# Should you settle on some things to marry?



## dall (Feb 22, 2017)

I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with a 29 year old woman for 15 months. I think we are both settling. 

Her:
-She has an 8 year old child from a previous relationship. That relationship lasted 5 years and has been over for 7 years. 
-She was single for 6 years before we met, no one wanted to date her. 
-She was getting bullied by her family and her ex's family for not having found someone yet. 
-Her ex re-married and had 3 more kids, she couldn't even get a 2nd or 3rd date. 
-She was raped 15 years ago, which I won't go into details but it was instigated by an ex-boyfriend
-Our sex life has always had difficulties. She agreed to an open relationship, maybe to keep me around. I have sex with 2 specific women, I don't tell my GF when so she doesn't worry about it. She doesn't go outside the relationship, though she could for a need I wasn't meeting. 
-I have known her for 12 years. Her ex (son's father) has been my best friend for 15 years. She was very into me for 10 years but didn't think I'd like her
-She says she is happy, but she doesn't think anyone else will want her either

Me: 
-Let's be honest, dating and marrying your best friends ex is odd. There are awkward times.
-Her ex is the one who set us up, it was his idea for us to go out. He knew she had always been into me, even during their relationship, and was having trouble getting a man interested. He still doesn't care at all. He's asked if I'm going to marry her.
-Her ex still cares about her, they get along well. If I hurt her (unintentionally of course) our friendship might suffer. 
-He'd be my first pick for a best man, my GF finds that uncomfortable
-Her family, her ex's family hate us. Maybe not hate, strongly dislike. Her family dislikes me for "stealing" another man's woman even though they were long broken up and he was re-married. Her ex's family (who she sees because of the shared child) hates her and me. 
-Our friends are uncomfortable with it. They are getting better but there are still awkward times and we've lost a couple friends. 
-She doesn't like PDA because of how harshly we were judged
-Our sex life is down the toilet and has never been great. She's insanely tight, to the point that penetration is hard, it hurts her (no medical issues), condoms make her itchy, I finish too fast with her (we're talking seconds). 
-Her ex left her because the sex sucked 
-We have sex a couple times a month but it's not good. Just to get it over with. 
-She has an IUD but we always use condoms because for some reason I don't trust her OR maybe I really don't want a baby with her
-The relationship is open and the sex with other women is far better. No issues lasting. 
-My GF is attractive, but she isn't the sexiest person I've been with. I have stronger sexual feelings for other women. 

It's a difficult situation because part of me feels like... Ok. You are 35 and you have never married, time to sh*t or get off the pot. There is no perfect woman. She's an amazing woman and we get along well. We have fun together, challenge each other, have similar hobbies, dreams and travel goals, we want the same things in life. She is attractive, kind, caring, successful, smart, can take care of herself, knows how to compromise, good communication. It's hard to find someone like her. The sex is poor, BUT she tries. Maybe I should be settling for a poor sex life and pissing family off to have a great woman. I've been with some women who are great in the bedroom, but bat **** crazy outside of it.

Marrying her would mean having a good wife, the trade off would be a poor sex life, losing some friends and dealing with **** from family. But sex life can always change, in either direction for married couples. Friends come and go. I could meet another woman and her family could hate me for other reasons.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Oh boy. I think the fact that you're already going outside of the relationship because she's unable to meet your needs is a recipe for disaster in marriage. I think there are some things that can be overlooked/settled for but in your case, I don't think you two are compatible. Now, if you didn't care about the sex then I'd be saying something different.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Doesn't sound like a good match, honestly. No one is perfect, but you have too many doubts, it seems.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If the relationship is open just end it. It looks like that's where this is headed anyway.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There are always things to settle on because no one person or marriage is perfect. From what you describe, my advice is DO NOT MARRY HER.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

This is for real? If so, DON'T DO IT! 

You two should be having sex every chance you can get. Sending each other naughty texts throughout the day with a few pics for tease. You should banging 5-7 times a week and not thinking about other pu$$y.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

dall said:


> I'm 35 and have been in a relationship with a 29 year old woman for 15 months. I think we are both settling.


Any chance of having a normal well-rounded relationship probably requires the two of you (and her son) moving far, far away from all the drama and starting over. How can you and her ever improve your sex life if you are getting your sexual needs met by other women? As you referred to, she must really have zero confidence about her self-worth. Her problems in additional to the problems with your relationship are probably too much to overcome.


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## dall (Feb 22, 2017)

Thanks for the replies, the shared opinion by everyone is what I was expecting to get. Maybe I just needed validation that leaving her at this point is the right decision. 

Going outside the relationship (or marriage) for sex worries me. She has said that she understands the need to have the relationship open. She doesn't call it an open relationship. She has expressed interest in me going to an "erotic massage parlor" instead of seeing who I see. They are legal here. She doesn't know who I see, just that neither of them are friends of ours. One is an ex-gf from 20 years ago, the other someone I know but my GF doesn't. Keeping it very "hidden" works better for my GF. I hide it as much as I can. 

It wasn't how I imagined spending married life. She is such a good woman and she tries to make our sex life better. If she wasn't trying I'd have been gone long ago. I hope that it will get better but realistically it probably won't. At times it feels like I need to just settle on that, at least she is letting me step outside the relationship for sex.



> Any chance of having a normal well-rounded relationship probably requires the two of you (and her son) moving far, far away from all the drama and starting over. How can you and her ever improve your sex life if you are getting your sexual needs met by other women? As you referred to, she must really have zero confidence about her self-worth. Her problems in additional to the problems with your relationship are probably too much to overcome.


It's possible that moving might help some aspects of the relationship. It would cut down on the family and friend drama. Her ex (son's father) would never go for her moving. They have 50/50 custody and he's very active in their son's life. Especially for a reason of just wanting to move. She wouldn't leave her son behind, and I wouldn't respect her if she did. 

Our sex life issues are complicated. We've been together for 15 months, the relationship has been open for 4-5 months. It took 6 months for her to be able to have sex with me. In the beginning we were having sex 1-2x a day. It wasn't good, mind you, but we were trying often. She did things that I knew she was uncomfortable with because she wanted to make me happy/satisfied. We both got frustrated with how things were going. She wanted to be "good" and knew she wasn't (I don't like wording it that way). She knew I was unhappy/unsatisfied and she'd get more stressed about it, try harder, fail, get more upset/stressed. We hit a rough patch, I cheated. I told her about it with the intention of needing to end the relationship, she said it was ok and to keep doing it. 

With the stress off her things changed. I can't say whether they improved or got worse because I really don't know, but they changed. We do still have sex, 2-4x a month I'd say. 

Her ex threw their 5 year relationship in the trash because of their sex life, which was almost the same as ours. He threw it in her face more and she has damage from that, along with damage from being gang raped. As a comparison it took her a few years to get intimate with her ex, including kissing. When I first met her, 12 years ago, my first impression of her was that she was really weird. I didn't know about her past. She wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't go near anyone, if too many people walked by her she bolted, if the group of friends was too big she walked far away. She has made a lot of improvements, none of those things are issues anymore and she comes off as a normal person to outsiders. I don't know if she can improve anymore or not. 

Her self-worth is non-existent. She was single for so long and went on dates but couldn't get follow up dates, she felt like no one would ever want her or she wasn't good enough for anyone. She is in therapy, she has been for 15 years. She thinks agreeing to an open relationship/marriage is the only way she'll be able to have a man.

If I end the relationship with her I'm going to confirm for her that she is worthless and no man will want her (in her mind).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

dall said:


> If I end the relationship with her I'm going to confirm for her that she is worthless and no man will want her (in her mind).


Not if you go about it in a decent way. Incompatible is incompatible, there really doesnt need to be more to it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Only a therapist can help her. She has deep issues and needs help.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

dall said:


> If I end the relationship with her I'm going to confirm for her that she is worthless and no man will want her (in her mind).


It might, but in any case, she needs some type of therapy and you should not stay with her mostly because you feel sympathy for her. In any case, it's a very unhealthy situation that reminds me of something I might watch on Investigative Discovery. Maybe you should move far way by yourself and start over.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> If I end the relationship with her I'm going to confirm for her that she is worthless and no man will want her (in her mind).


 If you stayed with her it would probably be a worse experience for her


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is so obviously a horrendous idea to marry someone where the intimacy is awful -while banging other women on the side....

OMG.. I am having trouble believing this post is for real.. this is so beyond "settling" to me.. I feel bad for her.. for even entertaining trying to keep you around.. what a train wreck.. I can't even comprehend how this could be OK with a woman...

You are not the least bit in love with her.. if anything.. you feel sorry for her.. just like her ex - in trying to pawn other men on her.. She deserves better.. and you need to find someone you are enthralled with, who brightens your life , where you love the intimacy, can't get enough where even thinking about others loses it's appeal... only THIS can bring you to a healthy level of " commitment "..


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

She needs to see a therapist.

Her reasons for the sex, self esteem and letting you have sex with other people almost certainly stem from her rape.

If you care for this woman, try to get her help and keep it in your pants to see how therapy works.

If she wont go or it doesn't help then break up.

Her not having someone want to go past 2 or 3 dates was not because of the men, it was because of her deep emotional issues that probably stem from the ptsd that she probably has from being the victim of violence.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

xMadame said:


> She needs to see a therapist.
> 
> Her reasons for the sex, self esteem and letting you have sex with other people almost certainly stem from her rape.
> 
> ...




QFT

she is clearly still traumatized from being raped... as a CSA survivor I can tell you that even after making huge progress after years of therapy, I still trigger and can have nightmares.

The way you describe her behaviors in crowds and such makes perfect sense for PTSD stemming from the rape. Most sex assault victims feel dirty, or unworthy and subconsciously push partners and prospective partners away. I did. 

I also had serious problems with sex, and once I made sufficient progress with my therapy I also saw a sex therapist to help me deal with those issues. Often women who suffer vaginal rape trigger and muscles become painfully tight as a defense mechanism... perhaps a sex therapist could help her with this.

Regardless, the current dynamic you have does not work. She feels validated in her worthlessness when you find sex outside the relationship, and you feel guilty. If you choose to stay together, hold off on marriage and work on your issues, and consider sex therapy.




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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is so obviously a horrendous idea to marry someone where the intimacy is awful -while banging other women on the side....
> 
> OMG.. I am having trouble believing this post is for real.. this is so beyond "settling" to me.. I feel bad for her.. for even entertaining trying to keep you around.. what a train wreck.. I can't even comprehend how this could be OK with a woman...
> 
> You are not the least bit in love with her.. if anything.. you feel sorry for her.. just like her ex - in trying to pawn other men on her.. She deserves better.. and you need to find someone you are enthralled with, who brightens your life , where you love the intimacy, can't get enough where even thinking about others loses it's appeal... only THIS can bring you to a healthy level of " commitment "..


100% agree with this. My heart breaks for this poor woman. She tries so hard, causing herself further damage in the process and STILL no man has considered her "worth it".

She deserves so much better than the crap she's getting now. I hope she finds someone who sees past her issues, and is willing to help her overcome the trauma of her past, and not just dump her because she's "bad in bed".


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