# Considering divorce, but I'm trapped and scared



## LilacMorph (Jun 30, 2015)

A little bit of background...

We've been married for 5 years, together for over 7 years. I was in my late teens when we met and the connection was instant. I considered myself to be the luckiest girl (now a woman) on earth, especially after my previous relationships.
Our biggest struggle at the first was the fact that we lived the world apart and had to decide, whether we wanted to go through with being together. So then, we got married, and a year later I moved to the other side of the world to be with the man I loved. This was a huge sacrifice for me, because I have a big family that I am very close with, unlike him with his family (they live in the same city and only meet during Christmas). Moving also meant I lost connection with many of my friends and I gave up the career I originally wanted.
It took me a while to acculturate and to adjust to the move, but I soon began working and went back to school to pursue my interests. Now I'm nearly finished with school and hope to work next year again.

Our relationship went through rough times, just like any young couple just getting started we had money issues. And although I did not spend money (in fact I used my debit card maybe once a month), he oftentimes would take the stress out on me and guilt trip by saying ''he is paying all the bills'' (an argument he still uses almost daily). At that point I was taking 5-6 full-time courses at the university, in my third language. It required a lot of work and hours, and for that reason I was not able to work. I offered to work part-time, but then I would have had to go to school part-time also. He refused the offer because he wanted me to graduate as soon as possible. 

Soon after I began school I was starting to have chronic pain and health issues. It took the doctors two years to give me a diagnosis, after which I soon went into a surgery. He was by my side the whole time, for which I am grateful. He was there for the multiple times my pain was so bad I was rushed to hospital because I could not stay conscious. After my operation though, I sensed that he was not fully satisfied with me. During the surgery they had to do 6-7 different operations, of which I agreed to 3, but due to what they found when my stomach was opened, they found more things to remedy. As I left the hospital few days later, the nurse gave me instructions for after care, in addition to pamphlets about the different operations. When I got home I was heavily medicated to avoid risk of infection and to regulate my pain and I was barely able to move (I needed help to get up and to go to bath as well as to lay down, since I had stitched on 4 different spots). The day I got home my husband expressed how he was disappointed with me and how he thought I would start losing weight as soon as I get home but instead I was being ''lazy''. I was so shocked by his words. I knew I had gained around 13-15 pounds in the months before the surgery because I had often been in too much pain to move. But where he got his notion that I will go on a run few days after, I did not know, until he showed me ONE of the pamphlets he had found for ONE of the operations I had, which stated that I can resume to walk in few days. I showed him the papers I got from the surgeon for instructions, which stated ''no physical activity for 3 weeks''. Even though I had just proven him brutally wrong, he never apologized or changed his view. Not only had he made me feel horrible, but he had just indicated that to him the top priority was not my recovery, but losing weight. 
In retrospective, I know that the changes in him (changes for worse) had already begun before my operation, after he went on a long work trip. During his trip he became suspicious and jealous of me and acted oddly. I told him I had never done anything to him to lose his trust, and that he was acting irrationally. This only infuriated him more. In fact, he would even get mad about the fact that I had been assigned to a group in some of my courses, that had guys in them (through random assignment). I tried to reason with him that I had no hand in that decision and that I could not simply drop courses for that reason, because I'd never finish my degree. 
When he got back from the trip (nearly 5 months), things were a little better. However, the change in him was obvious. Although he told me he will never take me for granted again and that he will treat me with respect, it was obvious that the trip had left with him with a ''little'' souvenir: social anxiety. He would feel extreme agitated in crowded places, even if this was Starbucks with 10 people in it. Some every day things became nearly impossible, such as grocery shopping, which I had to do by myself, as well as banking and other things. Although this significantly increased my workload, in addition to my volunteer work, full-time school, and doing literally everything at home from cleaning to cooking (besides taking garbage out), and walking the dogs, I never once blamed him for it. I was only concerned and wanted him to get help. Even when it got to the point where we could not go for a coffee or to a movie together, I only expressed my concerned.He never got help, but luckily his anxiety started to improve after he admitted and recognized that he had an issue.

Last year I realized how little time we spent together, even if we were both home. I would often be downstairs waiting for him, while he would play video games for hours (some days he would play 8-12 hours) and he began to plan everything around the game. Even our anniversary dinner would end short, because he wanted to hurry home. I told him that I am worried about us, about how little time we spend together and how there is lack of intimacy. Although we would have sex 5-6 times a week, all cuddling, kissing and hugging was long gone. He didn't even really like to hold hands anymore. I said that it was not the kind of place I imagined myself, at only mid-twenties (he is almost thirty). 
Instead of being worried about what I had just told him, he got mad. He said he didn't want to spend time with me because I annoyed him, because he didn't want to hear me ''yap'' and because I was an ungrateful b****. These news were not only devastating to me, but came as a full surprise. Inside I had the feeling that he was merely trying to justify his addiction with video games and did not like to be accused of anything. I never attacked him or gave him an ultimatum to quit games, I said I'd like to do more things, like we used to and as two people who are fond of each other should be.
I did not manage to change his mind, and the only reason he slowly weaned off the games was when his friends quit (several of them because their significant others had left them because of their addiction).

Things continued in this manner until this year, when everything got increasingly worse. In February I was rushed to hospital because of severe stomach pain, only to discover that I required an emergency surgery that would be far more extensive than the one I had in 2013. I spent a week in the hospital and when I went back home, my husband had to go to work (they could not give him time off). I was left with his father who was living at our place for the month, before he could move to his own apartment. His father was no help to me and in fact made daily comments such as ''too bad you do not like to keep your house clean'', because I was bed ridden and could not clean. He would point to fluffs of dog hair on the floor and say ''tut tut someone really should vacuum''. Yet he did nothing for it. It got so bad I begged my mother-in-law (who is remarried to someone else) to come over and help me move to a more private room in my house because I felt like a complete failure and wanted to cry because of his comments. My husband on the other hand, just told me to ''let it go''. Which I did, but I felt betrayed. 

Once his dad moved out we started to focus on having a baby. Because of my surgeries, my ''parts'' work but they have no fuel, meaning my hormone levels are very low and I need constant monitoring by a doctor. I have to keep track of days, take multiple medications, of which some give me horrible side effects, and the worst part is that I feel all alone in this process. He has no sympathy for those days when I have extreme nausea and headache. If I need to go to a doctor he says ''you have to legs'', to indicate that I can go by myself. 
Lately he has got so mad about trivial things that he has threatened me with a divorce multiple times, in addition to telling me that he wouldn't have married me if he knew what he knows. He also keeps saying that I am fat, although I am the same weight as pre-operations (the weight I was when we met), yet he has put on 60 pounds since then. I am sick of his emotional and verbal abuse. He calls me stupid, makes fun of my ethnic people, my family etc. I try to put it aside and focus on making the marriage better but he puts no effort in. NO effort. Every day I have to hear ''you're an ungrateful ***** and you can take care of yourself from now on''. Yet I do his laundry, make him three meals a day, help him with his school work, bake cookies for his friends, keep the house clean and take care of all our pets in addition to going to school and working part-time. How am I supposed to have a child with a man who does not treat me with respect?

The worst part is that I have begun to lose respect for him and I have lost my patience to the point that when he pins everything on me and demands that I apologize to him (according to him all arguments and fights are my fault and I alone cause conflict, I tell him it takes two to tango), that I have started to scream at him. Sometimes I even call him an as*h*** because I am sick of his behaviour. But screaming triggers him and he has got physical with me, not hitting me but throwing me across the room and holding me down to a point where I've had horrible bruises, a split lip and fractured nose. I know that at this point, whoever (if anyone) is still reading that is thinking that I should have left already. And I have been thinking about it. I figured that the point at which one should leave is when it is more painful to stay than it is to leave. I just don't know if I have reached that point yet. Especially because I am truly scared and trapped. I do not have my own finances and my family lives across the world: I have nowhere to go here. Yet I do not want to leave the country until I have finished school. I only have two classes left to complete my degree. I do not know if he would want to keep some of the pets and I would never see them again...Last time he said he will divorce ''if I don't...'' (whatever it was) I told him I cannot live in a constant fear of him leaving and that if he threatens me I will have to leave and he'll never hear about me again. He didn't take me seriously and said that I'd have to live with him until my school is done even if we had officially separated. I told him I'd rather live in a shelter than under the same roof with him, if that was the case.

The saddest part is that I love him very deeply but I cannot stand the man he has become. He says that I changed him for the worse and that he hates me for that. The thought of him with someone else kills me inside, since he was my first after all and I was his first. He has many good qualities. He is charming, he is extremely smart, funny and compassionate (just not towards me lately). He is also very good to his parents and friends. He is honest and I know he would never cheat on me, he even calls me after some of his friends dragged him to a strip club because he felt guilty about it (I really didn't mind). 

I'm living on my tippy-toes now and I don't complain anymore when he goes upstairs to play, I feel a little relieved to be honest. I feel so conflicted because I am ready to have a baby and I really want to have a baby, but I don't know if I should have one with him. The doctor has also warned us that our chances of having twins are very high because both of our families have high rate of twins (his older brothers, his uncles, my father and uncle and uncles from mother's side). So this weighs on my shoulders. Also, it is difficult to find the courage to have intimacy with him after how he has criticized my body. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Yet if I leave him I have to start all over again financially and relationship wise. It will take me years to find and have a child with someone else.

I really don't know what do anymore...I just know that I have started to build a wall around me and to keep distance from him because I am sick of fighting,contempt and discontent.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

That is WAY too long. I skimmed it. I get two takeaways:

1 - He is an insane maniac and you are insane for staying with him.
2 - DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET PREGNANT WITH THIS MAN IN THIS SITUATION.

Actually, I just thought of a third takeaway:

3 - DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET PREGNANT WITH THIS MAN IN THIS SITUATION.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

MachoMcCoy said:


> That is WAY too long. I skimmed it. I get two takeaways:
> 
> 1 - He is an insane maniac and you are insane for staying with him.
> 2 - DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET PREGNANT WITH THIS MAN IN THIS SITUATION.
> ...


AGREED!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are sleeping with the enemy!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Surely you know getting pregnant would be a terrible thing to do given the relationship you have described. if you are only staying in the marriage to stay in the country and finish school it says to me you have already made the decision to end the marriage and leave. Your concern now should be the practical aspects of how you get out of the marriage and survive on your own. Only you can decide if you can handle staying with him through the completion of two college courses. You probably want to seek some sort of employment, even if only part time. You should explore alternatives if you need to leave what sounds like it is turning into a dangerous abusive situation quickly.
So, my suggestions would be -
-put pregnancy out of your mind and insure you are taking steps to avoid it
-take practical steps to plan for a future on your own - explore alternatives (women's shelters in your community, etc), get a job, even part time
-finish your schooling


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The only thing worse than the situation you're in would be to add a baby to the mix. Don't. 

Cut your losses, go back home, and resume the life you left.

PS
You're still very young. You have plenty of time to find someone else to have a baby with.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your husband is an emotional and physical abuser.

You have been through a lot at such a young age. You are a victim of abuse (his abuse)
Do NOT get pregnant or consider staying in this relationship. 

Finish your degree, file for divorce and go back to your own country. Tell your family what is happening. Abuse hides in the shadows, expose it.
In the meantime get yourself an IC to talk about what you are going through. There may be abuse victim support organisation in the country you live in, find out.

Arm yourself with knowledge about domestic abuse.
Here is a useful link, you will probably see yourself here.

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf

Why did his mother leave his father? Was there domestic abuse involved at all?


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