# My wife cheated, and now I'm the one pleading to work it out...help please



## Ry2011 (Nov 3, 2011)

I've been with my wife for seven years now, officially married a little over two years now. We have two little girls together ages 5 1/2 and 22 months. She's been unhappy on and off for years, has dealt with anxiety her entire life, and her moods are always up and down from minute to minute. Still, I love her with all my heart and always have. I discovered this past Saturday she was cheating on me with a younger man that didn't care if she was married with children. I was and am devastated about this but I don't want to lose her or my family. Why should I be punished now and not get to see my children everyday because she decided to cheat on me. Why do I have to leave my house, leave everything I love and have in this life. Although she is now dealing with regret I have told her I still love her and am willing to forgive and build a stronger marriage with some professional guidance. She's not sure if she wants to do that, and I "think" part of the reason may be due to not wanting to sit there and be the one who cheated. She paints a picture of our marriage as we're to different and argue all the time. We have our share of arguments, but nothing out of control or physical. She's my best friend and I don't want to lose her now. What do I do now?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Lose your fear of losing your wife is the first step. As long as you do she'll have the cards. Once that fear is gone you'll hold the cards. Take your posts to the Infidelity section and they'll have more detailed advice.


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## Ry2011 (Nov 3, 2011)

I know, I'm the fool here and I am terrified of losing my wife. Its like she wants to separate but she doesn't want me to go and be alone. She can't even make it with the kids as it is now, and I do a lot of the work alongside her. My 5 1/2 year old is already a little fragile as she shows signs of possibly having some of the same anxiety traits my wife has. If I leave its going confuse her, and man I just want her to be the happiest little girl...not sad. I don't know I guess I just feel like a big fool now. Thought she loved me for the long haul, through thick and thin. She doesn't communicate to save her life, only interested in talking to other people about me and lives on Facebook.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Time to make some decisions. First turn the anger and fear into action by consulting a divorce attorney. A spouse that does this has not problem screwing you over. Protect your rights a father and take the fight to her. Some folks might recommmd MC I say if you have any shred of dignity left then move on from this. The affair may stop but the thought of another man intimate with your wife will always be in the back of your mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

If yoiu truly want to stay, lay down the groundwork to move foward. No contact with this guy, she has to hand over all passwords to cell phone records, and social sites. You need to know all t he dirty truth of how this started, how long its been, etc, etc. And draw a lind in the sand, stating 1 more time, divorce is the results, and that's final.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Ry2011 said:


> Why should I be punished now and not get to see my children everyday because she decided to cheat on me. Why do I have to leave my house, leave everything I love and have in this life.


I personally feel this is one of the saddest parts when a marriage breaks down... especially when one of the spouses feels this way. I know when my H and I went through it, missing my H was not at my top of what I missed the most... It was getting to see my children everyday, it was my house, it was my life as I knew it completely turned upside down. Don't get me wrong, I love my H, but he was willing to throw it all away so I could not focus on getting him back, nor did I want to at that time. I focused on the parts I still had some control over. If your W is not willing or wanting to work on your marriage, you should definitely see what you can do about securing those things you mention... Your children, your marital home and belongings.


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## Ry2011 (Nov 3, 2011)

Cherry, I guess I don't exactly know where we stand quite yet. I'm kind of taking bits and pieces of the advice given through this thread. I still want her to see and know I am here for her, and willing to stand by her while we work through the issues, but at the same time I am definitely not going to be the one trying to motivate her to choose that. I think in her mind its she's fallen out of love with me and doesn't believe that love can be found again. I'm pretty sure that's not true but what do I know. I'm not going to just run out of the house either at this point like I was prepared to do the other day. I have a friend who's been down this road two times now, and each time him and his wife separated she's come back within a month or two. Both times she changed her tune and came back to him. The question that still lumes I don't understand is if she was in the wrong, and I'm willing to stand by her through this time why wouldn't she jump at the chance? She admits profoundly the whole thing was a mistake and she feels terrible about it. I guess she says she was slowly on her way out for awhile now, even before the affair. My problem is if there were issues in our marriage that made her so unhappy, why not just confront all that with me and say we either need to separate or get some help to work on things? If we ultimately don't work things out, I'm going to have a really difficult time trying to answer my girls' questions some day on why this happened. Well, mom didn't think the family was worth fighting for, mom didn't this. I mean I guess it would be easier for me because I will have done everything I know to have tried to prevent it. I guess I'm old school and look at marriage as a lasting commitment through thick and thin. Not just well I have two kids and this isn't what I envisioned for my life at this point so I'm going to see if there's something better out there.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Ry2011 said:


> The question that still lumes I don't understand is if she was in the wrong, and I'm willing to stand by her through this time why wouldn't she jump at the chance? She admits profoundly the whole thing was a mistake and she feels terrible about it.


Ry,

This is an excellent question and I have spent quite a bit of time wondering about this myself. In my humble opinion, your w finds herself in an emotional gridlock due to not understanding how humans operate. Lots of people think, like your wife, that they act the way they feel when in reality, people feel the way they act. So she waits for some feeling to occur, but this is never going to happen. Assuming you would like for her to feel emotionally connected, to the extent that you can help her to act connected, she will begin to feel connected. You can do this through an activity called emotional bidding. Take a look at this: Get Your ANGRIES Out


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Don't be too eager to jump into something else or you might find your situation repeating all over again. Take some time to find out and become happy and comfortable with who YOU are. only then can you see what is better.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is a tough one, but it's clear what you need to do.

You need to take a stand. You can do this while still loving your wife and showing her affection. But at the same time, you need to tell her what you can and cannot live with while still being married to her. Tell her if she does X, Y, Z, you will have to divorce her and fight for the kids. If she chooses to do X, Y, Z anyway, then you have to follow through.

Women respect men who are decisive and command respect. 

Now, while she sits there and decides between you and XYZ, you go out and man up. Go to the gym, laugh with your friends. Exude confidence. Show your wife by your actions the strong person you are. This will be attractive to her and may sway her your way. But do NOT plead with her, or give in once you set your conditions.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

I think that you can not recover from infidelity if the wayward spouse is not the one wanting the recovery and driving the boat of remorse etc. If you have to beg/plead and drag the wayward back into the marriage it is doomed to failure.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Ry, you have the right to be angry, she unilaterally has made the decision to put you at the disadvantage and pile the pain of her infidelity on you.

I found this site helpful when I learned of my W's infidelity

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

If she is has remorse then you have a choice, hoewver she likely will not acknowdledge her wrongdoing as long as she is in the fog of her affair because to her it felt good and made her happy, and with her marriage she doesn't so how could any betrayed spouse compete with that? In my case I was willing to work through this with my W, however I realize now it takes a long time for the wayward to get back to reality (if they ever do at all) and during that period, even after her affair (the one at the time) ended she still never looked back and so that choice was taken out of my hands.

Begging and pleading will not win your W back, no matter what you think the reason for her affair, it is about attraction and respect so until you get your own self respect back you will never have her attraction, and as long as she doesn't try to own her own self respect you will lose whatever attraction you think you have to her right now. So no matter what, you have one path for success and that is to take care of what you need right now. Don't leave your home, don't leave your kids, stop pandering to her needs, if she wants to let her be the one to go.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

It's only been a very short time since the affair, right? What you have described is very normal, this is how it starts. She already checkout out of the marriage or she wouldn't have had an affair to begin with. She is not going to snap back quickly and be into the marriage again after what's happened. It takes time. She probably doesn't know what to do at this point since she screwed up so badly and she is likely emotionally withdrawn. It could take weeks or months for her to check back in and fully commit, and actually do meaningful things that help the rebuilding process. You just live your life right now, act as normal as you can, and act like someone she would want to be with....someone who is strong and confident. You should NOT pursue her. You need to live your life like you don't really need her, but be friendly and engaging with her as much as possible, like you would with a sister. You need to pull back. Do things with friends too. Show her your life can go on with or without her. It's really tough. On the one hand, you are the one who got screwed over and you are the one doing work right now. It is not fair, and that's the way it goes. It's very unfair! I've been in the same spot - I'm three months out since D day from a PA. I've tried to do all the things I've described above...sometimes I can do them, and sometimes I can't. When I do those things right, the marraige gets better. But I cannot stress this enough - it takes lots of time! But remember this is a snapshot of your life, a very difficult time at this moment, and it won't always be like this. Your life will be fine, eventually. Don't "work" too hard on getting her back right now. Just do the responsible things you need to do for yourself and your family, and see what happens. Do not beg, plead, ask for lots of reassurance, or anything like that. You're just going to have to live day-to-day for awhile and see how it goes. And you need to go to counseling with her, and go separately as well. It will help immensely, as long as you find the right counselor. You'll know whether it's the right one or not, if you both feel better after seeing him/her. If it doesn't help, switch to someone else. I know from experience - a bad therapist can make things worse. Keep in mind, the good ones will not usually focus too much on the affair, but they will focus on the breakdown that happened that led to where you are now. Tell your wife that. A good therapist will not point fingers. If she won't go together, at least encourage her to go on her own and tell her you're going too, on your own. That's a start.


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## Ry2011 (Nov 3, 2011)

Man, that is the best advice I've gotten so far. I really appreciate it. Over the last 24 hours I have found myself moving towards this direction a little. This thread and another I had posted in another section is really been huge for me emotionally. Never thought this would be me, sitting here using web to help me get through this first week but wow its amazing. Thanks everyone for all of your advice and input.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

Ry2011 said:


> Man, that is the best advice I've gotten so far. I really appreciate it. Over the last 24 hours I have found myself moving towards this direction a little. This thread and another I had posted in another section is really been huge for me emotionally. Never thought this would be me, sitting here using web to help me get through this first week but wow its amazing. Thanks everyone for all of your advice and input.


You're welcome. I feel your pain man. I'm sure everyone here never thought they would be here looking for advice. I would suggest confiding in a really good friend that will listen while you go through this. You need a good emotional outlet, someone you can tell everything to. She can't be that for you right now. You're going to have major ups and downs...some days you will be hopeful and others you will not. Recognize this and accept it and just live. Call a friend when you're feeling down, and don't go to her to make you feel better. She doesn't have much to give you at the moment. But, she's already shown you something that's very positive and hopeful - she has actually shown some remorse already, which is a great sign. I didn't get that for awhile, and a lot of people in our situation wait a long time to get that. Build on that in your mind, but don't ask for it. Let her come to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ry,
Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. I too never thought I'b be here, 1st I cant type, 2nd I cant spell but after the crap my chick put me through I'm here.

In my experience perception is everything and in the attampt to save my marriage I found indifference worked best, and the confidence I percieved in moving on with out my WW was permount in showing her the power I had in my self.

Do not make the biggest mistake by begging and crying for your marriage. It will empower your W and enable her to continue in her unhealthy behavior.

Enpower your self with confidence, wish your W the best if she wishes to continue the cheating, and inform her you are looking for something better. Again you will be 100% commited to the marriage as long as she returns in kind, *but* you have no probelm moving on if she chooses to continue.

The thing here is preventive maintence, as remorseful as she may seem she must see a confident and strong alpha male that can easly move on, and that it is in her best interest to do the heavy lift to grow old with a man that will love her *you*.

I found that having the additude that you are now doing her a favor by staying and it won't take much for you to bail on her if she doesn't help you heal from the pain she caused worked for me.

With your own empowerment will come respect. Respect is commanded and no matter what, never let her know how scared you are of losing her. Face it chicks dig confident men.

Me being a total @ss whole in my marriage, my wife looked at me when I started crying and begging for the marriage after d-day, "like now you cry, were where your when I was crying"? I knew right then and there, it was time to man up and take control and empower my self. In some way I came to term of losing her, and excepted the fact.

In my case my WW now saw a new man that was capable of moving on with out her and it sure made her second guess her unhealthy choices.

Once you can come to terms with just letting them go, they seem to change there tune and do the work to help you heal. At least in my case. I guess when you spend 20 years acting like you don't give a damb about your wife it's easy to be indifferent, and have the additude that you can take them or leave them.

Yes this behavior was why my wife was sleeping with all these men (my indiference to our marriage), but when the both of you now know what the other is cabable of and the both of you make a commitment to a healthier marriage with healthier behaviors then things can change for the better.

My main point here is confidence brother...it gets them to think twice on what they do next.

Just my $0.02


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