# Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage



## just-me333

My husband of 10 years gave me a choice between him & my 19 year old son. My son lived with us until he was in 9th grade & then went to live w/his dad per our divorce agreement, however he was at my house 3 weekends a month & on school breaks. At 19 he got a new job close to our home & too far for him to commute from his dad's. He asked if he could live w/us for 3 months while he saved enough money to move out. He was going to do chores & pay some rent. He's a good kid;no drugs, drinking, respectful. etc. My husband said yes, my son moved in and 2 days later hubby changed his mind & said "no" because his life was "too perfect & he didn't want an intruder" in our home. I was stunned & so hurt! There were never any issues when my son lived with us. My son stayed for a few days however my husband was horrid to both of us so my son moved to a friend's house to spare me my husband's wrath. We'd helped his kids countless times. I moved out shortly thereafter as our relationship went downhill quickly thereafter. My son moved in w/me. My husband has apologized to me & wants me back cuz he's sad & lonely. But I'm so hurt & do not trust him anymore to be there for me or my family. A parent shouldn't have to chose between a spouse and their child. He has always been jealous of my relationship with my children, all of whom are responsible adults & have tried to include him their lives. I told him if I were to come back so would my son as he is now going to college full time and working part-time. Husband is dancing around the subject by saying we can "help pay for an apt for him, etc. etc." To me, this says he's not changed and it's still all about him. I did all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, handled our finances, worked full-time, took care of the pool, etc. He did the yard which is low maintenance. When I asked for help in the house or with anything he would tell me he can't do it as well as I do or wouldn't do it good enough. My family is thrilled I left as they saw him as controlling, selfish and manipulative. Think "Sleeping w/the Enemy" without the abuse. 

Need some unbiased, second opinions, please, as my husband is such a salesman & makes me doubt my decision to not go back.


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## RandomDude

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

It's going to be difficult to be unbiased on this... but I'll try.



> A parent shouldn't have to chose between a spouse and their child.


No parent should, but in my opinion, it shouldn't even be a choice.
Your child is irreplacable - but that's just me. I've been rejected before, and kicked out of the house by my own mother at 12 years old, starting my life of 6 years on the streets - just because her bf at that time didn't want me around.

So I know the feeling very well of having a parent reject you, that trauma screwed me up a bit. However, your child is 19 yrs old, so he should be able to find his own life at that age. If I was you, I would tell your son that his stepdad doesn't like him, but I wouldn't tell him to leave. At 19 yrs old, he'll move out eventually, not to mention he would want you happy as well, and appreciate your sacrifice.

To be honest, and I hate to admit it, but your husband reminds me of that bastard who was rather lucky he broke up with mum and disappeared. Wanted to hunt him down when I was 16, had the resources to as well if he had stayed in the city.


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## MsLonely

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

If your husband wants to help paying for his place to stay, you can't say he's a bad step-father.

You will need more communication with your husband.

My husband has no problem to live with my daughter (16 years old) now or in the future because they have been living together for 8 years. So my husband has been rasing her up, supporting her studies & regarding her as his own child.

He even wants to support her to go to high school & then university when I would support her only upto ploytechic & she should stand on her own feet.

So the issue is, if your husband never lives with your son for many years, they don't really have a father & son realtionship.

It would be understandable that he prepers to pay for your son for his own place, which isn't a bad idea for a 19 year old boy.


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## major misfit

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

It doesn't seem to me that the issue is really the son. It sounds like your husband is an incredibly selfish person. It's all about him. That he has the gall to ask you to choose between him and your son in the first place speaks volumes. Is he a narcissist? 
This man is showing you who he is. Do you believe him?


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## Atholk

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*



just-me333 said:


> My family is thrilled I left as they saw him as controlling, selfish and manipulative.


If you family is thrilled about you moving out, what more do you need to hear from us?

Seems like a no brainer.


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## golfergirl

QUOTE=major misfit;238910]It doesn't seem to me that the issue is really the son. It sounds like your husband is an incredibly selfish person. It's all about him. That he has the gall to ask you to choose between him and your son in the first place speaks volumes. Is he a narcissist? 
This man is showing you who he is. Do you believe him?[/QUOTE]

I don't think husband is reasonable. This is your child. If he was a drug addict, didn't follow house rules or was disrespectful, it's a different story, but I too would make same decision as you did. i
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just-me333

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

Thank you everyone for your input ~ I appreciate it. In retrospect, in re-reading my post and your responses, I realize I've made the right decision & will stick with it. I'm happier and less stressed not being around him; although he hounds me daily to return.

RandomDude, my heart goes out to you. I hope you're doing well.

As to Ms.Lonely, my son did live my husband and me for several years and spent weekends/summers with us so the relationship wasn't new. 

GolferGirl, he is a narcissist. His nickname is "Mr.Perfect."


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## major misfit

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*



just-me333 said:


> GolferGirl, he is a narcissist. His nickname is "Mr.Perfect."


He's so perfect that he managed to run his relationship into the ditch perfectly. Did an awesome job of that. 
Anyone with half a brain doesn't ask a woman (or a man, for that matter) to choose between them or the children. Smacks of arrogance and childishness (is that even a word, lol?) to me. 
I wish you the best. Truly.


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## ladyybyrd

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

You should never have to chose between you husband and your child. My decision would always be my child.


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## turnera

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

Update? Did you stay away from him and choose your son?


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## just-me333

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

Turnera - No, I have not gone back to my husband despite the fact that he begs me to daily, says he's sorry, changed, etc. I don't trust or believe him anymore. I've been so incredibly hurt by him and his lack of love for me & our marriage that I can't go back. I know we're supposed to forgive, but he's destroyed a part of me & the thought of going back is too depressing. It would be wrong of me to go back and give him false hope. I thought I was a strong person, positive and upbeat, but for some reason, this has thrown me for a loop & broke my heart and I'm still so hurt; guess cuz I never thought he would think that it was okay for him to make a unilateral decision about "his" happiness and "our "marriage which is what he did. I know I need to get over it and move on but it's so hard, but I'm trying! Guess it if hadn't loved him so much and been so committed to us and him it would be easier to move on. I just don't understand how he could have done such a thing; I never could have or would have; it's just so wrong. I take one day at a time and be thankful for my friends and family.


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## turnera

*Re: Husband Wants Me Back;Forced Me to Choose Between Him & Son from Prior Marriage*

Well, I'm glad you didn't. I know that sounds mean, but I mean it in the sense that you are valuing yourself. And that's important. Does it help to think about the fact that many men, IMO, just ARE slef-serving and self-absorbed? I think that some men are allowed to be raised being that way. Or they just are. I truly think it's part of being male - needing to be that way, going back to caveman days. While women were built to be nurturers. So we can be at a disadvantage.


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