# Is exposing the affair to the BS, and to their families and friends a good idea?



## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

My story can be pretty much summarized to this MM I met online more than a year ago that I had an unstoppable connection and attraction with and found out he was still married and was never divorced like he told me. We had an intense EA, lied to me nearly about everything, including his wife cheating on him with someone who's into drugs, pretending he was divorced and living with his roomates when in fact, both of them are all lies. I did a background check on him, paid a respectable website and got all the informations I needed including his real civil status and family members. When I confronted him about it, he still denied it instead of admitting and coming clean, and dumped me almost immediately saying we're better off as friends coz I was so far away (we live in 2 different continents) when a month ago, he's been promising to come visit me to marry me coz he said I was everything he ever wanted in a wife.

I then emailed on fb all of his family members and friends in his town, (and hers too!) informing them that he is a manipulative liar and a serial cheater pretending to be single and available online, complete with chat archives full with his I love you's and I can't wait to be with you and videos he sent where he was confessing his undying love for me. Instead of dumping him like I was expecting, his wife of 12 years was apologetic to me and decided to forgive and work it out with him coz she said, they have 3 small children together and for their sake, she has to put it behind her. I was speechless. I felt like my exposure didn't really do anything to harm him or get back at him for lying to me and manipulating me for so long. I mean if my own husband is confessing in a video how much he loves the OW, I'd pack my bags and leave immediately together with the kids. Plus the whole family and community knowing about the affair, I thought she would dump him but seems like she wasn't affected at all. And nope, she had no idea about the affair at all. When I informed her about it on fb, I could tell she was very hurt and mad about it. She also told me that I should also try to forgive him and just "get over it" and move on. I was flabbergasted for lack of a better term. I really want to crush him the way he crushed my heart and making me look like a stupid fool for almost 2 years we were talking together. And I'm starting to hate her too coz she thinks I should just forget it and not expect any apology or closure from her husband. I feel like my expose only broke my heart even more coz we are in NC for almost a month no and it's killing me. I am not sure how I can get over this when I invested so much time and emotion and if I will be able to trust any guys again. Help!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Would you want him if his wife left him ? Why is NC bothering you so much ?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You did the right thing. Different people handle things like this differently... and who knows.... he may very well be paying for it dearly behind closed doors. Just because she is nice online doesn't mean she is giving him leeway in real life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Despite all the lies and deception, I must admit I made a rookie mistake of exposing the affair hoping she would divorce him and not stay and he will come running back to me asking for forgiveness. As crazy and foolish as that sounds.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That is crazy and foolish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

I've talked with him everyday, for almost 2 years. Sometimes for 4 to 5 hours straight. We made plans and dreams together about our future, our wedding and even starting our own family. We did cybersex alot like any normal couple in long distance relationship and that intimacy brought us even more closer to each other. He told me many times I was his soul mate and true love and I told him he's everything I ever wanted in a partner. He can make no mistakes in my eyes and then all of these just happened in one swift recently so I'm still hurting as hell. I'm barely surviving everyday.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Your motives weren't good.

But you forgot a number of things. You said he's on a different continent. So that means it's very likely that his wife is fiscally dependent on him. If she divorces him (and while divorce laws in other countries LOOK fair, they seldom are for the women), she's cutting her own throat. She may not have a choice...and she gets to live with the humilitation you heaped on her head.

Because that is the results of your little "I'll make him come to me" missive. You humilitated this woman and her children to her family and friends. She owes you absolutely nothing. No good byes. No apologies. But she got a nice castor oil spoon of the truth. So now she can take steps.

But on the plus side, her brothers and dad are looking at him carrying large bludgeoning instruments and giving him unsettling looks. He is, as they say, on thin ice. 

Now, in public, the man might be getting high fives from the other men (See the guy who can seduce a silly American girl [assumption] over the internet?). In their hearts, they are keeping a CLOSE eye on their wives and daughters when he is around.

He's now known as a predator and untrustworthy.

So lick your wounds, stop going after married men.

As I recall from a cartoon in my childhood:



> Daughter: Momma all the single boys out there are JERKS and all the good guys are married!
> 
> Momma: That's because marriage is the process of turning jerks into good guys.


So go find yourself a good jerk. Nerds are good too. They appreciate it more.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Imagine how much pain his wife is in... the woman he vowed to be with for life.... they have 12 years together..... that's a lot longer then 2 ....I know it seemed like something special to you... but do you really think his wife would throw out 12 years invested in the relationship? Not to mention the family they created together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Totally agree with jcd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think the reality is he is married to the woman he is for a reason. There are plenty of people out there who will swallow tons of abuse. Abusers are excellent at identifying them. Much like a predator picking the weak animal from the heard.

Unfortunately for you, you're not going to get any satisfaction from exposing him for what he is. My guess is deep down she already knew. You're probably not the first victim of this guy and I would hazard a guess won't be the last.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> Despite all the lies and deception, I must admit I made a rookie mistake of exposing the affair hoping she would divorce him and not stay and he will come running back to me asking for forgiveness. As crazy and foolish as that sounds.


you want him after all that? 

You are in love with the image he projected. Not his actual self. Why are you so deluded?


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

why do you have to be so harsh? and yeah, the NC is hurting me so much coz I was so used to his presence each day and now, all of it are suddenly gone and it's killing me that we didn't even have any closure or I didn't get to ask him why he lied to me for so damn long.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> If my own husband is confessing in a video how much he loves the OW, I'd pack my bags and leave immediately together with the kids.


Are YOU married with children?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Honey here are the facts. You were duped into a relationship with a MM. He lied to you. That is what the BW is apologizing for. She realizes that you were lied to and is honest enough to tell you she is working on the marriage. This is the point that you bow out. You have done your best to expose him. EVERYONE now knows that he is a scumbag. Trust me when I say that there will be plenty of fallout.

The sad fact is that you probably exposed him in hopes that his BW would kick him out and come running to you. Affairs with MM rarely end this way. Your best bet is to just move on.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

nope, was just making the "if I was in her shoes" thing.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

More than likely the BS is just not giving hell to you. What he's getting is probably another story.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How can you possibly won't him? Everything he's said to you has been a huge act he put on. It's not him, it's this fake persona he plays at with you online.

The truth, this is a guy with small children who instead of loving his kids he is spending his time cheating online

He has lied up and down about his entire life to you.

and he's a cheater.

This guy isn't a man, he's a vile worm. Is that the kind of guy you would settle for?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> this MM I met online* more than a year ago* that I had an unstoppable connection and attraction with and *found out he was still married *and was never divorced like he told me. We had an intense EA, lied to me nearly about everything,
> 
> When I confronted him about it, he still denied it instead of admitting and coming clean, and dumped me almost immediately saying we're better off as friends *coz I was so far away (we live in 2 different continents) when a month ago, he's been promising to come visit me to marry me coz he said I was everything he ever wanted in a wife.*
> 
> ...


You only exposed with the intention of "harming" him and you wanted his wife to leave him/dump him. That is not the point of exposure. 

Why hate on the wife? She hasn't done anything to you. You are the one who carried on with her husband for a year or so (and you say you did find out he lied early on--yet you continued the affair). How you feel isn't her problem. She is the victim here. You willfully participated in betraying her marriage, even after knowing he lied to you and was still married. That's your fault. Own it.

I'm not sure why you feel you are owed "closure" or an "apology." You at some point found out he was married but you CHOSE to continue having an affair with him. So that is on you, dear.

None of this absolves the lying husband though. He was totally wrong to do what he did and drag you in with lise and worst of all, lie to his wife and family. They've decided to stick it out. you need to fall back. Move on with your life. Next time: don't get involved with married men.

Also, anyone you meet "online" (from a different continent, no less!) who chats over a keyboad for a year and promises to marr you, who you've never met, cause you're "all they have ever wanted in a wife" is talking massive amounts of bullsh!t. Time for a reality check. Try having a real relationship with someone in the flesh. Who's single.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you ever even meet this dude? Two years?!


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Nope we have never met in person. We were supposed to meet in a few months before all of these happened. I didn't know he was still married until recently, after I did the background check (if you were even paying attention). He went missing online for a few weeks and I got extremely worried, and then when he showed up again and came up with a very ridiculous excuse that made me suspicious and resort to PI (his excuse was he got arrested but later on I found out he just went on a family vacation) For almost 2 years, he was posing as a divorced man until I got him busted.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I forgot to mention that you have no right to be angry at his BW. You got an apology from her about her WS's behavior. That is more than I would have giving you.

*And I'm starting to hate her too coz she thinks I should just forget it and not expect any apology or closure from her husband.*

Most BSs demand NC from their WS. That is exactly what it means. NO CONTACT!!! NO APOLOGY!!! He should be saving all his apologizes for his BW. 

You do have closure...you had it the moment you figured out he was married. Or how about when he lied saying he was arrested but was on a family vacation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> Nope we have never met in person.


Again--when you have never met a man before, why would you carry on with him this long? That is ridiculous, no offense.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Some of you are advertising this "Letter to OM/OW" on your signature and then I wanted an apology for my own sanity and peace of mind from the ONE who lied to me for so long and I should respect NC. 


We met online. People do develop feelings online especially when you talk to that person every single day. It's no different from having an EA with a childhood sweetheart you have lost contact with for 15 years.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> Some of you are advertising this "Letter to OM/OW" on your signature and then I wanted an apology for my own sanity and peace of mind from the ONE who lied to me for so long and I should respect NC.
> 
> 
> We met online. People do develop feelings online especially when you talk to that person every single day. It's no different from having an EA with a childhood sweetheart you have lost contact with for 15 years.


Get over it! You got the apology, just not from him. You are never going to get it from him without her freaking out on you. You are now aware that he is a MM. HE IS OFF LIMITS FOR ANY COMMUNICATION!!!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

We met online. People do develop feelings online especially when you talk to that person every single day. It's no different from having an EA with a childhood sweetheart you have lost contact with for 15 years. 

*Your relationship was built on LIES!!!! I call bull**** on the develope "feelings" for someone online. It is more like you develope a FANTASY. Let this be a life lesson. Find someone you can see and talk with everyday, not some man on another continent.*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> Some of you are advertising this "Letter to OM/OW" on your signature and then I wanted an apology for my own sanity and peace of mind from the ONE who lied to me for so long and I should respect NC.


By "some of you" I think you mean ME and the letter you cited is meant to be a letter to the OTHER MAN or OTHER WOMAN. That's not you. You ARE the Other Woman in this case.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

underwater2010 said:


> We met online. People do develop feelings online especially when you talk to that person every single day. It's no different from having an EA with a childhood sweetheart you have lost contact with for 15 years.
> 
> *Your relationship was built on LIES!!!! I call bull**** on the develope "feelings" for someone online. It is more like you develope a FANTASY. Let this be a life lesson. Find someone you can see and talk with everyday, not some man on another continent.*


:iagree: 

You cannot at all compare a fantasy cyber "relationship" with a real life person who you know from childhood.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Yes, it's a crappy situation for you. You were lied to and deceived. And for 2 years, you were morally neutral in what you did.

But you found out. He's married. He's taken. His time, body and mind are pledged elsewhere.

At that point, you dropped off the moral middle ground into the pits.

You tried to get him divorced so YOU could have him. Think about that. Think HARD. What does that make you? It makes you a home wrecker. A predator. I would like you to imagine walking up to his two little kids and saying "Hi. I'm going to take your daddy, his love and his money away from you. Please try to get over it quickly because I plan on having his baby soon and he won't have any room in his life for you."

THAT is what you feel into being. It's not pretty.

BTW, hiring a PI? REALLY? That sounds a bit...stalkerlike to me. I think your subconscious KNEW he was taking you for a ride (and not the good kind with body fluids involved) and it made you do this.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Wow some of you CAN be really mean and harsh. I should have never posted here my story and just continue lurking. It's one thing to tell it as it is but being *****y about it? Was that really necessary?

And I wasn't aware that developing feelings online who lives in another country isn't possible. No wonder there's a lot of couples who met online and ended up getting married. Their marriages must be all a sham.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

No. It's possible. I developed feelings for another woman online.

I was wrong.

I get how bonded you can get just from the words you say, much less the videos and such. Totally get it.

You are in love with him.

But you stated your motives clearly. You wouldn't have been sad if he dumped her or got dumped and he came to you. Because you still love him.

Of course you do. But you need to leave that behind. It's fake. He USED you. He did.

It will take time to get over it. But you need to start.

It's taken 9 months and I still want to contact her. So this takes time.

The anger you should feel isn't at the wife. It isn't us. It's the husband. But he made you feel SO GOOD. I get it. 

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nobody here is being mean or harsh.

You posted on an open forum and wanted advice/opinions so you are getting them.

The truth does hurt. The fact is, you had a pseudo-online relationship with a married man who you never met for two yrs. You exposed his affair only so that his wife would dump him and he'd run of with you, a woman he's never met before. When you didn't get the result you wanted, you felt bad/angry/even more rejected.

Those are the facts, as posted by you.

We are telling you to move on. Find a single guy. Don't waste time with online "relationships." When you find out a guy is married in the future, keep walking. When you find out a guy has lied to you about being married in the future, keep walking. When you only have a "relationship" online in the future, keep walking.

It's pretty simple.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

I exposed it mainly because I was pissed off how he treated me like a garbage right after I told him I knew the truth. He dumped me almost instantly and told me we should just be friends when a month before that, he was telling me how much he couldn't live without me. I guess the secret being out in the open is no longer exciting for him and I knew he was very scared I'd tell the wife so that's what I exactly did and more and he rightfully deserved it. I gave him a chance to come clean on our last chat, and he still decided to deny and lie and that drove me crazy coz I told him I have proof already. Do I want him back? Yes especially after all the time and emotion I've invested for so long, it's really not that easy to let go. My world revolved around him and we were making plans already to be together in PERSON and also to get married. If he would only apologize to me or tell me why he did what he did, I would probably able to move on and heal quickly but his wife telling me to just "get over it and move on coz I will never get any closure or apology from him", that's kinda screwed up to think he's probably still be cheating on her (probably with another girl) if I didn't tell her what her husband is doing behind her back. She didn't do me wrong, her husband did so I don't need her apologizing for him.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I was a bit harsh. But I wanted to remove the candy floss from the situation. 

I don't think you were totally serious about your intentions about getting divorced...but I don't think you were totally kidding either. I still run fantasies in my head about my OW. How life would change. But I inject some reality too. How do I tell my kids I'm leaving their mother. How do I meet HER parents etc.

So having a bit of reality injected (even with a bit of sandpaper) is good.

I don't think you WANT to be a homewrecker. But you got wrapped up emotionally with the wrong guy. That sometimes makes people consider scuzzy things.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> I exposed it mainly because I was pissed off how he treated me like a garbage right after I told him I knew the truth. He dumped me almost instantly and told me we should just be friends when a month before that, he was telling me how much he couldn't live without me. I guess the secret being out in the open is no longer exciting for him and I knew he was very scared I'd tell the wife so that's what I exactly did and more and he rightfully deserved it. I gave him a chance to come clean on our last chat, and he still decided to deny and lie and that drove me crazy coz I told him I have proof already. Do I want him back? Yes especially after all the time and emotion I've invested for so long, it's really not that easy to let go. My world revolved around him and we were making plans already to be together in PERSON and also to get married. If he would only apologize to me or tell me why he did what he did, I would probably able to move on and heal quickly but his wife telling me to just "get over it and move on coz I will never get any closure or apology from him", that's kinda screwed up to think he's probably still be cheating on her (probably with another girl) if I didn't tell her what her husband is doing behind her back. She didn't do me wrong, her husband did so I don't need her apologizing for him.


I think you got an appropriate revenge on him for doing you wrong.

But a guy who will LIE to you for TWO YEARS is an amoral scoundrel and he's probably only sad he was caught and you made him PAY for his sins.

That is the best you can expect. He's a rat and rats dont' have souls.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

You're totally cool JCD, so it's okay but I just have a bit of a problem with people who belittling and questioning the possibility of falling in love with someone online whom they've never met when there's thousands of dating sites around promoting exactly that and actual couples who met online and have successful marriages are the living testimonials/proof that it actually could happen. and is possible.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> nope, was just making the "if I was in her shoes" thing.


The thing is, you are NOT in her shoes. Only SHE knows how to react to HER husband's betrayal. Maybe she will rug sweep it. Maybe she will not. He may be getting hell from her at home. The point is, he is her husband, so it is HER call how SHE handles it, not yours.



stillcoping said:


> Some of you are advertising this "Letter to OM/OW" on your signature and then I wanted an apology for my own sanity and peace of mind from the ONE who lied to me for so long and I should respect NC.


The "Letter to OW/OM" is to be SENT to the OW/OM, not for the OW to send to the betrayed spouse. YOU were not the one he betrayed. His wife was. SHE apologized for his behavior. That is all you are going to get. 



stillcoping said:


> We met online. People do develop feelings online especially when you talk to that person every single day. It's no different from having an EA with a childhood sweetheart you have lost contact with for 15 years.


I agree, an EA with someone 1000+ miles away, in a different country is no different from an EA with a childhood sweetheart or a coworker. Each is equally devastating to a marriage. But the point is, it is up to the SPOUSES to choose how to handle it, not the OW/OM (that would be you).



stillcoping said:


> Wow some of you CAN be really mean and harsh. I should have never posted here my story and just continue lurking. It's one thing to tell it as it is but being *****y about it? Was that really necessary?
> 
> And I wasn't aware that developing feelings online who lives in another country isn't possible. No wonder there's a lot of couples who met online and ended up getting married. Their marriages must be all a sham.


Hmmm that would mean my own marriage of 12 years is a sham. I can assure you, it is not. I met my husband online. He lived 1000+ miles away. I also met my EAs online. Never met in person. So, yes, it is very easy to fall for someone you have never met in person. The difference between my husband and EA partner? My husband was single when we met. My former EA and I are both married. The right thing to do was expose to the spouse. Not to have him for myself, but to keep him (hopefully) from doing it again. And that's why I told my own parents about mine...to keep me accountable.

Do yourself a favor. Find a single man, and verify it immediately, so you don't repeat this fiasco in the future.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> You're totally cool JCD, so it's okay but I just have a bit of a problem with people who belittling and questioning the possibility of falling in love with someone online whom they've never met when there's thousands of dating sites around promoting exactly that and actual couples who met online and have successful marriages are the living testimonials/proof that it actually could happen. and is possible.


We see people fall into online emtions here EVERY DAY. 

It's addictive. We only see what we are shown and what we imagine for the future. So it's rosier and glossier then a real human being who snores and says cutting remarks on occasion.

That being said, yes, you are emotionally fragile right now. 

So take this advice:

Start to see the man as a rat. Imagine little rat ears on the videos he showed you. Delete his emails. Delete his texts. Delete his videos. Delete the songs he sent you.

I know it's an ego pick me up to have these things around if you ever feel alone and unwanted. But it won't do your soul any good in the long run.

Find a flesh and blood person.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

I totally get the purpose of "Letter to OM/OW" and I don't intend to send it to his BW at all. I was just pointing out how I wanted a closure of some form from my xMM and some of these women were saying I should understand and respect the meaning of NC, meaning I should not expect any closure whatsoever in any form, and yet have this "Letter to OM/OW" on their profile signatures. Thought that was kinda ironic. 

Well, thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond without coming off too hard. Everything happened just recently so I am not really in a good state right now, at least emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm sincerely happy that they chose to work it out for those little kids' sake but at the same time, I can't help but feel like I ended up being the sole loser in this entire saga coz it didn't really get anything from it aside from losing him permanently and it's pretty hard coz eventhough we've never met in person, losing him was just as devastating as losing someone in a normal relationship. And yes, people can and DO actually fall inlove online. Thought I'd point that out again.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> I totally get the purpose of "Letter to OM/OW" and I don't intend to send it to his BW at all. I was just pointing out how I wanted a closure of some form from my xMM and some of these women were saying I should understand and respect the meaning of NC, meaning I should not expect any closure whatsoever in any form, and yet have this "Letter to OM/OW" on their profile signatures. Thought that was kinda ironic.
> 
> Well, thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond without coming off too hard. Everything happened just recently so I am not really in a good state right now, at least emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm sincerely happy that they chose to work it out for those little kids' sake but at the same time, I can't help but feel like I ended up being the sole loser in this entire saga coz it didn't really get anything from it aside from losing him permanently and it's pretty hard coz eventhough we've never met in person, losing him was just as devastating as losing someone in a normal relationship. And yes, people can and DO actually fall inlove online. Thought I'd point that out again.


Which is why we try to teach our daughters to be careful.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Exactly and doing a background check on someone isn't "stalker-ish" at all especially IF you're planning to have a future with that person. My only regret was not doing it earlier than I should. I could have saved myself so much hurt and trouble. And precious time.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> Wow some of you CAN be really mean and harsh. I should have never posted here my story and just continue lurking. It's one thing to tell it as it is but being *****y about it? Was that really necessary?
> 
> And I wasn't aware that developing feelings online who lives in another country isn't possible. No wonder there's a lot of couples who met online and ended up getting married. Their marriages must be all a sham.


Ok, you are coming off very naive(no offense). Can I ask you if you were very sheltered when growing up ? Could it be that you did not have many relationships before this guy ?

How many relationships did you have before this guy ? And how old are you ?


You are in a vulnerable position now. Your affair will easily resume if he contacts you back and starts lying again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> I exposed it mainly because I was pissed off how he treated me like a garbage right after I told him I knew the truth. He dumped me almost instantly and told me we should just be friends when a month before that, he was telling me how much he couldn't live without me. I guess the secret being out in the open is no longer exciting for him and I knew he was very scared I'd tell the wife so that's what I exactly did and more and he rightfully deserved it. I gave him a chance to come clean on our last chat, and he still decided to deny and lie and that drove me crazy coz I told him I have proof already. Do I want him back? Yes especially after all the time and emotion I've invested for so long, it's really not that easy to let go. My world revolved around him and we were making plans already to be together in PERSON and also to get married. If he would only apologize to me or tell me why he did what he did, I would probably able to move on and heal quickly but his wife telling me to just "get over it and move on coz I will never get any closure or apology from him", that's kinda screwed up to think he's probably still be cheating on her (probably with another girl) if I didn't tell her what her husband is doing behind her back. She didn't do me wrong, her husband did so I don't need her apologizing for him.


Have you heard about Sunk cost fallacy

Look at this passage



> sunk-cost fallacy
> When one makes a hopeless investment, one sometimes reasons: I can’t stop now, otherwise what I’ve invested so far will be lost. This is true, of course, but irrelevant to whether one should continue to invest in the project. Everything one has invested is lost regardless. If there is no hope for success in the future from the investment, then the fact that one has already lost a bundle should lead one to the conclusion that the rational thing to do is to withdraw from the project.
> 
> To continue to invest in a hopeless project is irrational. Such behavior may be a pathetic attempt to delay having to face the consequences of one's poor judgment. The irrationality is a way to save face, to appear to be knowledgeable, when in fact one is acting like an idiot. For example, it is now known that Lyndon Johnson kept committing thousands and thousands of U.S. soldiers to Vietnam after he had determined that the cause was hopeless and that the U.S. would not win the war (McMaster 1998: 309). George W. Bush continues to argue that thousands more soldiers and billions more dollars be committed to the war on Iraq, despite the fact that the preponderance of the evidence indicates not only that the war can't be won but that the U.S. has no definite idea of what winning even means here.
> ...


taken from this page http://www.skepdic.com/sunkcost.html


You want him back, not that you particularly like him but because you invested so much emotion and energy into him(Maybe money too). Or maybe you hate the rejection and how he discarded you so easily.

But just think about what you are winning if she leaves him. A compulsive pathological liar who cheats on his wife and kids


Maybe you should get some counseling . Do any of your friends and family know about this ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> You're totally cool JCD, so it's okay but I just have a bit of a problem with people who belittling and questioning the possibility of falling in love with someone online whom they've never met when there's thousands of dating sites around promoting exactly that and actual couples who met online and have successful marriages are the living testimonials/proof that it actually could happen. and is possible.


People don't have a problem with that..This is an online community itself. 


but 2 years is a long time to not meet a person..take this as a learning experience


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> I totally get the purpose of "Letter to OM/OW" and I don't intend to send it to his BW at all. I was just pointing out how I wanted a closure of some form from my xMM and *some of these women *were saying I should understand and respect the meaning of NC, *meaning I should not expect any closure whatsoever in any form, and yet have this "Letter to OM/OW" on their profile signatures. Thought that was kinda ironic.*


You can call me out instead of talking around in circles about "some women/some people" and then talking about the link on *MY* profile signature. You can use my name, it's not hard.

I am not at all into the IRONY of talking about and around someone when you can just point blank call out their name.

Again, the letter is *to* the OM or OW *from* the betrayed spouse. That is NOT you. You are the OW. You are the woman that helped betray a marriage and have an affair for two years with a married man. I'm not sure what you don't understand about that. 

Having "Closure for ther OM/OW" is not the point of the link on my signature. You read and re-read the signature until you understand it because clearly you are comparing two totally different things.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Back off a bit Jellybeans

Here is the appropriate quote:



> My story can be pretty much summarized to this MM I met online more than a year ago that I had an unstoppable connection and attraction with and *found out he was still married and was never divorced like he told me*. We had an intense EA, lied to me nearly about everything, including his wife cheating on him with someone who's into drugs, *pretending he was divorced and living with his roomates when in fact, both of them are all lies. *


She didn't know she was breaking up a marriage until recently. 

Granted, her motives after that weren't the purest, hence the anger. She's been pumped and dumped without getting her NC letter. She wants her NC letter for closure. But she isn't getting it. His wife took care of her.

She's still hurt and resentful for being used like this and wants him to admit his crappulance like a man. Too bad he lacks that character.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I know that I am being harsh, but you need to understand reality. Please take it with a grain of salt. You are worthy of so much more than this piece of ****.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I have heard a lot of women become an affair partner because of these sites. I am just asking you to be aware that MM troll them too. Be extra careful in the future and save yourself the heartache you are suffering from now.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

To be honest, I don't really pay attention to everyone's names, no offense meant if I didn't single you out or call out or something. At my current state, everything seems to be blurred to me. All I can say is I suggest you read the ENTIRE thread first before you go off like that to a newbie. My post about the whole "OM&OW letter" is pretty clear so I'm not really sure what YOU don't understand about that. 

And for the record, I wasn't asking for a literal (No Contact)NC letter. I had so many why and how questions in my head that needs to be answered and I feel like my head will explode any minute now because of those questions. Plus he really owes me a major apology for making me look like a stupid fool for so long. I'm glad that she has such a forgiving heart and that he and his wife seemed to have patched things up and my expose made their marriage stronger but me being cut off like that from the whole scene so abruptly left a really bad taste. It's hard to move on when you so have so many questions left unanswered and you were being told to just "get over" the whole thing. I get that he has no morals but I thought people are still civilized and have a little bit of compassion in them?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Plus he really owes me a major apology for making me look like a stupid fool for so long


If he is such a decent guy, you wouldn't be in this position now. The guy is a coward and will not apologize to you. he will hide behind his wife and NC.

And just reminding you, if he has your stuff (nude pics and videos), make sure that he deletes them permanently.

How old are you OP ?


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

We're both 30 and nope, he's too dumb to know how to save a copy of those stuff.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> We're both 30 and nope, he's too dumb to know how to save a copy of those stuff.


Guess what....my FWH (35 at the time) did not delete her pics and videos. I now have them just in case she shows back up.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stillcoping said:


> We're both 30 and nope, he's too dumb to know how to save a copy of those stuff.


Well, he fooled you for 2 years, didn't he? 


How many relationships did you have before this guy ?

How did you meet him online? Was it a dating site?


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any copies. Even if he does, who cares? I have pics (and videos) of him here too and some were already sent to his wife and family. I only did it with him because I loved and trusted him THAT much and I was pretty sure we were going to have a future together. At least that's what I was lead to believe. What's with these questions by the way?

And nope, I am NOT ugly by any means and have no problem getting a date here in person, for someone up above who made a post about me walking away coz online relationship is all I could have (or something to that effect, couldn't care less to scroll up again). I just thought I found my soulmate in him and he just happens to be 5000 miles away. That's that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> What's with these questions by the way?


Because this



warlock07 said:


> Ok, you are coming off very naive(no offense). Can I ask you if you were very sheltered when growing up ? Could it be that you did not have many relationships before this guy ?
> 
> How many relationships did you have before this guy ? And how old are you ?
> 
> ...



I asked this in a post earlier.



> And nope, I am NOT ugly by any means and have no problem getting a date here in person


a date is different from a relationship..


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Age or the amount of d!cks you had isn't a really good indicator of life experience. I would say I'm more gullible than naive but then again, when you've been talking to a person everyday, you tend to trust them blindly and learn the harsh reality only much, much later.

I'm pretty aware they are different. The post was intended to someone above who kinda went overboard with her hatred or something. One thing I've learned in life, if I had a sh!tty day or had a terrible life experience, I try to avoid going online to spread negativity or being a smartass just for the hell of it. Some people are going through personal crap and not really used to this type of environment so a bit of sensitivity chip would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

stillcoping

In my experience there are judgemental people whose s**t don't stink on every forum. Best bet is to ignore people who you feel are attacking you. They aren't going away. Engaging them only prolongs the ill feelings.

The emotions you're going through are the same as anyone who has had their reality changed. What you thought was one thing turned out to be something completely different. It's hard to get a handle on and it's natural to want answers. 

One thing I've learned in life is in some situations you will never receive a satisfactory answer. Harder said then done but in those situations you have to accept you will not get an answer and move on. I would suggest this is one of those situations.


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## thesecretaccount (Oct 29, 2012)

I can imagine how the wife is feeling. She's been cheated on and you're out to make her life even more miserable.

Be a good person and just let it go. You're just wasting your time and hurting other people who don't deserve your hate.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

To OP, you've got a number f people here trying to be kind to you, and you've been kids harsh to them.

I'm very bother bothered by the real fact that you don't feel bad for being the OW, and that your most upset that he dumped you fit his own wife and that your attempt to break them up failed. And that you would take him if she threw him out.

He's a cheater.

You were anoint he dark OW, ok you get a pass on for that period, but since discovering he is a married cheater your actions and desires have not been honorable or ok, wanting to wreck his marriage so you can have him is not ok. You're moving from being a victim of his lies to being a predator.

Find some new activities and people to connect with. Move on, and grow beyond the way you are letting this drive you to act.

You'll be happier and respect yourself for it.


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

You aren't in her shoes...I am the W in almost the same situation but she is a better woman than I am because if I communicated with the OW I wouldn't have apologized for my H mistake. 

NC in your situation should help you get over him, maybe try find someone on your own continent that you can actually see everyday?


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

stillcoping said:


> I just thought I found my soulmate in him and he just happens to be 5000 miles away. That's that.


Soulmates are an email address a dozen. There are thousands out there.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Wow this went for four pages.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Some of you need to put your anger and personal betrayal aside when responding to these threads. The girl came on here to talk about a situation that she did not cause, and a lot of responders treater her like the enemy.

Take a deep breath before responding sometimes.

She soundsl like a girl who got played and is hurting. Let's not be to high and mighty now...we've all been hurt.


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## Penny_Lane (Nov 2, 2012)

I think you did the correct thing in bringing all this to light. I'm sorry you didn't get the response you imagined but....

Having/living a life with lies should not be a desired way to live, right? Which is what was happening to you.

I know your heart got involved but if you think about it, did it ever really feel right? This isn't what you dreamed of for yourself is it? To be involved with a married man?
That scenario means someone, somewhere is going to get hurt, badly. This time it was you. 

IMO, the best thing that can come from this is for you to learn something valuable, useful, wise for your future.
And if I could ask, so you could think about it, in your dreams do you imagine you're with a man who, while he was with you, was lying to his wife? Think about what that says about HIS character. And you want someone who's character is better than that, right?
I hope, for you, this is over. It's ugly, sad drama and who needs more of it anyway.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The point of exposure isn't causing pain but repairing damage. I'm sure his wife is hurting. I'm sure he is hearing plenty about this from others. Even if he isn't, at least his wife knows what mind of jerk she married. Maybe it will somehow help the kids to not grow up in the shadow of such deceit. Maybe he will change his ways. Maybe he will continue and not get his karma for a long time while you ache. However...at least you know, now, that this ********* isn't worth your time and can move on with your life.

Sorry you got duped, but at least you were decent about it. Maybe something good will come your way.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Don't look for an apology from him or anything else. Do your best to understand that you were just an online fantasy game to him. The person you thought he was is not really him. The person you thought he was might exist elsewhere in life, but it isn't him. You love the function he served. He to you what you wanted to hear and lied to you. He will not apologize to you or behave like a decent moral man. He conned you out of your time and your intimacy so he could get his rocks off. You were used.

I know you are having a hard time accepting that this was t real, because it felt real to you, but no amount of anger or spite or delusion or denial will change reality. He pretended to love you because it was fun for him. In truth, he's married and has kids and is done with you. Look at the man behind the curtain. He isn't what he presented.

You need to detox from this. Get out of your place sometimes. Go out and meet real life people. Get offline. You are likely to lapse back into these feelings if you don't act now, only this time, you will be knowingly getting hurt. He might be capable of being your Mr Right, but he isn't willing. For your sake, let him go and move on.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

It sounds like you can love a real man, I hope you find one that deserves it. Dont worry about his life any longer.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Thanks sinnister. If I didn't know better, I swear some of these people have personal vendetta against me. It almost feels like they hate me or something. I was a lurker of this forum for a very long time before I decided to post my story coz I had apprehensions and was so afraid to be judged but I am glad some people here are kind enough to answer my questions nicely without appearing like bitter jerks.


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