# Messy spouse



## rob2509 (Jul 9, 2011)

I have gotten to the point where I am really losing my patience with my wife. We have been married for nearly 10 months and it seems like I have the "you need to work on cleaning up after yourself" conversation every week since we got married. She barely works 40 hours a week. I manage a route for my company and I work 50+ hours a week plus I work from home a lot. I have no issue with cleaning up after myself and when I see filth, I clean it up. She for some reason will make a mess and then walk over it or ignore that she did. I am not a clean freak by no means but for someone who is 28 years old I would figure she knows how to wipe crumbs off the counter from a sandwich she made or wipe off the table from where she ate her breakfast she ate in the morning. She just throws everything everywhere with no form of organization in site. 

I am trying to hard not to completely lose it but filth and dirt drives me nuts. We all get a little cluttered every now and then but this is just gross. I have been nice, i have been gentle, i have even tried to be kind of harsh about it and she still continues to live like an 8 year old.

I have gotten to a point where I want to leave her over it... is that bad?


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

rob2509 said:


> I have gotten to the point where I am really losing my patience with my wife. We have been married for nearly 10 months and it seems like I have the "you need to work on cleaning up after yourself" conversation every week since we got married. She barely works 40 hours a week. I manage a route for my company and I work 50+ hours a week plus I work from home a lot. I have no issue with cleaning up after myself and when I see filth, I clean it up. She for some reason will make a mess and then walk over it or ignore that she did. I am not a clean freak by no means but for someone who is 28 years old I would figure she knows how to wipe crumbs off the counter from a sandwich she made or wipe off the table from where she ate her breakfast she ate in the morning. She just throws everything everywhere with no form of organization in site.
> 
> I am trying to hard not to completely lose it but filth and dirt drives me nuts. We all get a little cluttered every now and then but this is just gross. I have been nice, i have been gentle, i have even tried to be kind of harsh about it and she still continues to live like an 8 year old.
> 
> I have gotten to a point where I want to leave her over it... is that bad?


Oh my... did you not realize and understand her standard of cleanliness before you got married? Did you ever see her residence while dating? Did it bother you that much before you got married? 

I'm all for general tidiness and cleanliness of the home... trust me.. I got 2 teenage sons.. this is an ongoing process for me... You need to calmly, gently, and honestly in love, discuss this with her and stress how important you feel a clean home is to you... that you would like to work together with her on achieving a solution that you both will be happy with... 

best wishes..


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Try having OCD with a 2yr old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

If you clean up after her, she will get into the habit of not cleaning up after herself. Its a lot easier to get yelled at, than to clean up after yourself.

Where you see "8-year-old", she may not see a problem. She may think a few crumbs on the counter, or a load of dishes in the sink for a day arent a problem.

You state, "when I see filth, I clean it up" Thats obviously not her background, dont force your point of view down her throat. 

If you give up on this after 10-months theres a decent chance it wont be the last time you give up. People act the way they do because we let them. And you have been letting her get away with this behaviour. Im not saying its time to dominate her will, but subtle changes in your behaviour will result in the same for her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She sounds like my 12 year old. Makes me want to rip my hair out LOL.

Maybe she never learned how to keep house? Not everyone is taught.


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## DaddyDaughterDances (Sep 9, 2011)

I went through a period of having the same feelings you do about six years or so ago! Sugar spilled on the counter after making her coffee and not being simply wiped up and thrown away was the one thing that really burned me every time it seemed! There were other things as well such as leaving the stuff she would prepare a meal with out on the counter, etc. It was funny though....she liked to have the deeper "cleaning" done and didn't mind doing it (bathroom, floors washed, windows, etc) but she just seemed to not care about the little unorganized messes she made.

It took me a while, but I'm gonna be honest here and say that I learned to live with it. I realized I had much more important things to worry about than little things like this she was doing. It was easier for me to wipe up the sugar than to get all annoyed over it and build resentment towards her. 

To this day she still leaves baby diapers out on the changing table instead of throwing them in the diaper bin, still leaves the new roll of toilet paper sitting on the holder instead of actually putting it IN the holder, leaves sugar on the counter after making her coffee, etc, but it no longer bothers me in the least...in fact we joke about it now. AND...I work a 48 hour + an average of 12 hours OT each week and she works 40-42 hrs on average. Like I said...I just finally realized this problem was not my hill to die on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's funny, my grown son who still lives with us, is a germaphobe and relentless critic of other people e.g. leaving the milk out for even 5 minutes. But every morning I shuffle downstairs and am confronted with 30-40 minutes of kitchen cleanup from his utter lack of any picking up after himself. He gets this from his mom who's a hoarder when it comes to her stuff and angry harpy of a neat freak when it comes to everything else. 

I chalk it up to an underlying thirst for absolute power over everyone. It's a power and control issue.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'm a reformed messy wife. I grew up on a family farm, my dad worked in the city ridiculous hours, and my mom was always outside working the land. The house was acceptable but not neat. It was lived-in. My mom would give me $50 to dust - that's a lot of money to an 8 yr old. I was brought up not really seeing dust or being bothered by clutter. My mom showed love by cooking - and I inherited this. This pattern carried over into my adult life. My husband on the other hand was brought up by a mom who showed love by cleaning. She's not much of a cook but the in laws' house is spotless. My husband has inherited this from her, 100%. The first year or so of our marriage, we lived in a crappy little pre-furnished apartment and it was a struggle for me to keep it clean (against my nature, but had to be done of course).

What changed everything for me was when we moved to a nicer apartment that I furnished and decorated myself. My husband still did most of the initial deep cleaning, but once it became the beautiful home that I had dreamed of, I became the neat freak that I never thought I could. Now I run around after my husband straightening up, I do the floors every day, I put things away as soon as I'm finished using them, there are never dishes in the sink, etc. 

The weirdest part is that I didn't try to change and I didn't think I would. It just happened as the natural result of having created a beautiful home and being so proud of that. 

I have no idea if this could help you - maybe if you were able to get your apartment to a state of perfection - especially if she puts her style in it - she may be motivated to keep it that way. I admit it sounds unlikely, but I wouldn't be writing about it if it didn't work for me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I have gotten to a point where I want to leave her over it... is that bad? *

Nope, it's not bad. It's sad tho. You need to give HER a heads up tho...that this is how bad it is for you. Slobs don't GET IT. I am far from a neat freak....but I am a believer in not expecting someone else to pick up after you. 

I married an OCD guy.... knowingly. Since I am not a slob, we have an agreement....that HIS issues (like the bed is not made tight enough...for example) is HIS issue. We have a meeting of the minds.... I will not freak out about him freaking out (lol) as long as he doesn't freak out about ME not being at his OCD level. I think we're doing ok.... better than ok! 

We do have a blended family living with us.... and my granddaughter made the connection... she said "Granny must be Cinderella, cuz these two step-sisters are too messy and don't clean anything." SHE gets it. Both girls (the step sisters) were raised to do chores, clean up after themselves, do their laundry..... and they both are slobs. Maybe it's a DNA thing... I don't know. 

What I do know, is that if it is that big of a problem to you.... then you have to be 100% honest with w about it. Tell her you want to find a compromise because it's killing the relationship. If she is too defensive, or nothing changes...that is your answer. But I bet you want to try everything before throwing in the towel!


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