# Arguments about housework etc.



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Married 14 years.

We alway argue about housework and tidiness etc. I must admit I'm not the tidiest but it drives my wife nuts.

I work fulltime, wife works 22 hours and we've got a son aged 6. She does most of the housework but moans about it all the time. Moans that its her 'day off' (yeh, like on 22 hrs a week she gets about 4 a week!)

If I drop one crumb after shes done the housework I can look out. Causes a massive argument. The thing is I dont do it on purpose or because I cant be bothered and I do try.

I get the feeling I'm taken for granted sometimes because all she sees is that she does the housework and I make a mess. She forgets that I do all the bills etc, sort out all the money, do my share of childcare etc. In fact, most days I get up, do the ironing for the family to wear clothes that day, make sons lunchbag, make son breakfast, make wife cup coffee - all the while shes still in bed.

Because I'm flexible hours in work, sometimes I take son to school and go in later so wife can have a lie in.

Just wondered if I'm the only one whos like this or whether its fairly common.


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## katie jane (Oct 26, 2009)

If housework is causing you both so much hassle that its destroying any quality time you have together , then why dont you sit down and communicate with each other ...ask her what chores she would like you to do and rota it out ... 
teamwork to get things done = time together to do nice things as a family .


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> Married 14 years.
> 
> We alway argue about housework and tidiness etc. I must admit I'm not the tidiest but it drives my wife nuts.
> 
> ...


My guess is "I must admit I'm not the tidiest" is probably an understatement.

She works and does most of the housework. She's probably not happy with your lack of tidiness especially after her cleaning. I know when my wife was working 60 hours a week, I did most of the housework and wasn't pleased when she made a mess.

Don't make this a big issue in the marriage. There are bigger things to worry about.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

It might be good to divide everything up so that both of you (and your son! He's old enough to start doing small chores) have clear responsibilities. If some days you contribute a lot, and others you don't do anything, it's probably confusing her because she never knows what to expect from you. If you made your son's lunch/breakfast EVERY DAY, or if you told her that it was her responsibility to do this EVERY DAY then you would have more of a routine...And people take comfort in routine. This way she won't feel overwhelmed if you suddenly decide to sleep in, etc. Part of what's so stressful about chores is that they never end, so if you have a clear task each day it will feel less daunting.

22 hours a week is definitely not a lot, but keep in mind it's 22 hours more than what a housewife or stay at home mom would be working, so she can't be expected to do everything that they would do.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Chris Taylor said:


> My guess is "I must admit I'm not the tidiest" is probably an understatement.
> 
> She works and does most of the housework. She's probably not happy with your lack of tidiness especially after her cleaning. I know when my wife was working 60 hours a week, I did most of the housework and wasn't pleased when she made a mess.
> 
> Don't make this a big issue in the marriage. There are bigger things to worry about.


LOL. OK I'm pretty bad....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> LOL. OK I'm pretty bad....


There you go. Recognizing a fault is the first way of correcting it.

Make it a point to jump on something immediately. Drop a crumb, grab it before the first words come out of her mouth. 

Dirty clothes? In the hamper or bathroom before they hit the floor.

It will come easier as you go along. All us guys have been there before.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You know the best marriage advice I ever heard in this area - Get a housekeeper to come in once a week (or twice - whatever) and they can do the heavy cleaning. Then you guys are only responsible for day to day 'tidying' and dishes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She gives you valuable information on how you Love Bust her, but you choose not to address it. Instead, you complain that she rags on you.

Is that logical?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm a stay at home mom, and my boyfriend works very long hours. I do all the housecleaning, child care, bill paying, etc. I don't mind doing it, since I am home and he does work such long hours to take care of us all. 

HOWEVER, while I don't mind doing the housework, I DO mind feeling taken for granted. If he leaves clothes just lying on the floor instead of in the laundry basket, a towel lying on the floor instead of hung on the rack, throwing random junk on the counter where I'm going to be making dinner, yeah, that gets on my nerves. If I spent all afternoon baking for him and cleaning up the kitchen and he comes home and leaves crumbs from the cake on the counter and puts the dishes on the counter, and doesn't bother to even pretend to try to keep things clean, that'll get on my nerves. He doesn't do any of that, but if he did, it would bug me because it would seem like he doesn't appreciate all that I do. 

Now, if I added working, even just 22 hours a week, on top of that, I would be even more annoyed. She is probably less bothered by your lack of tidiness than by what, to her, seems to be a lack of appreciation. It also could be that the things that you do, perhaps you go about them in such a way that it makes her feel like you're trying to tell her that she's not doing a good enough job. 

I agree with the idea of dividing up chores, of deciding what each of you will do. That way, if it's agreed that you will do the laundry, she'll no longer have to worry about tracking down all your dirty clothes, and maybe you'll start putting them in the basket since you'll have to chase them all down. Or agree that she'll take your son to school each day, that way she knows it's her responsibility and she'll get up to do it, instead of lying in bed and making you feel like you need to take him. 

Also, something really simple that you can do right away...tell her you appreciate everything she does. Even though keeping the house is my job, I still enjoy, every now and then, hearing that he appreciates it, respects it, thinks I do it well, whatever. Little praise like that makes me want to work a little harder to give him an even nicer home to come home to, and it reminds me when he does something that drives me nuts that he's not trying to negate my hard work.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

turnera said:


> She gives you valuable information on how you Love Bust her, but you choose not to address it. Instead, you complain that she rags on you.
> 
> Is that logical?


I see your point but sometimes I think shes a bit unfair with it. I'm quite willing to be flexible within reason...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

breeze said:


> When you create extra unnecessary work for your partner, it is annoying and makes you seem like just another child to pick up after to your partner.


Funnily enough she says that....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

psychocandy said:


> I see your point but sometimes I think shes a bit unfair with it. I'm quite willing to be flexible within reason...


If you feel she's unfair, why don't you just sit down and talk it through until you both reach an agreement you're both comfortable with? Continuing on this way only guarantees that your marriage is circling the drain.


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