# Discovered W in long PA with OW



## sparks14 (Feb 8, 2011)

** I have been posting on MB and DB. I found the approach found in MB to be a bit renegade. I have found that DB lines up more with my character. I am posting my story here just to see if there are others out there with experience in a same sex affair. I will start by posting the main story and go from there. It was originally written on 1/30, so the newest details will be added as the thread grows. Thanks for taking the time to read through this with me. **

I am going to try my best to piece this story together for you. Sorry of it is long. I am currently devastated and looking for advice. What may make this story different from the others I have been reading is that wife is having a 10 month EA and PA with another woman.

I would have added the details to my signature, but it would not let me for some reason.
Me - 32 W - 32
S - 5 months
M - 2.5 years
T - 5 years
Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY
PA discovered - 1/18/11

My wife and I have had a pretty good relationship from my ideas. There has never been any infidelity, physical violence, deep issues that can cause conflict. We have had our difficulties with communication at times, but what marriage doesn't? My wife and I decided that we wanted to have a baby and began starting in the Fall of 2009. We got pregnant in 11/09. During this time, we decided it would best to start seeing a marriage counselor to help with our communication skills before the baby arrived. These sessions began in the Spring of 2010 and appeared to be very helpful. We fought less. Worked on some of the strategies given. Things were looking better to me. It was also during this time that our therapist recommended that we give each other more free time on our own. I was working from home often, and my wife said that space in our small house concerned her. She began hanging out more with a new girlfriend from work more and more during her pregnancy. To me, I was happy for her. Her friend did not drink and was supportive. W had been sad that her older friends began to stray once my wife could not go out and party with them. The new girlfriend spent nearly everyday with W. At times I found it a bit odd, but I wanted to do my best to give my wife the independence with friends she was looking for. OW was married but was in the process of not being able to have children, so her marriage was rocky.

We also stopped seeing couples therapist in anticipation of our S arrival. Our S arrived on 8/14/10. Both of us were very happy. W's girlfriend was actually in the hospital with us, as W starting giving birth which was odd, but again I felt that this was my wife's new best friend giving support.

Shortly after the birth, W became very sad. Lots of crying. Staying in her bedroom with newborn S. Her mother and talked about postpartum depression. A week later, my wife gave me a bomb. She was really unhappy. ILYBNILWY. She said that she had talked to her doc, and he told her not to make any major decisions. He believed postpartum like the rest of us. I told myself it would get better and did everything I could to assist my wife with parenting. she also began seeing her own therapist.

W's girlfriend was working again while W was taking leave. She would come by on weekends. My wife complained that she felt locked in our home with the baby, so I encouraged her to get out. Still thinking postpartum. My wife began spending more time with her girlfriend. Sometimes spending the night. Since girlfriend lived on the other side of town, I did not flinch when she would tell me S went to sleep and she would just spend the night on girlfriend's couch. This started to happen often. they began to do more and more things together and I was feeling left out emotionally. The Fall of 2010, I began considering the EA.

On 12/14/10, after a very small fight concerning movie tickets that I wanted to use to take my wife on a date (she wanted to take girlfriend), she dropped the big bomb. ILYBNILWY. She also told me that she had not returned to sleeping in our bed, because she did not want to. She did not want any intimacy with me. For weeks, I had been encouraging her to our bed at night but had been patient while she nursed the baby at night. She said that she wanted space to think and left for her girlfriend's for a few nights.

***I am going to start a new post to continue, because I know this is getting long.***


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## sparks14 (Feb 8, 2011)

While away, I sent my W a very long thought out letter telling her how much I loved her and wanted to fight for our marriage. I listed out things that I wanted to do to help with some of her concerns. I suggested we go back to marriage counseling that we had stopped after the birth our our S. She agreed to go to therapist with me. In session told me that she was not sure if she had the strength to fight for us anymore. She was not in love with me. She wanted time to think. She said that she came to therapy this one time but was not ready to commit to more. Therapist recommended we at least work on co-parenting in case of failure. W agreed.

For the last month, I have read several books. Gottman. Fertel. Weiner-Davis. I am staying incredibly positive and acting like super husband/father around the house. Not one argument. No fights. When together, we get along great. She will however, disappear a few days at a time without warning. It crushes me.

I began to suspect a PA on 1/16 after noticing some satin sleepwear in her overnight bag. She had been sleeping on girlfriends couch and had never slept in this stuff out our house. I then found more seductive lingerie in another bag in her closet that had never been in our home before. I began to look around and found a note in her bedside table written to her girlfriend and not delivered over the summer that explained how annoyed she was with couples therapy. she was stuck and only wanted to be with "you". this broke me. i began seeing a therapist on my own and introduced my concern. on 1/18, i logged into my wife's email. in a folder called "safe", i found 400 emails over the last 10 months between W and her girlfriend. PA. It began in 3/2010 when wife was 4 months pregnant. Started with curiosities. Girlfriend married now but husband had know about her being gay for years. W was curious but committed to me. It took maybe a week before those concerns faded. First night was PG13. Two nights later, they had graphic sex in a park. There are hundreds of emails between them providing very graphic accounts of their adventures. Started in a park. Then at our house when I wasn't home. They escalated to being in love. They talked about how they would leave their husbands and live together with the baby forever. Girlfriend ended up leaving her husband over the summer.

W and girlfriend spent everyday of the summer together while I was at work. Sex everyday. Very graphic sexual emails. In love. No cares. Embracing their new secret lesbian roles. After the baby, the girlfriend spent less time over due to family in town and both were heart sick. Around the same time I got my first bomb, an email came from the girlfriend that planned out an entire time line of an exit strategy. W replied that she was not comfortable with time and needed more time to figure things out with her therapist. Leading up to the second bomb, W and girlfriend spending every weekend together with S. Sometimes asking me if I would babysit S while they went off. I had no problems with that. I get quality time with baby and give the W a chance to get away without S.

I am now crushed. I still want to use the strategies provided here and by my therapist to let me wife know that I know about the PA. I am planning on writing a letter for myself to read in front of our original couples therapist. therapist agrees of importance of third party. have not asked W and can only hope she will agree. she really thinks I am in the dark about PA.

I can take all of the advice in the world that is out there about saving my marriage after a PA and am truly positive. there is just no information out there for same sex PA. is my wife a lesbian and always has been? was it just an EA that got out of control and the excitement of PA took over? i can only imagine if my W is pushing the time line out and out that she has questions. we both come from strong and active families. her emails told over and over again how she did not want to her me or her mother.

what do i do? is there hope?


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## sparks14 (Feb 8, 2011)

Last week, I sat my wife down and read her a very heartfelt letter. I told her that I knew of the affair. I told her that I loved her, but there were only two options. She could either end the affair today and stop all contact. If this path is chosen, there would be a significant period of reconciliation, forgiveness, and trust rebuilding. If she chose to continue the affair, divorce would be in our near future. Neither of us come from a product of divorce and have both been very against it.

She said that she was very confused and in therapy specifically to address her sexual orientation issues as well as to break it to me and her parents at some point. She said that she could not accept my demands in my letter at this time, because she still has so much to work out on her end with her therapist.

She contacted her therapist that evening who suggested that she break all contact with OW, which I am trusting my wife has done. She has moved in with her brother who lives just down the street. We have been very positive as far as co-parenting our son, and we have been working out times where we each get to care for him.

We are both in individual therapy at the moment, and my wife has agreed to continue with our couples therapy which I am thankful for. Our communication has been very good, since this became public. If this was a hetero affair, I would have no question that we could save this. Since there are a ton of sexual orientation questions my wife is working out, it adds a whole other layer of complexity.

I talked to my wife about the two possible outcomes that we will have to workout over time. 1) We work hard through he reconciliation piece concerning the affair. Through therapy and self discovery, she recognizes that she is not a lesbian, and her feelings for women was just a wave in her desires. We work hard to improve our marriage and for me to discover how to fulfill some of the emotional needs that were lacking. 2) We work hard through he reconciliation piece concerning the affair. Through therapy and self discovery, she recognizes that she is in fact a lesbian. We divorce, but we work very hard to stay focused on bringing our son up in a positive environment with two split parents that get along very well and are active in his upbringing.

I think both scenarios start the same with lots of open and honest communication and healing. There will be a fork in the road at some point. I guess time will tell how things end up.

Anybody out there have any experience with same sex affairs? Any advice?

I appreciate any and all responses.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Wow, longest i ever read. 

First thing first, it is definitely post pregnant hormones are playing big role here, may the woman not able to think and she is following her emotions. my wife had to take medication for it for a year. 

just give her last chance, and watch her closely. she needs to forget about the other woman.

may be you are lucky because she had the affair with a woman not a man, men normally fight back hard to keep their affairs. and it easy to forget the affair with woman than affair with a man. 

did she show any interest in the past about her being Bi, like watching bad movies, or talking about 3 *so*me etc...

how old is the other woman and does she have kids?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is alot of information out there, in my opinion it does not matter if its same sex or not the chemicals in the brain still function the same way.
So if your looking for some thing with regards to same sex affairs,dont worry, I would say just get over to affaircare and check them out. Just...when reading replace the OM with OW. 

There is a script cheater follow, man or women.

Start educating your self (I can read better then I can spell) there are variables and options that are out there.

#1 rule is there most be no contact with OM...I mean OW for the marraige to have a chance. Sometimes the hardest part is getting them to stop contacting each other. Until then set your boundries . and do not waiver from them no matter what.


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## sparks14 (Feb 8, 2011)

Tourchwood said:


> Wow, longest i ever read.
> 
> First thing first, it is definitely post pregnant hormones are playing big role here, may the woman not able to think and she is following her emotions. my wife had to take medication for it for a year.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to read it. I know it was long, but that is just how I write with so much running around in my head.

On one side, I do think the hormones of her pregnancy, the emotional needs that I was not meeting, the excitment of meeting a new friend. I think this all had to do with it. Nto sure if I had mentioned that the OW was very open with my W about her sexuality. OW is about our age (30?). Not attractive at all. (At least to me.) She was married at the time but said that she has know she has been gay for years. She was only with er husband, because the were best friends and wanted a baby. Her infertility over the years prevented that (they were even trying to have a baby while this affair was going on). She ended up seperating from her husband over the summer while the affair was in its prime. So when you add in a gay woman who wants but can't have children, I thnk these are all factors for my wife to reflect on.

I also have to mention that my wife had an experience when she was 17 with a school counselor that crossed a line. I do not know too many details. W felt comortable enogh to tell OW eberything where I have only gotten the little details over the years. W says it was more an emotional connection than physical, but it was enough for W's mother to find out and have counselor fired and issue swept under the rug.

W has never ad any feelings or desires towards women in the past 15 years to my knowledge. She even told OW that it has never crossed her mind and she was very committted to her husband through thick and thin. It only took a few months of this open dialogue about sexuality for my wife to pursue the affair. Although over time, I can see the manipulation of the OW setting the stage for something bigger. She had even planned out the exit strategy for them and was already halfway through it herself when my W said she just wasn't ready.


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## sparks14 (Feb 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> There is alot of information out there, in my opinion it does not matter if its same sex or not the chemicals in the brain still function the same way.
> So if your looking for some thing with regards to same sex affairs,dont worry, I would say just get over to affaircare and check them out. Just...when reading replace the OM with OW.
> 
> There is a script cheater follow, man or women.
> ...


Thanks, guy. I have read a lot out there that states same sex or hetero, affairs should be treated the same. Dr. Haley fro MB says that the BS often give up sooner, because they do not thnk they can compete with a same sex need. He said this is often not the case, as these relationships often last less time. He believes the man should feel more optimistic.

I have also talked to a ton of people that think he is full of it.

At this point, W's therapist told W to cease all contact with OW. W seems to have agreed, She is living in her brother's small apartment right now, and we are splitting custody of our 5 month old. It is tough, but neither of us want to prevent access to our S.

I have told my wife that we need to rebuild together, and it will take time. If we decide at some point that together as a family is where we want to be, I would embrace that. If she decides that she is in fact a lesbian, we will part ways but hopefully share custody. The rebuilding will also allow us to be good co-parents for our son. I have expressed that this plan does not include the OW. W understands that if she chooses to continue affair, divorce will be the only answer. Neither of us are ready for that.

We have agreed to go to couples therapy to help through the co-parenting piece as wellas our rebuilding, forgiveness, and trust discovery. Two sessions. Down. First went very well. Second started off well, but then the W started asking me how I knew details about the affair. After some talk about honesty inthe safety of our couples therapist, I revealed that I had read the emails and also that I gained her password through a keylogger. She is pissed and now feels betrayed. It looks like this road to trust got a bit longer, but I am glad the truth came out now if it was. Three steps forward, two back. We will get there. I have to stay positive.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

sparks14 said:


> First went very well. Second started off well, but then the W started asking me how I knew details about the affair. After some talk about honesty inthe safety of our couples therapist, I revealed that I had read the emails and also that I gained her password through a keylogger. She is pissed and now feels betrayed. It looks like this road to trust got a bit longer, but I am glad the truth came out now if it was. Three steps forward, two back. We will get there. I have to stay positive.


Sorry to chime in but what was your response to her saying that she feels betrayed? I can't believe she pulled that card.


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## sparks14 (Feb 8, 2011)

MisguidedMiscreant said:


> Sorry to chime in but what was your response to her saying that she feels betrayed? I can't believe she pulled that card.


I am glad that you chimed in. I could use all of the input I can.

At first, it put me on the defensive. I told her that she committed the worst and most damaging action towards our marriage and lied for ten months. I asked her how betrayed she think I felt.

In the end, the therapist simply said that it sounded like there was mistrust on both ends. Both ends feel betrayed. We are just going to have to take it slow and rebuild it.

One part of me feels like the victim card is somehow being taken away from me, but in the end, I just want us to be on equal footing with an open and honest relationship.

For the short term, we will only discuss relationship matters in our therapist office once a week. Then the suggestion was to take our conversations to a neutral place where she would feel safe. It is a long road ahead. I do, however, understand how she could feel trapped and scared. She doesn't have anybody on her side right now, so she thinks everybody is out to get her. She made that bed, but I am sure it is an awful place to be.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

sparks14 said:


> I am glad that you chimed in. I could use all of the input I can.
> 
> At first, it put me on the defensive. I told her that she committed the worst and most damaging action towards our marriage and lied for ten months. I asked her how betrayed she think I felt.
> 
> ...


Did she ever talk to you about what she was feeling before it all happened? I noticed that the cheating spouse never talks to the other person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

"I can see the manipulation of the OW setting the stage for something bigger. She had even planned out the exit strategy for them and was already halfway through it herself when my W said she just wasn't ready."






Can you say what the exit strategy was ? I would like to know what a girl would plan out, for a 2 women affair, plus a new baby. To try to end it, with her dear husband, must have been long and hard. Like did she try to take you kid away, or try to have you hit her ? I do her a lot of people try to make the other person a bad parent, so they have full custody. Maybe just try to list, how the exit plan was. 

I hope you and your wife will get better, I think she will come out of it.


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