# 3 variables to your wife’s low libido.



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Your wife’s libido is a measure of her desire to have sex at any given time.

This level of desire is not fixed. It is not static. Your wife's level of sexual desire can change from one day to the next, or even one moment to the next. More importantly, it can change depending on who she is considering as a sexual partner.

The female libido is NOT driven entirely by hormones. Hormones do play a role, however, there is much more to it. A large part of what causes a woman to feel sexual is the emotional response that she feels to a particular man. If she is in the presence of a masculine man who makes her feel excited and attracted, then she will respond by becoming sexually aroused.

If a man does not cause her to feel excited and attracted, then she is far less likely to get aroused, regardless of what her hormone levels are.

When you understand that libido is a combination of both physical and emotional criteria, a lot of your wife’s confusing female behavior may suddenly become understandable:

1) How can a woman can have a very high libido early in a relationship, and then lose it over time?

2) How can a woman have low sexual desire within her marriage, and then become involved in an affair that involves frequent sex?

The obvious answer to both questions is that the level of sexual attraction is different. In scenario number one the woman has lost her sexual attraction toward her husband over time. 

In scenario two the woman has a much stronger sexual attraction for her lover than she has for her husband. In fact, most affairs occur because a woman has first lost sexual attraction for her husband, and then been seduced by another man who excites her in a way that her husband does not.

What can a husband do to prevent this? What can he do to restore or maintain his wife's sexual attraction so that she has no need to go outside of the marriage?

The first step is to stop feeling like a victim and recognize the role that you may have played in killing your wife's sexual desire. 

I have spoken to many men over the past few years who were confused about their wife's declining libido. She used to be very sexual and now she is not. Did having kids kill her libido? Is the pill to blame? Was I duped? Maybe her libido was low all along and she was just faking sexual attraction long enough to snare me in a marriage. (Possible, but unlikely)

While any of the above could be contributing to sexual issues in your marriage, they do not address the other half of the sexual equation. It takes two to tango, and it takes two to create sexual attraction. 

Many men in sexless marriages like to think that they are innocent victims of a cruel cosmic joke. They feel that they made a mistake by marrying a woman with a low libido and now they are doomed to enjoy only a trickle of sex for the rest of their married lives.

For a good share of these men, this is not true. They are not victims. Life is not playing a cruel trick on them. Their wives are perfectly capable of being sexually aroused … if the conditions are right.

If these men want to have a happy sexual marriage, they need to stop complaining and start working to create sexual desire in their wives.

There are three basic variables that influence whether or not a woman will feel sexual desire. They are sexual attraction, sexual tension and opportunity.

Sexual attraction is the gut level emotional response that your wife feels toward you as a man. If you are a strong, confident, masculine man who has a plan for his life and is working toward his goals with purpose and decisiveness then odds are that you will get a strong score in sexual attraction. Nature designed your wife to respond powerfully to such a man.

Sexual tension describes the level of seduction that is occurring in your marriage. If you are romantic, assertive, actively seducing, and are actively planning fun activities for you and your wife, then you will probably get a good score in this area.

Opportunity is somewhat self-explanatory. Your wife needs to feel that she has time and energy available for sex in order to get aroused.

Most marriage counselors will address the issues of sexual tension and opportunity. They will advise clients to do fun things together, and make time for sex. That only covers 2/3 of the problem. The last variable, sexual attraction is one that the man must take care of on his own. No one can tell your wife to be more sexually attracted to you. It will only happen if you become more sexually attractive.

Again, your wife's libido is not static. It changes in response to the men who pass through her life. If your wife's level of sexual attraction for you is low at the present time then you have some work to do. 

You need to address the levels of sexual attraction, sexual tension and opportunity for sex that are present in your relationship.

If you become a confident, masculine man who is willing to work to build sexual tension in his marriage, you actively seduce your wife throughout the week (not just 5 minutes before bedtime), and you take care of your share of the household/ children duties, giving her time for herself, and for you, then your wife just may respond by becoming more sexual with you?

Of course, that’s just my thought, but it sure made a difference in my marriage?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

You left out past sexual abuse, which is a whole new can of worms.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> You left out past sexual abuse, which is a whole new can of worms.


A subject I am very familliar with, if you want to discuss that one, better PM me, could quickly get out of hand on a public forum


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

I don't agree with your variables. After the honeymoon period is over, I think it's all about the emotional connection that you foster with your spouse. Yes, having goals and being a good man and planning fun dates can help, but it goes sooo much deeper than that!! Many successful men who take their wives on fun dates and provide lots of opportunity for sex have lost touch with what makes their wives tick. They are emotionally dead! I'm talking about the f word. (feelings!!) What are her dreams? What makes her happy? Sad? What fantasies does she have? Where does she see you both in 5 years? How often do you tell her how much she means to you, in detail? When husbands and wives stop talking about feelings and just talk about the kids, work, news, and weather the woman begins to shut down emotionally. Then suddenly after being in an emotional desert for God knows how long, 5, 10, 20 years? when someone takes the time to fill that emotional void and talk openly with her about what she is feeling: her wants, her needs, her desires and dreams, of course he is going to be attractive to her. It's all about the emotional connection. THAT leads to sexual attraction.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

monkeyface said:


> I don't agree with your variables. After the honeymoon period is over, I think it's all about the emotional connection that you foster with your spouse. Yes, having goals and being a good man and planning fun dates can help, but it goes sooo much deeper than that!! Many successful men who take their wives on fun dates and provide lots of opportunity for sex have lost touch with what makes their wives tick. They are emotionally dead! I'm talking about the f word. (feelings!!) What are her dreams? What makes her happy? Sad? What fantasies does she have? Where does she see you both in 5 years? How often do you tell her how much she means to you, in detail? When husbands and wives stop talking about feelings and just talk about the kids, work, news, and weather the woman begins to shut down emotionally. Then suddenly after being in an emotional desert for God knows how long, 5, 10, 20 years? when someone takes the time to fill that emotional void and talk openly with her about what she is feeling: her wants, her needs, her desires and dreams, of course he is going to be attractive to her. It's all about the emotional connection. THAT leads to sexual attraction.


I aggree, I said that here.



> A large part of what causes a woman to feel sexual is the emotional response that she feels to a particular man.


I did not get too deep into it with this post. However, I have many other posts that express the importance of this.

Thanks for your comments.


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I aggree, I said that here.
> 
> I did not get too deep into it with this post. However, I have many other posts that express the importance of this.
> 
> Thanks for your comments.


Yes you did, briefly. I guess I was hoping it would be at least ONE of the variables (if there had to be 3) although like I said, I think the emotional connection is the biggest factor in sexual attraction. Glad you go more in depth with it in other posts! :smthumbup:


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## monkeyface (Dec 2, 2011)

Off topic: I really like your profile pic, btw! Did you take it? Light painting?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

RDJ,

From a purely hypothalamic perspective, I agree with everything you wrote. 

However the overall message strikes me as extremely uncomplimentary to women. Maybe I've 'Gone off the reservation' entirely here and have completely misunderstood you. If that is the case, let me apologize in advance.

This is some of what you wrote: 



RDJ said:


> If she is in the presence of a masculine man who makes her feel excited and attracted, then she will respond by becoming sexually aroused.


Did you really mean to say "sexually aroused?" Really? A married woman becomes *sexually aroused *in the mere presence of a "masculine man?"

I'm curious how the women on TAM would feel if their husband actually became sexually aroused (As opposed to simply interested or attentive) in the presence of a "feminine woman." 





RDJ said:


> In fact, most affairs occur because a woman has first lost sexual attraction for her husband, and then been seduced by another man who excites her in a way that her husband does not.


Did you mean to say, "most affairs" without any grammatical qualifier at all? As it is written, it makes women the party at fault for most affairs. 

Did you perhaps mean, "most affairs where the wife has strayed" or something to that effect?

I would argue that men are far less monogamous by nature than are woman; that we are carrying far more destructive baggage in our primitive minds and that we are the ones at fault far more often than are women when it comes to extramarital affairs.

You could juxtapose the words "woman" with "man" and "husband" with "wife" in your quote above and it would be equally true; perhaps even more so. 

None of that is any excuse at all. Human beings, regardless of whether we are male or female learn to bridle the primitive mind and refuse to act on every selfish emotion and primal urge that pops into our heads. It's what makes us human and sets us above the animals.




RDJ said:


> What can he do to restore or maintain his wife's sexual attraction so that she has no need to go outside of the marriage?


Again, I wonder if you really meant this the way it is written. Did you really mean to say "need" rather than "desire" or a synonym thereof?

My wife is at a point in her life where her libido is very, very high. It's the exception, rather than the rule in perimeno, but there it is. She's also at a point in her life where she's sixty pounds heavier and thirty-six years older than she was the day I met her.

What kind of a man would I be if I said, "Sorry honey. I'm capable of being sexually aroused, but you've killed my sexual desire. You need to make some changes and be a better woman for me. You need to lose a butt-load of that weight and wear your hair longer, like you did when we first met. You need to restore you sexual attraction so I have no need to go outside the marriage."

I'd be a selfish, simpering fool. I'd be the slave, rather than the master of my emotions and primal urges. On the moral scale, I'd be barely one step (If that) above my dog, who thinks of and with little else besides his genitals.

If something brings my wife physical pleasure, she gets it as much as she wants, for as long as she wants, (Within the limits of flesh and blood) and any time she wants. And I don't even so much as give the time of day to the younger woman across the street who's made it plain that I'm welcome at her house the next time my wife is on a business trip.

It's part of the duty _and the pleasure_ of being married and one small way of reassuring my wife that I still find her attractive and would marry her again in a heartbeat. 

Like you, I've been married a long, long time and do understand that a woman's libido is relatively complex. But I refuse to believe that this complexity exists at the expense of moral fiber.

Again, if I've misunderstood you, I apologize. Perhaps the words didn't come out exactly as they were intended.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Your wife’s libido is a measure of her desire to have sex at any given time.
> 
> Of course, that’s just my thought, but it sure made a difference in my marriage?


You missed four other vital variables:

Resentment

Inhibition

Entitlement

Body Image

You can be as confident and seductive as you like, and provide plenty of chances, but in the face of the above 4 you are, basically, p*ssing in the wind.

Disclaimer: before anyone decides to churn out "yes but what about men doing all these things", yes, men are EMINENTLY capable of being resentful, inhibited, entitled and worried about beer guts and baldness, but in this case we are discussing WIVES.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> RDJ,
> 
> From a purely hypothalamic perspective, I agree with everything you wrote.
> 
> ...


Clearly this one slipped through my “sensitivity checker” (I’m calling Microsoft )

My apologies if I have offended anyone, certainly not my intent.

Ocotillo,

Your corrections were spot on, thank you for pointing them out. (A lesson for me.)

I must add that I very much appreciate the kind and respectful manner in which you have pointed out my shortcomings, very admirable Sir!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> You missed four other vital variables:
> 
> Resentment
> 
> ...



Sawney,

Yes! I could have added these and more. Just trying to express a point. Thanks for your comments.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

My libido was driven A LOT by hormones. When I was younger and still a virgin, I was so sexually driven all the time, in my mind, I was just about ready to JUMP any man! That drive still kept going and going, until I got married and pregnant, and maybe 2 or 3 months in the pregnancy, all my libido dropped to almost NOTHING. Nothing had changed at all, no medications or changes in the relationship, NOTHING except the pregnancy. I was quite upset about it, too. Only now since my daughter hit about 4 years old has my libido started to improve a bit.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I agree with the OP. My husband has become less attentive, less engaging, and more self-involved which has lead me to terrible thoughts and feelings about myself and my own attractiveness. The harder I work on my end doesn't seem to matter... He is who he is. And I liked who he used to be a lot more than I like who he is now. I feel so alone much of the time. I'm not a cheater, but I will say temptation has come up and I considered it, briefly. I miss the male attention, of feeling attractive in my own right. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Yin, I have the same problem, as do a lot of women. When it gets really bad, I do bring it up. Hurts like heck, because you feel like you are BEGGING for his attention, but at least it gets brought to light.
On the other hand, I find that the busier I get, the less I notice his lack of attention, and how bad I feel about it. So maybe get busy with something? A class you're interested in, a hobby, etc... and then you'll feel better about yourself, and when you DO get together, it'll be better for you both. I know this sounds vague, but it does work for me.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you  I have a pretty full life, I do work, have hobbies (as an artist), keep several appointments a month for health, pregnancy, counseling, etc. It just seems like we're leading separate lives under the same roof sometimes. When we do get out together either one or both of us is so tired and usually crabby that it becomes a chore. I hate that! We have some other issues as well, but we're working on them, trying to stay allies and not enemies!

Here soon we will be taking some parenting classes... I'm really looking forward to it! 

(My apologies to the OP for going off-topic)...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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