# If we are separated, IS IT CHEATING?



## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

When I discovered my H's EA in January, I was already in a terrible place. I honestly didn't think life could get worse, and then the rug got pulled out from under me. I cried, pleaded, begged, and threatened to leave, but didn't have the strength.
We agreed to separate a month ago, and I'm actually doing O.K. The 180 has been a great tool, and I'm feeling a lot better about myself.
Well, a very attractive business associate (ABA) asked me to breakfast tomorrow. We have met for breakfast before, and it has been professional with the exception of talking about our kids. Shortly after my separation, I ran into "ABA" at a kids' event, and we hung out and started talking about things a bit more personal. He was looking for a short-term lease; marriage trouble. I confided that we were going through the same. There was definitely a spark. I actually physically backed away b/c it was such a foreign feeling. Haven't see or spoken to him again until yesterday.
I have NEVER in 19 years broken my marriage vows, and have never prior to this year felt jealous or suspicious of my H, or thought that he would cheat on me. I should mention that my H and the OW supposedly ended the affair after I discovered them, but since we are separated, I have laid off the detective work.
So, back to "ABA." I may be jumping the gun a bit, but what if he asks me out? I am separated because my H is confused about what he wants. I thought I wanted our marriage to work. The separation was completely out of left field and has devastated me. BUT as the counseling continues and the layers peel back, I wonder what I am doing with this selfish, emotionally underdeveloped man-child. REALLY? Why shouldn't I feel loved and desired?:scratchhead: What do you think???


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I think it depends on the reason for the separation and what you and H discussed beforehand.
Personally, I wouldn't date someone else if my marriage is in limbo. But that's just me.
Everyone is different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's another thread going on about this very topic... So I'll post what I posted in there. I was only separated for awhile when I started dating... But I'm trying to keep it in mind that this relationship will probably be best as a casual sort of thing, regardless of the feelings that are developing. From what I've heard, rebound relationships are not high-percentage ones.

Having said that, I WOULDN'T date if I was at all interested in reconciling. I think it would drastically reduce the odds of making the marriage work, the same as trying to work on a marriage if the OP is still involved.

Technically, I think this could be considered cheating. We're still married, and what you do now CAN affect you going forward. Find out about the legal side from someone in your area, and think about how you think your spouse will react if he hears.

C


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## 3girls2luv (Apr 15, 2011)

My case is similar except my wife had declared 1) separation few weeks prior 2) was still living in the same house, while she was looking for another place 3) hide the dating activities from me (I found out by accident) 4) had "2nd-base" with another guy when I confront her with evidence. When confronted with fact #4, she went into a rage, justifying her emotional and intimate needs given our separation. She expressed remorse, i.e., "not proud but not shame either..". 
I considered this cheating, according to my book, and this rubbed salt to my wound (I was grief at the time). A friend of mine said it's not cheating since she told me about the separation ahead of time. Her action is inexcuseable in my opinion. Prior to this, I was still loved her. Now, I am not sure if I want her back since she acted only according to her emotion and threw our trust and respect out of the window.


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## fatiguedfatherof4 (Apr 28, 2011)

About 10 years ago we were separated (we've since been back together) and I found out, through friends, that she had been with SEVERAL partners while we were separated but STILL MARRIED!
Once confronted she 'fessed up to a total of 9 men, that she could recall (she claims alcohol and depression because of our split).
I think it's cheating if you are still married with or without a chance of a reconcile.... why cant you wait til its final?
Oh, her excuse is ALWAYS, "we werent together at that time!" What do you think? Is that a bs answer or an excuse someone used to f**k everybody and anybody she wanted to.
WOW, now that I typed that it reminded me how f***in depressed I was about that... s**t.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I think it depends on the reason for the separation and what you and H discussed beforehand.
> Personally, I wouldn't date someone else if my marriage is in limbo. But that's just me.
> Everyone is different.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess the reason for the separation is to give him "space" to figure out what he wants. Apparently, that's going out every night with the guys, seeing he kids when it's convenient, and blowing through all our money.
I hope he comes around. I hope he finds his compass. I hope he gets out of the fog.
As far as discussing dating prior to our separation, he said he was not interested, but at this stage I believe VERY little of what he says. I suggested we revisit the possibility monthly.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> From what I've heard, rebound relationships are not high-percentage ones.


I agree the odds are not good, but I am not looking for a relationship at this stage. I guess I'm just looking for some attention, a distraction from the heartache.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

3girls2luv said:


> I considered this cheating, according to my book, and this rubbed salt to my wound (I was grief at the time). A friend of mine said it's not cheating since she told me about the separation ahead of time. Her action is inexcuseable in my opinion.


My H has already broken our vows and broken my heart. I am open to reconciling, but my pre-rec list is pretty long.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

fatiguedfatherof4 said:


> Once confronted she 'fessed up to a total of 9 men, that she could recall (she claims alcohol and depression because of our split).


Wow! That's off the deep end! I'm just trying to figure out if it's okay to have breakfast! Yes, it could lead to more . . . Alcohol and depression are issues for both my H and I, but I face my issues, whereas he self-medicates. 


fatiguedfatherof4 said:


> I think it's cheating if you are still married with or without a chance of a reconcile.... why cant you wait til its final?


I've never been unfaithful, never even thought about it. If anyone ever approached me, I'd laugh and say 'I'm SOOOOOO Married!" I 've always been really proud of our relationship. I thought we were in it for the long haul. Now I'm just sad and lonely. Yes, I can wait.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't believe any reason is valid as long as you are still married. My question is always "Are you married?" To me, a simple yes to that question negates any reason a person can come up with that would make dating okay. Married is married. Period.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I don't believe any reason is valid as long as you are still married. My question is always "Are you married?" To me, a simple yes to that question negates any reason a person can come up with that would make dating okay. Married is married. Period.


I get it. Thank you.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

It depends on if you can save the marriage or not. If not, date away. If you want to save the marriage, then don't.

I am dating somebody now. My ex is still seeing the skank he had the affair with. Divorce papers are being filed this week. I am happy to get closure finally.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you have any inkling of wanting to restore your marriage, my advice is don't date. If you are totally done, date away, but be sure you have paperwork filed and whatnot. 

Going through a separation is very traumatic and you are not your usual self. Don't expect to find a lasting relationship during this time though.

Some people will say go for it. Others will tell you "married is married is married."


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

It depends on the agreement between spouses.

Personally, I wouldn't do it for my own piece of mind. I'd want to be able to say that I remained faithful the entire marriage. Flirting is a-ok if you're going through divorce though.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If you have any inkling of wanting to restore your marriage, my advice is don't date. If you are totally done, date away, but be sure you have paperwork filed and whatnot.


I never wanted the separation, but now that we are separated, I am feeling VERY different. I'm realizing how badly he treated me, it wasn't like physical abuse, more with disregard or disrespect. I became the nanny. I actually think the kids and I see more of him now that we are separated because there is a schedule and accountability. I'd love to have my husband back (the guy I married and agreed to raise a family with), but he's lost his compass, and I don't know if he'll ever find it.

Our agreement is to separate and go to weekly MC for 6 months. No contacting attorneys. But the "dating" topic has been avoided. I'm doing the 180, I feel good about myself, I feel attractive, people are noticing. I don't think I'd ever actually sleep with someone else, but I wouldn't mind going on a date. It would be selfish; but I'd like the attention.



> Personally, I wouldn't do it for my own piece of mind. I'd want to be able to say that I remained faithful the entire marriage. Flirting is a-ok if you're going through divorce though.


I understand that, but I already have bragging rights. I have remained faithful for almost 20 years. Maybe now i just want to get even:-(


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

BIP said:


> So, back to "ABA." I may be jumping the gun a bit, but what if he asks me out?


Wow. That's not what I expected. I met "ABA" for breakfast; he had his ipad and work stuff, as he does whenever we have met before. As soon as we sat down, he got very serious. He said that he's always felt a real connection to me, blah, blah, blah. And then he told me that he has stage 4 cancer, and is starting treatment next week. We sat there for 1 1/2 hours, and didn't say a word about work. I'm devastated; I like this guy so much, and I DON'T mean in a sexual way. I really think he's a great guy, and if I were happily married, I'd feel the same. He's only 44, and his kids are the same ages as mine. This just sucks!
I left breakfast and went straight to my therapist. When I finished my session, there were 2 texts from ABA on my phone. He wants to see me tomorrow to actually work on the stuff we didn't get to today.
I don't understand my feelings. Wow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BIP, in your case, I would date. Because your HUB is still carrying on with OW. Have at it!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> BIP, in your case, I would date. Because your HUB is still carrying on with OW. Have at it!


Wow, JB, I wouldn't have expected that from you. Thanks!
I'm really hurting right now, just a crappy day all around. The uncertainty is killing me.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

BIP said:


> Wow, JB, I wouldn't have expected that from you. Thanks!
> I'm really hurting right now, just a crappy day all around. The uncertainty is killing me.


So in addition to the continued affair, the drinking, the drug use I learned about last week, I now have evidence of a porn/sexting issue. Does anyone know anything about professional sex talk or sexting? I assume u pay by credit card. How much is it?? He's out if town on business, and it looks like he had 3 different possible sexting (escorts) conversations going on, as well as texting the OW, my son, AND me! I see it on the phone record, but no charges on the bill or credit cards. What do you think?? Other than I should cancel his phone plan . . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I imagine it would be very expensive, BIP but I can't say cause I don't know really...

In your situation your H is carrying on w/ her and escorts right in front of your face. I would seriously file for D and tell him to get lost and then date all you want. You sound like a stand up gal who deserves some happiness in her life.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I imagine it would be very expensive, BIP but I can't say cause I don't know really...
> 
> In your situation your H is carrying on w/ her and escorts right in front of your face. I would seriously file for D and tell him to get lost and then date all you want. You sound like a stand up gal who deserves some happiness in her life.


The saddest thing is,* I really thought I was happy!* Hard times and personal loss, but I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and I thought we'd come out the other side holding hands.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

So now I'm home, hanging in the chat room with you all, and texting my "Attractive Business Associate" with cancer who starts his treatments Monday:-(
He came by my house today and picked up my file with all my homemade P.I. crap: phone records, text records, escort service website downloads, bank records, etc. He told me he's keeping it until I'm ready to see an attorney. He's afraid if I have it I'll "do something stupid" and trip my hand. He's such a good guy.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> BIP, in your case, I would date. Because your HUB is still carrying on with OW. Have at it!


I'm sorry. I don't agree with this. How can you justify cheating on your husband by the fact that he's cheating? Because he's choosing to do something doesn't make it right for you to do the same thing. Again, are you still married? If so, then it's not right for married people to date...under any circumstances.


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I'm sorry. I don't agree with this. How can you justify cheating on your husband by the fact that he's cheating? Because he's choosing to do something doesn't make it right for you to do the same thing. Again, are you still married? If so, then it's not right for married people to date...under any circumstances.


I used to feel this way too. I had every intention of honoring my marriage vows till the bitter end. But after months and months of my wife going out every weekend with the OM having a great time while I sat home alone with our 3 year old feeling crappy about life, my views have changed. IMO when the spouse starts cheating they are sending a clear moral message that the marriage is over. Maybe legally it's not over but morally it's over. Or at least on a moral hiatus. Most of us did not choose for our marriage to be in the position it's in we're just trying to survive here. And honestly the one date I've been on since this all began was the closest I got to feeling normal again in 6 months.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I'm sorry. I don't agree with this. How can you justify cheating on your husband by the fact that he's cheating? Because he's choosing to do something doesn't make it right for you to do the same thing. Again, are you still married? If so, then it's not right for married people to date...under any circumstances.


I'm not sure, which is why I put it out there. Things are changing so rapidly for us, circumstances have changed dramatically since I began the thread. We started counseling 3/1, and I prayed everyday for my marriage to work, for him to stay. Now I know that he has a drug habit, is hiring prostitutes, gambling, you name it. We have agreed to wait 6 months before contacting attorneys. Now I would really like him to use the 5 remaining months to address his addictions and get help BEFORE we file and go to court to fight over custody. He's no longer my husband, the man I married and agreed to raise a family with. He is just a co-parent, loving and devoted to his kids but really messed up, and a terrible roll model. IF he were to stop his drinking, cheating, lying, wh***ing, drug abusing, I Would be happy to share custody, and we could be friendly. I don't, sadly, think I could ever reconcile with this sleezebag. He'd have to make a pretty miraculous turn around. Meanwhile, I'm not looking for a relationship, but if a nice guy wants to take me to a movie, can I go without feeling guilty?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Oh, and just an aside. I took my jewelry off the other day to clean it, and there was a BLACK ring around my wedding band finger. How's that for a physiological response to stress??? Well, I've decided that Im no longer wearing my wedding band, the one he gave me when he promised me eternity. Instead, I am wearing a simple gold band that I bought for myself. It represents first and foremost, that I am a married women, and that for 20 years I have been committed, honest and true. I believe in marriage, I believed in MY marriage, but I dont believe in my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I too thought about getting even. But then reality set in. knew I could stoop to the level my wife had and had pride in the fact I'd remained faithful. I also didn't want to complicate in any way a chance to reconcile.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I say, if dating takes you away from all this madness, at least for a little while, do it. I agree with lost dad - legal doesn't mean anything if the marriage is not a loving moral one. It's just a piece of paper not worth the ink it's written on if you do not have a loving, respectful and meaningful relationship and he has seriously ignored his marriage vows. I say go to the movies with a date and try to have a great time, if at least for a few hours. Really, how long are you supposed to sit around and wait being miserable. This is not your doing. Just my .02 worth. I wish you the best.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BIP, I take back what I said about 'having at it."

I think right now you should concentrate on being done with this BS and then date away. 

Your H is a piece of work. Hi m and his OW and all his escorts. Set the example for your kids cause he sure as hell isn't. Just be done with him and move on!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I still don't think that there is anything wrong with going out on a date considering the alternative (staying home in self pity). Nothing has to happen, nothing physical; I just think it would be a good distraction from bad thoughts right now. Setting a good example for the kids is always a priority, but do they really need to know anyting except that mom is going out. I don't know, everyone is different but I may be thinking selfishly here but it seems like you deserve a little bit of a break. At least for an evening.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

I noticed yesterday that my H wasn't wearing his ring. We were at my son's baseball game (he's the coach), and I'm sitting with our parents and a bunch friends. I had to run to the restroom throw up. Then I thought MAYBE he takes it off for baseball. Then tonight we were doing the kids shuffle, and I saw he wasn't wearing it. When we had a moment alone, I said "I wish you had told me you were taking off your wedding ring. It was very hurtful to have to see that at the game in front of everyone." 
And he said, "I didn't think you'd care because of all things you've been saying people about me. I'm sorry. I can put it back on if you want." I walked out crying.
( wish I knew why I'm crying so hard right now)
1/2 hour later he came upstairs and said in not a nice way "Sorry W, I'm really sorry I upset you, but it was upsetting to hear that you can't imagine ever sleeping in the same bed as me again."

Which is EXACTLY what I told to his BBF/OW when she called. I said, in context, "Right now I can't imagine ever sleeping in the same bed with him, I have too much self respect., but we have to do what's best for our kids. If you were REALLY his friend, you'd stop enabling him and encourage him to get into a treatment program." I said it. BUT the b****H called me and caught me off guard.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I still don't think that there is anything wrong with going out on a date considering the alternative (staying home in self pity). Nothing has to happen, nothing physical; I just think it would be a good distraction from bad thoughts right now. Setting a good example for the kids is always a priority, but do they really need to know anyting except that mom is going out. I don't know, everyone is different but I may be thinking selfishly here but it seems like you deserve a little bit of a break. At least for an evening.


The where to go part is so hard! We are a pretty high profile couple in a small town. If I were to go out in public with another man here, there would be gossip. If we were to drive out of the area, I feel like I'm sneaking around. If I invited an OM over to my house when the kids are gone, I'd feel like a sl*t. So for right now, I guess I have to stick to "breakfast meetings," and pity parties, like last night.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

BIP said:


> The where to go part is so hard! We are a pretty high profile couple in a small town. If I were to go out in public with another man here, there would be gossip. If we were to drive out of the area, I feel like I'm sneaking around. If I invited an OM over to my house when the kids are gone, I'd feel like a sl*t. So for right now, I guess I have to stick to "breakfast meetings," and pity parties, like last night.


You have a very similar thought process as myself. Although I haven't really considered dating, I've had these thoughts primarily as it relates to my wife. We're not a "high profile" couple but we are extremely familiar to the majority of people here in our small/medium sized town (40,000). 

Also, I still wear my ring so that might cause some issue for someone to see with someone other than my wife, no matter the situation. This goes back to the question I asked you in an earlier post and one that I ask myself, "Are you still married?"


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> This goes back to the question I asked you in an earlier post and one that I ask myself, "Are you still married?"


Sadly, I don't know. His taking his ring off (after just one month of separation) is a pretty symbolic gesture. He called today to say he "would love" us all to go to church tomorrow! The church we were MARRIED in. Maybe he is schizophrenic!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I took my ring off the week after she told me she was through and wanted a divorce. She said that I was boring and not a fun person to be around - WOW really! After 36 yrs. My entire adult life, dedication, 3 great kids, just threw it away. So, i guess if I was 30 i would be patient and live in limbo for quite a while but really, i am 50 and I cant just sit around watching time tick away. People tell me i dont look my age but i dont care, i'm still 50. So, i guess i just had enough of hearing what i don't do right. I am moving on. We are on the best of terms but i know her well, she's done with our marriage. I am pretty sure it would be much more difficult for me if i still had young ones so i would never judge anyone on here but for me it's goimg to.be a few months to better myself then dating. By the way i still love her dearly but you cant force anyone to love you back so i have to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I took my ring off the week after she told me she was through and wanted a divorce. She said that I was boring and not a fun person to be around - WOW really! _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got that, too. I will admit I was suffering from depression. I had chronic foot pain for 18 months. No fun!!! Even though I was being treated for both, I went thru a period of irritability and resentment. Who'd want to come home to that?


brighterlight said:


> After 36 yrs. My entire adult life, dedication, 3 great kids, just threw it away. So, i guess if I was 30 i would be patient and live in limbo for quite a while but really, i am 50 and I cant just sit around watching time tick away. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm in between age wise; early 40's. Kids are 10 and 12. 50 is VERY young. My mom is 72, and after a sad divorce in 2008, she reunited with a man she was in love with 20 years ago, when life took them in different directions. They are like teenagers. Adorable.
For me, I think the "dating" would be about building self esteem and detaching emotionally from this crappy codependent mess I'm in now. I am not looking for a relationship. I know if I met someone I really liked, I might feel different. Still, I have a lot of work to do on myself.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip. Ditto for me hearing all the time negative comments. I also need to build up my self esteem after hearing how i dont do this or that. I have so much anxiety at times about this whole mess that i feel like i am shaking. I just take a deep breath and it subsides a bit. I know what u mean about this crappy codependant mess. I mean, i was great with it as long as she truly knew how to appreciate everything we gave each other but when it started being just about her, everything went downhill. I do think dating without the pressure of codependancy would be a nice change. I cant wait to be able to let my heart open up again, right now I just feel empty. I feel like a failure and quite frankly its embarresing to be around my friends and family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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