# Wife cheated on me with my dad.



## dirt

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. I am 27 and she is 23. We have a 2 1/2 yr old daughter. In December we decided to let my dad move into our home to help him straighten out his life. He is an alcoholic, and compulsive gambler. 

I worked about 50 hrs a wk., and that left my wife and dad a lot of alone time. After a few months she started drinking heavily with my dad and our relationship was deteriorating. One night I went to bed and they stayed up drinking (one of many times) and I got up a few hours later and over heard my dad telling her how he loved her and wanted to "lay naked in the rain with her". I freaked out and the next day he apologized and told me how bad he felt and that it would never happen again. My wife told me he had to leave. Me, being a loving son, still wanted to save my dad. I really believed that he was sorry and that he was just drunk and that he wouldn't let it happen again. I talked to him and my wife and told them that i could forget about it because he really did need help and I didn't want to just give up on him because of it.

He stayed. About a month or so later, the same situation (I went to bed and they were up drinking) I over-heard him saying how he wants to cuddle with her and he told her he loved her and she said it back. I started throwing punches at my dad and my wife pulled me off of him. The next day we all had a talk and agreed that he had to move out. He just had to find a place to go first. After a few days of looking for a place for him I was in denial that my wife or my dad could do this to me and decided to let him stay.

Well, it is now July and I caught my wife and my dad doing the dirty. I beat the sh!t out of my dad (the ambulance took him away) and I am living at my mom's house for the time being. 

I would really like to make things work with my wife because I love her dearly, but this is the most disgusting thing that I could imagine happening. We have a 2 year old daughter that I refuse to let be raised by a step father of any sort. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful.

Thank you in advance,
Dirt


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## Cypress

Sorry for you to be here under such terrible circumstances. This betrayal must be absolutely gut wrenching and revolting.Your dad should be drawn and quartered. He has no right to ever see his grandchildren. Talk to a lawyer and find out your rights.

Your wife needs AA and IC. Is she remorseful? Or is she staying with your dad in your house? She must never be in contact with your dad ever again. Did she have you removed from the home?


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## jnj express

Where is your wife in all this----you knew time after time, things were bad----you chose your father over your mge., and now you are paying the price---cuz you also did not stop your wife from drinking

What do you want now---as previous poster stated where is your dad, is he in your home with your wife---if so----and they are in a full blown A., you might as well just get a D., cuz you will never recover from the double betrayel

What does your wife have to say for her actions----she can't be that simple minded that she didn't know what was going down---why didn't she put a stop to what happened---she knew it was all wrong, yet she persisted in drinking, and having sex, to the ruination of the mge----WHY----is it that she is just an immature girl with the mind of a teen-ager, even if she is in her 20's----


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## ing

I am so sorry. I can not imagine the pain of this double betrayal.

1. You were betrayed by your Father
2. You were betrayed by you wife

You are going to have to work really hard to separate those two.


I am not that radical here but this is clear cut. Your Father tried to destroy your life.. This is a mind boggling betrayal.. I am so sorry.

Your wife..
She chose [drunk or not] to have sex with your Father. 

What does she have to say about it? 
Drinking with him seems really odd..

You need to get help on this one. It is almost too much to process. 

Do you have a counselor you can talk to?


Again. I am deeply sorry and my heart goes out to you.


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## Wolf359

Please, tell us more, did it go all the way?
Were is your wife at right now ?
How drunk was your dad on the night you caught him?
You need to see someone ASAP, to get this off of your head.
Has this ever happened to your wife before in other relationships?
Your wife said, he had to leave,maybe she was having a hard time with him, or maybe blackmail was happening.
What state do you live in? You may have to call the cops on this so you can get your son free and clear.
Is it's possible there was date rape drugs involved?
Does your dad suffer from mental illness at all?
I can not even think how you must feel about this. Do not kill your self over this, you need to be there for your son.

Please try to get some help, this is way more then a simple infidelity with the wife.


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## couple

Clearly this is revolting and the actions themselves speak for themselves, requiring no comment.

Providing him with an environment where he could drink all night with a young woman was never going to help his problems. She was a strong enabler for his alcohol problems. Aside from the sex which speaks for itself, he also was an enabler for your wife's own alcohol problems. A mother of a 2 year old drinking all night regularly at home is an alcohol problem.

I don't mean to be harsh but even without the sex or the sexual advances, this was not an environment where he could 'straighten out his life' and I think that would have been clear based on the lifestyle of all night drinking together that formed. Based on this alone, why didn't you change things early on?


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## Initfortheduration

unforgivable, use her disgusting behavior to gain custody of your daughter. If you take her back, you're as crazy as your dad.


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## dirt

Yes it went all the way. My dad is out of the house. My wife feels horrible and says she will never forgive herself. I know I should have stopped them hanging out all the time and I should have listened to her when she said he needed to go. I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening. 

She was a born again Christian when I met her. That obviously fizzled away... We have talked about trying to make our marriage work and she says the only way to do that is with God in our lives. I am going to propose to her that I will try going to church with her every Sunday if she goes to AA. 

Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dirt

Yes it went all the way. My dad is out of the house. My wife feels horrible and says she will never forgive herself. I know I should have stopped them hanging out all the time and I should have listened to her when she said he needed to go. I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening. 

As far as I know my father doesn't have any mental problems. And no there were no drugs involved. 

She says it was the only time they had intercourse, but that they had kissed before when they were drunk. She also said that she had cuddled with him in bed a few times also.

She was a born again Christian when I met her. That obviously fizzled away... We have talked about trying to make our marriage work and she says the only way to do that is with God in our lives. I am going to propose to her that I will try going to church with her every Sunday if she goes to AA. 

Other things to note:
1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

dirt said:


> Other things to note:
> 1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
> 2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talk to your pastor about a christian oriented programs relating to childhood sexual abuse, alcoholism, and affairs. You may also find some online as well.


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## michzz

I believe you and your wife need more than AA and going to church. Those things are good first steps.

However, there are serious issues that need addressing with a psychiatrist (wife) and marriage counseling for the both of you.

As for your father? Have nothing to do with him ever again.

He is a toxic, evil man.


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## AFEH

Hi Dirt, you are a codependent. Codependents are compassionate people who want to help others. Both your dad and your wife have problems and in some ways you’ve been looking to change them, improve their lives. But people with very deep problems can actually drag you down with them. Sometimes no matter how much you love them it is better to let them go and then there’s a chance they may heal themselves.

You have been seriously betrayed by two people who should be your anchors in life, who should love and support you instead betraying and abusing you.

You have to take care of yourself Dirt so you can be there for your daughter. You are on a little journey and I would suggest you look up codependency and buy some books on the subject.

I’m 62, a father of two sons in their 30s. I really feel for you and would love to give you some time here to recover from your shock and trauma. Do not be afraid of reaching out to anybody and talking with them about your innermost thoughts and feelings.


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## ing

dirt said:


> Yes it went all the way. My dad is out of the house. My wife feels horrible and says she will never forgive herself. I know I should have stopped them hanging out all the time and I should have listened to her when she said he needed to go. I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening.


Yes you should have stopped it ,and she did ask you to. At the same time I am not surprised you couldn't believe it was happening. 
It is almost unbelievable. 
This however does not excuse your wife choosing to do it. It is good she feels bad. This is a good start.




dirt said:


> As far as I know my father doesn't have any mental problems. And no there were no drugs involved.


No OTHER drugs involved and pursuing your sons wife is not the sign of a stable mind. Sorry.



dirt said:


> She says it was the only time they had intercourse, but that they had kissed before when they were drunk. She also said that she had cuddled with him in bed a few times also.


I think that it would be hard to do it twice for almost anyone. 



dirt said:


> She was a born again Christian when I met her. That obviously fizzled away... We have talked about trying to make our marriage work and she says the only way to do that is with God in our lives. I am going to propose to her that I will try going to church with her every Sunday if she goes to AA.


I would also suggest professional help. IC for her. IC for you and MC for both of you. This is a big one.
It is not enough to sweep this under the rug. If she wants to attend church then she should.




dirt said:


> Other things to note:
> 1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
> 2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't deal with this on your own Dirt. You are too close and hurt to be of any use. 

PLEASE get some professorial help for you and your wife.

I have to agree that your Father has to deal with it himself. You really can't have him in your life after this.


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## Runs like Dog

Ewwwwww.


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## Jellybeans

dirt said:


> I got up a few hours later and over heard my dad telling her how he loved her and wanted to "lay naked in the rain with her". I freaked out and the next day he apologized and told me how bad he felt and that it would never happen again. My wife told me he had to leave. *Me, being a loving son, still wanted to save my dad.* I really believed that he was sorry and that he was just drunk and that he wouldn't let it happen again. I talked to him and my wife and told them that i could forget about it because he really did need help and I didn't want to just give up on him because of it.


You need better boundaries *and* a reality check. 



dirt said:


> * I just couldn't make myself believe that this was actually happening. *





dirt said:


> * Other things to note:
> 1.she was molested by her older brother when she was a pre-teen.
> 2. Her single dad who "raised her" was an alcoholic and always at the bar. My wife raised herself and her little sister from the age of 8.
> Posted via Mobile Device*


*

Irrelevant. And as long as you are rationalizing her behavior away (and your dad's), you will never see how screwed up this is. 

My advice is to to move on get some counselling for yourself. To find out why you thought it was ok for him to stay after all of that and find out why you are still excusing your wife's behavior.



*


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## michzz

Dirt,

I did as you have been doing regarding your wife--cutting her slack for offenses done to her in her youth.

However, the resulting disturbed acting out she has done over the years has not been worth dealing with by me. It was a mistake to believe that the cheating I endured (most of in deep secret) and other bizarre behavior was a part of the marriage vow of in sickness and in health.

Disturbing behavior is not the same thing as, say, cancer or a broken leg.

It turns out that it is a lifelong free ticket for destructive, selfish behavior when it is not addressed properly.

I didn't sign up for it, I doubt you did either.

Your wife may be a passive participant in your father's game, but a participant she most definitely is.

Her reasons for participating may be rooted in her disturbing past. But so what!

At some point a person is responsible for their behavior - good or bad.

Think long and hard about the effects of having such a person rearing children.

Seems to me she cannot even handle coping with herself, let alone being a healthy role model for a family or even doing the day-to-day things a wife and mother must do.

The only shred of hope is if she is remorseful and does the work to repair herself and her relationship with you. But it is a very tiny, tiny window.

Take care of yourself and protect the family from this destruction. You need to bring your A game to this effort.


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## sinnister

There are plenty of wives out there that have been molested who don't turn out to be complete wastes of oxygen.

That is horrible man. Just incomprehensable.


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## sexuallyfustrated

Wow that is a lot to handle. Betrayal is one thing but when it is done with a familt memeber and a parent at that well.........I'm just in awww that they would do this. I'm sorry this is happing to you. I wish you the best of luck. Bless.


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## chillymorn

Troll?


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## Jellybeans

Yeah, that crossed my mind too Chilly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

I would walk away from both of them forever.


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## ahhhmaaaan!

_jerry_... _jerry_... _jerry_


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## dirt

Thank you for all your advice. I have decided to give our marriage a chance and I let it be known to my dad that he is dead to myself and my family. We start MC tonight and IC soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stumblealong

chillymorn said:


> Troll?


I don't think so. Seems genuine. This stuff happens...sometimes even to people who don't want to be on Springer. I know a mother who slept with her daughters husband. Pathetic.


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## Lon

dirt, thats a VERY generous gift you are giving her (possible too generous)... like NZH said, take some time before trying for R. IC and MC is good, but the goal right now is to heal yourselves first, not your M (that may come later if its what you both truly and wholly want).


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## lordmayhem

Exactly. In the immediate aftermath of DDay, when the BS is in the initial shocked/survival mode, the first instinct is to try to save the marriage at all costs. They have to both be ready to even consider R.


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## sexuallyfustrated

mother who slept with her daughters husband:
Things like that JUST HAPPENS.......hmmm sad day when that becomes the norm.


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## Lon

SF, not the norm, just a statistical inevitability.


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## stumblealong

sexuallyfustrated said:


> mother who slept with her daughters husband:
> Things like that JUST HAPPENS.......hmmm sad day when that becomes the norm.


I hope that NEVER becomes the norm! I don't think things like that JUST HAPPEN...but they occasionally do, unfortunately MOST people would not do this, the ones that do are so morally corrupt, beyond what most people can conceive of. Funny tho...this 'mother' who did this to her daughter was also an alcoholic. Hmmm...maybe too many brain cells have been fried. Or, alcohol can make people do immoral acts (or use it as an excuse to do the immoral act), or they were corrupt from the beginning and just happened to be alcoholics. Who knows!


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## Mom#2Bliss

(I guess it's easy to say here, because no one knows me) I've told ONLY my parents this, but I was molested by my male teenage babysitter when I was 7. Everytime he babysat us, and I did not tell anyone until I was 16years old, when he tried to come back to visit my family... my parents wondered why I was freaking out. However, I have NEVER once let that be my excuse for any bad decisions i've made. I've moved on from it, dealt with it, and am completely stronger because of it.. It gives NO ONE a reason to lie, cheat, do inexcuseable things. The fact that you are giving her that out, is appalling. Wake up man. She is dead wrong, no excuse. She and you both need some intense therapy if you are going to remain together. Good Luck.


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## Craggy456

You should have her get a pregnancy test


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## Forsaken

Hey Dirt,

I just want to say this so you hear it. It's ok to leave, you have every right to. In my honest opinion this act that she has committed is unforgiveable. You can try to convince yourself all you want but your not going to be able to forgive and most certainly never forget this. It's going to haunt you as long as you continue contact with either your W or "Father".

It's already hard enough for people that go through affairs to forget about something that happened with a stranger, let alone a friend, but a family member.... I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem negative but it really just seems unrealistic. I'm 9 months out from D-Day, my wife had an EA with 3 guys, 2 of which were our friends, I still am furious towards them. Its going to take a long time for me to forget what they all have done to me. I can't even imagine if my W had an EA/PA with my family member... I could never forget it.

Just take a bit and think about it. Can you really forgive her for this? Is this going to haunt you for the rest of your life everytime you look her in the eyes? everytime you kiss her? everytime she gets drunk and wants to have sex?

No one will blame you at all if you left. No one could blame you.

I'm so sorry that you have been through this double betrayal, we're all here to help you through this no matter what decision you make, just take some time and really think about the future.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

stumblealong said:


> alcohol can make people do immoral acts (or use it as an excuse to do the immoral act), or they were corrupt from the beginning and just happened to be alcoholics. Who knows!


alcohol does not make you do anything.
it only gives you the cajones to do something you already want to do and people think it will give them an out...
"im sorry baby but i was drunk, i didnt know what i was doing"
bs i say.

if she will do this with your father, she will certainly do it with someone you dont know so if you stay with her, be ready for it.


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## ing

lordmayhem said:


> Exactly. In the immediate aftermath of DDay, when the BS is in the initial shocked/survival mode, the first instinct is to try to save the marriage at all costs. They have to both be ready to even consider R.


:iagree:
Listen to this Dirt.
You are in shock. You are in survival mode. You need to allow this to sink in. We ALL loved/love our partners here, we simply would not be here if we didn't. This advice is hard won. 
Please get some help. For yourself. Allow yourself some time to heal.


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## ing

dirt said:


> Thank you for all your advice. I have decided to give our marriage a chance and I let it be known to my dad that he is dead to myself and my family. We start MC tonight and IC soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is a good start Dirt. Slow down.. Slow down..


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## DoveInTheMud

I actually came to realize through my own situation that it's ok to be quick to forgive, but you need to be absolutely determined to implement tough choices and consequences that are healing and preventative in nature.

You may want to look into 'Celebrate Recovery' as your wife has not only alcohol issues, but also meotional ones. 
You may in fact be both co-dependent, which is not uncommon when coming from a broken home and dysfunctional people around you. Emotional and verbal abuse often also lead to codependency.

I think it's great that you already decided to forgive her and give her another chance, but be VERY careful not to treat the situation too lightky like you did when your wife warned you that your dad needed to move out.

You'd probably each need WEEKLY counselling - churches can sometimes provide this service for free - and read up on co-dependency, emotional and verbal abuse and poor coping mechanisms. I would not be surprised if they are all involved, interlinked, etc...

God is amazing and can work miracles if you let him and stay focussed on His Truth.


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## LostViking

This is a zombie thread. Look at the dates.


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## tacoma

God is not going to fix this problem.

Divorce her while your daughter is too young to be traumatized by your divorce.

Waiting is just putting off the inevitable until your daughter is old enough to be traumatized by the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus

Sorry to hear what happened to you. You were betrayed by those who are supposed to be there for you to provide moral support and love when you are going through crises. Please find professional help, you need it. I am not talking about your wife, am talking about you only. You want to have your wife back, but I discourage you so far. The woman who cheated with your dad will cheat with anyone. she may blame alcohol or something, but in the beginning she should see your dad like her father and avoid this disgusting, incestuous behavior. Please be strong and fight to have you kid, your mom may help you to babysit. you are young you deserve better than that woman.


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## Acabado

Zombie thread!!!


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