# Affairs/Infidelity: Sex, Emotional or both?



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Always wondered if its 'just sex' for both man and woman when they start an affair / cheat.
Does a WW / OW always get emotionally attached and get feelings of love? Or is it lust?
Does the WH / OM just want a 'piece on the side' and will end things when he gets bored or can emotions cloud his head too?

Thoughts?
Personal experiences?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

no set rules that apply here only the law of averages.

Woman tend to want to feel loved and cherished and are therefore more easily talked into the fantasy of an EA. Men seem to use this as a way in. (no pun intended)
Men who target marry woman have talked about it on here. They claim it is very easy. Let the woman talk and when she complains about her H, he will pretend to be exactly what she needs and all of a sudden he understands her. Sad really.

Men need to have sex to feel loved and some either need/want more than they get at home and can easily end up in an EA as well but more for a girl that will give them a ton of sex. It is feeding their ego. 

This is just on the average though.

Some are just serial cheaters and need the "fix"


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Still having the affects of the Tryptophan in the turkey I ate yesterday, though Snopes has said this is a myth. So I did n't look up the links. I read some links online some time ago that stated that about 1/3rd of women who start EA's go PA because of the way they are wired, they want to consummate the feeling they have.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I've always thought that it's purely emotional (but I really wouldn't know, I've never been in that position). It's logical, though. The ultimate showing of emotions is through sex, imo, and sex is a purely emotional deed.

Of course, I am not counting sex addicts here, but that's a whole other topic.

Regardless, I assume most people have affairs because of what's lacking in their relationship. You don't have an affair if your marriage is good. Doesn't mean your partner isn't trying to be good, perhaps the affair-haver just can't communicate properly what is missing, and they take the easy way out to get what they're not getting.

But I would think that's it's the feelings of being wanted that drive an affair. So I say emotional.

The desired physical end result of sex, an orgasm, can be achieved on your own. The emotional aspect is a 2 person game.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For me, I love the sex but cuddling afterwards and talking a bit. Waking up to my wifee, nice and warm, can't beat that.

I can't just have empty sex with a woman and leave. It doesn't feel right to me and it's pointless.

I have to be emotionally close when having sex and not just wham, bam, thank you mam, see yah sex.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

If you read my WS's communication with that POS the first most obvious thing is sexual attraction. The bloke is younger and more attractive than me - end of story. He has a well paid senior management job. As she said "you tick all the boxes, some 2 & 3 times!". These are her exact words. And she described him with even superior superlatives than that "You are amazingly hot and sexy". Or better "You are seriously driving me crazy, now you have my c**t dripping wet". Things never said to me, ever.

OK - there's that. The other aspect is that these compliments are only part of the picture. Over time when I re-read their correspondence I could see more. She talked about being so close to him she seriously considered where she could go with it (ie, leave me). She talked about being immensely jealous of the thought of him with other women - "something I have never felt before". This married with children scumbag was/is/thinks he is a player in case you haven't guessed.

As the dynamic changed, when some reality set in, her tone changed. She started to reflect on the fact that she couldn't be what he wanted - part of his harem. She kind of put an ultimatum to him. She actually said "I can't just have part of you, I'm not just talking about...(his wife)...and you know that. So if I can't have all of you it has to be nothing at all".

Time passed, a few months it seems, and then it got hot and heavy again. Again the graphic words came from him - what he was going to do to her. As before in those first two months they also shared lingerie photos and a couple of selfies - eg: "I want you waiting for me wearing this - "I can be waiting for you like that" etc.

There was a pattern of letting go and starting up and, as my WS admitted, a 'come chase me' aspect. So even though they both pushed the 'it was over by Oct 2012 BS in fact it continued up until I busted them in early April 2013. "It was all over...." BS! All over until the next text or e-mail IMO. Though to be fair, my WS had demonstrated that she was trying to get him to back off. 

The trouble is there is what I read in e-mails & texts and there is what my WS said about it - two completely different stories. I needed to know how 'deep' it was. How deeply connected they were and how passionate it was. She denies all this but the communication tells another story. She says it was all fantasy but the communication tells another story.

There is no doubt in my mind she was deeply connected to him in an EA before during and probably after the PA, to some degree - even now in her thoughts, who knows, she doesn't talk. For him it is primarily the sex. All of it sex talk with him talking about her being special once or twice and then, when desperate to start up again, invoking the word love - "yes, I know you love me and I love you"

Words are telling. She described enjoying being wanted and desired, feeling like she existed. She talked about that in the early post DDay times, when there was a window of discussion. Yes, he told her what she needed to hear. Follows the script pretty much.

Of course the thing is - if she wasn't getting her needs met then and had an affair to remedy the situation how is it different now? Nothing has really changed intimacy wise and now there is the fallout from an affair. So it is worse. Doesn't that make her ripe to get her needs met again?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

davecarter said:


> Always wondered if its 'just sex' for both man and woman when they start an affair / cheat.
> Does a WW / OW always get emotionally attached and get feelings of love? Or is it lust?
> Does the WH / OM just want a 'piece on the side' and will end things when he gets bored or can emotions cloud his head too?
> 
> ...


Agree everyone is different! 

For me it was a piece on the side.........just a chicken sandwich vs my hamburger I had at home. It was more than just sex, but not much more there had to be a connection then after 4-5 times I would drop that one and then find another one.

For me it always was about variety! At home was stability, making love, emotion, life partner. 

On the side was just that different, almost meaningless, and a new experience.

Yes, it was hard to stop.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> Agree everyone is different!
> 
> For me it was a piece on the side.........just a chicken sandwich vs my hamburger I had at home. It was more than just sex, but not much more there had to be a connection then after 4-5 times I would drop that one and then find another one.
> 
> ...


Yeah, what the hell, what they don't know won't hurt them :smthumbup:


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Everyone is different, but in my FWH's case, the POSOW started talking to him about her marital problems/drama...started as EA for nearly a year before it went PA, but she was pushing for it for months. He enjoyed the attention/adoration, being thought of as a KISA.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Horizon said:


> If you read my WS's communication with that POS the first most obvious thing is sexual attraction. The bloke is younger and more attractive than me - end of story. He has a well paid senior management job. As she said "you tick all the boxes, some 2 & 3 times!". These are her exact words. And she described him with even superior superlatives than that "You are amazingly hot and sexy". Or better "You are seriously driving me crazy, now you have my c**t dripping wet". Things never said to me, ever.
> 
> OK - there's that. The other aspect is that these compliments are only part of the picture. Over time when I re-read their correspondence I could see more. She talked about being so close to him she seriously considered where she could go with it (ie, leave me). She talked about being immensely jealous of the thought of him with other women - "something I have never felt before". This married with children scumbag was/is/thinks he is a player in case you haven't guessed.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't know, regardless of 'the fog', how I would be able to get over knowing and reading all of that...
I never did read and text/mail correspondance between my wife and her OM....we were separated 6 weeks by the time I discovered them (_she now freely admits they hooked up a month before she asked for separation_)

I did get certain feedback which really magnified my own 'mind-movies'....namely that along with his 'reputation' with women, she also quite matter-of-factly told he me he was really well-hung. 

Does wonders for your confidence, that...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

alexm said:


> I've always thought that it's purely emotional (but I really wouldn't know, I've never been in that position). It's logical, though. The ultimate showing of emotions is through sex, imo, and sex is a purely emotional deed.
> 
> Of course, I am not counting sex addicts here, but that's a whole other topic.
> 
> ...


Or what is lacking in them. some people want and need drama in their lives. So they constantly pull in a third party.

My mother does that with me quite often. She's constantly trying to get me to befriend women she introduces me to and then uses that relationship to keep tabs on me. She and my sister like to have access to the guy I'm dating so that they can keep tabs on that as well.

My ex H liked getting chummy with other women. And now I think it was solely to piss me off. his parting words were, when you ask me to do or not do something, that made me want to do the opposite even more. So much for open honest communication. 

Whether it's an EA or PA, the cheating partner is having fun comparing his/ her partner with the AP.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

sex is the same tool used by women, whether they are cheating or single and trying to land a man...its the fishing pole...

For men, its just sex

generally speaking, i dont think people usually cheat because of something lacking in their marriage...NO marriage is perfect and there is always something lacking or suffering due to everyday life...people cheat and THEN blame the issues in their marriage, they dont cheat because of them...

ANY marrital issue someone gives as reason for cheating is the same issues thousands of marriages are having, yet neither cheats...its a bullcrap excuse...cheaters will find the slightest problem/issue/something lacking to justify their weaknes imo


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I don't know... Sometime I just think the answer is simple as:

Some people just CAN'T be monogomous even if they want to.

Its like it's too hard for them or something, like an addict.

I guess they are just really selfish people to the core.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

No set ‘rules’ at all. I know plenty of men who are fine with the ego stroking of an EA because in their head “that’s not cheating, it’s just talk”. I know women who want a bit of ‘strange’ on the side because in their foggy head they’d kill their spouse if they ‘used them and disrespected them like that’ (not how you should treat a woman you love). I’ve know others to do it for “perks” like they needed to offer something in exchange for gifts given. I’ve known others who just couldn’t turn down someone with a much higher sex rank because they never thought they’d have that chance again (EA or PA). Others because they just don’t want to disappoint because they care too much how you might view them or discard you. And still others who erode their boundaries so far that until farm animals are brought into play, it isn’t technically cheating; they allow more and more to convince themselves they are still a good spouse (it didn’t mean anything, but does with you kind of babble).

It’s the individual and the reasons are massively varied.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

davecarter said:


> I honestly don't know, regardless of 'the fog', how I would be able to get over knowing and reading all of that...
> I never did read and text/mail correspondance between my wife and her OM....we were separated 6 weeks by the time I discovered them (_she now freely admits they hooked up a month before she asked for separation_)
> 
> I did get certain feedback which really magnified my own 'mind-movies'....namely that along with his 'reputation' with women, she also quite matter-of-factly told he me he was really well-hung.
> ...


The truth is there are so many reasons - it does vary from person to person; their upbringing, their DNA, their whatever, the circumstances of a LTR. It only takes one creep to come along and reel them in and they, the WS, falls for it / wants it and is therefore equally culpable.

It's a rush both emotionally and physically. They get the "first love" experience all over again.That's what it was like in my situation as far as I can tell. For others the affair has a different dynamic. My WS was really caught up in it with this POSOM but it is all denied of course.

I've had to deal with this emotional roller coaster for almost 8 months. And even though I am much better and stronger I still feel those thrusts of humiliation etc. You can't get it back and we are concreted together financially and with children. 

For now I have to wear it - for now.

All us BS's can do is remind ourselves that we are much better people than those lying cheating pieces of sh!t out there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It depends entirely on the people involved int he affair. 

For some it may be just sex; for some it's emotional; for some it's both.


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