# Am I An Abusive Husband?



## bogey (Feb 17, 2012)

So things haven't really been going well these last few weeks. Up until a few days ago my wife and I have been civil to eachother, engaging in small talk and what not, but nothing to really address the issues we are currently having and lately its been boiling over...but nothing this bad; last night was the breaking point. Basically it started off when I asked if she cleaned the window shutters (something she had been promising to get done but kept putting off for a while) and of course she forgot again. At this point she gets all pissy and on the defensive for some reason and starts bringing up little things that I forget to do and how I'm always criticizing her, etc. By now we are screaming at eachother. I finally gave up and try to diffuse the situation by walking away because I know where this is going but she just kept pestering me and pestering me. Finally the conversation ends and she says to me "you're so f*ckin' weak". Now i never laid a finger on her before but what she said struck a nerve in me this time. I got in her face and pushed her hard into the wall. She said I hurt her arm and she was fighting back tears. I immediately said sorry and she forgave me eventually but i felt bad the rest of the night. I didn't mean to hurt her i just got pissed and lost my head for a minute

should I be worried about a possible divorce at this point? did I cross the line? where do we go from where?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, you are an abusive husband.

You should have walked away.


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## SOLONELY85 (Mar 1, 2012)

Everybody gets mad at things that are said that may be negative, but that doesn't mean you have to use force do you know if you would have talked to her and explained how upset that made you feel when she called you "weak" that probably would have been much more effective and she would have realized it wasn't right. 
I don't know about divorce but maybe if she is willing to forgive you maybe you should go to anger management just so you know what to do if there is another situation like it. Good Luck!!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I just have to ask though, if you wanted the window shutters done so bad, could you just have done them instead of asking her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

She doesn't need to name call and you aren't allowed to push her. It is abuse - but a one off incident does not necessarily make you an abusive husband.

You made a mistake. Don't let it ever, ever happen again. As long as you are aware of it you can make sure you control your anger. Sometimes we do get to breaking points. Know your limits and when to walk away.


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## bogey (Feb 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, you are an abusive husband.
> 
> *You should have walked away.*


i did try but she kept trying to push my buttons


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## bogey (Feb 17, 2012)

Cherry said:


> I just have to ask though, if you wanted the window shutters done so bad, could you just have done them instead of asking her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i didn't necessarily want them done 'so bad' it was something she brought up before that she was going to do but kept forgetting about it. i brought up the window shutters as a kind of conversation starter and it all went to **** after that


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

bogey said:


> i did try but she kept trying to push my buttons


We all know that feeling when it feels someone is out to taunt you or they're up in your face. But you just need to control your anger or direct it somewhere else. Go for a walk. Exercise it out. Just don't see that much red that you lash out. We all have to control ourselves in life or we'd deck half the people we come across.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

bogey said:


> i did try but she kept trying to push my buttons


Something my psychiatrist told me was that people don't make you physically assault them, you choose to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bogey said:


> i did try but she kept trying to push my buttons


You sound like you're 4 years old, "Look what she made me do"

Stop blameshifting and grow up.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I do think both of you share in the escalation of the argument. But yes, you should have just walked away, ignored her words and name calling. Take a breather, while hopefully she's doing the same . Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If she is anywhere near postmenopausal stage in her life... You might want to reconsider how you bring things up.?

j


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## bogey (Feb 17, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Something my psychiatrist told me was that people don't make you physically assault them, you choose to do so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that's probably true but its hard not to resort to that when someone's screaming in your face


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you want to justify what you did. So I stand by my answer to your question: Yes, you are an abusive husband.

She's not the best wife, but you didn't ask about her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bogey said:


> i did try but she kept trying to push my buttons


This is not an excuse. Her pushing your buttons does not justify your pushing her and hitting her.

One of the main differences between humans and animals is that humans have 100% control over how we react to things.

For example you wife's words/behaviors angered you at the moment it happened. But a person who has self control (as we all should) will stop and evaluate how to respond. You decided to just let yourself attack her. The right thing to do was to keep moving away from her. You had a choice. You made the worng choice. YOu are lucky that she did not call the police on her.

You both sound out of control. You can change this. When a discussion with her turns angry, walk away. Just tell her you will not enage in angry arguments and either go to another room and close the door or leave the house for a while.


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

I do not believe that a man or woman should ever lay a hand on one another. I do believe that it is each persons responsibility to not cross the line, why is it so acceptable for (a woman or man) to continue to push someones button by yelling, or name calling and the other person (man or woman) should be the stronger one to walk away. It is both parties responsibility to not cross the line. Get out of the other persons face with your yelling and provoking, be strong enough to shut up!!!!! while the other party is strong enough not to walk away!!!
abuse is abuse verbal or physical it all hurts the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bogey said:


> that's probably true but its hard not to resort to that when someone's screaming in your face


Then you have self control issues. You can over come this with practice.

What you do is to practice in front of a mirror. Imagine arguments you have had with her... like this one. Imagine her going off on you. You say out loud STOP, I'm not staying for this. Then you walk away. Imagine her continuing to yell and taunt you.. but you keep walking away, out the front door. Go for a walk, go get a coffee, something anything.

Practice this over and over until it's your normal reaction.

When she is calm tell her that from now on you will not engage in angry arguments. So from now on you will either go to a room and close the door or leave the house for a while. This will give each of you a chance to calm down. This way she knows what you are doing and why.

Then leave the next time this nonsense starts, and every time it starts. Eventually you will have trained the both of you to not have angry yelling matches. And you will prevent yourself from being an physcally abusive husband.. physical abuse is a crime and you can end up with a criminal record over it.


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

Should have read strong enough to walk away


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I must admit, what she called you even struck a nerve with me. Regardless however it's never right to put your hands on a woman and I commend you for at least feeling guilty afterwards.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bogey said:


> So things haven't really been going well these last few weeks. Up until a few days ago my wife and I have been civil to eachother, engaging in small talk and what not, but nothing to really address the issues we are currently having and lately its been boiling over...but nothing this bad; last night was the breaking point.* Basically it started off when I asked if she cleaned the window shutters (something she had been promising to get done but kept putting off for a while) and of course she forgot again .* At this point she gets all pissy and on the defensive for some reason and starts bringing up little things that I forget to do and how I'm always criticizing her, etc. By now we are screaming at eachother. I finally gave up and try to diffuse the situation by walking away because I know where this is going but she just kept pestering me and pestering me. Finally the conversation ends and she says to me "you're so f*ckin' weak". Now i never laid a finger on her before but what she said struck a nerve in me this time. I got in her face and pushed her hard into the wall. She said I hurt her arm and she was fighting back tears. I immediately said sorry and she forgave me eventually but i felt bad the rest of the night. I didn't mean to hurt her i just got pissed and lost my head for a minute
> 
> should I be worried about a possible divorce at this point? did I cross the line? where do we go from where?


From what you said and the way you said it "and of course she forgot again" does sound like you were picking on her and looking for a fight.

If cleaning the blinds is not all that important to you.. not important enough for you to do it yourself, then why would you even care if she did them or forgot to do them? The issue seems to be not about the blinds but that she forgot . And you wanted to pick on her forgetfulnees.

That is also abuse. It's called emotional abuse.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

How long have you been married? My husband and I did not know how to fight in the beginning of our marriage. I knew when I had enough and would burst. I would try to walk away to calm down. He would follow me making things worse. Would even stand in a doorway blocking my exit. That would lead to me being physical with him to get away. (Can't stand being locked up) He wouldn't move when I asked 50 times. Would stay there to push my buttons. I was trying to do the right thing by walking away to get myself under control. I knew my limitations. He wouldn't respect them.

We've been married now for 14 years. Years ago we learned that if one of us needs a break from the argument the other will let them take it. We can then come back to the table calmed down and discuss things. So basically I was physically abusive to him when he was emotional abusive to me. I needed to get away at the moment and he wouldn't let me.

No more abuse on either side for a long time. Neither one of us was right and we realized that. Doing that once does not make you an abusive husband. Not stopping the cycle and doing it again will. Talk to her about fighting. If one of you needs a break because they have reached their limit then agree on it. No more name calling or physical abuse from either of you. Both of you should set arguing boundaries and stick with them no matter how angry you get.


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