# text message help...



## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

M=husband
J=me

I just need advice/support/assistance deciphering this...thanks!

M:
I meant sorry for wasting the last 15 years of your life.
You had a miserable marriage to me.
JMy response isn't still on text...but I said something to the affect just because of where we are doesn't mean that the whole 15 years were miserable)
M: Now I'm confused, whenever we talk about our past it's everything I have done wrong...I don't understand
(my response not there)
M: But why are we fixed on all the negative things? I honestly never knew there was something you liked about me and our marriage.
It feels like everything is negative. Never positive. I mean, go to a restaurant 20 times and have one bad meal, and you only talk about the bad meal.
J: I responded that the kids were the highlight of our marriage...
M: I agree about the kids I understand about the resentment you need to work on but all that sounds good but it seems like you are moving farther and farther away from me. We dont date talk anything.
J: Where do you see us going? We can't stay together right now, and you aren't willing to go to counseling. I told you that night on our date that is what I needed...you said it felt like an ultimatum, you weren't going to go, I'm at a loss.
M: But why go if I feel you aren't giving me a reason to go. This is supposed to be a two way street.
I get more and more resentment because you act indifferent.
J: I can't make you go, but I need to protect my emotions. So really, the ball is in your court.
M:But why go if its not going to work. Everything I did last time wasn't good enough.
J: Say's who? we didn't go enough and you only went to yours for 8 sessions.
M: Wo are you to say 8 sessions isn't enough. I feel everything we talked about you have disregarded or ignored and I don't know why. You want me to work on your resentment but your unwilling to work on what I need. Why do I have to feel resentment.
J: No, I want you to work on you. On your temper, your control issues, on your anxiety so that I can work on my resentment toward you. I'm working on my self esteem and learning how to set boundaries so that I don't build resentment.
M: I am working on me, you won't recognize my need to do this myself. I understand that you need support in individual therapy, but until you show me some respect and attention I am getting more an dmore resentful. Resent for me leads to dislike and I don't like disliking you.
J: I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was being disrespectful?
M: How are you going to work on how you treat me?
J: What do you need?
M: You to work in therapy on your own. Politeness and respect.
J: but what does that mean? What do you mean respect?
M: I consider the indifference disrespectful.
J: so, what shall I do to be less indifferent without sacrificing my feelings?
M: Your indifference makes me feel bad about myself. Your indifference attitude makesme feel all these great steps I have made are worthless. What do I do if your indifference makes me dislike you?

then I stopped responding. He showed up here...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Sounds like his love language is words of affirmation, and like my husband, he sees any direction, guidance, suggestion as a slap in the face. Be careful of the damage that's being caused. It might not be repairable. I am married to a truly good man, but all my nagging and talking about how he can fill my needs and do this better, etc. has pushed him away and he's lost himself. He tries to take all of the responsibility because that's how the conversations go and he's willing to put it all on his shoulders. Now I'm realizing a little too late, that maybe I needed to back off a long time ago. You both need to go to counseling. You need to apologize and ask him for guidance. There are a lot of miscommunications going on. I wish you luck.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

What am I apologizing for, exactly? Finally standing up for myself?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

jmfabulous said:


> What am I apologizing for, exactly? Finally standing up for myself?


pretty much yes.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

jmfabulous said:


> What am I apologizing for, exactly? Finally standing up for myself?


I'm not trying to say you are the wrong spouse and he's innocent. But try to look at this from a different perspective. I don't know the specifics of your situation, only the vibe I get from what he wrote to you in this specific conversation. And I'm telling you he feels disrespected in the utmost. Men would rather be alone than disrespected, while a lot of women would rather deal with disrespect than be alone. What you might see as sticking up for yourself, is tearing him down. Maybe he's doing what he thinks is right and feels like you point out everything as wrong. What exactly are you standing up for? What is he doing to you that you need to stop? Because he's trying to tell you what you are doing that he needs you to stop.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

I'm standing up for being a doormat to this man for over 17 years. I'm standing up for the years of emotional and verbal abuse that I have endured, and unfortunately, have brought my kids into. I'm standing up for the fact that we aren't going to take it anymore. I'm standing up for the fact that he cheated on me. I'm standing up for the fact that behind my back he opened up his own checking acct. and took his money out of our bank acct's for me to pay bills. 

So, I have a hard time being anything more than "indifferent" to him.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

I don't mean to come across cross...sorry for that. I should have mentioned that at the beginning...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

jmfabulous said:


> I'm standing up for being a doormat to this man for over 17 years. I'm standing up for the years of emotional and verbal abuse that I have endured, and unfortunately, have brought my kids into. I'm standing up for the fact that we aren't going to take it anymore. I'm standing up for the fact that he cheated on me. I'm standing up for the fact that behind my back he opened up his own checking acct. and took his money out of our bank acct's for me to pay bills.
> 
> So, I have a hard time being anything more than "indifferent" to him.


Okay, in that case, he deserves it. He needs to figure out how to gain your respect. Do you want to be with him? Because it doesn't sound like he's willing to change or realize his faults. Has he really made any changes or sacrifices? Is there anything small you can commend him on? He seems like he's looking for some sort of positive reinforcement but he feels worthless. Have you dealt with the actual issues and how he makes you feel besides indifferent? When there's infidelity AND abuse, it makes things a little more difficult because he's disrespected you from the get go.


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