# Letter to the man I love



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Somebody once asked me what do I see when I am alone in the night and the darkness comes along? I didn’t know the answer than, but I squeezed my eyes in fear of my old ghosts. 
What would I answer to that somebody now, if that somebody would ask me the same question? Nothing. I think I would just smile because you chased away all my ghosts. 
You made me laugh when all I wanted was to cry but I couldn’t ; you gave me hope where I saw none and most importantly you gave me your heart, unguarded , honestly and with no fear. You thought me what friendship was, you remind me what trust was and you thought me to love again when I thought I have no feelings left. You left your life for me, you left your safety for me but alas.. my soul was so deeply hurt that I did not value all your gifts until it was too late, until I’ve lost them. 
Now, at the end of our journey together, when I look back I see all the joy, the amazement and the extraordinary journey we went through and I am grateful to you for everything. Even in this moment when I know that sometimes love ends and we know not why, when or where it happened. 
The months flow by, the years flow by and as we reached for the stars we’ve lost each other in the darkness. I wish I could find the path to your heart again, but I do not know how…. I wish God will give us a second chance but if he doesn’t I know that we will always have the memory of everything we shared, the memory of the kisses spread all over Barcelona. 
So I thought I would write to you one more time, as in my mind I’ve wrote you a dozen letters, even though in reality this never happened. Because, if this letter was never written , those words, I had for you in my mind, would have been lost in obscurity and I wish them to remain, to stay with me, as to remained me of what I’ve gained and how much I’ve lost in the process. 
Anyhow if this was a real letter I would ask God to change my stars. And if God himself would have asked me what will I choose if I have only one wish in the world , if I could chose anything from all the richness in the world to immortality I would still chose love, I would still chose you. And if in his amazement, God would ask me one more time if I am sure I would still chose you, I would say yes the second, the third time and until the end of times. 
Even if we will never be together we will never be apart because I will cherish the memory of our love until the end of my days and beyond. And if the universe somehow would decide that I should chose another, you will remain forever in my mind as the knight of my heart. 
And now I would lay rest, the grace in my tongue and speak plainly, because times like this, when we acknowledge and humbly admit our feelings, are rare. Therefore I will end my letter with hope because all love letters should end with hope. Hope that one day, in this life or another, we will be able to find each other once again and when we do, my memories of you will emerge from the fog and I will recognize you, for whom or what you are: the other half of my soul. 
Now I bid you fare the well my love, my husband, my soul. And I have one more request although all our life together was full of those; I want you to have a beautiful life and to find love again, one day….


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

*wow.


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## DoktorFun (Feb 25, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...en-i-would-apreciate-your-candid-opinion.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...y-husband-away-i-couldnt-stand-his-touch.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...appening-my-marriage-if-i-still-have-one.html


:scratchhead:


You need a psychotherapist, a good one!


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

DoktorFun said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...en-i-would-apreciate-your-candid-opinion.html
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...y-husband-away-i-couldnt-stand-his-touch.html
> 
> ...


Well as a matter of fact I did went to psychotherapy when half of my family died But thanks for the advice. 
I know my thoughts are all over the map but I guess everybody grieves differently and unfortunately I can't speak to my friends and I can't post this on Facebook, can I?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

edgya1234 said:


> Somebody once asked me what do I see when I am alone in the night and the darkness comes along? I didn’t know the answer than, but I squeezed my eyes in fear of my old ghosts.
> What would I answer to that somebody now, if that somebody would ask me the same question? Nothing. I think I would just smile because you chased away all my ghosts.
> You made me laugh when all I wanted was to cry but I couldn’t ; you gave me hope where I saw none and most importantly you gave me your heart, unguarded , honestly and with no fear. You thought me what friendship was, you remind me what trust was and you thought me to love again when I thought I have no feelings left. You left your life for me, you left your safety for me but alas.. my soul was so deeply hurt that I did not value all your gifts until it was too late, until I’ve lost them.
> Now, at the end of our journey together, when I look back I see all the joy, the amazement and the extraordinary journey we went through and I am grateful to you for everything. Even in this moment when I know that sometimes love ends and we know not why, when or where it happened.
> ...


Oh, geeze.... 

Overdramatic.
Manipulative. 
Doesn't address a single one of the problems that drove him away. 

What do you expect to come from this?


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Nothing I am a writer and this is one of the manner of getting things of my chest. 
I did not intend to send it. I thought at it as something beautiful and romantic. 
Manipulative is a bit too strong, don't you think? As I did not intend to manipulate anybody 
And I also though this is a forum people come on for support not to be judged? Hmmm...
As is Easter I remember a great quote that says something like this : "He who is without sin amongst you, let him cast the first stone..." So I am guilty of being overdramatic, there has been no moment in your entire life that you acted like this?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I haven't read your other threads, so am coming into this topic "clean."" Why did this marriage fail?


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> I haven't read your other threads, so am coming into this topic "clean."" Why did this marriage fail?


I do not know really. Everything I've wrote are things I've kept to myself, things I've blamed myself for or things I've guessed. 
As my husband is in Spain and I am supposed to go to Spain in few months I will probably find out. Right now I am just getting the pain out of my chest. 
It is just I am in my 30's and this is my first marriage and as though we had our issues and in some of my posts I was overly dramatic because of stress we were ok and we passed through a lot in our short 7 years together. He never wanted to be without me so this come out of the blue and I am just confused and in a little shock. Add this to a few days of vacation of being with family and friends, Easter, several dramatic calls from my husband and puff I am a little over the map. 
I just have some personal feelings such as sadness, emptiness that I do not know how to deal with, right now. I am fully functional 98% of the time doing business, applying for MBA's and supporting people that are out of jobs with free advice. 
As I said in the beginning of the letter, sometimes night comes and there are negative thoughts or nightmares as we like to call them, lurking around the corner. I am here just to unload some weight on my chest and well, as strange as this may sound maybe I can do some good supporting other people.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It doesn't sound strange that you can support other people. I don't understand why you would say that. Your self esteem may be taking a beating over this, but hey, look at the site you're on here. We've largely all taken a beating at the hands of others (some have done the beating) yet we're still here, ticking away, trying to help each other. 

Can you jet over to Spain for a weekend and be with him? Is there any value to a suggestion like that?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, this is a classic case of "thinking with your heart" and not your brain.

Your husband made it clear to you that he doesn't love you WITH HIS ACTIONS (moving away....and even telling you right to your face if I remember correctly).

What else do you want? 

Why do you even want to try to be with someone that no longer wants you?

End it, heal (take your time doing so) and in time you will be in MUCH MUCH MUCH better place and with a MUCH better person that will appreciate you and love you.

I'm sorry, but if someone doesn't love me......I want nothing to do with them.

START THINKING WITH YOUR BRAIN!!!!!


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> It doesn't sound strange that you can support other people. I don't understand why you would say that. Your self esteem may be taking a beating over this, but hey, look at the site you're on here. We've largely all taken a beating at the hands of others (some have done the beating) yet we're still here, ticking away, trying to help each other.
> 
> Can you jet over to Spain for a weekend and be with him? Is there any value to a suggestion like that?


I do not know if it is my self esteem or a pattern established by my father when I was younger. 
I think I should have been more supportive for people here and after reading several posts I realized it was selfish of me to ask for help first as soon as I become part of the forum. 
I know that a lot of people here are hurt or they've hurt someone without even realizing. 
I've seen that some are so immersed in hurting themselves they would never consider other, more healthy patterns. Reading some of the posts made me consider myself lucky. Although I am down and seem all over the map I know what are the right steps to helping myself and slowly I will stop digging my hole in the ground and start rebuilding myself through what I've learned in therapy (after the very sudden death of my mother). 
Of course I can go to Spain tomorrow if I want to However I need time for me, I can't make myself to do anything that could result in potential rejection, I afraid what that could do for me. I just need time (which luckily I have - 1 or 2 months until I'll go to MBA), time to make peace with myself and with whatever may happen. 
I also have to admit I never did the calling in our relationship or in any relationship for that matter because I do not like pestering people 
As all the people here I came to vent first, than I realized I want to help people if I can. I am just sorry the way of writing things and being over the map made people perceive me as manipulator or little crazy or whatever Although I really understand them - first because they filter what I say through their experiences and second because from what I've read there were some posts where people invented stuff and well....I admit that what I write may seem a little out, but I am not acting on anything, I am just writing stuff as a way to get them out of my chest. 

Thank you for your input and your time. I really appreciate


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

DoF said:


> OP, this is a classic case of "thinking with your heart" and not your brain.
> 
> Your husband made it clear to you that he doesn't love you WITH HIS ACTIONS (moving away....and even telling you right to your face if I remember correctly).
> 
> ...


You are right but things are not always black and white as it is my case He didn't live me, it would have been much easier, I would know where I stand - he moved to Spain because we decided so. He feels more comfortable in his own country and I have clients all over Europe and I feel comfortable anywhere as I speak most of the European languages. I wanted to do an MBA in Spain as Spain is very much the top country in EU in terms of MBA's - they have 4 business schools in top 10 and I wanted to go back into a multinational. I needed to stay here in order to apply to MBA's, to rent the house, sell the cars, do a lot of paperwork, finish some contracts etc. 
He loves me , he loves me not - depends on the mood he is in. So as it is a very strange pattern for him I just want to see with my own eyes and find closure one way or the other. 
Believe me, I am venting here because I can, to people I do not know and they not know me; I do not cling to anybody - this will be sick I just talk right now about a whole bunch of hypothesis - because all the things I know right now are bits and pieces. 
It makes me feel better just getting things out of my chest - it does not mean I act on them 
We women do think with our heart sometimes However when I see the things with my own eyes I will act accordingly - I mean if he does not wants me, we live in a free world and he can be with whomever he wants and I am moving forward - you are totally right here. 
Thank you for your time and input I really appreciate you guys.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

edgya1234 said:


> He loves me , he loves me not - depends on the mood he is in.


I will stop you right there.

It's either "he loves you" or "he doesn't"

With his actions (by moving to another country) his actions = no love

A man that loves you will do EVERYTHING in their power to be with you, whatever it takes....AND will put EVERYTHING on the line to do so.




edgya1234 said:


> So as it is a very strange pattern for him I just want to see with my own eyes and find closure one way or the other.
> Believe me, I am venting here because I can, to people I do not know and they not know me; I do not cling to anybody - this will be sick I just talk right now about a whole bunch of hypothesis - because all the things I know right now are bits and pieces.
> It makes me feel better just getting things out of my chest - it does not mean I act on them
> We women do think with our heart sometimes However when I see the things with my own eyes I will act accordingly - I mean if he does not wants me, we live in a free world and he can be with whomever he wants and I am moving forward - you are totally right here.
> Thank you for your time and input I really appreciate you guys.



If it makes you feel better, great.

And it's not just women that think with their heart, it's simply human nature.

I think you are way over thinking this entire thing. Sure, you can find an answer/excuse for him at every corner....and your heart will support you as well.

I guess it simply comes down to this: Are you willing to be married and continue relationship with someone over long distance........that doesn't love you?

Don't forget this question and try to answer it....for yourself.

Also, I tried putting myself into your husband's position before reading your "letter". While reading it I just felt like you are trying WAY too hard and are very desperate.

I'm sorry to tell you this but you cannot force it. You can't force him to love you again....and you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It's in no way selfish to post here asking for help first thing. That's why the site exists. 

I would say hey, this is your thread, write as much as you want, whenever you want. Anything about your relationship, anything about you or him that's pertinent -- even sometimes things that aren't pertinent to you, perhaps, will strike a chord with someone else. 

Grow thick skin to post here. We're here to help. Sometimes you get tough love.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

DoF said:


> I will stop you right there.
> 
> It's either "he loves you" or "he doesn't"
> 
> ...


There is no long distance I am not living in US, I am in EU and is like 2 hours away flight
He did not decide to live me, we decided to move to Spain and I decided that I should resolve some things before I move. There is no long distance relationship, it is just few months, not so long isn't it. 
In Spain getting depressed and being overly dramatic is like a national sport - for men and women at any ages I might be trying to find excuses for him but I am not blind. It is just I need to see the truth for myself and well MBA is in the cards anyhow and as I said I like working in most of the countries of EU (except the ones with too much rain such as UK) so for me is not a major change really. If our relationship works out or not, the future will tell. If it does and is just him being dramatic he will need to go counseling before anything else - if it does not work I will get on with my life, it is not the end of the world. 
As I said in the beginning I am just emitting a lot of hypothesis because I do not know the reason. He did not take any action, nobody knows of his moods except me ...so in real life I just need to know for myself and here I want to write because is cathartic and helps me take things out of my chest. 
But I really appreciate your opinion and your judgement is sound. Thank you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

edgya1234 said:


> There is no long distance I am not living in US, I am in EU and is like 2 hours away flight


Again, I'm talking to your heart.

2 hours away = long distance

How about this, ANYTHING but being with you on regular/daily basis = not a relationship/especially not marriage (to an extent of course, I'm not saying you have to be together 24/7)



edgya1234 said:


> He did not decide to live me, we decided to move to Spain and I decided that I should resolve some things before I move. There is no long distance relationship, it is just few months, not so long isn't it.


I guess I misunderstood.

But if my wife told me something like that, I would say "no problem, I will stick around with you and let's wait to move".

Regardless, seems like you 2 need to get together and talk things out....


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

DoF said:


> Again, I'm talking to your heart.
> 
> 2 hours away = long distance
> 
> ...


Thank you! 
Meanwhile can I still talk things out with you guys, if you do not mind ? It is easier. 
I needed that, I have to admit, not being together 24/7, it made me get in touch with myself more. 
However this was a love letter guys, inspired by a fabulous Irish poet and some other things. I've seen it as something beautiful and a way to get things out of my chest creatively, during Ester vacation, while I am not keeping myself very busy and I have time to think. It really helped me.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

We don't mind. It's what the site is for. 

Which Irish poet was it?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP just try to understand that some people on TAM just come hard to others with no regard whatsoever for how it might affect the other person. They think this is ALWAYS the only way. Others come with kindness all the time and think that is right. Still others will seem kind at times and harsh at times. Try not to take it personally because there are so many different personalties. You should feel free to post what you want though.

You did not ask for advice on this, you just posted. If you ask for advice, though you should be prepared that you might not like the advice you receive and it is then that you must be thick skinned. But if you just want to vent and express yourself you should feel free. Everyone of us can use a little patience and understanding from others when we are going through something. Just recognize you might get it from posters and you might not. 

Personally for me regardless of who is at fault I can feel for what you are going through. I hope you will begin to see better days,


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> OP just try to understand that some people on TAM just come hard to others with no regard whatsoever for how it might affect the other person. They think this is ALWAYS the only way. Others come with kindness all the time and think that is right. Still others will seem kind at times and harsh at times. Try not to take it personally because there are so many different personalties. You should feel free to post what you want though.
> 
> You did not ask for advice on this, you just posted. If you ask for advice, though you should be prepared that you might not like the advice you receive and it is then that you must be thick skinned. But if you just want to vent and express yourself you should feel free. Everyone of us can use a little patience and understanding from others when we are going through something. Just recognize you might get it from posters and you might not.
> 
> Personally for me regardless of who is at fault I can feel for what you are going through. I hope you will begin to see better days,


Of course I understand that we are all human and we all have our own experiences and I would not dream with being upset with anybody. I was just a little upset with myself for failing to express clearly. I am a communicator by nature and through my job and I always try to communicate well and to put myself in other's shoes 
When I was very young my boss then told me something very wise: that most of the problems come from luck of communication. I put his theory to test and I got to befriend a girl which was always picking on me so I guess he knew something 
Thank you so much for your nice words, for taking the time to explain things to me and for your concern 
I hope that too however is my job to work with myself in order to get in a better place by myself first


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> We don't mind. It's what the site is for.
> 
> Which Irish poet was it?


Louis McNeice, Autumn Journal
Quote by Louis MacNeice: “September has come, it is hers Whose vitality l...”


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Nice!

Most of my old poetry has been thrown away years ago.


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> Nice!
> 
> Most of my old poetry has been thrown away years ago.


He is a famous poet and was a beautiful soul. I am afraid I did not get it - somebody throw your writings away or your books?

Well with poetry or without I hope that most of us will get to land on "sunny shores" sometimes in the future. 
I've just read a post of a member that really turned his life around. He says this forum helped a lot, so it is encouraging and inspiring.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Why yes, someone did throw them away. And some got lost in the ages, moving and such. But all my music got thrown away too. 

I'm glad you seem in a good space at the moment. You will go to Spain in June, then? Is that correct? Any more communication with your husband?


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## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> Why yes, someone did throw them away. And some got lost in the ages, moving and such. But all my music got thrown away too.
> 
> I'm glad you seem in a good space at the moment. You will go to Spain in June, then? Is that correct? Any more communication with your husband?


I love my things, although I am young I tend to be a little bit of a hoarder LOL My husband knew and I hope still knows not to mess with my space in the house 

No we did not talk but he was with his parents in the mountains (they have a small cottage) and the coverage is non existent there Is better. I have time to take care of myself, talk to people, known and unknown. And I am afraid of confrontation or drama and most of all - rejection. 
I will probably be a down if he does not call me as he used to this week but ... meanwhile I am "building back" myself. 
I also started my get back to one piece program:
- communicate more;
- do more pilates - is my latest passion 
- do not forget to eat. 
- go out with friends more;
- make business networking a priority;
- start my program of helping people get a better job; 
And many other things. I do not want to be a bore. 
However I will recommend something it catched my eyes today on facebook - 100 days of happiness - basically any person can do it and the program is a highly motivational one and very beautiful. 
http://100happydays.com/
Well thank you for listening or reading in this case. If I can be of help with anything, be a sympathetic ear and return the favour, please count on me.


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