# I know he doesn’t love me anymore but he says otherwise



## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

Okay so I dated my husband for 3 years before we got married and had our son. We had discussed doing a wedding at the courthouse & then trying for our son. As soon as I got pregnant things changed, he stopped sleeping in the same bed as me, he rarely talked to me, and toward the end of my pregnancy he started back playing WOW obsessively. I barely ever spoke to him after that and when I did he was very annoyed by my presence. So then it come time to give birth, I’m hoping that maybe after he sees what I’m about to go through he’ll connect with me and we’ll have that beautiful moment that parents are supposed to share. I thought he would be there to support me through the birth. He did not. He completely didn’t connect with me at all and was annoyed to be rubbing my back during my transition. He didn’t encourage me as I was pushing. Nothing. Then our son is born and he being a great father right off the bat. Caring for our son, loving him, and that made my heart melt. However he was still cold to me as I was recovering in the hospital. So then we bring baby home and I think okay, we just have to get through these first 6 weeks and then things will start to go back to normal. 
My son is almost 10 months old and he shows me no affection what so ever. We don’t sleep in the same bed, we don’t have sex, we don’t hug or kiss, we don’t say nice things to each other. We coexist as parents and roommates and we do that well. 
I just want a marriage and to feel loved. I haven’t been shown any kind of affection in 1 year and some months. I’m going through ppd, my father figure died, I’m not in a good place. And I need his love now more than ever. I’ve tried talking to him about this on numerous occasions, he just blows me off. 
I don’t know what to do. I can’t fix the problem, if he won’t tell me what the problem is.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You can't fix the problem if he won't admit that there is a problem or won't address the problem. 

There are probably many possible reasons why he is doing this. Some fixable (issues that can be addressed in therapy), some not (like him being gay). 

The situation will not resolve itself. If you don't want to live like this then you need to start preparing to leave. Doing that will help you get out of this situation but it may also scare your husband into taking action if he sees that you are serious about leaving.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry but words don’t mean anything. Actions do.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

How was your sex life before marriage? If it was low could it be possible that he is either (a) asexual, or (b) gay, and hid it from you? Maybe he wanted a child, but not a wife?


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## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

Galabar01 said:


> How was your sex life before marriage? If it was low could it be possible that he is either (a) asexual, or (b) gay, and hid it from you? Maybe he wanted a child, but not a wife?


Our sex life was great before I got pregnant. It’s still a possibility or me that he just wanted a child not a wife but he could’ve just been honest if that the he felt, you know?


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## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

bobert said:


> You can't fix the problem if he won't admit that there is a problem or won't address the problem.
> 
> There are probably many possible reasons why he is doing this. Some fixable (issues that can be addressed in therapy), some not (like him being gay).
> 
> The situation will not resolve itself. If you don't want to live like this then you need to start preparing to leave. Doing that will help you get out of this situation but it may also scare your husband into taking action if he sees that you are serious about leaving.


I’m not really in a position to leave and I don’t wanna give up on us just yet. Not until I get some answers.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

What does he say if you ask him why he's so cold? It is possible you did something behind his back that he found out about? It seems like a very strange situation.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I have heard in the past of a kind of guy who has this "Madonna" complex. (Not like the Material Girl Madonna, but the religious icon) It's a deal where it's like once a woman is a mother he has a hard time seeing her as a sexual being any more. But I would be afraid to even broach that subject outside of MC, because I don't feel like I understand it and that's a really complicated thing. You guys need counselling. This isn't a sustainable deal for you, especially if he just won't talk about it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This might sound like an odd question...but you keep referring to the baby as "my son", not "our son". Is there anything in that or am I just seeing something that isn't there?

Is it possible that you (without realising or intending to) pushed your husband away by either "knowing everything" ie telling him what to do all the time re your pregnancy and the baby, shot him down any time he tried to be helpful? I'm not saying you did, but a lot of women tend to do this.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Who was the father figure?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Luckylucky said:


> Who was the father figure?


Thanks, I almost missed that...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Divorce Busting" and read it and pay attention to the points the author, Michele Weiner-Davis, makes about changing yourself in a manner that will create change in the relationship between you and your husband. The idea is to break the old patterns that have led to the current state of your relationship. It works.

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Get the book "Divorce Busting" and read it and pay attention to the points the author, Michele Weiner-Davis, makes about changing yourself in a manner that will create change in the relationship between you and your husband. The idea is to break the old patterns that have led to the current state of your relationship. It works.
> 
> Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis


or at least watch her Ted Talk video “The sex-starved marriage” and then watch it together and see if he gets it. If he can watch that unaffected and still claim he loved his wife, no need to worry… he’s seriously misfired.

That video at least woke my wife up. It didn’t solve anything by itself, but it did help her to understand that her view of sex was not compatible with marriage and laid the grounds for what you might call a minimal level of maintenance sex while going through therapy. Enough to at least delay a divorce until you can figure out if change is possible.


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## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

I’m


Galabar01 said:


> What does he say if you ask him why he's so cold? It is possible you did something behind his back that he found out about? It seems like a very strange situation.


no nothing at all. I’ve never cheated or lied to him about anything. I was mean to him in the beginning of my pregnancy, because my hormones were crazy & I was really sick. But I feel like that’s not a good enough reason to just never wanna communicate with me.


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## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I have heard in the past of a kind of guy who has this "Madonna" complex. (Not like the Material Girl Madonna, but the religious icon) It's a deal where it's like once a woman is a mother he has a hard time seeing her as a sexual being any more. But I would be afraid to even broach that subject outside of MC, because I don't feel like I understand it and that's a really complicated thing. You guys need counselling. This isn't a sustainable deal for you, especially if he just won't talk about it.


I’m not sure if he’d even wanna do MC but it’s an idea. I’ll talk to him about it and see if he’s open to the idea. 
but I’ve thought of that too... he also has made underhanded comments about my weight. And then denies that he meant it like that. Although it’s pretty clear that’s what he meant. So not being sexually attracted to medoesn’t warrant that. 
I think maybe he just really hates me. But he doesn’t wanna go our separate ways either. And then says he still loves Me but it’s obvious it’s a lie.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

So he wants for you to spend years with a man that doesn’t really want you. Trust me when I say you will regret that. As someone who married a guy who turned out to be gay, I seriously regret all the years I wasted.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sad mommi said:


> Our sex life was great before I got pregnant. It’s still a possibility or me that he just wanted a child not a wife but he could’ve just been honest if that the he felt, you know?


Some men have the idea in their head that mommies are not to have sex with.
Elvis stopped having sex with Priscilla when she gave birth to Lisa Marie.
Is he getting it from elsewhere?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sad mommi said:


> Our sex life was great before I got pregnant. It’s still a possibility or me that he just wanted a child not a wife but he could’ve just been honest if that the he felt, you know?


Would you have had a child with that man if he told you the truth? I don't think so. He clearly used you to have a child.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When did you marry? Before pregnancy or after?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's a deal where it's like once a woman is a mother he has a hard time seeing her as a sexual being any more. But I would be afraid to even broach that subject outside of MC, because I don't feel like I understand it and that's a really complicated thing.


Yes, I think this is the most likely explanation from what you've told us so far. And yes, you can't just ask him if it's that, because he'll say no.

The gay thing is also possible but I'd say less likely.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Something similar happened to me years ago before my divorce. Turned out there were a lot more things happening with him then he cared to admit to. Not at all saying that is the case here, but maybe just ask yourself, is he being secretive with his phone or computer? Is he gone for long stretches of time without reasonable explanation? Any uptick in use of alcohol, or changes in his appearance?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Something similar happened to me years ago before my divorce. Turned out there were a lot more things happening with him then he cared to admit to. Not at all saying that is the case here, but maybe just ask yourself, is he being secretive with his phone or computer? Is he gone for long stretches of time without reasonable explanation? Any uptick in use of alcohol, or changes in his appearance?


She said he started playing WoW a lot when he detached.

I know women who also have played WoW a lot.

One is married to a friend who separated from his live in girlfriend at the time to be with her. So there you go!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> She said he started playing WoW a lot when he detached.
> 
> I know women who also have played WoW a lot.
> 
> One is married to a friend who separated from his live in girlfriend at the time to be with her. So there you go!


Right, but I'm not sure alone it means a lot other than that he is withdrawing. But when examined with his other behavior it could start to look more like a pattern, depending on what OP finds.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> Right, but I'm not sure alone it means a lot other than that he is withdrawing. But when examined with his other behavior it could start to look more like a pattern, depending on what OP finds.


Indeed. 🧐


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sad mommi said:


> I’m
> 
> no nothing at all. I’ve never cheated or lied to him about anything. I was mean to him in the beginning of my pregnancy, because my hormones were crazy & I was really sick. But I feel like that’s not a good enough reason to just never wanna communicate with me.


I was really sick, too, but I was never mean to my husband. How "mean" were you and for how long?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is kind of a case of role reversal. 

This is how countless married men live their lives after Baby comes along.


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## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Some men have the idea in their head that mommies are not to have sex with.
> Elvis stopped having sex with Priscilla when she gave birth to Lisa Marie.
> Is he getting it from elsewhere?


No definitely not. He never leaves the couch really. If he does he leave the house, he wants me & the baby to come with him.


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## Sad mommi (Dec 5, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I was really sick, too, but I was never mean to my husband. How "mean" were you and for how long?


Uh, pretty damn mean. I said really hurtful things to him. And one time I wanted to leave just to go for drive to get away from the situation because I was getting so angry. He didn’t want me to leave so he took my keys and I punched him. He never let that go and he brings it up a lot. It was super wrong of me to do. I just wanted to leave and idk. There’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have done it. 
he said he forgives me. But obviously that’s not the truth.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You punched him?

Who was the father figure that you mentioned? You must be very sad he’s gone?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Did his attitude change after you did those mean things to him or did it change right after he found out you were pregnant? Do you relate his change of attitude to your actions or was it just because of the pregnancy?

Also, could you tell us about the father figure? Was your husband jealous of him? Was there any inappropriate or questionable communications with the father figure? Was he someone that your husband wanted you to disengage from but you refused?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sad mommi said:


> _*I’m not really in a position to leave and I don’t wanna give up on us just yet. Not until I get some answers.*_


Your desperation will cost you years of your life while you chase someone who has NO INTEREST in you. He sounds like one of those fools who can no longer see you as a sexual woman once you become pregnant and give birth. You're now - and likely forever - a "*mommy*" person to him. You're the last type of woman he'd ever consider for sex.

Where is your pride, OP? Whether or not you have PPD, where the hell is your pride and self-respect that you've allowed yourself to be treated like this for one full year already - with no change in sight? Why do you continue to allow someone to literally **** all over you day after day after day after day after day after day - and cry that you "don't want to give up" on the POS who *clearly* doesn't give a rat's ass about you?

I'm not going to sugarcoat it - the others can do the tongue-clucking and back-patting and recommend all those self-help books (ugh) for you, but the truth is, you made a lot of* BAD* decisions and no lame self-help book is going to FIX that. You need to stop making more bad decisions! If this creep suddenly decides you're worthy of using for sex again, make sure you use BIRTH CONTROL. The more kids you have, the harder your life is going to be when you finally leave this loser. It's easier to be a single mom with ONE kid than it is to be a single mom with the expense and responsibility for THREE kids, *so use birth control!!!!*

I have absolutely NO suggestions for how to "fix" this trainwreck of a marriage because it's BEYOND that - you need to face reality. You made a mistake and you need to start working towards fixing it - and the solution does NOT include this jackass in the picture.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Sad mommi said:



I think maybe he just really hates me. But he doesn’t wanna go our separate ways either. And then says he still loves Me but it’s obvious it’s a lie.

Click to expand...

*The only reasons he doesn't want to separate is that he KNOWS he won't see his kid every day AND he'll have to pay you alimony and child support.

He doesn't sound like the type who's flush with cash, so I'll assume he can't afford to do that while ALSO having to support paying for his own place on top of it. Nope, not likely.

Trust me, the two BIGGEST reasons he doesn't want to separate is that he can't afford to and because he doesn't want to split custody. More so, but Father of the Year would actually have to be *responsible* for a baby/toddler/child - *ALL BY HIMSELF* - without you there to do 95% of the heavy lifting during his custody time with his son if you split up. And worse, how could he play all those childish video games hour after hour if he has to tend to a real live CHILD? And who's going to buy the groceries to have in the house when his son visits? Who's going to buy the diapers? What size? How many? Same with the formula and food and everything ELSE. Who's going to DO all that?????

No thanks. That's why he doesn't want *you* to leave, OP. Because it benefits *HIM* all the way around. It's win/win for HIM.

Because if you think Mr. Wonderful is living the life of a choir boy while he expects you to cater to him and raise his kid, you'd likely be very, very wrong. The *only* one who's expected to live a celibate life is *YOU*, OP. That is what's expected of you while YOU raise his kid for him.

But I'm willing to bet my right arm this guy hasn't been loyal to you since the day he found out you were pregnant.

Start digging OP. I'm betting you'll be shocked at what you find. In fact, I'm willing to bet BOTH arms - that's how sure I am of this little assclown.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> More so, but Father of the Year would actually have to be *responsible* for a baby/toddler/child - *ALL BY HIMSELF* - without you there to do 95% of the heavy lifting during his custody time with his son if you split up. And worse, how could he play all those childish video games hour after hour if he has to tend to a real live CHILD? And who's going to buy the groceries to have in the house when his son visits? Who's going to buy the diapers? What size? How many? Same with the formula and food and everything ELSE. Who's going to DO all that?????
> 
> No thanks. That's why he doesn't want *you* to leave, OP. Because it benefits *HIM* all the way around. It's win/win for HIM.


What is being described above is known as a “Wife Apliance.” 

It is the female equivalent of a beta provider male. 

It’s when someone is kept around because they provide utility and help, but there’s no actual love and desire for them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sad mommi said:


> He didn’t want me to leave so he took my keys


This is a classic abuser tactic.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> This is a classic abuser tactic.


That’s called false imprisonment in criminal legal circles.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sad mommi said:


> I’m not sure if he’d even wanna do MC but it’s an idea. I’ll talk to him about it and see if he’s open to the idea.
> but I’ve thought of that too... he also has made underhanded comments about my weight. And then denies that he meant it like that. Although it’s pretty clear that’s what he meant. So not being sexually attracted to medoesn’t warrant that.
> I think maybe he just really hates me. But he doesn’t wanna go our separate ways either. And then says he still loves Me but it’s obvious it’s a lie.


I think you ask him what is going on. If he refuses to communicate then you cannot continue to live like this.
Do a hard 180 on him. Start reaching out to your family and friends, do not include him in anything.
Chances are he could be cheating on you while you were pregnant or has someone waiting in the wings, hence the coldness
Go see a lawyer and see what your options are. he will still have to pay child support.
Consider moving on from this man. A man who does this to his wife after she just gave birth is mean and good for nothing. he is not marriage material at all.
Tell him you are seeing the lawyer and you are done being treated like ****. Be prepared to lose this marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sad mommi said:


> Okay so I dated my husband for 3 years before we got married and had our son. We had discussed doing a wedding at the courthouse & then trying for our son. As soon as I got pregnant things changed, he stopped sleeping in the same bed as me, he rarely talked to me, and toward the end of my pregnancy he started back playing WOW obsessively. I barely ever spoke to him after that and when I did he was very annoyed by my presence. So then it come time to give birth, I’m hoping that maybe after he sees what I’m about to go through he’ll connect with me and we’ll have that beautiful moment that parents are supposed to share. I thought he would be there to support me through the birth. He did not. He completely didn’t connect with me at all and was annoyed to be rubbing my back during my transition. He didn’t encourage me as I was pushing. Nothing. Then our son is born and he being a great father right off the bat. Caring for our son, loving him, and that made my heart melt. However he was still cold to me as I was recovering in the hospital. So then we bring baby home and I think okay, we just have to get through these first 6 weeks and then things will start to go back to normal.
> My son is almost 10 months old and he shows me no affection what so ever. We don’t sleep in the same bed, we don’t have sex, we don’t hug or kiss, we don’t say nice things to each other. We coexist as parents and roommates and we do that well.
> I just want a marriage and to feel loved. I haven’t been shown any kind of affection in 1 year and some months. I’m going through ppd, my father figure died, I’m not in a good place. And I need his love now more than ever. I’ve tried talking to him about this on numerous occasions, he just blows me off.
> I don’t know what to do. I can’t fix the problem, if he won’t tell me what the problem is.


I'm sorry. It's pretty clear he didn't love you and just married you because he got you pregnant and then resented you for that. I wouldn't spend my life with him. He's got nothing to give and he's not even trying. I mean he's made it super clear by his actions that this is not a real marriage and that he doesn't love you and isn't going to pretend to. Actions speak louder than words. Anyone can shine you on with words. 

I'm glad he's good with the child because what you need to do sometime in the next couple of years is divorce him and give him 50/50 custody so that you will have time to work just as much as he has time to work and the child can spend time with both of its parents equally. 50/50 joint custody is the norm in the US. He doesn't get to pick which days and neither do you. Both of you get the same amount of weekdays and one weekend day and you're completely responsible for the child during those times and no leaning on the other parent.

I know this isn't what you hoped it would be but it's time to stop hoping because it isn't happening. You can co-parent. He's good with the child and that's a blessing. But it's no reason for you to stay with him. You deserve to find a guy who loves you. I would urge you to get on birth control until you are sure you have that guy. Good luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> 50/50 joint custody is the norm in the US. He doesn't get to pick which days and neither do you. Both of you get the same amount of weekdays and one weekend day and you're completely responsible for the child during those times and no leaning on the other parent.


You've said this before about visitation/custody schedules and _you should stop giving out false advice_. 

There are many different ways parents can share custody and it's certainly not the way you make it out to be. Some families find that every other week works, some do the 5 2 2 5 schedule, some do weekdays/weekends, etc. etc. etc. The parents can agree to whatever kind of schedule works best given work schedules or preferences. And of course there could be leaning on the other parent. Good co parents can help each other out. There's also the "right of first refusal" if something comes up on your scheduled time. 

Geez.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sad mommi said:


> Our sex life was great before I got pregnant. It’s still a possibility or me that he just wanted a child not a wife but he could’ve just been honest if that the he felt, you know?


There is this thing called the "Madonna Wh#re" complex. For some, once you become the mother of his child, you have to be placed on a pedestal and treated totally differently. Not a good situation, but still it happens and has happened throughout history. This may or may not be what you are facing.

Madonna W complex


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> That’s called false imprisonment in criminal legal circles.


Only if she was locked in a room or house, etc. If it was car keys....nothing kept her from walking away.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Only if she was locked in a room or house, etc. If it was car keys....nothing kept her from walking away.


It's a conceptual point. 

If she had tried walking out the door, would he have physically stopped her and prevented her from getting away?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> It's a conceptual point.
> 
> If she had tried walking out the door, would he have physically stopped her and prevented her from getting away?


Yeah, but concept is far from beyond a shadow of a doubt.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Sad mommi said:


> I’m not really in a position to leave and I don’t wanna give up on us just yet. Not until I get some answers.


I hope you begin working on it so at some point you can leave, if you need to, have to at some point.

MAKE an exit plan. Simply having one does not mean it needs to be used.

It's better to have one and not need it than the other way around.

Again, I'm not telling you to leave him. Work on things, but part of your work needs to be making an exit plan.

Honestly, everyone should have one when they BEGIN a new relationship.


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