# Relationships



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It might just be me. If it is I appreciate any input. But I have been thinking as I read thru the various threads and I noticed some things that appear to be givens:
It seems as though most people feel that relationships should keep extending in duration with each passing one. Your first relationship may last a few days, the next a few weeks, then the next a few months, perhaps another for a few years until you find "the one" and settle into a marriage, which many assume to be "forever". Even if the first marriage ends, it seems that many simply want to extend the string by looking for another long term relationship to replace the one that ended.
But often times the person we were, the things we want, our needs and desires have all drastically changed since we got married. Is it really to our benefit to look to replace one long term relationship with another without the benefit of knowing what we want moving forward?
I know that many of think we know, but is simply not wanting what you had before or wanting what was missing before enough of a sample size to really make a determination?
What are your thoughts?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ynot said:


> It seems as though most people feel that relationships should keep extending in duration with each passing one. Your first relationship may last a few days, the next a few weeks, then the next a few months, perhaps another for a few years until you find "the one" and settle into a marriage, which many assume to be "forever".


Maybe that is because our picker gets better with each relationship (which is why each one lasts longer) and we keep finding a better match until "the one"



Ynot said:


> IEven if the first marriage ends, it seems that many simply want to extend the string by looking for another long term relationship to replace the one that ended.
> 
> But often times the person we were, the things we want, our needs and desires have all drastically changed since we got married.* Is it really to our benefit to look to replace one long term relationship with another without the benefit of knowing what we want moving forward?*


Who's to say we don't already know that we want when ending the first marriage. Maybe that is why the first marriage ends. We know what we want, are not getting it, so we end it. I see no need to go through a long string a relationships after a divorce if you find a compatible partner. 

I am married, not planning on divorcing, but if I did/was I know what I would want in a new partner. And is it not the same as it was 25 years ago.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> I am married, not planning on divorcing, but if I did/was I know what I would want in a new partner. And is it not the same as it was 25 years ago.


Which is why everything you wrote prior to this is invalid. I can tell you straight out from experience, that you don't have a clue about what you might want going forward were you to divorce. I stood in your shoes just 2 years ago. I thought I knew what I wanted. After my divorce I am still searching for answers. When your world comes apart and question everything - well, you question everything. If you really believe that you are going to walk out of one relationship and into another, I feel sad for you. Because you are probably doomed to fail.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I don't personally enjoy the dating scene, but I do enjoy being in a committed relationship. Thus, my tendency to gravitate toward long-term relationships. Which is what I was looking for when I finally began dating again after my divorce. 

In my case, however, I knew better than to jump into dating of any kind right after my divorce. I spent almost 2 years doing the work on myself to figure out what makes me tick, my strengths and weaknesses, what I have to offer in a relationship, what my boundaries are and how to enforce them for myself, what I want and need in a partner. But mostly, learning to be not just okay, but perfectly happy and content, with being on my own. Then, and only then, did I even think about dating again. And when I did date, it was with an eye toward finding a committed partner, but in no rush to force a relationship or settle with anyone with whom I didn't share both a spark and mutual compatibility. 

I wish more people would take the time after a breakup to do that kind of personal work. Sadly, I met far to many people on the dating scene who hadn't. Many just seemed to be desperately afraid of being alone. Which is fine if they'd said they were looking for short-term fun, but most claimed to be looking for a committed relationship or a long-term partner. Folks like that just aren't in an emotionally healthy place to be a good partner for anyone. Operating from a position of hurt, anger, desperation and "I want the opposite of my ex-spouse" is really no way to conduct yourself at all with the opposite sex. And it's a particularly poor way to find a long-term relationship, if that's what you're truly seeking.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Which is why everything you wrote prior to this is invalid. I can tell you straight out from experience, that you don't have a clue about what you might want going forward were you to divorce. I stood in your shoes just 2 years ago. I thought I knew what I wanted. After my divorce I am still searching for answers. When your world comes apart and question everything - well, you question everything. If you really believe that you are going to walk out of one relationship and into another, I feel sad for you. Because you are probably doomed to fail.


I think you're wrong, Ynot - except for yourself and others who haven't yet figured out their answers. I completely agree with blueinbr, because I ended my first marriage knowing exactly what was missing and the important traits I wanted in any future relationship. I was more than ready to start dating within weeks of moving out. I deliberately set out to find someone who was truly compatible. I found her after only six months, and it's working extremely well sixteen years later. I have not changed what I want since, because I got everything I wanted then, and I still have it all in this relationship.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Rowan said:


> I don't personally enjoy the dating scene, but I do enjoy being in a committed relationship. Thus, my tendency to gravitate toward long-term relationships. Which is what I was looking for when I finally began dating again after my divorce.
> 
> In my case, however, I knew better than to jump into dating of any kind right after my divorce. I spent almost 2 years doing the work on myself to figure out what makes me tick, my strengths and weaknesses, what I have to offer in a relationship, what my boundaries are and how to enforce them for myself, what I want and need in a partner. But mostly, learning to be not just okay, but perfectly happy and content, with being on my own. Then, and only then, did I even think about dating again. And when I did date, it was with an eye toward finding a committed partner, but in no rush to force a relationship or settle with anyone with whom I didn't share both a spark and mutual compatibility.
> 
> I wish more people would take the time after a breakup to do that kind of personal work. Sadly, I met far to many people on the dating scene who hadn't. Many just seemed to be desperately afraid of being alone. Which is fine if they'd said they were looking for short-term fun, but most claimed to be looking for a committed relationship or a long-term partner. Folks like that just aren't in an emotionally healthy place to be a good partner for anyone. Operating from a position of hurt, anger, desperation and "I want the opposite of my ex-spouse" is really no way to conduct yourself at all with the opposite sex. And it's a particularly poor way to find a long-term relationship, if that's what you're truly seeking.



Actually I found the opposite to be true. If a person needs to take that long to know themselves by themselves, they were not doing any work on themselves while in their previous relationship. That means they were dialing in for years. I found it means this person has alot of issues. I now run if someone tells me they took a few years to find themselves. What happened? Were you lost? Somehow we have glorified people who take time after as if everyone needs to do it.

For me even in my marriage, I knew exactly whom I was and want I wanted. When I got out, I didnt rush into a relationship but I didnt need to develve inside myself because I already knew who I was.


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## anewstart60 (Sep 24, 2015)

bkyln309 said:


> Actually I found the opposite to be true. If a person needs to take that long to know themselves by themselves, they were not doing any work on themselves while in their previous relationship. That means they were dialing in for years. I found it means this person has alot of issues. I now run if someone tells me they took a few years to find themselves. What happened? Were you lost? Somehow we have glorified people who take time after as if everyone needs to do it.
> 
> For me even in my marriage, I knew exactly whom I was and want I wanted. When I got out, I didnt rush into a relationship but I didnt need to develve inside myself because I already knew who I was.


And I find the opposite again of what you say to be true bkyln309.
After being married for over 24 years you are not the same person you went in as. You evolve into what the couple dictates you to be. If you come out of a marriage that you were just dialing in for years just to survive and keep your sanity you will need the time to find (re-find) the true person you are, that won't be the same person you were when you entered the marriage but someone shaped more experiences and age.
In my case I needed and took 2 years to figure out what kind of person I was alone without a significant other. I had to become happy within myself before even thinking about bringing someone else into my life. For me it worked and I did find a wonderful woman recently that has reafirmed my faith in relationships and shown me what a relationship should and could be.
As other have said , coming out of the marriage I knew what I didn't want in a relationship and had a good idea of what I wanted but I wasn't anywhere near ready to be in a relationship yet.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bkyln309 said:


> Actually I found the opposite to be true. If a person needs to take that long to know themselves by themselves, they were not doing any work on themselves while in their previous relationship. That means they were dialing in for years. I found it means this person has alot of issues. I now run if someone tells me they took a few years to find themselves. What happened? Were you lost? Somehow we have glorified people who take time after as if everyone needs to do it.
> 
> For me even in my marriage, I knew exactly whom I was and want I wanted. When I got out, I didnt rush into a relationship but I didnt need to develve inside myself because I already knew who I was.


I think it's awesome that you were that together after your divorce. Not everyone is. I'd rather them spend the time figuring themselves out - even if it's just working on their own healing from a really heinous betrayal as in my case - than jump back into dating like divorcing from a decades-long relationship was no biggie. But, clearly that is not your own experience or your preference in a dating environment. And there's nothing wrong with that either, as long as you're aware that not everyone in the dating world has themselves together. 

Oh, and thanks so much for the implication that I must have been 'dialing in' during my marriage and therefore must have had 'alot of issues'.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"Many just seemed to be desperately afraid of being alone." Rowan

i think you hit the nail on the head with this. this in and of itself i think explains maybe the majority of failed relationships.

societal pressures and cultural advocacy tells us it is odd or wrong not to be coupled up.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

anewstart60 said:


> And I find the opposite again of what you say to be true bkyln309.
> After being married for over 24 years you are not the same person you went in as. You evolve into what the couple dictates you to be. If you come out of a marriage that you were just dialing in for years just to survive and keep your sanity you will need the time to find (re-find) the true person you are, that won't be the same person you were when you entered the marriage but someone shaped more experiences and age.
> In my case I needed and took 2 years to figure out what kind of person I was alone without a significant other. I had to become happy within myself before even thinking about bringing someone else into my life. For me it worked and I did find a wonderful woman recently that has reafirmed my faith in relationships and shown me what a relationship should and could be.
> As other have said , coming out of the marriage I knew what I didn't want in a relationship and had a good idea of what I wanted but I wasn't anywhere near ready to be in a relationship yet.


This is where we differ: No, I didnt evolve into what the couple dictated me to be. My ex and I were both very individual people. We had interests that did not include each other. I never lost myself to be his mate. For us, it was his secret spending that caused the destruction of the relationship. I left after 17 years because I knew I could no longer live with someone who had an addiction that he was not trying to tackle. By the time I got to divorcing him, I had processed all the junk. All the up, downs and other mess of my mind and emotions. The divorce process was the healthiest part of my journey. Talk about cleansing.


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## anewstart60 (Sep 24, 2015)

bkyln309 said:


> This is where we differ: No, I didnt evolve into what the couple dictated me to be. My ex and I were both very individual people. We had interests that did not include each other. I never lost myself to be his mate. For us, it was his secret spending that caused the destruction of the relationship. I left after 17 years because I knew I could no longer live with someone who had an addiction that he was not trying to tackle. By the time I got to divorcing him, I had processed all the junk. All the up, downs and other mess of my mind and emotions. The divorce process was the healthiest part of my journey. Talk about cleansing.


After being in a marriage for 24 years I don't see how I could be the same person as I was when it started regardless of having our individual interests, raising a family with someone definatley changes the person you were as far as I am concerned.
Leaving the marriage it takes time to learn what your new normal is. If I was in a potential relationship with someone that had just come out of a long marriage (less than a year) and thought they were ready to get into a LTR I would run for the hills.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

anewstart60 said:


> After being in a marriage for 24 years I don't see how I could be the same person as I was when it started regardless of having our individual interests, raising a family with someone definatley changes the person you were as far as I am concerned.
> Leaving the marriage it takes time to learn what your new normal is. If I was in a potential relationship with someone that had just come out of a long marriage (less than a year) and thought they were ready to get into a LTR I would run for the hills.


Oh I didnt do that. I was not looking for a LTR. I dated and had fun with it. I made it clear I was not. 

I am dating one man for a year now but there is no talk of marriage. We are simply monogamous. I have always had my own life (pre and post marriage). Maybe its because the ex travelled so much for work. 

But I was not broken when I divorced. I finally became my whole self.

I guess I am sick of hearing the line over and over again. Take time off and find your true self and heal. All this one line pop psychology advice does not fit everyone. One size does not fit all. I always respond. I was not broken. I know who I am and what I want. I spent enough time alone in the marriage with the ex travelling. I already figured it out. Divorce was not a time to grieve for me. I did that before the paperwork was filed. Divorce was about the freedom to live the life I deserved. Its probably different for someone who was blindsided by the divorce or cheated on but that is not my story.


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## anewstart60 (Sep 24, 2015)

bkyln309 said:


> Oh I didnt do that. I was not looking for a LTR. I dated and had fun with it. I made it clear I was not.
> 
> I am dating one man for a year now but there is no talk of marriage. We are simply monogamous. I have always had my own life (pre and post marriage). Maybe its because the ex travelled so much for work.
> 
> But I was not broken when I divorced. I finally became my whole self.


I wasn't implying you went into a LTR right out of the marriage and if it came across that way it was not intended. My point is that you aren't the same person after you come out of a long term marriage and your quote "*I finally became my whole self*" tells me you weren't the same either. 
It takes time to recover your "Whole self" and thinking people are being glorified for taking that time just sounds wrong to me. I agree not everyone may need as much time but I think we all need some.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bkyln309 said:


> Actually I found the opposite to be true. If a person needs to take that long to know themselves by themselves, they were not doing any work on themselves while in their previous relationship. That means they were dialing in for years. I found it means this person has alot of issues. I now run if someone tells me they took a few years to find themselves. What happened? Were you lost? Somehow we have glorified people who take time after as if everyone needs to do it.
> 
> For me even in my marriage, I knew exactly whom I was and want I wanted. When I got out, I didnt rush into a relationship but I didnt need to develve inside myself because I already knew who I was.


That's great for you. But talk about one line pop psychology - really? If you needed that long to know yourself, you weren't working on yourself in your relationship and just dialing it in? 
Maybe you were working on yourself but just wasn't working on some things you needed to be working on to prepare for a life post-divorce. 
I know I wasn't "dialing it in" while I was married. I was as devoted and loyal as a man could be. I thought I was doing everything to make the marriage better. It just wasn't so though. 
Just because you "work on yourself" doesn't mean the outcome will always be a better you. Look at the WAWs and cheaters. I am very sure they think they were "working on themselves" yet quite a few end up regretting the "work" they did on themselves. 
Then you have the angry bitter men and women who actually are working on themselves, but just not productively. Many of their actions end up making them more bitter and more angry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ynot, you seem to be getting more and more bitter as time passes. Your posts to others are getting more snarky and you seem extremely agitated. You were getting better for a while but it seems you are backsliding. Are you seeing any of this?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

My thoughts......

I have never thought the next relationship should be longer as time is not a measure of success. I have always been attracted to quality men, good men, non misogynists, hard working with good morals. What I did not have any clue about before was the importance of sexual compatibility. My core beliefs and being have not changed much throughout life which is pretty standard as who we are is set in childhood, not adulthood.

The biggest factor for each subsequent relationship lasting longer is my unfaltering belief that we should move on to something better, not the same or more incompatible. So add that to the lesson about sexual compatibility then my personal goal was to find a partner that not only aligned with my core beliefs, needs and wants but that was also sexually compatible. I found him and because we are such a great match then I have the strength to get through the not so great times because the basis of what we have is wonderful. It is my head that gets me through the rough times, not my heart.

If the next long term partner is not a better match than the previous then what is the point? That is what FWBs are for.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ynot, you seem to be getting more and more bitter as time passes. Your posts to others are getting more snarky and you seem extremely agitated. You were getting better for a while but it seems you are backsliding. Are you seeing any of this?


Actually, no I don't. I just take offense to being told I was just dialing it in because it took me longer to get over my divorce. I call my response enforcing boundaries. I accepted blame that I didn't deserve before. I am not willing to do it any longer. If you want to chalk that up to anger and/or bitterness have at it. 
I hardly see any "glorification" of those suffering, specifically men who suffer. Instead it seems to be a given that women are the "keepers of the relationship" and did communicate but men are just stupid, mouth breathing morons who were only interested in sex and food and just didn't get it. In the aftermath, it is men who have higher rates of depression and suicide. Mainly, what I see is the complete lack of acknowledgement that men are just as emotionally involved, probably more so than most women in fact. Then in the aftermath, they are told to just suck it up, because if it takes you years to recover from the loss of everything you held dear, you must have issues.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Actually, no I don't. I just take offense to being told I was just dialing it in because it took me longer to get over my divorce. I call my response enforcing boundaries. I accepted blame that I didn't deserve before. I am not willing to do it any longer. If you want to chalk that up to anger and/or bitterness have at it.
> I hardly see any "glorification" of those suffering, specifically men who suffer. Instead it seems to be a given that women are the "keepers of the relationship" and did communicate but men are just stupid, mouth breathing morons who were only interested in sex and food and just didn't get it. In the aftermath, it is men who have higher rates of depression and suicide. Mainly, what I see is the complete lack of acknowledgement that men are just as emotionally involved, probably more so than most women in fact. Then in the aftermath, they are told to just suck it up, because if it takes you years to recover from the loss of everything you held dear, you must have issues.



Years to recover from a loss is a major issue. If you are struggling that much for that long, you need to seek therapy. There is nothing wrong with that but that deep grief is indeed an issue that could prevent you from having a healthy relationship moving forward. Starting a new relationship during depression and grief is probably not in your best interest. But getting healthy and in a good place mentally is. No reason to get defensive. It is what is is.


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