# Do All Men Shut Down?



## antsypants (Feb 21, 2010)

Do all men shut down when it's time to talk about emotions? Every time I cry or need to talk to my fiance about something that is bothering me, he just shuts down and acts like a complete jerk. He says my crying and having emotions annoys him.

HELP!


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

No, antsypants, not all men shut down at those times. But it does sound like your fiance needs to open up a lot before you start a long life together! Are you part of, say, a church community where they have discussions about preparing for marriage - might be useful!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Steve is right. This is a marriage headed for disaster--you "annoy" him by having emotions? That is a big problem. I personally do not have a lot of sympathy for people who are RULED by their emotions, or who cry to get what they want--but sadness, fear, etc., are normal feelings everyone should be able to express to someone who loves them. 

If he does not want to talk about what bothers you, he's not ready to be married. Communication--esp. about the hard stuff--is 100% essential to a successful marriage. Explain that and see what he says. If he thinks marriage means lots of sex, kids, and fun, without any of the "real" stuff, like disagreements, disappointments, etc., he's in for a big shock. Would he rather you cry on the shoulder of a more understanding guy? Does he know that sharing HIS feelings will help YOU feel closer to him and the exchange of feelings is essential to building the kind of intimacy that will keep a woman attracted to a man after the initial flame dies down? You definitely need to seek pre-marital counseling and if he won't, he's not the guy for you. He won't change just b/c you get married!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

that is really sad. my H does not shut down if i cry in front of him. He holds me and talks to me.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

antsypants said:


> Do all men shut down when it's time to talk about emotions? Every time I cry or need to talk to my fiance about something that is bothering me, he just shuts down and acts like a complete jerk. He says my crying and having emotions annoys him.
> 
> HELP!


If you appear really desperate in those moments, then yes, there are men out there who behave that way, mine included. He doesn't shut down every time i cry or need to talk, i just had to figure out that he hates seing me weak and insecure beacause he's clueless of how to react so he gets angry. 

Highly rational people who trust their logic more than their feelings are indeed like that and they just plain don't understand that kind of behaviour (crying and being desperate over something that would just make them sad and introspective). This is not to say he's having a good approach or fair, because he's not and he should learn that people behave in different ways. I wouldn't hurry to call any of you wrong on this one because you just have wayyyy different life phylosophies on this. You could be a little calmer and in control, he could be more understanding and nurturing. If you don't see this as a marriage-ending thing, try a different approach of reaching out for him when you're sad. I dunno, maybe try to calm down and not cry so much before you talk to him. As i said, it's not your duty to do this, and i know that's your personality and you want him to accept you just the way you are. And he really should. But it's about the only advice i can come up with.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Nekko said:


> If you appear really desperate in those moments, then yes, there are men out there who behave that way, mine included. He doesn't shut down every time i cry or need to talk, i just had to figure out that he hates seing me weak and insecure beacause he's clueless of how to react so he gets angry.
> 
> Highly rational people who trust their logic more than their feelings are indeed like that and they just plain don't understand that kind of behaviour (crying and being desperate over something that would just make them sad and introspective). This is not to say he's having a good approach or fair, because he's not and he should learn that people behave in different ways. I wouldn't hurry to call any of you wrong on this one because you just have wayyyy different life phylosophies on this. You could be a little calmer and in control, he could be more understanding and nurturing. If you don't see this as a marriage-ending thing, try a different approach of reaching out for him when you're sad. I dunno, maybe try to calm down and not cry so much before you talk to him. As i said, it's not your duty to do this, and i know that's your personality and you want him to accept you just the way you are. And he really should. But it's about the only advice i can come up with.


excellent point.

when my wife cries i know there is something wrong cause she doesnt do it very often. on the other hand, if she cried all the time about everything i would grow impatient with it. 

i would also add that you arent married yet and i assume you are younger. he may still be immature as to how to handle this issue and may grow to understand you better in time.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

antsypants said:


> Do all men shut down when it's time to talk about emotions? Every time I cry or need to talk to my fiance about something that is bothering me, he just shuts down and acts like a complete jerk. He says my crying and having emotions annoys him.
> 
> HELP!


SLAP him square in the face with everything you've got and tell him to not be so emotional!!!!


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