# I want someone different.



## brighteyes90 (Jul 6, 2016)

That sounds so selfish, I know, but it's the truth. When I married my husband in 2012, I was 21, almost 22, and he had treated me better than any man ever had. He helped me get through the worst time of my life, when it was discovered that my biological dad had been molesting my 3 little sisters. I'm truly grateful for him for so many reasons. He has always taken on the "provider" role and taken care of finances. He has tried to be what he thinks a husband should be. Best (and most complicated) of all, he gave me our beautiful son, now 2 years old. 

I just got out of a severe depression, and finished an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) recommended by my therapist. It consisted of group therapy 9 hours a week and seeing a psychiatrist once a week. I received medication management (had been on the same antidepressants for nearly 10 years and I think they stopped being effective) and learned coping strategies, and what healthy thoughts look like. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I don't hate myself. 

Somewhere in the middle of the program I started realizing how discontent I was with my marriage. I had felt that way for a long time, but knowing that I was depressed, wondered if it could have just been the depression. But the better I felt mentally and emotionally, the more I did not like my marriage. 

The things I'm most unsatisfied with are character traits that I feel aren't possible for him to change. Things like him having no empathy for people or animals (I'm no PETA activist I just mean that if our dog or cat died he wouldn't have a single emotional response to it. It would simply be a fact to him). He is intelligent but he acts as if he's smarter and superior to everyone around him, which is really annoying. He tends to brush off or argue with any concerns I bring up. He is married to his work, constantly working late at his job and if that wasn't bad enough he picks up side jobs and goes into our home office to work on those after he gets home most nights. On nights he doesn't strictly work, he only wants to watch TV as that is his way of unwinding. I like TV too, but we're both really overweight and should not only try to be more active but I'm just bored with sitting next to him watching TV all the time. I don't necessarily have ideas on alternatives (since there's a sleeping toddler in the other room so we can't just go out) so that's partially my fault for not being able to communicate what I do want. 

One of the biggest issues is sex. It has never been very important to him, but lately it is nonexistent. We've had sex maybe twice this year. My love language is touch so it's a big deal for me. He grew up in a strict Christian household and is very old fashioned to say the least. He's never done oral on me and won't consider it. Doesn't want to have sex outside of the bedroom or off the bed. The past 10 times we've "tried" to have sex he's gotten too out of breath to finish. His penis is too small for any other position besides him being on top. We've tried, many times. TMI: doggy style used to be my favorite, oh how I miss it. I've considered getting a vibrator to "take care of myself" but 1) If he found it I know it would hurt him 2) I want a PERSON to fulfill my needs

I don't know if this is even relevant or not but I've been thinking about women lately. Wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with one and if I could ever be open about it (after this theoretical divorce, I mean). 

Reasons I should stay... My son. It will make his life harder, not having both parents all the time, and my husband could try and possibly get custody of our son and that would KILL me. Even if he didn't take him away, it would be hard to be separated from him on the days he'd be with his dad. I'm a SAHM so I've been with this little boy nearly 24/7 since his birth. I only have a high school education (some college but no degree), so it would be really hard to learn to be a single mom and financially provide for us, to find job(s) that would pay enough to pay for not just daycare but rent and expenses on top of that. I'd always dreamed of homeschooling because I like the idea of being my child's teacher and choosing the structure of the day/year. Divorce would mean letting that go. My husband and I had also talked about fostering--it is another dream of mine--and I'd have to let that go, at least for a long time while I learned how to take care of the 2 of us and financially make it.

And then there's the fact that I'm a Christian. And I made vows to my husband, and to God, to be with him til death. He hasn't cheated on me, or abused me. So there's that inner conflict about whether or not I even have the "right" to get a divorce. And he's a good man, he really is, and I know that this would hurt him. Possibly make him give up on love forever. He's already very angry (the one emotion he has plenty of) and I worry this would make him so much more so.

I just want passion, intimacy, connection, and sex. I don't that I've ever had or ever will have that with my husband.

I don't know if there's really a question in here, or if I'm just ranting, but if you have any (respectful) feedback, I'd appreciate it. This is all so confusing.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I'm never comfortable when someone inserts God and religion into it, not only b/c I am totally unqualified to respond, but also, faith often limits the ability to listen.. Most often, folks use religion like this yoke or ball and chain. Is that really what religion means to you? Being from a Christian household doesn't preclude the ability to enjoy sex. being from a dysfunctional household does. And, being Christian doesn't mean you have to endure unhappiness for a life time. Being inflexible does, though.

Anyways, the short answer to your dilemma is for you to separate your conflicts and perceptions of him and your marriage from your inflexible value system and your underling depression. One doesn't "Get over" depression, rather one manages it. 

I'd recommend you talk with your therapist...I'm assuming you're in individual therapy?....and sort this out there. No matter what you do, you still have to address these issues within yourself..and with him, as the father.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Have you considered the toll that the past few years might have had on him? I think you might be moving too quickly into thought processes that deserve more time.

As the husband of a depressed wife, I can see how some of his behaviors and actions might have been self preservation. It sounds like he is also depressed to be honest.

He was there for you when you needed him. He was strong and kept the family going when you needed him. Why would you want to bolt now?

I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you, but I do think you owe it to him to work on this and not just run away. The grass is not always greener, and only you can make yourself happy.


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## brighteyes90 (Jul 6, 2016)

Tasorundo said:


> Have you considered the toll that the past few years might have had on him? I think you might be moving too quickly into thought processes that deserve more time.
> 
> As the husband of a depressed wife, I can see how some of his behaviors and actions might have been self preservation. It sounds like he is also depressed to be honest.
> 
> ...


Yes, I do understand that he has been through a lot too. I'm not going to walk out the door tomorrow or probably not even 6 months from now, because I want to navigate this as carefully as possible for everyone but especially my son. I'm going to talk to my individual therapist about it, and I plan on us getting couples counseling, I just don't have a lot of hope that these are things that he has the ability to change. 

Yes, he was there for me during that trying time, and I've been there to support him too. There's no doubt that he is a very hard working, caring man, who I will always love and respect. I have thought for years that he has been depressed, and he refuses to get treatment claiming that in the past he has been put on every anti depressant that exists and none have worked. He says that he doesn't need individual therapy and if pressed would use finances as his excuse and say that we can't afford to both go to therapy. There are a lot of things we could sacrifice to come up with room in the budget so there's not much else I can do to convince him to go. He always says things are "fine" but there's a lot under the surface that he flat out refuses to talk about. It creates tension and I try to encourage a discussion and it just goes in circles. 

I know that only I can make myself happy. And I actually am really happy right now, with everything except for my marriage. It's not that I expect him to make me happy, but I feel miserable being 26 years old in a sexless, passionless marriage.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I am curious, has your eye settled on any person in particular? Do you have a (crush) on anyone? 

I found when i was crushing on a person a while back i had more (Wayward) thoughts about finding someone more RIGHT for me. But i realized there is probably no perfect person for you. You could pair up with anyone and still have to learn to navigate the good and the bad of the other person. Soul mates DON'T make a GOOD marriage. Communication Intimacy and teamwork DOES. 

If you Have a crush on anyone realize that noticing another specific person can cause these thoughts. 

Or there might be no one at all and my comment is pointless. Just asking to figure this situation out better.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

threelittlestars said:


> I am curious, has your eye settled on any person in particular? Do you have a (crush) on anyone?
> 
> I found when i was crushing on a person a while back i had more (Wayward) thoughts about finding someone more RIGHT for me. But i realized there is probably no perfect person for you. You could pair up with anyone and still have to learn to navigate the good and the bad of the other person. Soul mates DON'T make a GOOD marriage. Communication Intimacy and teamwork DOES.
> 
> ...


3 Stars
This makes a lot of sense. Too often a spouse feels another person will make them happy and will be able to fulfill their every need, want and desire. Think twice, act once.


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## sarahcolem111 (Jul 12, 2016)

My life was destroyed when my husband sent me packing, after 13 years we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to my husband back to me. One day at work, I was distracted, not knowing that my boss called me, so he sat and asked me what it was all about, I told him and he smiled and said it was no problem. I never understood what he meant by it was no problem getting back my husband, he said he used a spell to get back his wife when she left him for another man, and now they are together till date and initially I was shocked hearing something from my boss. He gave me an email address of the Prophet abuvia which helped him get his wife back, I never believed that this would work, but I had no choice coming into contact with the sayings that I get done, and he asked for my information and that my husband was able to propose to throw him the spell and I sent him the details, but after two days, my mother called me that my husband was pleading that he wants me back, I never believed, because it was just a dream and I had to rush off to my mother's place and to my greatest surprise, was kneeling my husband beg me for forgiveness that he wants me and the child back home, when I gave prophet abuvia a conversation regarding sudden change of my husband and he made clear to me that my husband will love me until the end of the world, that he will never leave for another woman. Now me and my husband is back together and started doing funny things he has not done before, he makes me happy and do what it is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind need, please contact Abuvia Prophet for help. His email is [email protected] his website is prophetabuviasolutiontemple.webs.com


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## AspieWife123 (Aug 5, 2016)

Are you familiar with Aspergers Syndrome? Sounds a lot like my Husband. 

Is your man wired differently? Signs that he may have Asperger's syndrome | Daily Mail Online

Intimacy and Romance in NT-AS relations | Asperger Partner

AANE - Marriage with Asperger’s Syndrome: 14 Practical Strategies


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