# Feels Like Husband is Giving Mixed Messages Regarding Divorce



## RepeatingApologies

After a nasty fight a few weeks ago, my husband packed his things while I was at work and moved out. The following day, he leased a new car (that he is well aware we really can't afford married or separated right now), signed up on a roommate website, told HR at his work that I may show up and make a scene, met privately with our landlord to tell him he was vacating the house, and printed the paperwork off to file for a divorce. 

After leaving, he immediately blocked my number and did not answer texts, calls or emails asking what to do as far as money goes (we are on opposite pay weeks and the week he left was his week, my paycheck would be posting the following week) or even what he was doing, which forced me to involve his parents (the only people who knew how to reach him as I didn't even know if our rent had been taken care of).

[A little backstory: without getting into details it has been a very rough year and we have BOTH admittedly disrespected and been not very nice to each other in the course of it all. To clarify, however, I have absolutely zero proof of infidelity, and I have looked for it. There has been no physical abuse, just a ton of miscommunication.] 

About a week after leaving, my husband came to the house and told me with no emotion that he wanted to proceed with divorce. Initially I admit I thought the only way to "resolve things" was to divorce but after some alone time I realized a divorce won't resolve anything, and I do love my husband. Naturally I pleaded he reconsider, but he left to go back to his friends house. 

A week later, he came home and spent the night. The following morning he told me he would be going back to his friends for the remainder of the workweek and moving back in the house with me on Friday, which he did. We talked the following Saturday after he was home and the conversation ended with me telling him I hear and respect what he is saying, but to please consider the magnitude of the decision to divorce, and he said he would.

At this time, my husband has been back for a little over a week and maintains he wants a divorce. I have realized I have some anger issues (not physical aggression, but I have a quick tongue and a quick temper) issues and have begun anger management, but he firmly and coldly said that my anger had ruined our marriage. He claims there is too much pain in our marriage and that while he can forgive, he can't forget. I told him that I didn't feel I had ever been the wife he deserved in our marriage, and that I would be a better wife to him while we are sharing a house if nothing else. 

Recently he began saying he wants to just be alone. He doesn't want to compromise with anyone or have to ask for someone else's take on a big decision before making one. He wants independence. (Leaving me wondering is it really my anger or not?). He wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants, but he says it is not about "playing the field" or sleeping around without commitment, he just doesn't want to be married anymore. At times it during the two major conversations in which he said he wanted a divorce, it seemed like he was throwing out any and every reason he could to justify not wanting to even try to work on the marriage.

The confusing part is that since he's been home we've been getting along great. He's been doing things I had previously asked him to do for years, such as texting when he's leaving work so I can start dinner, or being more mindful of how much time he plays video games. We actually played a video game together this weekend and laughed together. He referred to me as "baby" a few times this weekend when for months we've been on strictly first name basis with each other. We have been having sex again. 

There have been no arguments, (I've noticed we are both trying harder not to let little things become big things), and I'm actually finding myself enjoying his company again. He will talk about things like fixing up the house or future plans that include me, but then he will casually discuss how things will be split later on. It's like he's making an effort for the first time in years and enjoying the improvement, but why would you do it now, of all times? Someone please help me make sense of this.


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## brooklynAnn

Sounds like he had a taste of freedom and likes it. Even better when he gets lonely he now has you as a girlfriend to go to. Man is having his cake and eating it too. He has a great setup. Meanwhile, you are wondering wht the heck is going on. You have allowed him to gain the upper hand in this situation and just reacting to him. Do you like this new setup?


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## happy as a clam

Sounds like he's still on the fence, but is enjoying "flexing his muscles a bit" by feeling like the ball is in his court, like he gets to call the shots right now.

Keep being pleasant towards him, don't have big "relationship talks", basically show him that you are changing, you are strong, and will be fine either way. Do not beg, plead or grovel for him to reconsider.

In time he just may realize what he's about to give up. Actually if you do this right, the ball is really in YOUR court -- he just doesn't realize it .

Basically do The 180, improve yourself for YOU not him, and let the cards unfold where they may...

Set a short-term deadline for yourself though. Him moving out and living the bachelor life doesn't bode well and isn't fair to you or the marriage. Either he re-commits (like in the next 2 weeks or so) or you file. And make it clear neither of you is free to date anyone during this brief separation.


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## aine

I hope you are not sleeping with him and cooking and doing laundry for him, stop all of it?

He is having the best of both worlds.

Take him at his word, he wants a divorce and act like it. Do the 180 on him, emotionally detach. This marriage will not work out if you want to go back to living together full time as a married couple.

What he is doing is childish, he is basically telling you he is done, but then using you. He is making a point but a callous one. Perhaps you do have a big part to play in the break down of the marriage, but an adult thing to do would be to talk about it and get MC not move out of the house.

He may also be keeping you sweet so you wont get your ducks in a row and also so he can play the field.

Go see a lawyer, see what your options are, do not tell him.

Also do not be so available to him. When he comes back on Friday, do not be there, go out with friends, or don't come home at all, stay over in a friend's house. Act as if you are moving on with your life and you are not sitting around waiting for him. 

Tell your family and friends what has transpired.
I would also keep your eyes and ears opened to ensure this is not just a smokescreen for an affair with another woman.

please proceed cautiously and stop being his friend, GF and wife and give him what he wants.


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## WorkingOnMe

aine said:


> I hope you are not sleeping with him and cooking and doing laundry for him, stop all of it?
> 
> 
> 
> He is having the best of both worlds.
> 
> 
> 
> Take him at his word, he wants a divorce and act like it. Do the 180 on him, emotionally detach. This marriage will not work out if you want to go back to living together full time as a married couple.
> 
> 
> 
> What he is doing is childish, he is basically telling you he is done, but then using you. He is making a point but a callous one. Perhaps you do have a big part to play in the break down of the marriage, but an adult thing to do would be to talk about it and get MC not move out of the house.
> 
> 
> 
> He may also be keeping you sweet so you wont get your ducks in a row and also so he can play the field.
> 
> 
> 
> Go see a lawyer, see what your options are, do not tell him.
> 
> 
> 
> Also do not be so available to him. When he comes back on Friday, do not be there, go out with friends, or don't come home at all, stay over in a friend's house. Act as if you are moving on with your life and you are not sitting around waiting for him.
> 
> 
> 
> Tell your family and friends what has transpired.
> 
> I would also keep your eyes and ears opened to ensure this is not just a smokescreen for an affair with another woman.
> 
> 
> 
> please proceed cautiously and stop being his friend, GF and wife and give him what he wants.




Great advice if you want to solidify his decision to leave. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RepeatingApologies

brooklynAnn said:


> Sounds like he had a taste of freedom and likes it. Even better when he gets lonely he now has you as a girlfriend to go to. Man is having his cake and eating it too. He has a great setup. Meanwhile, you are wondering wht the heck is going on. You have allowed him to gain the upper hand in this situation and just reacting to him. Do you like this new setup?


I would have to admit this is a concern. He has moved back into the house, but I am not sure if there were ulterior motives for doing so. Initially he has asked my landlord to simply "remove him from the lease" in a set number of months. I have to ask myself if he simply realized he can't just ask to be taken off a lease and be absolved of the responsibility and just decided if he had to help pay for it, he might as well live there too. I also have to ask myself if his parents (mother) freaked out upon hearing her son had essentially deserted his wife and called demanding he go home and go about this more like an adult (she ferociously protects his reputation and something like this would be a mark on his record in her opinion I believe). 

I will admit I do like the way things have been between us recently, I just dislike the circumstances. It has been a very long time since we have been able to spend enjoyable time together. Even longer since sex was involved. My husband has not been the only one to experience sexual frustration in our marriage, even though it seems he thinks it only affects him. We have been laughing together, sharing home cooked meals together instead of just picking a drive thru when he gets home. It makes me wonder if he is scared that if he agrees to work on things that I'll think I got him back and that things will just deteriorate back into the mess they were.


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## RepeatingApologies

aine said:


> I hope you are not sleeping with him and cooking and doing laundry for him, stop all of it?
> 
> He is having the best of both worlds.
> 
> Take him at his word, he wants a divorce and act like it. Do the 180 on him, emotionally detach. This marriage will not work out if you want to go back to living together full time as a married couple.
> 
> What he is doing is childish, he is basically telling you he is done, but then using you. He is making a point but a callous one. Perhaps you do have a big part to play in the break down of the marriage, but an adult thing to do would be to talk about it and get MC not move out of the house.
> 
> He may also be keeping you sweet so you wont get your ducks in a row and also so he can play the field.
> 
> Go see a lawyer, see what your options are, do not tell him.
> 
> Also do not be so available to him. When he comes back on Friday, do not be there, go out with friends, or don't come home at all, stay over in a friend's house. Act as if you are moving on with your life and you are not sitting around waiting for him.
> 
> Tell your family and friends what has transpired.
> I would also keep your eyes and ears opened to ensure this is not just a smokescreen for an affair with another woman.
> 
> please proceed cautiously and stop being his friend, GF and wife and give him what he wants.


I agree that his take on this is wrong. I am by no means giving him a free pass.
However, that is my husband, who I promised to love unconditionally in the good times and bad. Lately I've been feeling like he didn't mean his vows, but how could I say I did if I make myself unavailable, sneak around with lawyers and air all of our dirty laundry to the other people in our lives.
We do not have kids, no major assets and no crazy amounts of debt. There is no reason for me to have lawyers involved until I'm sure this is what's going to happen here. We'd have probably one of the cleanest most cut and dry cases divorce court has ever seen. If it comes down to it I would sleep okay even if he "got" everything. This is already sad enough, I'm not out to make it a war.


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## EleGirl

He might be concerned that things will go back to the way they were.

If you want to try to recover the marriage, then keep doing things the way you have been. It seems to be working. Give it time, set a time limit, say 30. Assess how it's going on 30 days. If it's going well then continue another 30 days. If after 3 months, he's still on the fence you need to reconsider. The last thing you want is a marriage where he has one foot out the door the entire time.

Do not do the 180 at this time. There is a link in my signature block below for the 180. The purpose of the 180 is to help a betrayed spouse separate from their wayward spouse. It entails having little to no contact with their betrayed spouse. Well you cannot fix a marriage if you have little to no contact.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work that they say to do. If he starts talking about staying married, has him to read them with you and to do the walk that they say to do.

If he starts spending a lot of time away, or at his friend's house, then plan to file for divorce. That would be the time to start doing the 180. (I'm assuming that he's not spending a lot of time away from you at this point.)


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## ScottishKin

My wife and I have a host of issues that go beyond what you're describing here, but during many of our 'break ups' in which I would carry on acting friendly, making dinner, initiating conversation and just generally being myself she would note how strange it was that 'we' were getting on so well after 'she' had decided to end things. She felt that by breaking up, it dissolved all the tension in the house and we were able to relate to one another as two human beings who cared and enjoyed one another's company.

As our break ups generally only lasted a few days and for the most part, I didn't leave, this geniality between us allowed us to discuss our issues without anger or frustration as, in her mind, we had already decided to break up and inevitably talk it out, make up and forget about the whole thing.

This worked for her. As a suspected BPDer, going nuclear over something was her calling card. Unfortunately, it just built resentment inside me that she would so easily dismiss our relationship or seemed to be willing to toss me aside like gum that had lost its flavour.

But, I did understand that she couldn't deal with things under the stress she was feeling in the relationship, in her own mind or no, and perhaps that's what is going on with your husband. Rather than stringing you along, the apparent dissolution of your relationship, your obligation to each other and the tension arguments under these circumstances brings may be allowing him to communicate more effectively with you.

His insisting on following through with D may be a case of not seeing the wood for the trees.


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## 3Xnocharm

RepeatingApologies said:


> I agree that his take on this is wrong. I am by no means giving him a free pass.
> However, that is my husband, who I promised to love unconditionally in the good times and bad. Lately I've been feeling like he didn't mean his vows, but how could I say I did if I make myself unavailable, sneak around with lawyers and air all of our dirty laundry to the other people in our lives.
> We do not have kids, no major assets and no crazy amounts of debt. There is no reason for me to have lawyers involved until I'm sure this is what's going to happen here. We'd have probably one of the cleanest most cut and dry cases divorce court has ever seen. If it comes down to it I would sleep okay even if he "got" everything. This is already sad enough, I'm not out to make it a war.


If you make yourself too available, beg, kiss his ass, etc, you will either drive him away, or will allow him to use you while he does whatever the hell he wants. Letting him come and go in and out of the house and your life is giving him all the control and puts you in a position of being abused. He will have no respect for you. Speaking with an attorney about your rights and the laws does not equal making this a war. 

I would be very surprised if he is not (or has not) sleeping with someone else.


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## aine

RepeatingApologies said:


> I agree that his take on this is wrong. I am by no means giving him a free pass.
> However, that is my husband, who I promised to love unconditionally in the good times and bad. Lately I've been feeling like he didn't mean his vows, but how could I say I did if I make myself unavailable, sneak around with lawyers and air all of our dirty laundry to the other people in our lives.
> We do not have kids, no major assets and no crazy amounts of debt. There is no reason for me to have lawyers involved until I'm sure this is what's going to happen here. We'd have probably one of the cleanest most cut and dry cases divorce court has ever seen. If it comes down to it I would sleep okay even if he "got" everything. This is already sad enough, I'm not out to make it a war.



As one partner in the marriage, you are entitled to know where you stand. Waiting for him to make up his mind as to your position in his life is cruel and demeaning. Allowing him to come and go as he pleases, shows him that you have no boundaries or self respect. He will not respect you in the long run.

I suspect he has already cheated, and is keeping his options open as to the OW. Men ordinarily do not walk out and decide to divorce unless they have someone else waiting in the wings. Keep eyes and ears open.
Maybe he realises his actions are too drastic and will look terrible to everyone else (not that he cares about how you feel with being dumped and abandoned). He is now playing the game and keeping you sweet till he can make a move which is more in keeping with his good image to everyone. Please be careful.

One thing though, is you haven't really said anything about what would have precipitated his behaviour, how you treated him prior to this event?


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## loveovereverything85

im in the same boat. he claims we're broken up, that we wont get back together, but then he says how we'll move out to a bigger apartment. this weekend has been out of town and he told me he loves me and misses me. but the he will say out of the blue, we are not getting back together....than yestreday again, how we need to find better jobs to have a better life, get out of th debt....im so confused. ...we are now doing so much better together, laugh, talk...everything....
i love him and want this to work, but why is he so confusing ?

OP, hope you get your marriage back  sometimes we need to lose something to see what we really want!


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## RepeatingApologies

I am confident there has been no physical cheating for several reasons that would be long and boring to go into detail over. I feel very strongly that what is happening with my husband is more akin to a depression type of episode than anything having to do with another woman. He does look at porn a bit more than I like, but after months of being adamantly convinced there was someone else, I am certain now that isn't the case. 

What precipitated the event was another night of him coming home from work and getting right on the computer to play video games, and I blew up on him. The fight ended with me saying some VERY nasty things and basically telling him I didn't want him around. Now after a few counseling sessions and reading several books since this all started happening, I realize he is not in the clear for always coming home and running to the computer or xbox, but man, can I get psychotic and out of hand when trying to get a point across. I've been really blind to my own actions. It's honestly embarrassing. ?

And therein I believe, lies the problem in itself. My husband hates confrontation, and I was just completely full of aggression, mostly towards him for the last solid year. I would lose it over something completely petty before we would both leave for work, he would work late because he would know I was going to start in on it AGAIN when he would get home. Only now it would be for working late. So he would avoid the fight and just go play video games instead. Rinse and repeat for weeks on end. We'd randomly have a few good days. Then I would find something to freak out about again. The cycle starts over.

I have anger issues and as a couple, we have communication problems big time.

Not to make excuses for myself, more of an acceptance; before I married my husband I was in an extremely abusive relationship for almost a decade. My first real love was a raging alcoholic that I had to go almost 1000 miles away to get away from in the end. I've been forced to acknowledge that I picked up a lot of bad habits of my own from that relationship and brought them into my marriage. As my husband and I came out of that "honeymoon phase" it started to show. There's a lot of trauma I need to address in therapy; I don't know how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. 

I have started going to therapy as well as anger management because that is not who I am or who I want to be as a wife or a person. 

To be specific I can be very, very emotionally abusive. I have very little control over my emotions at times, sometimes over extremely petty things. I spent the last two years nagging at him over every stupid little thing. Everything was his fault. I've called my husband horrible things. I've insulted his family out of nothing more than jealousy over his extensive support system whereas I have a very small circle. Think of the third stage of a relationship on crack, basically. (Not literally).

If I'm totally honest with myself, if I were my husband, I would want to divorce me, too. 

The good news is that since my last post, there have been some more significant improvements between us that lead me to believe (with caution of course), that he is making an effort too, even if that hasn't been verbally stated. We are about to end week two of him being home and he has texted me every single night letting me know he is on the way home. He has helped me with housework without being asked and when I offered him gaming time the other night, he opted to watch a movie with me instead. If I have a heart attack, that's likely why. 

I have also made sure not to comment on his new car in regards to what his plan is for that. The other night on the way to the store he randomly announced that if I would be willing to help him find a decent used car, he would look into what his options were with getting rid of the new car.

I'm still putting off the lawyer. My husband is a very knee jerk reaction type of person and if he finds out I have spoken with a lawyer, he is going to think this has all been just an act on MY end to butter him up so he doesn't see it coming when the papers hit him. I'll know when it's time for that call, I promise.


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