# How do you guys deal with temptation?



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Basically I don't want to put myself in a situation that could lead to another PA, because I know I'm really susceptible to temptation. These days I even go through extraordinary lengths to avoid common social situations that most people can easily handle. I guess I feel like because I'm a wayward I just don't deal with temptation the way a normal person would/should. I feel like I process things differently, which is why I screwed up in the first place. 

To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite. I'm not claiming this happens everyday, or even every month. But when it does happen it really messes with me. All the voices in my head keep telling me "why not"? Who is going to know, etc. etc.? Its not so much that I do anything. I just hate myself for wanting to. Why can't I just shut it down like everyone else? Its not like I'm unhappy with my life. Or is this normal for everybody? 

I would very much like to change my outlook on this. I'm disturbed that even now I see turning down a sure thing from an attractive woman as a missed opportunity, instead of a dodged bullet. Its twisted logic, and I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram myself. Not sure if there are any answers for me, but I'm certainly interested in opinions.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

When I found my kryptonite, I got away quickly. Sometimes by outright telling her firmly, "I'm not interested". 

I can't help who I'm attracted to. I can decide what I want to do about it. 

I've turned down sure things because I was afraid to bond with them. I knew I could not act the same after doing something like that. I just would not be able.

So, I look at it as self-preservation in a sense. I'd be going against my own ideas of what is great character. I'd hurt myself. My character would be damaged. It wasn't so much what others thought of me, but what I thought of myself and would think of myself after. I didn't want to deal with the internal anguish. l


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

As Roselyn said, she knows the consequences of bad decisions, so she dare not do them. See the physically attractive women who flirt with you as a threat to you, your marriage, and especially your wife. If an attractive woman pointed a gun at your wife, would you step in front of it and push your wife aside, or would you move your wife closer to the gun and say "fire when ready." Your wife can't protect and defend herself because she can't be with you when those situations materialize, so you have to protect what she and you have built together. You have to protect her heart, you have to protect your marriage. The longer the relationship, the more vigilant you have to be. See the cost analysis: high risk, low reward. Temporary gratification versus a lifetime of pain and regret for you, your wife, the other BS, and all the children involve.

A lifetime of attaboys can be ruined by one "oh sh*t". That's where integrity comes in.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> Basically I don't want to put myself in a situation that could lead to another PA, because I know I'm really susceptible to temptation. These days I even go through extraordinary lengths to avoid common social situations that most people can easily handle. I guess I feel like because I'm a wayward I just don't deal with temptation the way a normal person would/should. I feel like I process things differently, which is why I screwed up in the first place.
> 
> To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite. I'm not claiming this happens everyday, or even every month. But when it does happen it really messes with me. All the voices in my head keep telling me "why not"? Who is going to know, etc. etc.? Its not so much that I do anything. I just hate myself for wanting to. Why can't I just shut it down like everyone else? Its not like I'm unhappy with my life. Or is this normal for everybody?
> 
> I would very much like to change my outlook on this. I'm disturbed that even now I see turning down a sure thing from an attractive woman as a missed opportunity, instead of a dodged bullet. Its twisted logic, and I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram myself. Not sure if there are any answers for me, but I'm certainly interested in opinions.


This is very simple.

But it means that you will find zero validation in women wanting to have sex with you.

Care to try it?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I talk about my wife a LOT! I meet a new woman, she knows fairly quickly about my wife. Plus, it keeps my wife in the forefront of my thoughts.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

becareful said:


> As Roselyn said, she knows the consequences of bad decisions, so she dare not do them. See the physically attractive women who flirt with you as a threat to you, your marriage, and especially your wife. If an attractive woman pointed a gun at your wife, would you step in front of it and push your wife aside, or would you move your wife closer to the gun and say "fire when ready." Your wife can't protect and defend herself because she can't be with you when those situations materialize, so you have to protect what she and you have built together. You have to protect her heart, you have to protect your marriage. The longer the relationship, the more vigilant you have to be. See the cost analysis: high risk, low reward. Temporary gratification versus a lifetime of pain and regret for you, your wife, the other BS, and all the children involve.
> 
> A lifetime of attaboys can be ruined by one "oh sh*t". That's where integrity comes in.


This is a great post. Your analogy about the gun makes a lot of sense.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> I talk about my wife a LOT! I meet a new woman, she knows fairly quickly about my wife. Plus, it keeps my wife in the forefront of my thoughts.


I definitely do this as well. I'm not trying to make my original post a moving target, but I was actually talking about women that are completely aware that you are married, yet come on to you anyway. Some just don't seem to care.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

Secrets have a way of coming out to the light.

99-year-old Italian man divorces his 96-year-old wife after finding her secret love letters from the 1940s

I don't think the WW will be buried next to her betrayed husband. Tragic.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> I definitely do this as well. I'm not trying to make my original post a moving target, but I was actually talking about women that are completely aware that you are married, yet come on to you anyway. Some just don't seem to care.


I haven't really had that issue. Most people either put out a "look at me" vibe or they don't. I don't. Perhaps you do? I have met women that really put out that vibe and others that simply don't. You might want to consider what signals you are sending?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*When in the midst of a committed relationship, Ol' Arb is just too much of a loyal, committed partner!

And whereas I may actually make small talk with some nice, pretty, interested lady who is trying to talk to me, the real reinforcement in not taking it any further is the stark perception and envisionment of feeling the excruciating pain that my partner gleefully inflicts upon my a$$ by slicing through the middle of my unsuspecting nutsack with a dull, rusty Buck knife! 

And then following it up by squirting a rather liberal dose of Bactine upon her completed handiwork!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

marduk said:


> This is very simple.
> 
> But it means that you will find zero validation in women wanting to have sex with you.
> 
> Care to try it?


You gonna keep us in suspense?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I get how there can be inadvertent flirting, but actually consummating it seems like it takes real effort. I really do not see how that sort of thing "just happens." There must be multiple points along the way where you have an opportunity to ask yourself if it is really worth it. All you need to do is tell yourself "no" once during that path. There is nothing automatic about it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> I get how there can be inadvertent flirting, but actually consummating it seems like it takes real effort. I really do not see how that sort of thing "just happens." There must be multiple points along the way where you have an opportunity to ask yourself if it is really worth it. All you need to do is tell yourself "no" once during that path. There is nothing automatic about it.


I figure it's sort of like not picking up your socks. You were told by mum when you grew up, many many times. Each time you did not pick them up, you justified your feelings and inaction. The first time it hurt when you realized she had to pick them up and was sad and disappointed you didn't. You took the verbal chastisement with some angst.

As time went along, it didn't bother you as much to hear her complain. You were used to the chastisement an that was easier to take than picking them up and putting them in the laundry like you were asked. 

Eventually, you don't even think about any of that and just throw your socks wherever you take the off. Easy, peasy.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

TX-SC said:


> I haven't really had that issue. Most people either put out a "look at me" vibe or they don't. I don't. Perhaps you do? I have met women that really put out that vibe and others that simply don't. You might want to consider what signals you are sending?


The "look at me" thing could very well be a part of it. That first taste of success did go to my head. I feel like that has waned though. As far as my appearance, I do like to wear tailored suits, AND I do have a bit of a vice for exotic cars. Those are things that can attract people for the wrong reasons. But....I buy those things because I enjoy them, not because I want to stick out. You have a point though. If its putting me in bad situations occasionally I should tone it down.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> You gonna keep us in suspense?


Here's the deal. @farsidejunky and @Asladain are the bombs at this, but I'll take a swing at it.

One of the things I realized is that part of the reason I wanted sex with my wife -- and with women in general -- wasn't just because I'm attracted to them.

It's because their attraction to me, or agreeing to have sex was validation that I'm a quality guy.

Where quality can mean attractive, or smart, or together, or whatever you're insecure about at the moment.

Once you're really secure in yourself about that, the need for women to find you hot fades. The neediness in wanting sex with your wife fades. The insecurity fades with it.

I don't need random women to turn their heads when I walk by any more to know that I'm all right. And when you're like that, saying no to a hot woman coming onto you is really very easy.

Because at the end of the day it's just another woman. Her wanting you doesn't make you feel any better or worse about yourself.

There's no missed opportunities. Nothing to chase. Nothing to compare yourself to. No races to be won.

There's just you and your integrity.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

dude, you don't need to become a troll. just exercise some self control. is it really that hard to deny yourself? you don't eat every cookie you see, right?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

marduk said:


> Here's the deal. @farsidejunky and @Asladain are the bombs at this, but I'll take a swing at it.
> 
> One of the things I realized is that part of the reason I wanted sex with my wife -- and with women in general -- wasn't just because I'm attracted to them.
> 
> ...


this is a great attitude.

another way to look at it is you can just enjoy it for what it is instead of wanting to escalate it.

a woman flirting with you is like a cool breeze. just enjoy it as it passes by.

it doesn't have to be a big deal.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Sounds like you are already on the right track. I don't think you can ever 'turn off' that part of the brain that finds other woman attractive. Somewhere deep down us men are hunters, and those instincts die hard. But you can control the urge to act on that impulse. Make it known you already have a woman in your life that you cherish and adore. That will shut down any woman worth her salt. If a woman overtly flirts with me after she knows I'm taken, it's a real turn off and any shine I had toward her fades fast. 

I sometimes look at why I find a particular woman attractive. It's often just an aspect to her, some physical trait, or a smile. The way her hair is or her outfit. When you look closely you'll notice that it's a superficial thing. Sometimes it's an aspect of her personality, her intelligence or sense of humor. In the end those physical things are illusions of light and fade. The personality traits are usually those of someone I already have in my life. So I go home to my girl, hold her tight and remind myself how lucky I am.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I should write a tutorial... It's intern season and 3 of our 5 interns are female. 

Can't wait for intern social nights where it's interns vs staff in "Cards Against Humanity" or PS4 multiplayer death matches


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Thanks marduk.

Made me think. 

It is nice to feel that appreciation. I don't think that ever goes away. I just think it's not a desperate need any more and it doesn't have to be confirmed with actions partly because of that personal security.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> Basically
> 
> I'm disturbed that even now I see turning down a sure thing from an attractive woman as a missed opportunity, instead of a dodged bullet.


That* SURE THING *is the little head [in your jockeys] doing the thinking. And *YOUR EGO *is feeding off of it.

Some women are nice but naive'. Some are over-friendly, flirtatious, and even co(k teasers. 

Just because you got *THE LOOK *and maybe the coy teasing does not mean that you will get to touch and get to have access to * "their treasure chest" and "music box".* 

Remember this...their "supposed" flirtation could be "reverse" ego feeding for them. They want you to fawn and slobber all over them. This may be the extent and purpose of their untoward behavior.

Having a women flirt with you and following up with having sex with them are two different things. 

After being on TAM for this short period and witnessing what has happened to me and others around me....I know that semen on hanky-panky does happen.

All I am saying, don't notch your bed post until the covers have 
been violated.

Let your imagination claim the score, and nothing else.

Boost your ego surrepiously, but not at your Wife's expense.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The ego loves being tickled. But it doesn't have to turn sexual with non spouse type women.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm not a dude, but I am fairly rational for a female type (I believe). Here's how I do it:

When a man compliments me who is not my husband (like a co-worker who knows me)... what I literally verbatim think in my head is "Yeah, you're right. I am great. Thanks for reminding me!" and keep on walking. I think that's because I'm secure in who I am, my value, and what I have to offer--even though I am a FORMER-wayward. 

Being a wayward does not mean I am worthless and have nothing to offer! I worked hard, for years, putting in the time and effort to rebuild a strong, loving marriage, and that is freaking courageous. I worked just as hard, for years, putting in the time and effort to change what was broken in me so I think clearly about attraction, love, and marriage. That is also amazing. I bring a lot of coolness and intelligence to a relationship, so if you notice it, I just think you're not blind! :lol:

When a handsome guy who knows me "comes on" to me, for a brief second my breath is taken away from surprise, and then literally in a milli-second my next thought is "PASS!" and my next feeling is a little offended. I am MARRIED and that may not mean anything to the flirty guy, but it means something to ME and he has NO BUSINESS messing with me. If he intends to retain my respect he better back WAY the h3ll off, because his flirt just showed me a bit about his character and likely lead to a massive drop in my view of him. 

Finally when a guy makes some comment who doesn't know me, I just roll my eyes, point to my wedding ring, and keep walking: "TAKEN, MAN!"


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

So the assumption is that all flirting is sexual in nature?

Good thing my HR rep is not reading this


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If I gave in to temptation I would see myself as weak. Someone unable to give a promise and keep it. Someone with little self respect.

I am not a weak person and when I make a promise (marriage vows), I keep my word.


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## Kitty08 (Nov 27, 2015)

I avoid it. I don't go into a room alone with someone of the opposite sex, I don't go out to lunch with co-workers ( mostly alone and for A LOT of reasons), I talk about my husband and daughter and do not have male BFF because if I am mad it can lead to many unwanted situations....women tend to associate a good friend who listens to something else overtime. 
I avoid it no matter what. Mostly if I know that the guy I am talking is a player....and my husband has a radar, he will tell me right away if he does not like someone for xyz reason. Sometimes someone could be flirting with me and I am so clueless that in some occasions I don't even realize it. And if I do notice it, I set the limits right away. 

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## Kitty08 (Nov 27, 2015)

Why change a good deal for an ordeal?. No thanks!

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Basically I don't want to put myself in a situation that could lead to another PA, because I know I'm really susceptible to temptation. These days I even go through extraordinary lengths to avoid common social situations that most people can easily handle. I guess I feel like because I'm a wayward I just don't deal with temptation the way a normal person would/should. I feel like I process things differently, which is why I screwed up in the first place.
> 
> To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite. I'm not claiming this happens everyday, or even every month. But when it does happen it really messes with me. All the voices in my head keep telling me "why not"? Who is going to know, etc. etc.? Its not so much that I do anything. I just hate myself for wanting to. Why can't I just shut it down like everyone else? Its not like I'm unhappy with my life. Or is this normal for everybody?
> 
> ...




Easy...I love her too much to ever hurt her that way. I grew up watching the devastation of deciet and infidelity...i wont be the guy that creates it.

That...and i know right from wrong. 

This doesnt mean i dont admire the beauty of a woman, can't enjoy her company, i just see these things for what they are and never attempt to tyrn thwm into something they should never be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kitty08 (Nov 27, 2015)

ReformedHubby said:


> I definitely do this as well. I'm not trying to make my original post a moving target, but I was actually talking about women that are completely aware that you are married, yet come on to you anyway. Some just don't seem to care.


Unfortunately there are a lot of woman like that....but YOU care and that is what makes the difference.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I had a lot of temptation soon after I married, I don't know why but is like a switch went off when I married that made other women hit on me out of nowhere. I have to admit it was hard to fight it off in your early twenties, and when the other woman was a sexy blonde, I never dated a blonde and always wanted to!!! But I do recall that not being able to hurt my wife was the main factor and that simply thinking about that would ruin any possible enjoyment with the OW.... Plus I am not the best about all the effort of leading a double life, couldn't handle that.... 
Then low and behold, 15y later wife cheats on me, ugh.... However I can't say I would change my mind about how I avoided temptation years ago, neither do I feel like I need to have an RA either, just can't do it... 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> dude, you don't need to become a troll. just exercise some self control. is it really that hard to deny yourself? you don't eat every cookie you see, right?


I think most of the responses I got were very helpful. But I'm not sure I see the logic in yours. This isn't meant to offend you, but I think its too simplistic. It simply isn't that easy for everyone. And yes, for the record if you put six donuts in front of me, I would indeed eat them all. Same goes for six beers, a whole pizza etc. etc. and so on. Do I have impulse control issues? You betcha. Regarding the troll thing I'm not sure what you mean. I have no plans on sharing ANY of the sordid details that led me here just get folks riled up. I was just feeling a little down, and wondering why I view things through such a screwed up lense. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. Several have given me things to think about.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> Here's the deal. @farsidejunky and @Asladain are the bombs at this, but I'll take a swing at it.
> 
> One of the things I realized is that part of the reason I wanted sex with my wife -- and with women in general -- wasn't just because I'm attracted to them.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the wisdom, this is advice that anyone could use really. It makes a lot of sense.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Life is a lot easier if interaction between genders, even playful interaction, is kept "proper". It has nothing to do with ego boost and everything to do with building friendships, even with people that have a chromosome different...

Not every interaction is a path to score... I gotta wonder about men who see women in such a narrow context.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

john117 said:


> I should write a tutorial... It's intern season and 3 of our 5 interns are female.
> 
> Can't wait for intern social nights where it's interns vs staff in "Cards Against Humanity" or PS4 multiplayer death matches


I don't know how you do it. I work in the tech world, and there just aren't very many women, and even fewer good looking ones. I'd go bonkers working at a university.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

If nothing else works, hit McDonald's or Taco Bell for a mid morning, mid afternoon and late night snack.

Give it a year, and pretty women will leave you alone.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I don't know how you do it. I work in the tech world, and there just aren't very many women, and even fewer good looking ones. I'd go bonkers working at a university.


I'm working in industry. Thanks to political correctness (I have two daughters myself, one in a male dominated field) female engineers or interns are common here. In my specific group we get not only engineering but industrial design and marketing interns too, hence way more female interns.

Good looking? Hard to say. This batch is meh, ok, and really good looking respectively.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

john117 said:


> Life is a lot easier if interaction between genders, even playful interaction, is kept "proper". It has nothing to do with ego boost and everything to do with building friendships, even with people that have a chromosome different...
> 
> Not every interaction is a path to score... I gotta wonder about men who see women in such a narrow context.


I would wonder the same about those men as well. I wouldn't say that's how I view all women at all. Only the ones that are over the top with flirtation. That changes the communication dynamic, and to be quite honest, at that point it does make you view them in a narrower context. It doesn't start there though.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ReformedHubby said:


> The "look at me" thing could very well be a part of it. That first taste of success did go to my head. I feel like that has waned though. As far as my appearance, I do like to wear tailored suits, AND I do have a bit of a vice for exotic cars. Those are things that can attract people for the wrong reasons. But....I buy those things because I enjoy them, not because I want to stick out. You have a point though. If its putting me in bad situations occasionally I should tone it down.


I respectfully (very respectfully - I'm not in your head and can't purport to know what you're thinking) disagree.

Men and women dress nicely for others, not for themselves. We can tell ourselves it's for "us", but it's not. I also like to look good when I have an opportunity, and no, not everybody is a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, but...

And it's the same with things such as cars and jewellery, and so on. Nice clothes, fancy jewellery, exotic cars, big houses and the like primarily exist to show to other people, no matter how humble we are, or think we are. Whether we admit it or not, many of us are hung up on appearances. I live in a modest home, nothing to be jealous of, but I absolutely manicure the hell out of my lawn. *I* like a nice lawn, but is it really solely for me? Of course not.

And yes, those things are attractive to people - and not always for the wrong reasons, either. Many women, I'm sure, think "there's a guy that's got it together" but many others think "there's a guy with some money". Either way, it's attractive to people.

Regardless, tailored suits and exotic cars will attract women, regardless of how humble you are. It makes you approachable and attractive despite not wanting to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think of the pain infidelity causes.

Then maybe the female colleagues who look so hot and sexy don't look quite so hot and sexy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

No matter how tempted, I find it very easy to keep my distance or turn down advances when it wouldn't be appropriate or wise to follow through based on ethics or circumstances. I'm not sure why it's easy, but I simply won't take a chance on messing with someone's life for my own selfish pleasure. On the other hand, put a bowl of potato chips in front of me, and I have no willpower whatsoever! In the latter scenario, though, I'm only potentially harming myself, not anyone else, so that may be a factor.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

alexm said:


> I respectfully (very respectfully - I'm not in your head and can't purport to know what you're thinking) disagree.
> 
> Men and women dress nicely for others, not for themselves. We can tell ourselves it's for "us", but it's not. I also like to look good when I have an opportunity, and no, not everybody is a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, but...
> 
> Regardless, tailored suits and exotic cars will attract women, regardless of how humble you are. It makes you approachable and attractive despite not wanting to.


I think your post makes a lot of sense. Its entirely possible that I'm not at all being honest with myself in this regard. I do like being the best dressed man in the room. Why would this be? Part of it is my upbringing. I was raised to always dress the part. But.....with that said I do like compliments. Being honest I probably get more compliments from other men asking me where'd you get that blazer etc. etc. 

The reason I made my original post is because I'm honestly getting tired of walling myself off. I don't even think that will be successful long term. I think changing the way I think and how I approach things is a much better path to take.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

ReformedH, i am guessing your EQ is higher than your wife's, in many relationships there is that person (men and women) who seems to be more at ease with the interaction of others, very approachable and fun (magnetic personality if you will), they seem to possess a confidence that often times the other party does not have or has little of, and was probably one of the things that attracted the other party to them in the first place, so is it any wonder why others might pick up on it as well. I am not suggesting that it is an excuse but a possible reason why you are being approached and placed in that position. That said one of the key things that helps curtail "questionable opportunities" is the strengthen and bond that resides at home, often times the other party feels that since they have a ring on their finger that automatically reduces the need to continue to keep home fires going, granted this is a two street but lets be honest the opportunities with someone with a higher EQ in finding "questionable opportunities" is dramatically higher then someone with a low EQ. I guess what i am saying is that it takes diligences on both ends to keep the fires going, and i am not suggesting that this is the answer to stopping "questionable opportunities" , what i am suggesting is that when your traveling or out at business function without a spouse and you can't wait to come home to them than that creates a personal force field that will keep away just about anything.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think most of the responses I got were very helpful. But I'm not sure I see the logic in yours. This isn't meant to offend you, but I think its too simplistic. It simply isn't that easy for everyone. And yes, for the record if you put six donuts in front of me, I would indeed eat them all. Same goes for six beers, a whole pizza etc. etc. and so on. Do I have impulse control issues? You betcha. Regarding the troll thing I'm not sure what you mean. I have no plans on sharing ANY of the sordid details that led me here just get folks riled up. I was just feeling a little down, and wondering why I view things through such a screwed up lense. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses. Several have given me things to think about.


my troll reference was in regard to your suggestion that you have to stop wearing nice suits and driving nice cars.

the suits and the cars aren't the problem-- your impulse control is.

you've admitted this yourself, of course.

there is no other "fix" than to get this under control.

if you're looking for the cure elsewhere, you're avoiding the issue.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I followed a simple formula when I was married to avoid falling into that trap.

I never talked about my personal life with women. I always knew where the line was and I kept conversations strictly professional. If I did find myself attracted to someone physically, I avoided any needless interaction with them...period. The truth is we are all human. There is always going to be people that we are attracted to. If I noticed a woman and felt an attraction, it served as a warning to stay away. 

I was always honest with myself. I am a Man. I never fooled myself into thinking that I was too morally strong to be immune to temptation. As a result, I never stepped on that slippery slope.

I also never lost sight of what I had to lose. My then wife (now XWW) and our children were the most important things in my world. I would never jeopardize our family and what we had for some cheap thrill or instant gratification.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite. I'm not claiming this happens everyday, or even every month. But when it does happen it really messes with me.


So you're just minding your own business and random attractive women straight up blatantly offer you sex?

Common dude....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> So you're just minding your own business and random attractive women straight up blatantly offer you sex?
> 
> Common dude....


I thought Sodom and Gomorrah were nuked recently 😂


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

BetrayedDad said:


> So you're just minding your own business and random attractive women straight up blatantly offer you sex?
> 
> Common dude....


A couple years ago I had a girl walk up to me at the gym and ask me to spot her on the bench press.

I was in mid-curl and said that the trainer is right over there.

She said "don't you know when a girl is flirting with you?"

And I said "married, thanks" and she said "well, if you change your mind..." And flicked her hair, turned, and walked back to the bench.

**** happens.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i'm usually too dumb or naive to know when a woman shows interest in me.
in the past they almost have to hit me over the head with a rubber hammer and yell at me.

on those occasions where i see and gaze an attractive woman and suddenly a flight of fancy crosses my mind, reality strikes.
i think 'what would i really do with her?' maybe it could be awkward or maybe not even that good.
then i would very possibly see the wife in my minds eye and realize what a creep i would be.

her face in my minds eye would be more than enough to send me running.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

marduk said:


> A couple years ago I had a girl walk up to me at the gym and ask me to spot her on the bench press.
> 
> I was in mid-curl and said that the trainer is right over there.
> 
> She said "don't you know when a girl is flirting with you?"





jorgegene said:


> i'm usually too dumb or naive to know when a woman shows interest in me.


Maybe this my problem then...

I would have assumed she really just wanted a spot. 

Guys ask other guys all the time at the gym, including me. 

I don't automatically assume I'm getting hit on. 

Who knew apparently for years I've been turning down free sex?!?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

BetrayedDad said:


> Maybe this my problem then...
> 
> I would have assumed she really just wanted a spot.
> 
> ...


No, I thought she wanted a spot and was annoyed because I was literally in the middle of a set.

Afterwards I was just like WTF... She didn't care one bit that I was married. And she was in her early 20's and hot. I'm sure lots of guys would have been there in a heartbeat.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

marduk said:


> A couple years ago I had a girl walk up to me at the gym and ask me to spot her on the bench press.
> 
> I was in mid-curl and said that the trainer is right over there.
> 
> ...


there's miles between this and actually doing it.

OP is asking for advice on how to stop the train when he's the driver.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Anon1111 said:


> there's miles between this and actually doing it.
> 
> OP is asking for advice on how to stop the train when he's the driver.





ReformedHubby said:


> To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. *My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite.*


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Summed up nicely.

The only thing I would add to this that the entire foundation of this approach is to have so much confidence in your own self worth that validation from others is nice, but far from necessary.



marduk said:


> Here's the deal. @farsidejunky and @Asladain are the bombs at this, but I'll take a swing at it.
> 
> One of the things I realized is that part of the reason I wanted sex with my wife -- and with women in general -- wasn't just because I'm attracted to them.
> 
> ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> the suits and the cars aren't the problem-- your impulse control is.


QFT.

And the urges that drive the lack of impulse control are rooted in insecurity.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I believe, as you yourself alluded to, that you are not being honest with yourself. Tailored suits and flashy cars and exotic bars tend to relay a message, especially to particular patrons of those exotic bars. You are, in effect, wearing a neon sign that says you are successful and a man of considerable means and that you want everyone to know it. Add to that your admitted control issues and you have a recipe for disaster.

I believe you must examine yourself and try to come to an understanding as to why you feel it is necessary for everyone to take notice of you. It seems to me that you do indeed have very low self esteem and that you need constant reassurance of your worth and you must discover why.

It is one thing to be the best you can be but it is quite another to be better than everyone else. One is an internal measure of you and the other is an outside comparison of you. If you are obsessed with how you measure up against others then your focus will always be to strive to be better than they. However, if your focus is to be the best you that you can be then they will become irrelavent, the women included.

If you consider the caliber of women that are attracted to flamboyant men, especially married ones, would you not see them as lacking character and integrity? So, in reality, how valuable is this "attention" considering its source? Is not your character and integrity worth more than that? Also ask yourself why it so important to you to be the "best dressed man in the room" but not as important, as a H, to be the most faithful man in the room.

Another consideration is honor. Is the sexual experience you would have with one of these women of questionable character of such importance that it is worth your honor? And how would you feel if, at the exact same time that you were "engaging" with one of these women, your W was doing the same with some opportunistic hound in another bar? A "good for the goose, good for the gander" moment indeed. Perhaps you only need to think through a little farther the net gain of this behavior to see that it really is not as good a gauge of your worth as you first perceived it to be and that it does, in fact, lower your standing as opposed to raise it. Something to consider.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

boohoo how can I stop from banging other women when they throw them selves at me.

get over yourself.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> If you consider the caliber of women that are attracted to flamboyant men, especially married ones, would you not see them as lacking character and integrity? So, in reality, how valuable is this "attention" considering its source? Is not your character and integrity worth more than that? Also ask yourself why it so important to you to be the "best dressed man in the room" but not as important, as a H, to be the most faithful man in the room.


caliber of women who are up for this really makes this a total negative, even if you don't care about being honorable, etc.

even if they might be hot, they are certainly crazy.

Any hot, sane woman knows she has many, many options that do not involve this type of drama.

anyone who is up for this sort of thing cannot be trusted.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

When I was a teaching assistant in a Deep South college it was difficult to not take the student's body language, attitude, and above all, attire  into consideration. That was before the days of sexual whatever orientation so many of my fellow TAs were getting the wrong vibes...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think your post makes a lot of sense. Its entirely possible that I'm not at all being honest with myself in this regard. I do like being the best dressed man in the room. Why would this be? Part of it is my upbringing. I was raised to always dress the part. But.....with that said I do like compliments. Being honest I probably get more compliments from other men asking me where'd you get that blazer etc. etc.
> 
> The reason I made my original post is because I'm honestly getting tired of walling myself off. I don't even think that will be successful long term. I think changing the way I think and how I approach things is a much better path to take.


Love your response!

Honestly though, most people do it. We often accentuate what we feel our best assets are.

Even if we don't turn heads or generate compliments or interest, it still gives us confidence in ourselves.

A woman wearing a shirt that accentuates her breasts isn't necessarily doing it to generate looks. It's because that's what she feels most comfortable in. A guy wearing tight jeans isn't necessarily doing it so women will check out his junk or his butt. A guy wearing tailored suits isn't necessarily doing it so he can put on an air of sophistication. It's all what one is most comfortable and therefore confident in wearing.

I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy. Most of my jeans are on the tightish side, but they suit my body better than looser jeans. I'm 5'7, 5'8 on a good day, so looser fitting jeans make me look like I have no legs. The crotch is too long. But I have muscular thighs (naturally. I don't work out) so tighter jeans tend to accentuate certain... areas. And because of that, I have gotten looks on occasion. (not sure if disgust or interest!) But it's what I feel most comfortable in, so, meh.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

NoChoice said:


> Also ask yourself why it so important to you to be the "best dressed man in the room" but not as important, as a H, to be the most faithful man in the room.





chillymorn said:


> boohoo how can I stop from banging other women when they throw them selves at me.
> 
> get over yourself.


He's trying. That's why he's here. That's why he's asking these questions. He WANTS to be faithful and honorable, and he's legitimately asking, not just how to do so, but why he still has these feelings, and how he can avoid doing what he's done in the past.

For most of us, the answer is easy. Others struggle with this sort of thing. For those of us who have never, say, been addicted to drugs (or alcohol, or smoking, or porn), it's easy to stand up and say "just don't do it, duh".

But many people struggle with many different things on a daily basis. This is one of them. And he's working at removing that sort of temptation. That's a GOOD thing.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> boohoo how can I stop from banging other women when they throw them selves at me.
> 
> get over yourself.


I can completely understand your response to my post. I thought I had downplayed that aspect of it well enough so that it wouldn't generate this type of response. I chose not to provide examples of what I have experienced so I wouldn't elicit responses like yours. Also, because if I did provide examples of my experiences. I felt like the replies wouldn't have been on what I was seeking. Which was honest answers on how people handle temptation. I get it though, it does sound whiny. But that doesn't change the fact that its still something that I fear. Thank you for your reply.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Never been a problem, not since I was 17. My theory is I'm Ugly or Rude , or Beta, or something.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I currently in Vegas. Sitting by the pool every day at a large well known hotel. There is surely eye candy of both sexes here a plenty. 

I have zero temptation. My husband is a red head so he's not spending much time by the pool with me. There are hard bodies of both sexes, men and women who could be models. Honestly, I'm checking out the women more than the men and thinking about how I need to work out more lol. The men do nothing for me.

My husband and I were walking through the casino last night and of course we passed loads of people. I said to my husband "do you know why you're so sexy? You don't TRY. Were in Vegas and everyone is dressed to the nines trying to impress and you're walking around in jeans, a Cavs tshirt and a ball cap and you're the sexiest man here"

So what helps me avoid "temptation"? The fact that my husband is - to me - the sexiest man in the room and he's not even trying to be. He's just here, with me. He's mine. I don't NEED anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> I currently in Vegas. Sitting by the pool every day at a large well known hotel. There is surely eye candy of both sexes here a plenty.
> 
> I have zero temptation. My husband is a red head so he's not spending much time by the pool with me. There are hard bodies of both sexes, men and women who could be models. Honestly, I'm checking out the women more than the men and thinking about how I need to work out more lol. The men do nothing for me.
> 
> ...


*Sigh*


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> *Sigh*


What?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wait for them to talk. Then a torrent of stupid nonsense pours out. Problem solved.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> What?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe Sam's wife doesn't verbalize her attraction for him, so he is "sighing" out of jealousy. At least, that be my take on it....:grin2:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> What?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is not very often that I feel envious of anyone about anything, but...it is very nice that you say things like that to your husband.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am going at face value that you honestly can't resist temptation. However the cornerstone of marriage and relationships is sacrafice. One of this is forsaking all others. If you honestly can't resist then maybe you should consider not being part of a couple at all. I know a few guys and one woman who swear off realtionships because they would rather always have options open. Maybe you fit this mold. Not everyone is designed for relationships.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> It is not very often that I feel envious of anyone about anything, but...it is very nice that you say things like that to your husband.


Ohhhh gotcha. I'm sorry.  if it makes you feel any better, he doesn't say these kinds of things to me so I get where you're coming from. I love to compliment him though. He's sexy and I tell him often!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I am going at face value that you honestly can't resist temptation. However the cornerstone of marriage and relationships is sacrafice. One of this is forsaking all others. If you honestly can't resist then maybe you should consider not being part of a couple at all. I know a few guys and one woman who swear off realtionships because they would rather always have options open. Maybe you fit this mold. Not everyone is designed for relationships.


You are right that monogamy isn't for everyone. Being single is honestly something I have considered. But....I stop myself when I really start thinking about it. For starters, I love my wife. Secondly, it seems dumb to leave over something that "could" happen again, but hasn't actually happened.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'll simply add that some people are cheaters and some are not. Opportunity only matters if you are prone to cheat. If you are honest and not prone to cheating, then you won't. It really is that simple.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, I certainly didn't think you did not love your wife. 

What I take from that post is that even though we love someone, we may hurt or harm them due to infidelity. It may not seem such a big deal to you and maybe you don't quite "get" why it is, but you have accepted that other folks believe it is a big deal and your wife does, so you give in. 

Still, it might crush her if you don't control yourself. And, maybe you would actually be happier single and dating? I don't think that's true. I don't know you, though. Just throwing that out there as "food for thought".


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

alexm said:


> He's trying. That's why he's here. That's why he's asking these questions. He WANTS to be faithful and honorable, and he's legitimately asking, not just how to do so, but why he still has these feelings, and how he can avoid doing what he's done in the past.
> 
> For most of us, the answer is easy. Others struggle with this sort of thing. For those of us who have never, say, been addicted to drugs (or alcohol, or smoking, or porn), it's easy to stand up and say "just don't do it, duh".
> 
> But many people struggle with many different things on a daily basis. This is one of them. And he's working at removing that sort of temptation. *That's a GOOD thing.*


I wholeheartedly agree and my post was not meant to provoke anger but rather thought. To examine one's self is the only way I am aware of to gain insight into one's own thoughts and feelings. I posited my comment to perhaps cause the OP to reflect inwardly for the answer.

I believe that when he finds the answer and realizes that he indeed does now want to be the most faithful man in the room, all else notwithstanding, that his problem will no longer be an issue.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> You are right that monogamy isn't for everyone. Being single is honestly something I have considered. But....I stop myself when I really start thinking about it. For starters, I love my wife. Secondly, it seems dumb to leave over something that "could" happen again, but hasn't actually happened.


Well you can't have it both ways. If you love someone you do right by them as you want them to do by you. That means in the presence of temptation you have the ability to say the commitments I made to the woman I love mean more to me than this.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ha ha I'm jumping to the end on this one cause it's easy! In my case, my W saw all kinds of threats. Mind you, I never saw them, but she would say "what was that woman saying to you??? Why was she touching you???" Lol. I, of course, was oblivious.

We went on a cruise and I'm fair skinned so I went to the casino and she layed out. Well I was having a great time, with friendly banter, and my W finally came to the casino. She was like "WTH that dealer is hitting on you so hard! " and I'm like "whatchu talkin' bout Wilson?" (Ancient American cultural reference). Seriously. That was like 25 years ago and I can remember the British girl Katy who sucked so bad at dealing I had to read back the cards and correct her. Yeah ladies I was that clueless 8o

So I suggest you just become clueless to everyone but your wife. Seriously. I only wanted my W and I'm comfortable in my own skin, so I never even perceived an opportunity BECAUSE I WASN'T LOOKING FOR ONE. 

Your ego is stroked when a babe hits on you. I love to look at babes but never consider banging them. Perspective.

Ok I have one more secret weapon. My wife fattened me up over the past couple decades. Seriously. She often joked about it. I was complicit as I really enjoy food. Problem solved


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yeah, I know where you are coming from TheTruthhurts. An honest talk with my XWW recently, I was telling her that I was looking at women differently now, than I ever did when we were married. Sure, I'd notice a hottie, like anyone else - but I'd forget about it after a few seconds. A few weeks after I threw her out of my home, my senses were starting to work.

She told me that women were hitting on my all the time... I really didn't notice.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Basically I don't want to put myself in a situation that could lead to another PA, because I know I'm really susceptible to temptation. These days I even go through extraordinary lengths to avoid common social situations that most people can easily handle. I guess I feel like because I'm a wayward I just don't deal with temptation the way a normal person would/should. I feel like I process things differently, which is why I screwed up in the first place.
> 
> To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite. I'm not claiming this happens everyday, or even every month. But when it does happen it really messes with me. All the voices in my head keep telling me "why not"? Who is going to know, etc. etc.? Its not so much that I do anything. I just hate myself for wanting to. Why can't I just shut it down like everyone else? Its not like I'm unhappy with my life. Or is this normal for everybody?
> 
> I would very much like to change my outlook on this. I'm disturbed that even now I see turning down a sure thing from an attractive woman as a missed opportunity, instead of a dodged bullet. Its twisted logic, and I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram myself. Not sure if there are any answers for me, but I'm certainly interested in opinions.



the question you have to ask yourself is:

"Who am I when no-one is watching?" or "What kind of man do I want to be when no-one is watching?"

The heart of the problem is a problem of the heart in your case. Or maybe much lower down!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

aine said:


> the question you have to ask yourself is:
> 
> *"Who am I when no-one is watching?" or "What kind of man do I want to be when no-one is watching?"*
> 
> The heart of the problem is a problem of the heart in your case. Or maybe much lower down!


These are good questions regarding looking at porn, too. 

Good questions, period.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Fortunately for me I work in a profession that presents me with nearly a 0% of encountering any type of temptation. My life is so boring that I couldn't cheat if I wanted to


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

sapientia said:


> I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I'm repeating something that's already been said.
> 
> How to deal with temptation? By controlling 1) access and, 2) level of need.
> 
> ...


#1 is my method. I call it responsible boundaries.
#2 would require an enthusiastic supply of nutrition. But beating down my ego is working as well.



aine said:


> the question you have to ask yourself is:
> 
> "Who am I when no-one is watching?" or "What kind of man do I want to be when no-one is watching?"
> 
> The heart of the problem is a problem of the heart in your case. Or maybe much lower down!


Thanks Aine,


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mrs. Nail is firmly of the opinion that if she is happy. I must be. Kind of hard to discuss past that.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Basically I don't want to put myself in a situation that could lead to another PA, because I know I'm really susceptible to temptation. These days I even go through extraordinary lengths to avoid common social situations that most people can easily handle. I guess I feel like because I'm a wayward I just don't deal with temptation the way a normal person would/should. I feel like I process things differently, which is why I screwed up in the first place.
> 
> To clarify I'm not that guy that goes around flirting with everyone. I pretty much just go about my business. I also don't follow up when people subtly flirt with me, that's easy to ignore or dismiss. My issue is that whenever a woman is very forward with me its pretty much my kryptonite. I'm not claiming this happens everyday, or even every month. But when it does happen it really messes with me. All the voices in my head keep telling me "why not"? Who is going to know, etc. etc.? Its not so much that I do anything. I just hate myself for wanting to. Why can't I just shut it down like everyone else? Its not like I'm unhappy with my life. Or is this normal for everybody?
> 
> I would very much like to change my outlook on this. I'm disturbed that even now I see turning down a sure thing from an attractive woman as a missed opportunity, instead of a dodged bullet. Its twisted logic, and I'm trying to figure out how to reprogram myself. Not sure if there are any answers for me, but I'm certainly interested in opinions.


I'm super late to this thread. I've chatted with you before a little about some of this. You mentioned something to me that kind of stuck out. Your W doesn't seem to have the same reactions as maybe a "normal" W would have over infidelity. Basically, she is just like...."Oh...don't do it again, please." She doesn't seem to be really hurt by it and doesn't think it's a big deal. 

When my H cheated on me the first time - I felt like my heart exploded. I couldn't breathe. I honestly thought I was going to go insane. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I had thoughts racing and I couldn't even look at him. If he had stabbed me in the throat, it would have been better than cheating on me. 

Do you think that maybe your W's lack of reactions have anything to do with your choices sometimes? Not justifying it at all, I'm just saying...Maybe if it really hurt her, you would think she cared for you more and that she loved you?

Now, I've never cheated before, but I could imagine how I would feel if I stepped out on my H and he was just like, "Uh okay, Game of Thones is on tonight..." You know, just didn't care at all. That would make me feel like maybe he never cared for me at all and that my cheating maybe wasn't so bad - or that maybe he was doing it as well. 

I agree that some people should stay single. My H is probably one of those people too. He didn't stop with just one affair and he's always replacing me with porn. He says he loves me, but I think it's more like he's just comfortable with the way things are. We have children and if we divorced, he would never see them due to his job. So I get to choose to take my kids away from him or not...which makes me the bad guy in that situation, and of course, I can't do that...not now while the kids are so young. They cry like crazy of the thought of him leaving again for work. I couldn't imagine what would happen to them if he couldn't come back. 

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Your W's reactions kind of stuck out to me. Not being hurt by infidelity would seem like something that would maybe make a spouse wonder if they are loved or if they are being used as a personal ATM.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

No sense wondering why. I do and it doesn't get me anywhere. 

She could be one of those women who:

doesn't think sex outside of marriage is a dealbreaker

is cheating or has cheated herself and understands

doesn't really love him

does love him so so much, she can forgive easily

is planning on leaving later in life

is a rugsweeper because she can't handle it and doesn't know what to do

and many more possibilities.

Apparently, they don't talk intimately on a regular basis. You can't have a really good marriage/relationship, if you do not. 

Of course she needs his money, if she is a sahm. That's not an issue. It even could be another reason she has accepted the infidelity, but doesn't take much action. She is afraid. 

Best he works with what he can, himself. He has to choose what he wants to do and then take action. Waiting for change doesn't work.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

My advice would be to stop looking at women like a bowl of potato chips and start looking at them like people.

Some random guy flirts with me? I don't see him as a conquest or an opportunity to scratch my itch. I realize that he has his own motives and agenda. He may seem charming or good looking at first glance, but who knows what baggage he carries, what attitudes he brings to the table? Maybe he is just being friendly, maybe he is hitting on me, but is a serial cheater with a broken hearted wife at home. Maybe he is a crazy psycho. Maybe he is just a lonely guy who wants his own ego stroked. Who knows.

People aren't just objects that exist to gratify you, they are complex, involved, and have their own POV. And maybe you won't see all that with just a quick romp --but then again maybe you will.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> No sense wondering why. I do and it doesn't get me anywhere.
> 
> She could be one of those women who:
> 
> ...


Just wanted to chime in here because my WH is a lot like the thread OP - personally I never really, truly thought my husband would be faithful because he so needed/enjoyed opposite sex validation. Deep down I always expected he'd cheat. Wouldn't be surprised if OP's BW is the same, given their similar characteristics..

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

always_alone said:


> My advice would be to stop looking at women like a bowl of potato chips and start looking at them like people.
> 
> Some random guy flirts with me? I don't see him as a conquest or an opportunity to scratch my itch. I realize that he has his own motives and agenda. He may seem charming or good looking at first glance, but who knows what baggage he carries, what attitudes he brings to the table? Maybe he is just being friendly, maybe he is hitting on me, but is a serial cheater with a broken hearted wife at home. Maybe he is a crazy psycho. Maybe he is just a lonely guy who wants his own ego stroked. Who knows.
> 
> People aren't just objects that exist to gratify you, they are complex, involved, and have their own POV. And maybe you won't see all that with just a quick romp --but then again maybe you will.


Thank you for the reply. I don't feel like I view women as a potato chip until they make it overwhelmingly clear to me that they want to be a chip in my eyes. With that said, I'll admit you are spot on when it comes to the types of people you meet that way. I've invited much turmoil into my life by not being more careful, and paid a heavy cost at times.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Just wanted to chime in here because my WH is a lot like the thread OP - personally I never really, truly thought my husband would be faithful because he so needed/enjoyed opposite sex validation. Deep down I always expected he'd cheat. Wouldn't be surprised if OP's BW is the same, given their similar characteristics..
> 
> Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


Well, I have always enjoyed the attention. And, yes, I never hid who I was from my wife. I admitted my fidelity issues to her when we were dating. Even going as far as telling her when something happened.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> No sense wondering why. I do and it doesn't get me anywhere.
> 
> She could be one of those women who:
> 
> ...


Your post hits very close to home. We actually have talked about why she stays. I don't want her to be judged, so I never really disclose what she says on here. The bottom line is, I don't have to change, there will be no repercussions, but I *want* to change. I think she deserves better. Do I have an open marriage? My answer to that would be no. But I will say that fidelity is definitely number four or five on my wife's list of qualities that make a good husband.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Your post hits very close to home. We actually have talked about why she stays. I don't want her to be judged, so I never really disclose what she says on here. The bottom line is, I don't have to change, there will be no repercussions, but I *want* to change. I think she deserves better. Do I have an open marriage? My answer to that would be no. But I will say that fidelity is definitely number four or five on my wife's list of qualities that make a good husband.


What do you see yourself achieving if you change who you are? What is the ultimate goal?

Do you think this change in you would cause you to see your wife in a different light? Would you still respect her? Would you still want her?

Would she change if you find her unattractive? Would your marriage be over? 

Are you looking for the proverbial perfect marriage?

Just some thoughts I had, if I understand your post correctly. You'll have to answer these for yourself. They will determine what direction you will ultimately go. Only enough answer for you to get some perspective from others is needed here. 

Who(may be plural or singular) is it that you look up to and why?


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Well being as I am single it is an easy question for me to answer. I chat them up and have fun with them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think your wife's becoming willing to hold you accountable would really help you out, RH. It would be a back up to your own self-discipline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sup RH,

Marduk's post was good. I think that's a big part of it.

Here's another, IMHO. You have to allow the fantasy to be good enough. My imagination is pretty awesome. It's helped me not do things that parts of my body really wanted to do. Go within and imagine stuff and leave it there. Rub one out if you have to.

There have also been a handful of times when an encounter could have led somewhere. In that case, I just allow myself to enjoy the little thing it was. A simple joy of a woman smiling with intent at you, or a touch on the arm. Just smirk, raise your eyebrows and continue with your day. Leave it a nice little memory instead of grabbing all the cookies.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I think we all experience temptations in life. For me I always thought about my wonderful wife and beautiful life I had and would never have done anything to screw that up. Too bad my wife didn't think that same thing when the situation arose. Some people don't cross lines, some do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Just wanted to chime in here because my WH is a lot like the thread OP - personally *I never really, truly thought my husband would be faithful because he so needed/enjoyed opposite sex validation. Deep down I always expected he'd cheat.* Wouldn't be surprised if OP's BW is the same, given their similar characteristics..


That's sad.

You really do deserve better.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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