# Hate him flirting...with me.



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Met up with my estranged husband today over coffee to discuss our son's birthday (separated about 3 months now). He kept flirting and asking when we could go out. I have a really hard time keeping my temper, because it seems like he's serious. He says he's lost without me, etc, and while I feel bad, he did cheat on me repeatedly. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and didn't want to date him at all. Ended up storming out of the Cafe because he wouldn't drop the subject. I have to figure out a way of reining in my temper a bit while making it clear that there is no "us" to discuss. What do I do?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> Met up with my estranged husband today over coffee to discuss our son's birthday (separated about 3 months now). He kept flirting and asking when we could go out. I have a really hard time keeping my temper, because it seems like he's serious. He says he's lost without me, etc, and while I feel bad, he did cheat on me repeatedly. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and didn't want to date him at all. Ended up storming out of the Cafe because he wouldn't drop the subject. I have to figure out a way of reining in my temper a bit while making it clear that there is no "us" to discuss. What do I do?


Not meet in person for things that can easily be discussed in an email?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you do?

You stop meeting with him in person. You are on your way to a divorce, right? So start acting divorced.

Do not celebrate things like children's birthdays together. You have your own bday celebration for your son. Your husband can do whatever he wants when your son is with him.

Communicate only via text and email. That will allow you to not respond immediately.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Skip the shower, no make-up, dress like a walmart shopper....



Just kidding.

Tell him that you and he are partners in raising your son, but going forward, that is all, and that you need to stick to the subject of him and his concerns.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

joannacroc said:


> Met up with my estranged husband today over coffee to discuss our son's birthday (separated about 3 months now). He kept flirting and asking when we could go out. I have a really hard time keeping my temper, because it seems like he's serious. He says he's lost without me, etc, and while I feel bad, he did cheat on me repeatedly. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and didn't want to date him at all. Ended up storming out of the Cafe because he wouldn't drop the subject. I have to figure out a way of reining in my temper a bit while making it clear that there is no "us" to discuss. What do I do?


One doesn't need a face to face date to arrange a kid's birthday. That is business that could be handled over the phone or through email. I will assume this coffee date was his idea and the child's birthday was the purported excuse? You will know next time what his true agenda is if he wants to meet for some other alleged purpose. 

The adultery was a sign of deception. This ruse about meeting to discuss a kid's birthday when it was really about him wanting to hook up is just another sign of deception. Apples grow on apple trees. Dishonest people tend to do dishonest things. You should not be surprised when he gives you dishonesty. Really no point in being angry with him. He's being who he is. By your separation, you have apparently decided that you don't wish to live like that. 

A separation is an ambiguous relationship. People get separated to work on their marriage or in anticipation for a divorce or, sometimes for financial reasons. It is neither a true marriage or real death of a marriage. It's like a relationship in a coma, not really alive and not really dead. Clarity will either come in the form of a divorce or a resumption of the marriage.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Yea, in the presence of my almost XW I would get very angry. The only way to get over all that was to only communicate via Email. In time that anger has mostly dissipated. Now on the rare occasions when I'm around her, I bare acknowledge her. Its a process that takes time. You've only been separated 3 months. I'm working on more than 3 years. Allow yourself the freedom and time to get to that place.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I agree with Elegirl, you don't have to have joint celebrations. Now instead of one birthday party he gets two. Divide days and stick to them, concentrate making your time with him special and he will be fine.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You say a serial cheater has issues with boundaries......I'm shocked! (insert sarcasm)

A normal married couple could meet to work out the details of a birthday celebration. You aren't that anymore. Your roles have changed, and a new way of interacting needs to be reached. Could you do this by text or email? Probably. This has the advantage of providing your both with a record of who agreed to do what.
Was the coffee meeting at his suggestion or yours? If it was his, well you know why. If it was yours-cut it out.
Set the ground rules for your separation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Not meet in person for things that can easily be discussed in an email?


Wooooo...



EleGirl said:


> What do you do?
> 
> You stop meeting with him in person. You are on your way to a divorce, right? So start acting divorced.
> 
> ...


...oooooooooo...



LonelyinLove said:


> Skip the shower, no make-up, dress like a walmart shopper....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


...ooooorrrrrddd.

And if he winds up roping you into another meetup, make sure that you bring a date w/ you. 

:smthumbup:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You just need more time and distance. He chose to cheat. End of game. Tell him to seek therapy.

If your son has a birthday, by all means celebrate together at his place. Don't stay help with any clearing up. Leave him the mess. Don't let him come to your place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If you really hated his flirting...you could make plans via email.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Thanks for the advice folks. When I suggested we email, he said I was being petty, and made it sound like I was the weird one for not wanting to meet in person for our sons sake. I guess I should have predicted the outcome.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

joannacroc said:


> Thanks for the advice folks. When I suggested we email, he said I was being petty, and made it sound like I was the weird one for not wanting to meet in person for our sons sake. I guess I should have predicted the outcome.


Yes, of course. YOU are the one with the problem now. Ha! There will be more of this to come. Let it go in one ear and out the other. Don't expect him to adhere to this boundary. Block him on all other areas of communication, except this email. He will eventually get it, and you will be more in control and happier.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The totally unfiltered truth, delivered in a concise lightly amused tone is best. Next time:

I'm not interested in being in your little harem. 

And after that, pretend you don't notice or hear any of his requests. 

But maybe best of all, just limit your interactions to email/text as much as possible. If he asks you out in text/email, just ignore the request and stay focused on your agenda. 







joannacroc said:


> Met up with my estranged husband today over coffee to discuss our son's birthday (separated about 3 months now). He kept flirting and asking when we could go out. I have a really hard time keeping my temper, because it seems like he's serious. He says he's lost without me, etc, and while I feel bad, he did cheat on me repeatedly. I told him I didn't trust him anymore and didn't want to date him at all. Ended up storming out of the Cafe because he wouldn't drop the subject. I have to figure out a way of reining in my temper a bit while making it clear that there is no "us" to discuss. What do I do?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

"unless it's about (child) then I dont have anything to discuss with you."


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