# How do you forgive?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

How do you achieve this when your spouse has previously hurt you and you want to get past it? How do you all do it? I'm a grudge holder when it comes to everyone so my husband is really no different but I'm tired of it. I thought that thinking about what hurt me and trying to keep my feelings away would help. And it works sometimes but others it's just another knife to the heart. Anyway, what do you all do? Or does it just come naturally without trying? The natural way ain't workin right now so I'm trying to train myself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> How do you achieve this when your spouse has previously hurt you and you want to get past it? How do you all do it? I'm a grudge holder when it comes to everyone so my husband is really no different but I'm tired of it. I thought that thinking about what hurt me and trying to keep my feelings away would help. And it works sometimes but others it's just another knife to the heart. Anyway, what do you all do? Or does it just come naturally without trying? The natural way ain't workin right now so I'm trying to train myself.


Best way I've found is to take a cold hard look at myself.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SepticChange said:


> How do you achieve this when your spouse has previously hurt you and you want to get past it? How do you all do it? I'm a grudge holder when it comes to everyone so my husband is really no different but I'm tired of it. I thought that thinking about what hurt me and trying to keep my feelings away would help. And it works sometimes but others it's just another knife to the heart. Anyway, what do you all do? Or does it just come naturally without trying? The natural way ain't workin right now so I'm trying to train myself.


True forgiveness never comes naturally....I wouldn't think so at all, in fact I would call it GRUELING at times....the more intense the offense or hurt, the harder it will be. For me, I can't stand being angry at people...I need Peace in my life, or I am at unrest, I refuse to be resentful without a fight or confrontation to deal with any dilemma. 

I will go to that person, lay it out there, take ownership of my part ..talk it out (if they are willing)... if they are not willing... this is when it gets HARD, grueling, and you are left facing pain alone......in these situations... I would have to put up a boundary to protect myself from further hurt or bad treatment. ...May even come to releasing such a person from my life -for my own sanity. But yet, still forgive them so they have no hold over me. 

“Vengeance is having a videotape planted in your soul that cannot be turned off. It plays the painful scene over and over again inside your mind... And each time it plays you feel the clap of pain again... Forgiving turns off the videotape of pained memory. Forgiving sets you free.”

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free". 

 3 Steps to Release Yourself from Resentment



2 excellent books on Forgiveness....seems to be the best author on the subject. 

*1.*  Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve : Lewis B. Smedes: Books

*2. *The Art of Forgiving: Lewis B. Smedes: Books


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Its easy to mix up forgiving and forgetting

You can offer your forgiveness but the memories and bad feeling will never instantly disappear. It is the other person's job to help you through these feelings in return for your forgiveness and eventually you can feel peaceful with your acceptance of the hurt.

Simplistic I know, but its how I think


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, it was to really listen to my husband and his reasons for what he did (leaving for those months). I am not one to hold grudges ever, but I'm good at walking away. however, because I listened and he truly opened up about his reasons, I was able to UNDERSTAND why it happened, which made me focus on myself and healing my demons that I had with me from before he and I met.

In truly understanding my husband and his reasons, i was able to forgive because it made sense to me why he left. I would have left my own ass too.

Have I forgotten? For the most part...but part of me remembers and I get triggered but because of our communication skills, I am able to tell him I'm triggering and he is gentle with me. Then I go back to that time and understand him again and the feeling passes.

We all make mistakes. Horrible mistakes. Horrible transgressions against other people. I could not judge him any more than i could judge myself. I had a choice. I chose to listen and understand.

I let my ego and guard down. I became raw and human...which is vulnerable and scary. But in doing so, I grew as a human and was able to love more. I chose to change MY way of dealing with him and myself...and I chose to do all things through Love.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> How do you achieve this when your spouse has previously hurt you and you want to get past it? How do you all do it? I'm a grudge holder when it comes to everyone so my husband is really no different but I'm tired of it. I thought that thinking about what hurt me and trying to keep my feelings away would help. And it works sometimes but others it's just another knife to the heart. Anyway, what do you all do? Or does it just come naturally without trying? The natural way ain't workin right now so I'm trying to train myself.


I've not been a grudge-holder with others. My flaw with regards to forgiveness is being able to forgive myself. I know if I've gotten annoyed at someone, it doesn't take long to join the dots and realize it's often the case that I'm annoyed with myself in how I've handled it. Does that make sense? 

I think forgiveness is tied up with being in the moment; being present. 

The only way we can learn in life (for most of us) is through various interactions. I think there's something in recognizing we all have our imperfections. I'm not referring to toxic relationships when I write this. 

We're all changing, moment to moment. If there's a lesson for your husband in the way he's been in the past, there's no doubt a lesson for you too. I think all you can do is learn to discipline your mind, to stay as present as possible. If it's in the past, there's nothing you can do, other than change your behavior should a similar scenario arise again. So why hold onto it? It has absolutely no benefit to you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Furthermore...because this is good for me too lol, so thank you for starting this thread.

Letting go is an acknowledgement that we were never in control in the first place. There's no guarantee that things will go the way you expect or want them to. When you see that and are not attached to the outcome, you are approaching life from a more centered perspective. Letting go allows us to see what is. When we stop clinging to the delusions and assumptions and beliefs of how things should be, we are letting go and can then be in the present moment.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Seems like i just have to work on discipline. With some of the people in my life I tried to talk it over with them and they got mad for bringing it up so I'm on my own here. And one person I no longer communicate with and he continues to do things that hurt me. 

That's why I have a hard time forgiving...sometimes people just hate hearing about past mistakes and make you feel stupid for getting hurt. I want to be able to do it on my own. I keep trying to live in the present and think about the good things with as little flashbacks as possible. I think I really need to talk to a professional about this because this is something I hate about myself and can't seem to overcome. I won't give up though. 

I was actually thinking about just flat out telling these people that I forgive them about everything they've done and hopefully it'll train my mind into thinking so. Won't bring up any particular incident but just be general. I want to be at peace with everything.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> How do you achieve this when your spouse has previously hurt you and you want to get past it? How do you all do it? I'm a grudge holder when it comes to everyone so my husband is really no different but I'm tired of it. I thought that thinking about what hurt me and trying to keep my feelings away would help. And it works sometimes but others it's just another knife to the heart. Anyway, what do you all do? Or does it just come naturally without trying? The natural way ain't workin right now so I'm trying to train myself.


One thing that has worked for me (I too tend to hold grudges) is to focus on my own mistakes. If a person has truly apologized and is working on not making the same mistake, then I remind myself of my mistakes and the hurt I have caused. It gives me a bit more empathy and allows me to give them the benefit of the doubt a bit more.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> One thing that has worked for me (I too tend to hold grudges) is to focus on my own mistakes. If a person has truly apologized and is working on not making the same mistake, then I remind myself of my mistakes and the hurt I have caused. It gives me a bit more empathy and allows me to give them the benefit of the doubt a bit more.


Compassion is definitely part of letting go.

I think being in the present means helping not to continually protect yourself from the experience you just had. Imagine all the energy that takes to build walls around you and focusing on something that has already past and then...what's happening now? Forgiveness and acceptance go hand in hand.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Seems like i just have to work on discipline. With some of the people in my life I tried to talk it over with them and they got mad for bringing it up so I'm on my own here. And one person I no longer communicate with and he continues to do things that hurt me.
> 
> That's why I have a hard time forgiving...sometimes people just hate hearing about past mistakes and make you feel stupid for getting hurt. I want to be able to do it on my own. I keep trying to live in the present and think about the good things with as little flashbacks as possible. I think I really need to talk to a professional about this because this is something I hate about myself and can't seem to overcome. I won't give up though.
> 
> I was actually thinking about just flat out telling these people that I forgive them about everything they've done and hopefully it'll train my mind into thinking so. Won't bring up any particular incident but just be general. I want to be at peace with everything.


You want control....but there's going to be hurt and pain and disappointment in your life. It's just the way it is. Be at peace with that. It doesn't mean those emotions have to stay with you after it's happened/been dealt with though.

Do you deal with things when they happen? Or do you let it stew until you are bursting to tell the person, much later, that you were hurt?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

My problem is that I don't deal with things as they happen. I think that I can avoid a confrontation and just handle it on my own thinking that I'm strong enough to get past it quickly...and turns out I'm not.


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