# could this be the end...*sigh* so close to giving up



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

I really dont know if i can do this anymore....Im almost at the end of my hope and i dunno if i have the strength to fight for my marriage anymore 

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and we have 2 beautiful kids (7 yr old girl and 2 yr old boy).

Its only been 4 weeks since he moved back home and we are attempting reconcilliation.

My husband just told me that he doesn't know if he will ever feel the spark between us again and that we might be better of as friends. 

And he also admitted that he still feel a spark with the woman he works with. He said when they talk at work she flirts with him and he likes how she makes him feel. They have a lot of thing in common and he feels a connection with her that he doesn't feel with me.

I feel so hurt and devastated again....

I also asked him why didn't he explore a relationship further with that other woman while we were separated? he said they went out to the movies and they kissed but thats as far as it went because he said it didn't feel right and he feels like he was still married to me eventho we were separated and he didnt wear his wedding ring during the deparation.

He said that he told her last year that he just wants to be just friends, so no more going to lunches together, no more txting and no more playing computer games together. Then after a few months he asked me for a reconcilliation.

I just found out a couple of days ago that eventho he has stopped going to lunch with her, and stop the txting, and stop playing games together she still come up to the floor he is working on to talk to him and flirt with him.

I asked him why did he come home and ask for reconcilliation? and he said the kids and I still means a lot to him and he doesn't want to throw away 17 years of relationship and 2 beautiful kids just for some girl.

But the fact is he just admitted that he still feel that spark with her and the flirting still continue at work and it hurts me soo much.

I told him that as long as that woman is still at his work our relationship will never work.

Now i know why he refused to give me affections and with no intimacy our relationship will never go to the next level and wont go as far as friendship because of that.

I dont know if i can do this anymore....he keeps hurting me over and over again....

I just told him last night that he has 2 options, if he wants to stay and work on our marriage he needs to have the ball to tell the OW to stop all contact and focus on our marriage and give his full commitment. And if he wants to explore that spark with the OW then he needs to get the hell out of my house and let me move on with my life.

He told me he needs to be alone this weekend to think things thru and sort out his life.

I told him I just gave him his freedom and he can do what the hell he likes with it.
When we talked about this last night I couldn't even cry anymore...i just feel numb.

I have let this go to God and strangely enough eventho im hurting i also feel this incredible peace in my heart that whatever may come my way from now on i will be okay. And whatever decision he will make this weekend i know its God's will and if He put me there He will also give me the strength and grace to deal with it.

I still need to face him today before the weekend tomorrow when he is going to do his thinking and make his decision. I need some advice as to what i should do now....

Im thinking of doing the 180 but i dont know if i can do that while still living in the same house? Should i ask him sleep in another room? How should i act when he is around? bear in mind that we have our 2 kids in the house with us and i want to make sure this has as little effect on them as possible. So should i just ignore him? or just be detach and only speak as necessary?

What do you think i should do? any advice would be much appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband will never move beyond the affair until he stops seeing her. He has to get a new job.
Is the other woman single, married or have a boyfriend?

Now that you gave him his freedom, treat him according to the 180 … see the link in my signature block below. And yes you can do the 180 while still in the same house. Ask him to move to another room to sleep until he makes up his mind. Do not do anything for him.. no laundry, no cooking, etc. Act like he’s not even there… except if you pass him just smile. Do not stay in the same room he’s in. 

Only speak when necessary and mostly only about the children. 
If he decides to leave, file for divorce ASAP and have the attorney put a custody/visitation, child support and spousal support plans in place. This will most likely shock him. 

Remember that a divorce can always be stopped right up the time when the judge signs the final decree.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thank you EleGirl.

I will check out the links in your siggy when i get home from work (i can't open it at work apparently its blocked website).

I will also do what you suggested about how to act around him.

The other woman is single with no children so she is also free to do what she likes and obviously no consequences. She knows full well that my husband is in the process of attempting reconcilliation and yet she continue to approach him and flirt with him.

I dont know if he incourages her behaviour or just like the attention and feel flattered but it really doesn't matter anymore....i dont want to know anymore and i dont want to care anymore.

thank you for your advice, i really appreciate it.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

You sound like a very strong lady who has given him his options in a brave, dignified and graceful manner. You also sound like you will be strong whichever way it goes, and will continue to handle the situation with grace, which is the best your kids could ask for.
If he can't get a transfer, and is not encouraging her like he is telling you, maybe you could suggest he tells her that if the inappropriate behaviour continues, he will be obliged to report her to work. That should sort out how serious he is. I wish you the best of luck


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

alone_not_lonely said:


> You sound like a very strong lady who has given him his options in a brave, dignified and graceful manner. You also sound like you will be strong whichever way it goes, and will continue to handle the situation with grace, which is the best your kids could ask for.
> If he can't get a transfer, and is not encouraging her like he is telling you, maybe you could suggest he tells her that if the inappropriate behaviour continues, he will be obliged to report her to work. That should sort out how serious he is. I wish you the best of luck


Thank you alone, i really appreciate your input.

Can i just ask you something....if he can't get another job soon do you think its enough if he asked her to leave him alone and not talk to her at work anymore?

I have read many post here on TAM and many people have said that in this kind of situation he needs to leave his job and cut ties completely clean before we can work on our reconcilliation.

I dont know what his decision going to be, but if he is willing to leave his job im really not sure how long it will take for him to get another one as the job market is very competitive right now and it takes me well over a year to get this job im in right now. 

So during that time (when he start looking for another job until he actually get one) what is he supposed to do? 

I have also read many people say "once a cheater always a cheater" and that if a man cheated on you once he will cheat on you again....is this really true? is that mean once your husband or partner cheated then we are doomed and just forget about reconsilliation because he will probably do it again?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Not "once a cheater always a cheater". No. It depends on the person, if they have learned their consequence and understand the effects of what they did. Some do, some don't. It depends on the individual.

I know you want to save your marriage, but how does it make you feel to let him stay in the house while he decides who he wants more. You, or the other woman. Which life does he want. You continue on with your life the best you can with confidence, if he does want to stay with you, you make him work for it. It's not all up to him.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> Not "once a cheater always a cheater". No. It depends on the person, if they have learned their consequence and understand the effects of what they did. Some do, some don't. It depends on the individual.
> 
> I know you want to save your marriage, but how does it make you feel to let him stay in the house while he decides who he wants more. You, or the other woman. Which life does he want. You continue on with your life the best you can with confidence, if he does want to stay with you, you make him work for it. It's not all up to him.


Thank you Gratitude.

You said "if he does want to stay with you, you make him work for it." Can you elaborate a bit more about what you mean by 'making him work for it'?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Thank you Gratitude.
> 
> You said "if he does want to stay with you, you make him work for it." Can you elaborate a bit more about what you mean by
> 'making him work for it'?


I mean he needs to have consequences, and he needs to follow through. If he comes back make sure there is no contact with the OW. This is not a suggestion. He needs to be transparent. No secrets. All access to passwords etc. You need to build trust.

It's not that he's decided to stay with you so you should be happy and lets move on. You have been hurt. If he's not going to cheat again, he needs consequences and to be held accountable for what he's done.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

He should never have come back into the home until he had made his decision what he wanted. It is not fair to you. You separated from him, which is good. His consequence. But now it's become about if he wants to stay or not. So he doesn't have to work for your love and forgiveness. He's shifted the power as such. So, if he decides to stay, that doesn't mean he's allowed to stop trying.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> I mean he needs to have consequences, and he needs to follow through. If he comes back make sure there is no contact with the OW. This is not a suggestion. He needs to be transparent. No secrets. All access to passwords etc. You need to build trust.
> 
> It's not that he's decided to stay with you so you should be happy and lets move on. You have been hurt. If he's not going to cheat again, he needs consequences and to be held accountable for what he's done.


I understand, and yes there is no way in hell im gonna let him keep hurting me again.

If he decided to stay, do you think he needs to leave his work immediately? the reason why i ask is because he is the main income earner in our family and his salary supports us and pays for the mortgage and he loves his work. He did say he will consider changing job, but looking for a new job could take a while (im saying this out of my own experience of looking for a full time job in the current job market) so would it be enough if he avoid contact with her eventho they are still in the same office? They are in different floor but the same office building.

What im wondering is if he says he will end all contact with her how do i know he is actually doing that as i cannot check what he does at work and nor do i want to spend all my time checking up on him constantly as that would make it very difficult for me to do anything else. I also have a full time job so when im busy at work i can't constantly check-up on him....but at the same time i can't just rely on trusting him straight away and just taking his word for it without any proof that he is going to do what he says. Can you help me shed some light on this and what i should do please?

btw, i just saw your last post....you said "He's shifted the power", so how do i get that power back?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> I understand, and yes there is no way in hell im gonna let him keep hurting me again.
> 
> If he decided to stay, do you think he needs to leave his work immediately? the reason why i ask is because he is the main income earner in our family and his salary supports us and pays for the mortgage and he loves his work. He did say he will consider changing job, but looking for a new job could take a while (im saying this out of my own experience of looking for a full time job in the current job market) so would it be enough if he avoid contact with her eventho they are still in the same office? They are in different floor but the same office building.
> 
> ...


By getting the power back I don't mean by playing games. More like don't become powerless whereas your hurt has been put to the sideline and he doesn't have to work anymore because he's decided to stay. You've decided to let him too. He needs to know that if he stays, there is still work to do to rebuild the trust. To be honest, you sound very strong and you already know these things. Don't get caught up in wanting him to come back so much that you are willing to forget everything. To not become powerless, you need to remind him you are the hurt one here, not him, and if he wants to stay he needs to work on building the trust. It's not going to all disappear because he "chose" you and that should be enough. He still has work to do.

If he can't leave his work, then it's up to him to commit to staying away from the woman and following through. If you can't check up on this, it will be something you will have to trust. Hard, I know. But if he's serious he will do it. Maybe he can begin looking for other work. He may love his work, but he created this for himself so he needs to do what needs to be done in order to make the marriage go forward. It was his choice to stray, now he has to deal with the consequences.

I know you're still hurting. Sometimes the hurt just becomes so much or for so long that you become exhausted. He needs to make a decision, and he needs to be sure. His heart needs to be with you. If he can't, then let him go. You deseve someone to love you completely.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

That's the worst thing about these situations, Down. Naturally the best thing would be for him to get out of there, no contact is the best contact.
There is no way for you to be able to tell unless he sits there and sends the email or writes a letter and posts it to her with you by his side. But then who knows what can transpire at work? 
That is why to leave the job is the best option, although sometimes so financially unrealistic. He has to want to do all this himself though. And if he truly wants his wife and family, he will search his butt off to make sure he finds a new job and then removes himself from the situation of working with her.
Of course, if you truly decide you can trust him to still work with her after a letter is written, go for it. But I can almost guarantee that that won't be the case...
This is where you have to decide what YOU want. Don't leave it all up to him. Instead of wondering if he still wants you, focus on what you want to get the best out of life. ask yourself is a man who 'needs time to decide' between his wife and kids or some office bike what you want in your life?


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

And yes, Gratitude is 100% correct, transparency is not a suggestion. It is an absolute. Sorry not to clarify my position on that. You can only suggest what he can do (if you should need to at all, he is a big boy and capable of making his own decisions). I was, in a roundabout way, getting to the point that you can't make him do anything, he has to want it for himself. For example, i can suggest my stbx go to counselling and point him in that direction, but unless he wants it for himself and wants to do the work, he isn't worth my time and I don't want him back.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thank you so much to both Gratitude & alone, you words of wisdom really means a lot to me.

I have realised and learned that we cannot make another human being do anything they dont want to do, and i have no control over his feelings and action so he needs to do what he wants to do himself.

When i said that i have let it go to God i really truly mean what i say. I have accepted the fact that there might not be anymore reconcilliation and he can walk out of our house today and i will be okay.

Btw, i just want to share something else....i lost my wedding last week and i felt very bad about loosing it, i searched and searched everywhere, i looked in the car, i looked at work in the office, called the bus driver and still its nowhere to be found.

So i prayed and let it go to God, i told Him if he wants me to have it back then he will return my ring to me and i will take it a sign that my marriage will be restored...but if the ring didn't come back to me then maybe its a sign that He has something else planned for me. I totally surrender that to God.

The next day i was playing with my baby boy and i was on my hands and knees playing with him and guess what i found? yup, my wedding ring. I was really happy and i thank God for his goodness for returning my ring back to me.

I really thought that God wants to restore my marriage, but if that is not God's plan then He'll have something else better for me in the future. I will not give up on hope and i know i will find love again, its just a matter of God's timing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since he is the main income earner for the family I don't think it would be wise for him to just quit. You said that he has moved to a different department, on another floor right? So he's does not need to see her. 

Can you visit him at work? If so do this so that it's known that you are around and part of his life. If you can bring your children from time to time, that's good as well. You can bet that others at work know of their affair. And if they see you and your children around they might start putting pressure on the OW and your husband to stop their nonsense.

When you do visit him, bring him a nice big framed picture of you and the children... hopefully with him in the photo as well and put it on his desk. He'll have to leave it there if you drop in often. And then the OW will see the picture.

She may be single but does she have a family? Have you told her family that she is trying to break up your family? Have you told his family about the affair?

If you believe in prayer, pray that the OW finds a job elsewhere so that she can move on with her life in a good way and so that you and your husband can reconcile. (Never pray for something bad to happen to anyone.)


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thanks EleGirl, those are good suggestions and IF he decided to stay I will do what you suggested.

About the other OW, i have never meet her so i dont even know what she looks like...i only know her description from others who have seen her. I dont know her family and i dont even know her phone number. I dont know anyone from my husband's work so i dont have any help or leverage from there. Im just going to leave it in God's hand.

And yes i believe in God and the power of prayers, i have prayed that God will remove the OW from the picture in whichever way God's plan is but i dont specifically asked God how to remove her from the situation....i believe whatever way God choose to guide my steps that will be the best way. Thank you so much for your input


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> And yes i believe in God and the power of prayers, i have prayed that God will remove the OW from the picture in whichever way God's plan is but i dont specifically asked God how to remove her from the situation....i believe whatever way God choose to guide my steps that will be the best way. Thank you so much for your input


Your faith is something to admire, and I hope you will trust in God's plan for you, but expect your husband to do the heavy lifting to remove OW from your life


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

alone_not_lonely said:


> Your faith is something to admire, and I hope you will trust in God's plan for you, but expect your husband to do the heavy lifting to remove OW from your life


Thank you alone 

I believe that man can make plans but God direct his steps. And when God's power is at work there is nothing that can stop it from happening.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Down Under, you are strong and you are doing the right things.
I do not have much wisdom to give you, but wanted to tell you that I am in a similar situation and know exactly how you feel.

I have been married for the same amount of time, 2 kids( 8 and 11) and my OH has been seing a woman he works with socially, at work for coffee and chats. Well this is what he swears he did, but I do not trust him.
After a lot of talking, he has cut all ties with her after I told him what the consequences would be should we divorce, has agreed to give me all passwords and has made an effort with everything else.
Sometimes men need a reality check.
Changing jobs is easily said than done, and what if he meets someone else in his new job? He needs to know deep down what he wants. 

Give him the time to think, if he chooses her, it is his loss, he will come crawling back to you in the future when the flirt moves on, but it it will be too late. If he chooses you and the kids, you must both work hard to see why he did what he did and how to move forward.The hardest bit will be regaining the lost trust.
I wish you all the best, and I am sure you will be fine.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> Changing jobs is easily said than done, and what if he meets someone else in his new job? He needs to know deep down what he wants.


I totally agree and am not discounting this point, totally valid. And definitely easier said than done. Which is why I suggested that he look for another job before quitting  I also didn't realise he had changed floors. Sorry! But with that new info, I'd go with the nc letter with threat of reporting if she doesn't back off. That's if it is something HE wishes to do and you are both comfortable with that. And as EleGirl said, expose!


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

well its over...

i just asked him to pack his stuff and leave my house.

he came home after a few hours away to do some thinking...and he asked me to come out to have coffee with him and talk. Luckily my mother in law visiting so she offered to babysit the kids for us for a bit.

We went to our local coffee shop and he told me that he still couldn't make a decision, i just got so fed up with him being wishy washy about everything and delaying his decision is just making me feel like im in limbo again so i decided its time for me to take my control back. I told him that i dont want a man that can't make up his mind between his wife and kids and some office bimbo. 

He didn't mentioned anything about stopping contact with her or anything like that, and he didn't suggest doing anything different about our reconcilliation....it seems like he is just as confused as ever, and i honestly had enough being dragged around in his fog and im not prepared to keep getting hurt by his indecision so i told him to leave.

I have to let him go....

I think until he realised that what he is doin is what is preventing us to move forward nothing will get better.

I cannot let him continue to hurt me with his indecision anymore and i have decided letting him go is the best for both of us.

Im not looking forward to explain things to my kids about why is daddy leaving again after he just come back home for only 4 weeks. 

My daughter will be devastated and she will be very upset about this....thankfully my son is too young to understand whats going on yet, but he will be affected nonetheless....he will be looking for daddy around the house after getting used to having both of us around for a month.

damn, i underestimated how much this hurt the second time around...


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

i REALLY need some advice please...

my husband doesn't have any place to go right now as he has moved all his belonging back home a few weeks ago when we decided on reconcilliation....

He can't stay at his friend's place because he has only 1 good friend and he is still staying at his parent's place.

My hubby's parents place is about 1 hr away and he hates living with them so i have a feeling that he will probably asked me if he can stay in the house until he found a suitable place to go to as it needed to be a place where he can have the kids with him when its his time with them.

He knows that im not heartless enough to throw him out with no place to go so i really need some advice as to what i should do in the mean time while he is looking for a new place? how should i act around him? should i just ignore him and act like he is not there and only speak as necessary? or be friendly but not sleep in the same room? 

im worried about the kids....they will undoubtedly pick up on the vibes and there will be tension in the house that will make it feel awful for everyone.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

DownUnder said:


> i REALLY need some advice please...
> 
> my husband doesn't have any place to go right now as he has moved all his belonging back home a few weeks ago when we decided on reconcilliation....
> 
> ...


I'm sorry - he has somewhere to go - his parents. It's uncomfortable? I'm sorry - that's a consequence. My opinion only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I'm sorry it has come to this. Good on for you putting your foot down on the indecision and showing respect for yourself. Doesn't help with the pain though does it. He needs to get out on his own to make this decision. And by that stage, you may have already moved on emotionally so that is the risk he takes. I know this isn't really what you wanted. Who does. But I have to tell you, what you have done is very brave, and very strong. It's easier to rug sweep than stand up for yourself and risk the pain.

He does need to leave, and if his parents is the only place he can go too, then he needs to go. It is not your problem. He can't decide if he wants his wife anymore, then he needs to go and live outside of your home. If you can't get him to go or there is a delay, you are right, the kids will pick up on vibes. They always do. Children are very perceptive. But as long as you both act civilised and smile, they will get distracted and are unlikely to bring anything up. It will be a good opportunity to sit the kids down (if they understand) and explain together where daddy's going. Remain upbeat and positive. They will feed off your reactions.

This is not going to be an easy time. It never is. You have been very strong, and I know you will continue to be. Stay in contact to vent or talk anything out. Whatever the outcome in this situation, you have maintained your dignity and respect.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

OMG it hurts...it HURTS like hell....hurts so damn much...

my husband just told me he will be moving in with the other woman next week.

the full blown impact of the whole thing hits me when he said when he will take the kids on his days when he is supposed to have the kids and if he will be living with her in her house that means im completely out of the picture.

what should i do now???
im soo lost and i feel do broken....

he also told me that he doesnt think we can ever be compatible and he can only be friends with me....it hurts so damn much....

I have leave this in God's hand but it doesn't make it any less painful....i didnt think i have anymore tears to cry but here they come full force now...


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> OMG it hurts...it HURTS like hell....hurts so damn much...
> 
> my husband just told me he will be moving in with the other woman next week.
> 
> ...


He's moving in with the other woman?? Down Under, I'm so sorry. This is going to be a journey I know, maybe post in the 'Going through Divorce or Separation' section, the people in there should be able to guide you through what's happening.

Is he serious? You are expected to stay in the same area whilst he moves in with the (I don't have a name for her that I'm allowed to post here) and they have the children at her house?

Get a lawyer. Now. Go to the child support agency (I'm not sure what it's called over there). Keep moving. Fire with all guns. If nothing else it will hopefully take your mind off things. It's what you need to do anyway.

I'm really, really sorry  Your husband doesn't deserve you. It's all very raw now, just focus on each day. Not the future. Just today, one foot in front of the other. Surround yourself with as much support as you can. Do you have close friends or family around you?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Downunder.
Just relax and breathe! You asked me what I did? Just that! 
I let him go. I told him to go and be happy and be with the OW if that's what he really wanted. 
I told him that I was here if he ever wanted to talk but to not just expect to walk back into my life.

I started slowly moving on. I put my big girls panties on, stood tall, forgave him and sent him out into the world to make his own mistakes.
Did it hurt? You bet! I felt like my life as I knew it was over, but everyday I got stronger, every breakdown became shorter . I realised what was important in life again. I rediscovered myself and I rediscovered a new relationship with my children. And that was so important.

Please as hard as it is just let him go. He had to do this for himself. You can not make him finish it . He has to see for himself that it's not what he wants. 
Your story is so similar to mine. My H couldn't let go of me either but he still insisted he lived her! It took just 3 weeks and be wanted to come home. He said after going to her place just twice he knew he had made a huge mistake and was looking for excuses not to see here.

Be strong Downunder. You need to put boundaries in place now. It will hurt and you will question what you are doing, but honey it's the only way. He had to fear loosing you.

I have prayed for the last year that my H would love me again. Last Sunday I changed my prayers and asked god to work in my Hs heart and to help him to be strong to make the right decision for him and his family. On Monday he asked to come home!
Be strong honey.
Thinking of you
Xxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Down,
I am so sorry to hear this. You have been so strong so far, I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

As Daisy said, I'm sure the reality of living with this woman will kick in for him soon. I somehow don't think he will have the fairytale he hoped for... But remember to take care of yourself and the children. 

Now it is all about you guys.
I think it was somewhere in this forum that I read these words: 'don't waste your life on someone who treats you like an option and is not willing to make you their priority.' You gave him time, you gave him options, you tried. It's going to be hard, but I promise you will get through this.

You are a strong, smart, brave, kbeautiful lioness of a woman. Roar baby! Surround yourself with those who love you, see a counsellor, work on yourself, live for the family you have and don't sit around waiting for him. You are worth so much more, and once you start living that plan on the path set before you, you will start to feel it.

And if he eventually does want to come back into the fantastic life you are living? IF you feel you even want him back, it's on your terms.

Keep us posted to vent if you need to, there is so much support on this forum and we will all want to hear how you are doing. *hugs*


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

alone, thank you so much for your kind words and support....you have no idea how much it means to me...

im still a bit up and down....i woke up alone in my bed this morning and reality hits me right after i opened my eyes and my heart felt like it was being squizzed hard and it hurts like hell again.

I made myself get out of bed and go to work.....i put a smile on my face and i put the armour of God around me.

Please send some prayers my way....


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