# Helping around the house (fitness test?)



## 1999 (Mar 3, 2011)

I am definitely too much of a 'nice guy', which I am currently trying to change.

I work full time from home. My wife doesn't work. We have recently had our first child. I help with the washing up most days, help with bits of tidying around the house. I get up in the night if my daughter needs a feed and when Im not working I will help out a lot with my daughter, doing most feeds and changes. My wife does most other household tasks including cooking, washing and ironing.

My wife is always saying I have it easy. If ever i sit down for a few minutes while she is doing something in the house she will be unhappy. She often calls me lazy and says 'it's alright for you'. For the record I am tired and dont have much time to myself but she will even get annoyed if I stay in bed too long in the morning to catch up on some sleep and will again call me lazy.

I know its hard to fully understand my situation in this post but do these sound like fitness tests and if so how should I be responding?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think they are fitness tests.

How many hours a day do you work at your job?


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## 1999 (Mar 3, 2011)

Between 40 and 50hrs a week although I have had some time off when my wife has been struggling with our daughter and helped out a bit and missed a little work.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My memories concerning the work load in marriage indicate that you can never do too much toward placating a selfish spouse. This is true even if it puts you on your death bed.
Live alone and you can set the bar anywhere you wish.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If you want me to do something specific, ask. Or just tell me. But if you hang on the cross and sniff the tears and do it yourself and complain about it, feel free.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

give her a month of doing nothing around the house and some helping with the child. see if thats lazy enough for her.
if she has any sense she will begin to appreciate the help you give her at the beginning of the following month.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

1999 said:


> I am definitely too much of a 'nice guy', which I am currently trying to change.
> 
> I work full time from home. My wife doesn't work. We have recently had our first child. I help with the washing up most days, help with bits of tidying around the house. I get up in the night if my daughter needs a feed and when Im not working I will help out a lot with my daughter, doing most feeds and changes. My wife does most other household tasks including cooking, washing and ironing.
> 
> ...


Yes, you are doing too much which is why she keeps demanding more. If she is a SAHM there is no reason she should not be able to handle all the household and child rearing tasks with _some_ help from you. Just because your office is at home does not mean you are at her beckon call.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Yeah, this is fitness test territory.

I've been almost exactly where you are - working from home (remote contracting) with a wife who didn't respect that and kids. I wish that was something I pushed back on (assuming all the other stuff wasn't an issue). So know ahead of time, that I am projecting some of my own experiences into my reply here.

You are getting an insight into how she really thinks, as opposed to what she puts out for public consumption. More specifically you are getting a window into the lifestyle that she believes is 'her due'. Since she believes she is working more than she should be (in her mind), you are automatically guilty of not doing enough NO MATTER what you are actually doing (it's not about what you do or don't do - it's about her having to do *more than she wants to*). (My fiance, who has 3 kids is backseat posting here... she added the bold, so consider where *that* came from)

I've seen this more times that I would like to. The reality of raising a child and running a house is conflicting with the image she had in her mind for all the years since before you two met until now that you have your first child. I can't say where she got the idea she would have an easy life while some man does all the stuff she doesn't want to do, because there are too many suspects! :rofl: (Disney, mom, who knows...) but the important thing to understand is that she is showing you what she really thinks your "partnership" ought to be. (this is different that what she tells you - make sure you understand that).

She doesn't work. Did she ever work a demanding or high paying job before? (not talking about her waitressing at 19) If not, she doesn't have a clue what's involved in making all the money that she gets to spend, and she doesn't really want to know. She just wants it to keep rolling in and growing - and that's your problem, not hers.

So yes, you've got an Exam to take, and let's hope you don't flunk it. 

You need to work on changing her expectations of life and reality - most people don't live the lives they see on TV. And that money is soooo easy to spend, yet hard to make. This is something that may take years to drill into her. 

You need to Set hard boundaries around your work and work area and not let her intrude. This was a big failing of mine when I was working at home. My ex- would barge in and insist that I take the kids for a couple hours while she napped, went to a movie, or whatever she felt like, no matter what I was doing. Constantly remind her than any interruption impacts the bottom line .. Intrusions & disruptions = less money! Drill it into her head. And when she does intrude... make it so your next check results in a smaller amount deposited in your joint bank account, and let her know it. Don't be afraid to put a scare in her with the finances. And don't be afraid to be harsh about your working hours and workplace boundaries. Remind her.. If you were working outside the house, she wouldn't be able to intrude. (This was another failing of mine. After I returned to work outside the home, my ex- would call me up and Insist that I come home - a 30 minute drive - in the middle of the day so she could take a nap, go to a movie, etc - I did put my foot down on this one eventually.

You probably need to educate her about money.. more specifically earning it. Sadly a lot of women are this way - they see making the money as "the man's job" and don't respect what's involved to make it. They will berate you for working long hours to make it, and insist you spend more time slaving on the kids and her, and turn around then berate you for not making enough money so she can go on all her vacations, buy her expensive things, etc. Catch-22 thy name is you. 

The best I can recommend for this is an ongoing dialog to educate her, and whenever she pushes you that "we need more money" to tell her that she will have step-up and go get a job herself. I'll bet that she doesn't want to and she'll make all sorts of noises about "the kids" to justify why it's your problem. If that happens, be a hard-ass and say "Then it's decided. We have to live with what we got (unless you want to contribute)".

You probably also need to engage her about childrearing being hard and involved and how it differs from the vision she had in her head pre-kid of what it was going to be like. Perhaps you can get her to look at the fact that you are both working very hard, doing your respective things, in order to secure the future of the family. Let her know that you know just how much of a shock to the system it was from going childless to having a kid. (see this xkcd: Family Decals ) 

I don't want to say you write her off as being a someone who won't pull her weight in the long run - but that's something you need make a hard and honest evaluation about, so you know what you are in for as the years go by, especially if you have more kids. Remember talk is cheap and actions tell the truth. There are plenty of women who have serious entitlement complexes, and they will make their men miserable when they feel they are being under-served. It's possible she has one, and it's also possible that you can help her see it and outgrow it (as having a kid and all of it's impact is indeed something that often brings about a lot of growth in the parents).

I know this may seem a little harsh - but you're dead on about being tested. You need to consider everything to see what actually applies to you and your wife's situation, and react decisively to those things that do.

Good Luck and be strong!

* I could list a whole bunch of things that my ex- said to me about money and my earnings if you want a good laugh.. or cry.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

I work from home, too, so I know about the workload you're talking about. I don't have kids, though, so I have significantly more free time. It definitely seems like this is getting into fitness test territory; you're trying to fill a leaky cup, so to speak.

First, I agree that you need to be very clear about what you require for your work. Working at home is very difficult to do with a partner around who doesn't work, and I can only imagine it's more so with the kid involved. You need to make it clear to her that she needs to pull her fair share when it comes to child rearing and housework, simply because you NEED time to make money.don't try to take on anything more than you can sustain for the long haul. 

Don't get me wrong – You should still make sacrifices to make your wife's life easier, but it shouldn't feel like every day you wake up with that responsibility looming over you.

Above all, you need to find a way to correct your wife's selfish attitude this probably means a change in your own behavior, although remember that baby steps are important with everything. Start by defining boundaries for your workspace and work time. Then, willingly carry out as much housework and child-rearing as you can handle without approaching over-stress. Lastly, start finding free time for both you AND your wife that you can enjoy together. When your wife sees you working hard at work, working hard at home, but still making time to play hard with her I think she will naturally be more grateful and more willing to pull her own weight. 

When you do what she won't expect - make free time, start dating her, etc - she'll naturally want to do what you expect. My $.02 at least.


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## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

Same here.. work from home and my wife is always crossing the boundry and asking for help while I'm working. 

I put my foot down a few weeks ago and told her flat out, If I was out of the house AT a job, how would you be able to ask me to help out.. 

Flat out.. when I'm working, i'm not here to help you in any way, I'm working to make money for this family and you are no longer allowed to ask me anything while my 'office' door is closed. 

Thankfully she has accepted that and now leaves me be to work all day. It's quite refreshing.


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