# Writing up a will



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

Hello,

I am really glad I found this forum. My husband and I just had the worst fight ever. We are married for more than 2 years, I moved for him half around the world, gave up my job, etc and now we moved to another country because of his job. I love my husband more than anything in the world, I would do everything for me and I htought he would do the same thing for me.I am financially dependend on my husband and it would be the worst for me if something happened to him ever, I don't think I could go back to work, I would just be a mental case. So recently, I talked with him about a will and thought we both just get a will where it says we will give each others assets to each other when one passes away. He is doing quite well right now, so I asked him if he could give some money to my mom if something happened to me, as my dad doesn't live anymore, I have no sibblings and she doesn't have it easy. I trust him that he would do it.

I am so hurt now, as my husband says he has a will and would not show it to me. i cannot believe that I am married to somebody who doesn't trust me, and even worse, doesn't care what happens to me if he would pass away.
we went to a marriage counselor and she said that he would never change and that i better would accept to be always number 4 or 5 in his life, or give up on the relationship. I do not want to believe that, I think things can get better. I believe strongly in god and hope that he will help us, but maybe i am just naive and need to see reality. I do honestly not know what to do right now.


----------



## babyboomer (Jun 18, 2009)

If your husband will not provide for your mother if you predecease him then make arrangements in your will to provide for your mother.

It may read I give 50% to my husband and 50% to my mother.

It is hurtful that he will not reveal what he has in his will.

Keep praying.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

sunshine1 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am really glad I found this forum. My husband and I just had the worst fight ever. We are married for more than 2 years, I moved for him half around the world, gave up my job, etc and now we moved to another country because of his job. I love my husband more than anything in the world, I would do everything for me and I htought he would do the same thing for me.I am financially dependend on my husband and it would be the worst for me if something happened to him ever, I don't think I could go back to work, I would just be a mental case. So recently, I talked with him about a will and thought we both just get a will where it says we will give each others assets to each other when one passes away. He is doing quite well right now, so I asked him if he could give some money to my mom if something happened to me, as my dad doesn't live anymore, I have no sibblings and she doesn't have it easy. I trust him that he would do it.
> 
> ...



well...
I can see his side. You are not only asking he provide for you but also your family.
I would not like it if I were him and personally I would not ask him to do that. I think he should provide for you if he pases away since your dependent on him and that is what you both agreed upon as your lifestyle, but to ask him to provide for your parents or siblings or even children from a previous marriage...
I would take offense to that too as he only married YOU, not them.
I do not think you should ask him to provide for your mother should you pass away. I feel it's asking too much.
Not to be rude, just saying how I would feel about it.
I think your asking too much.

If your that worried about your mother, do this, get a life insurance policy on yourself and leave her as the primary beneficary, get a part time job and pay for the policy yourself.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Wills and who leaves what to whom confuse me. My parents for example...pretty well off not rediculously rich but let's just call them "Very" comfortable. There are 5 children between my Daddy & his wife. I'm told that their will reads we can all have one "item" of our choice from the material possesions in the home. Then everything else and all assets are to go to charity. Very noble of them I think however I think my leg's being pulled. Now before you ask NO I didn't ask them about the will it was brought up due to another death in the fam. But interesting none the less. I don't care about the $ really I've been shown on many occassions and have always been a believer that $ doesn't buy you love family or other wise. I do know my daughter's college is taken care of which I think is very awesome of my parents. I didn't ask for it it's just something they chose to do for her. So she's set.

Ok I just realized I rambled on about wills and nothing about spouses. My bad. Hubby and I don't have them. Guess my post is point less but I'm too lazy to erase it.

Oh, I agree w/Preso. It's a bit much to ask Hubby to provide for your Mom. Especially just 2 years into your marriage 25 years later I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm sure as you've seen here and not to sound so negative BUT you never know what tomorrow or 10 years down the road will bring....so....


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'd make him show me the will, or leave. 

If you weren't featured prominently..file, girl! 

The point of marriage is that you love, and care for each other. If he can't/won't show it...dump him! 

You don't need to be married to someone who doesn't think of you first, last, and always!

It's not a money thing...it's what you are thinking of each other. Yes, money is nice...but it will never replace the love you have. Or seem to have. Or lost through death.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Amen D!


----------



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

preso said:


> well...
> I can see his side. You are not only asking he provide for you but also your family.
> I would not like it if I were him and personally I would not ask him to do that. I think he should provide for you if he pases away since your dependent on him and that is what you both agreed upon as your lifestyle, but to ask him to provide for your parents or siblings or even children from a previous marriage...
> I would take offense to that too as he only married YOU, not them.
> ...


I am working, and what i meant is that he would give some of the money i made and saved up before my marriage to my mom. but for that, i feel i wouldn't need a testament, i just trusted him that he would do the right thing. appearantly I am not as important to him.


----------



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

dcrim said:


> I'd make him show me the will, or leave.
> 
> If you weren't featured prominently..file, girl!
> 
> ...


unfortunately I agree with you. I lost all my trust in him. I just trusted him, that he would do the right thing. we started to talk about wills as other people i know did it (we live in a country both foreign to us, so it is a save thing to have). and what he told me, was that he set up a will just after we got married. first i didn't susepect anything, but now he told me there might be someone else in the will as well. so he set up a will, right after we got married so i WOULD NOT get everything. we are not talking about much here, and he also has no life insurance, so it would be the bare minimum to go back to my homecountry and pay rent etc for a while till I found a job. 
the thing about my mom, she is working and has a pension insurance, but my dad already passed away and I have no sibblings, and all asked from him was to stay in touch with her if I pass away, and if there ever is a monetary problem, help if he could. she wouldn't need money on a general basis. and he would inherit all my savings.

I feel so terrible, I feel worse then cheated on. I would have prefered he had sex with someone else, but what he does is, he doesn't care enough about me to make sure I am safe i he isn't anymore and that hurts me so much..

this conflict is not about money at all anymore, but about him not caring so much for me.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ok I'm getting more w/more of your responses now. Have you sat down and talked to him about what it is exactly you mean by providing for your Mom? Maybe he's just thinking of the $ and not the other things you have mentioned here.


----------



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

Rhea said:


> Ok I'm getting more w/more of your responses now. Have you sat down and talked to him about what it is exactly you mean by providing for your Mom? Maybe he's just thinking of the $ and not the other things you have mentioned here.


the thing with my mom can't be the reason, as I gave it to him as an example, that I also have people i have to worry about, but would trust him that he would help her in an emergency and therfore give him all the money. 

When I said let's do a mirror will, he said there might be other people he also has to think of (I have no idea who it could be) and that I shouldn't be so selfish. My husband went to a very difficult childhood and I would say one could say that he is emotionally damaged, and on a day to day basis, although he is sometimes mean, i can deal with it. but this just shows that he doesn't understand 100% commitment to each other. we are both only 27 and I don't know if I can take that for much longer. but divorce never was an option for me. and i don't want to be like his parents and leave him, when things get difficult. I am looking for a solution...


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

sunshine1 said:


> I am working, and what i meant is that he would give some of the money i made and saved up before my marriage to my mom. but for that, i feel i wouldn't need a testament, i just trusted him that he would do the right thing. appearantly I am not as important to him.



Guess you should have done that prior to marriage.


If your working, there is no reason you can't still send your mother some of your money from your paycheck and if its that important to you, you could always get a part time job in addition to your regular job or work some overtime.
Once your married, and whats done... asking him to change what was agreed upon and done... is only going to cause problems in your marriage.
If this issue was that important, you should have taken care of it prior to marriage. I feel now its too late to ask him for money back that you gave to him.
Personally I would never have done that...
but you can still send your other money if its that important by working more and sending her some.
You can send her up to 10K a year tax free ( no taxes for you)... if you send her more than 10K a year you will have to pay taxes on that money, based on your income.
Those are the laws when it comes to sending someone money ( tax laws)


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I don't have a will, but I would divide my assets 50-50 between my two sons. I can't trust my husband to divide my assets, as he will probably give all my money to his daughter (my step daughter) and just feed our sons table scraps. I already declared my beneficiaries as my sons on my life insurance and my financial account. I never discussed it with my husband, and he never asked.

It does sound suspicious why your husband's will is a secret. My mother in law declared her best friend as executor of her will, and none of her children know what's in it. She hopes to cut down on sibling squabbles at her time of death. Is it possible your husband is doing the same? 

Also, I thought it was customary to give to your surviving spouse and kids, not your parents, as they will likely pass before you do. Making financial contributions may be more beneficial when you and she are both alive.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> It does sound suspicious why your husband's will is a secret. My mother in law declared her best friend as executor of her will, and none of her children know what's in it. She hopes to cut down on sibling squabbles at her time of death. Is it possible your husband is doing the same?
> 
> .


Sounds to me like he does not want her to know, perhaps because she may not like whats in the will, no provisions for her mother...
and could be added that she has no financial savvy or understanding about taxes and laws concerning these issues and coming from a strictly emotional aspect
that he does not want to deal with.

I can understand how he may feel too.... and I would not believe it if he did not provide for his wife in his will....

if he didn't she could always contest the will after his death. A spouse who is dependent ( as she claims in her first post)
would not be a frivolous lawsuit to contest her husbands will.


----------



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

preso said:


> Guess you should have done that prior to marriage.
> 
> 
> If your working, there is no reason you can't still send your mother some of your money from your paycheck and if its that important to you, you could always get a part time job in addition to your regular job or work some overtime.
> ...


I am sorry, you totally misunderstood the situation. Let's leave me my mom out there, she has actually nothing to do with it.

I wanted to create a mirror will, where we both give 100% of our assets to each other and my husband answered that he already has written up a will and doesn't want to show it to me. that is the story in a short form
Ps: we are not living in the states or uk


----------



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I don't have a will, but I would divide my assets 50-50 between my two sons. I can't trust my husband to divide my assets, as he will probably give all my money to his daughter (my step daughter) and just feed our sons table scraps. .


that is though. :-(


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

sunshine, I understand your concerns, but in some countries, women are not even considered of any more value than farm animals and they are not looked upon as equal partners in a marriage, but subserviant to their husbands, and in some countries, the wife has no claim to anything of her husbands.
You should get familiar with the laws in your country and take it from there.

Also to note: you started this thread about worry for your mother and said you were de[endent on your husband, then you say your also working and your mother is not an issue.
Your husband may have concerns as to the intent of your query... you also do not mention if he has his own parents or children outside your marriage. In some countries you will have no rights to anything as you do in the USA.
You should learn about your countries laws concerning will and spousal rights.


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

It seems like the issue is that he would not show you what he wants to happen when he dies. As to your rights, if you are a US citizen and you have assets in the US, you can and should have your own will and possibly a trust. This will direct your assets to those you wish to take care of. If you live in a country in which wives do not have any property rights, you should seek legal counsel about your plans.

Maybe your husband just thinks a will is a private document and does not understand how it is used after he dies. Don't assume he does not want to take care of you, but let him know you are preparing a will as well and (if you have children) it is VERY important that you both be named the guardian for your children, and then whomever else might stand in for you and your husband should you both pass away.

Caring for in-laws is a tricky topic. It is nice if both spouses express a desire to care for the other one's parents, but ultimately, you are there to care for each other and parents come second. Good luck!


----------



## sunshine1 (Jun 18, 2009)

SFladybug said:


> It seems like the issue is that he would not show you what he wants to happen when he dies. As to your rights, if you are a US citizen and you have assets in the US, you can and should have your own will and possibly a trust. This will direct your assets to those you wish to take care of. If you live in a country in which wives do not have any property rights, you should seek legal counsel about your plans.
> 
> Maybe your husband just thinks a will is a private document and does not understand how it is used after he dies. Don't assume he does not want to take care of you, but let him know you are preparing a will as well and (if you have children) it is VERY important that you both be named the guardian for your children, and then whomever else might stand in for you and your husband should you both pass away.
> 
> Caring for in-laws is a tricky topic. It is nice if both spouses express a desire to care for the other one's parents, but ultimately, you are there to care for each other and parents come second. Good luck!


Thanks for your advice


----------

