# My wife moved out



## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Hi all.
I posted a while back about some marital problems me & my wife have had for a long time & that separation was imminent, around 8 weeks ago my wife moved in to our 2nd family home & I remained in the 1st family home all finances etc have been dealt with very amicably eg I gave her almost everything.
We get on a lot better than we have previously (16 years she’s been alcohol dependent & me the codependent) there’s been a lot of abuse & trauma suffered in the relationship & I haven’t ever been able to get any affection or intimacy from her for a long time without waiting months to years each time not without trying either, being out off the marriage is what we both wanted for a long time now, when I go round to see her & help as she is extremely dysfunctional when intoxicated & depressed when not intoxicated she says things like I should get on with my life & she doesn’t want me in them ways she just wants security & providing for from me then other times she says she feels like I’ve abandoned her, now I’m at home alone feeling like I should off done more or there’s more I can still do & I feel like the worst man alive but she will not even begin to listen or accept how I feel in the marriage. When I’m there with her I don’t want to be but when I’m here alone I feel like part of me is missing, is it the abuse the trauma the emotional neglect I’m missing I honestly can’t figure it out we live together for 24 years 19 married Both 40 years old 6 children youngest 14-16 live with there grandparents older 1s all moved out. I just feel so lost & helpless. I was chatting with another women but something wasn’t right with her I had a gut feeling I was being used as a weapon to get at her ex boyfriend & when I asked her about it she gave some lame excuse all lies so I told her that I wanted to be left alone, I feel good that I’m now able to pick up on red flags & pull myself out of something toxic rather than go through hell again but that’s made me wonder if my marriage although abusive in a lot of ways is worth staying in even though there’s no intimacy allowed I feel like she can no longer hurt me ever again in the ways she already has.just don’t know if I’m(I’ve) made the right decision, Suppose I’m just lost in limbo & would like some opinion’s on everything.
Thank you in advance


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You cannot fix an alcoholic at this point you should save yourself.
The only one that can keep you in limbo is you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You won't be able to move on unless you let her go and make her take responsibility for her own life. You don't need to see her, you each have your own home and the children are with their grandparents. 
Why can't your children live with you?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

As others have said, it's time to live your own life, find out who you are. Or create an identity that works for you, because so far, you've been a co-dependent living under her dark cloud.

Married 19 years, 4 kids already moved out of the house. Did you get married after having kids? If that's the case, how did pregnancy affect the decision to get married? In other words, if no pregnancy (if that was the case), might you have made a different choice? If so, it's time to be the person who would have made that different choice. Your kids are a blessing, a wonderful addition to your life, but your wife doesn't exist within that same category, unless that's what you desire.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now. I was in an abusive relationship before my husband. And I can only speak for myself, but those feelings you're having...it's very possible you miss the drama, the battles, the make up sex, the ups and downs of it all. As bad as that relationship was, I was never bored. There is an unhealthy excitement that comes from toxic relationships, that in an odd way, keeps you stuck in it. But, being out of such a crazy-making experience will be so much better for you.

It will take time though for you not keep wondering if you should have done more. But try to look forward now, like others have suggested.

It's great that you can pick up on red flags now with new women. I hope you can get to a place of peace, and enjoy life as it really should be.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude, come on. Grow a set and get on with your life. You're basically the pathetic supplicant orbiter, still in hopium that somehow she's going to magically spring forth as a new improved her, all desirous and lovey dovey towards you. Dream on. 
REALITY, that's what you should be looking at, reality.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Congrats!


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You won't be able to move on unless you let her go and make her take responsibility for her own life. You don't need to see her, you each have your own home and the children are with their grandparents.
> Why can't your children live with you?


They have a bedroom here with me & stay most nights they just like to stay with grandparents too


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, come on. Grow a set and get on with your life. You're basically the pathetic supplicant orbiter, still in hopium that somehow she's going to magically spring forth as a new improved her, all desirous and lovey dovey towards you. Dream on.
> REALITY, that's what you should be looking at, reality.


 that’s true I do keep thinking she will change for the better but also I know she won’t & I understand I need to get on with my life I’m trying just kinda struggling with it at the minute


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> As others have said, it's time to live your own life, find out who you are. Or create an identity that works for you, because so far, you've been a co-dependent living under her dark cloud.
> 
> Married 19 years, 4 kids already moved out of the house. Did you get married after having kids? If that's the case, how did pregnancy affect the decision to get married? In other words, if no pregnancy (if that was the case), might you have made a different choice? If so, it's time to be the person who would have made that different choice. Your kids are a blessing, a wonderful addition to your life, but your wife doesn't exist within that same category, unless that's what you desire.


Yes we had 3 children then married then she became an alcoholic & I became stuck in a abusive relationship just left with my thoughts & trying my hardest


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> They have a bedroom here with me & stay most nights they just like to stay with grandparents too


Ok, it's just that you said they live with their grandparents.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Those kids deserve to be away from that chaos and that is reason enough that you two need to be apart.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> Hi all.
> I posted a while back about some marital problems me & my wife have had for a long time & that separation was imminent, around 8 weeks ago my wife moved in to our 2nd family home & I remained in the 1st family home all finances etc have been dealt with very amicably eg I gave her almost everything.
> We get on a lot better than we have previously (16 years she’s been alcohol dependent & me the codependent) there’s been a lot of abuse & trauma suffered in the relationship & I haven’t ever been able to get any affection or intimacy from her for a long time without waiting months to years each time not without trying either, being out off the marriage is what we both wanted for a long time now, when I go round to see her & help as she is extremely dysfunctional when intoxicated & depressed when not intoxicated she says things like I should get on with my life & she doesn’t want me in them ways she just wants security & providing for from me then other times she says she feels like I’ve abandoned her, now I’m at home alone feeling like I should off done more or there’s more I can still do & I feel like the worst man alive but she will not even begin to listen or accept how I feel in the marriage. When I’m there with her I don’t want to be but when I’m here alone I feel like part of me is missing, is it the abuse the trauma the emotional neglect I’m missing I honestly can’t figure it out we live together for 24 years 19 married Both 40 years old 6 children youngest 14-16 live with there grandparents older 1s all moved out. I just feel so lost & helpless. I was chatting with another women but something wasn’t right with her I had a gut feeling I was being used as a weapon to get at her ex boyfriend & when I asked her about it she gave some lame excuse all lies so I told her that I wanted to be left alone, I feel good that I’m now able to pick up on red flags & pull myself out of something toxic rather than go through hell again but that’s made me wonder if my marriage although abusive in a lot of ways is worth staying in even though there’s no intimacy allowed I feel like she can no longer hurt me ever again in the ways she already has.just don’t know if I’m(I’ve) made the right decision, Suppose I’m just lost in limbo & would like some opinion’s on everything.
> Thank you in advance


Why did you give her most everything as you said? Wtf? Are you wanting for things to never get better, or does the living separate suit you so you can do your own thing whatever that is?


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why did you give her most everything as you said? Wtf? Are you wanting for things to never get better, or does the living separate suit you so you can do your own thing whatever that is?


 I gave her almost everything as I don’t want her to suffer or hurt in any way as well as feeling that it was the right thing to do, I’m a man & I can go out & provide for myself & get the things I want & need, she is a dysfunctional alcohol dependent & I feel very sorry for her & blame myself for enabling things over the years


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Ok, it's just that you said they live with their grandparents.


they stay with grandparents a lot but when not there they stay here with me they just pick & choose freely that’s all


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I gave her almost everything as I don’t want her to suffer or hurt in any way as well as feeling that it was the right thing to do, I’m a man & I can go out & provide for myself & get the things I want & need, she is a dysfunctional alcohol dependent & I feel very sorry for her & blame myself for enabling things over the years


You may want to reconsider how much you're blaming yourself. Many do the same as it makes them feel still somewhat in control of their own situation. That's a wrong way to think.

If you want to continue that consider you're still enabling her not helping. 

Best to tack differently into your present headwinds if you truly want to help things in yours and her life.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You should give her only what she is entitled to. You are NOT helping her giving her a ton of money because you know what -- that money WILL run out, and then what will she do? Her being RESPONSIBLE and providing for herself is a way to get her out of her dependency. If she doesn't, she will never be self sufficient -- and then WHO will take care of her? YOU need to move on in life -- that will not be YOUR job any more.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> Hi all.
> I posted a while back about some marital problems me & my wife have had for a long time & that separation was imminent, around 8 weeks ago my wife moved in to our 2nd family home & I remained in the 1st family home all finances etc have been dealt with very amicably eg I gave her almost everything.
> We get on a lot better than we have previously (16 years she’s been alcohol dependent & me the codependent) there’s been a lot of abuse & trauma suffered in the relationship & I haven’t ever been able to get any affection or intimacy from her for a long time without waiting months to years each time not without trying either, being out off the marriage is what we both wanted for a long time now, when I go round to see her & help as she is extremely dysfunctional when intoxicated & depressed when not intoxicated she says things like I should get on with my life & she doesn’t want me in them ways she just wants security & providing for from me then other times she says she feels like I’ve abandoned her, now I’m at home alone feeling like I should off done more or there’s more I can still do & I feel like the worst man alive but she will not even begin to listen or accept how I feel in the marriage. When I’m there with her I don’t want to be but when I’m here alone I feel like part of me is missing, is it the abuse the trauma the emotional neglect I’m missing I honestly can’t figure it out we live together for 24 years 19 married Both 40 years old 6 children youngest 14-16 live with there grandparents older 1s all moved out. I just feel so lost & helpless. I was chatting with another women but something wasn’t right with her I had a gut feeling I was being used as a weapon to get at her ex boyfriend & when I asked her about it she gave some lame excuse all lies so I told her that I wanted to be left alone, I feel good that I’m now able to pick up on red flags & pull myself out of something toxic rather than go through hell again but that’s made me wonder if my marriage although abusive in a lot of ways is worth staying in even though there’s no intimacy allowed I feel like she can no longer hurt me ever again in the ways she already has.just don’t know if I’m(I’ve) made the right decision, Suppose I’m just lost in limbo & would like some opinion’s on everything.
> Thank you in advance


Alcoholics will never change but they will drain you with all of their drama and needs. Walk away, if you are divorced and she has moved out, then she is no longer your problem. Why retain the trauma bonds? why would you give an alcoholic all the finances? She will simply drink it all away?
This is all raw, you need to take a break from dating and get yourself sorted out first. Do other things like sports, gym etc. Are you going to Al-Anon, you need to be doing the steps for yourself and getting some therapy also. Slowly start to withdraw from her.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

aine said:


> Alcoholics will never change but they will drain you with all of their drama and needs. Walk away, if you are divorced and she has moved out, then she is no longer your problem. Why retain the trauma bonds? why would you give an alcoholic all the finances? She will simply drink it all away?
> This is all raw, you need to take a break from dating and get yourself sorted out first. Do other things like sports, gym etc. Are you going to Al-Anon, you need to be doing the steps for yourself and getting some therapy also. Slowly start to withdraw from her.


I’m doing everything one step at a time, all small steps so I don’t come overwhelmed as I have a mixed anxiety depressive disorder & don’t want to make any wrong decisions. 
I’m getting lots of help online just by speaking to people like this & getting their views on my situation, I gave her most of our finances along with anything else she wanted as i don’t want any more bitterness or drama there’s been to much, as for dating I tried & felt physically sick with myself so yh maybe time to focus on myself & my needs until I’m ready to be with someone else 
Thanks


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop enabling her. Don’t give anything else, get a divorce and get on with your own life. 


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