# My relationship could end :S



## javelinpr (Jul 28, 2009)

i really need someone to talk to. im about to finish my actual relationship. Dont get me wrong, i love this girl like my own life but i cant take this anymore and i dont know if this is a huge mistake or just some bums in the road. 

see my gf is still friends with her ex and i hate that. it not just jealousy, its the fact that the guy seems still interested on her. a year ago, when i still havent met her, she had a bad breakup with some other guy. when he knew he started sending her love messages and **** to "make her feel better" one of those read: how i caressed you slowly. or something that would translate to something similar involving her curves and how he used to caress her slowly. i hated that when i first knew of it. it made me believe that once he knew she was alone he attacked. her response: nothing, she ignored him as far as i know and they could have been together because i didnt existed at the time. 

then we met, started dating and one time he called her and they had a long conversation. he also asked a couple things about me. i didnt like that at all but i didnt tell her anything. couple weeks later i took her cell phone and i found that she was talking with the guy and didnt tell me anything. i was furious and we had a BIG fight. she was hiding that from me because she didnt wanted us to have a fight that we still had anyways. 

couple months later another fight for the same thing because the guy keeps texting, fb messaging or calling her weekly and i find it annoying and disrespectful. she says he is her friend. we almost broke up that time. 

we had another fight a month ago because after the previous fight we agreed to ignore him and distance the guy from us. he starts to text and call while i had her phone and i decided to take matters into my own hands and had a long conversation with him. i wanted to beat him up so badly. as bad as that sounds i felt disrespected. i told him to distance himself from us and let us live our life. she was mad with me for a couple days until we made a peace treaty and we had peace. 

couple days ago i kinda smelled something funny brewing and i started telling her to eliminate the guy from facebook and to not answer him again. she proceeded to block him, but still he could call her. today we had another big fight and i dont know if this is it. but i told her that he is making us argue, that she needs to sacrifice a little for our relationship. i asked her to not talk to him again or leave the house and me. 

i know i may be wrong, but i dont trust him and i feel disrespected once again when he ignores what i told him. i really hate this guy and he is destroying our relationship by constantly trying to talk to my gf. what bothers me the most is that my gf is blind and believes he doesnt do anything with bad intentions. i also got really angry with her since SHE started a conversation with him a couple days before i asked her to delete him from our lives. 

she must believe me somehow because she DID block him. i dont think thats enough. i think she must stop contact with the guy completely to avoid to put our relationship in this situations again. 

i was married for 5 years and i know it takes a lot of sacrifice and since the beginning i told her and i did. ive sacrificed anything that had to in order to make things work and i would. i would sacrifice anything to make her happy, ive spent less time with my family in order to have more time with her(not her request but my job schedule sucks) i would do anything for her happiness and since i do i expect the same... but she doesnt think this way. she thinks she doesnt have to sacrifice anything, she keeps wanting to party with her friends, she said she will continue to be friends with him, she says she is not doing anything wrong. 

i cant take this anymore and it makes me unhappy to be this angry, to have all this hate towards that guy and to be arguing with her. besides this couple things we have been very happy, i really love her and while we have the regular couple disagreements we were doing good. I LOVE THIS GIRL and i would do anything for her but keep that guy around. i also find that she kind of agreed with me once she blocked the guy. 

... i dont even know what to ask here, i just want someone to talk to even if the talk means tearing me a new one. sorry for the long post


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

It can be very confusing when a partner wants to hold onto a friendship with an ex. My husband is still friends with at least 2 of his exgf's, maybe still talks to another one or two periodically. I really didn't like that at first but he told me that I do not get to choose his friends, they are his friends and he will talk to them / see them etc if he wants. To be honest, that is fair - I don't ask his permission to be friends with guys and I'm still friends with one of my exbfs too. If my husband told me I couldn't be friends with him, I would probably be upset, but I would do it if that's what he wanted. The thing is, not everyone is like that. He really wants his friends (he sees them as friends, not as exes) in his life, so I have to respect that. I met one of them - the NICEST girl, they broke up something like 10 years ago, and it was obvious when I met her that she sees him ONLY as a friend. The other one - his last gf before me - I haven't met in person but I can tell from Facebook and such that she is still very young and immature and that is making him drift much further away from that friendship - in fact, I don't think they've spoken in around a year.

The reason I wrote all of that is that ... yes, exes can indeed be friends after the relationship ends. My exbf and I are friends - and honestly, truly, I can say that there is ZERO sexual tension or interest there. 

You need to realize that your gf is YOUR girlfriend - she is not with him. She chose to be with you. If she wanted him, she could be with him, but she doesn't. You are the one she goes home with at the end of the day, right?

I used to be jealous as well about my husband's friendships with his exes until I realized: I am the one he is with. 

Now, your gf is in the wrong in keeping secrets from you about this guy. That is making the whole thing upsetting to you, I suppose.  If you can face the conversation I would suggest telling her that you understand that he is her friend, and you want to respect that friendship, but you can't do that if she is not honest with you. She also has to respect that although she thinks of him as a friend, the reality is that he used to be her boyfriend and that cannot change. Out of respect for you, she has to be completely honest with you about him (show you any texts, emails, not talk on the phone with him when you are not around) and if they want to spend time together, you will be going along with them until you feel comfortable. But you are potentially driving away the woman you say you love just because you are becoming so jealous over what may be nothing more than a friendship. 

Most people hate being told whom they can be friends with. The more you harp on it, the more she will want to talk to him - and have reasons to complain about you to him. Try being a little more levelheaded about it. I know what you're feeling - I felt that jealousy too. But when I decided to trust my husband I realized that in fact, they were just buds and nothing more, and now I see that the only thing I was doing was creating disharmony. 

On the other hand, if you really don't trust your gf, your relationship is over anyway.


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## javelinpr (Jul 28, 2009)

my point is, i dont think theres any sexual tension or interest from her but i really think he wants something. judging from the message i said earlier he still thinks of her sexually and it really bothers me. it bothers me that she fails to see that. it bothers me that he could start saying stuff to her and talking about their past and stuff. i know where she is and how she is, i dont know him at all and i dont trust him or his intentions. 

thanks for the reply Omega you are really helpful.

edit: i will try to get her to post her side of the story and see if we can fix this up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Forgive me, but I only skimmed this.

Previous lovers are always a threat to a LTR. Even if the relationship is somewhat one-sided the facty is there is someone waiting for a weak moment from your SO. It only takes an argument and an opportunity. Or it may even be that the EX has someone pass away and needs comforting .... It is not really about trust. It is about a very vulnerable situation. We have to trust that our SO does not put themselves into this situation. If they are not fully committed to the raltionship they keep folks in the wings. These folks also pump up their egos and self esteem while continually being compitation. All in all it does impact your relationship even when things are good.

Married Man Sex Life: Ex-Boyfriends and Sex Rank

"... ex-boyfriends and especially ex-boyfriends that have had sex with your wife, are always going to have a much higher risk of influencing your wife against your interest in her" -- Athol

Married Man Sex Life: The Third Wheel...

" .... The next thing that happens, is the boyfriend will say something to the girlfriend about the situation and ask what the hell is going on, knock it off, yada yada yada. She will always firmly deny any interest in the Third Wheel/Best Friend, plus do some sort of dramatic routine of apologizing or outrage at being questioned, with a declaration of interest in only the boyfriend.

It is in no way over. All the boyfriend-girlfriend conversation does is act as an announcement from the boyfriend to the girlfriend, that the Third Wheel issue is going to be resolved on way... or the other.
The girlfriend will be paying extreme attention to what the boyfriend does about the Third Wheel over the next short time frame. If the boyfriend essentially gets rid of the Third Wheel, then the situation resolves by the girlfriend becoming more interested in the boyfriend. But if the Third Wheel is allowed to continue to maintain constant contact, it's a terrible weakness display. Very likely the girlfriend will signal her interest to the Third Wheel and it's basically over for the boyfriend from then." -- Athol


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

javelinpr said:


> my point is, i dont think theres any sexual tension or interest from her but *i really think he wants something.* judging from the message i said earlier he still thinks of her sexually and it really bothers me. it bothers me that she fails to see that. it bothers me that he could start saying stuff to her and talking about their past and stuff. i know where she is and how she is, i dont know him at all and i dont trust him or his intentions.
> 
> thanks for the reply Omega you are really helpful.
> 
> edit: i will try to get her to post her side of the story and see if we can fix this up.



Yes, he wants in her pants. You are in the way. You should trust him to keep pursuing your GF until she gives in to him.

Whether or not a given woman says that she has ex-BFs and it is ok has nothing to do with your GF and you. Affairs come out of this stuff every single day. You are right to feel the way you do and if you want this relationship to continue in a positive direction you will not accept the disrespect. Now if the EX is more important than you, then you learned something very important.

The fix for this is for her to actually go NC with the EX and realize that in a committed relationship there is no room for this kind of "friend". He is pursuing her. You have to c0ckbl0ck or you are being dominated by him in your GFs eyes. There is really no compromising here either. It is an all or nothing thing. Be the man.


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