# So sick of this.



## SRN

You know what pisses me off? That I'm still racked with guilt. This is bull****! I mean it's been two and a half months since SHE walked out! A month since I found out about the OM! And yet I wake up every morning feeling like I f*cked up. That I should have done something different. That I want her back. I'm so sick of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy

I deal with that every day, mine has gotten worse lately since she told me she was dating another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrlonelyhearts

I had those kinds of feelings a lot in the beginning. I knew what I did wrong to push her away and was very angry at myself for that. The warning signs were every where, but I either ignored them or reacting in such a way that it did not help.

However, I now understand what was going on that I was acting that way. 

You probably heard this already, but it really does take two to make a relationship succeed or fail. 

In time, you will learn to forgive yourself for your part and be angry at her for her part in this.


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## sd212

F this. I did the same thing for a long time and still do at times. Fact is, you clearly see what you did wrong and it could be fixed if that is what she wanted. The fog of OM certainly helps her not care for this fact but it really doesn't matter. Seriously man, drop the guilt. If she wanted it fixed she could have it fixed. I'm so tired of seeing my wife and her saying crap like "sometimes I'm still mad at you for driving me away." I understand the MINOR issues we had now and they have been vaporized.

No guilt. It takes two like has been said. They left for the wrong reasons and will do whatever it takes to absolve their own guilt. Maybe you've seen this before but it really summed everything up for me and helped me drop the guilt.
Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome - YouTube


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## bandit.45

SRN my question is why you even let the conversation get to that point? When the b*tch starts talking like that, why engage? Hang up the damn phone! Or walk away! You and Proud seem to have a problem understanding this simple concept.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

There's only been one being on this planet who was perfect and He was crucified for it. The rest of us are only human. There's not a soul alive who's ever had even one day in which they couldn't have done something a little better. She chose to have an affair. That was her choice and there's nothing you could have done that would have justified her choice. If she was that displeased with you, she could have tried to fix things or she could have left. She decided to find another dude. Screw her and the horse she road in on. 
Self-examination is wonderful. Learn from the experience and let the lessons help you become a better person. Guilt, on the other hand, is just the devil's tool and serves no legitimate good purpose.


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## unsure78

SRN this is the selfish path that she choose, like the others said it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she choose not to. that is not your fault. did you do all you could once you were aware of the issues? if you did SRN then you should have no regrets. its all on her then
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove

I feel the same way SRN. I feel the regret every day that I didn't fix my issues long ago. Now that I have it's too late. He left me for lt ow. He says he knows I have changed for the better but it's too late he loves her. I know in my head that it wasn't my fault he cheated but in my heart I just keep thinking I could have prevented this if I had been a better wife. The sadness and the lonliness are killing me.


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## proudwidaddy

Srn.....you and I are made of the same cloth I believe. Did you fight for your marriage? Yes you did. You tried, but you can't make someone love you, you can't control their actions. We are at a crossroads right now, we can't go back.....we can only go forward. However, the only person that can make you go forward is YOU! Its taken me awhile to learn that lesson. Its ok to slid back once in awhile, but then move forward. Don't let anyone but you define who you are. PM if you ever need to talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hoosier

SRN. I so know this feeling! I have been the King of Guilt! I ignored the problems, going to work on them soon. By the time I started it was to late. I did everything I could to try and make it right, she was "not interested in that right now". She had another that is so much better than I, never mind our 30 year marriage, the POSOM, my friend, the four time loser who is 15 years older than me, who can't understand what the issue is ..... Sorry for rant, I am learning each day that you cannot control another person, the fact that I DESIRED to try, she did not, is on her. I am able to live with myself because I really tried. In the years ahead you and I will be able to let it go, our ws will not. They choose! We are not guilty except maybe of choosing the wrong person to put our faith in. It does get better, I am 9 months from DD, each month it gets better, I have relapses, but it is getting better and it will for you. Hang in there bud, work on yourself, improve your self, for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford

I wanted to try and work things out, he didn't
now I'm really glad he didn't - every time I've seen him I've felt better and better about the split
but then I really don't mind being on my own...


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## SRN

bandit.45 said:


> SRN my question is why you even let the conversation get to that point? When the b*tch starts talking like that, why engage? Hang up the damn phone! Or walk away! You and Proud seem to have a problem understanding this simple concept.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've had no contact with her for a month. She got in her car after we signed and drove away, that was the last time I saw or spoke to her. There is no engaging except in my own mind, and thats the hardest.


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## SRN

unsure78 said:


> SRN this is the selfish path that she choose, like the others said it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she choose not to. that is not your fault. did you do all you could once you were aware of the issues? if you did SRN then you should have no regrets. its all on her then
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once she slapped me in the face with ILYBNILWY, yes I did. But she was already gone and sleeping with POSOM at that point and out of the house two days later so i really didn't even get a chance. She even said that the reason she left so quickly was that she was afraid that if she stayed, I'd be able to convince her to stay for good. Real piece of work.


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## unbelievable

Regardless of how motivated or determined one might be, one can't play tennis alone. One's inability to succeed at solo tennis is not a personal failure but the simple limitations of the game. The game requires two.


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## Jayb

cantmove said:


> I feel the same way SRN. I feel the regret every day that I didn't fix my issues long ago. Now that I have it's too late. He left me for lt ow. He says he knows I have changed for the better but it's too late he loves her. I know in my head that it wasn't my fault he cheated but in my heart I just keep thinking I could have prevented this if I had been a better wife. The sadness and the lonliness are killing me.


I am having difficulty forgiving myself. I say I have, but reality is different. 

I struggle with this scenario. If I had done this, or been more actively engaged, she would not have pulled away. WE would have made it. Etc.

What can we do now? We only have control of us. No matter how much time we spend wishing or hoping or regretting, none of it helps us or gets them back. There's sadness there, but one day, hopefully, we'll be ok with that sadness.


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## Goobertron

I've been divorced for 3 years, separated for 4. I used to feel like that too. I think it's only natural to want to blame yourself. For me it was not only about feeling responsible for looking after my wife and family but also I guess feeling generally disempowered while she seemed on an incredible high. Also I didn't want to think badly of the ex after what seemed like a happy marriage.

It felt terrible that there was something I could have done but didn't and now the moment has passed and left me behind. Eventually with perspective it gets better. I know now it wasn't true in my case as she was in love with an OM in an EA.

On the plus side accepting responsibility for something shows maturity and reflecting on the end can be a useful thing when considering possible improvements for longevity of future relationships and compatible mate selection. However the down-side is its a real funk to obsess over it and can create feelings of depression and anxiety which then need to be chased away. Imagine trying to date with no self-confidence as a result of obsessing on what was lost (I've been there). It's like that epic poem "Of Mice and Men", in the hidden verse where the mouse's marriage falls apart ..


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