# Porn over sex



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing? 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I wouldn't chose porn over my girlfriend if she was home or willing. 

But some guys might chose porn over their partners because they're no longer attracted to her, because she's um.. let herself go, so to speak. 

Or they've lost attraction for her, due to other reasons. Conflict, lack of appreciation, that sort of thing. 

No doubt if he's choosing porn over her, there are serious issues there.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?


Personally I wouldn't choose pornography over my wife.

That said if I were so inclined to do that, I would do so for any or all of the reasons as listed below.

1. I didn't like and or love her.

2. I was not attracted to her.

3. I was repulsed by her.

4. I wanted to hurt her.

5. I wanted to play mind games with her, demolish her self-esteem and in combination with a variety of other actions, was intending to make her completely pliable to my every selfish whim.

6. I had low self-esteem, combined with sexual performance limitations and or other sexual issues.

You already know your partner sux. If you find his behaviour unacceptable you will end your relationship with him. Until you find his behaviour unacceptable you will continue to suck it up even if you don't like it.

At the end of the day understanding why your partner sux, is largely irrelevant if he isn't going to change. All that really matters is what he chooses to actually do, if he doesn't choose you, the why is redundant.

If you don't like it dump him. If you don't mind it, feel free to keep trying to find ways to convince yourself that it's you and not him.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Personal said:


> Personally I wouldn't choose pornography over my wife.
> 
> That said if I were so inclined to do that, I would do so for any or all of the reasons as listed below.
> 
> ...


So you would never chose it over her? Or just chose her most of the time? Mu husbands and my sex life has been improving over the last few weeks, but today I caught him while I was at home. It pissed me off that he didn't come to me. I'm just wondering if it's normal that he'd watch it while I was home. If I was out it wouldn't bug me 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> So you would never chose it over her? Or just chose her most of the time? Mu husbands and my sex life has been improving over the last few weeks, but today I caught him while I was at home. It pissed me off that he didn't come to me. I'm just wondering if it's normal that he'd watch it while I was home. If I was out it wouldn't bug me


I thought you were with a husband who chose porn to the exclusion of you, and who also had sexual performance issues as well. I guess I am mistaken, so if all is dandy press on and enjoy yourself.

To again answer your question, if faced with choosing between having sex with my wife or masturbating to pornographyI choose my wife.

If I want sex or she wants sex, (barring illness, injury, time and place limitations, physical separation etc) we readily share sex.

That said my wife and I are sometimes consumers of pornography (variously on our own or together whether we're home or apart. Plus we have even shared some of our own home made stuff (explicit photographs) online as well, although we haven't done that for more than a year.

So Porn just isn't a big deal for us at all.

I don't mind If my wife looks at porn and masturbates, just as she doesn't mind when I do the same. Because so far for both of us (and we know this because both still occur) at 45 and 46 years of age (we've been together since we were 24 and 25), we can readily masturbate and have sex multiple times a day without performance issues.

At the end of the day, having caught your husband it's evident he will continue to do this. So you can either accept it or not.

Ultimately if all someone does is complain about it yet not end their relationship over it. It's pretty obvious that as proven by their actions they accept it.

What people do is what actually matters, what they think is only relevant to what they do. If they think or say one thing yet do something else, the only thing that matters is the doing.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Personal said:


> I thought you were with a husband who chose porn to the exclusion of you, and who also had sexual performance issues as well. I guess I am mistaken, so if all is dandy press on and enjoy yourself.
> 
> To again answer your question, if faced with choosing between having sex with my wife or masturbating to pornographyI choose my wife.
> 
> ...


That helped answer my question much better, Thank you. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?



I'll be almost too honest with my answer here as this used to be how I would behave a long time ago. 

I would try to initiate sex with my wife, but I could tell she was not really in the mood. She would offer to let me have sex with her, but explained that I would just need to be quick and not take too long if I really needed to. At the time that would _really hurt my feelings_ because I felt as if she had predetermined that she was not even going to try and enjoy intimacy with me, and I desperately wanted it to be a _shared_ experience. 

So there I was desperate to have sex with my wife, she was home and willing, but instead I would turn her down and go watch porn instead. 

Can't tell you how many times that used to happen!

Badsanta


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I'll be almost too honest with my answer here as this used to be how I would behave a long time ago.
> 
> I would try to initiate sex with my wife, but I could tell she was not really in the mood. She would offer to let me have sex with her, but explained that I would just need to be quick and not take too long if I really needed to. At the time that would _really hurt my feelings_ because I felt as if she had predetermined that she was not even going to try and enjoy intimacy with me, and I desperately wanted it to be a _shared_ experience.
> 
> ...


That would hurt my feelings too. It feels like the other person doesn't care to be intimate at all. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I'll be almost too honest with my answer here as this used to be how I would behave a long time ago.
> 
> I would try to initiate sex with my wife, but I could tell she was not really in the mood. She would offer to let me have sex with her, but explained that I would just need to be quick and not take too long if I really needed to. At the time that would _really hurt my feelings_ because I felt as if she had predetermined that she was not even going to try and enjoy intimacy with me, and I desperately wanted it to be a _shared_ experience.
> 
> ...


Still your situation is a little different because the other person wasn't interested. I'm interested and never say no so it confuses me. I feel rejected 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

How do you look OP? Maybe it's an attraction thing.


----------



## pag1617 (Jan 26, 2017)

Just from my own experience as a husband, do you have specific things you argue about on a consistent basis? Issues from the past that someone won't drop? Consistent conflict or something he is often mentioning that bothers him and is unresolved? Fear of a pregnancy he doesn't feel ready for? Any and all of these things can lead to a gradual disinterest in sex, out of frustration or insecurity with the relationship.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> Still your situation is a little different because the other person wasn't interested. I'm interested and never say no so it confuses me. I feel rejected
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


The combination of porn, masturbation, and orgasm (sometimes referred to as PMO) can be a rather addictive experience. The male sexual response is much different than that for females based on everything I have read. 

In my post earlier, I would choose porn NOT because I was desperate to have sex, but because I was in pain. *PMO for a male can be as powerful as taking a valium!* The side effects will numb any emotional pain.

So in a situation if your husband was in emotional pain for whatever reason, and just wanted to use PMO to numb himself, that is not exactly a healthy reason to ask your wife for sex. Perhaps it is, but I do not see it being very pretty as in, "just shut up and fück my brains out so I can get some sleep, OK?"

Badsanta


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> The combination of porn, masturbation, and orgasm (sometimes referred to as PMO) can be a rather addictive experience. The male sexual response is much different than that for females based on everything I have read.
> 
> In my post earlier, I would choose porn NOT because I was desperate to have sex, but because I was in pain. *PMO for a male can be as powerful as taking a valium!* The side effects will numb any emotional pain.
> 
> ...


Good answer. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd much rather experience the reality of "a live participative sex show" with my loving wife much rather than to relish in the fantasy that porn always seems to provide!*


----------



## pag1617 (Jan 26, 2017)

I think the emotional pain mentioned above could explain half, but why is he experiencing emotional pain? I feel like there is only half the story here, there is a reason he is doing that


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


Well the nicest reason I can think of it fear and inadequacy. Like maybe he doesn't feel like he is that good?

The more likely reason is laziness. What is the porn use like?

The most painful is that he is not attracted. Though I doubt that.

Low testosterone. 

Maybe he is gay?


----------



## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk



NO.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Well the nicest reason I can think of it fear and inadequacy. Like maybe he doesn't feel like he is that good?
> 
> The more likely reason is laziness. What is the porn use like?
> 
> ...


Definitely not low t and gay. I'm hoping it's him just feeling lazy now and again. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

pag1617 said:


> I think the emotional pain mentioned above could explain half, but *why is he experiencing emotional pain?* I feel like there is only half the story here, there is a reason he is doing that


He just realized Jr Bacon's are no longer on the dollar menu!


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

pag1617 said:


> Just from my own experience as a husband, do you have specific things you argue about on a consistent basis? Issues from the past that someone won't drop? Consistent conflict or something he is often mentioning that bothers him and is unresolved? Fear of a pregnancy he doesn't feel ready for? Any and all of these things can lead to a gradual disinterest in sex, out of frustration or insecurity with the relationship.


We're in the middle of moving provinces. So probably the stress of that. Definitely no more babies for us! 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> He just realized Jr Bacon's are no longer on the dollar menu!


He's more of a McDonald's man 


pag1617 said:


> Just from my own experience as a husband, do you have specific things you argue about on a consistent basis? Issues from the past that someone won't drop? Consistent conflict or something he is often mentioning that bothers him and is unresolved? Fear of a pregnancy he doesn't feel ready for? Any and all of these things can lead to a gradual disinterest in sex, out of frustration or insecurity with the relationship.



Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So you say it is improving, improving from what and why did it need improving?

Next I hate to ask this but how long does it take for you to reach orgasm. How long do you expect the sex to be? I know this is kinda selfish and not saying I agree but maybe he feels like he doesn't have the energy to get you off but he want's his endorphin fix and he doesn't want to basically use you for it. In his mind he is being unselfish. He can help himself out very fast just so he can relax. That is the thing with us, we can usually get the job done pretty fast if we want to. Still get the same "hit" as they say. 

You should talk to him about this, this is the kind of thing you talk about when you have a good sex life. Hard stuff like this, no pun intended.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

sokillme said:


> So you say it is improving, improving from what and why did it need improving?
> 
> Next I hate to ask this but how long does it take for you to reach orgasm. How long do you expect the sex to be? I know this is kinda selfish and not saying I agree but maybe he feels like he doesn't have the energy to get you off but he want's his endorphin fix and he doesn't want to basically use you for it. In his mind he is being unselfish. He can help himself out very fast just so he can relax. That is the thing with us, we can usually get the job done pretty fast if we want to. Still get the same "hit" as they say.
> 
> You should talk to him about this, this is the kind of thing you talk about when you have a good sex life. Hard stuff like this, no pun intended.


Our sex life was terrible for a while. He doesn't show interest I guess? He says he's not a sexual person (no dirty picures, no sexting, no sexual innuendos). I like doing those things. sex with both of us coming takes ten minutes max. It shouldn't be performance anxiety because it's rare that I don't cum. I guess I feel left out because he decided to hide it from me while I was still in the house. I wouldn't care if I'd been out doing something or unavailable. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

sokillme said:


> So you say it is improving, improving from what and why did it need improving?
> 
> Next I hate to ask this but how long does it take for you to reach orgasm. How long do you expect the sex to be? I know this is kinda selfish and not saying I agree but maybe he feels like he doesn't have the energy to get you off but he want's his endorphin fix and he doesn't want to basically use you for it. In his mind he is being unselfish. He can help himself out very fast just so he can relax. That is the thing with us, we can usually get the job done pretty fast if we want to. Still get the same "hit" as they say.
> 
> You should talk to him about this, this is the kind of thing you talk about when you have a good sex life. Hard stuff like this, no pun intended.


It's improving because we've had three pregnancies close together and all were surprises. That tires people out lol. He's been snipped and has a zero sperm count now so the fear of pregnancy is gone now 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> Our sex life was terrible for a while. He doesn't show interest I guess? He says he's not a sexual person (no dirty picures, no sexting, no sexual innuendos). I like doing those things. sex with both of us coming takes ten minutes max. It shouldn't be performance anxiety because it's rare that I don't cum. I guess I feel left out because he decided to hide it from me while I was still in the house. I wouldn't care if I'd been out doing something or unavailable.
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


Well that is just sad. What was he using to get off if he doesn't look at dirty pictures?


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Well that is just sad. What was he using to get off if he doesn't look at dirty pictures?


Porn. I mean him taking them for me and vise versa. So sexting basically lol 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The best answer to all of this is just talk to him. Maybe he has no idea what your are like sexually. He is your husband talk to him.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

sokillme said:


> The best answer to all of this is just talk to him. Maybe he has no idea what your are like sexually. He is your husband talk to him.


I have, he knows 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No
(its really that simple. I like porn but only as a substitute on the all too frequent occasions that my wife is not available). I've turned her down for sex no more than 5 times in 30 years.



Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## 2cool4school (Jan 26, 2017)

I think Sex is more intimate , sometimes men just want a quick emotionless release. No hassle no cuddles no effort just some dirty porn to have a quick snap off to clear your head. 
sorry for being so explicit haha just a quick easy reply of my opinion. but there could be something more, have you ever asked him why ?


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

2cool4school said:


> I think Sex is more intimate , sometimes men just want a quick emotionless release. No hassle no cuddles no effort just some dirty porn to have a quick snap off to clear your head.
> sorry for being so explicit haha just a quick easy reply of my opinion. but there could be something more, have you ever asked him why ?


No your answer is awesome. It's a simple answer and it's what I need to 'hear' 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

What exactly is your issue OP? Put together a couple paragraphs describing what and when your husband is doing that disapoints you and also what,when, how you go about thinks you think he isn't responding to. That would give some context to answer your Q.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Mollymolz said:


> Still your situation is a little different because the other person wasn't interested. * I'm interested and never say no so it confuses me. * I feel rejected
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


Question, do you actually initiate, or is he expected to start things up most of the time? Saying you are interested and never say no really doesn't tell the whole picture.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

EllisRedding said:


> Question, do you actually initiate, or is he expected to start things up most of the time? Saying you are interested and never say no really doesn't tell the whole picture.


I do, and pretty frequently 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Mollymolz said:


> I do, and pretty frequently
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


Well then I would gladly take that over porn any day of the week :grin2:


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> Our sex life was terrible for a while. He doesn't show interest I guess? He says he's not a sexual person (no dirty picures, no sexting, no sexual innuendos). I like doing those things. sex with both of us coming takes ten minutes max. It shouldn't be performance anxiety because it's rare that I don't cum. * I guess I feel left out because he decided to hide it from me while I was still in the house. * I wouldn't care if I'd been out doing something or unavailable.


 @Mollymolz we are all creatures of habit! Ask yourself if your husband grew up in a household where he could just openly watch porn and discuss it with all his family members? Ummmm... *NO!* Odds are hew grew up having to be extremely discrete, deceptive, and even lie about such activities to everyone that he was closest to. So since YOU are now his family, it is only natural that he may have a tendency to keep his porn use completely hidden from you. He likely feels you will get upset about it (which you just did!) and that it is inherently shameful.

You may actually be surprised to find out that your husband is actually more sexual than you, but he struggles to reconcile marital sex with shameful porn sex. Particularly if he was raised in a strict religious setting. 

I have read an account where a husband masturbated up to twice a day with porn as he enjoyed a "dirty fantasy" but due to _shame_ he was unable to view his spouse in the same erotic context. She managed to break through to her husband and discover that he was actually hyper sexual and they actually started having sex everyday. For about a year everything was awesome and the two of them connected in ways she never imagined. _Eventually things blew up_, and I do not know exactly why, but her husband struggled that his fantasies were too dangerous to explore once his wife began to role play some scenarios (he wanted to watch his wife be with another woman). So the husband freaked out, and insisted to wife that those fantasies were to be kept exclusively to him watching porn and that sex within his marriage should be simple and respectable about once every two weeks.

So you could be living with a genie in a bottle. And it is not the conundrum of getting the genie back into the bottle once he gets out, but you could find that the genie himself freaks out because he has never been out of the bottle before, and he desperately wants to put himself back in out of fear that you will wish him away for someone else!

So long story short, some men have fear of abandonment issues. Combine that with shame and porn.... and well you could have a mess on your hands that is virtually impossible to untangle. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Mollymolz said:


> @Mollymolz we are all creatures of habit! Ask yourself if your husband grew up in a household where he could just openly watch porn and discuss it with all his family members? Ummmm... *NO!* Odds are hew grew up having to be extremely discrete, deceptive, and even lie about such activities to everyone that he was closest to. So since YOU are now his family, it is only natural that he may have a tendency to keep his porn use completely hidden from you. He likely feels you will get upset about it (which you just did!) and that it is inherently shameful.
> 
> You may actually be surprised to find out that your husband is actually more sexual than you, but he struggles to reconcile marital sex with shameful porn sex. Particularly if he was raised in a strict religious setting.
> 
> ...


I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around. If I'm not around that's a different story. I've even suggested watching it together. I think any man has to hide to watch it growing up as I'm fairly certain masterbating in front of one's parents and siblings is frowned upon (lol). No religion in his house. He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened. All of the porn he watches is very, very tame. I've tried to find more twisted stuff and it's not there. Therefore, I don't think the fantasies would be damaging to our relationship whatever they are. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around. If I'm not around that's a different story. I've even suggested watching it together. I think any man has to hide to watch it growing up as I'm fairly certain masterbating in front of one's parents and siblings is frowned upon (lol). No religion in his house. * He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened.* All of the porn he watches is very, very tame. I've tried to find more twisted stuff and it's not there. Therefore, I don't think the fantasies would be damaging to our relationship whatever they are.
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


*
Porn is not your problem! You need to let that go. *

Sexual trauma most definitely impacts your husband in ways he may not even be aware. Free help from strangers on the internet will likely not be that helpful. *You will need to convince him to see a therapist that specializes in sexual trauma. *

@MrsAldi may be able to help you shed a little light on this topic.

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Given a choice, would not choose porn over wife.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You have every right to be upset. 

His molestation could still be an issue, and as someone else suggested therapy might make sense. 

I don't think the type of porn matters - in fact extreme might even be less of a worry. If he was watching kinky stuff it might be an indication that he had different interests and some hope that you might be OK with some of those kinks. 





Mollymolz said:


> I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around. If I'm not around that's a different story. I've even suggested watching it together. I think any man has to hide to watch it growing up as I'm fairly certain masterbating in front of one's parents and siblings is frowned upon (lol). No religion in his house. He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened. All of the porn he watches is very, very tame. I've tried to find more twisted stuff and it's not there. Therefore, I don't think the fantasies would be damaging to our relationship whatever they are.
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> I am upset by it because I feel like it replaces me when I'm around.


I doubt that he is trying to replace you with porn but I can understand why you are upset. 
In a way it's like he's betraying you by using it instead of sharing things with you. 



> He was molested by someone though and I often wonder how that has affected his sexuality. I don't know the full extent of what happened because he won't talk about it. I just know something happened.


Sexual abuse does affect the sexuality of a person who has suffered. They might not even realise that there is any physical issues until a spouse points it out to them. 
Talking about it is really difficult, it dredges up shame and all those other feelings that go along with it. 
Even if it happened 10/20+ years ago, it's still hard to admit. But he told you about some, which means he loves and trusts you. 

If he's the LD one, he may be using porn to increase his sex drive for you, especially if you have been making a point about having more with him. 

Does your husband ever discuss your sex life with you at all? 

Does he have any things that he doesn't want you to do? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Technically, if you mount a TV on the ceiling you could have "porn over your wife" ... just a thought ...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Technically, if you mount a TV on the ceiling you could have "porn over your wife" ... just a thought ...











@EllisRedding If the TV is voice controlled (Amazon fire) you'll just end up getting repeatedly billed for these:


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> I doubt that he is trying to replace you with porn but I can understand why you are upset.
> In a way it's like he's betraying you by using it instead of sharing things with you.
> 
> 
> ...


That's exactly how I felt. Wondering why he was leaving me out. Although, today I'm thinking he was just tired or maybe just needed some self love at the moment. We don't talk about sex much. He is quite reserved and shy when it comes to the subject. I wish he would talk more to someone about the abuse, and perhaps other components of his childhood. I don't think there is anything he doesn't want me to do. I mentioned before that all the porn he watches is very vanilla. Maybe he wants a three way? In that case I'm quite happy if he lives that fantasy out vicariously through porn  

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> *
> Porn is not your problem! You need to let that go. *
> 
> Sexual trauma most definitely impacts your husband in ways he may not even be aware. Free help from strangers on the internet will likely not be that helpful. *You will need to convince him to see a therapist that specializes in sexual trauma. *
> ...


I agree, he does need some help. And yes, I won't get help from strangers pn the Internet. However it is nice to talk with others about it who I don't know in my everyday life. That way there's no shame in thinking about what our friends and family are thinking. He was seeing a counselor for a while for an unrelated issue and I was hoping he'd talk to councilor about the abuse. He stopped going though. Unfortunately I can't force him and I don't want to nag him constantly to do something he's not willing to do. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> I agree, he does need some help. And yes, I won't get help from strangers pn the Internet. However it is nice to talk with others about it who I don't know in my everyday life. That way there's no shame in thinking about what our friends and family are thinking. He was seeing a counselor for a while for an unrelated issue and *I was hoping he'd talk to councilor about the abuse. He stopped going though. Unfortunately I can't force him and I don't want to nag him constantly to do something he's not willing to do. *
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


I don't know if this will be helpful, but you could go see a therapist and explain the situation that you are in with your husband. The therapist could help educate you in the various ways that sexual trauma will effect people later in life, how to recognize it, and perhaps some advice on how to help your marriage better cope with this.

I would NOT advise that you do this behind your husband's back, but talk to him about it first. Let him know that is something you are going to do, then if he feels he needs to he can stop you from going, he can choose to go with you, but at no time will he feel forced to go. Hopefully he will see that you simply care about him and are struggling to help make your marriage better.

Badsanta


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I don't know if this will be helpful, but you could go see a therapist and explain the situation that you are in with your husband. The therapist could help educate you in the various ways that sexual trauma will effect people later in life, how to recognize it, and perhaps some advice on how to help your marriage better cope with this.
> 
> I would NOT advise that you do this behind your husband's back, but talk to him about it first. Let him know that is something you are going to do, then if he feels he needs to he can stop you from going, he can choose to go with you, but at no time will he feel forced to go. Hopefully he will see that you simply care about him and are struggling to help make your marriage better.
> 
> Badsanta


That's a great idea! 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> Our sex life was terrible for a while. He doesn't show interest I guess? He says he's not a sexual person (no dirty picures, no sexting, no sexual innuendos). I like doing those things. sex with both of us coming takes ten minutes max. It shouldn't be performance anxiety because it's rare that I don't cum. I guess I feel left out because he decided to hide it from me while I was still in the house. I wouldn't care if I'd been out doing something or unavailable.
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk




Have you tried asking him why he would chose porn over you? (And also how it makes you feel).
If it's a regular occurrence, I would try and get to the bottom, if not, it could just be the convenience factor. Also: what type of porn exactly is he watching could perhaps establish what might be missing for him in the bedroom. You mentioned you found sex was terrible with him for a while. Does he feel overwhelmed by it? Performance anxieties? 
He could also be losing sexual appetite for you. Was it ever different?
I don't believe generally that people who say they are "generally not very sexual" are actually not very sexual. It's just that they either haven't found a way to express their sexuality or are perhaps not that into their partner...
It has to be a frank conversation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ah ok, the molestation thing could be affecting this. He might prefer to be hiding in his fantasies instead of choosing real life over it, due to pain of association. I don't have a lot of experience in this. Might need professional help as every trauma is too individual to deal with by way of general advice.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> That's exactly how I felt. Wondering why he was leaving me out. Although, today I'm thinking he was just tired or maybe just needed some self love at the moment. We don't talk about sex much. He is quite reserved and shy when it comes to the subject. I wish he would talk more to someone about the abuse, and perhaps other components of his childhood. I don't think there is anything he doesn't want me to do. I mentioned before that all the porn he watches is very vanilla. Maybe he wants a three way? In that case I'm quite happy if he lives that fantasy out vicariously through porn
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk




Threesomes work best in the head, and it should stay that way 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Threesomes work best in the head, and it should stay that way
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yup, I read somewhere that couples who engage in threesoms have a higher divorce rate. I don't know if the study was peer reviewed though so I'm not sure how accurate it was. I could see jealousy becoming a problem at some point though. 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk




I would never chose porn over my wife, "only if"

- she took care of herself and is in good shape
- has a high, healthy, adventurous sex drive
- dresses attractive, sexy, some cosplay

My use for porn would be zero and in all honestly, I would quickly forget about porn altogether.

That's just me.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Mollymolz said:
> 
> 
> > Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> ...


So in other words, you'll look at porn if she's not quite hot enough? What if she's "average"?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Livvie said:


> So in other words, you'll look at porn if she's not quite hot enough? What if she's "average"?



That's not what I'm saying at all.

If she takes care of herself, gym, diet, she will be in good shape.
If she has a healthy, high, adventurous sex drive, we would be doing similar things that are done in porn. No need for porn.
If she dresses sexy, so I look and say, hmmm hmmm good, no need or porn or looking at the ladies.

Being in good shape is not a super model.
Having great adventurous sex doesn't mean porn actress.
Dressing to seduce her man, doesn't mean looking like a super model.

That's what I meant.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > So in other words, you'll look at porn if she's not quite hot enough? What if she's "average"?
> ...


Gotcha, good to hear. Because I think "average" women like to have their partners interested in them...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> Yup, I read somewhere that couples who engage in threesoms have a higher divorce rate. I don't know if the study was peer reviewed though so I'm not sure how accurate it was. I could see jealousy becoming a problem at some point though.


Without judging, I would say that couples that engage in threesomes (or any form of swinging) for whatever reason feel they are unable to be satisfied _within_ their marriage. Even the stories I read of rather kinky couples that engage in swinging, there is always this element of dissatisfaction where one person questions, "why am I not enough for my partner." And I think it is only natural for that person to seek out a partner that they can fulfill, thus the marriage ending in divorce.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> @Mollymolz we are all creatures of habit! Ask yourself if your husband grew up in a household where he could just openly watch porn and discuss it with all his family members? Ummmm... *NO!* Odds are hew grew up having to be extremely discrete, deceptive, and even lie about such activities to everyone that he was closest to. So since YOU are now his family, it is only natural that he may have a tendency to keep his porn use completely hidden from you. He likely feels you will get upset about it (which you just did!) and that it is inherently shameful.
> 
> You may actually be surprised to find out that your husband is actually more sexual than you, but he struggles to reconcile marital sex with shameful porn sex. Particularly if he was raised in a strict religious setting.
> 
> ...


----------



## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

Can't it be both?


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


Never would although I do have a few friends who do and its usually because they are not open enough with wives to say what they really want.


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> Never would although I do have a few friends who do and its usually because they are not open enough with wives to say what they really want.




Believe me, it has nothing to do with what their wives may or may not do. Porn addiction has nothing to do with sex. The wife can offer herswlf daily, but if he's addicted to porn, porn is what he is going to turn to. Take it from someone that has been there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That can be true. It is also possible that someone will at first turn to porn because they are being rejected at home, and then they can become dependent, even if their partner stops rejecting them.



hifromme67 said:


> Believe me, it has nothing to do with what their wives may or may not do. Porn addiction has nothing to do with sex. The wife can offer herswlf daily, but if he's addicted to porn, porn is what he is going to turn to. Take it from someone that has been there.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

uhtred said:


> That can be true. It is also possible that someone will at first turn to porn because they are being rejected at home, and then they can become dependent, even if their partner stops rejecting them.




I guess it can be true but usually, men are exposed to porn at a young age and are thpically addicted before marriage and relationships, thus the woman is not responsible for their addiction. Actually, a woman (or husband) is never responsible for their spouse's addiction. You and only you are responsible for what you turn to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Fear of rejection
Preformance anxiety
Lazy
Selfish
Loss of attraction
Resentful

I love average looking women only if they have desire for me!
When i watch its amature porn . 

But if i had a desires partner i WOULD NEVER WATCH PORN AGAIN. ........unless she wanted to watch it with me


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> That's not what I'm saying at all.
> 
> If she takes care of herself, gym, diet, she will be in good shape.
> If she has a healthy, high, adventurous sex drive, we would be doing similar things that are done in porn. No need for porn.
> ...


Great response to this thread. 

I'm in this situation now and have relied on porn because my wife is not adventurous enough or will not dress sexy behind closed doors. She's in great shape but the lack of the other characteristics just ruins it. 

OP if you do go the therapy route I'll forwarn you that both of you must be willing to go. My wife and I went and nothing changed but my bank account paying for the therapist (we've been to two different ones) 

She would sit in these sessions and say things will change, but it never did. So I've learned to just have a boring sex life without porn.







Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk




I would prefer making porn with my wife. Best of both worlds.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Otherwise it could be many reasons. Convenience, need for variety (sometimes it can be refreshing to come in a different way). I think i would only really worry if porn was always chosen to the exclusion of you. A few times here and there I don't think should be an issue.
I can completely understand you being baffled about it though.
Numbing emotional pain is interesting. I haven't noticed it was doing that particularly (when I was in pain and then masturbated to porn). Sometimes it helps with falling asleep but would still be bit depressed afterwards though.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## emuna (Nov 1, 2016)

badsanta said:


> The combination of porn, masturbation, and orgasm (sometimes referred to as PMO) can be a rather addictive experience. The male sexual response is much different than that for females based on everything I have read.
> 
> In my post earlier, I would choose porn NOT because I was desperate to have sex, but because I was in pain. *PMO for a male can be as powerful as taking a valium!* The side effects will numb any emotional pain.
> 
> ...


Interesting, I never knew this


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Porn is like crack cocaine. You can get a different woman, different situation, more excitement than real sex. Check out sites that deal with the whole "no fap" thing. there are young dudes out there unable to keep an erection with PIV sex because they have used porn so much. There is a phrase, PED (porn erectile dysfunction).

A willing wife is work. Foreplay, timing, then sex, except the vagina is not going to provide the same stimulation and intensity as a hand. Heck, there are young hard bodied stereotypical hotties who are having young virile men going soft.

Porn is like crack. A willing wife is not. it is kinda oxymoronic actually. You watch someone else have sex so you can play with yourself instead of having actual sex yourself. Cocaine is a hell of a drug and so is porn.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Read an article recently that stated in a recent study of millennials, they are having less sex than the baby boomer generation, which is my generation. The reasons given were easy access to porn. It is much easier to watch porn and masturbate than to shower, shave and wear good clothes only to get rejected over and over again. Even if you get a date, there may still be no sex for weeks to come. Much, much easier to find something that arouses you online and masturbate to it.

Another reason was that millennials are more job focused and stressed out by modern living. More wives have careers than they did in my generation, when most wives did not work. I learned about sex the right way, from ill informed friends on the street.  I had nothing to fantasize about. If I was horny I had to go out and meet girls and that is what I have done since I was 11. My first date was in first grade. I like girls, what can I say.

I did not look at porn until just 5 years ago after being married for 39 years. It is not due to being computer illiterate since I run a national network and teach others how to use computers. I did not look at porn because I was getting a lot of sex in my real life. Then we moved away from our girlfriend of 30 years and it was just me and my wife. Due to age and medical problems we went from threesomes most nights to just couple sex and limited couple sex at that. I started to watch porn because my libido was still high, but after menopause, my wife's libido did not match mine.

The problems started when she was in the mood for sex and I had already masturbated to porn a few times. It was just easier to do that then to shower and shave before getting into bed with a wife who cannot/does not like, intercourse and has not had it with me for longer than we can remember. I essentially was getting from her what I could do easier myself. When masturbation got out of hand, pardon the pun, I suggested a fetish called teasing and denial and that is what we are into now.

I have also read that many men do exactly as I did, prefer porn to sex with their wives. I happen to be lucky in that my wife is willing to try anything once but many guys are into fetishes that their wife will not try. Just read all the posts on sex related forums to see what I mean. Why have sex with your wife when you can watch any kind of sex act that arouses you and masturbate to it. Some wives are into plain vanilla sex. A kink is something you want to do but a fetish is something that you have to do. If you do not feed your fetish it will gnaw at you until you do. You will resent your wife for not engaging in your fetish. The other problem is that after watching porn you need more and more extreme stuff to get aroused. I have been there and I have done a lot of extreme stuff since I was 19. 

So there you have it. Many men do prefer porn to sex with the person they have already had sex with for a thousand times, doing the same things over and over again.


----------



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I'll be almost too honest with my answer here as this used to be how I would behave a long time ago.
> 
> I would try to initiate sex with my wife, but I could tell she was not really in the mood. She would offer to let me have sex with her, but explained that I would just need to be quick and not take too long if I really needed to. At the time that would _really hurt my feelings_ because I felt as if she had predetermined that she was not even going to try and enjoy intimacy with me, and I desperately wanted it to be a _shared_ experience.
> 
> ...


Nothing like being an item on a to do list to turn a man with self worth off. If he knows that he is good and you are not at least happy about it like it's a job; Well you might soon find yourself out of a job. Try to use your Va -Jay jay as a weapon or control is just as bad.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Molly,

There are two completely different types of debate about porn. 

The first - whether or not it is a bad thing in marriage even when it doesn't interfere with a partners desire for a certain level of frequency. In this situation, porn is acts as an 'overflow' valve, not a replacement for marital sex. 

Folks have strong feelings about this in both directions - and there isn't a conclusive logical argument in either direction despite the fact that folks on both sides claim to have the high ground. 

The second is entirely different and pertains to the situation where porn is a replacement for marital sex. I have never seen anyone argue that this is acceptable behavior. Replacing your physical connection with a partner, with an LCD screen or vibrator is a type of infidelity. In a way it is cheating because you are choosing to have sex with yourself instead of the person you are with. In simplest terms, it shows that you love yourself a LOT more than your partner....





Mollymolz said:


> Here's a question for the boys. Why would you chose porn over your wife when she's home and willing?
> 
> Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## mjk101 (Mar 20, 2017)

I can only comment on this topic about my experience. I love my wife and I would never want to hurt her, exchange her or in any other way jeopardize my relationship with her. And I think that our relationship is great we communicate about everything even about me watching porn (which she is against). Furthermore I would say that I don't choose porn over sex but more that I am unsatisfied with our sex and the "thing" that is missing is found in porn. 

This got me thinking, what exactly is that "thing". I have an analogy to explain my train of thought. My love language is "physical touch" and her's is "acts of service" (if you don't know what that means look it up it's rather cool to know) I asked her if she feels loved when she is performing an act of service or if she is receiving the act of service. Her answer was receiving (when she is performing an act of service she is showing love). The same goes for me, i feel loved when she touches me not when I touch her (even tho it's very pleasurable). Because when I touch her, it's me showing her in my love language that I love her. how is this relevant? It's because in our sex life I am the one initiating sex as well as controlling it (not by choice but because she just wont do it) she likes to layback and do nothing during sex which is not satisfying my need for touch. Is she willing to have sex? Yes. And Yes we have sex and we both came and it felt good but I did not feel loved. Allowing me to have sex or wanting me to have sex with her are 2 different things for me.

If you think about the way girls act in porn is contrary to the behaviour of my wife. In porn it seems like the girl wants sex that she is horny and wants to please and pleasure the guy and also be pleased and pleasured by the guy.

And even if that is unrealistic to expect, that is at least what I ache for. I can fantasize about that in porn, (not to replace my wife but fantasizing my wife doing that to me.) That being said, I mentioned that she don't like it if I watch porn and I did stop and now am "porn free" for almost 1 year. I love her and am not just an male animal that is addicted to porn or sex.
Which I don't deny that porn is addictive and for me it was easier to quit smoking than to quit porn.
Sorry I got longwinded but I want to fix this in my relationship somehow and that something i don't have an answer for.


----------



## mjk101 (Mar 20, 2017)

I guess what I am trying to say is, talk to him. If he feels like i do and if you are willing/ want sex maybe that's the fix?


----------



## napsternova (Mar 10, 2017)

Not a chance. Even with my favorite stroker I would choose my wife for so many reasons.


----------



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

mjk101 said:


> I can only comment on this topic about my experience. I love my wife and I would never want to hurt her, exchange her or in any other way jeopardize my relationship with her. And I think that our relationship is great we communicate about everything even about me watching porn (which she is against). Furthermore I would say that I don't choose porn over sex but more that I am unsatisfied with our sex and the "thing" that is missing is found in porn.
> 
> This got me thinking, what exactly is that "thing". I have an analogy to explain my train of thought. My love language is "physical touch" and her's is "acts of service" (if you don't know what that means look it up it's rather cool to know) I asked her if she feels loved when she is performing an act of service or if she is receiving the act of service. Her answer was receiving (when she is performing an act of service she is showing love). The same goes for me, i feel loved when she touches me not when I touch her (even tho it's very pleasurable). Because when I touch her, it's me showing her in my love language that I love her. how is this relevant? It's because in our sex life I am the one initiating sex as well as controlling it (not by choice but because she just wont do it) she likes to layback and do nothing during sex which is not satisfying my need for touch. Is she willing to have sex? Yes. And Yes we have sex and we both came and it felt good but I did not feel loved. Allowing me to have sex or wanting me to have sex with her are 2 different things for me.
> 
> ...


Great post!

This is my wife all the way. Enjoys the sex once we get started, but she just likes to go through the motions. She doesn't understand the please and pleasure aspect. 

Good for you quitting porn. I dabble when I'm not satisfied (once in a while).

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


----------



## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

There are a lot of reasons why a man would choose porn over his wife, who is willing. First, he may not want to get her pregnant, he may not want to deal with the other person, he may not want to spend the time satisfying her, or sex with her may be generally disappointing, (maybe she sounds like a Hyena or something).

A similar question, "Why does he make himself a sandwich when I am willing to make him one?" Because you don't do it right, because you ask too many questions, because you insist on the healthy whole wheat bread, because you skimp on the mayo.....


----------

