# Put to the test



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

The other night I ended up Facebook messaging back and forth with my ex-girlfriend - my first real, true love. I mean I really loved her (this was back around 96-97). I was on the road with a band and she broke it off because of the distance, whatever. I was gutted. We've been casually reconnecting on FB for a couple years now, and the other day she commented on a photo I posted, saying I looked really good. The other night she messages me her phone number and tells me to text her. I did.

Things got pretty hot, she told me I was her first love too, and that talking to me made her smile and feel all warm and fuzzy and yadda yadda. We start talking about meeting up, then she finally pipes up "Oh man, you know I have a boyfriend, right??". I replied "no, I certainly didn't, and sorry, I won't be _that_ guy". She continued to push and said she still loves me, and "but what if I'm not happy?". I said "then you break up with him". She said "it's not that simple".

So, I ended it there. Cut off communication. She kept texting "I hope I didn't upset you, I will always love you....etc etc". I didn't respond until the next day, and just coolly said "No, I'm not upset, have a great day" and left it at that.

Quite the test. She was ready and willing to hook up. I was very disappointed, but there's no way I would do that. What did upset me, was realizing this is probably _exactly_ what my stbxw said to her AP. "But I'm not happy". And then we know what went down (her  ). Quite the trigger, let me tell you. It also greatly changed my feelings for this woman - attraction went to zero. Not impressed by that at all. Disheartening, really.

Anyway, it was heavy. I'm glad I went the way I did.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You handled it well.

And remember, even if she breaks it off with this dude, how can you trust her not to do the same to you down the road?

What kind of band were you in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I respect decency, integrity and someone who actually thinks.

Good on you, mate!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, you handled it well. That last think you need in your life is a cheating woman.


----------



## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

Healer said:


> The other night I ended up Facebook messaging back and forth with my ex-girlfriend - my first real, true love. I mean I really loved her (this was back around 96-97). I was on the road with a band and she broke it off because of the distance, whatever. I was gutted. We've been casually reconnecting on FB for a couple years now, and the other day she commented on a photo I posted, saying I looked really good. The other night she messages me her phone number and tells me to text her. I did.
> 
> Things got pretty hot, she told me I was her first love too, and that talking to me made her smile and feel all warm and fuzzy and yadda yadda. We start talking about meeting up, then she finally pipes up "Oh man, you know I have a boyfriend, right??". I replied "no, I certainly didn't, and sorry, I won't be _that_ guy". She continued to push and said she still loves me, and "but what if I'm not happy?". I said "then you break up with him". She said "it's not that simple".
> 
> ...



"I'm not Happy" is a typical line. It's so vague and sets up a victim stance. She also used the "it's complicated". It's so cliche.

Translation is... she may or may not be happy....but she's also someone who has no problem being a liar and deceiver. 

good job!


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

It is disheartening. There is so much scum out there, even ones we used to know, back in the day...I actually was thinking about that the other day...Uncanny you posted this. There are no principles, values (respect). It seems to be all free for all...I can't beat them but I certainly WON'T join them.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Good job. Now you can lift your chin, square your shoulders and look yourself in the mirror and respect what you see. Congratulations.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You handled it well.
> 
> And remember, even if she breaks it off with this dude, how can you trust her not to do the same to you down the road?
> 
> ...


Exactly. That's immediately what I thought. Even if she broke up with him tonight - I know she's willing to cheat. No thanks.

All sorts of bands! Rock/country/Top 40 at the time. Then straight Blues. Then metal. Now, I'd call it "Sawblade Folkabilly". 

I'm a musical **** and totally unfaithful to any one genre. But there are no victims with that.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree, you handled it well. That last think you need in your life is a cheating woman.


No kidding!


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Served Cold said:


> "I'm not Happy" is a typical line. It's so vague and sets up a victim stance. She also used the "it's complicated". It's so cliche.
> 
> Translation is... she may or may not be happy....but she's also someone who has no problem being a liar and deceiver.
> 
> good job!


It was word for word from the script. That's why it was so...disheartening. Really?? You're spewing _that_?? What a cliche. It's rampant.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If she is willing to cheat on him... then she likely wont mind cheating on you either. Sounds like you are better off without her.


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

You definitely did the right thing. Personally, I'd take it one step further and make sure her BF gets a picture / screenshot / copy of the texts.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

dignityhonorpride said:


> You definitely did the right thing. Personally, I'd take it one step further and make sure her BF gets a picture or copy of the texts.


I understand the compulsion to do so. I don't think I will. I have too much drama in my life as it is. But I will never, ever be involved with her. I'm actually pretty sure she cheated on me back then too. I mean we were young and just boyfriend/girlfriend, but thinking about it now, I'm betting that was the case.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

The world needs healthy and integrated people. People with strong boundaries that put dignity, honour and empathy for others at the forefront of desire, lust and inappropriate behaviour.

Good on you Healer for resisting that temptation and being one of those people that the world needs so much.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Congrats on not being that guy, sir. I will drink many beers in your honor this upcoming holiday weekend... even if I'd already planned to do exactly that.

:smthumbup:


----------



## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

She disrespected you, presuming you'd be happy to be the side-piece to her current relationship, presuming you'd lap up whatever scraps of her affection she threw your way, presuming you'd take her back at all after what she did to you.

Hey what do you know. I'm not attracted to her, either.

:smthumbup:


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Anyway to let the BF know that he is dating a potential cheater ?


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Healer said:


> The other night I ended up Facebook messaging back and forth with my ex-girlfriend - my first real, true love. I mean I really loved her (this was back around 96-97). I was on the road with a band and she broke it off because of the distance, whatever. I was gutted. We've been casually reconnecting on FB for a couple years now, and the other day she commented on a photo I posted, saying I looked really good. The other night she messages me her phone number and tells me to text her. I did.
> 
> Things got pretty hot, she told me I was her first love too, and that talking to me made her smile and feel all warm and fuzzy and yadda yadda. We start talking about meeting up, then she finally pipes up "Oh man, you know I have a boyfriend, right??". I replied "no, I certainly didn't, and sorry, I won't be _that_ guy". She continued to push and said she still loves me, and "but what if I'm not happy?". I said "then you break up with him". She said "it's not that simple".
> 
> ...


But it is so typical, of this type of situation to escalate to dizzying heights of Xs becomming APs to one another due to the familiar and mutual feelings being rekindled and those specs aint just rose tinted, they hold more reseamblance to Stevie Wonders shades when blotting out the bad bits and making it ever so inviting to venture into a meeting that then spirals into hard core porno sex very rapidly as those warm fuzzy feelings combined with a sense of forbidden fruits on both sides gets them both into the compromise.

I for sure know that had my STBX been in the same town as her first EA AP then they were going to be getting it on for sure, it was that heavy!!!

Rules for FB engagement, NO Xs!!! EVER!!!!!


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

barbados said:


> Anyway to let the BF know that he is dating a potential cheater ?


I could, but I don't think I'll do that. Cutting off contact is good enough for me. I have too much of my own drama in life. My grandmother passed away last month - and days before she did, my father tried to kill my grandfather with a hunting knife, then took some of my grandma's morphine and ended up unconscious. He was arrested and is under suicide watch and has evaluations to see if he's fit to stand trial. Quite the nightmare.

I just don't think I can handle anymore turmoil right now. I wish her BF luck though, he'll need it.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> But it is so typical, of this type of situation...


I didn't want it to be typical for me. It actually was a no brainer. The second she said "boyfriend" I was done. Not even a second thought.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Healer said:


> I could, but I don't think I'll do that. Cutting off contact is good enough for me. I have too much of my own drama in life. My grandmother passed away last month - and days before she did, my father tried to kill my grandfather with a hunting knife, then took some of my grandma's morphine and ended up unconscious. He was arrested and is under suicide watch and has evaluations to see if he's fit to stand trial. Quite the nightmare.
> 
> I just don't think I can handle anymore turmoil right now. I wish her BF luck though, he'll need it.


Dude. Damn.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I really don't understand the whole nostalgia thing about contacting old flames. If I didn't choose them , back then, why would I do so now? I agree that you did the right thing, healer, but am just curious about this phenomena. We see it a lot here on TAM, and it is sometimes used as an excuse for cheating in a marriage, as well.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Defining key of good character is doing the right thing when the chips are down. You were tested and held to your beliefs. Much respect


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude. Damn.


Messed, huh?


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> I really don't understand the whole nostalgia thing about contacting old flames. If I didn't choose them , back then, why would I do so now? I agree that you did the right thing, healer, but am just curious about this phenomena. We see it a lot here on TAM, and it is sometimes used as an excuse for cheating in a marriage, as well.


I get it, I think it's human nature. I'm single now, there's curiosity, familiarity, the connection. I assumed by her conduct she was single though. I was wrong, so, end of story.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It is stuff like this thread, among others, why I'll never understand why some posters "poo poo" ex's talking to their spouses. I'm not talking an old high school neighbor or friend, but people you dated.


----------



## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Philly, I just think the problem is not the ex's, but the spouse. No one can realistically remove all potential "threats" from their spouse's path, so it's a pointless exercise anyway. 

Take a random sampling from TAM and find out who their spouse cheated on them with. Oh, the ex-boyfriend? Better keep my spouse far away from ex's. Or the personal trainer? No personal trainers for my spouse! Or maybe all these people who cheated with co-workers? That's it, my spouse is working from home from now on! Someone he/she met online? Cancel your internet connection, can't risk that!...Etc. Where does that end?

When all along, the problem isn't _the temptations_ at all. Temptations to cheat abound anyway, and your spouse will be confronted with them daily, no matter what you do. Whether or not he/she succeeds depends WAY more on the character inside them, than the attractive people they interact with.

My first husband couldn't be trusted to _go out to the mailbox _without cheating. But there was also no point in trying to keep him from cheating because, as I've said elsewhere, I could encase him in a bubble, and he'd still be winking at the nurses who came to change the oxygen. 

My current husband is the polar opposite. He is the most loyal, faithful person I know. We both have all kinds of opportunities to cheat - opposite sex friendships, attractive co-workers, online activities etc - but we're 100% trustworthy, all the time, with not even a hint of inappropriateness with other people. Not going to happen. And that's because of who we are.

Look at who Healer is. Do you think if he was married, he could safely talk to an ex without being drawn into an affair? Of course he could! Cute girls could literally throw their underwear at him all day long and he's not going to stray from his primary relationship. It's not in him to do so.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Rookie4 said:


> I really don't understand the whole nostalgia thing about contacting old flames. If I didn't choose them , back then, why would I do so now? I agree that you did the right thing, healer, but am just curious about this phenomena. We see it a lot here on TAM, and it is sometimes used as an excuse for cheating in a marriage, as well.


I get it. It's curiosity about the road not taken. The "What if...?" factor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Faeleaf said:


> Look at who Healer is. Do you think if he was married, he could safely talk to an ex without being drawn into an affair? Of course he could! Cute girls could literally throw their underwear at him all day long and he's not going to stray from his primary relationship. It's not in him to do so.


Thanks for this. I proved it to be true by being 100% faithful for my 12 year marriage. It's just not in some people's nature, no matter how many people say "it can happen to anyone". It doesn't _happen_ to you, you choose it. Or choose not to.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Wishing you and your family the best Healer. Sorry for all the awful drama going on.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're a good man Healer. You have integrity and good character.

So sorry for your family's circumstances, blessings to you.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Healer, you are a good guy.

I'm starting to wonder if some of these cheaters are just so terrified of not have someone in their life, that they would lie and cheat to line up the next mark rather than live on their own.


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Healer, you are a good guy.
> *
> I'm starting to wonder if some of these cheaters are just so terrified of not have someone in their life, that they would lie and cheat to line up the next mark rather than live on their own.*


Yes, I agree. I think that's got a lot to do with it Pluto. Immense, and most probably well suppressed, terror, or fear of being alone. 

Something negative in the current relationship? Unable to confront their partner about whatever it is that's wrong? No courage or integrity to end it? 

Far easier to just slink off and passive-aggressively go put the feelers out for another, while cake eating with the current partner, who invariably is, but not always, completely unaware of any issues.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Faeleaf said:


> Philly, I just think the problem is not the ex's, but the spouse. No one can realistically remove all potential "threats" from their spouse's path, so it's a pointless exercise anyway.
> 
> Take a random sampling from TAM and find out who their spouse cheated on them with. Oh, the ex-boyfriend? Better keep my spouse far away from ex's. Or the personal trainer? No personal trainers for my spouse! Or maybe all these people who cheated with co-workers? That's it, my spouse is working from home from now on! Someone he/she met online? Cancel your internet connection, can't risk that!...Etc. Where does that end?
> 
> ...


Great post, but you inference is weird. I said people you dated, not the other people you mentioned to make your point. So, while I understand your point, we will disagree when it comes to exs. Can anyone cheat? Sure. I'm happy you guys are super duper faithful, but that's one of my boundaries. Old exs, unless children are involved, are a no no for me.

Healer, I see some of you took that as an insult to you. It was not, as I think you acted perfectly. I'm talking about the emotional connection and why ex contact can be dangerous. I do no understand why people in relationships "poo poo" ex contact, when strong feelings, like yours did, can arise. Of course you can't control who they talk to and that is a completely weird leap to make.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Healer said:


> The other night I ended up Facebook messaging back and forth with my ex-girlfriend - my first real, true love. I mean I really loved her (this was back around 96-97). I was on the road with a band and she broke it off because of the distance, whatever. I was gutted. We've been casually reconnecting on FB for a couple years now, and the other day she commented on a photo I posted, saying I looked really good. The other night she messages me her phone number and tells me to text her. I did.
> 
> Things got pretty hot, she told me I was her first love too, and that talking to me made her smile and feel all warm and fuzzy and yadda yadda. We start talking about meeting up, then she finally pipes up "Oh man, you know I have a boyfriend, right??". I replied "no, I certainly didn't, and sorry, I won't be _that_ guy". She continued to push and said she still loves me, and "but what if I'm not happy?". I said "then you break up with him". She said "it's not that simple".
> 
> ...


you are a good man


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Probably a good call to step out of that drama. 

Shyte test passed.


----------

