# Is it really only my problem



## cindyar83

It has seemed to be a battle for the past 3 years.... My husband has an addiction to porn.... we had K-9 up and it was fine everything was great and I was the only one with the password and he was okay with it. Then we got a new laptop and he put k9 on in before i ever even saw the computer and would not give me the password, it sent up a red flag but I decided I would try and trust my husband. :scratchhead: Then I asked him night before last if he could honestly tell me that he has abstained from it and he told me no. I do appreciate the honesty but I have told him time and again about how porn makes me feel and he understands but says he has a hard time with it. He told me i could put K-9 back on and he would be okay with it. Problem solved...right? then he proceeds to put me down in anyway possible that he can..... " you put everybody down and you think you are better than anyone. you can dish insults but anyone says a thing to you it offends you. he also said that I dont know how to keep my mouth shut and am mean to everyone. I have been through alot in the past 5 years We have had 2 special needs children, our youngest had open heart surgery at 4 months old (August 07) and my grandmother past a little over a year later (Aug 08) and a few months after that I had to have brain surgery (December 2008). My whole family looked to me to be strong for all of them and support them. I had to be strong for everyone, they all treat me like I am suppose to be some superwoman...... I have been so scared and I have to fall apart on my own when no one is around. Why would he degrate me like this when we are having problems with the porn issue. Then all of a sudden I am keeping him prisoner and he gets to do nothing. SO NOT THE CASE! i have always encouraged him to do things for himself. Is this just a total lack of respect for me? Is our marriage over? I am pregnant with our third child and am at a loss on how to handle this! Please help!


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## Sensitive

I am not a man, so I am also baffled about why a husband can't just choose his wife over porn. I do understand many men turn to porn for extra sex, fantasy sex, or just as a stress relief. I am hoping your husband is doing it to cope, not as a defiance to your pleas to quit.


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## cindyar83

I only say something to him when he has been caught..... So its not like I am just nagging him on a daily basis or am checking his history daily! In fact we both have our own computers, why should I show so much trust just to be treated like crud when i do catch him!?!?!?


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## foolz1

I do not like porn, but I am not a man. If I wanted to look at naked people, I would want it to be a real person. Some women seem to be comfortable with it, others aren't. If it bothers you this much, and he knows that, it is disrespectful to you for him to continue to view it.


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## dobo

Try not to take what he said too personally. He's lashing out because you took his toy away. The longer he is away from this stuff, the easier it will be for him to gain perspective.

But he does owe you a big apology.


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## Blanca

cindyar83 said:


> then he proceeds to put me down in anyway possible that he can..... " you put everybody down and you think you are better than anyone. you can dish insults but anyone says a thing to you it offends you. he also said that I dont know how to keep my mouth shut and am mean to everyone.


you can take this as an insult, or you can learn from it. i dont think it was mean for your H to say that- maybe the way he said it was insensitive- but if you are mean, then you need to work on that. i got pretty mean in my marriage too, and had a slew of justifications for it, but when it comes down to it, there's no justification for it. 

it doesnt make you a bad person, but it probably means you are holding a lot of hurt and its coming out as anger. 



cindyar83 said:


> I had to be strong for everyone, they all treat me like I am suppose to be some superwoman...... I have been so scared and I have to fall apart on my own when no one is around.


people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you. why do you wait to fall apart when no one is around? are you afraid to show your weakness in front of people? you do not have to be strong for everyone- but if you think you do then you'll be a very lonely person. 

as for the porn addiction- i have empathy for you. i have been there. i know its miserable and the worst of you comes out in those situations. especially since you are having to deal with children and medical problems, too. if your H has the K9 web protection (that's what we have) then how can he get on the sites? it blocks them. just leave it on there. my H has it on his and its been on there for a year now. if your H is willing to put it on there, then i dont see how that will not stop him from looking. 

but even if he stops looking, you know you have a long path to healing. you've probably got a lot of resentment built up. you'll have to work on that.


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## laughsalot

My situation was nowhere close to yours but this is what happened to me. My husband does not watch porn on our computer. He does not have any magazines or dvd's. But he does have his phone. He knows I do not like it. I have been guilty in the past of checking his phone without him knowing. Sometimes he would have little video clips or pictures that he has received in messages and I would erase it all. So he would know that I had been in his phone but would not dare say a word about it. I have thought and thought about it. I do not look for it anymore. I have not checked his phone in months. If he does have stuff on his phone I consider it spank bank material. But I do not go looking for it. If I don't look I will not find and then be disappointed. I know he is not going to go out a cheat on me. I don't mind looking at a good looking man myself. I sometimes needs some things to visualize while having sex or I will be thinking about balancing the checkbook. I have thoughts and fantasy so he should be aloud to also. That is just the way I feel about it. As far as the insults he is just lashing out. I have dealt with that too. I have found that I take it more personal when a little bit of it was true. Not saying that it is in your case. You have no doubt been through a lot. But your expectations of yourself are way to high. Give yourself a break. People treat you the way they do only because you let them.


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## bo09

I am a guy with porn issue. Fortunately, my wife doesn't blame me too much or gets upset. But I am the one feel very very bad for myself. It is really hard. The truth is, it is just like all the other addictions, it makes you feel flying away from the real world, into a fantasy world, get some kind of temporary joy. The truth is I am just so disappointed on my life. Too much bad luck.


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