# Feeling anxious and jealous of my wifes male friend



## 1999

Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some advice.

I have been happily married for over two years with no problems. A couple of weeks ago my wife began talking to a male friend of hers on a social network site. She knew this friend around 5 years ago and they basically just hung around together occasionally after meeting through mutual friends. They decided they would meet up some time to catch up and exchanged mobile numbers. They text each other quite a lot over the next few days before meeting up for a few hours while having food and a few drinks. After this they have decided they should start meeting up more often.

I do feel like I trust my wife 100% but the idea of her having a male friend who she meets and texts regularly really makes me feel uneasy. I said to her that I didn't feel totally comfortable with it but I don't want to be a controlling husband who tells her who she can and cannot see. She told me she didnt want to not be able to have a friend just because I didnt feel comfortable about it, and pointed out that I am still friends with a couple of my friends (all male) despite her not really liking them.

Now I have kind of a sick and anxious feeling which I guess is jealousy and despite trusting her I still cant stop feeling this way. Has anyone else had a situation like this? Anyone just have some good advice for not feeling so bad?

*A little more info: My wife has been totally honest in talking about this friend. She did say she has kissed him in the past. I have never been cheated on in the past so have no history from which my feelings may stem.

Many thanks!


----------



## the guy

I think if the shoe was on the other foot, your wife would have the same issue with your female friend. Maybe not. But the point is your wife does not respect your feelings and that sucks big time.

It sound like she is nieve to the protential for things to go south.

I personally would keep a close eye on her behavior. Look for unaccountable amounts of time she is gone. This she has no answer for. Keep an eye on her dress. What I mean is she dressing sexier. The big thing is secrecy. If she starts getting really protective of her cell and lap top she is hiding the fact that things have crossed the line.

Keep an eye out if the "girls night out" starts getting regular. That is the worst. There are many more red flags that can be found on line.

Do not bury your head in the sand...this thing can go bad for you. Trusting her is one thing, trusting the friend is another. What I mean if you don't take control of the situation, you will soon find your wife saying"I did mean to it just happened" or " I was drunk and it just happened" the worse thing that can be right around the corner is "I am falling for this guy and I need space and I'm confussed". 

This is a bad deal so please as much as you trust your wife, and right now she believes nothing will happen..it is not worth the risk. Especially this early in there "relationship".

So be warned, and keep a quit eye on her texting use and the amount of cell phone time. You may need to print out the account statements to show her hao inappropreiate she is being. It is a matter of time so stay close. Do not trust the friend... investigate him.

Bottom line she is not respecting you as her husband and male friend will lead to no good for you. There is so much protential for "I didn't mean it to happen" if you know what I mean?


----------



## Camper

Before I was married I lived with a woman. She had friends, I trusted her, and she cheated on me (twice). My wife, who I trust, has friends and has never cheated on me. 

The hard part about opposite sex friends is when it becomes too much. You begin to worry what your partner is getting (emotionally) outside the relationship that she isn't getting from the relationship. Or else, why all the contact. But, if you say something, then you look insecure, distrustful and controlling. 

If she didn't love you then she wouldn't have married you. She has been honest with you. I think you should love and support her. Once out of context with this issue, you should work on setting mutually agreed upon boundaries that you are both comfortable with.


----------



## Powerbane

You should probably check it out anyway. 

Trust your gut - it's probably correct. 

Ask to go with her to the next meet-up or drinks. Watch her body language. If she sweats or gets flustered the you have cause for concern. 

Big red flag for me is she has admitted to kissing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrK

Camper said:


> If she didn't love you then she wouldn't have married you.



Not necessarily...


----------



## the guy

My wife loves me and I love her we both treated each other like sh*t. We just got lost and "it" can happen. So please look into to this, and do it your self. Asking her will only give you more grief.

I don't care if there female or male friends..if they are toxic to the marriage it needs to be addressed!


----------



## F-102

She may just be "dropping hints". There is probably much, much more to this than she is admitting.


----------



## 1999

F-102 said:


> She may just be "dropping hints". There is probably much, much more to this than she is admitting.


What do you mean by dropping hints?


----------



## russ101

The mere fact that she admits to having a history with this guy (kissing) should be reason enough for you to insist she not see him anymore. They obviously had feelings for eachother at one time at least. It is a very reasonable request for you to make of your spouse to not have contact with someone she has kissed in the past. If she respects you at all in this marriage, she should see that. How would she feel if you started hanging out again alone with one of your former girlfriends?


----------



## loren

Surely, if they're as close as all that she'd like him to meet the main man in her life, and she'd want you two to become friends? IMO, if there's nothing going on and they're just friends then why would you be left out of that? Could she intentionally be trying to make you jealous? I think that's what the 'dropping hints' comment was getting at. Maybe you pi$$ed her off and this is her passive aggressive way of getting back at you, as the texting is frankly overt. i.e. maybe nothing's going on, but she wants you to worry...

Go out with them together, and get to know him. What do you know about him, other than at some point he fancied your wife? Is he married/in a relationship? At the very least, say you want to meet him. Invite him for dinner or go out, just the three of you. If your wife objects to this for any reason, then I would have cause for concern. If she is happy with the three of you being friends, then it could all just be paranoia, but I would let her know how you feel about the texting thing, and ask her how she'd feel if you were texting an old hookup...


----------



## tobio

Is it the guy in question you have uneasy feelings about? Or would you feel the same about her having a friendship with ANY guy?

I can tell you my particular situation. Most of my close friends are guys. I meet up with them at different times, both on my own and with OH. My best friend is a guy. I often go round to his house for a cuppa and a chat, sometimes his wife is there and sometimes not. I knew him before getting together with OH, and if OH ever said he felt uncomfortable, I would listen and take time to understand, but I would not let my OH dictate whether or not I am allowed to be friends with someone, or if I'm allowed to be friends with guys.

That line guys say to women about "I trust you... It's HIM I don't trust..." That is one of the most patronising things I've ever had said to me (not from my OH.) Please don't ever reel that one out!

I also have a good friend whom I have kissed when we first met years ago. Things never went beyond that and we are now good platonic friends. OH has questioned me in passing but never made a big deal of it; I have brought said friend out with us on occasion so he could get to know OH as well.

Why not suggest all going out together? Before you go saying anything else, take some time. I'm not of course saying it's beyond the realm of possibility that there may be more to it, but there is also the possibility that it is innocent and you could be intervening in a friendship where it isn't warranted. You could get to know him and see them together and take it from there.


----------



## Atholk

The other guy wants to have sex with her, no question about that.

Keylogger the computer and see what the messages are that they are exchanging.


----------



## Rob774

Good points listed by all on here. Trust... but verify. Don't be a fool, have you ever personally met this guy? I'd have a really big probleml for my wife to go meet some guy repeated times, and i haven't even met him. I'm a stickler to patterns, and i don't like change much. So for my wife to start "hanging out" with a old guy friend would really set off alarms within me. My wife has an old bud that she knew prior to me. I met him, he seems cool, but he's been out of the picture for almost a decade since we've moved so much. IF... he were to reshow, i ofcourse would understand her keeping in touch and perhaps going out to hang... just not all the time. I'm sorry i don't think that **** is healthy in a marriage. I don't routinely hang out with other women, i don't expect my wife to do the same. YOu have to errect proper boundaries in a marriage. To me doing this violating said boundaries. 

I have female friends, who are married, but despite this, some are imcomplete. They are just a compliment and drink away from an affair. I don't need some guy friend on my wife's hip to be a IN CASE OF EMERGENCY... BREAK GLASS to get this penis. I'm sorry, but this how EA's start. Be kind, watch your words, but you've got away to limit these meetings or else be a active participant in them.


----------



## Smoothie

I feel like you can trust your wife, but not necessarily the other guy. You should tell her that she's not the issue and that your only concern is the male friend. Then tell her that you're really trying to see it her way, and that you'd like to go out to dinner with both of them 

This way you can observe their body language as well as being in control of the situation, something your wife might respect/be attracted to. The best avenue is to be firm and fair about your feelings.


----------



## F-102

1999 said:


> What do you mean by dropping hints?


I mean she is "warning" you about the OM, so that later she could say: "I gave him so many chances to change, even hinted that I could fall in love with another guy, but he did nothing, so..."


----------



## bluesky

> She knew this friend around 5 years ago and they basically just hung around together occasionally after meeting through mutual friends.


*This basically means they had sex. *


> They decided they would meet up some time to catch up and exchanged mobile numbers.


*Because its easy to pick up where they left off.*



> They text each other quite a lot over the next few days before meeting up for a few hours while having food and a few drinks. After this they have decided they should start meeting up more often.


*Yes, they had sex again....and decided to continue it. I don't know this as a fact.....call it a hunch.*


----------



## 1999

Well thought id post an update. The wife hasn't met up with this male friend again yet but they appear to have been texting A LOT.

Now I know this is a horrible thing to do but I actually looked at my wifes messages to him today just to see how often they actually were texting. All the messages apart from today's had been deleted but as I guessed she had text him 30 times today alone and was even texting him while we were doing things together like going to the cinema.

Also of interest was how in the texts she had said he was in one of her dreams last night and he asked if she woke up all wet? They also joked about sharing a shower together to save water for the environment. Pretty far out of line things to be texting id say!

So although im pretty much 100% certain nothing physical has happened it seems to be close to an emotional affair already. Guess i must suck as a husband lol! What is my next move people?


----------



## typewittyusernamehere

1999 said:


> Also of interest was how in the texts she had said he was in one of her dreams last night and he asked if she woke up all wet? They also joked about sharing a shower together to save water for the environment.


IMO, this is super inappropriate for your wife to be saying to another man. I think she should be confronted....


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

F-102 said:


> She may just be "dropping hints". There is probably much, much more to this than she is admitting.


they also tell just enough so you THINK she is telling you everything therefore nothing to hide.
sounds like she has LOTS to hide.

i bet she is not telling you every time they are "having lunch" together either.

personally, i would just put her out at this point. something like this is going way to far in my book.


----------



## 1999

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i bet she is not telling you every time they are "having lunch" together either.


This is pretty unlikely as I work from home and she doesnt work. I also work nights so throughout the day we generally are always together. Although in the messages they did say they will have to meet up this week so I guess ill see whether she tells me about it...


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Atholk said:


> The other guy wants to have sex with her, no question about that.
> 
> Keylogger the computer and see what the messages are that they are exchanging.


keyloggers can be a very useful tool but a word to the wise: 
be ready for the shock of a life time when you read the things that your SO may say to the other person, things that you didnt even think were in their vocabulary or things you didnt even think they were capable of thinking or dont use one.


----------



## MrK

1999 said:


> she had text him 30 times today alone
> 
> he asked if she woke up all wet?
> 
> They also joked about sharing a shower together to save water for the environment.
> 
> So although im pretty much 100% certain nothing physical has happened it seems to be close to an emotional affair already.



Nearly 100% certain? 'Cause I'm down at around 5. And yes, it is close to an emotional affair. As a matter of fact it IS an emotional affair. She gives a lot more of her intimate time to another man than to you.


----------



## putwhittynamehere

Yeah, that's an EA.
Keylogger time.


----------



## Rob774

Keep us updated man. Your wife is playing a dangerous game, people get hurt with the actions they are causing both mentally and physically. Its a shame because it puts you into a position to only assume the worst.


----------



## Sanity

1999 said:


> Well thought id post an update. The wife hasn't met up with this male friend again yet but they appear to have been texting A LOT.
> 
> Now I know this is a horrible thing to do but I actually looked at my wifes messages to him today just to see how often they actually were texting. All the messages apart from today's had been deleted but as I guessed she had text him 30 times today alone and was even texting him while we were doing things together like going to the cinema.
> 
> Also of interest was how in the texts she had said he was in one of her dreams last night and he asked if she woke up all wet? They also joked about sharing a shower together to save water for the environment. Pretty far out of line things to be texting id say!
> 
> So although im pretty much 100% certain nothing physical has happened it seems to be close to an emotional affair already. Guess i must suck as a husband lol! What is my next move people?


Brother she is blantantly disrespecting you and more than likely has slept with him. Dump her.


----------



## Kobo

1999 said:


> Well thought id post an update. The wife hasn't met up with this male friend again yet but they appear to have been texting A LOT.
> 
> Now I know this is a horrible thing to do but I actually looked at my wifes messages to him today just to see how often they actually were texting. All the messages apart from today's had been deleted but as I guessed she had text him 30 times today alone and was even texting him while we were doing things together like going to the cinema.
> 
> Also of interest was how in the texts she had said he was in one of her dreams last night and he asked if she woke up all wet? They also joked about sharing a shower together to save water for the environment. Pretty far out of line things to be texting id say!
> 
> So although im pretty much 100% certain nothing physical has happened it seems to be close to an emotional affair already. Guess i must suck as a husband lol! What is my next move people?



Sucks but now you know your gut was right and you're not crazy. Now you know she is trying to play you for a fool. Time to decide how much disrespect you're going to take. From your wife and the a$$hole


----------



## turnera

Print out some of the texts, highlight the NUMBER of them and the inappropriate parts, sit her down, show her, tell her what an Emotional Affair is. Explain that if she says something to him or he says something to her THAT SHE WOULD NOT SHOW YOU, it is cheating. Tell her you can't stay married to someone who will invest 30 texts a day with another man instead of you, and ask her to stop. 

If she doesn't stop, go to her best friend, mother, or other important person, and tell that person that she's having an affair and ask them to talk to her. 

If that doesn't work and she continues to contact him, expose the affair to her important people - parents, siblings, best friends - and ask them to talk to her. 

Meanwhile, take a hard look at yourself and see where you may not be meeting her needs for conversation, etc., and start making changes. Give her a reason to choose you.

If, after exposure, she still refuses to stop, help her pack her bags, tell her parents you're helping her move back home, and do it.


----------



## SaffronPower

I think every couple needs an "opposite sex" friend policy that works for them.

My husband and I don't have opoosite sex friends. My best friend is my husband and I don't need another man as a friend. 

This works for us because even as singles we didn't "cultivate' opposite sex friendships. The opposite sex is for dating

Oh and was it Dinner and Drinks??..oops... I think you're wife just had a date.

Set some rules now, but you might be too late.


----------



## F-102

Of course, she will just vehemently deny it, say you are too paranoid and controlling, that it's all in your head, and the good ol' "but we're just friends", and manage to blame the whole sordid situation on you.

Pack all of her stuff in a u-haul, and when she comes home, toss her the keys and say "Been good to know 'ya!"


----------



## Conrad

1999 said:


> Well thought id post an update. The wife hasn't met up with this male friend again yet but they appear to have been texting A LOT.
> 
> Now I know this is a horrible thing to do but I actually looked at my wifes messages to him today just to see how often they actually were texting. All the messages apart from today's had been deleted but as I guessed she had text him 30 times today alone and was even texting him while we were doing things together like going to the cinema.
> 
> Also of interest was how in the texts she had said he was in one of her dreams last night and he asked if she woke up all wet? They also joked about sharing a shower together to save water for the environment. Pretty far out of line things to be texting id say!
> 
> So although im pretty much 100% certain nothing physical has happened it seems to be close to an emotional affair already. Guess i must suck as a husband lol! What is my next move people?


What else do you need to know?


----------



## Blue Moon

Bro... I was going to post something longer, but there's no need to overintellectualize this. I'll keep it simple. If he's not f*cking your wife already, he will be soon.


----------



## NightEagle1981

I know where your at man. I've had those feelings for over a month. Sit your wife down and talk to her. Tell her that you don't want her talking to other guys especially the texting aspect. Next thing you know there's more than meeting going on. Do some digging, watch her closely. Depending on her phone and how tight she is with it download flexispy it records all incoming, outgoing, texts, calls, GPS, and SMS messages. How I found out about a mutual friend who was disrespecting my wife. Nip this thing in the bud before it gets out of control. Don't let her turn it into a control issue. You might also try marriage counseling as well.


----------



## 1999

Ok, so two days ago I said I had seen the messages and they were totally out of order. I said the amout of messages was way over the top etc. She was really upset saying she had told him not to say the things he was saying and told me she really loved me and she was happy not to see him again because of what had happened.

So there I am all happy, ready to update here that everything looks ok and the sick feeling from my gut had finally gone! But FML, today she started crying and asking if there is any way she can still be friends with him and is annoyed that I am taking a friend away from her! 

Sigh...


----------



## SaffronPower

yep she's depressed she's gotta put the guy away...you've probably read enough threads to have run into the 180 plan

sorry man


----------



## COGypsy

I don't think she's upset because it's a "friend" she's losing.

I just have to tell you--I have always been a "guys" kind of girl. I am much more comfortable with my guy friends, hanging out, watching football and making off-color jokes with them than I am going to baby showers and that kind of stuff. I've never really found more than a few girls that I could really be friends with over my life. I do honestly have guy friends, some of whom have been my friends all my life pretty much who the idea of kissing, screwing or seeing anything more than a bathing suit would show has never been a part of our "thing". 

With my actual guy friends, I have NEVER made "jokes" like you were saying were in her texts. When jokes get bawdy, they're totally different from that. Like the other night, I was out with some friends and the bar ended up having some kind of karaoke contest. There were so many Joan Baez/Cindy Lauper/ Celine Dion chick ballads being sung that I mentioned being afraid that I was going to grow a third brea$t from all the estrogen in the air. Totally different tone when it is actually a friendship.

I'm sorry, I just don't for a moment believe that she can stay "friends" with this guy. And I generally have pretty liberal views on this subject, as you might imagine. But this really should be nipped in the bud or it's going to go downhill fast.


----------



## Conrad

1999 said:


> Ok, so two days ago I said I had seen the messages and they were totally out of order. I said the amout of messages was way over the top etc. She was really upset saying she had told him not to say the things he was saying and told me she really loved me and she was happy not to see him again because of what had happened.
> 
> So there I am all happy, ready to update here that everything looks ok and the sick feeling from my gut had finally gone! But FML, today she started crying and asking if there is any way she can still be friends with him and is annoyed that I am taking a friend away from her!
> 
> Sigh...


Read the MisterNiceGuy thread - all 60 pages.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21806-ea-already-moving-towards-pa.html


----------



## turnera

Only one thing to do at this point: "You choose to be married to me, or you choose to have him as your special friend. It won't be both."


----------



## F-102

Any way we can still be friends? Of course there is, honey, it's called a divorce!


----------



## Prodigal

1999 said:


> today she started crying and asking if there is any way she can still be friends with him and is annoyed that I am taking a friend away from her! Sigh


I think more than a mere "sigh" is warranted here. I have men friends. I had men friends when I was married and I had men friends when I was single. Our subject matter didn't venture into the realm of sharing showers or other such sexual innuendo.

She's ANNOYED???? He!! man, this woman is playing you for a whimp, and not only a whimp, but a stupid whimp.

Tell her to get over her annoyance at losing her so-called "friend," point out the inappropriate texts, and then stand firm. Make her decide. Don't make a single threat you don't intend to follow through on. The ball is in your court. Put up with her slap-and-tickle friendship or resolve this NOW. 

Frankly, I'd show her to the door and tell her not to let it hit her in the a$$ as she QUICKLY departs!


----------



## MrK

She's in love with him. You have a problem.


----------



## How78

You can't make her trustworthy by being jealous. You can't make her love you more by being jealous. If you remain suspicious and start spying on her but she is just genuinely having an innocent friendship, YOU will be damaging your marriage (BIG TIME). It is possible for women and men to honestly be dear friends. Do talk to her about boundaries you can both honor in dealings with the opposite sex, and feel her out in conversation on what sort of relationship this is. But if it sounds OK and you trust her in general, let her handle it without driving you both crazy.


----------

