# Once a WS has moved on, do they ever feel remorse?



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

I don't want to scare waywards away, so please help me in this. I've been struggling with this recently even though I'm 2.5 years out.  Check out my threads for my story. 

My Exww did not end up with her AP, but does not see her daughter. She moved several states away with her new husband (who also has kids he doesn't see). She talks the talk about wanting to see our daughter but actions speak otherwise. 

My question is, for those waywards who moved on after it ended, do you feel remorse? After everything is cooled down and you've moved on with your life, is there ever a time when you think "wow, what was I thinking"?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A great question! Hopefully some will answer


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TheGoodGuy said:


> I don't want to scare waywards away, so please help me in this. I've been struggling with this recently even though I'm 2.5 years out. Check out my threads for my story.
> 
> My Exww did not end up with her AP, but does not see her daughter. She moved several states away with her new husband (who also has kids he doesn't see). She talks the talk about wanting to see our daughter but actions speak otherwise.
> 
> My question is, for those waywards who moved on after it ended, do you feel remorse? After everything is cooled down and you've moved on with your life, is there ever a time when you think "wow, what was I thinking"?


*Coming from a "loyal" XH who was blindsided by both of his WW's, my educated guess is that "the wayward," in their very private moments alone ~ either with or without the presence of God in their life, feels some lesser or greater sense of remorse over their misgivings only to themselves, but with extremely rare exception, would never, ever make that admission to their former betrayed partner out of either jaded arrogance, fear, or cowardice! At best, other than to themselves, they may admit their remorse from their transgretional misgivings to perhaps some very close confidante who, at the time that it occurred, may have been supportive of their original idea to stray!

I say that because my first WW(my son's bi-polar mother) actually made that heartfelt confession to me only recently that what she did to me was reprehensible and asked me to forgive her, which I did, saying that she only wishes that she could turn back time and pick up at the point that we left off at! I told her that I had forgiven her a very long time ago, but was now at a point in my life that the very last thing that I ever needed was a third marital relationship that went South over spousal infidelity, much less anything else!

Regarding my RSXW, she may have her private moments of remorseful reflection alone, but she is preeminently too proud, too arrogant, too jaded, too rich, and too "remarried" to even care! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think some do. One of my best friends is a WW and her family was destroyed, her ex is remarried (and has become a terrible dad to his bio kids). We had a talk earlier this year and she told me she was very remorseful, which she'd never done what she did, etc. I don't think she still loves her ex and/or wants him back, but now, many years later, YES she is quite remorseful. 

In my counseling session yesterday, I discussed this very concept my counselor with regard to my ex. It is highly unlikely I'll ever get any kind of admission of remorse from him, and it's hard to deal with. In fact, it's one of the biggest things I struggle with right now, and the reason we went back to bi-weekly sessions instead of once a month lol!


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think some do. One of my best friends is a WW and her family was destroyed, her ex is remarried (and has become a terrible dad to his bio kids). We had a talk earlier this year and she told me she was very remorseful, which she'd never done what she did, etc. I don't think she still loves her ex and/or wants him back, but now, many years later, YES she is quite remorseful.
> 
> In my counseling session yesterday, I discussed this very concept my counselor with regard to my ex. It is highly unlikely I'll ever get any kind of admission of remorse from him, and it's hard to deal with. In fact, it's one of the biggest things I struggle with right now, and the reason we went back to bi-weekly sessions instead of once a month lol!


This is what I was thinking about last night. I don't expect (or want) her to still love me, but curious if she misses what she had. Plus she basically gave up her child and her life is a complete mess. Even though she apologized a couple of months after I kicked her out of the house but well before she moved away, I suspect things did not turn out for her like she thought they would. As in, the grass was not greener on the other side.

Again, would love to hear from a WS on this, and am attempting to keep this from being a WS bash fest.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Also, thanks Arb for replying. I was also the faithful spouse and was blindsided in both of my marriages. How did we pick these people? (Rhetorical question). SMH


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think it depends on the person. Some people can dig deep, have some self reflection and realize they really screwed up. Some can't. People like my SIL just can't admit when they are wrong, then they wouldn't be perfect. That's the most important thing to them. This is her 2nd go around (marriage then affair) and she didn't learn a darn thing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My buddy's wife is remorseful.

But I think she's only remorseful because she got caught, the other man dumped her instead of his wife, and my buddy dumped her instantly while she was in the fog.

Her life is now quite difficult.

And that's why I think she is remorseful. Because her fairy-tale romantic/sexy life she was dreaming of ended up with her alone and struggling financially.

But I'm sure if it went differently she wouldn't regret it at all. And I think any articulation of remorse is really aimed at her ex husband as "take me back, this is hard now."

It's human nature. If things work well, we say "it was necessary for my growth/love/destiny/whatever." If things don't, we feel regret.

Maybe it's flipping through my wife's copy of "eat, pray, love" that has me feeling this way.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

My situation isn't typical but the answer is no, I've never had one ounce of guilt.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> My situation isn't typical but the answer is no, I've never had one ounce of guilt.


Care to elaborate?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

TheGoodGuy said:


> This is what I was thinking about last night. I don't expect (or want) her to still love me, but curious if she misses what she had. Plus she basically gave up her child and her life is a complete mess. Even though she apologized a couple of months after I kicked her out of the house but well before she moved away, I suspect things did not turn out for her like she thought they would. As in, the grass was not greener on the other side.
> 
> Again, would love to hear from a WS on this, and am attempting to keep this from being a WS bash fest.


Do I feel bad about the things I have done, absolutely. I wasn't just lying to my wife. I was lying to myself too. Always telling myself this is the last time. If I can just quit doing this I can have my life back the way it used to be and the guilt will go away. Never realizing that once you go down that path you can't get it back. Its like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. It doesn't work. 

So yes, I feel bad, that I can't be the man that my wife deserves. I look at other strong family men and I honestly feel inadequate, like a phony. I feel terrible that my wife is settling for me. She seems happy, even with my shortcomings, but she deserves so much more. I have self control over everything in my life it seems except for this. 

But do I feel remorse? If we are going by the definition I would say that I do, but at the same time. If it was true remorse. Shouldn't I be able to stop?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Healer said:


> Care to elaborate?


My wife lost ALL interest in sex after we had kids. She hyperfocused on them and was always very LD to begin with. I went 7 years without and stayed loyal. I finally told her I was done and while I wasn't going out looking for an affair, if one presented itself to me I couldn't promise how I'd respond. She still didn't want to work on our relationship.

And yes she knows and doesn't appear to care so long as I don't divorce her and she has to go back to work. It's pathetic really.

My only regret is I didn't divorce her 10 years ago.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I never once heard even so much as a apology from three different women so I really doubt most even care. I will tell you this it would not matter much to me these days even if I did hear something like that from one of them. I lost all respect for them when they did what they did. It just really does not matter that much to me now. It would have been one thing if they would have owned up to it when it happened but they never did. I really could care less how they feel these days. I just stay focused on my life and my kids life. 

C


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

marduk said:


> Maybe it's flipping through my wife's copy of "eat, pray, love" that has me feeling this way.


:lol:

That book sends a shiver down my spine whenever I see it. 

It's the "Necronomicon" of sophist, New-Age self justification.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> My wife lost ALL interest in sex after we had kids. She hyperfocused on them and was always very LD to begin with. I went 7 years without and stayed loyal. I finally told her I was done and while I wasn't going out looking for an affair, if one presented itself to me I couldn't promise how I'd respond. She still didn't want to work on our relationship.
> 
> And yes she knows and doesn't appear to care so long as I don't divorce her and she has to go back to work. It's pathetic really.
> 
> My only regret is I didn't divorce her 10 years ago.


So you're currently still married? Separated?


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

marduk said:


> My buddy's wife is remorseful.
> 
> But I think she's only remorseful because she got caught, the other man dumped her instead of his wife, and my buddy dumped her instantly while she was in the fog.
> 
> ...


This makes a lot of sense. Did the woman get completely to rock bottom (like I believe my ex got pretty close to)? After my ex dropped a nuke on our family and I kicked her out, she continued dropping nukes on herself a long time. Lied to employers, got fired from everyplace she worked, spent every cent she had on impulsive ****, etc. So her and her new husband moved states away, abandoning her daughter (I think his kids had already been abandoned by him, not sure where they live), lived in a real life teepee for a few months, etc. I mean, a serious departure from our nice life before. 

I bet you're right that if fantasy land had been real, there is no "remorse" necessary, but if they start heading toward rock bottom, they wish they could go back. Not because they miss the person, but the "normal" life?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

TheGoodGuy said:


> This makes a lot of sense. Did the woman get completely to rock bottom (like I believe my ex got pretty close to)? After my ex dropped a nuke on our family and I kicked her out, she continued dropping nukes on herself a long time. Lied to employers, got fired from everyplace she worked, spent every cent she had on impulsive ****, etc. So her and her new husband moved states away, abandoning her daughter (I think his kids had already been abandoned by him, not sure where they live), lived in a real life teepee for a few months, etc. I mean, a serious departure from our nice life before.
> 
> I bet you're right that if fantasy land had been real, there is no "remorse" necessary, but if they start heading toward rock bottom, they wish they could go back. Not because they miss the person, but the "normal" life?


She kept her job and half custody of her kids, so I wouldn't say so.

I just know life for her has gotten a lot harder the couple times we've run into her. She looks like she has aged about 10 years in 2 years, you know what I mean?

She still pines for her husband, too.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

TheGoodGuy said:


> So you're currently still married? Separated?


Still married living together but room mate situation only. We rarely speak. I filed in Feb. of 2013. 9 months later my lawyer died and left nothing. I had to start over. Her and her lawyer were VERY slow and thought I was desperate so they tried to get me to agree to a ridiculous settlement. Then her lawyer stopped working on the case for 6 months until stbx paid her bill. Then last April she dropped her as a client for non-payment. So I'm back to square one. I got her to agree to fix up our home and sell it next spring and she could have the bulk of the proceeds and we go our separate ways. And do the divorce uncontested (which I'm going to start working on this month). Once I dangled a big check in front of her she couldn't resist because then she wouldn't have to go back to work right away.

We separated twice. The first time for 10 months and I went home to try one more time (failed). The second time she started making threats of moving 5 hours away (back home) with my kids so I backed off. I found out later she can't just up and move them and has to get the courts approval and prove it's in the best interest of the kids, which she would've never been able to do. That was 4 years ago.

I've never been through a more frustrating experience in my life than being married to this woman and trying to get her to divorce me. Not trying to hijack this thread...just answering questions.

Now you see why I have no remorse.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> She kept her job and half custody of her kids, so I wouldn't say so.
> 
> *I just know life for her has gotten a lot harder the couple times we've run into her. She looks like she has aged about 10 years in 2 years, you know what I mean?*
> 
> *She still pines for her husband, too*.


She is getting exactly what she deserves...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

marduk said:


> She kept her job and half custody of her kids, so I wouldn't say so.
> 
> I just know life for her has gotten a lot harder the couple times we've run into her. She looks like she has aged about *10 years in 2 years*, you know what I mean?
> 
> She still pines for her husband, too.


seriously what is that all about lol. Honestly I thought my x wife was once the hottest thing walking the earth. I loved every fiber of her and no woman could turn my head. She cheats and the moment the realization comes we are done she looks like she aged 10 years, disgusting. when I tell people that they look at me like I'm crazy.  They tell me she wears too much makeup and dresses like she still lives in the 80's lol. I can see it now but when I was married that woman was my Helen of Troy


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> seriously what is that all about lol. Honestly I thought my x wife was once the hottest thing walking the earth. I loved every fiber of her and no woman could turn my head. She cheats and the moment the realization comes we are done she looks like she aged 10 years, disgusting. when I tell people that they look at me like I'm crazy. They tell me she wears too much makeup and dresses like she still lives in the 80's lol. I can see it now but when I was married that woman was my Helen of Troy


When someone cheats it tears the veil off your eyes and the stuff you didn't see is crystal clear now...


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Not seeing any remorse from my xw. She continues to try to misinform , and take advantage of me at ever turn. Guess I'm to blame for filing for the divorce. Yes, I filed, but only after discovering years of her cheating and money mismanagement, after a failed, false, reconciliation. 

I recently paid off her car, have been waiting for the title to arrive and sign over to her and cancel my insurance for it. The DMV mailed the title to her. She never told me about it. Why they sent it to her when the address on it is still my home, is anybody's guess. After 6 weeks and no title I went looking for it. Thats when I found out they sent it to her, and never made any mention of it. I continued paying insurance for it. I would have still been liable if she had an accident or hurt somebody else. I have informed her that I know she has it, and need to sign it over to her. Guess if she still continues to dodge me, may have to get my attorney involved. Hope I can bill the services to XW. She does stuff like this all the time. Continues to manipulate our youngest son. It really is a case of she didnt want me, but, wanted me to somehow take care of her. All the while, not wanting anybody else to have me as well. 

No remorse here! Guess she still hasn't hit rock bottom.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> When someone cheats it tears the veil off your eyes and the stuff you didn't see is crystal clear now...


So true. My ex looks like he's 100 years old to me lately. But it isn't just me - neighbors and friends say "He's aged," too. He had everyone fooled.

He actually finally expressed some seemingly real remorse to me a couple months ago, when his Dad, who has since passed away, was suddenly very ill and going downhill. I was very helpful and supportive of him and his family, and he was shocked to realize what a caring person I am. Something he apparently never really saw, either.

He broke down to me, saying I was a wonderful person and didn't deserve any of the terrible things he had done and said to me, and he'd regret for the rest of his life the way he "went about things." 

Yet he carried on with the divorce, says he's still involved with the OW who currently lives in another state, and plans to move her down here by the end of the year.

So what does he regret, really? Being caught. People knowing what he really is. Destroying his not-so-unhappy family life. I don't think he lies awake at night regretting hurting or losing me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> So true. My ex looks like he's 100 years old to me lately. But it isn't just me - neighbors and friends say "He's aged," too. He had everyone fooled.
> 
> He actually finally expressed some seemingly real remorse to me a couple months ago, when his Dad, who has since passed away, was suddenly very ill and going downhill. I was very helpful and supportive of him and his family, and he was shocked to realize what a caring person I am. Something he apparently never really saw, either.
> 
> ...


Any man who abandons his family is a punk...IMO


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, My XWW has shown remorse of sorts... for the life style she doesn't have anymore. Once her POSOM threw her under the bus to hang on to his wife and she had to start working to support herself, well that has been an unpleasant experience. 

Maybe she'll find another husband so she can stay home again and complain about not being able to join a country club, but she won't be my problem ever again.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My ww ex told me that she had no remorse as she felt truly in love with the POSOM.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Nomorebeans said:
> 
> 
> > So true. My ex looks like he's 100 years old to me lately. But it isn't just me - neighbors and friends say "He's aged," too. He had everyone fooled.
> ...


Any woman who abandons her family is at least as much a punk.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> My ww ex told me that she had no remorse as she felt truly in love with the POSOM.


Yeah, this is what I got soon after dday and hence the reason I filed. She made the decision easier for me at the time, though it was still the hardest thing I've ever been through, except for the death of my son.

I guess that's the difference for this thread. It isn't about fww who are trying to R or attempted it. It's more regarding exws. 

Good input from everyone, and I thank you


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Truthseeker1 said:
> 
> 
> > Nomorebeans said:
> ...


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