# How to learn to trust him again...



## MRBDDB (Mar 16, 2010)

Hi and I am new to this board and need some advice. I have been married now going on two years and we lived together 3 years prior to getting married. I am 36 and my husband is 44. This is both our second marriages and we each have two children. To be a blended family we have had much success. However three weeks ago I found out my husband had been calling his ex-girlfriend since last August. This ex-girlfriend is from 20 years ago, they lived together for three and were engaged to be married and getting ready to build a house when she left him. There has been things he's told me over the course of our relationship that has led me to believe he may have unresolved feelings for her. Yes it's been 20 years but sometimes our feelings don't tell time. When we first started dating I asked him of everyone he's ever dated who was that "one true love for him" (I was certainly expecting him to tell me his ex-wife) but he tells me this ex-girlfriend. He has continued to keep in touch with her family over the years and does work for her dad sometimes. He also told me that over the course of his 8 year marriage with his ex-wife that he had dreamed about this ex all the time. Our dreams are defintely our subconcious talking to us! So my gut told me to look at our cell phone records three weeks ago. Nothing in particular had happened to make me do this but just something within me. So much to my heartache I saw where he's been calling her since last August. The pattern of their talking was talking several times a day to going a week without talking. He's not much of a texter but I saw where he texted her on New Years Eve while we were together at home and he also called her on Christmas Eve morning while I was at work. To me that was so personal and it hurt the most. In October she left her husband and their talking really increased for that month. The last time he contacted her was on February 3rd of this year and this was a few weeks before I found all this out. I have been devastated by this. When I found out I came home and started packing my stuff and was leaving. He begged me not to go to the point of almost crying. I want to believe him and move on past this but i can't stop thinking about it. We are seeing a marriage counselor and it has helped but I can't get this stuff out of my head. He swears to me they never met but just talked about things going on in their lives. It hurts so much to think he shared intiment details about problems we were having in our marriage. Oh, forgot to mention, in September we went to a mutual friend's b'day party and she was there. I was so insecure and paranoid he was going to talk to her at this party, little did I know they had already been talking for the last 2 months so I now feel like a fool!! Most of the phone calls he made. I would say 75% of them and it looked like the ones where she called him was her calling him back. I love my husband with all my heart and want to do anything to get us back on track. He also at the suggestion of our marriage counselor is going to start seeing an individual therapist, first appt is actually this evening. Since all of this happened he's been a better husband and I have been putting much more effort into our marriage. I asked him in counseling what made him quit calling her and he said because he knew it wasn't right. I don't know if that's the truth or not but I can tell you I check our cell phone records first thing in the morning when I get to work. I just want to know if there is any advice or words of encouragment anyone can give me. Thanks for listening everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire. Both of you should fill it out and give it to each other. It tells you what YOU do that hurts your spouse (as they report it), so you can stop doing those things that drain your love bank. Spend a couple months working on stopping those habits that are LBs.

Once you have eliminated the LBs, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and fill it out. It will tell you what your spouse's top ENs are, so that you can make sure YOU are the person meeting those needs (not his exGF). 

If you continue to do these two things - in good faith on both your parts, you will have a strong marriage.


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