# What do I do?



## Bewitched and bewildered (Jul 14, 2021)

I accused my wife of cheating on me 2 weeks ago and she wants to end the marriage. We split up 8 years ago when she had an affair and I didn't handle it very well at the time. We were married 10 years at that stage.
Now I have accused her (wrongly I realise) she fears the same situation will repeat itself again. 
I've been stuck working from home since Covid hit and she (works in healthcare) hasn't. She has also been doing a sport she loves so is out most nights. So I hold the fort with 4 kids. 2 teenagers and 2 under 10's.
I've tried to explain that I made a mistake and have apologised for it, and she knows I'm sorry. But she has now started to tell he close circle of friends while insisting none of our families know. 
She also wants us to continue living in the house together and present a 'front' to the world. We have told the 2 teenagers (as they miss nothing) and they are very upset. They have asked that we get back together (we are so good together).
Today was the first day she was affectionate to me since the incident. Gave me a few hugs and even a kiss on the cheek. Also asked how did we get to where we are?
I said I think that some of her wants to make us work but more of her doesn't. She agreed. 
We are still sleeping in the same bed. The alternative is the couch and I've told her I'm not sleeping there. 
Do I just give her time and see where we go?
The past 9 years have been amazing and I've screwed it up. What do I do?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well it is understandable that you have trust issues. 

However when you decided to reconcile I'm sure there was a point at which she felt everything was fine. You have shown her basically that you haven't forgiven and that you still hold the affair against her. So you've thrown that 9 amazing years into question.

It sounds like she is having fun and maybe not pulling her share of the weight around the house.
You two need to figure out how to discuss what made you think this and what is bringing up the resentment now.

I don't think just letting her cool off will work. She literally said how did we get here. You two should discuss how you got there and how to do this better.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

What made you think she was cheating again?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Bewitched and bewildered said:


> We split up 8 years ago when she had an affair and I didn't handle it very well at the time


Can you explain what you mean by you didn’t handle it well?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So you can remain married to her after she betrayed you, your marriage and your children by sleeping with someone else. But she can't remain married to you for suspecting her of doing the very thing that she's done in the past? Wow.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sorry you are here but I have to say that I call bs on your wife....she has a history of cheating so it’s not like this is out of left field and there is still some residual effects from her transgressions and honestly how do you know she was not cheating....once a cheater has gotten caught it takes a very long time to build trust and even then they have to accept the fact that they will never escape their transgressions.....she should be doing everything in her powers to answer and demonstrate she is not cheating. Do not allow her to write this narrative.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You’re home with the kids and she’s out nightly sweating with some dude? You need to do some detective work, because your gut is picking up that she’s up to no good. Do not ignore that . It is rarely wrong.

A loving and innocent wife would not threaten to destroy the family over concerns her husband has with her suspect actions, especially since she has already betrayed you and the family. Do not let her bully you into submission. She should be going out of her way to alleviate your concerns.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Infidelity.......the gift that keeps on giving. Does broken trust ever fully heal? Maybe in some cases but, obviously not all.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Bewitched and bewildered said:


> But she has now started to tell he close circle of friends while insisting none of our families know.


I call BS on this. Why the secrecy? I'd tell everyone.



Bewitched and bewildered said:


> She also wants us to continue living in the house together and present a 'front' to the world.


Nope. Wants to have her cake and eat it too, it sounds like. Are you going to be cool with this arrangement when she gets a boyfriend -IF she doesn't already actually have one?



Bewitched and bewildered said:


> We are still sleeping in the same bed. The alternative is the couch and I've told her I'm not sleeping there.


Heck no. She can take the couch.


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## Bewitched and bewildered (Jul 14, 2021)

Thanks for the replies.
When it happened 9 years ago I suspected it but had no proof. She of course denied it. So I went and got the proof. I was paying her phone bill and looked at the itemised details. Hundreds of calls to the same number. Then I put a voice recorder into my car and heard everything as she would frequently drive my car.
She tells me this is proof that I am a dangerous and controlling person and the fact I questioned her means I am losing my mind and am unpredictable. I'm not proud of how I found out but I needed to know.
Why did I suspect this time? She was due home one might a few weeks ago and was late. Dead late. She was in my car and it has a GPS tracker in it (part of the car spec). I called her and no answer. So I checked the car location, in a wooded area 5 minutes from home.
She then called me and said she was on the way home. When she got home she explained her lateness as being down to returning to her office to get something.
I was angry and raised my voice and said 'Tell me the truth'. She said she had gone for a walk to look at the sun setting.
She said she lied because she was nervous and that our marriage is now over.
Has refused to budge on that despite me wanting to work it out.
Not sure if this is related but she started to menopause maybe 3 months ago (hot flushes etc) and is refusing to take any medicine for it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dude , how did you let it her nightly “workouts” progress for so long. This is definitely not right. She wants to blow up the family because she is completely disconnected from you and is in wuv with someone else. 

You can play detective to get the details but why bother. This is the 2nd time that you know of that she has betrayed you. You allowed her to bully you into submission the last time when she used the controlling card. 
That is complete BS.

You really should file for D. Do not threaten that you will, just get it done. While doing that, get your ducks in a row. You can’t avoid this. She has just unilaterally announced that your separated, so she can get support from her enabling friends. Passiveness is not the answer. You need bold action.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there seems to be bad communication in your house hold , 

I can understand you have a job in trusting her , but you know the one there is no smoke without fire, 
another thing I see from what you posted is she seems to be using that fact you blamed her for cheating to make you a none man , 
the days of pushing THE WIFE UNDER A BUS is gone things have improved now and you can get a divorce , 

why she is telling her friends and not telling family first is a bit strange


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Bewitched and bewildered said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> When it happened 9 years ago I suspected it but had no proof. She of course denied it. So I went and got the proof. I was paying her phone bill and looked at the itemised details. Hundreds of calls to the same number. Then I put a voice recorder into my car and heard everything as she would frequently drive my car.
> She tells me this is proof that I am a dangerous and controlling person and the fact I questioned her means I am losing my mind and am unpredictable. I'm not proud of how I found out but I needed to


Did I read this right? When you found proof, you were the one in the wrong?? Do you actually believe that? I feel like you do based on your comment of 'I didn't handle it very well at the time'. And then I wonder why you believe that? By accusing you of being dangerous and controlling, was she in fact projecting herself onto you?

You were not wrong last time, why would you be this time? If you are wrong this time, why is there not enough trust in your marriage that she can tell you she needs some space and wants a walk in the woods, why lie to you? Is that not something you'd accept? 

If your account is true in that you sit home nightly whilst she's out doing whatever, I suspect you are not the controlling one. Menopause or not this time, she wasn't menopausal 9 years ago.


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## Bewitched and bewildered (Jul 14, 2021)

She is saying that because I did those things to find out the truth. But now she fears that I will do the same to control her. I'm not saying I agree with her viewpoint, I'm simply sharing it so you all have an understanding of where we are at.
She isn't out every night, it's 4 nights a week either working or in her sports club. 
These are both genuine. 
My question is, how can I convince her that I'm not interested in controlling her, I want us to be equals in everything.
We have spoken a few times since then and those discussions are getting better. 
But right now she is adamant that the marriage is over, but doesn't want anyone to move out. 
I know she cares for me and loves me to an extent. How can I get through to her that I want us to work things out.

When she says 'I don't want to talk about it' she means it. So I don't want to start pissing her off by going over it again and again.
That's my question about space, should I back off and let her see what she is losing? It won't take long to figure it out


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

There's so much in what I've read so far that are red flags for me Bewitched.

In my opinion you were not in the wrong for doing what you did to find out. She was in the wrong for cheating on you. No amount of her trying to turn the focus back to your behaviour makes it right. 

However, maybe you are wrong this time, maybe not, however if she accuses you of controlling her for having fears she will repeat history, then I hate to say it but it doesn't sound like there's much left you can work on. Either you haven't truly forgiven her (and no one would blame you) or she hasn't accepted what she did you was wrong. Unless both happen I'm struggling to see why you would want to keep trying. It will always be the elephant in the room, and you'll both be walking on eggshells. I personally couldn't live like that.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Sorry you are here but I have to say that I call bs on your wife....she has a history of cheating so it’s not like this is out of left field and there is still some residual effects from her transgressions and honestly how do you know she was not cheating....once a cheater has gotten caught it takes a very long time to build trust and even then they have to accept the fact that they will never escape their transgressions.....she should be doing everything in her powers to answer and demonstrate she is not cheating. Do not allow her to write this narrative.


This right here.

Seriously, your whole post was about you not catering to your cheating wife.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Bewitched and bewildered said:


> She is saying that because I did those things to find out the truth. But now she fears that I will do the same to control her. I'm not saying I agree with her viewpoint, I'm simply sharing it so you all have an understanding of where we are at.
> She isn't out every night, it's 4 nights a week either working or in her sports club.
> These are both genuine.
> My question is, how can I convince her that I'm not interested in controlling her, I want us to be equals in everything.
> ...


B&B, you have been beaten into submission by your not only adulterous but down right abusive wife. I’m sensing great fear in you over losing her. That is not a good place to be in. From what you have revealed, I’d bet my next mortgage payment that she is once again involved with another man. 

Since your confidence level is obviously not up to standing up for yourself, I’m going to suggest that you embark on an accelerated plan to get your **** together. You need to immediately start a modified 180 to help you detach. I’m not talking ghosting but scale back the interactions with her to essential communication concerning the kids and the house. Do not sit and watch tv with her, do not call her to ask about her day, do not tell her you love her, etc.

also, start getting out of the house so you can have a life. Staying home 4 nights so she can spend hours “working out “ has to stop. Make plans to get out with a friend. Also you need to get SERIOUS about your own workouts. It will do wonders for your self esteem and boost your T levels. Next work on your appearance. Clothes, haircut, beard, hygiene, etc. Working from home tends to make a person get lackadaisical concerning their appearance. Make a point to look and smell good, even if you’re home.

Speaking of being home. You need to make a point to get out every day. Even if it’s just to go to the mall or library. I highly advise that you take up a hobby that gets you outdoors and has you interacting with others. Hanging with some guys will do you some good. Focusing so hard on being a husband and father at the expense of yourself has made you soft and unattractive to your wife. Notice how your wife is not the least bit concerned about being a wife or even a mother? She has put herself first. Not saying you have to go to that extreme but there has to be a balance.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Bewitched and bewildered said:


> When she says 'I don't want to talk about it' she means it. So I don't want to start pissing her off by going over it again and again.
> That's my question about space, should I back off and let her see what she is losing? It won't take long to figure it out


The more you kiss her butt, the less attractive you become to her. There is a saying around here, "you can't nice them back." 

The best thing you can do is respect yourself enough to not put up with this and let her know it. Seriously, read back through your posts here. If someone else had written those posts, what would you say to them? 

I am really not trying to being unkind. I know it hurts, but you MUST stand up for yourself.


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