# This Seaparation is KILLING me :(



## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

:frown2::frown2::frown2:

Me and my wife have been separated for 8 months just about, we were together for 8 years and married for 3 and we have two young daughters. We were having a rough time last summer (work, money ETC) and she just up and asked for a divorce, I was crushed! I moved out hoping the space would make things better but it only made things worse! I've had a complete mental breakdown to the point where I go to therapy to cope and Im on medication for depression.

in early January we decided to "date" and try to reconnect with eachother, for some reason I could never trust it fully she was like two people, when we were alone it was kisses and "we'll be a family again" promises but in front of her friends she was cold distant we were just "friends"

a couple months ago I found out that leading up to the split she was having an Affair I had pictures as proof (crushed again) when I confronted her with what I learned she flat out denied it so I was forced to show her the photos she then laughed in my face and revealed t me that she has a boyfriend that she's been seeing the whole time we were datingcryingwho is A WHOLE NEW GUY besides the affair I could have died my heart was shattered she then told me she just wants to be friends the next day she had this man at OUR house around my daughters I almost lost it.

after the revelation, I blocked her off all social media except FB messenger so I can video chat our girls, I told her that outside of our girls I desire no type of relationship with her though I would always remain respectful to her. Since then she has been pushing for this friendship thing though I've told her 3 times I just want to raise our children and be left alone its like she doesn't care for my feelings at all I'm hurting daily and have been for 8 months! I cry myself to sleep, its on my mind all day at work, I just want to stop hurting and whats worse is I constantly yearn for her and question my resolve towards the boundaries I've set.....

I still in love with her her and Im affraid I'll be alone It feels like I'll never get over this


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

File for divorce and start dating. Nothing helps heartache like a new chick.


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

Im no where near confident or emotionally ready for that


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Why aren't you confident?

No money? Short? Bald? Fat? 

Let's get honest.

You should have the confidence and alpha inside you to expose (including your kids if old enough), kick her to the curb, and go find a girl that respects you.

No loss here, keep communication with her only about parenting.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> Im no where near confident or emotionally ready for that


Fake it till you make it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> Im no where near confident or emotionally ready for that


The longer you wallow in this limbo the worse your going to feel. Ready or not you should file for divorce and start healing yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like you're going to do nothing and hope this just fixes itself.

No magic here sport. You go your own way and go as no contact as you can.

Friends are loyal, honest and trustworthy. She's not even in the ballpark


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It seems to be a common story that when separation is elected instead of divorce, one of the spouses is having an affair and wants the freedom to spend more time with their lover, even have them stay overnight. The spouse left behind becomes the security blanket to fall back onto in case things do not work out with their new lover, or other future lovers. Your wife is dangling the bait in front of you to keep you on the hook until she does not need her security blanket anymore. 

That is just my opinion based on what happened to married couples I knew over the last 45 years. Your situation could be different. She could still love you but just wants to date other men and not have you around her. Are her kisses worth being her security blanket? Ask yourself. You need to stop viewing yourself as half of a couple and move on. Separation is a stepping stone to divorce for those too afraid to cut the chord. It reminds of of the story about the man on vacation who calls his brother to ask about his cat. His brother tells him that the cat is dead. The man is devastated. He tells his brother that he could have let him down easy. Say the cat was on the fire escape, then fell and was treated in an animal hospital. Then the next time I call you could have told me the cat had a 505/50 chance of recovery. Finally when I called again you could have told me that the cat died. The brother agreed and the man ask about their mother. He was told that his mother went on the fire escape.... This story reminds me of a separation. Let em down easy and give them hope.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

First mistake was moving out I hope you are not paying the bills for two places.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> :frown2::frown2::frown2:
> 
> Me and my wife have been separated for 8 months just about, we were together for 8 years and married for 3 and we have two young daughters. We were having a rough time last summer (work, money ETC) and she just up and asked for a divorce, I was crushed! I moved out hoping the space would make things better but it only made things worse! I've had a complete mental breakdown to the point where I go to therapy to cope and Im on medication for depression.
> 
> ...


*She literally had ripped your guts wide open, doused it with gasoline, set it ablaze, then for good measure, spat in it!

What in the hell allegiance do you feel that you owe her? 

You need to be off in a good "piranha" family attorney's office to file for divorce from an unrepentant scourge like her, and to file for custody of those precious daughters of yours!*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> :frown2::frown2::frown2:
> 
> Me and my wife have been separated for 8 months just about, we were together for 8 years and married for 3 and we have two young daughters. We were having a rough time last summer (work, money ETC) and she just up and asked for a divorce, I was crushed! I moved out hoping the space would make things better but it only made things worse! I've had a complete mental breakdown to the point where I go to therapy to cope and Im on medication for depression.
> 
> ...


IJM, I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Your WW is a piece of work and is no longer the woman you married, she has treated you callously and you should do all in your power to cut all contact with her except for the children.

You made a mistake in moving out, why should you move out , you did nothing wrong, she should have moved out as she was having the affair. Do you own your home? If so talk to the lawyer and see whether you should move back in again, do not make it easy for her.

You have to man up, your wife as you knew her is gone, she is a callous ***** now and doesn't care about you.
Take back control and treat her as if she is nothing, you owe her nothing, stop being Mr Nice Guy.

Please go get into counselling to deal with what you are going through, IC for yourself.
Start to focus on yourself, go to the gym, take care of yourself
Go and see a lawyer and file for divorce, your WW is a liar and a cheat and is not going to change, she needs to see that you are not going to be her Plan B and you will no longer play her game. She has no respect for you and has led you on for some time now. It is time to stop all of this and cut her out of your life
Tell your families and friends what she has done, it is her shame to carry, expose her and the OM. If your know the OM GF or wife, expose to them also

How old are you?
It may seem like the end of the world now but you will get through this and come out stronger.
Make sure that you cover all bases with the lawyer, child custody sharing, etc.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

First of all, separation and divorce suck. It's okay to wallow in self pity for a little while, but at some point you need to realize that you still have a life and you need to go live it. Go be the best Dad you can! Let your daughters see the man you really are.

As mentioned by others, your wife is gone. You are her plan "B" when her other love interests don't pan out. Do you really want to be her sloppy seconds?

You are in counseling, use that time to focus on the path you need to move forward. Set some goals and milestones to try and get your mind into a better place where it is okay to be yourself and be able to live on your own. You may love your wife but she doesn't love you anymore. Believe it or not, there are a lot of other women out there who would be interested in you. But you have shutdown the pity party and move on. Use this as a lesson learned in life to make yourself a better person. This is not all your fault. Nobody is or was forcing your wife to have an affair, that is/was her OWN choice. 

Be the Dad that your girls need you to be, you need to fight for them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I know you probably wont believe it, but your life is going to get better now. If you honestly look back at the life you think you are missing, you will realize how much of it has been unhappy. Now everything is up to you, and there is no one burdening you with their unhappiness.

EDIT: Oh, and DO NOT let her be your "friend". Only communicate regarding your kids, period. Otherwise, NO contact with her. You can learn to co-parent amicably without having to be her buddy.


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

BURNT KEP said:


> First mistake was moving out I hope you are not paying the bills for two places.


I know that now, at the time though.....(sigh)


but no i dont pay the bills there anymore


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

C3156 said:


> First of all, separation and divorce suck. It's okay to wallow in self pity for a little while, but at some point you need to realize that you still have a life and you need to go live it. Go be the best Dad you can! Let your daughters see the man you really are.
> 
> As mentioned by others, your wife is gone. You are her plan "B" when her other love interests don't pan out. Do you really want to be her sloppy seconds?
> 
> ...


thank you so much


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

IJM many of us have and still are walking this path.
You're dealing with an un remorseful abusive peice of manure. You don't see it now but you will in time, she did you a favour and set you free. 

A few things you'll come to realise

First Google and print off the 180
let it be your mantra for dealing with your soon to be ex wife.

When someone shows you who they really are beleive them.

You're in shock, pain and a pool of emotion right now. Lean on people a bit, friends family and talk with your boss about things confidentially so you can ease up on work a little.

Try to carry on as normal with routine, work, getting up, going out, socialising. Walking, exercise. Sleep and eat well.

The person who you were married to doesn't exist, maybe never did. Instead you are dealing with an out and out narcissist. The only way to extract the poison? Boundaries set strong and firm walls, no comms, only about kids. This is the golden goose on to healing.

Change passwords to everything you have, shut down anything jointly connected to your ex partner. Go get legal advice and get the show on the road with divorce.

She's a manipulator and abuser, think if this was happening to your friend, parent or child, you wouldn't stand for it and wish to give them practical advice. We're all here to help and support you with this.

You will get there chap, God bless you, and hugs to you and your children.

Keep talking to us here, and in time you will get through this. Like a page in a book, this page will turn and in time good things will happen for you.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I tried to reconcile in the wake of my wife's affair; it didn't work and so I left, filed for divorce, moved to China and have a wonderful girlfriend who is pregnant for good measure. Guess what: 6 months on and I'm still depressed over the separation and I'm still wondering if I should have just stuck it out, maybe have suggested an open marriage or anything to keep her in my life. I miss her and I hate her and I still love her. Its the worst experience I have ever had -EVER! 

If you research it, you'll find that after a separation and divorce, men suffer depression more intensely and for a longer period of time than women do so you are not alone. The good news is, we do get over it, the ex becomes a distant memory and it turns out, on average we are in a financially better position. 

Unless statistics lie, it takes about 2 years for a man to recover emotionally so I'll hang in there for another 18 months and I suggest you do the same.

By the way, getting a girlfriend will help you but it might not be fair to the girlfriend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That was the first stage of your adult life.

Now move on to the second stage, where you improve yourself, be a great dad, and become a great potential date for some lucky woman out there, one whom you'll pick for the RIGHT reasons (lemme guess, your wife is smoking hot, right?).

Are you exercising? Volunteering somewhere? Reading books? Building a fort or some such with your kids? Fill your life.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Sorry what you are going through, but everything will be ok. No contact (except about kids/finances) will help you tremendously. Dealing with an unremorseful spouse is extremely hurtful but it will only make you stronger and wiser. Why would you want to be with someone who does not feel bad about hurting you and crushing your heart? Those types of people are mentally sick and you should be grateful you do not have to be with someone like that anymore. She actually did you a favor. 

It is normal to feel the way you feel but you need to force yourself to move on by doing the grief work. There are some really good books you can read to help you move on. Remember, there is someone out there so much better than your wife. Someone who is not going to break your heart. Someone who truely cares about you. Someone completely opposite of your wife.

Please do not be friends with your wife right now. Maybe one day you can be, but right now it will only make it harder to move on. Plus, she hasn't done much to show she deserves to be your friend. 

Work on yourself and do things that make you happy. Dont give her the satisfaction of her being able to control your emotions. 

You got this!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> ...a couple months ago I found out that leading up to the split she was having an Affair


Of course she was. I already knew that by the time I'd only gotten to the second sentence in your first post.

I'm gong to assume it's some kind of codependency you suffer from that would make you 'cry and yearn' for someone whose treated you SO abysmally and with such utter disdain, disrespect, and downright cruelty. You should probably seek counseling for that (though I'm loathe to recommend counseling as a magic bullet for anything).

Look for the No More Mr. Nice Guy book online and download it - I understand the PDF file is free to download.

It's time you got reacquainted with your pride and dignity, don't you think?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Speaking strictly as an accountant, you give every indication of being a nice guy and wanting to nice her back. THAT IS NOW DONE. She has strung you along and now is the time for you to sit with your lawyer and your CPA. You need to ensure that your assets are protected. You need to ensure that she is not using familial funds on her indiscretions. YOU NEED SOME SHOCK AND AWE. If she is on your accounts and there is no existent court order, get her off. If she is using any asset that is yours, remove it from her. Ensure that she is not profiting by being on your tax return, and ensure that you are no longer paying any bills just because you were nice. NICE IS OVER. 

If it were me, and she laughed in my face, a state of WAR would exist.


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

turnera said:


> That was the first stage of your adult life.
> 
> Now move on to the second stage, where you improve yourself, be a great dad, and become a great potential date for some lucky woman out there, one whom you'll pick for the RIGHT reasons (*lemme guess, your wife is smoking hot, right?*).
> 
> Are you exercising? Volunteering somewhere? Reading books? Building a fort or some such with your kids? Fill your life.


yes she is very beautiful I used to wake up and just stare at her in her sleep and feel like was the luckiest man on earth....one of the most attractive women Ive ever seen

but yes I'm trying my best to keep myself busy, I get our daughter every weekend and just pour all my love into them its still real rough when I'm alone though couple months ago I was suicidal


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You are going to be sooooo much better off when you are clear of this.......Everyone of us on this site is a survivor and has been through the same thing. Today you are seeking advice.......soon you will be dispensing advice. MY ADVICE.....get through the pain as quickly as possible so you get to the light on the other side.......it's like pulling off a band aid........Diotch the biotch......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You realize, right, that her looks have NOTHING to do with her? That she was BORN with those looks and therefore have no bearing or affect on WHO SHE IS?

That when this is all said and done, and you're ready to look for another mate, you'd be better off looking for some woman who is NOT so drop dead gorgeous that you feel the need to stare at her in disbelief over your 'luck.'


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

turnera said:


> You realize, right, that her looks have NOTHING to do with her? That she was BORN with those looks and therefore have no bearing or affect on WHO SHE IS?'


I do and its not just about her looks I mean yeah at first sure, but we've been together for 8 years and in that time we've been through alot together children, getting a home (renting) ups downs deaths in the family (both sides) joy pain all of the above I truly did love her, I hell I still do and I thought she loved me 

My therapist tells me that I must have clear and strong boundaries so that I can heal, I was making progress then I folded recently and we had sex now I'm right back in the crazyness.....

I know this is going to take time more time than I am comfortable with but it is so Hard I've told this women I Loved her everyday for the past 8 years this last 8 months without her has been agony despite what she is done and is doing I cant seem to quiet my heart


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## Smiley90 (Sep 13, 2011)

In a very similar situation myself. Yes, it hurts like hell but the best thing you can do is respect yourself enough to move on. When I say "move on" I'm not saying go jump in another relationship by any means. Move on by putting the hurt in the past, LET IT STAY THERE, find a reason to look forward to tomorrow, if it's nothing but calling a friend and going out for dinner and a few drinks. Stay busy. I learned quickly that sitting at home, alone, dwelling on the pain was doing nothing but hurting me further. I didn't want to be around people but I forced myself to do it and since I have found it actually helps to keep company around. Biggest thing, stay busy and like another member said, fake it till you make it.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> yes she is very beautiful I used to wake up and just stare at her in her sleep and feel like was the luckiest man on earth....one of the most attractive women Ive ever seen
> 
> but yes I'm trying my best to keep myself busy, I get our daughter every weekend and just pour all my love into them its still real rough when I'm alone though couple months ago I was suicidal


Sounds like you felt lucky to have her.


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Sounds like you felt lucky to have her.


I did I mean its not like I couldnt get girls I chose her over another girl I was messing with who was also beautiful but she was different from the rest in small ways which is why I married her......ugh all this has been a nightmare


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> I did I mean its not like I couldnt get girls I chose her over another girl I was messing with who was also beautiful but she was different from the rest in small ways which is why I married her......ugh all this has been a nightmare


Anytime we feel "lucky to have" a partner due to their smoking hot looks, etc., we place lower value on ourselves in the relationship.

We let them get away with small things and soon they're getting away with "all things" - right up to and including smoking some other guy's pole.

Learn to stand up for yourself - fearlessly

Guys sometimes associate standing up for themselves with getting angry.

They're not even remotely similar.

Learn the following phrase, "Hey, I'm not ok with that"

Who can argue that you "are" ok with something you're not ok with?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Whenever I hear a man brag about his partner by discussing her looks, I immediately think of a pimply 14-year-old boy telling himself he has to get the hot girl so the guys will be jealous of him. Doesn't matter who she is, what she is, just that she be the hottest girl on campus. For his own ego stroking.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did you move out of your own home ? Move back in asap!!!!


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

turnera said:


> Whenever I hear a man brag about his partner by discussing her looks, I immediately think of a pimply 14-year-old boy telling himself he has to get the hot girl so the guys will be jealous of him. Doesn't matter who she is, what she is, just that she be the hottest girl on campus. For his own ego stroking.


someone else was asking me was she good looking ans I simply replied, of course there was more to our relationship than how she looked, I loved her for her mind and her kind spirit I chose to put children in this woman I cant pinpoint when things started to shift for the worst I just know they did some of it is my fault but not all of it and I never that it waS UNFIXABLE


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Why did you move out of your own home ? Move back in asap!!!!


i thought the time apart would help us come together looking back it was stupid but at the time......I would have done it alot differently now but that time has come and gone weve been living apart for almost 9 months


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

its time to file women do not like weak men she made a fool of you and you still love her?
just divorce her and move on.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> i thought the time apart would help us come together looking back it was stupid but at the time......I would have done it alot differently now but that time has come and gone weve been living apart for almost 9 months


Nevertheless, she is now the enemy and you do not want to make things easy for her. Move back in! It is your home as much as hers.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> I do and its not just about her looks I mean yeah at first sure, but we've been together for 8 years and in that time we've been through alot together children, getting a home (renting) ups downs deaths in the family (both sides) joy pain all of the above I truly did love her, I hell I still do and I thought she loved me
> 
> My therapist tells me that I must have clear and strong boundaries so that I can heal, I was making progress then *I folded recently and we had sex *now I'm right back in the crazyness.....
> 
> I know this is going to take time more time than I am comfortable with but it is so Hard I've told this women I Loved her everyday for the past 8 years this last 8 months without her has been agony despite what she is done and is doing I cant seem to quiet my heart


Get tested for STDs. She's been with two others guys ( that you know)


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## Maka (Jun 21, 2014)

You're not weak. Trying to save your marriage takes more strength than walking away. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm praying for you and your children.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Imjustme2k17 said:


> i thought the time apart would help us come together looking back it was stupid but at the time......I would have done it alot differently now but that time has come and gone weve been living apart for almost 9 months


What have you been doing for you?


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## Imjustme2k17 (Jun 2, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> What have you been doing for you?


Ive lost alot of weight 60 pounds from last november till now still have a ways to go with that though, got back into some of my passions aswell but for the most part I've just been working and trying to build a stronger bond with our daughters


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you've lost that much weight, have you also been exercising to tone up your (flabby) muscles? That matters, too.


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