# Blended family



## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Working ladies in blended families, how do you split your budget between you and husband?

Do you pay solely for your kids from previous marriage?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I'm on the other side of that equation, my GF has a son from a previous marriage, the 3 of us live together. My children are grown but I still support my younger daughter to some extent.

We split everything such as vacations, food, utilities, so I'm essentially paying half of his day to day living expenses and that sort of thing. 

Things he needs for himself (clothes, sporting equipment, hobbies, spending money, camp, extrcurricular activities, school lunch money, etc), that's on her. She gets some help from her almost broke exhusband who pays for his phone and some of the items he wants or needs. Sometimes I'll get him something he needs. Not often, but sometimes. 

Hope this helps.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yep.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

browser said:


> I'm on the other side of that equation, my GF has a son from a previous marriage, the 3 of us live together. My children are grown but I still support my younger daughter to some extent.
> 
> We split everything such as vacations, food, utilities, so I'm essentially paying half of his day to day living expenses and that sort of thing.
> 
> ...


yes, thank you it was helpful
is your income pretty much equal as your GF's?


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Yep.


answer "Yep to question "How" is cute  but not informative


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BeautyBeast said:


> is your income pretty much equal as your GF's?


I make about 3x as much as she does.

Which she reminds me of on a regular basis.

When we first met, and the three of us would go out to dinner, she'd always offer to pay, almost insist on it, because she was "careful" not to allow me to spend money on her son.

Nowadays she has no problem with me paying because "we're family".

Not sure quite when that happened.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

When you're married, it's all your money. Who cares where it goes, as long as it's not reckless and both spouses are bringing in income. 

I make 3x what my fiance makes and work many more hours. But she does way more around the house, such as laundry, cleaning, meals, etc.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

browser said:


> I make about 3x as much as she does.
> 
> Which she reminds me of on a regular basis.
> 
> ...


Maybe when you moved in together? 😂 That is pretty much how it happened with my sister's kids when she and my brother-in-law married. Her ex would pay for a few things, but figured that his financial obligation ended at the children's benefits my sister received on their behalf, because he is disabled. My sister's second husband has no problem making sure her kids' needs are met. In fact, when my niece bought her first car a few weeks ago, when she turned 16, her stepdad helped her, as well as my sister, pay for it... AND he did/does the routine maintenance on the vehicles. That is something her father has never done.

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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BeautyBeast said:


> answer "Yep to question "How" is cute  but not informative


Your second question was a yes/no question. I think that's what @Hope1964 was answering.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> When you're married, it's all your money. Who cares where it goes, as long as it's not reckless and both spouses are bringing in income.
> 
> I make 3x what my fiance makes and work many more hours. But she does way more around the house, such as laundry, cleaning, meals, etc.


It matters @GuyInColorado, because most subsequent marriages, such as yours fail a whopping  67% of the time, and when that happens, you don't want to be giving half of your lifelong assets to your soon-to-be-exwife along with spousal support that is typically ordered in cases such as yours where you make significantly more than she does.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

browser said:


> It matters @GuyInColorado, because most subsequent marriages, such as yours fail a whopping  67% of the time, and when that happens, you don't want to be giving half of your lifelong assets to your soon-to-be-exwife along with spousal support that is typically ordered in cases such as yours where you make significantly more than she does.


This is an unfortunate reality that people need to consider when re-marrying, especially when blending families--second marriages where kids/blending families are involved have a much higher rate of failure than second marriages where there are no kids in the picture.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> Your second question was a yes/no question. I think that's what @Hope1964 was answering.


Yes, thanks, I was answering yep to the second question. I paid for pretty much everything for my kids as they grew up. I used to earn more than him, although when we met I was on welfare. Incidentally, him paying for his own stuff (groceries mostly) before we moved in together was actually part of what got me kicked off welfare.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes, thanks, I was answering yep to the second question. I paid for pretty much everything for my kids as they grew up. I used to earn more than him, although when we met I was on welfare. Incidentally, him paying for his own stuff (groceries mostly) before we moved in together was actually part of what got me kicked off welfare.


How did that impact you, since you weren't married or living together? Just curious, I don't know much about how that stuff works.

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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> How did that impact you, since you weren't married or living together? Just curious, I don't know much about how that stuff works.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


How did what impact me - being on welfare? Or paying for everything? Or getting kicked off welfare?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> How did what impact me - being on welfare? Or paying for everything? Or getting kicked off welfare?


Sorry, should have been more specific! How did it get you kicked off welfare?

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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FeministInPink said:


> Sorry, should have been more specific! How did it get you kicked off welfare?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


The fact he was giving me money. That I wasn't declaring as income. Didn't matter that he was there eating our food, and that's what he was paying for. Some nosy neighbour obviously didn't like the fact I was getting some and reported that they saw his car there all the time. They actually sent a PI to spy on me!! (Who I saw and reported to the police because he was a creepy guy hanging out in the parking lot near a playground.) I had also bought a car for really cheap that they decided was worth more than I was allowed to own. So they said either sell the car and ditch the boyfriend or we're kicking you off so I told them to shove their $1 a month they were giving me just so I could stay on health benefits. So THEN because I wasn't 'on welfare' any more, my rent went up 200% (low income housing which actually isn't based on income) and I lost all my child care subsidies and my health benefits, and so I had to move so I moved in with him. This was all in 1996 and 97.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I live with my girlfriend and her son.She pays for everything he needs and we split groceries.She is too independent to let me pay for him and the difference in income when she was working was huge.She is about to have our baby so things will change.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

@Hope1964

You sound very bitter at the welfare system which was paying for your childcare and for your food and covering the bulk of your rent and your medical expenses, until they found out you had someone cohabitating with you and sharing expenses which you neglected to tell them. Considering the rampant abuse of the system and widespread fraud that costs the hardworking taxpayers money, don't you think it's understandable why they check up on welfare recipients and pull the plug when they realize there's unreported income?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Hope1964 Since you answered my question, I guess I have to respond, but I'm a little speechless. I hope your nosy neighbor got the bad karma coming to her.

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My gf has a son for whom she receives child support for. She pays for his stuff and I pay for my daughters. When we all go out we just take turns or pay for different aspects of the outing. For example dinner and movie. I will pay for the dinner and popcorn and she will pay for the movie tickets.

On vacation I never expect her to pay 1/2 because she and her son aren't 1/2 that equation. I always pay more, I make more, I am ok with that and works for us.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

browser said:


> @Hope1964
> 
> You sound very bitter at the welfare system which was paying for your childcare and for your food and covering the bulk of your rent and your medical expenses, until they found out you had someone cohabitating with you and sharing expenses which you neglected to tell them. Considering the rampant abuse of the system and widespread fraud that costs the hardworking taxpayers money, don't you think it's understandable why they check up on welfare recipients and pull the plug when they realize there's unreported income?


The problem with the welfare system is it seems to be all or nothing.There was a thread a couple of weeks ago and a poster was saying that he had been offered a job and it paid five dollars a week over the cut off point.The problem was he would lose his food stamps and his rent went up by a hell of a lot more than five bucks.It is the same I believe with child care,people are forced into low paying jobs and most of their income goes on childcare.
It has to be worth people's while to work,there has to be some dignity in earning a weeks wages and not seeing it disappear for something as basic as child care.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

browser said:


> Nowadays she has no problem with me paying because "we're family".
> 
> Not sure quite when that happened.


But she's right...you are family.

When I moved in with my husband and his daughter, we became a family. We were both working full time then (I now stay at home). If SD needed something and I was closer to the shops I would get it, if one of the dogs (who moved in with me) needed something and hubby was closer to the vet, he would get it. If I was dropping her at a scout camp and it had to be paid for, I'd pay. If hubby took one of the dogs to the vet, he'd pay for it. Everything became ours...our home, our daughter, our dogs, our money etc...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> @Hope1964 Since you answered my question, I guess I have to respond, but I'm a little speechless. I hope your nosy neighbor got the bad karma coming to her.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk




The nosy neighbors didn't make the rules. Yes, the rules suck. 

This is what happens because of so many cheaters. Those that really needed it like Hope get caught up in bad rules.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*When I was married to my RSXW, I provided what I could for my own two boys, and she provided for her three thuggish kids!

Occasionally, I'd offer her some cash that I had, but once when I gave her a c-note, she later pulled it out of her purse and funneled it to her oldest son(17) who used it to go buy himself a fix of pot and meth!

Calling her out on it, I quit giving her cash for convenience purposes, seeing that it was richly being used to perpetuate the lifestyles of dopeheadish freeloaders! 

The way I saw it, if she wanted to support that sordid lifestyle of theirs, she could just use some of her own millions!

Not that she didn't!*


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

browser said:


> @Hope1964
> 
> You sound very bitter at the welfare system which was paying for your childcare and for your food and covering the bulk of your rent and your medical expenses, until they found out you had someone cohabitating with you and sharing expenses which you neglected to tell them. Considering the rampant abuse of the system and widespread fraud that costs the hardworking taxpayers money, don't you think it's understandable why they check up on welfare recipients and pull the plug when they realize there's unreported income?


Allrighty then :scratchhead:

I did not have anyone cohabiting with me. He would spend the night a couple times a week. When he did he would pay for the food he ate, or he'd bring groceries over for all of us. I got a great deal on a car, paid less than half what they told me it was worth. Where am I ripping off the system??? 

The welfare system wasn't PAYING for my rent or my child care. I was getting $1 a month from them. I was receiving various subsidies from the municipal, provincial and federal government, all of which were based on income. Since I was 'on welfare' I didn't have to submit proof of income to them. So the second I got kicked 'off welfare' and had to send in proof of income, suddenly my subsidies all disappeared.

The SECOND I crossed their arbitrary income line, I slid WAY backwards as far as income. I was NOT living with anyone at that point. Suddenly my rent shot WAY up, I lost medical benefits for all 4 of us, I lost THREE child care subsidies, and help with things like car seats, school expenses, etc etc etc. I lost access to a bunch of 'low income' organizations that were available to me as a welfare recipient put out by churches and various charitable organizations. Tell me who, in the 'regular' world of people getting paid, would suddenly have their net income slashed by more than half and then be expected to pay MORE for everything they needed for their kids??? We had to move from a 3 bedroom townhouse with a yard, to a two bedroom (more like 1 1/2 bedroom) basement apartment in a shifty part of town. Me and my 3 kids - they were in kindergarten, grade 2 and grade 4 at the time. We had to move away from all their friends - luckily they got to stay at the same school and daycare.

Bitter? Not really - just incredulous more than anything, that the system is so VERY broken. How much do you think that PI costed the taxpayers??

ETA - for some reason I put in my previous post that I moved in with him right away. I didn't - I actually moved in with him a year after I got kicked off welfare.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeautyBeast said:


> Working ladies in blended families, how do you split your budget between you and husband?
> 
> Do you pay solely for your kids from previous marriage?


How are you handling this?


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

let me respond this: 
_Considering the rampant abuse of the system and widespread fraud that costs the hardworking taxpayers money, don't you think it's understandable why they check up on welfare recipients and pull the plug when they realize there's unreported income?_

Welfare system does not provide even for basic needs. They believe a child can live on $100/month. 
I know many people abuse welfare system, that's different story, but the fact is low income people who supposed to use the system can't afford it.
I pay 30K/year of taxes and I don't mind mothers with kids using these money.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> My gf has a son for whom she receives child support for. She pays for his stuff and I pay for my daughters. When we all go out we just take turns or pay for different aspects of the outing. For example dinner and movie. I will pay for the dinner and popcorn and she will pay for the movie tickets.
> 
> On vacation I never expect her to pay 1/2 because she and her son aren't 1/2 that equation. I always pay more, I make more, I am ok with that and works for us.



thank you for your response
what about common expenses, such as rent/mortgage and utilities?

who does most of housework?


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How are you handling this?



me handling this way:

I solely pay for my kids from previous marriage and my personal bills, including vehicle, insurance, gas etc.
all common expenses, including vacations are split proportionally to incomes (40/60)

I don't receive child support because my kids' dad run away from the country to avoid CS.

So, at the end of the day I live paycheck to paycheck, husband has extra money for discretionary expenses, because I have more kids to provide and more taxes to pay (he is self-employed).

I feel like I live with room-mate w benefits or business partner.

Husband says all families live like this, I have to give up and just pay for my mistakes from the past.

I don't have friends with blended families to ask. My GF pays 50/50 with her husband (no kids from previous marriages) although he makes more money. She is unhappy and thinking of divorce. that's the only experience I see.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BeautyBeast said:


> me handling this way:
> 
> I solely pay for my kids from previous marriage and my personal bills, including vehicle, insurance, gas etc.
> all common expenses, including vacations are split proportionally to incomes (40/60)
> ...


Your husband is an ass.

I paid for my kids because I could afford it. Once we got married, I was making slightly more money than him. I paid for all the kid expenses and for the food and utilities. He paid for the mortgage and for ALL of our entertainment and travel expenses. Now that the kids are grown and away from home, I make a bit less than he does but I also pay for more of our entertainment. I still pay food and utilities and he pays for the mortgage.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BeautyBeast said:


> me handling this way:
> 
> I solely pay for my kids from previous marriage and my personal bills, including vehicle, insurance, gas etc.
> all common expenses, including vacations are split proportionally to incomes (40/60)
> ...


I have to say, I agree with @Hope1964. Your husband is an ass.

He is saying, essentially, that your children are MISTAKES. Who DOES that?

He is ok with you, his wife, having to live paycheck to paycheck, struggling, while he has discretionary fun money. Who DOES that?

And he is telling you that all families live like this? That is a big, steaming pile of BS. No, all families do NOT live like this, and you've had enough examples here to show you that each family does what works best for them.

He didn't just marry you. He took on a family and became a stepfather to your kids, whose bio dad clearly bailed on them. But he is refusing to acknowledge that he has responsibilities for his FAMILY. His responsibilities to his WIFE. 

You guys are supposed to be a TEAM. What's yours is his and what's his is yours. That's what marriage IS. But he's decided that he's out for himself, a team of one, and you and the kids are on your own.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

BeautyBeast said:


> thank you for your response
> what about common expenses, such as rent/mortgage and utilities?
> 
> who does most of housework?


If you were to include nightly cooking in with housework then I do 60% she does 40%. If you eliminate that it's closer to 50-50

I pay all the rent mortgage and utilities. She pays me a couple hundred a month and takes care of all the grocery shopping


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I have to say, I agree with @Hope1964.
> He is ok with you, his wife, having to live paycheck to paycheck, struggling, while he has discretionary fun money. Who DOES that?



I am not really struggling. My pay is fine, I have enough for all mine and kids' bills, just nothing extra. Also, I find reasonable splitting rent, utilities, vacations and other common expenses proportionally to incomes. Actually, when reading others paying 50/50 with NOT equal incomes, I should consider myself lucky 

what bugs me is that kids are my sole responsibility


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BeautyBeast said:


> what bugs me is that kids are my sole responsibility


Does it bug you that they are your sole responsibility financially, or is it something else?

My kids were mine to discipline and not his. If I wanted him to step up I would ask, and he would, but I didn't want him initiating discipline. He isn't very good at it for one thing, and for another I'd been a single mom for their whole lives almost and was used to doing it myself, and they were used to me doing it, and it worked.

This should have been decided before you married, obviously, but since it wasn't you'll have to muddle through it now I guess. And kids do eventually leave home.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

I paid ~100% of my (step) daughter's care (excluding her health insurance) and contributing to her college education. It's been a privilege and an honor. She's priceless.


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## janebarrett581 (Feb 21, 2017)

browser said:


> @Hope1964
> 
> 
> 
> You sound very bitter at the welfare system which was paying for your childcare and for your food and covering the bulk of your rent and your medical expenses, until they found out you had someone cohabitating with you and sharing expenses which you neglected to tell them. Considering the rampant abuse of the system and widespread fraud that costs the hardworking taxpayers money, don't you think it's understandable why they check up on welfare recipients and pull the plug when they realize there's unreported income?




I don't think of as an abuse of the system. Is this person who moved in paying for the benefits that she lost? She works and welfare does not provide any luxuries in life. She has a low enough income to qualify. Her children would lose their already low middle income lifestyle. 



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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Does it bug you that they are your sole responsibility financially, or is it something else?


you are correct, him being an abusive ******* really bothers me too. I am realizing now that I have to leave


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

BeautyBeast said:


> Working ladies in blended families, how do you split your budget between you and husband?
> 
> 
> 
> Do you pay solely for your kids from previous marriage?




In our situation there is no your kid or mine. We have 7 kids all living with us. My ex pays half for a majority of extras for mine so overall they cost less than his 3 kids. Their mom pays nothing above child support. All of his income pays bills and food and normal living expenses. Mine pays for allowance, lunches and extra expenses like class rings hair cuts, clothing and lunch money. The remainder of my income and all of his child support goes into a joint savings. This arrangement was the result of months of discussion and some major fights but it works for us and money is the one thing we never fight about 


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I shared the same girlfriend who lived with us half of the time. She also had a husband who was OK with this and a son. I paid for our girlfriend's expenses and also her son when she was with us because they lived under my roof. However, when our girlfriend and her son were living with her husband, he paid and I never thought of paying for them. So my rule is that I support anyone living under my roof, no matter if they are mine of someone else's. I am the alpha male in the house and I take care of those who entrust their care to me. When our girlfriend lived with us full time before she got married, I picked up most of her expenses. She worked so I did not have to pay for all of her expenses. She made very good money so it was never an issue. When we went on vacation with her husband and he left his wife with me, I paid for her meals until she got back with her husband at the end of the night. Sounds weird, doesn't it but it makes a typical blended family seem less complicated. 

If I got divorced and married a woman with her own kids, I would pay for them unless they were disrespectful little twerps.  I might suspect that a woman married me just for support, so I would be leery of her motives for dating me prior to marriage. I am practical too. I can afford to support a large family and if love was there and proper respect from the kids, I would have no problem in supporting them all.


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