# What's my future?



## stressed1951 (Jan 12, 2010)

I'll try and summarize this as succinctly as I can, but it is hard.
Been married 23 years. Have 2 great sons (17 & 15). There is an age difference of 14 years between me and her, but that's never really been an open issue - so far.
I always believed we had a good marriage. Like most we've had our ups & downs/arguments. My wife is like a Bank and never says sorry for her mistakes. I will usually apologize, even when she's at fault, just to move things along. If I annoy her, she 'freezes' me out till she's prepared to accept the apology. She also likes to be 'in-charge', whether it's the kids or the house generally. It's often her way or no way. I'm kinda laid back and put up with that to a point.
About 5 yrs ago I found out she was having a 'relationship' with a married guy who was living temporarily in his deceased step-fathers house next door. His wife lived in their family home elsewhere. I found out about through her emails and also by asking his wife a pointed question if she thought there was something going on. She answered yes (my wife was relationship #3) and told me she had lots of emails between them. I eventually tackled her on this and she said between tears, that nothing was going on or had gone on - they were just friends. I asked her to cease things between them and she she said she would.
Trust now an issue I believed her BUT kept an eye on her PC just in case. Sure enough I saw she was still in touch, found his picture in a file on her PC and had spoken to some of her friends about her 'special friend'. To keep track of all this I kept a journal on my PC which tended to cover each day, but would often have my personal 'rants' about her, when I was feeling particularly emotional. I used it as my pressure cooker and relief valve. It meant I could go about the house relatively calm and collected. 2 years ago I checked her phone one day I found texts between him and her with several text abbreviations which were about love and needing him, etc. That so upset me and I just had no clue what to do next, especially with 2 young sons. I just withdrew into myself.
In 2011 I went to see a Divorce Attorney on a free consultation just to check on my options. I didn't pursue it any further - scared I guess.
When I have felt there was something going on, like her behavior toward me was 'off', I would try and talk to her about 'us'. After a 'fallow' lovemaking period of nearly 6 months, I finally asked her what was going on. She eventually told me that she had found my journal and read what I'd said about her and now she could no longer trust me or how I felt about her.
I replied back that her indiscretion with the neighbor in the first place had been the root cause and if it hadn't been for that, there would be no journal and in addition, my remarks in the journal were emotional rants and simply my way of getting them out and not through heated arguments, name calling, etc with her.
I told her that I did not want to call it a day after 22 years and would do all within my power to get things back on track. As many of discussions on this turned heated, with a blame game going on, I suggested we try Marriage Counseling. She said NO. I then resorted to paper communication on 'us' as a means of avoiding confrontation. It worked, but you can't keep a marriage going on letters.
Earlier this year, I was walking round as an emotional wreck and broke down with my sons and tried to explain what was happening between me and their mom. I didn't detail the why. They were understandably very upset and the 3 of us shared may tears that day. The youngest spoke with his mom and said we needed to work it out as he didn't want us splitting. So we sat down and had a face to face. It was agreed we try to work things out and I gave her the commitment that I would make the effort and demanded she give me the same commitment. She agreed. Pivotal to that was visible affection, love, praise & respect.
5 years ago, she accused me of not being affectionate, so I promised then I would make the effort (and mean it) and I have been good to my word and enjoy giving her spontaneous hugs and other displays of affection, etc, like we used to. However, since our 'commitment' meeting 4 months ago, I have seen precious little effort on her part to be affectionate back, little love and varying degrees of respect. At times I feel she is very dismissive of me and what I try and do. I feel now that her 'commitment' is as hollow as every other commitment she has made to me in the past 5 years.
I really am at a crossroads in my life. At 62 (though don't feel it or look it), I still have much time and energy on my side and at times I feel I am wasting my life away hoping for something that may never occur. Family funds are always tight and for me it would be hard for me to simply up sticks and walk out as we have no family/friends that i could move in with. We run our business together, so splitting would create problems in that area as well. 
If anyone has any thoughts or comments I'd appreciate hearing them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My first thought is that your wife has been sleeping with this other man, and maybe more besides, for the last 5 years. Her promises to you and to your sons mean nothing because she's decided to lie to all of you. Repeatedly.


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## stressed1951 (Jan 12, 2010)

Way back, just before I discovered her 'friendship', I recall her attending a girls sleepover party on a Saturday night. At the time I didn't think anymore about it and took it at face value. Then I got thinking. The woman who's party it was, my wife had never mentioned her before as one of her 'friends' and never mentioned her after. Both me the guys wife were of the belief that this was when they had a weekend together. Neither of us can prove it and neither of them will ever admit to it. But the thought of the 'lost weekend' as I call it and what may have gone on, has never gone away. The guy eventually moved away to live in the Virgin Islands (his wife still lived elsewhere in their family home) and I think his contact with my wife was by text/email. BUT I know from his wife he came to FL on business periodically and again both of us believe they met up during the day. These occurrences are what prompted me to begin my journal. As much to log what she was doing, when and where. I was not proud of what I was doing, but felt I had to do it. By this time she was doing her won snooping and found my journal on my PC and knew that I had been checking her emails, etc. After that blow up, she kept on top of passwords and TBH I never bothered doing those checks, although I came across the 'hmm' texts on phone later. I didn't confront her about the texts and to this day, she does not know that I know about those texts. I just feel it would be adding oil to the water. After that I got to the point of not caring any longer. Whether she is still in contact with him, I have no way of knowing, but I don't think she is. She say she isn't and hasn't for a long while. When we had our longest and most difficult talk about 5 months ago, she said that she had lost trust in me having found my journal and that my emotive remarks about her made her feel that was how I really felt about her and my public persona toward her were lies. The opposite is more true and I feel that I am now being painted as the villain in all this, because I dared to snoop on what she was doing. During the talk she has said that whilst she did love me, she doesn't right now because of the journal remarks. When we had our 'commitment' talk 4 months ago, I had said the we both had to draw a line in the sand on the past and try and make a fresh start. I have earnestly done that and continue to do and show the best toward her. BUT I don't see or feel the affection, love. respect from my wife that I would like to see. Does that make it clear?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You really need to head over to the Coping with Infidelity section here and read up on the terms 'gaslighting' and 'rug sweeping'. The first is what she's doing to you, the second is what you're doing.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

That post has a ton of info in it so please take the time to absorb what it's saying. Take a step back here and look at what's going on objectively. You need to take back control here and set up some ground rules. Your wife cheated - she doesn't get to call the shots. And if she won't come clean about what happened, she's still in control. Schedule a polygraph for her and get the truth. You also need to monitor her to see if she's telling the truth right now.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-evidence-gathering-thread.html#post886718


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