# Advice about ex-spouse



## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

I have been divorced for years and have since re-married, however my current husband and I are separated. A major issue in our marriage is my ex-husband. We don't really talk much anymore and I have no idea what he's doing with his life, but I admit I am still unable to fully let go of our marriage and divorce. He is one of my friends on Facebook and it is comforting to me. I can see that he's still alive and doing well without the stress of talking directly to him. I know this is not an excuse, but I was very young when we got married and I was really in love. It's just a difficult area for me.

I am current hubby's first wife and major love so he really doesn't sympathize at all with how I feel. He wants hubby #1 completely gone and erased as if he never existed. 

Can anyone share their thoughts or give advice about this? I don't want to hurt my husband but I also want to let go of my ex on my own time. We used to talk and I used to go see him and over time it's become like this where we just Facebook observe each other. I'm sure eventually I'll be able to let go of that, too and it will be easier on my time. What do you think?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Need more info..

How old are you. 

How long were you married to #1?

How long have you been married to #2?

And how much time was there between the 2 marriages?


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

24

1 1/2 years

3 years

5 months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You know the answer. 

You're married to someone. 

There can only be one. 

Chose!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> 24
> 
> 1 1/2 years
> 
> ...


How old are the two husbands?
How long did you date #1 before you married him?

Ok, now I get it.

5 months is not enough time to get over one marriage and move on to the next. Until you are over your first husband you really should not have married someone else. It's not fair to #2. How would you like it if #2 was always thinking about some old girl friend of his? 

If you and #2 divorce, take a year or two to heal from both marriages. Then when you date... get to know someone for 1-2 years before you get married. rushing into marriage seldom leads to anything good.

And yes, you should end all contact with your ex if your current husband wants that. Most married people do not want the ex's around... not even as facebook friends. A huge % of affairs start on facebook these days so it's not a safe place.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two husbands?
> How long did you date #1 before you married him?
> 
> #1 is 26 #2 is 25. #1 and I dated for 7 months
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I was married at 23. Even that was very young. 

You are 24 and on your second marriage already in crisis.

Indeed 5 mos is too short a time. Hoepfully husband #2 was not the reason you divorced from #1.

Anyway, no way you should have stayed in contact with #1 once you comitted to #2.

Wothout more information you should cut ties with #1 and put your energies into your marriage with #2. #2 had every right to expect you to cut loose of #1.

The final answer may be to forget both of them and for you to get your own act together.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

It's too bad that you rushed into a new relationship before healing from your divorce. So you have been married to your current husband three years and still keep tabs on your ex-husband. And you can't understand why this upsets your current husband, in fact you resent him for not sympathizing with you? Unbelievable.

Didn't you vow to forsake all others when you married your husband? 

You have been disloyal to your husband for the past three years, and you need to let the past go, block the ex on Facebook before you find yourself a two time loser. Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes. All too often (choose one: lonely, neglected, frustrated, misunderstood) spouses reach out to past loves. Surely you can see why he would be bothered by your continued interest in the ex-husband. You are being terribly unfair to your husband.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

5 months was too short, but I did not divorce #1 for #2. 

I kind of reached the point of forgetting both of them to get myself together which is why I left #2 for separation, but #2 still wants to work on our marriage after all this so I feel bad about it. 

I know that it's bad to keep in contact with my ex but can anyone offer any sound advice for how to let go? It's hard


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> It's too bad that you rushed into a new relationship before healing from your divorce. So you have been married to your current husband three years and still keep tabs on your ex-husband. And you can't understand why this upsets your current husband, in fact you resent him for not sympathizing with you? Unbelievable.


This is what I was going to say.

You want advice now but you made a mistake when you got involved and then married with your current husband and you're still making mistakes.

It's obvious that your second marriage is in trouble because you never let your first husband go, this one seems to be entirely on you not husband #2. Except that if hubby #2 was aware of your connection with hubby #1 that might have been a red flag. If it was me I would have dumped you as soon as I was aware you were still in regular contact with hubby 1. 

Either find a way to let go of husband 1, and start by defriending him on FaceBook and cutting all remaining ties, get some counseling, or divorce husband number 2 and chase one or both exhusbands around for years or until you find a way to move on.



Confused99 said:


> I don't want to hurt my husband but I also want to let go of my ex on my own time.


Times up.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Okay, I am trying to understand this. How did the first marriage end? Did he leave you? Why is it so important for you to remain connected?


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

I sympathize. It took me a while to get over an old flame after I was married. We were friends on Facebook. I just had to stop interacting at all and focus on the present. That's what you need to do, whether it's the present with H#2 or a present with neither.

You're doing well to try to work on yourself. I would bet that if you keep making progress in that direction, one day you'll wake up and be in that comfortable frame of mind where you think kindly on your ex but don't feel any need to reach out or interact. The past will stay put where it belongs.

It's hard to do, but removing all contact, including passive Facebook observation, is really going to be the best way to get over it and move on.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

I divorced my first husband because he was cheating on me. But I just have a really hard time being mad at him. I just remember how happy I was when we got along and how much in love I was. #2 and I have had problems from the start so we really didn't have the "honeymoon stage" that #1 and I had. I don't really want to be with #1 right now but I can't imagine just completely severing the ties with him and never knowing anything about him for the rest of my life. Every time I've tried to delete him I get a lot off anxiety. I dont want to be with him but I also cant move on


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Confused99 said:


> I don't really want to be with #1 right now but I can't imagine just completely severing the ties with him and never knowing anything about him for the rest of my life. Every time I've tried to delete him I get a lot off anxiety. I dont want to be with him but I also cant move on


I've heard of rebound relationships but you've got yourself a rebound marriage + pregnancy.

Not good.

Sounds like hubby #2 is a nice guy who got caught up in the crossfire. 

That's a shame.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't you think your emotional attachment to your Ex took away energies that should have been invested into the relationship with your husband? That the lack of a full commitment has caused the problems in your marriage. Also that you are emotionally cheating on your husband?

Maybe this read can guide you.

12 Ways To Recover from an Emotional Affair | World of Psychology


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> I divorced my first husband because he was cheating on me. But I just have a really hard time being mad at him. I just remember how happy I was when we got along and how much in love I was. #2 and I have had problems from the start so we really didn't have the "honeymoon stage" that #1 and I had. I don't really want to be with #1 right now but I can't imagine just completely severing the ties with him and never knowing anything about him for the rest of my life. Every time I've tried to delete him I get a lot off anxiety. I dont want to be with him but I also cant move on


Consider this: Are you really in love with #1? Or are you in love with the idea of him; the idea of what he was like when the two of you were in your honeymoon period? Perhaps the reason you could not let the thought of him go when you were with #2 is that you did not have that honeymoon period. Maybe you are pining for what you had, not for #1. You just have not realized that yet and so have not separated the man from the model of the type of relationship you want.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

sharkeey said:


> Sounds like hubby #2 is a nice guy who got caught up in the crossfire.


I can't argue with this. Although #2 isn't totally without some responsibility. He is an adult and could've had the sense not to marry someone who just got divorced. But what's done is done.

On my end, like I said in a previous post I am trying to work on my part. This may shed some more clarity on this whole mess, but since marrying #2 I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So yes I have made some impulsive decisions. I'm in therapy now and on medication and I need to know where to go from here. Do I chaulk both marriages up to being a mistake I made when I wasn't mentally healthy and walk away empty...or do I try to fix the ginormous chaos my marriage with #2 has become because of #1 and other issues? and if I try to work on #2 how do I finally move past #1?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> I can't argue with this. Although #2 isn't totally without some responsibility. He is an adult and could've had the sense not to marry someone who just got divorced. But what's done is done.
> 
> On my end, like I said in a previous post I am trying to work on my part. This may shed some more clarity on this whole mess, but since marrying #2 I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So yes I have made some impulsive decisions. I'm in therapy now and on medication and I need to know where to go from here. Do I chaulk both marriages up to being a mistake I made when I wasn't mentally healthy and walk away empty...or do I try to fix the ginormous chaos my marriage with #2 has become because of #1 and other issues? and if I try to work on #2 how do I finally move past #1?


Do you care for #2? Did you ever feel like you were in love with him? There is the possibility that he is the right guy for you. But you found him at the wrong time. Maybe the two of you can start over from the very beginning.

Start dating like he is someone new. For example start with a few short dates just for coffee. The progress up spending more time together. 

Give this a time limit. Reassess how things are going ever 3 months. If it’s going well continue. If it’s not going well end it and move on.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They can help in the two of you rebuilding your relationship, bringing the passion and fun into the marriage that you seem to be craving, and affair proof the marriage.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Confused99 said:


> I divorced my first husband because he was cheating on me. But I just have a really hard time being mad at him. I just remember how happy I was when we got along and how much in love I was. #2 and I have had problems from the start so we really didn't have the "honeymoon stage" that #1 and I had. I don't really want to be with #1 right now but I can't imagine just completely severing the ties with him and never knowing anything about him for the rest of my life. Every time I've tried to delete him I get a lot off anxiety. I dont want to be with him but I also cant move on


Have you heard the saying " when people show you who they are, believe them"? Your ex cheated on you, disrespected you, exposed you to who knows what diseases and you still love him. I would suggest you seek out therapy for your low self esteem/ lack of self respect. Maybe in some way you are sabatoging your marriage because you don't think you deserve to be loved and cherished. 

Have an honest discussion with your husband about how you still have feelings for the ex, maybe then he can begin to let you go and move on eventually to someone that will truly love him.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Confused99 said:


> I can't argue with this. Although #2 isn't totally without some responsibility. He is an adult and could've had the sense not to marry someone who just got divorced.


That's true and I said as much in an earlier post. All that means is that if you decide to walk away from this marriage you can feel a bit less guilty because it was his bad decision as well. Doesn't fix anything, doesn't solve anything but maybe it will make it easier for you in the long run for whatever that's worth.



Confused99 said:


> Do I chaulk both marriages up to being a mistake I made when I wasn't mentally healthy and walk away empty...


That seems to be the best course of action but who here can really answer that question based on a few brief paragraphs describing both of your marriages?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Confused99 said:


> This may shed some more clarity on this whole mess, but since marrying #2 I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So yes I have made some impulsive decisions. I'm in therapy now and on medication


Maybe you should have mentioned this first.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Do you care for #2? Did you ever feel like you were in love with him? There is the possibility that he is the right guy for you. But you found him at the wrong time. Maybe the two of you can start over from the very beginning.
> .



I don't know. I guess I do or I would've completely let him go at this point. I used to care very strongly for him. We dated in high school and I was completely sprung I balled my eyes out when he broke up with me. Seems so long ago 

I can't "date" him at this point because I moved back home when we separated. But he said he is going to visit in a month. This is why I'm trying to sort through this now. I don't know whether to try to start over when he comes or just let him know he needs to move on


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

any more thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> any more thoughts?


So what do you get out of all the responses you have had so far?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> I don't know. I guess I do or I would've completely let him go at this point. I used to care very strongly for him. We dated in high school and I was completely sprung I balled my eyes out when he broke up with me. Seems so long ago
> 
> I can't "date" him at this point because I moved back home when we separated. But he said he is going to visit in a month. This is why I'm trying to sort through this now. I don't know whether to try to start over when he comes or just let him know he needs to move on


You are bi-polar. People who are bi-polar tend to gravitate to drama and danger. 

This guy broke up with you in high school, later you married him and he cheated and mistreated you. Now you cannot let him go.

Your attachment to him is unhealthy. Of course you should not see him or go out with him. 

Remember how you felt when you found out he cheat. Do you remember that? Every time you think of him remember that pain. That's who he is to you...that pain.

If you cannot let him go then you cannot be with #2 because you are using #2 as your plan B.

So be with no man for a while until you get over this nonsense with #1. What you feel for him is not love. It's the excitement of drama and danger.

Take up sky diving... it does the same thing to your brain chemistry and does not break your heart.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> So what do you get out of all the responses you have had so far?


Well I'm still trying to process it all. I pretty much gather no one supports me having anything to do with #1. not sure about #2
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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