# Feeling dumped



## royallady (Oct 4, 2010)

*When his kids visit Im expected to bow down kiss up and be dumped*

Hi, Im new but have a very frustrating problem. It hurts me deeply. OK,,,,,,My husband has two kids my kids ages,,,we are a blended family. To me family means everything and everyone together. His kids come for regular visitation. My kids are a permanant fixture. My kids father is a pedifile and out of the picture....Proud to say that my kids are verywell behaved, do their chores and share everything. His kids are disturbed, the little one (9) get sick over any stress and cant eat healthy food cuz it makes her sick and is always on medication for something. I believe this is all for attention. His teen daughter is angry, uncooperative on anything and of course hates me. She shows no respect, eats only junk and does no chores. My problem is that he always takes his kids out without me or my kids to do stuff eat junk and get stuff. He goes to visit them three hours away for days at a time without us. I feel that we (husband and me) should do everything as a couple or family. All kids get and do the same except for b-days or special interests. When his kids come for visitation,,,we become seperate families with a huge wedge deviding us. I totaly hate how this feels. The two younger kids play for hours and get along great. I am starting to get resentful of him. What is he thinking? Please help!!!!!


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

He may be doing this to try and spare you from dealing with his kids. If they are as difficult as you make them sound, he just may be trying to keep them from stressing you out. If his teen daughter dislikes you he may also be trying to spend time with her without forcing her to deal with you too. Blended families can be very difficult to deal with. Additionally, unless you and your husband have discussed it openly, you may have no idea what kind of parenting style their mother has with them. Your husband may be trying to just hang out with his kids and not "parent" them. Which would affect the family dynamic. I know it's frustrating to you. But, my advice, talk to your husband about this and see if you can come up with some solutions that will work for everyone, you him and all the kids.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I agree. He may feel like he's trying to keep you from having to deal with his kids behaviors. 

My husband has a son and when we first got married he excluded me from a lot of things. I asked him why and he said that he didn't want to push me away by having me contribute to all the responsiblity. He was afraid that if he involved me, I would become overwhelmed. He was trying to prevent that.

Give it time. I've read that blended families need at least 5 years before they start to feel anything close to normal. I would accept the fact that you may never be one big happy family, but you can learn to respect each other over time.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

I don’t think being married means doing absolutely everything together. It’s normal and healthy to do some things together and other things apart. In addition to that, blended families are VERY hard. If all the kids were there all the time it would probably be a little easier. In that situation, all the children would be living by the same rules, etc.

Having one set of children that are there full time and a second set that technically visits makes things very complicated for everyone. Many parents who don’t have their children full time feel guilty and don’t do a lot of parenting while they have them. Their goal is to enjoy the time they have. If there is tension in the house, it would make sense that he would want to spend some time with his children in a place they’re more comfortable. This has nothing to do with you or your children. It is what it is.

I would let it go and allow him to handle his children the way he sees fit. I would personally be grateful that he was spending time with a teenager that doesn’t like me in a different location. You and your husband have vowed to be together forever. The children will only be an issue for a small portion of that. Sometimes we have to do the best we can in not so perfect situations.


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