# How to feel like you won, even though you were cheated on



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

(inspired by another thread)

So this got me thinking about something I had never thought about before, even 5 years after my ex cheated and split: How I feel that I still "won", even though we who have been cheated on are pre-dispositioned to feel like we lost.

And I'm not talking about revenge, like "I let the air out of her tires" or "I ruined her career". I mean the things we can, and have done that have made us feel like the victors.

Maybe a list of how those of us who went through this ultimately got through with our heads held high will help those who come here who are going through this right now.

Here goes:

- The fact that I looked at my ex with such disgust (even though I wasn't making an act of it, or doing it on purpose) no doubt registered with her the last few times we saw each other. In the case of my ex, she loved me, but she wasn't in love with me. (common excuse). I don't believe she wanted, or relished the fact, that she hurt me. I DO believe she loved me. So when we last saw each other, it likely registered with her that I had no feelings for her whatsoever. And that had to have hurt.

- NOT freaking out on the cheater, after the original discovery. They are usually in the mindset that you are going to chase them, or otherwise show them some sort of attention, positive or negative. As soon as I realized my wife (at the time) was involved in something that she was not going to come back from, I didn't bother trying to get her to change her mind. These people expect, (and in some cases, WANT) this type of attention.

Even if they want to just move on with their lives with their new partner, if you just allow them to, without interfering in any way, it can still be hurtful to them. Just because they don't feel the same way about you, as you did them, doesn't mean they didn't expect you to at least try to change their mind. And when you don't, they'll likely wonder why. They are usually selfish narcissists who crave attention, positive or negative. If you don't feed the fires of drama, they'll be left wondering.

My ex wife went from being friendly and nice to me the last time we physically saw each other (while also pretending to be "sad") to blunt and sometimes rude emails, several months later. I believe she was pissed that I just let her go like that. The last time I saw her, she was due to move out of the country (where her new guy lived, long story). I didn't have any contact with her after that last time. Several months passed, and she found some excuse to email me, most likely because she had expected to hear from me in some way. Like "hey, how are you doing?" or "I miss you, hope things are well." She got none of that, so she contacted me. And she wasn't nearly as friendly as she had been at our last contact. It was basically and admonishment for me not sending her an email letting her know how our pets were doing, etc. And that pissed her off.


- By simply moving on with your life, in every way possible. My ex wife moved out of the house, when her EA (probable PA) came to my attention. Because we shared several pets, she was over many times over the ensuing months to visit them, usually when I was not there. Like most people in her position, she was likely expecting me to have gone through this massive depression (which I did) and that the house would be dirty, stuff everywhere, etc. I kept the house even more spotless than it usually had been.

When she let me know she'd like to spend time with the pets, I always said sure, no problem, I have this place to go, or I'm going out with one of my friends, or whatever. Even if I had to scramble to make myself busy sometimes. I always gave her MY schedule, didn't always abide by hers, and I made it seem like I had no shortage of places to go and people to see. Even better, I'd let her know that her time/schedule didn't work on occasion because I was having somebody over. Or more than one person. Sometimes it was true, sometimes it wasn't. The second time I pulled that excuse, she asked who. I said "nobody you know", and it left her guessing. (in that case, it was true, but it was just a guy friend of mine coming over to hang out. For all she knew, it was some girl I just met.)

- I always tried to keep a positive outlook on things, especially while I was in contact with her. But without going overboard and appearing like it was fake optimism (which it was at times). Show that you're happy, not just "dealing". This is a hard one to do, because it's not easy to fake happiness when you're actually quite miserable. It's all about subtlety. This person has probably known you for years, so if you come across as happier than you ever were, they'll think you're either faking it, or going through some sort of mental breakdown.

- Once, I stopped by her rented place to drop a few things off that she had requested, but I arrived unannounced. I caught her in her bathrobe, and she invited me in to just bring in a few boxes of stuff. She seemed quite nervous, but because she had asked that I bring this stuff by, and I had it all with me, she couldn't just say "come back later". It took me 2 seconds to realize her new boyfriend (whom I never met) was upstairs. There were men's clothes neatly folded in plain view of the foyer, and she had her ironing board our, and was obviously in the middle of doing his clothes. Because he was from another country/continent, it wasn't a case of him having left behind some stuff.

I didn't let on that I knew she wasn't alone. When my/our dog (who was now living with her, as well as one of our cats) saw me and came running, I took the opportunity to "stay awhile" lol! I was there probably 1/2 an hour, playing with the dog, petting the cat, and shooting the **** with my ex wife, who was uncomfortable as all hell because her new guy was upstairs, and I pretended that I didn't know. She excused herself 5 minutes in and went upstairs to "get something", where she probably told the guy to be perfectly quiet and not walk around or come downstairs. Hilarious!

I made sure to keep our conversation pleasant and upbeat, and I was friendly and talkative and happy. So if new guy heard me, I wasn't acting like a sad, angry jerk.

- Don't ever be spiteful! I could have changed the locks, not allowed her in the house to see our pets, or otherwise made her life hell. When you do this type of thing, it's attention, and it shows that, not only are you hurt, but that they were right to leave you. Being mean to them just adds fuel to their justification for moving on from you, to somebody else. Their new partner is so nice and awesome and thoughtful (well, duh, it's a new relationship!) while here you are being a jerk.


Please add to this, and remember, this isn't about revenge, per se, it's about the subtle "revenge" (quotation marks) that can get inside their heads!


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

I always think that success is the best revenge. There's no better way to rubbing it in her face than being happy and successful in your life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think my ex may have cheated on me, but I don't know for sure and really don't care. I divorced her for many other reasons and that had little influence on my decision.

Success is indeed the best "revenge." It's not even revenge - happiness is its own reward, and does not require someone else's pain to make it worthwhile. My success was making a far better and happier life for myself, and finding my ideal match, whom I eventually married.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

dont think it happens in all cases, and may take many months if not years, for the WS to have their new relationship fizzle out, thats when they really come to their senses and reflect back on the terrible choices they have made. A few BS have received hart felt apologies, but by then its too late.

for me that would be "victory" to see the WS actually humble themself, come to term with what they have really done, and regret it for the rest of their life.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

alexm said:


> I believe she was pissed that I just let her go like that. The last time I saw her, she was due to move out of the country (where her new guy lived, long story). I didn't have any contact with her after that last time. Several months passed, and she found some excuse to email me, most likely because she had expected to hear from me in some way.


You are so right about this; and it rings true with me from an inconsequential personal experience.

My wife and I were having a conversation about this guy where she works (a big shot) who is going through a divorce because his wife of 20+ years left him .... for no reason. I said to my wife that most likely there was someone else in her life and that it will come out in short order. 

So my wife gave me a hypothetical question and asked me: if she left, would I fight for her? 

So I asked her: if she left because she met someone else. 

She said: no, I just don't want to be married anymore.

I responded that I would try to work on what is wrong with the marriage and make a best effort to fix things, if I could.

Then she said: what if there was someone else?

I responded (word for word): then you can go fvck yourself and die. In fact I better never see you again; for your own sake.

Let me tell you, she was pissed when I said that. She said that she can't believe that I wouldn't fight for her. They all want to be fought over! Even the loyal ones!

My response was simple: I'm no one's second choice, I'm not going to fight someone else for a person who vowed to be loyal to me and I'll never take anyone's used sloppy seconds. And I also said that she should know what I would do from how I reacted when she was e-mailing her ex-boyfriend. 

I'm telling you she was pissed for a while, but there is no doubt that she understands where I'm coming from. In the past she has given me the old "I'll cut your balls off" if I caught I caught you cheating during conversations; so it goes both ways.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

My ex is a socio-path with control issues. Even over a decade after the divorce she tries to exert some control on me and my life but she can't because I don't allow it.

Why did I win?

Because I look at where I'm at today. A healthy, happy, stable man who's happily married to the most amazing woman with 3 beautiful and amazing kids (2 with my ex and 1 with my wife).


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"it likely registered with her that I had no feelings for her whatsoever."

I think this is big.

I know when my exgf (who had cheated) wanted to get back with me 8 months after I ended the relationship, it REALLY bothered her that I had zero interest in her anymore and no desire to renew the relationship (we had been discussing M).

I'm sure it shocked and hurt her that she was dead to me emotionally.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

> for me that would be "victory" to see the WS actually humble themself, come to term with what they have really done, and regret it for the rest of their life.


That is the ultimate victory. A moralistic victory of good triumph over evil and of truth over deceit. Things like revenge affairs, public humiliations, etc hold little value to me, and will paint me as a bitter, angry, and lunatic husband unable to let go of an ex. Instead, I want the WS to experience the disappointments of life. I want the harsh sunlight of reality to pierce the mental fog of an affair, and let her realize that an affair is not a garden of eden, but rather the valley of shadows and death. 

Perhaps she will truly be remorseful. Perhaps she will experience just a hint of pain they caused upon their loved ones. The realization of her betrayal, the sick desperation of wanting to be back, and the sheer regret of her stupidity will be more effective than any psychiatrist of consoler. If she is a lucky woman, maybe the true remorse will win back her BS. However, life is not all rainbow and sunshine, and no matter how heartfelt that pain, the BS will have moved on with his happy life.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I have been promoted 3 times since then. I make over 4x as much as I did then. I have a lot of things going for me. The OM was forced out of his job, his friends circle, and moved out of town. He fell off the face of the earth and that's fine by me. 

The wife is 100% devoted, there is nothing more I could ask of her other than turning back time. 

But no, I will never feel like I've "won". I lost a lot of things back then. I don't think they will ever be as they were before. 

It's a helluva thing when one compromises on values they never thought they would have to.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you have shed yourself of a cheating bat who was never into you, you have absolutely won. Pity the poor sap that ends up with her. That used to be you. You are free to develop a relationship with an honorable person. The most glorious favor my ex ever did for me was to cheat on me. That's been years ago. She's made at least 4 men miserable wrecks since and she's still not happy. My life was instantly and greatly improved the second she was not in it.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Most of the time its hard to feel like you won anything of value if you stay. Leaving tells the world i deserve better than being plan b. After my divorce i truly felt like the universe had been reset. Clean slate. And looking back i was right. 
Starting over can be scary or exciting. Sometimes both. But i dont know anyone who regrets it, besides the cheater left behind.


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## Yankee99 (Nov 4, 2013)

Wish I had all that self control! Nicely done.


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