# Reoccurring problem that is more of an annoyance now.



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

My wife, regardless of our separation or cohabitation, has had a problem that has plagued our relationship and our marriage. When she is having a weekend with friends or a trip to herself( never had a problem with her doing this until it became a repeat offense, as well as the whole emotional infidelity). She rarely calls if she remembers at all.One trip she went on she called and talked about 4 minutes spread over 3 calls within 96 hours.
I realize she may be busy, but it always happens. She seemingly has a double standard for "us". I have tried to address this in every way I can think of over the years. I appreciate the "he's a fully capable father" aspect, but it made and makes me feel taken for granted. 
I know it has been 2 years, but I still have tinges of dread. The weekend she completely ignored mine and the kids' calls still creeps up. Especially since she no longer wears a ring,though I doubt she does anything consider her hang ups,the cheating aspect of my worry is gone, but I also know humans like attention. The only thing I can think of to alleviate this feeling is to focus on being a father and have fun with the kids. If she calls or texts, I respond. If she doesn't I want to force myself to ignore the urge to call. Is it wrong to do this? I am not trying to be mean, I just don't want to deal with the "HI!BYE!" scenario or mumbled or ignored I.L.Y. any more. He friends were a big part of the problem and now she is around them for 3 days again.
Sorry for ranting.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> My wife, regardless of our separation or cohabitation, has had a problem that has plagued our relationship and our marriage. When she is having a weekend with friends or a trip to herself( never had a problem with her doing this until it became a repeat offense, as well as the whole emotional infidelity). She rarely calls if she remembers at all.One trip she went on she called and talked about 4 minutes spread over 3 calls within 96 hours.
> I realize she may be busy, but it always happens. She seemingly has a double standard for "us". I have tried to address this in every way I can think of over the years. I appreciate the "he's a fully capable father" aspect, but it made and makes me feel taken for granted.
> I know it has been 2 years, but I still have tinges of dread. The weekend she completely ignored mine and the kids' calls still creeps up. Especially since she no longer wears a ring,though I doubt she does anything consider her hang ups,the cheating aspect of my worry is gone, but I also know humans like attention. The only thing I can think of to alleviate this feeling is to focus on being a father and have fun with the kids. If she calls or texts, I respond. If she doesn't I want to force myself to ignore the urge to call. Is it wrong to do this? I am not trying to be mean, I just don't want to deal with the "HI!BYE!" scenario or mumbled or ignored I.L.Y. any more. He friends were a big part of the problem and now she is around them for 3 days again.
> Sorry for ranting.


Are you guys separated?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

UpnOver said:


> Are you guys separated?


Yes. The instances I mention in my post( with the exception of today) are from pre-separation. The part that is an annoyance is she still wants to act status quo about our situation. She is ashamed about our separation( her choice instead of therapy), but has done little to fix her end. She is not malicious, she is just accepting of how things are and does nothing to fix it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've always found the wife to be particularly whiny and complaining when I'm away from home. Calling home I get a torrent of complaints and emergencies and problems I have neither the ability nor honestly the inclination to worry about. She's a grown up she can do most things that don't involve fistfights and a few things that do. So I tend to keep my emotional distance, calls to a minimum. If she genuinely needs my immediate attention she should send a text and she knows that. But honestly, I'm not going to worry about a wasp nest or the cold water hose on the washing machine.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I've always found the wife to be particularly whiny and complaining when I'm away from home. Calling home I get a torrent of complaints and emergencies and problems I have neither the ability nor honestly the inclination to worry about. She's a grown up she can do most things that don't involve fistfights and a few things that do. So I tend to keep my emotional distance, calls to a minimum. If she genuinely needs my immediate attention she should send a text and she knows that. But honestly, I'm not going to worry about a wasp nest or the cold water hose on the washing machine.


That is the thing, it was usually quite the opposite. She would ignore calls for example: she was completely unaware of her mother being rushed to the hospital, then was upset I didn't tell her. Not much you can do with 2 really little kids.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

If you guys have been separated for that long and no longer together, why is this a problem still?

Why bother trying to call her? Especially when you know this is how SHE is.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

We are in a strange grey area now. We don't live in the same house. I am probably just frustrated because I am sick. Other than this feeling, things have been okay.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> *We are in a strange grey area now*. We don't live in the same house. I am probably just frustrated because I am sick. Other than this feeling, *things have been okay*.


Grey area? Can you explain??

Things are okay as in being civil and accepting that it's over?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Things are okay as in we get along, we do stuff together with and without the kids. When things started to sour I was really 
There is no "over". We drifted apart, then we have slowly drifted back. This has been happening slowly over the last 9 months or so. I try to take it a day at a time. I act with patience, rather than desperation, sadness, or anger. I went 180 on her and it really got her attention.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> Things are okay as in we get along, we do stuff together with and without the kids. When things started to sour I was really
> There is no "over". We drifted apart, then we have slowly drifted back. This has been happening slowly over the last 9 months or so. I try to take it a day at a time. I act with patience, rather than desperation, sadness, or anger. I went 180 on her and it really got her attention.


Was 180 to get her back?

I'm asking all these questions because I'm trying to figure out why this lack of phone communication bothers you instead of just not caring about it anymore and moving on.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Yes, it was. 
I have been working on it. This conversation has made me call into question why I even brought it up...Not really a point.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> Yes, it was.
> I have been working on it. This conversation has made me call into question why I even brought it up...Not really a point.


I don't believe that.

You made a post about it for a reason, which is why I'm choosing to ask you through this rather than just say "focus on yourself and who cares what your stbxw does".

I get this limbo type vibe from you.


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