# How can I fight when I did all the hurting



## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

I thinks it's over, w no longer trusts a word out of my mouth and I don't blame her. I've lied continuously for the last year to cover my arse even though she told me if I came out with the truth she could work through it, the bit she knew of she did work through but I was still hiding things and too ashamed to man up and tell the rest until backed into a corner again then it all came out

Due to do a polygraph test tomorrow to prove I'm not lying anymore but don't know if that will make any difference

Totally distraught and don't know what to do, think she will kick me out no matt what the result. 


I know how much I've hurt her and don't know what to say or do 
to lessen the pain. 

Others have previously posted that I should leave so she can find someone who will be true to her but I love her too much and want to be that person she can trust again.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Fact is, you may never be. If you mess up once and come clean then yeah maybe. But it seriously took you a poly to fess up? Really? Now she knows how far you will go to cover your ass and she may not accept that. Theres not much you can do to gain trust at this point with all the false R. Cause all that false R did was when the cards were on the table you still lied. And that when she put her faith in you, you shattered it again.

Like I said, nothing you do on your part anymore. All you can do is hope that 'she' puts trust in you one day while being the man you should've been. 

However, keep in mind that its very possible that she never will be able to put trust in you again.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Also is this you?

This from a poster on TAM

"And he still won't come clean! Amazing! Told me the poly was wrong, he told the truth. 

Failed on if he had intercourse with anyone.
Failed on if he had sexual contact with %&*$ more than once.
(I had been told it was a ONS BJ. And he never saw her again. This past week I discovered he knew her and had contacted her five years after the fact he was coming into town.)
Inconclusive if he has had any sexual contact with anyone that I don't know about.

Nine years of lies, a year of trickle truth. I'm done. 

Seventeen years of marriage down the drain, a 14 and 11 year old whose hearts will be broken. Amazing what he threw away for sex. (She was 20 BTW.) 

Thanks for robbing me half my life!"


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

All you can do is be truthful. Then beg and plead. SHOW her you love her and say it often. Then you wait for her to decide what she wants.


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

Kaiser no not me although it's another similar sad git like me


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How long ago was D day?

If she's willing to get you to have a poly, she hasn't totally given up.

I had totally given up, kicked my hubby out on D day and didn't want to see him or speak to him for a couple of months. We're reconciling and doing quite well today. So there IS hope.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

unfortunately, its a little too late.

wife is emotionally shipped out on this one.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Best advice I can give to the two of you is make no sudden moves. Give emotional reactions time to filter and mellow before you react to them. Think first, act second. 

megmg - the damage may be irrecoverable. All you can do is the very best you know how. Give her/show her anything and everything she needs to TRY to heal. Unfortunately if she's not willing to try there is little you can do other than to accept the price of your actions like a man with a little grace and dignity and torment her no further. 

The lies are very often worse than the cheating as you're seeing. Cheating is a black and white thing, you either did or you didn't. Lying is all grey and uncertainty - normally much harder for people to live with because they never know when grey = ok or grey = I'm being lied to again.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man, pass the poly. Don't geat any kind of credit for the green light (I asume you are not going to lie).
Then start being trustworthy. It's what it takes to regain trust. Not quick fox for it so be very patient. Stop lying about anything. There're workshop to avoit lying, even while lies.
Drop the defenses, be proactive about talking about the affair. Furthermore, write down a timeline for her.
Be aviable to discuss it. Become an open book.
Make your actions speak for you and watch they match your words.
Be patien. Asume she doesn't have to trust you.
Give her every password, pin... free access to your comunication devices. The phone is on the table open for her forever. Get a GPS.
Be also transparent with money.
Have you ever read any book about infidelity?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Very excellent advice from Acabado as well.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, what was the betrayal like?

Did she catch you, and you promise to work on it, and reconcile, all the while taking your affair underground and hiding it?
Then have it blow up, try to lie more, until you are now here? And having to deal with the fall out?

Because if we know how hard the betrayal was, and some (not all) of what you did, we might be able to give you more specific advice.


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