# Husband thinks of me more as a friend than wife



## amsmith

My husband and i have been together 12 years, married 3. He was 15 and i was 13 when we got together. We have a child together also. He just recently told me that for a while now he hasnt been "in love" with me. He said that he thinks of me 90 percent friend, 10 percent wife. We get a long great...we rarely fight. We both want to work it out but hes not sure if anything will change how he feels. Our relationship started going down hill after we had our child who is now 6 years old. We never go out and do anything such as dinner, movies etc. If we do something like that we are never alone..someone is always with us whether its our child or whoever. I think that this could have a lot to do with it...our relationship got boring we do the same thing day after day. I've brought this up to him and he hasnt really said much about it although we have been going out more together ALONE. We rarely have sex. He hardly ever even touches me. I dont know what to do? I dont know if its too late to save our marriage or if it can even be saved? Help Please!!


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## chefmaster

First, stop looking to him to make things better because it's not working.

1. Triple the time you spend on yourself everyday. If you have to put down housework to get the time you need that's ok, it doesn't sound like it's being appreciated right now anyway.
2. Get your friends, family, neighbors and anyone else you can think of involved in helping you with your ME time.
3. Spend the first few days making yourself look and feel like a woman again and not just a mom and wife. Plan on doing this every day.
4. Spend the next few days stealing as much time as possible to get out and do things with friends, family etc.
5. Give him a short friendly invite to things you are doing, including things that are happening at your house.

If he asks what's going on with you lately, tell him you have no idea what he's talking about.

You are just bored and doing something about it.


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## amsmith

Thank you for your reply. I don't do things for myself...ever! I just went last week for the first time in at least a year to get my hair cut and styled. I will definitely start working on ME!  Thanks again!


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## chefmaster

You're most welcome hon.

Please toss an update back up here if you need support, want to rant, or just tell someone how well it's going 

::hugs::


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## amig

I can relate to your situation. I've been married to my wife for over 20 years, it started out the same as yours, once kids were born. We never went out alone or together for us. Bottom line after many years over 20 the love on my side has died. Wife does not feel the same, she loves me, but on my side there is nothing. Biggest reason was she was always too busy and despite me helping or offering suggestion to go out and invest in realtionship, nothing ever happened. Sex too was dead. I think you still have time to save before it gets to were am at now. Good luck.


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## MataHari

Hi, since you are both aware of the situation, i think there is still time to do something about it. I am myself in a desperate situation. I wish my husband had been more specific about how he had been feeling since a couple of years now. (I have a previous post dated nov-10). Briefly, we have been married nearly 11 years, have two kids aged 6 & 10. After the bombshell was dropped somewhere end of Oct. now he has told me that he wants a divorce. He wants to move on with his life. He has also met this woman some two months ago and he says everything has changed....he has no feelings for me and we have to sit down to talk about how to find practical solutions to deal with things financially.....I am at a lost. Before all these, we never argued, never fought....one minute my life was normal and in the next it was like an earthquake which has destroyed my marriage, my family. I love my husband and I want to save my marriage. Apart from the hurt and pain, I am finding it so impossible to accept that he can take such a decision without even wanting to give it a try to repair things. Once again, if you read my previous posts, you will get an insight of how things have started, having less and less time for each other, because of work, kids, households....but since we never sat down to talk about it, we never did anything....he maintains that he had sent signals....I never thought things were so bad on his side, he never mentionned anything seriously and now he says that it's been going on since a couple of years....for God's sake, we went on holiday the two of us last feb for our 10yrs anniversary, in august we went on holidays with the kids as we always do once a year....until he met this woman in october....I want to fight for my marriage, I deeply love him and cannot imagine that all that we have done over the past 11years are falling apart. He says he will always love me as the mother of our kids but now I am only a friend to him....I am still struggling with emotions, at times I hate him for doing this to us, at the same time I love him a lot, I am also very sad, crying a lot...I have lost a lot of weight.....cannot sleep properly....we are still living together but since he was back from his last trip, a week 4days ago, we have not had sex, I feel that he does not want to be touched ...''out of respect for the OW''??? He is my husband and we are still sharing the same bed, I just want to love him and show it to him but I also feel hesitant, may be out of fear of being rejected .....My life is a mess right now.....I don't know how to handle things. I don't want my kids to suffer from a broken home...it is even harder to accept given the way everything has started....I would welcome any advice some of you may have.


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## dazedbeauty

I am so very sorry. I can definitely sense your desperation! If you look at the post above yours, Chefmaster had some very good suggestions. It takes a while to end a marriage, and he's still coming home, that tells me that he still feels that he should be with his family otherwise wouldn't he just stay with the OW? I know you are crushed, but why not do somethings for yourself? Get your hair done, paint your toenails or something that makes you feel good about you. Also, if possible find some counseling, if not couples, then for yourself. Some communities offer it free, just do an online search.
db
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MataHari

Thanks for your nice words. Just a few more points, he is still coming home because he said he cannot afford to move to a hotel or so....he wants to look for a flat in town though....we built our house together, this is one of the many other things we have achieved in 10years of marriage. Now he says we may have to sell it.....the OW lives in Canada we are in Europe. They are work mates but from different offices. Something else, I have started counselling for myself as he will never join me...not sure yet how this is helping me if not at least to be able to talk to someone who is not related to us in any way...I keep telling myself that I need to move on but it is very difficult because I never saw any of this coming....on the other hand I tell myself that we can still work out something, but he seems to have made up his mind....and I cannot see how this will change. My emotions are much too sensitive right now for me to think straight....


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## unbelievable

amsmith,

You said things started going "downhill" after the birth of your child, 6 years ago. Does that mean frequency of sex declined? Not to beat a dead horse, but if you two have not maintained a healthy level of intimacy, it's only natural that he would begin to view you as more "friend" than "lover", after 6 years.


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## amsmith

Yes frequency of sex declined- from him. I totally understand that would cause him to feel like that but what do I do to change it? Its him wanting it less, not me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedyoung

amsmith I could have written your post, except my husband doesn't realise he sees me as a friend yet, he just treats me like one. Our problems started pre-kids though.

I wanted to share something that might help though. For a long time my self esteem was really low, I wore jeans and trainers every day. If I went out somewhere nice I wore heels and my husband always complimented me. So I started wearing jeans and heels instead. I felt prettier and I think that came across. Do something to make yourself feel better, more confident, and I'm sure it will come across to your husband.

We also had a weekend away booked, we do it once a year, but it got cancelled due to severe snow. We kept our babysitters and went out on a silly night. Dinner and a movie has gotten boring. So we played crazy golf instead. We got competitive and wound each other up and bad shots and had a really good time. We laughed together! So rather than a proper date why not something like that? Bowling too maybe?


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## amsmith

(Marriedyoung) How long have you and your husband been together and how old were you when you got together? 
Usually when I get home from work, the first thing I do is put my compfy pants on...but lately I've been curling my hair (rather than straightening it) and wearing heels...even if its just to the grocery store. The first day I curled my hair- he came home from work and was like wow...you look really pretty! First time in a couple years he's told me that!
Our biggest issue is space- I don't give him enough. I feel like I can't spend enough time with him. When he gets home from work I want to be with him til he goes to bed. When he goes to the store I want to go with him. Its not that I don't trust him its because I miss him. I think that it might be like that because I don't get any attention from him? 
He went to 1 counseling session and the counselor told him to everyday- do something alone for 2 hours whether it be hang out in the garage, watch tv etc..then 3 hours for family time where we have dinner and spend time with our child and then 2 hours for us alone before we go to bed. He also told my husband to tell me not to initiate touching for at least 2 weeks. Its been a week and I see a difference in him. I have been keeping busy- not paying too much attention to him and he will come home from work and grab me and kiss me. We were in the truck and he held my hand as he was driving (he hasn't done that in forever) When we go to bed he's been cuddling with me before he goes to sleep. 2 nights in a row I've fallen asleep and he's woke me up to have sex. I cannot even remember the last time he "initiated" having sex! 
Obviously its going to take some time, we have a lot issues to work through but now I can see us working things out. Where as before neither of us could see things getting better and we both thought that it was over. We are starting to go out and do things together...he's a home body so we are starting slow with dinner and movies. I've mentioned bowling to him..neither of us like bowling but we both agreed itd be fun to go and just be silly. 
Thanx everyone- for the posts. I will keep ya updated! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chefmaster

amsmith said:


> I will keep ya updated!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do 
It's great to hear success stories on here and an inspiration to others coming here with similar problems.

I'm so glad to hear things are getting better for you guys, that's awesome.

::hugs::


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## Atholk

My blog is aimed at men, but you both might like it. Specially the "Sexy Moves" posts.

Married Man Sex Life: Sexy Moves


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