# Broken HS Sweet Hearts



## Love_sick (Mar 24, 2015)

Sorry for the long post....

Hi all,
I am Devastated to be here, but glad that there is a community that is here for some support.
My Story:
My W and I meet each other right after I graduated from high school. She is one year younger than me. We both had mutual friends in high school but never met or talked once during the time I was still a student. We met a party and ended up hitting it off. 
We come from opposite family backgrounds. Her family is extremely large and is very family oriented. And Very “old school”. Where holidays and special occasions are extremely formal. Button down shirts/ dresses… ECT. My family is much more laid back and small (although I have a half sister I was brought up basically as an only child). Sweat pants and a T-Shirt, watching TV and hanging out and only had get-togethers during X-Mas and Thanksgiving. Also to note; when we first started dating, my reputation was not the best with W’s family. Although I was never a bad kid, I hung out with a few people known to smoke and stir up some trouble. Needless to say the large, formal family get together were something that was quite awkward for me, and knowing that the family wasn’t to keen on me, I rarely attended family functions. Although throughout the years her family learned that I was a great person, I still tended to avoid the family. I missed a lot of functions throughout the years, including my W’s graduation from high school and college. 
At some time before my 20’s, I suffered a heat stroke while working as a landscaper. Luckily I had a friend with me at the time who basically poured water down my throat, and possibly saved my life. Un-known by me, this traumatic event would end up causing some sever panic and anxiety issues shortly down the road. And would continue and get worse to the present day. 
My W and I have always been known to have the perfect relationship. We seemed to balance each other in ways I can’t find the words to describe. We were almost always together. She picked up on all of my hobbies and was always willing to try new things. 
Took 7 years for me to Pop the question to her. It is now 2.5 years from tieing the knot. We own our second house, a dog and have had talk of children within that past 6 months or so. 
This year was a tough year for me. I lost my mother back in june, my anxiety sky rocketed a few months after that, and I hit an all-time low over X-Mas vacation. I started to push away from my W at the emotional level, and we became roommates with benefits. Activities outside of the house became very minimal. And we fell into a pretty boring routine, with work, house work, and a shared hobby on sundays. 3 or so months ago (during the winter from h*ll), my W asked me if I would go to dance lessons with her (ball room). She was sick of always being home, and inside (because of the snow). Not being my “cup of tea” mixed with some anxiety issues I denied. One day at her work she was talking with a co worker about the dance lessons she signed up for. Dancing was a hobby of his as well. She jokingly asked him if he would like to go. She was surprised when he showed up. For a few weeks they continued to go to dance lessons together. Their friendship improved. I was browsing one day and came across her phone. I found a few texts that concerned me. After doing some digging, I found out that there was multiple phone calls, Hundreds of texts. I confronted my wife. I believe this was an EA, that she denies. She did tell me that they have discussed personal relationship issues. During our confrontation, I was shocked to hear that she was not happy in our relationship, and hasn’t been in quite some time. She was also not getting the sexual pleasure from me that she wanted. 
The following weekend was great! I realized that she needed more attention, emotionally, Physically, and sexually. And I was more than willing to be there! But it didn’t last. I was insecure about our relationship at this point. Doing everything wrong. Following her around the house like a dog. Snooping you name it. The following weeks were up and down. Me getting mad and angry anytime I found any contact with the co-worker, then we would make up. I ended up giving her an ultimatum. I go to a motel or she stops contact. Finally I got the answer that I wanted. A couple days later I was hit with her saying she wants a D. She left the house and spent a week at her parent’s house. I cut contact with her to give her space and only responded after she initiated a text. And we had one phone call so checkup. I found myself this week. Finally decided that I couldn’t handle my anxiety on my own and started medication. Spent the week evaluating myself and how I handle myself. I was/am a new person. The following weekend she came back home. Said that she didn’t want a D anymore and we would work on it. 
One week later I had the second talk with her. She said she thought about it again and she wanted a D. The following day she went to the court and filed the paperwork. I tried to convince her to double think her decision. I scheduled a MC and told her that I was going, and there was an open invite if she wanted to come. Which was a waste of time and counter-productive, as it was just the same conversation we have already had. Everyone we know who she has talked to has tried to convince her that D is not the right option, but she says that it’s the way she feels and she can’t change that. I did convinced her to hold off on having me served, and to give me a month to prove to her that I can change. But i blew my chance a few days later after finding a list of stuff she had made up about how she was going to afford a condo... and her planning her life without me. I kicked her out of the house, got angry and even tossed some of her stuff out the door. She has been at her parents place "until this is over". And i have not contacted her at all. 
She says that she is hurt, and resentful about all the times I didn’t go to functions with her. She is upset that I never changed and skipped out on her family and my own. She feels that she has put more into the relationship, and has tried so hard. She is upset that It took her leaving for me to finally change. And that she is not sure on even if I change if she will still want to be with me. She feels like I am holding her back, and she doesn’t know who she is. She want’s to be on her own to have her own experiences. That I am needy, and controlling…. Most of this is true. But She doesn’t understand that I didn’t know that I was hurting her by not going to functions with her, even though she told me that she wanted me there a few times, I didn’t know it was that important to her. 
I had no idea that she felt this way at all. And I wish I knew. I am confused because over X-mas break she drove 6 hours to visit my sister to voice her concerns about my Anxiety issues. V-Day she made 10’s of sticky notes in the shape of a heart on the bedroom mirror, each note saying something about loving me. I am a changed man at this point, for the best. But at the same time I am a mess. I miss my best friend. I still think she is confused, lost, and has not idea on what is involved with a D. But she says that her mind is made up, and its just “too little too late”. She denies any left flicker of fire. 

I received divorce papers the other day. Have yet to even look at them at this point. The recent meds for anxiety has kicked in, and i feel like a new man. I am back to being me. Still working on myself and doing 180's. I just wish she was her to experience this with me.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Sorry you are hear Love_Sick. Sounds like she's out of the marriage. Work on the 180 and yourself now. Stick to it the best you can. It probably seems like she's moving on easily, but that is only the case because she has someone else waiting in the wings.

You can start again. You can't see it now but it's possible. You can be happy again. Many of us have been through it before. Good luck.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

So you basically found out everything by snooping into her phone and reading her private lists? Not good. 

Sounds like she is still very young (early twenties?) and that she did not have much time to play the field before you two became serious. She may be regretting that now. You can only follow her lead now. If she wants a divorce, she will get one. If she wants no contact, don't contact her. If you feel you need to change, do it for yourself, not for her, as she may not give you another chance. Just do what you can to be a good partner, either to her or someone else in the future.


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## Love_sick (Mar 24, 2015)

I am not sure how truthful she is being with me. I asked multiple times at the beginning of this and as did a mutual friend, and her sister. She says there is no one on the side. And supposedly there is no one else lined up. And the OM of the EA is supposabliy in a relationship in which he plans to propose to his G/F in the near future. I am thinking that maybe she feels like she has missed out on other experiences and relationships. (i am 27 and she is 26). But this has never seemed to be the case until now. (or the past year from what she says.)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Love_sick said:


> *The recent meds for anxiety* has kicked in, and i feel like a new man. I am back to being me. Still working on myself and doing 180's. I just wish she was her to experience this with me.


So sorry you're here. Your pain is palpable.

Before I comment on your post, do you mind sharing what anxiety meds you are taking? Please tell me that you are NOT on a benzodiazepine... Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Valium? Because those drugs are only meant to be taken for 2 weeks or less (clearly stated on the package insert). They will create a whole new world of hurt if you stay on them longer.

Sorry if my question is intrusive... but I have a real beef with doctors who prescribe these incorrectly  I'm hoping they put you on an SSRI instead.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

It was not a problem until the other guy got in the picture most likely. Everyone that's having an affair or infactuation says what she says. There is a pattern of behavior and certain level of self justification everyone who gets involved in a relationship outside of marriage uses. I encourage you to read other posts, you will start to see the red flags which will help you accept what could be going on. I'm sure your actions have built resentment with her, but those problems could be worked on with counseling IF both parties are willing. You cannot have a willing partner if her thoughts and desires lie with someone else. So, your situation is dire indeed imho. Here is the good news though, and you will not be able to see it now, things will get better. Use this experience as a lesson learning moment. You can still find happiness and companionship in the future, learn from your mistakes and don't make them next time.


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## Love_sick (Mar 24, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Please tell me that you are NOT on a benzodiazepine... Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, Valium? Because those drugs are only meant to be taken for 2 weeks or less (clearly stated on the package insert). They will create a whole new world of hurt if you stay on them longer.
> 
> Sorry if my question is intrusive... but I have a real beef with doctors who prescribe these incorrectly  I'm hoping they put you on an SSRI instead.


I do have a prescription to Ativan, only while an SSRI gets fully functional. But i have been only taking half a pill around 2 AM to fall back asleep. And some days i try not to take any. I am on an SSRI, just passed the 3 week mark and am feeling pretty well. 



Observer said:


> It was not a problem until the other guy got in the picture most likely. Everyone that's having an affair or infactuation says what she says. There is a pattern of behavior and certain level of self justification everyone who gets involved in a relationship outside of marriage uses. I encourage you to read other posts, you will start to see the red flags which will help you accept what could be going on. I'm sure your actions have built resentment with her, but those problems could be worked on with counseling IF both parties are willing. You cannot have a willing partner if her thoughts and desires lie with someone else. So, your situation is dire indeed imho. Here is the good news though, and you will not be able to see it now, things will get better. Use this experience as a lesson learning moment. You can still find happiness and companionship in the future, learn from your mistakes and don't make them next time.


Thanks for your response. I know things will get better. And at the moment i am hoping it involves her being around. Either way i know i will be happy at the end of this, but i don't want to regret not doing everything i could to keep it together. Even if that means doing the opposite for now.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Love_sick said:


> I do have a prescription to Ativan, only while an SSRI gets fully functional. But i have been only taking half a pill around 2 AM to fall back asleep. *And some days i try not to take any.* I am on an SSRI, just passed the 3 week mark and am feeling pretty well.


Very good . I am truly not trying to be nosy or intrusive. But I have personally known two people very close to me who went through Benzodiazepine Withdrawal H*ll (FAR worse than opiates and heroin). It's a dirty little secret that doctors won't share with you. It can literally take YEARS to come off this evil class of drugs.

*Sorry for the threadjack.


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