# Separation devastating, but realized it's something I needed too.



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Together 15 years, married 9 1/2. Over the past several months to a year, we have had high tensions, but no blow outs or arguments. We never argued, until the past several weeks before our separation. The separation was devastating at first, but over time, my perspective changed. We are in different places in our feelings, but overall, counseling has helped and we still have lots of work to do. 

1. He was questioning his feelings for me over the course of our relationship. We have both rewritten history. But, over time in this separation, he realizes he DID have feelings for me, but he can't remember how those feelings felt (if that makes sense). He still doesn't feel for me. 

2. His main frustration with me is that I lacked love and affection for him. My main frustration with him, as I've dug deep and found through counseling and self reflection, was the major hurt I felt from his emotional absence during times of pregnancies and miscarriages. That was the root of my problems towards him. The mundane frustrations of him forgetting to put the recycling/trash out, not helping more around the house, etc were just surface issues that piled on top of the deeper cuts. 

3. Right now, as I read my 7th and last book (Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson) and have reflected majorly over the past few weeks, I understand what I need. I need to face unresolved issues regarding the way I felt during my miscarriages and pregnancies with him in order to move on. 

We are switching therapists (if he is on board with it, which when we talk about tonight, hopefully he will be). I'm wondering if I'm holding on to some hope of reconciliation because I have unfinished business. I'm wondering if resolving our issues will help me move on emotionally and be able to be ok with going our separate ways because I will have closure, or if it will allow me to feel emotionally safe with him to allow a renewed friendship to blossom where we can slowly move back to becoming a married couple. 

I don't know what his feelings are. I'm not sure he does, but I only know how I feel...

Some recent history. I feel like pregnancy was the turning point for me in our downhill slide. I'm telling this story from my perspective. My husband is not a bad guy. In fact, he was a great husband and he is an AWESOME father, but I feel like we lost our emotional connection and I know I had a major part in it as well. We both just lost track of each other. I just had/have a lot of hurt still. 

Anyway, we had our first child in 2007. He seemed unconcerned with my prenatal visits, missed my 6 month sonogram due to a plumbing emergency in our house. Completely understandable. His thoughts were, does she want me with her or does she want hot water? He chose the latter because of my comfort during pregnancy. Nice enough. I miscarried in 2008. We never talked about it. It was done and over. Got pregnant shortly thereafter, but I probably did it too quickly and didn't give myself a chance to grieve. He missed my 6 month sonogram due to a meeting he couldn't get out of. Had the baby in 2009. Miscarried again in 2010 trying for a 3rd child and this one was much more serious. My first trip to the ER, I was there for 8 hours getting tests done. No cell service and when I finally did have cell service, a text came through "what is going on, I need to go to sleep". That text, though he probably didn't mean it to be uncaring was the clincher for me that he was unconcerned. Anyway, I was told to let the MC happen naturally. Then a week later, I was bleeding out, drove myself to the ER, then due to the amount of blood loss, was admitted overnight for an emergency D & C. We were sad, but then it was never talked about again. Got pregnant again, healthy pregnancy, but again, he was going to miss my sonogram again due to a meeting but I basically begged him to come because it was our last pregnancy and he didn't make it to any of the other ones. If there was something wrong, I wanted him there by my side. 

Anyway, after that 2nd miscarriage, one of the ladies he worked with was pregnant with twins, had complications around 24 weeks, had to be put on bed rest and hospitalized. H asked me advice, would I want a co worker to visit me in the hospital to show support? I said no. So, he got her and her husband a sympathy/get well card and had me read it to make sure it was ok. I was totally hurt by his emotional absence during pregnancies and miscarriages, and it was like a knife in my heart when he could show such caring behavior for a virtual stranger. Visit her and her husband in the hospital? Send them a card?

Had a session with MC Friday and all this came out of me. He said my feelings made sense, he validated me. After our session, we talked for a bit and he seemed surprised that all this still hurt me. I have a problem letting stuff fester. I have a problem showing vulnerability and when I wasn't getting what I needed, the love and caring from him, I shut down and detached. That was not good. 

Loooooong story short, separation helped me figure out what my deeper issues were. I AM still hurt. But I also know it was due in my part from not communicating my feelings, hiding my vulnerabilities, and not letting him in or asking for what I wanted. 

Rambled on enough. But it just feels good to let it all out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you brought all of this up to your husband about your persception of his behavior during your pregnancies?

If so what is his take on it? How does he feel about it?

What do you need to be able to put this behind you?


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Yes, I did bring it up right before we separated, but in a heated argument. We were not communicating well about our issues. I did bring it up during our last session and he validated my feelings, but we didn't get so far as him letting me know where his head was during these times. That's why I want to switch to EFT and get his side of everything. I need to know what his thoughts and feelings were. 

In order to put this behind me, I need to be able to talk it out and understand where he was emotionally in our relationship during our traumas. In getting my emotional issues resolved, I feel like I can open up more and get that safety back with him. Not necessarily ending in continued marriage, but in having a happy, comfortable relationship with him in order to be a more effective parenting team with no reservations or awkwardness. We really need to get to know each other again.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

I am really excited about this EFT. He's happy that I'm excited about it too. He's going to read an article that this new therapist sent me via email about EFT tonight and will begin reading the book tomorrow. It's such an excellent book.


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## KatiezMomma (Nov 17, 2011)

I think this is exactly what started the downfall in my marriage as well. I have PCOS, and it makes it hard to have children but we tried and tried and nothing happened for 4 years so we turned to fertility treatments. The appointments were invasive and extremely hard on me. He came to one of my treatments with the specialist about of 10, always citing work for the reason he couldn't come. Ok, he was the major breadwinner so I let it go. We finally got pregnant with daughter and she was born by C section in 2004. He spent one night out of three at the hospital, leaving me all alone with a new born and healing for surgery. I got out and a week later was back in because of pancreatitis that just about killed me. He came once with her while I was there for a week. Fast forward 3 years, I get pregnant without drugs and we are so happy. At 21 weeks, we get the devastating news the baby passed. I decide to miscarry naturally which happens a week later. I start hemorraging at home and tell him we have to go to the hospital, he is annoyed! We get there and I have to do in for a DNC, I come out to tell him and he is gone! I come out of surgery and recovery and the nurse tells me he is waiting in the car, and to come out when I can. Needless to say, this has all stayed with me over the years. Once I found out about his PA this year, I have spent hours and hours thinking about how we got to this place and I realized, I felt so abandoned every single time I need him to be there for me emotionally that I have been taking it out on him in little ways. He has always had an issue with his emotions, he can't show them correctly or without being anger that he has them. Not sure if its from his upbringing or what but I sure wish he would give MC and IC a chance because I think it would take us back to where we could have been.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

@KatiezMomma

Sounds like you and I have a lot to talk about! I did the same thing. I didn't feel emotionally safe enough to talk to him about it. Then, I ended up just pushing him away even more. When he talks about his feelings, he talks about his "past" anger and frustration at my lack of affection and love, but the commonality among all the books I've read is that anger is just a surface feeling, a protest against detachment fueled by fear and hurt. Could it be that your husband's anger was fueled by fear that he's lost you and felt helpless in those trying moments? This is what I get from all these books, but honestly, I have no idea what my husband "feels". He is starting IC on Monday. He says he feels comfortable right now and has no more anger or frustration. I think he does, but isn't allowing himself to feel them. But again, that's just my take on things and I can't assume to know his feelings. All I know is that he he has no loving feelings for me right now. He loves me as the mother of his children and as someone he's been with for 15 years, but nothing deeper. Honestly, I'm ok with that. Right now, my priority is me and my unresolved issues. And I LOVE that's ok with that, too. I LOVE that he's totally supportive in me figuring out what I need from him and going to a new therapist with him.

I hope that your husband is receptive to MC and IC. I never thought either of us would be, but it has been such a help. It's freeing to be able to articulate feelings that you never knew were deep down in there. PM me if you'd like. I feel like we are in the same boat.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Thank you, Dean. It really and truly helps to get a man's perspective on marriage. Men and women do think really differently.

Yes, he was very focused on work, and because of that, he rose up pretty high in the federal govt ranks in a short amount of time. I am very proud of him for that, but because of his focus on work, that contributed to our lack of connection. He admits he spent more time focused on work rather than investing precious time in our relationship. He became an SES at age 34. Then, this past fall, began a master's program, which led to a further disconnection. I even remember saying when he told me he was accepted into the program that I don't know how we will survive this. He left for work at 5:30 am to read and write on the train into work, then came home around 7 to have a late dinner and put the kids to bed, then off he was again right after to Starbucks where there was WiFi to continue his readings and paper writing. He actually deferred his masters degree due to our separation. There was no affair, as most people have assumed. Just a lack of prioritizing on both of our parts. I don't resent him for working on his masters or working long hours, I resented him for the quality of time we had together when we were together. He had his face in his blackberry all evening and even on vacations. We had an agreement and he stopped that. However, with his new position and more time to think about us, he realized that he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. Not sure if it was because I lacked affection and caring for him in the recent past, but because he had more time to reflect and wondered if he had any feelings for me at all. At one of our first MC sessions, the therapist finally asked why he married me in the first place and he answered "I guess because I had no reason to leave..." Over nine years of marriage and 3 children later, I find this out. I felt betrayed, like our whole marriage was a sham. I know it couldn't have been that way. I remember good times and bad. In our relationship, I have fallen out of love and back in a few times. But I know that it takes work. Just wonder if he knows it takes work and wonder if he wants it to work as a marriage rather than a friendship. 

I feel like I have grown tremendously in this short amount of time. In the grand scheme of things, 2 1/2 - 3 months is a blip in time. I do have my downs. In fact, I just hit a low point yesterday. Cried all afternoon, cried when I put the boys down to bed, but feel much better today. 

I'm glad that you have had success in reconciliation. Very happy for you indeed. I hope that our relationship ends the same way, but I really can only focus on me and the here and now. I do have hope for this new therapy. I hope that I can grow and heal more and feel more emotionally safe with him and I hope he will eventually feel the same with me. It really does hurt to hear that he has no feelings for me, but I hope he can find it in himself to feel what he felt for me before it all disappeared. 

Thank you again. I really need the support.


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