# Seperated wife will not talk.



## gingerbear (Sep 12, 2015)

Hi wife and me have now been separated for 2 months, my daughter teenager live with her and my son another teenager lives with me, we separated due to me being moody and shouting at daughter a lot over nothing looking back, anyway before she left she said we will still be friends and come around for dinner ever now and then, the day she left we both cried for hours and she was sick, I had to go to work (new job of 2 days). the last thing she said was don't worry I will be back in 6 months. Since her going she will not communicate at all, text, phone calls and e mails, I did go and see her after work and she just said text me, I did and nothing of any reply. I just don't know what to do next.


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

She wants her space. The worst thing you can do is show up at her workplace unannounced.

You need to make it about what she wants not what you want.

She obviously wants you to leave her alone for a while, so respect her wishes and do that. 

Also learn anger management. Uncontrolled anger is a relationship destroyer and you've got boatloads of it.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wow, it seems she used the daughter to escape an abusive marriage. Are you abusive ? Sound fimiliar ?

To start 
Both children are both of your's?
Ages of you and family members
Length of relationship ?
Issues in your marriage, with her and your children?
History of both your's and WAW. 
Why did you split custody?
Financial situation ?
Mother and daughter staying with....?
What is a WAW
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...rriage-recently-found-out-2.html#post13105770


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What about your son, is he in contact with his mother?

Why would she leave her son with an abusive father?

I have a hard time believing she left to protect her daughter from just yelling. What else did you do?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You need to understand and do the 180


----------



## gingerbear (Sep 12, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Wow, it seems she used the daughter to escape an abusive marriage. Are you abusive ? Sound fimiliar ?
> 
> To start
> Both children are both of your's?
> ...


----------



## gingerbear (Sep 12, 2015)

We have been together for 21 years, I do not hit anyone, I do shout a lot, it has only happened in the last 3 years, the children are old enough to make their own decisions who they wanted to be with 16 and 15 years old, I did loose my farther 7 years ago and mother 4 years ago then made redundant 3 years ago I did find a job straight away, I pay all my bills, mortgage and joint loans, she pays for her rented property.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you need to see a psychologist to control your anger. This shouting business has caused you separation and damaged your relationship with your children. Work on yourself to be a better person. 

Invite your wife on date nights, her alone. Perhaps, you can make her love you again...Marriage counselling is in order for the both of you as well.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi GB,

Thanks for the update, it is a start. First my years in sales taught me my reality and the actual reality don't matter if you want to fix this problem. She is a WAW at this point and her reality is the only place to start. Right wrong. Or indifferent it is her perception that is the starting point. Accept this or file. I am saying you first need to see it from her point of view and work from there. I AM NOT SAYING ACCEPT WHATEVER SHE SAYS, OR DO WHAT EVER SHE SAYS.

Have you read the link I sent you? Have you used the advance search function to look up WAW or the fog. A lot of people will start posting she is in an affair. Maybe but maybe not. You mentioned you began yelling three year ago. That is a long time, it is easy to see how a spouse can detach and WA. 

Seriously are you hear in an attempt to fix things, or looking for a pat on the back? A lot of people here who will have your back if you let them.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

ps: minus the affair does this sound familiar 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...277794-my-wife-thinks-she-love-co-worker.html


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Gbear, I don't think your wife is having an affair. What she did was to escape with her child, that she thinks needs protection. If you are telling us that you yell a lot. Then, multiple that by 10 and that's what you are doing. Your wife is afraid for herself and your child. I bet you get really close up when you yell. And you are so angry, you wouldn't listen to reason. A lot of blaming and name calling. I guess you don't yell at your son, he must be the good child. 

Your wife is worried that one day you are going to lose control and hurt someone. Living without you is peaceful and safe. That is why she does not want to talk to you.

Give your wife space to take care of herself and nurture your daughter. Make sure your son is keep in contact with his mum. Don't talk bad about your wife to him. Don't make him choose, ask if he wants to spend time with mum. Speak to your wife only about your son, to ensure he is connected to his mother.

You have to get some help to control your anger. Until you can take control of this, your wife will not be able to trust you. So work on you. Figure out why the hell you are so angry. And learn how to stop yelling at your family.

Be the Dad that your daughter can love and be proud of. The father who protects, nurture and loves her. Good luck


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Separation is just like it sounds, being apart. Give her space and take the time to re evaluate yourself and the marriage. Your showing up at her job was a sadly desperate move, and probably did you more harm than good. Get yourself some counseling and work on being a better person and a good dad. Don't contact your wife again, let her make the next move, if it's done so be it, but if she gives you another chance down the road show her you recognized your issues and have taken steps to correct them.


----------



## gingerbear (Sep 12, 2015)

hi, thanks. She is not having an affair, I did ask and she told me that she just wanted time to sort her head out, yes I want her back, I sent some flowers 2 weeks ago and have heard nothing, my daughter will not speak to me either phone, text or email, yes my son sees his mum whenever he wants and sometimes stays the night, I would never stop him.


----------



## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

First and most important, seek professional counseling for any and all anger issues. Next, start the 180 for yourself because it appears she is a WAW. I do not buy the theory that she is afraid for the safety of her children because she did not take the son too. I think she has other issues with herself and just used your yelling as an excuse to bail. 

I would concentrate all my efforts on myself right now because she is not interested in working on the marriage or she would at least respond to some sort of communications. Have you suggested marriage counseling? 

In the mean time, as a precaution, I would secure my financing. I would move my money into my own accounts and let her pay her own bills. This might make her communication skills better.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I guess she likes it better now. No one to yell at her, no walking on eggshells all the time. Peace and quiet. That migh have its appeal to her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife had a job? If so, what percentage of your joint income does she earn?

I agree with those who say that her leaving because of your angry outburst at your daughter makes sense.

What did your outbursts towards your daughter about? What were you so angry at her?

Did you yell at your wife in the same manner?

Why didn't you have these outburst towards your son?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what kind of counseling or anger management program are you currently, in others words what you personally done to address the issues you separated on?


----------



## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

Gingerbear,

Here is something very important that you need to do for your protection in the event that you do have any person to person contact with your wife or daughter, and that is purchase a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR).

Keep this with you at all times and record your conversations. This will protect you against false allegations in case they decide to call the police and accuse you of domestic violence. It will also document your emotions that you have not lost your temper or raised your voice when you do have discussions. 

I would purchase this today and keep it with me at all times even recording phone calls. This is for your protection and help you move forward in anger control management. You can review the recordings later and critique yourself on how you handled situations as well as use them in counseling with a professional therapist.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I feel like his wife just took the daughter away because she was worried that Gingerbear, was escalating in his yelling and or was going to become violent. Now that the two of them are together, life is so much better. No one is yelling or screaming. What ever the daughter was doing that made him angry, the wife most likely got blamed too. So he yelled at the wife too.

The son must be the good child. Good grades, doing as he is being told and not rebelling or going against dad. So he does not get yelled at. Or GB likes the son a whole lot more.

So the mum the what she thought was best. Take her daughter to someplace safe. I would have done the same but I would have taken my son too. Maybe, in order for her to be able to leave, GB demanded the son stayed. 

We all agree here that GB needs some serious anger management and conflict resolution therapy. He has to work hard at repair himself. If not then, the wife returning solves nothing. And they are in the same boat as before.

What do you think GB?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This sounds like the gist of it.



brooklynAnn said:


> I feel like his wife just took the daughter away because she was worried that Gingerbear, was escalating in his yelling and or was going to become violent. Now that the two of them are together, life is so much better. No one is yelling or screaming. What ever the daughter was doing that made him angry, the wife most likely got blamed too. So he yelled at the wife too.
> 
> The son must be the good child. Good grades, doing as he is being told and not rebelling or going against dad. So he does not get yelled at. Or GB likes the son a whole lot more.
> 
> ...


If you have continuous anger issues, it will take a LONG time before she ever trusts you again, and it will likely NEVER happen unless she sees YOU going to a therapist for MONTHS.

So she's been gone two months because of YOUR anger - so I ask you: are you in therapy to stop the anger? In two months, you should have done SOMETHING by now to fix it. If you haven't, that speaks volumes and, frankly, I'd have nothing to do with you, either.


----------



## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

As it looks now, it is a win win situation for both sides. The WAW and daughter has her peace and quite and new life without Gingerbear to yell at them for whatever reason and Gingerbear has a stress free peaceful life without the WAW and daughter to agitate or aggravate him. So at this point he does not need to pony up for anger management counseling if the WAW has no intention of re-entering his life.

Just a thought until we have more information from OP.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>She is not having an affair, I did ask and she told me that she just wanted time to sort her head out,<

You do know the statistical probability of someone saying "Why yes, yes I am having an affair" is roughly the probability of winning a Lotto right?

No, I dont see a huge number of red flags. Just don't discount them if you get them. 

You did set ground rules RE dating?


----------

