# Question about women



## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Let me start off by saying I'm clueless about dating. I married the first woman I dated (and stayed married for over 16 years). So now, if anyone (especially women with insight into the mind of a woman) has pity on me, I'll get to a little background and my question.

Shortly after (like within a week of) my divorce from my unfaithful wife, I signed up on match.com. Within a week of that, I had been contacted by an attractive woman who lives very close. I was a little hesitant at first, so I kind of put the brakes on things. When I was ready a couple of months later, I contacted her, but by that time she had been on a date with another guy. Fortunately for me, the guy is battling depression and had retreated after their first date. Unfortunately for me, she liked the guy and said she doesn't want to date two guys at once (which is admirable, considering how my last relationship ended). She did state very plainly that she was still interested in me. (I.e. "I'm still interested in you.")

Anyway, a few weeks passed, so I contacted her yesterday to see what was going on with limbo guy. I asked, "What's new?" expecting to hear about the other guy. Instead, she told me about her weekend out with the girls. So, I kept the conversation going. We chatted for about three hours. It was a pleasant conversation. She asked about me, and I asked about her. Learned some new stuff about each other.

All of a sudden, she quit responding. I assume she went to bed. But that brings me to some questions.

1. Do you just stop responding if you go to bed? Wouldn't you normally say good night or something first?

2. If you were really interested in someone, wouldn't you stay up all night?

3. Is it now weird for me to initiate another conversation today when she left me hanging on my last question last night?

I was getting ready to ask her directly what was going on with the other guy, but I never got the chance. I don't know if she's too nice to tell me to buzz off or if she's playing hard to get or if she's just easily distracted.

I'm clueless! Please help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The title of this thread is interesting as it seems you think that all women think the same. All women do not think the same just as all men do not think the same.

There could be a few reasons for what happened.

Maybe she was already in bed and fell asleep.
Maybe she's a space cadet, put the phone down to do something and then forgot she was texting you.
Or maybe she was just done with the conversation.

On the surface what she did is rude. If you are still interested, I'd give her one more chance. Just a quick text asking her how her day is going. If she replies good. If she does not, move on.

I think that you are approaching OLD wrong. You don't' meet just one woman and then wait months to meet her. Instead meet several women. Make short dates with them with the first 2 weeks of meeting them. Start with casual, short dates.. like meet for coffee. You both drive yourselves there. Do not pick her up for these dates.

People are often very different in real life from the personal they give out online. So meeting in person soon after meeting online helps you not waste a lot of time on someone who you would not like in person.

Only after 2-3 of these casual dates with a woman do you ask her for a 'real' date.

Another thing that might work better for you is to try the Find your people - Meetup site. find things you like to do and go do them. There you will meet people in person and get to know women in a very lower pressure environment.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Thanks, EleGirl. Yeah, I should not have signed up when I did. I was not ready at the time. In any case, I'm very picky, and there are no other women I'm interested in meeting on that site. I guess I could give her one more chance, but I feel kind of ridiculous since I asked a question that was not replied to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

betrayed16 said:


> Thanks, EleGirl. Yeah, I should not have signed up when I did. I was not ready at the time. In any case, I'm very picky, and there are no other women I'm interested in meeting on that site. I guess I could give her one more chance, but I feel kind of ridiculous since I asked a question that was not replied to.


What was the question that was not replied to?


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What was the question that was not replied to?


LOL. What she missed about her hometown. (She's a recent transplant to my area.)


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

She stopped responding because
A) Her boyfriend/spouse/significant other came home and she had to close out of browser suddenly.
B) She had internet problem/ power problem. etc... (technology issues)
C) You said something "off" that pissed her off or scared her to think you were someone to stay away from.

IF:
A- You don't want her anyway. She's hiding stuff from him, she'll hide it from you as well, most likely.
B- She'll contact again & say "Sorry, internet went down"... "Sorry, fell asleep"... "Sorry, phone died".. etc
C- If you think you didn't say anything odd, or asked freaky questions that she would be leery of answering, then Just try another day (wait 3-4 days.. don't want to sound too antsy).. and ask what's up... If the conversation flows again, then ask her what was said that she didn't want to respond to? If she suddenly stops cold turkey, again... Re-visit the possibility of A.

Just my opinion.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I wouldn't necessarily read anything into it. Just try to pick back up where you left off would be my advice!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I wouldn't read anything into it. Just try to pick back up where you left off!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This!! I've has this happen. Person is at home, you're texting back and forth, then perhaps you write a slightly longer response, then nothing.....it could be due to your hesitation they thought you were done and put their phone down, went to bed.
Often people don't say a goodbye. Conversation just fades off. I'm still getting used to it myself.
Wait a couple of days, check back in and strike up the conversation again. 
As for shouldn't they want to stay up all night talking if they're interested? NO. People have lives, work, family and friend committments. They can't stay on the phone for hours with someone they've never met or even recently met.
Don't except too much early on.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

betrayed16 said:


> 2. If you were really interested in someone, wouldn't you stay up all night?


Huh? Um, no.

Why would you think this?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

People telll you and show you who they are

You just have to listen

If that little whisper is telling you something is off - it is


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Also, you marrieed the first person you dated.

Seriously, you need to figure YOURSELF out and date a BUNCH of different people - so you can get a better idea about what is out there and what you DO and Don't want

What are your deal breakers? 

Stop jumping from the fire into the frying pan


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Huh? Um, no.
> 
> Why would you think this?


Because I would. LOL. And if I needed to get to bed I'd say "Goodnight, gotta go."


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> People telll you and show you who they are
> 
> You just have to listen
> 
> If that little whisper is telling you something is off - it is


I'm getting the little whisper. Definitely. I just wasn't sure if it was justified or not.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Unique Username said:


> Also, you marrieed the first person you dated.
> 
> Seriously, you need to figure YOURSELF out and date a BUNCH of different people - so you can get a better idea about what is out there and what you DO and Don't want
> 
> ...


I've heard this before. But how do you do that? If you go on a date with someone, aren't they going to expect you to go on a second and third to see if you're compatible or not? Will I not end up pissing a lot of women off if I never call them after the first date? And if I do start juggling several women, am I not going to be seen as a playah?


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Chelle D said:


> She stopped responding because
> A) Her boyfriend/spouse/significant other came home and she had to close out of browser suddenly.
> B) She had internet problem/ power problem. etc... (technology issues)
> C) You said something "off" that pissed her off or scared her to think you were someone to stay away from.
> ...


Oh, God. I hope scenario A is not common.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> This!! I've has this happen. Person is at home, you're texting back and forth, then perhaps you write a slightly longer response, then nothing.....it could be due to your hesitation they thought you were done and put their phone down, went to bed.
> Often people don't say a goodbye. Conversation just fades off. I'm still getting used to it myself.
> Wait a couple of days, check back in and strike up the conversation again.
> As for shouldn't they want to stay up all night talking if they're interested? NO. People have lives, work, family and friend committments. They can't stay on the phone for hours with someone they've never met or even recently met.
> Don't except too much early on.


That's interesting. Do people usually reply later when they see the message, then? Or do you have to start a new conversation and pretend that last question was not asked?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

It's your life.

Stop worrying so much about what society or friends would think of you doing whatever.

If you feel you click with someone - certainly go out on a second or third date. If you don;t see any possible future, then no Don't go for another date.

If you arent having sex with them, it is less complicated. 

Keep it simple. GO out on dates that are fun. Learn more about each other. 
You'll only be seen as a "playah" if you are one or acting like one.

I don't think you owe someone you've been on one date with exclusivity. Nor do they owe that to you. There are 7 days in a week right?
Don't have sex until you ARE excliusive.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would just ask her what happened.. if you are interested in her.. if she fell asleep or whatever it was.. is it odd.. I surely think so.. if I did that, and it was asked of me.. I would be apologizing for it..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

betrayed16 said:


> Because I would. LOL. And if I needed to get to bed I'd say "Goodnight, gotta go."


I agree that sometimes staying up all night and talking with someone you like can be fun. 

But most of us have lives and need sleep. So we take good care of ourselves and get the sleep we need.

Also keep in mind that it's very easy to get too sucked in, in the early stages of a relationship. So taking it slowly is a very smart thing to do. It's too easy to the good brain chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, etc) take over and rule us. That's how people end up in relationships with the wrong people... hopelessly bonded to the wrong person.

From what you have said you would do a lot better using Find your people - Meetup OLD is not an easy thing to do.

You need to meet a lot of people and go on a lot of dates.... (this does not mean sex with every woman you go out with). Then over time you can find a more comfortable situation.

Do you have children? If so how old are they?


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that sometimes staying up all night and talking with someone you like can be fun.
> 
> But most of us have lives and need sleep. So we take good care of ourselves and get the sleep we need.
> 
> ...


No, no children. I've got the Meetup app on my phone, but I can't find any meetups that look interesting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

betrayed16 said:


> No, no children. I've got the Meetup app on my phone, but I can't find any meetups that look interesting.


Meetup has an app?? hm.. I just got to their website.

Here were I live there are a few hundred meet ups active at anyone time. I don't know of course about here you live and what's there.

If you don's sharing what state do you live in? Are you in a city or a rural area?

What are the kinds of things you like doing?


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Meetup has an app?? hm.. I just got to their website.
> 
> Here were I live there are a few hundred meet ups active at anyone time. I don't know of course about here you live and what's there.
> 
> ...


Rural area. I like physical activity. Running, boxing, etc. The meetups in my area appear to consist of five or six people usually. The participants are generally either quite a bit older than me or not physically attractive (yes, I know, that's superficial). I've got plenty of friends, so I'm not really interested in hanging out with new people just to be hanging out with new people. I think my best bet will be starting a new hobby or something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

betrayed16 said:


> Rural area. I like physical activity. Running, boxing, etc. The meetups in my area appear to consist of five or six people usually. The participants are generally either quite a bit older than me or not physically attractive (yes, I know, that's superficial). I've got plenty of friends, so I'm not really interested in hanging out with new people just to be hanging out with new people. I think my best bet will be starting a new hobby or something.


That's too back about such limited meet ups. Here where I live there are many very active type meet ups.. weekly white water rafting, hiking, skiing and on and on.

The thing about meeting new people is that it sounds like you are not meeting new women hanging out with your friends.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

betrayed16 said:


> Because I would. LOL. And if I needed to get to bed I'd say "Goodnight, gotta go."


If it was late, it is possible she just fell asleep. My daughter tells me when she's texting her boyfriend she knows when he's fallen asleep because she doesn't get a response. She thinks it's cute.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

No, I'm not. Most of my friends are married with kids. That's why I've been reaching out to single friends I haven't had the opportunity to spend time with in recent years. I tend to relate more to my married friends, though. Marriage changes your outlook on life, I think. In any case, I'm only very recently divorced, so there's no reason to panic...yet.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> betrayed16 said:
> 
> 
> > Because I would. LOL. And if I needed to get to bed I'd say "Goodnight, gotta go."
> ...


That was my initial assumption, but she didn't reply the following day. No big deal. I was a little disappointed at first, but there's plenty of other women out there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

betrayed16 said:


> That was my initial assumption, but she didn't reply the following day. No big deal. I was a little disappointed at first, but there's plenty of other women out there.


Yea, I'd say that moving on is the thing to do. 

If she's interested and there is a good reason for her not answering both times, you will eventually hear from her.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

There is no need to send anyone another text if she has not replied to the last one sent.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

You haven't ever met this woman in person, it's been months since your first contact, you've already been given a clear statement of her interest, "limbo guy" has vanished from conversation...and you want to spend an evening playing 20 questions over e-mail?

She didn't sign up to find a pen-pal. Quit jawing and ask her on a date already! Any attractive woman online has many other guys messaging her; she doesn't have time to write a novel, only banter with those who make her short list. She probably stopped talking because her inbox is filling up and she realized you weren't ever going to escalate. 

Rude? Maybe, but that's easy to do because you aren't a person in her mind yet, you're just some words on a screen. Meanwhile you're in danger of becoming overinvested in someone you haven't met. Use the messaging to weed out crazies and obvious deal-breakers, establish basic attraction, then do the rest face-to-face. 

I don't think you're getting good advice here re: letting things lie; I think you should ping her again and tell her when & where you'd like to meet. Nothing to lose there. If she ignores that, _then _you move on.


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

Phil Anders said:


> You haven't ever met this woman in person, it's been months since your first contact, you've already been given a clear statement of her interest, "limbo guy" has vanished from conversation...and you want to spend an evening playing 20 questions over e-mail?
> 
> She didn't sign up to find a pen-pal. Quit jawing and ask her on a date already! Any attractive woman online has many other guys messaging her; she doesn't have time to write a novel, only banter with those who make her short list. She probably stopped talking because her inbox is filling up and she realized you weren't ever going to escalate.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Phil. You make a good point. I did kind of do that, though. I sent her a follow-up message and asked her if she had any plans for the weekend. That was going to be how I slipped in another invitation. She did not reply to that either (she hasn't been logged in to the site since the previous conversation, so there's a possibility there's a perfectly good explanation). I'm going to let this one go. Live and learn. I'll do better next time around.


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