# fertileground's separation journal



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi all,
So I have been coming on here daily and soaking up all your wonderful advice. My husband and I separated in September, to try a 6 month trial separation. 4 months in, and it does not look like any reconciliation is happening. 
Our story, we dated for five years and have been married for 20 years. Both of our children have struggled (one with depression, and one with OCD). We have struggled mightily with parenting issues, for we have polar opposite opinions on what to do. For the past year or two, we had daily conflict at the home- some pretty awful, particularly between my husband and our eldest child. we tried marital counseling and family counseling, with kids, but no progress. 
This summer, my husband asked for a separation, basically asking me to leave our home. (We jointly own it, but it is on land that is owned by his family, and all of his siblings live there as well). I did end up moving out, with our kids (after discussing it with a lawyer).

I guess I feel stupid that I am still sad and crying, when I know how difficult life was in the house. I am still wishing that it could be different. I have a 6 month lease, but need to inform the landlords soon what my plans are. So, now I need to come up with a way to discuss it with my husband. I don't feel like I am ready to divorce, but there has been very little contact or communication during the separation. So, it looks like the separation will continue.
Any thoughts or advice out there?


----------



## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this fertileground. I'm just at the beginning of a 6 month separation. I'm not sure I have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Maybe try asking yourself why you don't want the divorce. Is it because you love him and feel there is still hope? Or is it because you cannot bear the massive life changes that divorcing will bring?


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this fertileground. I'm just at the beginning of a 6 month separation. I'm not sure I have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Maybe try asking yourself why you don't want the divorce. Is it because you love him and feel there is still hope? *Or is it because you cannot bear the massive life changes that divorcing will bring?*


^^^THIS^^^

You have to be prepared to lose your marriage to save it.


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Thanks for your responses. I do think I have a lot of fear towards going forward. I am 49, and have been with my husband for the last twenty-five years. It is a little scary, ok, a lot scary thinking that I am now alone. I just want to be happy.
Does anyone on the boards have a crystal ball???


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Well, today is technically my 21st wedding anniversary. Still separated, with very little hope. I just still feel it is so sad that we could not make it work. 
we have lived apart for almost 11 months. When does is stop feeling sad?


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Has divorce been filed?


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

no, neither of us have used the "D" word. not sure why he hasn't yet, could be emotional reasons, could be financial reasons. For me, even though our relationship was often difficult, there is part of me that keeps remembering the good times, and, to be honest, I am not quite ready emotionally to file.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I missed this posting back in January, but if I had, I would have told you that before you moved out to separate there needs to be a plan. Separation is usually done to allow both parties to heal and gain perspective, or to prepare for divorce. Since there does not appear to be a plan to heal the relationship, it seems that divorce is the glide path that you are on right now.


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

well, all, I haven't posted in a long time- mostly just lurking. It has helped me to follow your threads and get your advice. I found out in October of this year, that my husband has had a girlfriend for a long time- most of the time we have been separated. We are planning on filing after the holidays. 
I am living my life- work, doing things with friends, but if I am completely honest, I haven't completely let go of him yet. (Still wishing it could work). I think I need one of Conrad's 2 by 4's. 
I know that holidays bring up a lot of emotions, as does the knowledge that we will be getting a divorce. So, I am feeling really sad today- and also kinda mad at myself for holding on to a thread- when it was gone a long time ago. I know I have asked this before- but how do you completely let go- when that person has been in your life for 27 years?


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

fertileground said:


> well, all, I haven't posted in a long time- mostly just lurking. It has helped me to follow your threads and get your advice. I found out in October of this year, that my husband has had a girlfriend for a long time- most of the time we have been separated. We are planning on filing after the holidays.
> I am living my life- work, doing things with friends, but if I am completely honest, I haven't completely let go of him yet. (Still wishing it could work). I think I need one of Conrad's 2 by 4's.
> I know that holidays bring up a lot of emotions, as does the knowledge that we will be getting a divorce. So, I am feeling really sad today- and also kinda mad at myself for holding on to a thread- when it was gone a long time ago. I know I have asked this before- but how do you completely let go- when that person has been in your life for 27 years?


One day, one tear, at a time...


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Last night, I talked to a friend of mine. He informed me that he had actually seen my husband with this woman before we separated- so my STBX husband has been lying to me for a long time (the -insert your favorite swear word- jerk). I feel like the band aid has slowly been pulled off, and wish it had been a little quicker so I could have grieved it and been done with it.
My ex also told me that he wants our kids to meet the POSOW. And, he offered to introduce me to her as well. I told him that technically I was still his wife and had no interest in meeting his girlfriend.
So, this holiday has certainly been emotional. i am trying to get through it, and begin to move on.


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

And, Honorbound, thanks for your reply- it is so true


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

So, I had a lovely day with my in-laws (STBX was there too). However, it makes me sad because next year, he will probably be bringing the OW, and I will probably not be going. I love his family, and have been with them for holidays for more than 25 years, so it really hurts.
And- as I was leaving, I saw her car driving up to ex's house (my former home). This whole thing sucks- the separation was so hard- and now seeing him getting serious about someone else, while we are technically still married hurts too. I feel like Charlie Brown, "AARGGH!"


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Consider moving back to your former home. You have not filed for divorce yet and you own half of it. This might seem confrontational and it is, but it will give you a stronger position before divorcing. I assume that you have not signed any formal agreement.

Why should he get the home just because it is on someone else's land.

You need a better lawyer.

How are you financially? Do you both work?

In your dealings with your cheating stbx you need to stand tall. Shoulders out. Look him in the eye. Keep you voice level. No chit chat. If he says you are inconveniencing him, being difficult or whatever, just reply, "sorry you feel that way."

If he presses you to make a decision of any kind that might hurt your interests, just reply: "I'll think it over and let you know."

Showing restraint and being hard, will do more to shake up his relationship with her than being weak. Begging will not get him back. It is not sexy. Do not cry. 

Do not use your children as weapons. Do not argue about physical or legal custody, unless you feel he is unfit.

He cheated - you have every right to feel angry. Now use that anger to be kind to yourself.

p.s. Did you ever read Briar Rabbit to your children or watch Road Runner cartoons? You have to have that sort of spirit now. And remember if you stand up for yourself in a dignified way, you will win more sympathy from the women in stbx's family. You are not a nobody to them. But even if they all betray you, remember that you cannot afford to be passive.


----------



## Wanttoliveagain (Nov 2, 2013)

fertileground said:


> Last night, I talked to a friend of mine. He informed me that he had actually seen my husband with this woman before we separated- so my STBX husband has been lying to me for a long time (the -insert your favorite swear word- jerk). I feel like the band aid has slowly been pulled off, and wish it had been a little quicker so I could have grieved it and been done with it.


I can understand this completely: if you had known the real situation, you may have had months to move forward instead of hanging on.

I really have a tough time respecting liars. Omission or commision. What happened to you is really unfair, and you have a right to be very angry. I feel for you. I'm in a state of limbo, but it seems my H is still faithful, I invite him to tell me if there's anyone else, it would also help me move forward. He gives me some hope by what he says (won't get into that) but not much with his actions.

I really feel the pain in your posts - with the length of your M, the closeness of your family, the presence of OW...let me say you have my total respect. I wish you the best fertile...really. Keep coming back, keep hanging in, and like the other poster said, you have a right to get really angry and fight with all you can muster for your own best interests. 

I would give this advice to myself if my situation turns out like yours, which it very easily could. You deserve waaay better and you're being treated like total crap. You need to be getting more for yourself. Every penny your H is spending on OW right now while you're still married...it makes my blood boil. 

I hope you have a strong support network, you will get through this. Protecting yourself with dignity won't hurt your chances with him in case you are afraid of this?


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi all, 
Thanks for your posts! I am trying to be strong. Today, I called my lawyer and made an appointment for Monday to get the ball rolling. I know that it is time.
My Stbxh wanted us to do mediation- but I am too nice, and do not think I would be tough enough. I need a lawyer who will say things like,"That is not in my client's best interest." So, it will be expensive, but necessary (ex has his own company, so we will need to have a value determined on that). I am a school teacher, so am not rich by any means, but he has a company with 30-40 employees. so, wish me luck!


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

I heard a great quote the other day that is really helping me. "Let go or get dragged!" I think I am going to put that on my bathroom mirror!


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

How are you doing fertile?


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi. thanks for asking. I am doing fairly well. Work is always hectic, which keeps my mind busy, at least during the day. I still think about the past too often, but am at the point that I realize divorce is inevitable. 
I met with a lawyer and am meeting with STBX on Sunday to discuss the process. Was planning to start this last month, but it didn't happen (some family stuff, some kid stuff, and, to be honest, some avoidance). 
This whole thing still sucks. I just feel like I got ripped off. I am trying to plan some fun things to do with friends. Not ready to date- that seems like a whole new scary world (my last "first date" was in the 80's!!!! lol). Not sure how to even start that- I work with all women, and I am not sure about internet dating. And, I am not a bar hook-up kind of person. 
So, to answer your question- today I am ok. Not sure how I will feel tomorrow, definitely don't know how I will feel on Sunday, but today I am ok (and that is good enough for me right now).


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Hang in there. Wish it was easier for you.

We are much in the same boat. My last "date" before my STBXW was in the 80's too.

My understanding of Mediation was that it isn't easier, just less confrontational and far less expensive. The same steps are taken essentially.


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi,
Well, I met with STBX about a week ago. we talked for about an hour and a half, discussed our feelings and talked about starting the divorce process. It was a sad discussion, but I was glad that I got the chance to say all the things I had been feeling.
I have felt ok the past week, (sad, but more resolved to this).
But then, today, I am PISSED! In December, my ex said he wanted our boys to meet his girlfriend. They told him that they did not want to meet her. My youngest said he was afraid that his dad would at some point just ambush him with the girlfriend. I had told my ex about his son's concerns, and he said he would not do that to him. Well, I found out this morning that in January, my son was over there and his father said, "Oh, by the way, that car driving up is my girlfriend. She is coming over to hang out with us." I am so BLEEPING angry. What kind of person does that? He obviously didn't care anything at all about his son's feelings. 
When my son told me today, he then said, "It didn't really bother me. He does things like this all the time." AARGH! My teenagers are more considerate and understanding than their father, who is supposed to be the grownup!


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

fertileground said:


> Hi,
> Well, I met with STBX about a week ago. we talked for about an hour and a half, discussed our feelings and talked about starting the divorce process. It was a sad discussion, but I was glad that I got the chance to say all the things I had been feeling.
> I have felt ok the past week, (sad, but more resolved to this).
> But then, today, I am PISSED! In December, my ex said he wanted our boys to meet his girlfriend. They told him that they did not want to meet her. My youngest said he was afraid that his dad would at some point just ambush him with the girlfriend. I had told my ex about his son's concerns, and he said he would not do that to him. Well, I found out this morning that in January, my son was over there and his father said, "Oh, by the way, that car driving up is my girlfriend. She is coming over to hang out with us." I am so BLEEPING angry. What kind of person does that? He obviously didn't care anything at all about his son's feelings.
> When my son told me today, he then said, "It didn't really bother me. He does things like this all the time." AARGH! My teenagers are more considerate and understanding than their father, who is supposed to be the grownup!


If your kids are old enough to understand the truth your STBXH is acting foolish and dumb. There's no chance they will accept/respect her right away, if ever.

But don't expect STBXH to understand this, right....I mean, what does he know about loyalty?


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

This is going to sound strange, but in a weird way, I am glad that I found out he ambushed my son with his girlfriend. I have spent so much time stuck in "sad", wishing things were different. This was another reminder that he is a person who does what HE wants, not caring about our feelings. It makes me realize that I am lucky to not be spending the rest of my life with him.


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hey all,
I haven't posted in a long time, but often read the boards for the wisdom and support on there. I am in the middle of the divorce process. We have had valuations on the pensions, house, and ex's company. I still have a few more meetings to get through. Not fun, but I'm getting through them.

Found out last night from my son that ex's girlfriend is moving into what is still legally my home on January 1st. My son's grandmother told him. My ex did not tell the kids, and obviously I was not informed either. why am I so surprised that once again he doesn't think that he should at least tell his children in advance so they can adjust to it. I can't decide if he has some disorder (he has always been totally passive-aggressive) or if he is just a jerk.


----------



## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

I just am so pissed off. I have never felt like this. I am typically a nice person, but really feel like throttling my ex. My youngest son told his dad that he did not want to stay overnight at the house because he was upset about not being told about the girlfriend moving in. My ex told him that he hadn't told him because he was waiting for him to ask about the relationship. He blamed our son for not asking him about his life. REALLY? Are you KIDDING me? As a 50 something adult, it is his responsibility to tell us, or at least the kids, that someone is moving into what was our home.
My smart son responded by saying, "Dad, you are still legally married to mom. why would I ask about another relationship?"


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

fg,

Just read through your thread. I think it would be healthier for you to detach completely from what your stbxh is doing with his gf.

Join an exercise class/gym and get in really good shape. Go buy yourself some new flattering clothes. Go to the beauty shop and get your hair done. Join a club and/or pick up some new hobbies. Don't know much about them but perhaps one of those divorce recovery groups that churches run would help?

I've heard @ TAM, the best revenge is to live a good and happy life.

Perhaps it would help to come up with a one liner to use with your kids when they report stbx latest outrageous move? "Sorry son, I don't agree with him having a gf and shacking up when we are still legally M but I have no control over what your father does. I'll do the best I can here in our home to provide a moral example for you"


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

fertileground said:


> Hi,
> 
> But then, today, I am PISSED! In December, my ex said he wanted our boys to meet his girlfriend. They told him that they did not want to meet her. My youngest said he was afraid that his dad would at some point just ambush him with the girlfriend....
> 
> When my son told me today, he then said, "It didn't really bother me. He does things like this all the time."


I know its and old quote but I want to point something out as you still seem to be getting reports from your sons that set you off.

It happened in December and your son didn't tell you till March (when you posted the above). Why did your son wait so long to tell you? Because he knew that you would be angry.

Be careful not to put your sons in the middle. They are not the ones divorcing. He's still their father and they are not going to be angry with him for this like you are. 

Are your sons in counseling? If not, I think it would be a good idea.


----------

