# COVID 19 and co-parenting



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Hi everyone,

How are others working the two household arrangments at the moment? My daughter is 12.

I just rang my ex-husband to see how he is handling the situation, the stay at home instruction etc. Is he still socializing etc. My ex-husband and I have different ideas on how to handle the situation. He is going about his everyday life and is dating, not socially distancing where my daughter and I are remaining away from others as instructed here in Australia. I tried to have a chat with him over the phone to work out views on the virus and he feels it's a ridiculous situation. He feels we should just go about our lives. If we get it we get it. He said the virus has been around for a while time and we are only recognizing it now. It's not that bad, and this is life. He was as expected as mocking and rude. He sees no point in social distancing etc. We are mid 40s

Not sure what to do here. There are no child orders in place. He sees her usually every weekend. He hasn't seen her in 2 weeks as our adult son who lives with him has arrived back from overseas. Do I just keep her with me and let them skype etc my ex-husband doesn't like people telling him what to do not even when there is a pandemic it seems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where has your son returned from?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Where has your son returned from?


Taiwan... he has to be in-home isolation for 14 days. We are in Australia. That finishes this Friday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ah, so he did do a 14 day isolation. That's good.

Is your ex insisting that your daughter should spend time with him after the end of your son's isolation?

There is another thread here on the same topic. You might find that discussion useful: Would you limit parental visitation for social distancing?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Ah, so he did do a 14 day isolation. That's good.
> 
> Is your ex insisting that your daughter should spend time with him after the end of your son's isolation?
> 
> There is another thread here on the same topic. You might find that discussion useful: Would you limit parental visitation for social distancing?


Thanks Elegirl, I was looking for something like that....

He isn't insisting he is less enthusiastic than that. I wanted to discuss what we were going to do as I see that it's important for them to have contact. He thinks it's fine to continue seeing her even though he is going out and seeing a random woman for sex (random as not a girlfriend or partner as such ) and not socially isolating at all. I'm not sure of the full situation he just told me he has a special friend that he sees, it's really not my business other than we are only meant to be socializing with people we actualy live with.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My daughter won't see her other parent until things settle down, most likely. They video call (almost) every day and we will possibly give him more time later on - we'll see how things play out. He's an idiot and there are extenuating circumstances, but he also agreed to our arrangement and didn't want to take risks with anyone's health (my wife has bad asthma). If he didn't agree to that and we didn't have these extra circumstances, then the regular custody schedule would be followed. 

Keeping a child from the other parent is a huge decision and really should be an absolute last resort used only in the best interests of the child. Some court jurisdictions have a zero-tolerance policy for any parent who recklessly exposes a child (or members of the child's household) to any COVID-19 risk. Your XH sounds like he is doing that. Can you find anything online from the court system in Australia that says something similar? Maybe that would sway him, or at least make him understand your position?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

bobert said:


> My daughter won't see her other parent until things settle down, most likely. They video call (almost) every day and we will possibly give him more time later on - we'll see how things play out. He's an idiot and there are extenuating circumstances, but he also agreed to our arrangement and didn't want to take risks with anyone's health (my wife has bad asthma). If he didn't agree to that and we didn't have these extra circumstances, then the regular custody schedule would be followed.
> 
> Keeping a child from the other parent is a huge decision and really should be an absolute last resort used only in the best interests of the child. Some court jurisdictions have a zero-tolerance policy for any parent who recklessly exposes a child (or members of the child's household) to any COVID-19 risk. Your XH sounds like he is doing that. Can you find anything online from the court system in Australia that says something similar? Maybe that would sway him, or at least make him understand your position?


My ex didn't seek any custody orders when he took me to court for the property settlement, he just wanted me to lose the house by forcing me to sell. Fortunately, I got a loan to pay him out.
My lawyer told me it was very unusual not to seek custody orders, so there are no orders in place. I'm not worried about it legally but more about what is the right thing to do. When I say he isn't enthusiastic, he would like to see her but he isn't the dad that is sending nightly texts, calls, etc. He has been known to go 3 weeks without contact if he is away for work. If he gets back during the week and it's been over two weeks since they spoke or have seen each other he waits until it's his day on Saturday to see her. He has Whats app and he has reception, etc it's just that he doesn't think to contact her. He was the same with our son when he was still living with me.

He doesn't make contact during the week when he doesn't see her. I was the one that suggested that I get her set up with email and what app so they could remain in contact and not through me. I have always said he is welcome to come and see her any day, feel free to take her swimming etc, but he sticks to the one night a week. No extra in school holidays. He usually goes away this time by himself or with a work friend. Though he did take her to his brother's last school holidays to another state for a week which I highly encouraged. Missed her like crazy and I encouraged him that he is free to do that on other school holidays. I think he is just not that connected to people. He is more annoyed that I'm taking the virus seriously as HE feels it's n NON-issue.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

update - decided that despite the risks I feel that it's better for my daughter to have time with her father.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

m.t.t said:


> update - decided that despite the risks I feel that it's better for my daughter to have time with her father.


Just damn foolish. Spews weakness. And who exactly is the adult here? You tanking your responsibility to keep her safe.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> Just damn foolish. Spews weakness. And who exactly is the adult here? You tanking your responsibility to keep her safe.


That's a bit harsh don't you think? What are you doing with your children/child in terms of visiting the other parent?


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> Just damn foolish. Spews weakness. And who exactly is the adult here? You tanking your responsibility to keep her safe.


I had my own post about this subject a few weeks ago and it sent other TAMER’s off the rails that I was a selfish ***** out for my own personal gain for even questioning whether it was safe for my kids to split time with their dad. It isn’t that black and white.

I am thankful that my XH cares about the health of his children more than his ego and elected not to take his time before I had to bring it up because he had the same concerns. At the time we were all still questioning whether this was really “a big thing” or not. Well now we know it is where we live.

But the kids really missed their dad and asked if they could at least “hang out” with him last Monday. I was torn but said yes if they wore masks. He ended up canceling because he didn’t feel well - just tired. By Wednesday he was feeling so bad he was sent to be tested. His tests came back negative but he does have pneumonia. But since it could be a false negative he is quarantined anyway. 

My coworker’s husband is about the same age as my XH, mid 50’s, healthy and no pre-existing conditions. And he has been in the ICU on a ventilator for 10 days. That is what was running through my head while we waited for my XH’s test results to come back. He was an imperfect husband and is an imperfect father by my standards -but he was someone I loved, he is someone my kids actively love, and his parenting quotient and my respect for him went way up by sacrificing his parenting time for their well-being.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> I had my own post about this subject a few weeks ago and it sent other TAMER’s off the rails that I was a selfish *** out for my own personal gain for even questioning whether it was safe for my kids to split time with their dad. It isn’t that black and white.
> 
> I am thankful that my XH cares about the health of his children more than his ego and elected not to take his time before I had to bring it up because he had the same concerns. At the time we were all still questioning whether this was really “a big thing” or not. Well now we know it is where we live.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry things sound really bad there, this seems to have changed quite quickly. Your ex-husband sounds like a kind and reasonable man, I hope he recovers quickly. We haven't been hit hard, not yet anyway but we have strict no visiting rules etc and fines or arrests issued if you do. My son who is 20 and living with his dad now is continuing to visit his friends and is still saying it's no worse than the flu..

Thanks for this, it's really helpful. My ex laughed at me expressing my concerns. I gave in and sent my daughter. He is now being really horrible over text. He is refusing to bring her back. If I don't come and her a the time he wants her picked up he said he will assuming I'm abandoning her into his care and custody. I have decided to keep her in my care after I pick her up. I will also be looking into mediation and have care arrangments made. This way there will be no more last min changes in him having her the next morning as he wants to sleep in or go somewhere at the last min with a woman.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

m.t.t said:


> I'm sorry things sound really bad there, this seems to have changed quite quickly. Your ex-husband sounds like a kind and reasonable man, I hope he recovers quickly. We haven't been hit hard, not yet anyway but we have strict no visiting rules etc and fines or arrests issued if you do. My son who is 20 and living with his dad now is continuing to visit his friends and is still saying it's no worse than the flu..
> 
> Thanks for this, it's really helpful. My ex laughed at me expressing my concerns. I gave in and sent my daughter. He is now being really horrible over text. He is refusing to bring her back. If I don't come and her a the time he wants her picked up he said he will assuming I'm abandoning her into his care and custody. I have decided to keep her in my care after I pick her up. I will also be looking into mediation and have care arrangments made. This way there will be no more last min changes in him having her the next morning as he wants to sleep in or go somewhere at the last min with a woman.


This is the reason I responded as I did, your X only is thinking of himself. Too harsh, I don't think so, but now you are seeing the stripes of the tiger. As you said in another post it was always about him. Sometimes when some have a strong personality they are able to manipulate others. 

But, when you agreed, it changed the dynamics because he's entitled and only wanted it his way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Life is always going to be about what he wants.


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