# Explain an EA to me....



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

H had an EA last summer for a couple of months..he met this person while working overseas and a bond grew and they continued contact after he got home. He was gone for two months and this contact continued for about 6 weeks until I discovered it. What I don't understand is that nothing physical happened between them..he was on SSRIs and had zero drive. Yet how can an attraction develop? He said he got caught up in her flattery, etc. To me doesn't the physical aspect of a relationship need to be there in order for "I love you's" etc. to be in play...I don't mean that you have to be physical with someone in order to love them...but this always confuses me with my H's EA. 

It still burns me that he told her he loves her in the first email I saw but according to him it was "idle chitchat" and the fact that she was an oceans away made it easier to act flirtatious,e tc. toward her.

I am confused by the whole thing and still angry at times because this was someone I trusted implicitly...I know our marriage wasn't great and I know I played a huge role in that but it still hurts greatly.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

highwood said:


> H had an EA last summer for a couple of months..he met this person while working overseas and a bond grew and they continued contact after he got home. He was gone for two months and this contact continued for about 6 weeks until I discovered it. What I don't understand is that nothing physical happened between them..he was on SSRIs and had zero drive. Yet how can an attraction develop? He said he got caught up in her flattery, etc. To me doesn't the physical aspect of a relationship need to be there in order for "I love you's" etc. to be in play...I don't mean that you have to be physical with someone in order to love them...but this always confuses me with my H's EA.
> 
> It still burns me that he told her he loves her in the first email I saw but according to him it was "idle chitchat" and the fact that she was an oceans away made it easier to act flirtatious,e tc. toward her.
> 
> I am confused by the whole thing and still angry at times because this was someone I trusted implicitly...I know our marriage wasn't great and I know I played a huge role in that but it still hurts greatly.


EA's hurt just as much as PA's. Sometimes more. To hear your spouse giving someone else loving endearments to someone other than you hurts. If it a PA's sometimes all it is is physical and nothing more. No "i love you's" or "I can't stand to be without you" it's just...physical. 

Basically, cheating is doing something or saying something to someone else that you wouldn't say or do in front of your spouse. That's cheating. Peroid! Regardless of EA or PA.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What adds to my conflicted emotions is that..on one hand this was a huge wake up call for me and how I should have been treating H. So if this hadn't happened we would have just continued to exist in a relationship with no passion, affection, etc. So that had to change however due to the SSRIS that is not happening right now as well and it needs to in order to heal.

So on one hand this was almost something we needed to happen..but I get so frustrated and angry because of the effects of the SSRIs that I end up getting all moody and cranky which isn't good for healing the marriage...basically it is a vicious cycle right now. One minute I feel loving toward him and the next minute I want to tell him where to go.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

highwood said:


> To me doesn't the physical aspect of a relationship need to be there in order for "I love you's" etc. to be in play...I don't mean that you have to be physical with someone in order to love them...but this always confuses me with my H's EA.


 You answer your own question. He did not need to be close to her physically ( physically in same room/area) to become emotionally envolved with her.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

highwood said:


> So on one hand this was almost something we needed to happen


No, a EA definately didn't need to happen. YOU didn't need to get treated that way. However, you do recongize that you are responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage and he can own up to the other 50%. But, the EA is 100% on him! That was NOT your fault.

Why is he on SSRI's? Does he have a personality disorder or axiety attacks? You can talk to his Doctor about the meds. There are other alternatives he could try without so intense side effects. I strongly encourage you two to seek out marriage counseling. I think it would be benefical in your case.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Cross..he was on an antidepressant because he was feeling a little low about things about 3 years ago. He weaned off of it last December thus has not been on any SSRI for two months. Still feeling the effect of no desire though.

You are right the EA is on him..what annoyed me about it was when we went to MC she said in front of him that it wouldn'
t have happened if the marriage had been good and he agreed and I agreed with that however when I went to see her one time after that on my own she said regardless of what was happening in the marriage he had no right to do that..well why didn't you tell him that lady


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

highwood said:


> You are right the EA is on him..what annoyed me about it was when we went to MC she said in front of him that it wouldn'
> t have happened if the marriage had been good and he agreed and I agreed with that however when I went to see her one time after that on my own she said regardless of what was happening in the marriage he had no right to do that..well why didn't you tell him that lady


you are very right, she should have said that TO him also.

i believe those meds stay in your system for a while after you take them but he should still be at least showing you affection like he is interested even if he is unable to do anything yet, tell him he needs the practice for when he is able.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

You are right...I think though for a guy it is embarrasing and difficult for him that he can't "perform" and knowing him how I do he is hesitant because he feels I put pressure on him.

We have gone over and over this and it is frustrating for me as I said I crave the intimacy right now. I am hopeful that within a few months that all will return to normal ....I am only 43 I do not want a marriage in which there is no intimacy at all.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

highwood said:


> You are right...I think though for a guy it is embarrasing and difficult for him that he can't "perform" and knowing him how I do he is hesitant because he feels I put pressure on him.
> 
> We have gone over and over this and it is frustrating for me as I said I crave the intimacy right now. I am hopeful that within a few months that all will return to normal ....I am only 43 I do not want a marriage in which there is no intimacy at all.


 Well, you have to have a talk with him. A SERIOUS talk about....certain problems. Look, you can be passionately affectionate without having to have to....you know....go all the way. Like a sensual and sexy massage, or sharing a bath or hot tub. Heavy petting and heavy kissing. Nothing wrong with just making out. Could be fun and remind you of the first time you ever necked with someone. From what I understand, women love that stuff. Makes you feel wanted, desired and safe. Is sex important in a relationship? Absolutely. But all sex is, is an intimate and different way to communicate your love to someone. And that can be achieved without intercourse.

Whew....got through that without sounding like a perverted idiot.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

crossbar said:


> No, a EA definately didn't need to happen. YOU didn't need to get treated that way.


Really? What, then, would have magically gotten them out of the rut that they were in? Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

It's all well and good to wax lyrical about morality and respect and all that. But neither of them knew how to handle the situation that they were in; they didn't have the tools they needed to fix what was broken or even talk about it.

I'm not saying that the EA was right or wrong; it happened.

Obviously, they did *need* to be treated that way. If they didn't *need* to be treated that way then it never would have happened in the first place because they would have sorted things out before hand. They got the wake up call. Now they are awake and they can do something about it.

It's just a shame that they have to deal with all of the other hurt that comes along with it, which only lengthens the healing process.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

highwood said:


> What adds to my conflicted emotions is that..on one hand this was a huge wake up call for me and how I should have been treating H.


Glad to see you've taken some ownership. Has he done the same? Have you identified the gaps that he's giving you and is he working to make you love him more too?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

TCx said:


> Really? What, then, would have magically gotten them out of the rut that they were in? Woulda, coulda, shoulda.


Yeah....it's called communication. If you aren't happy about how things are in your relationship then you need to bring it up! If you feel your relationship is in a rut and has become stale and boring then you need to bring it up! You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out if you're happy or not. If something isn't right and you bottle it up, the **** like EA's and PA's happen. It woulda been prevented, they coulda worked together to figure out what's wrong and it shoulda been addressed it a calm and understand fashion affirming each others needs BEFORE an EA developed! And if that didn't work then perphaps a divorce is needed BEFORE investing emotionally in someone else.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't disagree, but obviously, the couple had neither the skills nor the comfort with each other that was necessary to do that; that's clear. They were both dancing around issues for fear of hurting the other.

If they'd had the skills to communicate more effectively then you're right, the affair would likely not have happened in the first place.

But they didn't. QED.

Your advice gives them both useful context for how they should approach things in the future and it gives them something to work toward and I'd suggest that putting it in those terms is going to be far more useful and therapeutic for both of them.

There is a remarkable difference between...

"What happened is terrible, yes, and you are hurting; that's completely understandable as your H as violated your trust. But obviously there was a breakdown in communication. But you both have the opportunity learn from your mistakes and to improve your communication that so that it doesn't happen again. By letting your H know how much you are hurt, if he truly empathizes with you, it will gut him and he will never do it again. If, through that communication you find that you aren't compatible with each other then it will hurt but take solace in the fact that you now know this and can deal with it appropriately. If, however, through communicating it brings you closer together then you are well on your way to happiness again."

and ...

"This never should have happened; you didn't deserve this! He should have communicated with you to fix the marriage or divorce you if it wasn't possible!"

The first one acknowledges the hurt and gives them something to work on in, IMHO, a supportive fashion to get past their hurt. The second one is judgmental and encourages them to feel slighted and focuses on how wrong the slight is (which makes the BS a martyr and encourages them to beat the WS over the head with it which only makes R harder) and that they should focus on the pain of it rather than the real message that you are trying to deliver... fix the communication issues.

You and I are actually saying similar things; we're just delivering it differently.

IMHO, dwelling on 'woulda coulda shoulda' is just that; dwelling, and to me it serves no purpose other than to just twist the knife, I suspect for both of them, and act as a barrier to reconciliation. It reinforces that hurt for the BS and makes it harder, I think, to move past it; especially when so many other BS on TAM are also broadcasting their hurt, anger and betrayal. Having never been a BS, I could be totally wrong.

But I do know that emotional people are pliable. If they come here and are showered with negativity about how they *should* feel, they are going to take that away and that is how they will feel. People in pain want to be listened to and supported and told that there is nothing wrong with them. And there isn't anything wrong with feeling hurt; it's completely natural. But negativity triggers negativity.

Perhaps I'm just naive and even a bit delusional; either way, it's just my HO.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

What happened, according to H, was that he wasn't looking for this to happen. This OW was very flattering, etc. and he got caught up in it. He also told her that he was separated and she believed that..(which I probably would have as well..why not) He realizes that he screwed up big time. Not saying that what he did was right however he did give me hints thru the years but I ignored them...so that is where my role comes in in all of this mess.

I guess if a man is not getting what he needs at home..appreciation, etc. then when all of a sudden he gets it then it is easy to get caught up in all of that.


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