# Orgasms and wishful thinking



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Hi.

I've opened a similar thread about a month ago but I felt my opening post was all over the place so I've deleted it. Second, more focused try is this one.

I've never seen or given someone an orgasm and it's something I wanted to do really bad since I've hit puberty. 

I'm 35 years old, my wife is 33 and our son is 4. We are 8 years together. We do not have any major issues in our marriage other than this. Sex is frequent and she generally craves my attention and time. She is at home with our son and I'm a CTO at a medium software company. She is my fourth sexual partner overall. 

At this point I believe this is the only issue we have or, to be honest, it's my issue and it is slowly eating me away. Several years into the relationship I've realized that it's not happening and that it's best to stop secretly hoping that it may happen one day so I've raised the issue. We talked about it and she admitted that she feels some kind of shame associated with the orgasms or letting go in front of me. I'm her only partner. She can reliably get an orgasm by herself any time she wants but she does it maybe few times per year. She prefers to have sex with me and she says that my penis, my fingers and my tongue are more enjoyable that her own fingers but she also said that the feeling is different and cannot explain how. Basically she told me she doesn't need orgasms, they are not worth the trouble and that I have nothing to worry about. She is perfectly happy with me.

Well, I wasn't happy. I've initiated more talks, bought books, bought toys for her. I've wanted to approach this issue constructively but all she heard is that I'm not happy, she is not good enough for me anymore, she is broken. Finally I became depressed and my self esteem crushed. She felt guilty and broken.

I've surrendered the issue. Told her that my insecurities and self esteem issues are my own and it's not her fault. I apologized for many mistakes that I've made and for hurt that I've caused and told her I'll do my best to accept the situation as it is. And I did. It took some months of working on myself and we got better. I got better considerably. She is happy again.

But, I fear I'm failing in my efforts. Last two years we didn't had any serious talk about it, just lightweight banter. She knows that the issue is still present and she has faith that it will be solved one day but doesn't want to do anything about it. I try my best not to raise the issue and just to enjoy everything else that is really great however I see the damage it did to me and it's still doing to me. I still feel like a failure. I still feel that the best thing I can do for a female orgasm is to leave the room. 

Last year I did something silly. I was on fetlife and some woman (financial domme) wrote in her profile that she wanted a hitachi magic wand as a gift. I bought it for her. I didn't want anything in return. I just wanted to contribute somehow. I don't know, sounds really pathetic when I think about it now. 

Any thoughts? Advice? Questions?

Thanks for reading.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I'm guessing your wife is either to embarassed to want to show you or feels that if she does and you still don't get her there, then you will feel worse - and so will she (like she failed you). 

It has always been a little difficult for me to O with a partner. I dislike having to give instruction - more that way, harder, now softer, etc. It kind of takes me out of the moment. I know they aren't mind readers and that's not fair - for them or me, but it was what it was.

Also, I was taught early on by my first husband that the pleasure should be more focused on him. So I never thought to ask for my own. 

When a guy would actually ask me or insist that it happen, it put a lot of pressure on (its mostly a mind thing for a lot of women). We need to be completely relaxed and feel safe - not feel rushed or overfocus on "getting there" (and that truly may be in your wife's mind). 

Now I have a bit more confidence in the bedroom and have fully realized that a guy gets a big smile on his face just from giving me that kind of pleasure. So I tend to relax a bit more - and stop wondering if he's getting bored because its taking so long!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Can your wife O by herself? 

You already know that interacting with women online and buying them gifts is wrong.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Most women don't have an orgasm through PIV. Does she enjoy you performing oral sex on her? If so does she orgasm when you do that? I don't understand why she is ashamed to have an orgasm in front of you. Did she grow up in a real religious family?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Most couples want nothing more than to make the other person happy, so if you would for a moment put yourself in your wife's shoes:

She is happy.

She enjoys being intimate with you.

She probably would do anything to make you happy.

You have now created a problem for asking her to want something for herself that she feels is not important for her to be happy.​
Now if you really want to give her an orgasm, you will probably have better luck trying to get her NOT to have one. If there is one thing pretty much ALL women despise is having a husband that tries to force them to have an orgasm AND make a big deal over it. Seriously, avoid contact with her erogenous zones the next time she is aroused and let her arousal build from within for quite a while BEFORE you even take off her cloths or try to touch her in any way. Then when you do touch her be EXTREMELY gentle and don't apply to much pressure as it will make her numb and unable to orgasm.

Best wishes...
Badsanta


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I have had three sexual partners (lame I know) and all of them apparently have organisms with PIV but all of them where very different.


One would start to involuntary muscle spasms and O within seconds of insertion. I probably should have stayed with her.

Another only really O'd when I got into her head. It was not healthy, but the less I seemed to want her the more she was into it.

Finally my wife may or my not O. She never has the spasms but she seems to reach a peak. Maybe she is just faking it, but I never felt that was my issue. I have tried to get her to talk about sex to make it more interesting but she refuses.

I guess that raises the question in my mind. Does no muscle spams mean no orgasm?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I guess that raises the question in my mind. Does no muscle spams mean no orgasm?


Probably depends on how strong her PC muscles are, but generally an orgasm is defined as vaginal contractions in the female.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TheStranger said:


> ...I've never seen or given someone an orgasm and it's something I wanted to do really bad since I've hit puberty.
> 
> ...Sex is frequent and she generally craves my attention and time.
> 
> ...


The good news is that you know this is your problem and not hers. You also know what she has told you, it is an embarisment thing in front of you and not you. You further know that pushing the subject nearly ruined your marriage.

My advice. Grow up and forget about it. Give her unconditional love, for you are a luckly guy. If you don't believe how lucky you are, read about all the couples who have serious problems. Make sure you make her feel loved in her love languages (Chapman's 5 LL) and make sure she feels safe in your arms. 

Good luck.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> I'm guessing your wife is either to embarassed to want to show you or feels that if she does and you still don't get her there, then you will feel worse - and so will she (like she failed you).


She can't explain why she feels shame especially how easily she accepted myriad of my kinks and done most of them one time or another. The thing is, she tried to masturbate in front of me and she couldn't do it. So, I think that me being a person is the main reason. 



peacem said:


> Sometimes it doesn't really matter what a guy does, or how skilled he is if she is mentally not in the right place. Does she suffer from anxiety or depression, any meds? Does she fantasize? Could you buy her a book of erotica and ask her to try come up with a fantasy of her own? I learned how to O when I learned how to fantasize really well.
> 
> Chatting to other women online and buying gifts is not the answer.


No anxiety, rarely depression, no meds. Not sure about fantasies, I think not. She recently got 50 shades of gray trilogy books and she devoured about 100-150 pages per day. Had sex every day and masturbated. Still, she didn't talk about fantasies.

Chatting with other woman online is ok in our marriage she actually encouraged it. We never discussed buying gifts though. But I don't think I'll repeat it.



badsanta said:


> You have now created a problem for asking her to want something for herself that she feels is not important for her to be happy.


Oh, I agree that I'm the problem. The thought that I'll never give someone an orgasm disturbs me. It is, and always was, the thing on my bucket list. 

You know what the irony is - rarely I can't orgasm and it upsets her. She gets insecure. Even cries sometimes. I already said it feels incredibly unfair to me...


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

TheStranger said:


> Oh, I agree that I'm the problem. The thought that I'll never give someone an orgasm disturbs me. It is, and always was, the thing on my bucket list.
> 
> You know what the irony is - rarely I can't orgasm and it upsets her. She gets insecure. Even cries sometimes. I already said it feels incredibly unfair to me...



That you are believe you are the problem is part of the problem. So if you got past it being your responsibility for her to orgasm, the problem you think you have, wrongly, might not be a problem at all.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

I thinks she'll get more orgasmic as she moves into her mid and late 30s.... just have some patience.

Secondly, penile orgasms can be harder to obtain for some, unless you use the right position (doggie style works at times). Use a combination of mouth and particularly hand. I'm often masturbating my partner to orgasm (and giving her oral too).



TheStranger said:


> Hi.
> 
> I've opened a similar thread about a month ago but I felt my opening post was all over the place so I've deleted it. Second, more focused try is this one.
> 
> ...


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Firstly, she is happy, so relax. Provided the two of you are happy then your sex life is fine, regardless of the details. If she feels you are tense or anxious, her O becomes impossible and you repeat the downward spiral you had before. If she really cared about O she would masturbate more than a few times a year. 

Second, try oral on her, or try other positions, eg doggy or her on top.

Third, discuss 50 shades, as an opening into her fantasies.


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

You sound like a nice guy who just wants to please his wife. In many ways, your relationship sounds similar to my own. While extremely well matched in most ways, my husband has never been able to even get me close to orgasm, although I have no problem on my own. I know that he would really like to fix this situation.

Is it possible that the very attention you give her during sex, and your clear desire to make her come – is the very thing preventing it? From the beginning, my husband would constantly ask things like “Is this good? Do you like this? Tell me what you want.” This was and continues to be crazy making! I can’t let go and focus on feeling, when I am constantly being brought back into my conscious mind.
Like your wife, I was also a virgin when I got married, and was very shy (although VERY interested.) If she admits to feeling a bit of shame – or more likely, self-consciousness – she really needs to be able to get away into her own head and just feel. Believe me, she is very aware of your desire to please her, and can’t let go because of both the pressure and that awareness. 

You write:
_“She can't explain why she feels shame especially how easily she accepted myriad of my kinks and done most of them one time or another. The thing is, she tried to masturbate in front of me and she couldn't do it."_
and
_"She recently got 50 shades of gray trilogy books and she devoured about 100-150 pages per day. Had sex every day and masturbated. Still, she didn't talk about fantasies."_

She sounds as if her sexual nature and drive are quite a bit higher and more complex than her words will admit, and also that she is turned on by more dominance (and less neediness.) She loves you enough (and values your marriage enough) to tell you that she is happy, and that it doesn't matter – even if it does. I used to say the same thing, because I didn't want my husband to feel so badly about the situation. Also, because of the underlying fear of “What might be the consequences if I can’t ever orgasm during sex with my husband? Not only would I feel frustrated, but I would also risk losing the husband I love and the family we've made together.” Those fears are visceral, and so I pushed down my desires and my frustrations for the first 25 years of my marriage. I’d hate to see your wife waste that amount of time. 

Notice the way you put this:
_"Basically she told me she doesn't need orgasms, they are not worth the trouble and that I have nothing to worry about. She is perfectly happy with me."_

She is not lying. She IS perfectly happy with you. But that is not the same as feeling perfectly happy with your (her) sex life. My suggestion would be twofold. First, make sure you read up on techniques on how to be a better lover, while focusing on being more “alpha” and less “needy.” Secondly, try to figure out ways for her to enjoy sex as unselfconsciously as possible.

(Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to multi-quote!)


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

> You sound like a nice guy who just wants to please his wife.


Thank you. But, on this theme, about giving orgasms I think it's more about me, my ego, my feeling of fulfillment, my desires. 



> Is it possible that the very attention you give her during sex, and your clear desire to make her come – is the very thing preventing it? From the beginning, my husband would constantly ask things like “Is this good? Do you like this? Tell me what you want.” This was and continues to be crazy making! I can’t let go and focus on feeling, when I am constantly being brought back into my conscious mind.


Not sure. For first few years I just secretly hoped that it will happen as we learn about each other or that she will show me one day what to do. Never said a word about it in order to avoid expectations or pressure. 

Then she got pregnant and her sex drive shut down. We were sexless for more than a year. I realized that if orgasms didn't happen already maybe it never will so I started asking questions. By the time we restarted our sex life I was already feeling defeated on the issue.

I stopped believing that I could do it. The mere thought seems ridiculous to me now. I just can't. I know all this affects her.



> She sounds as if her sexual nature and drive are quite a bit higher and more complex than her words will admit, and also that she is turned on by more dominance (and less neediness.)


Not sure about her drive. If I watch a lot of porn my drive goes up. That books are filled with sex so it's natural that sex will be more on her mind. She does have a responsive drive and her drive is easily turned on by porn or erotica.

I know about dominance for a long time. It doesn't come naturally to me but these days it's pretty standard that most encounters she is under my control. She especially likes dirty talk, slapping, biting and manhandling. Blindfolds and light bondage next in line.



> Secondly, try to figure out ways for her to enjoy sex as unselfconsciously as possible.


Can you elaborate on this? Or, can you give few examples? 

Thank you for the effort. *hug*


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

The stranger.

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with others here. TO me I would be upset if my lover could not O with me but choose to O exclusively on her own. Sex while in a relationship is about sharing not holding things back. I'm not saying it is within her control or that she is doing anything wrong, just that it wouldn't sit right with me.

I wonder if she has psychological barriers. Like if she thinks giving you her O face would make you think less of her, or maybe she has some fantasies that she sees as taboo and is afraid of what you would think of her if she shared them with you.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Couple of ideas...

Get her to relax. Hot tub and wine. Then have her use a vibrator (like the wand) on herself while you're piv. 

Another option is go to CVS. They sell vibrator you can put on your shaft for use during piv. 

These things may put her over the edge and get her an orgasm with you in her presence, while having sex with you, which could help get her "over the hump" mentally. But...you can't make that the overt goal lest she feel pressure to "perform".


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Summer4744 said:


> I wonder if she has psychological barriers.


This is for sure. If it was only know-how she would be able to do it in front of me herself. But, I don't think it has anything to do with me. I think it's much deeper but I cannot know for sure. She said lots of times that this is extremely hard for her, what I'm asking of her to do. I think she is on some level aware that solving this will include introspection and working trough some of her issues and she is not prepared to do that.



donny64 said:


> Couple of ideas...
> 
> Get her to relax. Hot tub and wine. Then have her use a vibrator (like the wand) on herself while you're piv.
> 
> ...


Thanks and I've tried it before. A coctail or two helps. She, on the other hand, dislikes toys. She wants only the real stuff and I went out of my way to get her top of the line gadgets. They're collecting dust.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

TheStranger, 
Surprise her with a trip to Colorado. By some stanky, sticky stuff, wine, nice dinner, hotel, some more stanky, sticky stuff, go back to the hotel, more wine, hot tub...................OOOOOOoooooooo.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi stranger, 

As you already know, if your wife doesn't want to reach for an orgasm then she won't have one no matter what you do or say. It is her mind that is in lock down, not her body. It isn't your technique, it isn't your skill as a lover. It is her mind and only she has the key to unlock it.

I hope I can explain this in a way that makes sense, regarding the 50 shades stuff but the allure is not in the wealth, not in the toys and not in what's his name's relative hotness. The allure is the sexual confidence and assertiveness, his absolute delight in her body, the way his desire for her is all consuming. It is pure fantasy because I think most women's alarm bells would go off with someone that intense. What's good about knowing your wife devoured those books is that we know she DOES respond to all consuming desire. And that is something you could do.

When you say you desire her orgasm, what you are desiring is her positive feedback. A man makes a woman orgasm and that means what ever he's done, he's done it right. Positive feedback. I don't blame you for how much this eating away at you. 

Imagine being a woman married to a man who can't ejaculate with you being present? A man who willingly has sex and says he loves sex with you but never ejaculates during sex with you. It would destroy most women's self confidence.

Your wife holds this key.

It's possible that in time she will relax more and allow herself to get there, but do you really want to wait 10-15 years for her to finally reach the "I don't give a fvck" stage?

Try to get her to understand how you feel. Remind her how upset she gets during those rare times you can't ejaculate and ask her how she would feel if you were like that 90% of the time. Then make an appointment with a sex therapist for both of you. I think you each need to work on this problem together. This isn't just her problem, although she holds the key. You need to be able to feel good about your sexual self independent of her feedback. She needs to try to unlock her mind.


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

TheStranger said:


> Can you elaborate on this? Or, can you give few examples?


To be honest, this is an issue I'm still working on as well!

There are a few things that help me, hopefully they would apply to your wife. The most obvious, of course, is a glass of wine (or two!) It makes me just fuzzy-headed enough that I'm able to shut down my rational brain and enjoy things more.

Anything that can minimize other senses will help diminish the distractions she can’t block out. The blindfold is an excellent idea, which I enjoy as well. I have considered trying some sort of small headphones to play some really soothing nature sounds – rain or ocean sounds perhaps. I have noticed that I have an easier time relaxing during sex when there’s a powerful rainstorm outside – I wish I could order one up on cue! 

I do have one other point to make, as gently as I possibly can. You stated in your first post



TheStranger said:


> I've never seen or given someone an orgasm and it's something I wanted to do really bad since I've hit puberty.
> 
> ....She is my fourth sexual partner overall.


If none of your four partners has ever had an O with you, might it be that (like my own husband,) as well-meaning as you are, perhaps your skills in the bedroom could use some refining? Your wife may have a difficult time telling you, because she loves you and there really is no easy way to relay this. Just a thought.

I think it's wonderful that you care enough to try to address this issue before too many years have gone by. Even if it is mostly about your ego (which is great that you can recognize and admit,) I bet your wife will be thrilled when you finally figure it out!


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

I think your wife will get more orgasmic once she crosses her mid 30s. Just wait and watch. You'll be surprised...

Women tend to peak sexually then.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

What were the ages of your four partners?

My wife tried desperately to orgasm in her 20s, and couldn't manage. In her 30s, she found it far easier.

And even I wouldn't claim that I've suddenly become a Casanova in bed~!



Lila said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I noticed this right away but could not find the right words to say it as eloquently and gently as you did.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

> Try to get her to understand how you feel. Remind her how upset she gets during those rare times you can't ejaculate and ask her how she would feel if you were like that 90% of the time. Then make an appointment with a sex therapist for both of you.


Thank you. She understands. But, understanding hasn't motivated her to be constructive about it. She feels guilty and broken. It's like I'm depressed because I want woman with two arms and she only has one.

Her reaction has actually been the opposite one. She tried, very hard, to talk me out of the idea of her having orgasms. She tried numerous times to do that.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

dismissed said:


> If none of your four partners has ever had an O with you, might it be that (like my own husband,) as well-meaning as you are, perhaps your skills in the bedroom could use some refining? Your wife may have a difficult time telling you, because she loves you and there really is no easy way to relay this. Just a thought.


Yeah. The thought that I just suck at it has crossed my mind, many, many times. Perhaps I do suck. Perhaps I'm just not cut out to do it. Why should everyone be a terrific lover? The law of averages is clear, someone needs to be on the other spectrum. 

If that is the case I don't think it solvable. If I ask I get rave reviews. Strictly by the numbers I should be ok. I'm a high drive male, very enthusiastic, my penis is above 7 inches in length, have a good stamina, I love being down there so much that I call it my kink and I've never lost an erection so far.

There is no refining if there is no one to show me or guide me. Perhaps it's just not meant to be for me.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

brownmale said:


> I think your wife will get more orgasmic once she crosses her mid 30s. Just wait and watch. You'll be surprised...
> 
> Women tend to peak sexually then.


You sound just like my wife.  But I'm not a man of faith. I see no reason that this situation will change by itself. I think she hopes for a miracle. I'm pessimistic.

My friends joked with me when she got pregnant that I should brace myself, drink plenty of fluids and vitamins if I'm planing to keep up with her sex drive. Unlike their wives, she went to no drive and we were sexless for more than a year.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> Hi.
> 
> I've opened a similar thread about a month ago but I felt my opening post was all over the place so I've deleted it. Second, more focused try is this one.
> 
> ...



Mrs.CuddleBug only has orgasms using the silver bullet vibrator I bought her and oral from me. PIV alone she likes, the oneness, closeness and sensations but she never has an orgasm from PIV.

She too has told me, she doesn't need orgasms but I know this is due to her being LD vanilla and still insecure about her body.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> Y
> 
> There is no refining if there is no one to show me or guide me. Perhaps it's just not meant to be for me.


I think this statement is key. It sounds like you are making some active attempts to overcome this and that is great. The bottom line is that you need feedback from your partner.


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## JenG (May 20, 2015)

So sorry, I can only imagine how this must make you feel as a man. My H always says that my pleasure is his number one concern when we are making love.

I guess she feels ashamed of climaxing in front of you, or so she says. From experience, I will tell you that at times when I have masturbated regularly it has been harder for my husband to make me orgasm, even though our sex has always been awesome. We have been married for almost 20 years.

How about relaxing her a bit before sex, maybe drinking some wine or something and then you can maybe give her a sensual massage with oil (we use a Neutrogena one that smells amazing) and it may help her loosen up a bit?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> Thank you. She understands. But, understanding hasn't motivated her to be constructive about it. She feels guilty and broken. It's like I'm depressed because I want woman with two arms and she only has one.
> 
> Her reaction has actually been the opposite one. She tried, very hard, to talk me out of the idea of her having orgasms. She tried numerous times to do that.


I like your arm analogy, but it's inaccurate. She does have two arms, she has simply never seen and never developed her other arm.

I can imagine she does feel broken and would prefer to give up rather than figure out how to orgasm or what's stopping her from getting there.

You're going to have to ask her to give this a serious and earnest try. Ask her to change her mind about trying for orgasms and give your sex life a few months of really trying and really exploring honestly and if it still doesn't amount to anything, you will drop it entirely and still love her as you always have.

First, she needs to communicate openly about her arousal level during various aspects of sex. does she enjoy breast play? Does she enjoy having her clit rubbed? Does she enjoy kissing? Does she notice any increase in her arousal? Have you noticed her lubricating? 

Ask her to read these links and then ask her the above questions. If she can't answer them, then she has never tried to get there and I know from my own experience, if she has never tried to get there, she is unlikely to ever get there.

Female Orgasms: Myths and Facts


There’s Help for Women Who Can’t Achieve Orgasm — Health Hub from Cleveland Clinic


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## Leftyplayer (May 24, 2015)

Don't waste too much time trying to figure out if it's her problem or your problem. The answer is that it is both of your problem. She may have some psychological barriers, but there's probably something about you too that is getting in the way. In this post, your eagerness about it all stands out and, even if you are not verbally expressing it, it's got to be showing.

Having said that, better that you care than not. So hold on to that desire to please your wife, just don't make it the be all, end all. 

I don't think the fact that she couldn't masturbate in front of you suggests a psychological problem or block. Masturbation is it's own thing and tends to be done alone, so it's not always easy to just go ahead and do it in front of someone. Women are taught to "perform" for men sexually, so masturbating for our own pleasure and masturbating for a man are two very different things. I know I don't look sexy or cute AT ALL when I'm masturbating on my own, but if I were to do it with my husband watching, I'd kind of be doing it for him and I'd put all kinds of pressures on myself that might get in the way of my own pleasure. 

Women also through more cycles and phases than men. If she says she's happy and you feel she's being genuine about that, take the pressure off yourself to make this happen. Don't stop trying, just don't feel so bad about it or set a time frame. She might become more orgasmic with time.

Finally, try teasing and getting in her head. Sometimes when men get over-eager to please, they sort of go harder at it, rather than gentler -- and she might need you to just tease. Build her up over time. Bring her to a pleasurable place and then tell her if she's a good girl, maybe next time you'll take a little further


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Thank you for your suggestions girls. The thing is, I don't believe it will happen. It's not up to me and she is not willing. She knows everything and it didn't persuaded her to do anything concrete about it. 

Main purpose of this thread or my goal is to accept this situation so it doesn't affect me and my self esteem. Perhaps there is no good advice about that. I not hoping that I'll eventually be able to give her or anyone an orgasm. I'm just sad and depressed how all this turned out. I do feel less of a man. Ashamed.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Did you try D/s? She read 50shades. The reason I am asking it maybe you could introduce to you play orgasm denial? When she needs to get your permission to do it, even by herself. And not neccessary getting it right away. Make her work and beg for it, instead of trying to give it to her. it's worth a try, i think.

I actually have a friend who has that problem. She can do it by herself, not with a partner. But this is because of ten year old dry run in her marriage, where her husband rejected her over and over again, and made her feel bad about her own sexuality.
she is working on it now, has a very patient partner, who puts no pressure on her, and knows the deal.


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