# Guys, REALLY need your insight on email from my estranged husband



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Long story, short: I left my husband late Sept. '09. His alcoholism had landed him overnight stays in the county jail three times, he went through three rehabs just to go back to the bottle within weeks of getting out, and he managed to get terminated from the federal government after 17 years. Losing his job was the final straw for me. 

I have never seen anyone drink as much as him; 24/7 benders that went on sometimes as long as three weeks. Detoxing himself at home (incredibly scarey), driving drunk, having the cops call me because he crashed his truck into a wall, multiple times in the ER due to extreme intoxication while wandering through the grocery store, etc.

So, I packed up my stuff and headed back East, where I had lived my entire life until he "pulled a geographic" (in addiction's parlance) and moved us to a remote area of Arizona in June '05.

He quit drinking a year ago. With the exception of one slip, I honestly believe he is maintaining sobriety. A.A.? Nope. He's pulling a dry drunk, but at least he isn't a zombie. He went back to grad school to get some high-end certificate in hydraulics engineering (already has a master's). Don't ask me ... the courses consist of tons of math, and apparently the "math part" of his brain wasn't fried by the booze. We have had a cordial relationship via email and an occasional phone call.

He bought me a webcam/microphone for Christmas and suggested we talk via Skype on occasion, and since then, we've had two such conversations. The first one went pretty well, but during the second one, I was more aware of that "alcoholic personality" coming through. He was sober both times. Believe me, living with a man that long, I KNOW sober from even slightly buzzed.

Okay. Now down to the nit and grit. He has never discussed a reconiliation, nor has he made any proclamations of undying love for me since the day I left. But ... I noticed he was wearing his wedding band during both Skype meetings.

I recently asked him why he was wearing his wedding band, as it was sending me mixed signals. First response: "To keep all the hot chicks from hitting on me!" His idea of humor. So I brought it up again, because he actually started making noises about us living together again, particularly since it would make "sound economic sense." (How romantic!)

Here, verbatim, is his honest response via email as to why he wears his wedding band: "I wear my wedding ring because I'm married. Plain and simple. And I want people I meet to know that. It's a constant reminder of my obligations."

WTF???:scratchhead: Any and all feedback will be greatly appreciated!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

He gets to think whatever the hell he likes.

Whether or not what he thinks is enticing to you is a different matter entirely.

Find your post confusing. Are you asking because you still feel drawn to him? Trying to understand why you would care what he does at this point based upon the behaviors in the past that you outlined. But ...

you haven't moved to divorce him either.

Sounds like he is interested in doing and saying what he needs to in order to recover his marriage.

But ... he would need a willing partner for that undertaking. And I wouldn't blame you if you weren't willing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Deejo said:


> He gets to think whatever the hell he likes.
> 
> Whether or not what he thinks is enticing to you is a different matter entirely.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He considers himself married emotionally. It isn't a legal definition, it is how he feels about it. It isn't about the external appearance to others, it is a statement to himself that he values his marriage with you.

There would seem to be a new him who sees what he had and what he never appreciated. Just because you two don't live together doesn't mean he thinks of himself as un-married.

Or, he only wears it while skypeing with you and it is some kind of mind game with you.

You'll have to decipher it based on your knowledge of him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you, Thor, for your response Y'know, I can't see the forest for the trees. I was looking at what my husband's actions based on the frequently confusing past history we shared.

My husband is sober now. Yes, I do believe he wears his wedding band all the time. Since he quit drinking, he has been upfront and honest with me. I'm the confused party in this case - not him.

I never filed for divorce because it would be a zillion times easier for him to do so in Arizona. However, when I asked him a year ago if he wanted to file, he said no.

My husband did a lot of crazy stuff during his drinking days. Sometimes, I still see things from that perspective. However, he's cleaned up his act this past year.

Again, thans for clarifying for me; I really appreciate it!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well you still didn't answer whether you want to reconcile with him or not?

In any case, I can see what he's doing (or thinking).

- He was badly hurt by the break-up of your marriage
- He regrets many things
- He does hold a certain level of resentment towards you, hence the hesitation to let go of his ego during conversations
- He loves you
- He doesn't want to come off as needy and apologetic
- He values your marriage as a very special achievement in life and is not willing to let it go unless you make it clear to him that you're over him

Are you over him?

If not, then show him a bit of a green light and he will run to you. You must remember that his confidence might have taken a bad beating and he needs your help to regain it. If you crush his confidence, he may regret his loyalty and run back to alcohol.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

synthetic said:


> If you crush his confidence, he may regret his loyalty and run back to alcohol.


i can agree with about everything else you are saying but dont put this part on her.
if he does, its all on him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Both of us have been scared to wander into the world of reconciliation, although when we communicate, we are both cordial. I have hesitancy based on the alcohol-drenched insanity I saw over the years.

Yes, I DO have feelings for my husband. I stood by him through some pretty heavy stuff that went down during our marriage. Love is a choice, not always a feeling. I chose to stay until he drank himself down to 120 lbs. and was staggering around naked through the house, pooping on the furniture. That is the progressive nature of alcoholism. 

First thing we learn in Al-Anon: *I didn't CAUSE his drinking, I can't CONTROL his drinking, and I can't CURE his drinking.* No, my husband has never blamed me - not once - for his addiction. He alone owns that.

I have not been playing head games with my husband, but I've been hesitant to suggest reconciliation until he had at least a year of sobriety. Also, I get mixed messages from him as to whether or not he wants me back.

I have tremendous respect for the men who come on this board and give advice, which is why I FINALLY posted this, after being on TAM for a year.

My husband and I are both codependent. I work a program, and go to IC, to handle mine. I recognize the traits in him, but I cannot order him into IC. He does, however, go to a veterans' support group once a week for vets with PTSD. He does have a bit of that, after spending March through November 2003 in Iraq and Pakistan.

My husband and I have our share of baggage. He told me I could come back and live on the other side of the house in the master suite, which is huge. I think he is afraid of sex because our sex life was non-existent the last two years we lived together. 

I am willing to work on myself, let down my guard, and be a supportive wife to my husband. I always admired his intellect, and he was a darned good officer. I can only speak for myself, but I really need to let him know more often how much I appreciate him. He's been very down since losing his job, and I think he's afraid of what the future holds. He tends to worry and sweat the small stuff a lot more than I.

I see where I hold resentments towards some of the stuff he pulled, but it's counterproductive to a reconciliation. Yes, I can understand that he has resentments towards me as well. 

I just want to do my best to show him I still love him, but I don't want to make him feel pressured into a reconciliation. We're both licking our wounds from some of the crap that happened in our marriage, but I want to leave it behind.

P.S. - My husband holds in his feelings A LOT. I don't push much, but when I do want to find out how he feels he often gets a bit defensive. Thus, I tread lightly.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well I can see that you are a very fair and intellectual woman. Your husband must also see that in you and that's one of the reasons(among many) he still loves you.

I also think the field of work he was in required him to hold a lot of his feelings which unfortunately always causes problems in marriage.

You're doing the right thing by taking things slowly, though I'm not sure if the distance and lack of face-to-face communication is helping your cause. Is there anyway to arrange a few meets before a full-fledged moving-in?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, we are planning for me to fly out to stay with him for a week in the next month or so. No definite date yet. It will be a bit surreal to actually see him f-2-f after 29 months, particularly the "sober version" of him ...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I wish you the best of outcome. 29 months is a long time for the two of you to "not move-on". There must be a special thing in between. Hopefully it's special enough to hold you two together and provide enough strength to shed all the bad habits on both sides.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

You need to make it clear that a reconciliation is only possible if he stays sober. If he drinks you are gone. 

You need to decide for yourself what other conditions he would need to live up to in order for you to return. 

He is obviously wanting you back.And it seems like you want him back. But only under certain conditions. Define those conditions for yourself and then demand them from him. It really is that easy.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Have you gone to see him yet?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Your user name should be 'Job's daughter' for your devotion to your husband - even when he has been less of one - is worthy of admiration. I wish you all the best because I can't think of anyone more worthy and deserving than you.


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## Tess112 (Mar 9, 2014)

Sorry for bringing up an old thread, but I was curious - did you reconcile and work it out? Did he change his ways?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Tess112 said:


> Sorry for bringing up an old thread, but I was curious - did you reconcile and work it out? Did he change his ways?


You can click on her profile then click on statistics and read her past posts or just the threads she started.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Wow.. He really loves you. If you're thinking about going back, I wouldn't until he's sober for like a year at least lol


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

What a devoted wife. You are a gem. Your estranged husband is quite possibly the luckiest guy on the planet! 

Please keep us posted!


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