# Worried about lack of jealousy from my wife



## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)

But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women. 

I have a 31 year old female friend I see at parties, meetups, dinners, etc. Sometimes at hiking trips. My wife knows this girl and likes her. The girl is attractive and has a very interesting personality. She is also very single.

I sometimes go to parties by myself and get a hotel room so I don't have to drive home--the girl is almost always at those parties. Most of the meetups don't involve my wife.

But my wife has never once raised an objection to this, or has even commented on it.

This girl frequently messages me during the day, posts things to my FB, etc. We joke around, share stories, etc. Nothing inappropriate, but still ... wife pays no attention.

A few weekends ago, I was at an event in the city with my wife, and we got a hotel room. This girl had a room in the same hotel, and we hung out with her and others. When we got back from the party, we ended up in her room and were talking about her love-life (or lack thereof). My wife went back to our room, but I stayed in the girl's room and talked with her for a couple more hours at least. Right when I realized that this didn't look good, I get a message from my wife asking me not to turn on the light when I get back to the room and wake her up. I was like "shi* I'm in trouble"

So I head back to the room, climb into bed, and tell her "I swear nothing happened", and she simply replied "I didn't think that, just didn't want to be woken up"

so here is the thing: she has shown absolutely ZERO jealousy or territorial behavior in regards to me and this girl (or anyone else). Hasn't gone through my phone, my PC, checked up on me, --nothing. Hasn't even said "hey, be careful not to get to close to that girl" or "are you sure that is a good idea"? 

I would not have been cool with my wife hanging out in a hotel room with a drunk guy at 2am. That would have been a fight, and I expected one. I was shocked when it didn't happen.

I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You should be worried because it appears you are heading down a slippery slope with this woman. It also seems like you are going out of your way to make your wife jealous. You appear to already be having an inappropriate emotional affair with this woman while trying to rub it in your wife's face. You need to work on yourself, your inappropriate boundaries, and show your wife a lot more respect than you are doing now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.

It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.

Let's explore your personal boundaries or lack thereof, for a married person to put oneself into circumstances that do quite frankly give a solid image of impropriety in multiple environments. 

Do you have a good physical relationship with your W? Not being nosy but many issues include this important component. 

Do you want her to mistrust you? It seems you're trying to see how far you can go.

This may or may not be a response you expected to your inquiry.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Manny1400 said:


> I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)
> 
> But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.
> 
> ...


Look at me Mom! No hands!
Your wife is probably too nice a woman to tell you how pathetic you look. Sniffing around a girl who’s young enough to be your daughter, and by the sound of things if you got any encouragement you would take things further. 
You do realize that you’re probably a laughing stock amongst your acquaintances who know about you and this girl? 
Grow ****ing up!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What Andy said. And please...for the love of all that is holy...don't ''rate'' yourself. That's something teens and single guys in their 20's do. 

I'd seek counseling for what is truly bothering you. It's not your wife's lack of jealousy, it's that you are empty and unfulfilled, and seeking to fill the void with something that will cost you everything that matters most. Be careful.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way

you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?

I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Perhaps she trusts you. Most likely she's put it on you; if you fool around it's on you, not her, which is right for her to do.
> 
> It sounds like she is confident of herself and her relationship with her H. Which is also right for her to be.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have pretty regular sex and are very affectionate with each other. Our marriage is strong.

So yes, I'm sure she is confident, but zero jealousy?

I have endeavored to be more conscious of the signals I am sending in regards to this women, and to be a lot more professional about the situation. I haven't cheated, and it kind of bothers m that the first responses in the forum here basically consist of people calling me a scumbag for chasing after another woman. That isn't the situation and it wasn't the purpose of my question


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Manny1400 said:


> I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.


Until you do. Because you had one too many. Because you're emotionally entangled. Because you'll want to "give her something to be jealous about". 

Maybe you don't realize how bad you look here from the cheap seats.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you wouldn't be cool with your wife doing it why are you doing it?

Some people don't wish to be the marriage police, which is what happens when jealousy enters into things. She may feel that when it gets to that point its over.

Think carefully about whether you're willing to risk it for a piece of trash that carries on with married men.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Manny1400 said:


> And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way
> 
> you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?
> 
> I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.


This would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic. 
You have a vision of yourself that I’m not sure anyone else shares.
You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old who’s just discovered tinder. 
I appreciate you saying I’m perfect, it’s sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, I’ve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. I’m married now and I don’t feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else. 
And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Manny1400 said:


> And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way
> 
> you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?
> 
> I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.


Why do you want your wife to be jealous? Where did you learn that jealousy = love? It doesn't. Actually, it's the opposite. Jealousy isn't healthy, really. I think you're seeking something to fulfill you...to fill a void in you. If your wife is jealous, that will translate to you perhaps as ''she loves me.'' But, even if your wife were to display jealousy, you'd likely look for something else, because the problem lies within you. Self actualization can be both scary and awesome, at the same time 

That's not me chastising you, that's me trying to help you see what maybe you can't, right now. We all struggle with different things, and are flawed.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> This would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.
> You have a vision of yourself that I’m not sure anyone else shares.
> You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old who’s just discovered tinder.
> I appreciate you saying I’m perfect, it’s sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, I’ve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. I’m married now and I don’t feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
> And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.


Andy is perfect in every way. :grin2:

Jk! I had to.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Andy is perfect in every way.


Fixed that for you. >


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Manny1400 said:


> I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)
> 
> But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. * As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time.* I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.
> 
> ...


There's many reasons why your wife may not be jealous. She's very confident in herself and/or the relationship. She's very trusting. She doesn't care about you enough to feel jealousy. Or, if you're seriously financially well off, she knows she'll get a big pay day if you step out of line. 

I am more worried by your bold statement above. You're in a self described mid life crisis where you are behaving in a hazardous manner. I'm not suggesting you give up spending time with friends but partying in the city with friends and getting hotel room to avoid having to drive home is just asking for trouble.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Manny1400 said:


> And I'm sure Andy has never been tempted in his life, has always done the honorable thing, and is perfect in every way
> 
> you do realize the purpose of this forum is to give meaningful advice, and not simply to signal to others and chastise yes?
> 
> I fully realize that I overstepped my bounds and did apologize to my wife for the bad optics. Likewise, I never did anything inappropriate with this girl, and won't.


Becoming defensive is not serving your overall purpose.

While I admit that some of us come across rather strong (myself included), please understand that everyone expresses themselves differently and we are all here because we truly want to help. Some do it by challenging you. Some do it by calling you out. Some are more subtle. Respect all opinions (unless of course they are totally batsh*t crazy..lol)

Now I got that rant out of the way, please don't get upset because your wife doesn't get jealous. I've been married to a man who is exactly the same for 28 years. At one point I thought that he must not care about me if he doesn't get jealous. I have male friends that I lunch with, old school chums I keep up with by email. I keep him informed but he never pries. Perhaps you think that she doesn't care. Just test that theory and watch what happens. Better yet, don't.

Let me tell you what it really is (based on what I've learned). She is confident in herself. Confident in you. Confident in your marriage. There are posters here who would LOVE to have the kind of wife that you have.

As someone else put it, you are seeking external validation for some reason. Please seek an answer for your own peace of mind. Do you feel unloved? Undesired? Bored? Have you talked to your wife about this? Doesn't she deserve to know given your years together?

And please, stop putting yourself into these dangerous yes, DANGEROUS situations. All it takes is the right words, a little too much alcohol and you have thrown away EVERYTHING that you hold dear. Read up on some who have made that mistake or worse yet, had it done to them. It's ruinous for the cheated on spouse.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> Why do you want your wife to be jealous? Where did you learn that jealousy = love? It doesn't. Actually, it's the opposite. Jealousy isn't healthy, really. I think you're seeking something to fulfill you...to fill a void in you. If your wife is jealous, that will translate to you perhaps as ''she loves me.'' But, even if your wife were to display jealousy, you'd likely look for something else, because the problem lies within you. Self actualization can be both scary and awesome, at the same time
> 
> That's not me chastising you, that's me trying to help you see what maybe you can't, right now. We all struggle with different things, and are flawed.


Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.

Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.

People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There is something weird going on with both of you?

At first, I wanted to tell you to enjoy it because Mrs. Conan has occasionally been pissed off at fresh waitresses but, as your story progressed, I got the feeling something unhealthy was happening on both sides.

You don't appear to have healthy boundaries and she doesn't seem to care.

Maybe you should talk to her about it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Andy is perfect in every way. :grin2:
> 
> Jk! I had to.


I'd date him.:wink2::grin2:


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I'd date him.:wink2::grin2:




I’d film it 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’d film it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Perv!>


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Perv!>




*raises hand*


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> This would be laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic.
> You have a vision of yourself that I’m not sure anyone else shares.
> You are almost fifty years old and you are bragging about yourself like an eighteen year old who’s just discovered tinder.
> I appreciate you saying I’m perfect, it’s sounds better than having to say it myself. But no, I’ve never been tempted. I got my sexual shenanigans out of my system when I was single. I’m married now and I don’t feel the need to try and make my wife jealous by flirting with someone else.
> And I have enough respect for my wife and myself not to get myself into situations like you described.


a) You need to stop White-Knighting while trying to win brownie points from anonymous online women by ridiculing people looking for advice on this forum. That is the only pathetic thing here. You don't make the rules on this forum.
b) You need to stop taking my words out of context and making shi* up. The girl in question is 15 years younger than me, not some 17 year old. Likewise, I have not cheated in any way, or even touched this girl, so stop trying to suggest I have.

Now that is out of the way, maybe we can have a respectful conversation.

Do I respect my wife? Absolutely. Love her too. And my involvement with this female friend was not some effort to make my wife jealous. Things got a bit dodgy, there were some bad optics, I put the breaks on and apologized to my wife. I have always been 100% honest with her.

But none of that had anything to do with the original question, which had to do with the complex nature of jealousy in a marital relationship.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

JustTheWife said:


> Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.
> 
> Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.
> 
> People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.


Thank you for an insightful answer.

My tone only became an issue after I was attacked.

If everyone here were in a perfect marriage with zero issues, there wouldn't be any need to have a forum.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Manny1400 said:


> I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried


You're creating a problem where none exists. She's not jealous. Jealousy isn't healthy, and you are wanting her to show unhealthy attitudes. Perhaps she feels that she's just dump your sorry ass if you transgress her boundaries, whatever they are. Besides, it's YOUR responsibility to respect the boundaries you'd want for both her and yourself. So, you are the problem here, not her.

Also, my wife isn't jealous. I can (and do) hang out with women friends, quite often. My wife is always welcome but seldom comes along. I even have her permission to have sex with any of my female friends who'd want me (that hasn't happened very often, believe me!), and she'd just say, "Have a fun time, honey!" I have a few insecurities, but feel the same way when she hangs out with her male friends (which she does, just not as often).


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Manny1400 said:


> I can't understand this at all. I read an article online that said "If your partner is never jealous, you should be worried" --and I'm getting a bit worried


Sounds like a stupid article to me. The internet is full of them.

What will it take to make your wife jealous? What will it take to make a bear mad? In either case, you don't want to find out.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What do you want your wife to do? How would you want her to express jealousy? Most ways I can think of are stressful and unpleasant. 

At the hotel, sounds like you deliberately were baiting her--seeing if you could get her angry ("Oh ****, I'm in trouble.") Is it possible you are more of an extrovert and enjoy partying more than your wife?

Is she advocating a 'retirement-type' life? Seems to me there is a lot of space between party animal and retirement adventures. Is she by now used to your 'single-life' persona?

Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?

IMO: you enjoy the attention of the single girl or you would not waste the time of both of y'all. I think it would have been respectful if you had returned to your room with your wife and had a nice romantic ending. Maybe, her text was to tell you she was no longer interested, tired of waiting and gonna go to sleep. On that note, I think you might want to curtail frequent daily texts with single girl---would you want your wife to do this?

I have no way of knowing what you do with the rest of your life. Do you support your kids and their activities? Do you and wife have frequent date nights? Activities/interests together? Volunteer, community supporters? Are you a strong dad and husband along with your unfulfilled need to play? Not saying you are immature, but maybe slow in letting go of your youth.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My ex-wife was never the jealous type either. Being self-employed, I've gone to many mixers over the years, Many years ago, she would tag along, but she lost interest in these events over the years. I am also in an industry dominated by women with weird hours and yet she never seemed jealous with that. We did talk about it a few times here and there and she just said I never gave her a reason to be jealous. My job also would take me out of town overnight with women.. when I came home, I almost felt like I cheated.


My situation was different. Although my wife and I had occasional sex, it was more out of obligation. I don't think we had any affection or intimacy at all. She just wasn't the affectionate type. 



If you have a happy sex life with intimacy, you have no reason for concern. I know it was really good for my ego to have the attention from women, but I am happy it didn't lead to anything. My ex and I treat each other better than when we were married because I didn't cross that line.


I think you are pretty close to that line. Trust me... Divorce sucks


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Whatever you would feel jealous of if your wife did it, don't do it yourself. I have pretty strong boundaries with the opposite sex, the things you do are way over that boundary. 
I have no idea why your wife doesn't seem bothered, especially as in many ways you are acting as if you are single, but she clearly doesn't.
The main issue here is your completely inappropriate behaviour with the other woman, and your social life generally. 
My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I am pretty sure he would recognise that what is going on here is completely inappropriate behaviour on your part.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Sounds like you are playing with fire 🔥 Perhaps she is worried and seeing the (emotional affair)situation you’ve created and is choosing to ignore it (for now)? Is she a confrontational type?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Ahhh... the midlife crisis....I had mine when I was 34 and it lasted 10 years. Hmmm...boredom maybe? Maybe you are delighted and intrigued with this younger woman because of what she represents?, Read how you are explaining her, she seems very tempting, doesnt she?

The problem isn't that your wife doesn't show jealousy, the problem is somewhere inside you and you for some reason are taking notice of things in your marriage that might be lacking. Have you spoken with her regarding your feelings? This would be the wise thing to do as you may be surprised at what she has to say. You really should stop and curtail your interactions with this other woman if you truly do love your wife. Talk to her, tell her how you feel, ask questions, engage her in conversation over the subject.

I am writing from experience, I am about your age and I still struggle with the mid life crisis, it's not my wifes fault. I dont like aging and I am an adrenaline junkie. I also happen to be married to a younger woman who is much more reserved and content with life than I am, but it's good, it grounds me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Do you consider all the time, effort, interest in the single girl worth it? What about her is so enticing? What would she label y'all's relationship?


I would be careful about fooling around with younger women. She has nothing to lose like you do. The attraction isn't there. There is no longer the economic imperative like in the olden days that made older men more attractive to younger women.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her. 

It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

JustTheWife said:


> Jealousy is not always unhealthy. In fact, it's a very natural emotion. And perfectly healthy if not out of control. The OP is concerned about the absence of jealousy which does not mean the same thing as "jealousy means she loves me". Since it's a normal emotional reaction to someone getting closer to your mate, the absence jealousy for this can naturally raise concerns.
> 
> Nothing to do with jealousy but if your spouse tells you they are going away for three weeks, it's natural to expect them to express some kind of disappointment and other emotional reaction to you being away. if they simply say "OK" and walk away, that's going to raise some concerns. It might be nice at times to have a relaxed spouse that doesn't get all excited over that kind of thing but it can be odd to not see any emotional reaction over this.
> 
> *People may not like the OP's tone and some things he said but I can totally understand the concern.*


Or it's simply an excuse to cover for his own behavior. I mean the guy said it himself. He's doing things he would be very upset with if it was his wife doing those exact same things. Why does the conversation have to go much further than that being wrong... in so many ways? He knows what he's doing is inappropriate, but just keeps at it until... what? Is he daring his wife to say stop? And if she doesn't, is that permission to continue? Testing her limits?

I think that's an entirely different thing than wondering why his wife seems to not care about what he's up to. That seems to be a given. His response is just simply wrong.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Manny1400 said:


> Things got a bit dodgy, there were some bad optics, I put the breaks on and apologized to my wife.


Care to elaborate? Or are you talking about the hotel room incident already discussed here? Or is this something different?

"I put the breaks on" tells me this woman friend of yours is DTF? Did I get that right?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife may not want to insult you by displaying jealousy. Your wife may have grown tired of you wanting to party like it's 1999. Whatever she is thinking or feeling, you won't know unless you ask her.
> 
> It sounds like you're in a rut and are using the parties to fill a void. Think about what would really add value to your life and make it more interesting for you.


Maybe in the wife's mind the relationship is already finished. Before it became obvious that our marriage had collapsed, my exH was agreeing with me about everything including some long running differences. 

Your wife may not be as content as her behavior may suggest.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> Care to elaborate? Or are you talking about the hotel room incident already discussed here? Or is this something different?
> 
> "I put the breaks on" tells me this woman friend of yours is DTF? Did I get that right?


A never married , no kids 31 year old ....... I bet she's looking for a baby. You'll be paying child support at a time when she's blocking you from having visitation.

As long as you're hanging with this woman at meetup activities, you are cockblocking other guys who have been interested in.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

This may just be your wife's personality. 

My now-ex-husband was a bit of a party animal. He also always had lots of pretty female friends he was openly flirty with. And the habit of living his life like a single man. When I'm hurt, angry, jealous, or simply feel gravely disrespected, I don't lash out. I withdraw. To protect myself, but also to give myself time to really analyze the situation and figure out if my feelings are rational given the factual information or whether I'm over-reacting. 

But I'm also the type that if you ask me to choose between you and my self-respect, I'll pick me. Every. Time. Which means I don't police my guy. I don't try make him behave or respect my boundaries with jealous or controlling behavior. And I also don't have any interest in being with a man who just isn't very interested in respecting me, my boundaries, or our relationship. We can have a conversation or a discussion about expectations. But I won't "fight" for a man who is clearly interested in being elsewhere. If he doesn't want to be with me then he's free to go. I absolutely will _not_ be put in the role of scolding mommy to a rebellious teen who's wildly testing the boundaries. To anyone who sees a hot temper, jealous behavior, or fiery arguments as signals of passion and intense love, that reaction can appear cold and disinterested. In reality, it's just an intense, and hard-won, self-respect. I really am too proud to beg - especially for things that should be part and parcel of a healthy relationship to begin with. 

OP, it's entirely possible that your wife is hurt by your behavior but has zero interest in playing the jealous shrew. She may also feel that she's above doing the "pick me" dance for her own husband while he's clearly distracted by his little friend.

Keep up the exceptionally poor boundaries, and you may one day find that your wife is no longer waiting at home for you to finish playing at being single. And you'll probably be baffled by her leaving. Because 'she never said she was unhappy'....:slap:

Ask yourself some questions: Should your wife_ have _to tell you she's unhappy with this level of disrespect and your crappy boundaries? Why is that _her_ job? Is she your mom? Or the marriage police? Why do you need or want her to make you behave yourself?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Like others have said, you're playing with fire with the young gal. You know you are.... but she makes you feel good. Her energy and youth are addictive.

Then you have the double-whammy of a wife basically giving you the vibes of, "Oh, you wanna hang out with the bimbo? Go ahead, casanova. Knock yourself out."

Good for her. Shows she has confidence in herself, and frankly, she's above playing your games. If you were to take another step over the line with the young gal, she would probably quietly serve you with divorce papers, take half of everything, and coldly leave you to your newly-found party life. Everyone would probably applaud her for it, too.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Rather than pile on I'll try to give you something new to do/think about:

1 - IMO, your wife's lack of jealousy is a function of her past life experience, self confidence and strong moral code/core values that she projects onto you (plus you've never done anything to indicate that she can't trust you). In your wife's mind, you two are a team (her safe place) that is above adultery. 

Note, your wife's self confidence and trust in you (i.e., lack of jealousy) is not an indicator that she would not be devastated if you had an affair. It's probably just the opposite and would permanently damage her. 

2 - Boundaries protect a marriage in our unanticipated most vulnerable moments. We all tend to think we're unique but we're not. There's solid research evidence that the great majority of adulterers never thought they were capable of cheating and did not go looking for an affair. 

For your own education I suggest you read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's an easy short read, based on studies of couples that experienced infidelity. IMO all couples should read this book. You can pick it up used on Amazon.

I think you'll find that boundaries are more than just something that your spouse imposes when they are jealous - rather boundaries are 'walls' that every spouse should utilize in order to protect their marriage (including both husband & wife, kids, grandparents ....).

3 - Finally, in an effort to further discuss your wife's lack of jealousy, consider asking your wife to read this book and then (over a bottle of wine) discussing how it would apply to your marriage. 

I wish you both well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I also see your defensiveness, in your replys to other lashing out to prove your view is correct at all costs. Your a linear thinker. And truthfully there is no arguing with you or pointing out what's wrong with the picture you painted for us , because if it doesn't fit your narrative then it's BS and not constructive criticism for you. 

So in all truth this is the reason your wife shows no jealousy, there is no way she can have a grown-up mature conversation, because you only see responses that fit your narrative. 

And deflect and attack those responses because you feel intellectually superior. So then you have just show us here WHY your wife shows no jealousy. It is as simple as this. 

Your the Reason!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP: 

Maybe your wife trusts you completely. That is a rare thing, and if you betray that trust you will show yourself to be a man with no honor. I worry that you are heading that way - testing things ever further. 

Maybe she just assumes you are having an affair and is OK with it. Maybe because she is doing so as well. 

Maybe she is deeply concerned but doesn't want to tell you.

Talk to her - find out what her boundaries are.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I think everyone is wrong, including OP. 

Your wife probably does not care because she has a boyfriend of her own. She probably could not care less who you screw or don't screw. 

One other possibility is she is waiting for you to screw up so she can take you to the cleaners. 

Like someone already said, you need to talk with her. 

And guess what, if no one said it yet, you are already having an affair with this girl. I am suspecting that you and all your perfectness will get played soon... 

I just hope you have the guts to come back a tell us when that happens. 

One question, why be in a marriage where you spend very little time with your wife? What is that about???


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> You're creating a problem where none exists. She's not jealous. Jealousy isn't healthy, and you are wanting her to show unhealthy attitudes. Perhaps she feels that she's just dump your sorry ass if you transgress her boundaries, whatever they are. Besides, it's YOUR responsibility to respect the boundaries you'd want for both her and yourself. So, you are the problem here, not her.
> 
> Also, my wife isn't jealous. I can (and do) hang out with women friends, quite often. My wife is always welcome but seldom comes along. I even have her permission to have sex with any of my female friends who'd want me (that hasn't happened very often, believe me!), and she'd just say, "Have a fun time, honey!" I have a few insecurities, but feel the same way when she hangs out with her male friends (which she does, just not as often).


I disagree that jealousy isn't healthy. We can't pretend that we have no jealousy or even envy--these are universal, common human emotions.

Too much jealousy and possessiveness is bad for sure (and those are two different things), and such emotions should be held in check as much as possible, but if you have none at all? The author of the article says "My take on jealousy is plain and simple, it is there and it will always be, deal with it. Because darling the day that emotion has drained out from me know that you aren’t loved anymore. I am the quintessential (typical) girlfriend from some other planet who wants her man all by herself"

In other words, that woman is being dead honest and not parroting pop-psychology nonsense. We are human beings, and if we love someone, especially a spouse, we are going to be a bit territorial and a bit jealous at times. The only times I've experienced no jealousy at all is when I didn't care what the girl I was with did--I was already looking beyond her


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Whatever you would feel jealous of if your wife did it, don't do it yourself. I have pretty strong boundaries with the opposite sex, the things you do are way over that boundary.
> I have no idea why your wife doesn't seem bothered, especially as in many ways you are acting as if you are single, but she clearly doesn't.
> The main issue here is your completely inappropriate behaviour with the other woman, and your social life generally.
> My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but I am pretty sure he would recognise that what is going on here is completely inappropriate behaviour on your part.


Aside from staying in a hotel room too long with a single girl--something that I apologized to my wife for, what "inappropriate behavior" are you talking about exactly?

It seems like the ladies here (and some of the men) are deliberately misreading me and jumping to conclusions. I have never touched this girl, nor even said anything inappropriate to her. I have been a gentleman, and have no intention of cheating.

Now it could be said that I have gotten too emotionally close to her, but that is based on the idea that I cannot be as close to a girl as one of my guy friends (I do have close friendships with guys as well). That might be true, given that I am married, and I understand that position.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Everybody is different. I am very territorial over my man. I am also insecure, and have self esteem issues. My “jealousy” is a reflection of who I am, not the person I am with. 

Your wife lack of jealousy tells me about her, not how she feels about you. Actions tell me how people feel about the other person, as well as who they are. If that makes since. 

And bc I’m insecure I like to be with territorial men. Not controlling but I like them to not want me to do something that may cross a boundary . My exH never got jealous and never cared what I did. It made me insecure and feel unloved. But again this is my issue with myself. 


So what I’m saying is... your wife is fine. She loves you. The issue is you and how you receive love. It is what it is and you Can’t change how you feel.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Manny,

It does seem odd that with all those details your W was not jealous. I often get a similar response from my W.

The last one was a month or so ago. Some lady from church messaged me that she wanted me to take her into the woods, my W just said she is lonely and unloved when I showed her the message. Were that me I would have gone nuts. My W also continued to help this woman with her life issues after that as well.

A few thoughts I have on why...

*Perhaps this is ok taking into consideration my Ws cheating, she once said she couldn't blame me for cheating if I had done it

*My wife knows me too well, it's most true I'm temperamentally incapable of cheating

*My wife wouldn't care if I cheated as she'd be fine with no sex for life

*I've always told my W when some woman was being forward with me

*My W thinks she is so much better looking than me that I wouldn't risk it


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Manny1400 you've received some good suggestions as to why your wife is not jealous. Do you think any of those suggestions fit your wife's personality?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

What kind of reaction do you expect from your wife? 

I'm not the jealous type. I view jealousy as a very immature and insecure behavior. I hate drama.

Do you want more attention from your wife? Do you feel lonely when you go out without her? I feel something is missing. Be careful with your midlife crisis because you might do or say things you'll regret in the future.

My husband works in customer service. He talks and interacts with women all day. He's got female friends. He goes out of town with friends, he's very social. I don't feel jealous of him having a social life. I trust him and he's shown me he's loyal to me. Why would I feel jealous when he's showing me he's not doing anything wrong? I'm happy when he's happy!

Maybe your wife doesn't show interest in your social life? And you need that type of attention? My husband tells me what he did after a night out, and I ask questions about it. I always ask if he had fun. 

I wouldn't like my husband to spend the night at a hotel, though. Not because of me feeling jealous but because I'd miss him. My husband takes an Uber back if he's drinking. 

How's your relationship with your wife apart from the non jealous behavior? Do you guys communicate well? What do you do together for fun? 

The person who's having issues with this subject is you, not your wife. You can always ask her and see what she thinks about it. Actually, you should discuss this subject with her and find out what she's really feeling instead of asking a bunch of strangers that know nothing about your marriage.

Good luck!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Becoming defensive is not serving your overall purpose.
> 
> While I admit that some of us come across rather strong (myself included), please understand that everyone expresses themselves differently and we are all here because we truly want to help. Some do it by challenging you. Some do it by calling you out. Some are more subtle. Respect all opinions (unless of course they are totally batsh*t crazy..lol)
> 
> ...



Women tend to know when other women are a threat to their man. Your wife doesn't perceive this other girl as a threat for one reason or another. Your wife probably knows this other girl wouldn't sleep with you. 

Also, I don't believe in jealousy, haven't in many years. Is what jealousy really is, is your sixth sense telling you something is not quite right. If I get that feeling, I let my wife know and it's up to her to fix it. Same goes for her. If it's not fixed, then it's time to move on as I believe your SO should move heaven and earth to ascertain you don't ever have those feelings for long.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Women tend to know when other women are a threat to their man. Your wife doesn't perceive this other girl as a threat for one reason or another. Your wife knows this other girl wouldn't sleep with you even if you wanted to. 

Also, I don't believe in jealousy, haven't in many years. Is what jealousy really is, is your sixth sense protecting you, telling you something is not quite right. If I get that feeling, I let my wife know and it's up to her to fix it, and fast. Same goes for her. If it's not fixed, then it's time to move on as I believe your SO should move heaven and earth to ascertain you don't ever have those feelings for long.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In thinking about some of the responses, even if your wife were to become jealous in a broader sense, that wouldn't resolve your self admitted mid-life crisis. I think we often look to our spouses to fix what is broken in us, but that's not fair to them, really. Sure, marriages can be broken, but it sounds like you are looking for your wife to make you feel better or more important. If she reacts in the way you desire, will that cause your mid-life crisis to stop? Will you suddenly be fulfilled? Will the attention of this other woman cease to matter?

I don't know you and the specifics of your marriage, but marriage is just one part of our lives, not our whole life. We need to feel whole and happy within ourselves, and expecting marriage to compensate for all the broken parts within ourselves, is not fair to our spouses. So, if you admit to being in some sort of mid-life crisis, it might be helpful to get some private counseling to figure out why you're feeling this way at this time in your life.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

There is nothing wrong in protecting what you value. 

If you want to call it jealousy, well, that's your problem.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

TAMAT said:


> Manny,
> 
> It does seem odd that with all those details your W was not jealous. I often get a similar response from my W.
> 
> ...


I am virtually certain my wife isn't cheating (thankfully), but I see your point there for sure.

I explained to her one time during a deep discussion that I would never cheat, because it would be the equivalent of not only cheating on her, but also cheating on the kids. My father cheated on my wife when I was a kid, and I know how bad that can be. So after explaining all this to her, she just nodded. I was like "you don't have anything to add to this"? Paranoia maybe, but ...

My wife has the code to my cellphone and PC. She can look at my stuff if she wants, and I keep her informed on virtually everything. I don't keep secrets from her. Like you, I tell her if a woman was forward with me. I think it is the best policy, because if some guy was forward with her, I would want to know.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

pastasauce79 said:


> What kind of reaction do you expect from your wife?
> 
> I'm not the jealous type. I view jealousy as a very immature and insecure behavior. I hate drama.
> 
> ...


Our relationship is very good for the most part. We rarely ever fight, and we don't have worries over money, and do go out to have fun together. I take her to operas, plays, etc. Date nights are important.

She is extremely pragmatic and practical, and a bit shy in the presence of company. She is either stone-faced and in control, or in tears (pretty rare), and has an easy-going personality. My friends like her, and she does come out with me to some of these events and meetups. She is very intelligent and from a pretty wealthy family (which introduces some complications--I will put that in another post). She is also a few years older than me.

Unlike me, she isn't "moved" by things like art, literature and music. Sure, she likes that stuff, but I can get lost in a book of poetry or a symphony, and will want to talk at length about it--she is like "oh that's nice". I know that sounds a bit harsh or critical, but not everyone is like me in regards to that stuff. I am very imaginative and a bit fiery: she is the exact opposite. I sometimes find myself wishing that she would let her hair down a bit, get a little more conviction about some things, etc.

Sex life is good, but not great. We had a rough patch with that a few years ago, but things have improved quite a bit. 

One note on the hotel stuff: I have very bad night vision, so if I go out to a party or even into the city, I do not like to drive home, even if I haven't had a drop of alcohol. That is the primary reason for me to gt a room, but I haven't done it that many times.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My take is that she isn't jealous because 

A) She is blindingly, trustingly, naive

B) She believes you'll never leave her, so she's just turning a blind eye to keep the peace and marriage together.

C) She really doesn't care

or

D) the fact that you seem to spend so much time on hobbies, meetups, dinners, hiking, and in hotels away from her and home for same that she's simply detached and cares, but only to the extent necessary to continue a marriage with you.

I love my husband and I want him to have a happy life. That said, I wouldn't tolerate him having what is basically an open emotional affair complete with dates and midnight conversations in hotel rooms about her (lack of) sex life for more than the 30 seconds it would take for me to come out of the shock and call a lawyer.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> My take is that she isn't jealous because
> 
> A) She is blindingly, trustingly, naive
> 
> ...


Let me specify that I spend tons of time with my wife, and she is often with me on these meetups, etc. I don't blow her off or neglect her, but I have been out without her numerous times. She also goes out with her friends and has fun, and I've never once told her she couldn't--she doesn't need "permission".

And I don't think I've had an emotional affair, although that is a danger, and I've taken some steps to prevent it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I love my husband and I want him to have a happy life. That said, I wouldn't tolerate him having what is basically an open emotional affair complete with dates and midnight conversations in hotel rooms about her (lack of) sex life for more than the 30 seconds it would take for me to come out of the shock and call a lawyer.


This. 

I love my SO and love for him to be happy. But I wouldn't tolerate him carrying on like the OP is. 

That said, I also wouldn't snoop through his phone/computer, start a fight about it, yell and cry at him, or otherwise display open jealousy about it. Not because I wouldn't be bothered by the behavior. But, rather, because I just don't do those sorts of things. I don't react to disrespect of my boundaries with temper and flame. I just leave. And I would absolutely leave him if my SO were doing what the OP is. There just wouldn't be any drama about it - before, during, or after.

Any drive I might ever have had to deal with - fight against, try to police - that level of disrespect was pretty much completely snuffed out while dealing with my now-ex-husband.:yawn2:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Manny1400 said:


> Let me specify that I spend tons of time with my wife, and she is often with me on these meetups, etc. I don't blow her off or neglect her, but I have been out without her numerous times. She also goes out with her friends and has fun, and I've never once told her she couldn't--she doesn't need "permission".
> 
> And I don't think I've had an emotional affair, although that is a danger, and I've taken some steps to prevent it.


Well, then, back to either she is really super trusting or she just can't muster a fig to give.

The way you described some of her personality traits, though, make me wonder if she's the "Well, if it's just an affair that's ok as long as he's otherwise loyal to me and won't leave." type.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I have two questions for you:

1. why are you inventing problems in your marriage? Your wife trusting you is not a problem, so why are you making it one?

2. why are you hanging out with this single woman in a hotel room?

Both of those actions lead me to believe that you are the one that wants to cross some boundaries here, or perhaps blow up your marriage altogether. These scream rationalizations for wanting to bone this girl to me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You have NO IDEA, neither does anyone else, if she is jealous or not. You have spent all your posts, as have others, explaining THEIR versions of jealousy and lack of reactions they and you expect.

Her aloofness can be how she reacts to jealousy.
I know people who overeat when they become jealous.
I know people who rant and rave.
I know people who just accept what they can control.

We all know the TV and movie version of jealousy. Jealousy is also subtle and can be passive aggressive. It can also manifest as not caring.

Yes, she might actually trust you.
She could not care at all.

Hell, you aren’t home you have no idea where, what or how she reacts when she is not around you.

Edit:

Yes, I am ignoring your clarification/rationalization/minimization post. You can’t expect me to believe you are always around and in the same post say, but I’ve gone by myself numerous times.


Something is off and you just noticed. So, you better sit down and talk with her instead of arguing with us on the internet.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Manny1400 said:


> She is *extremely pragmatic and practical, and a bit shy in the presence of company. She is either stone-faced and in control, or in tears (pretty rare), and has an easy-going personality. My friends like her, and she does come out with me to some of these events and meetups. She is very intelligent and from a pretty wealthy family (which introduces some complications--I will put that in another post). She is also a few years older than me.*
> 
> Unlike me, *she isn't "moved" by things like art, literature and music*.


I was about to ask you a few questions about this, but you've already answered it here... [I'm not going to bring up the boundary issue since others have already mentioned it and you've taken note.]

The dynamic you both share is a different one to most marriages I (and probably, the TAMmers) know of... in some ways, you have a wife that many men dream of - doesn't nag, is very chilled, is very intelligent, doesn't do drama, doesn't demand you curb your social life, doesn't interfere etc...

Then, there's a point when too much of something good starts getting worrying too.

Essentially, in your marriage, you're the fire, she's the ocean... so, while you do passion, she does pragmatism.

I can understand where you come from... and how it can be unsettling overtime if none of your actions ever evoke an impassioned reaction from a spouse... then again, she's always been this way. The bolded portions attest to her personality, and the fact that she's older might contribute to her matured outlook too. 

Is she ever protective of her kids/siblings/you? Caring towards you? While you're sick/low, does she naturally show empathy and support? How is she as a mother? Those who have a very detached/cold outlook in life, are sometimes not the best at being intimate, but you say you both enjoy relatively-good intimacy too. 

If she is otherwise protective/caring/affectionate but not possessive/jealous, then that is just who she is - a wise matured analytical woman. I'd advise you to embrace that by cherishing this rare personality of hers, and return the respect she shows you in kind by placing the boundaries that she does not demand of you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Manny1400 said:


> Aside from staying in a hotel room too long with a single girl--something that I apologized to my wife for, what "inappropriate behavior" are you talking about exactly?
> 
> It seems like the ladies here (and some of the men) are deliberately misreading me and jumping to conclusions. I have never touched this girl, nor even said anything inappropriate to her. I have been a gentleman, and have no intention of cheating.
> 
> Now it could be said that I have gotten too emotionally close to her, but that is based on the idea that I cannot be as close to a girl as one of my guy friends (I do have close friendships with guys as well). That might be true, given that I am married, and I understand that position.


Don’t take it personally. They do this with any guy that comes on here. 

Take what you need and leave the rest. Just skip the posts that don’t fit your situation. 

There are some great people on here so don’t give up. 

Some of those throwing stones have been in situations that your story my have triggered them. They see red and all men are evil cheating dogs. They believe all men cheat and lie. Not much you can do about that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It may be, it is unlikely, oh' my, just maybe.

Your wife and this gal have a pact and a bet.

Will he fall or will he not?

Your wife says no, the gal says maybe.

The wife says to her, have at him.

And if he falls, if he fails, you can have him, cheater, peter and all. 


The Typist I-


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Why are you engaging in behaviors that you believe should make your wife should jealous?

Rest assured, by the time she gets jealous, you will have crossed many lines of no return, and your marriage will be in deep trouble.

I'd advise that you stop it, right now, before you cause more damage to your marriage.

Your wife has already written you off (that's why she is not jealous.)


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Could your wife be use to affairs?

Maybe she is just blase because of the social interactions she grew up with and considers normal.

You have done some pretty crazy **** boundary wise and she hasn't batted an eye.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems to me, it must be...

With billions and billions of ladies out there, 'some' simply will have no qualms about their man getting some on the side.

The reasons?

They love him to death.
They love what he brings not what he has brought, not what he is made of.
They are tired of making the bedroom effort.
They are the sharing type, having no jealousy.

Sex is sex, it is just going through the motions.
The other women gets to milk him, then he comes home to the milk maid.

She has a lover on the side, needs him to do the same to alleviate, any, her shame or guilt.

She is on the spectrum, she knows not, what real love is, she only knows what sex is, that getting off feeling.
She is so miserably depressed she thinks she deserves of this.
She is exhibiting a form of self-harm, self cutting, at her own expense, of course.

She may be this masochist.

Or, when her husband is with this woman, her hand works her lower half hard, and works her voyeur mind into a frenzy, the lady being a (banned word).

Never ask the Typist I to list forth some why's.
He never has a shortage of these/them.


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## Manny1400 (Dec 10, 2019)

ABHale said:


> Don’t take it personally. They do this with any guy that comes on here.
> 
> Take what you need and leave the rest. Just skip the posts that don’t fit your situation.
> 
> ...


Yeah I see

I'm out: this place is completely juvenile and toxic. I came to have serious discussion, not get repeatedly shamed and insulted

good luck


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Manny1400 said:


> Yeah I see
> 
> I'm out: this place is completely juvenile and toxic. I came to have serious discussion, not get repeatedly shamed and insulted
> 
> good luck


Bu bi


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I guess solid 7’s don’t tend to last long on this site?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

dadstartingover said:


> Like others have said, you're playing with fire with the young gal. You know you are.... but she makes you feel good. Her energy and youth are addictive.
> 
> Then you have the double-whammy of a wife basically giving you the vibes of, "Oh, you wanna hang out with the bimbo? Go ahead, casanova. Knock yourself out."
> 
> Good for her. Shows she has confidence in herself, and frankly, she's above playing your games. If you were to take another step over the line with the young gal, she would probably quietly serve you with divorce papers, take half of everything, and coldly leave you to your newly-found party life. Everyone would probably applaud her for it, too.


She is so "over it" that she has made sure that if she dies first her inheritance from her family goes to their children and not him. THAT is her answer to his inappropriate friendship with Miss Younger Woman and and his midlife crisis.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Manny1400 said:


> Yeah I see
> 
> I'm out: this place is completely juvenile and toxic. I came to have serious discussion, not get repeatedly shamed and insulted
> 
> good luck


IMO, you came here expecting everyone to accuse your wife of cheating and not hold you accountable for your self admitted side of the street. To me, it was shown when Andy chastised YOU and you called him a White Knight. He called you and you alone out.



Manny1400 said:


> I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)
> 
> But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.
> 
> ...


Dude admits to Going through some sort of mid life crisis, which includes hanging around with a young, single, VERY attractive, interesting woman, numerous times, without his wife, staying out until 2am, drunk, going to meet ups where this girl is at and then gets scared because his wife seems to not care.



You know what would be sadly funny? She may be on a website, similar to this one, where people have told her to detach. It would be utterly ironic if she was being told how to 180 the OP and investigate.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Manny1400 said:


> My wife and I have pretty regular sex and are very affectionate with each other. Our marriage is strong.
> 
> So yes, I'm sure she is confident, but zero jealousy?
> 
> I have endeavored to be more conscious of the signals I am sending in regards to this women, and to be a lot more professional about the situation. I haven't cheated, and it kind of bothers m that the first responses in the forum here basically consist of people calling me a scumbag for chasing after another woman. That isn't the situation and it wasn't the purpose of my question


People get upset easily.

I saw two options:
- She is a decent woman who trusts you
- She cannot believe a woman would find you attractive

Of course, it could be both. But, from that post is seems to be the first one for certain.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Manny1400 said:


> Yeah I see
> 
> I'm out: this place is completely juvenile and toxic. I came to have serious discussion, not get repeatedly shamed and insulted
> 
> good luck


Um, thanks?

Look, if I had a friend who did what you're doing to his wife, we'd have a hard discussion about the appropriateness of that behavior, as hard as it might be to discuss.

You're a stranger to me, so I have no investment in hiding the unvarnished truth. I can't tell you why your wife doesn't react more strongly to your shenanigans, but you are not on the morally high ground here. Huff, puff, and act indignant to your heart's content. Call us toxic, pout, and question our maturity all the livelong day.

But please, treat your mate with more respect, or in no short order we'll be reading your posts in the divorce or infidelity forums.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He was seeking to rationalize inventing a problem in his relationship while crossing boundaries he himself thought inappropriate with another woman. 

Either he was looking for his wife to police him into being faithful, or he wanted an excuse to not be.

When you don't play into people's rationalizations, they get angry. Because you're not giving them what they want: to hear that his wife is the problem and likely having an affair herself, or that she should be stopping him from having one, because he won't stop himself.

It's just what happens. Ever try to talk to someone about to have an affair? This is exactly what happens. They get answers they don't want to hear, and then you become the problem.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Marduk said:


> He was seeking to rationalize inventing a problem in his relationship while crossing boundaries he himself thought inappropriate with another woman.
> 
> Either he was looking for his wife to police him into being faithful, or he wanted an excuse to not be.
> 
> ...


Yes, it does fit.

This woman makes him feel attractive. He would like his wife to see him and admire this by feeling jealous. But, she trusts him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr The Other said:


> Yes, it does fit.
> 
> This woman makes him feel attractive. He would like his wife to see him and admire this by feeling jealous. But, she trusts him.


Or, perhaps, she's allowing him to be accountable for his own integrity. Either way, she's not the problem. He is.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Manny1400 said:


> Our relationship is very good for the most part. We rarely ever fight, and we don't have worries over money, and do go out to have fun together. I take her to operas, plays, etc. Date nights are important.
> 
> She is extremely pragmatic and practical, and a bit shy in the presence of company. She is either stone-faced and in control, or in tears (pretty rare), and has an easy-going personality. My friends like her, and she does come out with me to some of these events and meetups. She is very intelligent and from a pretty wealthy family (which introduces some complications--I will put that in another post). She is also a few years older than me.
> 
> ...


Every person in a relationship is different. Every relationship is different. You have a lot of good things going on in your marriage, you both have fun, you both have intimacy, you love each other, you share and love your kids. I know sometimes we focus on the things that we think we are missing instead of focusing on the good things that we already have.

My husband and I are very different. In my relationship I'm the one who likes dancing, classical music, opera, theater, musicals, museums, etc. My husband is not interested. He's into rock or heavy metal music, he hates dancing, he gets bored during musicals or opera. There's no way I can join him at a heavy metal concert.

A few years ago I got sad thinking we don't share a lot of interests. I wanted to go out dancing with him. I wanted to go to museums with him. I wanted to enjoy a classical music concert with him. "I" wanted all those extra things. 

I realized I was putting too much importance on a few personal interests that didn't contribute much to our relationship. We weren't available to go out every weekend. We had to run our kids to many extracurricular activities. Many weekends we spent at home because we were too tired to go out. 

I realized I wasn't appreciating completely what we had. Many couples would give anything to have the kind of relationship we have. 

We are very different in what we individually like to do outside the house, but we have the same goals as a family and as a couple.

It took me a moment to really appreciate our relationship. My husband is an amazing man, amazing father, amazing provider, an amazing lover. Who cares if we didn't share my taste in music or other social activities! 

Learning about other couples problems also can give us a different perspective on our relationship problems. Is this a real problem you are having or is your bored mind playing games with you? (You can spend days reading this forum to understand what other couples go through.)

Just imagine for a moment you have the perfect social and adventurous partner. You enjoy many outings, museums, music, etc. And then you come home and your partner doesn't give you any affection, she's secretive, you have money problems, you guys can't talk about anything else other than the latest museum exhibition, your family life is a mess. Wouldn't you wish to trade places with someone like the real you? Who has a wonderful family life, a partner that cares but is not so much into museums or adventurous outings? What's really important to you?

People get comfortable and let go of the adventurous side too. It's never too late to find new things to do without getting too crazy. Trying new restaurants, breweries or wineries (if you drink.) You can join a painting, cooking, pottery class just for the fun of it! My husband and I joined a ballroom dancing class. It convinced me to never going out dancing with him again! Lol! Now I go dancing with my friends and that's ok with both of us. 

There's always little things couples can do together without getting too wild. It takes little effort to find those things. You can start slow with a painting or cooking class and see where it goes.

I feel I wrote a lot, but my point is don't take for granted what you have. Appreciate the kind of marriage and wife you have. If there's no problems in your relationship, feel grateful and blessed that you are one of the few lucky ones that found the perfect partner to share a life with. Respect your partner and whenever you're about to do something, put yourself in her shoes and think how would you feel if your wife was the one doing whatever you are about to do. 

Don't expect your wife to like everything you like. We are all different, not even identical twins like the same things. It's ok to go out and do things on your own.

I hope your midlife crisis passes quickly and you can get out of the fog making you feel insecure about your relationship.

Good luck!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife may think she is too old to be playing the pick me game. After all, you already picked her when you said "I do".

If you want your wife to make you feel desired, tell her. She may have no clue you are so insecure.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

It's ok folks. No need to continue. The OP left the forum. 
He posted in men's clubhouse about his wife not including him in the inheritance, was checked by a few females and proceeded to digress into volatile comments like "its your problems with men that cause you to say things" and calling the forum a "viper pit of bitter, resentful women" and "toxic and juvenile"
Seriously wish his wife the best. He's gonna need it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thanks Marduk, for quoting his posts in the other thread,

He deleted his OP, as well as other posts, in the other thread when he rage quit. I didn’t realize the comment was related to another thread.

Now, I get it.

This was his passive aggressive way of saying he was jealous of her inheritance. Seriously though, we have another thread where people are telling a man to keep his inheritance separate.

So, nope, it isn’t about men or women. it is about bad behavior and consequences.

Edit:

Good lord, the inheritance thread reads differently when you add the context of this one to his story.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I wish it were impossible to delete or edit and opening post.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cynthia said:


> I wish it were impossible to delete or edit and opening post.


You could always quote it into your own post.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> You could always quote it into your own post.


I have been known to do just that! haha


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

So his wife had already checked out of the relationship.

It makes me curious as to what happened upstream.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Just in case.

I have a feeling that Manny1400 will come back to see what else has been said.

After the temper tantrum here and what he apparently said on the other thread, I think we might have more of an idea why his wife doesn't seem to care. She may be fed up with these antics and ready to leave. The behavior we are seeing here is certainly not confined to message boards, but is very likely happening at home as well.



Manny1400 said:


> I've been happily married for over 17 years, and I have 2 kids. I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and to my knowledge, she has been faithful to me (no reason to doubt)
> 
> But something has been bothering me for the last couple of years. As a guy in my late 40s, I've been undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not ready to settle down into "retirement-style" life, and I like to go out with friends and have a good time. I am 6'1 185lbs (same weight as when I was 18), relatively handsome (a solid 7 for sure), and I dress very well. I am also well-off financially. I get quite a bit of attention from women.
> 
> ...


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Just in case.
> 
> I have a feeling that Manny1400 will come back to see what else has been said.
> 
> After the temper tantrum here and what he apparently said on the other thread, I think we might have more of an idea why his wife doesn't seem to care. She may be fed up with these antics and ready to leave. The behavior we are seeing here is certainly not confined to message boards, but is very likely happening at home as well.


His post in Mens Clubhouse:

“I am putting this in the men's area, because I know what the women re going to say

My wife and I have been married 19 years, and for almost all of that time, she has stayed home with the kids and homeschooled. It has worked out great, and I'd like to continue with that. She is a terrific mother and wife

but ...

an issue came up about 16 years in regarding finances. We have joint checking and savings, and our own brokerage accounts/IRAs. I have paid the mortgage and all the bills for the whole marriage, and bought the house. When I came into some additional money via inheritance (about 1.3 million) I set up a trust, and named my wife and kids as beneficiaries. If I die tomorrow, my wife becomes trustee of the estate (in her own trust), gets the house, etc. I trust her 100% to make the correct decisions regarding the kids (send them to college, etc.), and I know she isn't going to go gamble the money away, or give it to some guy.

Now my wife is from a family who also has money, and stands to inherit a couple million at least. It will go to her trust when her elderly father dies, and she has no other family. I've never thought that much of it, but one day in the kitchen she remarks "I've decided that my money will go to the kids if something happens to me" --so she set up her trust so that if she died, the money would be held in it until the kids turn 25. I am not named at all in it.

At the time, I was like "OK, fine", but later thought to myself "she disinherited me? Does she not trust me"? I didn't argue with her about it, but I was pretty surprised at this behavior. I didn't think to leave her off my trust.

should I be?”

When a woman called him out for hanging with younger women in hotel rooms, drunk, until 2am this was his response:
“ this is specifically why I directed my question at men and not women

my wife trusts me completely. It is your own insecurities and issues with men that are coming out here”

I think many here have valid points. His behaviour does not bode well for the future of the marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

To be honest Manny, you are a grown-ass man and your wife should not have to police you. You are crossing boundaries texting, flirting and hanging out with this girl. partying and staying in hotels are also crossing boundaries.
I am sure your wife knows who you are, this has not happened overnight, she knows your ways. She has probably been hurt by them in the past but decided even if you didn't have respect for her, she would respect herself not to get embroiled in setting boundaries with jealous arguments. If you do not know how to behave then it says more about you than her. 
But let me tell you from a woman's perspective, we may let you go your merry way, but every incident when you put your parties, nights out, staying over, flirting, whatever, we keep a note, we never forget and after many years we do not care anymore. We might have sex with you, be cordial, we do it all for the kids. But when you took your wife's heart, threw it in your pocket with your car and hotel keys and showed through your actions that satisfying your own needs was way more important than her, it will come back to bite you in the ass. 
I guarantee you she acts like she doesn't care, she does care about how you disrespect her. You may find out how much in the future too. She may have a fling of her own, dump you or whatever. Do not ever take someone for granted and that is exactly what you are doing. 
Your wife sounds very grounded and grounded women do not take this kind of s*** in the long run.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Manny1400 said:


> The only times I've experienced no jealousy at all is when I didn't care what the girl I was with did--I was already looking beyond her


I think you just answered your own question.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Manny1400 said:


> I disagree that jealousy isn't healthy. We can't pretend that we have no jealousy or even envy--these are universal, common human emotions.
> 
> Too much jealousy and possessiveness is bad for sure (and those are two different things), and such emotions should be held in check as much as possible, but if you have none at all? The author of the article says "My take on jealousy is plain and simple, it is there and it will always be, deal with it. Because darling the day that emotion has drained out from me know that you aren’t loved anymore. I am the quintessential (typical) girlfriend from some other planet who wants her man all by herself"
> 
> In other words, that woman is being dead honest and not parroting pop-psychology nonsense. We are human beings, and if we love someone, especially a spouse, we are going to be a bit territorial and a bit jealous at times. The only times I've experienced no jealousy at all is when I didn't care what the girl I was with did--I was already looking beyond her


Maybe your long-suffering wife has got tired of your antics, (I am positive this is not new for you, you have always done this, partying, staying out late, etc). You are like a teenager not a grown man with responsibilities. There is no point wasting energy on someone who never changes or grows up, it is wasted effort. Your wife probably has come to that conclusion. I would be interested in your story 5 years from now cause I suspect as the song goes 'a change is gonna come.' 
How old are your kids?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Manny1400 said:


> Yeah I see
> 
> I'm out: this place is completely juvenile and toxic. I came to have serious discussion, not get repeatedly shamed and insulted
> 
> good luck


Did you come on here for all of us to slap you on the back and say you are great? You are the grown man acting like a juvenile but sadly cannot see it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> When a woman called him out for hanging with younger women in hotel rooms, drunk, until 2am this was his response:
> “ this is specifically why I directed my question at men and not women
> 
> my wife trusts me completely. It is your own insecurities and issues with men that are coming out here”
> ...


I think we all need to learn that when our partner checks out of the relationship, there will be very little that they care about. If anything, they may want you to do more of the same. Reminds them of why they checked out.


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