.

I've talked with my brother a few times and I was supposed to meet my SIL for dinner one evening but she cancelled because of an incident on facebook. They came to my graduation party in March and she apologized to both my husband and I separately. She had gone to a christian retreat and learned a lot about herself and how her past affects how she treats people now. We both accepted and forgave her with open arms. Things seemed to be doing great after that. We invited them to a couple of things and they denied so we decided to give them some space and let them initiate. They haven't done so once.

I don't want to talk badly about my brother and SIL, so I won't. I will say that I have seen a lot of fake, two-faced, passive-aggressive behavior from them (especially my SIL). I guess I'm wondering how I deal with this. I want to be close to them and I really enjoyed when we were all spending time together. I've tried to jump-start reconciliation but my brother is the one who fights the battles for his wife. She's afraid of confrontation but doesn't fear drama. She's very aggressive when confronted and I've heard her referred to as a pitbull and it fits her well. She's very stubborn. My brother is very passive. I'll talk to him and it seems like we've had a good conversation and he's agreed to call and talk to my husband (they had a brother-like relationship before this), but then we get nothing in return. He won't call and nothing will have changed. My brother says that this rumor has changed the way they feel about my husband and they're not sure they can trust him. He keeps saying he was incredibly hurt by what was said by the mutual friend who started the rumor. If only they knew what she said to me. It seems like they're only concerned with how they felt about the situation and they don't care about me. They haven't once asked how I'm holding up or how our relationship is now.

I don't know how to handle this situation. My husband is fine with just letting it go but he's not related by blood to them. He doesn't have the same history. I always wanted a big brother and a few years ago until I recently had that. I look at their photos on facebook and I feel a huge pang of jealousy and resentment. There's so much more but I don't want to make this into a novel. Any advice?


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

has your SIL elaborated on her accusation ? do you or have you had any reason to doubt your husbands fidelity ? have you told your husband the entire story of what is going on ?

it seems as though you have tried many times to open the lines of communication . you have also made an effort to maintain the relationship . your brother and SIL on the other hand have not . 

to be honest i do not understand what your relationship with your husband has to do with either of them . your SIL brought rumors of infidelity to you not vice versa . and they were just that RUMORS . 

it seems to me like they are judging your husband , and your relationship with him when it is none of their business . 

i suggest telling your brother and your SIL about the rumors of his infidelity and then see if they try as hard as you have to repair your friendship .


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

stoney1215 said:


> has your SIL elaborated on her accusation ? do you or have you had any reason to doubt your husbands fidelity ? have you told your husband the entire story of what is going on ?
> 
> it seems as though you have tried many times to open the lines of communication . you have also made an effort to maintain the relationship . your brother and SIL on the other hand have not .
> 
> ...


They didn't start the rumor but they didn't approach us in the right way about it either. It seems to me that my SIL has always had her doubts about my husband's trustworthiness and when she heard the rumor, all her thoughts were affirmed. We've discussed it, she's apologized, but we've never seen any evidence of change. I've never been one to just let things go. I haven't told them that I need to see evidence of change. My brother will tell my husband that he wants to hang out but then won't solidify plans with him. 

My brother is a doormat to his wife and I don't know how to approach my SIL without her becoming aggressive or turning things around on me. We usually have to go through my brother because she hates confrontation. The problem is that we can't go through him because the message gets watered down. Has anyone dealt with this sort of thing in their own family? My dad thinks that all us kids are perfect beings. He thinks we should all just get along and settle our problems. Sorry if a lot of that was rambling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Seesah, your post started with info on the molestation which almost seems out of context with the rest. You fast forward and there is a big gap. Did you ever confront your brother with the "reprocussions" your words? Is that why the relationship is so important to you?

From your description, the SIL is toxic. I don't see her changing and that is your brother's issue, not yours. Probably not what you want to hear, but I'd just back away.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

rj700 said:


> Seesah, your post started with info on the molestation which almost seems out of context with the rest. You fast forward and there is a big gap. Did you ever confront your brother with the "reprocussions" your words? Is that why the relationship is so important to you?
> 
> From your description, the SIL is toxic. I don't see her changing and that is your brother's issue, not yours. Probably not what you want to hear, but I'd just back away.


I added the information about the molestation to explain why we didn't have a relationship growing up. After the molestation, he wasn't in my life until after he was married and their second daughter was born.

I haven't confronted my brother about the molestation. We were both young, he was being raised by a very lenient father (my dad) and an alcoholic/drug abusing/neglectful mother. The only discipline he got was from my mom. I chalk it up to his upbringing. I've forgiven him for the molestation, he has proven that he is a different person than he was.

Thank you for your input. I have chosen to forgive everything that has happened and to just let it go. I will not accept them back into my life, though, because I don't trust them not to hurt me. You are right, she is toxic and I hope that someday she gets a proverbial slap in the face and realizes that the way she treats people is only a reflection of who she is as a person.


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