# Tired of being pushed away



## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

My husband and I have been married 7 years. We are both in our late 20's. For the last year or so he has to be the one to make the decisions. If I want to kiss, cuddle, hug, sex or anything physical he acts like he is not interested and pushes me away. We only do those things if he is the one that starts it. I don't know what to do to help this. I don't want to play games but that's what he is doing. I have never told him no to sex the entire time we have been married. No matter how bad i feel or how tired I am I always give him what he wants. I have told him how much it bothers me that he pushes me away and he said "that was before you haven't tried any more". It hasn't been that long. Maybe 2 months ago for sex and a week or 2 ago I tried to kiss him and he just doesn't respond. Our sex life is important to me because that's the only time I feel we bond. There is no alone time unless he wants sex and that's not very often, maybe once a week but usually a week and a half or closer to 2. So what do I do? Keep giving in or what?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> No matter how bad i feel or how tired I am, I always give him what he wants.
> 
> Maybe you are making your self to available to him. Maybe you need to make it more of a challenge, It could be he has lost some interest because the thrill of the chase is gone?
> 
> ...


There are other ways to bond, and feel close to a partner. I understand sex is important but its not the end all of everything. Do you feel sex is the only way he feels you bond too, or just you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I may, your problem isn't in the bedroom. It's a general loss of intimacy, 90% of which has nothing to do with sex. In my opinion, that needs to be reestablished and maintained and the rest will probably correct itself. There is no substitute for one-on-one time. Little things like talking, sharing private jokes and secrets, showing each other respect and courtesy, these things are very important and with them, sex becomes just another natural example of each giving to the other. He can't be disinterested in your thoughts or needs all week and then magically know or care when you want sex.
Every day, we work on marriage. We are either working to build it up or we're working to tear it down. Every couple has discretionary time. Do y'all spend your discretionary time in ways that help or tend to hurt the relationship?


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I agree.. quality, non-sexual together time is important to men too. I always have better sex if we have a date night or just spend time together not talking or worrying about sex. Finding the right formula of doing things apart and together will fuel more positive tension between you, you will miss each other more and then be happy to see each other, and sex will be easier and more natural.


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

We don't do anything together. I don't bring up sex or anything else. I told him it bothered me that I can't even hug or kiss him without him pushing me away. Those things don't even have anything to do with sex. I am the only one trying to spend time together or make time for us. There is always someone else he has around when it should be our time. We average maybe 2 hours alone a week and that is when he wants.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> We don't do anything together. I don't bring up sex or anything else. I told him it bothered me that I can't even hug or kiss him without him pushing me away. Those things don't even have anything to do with sex. I am the only one trying to spend time together or make time for us. There is always someone else he has around when it should be our time. We average maybe 2 hours alone a week and that is when he wants.


So who else is around when it should be your time together? Obviously he is disconnected. Any other unusual things you have noticed about his behavior?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

Well his sister and her family live next door to us. Take last night for example. After the kids go to sleep is our only chance for alone time. He goes over to her house and stays until 12:30am. We usually stay up until 12 or 1. I can not stay up later and then get up with kids at 7am. I am the only one making an effort to spend time together. 

Its not even the sex but when thats the only time I get his UA then it becomes pretty important.


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

He does work later than he use to. He is a manager at a store like 2 miles from our house. He says it because he has to wait for his co workers to get rides, etc because he can't leave them at the store alone. There is no way to know for sure what he is doing unless I go check and I don't really want to get my kids up that late. I remember as a young child my mom looking for my dad in the middle of the night and I dont want my kids to go through that.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> He does work later than he use to. He is a manager at a store like 2 miles from our house. He says it because he has to wait for his co workers to get rides, etc because he can't leave them at the store alone. There is no way to know for sure what he is doing unless I go check and I don't really want to get my kids up that late. I remember as a young child my mom looking for my dad in the middle of the night and I dont want my kids to go through that.


Do you want to know what may or may not be going on with him? No one said you had to get up and go check. There might be other ways to find out as to what could be going on, if anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> We don't do anything together. I don't bring up sex or anything else. I told him it bothered me that I can't even hug or kiss him without him pushing me away. Those things don't even have anything to do with sex. I am the only one trying to spend time together or make time for us. There is always someone else he has around when it should be our time. We average maybe 2 hours alone a week and that is when he wants.


 Then it's time to change it. What does he do with the rest of his time? Give us more details on your day to day so we can figure out ways to change in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like he doesn't like being married, frankly. Having kids at such a young age probably just took all the fun out of being married. I guarantee he didn't ask you to marry him (if that's what happened) thinking, oh, let's hurry up and have kids. He asked you so that you two could have fun together. That's what guys typically want - fun. So BE the person he has fun with. If he goes to his sister's house, get a babysitter and go with him, or bundle the kids up and let them sleep there while you hang out with them all.

You may find, however, that he's going over there to contact another woman.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

When did his job change, as far as him having to stay longer? Has this been recent?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

He asked me to marry him and he is the one that wanted kids. We have been together since I was 16 and He was 19. He was 24 when we had kids. They are 4 and 5. We planned both kids and discussed me staying home with the kids until they got older. It's not like we got pregnant by accident. We had 5 years to just be me and him.

This is how most of our days go
He gets up at 9-10am
Our kids were in prek until a few weeks ago so now most of our day is with the kids. They do go to friends house that live next door for an hour or 2 sometimes. During that time H plays games, watches tv, or hangs out at his sisters.
He goes to work from 3-11 most days
When he gets home he eats and then usually goes to my SIL. 

If he didnt want kids then he should have said so and not asked me if I was ready to have them. But either way its to late now.

Going to his sisters is not really a problem if I wanted to go. We live in town houses so we pretty much share a porch. They usually sit outside and talk since they all smoke and don't smoke inside. I do go out there sometimes but I would like to spend some of that time without them. Is that to much to ask?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

It has been like this for the past 2-3 months. Before that it did happen but it was maybe once a week or less. Most of the time it was every 2 weeks he would be late and he would let me know. Now its the normal. Almost every night he late.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

No its not to much to ask, and he should be spending some time with you. 

Right now you need to figure out whats the fascination over at his sisters house. Why is his time spent so much over there? Have you talked to his sisters about any of this and the fact he isn't spending time with you?

Who all is usually at his sisters house?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

No I havent talked to her. I haven't talk to anyone about our problems until I came here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hmmm. Then I would be checking his phone records to see if he's in contact with a woman at work.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would get to the bottom of what the deal is with his sisters house and why he hangs out there so much....get someone that you know and trust, but doesn't know your husband, to check out the late night thing at his work, since you would be home with the kids...and start checking other things as well. 

I'm not saying he is doing anything for sure, but it does sound kind of fishy. Even if nothing is going on, he is disconnected from the marriage/family for a reason. You have a right to know what and why that is.

PS. Do NOT point blank ask him about his sisters place and why he hangs out there and do NOT say anything about him working late. If so it could worsen things and or IF he was doing something he shouldn't then he will now start to hide things better.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Anyway you could get a babysitter one night, and if he were to head over to his sisters, you show up there later and watch his reaction? See how he acts if you were there when he was. If you have been over there before late at night, does he act funny with you there? Or does anyone else act funny?

Do you think drugs, or something along those lines could be why he keeps going to his sisters house?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

I don't really need a babysitter to go there. They live a few feet away. His phone is straight talk so there are no records. The only way i can see what he is doin on there is by looking through his phone. Which I have done recently while he was asleep. I havent found anything but that doesnt mean he hasnt deleted it. 

He always acts funny around his family to me. Doesnt talk to me and ignores me. Which is no different than when we are at home.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> He always acts funny around his family to me. Doesnt talk to me and ignores me. Which is no different than when we are at home.


BUT he hasn't always treated you like this? Just over the past few months?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

Things were good until like a year ago. They have slowly gotten worse over the last few months. No he hasnt always been like this. He was always affectionate and made times with us.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> Things were good until like a year ago. They have slowly gotten worse over the last few months. No he hasnt always been like this. He was always affectionate and made times with us.


I hope you find out what is exactly going on. Feel free to keep us up to date on things. Let us know things you have tried or if you need more suggestions.


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

I would like to know what you think I should do? Should I keep trying or just give him space and see if he comes around? He will act like this but then when he sees im upset or something he will apologize and spend time with me for awhile and act like everything is ok. Then he goes back to his old self.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you flat out said you're tired of not being #1 in his life any more?


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

Yes and he says but you are number 1. I told him I didn't feel like it and explained why and he said it will be better, I will try harder.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe a conversation such as 'here's a chart on how much time there is in a week. Here's where you're at work. Here's where I'm working with the kids. Here's the time where we're sleeping. Here's where the rest of the time is. A healthy marriage has to include time for the adults to be together as adults, just as they were when they were dating or first married. It's why we got married in the first place. 

If you feel that all of this other time, this extra time, needs to be spent on your own, or with your family instead of me, then we have a problem. This marriage will not stay a marriage if something doesn't change. What are your thoughts?'

And give him time to explain himself. Instead of just telling him what YOU want, you also have to be there to listen to him tell you what HE wants, too, right? Ask him why he's making these choices, what his payoffs are. They ARE payoffs - each decision we individuals make is usually (barring obligations) made because it makes us happy, makes us feel good or content. He's getting CONTENTMENT from spending time with them, or work, instead of you. Your job is to find out WHY.

You can't do that just by telling him what YOU want. You have to find out what HE wants, and then figure out how YOU become the one person who provides that.

If you have time, read this book, it will make a HUGE difference. Maybe read it to him each morning before he goes to work, if he'll allow it: His Needs Her Needs. It explains it all.


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

We have read that book before he didn't follow through. He has recently started reading it again and filled out in EN questionnaire. 
His top 5 needs are
1. FC
2. C
3. SF
4. Affection
5. RC

We didn't have much time to talk about it before he went to work but he said we would tonight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good! 

You have to remember that marriage takes work. The first 2 or 3 years, you have PEA chemicals in your brain making you feel all lovey and wanting to please each other. But that fades away. After that, you have to physically make time for each other, pay attention to each other's LBs and ENs. 

Questions: Why did he start reading it again? Did you ask him to? What does #2, C, stand for?

Also, when he says FC, I assume you mean family commitment? Are you sure he means YOUR family (as in you and the kids) and not HIS family? I would be asking him that.

Also, if you read the book, you know that you need to eliminate the Love Busters first, before you work on meeting Emotional Needs. It doesn't matter how many ENs you meet, if the other person is still upset with you because of LBs you do to them. You HAVE to find and eliminate the LBs first. 

So print out the LB questionnaires and have them ready for tonight. That's the best place you can start.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

blueskyes said:


> I would like to know what you think I should do? Should I keep trying or just give him space and see if he comes around? He will act like this but then when he sees im upset or something he will apologize and spend time with me for awhile and act like everything is ok. Then he goes back to his old self.


In my humble opinion, your h is not holding up his end of the bargain here. There are a million reasons for something like this and being heavy handed may be counter productive. If another man in a position of leadership and trust is able to lovingly point out that your h is falling down on the job, his internal pride may help him come around


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

# 2 is communication. I really wanted to ask him if he meant our family or his lol. But I didn't. We have filled out the Love Buster one too.


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

No I didn't ask him to. After we talked about not making time for us he brought it up and started reading it again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, focus on the Love Buster questionnaire tonight, if you talk. There is no point discussing your needs until you get rid of the LBs, ok?


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## labyrinth21886 (Jun 8, 2011)

blueskyes said:


> We don't do anything together. I don't bring up sex or anything else. I told him it bothered me that I can't even hug or kiss him without him pushing me away. Those things don't even have anything to do with sex. I am the only one trying to spend time together or make time for us. There is always someone else he has around when it should be our time. We average maybe 2 hours alone a week and that is when he wants.


That stinks, I am sorry to hear that. i am going through something very similar. I swear my hubbys lost all interest. We have sex maybe twice a month. I never see him he works 24.7 Im sure its more than sex. But still. When a wife puts in all the effort to be left with nothing its not fair. Atleast thats how i feel. I go above and beyond for my husband and he doesnt even kiss me. I havent got a kiss in more than 3 months. Seriously. So i hope we both figure this all out. we seem to be of the same age-ish and been married just as long.


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## blueskyes (Jun 9, 2011)

I'm sorry you husband is acting like this. It sucks. After the day I have had today, if I had somewhere else to live I would.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happened?


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