# Should I confront the OW involved in the EA with my husband?



## citygrl (Dec 8, 2009)

Should I confront the OW that my husband was spending time with and having and EA. She is someone that I know and considered a friend. 

My husband says nothing physical happened so should I try and talk to her and see what she has to say, can I talk to her to see if their stories match?

Part of me does not want to do this in case I come out looking like a psycho jealous wife and get embarassed about the situation like I am making a big deal about nothing! This is so confusing, then the other part of me says why should I feel like this is nothing because she is the one inviting my husband out for drinks and over to her apartment. Plus she was talking on the phone to my husband anywhere from 4-10 times a day, sometimes 5 or 6 days a week. I discovered this when checking the phone bills, most of the time he was phoning her but sometimes she phoned him the duration of the calls was not more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time so I don't know what they could be possibly talking about for that short of a time. 

Anyway let me know what you would recommend or what you think. Thanks.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Being that my husband had a PA and an EA with his OW, I would not advise talking to her about it. I look at my husbands affair in this light: the only one that owes me anything is him. She isn't married to me, she didn't vow to love and cherish me. HE did. He needed to learn boundaries and how to love ME. Granted, she is giving him opportunity, but when it comes down to it, he is a grown man, he can say no. He can not answer her calls or texts, and he can tell her to piss off.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I think that's up to you and for you to decide what you can handle, etc. Do you just want answers? Are you seeing if 
the stories do match, etc? My H had a PA/EA and the OW was a good friend. (as was her H) I am not going into all the sorted details but for me I have had only one conversation with her which was a couple weeks after the A was discovered by her H and then my H confessed. She text me to see if she could call and talk with me. She did all the talking, I just listened and couldn't speak. 

Jump ahead a month or so and I am considering talking with her again. This time for me. I need to say a few things. I am thinking of writing a letter/email first but also considering meeting with her. WHY? Because, FOR ME, I want to move on, move past and get on with life. This will always be in my past and unfortunately, in my mind. I forgave my H but know that I will never be able to forget. A mutual friend of myself and the OW had asked if I would/could meet with her etc. I got kind of angry and said some not so nice things to her as to why I didn't think I wanted to or could. She understood but then said something that hit a cord with me. They (H & OW) BOTH are at fault for what they did. "You (me) forgave one of them, why can't you forgive the other?"

So, I think it's a personal thing. I guess it depends on the reasons, on your strength, etc. My therapist told me to write a letter to the OW. She said I needed to do so to get the anger/emotions out. (we are keeping the A a secret) She said, it would be up to me if I ever felt the need/desire to actually send it to her or if just writing it would be enough.


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## jen213 (Aug 20, 2010)

Do it!!!!! I did and it made more sense to what he told me...men will lie thru there teeth if they know it will hurt you.I confronted the woman that had an affair with my husband...The stuff I learned from her??? The things my husband kept from me "he said he didnt want to hurt me".. Are you freakin kidding me he has already hurt you.What you need is the truth even if its ugly.You deserve that even if it hurts the worst that can happen is what???? He has already devestated you?? The worst is that you will never know the truth which is worst.you desreve the truth even if it is hearing from the other woman. I would just be ready about what you may hear.Either way you desreve the truth..


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

I wouldn't rely on getting the truth from a woman who had her sights set on your H.

She could say anything, if she's feeling spurned and vindictive, she could easily fabricate things just to make waves.She could take this as an opportunity to try to break you and your H up.
(then she moves in to "rescue" him....................)

Don't hand her ammunition on a silver platter.

Remember the role she was trying to play---she was mate poaching, she's not without blame. Yes, men will lie, but so will a woman who's after another woman's man.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

For me, I have this instinct that I want to confront the other woman. But, the truth of it is that I don't want to confront her. I already talked to the OW husband. Yes she was married too and talking to her husband was enough for me. I did not have to talk to her. I did, by the way, have full permission from her husband to confront her but I really didn't want to.

My mother in law and sister in law both confronted her for me. I did not have to do it. They did it on my behalf. For me that was enough.

I do worry about one thing in my situation, bumping into this woman. My husband works 1 mile from our house. I telecommute. She works 2 miles from my husbands office. She does not live near us, she lives 20 miles away. But, I could easily bump into her when I go out for lunch or during the day. I do not want to bump into her accidentally while I am out. I would likely ignore her, but if she confronted me, I wouldn't back down I would say what was on my mind and how I felt about her.

My situation is much different. She was a friend of my husbands family but someone I had only met once. Since you know her and if you feel it will help YOU get past it, then you should talk to her. I don't know that confront is the right word in your situation since she use to be a friend. But, there is nothing wrong with talking to her and telling her what you are thinking. I also would not expect to get information out of her. Each of them is going to lie about the situation and not tell the whole truth. Talk to her only for yourself, not to get info out of her.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

I confronted the woman my WH had a 10 year EA (probably a PA) affair with.

She was a fellow coworker and I considered her a decent coworker/friend. We spoke to each other all the time. I've even took her side on issues at work. We got along pretty good.

I found out 2 years ago from cell phone detailed billing. They talked on the phone 5-7 times a day with him doing most of the calling, 7 days a week. I can prove 2 years worth from the phone bills. He gave me all kinds of excuses about what they talked about. I felt that to call another woman that many times, she was on his mind a lot and this is more than a platonic friendship. This was a woman that he had feelings for.

Think about it, you have a guy friend who calls you occasionally. You talk about whats in the news, mutual friends, the sports you might be involved in, your families. Then the call is over. Then he calls an hour later to talk so more. Do you really have more conversation for this guy? Then a couple of hours later he calls again. Then late in the evening he calls again to just talk. If you do not like him romantically, wouldnt that get on your nerves? Just imagine he repeated that EVERYDAY, 7 days a week and he's just a good friend of yours. Makes no sense does it.

It was important that I confront the OW because we were friends at work and spoke to each other everyday. I had no idea that she talked to my husband everyday for 10 years. When I found out he's been at her house, I figured within these 10 years, they have had a PA too. She's divorced, lives alone. Perfect situation for him. That explained why I saw midnight phone calls to her (he told me he was out playing chess). Some only last 1-2 minutes. That looks like he was making a "booty call".

Also, there were tons and tons of 2 minute calls that my WH made to her. He would call her cell phone, home phone, work phone. Those calls were 2 minutes each. When I questioned him about it, he said she never answered those calls. Then an hour later he would call those 3 numbers again, and again and again. Then eventually I would see a 5 minute call, or she called him back. I told him she was playing him and probably sitting there watching the phone as its ringing and not answering it. His dumb ass just kept calling and calling because now the mystery of her is overwhelming he just has to talk to her.

My confrontation with her didnt stop their relationship but I felt good. I wanted her to know that I knew what she was doing, I'm dealing with my husband about it and that the two of us are no longer friends in any kind of way. I told her that she disrespected me by insinuating herself in my marriage and grinning in my face at the same time and that was not cool, not what a "friend" should do, and that if she was in my place she wouldnt like it either. The end result, I felt better, and felt good that I shattered the privacy of there "secret relationship" so its no longer a secret. When she continued talking to my WH after that confrontation, I outed her to all the female coworkers so now no one wants to be around her (they are all married). She's all alone at work now. I warned her to stop talking to my husband and she ignored me so I took it that last step and told people.

The fact that my husband of 23 years had contact with another woman - and a woman that we both know for 10 years is so totally humiliating, devastating and heartbreaking that I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I have yet to forgive my WH and I doubt if I'll ever forget it. He's making amends but the damage has been done and I can't see us successfully getting over this. I think he is emotionally tied to this woman, even though he swears they never had sex and he doesnt want to us to divorce so he could be with her. He says he doesnt like her like that. But men lie all the time so I think he's just telling me that to make light of his relationship with her.

Citygrl, you dont say how long this has been going on. For your sake I hope it hasnt been no longer than a month because the longer they are in contact like that, they get into each other emotionally and by the time D-Day comes, the thought of not talking to that person ever again is not a situation either will easily do. Then you will really have a problem like I have.

I would get in her face, cuss her out and walk away.


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## samanthajane (Jul 26, 2012)

I am going through a similar situation and wanted to know if I should confront the OW too. Your replies have been most helpful. Thanks


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## TexasGurl (Jul 25, 2012)

citygrl said:


> Should I confront the OW that my husband was spending time with and having and EA. She is someone that I know and considered a friend.
> 
> My husband says nothing physical happened so should I try and talk to her and see what she has to say, can I talk to her to see if their stories match?
> 
> ...


She is definitely not a friend if she has an EA with your H. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. Confront her, whether or not you think you'll look like a fool. You aren't doing anything wrong. Stand up for yourself and make your feelings known.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

OW will always lie. Expose her cheating ways to others and also your WH's instead. That pops the fantasy bubble and gives you a chance to see if reality can fix the bubble's wreckage. Confront if you want, but if your H is still seeing her, they'll just be mocking you and laughing at you behind your back. Ditch her as a friend for sure. Good Luck.

Btw, it isn't uncommon for OW to pretend friendship with the Betrayed Wife just to try and throw anyone off the scent. Never trust a word the OW says if she's still involved with your H.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I could see myself approaching (note: not confronting) the OW.

She may tell you something interesting. she may not. If she has any kind of moral compass, it might make her feel bad because you are showing that you care about your marriage.

OTOH, she may lie to you so I would be ready with some real evidence. Maybe you don't have to show it to her, but giving enough detail would let her know that you know enough.

I may become mischievous myself. Making suggestions that she's not the only one. And then to my husband, that he's not the only one. this is the problem with verbal communication between two people. You can't really verify what was said.

It may also be worth having a chat with her because as I have learned from experience the first thing do gooders will ask you, did you let her know you are not happy with her involvement with your husband? (back to the false hopes of open honest dialogue) You will at least be able to say yes, and then for those who constantly must feel as if they "helping" you, you can let them know then and there that their "bright idea" is a crock of ****.

In any case, if you send her anything in writing, always write with the assumption that she may show this not only to your husband but to just about anyone else she knows.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Speak to her with an air of caution, understanding that all she says is not so. Rely only on the things that can be verified. SHE too is a liar, just like your H. I spoke to OW, she told me things he didnt. I verified the things she said. Most were true. A couple were not, at least they werent verifiable to me so I just have kind of logged those comments in my head and moved on with the thought that they are 'likely' true but not 'positively' true. For the most part though, she was pretty straight forward. She was more worried about getting herself out of the spotlight so she concentrated on the things HE had done which honestly was what I was really interested in. What SHE did doesnt make a hill of beans difference. She is nothing.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

citygrl said:


> Should I confront the OW that my husband was spending time with and having and EA. She is someone that I know and considered a friend.
> 
> My husband says nothing physical happened so should I try and talk to her and see what she has to say, can I talk to her to see if their stories match?
> 
> ...


Normally I would recommend against contacting OW. 

In my mind, they are bird poop on my shoulder and they should be brushed off and forgotten in a similar manner.

However, since she was a friend, IMO, a pow wow is needed for closure for you. 

I am sorry that you have had a double betrayal from both a spouse and a friend.

I wouldn't believe anything she says, though. Just listen and say your piece but don't trust her.

Any friend who invites a married man out for drinks alone is up to no good, you know that, I know that, your spouse knows that and the universe knows that.

When they talk for two to three minutes they are likely planning meetings.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

jen213 said:


> Do it!!!!! I did and it made more sense to what he told me...men will lie thru there teeth if they know it will hurt you.I confronted the woman that had an affair with my husband...The stuff I learned from her??? The things my husband kept from me "he said he didnt want to hurt me".. Are you freakin kidding me he has already hurt you.What you need is the truth even if its ugly.You deserve that even if it hurts the worst that can happen is what???? He has already devestated you?? The worst is that you will never know the truth which is worst.you desreve the truth even if it is hearing from the other woman. I would just be ready about what you may hear.Either way you desreve the truth..


EXACTLY what happened to me. I got the WHOLE truth from her and not just the trickle truth from my WH. Their stories basically matched except for she gave more details that he conveniently left out.

If you contact her stay calm and just have a conversation with her. If she's a grown up and feels guilty too she may come clean. Don't get nasty with her or make her feel she's more important than she is. I basically interviewed the OW in a very detached nonemotional way and she responded well to that. IMHO it would have pissed me off more if she had hung up on me or something (which she would've probably done had I been nasty)


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> but sometimes she phoned him the duration of the calls was not more than 2 or 3 minutes at a time so I don't know what they could be possibly talking about for that short of a time.


They will point out they were to some consult him about something. Short calls are likely to "arrange" something, whether it was a long call at a better moment or a tryst remains unknown.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Acabado said:


> They will point out they were to some consult him about something. Short calls are likely to "arrange" something, whether it was a long call at a better moment or a tryst remains unknown.



that's like I text a busy friend to let her know for the next few hours I'm reachable by phone and can do a lengthy phone call with her that she and I normally enjoy doing with each other.

It would be awful to run out and do a discretionary errand when she decides to call.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

IT depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for closure then no don't contact the OW. It is likely they still might be talking and getting thier stories straight. 
If you want to get even don't even worry about contacting the OW. Your WS is the one you should be mad at. The WS has the responsibility to stay loyal not the OW. IF the OW has a spouse or bf contact them not the OW. 
If you want to contact the OW just to try and figure out what's going on. Well they will likely lie or attempt to make you leave your spouse. After all they either want your spouse or are just having fun.

If you want to contact the OW to scream at her and call her what she is and hanging up the phone. yea do that.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

OP hasn't been back in over 2 1/2 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> OP hasn't been back in over 2 1/2 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Darn! I gotta get better at looking at that.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

*Zombie Thread Alert!!!!
*
The OP last posted to this forum in 2009.


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