# Cheating, or am I paranoid?



## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi everyone, 
So happy I found this site and would love someone else's opinion. Maybe it would be helpful to give a little background. 

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, no kids yet. We met when I was very young, and he is quite a few years older. In the beginning, the age gap was very noticeable. I was insecure and depressed, and he was confident and full of himself. I guess this explains the opposites attract rule. He ended up cheating on me with multiple people about 6 years ago. I found out when he started acting weird and closing his phone and computer whenever I would come around. It happened too many times to just be a coincidence. I ended up finding out some of his passwords and confirming my suspicions. He told me he had only kissed 2 people and that was it. After a short period of time I forgave him and we got back together. Months later, I still kept finding out things that had happened during that period of time that he never told me about. He ended up accidentally emailing me a pic of himself making out with another person. I know how this sounds...the handwriting was on the wall and I should have left for good. He begged and pleaded and said he would do whatever it took, so I gave him another chance. We decided that we would open up our electronics (phone, facebook, email, etc). 

Now, 6 years later, we are married and I don't believe he has been unfaithful during this time. We love each other and have been pretty happy on the whole. The recent problem we have been having started a year ago. He had a friend in town and they went out all day bar hopping and then came back to go to bed. I was heading to bed when I saw a text come through to my husbands phone, from our friend who lives out of town. The friend was talking about his last lap dance. This made me wonder what my husband said that made him respond this way (we have an agreement that he will tell me if he goes to a strip club, which happens only 1 time a year maybe, and I would be ok with it). So, I open the text and there are no prior messages about the subject, or even from the same day. So, I go to bed and ask him if he went to a strip club. He said no, so I asked him why his friend would send him that message and he said he was responding by text to a phone conversation they were having earlier that night. So (I could tell he was lying) but I said, ok, let me look at your phone call history. He was dumbfounded, so I looked at the phone, and what do you know, no history of a phone call. I told him that I thought he must have deleted the previous texts and he got so defensive. He called his friend into our bedroom (not the one from the text messages), and had him totally lie for him. He put the words into his friends mouth and it was obvious (BTW, he ended up admitting he lied about all of this weeks later). That night he told me to get the F out and the whole thing spiraled out of control. The next day he told me he was putting a passcode on his phone, and changing the passwords to his email, and all of the accounts we share (phone and credit card). Hence, the situation we are in a year later. He is paranoid about me seeing his phone, and he deletes the history when he uses the computer. One time I was at at&t having my phone switched and he accused me of trying to change the password on the account. 

The reason I am writing all of this is because I know that our past still affects the way I think, and the current behavior is bringing back all of those feelings and insecurities. The incident may not be a huge of a deal as cheating, but it makes me feel like he was being dishonest. Now that he is keeping everything password protected I am worried. After his infidelity I did look through his things for a while, but once the trust was back I did NOT snoop. This was the first time in 6 years I ever saw something dishonest on his phone. I don't know if he has something to hide, or he is trying to exert his control over his personal information. I believe that in a marriage, people should be transparent, honest and respectful. They way he is acting is making me resent him and I don't know what the solution is short of leaving. Sorry this was so long winded, but please help!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Privacy = Secrecy in a marriage. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. From what you have written, I think you have every reason to suspect him. You have caught him lies, cheaters lie & liars cheat. 

I recommend you begin the 180 for your own sanity. 
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Your husband is hiding things from you.
Do you know there is no secrecy in marriage ?

He made his friend lie to you.
This friend is toxic and is dysfunctional to your marriage .

You should put clear boundaries for your husband.

I think you are financially dependent on your husband is taking advantage .

Wake up.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Yup agree with the other 2, why lock everything up if you have nothing to hide. He should be doing the opposite and joining you in on going through all his emails, Facebook, and phone stuff. Not locking them up like Fort Knox. Why would your husband not being trying to help you with your insecurities when you obviously have reason for them in the first place. GUILTY is my feeling. It is time to start 180 cause that means he has no respect for you..


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

Aunt Ava said:


> Privacy = Secrecy in a marriage. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. From what you have written, I think you have every reason to suspect him. You have caught him lies, cheaters lie & liars cheat.
> 
> I recommend you begin the 180 for your own sanity.
> The Healing Heart: The 180


Interesting...Just read the 180. It's weird, but I have naturally been doing quite a few things on that list. Thanks for the advice!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*He told me he had only kissed 2 people and that was it. After a short period of time I forgave him and we got back together.*

I'm sorry, but the likelihood of a grown adult only kissing his AP's are slim and none. What you describe is your rug sweeping of his affairs last time. That in turn provided him a lack of consequences, which in turn contributes to his non-remorseful behavior now.

I am a BS in R, and I can tell you that if my spouse has the nerve to "ever" play the privacy card your husband is playing now, her arse would be out the door and I'd be in touch with my lawyer the next day.

She's forfeited any consideration of privacy and she knows that. Not to mention that the only privacy that should be allowed in "any" functional marriage, is on the toilet. 

He is likely cheating again. But either way, my advice is to start respecting yourself. You deserve better. Do the 180 on him, and start divorce proceedings. That's the only thing that might get his attention. 

Even if it does, I would still think twice about continuing on with this man. At best his lack of remorse is nauseating; at worst he's a serial cheater that will lead you to repeated heartache.

Keep posting for support.


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## Mary1214 (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you everyone. The 180 definitely gave me something to chew on for awhile. I've written this post because my instincts are telling me that something is wrong, and I'm sure the way I have phrased everything would lead those reading this to think the same. But...does anyone think that married people should have a zone of privacy? 

He said that him and his friend were planning on going to a strip club, but didn't go because it wasn't open (it was Sun early afternoon).  He didn't see the need in telling me since they didn't go and he knew it would make me uncomfortable that he did want to go (which is true, even though I don't make a big deal about it). What if that is the only reason he deleted the texts? If so, I don't know why he would carry on this long about it, although, he is the type of person who loves to "make a point". He says that I "snooped" and read into what was on the phone and that he is keeping everything private for to protect the relationship?!? That is obviously not working because I am crumbling.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mary1214 said:


> Thank you everyone. The 180 definitely gave me something to chew on for awhile. I've written this post because my instincts are telling me that something is wrong, and I'm sure the way I have phrased everything would lead those reading this to think the same. But...does anyone think that married people should have a zone of privacy?
> 
> He said that him and his friend were planning on going to a strip club, but didn't go because it wasn't open (it was Sun early afternoon). He didn't see the need in telling me since they didn't go and he knew it would make me uncomfortable that he did want to go (which is true, even though I don't make a big deal about it). What if that is the only reason he deleted the texts? If so, I don't know why he would carry on this long about it, although, he is the type of person who loves to "make a point". He says that I "snooped" and read into what was on the phone and that he is keeping everything private for to protect the relationship?!? That is obviously not working because I am crumbling.


This is a typical cheaterspeak .

Don't trust a word.

Stay strong. That is the only way to win.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I am one of the people who do feel some privacy is okay, but NOT when there has been cheating. They have lost the right to private conversations, private email, private web browsing, and private messaging. Your H lost that right and for a time he was okay with doing what he had to do to get your trust back. But all of a sudden he is secretive? 

You need to do one of those key logger things and get his email password, you can also set admin on the PC to check his history and see if he is using a different web messaging. Then you could do the Voice activated recorder thing for his car. 

I don't know squat about that stuff but there are lots of others here who do.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He's most likely cheating.

It's point by point to the script.

Locking his phone/communications down(even after being wayward)
Irrational anger directed towards you
Insane crazymaking with the forcing the friend to lie bit.

He's cheating.

File for divorce.
Give him your boundaries(Complete transparency, full disclosure) 
Wait to see what he does when he gets served.

I don't know why you'd want to save this though.
He's a child.


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