# I don't know what else to do



## OnTheEdge (Aug 24, 2011)

I apologize if this doesn't fit in this forum, but I feel like this is where many of our problems are stemming from.

My husband and I have been married only a short time. Not even a year and a half yet. Together for about 4. We started so hot and heavy and so in love, never wanting to spend a moment without each other.

His job forces him to spend much time away from home. 12-14 hours a day. And most of the rest of the time he spends sleeping. I try to understand because I know it's hard. I know he works so hard to provide for me and our children. But I just can't help but feel ignored.

To take a step farther back, I had what I guess you would call an affair back in May. Our sex life had gotten "routine" according to him, and we spiced it up with lots of fantasizing, dirty talking, movies, toys, etc. Which was fine. But one of the things he liked to talk about most was being with other people. And this talk continued outside the bedroom. Constantly. I even tried to dodge the subject, and he wouldn't allow for that. When he went out of town for a few days, he explicitly told me that he wanted me to try it. And I did. I looked up someone I knew a long time ago. It was one time, protected, and it was not enjoyable for me at all. I've never felt so cheap and dirty. I told him about it when he came home, and he lost it. He threatened to divorce me. We agreed to work through it though because we really do love each other.

But since then, it's like I can't do anything right. I've never been secretive. All of my e-mail and social networking accounts have saved passwords. Always have. He's always been able to look if he wanted. I've never tried to hide my cell phone. I'm not a secretive person at all. And I feel like I should be paying for what I did, but I can't help but feel this was exactly what he asked for, and now I'm the bad guy.

I'm home most of the week (I work on call) with three children. I'm always exhausted. He's never here. When he is, he's sleeping or yelling or complaining about something. He can be so cruel sometimes. His insecurities are driving me crazy. Some of which I understand, but this man has been so insecure since we met. It's just worse. He doesn't want to attend any of my family functions (not that I go to many) and when I try to discuss it, he blows up and starts screaming at me and fighting with me.

I just don't know what to do. I love this man so much and I feel like I owe him my life. He loves my two children from a previous relationship like his own and wants to adopt them. I had a very long and hard road ahead of myself as a young single mother and he helped to smooth that road. He is not at all bad, but it seems like lately the bad is all I see. I feel less and less in love with him and I hate myself for it. I'm so bored, and lonely, and I feel so helpless. But he can't hear any of it. Any attempt at discussing my unhappiness is a personal attack on him.

I just don't know what to do. He says he'll go to counseling but when it comes time to schedule something, he isn't quite so adamant about it.

What do I do? Do I even have a right to feel this way? I feel so lost and confused. I just want to lay down next to the sweet man I married again.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

OnTheEdge said:


> To take a step farther back, I had what I guess you would call an affair back in May. Our sex life had gotten "routine" according to him, and we spiced it up with lots of fantasizing, dirty talking, movies, toys, etc. Which was fine. But one of the things he liked to talk about most was being with other people. And this talk continued outside the bedroom. Constantly. I even tried to dodge the subject, and he wouldn't allow for that. When he went out of town for a few days, he explicitly told me that he wanted me to try it. And I did. I looked up someone I knew a long time ago. It was one time, protected, and it was not enjoyable for me at all. I've never felt so cheap and dirty. I told him about it when he came home, and he lost it. He threatened to divorce me. We agreed to work through it though because we really do love each other.


How's your sex life now? Is it non-existent, is there fantasy talk still, etc.? How in depth did you two talk about you being with another guy BEFORE it happened? Did he know you were going to do it when you did, for instance, did you tell him "Hey, I'm going to go be with so and so while you're out of town...", or did you just do it? Why would someone so insecure want his wife to sleep with someone else? That part I don't get...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Give him time, he's still in the "shock/denial" phase.


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## OnTheEdge (Aug 24, 2011)

Cherry said:


> How's your sex life now? Is it non-existent, is there fantasy talk still, etc.? How in depth did you two talk about you being with another guy BEFORE it happened? Did he know you were going to do it when you did, for instance, did you tell him "Hey, I'm going to go be with so and so while you're out of town...", or did you just do it? Why would someone so insecure want his wife to sleep with someone else? That part I don't get...


It's....um...different. We have very busy schedules so it happens usually 1-2 times a week. For a while there was no talk whatsoever, and I kind of preferred it that way. But now he is back to talking, and I just kind of let him lead. He still talks about the same things. In the midst of something hot and heavy not too long ago, he even wanted to me get the man over to have him join, which I was not okay with.

As far as talking about it, I just always talked as though it was just pillow talk, and I thought it was the same for him. Until he left town and kept sending me dirty pictures and messages and "stories" about what he was doing, and how he wanted me to do this. I know he didn't actually do anything. I tried to change the subject, and to tell him this was starting to make me uncomfortable...he would stop for a bit, then pick it right back up. But after it happened he now says it was all just bedroom talk, and I should have known that.

He was coming leaps and bounds as far as his insecurities before. Or at least it seemed like it. But since then he is worse than ever...understandably I guess, but I just feel like I'm losing no matter what. I've never placed any blame on him. I cried my eyes out when he threatened to divorce me and told him it wasn't something I wanted to do, I didn't enjoy it, it would never happen again, etc. I still apologize every time he brings it up. Which he said he wouldn't. We talked about it and he asked all kinds of questions and told me he wouldn't hold it over my head, but now at random times when I say something, he takes that chance to remind me what I did. Like I said, I can't seem to win for losing.


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## OnTheEdge (Aug 24, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Give him time, he's still in the "shock/denial" phase.


I hope so. I really just miss my husband. I really wish none of this had ever happened. I don't know what else to do to help him. I want so desperately to make everything okay. He's so angry. He's angry and he's mean, to me and our children. I want to make it work but I don't know how much I can take.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

OnTheEdge said:


> It's....um...different. We have very busy schedules so it happens usually 1-2 times a week. For a while there was no talk whatsoever, and I kind of preferred it that way. But now he is back to talking, and I just kind of let him lead. He still talks about the same things. In the midst of something hot and heavy not too long ago, he even wanted to me get the man over to have him join, which I was not okay with.
> 
> As far as talking about it, I just always talked as though it was just pillow talk, and I thought it was the same for him. Until he left town and kept sending me dirty pictures and messages and "stories" about what he was doing, and how he wanted me to do this. I know he didn't actually do anything. I tried to change the subject, and to tell him this was starting to make me uncomfortable...he would stop for a bit, then pick it right back up. But after it happened he now says it was all just bedroom talk, and I should have known that.
> 
> He was coming leaps and bounds as far as his insecurities before. Or at least it seemed like it. But since then he is worse than ever...understandably I guess, but I just feel like I'm losing no matter what. I've never placed any blame on him. I cried my eyes out when he threatened to divorce me and told him it wasn't something I wanted to do, I didn't enjoy it, it would never happen again, etc. I still apologize every time he brings it up. Which he said he wouldn't. We talked about it and he asked all kinds of questions and told me he wouldn't hold it over my head, but now at random times when I say something, he takes that chance to remind me what I did. Like I said, I can't seem to win for losing.


 You guys do need to get into MC. I know you say that when it comes time to schedule it, he's not really wanting to do it... But the way he is treating you is not right IMO. He had a fantasy, and it became reality (which certainly isn't always a good thing as I've read on this board many times and some fantasies are better left at that, which apparently you've found out the hard way)... But all in all, there seems to have been a major breakdown in communication somewhere when this occurred. I would just schedule a session and if he shows up, great, if not go for you! That way, at least you know you're doing something to remedy this whole mess. My H and I have a pillow talk fantasy, but I would die if it ever came true and so would he but we've come to terms that it's just that - a FANTASY and are able to enjoy it once the bedroom door shuts. Good luck to y'all!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You need to be proactive. Stop asking him to schedule something and you do it. Get babysitting, and don't give him an excuse not to go. He may not go and that's fine. But don't give him any excuses. It will be because he's scared to go.

Your husband shares the guilt here. You gave him exactly what he asked for. A good counselor will help you both get through this.


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## OnTheEdge (Aug 24, 2011)

Cherry said:


> You guys do need to get into MC. I know you say that when it comes time to schedule it, he's not really wanting to do it... But the way he is treating you is not right IMO. He had a fantasy, and it became reality (which certainly isn't always a good thing as I've read on this board many times and some fantasies are better left at that, which apparently you've found out the hard way)... But all in all, there seems to have been a major breakdown in communication somewhere when this occurred. I would just schedule a session and if he shows up, great, if not go for you! That way, at least you know you're doing something to remedy this whole mess. My H and I have a pillow talk fantasy, but I would die if it ever came true and so would he but we've come to terms that it's just that - a FANTASY and are able to enjoy it once the bedroom door shuts. Good luck to y'all!



Thank you. I scheduled an appointment for us to see a counselor on Monday. I'll let him know when he wakes up. I'm sure he's going to resist, but something has just go to give. We used to be SO in love, and now we can hardly be with each other. It's killing me.


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## OnTheEdge (Aug 24, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You need to be proactive. Stop asking him to schedule something and you do it. Get babysitting, and don't give him an excuse not to go. He may not go and that's fine. But don't give him any excuses. It will be because he's scared to go.
> 
> Your husband shares the guilt here. You gave him exactly what he asked for. A good counselor will help you both get through this.


Thank you. I did just that. Let us hope this is the help we need.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

OnTheEdge said:


> Thank you. I scheduled an appointment for us to see a counselor on Monday. I'll let him know when he wakes up. I'm sure he's going to resist, but something has just go to give. We used to be SO in love, and now we can hardly be with each other. It's killing me.


Great! Even if he resists and doesn't want to go, go for you and hopefully he'll follow suit once he see's you are serious about getting this whole mess cleared up so y'all can get back to your marriage! Take care


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