# Desperately seeking help!



## heavenly (Jun 17, 2010)

I am lost, frusterated, and confused. My husband will not look for a better job.

We moved to Kansas so my husband could attend University in his hometown and pursue his dream career. Fisheries Biology.
He graduated in 2007. He worked at Wal-Mart all throughout college. He still works at Wal-Mart...
He has not persued a career in the Biology Field or anything for that matter. Not only has he not pursued anything outside Wal-Mart, he hasn't tried to advance within the company either. 
Finacially we are struggling so bad. I work part-time due to our 2 year old daughter and daycare prices. 
I have tried encouraging him, I have tried staying out of it, I have tried tuff love, I have threatened to leave, and I have actually gone on line and applied for jobs for him. 
His lack of ambition to take care of his family and grow in life, like own a house rather than living in a small apartment with no yard, and not live paycheck to paycheck, and have stability for our daughter and future children breaks my heart. 
I even called his parents (very embarrassing, we are adults, 29 years old) to try to get them to talk to him and encourage him in the right direction, and they have yet to do so.
He is a wonderful father, yet very childish and self centered at times. Did I mention that we are stuck with $300.00 student loan payments? 
I don't care anymore if it's in Biology. Just anything better. Please help me! Where do I go from here? (tears)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Unfortunately, you married someone with no drive. Nothing will make him be who he isn't. So your choices are to become the one with the high income yourself, or leave him, or accept this life.

Sometimes it takes a big shakeup to wake them up and make them grow up, like leaving.

The only other thing you can do is find out WHY he won't change. Does he truly love his job there? Does he have personal issues that make him afraid to change? Did he decide he really doesn't like the idea of being a biologist? Communication is the only real answer here.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

turnera said:


> Unfortunately, you married someone with no drive. Nothing will make him be who he isn't. So your choices are to become the one with the high income yourself, or leave him, or accept this life.
> 
> Sometimes it takes a big shakeup to wake them up and make them grow up, like leaving.
> 
> The only other thing you can do is find out WHY he won't change. Does he truly love his job there? Does he have personal issues that make him afraid to change? Did he decide he really doesn't like the idea of being a biologist? Communication is the only real answer here.


Oh the ultimate irony. I got out of my marriage - to an intelligent, friendly, affable, genial, kindly, nice, well meaning, and ultimately verging on BORING guy with no drive other than in a car..... what did he do? Shellfish biologist. Had been since before going to college, was until he took retirement. No drive. Doubt there's actually a connection, it was just a humungous irony given my strife with my hugely driven, successful, stressed, aggressive, oversensitive, OH. No lack of drive there. Just don't think he'll ever really want to live with me. Anyway that's to my story. Ho hum fisheries biologists!


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## heavenly (Jun 17, 2010)

turnera said:


> Unfortunately, you married someone with no drive. Nothing will make him be who he isn't. So your choices are to become the one with the high income yourself, or leave him, or accept this life.
> 
> Sometimes it takes a big shakeup to wake them up and make them grow up, like leaving.
> 
> The only other thing you can do is find out WHY he won't change. Does he truly love his job there? Does he have personal issues that make him afraid to change? Did he decide he really doesn't like the idea of being a biologist? Communication is the only real answer here.


Your right. Everything you said. Only we have communicated about it. A LOT. He doesn't love the job he's in, he still wants to be a fisheries biologist, however, he claims it's out of fear of rejection. Yet, filling out applications on the internet is not rejection, it takes a little bit of time. He always has an ecuse. Love him or leave him, right? That is the question. 

I do think I will have to leave for him for him to do anything productive, even then he may not. I just don't want my daughter growing up without her daddy. He's a wonderful daddy and she loves him very much. 

Thanks everybody for your response. Nice to know other people care ;o).


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have zero drive for employment, too. funny because im a biology major. must be something about us biologists...luckily im a girl so my lassitude is not quite as frowned upon. and i married a very ambitious guy. It could be that this is just who your H is and it doesnt complement with you very well. My lack of ambitious is not so pronounced because my H is very ambitious and doesnt care if i work or not. 

You can always encourage him to go to graduate school. That is what im doing because i dont want to look for a job. you really cant get much of a job with an undergraduate biology degree. If he goes to graduate school he can also work as a teacher and/or work in a lab. Lab experience will help him immensely. That way they pay tuition and they pay a yearly salary. Its not much but its probably better then walmart. It will definitely increase his marketability. If he has no lab experience he's going to find it very difficult to find a job in his field.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or you could get him to a life coach who can build up his self esteem. That's where I'm at with my husband - he won't go out and pursue jobs because he's lost faith in himself.


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## faithsway (Aug 28, 2012)

I had my Son 2 years ago. I stopped working when i was 7 months pregnant; due to some medical issues i developed while pregnant.
I had preeclampsia, Gestational diabetes, High Blood Pressure, and Congestive heart Failure.
I thank God I am alive, but i am now managing some of the medical problem i developed.

My husband has been taking care of most of our bills, except for medical bills for me and my son. Also, he said since i am a stay at home mom, i do not need anything, except for food and a roof over my head. He finds it difficult to buy food in the house, because he claims he cannot afford buying food because he owes a lot of debt. (He is in Debt Settlement).
I am from another country (Nigeria). Most of the debt my husband owes he incurred them before i got here to the United States. I got to the United States in 2009.
I found out he added my name in his debt settlement, because I am his wife.

Whenever I tried to get a job my husband is always against it, he said, there is no way for me to get to the job, since we have just one car. And that is the car he takes to work.
Also, he said taking our son to day care costs a lot of money which means all the money I will be making will go straight to paying for day care. So it is useless for me to get a job. And it makes sense for me to be a stay at home mom with a roof over my head and food.

I got admission into Kaplan university to Study business Administration online (Bachelor’s degree), but my husband discouraged me from going further with my studies, so I cancelled my admission, the reason is because, the school fees is $66.000. (Sixty Six thousand dollars). I qualified for financial aid, but it is not enough to cover the school fees. Financial aid is $5,500 for a year. That means by the time I complete my degree program, I will get about $22,000 financial aid, but I will be left to pay the remaining $ 44,000. This scared me so much and I had to drop out from the program.
I do not have any money of my own. How do I pay for college? Although I am told I do qualify for student loan, but thinking of $44,000 in debt scared me so bad.

Concerning acquiring a car, I told my husband we should stop paying for cable, which is $199 a month (Cable, Internet and home phone). I told him we should only get home phone and internet. We can watch regular TV until I get a job to start supporting him. But he refused. He told me that since I only have my learners permit, he cannot afford to add me in his insurance
My husband makes $2500 a month.

I have health issues, and I do not have health Insurance. My son does not have Health insurance too.
I am so confused. I feel I am in a hole and I have no way out.
My husband works 5 days a week. When he is off he just wants to relax and later in the evening go to the store to shop for the week. Shopping for food is the only recreation I and my son have.
I am losing my mind. I do not know what to do, Wherever I turn there is always a blockade. Please I need some advice or I will lose my mind.
I can’t even go to church because I do not have a ride. I have lost interest in watching TV or just sitting around. I and my husband no longer make love for the past 10 months, because I think he has lost interest in me, even when I talked to him about it, he told me he has so much on his mind.
My husband owes about $20,000 in debt.
Please some body advises me on what to do to change this situation, because it seems there is no way out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

faithsway, don't go to Kaplan. It's a ripoff. Find the closest junior college or community college and go there. Start taking classes there. Start doing odd jobs around your neighborhood for money (my MIL ironed clothes for people) and start a savings account to put the money into. Do NOT give that money to your husband. Focus on your future on your own and, if he wakes up and comes along, fine. If not, you'll still be better off.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My DD21 is attending a regular 4-year university, public (state-provided), and it's costing around $20,000 a year including room and board, which is fairly cheap. But when she had to take a summer course, she went to our local junior college, and it cost $300! ANYONE with money issues should ALWAYS go to a junior college for the first 2 years, unless they can get grants and scholarships for the regular school.


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