# Sexless



## Lainey22 (Jul 7, 2016)

As long as me and my husband have been together I have always been the one to initiate sex. I never minded because I have a high sex drive that he can't even keep up. He's lucky I love him. He started turning me down about 60-70% of the time and this went on for like a year. Well a girl can only handle so much, so I eventually stopped trying, putting my sexuality in a cage. We started talking about fantasies and bought ropes, whips, handcuffs, toys. I have ended up using the toys more on my own then anything. We use them once and then he has no interest. Any sexual fantasy I have come up with he doesn't seem to be interested in. I even opened myself up to anal with him because that seemed to be all he was interested in. Still, he doesn't initiate it. We even met a couple that we did some swapping with. Every time they would call wanting to have a little play time, he jumped all over that opportunity! 
I know it's not because I'm not attractive, I workout 5 days a week, I have a very physical job, and I watch what I eat. It doesn't come as easy as it did when I was 21, I may have gained some weight, but I work really hard to stay in top shape. He doesn't even work out, he's put on close to 40lbs since I met him and he just doesn't seem to care at all. Now I don't even want him to want to have sex with me because I don't feel like I'm attractive to him, he doesn't take care of himself (and it shows) and I don't feel like he appreciates all I do to stay in shape (he def isn't trying to get up on this, he may grab a boob or slap my ass, but it's never in a sexy romantic fashion. It's like he does it just because it's become a habit, but has no intention behind it). We have had many conversations about this and no resolution. Is he trying to push me to cheat on him? I am so sexually frustrated all the time I don't know what to do with myself!! I love him so much and can't imagine being with anyone else, but I'm so tired of this! I am on the verge of breaking! I feel so unattractive and unwanted all the time! He does absolutely nothing to make me feel wanted and appreciated, never has any romantic gestures. It's like he's completely given up. And yes I have told him all of these things and he just says he's going through some **** and needs time. It's been 3 years! How much more time does he need? I even suggested an open relationship until he figures his **** out, because I can't handle this! He's a great friend, he's always there and I know he loves me endlessly. Obviously he didn't want to do that and I don't blame him, but what is a girl to do? I'm tired of just playing with my toys all the time alone, I want and need so much more. I don't know what to do. He won't do couples counseling. He is seeing a counceler for himself, but doesn't want to do it together. I don't think he talks about this with his counceler because it doesn't change! It never changes and I can't handle it anymore. I need advice before I ruin my relationship to point of no return!


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

When did the swapping happen and is that still going on?


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Is your husband depressed? A lot of the symptoms you're describing are consistent with depression. Especially if there's either a family history of it, or major life events that typically are "Depressing" (i.e. involve significant frustration or loss).

If you and he look at this as a real problem, a medical issue, not something intentional...he might be more willing to seek help. Likewise, you'd feel better knowing his withdrawal is the result of a treatable medical condition rather than a a reflection of his opinion or value of you.


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## Lainey22 (Jul 7, 2016)

We both worked together, he gave me his phone number, I texted him. I asked him out, I initiated the first kiss and everything else. 
We both make about the same amount of money, in the past I have made more, it is very recent that he started making a such as he does, his job does provide ithe insurance, and he makes a flat rate. The job I have can fluctuate depending on how much I work and in what capacity I work. Because my job is so physical I do injure myself ever so often, having the worst one in 6 years this last 6 months that has forced me to jump in to a more administrative role. But even then I still work less hours then him and make about the same as him. We do not have kids. I wish we could have kids. The swapping hasn't happened in a few months, but it's been an ongoing thing that happens every now and then for the last year, they are very close friends of ours and usually it happens spontaneously. I just wish he would want me spontaneously like that all the time! He had been diagnosed with depression and is taking medication and seeing a counselor. I've noticed some changes in behavior, but he still doesn't want me, or it feels like that. He still smokes weed all the time and drinks. He traded off one for the other, and I told him if he still feels like he needs to self medicate, maybe he needs different medication, he disagrees. He did decide to stop smoking for a little while so that's good. But now he's just like he was before his medication when hes still taking it. And of course he opens up a beer every night now too. Which I don't have a problem with, he is just not supposed to drink when he's on his medication. He doesn't really listen to me. I have to clean up after him all the time, even remind him to shower. It's really tough to have to take care of him all the time like that and take care of myself and work. This is not what I invisioned our life to be. I wanted a partnership! It being a medical thing I understood, but it's been 9 months since he was diagnosed and I feel like nothing has really changed other then we don't get into screaming fight as often.


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## Lainey22 (Jul 7, 2016)

Thank you unicus, that does help me feel a little better hearing what you say. Also, I don't think he watches porn he was never into it, and is barely into it when we have tried it in our 4play.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Ok, so it's likely a medical issue..he's been diagnosed and has gotten treatment, including meds. So, now the issue is getting proper treatment. Whoever is prescribing and supposedly monitoring his needs needs an update....i.e. it seems to be ineffective. 

I'm assuming your husband realizes there's a problem, and not just your nagging, nor your unmet sexual needs. I'd keep it focused on HIM and his behavior, rather than yours. At least for now. 

This is one of those situations where the "Effective" or "healthy" spuse needs to exert more control, not over the issues at hand (like sex or pot), but rather from a global perspective...his failure to function (which is what's causing all the other issues), which hopefully he can also appreciate. 

I'd go with him to his next therapy session to provide that update to his doc and see where that goes. People often assume that the doc knows what's going on, but in the absence of that information, they don't. Which is why you might need to participate and keep things focused on the real issue: His depression.


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