# Wife is gone, for good.



## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Ok, I've been looking over these fourms for the past month trying to gain some insight into what the heck is going on with my marriage... But to no avail I still have yet to understand.

My wife left me three weeks ago and proclaimed she didn't love me at all and that she wanted a divorce, two days later she came home and said she wanted to work it out, go to counseling, etc...
We slept in the same bed the first night she was home, but the following two weeks turned into hell for me. She would only argue, scream, and reject every attempt I made at expressing how remorseful I was for the problem she thinks we had. She also locked me out of the bedroom, refused to talk to me, would not touch me, and became extremely paranoid about me snooping. She left for good last sunday on our weekly "family day" Heres a little back story.

We met in highschool, her father was not in the picture (abandoned her at 2) and her mother was emotionally and physically abusive. She was hooked on pills and nearly anything else she could get her hands on, she was also in an abusive relationship. We were friends for two years, and although we both admitted to having feelings for each other she never allowed me to be there for her more than just friends. One day after she finally ended it with her guy at the time things just happened and then 5 days later (June 15th) we started dating. We dated for 1 1/2 years before I proposed on a New years eve trip to california that I took her on, then 6 months later we married on June 15th as to keep it the same anniversary. We had some heated fights once every few months, but we've never split up in 8 years of being together or 6 years of marriage. so 6 years of marriage and 2kids later we've built a life together, we own our own home, paid off cars, a 3 and 1 year old, and the family that she never had. After we got together I managed to get her to quit doing all the drinking and drugs, also to banish the drug heads that she hung around with, and for the past 7 years she grew from a deceptive, whiney poor me type person, to a successful wife, mother, and nurse. The past 3 months I had been deep into work and she started complaining out of no where that I'm ignoring her on purpose and that I don't care enough to listen anymore... I'm no saint, believe me, I can be an a**hole just as good as the next guy, and when she suggested marriage counseling I freaked and told her we didn't need it, just to spend more time together. fast forward to our 8th year anni (last month) she goes around telling people how proud she is to be with her best friend for the last 8 years and so on and so forth.

Skip to 3 weeks ago. Her friend, who she was supposed to be the maid of honor in her wedding was over (the friend just left her man a week before the wedding last year, if that makes a difference) was at our house. My wife came up to me around 7 pm and told me she loved me more than anything and gave me a loving kiss. 2 hours later, her pal comes in and asks around 9:30 if me and my friend want some liquor, and I immediately say "Seriously? at 9:30? Wife and I have to be up with the kids at 6, hell no!" So I though it was over. Then her pals boyfriend pulls up to my house with drinks for them (I can't stand this guy, He lit up some weed in front of my children the first time I met him and that wrapped up my opinion of him) I look outside, ask what the hell is going on and retreat as to not escalate the situation. I walk to the front of my house and smoke a cig to calm down, and my wife approaches me (who is now drunk) and all I say is "Really, drinking at 10:15?" and that was it... She now claims that by me getting her out of her situation, and my family taking her in as their own that I was only ever out to control her. Her family used her as a maid and babysitter before I came along and SHE asked to leave with me from there. Now they are all in her corner saying how I used to control her and never let her do anything (even though I paid for her college, her car, taught her how to drive, etc...) Maybe I've done too much, but I never held her back. I only helped and supported, granted I had my opinions, but never have I said "If you do this, I'll do this!".

I just don't understand how someone who never had a real family and told me up until 3 weeks ago that she wanted our kids to have a real family and that my family was more like a family to her than hers could ever be, Could just flip on a dime like that. She literally developed Anxiety disorder, Depression, and High Blood pressure the week after she left me, I know leaving me is affecting her, but she won't listen to reason. She claims she hates me now, and that the only thing she wants to do with someone "possesive and controlling" is co-parenting. Every mutual friend we have has said shes gone nuts and to let her go, but I love the girl. My family means everything to me and it kills me to see her destroy it because she feels like she has something to prove to herself. I'm filing bright and early tomorrow because she said she doesn't have the money to do it, but not to ever expect her to come back AND shes talking to a guy over facebook that was trying to pick her up about 5 months ago. Shes tried to be civil with me until I bring up how crazy this whole situation is and then the claws come out and I never did anything for her buut control her life... My kids miss her, I miss her. But she isn't "her" anymore, I feel like I'm looking at the 16 yr old version of her again and I don't have any hope left. Its devastating to be told that you don't mean anything to the one person that meant everything.

PHEW... Just want to see someones take on this that doesn't know us... Maybe I'm delusional and me doing everything for her was wrong, BUT she had NO ONE, so I felt obligated to take care of my woman. Call me old fashion, but I wanted to make sure she was always taken care of, but able to self sustain (hence college and 2 cars that I bought her) She makes a good living now and I just demoted myself at work to go back to school and she leaves right when my income is less than half of what it was. I have the kids majority of the time because she doesn't even have a place. I just wish she would wake up and come home, I don't care what the hell happened I just want my wife back... but my actual wife, not the psycho that she is right now. I've made up my mind on the filing tomorrow thing, she was hateful to me enough to push me into doing it so she wouldn't have to pay, or didn't have the balls, or whatever. But after she told me that she just woke up one day, didn't love me "just like that" she says, I told her she won, and I wasn't going to put my kids through it or myself. So damn confused... I miss my wife, I hate the newer version of her, I guess I just love the idea of the previous her.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm sorry you're going through this, but i'm glad you found this site jdl. i am dealing with a walk away as well. i can tell you 100% nobody wakes up one day and just falls out of love. could there be somebody else? drug abuse? a history of mental instability? 
it sucks when the person you love turns into a crazy stranger. for your sanity and the sake of your children(do you feel comfortable with them spending time with her in her current state?), try to figure out what caused this change.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Substance abuse never goes away, it is always there, always waiting to be your best friend again...without support and avoiding the "wrong" crowd, it is easy to fall prey to it again...sounds like she has welcomed an old friend back into her life...you can't love booze and drugs while loving another...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

One thing I do see jumping out at me is your attitude that you rescued her. You saved her from a horrible situation, and I have no doubts that it was, but if that attitude somes through towards her, that she should feel grateful to you, her rescuer, then you have big problems. Regardless, the fact that you rescued her and gave her the life she wanted doesn't really matter. She will never see it that way, and every time you point out the things you saved her from, the further you will drive her away, so you really need to clear your thoughts of how you rescued her, because in her mind, you didn't.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Yeah, I noticed the drinking becoming heavy within the past 3 months, it certainly isn't all peaches and cream on my side either, my father was an alchy and my mother a severe drug addict, also divorced when I was 3.

Yes she has a history of Bi-Polar and Depression, but she was fine for 7 out of our 8 years, no meds required... The worst part of it is that I was always her rock and now she resents me for it... I fear for her in so many ways, but she will not listen as she tells me that I'm only being pushy and controlling... My kids will not have the family that We both swore on our own lives to give them, a mother and a father under the same roof who love each other... neither one of us had that so it used to be important, and still is to me. She rationalizes now saying that they'll be ok with it and that we can't continue to argue in our house if they are there (not even in private). Marriage is hard work, and someone should have told her that, god knows all her family examples (literally no marriages exist except her grandmother who was a walk away to the first marriage) are terrible. Her mother controlled her for the first 17 years of her life, made her raise her little sister alone. I PAID bills at their house when I was 18 just so her and her sister would have lights! Now shes right back where she started, on her moms phone plan, living in her house, watching her teenage sister at all times... its sad that she can't see whats unfolding right in front of her. I cannot continue to have false hope though. The woman I knew is gone and is replaced by someone who resents me for all the things I've done, bad and good.

Shes a great mom though, I don't think... well I didn't think that she would ever put them in harms way. Although wanting to move to a shady trailer park and have them 50/50 worries me. I don't want my kids arounds drug addicts, I grew up in that enviroment (just the same as her) and even though I did my share of stupid sh*t in my teens I've been clean for 6 years and barely even drink. I prefer to live with clarity, regardless of how paiful reality can be, not suppression methods.

Hell, I know im only 25, I'm a good looking guy and I got a lot to offer to a woman, I'm a great dad and I love my kids and keep them majority of the time... But its always been her since the moment I saw her, I don't know why, but thats just how it was.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> One thing I do see jumping out at me is your attitude that you rescued her. You saved her from a horrible situation, and I have no doubts that it was, but if that attitude somes through towards her, that she should feel grateful to you, her rescuer, then you have big problems. Regardless, the fact that you rescued her and gave her the life she wanted doesn't really matter. She will never see it that way, and every time you point out the things you saved her from, the further you will drive her away, so you really need to clear your thoughts of how you rescued her, because in her mind, you didn't.


I've never told her she owed me anything, I've never held it over her head or accused her of not being grateful... I've even said that I did it because I loved her and that I was proud of the woman she became. If that wasn't enough to explain how I felt then maybe I am delusional?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

She sounds like she needs IC. The WAW syndrome is triggered from resentment, that sounds like it may have started in her youth with WADad. 

You need to look out for you and maybe learn to 180 a bit for your own strength and sanity.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Also, I'm human. I've never said I was perfect... I've made mistakes and I was an a** at times.

We've both done some crazy stuff to each other, but we've always worked it out and never split up. It doesn't matter I suppose, even though I love her I'm filing because this false hope dragging in my mind that she will realize that I've always been in her corner cheering and not pushing and demanding tribute seems futile at this point. I'm not giving up, I just feel like there's no more room in her heart for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ger toxic friends have got hold of her now and filled her head with all kinds a crap. She is making money now and now all the low lifes are coming out of the wood work to latch on to her...even her side of the family.

So now there alot more influences, be it bad ones at that, she is now in there control will they feed her with drugs and booze. Top that off with a new boyfriend that your wife has now an emotional connection to and she's gone.

Its not often a women will run off without the security of a emotional connection and secuity of affection so make no mistake you have been replaced.

I hope this answers some question you have?

You are fighting this by filing for a D and having her served as soon as possible, so thats great. Now distance your self and show here *another* conseguence by showing that you will no longer be there for her, she is not your problem any more, and don't even think about being friends.

Now is the time to toughen up and show her the indifference she diserves...again another consequence. Start playing hard ball with a shark of a lawyer, and fight for full custody...again another consequence.

I know the kids need there mother, but right now her drug habit and life style are not good for the kids to see.

In time you can lighten up but only when she hits rock bottom that will make her turn the corner and be a better parent...this will take time but with more consequences the soon she may turn that corner.

I suggest you hire a PI and get here new life style documentedit will help you in court.

I understand you have a hard time in punishing the women you love, but with out consequences she will continue to be a toxic parent to your children...she needs consequences to show her she is not what she can be in the future as a ggod mother.

So these consequences are about you marriage now, it getting your kids mother back and it will take some time b/c the hold other/things have on her is strong.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Yeah, I've ceased contact, only time I talk is for kids now. We have one more MC appt and then it's kids only... Sad end to such a great marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

This pal of hers do you think that could be the bad voice of reasoning with her? It just seems like as soon as this person came back into her life she is like this. And obviously her family is trying to manipulate her to come back. Don't do the divorce tell her that your not the one that wants it and that if she wants it so bad she will have to do it all by herself. Get ready to fight for those kids. She will end up messing them up as much as her mom did her.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

I was waiting for her to file, but she's dragging it out, because of money issues. I'm not going to sit in my house depressed while pals around with her friend. And yes, there is not a single doubt that her friend is egging this on. She's our daughters god mother and has hated me from day one because I was always the voice of reason in our now broken circle (her ex fiancée is a good friend if mine)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

JDL8787 said:


> I've never told her she owed me anything, I've never held it over her head or accused her of not being grateful... I've even said that I did it because I loved her and that I was proud of the woman she became. If that wasn't enough to explain how I felt then maybe I am delusional?


See right there? The fact that you even addressed it is being taken as controlling and being held over her. I believe you that you never held it over her head, or said she owes you anything.

What I am reading here, from her point of view could easily be interpreted as "I made you".

Like I said, I know that is not what you are really meaning, but do not underestimate the subtle power of words to someone who is looking to find meaning in them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

have you decided were your wife is going to be served?


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Samy I absolutely agree with you. I wish I didn't come off the way I did sometimes to her because it was never my intention... And her being served, I only know when she's at work (hospital) is that a good idea? God knows what she's doing when she's off -_-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My guess is that several months ago, perhaps 4 or 5 she gave in and started hanging with the lowlifes again and that progressed to her drinking and possibly using again. Along with her hooking up with some guy in that group. Her actions, words etc are all classic cheater actions. Especially the claim about you being controlling and her fears you were watching

When she left the first time it was to be with the OM. He very well may have dumped her, or she may have caught him cheating in her. Either way, she ran back home. She didn't give up the group however and continued drinking and using and likely hooking up.

Given her history and current behavior she's likely back at the drugs which of course could mean loosing her job when they find out.

I would suggest hiring a PI if you could to dig up dirt on what she's up to and who she is doing it with. You need to know this stuff so you can protect your kids,

You should ask your attorney if drug testing can be a requirement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If it was possible, have her followed and have her served at her friends house, or her biyfriends.

But work is good and effective.

Talk to your lawyer about a moral clause that will keep any bad influences around your kids.

have you changed the lock yet?

I still think you need to do some investigation, not knowing what she is doing is not the best way to let her have the kids for a day or even a sleep over some were in some drug den or something.

If there is another guy in her life you will want to know what your exposing your kids to during any type of visitation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Another thing to get control of is the family money. If she's running with the drug crowd again she can burn through cash very fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@Shaggy, me and you are thinking along the same lines, That drug test is a great idea, just need to prove its needed, by documenting her curent life style.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get those locks changed!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You don't want her to lose her job, thats more money out of your pocket to support her.

But then again if get everything in the divorce it won't matter much.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Well I know for a fact she didn't cheat, it's literally impossible, now if she's seen this guy over the past week I have no idea. I'm not in financial position to hire a PI atm so it will just have to play its course. Keep in mind he tried to pick her up, I saw her fb convo with him before she knew I looked and she told him "I don't think you want that problem (me) and to think before you speak next time"

As far as the locks, I'm getting all the keys back and she's a great mom... Or was I don't know what to think anymore. As far as the other guy that she's talking to again, I've already stated that if he get involved I need to meet him before my kids do. She denys any romantic connection to him, and seeing as how she doesn't give a damn about my feelings anymore I don't see any point in her lying, although that remains to be seen.

She may think the grass is greener I suppose. People are always nice in the beginning lol. Difference with me was she knew what she was gettin because we were really good friends for 2 years first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JDL8787 said:


> Shes a great mom though,


You owe me a cup of coffee.

Substance abusers don't make a habit of putting their kids first.

Get some counseling quickly for yourself.

You need to see her for what she really is.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You tell us she *was* a great mother, then you finish with not knowing what she has become. whats concerning is you have no idea how far gone she really is. She will give you the lip service that tells you she still is a good mother, but behind closed door you aren't sure. That could be a dangerous position when it come to letting her have the kids, aspecially at night.

You may need to look for some support be it parent, siblings, and good friends, and get the information that will confirm her ablity to be a good parent when the kids are around her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please get a team together that will give you the support in protecting you and the kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even if you dont have the dough to hire a PI, you can at least do a back round chech on the poeple she is associating with. If these "friends" have a criminla history, it may be ground for supervised visitaion when it comes time to be around your kids.

I mean I'm kind of beating this point to death, but I personaly couldn't see letting my kids go see there mother when I don't even know were she sleeps at night.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

she is not the person you married. she was a good mom. i have 3 kids, and good moms don't behave the way she does. don't put anything past her. if you can't afford a PI, then you and a friend follow her one day. you have to do whats best for you and your children.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Yeah, she *was* I guess the only thing I know is what was and not what is now... I know she's staying at her moms or at least that's what she tells me. I know for a fact that her friend (the girl) is an alcoholic/pill/pot head. I don't let them go willingly but, she's there mother and 9 times out of 10 in my city if push it, I may get the sh*t end of the stick. Judges aren't exactly fair here... Moms usually win, no matter what the case may be. It just kills me that she came so far and now she's allowing all these idiots to influence her behavior. I've given her chance after chance to come home and talk it out, I've only been ignored or met with aggression, tomorrow I'm taking the gloves off but as far as custody, I'm going to discuss that with my lawyer to get my options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MamaVilla (Sep 21, 2012)

the guy said:


> Ger toxic friends have got hold of her now and filled her head with all kinds a crap. She is making money now and now all the low lifes are coming out of the wood work to latch on to her...even her side of the family.
> 
> So now there alot more influences, be it bad ones at that, she is now in there control will they feed her with drugs and booze. Top that off with a new boyfriend that your wife has now an emotional connection to and she's gone.
> 
> ...


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## MamaVilla (Sep 21, 2012)

A person doesn't need another person to leave. Yes, affairs happen but one day a person wakes up and starts believing that the words of change the other person has said are never going to happen. Words are cheap. Woman are vocal it's when she is quiet that you have to start worrying. Then you know something is a miss. Yes, it's great if a man can hold a steady job, but when you stop kissing your wife and holding her hand you break her. Ignoring the kids and never asking her about her day and she hears you la boa about work the marriage becomes one sided. I feel like I am being boxed in a marriage where hurt is all I get from lies and hiding things. So please don't just think there is another person because some people just kill that desire for the person they are hurting.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

Yeah, I found out there was another guy, she moved in with him today... No surprise. Also an update I got custody. Judge wasn't playing games.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## legiox (Sep 2, 2012)

JDL8787 said:


> Yeah, I found out there was another guy, she moved in with him today... No surprise. Also an update I got custody. Judge wasn't playing games.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JDL8787 said:


> Yeah, I found out there was another guy, she moved in with him today... No surprise. Also an update I got custody. Judge wasn't playing games.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I recall you telling us another man was "impossible"

I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

There's something inside of us that tempts us to put our women on pedestals.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

JDL8787 said:


> Then her pals boyfriend pulls up to my house with drinks for them (I can't stand this guy, He lit up some weed in front of my children


I would have lit up like a torch and thrown everyone out at this point. I've done some drugs when I was younger and I'm pretty tolerant about people who want to waste their life away doing drugs.

But if you light up or use drugs in front of my kids and in my house, you better get out quick or else they're going to take you out on a stretcher or body bag and that's no lie.


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