# I am going out of my mind please help



## selenafan (Sep 14, 2012)

My husband and I have been married 20 years. We have always had a great marriage with up and downs like everyone else. But this past february my life changed forever. We had a friend who passed away in a car accident leaving a son wife and daughter. The son is our godchild. I have been ill myself for a a couple of years in and out the hospital. Well me being the person that I am I asked my husband to please take her and the kids to their doctors appointments and guess what she offered him oral sex and he took it. And for a month they texted not all day only for a few minutes they didn't last long. And my husband sent her a picture of his private parts. He said it only happened once he had no feelings for her he has always loved me he said he used her he was horney so he went for it. He has taken full responsibility , his trying to make all the wrong he did right . He says it will never ever happen again and that me and his daughter are his everything .His said he was stupid for what he did . He even had our pastor come over and confess to her and had us blessed. I know he loves me but it hurts so bad I was sick and sex was the last thing on my mind I tried to please him other ways. The other woman was like family to us . I asked he he like her or what he felt for her he said nothing at all . She even said to a friend of ours who confronted her and she said it was only oral sex and I should get over it. My husband swore on my life and has said from the beginning it was not actural itercourse it was oral he has said that from the start. He says i am not willing to give him a chance to show him how sorry he is and wants nothing more but our marriage and our happy home back. I just can't stop thinking about it I want to believe it was only oral sex and not intercourse. Especialy when he swears he never kissed touch her or anything like that. I love him he is a good man great father, he said he messed up he even begged for forgiveness in front of our pastor. any advice will help as far as the other woman we decided to never have contact with her because we would have to have contact with her to see our godson. I told her she will never be friends with us in this lifetime or the next . my husband has no problems ever with me checking on him he calls me when he gets out of work and I check his phone. I just don't understand how you he can say he never stopped loveing me he never had nothing for her. also she always cheated on our deceased friend her husband with most of his friends I figured that my husband had the kids in the car and I could trust that boy was I wrong also my husband said she texted him she wanted them to meet somewhere and he told her yes . He said he never planned on it she just won't leave him alone and he was afraid of her telling me things that weren't true . I don't believe him insists he would have never slept with her he just got caught up in something he couldn't get out of.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay, he is exposing. He's being transparent. He says he's sorry and (it seems) he's acting sorry.

I find it hard to believe that a woman would just want to offer ONLY oral sex to someone (was it mutual?) after all, what does she get out of it?

But even so, what does the type change? The only issue I'd have is the lying/trickle truthing to you. Sit him down and tell him that you SWEAR to make an effort to reconcile but he needs to come clean TOTALLY and right now. If you find out differently later, it's all over. Walk out the exact details and make sure nothing has changed (This, btw, will NOT make you feel better and if more stuff comes out...you are on the hook for making a go at it)

He is taking all the right actions and your mind knows this. But, you are asking yourself 'if he's doing all the right things, why is my heart still hurting so much?'

It's natural. You need time to heal and he needs time to repurchase some trust in him (his account in WAY in arrears).

It is a double betrayal so it hurts far more: husband and friend. Not only did they EACH betray you, but they betrayed you with someone else you knew and needed to deal with. 

So vent, scream and be angry. Please tell your husband that he doesn't get a choice in how long it takes you to 'get over this'. If he thinks this is a rather steep price for a hummer...maybe he won't 'buy' one so quickly in the future. If he doesn't like the price, he's still free to leave as well. But also mention you are trying to find a way to deal with this, for yourself and the kids if for no one else.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Oral's last name is sex. That is because it is sex. I don't see how the betrayal is less of a betrayal because of the type of sex they had. 

I feel that your husband is trying to downplay this event to protect himself and that is a mistake on his part. He needs to come absolutely clean.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry friend this happened to you. You didn't deserve it.


> He said he never planned on it she just won't leave him alone and he was afraid of her telling me things that weren't true .


Huge red flag here. There's more you do't know. Pay atention. He's focusing in the "just oral" in order to minimize the severity of all this. I smell TT. Even if it was "just oral" it likely happened more times.
At the other hand he sent her pictures. it was not a "one time" incident. It become a sexting EA.
Check the phone bill from that period. Check the amount of calls/texts, check the dates, at what times of the day they comunicated, check the data usage. Check his whereabouts of that period, get a calendar and try a little memory.
Check the PC, facebook account, etc.

Also, don't forget to adopt the "trust but verify" policy from now on. He already crossed the lines in that callous way (deceased friend has to be turning over in his grave). Once you cross certain lines it becomes way more easyly to cross them later. Also I find hard to believe he's not stepping out the marital boundaires from some tine. At least online. Keylog the PC.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Oral's last name is sex. That is because it is sex. I don't see how the betrayal is less of a betrayal because of the type of sex they had.
> 
> I feel that your husband is trying to downplay this event to protect himself and that is a mistake on his part. He needs to come absolutely clean.


Exactly, minimizing, and trying to get over this "stump" as fast as possible. Bring the torment down, if he's as remorseful as you say he is he'll take it. No alone contact with this woman.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So this woman you were friends with was cheating on her husband already? So basically she's the town tramp and she's now offering her services to your husband?

Have you exposes her for what she is?

You should never have had a person like that in your lives. If she doesn't care about her marriage vows, she certainly isn't going to care about yours.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Oral sex is still sex. Your H needs to get it through his head that he cheated on you in the same exact way as if intercourse was involved. He seems to be downplaying it. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you did that to another man ?? I would also out the woman immediately.


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