# I think I'm getting the hang of this wife thing



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

If you read my post about the Dirty Dish Debacle of 2011, then you already know I have a hard time being submissive. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of being nice to someone when they are being irresponsible. There are times when I feel justified in being rude. I know there is never an excuse, but there are times when I give in to my shrew-like nature.

At any rate, I am consciously working on turning this around for the benefit of my marriage and I can proudly say that I passed one test with flying colors.

My husband takes out the trash. I don't bother doing it because I know he'll do it. One morning the trash had piled up. There were two trash bags that were waiting to be taken outside and they were beginning to smell. My husband said he was going out with his friend and I asked if he would please take out the trash before he went. He said he would. 

Well, I decided that since he was going out I'd take the kids out for ice cream. When we returned, the trash was still there and the smell hit us like a ton of bricks when we entered. I decided that I would take it out because I couldn't stand the smell. I tried to pick it up, but it was too heavy. Mind you, I'm no petite woman but we have twin babies and their diapers can get heavy. So I put the trash on my stroller frame (the kind with no seats) and wheeled it to the curb. 

When my husband returned, he didn't say anything about the trash being gone. I didn't say anything either. The next day, however, he came into the kitchen and asked where the bags where. I said, "What bags?" He said, "The trash." "Oh" I said, "I took it out." 

The look on his face was priceless. He said, "You? You took the trash out? Both bags? By yourself?" I nodded my head yes like it was no big deal (and it really isn't, but I NEVER take the trash out and we've been married almost 7 years.) He didn't say anything else, he just walked away.

Now, this is where it pays off. We were talking about a friend and his wife who are going through some problems and my husband says to me, "I don't want to ever be like them. He doesn't take care of his wife the way he should. I am sorry I haven't always done that either. I should have taken out the trash." I burst out laughing. "What does the trash have to do with this?" I asked.

He said, "It's dirty and I don't want my wife touching it let alone dragging it down to the curb." *I didn't tell him that I put it on the stroller frame and I'm not gonna!* "I'm sorry" he said, "I won't forget to take the trash out again."

It is very satisfying to know that my "not sweating the small stuff" attitude is working. I've been working very hard on picking my battles and asking myself, "Will the world end if ____ doesn't get done?" I have received the feedback I needed from my husband to continue not being a controlling biatch.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Isn't it amazing that just a little tweak in our attitudes can have such a profound affect?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

AWESOME! Good for you!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Isn't it amazing that just a little tweak in our attitudes can have such a profound affect?


:iagree:
Attitude is everything.

My DH can sometimes be similar to this (one of his responsibilities is also to take out the trash.) I have found that it usually works for me if I frame my request with a timeframe, like "Honey, can you please take the trash out before you leave for work because it's really stinky and really heavy! Thanks!" And, then if I end up doing one of "his" chores because he was slacking off when I asked giving a timeframe, he seems to feel a little guilty about it and more than makes up for it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Good for you. I try and do the same sort of thing. No point getting upset about every little thing. Sometimes I find my self upset about something trivial and then I give my self a good kick lol.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Isn't it amazing that just a little tweak in our attitudes can have such a profound affect?


It really does. Being caring and kind gets me so much farther than being irritable and combative. Go figure.

The other night we were playing Scrabble and he got in this really funky mood. There was no provocation, he just had a bad attitude.

Instead of getting bent out of shape about it, I just calmly asked him what was wrong and then listened while he complained about something petty. I reminded him (with my hand gently resting on his) that he once told me not to let one little thing ruin an entire evening and he was right. I told him I hope he wouldn't let something trivial ruin what could be a really great time.

He agreed and got himself together. In the past his bad attitude would have brought me down and we would have fought or ended the night on a bad note.

I'm learning.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> It really does. Being caring and kind gets me so much farther than being irritable and combative. Go figure.


Right there with you. I'm learning too. Been at this for 2 solid months (a record for me as I've never been able to maintain that caring thing for long). Irritable and combative is so much easier. LOL!! And I feel better for being so. But then now looking back I realized I accomplished nothing but that brief moment of self satisfaction by being mean. Totally not worth it.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Right there with you. I'm learning too. Been at this for 2 solid months (a record for me as I've never been able to maintain that caring thing for long). Irritable and combative is so much easier. LOL!! And I feel better for being so. But then now looking back I realized I accomplished nothing but that brief moment of self satisfaction by being mean. Totally not worth it.


Keep going! What I'm learning more than anything is patience. I like immediate feedback and I don't get that from my husband. Like with the trash, it took a day before he noticed I had done it and then another half a week before he commented on it. That is the part that frustrates me.

I have to keep encouraging myself along the way that I'm doing the right thing.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I can't encourage myself all that well thats why I've been practically living on this board! At some point it will become a new habit and I won't need it but for now I do.

Patience...oh gee I know all about wanting instant feedback, instant gratification, instant something.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

You know what helps me? It's kind of silly, but instead of thinking "Stay Strong" I have replaced that mantra with "Stay Sweet". When hubby is getting on my nerves and I just want to lash out at him, I just keep telling myself to "Stay Sweet". 

I know it's silly, but it's been working for me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm always telling my kids to be nice so I've kinda been saying the same thing to myself too. Do you find it's tiring to "stay sweet" or am I just old?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm always telling my kids to be nice so I've kinda been saying the same thing to myself too. Do you find it's tiring to "stay sweet" or am I just old?


No, it is exhausting! It's natural to mirror your spouses behavior. They say something mean, you say something mean right back. It's hard to break the cycle. 

It gets easier if I just breathe before I speak. I often catch myself mid sentence because things go flying out of my mouth before I've really thought about the effect they will have.

I'm starting to sound a like a broken record to myself. I've replaced what I'd usually say with "You're right" and "Whatever you think is best".


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm so glad you said it's exhausting to you as well. I normally have good energy but since I started this I find that I'm quite worn out by the end of the day. My husband is passive aggressive so I also have to be aware of body language, his moods, fitness tests, and none of it doesn't comes automatic. He's the TOO nice guy so he isn't mean but his passivity makes me want to be mean if you kwim.

Wonder how long before this becomes natural? My house is a mess and I need my energy back. LOL!!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It's hard for me too and seemed impossible at first because changing anything takes time to get accustomed to (and I still slip up)...but my husband is so much happier and responsive. It's almost as if he's saying through his actions and words (without saying it at all of course) that I've given him permission to finally adore me. He never gave up on me and for that I'm thankful.

It's only been a few months for me too, mag, and the difference is entirely palpable. He actually texts me that he misses me now from work, comes home on time (he was chronically late) and shares his opinions and tastes with me which makes it so we both feel we have a say in what goes on and are more comfortable and satisfied with our choices.

I love this! It has made me like myself more too. It's easy to be a nag and feel like crap is piled high on your shoulders so you're justified to nag & act out but I ended up hating my words and behaviors anyway. I may have felt in the right and justified but I was leaving his feelings out of the scenario entirely.

This man, on one hand who I admired and looked up to, was being clearly made to feel as if I couldn't stand him and he couldn't do anything right. It's hard for either to be happy when a cycle like this is common place.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Isn't it amazing that just a little tweak in our attitudes can have such a profound affect?


Magnolia,

There's nothing "little" about it.

It's viewing a situation an entirely different way.

The power of that is transformative in nature.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Magnolia,
> 
> There's nothing "little" about it.
> 
> ...


You know you are right. This isn't little what I'm doing it's HUGE as it's a complete 180 from my old behavior. I've tried before and failed because my heart wasn't in it but now it is. 

Viewing the situation in an entirely different way is key. I've argued with people on this board trying to get them to see that but alas you have to figure it out for yourself I guess.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Trenton ah his feelings I totally screwed up on that here. I never once used to consider how my actions affected his feelings. Just last night in a casual converation he mentioned how he has a thick skin when it comes to work (he's a cop). Said people can cuss him out and he doesn't care. But said on other things he has a thin skin like when I used to hang up on him when mad. I think I truly used to devastate him but he fooled me because on the outside he seems so tough like he could take what I dished out. And I couldn't have been more wrong.


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## Lovinmyhubby (Sep 10, 2010)

:smthumbup: this is a good way to look at it..but im gonna need help doing this..sucks the wife has to be the one to change her mind on it instead of working together lol.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Way to go Ladies :smthumbup: 

I really like what I am reading. This site seems to be about problems most of the time. I am loving this positive, solution oriented thread.  You all are right on with what you are doing for yourselves and for your marriage. It took me way too long to figure this out for myself and even longer to implement it. I still have to work hard at it and sadly still mess up sometimes! 

Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and hopefully long enough to enjoy a happy marriage!


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