# Really need a female perspective



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

So my wife and I have been married 15 plus years and have been going a rough time the past few months. I ignored her and was inconsiderate towards her for many years. I finally understood the errors of my ways and have made a complete change. I know pull my weight around the house, respect her wishes, spend time sitting next to her instead of watching sports, etc. She has said she is not sure what she wants though and I pretty much assumed she is doing all this for our kids sake, not because she really wants to be with me.

Since this has happened she has actually questioning if she wants to be with me. We now act like friends, she is uncomfortable with any physical contact. Lately is has gotten better, we are getting along well with the kids. She says she loves me and tries to get along. 

Anyway, last night we were in bed and neither of us could sleep. We have not made love for a couple months and I have not tried. So we are laying there and she says we should try to make love. I said no at first, I actually said we are not ready. But she insisted and of course I wanted to so we did. It seemed to go well, very close but all of the sudden she started crying and we finished. She laid there crying. We got up and went out to smoke and she apologized and said it was to soon. She asked me two times if the condom had a hole in it, she was scared to death it did.

I want to understand but I'm very confused. I feel like someone she had an affair with and immediately regretted it. I also feel like she is terrified to have another child of mine. I'm not sure what to make of this reaction of hers and I admit I don't understand women all that well. This morning she did not say anything and was nice, told me she loved me a couple times when leaving for work. Asked if I was mad at her but we did not talk about last night. 

My gut says this is all bad but I could really use a woman's opinion?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You guys need to sit down today and TALK. Don't let this mutate into something worse. 
Tell her you realize you were "inconsiderate towards her for man years." List out the ays and tell her you are committed to not repeating that behavior.
If she started crying after sex, something is up. It may be she feels an emotional disconnect from you or something else. 
Talk to eachother. Get marriage counselling together.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

she basically insisted that you make love, then regrets it afterward or at least something was eating at her. weird


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So the only birth control is a condom ....

It sounds like she is afraid she could get pregnant by you and that that would mess up her plans.

I agree also that she may feel she is cheating on someone else.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

It sounds like to me her emotions could be extremely conflicted right now. Perhaps there is a part of her really wants the marriage to work (for whatever reason - maybe its only the kids right now). Another part of her could be scared and does not trust that the changes you have made are going to last. Thus the issue with being afraid of getting pregnant may only be the fear she has that the marriage will not work out in the end. I think having sex with you probably just brought the conflict of her emotions to the surface. 

I think you should talk with her and not ignore what happened. Ask her what she was feeling and just listen, don't provide excuses or solutions to anything she says. Be as understanding as you possibly can. Reinforce your love and commitment to her and tell her you will give her all the time she needs and that you will continue to work on earning her trust back. Let her express her feelings that she felt and just listen. 

Perhaps, down the road awhile, once she feels you are sincere and the changes you are making are for real and not just temporary, she will be able to relax and re-build her love for you. It will take a lot of time, but hopefully with patience you both can find the marriage you want to have.

I also agree marriage counseling is a good ideal - if you are not getting some and can afford it, you may want to look into it.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

mary35 said:


> It sounds like to me her emotions could be extremely conflicted right now. Perhaps there is a part of her really wants the marriage to work (for whatever reason - maybe its only the kids right now). Another part of her could be scared and does not trust that the changes you have made are going to last. Thus the issue with being afraid of getting pregnant may only be the fear she has that the marriage will not work out in the end. I think having sex with you probably just brought the conflict of her emotions to the surface.
> 
> I think you should talk with her and not ignore what happened. Ask her what she was feeling and just listen, don't provide excuses or solutions to anything she says. Be as understanding as you possibly can. Reinforce your love and commitment to her and tell her you will give her all the time she needs and that you will continue to work on earning her trust back. Let her express her feelings that she felt and just listen.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Absolutely!


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I do not think she is having an affair. She works full time and has a stressful job but we are together all the time. One weird thing that has developed his her relationship with her sister overseas. They talk non stop and my wife is really obsessed with her. The first thing she does when she wakes up is call her or ask if she has called. She carries her phone everywhere in case she emails she will know. 

My wife is from another country but has lived in the US for the past 15 years. She is desperate, and I mean desperate to move back to where she is from. To the point where it has totally consumed her. Unfortuantely, there are no work opportunities for me there. We both make very good money but my work is very limited with where I can go. My kids do not want to go either. In any case, she is going through a mid life crises and re-examining everything about her life. I am being supportive and understanding, she knows I have changed and even admitted it and says I am trying very hard.

I guess that reaction last night just really was unexpected and scared me. We kissed, which she has not wanted to do with me for a long time, and it seemed everything was good. Her crying was a first and really made me feel like an ass.

I'm gonna tell he we need to just slow down and become friends again first. She is trying very hard to change how she feels. She wants it to be good but her anxiety and depression are now allowing her to do that. My fear is she may never have those types of feeling for me again though.

I agree Entropy that the fear of getting pregant is aout her plans being messed up. She wants to move that makes sense.

Thanks for the responses, sounds like I am not missing some pure female emotional response.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

could menopause be a factor? emotions run wild


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

39 to early for that?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

some women cry when they have a very emotional close type of orgasm.

bmaybe you could build on that.and try to make love again soon.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

lol true, but N/A in this case


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