# does it get any better?



## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

I have been going through a state of depression since I had a face to face talk with the other woman (former friend) . I just am not sure what to think. I feel everything is getting swept under the rug which does not help. I know I need to move on. I am seriously thinking of some individual counseling for myself and not telling my husband. He was upset with me wanting to go to counseling period either marital or individual. I have been trying to channel my anger and frustrations by focusing on healthy habits like working out and eating healthy. Trying to not binge eat or drink myself into oblivion. It's got to get better, right?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

cam1974 said:


> I have been going through a state of depression since I had a face to face talk with the other woman (former friend) . I just am not sure what to think. I feel everything is getting swept under the rug which does not help. I know I need to move on. I am seriously thinking of some individual counseling for myself and not telling my husband. He was upset with me wanting to go to counseling period either marital or individual. I have been trying to channel my anger and frustrations by focusing on healthy habits like working out and eating healthy. Trying to not binge eat or drink myself into oblivion. It's got to get better, right?


Tell him to go to hell...If you need professional help, get it.....Things will only get better when you are on top of the situation, not the bottom...Do what you need for you. Is he still living at home? If so, what is the extent of the rug sweeping?


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

yes, he is still living at home. We have our good days and bad days. With regards to the rug sweeping, I feel like I have been lied to about the affair getting physical. There were some pretty specific details in some text messages that I saw. I asked my former friend about them again the other day. She tells me that if it had, that she would not be able to face me. But I am still taking this with a grain of salt.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

get into IC for yourself. also demand a polygraph and IC for your husband or you won't agree to recover the marriage with him. His reaction to this will tell you a lot.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

cam1974 said:


> I have been going through a state of depression since I had a face to face talk with the other woman (former friend) . I just am not sure what to think. I feel everything is getting swept under the rug which does not help. I know I need to move on. I am seriously thinking of some individual counseling for myself and not telling my husband. *He was upset with me wanting to go to counseling period either marital or individual.* I have been trying to channel my anger and frustrations by focusing on healthy habits like working out and eating healthy. Trying to not binge eat or drink myself into oblivion. It's got to get better, right?


If he does not want you to do what is best for you to help you heal then he is NOT remorseful...he is still being selfish...go to IC and if he gets p!ssed - screw him - him cheating really p!ssed you off - he has no leg to stand on in not wanting you to go to counseling...i'm sorry your H is being selfish and is not showing true remorse...it will NOT get better if your H standing in the way of your healing all it will do is help the anger and resentment build up...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Cam,

Pretty remarkable she can face you after sending videos to your husband of her "pleasing herself". Think about for this one minute, YOU just sent a video of yourself to your former friends husband, could you face her knowing she has seen you MASTURBATING?? Most likely not. But she CAN face you so you never find out the truth. 

You need to tell your husband that you deserve the truth, and you know just how to do this. Schedule him a polygraph, give him two days notice to get the day off of work. Next tell him you scheduled therapy for yourself, and in the FUTURE you will schedule MC. If he doesn't comply with this plan of action to save the marriage he ruined, fill out divorce papers in front of him. 

Tell him you have retained a pit bull attorney. Tell him he has no idea how bad his life is about to get. I would also call your former friend and tell her you her to take a polygraph also. A marriage and friendship should be worth that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cam1974 said:


> yes, he is still living at home. We have our good days and bad days. With regards to the rug sweeping, I feel like I have been lied to about the affair getting physical. There were some pretty specific details in some text messages that I saw. I asked my former friend about them again the other day. She tells me that if it had, that she would not be able to face me. But I am still taking this with a grain of salt.


How regularly are you in contact w/ this woman?

I ask because it sort of sounds like she's your "former" friend in name only.

How about your husband... is he still in contact w/ her _at all_?


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> How regularly are you in contact w/ this woman?
> 
> I ask because it sort of sounds like she's your "former" friend in name only.
> 
> How about your husband... is he still in contact w/ her _at all_?



this past weekend was the 1st time I verbally talked face to face with the OW (and yes she was a close friend of mine)since I found out about her affair with my husband 2 1/2 months ago. I very rarely have any contact with her. As far as I know, my husband has not attempted to contact her at all. I know she texted him to say hi about a week or so ago, which I was not happy about. I did block her number, so I know she cannot text for call him.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Cam - do you feel powerless in your marriage? You are actually driving the bus now - don't expect anything less than what you deserve. He should be bending over backwards to make this easier for you - that means IC for both of you/ probably MC and then agreeing to a polygraph. How do you feel about asking for this?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

cam1974 said:


> this past weekend was the 1st time I verbally talked face to face with the OW (and yes she was a close friend of mine)since I found out about her affair with my husband 2 1/2 months ago. I very rarely have any contact with her. As far as I know, my husband has not attempted to contact her at all. I know she texted him to say hi about a week or so ago, which I was not happy about. I did block her number, so I know she cannot text for call him.


Your H has a LONG way to go before you can even consider R with him...it sounds like he hasnt even begun his own journey of taking responsibility for his actions...you cant be married to a remorseless cheater and be happy long term..that will not work...is the OW married, does her H know if she is?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I'd be sharing her videos with the neighborhood. Stop by the local crack dealer corner and say hey guys....want a video...what's your phone number. 

But I'm like that.


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## cam1974 (Oct 24, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Your H has a LONG way to go before you can even consider R with him...it sounds like he hasnt even begun his own journey of taking responsibility for his actions...you cant be married to a remorseless cheater and be happy long term..that will not work...is the OW married, does her H know if she is?



the OW is not married but is living with the father of her two children whom is also one of my husbands good friends. He does know of this situation. This couple is also a part of a group of mutual friends, which none of them know what is going on either. trust me, I want this affair to be known to the world. But I held back because I don't want my daughters hating their father.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

cam1974 said:


> the OW is not married but is living with the father of her two children whom is also one of my husbands good friends. He does know of this situation. This couple is also a part of a group of mutual friends, which none of them know what is going on either. trust me, I want this affair to be known to the world. But I held back because I don't want my daughters hating their father.


Disclose the affair to the group of friends. You might be surprised what you find out when you do. Most decent people will be supportive of keeping your children out of the line of fire. 

I'd also keep your H away from the father of OW children who is living with OW. If they are still friends, something odds going on there too. 

Things get better, but little by little. You need to stop hiding secrets out of fear of shaming your H. He made bad choices, he needs to live with the consequences. If you hide them, you are taking on his burden. 

Then find a good therapist. Having someone to talk things out with is key to helping you find your center again. You are currently off balance. You don't know what's true and what's not. Your H is either a moron or manipulator for wanting to keep you from getting help. You'll figure out which as you regain trust in yourself and your own perceptions. 

He will get angry at you. By disclosing the affair to others, you are forcing him to see himself in the wrong. Most people have powerful denial mechanisms to protect themselves from the pain of such things. He will try to vilanize you for 'making him look bad' or 'punishing him for something that's past'. But realize you are not doing it to him, he did it to himself. You are just not protecting him from it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

cam1974 said:


> this past weekend was the 1st time I verbally talked face to face with the OW (and yes she was a close friend of mine)since I found out about her affair with my husband 2 1/2 months ago. I very rarely have any contact with her. As far as I know, my husband has not attempted to contact her at all. I know she texted him to say hi about a week or so ago, which I was not happy about. I did block her number, so I know she cannot text for call him.


Why are you talking w/ her AT ALL?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cam1974 said:


> I have been going through a state of depression since I had a face to face talk with the other woman
> 
> I feel everything is getting swept under the rug
> 
> He was upset with me wanting to go to counseling period


Wait, what?!

HE cheated on YOU and he's telling you that YOU can't go to therapy for what HE DID?!

Were you raised to be a doormat by your parents? I see no other reason why you would accept this situation. 

It should be YOU dictating to HIM under what circumstances you would even consider letting HIM get to stay married to you!

Do you have all his passwords? Does he hand over his electronics when you ask so you can verify he's no longer cheating? Has he written a No Contact letter to the OW that YOU agreed to? Has he stopped going anywhere except work without you? 

I think you have this all backwards.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cam1974 said:


> the OW is not married but is living with the father of her two children whom is also one of my husbands good friends. He does know of this situation. This couple is also a part of a group of mutual friends, which none of them know what is going on either. trust me, I want this affair to be known to the world. But I held back because I don't want my daughters hating their father.


That's a bullshyte reason. Tell the people in your circle of 'friends' so that they can help you keep an eye on these two. 

Your kids WILL find out. Trust me. They always do. And if they find out that YOU withheld important information, especially if you two are not getting along, they will blame YOU just as much as him. Tell the friends. Tell your H's parents. And if it gets back to your kids, tell them the truth. They'll make their own decision.

And her comment that she wouldn't be able to look you in the face? Do you know how a cheater is lying? They are speaking.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

cam - you HAVE to get strong here.... put your ***** boots on. be willing to lose the marriage to save it.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

cam1974 said:


> I have been going through a state of depression since I had a face to face talk with the other woman (former friend) . I just am not sure what to think. I feel everything is getting swept under the rug which does not help. I know I need to move on. I am seriously thinking of some individual counseling for myself and not telling my husband. He was upset with me wanting to go to counseling period either marital or individual. I have been trying to channel my anger and frustrations by focusing on healthy habits like working out and eating healthy. Trying to not binge eat or drink myself into oblivion. It's got to get better, right?


You get yourself to IC and you tell your husband exactly where you are going. You can move on, with or without him. If he wants you in his life he is going to have to tear up the rug, floor, and everything underneath which he will ultimately do if he really wants you. Whatever you decide, if he doesn't like it it just sucks to be him.
Word of warning though, you need clarity before making big decisions. That's part of the importance of IC. It will help you bring everything into focus and decide how YOU want to proceed. 

Exercise heart care: Do things that let you decompress as best you can. Find a friend to talk to if possible. 

Get an STD test, even if he claims it wasn't physical. 
At this point you don't know what is leaving out and better safe than really, really sorry. 

Former WS here. I speak from the experience of having been to "the dark side."


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It will get better, but not if you continue to appease him.

Right now you need to take care of you. Go to counseling if you need it. You should not need his permission. Did he ask you if he could bang your friend? Nope...so do what you need to do.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

stephscarlett said:


> Cam - do you feel powerless in your marriage? You are actually driving the bus now - don't expect anything less than what you deserve. He should be bending over backwards to make this easier for you - that means IC for both of you/ probably MC and then agreeing to a polygraph. How do you feel about asking for this?


THIS! Do NOT feel powerless. Make your plans to make an exit if need be, but take your power back. If you're angry, use that to energize you. You don't have to make decisions while you're emotional that affect the rest of your life and your future, but you can start taking action to make yourself stronger and prepare yourself for any outcome and not take the bovine scatology anymore.

And what Turnera said. Put on your big girl panties and stick up for yourself. IF OW is trying downplay and minimize, and h refuses to go to counseling, you do need to get to the bottom of things and you need to know, and you need full information before you can work through your emotions and decide what to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You realize that they're laughing at you, right? The two of them? Laughing about how gullible and weak-willed you are. Right where they want you.


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