# How do u start to rebuild ur self confidence?



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

How do u start to rebuild ur self confidence after its been destroyed? I'm so broken and down - everyone tells me I'm beautiful that I'm wonderful but I just don't feel it. My husband has been trying but how am I suppose to believe him? I feel myself longing for attention.... Which I think is a dangerous place to be. I want someone to take notice of me. To be all about me. I want to feel the attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel. I think the worse thing either one of us could do would be a revenge affair of any sort or to seek comfort from someone other than our husbands. We both deserve to be better to ourselves than that. We need to take our feelings and work them out within the confines of our support system and marriages. 

I had been pondering/fantasizing about it for over eight months until I read this: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55195-just-found-out-going-nuts.html

You don't have to read the entire post, just go through the original poster's posts and see for yourself the pain he is in. I love my husband and what he did to me nearly killed me. I will never be the kind of person who brings that kind of pain to someone, even if they did it to me first.

Two nights ago I was getting undressed and my husband walked up to me and sincerely told me how beautiful I was and gave me a wonderful hug. Do you know what I did? I said to myself "Yeah, I am so damn beautiful you decided to fook around with your best friend's girl". I self sabotage which is hurting me and my marriage. A marriage, by the way, I have worked VERY hard to rebuild. I need to stop doing that and I am getting better at controlling my cynical self. You need to stop doing that kind of thing too!

I also realized that the state of my marriage has no bearing on my self worth. I did not deserve what he did to me and what he did to me was about him, not me.

I also began doing things that I really enjoy. I started sewing, reading and simply doing things that *I* like to do. Don't get me wrong, I in no way withdrew from my husband or marriage but it dawned on me that I was not feeding myself so to speak and had not been for many years.

I am also very honest which seems overly simply but it has done wonders for me. Sharing my feelings has taken the weight from the inside and move it to the outside if that makes any sense. I can then move past what is holding me/us back and make progress.

I don't know how long it has been since your DDay but give yourself time. Be good to yourself.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Know that it was not your fault that he cheated. Know that you did not deserve that. Know that as much as you try to make sense of it, at some level it won't ever make sense. Know that you are not crazy, even though you feel like you're losing your grip. Know that what you feel is normal. Know that for a while, there is no normal, and that is ok. Know that you have value, as a human, as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as an individual. Know that at some point things will be better. Know that the awful feelings will not be forever. Know that some days will be worse than others. Know that some days will be better than others. Know that there will be a first day that you don't think about all of it. Know that you deserve love. Know that you are worthy of love.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You're right, you are in a dangerous place. You need to hold on to yourself. You need to hold on to your values. You need to do things that your husband failed to do. You need to do that for yourself. Keep your self respect, keep your respect for others. Don't use them, nor allow yourself to be used.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The hardest part is not to tear ourselves down. I am guilty of doing it myself. Do Not stoop to the same level your WW did. I believe that it will only destroy our self esteem even more. Just know that there are plenty of us in your shoes. And we are all here to build each other up and keep each other from doing rash and stupid things. hugs


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## Petyot (Aug 31, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Know that it was not your fault that he cheated. Know that you did not deserve that. Know that as much as you try to make sense of it, at some level it won't ever make sense. Know that you are not crazy, even though you feel like you're losing your grip. Know that what you feel is normal. Know that for a while, there is no normal, and that is ok. Know that you have value, as a human, as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as an individual. Know that at some point things will be better. Know that the awful feelings will not be forever. Know that some days will be worse than others. Know that some days will be better than others. Know that there will be a first day that you don't think about all of it. Know that you deserve love. Know that you are worthy of love.


Very nicely said


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You should understand that, while your marriage may have had problems, and you are partially responsible for those problems, you didn't cause your husband to cheat. A responsible person will face marital problems with counseling, books, talking, and working on the problems. An irresponsible person will duck the problems by cheating.

Also, you should realize how men operate when choosing affair partners. They don't usually start looking for a stranger to seduce. They usually go after an available woman. They pick a coworker, neighbor, or some other woman already in their social circle. Beauty and sex appeal are secondary to availability.

Lastly, you can take some solace in other women who have been cheated on. Princess Diana, Eva Longoria, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, and Reese Witherspoon were all cheated on. So, beauty and sex appeal in spades doesn't mean your husband won't take an easy lay from a less attractive woman who happens to be available.

Good luck.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Don't contemplate on this so much. Most BS that are smart become healthier physically and mentally. They exercise at home, become active and busy. The only time you should be having these thoughts really is before you sleep. Keep yourself busy and healthy. Women are more susceptible to depression than men, we(us men) have testosterone, and yet we (us men) still have overly abundance in estrogen from our foods.

It is extremely tough to be betrayed. Most of us are not up to par in our health, body and mind. We let stress take the best of our energies. Take up a hobby, I recommend a healthy hobby, such as the art of juicing or exercising or both.
Some hydro therapy, a juice fast, for the body will help ease and calm your mind, keep you busy, normalize estrogen levels and increase the proteolytic enzymes in your body making your skin and face amazing in as little as 1.5 weeks, help previous scars on your skin and inside your body organs and muscles (from infection, disease, operations, birth etc). It will completely clean your blood, change your body, its amazing becoming healthy and you watching it happen before your eyes in a matter of weeks. Typical pain problems, like menstrual pains, arthritis, depression, etc etc will lessen.

Don't believe me? Google it, there are plenty of testimonials, and its an good and fast way to improve confidence and health. I recommend it to most of my clients with urgent needs.

Aside from that, time is always there to pass and "help" but while time goes by why not help yourself along further into self improvement that will radiate from you that EVERYONE will notice and be motivated and literally "impressed".


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I know I'm probably an anomaly but here I sit, a woman who has been shunned and scorned and who is currently 9 months pregnant... with the belly the size of a small planet and yet; I feel like a total sexpot, tigress and a goddess because I choose to still feel beautiful. The fact that my ex can't see my worth or didn't value it enough to stay faithful to me, is of no force and effect when it comes to that. 

Look at his affair for what it was. What it was is a sad and pathetic attempt to make himself feel better from the outside in. It's something to pity him for really. It wasn't that you weren't good enough. It's that he wasn't good enough to be good to you. At least not then. Unfortunately, your self-confidence was flat-lined as a result but now it's up to you to grab the defibrillator and bring it back. 

I know that it's difficult for you and others to believe, but your worth and your beauty does not come from the look in your husband's eyes. Your sex appeal, beauty, value as a human being is something that is already within you and this affair does not change that nor can it take it away if you don't let it.

It is up to you and you alone to determine that you are a person of value, that you are desirable and that you are deserving of respect and awe. It's time for you to reclaim your self-worth and take your power back. The affair was like a robbery by gunpoint but now that it's over, it's you whose holding the gun to your head and you need to put that gun down.

If I was feeling low about myself (I have in the past but for some reason, the affair didn't knock me down in this respect), here's what I'd do/did:

Start doing things that make you feel and recognize your worth. Take care of your body from the inside out - NOT AS AN ATTEMPT TO LOOK BETTER FOR _HIM_. But because you need to take care of you. Eat a healthy, balanced diet that gives you energy and drink plenty of water. 

Next, sweat. Really - bust your @ss and workout - this is advice I can't heed at the moment but have every intention of doing so as soon as I am able. Not only will you look better but exercise releases an endorphin that will make you feel better. Personally, after a good workout, I feel better about my body in general _for what it can do - not just what it looks like_. 

Third, take care of your outer appearance. Spend a few extra moments slathering on lotion after a shower to make your skin supple. Get a hair-cut or dye job if you wish. Wear scents that appeal to you. Wear clothes that appeal to you and a little make-up if that's what you're into. If your WS, likes it too, then whatever, good on him I guess but this is for you. 

Emotionally, remember that you are loved. I have very little family but the ones that I do have, add light into my life and have given me the warm embrace that my ex certainly did not. I have a few friends that do the same for me as well.

Do things that you are good at and enjoy doing. Try to do at least one thing (more is better) that makes your life better and happier every day. Right now is the time for self-care and self-love. So do something(s) that inspire you and add light back into your life. For me, it's journaling, good music, volunteering, long walks/hikes, biking and spending time giggling with my son. For you it might be something else - find it.

Lastly, shut up those negative thoughts. Everyone has them (even this "tigress, goddess, belly the-size-of-a-planet having sex-pot" here) but don't let them consume you. Each time you find yourself putting yourself down or making you feel less worthy, say two things that reverse it. If that's too hard right now (it will get easier) then at the very least - divert it and focus on something that makes life/you feel better instead of worse.

Another way to do the last point is to stop disregarding the compliments of others. Learn how to accept compliments graciously instead of downplaying them. I do realize your WS's compliments might seem contrived at the moment so look to the ones you get from friends, family, and even strangers queuing in line at the store etc. Once upon a time, I couldn't take a compliment to save my life. Now I thrive off of them.  Writing them down (seems strange but helped me) and reading them when I was feeling low helped them to sink in a bit more.... Giving people compliments and seeing them light up also has the same effect on you (at least for me). Making someone feel good/smile usually makes me feel the same way.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

I'm not familiar with your situation cattiva, but Miss Taken says everything I was going to say (plus more), and a whole lot better than I could say it. Your self confidence starts with you.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

I could do to read this whole page every day to remind myself how not to feel just as the OP describes it, because I am there too right now. Wow, you guys are good x


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Best news of all: use these forums to restore yourself and get even better!

There are advises worth tons of gold to find here.


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## teachgrl (Sep 7, 2012)

I am in the process of rebuilding my self confidence and the phrase that kills me is...you are such a strong woman. UGH!!! In some ways I am strong, I am raising my children and am facing a very difficult situation with love and hope for the future in my heart (looking at how well my children have turned out is helping with that). But when it comes to trusting, I am far from strong.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I'm glad this post is here, and love reading the responses. I too can relate to this. 

I think we all need to take this time to concentrate on OURSELVES. R or D - we need to LIKE ourselves. We need to love ourselves. Baby ourselves. Push ourselves. FIND ourselves. 

What does that take? All of the answers above, I think!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How do u start to rebuild ur self confidence after its been destroyed? I'm so broken and down - everyone tells me I'm beautiful that I'm wonderful but I just don't feel it. My husband has been trying but how am I suppose to believe him? I feel myself longing for attention.... Which I think is a dangerous place to be. I want someone to take notice of me. To be all about me. I want to feel the attention.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seek professional help, self-hypnosis CDs/tapes can also be of some help.


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