# I may be at the crossroads



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Been a while since I've been here. Not much has changed either. I'll reiterate my story. H and I have been together 20years and married for 14years. Have two teenagers and a pretty comfy life. The last 10 years have been essentially sexless for a number of reasons that I'll get into in a bit. 

After the birth of our first child, I had to have major back surgery that resulted in years of severe chronic pain and massive doses of morphine. I decided a little over a year ago to stop taking the morphine as I found some other medication that works better. Fast forward to last year when I first brought up our lack of intimacy/sex. It was like I woke up from a fog and realized 10 years of my life had gone by. I asked him why he would give up his sex life. He said he wasn't an ******* and wouldn't have made those demands on me given the circumstances. But he said other things as well like we both gained weight and wasn't sexy, he didn't feel very attractive, I was on a lot of medication. Then I think the truth finally came out that he was afraid I would get pregnant again. So for that intervening 10 years that I would try to have sex and being told no more than not was his best answer to sex instead of either one us getting fixed. I had my tubes tied a year ago, thinking this is supposed to make things better because now there is no worry of pregnancy. 

His job takes him away for two weeks at a time. This is important. I'm ok with that as it provides a lifestyle we couldn't otherwise have. As I have come off the morphine and started being more clearheaded, I've started to participate in life again. I play guitar and sing...I've started attending a weekly jam session, I've become a board member of a local music festival. These things have taken me out of the house maybe 5-10 hours a month. I was trying to be considerate and schedule these functions for when he was working so that it wouldn't take time away from us when he was home. He called me one day after I had had an exceptionally busy week with my interests. I had gone for lunch with two other board members after the night before having gone out to a fundraising event. He very calmly yet accusatorily asked me what I was doing. This caught me completely off guard because I had told him exactly where I was going with who and when and why.

All of a sudden he asks me when the last time was that we slept together. I couldn't honestly remember. I knew what he was asking about but I played stupid and said that I didn't want to disturb him when he slept because of my pain. So he tells me that he's put two and two together and if I ain't getting it from him...I must be getting it from somewhere else. Un-****ing-believeable! We haven't had sex in 6 weeks because I'm tired of being turned down...so as soon as I start having a bit of a life I'm screwing around? I thought this is a turning point. And i felt pretty good until he got home a few days later.

He went to bed at his usual 9 pm. I followed about 10 min later. I thought I would try just once more to see what would happen. I took all my clothes off and climbed into bed and threw my arm and leg around him...I was ready to go...And he said....I knew this was going to happen! I felt so crushed! I didn't bother to say anything! I just went back out to the living room and cried. Two days later,he was up for it. I think it's probably the first time in a long time that we kissed during sex. As usual, he always makes sure I get off and again he couldn't get over whatever is going on in his head to not allow him to get off. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and all he said was no he was out of shape. I would have done anything he wanted like an idiot.

So for the last two nights, I've gone to bed shortly after him and I lay there until he goes to sleep. Then I get up and watch tv. He had the nerve to comment that I didn't stay very long.

Over the last two years, I managed to lose and keep off 25lbs. That is huge for me as I have to work twice as hard to effect half the change. I'm almost off a massive dose of morphine, and I swim 3-5 days a week. I have asked my h to come with me both swimming and to my social functions. He doesn't like public pools, he doesn't like the music I like...I just seem to be doing all these things and have in common with other people and he's not involved....I feel baited and switched to some degree... he complains about being overweight but won't do anything about it.

I turn 50 in a couple of months but I feel like 100. I am so confused about what to do or how to do it. Conversations usually end up in arguments. I feel old and unattractive. I don't know if I want to do this anymore. You would think that after being apart for two weeks that we'd be doing it on the stairs before he could get through the door. Nothing. No grabbing my ass, no suggestive emails, no invitations to bed. If I get to bed and he happens to want to relieve me then ok. I don't remember the last time he went down on me. It has been more than 5 years ...hell...it could be 10 for all I know! He told me no the last time I wanted to give him a blow job. 

I feel my heart aching. He stuck with me when most men would have left, and he says it's because he loves me. He puts no effort into sex...the man has never bought me lingerie, asked me to do anything sexually...when we do have sex it's me changing it up so we're not in one position. I don't remember the last time he had an orgasm with or from me. He's not gay and he's not fooling around. We do everything together when he's home and he works in an isolated setting. I'm tired of aching for intimacy. I don't even have to get laid...but it would be nice to be touched once in a while.

I really feel like I have to make some important decisions, that I just don't want to make. Sorry if the story is scattered.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Has he had a physical lately? Maybe he has a low T count, or maybe he is depressed. I think if he would loose weight he would feel better and have more energy. My husband has a low T count and most nights just wants to cuddle. He goes to bed early and most nights I go with him. We don't have sex often but I don't take it personally and keep passion in our marriage in other ways. It sounds like you have a good marriage otherwise.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I actually believe that I have a good marriage otherwise. It's too bad it is so lacking in this important area. Won't go to a doctor, won't come with me to the gym, thinks because we have sex when the moon is blue there is nothing wrong with his hormones. I don't even care that he goes to bed early...there's nothing stopping us from having fun after the kids go to school. I just wish I knew how to talk to,him about this so he understand how important it is. I literally have panic attacks thinking about how embarrassing it would be to tell him what's up and get no response.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

So sorry for you tango. This is not right or normal for a man.
Somehow he needs to realize he's got to step it up. 

Unfortunately, the only way I can see him 'getting it' is too really talk to him at the right moment. Really sit him down when the timing is best and talk with him about your need for intimacy. Notice I say need for intimacy, not necessarily sex. 

It sounds like he may have some form of sexual disfunction (not being able to 'get off'). So the thought of sex might be intimidating to him. Intimacy should not be. It's a husbands' duty.

That's just a fact.


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## outdoorsjake (Jul 18, 2012)

Tango,
I worked in outpatient mental health for over three years as a nurse. My first question: have either of you been to see a therapist individually or for together for couples counseling? I also second what Happliymarried25 suggests about him going to the doctor to rule out any chemical imbalances. You might get through this without the doctor and therapists but I think it will be really messy and difficult that it has to be. My next suggestion might sound real ****ty and many people might disagree with me. In fact most people would say that this is damaging for a relationship but I would lay out your expectations and basically let him know that it is not working out and that you are "at a crossroads" and explain what that means. To me it sounds like you are considering divorce. If you haven't shared that feeling with him then the result may blindside both of you in ways you may not be predicting. Note: I am not a therapist nor will I ever be. I just joined this site and looked for a post that most clearly resembled my situation. Where are you at with this today? I have yet to share my current situation but hope to this week.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Hello jake 

I don't know that I could divorce him. I say that because we have been through hell and back and this is about the only thing we are not in synch about. I would be overcome with guilt I think. We do not ever fight about money never have, we agree on how the children are raised, it sucks so much because I don't know how to talk to him about this. I have tried to be patient, I have tried to be playful, I've tried being direct. I just don't know if I want to handle being turned down again. I want to suggest a night of fun, but I'm actually terrified that he'll say nothing or no. 

No counselling on either part but, I did consider it a while ago. I don't think he even sees a problem. How does anyone square in their mind that if I'm not sleeping with them I must be sleeping with someone else when they've spent the past 10 years pushing me away repeatedly? I feel like such an idiot. He won't go to a doctor, he won't come to the gym with me and when we do have sex it has to be in the dark...in the bedroom, at night.

I don't want to give him an ultimatum either because I wouldn't want that done to me. I really think I'm going to snap/breakdown one of these days and ten years worth of s#it is going to come pouring out.


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## outdoorsjake (Jul 18, 2012)

Tango,

My point exactly about the snapping. Did either of you grow up in dysfunctional or alcoholic households? I would definitely go to counseling if I were you. I have been going by myself for the last few months now and while I don't see where it is going I have a small glimmer of hope. Part of me however wants to be able to say that I have gone to counseling repeatedly when I snap as well. It is sort of the big dilemma: How do you really get a message across when someone isn't listening? Maybe we can think of this with a metaphor like a marriage as a job. My boss is having frustrations about my lack of skills as a new employee. I now have a set of expectations on how I am going to reach those goals and they are helping me meet those expectations. However if I fail to meet those goals I suspect I may not have a job anymore. Obviously it isn't that simple and kids complicate the issue. Just curious if you didn't have kids would you still be together? It is interesting how my wife has used the slogan that divorce is not an option. I wonder how long she would cling to that especially if I never cheat on her? I am enjoying this conversation. Waiting for someone else to chime in anytime... Also just how often do you have sex? The answer means more to my personal situation which is about ten times a year.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I understand how you feel. My husband is affectionate in terms of hugging and kissing me but he avoided intimacy in the bedroom for years because he couldn't "finish the job" I told him just because we are in bed kissing and hugging doesn't mean I expect us to have intercourse. I know we won't. I think that has helped him be more intimate with me without the anxiety. He talks about his problems and is seeing a Dr next month looking into getting a shot to help him boost his testerone. 

I can understand you not wanting to leave him as I would never cheat on or leave my husband either because we have a great marriage otherwise. He is probably embarrassed to talk to a Dr about it. I know you feel rejected, I have felt that too at times. It's weird he thinks you might be sleeping with someone else but if he really wanted that not to happen he would sleep with you like you want to. Most people have affairs because of how that person makes you feel. 

While your kids are still in the house I can understand why you want to keep the family together, but once your kids have moved on and it's just you two, if nothing has changed I think you are going to get so frustrated that you might think about giving him an ultimation to see a Dr or you will move on. In my mind if he still doesn't see a Dr then he doesn't care about your feeling or keeping the marriage together.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Frequency is hit or miss. I can go to bed and be laying there naked and he'll go to sleep. So if he's gone for two weeks a month there's no sex during that time, then he comes home and it may or may not happen then he's gone for two weeks again....see how it goes...I could be waiting for weeks and weeks. On average I would say once very 6 weeks. For example, he's been home 10 days and we had sex once and he leaves this coming week for two weeks.

I don't honestly know how to answer whether or not I would still be here if there weren't kids...I spent a lot of years living in a prescription drug induced haze. I think that is part of what is going on with me. I didn't have much of a sex drive at the peak of morphine prescription, however, I still made an effort to be intimate, until I couldn't stand being told no anymore. I would estimate that for several years we maybe had sex 4-5 times. Now coming off,the morphine my drive seems to have shifted into overdrive. I feel like a horny teenager again. Plus, I got the hormone thing sorted out so I'm not sitting here waiting for the next hot flash. 

I know I have to talk to him...I just need to figure how that discussion will get started. I don't have the hutspah to look him in the eye and tell him that I'm not happy with the frequency or the quality of our love life. And having that conversation so neither one of us feels blamed or embarrassed...that's going to be challenging.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I would talk to him about it if I were you. What do you have to loose? He could have a low T count which would explain his low desire to even be intimate with you. You won't know until he goes to the Dr. He could also just have a low sex drive not related to anything medical. There a lot of posts here from spouses complaining about their spouses low sex drive. The great majority of those are husbands complaining about their wives. Men with a low sex drive isn't that common.

You said he goes away for a couple of weeks at a time. How do you feel when he is gone? Do you miss him or is there a sense of relief that
he isn't in bed with you at night and once again he doesn't want to be intimate with you?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Oh no...I miss him when he's not here...we talk everyday on the phone. He's a couple of hours from home he's just stuck in camp,for that time period. If it's been a stressful 2 weeks that he's been home, then I feel relieved for a day or two but then I miss his company again.

I tried to get him to go,to a doc. He doesn't acknowledge that there is anything wrong! I want to bring it up gain I just don't want to argue anymore.

I'm so frustrated...I really feel like it's coming to a head. I don't think it's going to take much. I almost want to try for a night of fun once more and if I get no response or rejection....well that's probably all,it will take.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I can really understand your situation. I have posted from time to time about my husband's lack of passion/desire. I try to be understanding, and then anger/resentment builds. I have been berated by a few saying that I am the problem because I am making too much of an issue over it and that a marriage isn't about sex. The old saying when sex is good it is 20% of the marriage but when it is bad it is 80%. 

He has mentioned all week about having a playdate with me tonight. I didn't try anything all week so not to overwhelm him but flirted back when he flirted or played a little when he initiated it. Tonight came and we were alone in the house and he decided the remote was a better time and went to bed. I am now up at 2:45 am cleaning house. I am really at the same crossroads too. 

I am on vacation for the next couple weeks and thinking about taking off to my sister's house to visit for a few days (even though she only lives 45 minutes away).

He really is a good guy and good at being my buddy but I can't get rid of that ache of wanting to be desired or be touched. Taking care of my own needs doesn't get rid of that knot in your stomach. I am not interested in any kind of affair but I just badly want him to look at me as someone other than a cook or maid or mother or sister.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Tango, I think we are married to passive aggressive men who withhold sex for whatever reason. Whether it is psychological or physical, they are still refusing to get help to even make it possible to have this intimacy. They leave all the work and responsibility on the other to maintain a healthy relationship while enjoying the benefits of marriage.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I hear ya Onedge. I actually wrote a short letter last night. I may post it when I'm done. I wanted to make sure I had what I wanted to say on paper so I wouldn't forget anything. My h knows something is up. He goes back to work this week. I'm going to start going to the gym again,on top of swimming. I will weigh even less when he gets home in 2 weeks!

How long have you been dealing with your buddy? I know what you mean about taking matters into your own hands...just not quite the same as feeling the touch if another human being. What sort of excuses does he give you? Mine was worried about pregnancy for many years but chose no sex as a method of birth control. All the while turning me down and making me feel like a piece of crap. Do you have kids to worry about as well?


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

This is so ironic. I started a letter too. We have been married 17 years and I will say struggling with this off and on close to 15. We have an adult son and a 16 year old daughter,

1. Worried about money.
2. Anxiety for no known reason.
3. can't have an orgasm due to heavy meal, tired, etc.
4. not enough stamina to go more than 5 minutes because arms hurt, hip hurts, back hurts, leg cramp, etc
5. weight cause lack of bloodflow
6. need to digest dinner (as he continues to snack)
7. feeling bloated/constipated
8. I think I have low T
9. not enough time
10. have to get up early
11. tired
12. ringing in ears
13. I need to make an appointment with doc for viagra (still waiting after numerous years)
14. stomach problems
15 Bring up some of my past medical issues from years ago that hasn't been a problem in many years.

He started a diet on Monday but probably because I am doing all the cooking and food prep. Keeps saying he wants to start resistance training. I have a bowflex sitting in bedroom being used as a clothesline at the moment. He came home yesterday telling me that his coworker told him that he must be giving me lots of sex because of all the cooking I do for him. I did wait to roll my eyes until his back was turned.

Something I read tonight sort of opened my eyes about getting the benefits of marriage without the responsibility and no meeting his needs if he can't meet mine. I am not a needy person in most areas of our marriage so I can't say for certain but I think the bedroom is the one place where he can't fake meeting my needs/being a partner. I had never really felt he wasn't meeting my needs elsewhere in the marriage because I am pretty self reliant.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Welcome to the club onedge. I know my husband isn't purposely not being intimate with me. His is a physical situation. He gets up at 4 am for work so he is ready for bed at 9 pm combined with his low T count makes it more difficult. Last night when I heard him getting ready for bed I went up and he said he was too tired to cuddle and was going right to sleep so I kissed him goodnight and he went right to sleep while I read for a couple of hours. I was thinking gosh Saturday night and I'm in the mood and he is asleep. Tonight we have a date to get together and he is going to take the pill. Odds are it won't work because it hasn't in the past but that is ok because it's fun to try, it's one of the rare times we have our clothes off and kiss passionately. I'm not asking for a lot just some kissing and cuddling. 

It's interesting that weight has been mentioned. My husband and myself have both been overweight throughout the marriage (which probably has contributed to his ED). We have both been on weight a weight loss program, he has lost 60 pounds and I have lost 40 so far. Loosing weight has made me more comfortable in the bedroom and more longing to be with him. (to be blunt more horny) I have been initiating more in the last couple of month. I told him I'm tired of living as roomates, thankfully he agreed and he is trying more too.

I remind myself that no marriage is perfect and I try to think about the good qualities in my spouse that I love and try to think less of the qualities in him (like his LD) that I'd love to change.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Hey happily good for you!! I know I have been feeling more randy since I've lost weight as well. My h knows he's ow he just doesn't want to do anything about it. It would make such a difference for him but you know how that goes...you can lead them to water...

Onedge...boy you've heard them all eh? It took me 12 years to find out he was worried about pregnancy. We had lots of fun before we had kids...they are teenagers now...I really think writing a letter( whether or not you give it to him) is therapeutic. I only want to have this conversation once more and then I don't want to have to tell him we have a problem anymore, I want to see some action! I'll probably post my letter later today and some feedback might be nice.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I wrote the letter and it felt good. Cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and telling him there is plenty of food in the fridge as I walked out the door with tote bag of clothes caught his attention. He caught up to me and asked what was happening and I just told him I am 47 years old and can still find a life.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Did you leave him or just out for an afternoon?


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I was leaving for a few days and had my things in my truck. He came out to the driveway and asked what could he do to get me to stay and I told him to man up and take care of his problem because I am tired of being his mother. He came inside and left messages for his doctor for an appointment and researched sex psychologists. My things are in the car still and keys in my pocket and I told him if I even think for a minute he is giving me just lip service I am gone to sister's so I can decide if things are worth it.

I called him on his behavior and choices and told him that if he doesn't own up to his half of the relationship then the most he can expect from me is indifference to his needs. He asked me if I was replacing him and I told him it isn't what I want to do. He then told me good because he knows to many men willing to take his place.

I told him that his problem may be physical but a good chunk of it is psychological and that only he can figure out why he is sabotaging his own self and he isn't going to take my peace of mind with him.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I also told him I am going to the doctor with him. That if he has asked for help with T levels (last check a few months ago was 208 for a 55 year old man) and she ignores his symptoms again then we are firing her.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Good for you! And how do you feel? Has your H made plans to see a doc in the past and then not followed through? My h knows something is up. He informed last night that I could do whatever I wanted, after $hitting on me last week because I didn't consider anyone else in my activities. I'm toying with the idea of posing the questions from the post I'm not LD you are below. The poster mem came up with a great list of questions and I thought it might be a great way to approach my h before I give him the letter that explains I don't want to live like this anymore. I just have to convince myself that only good can come from communication....but then again it's such a vulnerable position to be in.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

That's great onedge. I was reading some of your past posts and it sounds like your husband and mine have similar symptoms with a low T count and Ed (your husband at times mine all the time) My husband is looking into getting a shot there. He has read about the side effects and if a bit concerned about that. I also think he has some doubts he can be fixed after all these years. 

Our date night didn't go exactly as planned. He told me to come up at 9 as he was going to take the pill at 8. When I got to the bedroom he was already in his sleeping position which surprised me. I asked him if he had taken the pill and he said. "No I'm not going to, it doesn't work and it leaves me frustrated" I said ok, no problem I understand do you want me to leave so you can sleep? He said no come into bed and so we can cuddle. So that's what we did. Not quite the passionate night I was hopping for but cuddling is better than nothing.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

He has gone to a doctor years ago about the symptoms and that doctor gave him shots for a couple months. He said it didn't do anything to change labido but at we also was in one of looooong dry spells. I think he had this expectation that he would get a couple shots and we were instantly going to start the heavy passionate sex life in spite of we hadn't done anything in almost a year. We have a choice of two different medical plans. We will go with which ever can get us in first and if that doesn't work go to the second. Since then he will go and have his T level tested but won't tell them about the other symptoms. We will start with medical first and then move to psychological. He already has a person to hopefully get us moving in that direction when it is time. My opinion is we are probably dealing with a lot more performance anxiety than he is willing to admit to himself.

In the meantime, I have been working on his weight issue. Yesterday, he told me he was worried about all the food I have been feeding him/sending to work and he can't lose weight on all that. I literally had to show him on a calorie/fat counter that he is eating what he should. Whole foods, balanced meals, healthy fats at 2,000 cals a day. 

I have read the posts about you are the one with LD. I did a similar questionnaire with DH a few months back and was pretty enlightening.

Yup, last night he went to bed same time as me to cuddle. We have a safeword to let me know that it is just cuddle and don't jump his bones. We need to talk about the proper use of a safeword because like the "you are the one with LD" wife, he has been using it as a tease.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Happilymarried25...I know it is the low T and he can get an erection but can't maintain it which in turn means very seldom orgasm. It is very frustrating for both. Too often, right when things are getting really heated ... gone. Most of the time, he will continue on but I know he isn't into it after that. I am sure it would be the same for me if that was too happen. I am hoping a little pill might help. He just called and it will take 2 weeks with the one doctor so he is going to try the second.

Okay, we have an appointment tomorrow with a male doctor and I will be going with him. We also have a referral to an urologist. I also want to talk to the doctor about parkinsons and a referral to a neurologist. He is showing some early signs which also includes lack of labido and ED among other things like balance, panic attacks, low energy. His dad has Parkinsons so he might have inherited it.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

So I'm really confused right now. I read in the "you know you're in a sexless marriage when"...post and saw a conversation between a W trying to get something going with her H. I really liked the opening line, so this morning as I was pulling out of the driveway to go drop the kids off at school and go swimming I sent this email to my H.
"When I get home from swimming, no talking...straight to the bedroom. I've got plans for you!" No response! My heart sank and then I realized I forgot my clean undies at home in my distracted rush out the door. I was thinking about it all the way home.

When I walked through the front door, I gotta admit, I was feeling a little self-conscious. He said to me what are you going to do to me? I just put my fingers across my lips and proceeded to the bedroom. I still wasn't sure at this point if we were a go so I just waited for about 10 seconds and he came into the bedroom and asked if he was just supposed to be waiting naked in bed? I said sure that'll work. Off came the clothes and we were kissing and snuggling having some giggles. He told me he even got a quick shower in! I pushed him on to his back and made my move. I blew him to completion! I was so proud of myself. This was something neither one if us had done before. I had been wanting to do this for him for a while and decided today was the day. It was great! I had a terrible experience regarding this when I was younger and it took me this long to get the guts up to face that irrational fear. Not only was it liberating, but also informative in a couple of ways.

I could tell that he was definitely enjoying himself. There were a couple of time where I thought I might lose him, but I just put more effort into it. Then he said something that I really didn't know how to respond to and has me confused. He changed and so I stopped and he said he was scared to.....he didn't finish his sentence so I said you have nothing to be scared of and I continued until he finished. He was very sensitive so there wasn't much after play.

While we're laying there cuddled up he says he has never done that before and then he said "thank you". I wasn't sure how to take that and not wanting to ruin the moment I told him he had nothing to thank me for that I was here for him and want him to enjoy himself. Then he said..."just because I don't get off doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself. I am more concerned that you're happy"

So what the [email protected] am I dealing with here? Do I need to start a new thread asking men why they would say what my H said to me? I don't know if I am or should be offended. 

When we first got together I told him that I wanted to experience sex with him. Those first years were hot, but pretty vanilla to be honest. I feel like I might scare the crap out of him if I tell him what's been going on with me lately. 

Thoughts??


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds great to me, maybe he was saying thank you because it made him feel good? Thank you for being there and trying to make him happy? Did you hope it would lead to intercourse or that wasn't your intention? I wish my husband could enjoy me doing that to him last month I went down on him and he couldn't get erect so he said "What's the point"? It's fun to be spontaneous which can be difficult with children around.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I thought he was saying thank you because he was finally relieved. It was my intention to do that. He seems different this morning almost relaxed. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I feel like something has changed that I just can't put my finger on. I get some great ideas from this place...so much experience to learn from. I am coming to the conclusion that it is far better for me to tell him stuff and deal with it head on than to fear telling him and live with that agony. Could it really be that easy? He leaves tomorrow for 2 weeks so we'll see what happens next. I've 2 weeks to plan for our next adventure.

Happily, did you try being more aggressive? You don't have to beat him up or anything just gently roll him over and....I'm sure you know what to do. I was concerned at one point that I wasn't doing that very well, so I bought a book and I actually watched some videos by myself. I think it helped.

So I plan to tread lightly for a bit. Get used to each other again and slowly bring up options as we go. I do like that set of questions though so I may ask for some feedback. Funny how I was sure this was going to go one way and it went the complete opposite.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

So...H got home 2 days ago. Since the last time we saw each other, I've lost a couple more lbs. I made sure I was wearing some tight jeans and a sort of lower cut t-shirt. I got my usual peck hello. As we drank our tea, the pre-emptives started...."I've been awake since....( I'm not getting anything tonight)...even changing I front of him and putting on a sexier nighty than I usually wear did nothing. So today he left on a short trip. Yesterday,he wanted his hair cut. He asked me if I could "do" the back of his head when he was done with the clippers. Before I even realized it I said "I can do any part of you" and he said "yes you can" in reference to our last encounter. I felt myself turning beet red for some reason! Any way...ff to last,night and at about 8:30 the pre-emptives started again.

He comments that he noticed that I've lost some more weight and I look good but as far as the man I married showing up....just ain't happening. I am so frustrated!!!! I have a letter that I just can't bring myself to give him for some reason. He's got a 6 week stretch of holidays coming up. There won't be any wiggle room for excuses about how tired he is, or whatever reason he wants to come up with. I literally feel pain in my chest like someone is ripping my heart out. I hate being in this situation and I guess until I get sick enough of it I'll continue to put up with it. Why??


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I am sorry Tango. It is so disheartening to think we made progress and get our hopes up to only have the bottom drop again. This two steps forward one step back routine does get really old. Definitely keep working on yourself because eventually he may come to realize he could be replaceable. Dh here is doing what he needs to do. Only half hearted efforts but it is an effort so I have taken a step back.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry Tango that things aren't getting any better. Does he sometimes has ED problems? I'm wondering if he has performance anxiety and that's he is avoiding sex with you. A low t count could also be the reason he has no desire. It sounds like he is a great husband and father otherwise.

Things are the same here sex wise. I almost think my situation is easy than yours and I know we won't be having sex so I don't feel disappointment or rejection. We have cuddled for the last 5 nights so that's been nice. I so sometimes feel sad and a bit frustrated after he goes to sleep and I'm up next to him in bed reading or watching TV. I do a lot of what ifs. If he didn't have these problems then we could be having sex and I think I'd be sleeping better. I know he would be happier and less stressed. There are also some nights I cry silently. I don't ever want him to know how upset I am at times because it would make him feel worse than he does.

It helps me to think about his good qualities he has and what I love about being married to him instead what we don't have in the bedroom. I just try to be the best wife I can during the day so he will want to spend time with me at night.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

It's so weird...he got back from his trip at about 2am today. When we got into bed, I knew there was no point starting anything, so I just hopped in an turned my back on him. Well if he didn't get in a snit and said "what..no kiss goodnight...you turn your back on me?" I was speechless! It was just the way he said it. Well, we'll see what happens tonight.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

How are things going Tango? Any improvements? My husband when to the Urologist today. His own doing. His T count is 250 which is low. The Dr gave him a prescription for Axiron testosterone gel that he puts on once a day in the morning. He was also given samples of Cialis. He was told to use the Axiron for two weeks and then try the Cialis. He will then go back to the Dr and have his T count checked. If it still isn't at a normal range then the Dr can adjust the dosage. 

The thought that my husband would be sexually aroused and want to have to be passionate with me is so exciting to me. Even if he still doesn't get erect if will be fun to try.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Happily...that's great that he went on his own. So once his levels come up you might get lucky!

It's been 33 days since we had sex. I am a mess today. I don't know what to do with myself...well I know I just don't want to. Lol I feel like I'm becoming more and more resentful everyday that passes. It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing to get his attention it's just not registering. I'm trying to not seem desperate. I'll sometimes take opportunities to make sexual comments to him, I'm trying to wear different clothes...try wearing skimpy little nighties to bed. I almost want to ask and hope he's says no so I can give him this letter and walk out the door until I'm ready to discuss it. I think he jumped on the scale the other day. He come out of the shower declaring that he was going to make a concerted effort to not eat junk food. He 'so sees how I'm getting healthy blah blah blah. I asked him to again come to the gym with me. It's just something he can't do. If he cuts out his nighttime snacking, he'll be able to get rid of it. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it's a bit past that point. I just smiled and told him I would do whatever he needs for me to support him. This boil is coming to a head. My chest hurts so much that I can hardly breathe. I truly love this man and I wish I new how to talk to him.


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