# I'm in love with you but not "IN LOVE" with you



## hope4family

Hello everyone. My wife told me this 3 weeks ago tomorrow. It didn't come as a surprise as we had a few blowout arguments leading up to this. I am not sure that this is the proper sub-topics to go over what I think has gone wrong or right, but I will try, if anything, just to vent. If you have advice, I'll read it, consider it. 

That being said, I have told her that if she doesn't want to be together after marriage counseling that's fine too. I am going to fix the problem I have and she can either benefit from it the rest of her life or someone else will come along and benefit.

I decided to trim the story down. WAY DOWN! (It was primarily just me venting and getting it all out.) Essentially I have come across as controlling. Most of it is trust issues that I have from telling me that her body belongs to someone else, and repeatedly bringing him back into our lives for the first 8 months of marriage. We have been married two years now. 

She has never had a physical affair, and I believe that. But now according to her my "issues" have caused her to question why we were ever married to begin with, she questions whether or not she has ever loved me. This is something that I just need to put online and get my mind out of the phunk. Thanks for reading my previous message. Going to keep moving on.


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## synthetic

Hopefully you're acting on your words and truly "moving on". The moment someone accuses you of being "controlling" and gives you the ILYBINILWY speech, you MUST start the essential process of manning up and detachment.

Follow this list to the T and you should be 10 times the man you feel like right now within a few weeks. Don't backtrack. It'll only make the process more painful. (As a bonus, you might see your wife do a complete 180 and come back begging, but that's not really what you should be doing these things for)

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this book in the next 24 hours: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend times with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## hope4family

Thanks we are going to marriage counseling next week. I am already doing most points that were said. The 180 though, is my next logical step. Right now I do not even know the true reason for her wanting to divorce.

I only know that one point she brought someone else into our life. Emotionally and it has bothered me ever since. However, going through this process right now, that has started to matter less and less and I find myself being "glad" for it. The only problem is, that as soon as she tries to justify my "controlling" her, I have the painful fact of reminding her that she isn't earning trust. 

Oh well, i'm going to read these things. Tonight after dinner out. I am going out. The second hardest part in all this, is the fact we have a child.


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## synthetic

You're being cheated on. It doesn't have to be a full blown act of intercourse. She was/is/will be cheating on you.

Marriage counseling is for 2 people who love and respect their marriage. Your wife is an unloving disrespectful cheating and selfish person. Why are you trying to fix something that doesn't even exist?

Learn to respect yourself first. If your wife comes to her senses, good. If not, it's her loss. Let her fall on her ass.


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## Toffer

Synthetic is right. There are 3 people in your marriage right now.

Your wife telling you that her body belongs to someone else is so hurtful and disrespectful I'm not sure why you'd want to save this.

Let her go. She's not worth the effort and start the 180 NOW. Do not wait one more minute and stop wasting your money on counseling for someone who has no desire to be with you. Use it instead to hire a good lawyer and find out what your rights are.


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## hope4family

Yup you guys are right. As of last night I got the "I was never in love with you. I thought I could learn to love you." speech. MC is the last chance we have to salvage it, but I asked her straight up if she is using it as an excuse to bide her time. So far I got a mixed answer of both. 

Right now I want counseling. Just to expose all this and put it to her face. Told her that she can leave ANYTIME but she can't take child with her. She has been a SAHM and is now desperately searching for a car. She wants to buy it with "our money" I can only laugh at this point. 

She quit, or worse, she never loved me, our marriage, our dreams, our hopes and plans. Two years of my life. Gone, and now I have a child that will keep me tied to her for years to come. 

I'm heartbroken, not because she wasted years of my life and lied to me. Rather, because she wants me to take care of her and have her stay here while she gets a job with my car and pays rent to me. (The car I bought well before our marriage.)


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## Toffer

Get an appointment with a lawyer to find out what your rights are.

Stop paying for MC because it's a waste of time. I also can't help but think she's already or is cheating on you (that whole "my body belongs to someone else" crack). Investigate quietly! Get a keylogger on the PC, get a VAR for under the front seat of the car and go on line and look at her cell phone calls.texts.

Be thankful it's only been 2 years. You've still got a full life ahead of you and you'll find someone else who will love you AND your son.

The existing car should be yours since it was bought by you before the marriage.

Again, get to a lawyer ASAP


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## hope4family

I am making arrangements for the 180, separating finances and moving the child and I to the God parents temporarily. 

Toffer I may not be doing it all quickly. But I am well on my way. Thanks. The cell phone stuff I plan on having within 24 hours. Not because it matters to saving the marriage but might dictate what happens with our child.


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## Toffer

Depends on the state you're in and the laws.

Is it a community property state?

The only real affect it will have regarding your son would be if she put him in harm's way (ie, had her drug abusing pedophile BF babysit him)

Good luck!


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## Mr Blunt

Your wife has disrespected you in a very profound way. She has attacked your very manhood and is very mean spirited. She has no consideration for you.

In some states the courts will seriously consider which parent can supply the child with the support the child will need (Medical, schooling, housing, transportation, etc). If that is true in your state then you have a very good chance of being the custodial parent and you will get at least 50% of the time with your son, probably more.

If you have decided that this marriage is toast then do everything you can in the legal and financial department. *Force yourself to put away the emotions that tempt you to compromise your focus on your son, and the financial, and legal part.*


It seems that the only thing that is salvageable in this relationship is your son, your finances, and the legal part. *Don’t turn to hate and vengeance but get a plan and be determined to win in all three areas*.


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## hope4family

@Toffer - Your avatar makes me smile every time and pretty much sums up my feelings. 
@Mr Blunt - I am trying not to let emotions rule the day. Its hard when you are hurt by the one that you held closest to your heart. I've given so much and still feel like I have more to give. However, the writing is on the wall and hopefully a new mrs hope4family comes along soon and benefits from all the love and cherishing I will give her. I'll probably post a vent thread later. Thanks guys.


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## hope4family

MC was tonight. I think this is not salvageable. I already had an appointment with an attorney. The financial 180 is underway. All the money should be in my name by tomorrow. I do not think I will go to a counselor anymore. 

Essentially she would have me gamble on my childs life with a "so-so" feeling towards saving the marriage. She isn't touching me, isn't caring for me, refuses to name "friends" when I ask her who these friends are who are helping her out on her plans of leaving. 

I have no proof of an affair, I know emotionally she has done it once and tonight in MC she dropped two bombs.

1) She was never attracted to me. 
2) I should have stopped us from marrying, she never loved me. 

I am through with the heartbreak. It is hurtful to hear this things, but I must move on for my child now and seek legal counsel to make my next choice. 

The hardest thing about MC tonight was the fact that I didn't hear a single thing about me making a mistake inside the marriage. I didn't hear a single moment of her saying I treated her badly or unfair, or controlling. It breaks my heart to say this guys, but I knew it. I didn't do a damn thing wrong. I hoped that maybe it was me, that maybe I could fix it if it was something I did during the marriage. It's not. 

Thanks for letting me vent. With all my heart I loved, respected, and trusted her. I am sure I made mistakes, and i'll look inward to make sure the next one benefits from me fixing them. For now though, I need to go fight for my child. There will be a funeral for my love for her, you are all invited to attend.


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## alphaomega

Ok. Bud. Get some self respect back.

Honestly...if my newlywed wife told me in the first 8 months of marriage to ME that her body belonged to someone else......

I would have gotten an annulment.

Why the hell did you even put up with that shat?!!!


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## Mr Blunt

> Thanks for letting me vent. With all my heart I loved, respected, and trusted her. I am sure I made mistakes, and i'll look inward to make sure the next one benefits from me fixing them. For now though, I need to go fight for my son. There will be a funeral for my love for her, you are all invited to attend.


I hope the funeral will be a cremation. The big danger here is that she may want to come back when she gets a taste of reality. That maybe in a month or a year.

You tolerated another man in her life for the first 8 months of your marriage so you have been willing to compromise quit a bit. Your wife’s heart is mean spirited and I don’t think there is any place that has heart and spirit transplants that will give her a sweet spirit and heart. The chance of her getting a lot better in the near future is slim to none and I think slim left the building.
*
Her coming back into your life in anyway would damage your resolve to make all your efforts for you and your son diminish.* In the years to come only you and your son are what will be salvageable in your marriage to this woman.

Any woman that has treated you the way she has for two years has very little chance of making you a good wife now or in the future.


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## hope4family

To be clear. She admitted only talking to him once on facebook. The one message she sent from my account. I have no other evidence of an EA. My line of thinking is nobody after putting there husband through all of that is wanting "closure".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

hope4family said:


> To be clear. She admitted only talking to him once on facebook. The one message she sent from my account. I have no other evidence of an EA. My line of thinking is nobody after putting there husband through all of that is wanting "closure".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course you do realize that she is lying to you, don't you?

Amazing that the single time she messaged with the OM just happened to be the one from your account that you caught, right? You don't really believe that, do you? It's kind of like the thief that got caught and pretends that the one time he got caught was the only act? What bad luck is that! While you have no evidence of an EA, surely she is displaying the signs of having one. You simply haven't discovered it yet.

And yes, she has disrespected you and does not want to save the marriage, but does want the "perks" (financial support). 

Separating the finances and doing the 180 should protect yourself from being used by her. Also seeing an attorney for advise would be a great idea as well.

I wish you luck.


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## hope4family

Thanks guys, this is a "safe" outlet for me. I am getting people who might be slightly biased, but none of her behavior to her has ever been bad. Don't know if the MC we saw last night will see it that way either after she (My wife) wen't on a rant of how manipulated she was into marrying me. 

I love her with all my heart. Yes, I admit the way she says it sounds very convincing. The same kind of convincing that "convinced me" she was wife material. 

Lawyer meeting is at Thursday and I am working to finalize separating finances/phone today.


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## Toffer

At this point does it really matter if she's in an EA or not?

She's already told the MC "how manipulated she was into marrying me".

She doesn't want you
She doesn't want the marriage

File NOW


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## hope4family

Yeah, I want to tell more of the story. Truth be told, it's over, all over. Today when she found out I was separating finances she of course took money out of them before I could touch it all. 

Sad part is, I wasn't even mad when I got home. The writing is on the wall and she knows I have lawyer'd up. She is calling me a hypocrite and two-sided. Basically being very hurtful. 

I just said I am doing my best to protect myself and child. A little after that she said she would give me Primary custody of my child since I have "all the resources". It's heartbreaking but I really think I am the better primary provider for my child, and plan on making this continue. 

I am willing to sign papers now.


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## Toffer

Get on the phone NOW and cancel any joint credit cards you have before she charges them through the roof!!!!!!!!!!!


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## hope4family

Toffer said:


> Get on the phone NOW and cancel any joint credit cards you have before she charges them through the roof!!!!!!!!!!!


Did that yesterday.


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## hope4family

Its a long day. But after I separated finances she has finally become more resigning to divorce. I want to divorce quickly, she just wants to mooch. 

Because alimony MIGHT come into affect even though we have entered this with me being the physical caretaker and her having joint custody/visitation rights. I have not committed to anything until discussing a lawyer. 

My hope is that I can be divorced within a couple of months.


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## Toffer

hope,

Get to a lawyer as soon as you can

I'm sure she's all over this now herself!


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## hope4family

Already got one. First aapt is tomorrow. She wants to divorce easy peasy. Truthfully she will get more out of me that way. But I may be able to cement physical care with joint priviledges which is hard to get here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hope4family

Today I got to have my first full meal. A five guys bacon-cheeseburger with a soda and fries. I have lost 9lbs since my stbxw "broke it to me". I am not used to being this full. But I am glad that I was hungry. 

The irony, my stbxw actually picked the meal up while she was out. She is more friendly now then she has been in the past few weeks. It might be a trap, and I am certainly going to divorce her, but for a brief moment I will take the peace, go to the lawyer, get my rights and questions answered, and then mutually file.

I am going to grief once this is all over. For now, I am fighting for my child, and we are making progress at least verbally. I will try and get some of it written down and then notarized.


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## Toffer

Stick with and don't look back

I am afraid when she realizes she's losing her meal ticket, she'll try and win you back

Don't fall for it!


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## hope4family

She isn't trying to win me back guys. I am keeping a log of whats going on with her attitude. Everyone tells me this is near abandonment. I am not crushed anymore. The meeting with the lawyer went well. She told me that if we can go through the papers alone, together and mutually come to an agreement I can go to her if she gets waffley and shakey and just file. 

Since this is likely something that I will have to keep pushing. Monday morning I will go to the courthouse and likely get the paperwork to file. Unless you both need to go. If she refuses, then I am calling my attourney and retaining her. 

We pretty much have a solid agreement in place on how we are going to take care of child. I just need the stuff filed out and signed. A difficult task with her being (in my opinion) a WW, abandoning, abusive, ignorant, arrogant, intolerant, hateful, spiteful, vengeful, using, false sense of entitlement, cheating, stupid, a perpetual liar, faker, bad mother, bad wife, bad lover, bad friend, uncaring, selfish, feeling sorry for herself, demanding what was never hers,marrying under false pretense (love), threatening, and last but not least as I could go on forever. Not ever loving me.


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## hope4family

Deep down, I just want her to sign the rights of child to me, so I can get on with my life and she with hers. I dont care about her anymore and "no more Mr Nice loving husband/sugar daddy."


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## Toffer

Good for you!

Get this done as soon as possible before she wakes up and realizes what she's let go of!


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## hope4family

Too late. Just now a few minutes ago she has upgraded from so-so (which means no) to "maybe, and i'm so confused" on wanting to reconcile & I am not buying it, and I told her its best that we stay the course. 

This is what she wanted me to do when we first married. (Tell her to hold back on being married, by what she said to our MC in front of me.) So no I aint falling for it. The 180 is working and she is beginning to want to reconcile, but now, so close to freedom and being out of a marriage where I am disrespected and unloved I am instead going to continue to divorce. After we divorce if she is drop dead serious about reconciling (she isnt), maybe she can wait on me emotionally hand and foot for 2 years without feeling genuine commitment. 

No at this point guys it isn't about revenge. The entire time I was calm and cold as she sat on my lap and cried. I only thought of why I am doing this. For me and my child. 

I can't possibly keep this toxic woman in my life when on paper I haven't done a single thing to disrespect or hurt her. I have gone above and beyond the call of a husband and hit father territory. I am only guilty of nurturing, protecting, loving, committed, supportive and the greatest sign of love, forgiveness in both good and bad times.

Thanks for the additional vent. I am fired up about my feelings. The focus is still the child.


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## synthetic

> I am only guilty of nurturing, protecting, loving, committed, supportive and the greatest sign of love, forgiveness in both good and bad times.


Your good deeds sure didn't go unpunished. They rarely do for anyone.

Stay the course and know that you've earned my respect.

The divorce papers are your wife's only shot at seeing her true self in the mirror of life. What she does with that reality is up to her.

Good for you my friend.


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## hope4family

So my s2bxw said that it is "scary" to her how "calm and relaxed" I feel towards this whole process about divorcing. She now is starting to feel like i'm rushing the divorce decision. 

I calmly, (smoothly as she puts it) retorted that I never meant for her to marry me if she didn't love me. So, she may go. I deserve to be loved (and she agrees), so she may go. 

She asked why I wasn't considering counseling anymore. I simply told her at this point, it's not going to be a simple (HA! None of them are, but she makes it sound so simple.) reconciliation. It would be better to divorce for both of us involved and if she feels genuine, reconcile later. 

Since she never loved me, we need to divorce and if she wants to reconcile then she can finally see if those feelings are real. Otherwise, if we stay married, we will both always know, that she didn't love me. Merely chose to say, none of the real problems in the marriage will get fixed and it will "go back to normal."

She says she wont be dating again soon. (Doubt it.) That she is shocked at how open I am to the idea. I simply said, why not? I am in better shape then we married, still have good morals, have a great child, I feel that emotionally/physically I am "going places" and feel that I can find a woman who will appreciate all these things.

In other words gentlemen. I think my s2bxw is searching for how I can say I "genuinely" love her, but am so willing to easily, and quickly let her go. I have something she doesn't. What that secret is, i'll never tell. I explained to her after going through the parent plan that we should mutually file before the week is over. 

I was content in a marriage I was never loved in. To hell with "normal".


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## hope4family

I told her, that if she was seriously having second thoughts on reconciliation, she should read the book I gave her when this whole attitude change towards me first started. I am very curious, if she reads it if at all. If she does it certainly cant hurt, whether she is in a fog of an EA or just scared of losing it all. Either way, I have no intention of reconciling unless we divorce first. 

The only way i'll ever know if her feelings are genuine is if she pursues my love when it isn't hers. Like I did, leading up to our marriage two years ago. I wonder, if she will chase after me? It would be nice to have anyone love me right now. 

Today I enjoyed the random glances of a stranger. A flirty smile and I returned the smile.

This was my vent post guys. Thanks.


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## synthetic

I love when people experience enlightenment and write about it. You will never go back to your old insecure self. 

As Uptown once put it for me: "You now know too much"


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## Hellioness

Good for you! I just read through your post and you're doing the right thing.

Don't let her throw you crumbs in the form of love, affection and possible reconciliation. You know where she stands and right now all she's doing is trying to stay on the gravy train. She realizes now that you aren't going to let her have a free ride by continuing to support her until she can find some other poor sap to do it. 

I'm so happy to read that you aren't letting your child suffer for what's going on but you need to stop living together. Every day she's in the house is just another day of her using you. Either you need to kick her out or take the child and leave, let her figure out how she's going to pay bills and get a job.


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## hope4family

I told her bluntly. I wont 'kick her out' primarily cause that looks bad in front of the courts and I am going to have physical custody of the child. But she needs to get out as soon as possible cause once its filed it will only be about a month. Because it will be uncontested. 

She has a job, she has a car, and she knows that the health insurance and everything else is out the door. She is amazed at how hard I am pushing this. Reality is, I have a master plan. Its not conceited, or revenge, but moving on. 

I got hit on by woman today (attractive too!) she said my attitude was hilarious and made her day. So every moment I spend on this is one less possible relationship (friendship) I feel I shouldn't build because I am tied to this person.


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## synthetic

hope4family said:


> I told her bluntly. I wont 'kick her out' primarily cause that looks bad in front of the courts and I am going to have physical custody of the child. But she needs to get out as soon as possible cause once its filed it will only be about a month. Because it will be uncontested.
> 
> She has a job, she has a car, and she knows that the health insurance and everything else is out the door. She is amazed at how hard I am pushing this. Reality is, I have a master plan. Its not conceited, or revenge, but moving on.
> 
> I got hit on by woman today (attractive too!) she said my attitude was hilarious and made her day. So every moment I spend on this is one less possible relationship (friendship) I feel I shouldn't build because I am tied to this person.


That my friend, is called: Growing Up!

In the coming days, there will be some down moments. Remember the master plan and don't backtrack. 

This is the real consequence of her selfishness: LOSING YOU.


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## DH1971

hope4family said:


> Hello everyone. My wife told me this 3 weeks ago tomorrow. It didn't come as a surprise as we had a few blowout arguments leading up to this. I am not sure that this is the proper sub-topics to go over what I think has gone wrong or right, but I will try, if anything, just to vent. If you have advice, I'll read it, consider it.
> 
> That being said, I have told her that if she doesn't want to be together after marriage counseling that's fine too. I am going to fix the problem I have and she can either benefit from it the rest of her life or someone else will come along and benefit.
> 
> I decided to trim the story down. WAY DOWN! (It was primarily just me venting and getting it all out.) Essentially I have come across as controlling. Most of it is trust issues that I have from telling me that her body belongs to someone else, and repeatedly bringing him back into our lives for the first 8 months of marriage. We have been married two years now.
> 
> She has never had a physical affair, and I believe that. But now according to her my "issues" have caused her to question why we were ever married to begin with, she questions whether or not she has ever loved me. This is something that I just need to put online and get my mind out of the phunk. Thanks for reading my previous message. Going to keep moving on.


Seems reasoned to let go now before u spend several years wishing u had.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hellioness

hope4family said:


> I told her bluntly. I wont 'kick her out' primarily cause that looks bad in front of the courts and I am going to have physical custody of the child. But she needs to get out as soon as possible cause once its filed it will only be about a month. Because it will be uncontested.
> 
> She has a job, she has a car, and she knows that the health insurance and everything else is out the door. She is amazed at how hard I am pushing this. Reality is, I have a master plan. Its not conceited, or revenge, but moving on.
> 
> I got hit on by woman today (attractive too!) she said my attitude was hilarious and made her day. So every moment I spend on this is one less possible relationship (friendship) I feel I shouldn't build because I am tied to this person.


That is understandble, just try to keep track and make sure you aren't supporting her in anyway now that you know she never loved you and has simply been using you.

I'm trying not to come off as harsh and I understand we may not know the full story here but women like this really irk my muffin....


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## hope4family

It all comes down to being a man of my word. Little else. She knows I love her, and that the timeline for divorce is real and that when it is finalized she must be gone.


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## Hellioness

hope4family said:


> It all comes down to being a man of my word. Little else. She knows I love her, and that the timeline for divorce is real and that when it is finalized she must be gone.


Well it makes sense why she's saying you're rushing things then. Though I am horribly curious about your master plan you keep hinting too lol :rofl:


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## hope4family

Mans gotta have secrets.


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## Hellioness

hope4family said:


> Mans gotta have secrets.


Yeah but he doesn't have to be a tease about them!!!


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## hope4family

Well I have just wrapped up a good portion of the dreaded "parent plan". She was ill this morning so that means she couldn't go pickup the divorce papers. That means yours truly will have to see this through. 

If she remains unresponsive to filing out her ends of the paperwork. I will contact an attorney and have them file and represent me in the upcoming custody battle. I am in surgical strike mode and I feel like i'm getting closer all the time to the end. 

That being said, I like using this line as often as I can in life. So as I do all this, "Pray to whatever God(s) you do or do not believe in." The strength for every day is tiring. But I hope to start a new thread in the "going through divorce/post divorce" sections soon.


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## hope4family

A day later. Work wasn't as bad today. Which was a shocker. I work in an environment where lately more work is on the desk then there is time in the day. So any day where I can "break even" feels incredibly productive. 

I just got off the phone with my s2bxw. Saying she misses our child. Went on a small tangent on how much it hurts that she isn't near it. The most painful jab is the line "I almost miss you." She says she will get the papers tomorrow, and sorry that she couldn't get them today. Makes sense. 

She is also moving out tomorrow. I dont know if she will move out completely, but yeah. First days of the rest of me and the child's life. I really had to pause for a second and remind myself of my goals and the phrase, "I need to be loved, not love to be needed."

There are other details of today I wish I could discuss/vent, but even today it feels like the interwebs can only provide so much anonymity.


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## hope4family

One thing that bothers me is I cant shake that either A) She is holding back something big. B) She is still trying to manipulate my emotions through tiny jabs and pangs of hurt gauging for a line and boundary to cross. 

It's discouraging and counterproductive to a peaceful divorce. I wouldn't call this peaceful, but experience has taught me that it can always be worse. This concludes my rant post. 

Oh I saw the movie the dark knight rises recently. Talk about a movie that I painfully relate to portions of. The struggle to rise above ones challenge and face the "bane" of ones existence. lol, I see what I did there.


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## Hellioness

Well these another one of her gems that are sure to keep you focused on your main goal..."I ALMOST miss you"


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## hope4family

Well. She moved out today. It's odd and somewhat painful. Both relief, and shock. Not because of all the times that were supposedly so bad. Rather for all the times I thought things were going good. 

She gave me the keys to the vast majority of things I have access to. (I made copies for her a long time ago.) She still has an apartment key until we divorce, and because she has a few things left she would need to get. She did manage to get the papers today. I might not make my Friday deadline due to office issues of "dont do it on a weekend". It is what it is though. 

The main goal in all of this is coming to fruition. For a brief moment though, let me reflect and say in this thread. That I do not want my wife to go. That I love her dearly, and all of this breaks my heart. Now that I got that out of the way. I am looking forward to a life with my child, I am shoring up my commitments, I am praying and dedicating myself to a life of a single Father. It is very liberating, and I look forward to all of the adventures we will share together.

Oh and having lady friends again will be nice. I do miss the lady friends.


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## hope4family

After tonights meeting and discussing the divorce papers I will be contacting an attorney. Essentially without embarrassment its simply too much work to get us both to sit in a room long enough and do. 

This is best for me, because the entire time I am hearing jabs like "next time, make sure she is the right one so you dont have to do this again." I swear, if there wasn't a child involved I would be doing something, something very very wrong. 

I am so glad that I will have this poison out of my life soon. There can be no greater joy for me. I can't believe that even for a brief moment I got caught up on the "good ol times" when she can say bull**** like that. 

Oh, and it gets worse way worse. So now without a doubt, she never loved me. Thats the reason. I can say without doubt that I still dont know what its like to be in a loving marriage for real. But I refuse to be sorry for myself right now and will keep my eyes on the prize. 

Thanks for letting me vent today guys. It's been great having the support group. I will stick to the plan.


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## synthetic

> I will stick to the plan.


Peace, awareness and happiness await you around the corner.


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## Toffer

Hope,

Finish it and live your life to the fullest

Good luck!


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## WalkingInLight

hope4family said:


> One thing that bothers me is I cant shake that either A) She is holding back something big. B) She is still trying to manipulate my emotions through tiny jabs and pangs of hurt gauging for a line and boundary to cross.


It's hardly surprising that you feel this way. Everything you shared has all the hallmarks of her being in an affair.

You might want to head on over to the Coping with Infidelity section of this site and read some of the sticky posts.


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## hope4family

WalkingInLight said:


> It's hardly surprising that you feel this way. Everything you shared has all the hallmarks of her being in an affair.
> 
> You might want to head on over to the Coping with Infidelity section of this site and read some of the sticky posts.


I think you are merely stating the obvious. I have had to deal with it. I would tell you more gruesome details, but until I am divorced I do not believe in the anonymity of the internet that much. 

Thank you for your advice and support. I actually read a few threads just now and all it does is re-affirm. An affair though, does not help me in the divorce process. If it did, I would look into it.


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## WalkingInLight

hope4family said:


> I think you are merely stating the obvious. I have had to deal with it. I would tell you more gruesome details, but until I am divorced I do not believe in the anonymity of the internet that much.
> 
> Thank you for your advice and support. I actually read a few threads just now and all it does is re-affirm. An affair though, does not help me in the divorce process. If it did, I would look into it.


From your posts it didn't seem as though it were "obvious" to you at all.

I can understand your saying that it won't help with your divorce proceedings.


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## hope4family

A lot has happened from point a to b.  The blinders are pretty much off.


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## hope4family

About 5 days ago, I finally got my diet stable to the point where I felt I could workout again. Because of this I am eating more. I can't attack a treadmill because of my bad knees. So I hit the weights. With my new found weight loss (9lbs), I am starting to look better then ever and notice that I get looks wherever I go now. 

I still got a ways to go in this department to where I want to be. I will retain the lawyer, but wont be able to get their services until 1 week from now due to my job. 

So while I focus on work, I will also put new focus on my workout.


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## hope4family

Well guys, I am still getting out and doing stuff. I wont say exactly what, but lets just say, I met up with my best friend. Ya'know the one who is always there for ya. You may "grow apart" from this friend, but when things get tough. They are always there. 

My workout was fantastic yesterday, unfortunately, I haven't slept much so I haven't done my workout today yet. I will probably do a light one "rep" workout just to maintain muscle. 

Also I got a new brace for the knees, and let me say. It helps. A lot.


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## hope4family

Quick update. Work out is going well. Im still trying to take care of child and myself. There are moments of exetreme depression brought on by the fact that she was never a real spouse. Sadly I am continuing to fall out of love with this person. That is all for now. My child is healthy. I am healthy. Nothing more to ask for right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer

Hang in there!


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## Hellioness

You're doing fantastic. Just remember what and who is important. Keep it up!


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## hope4family

Thanks for the encouragement. I am in a holding pattern due to work. But it does technically notch off a couple of synthetics to-do list items. Since I feel comfortable about the child at the moment, I am focusing on me. 

My daily workouts continue to go well, and I might even be putting on some weight (muscle with a couple pounds fat I think and its good) from my little adventures. I am back up to 3 meals a day, so I am trying to balance a diet out with three meals. I even got a shirt that is starting to look tight due to muscle! HA!

So for the rant portion. To give you guys a picture into my life. A lot of people have called me "courageous" in this process. While its a compliment that I think is owed to my awesome support group of family, friends, co-workers, and even posters (thanks guys/gals) on this forum. I still get that compliment a lot. 

But I have always been called courageous. It has been good therapy for me as several people from my past have come out of the woodwork reminded me of that time I was there for them in their time of need. Having them just talk to me, or send me a letter note has helped so much. It reminds me of who I am, and what I need to be when I get out of this for my child.


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## hope4family

Taking it easy today and tomorrow. Spent a lot of time with family and friends this past week. My s2bxw kissed me on the cheek in one of our meetings. Enticing almost a wtf moment. But like another time where we held hands its not going to change my resolve. It cannot fix what was said or done. 

The results of the exercise is me looking and feeling good. Besides some pain in my knees I've done very well for myself. My goals have kept me going and all that remains is scheduling the appointments with the lawyer. 

Thanks again for all the support guys.


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## hope4family

It was a busy weekend. On top of watching my child on and off. (I had prior commitments long before.) I caught a movie, helped out with a local charity, got a haircut, did a buffet at 10 at night, had a therapy session, went to church, went shopping, and finally am back at work. 

Edit: Oh I also stopped at a restaurant I often went to when I was single. I enjoy the "So-and-so, where have you been?" looks I get. 

Of all this, the hardest moment was shopping. Not because I didn't know what to get or do. Rather, it was hard because, I missed going shopping with "my family".

Child is at day care and i'm at work. Time to kick this pig. One step at a time.


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## synthetic

> the hardest moment was shopping.


In my thread in the private section, there's a mini-story about my shopping struggle. I went to the store, and couldn't hold myself together. Left in tears.


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## hope4family

synthetic said:


> In my thread in the private section, there's a mini-story about my shopping struggle. I went to the store, and couldn't hold myself together. Left in tears.


I might have watered a few times. I held it together though. I'm not trying to sound tough. The way I feel is that not crying is every much of a gentle trait as crying is. In other words, I will cry soon.

Besides, I retained the lawyer today. I don't think i'll do the paperwork sent tonight. It was hard enough getting through work, picking the child up from day care and once we got home I got this look that said "where is mom?" 

I am an unstoppable force around my s2bxw. An immovable object around most family and friends. It is here that I choose to have a moment to cry. Goodnight folks.


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## hope4family

Oh and Synthetic. I got wrapped up in the emotion. I forgot to empathize with you. It means a lot that you take the time to share that moment with me. Divorce still isn't what I would want. 

Then again, none of this process is about what I want. But what I need to do.


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## hope4family

I had a breakdown as I said. It was needed. I am glad I do my workouts at home, because in between sets I went to go do pushups and just started bawlin like a kid who skinned his knee for the first time. 

Not like that stopped me from finishing the workout. I kept pushing. I got in touch with more old friends. I am not making as many new ones....yet. 

I reached a milestone the other day in my workouts. My body is getting stronger. I rewarded myself with some semi-bad for you lean fast food meat. (No fatty carbs though. Just lean protein with bread.) Got to live a little.

My child is doing great. Really adjusting well to day care life from what I am told. Kids resilient and smart. But child is having a hard time sleeping at home at night. I think once this is finalizes I will move out as soon as my lease allows.


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## Toffer

Keep up the great work!

You'll get there and a little further down the road your life will be so much better


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## hope4family

Workouts are going very well. I can drop and do 50 push-ups at pretty much a drop of a hat now. I've had a hard time physically and emotionally over the last few days. But I still have kept it up. 

Met up with the s2bxw recently to do the child swap. I got complimented on looks 3x. I cant help but think its continuous mind games. I got some messages saying how sometimes she missing me and child a lot and somtimes not.

I tell her its going to be alright. I got another messages saying how she is not sure but thanks anyway. I mean seriously. WTH?! Here we are though. Marchin on.


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## warlock07

Ask her to not contact you unless it is about the child...Keep her at a distance emotionally. And expose her affair to her family and mutual friends once you are done with the divorce. Before she makes you the controlling abusive *******.


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## livinfree

How did you manage to get her to leave? The dilemma im stuck with is an entitled cake eater of 17 years.


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## hope4family

Checking in. I got lots going on. Including another trip. I wish I could tell you all good news. I do have "some good news". I feel like my s2bxw is starting to have what might be major second thoughts. That scares me more then going through this whole process. 

My workouts and my confidence has opened many doors for me. So much so that I already have someone asking for squatters rights once I declare myself ready. Its humbling going from being with someone who thought you were "homely" to being pursued by women. 

Most importantly. The child is taken care of with me, and will be taken better care of once this process is finalized. 

@planbnomore - I feel ya. I got lucky. No idea. None. Taking it and running with it. 

Rant section. My s2bxw has been very humble, apologetic, even understanding the last few times I have spoken with her. I anticipate a bait and switch. Or a switch then bait? Not sure. Last night I got a random text with her asking me if I ever miss her. Frankly guys/gals I don't.


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## almostsingle30

WOW, I love how strong you are being...I am in your situation, but it is my husband who is telling me he doesn't love me any more...We have a 1 and 5 year old and i know if it weren't for them he would have left already..We are going to our 3rd MC tonight...BLA, I just wish he would leave..He is making me sit in limbo waiting to make a decision on whether or not he wants to try and make this work. It hurts so badly..Any updates on your situation?


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## hope4family

almostsingle30 said:


> WOW, I love how strong you are being...I am in your situation, but it is my husband who is telling me he doesn't love me any more...We have a 1 and 5 year old and i know if it weren't for them he would have left already..We are going to our 3rd MC tonight...BLA, I just wish he would leave..He is making me sit in limbo waiting to make a decision on whether or not he wants to try and make this work. It hurts so badly..Any updates on your situation?


We went through 2 councilors. Whats important though is if he actually wants to work on the marriage. It will sound silly. But if he doesn't want the marriage to work. Call him out on it. Otherwise it will likely be a battle of will. 

One thing is very important though. A councilor job is not to make one person fall in love with the other or convince one person to stay over the other. They can help you work out issues. But not much more beyond that. Its really up to the couple and their individual relationship. 

In my case. My ex, wanted out. So, shes out.


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## hope4family

I guess another update. She has initiated contact every day since Thursday. Not much really. A phone call, text or both. Its way too much when compared to days of no contact. 

I have gotten a lot more "how are you"s lately. Probably more in the past week then a few months. I have no control over her emotions and feelings. I have no communion or barometer to tell you all whats going on in her mind. 

I am simply going to tell you I have moved on. She wanted out. Alot of the aspects of our relationship was unhealthy. I let her go. I'm happy for her. I'm sure she is a great person and once her mind is out of the fog another guy will easily be with her if not already.


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## almostsingle30

We just got back from therapy session #3 and it was bad...My husband still wants to work this out (if we can) but he said some really hurtful things tonight and I don't know if I can get past it...He said he loves me, but isn't in love with me, ect...

The worst thing is that he has never made me aware he was so "unahppy" till now...he has always said and acted like he loved me so much. I am so sick of the emotional term oil...

I WANT to make our marriage work, but I can't do anything to get him to fall in love with me and I don't want to be with someone who isn't in love with me...I am so hurt and down right now...


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## hope4family

almostsingle30 said:


> We just got back from therapy session #3 and it was bad...My husband still wants to work this out (if we can) but he said some really hurtful things tonight and I don't know if I can get past it...He said he loves me, but isn't in love with me, ect...
> 
> The worst thing is that he has never made me aware he was so "unahppy" till now...he has always said and acted like he loved me so much. I am so sick of the emotional term oil...
> 
> I WANT to make our marriage work, but I can't do anything to get him to fall in love with me and I don't want to be with someone who isn't in love with me...I am so hurt and down right now...


OK. I wen't back and read your story. I understand what you are going through. However, it still feels different from my situation because to a large extent your husband wants to stay. Even if its for the kids right now. 

It will take work. He is still venting the problems. Keep it up in counseling. Divorce is a terrible process and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Especially if there is a fragment of hope. Remember MC is a "safe environment" to state how you really feel. Let him do it. 

Take it one day at a time. Work on yourself by making yourself the best possible person for him. Try working on his primary "love language". If he can let you know what that language is. 

It will take time. I believe you can turn it around. He has two beautiful children that is binding him to you. All you need to do from here is show him how much you love him. 

I'll try and find your story and post my thoughts there.


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## hope4family

Ladies and gents. We have just gone nuclear. She wants me to turn back on the filing for divorce. I am still resolved to file. I know I seem calm and cool on the forum. But the hurt and betrayal that has occurred against me is not reconcilable anymore. 

I need to be loved. I dont love to be needed by her. I want a marriage and or relationship where someone feels like they chose and maybe even pursued me even just a little because they actually had feelings for me. Even now, I feel that I am not getting that basic need or desire met by her just "saying that" in a message.

I'm sure we will talk soon. If you pray, please do for me. I am so tired of manipulation in this process. My s2bx has never loved me. (Her words.) So I cant resolve myself into staying for any reason, even if suddenly miraculously she were to. I still have years of lies that I do not think can be undone.


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## anchorwatch

She's having separation anxiety. She's is missing having you at her beckon call. Your're just lost piece of jewelry that she found missing. This just tells you how shallow she is. Do you want more? None of these reasons mean she loves you. Remember that.


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## Toffer

Stay the course man!

Finish this and then you can decide what you want for the rest of your life

Be strong!


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## hope4family

Toffer said:


> Stay the course man!
> 
> Finish this and then you can decide what you want for the rest of your life
> 
> Be strong!


Thanks all. But man Toffer, every time I look at your avatar I laugh. Something about snoopy and the red baron. 

Childhood memories can truly be the best.


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## Toffer

I picked that one to signify how many times I've been "shot down" by my wife!


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## sinnister

Your strength is so fulfilling to read. 

While I'm sorry for your situation, I love to read stories where people like you have found so much strength and positive reinforcement.

Working on yourself and your child and diving full in. Turning your back on the negative and downright evil that would bring you down.

Stay strong man. You are inspiring.


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## hope4family

@Toffer, I feel for ya. 

@Sinnister - Thanks. I have found a lot of comfort and support on the forum. As well as family, friends, and some new friends I have made along the way. My mind is made up what to do pretty much regardless. Its just walking into a situation and not knowing what to find. 

Like so many other things I had to go through for my s2bx, it feels like a trap.


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## synthetic

File for divorce.

Let her figure out what she needs to do in order to marry you again


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## hope4family

Wow, what a night. 

No I didn't take her back. Told her I didn't love and dont trust her. That what was done cannot so easily be undone. I thought about it, and will likely think about it just to make sure over the next few days. I just need to file in the meantime.

For what its worth, she is sorry and does love me. I just cant believe that after being told for months that I was never loved. Her not wanting MC, the lack of respect, her moving out, repeatedly sending texts saying how much I am not missed, the lack of any attempt at all to reconcile. 

Then I am supposed to forgive and forget. Take back and accept. My s2bxw brings nothing to the table other then an apology and that's supposed to be our new glorious start? *sigh*


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## Toffer

Sounds to me as if she may be starting to miss her ATM (Opps, I meant hubby)


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## hope4family

Rant time. 

First wave of paperwork sent. I cried today. Got myself together so I could drive my child to day care. All her actions have done, is re-opened the old wounds of hurt, betrayal, and loneliness. 

I feel as if I need to write why. Maybe later. I am debating at the moment whether or not I should move this to the private section.


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## Toffer

hope,

Do you think she's on here???


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## hope4family

Toffer said:


> hope,
> 
> Do you think she's on here???


The internet is a dangerous place. While it doesn't do anything legally in my state. She could get really pissed and just try and make things difficult. 

Since no doubt she will now consider herself to be the person who is "in the right", "trying to save the marriage" which is hilarious at best. She might start looking for a place to vent. Anything is possible. Right now, this long process is causing me to give too many details. Sucks, but it is what it is. Maybe when this is all over i'll do a name change or something.


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## anchorwatch

Hope, ask a Mod to move your thread to the private member section, if it makes you feel more comfortable.


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