# Hello



## Danyy

⁵Hello everybody, I am new in this interesting forum. Let me thank you to accept me as member of this group.

I am so sad and cracked....I should marry my boyfriend in really few time but sometimes I feel to escape from him.

I know him since two years, but i started a relationship with him since few months, before I had another relationship that I broke up.

My boyfriend knows me very well, we had always been used to talk too much about everything and he was the one that was suggesting me whenever I was encountering any issues. He told me that he always loved me but he never spoke cause of the other guy that was with me.

My previous boyfriend had been with me for almost two years, I loved him a lot and I never wanted to break up, but he was taking me for granted and he never spoke to his Family about me, he was taking advantage. 

The other guy, my actual boyfriend and was like the perfect man, he already also introduced me to his Family, but, seriously, now I started to be confused, he puts all the economical effort on me and he is very lazy.

I bought the house, furniture all by my money and him just take benefit. Whenever we go supermarket I am the one that must pay. He is not concerning about how much energy we spent he just open air condition without thinking, cause he is not the one who pay. 

This make me disappointed and plus now my ex is writing very sweetly, I saw him and I feel like dying, I think to him a lot.

What do you think? What I should do?


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## Betrayedone

Leave him.......welcome to the forum......


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## Mr.Married

Leave both of them in your past.


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## Emerging Buddhist

I think we teach people how to treat us... 

This is your house and nothing will change until you put into place the boundaries of respect.... I think once that happens your boyfriend problem will resolve itself and that which hurts you will leave.

Please don't love yourself less...


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## Danyy

Thank you for your kind replies. I am so sad and lost, sometimes I would like to run to my ex but I think he is so soft now just to get back what he lost. With my new boyfriend I start to be disappointed but I don't want to be again heart broken...what I should do??


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## Danyy

Help please, I will get mad


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## arbitrator

*Go back to your ex, and it will definitely be "second verse, same as the first!"

Mature and stay away from him and let yourself meet new people! You are being severely mistreated by this ex!

You don't need that! *


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## turnera

So, your choices are either a man who is USING you for your money, your home, your work as his made/sex partner/mother - or else a man who's willing to steal another man's girlfriend?

You have a third choice. Leave them both behind and get on with your life on your own. You don't need a man to be happy. In fact, you need to learn to be happy by yourself BEFORE you select a partner.


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## Danyy

Hello everybody, so what you mean to say it is that my ex just used me for money and for physical needs and that my actual boyfriend is just a ................(I cannot write the word, cause it will be not good), that caught a girl already with one of his friend.

My ex yesterday called me and I felt so bad, I listen his voice and I remembered all the moments we spent together and when he asked me if I love the other guy I just keep shut up, cause it was coming to say I love you to him, especially when he was saying that he loves me.

He said he is spoiling his life cause of me, but me I always did my best for him I never miss anything for him, but him he misses many things for me. 

The new guy he keeps on saying he loves me since he met me, but he never spoke cause I was with the other man,, now he plans to 
marry me, but seriously i am terribly confused, my life is like stucked.

Maybe you are right that both they don't deserve me, but unfortunately me I always put everyone above me and I forget myself, that's why I need your help to solve this issue and start to be happy.


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## Danyy

I feel so much this psychological pressure and as I am so soft I suffer a lot. Like it makes me suffer that my actual boyfriend puts on me all the economical effort, I bought house, furniture without any of his help and if we go to the supermarket who needs to pay it is me only. He didn't even gave me an engagement ring, and for the marriage all the expenses are on my shoulders. In house he doesn't pay attention to save energy anyway bill will be not on him and when he is not there just to save energy I don't use the ac and I sweat like I don't know.....I am so.so sad


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## turnera

NO man should expect a woman to support him financially, unless he is medically handicapped. And no woman should be willing to do it.

Danyy, this isn't a problem with the men. It's a problem with you. You have no self esteem. You don't love yourself. You think you don't deserve a decent man, so you keep letting horrible men take advantage of you.

Like I said, what you really need to do is break up with your boyfriend, have him move out or you move out, and tell your ex that you will no longer be in contact with him.

Then spend the next year alone. Give yourself ONE YEAR before you go out with any man. Spend that year getting to know yourself, know what you're capable of. Find a psychologist and start seeing her twice a month. Take some classes. Join a club in some activity you like to do, and get great at it. Make some new female friends in those classes or clubs and start hanging out with them. Read some books on psychology and self esteem. I would start with Healing The Shame That Binds You and also The Dance Of Anger. After you read those, read His Needs Her Needs, which will teach you what a healthy relationship looks like, and what you should be demanding in a relationship - what you should LEAVE a man for, if he won't meet your needs.

Do these things and I guarantee that by the time you start dating again, you'll be a strong, confident woman who will stop attracting loser men.


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## StillSearching

Perhaps you are overvaluing what you don’t have and undervaluing what you do.
Or Perhaps your past is meant to be just that, a lesson learned. 
Leave new guy before it gets any deeper.


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## Danyy

Thank You all for the kind answers you gave me, I truly appreciate all of them and I recognize that I don't have enough love for myself.
About the suggestion not to go deeper with the new guy, I guess it is a little but late, he already introduced me to his Family and now he is telling to everyone that he will marry me, some time I got angry for this.
One more suggestions please, so both of them are not good for me??


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## StillSearching

Danyy said:


> Thank You all for the kind answers you gave me, I truly appreciate all of them and I recognize that I don't have enough love for myself.
> About the suggestion not to go deeper with the new guy, I guess it is a little but late, he already introduced me to his Family and now he is telling to everyone that he will marry me, some time I got angry for this.
> One more suggestions please, so both of them are not good for me??


How old are you?
How old are they?
It's only to late if you marry him. 
That's up to you. But You should not, the way you feel at this moment, there will be major issues in the future.


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## turnera

Danyy said:


> Thank You all for the kind answers you gave me, I truly appreciate all of them and I recognize that I don't have enough love for myself.
> About the suggestion not to go deeper with the new guy, I guess it is a little but late, he already introduced me to his Family and now he is telling to everyone that he will marry me, some time I got angry for this.
> One more suggestions please, so both of them are not good for me??


No, it is NOT too late. It's not even too late to leave man after you're married, for heaven's sake. Just tell him to move out. Text his parents and inform them that you have changed your mind and you won't be marrying their son. You're not a prisoner, Danyy. You're a whole, complete human being with her own needs and her own rights. And for Pete's sake, YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING - you're completely capable of being on your own without that man who uses your own stuff and money.

And yes, BOTH OF THEM are not good for you?

I'm curious to know why you think either of them is worth having as a partner? What are YOU getting out of these men?


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## Danyy

Good question, why I think they are good enough for me...cause when I love I do until the smallest piece of my bones, I love in a blind way, I give everything and I love very deeply, so I always think they are right and me I am wrong 
I am 33 years old and my ex is 28 and my actual boyfriend is 23, I know we have 10 years difference, but this it is not the matter, one of my friend is 34 and her husband 24, they recently got a baby and they are so happy together 
Why me I cannot find a good man for me??


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## Danyy

About the parents of my actual boyfriend I think they are happy of our relationship cause their son he got house and everything without even spending one cents. Me when I went there they host me in their house, incredibly small (I know this is not the important), but he was saying it is more expensive that the one I bought that it is 300 square mt and that one maybe is 20 my
I am so frustrated...he made me buy even his groom dress and wedding rings (we were preparing for the wedding) , I organized all and him always with the excuses of work he didn't do anything. 
I never asked the moon, but a proper man, with the Capitol M


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## turnera

Danyy said:


> Good question, why I think they are good enough for me...cause when I love I do until the smallest piece of my bones, I love in a blind way, I give everything and I love very deeply, so I always think they are right and me I am wrong
> I am 33 years old and my ex is 28 and my actual boyfriend is 23, I know we have 10 years difference, but this it is not the matter, one of my friend is 34 and her husband 24, they recently got a baby and they are so happy together


What you describe is called "unconditional love" and it's considered the worst thing you can do in a relationship. It's good for kids, but not for husbands. Why? Because you two go into an arrangement that is for benefit for BOTH of you. In other words, you should only be meeting his needs AS LONG AS he is ALSO meeting YOUR needs.

Currently, you aren't getting any benefit from this Danyy. And you're getting nothing from your ex but promises - from a man who's willing to steal another man's woman. What makes you think he won't cheat on you, too?

And I ALWAYS tell people to not get serious with anyone who is younger than 25 because your brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25. In other words, you're basically dating a teenager.



> Why me I cannot find a good man for me??


I've already told you why. Because you don't love yourself. If YOU don't love yourself, how can you expect a man to love you? If YOU don't respect yourself, why should some man respect you? 

So what happens is that because you accept horrible treatment, that's the kind of men attracted to you - men who treat you horribly.

Here's an example. My daughter, who never doubted her own worth, who knew she deserved a great guy, had a two-strike rule. If a guy messed up, for example didn't show up for a date, she would give him ONE MORE CHANCE. If he didn't show up for a date a second time, even if she liked him, she would tell him she would not go out with him again, would not give him another chance. That's what having self respect looks like in action. 

In your case, you should try telling your boyfriend that you expect him to pay for dates moving forward. The first time he refuses to pay, you tell him you won't go out with him again until he puts up the money first. That's what self respect and self love looks like.


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## turnera

Danyy said:


> About the parents of my actual boyfriend I think they are happy of our relationship cause their son he got house and everything without even spending one cents. Me when I went there they host me in their house, incredibly small (I know this is not the important), but he was saying it is more expensive that the one I bought that it is 300 square mt and that one maybe is 20 my
> I am so frustrated...he made me buy even his groom dress and wedding rings (we were preparing for the wedding) , I organized all and him always with the excuses of work he didn't do anything.
> I never asked the moon, but a proper man, with the Capitol M


Danyy, read this out loud to yourself. Tell me ONE REASON this man is worth dating. Just one.


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## Danyy

Why I am so weak??????
I saw in my new boyfriend thr perfect man that was doing what my ex was not doing, but this situation has been very short, now my boyfriend is becoming a man that just simply take advantage on me.
My ex boyfriend now he is so nice and he makes me thinking that I should stay with him, but i need to remember all the bad words he said to me and even now he is saying that me i didn't loved him and he was just a name in my list...with all what i did for him i cannot understand how he can talk like this 
My actual boyfriend is becoming like no more the one i need, now that he is far for some days I don't miss him and I don't even feel to talk with him. Before was my ex doing my voice to take joke on me, now also my boyfriend is doing....the Family of my boyfriend is writing and calling me every day but as per the actual situation is becoming something very annoying. Seriously I am thinking to come back to my ex, but even in this case I don't know how can I do as I need to delete this time with my current boyfriend.


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## Danyy

Please dear member don't think bad about me...I am seriously confused and I am completely alone to face all these issues and stress


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## turnera

Don't you have any friends you can talk to?


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## turnera

Danyy said:


> Seriously I am thinking to come back to my ex


Danyy, WHY? Why do you think about going to ANY man? 

You don't need a man, Danyy. It's clear you can take care of yourself, buy your own home, furnish it, feed yourself.

Why do you 'need' a man?

Work on yourself. Find a therapist and start going until you learn to love and value yourself. Stay away from men. PLEASE.


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## Danyy

I don't have any friend close to me to speak with.
I don't think to go to any man...for me my ex is not any man, I see him always special even if he did wrong in the way he treated me.
I am so sad cause having a good person beside me was a dream but now I feel it is vanished....


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## Danyy

So much angry today....I can bite someone.....my boyfriend yesterday was keeping on saying we bought house, we paied a lot of money, we buy all the furniture....excuse me...we?????????????
I .......not we......all the expenses are made by me and he is able to say we .....no shame, seriously, he didn't take out anything, just words....i am tired...I don't want to see him for some days.
I am becoming full of this situation, now after two days I will see him and I want to tell him directly, I would like to find a good way to tell him, but I don't know, I am so upset. Just because he paied money for my ticket to go to visit his Country, so it is allowed to say anything, but problem is that he paied 200 dollars and me more than 120000 dollars, small difference!!!!!!
Now still a lot of expenses all for me, and I saw one ring that I like too much since long time and he said...you don't need this...we have many other expenses....and me I answered that he needs to help me with the economical expenses...he always said yes but until now nothing...only words...
Enough also for me that I am very patient...but when it is over it is over.


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## WorkingWife

Danyy said:


> Thank you for your kind replies. I am so sad and lost, sometimes I would like to run to my ex but I think he is so soft now just to get back what he lost. With my new boyfriend I start to be disappointed but I don't want to be again heart broken...what I should do??


Leave them both.

Your ex boyfriend is being sentimental because you're no longer there and he misses you. But if you go back to him, after a couple weeks or months it will be the same way it always was.

Your current boyfriend is a lot like your ex boyfriend in that he takes you for granted. Have you told him you don't want to support him? What does he say? Obviously he does not care. If you are willing to give it, he is willing to take it even if he knows it is not right. Would you do that to someone? Just take from them and not give back? NO. But he will because that is the kind of person he is. It doesn't matter how much you LOVE him, that is who he is. Most men have to much pride and desire to protect their woman to do that. He does not.

You have enough money to support yourself because right now you are supporting yourself PLUS a man who is not careful how he spends. Break up with him. 

Be on your own for a few months. When you feel like you are happy with or without a man, then you know you are ready to be in a relationship because you can enjoy the love and companionship but you will have standards and can walk away if he doesn't treat you right.

There will ALWAYS be another man. Do not feel desperate just because you're being treated badly. That is who he is. You do not need to accept that.


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## turnera

Danyy, NEITHER of those men is honorable. You deserve better. If YOU won't respect yourself, and demand better, why would you expect them to treat you better?

Pack up your boyfriend's stuff, put it in storage somewhere, and tell him where to go find it. Show some strength.


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## Danyy

I am getting mad, seriously, every day I am getting very sad and I feel so bad. Yesterday my boyfriend was dare to say, that there is nothing that it is mine or his, everything is ours....very nice to say for someone that didn't take out even one cent from him pocket and just take advantage. Now that he is learning driving school he already told me that all his money will go for the lessons and after he needs a car so I immediately understood what he meant to say...to buy it for him.
He was always saying that my ex is failure and just took advantage cause some time he was asking me to buy for him phone charge, now it is already long time that also my actual boyfriend always ask me for the same, so??
I am tired and feed up. He didn't pay for anything and after he says...I buy...what you buy?
Seriously now he is also saying that the driving school teacher is saying he is driving very nice and he is expert...I want to laugh....he doesn't even know the basic of an engine and the wheels....I am in a bad situation. 
He thinks to be superman but he is not.
I am so so sad


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## Danyy

Now my ex is becoming so much caring and attentive, he is telling me he still love me.....now.it is like the perfect man....


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## WorkingWife

Danyy said:


> About the parents of my actual boyfriend I think they are happy of our relationship cause their son he got house and everything without even spending one cents. Me when I went there they host me in their house, incredibly small (I know this is not the important), but he was saying it is more expensive that the one I bought that it is 300 square mt and that one maybe is 20 my
> I am so frustrated...he made me buy even his groom dress and wedding rings (we were preparing for the wedding) , I organized all and him always with the excuses of work he didn't do anything.
> I never asked the moon, but a proper man, with the Capitol M


*Have you told him any of this? *

That you are not happy? That you want a man who can support you, not the other way around? That he says he wants to marry you but shows no interest in the wedding? That you have realized you do NOT want to be married to a man who would let you pay all the bills PLUS pay for the wedding? You don't want to be married to a man who would run up more bills when you're sitting in the heat to save money.

If you can't say it to his face, write him a letter. Tell him the relationship is over and this is why: You are a very loving, giving person. Therefore, you need a man whose instinct is to take care of you and look out for you. To protect you from giving too much. A man who would not be able to let you pay all the bills and for the wedding.

He sounds very controlling and manipulative. You are not married yet. Do NOT marry him. This will never get better.
Please read this - does this sound like him? https://hackspirit.com/love-bombing-10-ways-narcissists-use-it-to-control-you/


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## turnera

Both of them are USERS. They are USING YOU. One uses you by daring you to stand up to him; the other is kissing up to you SO he can use you.

Please, you are better than this. You deserve better than this. 

And this guy is your boyfriend, not your husband - he doesn't get ANYTHING from your relationship, unless his name is on a contract. 

What are you doing to start liking yourself more? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you going out and making female friends? Are you signing up for a class to learn something? Are you joining a group of other women for tennis or knitting or cooking or something?

NONE of this will change until YOU change.


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## Danyy

I read the article workingwife you kindly suggested me and with my big surprise I discover that there is many things in common with my boyfriend, except for giving a lot of gifts, thing that doesn't even pass in his mind.
The love with him started in a strange way, I was with my ex and my actual boyfriend has been always a close friend for me, we were used to talk too much and suddenly when he saw, and I was also telling him, that with my ex i had a lot of problems, suddenly he declares my love for me. Immediately I didn't believe that and I was keeping him as friend like before. Unfortunately the love with my ex was continuously going worst and we got divided, so my actual boyfriend came inside the situation and all started. He bring me home and I met his Family, he said they are happy...of course he got to stay in my house and me I pay all...his house it is not even big like one room of mine. The house big or small it is not the matter, but it is just to make understand the character he has.
I bought house, furniture and every time we go shopping I pay...I told him already also about this and he said that he understand he needs to help me, but in one minute already forget.
Many times I told him already, in a joking way, to buy jewellery for me...one time, this not as a joke, I told him that he didn't even bought a ring for our engagement and him just smile....at least my ex the ring he bought. Now for everything I bought he starts to say...I bought this and that...what you bought? Nothing..not even your socks....man without shame.
I never asked anything to anybody, I am not that kind of person, but i like also that someone that care of me, not only me i need to take care of others.
For marriage I am the one who organized everything, him just sitting and justify himself telling he is working, me I had some vacation but I work as well and in the days of vacation I got fully busy, so no relax and I was doing like his taxi, I needed to drop and pick him up from work. 
In house he is really messy and me I get angry, this is my house and I love it, I put all my financial resources in it and it was my dream. He just throw things and me I cannot see this.
Every day I need to tell him not to use continuously the air conditioning cause the electicity bill will be high, but he doesn't care and he says that he needs cause he feels hot and when I said that until now in his house he never had air conditioning and just now they put, he says that they had cooler....I am tired...seriously tired. When I love I give everything, I am like that, this is my character. I already suffered a lot in my life, I need to be happy now 
I don't tolerate his behaviour and even listening when he says my house...what?????????? Or saying all is ours...yes and him what he bring? He doesn't have even clothes...he has four pants, six shorts, four shirts, two shirts, two bath towels, some underwear and socks and four pairs of shoes...this is normal??
He wants to decide things in my house, I don't need anyone doing like this. He wants to teach me how to do this ot that, cause in his house they do like this or that.
Now that he is learning how to drive he wants to correct me, but me I am driving since years, him he doesn't have even the licence. He is full of himself. We go supermarket and every mirror he goes and look to himself, maybe to say congratulation for him.
I am getting feed up of all of this. He never did anything of house works and he wants to teach me, but in all his life he never did. If I wash cutlery or plates he come to check and after he says it is dirty...him, if I go work he doesn't even rinse his cup, but better like this, anyway in the way he does it is not proper.
Now he is saying he needs a big car, I guess to show like he is rich and strong man....but if he will have car will not come from his pocket but this nobody will know, he will make himself like a king....
Now every time he is away from some days I am so happy and I don't miss him at all ...I am so confused and worried...I am alone and I don't have moral support


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## WorkingWife

Danyy said:


> Now my ex is becoming so much caring and attentive, he is telling me he still love me.....now.it is like the perfect man....


Of course. This is because you are getting fed up and he can sense it and he does not want to lose you because you let him use you and you are meek and don't object. 

The things he does are very manipulative and controlling. Taking you to see his family so you feel guilty if you leave him because they think so highly of you. Claiming in public that the two of you bought this or that when it was you, so you again feel embarrassed to say anything. Telling you everything is "ours" like HE is generous when YOU have paid for everything?

I am getting so angry at YOU for allowing this because you totally remind me of ME. IN THE PAST. I knew I was being mistreated and used, but I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't want to hurt or embarrass my husband so I went along with the game that everything I paid for was OURS. Meanwhile he just kept running up debt. I was so lost and confused -- I would say but HOW can I leave him? And people would say "You just DO IT." And I would think "But HOW? I can't just DO that..." And then one day I JUST DID IT. It was NOT easy, but I DID it, I DID it, I DID it!!!! And now I am free and happy. Unfortunately I waited until I was in my 50's and even though I made a lot of money compared to many, I have nothing but debt because he spent everything and more.

Don't let these men control you. Get out and do what Turnera says - be on your own for awhile. I met a great guy right away but was hesitant to get serious. HE WAITED because he really liked me. THEN one day I realized that I was happy with him but also perfectly fine and happy withOUT him. That was when I knew I could get serious again, because I know if things go downhill, I can walk away. I really feel like things are going to work out BECAUSE I respect myself more now and because of that he respects me too. Guys in the past never respected me because there was something desperate about me, even though I was a really nice person and treated them great. I was still pathetic and that is not TRULY attractive to anyone. If he does not have to WORK to keep you, he is not going to respect you.

You can see what is wrong -- you are weak and fall for men who use you. This is YOUR life. DO something about it.

I would read up on NARCISSISM. Both your guys, definitely this current one, sound like narcissists to me. You can NEVER be happy with a narcissist no matter HOW much YOU love on them.


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## turnera

Why don't you believe you deserve to be treated well? What was your childhood like? Are women just used or ignored in your culture? One of my daughter's friends is from Korea, and her parents expected the world of her - A's in school, become a doctor, do all the housework - while they treated her brother like he was a prince - let him play video games all day, brought him his food, never expected anything from him. That girl ended up having a nervous breakdown and throwing everything away (school, career), because she couldn't handle being used. When all she had to do was learn to say no.


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## Danyy

My childhood had been very difficult, I can say it had been destroyed completely. I missed all.my childhood, I don't know what is being a child. I was hoping to receive love now that I am adult but still I am suffering, so I don't know.
I don't belong to a place where women are not treated good, i am from Europe but i live abroad, even in this country ladies are treated properly, but my boyfriend make me disappointed. 
He thinks to be i don't know what...he things to be perfect but..i am feed up and so so sad


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## WorkingWife

Danyy said:


> My childhood had been very difficult, I can say it had been destroyed completely. I missed all.my childhood, I don't know what is being a child. I was hoping to receive love now that I am adult but still I am suffering, so I don't know.
> I don't belong to a place where women are not treated good, i am from Europe but i live abroad, even in this country ladies are treated properly, but my boyfriend make me disappointed.
> He thinks to be i don't know what...he things to be perfect but..i am feed up and so so sad


Sorry if I already told you this. He really sounds like a narcissist, I would google that. Narcissists are obsessed with their appearance/impression. They would pretend they bought things you bought in front of others. They would have to have a nice car so they look successful. And they are often very uncaring. Deep down they care only about themselves, so they will run the AC when you can't afford it, because they care that they are comfortable. They don't care how you will pay your bills. Everything is about their comfort, their happiness, their image.

I am confused. You say you DO talk to him about not paying for anything and he says he will but then he "forgets." How can he "forget" unless you step in and pay? Say you went out to dinner and he was going to pay, but then when the bill comes, he just sits there, expecting you to pay. Do you just pay it and feel resentful? If you have already talked to him about this I would just pick the bill up and put it in front of him. Then just sit there forever chatting with him until he breaks down and pays the bill or tries to get you to pay it. I would also have "forgotten" your wallet, so there is no way you can pay it. 

But my point is, if you have talked to him about this, why are you still paying?

He sounds extremely controlling. EXTREMELY. He knows you have low self esteem and don't like confrontation, so he gaslights you by telling blatant lies to your face about him paying for things, and other lies. He knows you won't call him on it because he feels he has you under his thumb.

Please do not marry him. If you can't just break up with him (He has his own home, you should be able to.) Then at the very least I would tell him you have discovered you don't have any money to pay for the wedding. And just see what he does. I doubt he'll pay so it should at least buy you some time to get up the nerve to dump him.


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## turnera

So you try to find men who will treat you the way you wish your parents had treated you. Do you realize that's impossible? The ONLY solution you have to be happy is to be alone - for now - and learn to love yourself. Learn that love that you never got as a child from your parents.

Are you seeing a therapist?


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## Spicy

Sweetheart, do not marry this man. This should be the happiness time in your life. Falling in love, getting engaged, and being so sure you want to spend your life with the person, such joy and happiness is the way it should be. I’m not saying everything should be perfect, but it should NOT be the way you describe it.

Let him go. You will find a good match, but these two were not him. And that is ok!


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## Danyy

Hello everybody, I truly appreciate all your messages and please don't stop writing me, I need your suggestions and your support, please.
Yesterday I had a fight with my boyfriend cause he was saying that immediately after marriage we need to have a baby and me I said that I prefer wait for some time, so he started saying that if I will be not pregnant in the first month after marriage, his Family will start to ask....but ask what? They are not the one that need to make baby...what is this??
So after that he started to say that to make a baby we need to have a lot of money for him or her and me I said that if I wait to be rich I will.never have a baby. I told him that a baby needs food and love, baby doesn't need iPhone or these kind of super expensive stuff...but him cannot understand. 
At least yesterday he recognize that I am the one that did everything...but him he feels to be superman and today again order for tomorrow...I need to go to pick him up after work....me too I work and I work for sure harder than him.
I am so tired....him he is I don't know...
From the other side my ex is so tender he makes me feel that I want him back...
What to do??


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## turnera

Kick them both out of your life.


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## Danyy

I feel bad cause now also they start to say bad word for.me, like I am a lady that goes with everybody, but I never did something like that. 
I need to ear my liver for stupid things but that hurt me a lot....


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## aquarius1

They say bad things to make you weak and make you stay. If you do not leave now you will be so much more sad than you are now. Imagine, a crying baby, no sleep, no money, forced to work because he won’t, he says everything you do is wrong, he doesn’t help. Next thing you know he will be going with other women because he will say you weren’t good enough.

Please. Leave them both behind. Ignore his family. Ignore what they say. You know you didn’t do those things. You don’t have to explain to them. . He gets in the middle of your relationship with your ex-boyfriend and then calls you-bad names?

Stop fighting. Stop arguing. Make him leave. You work and make good money. You will survive.

You came here because you KNEW something was wrong and you were looking for answers. You are being used and possibly abused.

Get out while you are young.


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## Danyy

I discovered on his phone some picture that daily he took of himself, only his face in different places. I discovered that during his free day, during my working day, he took some pictures of his face in the bed. He thinks to be super handsome but...someone says that he is like a gorilla...actually he is...he is only able to make himself big by words, but practically nothing is there. He speaks about himself like the most in everything, even in that meaning...I know you understand what I mean to say....I am so feed up. I am tired and bored and disappointed. Just looking at him I feel nausea😥😥😶😶how is it possible that I choose this person?? How ?? 😭😭


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## EleGirl

Danyy said:


> Please dear member don't think bad about me...I am seriously confused and I am completely alone to face all these issues and stress


It sounds like you need a support system... you know, people who care about you and who you can talk to. Do you have any family or female friends around you? If so, what do they say about all this?

You say that you have a job. How many hours a week do you work?

What do you do when you are not working? Do you have any hobbies or things that you enjoy doing? Do you ever go visit family and friends?


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## SunCMars

turnera said:


> Kick them both out of your life.


Yes, start fresh, from some new beginning.

Get a female renter to help with the bills. Advertise at a local Convenience Store, or 7-11 store for a single lady. She must have a job and be working, having one older child is OK.

It is OK to meet new men if that is what you want. Talking to other men is OK.

Many here want you to take a break from men, I agree. But, you sound like you need someone in your life for other reasons, normal reasons.

For example, someone to talk to, someone to help you with things around the house, a female roommate can do this. Make sure you do this renter option legally, with a written contract. Stipulate what this person can and cannot do in your home. Make sure they sign the contract. Go online and print one off, if needed. 

Right now you need a friend more than a sex partner. You can date men, just do not let them move in with you. You are 33 years old, you still have time to find a good man. Find a man your age or older than you, one with a steady job, a calm personality. One who enjoys smiling and being a good friend. A man who is generous with his things.


The renter should be expected to help clean up after themselves. Tell them this up front. Be very careful, and selective whom you allow in your house. Take your time, you are not in a hurry. 
When you have a second person in the house who pays rent, you can afford to keep the air conditioning on....as needed. Get character references on this lady. Run a credit check.


Talk to me about your house, how many bedrooms does it have, does it have a basement and garage?

The last thing you need is another person with issues. No men should be allowed to camp out at your house. 

Both the men that you are talking about want to lock you down, to get you off the market.

Why?

They see your value.
Please see your own value, also.

Don't get angry, get busy organizing a better future for yourself.



KB-


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## turnera

Danyy said:


> Just looking at him I feel nausea; how is it possible that I choose this person?? How ??


We've already told you how you chose him - a childhood where you weren't loved and taught to love yourself.

The question you should instead be asking is - if you look at him and feel NAUSEA, why are you still WITH him?

No relationship should be that way. Just tell him to move out.


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## luipere

First of all welcome to the forum and my advice is to leave it without any doubt.


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## Danyy

Hello everybody and thanks for all your kind replies. I didn't write anything for some days cause I observe what is going on.
My ex now is very delicate he is asking me to go back to him and to forgive him for mistreating me. Seriously many times inside of me something is screaming to go back to him.
My boyfriend continues to do the same, no care and just complain. Even when he takes one spoon he need to wipe it or wash it, but me I maintain all clean. He looks in one place and he said it is dusty, but me I clean every time.
We go to the supermarket and me I need to pay. He just carry on the trolley and he doesn't care about the price. Last time he got disappointed cause I didn't accept to buy one paint cause expensive. Now he needs to get that driving licence, but still complain even if I pay also some of his lessons. Already he is asking for car and he wants big car to show off 
He is already saying he wants to bring here his Family on visit, seriously I am not so happy for this. He plans to take them here and there but after who will pay? Me like every time. 
For the marriage all is again on my shoulder. I am getting tired. 
I wanted to buy one pair of shoes for me but he complained saying I have a lot of shoes and I am.not using. He is counting my dress and shoes, but me I am a girl and it is normal having a lot. He has only few clothes cause he doesn't have nothing and his Family has a house that is 10 m², but he is saying that it is more expensive than the house I bought!!!!!!
I am disappointed and sad, he throw his clothes everywhere and he doesn't respect things...just saying our house...what our...mine....
Yesterday I met one of my friend and we talk a little bit, after before going to my house I went to buy some items and I met one man that he was very closed to me some months ago but after me I put him in the corner, cause I was with my ex. This man is very nice, he is delicate and he always treated me very nicely. I seriously regret that I let him go...after meeting me yesterday he wrote to one of my friend saying that he still like me and he is not changed but me I don't give him chance to talk and to meet me.
Now I am in trouble, with my boyfriend i went in his house and now he is always remember me that all his Family is waiting fo our marriage. They also write me but me I try to talk as few as possible. Now he already spend some time in my house and if I will tell him to go maybe he will come back there and me I don't want to change house for him. I love my house.
He made the advertisement for the .marriage, two as for rule, but now still to prepare the document, but the advertisement has been done.
I don't know what I can do...


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## turnera

You know what to do - end things. With both of them. And learn to be ok by yourself. Nothing will improve until you do.

Meanwhile look up emotional abuse; that is what your boyfriend is doing.


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## Danyy

I reflected on the situation. I feel so sad and disappointed from my boyfriend that sometimes I truly feel to tell him to stay away from me, but after I feel the pressure of this organized marriage, like I have a rope around my neck and if I try to escape it will be more tight.
Just now he wrote me telling me to buy this and that and to pick him up this time and drop him that time...seriously like I am his employee.
Now he is complaining that I will have some days of vacation and me I told him that I am also tired, I wake up at 4 am every morning and after I come back at 6 PM, after this cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking and at 12 am need to go pick him up and after only four hours I need to get up..it is tiring and especially with him that seems all for granted. 
With my ex I am like keep on thinking of him, I miss him a lot , i miss all our moments, like i delete all the bad time.
Now my friend that i spoke in the previous message, invite me to go out. I would like to go but i feel bad cause i cannot say anything to my boyfriend and i feel guilty...i should be his wife soon...how? But this guy,my friend is so special, seriously, attentive, caring, nice, kind, gentle, unique...
Confusion.. I feel too much pressure from my boyfriend and his Family, like we are already married. His Family keeps on asking when we got married, they are sure we are already married and they ask for baby....
Help


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## jlg07

Danyy said:


> I reflected on the situation. I feel so sad and disappointed from my boyfriend that sometimes I truly feel to tell him to stay away from me, but after I feel the pressure of this organized marriage, like I have a rope around my neck and if I try to escape it will be more tight.
> 
> I hope you realize that if you GO THROUGH with this marriage, the rope will be completely closed around your neck. This IS NOT a good relationship for you. Getting out NOW will save you $$ and grief. You cannot let others, or fear of what they will think, rule your life. It is YOUR life, not his family, not his, not your ex's, etc.. You need to do what is right for YOU, and from what you are writing here, this really is NOT a good relationship for you. He is taking advantage of your good nature -- do NOT allow this anymore. A man has to be responsible -- he is not a man -- he is a child.
> 
> Just now he wrote me telling me to buy this and that and to pick him up this time and drop him that time...seriously like I am his employee.
> Now he is complaining that I will have some days of vacation and me I told him that I am also tired, I wake up at 4 am every morning and after I come back at 6 PM, after this cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking and at 12 am need to go pick him up and after only four hours I need to get up..it is tiring and especially with him that seems all for granted.
> What exactly does HE do in your relationship? What are YOU getting out of this?
> 
> With my ex I am like keep on thinking of him, I miss him a lot , i miss all our moments, like i delete all the bad time.
> FORCE yourself to remember the bad stuff -- if you don't you are doomed to repeat it. REMEMBER why you are not with him. LEARN the lesson -- REALLY learn it so that you can grow and be a better you.
> 
> Now my friend that i spoke in the previous message, invite me to go out. I would like to go but i feel bad cause i cannot say anything to my boyfriend and i feel guilty...i should be his wife soon...how? But this guy,my friend is so special, seriously, attentive, caring, nice, kind, gentle, unique...
> DO NOT do this -- you are with your boyfriend. Do NOT become a cheater. Break up with your boyfriend/fiance first before going out with anyone else (and even then, you need to get your self-esteem up so that other guys can't treat you like this).
> 
> Confusion.. I feel too much pressure from my boyfriend and his Family, like we are already married. His Family keeps on asking when we got married
> Ask them WHEN IS HE going to pay for something? Tell them he is irresponsible and doesn't treat you well -- why would you want to marry him?
> STOP letting them make you feel guilty when in all fairness it is HIS fault, not yours. THEY just want to pawn him off on you so that he becomes YOUR problem and not theirs.
> , they are sure we are already married and they ask for baby....
> Help


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not marry him. You need to get yourself together first before letting ANYONE else into your life. YOU are worth more than having some guy treat you like this. Again, what are YOU getting out of this relationship? STOP being an ATM, a cab driver, and a Mommy for this guy. He is not mature enough to be in a relationship with you, much less a marriage.

I could suggest that YOU get some Individual Counseling to help improve your self-esteem, and your "picker" so that you stop getting with guys that will treat you so poorly.
Very sorry that you are going through all of this -- but if you realize that you are worth more than a guy who treats you like this, you will be better off in the long run..


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## Danyy

Thank you for the reply that I read with lot of interest. 
From this relationship I am not getting anything , almost anything. Just sometimes he acts like he is the best man in the world and he thinks to be like superman. And for sure from him.money it is not coming out, just words. He didn't even buy an engagement ring for me. He just keeps on looking at him in the mirror when we go shopping and nothing else 
I am.not a cheater, I don't like cheater. But seriously going out with a friend make me a cheater?


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## Danyy

See I think I need a break from him, I don't even feel to see him and I also tell.him.already but he doesn't understand


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## turnera

You need a break from ALL MEN.

Have you found a therapist to see yet?


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## jlg07

Danyy, you seem to be flipping from guy to guy to guy. Your BF, then your ex, then this "other guy" that you regret leaving... Do you NEED another man? Why are you not working on YOURSELF and not be with anyone right now. You need to work on your self-esteem so that you don't accept being treated like your ex and BF treat you. You need to learn to have boundaries in place that you will not let them cross. You need to read the red-flags around these guys to know they are not candidates for a Long Term Relationship. You need to stand up for yourself and NOT accept this type of behavior from someone who is supposed to love you. Do not give away your love to someone who does not deserve it.


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## turnera

You haven't changed at all. You haven't 'reflected' on anything. You just keep repeating the same stuff over and over without CHANGING anything. How do you expect anything to improve if you change nothing and don't follow anybody's advice?


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## Danyy

I am sorry that I continued to write about my problem. I was feeling alone and confused so I decided to write my story here


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## turnera

Are you looking for a solution to your pain or are you just complaining? This is a place where you can learn to CHANGE your life so that you can be happy. But nobody can do it for you. You have to be willing to change what you are doing. Since you have come here, not one single person has told you that either one of these men should be in your life, yet you won't talk about leaving them. We can't do that for you.


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## Danyy

It is not that I don't want to talk about leaving them, but me I am extremely sensitive and I need time. I feel bad that my heart got broken again


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## turnera

You won't change without a plan. You can either come here and complain about how unhappy you are...and still be coming here a year from now complaining about how unhappy you are - or you can come here and ask for actual advice on what to do to get unstuck, and then take CONCRETE STEPS toward being happy. 

Which do you want?


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## Danyy

I need a concrete support to find the way to be no more stucked in this situation. I would like to be happy. But I feel weak, like I am.in a cage and I cannot move from there


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## turnera

So you have come here for advice. Are you willing to take the steps that we are advising you to do?


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## Betrayedone

Danyy said:


> Thank You all for the kind answers you gave me, I truly appreciate all of them and I recognize that I don't have enough love for myself.
> About the suggestion not to go deeper with the new guy, I guess it is a little but late, he already introduced me to his Family and now he is telling to everyone that he will marry me, some time I got angry for this.
> One more suggestions please, so both of them are not good for me??


That is correct!


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## Danyy

Yes I am ready to move my steps.


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## Cynthia

Danyy said:


> Yes I am ready to move my steps.


Good. Please don't step towards the alter. Marriage is not the answer here. You will be even more miserable than you are now. 

I don't think you're as confused as you think you are. You are sick and tired of being manipulated and taken advantage of. That is clear. The only confusion I see is that you are confused about why you are sick and tired of being taken advantage of. Your boyfriend doesn't love you. He is is using you. Free yourself.

You can't find true love if you are saddled to someone who you are miserable with. Don't go looking for someone new until you stop this relationship with your boyfriend. Take some time to work on your personal life and get to a healthy place before you look for someone else. These worthless men can see that you are desperate for love, so they manipulate your feelings and take advantage of you. Not all men are like that, but you need to be putting out different signals that show you are a woman of value and expect to be treated as such.


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## turnera

I know firsthand how hard it is to stand up to manipulative men. Especially when you don't have the personal self worth to understand you have the right to deserve and expect better.

So the best thing for you to do is to take STEPS. Small steps. Pick one step at a time and DO that step - consistently - until it feels natural and right. Any step you take to change the status quo is going to be scary at first, but once you start doing it consistently, it will build up your self esteem and reduce your fear about standing up for yourself.

So, what steps? There are several you could take, but I recommend one simple one first: stop spending your money on your boyfriend. This is crucial to untangling yourself from him and his manipulation and guilt. It will create an awareness that you are no longer going to be his wallet. 

Now, you could stop buying him groceries, or you could stop handing him money or you could get separate tickets when you go out to eat and refuse to pay for his. Which one do you think you can accomplish?


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## Cynthia

turnera said:


> So the best thing for you to do is to take STEPS. Small steps. Pick one step at a time and DO that step - consistently - until it feels natural and right. Any step you take to change the status quo is going to be scary at first, but once you start doing it consistently, it will build up your self esteem and reduce your fear about standing up for yourself.
> 
> So, what steps? There are several you could take, but I recommend one simple one first: stop spending your money on your boyfriend. This is crucial to untangling yourself from him and his manipulation and guilt. It will create an awareness that you are no longer going to be his wallet.


 I agree with this, but you can't very well stop buying him groceries when he's eating in your home or refuse to pay for his meal when you are paying for yours, because the restaurant isn't going to be good with him walking out with you and one of you not paying. Again, really good idea, but start with something that you can actually control.

* Don't go out to restaurants with him anymore. 
* Tell him you are no longer paying for his driving lessons.
* Never hand him money.

Stand firm. He will leave you and you won't have to worry about him anymore. However, he may escalate the manipulation and become angry. You will need to prepare yourself for that and be able to stand firm. He may call you names and blame all this on you, but you know they are lies. This is not on you. He is sucking the life out of you, like a psychic vampire. Only you can make it stop.


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## Danyy

I read with all interest your kind reply and I started to practice. I will not pay anymore for anything for him and now he stops also his driving lessons and me I don't care anymore to push him. Now I will get one small kitten.
Yesterday like usual he left his dirty clothes on the bedroom instead of putting g in the basket like I usually told him and me I did one thing...I throw this two clothes, I am not his servant.
Today I went out with some friends and I didn't told anything to him. 
His Family keeps on writing me but me I don't reply or if I do I just say hello


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## Cynthia

Danyy said:


> I read with all interest your kind reply and I started to practice. I will not pay anymore for anything for him and now he stops also his driving lessons and me I don't care anymore to push him. Now I will get one small kitten.
> Yesterday like usual he left his dirty clothes on the bedroom instead of putting g in the basket like I usually told him and me I did one thing...I throw this two clothes, I am not his servant.
> Today I went out with some friends and I didn't told anything to him.
> His Family keeps on writing me but me I don't reply or if I do I just say hello


This is a very good start. 

In all of this, I caution you to keep your temper. There is no point in getting into a fight with him. What you are doing is perfectly reasonable. If he has a problem with that, don't argue about it. You aren't going to change his mind and if you get into an argument with him, he may be able to wear you down. If you need to, walk away and don't respond to his argument.

You are doing a good job in not replying to his family's messages. Saying "hello" is a good way to deflect from entering into argument with them. Even if you tell them that you aren't going to talk about "it," that would be entering into the argument. Remember that you don't have to explain yourself to them or anyone. You only explain when it is necessary to maintain or grow a healthy relationship, not when you are trying to end a dysfunctional relationship.

Another thing you could do is to block his family member's numbers from your phone so you don't have to deal with them at all, but they may come over and harass you.


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## Danyy

Thank You for the useful reply
I would like to share what happened two days ago. He started to saying that now he needs to send a lot of money to his Family cause they need to built a wall as there is one dog that was almost biting his mother...and me I told him that if the dog has a owner he must take care of the dog ...he says that he cannot and the dog is crazy...my boyfriend is crazy, completely crazy...he thinks me I will believe this...no way...he talks like his Family got a lot...they live in four in ten square meters house, there is not even toilet with normal discharge, one bed shared into four, I don't want to criticize but when he said that the house of his Family is expensive like mine I wanted to laugh...10 square meters compared to more than 300 square meters.
I started to hate when he says...I bought this or that and it is me that I bought all things and yesterday I corrected him saying that it is me that i bought everything. 
He is lazy like I never saw before, sleeping until the last second and doing nothing, just king life...even when he did some small work like fixing the curtains he broke the drill and he made too many holes in the wall. He thinks to be super man, but he is zero man. Sorry I use the word man, I don't want to offend the real men.
He keeps on saying we need to get married and me I don't even reply anymore. I am feed up and his Family that write me and ask me where is he and if I say he is not here they will ask me why I am alone.in the house, here all is mine , mine. He doesn't have even clothes ..right shirt, four shirt, six trousers, two slippers and four pair of shoes...and he keeps on saying me I have many things...yes I do but I never asked to him or anybody else. I am a girl and I like clothes, him he wants to show he is big man but he is the smallest man I met in my life, even worst than my ex. Now he keeps on saying he needs a big car,muscular, for what? To show like he has money...poor guy...no value at all...I feel shame on me that I choose him, I feel so guilty. 
Now he pretends to use my bicycle, absolutely I don't want and i put a lock. Easy for him to say we need to share everything and what is mine is his ans what is his is mine...he has nothing...so for me nothing but he wants the benefit of everything 
He eats like a dinosaur here but in his home not. Here is able to eat three meals and plus two bars of chocolate and eight banana,
I cannot believe I made this mistake. It is absolutely not affordable.
He keeps air conditioning opened for all the time he is in the house, I already told him to stop with this but no listen cause no bill to pay for him. But from one side I am happy he didn't buy anything for the house so all is mine and he just need to go. I will pack all his things with big smile on my face. The only things I need to change two lock cause he had the keys so I want to change it so he cannot enter anymore. The only issue is that probably he will keep on coming here and making drama.
I want to share here everything is going on so that you can suggest me in the best way...now that I changed work...he told me before he wanted to change as well, but now he starts to make excuse...drama fake guy.
Now every time I say some complain he starts to saying if I think he is fake and why if he is fake he was doing all these things...which things? He just introduced me to his Family and he makes request for marriage?? These very extremely big things?? I need to laugh...good actor...but now the movie is finished...I am full of this movie. 
I can say that even in intimate moments he just looks for his satisfaction, he needs to have his full complete satisfaction, you understand what I mean, and for his partner he doesn't care. The important is that the king will be happy and satisfied. He thinks to be the man more dotated also in that...he keeps on saying phrases to emphasize his body and his potential 
I don't know from where can come a subject like this...desolate is saying few things about me...


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## Cynthia

You are on a roll! Don't worry about him anymore.

Pack his things, then change the locks. Put his things on the porch and tell him he is no longer welcome in your home. Tell him not to contact you again.


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## turnera

It sounds like you are finally starting to understand that he is using you. He picked you because you were easy to manipulate. Now you need to realize that he will never be a decent partner. Once you get to that point, you will be able to start breaking up with him and getting him out of the house. Understand, though, that you may end up having to go to the police to get them to help you get him out of your house.


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## Danyy

Hello, after some days of silence I start again to write, I am gaining self confidence and this allows me to be stronger. Now I am treating him with detachment. I don't accept anymore any physical contact and even in home I am.not cooking for him anymore. Now I got a kitten and I am focusing on this pet. He is getting jealous and he is starting to say that the pet loves him more than me but me I just remind him that who is taking care for everything about the kitten is me and only me, he just gives order to me and play with the kitten in a way that I don't like. And kitten is not ignorant , knows who is making effort and every time makes me happy with lot of sweetness. I am throwing out my boyfriend, I need some time but I am on my way
Any suggestions??


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## MattMatt

turnera said:


> Danyy, WHY? Why do you think about going to ANY man?
> 
> You don't need a man, Danyy. It's clear you can take care of yourself, buy your own home, furnish it, feed yourself.
> 
> Why do you 'need' a man?
> 
> Work on yourself. Find a therapist and start going until you learn to love and value yourself. Stay away from men. PLEASE.


Yes. I agree. Counselling is required.


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## turnera

Why do you need some time?

IIWY, I would find his best friend, tell him that you are kicking BF out and will he come and get his clothes and other stuff.


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## Cynthia

Are you really going to kick him out? Or are you hoping that he will get sick of you ignoring him and not being his servant so he will leave? What is holding you back from sending him packing right now?

You do realize that living with you is still better for him than his actual home. Your place is significantly more comfortable for him even if he has to do other things to care for himself. He isn't going anywhere unless you make him leave your home. Don't be passive/aggressive. Simply tell him that he needs to pack up and go. You have already made great progress. You can do this!


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