# HD/LD relationship survival



## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

I am new here, but have an coping strategy that has bothered me for a while. My wife and I had a great sexual relationship early on in marriage 5-7 times a week. Then it went down to 2-3 and now it is 1 time a week for her. I never changed though. In order to cope I started going to strip bars and eventually had oral sex by someone else. I told my wife and we reconciled and I don't want to do that again. For the last 5 years I have found that in order to cope, I masturbate 2 to 3 times per week while waiting for her 1 time a week which I gratefully will take. My problem is my self esteem has gone down. I have never told her I do this because she would get upset. She used to do it doggiestyle all the time and now refuses to do even that saying she does not feel comfortable. When I approach her she says I only think about one thing all the time and refuses to even talk about compromise. I would like to go back to what we used to have early in our marriage. I am tired of porn and masturbation.

How do you get out of this?


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## 4yearsnokids (Mar 26, 2014)

Have you asked your wife why things have changed? Does she give you reasonable answers?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you still love her?

Do you feel she still loves you?

How is the rest of your relationship?

Do you have kids?

How long together total?

What is your relationships histories before each other?


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

She has no reasonable reply and it is like a wall. She says I think about sex too much.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

I love her very much and she loves me. We have 3 kids. We have been together 25 years.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ever had any counseling together or apart?

If not, time to start now.

If yes, call your counselor and make an appointment. 

Fight for it, work for it, ask her to fight for it and work for it, too. If you do really love each other, you can work something out.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Actually we saw a counselor a while ago and it worked for a while and she was great. Then it slipped back to where it is now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Like a lot of people in your shoes, you probably have some bit of a problem with being lovingly assertive in getting your own needs met. Get back in counseling, get some assertiveness training, be present and aware in your relationship to her and have the intent to have a great sex life again.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

One way I have coped is to withdraw emotionally. I feel like my needs are not being met so I "go in a cave". Watch tv, focus on hobbys and work. I have no problem telling what I want, its just that she is not willing to bend.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Is it harder on a low drive person to make an effort. I feel like the only reason she made an effort before is because she realized for once that she might lose me due to infidelity. Now that she no longer faces that she feels secure in being at where she wants to be.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

How do Low drive spouses view their high drive spouse? Do they understand our frustration in life?


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## 4yearsnokids (Mar 26, 2014)

I dunno, unless your wife is totally selfish, she has to understand that your needs are different from hers and *try to compromise. Also, have you considered that perhaps your overstimulating yourself. Like, if you watch a lot of porn or go to strip clubs a lot...those things could be driving your sex drive instead of your natural inclinations. I know I can feel perfectly fine. Then, I watch a dirty movie, and I'm dying to have sex. Maybe that's happening to you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Stevenj said:


> How do Low drive spouses view their high drive spouse? Do they understand our frustration in life?


No, not usually. Read everything you can about it, to expand your knowledge about the topic.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Stevenj said:


> One way I have coped is to withdraw emotionally. I feel like my needs are not being met so I "go in a cave". Watch tv, focus on hobbys and work. I have no problem telling what I want, its just that she is not willing to bend.


Did you leave the "over" off the end of your post? But really it is your passive responses that are a big part of the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Steve - in the same boat as you. It sucks (no pun intended!)

Lots of people here are suggesting MC...it is certainly an avenue to try but only, ONLY if both parties are prepared to go, listen, talk openly, take on board, do etc.

My wife and I went to MC. When the discussions turned to sex etc she said we didn't have a problem and stopped going.
She thinks duty sex 3-4 times a year is perfectly acceptable.

I am simply a sordid and disgusting sex maniac for wanting it 1-2 a week and want to give and receive oral.

So MC only works (and not always) when both parties are receptive to it.

It sounds as if the OP's wife is like mine...wants all the 'trappings' of marriage; the 'respectibility', the house, car, dog etc but not that other sordid and disgusting thing that comes with marriage; sex with her husband.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Steven,

There are so many sexless marriage threads on TAM. If you search, you'll find many who have slept in your spot in the bed. There are several who are still there.

Read MMSLP and other books to up your sex ranking and create a dynamic to create desire on her side. 

Are you overweight? Smoke? The only bad habit you have is porn, which you would like to drop.

Read Machivelli's posts on the effect upper body appearance has.

Listen to you wife when she talks. Acknowledge issues in your lives that concern her. 

Read Bagdon's thread.

Also, be prepared to consider life without her. If you have the courage to say you can go on and find someone new, despite the destruction of your family, that will in some sense make you more confident. That confidence alone may in fact make you more attractive, as long as you don't act like a jerk.

A sexless marriage is a horrible problem but there is hope. Much better than having a WAW or cheater spouse.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Actually, I am not overweight. I work out twice a week. I don't smoke. I am highly driven in life and very successful financially. After reading about others, a once a week spouse is not as bad as 3-4 times a year. Ouch. As far as overstimulating, I found that when I get a desire with my wife, I can string it out with thinking about it, strip clubs, etc. or I can just go in my room and masturbate for 15 minutes and I am done and can move on. Not the ideal, but it saves a lot of money and does not involve another person. Also, you do not get bonded to another person which brings up other problems. I guess in a lot of cultures many men take on mistresses for this reason. Has anyone given their spouse an ultimatum saying things need to change or we need to move on? What have been the results?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I ended my marriage due to it being sexless, maybe I am jaded but I really don't see any hope in sexless marriages, very few actually survive it.

I didn't answer your poll because my reply needs explanation.
In my past life I was the HD and he was LD.
In my current relationship we are both equally HD. I would never, ever remain in a mismatched relationship again.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think resentment is the number one killer of marriages. It kills libido in women, causes men to withdraw, and disconnects partners from one another emotionally. I'm certain you resent the lack of sex in your marriage. I'm also fairly certain your wife resents some things that have gone on in your marriage as well. 

I think you probably do need the NMMNG book/plan. You sound a little passive, and perhaps also a little passive-aggressive. Work on that for yourself, to make you a better man in all areas of your life. 

I'm also going to suggest getting two books, both by Willard Harley. _ Lovebusters _will teach you and your wife all the things you're both doing to kill your love for each other. _His Needs, Her Needs _will teach you and your wife what one another actually needs to feel loved, and in love, and how to get back the romantic connection in your marriage. Both are available from the Marriage Builders website and from major booksellers like Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Read them together if possible, and go over the questions at the end of the chapters together. Really talk to one another about what your needs are, really think about the things each of you do that hurt your partner, make a plan to do better. Then actually follow through. Both of you. Both of you will need to get on board with doing the work it will take to save your marriage, and to keep doing that work long-term.

If you've gone through both books with your wife and the marriage does not improve, then at least you will have given it a solid effort. At that point, you will have the skills and knowledge to make a good decision for your self going forward.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Resentment.....very much so.
I have tried to be a good husband....be interested in my wife, what she does, what sort of a day she has had, be attentive to her needs etc.

However, years of sexual rejection, being called a pervert for wanting to give and receive oral have made me very resentful.

I feel she has deprived me of one of mans basic need in life/marriage - sex. Its how we bond, show and feel love.

We don't argue but I certainly don't instigate conversations with her unless about shopping etc.

So yes...unless you sort things out - even if it leads to a separation etc - sort it and dont end up feeling as resentful as I (and many others) do.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Yeah, right there with you. Hate to say I doubt it will change. Occupy yourself with healthy habits and hobbies and leave her to wonder why you aren't her sexless Prince Charming


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

My wife is an unimaginative once a week-er and I use porn to fill in.

I guess the reason it does not bother me is that I do not equate her lack of interest as a reflection on me or as not loving me. 

She likes sex once a week and she likes it to be comfortable. She has compromised and learned to give me oral sex and she will occasionally change things up if I ask her to. I mostly just do what she likes because I think it is in my best interest to make sex as enjoyable for her as possible.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I'm with Holland. I don't think these things really change that often. Especially when the LD has a mindset that you are a deviant for wanting sex more often or to try a different position. I think people like that just don't get it and more importantly they don't WANT to get it. Everyone is going to have peaks and valleys but when your SO straight up tells you sex is not important to them, just believe them and plan accordingly.

For me, getting out was the best thing I could have done and I will not go back into a situation like that again.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

The porn & jacking off is not helping, it is really making it worse. There is a lot of stuff online that you can read to support this but really it is only making your needs become more unrealistic and if you were to stop your drive would slow down like your wife’s has. 
Home | Fight The New Drug


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> The porn & jacking off is not helping, it is really making it worse. There is a lot of stuff online that you can read to support this but really it is only making your needs become more unrealistic and if you were to stop your drive would slow down like your wife’s has.
> Home | Fight The New Drug


Is your suggestion for him to slow down his drive? I am a curious bistander here as I am going through something similar with my H being LD.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think sex is like any other drug -it creates chemicals that make us crave it and abstinence will decrease the need for it. 

I do not really understand what the point of doing without porn would be however. I suppose it depends whether or not it is causing the user problems accepting a fairly typical sex life. 

If the thought is "My wife will not do X sex act than she does not love me" that is the real problem.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

LoriC - If a guys body ejaculates every day then it gets use to that and expects it, if a guy can keep himself from masturbating then in a few weeks the schedule his wife is on becomes normal for his body. Most guys will still think about and want sex but the drive will drop. In all reality I would rather my wife try to match my needs instead of me matching hers but the original post was more about how he could handle the 7 day wait until his next sexual encounter with his wife and my advice is to walk away from Porn and masturbating because it is messing with his mind in so many different ways. It is too bad that this is the most talked about subject on this site.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> LoriC - If a guys body ejaculates every day then it gets use to that and expects it, if a guy can keep himself from masturbating then in a few weeks the schedule his wife is on becomes normal for his body. Most guys will still think about and want sex but the drive will drop. In all reality I would rather my wife try to match my needs instead of me matching hers but the original post was more about how he could handle the 7 day wait until his next sexual encounter with his wife and my advice is to walk away from Porn and masturbating because it is messing with his mind in so many different ways. It is too bad that this is the most talked about subject on this site.


Do you really believe it is a fact that if a man ejaculates every day then his body is used to that and in a sense needs that every day? If this is true, I will try to sell this bill of goods to my H. I would love sex every day. My drive is very high and his is not.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

LoriC, does your husband look at porn? For men it is one of the biggest killers of intimacy. I have never met a guy who did not want sex more than his wife unless he was getting that need met by something or someone else. I am sure they are out there but none that I know.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Lack of sex drive is a different issue. In that case for whatever reason the body is not producing enough of whatever chemicals it needs to create desire or the brain is wired slightly differently. 

Anyway the effect is probably minimal. A person is never going to be able to turn their sex drive off by simply not thinking about sex but it would probably help. Your husband may be able to get in the mood more by wanting to be but will probably never be a high drive person.

I have gone a few weeks without masturbating and once a week is still not enough. Anyone who could do that is probably not high drive in the first place.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

As an LD wife who is making our marriage work, I have to say that unless the LD person acknowledges that there is a problem it will never be fixed. If the LD person is genuinely sorry that there is a problem, you can both keep working at it. It took us ten years to become happy in our sex life. If the LD person is too angry, resentful, or resistant the problem will never go away. 

It took us a lot of work and tears to get through this and it doesn't seem like very many people do get through it. The work never stops for me, I have to make our sex life a huge priority. If your LD spouse is unwilling I don't think there is much you can do.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> LoriC, does your husband look at porn? For men it is one of the biggest killers of intimacy. I have never met a guy who did not want sex more than his wife unless he was getting that need met by something or someone else. I am sure they are out there but none that I know.


Nope, he definitely does not. The only time he does is when we watch together. He has some issues going on for sure because he is telling me that watching porn doesnt do anything for him anymore. His drive is definitely low, he had his T levels tested and they are on the low side of normal but still within normal range. 

Im the one watching it from time to time and taking care of myself


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

LoriC said:


> Nope, he definitely does not. The only time he does is when we watch together. He has some issues going on for sure because he is telling me that watching porn doesnt do anything for him anymore. His drive is definitely low, he had his T levels tested and they are on the low side of normal but still within normal range.
> 
> Im the one watching it from time to time and taking care of myself


The low side of normal is still low. They determined the "normal" range using 80 year old men in the subject group. The medical range of what is considered normal is probably too low, just based on that. Then figure he is on the low side of THAT...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Doesn't everyone masturbate 2-3x per week? (Looks around nervously.)


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Doesn't everyone masturbate 2-3x per week? (Looks around nervously.)


I wish


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> LoriC - If a guys body ejaculates every day then it gets use to that and expects it, if a guy can keep himself from masturbating then in a few weeks the schedule his wife is on becomes normal for his body. Most guys will still think about and want sex but the drive will drop. In all reality I would rather my wife try to match my needs instead of me matching hers but the original post was more about how he could handle the 7 day wait until his next sexual encounter with his wife and my advice is to walk away from Porn and masturbating because it is messing with his mind in so many different ways. It is too bad that this is the most talked about subject on this site.


Skate Daddy,
I have no idea where you got this idea, oh wait, that link you have on your first post must be it. 

The longer I go without ejaculating the more I want it. There is no way on this earth short of a health problem that my desire will drop to a level that matches mi wife's. We just went 5 months with no sex. Do you really think me or any other normal to high drive person can lower their drive to meet that? I don't think your anti porn crusade is going to convince anyone in a mismatched relationship to stop thinking about it. It is not something we can just switch off anymore than a LD can just switch it on.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Unless there is serious mental trauma causing an inability to think rationally, there is no reason to be willfully ignore your spouses needs and become LD.

Everybody is tired. Everybody is resentlful. Everybody is stressed. People find a way to have sex. If your LD uses any of those as a constant excuse not to be with you, then there is nothing you can do but live with that hell, cheat or leave.

No amount of counselling, books, crying or discussion will change their mind. In their head your need for sex is not important enough to acknowledge. Telling you that all you think about is sex is a coping mechanism designed to shame you in to not "bothering" her.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> LoriC - If a guys body ejaculates every day then it gets use to that and expects it, if a guy can keep himself from masturbating then in a few weeks the schedule his wife is on becomes normal for his body. Most guys will still think about and want sex but the drive will drop. In all reality I would rather my wife try to match my needs instead of me matching hers but the original post was more about how he could handle the 7 day wait until his next sexual encounter with his wife and my advice is to walk away from Porn and masturbating because it is messing with his mind in so many different ways. It is too bad that this is the most talked about subject on this site.


I disagree with every single point you are trying to make in this post.

All of it.

A mans drive doesnt biologically reduce to match his wifes. It INCREASES the longer he goes without. Source? My urologist who advised me to use porn and masturbate after years of a sexless marriage took its toll on my prostate.

I'm not sure what your personal demons are and why you've taken up the fight against a source of media (porn) and given it life, but porn isnt the cause of sexlessness in marriage. Mismatched sexual drives are. Sexual drives are not created by moving pictures on computer screens. They are inherent in the individual.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Doesn't everyone masturbate 2-3x per week? (Looks around nervously.)


Yes, Miss Scarlett. I certainly do ;-)


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Well Always Learning & sinister your situations are extreme and that is not what I was talking about. The original post said his wife was willing to have sex with him once a week. Nobody is going to have an extreme prostate problem if they are having sex once a week.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Stevenj said:


> One way I have coped is to withdraw emotionally. I feel like my needs are not being met so I "go in a cave". Watch tv, focus on hobbys and work. I have no problem telling what I want, its just that she is not willing to bend.


I can tell you from experience that this will only aggravate the problem in all likelihood. 

Although I did build some really nice custom rifles during that phase of my marriage


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> Well Always Learning & sinister your situations are extreme and that is not what I was talking about. The original post said his wife was willing to have sex with him once a week. Nobody is going to have an extreme prostate problem if they are having sex once a week.


True. I concede that point.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> Well Always Learning & sinister your situations are extreme and that is not what I was talking about. The original post said his wife was willing to have sex with him once a week. Nobody is going to have an extreme prostate problem if they are having sex once a week.


Even when I was getting sex once a week my drive did not lower to match my wifes. I still had the need to masturbate at least twice a week(thanks Scarlett for taking the pressure to admitting this, LOL). And yes I did my best to try to slow down my drive to avoid it.

There was a post here a while ago about using the term "using porn" vs. "viewing porn" the using term was generally applied to make people feel shamed for viewing it. Why can't it be just like watching any other show on tv. I like the subject matter!


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I completely understand. I am passive in how I handle Hubby's LD. I am totally out of words and just feeling the shutdown, too. Of course I am totally giving him what he wants by shutting down but I just don't want to participate in a power struggle.

He had an in office procedure done on his non dominant thumb that involved 2 stitches almost 2 weeks ago. It hurts him too much to have sex or even touch me. That makes me bitter when I am watching him drive a stickshift to work every day, plant flowers in the garden, wash dishes, make the bed, chop veggies for dinner, wash the truck, etc.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

onedge said:


> I completely understand. I am passive in how I handle Hubby's LD. I am totally out of words and just feeling the shutdown, too. Of course I am totally giving him what he wants by shutting down but I just don't want to participate in a power struggle.
> 
> He had an in office procedure done on his non dominant thumb that involved 2 stitches almost 2 weeks ago. It hurts him too much to have sex or even touch me. That makes me bitter when I am watching him drive a stickshift to work every day, plant flowers in the garden, wash dishes, make the bed, chop veggies for dinner, wash the truck, etc.


Yup. They make excuses to not be intimate with us because truth be told they just dont want to.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I don't think the nagging by the man helps. Instead, I think you have to change your behavior a little and when she wants something, try to approach the issue somewhat subtly but making the point that you don't feel like going to a show or going to her mother's because she doesn't really care about you.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

The statistics are interesting assuming we have an accurate sampling of the population. If accurate, most couples are not in an evenly matched relationship. Men outnumber women as having the higher drive in the relationship. So if a man is single and never test drives the merchandise and vice versa how do you know if there is compatibility or do you just roll the dice.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

OK. So I have to ask the question. Before a guy marries a girl how does he find out if she is going to be HD, LD or asexual? I mean you go into this thing marriage thing blind. I cannot fathom the guys that are in the once a year relationship.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband and I were together for 12 years before we got married so we knew what we were getting into.

Marry someone you haven't had years of sex with then you're taking a risk.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> LoriC, does your husband look at porn? For men it is one of the biggest killers of intimacy. I have never met a guy who did not want sex more than his wife unless he was getting that need met by something or someone else. I am sure they are out there but none that I know.


That's just an ignorant thing to say, one that could make a lot of women suspicious if they believed you. According to your earlier theory thete sex drive would come down if he doesn't meet it somewhere else so therefore he wouldn't have a higher sex drive. Both statements can't be true.



LoriC said:


> Nope, he definitely does not. The only time he does is when we watch together. He has some issues going on for sure because he is telling me that watching porn doesnt do anything for him anymore. His drive is definitely low, he had his T levels tested and they are on the low side of normal but still within normal range.
> 
> Im the one watching it from time to time and taking care of myself


There is a chart on The Art of Manliness testosterone week that shows what healthy is for different ages. My husband was slightly below what the lab calls normal but the difference when he gave himself a shot was huge. He decided to work at it naturally and we are having some luck. Still not all the way there but things are pretty darn good. Health risks and irritabilty were the main reasons we looked into it. Sex drive was a great bonus.

As for the don't masturbate to lower your drive it probably comes from the studies showing that having sex everyday helps raise T levels. Even if not having sex will lower them to match your spouse I wouldn't advise lowering your T levels purposely, the health risks are to great, T does more than just make a man horny.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

askari said:


> Steve - in the same boat as you. It sucks (no pun intended!)
> 
> Lots of people here are suggesting MC...it is certainly an avenue to try but only, ONLY if both parties are prepared to go, listen, talk openly, take on board, do etc.
> 
> ...


Hello self. 

This is 100% my situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

LoriC said:


> Do you really believe it is a fact that if a man ejaculates every day then his body is used to that and in a sense needs that every day? If this is true, I will try to sell this bill of goods to my H. I would love sex every day. My drive is very high and his is not.


This is true for me... Manybyears ago, I was in the Navy and we'd be out a sea for months at a time... As far as I know nobody masterbated. If the did, EVERYBODY would know... After a while...for me a yway, I didn't have a sex drive... When we got back into port, it took a while to wake my fella up...even with my stripper gf back then.

For so many years with my wife, sex was 3 X a month... I loved my wife and just accepted it... I would masterbate 2X a week with my wife's full knowledge..

So after 17 years, we bumped it up to 3 X a week and sex was way better... For me it was. I was able to last a very long time. To long for my wife... I even bumped it up to EVERY DAY, and I was able to keep up that pace with a very hard erection... Great for me, agony for my wife... I get it now... She does not like sex at all and never will.

Now, after all the hours on TAM, all the advice, all the books, we are back to once a week, if that. I will not masterbate, I don't do porn, no magazines...nothing... My libodo has slowed to a halt...We had sex last night after waiting 9 days for my wife...I was only 3\4 of normal and it was over in less than 5 minutes... My wife love to receive oral.. She hasn't given me oral in over 4 months...

So we use it or lose it.

There is another thread about a LD husband. The wife gave him oral everyday and then some... Over time, her LD husband became sexual without Viagra...

We have to use our package or we dry up. I personally don't want to lose it... I love sex... It is awesome....if I had ed... I would give my wife oral every single day, 

Lori, this isn't a bill of goods. I am sure some me are LD no matter what... Same as some women are LD no matter what...

It just seems like I am becoming LD...I don't like it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have to add that I am an emotional wreck being with out sex with a wife sleeping right next to me sound asleep and me wide awake... I do wake up most nights wife erections... After a week withoutvsex though, my night time erections become less...

I am sure it is having an impact on my testosterone levels...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me make some suggestions about one post, 

1. You first have to have some realistic benchmarks. "I am simply a sordid and disgusting sex maniac for wanting it 1-2 a week and want to give and receive oral." The majority of wives are not doing this. Becoming a mom with children makes you more conservative. By expecting this, you are making sex a chores and increasing the problem. 

2. Twice a week is doing well and there are a whole more relationships lower. Twice a week means once during a busy week, with work, getting kids off to school. Single Sandra works 40 hours a week and has time to go out, relax, fix herself up, go to the gym. Married Marlene gets up 6:00 to prepare breakfast and get herself and the 7 year old dressed, works 7 hours, picks up the other child, at 4:30, there are after-school activities, then fixing dinner at 6:30, to complaints they don't like it, then getting the kids homework done, and getting them to sleep at 8:30. The time to relax and enjoy love is less. 

Three times a year is unfair but those hoping or expecting more than twice a week are obviously unrealistic. 

3. So this is a little unfair, "It sounds as if the OP's wife is like mine...wants all the 'trappings' of marriage; the 'respectibility', the house, car, dog etc but not that other sordid and disgusting thing that comes with marriage; sex with her husband."
She may be doing things for the family and feel those are not valued. 

4. Getting her to relax, enjoy being together, is a first step. 





"Lots of people here are suggesting MC...it is certainly an avenue to try but only, ONLY if both parties are prepared to go, listen, talk openly, take on board, do etc. My wife and I went to MC. When the discussions turned to sex etc she said we didn't have a problem and stopped going. She thinks duty sex 3-4 times a year is perfectly acceptable. 

I am simply a sordid and disgusting sex maniac for wanting it 1-2 a week and want to give and receive oral. So MC only works (and not always) when both parties are receptive to it. 

It sounds as if the OP's wife is like mine...wants all the 'trappings' of marriage; the 'respectibility', the house, car, dog etc but not that other sordid and disgusting thing that comes with marriage; sex with her husband."


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> Let me make some suggestions about one post,
> 
> 1. You first have to have some realistic benchmarks. "I am simply a sordid and disgusting sex maniac for wanting it 1-2 a week and want to give and receive oral." The majority of wives are not doing this. Becoming a mom with children makes you more conservative. By expecting this, you are making sex a chores and increasing the problem.
> 
> ...


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