# Things I've Learned This Year About Infidelity-Part 2



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

As a continuation to “part 1” of “Things I’ve Learned This Year About Infidelity (part 1 can be found at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/20929-things-ive-learned-year-about-infidelity.html). As always, I’ve posted these to inspire lively discussion. I’ve learned the following:

9) Drugs and/or alcohol and/or depression are fertilizers for infidelity. “Girls Night Out” is bad news! Travelling for business is dangerous if you are unaccompanied by your spouse. Men and woman must be ever so cautious about having friendships with the opposite sex. One will usually lust for the other at some point! Not good for the marriage.

10) Never say never! The day of my wife’s revelation, I told her we were through and I was filing for divorce. She ran out of the house saying “I’m going to kill myself”! Hearing my wife reveal her infidelity, the most hurtful thing I’ve ever heard, my response was “Make it painful and don’t do it here.” Of course I never expected her to do it. She attempted. I realized that the affair was just a small part of a very sick person. I got my wife the help she needed so that she could be a better person than she was before the affair. I’ve learned that you can never say “Infidelity equals divorce.” You can never say “That would be the end if….” You just never know until you are “wearing those shoes”.

11) FACEBOOK! I could have combined my opinion about F*ckbook with #9 above, but Fu*kbook deserves a number all for itself. Let’s be honest…. While Facebook didn’t cause my wife to cheat nor was it the reason for it, it certainly made it easier. My wife would never have talked with her 10th grade boyfriend, whom she hadn’t seen or spoken to in 27 years, had I not casually mentioned that I saw his profile on FB (which lead to an 11 mo EA, culminating in a PA). Facebook is a dating, singles scene for married people. Its ok with everyone’s spouses to be there because they are there as well, engaged in the same behavior. I poll everyone who cares to debate this with me. The question is: “Have you looked up an ex-girlfriend or anyone you’ve ever slept with?” The answer is always “Yes”. Most often, I get, “Yes, I’ve looked up EVERY ex-girlfriend and EVERYONE I’ve ever slept with”. The follow-up question is “How many of those did you send a friend request to?” and the answer is often “All of them!” It’s just wrong! Nothing good can come of it. I remember my wife’s girlfriend getting all giggly one night as she was dying to show my wife her ex on FB. I bet her husband wouldn’t be happy to know about any of that!

12) Having done extensive “research” on infidelity following my wife’s revelation, I now realize how little I new about the subject. I also now realize how little I knew about having a “good” marriage. True intimacy was foreign to me. We bring what we learn from our parents or early caregivers into our marriage. We are two separate people coming together. Of course we are going to clash and have friction. One party can’t handle it and someone else makes them feel better. Next thing you know, they are doing the horizontal hokey pokey!

Ok. So this is getting long, once again. I may continue again with more thoughts and revelations in part 3 (if I go there).


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

keep it all in one thread it is easier to follow.


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## obviouslydesperate (Dec 8, 2011)

Workingitout: I really enjoyed your post. It all rings so true.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As for facebook, yes, it's not the cause for affairs, but it certainly does *facilitate* people reconnecting with old flames. My fWWs ex boyfriend from high school should have been long forgotten part of the past. But in the end, it was she who searched him out and sent the friend request and started this ball rolling. I hold her more accountable than facebook. Oh, I think her motives in the beginning were okay, but it quickly snowballed afte that....very quickly. 

Now Christmas and New Years is tainted. I'm not excited about the holiday season anymore.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I will only touch on FB, and say, that is why we don't have Ex's as friends... you should be a PM away with people you used to have sex with.


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