# Wife not happy.. Need advice



## loki10 (Feb 26, 2010)

To get straight to the point my wife and I have been married for just over 5 years now, together for 10. We have a 4 year old daughter together. I recently returned home from a military deployment in September, while I was deployed we both agreed that it would be best for her and our daughter to return to Florida, (where we both are originally from), and stay with my parents while I was away. I had only 5 months of active service left upon returning so we thought it would be best to have them stay in Florida so as not to interrupt her job and our daughter's education. We had 4 "vaccation periods" during these 5 months where I would visit them in Florida or they would visit me in Colorado for 1-2 weeks at a time. Upon arriving in Florida a couple of weeks ago things between us were completely normal. Until a minor argument completely turned our world upside down. We have not had any major problems in the past that we couldn't talk about it that day and reconcile. She has completely shut me out of her world, she will not talk to me, she has stayed with friends for the past week, and she cannot tell me what is wrong with the exception that "she is not happy with me anymore, and she doesn't know what she wants." I feel like she is still wanting to live the "single" life that she lead while I was gone. She had gotten a DUI a couple of months ago due to her partying and irresponsibility. I have forgiven her for that. She is now considering on renting her own apartment to have time to herself and stability for our daughter when she is with her. I'm at a stand still here, and I don't know what to do. I have offered to go to counseling together with her, but she refuses at this time. I'm letting her have her space, but I feel she is overreacting to the readjustment phase of us being back together again. 

Anyways that is the just of it... Any advice is welcome


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

she has met someone else and now wants to be with them and not you - everything else is a smokescreen on her part to keep you from finding that out




loki10 said:


> To get straight to the point my wife and I have been married for just over 5 years now, together for 10. We have a 4 year old daughter together. I recently returned home from a military deployment in September, while I was deployed we both agreed that it would be best for her and our daughter to return to Florida, (where we both are originally from), and stay with my parents while I was away. I had only 5 months of active service left upon returning so we thought it would be best to have them stay in Florida so as not to interrupt her job and our daughter's education. We had 4 "vaccation periods" during these 5 months where I would visit them in Florida or they would visit me in Colorado for 1-2 weeks at a time. Upon arriving in Florida a couple of weeks ago things between us were completely normal. Until a minor argument completely turned our world upside down. We have not had any major problems in the past that we couldn't talk about it that day and reconcile. She has completely shut me out of her world, she will not talk to me, she has stayed with friends for the past week, and she cannot tell me what is wrong with the exception that "she is not happy with me anymore, and she doesn't know what she wants." I feel like she is still wanting to live the "single" life that she lead while I was gone. She had gotten a DUI a couple of months ago due to her partying and irresponsibility. I have forgiven her for that. She is now considering on renting her own apartment to have time to herself and stability for our daughter when she is with her. I'm at a stand still here, and I don't know what to do. I have offered to go to counseling together with her, but she refuses at this time. I'm letting her have her space, but I feel she is overreacting to the readjustment phase of us being back together again.
> 
> Anyways that is the just of it... Any advice is welcome


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's having an affair. Tell her she is welcome to move out, but she will NOT be moving your daughter. Her choice.


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## lovesick (Feb 27, 2010)

Ok,sounds like there is another man in the picture.She isn't going to admit to it.I'm in the same boat.I can't admit it either.I don't want my hubby to get hurt.She may need time to figure out what she wants regarding you and the marriage.She may be in love with someone else and its clouding her judgement.Give her space.If she isn't happy with you then let her go,and co-parent your child with her.A bitter fight isn't good for your daughter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lovesick said:


> Ok,sounds like there is another man in the picture.She isn't going to admit to it.I'm in the same boat.I can't admit it either.I don't want my hubby to get hurt.She may need time to figure out what she wants regarding you and the marriage.She may be in love with someone else and its clouding her judgement.Give her space.If she isn't happy with you then let her go,and co-parent your child with her.A bitter fight isn't good for your daughter.


Yeah, right. Just let her keep on banging the other guy, since she's already gone down that path. OH, and don't forget to move out so you can make it easier for her to CHEAT on you and BREAK her marriage vows, just because she's too weak to do the hard work and FIX her marriage - or at the very least leave you BEFORE she starts seeing another man. Oh, and go ahead and let her keep the kid while YOU pay for her to keep the kid and have an affair.

Sheesh.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

First, thank you for your service to our country. I know readjusting to state side is an enormous undertaking for you and that getting support from loved ones would be a tremendous help. It sounds like your wife may have a drinking problem - hence the DUI. She may or may not be having an affair. She needs to do what she needs to do and you need to do what you need to do. Let her leave, but don't allow her to freely take your daughter. As she won't accept counseling, and says she doesn't know what she wants, then set a reasonable amount of time for her to figure it out, but make sure your bases are covered in the meantime. Please seek counseling on your own as well, you are going through a lot in your life right now and it would be very helpful for you.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Awesome advice HappyHer. Good to have you on the "TAM Team".

It doesn't make a lot of sense that a "minor argument" could completely uproot your marriage. There has to be more to it than that. 

The DUI is significant, because it starts to paint a picture of questionable judgement. How has she been handling money? Does she work? Does she have a strong social network?

Unless she is flat out brazen, it doesn't make sense to me that she would "cheat" on you while quartering at your parents house. No, a little too strange for my taste. 

I served for six years and there is always a little "bump" when reuniting after a deployment. It can sometimes be difficult to "restitch" two separate lives back together. She is definitely having some problems, the DUI testifies to that fact. 

Tell her to put everything on the table and promise her you won't get angry whatever she says. Tell her you need at least that for closure, and believe me brother you do.

LIL


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Based on experience, I don't think when a wife tells her H that she is not happy anymore, it means she is having an affair.

I have told my husband countless times that I somehow feel unhappy in our relationship. I feel that he has been lying to me. Not being true to me. Became demanding on when I will go back to the US. He does not even call me or our son. He does not know how to make me feel secure in our marriage. he does not know how to mange his finances. He does not have plan for us. He said he wants to live it one day at a time. These things make me unhappy and tempt me not to come back to the US to be with him. FOR THE RECORD, I am not having an affair. Never had and never plan to. I am just unhappy with him.

So, please let us give the wife a benefit of the doubt that she might just be really unhappy in their marriage. I believe talking things out will help. Asking what will make her happy and acting upon those things will turn things around. 

The thing with my H is that he is slow in acting upon things. He is so married to his cars and his car racing hobby.

Just my pov on the topic. *peace*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. I also wanted to leave my H just because of the relationship. But in her case you have deployment, months and months 'alone' and separate living arrangements. It's not a case of just not liking him any more. Not likely, anyway.

I just want him to verify if she is or isn't, because if she is, and statistics aren't pretty these days, he has to address the affair to get it out of the way if it's there. 

Of course, at the same time, loki, you should definitely be looking at yourself and asking yourself if you ARE providing her everything she needs in a husband. We should all be doing that, looking at ourselves...all throughout our marriage. Complacency will kill a marriage, too.


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