# trust issues



## North (Aug 30, 2011)

Hello, 
My husband and I have been married for nearly 11 years, we have children, and I thought we were relatively content. He has always seemed a little secretive, which I put down to him being the only child of an only child. 
We had had a disagreement a few nights before over handling of our child's behaviour, and afterwards he kept shutting down the window on his laptop whenever I came near. So I checked the history, and it was full of porn, live cam sites, a porn chat forum, an alias email address, a suicide forum and information about bipolar. 
I tackled him about it all immediately, and he seemed so devestated. He says it has all been looking, not meeting anyone, and he is so sorry. He says he is not suicidal, he says he thought he might have bipolar, but now doesn't. I think he is depressed, and has been for a while, but until this revelation he has denied the possibility. I want to believe him. I love him so much, until that day I wanted more children with him. But now I cannot trust him. He said this has going on for years. 
The email alias is what is causing me the biggest issue. I hacked it (I know I shouldn't have, but I needed to know). And now I can't get rid of the idea there are more aliases. I find myself checking for possible psuedonyms on Google, checking the email address (he has now shut it down), hunting for him on Facebook (He left around about the time this must have started). 
I don't know what to do. I want to trust my husband. I want to know what I need to do to heal this. But at the moment I feel like I am constantly watching what he is doing at home. When he is at work I am wondering if he is really at work. His job has some rather sporadic hours, and I am wondering if it really does or if it was a cover. Of course he is saying he was always at work, but if he is lying to me he would say that. I have no way to check. 
I feel like I am going mad.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Maybe you should talk to him abut going to therapy, since he is depressed, and they will be able to determine if he has bipolar.

What were his was his reason behind the alias email address? did he say why he had the need to join and pron forum and live cam chats? I myself consider the live porn chats cyber cheating if he in fact partook in it. You can get a key logger put on the computer, then you would know everything he was doing on the computer when you are not around.

Regarding his work, are you able to tell by the amount of money on his check if he is at work or not? if you are not able to tell from his check stub should keep a log of the times he says he is at work tally the hours and amount he got paid.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

This requires very aggressive action. 

He needs serious help- and now. Not some counselor who will map out his frigging personality type ("frog, dolphin or turtle...") and leave him hanging, but a PhD psychiatrist. A good one. He must be properly diagnosed, medicated and monitored if depression or bi-polar is involved. Without this as a bare minimum, you will lose him one way or another. 

If you really love him, tough love is required here.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Hard to tell from the OP if his porn watching is habitual or something he did post argument.

I'm not saying it's a good thing by any means, but you ARE seeing a worst case scenario with each bit of evidence.

Eg. An alias e-mail address may be just an address to register at sites with to save spam coming to his usual addy.

Cam sites typically have a free chat lobby for each cam. There's a world of difference between having a look and paying to go private with the girl/couple. His credit card statements can tell you that.

You saw him shutting his laptop. That OUGHT to have prompted him to delete his history - more so than any time(s) you didn't catch him. That he didn't suggests that MAYBE you've found all that there is to find.

Again, I don't suggest you shouldn't be concerned but work with the evidence you have and don't assume it's worse than it is.

He's also been quite forthcoming since you tackled him. No way to tell if or what he's holding back,, but there's no mention of him blaming you and he, at least partially, admits to having a problem. Not ideal, but encouraging.

If you both think he's depressed (or bi-polar) he should be seeing a GP or a therapist. You can insist he does that.

Hunting around social media sites when there may be nothing to find will drive you nuts and make you depressed.

If he's watched a bit of porn, owned up and you've reacted badly,, it could set up an unfortunate cycle whereby he becomes more secretive and you become more suspicious. If some kind of domestic stress caused him to seek out porn in the first place,, he's more likely to do it more if the stress increases.

I can' tell the extent of what he's up to from your OP. The only 'pattern' is your magnifying your evidence.

I'm not criticising you. You've every reason to be concerned but look to fix what you've found rather than assume it's the tip of an iceberg. You may've found all there is to find.

The guy hasn't shut down. Talk calmly to him. If he's worried about his own emotional state then he should want to get help for it,, for himself and for you.

Certainly, you want to avoid the hiding/suspicion/accusation cycle,, cuz that'll spiral out of control and you'll end up in a much worse place.

Talk to him. Get his depression (or whatever it is) properly diagnosed and go from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs psychiatric evaluation and then, based on that, therapy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Okay, here's the thing about trust. It is very fragile and very taken for granted. Your H had yours and now, this one instance and it's gone. Try not to overreact. If you stop and think for a minute what is really different than before you found out? Really nothing except for some knowledge based partly on facts and mostly on your own suppositions.

As has been suggested, see about some good psychoanalysis for him and get the keylogger so you can see the real extent of the problem. If you approach it from a perspective of innocent until proven guilty, then you can do what you need to in a more calm, rational manner. If you haven't been told the entire truth then whatever has been going on is continuing to go on just as it was before you found out. So, step back and take a breath and then proceed to implement your plan. You will either prove his innocence or his guilt and that information may be useful to the mental health professional. Good luck.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Boy…..Trust is earned and it is hard to get it back once you have been burnt. I wish I had some wonderful advice for you….but I don't. I am in your shoes and not sure what to do.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes, your husband has issues; but you don't have definitive proof that he's cheating on you. Maybe he has a porn addiction, maybe he has other mental/emotional problems. He is an alcoholic? Do you have a normal sex life?

Is he willing to go to MC? To go to IC for himself? He should be.

Insist that he be completely transparent.There's nothing wrong with continuing to monitor him. You can get a lot of advice here for that. But it is possible, that his actions stopped short of an EA or PA. If they did, then the trust issue shouldn't be as problematic as getting past an A; and there are a lot of us here who can confirm that.


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