# Question about a comment my ex? gf? made



## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Ladies,

To shed a little back story on what transpired. 2 weeks ago I scheduled a sit down with a real estate agent to see a few homes that my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years and I are interested in viewing. Last week, my girlfriend informed me that we were going to couple's game night the Friday prior to us meeting the real estate agent. Awesome! I tell her I'm game for it and I go into this having an expectation of not staying out terribly late since we were to meet the agent at 10am the next morning.

Fast forward to game night, we're having a pretty good time. 12pam rolls around and no big deal. 1am rolls around and I'm getting ansi since we have a 30 minute drive to get home. Finally, at 2:30 we're home. Approx. 7 1/2 hours til we're scheduled to meet the agent. We're in bed by 3 am after a disagreement(I just passed out - I was not drinking.) 

8:30am rolls around and she comes out of the bedroom and asks me what we're going to do. I told her I do not know at this point because none of the kids are awake and she's not doing anything to start the day. 9:00am rolls around and I find her asleep in the bed. I nudge her and ask her if she wants me to call this lady to cancel the appt. She didn't say anything and rolled over. I left it alone and at 9:10am I called the agent and cancelled, citing some personal issues that arose.

(I don't know if it's a pattern but this is not the first time we've got into a fight prior to seeing homes.) Is it possible, she's fighting that notion of moving forward? Just a thought.

Well, she comes from the bedroom again and asks me whats wrong while I'm standing in the kitchen. I informed her, in a very loud voice, that I was pissed because I had to lie to this lady about some personal problem that's preventing us from going. I told my GF I was upset because I do not like wasting people's time and energy for me if I'm not going to follow through on my end. I yelled this at her. There is no denying that. She walked away, packed up and left to her house.

One issue I have with her walking away from me is that I feel like there's a double standard. That double standard being that I'm not allowed to walk away(I could cite a time about 2 months prior to this when I did try walking away from an abusive conversation only to be told not to ever return if I leave.) So already, I find myself in a tough position. 

The other issue I also have is that after a few heated conversations and normal conversations, the last words her and i have shared have been reduced to me asking her, "Are you giving up on trying with me?" 

This question followed when I told her to call and set up a counseling session. She informed me that she really didn't want to do that. In the past, we've booked sessions but either forgot or did not make it a priority to go. Both guilty parties here. We've managed to make it to one session in which I spoke about 95% of the time and I again went back by myself in hopes of gaining more help/insight. She has never been back.

To which she responds, " Yes, because I love you."

Can someone please help me and how I'm to navigate the double standard? Do as I say and not as I do mentality, per se? I've found myself here often, and now I'm at the point where I'm questioning myself if it's even worth the hassle anymore.

The second part that confuses me is her comment of how she is giving up on me because she loves me. To me it appears to be a way to void herself of any responsibility. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not. I'm hoping this will be able to help shed some light. 

There are more issues than this, but at this point this is where I'm at with her.

I am going on 32 and she turned 24 in Feb to give you an age reference.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Sounds to me like you need to work on calmly communicating what you're thinking and feeling in the moment rather than silently stewing and then blowing up.

What was the 3 am disagreement about? 

When she asked you what you were going to do at 8:30am, why did you say you didn't know? You knew perfectly well that you wanted to go see the realtor. Why didn't you say "let's get the kids up, get ready and go to our appointment." You didn't say that, you acted like you didn't want to keep your appointment and then you got mad at your gf for acting like she didn't want to go. You gave her cues, and she acted accordingly... then you got angry that she didn't magically know that you weren't saying what you really meant.

You then proceeded to blame your gf from your choice to lie to the realtor. Your gf didn't ask you to do that. You made that choice. You could have just told your gf "hey, get up, let's go visit the realtor, our appointment is at 10." You could have gone by yourself. You could have told the realtor the truth "hey, really sorry, but we stayed up too late last night and we're just not going to make it at 10, can we reschedule?" You made the choice to cancel the appointment. You can't blame your gf for that.

Honestly, I would probably have walked away too. You were being unreasonable.

It seems to me like you're expecting her to read your mind instead of stating plainly what you need/want. 

If there's a double standard going on, from what I can tell, it's that you expect your girlfriend to know what you mean, not what you you say.

As far as understanding what she meant by "yes, because I love you".... we can all speculate but the only one who knows what she meant by that is her. You need to ask her for clarification.


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## lynn-23 (Jul 28, 2014)

I think your first impression is correct: she is not ready to move forward and is "sabotaging" the real estate issue. She is still pretty young, so thats not that surprising. But from the conversations/arguments/walking-out episodes you have mentioned, it sounds like she isn't very emotionally mature. You need to figure out what you want to do about that. She needs to mature before you get involved further. You can either wait for her to mature, or move on. You certainly should not even consider buying a home with her right now, lest she walk out and leave you with a mortgage you can't pay. You need to tell her you two need to have a serious conversation about the future. No yelling. If she can't/won't do that, then you have your answer. Move on.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Nynaeve said:


> Sounds to me like you need to work on calmly communicating what you're thinking and feeling in the moment rather than silently stewing and then blowing up.
> 
> _I let it fester overnight and ultimately, the more I thought about it after your post, I was exhibiting passive aggressive behavior because I was upset that I did not get to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. Prior to the meeting with the real estate agent, I wanted to change the fender on her truck and install a hitch since we going camping this week(which got rained out by the way)_
> 
> ...



I do like your point of view on the matter. Reading responses helps me understand various view points that I often forget exist.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

lynn-23 said:


> I think your first impression is correct: she is not ready to move forward and is "sabotaging" the real estate issue. She is still pretty young, so thats not that surprising. But from the conversations/arguments/walking-out episodes you have mentioned, it sounds like she isn't very emotionally mature. You need to figure out what you want to do about that. She needs to mature before you get involved further. You can either wait for her to mature, or move on. You certainly should not even consider buying a home with her right now, lest she walk out and leave you with a mortgage you can't pay. You need to tell her you two need to have a serious conversation about the future. No yelling. If she can't/won't do that, then you have your answer. Move on.



I have often wondered that if I stopped pushing forward, what would happen? I question this myself because I typically plan and execute most of the major decisions. I have noted it before, that I'd like to her take the wheel sometimes and ultimately make decisions and I just go with them. This is due to constistently being in a leadership role at work. I do not mind making and executing decisions, but there are times when I just want to be a follower.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

If things were going well, then 3 am rolls around with a dispute so to 

speak, then I would say that could be part of the reasoning why she 

avoided answering your question about cancelling. 

I seen you had posted about her possibly being afraid to move forward.

I cant see why, unless things are heavily unsettled between you two. 
Which I notice you also mentioned about counseling.

Part of you possibly wanted to cancel as well, because you didn't fight to keep the appointment.
I can see how stress would make you pull out. Reasonably.

Is it possible on your part that you are struggling to move forward as well? 

P.S... I have yelled so much. It doesn't work. It creates hostility, discomfort, and withdrawal. This is something I am still WORKING on. 
It can be difficult to turn off, when feeling like it is the only way YOU are "getting through", or so you think! 

What things make you two compatible?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

texasoutlaw82 said:


> Well, she comes from the bedroom again and asks me whats wrong while I'm standing in the kitchen. I informed her, in a very loud voice, that I was pissed because I had to lie to this lady about some personal problem that's preventing us from going. I told my GF I was upset because I do not like wasting people's time and energy for me if I'm not going to follow through on my end. I yelled this at her. There is no denying that. She walked away, packed up and left to her house.


I would have walked away from you too with the message to never call me again. And, I can understand her being reluctant to purchase a house with you. No way would I give up my own place of independence knowing how you are. Additionally, I would wonder why you want us to buy a house so badly without marrying me first. You're not offering any security, only your own convenience. Plus, you mentioned children. It sounds like something that happens all too often, which is for a guy to want a ready-made suzy homemaker to help him (or rather take over for him) with his kids. I say that because you mentioned kids and said she "walked away, packed up and left to her house" which doesn't sound like she took children with her. So, forgive me if I'm guessing wrongly that the children aren't hers. And, more than just that, but you having children is a whole different ball game. Speaking of the children, why didn't YOU get them up to start the day instead of waiting for her to do it?

It sounds to me like you have no concern for what your girl wants or how she feels. You only care about what you want. Even your request that she take the lead sometimes was a direct request as something you would like her to do, and not if it's something she would like to do. You're too bossy, and you both have some maturing to do, not just your girl as someone else stated. You both need better communication skills, too. You both need couples counseling and even if she refuses to go, you still should to better yourself, or you'll continue to have these problems in future relationships. I do have to wonder what went on during the session that she refused to go back. I hope I imagine wrong to think you did all or most of the talking.

It might be a double standard for her to walk away but won't let you walk away. It's something people do when affronted agregiously and aggressively. If you went off on me like you did her, you wouldn't have to tell me not to come back because I never would. And, on that note, she might be done with you. I sure do hope so. At least until you can get your act together and learn how to treat a woman.

If she does come back, try sitting down and talking to her. Ask her what she wants and let her know it's okay not to answer if she's not certain of what she wants. Tell her she can take her time to think about it.

Also, if the kids are yours or if you both have children, ask her how she feels about the relationship with regard to the children. Ask her if she feels supported by you. Ask her if she feels like you place too much pressure on her. Ask her if she feels you take her for granted for babysitting and household responsibilities for your kids. Ask her if she feels appreciated. make her comfortable enough to be completely honest with you.

Lots of stepmoms feel unappreciated, unsupported, and used by their husband/boyfriend who has children. His kids misbehave, and he does nothing about it but blames her. His kids are disrespectful to her, and he does nothing about but blames her. If this sounds anything like your relationship and your household, then she'd be crazy to buy a house with you, or marry you, or even remain your girlfriend because it is degrading to these women.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

bkaydezz said:


> If things were going well, then 3 am rolls around with a dispute so to
> 
> speak, then I would say that could be part of the reasoning why she
> 
> ...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

texasoutlaw82 said:


> I am going on 32 and she turned 24 in Feb to give you an age reference.



she's 24 but has not grown up yet.

Given that she's not reliable, do you really want to co-own a house with her?


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> I would have walked away from you too with the message to never call me again. And, I can understand her being reluctant to purchase a house with you. No way would I give up my own place of independence knowing how you are.
> 
> _Quick to pass judgment on someone based on one post I see. I was simply trying to paint a picture with the hopes of garnering advice.
> 
> ...


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

aug said:


> she's 24 but has not grown up yet.
> 
> Given that she's not reliable, do you really want to co-own a house with her?


At this point in time, that answer is now no. I think I've fooled myself into thinking she is someone else rather than the person she is. I could not tell you where this thought stems from at this point in time. 

I believe the statement that she's not grown up yet applies well here.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It's totally obvious that she is not interested in moving forward with you. 

If you stop pushing for it, nothing will happen, because you are the only one who really wants it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First thing is first. Under NO circumstances get into a home with another party, that you are not married with. EVER. Don't even think about it (trust me).

2nd, Noticed you said that you expected her to get the kids ready that morning, yet you took no action to do it yourself. Why?

3rd, the way you spoke to her was wrong. No need to yell and be like that. Even if she does it to you, 2 wrongs don't make a right. Be kind and nice, it's MORE important than being RIGHT. I would apologize for that and also start finding a way to communicate like an adult with your partner. If you want to be treated right, you have to treat her right as well.

4th, you said it's a one way street with her. Bravo for identifying this issue. Now, take advice from #3 and TALK to her about this. Tell her how you feel about it and that it's not fair. Clearly you guys have no fighting rule (which I would suggest you to create and go by) and when you do argue, balance it tipped towards her (not good). You both need to learn how to have an adult conversation and talk to each other without arguing/drama or anger. Smile, no swearing etc. List YOU 2 need to come up with.

I would call her and apologize to her for what you did wrong and see what she says at that point. Chances are that she really couldn't even hear what you were saying as your anger/attitude just overshadowed everything. Ask her if you 2 can talk in person and follow above. If she refuses or shows 0 interest in improving/communicating or working on this relationship I would suggest you take her up on what she said and move on. 

And by moving on I mean block ALL her contacts. It will take you good 6 months to a year to recover (during which time I would tell you to stay away from dating/females). Remember, ANY contact = reset of your healing timeline.

When you are completely over her, start dating again.

Good luck, I hope you 2 can work it out and get your communications under control and making progress in your relationship.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

One piece of advice. Before you go into debt by buying that house, I would make sure that she's on board 100%. If not don't buy because you'll wind up selling or losing it. 

It's a huge investment and if things are shaky, then either fix the problem or get out of it but don't buy the house until you fix your relationship.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

the two of you have to work on your ability to argue a point without the argument turning nasty or into a fight. That is one of the keys to a long happy relationship


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

6301 said:


> One piece of advice. Before you go into debt by buying that house, I would make sure that she's on board 100%. If not don't buy because you'll wind up selling or losing it.
> 
> It's a huge investment and if things are shaky, then either fix the problem or get out of it but don't buy the house until you fix your relationship.


Also do NOT proceed without having good equity (I recommend 20% down).


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

DoF said:


> First thing is first. Under NO circumstances get into a home with another party, that you are not married with. EVER. Don't even think about it (trust me).
> 
> 2nd, Noticed you said that you expected her to get the kids ready that morning, yet you took no action to do it yourself. Why?
> 
> ...


I do appreciate the input and effort. Thank you.


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