# Argument over how guests dressed up at our wedding



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

My husband and I have been married 3 months and I have known him for 2 years in total. We love each other deeply, but have our differences more of which I am discovering slowly. Recently I was going through our wedding photographs and something bothered me which hadn't bothered me before (probably because I didn't notice, our wedding was quite turbulent and we spet quite a few weeks recovering from the stress) - the guests from his side of the family were all looking like they walked right out of a jogger's park. They were all wearing sports shoes, jeans, t shirts and sports jackets. 
This bothered me quite a lot, because we had spent alot of time organising it and had invited only a special few guests since it was a small affair. I felt like this was disrespectful of them. 
But my husband didn't seem to care and didn't think it was a big deal. He said he had never cared about other people's appearances and he didnt think it was rude of them to do that. We had quite an argument about it. 
I am still upset about this. Any thoughts? Am i overreacting?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Aburjwal said:


> My husband and I have been married 3 months and I have known him for 2 years in total. We love each other deeply, but have our differences more of which I am discovering slowly. Recently I was going through our wedding photographs and something bothered me which hadn't bothered me before (probably because I didn't notice, our wedding was quite turbulent and we spet quite a few weeks recovering from the stress) - the guests from his side of the family were all looking like they walked right out of a jogger's park. They were all wearing sports shoes, jeans, t shirts and sports jackets.
> This bothered me quite a lot, because we had spent alot of time organising it and had invited only a special few guests since it was a small affair. I felt like this was disrespectful of them.
> But my husband didn't seem to care and didn't think it was a big deal. He said he had never cared about other people's appearances and he didnt think it was rude of them to do that. We had quite an argument about it.
> I am still upset about this. Any thoughts? Am i overreacting?


Yes you are overreacting.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If you had wanted guests to wear a specific attire, you should have indicated it on the invitations. Otherwise, let it go. The wedding is over, so there is no need in arguing over something you can do nothing about.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What exactly do you expect him to do about it?
Other than a time machine there’s not a lot he can do.
If it upsets you so much get your favorite group pictures and let a photoshop expert have a go at it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You are overreacting. Even if you wrote in the invitation, "Suit and Tie" uncle Bob would still show up in his best Harley Davidson t-shirt and probably drunk. 

You know how people say when one is invited to their home, "My house is such a mess." My answer is and always is. "I came to see you and not your home." Be happy family could come enjoy your wedding and not what everyone was wearing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The wedding doesn't matter, the marraige does. Do what you can to make the marriage great - forget about the wedding, they never turn out the way people hoped.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> You are overreacting. Even if you wrote in the invitation, "Suit and Tie" uncle Bob would still show up in his best Harley Davidson t-shirt and probably drunk.
> 
> You know how people say when one is invited to their home, "My house is such a mess." My answer is and always is. "I came to see you and not your home." Be happy family could come enjoy your wedding and not what everyone was wearing.


Yup.

On a related note, my H and I are approaching our 10th anniversary and I recently had our wedding photos out looking at them. For the small wedding we had, there are already 10 people in those photos that have since passed away. Some were older family members who lived long lives, but some who had their lives cut tragically short to the shock of us all. 

My only thought when looking at my photos is what I wouldn't give to have 10 more minutes back in that room with them all, one more time. Who cares what any of them were wearing. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Life lesson - next time don't marry into a family of bogans >


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> Life lesson - next time don't marry into a family of bogans >


I was also wondering if you married poorly, meaning someone who doesn't have your education (manners, not formal schooling) or class awareness.

You need to let it go. They were not intentionally disrespecting your marriage. They just lack class. There is nothing you or your husband can do to change the past, or change them in the future.

Your husband is compatible with you, yes? Then love him and love his family. If you hate his family, you will alienate your husband.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sounds like you are just looking for things to fight about. 

How on earth do you fight about what someone ELSE wore a while ago????????


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Thanks for your replies. I think what I was more bothered by was not their clothes per se but the fact that my husband didn't feel bad about it..


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

Aburjwal said:


> Thanks for your replies. I think what I was more bothered by was not their clothes per se but the fact that my husband didn't feel bad about it..


Why does he not feel bad about it? Is it because he doesn't feel that he can do anything about it so decides instead on focusing on something he can work on like the marriage? Is it something else?

First, you need to find out why he doesn't feel bad about it. Then you need to communicate with him why he should feel bad about it. Also, beware of people who just don't express their feelings. For example, your husband might feel bad about it but just doesn't express it well to you. You need to communicate to him how he can show you that he feels bad about it. For example, should he call those relatives in your presence and tell them that what they did hurt you? Should he express his anger in a different way? Without communicating this to him, he might not understand what it is you want or need or how he should respond.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Aburjwal said:


> I think what I was more bothered by was not their clothes per se but the fact that my husband didn't feel bad about it..


Again, wrong thinking on your part. Why? Because you think your husband should take the same stance/feel the way you do. He doesn't, so he's wrong. This boils down to the old my-way-of-seeing-this-is-right-your-way-of-seeing-this-is-wrong type of thing. Your husband is an individual with his own unique perspective. You are going to encounter lots of things upon which the two of you disagree. Doesn't mean one of you is right and the other is wrong.

Something to consider ...


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

WAY over reacting.

and i see this as trouble two fold.....first you are twisted up enough about what someone wore to your wedding (not everyone dresses to YOUR standards) and even bigger....this caused a FIGHT between you and your husband.

i can only imagine how horrific you must be to deal with if something happens that your husband does have control over and you don't like the way it went down.

get over yourself.

sorry if that seems rude or blunt.....just hoping it will sink in. 

good luck.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Machjo said:


> I think all you can do now is learn from this experience. For any future event, don't assume that people know how to dress. Whenever you expect your guests to dress a certain way in the future, ensure that you specify it next time. Consider cultural norms too. In some cultures, the marriage is a highly ritualized process that lasts twenty or so minutes or even longer, and that's just the formal ceremony part. In others, it's a simple formality that might last a few seconds when they recite a particular prayer for example and it's done.
> 
> Just a note for the future to be careful not to assume. When something is important to you, you'll need to specify it.


You're right. I should not have assumed anything. Will keep it in mind for the future


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

A piece of advice for young newlyweds - don't sweat the small stuff. And it's small stuff because not one thing can be done to *change* it. 

You need to respect the fact that just like you, he *also* has an opinion of his own and he shouldn't be made to have to defend it just because it's different from yours. Quite honestly, it's downright childish and selfish to argue with him just because he doesn't see the world the exact same way you do.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

karole said:


> If you had wanted guests to wear a specific attire, you should have indicated it on the invitations. Otherwise, let it go. The wedding is over, so there is no need in arguing over something you can do nothing about.


This was precisely what I was going to ask - did you request specific attire?

If not, anything goes.

It's early days for you yet, but one thing you'll learn is to pick your battles wisely.

This is not a wise battle. You're projecting your values onto others. Stop it or you'll find 1000s of other "little" things you dislike.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

but have our differences more of which I am discovering slowly. ............... he is discovering you are shallow


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> Thanks for your replies. I think what I was more bothered by was not their clothes per se but the fact that my husband didn't feel bad about it..


Why should he feel bad about it? He, nor you, can control how other people dress. Was everyone supposed to take pictures of their outfits and send them to you for approval prior to the wedding? That's just insane. 

This was a dumb fight to pick and you owe him an apology. 

Pick your battles.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> but have our differences more of which I am discovering slowly. ............... he is discovering you are shallow


Hello, I understand I was wrong and do admit my mistake. I came on this forum to get some perspective and advice, not to be judged or bashed. I doubt people will want to be honest about their marriage issues here if this is what they're going to get. Thanks.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Aburjwal said:


> Thanks for your replies. I think what I was more bothered by was not their clothes per se but the fact that my husband didn't feel bad about it..


Your H is not going to feel bad about everything you feel bad about. Your H will not like all the things you like. Your H will not dislike all the things you dislike. This is what makes us individuals.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I won't join in the bashing as I understand completely.

To me, a wedding is a formal event and attendees should dress accordingly, and I come from a pretty ******* background myself, so I can't imagine a background where this wouldn't be known. That said, just because I can't imagine it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. 

As far as hanging this on your hubby goes, ask yourself this. Are any of these subpar dressers playing a major role in your life? If so, is their low-class behavior a problem? If so, Is your husband supporting them at your expense? If not, then this really should have no impact on your marriage or how you relate to your husband. Let it go.

I understand also the desire for the wedding album to be something you want to enjoy for years after the wedding, and a bunch of folks who look like they just came from the gym being in the pictures can distract from that. Maybe you could rearrange the album so that all the pics with the bad clothes are at the back and you could focus on the pics of just you and your husband/the wedding party, etc.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I won't join in the bashing as I understand completely.
> 
> To me, a wedding is a formal event and attendees should dress accordingly, and I come from a pretty ******* background myself, so I can't imagine a background where this wouldn't be known. That said, just because I can't imagine it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for not bashing. I didn't think people would be so judgmental on a marriage support forum - a place where you can admit your issues openly and seek help. I suppose everyone here has perfect marriages. 

And yes, you are right. They don't play a major role in my life and I should let it go. Thankyou for understanding.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

It helps to not have thin skin around here. People can be pretty direct. But even when they sound harsh, most really are trying to help. We all fail in the tact department from time to time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well I personally think its rude to turn up at a wedding dressed so badly, and I have never seen it happen as yet, but he probably feels defensive because they are his family.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Aburjwal said:


> Thanks for your replies. I think what I was more bothered by was not their clothes per se but the fact that my husband didn't feel bad about it..


Why should he feel bad about what other people wore? Sounds like a healthy attitude to me.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I also think it's important to note- did these people show up in that particular attire because they simply did not care to dress for the occasion, or was this the nicest they already owned? Some families are not fortunate enough to be able to buy an outfit for a special occasion. 

Either way, your husband cannot go back and change the past, so he probably feels it's pointless to expend the energy on getting worked up over it now.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

I'm going to be the queen of unpopularity on this forum. 

QUESTION BY OP: "Am I overreacting?"
MY ANSWER: YES

Why are you trying to control what other people do? More importantly, why are you visiting the past and trying to control what people did then?

1.
"They were all wearing sports shoes, jeans, t shirts and sports jackets.." 
- So what? They showed up to celebrate your glorious day and now you judge them? They're sporty people, big deal? If I were friends with you and you told me this, I'd start wondering whether I dressed "appropriately" enough for you and eventually it wouldn't be worth spending time with you and that would be your loss because, like most people, I'm a lovely person.
- If you had a dress code, then state it. Very unfair to ask people to read YOUR mind on how THEY should dress themselves.
BOTTOM LINE: You don't have to like what people do, but it serves the entire community better (including your marriage) if you respect them and their choices.

2.
"But my husband didn't seem to care and didn't think it was a big deal. He said he had never cared about other people's appearances and he didnt think it was rude of them to do that. We had quite an argument about it."
- So now your husband has to think like you think? He has to absorb your values so that YOU can feel better?
BOTTOM LINE: Ditto #1.

SOME COMPASSION:
When we do this sort of nitpicking, it's because we're not feeling good in the moment. One day jeans and t shirts at a wedding is the last thing from your mind and the next they're driving you batsh*t crazy. We've all been there!

PRO TIP FROM SOMEONE WHO CAME OUT THE OTHER SIDE:
Go do something lovely for yourself. Even just for five minutes. Do this three times a day. Small things. You say you don't have time, but you do. You could do it instead of posting about things you can't control. You'll feel better and you'll spread joy to all those around you. What a wonderful world it will be with you in it!

TLDR:
People who feel good about themselves don't worry about what others are doing. Go do something that makes you feel good.

With love from someone who's been there.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Yes, I would say that you're overreacting. I understand where you're coming from: you spend a good chunk of money on a fancy wedding, and you want guests to respect that. Some people just don't or they don't care. Was it an outdoor wedding? That would be different, as it makes the event naturally seem more casual. I do get it, but it's in the past, and there's nothing you can do about it. I would say that as long as yourself, your groom, your bridal party and immediate family (who would be in a lot of the photos) were dressed up, all is well!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Overreacting. Have you apologised to your husband? I think you should.
@MrsHolland i had to google bogan although I had a pretty good idea of what you meant. Here in the US, we have a myriad of terms for people like that, but they are not as nice as Bogan.:grin2:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You need to realize that everyone is not the same. 

I have a portion of my family that I would consider kind of red neck. They live in a very small rural town. They don't own suits and ties. If you go to a wedding or funeral there, many people are dressed in jeans and tee shirts. Just the way it is. 

We have been to weddings where 90% of the people are dressed in suits and dresses. But this portion of the family still wears jeans and tee shirts. I understand their attitude. They don't care what others think. Their opinion is, why would I spend $300 on a suit that I am going to wear once. 

To be honest, this group of my family is the most fun. They are also the most caring. They would do anything for anyone. Just real, genuine, down to earth people. 

I grew up in the same small town, but moved to the city 30 years ago. 

I am guessing your husband doesn't feel the same way as you, because he knows and understands these people.


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