# Are you “best” friends with your spouse?



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I am not. My best friend is a guy I have worked with for almost 20 years. In fact, we are heading out to fly to Minnesota tonight to catch the Vikings game tomorrow night. My wife has very few friends. I would assume her mother is her best friend and not me either. It just got me thinking, how many of you are truly best friends with your spouse? Are you their best friend also?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*



RebuildingMe said:


> I am not. My best friend is a guy I have worked with for almost 20 years. In fact, we are heading out to fly to Minnesota tonight to catch the Vikings game tomorrow night. My wife has very few friends. I would assume her mother is her best friend and not me either. It just got me thinking, how many of you are truly best friends with your spouse? Are you their best friend also?


We are best friends. 

But she’s not my best guy friend, and I’m not her best girl friend. 

There’s a big difference.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes we are pretty much best friends. We enjoy spending time together.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Emerging Buddhist is DEFINITELY my best friend. I include him on things I don't show to anyone else. It's my understanding that I'm his best friend too, but I leave that to him to speak for himself. 

That being said, I don't take him to the hairdresser, and he doesn't take me out hunting. Point is: he is my closest friend, but he has his guy friends whom he meets for a beer and some chowder ... and I have my girl friends whom I meet for girl talk and lunch. But they are not even close compared to the friendship I have with him.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, and so there was one of two but now two who has become one.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My IC says it’s important that you are friends and do things that friends would do without the kids. It’s not imperative to be “best” friends. There are things I would not enjoy doing with my wife and she would say the same. Balance is the key I suppose.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'd say yes, because we generally can't stand people. But we don't lose sight of the fact we are first and foremost lovers.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

No, I don't bang my friends.
Nor do I have any desire to do so.
And she's just my GF....and we bang...so there's that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> No, I don't bang my friends.
> Nor do I have any desire to do so.
> And she's just my GF....and we bang...so there's that.


And I wouldn’t go to a football game with my wife...so there’s that. 

I wasn’t talking necessarily about sex. I guess my issue is, I don’t always put my wife first. She doesn’t put me first either. Working through it but it’s difficult sometimes.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*



RebuildingMe said:


> And I wouldn’t go to a football game with my wife...so there’s that.
> 
> *I wasn’t talking necessarily about sex*. I guess my issue is, I don’t always put my wife first. She doesn’t put me first either. Working through it but it’s difficult sometimes.


All relations with the spouse have a relationship to sex. If you're healthy.

" I don’t always put my wife first" you should.
"She doesn’t put me first either" she should.

My point was you should never equate "Best Friends" with your spouse.
You should always equate WIFE or HUSBAND with your spouse. 
Thus you bang your spouse, not your friends. 
You treat your spouse as an extension of yourself. Not as a friend. 
No matter how "nice" it sounds.

Words mean things......we tend to forget that for the sake of "kindness"


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## DieCastRN (Oct 18, 2019)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*



RebuildingMe said:


> I am not. My best friend is a guy I have worked with for almost 20 years. In fact, we are heading out to fly to Minnesota tonight to catch the Vikings game tomorrow night. My wife has very few friends. I would assume her mother is her best friend and not me either. It just got me thinking, how many of you are truly best friends with your spouse? Are you their best friend also?


I was not best friends with my ex wife. Honestly, if we hadn’t been married I wouldn’t have been friends with her, either. She just wasn’t a pleasant person and the only thing she ever really talked with me about was shopping. I got with her when I was young, stupid, and very insecure. 

I really am of the opinion that you should marry your best friend and that friends make the best relationships.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I would say that my wife and I are best friends. We have a lot of common interests, which is what pulled us together in the beginning. We have always gotten along great and called each other 'best friend' even before we started dating. We would even talk about the guys she was interested in or how a date went, etc. Over the years many of the married couples we befriended talked about how challenging it was to adjust to living with their spouse, but we have never been able to relate because we just fit together great. We do have separate interests and spend time doing them, and we are happy to share in each others interests. That being said, being best friends does not mean you will be sexually compatible. That seems to be the one area, where the two of us just don't fit together as well. 

In a long term marriage it is easy to take your spouse for granted. It takes work to remember to put them first and keep the effort to meet their needs/wants. I bet everyone could do better at that.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

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DieCastRN said:


> I really am of the opinion that you should marry your best friend and that friends make the best relationships.


This does not mean that you will have a great or even a good sex life. Which does play a role in how strong the marriage is.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I was never best friends with my ex. He and I got along good but I was happy just getting along and sharing the good times. 
And as I think about it further, I've actually never been best friends with anyone I dated. I keep being told that I should change that but mentally, I cant.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My husband was my best friend. I had other friends I saw occasionally but he was always the most important person.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

The wife and I consider each other best friends. We truly enjoy spending time and doing things together.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*

My husband and I have a very deep and caring relationship. I don't like throwing the word friend around. I treated my exH like a girlfriend and now I see the error of that.

I have one very close female friend. We talk about our families, analyze surmise all that stuff that women do. I have friendships with other women . They're all satisfying at different levels.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*



CharlieParker said:


> I'd say yes, because we generally can't stand people. But we don't lose sight of the fact we are first and foremost lovers.


This


StillSearching said:


> All relations with the spouse have a relationship to sex. If you're healthy.
> 
> " I don’t always put my wife first" you should.
> "She doesn’t put me first either" she should.
> ...


Plus this, resonates with me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*

I'm best friends with my EX spouse! :grin2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

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Affaircare said:


> @Emerging Buddhist is DEFINITELY my best friend. I include him on things I don't show to anyone else. It's my understanding that I'm his best friend too, but I leave that to him to speak for himself.
> 
> That being said, I don't take him to the hairdresser, and he doesn't take me out hunting. Point is: he is my closest friend, but he has his guy friends whom he meets for a beer and some chowder ... and I have my girl friends whom I meet for girl talk and lunch. But they are not even close compared to the friendship I have with him.


This woman is definitely my best and most trusted friend... there is nothing I can't share with her and being my best friend enhances being my wife, most trusted in all ways.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I also believe that a relationship, is more than sex and or physical affection. Because if only these two are met. Then neither is filled and it's just personal needs met without any obligation's. To both sides involved.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*

My wife happens to be my best friend. My ex was not, even in our good years. I also think you can have several best friends, although there may be differences in how each fits that role.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

We are. And we go to football games together all the time  Neither of us really has any other good friends. We just really enjoy doing stuff together, or with our kids and grandkids.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

We are definitely best friends, and I know he feels the same way. I don't really have any other friends. We spend almost all of our time together, doing things - "projects" we call them! - and share everything. We bicker and laugh, and tease and joke. He's just my favorite person and I wouldn't have it any other way!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

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RebuildingMe said:


> I am not. My best friend is a guy I have worked with for almost 20 years. In fact, we are heading out to fly to Minnesota tonight to catch the Vikings game tomorrow night. My wife has very few friends. I would assume her mother is her best friend and not me either. It just got me thinking, how many of you are truly best friends with your spouse? Are you their best friend also?


I have friends certainly. None that I wish to fly to another state to watch a football game. These friends I spend a day at classic car show. It never more then that. My W is my best friend because she is the one I would like to fly to another state for a football game or anything really. She is the one I like spending my time with the most.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If you are best friends with your spouse, is there a fine line between doing all the things together and not hanging out with others, and codependency? Is this not how codependency begins?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Are you “best” friends with your spouse?*



RebuildingMe said:


> If you are best friends with your spouse, is there a fine line between doing all the things together and not hanging out with others, and codependency? Is this not how codependency begins?


 @RebuildingMe, this is an EXCELLENT question!

It is my understanding that rather than being CO-dependent, we are inter-dependent. Here's what I mean:

Co-dependent people in a relationship are like two trees that lean on each other and have their roots and branches hopelessly entangled with each other. If one were to die or go away (for whatever reason), the other one would literally be in trouble because they'd fall over (leaning on each other), and half their roots and branches would be torn away. 

IN-dependent people in a relationship are like two trees across a field from each other. They stand on their own, and none of their roots or branches are entangled, and yet they never touch one another. If one were to die or go away, the other would literally carry on like nothing happened because no part of their lives touch. 

Inter-dependent people in a relationship are like two trees growing near one another. They don't lean on each other--each stands on their own--and yet some of their roots touch, and because their roots touch, as the trees grow some of their branches touch. They may even entangle a few roots and branches. If one were to die or go away, the other would feel and notice the loss but still be able to stand on their own. 

With that vision in mind (the two trees, standing on their own but with some entanglements by choice), an interdependent relationship is two people who are whole and complete all on their own without the other person, but because they truly LIKE the other person, they do enjoy their company and choose to share deeply and intimately with the other person. Now, to be a whole person, you can't do everything with the one person, but you can say "This other person and I are so compatible and have so much fun together, that I would hang out with them above any other person." This means it's reasonable to have other social connections (for example, I actually have friends at the hairdresser's and through church and from high school and couple friends), but if I had a choice between my HS friend and Beloved Hubby, I'd hang with him any day! 

Furthermore, I don't "lean on" or depend on Beloved Hubby for my own well-being, my emotions, my happiness, or my spirituality. I'm responsible for my own self, and he is responsible for his own self. In addition, there are not power struggles in interdependence because we aren't trying to control or get "power over" each other--in a codependent couple often one makes the other one responsible for their happiness or tries to control the other, etc. 

So to answer your question, nope. Being best friends and doing tons of stuff together isn't the start of codependency if you are whole individuals who stay personally responsible for yourself and your stuff. You just are choosing to hang out and enjoy the person you like best in the world...who also happens to be your spouse.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

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RebuildingMe said:


> If you are best friends with your spouse, is there a fine line between doing all the things together and not hanging out with others, and codependency? Is this not how codependency begins?


Understand my W is my best friend but she does not participate in my hobby(classic cars). Sure, sometimes she will come depending on the event location and weather but by and large this is my gig with my buddies. My W has her buddies and they have ladies dinner at each other homes and celebrate each other birthday together. That is my W gig. We do have our respective corner where we do our thing without the other. At the end of the day we both know we are there for each other.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

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RebuildingMe said:


> If you are best friends with your spouse, is there a fine line between doing all the things together and not hanging out with others, and codependency? Is this not how codependency begins?



One of my favorite things about my husband being my best friend, and spending so much time together, is that it's not all lovey-dovey/happy time -- we challenge eachother ALOT emotionally, and at least for ME, it has helped me out-grow some of my issues, and learn to be a more "real" person, with his support! He doesn't always react the perfect way to me (neither do I...), but that's part of the learning experience and the growth process. 

If it was co-dependent, it would be soul-sucking, not soul-growing!! :smile2:


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