# DH's problem with daughter



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I need some help.
My H is suffering from recurrent major depression, on meds and in counseling.
The most pressing problem in our house at this second-is the relationship between my H and our 14 year old daughter. To put it bluntly-he can't stand her. He says she's mean (she's extremely thoughtful of others), and that she thinks she knows it all. She is unbelievably smart and will challenge us-not our authority, only our established base of knowledge. The other morning she was talking about an article she read from NASA, and my H started yelling at her "you're wrong-you think you know everything!" and stormed out of the room. My daughter started crying, then stopped and said he hates me. I emailed him the article so he would see what she was taling about, and but he won't talk to her. I tried to tell her it was the depression talking. She raised a good point. Should she play dumb just becaues her father is depressed and appears threatened by someone elses knowledge. This just isn't healthy. There's only so many times I can say its the depression.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

No, this is not the depression. Well, not completely. 

I have major depression. I won't deny there are times my kids irritate the crap out of me, and I'm sure it's from the depression. But my parents, friends, and others will also irritate the crap out of me. 

Unlike your husband, however, I control that irritation. If I feel the need to say something, I do not snap, I simply calmly tell the person, "Look, I'm in a really bad mood at the moment, and I'm finding dealing with others a bit difficult. Could you give me some time and space and we can talk later?" I'm especially careful to do this with my kids, because I know how much it would hurt them if I snapped and said, "You're irritating me! Go away!"

Whatever is going on between them may be worsened by the depression, but it is not because of the depression. Is he her bio father? If not, maybe there's some resentment that's been building up (that maybe he didn't even recognize) that's now coming out like this. Bio or not, how has their relationship been in the past? Have they always had...conflict? I don't know that that word is quite right, since it sounds like he's doing it and she's just kind of stuck taking it, but it's the only word I can come up with. 

Does he go to counseling by himself? If you go, maybe you could bring up the situation with daughter? If he goes alone, maybe you could suggest he discuss his relationship with daughter with his therapist? Maybe he doesn't even know what is going on, and discussing it with his therapist would help him figure it out and then begin to deal with it in more appropriate ways.


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