# 3 years of marriage - so many red flags



## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Hey guys! I've been married for 3 years, no kids. He's 36 and I am 28. Anyways... I'm not happy about us. We have talked so many times about these issues and nothing really gets resolved. I suggested couple therapy but he doesn't want it. I made this list of pros and cons. What are your views on it? Thinking about divorce does tempts me but at the same time I am terrified because I live where I don't have anyone as family. The only people I know are his family and friends. I am making friends at college though. 

CONS
Harasses me to drink alcohol (even though I told him several times that I don't like it)

I don't have fun with his friends

I don't have real fun with him when traveling

Sexless marriage (once every two months maybe)

Want too many different things for life (including when to have kids)

Very few interests in common (we don't really do any activities together)

He doesn't communicate well (don't talk about things that are important)

PROS
Very good person

Supports me (financially and emotionally)

Cheers for my success (I am in school getting an extremely hard degree)

Has a huge heart

Treats me like a princess

Loves my family and helps them when they need

We have fun at home (laugh, cuddle and watch TV)


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Virtually sexless marriage at 28? :surprise:

That alone would make me leave... are you not really interested in sex with your partner? Also, I wouldn't be with someone who harasses me to do things I don't like, even if this person has a big heart... to be honest, the cons seem to outweigh the pros massively...


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Virtually sexless marriage at 28?
> 
> That alone would make me leave... are you not really interested in sex with your partner? Also, I wouldn't be with someone who harasses me to do things I don't like, even if this person has a big heart... to be honest, the cons seem to outweigh the pros massively...


Honestly, not anymore. We are both attractive kind of couple but I don't feel like having sex with him anymore. The main reason is because he never wants to try different things in bed, or sex lasts 5 minutes because he's to sensitive and reaches the orgasm fast. No fun at all and he has no interest on fixing it. I am so angry I'm in this situation and so sad because I love him as a person, but not as a husband anymore.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Nina0 said:


> I suggested couple therapy but he doesn't want it.


To me, that's a big red flag.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nina0 said:


> Honestly, not anymore.


I still think that - at 28 - it's too early to completely give up on sex? But to each his own, I guess. It's a hard place to be and a hard decision to make. I could not live with somebody without the intimacy and the bond a sexual relationship with the person you love gives you...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He doesn't want to face his premature ejaculation. It can be remedied. Sounds like y'all need a sex therapist and he needs a urologist. There are clinics now just for men, but you need to work together on this. If he refuses, you know his embarrassment (or lack thereof) means more to him than you do.

Did you not talk about important things before marriage? Who changed? 

Why does he want to force you to drink? What is different about you then?

Limerence has worn off and it is time for the hard work--or not.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

If he refuses help, thats your answer.
How about suggesting a sex therapist? Or a GP? Or a Urologist?
Guys sometimes dont want to talk about issues.
Is it possible that he is cumming too fast BECAUSE you dont have sex often?
Could your lack of patience or sex drive be affected by the stress of your degree?

Im 55, been married 28 years.
Trust me, the time will pass before you know it and you dont want to end up lonely and sexless AND old in marriage.

Perhaps its time to see a lawyer. You can always stop the divorce if things improve.
Dont stay out of fear of the unknown. The next few years are going to pass anyways, whether or not you are with him.
See a counsellor if you can to explore this by yourself.


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

So he suffers from Premature Ejaculation and he also drinking too much, do you think these two problems are covered in some way? Maybe all you need to do is get him to see a specialist. Some people say that a good idea is to say to him, that it looks like his sex problems are due to mental trauma. It will be less embarrassment to him to looking for professional help.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Guys I appreciate all the answers. Well, he thinks there's no problem and he won't accept talking to anyone. I already suggested it over and over again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So how exactly does someone harassing you to drink alcohol, never wanting sex, and refuses marriage counseling equate to treating you like a princess??


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Other than getting financial support, I don't see anything that would keep you in this relationship.

And, as a P.S. of sorts, don't let ANYONE financially support you. Find another way to finish school. Seriously.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Nina0 said:


> Honestly, not anymore. We are both attractive kind of couple but I don't feel like having sex with him anymore. The main reason is because he never wants to try different things in bed, or sex lasts 5 minutes because he's to sensitive and reaches the orgasm fast. No fun at all and he has no interest on fixing it. I am so angry I'm in this situation and so sad because I love him as a person, but not as a husband anymore.


Was it (your sex life) like this from the start, or did things change? Are you aware of his prior history? Is he aware of yours? Perhaps most important of all, are there different notions of privacy for each of you? Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable, but not him? Or vice versa? 

You've got to get this stuff figured out sooner than later. This is not what you signed up for, right? Do you get the feeling it is what he signed up for? 

Forgot to fit this is somewhere- he doesn't do oral for you? I cannot imagine a relationship, a relationship in which each cares deeply for the others' needs and wants them to experience sex as pleasurably as they can, where the guy doesn't look after his wife's needs in that way. Well, maybe if she was wildly orgasmic from PIV, but realistically, women are more likely to o from oral right?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you live with him first? if so why did you marry him? Did you mean the promises that you made or not? 

I have experience of people who have said things that made their spouse look bad by exaggerating and twisting things, so I dont always trust what people say who are really looking for a way out of their marriage and wanting people to agree with them. 

It appears that its you who has stopped the sex not him, that's your choice but it will damage the marriage a lot. What do you mean by him trying to make you have alcohol? That's could mean different things from merely offering you a drink to forcing alcohol down your throat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nina0 said:


> Honestly, not anymore. We are both attractive kind of couple but I don't feel like having sex with him anymore. The main reason is because he never wants to try different things in bed, or sex lasts 5 minutes because he's to sensitive and reaches the orgasm fast. No fun at all and he has no interest on fixing it. I am so angry I'm in this situation and so sad because I love him as a person, but not as a husband anymore.


Does he want sex more often? Do you turn him down? 

Or does he also seem to not want sex much?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long until you complete your degree?


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## terrycjr (Dec 18, 2019)

just going to throw my useless two sense in.

The no therapy thing, he could just not want to pay for it. It can be expensive and if he's the sole bread winner, thats reason enough for me.

The 5 minute problem, likely just from built up pressure. Like a stair master, you cant just hop on it every few weeks with same performance. 

trying to get you to drink, may just be him trying to score

the friends thing i cant help with, i dont have any. 4 kids will get them to quit calling real quick


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Did you live with him first? if so why did you marry him? Did you mean the promises that you made or not?
> 
> I have experience of people who have said things that made their spouse look bad by exaggerating and twisting things, so I dont always trust what people say who are really looking for a way out of their marriage and wanting people to agree with them.
> 
> It appears that its you who has stopped the sex not him, that's your choice but it will damage the marriage a lot. What do you mean by him trying to make you have alcohol? That's could mean different things from merely offering you a drink to forcing alcohol down your throat.


Diana, I don't need to convince you of anything but no, it wasn't me who didn't want sex. I tried so many times to fix this and he just don't wanna try new things, he doesn't go down on me, he ejaculates within 5 minutes, he doesn't even finger me even though I told him I like it.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How long until you complete your degree?


3 years, I've completed 2.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

And guys, our sex life wasn't great at the beginning. When we started dating he was my second guy. I had sex with a guy before him for like two times. Then I started dating him. I communicate things I like in bed. I tried once to masturbate myself while having sex otherwise I don't reach orgasm, and he made me stop who knows why. I had a vibrator once and he said he didn't want me to use it because it would ruin my sensitivity, which is not true. Oh gosh it sucks! I'm so mad I let this go for so far!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Nina0, 

I'm not sure what you need us for. It sounds to me like you have your mind made up. So if your mind is made up...proceed.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @Nina0,
> 
> I'm not sure what you need us for. It sounds to me like you have your mind made up. So if your mind is made up...proceed.


Because deciding on a divorce is not easy and maybe someone here was going through the same situation and found a solution.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't waste your life. And whatever you do don't have kids until you are sure you want to stay. Maybe you just are not as compatible as you thought. You guys need to have a serious talk about it.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people that marry when they aren't compatible. You had a compatibility issue right from the get go - the sex has always been a problem, yet sex is so vitally important within such a relationship. I really don't think I'd be able to stay if it was always horrible.

Why did you marry him??


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Benbutton said:


> It never ceases to amaze me the amount of people that marry when they aren't compatible. You had a compatibility issue right from the get go - the sex has always been a problem, yet sex is so vitally important within such a relationship. I really don't think I'd be able to stay if it was always horrible.
> 
> Why did you marry him??


He was my first serious boyfriend and I was so lonely when I met him. It was nice to have someone with me and I fell in love with him on a way that I ignored all the red flags. I was young and naive. He warned me about our incompatibility and I convinced him we were great together. I really thought we were but looking back I was being so stupid.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Nina0 said:


> He was my first serious boyfriend and I was so lonely when I met him. It was nice to have someone with me and I fell in love with him on a way that I ignored all the red flags. I was young and naive. He warned me about our incompatibility and I convinced him we were great together. I really thought we were but looking back I was being so stupid.


You two need to have a serious "come to Jesus" moment. Or, hour. You have both made a big mistake. Thankfully, there aren't any children yet. For God's sake, whatever you do, don't let that happen. 

I almost can't believe I'm going to be the one to say it, but I am. Agree to some amicable terms upon which you can both get out. Find a way to move back around your family and friends. And, finish school as soon as you can so you can support yourself.

I'm not one who advises people to divorce. You are ALREADY divorced from your husband, in the emotional sense. He is now a "paycheck" to you.



Nina0 said:


> I love him as a person, but not as a husband anymore.


He feels this. It may be one of the reasons why he won't put in effort at sex.

PE is a problem which usually occurs in young men who haven't had much "practice" at holding back their orgasms. Inexperience is a big factor. Plus, it can be psychologically damaging to the man, gives him feelings of inadequacy and inferiority which work themselves into the "mix" and become their own cause of lack of sexual drive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Finish your schooling. 

That gives you two more years for you to work on him, and for him to work on himself. 
During this whole time, let him know you want to improve 'things'.

In this world based economy, a degree is more important than any few, those rare delivered orgasms.

In the interim, you can hand deliver the 'male'.. by yourself.

........................................

The man loves you, but has real 'issues' that you find unacceptable.

When you leave him, don't point out the real reason. That would be rubbing salt on the flag pole.

I believe his actions show a hidden hurt, a hidden fear, a hidden contempt for you.
*Imagine that, you feel these same feeling, also!*

Does he sense this contempt you have for him?
Likely.

You claim it is the bad sex that makes you contemptuous of him.
I call bollocks, this statement of your is but the tip of his fast-acting spear.

A partner wanting out of a relationship always finds, and points out the alligators weaknesses, his/her soft belly.

You praise him on one hand, then slap him silly with the other.

Has another man caught your fancy?
If not, has _the thought_ of one taken over you?

That *seven year itch, is it centered at your waist, or between your ears?

Hmm?

Yes.

.........................................................

*The itch is normal, not something worthy of shame. 
Provided, that one does not _foolishly_ act on it.

........................................................

I am not downplaying anything that you feel, I just want you to analyze every aspect of what it is you feel, and what might be the true, the root cause of it.

It is more than his fast acting root. 
You know this all, to boot.


Gwendolyn-


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thank you Gwendolyn! That opened my eyes and made me reflect with a new perspective. Last night we had a long talk. He said everything that needs fix in our relationship and me, and I did the same. Right now neither him or I think we can create something that wasn't even there at the first place. We are considering divorce. I cried my eyeball out but he was just chill and reasonable, which hurts me because he doesn't seem hurt with this idea. I don't know guys. 

Thank you all for your time! Very appropriated.



SunCMars said:


> Finish your schooling.
> 
> That gives you two more years for you to work on him, and for him to work on himself.
> During this whole time, let him know you want to improve 'things'.
> ...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Nina0 said:


> Right now neither him or I think we can create something that wasn't even there at the first place.


I tend to agree with this. I think people can, perhaps, restore love if they had it. I don't think it can be manufactured.



Nina0 said:


> ... which hurts me because he doesn't seem hurt with this idea.


I don't think this is a "girl or guy" thing. I believe that all people, regardless of gender, tend to accept less-painful alternatives. His reaction shouild serve as a prime "litmus test" when you evaluate the current state of your marriage. I think his perspective is that a divorce would be less painful than the marriage.


If you should decide that you want to save your marriage, you will not have to "know guys", however, you will have to know the one guy you're married to.

I was once married to a woman who was critical of my sexual abilities. I was inexperienced and she was experienced. Every time we went to the bedroom, it was like I was an outfielder who was doomed to drop every ball hit to him, and to endure the boos of hating fans each time. It didn't take long before I avoided sex as completely as possible.

Of course, you are going to have to speak to your husband to find out how he feels, all I can say is how I felt in the similar situation. I didn't seek a divorce, but, I can tell you of a fact that if she did, I would have danced an Irish jig (and, I'm not even Irish)....


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Nina0 said:


> Hey guys! I've been married for 3 years, no kids. He's 36 and I am 28. Anyways... I'm not happy about us. We have talked so many times about these issues and nothing really gets resolved. I suggested couple therapy but he doesn't want it. I made this list of pros and cons. What are your views on it? Thinking about divorce does tempts me but at the same time I am terrified because I live where I don't have anyone as family. The only people I know are his family and friends. I am making friends at college though.
> 
> CONS
> Harasses me to drink alcohol (even though I told him several times that I don't like it)
> ...


I’m not sure if it’s just me, but your pro/con list seems to be a little contradictory:

- He harasses you to drink alcohol yet is a very good person who supports you emotionally?
- He doesn’t communicate well, but treats you like a princess?

You don’t share any interests, have a sexless marriage and want totally different things in life? How in the world do you think you guys can make this work? You need to get on the same page in ALL regards. He doesn’t sound like a peach to be married to; I was also in a marriage with someone with an extremely low drive, and it created a lot of issues. And 28 is young to have someone cut you off sex. Personally, if I were married to someone who forced me to do something that I’ve stated that I’m not comfortable with, I’d be sitting him down and telling him to stop, now. And if he didn’t want to stop, I would be leaving.

Your marriage sounds a bit like my former one with lack of sex, no communication, we did nothing together, and wanted different things in life. That’s a recipe for disaster, and it won’t work unless you and he can get on the same page and actually communicate.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Nina0 said:


> Thank you Gwendolyn! That opened my eyes and made me reflect with a new perspective. Last night we had a long talk. He said everything that needs fix in our relationship and me, and I did the same. Right now neither him or I think we can create something that wasn't even there at the first place. We are considering divorce. I cried my eyeball out but *he was just chill and reasonable, which hurts me because he doesn't seem hurt with this idea. I don't know guys.*


He’s chill because he’s checked out of the marriage. The marriage isn’t working for him, and he’s only physically present, not emotionally. From the sounds of it, you guys hit the nail on the head when you agreed that the spark of a relationship was never there in the first place.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Nina0 said:


> Guys I appreciate all the answers. *Well, he thinks there's no problem* and he won't accept talking to anyone. I already suggested it over and over again.


With the bolded, you can add to your "negatives" list that he is a selfish lover. If you aren't happy in the sexual area, it affects everything. Oh, add that he is ignorant, or a liar. All men know that a 5 minute orgasm is not desireable when in a relationship with a real live woman. Would he brag to his friends about what a great lover he is? I'm sure not. They would all laugh in his face, or be shocked.

Is he masturbating or looking at porn? It sounds like he has taught himself to go fast.

You might want to read here, and then ask him to also.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/?s=premature+ejaculation


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