# Nine months and I'm still reeling... Poly questions?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

It's been nine months since d-day, ten months since the trickle truth began. I feel I'm no better off. I still can't get past the drunken ONS he had nine years ago, I still question what actually happened that night, question two coworkers in later years, one that he admits was an inappropriate friendship that lasted for two years. (This ended four years ago.) He still swears up and down the only sexual contact he has had was the ONS and it was a BJ this stranger gave him and him fondling her breasts. (He was out of town on business and his buddy coworker was also in on this.) I don't believe him. I don't trust him. He can't explain my later HPV during the coworker years. He has bluffed on a poly before, I'm threatening another one and once again he acts like he's all for it. 

I'm still hurt, angry, humiliated and the worst part is knowing I had been with him for nine years in the dark, I was a fool. Those years now seem like lies, the very years our girls were children. This is so extremely painful to me that those family memories are all tainted and twisted now. I can't even look at pictures around the house. I'm not even sure how many of our seventeen years of marriage really count since he broke the vows so many years ago. What counts?!? I told him I need him to renew his vows, but then again he didn't take them seriously the first time, during the trickle truth month he offered to renew and he was still lying to my face. (And probably still is.) 

If I pretend all is OK, he's good. But, that's just it - I'm only pretending. Do I have to pretend for the rest of my life? Pretend I'm OK to keep peace in this house? Pretend so he can feel better? What about me?!? He's more involved with our girls' lives, helps out more in the house, tries to hold my hand more, but continually wants to "move forward", concentrate on the future. It's like he's trying to get out of owning up to whatever he really did. I think he realizes the mess he has made and wants our family together now, but I can't do his "moving forward" with all my lingering doubts still haunting me each day. I am no longer the fool, I know there is more and I want to know what it was. This makes him mad and at this point he is starting to say things like I can't keep living this way, I can't live with you continually trying to punish me... This in turn makes me mad, cause I feel like I'm the one that's really punished. Sentenced to a life of hurt and doubts that I have to hold inside. I have lost all my spirit.

I get three questions on a poly, but I have so many questions... I've been worrying about this for months. What do I ask? I know wording is important. I don't think I can ask about intent or feelings with the two coworkers. The trickle truth story he told me was he only kissed the girl on the business trip, later he told me he never actually kissed her, but she gave him oral sex. So I guess I could ask...

Have you kissed anyone sexually (I'm guessing I have to rule out any platonic type kisses?) other than me since our wedding?

Have you received or given oral sex to anyone other than me and the one girl on that business trip? (I think this might be too complicated a question? How should this be worded? This makes him giving her oral sex in return confusing.)

Have you had vaginal or anal intercourse with anyone outside our marriage? (I feel like I have to throw the anal in cause I don't trust him on anything anymore.) 

I got HPV somehow and it wasn't from a BJ he got.  

Thoughts? Would I be better just asking have you had any sexual physical contact with anyone other than the girl on the business trip? Or do I need to be more specific? I wonder if I can pay more to split the oral sex question up into two... Will they ask four questions?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Never pretend it ok. Until you open this can of worms wide open and see if he is in it for the long haul by making him face the consequences in dealing with your additude then let him go.

With out consequences then what is learned?

Heaven forbid years from now you are all jacked up and have dimentia, or cancer. or something...then now is the time to see what he is really made of.. now is the time to see if he's going to be around when the sh!t gets really thick.

Again just like all the other stuff, your additude is just another consequence he can face or not, and with out facing these consequences is there really remorse?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry I read your thread so quick.....what was the poly question....I missed it!

Sometime I get all worked up and read to fast. I can bearly spell so give me some breathing room.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW....polys are a great tool in the process and we need lots of tools to get thru this crap. 

Alot of folks say they wish they didnt know all the details and regret asking. I for one need them, they are part of my process in my own healing.

So I suggest you find a examiner and consult with him/her with regard to what to expect and the kind of questions that can be answered most effectively. 

There is alot to it. Asking if he kissed any one besides his wife can give a inaccurate reading even if he is telling the truth. Just asking if he had a physical connection can have a inacuarate reading.

So consult the pro's, they will give you the best direction on questions to ask and how they need to be asked.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

The ONS was a deal breaker to me. He knew this about me, yet went ahead and did it. He claims this is the reason he never told me. He feared I'd leave. I think it was more pride on his part. It would have been alot easier to leave when I was younger, hadn't been out of work for so long and the girls were young enough not to know any better. Unfortunately, I'm not in a position to break the deal right now. I made the bad mistake of being a stay at home home. My resume is old and I've gotten no hits from any of them I have sent out. I will not let my girls make this same mistake. I put too much trust in him and our marriage. Hard lesson learned. I basically gave away my adult life to him and now what do I have? His mom has blamed me for his depression and they have money to give him for a good lawyer. I know she will encourage him to make a divorce brutal for me out of spite. I truly feel trapped.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thanks. Oh, and he has basically come to the point he can't deal with my anguish. He wants everything all happy. He knows I don't believe or trust him, that I will never approve of what he did. Yet, he still wants me to "move forward". That seems to be his motto. That would maybe be good advice if I felt like I had the truth. I don't feel I can move forward cause I still have serious doubts. I mean I'm nine months out from d-day and I still reel all day wondering what really happened. This has aged me so badly. I look ten years older than I did just a year ago.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya, I hear you..man I though it would have been a deal breaker but its funny how sh!t works out and the deals we make and break.

You really dont know your options so stop assuming your trap. let the lawyer tell you that. Get out there and find one or two to talk two.

In fact the more you talk to the less lawyer your H can talk to to. (lawyers hate this but the conflict of interest thing pisses them off due to the missed business)

Take the step find one that will listen to you for free...then find another one and keep going to you completely understand your options and can make an educated disicion on whitch lawyer your STBXH will be paying for...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

But, it doesn't really matter what he did to me in the court's eyes? How would he end up paying for my lawyer? Does it matter who files first? I think he's been kinda threatening that with his I can't live this way anymore and all that crap. I mean, like I can live with all this hurt and doubt? He feels punished cause I'm unhappy? :scratchhead:


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> But, it doesn't really matter what he did to me in the court's eyes? How would he end up paying for my lawyer? Does it matter who files first? I think he's been kinda threatening that with his I can't live this way anymore and all that crap. I mean, like I can live with all this hurt and doubt? He feels punished cause I'm unhappy? :scratchhead:


You'll still feel the hurt, even if you do decide to D.

Assume that you'll get nothing out of a D but a 50/50 split
and never having to see your spouse again.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> You'll still feel the hurt, even if you do decide to D.
> 
> Assume that you'll get nothing out of a D but a 50/50 split
> and never having to see your spouse again.


I'll still have to see him, we have kids. 

And even if I get 50% by the time I pay debts and lawyer fees, I'll have nothing. I'll be living in a trailer somewhere I guess. 

That's just it... He gave me the gift of hurt and doubt for life, regardless if we stay together or not.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

9 months and the pain is still so acute. I'm so sorry for you! At some point, though, you will have to decide enough is enough. See an attorney, understand what you are likely to receive in the divorce. If you are looking for justice I'm very sorry. There won't be any. The best you can hope for is a new start. 

Only you can decide when you have had enough. However, your post makes me feel your divorce is inevitable. It's just a question of how much limbo you can tolerate. I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I have talked to my counselor about this. Due to our crappy insurance I don't see her enough as I need to, but she did tell me I wasn't ready. I'm still so depressed, I have no motivation. I don't know if I'm strong enough for this?


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