# Well...it's done



## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hi all...it has been a very long time. Someone from the site actually reached out to me not too long ago to see how I was. Well not good. My wife continued on a downward spiral. It led to me having to save my children. I won't get into it on here due to legal issues but it was very bad. Their lives were in danger. There has been poor behavior and other things. Finally not too long ago she gave them a cell phone to play with and all things were revealed. I fought hard to save the marriage but I have my limits and we are proceeding with divorce. The thing is though that the kids no of her extra-marital the affair and I struggle as she does not know that they know. They want to tell her as they are so very hurt and angry but I told them to wait for now until maybe I get some professional advice. Anyone else ever been in this situation?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I haven't been in your situation, but I'd made the kids a priority. Who cares what your wife knows or doesn't know. Keep protecting them from her, and don't poke a sleeping bear. Get counseling for the kids so that they can process the infidelity and learn that infidelity is not part of a healthy relationship. You can the counselor can make the determination about what's healthy for the kids in terms of them expressing their hurt and anger. Your wife sounds like an awful person, but if she's stable at some point, maybe she'd be willing to come to a counseling session with the kids where you're not present. That might be the safest place for them to express themselves. To reiterate, this counseling session wouldn't for your wife's benefit--it's purpose would be to accomplish whatever the counselor thinks is in the best interest of your kids.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get with your IC, someone who knows you inside and out, and give credence to what they say you should do regarding this, more especially with your kids!

Best of luck to you all!*


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I am sorry for all of your troubles. I have gone through this twice with the same wife, and all the way through I have kept my children apprised of what is happening so that they are not confused, they do not blame themselves, and they don't misunderstand why their family has been split in such a horrible way. Children need to know the truth. Your wife will obfuscate the truth. You need to set them free with it. Otherwise they will be morally confused. Take heart knowing that kids are resilient, strong, and know the truth and wisdom when they are exposed to it. It is your job to be their source of love, wisdom, and balance. 

As far as your spouse goes, you should go dark with her and eliminate all direct communication. Do not try and raise your kids in partnership with a wayward and foggy parent. You parent on your side and be 100% transparent and truthful with your children, and let your wife parent on her side. Never the twain shall meet.

If you do a great job of raising your children, you will be the rock--the solid ground--they can stand on and depend on. This is not an opinion; it is a fact based on the experience of many others and my own experience as well. From this point on, separate yourself from the toxicity of your wife and protect your children as much as you can when they are with you. Can you do this?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'd suggest you get your children into therapy as soon as possible so they can learn to process their anger and hurt.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Thanks to all for the advice. I went dark on the boards here for a bit as I tried hard to save our marriage but ultimately could not. I agree that the children should know what is up, should know who initiated action (my wife filed after her family confronted her about her behavior) and understand that things aren't normal. It has been a long hard road and it us only going to get tougher as our family was really close. Really tight. She was a great loving woman. I don't know her anymore. I would get into details but not sure if she is on this board. Needless to say if I went down the list of things one does during a midlife crisis she hit 9 out of 10.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If your children wish to confront her and air their feelings to her, I feel they are very much within their rights to do so.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My answer to the children's questions would revolve around the fact that their mother lost her way.

Be the bigger person.

And tell them that it is your wish that she finds peace. Even if it is a broken piece.

Be their hero and rock...as others have said.

....................................................................................................................

Please Note:

I am a hypocrite, have a large admixture of Scorpio within.... have revengeful tendencies, 

Children deserve none of this. None should be displayed to them. They do not need it. They simply do not.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I suggest the kids communicate their feelings via the written word. Writing it all out will give them a chance to say what they want to say as succinctly as possible. They can edit their hearts content until they have expressed exactly what they want to express and in the way they want to express it. Then, they can either give their letters to their mother or not as they choose.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

She has yet to consent to therapy. She wants to know what they are saying o r will say. She "wants details" and I won't break their trust.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you taken them to therapy?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

How old are the kids?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> She has yet to consent to therapy. She wants to know what they are saying o r will say. She "wants details" and I won't break their trust.


"Your wife wants..."

Well, isn't that precious? She destroys you, she destroys the family and she destroys the children.

But, by gum, she knows what she wants! 

What she wants should not be a part of the equation.

She gets what you and the children might be gracious enough to grant her. And nowt else!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

tailrider3 said:


> I don't know her anymore. I would get into details but not sure if she is on this board. Needless to say *if I went down the list of things one does during a midlife crisis she hit 9 out of 10*.


Been there and seen it 1st hand. And, think about this... What "WE" know for fact is probably less than half of what really happened. There's always the other half that will "go to the grave".

Maybe for the better.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

13 and 9


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hope you get a good attorney.

have a VAR on you to protect you from her claiming abuse.

keep your contact with her to a minimum and do most thru your attorney.

She is not entitled to know anything other than the kids.

Will she give you a "reasonable" D?


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Good question. When she asked to separate I was eventually like okay what's the plan as we can't just afford two houses. Silence. Then she asked for legal separation and I asked to fill out the net worth statements together so we agree and talk custody. Silence. Then she filed for divorce and I had to force her to fill out the net worth statement and get a date. Still silence.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't know if the D should stand for divorce or denial.

Some people really don't live in reality. What did she think divorce would be like? Without effort, choices, and consequences?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

tailrider3 said:


> Good question. When she asked to separate I was eventually like okay what's the plan as we can't just afford two houses. Silence. Then she asked for legal separation and I asked to fill out the net worth statements together so we agree and talk custody. Silence. Then she filed for divorce and I had to force her to fill out the net worth statement and get a date. Still silence.


13 and 9

Hmm, 

Tell them that shes still their mom and she loves them. Then explain that it up to them on how much they want to trust her. And that through her actions she can earn their trust back. Just like when they do wrong and have to earn trust back. 

As for divorce don't ever trust her again. Get a lawyer and let him/her advise you.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Dunno. I think she wanted to have her cake and eat it too or she really is mentally ill, which I believe is the case. I mean I and the kids have seen her at times sitting alone staring angrily into space. She even scared her own family with her behavior. Of course it was my fault though as I was preventing separation. You see, despite me being domesticated I lead everything and she wanted me, it appears, to plan out the separation details. No way. I told her you want it then you come to me with some thoughts and I will tell you if I agree. Also I told her to get a job as money doesn't grow on trees. I had it all in emails and showed her family. She did nothing as she can't handle stress well and she lives a nice life.


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