# Be gratefull and accept what you get.



## RayJay50 (Aug 27, 2012)

I know this isn’t a surprise to anyone on this page but my wife lacks imagination when it comes to having sex. While dating we had sex frequently and she would suggest public locations, toys, loved receiving oral, and talk dirty to me all the time. Things have changed…. Now we have sex on average twice a month, because that’s when she’s in the mood. I have given up trying to have sex because every day when I get home I hear about how her stomach hurts, has gas, doesn’t feel right down there or the trust standby, has a headache. When we do have sex it’s exactly how she wants it, missionary with two pillows to prop her ass up or occasionally doggy style. Foreplay is at a minimum and “only” if she wants to do it, and I don’t want to comment too much on the bi-annual blowjob which are given as birthday and anniversary presents. 
When I tried to talk to her about our sex life, she gets defensive and is confused because she thinks our sex life is great. Of course it’s great for her, she only does what she wants when she wants and there’s no room for deviation. If I tell her I would like to do something different I hear that I’m gay, or go find a hooker or that she doesn’t have all day to think about sex so I should come up with some ideas. I love how I should think of something but only if it doesn’t involve anything different than her approved two moves. She tells me I should be happy about our sex life and feels that I should be grateful that I’m getting what I’m getting. That really makes me mad, because she’s acting like a school girl with the Platinum Platted ***** syndrome. 
I know there are no cures out there, but I’m curious if any other people have run into this situation.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

RayJay50. This is a great book. Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life 

I've read it and was where you are at now. Also see the links at the top of the forum in the mens clubhouse.


----------



## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

This relationship is disrespectful and abusive. I agree with CanadianGuy. Start running the MAP as Athol suggests and find your self respect and confidence. He won't guarantee that it will save your marriage, but it will make you a happier guy who won't put up with this abusive tone.

Sex is not currency to be dolled out on special occasions. They should get pleasure from giving you pleasure. Start by getting some respect back in the relationship. The sex is secondary to this. My view on marriage and relationships in general is that you don't get to decide things unilaterally and then say, "This is how it is, suck it up". That's not respect. That's not how a healthy marriage works. That says, "I don't care about what you need or what makes you happy". You see how much power she has in your relationship? That's not right. She can certainly decide to go wherever she likes in terms of her attitude, but you can also decide to get a divorce.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

RayJay50 said:


> I know there are no cures out there,


Yes there are cures out there. Follow the other advice and man up. Get into shape, take care of yourself. Make the decision you're not going to live the rest of your life like this. Let her know that you'd like to live the rest of your life with her, but only if she's going along with a change to the way things are now.



RayJay50 said:


> but I’m curious if any other people have run into this situation.


100% of the male posters you're going to see here on Sex in Marriage are now or have been in your boat. I was. Even the twice a year BJ. Low drive men just don't come here so all you have are the men who aren't getting enough.

80% of the women here are in the same boat. We will get a few low drive women who are brave enough to come here. Just a request: They are invaluable to us, so please be nice to the LD women.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

RayJay50 said:


> I know this isn’t a surprise to anyone on this page but my wife lacks imagination when it comes to having sex. While dating we had sex frequently and she would suggest public locations, toys, loved receiving oral, and talk dirty to me all the time. Things have changed…. Now we have sex on average twice a month, because that’s when she’s in the mood. I have given up trying to have sex because every day when I get home I hear about how her stomach hurts, has gas, doesn’t feel right down there or the trust standby, has a headache. When we do have sex it’s exactly how she wants it, missionary with two pillows to prop her ass up or occasionally doggy style. Foreplay is at a minimum and “only” if she wants to do it, and I don’t want to comment too much on the bi-annual blowjob which are given as birthday and anniversary presents.
> When I tried to talk to her about our sex life, she gets defensive and is confused because she thinks our sex life is great. Of course it’s great for her, she only does what she wants when she wants and there’s no room for deviation. If I tell her I would like to do something different I hear that I’m gay, or go find a hooker or that she doesn’t have all day to think about sex so I should come up with some ideas. I love how I should think of something but only if it doesn’t involve anything different than her approved two moves. She tells me I should be happy about our sex life and feels that I should be grateful that I’m getting what I’m getting. That really makes me mad, because she’s acting like a school girl with the Platinum Platted ***** syndrome.
> I know there are no cures out there, but I’m curious if any other people have run into this situation.


First of all, you are far from alone. In fact, this site exists largely because of people with this problem.

You don't provide a whole lot of info on your family dynamic (do you both work, how many kids and what ages, lingering resentments from affairs or other betrayals, potential sexual abuse issues, any other stressors - illness, money issues, etc.). You also don't say (if you indeed know) what might be some underlying triggers to this behavior. So, we can only talk in generalities.

I would guess she is not turned off by or angry with you because, as little as twice a month seems, sex would be much less frequent (and oral sex non-existent) if she were. And, if that were the case sex would have been bad before marriage.

Regarding her choice of sex positions - it seems that those positions are designed to maximize her stimulation and minimize her effort. IOW, twice a month she just lies there and has you get her off. Sounds like she expects to be serviced to her contentment and you either are happy with that or not.

All those excuses are likely just that - excuses. The real reason she does not simply say "I don't want you that much" is that she does not want to offend you and/or she does not want to suffer any adverse consequences that may result from you knowing she just is not into sex (or sex with you) that much.

You need to cut back on the attention somewhat and start making yourself scarce. Have other things to do. Get some better clothes, more friends, and a busier social life independent of her. Start turning down sex if it does not meet your needs. If you cannot do that comfortably, you need to break the power sex has over you. To that end, a sexual moratorium may help you.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

RayJay50 said:


> While dating we had sex frequently and she would suggest public locations, toys, loved receiving oral, and talk dirty to me all the time. Things have changed….


Why do you feel things have changed? You stated she is giving excuses such as headaches, stomach issues etc. Why do you think she is giving excuses? Have you helped to make her feel loved and wanted? has she picked up on anything you are doing or not doing that has upset her and caused her to disconnect from you, to make her feel she needs to hand out excuses?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Why do you feel things have changed? You stated she is giving excuses such as headaches, stomach issues etc. Why do you think she is giving excuses? Have you helped to make her feel loved and wanted? has she picked up on anything you are doing or not doing that has upset her and caused her to disconnect from you, to make her feel she needs to hand out excuses?


Not that I disagree with CallaLily but be careful going down this road. Often times if you are doing all the things CallaLily suggests, it just reinforces the behavior.

As others have asked, more information is needed.

Did this happen over time or has it been this way since (or before) you got married?

Any major changes in your life during the time your sex life crashed?


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> RayJay50. This is a great book. Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life
> 
> I've read it and was where you are at now. Also see the links at the top of the forum in the mens clubhouse.



A really good book..








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

RayJay50 said:


> ...or go find a h**ker


I've been in your situation, and I've heard most/all of the nasty shyte you posted. On the h**ker comment, I've heard that, or "Just go find another woman if you need that!" 

Do you give this reply - "No, baby, I would never do that. I love you." If so, stop it. My reply changed to a big smile and "Okay. I'll find another woman to have s*x with." Then STFU, and walk away smiling. 

I don't hear those comments any longer.


----------



## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

I can only second the recommentation to read this: Books by Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life 

I have to dig through the old(er) posts to remember who recommended it to me, but I'm still grateful to him (her?) because of that. 

I read the book about a month ago. I'm going to re-read it again soon, slower this time. Long story short - I found out that I've become betaized over these years more than I'd like to admit; there were chapters when I thought - where is that hidden camera this guy has obviously planted in my apartment?? - while reading them.

I'm still at the beginning of the road, so to speak, although I was pleased to find out that I'd already made some steps in the right direction. 

really. get the book. these may be the best 1x dollars spent in your life. because, let's face it - she's now walking all over you and then some. she has no respect to you whatsoever. become more of a man, not for her, for yourself! do you like yourself as you are now? chances are - not so much. do things to change it for the better.

/it's interesting how sometimes a Person, while being in a Similar Situation, can clearly see where others fail and can't really understand his own situation, w/o external help/

edit: went for a smoke (I have this habit) an thought some more. don't do anyhing under this state of mind "so, I'll man up and get better and she will notice it and surely will want to have sex with me!" because chances are that she won't. you have to change for yourself and yourself only. you own your life. your time is limited, you'll die eventually. if you crank up your sex rating and she'll still won't notice, have you ever considered that she's just not the one for you? It could well be true. it doesn't lessen your value in any way. like with shoes: if you wear size 10 then regardless of the manufacturer, the materials used and epic craftmanship that ended in a perfect shoe of size 8 - it just won't fit you, whatever you do. it's pointless to blame yourself or jump through the hoops, size 8 is just too small. there's nothing you can do. there's nothing you need to do - except to find a perfect shoe of size 10 (or two shoes, those things work much better in pairs).


----------



## peterwilli (Aug 29, 2012)

This relationship is disrespectful and abusive.


----------



## RayJay50 (Aug 27, 2012)

All, 
Thanks for the replies, and I apologize for taking so long in replying to this forum. I took the advise of CanandianGuy and much of you, and bought the MMSP. Once I read the MMSP I spent all of this time preparing and enacted the MAP, and so far it's working brillantly, better than I thought actually, Both of us are happier and the lines of communiction have actually opened up. Much of the things she would lash out at are now a calp and open discussion, which has improved the quanity as well the quaility of sex. Once again thank you for the advice and the comments.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

RayJay50 said:


> I know this isn’t a surprise to anyone on this page but my wife lacks imagination when it comes to having sex. While dating we had sex frequently and she would suggest public locations, toys, loved receiving oral, and talk dirty to me all the time. Things have changed…. Now we have sex on average twice a month, because that’s when she’s in the mood. I have given up trying to have sex because every day when I get home I hear about how her stomach hurts, has gas, doesn’t feel right down there or the trust standby, has a headache. When we do have sex it’s exactly how she wants it, missionary with two pillows to prop her ass up or occasionally doggy style. Foreplay is at a minimum and “only” if she wants to do it, and I don’t want to comment too much on the bi-annual blowjob which are given as birthday and anniversary presents.
> When I tried to talk to her about our sex life, she gets defensive and is confused because she thinks our sex life is great. Of course it’s great for her, she only does what she wants when she wants and there’s no room for deviation. If I tell her I would like to do something different I hear that I’m gay, or go find a hooker or that she doesn’t have all day to think about sex so I should come up with some ideas. I love how I should think of something but only if it doesn’t involve anything different than her approved two moves. She tells me I should be happy about our sex life and feels that I should be grateful that I’m getting what I’m getting. That really makes me mad, because she’s acting like a school girl with the Platinum Platted ***** syndrome.
> I know there are no cures out there, but I’m curious if any other people have run into this situation.


Well it does kind of sound to me like you have it better than some people on this forum.

That being said, what exactly are you suggesting? I'm guess things to do with butt holes because she made the gay remark.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> I've been in your situation, and I've heard most/all of the nasty shyte you posted. On the h**ker comment, I've heard that, or "Just go find another woman if you need that!"
> 
> Do you give this reply - "No, baby, I would never do that. I love you." If so, stop it. My reply changed to a big smile and "Okay. I'll find another woman to have s*x with." Then STFU, and walk away smiling.
> 
> I don't hear those comments any longer.


I disagree with this approach.

Manipulating and threatening your wife into sex acts is kind of a **** move.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> Yes there are cures out there. Follow the other advice and man up. Get into shape, take care of yourself. Make the decision you're not going to live the rest of your life like this. Let her know that you'd like to live the rest of your life with her, but only if she's going along with a change to the way things are now.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yay, someone appreciates me! :lol:


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> 100% of the male posters you're going to see here on Sex in Marriage are now or have been in your boat. I was.


dude, sorry. Nope. Not even close, are you kidding?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Be grateful for what you get is a 2 way street.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> I disagree with this approach.
> 
> Manipulating and threatening your wife into sex acts is kind of a **** move.


As opposed to her manipulation in making the offer in the first place?

Of course my response would be the next time you offer that, let me know where to forward your mail.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> As opposed to her manipulation in making the offer in the first place?
> 
> Of course my response would be the next time you offer that, let me know where to forward your mail.


What offer? She didn't offer to do a sex act with him. He apparently wanted to do something she didn't and I'm guessing, by her hooker comment, made her feel degraded. 

I was commenting on the "Of course, I can just find another woman to do that with if you won't do it."

Or are you defending that?

She shouldn't have said it but his response wasn't exactly helpful.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> What offer? She didn't offer to do a sex act with him. He apparently wanted to do something she didn't and I'm guessing, by her hooker comment, made her feel degraded.


Actually, offering up a hooker to your spouse is pretty dang hurtful. No two ways around it. She can decline an act without resorting to that.



> I was commenting on the "Of course, I can just find another woman to do that with if you won't do it."
> 
> Or are you defending that?
> 
> She shouldn't have said it but his response wasn't exactly helpful.


I have no problem with that response. As I noted, she tossed that hurtful comment out. That response (as well as mine) is a clear statement to watch out what you say. I am not defending actually getting a hooker. I am defending attacking that statement.


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

RayJay50 said:


> All,
> Thanks for the replies, and I apologize for taking so long in replying to this forum. I took the advise of CanandianGuy and much of you, and bought the MMSP. Once I read the MMSP I spent all of this time preparing and enacted the MAP, and so far it's working brillantly, better than I thought actually, Both of us are happier and the lines of communiction have actually opened up. Much of the things she would lash out at are now a calp and open discussion, which has improved the quanity as well the quaility of sex. Once again thank you for the advice and the comments.


After reading the subsequent comments, I was concerned that your update was getting missed.

Well done, Ray. Congratulations on your success!


----------



## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> I've been in your situation, and I've heard most/all of the nasty shyte you posted. On the h**ker comment, I've heard that, or "Just go find another woman if you need that!"
> 
> Do you give this reply - "No, baby, I would never do that. I love you." If so, stop it. My reply changed to a big smile and "Okay. I'll find another woman to have s*x with." Then STFU, and walk away smiling.
> 
> I don't hear those comments any longer.


O M G THIS!! I'm so sorry littlebird, I really want us LD's to stick together but man, this would have saved us so much heartache and pain. It would have snapped me into reality that what I was doing to my poor devoted and deprived husband was incredibly and totally wrong and hurtful. I had no idea how much I was hurting him. Now, going off and finding someone "to chat with" after a comment like that and NOT telling your wife about it, even making it seem like you could never do such a thing.. well.. that's what landed me here. Either way, in hindsight, this would have helped. No joke.

Now my question is can I read the book too or will it not work on me when hubby implements it then? lol.. I'm so willing to change, so wanting to have a higher drive. We're sorta in hysterical bonding mode right now, but I'm DREADING coming out of it. Sure there are the occasional hypo-manic phases that some heightened sexuality is expressed, but those are 1 out of 10 hypo-manic episodes. I don't care if I'm hypnotized or drugged into it, I want things to change!!!


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> O M G THIS!! I'm so sorry littlebird, I really want us LD's to stick together but man, this would have saved us so much heartache and pain. It would have snapped me into reality that what I was doing to my poor devoted and deprived husband was incredibly and totally wrong and hurtful. I had no idea how much I was hurting him. Now, going off and finding someone "to chat with" after a comment like that and NOT telling your wife about it, even making it seem like you could never do such a thing.. well.. that's what landed me here. Either way, in hindsight, this would have helped. No joke.
> 
> Now my question is can I read the book too or will it not work on me when hubby implements it then? lol.. I'm so willing to change, so wanting to have a higher drive. We're sorta in hysterical bonding mode right now, but I'm DREADING coming out of it. Sure there are the occasional hypo-manic phases that some heightened sexuality is expressed, but those are 1 out of 10 hypo-manic episodes. I don't care if I'm hypnotized or drugged into it, I want things to change!!!


A glib comment is one thing but actually progressing in that direction is totally inexcusable. 

And that's OK, we can still stick together!

My fiancé is so far from deprived....he's utterly spoiled rotten, sexually and otherwise.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

RayJay50 said:


> I know this isn’t a surprise to anyone on this page but my wife lacks imagination when it comes to having sex. While dating we had sex frequently and she would suggest public locations, toys, loved receiving oral, and talk dirty to me all the time. Things have changed…. Now we have sex on average twice a month, because that’s when she’s in the mood. I have given up trying to have sex because every day when I get home I hear about how her stomach hurts, has gas, doesn’t feel right down there or the trust standby, has a headache. When we do have sex it’s exactly how she wants it, missionary with two pillows to prop her ass up or occasionally doggy style. Foreplay is at a minimum and “only” if she wants to do it, and I don’t want to comment too much on the bi-annual blowjob which are given as birthday and anniversary presents.
> When I tried to talk to her about our sex life, she gets defensive and is confused because she thinks our sex life is great. Of course it’s great for her, she only does what she wants when she wants and there’s no room for deviation. If I tell her I would like to do something different I hear that I’m gay, or go find a hooker or that she doesn’t have all day to think about sex so I should come up with some ideas. I love how I should think of something but only if it doesn’t involve anything different than her approved two moves. She tells me I should be happy about our sex life and feels that I should be grateful that I’m getting what I’m getting. That really makes me mad, because she’s acting like a school girl with the Platinum Platted ***** syndrome.
> I know there are no cures out there, but I’m curious if any other people have run into this situation.


Mr. Ray, 

It would be good for you to hear the opinion of other people, who was in your situation long ago.

I hope this could be a good inspiration for you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67092-who-sexless-marriage-like-me-2.html#post1426865



Holland said:


> I was in a sexless marriage, kids, busy life and logistics kept me there.
> I am a HD woman, he was the LD partner. It was a LTR of 17 plus years, was sexless for the last 5 years perhaps, I can't really remember anymore.
> 
> In the end I called it quits, it wasn't the lack of sex that was the real problem, it was that he told me he loved me yet his inaction showed the opposite. Like nearly everyone elses situation, we were great in every other way. Successful, hardworking, we had a brilliant social life, traveled, kids in private schools and all the sports and activities.
> ...



I must thank Mrs. Holland for her inspirational story. I hope this will be an inspiration to you too, Mr. Ray.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> A glib comment is one thing but actually progressing in that direction is totally inexcusable.
> 
> And that's OK, we can still stick together!
> 
> My fiancé is so far from deprived....he's utterly spoiled rotten, sexually and otherwise.


So her glib comment is forgivable but his is another step down the road the h3ll? Sorry, you bias is showing.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> So her glib comment is forgivable but his is another step down the road the h3ll? Sorry, you bias is showing.


You're utterly ridiculous. I said PROGRESSION was inexcusable. Or are you condoning going to get a hooker?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LittleBird said:


> You're utterly ridiculous. I said PROGRESSION was inexcusable. Or are you condoning going to get a hooker?


Still not condoning it, as I mentioned before.

Are you condoning her making the suggestion that he get one? Because you sure seem to have no problem with it. She can make glib off the cuff comments, no matter how hurtful, and you see no problem. He does the same and you view him he as an awful person. That is you bias and one that needs to be corrected.

My point is that her initial comment was extremely hurtful and disrespectful and needs to be shut down. Sometimes, escalation is the only way.


----------



## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

LittleBird said:


> Yay, someone appreciates me! :lol:


I appreciate you. You say what you believe and stand by it. That's character. I think your a sweety with a big heart
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

