# Another Woman, Is There Hope for Reconciliation?



## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

So I know I sound stupid to my friends and family but I love my husband and want him back. I know he loved me before and he was a selfish jerk for cheating but honestly not to sound like I make excuses for him but we have been through a lot of crisis over the past three years and this woman just wouldnt go away. Everyone gets mad at me for looking at him like he's the victom of a seductive woman who took advantage of a vulnerable man. I really dont know what to think or beleive anymore. The only thing I'm sure about is that I love him, he's my husband and would do almost anything to get him back. We have been talking and he denies still seeing her but he doesn't know I know that he has been. I really feel like he is confused cought between two woman so he is in his own place now. Part of me wants to file for divorce and just move on because I cant stand being in limbo but I love him and want him back. I'm affraid to push for reconciliation but at the same time I feel like I'm being taken for granted. I have needs too. I know I'm not perfect and contributed to some of our problems but bottom line he betrayed me. I feel like I should give him an ultimatum but I know if he feels forced hes only going resent me later. How do I get him to fall in love with me again without looking and feeling like im desperate and pathetic. Am I wrong for wanting to forgive and work on our marriage and at what point should I cut the strings. I'm scared of being disapointed and hurting worse later. I also fear that if I cut all contact that I'm only making it easier for the other woman to win. He's my husband not hers. She has a husband that she apparently ruined her marriage behind her affair with mine.:scratchhead:


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Welcome. You are in good company here. Sorry for your pain and confusion. 

There are a number of questions that need to be asked but chief among them is: why would you want to be married to somebody that treats your marriage with such disrespect?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Husbandinneed92 (Aug 5, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> Welcome. You are in good company here. Sorry for your pain and confusion.
> 
> There are a number of questions that need to be asked but chief among them is: why would you want to be married to somebody that treats your marriage with such disrespect?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll have to agree with Orpheus on this.
I currently am going through a similar thing with my unfaithful stbxw, and when people ask me "Why do you want her?" It's always answered with "She used to be..."
I think that's a big wake-up call for me as I realise that a lot of my feelings towards her are from what I want her to be like, or what she was like before she cheated. It really is a deal-breaker for me, and it's helped me realise that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think the best way to when his love back is by showing him a confident women that commands respect and will not tolorate crap.

So what if the OW wins, you will soon see that this affair...when it comes to light is just a fantasy. Once the light of day start to shine on the affair and the day to day stuff start to strees this once secret/taboo exciting affair you will see it start to fade.

So expose the crap out of the affair and make it as uncomfortable and inconvienent as possible by ask for others to support your marriage but until OW is out of the picture you will continue with a divorce.

Never beg or cry for the marriage, but be confident that you can let him go if he continues. This may get him to think twice when he sees you moving on.

Some times we have to push them further away so they can see what they are about to loss.

The idea here is to get him to start chasing you once he see this OW is not all that.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

I want to continue to be married because when he isn't cheating he treats me so good. Also, I kinda blame myself and circumstances for why he started cheating with this woman. I know there was a year and a half that he wasn't with her. She has recently resurfaced after a series of events that caused him to drift. Its complicated and maybe I'm too "understanding" bottom line he isn't in love with me anymore just dont know which came first. Was it her that caused him to fall out of love with me or did he fall out of love first so he reached out to her. I miss him so much hes a great guy when he isn't cheating. I know he loves and cares about me but hes not sure what he wants. He has his own place and nobody lives with him. He says he isn't seeing anyone but thats a lie I know. I already made the mistake of asking him to come home mostly motivated by losing my job. He says hes not sure if he wants a divorce and reasures me hes not in love with anyone else. He admits he was wrong but the power has shifted since I let it be known that i loved him wanted him back and wanted us to go to counseling. Now he just goes on and on about all the things I did wrong and I feel like I am having to jump through hoops to make all these changes and hes got all the control. He swears he wasn't cheating that they were just talking for the first time in a yr and a half. But when he got his apartment I found out where he lived and seen that she had been staying over there. When I confronted him he got mad we had a fight and I didn't speak to him for two weeks he called called called gave up after a few days. Then I went two months no contact but I caved after driving by his place every day and she was there. When I reached out to him we talked about working on our marriage and I told him she had to go so he put her out. She dont live there now but I saw them together last weekend. I havent confronted him directly yet. I dont know how to read him. We have been talking a lot but he doesn't come see me. Why does he bother talking if he rather spend time with her?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

sugahoneyplum said:


> I want to continue to be married because when he isn't cheating he treats me so good. Also, I kinda blame myself and circumstances for why he started cheating with this woman. I know there was a year and a half that he wasn't with her. She has recently resurfaced after a series of events that caused him to drift. Its complicated and maybe I'm too "understanding" bottom line he isn't in love with me anymore just dont know which came first. Was it her that caused him to fall out of love with me or did he fall out of love first so he reached out to her. I miss him so much hes a great guy when he isn't cheating. I know he loves and cares about me but hes not sure what he wants. He has his own place and nobody lives with him. He says he isn't seeing anyone but thats a lie I know. I already made the mistake of asking him to come home mostly motivated by losing my job. He says hes not sure if he wants a divorce and reasures me hes not in love with anyone else. He admits he was wrong but the power has shifted since I let it be known that i loved him wanted him back and wanted us to go to counseling. Now he just goes on and on about all the things I did wrong and I feel like I am having to jump through hoops to make all these changes and hes got all the control. He swears he wasn't cheating that they were just talking for the first time in a yr and a half. But when he got his apartment I found out where he lived and seen that she had been staying over there. When I confronted him he got mad we had a fight and I didn't speak to him for two weeks he called called called gave up after a few days. Then I went two months no contact but I caved after driving by his place every day and she was there. When I reached out to him we talked about working on our marriage and I told him she had to go so he put her out. She dont live there now but I saw them together last weekend. I havent confronted him directly yet. I dont know how to read him. We have been talking a lot but he doesn't come see me. Why does he bother talking if he rather spend time with her?


You need to stop making excuses for him. "He's a great guy when he's not cheating"".......great guys don't cheat. 

:lol:Of course he goes on and on about all the things you did wrong. He is either trying to justify what he is doing, or is simply enjoying the power he has over you. Either way, he is in control. You need to shift the balance of power. Stop grovelling. Leave him alone. You can't change him. You can change the way you react to him. Work on yourself. Become a strong, confident, independent woman. When he contacts you, or if you need to contact him (about something important, not to tell him you love him and want him back), be friendly, but do not, I repeat, do not throw yourself at him. If he starts in on you, calmly tell him you will continue the conversation when he is ready to talk to you respectfully, then hang up.

Stay strong. Then maybe he will see what he has let go and regret it. He won't regret leaving a weak, clingy wife.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Suga, I've read your other threads, and from your own words

-- there isn't one 'other woman' - he's cheated with multiple women and he rubs your nose in it

-- you strongly suspect he broke your bedroom window because you brushed him off and wouldn't answer his 'psycho dialed' phone calls

He has major problems, and it kind of looks like you do, too, sweetie. Are you in counseling of any kind? If not, I'd strongly suggest it. This man treats you terribly. You deserve so much better. You love a way he treats you when he isn't openly cheating on you. Does that even make sense? Men who are abusive (and breaking your window when he's angry is a step on the ladder to more/worse violence) are not abusive all the time. There are times when they are nice, great guys. That's why the abused woman hangs around. But they are abusers ALL THE TIME, whether they are acting it out or not. The fear, stress, etc. waiting for the next attack is itself a form of abuse. Unless he's changed and gone through therapy with you and made a whole boatload of changes, he is a cheater ALL THE TIME, whether he's actually in bed with another woman or not. It's his personality and it's what guides him. 

You will not be able to change him by anything you do. He needs to come to terms with who he is, and be disgusted by it, and want to change himself. 

You can work on you. Talk to a counselor. Find out why you love and want to reconcile with someone who treats you so despicably. And why you love yourself so little.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Right on...I should just move on. I tried did ok had no contact for two months but I think being lonely got to me. Honestly all this talking we have been doing is helping me see how controlling he is and I don't like it. One night I was really tough with him he tried soooo hard to break me down but I was bullet proof. The next morning he broke my window. Dumb me thought wow he really does care (just like an abused woman, 1st hub was phys abusive). I think thats why Ive allowed more dialogue. Hes not violent at all until that day. I'm rambling....im about to move and he wont know where. That will be a good time to take back some control it will drive him nutz that I know where he lives and what hes doing but he doesn't. I'll have more leverage then. Wish I had a great guy that was great all the time.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Getting away from him and really not giving him access to you is the first big important step. But you will get lonely again, and you will need to have a back-up plan to help you through times like that. Look for groups in your area that help abused women. Getting support from other women in your situation is really crucial. Don't let him be your main social contact. 'Dilute' his influence on you by replacing him with more helpful, positive people.

((hugs)) to you.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes I am in counseling working on my self esteem. Honestly I know whats wrong with me. My father never had anything to do with me. My mother raised me and he raised my sister. I spent my whole life without the love of my father and being jealous of my sister and feeling like I never could compete with her. She won my fathers attention and love and I was dirt. I longed for him and made several attempts to reach out to him with cards and letters and waited and waited for a reply that never came. Im repeating this cycle in my relationship with my husband. Also, I was prev married 9 years to a physically abusive man. Current hubby is more emotional but the window making me wonder just how far he would take the violence.


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## Husbandinneed92 (Aug 5, 2012)

sugahoneyplum said:


> Yes I am in counseling working on my self esteem. Honestly I know whats wrong with me. My father never had anything to do with me. My mother raised me and he raised my sister. I spent my whole life without the love of my father and being jealous of my sister and feeling like I never could compete with her. She won my fathers attention and love and I was dirt. I longed for him and made several attempts to reach out to him with cards and letters and waited and waited for a reply that never came. Im repeating this cycle in my relationship with my husband. Also, I was prev married 9 years to a physically abusive man. Current hubby is more emotional but the window making me wonder just how far he would take the violence.


I don't have much time to write a long reply, but I'd recommend you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" - it will help you realise that you don't have to compete.

Here's a link to read it online if you can't get the book.
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Obviously it's written for men, but it's good for anyone who's been brought up in a competitive environment. It'll help you establish yourself.


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