# My return after almost a year and I'm still hurting



## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

_For those of you who don't know who I am, you might want to read my story here._

So after you've read that, unless you remember who I am. I'll give you an update to my married life. I've become to a point where I've no longer took her pushing me around and bullying me into doing things she wants me to do. When I want to do something, I do it and she doesn't have much to say. Sure, she gives me grief still but I've developed a coping mechanism to help me brush it off. The first bold move that did this for me was my telling her that when it came out on Blu-Ray, I was going to buy The Avenger's weather she liked it or not. And I did just that, she didn't say not one word about it. I watched it at a time where she wouldn't be subjected to it and I knew where she wouldn't be whining that my attention would be drawn away from her for just one mili-second. After that, things seemed to be smooth sailing, other than the occasional fight here and there. While it did elevate with me yelling at times, I've learned not to take crap from her.

Some time later, we were standing strong and happy with each other, always smiling. I lost my job on 12/21/12 and while it would have been a time for distress, we made it through that obstacle together. She was supportive and stood by me in all those times. I also began to see the error in myself, my explosive temper. I'm still trying to find the right time in getting help...REAL help. I went to one therapy appointment and the therapist sided with her and made it seem like I was the bad guy. Yeah, I know that nobody should have to live through yelling and screaming, but nobody should have to have this cloud of gilt over something that's in the past and needs to be dead and buried. Eventually however, she told me she's going to put it behind her and we could move on with our marriage. We celebrated our one year anniversary happy for the first time in a long time. She even stood by my side during loss when I lost my grandmother on my dad's side of the family. Everything seemed to be going good. Well, you're probably asking why I'm coming back then?

About a month or more ago, my wife began to start always insulting me calling me hurtful things like stupid, fat, ugly, [email protected]$$, jerk, anything in the book. Then she'd follow it up with, "I'm just kidding hunny, I love you." But this goes on all day, every day. After a while, it hurts and it takes a toll on me. I've lost confidence in myself and have given up on most of my school work in college. I've became more depressed and feel helpless and hopeless. She makes me out to be lazy and I do nothing when all she does is sit in front of the computer herself and mess around on Facebook. I talked to her about why she did it, she basically said that she held some resentment for my lack of drive and the fact I "gave up" and became "lazy." I'll go on the record as to say I am not lazy. As I may or may not have stated before, she recently got a job with Lowe's and it ended suddenly, she was only there for 8 or 9 days, but I'll get to that later. While she was at work, I was at home watching and taking excellent care of our daughter. There was one incident where she went in behind me while I was making her some juice, she got curious and took a pickle jar from the door and it fell on the kitchen floor. She got a piece in her foot so I acted quickly in giving her first aid and bandaging her up. My wife still hangs that mistake over my head and makes it out as if I'm not competent enough to watch our daughter. While she worked, I also cooked for the family. And she had the nerve to call me lazy. So she took all of her negative feelings about me and tried to take them on a humorous spin and call me those hurtful things. But that's not all. She's went back to some of her old ways again and I came close to leaving her a couple of months ago.

How I came close was one day we were out and about, the day we changed over the title and registration to the van we bought together with taxes over to use from the previous owner. My wife said she had the money still in the box. She then said that she needed to go take care of a couple of things before we went to change things over. Little did I know, she was selling more of the things that she bought me that I really didn't want sold. And the worst part....SHE LIED ABOUT IT!!! It was my first PS3 all over again. I did forget to mention that we did get me another one and she was the one to buy it with our money. How I was tipped off was I saw the backing of my extended LOTR trilogy blu-ray and she claimed that it just fell into the bag she had at the time. Well, I had to run to a place near by that bought broken laptops. So out of my own curiosity, I asked the guys that worked there if anyone tried to sell it there along with my Star Wars blu-ray and my Transformers game. And they told me that she did and so I confronted her and she told me she couldn't tell me that she had to sell them. She said she always had this fear of talking to me about finances, which was a load of crap. Everyone knows as well as I do, communication on all fronts of a marriage makes it work. She practically stole from me and didn't tell me. And I felt it was a great sign of disrespect.

She also makes me feel more of a villain when her and I do argue and I call her on her crap. Even when I don't yell, when I talk sternly, she makes it out that I'm yelling at her. She makes me look like a horrible father to our daughter and make it seem like I'd hurt her. I love my daughter to bits and pieces and wouldn't dare to hurt her. She's the reason I want a better future for my family. Not only that, but when I want to have a serious loving moment with her, she acts all silly and goofy, especially when I want to give her an affectionate kiss. It frustrates me because she doesn't take it seriously. Right now, I'm starting to question the future of my family. 

So here's where I'm at my cross roads. She's resorting to going back to old habits. I sent a picture to one of my old email addresses for archival purposes, it was a picture that I was going to possibly make a meme out of, poking fun at Microsoft. And where does Mrs. Jumps To Conclusions goes, she attacks me and asks, and I quote from the message she sent me on Facebook, "why you have a picture from hotmail or whatever? i am not very happy about seeing that ****ty e-mail account again" what the F makes an email account ****ty? Seriously?!? I'm honestly now more than ever at a loss as to what I should do, things seem to have gotten worse. With the insults, and the mistrust now on both sides (there are times I cannot trust her. Her last job that she lost, I have a feeling she quit because she didn't like it and covered her @$$ and saying they let go alot of people), and something else I failed to mention. She's also been hitting me and she can pack a punch, she bites very hard, and scratches me. Her most recent scratch left a scar that scabbed over. I honestly don't feel hardly any love come from her anymore. There are times when I'm alone I just want to cry and sob because the woman I married is no longer the same woman I fell in love with. I need help.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NSE, thanks for returning to give us an update. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't changed much in nearly a year. Do you still believe -- as you apparently did in your 7-5-12 post -- that your W seems to exhibit the BPD traits I described in your other thread? Did you ever consult with a clinical psychologist, by yourself, to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with?


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

Uptown, the guy I talked to was a quack. I told him everything about what my wife does and every trait she exhibits and asked him if he thought she could have BPD, and I even used the clinical name and he knew nothing about it. I thought to myself, 'you've got to be kidding me.' He sympathized with my wife and continued to paint the target that it's all me. I mean, I know I have my problems and I'll man up to them, and I'm going to seek out better help. Finances as of late haven't allowed me to do so except for the one time I went. I had planned on going back to see the guy to see if maybe that first visit was just an off day for him, but I had to keep rescheduling because a.) I couldn't afford to pay for the appointment or b.) I had other matters to attend to, like a test at school or a big paper due. My wife just recently got another job after she lost (or as I sincerely think she did, quit) the one she did have and if all goes well, we should have enough to be able to pay for me to seek help for my issues. I know I suffer from depression and ADHD so I have those from the get go. Hopefully, I can find someone who's a little more unbiased and actually knows their stuff. Things have changed, yet they have not. As I mentioned, we had a period of time where we were happy and smiling and then, things got worse again. But I think I remember you saying that was typical behavior of a BPD relationship. Heck, for all I know at this point I too could have or have had it and not known it. But I honestly believe that yes she does have a form of it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NotStrongEnough said:


> Uptown, the guy I talked to was a quack.... I know I suffer from depression and ADHD....


As we discussed a year ago, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion on your W's issues -- if they involve strong BPD traits -- is to see a clinical psychologist (not a MC or general therapist) who has not seen or treated your W. The reason is that the psych is ethically bound to protect his sick client and, if she has high functioning BPD, it usually is not in her best interests to be told that she has it.

With psychologists, as is true for the members of any profession, there is great variation in skill sets. It therefore is prudent to do some research before selecting one if you can do so, e.g., getting a recommendation or reading about the local psychologists on the Internet.

I usually recommend a psychologist over a psychiatrist only because the latter has both a PhD in psychology and a medical degree and, thus, is usually at least twice as expensive. Yet, because you suffer from disorders requiring medication (i.e., the depression and ADHD), you will need to see a psychiatrist anyway. 

I therefore suggest that you see a psychiatrist all by yourself -- without your W being present at least for the first visit or two in order to obtain a candid assessment of what her issues may be. Because both psychiatrists and psychologists oftentimes will adjust fees based on client income level, I suggest you go ahead and call several psychiatrists and find out what the charge would be in your case. You may be surprised to find out that the consult is more affordable than you had thought.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

So why do you love this woman? Seriously. She sounds horrible.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

Thanks Uptown, I'll look into it when I can get enough money to do so.

Alpha, I'm not sure sometimes really. I have moments where I have the world's strongest love for her ever and then other moments where she'll just say something and I feel like 'is this really worth it?' I mean, I know we have love for each other and maybe there are times I'm being a little too sensitive about being called those names. She never has really said it angrily, it was more in a teasing/taunting kind of way. It equally hurts regardless. I did take some initiative today to do some work around the house while she was at her job training and she seemed really happy with me. I mean, I know there's nobody perfect out there...I'd just like some consistency ya know? I don't want to get snapped at for asking a simple question, like, 'do you remember when I asked you to turn the air on?' That's what happened tonight as she went to bed. I'm still trying to figure it out honestly, but for right now, I just look past her numerous flaws and she seems to look past mine and we love each other. Sorry if the post doesn't make a lot of sense...I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to check the thread. Now I'm going back to sleep. Good Night.


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## NotStrongEnough (Jul 1, 2012)

Thanks Uptown, I'll look into it when I can get enough money to do so.

Alpha, I'm not sure sometimes really. I have moments where I have the world's strongest love for her ever and then other moments where she'll just say something and I feel like 'is this really worth it?' I mean, I know we have love for each other and maybe there are times I'm being a little too sensitive about being called those names. She never has really said it angrily, it was more in a teasing/taunting kind of way. It equally hurts regardless. I did take some initiative today to do some work around the house while she was at her job training and she seemed really happy with me. I mean, I know there's nobody perfect out there...I'd just like some consistency ya know? I don't want to get snapped at for asking a simple question, like, 'do you remember when I asked you to turn the air on?' That's what happened tonight as she went to bed. I'm still trying to figure it out honestly, but for right now, I just look past her numerous flaws and she seems to look past mine and we love each other. Sorry if the post doesn't make a lot of sense...I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to check the thread. Now I'm going back to sleep. Good Night.


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