# Wife thinks I'm cheating on her, but I'm NOT!



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Over the weekend, my wife (“Crystal”) happened to look at my phone while I was outside working in the yard because there was a missed call. I leave my phone unlocked and lying around because I have nothing to hide. When Crystal saw the “missed call” list, she noticed that a female co-worker friend of mine (“Alyssa”) was on the list. She wondered any Alyssa called me and investigated further and noticed a text thread between the two of us that was very flirty with the two of us calling each other by pet names. Alyssa flirts with me something awful, but (and I hate to admit this) I like it. I like the attention and it feels great to be somewhat desired... and I’m not going to lie- Alyssa is HOT and SEXY with a body to die for.

Early on, when Alyssa first started flirting with me, I established with her that nothing would happen between the two of us, and that I’ve never cheated on my wife. Alyssa is also married and with two children. She told me that she just enjoys my company and finds it fun and stimulating to flirt with me. Initially, I thought she had a thing for me, but it turns out she’s harmless. Additionally, I’ve told my wife everything about Alyssa and her flirtatious ways; I’ve been completely forthcoming about our discussions as well. Again, I felt like I had nothing to hide since I wasn’t doing anything.

At any rate, my wife now thinks there’s something going on between the two of us, if not physically, but emotionally. Alyssa and I have never even had lunch together. I tried convincing Crystal that we were only friends and just joking around with the pet names, but she thinks there’s more to it. The only thing I’m really guilty of is allowing Alyssa to flirt with me, but Crystal thinks there’s something deeper, and that I have feelings for her, which I don’t.

I tried convincing Crystal that I haven’t done anything; my habits have not changed, I’ve kept to the same routines, and I want sex all the time, but in the back of her mind, she’s wondering if I’m lying… and I’ve never lied to her before.

Any advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you should both read the book "Not Just Friends". And I'm not terribly surprised your wife feels the way she does, given the descriptions of your communications. I think you should rethink your relationship with your co-worker and how much you value your wife and your marriage. You should be getting your emotional needs met at home, not from a co-worker. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Stop the flirty banter between you and the coworker. You have been open with your wife and that's good but your wife sees this woman as a threat.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How would you like it if Crystal were doing this with her guy friend and you found this flirt email/text exchange between her and another man?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

_"The only thing I’m really guilty of is allowing Alyssa to flirt with me..."_


Well ok but Alyssa is not just "some woman". She is a co-worker with a "body to die for" whom you ENJOY the attention of.

Are you not aware that this is how EVERY affair starts?

So you really are on step one of an affair right now, and you think you haven't done anything wrong?

I think you should apologize earnestly to your wife for taking step one to the path of an affair, tell Alyssa that your wife saw your texts and that you now realize they are inappropriate and no further texts will be occuring, then read "Not Just Friends" like someone else suggested.

.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Drop Crystal like a piece of common glass.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Drop his wife of over 10 years because she wasn't down with him sending flirty texts to his hot co-worker?

WTF.

.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Drop Crystal like a piece of common glass.


Huh? She isn't the one carrying on with someone else


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I think he meant Alyssa...?


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

This is the beginning of an emotional affair.

Instead telling your wife that you didn't do anything wrong and making up every excuse in the book, why don't you apologize to your wife that what you did is wrong.

Is it ok for your wife to flirt with other men, have a pet name, maybe talk dirty? If the answer is no, then stop what you are doing and apologize to your wife.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, I'm sorry. I meant.

Drop Alyssa like a piece of common glass.

To the OP, you are already being unfaithful to your wife.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh....that makes so much more sense.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I consider that emotional cheating. It's still cheating. 

I honestly would leave my husband if I found flirty texts with him and another woman. I'd take the kids with me. 

Drop this Alyssa woman and flirt with your wife. Stop telling us how smoking hot Alyssa is and start telling us how hot your wife is and what a smoking body she has, not the OW.


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Boundary crossed. CC your wife on a "no more flirting" txt and end it. I agree it does feel good to get hit on and it increases your alpha in your wife's eyes, but don't respond to the flirting or you'll be going backwards.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Wait, please dont tell me your wife's real name is Crystal.. 

And like the other posters said, this is the start of an emotional affair. Texting her all the time will turn into a habit. If you love your wife you'll stop talking to this woman period
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Understandable from what you described that your wife came to this conclusion. 
I think the advice from others is prudent. 
While you may have no intentions beyond the banter, the other person could begin to interpret things differently. And already as you may stop the banter the other person may wonder what happened and it could affect the working relationship. Finally, if this online banter became known in the workplace it might be interpreted in a negative light for either or both of you. I always assume anything I do online is potentially public information. 
Would you be comfortable exchanging the same banter with this other person verbally where others in the workplace might overhear? If not, then is is likely not appropriate workplace communication.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There IS something going on. Justify all you want but you are using emotional energy on this trash that you're not using on your wife. Just the fact that you had a conversation agreeing that nothing would happen suggests this is not ok. I assume you'd be fine with your wife flirting with another man? Geez, grow up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you sound a lot like my husband. He was of the opinion that unless intercourse had taken place, anything else he did with other women was really not a problem and mostly just none of my business. Now, I'm not saying you're that bad (are you?), but I am going to guess that you and your wife may have profoundly differing views on what constitutes infidelity in a marriage. 

You wife certainly seems to think you've crossed a line. Many of the posters here would agree with her. 

So, sit down with your wife and have a calm discussion about what each of you see as the proper boundaries for married couples when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Once you understand what your wife thinks a good marriage looks like, you can decide if you're willing to live within those parameters. If you are not, you need to let your wife know it immediately. If you are, you need to stop your budding affair immediately.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

coupdegrace said:


> wife thinks i'm cheating on her, but i'm not!


yes you are!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Would you call your co-worker pet names if your wife were standing there? Anything that you would not do in front of your wife is off limits.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks for your responses and points of view.

Emotionally, I haven't done anything. Alyssa is not in my head in any way, shape or form. Furthermore, I don't go home thinking about her. By acknowledging her beauty, all I was doing was painting a picture. I don't go around thinking or elaborating on how attractive she is.

Regarding the texts, it wasn't an every day thing. It was a couple of times during a slow work day about a month ago, and in between that, we discussed work and other things surrounding the job. It wasn't a continuous flirt fest that went on for hours. Also, the pet name I used was "sugar" and it was only a one-time-thing as it was a joke between us. If you read most of it aloud, you would swear that it's two guys texting back and forth.

I disagree about this being the seeds of an emotional affair as I haven't initiated anything or succumbed to her feminine wiles. Sure, I allow her to flirt, but I haven't responded to any of it. Additionally, I haven't made up excuses. Again, I have no reason to lie and nothing to hide. Alyssa is like one of my guy friends, just happens to be a girl, so once I set the boundaries early on, that was it. Cheating only occurs if you're weak-willed and allow it, and I was clear that it wasn't going to happen.

For the record, and for clarification, I always tell my wife how much I like her body.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> Any advice?


Keep in mind that you are on TAM, where almost anything and everything people do with others can be considered cheating (some on this forum are so extreme, that they think looking at porn is cheating). 

Personally, I wouldn't consider using flirty pet names as cheating, nor does that rise to the level of an emotional affair - assuming that's all it was. 

I recommend you simply tell your wife everything you've told us here, including how it was an ego boost. Then simply cut the flirty banter. Life is too short to let an issue like this turn into a crisis.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You tell your wife you like her body....you describe this coworker body " to die for". If your wife read this thread she would freak out. She wouldn't be wrong.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok I guess you're right....just tell your wife to mind her own freaking business....sure, that's the right move.

Have fun with your flirty texts with your hot co-worker, yeah, that's good marriage practice.

.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My advice is to stop giving your wife reason to think that you're cheating. Period.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not sure why you posted the question as you do not seem interested in any answers other than those that confirm what you want to hear.



coupdegrace said:


> Alyssa is like one of my guy friends, just happens to be a girl, so once I set the boundaries early on, that was it.


Sure, you probably think your guy friends also have bodies to die for, are attracted to you, call them "sugar", and receive flirty texts from them too. Nothing out of the ordinary there..


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Keep in mind that you are on TAM, where almost anything and everything people do with others can be considered cheating (some on this forum are so extreme, that they think looking at porn is cheating).
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't consider using flirty pet names as cheating, nor does that rise to the level of an emotional affair - assuming that's all it was.
> 
> I recommend you simply tell your wife everything you've told us here, including how it was an ego boost. Then simply cut the flirty banter. Life is too short to let an issue like this turn into a crisis.


You're right. No matter what you do and no matter the circumstances, you're considered a cheating piece of crap. 

Thanks to the responses, I now know how she feels, which was my desired outcome... and I have already told my wife everything and apologized. Like I said, I don't hide anything from her and never felt like I needed to. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Ok I guess you're right....just tell your wife to mind her own freaking business....sure, that's the right move.
> 
> Have fun with your flirty texts with your hot co-worker, yeah, that's good marriage practice.


The flirty texts weren't continual. They occured on one (1) day and because work was slow and I was bored, I decided to play along with her. That's all. It wasn't over a long period of time. All of the other texts were regarding work.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not one of those on TAM who opposes opposite sex friendships. I've written many times about how I have platonic OSF. But I wouldn't be friends with someone who flirted with me and I wouldn't call them some endearment, not even once.

We don't have affairs because we're being careless so much as because we aren't being cautious enough. We take too much for granted and one of the things we take for granted is that infidelity is a line we can't cross. It isn't a line at all, it's a direction and once we're going that way we are doomed to failure to protect our vows.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Coffee Amore said:


> Sure, you probably think your guy friends also have bodies to die for, are attracted to you, call them "sugar", and receive flirty texts from them too. Nothing out of the ordinary there..


:iagree:

See... this is where your story falls apart OP.

You've crossed lines and you know it!


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> My advice is to stop giving your wife reason to think that you're cheating. Period.


I haven't given a reason. I didn't hide my phone, wasn't acting guilty about anything and was completely forthcoming with her.



Coffee Amore said:


> I'm not sure why you posted the question as you do not seem interested in any answers other than those that confirm what you want to hear.
> 
> Sure, you probably think your guy friends also have bodies to die for, are attracted to you, call them "sugar", and receive flirty texts from them too. Nothing out of the ordinary there..


Actually, I wanted to get everyone else's perspective. Not once have I insulted anyone or told anyone, "YOU'RE WRONG and completely off base" or anything like that. I apologize if anything I said came across that way.

...and yeah, you're right. I don't think my guy friends are hot with nice bodies, but again, the flirty texts were a one-time thing about a month ago, and the pet name was only used once as a joke within that thread. There was nothing else after that.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You haven't cheated. But you have crossed a line. Don't text something to the other sex you wouldn't say in front of your wife.
You came here for help. Thats a plus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

If it was a one time thing then allow your wife to be upset and then stop.

I can totally understand wanting attention from the opposite sex. Sometimes it also helps your marriage/sex life to know that you are still attractive to others. But, once you start to flirt back, you are pretty much crossing the line.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> Over the weekend, my wife (“Crystal”) happened to look at my phone while I was outside working in the yard because there was a missed call. I leave my phone unlocked and lying around because I have nothing to hide. When Crystal saw the “missed call” list, she noticed that a female co-worker friend of mine (“Alyssa”) was on the list. She wondered any Alyssa called me and investigated further and noticed a text thread between the two of us that was *very flirty with the two of us calling each other by pet names. Alyssa flirts with me something awful, but (and I hate to admit this) I like it.* I like the attention and it feels great to be somewhat desired... and I’m not going to lie- Alyssa is HOT and SEXY with a body to die for.
> 
> *Early on, when Alyssa first started flirting with me*, I established with her that nothing would happen between the two of us, and that I’ve never cheated on my wife. Alyssa is also married and with two children. *She told me that she just enjoys my company and finds it fun and stimulating to flirt with me*. Initially, I thought she had a thing for me, but it turns out she’s harmless. Additionally, I’ve told my wife everything about Alyssa and her flirtatious ways; I’ve been completely forthcoming about our discussions as well. Again, I felt like I had nothing to hide since I wasn’t doing anything.
> 
> ...


That ^^^ doesn't really seem to match up with this:



coupdegrace said:


> You're right. No matter what you do and no matter the circumstances, you're considered a cheating piece of crap.
> 
> Thanks to the responses, I now know how she feels, which was my desired outcome... and I have already told my wife everything and apologized. Like I said, I don't hide anything from her and never felt like I needed to.
> 
> ...


It seems to me like you are rewriting history.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you asked for everyone's perspective, and you've got it. Seemed pretty unanimous to me. Now what are you going to do about it?

I also have opposite sex friends. I think that's fine, if boundaries are maintained. But out of respect for my SO and their spouses/partners, I wouldn't flirt with them or call them by a pet name like "sugar". I'd suggest talking to your wife to see what boundaries the two of you can agree on. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Yeah, this is how my WH affairs started. "Just" talking/texting... then flirting... then sexual talk... then pictures...

They don't call it a slippery slope for nothing.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That ^^^ doesn't really seem to match up with this:
> 
> It seems to me like you are rewriting history.


To answer your bold inquiries- She called me "baby" once and I responded with "sugar" once. I should have clarified that (I was on my way to a meeting and didn't proofread). It wasn't throughout our entire conversation. Again, the rest of it was about work and other things.

Yes, I liked the attention, and found it flattering. Honestly, who wouldn't? I even told my wife that while it's flattering, I love her and her alone. The ring I wear every day illustrates as much, and I have no intention of breaking our vows and screwing that up.

Thanks for your time, everyone! Much appreciated.

Oh, I haven't texted her for a month, so that was the end of it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Yes, I liked the attention, and found it flattering. Honestly, who wouldn't?"



A person who is self-validated.

.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> Over the weekend, my wife (“Crystal”) happened to look at my phone while I was outside working in the yard because there was a missed call. I leave my phone unlocked and lying around because I have nothing to hide. When Crystal saw the “missed call” list, she noticed that a female co-worker friend of mine (“Alyssa”) was on the list. She wondered any Alyssa called me and investigated further and noticed a text thread between the two of us that was very flirty with the two of us calling each other by pet names. Alyssa flirts with me something awful, but (and I hate to admit this) I like it. I like the attention and it feels great to be somewhat desired... and I’m not going to lie- Alyssa is HOT and SEXY with a body to die for.
> 
> Early on, when Alyssa first started flirting with me, I established with her that nothing would happen between the two of us, and that I’ve never cheated on my wife. Alyssa is also married and with two children. She told me that she just enjoys my company and finds it fun and stimulating to flirt with me. Initially, I thought she had a thing for me, but it turns out she’s harmless. Additionally, I’ve told my wife everything about Alyssa and her flirtatious ways; I’ve been completely forthcoming about our discussions as well. Again, I felt like I had nothing to hide since I wasn’t doing anything.
> 
> ...


A big pile of minimization, denial, and rationalization. Like you've told the wife "everything", except what she busted you for. 

How about this dandy stark denial:



> I don't go around thinking or elaborating on how attractive she is...
> 
> Alyssa is HOT and SEXY with a body to die for


Who ya gonna trust? Me, or your lying eyes? 

You have no feelings for her... except for what you just said, and except for feeling GREAT about her interest, and getting all uber-defensive about your relationship with her instead of dropping her like a stone due to having zero interest in her. 

We noticed how you said nothing directly positive about your wife's body, and instead substituted the defense that you tell your wife that you like her body. Heh. Well, you haven't told us that and instead told us how much you salivate over Alyssa's.



> you would swear that it's two guys texting back and forth.


You sound just like the people rationalizing their affairs. Other than all the sex, the emotional committment, the secret vacations, the ten thousand text messages - it's like we're complete strangers. 

and about this:



> You're right. No matter what you do and no matter the circumstances, you're considered a cheating piece of crap.


This is a lie used by manipulative people playing the victim. Resorting to this, along with all of the other behavior demonstrates how protective you are of your little "sugar" girl.

I guess you thought you could snow us, but we've seen it all before. The committed, sincere married man rushes to the wife like his house is on fire and drowns the other woman face-down in a bucket of sewage rather than upset one hair on the wife's head. It is the wife's feelings that matter, not your own mushy feelings over this hot sexy sugar girl.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

coupdegrace, seems like you got all the advice and suggestions you need. 
As someone else pointed out, on TAM you will get a wide spectrum of advice. But TAM is sort of like the evening news - the stuff that gets all the attention is the bad news. Any scan of the posts in here show people aren't flocking to TAM because their marital life is one of bliss and happiness. People will often project their own meanings and interpretations onto the actions and situations - such as yours - shared by others.

Further, the limitations of any online forum, restricted to a few words typed on a screen, leave much to be desired in the realm of clear, concise and cohesive communication. Countless times I've read threads where people fill in the ambiguities of the initiating post with assumptions and a leap to conclusions that may not be entirely accurate. I'm as guilty of others of doing that, particularly when i read something that touches a raw nerve from some painful life experience of my own.

And, of course, on TAM we rarely get both spouses in a situation to present reality from their individual points of view. We are presented with only one side. Once again, an opportunity for us to try to fill in the blanks, often responding with how each of us might react in the situation described. Which is both a virtue and a liability of forums like this. It is healthy to hear people respond with, "...well if that were me, I'd feel..." as a litmus test of reasonableness concerning your described behavior. It is a liability when we jump too quickly to a conclusion based on how we feel from our own real life experience. A lot of people on TAM have been burned, and badly, by shallow, dishonest, mean spirited spouses and former spouses and that life experience will naturally color their responses.

You are the final and best judge of what will work in your own situation just as your wife is the final and best judge for her life and the two of you together will succeed or fail in your marriage based on your individual and joint actions.

I once worked with a guy who had a wife who was so jealous she literally accompanied him to work and sat in a corner of his cubicle to keep an eye on him. At least she did until management said that was enough of that tomfoolery. And then other married guys are flirting with every female who walks by seemingly without a concern in the world for the wife. 

You don't seem to fit either of those extremes. I think you got a clear cross section of responses that generally said, "not such a good idea to do the flirty stuff at work" from the mild "be careful" to adamant "you are already in an emotional affair buddy."

Discount the extremes and you probably have a reasonable middle ground of what the mainstream feel about your situation.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> I haven't given a reason. I didn't hide my phone, wasn't acting guilty about anything and was completely forthcoming with her.


I don't think that your wife agrees with this statement, does she?

I will respond by believing you that there is nothing between you and "Alyssa", other than just being friends, but obviously your boundaries and your wife's boundaries are completely different on this subject. 

So I will only ask you this, what is more important to you, respecting your W's boundaries, and keeping your marriage vows of honoring and respecting your W, or your friendship with Alyssa?

Back before I found out about my W's A, when I told her how uneasy I was with her friendship with OM (before I knew that he was her AP), I told her that I had female friends that I gave up when we started dating seriously, she said "I never asked you to do that" I simply replied "You didn't have to".

Who's more important to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If you were bored at work, why didn't you send some texts or call the wife?


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> She wondered any Alyssa called me and investigated further and noticed a text thread between the two of us that was very flirty with the two of us calling each other by pet names. Alyssa flirts with me something awful, but (and I hate to admit this) I like it. I like the attention and it feels great to be somewhat desired... and I’m not going to lie- Alyssa is HOT and SEXY with a body to die for.


Wow, dude. Your wife got the impression there is something there because there IS something there. 1.) You're attracted to Alyssa and 2.) You enjoy the attention she gives you. 

Your relationship with your coworker is inappropriate, full stop. So you need to decide what's more important to you: your marriage or flirting with disaster.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

She's like one of your guy friends? I bet you wouldn't describe them as gorgeous with HOT bodies, and I bet you wouldn't enjoy them flirting with you either. Don't delude yourself.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Alyssa is HOT and SEXY with a body to die for.


And if its not something that you think about, why did this even need to be included in the story? Except to further feel good that you have a HOT SEXY woman willing to flirt with you, and you want everyone to know it. Rather than express remorse and admit this might have been over the line, you are still bragging about it.


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