# Husband with porn DVDs - more developments



## lisalovestom (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share with the group because I am completely overwhelmed with the amazing changes that have been happening here in my house. My husband has been opening up more and more to be this weekend. We had a huge talk and I think I am understanding even more why he had the porn DVDs. It’s a lot more than just a guy being a guy type thing. It is because of issues in our marriage that he didn’t feel like he could talk to me about. The porn was a way to hurt me and give himself some freedom….not mind reading, he said all this stuff. Now that I’ve found out about the porn he feels like it is time to face the other issues and work through everything. I’m so happy about this!

A little background ….. My husband and I have only been intimate with each other. We were both virgins on our wedding night. But, I have always been a very flirty type girl, even back when we were dating 23 years ago. Throughout our marriage it has progressively gotten worse. I love to flirt & check guys out. Whenever I would do anything like that my husband would just play along and act like it didn’t bother him any. Again, it got progressively worse. I was constantly flirting, checking out guys, making jokes about being with other guys, and eventually in our lovemaking we would “play” with fantasies about me being with other people. We never actually acted anything like that out but I think it could’ve lead to that pretty easily. All of this has started really getting intense about 4 or 5 years ago. I was terrible. I’d even flirt shamelessly with his brother whenever we were together. His brother is a terrible dog and would completely go along with it. I’m sure if I had been willing we could’ve been together but we never were. His brother did insinuate as much to him once and that really upset my husband. He asked me about it at the time and I said that of course we hadn’t done anything, but I think he has always had doubts in his mind. We would porn lots too. It would always be for me. We’d talk about me having those things done to me or about me being with the people in the movies. Anyhow, all of this stuff has been going on but he’s been acting like its fine. He would go along with it and say stuff about me with other guys. During sex he would be very turned on whenever we would talk about stuff like that and would go so far as pretending he was a black guy or whatever. We’re white and a big part of my flirting and fantasizing has been about black guys. Throughout all of this I never really felt bad or guilty. I loved that he was allowing me to be so free. I would even joke about how I could literally do anything I wanted to. I really didn’t think it was bothering him at all.

Well, I was terribly wrong!!!! It was killing him inside. He hated it. He hated the flirting, hated me checking out other guys, hated that I thought about being with other people, really hated that I flirted with his brother so much and seriously thought we must’ve been together atleast once. He said he was terrified that I was going to cheat if I hadn’t all ready. He said that he went along with all of it because he was completely worried that I would leave him if he didn’t. he said that he loved me so much and would literally do anything to keep me even if it meant allow me to be with other men. He also said that he would stay up at night crying because he felt like he wasn’t good enough for me and that I didn’t love him at all. He was crying so hard while he was telling me all of this. He could hardly talk at times and was having a hard time looking at me. I felt so awful for him and guilty about my behavior. 

He said that he bought the porn DVDs as a way of hurting me. He also said that it was a way to be sexual without having to have the pain of all the stuff I was doing. He felt awful every time he watched them but would sorta feel happy because he knew how much it would hurt me if I knew and I’d been hurting him for all these years. 

He said that he was so glad that I knew about it now and that it had made him want to tell me everything. He doesn’t want any porn at all anymore. He doesn’t want anymore pretending or any of that stuff. He really wants me to stop with the flirting and checking out guys. He said that he just really wants it to be only the two of us. I said that I was completely fine with that. I kept saying how sorry I was and that I should’ve thought about his feelings. He said he wished he would’ve just opened up so much sooner but it was too hard for him. I said that I would turn all that crap off completely. I said that deep down I only wanted him and I was sorry I had made him feel any differently. I also said that I loved him more than anything in the world and that I wanted so badly to show him.

So, that is where we are at right now. I am still sad about what he did and the secrets but knowing how he was feeling changes everything. I’m feeling incredibly guilty. I was terrible. If he had done even a fraction of the things I’ve done I would’ve been devastated. I was a fool to believe that he was fine with all of it. What husband would be? I was just kidding myself because I was having fun doing exactly what I wanted. 

Honestly, I am so happy that I actually found out about his DVDs and that he opened up about how he was feeling. I feel like this is a wonderful opportunity for us to grow so close together. We’ve been making love throughout this whole thing (lots actually) and I can’t believe how amazing it has been. I never thought I would’ve wanted to so much but it’s so different. He’s been trying so hard to ease my mind and help me forgive him. Then he opened up about all of the things he was feeling and it puts everything into a different light. I feel like I finally have all of my husband sexually and he finally has all of me. That is a wonderfully amazing feeling!

Bye,
Lisa


----------



## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Good for you, sounds like you're happy :smthumbup:

I think I noticed in the previous thread (or maybe even this one), you said that at one point your husband said porn was disgusting, had no place in a marriage but then you find him viewing it by himself.

Very similar to a situation I was in with my husband. He said the same things but then I find he's doing the same thing behind my back, tried to blame me for it when he was busted, lied his booty off about it, yada yada yada.
I had to change my frame of thinking and speak to him from a very open place. Yes, my feelings were hurt but I'd like to know why you wanted to do this, why did you do it so much, why not be open with me, and all the questions that go with it and it finally poured out of him. All the answers previous to me being open about it, were just answers that he thought would suit me and were not the truth.

Our husbands are not children but sometimes we treat them as such and they are afraid of getting in trouble by "mommy" and will hide things and lie, like children. Yes, our feelings get hurt but we cannot close lines of communication because of it.
We also cannot "make" anyone do anything. If they want to watch it, they will. Everything in life is a compromise, and if porn is not an issue that you are willing to compromise on, then you have to leave rather than stay and attempt to change them.

I hope everything goes okay for you and keep those lines of communication open and flowing! :smthumbup:


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You sure did treat your husband like [email protected] I feel very very sorry for him. I guess you did like a lot of guys do. What an awful thing to do to someone you love.

I'm glad you have learned from it.

Perhaps he could learn a bit from reading from the manning up section of this forum. Because he seems very down trodden.


----------



## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

> He’s been trying so hard to ease my mind and help me forgive him.


wow...

At what point are you going to ease his mind and help him forgive you?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i cant believe he had to tell you that the flirting you knowingly took part in was hurting him. if he flirted with women like you did with men, like maybe with your sister, would you have been ok with it?


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Interesting. Why didn't he just say to you something along the lines of"can you quit it with the flirting? its hurtful, degrading and just wrong" instead of doing the whole dvd thing?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lisa, congrats on getting some of the stuff from out of the shadows, into the light where it can be dealt with. Most marriage issues are joint between the spouses... One spouse does something "wrong", and the other one compounds it by not dealing with it appropriately. It's not until both people can get it out in the open than a healing can even start.

C


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - while I don't agree with the porn in my home (only because it was replacing me in the marriage), I don't understand the forgive part.

I don't feel that my husband "betrayed" me by looking at porn - that he replaced me by looking at porn.

A different slant for me.

Do you really feel betrayed?

I won't invalidate your betrayal if this is what you feel - I just find it extremely harsh for this particular situation (for me anyway).


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm glad you are in a happy place but boy do I get sick of people being passive aggressive. Why won't people just come out and say what's bothering them instead of feeling the need to hurt back like that is ever going to help solve the problem. I mean I treated my dh like crap too and he never said a word he just retreated and avoided me. Even now he's not likely to speak up I kinda have to figure it out on my own and I hate that. We did have a nice conversation the other night when I said I'm not as fragile as he thinks I am would rather have the truth than a lie. He looked horrified and stunned. Yes sweetie I'd rather you tell me when somethings bothering you instead of pretending everything is fine when it clearly isn't.


----------

