# she doesnt care



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

ok... so my wife emailed me about a job in another department at her place of employment. We share a car so our schedules have been the same by necessity. The shift was the day shift and we both currently work the mid shift. I replied that it wouldnt work because of the times and we really didn't say anything else about it. A few hours later she said she applied for the position. I got extremely upset at her for doing that behind my back. Add the fact that some guy she used to talk to is in that department and i further question her motives for doing that without me knowing. We had a big fight and she said that since we made vows I shouldnt doubt her no matter who works in the department. I feel that just because we made vows that doesnt give her an excuse to make decisions on her own or apply for a position that doesn't even work with our situation... why were my thoughts not considered and why is it my fault for getting upset about it?
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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It sounds like you could be jealous over nothing. Marriage is based on trust, unless that trust has been proven broken, I wouldn't worry about it. I can understand wanting her to move up or in another department. Just because she talks with a guy doesn't mean she's unfaithful. If she texts, emails, fb's, ect this guy, then I'd be suspicious.

My husband and I are very supportive of on another, even if we are not 100% happy about the decision. We fully trust each other, our marriage would be over if we didn't. If I applied for a position of a job, I'd want his support. 

She went behind your back because you didn't approve over your jealousy. Maybe she will get a raise to where you will have 2 cars. I can't imagine not having my own car and I don't work. I stay home with the kids, but one of us is always needing a doctors or dentist appointment.


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

so in no way should i be concerned that she made that decision alone? The whole thing is chalked up to me being jealous and not to her being inconsiderate?
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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

primebeatz said:


> so in no way should i be concerned that she made that decision alone? The whole thing is chalked up to me being jealous and not to her being inconsiderate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you have the right to be upset that she made the decision alone if you put your concerns to her and she did it anyway. But talk to her and see what she has to say about the decision. 
Maybe she has it worked out in her head about the car and the different shifts/ and how it would effect you two as a couple.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would be upset as well. But don't get all bent out of shape. 

She applied for the position. She hasnt' accepted it. Use the time to talk to her. Maybe you guys can come up with something that works for you.

Make sure she knows she made a mistake, but don't make it worse by getting mad and not communicating about it.


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

she said she did nothing wrong by doing what she did and says im just being insecure
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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your reply should be about how she is going to make this work with only one car. 

You should stay away from talking about this guy that works there. Makes you look insecure. You don't have enough information to accuse her of anything. You need to trust your wife until she gives you adequate reason not to trust.


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

I dont think she did any thing wrong. It was discussed briefly and immediately dismissed by you. She applied in order to keep the possibility open and leave time for more extensive discussion. It would suck for her to lose a good opportunity with no real weighing of the pros and cons. Keep an open mind and discuss it with her in good faith.
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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

thanks a lot for the helpful comments. This forum is wonderful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Prime, I'm surprised that no one else brought this up but she is also showing you a total lack of respect in her decision making process.

While part of your process may be the jealousy/concern part about the other man, she should have at least talked to you more before moving forward. Also, as someone else has suggested, you should bring up the transportation issue too.

Does this new position mean additional $? What are her other motivations for applyong? Better possibilities for promotions?


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

Not necessarily any promotion possibilities or raise with the new position. Just more headache in dealing with transportation. And with the different schedules our time together would be decreased.
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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

and she would lose the night shift pay diff as well.
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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Like someone else mentioned before when you talk to her don't bring up the guy. It will make you look insecure which is not good for you and will turn her off. But you have to make it clear that she shouldn't be making decisions without consulting with you first. If you let it slide, she will make it a habit. This could be the beginning of something else. Is the marriage ok otherwise?


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

other disrespect issues are there... double standard. she feels she has the right to tell me when i cant talk to certain females but when i feel a male is being inappropriate and i bring it up, she says im being insecure.
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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

now she is asking my opinion after the fact
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Ask her how does she expect the transportation rto work out especially in light of the fact that it sounds like she is actually taking a pay cut for this position.

I'm sorry but you need to start looking at her cell phone account and her PC. Maybe get a keylogger on there ASAP so you can see if anything is going on.

Do you have access to this stuff?


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

now she is telling me its a pay increase and acting all mad and upset
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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Oh wait, she's taking a cut in pay to go on the new shift.

Oh honey, don't worry I'll just catch a ride from him so you don't have to worry about our transportation problem.

Huge red flag. Wait for it and she'll mention the new driving arrangements she's already made with the other guy. Or she'll say a friend will offer to take her to work and take her home, she just won't elaborate on whether it's a girl or guy.

And since you won't be home for a couple of hours, he might as well just come in for an innocent drink just to talk about politics and such.

So in review, she takes a different shift at a lower pay to be in the same department as some guy she used to work with and get along with. Nope, doesn't sound fishy at all.

Damn, now she changes her story. You work in the same company, inquire about the pay rate then. If you catch her in a lie then it's gonna be all out war.


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

but im supposed to trust her... questioning angers her and she says insecure. I appreciate all the advice bit still unsure what course of action will be the best. Not really a way to go about it without basically accusing her or questioning her. i assume those who assume she might be cheating have been cheated on? ugh. . dont know what to do
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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

It's all about trust. If you think that your spouse in not honest towards you then you cannot take your relationship in a smooth sailing way. She fight with you because she knew that she was innocent.......


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Prime,
Not saying she is cheating but she may be (or may be considering it)

You should definitely bring up the transportation issue and see where that leads. You also might want to say that you're also going to inquire about a shift change so your schedules can again synch up so the two of you will have time together again.

See what she thinks of that.

In the meantime, I would consider doing some more investigation to rule out infidelity. Get a keylogger on your PC right away and get copies of her cell phone bill to see how many texts/calls she gets/sends and to whom.

Keep your suspicions to yourself. That way if she isn't having an affair, she won't know and won't get angry. It's also important not to tell her because if she is having an affair and thinks you're snooping she'll take it more underground making it harder for you to discover and prove


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

This sounds like a simple issue of poor communication on both your parts. You were dismissive. Instead of working to talk to you about it more, she just went ahead and did what she wanted anyway.

I really think this is small matter right now. The matter itself can be worked out without too much discord I would hope. I think some here are jumping to wild conclusions based on their own past with cheating partners. I don't see any reason here for you - or anyone - to assume she's trying to have an affair. That's kind of outlandish at this juncture.

Talk about the transportation. At this point, that is the only concrete problem there is. Everything else is imaginings.

However, y'all may want to work on communication skills for when REAL issues of serious discontent arise as they do in every marriage.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

A keylogger? I would think my husband went off the deep end if I applied for a new job at work he didn't want me to take...so he completely violates my privacy by logging my every keystroke and begins scouring my cell bill? That's _nutso._ 

She was wrong for ignoring her husband's wishes, but her husband isn't innocent here either. Neither productively worked out this issue. It's a communication problem certainly. But to wildly jump to the conclusion that there is a high likelihood (high enough to buy spy equipment!) she is only moving shifts to be with an ex-boyfriend? WHAT?!?


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

i dont know either way but I shouldnt have to feel blamed for anything when all i did was ask a question and get upset which seems to be an appropriate response when somebody goes behind my back. She is saying now that when she is happy im never happy and that im being controlling and the only reason i got upset was because i wanted to be controlling and thays as far as any discussion about it goes... im wrong and she is right and gow dare i ruin ger happiness and her great plan by asking any questions
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Itgetsbetter,
The suggestions are only given because one can see some of the classic signs of infidelity in Prime's post.

I'm not saying it's happening but it also seems to be gnawing at his gut.

As many have said, Trust but Verify. Communication is definitely and issue but I don't know if that's everything that is going on.


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