# Sister In Law causing problems in my marriage



## ninabean (Sep 27, 2015)

Hello,
My husband and I have been together since high school and have a very strong relationship. We do get into horrible arguments about his sister in law. His brothers wife has consistently been disrespectful to me for almost 12 years now. She will make comments like...your children are brats, your cooking is horrible, you don't do things right, that furniture is ugly. She even will tell me to shut the F up. The last couple years I felt anxiety the entire week leading up to a family event. And then I will be on guard the entire time because I didn't know what would pop out of her mouth but something always did. I have tried ignoring it, yelling at her, dishing out to her what she gives to me, talking to her about it for hours. Nothing ever changes. I finally had enough 3 years ago during a holiday when she said I looked so ugly in a picture. I emailed her later and told her that I could no longer be around her because she was disrespectful and I would not tolerate it. She emailed me back saying that it was typical behavior for me and that of course I would do this to her when she was graduating college. My husband said he would support me 100% and that it was out of line to be treated that way. We told everyone we werent going to go to an event and then his brother called him screaming about how I was keeping him from the family and that I was too sensitive. My husband then played mediator and I ended up having to deal with everything on my own. over the past 3 years my husband would say ...the tension is so thick, it is ruining my family events. I would feel bad for him and then go talk to her to see if we could be civil so everyone else had a good time. I arranged a meeting with her to see if we could atleast be civil and she wouldn't let me talk about how her words were hurtful and then she turned around like I had done something to her. The last 3 years have been hell for me going to events. I decided not to go to any family functions that are at my SILs house...only to go to things my MIL has because I care very much for her. What has happened is that my husband interacts with his brother and wife and I am left uncomfortable and not included in conversations. I feel like my husband didnt back me up and has left me to try to find a solution on my own. Whenever I bring it up in conversation he gets so mad and says hurtful things... like...everyone else has moved on but you. And Im so sick of discussing it, I am done. It is tearing us apart and I dont want it to end in divorce. Any suggestions?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woah boy that's a tough one!

I've had similar issues and like you felt abandoned by my husband when the nasty stuff happened right in front of him and his reaction didn't feel supportive.

Read that sentence again... His reaction didn't feel supportive.... 

I had expectations/hopes that my husband would clearly take my side and defend me. I didn't say those things out loud though.

The social scenarios in which those things happened would have meant for my husband to go completely against his nature and character in order to defend me the way I expected. Secondarily, he would have been pitting himself against MY family..a very tricky place to be!

My solution was to cut off that family member entirely. We do not speak other than hello at family gatherings. There is great family fall out from this but like you, the basic demand of being treated civilly was met with derision, leaving me two choices. Continue to be the punching bag, or cut ties and cause tension with the rest of the family.

Your husband can still have a relationship with his brother, if he can make it work on a 1:1 situation. But to expect you to offer yourself up as the target for the bullying SIL is not an option!

You and your H need to talk so he understand what you expect from him, so that he can also talk about how supporting you, which is what he desires to do, will affect him and the rest of the family. Together you two can strategize how to handle family functions and ways he can help during those times. Be a team together trying to mitigate this bully's affect on your happiness and mood.


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## ninabean (Sep 27, 2015)

Thank you for your reply! Well we did talk about our plan of action before I had sent her that email. We had decided that we needed to stand together as a couple and that he would let everyone know that her behavior was not acceptable and that we would not be going to any family functions. We missed just one and then the brother called screaming at my husband. My husband smoothed everything over...lets talk like adults...she was rude to my wife...we should all be civil to one another. And then we are going to family events again. Except this time my BIL and SIL doesnt want anything to do with me. They are so nice and chatty with my husband who forgets Im even there. We did talk about including me in conversation and he will try to include me but honestly sometimes I will conversate and sometimes I feel like I just hate even being there. Its just so fake to me. I just feel like it is worse now then it was when I was talking to her because now I am the odd one out. I am probably the only one that still cares about it. I think because I feel like my feelings aren't considered. She hasn't said anything negative to me in a year but thats only because I purposely keep my distance. This weekend, My BIL told his little boy to say goodbye to everyone but didn't mention my name. It was very hurtful. My husband said...well thats because you tend to isolate yourself and act like you dont want to be an aunt. And then we just get into huge arguments. I feel like when I try to talk to him about my feelings, he turns it around like it hurts him instead of me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ninabean said:


> Hello,
> My husband and I have been together since high school and have a very strong relationship. We do get into horrible arguments about his sister in law. His brothers wife has consistently been disrespectful to me for almost 12 years now. She will make comments like...your children are brats, your cooking is horrible, you don't do things right, that furniture is ugly. She even will tell me to shut the F up. The last couple years I felt anxiety the entire week leading up to a family event. And then I will be on guard the entire time because I didn't know what would pop out of her mouth but something always did. I have tried ignoring it, yelling at her, dishing out to her what she gives to me, talking to her about it for hours. Nothing ever changes. I finally had enough 3 years ago during a holiday when she said I looked so ugly in a picture. I emailed her later and told her that I could no longer be around her because she was disrespectful and I would not tolerate it. She emailed me back saying that it was typical behavior for me and that of course I would do this to her when she was graduating college. My husband said he would support me 100% and that it was out of line to be treated that way. We told everyone we werent going to go to an event and then his brother called him screaming about how I was keeping him from the family and that I was too sensitive. My husband then played mediator and I ended up having to deal with everything on my own. over the past 3 years my husband would say ...the tension is so thick, it is ruining my family events. I would feel bad for him and then go talk to her to see if we could be civil so everyone else had a good time. I arranged a meeting with her to see if we could atleast be civil and she wouldn't let me talk about how her words were hurtful and then she turned around like I had done something to her. The last 3 years have been hell for me going to events. I decided not to go to any family functions that are at my SILs house...only to go to things my MIL has because I care very much for her. What has happened is that my husband interacts with his brother and wife and I am left uncomfortable and not included in conversations. I feel like my husband didnt back me up and has left me to try to find a solution on my own. Whenever I bring it up in conversation he gets so mad and says hurtful things... like...everyone else has moved on but you. And Im so sick of discussing it, I am done. It is tearing us apart and I dont want it to end in divorce. Any suggestions?


I don't understand your husband nina and I think you much be disappointed in him. If my wife were treated like this at family outings then I can assure you whoever was picking on her would be too busy worrying about me even notice her. And I love my family a lot but there would be no room for stuff like this. He cannot 'nice' or 'pacify' his way though this. It's a boundary he either has or doesn't.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ninabean said:


> Thank you for your reply! Well we did talk about our plan of action before I had sent her that email. We had decided that we needed to stand together as a couple and that he would let everyone know that her behavior was not acceptable and that we would not be going to any family functions. We missed just one and then the brother called screaming at my husband. My husband smoothed everything over...lets talk like adults...she was rude to my wife...we should all be civil to one another. And then we are going to family events again. Except this time my BIL and SIL doesnt want anything to do with me. They are so nice and chatty with my husband who forgets Im even there. We did talk about including me in conversation and he will try to include me but honestly sometimes I will conversate and sometimes I feel like I just hate even being there. Its just so fake to me. I just feel like it is worse now then it was when I was talking to her because now I am the odd one out. I am probably the only one that still cares about it. I think because I feel like my feelings aren't considered. She hasn't said anything negative to me in a year but thats only because I purposely keep my distance. This weekend, My BIL told his little boy to say goodbye to everyone but didn't mention my name. It was very hurtful. _*My husband said...well thats because you tend to isolate yourself and act like you dont want to be an aunt. And then we just get into huge arguments. I feel like when I try to talk to him about my feelings, he turns it around like it hurts him instead of me.*_



I do the same thing. It really bothers me to be in the same room with her and I tend to just kind of shut down. Meanwhile everyone around me is having a great time, and then I feel left out...but it was me who tagged myself out. 

I wish I had some answers for you because then I could use them for myself too. 

But the purposeful slight...your H should have had your back on that one! 

That's the thing that bothers me the most, I adore my nieces and nephews but when my sister is there...I can't get a word in, she pushes into conversations I'm having with them and takes over....and I shut down and walk away. I don't know how my H could rescue that sitch, I think that's all on me. I just don't have any fight left for her sh!t. 

Try not to isolate yourself at family events. Try to have positive interactions with everyone, as best as you can. Try to connect with each person separately, even her kids if you can manage it. 

I should take my own advice ...


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## ninabean (Sep 27, 2015)

thank you Thundarr ...it is nice to hear a mans perspective. It stung a little to hear but I needed it. 
peacem and Anon Pink I so appreciate your thoughts. I am thinking that I just need to cut her out of my life completely because it is torture for me. It makes me sad that I will be excluding myself from family events although I do feel like that just might be the next step to solving this issue. I know that if I do not hear about or see her that I will feel at peace and I do feel like this will help my marriage. I think my husband will be upset that I do not join him to his family functions but the overall I feel like it could save my marriage. Thanks!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ninabean said:


> thank you Thundarr ...it is nice to hear a mans perspective. It stung a little to hear but I needed it.


Thanks nina and good luck. Maybe my protective nature makes me too harsh toward your hubby. I liked peacem's input a lot. She's right in that when you distance from impossible people they then become impossible for everyone still around them. My knee jerk reaction still makes me angry that she's gotten away with it so far though.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ninabean said:


> Hello,
> ...His brothers wife has consistently been disrespectful to me for almost 12 years now. She will make comments like...your children are brats, your cooking is horrible, you don't do things right, that furniture is ugly. She even will tell me to shut the F up. ...
> 
> ....What has happened is that my husband interacts with his brother and wife and I am left uncomfortable and not included in conversations. I feel like my husband didnt back me up and has left me to try to find a solution on my own. Whenever I bring it up in conversation he gets so mad and says hurtful things... like...everyone else has moved on but you. And Im so sick of discussing it, I am done. It is tearing us apart and I dont want it to end in divorce. Any suggestions?


Um.... OH. MY. GOD. I am fuming on your behalf. I actually feel tightness in my chest!

1. I would think you husband is just very conflict-averse, which he very well may be. But that does not explain, how in the HELL he has witnessed her BLATANT 15-year-old-mean-girl treatment of you first hand, yet when you are willing to go to family gatherings with him despite her treatment of you, which he acknowledges is unacceptable, and you do this solely for him and his relationship with his family, he is happily chatting her up? While you feel awkward and left out? 

What. the. F*CK?

And then he says "everyone else has moved on." So YOU must be the crazy pain in the a$$ because no one else in his family is bothered by the fact that this raging-whack-job-***** is treating you with blatant hostility? 

Do they not believe it or do they just not want to face and deal with what is going on?

NO. I am sorry, but WRONG. ANSWER.

And as for this:



ninabean said:


> My husband said he would support me 100% and that it was out of line to be treated that way. We told everyone we weren't going to go to an event and then his brother called him screaming about how I was keeping him from the family and that I was too sensitive. My husband then played mediator and I ended up having to deal with everything on my own...


You are not keeping your brother-in-law from his family. Your brother-in-law's unwillingness to but a choke collar on his out of control wife is keeping him from his family.

I just remembered something my ex husband said to me as we prepared for our divorce. I asked him why he always took his ex-wife's side when he knew she was wrong/mean/evil/etc. and he said: "I knew she was wrong, but she is just a much bigger ***** than you could ever be, so it was just easier to give into her than stand up for you. I knew I could deal with the fallout from you."

Your Husband and BIL both know SIL is unhinged, but they are conflict avoidant, and they know YOU are reasonable where SHE is not, so their best chance at getting what THEY want - which is to hang out together - is to ignore your cries for help.

MY ADVICE:
I don't know what to say you should do about your husband's betrayal of you, other than to say you are not crazy, it is a betrayal. He is letting someone abuse you and putting you in uncomfortable situations so he can comfortably hang out with family.

DEALING with the CRAZY RELATIVE:
You could simply refuse to go to any family gathering's where she is. That would be a form of drawing your own boundary that the treatment is not acceptable to your standards for yourself. 

But you may not want to do that for your own reasons. So I would just say - I understand why your husband's betrayal bothers you. But that does not mean crazy SIL needs to bother you. She's whacked in the head. It's clear. What adult says the things she says to another adult, even if they think them? They just don't. So don't take anything she says seriously. Certainly don't feel bad about yourself or let her hurt your feelings. Everyone KNOWS how she is, even if they won't address it.

Since her rudeness is so blatant (as opposed to sly little digs that could be misinterpreted) it's no secret that she's saying inappropriate things. I'd have a little fun with it and use her as a psychological experiment for yourself where you get to say anything you think and feel to her in public that you would normally never say.

Of course we seldom think of the perfect comeback in the moment. So go prepared with some good generic responses that will work for most rude comments. You know her, you can probably think up a few that will hit her where it hurts... Here are a couple off the top of my head, I'm sure you can do much better if you give it some thought.

But no matter what - this woman should not be able to embarrass you or hurt your feelings. The way she acts is about her, not you.

SOME IDEAS:
-- Laugh like it's funny, then say "Oh my! I see SOMEONE forgot to take her Tourretts meds this morning! LOL."

-- Say "Wow, sometimes I almost admire your willingness to be tactless."

-- Turn to BIL and very innocently ask: "Have you ever considered a muzzle for this one? You must get so embarrassed."

-- Have a book in your purse on self-help, or hormones, borderline personality disorder, etc. And when she says something obnoxious in front of everyone else say: "Oh my God, that reminds me. I can't believe I almost forgot! I have a gift for you! Then hand her the unwrapped book where everyone can see the title and say "I saw this and of course I thought of you immediately. I really hope it's helpful."

-- Give her a confused look when she says something inappropriate then say "I'm going to get another drink. I don't want to get too buzzed, it's just that I find you so much more palatable with a little liquor in my bloodstream."

-- Say "I'm really sorry you seem to feel so threatened by me. As you can imagine, I've dealt with other women's jealousy all my adult life. I really do try to keep a low profile, but what am I to do? A star's gonna shine."


Ha ha. Let your Husband and BIL deal with YOU now if family means so much they will put up with any behavior to "keep the peace."

And if your husband complains when you get home, tell him "I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone else seems to have moved on."

I could go on... If you're ready enough you'll be disappointed if she DOESN'T say something. LOL.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ninabean said:


> Well we did talk about our plan of action before I had sent her that email. We had decided that we needed to stand together as a couple and that he would let everyone know that her behavior was not acceptable and that *we would not be going to any family functions. *


So you thought it would be best to isolate yourselves - both of you - from all family events? I can't imagine any husband that would actually be able to do that if he cared about his family. He's not going to his mother's house to celebrate her birthday or Christmas, for example, if the SIL is there? That would cause more problems and hurt feelings than it solves. That strategy was destined to fail since your husband does care for his family. I think asking him to isolate himself from family events was asking too much, and it resulted in exactly what one could expect.



> We missed just one and then the brother called screaming at my husband. My husband smoothed everything over...lets talk like adults...she was rude to my wife...we should all be civil to one another. *And then we are going to family events again. Except this time my BIL and SIL doesnt want anything to do with me. They are so nice and chatty with my husband who forgets Im even there.*


Did you expect your BIL and SIL to be friendly to you?That was a mistake and expecting far too much. She already doesn't like you and was vocal about it, so she's not going to be friendly and chatty with you after your no-show because of her, and after your H had that conversation with your BIL. And BIL is, of course, going to side with his own wife. They probably decided the best way to deal with this problem is to ignore you. Which sounds like a fine plan - disengaging when there are issues is a good idea in order to prevent more issues.

Why did you want them to be friendly with you? Why not get up and go talk to your MIL or go play with the kids or whatever? Why not calmly disengage from them? Isn't that what you wanted? To be left alone by this person you don't like and who doesn't like you? 


> We did talk about including me in conversation and he will try to include me *but honestly sometimes I will conversate and sometimes I feel like I just hate even being there.* Its just so fake to me.


Again, why do you want to be included in conversations when you don't really want to be part of the conversations? You are contradicting yourself. What exactly do you want here?


> I just feel like it is worse now then it was when I was talking to her because now I am the odd one out. I am probably the only one that still cares about it. I think because I feel like my feelings aren't considered.


What are your feelings? What do you want? To talk? To not talk? To be there? To not be there? 



> She hasn't said anything negative to me in a year but thats only because *I purposely keep my distance*. This weekend, My BIL told his little boy to say goodbye to everyone but didn't mention my name. It was very hurtful. My husband said...well thats because you tend to isolate yourself and act like you dont want to be an aunt.


Your H is right. If you aren't a presence in this child's life, you can't expect to be treated like you are.



> And then we just get into huge arguments. I feel like when I try to talk to him about my feelings, he turns it around like it hurts him instead of me.


I think your H is in a tough spot. He doesn't know what to do. He agreed to you sending that email about not going to any family events anymore because SIL was mean to you. You two missed an event, brother called upset (what event did you miss? a birthday? christening? whose feelings were hurt that your H wasn't there?), so your H tried to smooth things over. During the past year, your SIL and you have kept your distance, but now you're upset that you aren't being included and thought of as family to this extended family. 

What exactly do you want your H to do? If you know and can clearly tell him so, try that. But you are waffling all over the place in terms of what you want to happen here and how you want things to be. And now, it's hurting your marriage. 

You can choose to handle this differently. Stop having so many expectations of what your H and what other people should do to make you feel better. Focus only on what YOU can do.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

norajane said:


> ...What exactly do you want your H to do? If you know and can clearly tell him so, try that....


I think that is great advice. Men usually respond better to an explicit, concrete request. And thinking about this may help her get clarity on the situation too.

But...



norajane said:


> ...I think asking him to isolate himself from family events was asking too much, and it resulted in exactly what one could expect.
> 
> Did you expect your BIL and SIL to be friendly to you? That was a mistake and expecting far too much. She already doesn't like you and was vocal about it, so she's not going to be friendly and chatty with you after your no-show because of her, and after your H had that conversation with your BIL. And BIL is, of course, going to side with his own wife. ....


I don't understand this sentiment at all. Why is BIL "of course" going to side with his own wife - who was the clear instigator of the entire situation, yet it's unrealistic for OP to expect her husband to side with her when she is the victim in this situation?

I can understand the BIL and SIL still not being friendly to the OP, and I understand the husband *wishing *the SIL was not such a witch, but I can't at all understand him taking the OP to a family gathering when he knows she feels sensitive and awkward and then abandoning her and hanging out, laughing and joking with the BIL and SIL, who are making no effort to be friendly to her despite her efforts, right in front of her.

Unless there's a whole bunch of her own bad behavior that OP left out of the story, I can't begin to wrap my head around this. My husband would NEVER do something like that. He is on MY side, always. And yes, the marriage comes first, before other family. 



norajane said:


> ...Your H is right. If you aren't a presence in this child's life, you can't expect to be treated like you are.....


She's at a family gathering and a parent tells their child to say goodbye to everyone _*except *_her? That seems really passive aggressive to me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I don't understand this sentiment at all. Why is BIL "of course" going to side with his own wife - who was the clear instigator of the entire situation, yet it's unrealistic for OP to expect her husband to side with her when she is the victim in this situation?


Because he has to live with his wife, the mother of his child. And if she can make the OP miserable with her comments in public, imagine what she could do to a husband at home. And it doesn't cost him anything to side with his wife - he isn't distancing himself from his family. He's just doing what he's always done.

I think it's highly unrealistic to expect a spouse to side with you if it means distancing themselves from family and absenting themselves from family events. She is putting her H in the middle of her problem with her SIL, and making it a much bigger problem by doing so.



> She's at a family gathering and a parent tells their child to say goodbye to everyone _*except *_her? That seems really passive aggressive to me.


She isn't speaking to the parents of that child. Expecting them to reach out to her via their child isn't likely.



> Unless there's a whole bunch of her own bad behavior that OP left out of the story, I can't begin to wrap my head around this. My husband would NEVER do something like that. He is on MY side, always. And yes, the marriage comes first, before other family


If my BIL was mean to my man, I wouldn't stop speaking with or hanging around with my sister, not ever. I could never see that happening, but I still wouldn't ever stop seeing my sister. I can't imagine anyone expecting me to. That's messed up!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nina,

How much of the things that the SIL says and does has your husband witnessed/heard?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

norajane said:


> Because he has to live with his wife, the mother of his child. And if she can make the OP miserable with her comments in public, imagine what she could do to a husband at home. And it doesn't cost him anything to side with his wife - he isn't distancing himself from his family. He's just doing what he's always done.
> 
> I think it's highly unrealistic to expect a spouse to side with you if it means distancing themselves from family and absenting themselves from family events. She is putting her H in the middle of her problem with her SIL, and making it a much bigger problem by doing so.
> 
> ...


Except she WAS speaking to them and she tried to mend things, and they would have none of it. Then when she got to the gathering she stayed away from them AFTER they ignored her when she tried to be friendly. And her husband just stands there yukking it up with them when they won't include his wife in the conversation.

I completely understand you would not stop hanging out with your sister if her husband was mean to yours. I have a brother my husband can't stand (for good reason) but I still love him and talk to him on the phone and see him when I can (He lives in another state). But I don't have him into my home and I don't push my husband to visit him with me.

Anyhow -- I understand what you're saying about your sister, but are you saying that if her husband treated your husband with the overt, unprovoked hostility, in front of everyone that you would expect your husband to accompany you to family events with him there and when your husband was not comfortable around the BIL you would just ignore your own husband and stand there laughing and joking with the BIL in front of him?


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

You've got to get smart and level your playing field. Your sister in law knows that her words hurt you, and she probably gets off on it. Perhaps she is jealous of you, your life and your family. My Aunt is the same way to my mother, and my mom is pretty meek sometimes. But Holy Hell, when my mom goes off, she goes off. My mom will defend herself, not in a mean way, but in a strong defensive manner. 

The power of others around you is very strong, when you are surrounded by family and she tells you the shut the f up, you can respond in a way that will get the rest of the family looking at her and not you. You take away her power when her words no longer affect you. I know that it is hard, almost impossible sometimes, but with practice and after you get on a roll, it will be easy to defend yourself. 

I used to be under my aunts thumb, to the point that she almost replaced my own mother. When I finally bucked up on her, she punished me by ignoring me like it bothered me, lol I got a week of peace. Now I am no longer under her thumb, because I stand up for myself and sometimes my mother. 

Sometimes when you grab the bull by the horns, the bull falls over and is defeated. Hope this helps... you definitely need to stand up for yourself though. Not in a overly sensitive way either... maybe your sister in law in bipolar? She sounds a lot like my brother who is bipolar.. if I make a comment like towards his hair or anything he will respond with a slew of cuss words... this is normal for him, and I have learned over the years to just brush it off. You've got to let her comments roll off you like water off a duck. : ) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. : )


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her words mean nothing. Do not let them hurt you.

Maintain self control. 

If she says something bizarre or insulting, just stare at her for a moment. And then talk to someone else about something else.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't see my awful inlaws at all. They've never liked me (didn't like his first wife either) and despite my best efforts to forge a relationship with them, it never happened. Things came to a head earlier this year, SIL was the instigator and I've had to disengage, for my own sake. 

I would never expect nor ask hubby not to ever see his parents again, but he has to do so without me, and he's not to discuss anything about me, our marriage or our family with them. Holidays also belong to us - him, me and our daughter. We come first, and the inlaws fit in around us. He is not to leave us on those big days to go and see them, he can see them any other time around those days, but the days themselves belong to us. That's my boundary and their consequence for their appalling behaviour over the last few years.

Luckily hubby has my back, and FINALLY after seeing the effect their treatment was having on me, and catching his mum out in a few lies, he's started standing up for me, challenging her and calling her out on her bullsh!t.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You shouldn't cut yourself off from the family, go and have fun at the events just ignore her. Talk to others, if she is as bad as you say, I am sure others know what she is like. Create some allies in the family, be nice to everyone. If she starts her antics in front of others do as someone suggested above, be sarcastic, witty, do not let her see that this gets to you. 

By staying away, she has won. She is disrespectful and rude so just treat her like a bothersome fly. You need to learn to stand up for yourself. Your H should still be able to have a relationship with his brother. Some men just do not know how to deal with in laws and may feel he is not in a position to go for her as she is his brother's wife after all. Her opinions shouldn't matter to you, so act like that when she is around and if she insists on giving her opinions, etc tell her you cannot recall speaking to her or asking her anything. Women like that know how to bark until they are put in their place, be more assertive.


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