# 7 year ea



## 7yearloser (Mar 14, 2012)

My wife has had a 7 year ea and yes probably pa with a former neighbor. It has been a roller coaster ride form hell, the blowing up and I will end it and things being better for a while to finally a week ago the "I'm just not happy anymore and I feel numb inside", after which she said she wanted to seperate. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she was not to that point. I love my wife and dont want to give up . He is nothing more than a person she talks to over the phone she is emotionally invested in this and cant seem to break it off. I feel like a door mat . How does some one pursue a married woman for seven years? Emotionally I am wrecked at this point my head tells me to give up but my heart does not want that.
I feel very alone, people that have not been here dont understand to them the answer is simple "just leave" I need insight from people who have been HERE and understand the dark place this really is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you mean when you say "I will end it"? How do you end her EA?

Does your wife agree that it's an EA?

Since this has been going on for so long with your knowledge, she probably does not think that you will ever do anything about it. She has both you and him. 

IMHO, the only way to get her attention and get her to work on the marriage is for you to let her know that you mean business. Either she stops the nonsense and works on the marriage or you will divorce her. The best way for you to get this across is for you to file for divorce. A divorce can be stopped at any time before it's final. You can even get remarried after a divorce. So it's not the end of the world. 

She needs to know that she is about to lose you.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Pack her junk and put it on the doorstep. Tell her if she needs space she'll need her stuff in order to feel comfortable while she's out there with more desirable guys.
Then get a lawyer and get a divorce.
Or, just continue to be a doormat until the time comes when she does what I suggest you do.


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## 7yearloser (Mar 14, 2012)

Sorry 
Should have read that she has told me that she would end it. The only way I could end it would land me in jail. I guess my real question should be what type of person would pursue a married woman for seven years without any regard for what they are doing to the persons spouse and children. I'm sure my wifes source of unhappiness is the guilt of what she has put us through and her inability to break off the affair.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is ready to take it to the next level with him. She is hoping that you will let her, so she can have your support, while dating him. Its called cake eating. Of course she doesn't want a divorce if she can have you both. That's your decision, not hers.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The reason you feel you are a doormat is because you are a doormat. Maybe a better question is what kind of a wife would allow an affair to continue 7 years and humiliate and disrespect a husband in such a hurtful way? Maybe an even better question would be is what kind of a husband would allow himself to continue in a marriage while his wife has an affair for 7 years. Her actions indicate clearly that she has no respect for you or your so-called marriage. Good God man. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I would suggest:
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. See an attorney to understand your options.
3. Get into individual counseling to find why you have been willing to subject yourself to such emotional abuse for the past 7 years.

If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think that your wife would have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? If you have children, would you want them be in a marriage like yours and suffer what you have and continue to suffer? Enough is enough!


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

You appear to be directing your anger and frustration at the wrong party.

The other man isn't the problem here. 

It's like spilling a bottle of acid on your hand and as your skin bubbles and peels off your bones you blame the company that manufactured the stuff.

She could have told the neighbor dude anything.. that you're a nut case, that you ignore her, that you won't have sex with her, that she just doesn't love you any more.. and that neighbor guy is her hero for keeping her mentally stable so she can raise her kids and that sort of thing.

In order to effectively deal with this situation you need to start by dealing with the problem directly, not the symptoms.

And 7 years.. wow.. and now she wants to separate. I don't know what you're looking to save here but if you come up with something I'd like to know what it is. 

If it was me she'd be out the door.. and I wouldn't even bother to open it before sending her through it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

hookares said:


> Pack her junk and put it on the doorstep.


Glad yard bags work especially well for this.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hisfac said:


> You appear to be directing your anger and frustration at the wrong party.
> 
> The other man isn't the problem here.
> 
> .


Yep. Your wife is the problem. SHE is married to you. How could a married woman go and be involved with another man? How could SHE destroy her family that way?? These are the questions you need to be asking.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_she said she wanted to seperate. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she was not to that point._

She is still shopping for your replacement or working out the finances and logistics, both on her part and possibly on OM's part. If she is still in contact with OM, they probably have a plan.

I am sorry for your pain and the difference between what you think in your head and feel in your heart but you have to get off your butt and start taking charge. You are like the smoker who keeps puffing away after receiving the cancer diagnosis. You can feel sorry for yourself if you want, but do something to help yourself at the same time.

The fact that you think that it even is remotely possible to have a seven year EA-only with a guy who lives next door shows me you are living in a fantasy land of wishful thinking.

Your wife is not coming back. The sooner you let her go and file for divorce, the less pain you will experience and the faster you will heal yourself. As an added bonus, the only chance you have at getting her back, which is about a million to one at this point, is by letting her go and filing for divorce. If that doesn't force her to see that she still loves and wants to be with you, nothing will.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

7yearloser said:


> My wife has had a 7 year ea and yes probably pa with a former neighbor.


 First you admit the obvious that it is both a AE and a PA.



7yearloser said:


> He is nothing more than a person she talks to over the phone she is emotionally invested in this and cant seem to break it off.


 Then you lie to yourself and make believe that it is only an EA where the OM is nothing more that someone that “she talks to over the phone”. 



7yearloser said:


> "I'm just not happy anymore and I feel numb inside", after which she said she wanted to separate.


 Finally, when you acted with no self respect and showed her that there were no consequences to her cheating on you, she is doing what you should have done and tells you that she is leaving you to try out a full bore in the open relationship with the OM. Yet even with this you are still are on your knees begging her to come back? For her to love you she needs to respect you first and you are giving her no reason to do so. Man up, file for divorce and let her go. She may come out of the fog and want to work on your marriage or she may not, but it is your only hope. 

Time and again begging never works. Try doing something different and acting with self respect. Not for her but for yourself. The fact that she may wake up should only be a side effect.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dunno why you're blaming the OM so much


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife is not to the point of D yet---what do you think your mge. has been for the last 7 yrs.

You just don't have the piece of paper.----Why is SHE getting the option of what to do

For 7 yrs. her emotional attention has been with her neighbor---then, you, does she fit you in somewhere on her schedule

Do the 2 of you talk about ANYTHING, or is that saved for her lover.

This will never go away, cuz for 7 long yrs. she has been a bigamist, and that is not going to end, even if she says she will stop---how can she---for 7 yrs, she has lived her emotional life with him--

-----Since he is a neighbor----how do you know they have not been physical---cuz she says so---you gotta remember here, you are dealing with a very big time liar----

It doesn't really matter, IMHO---I can't see any way out for you but to end this mge.---she may not be ready for D., but you da*n well should be----that is unless you happen to like misery as your married partner, and you don't mind watching your wife give herself to your neighbor.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

7yearloser said:


> My wife has had a 7 year ea and yes probably pa with a former neighbor. It has been a roller coaster ride form hell, the blowing up and I will end it and things being better for a while to finally a week ago the "I'm just not happy anymore and I feel numb inside", after which she said she wanted to seperate. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said she was not to that point. I love my wife and dont want to give up . He is nothing more than a person she talks to over the phone she is emotionally invested in this and cant seem to break it off. I feel like a door mat . How does some one pursue a married woman for seven years? Emotionally I am wrecked at this point my head tells me to give up but my heart does not want that.
> I feel very alone, people that have not been here dont understand to them the answer is simple "just leave" I need insight from people who have been HERE and understand the dark place this really is.


A man will not usually invest this amount of time and effort in a woman without having a sexual need met along with the rest of the relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

7yearloser said:


> Sorry
> Should have read that she has told me that she would end it. The only way I could end it would land me in jail. I guess my real question should be what type of person would pursue a married woman for seven years without any regard for what they are doing to the persons spouse and children. I'm sure my wifes source of unhappiness is the guilt of what she has put us through and her inability to break off the affair.


How long have you been married? How long has she been unhappy. You do know her being in an affair enables her not being happy with you.


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## 7yearloser (Mar 14, 2012)

thanks to all that have replied a good dose of reality has amazingly made me feel better.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

when a wayward says they want a separation is almost always translated to _ "I would like the freedom to explore my affair without interference and still keep my spouse as a back up plan if it doesn't work out"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> when a wayward says they want a separation is almost always translated to _ "I would like the freedom to explore my affair without interference and still keep my spouse as a back up plan if it doesn't work out"


Heed these words jilted. This is EXACTLY what it means when the WS is in the affair.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

So sorry you are going through something so awful as this, I remember what it felt like myself I am a BS as well.
I tried to blame my husband's OW for a while too, You cannot make sense of decisions that hurt others so much it is illogical to make a choice like that based on how we were all raised.
It is pure selfishness and poor boundaries.......
So people know right from wrong and don't cross the line some know and still do ..........
Remember this he wouldn't be able to if your wife didn't let him into her world, it was her job to protect your marriage not his.......
She made the promises to you......
You need to take a deep breath and start putting a plan together, your wife wants to move out so she can continue contacting him and she wants to do that without guilt so not being with you acheives that goal, don't let that happen, don't you move out no matter what..........Do not make having her affair easy get in the way of that without landing in jail.
You need to ask her for no contact with him and if she refuses you need to shine a light on the affair and that is through exposure, to anyone important to her and the OM, his family, wife girlfriend, mom, dad.
You need allies on the other side as well to watch and try to discourage the affair, she will be mad at first expect that, but it will probably end the affair if everyone esle knows this is what they are doing.......
If you have children tell them in an age appropriate way.......
Tell her parents, siblings.......ask for help saving your marriage.
You do this all very calmly and with no expectation it usually take a number of months to go through this whole process. But she will evenutally come back to reality.........
I would also put a key logger on her comp, a tracking device on her phone and some way to record any conversations she is having.......You have to know what you are dealing with in order to save your marriage, do not tell her about that or this site.....
A good plan of attack wins the war and this is a war to save your marriage, in every marriage one person has to carry the other because of their weaknesses and this is your time.
When I was going through this I kept saying to myself the thing the two of them forgot about was "ME" and all the strength I had................


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