# Question for the ladies- W and her weight gain



## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi All,

I have a question primarily for the woman on these forums especially those that have gone through some issues with their weight. 

My W and I have been together getting on close to 20 years. we have 3 wonderful children together as well. 

My W has gained alot of weight after the children were born and has a thyroid condition which does not allow for her metabolism to be as fast as it once was. She has tried diet after diet and none have actually worked out to get the results that she has wanted. 

I still believe that my wife is very beautiful and sexy however she does not feel that way about herself and has fallen into a dark depression about her weight. It has affected our marriage and our intimacy. She covers herself up whenever I see her naked and she feels like a mutant. 

What advise can you give me as a H to help her cope? I know that I should have her exercise with me and I still go to the gym and ask her to go with me daily, however, there is always an excuse as to why she cannot go with me. What can I say to make her feel more intimate and sexy? Is there anything that I can do to help her out with this? We have tried medication for her depression in the past, however, it has actually lead to greater weight gain instead of loss.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated-


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Spartan,

Is she taking any medication for her thyroid? I can relate to how frustrating it can be as I also have thyroid issues & was training for a half-marathon last year, watching my diet & did not lose any weight but was making a huge effort just to maintain my weight. 

When the doctor saw my thyroid levels, she prescribed Synthroid & I felt as if I got my energy back, weight started coming off as it naturally would. It did make me feel anxious when I first started taking it & they have had to make adjustments after blood test followups but I am in the 'normal' range now & have not experienced any negative side effects.

It is hard to get motivated to diet/workout when you don't see results, but if she can get her thyroid levels in check that may do the trick.

Good luck!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

"Diet after diet" is not a good way to go, as we all know. Lifestyle change is the only way. 

Instead of asking her to go to the gym with you, how about saying I want to go for a walk, I want to spend time with you. Let's go for a walk. Walk out the door. Also get some videos to do at home. Plug them in and do them. Many women don't like to be seen working out. 

Also could you take some of the food prep/plan and grocery shopping chore? Plan healthy meals heavy on fruits and veggies.... 

If she can start to see progress, perhaps she will feel motivated to continue.

Exercise can help with depression. Also go to your local health and supplement store and get a St John's Wart tincture. I know many people for whom that helps a ton.

Good luck!


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

swedish said:


> Hi Spartan,
> 
> Is she taking any medication for her thyroid? I can relate to how frustrating it can be as I also have thyroid issues & was training for a half-marathon last year, watching my diet & did not lose any weight but was making a huge effort just to maintain my weight.
> 
> ...


Yes, she is on synthroid as well- That;s the biggest complaint that she voices to me is that she does diet and exercises and sees no results! 

Frustration leads into depression which in turn leads to questioning her feelings..... the whole downward spiral. Plus I can see her getting jealous of me as I am back in great shape again with the body of a 20 year old again- (this doesn't help matters as we are both in our early 40s.) I feel great though and i am just filled with testosterone from getting in shape and needing a sexual partner to just RAWR with! lol. 

I am here for her and willing to go through the roller coaster ride with her if need be. Just curious from a woman's point of view if there is anything that your H could do to bring you to that point of excitedeness


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am not a woman, but I occasionally dress as one ... for another topic.

I think about this a lot. Simply because it is so prevalent.

When it comes down to it ... you can't make her get on the rollercoaster, whether you are willing to take the ride or not. You being willing is immaterial.

If anything, the general outcome of a husband trying to 'help' is to actually make things worse. By virtue of your trying to help, you are acknowledging that you think she is fat, incapable, and unattractive. This is her thinking, I'm not suggesting that it's yours. But ... there again, if it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't mention it? See ... it's a death trap.

The only 'success' story that I know of where a husband helped, he got his wife a trainer. This was a great option ... because the trainer may say the exact same things you do, but it is received in an entirely different context. But, it's also expensive. In some cases a professional is warranted. Someone that is familiar with the kind of issues she is facing, and despite those issues can show her how to make her metabolism work in her favor.

Otherwise, she simply has to want it more than you do.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

spartan said:


> Yes, she is on synthroid as well- That;s the biggest complaint that she voices to me is that she does diet and exercises and sees no results!
> 
> Frustration leads into depression which in turn leads to questioning her feelings..... the whole downward spiral. Plus I can see her getting jealous of me as I am back in great shape again with the body of a 20 year old again- (this doesn't help matters as we are both in our early 40s.) I feel great though and i am just filled with testosterone from getting in shape and needing a sexual partner to just RAWR with! lol.
> 
> I am here for her and willing to go through the roller coaster ride with her if need be. Just curious from a woman's point of view if there is anything that your H could do to bring you to that point of excitedeness


Just a couple of things--she could check and see about her thyroid levels, "normal" is a pretty broad range and a lot of family doctors just get the meds to hit somewhere in there and call it good. There's quite a bit of room to fine tune in there sometimes. And if she's actually symptomatic--lethargy, hair thinning/loss, dry skin and nails, etc. she may want to get a referral to an endocrinologist for a more in depth panel.

There are also a whole range of anti-depressants out there, some are more weight neutral than others, but fundamentally it still boils down to calories in vs. calories out. If she's dealing with depression AND hypothyroid, I'd be really leery of a family doctor just throwing pills at both conditions, the symptoms can really overlap quite a bit. I'd try hard to work with a specialist for at least one of the diagnoses, especially given the strong concerns about weight gain.

However, if it helps, I've lost 80+ pounds while on both synthroid and mood stabilizers. And frankly, everyone hates me when I tell them how I did it because the answer just sucks. Sorry, it's nothing trendy or exciting. I counted every single calorie I ate. Weighed and measured every meal and snack. I calculated my caloric needs, how much protein/fat/carbs I needed in a day and then made sure I hit my calories and did my best to hit the breakouts. Then I lifted weights and did cardio probably 3 times a week on average. The benefit was that since my diet wasn't based on eliminating white food or carbs or fruit or whatever, I could pretty much work in whatever I wanted. If I was seriously dying for a piece of pizza for a couple of days, I just looked up its info and worked it into my calories. But it was really all counting calories, lifting heavy stuff and sweating on the treadmill ...no guru books or pink fruffy exercises. But I lost the weight and have kept it off for probably two years now.

And P.S.--we ALL hate the fact that most men lose weight so much more easily than we do!  It's not fair!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I applaud your love of your wife and that you continue to see her as attractive even when she does not. In my opinion, this is the base of an exceptional, amazing man.

I think talking to her about how you notice that she doesn't feel confident bothers you. You are being honest when you tell her that you find her beautiful and long to be with her so say this.

I am also on synthroid. I had to work my bum off for 3 years to lose 50 pounds and then lost the last 10 pounds that were supposed to be difficult to lose on synthroid while eating slightly more and working out less. Make sure she gets the thyroid thing worked out. It effects many aspects of her body.

A trainer is also not a bad idea. I don't know about your location but WOW (Workout World) in NJ offers free bi-monthly trainer sessions and an initial evaluation that works on your goals/BMI/Diet/Etc. as part of their $15 a month fee. I have a feeling that once she gets involved and her thyroid is under control and she sees results, the lifestyle change (especially since you're already living a healthy lifestyle) will greatly enhance both of your lives and your intimacy.

Best of luck, reading a post like yours from a man, it just warms my heart.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Heartfelt congratulations on your hard work and success.



COGypsy said:


> However, if it helps, I've lost 80+ pounds while on both synthroid and mood stabilizers. And frankly, everyone hates me when I tell them how I did it because the answer just sucks. Sorry, it's nothing trendy or exciting. I counted every single calorie I ate. Weighed and measured every meal and snack. I calculated my caloric needs, how much protein/fat/carbs I needed in a day and then made sure I hit my calories and did my best to hit the breakouts. Then I lifted weights and did cardio probably 3 times a week on average. The benefit was that since my diet wasn't based on eliminating white food or carbs or fruit or whatever, I could pretty much work in whatever I wanted. If I was seriously dying for a piece of pizza for a couple of days, I just looked up its info and worked it into my calories. But it was really all counting calories, lifting heavy stuff and sweating on the treadmill ...no guru books or pink fruffy exercises. But I lost the weight and have kept it off for probably two years now.
> 
> And P.S.--we ALL hate the fact that most men lose weight so much more easily than we do!  It's not fair!


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I applaud your love of your wife and that you continue to see her as attractive even when she does not. In my opinion, this is the base of an exceptional, amazing man.
> 
> I think talking to her about how you notice that she doesn't feel confident bothers you. You are being honest when you tell her that you find her beautiful and long to be with her so say this.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that- at times I feel as though i just have to caveman her and drag her to happiness if need be. :scratchhead:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Heartfelt congratulations on your hard work and success.


Thank you 

What I probably don't mention enough though, is that it eventually just got to be a habit, which is probably why it worked and why the weight stays off. It really got to be a way where I could have a Dove chocolate every night and work dinners out or holidays or what have you into my life without disaster. It's a lot of work early on, but then it settled into a pretty easy routine.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

This might sound lame but instead of asking her to go to the gym, ask her to take a walk with you. Let her know that you love talking to her and having 30 minutes to just reconnect is what YOU really need. A 30 minute walk 3 times a week will shed pounds and it will be seen by her as a bonding experience rather than a workout. Hubby is 6'3" and I am nearly 5'10 so when we gained weight, it wasn't obvious to others per se but we didn't like it. We took daily walks for 30 minutes and I lost 30 lbs. He lost 20. Being tall helps and neither of us looked heavy but it was keeping us down. We then joined a gym and went 4 times a week. When we started this my BMI was 26%. "Overweight" according to all indexes but given my height, didn't show. What it really meant was fat was overtaking muscle. His was 25% and despite being tall and thin, same thing. Now? BMI for me is 21% and his is 19 and we are both 40 (me, almost). It all started with walking!!!


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Don't ask her to go to the gym with you anymore. It might be making her feel worse. I've put on a few pounds, but I'm not even really overweight, but when my husband asks me to go to the gym with him, it makes me feel like he expects me and is pressuring me to. 

I think positive reinforement is always good. Tell her how beautiful she is to you.


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

Confused-Wife said:


> Don't ask her to go to the gym with you anymore. It might be making her feel worse. I've put on a few pounds, but I'm not even really overweight, but when my husband asks me to go to the gym with him, it makes me feel like he expects me and is pressuring me to.
> 
> I think positive reinforement is always good. Tell her how beautiful she is to you.


I understand, and I do that as well. But then again, saying it too often loses its credibility right?


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

spartan said:


> I understand, and I do that as well. But then again, saying it too often loses its credibility right?


Yes, and I guess since I never hear my H say it, that I don't know that end of it. Make sure you say it and mean it, and aren't just saying it to say it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> If anything, the general outcome of a husband trying to 'help' is to actually make things worse. By virtue of your trying to help, you are acknowledging that you think she is fat, incapable, and unattractive. This is her thinking, I'm not suggesting that it's yours. But ... there again, if it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't mention it? See ... it's a death trap.


This! (from a woman this time LOL).

Having said that ... if she wants you to be involved: Hire her a trainer. Cook the meals for a while so that she doesn't have to do all the work of obsessing about the calories, fat, carbs, etc. That's the part that makes me crazier about dieting (all the careful planning involved). In fact, if you don't want to (or can't) cook regularly, ask her if she'd like to go on those meal delivery plans (Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, etc). It's money, but it's an investment!

Outside of that, honestly, you should say this: "I love you, I'm attracted to you, I think you are sexy. I know that's not how you are seeing yourself, but you have to trust me that's how I see you. I want to hang from chandeliers with you and don't want one problem to create another problem. I'm here to support you in getting to the 'you' that you are happy with, but in the meantime, don't deny me the wife that I'm happy with ... and that is YOU exactly as you are this moment." I think any woman would love to hear that. 

By the way, thyroid issues not only cause weight problems, but also mood problems. So while she may be bummed she's gained weight, she may be down just because of the thyroid. A friends of mine went through hell with her thyroid .. weight gain, depression, complete lack of motivation, etc. When she was finally on the right track, her mood lifted and her weight flew off (with some work, but not as much as one would think). So definitely keep at it with the doctors to get her thyroid condition under true and optimal control ... without that, it may be almost impossible for her to get both her mood and her weight (and maybe her libido?) to a better place.


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## koa (Mar 20, 2011)

Okay, probably not going to be a popular post...I have the same situation, except no thyroid problems. No medical problems at all. I have tried everything, but she has gained 70 pounds since our last child. She is 5'4" and 196. It is getting to the point that I am not sexually attracted to her the way I was, or the way I want to be. I do my best to stay in shape for her, because in the past she would say negative things about overweight men who let themselves go. It makes me feel like she does care abot me when she has let her self go. HELP...what can I do. Dont tell me to take her to the gym, been there done that. She has no desire to exercise or eat right.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Brennan said:


> This might sound lame but instead of asking her to go to the gym, ask her to take a walk with you. Let her know that you love talking to her and having 30 minutes to just reconnect is what YOU really need. A 30 minute walk 3 times a week will shed pounds and it will be seen by her as a bonding experience rather than a workout. Hubby is 6'3" and I am nearly 5'10 so when we gained weight, it wasn't obvious to others per se but we didn't like it. We took daily walks for 30 minutes and I lost 30 lbs. He lost 20. Being tall helps and neither of us looked heavy but it was keeping us down. We then joined a gym and went 4 times a week. When we started this my BMI was 26%. "Overweight" according to all indexes but given my height, didn't show. What it really meant was fat was overtaking muscle. His was 25% and despite being tall and thin, same thing. Now? BMI for me is 21% and his is 19 and we are both 40 (me, almost). It all started with walking!!!


Some women, including my wife, just don't respond to suggestions for any type of exercise, I've invited my wife to go to the gym to workout, walk the dogs with me, play golf, take up archery, etc. She has shown no interest and makes lots of excuses why it's "not for her".


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Not only that, it's hard to feel for someone who says on one hand they can't be intimate because they feel fat, but then they won't work out with you when you give them oppertunity to do so. At that point it's just a crutch to use to give yourself an out. If she was putting in the effort even if she wasn't losing wieght initially she would FEEL a whole lot better. 

When I am swinging a hammer and hit my thumb which is unpleasant to me, I don't just keep swinging the hammer while complaining how unpleasent I find it.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Confused-Wife said:


> Don't ask her to go to the gym with you anymore. It might be making her feel worse. I've put on a few pounds, but I'm not even really overweight, but when my husband asks me to go to the gym with him, it makes me feel like he expects me and is pressuring me to.
> 
> I think positive reinforement is always good. Tell her how beautiful she is to you.


Positive reinforcement helps. I lost ten pounds simply by eating better and walking a lot more. I want to lose 20 extra pounds. Whenever I talk about this, Mr.G compliments my curves. 
He also buys healthy food. 
I'm learning that even though I think that I am big, I am the only person that believes so. It's time for women to be less critical of themselves.
Change your wife's diet and take her on evening walks every day. She'll drop some weight. Keep telling your wife that she's beautiful; buy lingerie and tell her that you want her to try it on immediately. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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