# Is being a virgin a dealbreaker?



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I'm 24, still virgin. 
It has nothing to do with religion [I'm not a religious type btw]. 
I'm just waiting for the right moment/guy. For someone I truly care about. 
I've had many chances to lose my virginity. Lately I was offered to be in a "friends with benefits" casual relationship with a guy friend of mine. 
Thta's not how I want to lose my virginity or have sex. 

There are some guy friends in my cycle of friends who say virginity is a deal breaker to them.

I'm not ashamed to admit my virginity and at the same time I don't brag about it. It's just my pesonal choice and I don't want men to judge me over that. 
************************************************
Would you be in a relationship with a virgin girl/woman?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

But I also think that a man who doesn't respect my virginity is not a man worth having.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

It wasn't a deal breaker for me with my wife, and she was just a bit older than you when we met (and still was a virgin).

Don't just give away your v-card to some random dude. Not worth it at all.

Don't just be a friends with benefits, save yourself for someone you really love. Let it be a gift to that person, don't just toss it away 'cuz.

The man that falls in love with you, and you with him, will love you for you... not love you for your sexual experience.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not a deal breaker. Just so long as when we'd do it, the person had a High Drive like myself.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> a man who doesn't respect my virginity is not a man worth having


I guess I'm the only one who feels this way, but I do not think your virginity is anything to be especially respected. The only thing to be respected is your right to make whatever choices you make regarding your body.

A virgin? That is your choice and I respect YOU and your right to make it.

Not a virgin? That is your choice and I respect YOU and your right to make it.

By suggesting that a man must respect your 'virginity,' you are implying that he has less reason to respect you once you have given it to someone. You are just as respectable to me whether you choose to be a virgin or choose to be a non-virgin.

THAT being said, I am very proud of you for making your OWN choices, free of pressure from others!

~I'm a woman, and I'm 55yo


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't understand the current mindset that you are supposed to lose your virginity in high school. To me it devalues sex as a physical act only. I think there are many people who wish that they had fewer partners, or had waited until they were older so that they understood the power of sex to bond you to another person.

As others have said, when you find that special guy, he will be thrilled that you were willing to wait for him. It means so much more when it is not given away casually.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

as long as she was a sexuall person,someone who could openly talk about what thet like and had an overall good open minded attitude about sex in general.

But if she had some unusal inhabitions or was not willing to make sex fun and exciting learn about it together then it would be a deal breaker.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> But I also think that a man who doesn't respect my virginity is not a man worth having.


I don't respect your virginity... it's a piece of flesh. It's not like it's some grand prize or somesuch.

What I absolutely positively DO respect is your right to pick who your first (and subsequent) sexual encounters will be with.

For me personally, it wouldn't matter one way or the other. I don't evaluate life partners on the basis of their sexual prowess.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

When I met my wife I was taken by her beauty, having sex was not on my mind. I wanted to get to know her, there should be no rush to have sex. She made me wait a very long time, till we married. It was not a dealbreaker for me because I was in love. 

If a man is not willing to wait, it is not a good sign.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

SA's husband said:


> If a man is not willing to wait, it is not a good sign.


Yep, if he doesn't want to wait... there's a very very good chance he just wants to get into your pants but just isn't that into you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What about if a woman doesn't want to wait? I'm serious...

I tried waiting once for a man I cared for to have sex. Waited over 6 months. Just odd. It didn't last. He was weird in bed.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> A virgin? That is your choice and I respect YOU and your right to make it.
> 
> Not a virgin? That is your choice and I respect YOU and your right to make it.


You're totally right! That's the point I was trying to make.
Someone who will be by my side should do it whether I'm virgin or not. _My virginity should not make any difference to him _as long as he loves me for who I am. 
Even if I weren't a virgin, I'd like him to love me just the same.

It's just that some guys think this is odd and they wouldn't date a virgin girl. I wonder why would this matter to them!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> For me personally, it wouldn't matter one way or the other. I don't evaluate life partners on the basis of their sexual prowess.


That's right! 
I don't want to be appreciated/underappreciated because of my lack of sexual experience or virginity.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

that_girl said:


> What about if a woman doesn't want to wait? I'm serious...
> 
> .


If a woman doesn't want to wait then that's fine. She doesn't have to wait if she feels like having sex. 
It's her choice.


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## sillygurl (Apr 20, 2012)

I lost my virginity to my husband, then boy friend. I went ahead only because I was 100% sure that we are getting married.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No, I meant if a woman doesn't want to wait and her man does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I guess I'm the only one who feels this way, but I do not think your virginity is anything to be especially respected. The only thing to be respected is your right to make whatever choices you make regarding your body.
> 
> A virgin? That is your choice and I respect YOU and your right to make it.
> 
> ...


I think that you are missing the point. It's not that anyone is saying that virginity is special and hence should be respected because it's special. It's that what ever she chooses for herself should be respected. 

In our society today a lot of people look down one on people who do not lose their virginity by the time they are in their early 20's... or even in high school.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> It's her choice.


Absolutely is, I don't think anyone would argue with that. It is your body.

Still when you have sex with someone and it's your first time it does say something about your feelings for them. Especially when you've made a choice to hold out for someone special like you have thus far.

My wife could have slept with many men long before I met her, so many offers. She waited until she met the right guy and that was me. I'm honored and grateful that she chose me.

I wasn't just another guy, I was her choice. She saw me as someone special (and still does )


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

that_girl said:


> What about if a woman doesn't want to wait? I'm serious...
> 
> I tried waiting once for a man I cared for to have sex. Waited over 6 months. Just odd. It didn't last. He was weird in bed.


It would be weird , wouldn't it !! Was he a believer & felt guilty/ sinful... what was his reasons and wasn't it a HUGE struggle anyway?? I assume you did other things since you said he was "weird in bed". 

I know if I wanted to go "all the way"..... it wouldn't have been twisting my husbands arm by any means, he would have happily accommodated, it was my boundary since I was very young- always playing in my head. 

Can't say I didn't want to..... many many many many many many many many many many times!! I was bound & determined to wait that out... Just the way I viewed life back then. But we were clearly tainted virgins...alot of hand roaming. If he didn't try to go for THAT...... I would have felt he wasn't into me or desired me..... I know that would have bothered me tremendously. I wouldn't have wanted a guy "THAT GOOD".... cause I didn't want to be "that good". 

I guess I liked being "the gatekeeper".... but if he had no interest in pushing up against the gate a little.. it wouldn't have been right somehow! 

Our oldest son is waiting, he is as stubborn as I was back then.... but he hasn't had the temptation of a GF yet to see how that plays out......I almost wish some Vixen on him to see if he will BREAK .....nasty I know! 

My biggest fear...he is going to marry a Low Drive woman and curse the day he wanted a virgin. I know that sounds awful .... I tell him all the time.... you want to wait, I can respect that, but if she is not DYING for it, and isn't a regular masterbater... RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN !! 

Great advice from your Mother huh! Just trying to realistic! 

I've read far too many heartbreaking stories here. I was always high drive, I just felt guilty about my sexuality, that was my/ our problem.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh, he wasn't a virgin, he just wanted to wait. I was 28 and he was 41. Nice guy, but the sex thing was almost too much to deal with. 

I lost my virginity in my early 20s to a great guy. We had been dating 10 months and it was ....underwhelming. lol. But over the next 2 years, it got fabulous.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I think there are many people who wish that they had fewer partners, or had waited until they were older so that they understood the power of sex to bond you to another person.


I disagree that sex bonds you to another person. There are many married people who just see it as a duty, and actually still feel some guilt after the act even though they are married. Perhaps what might be said is that mind blowing sex that produces a loving reaction from both partners over a long period of time bonds you to another person. As this forum bears testimony these relationships are really difficult to find and to maintain when all realms of fantasy are cast aside. 

To the OP I think to learn to ride a bike you must be willing to take the chance that you may fall during the process and sex and love are much the same in that regard. There is always a chance of bangs and bruises but if you are too cautious then you never get to the point of freewheeling downhill with the wind billowing your lungs and your ribcage pounding with a racing heart!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well ... we have touched on this subject previously. 

My perspective?

It is well within your right to determine what is best for you.

Just as it is within anyone's right to decide what is best for them.

I place no value on virginity. Not that I would encourage anyone to hurry up and lose it, before they feel they are ready, but it being intact, or long lost has no bearing for me.

My caveat? It becomes a deal-breaker over time. I will tell you that as a divorced forty-something, were I to meet a thirty or forty-something year old with the mindset that you have at 24, I would respectfully pass.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Oh, he wasn't a virgin, he just wanted to wait. I was 28 and he was 41. Nice guy, but the sex thing was almost too much to deal with.


 Oh, that makes no sense at all [email protected]#$%^&*

You never got it out of him...why!

I can understand the young (who has never experienced it) desiring to wait for the love of their life....all that romantic sacredness that each has only been with each other....there is a beauty about that. .

But your 41 yr old dude ..... I don't get it . 

He either had no/very low sex drive, feared the act somehow (hidden ED or PE problems), or he became a born again believer recently & felt it was wrong. 

What else could it have been??


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What else could it have been??


Lost at sea, but was educated by a friendly bunch of dolphins? I'm going with that story... sounds exciting and oh so believable.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Turned out he had low drive (lookin back I see this now).

We dated for 3 years and sex was frustrating. I just believed him and others that I had a problem and was just "too much" and "like a dude". 

lol. All water under the bridge. After breaking up with him because he had no spine (separate issues), I really thought about what I wanted in a man and sexuality compatibility was in the top 5. 

I didn't settle. Hubs and I are very much compatible. 

so be a virgin but work on having a healthy outlook on sex.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Originally posted by SimplyAmorous


> My biggest fear...he is going to marry a Low Drive woman and curse the day he wanted a virgin. I know that sounds awful ....


Doesn't sound awful to me. I have a 14yo daughter and I told her AGAIN today, as a matter of fact, that it is perfectly reasonable to expect to graduate from high school as a virgin. It is easy to do, and reasonable to expect. I reiterated that kids that age are not EMOTIONALLY ready for everything that sex entails. That too many of the kids feel coerced by peer pressure (BF or GF, siblings, friends, media) and are disappointed with the experience or regretful/unhappy with themselves.

That being said, I have made it clear that I fully expect that she will have sex in college. Not gonna be shocked. Not gonna make judgements. Not gonna care. It is part of the growing into full adulthood experience. As long as she is careful, health-conscious, safe and happy, THAT is what matters. I hope to GOD she DOESN'T wait until marriage!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

^^ Similar conversations in this house.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Deejo said:


> My caveat? It becomes a deal-breaker over time. I will tell you that as a divorced forty-something, were I to meet a thirty or forty-something year old with the mindset that you have at 24, I would respectfully pass.


Obviously I wouldn't wait until becoming 40 years old to give away my virginity. THe curiousity to try it wouldn't let me get to this age without trying it. But giving that I'm still young and I have time, I can wait. Obviously I wouldn't like to reach my 30s without trying it in case I don't find the right man haha. 
I can wait a few more years for sure.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

that_girl said:


> No, I meant if a woman doesn't want to wait and her man does.


oh well..that's a challenge to her and the relationship. 
When you want it it's hard to wait I guess.
But I guess true love should wait.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

that_girl said:


> so be a virgin but work on having a healthy outlook on sex.


Yes. I love talking about sex, I can't wait to have it when the moment comes. I'd like to be very open about it with my partner so I'm sure I will have a healthy outlook on it. 
And hopefully I won't be a LD.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

agree with what others say about respecting your choice, whatever that choice may be - and anyone who actually cares one way or the other is probably not worth worrying about

personally I used to love sleeping with virgin males - the opportunity to teach a man everything you know and then send him out into the world to try it out on some lucky lady? bring it on!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> Yes. I love talking about sex, I can't wait to have it when the moment comes. I'd like to be very open about it with my partner so I'm sure I will have a healthy outlook on it.
> *And hopefully I won't be a LD*.


You would know if you are LD right now. For example, I waited for intercourse a very very long time, but I simply HAD to masterbate at least once a week , that "needing it" feeling would build in me..... just like a guy.... just not near as often (young men need it approx 1-3 times a day - or they would be walking around with a Tent in thier pants continuously). 

I was never LD, but I was sexually repressed because I felt so much shame for these things, like I was dirty, God was displeased with me. I am very free to talk about these things now ... but back then, this would have been the one & only thing I would have outright LIED about if someone asked me- I would have turned as red as a lobster likely. Me & my husband never even talked about masterbation with each other till after we had 6 kids! Even the talking about it was taboo for me. 

Unlike yourself LovelyGirl, I was a believer, heard much sex talk in the pew, it was pounded into my head how sinful premarital ANYTHING was. It was like a war for me when I met my BF, no way I could have lived as strictly as they expected...nor did I want too!! ..... so I straddled the fence you might say, and in my conscience (outside of belief), WE felt good about what we did... it kept the emotional connection alive, we weren't climbing the walls, he never stuck it in & we still had something "new" for our Wedding day. But there was a price for all of this....those beliefs warring in my head.... even when we married, I still struggled with feeling dirty... especially anything SPICEY - like oral sex . 




> *enoughisenough said*: I'll add to my previous post - my husband was a virgin when I married him. *He does have reasonably significant sexual repression issues*.


 This doesn't surprise me at all. Though it is so much RARER for men -because they are HIGHER DRIVE generally- and this blows all of that out of the water. I often wonder how this plays out in men. Would love to hear your story !


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not a deal breaker in anyway. If a guy really cared about you, and wanted to be with you, his only worry should be making sure your first time together leaves you wanting more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Its not a deal breaker at all of course i am married and older than you but if i was your age or younger and single it would not be a deal breaker for me at all. 

When i was your age i was not a virgin but i dated a virgin girl she was 20 and i waited a long time or what is considered a long time for a mid 20 year old for sex in a relationship. I waited 8 months! yes it was hard but i really really liked her and i was glad to be her first. 


At your age i do not think there are many virgin guys left although guy's lose their virginity's often earlier than girls once age 17-19 comes "average age its lost" girls actually on average will have more sex than guys. This is cause girls are sought after and the guy's with game are getting all the girls and all the bad girls and the guys without game are left with the "good girls" and the "prudes" the girls that guy's try to avoid cause those girls wont give it up easily. 

So i hope your not just waiting for a virgin guy cause at age 24 i dont think many would exist. Even the most nerdy bad with women guy's i knew had sex by age 22. 


I think its great you have waited you seem like a smart young woman and got a good head on your shoulder. Her is something you likely know already given your past the age of teenage stupidity. MOST PEOPLE do not live good lives and most people are not happy the world is not a wonderful or happy place. Sure there are loads of 15 year old girls having sex right now and beating you at the sex game but who cares. Given how bad of a shape the world is in and given how terrible the lives of most people are and how corruption is everywhere you should not concern yourself with the actions and filth, corruption and sin other's fill themselves with. You may feel you are "Missing" out but in my opinion, Experiences and quality experiences is what maters in life i also feel 98% of humans who ever lived are going to hell so i suppose i have a cynical view on most people and on the world also cause i'ma psychology and science major and i am a lawyer lol, so yeah i suppose i see the truth and reality of the world and it makes me have a negative outlook on most people.


Anyhow best of luck. Hopefully you find the right guy


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> I disagree that sex bonds you to another person. There are many married people who just see it as a duty, and actually still feel some guilt after the act even though they are married. Perhaps what might be said is that mind blowing sex that produces a loving reaction from both partners over a long period of time bonds you to another person. As this forum bears testimony these relationships are really difficult to find and to maintain when all realms of fantasy are cast aside.
> 
> To the OP I think to learn to ride a bike you must be willing to take the chance that you may fall during the process and sex and love are much the same in that regard. There is always a chance of bangs and bruises but if you are too cautious then you never get to the point of freewheeling downhill with the wind billowing your lungs and your ribcage pounding with a racing heart!


Agreed

Sex does NOT BOND YOU

Sex can be very gross and disgusting just read around on this site. For many people in many marriages that are failing or failed its sadly a duty or something they do not want to do. This idea that sex is so special is wrong (imo) IT CAN BE but for most people engaging in sex in the world there is no love and its just an act. You can have great sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend and really like each other than its great, you have amazing making love sex in a 15 year long marriage and its amazing. Or you can have sex with anyone you can find, you can have sex cause you are desperate, or drunk/under other drugs, you can pay for sex, you can be raped, you can have sex with someone because you just are horny, you can have sex with someone just cause you like the way they look.

Sex sadly in this world and its always been this way is not treated as a good or a special thing by most people. Its just an act that is why however "good people" are so interesting cause they often view it differently and in turn "Good people" are often smarter and have better quality lives.

I think however in an "ideal" world and circumstances people would only have sex with those they really cared about and that sex would be much more cherished and respected. But i suppose such a thing only exists in say a "heaven"


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

After reading these forums and other forums like them there would be NO way I would want anybody who is a virgin,because there are too many stories of low sex drive people and you would not find that out until much later or after the wedding or the person has sexual hang ups that you never know about. 

If the person gave it up to me and really wanted to experiment and had no sexual hang ups then it would be a different story.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> So i hope your not just waiting for a virgin guy cause at age 24 i dont think many would exist. Even the most nerdy bad with women guy's i knew had sex by age 22.


No, I'm not looking for a virgin guy at all. Actually, I wouldn't want my guy to be virgin. It'd be a turn off ..really.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As long as you're a real virgin and not a technical virgin. I read about how women are forgoing vaginal sex in a bid to call themselves virgins but then they engage in oral and anal sex.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't know what's the point of calling yourself a virgin if you've already had anal/oral sex.
To me that doesn't make sense.

I used to have a friend who claimed to be virgin but she had gone through oral and anal at the time. 

No sense at all.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Would you be in a relationship with a virgin girl/woman?


No, I wouldn`t.

It`s a big deal breaker for me.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I briefly dated someone after M and I broke up (and before we got together again, obviously) and it was such a weird experience. I am not a virgin, and when he told his friends and family he was dating they all asked if I was a virgin or not. That was seriously the first thing they all asked, apparently. WTF. Like somehow I was worth less because I had not waited. Second question was whether or not I was a Christian (no). I guess I failed the test?

He was 26 and wanted to wait for marriage. I didn't necessarily want to have sex with him at the start of the relationship or anything, but he acted like it was crazy-talk for me to ask if he would have sex with someone if he thought she was the right person pre-marriage (you know, test for sexual compatibility since that IS a factor in marriages). 

There was no way I could be in a sexless relationship, possibly get married, and then find out that he was terrible and actually waited because he was LD or something. That wasn't why we broke up, but if I had been looking at him as a long-term partner (and not as a rebound) it would have had a lot of difficulties. 

I don't think it is a good idea to have sex with just anyone (especially for someone's first time) but at the same time if you are in a committed relationship and you think it will last, it doesn't make sense to me to not test for sexual compatibility given how many people are miserable in their marriages on that front.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

virginity isn't a thing. its an idea, an idea that you are chaste and pristine.

in practical terms, it means that you wont discover that you might be sexually incompatible with someone until its too late.

Its like not ever driving a car 'because you want the 1st time to be special' 
Driving a car is just driving a car. you have to learn how it operates, practise, practise, practise until you are good at it, then then you get on the road with lots of other drivers, whose skills may vary greatly.

virginity is nothing special or something to be saved. its an antiquated notion.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> You're totally right! That's the point I was trying to make.
> Someone who will be by my side should do it whether I'm virgin or not. _My virginity should not make any difference to him _as long as he loves me for who I am.
> Even if I weren't a virgin, I'd like him to love me just the same.
> 
> It's just that some guys think this is odd and they wouldn't date a virgin girl. I wonder why would this matter to them!


The reason some men run from virgins is because it's a social signal, and quite a negative one (depending on age, of course). Women are highly pursued for sex -- understandable considering humans love sex more than just about any other creature on earth -- so the more beautiful you are and the older you get without having a sexual relationship leads people to wonder why. As in, are there serious psychological red flags explaining why this person is a virgin. 

So no, it's not really a permanent deal-breaker, even as men get older, but it'll raise red flags. If you like yourself and your comfortable with your actions and someone, after getting to know you for a while, finds out you're a virgin, it probably won't change much of anything. Now, if he isn't surprised, then you might want to re-evaluate...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Relationship Coach said:


> If you like yourself and your comfortable with your actions and someone, after getting to know you for a while, finds out you're a virgin, it probably won't change much of anything. Now, if he isn't surprised, then you might want to re-evaluate...


That's what I try to do.
When I date someone I don't tell them I'm virgin. I don't want to be judged by this fact. 
I tell them about this only when there are chances to get in a relationship with them so that I can be totally honest before entering the relationship.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Goldmember357 said:


> Agreed
> 
> *Sex does NOT BOND YOU*
> 
> ...


For me it’s the most bonding experience ever. So much so I simply can’t see how people can actually get your perspective on it. I would say it comes from never being deeply in love?


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## MrsNoName (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm a woman - but I say NO. I think it's great. I wish I had done it that way. My only word of advice is - are you going to be hurt if your future husband is not a virgin (assuming he's not)? I wish my husband and I both were, and I'm hurt that we both didn't wait.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Relationship Coach said:


> The reason some men run from virgins is because it's a social signal, and quite a negative one (depending on age, of course#. Women are highly pursued for sex -- understandable considering humans love sex more than just about any other creature on earth -- so the more beautiful you are and the older you get without having a sexual relationship leads people to wonder why. As in, are there serious psychological red flags explaining why this person is a virgin.


 I just want to say... I think that is really a shame, just cause everyone is doing it, doing it early, doing it proudy, notches on the belt as one poster termed it, doing it casually.... doesn't mean those who choose to wait are psychologically impaired somehow. 

I bothers me when I read stuff like this....but how can I disagree with it.... there certainly *IS* a stigma that society has placed on those who look upon sex as something sacred, worthy to be waited upon for that very very special someone who steals their heart & soul...when 2 feel the same emotional rapture of romantic bliss..... keeping oneself from falling into the easy temptation of LUST for a moment....or putting on the brakes if there is any questioning of the relationship, it's honorability. 

My oldest son is another one.... He is not a shy nerdy no confidence psycho geek who sits in the back of his college classes watching the world go past him....He is outgoing, engaging, very respected, a Cross country runner, a little 6 pack going on, a guitarist, his roommates tell me how the girls are always hanging around....but yet... he is waiting....he is not a "settler"....... His future bride means so much to him, he wants to be able to say to her on their wedding night ........"*I loved you so much I waited for YOU and only YOU*"... he has told me this....

I know he hopes to find a woman who looks upon these things as highly as himself. A rare find indeed in this world today. Is he a fool? Many think so!! Does he care... not at all. 


And Miss LovelyGirl... she is beautiful ! She is talented ! ... we shared a few links with each other in pms .....I was a bit blown away in fact (don't yell at me for saying these things Lovely girl !! ).... one thing is for absolute certainty......this girl has plenty of opportunity.... But yet.....she is waiting for the love of her life....for the one who makes her heart Jump and treats her like a Treasure. 

These things are very Romantic I suppose....I believe in Romance.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to say... I think that is really a shame, just cause everyone is doing it, doing it early, doing it proudy, notches on the belt as one poster termed it, doing it casually.... doesn't mean those who choose to wait are psychologically impaired somehow.
> 
> I bothers me when I read stuff like this....but how can I disagree with it.... there certainly *IS* a stigma that society has placed on those who look upon sex as something sacred, worthy to be waited upon for that very very special someone who steals their heart & soul...when 2 feel the same emotional rapture of romantic bliss..... keeping oneself from falling into the easy temptation of LUST for a moment....or putting on the brakes if there is any questioning of the relationship, it's honorability.
> 
> ...


Why do you think it bothers you so much?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Relationship Coach said:


> Why do you think it bothers you so much?


It bothers me because I know the kids in school who feel this way get cut on, belittled. I know alot of teens who believe in waiting until they are married. Do I feel that is necessary...NO ...I am not even a Christian anymore.. but my views are not as loose as the majority ...by any means. 

Sometimes I feel I live in PollyannaVille or something, I've heard posters here say they have never met someone like that in thier lives. I know PLENTY. 

I hear their stories around the bonfire, how cruel kids are in school today.. Some of the parents take them out of public school.... I won't do that..... I refuse to shelter my children, I feel that harms them more so....But I do greatly encourage them to be thier own person, stand up for what they believe in, not follow the crowd to be accepted. To be an example to others....be honest, be real. 

I have 6 kids.....I want good for their futures, I want them to marry well... to treat others right in their teen/College years with integrity......it is an important issue to me. We have a friend who drives bus for College students, Oh the stories he tells when he comes to visit...very sad accually....Bus loads, drunk, near having sex on the bus....one of them asked him if he would sleep with her! Is this the [email protected]#$%^ He is another parent who wants better for his children. 

If you want to understand MY particular views, what I teach my children, I poured my heart & soul into this thread >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...-sex-relation-love-her-emotions-her-life.html 

We all feel strongly on certain things. I don't want to see my daughter used for sex & tossed aside... nor my boys treating women carelessly. 

My 15 yr old, not this particular subject, told my husband not too many days ago....he wants to start working out .....Why...his words...." I want to stand up for what is right & don't want to get the crap beat out of me for doing it". Kids are putting other kids down for not drinking for goodness sakes...he is in 9th grade!! Should this [email protected]#$%^

He stood up for the neighbor girl when someone was saying "What is wrong with her, she is such a goody goody" (cause she doesn't drink) - he said back..."What's wrong with you , are you retarted!". 

Yep...he might get beat up !

How do YOU feel about the climate of sexuality today with our youth, does these things NOT matter... 

May I ask...Relationship Coach- what do you teach your childen??


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just want to say... I think that is really a shame, just cause everyone is doing it, doing it early, doing it proudy, notches on the belt as one poster termed it, doing it casually.... doesn't mean those who choose to wait are psychologically impaired somehow.


I agree with you when you say some people do it just for trend.
I have so much pressure from my friends to give it to whoever comes my way and I think that's very frustrating.
It's my own body and I decide what to do with it. Nobody can tell me when and how to give my V away.
I don't judge those who do it but I want them to mind their own business and not tell me I should go for ONS. 
The pressure from society over here is annoying and mot people just like to follow trends. 




> And Miss LovelyGirl... she is beautiful ! She is talented ! ... we shared a few links with each other in pms .....I was a bit blown away in fact (don't yell at me for saying these things Lovely girl !! ).... one thing is for absolute certainty......this girl has plenty of opportunity.... But yet.....she is waiting for the love of her life....for the one who makes her heart Jump and treats her like a Treasure.


Thank you for your kind words, SA!! *blushes*


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It bothers me because I know the kids in school who feel this way get cut on, belittled. I know alot of teens who believe in waiting until they are married. Do I feel that is necessary...NO ...I am not even a Christian anymore.. but my views are not as loose as the majority ...by any means.
> 
> Sometimes I feel I live in PollyannaVille or something, I've heard posters here say they have never met someone like that in thier lives. I know PLENTY.
> 
> ...


OK. But every kid gets belittled for something. I assume this doesn't bother you. (?) If it does, what I'm asking you is why do you think all these things thousands/millions of strangers are doing affect you so much? Is it a fear they will negatively impact your life, for instance? 

I'm also unclear on your last story -- are you incredulous he is going to be beat up or are you commending his chivalry?



> How do YOU feel about the climate of sexuality today with our youth, does these things NOT matter...
> 
> May I ask...Relationship Coach- what do you teach your childen??



Why do you assume I have children?  (I do not.)

My general take is young people are taught very poor things by large children who pass their own issues down to them. But what you describe is _exactly_ what was happening when I was a teenager. Every older generation laments the same things really...whether they grow slightly more liberal in time I don't know, nor do I think it matters.

Cheers.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I agree with you when you say some people do it just for trend.
> I have so much pressure from my friends to give it to whoever comes my way and I think that's very frustrating.
> It's my own body and I decide what to do with it. Nobody can tell me when and how to give my V away.
> I don't judge those who do it but I want them to mind their own business and not tell me I should go for ONS.
> ...



The thing about pressure is it only exists in your head. Ultimately, you are the one instilling pressure on yourself. 

Do you like to eat dirt? Probably not. What if a bunch of people around you started asking you why on earth you didn't dirt? Would you 

(a) Feel a lot of pressure to start eating dirt
(b) Be comfortable with your own desires and think "I wonder why they like dirt, I don't" and keep on living your day

?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Relationship Coach said:


> The thing about pressure is it only exists in your head. Ultimately, you are the one instilling pressure on yourself.
> 
> Do you like to eat dirt? Probably not. What if a bunch of people around you started asking you why on earth you didn't dirt? Would you
> 
> ...


They literally keep on pressuring me. It's not in my head. 
And I choose option B - I've always been comfortable this way and I don't care what they have to say.
If I had chosen A, I would have lost my V long ago.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm 24, still virgin.
> It has nothing to do with religion [I'm not a religious type btw].
> I'm just waiting for the right moment/guy. For someone I truly care about.
> I've had many chances to lose my virginity. Lately I was offered to be in a "friends with benefits" casual relationship with a guy friend of mine.
> ...


I find sexual promiscuity a major turn off in anyone that I would be in a relationship with.

I guess my idea is, I want my wife to act like a prude. Until we get married, and then I want her to act like a raging sl*t in our bedroom (with just me!).

So I am saying, it depends. If you're a virgin because you are saving it for something special and you have morals and integrity, it's definitely not a deal breaker. If you're a virgin because you dont really care about sex (or that it's gross). Or if you think you're not going to be interested in sex a lot when you're married, then it would be a deal breaker.

Also, the kind of guy that would make it a deal breaker, is probably not the kind of guy you want to be with.I think the most important thing about making love, is not how experienced you are. It's how willing you are to please your partner, and give yourself to eachother without restraint. If you have the right attitude, you will always please your man.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Your respectfully disagree here.
> 
> I am not proud of my past. Did the whole sow your wild oats thing when I was not mature.
> 
> ...


The importance of your first time doing anything in life is only as important as you want it to be. If you want to make eating a white truffle sacred, then do it. Instead of experiencing eating white truffles over and over, just wait until you feel ready to have the experience that you've been building to. It's whatever you want to make of it. 

Really, this goes for everything in your life. "You never forget your first" is a statement of memory capacity. The _meaning_ of doing anything for the first time is, quite literally, whatever you want it to mean to you. 

Most of my absolute favorite things in life I can't remember doing for the first time, some I can. Does that make them different experiences or change who I am as a person? I don't see how it does...


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> They literally keep on pressuring me. It's not in my head.
> And I choose option B - I've always been comfortable this way and I don't care what they have to say.
> If I had chosen A, I would have lost my V long ago.


You mean they are physically pressuring you? You need to get away from them and/or go to the police immediately if that's the case. 

Otherwise, I'm not doing a good job communicating this concept. Any "pressure" you feel is your own doing -- it's coming from some place in you. You wouldn't feel pressure to eat dirt if they kept asking you, would you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Relationship Coach said:


> OK. But every kid gets belittled for something. I assume this doesn't bother you. (?) If it does, what I'm asking you is why do you think all these things thousands/millions of strangers are doing affect you so much? Is it a fear they will negatively impact your life, for instance?
> 
> I'm also unclear on your last story -- are you incredulous he is going to be beat up or are you commending his chivalry?



If I am coming off as too "worked up"....I'm going to blame it on pms... Nothing wrong with me laying out my opionion - all the more if it goes against the common grain. I try to do it as nicely as I possibly can...with some explaining of where I am coming from. I enjoy the countering- challenge me, I welcome it.

I've changed my positions in the past on a variety of issues.... We should grow wiser as we age... 

I will admit ...I carry something from my youth....to this discussion... Even though it wasn't MY personal experience...

I watched my Mother get used by a handful of young men, they were doing a job on the house...when it came time to pay, they wanted something else.. well she really liked one of them... so she slept with him.... soon he had his friends coming over. I watched her self esteem plunge to the depths over these things ... she had a nervous breakdown soon after, she aligned herself with men who viewed the act as important as eating one of those truffle cakes.... 

Did she blame those men....NO...she knew she had a choice... but yet...it affected her, she felt worthless...maybe that makes her just a WEAK emotional woman who needed to get a grip, I don't know... 

What I took from that was.... I vowed at a young age....this was not a path I was going to walk. I expected ALOT from a man. I want the same for my daughter.... I think it is healthy, I think it wise. Do I really care what others do...No I don't ....but I care about my children. 

No, I doubt my son will really get beat up...unless he pushes his mouth a little far (after all I am his mother!) .... he is well liked by many , he hangs with the brains, plus he is a jock, this has a little respect generally. But the fact he said something like that......well.. it just shows the climate of teens in school these days. Yes, I suppose some things never change. 




> Why do you assume I have children?  (I do not.)


 I can't say I assumed anything, was just a question. 



> My general take is young people are taught very poor things by large children who pass their own issues down to them. But what you describe is _exactly_ what was happening when I was a teenager. Every older generation laments the same things really...whether they grow slightly more liberal in time I don't know, *nor do I think it **matters*.


 I take it these Large children are their parents. Couldn't argue that one!

But I disagree with your last few words... I feel it does matter. How we raise our kids is vital for future generations....and society in general.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Relationship Coach said:


> You mean they are physically pressuring you? You need to get away from them and/or go to the police immediately if that's the case.


One of my guy friends has physically pressured me a few months ago. We were sharing the same hotel room and we've been friends for more than 7 years. I thought I could trust him and let him sleep in my room but then I realized it was a mistake. 

And I've also had psychological pressure from my girl-friends. Every once in a while they try to make me feel bad about my virginity. 
*
But I won't go out of my way just to please any of them. *
Like I said, I will not eat dirt just because they asked me to.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> One of my guy friends has physically pressured me a few months ago. We were sharing the same hotel room and we've been friends for more than 7 years. I thought I could trust him and let him sleep in my room but then I realized it was a mistake.
> 
> And I've also had psychological pressure from my girl-friends. Every once in a while they try to make me feel bad about my virginity.
> *
> ...


OK and this is the point -- the psychological pressure can't come from anyone else. Right now, it feels like it does. You're feeling like "oh man, all these people keep pressuring me." 

What your friends are doing to is saying words to you. That you CARE about it (ie feel pressure) is your own reaction to that. Would you care if they keep asking you about eating dirt?

Look at it from the outside - I will give you a personal example: I've never been much of a drinker. When I was younger, many many people would try and get to me drink, or ask me about it. Now, if I never *wanted* to drink, why would I feel some sort of pressure from them to do something I have absolutely no desire to do?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> One of my guy friends has physically pressured me a few months ago. We were sharing the same hotel room and we've been friends for more than 7 years. I thought I could trust him and let him sleep in my room but then I realized it was a mistake.
> 
> And I've also had psychological pressure from my girl-friends. Every once in a while they try to make me feel bad about my virginity.
> *
> ...


Your friends are probably feeling guilty about being promiscuous, so they want you to join them so they can feel better about themselves. Like a pack of chubby girls who encourage the healthy one to eat pie.

Virginity is an awesome gift to give to someone (be they spouse or SO). Don't throw it away on peer pressure. Find the right guy, someone worth waiting for. If he pressures you, he's not the right guy. Someone who cares about you won't let you throw away your integrity over a few minutes of fun time.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Relationship Coach said:


> OK and this is the point -- the psychological pressure can't come from anyone else. Right now, it feels like it does. You're feeling like "oh man, all these people keep pressuring me."
> 
> What your friends are doing to is saying words to you. That you CARE about it (ie feel pressure) is your own reaction to that. Would you care if they keep asking you about eating dirt?
> 
> Look at it from the outside - I will give you a personal example: I've never been much of a drinker. When I was younger, many many people would try and get to me drink, or ask me about it. Now, if I never *wanted* to drink, why would I feel some sort of pressure from them to do something I have absolutely no desire to do?


I see your point. But what if you were an alcoholic and your friends were pressuring you to drink?

I don't think her problem is that she doesn't WANT to physically have sex. She's trying to do something that goes against her instincts, so it is difficult. Having friends encouraging her to do the behavior she is trying to avoid isn't helping.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Relationship Coach said:


> OK and this is the point -- the psychological pressure can't come from anyone else. Right now, it feels like it does. You're feeling like "oh man, all these people keep pressuring me."
> 
> What your friends are doing to is saying words to you. That you CARE about it (ie feel pressure) is your own reaction to that. Would you care if they keep asking you about eating dirt?
> 
> Look at it from the outside - I will give you a personal example: I've never been much of a drinker. When I was younger, many many people would try and get to me drink, or ask me about it. Now, if I never *wanted* to drink, why would I feel some sort of pressure from them to do something I have absolutely no desire to do?


Yeah I understand your point. So I should not care about it because once I start caring about what they say then if feels like pressure. 

But like COguy said, It's not that I don't want to have sex. I want to, but I don't feel there was not a right time to have it. 
I was tempted to do it and I had many chances to. I just went against my instincts because I don't think sex is something to be done with whoever comes my way. 
So as long as someone is not willing to wait for me then they are not for me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

COguy said:


> Your friends are probably feeling guilty about being promiscuous, so they want you to join them so they can feel better about themselves. Like a pack of chubby girls who encourage the healthy one to eat pie.
> 
> Virginity is an awesome gift to give to someone (be they spouse or SO). *Don't throw it away on peer pressure*. Find the right guy, someone worth waiting for. If he pressures you, he's not the right guy. Someone who cares about you won't let you throw away your integrity over a few minutes of fun time.


Totally agreed. That's what I was trying to say. 
I don't want to do it out of peer pressure and then feel like trash after it's over.


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## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm 24, still virgin.
> It has nothing to do with religion [I'm not a religious type btw].
> I'm just waiting for the right moment/guy. For someone I truly care about.
> I've had many chances to lose my virginity. Lately I was offered to be in a "friends with benefits" casual relationship with a guy friend of mine.
> ...


I just wanted to say that I respect you. I don't know you personally, but I respect you. You are a giant among mere mortals!!


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If I am coming off as too "worked up"..I'm going to blame it on pms... Nothing wrong with me laying out my opionion - all the more if it goes against the common grain. I try to do it as nicely as I possibly can...with some explaining of where I am coming from. I enjoy the countering- challenge me, I welcome it.
> 
> I've changed my positions in the past on a variety of issues.... We should grow wiser as we age...
> 
> ...


Haha there is nothing wrong with you being worked up, nor was I really hinting at that. I was just curious about why this stuff bothered you, and assumed you didn't want it to bother you as much. That might be a poor assumption - some people like being worked up by stuff. That's OK. 

Please don't misunderstand my last few words there. I don't think it matters *whether the next generation was more liberal or if it just feels that way*, since everyone seems to keep saying this (in my day, we waited until we were x age to do y! Kids these days!). I think there are far more important things to worry about with young people (and all people) then their sexual promiscuity. 

Here's the thing with your mother's story (which is a part or your personal experience, btw, don't undersell that to yourself)...the sexual acts did not cause her self-esteem to drop. She already had low self-esteem. The sexual acts were a reflection of that. The direction of causality there is important because it's also why I don't worry about young people's sexuality -- if they have their act together, it will be reflected in their (sexual) behavior. 

As for your son - ask yourself (and him) what he wants to get out of that situation with the neighbor. Young people often think different equates to wrong simply because they are insecure. They are afraid of not being part of the crowd. They are fear driven, and they don't understand things. 

This is the recipe for destructive relationships. 

Just because they are young doesn't mean it's a different recipe. When someone says, "what is wrong with you, why are you different?" they are trying to bring us down. THEY are the ones with the problem. The second their observation upsets us, we have LET them bring us down into their suffering. We've told ourself "self, I have a big problem with the way you are acting!" It's not exactly self-love. It's often just called insecurity. 

If your son's goal is to fight someone, he can ask them if they are retarded (or worse). Probably won't happen based on your description. If his goal is to make them angry or more defensive, insults will continue to do the trick. But maybe his goal is to help them. Maybe it's to make them more pleasant. They are, after all, the ones who aren't happy. If that's the case, putting them on the defensive isn't going to accomplish his goal.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah I understand your point. So I should not care about it because once I start caring about what they say then if feels like pressure.
> 
> But like COguy said, It's not that I don't want to have sex. I want to, but I don't feel there was not a right time to have it.
> I was tempted to do it and I had many chances to. I just went against my instincts because I don't think sex is something to be done with whoever comes my way.
> So as long as someone is not willing to wait for me then they are not for me.


Yes, exactly. And going even further, maybe you DO care that you haven't had sex. As you said, you want to. But you haven't. That might be what's really bothering you when they bring it up. 

It might not even be an issue of virginity, but just choices. Do you regret not sleeping with any of the men you've had the chance to sleep with? 

If the answer is no, then are you kind of unhappy that you haven't met one you'd like to sleep with?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Relationship Coach said:


> It might not even be an issue of virginity, but just choices. Do you regret not sleeping with any of the men you've had the chance to sleep with?


*No.*
I don't regret because I can guess how I'd feel the next morning.
Having sex with my guy friend of 7 years and waking up the next morning and pretend like nothing happened would be a HORRIBLE FEELING. So I'm glad I didn't take things further. 



> are you kind of unhappy that you haven't met one you'd like to sleep with?


*Yes.*
I'm unhappy I haven't met someone I'd like to sleep with. 
I want to have sex/make love but only with someone who I care about and cares about me.
And he who makes me feel bad about my V is definitely NOT the right one.


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## Relationship Coach (Apr 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> *Yes.*
> I'm unhappy I haven't met someone I'd like to sleep with.
> I want to have sex/make love but only with someone who I care about and cares about me.
> And he who makes me feel bad about my V is definitely NOT the right one.


So that's why you feel it when people bring it up. You're pressuring yourself because you want something you don't have and it bothers you. 

Guess what?

That's OK! Be OK with having this upset you. But don't lose perspective on what exactly is upsetting you. It really has nothing to do with virginity or even choices or anything anyone else says to you. You are comfortable with all that. It sounds like a frustration of not getting something you want. 

The only way you'll ever be OK with that emotionally is if you accept that. It simply hasn't happened yet. Until you're really OK with that, you'll probably feel the pressure.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Relationship Coach said:


> Here's the thing with your mother's story (which is a part or your personal experience, btw, don't undersell that to yourself)...the sexual acts did not cause her self-esteem to drop. She already had low self-esteem. The sexual acts were a reflection of that. The direction of causality there is important because it's also why I don't worry about young people's sexuality -- if they have their act together, it will be reflected in their (sexual) behavior.


 Ha ha my husband just asked me if I want a beer, I am kinda grouchy today, he knows I don't drink...and yes, I am one of those who like to get worked up sometimes- just for the fun of it. I like to take an issue & beat it to death. 

Yes, her self esteem was already dragging... recently divorced, new stressful job, raising me alone, tight on money, new neighborhood....alot on her plate. Plus I was a BRAT, I remember how mouthy I was to her. That all ended when I went to live with my dad -some firm discipline entered my life quickly...for my good!



> ask yourself (and him) what he wants to get out of that situation with the neighbor. Young people often think different equates to wrong simply because they are insecure. They are afraid of not being part of the crowd. They are fear driven, and they don't understand things.


 I do believe he would look upon this in a similar light, I have had many conversations about kids putting other kids down-how it is a reflection on them. His words was not helpful in response though. I think he just wanted to say "something" as to not go along. 



> Just because they are young doesn't mean it's a different recipe. When someone says, "what is wrong with you, why are you different?" they are trying to bring us down. THEY are the ones with the problem. The second their observation upsets us, we have LET them bring us down into their suffering. We've told ourself "self, I have a big problem with the way you are acting!" It's not exactly self-love. It's often just called insecurity.
> 
> 
> If your son's goal is to fight someone, he can ask them if they are retarded (or worse). Probably won't happen based on your description. If his goal is to make them angry or more defensive, insults will continue to do the trick. But maybe his goal is to help them. Maybe it's to make them more pleasant. They are, after all, the ones who aren't happy. If that's the case, putting them on the defensive isn't going to accomplish his goal.


I agree with all you say here. Again his choice of words in opening his mouth - could have been better. 

This son of mine...he is a healthy minded kid with good self esteem........ I had a teacher call me after school hours personally just to tell me what a positive attitude he has in her class- back in Nov.... how he stands out , told me she rarely makes calls like that. I guess it is one of the worst classes she ever had, difficult unruly 9th graders..... wanted to tell me he is never influenced by the others around him, she told me me & my husband should be very proud, she considered him a "great person". 

Now I have had 2 other calls from Teachers...my preschooler swearing in class, and once about my 7 yr old threatening a girl in the lunch line, so that was a Sweet phone call!



> *Relationship Coach said*:
> 
> The only way you'll ever be OK with that emotionally is if you accept that. *It simply hasn't happened yet*. Until you're really OK with that, you'll probably feel the pressure.


 I can tell you LovelyGirl what my oldest son's attitude is... it doesn't seem to bother him....at least not yet -he is too busy studying for College and the activities he has going around the clock....he has it set in his head, so long as he is doing what God wants of him (his words).....living his life & is open to meeting new people/women...she will show up. He is not jealous of his 2 younger brothers having GF's either. He said if he doesn't meet his woman by the time they hit 18, that could be a problem. He is taking a job at a Music Camp this summer-- hoping to meet some female singer he envisions in his dreams. Wouldn't that be cool if he meets one! Ha ha


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with a lot of what's been posted here recently.

I will say this, I know many people who were hurt because they did have sex with the wrong person.

I don't know anyone who was hurt because they didn't have sex (before it was time with the right person).


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