# Still in shock



## Saddad13 (Jan 25, 2018)

So I felt I needed a forum to write about what I’m going through and found this place. I would have been married 14 years come this August but have filed for divorce. About 8 months ago my wife got a new business partner and they instantly became best friends. So much so she told me that this new guy was her bestie and I was her husband. This really hurt me at first because I thought she was my best friend. They began working more and more hours and she invited him and his wife to everything we did. It got very frustrating trying to support my wife but also wanting just my own family time. It became ridiculous to the point he would pick her up from our house, get breakfast, work, then they’d get lunch, work late etc, basically spending 10 hours plus together 7 Days a week. We have 2 kids so it really made things hard. They would also work from our house when I was at work or his house if his wife was at work. They would wrestle on the couch, tickle, pillow fight (we have webcams in the House) and all along my wife assured me nothing was going on and she was living her partner in a godly way. She gave him a key to our house without asking me and when I got mad she said I was jealous and didn’t trust her decision making skills. We had a lot of arguments over the last 8 months about this guy and that is the basis for her wanting a divorce. Right before Christmas she tells me she loves me but isn’t in love with me, would have left me years ago but she was financially dependent on me etc etc. I felt like I was going crazy, that she wasn’t the person I knew, it was surreal. So to make a long story short, come to find out her business partner also separated from his wife at the same time and moved into an apartment. After getting a phone call from his wife, All signs point to an affair, coming home from work and showering, waking up at odd hours to text, changing phone codes, changing passwords, texting non stop and sitting do you can’t see the screen, taking long amounts of time to run a quick errand, listening to new music all of a sudden, you name it it was happening. So we are getting divorced and I’m just feeling like hell tonight. Everything was amazing until this guy came along. We are separated but still in same house for a few more months, she spends the night out and hangs out with the guy all the time. She told me god told her I am broken and she needs to leave me so I can fix myself??? She has since gone on a holy mission reading all types of books, listening to Christian music all the time, going to new churches with the other guy and basically telling me I don’t have strong enough faith. She has gone to a counselor at her church who basically says she’s all in the right. Is it right for people to cherry pick the Bible and create a compelling argument for their actions. I told her she was having an emotional affair right in front of me and she said the Bible does not say that’s a sin. Well I’m sleeping on the couch, I feel all alone, everything I’ve built over the last 15 years is going to be gone and I’m only going to get to see my kids half time now instead of everyday. Even if nobody reads this, I just had to vent and get it off my chest.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So, she is cheating and you are sleeping on the couch ? You should put her on the couch or better still, ask her to go live with her boyfriend!


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Why is every affair is an EA people f*ck sorry guy adults f*ck that is what they do.! most of the time people don’t even kiss... when they’re doing it. So you can just call they’re having an affair or if you got to put a label on it a PA (stands for physical affair). Your wife is a POS. Actually there are a lot more choice words I would love to use but not aloud here. It is what it is nothing you can do about it, something you can do get out of infidelity yourself. That is to get away from your soon to be exwife... The best thing you can do is expose her Affair. Affairs thrive in the dark.! bring it all out to the light.! Call your parents and her parents everybody needs to know OK good start from there...


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Brother, it didn't "make things hard". What she did "made him hard" until he wasn't hard anymore.

Proceed accordingly.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Saddad.,,, how old are you?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

My best advice is to see a lawyer. Know how to proceed legally. Document that as she was starting her business you were the primary care giver.

Exercise exercise exercise. Don't let her see you sad (shes not wotrh it)

Be the best dad you can be.

Time heals all wounds.

Sorry for your loss


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Trust me ~ she's gaslighting and from your description, it's much more involved than the garden variety EA that she's making it out to be! I'd wager that it long ago surpassed the PA threshold!

And from an ecclesiastical point of view, what she is doing through her actions alone, is more than adverse to ones marital vows, in that she is directly violating the inherent trust found within their relationship vows!

You need immediate counsel with a good family attorney to thoroughly advise you of all of your custodial and property rights. She has no respect for anyone other than for her new "Johnny-Come-Lately!"*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Put her ass on the couch and file immediately.

What's wrong with you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If there is one thing that makes me madder than someone who is lying and cheating, its someone who is lying and cheating and claiming that God says its OK. 
I have no idea how she can be being all 'holy' while disobeying Gods clear instructions about adultery and marriage and faithfulness.There are also clear warnings about the consequences of having sex with a married person other than your spouse and this wont end well for them. 
There is no way that any decent church counsellor will be supporting her leaving her husband and running around with a married man. I suspect she hasn't told them what is really going on, in fact she may not have mentioned the OM at all. Any decent church leader would be challenging them both on their terrible behaviour if they knew about it. 

Grrrrrrrrr. This is just appalling and I am not surprised you are ending the marriage. What selfish behaviour, how they are deceiving themselves, and I feel so much for you, his wife and the children.

BTW none of his is your fault, cheaters ALWAYS blame the other spouse. 

Have you thought of going to the pastor and filing him in? I hope that if he knew he would make sure that they were challenged and told in no uncertain terms that it has to stop. If they refuse he is within his rights to tell them to leave. 

I am sorry but its 99% likely that they have had sex many times, almost certainly in your bed and his and his wife's bed being that they have spent so many hours alone in each others houses. 

All you can do is be the best dad you can, fight to see them as much as you can, they will be very hurt. One of you has to think of their wellbeing and its not going to be her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Time to wake up, put the pity party away, put on you big boy pants, and listen to these posters.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If there is one thing that makes me madder than someone who is lying and cheating, its someone who is lying and cheating and claiming that God says its OK.
> I have no idea how she can be being all 'holy' while disobeying Gods clear instructions about adultery and marriage and faithfulness.There are also clear warnings about the consequences of having sex with a married person other than your spouse and this wont end well for them.
> *There is no way that any decent church counsellor will be supporting her leaving her husband and running around with a married man.* I suspect she hasn't told them what is really going on, in fact she may not have mentioned the OM at all. *Any decent church leader would be challenging them both on their terrible behaviour if they knew about it.*
> 
> ...


*Let's just say that if a certified representative, more especially a Christian family counselor of my church, gave out advice of this magnitude to anyone, then that would be the very day that my personal relationship with my church would come to a screeching halt!*


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## Saddad13 (Jan 25, 2018)

Thank you All for your responses! I have filed already, I’m just couch surfing so she can’t say I abandoned my kids. I really appreciate the responses, I feel like I have been going crazy! I’m 42 to who ever asked that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How much of her business are you now entitled to? 

Get the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr Dobson and give her a copy. She’s just another cheating Jezebel. Besides kicking her out of your bed ( I don’t allow hos in my bed) I would find her “church councilor and read him the riot act. The only way the Bible would okay divorcing you is if you are not also Christian. Is that the case. If not I would go to several respected pastors and have them write letters to give to her. 

I assuming you know their affair is very sexual and you are willing to reconcile with her but I would never advise you to R with a person like her.

What does your kids think of her boyfriend?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

So a church counselor states all your W is doing is correct? I would book a session with this counselor along with the pastor.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You are couch surfing because you are being spineless.

You should stay in the house. You should stay in the master bedroom. 

Burn the bed. They had sex in it. 

Get yourself a new bed.

Your disgusting excuse for a wife should be on the couch or in the garage or the backyard.

Find a post by EleGirl. Read the 180 linked there and implement it.

Stop being a spineless jellyfish. Stop believing any of her lies. They have been having sex. They are laughing at you.

Stand up and be strong. Own your home.

She is financially independent? Great. Let her move out right now.

You stay in your master bedroom. It is your bedroom. Not their bedroom! Don’t let that cheating hag and her boy toy push you around!

I defer to Diana regarding Christianity. 

Be strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know what is happening. You know the answers to each of the questions you asked in your opening post.

What it really comes down to is if you have the courage and the fortitude to do what is necessary.

Do you?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Saddad13 said:


> So I felt I needed a forum to write about what I’m going through and found this place. I would have been married 14 years come this August but have filed for divorce. About 8 months ago my wife got a new business partner and they instantly became best friends. So much so she told me that this new guy was her bestie and I was her husband. This really hurt me at first because I thought she was my best friend. They began working more and more hours and she invited him and his wife to everything we did. It got very frustrating trying to support my wife but also wanting just my own family time. It became ridiculous to the point he would pick her up from our house, get breakfast, work, then they’d get lunch, work late etc, basically spending 10 hours plus together 7 Days a week. We have 2 kids so it really made things hard. They would also work from our house when I was at work or his house if his wife was at work. They would wrestle on the couch, tickle, pillow fight (we have webcams in the House) and all along my wife assured me nothing was going on and she was living her partner in a godly way. She gave him a key to our house without asking me and when I got mad she said I was jealous and didn’t trust her decision making skills. We had a lot of arguments over the last 8 months about this guy and that is the basis for her wanting a divorce. Right before Christmas she tells me she loves me but isn’t in love with me, would have left me years ago but she was financially dependent on me etc etc. I felt like I was going crazy, that she wasn’t the person I knew, it was surreal. So to make a long story short, come to find out her business partner also separated from his wife at the same time and moved into an apartment. After getting a phone call from his wife, All signs point to an affair, coming home from work and showering, waking up at odd hours to text, changing phone codes, changing passwords, texting non stop and sitting do you can’t see the screen, taking long amounts of time to run a quick errand, listening to new music all of a sudden, you name it it was happening. So we are getting divorced and I’m just feeling like hell tonight. Everything was amazing until this guy came along. We are separated but still in same house for a few more months, she spends the night out and hangs out with the guy all the time. She told me god told her I am broken and she needs to leave me so I can fix myself??? She has since gone on a holy mission reading all types of books, listening to Christian music all the time, going to new churches with the other guy and basically telling me I don’t have strong enough faith. She has gone to a counselor at her church who basically says she’s all in the right. Is it right for people to cherry pick the Bible and create a compelling argument for their actions. I told her she was having an emotional affair right in front of me and she said the Bible does not say that’s a sin. Well I’m sleeping on the couch, I feel all alone, everything I’ve built over the last 15 years is going to be gone and I’m only going to get to see my kids half time now instead of everyday. Even if nobody reads this, I just had to vent and get it off my chest.


It sucks man, it really does but keep posting her to get the re-enforcement necessary and read the books that have been suggested and CERTAINLY do the 180!

Your story is so close to mine it hurts. I have heard and seen much of what you have. It's amazing how much of the same stuff is said and done in all of these cases that the experts here can predict what's going to happen next in most cases. Almost as if there's a cancer out there that inflicts the same behavior, words and deceit since the cases are so similar. 

My Story
- EA in 2009, could have been more with what I know now
- Discovered they ran into each other on a job site in May of 2017. Affair (re)started that month after 8 year hiatus (confirmed that was the case by reading her notes on how she lost him before)
- D-Day June 12th, fake 2 week reconciliation and another fake R in early July, found out later she never stopped
- Early July, told me she tried to tell me over the years that she just wasn't happy, blame was put on me, she didn't get the love she deserved, etc, etc
- 2nd D-Day in early October, still says it's not really an affair but text messages in a few kisses, promises me and her dad she is done with him
- 1 week later nothing seems right again
- Had my hunches and finally found the evidence and clarity I was looking for for 6 months, in December. Affair never ceased, just went deeper to the point where they were seeing each other almost daily, looking at houses, talking marriage, etc.
- Affair had to take a break in late December due to his Wife finding out everything and him promising to break off things with my wife, although it's probably just a cooldown period
- Found the notes to herself that she was going to ask him, basically telling him she will wait for him no matter how long it takes, she will be a better and happier person without me even if it's without him, he was her soulmate, meant to be and she couldn't afford to lose him like she did in 2009
- She decided first week in January after I gave her a chance to make up her mind (even though it had been made up months ago) and she said she would be happier with divorce and that's what she wants, told her family no doubts about it. Paperwork was filed and divorce process started 2nd week in January

You are going to blame the other man a lot but sadly the person that is the villain in this story is your wife and in mine, my wife. Something it took me half a year to realize. She betrayed me and our 2 kids, not him. Our 14th Anniversary was on October 11th of last year. Entire marriage history has been re-written in her mind and everything that she has done over the past year, she has justified in her mind why she did it, etc. We were at Disney just over a year ago, we were talking about the future, retirement, etc, that's what hurts as it went from forever, to it will all be over in a few months. I am so much further ahead than I was in the past 7 months. That period allowed me to mourn but to get stronger but still I was stubborn and was to indecisive on action, was warned many times on her what to do but I led with my heart even though her actions and words told me there was no chance. I tried for 6-7 months but I was the only one trying.

Best thing to do now is to move full speed ahead with the Divorce proceedings make sure you have your support system setup and people to talk to OFTEN! Set up Individual Counseling, make sure kids are being taken care of mentally and physically as much as possible so they can feel the love overshadow the coldness that's there and will be coming.

There's much more that I could write but I don't want to hijack the thread just to say so many have been where you are and I have as well, I'm probably just a few months further along in the process. It gets better, it will be a roller coaster but the sooner you start seeing your wife as the person who betrayed your marriage and your family, the easier it will be to get past the would of and should haves of what could have been and what was. Don't use it to be hateful and angry to lash out but to keep you hyper focused on what you need to do.

My wife was and still is involved heavily in the church. It's tough to see a woman who professed her life to our church, we have been lifelong catholics, kids go to catholic school and she still is involved heavily with the church but is so unremorseful about everything and in a lot of ways sees this as being brave to go out and find what makes her happy. Sad part is that, she has real issues with insecurity and mild depression that she will keep looking and she will keep ending up in the same spot until she faces her real demons head on.

Listen to the advice you will be getting here and go full speed ahead!


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## Saddad13 (Jan 25, 2018)

Thank you for that post, I’m sorry the same thing is happening to you. I really can’t believe how similar our stories are.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So I'll ask the question again: why are you not in the master bedroom and her on the couch ?

Did I understand you correctly when you said the POSOM's wife knows about this and he has left his home and moved into an apartment ? So his wife has confirmed an affair ? How did she find out ?

Why doesn't your wife move into his apartment with him ?

Do you still think it has not been physical ? Remember what everyone is telling you about adults - they don't hold hands and shyly kiss!

Do you have anymore proof other than her spending a lot of time with him ? If you did, would you still be looking for R ?

Right now, you should "kick her out" as far as the law will allow you to do (certainly out of your bedroom), you should tell her that the POSOM is not allowed in your house (change the locks), and he should stay away from your kids (if you have any).

I hope you have separated your finances and have contacted an attorney with regard to divorce.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Saddad13 said:


> Thank you for that post, I’m sorry the same thing is happening to you. I really can’t believe how similar our stories are.


They don't call it the "Cheater's Script" for no reason.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> So a church counselor states all your W is doing is correct? * I would book a session with this counselor along with the pastor.*


*Someone would definitely be squirming in their chair ~ and I don't necessarily think that it would be the Pastor!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Someone would definitely be squirming in their chair ~ and I don't necessarily think that it would be the Pastor!*


I suspect that the counsellor hasn't been told the whole truth so maybe we shouldn't be too hard on her. :grin2:
If you want someone on your side and who will tell you what you want to hear, you will twist things, you will be economical with the truth and you will omit other things such as the fact you have a new boyfriend. :surprise:


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Saddad13 do you honestly think if they are playing 'slap and tickle' in plain view of the nanny cams, that they aren't having sex at every opportunity. That's why they "work" where the other spouse is gone. What kind of business do they have?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Saddad13 said:


> Thank you All for your responses! I have filed already, I’m just couch surfing so she can’t say I abandoned my kids. I really appreciate the responses, I feel like I have been going crazy! I’m 42 to who ever asked that.


Right, she's cheating, yet you're the one sleeping on the couch. Wouldn't want to inconvenience her.

You can "not abandon your kids" from the master bedroom, and she can text her boy toy from the sofa.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

WilliamM said:


> You are couch surfing because you are being spineless.
> 
> You should stay in the house. *You should stay in the master bedroom.
> 
> ...


*I wouldn't want to sleep or even sit on any stick of furniture in that house, because they've undoubtedly and lasciviously rolled their nasty ashes in damned near every millisector of that dwelling, creating a total sense of deceit and unholiness about it!

I'd take the kids and get them the hell out of Dodge and let the lovebirds continue to have access to their little bungalow of unrequited lust!

Schedule yourself a visit with a good piranha family attorney to be appropriately and thoroughly advised of all of your custodial and property rights!*


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

True. I did get rid of all the furniture, now you mention it. The only thing I considered replacing was a bed.

Well, we don't know if the Original Poster owns the home, or is renting, come to think of it.

If he owns the home it is important to know how the title is held. He needs to maintain his ownership. Leaving the home is abandonment and can have significantly negative ramifications.

In any case, he is the master, and he is acting like a kicked puppy.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> How much of her business are you now entitled to?
> 
> Get the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr Dobson and give her a copy. She’s just another cheating Jezebel. Besides kicking her out of your bed ( I don’t allow hos in my bed) I would find her “church councilor and read him the riot act.* The only way the Bible would okay divorcing you is if you are not also Christian.* Is that the case. If not I would go to several respected pastors and have them write letters to give to her.
> 
> ...


Nope, if OP is not involved in adultery, church view SHOULD be wife straighten out.


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