# Trial Separation...



## RockRootsRebel (Jul 14, 2011)

Good Afternoon,

I’m really overwhelmed right now and just need some good insight. Warning you guys now, this may be all over the place…

I have been married to my husband for about 7 months. We have been together for over 4 years. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting married. We have many ups and downs throughout these past few years. I have been working full-time while he attends school full-time and is on athletic scholarship. We were both young when we decided to get serious. I come from a family where we were always on top of things and I learned to be responsible pretty quickly. He had a harder upbringing and got in a lot of trouble as a kid. His dad really wasn’t around much either. His dad doesn’t give him much insight about being a husband. It’s not related to his athletic career, it’s not discussed. He admits that he holds in his emotions and that has caused some issues in our marriage. . We have talked several times and he stated that he realizes his shortcomings are b/c he doesn’t express his emotions and that he doesn’t think before he acts. He bottles them up to the point where it comes off like he doesn’t care about anything. I have been very open with him and let him know often that he can talk to me about anything at anytime. He feels I wouldn’t understand his feelings and thinks whatever he feels and expressing them is “stupid” He is amazing at giving me at advice to express myself but can’t follow his own. It has been stressful on my part working and I do feel like I have spent a lot of time working and worrying about us and losing sight of who I am. There have been instances where he has kept things from me and even had an emotional affair. It’s almost like a kid who does something wrong and tries to cover it up until it gets out of hand and those instances negatively affected our finances and our relationship. We tried counseling. After a session, we are fine then a few days later it’s the same issues, we go when we can but schedules are crazy. (He had summer school and practice and I work until 10 at night) We will have fights then realize our errors and effectively communicate, and then we will go back to our lives (me working a dead end job and him being gone all day at school and practice) and we end up having the same fights. It’s hard to take time to work things out b/c of our schedules (I can’t take time off because bills are still due and the school pays him bupkus…) I will be starting at a better paying job soon with amazing hours and pay, we were planning to move and start over but I was worried that the problems would still remain. I worked really hard to obtain this job but it hurts that our dream of us being happy together in our new place with my new job as been put on hold. So I sat him down and told him that all the lies and other things he has been doing will cause him to lose me. I told him he waits until the crap hits the fan to shape up and it doesn’t help us at all and maybe we should opt for a trial separation. At first he was devastated and now after taking time to think, he is taking it well, he says he doesn’t want to not be without me but understands to be the husband I deserve and the man he needs to be that we need the time apart so that he could have time to be responsible and not have me behind him cleaning up his messes. He says he needs to take time and get some help and starting being introspective. He suggested he get individual counseling and starting reading books to get some peace. He made it clear this is not the end and is committed to us staying married. He said at the end of the 3 month separation that he wants me to move in with him. He says he wants us to date each other and get to know each other again.. But now im the emotional wreck. This hurts more than I thought I would and I know deep down it will help us but im still devastated. I’m upset that it has come to this, even though I know its best. We moved into together when he was starting his first year of college so he came from living under his parents’ roof to being with me. I took care of everything and now this is his shot to gain confidence and be a man. Do you think this could work? What should we do during the separation to make our reconciliation for the best?


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Hi Rock, 
Yes I think this can definitely work. 
First of all, I want to say kudos to you for not only sticking up for yourself, but the marriage as well. You had enough courage to see the errors in the marriage before it became too late to fix things. If you both work hard towards reconciliation while separated I see no reason why this would not work out. 

The individual counseling, books, dating each other and getting to know each other again, are all great suggestions on his part. Separation is very hard, and very painful, but it looks like you have a lot to look forward to in your marriage. As long as you both put as much effort into working on the relationship as the other, than things should be fine (make sure he is putting all the work into it as he says he is). He says he is serious about this and wants to be with you, so try to focus on what you want the outcome to be and not the physical separation right now.


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## RockRootsRebel (Jul 14, 2011)

Thank you so much caughtdreaming...I appreciate your words more than you know.

You are right, despite this being my idea...I am having a hard time with the physical separation. I know it's the right idea but it's hard for me to come to grips with. I know deep down that I should be using this time to work on myself too. I have low self esteem and was always worried about "us" and never did anything for me. It's impossible for me to think I will get back with him and love him if I don't love and treasure myself.

I even asked him is there a way if we can stay together and work it out but deep down I know that's just my emotions talking...I have to grow up and do the right thing, not matter how much it hurts and sucks right now...


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