# Dropping off and picking up children



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Hi all ... I’m just curious about what others do and what is fair... 

My ex husband doesn’t have and hasn’t asked for court ordered access to his daughter but we have a private agreement. 

He wanted to have our daughter once a fortnight (she is now 11) I said that wouldn’t be fair on her and insisted he at least see her weekly. One night unless he is away. We have two children the other child is now an adult. 

Originally he wanted me to bring her to him on a Saturday (he moved 34 km away) and he would drop her back on the Sunday. He didn’t want to alternate the pick up or drop offs at all but after a year I insisted it was only fair. 

This has been going on since sept 2017. I’m just wondering as I have main custody and he is only seeing her the minimum amount of time. His choice not mine, should I be driving the 70 odd round trip to drop her off to him or pick her up from him?

When he left home the first time when our oldest was a toddler we did the same thing but he moved over 2 hours away, I was driving a 4 hour round trip to take his son to him.( I can’t believe I was such a chump. I had a history of doing what this man tells me is only fair. 

So do I say to him as he isn’t doing shared care ( he doesn’t want her for half the school holidays etc.. in fact he took himself away to Bali for a week during them 🙄) he needs to pick her up and drop her back ? Or is this not fair? 

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be fair but after many belittling accusing emails and a refusal to listen to the high schools I thought would work for her etc I’m a bit over being nice. 

I asked him yesterday if he would consider paying half of her orthodontist fees ( she has a tooth that is on the upper gum but his response was to give him an itemised account of where the all the child support is going has gone since he left and only then he will consider helping if he sees proof that it is justified. 

So do most parents share the drop off pick up or do they have the patent that left do both? 


Sorry about the rant I’m frustrated with this man.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

We share.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

I only live a few miles from my ex and we have 50/50 custody. That being said I pick my kids up when it's my week, and my ex picks the kids up when it's her week.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

It doesn't sound like he really wants to spend time with his daughter anyway. I mean one overnight every two weeks? That's pretty sad. 34km is not that far of a distance - I don't see why he couldn't pick her up on Friday night and bring her back on Sunday evening.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My ex wont see her son for a long time. 
By her own volition.
She's cut our kids loose to chase man tail.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Tex X said:


> I only live a few miles from my ex and we have 50/50 custody. That being said I pick my kids up when it's my week, and my ex picks the kids up when it's her week.


I guess that’s what I’m thinking he is just spending a night with her... it’s once a week not once a fortnight... but it’s not like it’s now my turn like it is for you. 

I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t be doing the hour round trip so he he can his daughter. 

He even complains that he is missing out on dating because he can’t go out on a Saturday night ! I point out that he has ever other night but he feels resentful as he is too tired from work those nights. He would prefer every second week.

I’ve realized it’s not my job to make sure he has a good relationship with his children it’s his.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> I guess that’s what I’m thinking he is just spending a night with her... it’s once a week not once a fortnight... but it’s not like it’s now my turn like it is for you.
> 
> I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t be doing the hour round trip so he he can his daughter.
> 
> ...


Bingo


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> I guess that’s what I’m thinking he is just spending a night with her... it’s once a week not once a fortnight... but it’s not like it’s now my turn like it is for you.
> 
> *I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t be doing the hour round trip so he he can his daughter. *
> 
> ...


I don't think you have any obligation to make sure that he sees his daughter.

Instead I think that the issue is your daughter spending time with her father. How does your 11 year old feel about spending time with him? Does she look forward to it? How would she react if she stopped seeing him, or rarely sees him?

If your daughter has a need to see her father, then I think you might have to continue what you are doing. If she could care less, then why bother. He can come get her and drop her off.

This should be about what's best for your daughter.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I don't understand your complaint or questioning who does the dropoffs and pickups when you're the one who insisted on once a week visitation. So, there was some importance to you that he sees his daughter until it turned into your inconvenience. You need to make up your mind on this one.

Unless he asked for more time, the court would order every other weekend or every other weekend for one day if that's all he asked for. The court would also decree who does the dropoffs and pickups since you two can't agree, and you wouldn't be exempt from having to do them. You might not like that schedule either.

I think you started off on the right track by trying to encourage their relationship but went sideways now that you don't like having to make the trips. It shouldn't be up to a child to decide unless he is mean to her or something. You wanted them to have a relationship because, I'm supposing, you felt a child should have their father in their life. Well, that hasn't changed. It didn't begin by you doing him any favors, and it's not about that now. It began all about her and should still be about her.

Besides, you dropping her off and him bringing her back home is alternating. That's what you said he originally wanted. It's just not the same alternating you want. I'm not familiar with the metric system, so I converted 34km online and honestly don't understand you making a stink, and possibly your daughter hardly ever seeing her father at all, over 21 miles and 42 miles round trip. That's a 40-45 minute ride.

Try not to let your anger with him overshadow your love and concern for her.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I meant to add that you should tell him to shut up about what you do with child support. Either he is going to help or he isn't. Only a yes or no answer is required.

But you can take him to court and have the divorce decree or support order amended to require that he pays half of her medical and orthodontal expenses. It probably wouldn't be worth the cost of lawyer fees but you can do it on your own. I'm surprised your attorney didn't take care of this during the original settlement. But then attorneys try to keep you coming back for repeat business. Man, some of them are sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't make him want to see her so let him have her once every two weeks if that's what he wants. 

People generally split drop-off/pick-up. I doubt he'll agree to do both but some do if they are the one who moved away. As for extra expenses, some are willing to share extras and some expect child support to cover everything.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> My ex wont see her son for a long time.
> By her own volition.
> She's cut our kids loose to chase man tail.


I'm sad to hear this... a new relationship should never come before children, but sadly some people don't feel that way.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

thank you everyone for adding their thoughts.

I'm just frustrated at the moment. Yes, I was just after a yes or a no with orthodontic treatment. What he wrote was I feel unnecessary He is bitter about how things were settled in court. He wanted me to have to sell the house. The house that was mine (as talked about in previous posts) This is what he said...


"Show me a budget of how you've spent the over 30k I've contributed so far since our separation and a future budget for my future contributions and demonstrate a genuine need. 

I strongly suspect you used the money that was for the children to finance the court case against me. I welcome you to demonstrate otherwise. 

You also have a lot of value stored in the house. The spoils of said court case. Use it."


I'm more than happy to no longer be with this man. But was hoping he might be willing to contribute to her dental care. He is pushing for her to get braces, and indicating that I'm not caring enough to do so. Mind you he is on a 6 figure salary and I'm far from that. He seems to still like to call the shots. 

This is a man that when I was hospitalized a few months back for a week decided to drop his daughter off home even though an ambulance was on the way to help me. I was in extreame pain. His excuse was our eldest didn't say how bad things were, just that he had called an ambulance for me. So our daughter was dropped off as usual and left scared seeing me like that.

So while I'm in hospital he put the care of our daughter in the hands of our 19-year-old and let our son take time off work to look after her. His time/responsibility as a parent was over as far as he was concerned as it was was no longer the weekend. He didn't contact me at all
to see what needed to be done for the children. But he knew I was still in the hospital. I received a text message when I was still in the hospital to tell me that he was flying out for work in another state that day. Even more upsetting I found out recently as he told me that he gets to decide when he travels. He can even work from home most of the week. So our son was stressed out and asking me what he can do as he was told he would be fired if he took another day off work. He ended up driving his sister to her grandparents my ex-husband's parents 3 hours away. Something that he had to organize himself. 

Sorry about the rant but this is who this man is. I strongly suspect he is hoping that I fail in life. No, I don't think he is a good and loving parent. It's not about the braces etc it's his lack of care. He punishes our daughter for being afraid to ask for something from her coach by sitting at a different table and not talking to her and not buying her sushi for lunch but buying and eating it himself. Her favorite food. But our daughter has never told me she doesn't want to go. she will just come home and tell me things like this occasionally. 

I'm a firm believer that children need both parents and I would not stand in the way of her seeing her father but at the same time I no longer want to do things because I'm scared of upsetting him. I read back at the online stuff that I initially wrote about and I can't believe worried I was about being without him. I was even afaid that he would discover me questionig what he was doing and I would loose him, so I deleted most of my first post. I'm now working out and finding my boundaries, thus the question.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NOPE, I dont feel you should be doing ANY of the driving when its his time to have her. He is the one who moved further away, it is HIS responsibility to take care of transporting her. Making an occasional exception if something unusual is going on is fine. But as you mentioned, its isnt your place to try and make some kind of relationship between him and the kids. I bet your daughter doesnt even want to go. Stop insisting that she has to go every week, if he wants less, then give it to him. If he wants to see her, then he can do the driving himself. 

Oh and NO WAY IN HELL should you give him ANY kind of budget of how you spend YOUR money! None if his damn business!! Controlling jackass... I am so glad you got rid of him, now if only he would go all the way away!


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

The standard language where I live provides the non-custodial parent picks the child up from school before their custodial periods start, and drops them off Monday morning for school.

If it's summer/holiday, there are other rules (who picks up from who), but generally the burden seems to be on the non-custodial parent. 

I don't know what your divorce decree looks like, but you can always talk to an attorney and go back to court to adjust this if he won't agree to a better or more reasonable custody schedule.


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