# No Contact; 180 Rule; When to break it?



## newlywed_heartbroken (Aug 27, 2017)

So I've posted on here a couple of times in regards to my situation. My husband and I are separated after only 2 months of marriage, not by my choice. We had a fight, and he decided he was "done" with the marriage. We are now separated and living in two different cities about 2 hours apart.

I've tried to reconcile with him, suggest counselling, couples and individual (which I am currently going to on my own), I've written letters, begged, pleaded, tried to reason, basically everything I could think of to make him try to give this a second chance and he remains adamant that he is done and it is over. He is so cold and cruel and mean and has told me that he has already lost feelings for me as well.

So to protect myself, I decided to do the 180 rule/No Contact, unless it was absolutely necessary to talk to him (regarding finances etc). Sunday morning was the last conversation I had with him where he told me these things. He came by our place on Sunday evening to pack up more things, I wasn't there. I haven't called or texted him since then, then suddenly last night I get a text from him asking how I am doing.

Question to all: Do you think I should ignore it or respond? Is this his way of soothing his guilt over what he is doing or boosting his ego or do you think that he is missing me and wants to talk?

Any opinions would be helpful.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Send him a one word answer. Tell him you are fine.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Actually, you should never break the 180 rule. The 180 Rule is designed to get you back to being focused on you. So it becomes a life style choice to focus on yourself. No Contact is only a part of the 180 rule. First off no contact allows you the opportunity to NOT be influenced, driven or motivated by the external (your H or W) which then forces you to be moved to action by the internal (your self). Secondly, no contact, signifies to the other that you are changing the dynamics to ones that will better fit you and your needs, instead of theirs and their needs. So you should expect such attempts to breach the wall. The other side is used to dominating the conversation and having their way. Avoiding contact prevents that from happening. So when the reach out to you, as Andy said, a simple one word answer "Fine" is all you need to do. Otherwise they will attempt to push your buttons and you will become reactive instead of responsive. But as for the 180 rule, that is something that hopefully you will come to see as being beneficial to your own well being and continue to do it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

newlywed_heartbroken said:


> Do you think I should ignore it or respond?


I edited my post. I agree more with Ynot than how I advised you.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

"Fine" is the perfect answer.

Keep in mind, wait at least 20 minutes - and preferably 2 hours or so - before you answer.

He cannot get the impression you're waiting to hear from him.

Your busy with your life.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

He sounds like an immature prick. I'd reply, "better now I'm over you." There is no way you can see a future with this guy. File today


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Don't say "fine", every guy knows that in a situation like this when a woman says "fine" it means she's not fine. If you still haven't responded to the message and it's been a few days, just respond back "Sorry been busy, I'm great" and that's it. Do not ask how he's doing or what he's doing, just let him know in the least amount of words possible that you're good and moving on with your life. And most important, no attitude and no snippy comments towards him. If you even give the hint that you're sitting on the couch by yourself every night thinking about what happened, then he has you right where he wants you. You've said your peace, granted the begging and pleading was the wrong way to go but it's understandable. There's nothing more that you can do at this point to make him want to come back, he's either going to eventually apologize and want to work on things or he's not. Either way you need to start moving on with your life and let him find out that you're just fine without him. That's right, let him find out, don't tell him. Let your mutual friends see you happy and moving on and let them tell him that you look great and you're happy


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I wouldn't answer any text.

Not one.

If he wants to talk with you he can call you, or come see you in person.

Texting is one of the most unmindful ways of communicating in relationship repair there is.

After how his actions have matched his words, how much of him do you really want him in your life?

If in his behavior he has lost you, allow him to understand what this means.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We have five or six senses [I have one* more].

Sight.
Hearing. Includes feeling atmospheric pressure, or lack of.
Smell.
Taste.
Touch, includes sensing heat and cold, pain.

Balance, originating in the inner ear, one's bodily position. 

Kinesthesia is the precise awareness of muscle and joint movement that allows us to coordinate our muscles when we walk, talk, and use our hands. It is the sense of kinesthesia that enables us to touch the tip of our nose with our eyes closed or to know which part of the body we should scratch when we itch.

Synesthesia.Some people experience a phenomenon called synesthesia in which one type of stimulation evokes the sensation of another. For example, the hearing of a sound may result in the sensation of the visualization of a color, or a shape may be sensed as a smell. Synesthesia is hereditary and it is estimated that it occurs in 1 out of 1000 individuals with variations of type and intensity. The most common forms of synesthesia link numbers or letters with colors. 

ESP* undeveloped and unrecognized by most.
.................................................................................................................................

Doing the 180 blocks signaling from: Sight, sound, touch, and smell! If you kiss and lick, add taste. These are the stronger senses. Shielding one from 'outside' influences, i.e., the STBXH.
It is hard for someone to penetrate your defenses when they have no entry means.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Don't say "fine", every guy knows that in a situation like this when a woman says "fine" it means she's not fine. If you still haven't responded to the message and it's been a few days, just respond back "Sorry been busy, I'm great" and that's it. Do not ask how he's doing or what he's doing, just let him know in the least amount of words possible that you're good and moving on with your life. And most important, no attitude and no snippy comments towards him. If you even give the hint that you're sitting on the couch by yourself every night thinking about what happened, then he has you right where he wants you. You've said your peace, granted the begging and pleading was the wrong way to go but it's understandable. There's nothing more that you can do at this point to make him want to come back, he's either going to eventually apologize and want to work on things or he's not. Either way you need to start moving on with your life and let him find out that you're just fine without him. That's right, let him find out, don't tell him. *Let your mutual friends see you happy and moving on and let them tell him that you look great and you're happy*


AtMyEnd read the fine print of the 180.

Always be upbeat...AND indifferent to the Wayward Spouse, ex-spouse.

Never ask how their day was/is. You have moved past them. Always a {modest but sincere looking} pleasant smile on your face....oh, yeah.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

In regards to AtMyEnd - who cares what he thinks? Even considering it places them right back in the middle of the thought. So to the OP respond or don't respond, but take absolutely no consideration into how he might perceive it. If he wants to sit around wondering if fine means fine or not? Well, too bad for him, because you shouldn't care.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No need to respond to him. No need to break the rule.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

newlywed_heartbroken said:


> So I've posted on here a couple of times in regards to my situation. My husband and I are separated after only 2 months of marriage, not by my choice. We had a fight, and he decided he was "done" with the marriage. We are now separated and living in two different cities about 2 hours apart.
> 
> I've tried to reconcile with him, suggest counselling, couples and individual (which I am currently going to on my own), I've written letters, begged, pleaded, tried to reason, basically everything I could think of to make him try to give this a second chance and he remains adamant that he is done and it is over. He is so cold and cruel and mean and has told me that he has already lost feelings for me as well.
> 
> ...


He may very well be missing the attention he was getting from you that suddenly dried up. He's probably wondering why you went from broken-hearted begging to stone cold silence. Do not respond. Responding will tell him that you became silent as a means to manipulate him into reaching out to you. You aren't seeking his attention, your moving on.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> AtMyEnd read the fine print of the 180.
> 
> Always be upbeat...AND indifferent to the Wayward Spouse, ex-spouse.
> 
> Never ask how their day was/is. You have moved past them. Always a {modest but sincere looking} pleasant smile on your face....oh, yeah.


I guess you didn't actually read what I originally wrote but ok, lol


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> I guess you didn't actually read what I originally wrote but ok, lol


OK, True..

Am chronologically old, eyes suffer from Presbyopia, am Presbyterian.

How are you doing? Fine, I hope. :laugh:


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> OK, True..
> 
> Am chronologically old, eyes suffer from Presbyopia, am Presbyterian.
> 
> How are you doing? Fine, I hope. :laugh:


Yeah, not too bad. My marriage is slowly getting better, I've lost 45 lbs, feel great, but most importantly I'm doing things and living on MY terms. I've at the point now where if things work out and get back to "normal" great. If they don't I know things will be just fine without her. We haven't fought in I can't remember how long and she hasn't done anything suspicious or inappropriate, she's actually been noticeably trying which is nice to see. It's still not what I would call a marriage, but we seem to be at a point now where it's been like a reset for the relationship.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I wouldn't answer any text.
> 
> Not one.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Quoted for TRUTH!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do not respond.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't respond to that. 

Why is his stuff still at your place? Do you co-own it? If not, put his stuff in garbage bags, rent storage for one month, throw it there, and drop the key to the storage in his mailbox with a note that it's paid up for a month... Come and get it.

Then get a new phone number and a new lock on your door. That's assuming you're already getting an annulment? Everything can go through a lawyer now.


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