# I want children but husband doesn't



## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Hello all, newbie here. I will get straight on with it.

I want children but my husband doesn't. I'm 30, he's 33, we've been together 7 years and married for almost 2 of these. Shortly after his father's death he proposed and at the time we both wanted children. Then, understandably, his father's death began to have a big impact on my husband's view of life. He changed his career and focused more on living in the present, and also decided he didn't want children. I knew this before the wedding came round (2 year engagement period) but was also feeling similar to him at the time.

It's now almost 2 years later and I'm beginning to feel like I want children again, I don't like the thought of my future without them as it feels empty, and the benefits of not having children are not as strong as they were, to the point where I wonder if I just allowed myself to hide those wants at the time we were getting married in the hopes he'd change...

My husband can only tell me he doesn't want children *now*, but can't imagine having them in the future. I don't want to divorce him because he is lovely in all other aspects of our relationship (pretty much), but I also don't want to end up feeling trapped and resenting him due to it being too late. Help!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This topic comes up from time to time. 

You can't know. And that is what you would need to decide if you can live with.

I have a friend who didn't want children. Nor as his group of friends and knowing his lifestyle, did we believe he should have them. His wife at the time made the presumption that he would eventually "come around". He didn't.

They ended a seven year marriage.

He remarried two years later at age 41. And at age 50, he now has 4 kids.

His ex-wife whom divorced him because he didn't want kids? Subsequently discovered that she CAN'T have kids.

Life is full of cruel ironies.

Although I don't doubt for a moment that your decision will be very difficult, the circumstances are very straightforward. 

If you want them and he doesn't, your best bet is to let one another go.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Thanks Deejo. I know if I'm honest with myself that's the most in-control thing to do, otherwise I'm no longer in control of my own life's wants and goals. Still seems like the hardest thing to do though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

There is no half-way compromise on this one.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

When I was 33 I didn't want kids either. Ended up having 3 (my last at age 39). You just never know.

I think your husband is still grieving and just isn't ready to make that kind of decision right now.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What does 'No' even mean? Does he proffer any reason?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wife never wanted kids and when we got married I was fine with that. Low and behold one day she says that she's pregnant and we're having a baby.

I was like, ummmm you said you didn't want kids?? All she said again was, we're having a baby and I let it go at that. Now it's 3 kids later, so much for not wanting to have kids :scratchhead:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

This is something that needs to be agreed upon before marriage. If my husband wanted kids, I would not have married him. He wil be getting a vasectomy; we are very serious.
Grief could be playing a part. Ask your husband what changed his mind. His answer will help.
Everyone says we will have a baby one day, but we know better. There's no way my hubby would go under the knife if we were the slightest bit unsure.
You need to be comfortable with the possibility that your may not change his mind. Of course you don't WANT to divorce him, but you cannot go through life feeling empty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies, it's good to be able to "air" things like this without worrying anyone I know, if that makes sense. 

Runs like Dog, the reason for his "no" is that children will restrict him from being able to do what he wants, when he wants. He thinks life is too short to not be able to do what you want.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What exactly is it that he wants that children prevent?


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

michzz - Freedom. Freedom to come and go as he pleases, freedom not to put anyone else first, freedom to not worry about having something to "pass on" to a child as he is not in the place he wants to be at the moment career-wise so feels he's nothing to teach a child, freedom to be responsible only for himself and no one else... his dad worked hard all his life in a family business for the sake of his own family, and died young before he got to retire and enjoy the fruits of his labour. He also knew he was dying before he did die, that there was nothing else anyone could do, which terrifies my husband. He comments his father spent the last 3 weeks of his life confined to the house looking into the garden he worked hard for knowing it was too late. I think, understandably, this had a profound impact on my husband and has almost scared him into making the most of the present because you never know when you're going to die, so any restriction is hugely unwelcome (cheery stuff, eh?).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nynaeve3 said:


> michzz - Freedom. Freedom to come and go as he pleases, freedom not to put anyone else first,


Alarm bells would be ringing large in my head right now. Does this mean you too? If you become sick? ...

The bottom line is that the reason is not that important. You can either live with no kids for this marriage or you cannot. But THIS particular goal of his, never wanting to put someone else first would concern me greatly.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Mom6547 - I've spoken to him about my concerns if I got sick and needed looking after (I'm not shy about bringing up my concerns with him!). He's told me that he would look after me, as he did his father, because he knows me already and has made that commitment. I know why you were asking though because it was a worry of mine too, hence why I brought it up with him. 

Another issue is that one day I think I do want children, the next I'm wondering whether I actually do. It's like I can't decide whether I want them because I want them, or whether it's because society says that's what you're "meant" to do, and I worry would I be missing out on something amazing otherwise. Another side of me worries that I keep doubting myself because facing up to the fact that I do want them means making hard choices now for the sake of the long term. I don't know whether I'm waiting for him to change his mind or me to be struck by the mother bug (or not, as the case may be). 

Confusing. :scratchhead:


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