# Anyone else been told this?



## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

While in marriage counseling trying to rebuild our marriage, the MC said something that shocked me. He said that 65% of all men will cheat on their wives. He also said, that number is suspected to be higher on account that many men would never admit to cheating or think EAs is not cheating. it could be as high as 70+%!!! 

Do you think that is true? It seems so high!!! 

He went on to say women run at about 35-40% 

I found this interesting in that it made me want to try and give my H a second chance, because he does seem authentic in his remorse for what he has done and he says he would never do anything like it again because he hated who he was while in the affair and he hated what he was doing to the family. It made me think that if I divorced him, I have 70% chance of finding someone else who would cheat on me again. Why not give a chance to someone who seems to understand his remorse.

My question that I forgot to ask the MC is...How many men cheat a second time?:scratchhead:

Your thoughts....?


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

wow been married 14 years been with her 23 never once have I cheated ,now her on the other hand???!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I never cheated on the W, but I do want to comment on staying with my DS.

I read that staying with your DS with changed behaviors was like being in a new marriage with the same person. You spend so many years in a troubled marraige and eventualy a spouse will cheat. Well if BOTH spouses change there behaviors for a better marriage, then the DS wouldn't need to cheat b/c the affair was the end result of a problematice marriage. 

I'm sure ther are some cases when the LS did every thing right and the DS just has a bad chacter flaw. But I believe its rear that a spouse has nothing missing in there marraige and goes off and cheats and that causes the problem in the marriage. I think in most cases there is something missing/ problem in the marraige that causes infidelity.

For me I would rather be in the same marrige with changed behaviors then being in a new/different marraige with the same old bhaviors that will create the same issues I had in my 1st marriage.

I hope this makes sence, I can't spell for sh*t


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Cheating is very high in both men and women. It's only a very small number of marriages that never have some sort of an EA or PA in them.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I have read some similar statistics like what the OP has given. I am sure that the ones that never admit or never get caught would contribute to higher percentages. Plus we don't know if those numbers include people in live in/common law relationships.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Sounds right to me!! Look around how many people do you see married after 10 years? If you look at my 8 closest neighbors 6 are divorced!!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I've read most popular books on infidelity. Some report the numbers as high as 80 percent! They've never been clear on what constitutes "cheating". Is a lap dance with a "reach-around" considered cheating? How about a kiss and quickly ending things before it progressed? One nite stand and not a continuing affair? 

I think alot depends on what the individual defines as "infidelity".


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

the guy said:


> I never cheated on the W, but I do want to comment on staying with my DS.
> 
> I read that staying with your DS with changed behaviors was like being in a new marriage with the same person. You spend so many years in a troubled marraige and eventualy a spouse will cheat. Well if BOTH spouses change there behaviors for a better marriage, then the DS wouldn't need to cheat b/c the affair was the end result of a problematice marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Can't agree more with what you said. (bad spelling and all! lol) Very glad I stayed and we BOTH fixed what was wrong in the marriage.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

mommy2 said:


> :iagree: Can't agree more with what you said. (bad spelling and all! lol) Very glad I stayed and we BOTH fixed what was wrong in the marriage.


better the devil you know than the devil you don't know


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Sounds right to me!! Look around how many people do you see married after 10 years? If you look at my 8 closest neighbors 6 are divorced!!


Funny you should say that. it will be 8 1/2 for me, and I'm just about to file for divorce


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## englishguy80 (Jul 25, 2010)

And yes, I've never cheated on her and she has cheated on me at least once.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

pacmouse... it's funny that you should mention this. I used to be in an interesting job a few years back that allowed me to have open conversations with guys in general. I actually investigated this area for 6 years. My research showed around 90% of married men cheated on their wives. I only looked into married men and not people who were living together. My research also focused quite a bit on business men who tended to travel for work reasons. 

The ones who travelled cheated with more women but on a short term basis. The ones who didn't travel cheated with less women but for a longer term. One common factor unfortunately was that once a cheater always a cheater. The guys I asked always cheated again. That is definitely a question you should have asked BIG TIME!

When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.

I asked them how they would feel if the wife cheated on them, and they were all adamant that it would NEVER happen (some men are just bizarre!), but that if it did they would be very hurt by it.

I found the whole experience enlightening but, as you can imagine, disappointing. I've never been told about numbers or estimates by anyone, but my own experience is quite an eye opener. 

Having said all that, it is still not an excuse to cheat! Just because 80-90% of men cheat does not mean you sould just grin and bare it - that's not the way to go. We are all attracted to other people in one form or another, but that does not mean we need to act on it each time. That would mean that we should have one night stands left, right and centre and have heterosexual, bisexual or homesexual experiences! Where does it stop? Where is the value of quality over quantity. It's all a matter of perspective and respect.

In the end I suppose, it depends on how much you can put up with. Can you put up with the thought of him/her having cheated on you? Can you put up with the thought that it 'might' happen again - then what?

Personally, I'd wait for that golden 10-30% that's round the corner, of course, even then there's no guarantee it'll be a 100% perfect relationship, but to me it's a hugely important factor. Is that element in a relationship just as important to you?


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

MissMoneypenny said:


> When I asked the boys if they felt guilty in any way over cheating their wives, their response was that if the wife didn't know about it wouldn't them.


That should say that "it wouldn't HURT them"... sorry!


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

MissMoneypenny said:


> pacmouse... it's funny that you should mention this. I used to be in an interesting job a few years back that allowed me to have open conversations with guys in general. I actually investigated this area for 6 years. *My research showed around 90% of married men cheated on their wives.* I only looked into married men and not people who were living together. My research also focused quite a bit on business men who tended to travel for work reasons.
> 
> The ones who travelled cheated with more women but on a short term basis. The ones who didn't travel cheated with less women but for a longer term. One common factor unfortunately was that once a cheater always a cheater. The guys I asked always cheated again. That is definitely a question you should have asked BIG TIME!
> 
> ...


Yikes!!! 90%!!! Why get married....


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

pacmouse said:


> Yikes!!! 90%!!! Why get married....


The incredible sex? What? Someone had to say it! Ok, J/K:rofl:

But, seriously, 90%?!


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

I guess I'll play the Devils advocate...what does this say about those of us guys in the minority who've never cheated? Are we really the fools for staying true? Are we really just not meant to be monogamous? If all of this infidelity is so prevalent, why shouldn't we just join the masses (yes, I'm sure someone will give me the old "if everyone else jumped off the cliff, should you" analogy)? If all of this infidelity is so prevalent, why does it hurt so much to be cheated on?

And yes, I've read "The Monogamy Myth". Quite honestly, the more that I learn about infidelity, the worse my opinion becomes of people in general (another lousy side-effect of my wife's affairs.)


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## alabama (Aug 6, 2010)

my mc said 75% go on to cheat again.

one would think that the few of us that do value fidelity could find eachother and let the rest of "them" have at it.

i was very upfront when we met that fidelity was important.

while i'm not perfect, my husband claims the stress of a job transfer, long distance move, and the birth of a child all in the same month after an extremely high risk pregnancy was too much for him.

yeah, well i didn't think about cheating. i can so see him doing the "edwards" thing if i was to get deathly ill.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

i have to agree that i have a hard time giving people the benifit of the doubt after hubbys affair. but i am just over a year from finding out, we have had much counseling, he has confessed, understands what he has done to me (as much as he can--b/c really, unless you have lived it, there is no way to understand). and he has promised never to do it again. for my part, i know how hard it is to get to this point, and if he ever does do it again, i am not sticking around. 

that said, the pain DOES lessen. the memories do still exist, but they don't hurt as bad. i do see that sticking through it was the best thing. i see the closeness that comes from weathering this storm together. i am finally starting to enjoy the rebuilding of the marrage--not like falling in love all over again. different. more substantial. i see that staying together was not easy for him either. he chose to--i didn't force or threaten him. and this past, horrible, tumultious, hideous year . . . well, it is something major, major, major that he and i have shared together. noone else can say that. yea, she knows what he looks like naked, and how he kisses and so forth. but she will never know what it is like to be chosen and worked for, or what it is like to love him so much (and be loved) that even when you hate eachother, you love eachother enough to go through the pain. 

it's not at all easy. but it is worth it.


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

myhope said:


> but she will never know what it is like to be chosen and worked for, or what it is like to love him so much (and be loved) that even when you hate eachother, you love eachother enough to go through the pain.
> 
> it's not at all easy. but it is worth it.


myhope....this really just spoke to me. I believe my husband is going through his MLC. He's about to be 40 and told me 3 months ago that he doesn't know if he's in love with me anymore, I irritate him, he's been unhappy for a year now, and he wants his own space. He doesn't want to divorce but in his mind he thinks along the lines of "we are seperated". He texts, calls and ocassionally sees 3 other girls - all co-workers and under 26. I am my whits end not knowing what to do BUT when I read the above part it made cry buckets and realize I don't want to lose him. We have 22 years together, plans for our life together since the kids are grown and I don't want to give up on us.

Thank you for posting tonight. It's definitely motivation for me to make our marriage work and figure out where my weaknesses are in our marriage. I want to be a better wife, friend and communicator to my husband.


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## Tellmegoodnews (Jan 7, 2011)

I've seen much more positive statistics: What is the Percentage of Married Men Who Cheat Again? 

"The numbers that I found range anywhere from 22 to 37 percent of husband being unfaithful and anywhere from 14 to 22 percent of wives having affairs or cheating....only 15 - 20 percent of people who cheat do so again and become repeat offenders...only approximately 18% of divorces are due to infidelity."


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

but she will never know what it is like to be chosen and worked for said:


> This hit home with me too! We have been through so much already in or life together which includes dealing with our first born being diagnosed and later cured of cancer when she was just an infant. The OW has no idea what we are capable of getting through together. I imagine this affair will run the same course as when my D was diagnosed. I used to think about it everyday all day. I worried about it all the time. I wondered what I could of done differently while pregnant etc. The frequency of these thoughts have lessened over the years (7). I imagine this affair will run the same course. I will think about it less and less as good experiences take the place of the bad ones, as I see my marriage get healthier and my H fight for us and do everything he needs to. I actually called the OW a cancer and told her we beat it once as a family and we can do it again. She didn't like being called that....oh, well!!!!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I believe it.  But I think you're right in your logic. And from what you posted in another post, it seems like you and your H are on the right track and you're healing. It's just really hard to get the trust back!


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

MyHope, your post made me cry and gave _me_ hope. Just found out two days ago husband had a 6 month EA/SA. He was ending it with her and was choosing me. Now he says he'll do anything to save our marriage and spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy. He knows we need couples therapy and that he needs individual therpy. The affair was about him wanting to feel good about himself and he let himself be seduced by the excitement of a new attraction and a possible new love. It was selfish and unfeeling of him, our marriage wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad. Thank you for making me feel like all is not lost.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Is it possible that the guys you researched wouldn't carry across to the whole group of guys? I mean, there are certain groups of men that are more likely to cheat (opportunity, perceived desirability) or have the opportunity practically thrown at them. So 90% of them might cheat, but only 20% of guys in a career or lifestyle that offers fewer opportunities or the men are not seen as "desirable".


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

What does 'ever cheated' really say about people? As ever statistics can be misleading and don't really tell a full story. Is this cheating on the current spouse only or ever cheated on a spouse? As someone else asked, what is meant by cheating or infidelity? Does this include straying when marriage is totally on the rocks (e.g. wife is also with someone else, doesn't really care what you do, or when you are in separation).

It's no surprise to me that the % of men who have done at least one of these things is very high:

-become smitten with another woman and get close to them for a period of time without anything physical happening (including internet 'affairs')
-have a 'proper' emotional and physical affair
-have a momentary physical 'slip up' that either involves full sex one time or some kind of other one-time physical act (e.g. touching a stripper, kissing someone, etc)
-stray during a time when marriage is very broken and/or wife is with someone else

We might also be shocked by the percentage of people who stole something at least one time in their lives. But what does this really say about people...that everyone is a thief or a more benign conclusion that very few people are perfect and most people have made at least one minor slip-up in this area. Some people are hard-core thieves by nature but most are not.


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## doesntknoweverything (Jan 5, 2011)

Well, here's a thought. I married a man 5 years ago who I was thrilled about at the time.. though he had a few annoying traits and I wasn't 100% attracted to him, though I did think he was quite good looking at times. The thing I wanted a guarantee on was that he would not cheat. 

Well, I changed somewhat. Maybe I'm more comfortable now or I'm just not needing a forever marriage to latch onto for security or mental stability anymore... As far as I know he hasn't cheated, and I think part of it is many women just aren't attracted to him. At this point, I would rather be married to a very attractive man that I could at least appreciate more, and so what if his chances of cheating are higher. Which would you rather have?


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

doesntknoweverything said:


> Well, here's a thought. I married a man 5 years ago who I was thrilled about at the time.. though he had a few annoying traits and I wasn't 100% attracted to him, though I did think he was quite good looking at times. The thing I wanted a guarantee on was that he would not cheat.
> 
> Well, I changed somewhat. Maybe I'm more comfortable now or I'm just not needing a forever marriage to latch onto for security or mental stability anymore... As far as I know he hasn't cheated, and I think part of it is many women just aren't attracted to him. At this point, I would rather be married to a very attractive man that I could at least appreciate more, and so what if his chances of cheating are higher. *Which would you rather have?*




Hmmm, I don't know if I could be with someone I didn't find attractive be it physical, spiritual, mental etc. With that being said, I find my H very physically attractive. The mental, spiritual and emotional attraction has been damaged. I'm trying to get that back. I do know that when I thought I was heading for a divorce I did joke with friends that I was going to find an unattractive man to be with because the cute ones attract too much attention.:rofl: (I was kidding) MY H has always had women falling at his feet....hmmm?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm now convinced any man is capable of cheating. I thought my husband was attractive, but people would tell him things like "Why did she marry you?" So, when his own insecurities made him too vulnerable, he was easily seduced by a woman who wanted him. I do believe if she hadn't indicated a strong interest, he would'nt have instigated. But in the end, it doesn't matter. He still cheated and when I married him I thought I met someone who was incapable of cheating. There's no guarantees. Preventing affairs and keeping a relationship healthy is something that has to be worked on and not taken for granted.


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## ChrisInNOVA (Jan 3, 2011)

pacmouse, many people cheat on their spouse. The thing is - you & your spouse don't have to fall into that.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Saffron said:


> I married him I thought I met someone who was incapable of cheating. There's no guarantees. Preventing affairs and keeping a relationship healthy is something that has to be worked on and not taken for granted.


To me, this is the single biggest mistake that all of us BS have made...we never see our spouse as being someone capable of cheating. I know that I thought was the case with my wife...I saw her as being too good, too smart and above this behavior...all of which are still true, but I forgot that she was also human. We both took our relationship for granted and she made a series of bad choices as a result. Interesting too is the fact that prior to this, SHE WOULD ALSO HAVE NEVER BELIEVED THAT SHE WAS CAPABLE OF CHEATING. If I've learned nothing from this...we are all capable.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Once a person has gotten away with it and not been caught, it could very likely happen again. If it was brought out into the open and ammends are being made in a genuine way, not likely. I have talked with men that like the variety and to see if they could win a woman over into bed, just like when dating. It wasnt about beginning a relationship, just a conquest.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

How2BelieveAndMoveOn said:


> To me, this is the single biggest mistake that all of us BS have made...we never see our spouse as being someone capable of cheating. I know that I thought was the case with my wife...I saw her as being too good, too smart and above this behavior...all of which are still true, but I forgot that she was also human. We both took our relationship for granted and she made a series of bad choices as a result. Interesting too is the fact that prior to this, SHE WOULD ALSO HAVE NEVER BELIEVED THAT SHE WAS CAPABLE OF CHEATING. If I've learned nothing from this...we are all capable.


Totally agree with you, I think everyone is capable given the right circumstances. I've already heard of two situations where the disloyal spouse & loyal spouse stayed together, only to eventually have the loyal spouse cheat. It's one of the things I've cried over, wondering now if I'd ever be capable of doing this to him. I hope that with the rebuilding or our marriage, I'll always want to remain a loyal spouse. Just hope we'll be a match set.


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