# When do you stop hoping for a miracle....



## pink4me (Feb 24, 2012)

After 20 years of marriage my husband wants a divorce. I've spent the last 3 weeks trying to get him to give us a second chance. 

I don't want to give up, but I don't know when its enough....

So sad and scared...


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

There are many of us women here married 20+ yrs wondering the same thing. Someone on one of the threads talked about hope and faith. I can't remember how they explained it but "hope" is something you have in someone else wanting them to change. 

So I did start thinking I have faith that our love will get us through this toughest phase of our marriage ever... but my faith is so low. I envy those that have their faith grow in this time of need. 

Have you all sought any kind of counseling (IC or MC)?
Why does he want out? Is it unclear to you... I know mine gave me a reason but it doesn't add up and I don't think he has given me the full truth (he may not even know his full truth). 

Sorry you are joining us here.


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## pink4me (Feb 24, 2012)

He refuses to do any kind of MC. I've attended one therapy session myself, just to try and get my head on straight....didn't work too well. 

He gave me some excuses, but I don't think its the full truth. He came to this decision on his own. I feel I should be able to have a say in it as well, but he doesn't want to discuss. I need to stop begging... but I'm afraid if I stop I haven't done enough.

At this point I think I may be pushing him away faster... he's decided to move out this weekend. 

Do I stay and watch him leave or do I be gone and never see him come home again. My heart is breaking.....


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

pink4me said:


> He refuses to do any kind of MC. I've attended one therapy session myself, just to try and get my head on straight....didn't work too well.
> 
> He gave me some excuses, but I don't think its the full truth. He came to this decision on his own. I feel I should be able to have a say in it as well, but he doesn't want to discuss. I need to stop begging... but I'm afraid if I stop I haven't done enough.
> 
> ...


This is what I went through. I have been in IC for 3 months he refuses any kind of help that he has to fix himself (not working as far as his family can see). He is struggling w/ lots of things and is closed minded (or afraid he can't be fixed) that he won't go. I begged for MC. Nope. 

My H has made all the decisions. His actions seem impulsive because he shut me out and is doing whatever he wants. He felt like he had no control in his life and is insisting on having it so keeps me uninformed and off balance. 

Does this sound familiar to you? Is yours doing the same?
Mine says if I would have let him go earlier it may have helped but we have kids and I didn't see how him being out of the house would help the marriage or the family. 
Do you have kids?


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## pink4me (Feb 24, 2012)

Oh my gosh... YES! Practically the same story. We have 2 teenage kids. 

He's always in control, I go with the flow...always have, that's my personality. He has a tendency of placing the blame on others and I've always been the closest/understanding target. I know his moods. But he can also be the greatest guy in the world.

He says I'm holding him back, which is silly because he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants. He says he doesn't want to wake up 10 years from now and realize he missed out on something. 

How do I get him to not throw away the past 20 years, how do I get him to let us work on the issues together (whatever they may be). And when do I stop hoping for a miracle to change his mind. He doesn't want a separation to "think" on things.... he wants a divorce.

I'm in a really desparate space here.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

pink4me said:


> Oh my gosh... YES! Practically the same story. We have 2 teenage kids.
> 
> He's always in control, I go with the flow...always have, that's my personality. He has a tendency of placing the blame on others and I've always been the closest/understanding target. I know his moods. But he can also be the greatest guy in the world.
> 
> ...


Our kids are preschool to post college. The younger kids miss him the older kids not happy w/ him for walking out. 

He says I am always trying to control him but I think that's part of the script to cover for things... though admittedly I do control somethings because it's how the relationship has turned or his indecisiveness (or lack of responsibility - financial). 
We both blame each other for things... that's bad and I think it's all fixable... I truly believe anything can be fixed if you both want it. 

As far as time goes ... it's what you can handle. My IC never thought I'd be waiting this long (but she has never met him and goes by the things I say about him - obviously I say nice things about him).

So as far as how long do you wait or let him go... 
You can't keep him there if he doesn't want to be there. Mine was acting so moody and deceptive in the end I felt better when he left. But I was hoping he'd be back by now. 
I hear that maybe let him go.. maybe he will miss you??

OHHHH biggest advice I can give you that I wish I would have done months ago... go to you GP and tell him what's going on he maybe able to help you. Mine has and also gave me some advice. When I called to talk to his staff - they sucked - maybe I presented my problem wrong but GP helped and I wonder if I would have gone earlier if it would have helped w/ getting along w/ my H during the holidays.


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## pink4me (Feb 24, 2012)

Thanks... I needed to hear that I'm not the only one out there.

I don't have a choice, he's leaving.

Thank you for sharing


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## WantWhatsRight (Nov 2, 2011)

For what it is worth, you have a sympathetic ear (pair of eyes, I guess, since this is an internet forum) here.

I am asking myself the same question - when is it time to call enough, enough?

In your case, it seems like you do not have much of a choice. In a sense, and while you may not see it now, that may be the best thing for you. It takes two people to make a successful, loving, sharing relationship. If your H does not have his heart in it anymore and he knows that he wants something else, then he is justified in moving on. There is no sense in his pretending to be a part of something that he really is not invested in ...

The situation could be more gut wrenching, you both could be trying and you both could see some good/some bad in continuing the relationship. That is the place where you really have to ask and argue with yourself about "how long should I let it go on?". As I have read on these forums, some have let it go on for upwards of a decade (or more) - and finally found a way to make it work. Yet, consider how much of a loss of potential happy days that is ... waiting for a decade before you and your loved one actually fall in love with one another.

As it seems that your H is on his way out the door, I wish you the best of luck. I also strongly encourage you to seek IC, as well as to continue to participate in discussions (such as the forums here). I think this will provide you an opportunity to grow and discover a new level of joy and happiness than you might never have previously envisioned for yourself.

Best ...


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

just reading this and it's been a while since you posted this. I hope all is well. When I see 20+ years and problems and possible leaving it scares me...confuses me too! I am naive. 
I have a similar situation so an update would be nice.
Sorry you have this going on...


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> just reading this and it's been a while since you posted this. I hope all is well. When I see 20+ years and problems and possible leaving it scares me...confuses me too! I am naive.
> I have a similar situation so an update would be nice.
> Sorry you have this going on...


We were together almost 3 decades. It's hard. If you don't remember to work on your relationship it will suffer. We both forgot and got caught up in life in the last 2 yrs (I don't know if he'd agree but it's my perception). We use to be so aware... you can't lose that!


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## ZacThomas (Mar 5, 2012)

It is quite difficult for me to give any practical advice without knowing more about why your husband wants to divorce. Why he is feeling caged in the marriage? Why is he unsatisfied? Can you do anything to improve the situation? Have you gone to any therapy? Do you converse openly with one another? Are there other problems? Working towards greater happiness or fulfillment for both of you would be going in the accurate direction, but severing your marital bond would only be last alternative, after all other efforts are exhausted.


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