# Ready to move on.....



## Filo (Jan 23, 2021)

We have been married for 12 years and been together 20. College sweethearts that went at it hot and heavy from the get go. Oh the trouble we got in to! Our poor roommates were afraid to come back and catch us going at it. But problems started well before we got married. Admittedly, caused by me and my insecurities and my penchant to be fit and demands that she do the same. She gained a lot of weight and I resented her for it. I also had a lot of family problems that affected my ability to focus on school. Because of a negligent father and for the sake of my younger siblings, I dropped out of college and got my mother situated. She gave me moral support and loaned me money when I needed it. Once my family was stable I moved closer to her while she finished school and got my life and finances back on track. We got married and I finished school so we both made enough to live comfortably. But we didn't. Our roles reversed. She brought with her a lot of credit card debt. Despite her father giving her tens of thousands of dollars from property he sold. She would spend freely on herself and would donate extravagantly to her church and would resent me telling her to cut back. We put off kids because she wanted to get a masters degree for a job she was unhappy with. Once we started a family she demanded the most expensive things for our children. And with us drowning in 50k in debt she decides to quit her job and stay with the kids. I cant say no to that since it is the best thing for a 6 and 2 year old kids. 

But more importantly we just fell out of love. She says she loves me but puts Kids, work, church and her family in front of me. Of course our children should be our first priority. but resents having to do anything for me. I do my own laundry and she won't as much as move my clothes from the washer to the dryer. Despite her not working and not really going to church, she refuses to reduce her donations. And she constantly complains about my job. I work Monday-Thursday and make 6 figures. Occasional overtime, but when she worked she worked 60 hrs a week with no extra pay. 

Sadly, I started to do the same. I just don't care to make her happy anymore. I am convinced that I can't. I just stopped trying and we put on a farce for the sake of the kids. This has put us both in a depression. I am far from perfect. I love my kids but fatherhood does not fulfill me 100%. I don't smoke or drink but I have to get out of the house and exercise. I don't believe in sacrificing absolutely everything for the sake of kids being absolutely happy. I don't want to raise spoiled children and the expense of me being broke and fat. I hate scheduled play time and reading time and all those things kids need. I just want to take the boys outside and dig holes and ride bikes. I am analytical and non-romantic by nature. I love holidays and family time but hate valentine's day and gift giving and receiving between adults in general. 

This has all come to a head. I flipped when she accused me of forcing her to go back to work to a job she hates when both kids enter school. I was merely telling her that she should consider it because she is very close to earning a full pension and putting in two or four more years might be worth it. It would also allow us early retirement since our healthcare would be paid for until we reach Medicare age. She accused me of using her and sacrificing her for my sake!

Truth be told I was hedging by bets. If we stick it out, I would love to leave my job, which is also extremely stressful. I could in no way afford to not work but I could do something that I enjoy more and not worry about insurance for the family. But I was already thinking that separation and divorce was inevitable. In that case all the benefit would be for her. She could earn a full pension and with alimony and child support she would always be financially stable. But since I am "always out to get her" she accused me of horrible things. I got so upset I finally told her my truth. I am not in love with you anymore. This is all fake and I don't think you lover me anymore either. I never lose my cool so she was shocked. Later that day she said we should prepare to separate. I agreed. Our kids would be better off I think. They will wise up to having two miserable parents and I think that is worse than splitting time between two happy parents. 

But of course now she has changed her mind. She spoke to her pastor and she knows she has taken me for granted and hurts for the kids. I think she is is sincere. She is not very good at lying. But I do not see myself falling back in love with her. I think in a few months we will be back where we are today. I wish it was possible. I do lover her and her pain breaks my heart. I on the other hand am ready to move on. I would be majorly f*&%#ed financially for the rest of my life, but i would be happier and less stressed out. What worries me is that, I don't think she would be happier. She would be more miserable and I think our kids would suffer. And for this reason I think I should agree to stay. She says she is going to work at rekindling our feelings for one another. And I am actually considering letting her and at least pretending that it is working. Am I a monster to consider this? Am I robbing her of the opportunity for her to find her prince charming? She is very beautiful and still young (mid 40s). She is not wanting for men's attention. I on the other hand am done with relationships. I want to focus on more important things. My kids, seeing my mom live comfortably the last years of her life, my well being. Maybe helping to save the planet. LOL. I'm dreaming big. 

I'm sorry for rambling. Truthfully i don't know what to write. What is relevant. What is the use........ Our friends and family will be so shocked and we have not told anyone anything. I have no one to speak to.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Filo said:


> We have been married for 12 years and been together 20. College sweethearts that went at it hot and heavy from the get go. Oh the trouble we got in to! Our poor roommates were afraid to come back and catch us going at it. But problems started well before we got married. Admittedly, caused by me and my insecurities and my penchant to be fit and demands that she do the same. She gained a lot of weight and I resented her for it. I also had a lot of family problems that affected my ability to focus on school. Because of a negligent father and for the sake of my younger siblings, I dropped out of college and got my mother situated. She gave me moral support and loaned me money when I needed it. Once my family was stable I moved closer to her while she finished school and got my life and finances back on track. We got married and I finished school so we both made enough to live comfortably. But we didn't. Our roles reversed. She brought with her a lot of credit card debt. Despite her father giving her tens of thousands of dollars from property he sold. She would spend freely on herself and would donate extravagantly to her church and would resent me telling her to cut back. We put off kids because she wanted to get a masters degree for a job she was unhappy with. Once we started a family she demanded the most expensive things for our children. And with us drowning in 50k in debt she decides to quit her job and stay with the kids. I cant say no to that since it is the best thing for a 6 and 2 year old kids.
> 
> But more importantly we just fell out of love. She says she loves me but puts Kids, work, church and her family in front of me. Of course our children should be our first priority. but resents having to do anything for me. I do my own laundry and she won't as much as move my clothes from the washer to the dryer. Despite her not working and not really going to church, she refuses to reduce her donations. And she constantly complains about my job. I work Monday-Thursday and make 6 figures. Occasional overtime, but when she worked she worked 60 hrs a week with no extra pay.
> 
> ...


I think you should look into marriage counseling. It's possible that could fix your marriage, but you have to be open to it. Even if MC doesn't "save" your marriage it can help with divorcing and co-parenting. 

You would want to decide on a time period (say, 6 months) and realistic expectations. No one makes real changes in a day or two. Change takes a lot of time and people WILL mess up. 

If you have absolutely no intention on giving your marriage and family one final shot, then yes it's cruel to play your wife.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, you are responsible for your life. Debt, her not pulling her share, etc. Why did you not stand up before?

You only get used if you allow it to happen.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

I'm sorry about the situation you're in. How old are your kids? You said something about when they start school.

Unfortunately, my 2 cents, you have a father/daughter relationship with your wife. You're the meanie that won't let her have her way.
This won't get better, personally, I wouldn't want to be around her for one minute, much less married.

I'd see a lawyer, not a marriage counselor.

Best of luck to you and your kids.


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