# Am I being selfish?



## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

Hello,

Is it selfish of me to get angry when my wife wants to leave to go hang out with friends? We both work full time jobs and currently have two children, 9 and 2. My wife has had some staffing issues as of late and has been working more than a standard work week. I work days and she works nights, the children stay with me at night, and I take them to and from school each day. I also watch them on Saturday as she has to sleep on Saturday due to her working the previous night. It feels like she is rarely if ever home, and when she is it seems like she is either asleep or on her phone. She does generally have dinner cooked when we all get home, and does some housekeeping as well while we are gone.

She ask me if she could go hang out with her friend this upcoming weekend, and I got very angry about the request. I don’t feel like she spends enough time at home or with the family as it is, and I understand that from the work perspective, but not from a social perspective. She is a very social person compared to me, as I am much more home oriented, and I am sure that’s why I have issues understanding how she feels.

I just don’t understand why she feels it’s acceptable to always have it her way. Why would you want to go party with your friend all night Saturday night, when you have children at home? Her justification is that it’s usually only once a month, which is for the most part true. She ask why should she just sit at home and stare at me and the kids? That just because I don’t have any friends why shouldn’t she?

I guess she doesn’t understand how much it hurts me, not for myself, but for the kids, particularly the 2 year old. She spent most the day with him yesterday, and today he was crying not to go to school, because he wanted to stay with his mom. She doesn’t seem to see that, or chooses not to as it would interfere with her own interests. She won’t be the one trying to tell our child where mom is when he asks.

Maybe she is right though, she works and perhaps she does deserve a break. Part of me feels like a jerk for reprimanding her over the idea. I am boring for the most part, I don’t find any fun in socializing, perhaps if I had time I might, but honestly I doubt it, it’s just not my personality to do so.

So what do you think, am I unreasonable?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You sound reasonable. However, rather than get mad you have to give her choices and see what choices she makes. First and foremost, if her job gets in the way of her mothering, you should aks her to make a choice between working and staying home based on what she feels is most important in life.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

I think you should have this exact discussion with her 1-on-1 with her undivided attention.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's just very hard for a couple to work opposing shifts (day/night). It really destroys the warm feeling one would expect from having a 'family'. 

You're not being selfish, but then neither is she (if this is really a once-a-month thing). Overall though I would say she she should perhaps make the 2 year old a priority over both her job and also the occasional Saturday night party.

There's just no good outcome for a 2 year old yearning for his mom while she's at work or partying with her friends. The little boy will end up with hurt feelings.

You're also justified in feeling the way you do. The problem is, there's only one way around this in the long run and that is for her to stop working nights. No matter how things get handled, her night shifts will always be a problem. It's not a good dynamic for your marriage nor for your children's upbringing.

How tight are things financially? If they're not crazy tight, she should seriously consider looking for a day-time position. This can't go on forever


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

it's reasonable for you to feel angry and lonely but it's unproductive of you to direct that at your wife. The problem is the opposing shifts. On one hand, you can save on child care but on the other hand, it means you two have little real time together. Naturally, you value that time highly and it frustrates you when it appears she doesn't.
You might try planning something special for the family well in advance so she knows something fun is going to happen on Saturday evening or Sunday...with you. If she has no plans and someone invites her to something, it's a lot easier to accept the invitation. Get your invitation in early. Once she starts enjoying these memorable events, she might start planning them as well and looking forward to them, too. Meantime, avoid being accusatory. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who is accusing them and honestly, it's not entirely her fault she works opposing shifts or that y'all have kids.


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## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

We have discussed her shift in the past and she feels how things are is the best situation. As far as her changing shifts, she manages a small group of people, and she was doing that during the day, but decided to change to nights to be around the majority of her staff. She could change back anytime, but doesn't want to. We don't save any money on child care as he attends daycare M-F, and she sleeps while he is in school.

I really appreciate all the comments thus far and have really been trying to see things from her point of view, but I admit I have a hard time doing so. I can't help but seeing it as a means of avoidance, choosing the best way to be doing as she pleases, while not dealing with me or the kids.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Unless working the night shift is bringing in significantly more money or otherwise significantly better for her career, it's hard for me to understand how she thinks that's the best possible scenario. What's her reasoning?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

As she is a social person to a greater degree than you, her social activities are a need for her. A break from routine is also healthy - and you should get one occasionally as well, even if you'd rather do a solitary activity versus see friends. Family time is important, but shouldn't prevent some outside social activities. People need breaks and change, or they can become unhappy or even depressed being stuck in a mundane rut.

Getting more time together would be helpful, but that would mean she'd have to change shifts. She seems to think that as most of her employees are on the shift she's on now, that it's important to doing her job well to have direct management interaction. However, the tradeoffs may not be worth it - she is the expert here, but you can make your concerns and opinions known.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The problem is the shifts, not the socializing. Once a month is not a lot for a wife or husband to socialize outside the marriage. The problem is that you have so little time with each other that even that 1x per month feels like too much.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

get a sitter and go with her.

don't tell her just do it if she balks then she is indicating she would rather spend time with her friend alone than with you ......hmmm 

that would make me wonder WTF is up with that!!!!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

John Lee said:


> The problem is the shifts, not the socializing. Once a month is not a lot for a wife or husband to socialize outside the marriage. The problem is that you have so little time with each other that even that 1x per month feels like too much.


:iagree:
Find a babysitter and go with her.
Like what was said unless she is making more money there is no benefit to this and will in time destroy the marriage.
15 hours a week is recommended.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> get a sitter and go with her.
> 
> don't tell her just do it if she balks then she is indicating she would rather spend time with her friend alone than with you ......hmmm
> 
> that would make me wonder WTF is up with that!!!!!


Great minds think alike.
OP do it.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Daeuid said:


> As far as her changing shifts, she manages a small group of people, and she was doing that during the day, but decided to change to nights to be around the majority of her staff. She could change back anytime, but doesn't want to.


The once a month "out with friends" isn't the problem. If she wasn't working nights, going out once a month wouldn't be a problem. 

It's the fact that she chooses to work nights when she could work days. Making that choice when it means rarely seeing her family is a choice that is hard to understand. She values her work more than her family. She especially doesn't value time with you. You may have something to do with this; you probably need to be more fun to be with. But, that's no excuse, her decision is not the one that a mother dedicated to her family would make.


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## octaviaa (Mar 3, 2015)

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You want a wife in your life. I think it is more unreasonable of her to ask you to pick up the bulk of the work, and not give you her time. If she needs a break, why not hire a baby sitter one night and the two of you go out to dinner and a movie?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Daeuid said:


> Is it selfish of me to get angry when my wife wants to leave to go hang out with friends?
> 
> She ask me if she could go hang out with her friend this upcoming weekend, and I got very angry about the request.
> 
> So what do you think, am I unreasonable?


You're asking the wrong question.

How about "Is it odd that I get mad and angry when my wife asks me if she could hang out with a friend this upcoming weekend"

Answer "Yes it's very weird that you'd get angry". I could see you voicing your concerns, and explaining to her why you have an issue with it. But getting all pissed off about it?.. weird.

Furthermore she's going to start resenting you for prohibiting her from seeing her friends. 

Work on your anger issues, maybe do that while she's out hanging with her friends.



Daeuid said:


> Maybe she is right though, she works and perhaps she does deserve a break. Part of me feels like a jerk for reprimanding her over the idea.


This is your sane part. Address it more often.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

sounds like you communicate well here. reasonable and balanced. 

ask (meaning LISTEN) to her about all this. you have two ears and one mouth. use them in that proportion and listen.

oh, did I mention listening after bringing up your concerns? if not, please actually really truly listen...

communication matters. no point in arguing. that helps no one except heel digger salesmen.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Daeuid said:


> Hello,
> 
> Is it selfish of me to get angry when my wife wants to leave to go hang out with friends? We both work full time jobs and currently have two children, 9 and 2. My wife has had some staffing issues as of late and has been working more than a standard work week. I work days and she works nights, the children stay with me at night, and I take them to and from school each day. I also watch them on Saturday as she has to sleep on Saturday due to her working the previous night. It feels like she is rarely if ever home, and when she is it seems like she is either asleep or on her phone. She does generally have dinner cooked when we all get home, and does some housekeeping as well while we are gone.
> 
> ...


IMO -This isn't about you being unreasonable about her going out 1 night a month with friends. Your anger and resentment about it is a symptom of the problem....which is a severe lack of connection building time with each other. 

Opposite shifts, opposite schedules =opposite lives. This is the problem. You will need to decide how you are going to address it. 

I'm not you, have no more insight into your marriage than what you have typed out in this thread. But from what I have read...if I was in your position I would do the following. 

1. Request that your wife change back to a schedule more conducive to maintaining a marriage and a family. 
2. Do whatever it takes to ensure that you have at least 2-3 hours per day to spend one on one -together (This does not include sleeping). Request her input and suggestions on how to make this happen. 

If she refuses to do either -DEMAND marriage counseling. The marriage counselor (if carefully selected) can help you both determine the best way to move forward together. 

Guilt Trips, Angry outbursts, Pouting, etc....merely make you look weak and she WILL lose respect for you. That is BAD. VERY BAD long term. Stay calm, be polite and respectful...BUT firmly force the decisions, force the movement towards a resolution. It's your family- your marriage- you can either lead it to somewhere great -or simply treat it as a ride your on -and see what happens. 

LEAD.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I've got a hunch her reason to work nights is more than just "being around her employees". Specially since she switched to nights by her own will and doesn't really mind it. Most mothers and loving wives would at least declare a level of dissatisfaction with this arrangement given it deprives them of time with their husband and children.


If you have no sex-life to speak of, start investigating. She could be having affairs. 

The fact that she spends her time on the phone in the little windows you spend together is quite telling. Another strange thing is her son being at daycare while she sleeps at home. hmm...I understand she needs her sleep, but she's not very motherly is she? She's living a life of her own while maintaining a minimal level of involvement as a married mother. That's unacceptable to most men, and apparently you.

You need to find out how her typical work-night goes and who her 'friends' are. You might be in for a few surprises.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

synthetic said:


> I've got a hunch her reason to work nights is more than just "being around her employees". Specially since she switched to nights by her own will and doesn't really mind it. Most mothers and loving wives would at least declare a level of dissatisfaction with this arrangement given it deprives them of time with their husband and children.
> 
> 
> If you have no sex-life to speak of, start investigating. She could be having affairs.
> ...


This raised a question with me. Daeuid, how much time in an average week day would you say your wife spends interacting with the kids? With you? And separately, how much time on the weekends?


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Is she at least waiting till the kids go to bed before she leaves? I only ask bc I think I read where someone said that she works evenings. A moms night out is reasonable once a month, especially if (like you said) you aren't a social person. How does she treat you on the weekends she stays home?


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## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> This raised a question with me. Daeuid, how much time in an average week day would you say your wife spends interacting with the kids? With you? And separately, how much time on the weekends?


2-3 hours with the kids during a typical weekday. On the weekend she is usually not at home or unavailable until Saturday afternoon/evening, but I do feel like she attempts to spend time with them on Sunday, at times planning an outing of some sort, usually a mall. The thing about Sunday though is most times these outings involve her taking the kids out, and they meet up with one of her friends. That in some ways bothers me because I feel like the kids aren’t getting her attention; she is too busy being social. She takes them out without me because she is trying to give me some free time. I get that, and I appreciate it. Which I guess means I should be more open about her going out once a month.



Marriedwithdogs said:


> Is she at least waiting till the kids go to bed before she leaves? I only ask bc I think I read where someone said that she works evenings. A moms night out is reasonable once a month, especially if (like you said) you aren't a social person. How does she treat you on the weekends she stays home?


No, she will leave before that, usually around 6pm on Saturday, and won’t return till sometime Sunday morning, between 8am and noon. She is alright around me when she stays home, usually some idle conversation, lots of time on the phone, texting or IM’ing, whatever it is she does with it.

I think I am going to apologize for being so harsh about her outing. She has full intention to do it anyway rather I approve or not, but the more I think about it and read on here the more I feel like I am being unfair. I saw the suggestions on here that I go with her, but honestly she wouldn’t have fun with me present, as she likes to drink during her time out, and she feels like I judge her when she drinks. I’ve told her I don’t care, but I don’t drink, so for me I guess it’s hard to understand the fascination with it. Admittedly I have considered taking the activity up, maybe then she would feel more comfortable.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are being unfair, up to a point, anyway. Just because you are not a social person doesnt give you the right to expect her to be the same way. Most people NEED to interact with others in a social setting. Her going every weekend would be unacceptable...once or twice a month is not. You just said she is gone overnight...THAT is not cool. Are you full aware of her whereabouts when she does that? Mothers of small children with a husband at home should not be out overnight. (unless its like a once a year, special trip or something along those lines...)


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Daeuid said:


> 2-3 hours with the kids during a typical weekday. On the weekend she is usually not at home or unavailable until Saturday afternoon/evening, but I do feel like she attempts to spend time with them on Sunday, at times planning an outing of some sort, usually a mall. The thing about Sunday though is most times these outings involve her taking the kids out, and they meet up with one of her friends. That in some ways bothers me because I feel like the kids aren’t getting her attention; she is too busy being social. She takes them out without me because she is trying to give me some free time. I get that, and I appreciate it. Which I guess means I should be more open about her going out once a month.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You don't know what she's doing on the phone? Why not? Does she protect it? Keep it turned from you so you can't see the screen? Take it with her if she goes to the bathroom? Do you ever see the phone lying around when she's not near it?

ETA: Thanks for answering part of my question, how about the other part. How much time do you and her spend together without the kids, either out without them or after they've gone to bed? How much awake alone time do the two of you have together?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I think I am going to apologize for being so harsh about her outing. She has full intention to do it anyway rather I approve or not


DON'T.

You are erasing a boundary that could very well be totally justified. Don't back down without being fully aware of her mindset and what's going on in her life. Once you apologize, you've eliminated the line she has supposedly crossed.

You're not helping your children by approving their mother's unmotherly behavior.


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## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> You are being unfair, up to a point, anyway. Just because you are not a social person doesnt give you the right to expect her to be the same way. Most people NEED to interact with others in a social setting. Her going every weekend would be unacceptable...once or twice a month is not. You just said she is gone overnight...THAT is not cool. Are you full aware of her whereabouts when she does that? Mothers of small children with a husband at home should not be out overnight. (unless its like a once a year, special trip or something along those lines...)


She tells me general information about her plans, like what area she will be in and who she plans to hang with. She usually does leave for the entire night, and returns sometime the next morning. She needs time to recuperate so she stays elsewhere because it would be difficult to sleep with the kids around.



Nucking Futs said:


> You don't know what she's doing on the phone? Why not? Does she protect it? Keep it turned from you so you can't see the screen? Take it with her if she goes to the bathroom? Do you ever see the phone lying around when she's not near it?
> 
> ETA: Thanks for answering part of my question, how about the other part. How much time do you and her spend together without the kids, either out without them or after they've gone to bed? How much awake alone time do the two of you have together?


I know she does FB messaging on it, I occasionally see the screen if I walk past while she is on it. It pretty much goes everywhere with her, she stated she needs to have it in case someone from work calls off. The phone is protected, to stop the kids from playing with it, I do not know the pass code.

I don’t really like to go into details regarding our relationship, because it has been very rocky. We have been to counseling a few times in the past, separated once, then moved back together. There is no real alone time with us, she goes to work before the kids go to bed, and we don’t go out without the kids.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Daeuid said:


> She tells me general information about her plans, like what area she will be in and who she plans to hang with. She usually does leave for the entire night, and returns sometime the next morning. She needs time to recuperate so she stays elsewhere because it would be difficult to sleep with the kids around.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think it's time you had a mod move this thread into CWI. You can pm Amplexor, Coffee Amore, French Fry, or Deejo to have it moved and they'll take care of it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Daeuid said:


> She tells me general information about her plans, like what area she will be in and who she plans to hang with. She usually does leave for the entire night, and returns sometime the next morning. *She needs time to recuperate so she stays elsewhere because it would be difficult to sleep with the kids around*.


Omg :wtf:


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am assuming that the two of you decided on this arrangement so that you could save costs on day care and so your children would be with one of you instead of a sitter??? But the children are still suffering from the arrangement so what would be the answer? Is there a way your wife can work days or work less hours so she can be at home more? To me it sounds more of an issue that your arrangement is not working more than an issue of your wife spending time with her friends once a month.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife voluntarily works nights. SHe barely watches the children. She goes out on all nighters. What exactly are you getting out of your marriage?


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Its only reasonable to expect your wife (or husband) to dedicate the little free time she has to her family.
Dont get angry, just talk to her and let her know how would she feel if she was in your shoes?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

This really isn't a marriage I feel for the kids.
Where does she stay overnight?
Your marriage will not survive this.
Do you have access to her fb and emails?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I think it's time you had a mod move this thread into CWI. You can pm Amplexor, Coffee Amore, French Fry, or Deejo to have it moved and they'll take care of it.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Tell your wife your battery is dead and you need to use her phone.
Her reaction may tell you a lot.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife does not want to be married nor wants to be a mother to her child. I'm a career woman, 57 years of age, married ongoing 35 years, and elected to have no children. I have friends and I meet with them for lunch or some afternoon activity in a weekend. I never spend overnight anywhere with friends. My nights are spent with my husband.

Your wife has some other activity that does not include you or your child. See a divorce attorney to protect your assets. Your wife is up to no good. I have seen this before in a former sister-in-law. Nothing can come that is good in her lifestyle.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Daeuid said:


> She usually does leave for the entire night, and returns sometime the next morning.




She's cheating.


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