# I went off the deep end.



## Wantpeace (Sep 5, 2017)

Hi, I am not sure why I am even here. I am at this point what you would call a looser. I am a middle aged guy that has not worked for the past year. I was not always this way. I was successful, worked long hours 12 to 16 hours a days. 

I always was high anxiety however I was functional. 10 years ago I suffered my first panic attack. Last year what little life I did have ended. I became agoraphobic and unable to leave my home.
My wife of 25 years is at the end of her rope threatening to leave. I am no longer a provider. Tell you the truth if she did leave it would probably be a relief.

Anyways I am keeping this short, I am sure people will have questions. Consider this my hello and introduction.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Consider this my hello and the intro to my bore-down deductions.

On your' panic attacks? Have you seen a doctor about these attacks? Are you on meds?

What is the Root Cause of these episodes...professional and your own personal assessment?

Sounds like it might be Schizophrenia. Yes, no, maybe?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am with you in the deep end..I am a good swimmer!


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## Wantpeace (Sep 5, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Consider this my hello and the intro to my bore-down deductions.
> 
> On your' panic attacks? Have you seen a doctor about these attacks? Are you on meds?
> 
> ...


It started out years ago that I got slightly depressed in the winter time. I worked sun up to sun down. I went to the family doc to get something to get through the winter blues. I worked outside at a marina and the spay coming off the water in winter can become harsh when it is below freezing. Anyways I reacted very poorly to the antidepressants they gave me. One caused me to be temporary paralyzed from my stomach down. I was unable to sleep for a few days and my anxiety shot to new levels. At this point I suffered my first panic attack. All drugs tried on me have caused bad severe reactions. The only thing that has helped was a benzo and am still on it today. I am currently seeing several therapists and doctors.

The cause of the episodes is that I have always had a low self-worth and manageable anxiety. My wife is very controlling as she has her own self-worth issues. We offend each other. I feel very alone in a sexless marriage. Any shown weakness will be used against me so I do not open up. Trying to fix the sexless marriage offends my wife and she responds by insulting me. However I decided that I can’t change her a few years ago and I decided to enjoy life as much as I can. On my 3 mile walk that I did every day I collapsed unable to catch my breath. Ever since then going outside or exercising has become almost impossible. I get so many physical symptoms and the amount of adrenalin shuts down any ability to think logically. I think I have so much anger built up that I never let go of and it caught up to me. I have an introvert and beta personality that normally would never consider hurting somebody.

At my worst I was confined to my bed. My senses were hyper sensitive. Hearing became extremely loud and distorted, normal smells would cause me to choke and light was blinding. I had to stay in my room for days with little noise, in the dark and was unable to catch my breath. My diaphragm muscles became sore and stiff from over breathing so much. That or I was just over sensitive to the feeling of breathing. I never experienced anything like this before unless I was giving a med change. I have improved and was able to mow my lawn for the first time in a year. But it is a slow battle. I do not think that I have Schizophrenia, I don’t hear voices or anything like that. I think at this point I have an insane amount of adrenaline that gets released at the slightest amount of stress. I can be fairly relaxed cracking a joke sitting down but my heart will still be reacting and beating at 160. I can’t get out now but I loved to take long drives to clear my head. I am so not myself.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Get rid of your wife! She seems like shes the cause of all your problems.

You said it yourself that you would feel relived. 

Stress, 

Stress can give you all kinds of body symptoms.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wantpeace said:


> Hi, I am not sure why I am even here. I am at this point what you would call a looser. I am a middle aged guy that has not worked for the past year. I was not always this way. I was successful, worked long hours 12 to 16 hours a days.
> 
> I always was high anxiety however I was functional. 10 years ago I suffered my first panic attack. Last year what little life I did have ended. I became agoraphobic and unable to leave my home.
> My wife of 25 years is at the end of her rope threatening to leave. I am no longer a provider. Tell you the truth if she did leave it would probably be a relief.
> ...


You probably don't really care for my input, as I was with an agoraphobic spouse for 13 years and it drove me to depression. I did everything to help, understand, read umpty books, encouraged therapy, but he was resistant to do anything.

Once going out the front foor was an impossible task, I realized that I was doing most of the shopping, fetching, etc., and we were never ever going out. What's more, I was the convenient punching bag for his stress episodes and because he wouldn't seek help, I realized that would never get better, either. He also never offered empathy and support my way, because he was always focused on his anxiety. 

We divorced for other reasons but I'm sympathetic to both you and your wife. My advice would be to do the best you can to get a handle on your Agoraphobia and get therapy and actually work to face your fears, slowly.

As for my ex, funnily enough after we split, I learned he went out more with confidence, so I guess I always was the problem... Although I fail to see why when I thought I was being supportive and helpful. Clearly not. But I tried to understand. I guess not being able to experience it first hand, my "help" was useless.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your 'case' is challenging. Let me think on 'this'.

I am a retired engineer, have no training in psychology or medicine.

Keep that in mind. And keep just 'one' grain of salt...handy.

I see something in your system, likely your' brain that is uh, chemically out of balance, thrashing about, being assaulted...by itself....

First off, you need "extensive" blood chemistry done, pronto.

There is a central nervous system component here. CNS.

The breathing, the solar plexus nerves. Vasovagal.

Maybe powerful hormones kicking in doors.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Yes, you've been lured into the deep end by other losers like us. I went to camp in my youth and was thrilled to test into the deep end. Keep swimming, keep swimming...

Your subconscious is more powerful than your free will. I agree with the stress. T'ain't good for anyone.

You're here cuz you want to know you're not alone. You are not. I've felt an ounce of your pain. I may have had more but I only count one panic attack... It was absolutely terrifying. Once I weirdly was scared to leave the house. Stress is part of the mix. A non-relationship with the spouse is part. Genetics is in there.

You sound more bipolar to me but wouldn't these docs giving you meds assess? Hyper sensitive, high anxiety. You might try taking time away from the wife to see if it relieves anything? Could you do a hospital stay?

I want peace too, brother. Alot alot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is true:

The emotions that we experience and feel are oft lock-step with and tied to the release, the re-uptake of neurotransmitters in the brain. 

This is how cells within the brain communicate. 

Emotions and feelings, including panic attacks and anxiety 'can be' triggered by an imbalance of specific ‘neurochemicals’ in the brain. 

The suspect neurotransmitters? Serotonin, Norepinephrine, GABA and Dopamine.

Start here----> With those chemicals and compounds, naturally produced in the body.
It is not only the chemical imbalance causing your woes, there likely are other triggers, psychological, etc. It could be environmental. something in your diet, allergens in your house.
Who knows?

Doctors know about these things...they give you AI drugs, sit back and wait for your response, and then adjust fire. Trying to pin down your angry mind. Adjusting the dose, trying and mixing all sorts of drugs, trying to create the perfect 'elixir' for you. Such an imperfect science.

At this point we only know your symptoms. Not the root cause or cause.

Go to a good Internal Medicine Physician. Explain your symptoms and ask him/her to check these chemical levels 'out'. 
If that is possible, of course! Likely NOT.


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## Wantpeace (Sep 5, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Get rid of your wife! She seems like shes the cause of all your problems.
> 
> You said it yourself that you would feel relived.
> 
> ...


She is not the cause of ALL my problems. I understand that I always had some issues. Unfortunately divorce would be painful, I think she would use our kid as a weapon. This is the reason I did not already leave the situation. That and for religious reasons, but we really have not had a real marriage for many years now. 



Satya said:


> You probably don't really care for my input, as I was with an agoraphobic spouse for 13 years and it drove me to depression. I did everything to help, understand, read umpty books, encouraged therapy, but he was resistant to do anything.


Actually I am open to any thoughts. I don’t expect an echo chamber. Sorry that you went through this. If people can’t work on themselves you can’t make them change. I want to beat this though. I want to find peace in my life. Tell you the truth it is hard for me to understand this too. I know that I have nothing to fear logically. That does not change the fact I still react badly.



Satya said:


> Once going out the front door was an impossible task, I realized that I was doing most of the shopping, fetching, etc., and we were never ever going out. What's more, I was the convenient punching bag for his stress episodes and because he wouldn't seek help, I realized that would never get better, either. He also never offered empathy and support my way, because he was always focused on his anxiety.


I feel extremely guilty because at this point she is doing it all. I don’t want to be a burden on anybody, particularly her because she will use this as a weapon. I don’t have a support system to fall back on. Many years I worked and supported her when she was lost and could not hold a job, she was also able to be a stay at home mom. “convenient punching bag” I hope he did not hurt you physically. That adrenalin rush is hard to control, they call it fight or flight for a reason. However I am not making an excuse for abusive behavior. I have never raised a hand in my 25 year relationship. But recently it is something that I am afraid I will do, I am afraid of turning into a monster. My wife always said I don’t show enough emotion. She would yell at me, wish that I was dead and say the vilest things that she knew would hurt me just to get a reaction so that I would show that I had “emotions”. Now I can’t control them.


To everybody else that replied I will say these things. I suffered panic attacks in the past 10 years and managed to get through them with little interruption normally. Sometimes in a car I would just keep driving. Often at work when working on a project I would be busy not paying attention and just doing my job. Suddenly I would have a panic attack. I would look around and be like wow, all these people are here, I did not realize this many people started working around me but subconsciously it must have triggered an attack. I would acknowledge it and keep working. They would only last 10 minutes or so and pass. Many of the attacks are at a subconscious level and I am not thinking negatively at the time. For many attacks though I have no clue what started them. I know years ago my attacks would hit me every time I got into my car to go home from work. I am certain those were from what was waiting at home at the time. Over time they all but disappeared. Up until last year I very rarely suffered an attack. Since last year the attacks had become more severe and I had multiples ones every day. The after effect of an attack can leave my body sore and painful for days because of uncontrollable muscle stiffening. Unlike the attacks in the past I have not been able to come out of the attack unless I removed myself and went someplace more comfortable. 


I suspect that I may have a problem metabolizing things. I think small dosage of drugs stay in my system and build up. I had severe leg pain caused by sciatic nerve pain. I was given a large dose of naproxen for it. I felt absolutely great and was thinking about a trip to a rock concert, something I do not normally consider because I do not like crowds. Anyways I later found out that naproxen can make your body busy and cause other drugs to stay in your system. So it is possible that naproxen caused my antianxiety med to build up to a high dose and when I stopped taken naproxen I suffered sudden withdraw even though I never changed the actual dosage amount of my anti-anxiety medication. Two weeks after I stopped taking naproxen is when I collapsed during my daily walk. I also developed tinnitus and some say that can be linked to naproxen too. Ever since I have not been able to take many over the counter pain meds without sever hearing problems, everything becoming loud and distorted.


I've been recently diagnosed with an ASD that is very common among the population. I would have had it since birth. It COULD explain my low tolerance to exercise all my life but it is not common to get symptoms from it. I depends on the size of it. However some people do claim to suffer from sudden symptoms of it at around my age. I have not gotten the procedure done to find out how large the whole in my heart is because I can’t travel that far due to anxiety. I am not overweight but the first two months when my symptoms flared I spent my time trapped in bed. I lost muscle tone. So to some this paragraph up is that I have no idea if my inability to exercise at this time is because of anxiety, just became out of shape from not working and lying in bed, or an actual heart problem that rarely causes an issue.


I also found out that I suffer from sleep apnea. I normally only get a few hours of sleep because of my high anxiety. During those few hours my sleep was getting disturbed 12 times an hour. To top things off your body may release adrenaline in your sleep in order to keep your airway open. So my odd breathing and suffocation feeling could have been learned from my sleep pattern perhaps transferred into an automatic response during the day? As you can see I am grasping at straws here. I do not know, just a thought. But many of your hormones and important brain neurotransmitters like serotonin are produced in your sleep. Sleep is important. I started CPAP 3 weeks ago now. I have seen many improvements since then but I am still not myself and I have a long way to go. I no longer wake up shaking though and I have more better days recently. I have regained interest in some hobbies when before I was just too full of anxiety to enjoy anything. For the first time in a year I was able to mow my lawn.


I have not been hospitalized for my mental illness. I did go through a day program 5 days a week for about eight months solid. At the end of it they had no idea how to help me. I tried to self-check myself into a hospital psychiatric ward but they would not accept me because I was not suicidal or homicidal. My son gives me too much to live for although I have not been much of a dad lately. The way I have reacted to meds in the past I am not sure more meds are the answer but at the time I was so desperate. I have also seen improvements lately so I don’t know if I want to try meds now or see if things will get better on its own. Last week I showed my psychiatrist my heart rate and calmly explained to her that I was really having a tough time catching my breath and remaining calm, it was at 160 sitting down. She asked me “are you sure it is anxiety causing this?” I said to her “well you are the ones pushing these pills at me aren’t you sure?” I just get bounced around from a pulmonary, cardio, nero, and my therapist. They all point fingers at each other. Many tests done are because I demanded them, not because they suggested them. I have lost faith in the medical community because it takes 5 appointments just to get a simple answer for a test. When I mentioned my new symptom of tinnitus my doctor did not even look into my ear to check for inflammation or wax build up. I was not referred to a specialist for it and was just told “often nothing can be done for that.”


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why haven't you had yourself placed into a treatment facility?


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## Wantpeace (Sep 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> Why haven't you had yourself placed into a treatment facility?


I tried twice. They would not accept me because I am not homicidal or suicidal. They locked me in a observation room. I was alone in the room trying to hold myself together because just getting out of the home was huge. I had a panic attack and was pumped up with adrenaline. I was trying to work off that rush by pacing back and forth. They got nervous enough to remove all the furniture because they probably thought I was going to throw stuff. However I am not a violent person so they would not accept me even though I wanted to be checked in.

I earned an ok living up until recently. However I know people that don't work and basically use these places as getaways. They just claim to be suicidal and they dont worry about food or any daily duties and the state pays for it all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check with United Way or something similar to help you get into something.


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## Muniesa (Nov 12, 2017)

Wantpeace said:


> I tried twice. They would not accept me because I am not homicidal or suicidal. They locked me in a observation room. I was alone in the room trying to hold myself together because just getting out of the home was huge. I had a panic attack and was pumped up with adrenaline. I was trying to work off that rush by pacing back and forth. They got nervous enough to remove all the furniture because they probably thought I was going to throw stuff. However I am not a violent person so they would not accept me even though I wanted to be checked in.
> 
> I earned an ok living up until recently. However I know people that don't work and basically use these places as getaways. They just claim to be suicidal and they dont worry about food or any daily duties and the state pays for it all.


Any updates ? How you've been these last months?

I have a similar story. Been dealing with anxiety all my life but only recently looked for help as my marriage deteriorated. Psychiatrist didn't help, can barely sleep and only thing that keeps me going is my kid. 

I agree that one needs to help himself before being able to build anything but don't see how checking yourself in would help your relationship with your child.

Don't get me wrong, every day I want to "escape" too. My psychiatrist wanted me to join open ward group therapy but I refused as I would have to be there too often and it would impede my responsibilities towards my son and I think there are other avenues to be explored besides meds and psychiatry.


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