# Help me save my marriage!!



## Johnempowers (Feb 5, 2021)

Well life has handed me some painful situations recently, or I brought them on myself, regardless, here they are. My wife and I have been together for 4 years, married 3. It was all in from the very start. We had two kids and just about when the youngest, my son, was 3 months is when my life did a 180. A severe head injury kept me out of work, a job that I loved and was good at. The injury is still a mystery and I didn’t seek medical help so my brain didn’t heal correctly and I have severe memory issues and personality changes. Right when that injury happened, I was drinking often and my wife was gone to her moms with the kids. That month our kids were taken away by the state, the job fired me, and after a month I was out of my apartment and in sober living. We have since gotten back together and we were doing well for awhile, but due to my memory issues and irresponsibility I missed the trial andam our 4 yr old & 1 yr old are now custody of my wife’s parents. Shortly after losing the kids permanently, I lost my job. I’m staying in a trailer at my dads house and job hunting and doing day labor. She stays with me 5 - 6 days a week and the rest with her uncle.
Apparently, I’ve always been a bad husband. It definitely wasn’t as bad as she says it was, but I worked too much and didn’t treat my wife in a way that made her feel special. But now she is constantly angry with me and doesn’t trust me and it’s about to cause a divorce. I’m doing everything I can to keep her happy and she’s constantly telling me what I’m doing or have done is wrong. She blames me for us losing the kids, and that pain comes out as anger. I’m not allowed to use social media in any way without her getting very upset, she’s always in my phone, and is always insulting me and disrespecting me. I admit to her that I’m wrong and she’s right in basically everything she complains about, I follow her around like a puppy dog and give in to her every whim. She obviously has no respect for me. But I love her dearly and can’t imagine life without her, but keeping her happy is starting to build resentment in myself and that only leads to bad places. But every little mistake I make reminds her of every mistake I’ve ever made so we constantly have the same fights. I don’t know what to do but keep job hunting and listening to her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading this far!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Johnempowers said:


> Well life has handed me some painful situations recently, or I brought them on myself, regardless, here they are. My wife and I have been together for 4 years, married 3. It was all in from the very start. We had two kids and just about when the youngest, my son, was 3 months is when my life did a 180. A severe head injury kept me out of work, a job that I loved and was good at. The injury is still a mystery and I didn’t seek medical help so my brain didn’t heal correctly and I have severe memory issues and personality changes. Right when that injury happened, I was drinking often and my wife was gone to her moms with the kids. That month our kids were taken away by the state, the job fired me, and after a month I was out of my apartment and in sober living. We have since gotten back together and we were doing well for awhile, but due to my memory issues and irresponsibility I missed the trial andam our 4 yr old & 1 yr old are now custody of my wife’s parents. Shortly after losing the kids permanently, I lost my job. I’m staying in a trailer at my dads house and job hunting and doing day labor. She stays with me 5 - 6 days a week and the rest with her uncle.
> Apparently, I’ve always been a bad husband. It definitely wasn’t as bad as she says it was, but I worked too much and didn’t treat my wife in a way that made her feel special. But now she is constantly angry with me and doesn’t trust me and it’s about to cause a divorce. I’m doing everything I can to keep her happy and she’s constantly telling me what I’m doing or have done is wrong. She blames me for us losing the kids, and that pain comes out as anger. I’m not allowed to use social media in any way without her getting very upset, she’s always in my phone, and is always insulting me and disrespecting me. I admit to her that I’m wrong and she’s right in basically everything she complains about, I follow her around like a puppy dog and give in to her every whim. She obviously has no respect for me. But I love her dearly and can’t imagine life without her, but keeping her happy is starting to build resentment in myself and that only leads to bad places. But every little mistake I make reminds her of every mistake I’ve ever made so we constantly have the same fights. I don’t know what to do but keep job hunting and listening to her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading this far!


Why did you lose the kids? You mentioned your issues but not your wife's, and there had to be something on her end as well. You say you missed the court date, but why didn't she remember to go? There has to be more to the story here and her blaming you for losing the kids doesn't seem to be 100% accurate.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

It's rather concerning that you seem to have no interest in your children.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

If I were you I would be 100% focused on getting my kids back not my wife who clearly must have her own bag of problems for you two to lose custody of your children. The added benefit of you working to get your kids back is it will help create more respect from your wife, she will see you as more of a leader and problem solver. 

Your biggest problem is you lost your kids not your wife. 

Maybe a stupid question but do you want your kids back?


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## Johnempowers (Feb 5, 2021)

Of course I want my kids back but they’ll be grown someday and hopefully I’ll still be married. But that’s really all I should be caring about is them. I could somehow see them again if I worked on it for a few months. My relationship with their mother might be over with anyway after the fight tonight. We were drinking and using when we lost them and somehow we both missed our court date because of the way in which it was scheduled there was a date in March had we focused on so much that we overlooked the February date. But someday they will be old enough to come see me on their own and it would be a much better situation if their parents were still together at least. I don’t really think we’ve recovered from their loss and that’s probably going to take this marriage with it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Johnempowers said:


> Of course I want my kids back but they’ll be grown someday and hopefully I’ll still be married. But that’s really all I should be caring about is them. I could somehow see them again if I worked on it for a few months. My relationship with their mother might be over with anyway after the fight tonight. We were drinking and using when we lost them and somehow we both missed our court date because of the way in which it was scheduled there was a date in March had we focused on so much that we overlooked the February date. But someday they will be old enough to come see me on their own and it would be a much better situation if their parents were still together at least. I don’t really think we’ve recovered from their loss and that’s probably going to take this marriage with it.


You are focusing on the wrong thing here. 

When the children were taken away (and courts do not do that lightly), you were choosing drugs and alcohol over them. Are you still using and drinking at all? If so, you're still choosing drugs and alcohol over them and I have no clue where your rock bottom is. 

Now that the children are permanently gone, you are STILL focusing on the wrong thing. You are choosing to focus on an unhealthy relationship instead of doing everything possible to at least see your children.

Yes, one day your kids will be grown and able to have a relationship with you... but will they _want _to? They are 1 and 4 years old. You don't even see the kids right now and aren't putting in the effort "for a few months" to be able to see them. At this rate, they won't even remember you and chances are whatever they hear from grandma and grandpa won't be building you up. 

You shouldn't be focusing on 14-17 years from now when the kids _might _want to have a relationship with you. You should be focusing on what you can do_ right now_ to have any sort of healthy relationship with your children. I doubt the kids will even care if you are still together or not. They won't have any memory of you ever being together. 

You and your wife are toxic. You are BOTH at fault for losing the kids. It takes a lot for kids to be removed from the home and if it really was your fault, your wife could have left and taken the kids with her. I doubt there is any saving this marriage and it shouldn't be the focus right now. For now, you both need to focus on yourselves and start giving a damn about your kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are an addict and your wife likely is as well. Until the addiction is fixed, nothing in your life will go right. Check in the hospital and her yourselves in decent health. 

NOTHING in your life will go well until you stop drinking and doing drugs forever.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Johnempowers said:


> I could somehow see them again if I worked on it for a few months.


From the way you wrote that it seems rather unlikely that you'll put in the effort anytime soon.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Before you ask for help saving your marriage, you should be asking for help to save yourself. Harmful and destructive addiction(s) have no place in a marriage. You need to get your act together. I'd suggest A.A., getting a sponsor, and working a program of recovery. No way are you going to rid yourself of stinkin' thinkin' and the mess you're in until you start taking responsibility for your own choices, behaviors, and decisions. Sorry. But that's the way I see it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds to me like you need to go to the doctor and find out exactly what to expect from your head injury and basically be alone and straighten yourself out. 

a good friend of mine had a husband who got a brain injury and also didn't go to the doctor who ended up completely changing his personality from it and going from responsible to irresponsible and just running off and ended up dying alone in a junked up apartment. He completely abandoned his small child and wife because of his brain injury. 

You are completely irresponsible for not having gone to the doctor about that in case there is something they might have done early on but you certainly can't expect anyone to put up with your behavior now that you neglected to do that. I'm sorry to be tough on you but I am reading the writing on the wall. You are just thinking about you.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

If it's not ripping you apart every hour that you are away from those kids then you don't deserve to have them. Please don't have anymore children. You still being with their mother 20 years from is going absolute last thing they are concerned about.


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