# What do you do with this?



## JSully981 (Sep 24, 2020)

So, my wife and I have been married about 7 years, we have been a couple for 15. About 3 years ago she went through menopause and sex for us has completely evaporated. We have talked about it and the issue's that we are having multiple times. She is 57 and I am 50, she has agreed to go get checked out medically and we have both agreed to go to therapy. The problem is every appointment I have made for us, she has found a way not to go. She still has not made a medical appointment though I have been asking her consistently to do so. 

Then last week I found this exchange on her iPad. The dates of this conversation were 3 years ago. I confronted her and of course she denies that anything has been going on or did go on between the two of them. Although I have found other circumstantial evidence to the contrary. What I don't have is a smoking gun or solid evidence of infidelity. I don't want to be an idiot and fail to see what is directly in front of me, but if thier is someone else or was a someone else, why would she stay? Since our sex life has gone so far south, she knows I am not happy, and I am confused. I don't think she has been very happy and complains about how little we do together and that I am always working but doesn't really want to do anything with me anyway. So I ask, why does she stay (no kids, no house) and if I believe her response to the below conversation, am I being an idiot?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would divorce over it. Pretty damming evidence.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

That can’t be explained away. She cheated, plain and simple. I’m sorry. _hugs_


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

That's some hard evidence right there...
Personally, I can't recover from text exchange like that, and I do think something happened physically, maybe that's one of the main reasons why she is withholding sex from you to not cheat on her new boyfriend?!
So what do you want to do?
I mean you are 50, and you do have a pretty good shot at building a new life with someone who respects you!


----------



## JSully981 (Sep 24, 2020)

Well I am going to go see a lawyer in the next couple of days that's for sure. I want to get my head around where I stand and what I can protect. This is our second marriage for the both of us. Since we both had kids and they were in thier teens when we married, I have put a lot of money, I mean a lot of money into long term investments. To have to cash them out in order to give up half would cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars over the long term and with penalties. So that's the first thing. You all really feel that the evidence is that damming huh. It is certainly possible, I wasn't there for it. Maybe I am kidding myself.


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

JSully981 said:


> if thier is someone else or was a someone else, why would she stay? Since our sex life has gone so far south, she knows I am not happy, and I am confused. I don't think she has been very happy and complains about how little we do together and that I am always working but doesn't really want to do anything with me anyway. So I ask, why does she stay (no kids, no house) and if I believe her response to the below conversation, am I being an idiot?


Why would she leave? The other guy only wants sex. She gets sex, he gets sex. He doesn't want her baggage. You already bought her baggage, you are stuck. This is not complicated. Yes, she cheated, this is obvious. The fact that she thought she could deny and you would believe her, and the fact that you even doubt it, says something about her and you.

Request her to write down all about that relationship, then request her to have a polygraph, and see how defensive she gets. This is just a tool, a test, to see where her head is at. For now.

Listen, given the entirety of your circumstances and circumstantial evidence, a "normal" reasonable reaction from her to you would be "I understand why you can believe I am cheating and I will do what is reasonable to show you that is wrong." The reason she doesn't have sex with you is because she has anger and resentment against you because you don't give her enough attention (her opinion, maybe in reality true, maybe not, but that is her opinion).

Sometimes we get our relationships morph into an odd dynamic and we can't see what is reasonable or not. Though I think you are not so involved that you can't see that her reactions, so far, for her medical low libido seems bull because she drags her feet. She doesn't want the medication they'll prescribe when she actually has a decent libido, just not for you.

Who is he? Does she still see him and contact him?


----------



## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> Listen, given the entirety of your circumstances and circumstantial evidence, a "normal" reasonable reaction from her to you would be "I understand why you can believe I am cheating and I will do what is reasonable to show you that is wrong." The reason she doesn't have sex with you is because she has anger and resentment against you because you don't give her enough attention (her opinion, maybe in reality true, maybe not, but that is her opinion).


It's possible she has some guilt over what she did. Regardless, OP should look into a post nuptial agreements as an option if he is thinking of reconciliation.


----------



## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Guilt can lead to shame which can lead to resentment. Some turn their resent at themselves back toward others, even those they've wronged. Anyway, OP, I'd start saving as much evidence as you can. As you already made your WW aware that you know of some evidence, you should assume she is actively trying to find and destroy any other evidence against her.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So she sexually cuts you off but she's banging some POS. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you it has to do with this OM being her man. You are just sucker that helps pay all the bills and takes care of things around the house.

It is time for an upgrade. To stay with an older woman that's not only stabbing you in the back but doesn't want you sexually, is insane. 

Get your ducks in a row ASAP to move on. Start working on yourself mentally and physically. By the time the D completes, you'll be ready to be a in demand divorced dad. A 50 year old man who is in decent shape with a good income, and no kids in the house, will be able to do VERY well with the ladies.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

If anyone I know spoke to me like that who wasn’t my significant other...they’d get a paragraph of expletives about where they could stick their appendages (meat grinder, rabid porcupine, Ebola infested corpse for instance) and never talk to me again.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

she was cheating.
cut you from sex for either reason, the affair is still on and she does not want
to cheat on her OM, or the affair is over and WW will not have sex with you
because she caught a STD from the OM.

serve WW with divorce papers, if WW does not want to divorce tell her she
has to go to the Dr with you for STD tests and take a polygraph test for you
to consider recovering the marriage. 

this way you will at least get the truth.


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Believe your eyes. The straight forward thing to do is file for divorce quickly. you can futz around for years with this but I wouldn’t

Once a woman has schemed to have another man’s DNA inside her, the cro magnon lurking in your brain is not going to let it go.

I speak from experience


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Plenty of cheaters don’t want a divorce — they just want a little excitement on the side in addition to the benefits of being married. That’s why she stays.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

A man said he wanted to shove his tongue in your wife's ***** and that's not enough evidence to get a divorce? What else do you need?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It is quite obvious that she was cheating on you.

She invited him over.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

JSully981 said:


> Well I am going to go see a lawyer in the next couple of days that's for sure. I want to get my head around where I stand and what I can protect. This is our second marriage for the both of us. Since we both had kids and they were in thier teens when we married, I have put a lot of money, I mean a lot of money into long term investments. To have to cash them out in order to give up half would cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars over the long term and with penalties. So that's the first thing. You all really feel that the evidence is that damming huh. It is certainly possible, I wasn't there for it. Maybe I am kidding myself.



I am guessing you came into this marriage with money and investment she does not automatically get have of that....make sure you have them look into what you brought in the marriage


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Oh, and I forgot: YES, you are being an idiot.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

*Since our sex life has gone so far south, she knows I am not happy,.*................Show her how unhappy you are with divorce filings and everything will crystallize quickly. 

*and I am confused.* .........It's by design. A confused betrayed spouse is a fearful and frozen betrayed spouse, incapable of defending themselves. This fosters a friendly affair environment for her. She's a step ahead. Not until you shake yourself from your own fog will the sun shine brightly enough to see what you are seeing and believing it. Once you do, take aim an obliterate it (the affair). Wives respect men who act decisively.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

She went through menopause three years ago, and this conversation is also from three years ago.

This conversation is a bit confusing in context. It seems like her mother is in the house with her, this guy is hitting on her sexually and she calls his bluff about coming over, knowing very well that he can't that day, and probably wouldn't any day, he's all talk and hope at this point.
Is he a family friend? Her friend?

There has been no sex at this point as he is telling her that he can be loud, that he might not be able to control himself in her presence.

Looks like your wife was thirsty for attention back then.

Whether it stayed as attention seeking and a need for validation is hard to know without more evidence.
But do you need to know more, or is her willingness to engage in this conversation enough for you anyway?

It's hard to know what to advice, as it seems your main problem has been the lack of sex since menopause. But something has lead you to look through her iPad, back to three years ago, before post menopause. 

Has something happened recently that leads you to believe that she is still sexual since menopause, just not with you?
Do you feel like this guy is still on the scene?


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> Whether it stayed as attention seeking and a need for validation is hard to know without more evidence.


JSully981 did say he found other circumstantial evidence to the contrary



JSully981 said:


> I confronted her and of course she denies that anything has been going on or did go on between the two of them. Although I have found other circumstantial evidence to the contrary.


@JSully981, if I may ask, what kind of circumstantial evidence did you found?


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

If your asking Did she cheat? Yes she was cheating on you. 
Are you a idiot? No she is the cheater in your relationship. 
She has withdrawn sex from the relationship but failed to include you in her decision. Just deal with the frustration on the aftermath. 
What should you do?
D she cheated


----------



## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

You are confused about whether she cheated. That IS cheating! It's called an emotional affair. And it sounds like she's denying and trying to cover it up rather than coming clean. 

She has a lot of explaining to do, a LOT, and if she can't or doesn't, then it's time to leave.


----------



## JSully981 (Sep 24, 2020)

Evening Thoughts, To answer your question the looking back into the iPad was a spare of the moment thing. I did it without really any thought. Regardless though, I did look, and it took me some time to find that conversation, so I was determined. What I can tell you is that over the 3 years in our conversations about sex, I would say "It feels like your being faithful but not to me". 

The other factors that I can give you is that do to my position at work changing right around the same time, I started getting night time calls and I would have to leave the house and report to work and would often be gone all night long. This really bothered her, meanwhile her trips back home to California were occurring two to three times a year for weeks at a time. This was a result of her father falling ill and passing away. The handling of the estate followed by the remodeling and selling of his home, were the reasons for the trips. 

When, she would return, she would use events that occurred while she was gone as evidence of infidelity and started accusing me of being unfaithful. Yet the explanations were perfectly reasonable unless you didn't want to believe them. For example, on one occurrence she was to arrive home on a Friday. I had been busy all week, and I didn't want her coming home to a filthy house, so I hired a cleaning lady referred to me by a friend with 2 days' notice. What I did not know was that she was making calls to one of our neighbors and using that neighbor to report to her what cars were parked in front of the house etc etc. When the cleaning lady's car was parked out front, she sent the neighbor over to check to see what he could find. Well he decided to let himself in the backdoor and scared the poor women to death. She called me from her cell while hiding in the closet. I was at work, and totally blown away by this whole thing. I naturally ran home to calm her down and handle the situation. 

So I started getting suspicious do to all the accusations. This other man is her friend from her high school days. They may have dated back then but if they did I don't think it was serious. Other than that she has never given me a reason to doubt her fidelity. There was one event that occurred 3 years ago, that I asked her about, I had noticed she sent this man her flight itinerary for her arrival back to California. When I asked her about it, she very casually said, he was a the backup plan for the airport pickup in the event her Brother was not going to be able to get off work to pick her up. At the time I think I complimented her, telling her it was good thinking. Jees...


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@JSully981, does she use the same phone? you can recover old texts using software like PhonLab
But to be honest, these texts are enough, it was cheating (EA at minimum), no one goes to this gory details in a text unless it was reciprocated by your wife, or some physical incident has happened!
Damn, at 57 she should be thanking her lucky stars to be married with a good husband and a stable life!
Buddy, you are in your middle age period, you can find way younger and faithful women who would kill for a man like you.... Don't settle for less!


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

JSully981 said:


> When, she would return, she would use events that occurred while she was gone as evidence of infidelity and started accusing me of being unfaithful.


She was projecting out of her own guilt


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JSully981 said:


> Evening Thoughts, To answer your question the looking back into the iPad was a spare of the moment thing. I did it without really any thought. Regardless though, I did look, and it took me some time to find that conversation, so I was determined. What I can tell you is that over the 3 years in our conversations about sex, I would say "It feels like your being faithful but not to me".
> 
> The other factors that I can give you is that do to my position at work changing right around the same time, I started getting night time calls and I would have to leave the house and report to work and would often be gone all night long. This really bothered her, meanwhile her trips back home to California were occurring two to three times a year for weeks at a time. This was a result of her father falling ill and passing away. The handling of the estate followed by the remodeling and selling of his home, were the reasons for the trips.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry man but those texts are more the reason to suspect she cheated. At least she was having extremely inappropriate conversations with some man who was not her husband. Add the fact that she stopped having sex with you. Most likely because she was being faithful to him (maybe still is even if he is gone) at that point and what do you need a meteor to fall out of the sky?

You ask why she doesn't just leave, I would ask the same thing about you. You are in a sexless marriage with a women who is at the very lest completely disrespectful to you, her husband. That just points out how hard it is to leave. You are her retirement.

Here is a truth that everyone needs to get. When they say they don't want to have sex anymore, what they mean is they don't want to have sex with you.

Point blank did you have an affair three years ago? If the answer is no then you working late is no excuse for her to cheat on you, period. Besides this is no different then the 100s of stories we read on here every day. The truth is she probably was pissed and decided at that point this guys attention was more important then her fidelity to you.

Why was she divorced the first time?

I'm not sure what else you need. I mean if the guy is married you could send his wife those text, I bet she would be thrilled about the hard **** line.

Dude at the very least your wife has no respect for you, allowing another man to say that to her and not immediately cutting him off, and you can't have love without respect. Your 50, that is a whole lot of life left. What do you think the rest of your marriage is going to be like now? Suddenly you are going to start having sex and eating cream and strawberry?

Your wife is an asshole. They make bad partners.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Are you thinking that she was having an affair with some dude while on trips to attend to her Dad and his estate? I assume her mother was in the same house thus the comment about her Mom being asleep and his comment about being loud. 

Did she get physical with him on one of her trips? Probably. 

At the very least she is sexting with this guy. And her sending her flight info to him is very suspicious. Maybe she flew out a day or so early so she could spend some quality time with him before going to her parents house.

Can you match the time and date of the messages with a trip?

I think you got it right when you said she was being faithful just not to you. And accusing you of cheating is projecting her actions onto you. If she cut you off around this time you can be fairly certain she was cheating around that time.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I would divorce. 

And you said you're going to see a divorce attorney. 
Sounds like you have a lot of investments. I assume this means you also have an accountant doing your taxes for you? (please tell me you aren't using some online service). Maybe even an accountant or service to assist with the book keeping? I would suggest at the very least, bringing along your tax guy, and if you have someone handling the books, see if they can come along with you to the lawyer. And have them bring the tax records and whatever else for the years you've been married. I believe tax accountants have to maintain your records for 7 years (though it's been a while since I've been in school, and they re-wrote the tax code, so things might've changed). 

And I would expect a long meeting. 
Lawyer can give you an idea of what to expect in the proceedings. 
Then with the accountants, you can discuss important business things. Like does your wife have any claims to your investments or property? The marriage is what, 7 years? And given both your ages, I would assume the majority of these investments were acquired prior to the marriage. But there are legal loopholes for how she might be able to make a claim on your property, be it land or commercial property, a stock portfolio, etc., And if you maintained a book keeping service, hopefully they'll have good records of everything. It won't answer everything, but should give you an idea of whether or not you'll have to liquidate or if you can keep it. 

And I imagine this meeting will run you $2,000, but I'd say it's money well spent. Better to know where you stand before she gets served with papers (for example, if she has no claim to any of your property, she might get her head out of her ass pretty quick) than after and she gets her own lawyer (that you might have to pay for).


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Whether they actually sealed the deal is not even a huge point, because the exchange you see is awful enough on its own!! It's bad. That plus the fact you have no sex life with this woman (and it's not going to get better if she is 7 years older than you), and are only 50. Get out while you can!


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

You’re 50. She’s 57. A man at 57 has more options than a woman at 57. This is how it works. A man at 50 has more options than a woman at 50. This is also how it works. A man at 50 has waaaay more options than his 57 year old wife, a woman who thinks it is okay, at a minimum, to engage in filthy text conversations with other men.

Start tapping into your own worth and power. Get out now.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

well you could always ask for a polygraph if she tries to snow ball you with a lot of push back defending herself....if she is totally innocent she woudl take it without a blink of an eye.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

many a WW become paranoid that their BH is cheating on them when they are
having an affair.

she has been cheating dump her.


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

JSully981 said:


> Well I am going to go see a lawyer in the next couple of days that's for sure. I want to get my head around where I stand and what I can protect. This is our second marriage for the both of us. Since we both had kids and they were in thier teens when we married, I have put a lot of money, I mean a lot of money into long term investments. To have to cash them out in order to give up half would cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars over the long term and with penalties. So that's the first thing. You all really feel that the evidence is that damming huh. It is certainly possible, I wasn't there for it. Maybe I am kidding myself.


Money is not worth staying a sexless marriage with a W who cheated as well.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You have a crappy marriage anyway. This is your ticket out. Use it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters usually think their spouse is also cheating — and they tend to be very territorial about their spouse. They don’t see the hypocrisy at all.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lostinthought61 said:


> well you could always ask for a polygraph if she tries to snow ball you with a lot of push back defending herself....if she is totally innocent she woudl take it without a blink of an eye.


Why bother????? He has the texts we all saw. And their marriage is SEXLESS and she won't address or and he's unhappy about it. Who go downn the rabbit hole of polygraph? No need and a waste of time and energy. 

Kind of like researching how to cure a fungal disease an apple tree has --- but the tree has already died. Fruitless.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Frankly I really thing the whole who has more options after you seperate misses the point and is irrelevant. Say she had 15 options tomorrow, at the end of the day she is still a cheater and not a good choice to have a relationship with, feel bad for those options when they find that out. You on the other hand are a faithful spouse and will have lots of options, but again even if you didn't, that is not a reason to stay with a cheater. Being alone is still better, because there is the potential for better. And all it takes is one.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Cheaters usually think their spouse is also cheating — and they tend to be very territorial about their spouse. They don’t see the hypocrisy at all.


I think the problem really is their nature and people usually assume their nature is everyone else's. Cheating is a part of their behavior in their relationships, so as they are concerned, why shouldn't it be in everyone else's. It's not so much hypocrisy as a necessary precaution that is just a part of the whole dynamic as they understand it. It's like a rules of a game or something.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I don't know the nature of your investments, but I'd expect that most of them could be split without having to cash out. 401k's etc., can be split into separate accounts without incurring penalties.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I don't know the nature of your investments, but I'd expect that most of them could be split without having to cash out. 401k's etc., can be split into separate accounts without incurring penalties.


This is correct. You will incur a QDRO (Qualified Domestic Relations Order) which will formally split your retirement benefit into two parts, as negotiated. Then, each piece will have their own individual tax consequences based on the choice that individual makes. In fact, getting divorced is not a distributable event.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Thanks for the additional info.

Quite often when people suffer the loss of a family member, they can deal with it in odd ways. Then as well as the loss of her father, your wife was possibly perimenopausal, which can have a very bad effect on a woman's mental health.

As well as your wife being suspicious of you and having you under surveillance, the neighbour agreed to check up on you. Which seems very odd of them to suspect you and agree to this.

People can get suspicious when a spouse changes behaviour. Your wife became suspicious of you, after the change of work hours. (And possibly her mental state wasn't good at the time,) You became suspicious of her when she changed, possibly after being away dealing with her father dying, and the menopausal changes to her libido.
She didn't find any evidence of you cheating.
You found the conversations, which I believe your gut lead you to.
Was this conversation dated after she sent the itinerary to him, or before?

As well as the above conversation you discovered, were there anymore between your wife and this guy? I'm just wondering if the rest were deleted.

I know everybody is saying she is a cheater. I'm not seeing that fully. I'm seeing a messed up situation though.

If your marriage wasn't sexless, and you hadn't found or worried about finding this exchange between your wife and another man, would it be a good marriage? Or was it rocky anyway?


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> I know everybody is saying she is a cheater. I'm not seeing that fully. I'm seeing a messed up situation though.


If the text pictures @JSully981 posted can't make you see that his wife is having at least EA then what does?!



JSully981 said:


> The problem is every appointment I have made for us, she has found a way not to go. She still has not made a medical appointment though I have been asking her consistently to do so.


@JSully981, do you think she has some kind of an STD/STI she is trying to hide by dodging all the a medical appointment your making?
Or may be she has no problems at all, and just she doesn't want to be sexual with you anymore and to be loyal to her boyfriend?!


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Thumos said:


> You’re 50. She’s 57. A man at 57 has more options than a woman at 57. This is how it works. A man at 50 has more options than a woman at 50. This is also how it works. A man at 50 has waaaay more options than his 57 year old wife, a woman who thinks it is okay, at a minimum, to engage in filthy text conversations with other men.
> 
> Start tapping into your own worth and power. Get out now.


Sad but so so true.


----------



## JSully981 (Sep 24, 2020)

Evening Thoughts,
Thanks for your thoughts and input into this you seem to have a very pristine and analytical view yet you maintain an intuitive perspective. It feels like a Sherlock Holmes meets Dr Who kind of thing. Unfortunately I cant tell you the date of the flight it would have been later 2017 like September or October. Honestly, if my marriage had not become sexless and the whole infidelity accusations wouldn't have been thrown back and forth I think the marriage would be great. I wont lie we have had a rough road from day one. We have dealt with drug addiction, we have dealt with family court and the loss of custody to another parent of the child. So, I'm not going to say that we wouldn't be right back here in some other way maybe the issue would be uncontrolled spending, or a relapse into drugs I don't know. What I can say is that if I felt the emotional connection that told me what I meant to her and her to me, and if we would have maintained the intimacy that accompanies that, I would feel like we were solid as granite. Right now I look at her current list of messages and I see two messages from this guy one on the 5th and one on the 6th. The one on the 6th is a secret style message on Facebook messenger. Neither of these two messages have any response from her but they are both sitting there and I know she knows it. She is just waiting for me to say something about so she can say I am hacking her account again. She argues the Fruit of the Poisonous Tree issue and thereby side steps the real issue. I guess its to bad for her that we are not in court. Its also to bad that her logic that way will prevent her from understanding what has happened and her copiability in the events that lead to our final destruction. I ask myself all the time even if we do get passed this will we ever get back sexually or otherwise and honestly I don't really think we will. Will we get back to a point that we can truly love each other again without fear and doubt and resentment . Its possible but it wont be like it was not to mention the time and effort and energy to get to the first stage. I have never loved anything like I loved her and I want that feeling back I want to love like that again I have never experienced that anywhere else, not my first wife, not my suedo second wife or any girlfriend. Even now amongst all this I still have an incredible draw to her. I don't want to be wrong about this one. I don't want to walk away because of a feeling or a suspicion, I don't want to be a fool though either.


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Frankly I really thing the whole who has more options after you seperate misses the point and is irrelevant. Say she had 15 options tomorrow, at the end of the day she is still a cheater and not a good choice to have a relationship with, feel bad for those options when they find that out. You on the other hand are a faithful spouse and will have lots of options, but again even if you didn't, that is not a reason to stay with a cheater. Being alone is still better, because there is the potential for better. And all it takes is one.


So true!!!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> A man said he wanted to shove his tongue in your wife's ***** and that's not enough evidence to get a divorce? What else do you need?


That's it right there.

Time to split.

What in the hell else do you need to know?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JSully981 said:


> Evening Thoughts,
> Thanks for your thoughts and input into this you seem to have a very pristine and analytical view yet you maintain an intuitive perspective. It feels like a Sherlock Holmes meets Dr Who kind of thing. Unfortunately I cant tell you the date of the flight it would have been later 2017 like September or October. Honestly, if my marriage had not become sexless and the whole infidelity accusations wouldn't have been thrown back and forth I think the marriage would be great. I wont lie we have had a rough road from day one. We have dealt with drug addiction, we have dealt with family court and the loss of custody to another parent of the child. So, I'm not going to say that we wouldn't be right back here in some other way maybe the issue would be uncontrolled spending, or a relapse into drugs I don't know. What I can say is that if I felt the emotional connection that told me what I meant to her and her to me, and if we would have maintained the intimacy that accompanies that, I would feel like we were solid as granite. Right now I look at her current list of messages and I see two messages from this guy one on the 5th and one on the 6th. The one on the 6th is a secret style message on Facebook messenger. Neither of these two messages have any response from her but they are both sitting there and I know she knows it. She is just waiting for me to say something about so she can say I am hacking her account again. She argues the Fruit of the Poisonous Tree issue and thereby side steps the real issue. I guess its to bad for her that we are not in court. Its also to bad that her logic that way will prevent her from understanding what has happened and her copiability in the events that lead to our final destruction. I ask myself all the time even if we do get passed this will we ever get back sexually or otherwise and honestly I don't really think we will. Will we get back to a point that we can truly love each other again without fear and doubt and resentment . Its possible but it wont be like it was not to mention the time and effort and energy to get to the first stage. I have never loved anything like I loved her and I want that feeling back I want to love like that again I have never experienced that anywhere else, not my first wife, not my suedo second wife or any girlfriend. Even now amongst all this I still have an incredible draw to her. I don't want to be wrong about this one. I don't want to walk away because of a feeling or a suspicion, I don't want to be a fool though either.


It's hard to see what you are so desperate to hold onto. It sounds toxic. 

You can have the feeling love again with someone else, you are never going to have trust with this women again, can't have love without trust.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That she sexually cut you off means it was not just sex. If it were, she would not have cut you off. You were cut off because she would feel guilty for cheating on her boyfriend. Doing anything sexual with you was probably revolting to her. 

cut her loose. When you finally hit the dating market, you will kick yourself for spending 3 sexless years with a woman 7 years older than you. As a 50 year old dude, you will easily be dating women That are 43 to 48 years old. That’s 10 to 15 years younger than what you’re used to. Let that sink in.
Now go hit the gym. No more pity party, it’s time to get busy.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> So true!!!


Yeah, and I don't even believe it anyway, the guys who say it like to think of themselves as George Clooney. And lots and lots of men aren't that picky. Point is there will be people out there. 

Finally I personally would be a little leery of dating some women a lot younger then me, It's a good assumption that it might not be only for my winning personality and charming good looks. (That's not an exaggeration by the way.)


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

JSully981 said:


> Evening Thoughts,
> Thanks for your thoughts and input into this you seem to have a very pristine and analytical view yet you maintain an intuitive perspective. It feels like a Sherlock Holmes meets Dr Who kind of thing. Unfortunately I cant tell you the date of the flight it would have been later 2017 like September or October. Honestly, if my marriage had not become sexless and the whole infidelity accusations wouldn't have been thrown back and forth I think the marriage would be great. I wont lie we have had a rough road from day one. We have dealt with drug addiction, we have dealt with family court and the loss of custody to another parent of the child. So, I'm not going to say that we wouldn't be right back here in some other way maybe the issue would be uncontrolled spending, or a relapse into drugs I don't know. What I can say is that if I felt the emotional connection that told me what I meant to her and her to me, and if we would have maintained the intimacy that accompanies that, I would feel like we were solid as granite. Right now I look at her current list of messages and I see two messages from this guy one on the 5th and one on the 6th. The one on the 6th is a secret style message on Facebook messenger. Neither of these two messages have any response from her but they are both sitting there and I know she knows it. She is just waiting for me to say something about so she can say I am hacking her account again. She argues the Fruit of the Poisonous Tree issue and thereby side steps the real issue. I guess its to bad for her that we are not in court. Its also to bad that her logic that way will prevent her from understanding what has happened and her copiability in the events that lead to our final destruction. I ask myself all the time even if we do get passed this will we ever get back sexually or otherwise and honestly I don't really think we will. Will we get back to a point that we can truly love each other again without fear and doubt and resentment . Its possible but it wont be like it was not to mention the time and effort and energy to get to the first stage. I have never loved anything like I loved her and I want that feeling back I want to love like that again I have never experienced that anywhere else, not my first wife, not my suedo second wife or any girlfriend. Even now amongst all this I still have an incredible draw to her. I don't want to be wrong about this one. I don't want to walk away because of a feeling or a suspicion, I don't want to be a fool though either.


My situation is very similar to yours, minus the incriminating messaging. If I found what you found, I would be done with her 100%, and we've been together over two decades. 

How can any of what you found be acceptable to you?


----------



## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Yeah, and I don't even believe it anyway, the guys who say it like to think of themselves as George Clooney. And lots and lots of men aren't that picky. Point is there will be poeple out there.
> 
> Finally I personally would be a little leery of dating some women a lot younger then me, It's a good assumption that it might not be only for my winning personality and charming good looks. (That's not an exaggeration by the way.)


So many guys don’t care why the hot young thing is dating them... just as long as they do. So I am leery of dating anyone far out of my age range too, which is why I’ll just be ok with being single. I’m not about to lose one a-hole and pick up another. Gotta fix my picker! And if I can’t do that, I’ll just take up a cat collection.

And for the OP, it’s better to be single than be with a person who treats you like poop on their boot. No, the doormat in which they rub the poop off their boot.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Kaliber said:


> @JSully981
> Damn, at 57 she should be thanking her lucky stars to be married with a good husband and a stable life!


I know right... wtf?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It doesn’t have to be a hot young thing. A 50 year old having a loving relationship with a fairly attractive woman about 3 to 7 years younger is natural and the norm and doesn’t need for the man to a George Clooney. 

If you’re in decent shape, have a good head on your shoulders, are making at least an ok living you will do well with attractive middle age women.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@JSully981 , how are things going buddy?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JSully981 It's possible your wife was having sex with the OM, but that due to the menopause she also cut him off, too.

However, that would mean she was cheating on you.

But what if those messages were a fantasy between the two of them?

That would still be cheating, wouldn't it?

Or she could still be having sex with someone other than you.

You need to get tested for STDs plus get a simple lie detector test organised:-

1) Since you have been married have you passionately kissed anyone other than your spouse?
2) Since you have been married have you had any sexual contact with anyone other than your spouse?
3) Since you have been married have you ever had sexual intercourse with anyone other than your spouse?

You could both answer those questions.

And then perhaps counselling or file for divorce based on the answers that are given.


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

jsmart said:


> As a 50 year old dude, you will easily be dating women That are 43 to 48 years old. That’s 10 to 15 years younger than what you’re used to. Let that sink in.


This is a great point. But Actually if you’re fit and stable and successful the age range is a lot greater than that - more like 25-45.

Now, granted, the 25 year olds are too often cray cray with pinwheels for eyes. But they are an option for you. You’ll find plenty of wonderful quality smart sexy women in their 30s if you want that too.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know if I am reading or understanding this properly. Your wife invited another man over - a man who told her that he wants to stick his tongue in her *****! And was afraid of it all being too noisy for her sleeping mum who would get mad. And her saying if you dont want to come here than just say so.

If I am right about the above, what exactly is the doubt that you have? What could she possibly say to explain this exchange? I don't get it!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

oh boy...


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Too much navel-gazing going on here. You are overthinking this. Lawyer up. Get your life back. If the money is that important to you, then just suck it up and be miserable with her. Divorces are expensive because they are worth it.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are acting foolish indeed if you’re married to a woman 7 years older than you, is CLEARLY a cheater, won’t have sex with you, and you are wondering if you’re doing the right thing divorcing her?
Omg you are in a huge patch of dependency/denial briars.
You’re getting no sex. You’ve read a message that proves your wife has zero feelings for you. All you have to lose here is money. Hell, I have no money and I’m happy. You can be, too.
You’re literally throwing your life away by staying with her.
Damn, she’s a real tramp.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Hell am hearing and seen a lot where men do their best in life in their 50s....experienced, financially sound, good skills and jobs.... Don't give that away..... 
The havin no sex w u would be my deal breaker.... The sexting stuff is ugly and hurtful and wat not but honestly is standard procedure for cheating.... I mean They weren't going to talk about the weather or politics..... Adults cheat to f0ck...
If you want reconcile is your call, not anyone else's.... Plus u have a lot $$ at stake... I would lose my **** if I had to give her half so she goes spends it screwing around w other men.... There is a middle ground I see a lot people take, like a post nuptial and and you get to do whatever u want, including sleeping other women. Is not for everyone obviously but seems to be a growing trend
You can divorce her for free right now, in your mind.... No paperwork needed. 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @JSully981 It's possible your wife was having sex with the OM, but that due to the menopause she also cut him off, too.
> 
> However, that would mean she was cheating on you.
> 
> ...


I get your point. But if someone has to haul their spouse into a polygraph test to determine if they've screwed around or not - what's the point?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Run.....don’t look back.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Zombie thread.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I get your point. But if someone has to haul their spouse into a polygraph test to determine if they've screwed around or not - what's the point?


unfortunately this statement makes it that you do not know about the 
parking lot confessions that polygraphs get for the BH.

sad is that a man's wife cheated on him.

using all means available to get the full truth is not sad it is
a sound decision by the BH to get the truth that he needs.

better to make decisions based on facts instead of emotions. 
specially when dealing with such important decisions as 
whether to divorce or not.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldtruck said:


> unfortunately this statement makes it that you do not know about the
> parking lot confessions that polygraphs get for the BH.
> 
> sad is that a man's wife cheated on him.
> ...


Oh I am well familiar with parking lot confessions. 

My point is that if you are having to haul your spouse to a polygraph to get to the truth of their fidelity, you have already lost the battle.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Oh I am well familiar with parking lot confessions.
> 
> My point is that if you are having to haul your spouse to a polygraph to get to the truth of their fidelity, you have already lost the battle.


you have not lost the battle for many WS cannot give up the truth
that easily. the need to self protect and stop from hurting their BS
more, the need to not feel embarrassed, humiliated, and further 
humiliate their BS. there are an endless list of reasons why the WS
trickle truths and that crutch is very hard to give up.

it is foolish for the BS to not use every tool to help him through his
infidelity. specially when they are effective.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

skerzoid said:


> Zombie thread.


Nope, not a zombie thread.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

As an aside, it’s almost certain that things will never be the same again if you stay.


----------

