# Divorcing My Room Mate



## TiredBob (Feb 9, 2011)

Hopefully my situation isn't that uncommon and others can relate. Wife and I have been married 12 years, no kids, intimacy stopped on our wedding night (her decision) and communication is near non existent. She still claims to be madly in love with me but I've seen no evidence of that. I feel that we work well as room mates, possibly friends but we are as much husband and wife as two random people living together. 

I've brought up the subject of divorce before and she spent an entire fortnight just crying until I relented and went to see a counsellor to talk me out of my actions. This sort of worked until last week when I asked her for a divorce again. I explained how lonely I always feel, how she spends more time on the laptop than with me, how we sleep in separate rooms, how she was physically and verbally abusive to me in the past. Honestly the list could be much longer but I didn't want to get into an argument. She did the crying for a few days and now its just silence. No questions, no resolve, just her hoping I forget it and we continue on like normal. Gosh this annoys me so much! 

So why then do I feel so guilty? She doesn't have any family here for support and very few friends. I've told her that she can keep the house and any furniture she wants, I'm certainly not going to request any money from her. Perhaps this would feel so much better if she were a bad person but she's not, we're just no good together and she can't see that.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Geez man,

Intimacy stopped on your 
WEDDING night? And you've hung in for 12 years? You don't feel tricked? 
Are you saying you get no hugs, kisses, sex, or intimacy of any kind and your have stayed married for 12 years? That is CRAZY!

What is her excuse? Sounds like you are a victim of your own making. Once she told you no more intimacy on your wedding night, you should have gotten an annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Just curious, but why did you get married?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want her to agree with you that divorce is the best solution and she's not going to because she wants to remain married. Guilt has kept you in place long enough (and will continue to keep you there if you let it) so it's time to move on. She has to sort her own life -- you obviously can't do it for her -- and you have to sort yours. It's time to start the process.


----------



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I think the guilt comes from choosing your happiness over your spouses. It isn't wrong to seek happiness in the midst of misery caused by a spouse that simply refuses or is incapable of meeting your needs but it sure feels that way when you are essentially taking yourself away from your spouse that still wants you in their life as the status quo. You know that will create sadness in someone you care for want to married to


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

are you sure there isn't anyone else in the picture? and BTW you need to control your guilt and give away the farm.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You still care about her even though you no longer want to be in this type of marriage, that is why you might feel guilty. 

Has she told you why she does not want to have sex? have you got her to see a sex therapist or anyone for this issue?

You have a right to be happy, and if you are not happy you have a right to find your happiness. It does sound like you have discussed this with her and she has no intent on changing. If you feel that you have done everything you can to try and discuss and get help . Then you should not be so hard on yourself for wanting to end the marriage so both of you can find someone that makes you happy.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Apparently she IS happy. 

Did you have sex before marriage? Was it good, often, etcetera????

Then the day after, she says, "BTW, bob, your days of sex with me are over now that I've got papers on you!"

I just am not understanding, am in disbelief... There's got to be more to this for you to have a sexless marriage after your wedding night.

The only thing I can think of is you didn't have sex before, and your Wanger is so big it hurt her and scared her.

Tell us more, this is nonsensical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yeah, we need more details. No sex for 12 years?

I am coming up on 8 years of being married, and had sex less than 15 times if I recall correctly. Sex was just alright before we got married, but stopped doing it until we got married due to her religion guilt. But somehow we created two beautiful children over the last 6 years. I've been seperated now for 5 weeks and life has never been so good. Actually got laid a few times and a couple BJs, which I haven't had since college days. Consider yourself lucky you don't have children! Don't just walk away, run very fast! You have the rest of your life in front of you, don't waste another day. It's time to take care of yourself, no one else will!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> Yeah, we need more details. No sex for 12 years?
> 
> *I am coming up on 8 years of being married, and had sex less than 15 times if I recall correctly.* Sex was just alright before we got married, but stopped doing it until we got married due to her religion guilt. But somehow we created two beautiful children over the last 6 years. I've been seperated now for 5 weeks and life has never been so good. Actually got laid a few times and a couple BJs, which I haven't had since college days. Consider yourself lucky you don't have children! Don't just walk away, run very fast! You have the rest of your life in front of you, don't waste another day. It's time to take care of yourself, no one else will!


You guys are scaring me. I had no idea married men didn't get sex! I have to say, my ex was great in that dept.
Obviously I was luckier than I knew.
I've gotten even luckier in the past year, so I've got to stop complaining.
I can tell you both for a fact that lots of women love sex just as much as men, and having sex with your wife is far better than some stranger that's a hottie. JMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> You guys are scaring me. I had no idea married men didn't get sex! I have to say, my ex was great in that dept.
> Obviously I was luckier than I knew.
> I've gotten even luckier in the past year, so I've got to stop complaining.
> I can tell you both for a fact that lots of women love sex just as much as men, and having sex with your wife is far better than some stranger that's a hottie. JMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup, stuff you learn later in life. Some of us are slow learners. Better to learn now than much later in life and have regret. I always thought I was being selfish by wanting to have a great sex life, so I lived the last 7 years pretending my marriage was just great. I understand no marriage is perfect and requires a lot of work. But when you aren't having sex and no desire to have sex, it can't be fixed. Those who are fighting for their marriage but still can have passionate sex, they have a chance! When our marriage counseler told me that we can get our marriage back to how it was in the beginning, I knew we were over. It was NEVER good in the first place! Never should have married her. 

Coming up on 6 weeks living in my own place, the wife knows I'm dating, and she still thinks we are worth fighting for and her going to therapy has changed her. HAHA! I'm being nice though, as I want this to be amicable so we both walk away with assets/money. Oh well, life is too short to be stuck in a meaningless marriage!

OP, you aren't alone man! Don't be scared of the future. Just don't have regrets later in life, I know I would if I stayed married.


----------



## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Wow, just wow. She made a monk out of you and you still have a guilt? Guilt for what? For not enjoying 12 years of your life?
as some one said, RUN.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

life_huppens said:


> Wow, just wow. She made a monk out of you and you still have a guilt? Guilt for what? For not enjoying 12 years of your life?
> as some one said, RUN.


maybe he married an ex-nun


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Yeah, we need more details. No sex for 12 years?
> 
> I am coming up on 8 years of being married, and had sex less than 15 times if I recall correctly. Sex was just alright before we got married, but stopped doing it until we got married due to her religion guilt. But somehow we created two beautiful children over the last 6 years. I've been seperated now for 5 weeks and life has never been so good. Actually got laid a few times and a couple BJs, which I haven't had since college days. Consider yourself lucky you don't have children! Don't just walk away, run very fast! You have the rest of your life in front of you, don't waste another day. It's time to take care of yourself, no one else will!


Whoa dude!!! thread hijack, but you are head over heels for a woman you met 3 weeks ago on POF and you are still married, and barely separated? no wonder you didnt post that in the 'singles' thread, but....wtf? So...does the new woman you are looking at engagement rings for know you are married? 

Dont answer that last question.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

MRR said:


> Whoa dude!!! thread hijack, but you are head over heels for a woman you met 3 weeks ago on POF and you are still married, and barely separated? no wonder you didnt post that in the 'singles' thread, but....wtf? So...does the new woman you are looking at engagement rings for know you are married?
> 
> Dont answer that last question.


1. I am just browsing online for what $10K gets in a ring these days... she has no clue I've looked. Waaaay too early to bring that up!
2. Yes, she knows I've been officially seperated for 5-6 weeks. I lived in the basement bedroom for months prior. But when you both have a strong connection like we do, you don't care about little things like that. We're adults and know what we want. Won't settle for less. Not young and stupid like when we first got married to the wrong person.


----------



## TiredBob (Feb 9, 2011)

Thank you for all of the replies everyone, I will try to answer as best I can.

Pre-marriage sex was awesome. Lots of fun, passion and at least twice a day. We also spoke at length about our dreams and plans for the future and felt perfectly in sync as we wanted the same things in life. Hence marriage, at the time, felt like a no brainer. 

Then on our wedding night came the bombshell. She had a traumatising experience with sex when she was younger and had only been going through with it to please me. As you can imagine, that hit me for six. I didn't want to live in a false marriage but I didn't want to be an unreasonable jerk when she had confessed something so big. To this day I still don't know if the event was true or not but in the folly of youth and wanting to be a good guy, I believed her. She promised to get help and asked that I remain her rock. 

Over the years we've had hugging, peck on the cheek kissing and hand holding but if I'm honest, its more like what you would get from a child than a partner. She has expressed a desire for sex on occasion, and we made an effort to get in great shape, book a romantic hotel room etc. But when the time came she would just freeze up, look horrified and cry. I'm not an unattractive man, I know that now, but she made me feel as if I were the most horrible monster anyone could imagine. It turned out that she never did seek help. 

Soon that rejection turned to resentment. I mean why wouldn't it? I threw myself into my work, paid off our house, developed cancer and spent years getting treatment. With all that going on, sex wasn't at the front of my thoughts and those hugs and cheek kisses became enough. It's weird how that happens but that's the truth, you just learn to get by and nothing else really matters. Now though I'm starting to learn to live again and those old wounds are opening up for another time. 

I appreciate those who understand the guilt, its not something everyone feels but a lot of what you're saying is correct. On the outside we have the perfect marriage; no debits, a clean home, stability, and that's why I feel so guilty in throwing away what others would kill for.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

TiredBob said:


> Pre-marriage sex was awesome.
> 
> Then on our wedding night came the bombshell. She had a traumatising experience with sex when she was younger and had only been going through with it to please me.


I'm going to go out on a limb here, but it looks like she tricked you into marriage. That was INCREDIBLY well played by her. It bought her 12 years.


----------



## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Tired Bob, you need to get out of this and go find a better life. Your guilt seems excessive here, are you by chance Catholic? I am a recovering Catholic myself so know how that is, kept me in an abusive marriage for over 20 years with a serial cheater. You need to perhaps get some counseling for yourself and move on with your life. 

Good luck


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, you're only 12 years too late for engaging the services of a marriage counselor!

At this juncture, you had best make and keep an appointment with a competent family attorney!

I'd say that she owes you at least twelve years of your life back!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

What a waste.

File already. Like yesterday.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When she dropped that bombshell, you should have dropped another-- divorce!
You were duped. That's not fair what she did, she should be ashamed.
But you did it to yourself.

Fix the error.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I put about 90% of this on you. You allowed this with no consequences. 12 years? SMH.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Why are you giving her the house? Get a fair 50/50 divorce and look forward.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It's called bait and switch and it's not uncommon for someone who was abused to become abusive.

You've been emotionally abused and manipulated for 12 years, and she got someone to play house without needing to do anything on her part.

Run. Run like the wind. Don't buy the tears -- they're not for you. They're for her because she's afraid she won't find another person who will give her everything while asking for nothing forever.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She wanted(wants) a Daddy. 

Not a husband.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Have you ever caught her masturbating? Or is she completely low-drive....


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TiredBob, you're a Secondary Survivor of Child Sex Abuse (CSA) or rape. Your wife is the Survivor (or victim as I prefer to call it). Her reaction to sex is not at all unusual. Plenty of good sex up until the wedding.

With my wife, sex was plentiful up until just prior to the wedding. Anyhow, when you got married you became her husband, which is an adult male family member and authority figure. Prior to that you were just some boyfriend. Boyfriends aren't threatening, but for the CSA victim whose abuser was a family member, adult male, or authority figure you have now just crossed the line into that category of dangerous men when you became her husband.

And so sex becomes frightening and full of triggers. What you describe is quite common.

The only way she has a chance of becoming more like the woman you thought you were marrying is via qualified trauma therapy with a psychologist who specializes in CSA. Time will not heal her. In fact, time will get her more set in her ways. You can't heal her. You just can't. She has to want to seek help and then she has to do the hard work.

She may not realize how big a deal this is to you and your happiness in life. She probably has some very dysfunctional ideas and beliefs about sexuality. She is also probably scared to death to face her demons and for you to leave her.

There's another thread going right now on the same topic. You might get some solace in not being the only person in your position. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/318162-wife-dropped-small-bomb-me-last-night.html

You haven't necessarily been the victim of bait and switch. She probably had no idea how marriage would affect her. But you have been the victim of her abuse being passed down to you. She owes you to either seek whatever remedies she needs in order to be a good life partner, or to let you leave to seek a normal healthy relationship elsewhere.

BTW, I've been married 33+ years but only known of my wife's CSA for about 5 years now. I understand it isn't easy for you, and your choices ahead are not easy either.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop asking for her damn permission to divorce and just DO IT. You don't need her consent or even her signature to divorce! I am proof! I divorced my second husband without a single word from him. Find a place, move your sh!t and file.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Wait a minute, did I read this right? No intimacy for 12 years and it stopped on your wedding night? What the heck happened? Like once the ring was on her finger and it was official she just did her own thing. I honestly suggest taking her to a counselor and seeing where her underlying issues are. In a marriage, you have to take care of your partner and be sensitive to his or her feelings. I am really sorry she hasn't taken you into consideration and has basically ignored you. But honestly, I don't blame you for wanting a divorce because that sounds like a very lonely life.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, you were used for what you can provide her and she guilt you for her own selfishness. What about your own feelings and wants?

Dysfunctional people will work towards what they want instead of taking each other into consideration.

She may love you or care about you, but she needs you for what you provide, security and not to be alone and share in her dysfunction as well.

Of course you care about her, but nonetheless, it is not your job to fix her, she has to do that on her own and want it enough. Who knows, leaving her may help her out and she may seek help, staying with her has not helped her so far has it? You provide safety so she does not feel the need to help herself because you have become a crutch.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with all the other folks here who are saying that you need to divorce her, and that she pulled a bait and switch on you.

Yes, I have some sympathy for her as a survivor of CSA. But that doesn't give her the right to condemn you to a sexless marriage. A marriage is a sexual relationship, among other things. PRIMARILY a sexual relationship. In fact, once your married, unless your a cheater or you're poly, your spouse is your ONLY source of sex. No healthy person (with a healthy sexual drive) would ever marry if they knew it meant subjecting themselves to a lifetime without sex.

By refusing you sex, she is refusing to fulfill her responsibilities as your wife. I think that both partners have an obligation to be a willing, enthusiastic, skilled partner. She is refusing to meet your needs. Like I said, I have sympathy for her experiences. But if she is unable to fulfill her wifely duties as your willing lover because of her experiences, then she's obligated to go to a therapist and fix her problems. It's unfair for her to expect you to stay in a sexless marriage because she's not willing to work on her problems.

She's already wasted twelve years of your life--how much more are you willing to waste?


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

So what is the status tired bob?


----------

