# No Way Out



## Elizabeth001

I'm pretty sure my marriage is over...and has been for some time. It is tearing me apart emotionally and I can't figure out what to do. I feel like I'm out of options.

We have been together for 9 years, married for 8. When I met him, he was 20k in debt. I had just sold my first home, paid off all of my debts, had 30k or so left over. After a year of long-distance dating (he drove down on the weekends), we got married and I immediately started a payment plan on his credit card debt, which has long since been paid off. When he got employment in our area, we bought a house and I put most of the last I had (20k) down on the new house.

I feel like he pulled a "bait and switch" on me. We had only been married for a couple of years when I realized that I was the only one that was really emotionally invested in our marriage. I also was the only one who initiated any type of sexuality. Long story short, I believe that on some level that he is asexual. I was too busy initiating things to realize it. He also came across as my night in shining armor...there to save the day and take charge of any situation, which has in reality became the opposite. Everything is left up to me.

In short, our relationship dynamic has turned into more like mother/son and we are more roommates than anything else. There is zero emotional intimacy and obviously no sex since I stopped initiating. He doesn't seem to have any problems with this but it is killing me. I've been lonely before in my life, but being lonely in a marriage that should be wonderful is more than I can handle!

We have been to counseling and he has done none of the things the counsellor suggested.

The problem is that we are basically under water on our house. We took advantage of the HARPE program and refied about 3 years ago so that we could bring the principal down enough to be able to sell sooner and have money for both of us to move on if that's what was going to happen. He told me that if things got really bad that he would move to another bedroom and we would make it work until we could sell. Well, last night I asked him to move to another room after yet another weekend of me begging him to step up and leaving me in tears all weekend.

I'm missing another day of work because my stomach is so upset that I just can't deal. How in the world am I supposed to keep living like this? I doubt seriously if we would break even on the house at this point and in this market how long would it take to sell? 

I don't think he cares either way...his family is loaded and when his mom passes, he will have plenty of money. I, on the other hand, have been at my job for 19 years and I have a retirement plan and a 401K so I have never really worried about my retirement but I have sank every penny into what we have here and have nothing to start over again.

I don't want to bog this down with too much information so please ask what else I can add. I am desperate for some suggestion on what in the world to do. I am 46 years old and that is too old to just pack up and leave, ruin my credit, and have absolutely nothing. Such a sad situation & it does no good to talk to him...he just clams up and says nothing.


----------



## statuscomforts

Sounds like both staying and leaving have positives and negatives. Would you rather stay and be miserable or leave and suffer the consequences? Which one sounds like the best worst option. Which can you live with?


----------



## Elizabeth001

If I could afford to leave I would have already. I can't figure out how to do it. He knows I can't so the circle continues. I do spend a lot of time hoping that he will follow through with his promises and he will make a couple of small gestures and think that's enough. Here's the last email he sent to me in response to an article I sent to him about being apathetic in a marriage:

"It's a good article, I can't blame you for the way you feel. I know I have a hard head.
I do want to bring back they way we felt when we were apart and finally got to be together. Every day.
I don't want to lose you or what we can have in our relationship, and that's up to me to show you.

I love you
Husband"

He seems to know exactly what to say to keep me hopeful 

It makes me so sad to know what we could have and so sad that he doesn't appreciate what we do have. I can't make him though. It's obvious after all this time that things aren't going to change. We just grow further apart emotionally and I just keep getting more and more depressed.


----------



## Marlo

In your heart of hearts do you want it to work with him? Do you really want out or do you want a better relationship with your husband? Is it possible to do a trial separation? Can you ask him to move out for a while? Im not much help because Im also in a relationship where I dont believe my spouse will change.
I think you really have to ask yourself if you are DONE DONE. If you are start saving up again if you can. Start the process of selling your house, even if you end up under it may be better to struggle financially until you can get back on your feet then to live emotionally damaged. Its a soul deep thing.


----------



## statuscomforts

Its really interesting that he wrote that email because I can relate in the situation I'm in. I have the same issue of promises of change but no followthrough or followthrough for short periods of time. And she's always telling me she will be better but all talk to action. I have the same hope of improvement but feeling I should leave because it won't change. In the post I made, people brought up that I may be codependent. I've been really thinking about that today, that I do literally rely on her to make me happy because our relationship has isolated us from our freinds and I feel like shes all I have. Maybe you are the same? I've been thinking today.....if I stopped putting so much reliance on her to make me happy it won't solve the major problems in her faults but maybe it will fix my own and at least that puts ME in a better place mentally....How to do that, I'm not sure, but its a thought. I guess, keep your side of the street clean mentality. I seek her to fulfill my expectations of happiness and when she inevitibly fails its soul crushing...everytime...You'd think I would get the point. Can you relate to this at all or am I way off base?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Marlo said:


> In your heart of hearts do you want it to work with him? Do you really want out or do you want a better relationship with your husband? Is it possible to do a trial separation? Can you ask him to move out for a while? Im not much help because Im also in a relationship where I dont believe my spouse will change.
> I think you really have to ask yourself if you are DONE DONE. If you are start saving up again if you can. Start the process of selling your house, even if you end up under it may be better to struggle financially until you can get back on your feet then to live emotionally damaged. Its a soul deep thing.


In my heart of hearts I've never wanted anything so much in my life for things to work for us! Do I really want out? NO>>>if there were some attempt on his part. YES>>>Instead of sinking further and further into depression.

A possible trial separation would not be financially possible or I would have done that already. I can't afford this place on my own. He could if he lived frugally and budgeted his money but he doesn't...hence the 20k in debt where I found him in the beginning. Our combined finances cannot handle rent on top of mortgage.

My financial brain will not let me sell this house at this point...it would be such a mistake. We went down to a 2.75% interest rate when we refied. In the next handful of years (3-5) we will really be eating away at the principal & be able to make enough money to move on. If we sold now and got lucky enough to break even, where's the 20k I invested? Where's half of the 20k in his previous debt that I paid? I don't have enough for first & last month's rent plus utilities to even get an apartment somewhere at this point.

So frustrating...


----------



## Elizabeth001

statuscomforts said:


> Its really interesting that he wrote that email because I can relate in the situation I'm in. I have the same issue of promises of change but no followthrough or followthrough for short periods of time. And she's always telling me she will be better but all talk to action. I have the same hope of improvement but feeling I should leave because it won't change. In the post I made, people brought up that I may be codependent. I've been really thinking about that today, that I do literally rely on her to make me happy because our relationship has isolated us from our friends and I feel like shes all I have. Maybe you are the same? I've been thinking today.....if I stopped putting so much reliance on her to make me happy it won't solve the major problems in her faults but maybe it will fix my own and at least that puts ME in a better place mentally....How to do that, I'm not sure, but its a thought. I guess, keep your side of the street clean mentality. I seek her to fulfill my expectations of happiness and when she inevitibly fails its soul crushing...everytime...You'd think I would get the point. Can you relate to this at all or am I way off base?


Yep...nail on the head. I know I'm speaking more of money but I have put everything I have emotionally on the line here too. I am a "home-body". I do not have other friends or hobbies...neither does he. I have thought a million times over of what I could involve myself in to just get out of here and spend some of my time and emotion on something that makes me happy but I haven't had any luck. All of my efforts have been on this house...the yard...planting trees and shrubs and flowers. Decorating a wall with things that are important to us. I spent hours just refinishing a piece of wood for a shelf. I could go on and on. I feel like all that stuff I did is for nothing and I get so mad I want to destroy it all. No friends=no one to talk to. He makes me think it's all me and it's all in my head but will tell me it isn't and that he doesn't blame me for the way I feel.

I got a dog a couple of years ago and then another to keep him company. At least I get emotion from them. I just hate it now when I'm so down like this I have no patience for them and they don't deserve to deal with our fights. They jumped every time they heard a sound last night...they just kept waiting for daddy to come to bed


----------



## Marlo

Can you live in this situation for the next 3-5 years? Maybe in that time he WILL change, in that time you should be able to save up money if he cant, and in that time you might be able to sell. 

Are you able to be civil while living together but apart? Many couples split, but remain living together for financial reasons. Its not easy Im sure but it does happen. Is that an option for you?

Edit:
Maybe during that time you can work on re-learning yourself. Find hobbies that you love apart from him. Join clubs, go out with friends from work ect? Finding out what makes you ahppy past him.


----------



## Elizabeth001

_Can you live in this situation for the next 3-5 years? Maybe in that time he WILL change, in that time you should be able to save up money if he cant, and in that time you might be able to sell._

>>Some days I think I can...others I don't. I can't keep counting on his fruitless promises of change. We're not saving money because we always come up with some project for the house. Besides spending money, it takes my mind off of the crappy relationship we have. Need to stop putting money in this house and start putting it into a savings account. Definitely. We took another trip to Jamaica last month with me hoping it would bring back something we had lost. Could have saved that money because even though it was fun and relaxing, we were just friends there too & I missed my dogs so much I was miserable for most of the week.

_Are you able to be civil while living together but apart? Many couples split, but remain living together for financial reasons. Its not easy Im sure but it does happen. Is that an option for you?_

>>>Well, as of last night, we are in separate bedrooms so I guess it has to be that way for now. I am finding it difficult to let go of the anger. I'm finding it hard to eat...hard to sleep. I do not work well without a plan. As there is no conversation with him, there is no plan. So I don't know if it's over or if he just thinks he'll give me space until i'm un-pissed. I'm sure his thinking is of the latter. It's a guess. Our whole marriage has been a guessing game on my part.

_Edit:
Maybe during that time you can work on re-learning yourself. Find hobbies that you love apart from him. Join clubs, go out with friends from work ect? Finding out what makes you ahppy past him._

>>>I work with a bunch of chauvinistic, ******* a$$holes that would be happy to bang me (I'm the only female) but I would definitely not call them friends nor would I spend any time hanging out with them. Which brings another question I've always had...why does every man I meet want to sleep with me except my husband?


----------



## statuscomforts

Yeah, my dog is definitely my best freind. I used to have hobbies as well, but finances, time off work, and the kids don't permit me to do much but be at home. Where you'd think you'd feel safe and happy right? I feel your pain.


----------



## Elizabeth001

A couple of times I have left, once to my sons' house but I ended up back here. It sucks to leave what I have worked so hard for and it is the only place I feel comfortable and safe.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I also took my dogs with me because I couldn't bear to be without them and then I felt bad about taking them away from their home


----------



## statuscomforts

How are you doing? Anything new?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Thanks for asking. I see you're getting a lot of great advice 

After a little research I think there may be some equity in the house. I have a real estate agent coming on Thursday to look at the property in order to give us an estimated value. Having a plan makes me feel much better. 

Tried to talk to him last night but it was the usual. Mostly me pointing out the obvious and him just referring to one or 2 instances, not addressing the overall issue. Clamming up while I just go on and on. He says there's nothing he can say to make me feel better and he would be right. I have needed action and I feel like it's too late to ever get back to where we were. I ended up popping an Ativan and crying myself to sleep. Just trying to get it together today. I have to go back to work tomorrow. 

How are you feeling today?


----------



## statuscomforts

I'm sorry to hear that you cried yourself to sleep but glad you are feeling like you are making progress. My back hurts and I was almost late from sleeping on the couch haha. I'm very tired. That would at least be a plus whether you stay OR leave to know that you are in an equitable position with your house. I am a little discouraged at what I will have to move into if I leave. It will be much smaller than what I'm used to because I have a good deal on the HOUSE we live in renting....An apartment of equal value is going to be tiny...and the baby will have to sleep in my room when she is over. I have money to get more of a place but I want to be conservative so I can save plus I don't know what the court/support costs will be. Where are you going to go if you sell your house and leave?


----------



## Elizabeth001

I want a very small place...something easy to take care of and not expensive. The only thing I'll really need is a fenced yard big enough for my 2 brats. One thing I have learned from living here is that the bigger place you have, the more there is to take care of. My job can be very physical a lot of the time so I just don't have the energy when I'm here. And when I'm down about where everything is and is going, I lose the desire to care for it. 

Once when my boys were small, we lived in a 3-room apartment that was over a garage. Thankfully the bedroom was very spacious. I hung a quilt as a curtain beside their bed to give us all some privacy and so I could read without disturbing them and just drew it back during the day and they loved it. They thought they were "princes" 

Times were tight but we were secure and happy. That is what's most important. That's what children value most. It is definitely what I value most.


----------



## Elizabeth001

So...after speaking with the realtor, we do have enough equity built up for both of us to have enough money to move on. I guess all this has made him realize that I'm serious. He doesn't want to sell now...or try to buy me out. He actually had a little conversation with me yesterday and seems to be trying somewhat but I feel like it's just too late. I had already changed my train of thought to moving on and had started to feel a little better about things. I had already started to let go. It's been at least the last 6 years of our 8 years of marriage in the same loop.

What in the world am I supposed to do now?


----------



## aine

Have you actually sat him down and told him what you need from him? Have you tried MC and IC? it sounds he is not engaged because he is spoiled due to his background, a mummy's boy?

it is still possible to turn this around with some of the above methods. Do you still love him? Perhaps before you move out you should try some of these things first, then if none work you know you have done everything possible to save your marriage.
On another note, it sounds like you have a stressful job, this doesn't always help us to see clearly. You might need to take some time off, go someplace and have quiet time just to think through the past, and what you want for your future. It will give you more ideas how to engage with your H.

Good luck!


----------



## AliceInWonderland

I really like what aine said. Is it possible for you to take some time off and go somewhere, a peaceful place that you love and just think? Having a stressful job among all the other stresses in life can cloud your mind and prevent you from thinking, really thinking clearly.

A peaceful quiet area for a few days for you to take care of yourself and think about your future would be really beneficial. 
Don't let or allow anyone to cloud your mind further. You think about yourself for yourself. 
Think about the past. Think about the present and think about the future. Maybe leaving is what is best and it would be better now rather than later and now that you know you will be good financially, you have a way out.

But like I said, don't allow anyone to cloud your mind, not even me. Try to take some time off and really think about what you want.
You need, should and are entitled to enjoy your life. 
Wishing you and your two furry (or non-furry) friends all the best. Dogs are a joy.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Aine:

_Have you actually sat him down and told him what you need from him?_
In every possible way. I don’t like to generalize people but my experience with men is that when you try to say something in a nice or maybe even funny way, they don’t take you serious. After approaching it kindly and it not sinking in, I get angry. Then I’m a b*tch. Go figure.

_ Have you tried MC and IC?_
He went to IC a couple years ago. I offered to go with him but he didn’t want me to. I read all of the paperwork she sent home with it and it was really great nail-on-the-head stuff. He didn’t do any of the things she suggested to make our situation better and after 3-4 visits, he quit going. About a year ago, I had reached a boiling point and demanded that we go to MC. Every session we had was basically the counselor telling him everything I had already been saying. Once again, he didn’t do anything that was suggested to him and after about 4 visits we stopped going. What’s the point? 

_ it sounds he is not engaged because he is spoiled due to his background, a mummy's boy?_
I think I may have spoiled him by giving into the way he wants everything to be. If it is important for him, it becomes law in our lives. If it’s important to me, he comes across as if it is just emotional and trivial and not important.

On the mommy subject, we did learn in MC that he, being the oldest of 5 children, in basically a single-parent home, learned to “go along to get along”, be non-confrontational and just do as he was told to keep the peace. Dad was military and deployed a lot. Mom was in control (and still acts like that at family functions). The counselor explained to him that this might have worked for the situation he was in as a child, but it will not work in a marital relationship. He tells me sometimes when he’s frustrated that it’s “just the way he’s always been”. I have learned at my age that you can’t keep dragging your childhood along with you. I know it isn’t easy but there has to be SOME effort on his part to let that stuff go and step up and be a man.

_it is still possible to turn this around with some of the above methods. Do you still love him?_
I feel like I’ve tried everything. I know that if I look past my anger that I still love him deeply. I just don’t like the grumpy old a$$hole that is living in my house right now. I do not feel any physical attraction for this “stranger”. Is he really a stranger or did he pull a bait & switch on me? I have no idea.

_ Perhaps before you move out you should try some of these things first, then if none work you know you have done everything possible to save your marriage.
On another note, it sounds like you have a stressful job, this doesn't always help us to see clearly. You might need to take some time off, go someplace and have quiet time just to think through the past, and what you want for your future. It will give you more ideas how to engage with your H._

Sounds great…I have vacation time accrued but going away anywhere would mean spending money that shouldn’t be spent at this point. Thank you for your post. It feels so good to get some of this out.


----------



## Elizabeth001

AliceInWonderland said:


> I really like what aine said. Is it possible for you to take some time off and go somewhere, a peaceful place that you love and just think? Having a stressful job among all the other stresses in life can cloud your mind and prevent you from thinking, really thinking clearly.
> 
> A peaceful quiet area for a few days for you to take care of yourself and think about your future would be really beneficial.
> Don't let or allow anyone to cloud your mind further. You think about yourself for yourself.
> Think about the past. Think about the present and think about the future. Maybe leaving is what is best and it would be better now rather than later and now that you know you will be good financially, you have a way out.
> 
> But like I said, don't allow anyone to cloud your mind, not even me. Try to take some time off and really think about what you want.
> You need, should and are entitled to enjoy your life.
> Wishing you and your two furry (or non-furry) friends all the best. Dogs are a joy.


Thank you…my furbabies keep me sane and fill in that much-needed love and affection.


----------



## Elizabeth001

As an update, we asked the realtor to do a full market analysis on the house with (at least for me) the intention of putting it up for sale. Her second report came back over $24k lower than the first. The first amount would have been very difficult for me but doable. The second is just impossible. I can’t start over at my age in the red. So…

With everything that has been going on, H has finally realized that I’m serious. He has given me space and has been trying to communicate more (somewhat). He says he doesn’t want to lose what we have. He actually asked me out on a date for tomorrow for someplace HE planned and includes our critters (which he knows are very important to me). Part of me wants to be hopeful. A bigger part of me wonders if this is true change or him just being a good boy for a little while and then we will just loop the circle again. I have explained this to him and he seems to understand. Comprehension is good. I just don’t like what it has taken for it to happen & even though I’m doing a little better with the anger and bitterness, I’m not sure I can let it go altogether. I am really on my guard. H has promised that if things still don’t work out, he will move all of his personals out of my room and we can file for legal separation.

I have also reached out to our MD who is running testosterone and thyroid labs on him. Has upped his dosage of Wellbutrin to the max (MC put him on this because he felt H was depressed). I also asked MD for anti-D because of the stress and depression this has all thrown me into. I started a low dose of Celexa a couple of days ago. Weird side effects at first but that’s going away. MD says it will take weeks to kick in. I am hopeful. I need to feel good about me again.

Thanks for reading.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Update:

LOOPED IT! Round and round we go...

Gave him a link to read a little about asexuality and told him I would like to discuss it with him when he could do that without being defensive and getting angry for trying to save us. He said he had a late meeting at work and we could discuss it when he got home. I sat there and waited for him to start the conversation and he just wouldn’t. I finally asked him if he had changed his mind and wasn’t ready to talk and he (angrily) said no…that he felt I was just waiting for him to start the conversation. No kidding. I always start the conversation. I always start everything. I told him that was a nice way to turn things back on me.

Anyway…he said according to what he read (which was only the first part of what I sent…he didn’t even bother to read it all), that he was “probably asexual”. While he is saying all of this, he is venomously angry.

Talked to me about how he has NEVER understood the point of t1tty bars. He sounded absolutely disgusted by it. Said you had to pay a charge to get in, pay for expensive beer, and watch someone dance that you had absolutely no chance of taking home and sleeping with. I responded by saying “and you married a (former) dancer”. He asked me what my point was. Really? Jesus H Christ. I asked him what if your WIFE is dancing for you? It’s free and you CAN sleep with her. I pointed out that he isn’t into that either, so in my opinion, it has nothing to do with money. I asked him if he just couldn’t get into the fantasy of it and he said no.

I have also wondered for years why he sent me all of this romantic, sexy music when we were dating. For the first year that we were apart, all I could think about was that when we were finally together, it would be filled with music, wine, passion…etc. That’s what he led me to believe.

I now feel that although he appreciates music, he is not passionate about it…it does not move him. He doesn’t listen to some sexy saxophone or jazz and get in “the mood”. It’s just music to him. We used to argue about the volume of it when we were driving in the car. I would hear a particular song that I associated with him and turn it up…he would get aggravated and turn it down.

There are so many things that I see clearly now. Hind sight is 50/50 eh?

Back on track. I asked him at the end of that talk that he really needed to decide what he wants and where this should all go. I told him that I didn’t expect an immediate answer because I wanted him to really think things over. Well, he has completely shut down. No speaking other than “the dog pooped” or “I’m going to the store if you can think of anything we need”. It’s been almost a week and NOTHING. My train of thought at this point is that no answer is an answer in itself. I thought it over for a few days and told him that I left something out…that it was also MY life and MY decision as well. A couple days later I finally gave him my wedding ring and it’s just sitting there on the table beside his chair where he left it.

He had said before that if it didn’t work that he would move all of his personals out of our room and we would be in-home separated until there was enough equity in the house to sell and move on. He’s not sleeping in our room (I did lock him out over the weekend, but I doubt if he would have slept with me anyway), but he has not made any moves to completely leave our room. He’s just letting me sit here and wonder wtf is going on. 

I tried to talk to my son about our situation last Friday. He is upset because this is coming in between my visitation with them and my grandchildren. I won’t have my grandbabies over here when this house is so full of anger, silence, and tension. My son understands, but the conversation left me in tears and I had to leave early from work because I didn’t want anyone there knowing my business or seeing me bawling.

Over the weekend I have been trying to process everything. My stomach was so upset yesterday that I just stayed on the couch and drank ginger ale to try to get my stomach settled. I didn’t go into work today because I’m not ready to face my co-workers. I also needed today to do laundry and comb out the dogs because I couldn’t bring myself to get it done yesterday.

I am taking another day off tomorrow (I have vacation time and no pressing jobs going on at work) and I have scheduled an IC session with the marriage counselor we saw last year since he knows our background. Thank GOD my boss seems to be ok with everything.

I really don’t want to debate the whole asexual issue. He hasn’t been clinically diagnosed, but he never will be because it isn’t worth his time to look into it or what we can do to cope with it. I can’t keep doing everything for him. If he is “simply” LD…he is LLLLLD IMO and the end result is the same.

I had to run an errand over the weekend and on my way into the store, 2 guys from opposite directions raced to the door to hold it open for me. On the way out, a handsome young gentleman greeted me with that twinkle in the eye. I am trying to process the fact that I will NEVER get this from my husband, and it really is a deal breaker…and a heartbreaker as well. I feel like I’m on some other planet. 9 years of my life...for what? I’m hoping my session tomorrow will help.

Thanks to anyone who read all this mess. My husband is (was?) really my only true friend so I have no one to talk to, even if it is just to vent.


----------



## Dude007

Lizzy,

You do realize once this sitch is resolved, all those physical symptoms will go away? Your heart is taking you in a direction that will have you kicking and screaming but it can hammer you with the anxiety, depression and the like to force you to change an environment its not comfortable with. Take Care...DUDE


----------



## Orange_Pekoe

statuscomforts said:


> Sounds like both staying and leaving have positives and negatives. Would you rather stay and be miserable or leave and suffer the consequences? Which one sounds like the best worst option. Which can you live with?


I strongly agree with this.
Both options have their pros and cons - but ultimately, choose what will bring you the most inner peace. After all, that's what we strive for most in life.

Also, don't have a baby with him.


----------



## sapientia

Do I understand that you have 2 sons who are not your husband's children? Also, that you own a paid off home but that, if sold, wouldn't give either of you any upside?

In your situation, without any cheating or abuse, I would keep working and stop inflaming the situation with your H. Save what income you can in a separate account. You sound like a good saver, so this should be possible. Keep using birth control as the last thing you need is another dependent, unless you want to live as a welfare queen.

When the time is right, make a downpayment on a new, affordable home yourself and file for divorce if things haven't improved. You will split whatever assets you have then.

Good luck.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Dude007 said:


> Lizzy,
> 
> 
> 
> You do realize once this sitch is resolved, all those physical symptoms will go away? Your heart is taking you in a direction that will have you kicking and screaming but it can hammer you with the anxiety, depression and the like to force you to change an environment its not comfortable with. Take Care...DUDE



Yep. I get that very well. I'm stuck at the moment with no resolution though. When I started this post, I was of the frame of mind that it was time to throw in the towel and plan for my future outside of this marriage. H reeled me back in with empty promises again. Round the loop again.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I strongly agree with this.
> 
> Both options have their pros and cons - but ultimately, choose what will bring you the most inner peace. After all, that's what we strive for most in life.
> 
> 
> 
> Also, don't have a baby with him.



I also agree and I choose to get back to being me and not have all of this emotional drama and total lack of intimacy. I can't do it at this point so it's more of trying to figure out how to cohabitate peacefully until we can afford to move forward. It's hard to do anything with zero input from him. I feel at this point that he is messing with my emotions or perhaps punishing me for his own short comings. Or waiting for me to just tell him what to do, as usual.


----------



## Elizabeth001

sapientia said:


> Do I understand that you have 2 sons who are not your husband's children? Also, that you own a paid off home but that, if sold, wouldn't give either of you any upside?
> 
> 
> 
> In your situation, without any cheating or abuse, I would keep working and stop inflaming the situation with your H. Save what income you can in a separate account. You sound like a good saver, so this should be possible. Keep using birth control as the last thing you need is another dependent, unless you want to live as a welfare queen.
> 
> 
> 
> When the time is right, make a downpayment on a new, affordable home yourself and file for divorce if things haven't improved. You will split whatever assets you have then.
> 
> 
> 
> Good luck.



Not me. We each have 2 adult self-sustaining children. 

No babies. Had my tubes tied 22 years ago. lol 

The first post of this thread will further explain my situation.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Had a 2-hour session. I basically told him everything that I put here. He wants to see H for IC. 

I guess I'll hang in to see what's happening with that.


----------



## aine

How old is your husband? MLC going on perhaps?


----------



## Elizabeth001

aine said:


> How old is your husband? MLC going on perhaps?



55. MLC among other things.


----------



## sapientia

Elizabeth001 said:


> Not me. We each have 2 adult self-sustaining children.
> 
> No babies. Had my tubes tied 22 years ago. lol
> 
> The first post of this thread will further explain my situation.


Well, I quite botched this one, sorry.

But still, with your equity and personal wealth largely in your home and underwater, why would you leave? Your H isn't asking for divorce, so why not just live as roommates in peace until your situation improves. You wouldn't be the first mature married couple to do this. As you say, he would be fine with a split, financially. Not so for you.

My advice is really no different. Work and save, investing conservatively. Keep you head down, and try to work on your marriage if the mood suits. All sorts of crazy, weird miracles happen with time. When you can afford a small property, say a condo, move if you still want to and either sell your present home if it makes sense or keep it as an investment and rent it out.

I assume your children are too young to have the resources to buy you a condo that you would pay back to them?


----------



## sapientia

Elizabeth001 said:


> I have also reached out to our MD who is running testosterone and thyroid labs on him. Has upped his dosage of Wellbutrin to the max (MC put him on this because he felt H was depressed). I also asked MD for anti-D because of the stress and depression this has all thrown me into. I started a low dose of Celexa a couple of days ago. Weird side effects at first but that’s going away. MD says it will take weeks to kick in. I am hopeful. I need to feel good about me again.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


Is your H overweight? Otherwise healthy? Is his issues possibly related to developing CVD? Sexual issues can be an early sign of such.

Celexa might affect (lower) your libido, which might take the edge off your situation right now. Those things fog your brain so be very wary how long you stay on them. Tried them very early in my own separation but the effects scared me and I threw them away. I've also read about possible linkages of anxiolytics and alzheimers. The current data is for things like Valium, not Celexa, but all these drugs mess with your brain chemistry. Good luck.


----------



## Dude007

sapientia said:


> is your h overweight? Otherwise healthy? Is his issues possibly related to developing cvd? Sexual issues can be an early sign of such.
> 
> Celexa might affect (lower) your libido, which might take the edge off your situation right now. Those things fog your brain so be very wary how long you stay on them. Tried them very early in my own separation but the effects scared me and i threw them away. I've also read about possible linkages of anxiolytics and alzheimers. The current data is for things like valium, not celexa, but all these drugs mess with your brain chemistry. Good luck.


sap, nail on head!!!!!!!!!! Dude


----------



## Elizabeth001

sapientia said:


> Well, I quite botched this one, sorry.
> 
> *NBD...lots of folks coming through...lots of sexless marriages. Quite easy to get stories confused!*
> 
> But still, with your equity and personal wealth largely in your home and underwater, why would you leave? Your H isn't asking for divorce, so why not just live as roommates in peace until your situation improves. You wouldn't be the first mature married couple to do this. As you say, he would be fine with a split, financially. Not so for you.
> 
> *At this time, this is my plan. I don't understand why he hasn't moved out of our bedroom, though. I guess he knows if he does then it is truly over. He did set an appointment with our MC for next week, but he is still not speaking to me other than what is absolutely necessary.
> 
> At my session, our therapist told me that he doesn't think we can get very far with an in-home separation peacefully.*
> 
> My advice is really no different. Work and save, investing conservatively. Keep you head down, and try to work on your marriage if the mood suits. All sorts of crazy, weird miracles happen with time. When you can afford a small property, say a condo, move if you still want to and either sell your present home if it makes sense or keep it as an investment and rent it out.
> 
> *Thank you...my thoughts as well.*
> 
> I assume your children are too young to have the resources to buy you a condo that you would pay back to them?


*Yes...my oldest has 2 children of his own and one on the way. My youngest is in his early 20s and although he is self-supporting, he struggles financially, as most of us did at that age.*


----------



## Elizabeth001

sapientia said:


> Is your H overweight? Otherwise healthy? Is his issues possibly related to developing CVD? Sexual issues can be an early sign of such.
> 
> *He is somewhat overweight but he has lost quite a bit over the past year or so. Our MD wants him to lose a little more but few people couldn't stand to lose a little at least :wink2: He has issues with blood clots but has been on medication that controls it for years. Other than that, he is healthy. What is CVD?*
> 
> Celexa might affect (lower) your libido, which might take the edge off your situation right now. Those things fog your brain so be very wary how long you stay on them.
> 
> *I've been on other AD meds before in my life that did affect my libido but the Celexa doesn't. If anything it has increased, which is actually a bad thing in my current situation. I only plan to take them until my life calms down and I have a solid direction. The therapist and my MD agree that I need the band-aid right now though and they do help...a lot.*
> 
> Tried them very early in my own separation but the effects scared me and I threw them away.
> 
> *Yep...the side effects were not fun but they are gone now for me.*
> 
> I've also read about possible linkages of anxiolytics and alzheimers. The current data is for things like Valium, not Celexa, but all these drugs mess with your brain chemistry. Good luck.
> 
> *My brain chemistry needed messing with. lol
> 
> Thanks so much for your post!*


----------



## Trickster

Elizabeth-

Are there other reasons, other than finances, that prevent you from divorcing life health insurance? Can you financially be on your own? Can your husband? Is your husband so passive that he doesn't have input? What does he expect you to do? Does he know you are unhappy and on meds?



My wife and I are discussing term of a divorce. Well, I am. She just listens and nods. Because of lack of funds, we may have to live together for several years. We've been sleeping in separate rooms for about a year now. We are unofficially separated. More than likely, I will definitely re-fi in my name and she won't have any part of that. The amount of the mortgage would be a rough amount of child support, if she gets custody. Another term would be my wife would have to take some classes. She has to be able to support herself in a few years. She failed the teacher alternative certification test. Two times!!! Not that I would do any better. I'd fail that test as well. Divorce is the only way to get her off her butt and hope she gets serious. She has to find something to increase her income.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Trickster said:


> Elizabeth-
> 
> Are there other reasons, other than finances, that prevent you from divorcing life health insurance? Can you financially be on your own? Can your husband?
> 
> >>>We can both be independent. Obviously, I would nowhere near have the carefree lifestyle I have now but my piece of mind is much more important to me. He makes almost twice what I do and has major bucks coming when mom passes. I never cared about that. I am in no way a monitory person. All I need is enough.
> 
> >>>The other things that have held me this far is the fact that I do love him tremendously and have invested 9 years of my life. If you took communication, sexual and emotional intimacy off the table, we would be the perfect couple. lol
> 
> Is your husband so passive that he doesn't have input?
> 
> >>>Yep
> 
> What does he expect you to do? Does he know you are unhappy and on meds?
> 
> >>>I don't think he knows or cares what I'm supposed to do. He knows very well I am extremely unhappy & seems to be content to let me stew in it. He has always waited on me to make 99% of the decisions and this situation seems no different.
> 
> My wife and I are discussing term of a divorce. Well, I am. She just listens and nods.
> 
> >>>Makes you feel really loved and cherished, huh?
> 
> Because of lack of funds, we may have to live together for several years.
> 
> >>>Don't think I can do this, however I will have to until the house sells. If we could make it for 3 more years, we would both come out of this very comfortably. I don't think he cares with his inheritance coming.
> 
> We've been sleeping in separate rooms for about a year now. We are unofficially separated.
> 
> >>>He moved all of his personals out of my room yesterday.
> 
> More than likely, I will definitely re-fi in my name and she won't have any part of that. The amount of the mortgage would be a rough amount of child support, if she gets custody. Another term would be my wife would have to take some classes. She has to be able to support herself in a few years. She failed the teacher alternative certification test. Two times!!! Not that I would do any better. I'd fail that test as well. Divorce is the only way to get her off her butt and hope she gets serious. She has to find something to increase her income.


Good luck with that. At least we don't have that issue or children.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Christ above. This "living together" thing while we "work the financials out" SUCKS the biggest balls I've ever seen. 

House is going up the first of December. 

Anyone want to help me bury the body? I have no money but I'm SO ready to trade for sexual favors 

Edited because my keyboard is doing weird sh1t...or because it's my 3rd glass of wine. Hoo nose?


----------



## Zman

Hello E001, 

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am a 54 yo male, close to your H age. I can tell you from my experience that I have to really put a lot of effort into my nutrition, exercise and sleep in order to function at a reasonable level. I find it strange that your H does not want to mentally or physically engage you. How is he doing in these areas? What is a typical day like for him?

What would be his explanation of the situation? Does he feel you are overbearing or nagging him?

Based upon your version of the story, he seems rather complacent and resigned that you are not going anywhere. Most guys would be thrilled to have an attractive mate with a little spunk in them. And you work and help pay down the bills on top of it. What a deal!

I have 2 possible ideas to help get him motivated but would like hear your answers to the above. Also, I'm no Dr. but tend to agree with the other posters that the less drugs the better. They can really mess with yours and his systems in unanticipated ways.


----------



## happy as a clam

Elizabeth,

Not sure how I missed your thread... I usually zero right in on the "asexual" threads... 

I was married to an asexual man for 20 years. It sucks, big time. It sucks the life out of you, sucks the air you breathe, sucks your very soul away.

I finally divorced him. I have been in a LTR with the most wonderful man for the past 5 years. He meets my needs in all ways -- emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. I am over-the-moon happy. Even if I was single with just my dogs, I would still be over-the-moon happy. Anything is better than living in a loveless, sexless marriage.

I wish you the very best. It will get better.


----------



## Elizabeth001

happy as a clam said:


> Elizabeth,
> 
> Not sure how I missed your thread... I usually zero right in on the "asexual" threads...
> 
> I was married to an asexual man for 20 years. It sucks, big time. It sucks the life out of you, sucks the air you breathe, sucks your very soul away.
> 
> I finally divorced him. I have been in a LTR with the most wonderful man for the past 5 years. He meets my needs in all ways -- emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. I am over-the-moon happy. Even if I was single with just my dogs, I would still be over-the-moon happy. Anything is better than living in a loveless, sexless marriage.
> 
> I wish you the very best. It will get better.



Thank you so much Happy. That post means a lot to me. 

We are putting the house up for sale on the first of December. I am looking forward to not beating a dead horse 

Trying to let go of the anger. 

I have also tried to engage him in conversation but I'm going to stop. He is always defensive and gets angry. Without communication, there's just no point. 

I'm going to start packing a few things like photos & nicknacks...throw all the unnecessary crap out. Go through shoes & clothes, etc. Doing anything that moves me forward. I think it will be therapeutic for me. 

Thanks again. It really brightened my day


----------



## Elizabeth001

Zman said:


> Hello E001,
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry to hear about your situation. I am a 54 yo male, close to your H age. I can tell you from my experience that I have to really put a lot of effort into my nutrition, exercise and sleep in order to function at a reasonable level. I find it strange that your H does not want to mentally or physically engage you. How is he doing in these areas? What is a typical day like for him?
> 
> 
> 
> What would be his explanation of the situation? Does he feel you are overbearing or nagging him?
> 
> 
> 
> Based upon your version of the story, he seems rather complacent and resigned that you are not going anywhere. Most guys would be thrilled to have an attractive mate with a little spunk in them. And you work and help pay down the bills on top of it. What a deal!
> 
> 
> 
> I have 2 possible ideas to help get him motivated but would like hear your answers to the above. Also, I'm no Dr. but tend to agree with the other posters that the less drugs the better. They can really mess with yours and his systems in unanticipated ways.



Thank you for the post. My H isn't going to do anything for us or himself and my arms are worn out from rowing the boat all by myself. I don't want to spend one more day trying to figure him out. He can go be miserable by himself


----------



## Dude007

I think you should keep drinking wine. That makes your thread that more fun! Ha


----------



## Elizabeth001

This is how I walk the dogs. Too bad I can't take the fenced-in yard with me :/


----------



## Dude007

Is that a Merlot or Cab Sav?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Merlot. I love cab but gives me headache next day. Boo


----------



## Dude007

At least it wasn't white zin, I would have had to make fun of you!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Oh man...I would have made fun of me too!


----------



## Zman

Elizabeth001 said:


> View attachment 38737
> 
> 
> This is how I walk the dogs. Too bad I can't take the fenced-in yard with me :/



Nice view! Sorry you will have to leave it behind. I just can't imagine what is going thru your husband's mind to let you and it all go away.

Best of luck for your future!


----------



## Elizabeth001

I can't imagine either and since he doesn't share with me, I'll probably never know. The lack of communication is probably the fundamental reason we are divorcing. If he could have opened up to me and had been honest with himself I have no doubt we could have found a place that we both could have been content with. 

I have spent 9+ years of my life trying to figure him out and in the process of bending to what he wants, I have lost my true self. 

He has zero ability to be empathetic and avoids anything that is an inconvenience to him. 

It's really weird now that my rose-colored glasses are fading. I see clearly every day now what a selfish and self-centered a$$hole he really is. 

I just let it go now and try to stay focused on a brighter future for myself. I would rather be alone than lonely in a marriage.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Dang...if you could "like" your own post, I would have "liked" that one. lol


----------



## Trickster

Dang, so many similarities Liz,

Divorce is discussed daily now. My wife avoids all conflicts. She is maintaining a job as well as looking for a part time job. I would rather her to take some classes to get a better paying job. I want her to be independent in a few years or sooner.

She still doesn't want to divorce. She thinks she is doing me a favor by giving me freedom to have sex with other women, spend time with hobbys, and work extra hours without having to rush home like used too. She reminds me that our daughter would be torn between two homes and would be hurt if we divorce and uses my disfunctionial childhood, guilt, and the love I have for my daughter to control me.

I still have no idea what her goals are for herself or what goes on in her brain. She act like she is a helpless victim of my abuse. If that was true, she should be doing everything possible to get away from me. She seems to be the one in control.

I am happy for you Elizabeth.


----------



## Dude007

trickster said:


> she still doesn't want to divorce. She reminds me that our daughter would be torn between two homes and would be hurt if we divorce and uses my disfunctionial childhood, guilt, and the love i have for my daughter to control me.


this sounds very familiar!!!! Dude


----------



## Elizabeth001

Trickster said:


> Dang, so many similarities Liz,
> 
> 
> 
> Divorce is discussed daily now. My wife avoids all conflicts. She is maintaining a job as well as looking for a part time job. I would rather her to take some classes to get a better paying job. I want her to be independent in a few years or sooner.
> 
> 
> 
> She still doesn't want to divorce. She thinks she is doing me a favor by giving me freedom to have sex with other women, spend time with hobbys, and work extra hours without having to rush home like used too. She reminds me that our daughter would be torn between two homes and would be hurt if we divorce and uses my disfunctionial childhood, guilt, and the love I have for my daughter to control me.
> 
> 
> 
> I still have no idea what her goals are for herself or what goes on in her brain. She act like she is a helpless victim of my abuse. If that was true, she should be doing everything possible to get away from me. She seems to be the one in control.
> 
> 
> 
> I am happy for you Elizabeth.



Thank you Trickster. I feel so good about where I'm going. I have always been an independent person though. I had my own thing going when I met him and as I have said before, he brought 20k worth of debt into our marriage. He has major bucks coming but he can have it. I only need what I need...money has always been just a means to live for me. If I'm never any richer than I am right now, I did great considering where I came from 

My H didn't want a divorce either but why should he when I sacrificed my own passions, wants and needs to make things the way he likes it? He has it made. 

I do wish you the very best. I'm am so thankful that I don't have children with him. I can imagine how you must feel 

ETA: He HAD it made


----------



## Trickster

Elizabeth001 said:


> Thank you Trickster. I feel so good about where I'm going. I have always been an independent person though. I had my own thing going when I met him and as I have said before, he brought 20k worth of debt into our marriage. He has major bucks coming but he can have it. I only need what I need...money has always been just a means to live for me. If I'm never any richer than I am right now, I did great considering where I came from
> 
> My H didn't want a divorce either but why should he when I sacrificed my own passions, wants and needs to make things the way he likes it? He has it made.
> 
> I do wish you the very best. I'm am so thankful that I don't have children with him. I can imagine how you must feel
> 
> ETA: He HAD it made


I never had debt until I met my wife. I had a simple frugal life and lived within my means. 

My wife has money coming her way in the future as well. Both of her parents are not doing all that well. Their money has been tied up in land with a value that has taken a nose dive over the last several years. They finally sold it, but they have debt, medical bills, and who knows what else. Even so, my wife may get some change when they pass away. This was his final financial legacy. 

My guess it would easily be 6 figures, not counting life insurance. I asked my wife if it were to be that much, we could easily divorce and she could use it to put a huge down payment on a home in our neighborhood. I would keep our home along with all the debt. She said she wouldn't want to do that. She would still want that intact home. She doesn't want me to leave either. I do very little for her now. 

I also did a lot to make things the way my wife wanted it. II was a doormat!


----------



## mmcm3333

First, to be honest, you probably didn't know him that well before you married- and I think you're realizing this. You knew each other a year before you married- during which it was long distance dating and you only saw him on weekends. That's just not enough time to know someone really well, so the 'bait and switch' isn't really fair. If he seemed different, well, that's easy to believe if you only saw him on weekends. The 'Knight in shining armor' comment was confusing because from the get-go, you took care of his debt and (it sounds like) the new house. You don't specify how long he was living off your income before he got work and didn't mention if he put any money down on the new house- it sounds like he didn't- and you seem to suggest he's not contributing much now. If he was really a man that could 'take charge in any situation', he would have never let any of this happen. He would have resolved his own debts (or on his own made a plan to pay you back) and made sure he could contribute even if it meant working a crappy, temporary job as soon as you decided to get married. It sounds like you're compensating and that's a bad way to start a new marriage- where you're the only one contributing financially. I'm guessing you two didn't sit down before marriage and have an explicit conversation about finances (debt, who contributes what, what's expected, etc.). I think you expected something else and he's not delivering and now you're feeling angry, hurt, and used.

In terms of intimacy, when the relationship becomes a mom/son situation, no wonder. Who wants to have sex with someone that acts like a mother? Or who acts like a child? As women, we typically want a strong man who we consider our 'hero'. They don't have to be rich, but going back to primitive instincts, they should be the hunter/gatherer- finding a way to make things work as best they can and not relying on or using their woman. On the flip side, a man wants a woman that needs them and looks up to them. If he's not even trying, he's either been taught that's okay or abusing the situation. That's just not desirable. And you have to ask yourself what role you have in this now- my guess is he's been this way a long time and maybe you knew some of this, but told yourself he'll change. If you didn't know this, you saw it immediately once you got married and have been carrying/justifying this for years. Marriage is no magic wand.

You mention money and the house a LOT. As I said, I'm guessing that before you married, you didn't have a full discussion about finances and responsibilities and expectations (in terms of contribution to the household). What was his expected income, what was he going to contribute (to the household, to savings, etc)? It's okay if you marry someone that makes less, but be clear that a relative percentage of contribution is expected. From the beginning, you showed him you'll be the one handling all of that. You both kind of set the tone of the marriage from the get-go. And now you're in a difficult place with this new house and it's kind of taking over everything. Yes, that can happen, but what I'd be upset about is that it sounds like your husband isn't really involved in this- you're dealing with this by yourself and he's not stepping up in whatever capacity he can (if he can't financially, he should make up for in other ways). 

It's no wonder you're not happy. Your needs aren't being met and you married a man that is...well, lazy and okay with letting his wife take care of everything. If he showed he was a fighter, he'd have worked his ass off to show he was serious about being a good husband and provider. 

The thing about apologies and nice emails and letters and talk is it only means something if it's followed-up by actions. And actions can't be fleeting to affect real changes. He has to be consistent. His 'talk' becomes meaningless and you lose trust in his words because they're not backed by (consistent) actions. Your husband mentioned he wants to bring back the way you felt when you were apart- but if he says this and doesn't back it up with anything, it means nothing. Nice words, but that's all it is. You can't believe anything he promises because his promises are nothing- and you must know that by now. 

You have to ask yourself how long you'll deal with this. Years have already gone by and nothing has gotten better. Another 8 years could go by like this- is that okay with you? If counseling doesn't work or he's not even budging or making good on his word, then make a real move. Give yourself a chance to find real happiness- even if that means being alone. No, being with someone sucking off you, taking this emotional toll on you, is not better than being alone. You were okay before, you'll be okay again. You might actually be able to find someone that makes you feel good. Time is precious- why waste it feeling so bad or waiting for some man to miraculously change after so many years where he could have done something- anything- to enact change and didn't?

It sounds like some (or most?) of your reluctance to make a decision is based on financial issues. So, I'm glad you have a realtor involved. I'd also contact your lender to see about refinancing (again) and other options in terms of divorce/your situation (sometimes you can qualify for a short sale if necessary). Honestly, to break even, as you said, is good enough. It gets this big weight off your back and you can think clearly (since it sounds like the house/finances are a huge issue), start over and think maybe a little more objectively about the rest of your life. (I lost nearly $30k on my first house, but it was better to get it off my back than keep paying a mortgage for a house I wasn't living in- it sucked, but it was also a huge relief- I wish I'd broken even, so take it if you can and then you can focus on everything else).


----------



## Elizabeth001

mmcm3333 said:


> First, to be honest, you probably didn't know him that well before you married- and I think you're realizing this. You knew each other a year before you married- during which it was long distance dating and you only saw him on weekends. That's just not enough time to know someone really well, so the 'bait and switch' isn't really fair. If he seemed different, well, that's easy to believe if you only saw him on weekends. The 'Knight in shining armor' comment was confusing because from the get-go, you took care of his debt and (it sounds like) the new house. You don't specify how long he was living off your income before he got work and didn't mention if he put any money down on the new house- it sounds like he didn't- and you seem to suggest he's not contributing much now. If he was really a man that could 'take charge in any situation', he would have never let any of this happen. He would have resolved his own debts (or on his own made a plan to pay you back) and made sure he could contribute even if it meant working a crappy, temporary job as soon as you decided to get married. It sounds like you're compensating and that's a bad way to start a new marriage- where you're the only one contributing financially. I'm guessing you two didn't sit down before marriage and have an explicit conversation about finances (debt, who contributes what, what's expected, etc.). I think you expected something else and he's not delivering and now you're feeling angry, hurt, and used.
> 
> In terms of intimacy, when the relationship becomes a mom/son situation, no wonder. Who wants to have sex with someone that acts like a mother? Or who acts like a child? As women, we typically want a strong man who we consider our 'hero'. They don't have to be rich, but going back to primitive instincts, they should be the hunter/gatherer- finding a way to make things work as best they can and not relying on or using their woman. On the flip side, a man wants a woman that needs them and looks up to them. If he's not even trying, he's either been taught that's okay or abusing the situation. That's just not desirable. And you have to ask yourself what role you have in this now- my guess is he's been this way a long time and maybe you knew some of this, but told yourself he'll change. If you didn't know this, you saw it immediately once you got married and have been carrying/justifying this for years. Marriage is no magic wand.
> 
> You mention money and the house a LOT. As I said, I'm guessing that before you married, you didn't have a full discussion about finances and responsibilities and expectations (in terms of contribution to the household). What was his expected income, what was he going to contribute (to the household, to savings, etc)? It's okay if you marry someone that makes less, but be clear that a relative percentage of contribution is expected. From the beginning, you showed him you'll be the one handling all of that. You both kind of set the tone of the marriage from the get-go. And now you're in a difficult place with this new house and it's kind of taking over everything. Yes, that can happen, but what I'd be upset about is that it sounds like your husband isn't really involved in this- you're dealing with this by yourself and he's not stepping up in whatever capacity he can (if he can't financially, he should make up for in other ways).
> 
> It's no wonder you're not happy. Your needs aren't being met and you married a man that is...well, lazy and okay with letting his wife take care of everything. If he showed he was a fighter, he'd have worked his ass off to show he was serious about being a good husband and provider.
> 
> The thing about apologies and nice emails and letters and talk is it only means something if it's followed-up by actions. And actions can't be fleeting to affect real changes. He has to be consistent. His 'talk' becomes meaningless and you lose trust in his words because they're not backed by (consistent) actions. Your husband mentioned he wants to bring back the way you felt when you were apart- but if he says this and doesn't back it up with anything, it means nothing. Nice words, but that's all it is. You can't believe anything he promises because his promises are nothing- and you must know that by now.
> 
> You have to ask yourself how long you'll deal with this. Years have already gone by and nothing has gotten better. Another 8 years could go by like this- is that okay with you? If counseling doesn't work or he's not even budging or making good on his word, then make a real move. Give yourself a chance to find real happiness- even if that means being alone. No, being with someone sucking off you, taking this emotional toll on you, is not better than being alone. You were okay before, you'll be okay again. You might actually be able to find someone that makes you feel good. Time is precious- why waste it feeling so bad or waiting for some man to miraculously change after so many years where he could have done something- anything- to enact change and didn't?
> 
> It sounds like some (or most?) of your reluctance to make a decision is based on financial issues. So, I'm glad you have a realtor involved. I'd also contact your lender to see about refinancing (again) and other options in terms of divorce/your situation (sometimes you can qualify for a short sale if necessary). Honestly, to break even, as you said, is good enough. It gets this big weight off your back and you can think clearly (since it sounds like the house/finances are a huge issue), start over and think maybe a little more objectively about the rest of your life. (I lost nearly $30k on my first house, but it was better to get it off my back than keep paying a mortgage for a house I wasn't living in- it sucked, but it was also a huge relief- I wish I'd broken even, so take it if you can and then you can focus on everything else).



Well...a lot of what you said is true and most of it I have figured out along the way. He didn't come here full time until he secured employment. I didn't worry so much about my investment because he makes nearly double of what I do. 

I talk about money a lot because I was born poor and have struggled for survival most of my life. I don't need to be wealthy but I don't want to start all over with nothing again. 

It's all good. We are getting along for the most part. I see the attorney on Wednesday to get the ball rolling on the separation agreement. We are agreed on everything. He is giving me my original investment and 25% of his debt that he brought straight off the top of the sale. Everything else will be split 50/50. The house will go up on the first of December. 

I should have enough to pay off my car and invest in a condo/townhouse. Feeling pretty good about all of it and ready to move on. Thanks for your post.


----------



## Marc878

Hey good luck to you in a bad situation.


----------



## Openminded

I started over with virtually nothing after a 45 year marriage and a life that had been filled with everything on a grand scale. But I don't miss anything about my former life. I lead an extremely simple life now and I love it. I'm finally happy and at peace. 

People stay in bad marriages far, far too long. I did. Don't let it happen to you.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Well...I think I have stayed too long already but I am looking forward to a simple and peaceful life myself. I wish I could make it happen sooner but I'm making good progress. 

H agreed to go ahead and put the house on the market. Shear relief. Emailed real estate agent and she will get started on the CMA right away...should have it by the end of the week. Please cross your fingers!

Saw divorce attorney last Wednesday and gave her all pertinent details. Should have a rough draft either tomorrow or Tuesday. She wants to get his signature ASAP before he changes his mind. 

Packed a few nicknacks over the weekend. I have been feeling down and don't know why because things are finally moving along. Maybe tomorrow will be better when I get back to work. 

It's hard to be here over the weekends and all this rain doesn't help. 

I guess I should start posting in "going through" instead of "considering". 

Thank you for your post. Each and every post is a small lifesaver in an angry sea.


----------



## Marc878

It won't be easy, any type of change never is but you must keep thinking that your life is what you are going to make it.

Or you just get more of the same. 

I hope it works out well for you.


----------



## DanielleBennett

I can understand that you don't want to leave because you are strapped for funds and starting over always sucks. But is your happiness worth that? Would you rather stay in a place with a man who makes you unhappy or do you want to get your life back and work for yourself and build yourself up?


----------



## Elizabeth001

Trust me hon...I'm out. Currently doing everything I can. Thanks for your post. I agree.


----------



## Trickster

Hey Elizabeth-

It's a crazy mixed up world when we congratulate somebody for their divorce. 

Your happy future awaits!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Thanks Trickster. I'm mostly excited but I have bad days. It's very difficult to live in the same house while separated and moving towards divorce. We get along pretty well for the most part. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I question why? Why wasn't my best good enough? He says he just doesn't know. He knows he can't give me what I need. He's just so unemotional about it and that really hurts.


----------



## Trickster

Elizabeth001 said:


> Thanks Trickster. I'm mostly excited but I have bad days. It's very difficult to live in the same house while separated and moving towards divorce. We get along pretty well for the most part. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I question why? Why wasn't my best good enough? He says he just doesn't know. He knows he can't give me what I need. He's just so unemotional about it and that really hurts.



My wife is so unemotional about everything as well. It doesn't bother her at all when I go out with friends or even a date. My wife and I are, for a lack of a better term, are separated. We are just still under the same roof. She has no desire to change our situation. That's the part that I don't under stand.

My FIL passed away a few days ago. He fell down a flight of stairs. My wife didn't shed a tear, not that I seen. He was in his 80's. It's weird how I was just talking aboutif he passed a few post back.

I don't know if this will change her financial situation or if she will still want to continue down our same path. She would still be happy to be roommates.


----------



## Elizabeth001




----------



## Elizabeth001

Trickster...do have a thread?


----------



## Trickster

Elizabeth001 said:


> Trickster...do have a thread?


At one time, I had many threads. Every time I would read back over them, read my comments, read all the stupid things I tried, and all the responses and advice from Tammers, I realized I was/am the screwed up one. My threads confirmed that. It was on one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

I am staying in a platonic marriage with a woman who has no desire for sex and romance, sees nothing wrong with that, and is unwilling to change the situation. To me, there was nothing in my many threads that I felt at the time, would help anybody. Maybe I thought I could just erase all the totally stupid pointless things I tried to do to fix my marriage. Maybe I reached my bottom. Now I don't give a **** about fixing anything regarding my marriage. My wife seems relieved that I no longer pester her for sex. I love my daughter more than my desire for sex. I am able to sleep most night now where I wasn't before.

I have accepted the fact that my wife will never love me the way that I want her to. She will never love me the way I love her. That's the part that hurts.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Oh my...that stinks. It's just like us but I feel I deserve to be wanted and for someone to return my emotions. I'd rather be alone than sad and rejected. I woke up one day and realized that I had bent myself so far to please him that I was no longer my true and happy self. I am slowly finding me again. 

I guess your child is the only difference. Our kids are grown. I'm so sorry for your situation Trickster. I hope you find happiness again.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I've been feeling lately that I need to update this thread but I just can't seem to do it. Oy. 

All I can say for now is let living in the same house while separated be the ABSOLUTE LAST OPTION! It's hell on earth. 

I've always had a lot of dreams. I have had a ton of lucid dreams (fun!) and sometimes I fly (awesome...watch out for the power lines 

Well..now I move. Every. Single. Night. 

It's never a really nice place, but I don't care. There's the sense that it is MINE & SAFE. And I am telling myself not to worry because I'll make it work. 

And the sheer joy knowing that I will. 

The old folks say not to wish your life away but I sure do wish I was "there" now. I think I will sleep very deeply there. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Elizabeth001 said:


> I also took my dogs with me because I couldn't bear to be without them and then I felt bad about taking them away from their home


Dogs aren't fixated on property. When the pack moves, they adjust.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Thanks Spot (very appropriate lol). They are doing well. There have been lots of adjustments in our home situation lately and although it takes a few days, they catch on to the new routine well. 

I feel much better about taking them on "the big move" now. I have changed my mind about moving to a condo. I'm now looking at smaller houses with fenced in yard because I feel they deserve it.

I'm so glad I have them in my life. They give me so much affection and love. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

mmcm3333 said:


> First, to be honest, you probably didn't know him that well before you married- and I think you're realizing this. You knew each other a year before you married- during which it was long distance dating and you only saw him on weekends. That's just not enough time to know someone really well, so the 'bait and switch' isn't really fair. If he seemed different, well, that's easy to believe if you only saw him on weekends. The 'Knight in shining armor' comment was confusing because from the get-go, you took care of his debt and (it sounds like) the new house. You don't specify how long he was living off your income before he got work and didn't mention if he put any money down on the new house- it sounds like he didn't- and you seem to suggest he's not contributing much now. If he was really a man that could 'take charge in any situation', he would have never let any of this happen. He would have resolved his own debts (or on his own made a plan to pay you back) and made sure he could contribute even if it meant working a crappy, temporary job as soon as you decided to get married. It sounds like you're compensating and that's a bad way to start a new marriage- where you're the only one contributing financially. I'm guessing you two didn't sit down before marriage and have an explicit conversation about finances (debt, who contributes what, what's expected, etc.). I think you expected something else and he's not delivering and now you're feeling angry, hurt, and used.
> 
> In terms of intimacy, when the relationship becomes a mom/son situation, no wonder. Who wants to have sex with someone that acts like a mother? Or who acts like a child? As women, we typically want a strong man who we consider our 'hero'. They don't have to be rich, but going back to primitive instincts, they should be the hunter/gatherer- finding a way to make things work as best they can and not relying on or using their woman. On the flip side, a man wants a woman that needs them and looks up to them. If he's not even trying, he's either been taught that's okay or abusing the situation. That's just not desirable. And you have to ask yourself what role you have in this now- my guess is he's been this way a long time and maybe you knew some of this, but told yourself he'll change. If you didn't know this, you saw it immediately once you got married and have been carrying/justifying this for years. Marriage is no magic wand.
> 
> You mention money and the house a LOT. As I said, I'm guessing that before you married, you didn't have a full discussion about finances and responsibilities and expectations (in terms of contribution to the household). What was his expected income, what was he going to contribute (to the household, to savings, etc)? It's okay if you marry someone that makes less, but be clear that a relative percentage of contribution is expected. From the beginning, you showed him you'll be the one handling all of that. You both kind of set the tone of the marriage from the get-go. And now you're in a difficult place with this new house and it's kind of taking over everything. Yes, that can happen, but what I'd be upset about is that it sounds like your husband isn't really involved in this- you're dealing with this by yourself and he's not stepping up in whatever capacity he can (if he can't financially, he should make up for in other ways).
> 
> It's no wonder you're not happy. Your needs aren't being met and you married a man that is...well, lazy and okay with letting his wife take care of everything. If he showed he was a fighter, he'd have worked his ass off to show he was serious about being a good husband and provider.
> 
> The thing about apologies and nice emails and letters and talk is it only means something if it's followed-up by actions. And actions can't be fleeting to affect real changes. He has to be consistent. His 'talk' becomes meaningless and you lose trust in his words because they're not backed by (consistent) actions. Your husband mentioned he wants to bring back the way you felt when you were apart- but if he says this and doesn't back it up with anything, it means nothing. Nice words, but that's all it is. You can't believe anything he promises because his promises are nothing- and you must know that by now.
> 
> You have to ask yourself how long you'll deal with this. Years have already gone by and nothing has gotten better. Another 8 years could go by like this- is that okay with you? If counseling doesn't work or he's not even budging or making good on his word, then make a real move. Give yourself a chance to find real happiness- even if that means being alone. No, being with someone sucking off you, taking this emotional toll on you, is not better than being alone. You were okay before, you'll be okay again. You might actually be able to find someone that makes you feel good. Time is precious- why waste it feeling so bad or waiting for some man to miraculously change after so many years where he could have done something- anything- to enact change and didn't?
> 
> It sounds like some (or most?) of your reluctance to make a decision is based on financial issues. So, I'm glad you have a realtor involved. I'd also contact your lender to see about refinancing (again) and other options in terms of divorce/your situation (sometimes you can qualify for a short sale if necessary). Honestly, to break even, as you said, is good enough. It gets this big weight off your back and you can think clearly (since it sounds like the house/finances are a huge issue), start over and think maybe a little more objectively about the rest of your life. (I lost nearly $30k on my first house, but it was better to get it off my back than keep paying a mortgage for a house I wasn't living in- it sucked, but it was also a huge relief- I wish I'd broken even, so take it if you can and then you can focus on everything else).



This post was spot on & much appreciated, even if I was too emotional to see it at the time. Thanks so much!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera

I'm glad you're still moving forward. Have you read Navy3's thread? It might inspire you.


----------



## Elizabeth001

turnera said:


> I'm glad you're still moving forward. Have you read Navy3's thread? It might inspire you.



Taking some time off while I have a chance around the holiday and I will make a point of looking that up. Thank you...I read a lot of your posts and you are awesome 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

@turnera...her thread seems to be about abuse. Not really sure how that pertains to my situation?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera

Sorry, should have been more specific. Did you make it all the way through? She ended up leaving him, despite horrific obstacles. In other words, if she can do it, anyone can.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I'm just trying to not kill him before this house sells :/


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Alicachesch

Eliabeth001,

I feel true sorry for your life story. My mom did the same choice as you did. As a child I observed it and decided that everyone, even MOMs (!!!) deserve to be happy and do what they want to do.. The fact you did not do what you wanted to do (having friends, hobbies), it is your sacrifice to your marriage... I have somewhat similar situation as yours except upside down: I have friends and hobbies and no husband behind my shoulder... That is why I am here on this forum... I am trying to understand: my husband and I do not just match each other? Or we do not know how work problems out? Did you notice that we learned in school: math, science, history, but nothing about good spouse? How to choose your important another... For sure that the work of marriage should be done from both side... Both sides should work things out... As we can see from the post above, it does not happen as it should... From my life experience at least half of marriages, when one of the sides does not want to do its part of the job...


----------



## 225985

Elizabeth001 said:


> I'm just trying to not kill him before this house sells :/


Did you sell the house?


----------



## Elizabeth001

No. We just finished the 6 month contract with the agent with zero bites. Very frustrating. We have a new agent starting soon so I'm hopeful. We are both ready to move on. 

Thanks for asking )


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Oh and he is still alive and I am not in prison. Yay!

Bwahaaa 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------

