# Am I as annoying as he thinks?



## amIannoying (Feb 16, 2013)

I am a bad person, I have hit my husband. He ends up criticizing me and now matter how hard I beg him to stop he doesn't and I snap. I know you should never lay your hands on someone. I just want to know am I as unlikeable as he thinks. This morning, we woke up in the one couple cabin we rented for Valentine's day weekend. I didn't sleep well, he kept turning on lights and pulling sheets, but I know he has insomnia. Around 8:45 this morning I was cleaning the dishes and kitchen and he jumped up and said, "are you ready to go now"? I asked if he was annoyed at me and said "I was banging around like a damn fool!". I really was trying to be quiet, and he always tends to be a little critical. Am I being "hypersensitive" as he describes or am I really just annoying? Thank you for anyone who read this!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right that you should not ever hit him. You have to stop that. When he's being mean to you, you need to just walk away. When you hit him, he gets to take the high ground. When you walk away and stay calm, then you make the point that you will not stay around a mean person who belittles you. Walking away and saying nothing except "I won't stay and listen to this nonsense." give you the high ground and shuts him up.

Your example from this morning does not sound all that bad. It sounds like the two of you are sleep deprived and thus cranky. He sounds especially cranky.

Can you give examples of the 2 or 3 worst things that he has said to you?

How long have the two of you been married?


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

From someone who is an insomniac, hearing dishes banging at 8 am is annoying. But if asked my SO, he'd say I'm the annoying one for having insomnia and not being productive at 8 am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you irritated and tired alot? Even tho you get your sleep? Get your sugar checked. I remember being so dang tired and irritated all the time. Found out I have a problem with low blood sugar. You may wanna talk to your doctor about running some other blood work too, try and rule things out. When I am "moody or crabby" I don't even know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

We are probably going to need more information on your relationship. Heck, one of the first red flags I recognized when my estranged husband began cheating on me was how critical he was. After more than 20 years together, even the most insignificant things I did annoyed him. It was almost as though a light switch had been flipped.


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## amIannoying (Feb 16, 2013)

Elegirl, some of our worst. He locked me out the house when it was snowing once without a coat or keys. He wouldn't let me back in for about 30 mins. I begged him through the mail slot to get my purse and keys. He let me in to get them and then literally kicked me out of the house. I stayed at a hotel that night. He constantly drinks and stays out all night, last week he came home at 5 AM and got mad at me because I was upset that he wasn't home. I was on the phone with his mom once discussing our problems, he charged me and had me against wall and ripped the phone out my hand. She was very worried, but I was told I can't talk to her or his sisters anymore. I clean and cook, but am told constantly that I am lazy, despite the fact that I do all this after working my full time job at a bank. Basically, I just try to not set him off, and I am now starting to think that I am as annoying as he thinks I am. No one innocent would have their spouse be mad at them like this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

amIannoying said:


> He constantly drinks and stays out all night, last week he came home at 5 AM and got mad at me because I was upset that he wasn't home. I was on the phone with his mom once discussing our problems, he charged me and had me against wall and ripped the phone out my hand.


Waaaayyyyy too much drama going on. Your husband "constantly" drinks? Is he an alcoholic? Neither one of you should be getting physical. It sounds like you push each other's buttons and things get out of control. 

One thing I learned: never, ever attempt to argue or discuss an issue with a drunk. You end up p!ssing off the drunk and resolving nothing.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like both of you have set up a very unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Have either of you considered separating?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amIannoying said:


> Elegirl, some of our worst.
> He locked me out the house when it was snowing once without a coat or keys. He wouldn't let me back in for about 30 mins. I begged him through the mail slot to get my purse and keys. He let me in to get them and then literally kicked me out of the house. I stayed at a hotel that night.


You probably should have filed for divorce after this. You could have called the police as this is spousal abuse. They would have kicked him out of the house and/or arrested him. You would have been back in your house.

What did you do that led him to lock you out? I’m not suggesting that this as a rational reaction to anything you did. I just want to know how HE justified it.



amIannoying said:


> He constantly drinks and stays out all night, last week he came home at 5 AM and got mad at me because I was upset that he wasn't home.


Where does he go when he does this? Who is he with? I would not accept this at all. Another point for divorcing him.



amIannoying said:


> I was on the phone with his mom once discussing our problems, he charged me and had me against wall and ripped the phone out my hand. She was very worried, but I was told I can't talk to her or his sisters anymore.


Generally I do not think it’s wise to discuss marital issues with your husband’s family. However he sounds abusive so you do need some kind of support. Going to counseling at a domestic abuse center make sense for you.

Do you still speak to his mother and sister?

He attacked you physically. This is unacceptable. He can dislike the things you do all he wants. He has no right to push you around and rip the phone out of your hand.


amIannoying said:


> I clean and cook, but am told constantly that I am lazy, despite the fact that I do all this after working my full time job at a bank.


Clearly you are not lazy. How much does he help with cooking and housework?


amIannoying said:


> Basically, I just try to not set him off, and I am now starting to think that I am as annoying as he thinks I am. No one innocent would have their spouse be mad at them like this.


His anger has nothing to do with you. He’s an anger person and he’s taking it out on you. Please look up the “Cycle of Abuse”. You need to learn to understand what’s going on. Once you realize that he acts like this because there is something wrong with HIM, yourself image will improve. 
You need to get counseling. 

If he ever hits you, pushes you around, etc again then please call the police, get a restraining order and divorce him. Abuse escalates over time. It will escalate if you stand up to him because he will need to be more abusive to put you back in your place. He has you walking on egg shells afraid of him. That’s how he wants you to feel all that time. It gives him complete control over you. 

Do you have family and friends that you see? Or are you basically isolated with him?


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Does not matter if you're annoying or not. His behavior is intolerable. He's not picking at you, he is abusing you. I'd venture he's not the first person to do so? The last line is classic abused thinking.

"No one innocent would have their spouse be mad at them like this."


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Do you have anywhere you can go since you are being abused?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Look at it this way. The relationship isn't a great one, and it involves physical violence and harm. You can solve the relationship issue without assigning blame to anyone, by ending the relationship. My guess is that given someone who can communicate well and control himself, you would do well in a different relationship. The issue is, getting yourself psychologically rehab'd enough to be able to choose such a relationship. BTDT. Decided I was a sucker for punishment, and it was no way to live my life, and left. Afterwards I realized I was probably addicted to the o-c thing of trying for perfection, and also somewhat addicted to the adrenaline rush and the endorphins that follow it. Been off the wagon for some time now. Had a taste of it in a brief relationship recently, it was bitter. The physical violence wasn't so overt, but it was there, and it was life threatening.

The only thing truly annoying about you is that you seem to lack perspective about staying with someone who is such a criminally abusive person. What part about being locked out or smashed up against the wall do you find yourself so much to blame for ? Don't you think if you were being annoying he could, as an adult, find a way to discuss solutions that would work for both of you, or he could remove himself from the situation prior to violence.


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## amIannoying (Feb 16, 2013)

So when he locked me out of the house he was picking at me, telling me I wasn't good enough, I was annoying, etc. I snapped and called him "white trash" and went outside to smoke. That is when he locked me out. This is not the first time I have had someone talk to me this way, but this is the first time I agree with them. I just went downstairs and crossed in front of the tv and apologized. He told me to stop apologizing for everything. I know it annoys him, but I also know that I can annoy him pretty easily, so I try to avoid a fight. I think that maybe it is me. I just can't fight anymore. When he is happy with me it is like being perfect, I feel so good. But when he is mad or annoyed with me, I have this painful drowning feeling in the pit of my chest. I have to hid the fact that I am crying, and I know I am hypersensitive, but I am getting better about not showing emotion. I don't want to lose him.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

That doesn't sound hypersensitive it like sounds hypervigilance (my mum and I had this as my dad was emotionally abusive)


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

am I annoying can you tell us the times you hit your husband. To be fair you told us his worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

amIannoying said:


> When he is happy with me it is like being perfect, I feel so good. But when he is mad or annoyed with me, I have this painful drowning feeling in the pit of my chest.


So whether or not you feel good hinges on his moods? Maybe you don't realize it at this point, but you do not have the power to make him unhappy or happy. His reactions are his to own. How he behaves is something he, and he alone, owns.

I could be wrong, but this sounds like the classic alcoholic-codependent relationship. 

And you haven't said whether or not you think he is an alcoholic.


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## amIannoying (Feb 16, 2013)

I hit him after he charged me while I was on the phone with his mother. I hit him about 3 times prior to that one, which is the last time. I seem to block out stuff, I will get back when I remember. I went downstairs because he asked me too. It is kind of funny, he cried at a 60 minutes about NFL films. It is probably me, but I was upset that he cried over a father losing his son, but he sees his wife said and he provides sarcasm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> am I annoying can you tell us the times you hit your husband. To be fair you told us his worst.


She did tell one of them...



amIannoying said:


> *So when he locked me out of the house he was picking at me, telling me I wasn't good enough, I was annoying, etc. I snapped and called him "white trash" and went outside to smoke. * That is when he locked me out. This is not the first time I have had someone talk to me this way, but this is the first time I agree with them. I just went downstairs and crossed in front of the tv and apologized. He told me to stop apologizing for everything. I know it annoys him, but I also know that I can annoy him pretty easily, so I try to avoid a fight. I think that maybe it is me. I just can't fight anymore. When he is happy with me it is like being perfect, I feel so good. But when he is mad or annoyed with me, I have this painful drowning feeling in the pit of my chest. I have to hid the fact that I am crying, and I know I am hypersensitive, but I am getting better about not showing emotion. I don't want to lose him.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She did tell one of them...


EleGirl that doesn't describe physical altercation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> EleGirl that doesn't describe physical altercation.


You asked for examples of times when she hit him. She said that she slapped (hit) him one time when he was picking on her, telling her that she was not good enough, and that she was annoying.

That is a physcal altercation. A slap counts doesn't it?

She gave another example above.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You asked for examples of times when she hit him. She said that she slapped (hit) him one time when he was picking on her, telling her that she was not good enough, and that she was annoying.
> 
> That is a physcal altercation. A slap counts doesn't it?
> 
> She gave another example above.


Elle..I think I read she "snapped" at him and called him white trash.But she has now since given examples of hitting him.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

How annoying you are to your husband is a matter of HIS opinion.Another person might find you very pleasant and not annoying at all or "rarely" annoying.However this is beyond IMHO your husband "thinking" you are annoying and regardless of how annoying he finds you the dynamics the way you describe are toxic .

If you are "that annoying" that you have to walk on eggshells for him constantly worried about "annoying him" then at the very least you are mismatched.At the worst he is an "abuser" who would be abusing or attempting to whomever he was with if he could get away with it justifying it by saying "they annoy him".


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. From what I have read you are in a very complex relationship situation. I believe you and your husband need outside support or therapy to assess and work through your difficulties. It maybe best to consider some individual counselling if your husband will not attend. Because you are in violent relationship perhaps a therapist that specializes in domestic violence would be best. 

It sounds like this relatioship has had a negative impact on how you feel about yourself. Your, "bad behaviour" does not make you a bad person, but does indicate you are not coping well in a stressful envrionment and need to get some help. Asking for help, is of course, never a sign of weakness but one of courage. In the intrim it is important to keep yourself safe.


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