# Facebook drama



## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

Alright I'm not sure if I'm going crazy or not but it sure feels like it. My wife and I have been togother for 19 years and have 5 wonderful kids together the last child we just had a couple of months ago. We are high school sweathearts. But heres the problem she had a boyfriend before me that she was very serious with and went on when we first started dating about every intimate detail about their relationship which is the last thin a man wants to hear. But this guy tried getting in the middle of our relationship a couple of times in which I know its a strong word but I truley hate this guy and my wife knows it. So anyway I cancelled my Facebook account and was at work and decided to look at hers not to be snoopy just to look at my sisters pictures and I saw a friend request from this guy. He has been out of the picture for almost 2 decades and now all of the sudden is looking her up. He sent her a message nothing more then saying hoping everything was going good. Then she responded and was saying things I never hear her say like OMG and she was using a lot of exclimation points and asking questions about his life and where he was and what he is doing. He replied back calling her sweetie and started reminising on old times. She only sent the one email and she mentioned me and the kids and that everything was great. I didnt know how to address it because it seemed innocent. I was still pretty upset but felt like I was overreacting so I buried it. Then the jealous side of me came out and I looked at the history on her Ipad and saw that she had looked at his page almost everyday for a week and she allowed him to look at her page without being her friend. So I tried blowing that off and then that came to a head. When I sat her down and asked her about it she was very caviler and said what about it. and then proceeded to say she didn't think I would care even though she knows how I feel about this guy. And she said I was being crazy and that it was no big deal. When I asked her if she had looked ay his page she said not really and then I told her what I saw and the defense mechinisim kicked in and she started arguing with me and said I was snooping and that she had nothing to hide. She told me she knew that I saw it days before because I was acting weird. So heres the problem Im having, if she knew that I knew then why wouldn't she say something to difuse my suspicions and why would she open any kind of discussion with him. And then the biggest one why would she look at his page so much and not tell me anything about it. I have a serious problem with all of this and don't want this guy to know anything about me or my family. She thinks I'm being nuts but I really feel hurt and boarder line betrayed. Please someone from the outside tell me if Im justified or if I'm over reacting. sorry for the long story.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are not overreacting not in the least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

said it once, i'll say it again...
face book is evil and Mark Elliot Zuckerberg IS the devil.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Just my opinion (because I'm was going thru what you are going thru). 
Sit her down and talk about it. Tell her there is no need for her to be defensive. That you are feeling a little insecure because after nearly 2 decades together, you can't understand why she would want to reunite with her ex.

Now, don't get me wrong. She has every right to choose who she wants to be friends with. But she doesn't have the right to start an emotional affair (I'm guessing he lives far away).

She is riding the fence on this. Personally, if my spouse was in a relationship that bothered me and I spoke to her about it and she refused, there is a BIG problem. (again, I just went thru this)

Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its a simple matter of respect. She may not get it yet but she either respects you or not.

If she refuses to block him you may have to reopen your facebook acct and start friending every woman you can think of. Tell her you have to have a backup plan.


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

I left last night after our fight and stayed at a hotel and came straight to work. Im a firefighter so I work for 24 hours. So I wont have to deal with it until tomorrow. But I wrote her an email expressing my feelings. Not accussing just trying to let her see the while thing through my eyes. I wrote the email because I'm too upset to talk and know Im gonna say something I will be apologizing for later. And still no reply. 7 years ago I started talking to another woman and it turned into an emotional affair and I was straight with her and we went to counselling and I have made every attempt over the last 7 years to make things better. She is the only girl I have been with so its the grass is greener on the other side. Not to make excuses because what I did was wrong. But she started throwning that in my face last night and when I saw in the history his page I also saw where she looked aat hers a lot. I just dont want her to think that its a get out of jail free card. I known I hurt her and because of that I'm terrified shes gonna get back at me. I dont know how to handle any of this right now.


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

In a pissed of rage last night after I left I got into her account and accepted her friend request from him and then saw this morning that she blocked him. I hate being like this. I am normally calm and very easy going and all of this is bringing a side of me out that I hate. I just feel really disrespected because I can truley say I do everything for my family and give her everything she asks for. New car done, New kitchen, Done new house no problem. And I'm able to do this because Im a firefighter and own a business. Thats when I lost it because I plowed snow for 18 hours came home and slept for 1 hour then went to fire and ran all day and got 3 hours of sleep that night then when I came home she went out to dinner with her girlfriends and thats when I saw the history and saw that she was looking at his page when I was out working on no sleep and busting my butt to provide for the family.


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## married virgin (Jan 17, 2012)

I think you should talk to her and explain to her your feelings about the situation. If you are worried about starting a big argument then maybe you should try talking to her in a neutral setting so that emotions cannot get in the way of the real topic at hand. It seems like your wife has some sort of attachment to this other man and you are absolutely right to want to talk to her about. I would not suggest trying to get even but instead make her understand your point of view.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Boundaries. EX lovers are forever an issue. They need to be treated as NC forever.

I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together and for sure do the boundary setting. 

You have every right to be concerned. It is about respect. It is at least inappropriate for her to have any contact with him. From what you describe this would be a high risk for unfaithful behavior.

Remember that jeaolusy in and of itself has a place. It is a gut warning that another is after your spouse. Sure this can be taken to an unhealthy level but in general it is there for survival. Listen to your gut feelings. Boundaries help with this.


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

I definatley dont want to get even. We have 5 little ones to think about. I really laid it out in the email I sent her but that was 8 hours ago. I know my wife and she is some how justifing the whole thing as me being crazy. I just dont think shes gonna see it how I do. And Im not willing to give in because I feel really hurt. But in the end the kids are the ones that suffer. And I have problems talking about it because old feelings come out and I loose control and start blurting stuff out. Thats why I left last night after I broke her I pad and told her I paid for it and I refuse to have her reconnect with her old boyfreind on something I worked hard to buy her. And yes I know it was extremley immature and when the dust settles its gonna cost me 500 for a new one and that was the first thing I said in the email was that Im sorry for how I acted but Im telling you this woman is the only one to make me loose it like that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jjj said:


> In a pissed of rage last night after I left I got into her account and accepted her friend request from him and then saw this morning that she blocked him. I hate being like this. I am normally calm and very easy going and all of this is bringing a side of me out that I hate. I just feel really disrespected because I can truley say I do everything for my family and give her everything she asks for. New car done, New kitchen, Done new house no problem. And I'm able to do this because Im a firefighter and own a business. Thats when I lost it because I plowed snow for 18 hours came home and slept for 1 hour then went to fire and ran all day and got 3 hours of sleep that night then when I came home she went out to dinner with her girlfriends and thats when I saw the history and saw that she was looking at his page when I was out working on no sleep and busting my butt to provide for the family.


The thing is an OM like this only has to meet a small number of needs while you do the heavy lifting as you descibe. They are really a fantasy. It is very easy to be them and steal affection, respect, attention and so on that should rightfully be yours.

You are right to squelch this right away.


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

thats what drives me nuts. hes unemployed and has always been a pos. So it hurts me to know that I do what I do as far as work, Im in good shape and not to be vein just feel like Im a better person then he is so I cant understand why she would have any curiosity in him when she has me. And I spend a lot of time with her and always compliment her especially since she had another baby and is insecure with herself. So I just dont know what Im missing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The fact that he contacted her after 20 years was a nice ego boost for her. It brought back her 'self' from that time and for a moment she was young again.

I've had exes contact me...and I felt as your wife did. We caught up, I bragged about my awesome life and that was that. But it did feel nice that after all this time they looked me up. 

I understand how you feel too. I would feel the same way if Hubs' ex contacted him and he got all giddy (thankfully he doesn't have FB). 

You aren't missing anything. She is. She may be reminiscing about her past and when she was 'just a woman' and not mom, etc. It's normal and ok...however, if she was to remain in contact with him, that's no good as EAs can form easily when a woman feels as such.

If she knows about you knowing (i haven't read all the posts) then don't be angry with her. Acknowledge that you realize it made her feel good for a moment to be on someone's mind and then remind her how awesoem you think she is. Then drop it. 

Don't be the guy who gets all insecure about exes. If she blocked him then that's a good thing (I think I saw that there?) just keep on doing what you're doing and remind her how sexy she is NOW...how awesome she is NOW...

The ego is an easy thing to please. hopefully people don't mistake that for truth. That's when things get shetty.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Make no mistake about it. Everyone needs to be on guard. There is a reason infidelity has tripled since the internet became ubiquitous in the middle nineties.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

She had lied about not looking much at his profile... after you had looked up and confirmed that she had... You said she was yelling in defense... 

My H reads the texts on my cell and looks up my history on the internet reads my emails... I dont care about it but ignorance is bliss... I guess she had rather hoped that you trusted her and the fact that you looked it up and then questioned (tested her...) She ran with it being caught in a lie... maybe the above suggested about sitting down for a talk would have been a better way of going about it... 

What is done is done... You can sit down with her and express your feelings about this gentlemen and I hope that the reason she replied was to talk about how wonderful things are and how terrific you are...

I had a boyfriend in Highschool I wrote a message to about how terrific the years have been bragging of my husbands success and inquired as to him and his wife... even if I coated it in a glossy coat of sugar for how poorly he had treated me during the time we had dated... I was proud to let it well known that I was HAPPY!!! For on FB I am rather weather and news event verbal but leave the matters of the home out of the posts! 

I hope that you talk and work out something and if worse comes to worse... you can offer her getting off of FB... I have in the past until I was instructed to act as a mediator between MY H and his older brother... I hope and pray that all works out ok!!!

The years for you both have been ones in which the good times far outweigh the bad, you have 5 blessings to show for a love that grew and grew... you are a fine man and she a good woman and together you are a great couple  keep up the good work!


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

From reading more above, It was unfair for her to throw the situation from 7 years up to you for the simple fact that you have tried so hard and in fear of hurting you... however give it some thought as to if it was justified...from her Point Of View... It seems that your accusing her of wanting to do what you had done over a single message... in which she mentioned her love for her family...(however true of what it could turn in to... but to that point hadnt...)

Your worried because of insecurities with in yourself... guilt, thinking the more you tolerate of her behaivor... As well as you can earn her trust with your your hard work and providing for your family while holding on to your worries that she will pull the same thing you did to her... 

Your Jealous proves it.... Your checking and questioning and your lack of trust... not by getting on her FB but by how you talked about it with her... Were you trying to make her hold up her guard... make her think about her every action... every word... do you want to make her feel small and scared... or do want her to get angry and upset and feel hurt over your checking up and lack of trust after all these years and the children she has had... worked hard for you just as you worked hard for you!

Isnt it worth something that she has been around, that she was there when you were questioning your faithfulness to her... that despite all she has done and the mental nagging with-in herself wondering why she wasnt good enough just as you compare your self with the man you so fear... isnt both of your actions proof that there is no one else but each other...

And I am sure that she looks at her profile as well because it is a reminder of what almost happened what she has to be thankful for and yes I bet it hurts her to look at it, but if you keep an eye on where you have been it helps stear you as to where you are going...

Instead of being mad at her... Talk to her!!! Maybe next time you can both avoid hurt and yelling if you talk and talk often


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

jjj said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

Jbear I really appreciate the response and you are a hundred percent right as far as my insecurities and I know I look into too much because of it. When we were younger and started dating she cheated on me with this guy and I realize that it was forever ago but I have always had my guard up and have had trust issues. I've let that go because I thought we had a great life but that brought back so many emotions that I'm struggling with and in my head I know I'm looking too much into it and should let it go but inside it eats away at me. I have calmed down quite a bit and can look at the big picture and don't want to tear my family up over ancient history but regardless I'm still torn up by everything. And you are one hundred percent right about making her feel small which were not my intentions and makes me feel like crap that I did that but at the time she was not looking at it as serious as I was and the way she got so defensive it when I was being calm at first about it set me off. It kills me to know were in this place right now because we are the couple that everyone looks at like wow they have been together forever and are so happy which brings me to the question what am I missing. And she even told me that the email he sent reminiscing on old times made her uncomfortable but yet she still didn't it tell meabout it. I completely get why she still looks at the other girls page and I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot I would be doing the same thing. I know we need to talk before this spirals completely out of control buy I think we need yo talk with someone together and separate because were both hardheaded and think were right. Again I appreciate the response. We'll get through everything. Its just another bump in the road and I hope will make our marriage stronger. For now I'm still gonna walk away for a bit to make sure all emotions are completely out of it before we talk more in depth about how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

It sounds like you are both on the mend... It is the bumps in the road that makes us soo thankful for the good times


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The fact is she friended a guy on facebook she cheated with in the past. She didn't hide it but lied about looking at his wall. Thats cold.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go here and start reading: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

jjj said:


> Jbear I really appreciate the response and you are a hundred percent right as far as my insecurities and I know I look into too much because of it. *When we were younger and started dating she cheated on me with this guy and I realize that it was forever ago but I have always had my guard up and have had trust issues.* I've let that go because I thought we had a great life but that brought back so many emotions that I'm struggling with and in my head I know I'm looking too much into it and should let it go but inside it eats away at me. I have calmed down quite a bit and can look at the big picture and don't want to tear my family up over ancient history but regardless I'm still torn up by everything. And you are one hundred percent right about making her feel small which were not my intentions and makes me feel like crap that I did that but at the time she was not looking at it as serious as I was and the way she got so defensive it when I was being calm at first about it set me off. It kills me to know were in this place right now because we are the couple that everyone looks at like wow they have been together forever and are so happy which brings me to the question what am I missing. And she even told me that the email he sent reminiscing on old times made her uncomfortable but yet she still didn't it tell meabout it. I completely get why she still looks at the other girls page and I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot I would be doing the same thing. I know we need to talk before this spirals completely out of control buy I think we need yo talk with someone together and separate because were both hardheaded and think were right. Again I appreciate the response. We'll get through everything. Its just another bump in the road and I hope will make our marriage stronger. For now I'm still gonna walk away for a bit to make sure all emotions are completely out of it before we talk more in depth about how I feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This explains a lot...she needs to go NC forever. Not only an ex, but someone she cheated with! Unacceptable.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's already been mentioned that facebook is evil and I agree.

But I also agree that every couple should get hate mulligan. A wife should get the final say no questions asked on a "friendship" with a woman there has been a past with. And a man should too.

If a man truly hates another man...a wife should respect that. (and of course vice versa). But speaking from experience a man that hates another man can get out of control in a hurry. She should cut ties.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I didn't know she cheated on you with him.

He should be NC forever.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I was sorry to learn that she had cheated on you at the beginning of your relationship..... that changes things a bit... If that was something you moved past as well as her getting over yours... then this will to be worked out... take a deep breath and talk things through!!! we all believe in you


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jjj, I was in your position a few months ago. You are completely in the right on this.

You have the right to feel unhappy about your wife having contact with an ex-lover. You have the right to a boundary regarding her having contact. You cannot control her and you cannot make her do anything. But you have the right to set a boundary on this.

In my case, my wife friended an ex-lover from before we were married. This guy was *the guy*, the one person on the planet I don't want her having any contact with. I have some very serious problems with him.

The thing about ex-lovers is that a casual innocent contact can escalate instantly to a real EA/PA.

So you have the correct position in your situation that you do not like your wife being in contact with him. You have two good reasons. One is that he is an ex, and thus _by definition_ he poses a threat to your marriage. The second reason is that _you personally_ have a severe dislike of him having anything to do with your wife or your family.

Your wife doesn't have to hate him. But she either chooses to honor (wasn't Honor one of the wedding vows she took?) your strong feelings or she chooses to disrespect you and choose to remain in contact with her ex.

It isn't anything about whether she is or is not in an EA. There is no purpose in debating with her whether she has intentions or he has intentions of having some kind of affair. The issue is that you as a husband have very strong feelings about something which impacts your relationship with your wife. She either chooses to honor you or she chooses to selfishly disregard you.

FWIW, my wife fought me on removing her ex from FaceBook. She at first just tried to put him on Ignore. I insisted she Block him, which unfriended him and made him invisible to her on FaceBook. She agree, with anger. But I do believe it made her respect me more afterwards. And it showed her my sincerity in wanting to protect the marriage.

I told my wife later about some of my deep personal issues with her ex, beyond the obvious that he was an ex-lover and a threat to the marriage. She had no idea of the depth of the issue. Be sure your wife understands how personal this is for you, not just a 'stupid jealousy'.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is not stupid jealousy, nor is this some old HS boyfriend that she reconnected with, this is the OM she cheated on you with over 19 years ago. I guess you swept it under the rug and married her anyway. And now 20 years later OM is fishing for renewed contact. You're right to be angry because it looks like the affair is on its way to flaring up again if you don't stop it. Don't allow her to play the jealous /controlling card on you. She should be NC with this OM forever. Time to draw the line in the sand. Ask her if this relationship with OM is worth the marriage. Let her know she's free to go and be with this bum if she wants, but she will do so as a divorced woman and without the kids.

You may want to move this to the CWI forum because not everyone here has experienced infidelity and doesnt know what you're going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jjj (Jan 17, 2012)

Thanks to everyone that have commented. This was a rough week filled with hotel stays and silence. Which in the time we have been married I have never stayed somewhere else and shut her completley out. It was making me more upset that she was avoiding the conversation at all cost. I was around the house all day everyday this week working on the kitchen remodel and then when the kids would go to bed I would head to the hotel. I finally took the first step on friday and asked her to explain her point of view. She broke down into tears and told me she was wrong for what she did and was embarressed by it. All I wanted was her to own up to it and explain it. She still couldn't give me a true explination on why she was looking at his page all the time she just kept saying that she didn't know why she was doing it. And I asked her if she truly thought I wouldn't be pissed and she said she thought I would be upset but not rocked to the core. I asked her if she knew I was going to be upset then why would she even consider doing what she did and she responded with she messed up and didn't think about it. She said that she loved me and had no feelings what so ever and that she just wanted him to know how great her life was. I let her know where I stand and how much I hate this guy and that I felt completly disrespected and now insecure with myself because of it. I told her that their are boundries in our marrige and that is a huge one that should never be crossed. I explained that I walk on eggshells when it comes to things that may hurt her out of respect for what we have and that I expected the same. She agreed and we are moving on from here. I am still bothered by the whole thing and not ready to let it go but its because of my own insecurities because of what I did 7 years ago but I'm not going to make her pay for that. I've never let the cheating thing with this other guy come up in 18 years because at the time she was 17 and I was 16 so we were kids and kids do stupid things but I told her that this brought back those feelings and she understood and saw where I was coming from. At the end of the day I should have talked it out more calmly on the beginning right away and not let it build up. But when you love someone rational thinking goes out the window and the mind works on emotion and knee jerk reactions. I think we will be stronger because of this although I wish obviously that it would have never taken place. But I hope this helps someone that reads all these post and hope they have the same outcome. 19 years of marrige and 5 kids is not worth throwing away because of facebook.
Thanks again to everyone.


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