# My wife confessed that she cheated on me 7 years ago. I cant let it go.



## MD782

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 10 years as a couple overall. During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship. We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship. Now, today, 7 years later, I just found out that during that rough point, she slept with another guy, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now I am so confused. We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. What should I do?


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## manwithnoname

MD782 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 10 years as a couple overall. During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship. We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship. Now, today, 7 years later, I just found out that during that rough point, she slept with another guy, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now I am so confused. We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. *I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together.* Her secret has been constantly eating at me. What should I do?


Well this is why she didn't tell you. 

You have all sorts of feelings. What do you want to do?


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## ltsandwich

MD782 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 10 years as a couple overall. During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship. We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship. Now, today, 7 years later, I just found out that during that rough point, she slept with another guy, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now I am so confused. We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. What should I do?



I would weigh out what is now and not in the past related to your worst periods of being together. Has she shown any signs of infidelity? Has she been a good wife so far? How much does it really bother you and do you want the full details?

It's a toss up since it was so long ago and things may have been great since. In the end, if it's something that kills your feelings, that's on her and you should not feel guilty for ultimately pulling the trigger on what you want to do. (Divorce or separation)

If you love her and she's been great with no sign of being unfaithful, you will have to forgive and go through whatever you have to get past it...which is easier said than done. Seeing a MC or family therapist. Having her reinforce for you that she didn't settle. Sometimes that involves knowing all the details and why they stopped seeing each other. It's not easy hearing the truth if that truth is she only stayed with you in the end because the other guy was married or didn't want anything to do with her after the pregnancy. That may kill what you have in your heart alone.

Either way, that's my 2 cents. Thank you for sharing man and good luck to you.


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## MD782

It's all so sudden. I am really just trying to digest everything right now so I can make sense of it. I love her but I am confused, broken, and disappointed. My mind is going in circles about this situation. I have no clue what I want to do yet.


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## MattMatt

MD782 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 10 years as a couple overall. During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship. We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship. Now, today, 7 years later, I just found out that during that rough point, she slept with another guy, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now I am so confused. We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. What should I do?


Get counselling, both individual and as a couple.

This is history for your wife, but new to you, so it is as if it only just happened.


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## GusPolinski

What prompted the confession?

Just curious.


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## TDSC60

You were apart for only a couple of months. That is a very short time frame for her to sleep with another guy, confirm she is pregnant and have an abortion. How did you find out about this?


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## MD782

Thanks for the reply. Yes she has been a good wife. She says she has no other secrets and I believe her. The guy she slept with was a one-night stand. She says she barely even knew him and didn't keep in contact with him after the encounter. It is really bothering me right now. It is such a fresh situation for me. And YES, I do want all the details of the encounter and I have no clue why i do.


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## MD782

It all came about when I asked her if she had a thing for one of my brother's friends. She said that she did have a crush on him in the past but nothing happened. Then I started asking what other secrets she was hiding. I wasn't expecting anything like this.


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## manwithnoname

It might even be someone you know.


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## Diana7

MD782 said:


> It's all so sudden. I am really just trying to digest everything right now so I can make sense of it. I love her but I am confused, broken, and disappointed. My mind is going in circles about this situation. I have no clue what I want to do yet.


it doesn't matter that it happened 7 years ago, for you its as if it has just happened, so you will feel terribly hurt and betrayed. I think the fact that she lied for so long and even got pregnant and had an abortion and didn't tell you would be as bad for me as the actual act. 
You need time ánd space to begin to process this shocking news, many months and even years.You may need a time apart, that's your decision, but don't rush into anything is my advice.


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## Young at Heart

MD782 said:


> .....We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. *What should I do*?[/QUOTE
> 
> First , if it is eating at YOU, deal with you!. Go see a individual counselor or both go see a marriage counselor together. Figure out what you want out of marriage, how to set boundaries and then figure out if you can ever forgive her enough and/or trust her enough to continue the marriage. She should have a say in this as well, as she needs to figure out her own boundaries and control her self
> 
> Because you have a 5 year old child, I strongly recommend marriage counseling.
> 
> Good luck


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## Diana7

MD782 said:


> Thanks for the reply. Yes she has been a good wife. She says she has no other secrets and I believe her. The guy she slept with was a one-night stand. She says she barely even knew him and didn't keep in contact with him after the encounter. It is really bothering me right now. It is such a fresh situation for me. And YES, I do want all the details of the encounter and I have no clue why i do.


Some people( and I am like this as well), need to have the details of a situation in order to process what has happened and move on.


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## Edo Edo

She SHOULD have told you while you were trying to patch things up.
You HAVE been betrayed.
You ARE on a path of deception.

You have every right to feel everything that you are feeling and more. The fact that she just told you means that she intended to keep it a secret from you so you'd stay together. However, it's likely the guilt got the better of her and so to relieve the pressure on her conscious, she decided to tell you so many years later. That's how little she thinks of you. There's no respect, love, or mutual well being in her heart. She is and has been only looking out for herself. 

My best advice is to get yourself tested for STDs After that, start putting money in bank accounts that are in only your name and prepare yourself for the divorce process. Secretly start gathering any evidence you can find regarding her cheating and ANYTHING else that could remotely be considered controversial to a marriage/family life. Then meet with a lawyer in secret and get his opinion on anything else you'd need to be successful through a divorce process. 

Remember, she chose to tell you about this now because now SHE is ready for the worse case scenario outcome (i.e. your reaction). She wouldn't have told you otherwise. You must prepare first too. Do not allow yourself to give into knee jerk reactions and let on your feelings to her because YOU CANNOT TRUST HER. She has made that clear. Plus, even if you ultimately decide not to go through with a divorce, it always the best policy to be prepared.

(PS: Even if you decide to stay together and she finds out about anything you do to prepare for the worst, just calmly look her in the eye and say, "Don't worry honey, I planned to tell you about it in about 7 years or so after we got back together. Now, how does that make you feel...?")


Sorry you are going through all this...


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## VladDracul

Two things,

One, if not married or a least engaged, the couple has a right to see others if you've broken up. Since you two "eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship" it sound as if you were "broke up" and neither of you initially wanted to stay together. During this two month "apart" period, she was moving on with her life. Accordingly, there was no requirement she seek your permission to date or your input on getting back together before seeing other guys. So, in my opinion, she didn't cheat (based on my interpretation of what you wrote.

Two, when y'all decided to give it another try, she should have revealed she dated other guys (as well as you if you dated during this period)

You have the unenviable task of deciding if you want to deal with it. 

Like others, I wonder why she is now forthcoming with this information.


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## ltsandwich

Diana7 said:


> Some people( and I am like this as well), need to have the details of a situation in order to process what has happened and move on.


I think it's because your imagination can make it far worse until you hear everything. It's like a boogeyman. 

Also that's the REAL starting point on whether you can stay or not. The human mind can be brutal sometimes...though that's all still due to his wife. 

OP: I hope you can cope, no matter your decision. Just don't let guilt eat at you if you do decide to leave. It's not your fault you feel the way you do. For your sake, I do hope you see someone and possibly involve your wife at some point. It's worth it to try at this point in life, even if she did an incredible wrong of hiding it for so long. This isn't for her, it's for you and your kiddo.


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## MD782

Thanks for the replies. She wouldn't have told me if I didn't ask her. I pretty much told her that I had a bad "gut" feeling there was something she wasn't telling me and she finally confessed.


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## Lostinthought61

md782...remember this may have happen to her 7 years ago, but it happen yesterday for you so she does not get to tell you anything about getting over it...you get to deal with it as long as you need and she has suck it up and own it...this is her crap she has plagued you with.


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## Herschel

While you have the "right" to see other people when broken up, clearly if you expect to get back together, maybe you should keep your legs shut (or d in your pants). This is why stuff like this is kept a secret. Clearly she didn't feel so close or it was within reason to get back together, so she banged some other dude without protection.

Did you bang other chicks? Were you hoping for a reconcile? There's your answer.


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## MD782

I did not have any relationships with other girls. At that time, I was in a alcohol spiral and I just stayed home every night and drank. She says that they used a condom but that it obviously didn't prevent pregnancy.


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## Tobyboy

What are the specifics of this two month rough patch? We're y'all separated?


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## doconiram

MD782 said:


> I did not have any relationships with other girls. At that time, I was in a alcohol spiral and I just stayed home every night and drank. She says that they used a condom but that it obviously didn't prevent pregnancy.


Are you saying that the 5-year old may not be yours?

DNA testing is relatively cheap and easy to do. I would certainly recommend that.

She deliberately lied to you for a reason. Think about that.


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## sokillme

Her story sounds bogus. She is minimizing. Cheaters are really good at that. 

It amazes me how many people have a rough patch and decide to cheat. This one was 2 months so now that you are in a rough patch because of her should you go out and bang someone. UGGHH...


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## MD782

The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated. It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle. I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. It was just very bad communication. I know this situation is what drove her to do what she did. I understand that. I am still hurt by what she did, but it hurts even more because it's been hidden for so long.

There is a very very slim chance that the 5 year old is not mine. I do want to get a DNA test now just because of all the confusion, betrayal, and dishonesty.


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## citygirl4344

To you it's like the affair just happened yesterday.
You need time to process it.
I'm surprised that during her pregnancy it didn't come up she'd had an abortion.
These things are all important in ultrasounds etc and normally comes up.
I think you need counseling and if you want to stay with her marriage counseling is needed.
Personally I don't know how'd you come back from her not only having an afffair but being pregnant with his kid.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61

what does your wife have to say?


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## Tobyboy

MD782 said:


> The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated. It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle. I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. It was just very bad communication. I know this situation is what drove her to do what she did. I understand that. I am still hurt by what she did, but it hurts even more because it's been hidden for so long.
> 
> There is a very very slim chance that the 5 year old is not mine. I do want to get a DNA test now just because of all the confusion, betrayal, and dishonesty.


Thanks for answering. Prior to the rough patch, was she being shady? Did you suspect cheating at the time?


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## MD782

She says she is sorry and she made a mistake that she wish she could take back. She is saying she hates herself for what this secret has caused. She wants to stay with me but I cant even look at her the same way anymore. It's like she is tarnished forever. I dont know if that feeling will stay with me forever but I dont see it going away soon.


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## doconiram

MD782 said:


> There is a very very slim chance that the 5 year old is not mine. I do want to get a DNA test now just because of all the confusion, betrayal, and dishonesty.


Absolutely get it done.

It is easy and painless. You can do it with a simple cheek swab in the privacy of your own home if you want.

Kits are sold at most chain drug stores or you can order online. A quick google search for at home paternity testing will show you options.

Get the peace of mind.

She didn't use a condom, or at least didn't always use a condom when banging her OM. 

Given the timing and the reason to lie, I would definitely do the DNA test.


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## TAMAT

MD782,

When people cheat they like to minimize the details and give you only 10% or so of the truth.

There is a very good chance that her cheating on you was what caused the "rough patch" and not the other way around. 

I think she knows who the OM is and is lying about it, possibly because of WHO the OM is.

Can you recover text messages or phone records from that time.

Can you have your WW take a polygraph?

Tamat


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## TAMAT

MD782,

It usually takes 2 to 5 years to recover provided there are no relapses on her part or new details discovered.

It can be hard to process that she was lying to you for 7 years.

Tamat


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## Emerging Buddhist

7 years ago is a long time for some, yesterday for others.

While you were drinking a lot and ignored the relationship, you ended up separated.

Perhaps at the time she had written you off and didn't believe the relationship salvageable.

Does that change the fact that she couldn't find the courage to tell you then?

Perhaps. 

No for some, understandable for others... fear is a great inhibitor.

She trusted you then with your shortcomings... probably forgave you for many.

That was then.

She has been a good wife... 

This is now, and she is still trusting you.

That is why she shared her deepest fear.

Abortions are not light on the soul...

It was not about you then... it is not about you now.

Let it go.

That's compassion... and in my eyes, love.


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## Dyokemm

IMO the most important detail for you right now is this:

Why in the h*ll did she think this was OK to hide from you while repairing the relationship and eventually moving to marriage?

Yes.....I understand wanting to know the details of what happened (and I would want them too)......

But the real worry for you right now is the plain evidence that she has zero problem hiding things from you or deceiving you in order to get what she wants.

That isn't an issue from the past.....it is present right now.

She essentially manipulated you into M without a full understanding of who she was, what she is capable of, and the true state of your relationship.....and she has continued that manipulation for 7 years.

This would trouble me deeply.


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## manfromlamancha

First of all your feelings are normal - it is as if it just happened because you only just found out.

Next: as others are saying you were only in this rough patch for a couple of months or so - a very short time for her to find someone, fvck him, get pregnant, find out that she is indeed pregnant and then get an abortion. Not very credible and I am willing to bet that this went on longer than she is telling you, possibly started before you two were not talking (possibly even might be the reason you two had a rough patch etc) and that she knew him (possibly you did as well) and there is a lot more to this than meets the eye! There could have been others too.

With regard to staying with her, what you do know is that she is an accomplished liar and would not have come clean if you didn't press forward. Why would you stay with a lying, cheating, emotionally bankrupt, amoral person ?

A poly would be a damn good idea!


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## MD782

Thank you everybody for the input. I have nobody to talk to about this so it is comforting to get so many different perspectives. I know this will take some time to think through. I really appreciate all the comments, advice, and suggestions. We have had a great relationship since the "rough patch" 7 years ago. I just didn't expect this type of secret to come about but I want and deserve the truth. I want answers before I can fully contemplate my options.


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## Bibi1031

Let us put all the cards on the table and see the situation for what it was. She had a one night stand when you two were separated due to your addiction to alcohol which technically was what came between you two in the first place. 

She slept with someone, but you sir neglected her for who knows how long for the infamous bottle. If she forgave you and took you back, why can't you offer the same to her? 


So you feel cheated, well she was cheated too. How long did it take you to stop sleeping with the bottle instead of working on your relationship with the woman you were living with? 

...and for those that want to argue that what he did is not cheating, go visit and talk to recovering addicts going through a 12 step program or something similar. They will set you straight.

You have a gama of emotions because this will take time to get through, but own what you did too. That may help you understand she was human and turned to a distructive outlet to attempt feeling better after you two were done. If you don't trust her 100% that the child is yours, get DNA tested and begin honest counseling.


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## sokillme

You, even your drinking, are not responsible for her cheating. Following the same logic you should be able to sleep with someone now right, this is just as bad if not worse then getting drunk right? That is why that kind of thinking is crap. No excuse it's on her, she didn't have to treat you this way. That is on her, she could have left you, she didn't, she stayed and cheated. 

I don't think you have the full story. I have read too many stories to believe it was a one time thing. Again the story sounds sanitized. I suspect it was longer and your drinking was only part of it. You probably know and have met the guy. You need to know the full story before you decide what to do. 

As for how to heal, detach for a while and wait until you are no longer in shock. Just accept that you are going to suffer for a while. It's like you got cancer or badly burned. You are going to have to go through it to heal. But no matter if you stay with her or not you will one day feel OK again. It just takes time.


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## Tatsuhiko

Don't listen to any "advice" that justifies her cheating. She should have gotten help for you or divorced you before sleeping with another man while keeping you in the wings. While your alcoholism was problematic, in NO WAY did it justify her behavior, despite how some people might misinterpret 12-step philosophies.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

My first thought is the OM is somebody that is still in contact, possibly "friend" of the family.


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## Bibi1031

Did you guys conveniently forget they were separated when she had the one night stand. Not only that, they were not married, so technically they were both single at the time. Sheesh. 

Her mistake and what she owns 100% of was not coming clean when they decided to get back together. Instead she brings it up now.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Anyone who has lived with or dealt with an alcoholic knows the hell it is. It is like cheating. It's choosing something else over your loved ones and family every single day. 

Out of my ex's drinking and his affair, the drinking did more damage and pain. 

Others may "rank" it differently but it is hell. Daily hell. While it doesn't excuse her covering up what she did, you do have to take into account how bad things were at that time. That would have been hard for her to forgive too


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## ltsandwich

Bibi1031 said:


> Did you guys conveniently forget they were separated when she had the one night stand. Not only that, they were not married, so technically they were both single at the time. Sheesh.
> 
> Her mistake and what she owns 100% of was not coming clean when they decided to get back together. Instead she brings it up now.


They were together 3 years. Separated indicates they were working things out. His entire thing is her lack of telling him about screwing another guy and having an abortion while he's working out his own demons, thinking they have a future and not even given the option to choose for himself if he wants to stay after she strayed when things got rough. 

He had a drinking problem that he took care of in a few months when many spend years addicted to the bottle. I have no clue what other problems they may have had, but her coping with his addiction was leaving and then screwing a random guy when they are still working things out. I don't blame him for being upset that she never even gave him the option to weigh in on that. Even she must have thought it was crappy behavior if she considered it a dirty secret and something she knew he wouldn't like.

You don't get a free pass because you're not married yet and in a relationship. It's still cheating unless it's understood you both are broken up and free to do as you wish. I hate this mentality that separations mean it's okay to run off and bang whoever you want with minimal repercussions. Leads to that mentality you can just pause a relationship when you need to have a tryst or get sex outside the relationship and then jump back in when you've got it out of your system. 

I think that's just as scummy as a cheating bride/husband and is basically the same, exact mind set they have.

EDIT: Looking back...they never separated and were living together. Zero excuses now. If the drinking was THAT bad, she should have left him. Seeing as it was a one-time thing, she obviously never had that intention.


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## Tobyboy

Bibi1031 said:


> Did you guys conveniently forget they were separated when she had the one night stand. Not only that, they were not married, so technically they were both single at the time. Sheesh.
> 
> Her mistake and what she owns 100% of was not coming clean when they decided to get back together. Instead she brings it up now.


OP posted that they were living together and were never separated.


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## sokillme

I bet we find out that she new this guy before the alcohol became a huge problem, and that this was not a one night affair.


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## Annette Tush

Diana7 said:


> Some people( and I am like this as well), need to have the details of a situation in order to process what has happened and move on.


But some details can be difficult to process, the reason they sometimes say that ignorance is a bliss. Tough one


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## Bibi1031

People stay in the same living quarters for many reasons, he admits his drinking was the root cause of the rough patch. What he has every right to be upset about was her not telling him when they got back together and decided to work on the relationship.

Instead, she brings it up now. That was deceitful indeed, but cheating it was not. He even admits that what he has trouble with is the lies of omission. That is something I most certainly agree with. He deserved the truth back then. He probably would have forgiven easier back then, the deceit is what mskes the most damage.


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## ltsandwich

Bibi1031 said:


> People stay in the same living quarters for many reasons, he admits his drinking was the root cause of the rough patch. What he has every right to be upset about was her not telling him when they got back together and decided to work on the relationship.
> 
> Instead, she brings it up now. That was deceitful indeed, but cheating it was not. He even admits that what he has trouble with is the lies of omission. That is something I most certainly agree with. He deserved the truth back then. He probably would have forgiven easier back then, the deceit is what mskes the most damage.


He specifically said the main reason for that was because he feels he would NOT have STAYED with her if she had been honest back then. That's a relationship based on lies and obviously he was hurt for a reason. He said they were not separated and if she thought so, that was all in HER head and not something he was agreeing to while they lived together.

She cheated. Plain and simple. Problems or not, she didn't even give him the option of deciding on his own if it was worth staying with someone that had no problem sleeping with someone else while still living with a boyfriend that was suffering from an addiction and not breaking up(cleanly) with that person at the very least. 

He never got the option of getting an STD test and has to rely on her honesty if she got one. Assumed all these years she was patient with him through his WORST and probably idolised her for it.

The irony is I have to defend him when I'm for them reconciling since she obviously thought he was worth marrying later, despite the rough patch and drinking. 3 year relationship with a few months of a drinking problem in which she obviously didn't assist with. Interventions, counseling, etc. Just became distant and screwed another guy. Just like how he slipped, so did she. The difference is she hid what she did and never gave him a chance to weigh that out when deciding to stay.

SHE RECEIVED THAT LUXURY.


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## Bibi1031

the rough patch was about 4 months, not his drinking problem. He says that during the months before they gave their relationship a try, he was staying home every night hitting the bottle. The communication was terrible back then. 

The good thing is thst OP was able to walk away from thst addiction and they were hsppy until her disclosure. This is new to him and very hard to forgive, but not impossible if she was a good wife all these years. The deceit is what rightfully has him confused, betrayed, and hurt. He has every right to all those feelings. He needs time to decide what he can and cannot accept with this new truth.


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## GusPolinski

Pretty hard to make the case that she cheated but the impact of what she didn't do pretty much amounts to it.

Honestly, though, I think it would probably be the abortion that shocked me the most.


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## GusPolinski

Bibi1031 said:


> the rough patch was about 4 months, not his drinking problem. He says that during the months before they gave their relationship a try, he was staying home every night hitting the bottle. The communication was terrible back then.
> 
> The good thing is thst OP was able to walk away from thst addiction and they were hsppy until her disclosure. This is new to him and very hard to forgive, but not impossible if she was a good wife all these years. The deceit is what rightfully has him confused, betrayed, and hurt. He has every right to all those feelings. He needs time to decide what he can and cannot accept with this new truth.


He's also wondering what else she hasn't told him, and he's imagining all sorts of things.

Pretty hard to shake that.


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## arbitrator

MD782 said:


> Thanks for the reply. Yes she has been a good wife. She says she has no other secrets and I believe her. The guy she slept with was a one-night stand. She says she barely even knew him and didn't keep in contact with him after the encounter. It is really bothering me right now. It is such a fresh situation for me. And YES, I do want all the details of the encounter and I have no clue why i do.


*It's not the adultery that's eating at you now! It's the "lying by omission" and her "gross deception" that's got ahold of you now!

So how many other lies could she possibly be hiding from you?*


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## stillthinking

Just wanted to say sorry that you are here man. All the questions running through your head must be overwhelming. Anger, sadness, rage, sorrow, etc etc. Your emotions will be changing every hour. And it really sucks.

Keep posting. Keep processing. Do not sit and stew. Do not drink. 

You will get through this.


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## ltsandwich

Bibi1031 said:


> the rough patch was about 4 months, not his drinking problem. He says that during the months before they gave their relationship a try, he was staying home every night hitting the bottle. The communication was terrible back then.
> 
> The good thing is thst OP was able to walk away from thst addiction and they were hsppy until her disclosure. This is new to him and very hard to forgive, but not impossible if she was a good wife all these years. The deceit is what rightfully has him confused, betrayed, and hurt. He has every right to all those feelings. He needs time to decide what he can and cannot accept with this new truth.


He seems to indicate she's been great, so I'm not really feeling she's been going down that road of seeing other men when things get tough...but it's hard to say since she gave a random confession and have to take at face value everything in the past has been told with complete truthfulness. She can keep secrets for a damn long time.

If he can get over it, though...it would be really great if it's something they can work out. They seem to love each other and they both had their bad moments...just too bad for him, he didn't get to see hers until well after the marriage started. It's a real bummer for that delay in being able to cope and moving past. She might have doomed her relationship and not thought twice about it being a possibility over something from so long ago. I kinda feel for her (sorry OP) because it was a slip on her end that she might never have done again, but now it's possibly going to cause big ripples due to the lack of honesty immediately.


----------



## Graywolf2

MD782 said:


> The guy she slept with was a one-night stand.


So she had sex with the guy one time. They used a condom but it broke. Then that one time got her pregnant. 

What are the odds of that? I guess she used up all of her bad luck for the decade during that one single night.


----------



## sokillme

ltsandwich said:


> He seems to indicate she's been great, so I'm not really feeling she's been going down that road of seeing other men when things get tough...but it's hard to say since she gave a random confession and have to take at face value everything in the past has been told with complete truthfulness. She can keep secrets for a damn long time.
> 
> If he can get over it, though...it would be really great if it's something they can work out. They seem to love each other and they both had their bad moments...just too bad for him, he didn't get to see hers until well after the marriage started. It's a real bummer for that delay in being able to cope and moving past. She might have doomed her relationship and not thought twice about it being a possibility over something from so long ago. I kinda feel for her (sorry OP) because it was a slip on her end that she might never have done again, but now it's possibly going to cause big ripples due to the lack of honesty immediately.


How great can she be if she is lying for years. Not too great.


----------



## sokillme

Graywolf2 said:


> So she had sex with the guy one time. They used a condom but it broke. Then that one time got her pregnant.
> 
> What are the odds of that? I guess she used up all of her bad luck for the decade during that one single night.


Exactly. And it was just some random guy she met too. Story doesn't hold water.


----------



## ltsandwich

sokillme said:


> ltsandwich said:
> 
> 
> 
> He seems to indicate she's been great, so I'm not really feeling she's been going down that road of seeing other men when things get tough...but it's hard to say since she gave a random confession and have to take at face value everything in the past has been told with complete truthfulness. OkShe can keep secrets for a damn long time.
> 
> If he can get over it, though...it would be really great if it's something they can work out. They seem to love each other and they both had their bad moments...just too bad for him, he didn't get to see hers until well after the marriage started. It's a real bummer for that delay in being able to cope and moving past. She might have doomed her relationship and not thought twice about it being a possibility over something from so long ago. I kinda feel for her (sorry OP) because it was a slip on her end that she might never have done again, but now it's possibly going to cause big ripples due to the lack of honesty immediately.
> 
> 
> 
> How great can she be if she is lying for years. Not too great.
Click to expand...

Just based on what he said in reply to me. After that she's had no indicators of being unfaithful and things were great until she dropped the bomb.

I brought that up. Keeping something secret like that for so long is a red flag. Who knows what else she is hiding. Still, if not, it may be worth reconciling if he can move past it and still loves her.

If not, it's not his fault for why the relationship ends. He was never given the choice to cope/forgive before marriage. That blows.


----------



## ConanHub

Bibi1031 said:


> Did you guys conveniently forget they were separated when she had the one night stand. Not only that, they were not married, so technically they were both single at the time. Sheesh.
> 
> Her mistake and what she owns 100% of was not coming clean when they decided to get back together. Instead she brings it up now.


I read nowhere that they separated. I read they had a rough patch for 3-4 months while he drank and she decided to go out with friends at night.

Bad communication was happening but no one said separation or moved out.

So she started fng around,(seriously doubt the one time with a condom story) got pregnant and had an abortion all while still coming home to him.

That is cheating, deception and huge betrayal.

If she wanted some strange, she should have broken up with him.


----------



## chillymorn69

Are you clean and sober?

Please don't start down that path to deal with this. You need clear thinking .


First have the kid dna tested.

Jmho, she though she was done because of your drinking. You yourself said you just sat around drinking for months.

She went out looking for a new man ,found one and tried to either trap him or catch him with sex. He didn't bite , and you cleaned up so she came back to you as plan b.


If the kid is your then be the best dad you can be. As for your wife , well you said she has been a good wife. Only you can decide if you want to forgive her and stay married.

Does she respect you treat you with love ,adimire you ,sexual with you, 

Or is she a *****?


----------



## Bibi1031

honestly, i saw that they were separated but living in the same place because I saw this story so ften at my part time job at the shelter that I am biased. He also mentioned that they decided to get back together. If they weren't separated during the rough patch then why did they get back together? That is what doesn't make sense and lead me to believe they were just roomates during that time. 

If they were living together, but building seperate lives then "technically" she was not cheating; she was moving on. Now, he says things were not clear. Well of course they were not. They seldomly are when the relationship has deteriorated to the point where they were at. What questions her integrity is the lying by omission like @arbitrator mentioned. 

And yes, it is that secret that is eating him up because it was deceit. Logically, anyone will question just how many more lies are there? Compound that with trickle truth, and this can get very ugly and beyond repair real fast because trust has been broken.


----------



## NJ2

I really have to jump in here.....

I had an A 25 years ago for several months during a rough patch while married. 

It was a dispicable horrendous immoral thing to do. There are no excuses. I made it exponentially grievous by keeping it a secret.

I broke it off, examined why I did it (immaturity, attention seeking, loneliness, parents that had multiple affairs, a brokeness that ran deep) and what steps I could take to make sure I never did anything like that again. (no OS friends, IC, MC, learn to meet my needs that H was unable to meet, communication...)

I did not tell my H for 25 years. I did not tell him because I was terrified of the consequences- he would leave me, our family would be broken, I loved him and wanted to make things work. 

The guilt of what I did prevented me from having the intimate relationship that I wanted with H. It made me feel unworthy of his love and commitment. It made me question my innate character and changed the way I saw myself. I gained weight as a way of insuring that it would never happen again.

Your wife told you after 7 years. It must have been terrifying for her to admit to it. It must have been devastating for you to hear it. It does not seem like she is an evil serial adultress- just as I was not. She did a very despicable thing and made it worse by not disclosing it. She didnt want to give you the opportunity to make your decision to leave or stay back then because she thought you would leave. Cowardly and desperate but also because she loved you so much she didnt want to lose you.

Go to IC/MC and figure out how to forgive/accept and move on if you love and value your marriage. It cant be undone. Dont do this for her do this for the relationship and yourself. To leave what otherwise has been a good loving marriage now would -in my opinion- be punishing yourself as much as it would be her.

Obviously I'm biased but whatever.....It is possible for some people to make a monstrous choice because they are broken and learn from it- it doesnt always mean that they are monsters themselves or that there is a deep hole of other lies and deceptions within them.

Grow with her.


----------



## snerg

Bibi1031 said:


> The good thing is thst OP was able to walk away from thst addiction and they were hsppy until her disclosure. This is new to him and very hard to forgive, *but not impossible if she was a good wife all these years*. The deceit is what rightfully has him confused, betrayed, and hurt. He has every right to all those feelings. He needs time to decide what he can and cannot accept with this new truth.


If she was a good wife!?!

She lied.
She deceived
She stole time/energy/emotional well being
She potentially subjected him to a STD
She stole an opportunity for him to meet an honorable woman and have a true love filled marriage, not one based upon lies.

I think our definition of "good wife" is vastly different

Things to make you go hmmmm - if she can lie and hide something this big for this long of a periog of time, what about the other "little" things she could lie about?

I do agree about him needing time.

OP you also need to get into IC with someone that has good experience with cheating


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Biased @NJ2?

How about using the present well.

You can't hold forgiveness and stones in the same hands... there is no room to grasp both.

So many stones in this thread... perfection seems stamped on so many of them.

Judgement with a religious zeal... when did "go, and sin no more" become passé?


----------



## snerg

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Biased @NJ2?
> 
> How about using the present well.
> 
> You can't hold forgiveness and stones in the same hands... there is no room to grasp both.
> 
> So many stones in this thread... perfection seems stamped on so many of them.
> 
> Judgement with a religious zeal... when did "go, and sin no more" become passé?


Should there be no consequences for her actions?

I like what you're saying, however, that doesn't answer the issue at hand.


----------



## NJ2

@snerg My guess is she has doled out enough punishment to herself. Carrying that guilty secret around for 7 years. Seeing her husband (whom she loves) feel the pain and anxiety this revelation has caused . Wondering if he can ever get over it, wondering how his feelings for her will change with this new information....will he be able to get them back...

What further punishment does she need? If he wants to R he needs to worry about how he can accept and forgive her for making this past mistake. It would be wise if he helped her accept/forgive herself. There is opportunity here for them to build a deeper more intimate marriage and to grow together.

MC told H and I once that we were wasting so much time feeling bitter and finding blame we were missing out on all the opportunities we had to show each other love, warmth and compassion. This was a changing point for both of us. It rang so true. We are the ones who should have each others back and be each others soft place to fall. I try now to think how can I make H feel better instead of worse through my actions, how can I make him feel loved and understood instead of judged and small through my words.

There are always choices to be made. I have found by making these choices it benefits the giver as much as the receiver. 

Isnt the goal to be happy and have a good life together? I dont think we gain much by having a life where the goal is to extract revenge and payment to even the score. Not in R anyways.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

What determines the length of relationship statute of limitations?

It seems to be different for all...

One time in a dark period brings all kinds of assessment to what a good spouse is... sure we don't know what we don't know, but that is the quality of trust.

We either do, or we don't.

We also place values on cheating, yet for some one can cheat on their spouse in all ways but physical and it's not a deal-breaker, yet that one act is the threshold of the end. For some it's a wake-up call that the relationship is what they really want and such a mistake of being with another in desperation of being held shows to what depth we can be lost but in our heart know the path we need.

Consequences are meant to be what exactly?

Lessons of suffering by cause and effect I believe... there are consequences abound here.

When I hear words used as such in certain situations, it's often hard not to see it's use as revenge rather than it's original intent, karma (cause and effect for many) comes that way.

If you think she didn't suffer enough, accompany someone to an abortion clinic.

His was a dark place too... both sides broken.

Both sides repaired.

I have lots of experience clinging to past pain, I don't advise it, which in effect is my advice.

I know many of you have anger toward a cheating spouse/gf/significant other... been there, done that, have the scars.

Do you know what is worse than having so much anger toward such a situation and a person?

Having those angry wishes come true.

OP, let it go...


----------



## SunCMars

Bibi1031 said:


> Let us put all the cards on the table and see the situation for what it was. She had a one night stand when you two were separated due to your addiction to alcohol which technically was what came between you two in the first place.
> 
> She slept with someone, but you sir neglected her for who knows how long for the infamous bottle. If she forgave you and took you back, why can't you offer the same to her?
> 
> 
> So you feel cheated, well she was cheated too. How long did it take you to stop sleeping with the bottle instead of working on your relationship with the woman you were living with?
> 
> ...and for those that want to argue that what he did is not cheating, go visit and talk to recovering addicts going through a 12 step program or something similar. They will set you straight.
> 
> You have a gama of emotions because this will take time to get through, but own what you did too. That may help you understand she was human and turned to a distructive outlet to attempt feeling better after you two were done. If you don't trust her 100% that the child is yours, get DNA tested and begin honest counseling.





> She says she is sorry and she made a mistake that she wish she could take back. She is saying she hates herself for what this secret has caused. She wants to stay with me but I cant even look at her the same way anymore. It's like she is tarnished forever. I don't know if that feeling will stay with me forever but I don't see it going away soon.



I am going against the prevailing winds on TAM.

I am going to stand behind @Bibi1031 on her post. In truth, Bibi splashed on some great smelling perfume! I am enjoying the view and the aroma!
.....................................................................................................................................................

Nobody should cheat. But she did. You pushed her out of your' life.

Why did she finally admit her unfaithfulness?
Again...you pushed her.

She could have taken this secret to the grave. She could have. 
She heard your gut grumbling, she saw the palpitations when she glanced at the belly of her man.

You coaxed it out of her. 

She has held this guilt inside her for a long time. Now it is out in the open.

It wanted to get out, in your ear, into your brain and down to your quivering belly. To set it to rest. To set her MIND to rest.
.................................................................................................................................

Now, here is where it gets sticky, gets, uh, strange.

It was TIME for the Truth to come out. Our lives are subtlety, externally timed and planned. Not as a gear in a machine. No that is total subjugation. Rather as an inclining nudge, forward, backward, sideways....downward. Downward into the muck and silt of Wayward and Wandering river {love-banks}.... long gone.

We are puppets, sometimes sock puppets on TAM. @EleGirl has a distaste for sock puppets. Those unwashed woolly things that crawl into one's mind and tickle those places never mentioned. Fear is an admission of bewilderment. Lack of: A ladder to knowing. A ladder with missing rungs.
.................................................................................................................................

At that time: 
When she went asunder, under another man's will and under another man's form.

You left your body in a drunken heap.
You left your wife in crying heap.

She got up and left and went asunder.
Your' marriage...both plundered.

Me? If all, since the 'since then' times have been good, I would hold her in my arms and know that I have not lost her.

I rarely forgive these things...this 'thing', this dark fling is now in daylight. And she has withstood the weathering. 

Let it go. Love her forever and a day. 

Who gets that 'last' day? 
I am not telling.

Just Sayin'


----------



## sokillme

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Biased @NJ2?
> 
> How about using the present well.
> 
> You can't hold forgiveness and stones in the same hands... there is no room to grasp both.
> 
> So many stones in this thread... perfection seems stamped on so many of them.
> 
> Judgement with a religious zeal... when did "go, and sin no more" become passé?


Just speaking logically is it really the best choice logically to just believe her when she has shown him such disregard. 3 months of struggles and she cheats and now tells a kind of a fantastic story. It's not about punishment it's about assessing risk. People who behave this way are a risk, life is short, time is finite.

Maybe he can do better. Part of the fulfillment for me in marriage is feeling like my wife has my back. There is one person in this world who I know I can count on. If she cheated that would be lost and frankly the rest of it is not enough. I need that. Maybe OP is the same. To me when the trust is gone the relationship is gone. I get that if you are the type of person who can cheat you probably don't get that, but that isn't really the point.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

sokillme said:


> Just speaking logically is it really the best choice logically to just believe her when she has shown him such disregard. 3 months of struggles and she cheats and now tells a kind of a fantastic story. It's not about punishment it's about assessing risk. People who behave this way are a risk, life is short, time is finite.
> 
> Maybe he can do better. Part of the fulfillment for me in marriage is feeling like my wife has my back. There is one person in this world who I know I can count on. If she cheated that would be lost and frankly the rest of it is not enough. I need that. Maybe OP is the same. To me when the trust is gone the relationship is gone. I get that if you are the type of person who can cheat you probably don't get that, but that isn't really the point.


Logic... that made me smile. 

You have no idea how hard it was for her those three months to lose her love for herself as well... neither do I to be honest, but if it cost her this then I can assess it must have been great for her to hurt herself as well as her partner during this time.

Fantastic story?

How about a story of this was the lowest I have ever been in my life and somehow I was able to see the damage it was causing us and got my mind and heart aligned to believe in the best we could be in spite of all our failures.

I guess that is fantastic now that I think about it.

One can make it a life sentence or a lesson... the choice is always ours.

Do better?

Perhaps he can... perhaps she can too, who's to judge but at the same time it's easy to discard the love and grasp the hurt these days. 

OP is trying to understand why this hurts him so much... maybe he is like you, or maybe for his life, the history, and the lessons learned about what love is means he shouldn't be like you. I can't tell you where he should land but in my experience, if one wants balance one has to look beyond logic because people are far from logical as much as we think ourselves to be.

Sometimes we simply have to trust the process of life and if the things hurt us to a degree we cannot overcome in our happiness then we leave them... there are times I've walked and times I've stayed, I did more growing in the staying times than walking but as always each individual's milage may vary.

We always have options to a point, it's never a dead end unless we decide it is.

That's the beauty of U-turns.

Just my opinion, and I am not the type of person who can cheat.


----------



## SunCMars

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Logic... that made me smile.
> 
> You have no idea how hard it was for her those three months to lose her love for herself as well... neither do I to be honest, but if it cost her this then I can assess it must have been great for her to hurt herself as well as her partner during this time.
> 
> Fantastic story?
> 
> How about a story of this was the lowest I have ever been in my life and somehow I was able to see the damage it was causing us and got my mind and heart aligned to believe in the best we could be in spite of all our failures.
> 
> I guess that is fantastic now that I think about it.
> 
> *One can make it a life sentence or a lesson... the choice is always ours.
> *
> Do better?
> 
> Perhaps he can... perhaps she can too, who's to judge but at the same time it's easy to discard the love and grasp the hurt these days.
> 
> OP is trying to understand why this hurts him so much... maybe he is like you, or maybe for his life, the history, and the lessons learned about what love is means he shouldn't be like you. I can't tell you where he should land but in my experience, if one wants balance one has to look beyond logic because people are far from logical as much as we think ourselves to be.
> 
> Sometimes we simply have to trust the process of life and if the things hurt us to a degree we cannot overcome in our happiness then we leave them... there are times I've walked and times I've stayed, I did more growing in the staying times than walking but as always each individual's milage may vary.
> 
> We always have options to a point, it's never a dead end unless we decide it is.
> 
> *That's the beauty of U-turns.
> *
> Just my opinion, and I am not the type of person who can cheat.



This is the Day of the Emerging Buddhist.

He shined, I dim my brights in awe!

I cheat, I do!

I cheat death every day.

My cheating footsteps take my heart where my logical brain cannot.
As a Moth into Flame, into the smoke of burnt offerings. 
From one gasping, choking fool to another.


----------



## NJ2

My H struggled and prayed and went to relationship classes and seminars- all in the effort to somehow come out the other side of the mess I created. At first he said if I had told him 25 years ago he would have left me-and I robbed him of that choice - he was bitter. It was much harder to make that choice after we had made a life together. He searched for ways to heal his heart. Sometimes he couldnt take the betrayal and yelled, swore and called me names. He had previously never even raised his voice to me. 

I am sure this is where you are at now - at least in your head. ..Eventually he realized that if he had left me 25 years ago he would not have what he has today. He would not have his 3 wonderful children. He would not have the farm that I bought to make us both happy. Most importantly he realized he would not have the memories shared over the past 25 years. If he left me now he would be leaving the chance to enjoy our childrens successes and our future grandchildren together. He would rob himself of spending the rest of his years with the one person who knows him and loves him best. (despite what she did a long time ago) More importantly I am the one person he knows and loves the most.

If you - in your heart of hearts know you can't forgive her- you know that your love for her is forever tarnished - leave her. It is not fair to either of you to stay in that circumstance. You both deserve better.

However- if in your heart of hearts you love her despite her mistake- you want desperately to somehow move on from this, somehow find a way out the other side - somehow find a way for both of you to grow and learn from each other....then give
it time and seek counselling. Make a promise to yourself that you wont give up. @drifting on told me to just keep hanging on, when you want to give up just dont, find a way to keep the love.

I think you know deep inside what your end game is.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MD782 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 10 years as a couple overall. During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship. We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship. Now, today, 7 years later, I just found out that during that rough point, she slept with another guy, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now I am so confused. We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. What should I do?


She STOLE 7 years of your life, 7 years you could of spent with a loyal partner. 

You said you would not have stayed with her had you known. Well... now you know.

DIVORCE HER. See if you can get an annulment for marrying under false pretenses.


----------



## snerg

Emerging Buddhist said:


> *One can make it a life sentence or a lesson... the choice is always ours*.
> 
> .


Maybe.

However, there is a lesson.

Our actions, be they good or bad, noble or unjust, all have consequences.

The choice of our consequence is never ours to dole out.

Someone else always makes that choice for us.


----------



## manfromlamancha

First of all I cannot believe that there are those here that are even trying to blame you for her fvcking another guy. You drank. She knew. She chose to come back.

You hadn't split up. She fvcked another guy. You didn't know. You did not get the chance to decide if you should come back or not.

Huge difference!

Yes we know that a drunken spouse can be hell to live with. That is why we leave/get divorced. The drinking is in your face. You can see it. Her fvcking another guy was not apparent. He was duped!

There is no way I would believe that she had a one night stand, used a condom which didn't work, got pregnant, somehow knew she was pregnant, arranged and had an abortion - all in the space of 3-4 months!!!! She knew this guy.

And OP doesn't really know what she has been up to all this time. What he does know is she is a proven liar and a cheat. Her being "great" is highly questionable. No one knows what else she has been up to.

He needs a poly from her. Else he is always going to wonder about her.


----------



## Idyit

She terminated a life to preserve her secret. Who can know but this may weigh on her as much or moreso than her betrayal of you.

She's broken in many ways. Fixing you was easier than her trek will be. I'm not sure I could be the man to take that journey with a woman. Are you?


----------



## *Deidre*

No one should shame you for wanting to leave, but I just think people should leave or stay for the right reasons. Don't leave over pride, and don't stay because of fear. That would be my only advice. I'm torn a bit on this one.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

*Deidre* said:


> Don't leave over pride, and don't stay because of fear. o


Best piece of wisdom I've seen anywhere on the net in some time


----------



## sokillme

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Logic... that made me smile.
> 
> You have no idea how hard it was for her those three months to lose her love for herself as well... neither do I to be honest, but if it cost her this then I can assess it must have been great for her to hurt herself as well as her partner during this time.
> 
> Fantastic story?
> 
> How about a story of this was the lowest I have ever been in my life and somehow I was able to see the damage it was causing us and got my mind and heart aligned to believe in the best we could be in spite of all our failures.
> 
> I guess that is fantastic now that I think about it.
> 
> One can make it a life sentence or a lesson... the choice is always ours.
> 
> Do better?
> 
> Perhaps he can... perhaps she can too, who's to judge but at the same time it's easy to discard the love and grasp the hurt these days.
> 
> OP is trying to understand why this hurts him so much... maybe he is like you, or maybe for his life, the history, and the lessons learned about what love is means he shouldn't be like you. I can't tell you where he should land but in my experience, if one wants balance one has to look beyond logic because people are far from logical as much as we think ourselves to be.
> 
> Sometimes we simply have to trust the process of life and if the things hurt us to a degree we cannot overcome in our happiness then we leave them... there are times I've walked and times I've stayed, I did more growing in the staying times than walking but as always each individual's milage may vary.
> 
> We always have options to a point, it's never a dead end unless we decide it is.
> 
> That's the beauty of U-turns.
> 
> Just my opinion, and I am not the type of person who can cheat.


I mean her story of it being one time with a stranger is fantastic as in "imaginative or fanciful; remote from reality".


----------



## Decorum

NJ2 said:


> I really have to jump in here.....
> 
> I had an A 25 years ago for several months during a rough patch while married.
> 
> It was a dispicable horrendous immoral thing to do. There are no excuses. I made it exponentially grievous by keeping it a secret.
> 
> I broke it off, examined why I did it (immaturity, attention seeking, loneliness, parents that had multiple affairs, a brokeness that ran deep) and what steps I could take to make sure I never did anything like that again. (no OS friends, IC, MC, learn to meet my needs that H was unable to meet, communication...)
> 
> I did not tell my H for 25 years. I did not tell him because I was terrified of the consequences- he would leave me, our family would be broken, I loved him and wanted to make things work.
> 
> The guilt of what I did prevented me from having the intimate relationship that I wanted with H. It made me feel unworthy of his love and commitment. It made me question my innate character and changed the way I saw myself. I gained weight as a way of insuring that it would never happen again.
> 
> Your wife told you after 7 years. It must have been terrifying for her to admit to it. It must have been devastating for you to hear it. It does not seem like she is an evil serial adultress- just as I was not. She did a very despicable thing and made it worse by not disclosing it. She didnt want to give you the opportunity to make your decision to leave or stay back then because she thought you would leave. Cowardly and desperate but also because she loved you so much she didnt want to lose you.
> 
> Go to IC/MC and figure out how to forgive/accept and move on if you love and value your marriage. It cant be undone. Dont do this for her do this for the relationship and yourself. To leave what otherwise has been a good loving marriage now would -in my opinion- be punishing yourself as much as it would be her.
> 
> Obviously I'm biased but whatever.....It is possible for some people to make a monstrous choice because they are broken and learn from it- it doesnt always mean that they are monsters themselves or that there is a deep hole of other lies and deceptions within them.
> 
> Grow with her.





NJ2 said:


> @snerg My guess is she has doled out enough punishment to herself. Carrying that guilty secret around for 7 years. Seeing her husband (whom she loves) feel the pain and anxiety this revelation has caused . Wondering if he can ever get over it, wondering how his feelings for her will change with this new information....will he be able to get them back...
> 
> What further punishment does she need? If he wants to R he needs to worry about how he can accept and forgive her for making this past mistake. It would be wise if he helped her accept/forgive herself. There is opportunity here for them to build a deeper more intimate marriage and to grow together.
> 
> MC told H and I once that we were wasting so much time feeling bitter and finding blame we were missing out on all the opportunities we had to show each other love, warmth and compassion. This was a changing point for both of us. It rang so true. We are the ones who should have each others back and be each others soft place to fall. I try now to think how can I make H feel better instead of worse through my actions, how can I make him feel loved and understood instead of judged and small through my words.
> 
> There are always choices to be made. I have found by making these choices it benefits the giver as much as the receiver.
> 
> Isnt the goal to be happy and have a good life together? I dont think we gain much by having a life where the goal is to extract revenge and payment to even the score. Not in R anyways.


Wow, just wow! These insights show the heart of a very self-aware person. Op this is like a flashlight that can lead you and your wife out of a very dark place.
I really wish you both well. Take care.


----------



## manfromlamancha

OP, please note that I am not saying that you have to definitely leave her because of this. What I am saying is that you need the truth to start with. That is the very least she should give you. Without it you cannot possibly stay. She has to understand this. Note I said "understand" and not "know" - this means she has to appreciate and understand why you need the truth and she should be able to give it to you without holding back.


----------



## NJ2

@Decorum -thank you for your kind words.

I feel I must add that in no way was it easy to get to this point. It took 2 1/2 years of an emotional rollercoaster from hell. We both behaved shamefully towards each other at times. We were lucky that we were able to get counselling covered by insurance- and believe me we needed a lot of it!


----------



## Talker67

why, after all this time, did she tell you now? She should have taken that info TO THE GRAVE, instead of easing her conscience by destroying you with the knowledge!

she sounds selfish to me.


----------



## Decorum

NJ2 said:


> @Decorum -thank you for your kind words.
> 
> I feel I must add that in no way was it easy to get to this point. It took 2 1/2 years of an emotional rollercoaster from hell. We both behaved shamefully towards each other at times. We were lucky that we were able to get counselling covered by insurance- and believe me we needed a lot of it!


You are welcome of course, but you deserve them.

I believe you that this was hard won, and that's why it is all too rare.
(Of course you felt the need to be honest about the difficulty. Ha ha ha I love that.)

This kind of objectivity really is something of tremendous value, because it empowers you to make choices, and exercise self control in order to heal and build up rather than teardown.

Sometimes our greatest weaknesses result in the growth of our love and character in a way nothing else can, and I think that is the purpose of the journey.

Regards,
D


----------



## Jus260

Tatsuhiko said:


> Don't listen to any "advice" that justifies her cheating. She should have gotten help for you or divorced you before sleeping with another man while keeping you in the wings. While your alcoholism was problematic, in NO WAY did it justify her behavior, despite how some people might misinterpret 12-step philosophies.


People are talking about this as if you are trading two bad contracts in baseball. Because she accepted his bad contract, he is obligated to accept her bad deal. I've watched enough sports to know that no trade is ever fair. Someone always gets screwed. Rarely do both teams get equal value. 

The problem with boards like this is these stories come from nameless faceless people. We get a little bit of information then create the rest of the story ourselves subconsciously. 

She had a right to leave when he was drinking. Just as he has a right to leave now if that's even what he wants.


----------



## naiveonedave

Jus260 said:


> She had a right to leave when he was drinking. Just as he has a right to leave now if that's even what he wants.


She didn't leave.


----------



## Bibi1031

naiveonedave said:


> She didn't leave.


She didn't leave physically from thr residence, but she was moving on with her life. The opportunity arose for getting back together with OP and she took it. Her mistake was not coming clean then. Thst is why it is much difficult for him now. He has a right to tske his time and process what he has just recently been privy to and make a decision when he is good and ready to do so.


----------



## Jus260

MD782 said:


> The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated. It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle. I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. It was just very bad communication. I know this situation is what drove her to do what she did. I understand that. I am still hurt by what she did, but it hurts even more because it's been hidden for so long.
> 
> *There is a very very slim chance that the 5 year old is not mine. I do want to get a DNA test now* just because of all the confusion, betrayal, and dishonesty.


If the rough patch was 7 years ago, why do you think you need to DNA the child? Other people in this thread are giving advice under the assumption that she had no other history of affairs. This implies you think something could have happened 2 years after the rough patch.

I would prefer to ask questions rather than give advice in this case.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Talker67 said:


> why, after all this time, did she tell you now? She should have taken that info TO THE GRAVE, instead of easing her conscience by destroying you with the knowledge!
> 
> she sounds selfish to me.


If she was wanting to assuage her guilt, she would have told him spontaneously. but he had to press her into disclosure. This doesn't sound like her first motivation was to unburden herself. 

Regardless of her motives, he has every right to know who he's living with.


----------



## Jus260

naiveonedave said:


> She didn't leave.


Does that mean he no longer has rights because she didn't leave? I don't understand the point you are making.


----------



## Jus260

NJ2 said:


> @snerg
> 
> MC told H and I once that we were wasting so much time feeling bitter and finding blame we were missing out on all the opportunities we had to show each other love, warmth and compassion. This was a changing point for both of us. It rang so true. We are the ones who should have each others back and be each others soft place to fall. I try now to think how can I make H feel better instead of worse through my actions, how can I make him feel loved and understood instead of judged and small through my words.


Would your assessment be that your therapist was basically telling you "You need to get over it. It's obvious neither of you is going to leave the other. If after 25 years you are in a codependent relationship, it's pointless to sit here and be angry with each other?". When I read that paragraph, I thought that's what I was reading but your wording is obviously not as harsh.


----------



## naiveonedave

Jus260 said:


> Does that mean he no longer has rights because she didn't leave? I don't understand the point you are making.


 @Bibi1031 - I don't know how to multiply reply, since you both asked the same thing.

If she wanted out of the relationship, she should have gotten a D, not cheated. That is all. If she wanted to cheat/date/whatever with other men, separation with clear defined "we can see others" or D should have been done. I don't excuse his drinking and I don't excuse her cheating.


----------



## NJ2

Jus260 said:


> Would your assessment be that your therapist was basically telling you "You need to get over it. It's obvious neither of you is going to leave the other. If after 25 years you are in a codependent relationship, it's pointless to sit here and be angry with each other?". When I read that paragraph, I thought that's what I was reading but your wording is obviously not as harsh.


 -Im sure that we tried her patience at the best of times. She got to know us pretty well over the years and often said it was abundantly clear that we still loved each other even through the mess. 

Youre right -she did not think either of us was going to leave and she did think that I was codependent (but not him) I went to a support group but did not feel like I belonged there.

It turned out that I had relationship/cheating OCD. Quite different from codependency. My brain got stuck on the notion that he was cheating (red flags , no proof) The obsession raised me to a toxic level of stalking him (which he knew about). I am now on OCD medication which has greatly reduced my symptoms. H understands those aspects of my behaviour were out of my control at the time and has accepted his responsibility for adding fuel to the fire.

It is pretty simple when you put it like that- if you are dead set on R then you might as well quit fighting and actually work on making it better. The problem is when you are in the midst of it it is difficult to find and keep your emotions on an even keel. We would have wonderful weeks where we were like newlyweds and horrible days where we were like Frank and Monica from Shameless. We were watching the episode where they were renewing their vows and it broke out into a brawl....we looked at each other and said Oh my god we've turned into Frank and Monica....aren't so much better than that?!

Bit of a thread Jack...


----------



## Bibi1031

Jus260 said:


> Would your assessment be that your therapist was basically telling you "You need to get over it. It's obvious neither of you is going to leave the other. If after 25 years you are in a codependent relationship, it's pointless to sit here and be angry with each other?". When I read that paragraph, I thought that's what I was reading but your wording is obviously not as harsh.


Pretty much, a therapist will flat out ask what it is you two want. If you want to work on the marriage, then you do need to let go of the anger, guilt, revenge, etc that will hinder your progress of the goal at hand which is to move on to a healthier, happier relationship together. Codependent is something we as couples do most of our lives in some form or fashion. So saying that this couple is codependent is not necessarily a bad thing. Unless it is meant as the relationship is being dysfunctional. It is not dysfunctional if they have learned to forgive each other's trespasses a live a fuller married life. They have had difficulty getting to the end goal, but timelines are different for everyone.


----------



## Bibi1031

naiveonedave said:


> @Bibi1031
> 
> If she wanted out of the relationship, she should have gotten a D, not cheated. That is all. If she wanted to cheat/date/whatever with other men, separation with clear defined "we can see others" or D should have been done. I don't excuse his drinking and I don't excuse her cheating.


Well geez, if everyone did things that nicely, most of us would have a ton less scars to carry around, the reality is very different though. Relationships that are in trouble are messy, this one is no exception.

Just because they were living in the same place doesn't mean anything. They were both pretty much doing their own thing. People here keep getting stuck in the part where they were still together because they were living together and that is not one bit true. OP even stated that the details about that patch were not clear because the communication between them was terrible. She was going out and he was staying home every night drinking. They were doing their own thing. The fact that she didn't tell him she had been with someone else during this rough patch/separation is what makes it so darn deceitful. It may or may not have been cheating, but boy was it deceitful, it surely was. That is 100% on her.  She is paying dearly for it now though. He needs time to process the whole truth now and what he can and cannot accept in this relationship going forward.


----------



## naiveonedave

Bibi1031 said:


> Well geez, if everyone did things that nicely, most of us would have a ton less scars to carry around, the reality is very different though. Relationships that are in trouble are messy, this one is no exception.
> 
> Just because they were living in the same place doesn't mean anything. They were both pretty much doing their own thing. People here keep getting stuck in the part where they were still together because they were living together and that is not one bit true. OP even stated that the details about that patch were not clear because the communication between them was terrible. She was going out and he was staying home every night drinking. They were doing their own thing. The fact that she didn't tell him she had been with someone else during this rough patch/separation is what makes it so darn deceitful. It may or may not have been cheating, but boy was it deceitful, it surely was. That is 100% on her. She is paying dearly for it now though. He needs time to process the whole truth now and what he can and cannot accept in this relationship going forward.


Unmitigated BULL. Cheating is cheating. Being an alcoholic is being an alcoholic. Both are severely wrong. Of course she is paying the price, she bloody well cheated, DUH. If you are married and living under the same roof and don't have a written separation agreement that states you are clear and free to date, YOU are cheating. Even if she was 100% sure they were going to be finished, put the last nail in the coffin before sowing your wild oats. NOT a hard concept.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

They weren't married then. Op doesn't even remember most of that time due to his drinking or what was said or what arrangements they had. 

But once he was sober it was her obligation to tell him what happened.


----------



## TRy

MD782 said:


> We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking.





MD782 said:


> I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people.


 If you "lived in the same apartment", and did not "explicitly" say that you were done and "should see other people" (you have to clearly say it for it to be so), then it was cheating.


----------



## TRy

Bibi1031 said:


> People here keep getting stuck in the part where they were still together because they were living together and that is not one bit true. OP even stated that the details about that patch were not clear because the communication between them was terrible.


 They were in a exclusive relationship when they moved in together, thus living together was a solidification of that relationship. For the exclusive part of the relationship to end, it must be clearly communicated. Contrary to cheaters logic, if you did't say it, you didn't do it. 

Westley: "If you didn't say it, you didn't do it." - Princess Bride (Movie)


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Is the OP saying that the break up conversation never happened or that he doesn't remember if it did or not due to his drinking? 

I had to tell my ex I was leaving almost daily. He "forgot" cause he was drinking too much. 

There was nothing I could clearly communicate with him at that time. 
He didn't remember most things and wouldn't speak to me a lot. I'd end up in a motel for a night and he'd have no idea why the next day. 

When he got sober is when she needed to clearly communicate. You just can't with someone who is drinking.


----------



## Bibi1031

MD782 said:


> During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship. We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship.


Ignored the relationship, pretty much means he left the relationship. Well, what was good for the goose was good for the gander. She left the relationship too. Communication back then was terrible. She may have said it or she may have not, but they were both done with the relationship when she moved on. 



MD782 said:


> *The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated.* It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. *We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle.** I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. **It was just very bad communication.* I know this situation is what drove her to do what she did. I understand that. I am still hurt by what she did, but it hurts even more because it's been hidden for so long.


You (meaning TAM members) guys are actually stating that they were not separated 100% as true, but he quite frankly can't remember. What he does know for sure is that he should have been told the truth when they decided to patch things up after a couple of months. She should of told him then. He deserved the truth so that he could decide whether or not to get back together with her. The deceit is 100% clear. The cheating is NOT!


----------



## manfromlamancha

They were together not because they were living together, but because THEY WERE TOGETHER! They did not say that they had split up - they just were not talking to each other and ignoring each other. He described it as a "rough patch". She cheated pure and simple!


Now on to a point that many are ignoring - she claims a one off fvck during which she got pregnant and needed an abortion. Show of hands please on how many really believe that is what happened ? How about, she had a boyfriend for a while and got pregnant as a result of many a fvck and then decided not to have the baby. How about the possibility that it was more than one man and she might not have known who the real dad was ? More believable ?


----------



## Bibi1031

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Is the OP saying that the break up conversation never happened or that he doesn't remember if it did or not due to his drinking?
> 
> I had to tell my ex I was leaving almost daily. He "forgot" cause he was drinking too much.
> 
> There was nothing I could clearly communicate with him at that time.
> He didn't remember most things and wouldn't speak to me a lot. I'd end up in a motel for a night and he'd have no idea why the next day.
> 
> When he got sober is when she needed to clearly communicate. You just can't with someone who is drinking.


I had the same issue with my first X. He could not accept some of the parts of our conversations and didn't remember them altogether. It is not one bit uncommon to have selective memory/memory loss when going through trauma, rough patches, separation, etc.


----------



## Bibi1031

manfromlamancha said:


> They were together not because they were living together, but because THEY WERE TOGETHER! They did not say that they had split up - they just were not talking to each other and ignoring each other. He described it as a "rough patch". She cheated pure and simple!
> 
> 
> *Now on to a point that many are ignoring - she claims a one off fvck during which she got pregnant and needed an abortion. Show of hands please on how many really believe that is what happened ? How about, she had a boyfriend for a while and got pregnant as a result of many a fvck and then decided not to have the baby. How about the possibility that it was more than one man and she might not have known who the real dad was ? More believable ?[*/quote]
> 
> Exactly how does taking a pole on something that is a figment of your imagination helping OP with his issue? She said ONS, OP repeated what she said. Were you privy to something OP was not?


----------



## manfromlamancha

Bibi1031 said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> 
> They were together not because they were living together, but because THEY WERE TOGETHER! They did not say that they had split up - they just were not talking to each other and ignoring each other. He described it as a "rough patch". She cheated pure and simple!
> 
> 
> *Now on to a point that many are ignoring - she claims a one off fvck during which she got pregnant and needed an abortion. Show of hands please on how many really believe that is what happened ? How about, she had a boyfriend for a while and got pregnant as a result of many a fvck and then decided not to have the baby. How about the possibility that it was more than one man and she might not have known who the real dad was ? More believable ?[*/quote]
> 
> Exactly how does taking a pole on something that is a figment of your imagination helping OP with his issue? She said ONS, OP repeated what she said. Were you privy to something OP was not?
> 
> 
> 
> This isn't a poll. It is a rhetorical question. She also said that a condom was used and then backtracked on that. We know that she is a liar - fact! We know that she is a cheat - fact! My comment was that the ONS story is most likely a lie to lighten the cheating. TAM collective experience knows this to be generally true. So how about helping the OP to uncover the truth by pointing out that this most likely is a lie too, so that he can get to the truth - poly or whatever it takes. Thats how it is helping the OP.
Click to expand...


----------



## snerg

Bibi1031 said:


> I had the same issue with my first X. He could not accept some of the parts of our conversations and didn't remember them altogether. It is not one bit uncommon to have selective memory/memory loss when going through trauma, rough patches, separation, etc.


By that logic, the wife /girlfriend/partner (or whatever she is/was/will be), must have had many years of selective memory/memory loss after her affair.

Otherwise she would have been honest and told him what she had done.


----------



## TRy

Using the logic of a few of the posters to this thread, every time my wife and I go through a rough patch were we stop communicating well, I could have assumed that we were on break, and could have had a few one night stands without it being cheating. Now you tell me. Who knew?


----------



## Bibi1031

TRy said:


> Using the logic of a few of the posters to this thread, every time my wife and I go through a rough patch were we stop communicating well, I could have assumed that we were on break, and could have had a few one night stands without it being cheating. Now you tell me. Who knew?


Well if your "rough patches" are over 3 or 4 months at a time and you are flat out drunk when you two do manage to exchange conversation; you may very well need to have your kids DNA tested. If you can manage to sober up enough to cheat, well so can she.

:lol:


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Ya... a rough patch it a lot different than months of being so drunk you don't even know what went on. For all he knows she did break up with him. He doesn't remember anything from that time. When he got sober she needed to tell him, preferably with a counselor to help him deal with it without relapse. But unless you've dealt with a drunk, you don't know how bad it is. It's not a rough patch. It's hell.


----------



## Blondilocks

His wife may have not told him right away because she didn't want to give him an excuse to crawl back into the bottle. 

DNA your daughter and then see if you have it in you to forgive yourself and her.


----------



## Bibi1031

manfromlamancha said:


> Bibi1031 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This isn't a poll. It is a rhetorical question. She also said that a condom was used and then backtracked on that. We know that she is a liar - fact! We know that she is a cheat - fact! My comment was that the ONS story is most likely a lie to lighten the cheating. TAM collective experience knows this to be generally true. So how about helping the OP to uncover the truth by pointing out that this most likely is a lie too, so that he can get to the truth - poly or whatever it takes. Thats how it is helping the OP.
> 
> 
> 
> More of your ridiculous conjectures thrown out as truths here. Where is your PROOF that she backtracked about using a condom? OP never stated that.
> 
> Rhetorical question? Yeah right! It was a poll clear as day. You were enticing others to side with your conjectures and that serves no purpose at all. Just like the flat out lie that she backtracked and really didn't use a condom. :liar:
Click to expand...


----------



## ConanHub

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya... a rough patch it a lot different than months of being so drunk you don't even know what went on. For all he knows she did break up with him. He doesn't remember anything from that time. When he got sober she needed to tell him, preferably with a counselor to help him deal with it without relapse. But unless you've dealt with a drunk, you don't know how bad it is. It's not a rough patch. It's hell.


I drank hard for about a year and withdrew from Mrs. Conan emotionally and physically.

I was severely depressed and almost killed myself.

Good time for her to wh0re herself out? F around on me?

During that time, I never initiated sex and rejected her more times than I can count.

She went through some hell as I went through mine.

Fng around on me, getting pregnant and getting an abortion during that low point in my life would have probably ended us and maybe pushed me over the edge into taking my life, the OM's life, or both.

OP's wife was a blatant betraying, lying, self serving cheater for a time and she has no Goddamned excuse!

Facing facts and hard/painful truth is the only way to rebuild anything. Reconciliation or not.


----------



## TRy

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya... a rough patch it a lot different than months of being so drunk you don't even know what went on. For all he knows she did break up with him. He doesn't remember anything from that time. When he got sober she needed to tell him, preferably with a counselor to help him deal with it without relapse. But unless you've dealt with a drunk, you don't know how bad it is. It's not a rough patch. It's hell.


 About the rough patch, the OP stated that "The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated. It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle. I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. It was just very bad communication." You are incorrectly assuming that the OP saying "that it is hard to remember all the details", was him saying that he was "so drunk" that he "don't even know what went on"; but since his main complaint is that she did not tell him it for so many years, I read it as it being so long ago "that it is hard to remember all the details". BTW notice how the OP called it a "rough patch" and not a drunken stupor?


----------



## SunCMars

ConanHub said:


> I drank hard for about a year and withdrew from Mrs. Conan emotionally and physically.
> 
> I was severely depressed and almost killed myself.
> 
> Good time for her to wh0re herself out? F around on me?
> 
> During that time, I never initiated sex and rejected her more times than I can count.
> 
> She went through some hell as I went through mine.
> 
> Fng around on me, getting pregnant and getting an abortion during that low point in my life would have probably ended us and maybe pushed me over the edge into taking my life, the OM's life, or both.
> 
> OP's wife was a blatant betraying, lying, self serving cheater for a time and she has no Goddamned excuse!
> 
> Facing facts and hard/painful truth is the only way to rebuild anything. Reconciliation or not.


Normally, I would agree with this 100%.

Two things.

1} Being dust, having a dream for a spine I have softened my rigid posture. Am getting older too. A lot of things just aren't as important.

2) Both my parents and their families were WWII vets, some of the women too.
They all became raging drunks. I lived my entire childhood with crazy drunken [functioning] alcoholics.

I learned to hate all of them. They were selfish and 'out of their minds'. I have no pity on alcoholics, lost drug users.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Bibi1031 said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> 
> More of your ridiculous conjectures thrown out as truths here. Where is your PROOF that she backtracked about using a condom? OP never stated that.
> 
> Rhetorical question? Yeah right! It was a poll clear as day. You were enticing others to side with your conjectures and that serves no purpose at all. Just like the flat out lie that she backtracked and really didn't use a condom. :liar:
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure why you are so eager to justify what she did. Maybe backtracking is not the right word - this is what she said:
> 
> 
> She met this guy just once (didn't keep in touch with him after).
> 
> They used a condom - so they were prepared ?
> 
> However, she got pregnant - despite the condom ?
> 
> She arranged for and got an abortion - without enough time to think about it ?
> 
> Perhaps implausible is a better word or to put it simply - it does not hold water. So possible but not probable.
> 
> I am not trying to "entice" others to "side" with my conjectures. This is not a competition between you and I. The OP has to be prepared to ask the right questions should it come down to a poly.
> 
> But since you are addressing me directly - lets ask the question: does this situation touch upon some raw nerve of yours in your past ? If you asked me the same question, I'd say yes. Many raw nerves! However, I am not letting that get the better of me. OP needs to know the truth and the right questions to ask.
Click to expand...


----------



## Adelais

MD782 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We have been together for 10 years as a couple overall. During the 4th year of our relationship, we went through a rough time. *I was drinking a lot and ignored the relationship.* We eventually patched things up a couple months after and decided to continue working on our relationship. Now, today, 7 years later, I just found out that during that rough point, she slept with another guy, she got pregnant and had an abortion. Now I am so confused. We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. What should I do?


I am never an advocate of infidelity, no matter how bad the marriage. However, if you were drinking and ignored the relationship, as you say (I can't believe I'm even saying this) and she has stayed with you after her affair, marrying you, you need to deal with your feelings, and live in the present.

You weren't married when she cheated on you. She stayed with you after you got sober, and she married you. Be thankful she didn't leave you when you were a drunk. Most women would not have put up with that for one week.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

TRy said:


> About the rough patch, the OP stated that "The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated. It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle. I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. It was just very bad communication." You are incorrectly assuming that the OP saying "that it is hard to remember all the details", was him saying that he was "so drunk" that he "don't even know what went on"; but since his main complaint is that she did not tell him it for so many years, I read it as it being so long ago "that it is hard to remember all the details". BTW notice how the OP called it a "rough patch" and not a drunken stupor?


This is fair too, I had read into it that the lack of memory and fuzzy details was due to the drinking. 

I really have no opinion on the is it cheating is it not part. Just that being around a drunk is hell. The alcoholic suffers but the ones around them usually suffer more. It's a nightmare. My ex will never know the hell I was in daily. I told him sometimes when he was sober and he was shocked by how much it affected me but he doesn't get it. I don't think anyone should downplay what out of control drinking does to the people around them. It can have the same emotional response and trauma as an affair can. 
So I don't consider it just a rough patch even if that's the word op used. 

What she did during the time matters less to me than the fact that she didn't tell him when he was sober so he had all the details. 
With someone there to help him. 

That's where any of her reasons go down the tube. He needed all the information to decide if he would continue with the relationship


----------



## TRy

manfromlamancha said:


> Bibi1031 said:
> 
> 
> 
> this is what she said:
> 
> 
> She met this guy just once (didn't keep in touch with him after).
> 
> They used a condom - so they were prepared ?
> 
> However, she got pregnant - despite the condom ?
> 
> She arranged for and got an abortion - without enough time to think about it ?
> 
> Perhaps implausible is a better word or to put it simply - it does not hold water. So possible but not probable.
> 
> 
> 
> :smthumbup:
> QFT (Quoted for truth)!!!!
Click to expand...


----------



## GusPolinski

FFS people... fix your broken quote tags.

Geez.


----------



## Bibi1031

SunCMars said:


> Normally, I would agree with this 100%.
> 
> Two things.
> 
> 1} Being dust, having a dream for a spine I have softened my rigid posture. Am getting older too. A lot of things just aren't as important.
> 
> 2) Both my parents and their families were WWII vets, some of the women too.
> They all became raging drunks. I lived my entire childhood with crazy drunken [functioning] alcoholics.
> 
> I learned to hate all of them. They were selfish and 'out of their minds'. I have no pity on alcoholics, lost drug users.


I totally agree. They cheat and rob time and attention with a different outlet instead of a human one. Same nasty difference in my book. Yet some here seem to place the OM/OW in a different type of cheating. That arguement is very weak and won't stand plain and simple. C'est la vie!


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yep. I told my ex that not only did he choose beer over me and the kids daily, he left me. Every night sober him left and he forced me to live with drunk him. I hated drunk him. Violent, angry hate. I loved sober him. I begged sober him that if he loved me he wouldn't leave me with drunk him. Protect me from the evil person who comes in my home and replaces you every night. 

My mind literally had to seperate him into 2 different people because it felt like it was. 

I got panic attacks and triggers, I couldn't sleep in the home and slept in the shed or a motel many nights. I slept in my jacket and shoes on the floor by the door other nights. Id wait outside until I could hear him snore, that he passed out. 

The sound of a beer cracking made me have panic attacks and I couldn't breathe or move. 

His cheating was bad, he did that too. I know that pain. But don't underestimate what damage drinking can do too. Truly for me it was much worse.


----------



## GusPolinski

TRy said:


> Using the logic of a few of the posters to this thread, every time my wife and I go through a rough patch were we stop communicating well, I could have assumed that we were on break, and could have had a few one night stands without it being cheating. Now you tell me. Who knew?


----------



## GusPolinski

If OP's wife's ONS and subsequent abortion did not occur during a point in their relationship in which they'd mutually agreed to break up/see other people, then I'd advise him to view all of it as betrayal/infidelity and respond accordingly.


----------



## ConanHub

SunCMars said:


> Normally, I would agree with this 100%.
> 
> Two things.
> 
> 1} Being dust, having a dream for a spine I have softened my rigid posture. Am getting older too. A lot of things just aren't as important.
> 
> 2) Both my parents and their families were WWII vets, some of the women too.
> They all became raging drunks. I lived my entire childhood with crazy drunken [functioning] alcoholics.
> 
> I learned to hate all of them. They were selfish and 'out of their minds'. I have no pity on alcoholics, lost drug users.


I grew up around alcoholics as well and despised it.

Going through a low point in your life and hitting the bottle to kill the pain or depression is a different animal.

3-4 months is actually not an overly long stretch to go through it and come out.

I'm not advocating for R or D here but the truth is she behaved like a depraved gutter skank at least long enough to get pregnant and have an abortion to cover it up. All while still coming home to her man who she never left or mentioned anything to.

Very slimy behavior. She obviously didn't want to lose him otherwise she wouldn't have kept her trash a secret from him and she would have truly moved on and out.

She had a typical cheater's selfish motivation for manipulating their SO for the best outcome for the cheater.

It does sound like the guilt was eating her up so she isn't heartless but certainly selfish.


----------



## Bibi1031

manfromlamancha said:


> But since you are addressing me directly - lets ask the question: *does this situation touch upon some raw nerve of yours in your past ?* If you asked me the same question, I'd say yes. Many raw nerves! However, I am not letting that get the better of me. OP needs to know the truth and the right questions to ask.


Why yes it does and I posted part of why I reacted the way I did with this particular situation. It is all too familiar to me. Here is that quote I posted on this very thread:



Bibi1031 said:


> honestly, i saw that they were separated but living in the same place because I saw this story so ften at my part time job at the shelter that I am biased. He also mentioned that they decided to get back together. If they weren't separated during the rough patch then why did they get back together? That is what doesn't make sense and lead me to believe they were just roomates during that time.
> 
> If they were living together, but building seperate lives then "technically" she was not cheating; she was moving on.


And speaking of raw nerves @ConanHub latest post here really hit home in regards to me seeing alcohol and drug abuse worse than someone cheating with a human being and here is why. 

When I was working at the shelter the very first real ugly thing I witnessed was when 3 little ones were brought in because daddy in his drunken stupor (like was usual for him at that time) beat up mom because she was cheating, threw a loveseat on mom's back, raped her after he pulled her out from the bottom of the loveseat, and then dragged her outside their apartment's front lawn because she couldn't walk the hell out of there. The neighbors helped by calling 911. Well, the woman was not able to defend herself because her husband broke her back when he threw the couch on her back. Long and sad story short; the woman ended up paralyzed from the neck down, the drunk went to jail, and the poor kids ended up in foster care. So we know how those poor kids eventually turned out when they grew up. They didn't stand a chance of having a healthy adult life after that and then being thrown into the foster system which we know is far from great as well. 

No one should take matters into their own hands when they find out infidelity occurred. You simply let that person go and live your life the best way you can without their cheating arse in your life again. The best revenge is living a great life!


----------



## ConanHub

Bibi1031 said:


> Why yes it does and I posted part of why I reacted the way I did with this particular situation. It is all too familiar to me. Here is that quote I posted on this very thread:
> 
> 
> 
> And speaking of raw nerves @ConanHub latest post here really hit home in regards to me seeing alcohol and drug abuse worse than someone cheating with a human being and here is why.
> 
> When I was working at the shelter the very first real ugly thing I witnessed was when 3 little ones were brought in because daddy in his drunken stupor (like was usual for him at that time) beat up mom because she was cheating, threw a loveseat on mom's back, raped her after he pulled her out from the bottom of the loveseat, and then dragged her outside their apartment's front lawn because she couldn't walk the hell out of there. The neighbors helped by calling 911. Well, the woman was not able to defend herself because her husband broke her back when he threw the couch on her back. Long and sad story short; the woman ended up paralyzed from the neck down, the drunk went to jail, and the poor kids ended up in foster care. So we know how those poor kids eventually turned out when they grew up. They didn't stand a chance of having a healthy adult life after that and then being thrown into the foster system which we know is far from great as well.
> 
> No one should take matters into their own hands when they find out infidelity occurred. You simply let that person go and live your life the best way you can without their cheating arse in your life again. The best revenge is living a great life!


This one was all over the map! LOL! 

That is a terrible story but not applicable to a low point where someone crawls in the bottle for a few months.

I did it for a year and am in no way like the rapist in your story.

OP isn't anything like that either or his wife is a masochist.

Going through a low point or rough patch is a piss poor excuse to cheat, get pregnant and then an abortion to cover it up!

I've been through some rough patches with Mrs. C in the 26 years we've had together.

I have actually been tempted to cheat or leave her but have never acted on it and I never would.

The OP hitting the bottle for a few months was a bad choice but out in the open and she never left.

Her skankery and subsequent abortion were terrible choices that she kept in the dark for her own selfish reasons.

Both their actions need addressed. His probably already have been addressed and dealt with as they were not hidden.

Her behavior has never been addressed or dealt with and has been compounded by years of lies by at least omission.

Big hurdles here but ignoring them will absolutely result in an unhealthy outcome.


----------



## Bibi1031

ConanHub said:


> This one was all over the map! LOL!
> 
> That is a terrible story but not applicable to a low point where someone crawls in the bottle for a few months.
> 
> I did it for a year and am in no way like the rapist in your story.
> 
> OP isn't anything like that either or his wife is a masochist.
> 
> Going through a low point or rough patch is a piss poor excuse to cheat, get pregnant and then an abortion to cover it up!
> 
> I've been through some rough patches with Mrs. C in the 26 years we've had together.
> 
> I have actually been tempted to cheat or leave her but have never acted on it and I never would.
> 
> The OP hitting the bottle for a few months was a bad choice but out in the open and she never left.
> 
> Her skankery and subsequent abortion were terrible choices that she kept in the dark for her own selfish reasons.
> 
> Both their actions need addressed. His probably already have been addressed and dealt with as they were not hidden.
> 
> Her behavior has never been addressed or dealt with and has been compounded by years of lies by at least omission.
> 
> Big hurdles here but ignoring them will absolutely result in an unhealthy outcome.


Not all over the map at all. This man would mistreat his whole family for years, yet his sense of entitlement was mind boggling. Why did he feel entitled to do with his wife what he did? He thought she deserved that and even threw her out because she was trash for cheating on him? WTF. He was negligent and hitting the bottle for years! Why did he think her offense to his manhood was worse than his neglect and mistreatment for years?

He had the nerve to think that the woman was faking not being able to get up. He didn't believe the cops when they came to arrest him. Talk about drunken stupidity on this man's part!


----------



## ConanHub

Bibi1031 said:


> Not all over the map at all. This man would mistreat his whole family for years, yet his sense of entitlement was mind boggling. Why did he feel entitled to do with his wife what he did? He thought she deserved that and even threw her out because she was trash for cheating on him? WTF. He was negligent and hitting the bottle for years! Why did he think her offense to his manhood was worse than his neglect and mistreatment for years?
> 
> He had the nerve to think that the woman was faking not being able to get up. He didn't believe the cops when they came to arrest him. Talk about drunken stupidity on this man's part!


Your story is absolutely terrible but not applicable to the situation on this thread.

The man in your story is terrible. He definitely sounds worse than his cheating wife.


----------



## Bibi1031

I agree that this story is extreme, but it is applicable to the story because mom and the children were sadly regulars at the shelter. She was just biting time to save enough money to leave her husband. She told us he was furious with her because she refused to sleep with him because she was tired of him being nasty to her and only used her for sex. We had no idea she was cheating, but it is quite frankly not surprising in that line of work I used to be in. I only saw the side of the story that had to do with the women, as this was a woman's shelter and of course we took in kids as well. 

Many of the women were with their abusive spouses because they couldn't find the means to get out and not because they saw their husband's as husbands at all. It was because they literally had no where else to go yet. Roommates so to speak. That is why I saw this case in that same way. Just because people are supposed to clearly state they are done and moving on without moving out doesn't mean people don't do this many times. Sadly, this is pretty standard in this line of work.


----------



## ABHale

MD782 said:


> The specifics of the rough patch are what makes this situation complicated. It is hard to remember all the details but it lasted about 3-4 months. We still lived in the same apartment but were not really talking. There was very bad communication during this time. She would go out with her friends at times and I would usually stay home every night drinking from the bottle. I do not remember explicitly saying we are done or we should see other people. It was just very bad communication. *I know this situation is what drove her to do what she did. I understand that.* I am still hurt by what she did, but it hurts even more because it's been hidden for so long.
> 
> There is a very very slim chance that the 5 year old is not mine. I do want to get a DNA test now just because of all the confusion, betrayal, and dishonesty.


You did not cause her to cheat!

The situation did not cause her to cheat!

She had a ONS because she wanted to. She had sex with another man because she wanted to. She did it because she just didn't give a damn about you. 

Do the DNA test asap.


----------



## ConanHub

@Bibi1031

I didn't get that impression at all from the OP.

I don't see personality similarities between the loser in your story and OP.


----------



## Bibi1031

ConanHub said:


> @Bibi1031
> 
> I didn't get that impression at all from the OP.
> 
> I don't see personality similarities between the loser in your story and OP.


I know. My focus is on the women in the two stories. It's not really the men per say. The reaction of the men here on TAM is what prompted me to put out here a different spin to why women move on when they are living in an abusive situation. It used to be very common in my neck of the woods for the women not to disclose that they were done. Sadly, most used OM as a crutch to help them get out of the hell they were living with a spouse that was either always drunk or stoned or both. This of course further compounded their problems, but they were weak, broken people who sought comfort in other sick, abusive, broken people and the cycle of mistreatment continued with a new partner and maybe even a worse hell. 

The women were done and didn't leave the living quarters they shared with their abusers because they couldn't at the time, and they couldn't be honest either or they were thrown out in the street and had to seek refuge in the shelter until the cops intervened and they could either go back to their homes or find another place to stay. Our shelter was temporary. After the system figured out what to do, they had to go elsewhere. Most women and children in the shelter where I used to work, could stay there no longer than 3 to 5 days.

That shelter's door was figuratively a revolving door and the stories were many and sadly quite similar too.


----------



## OldGoat

I understand what you're going through. I'm in a similar situation. My wife confessed to cheating on me, multiple times, before we got married. She acts like it was no big deal because we weren't married, but we were exclusive and supposedly in love. I wasn't seeing anyone else and she repeatedly told me she wasn't seeing anyone else either. Until years later, married with kids, I find out she was cheating on me prolificly during a time I thought was so special. It's been several years since I found out and it still hurts. I've tried to move on and accept her as a new person, but I'm still struggling with trust. She lies so well, I worry she could easily cheat again and I wouldn't suspect a thing. Honestly, if we didn't have kids, I probably would have divorced her. It's a harder call with kids. For me, it's all about them. What's best for your kid? I honestly don't know. I'm trying to figure it out too. I understand the confusion.


----------



## manfromlamancha

He was drinking and was depressed - not communicating enough with his girlfriend. Hardly an abusive situation! Nothing like your shelter situation.

She doesn't communicate with him either and says its because he was drinking. So … they hit a "rough patch" which goes on for a few months. Nothing else is decided - no separation, no ending the relationship, nothing! During this time she finds a guy, has sex with him (allegedly just once). Gets pregnant despite using condoms on that one and only time! Finds out she is pregnant even though she used condoms. Arranges for and has an abortion. And then carries on with life and eventually gets married to her boyfriend.

If there was any abuse then his pales into insignificance compared to what must really have happened with her. Which is why she did not tell him. As others have said, his drinking was there for all to see, criticise and for him to fix. Her cheating wasn't and she never got fixed!


----------



## syhoybenden

Hey OldGoat . 

Start a thread all of your own. Lay your situation out there and what is going through your mind and life. New insights abound here. Open up to them.


----------



## Bibi1031

It is not as simple as most put it here. Addictions destroy relationships as much or more than infidelity. Minimizing OP part in destabilizing the relationship doesn't fly here. The rough patch was 3-4 months, it isn't the total length of time he was drinking. The actual length of time was not disclosed by OP. 

The rough patch was the worst of it because he was pretty much living for the addiction and nothing or no one else mattered. Big difference in timing now eh? This is abuse in the form of neglect for sure!

Stop minimizing what he did and magnifying what his wife did. They both messed up royally!


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Drinking can be a form of abuse on the spouse. Yes it can be just as bad as cheating and have the same trauma and damage. 

Saying things like he was only drinking for 4 months is like saying "he was only having an affair for 4 months" 

I agree bibi. People need to stop minimizing what drinking does to a relationship and their spouse.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Drinking can be a form of abuse on the spouse. Yes it can be just as bad as cheating and have the same trauma and damage.
> 
> Saying things like he was only drinking for 4 months is like saying "he was only having an affair for 4 months"
> 
> I agree bibi. People need to stop minimizing what drinking does to a relationship and their spouse.


I don't think either is an excuse to cheat. If she had broken up with him I would have been right there with you.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

sokillme said:


> I don't think either is an excuse to cheat. If she had broken up with him I would have been right there with you.


I'm not saying it was an excuse to cheat. There's just no need to minimize his drinking in any way because she also did something wrong.


----------



## sokillme

He is not drinking now. We need our spouses to love us and fight for us not abandon us when we are in crisis.


----------



## Bibi1031

sokillme said:


> He is not drinking now. We need our spouses to love us and fight for us not abandon us when we are in crisis.


She is not chearing now either!


----------



## sokillme

Bibi1031 said:


> She is not chearing now either!


The point was he was at his lowest. It doesn't sound like he was beating her or anything, it sounds like he was sad and struggling and his way of dealing with it was to get drunk. Her response was to go find someone else. That is not real love to me, not after 3 months. 3 years I can see it, 3 months nah.

So many of these cheaters have no loyalty. They don't even understand the concept. They are really not worth the effort.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

As low of a time as he was having, hers was likely worse at that time. That is the point. Drinking affects the ones you love more than yourself. She was at an all time low. He chose to drink every single day. 
His drinking is just as bad as having an affair. 
He chose to drink because he was having problems. She chose to sleep with someone else because she was having problems. Hopefully they have both managed to learn how to deal with their problems in healthy ways instead of sabotaging themselves.


----------



## ConanHub

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Drinking can be a form of abuse on the spouse. Yes it can be just as bad as cheating and have the same trauma and damage.
> 
> Saying things like he was only drinking for 4 months is like saying "he was only having an affair for 4 months"
> 
> I agree bibi. People need to stop minimizing what drinking does to a relationship and their spouse.


And I'm absolutely calling Bullsh*! On saying crawling into a bottle for 4 months is the same as her getting her cervix painted by some asshat!

I did it for a year. You saying that was the same if I was fng some bimbo and knocking her up?

Get your head back in the real universe.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

ConanHub said:


> And I'm absolutely calling Bullsh*! On saying crawling into a bottle for 4 months is the same as her getting her cervix painted by some asshat!
> 
> I did it for a year. You saying that was the same if I was fng some bimbo and knocking her up?
> 
> Get your head back in the real universe.


The trauma and pain on your spouse can be exactly the same as if you were cheating. I have a lot more lasting trauma from the drinking than I do his affair. 

Many spouses of alcoholics will tell you of the pain and trauma and lasting affects. Loss of trust. Panic attacks. 
It has lasting changes to any children around it. 

People can be as upset as they want about the cheating but there is nothing ok or trivial or "just a rough patch" about living with an alcoholic. The spouse suffers the most. I doubt you can truly understand what that time was like for your wife. 

https://detoxtorehab.com/alcoholisms-negative-effects-marriage-family


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> As low of a time as he was having, hers was likely worse at that time. That is the point. Drinking affects the ones you love more than yourself. She was at an all time low. He chose to drink every single day.
> His drinking is just as bad as having an affair.
> He chose to drink because he was having problems. She chose to sleep with someone else because she was having problems. Hopefully they have both managed to learn how to deal with their problems in healthy ways instead of sabotaging themselves.


Which makes her not a good choice.


----------



## Bibi1031

sokillme said:


> Which makes her not a good choice.


Which made him not a good choice either, but it was what they both knew.

And as to his drinking being 4 months; come on, that rough patch was how long it took him to hit rock bottom and not how long he was neglecting his partner. That was never stated by OP! Get the story straight for crying out loud.

Stop harping on the 4 month thing, that is not going to stick because it makes no sense at all. It is well known that it takes a drunk or a junkie a long time to hit rock bottom and finally seek a way out of the addiction hole.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

GusPolinski said:


> If OP's wife's ONS and subsequent abortion did not occur during a point in their relationship in which they'd mutually agreed to break up/see other people, then I'd advise him to view all of it as betrayal/infidelity and respond accordingly.


 But it appears he doesn't remember whether they were on a break or not, so that adds a bit of a wrinkle. I guess he could ask her , but what are the odds of a truthful, non self serving answer?


----------



## Rubix Cubed

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> His drinking is just as bad as having an affair.


Not even close. *No vows before God* and family to stay sober, no stds from drinking, Drinking won't get you pregnant, drinking may piss off your spouse but it doesn't shatter loyalty, .... I could go on, but it's probably a moot point anyway.


----------



## ABHale

I have yet to see where the OP has said he was a mean drunk. 

If you can't understand or see the difference between getting drunk and ****ing some other guy, you have a view of cheating that is scary as can be. 

There is never an excuse to cheat on your SO.


----------



## ABHale

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The trauma and pain on your spouse can be exactly the same as if you were cheating. I have a lot more lasting trauma from the drinking than I do his affair.
> 
> Many spouses of alcoholics will tell you of the pain and trauma and lasting affects. Loss of trust. Panic attacks.
> It has lasting changes to any children around it.
> 
> People can be as upset as they want about the cheating but there is nothing ok or trivial or "just a rough patch" about living with an alcoholic. The spouse suffers the most. I doubt you can truly understand what that time was like for your wife.
> 
> https://detoxtorehab.com/alcoholisms-negative-effects-marriage-family


SGC, have you even gotten wasted, drunk or SFaced while in a relationship? 

If so, would that have been a pass for your SO at the time to have a ONS? 

OP said nothing about been an alcoholic. No withdrawals or anything. Just because he was drinking more then normal doesn't mean he was a alcoholic. 

When I was separate from family for a year in the military, I would go through one or two bottles of Bacardi 151 a weekend around the holidays. Not to mention what ever else I drank. Was it the right thing to do, no. Was I an alcoholic, no. After the new year I realized that it would destroy my health one day and so I quite for the most part. 

There is a difference between a heavy drinker and a alcoholic. 

Heavy drinker can stop. 

An alcoholic can't quit on their own.


----------



## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Drinking can be a form of abuse on the spouse. Yes it can be just as bad as cheating and have the same trauma and damage.
> 
> Saying things like he was only drinking for 4 months is like saying "he was only having an affair for 4 months"
> 
> I agree bibi. People need to stop minimizing what drinking does to a relationship and their spouse.


The thing about that flag is that you can throw it only so many times before we wind up with gems like...

"Losing your job is a form of abuse and can be just as bad as cheating."

"Not washing the dishes when you said you would is a form of abuse and can be just as bad as cheating."

"Forgetting to take the trash up to the curb on pickup day is a form of abuse and can be just as bad as cheating."


----------



## David51

Young at Heart said:


> MD782 said:
> 
> 
> 
> .....We have a 5 year old child together. I feel she should have told me her secret during the time we were patching up our relationship. Now I feel betrayed. I feel like I've been led on a path of deception. I feel like if she would have told me the truth after it happened, we would have not stayed together. Her secret has been constantly eating at me. *What should I do*?[/QUOTE
> 
> 
> 
> First , if it is eating at YOU, deal with you!. Go see a individual counselor or both go see a marriage counselor together. Figure out what you want out of marriage, how to set boundaries and then figure out if you can ever forgive her enough and/or trust her enough to continue the marriage. She should have a say in this as well, as she needs to figure out her own boundaries and control her self
> 
> 
> 
> Because you have a 5 year old child, I strongly recommend marriage counseling.
> 
> 
> 
> Good luck
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> All this advise you are getting is great but it is one sided. We don't know why you broke up in the first place. There are always two sides to a story. I'd love to hear your wife's side. Also as stated by someone else, you weren't together when she got pregnant so how is that cheating? I think you are being childish about the cheating. I also think she had a reason for telling you and by your reaction she will probably leave you again and rightfully so. If you love her then man up and get out of this chat room as it is just fueling your resentment towards you wife.
> Sit her down and talk it out find out WHY she told you. Tell her how you feel. Afterwards if you still can't let it go, then get a divorce.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Click to expand...


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

ABHale said:


> SGC, have you even gotten wasted, drunk or SFaced while in a relationship?
> 
> If so, would that have been a pass for your SO at the time to have a ONS?
> 
> OP said nothing about been an alcoholic. No withdrawals or anything. Just because he was drinking more then normal doesn't mean he was a alcoholic.
> 
> When I was separate from family for a year in the military, I would go through one or two bottles of Bacardi 151 a weekend around the holidays. Not to mention what ever else I drank. Was it the right thing to do, no. Was I an alcoholic, no. After the new year I realized that it would destroy my health one day and so I quite for the most part.
> 
> There is a difference between a heavy drinker and a alcoholic.
> 
> Heavy drinker can stop.
> 
> An alcoholic can't quit on their own.


He said he sat *every night* with a bottle. That's not getting drunk on the weekend and around holidays. That's not "drinking more than normal" 

An alcoholic can quit on their own. I've seen it with people very close to me. Even my ex could stop for a while without withdrawal that needed any intervention.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

GusPolinski said:


> The thing about that flag is that you can throw it only so many times before we wind up with gems like...
> 
> "Losing your job is a form of abuse and can be just as bad as cheating."
> 
> "Not washing the dishes when you said you would is a form of abuse and can be just as bad as cheating."
> 
> "Forgetting to take the trash up to the curb on pickup day is a form of abuse and can be just as bad as cheating."


No. Being a spouse to an alcoholic has proven trauma and abuse symptoms. There's a big difference. Stop assuming. 

Unless you have been there with an alcoholic spouse you don't know the hell. People are minimizing what drinking does to a marriage and it's ridiculous.

Cheating has to be the worst crime ever here. I get it. 

But unless you've been there, and I have been through both, dont have an opinion on what drinking does to a spouse. I have lasting trauma from his drinking. 

I would hate for a spouse of an alcoholic going through hell to see some of the stuff like "rough patch" and "drinking more than usual isn't a big deal" just because you have to make sure this OPs wife's cheating was really bad and a lot worse.


----------



## ABHale

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He said he sat *every night* with a bottle. That's not getting drunk on the weekend and around holidays. That's not "drinking more than normal"
> 
> An alcoholic can quit on their own. I've seen it with people very close to me. Even my ex could stop for a while without withdrawal that needed any intervention.


I never said I didn't drink during the week. 

Like you just said, your ex could stop "for a while". 

Sorry you your hurt in this way, but don't let it over shadow the fact that OP only did this for four months. Not off and on the entire relationship. 

His wife ****ed another man when he was broken and turned to the bottle. Maybe he might not have turned to the bottle if his wife wasn't going out with friends all the time and ****ing another guy. Maybe if she was there for him you know.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I think she was wrong too, I have said nothing about her choices during this time and that regardless of anything he needed to have all the details once he was sober. There's no excuse. I'm annoyed by the "drinking isn't a big deal" conversation. The cheating part doesn't make a difference to me. 

Op admits and understands his drinking was a serious problem. There's no point trying to minimize his drinking. It was a problem. Minimizing his drinking doesn't change what she did so why the need to make it not a big deal? 

Yes, I have know alcoholics who quit on their own and stayed quit. My ex just didn't care to. 

Just because you can quit doesn't mean he wasn't an alcoholic. That's just silly. 

Being around a drunk is hell. It has proven, lasting trauma and symptoms. For the spouse and children. 
Even a recovered alcoholic has issues that often affect the entire family.


----------



## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No. Being a spouse to an alcoholic has proven trauma and abuse symptoms. There's a big difference. Stop assuming.
> 
> Unless you have been there with an alcoholic spouse you don't know the hell. People are minimizing what drinking does to a marriage and it's ridiculous.
> 
> Cheating has to be the worst crime ever here. I get it.
> 
> But unless you've been there, and I have been through both, dont have an opinion on what drinking does to a spouse. I have lasting trauma from his drinking.
> 
> I would hate for a spouse of an alcoholic going through hell to see some of the stuff like "rough patch" and "drinking more than usual isn't a big deal" just because you have to make sure this OPs wife's cheating was really bad and a lot worse.


I was raised in a family of alcoholics.

Alcoholism, while bad, is generally not something carried on in secret.

Infidelity, several years of lying about it, and a secret abortion, though...?

Come on.

She saw his alcoholism front and center, and yet she stayed. Kinda hard to argue abuse there.

He, on the over hand, wasn't allowed the dignity of an informed choice.

Keep defending her as if every word against her is an assault on every woman everywhere, though.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

GusPolinski said:


> I was raised in a family of alcoholics.
> 
> Alcoholism, while bad, is generally not something carried on in secret.
> 
> Infidelity, several years of lying about it, and a secret abortion, though...?
> 
> Come on.
> 
> She saw his alcoholism front and center, and yet she stayed. Kinda hard to argue abuse there.
> 
> He, on the over hand, wasn't allowed the dignity of an informed choice.
> 
> Keep defending her as if every word against her is an assault on every woman everywhere, though.


Ya cause heaven forbid anyone say anything negative about a BH without people thinking its defending the WW. 
I've said barely a thing about her actions. Nor is any of this about her or what she did. Get off it. I'm so sick of the saintly BH crap where his alcohol problems got turned into a small problem because he can't be wrong in any way whatsoever. 

This is about what drinking does to a spouse. This has nothing to do with what she did. 
Alcoholics can produce the same trauma and abuse symptoms as a cheater. Period. There's enough research to back that up that pretending it's just no big deal is ridiculous 

People need to get their heads out of their butts and realize there is more than just cheating out there that does lasting damage and trauma.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Cheating has to be the worst crime ever here. I get it.


 Nope, Murder, rape, assault etc. would be worse, but you know what they all have in common? Like being cheated on, the victim had ABSOLUTELY no say in the act that made them the victim. You could leave your drunken spouse ANYTIME you wanted. THAT is what makes cheating worse than being with an alcoholic. Control and agency.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

GusPolinski said:


> I was raised in a family of alcoholics.
> 
> Alcoholism, while bad, is generally not something carried on in secret.
> 
> Infidelity, several years of lying about it, and a secret abortion, though...?
> 
> Come on.
> 
> She saw his alcoholism front and center, and yet she stayed. Kinda hard to argue abuse there.
> 
> He, on the over hand, wasn't allowed the dignity of an informed choice.
> 
> *Keep defending her as if every word against her is an assault on every woman everywhere, though.*


This seems to be a trend, or maybe Modus Operandi and I'm just noticing it.


----------



## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya cause heaven forbid anyone say anything negative about a BH without people thinking its defending the WW.
> I've said barely a thing about her actions. Nor is any of this about her or what she did. Get off it. I'm so sick of the saintly BH crap where his alcohol problems got turned into a small problem because he can't be wrong in any way whatsoever.
> 
> This is about what drinking does to a spouse. This has nothing to do with what she did.
> Alcoholics can produce the same trauma and abuse symptoms as a cheater. Period. There's enough research to back that up that pretending it's just no big deal is ridiculous
> 
> People need to get their heads out of their butts and realize there is more than just cheating out there that does lasting damage and trauma.


I know that.

Others doubtlessly do as well.

Crap behavior is certainly deserving of scorn, but crap behavior that is _concealed_ is deserving of even more, especially when the end result deprives someone of an informed choice.

And even more when it goes on for years.


----------



## GusPolinski

Rubix Cubed said:


> This seems to be a trend, or maybe Modus Operandi and I'm just noticing it.


It's nothing new.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

And she should have made sure he knew as soon as he was sober. With an experienced person there to help him through it without relapse. 

Everyone agrees with that, it's never been a question. 

The only thing people are against is minimizing and downplaying his drinking. Bibi has also said countless times that her lying and covering it up was wrong. 

People just like to put their fingers in their ears and see "The BH did something wrong" as "You're defending the evil WW against her victim saint BH! How dare you" 

Thankfully real life isn't as black and white as TAM and most people do understand that being a spouse to an alcoholic is damaging and abusive. 

You don't have to minimize his drinking to make her cheating and lying worse. It makes people seem ridiculously over the top.


----------



## ABHale

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya cause heaven forbid anyone say anything negative about a BH without people thinking its defending the WW.
> I've said barely a thing about her actions. Nor is any of this about her or what she did. Get off it. I'm so sick of the saintly BH crap where his alcohol problems got turned into a small problem because he can't be wrong in any way whatsoever.
> 
> This is about what drinking does to a spouse. This has nothing to do with what she did.
> Alcoholics can produce the same trauma and abuse symptoms as a cheater. Period. There's enough research to back that up that pretending it's just no big deal is ridiculous
> 
> People need to get their heads out of their butts and realize there is more than just cheating out there that does lasting damage and trauma.


BS's come here for help to deal with infidelity not to have there their own life thrown into their face. 

All relationships have problems. First thing is to heal from the betrayal next is to work one oneself. The last is to see if the relationship can be saved. 

As OP has said, this happened years ago. And you are not an alcoholic for drinking heavy for four months. Alcoholism is no light matter like you are saying we are taking it as. There is a big difference between what OP has said and being an alcoholic. This is the only point we are trying too getting across.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

And you end up with groups of people so hooked on their own victimhood that they can't see anything beyond it. Just anger and victimhood for the rest of their lives. 
They relate themselves to all BHs and he has to be a victim too. There's nothing productive. Nothing to learn from. Just black and white evil WWs and victim BHs. 

People who will say drinking isn't a big deal but cheating is like murder and rape just have no idea. It's very telling how far some will go to minimize everything else. 

Though many BWs have been told that since she wasn't giving attention and sex that he would obviously get it somewhere else. 

But drinking daily to the point of marital problems, ppffft no big deal. What's a few drinks? Never hurt anyone. 

It's.... disgusting to see.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> And you end up with groups of people so hooked on their own victimhood that they can't see anything beyond it. Just anger and victimhood for the rest of their lives.
> They relate themselves to all BHs and he has to be a victim too. There's nothing productive. Nothing to learn from. Just black and white evil WWs and victim BHs.
> 
> People who will say drinking isn't a big deal but cheating is like murder and rape just have no idea. It's very telling how far some will go to minimize everything else.
> 
> Though many BWs have been told that since she wasn't giving attention and sex that he would obviously get it somewhere else.
> 
> But drinking daily to the point of marital problems, ppffft no big deal. What's a few drinks? Never hurt anyone.
> 
> It's.... disgusting to see.


Since when did abuse justify abuse. Sorry that is just crap. Again by your logic he should just go get a hooker right after all she abused him? 

OP came on here to ask for help. She is not on here. You are not helping him you are just preaching about how bad he was. We get it being with a drunk sucks. I agree with you. Handling it by cheating sucks. I really don't care what her situation was too much because she is not on here. If she wants to make a thread about it, I will be more then happy to talk to her. If she had came on here when he was drinking himself to death I would have told her to start making plans to be self sufficient and leave.

Exactly how do you think this advice is helping him anyway. Is your advice to get over it because he had a drinking problem? We all get it you think being with an alcoholic sucks the life out of you. I agree. Can we move on now and deal with the purpose of the thread?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

How about some accountability on both people instead of straight victimhood. That's a start. Cause victims don't help themselves. They sit angry for decades and don't move past it. 
Acknowledging your side, your issues and what you did to lead up to the events that damaged your marriage is healthy. 
Victims are not healthy. There are a lot of unhealthy people here guiding others to be just as unhealthy. 

Op knows it was a problem. It's the other people on the thread trying to say his drinking is no big deal. Because nothing can be worse than cheating. Ever. It would shatter their victimhood.


----------



## ABHale

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> And you end up with groups of people so hooked on their own victimhood that they can't see anything beyond it. Just anger and victimhood for the rest of their lives.
> They relate themselves to all BHs and he has to be a victim too. There's nothing productive. Nothing to learn from. Just black and white evil WWs and victim BHs.
> 
> People who will say drinking isn't a big deal but cheating is like murder and rape just have no idea. It's very telling how far some will go to minimize everything else.
> 
> Though many BWs have been told that since she wasn't giving attention and sex that he would obviously get it somewhere else.
> 
> But drinking daily to the point of marital problems, ppffft no big deal. What's a few drinks? Never hurt anyone.
> 
> It's.... disgusting to see.


No. 

No one can fix themself if the are in pain. OP just found out the person he thought he could trust CHEATED on him. This pain is not going away in a day. The time for self reflection will come down the road for OP's part of the break down. 

This doesn't mean we hit him in the face with what HE did right now. It's like your saying it was his fault she ****ed another man. 

There is never an excuse to cheat, never. 

It's like OP said, he probably would never had married her if he had known. 

SGC if you were dating someone and they cheated on you during a time like OP has described, would you marry them after that knowing they cheated on you?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Ugg. Seriously. 

There isn't anyone excusing her cheating. 

There are several people excusing his drinking. 

Pain does not mean you have to wallow in victimhood and refuse to acknowledge your own actions and bad behaviour. You need to have accountability for yourself. 

Stop giving BHs a free pass on their own sh*t behaviour. It doesn't help anyone. All it shows is how far some people are willing to ignore to make BHs saintly victims to protect themselves.


----------



## happy as a clam

Rubix Cubed said:


> This seems to be a trend, or maybe Modus Operandi and I'm just noticing it.


Yes, I have noticed it too. On many, many threads.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Ya well I don't jump in with the pitch forks and torches and down with women crowd. Sometimes men do bad things too. Shocking. As I also talk a lot about the bad things women do but that's totally ok. No one minds. 

Thank god there are a few people here who don't just go with the cool group or all it would be is bitter, angry men venting and pouting all day.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya well I don't jump in with the pitch forks and torches and down with women crowd. Sometimes men do bad things too. Shocking. As I also talk a lot about the bad things women do but that's totally ok. No one minds.
> 
> Thank god there are a few people here who don't just go with the cool group or all it would be is bitter, angry men venting and pouting all day.


I'm with the down with cheaters crowd. Once you start judging right and wrong by your reproductive organs your judgment is suspect in my mind. In this case the women is the cheater.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

sokillme said:


> I'm with the down with cheaters crowd. Once you start judging right and wrong by your reproductive organs your judgment is suspect in my mind. In this case the women is the cheater.


And some of BH can do no wrong crowd will also jump into the BW "what did you expect if you weren't sleeping with him?" crowd. 

It's painfully clear where some of these men sit. 
I have advised against bad behaviour of women and men fairly equally yet all anyone sees is when I ask a man to hold themselves responsible for their actions. I don't excuse cheaters despite everyone saying I do just because I can also see the crap behaviour of the one cheated on. It's not black and white. Evil vs victim. 

I really don't care what the core group thinks of me. I've had enough pms and conversations with others who feel the same that I know I'm not the only one who sees it and the beauty of forums is mixed opinion. Not popular opinion. Many people think the BH sainthood has gotten out of control. 

We can see how far the victim mentality has gotten some of the men here. They aren't going to have a happy life. 

A man will get more respect and good out of life if he holds himself accountable for his actions and learns from them instead of blaming everything on someone else.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> And some of BH can do no wrong crowd will also jump into the BW "what did you expect if you weren't sleeping with him?" crowd.
> 
> It's painfully clear where some of these men sit.
> I have advised against bad behaviour of women and men fairly equally yet all anyone sees is when I ask a man to hold themselves responsible for their actions. I don't excuse cheaters despite everyone saying I do just because I can also see the crap behaviour of the one cheated on. It's not black and white. Evil vs victim.
> 
> I really don't care what the core group thinks of me. I've had enough pms and conversations with others who feel the same that I know I'm not the only one who sees it and the beauty of forums is mixed opinion. Not popular opinion. Many people think the BH sainthood has gotten out of control.
> 
> We can see how far the victim mentality has gotten some of the men here. They aren't going to have a happy life.
> 
> A man will get more respect and good out of life if he holds himself accountable for his actions and learns from them instead of blaming everything on someone else.


Again I don't think any of this is the point of this thread. His actions don't absolve her of cheating on him. You seem to think they do. Let me put it in a way that you would probably be more receptive to. Say she came on here and said he hit her when he found you she cheated. If someone came on here and was like, well you don't know how hard it is to be cheated on you would think they are full of crap right? That is essentially what you are doing.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

No... I'm not saying that they do.... I've said they don't. 

I'm saying he needs to be held accountable for what he did to the relationship during that time just as she does. 

He needs to understand that his drinking caused a lot of problems. 

She needs to understand that her cheating caused a lot of problems. 

Some people just don't get that it can be both. 

He can work on his side, his accountability, his staying sober. 

She can work on her side, her accountability, her staying faithful. 

Other people need to minimize what he did just to make sure hers was worse. 

They both did bad and neither one of them can blame the other for their bad behaviour. But just because someone is a BH doesn't mean they did nothing wrong themselves. 

If Op wants to move past this he has to look at everything and not get stuck in victim mode like some want him to be.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No... I'm not saying that they do.... I've said they don't.
> 
> I'm saying he needs to be held accountable for what he did to the relationship during that time just as she does.
> 
> He needs to understand that his drinking caused a lot of problems.
> 
> She needs to understand that her cheating caused a lot of problems.
> 
> Some people just don't get that it can be both.
> 
> He can work on his side, his accountability, his staying sober.
> 
> She can work on her side, her accountability, her staying faithful.
> 
> Other people need to minimize what he did just to make sure hers was worse.
> 
> They both did bad and neither one of them can blame the other for their bad behaviour. But just because someone is a BH doesn't mean they did nothing wrong themselves.
> 
> If Op wants to move past this he has to look at everything and not get stuck in victim mode like some want him to be.


I get it, he shouldn't where such tight clothes, what did he expect. Right?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

sokillme said:


> I get it, he shouldn't where such tight clothes, what did he expect. Right?


Jesus. People really just can't see anything outside of black and white. 

I'm friends with people who have left here over how ridiculous it has gotten. We keep in touch at least but it gets better and then worse again. 

Unless you have been the spouse of a drunk you don't get to say how bad it is or isn't. You haven't been there, you have no idea. No, growing up around them isn't the same as being married to one. 
You don't get to decide it wasn't too bad. You do not know what it is like period. 
I have been both. I have been there with an drunk and I'd rather sleep outside in Canadian winter in my shed then be around him. For months. It's bad. 

I can point out that it's bad without the victims needing to jump on me for "excusing the wife" 

Stop excusing what HE did. 

I haven't said a thing about her not being wrong. 
I'm pointing out that being a drunk is wrong and if people can't see that his drinking was a problem then they are blindly letting themselves get into the victim BH mode. 

He needs to be held accountable for his behaviour during that time. For him to grow and move forward from where he is now. 

But I'll leave the thread for the groups who just want to tell him that his wife sucks and he never did anything wrong.


----------



## happy as a clam

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I really don't care what the core group thinks of me.


All due respect, but I don't think there is a "core group" here. There are, however, many long time posters who are very consistent in their opinions and morals. They are entitled to express their opinions, and if a majority of posters happen to think in a similar way on certain issues it doesn't make it groupthink or narrow minded. 

It's getting tiresome hearing over and over about the supposed TAM lynch mob.


----------



## farsidejunky

Speaking as a Moderator:

The debate ends now. One can advise BS to be aggressive without considering them a saint. One can also hold a BS accountable while not defending the WS.

Continuation of this is a thread jack and will result in a ban. Feel free to start a new thread on the debate.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Censored


----------



## Bibi1031

Rubix Cubed said:


> Not even close. *No vows before God* and family to stay sober, no stds from drinking, Drinking won't get you pregnant, drinking may piss off your spouse but it doesn't shatter loyalty, .... I could go on, but it's probably a moot point anyway.


When they had the rough patch and she slept with a guy and got pregnant they were not married. No promises in front of God or family either.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Bibi1031 said:


> When they had the rough patch and she slept with a guy and got pregnant they were not married. No promises in front of God or family either.


 It's still wrong . Care to address the rest?

If she had been honest and upfront instead of deceitful they never would have gotten married, and MD782 would have never posted this thread.

If she had been loyal and helped MD782 in his time of need they could have gotten married and this thread would have never been made. 

She could have divorced him before going out and screwing another man, and this thread wouldn't be here, but she didn't. She chose to shatter the trust of her broken partner by doing the one thing that would destroy him mentally.


----------



## Bibi1031

Rubix Cubed said:


> It's still wrong . Care to address the rest?


Yes I do. Her lying by omission is why they are in this pickle. He deserved the truth when they got over the rough patch. OP has not come back to let us know why she didn't confess sooner. That would help resolve all this bickering back and forth because their truth is the only one that really counts in this thread. We are all biased when we respond because we have our own histories to taint our opinions and advise. 

None of us excuse her secret, it was probably what has caused the most damage in this marriage. It may be that her secrecy is what eventually kills their relationship, but we really don't know unless OP comes back with an update. 

I honestly hope for the sake of the 5 year old, that a DNA is done, that therapy is going to take place, and that they can be able to get through the other side as better, healthier individuals for each other or for the next partner they end up being with.


----------



## ABHale

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No... I'm not saying that they do.... I've said they don't.
> 
> I'm saying he needs to be held accountable for what he did to the relationship during that time just as she does.
> 
> He needs to understand that his drinking caused a lot of problems.
> 
> She needs to understand that her cheating caused a lot of problems.
> 
> Some people just don't get that it can be both.
> 
> He can work on his side, his accountability, his staying sober.
> 
> She can work on her side, her accountability, her staying faithful.
> 
> Other people need to minimize what he did just to make sure hers was worse.
> 
> They both did bad and neither one of them can blame the other for their bad behaviour. But just because someone is a BH doesn't mean they did nothing wrong themselves.
> 
> If Op wants to move past this he has to look at everything and not get stuck in victim mode like some want him to be.


SGC, by his post he only hit the bottle for four months years ago. 

Where are you getting that he is still living in the bottle?

So you know I tell men and women both. If you have been cheated on, kick the POS to the curb and find someone that truly loves you. It is not a situation that causes someone to cheat it's a lack of respect and love for the BS. It's the fact that the cheater has no morals or character. People go through hell every single day in relationships and never cheat. 

Why waste time with someone that will cheat.


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## Taxman

First, you do not have to do anything other than divorce. You can put this to your wife exactly how my wife put it to me. She put her hands on her hips and said, before we can get back together, I need to go out on a date with someone else. I am going to fvck someone else. You had better come to terms with that because I will not reconcile with you until I am even. Those words. Accept it or not!


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## manfromlamancha

Just read the title of this thread again - he says "his wife confessed to cheating 7 years ago!" Notice she didn't say we were on a break or anything like that. She confessed to cheating! Why is anyone trying to justify her actions?


----------



## manfromlamancha

Taxman said:


> First, you do not have to do anything other than divorce. You can put this to your wife exactly how my wife put it to me. She put her hands on her hips and said, before we can get back together, I need to go out on a date with someone else. I am going to fvck someone else. You had better come to terms with that because I will not reconcile with you until I am even. Those words. Accept it or not!


And did she ? If she did, how did you cope with/handle that ?


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## Taxman

First, this was in response to an affair that I had. Second this occurred in the '80s, some 32 years ago. Now to the point: I did accept it. I wanted the marriage, and she could not ever go back unless she felt a sense of justice. She needed to get even. She did get even. He was totally inappropriate, there was no chance of any kind of relationship. He was merely the first who asked. He took her out for a cocktail and took her to bed. I had to accept it.

I experienced everything that a betrayed spouse could feel. She put me right into her shoes. Rage, despair, the infidelity diet, everything. I discovered how badly I had hurt her.


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## TRy

Taxman said:


> You can put this to your wife exactly how my wife put it to me. She put her hands on her hips and said, before we can get back together, I need to go out on a date with someone else. I am going to fvck someone else. You had better come to terms with that because I will not reconcile with you until I am even. Those words. Accept it or not!


 Although many may challenge her strategy of getting even by "going to fvck someone else", stating that 2 wrongs do no make a right, in reality this often happens without it being stated. The way this happens is that after learning of the affair the cheated on spouse says that they are done with the marriage, separates, starts dating since they no longer consider themselves in a relationship, has sex with someone that they date, and then changes their mind about ending the marriage. The end result is the same, they just did not state it.


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## Windwalker

Rubix Cubed said:


> This seems to be a trend, or maybe Modus Operandi and I'm just noticing it.


I guess I'll just leave this here.


"post #138 of 189 (permalink) Old 09-16-2017, 04:21 PM
SlowlyGoingCrazy
Member

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,683
Re: My wife confessed that she cheated on me 7 years ago. I cant let it go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I don't think either is an excuse to cheat. If she had broken up with him I would have been right there with you.
I'm not saying it was an excuse to cheat. There's just no need to minimize his drinking in any way because she also did something wrong.





post #142 of 189 (permalink) Old 09-16-2017, 07:43 PM
SlowlyGoingCrazy
Member

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,683
Re: My wife confessed that she cheated on me 7 years ago. I cant let it go.
As low of a time as he was having, hers was likely worse at that time. That is the point. Drinking affects the ones you love more than yourself. She was at an all time low. He chose to drink every single day.
His drinking is just as bad as having an affair.
He chose to drink because he was having problems. She chose to sleep with someone else because she was having problems. Hopefully they have both managed to learn how to deal with their problems in healthy ways instead of sabotaging themselves.



ost #375 of 498 (permalink) Old 09-16-2017, 10:17 PM
SlowlyGoingCrazy
Member

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,683
Re: My wife cheated with a friend of mine while she was drunk
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubix Cubed View Post
This is all I've been stating the whole time.
I may have misunderstood this:
to mean the man takes charge, so I digress.
1- As have I. I have continued to say over and over that she is responsible. I *also* see where he went wrong.
Some people just can't understand that it can be both.
Some people just can't see a BHs wrongs. They can more often see a BWs wrongs (you didn't sleep with him much, you didn't think he'd go sleep with someone else?!) but when it comes to BH there is really nothing you can point out that makes the BH responsible for their own actions leading up to things. It is what it is. Interestingly a few of the ones who are typically strongly anti-WW saw the same thing in his responsiblity in the events.

2-I do think a man should protect his family. His wife and children. That's different than being in charge.

Part of my bf being in charge is keeping me safe. Part, not all. There's a lot more to why and how he's in charge and I don't think men in general should be in charge and there are plenty who have no business even trying."


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## Rubix Cubed

@Windwalker,
Enough to make your headspin isn't it?


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## Windwalker

Rubix Cubed said:


> @Windwalker,
> Enough to make your headspin isn't it?


Not really.
if it looks like a duck
Quacks like a duck
Walks like a duck.
It MUST be a moose!


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