# Damage caused by a (now gone) partner



## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

I'm long since past my divorce, and have remarried.

But I can't help but notice that I'm still carrying some damage leftover from my previous wife.

I rarely sing out loud. Before I met my first wife I used to sing along with the radio, used to sing along with my CDs...you name it. Then...she came along.

She was professionally trained as a singer. Never really did anything with it, but she had professional levels of vocal instruction in High School and in College.

Now I'm not blind to my lack of talent in that area. I know my voice isn't the greatest and that I really have no training in how to use what I have to any level competence. I know that I'm frequently off-key. But it did not matter. I enjoyed singing along to my music.

After years of listening to her criticize and complain and point out how much my singing gives her a headache...I stopped. 25 years later and I'm still loathe to sing along with my music...even if I'm alone.

Knowing this, I'm also trying not to discourage my grandchildren even though the way they sing one line of a song over and over again in 30 different keys is irritating as all heck since I know that if Grandpa rips into them as she did to me, I might discourage them should they actually have talent in that area later on in life.

And before you judge...a 5 and a 6 year old rarely has any real command over their vocal instrument and any child singing the same five words of a song over and over again ad infinitum would test the patience of a saint. Singing "Baby Shark" would drive that saint into homicide.  

Any one else have similar damages from previous marriages/partners and how did you overcome it? I'm trying to by trying to sing along with my music again...but I just keep giving it up after a few lines.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

This is really SAD...and I DO understand what you are talking about. My "damage" is more personal (sexual, body image fears), but anytime we choose to reject a part of ourselves because we've been told by important people that it's not good enough (or worse) it is VERY PAINFUL, and long-lasting...!!!

Your struggle is two-fold -- the first problem is that even though she's gone, there is a part of you that either believes her or is worried she could be right. My answer to that is....SO WHAT!!!!! Who cares what someone like that thinks? Would she have approved of your lifestyle? Or marriage partners? Or your choice of hairstyle? Or your clothes? And what if she didn't approve of those things...?? Why would you allow her to have that kind of power over what makes YOU happy anymore (or EVER!), and limit yourself based on HER opinions??

My advice to get over that is to simply KEEP SINGING. Don't stop after a few lines, keep doing it and push through that wall of resistance you've allowed to build up. What SHE thinks doesn't matter anymore...you do what YOU enjoy doing...and KEEP doing it!

The other problem is more specific -- you are singing for perfection instead of pleasure! If you were singing for the sheer JOY of it, you wouldn't care what you sound like, because that's NOT the point of it, the point is that it feels good and uplifting to sing!!! And just look at your grandchildren -- DO THEY CARE that they sound bad or off-key? Do they care that it's the same sound over and over? Do they care that they might be annoying everyone?? NOPE!!! They are expressing themselves with their voices and reveling in the sounds they can make, because it brings them JOY.

Maybe instead of seeing their singing as something to tolerate, you could LEARN from it and how unafraid and free they are with enjoying themselves through what their voices can do!

Now that aside...Baby Shark IS SO ANNOYING!!!!! And it gets stuck in my head and never shuts off!!!! Lol! 
What I did when my kids were younger was when I got sick of hearing something they were singing, I popped in a new CD of different (kid) songs they could sing along with, and that didn't drive me crazy (for the moment! Lol!!)

PLEASE try not to squelch their natural expression and happiness just because it's (understandably) annoying to you!!! Soon enough, they will become insecure and self-conscious about singing aloud (and many other things), and you will never hear them sing like that again. And you don't want that first lesson that they need to stop being themselves to come from their Grandpa, and while they are still able to be happy with such simple things. Children and childhood are PRECIOUS!!! I think the world would be a better place if adults tried to be more like kids, instead of trying to make kids more like adults!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't have anything really similar but I do know about overcoming mental and emotional damage when it comes to relearning to do something good and normal.

You could start to vocalize, at least by yourself, how wrong your ex was and what she did was bad.

It sometimes helps to admit you didn't do anything wrong when you were singing. It was good but what she did was bad and she was bad for criticizing you and harming a part of you.

Saying these things to yourself or even out loud may help you overcome.

Sing along with some good songs about overcoming.🙂


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

For the grandkids, find some catchy kids music and put that on when they are stuck on repeat. They might find something new to catch onto or that makes them laugh. Or learn the songs as well and belt it. I probably sing something from Frozen 1 or 2 every day, annoys the crap out of my kids 

They are just kids so it might be easier to have fun with it. I can sing, I suppose, but I absolutely hate it. Even when I was in bands and recording or performing I didn't like singing. But it's a good tool for having fun with or annoying small humans  

Or, you could try taking some vocal lessons just for fun? That might help you get a bit of confidence or feel more comfortable with your voice.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Criticizing someone's singing is situational. If you're stuck together in the car, asking them to stop is reasonable. If you criticize when you could just as easily avoid it, you're insecure, an ass, or both.

As for how you react to unreasonable criticism, do you want jerks to run the world? If not, don't give them that power.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I have written this in another post. I was never able to love with the abandon I did before, I love deeply but the joy that comes with letting yourself go without fear won't ever be their again. Don't think I could get that back, even if I wanted to. I don't even think that it's a bad thing, but it's still a huge loss.

As for you, sometimes you gotta not over think it and be like - **** you I am going to sing and just do it. Spit is useful here.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SpinyNorman said:


> Criticizing someone's singing is situational. If you're stuck together in the car, asking them to stop is reasonable. If you criticize when you could just as easily avoid it, you're insecure, an ass, or both.
> 
> As for how you react to unreasonable criticism, do you want jerks to run the world? If not, don't give them that power.


If only it were that easy. Emotional abuse takes its toll after a while. Water hitting a rock a few times will not affect that rock hardly at all. But if it keeps hitting the rock, eventually the rock will wear down and crumble. We aren't much different emotionally speaking. As strong as we might be for a while, the damage will eventually get through. After that it's a matter of trying to repair the damage after the water is taken away.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> If only it were that easy. Emotional abuse takes its toll after a while. Water hitting a rock a few times will not affect that rock hardly at all. But if it keeps hitting the rock, eventually the rock will wear down and crumble. We aren't much different emotionally speaking. As strong as we might be for a while, the damage will eventually get through. After that it's a matter of trying to repair the damage after the water is taken away.


Unlike the rock, what we tell ourselves about the event makes a difference. It may be easy to react against it, or it may not, but IMO it is work worth doing. There is the empowerment of you, and there is also denying the jerk his anticipated payoff, which might discourage him in the future and hence benefit other people.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

It's always tough to get toxic ideas from toxic people, and it takes a long time. My first BF didn't trust anyone, and he put people down all the time. It was a huge turn off to me. Thank God I never became like him, but it took a while to get out of that, and to get my own thoughts back on track, and to trust in myself, but I got there. You can too. Trust yourself and love yourself.


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