# Trying to recover from hubby's emotional affair but.....



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I am having issues with the fact that my husband is not being transparent. Here's what I mean.

I recently found out about some unethical behavior my husband was doing. He was having a conversation with someone he met online AND he was having an emotional affair with a female client. (He claims so sex or physical contact happened.) He is very remorseful about the hurt his actions have caused and stopped the conversations with the lady he met online. He still has conversations with the female client because he has committed to a business transaction so he periodically, he needs to talk with her until October of this year. (I still have a problem with this, but I will say the conversations have dwindled down to them talking about 3 to 4 times a month. That's a BIG difference from 9 to 10 times a day.) So my question is this.....

* My husband recently changed his passwords. How can I now check his e-mail and computer?* I used to know them both, but about a month after I confronted him about the evidence I found on his cell phone and e-mail account, he changed them.

Please let me know what you think I should do. *Should I just ask him to give the passwords so I can check them?*


----------



## gloomyshrooms (Aug 6, 2008)

could


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

L&M

Since both emotional affairs are out in the open be open with him and tell him you need reassurances that he is not carting on again. Ask him for the passwords and tell him he must be fully open with you for some time as you move forward. And that you will do the same. Watch his reaction carefully to see if he seems resistant. That will tell you something right there. Unfortunately in today’s world of disposable phones and multiple email services if he is going to go behind your back he can do so. Also it sounds as if he is still reaching out for something else. Speak with him on this and make sure you are both providing each other with what you want out of the marriage. Good luck.


----------



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks gloomyshrooms. I will let you know if I need to go there. 



Amplexor said:


> L&M
> Also it sounds as if he is still reaching out for something else. Speak with him on this and make sure you are both providing each other with what you want out of the marriage. Good luck.


Amplexor,

I was thinking about just confronting him and asking for the passwords. I dunno, I'm afraid I guess. 

Last weekend we had a long discussion about all of this and he assured me that he wished he never started this because its not worth it. He also said that he is VERY happy in his marriage and there is nothing to worry about. All have stopped. (I checked his cellphone to confirm that no phone calls have been made. HOWEVER, I need to confirm his e-mails.)

I still don't trust him. So I now take my emotions out of the equation and check to protect myself and our 2 kids.


----------



## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

gloomyshrooms said:


> ... but if you ask him hell just delete all the stuff before you see it.


gloomyshrooms,

I'm already thought of that. The 1st time I confronted him, I waited 2 days for him to return from a business trip. It is so easy to lie over the phone, so I waited until I could see him in person. That way I can see his mannerisms to see if he is lying.

I believe in the element of surprise. I think this is a great offense tactic. You always want to be on the offense. Never on the defense.

I plan on asking him after the kids are asleep and he is on the computer. That way he has no excuse. His laptop is already out and in use and the kids are not awake to be a distraction.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

L&M

Let me retract my statement about him still reaching out. I believe I have confused your post with another. My apologies. It does sound as if he is trying to make changes as I recall from your other post. However he is the one who has brought distrust to your marriage. While this might be uncomfortable for him I think you are justified in asking him for his password. If you have serious doubts in your own mind and can not verify, it may make your life more difficult than it needs to be emotionally. Don’t do it in a confrontational way, simply let him know you need to do this for a while for your own piece of mind. To help you both s a couple. Also let him know that his changing passwords so soon after all of this simply raised a red flag. When you are comfortable again, then you will check less and less until trust is restored. I would do this only if you don’t feel you can regain trust without this step.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
If you approach the subject in a way that supports strengthening the marriage, hopefully he can get on the same page or at least see things from your perspective instead of thinking you are now trying to 'control' him because of what you've discovered.

It is more of a temporary reassurance and if you can tell him how you've been feeling..."I want to trust you again but I'm still not there so if I see over time that there's nothing to see, it will help me to move past this"


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

loveandmarriage said:


> * My husband recently changed his passwords. How can I now check his e-mail and computer?* I used to know them both, but about a month after I confronted him about the evidence I found on his cell phone and e-mail account, he changed them.
> 
> Please let me know what you think I should do. *Should I just ask him to give the passwords so I can check them?*



There are plenty of fre keyloggers out there on the net or ones that you can buy. Make sure the one you use is right for yor software as they where slow to get to vista. Also play around with hiding it while he isn't there so you know how to use it and he can't see an icon on the computer.

draconis


----------

