# Estranged SIL - Children's Xmas Gift Trickery



## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

About a year ago my wife had a mental breakdown, got good care, and has been stable since. Everyone pitched in to help but it was still a horrendous year - with all the unexpected medical, mental and child care costs we had to sell the house. I also sold all my stuff for my hobbies, my fun car that was owned for many years, etc. We now rent an apartment. 

While everyone was super supportive, there was a glaring exception - my wife's sister and husband came out really nasty with a campaign against me, accusing me of being an abusive husband. 

As part of my wife's weekly therapy sessions, she and her therapist wrote a letter to the sister that set a no-contact parameter up if she would not respect me, her husband. The sister wrote back insisting that she was being manipulated, abused, she would never respect me, and she was going to be extra sure to attend all family functions. (This later piece just illustrates her personality type that she relishes conflict - quite the opposite of my wife). 

The rest of my wife's family is frustratingly neutral on this, and apparently my father-in-law just accepted a large deliver of Christmas packages for my 3 year-old at his house from the sister, to await instructions. 

Now, it's so obvious to me that these should be refused that I just know I'm being set up. Keep in mind she had seen my son only about ten times so she hasn't really bonded with him. 

I think she wants a real, present day "bad guy" example - and what sounds worse than a guy taking away toys from a 3 year old?

My wife's therapist thinks it is ok to take the gifts. 

My wife's wants to accept the gifts but her gut tells her to reject them. I think if she rejects them it will definitely be spun into "he forced her to say she rejects them"

I don't have a gaming mindset, so please help me out! I need to keep the clear boundaries but don't want to fall into what might be a trap. Also, his birthday is coming up in February... 

Thanks in advance!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Accept the gifts. Have your son draw a picture as a thank you note. Your son and his aunt have no bad blood between them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah. Not accepting them is an act YOU want to do to punish the woman or keep her out of YOUR life. Be the bigger person. Let her see that you ARE a good guy.

In the end, if she wants to blow hundreds or thousands of dollars trying to bribe your kids...so what? You guys are in financial disarray anyway, let the kids have some blessing out of all of it. Doesn't mean you have to let the woman visit. Now, if she tries to visit and THEN says you're abusive etc., THEN you can address this in therapy and with the family in general, because the issue of them not supporting you is separate from them giving your kids presents.

And besides, who says you have to give the kids all the stuff she gave them? Put some away to give them later, or hell, put YOUR name on them and give them to the kids as from you. Just kidding. Maybe. Not really.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

Wow, thank you. This is such a weird thing to me. I can't imagine lambasting the heck out of someone and then gifting their kid like it is business as usual!

I'm glad I understand the world as a strange enough place that I come here for help understanding it 

I was definitely going to fall for the bait on this one...


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I agree accept the gifts. If you refuse them then she will use it to say YOU are so controlling you won't even let her give a gift to her nephew. Accepting them won't give her anything to talk about. You have to play the game with her, when she sets you up to be the bad guy simply do the opposite of what she expects so it shuts her down. Of course, this does not mean you have to be around her. If your wife does not want contact then remain no contact. But let your wife be the one to let this be known, if asked your response should be "ask her, I'm just supporting her in her life decisions and don't make them for her."


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

take the gifts, send her noting thanking her for the gifts and that you accept her apology, and send a framed handprint from your child as a thank you gift from child. Not too big, just something that will hang nicely on the wall somewhere in her house. Make sure you send cards - preferably hand made ones (signed by the whole family) for their families birthdays and xmas - pop in a brief handwritten letter explaining that you feel that in your household time spent doing hand made is often best and not over-commercialised and that you really appreciate their efforts but are bit self-conscious that you can't reciprocate in the same manner. You could also say you felt a little rude accepting them but felt it would be more rude refusing and would she please show a little more restraint in the future since modern children can get so spoilt with all the consumer stuff out there.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> take the gifts, send her noting thanking her for the gifts and that you accept her apology, and send a framed handprint from your child as a thank you gift from child. Not too big, just something that will hang nicely on the wall somewhere in her house. Make sure you send cards - preferably hand made ones (signed by the whole family) for their families birthdays and xmas - pop in a brief handwritten letter explaining that you feel that in your household time spent doing hand made is often best and not over-commercialised and that you really appreciate their efforts but are bit self-conscious that you can't reciprocate in the same manner. You could also say you felt a little rude accepting them but felt it would be more rude refusing and would she please show a little more restraint in the future since modern children can get so spoilt with all the consumer stuff out there.



Funny. I was thinking of sending over a thank you featuring several photos of my son and I smiling while playing with the gifts.


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## QuietNarrative (Dec 13, 2015)

Take the gifts. The estrangement is between you and the SIL, not your SIL and the kids.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think it is a good idea to do anything passive-aggressive, or dishonest. Children come to respect parents who are always as honest as possible with them, especially when we admit our faults to them.

Why not listen to your therapist?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Accept the gifts. Don't go overboard with the thank you card. Keep it simple. A homemade card with a hand print or some cut-outs is good enough. Don't send pictures of the child playing with the gifts unless that is something you already do with others who give gifts. Don't write a letter to go with the card, saying all the things you write above. Just say "Thank you for your thoughtfulness."

She will probably send gifts less and less over time, so don't worry about her intruding too much with gifts. If she comes to visit, then you can deal with those logistics when it happens.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I was just kidding about the card. We probably won't send her anything at all. 

I won't get into the details of her accusations, but it's pretty far out there stuff and that's why we cut her off. I have no doubt these gifts are a tactic, not out of love for a child she barely knows. She has a history of bad behavior with other people, going back way before I met her.


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