# Is he a control freak?



## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I’ve been dating a guy for six weeks and we were gradually getting to know each other, I’m 48 and he is 52. We see each other mid-week and at weekends and I’ve very much enjoyed my time with him. Just recently I have noticed on and off that he drops sexist comments and shows signs of male chauvinism. He contradicts me sometimes and at times has made negative comments about my friends. Last weekend I had to change my plan to see him, so instead of Sunday during the day, I had to make it early evening as I had to visit my mum who is suffering with dementia. I phoned him just before I left my mums place and detected that he sounded a bit off. I told him I’d just helped her out and cleaned her place. He said that I shouldn’t have to do that! I told him that I was more than happy to help my mum anytime, I was then annoyed with him, but I didn’t show it. 

When I got to his place, I had just stepped inside the door and he started raising his voice and shouting at me and continued to do so. He said if I hadn’t gone out with my friends on the Friday night and got in late I could have gone to my mums on the Saturday and not messed up our weekend. A school friend had visited me who had made arrangements with me way before I even met him. I was very upset with him raising his voice and I even cried, which is not like me at all, I think I was shocked by his approach. I told him when he calmed down that I will not be shouted out like that, that kind of communication does not suit me at all. 

He told me how much I mean to him and that he would do anything for me. I told him that I was a bit concerned that he has a controlling streak that I’m not used too, that’s not what I want for myself and he didn’t really answer me. He apologised for shouting, but I was way too upset by then. I told him that I was unable to talk to him that evening and that I would have to go home. I did and I haven’t heard or seen him since. I am down about this as I thought maybe I’d found a nice guy at last after a couple of years of dating after my husband had an affair and we split. I think I already know this, but I think this guy is a control freak. I also think I am right not to contact him. Thoughts please?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

If he is doing this after 6 weeks, there is an inferno waiting to come out.
Life kind of just "happens" and things never go as planned. If this benign event with your friends and mum makes him act like this, imagine what he will act like when something really inconvenient happens !

Just my 2 cents.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Girlfriend, I agree with UMP. if this is the way he behaves after 6 wks of dating, imagine what will happen later. This man has a lot of anger inside. This is a good thing that happened, it makes you see him for what he is. Soon, he will be telling who to see and when. 

When he calls and start explaining away his reaction. I hope you have the good sense to tell him, you will not be seeing him again.

Hopefully he will not call and you can just let it go. Becareful.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes. He is a control freak. He also sounds like a psycho.

I would stay far away from this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, this is a man who shouted at you _for helping your ill mother_. He also shouted at you for ruining his weekend by having made other plans _before you'd ever met him_. 

Really roll those thoughts around in your head. Let them marinate and really sink in. A man who's known you for 6 weeks wants to yell at you for being a responsible adult with a life of your own.... 

Sure, he's a raging control freak. But you seem to know that already. If you're asking what you should do about it, my advice is to run. Far. Fast. Run.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sounds like he had trouble handling disappointment at not seeing you when planned, and it comes out as anger and yelling at you. That's not a fun way for you to live if he never learned how to deal with disappointment or changes in plans. 

If this were to open an honest discussion between you, I'd think you might have a chance to work through it as long as he's willing to admit he has some issues to work through. But if you can't communicate and work to resolve this problem, you are probably right and he's just set in his controlling ways.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

He has told me that he has never had a good relationship with his mother and father. And doesn't have much to do with his siblings. He has a lovely daughter who is 16 years old and they are close. His wife cheated on him 12 years ago and I am wondering collectively if this is a big part of his problem?


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

......Sorry, he is divorced of course.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Run far and wide from him. He's acting a fool only after 6 weeks? Imagine how he'd be if you guys took it to the next level.

Break it off. He's showing you who he really is. Believe him.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I think you are better to reevaluate your position with this guy. If he can behave after 6 weeks of dating, imagine how he will behave after 6 month. I think he is not a control freak. I think he has some mental condition. Stay away from him. Common, it is not like you blow him off to be with your girlfriends, it is your mom for god sake. Run from him.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yeah, this is one fish to throw back into the pond. 

You did the right thing by walking away. Don't answer the phone if he calls--you do not owe him anything and he's shown his true colors. You don't want any part o' that! 

You have to kiss a lot of frogs . . . and this is why (same goes for men, too). There are a bunch of messed up people out there looking for someone desperate not to be alone. Honestly, at the first sign of mistreatment, move on--and when you get to the first year anniversary with someone has never treated you badly, you can be more confident that you've found a winner. Most crazies can hide their crazy for 3 to 6 months but not longer. Good luck!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Break it off. *He's showing you who he really is.* Believe him.


Couldn't have said it better myself.



life_huppens said:


> I think he is not a control freak. *I think he has some mental condition.*





sisters359 said:


> Yeah, this is one fish to throw back into the pond... *Most crazies can hide their crazy for 3 to 6 months but not longer.*


These two comments cracked me up!

:smthumbup:


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Be glad you saw this side of him 6 weeks in. Drop him. He will be very bad for you in the future.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Jax67 said:


> He has told me that he has never had a good relationship with his mother and father. And doesn't have much to do with his siblings. He has a lovely daughter who is 16 years old and they are close. His wife cheated on him 12 years ago and I am wondering collectively if this is a big part of his problem?


It could be that he's getting triggered. But he'd have to open up and talk with you about that if that's the case in order to work through it. If he won't do that, then he'll just keep reacting in anger and you won't be able to do anything about it except argue and/or walk away.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Keep in mind...at six weeks, he is still on his best behavior...his BEST behavior.

He is giving a preview of coming events. Pay attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Move on. That's all I have got.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow what a jacka$s. Next.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason for dating is to find out if a person is a good long term relationship candidate.

After only 6 weeks he has show you that he is controlling. This is as good as it get with him. Over time, he will escalate.

Don't try to figure out why he did what he did. He did it. That's all that matters. He's 52 year old men. He should know how to behave by now.

Please do not take him on as a project thinking that you can fix him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I get the feeling that he's insecure. He doesn't feel very high on your priority list. You put friends and your Mum ahead of him and he, in a bad way, told you what you could've done differently to make him a higher priority.

After six weeks of dating he expects to be at the top of your priority list and he gets angry if he feels insecure. This is what your post tells me.

Now you need to decide what to do with the information he has provided you with about his personality.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Run forest run! I dated a guy like that and it didn't turn out well. I thought it was because he really liked me and wanted to be with me but turns out he was just a jealous, insecure jerk who wanted to control me. It only got worse with time which made it that much harder to get away from him. If he's acting like that after only 6 weeks, trust me it will get worse.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

If hes making you cry 6 weeks in, to stay with him will mean constant tears for you.


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

I just wanted to thank you guys for your excellent advice and comments yesterday, I really appreciate it. BTW a friend of mine noticed last evening that he has now gone back onto the on-line dating site that we met on!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sounds like its for the best. 

Maybe you just don't have the doormat qualities he's looking for...

These aren't the droids your looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

If all the above comments are not enough, here's another one: RUN!!


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh I'm running as fast as I can!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe that's the wrong word for it. A real control freak wears you down. That's their victory, micromanaging you into surrender or flight. Both my current boss and prior boss are pathological micromanaging control freaks. But the important thing about control freaks is that they want all of the power and none of the accountability. The kind of person who will critique the 34th version of your email by correcting one word, telling you to redo it instead of making the change themself. 

They don't want control, they want to correct you over and over and over because it makes them feel good about them. Control freaks are the socially acceptable version of hoarders. They don't always see other people as living breathing people. They see them as obstacles the same way that paranoids do. After all control freaks and paranoids are the narcissists on the same spectrum of that pathology. 

Do you see that in this person?


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