# How do you know???



## whattodo0 (Jan 17, 2008)

How do you know when youre ready for a Divorce? I dont think Im in love with my husband anymore, not sure I ever was...but I do love him, and dont know if I could handle never being a part of his life.....

But I also have feelings for someone else....deep feelings, not a crush (I dont think)...but my husband and I were having problems long before I developed these feelings.


How do you know whats really right? I dont wanna make a mistake and live with regret and pain. But there is something inside of me that wont go away. I was married pretty young, and Im really dependant on my husband, and attached to him. He's been there everyday for 6 yrs, how do I just walk away? Ive never been alone, and Im scared, but I want my fairytale (or as close to it as real life can get) and Im not sure my husband is it. We've been back and forth from having problems for a few years. He's a wonderful person, but, Im not attracted to him (and he's completely hot!) He's like my best friend, but I want more...but Im unsure.....I just dont think Im in love with him the way I should be to spend forever with him....

How did you know in heart you wanted out? Please help!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

for me divorce was an end all because marriage was no longer going to work. The point is you have to know for yourself. Just because you have the hots for someone and not your husband doesn't mean you should jump ship. After all the butterflies are gone a marriage or relationship should have trust, compassion and security. It sounds like your husband already gives you all these and more. I think though you problem may have been you married him for the wrong reasons. 

draconis


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## whattodo0 (Jan 17, 2008)

draconis said:


> for me divorce was an end all because marriage was no longer going to work. The point is you have to know for yourself. Just because you have the hots for someone and not your husband doesn't mean you should jump ship. After all the butterflies are gone a marriage or relationship should have trust, compassion and security. It sounds like your husband already gives you all these and more. I think though you problem may have been you married him for the wrong reasons.
> 
> draconis


I know. I do not want my marriage to end bc of someone else, though I understand that that does happen, you cant help who you love. We dont really have trust, or equality. Lately, things have been great, but for awhile, I was very much a "kept woman" so to speak, though I dont think he ever really intended that. We are very different, and we judge eachother alot, instead of accept eachother. Bottom line is, yes, I do feel like if I had it all to do again, I wouldnt have married him. However, here I am. Finding that someone else makes me feel the way my husband should, and while I can analyze till the cows come home as to why, the fact is, Im not sure how I feel anymore, how Ive ever felt....I think I was just always going through the motions. But, 6 yrs in, Im attached, and dont know what my heart is saying. Im sure Id have a nice life if I stayed, but I think Id always feel like there was something else.

My husband would be pretty torn up, and doesnt have alot of friends left, as theyre all married with several kids. I dont think he would be my friend, at least not for awhile, if we divorced. And we have no kids tying us together. I do love him, but....there is just no spark. I just dont know in my heart if thats a reason to leave or not.....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

A spark in a relationship can be started at any time. Often without us thinking of it. Dedication to the marriage often will provide a spark in itself because you feel the investment. My marriage went through that seven year ich where the spark was lost but with the right things we rebuilt it stronger then it ever was.

So there is always hope.

draconis


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## lkn4answrs (Feb 4, 2008)

I think it is normal to have those feelings. I have been having them for 2 years and only been married for 3 1/2. People say that when all the magic, butterflies and excitement leaves, that is when the work begins. This is the time the "work" everyone tells you marriage is about is the most important. You like this other person because it is new and he is giving you the attention and butterflies your husband once did. What happens when thatis gone from him? Ask yourself if you "love" your husband, because I was once told, if you can sit across from your partner and be comfortable just hanging out, stay with him, because eventually that is what it becomes. You have to try to make things interesting again. I suggest the book, "The 5 Love languages" Wonderful!! I have just recently decided to try in my marriage and I have been in love with another man for 8 months now. My husband knows and although we have a rough road ahead, he is my best friend, the attraction isn't there as it once was, but I know he loves me with all he has and like you, I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. To me that says a lot. Communication is VERY important!!!!!


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

I believe that you need to focus on YOUR marriage...and not someone else. Give YOUR marriage a try. It sounds like your husband is a decent guy and you should give him the benifit of the doubt. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you think he should give you and him another chance?


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## billwrl (Jun 8, 2008)

I don't think it's wise to stay in a loveless marriage. Life is short and people deserve to be happy.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I think you owe it to yourself & your husband to try to work on your marriage. When people say "work" it means setting aside time for just the 2 of you. ( it is nice not to have child in this situation but making that time is much easier), going on dates, making an effort to communicate ( even if it is talking about things they he does that bother you - not a easy conversatoin to have). But your husband can't fix something if he doesn't know it is broken. 
Maybe in talking to him you find out he isn't so happy either?. . . Who knows but until you have the conversation - you won't know. 
I think you owe it to him to make him aware of your unhappiness & see how he reacts & what he/you both do to be pro-active. 

I believe( hence my screen name) marriage "should" be forever and you should do everything in your power to try to make it work before you move on. Not sure if you aware of the stastics of 2nd marriages - not soo good so might want to work on marriage #1 before moving into the next. 

Regarding your next relationship, if you go that way. 2 comments, if the other man is truely for you - then maybe he will wait for you to sort out our your feelings & try. And if your 1st marriage was not meant to be - maybe guy #2 will still be there? Again, the experts , recommend that you don't go immediately from 1 relationship to another - but to take time to figure out what you want 1st. I do think that is really important - otherwise you run the risk of falling into the same patterns with guy #2. From what you said above, the thought of you being on your "own" is probably pretty scary but might just be what you need. 

Lots to think about . . . maybe you can speak to a marriage counselor alone or together to sort through some of your emotions/


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