# Should a sexual connection be a deal breaker?



## BrokenFrag

I have posted parts of my story over and over again trying to approach it from different perspectives so that I might understand it. To summarize, I married my best friend right out of college, we have been married for almost 8 years. We love each other, we are each other's best friend, we share lots of little connections and laugh alot. She recently started pulling away, then had an emotional affair with a coworker for several months. After much discussion, it has come down to sexual connections and attraction. She no longer finds me sexually attractive (and can't make that connection any more), and even thinks that she may never haver really found me attractive. She was my first love and lover and I have never had a lot of confidence in the bedroom, she was never able to put in the effort to help me and as a result I got more and more insecure until finally we stopped having sex. She is now contemplating divorce so that she can find someone she is more sexually attracted to. 

First, how important is sexual attraction in a LONG TERM relationship? Most relationships won't get off the ground without at least something there (and we definitely had it at the beginning), but it inevitably fades and becomes something else more comfortable if we are lucky. 

Second, if you have been married as long as we have and everything else matches up well, should it be a deal breaker? 

I can completely understand her feelings and why she feels the way she feels. What I can't understand is why she wants to throw away not only a good marriage, but also a great friendship just so she can have better sex. Sex fades, bodies decay, and all you are left with is the underlying relationship.

I believe that she once found me attractive, and that she can again. My problem is that we are in a circular dance around the issue. I can't become sexually confident without her help, but she won't help me until she finds me attractive again. And even if we regained what we had (which she is doubtful of), she doesn't even know if that would be enough. She is fixated on what we don't have and has completely forgotten or ignored what we do have.

Any one have opinions or advice? Thanks.


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## Liza

Normally it's the man who wants to leave because he is not getting his sexual drive satisfied. However, you may need to see a counsellor to help with your sexual problems. She needs to be willing to work it through tooo, hopefully she will come to her senses before it's too late.

You are right, sex is not all, especially when you have a great friend in your spouse, that normally makes a world of difference. All the best with your struggles though.


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## draconis

It always takes two people working on a relationship to make it work and although sex isn't the catch all of a relationship it is more then physical pleasure, it is also a mental, emotional and chemical (your brain releases chemicals that bond you during orgasm) connection. For many people they want the whole package, sex included and divorce is way to easy now a days.

Is there a reason she might find you less attractive like you put on 50 pounds?

One thing I often suggest is going to the gym. It helps release chemicals that satisfy sexual tension, makes you look better and helps you to be more confident with yourself.

draconis


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## BrokenFrag

Draconis, both of us have put on weight over the years. And while it may have caused some of the problems, I don't think it is at the root cause.

When it comes down to it, she wants to be able to look into my eyes during sex and feel a connection. I do too, and I know we haven't had that for a long time. The biggest problem is that we didn't know it was a problem because we were such good friends and it hid how bad the marriage was getting. Now, she thinks their is no recourse. It would be more work to make the marriage successful than it would be to divorce and try again with someone else. She knows what we have, and she knows that their might not be anything out there for her, but she just can't muster up the strength of character to try for us.

I have hit the gym for the last week and a half now, and I feel better, and already am starting to look better. The problem is that it will take time to get fit again like I was in college. I don't know if I have that time with my wife. She feels no need to fix herself, no need to fix our marriage, even though she will be very sad that it broke. I don't understand why she is willing to accept all that.


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## Sempron

I feel there must always be a physical attraction between partners. Emotional attraction only helps the relationship but it has to have physical attraction as well.


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## maverick77

Hi there,

I am a new member here. I accidentally came across this thread and i thought Id drop some lines as I am in a similar but reverse situation. Myself being a married male.

Firstly, regarding the case above - well, its easy. Shes found someone who makes her happy (in bed). I dont know if sex is a deal breaker I guess its a personal thing. 

Mate take my advice - watch some porn videos, learn new things, make sex FUN, do dirty things togehter, talk dirty things, talk about 3 somes, her best friend etc etc Its a sport - remove all heaviness from bedroom. If you arent laughing,teasing, smiling while having sex there is something already wrong. I can tell you these things because I am in your wifes position.

I hope this helps. Its a perspective - there is no right and wrong.

Best
Mav


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## CandieGirl

I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here, and say that she's probably only decided she isn't sexually attracted or connected to you anymore BECAUSE she had the EA. That butterfly feeling is as addictive as any chemical substance...Of course that feeling is bound to fade after so many years together. Running out on the marriage isn't going to solve that; she'll just jump from man to man to man for the rest of her life, chasing a feeling.


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## tacoma

There must be a sexual attraction from both sides or the marriage isn't going to be satisfying for me.

It's a deal breaker for me, in fact if I were in your shoes being the one whose spouse doesn't find sexually attractive I'd be the one leaning towards divorce and wanting to be free to find someone who is attracted to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

CandieGirl said:


> I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here, and say that she's probably only decided she isn't sexually attracted or connected to you anymore BECAUSE she had the EA. That butterfly feeling is as addictive as any chemical substance...Of course that feeling is bound to fade after so many years together. Running out on the marriage isn't going to solve that; she'll just jump from man to man to man for the rest of her life, chasing a feeling.


Excellent observation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl

maverick77 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I am a new member here. I accidentally came across this thread and i thought Id drop some lines as I am in a similar but reverse situation. Myself being a married male.
> 
> Firstly, regarding the case above - well, its easy. Shes found someone who makes her happy (in bed). I dont know if sex is a deal breaker I guess its a personal thing.
> 
> Mate take my advice - watch some porn videos, learn new things, make sex FUN, do dirty things togehter, talk dirty things, *talk about 3 somes, her best friend etc etc *Its a sport - remove all heaviness from bedroom. If you arent laughing,teasing, smiling while having sex there is something already wrong. I can tell you these things because I am in your wifes position.
> 
> I hope this helps. Its a perspective - there is no right and wrong.
> 
> Best
> Mav


Oh, and don't do any of this...


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## Amplexor

Resurrected thread from 2008


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## PBear

Thank you all for resurrecting a 4 year old thread...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl

tacoma said:


> Excellent observation
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why thank you.


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## CandieGirl

PBear said:


> Thank you all for resurrecting a 4 year old thread...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anytime...

(like we've got anything better to do at the moment, anyway...if we did, we wouldn't be here!)

:smthumbup:


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## maverick77

CandieGirl said:


> I'm gonna take a stab in the dark here, and say that she's probably only decided she isn't sexually attracted or connected to you anymore BECAUSE she had the EA. That butterfly feeling is as addictive as any chemical substance...Of course that feeling is bound to fade after so many years together. Running out on the marriage isn't going to solve that; she'll just jump from man to man to man for the rest of her life, chasing a feeling.


well lets hope the poor woman finds the man of her life, as much as we wish good for our friend involved here. Take it easy :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl

maverick77 said:


> well lets hope the poor woman finds the man of her life, as much as we wish good for our friend involved here. Take it easy :smthumbup:


People do not find the love of their live via an affair. Only about 3% of affairs go beyond being an affair. They usually fall apart shortly after the married partner leaves their spouse. 

The woman you are cheering on here is being abusive to her husband just as you are abusing our wife. Thus your point of view.


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## happy as a clam

In the early years of my marriage, I would have agreed with you. On "paper" we had the ideal marriage -- financial security, check. Friendship, check. Similar values, check. Lovely home, check. But as the years went by and we grew further and further apart (mostly due to my husband having an extremely low sex drive) a deep loneliness set in. That "thing" that makes you a couple isn't there, and you become essentially roommates.

I can't speak for everyone here, but for me, living as roommates is a deal breaker. I need that deep intimate soul connection and it just wasn't there with my spouse. Despite of years of on-again off-again counseling, he was unable or unwilling to meet the challenges of intimacy. By intimacy I don't just mean sex, I'm talking about sharing one's innermost thoughts, backrubs and sexual touches, the security of being in your loved ones' arms, you and me = "us", two become one, etc.

I ultimately divorced him after 20 years. I am in a loving, everything-I-ever-wanted relationship going on four years. The sexual attraction is far from fading or slipping into "just being comfortable"; if anything, it is even stronger now because of the deep intimate bond we have nurtured.

Just my 2 cents...


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## Jellybeans

I think it's important.
I would never be able to stay with a man for the long-term who I didn't feel physically attracted to.


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