# Trying to leave my angry controlling husband



## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Hello I’m Sunray and here’s my story, shortened as much as possible. 

My husband (H) and I have been married for 12 years, together for 15. We have 2 daughters both under the age of 10. My H has SEVERE anger management issues, which he fully acknowledges. He also has this “sense” that everything should be “just so” or “Just so” the way he sees it. 

He has called my horrible names, makes me the butt of his jokes in public and private and belittles me or “calls me out” in public settings (parties, weddings, at my job, in the grocery store). Things were rough from the beginning, but I thought this was normal as I was 21 and he was 28 and would beg him to stop “being mean to me” and he informed me that it’s normal for couples not get along, and I thought he was sooo smart. 

Things got really bad after our 1st daughter was born and I became a stay at home mom. Nothing was ever clean enough, I wasn’t allowed to be tired because I wasn’t working and basically everything I did was questioned and criticized. I felt like a free loader off of him as he would always compare me to other mothers that work and why couldn’t I. I would ask to go to ( c) because I felt he wouldn’t listen to me every time I told him he was hurting me he would say “you’re to sensitive, you blow everything out of proportion and I am the way I am, deal with it, no we are not going to counseling we’re normal and fine.” He told me the reason he gets so angry is because I pi** him off, so basically stop pi**ing him off. Problem is everything pi**es him off. 

I would try and please him, kept the house clean as possible, cooked his favorite foods, is frugal with $$ and after our 2nd daughter I started working part time. Things didn’t get better it got worse. I started resenting him. I couldn’t talk to him about ANYTHING finances, kids, friends without him yelling at me or telling me to fu** off, go fu** myself in front of children mind you. Having sex with him was impossible, I would “perform my wifely duties” weekly but felt violated and repulsed the entire time. He would pressure me into doing things I wasn’t comfortable with because I don’t trust him and have spent the last 8 years of our marriage trying to stay out of his way and stay on his good side. 

Somewhere some how a voice inside my head said I COULD NO LONGER LIVE LIKE THIS! I told his again I wanted to go to counseling and once again I was told the same things stated earlier but this time I told him that I want out of this marriage. He threw a fit! Verbally calling me every name in the book, throwing things, screaming out of control but I stood my ground. (all in front of our preschool aged daughter btw). He finally agreed to go. 

We’ve been in counseling (C) for months. Nothing has helped other than I have a safe place to say things to him. He is listening but thinks I’m going through a phase. In March I insisted on a separation his behavior has not changed and has become worse as I no longer cow to him, We are in a in-house separation as he refuses to leave 50% of the time, I leave 50% of the time and the kids stay 100% of time. I’ve been in individual counseling myself and learning how to speak up and not let him control me with his threats and anger any longer. 
He thinks I’m going through a phase and not taking it seriously. He believes I’ll never leave as I’m a woman of faith and he just thinks I’ll never leave, He is incorrect about this. My faith has kept me in this for so long yes, but my commitment is not a license to be a punching bag for his frustrations and I know if I stay it will kill me. I already have severe anxiety issues, heart disease and stomach problems. I also know I will never willingly let him touch me again. 

I’m here because through counseling I’ve been trying to tell him that it’s over, which he either A.) refuses to hear or B.) is in total denial. I just told him that he is not invited to go to my parent’s cottage over the summer and I told him that there is a high probability that we may not end up together. He still thinks that things are not going to change. I fear telling him flat out it’s over because he’s so unstable. I feel I’m taking baby steps because we still live together and he can be very vindictive and mean. I want what’s best for our kids, and feel staying together is not it.

I’m asking for advice on how to proceed not to stay. 

Thank you for taking time to read this thread.
Sunray


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What state do you live in. I'm asking because knowing this can help with giving the right advice.

Is there a domestic abuse facility near your? If there is, go there and see if they can help you find an attorney. The only way that he will believe that you are leaving him is if you leave him.

Do you have a place that you can move to with your children? Is there any family or friends near you that would let you move in for a while?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, has he ever hit you? If so when was the last time?

When was the last time that the threw things around in anger?


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

My parents have a large home and live close and we can stay there. That is the plan once the "ball starts rollin." 

My counselor and I have discussed that his behavior is abusive and controlling. It's very hard for me to admit that; we are still working on this "self blaming" behavior I have. Fine, but I've been living life for at least 10 years with the thought of trying not to anger him so to think of him abusing me has been put off in my mind. I don't feel I would belong in a home for abused women. However, I do have strong family support. 

Once in college I dodged a swing, but he has never attempted since then. However, there have been time when he was so enraged I thought he was going to take a swing. I told him later and he promised me that he would never hit me. 

As for him throwing things, not since counseling, before that it was when ever he'd get really mad at me. The toddler fell down the stairs once (he let gate open btw, she's fine) he threw the phone and broke it, other things of the like, if something happens that no one has control over he just screams at me. ??? It's a part of his psychotic behavior.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What state do you live in. I'm asking because knowing this can help with giving the right advice.
> 
> Is there a domestic abuse facility near your? If there is, go there and see if they can help you find an attorney. The only way that he will believe that you are leaving him is if you leave him.
> 
> Do you have a place that you can move to with your children? Is there any family or friends near you that would let you move in for a while?


btw I live in IL


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Follow EleGirl's advice to find an attorney, and file for divorce. See if your folks can help with this if you need. Start moving some of your and your kids' things out of the house over to your parents' house, little by little, so he wont notice. Open a bank account for yourself, start squirreling money into it, and once you are ready to move, get your paychecks direct deposited to it. Start looking for a full time job. Its good you live in IL, my divorce only took about two weeks from start to finish, so they can obviously move quickly in that state. Yours I'm sure will take more time, due to child custody and support issues. 

Be prepared that once he sees you are serious, he is either going to blow a gasket and be insanely angry, OR, he is going to cry like a baby and apologize and promise you the moon. Dont listen to this, you know by now that its crap. Call the cops if its anger, go stone cold if its blubbering.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Follow EleGirl's advice to find an attorney, and file for divorce. See if your folks can help with this if you need. Start moving some of your and your kids' things out of the house over to your parents' house, little by little, so he wont notice. Open a bank account for yourself, start squirreling money into it, and once you are ready to move, get your paychecks direct deposited to it. Start looking for a full time job. Its good you live in IL, my divorce only took about two weeks from start to finish, so they can obviously move quickly in that state. Yours I'm sure will take more time, due to child custody and support issues.
> 
> Be prepared that once he sees you are serious, he is either going to blow a gasket and be insanely angry, OR, he is going to cry like a baby and apologize and promise you the moon. Dont listen to this, you know by now that its crap. Call the cops if its anger, go stone cold if its blubbering.[/
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's been a while and it looks like you are back here. So I'll add some more.


You need a plan. 3Xnocharm had some good suggestions.

Do a google search on "domestic abuse exit plan" and "domestic abuse safety plan". Read a few of them and then build one of your own.

Do you buy groceries? if you do get some cash every time you go. Use it to start a bank account in your own name. User your parent's (or some friend/family member's) address for this.

Start moving valuables to the house where you will be staying when you move, if you move out of your home.

If there are things in your home that could be sold for $$ most them too. Just tell your husband that you are tired of all the clutter in the house. Then after you move, hold a garage sale or put them in a consignment store now. 

Get copies of all the financial, legal and personal paperwork that you can find. Get credit card numbers (you can take photo copies or write them down). Store all of these at your parent's home.

Basically make a plan. Then work that plan day by day. If you do it like this, the last step is to just walk out the door. It's a lot easier that way .. taking baby steps.

One part of the exit plan is to have clothing, etc ready just in case he goes off the handle and you have to leave (with the children) for your own safety. (Safety plan). If you need to call the police so that they can make sure you get out of there safely with your children.

Are you children safe with their father? If he treats you like this, how does he treat them?


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## Happynow62 (Mar 4, 2015)

Sunray, I've been in your shoes. Trust me. It will not get better. I did everything to try to make him happy. Your story shadows mine somewhat. All I have to say is this. I divorced him and took my life back. I am so very happy. If you haven't left yet, I would love to offer you some advice.


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## jerseyj117 (Oct 12, 2017)

sunray said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> > Follow EleGirl's advice to find an attorney, and file for divorce. See if your folks can help with this if you need. Start moving some of your and your kids' things out of the house over to your parents' house, little by little, so he wont notice. Open a bank account for yourself, start squirreling money into it, and once you are ready to move, get your paychecks direct deposited to it. Start looking for a full time job. Its good you live in IL, my divorce only took about two weeks from start to finish, so they can obviously move quickly in that state. Yours I'm sure will take more time, due to child custody and support issues.
> ...


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## ptw632 (Dec 5, 2017)

Sunray: 
I think you may have a narcissist on your hands. I can't say for sure by the little amount of information you have provided but it would behoove you to research "narcissistic abuse" and make that determination as you will NEVER convince him to get a real diagnoses. Judges and mediators don't care if you can call it a duck, only if it walks and quacks like a duck. If he is indeed a narcissist your divorce strategy will need to change. Message me if you want more info and Godspeed.


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