# He's too soft for me...



## ApprehensiveBeauty (Aug 24, 2013)

I am struggling with some major issues I have been having with my husband for the past few months. My topic title may suggest sexual problems but that is not what this particular problem is. My husband and I have recently wed. We had a courthouse wedding before our actual ceremony because he is military. Only a couple of friends know that we are married, family and everyone else still thinks we are just engaged and planning the wedding. We're going to have a ceremony/reception in a few months. I suppose I should give the run down of what sparked this issue so many months back: 

Key players to alleviate confusion: Husband, H (husbands friend that I get along with), R (H's supposedly gay friend), and A (my friend from out of state)

'A' came to stay with us as he was thinking about relocating to the area. The whole situation was extremely stressful. My friend was having a lot of problems at the time. I had to work one night and asked my husband to take him out with some of his friends so my friend could get out, have a good time, and meet some new people. My husband has a few friends in the area that he and A went out with the night I was working. They had been drinking and were kind of tipsy when I got off work to meet up with them. My husbands friend 'H' brought one of his friends 'R.' This is getting crazy with the letters isn't it? Soon enough you'll be glad I did it this way so you know what the heck I'm talking about. Anyway, R is another guy but is supposedly gay. As the story progresses you will see why I say "supposedly." I had only met R one other time so I didn't know him that well. We head to a bar where R proceeds to chase me around the bar, grinding up on me, touching me, and basically making me feel uncomfortable. The touching was excessive, he went as far as putting his hands on my inner thigh and grinding his junk on me. Now, I can handle myself. Let this be known.. I will go off on someone in a heart beat but this situation was a little tricky as I am good friends with H as well and this was his friend. I didn't want them thinking I was being a b**** or stirring up drama. When it comes to my husband the only thing I ever worry about is making him look bad, I mean he is in the military so I have tried to act more reserved. So initially I tried to just avoid R. I tried everything from standing on the other side of the group, going to the bathroom for long periods of time, or just all out trying to casually step away when he would come near me. He just kept chasing me around. So finally I told my husband the situation. He stands there.. orders another drink, and does nothing about it. So I tell him I am going home. I have not caused a scene or said anything other than that, I tell him to come outside to talk to me a moment in my car before I leave. I asked him what he was thinking, I mean was he truly ok with other men rubbing up on me like this? And was this the way he was going to respond if something like this ever were to happen again? I mean I guess its ok for random men to touch me inappropriately and especially in front of him! He basically made me out to be the a**hole and jumped out of my car and went back inside the bar. At this point I was irate. I left. When he got home we got into a massive argument. Trust me, it was not pretty. After things have died down he tells me that he doesn't remember seeing R all up on me nor does he remember me saying anything to him about it. Hmmm, ok. You were drinking. That's somewhat of an excuse I guess. Either way the matter was never fully resolved. Over the past few days we had a similar argument about something that had to do with him not having my back like he should. I mean come on! We knew a guy that was ready to punch his own friend out because the guy upset his wife. Yes, that is a bit overboard but at least he had his wifes back right? So this similar issue stirred up this conversation again which resulted in him telling me that he has never been the kind of guy looking for fights and doesn't feel that he needs to step in basically. He also tells me that he isn't as emotional as I am, he doesn't get as angry as I do. Which is true I am way more emotional but hey.. I'm a woman. I have thought about this a lot, so much that I am pretty disgusted with him and honestly haven't spoken to him in a few days. This issue has trickled into our sex life. I am completely turned off by him because of this. Who wants to have sex with an unemotional push over? I have these horrible angry thoughts about him because I am so disappointed and disgusted with him. I mean truly.. I just want to yell at him and tell him he is a p*ssy! I know that's childish but I am being completely honest here. What do I feel...

I feel like I made a mistake in marrying someone that doesn't care enough about their spouse to have their back. That it was a mistake to marry someone who is ok with people disrespecting his wife, I mean to me it's like he is even ok with people disrespecting HIM. This guy was all over me in front of him and he did nothing? I mean claiming to be drunk and just "not see things" only goes so far. If anyone, male or female disrespected him in any way I would scratch their eyes out!

I don't know what to do. I really don't. You know... People say you knew what you were getting into when you marry someone but I honestly don't believe that to be true. People are full of surprises and until that certain situation arises that you may not have ever encountered while you were dating, you won't know how they will react. It's certainly not something that you discuss during a date either. I mean why would you? I guess a lot of people would just assume that their significant other would have their back and cares enough to "step up" when they need to.

I don't really know what to do. This isn't something that is just going to go away either. We looked into counseling but won't be able to get in to see anyone due to insurance issues so.. I love him more than anything and aside from this I truly feel that that he is great for me, but for me... This is a pretty big problem.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married people + bars + booze + opposite sex friends = recipe for disaster.

I think you are both wrong.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

ApprehensiveBeauty said:


> I love him more than anything and aside from this I truly feel that that he is great for me, but for me... This is a pretty big problem.


I guess you could spend the next thirty years trying to avoid situations like this, hiding out in the bathroom and standing on the other side of the bar from "R".

Or you could try to talk to your husband when you are not angry and simply explain to him that you are not him, your experiences are not the same as his, and that you want him to step in when you need him. Seeing as how he is not "naturally" just the way you want him to be you might want to come up with a code word you can use and an acceptable action that he should take.

When R's behavior became unacceptable why didn't you just go and "glue" yourself to your husband's side? That alone should have made R back off. I am sure that you can handle yourself, but next time a good punch to the head or a knee to the groin would not be unacceptable - in my opinion.

Anyways, don't be so dramatic about this. You go from saying he's everything to saying that you have made the biggest mistake of your life. Granted, your hubby needs to put on a bigger pair of balls, but I think you can work this out between the two of you.


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## ApprehensiveBeauty (Aug 24, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Married people + bars + booze + opposite sex friends = recipe for disaster.
> 
> I think you are both wrong.


Us having friends and the fact that we go out makes us both wrong? I don't really understand that.



sparkyjim said:


> I guess you could spend the next thirty years trying to avoid situations like this, hiding out in the bathroom and standing on the other side of the bar from "R".
> 
> Or you could try to talk to your husband when you are not angry and simply explain to him that you are not him, your experiences are not the same as his, and that you want him to step in when you need him. Seeing as how he is not "naturally" just the way you want him to be you might want to come up with a code word you can use and an acceptable action that he should take.
> 
> ...


I have tried to talk to him about it. Which didn't help as a similar situation arose and that was the answer he gave "I am not naturally that way." That pretty much leaves it as still an issue. As I have gotten older I have tried to restrain myself more especially since he is in the military, I am afraid of making him look bad so in a lot of ways I have changed into someone that doesn't handle things the way she used to. And as far as simply standing next to him the entire time, that's pretty much what I tried to do which left me more baffled as to why it didn't bother him that this guy was all up on me right in front of him. I know that continuing to talk it out is the best way to fix the issue but it feels like when we try to we just go in circles with him telling me "he's not that type of person." I'm just not sure what to do with that, because to me your spouse should have your back whether you are an aggressive person or not... Maybe I am wrong for thinking that way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This story is just so odd. What kind of idiot man would grind all over you in front of your husband?

I'm old btw so my bar days are long gone.

So now you know your husband isn't going to start a bar fight so its up to you.

These bars have bouncers?


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## ApprehensiveBeauty (Aug 24, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> This story is just so odd. What kind of idiot man would grind all over you in front of your husband?
> 
> I'm old btw so my bar days are long gone.
> 
> ...


LoL Yes it is odd... I thought the same thing as it was happening. I didn't want him to start a brawl though. Honestly him just casually telling the guy hey.. you're crossing the line would have been fine. The guy was a friend of a friend though which is why I didn't just punch him in the face along with the fact that like said I have tried to tone it down as I have gotten older and he is in the military. Idk... This is what started the whole issue. Bottom line is that I think my husband is too much of a softy push over for me. I think... Or let me rephrase that... Don't feel like he is in my corner like he should be and it kind of worries me if something were to happen... Something serious... Would he just sit there and let it? This isn't the only scenario when I've felt that he doesn't have my back either this is just what brought it all to light.


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## reikichik (Aug 24, 2013)

I know exactly how that is, one of my dh's fraternity brothers got very handsy with me a few times, to the point that it really upset me and I ended up kneeing him in the junk myself because dh just wouldn't do anything about it. You gotta stand up for yourself when your husband wont.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wouldn't be the first gay man who pretends to come on to women just for a laugh. But it's never funny.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

You might want to start probing to see if your hubby has cuckold fantasies. If not then you're going to have to be the one to start the fight, assuming you think he'll join in once it's going. Either that or go find a bouncer and let him know the problem, most bouncers would be delighted to see how far they could make a guy like that bounce when they throw him out.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ApprehensiveBeauty said:


> LoL Yes it is odd... I thought the same thing as it was happening. I didn't want him to start a brawl though.


Maybe you should have started grinding against him as well. Possibly that would get a reaction from your husband??

Of course, there's also the possibility that he gets turned on my seeing some other man all over his wife.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I agree, if I was your husband, I would have said something to the harasser. If the harasser didn't back down, what would you expect your husband to do then?

That said, the combination of being under the influence, your wife telling you somebody's harassing her and demanding you do something about it, and another guy who decides to not back down - things can quickly spiral out of control.

I got into my share of scrapes in bars when I was a young man. I'm lucky nobody ever got seriously hurt or killed and that I never wound up in jail.

If somebody's bothering you, you tell him to stop. If he doesn't stop, you could tell the bouncers, the manager, the police, or just leave. It's easier for a woman to do one of these things than a guy. A man feels the need to protect his woman, so if the harasser doesn't back down, the man is not likely to walk away from the harasser, tell the bouncers about it, etc., - there is going to be a fight. Then, who knows? Does someone get killed or irreversibly injured? Being drunk in public is not a good state to be in. Nothing good ever comes of being drunk, with a bunch of drunks, in a bar. Best to avoid that scene.

If possible avoid these people in the future.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

ApprehensiveBeauty said:


> the answer he gave "I am not naturally that way."


you know what? I am going to call BS on this...

He is in the MILITARY...

He has the country's back - he can't have yours too?

The next time this comes up and he claims this as an excuse, smile and say, "I know you are not naturally this way. That is why I am asking you to do this for me..."

You know - it doesn't take a violent confrontation to get someone to back down. And yes - the next time - if he fails to do something, you SHOULD go to the bouncer or someone else who is working at the bar and get them to intervene...

You have as much right as anyone else to enjoy an evening out.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I can understand why you're upset. Women like to feel like their man can protect them and are willing to step in when another man crosses the line. Especially if it's practically happening right in front of his face. It's possible he doesn't completely get this or how detrimental his lack of action really was. If he won't address or acknowledge it and you two are just talking past each other I'm not really sure what your next move should be unless you feel this is something you just can't get past.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jasel said:


> I can understand why you're upset. Women like to feel like their man can protect them and are willing to step in when another man crosses the line. Especially if it's practically happening right in front of his face. It's possible he doesn't completely get this or how detrimental his lack of action really was. If he won't address or acknowledge it and you two are just talking past each other I'm not really sure what your next move should be unless you feel this is something you just can't get past.


Did the wife make it clear she didn't want those guys pressing up on her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I would have knocked the guy into next week. 

Drinking is not an excuse to get handsy with another guys woman. Actually any woman period.

Is your story a tad creepy? Yeah it is.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I totally get it OP. I've dated several men who were the same way- hanging back instead of stepping up when needed. The reason was always because I could 'take care of myself'. These were hulking, muscular guys who weren't in much danger of being beaten up (though it's not about starting a fight- as the OP stated, all her H would have needed to do is say, 'Hey R, you're crossing the line dude.' 

But he chose to do nothing, even in the face of her clearly communicated distress (which makes me wonder if it's some kind of passive-aggressive reaction to her expectation.)

But of course WE understand that a man having his woman's back (especially his wife) and being protective of her does not mean she is a shrinking violet incapable of handling herself. It simply means that he is a MAN and isn't just going to hide like a frightened turtle and leave everything up to her when a challenge arises.

I married someone who talked a good game in the beginning- I thought he would always stand up for me. The first time he left me to fend for myself was on our honeymoon. The second time I was stranded on the highway late at night. So yes, these things matter in a marriage. 

This seems to be a growing problem- many men seem uncertain of their roles so just become passive. This results in the wife/gf losing desire and respect for them. 

It's not uncommon for gay guys to make a big show of exaggeratedly 'hitting on' (for lack of a better phrase) attractive women- grabbing boobs, grinding etc. It's hyper-sexual behavior designed to gain attention. The scenario the OP described is not an unbelievable one at all. 

(Btw, being an introvert just means you gain energy when alone instead of with groups of people. So many people seem to be confused about that. It's not shyness or social anxiety or any other kind of anxiety. It has nothing to do with this situation at all.)

I'm not sure what advice to give you, OP. Maybe if you start tackling this now you have a chance. Try not to use P-A tactics like not speaking to your H for days- that will just make things worse. Check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your husband should have done whatever needed done.

Otoh, you should have got on top of your husband and told him to get the guy off of you, no hints, screaming and making a scene.

When the the guy touched when you were away from your husband , warn him once and then slap him the next time eith no warning.

In your husbsnds favor, in the cwi forum, if a husband strikes his wifes ap hw will catch hell. Just sayin.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I know I've tried in years past to defend an SO with verbal confrontation and was embarrassed by her display of anger to the point of not wanting to be around her. Yeah, it was that bad.


True, if the OP has a history of making scenes in public/being a drama queen, I can see her H not wanting to go there.

But I've had this same type of scenario happen so often that I just assumed that wasn't the main issue.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ApprehensiveBeauty said:


> My husband and I have recently wed. We had a courthouse wedding before our actual ceremony because he is military.


Big red flag here. A secret wedding "because he is military" makes no sense. 

Marrying him after he proved unconcerned with other men pawing on you makes no sense. 

All of the billowing smoke and confusion with the need for so much irrelevant stuff with code names, whether someone is gay or not, etc. - it is rather like excruciating detail on all of the party dresses people are wearing while a gorilla is loose smashing all the glassware in the room.


You don't know this guy. You had reasons for the secret marriage you haven't divulged. But I am pretty sure they weren't good ones.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> you know what? I am going to call BS on this...
> 
> He is in the MILITARY...
> 
> He has the country's back - he can't have yours too


I'm in the military myself, Army specifically. It's not like the movies. There are a wide variety of personalities, and many service members have personalities that are very non-confrontational. 




Wiserforit said:


> Big red flag here. A secret wedding "because he is military" makes no sense.


I don't think she means they got married secretly. l assume they had a courthouse wedding before their actual ceremony because they she wanted to move with him into family housing, or get benefits, and the actually wedding ceremony was still too far ahead in the future.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I don't think she means they got married secretly. l assume they had a courthouse wedding before their actual ceremony because they she wanted to move with him into family housing, or get benefits, and the actually wedding ceremony was still too far ahead in the future.


Nope. This is what she said:



> family and everyone else still thinks we are just engaged and planning the wedding


By definition, it is a secret.

One of the reasons for engagement instead of hurry-up-and-marry is so that we take that hard look at them knowing marriage is on the line. 

Had she been engaged right now instead of actually married to him, she probably would not marry him. 

It's an absurd position to be in now, where even if you "call off" the wedding, you are still married to them.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Little story of what happened to a close friend of ours:

Friend and wife go out, some guy starts a fight and accidentally pushes friends wife.
Friend punches him.

Guy who was in fight takes him to court.

My friend went to jail for 6 months 

Point being, you never know who you are dealing with in those situations.

I do agree your husband should at least say he is sorry and he wasn't sure how to react or whatever... but count your blessings this didn't go further and next time tell the guy grinding on you off!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you posted, it sounds like you made some moves to avoid this guy. But you did not loudly and clearly tell him to stop it.

Between that and your husband's reaction... I get the impression that your husband feels you were asking for the attention and setting up a situation in which you then wanted him to jump in and fight this guy to prove his love to you.

Since the guy is gay, your husband might see him as no threat and therefore not think it's serious anyway.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Still, I don't think it makes sense for a husband to be so paralyzed by the fear that someone *might possibly* throw a punch that he says nothing when another man is rubbing his 'junk' on his wife.

A grown man, imo, should be capable of diffusing that situation with words and/or simply leaving with his wife without it turning into a full on bar brawl that ends with jail time.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your vows state that you will have each others back

If you are moving around to stay away from the guy trying to grind on you---and spending long times in the RR, and then leaving early---your H---should have awoken, to the fact something was wrong

You are his wife----he should have had your back NO MATTER WHAT---that is part of being married----YOUR PARTNER HAS YOUR BACK

You are probably still in the time frame where you can get an annulment

1st---sit your H, down , and have a deadly serious talk with him, and if he is gonna be a whipped pu**y of a H---then its time for you to cut your loses and get out

Doesn't matter what the situation was---your H, should have had your back


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> From what you posted, it sounds like you made some moves to avoid this guy. But you did not loudly and clearly tell him to stop it.
> 
> Between that and your husband's reaction... I get the impression that your husband feels you were asking for the attention and setting up a situation in which you then wanted him to jump in and fight this guy to prove his love to you.
> 
> Since the guy is gay, your husband might see him as no threat and therefore not think it's serious anyway.


I didn't see it right away, but now I do. This event was a sh!t test.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I didn't see it right away, but now I do. This event was a sh!t test.


They can run this particular sh!t test where it's a complete no-win scenario.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

to all of you who say it was nothing---so let me ask you, if some man/woman was rubbing his/her privates up against your spouses body----WOULD YOU DO NOTHING---and unless her H, was blind, he had to know something was amiss, and weird with his wife's actions

If you do nothing, what kind of a spouse does that make you---IMHO, I wouldn't think much of a spouse who does not stick up for me, in a situation WHERE I AM TRYING TO AVOID CONTACT WITH ANOTHER MAN---no matter what his sexual persuasion is!!!!!!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm from Chicago. They dance like that. If wife is with me and another guy she's dancing with is over doing it, I would allow her to back him off. If he persists, I would come over to help him away from her. Defending our position.

In some dance styles the bodies will touch. But if it's obvious the wife was the recipient of undesired contact in a club environment, the husband should intervene and they allow the guy to know it's not ok, he gotta back off. If he persists, then they defend their space, bringing in management or bouncers if necessary.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bunny23 said:


> Little story of what happened to a close friend of ours:
> 
> Friend and wife go out, some guy starts a fight and accidentally pushes friends wife.
> Friend punches him.
> ...


Never, ever, ever, not defend yourself or your wife for fear of ... anything. The least of which going to jail. If a man does something like this you have every right in the world to physically stop the sexual assault and yes that includes all measures required. If you live in a country or state where this is a problem, move.

Not going to argue someones friend or brother or anything like that. My point is that a man does not live in fear of anything like this. You know what is right and what is wrong. You act. Period. A man should never live in fear of acting and doing whatever it takes. But it is pragmatic, man worth anything would.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

treyvion said:


> I'm from Chicago. They dance like that. If wife is with me and another guy she's dancing with is over doing it, I would allow her to back him off. If he persists, I would come over to help him away from her. Defending our position.
> 
> In some dance styles the bodies will touch. But if it's obvious the wife was the recipient of undesired contact in a club environment, the husband should intervene and they allow the guy to know it's not ok, he gotta back off. If he persists, then they defend their space, bringing in management or bouncers if necessary.


LOL. Twerking wives of Chicago. Wondermous.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If she doesn't like what's happening on the dance floor, but continues to go out on the dance floor anyway, trying to provoke her husband into getting into a fight just to show he's man enough for her, she's **** testing him.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If she doesn't like what's happening on the dance floor, but continues to go out on the dance floor anyway, trying to provoke her husband into getting into a fight just to show he's man enough for her, she's **** testing him.


It's not a good $hit test either, because those "damsels in distress" who get guys fighting, will do it again when they want to be entertained.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

"Secret wedding" in the military is a HUGE thing. I personally know quite a few people who have done it. I didn't but it happens. A lot of times it's a rush wedding to get the wife/spouse on the member's Dependency Page so that they can either move out of the barracks or get more money while deployed. Or if stationed overseas it's a rush wedding and the "real wedding" happens when both members/member and new spouse are back Stateside. The "secret" part is because most of these weddings are very young servicemembers (think 19 to 22) and they're afraid their parents will be upset since often the parents have not met the potential spouse/the member has not been dating the potential spouse very long.

And saying "oh well he's military he should have defended me"...he's a person before he's a servicemember. Sure, the military mainly attracts Type-A, strong personalities, but that doesn't mean more passive personalities don't flourish as well. I promise we don't come straight out of boot camp as Drill Instructors.

Now, as a *husband*, yes, he should have defended her. My husband is as avoidant as they come, but if he catches a whiff of someone being inappropriate around me I can practically see his hackles rise. If, however, OP's husband is really passive, he might have just ignored it. Or he might have figured (since by the OP's admission she didn't do/say anything until this had been going on for a while) that she was okay with it. My husband has done this more than once - "well, yeah, you looked unhappy, but you didn't say anything".

OP, take away this lesson: men don't pick up on nonverbal cues as well as women do. You were nonverbally screaming at him to help you, he didn't pick up the hint. In the future, you have to remember to communicate and tell him AS SOON AS IT HAPPENS "hey, this makes me uncomfortable/I don't like this".

And your husband's "gay" friend? If he's truly a good friend, he'll apologize and not do it again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> you know what? I am going to call BS on this...
> 
> He is in the MILITARY...
> 
> ...


The military is full of pansies and REMFs. Only a small percentage are combat arms and those are fading fast.

OP, the core of marriage since time immemorial is a contract between a man and a woman. The man gets exclusive, frequent sex and children and in exchange, the woman is protected and provided for. Your husband failed to uphold his side of the bargain and you have lost respect for him. What are the rules for annulment?


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