# Help with leaving



## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

I am really thinking about leaving my wife soon. But have no idea how to do it. I mean all my stuff is here and no place to go. 

Does anybody have any good ideas? How does it happen? 

Thanks


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

First of all you must figure out what your rights are, can you try counscelling as a last effort, are there children involved?
Financially you will have to figure out how to split houses/cars, bank accounts and so forth.....
who will live where........
a lot to think about.....
good luck


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

Thanks jessi... has anybody gone through this before and what did they do? Some examples would be appreciatvie.. Thanks..


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

A lot depends on what you got going on. My husband moved out on the spur of the moment. Not a good plan. Left behind 2 children, all financial responsibility, etc. If you have no kids, no joint bills, just go. Can you not get an appt on your own? If you have kids and joint bills, you need to talk to your wife and plan. Don't leave her high and dry on a whim. If you have none of the above responsibilities and are concerned about approaching your wife after leaving, get law enforcement involved to escort you to remove your belongings. If you have all of the above involved, you gotta go see a divorce attorney, period. What's yours is hers, and what's hers is yours. Don't leave your children and don't leave your joint bills. Take care!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why?


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

Ok some serious problems I believe: 
1) She has a quick temper that i am tired of, throwing things, hitting me, telling me I am a looser and that my mother didn't do anything with her life, all these things are really bothering me now. 
2) NO sex.. I think in the past 4 months we had sex maybe 4 times.... 
3) I have really strong desire now to cheat on her, so instead of cheating on her I think it is appropriate to leave her rather than do things behind her back, I think honesty is important..

Unless she wants to go to counceling.. I think that may be my last straw.... I mean the sex thing is really bothering me and her anger problems.. I am only human and a guy and I already have a strong sex drive in the first place and she has no sex drive what so ever.. She has always been like that.. but we atleast had it... now it's like never... 

I have no kids with her and we do have joint accounts and everything.. but if I move out the only extra cost will be the rent expense... 

Thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

None of those are valid reasons for leaving your wife. You can be the adult in the room and show proper boundaries for her mistreatment of you (leave the room, stay calm, say nothing, etc.), so that, like a kid, she learns it won't work to get a rise out of you, and will stop. You can make sure you are doing nothing that upsets her and make sure you meet all her needs so that she is happy to be with you, so that she will WANT to have SF with you. And you can be an adult and admit that looking for another woman is no solution to the issues you have.


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

If I leave the room while she is in one of her moods she will probably break and throw all my stuff. Is it worth the risk? I can try and leave the room but what if what I said happens what to do then. Say" it is ok hunny" that you trashed my desk, broke my computer, and ripped up important business client information. 

OK what about my issue with have a strong desire to cheat on her... what to do about that? I mean she really disapoints me when she gets upset the way she does and hits me and comes after me with a very large kitchen knife like she is ready to kill me.. These are the things that make me want to cheat on her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NOTHING anyone does warrants you cheating. NOTHING. If you want to divorce her, divorce her. But don't do something lower than even her behavior.

Basically, what I see is a man who won't stand up to a spoiled child, and thus the spoiled child rules the roost. Stop accepting her abusive behavior, act like an adult yourself, and get off your butt and get some concrete steps from a professional on how to deal with her.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

If she is hitting you, get the F out! No one deserves to be treated like that - male or female.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

turnera said:


> None of those are valid reasons for leaving your wife. You can be the adult in the room and show proper boundaries for her mistreatment of you (leave the room, stay calm, say nothing, etc.), so that, like a kid, she learns it won't work to get a rise out of you, and will stop. You can make sure you are doing nothing that upsets her and make sure you meet all her needs so that she is happy to be with you, so that she will WANT to have SF with you. And you can be an adult and admit that looking for another woman is no solution to the issues you have.


Are you saying that abuse is not a valid reason to leave someone?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, I don't believe that a woman hitting a man in anger is tantamount to abuse. Unless she's bigger than him and he can't walk away. He can just leave when she aims at him. In fact, that's what experts say to do - just leave the room when someone acts like a 12 year old.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

turnera said:


> I'm sorry, I don't believe that a woman hitting a man in anger is tantamount to abuse. Unless she's bigger than him and he can't walk away. He can just leave when she aims at him. In fact, that's what experts say to do - just leave the room when someone acts like a 12 year old.


So what would you say if the roles were reversed and she was being hit?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, assuming she's smaller than him and he can physically block her from leaving - and continue to hit her, she should move out.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think it matters who is being abusive in a household, abuse is abuse. If she is hitting you, get out and get an apartment. Talk to her after you are out and tell her she needs to see a counselor and an anger management specialist before you will even think about coming back.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

turnera said:


> Well, assuming she's smaller than him and he can physically block her from leaving - and continue to hit her, she should move out.


Well I really don't think size has anything to do with it. Abuse is abuse and it's wrong. It makes no difference if it's a man or a woman doing the abusing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course it's wrong. But a 5 ft tall woman can't stop a 6 ft tall man from leaving the house, if he wants to. And if that woman is hitting him, his smartest choice is to leave the room so nothing else happens.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

turnera said:


> Of course it's wrong. But a 5 ft tall woman can't stop a 6 ft tall man from leaving the house, if he wants to. And if that woman is hitting him, his smartest choice is to leave the room so nothing else happens.


I will just politely agree to disagree on this...


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

turnera said:


> Of course it's wrong. But a 5 ft tall woman can't stop a 6 ft tall man from leaving the house, if he wants to. And if that woman is hitting him, his smartest choice is to leave the room so nothing else happens.


I wholeheartedly disagree! It's not about the size of the abuser or abusee. Abuse is Abuse...Period!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If a woman doesn't want to get hit, and she tries to get away from the guy, he can pin her down and keep hitting. She HAS no choice.

If a man doesn't want to get hit, he can simply turn around and leave the room, if he's sufficiently larger and stronger than her. What's she going to do...grab his legs and hang on as he walks out the door?

A man can _psychologically_ choose to accept abuse from a woman, just like a woman can, but physically he typically has the option to escape.

I am in no way debating that abuse is not wrong. Merely that a larger human can choose not to stand there while a smaller human beats on him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What is your goal? Are you done with the relationship or are you hoping that moving out gives her a wake up call?

One way or another, you are going to have to confront her. If you didn't care about your 'stuff', you could just disappear for a week or two by staying with family or friends.

But, it is highly unlikely that you and all your belongings can just disappear without her knowledge, or having a discussion.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

turnera said:


> If a woman doesn't want to get hit, and she tries to get away from the guy, he can pin her down and keep hitting. She HAS no choice.
> 
> If a man doesn't want to get hit, he can simply turn around and leave the room, if he's sufficiently larger and stronger than her. What's she going to do...grab his legs and hang on as he walks out the door?
> 
> ...



A knee to the groin will stop any man dead in their tracks... Just sayin...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell that to the millions of women too terrified to try.

Anyway, that's not what abuse is all about. It's incremental. It's a put down, then a rejection, then a refusal to allow something, then a shout, then a push...so that by the time the hit comes, she's too unsure of herself to consider a knee to the groin.

I do feel bad for men who become abused, because I think it must be even more humiliating and confusing for them. They get to that point because they don't want to harm or stand up to a woman...nice qualities, but it gets turned against them.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

2010TAX said:


> If I leave the room while she is in one of her moods she will probably break and throw all my stuff. Is it worth the risk? I can try and leave the room but what if what I said happens what to do then. Say" it is ok hunny" that you trashed my desk, broke my computer, and ripped up important business client information.
> 
> OK what about my issue with have a strong desire to cheat on her... what to do about that? I mean she really disapoints me when she gets upset the way she does and hits me and comes after me with a very large kitchen knife like she is ready to kill me.. These are the things that make me want to cheat on her.


I think you should not try and work this marriage out. I think your desire to cheat on your wife is that it gives you an avenue to hurt her as much as you have been hurt. It also gives you some intimacy that hasn't been there. 

I really think you should leave and get a divorce and find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Best of luck...


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

turnera said:


> Tell that to the millions of women too terrified to try.
> 
> 
> > This thread is about an abused man. Lets just keep it at that...


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## kayla111 (Feb 4, 2010)

I agree with DawnD, it sounds like your wife needs some help with her anger and abuse (both the mental and physical abuse). I am no expert but I have been in the whole physically abusive relationship before, and I know someone who used to work for a crisis line for abuse and the only way someone is really going to stop doing these things is to get some professional help. I would definitely get out of this situation and tell her that she needs to get some sort of help for this before you'll come back (if you want to go back that is). Good luck!


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

2010TAX said:


> ... hitting me ...


Sneak out. Once she hit you, she gave up her right to be informed of anything. Take all your property, take all your money, take all of her money also, rent an apartment and have an attorney contact her.

Violent people have no right to anything. If you sit down and try to "work out" your separation, she might stick a steak knife into your chest, or dial 911 and falsely accuse you of almost anything. As a male, the law will not defend you. Your only recourse is to vanish, leave no forwarding address or contact number, and have her talk to you via your attorney. Once the divorce details are worked out, she can get her half of the money back.

You have no other alternative. She is a deranged dangerous criminal, and you must leave immediately.

Good luck.



> If a woman doesn't want to get hit, and she tries to get away from the guy, he can pin her down and keep hitting. She HAS no choice.
> 
> If a man doesn't want to get hit, he can simply turn around and leave the room, if he's sufficiently larger and stronger than her. What's she going to do...grab his legs and hang on as he walks out the door?
> 
> ...


Turnera, you have no idea what you are talking about.

A woman has *far* more power to be violet with a man than a man has to be violent with a woman. A woman can ambush her husband, smash his head with a frying pan, then calmly dial 911 and have *him* arrested for domestic violence. In all 50 states, the man is the presumed aggressor and will automatically be taken to jail. There are no shelters that will accept male victims, and no programs, money, or services that will cater to a male victim. There is virtually no one who will even acknowledge that there is such a thing as a male victim of domestic violence. But there are.

I was in an physically abusive relationship and the only way I was able to escape was to secretly record my ex attempting to terrify me with all the ways in which she could physically assault me and then turn the legal table and have me charged and imprisoned for that same assault. Armed with this tape, I made my escape. She sued me in civil court for money and possessions, but I did not care because I was _*free*_.

Had she suspected or found my recording equipment, there would have been no escape for me. She was very detailed and precise when she described her plans to destroy my life if I ever left her.

The only thing that prevents a woman from gaming the system is the integrity of that woman. Most women have integrity and would not use the law in the ways that I have described. But many possessive women do use the law, and many abused men end up in prison or in the cemetery as a result of daring to plan an escape.

Your ignorance of this is as common as it is shocking.


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