# i cheated and have ruined everything



## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

Im a bit nervous about coming on here as im the cheating party and want to say if i offend anyone by coming on here i will delete post.

ok i cheated 8 years ago and were still together but my husband is seeking seperation advice just now.

i was brought up an only child (brothers much older and younger) by my mum but had very good contact with dad and stayed with him every weekend. Problem being i was on a very tight reign at home and had to be in by 9pm up to the age of 16, wasnt allowed sleepovers, to go out to dances or even have a pet in my room so i decided to rent a bedsit at 16.
i did some of the things i wasnt allowed to do at home but nothing serious just got drunk a few times, stayed up late and slept with 2 boys.
i met my husband (then boyfriend who was 21) around 3 months after leaving home and thought all was great. we got on really well and spent most of our time together.
as he was that bit older he had a car and wed run about town having a really good time! we soon settled into a routeen where i saw him straight after college as he was out of work at the time and that was us till i went back to college the next morning.
as we started to get more serious we told each other about our pasts and he said he couldnt bare to go out with a slapper and in that moment i made a very big mistake, i only told him about 1 guy as id said enough before when i was drunk that he knew of this already but i chose not to tell him about there being 2 guys incase he dumped me...........very immature i know now but thats the choice i made at the time. anyway a couple of monthe later i discovered i had an infection so we both got checked out and he was clean so i knew it was left by the second guy as the first was protected but still i didnt own up and say there had been another as i thought after a few months hed not only think i was a slapper but hed be angry at me for lying too so i kept it quiet and gave a lame excuse that the condom couldnt have been on properly. well that alone caused its problems over the years as he was never sure that id told him the truth or not. 
Like i say hes a few years older than me so hed had his time of going out,getting drunk and being with a few girls so was happy sitting in at weekends watching movies which was great but as i reached 18 i wanted to go out with my pals as hed done so we did go out but he always thought i was way to flirty and had worries as by now he was working away a few weeks at a time (as there is history of cheating for 2 generations up from me i always felt he expectid it from me). This did cause rows as i was so young i really wanted to be going out and partying, to be fair we were out a lot together and i joined him and his work mates most fridays too, but it did get to the stage i put off going out with my pals so much because he had fears about my flirting and it just wasnt worth the hassle of fighting with him over a night out.
So a few years on we move to the country, get married and instantly try for family, this was what id always wanted but as id come from a split home i wanted to be married and settled before we had children so i was lucky he was in a position to buy us a large house with a garden. The wedding was nice but not my first choice, at the time all i wanted was to be married to start a family and would have done anything to get that so i agreed and even called and booked everythink my self! now i wish id put my foot down and stuck up for my self and my wishes for my wedding as it is important to be who we are and feel able to voice your wants and needs - something ive never been able to do and a huge reason were in this awfull mess.
The baby plans didnt come quite so easy though, after a couple of years of trying i was given some tests which found i did have a slight problem but i should still concieve given time, i know why he was the way he was but my husband was wanting everything to be so perfect in my body for this conception that was never happening that he started telling me not to drink even a glass of wine whilst out for dinner, ok this may not seem like a big deal but when you think you may be the problem for not getting pregnant in the first place the last thing you want is to be told what to do or not to do. so that to me was like the same feelings as i had growing up with all the restrictions and not being allowed to do anything. it got to the stage when sex just became what we had to do to fall pregnant, it was done to get the sperm in there which meant there was not very much excitment.
over all the years we'd been together there were a few sex issues too which took away some of the spark.

so heres where it gets messy, 

one night when he was away i was having a few drinks with friends and out of the blue and toataly unplaned i cheat on him.
I couldnt believe what id done and decided not to tell him.
I spoke to the other man a few days later and he said he wouldnt say to his wife or my husband.
As they were friends of ours we still were socalising with them often, which i was happy with if anything i wanted to see them more often to get some of the embarracement over with rather than leaving it for a long time before we saw them.
There was no contact between me and the other man at this point, then a few weeks later i was on a rare night out and i let the other man know where i was and he came to the same bar..
yes one thing lead to another and we cheated again.
This time we were cought so i told my husband the next day, but only about the one time.
i wanted to make it not sound as bad as it really was incase there was any hope he would stay with me..........all i have done is destroy him and all trust he ever had in me.
he found out the whole truth but it took months of questions to me and the other man, even recordings to catch me out but im accuually glad as he really knows everything now but the poor guy cant trust me that ive told him everything as all ive done for years is try to cover it up instead of doing the decent thing at the time and giving him the truth like he asked for. instead i kept contact with the other man by text and calls, im so angry with myself as i knew once id been found out i wasnt talking to the other man to set up secret meetings or anything so why continue to risk it even more????????? the contact lasted a few weeks and its been 0 contact for years now.

My husband has reached the point now that he wants to protect his financial future so ive agreed to sign and say i will not be taking half the houses ect if we split, it was my fault and have no intention of cleaning him out i hope by me doing this he can relax a little knowing hes not going to get all his assets removed if we split in years to come.

ive spoken to a councelor whos really helped me in realizing why i did this to my husband, i just felt so restricted after coming out of one situation of being told what to do (brought up on very tight rein) and jumping straight into another. I guess i never got the chance to find out who i was before getting involved with someone who naturally is going to have influence over me and tried to break free but in the most awfull atempt ever.

reading over this i'm wondering why i wrote all this? i know it all but just wanted some where to get it allout i supose.
im certainly not here looking for a sholder to cry on or sympathy as im well aware im in this situation because of my own doing. i just wanted someone to talk to.
iAs the cheater i will remove this if it causes any offence.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Can i suggest BOTH you and your husband go to beyondaffairs.com. They are directed at the betrayed spouse (BS) they also have tons of info for the wayward spouse (WS). The two of you could really benefit from one of their weekends on healing from an affair. To get a feel for their perspective, both of you should go to the seminars tab then click on the words teleseminars and listen to as many as you can. There are also articles and BAN meetings in most cities that are free. If you register, there are free teleseminars they will invite you to. YOu both need to heal. 8 years says you have not done that yet, at least not to the point of moving forward and healing from it. Stay on here no matter how nasty it gets. There are a lot of bitter people who will roast you. But there are those like me who have compassion and will try to help. Good luck.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You've dug yourself a very deep hole with your husband that will take a serious amount of time, effort and love on your part to get him out of - if it can be done at all. It's only reasonable that he have no faith that he has all the truth - that's what you've taught him. The only way to undo it is to be brutally honest with him. Tell him everything you are doing, everyone you talk to, everything and don't let him ever, ever again catch you in a even a half truth or lie of omission. 

The only way to regain any amount of trust in him will put you in the very situation you say made you susceptible to an affair. You will have to be completely accountable to him, give him complete transparency in your life and do whatever it takes to make him comfortable and put him at some level of ease. 

Are YOU sure you want to be married?? If you are you have a lot of work to do. 

Oh - I'm a wayward spouse to. We're welcome here, just don't expect any sympathy.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Ok.. Just because she cheated DOES NOT MEAN SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM!! It was a choice she made, a bad choice yes. **** happens. We are all human and we ALL make mistakes..


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Am I reading this correctly? You cheated twice about 8 years ago and this is the reason he is considering separating now?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It can take a long time for the simmering negativity to finally be dealt with. eight years is just a number when the infidelity is not addressed. Deception has a strong hand.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The post-nuptial agreement was a good idea because your willingness to sign it is one action that helps put him at ease that if he invests time with you, he won't suffer a financial hit in case of divorce. BUT this also means that you have to find a job or career to support yourself - if you don't have one already.

Now for some sobering information. There is 1 chance in 3 that your marriage will survive your infidelity. It takes a great amount of committment from BOTH spouses to recover from the ordeal of infidelity which many people have said is greater than any other traumatic experiences they have endured in their lives, such as the loss of a child and rape.

Another one is that it MAY take anywhere from 2 to 5 years for the betrayed spouse to recover from the affair. You will have to be very patient and understanding. You will have to resist the urge to fight back when he lashes out at you because it will only make matters worse.

You are probably still in panic mode and feel that you are willing to endure all of the things I've mentioned. But you really don't know if you will have the emotional strength, stamina and endurance that will be needed until the two of you go through the hard work of recovery.

The job of marital recovery is so overwhelming that you could be the perfect wife from this point on but if your husband is unable to recover, you will find yourself a divorced woman. I'm not saying this to depress you but to help open your eyes. If you keep your expectations low, the emotional impact in case of divorce should be less.

Here is a suggestion that you may want to consider and possibly share with your husband. Set a time frame of 3 to 5 years to recover. If by the end of that time period, marital recovery has not occured, then the two of you can proceed with the divorce. Your husband may be willing to go along with it since the agreement doesn't tie him for the rest of his life and in the worst case scenario, he gets to make a new life with the prospect of marrying again later on if he so chooses.

Unlike many cheating spouses, you seem to have remorse for your betrrayal and you are taking the necessary steps to heal yourself so the destructive pattern doesn't repeat later on.

I hope that you and your husband are able to heal your wounds and have a happy life together or apart.


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't really have anything much to add to all that's been said. However, I do wish you the best and hope that the two of you can move on from this.


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## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

Hi and thankyou for your replies, well most of them!

Id just like to add, i have been transparent in every way.
my husband ownes my phone contract so can check whenever he wants to, we have latitude on phones so he can even trace where ive been.
My e mails are not passworded and he can open my mail when ever he wants.
Also post is no issue he can open that whenever he wants.

i have no issue to sign away my rights to claim half of everything as i stand by my word i will not be taking him to the cleaners. i thought id done this many years ago as i signed to agree to my name being taken off the house but he says thats still not leaving me without rights to take half? however this thing hes looking into now is final by law so should hopefully give him peace of mind.

I feel whilst he was toatally mixed up he also knew what id done before we went on to have children which he was more than wanting so why wait until there here before he decides to take steps into seperating? 

The remorse someone mentioned is true, i feel awful for what i put him through but at the time i never put much thought into his feelings when i continued to contact OM so didnt show or probably even feel remorse then.

I so hope we get thorugh this which some days i think is possible, i even think my hasband wants us to stay together and hopefully if his financial worries are not there we will manage. he says hes only doing it to protect himself and he has no plans to find someone else.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Check ut the website I mentioned. You both need to heal.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Ok.. Just because she cheated DOES NOT MEAN SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM!! It was a choice she made, a bad choice yes. **** happens. We are all human and we ALL make mistakes..
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Hmmmm


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Hate to say it, mistake is something you do on a math test. Cheating is a crime against the LS and marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

toblame said:


> My husband has reached the point now that he wants to protect his financial future so ive agreed to sign and say i will not be taking half the houses ect if we split, it was my fault and have no intention of cleaning him out i hope by me doing this he can relax a little knowing hes not going to get all his assets removed if we split in years to come.





toblame said:


> i have no issue to sign away my rights to claim half of everything as i stand by my word i will not be taking him to the cleaners. i *thought id done this many years ago as i signed to agree to my name being taken off the house *but he says thats still not leaving me without rights to take half? however this thing hes looking into now is final by law so should hopefully give him peace of mind.


Eh. Sorry to say I think this is really unfair. Yes, you cheated. And yet he stayed with you after the fact. That was his choice. Nobody made him stay with you. You owned it and have been transparent. I think he never forgave you for it (and no, he will never forget it, that is what happens when someone gets cheated on) but I feel like now, 8 years later, he's doing all of this to punish you. As resentment. And maybe even, hate to say it, but maybe he's planning his great escape. 

You already don't own the house, right? Cause you signed it over to him "many years ago" and had your name taken off. So it sounds like he's used your cheating as leverage to get everything he wants and he has done so already. 

So let me ask you--what do you get in case of a split?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I do agree with Sinnister that her cheating has nothing to do with her childhood. It was a choice that she made and that is it. 

Nonetheless, the issue here is him asking her to sign away everything to his name "in case" of a split and he uses her cheating as the reason, yet he has had every chance to leave her once the cheating was discovered nearly a decade ago. And he didn't. Now he uses it as a bargaining chip. 

To me, that is not right.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

There are enviromental factors in everyones make up and personality from their past. It DOES effect how they make decisions and how they react to situations. Part of understanding the why of anything you do, is to examine your thought processes and the influences on them. If you truly want to know why an A happened and work to prevent it in the future, you have to understand yourself. So yes, your past has a significant impact. Was it the reason, NO. In any event, Sinnister went WAY out in the weeds with judgemental and a biased response based on his own bitter experiences. That is wrong. We need to help NOT hurt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> So yes, your past has a significant impact. *Was it the reason, NO*.


That's what I am saying. Her past was NOT the reason she cheated. She cheated because she chose to. It's as simple as that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He wants some kind of proof if her commitment to him and a dramatic restitution showing her remorse, so he got her to sign over assets to him.

He may or may not be a tool.

However, he may feel as though he had lost everything because of her cheating. She knowing the price of her next affair will be everything. Now she knows the stakes.

Will he rip her off? I don't think so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> However, he may feel as though he had lost everything because of her cheating.


:iagree: You can't put a price on trust and exclusivity. It's more precious than gold.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

From a legal standpoint, as his wife, she is entitled to half (in most places). 

And wahtever she signed may even be void if it doesn't meet whatever the law/requirements are where she lives. 

He uses her cheating as leverage. He is basically telling her "Sign here because you did X and if we split, you don't deserve anything we've owned together because you are a cheater so you shouldn't get anything. Oh but my intention isn't to leave you, I am just being cautious. In one, two, three years, and then in another 8 I'll dredge up a new contract to strip away a little more each time I feel like it."

And as long as she signs away what she owns, she is agreeing to that leverage.

Her cheating = his poker chips.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> And as long as she signs away what she owns, she is agreeing to that leverage.


Exactly... signed documents are LEGAL and BINDING.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Exactly... signed documents are LEGAL and BINDING.


As long as they meet the laws/requirements where she lives and ultimately are deemed so by a judge.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

You were obviously unhappy with your marriage so you cheated. You could have just divorced him but you chose to cheat instead. It was a poor choice but what is done is done. The betrayed spouse has a choice too. They can commit to repairing the marriage, forgiving the cheating spouse, and moving on with the marriage, or they can also choose to divorce.

Treating the cheating spouse like some second hand citizen is not an appropriate option. Removing her name from the home, then wanting them to sign away their rights to half the marital assets is wrong. How does any of that make a marriage stronger?

If he insists on this type of behavior, you should leave him. Don't let yourself feel like you deserve it, you don't. You deserve to either be forgiven, or alone. If you give him everything he wants, you will never feel whole, and neither will he.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Please remember to keep postings respectful and supportive. toblame knows she is to blame for for current problems. She is here seeking help. For those who want to be judgmental and bash her, please don't. *If you can not offer constructive advice, please refrain from posting on this thread.*

Thank you!


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## Myth (Jul 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Eh. Sorry to say I think this is really unfair. Yes, you cheated. And yet he stayed with you after the fact. That was his choice. Nobody made him stay with you. You owned it and have been transparent. I think he never forgave you for it (and no, he will never forget it, that is what happens when someone gets cheated on) but I feel like now, 8 years later, he's doing all of this to punish you. As resentment. And maybe even, hate to say it, but maybe he's planning his great escape.
> 
> You already don't own the house, right? Cause you signed it over to him "many years ago" and had your name taken off. So it sounds like he's used your cheating as leverage to get everything he wants and he has done so already.
> 
> So let me ask you--what do you get in case of a split?



It sounds like toblame is a decent person and fully accepts the destruction she has already caused to her husband. Far too many cheaters are happy to destroy their partner, firstly by cheating and then to add insult to injury by trying to get everything they can during divorce. I too accepted my part when my wife divorced me after I'd had an affair as I chose to walk away almost empty handed, my reasoning being that if I had kept my d*ck in my pants then I could have continued living there with my wife, who I'd previously had such a happy time with. Destroying her once was bad enough so I couldn't destroy her twice.

toblame confusingly says her husband found everything out after months of questions, but then further goes on to say that all she's done for years was to cover things up. If toblame was covering up for years then (like me) I'm sure a web of lies and deceit was built which is so difficult to stop. For me it got so bad that over time I actually forgot what was lies and reality, and then when I finally did start to realise I was going to have to tell the truth it made it so difficult to convince my wife I really was speaking truth.

I'd be thinking that if your life has been relatively normal for the past years then a sudden resurrection in interest to get a post-nuptial agreement signed could be a sign of intent to head to the exit. But if you have been covering for years and only recently started telling the truth then who can blame him for his insecurities.

What you'd need to consider before signing is that if you were to be actually separating/divorcing then would you be signing your rights to the house away? If so then there wouldn't appear to be any issue. If separating/divorcing you would be taking your half share then you maybe should reconsider signing.

Myth.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

About that PN agreement-a good (i.e., scumbag) lawyer can convince a judge that she signed under emotional duress, and a sympathetic judge will have it nullified.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bs193 said:


> You were obviously unhappy with your marriage so you cheated.


I beg to differ with this assumption. Both men and women can have affairs for reasons that have nothing to do with the state of their marriages. 

It may be true that she was unhappy with aspects of her marriage that made her vulnerable, but only she can say for sure whether this is the case or not.

toblame,

Have you been able through IC (individual counseling) to find out why you cheated?


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## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> I beg to differ with this assumption. Both men and women can have affairs for reasons that have nothing to do with the state of their marriages.
> 
> It may be true that she was unhappy with aspects of her marriage that made her vulnerable, but only she can say for sure whether this is the case or not.
> 
> ...


I did get counceling and up to that point had NO REASON why id done what i had to him - yes i had issues with him that annoyed and upset me about him but dosnt everyone and they dont cheat.
Only when talking to my councelor did it fit into place about my lonly upbringing, being so restricted in all i did, not being alowed a pet even to have for company, not allowed out after 9pm even at 16 - i could have been married with a child and in a flat of my own by then but no i was in by 9pm.
Then i met my husband (then boyfriend) a few months after leaving home so was straight back into the role of not making my own desicions. i love this man and am so disgusted in the wrong choices ive made but as my original post explains i felt under presure about telling him id slept with 2 people and at that immature stage in my life i wrongly chose not to tell him instead of saying well i have been with 2 people before you like it or lump it. so that was the shaky foundations of our relationship. and because id chosen to omit the truth at the start it got out of control in the years to come as it always led back to telling him id lied in the first few months.
i never ever set out to cheat but i feel over a period of a few years there had become a few issues where he had opinons on the way i should do things and coupled with some sex issues i just had a total f you moment and cheated. i know i dont have the desire to go out today and cheat again its not as if i go around searching for someone who looks good that id like to cheat with im not like that.
so yes i feel the counceling really helped me but i struggle now to tell him how it was then , where my thoughts were, when i discuss this with the councelor it is easy flowing and all makes sence to me but as soon as i get off the phone and he asks what we spoke about again im this stuttering wreck, i find it so hard telling him our conversations as i feel he asks everything for a reason. i asked my councelor if it would be ok for him to join in the call which is what id really like as if there is anything he wants to ask me about were both there and he could easily speak too but he sees it as it would be couple and wants me to sort out myown issues so refused to join in my last call.

hope this makes sence and is not just a long ramble!


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## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

i should add, 

as i was so lonley growing up and not being allowed a pet, i asked my husband if we could get a cat as he works away for a few weeks at a time and again i was lonley living in the country with no family around for company but ............no


just straight back into almost having toask for stuff and waiting for a yes or no like being a child still.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

morituri said:


> I beg to differ with this assumption. Both men and women can have affairs for reasons that have nothing to do with the state of their marriages.


We will just have to agree to disagree on that one. I have never heard of a case where the cheating spouse was completely happy in their marriage and thought it offered them everything they ever wanted.


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## Myth (Jul 29, 2011)

toblame said:


> i should add,
> 
> as i was so lonley growing up and not being allowed a pet, i asked my husband if we could get a cat as he works away for a few weeks at a time and again i was lonley living in the country with no family around for company but ............no
> 
> ...


I read in this and previous posts that you find him controlling? If so do you really want to stay with a man like this?

Edit: the cat thing is a bit lame as there are probably millions of people who wouldn't want a cat in their house. Try asking for a dog or fish and see.


Myth.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

bs193 said:


> We will just have to agree to disagree on that one. I have never heard of a case where the cheating spouse was completely happy in their marriage and thought it offered them everything they ever wanted.


I had to do this to Jellybeans to. I'll be the first you've heard of. I started, walked all they way through and ended my extremely intense EA telling my AP how wonderful my wife is and how happily married I was. I know this makes my affair a little more sick and twisted but it is what it was. I believed I was the most happily married guy on earth. I told my AP that my wife was both "perfect" and a "saint" (she is both). 

I later figured out (with help from the people here) that I was only contentedly married. My wife and I had both let the spark and flirt go by the wayside and it turns out that's what I went after.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I had to do this to Jellybeans to.


?


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## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

today must be the 8 year aniversery of my cheating.

I got a mail from my husband wishing me a happy anniversary of my happy times with the other man, telling me it was the date i ruined him and changed him forever, a date i could never be allowed to forget.

I know why he did it, hes so hurt and clearly remembers today for all the bad things starting,but i do feel like this is not letting us move forward is it? is him doing this doing him any good?
im left feeling its my own fault as im the reason he feels like this today and i dont expect him to ever forget the date but is a mail like that the right thing to be doing?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeaowch. Does he do that often? Sending you anniversary things? 

And I think as long as he keep sdoing these things, youa re right--he won't let either of you move forward. 

It souns like he never forgave you. I can assure you he will never forget but yep, it sounds like he still resents you and never moved through it with you. 

Re: anniversaries: I will never ever forget the date that my H told me... it's not something you forget. Now, sending you a card on that date... that seems a bit much.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

JB - you posted on a thread a while back the same thing - that you had never heard of a cheater who was happy. Actually I think you said "that didn't bash their spouse". It was a while back, it just stuck in my memory for some reason.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeaowch. Does he do that often? Sending you anniversary things?
> 
> And I think as long as he keep sdoing these things, youa re right--he won't let either of you move forward.
> 
> ...


Agreed - That's a bit much. Seems to me to be approaching the point of being punishment.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I have read countless affair stories and have never once read or heard of a MM telling the OW that his marriage is great, his wife is awesome, his wife understands him, puts out when he wants her to, offers him emotional support, love and understanding.
> 
> Not one time.
> 
> So, will you stay married or divorce?





sigma1299 said:


> Jellybeans - I hate to break your streak but I actually never bad mouthed my wife to the OW and spent a lot of time telling the OW how wonderful my wife is. Does that make my whole EA even a little more sick and twisted - probably but it is what it was.


Found it - just wanted to make sure my memory wasn't playing tricks on me.


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## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

firstly i got a e mail sorry i just wrote mail.

hes never sent anything in the post.

ive spoken to him about it and he told me he set it up months ago not sent it today.


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## toblame (Jul 27, 2011)

I keep getting e mails to say that people have replied on this post, when i registered i un ticked the notification box, the other few days i have not been contacted but have been today for some reason?

i really dont want to get mails and would just like to catch up on posts by coming on here.

i did untick a subscribed to posts box today and thught i was sorted but still got a mail? 

help!!

ps not very good on pc!!!!!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Toblame: Go to the User CP at the top of the screen (left side) and click. You should be ablet o click on whatever option you like to edit it it to your liking.



sigma1299 said:


> JB - you posted on a thread a while back the same thing - that *you had never heard of a cheater who was happy*. Actually I think you said "that didn't bash their spouse". It was a while back, it just stuck in my memory for some reason.


What I said was that I had never heard of a MM telling an OW how wonderful/happy their wife/hubby/partner was/made them, flowers, unicorns, etc. It's rare. Oh you posted it up there so you can see what I said.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

From other forums that I have checked-out, this is not uncommon at all. They call them *ANTI-VERSARIES*. This is a trigger moment that BS's often feel at crucial stages within the process of letting go. This is _very_ normal in most cases.

That he's punishing you... YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT HE IS. Now, are you gonna keep taking it... well are you??? he's made it abundantly clear that he resents you... what are you doing still there? It seems like_ wallowing _in self-pity to me.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Do you really think you are helping the OP in any way? We get it, you are angry. She came here looking for help and CONSTRUCTIVE advice. Her husband chose to stay with her and eight years later she is still being punished for it. That is not how reconciliation works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

He fdefinately has not healed from it and sure should have by now. I eblieve I suggested it before, PLEASE go check out the beyondaffairs.com website. I reqally think he needs to go and probably with you to one of their Healing from affairs weekends. HE has not moved on at all and needs to quit torturing you about it. Please look into it and try to encourage him to go. If that doesn't work, try at least one coaching session with one of the coaching teams where the wife cheated. LOOK INTO IT PLEASE.


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