# Dealing with lies about the EA



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I am hoping, I think in vain, that I will get suggestions for how to resolve a conflict I've been having. At a minimum, I need to vent!

My title refers to the lies I was told by the OW my partner had an EA with. Some background: She was a friend of mine who was starting a business and I suggested my partner help her build a website. This evolved into him being her de facto business partner and also producing goods for her business. At the time we both thought this could be a positive creative outlet for him and maybe a source of side income.

They started having long, involved discussions about the business on the phone and via chat. This coincided with my partner feeling increasingly distant from me, and he started developing feelings for her. He hit on her once and she rejected him, and soon after the business relationship and friendship both fell apart. My partner went on to have several physical encounters with other women after this point. 

I found out about him hitting on her from her directly after I confided in her about the other As. I'd known that her relationship with my partner had gotten dysfunctional but I didn't know the extent. Since I considered her a good friend, I believed her side of the story - that she had nothing but honorable intentions with the business partnership, that she was in a committed relationship herself when it happened, that because she lives 250 miles away nothing ever happened, and that she didn't tell me for fear I'd accuse her of homewrecking.

Well...six months later I was reading archived chat logs between them, just out of curiosity about if they talked about me. And I found out the following:

1. That she engaged him in flirtatious and sexual dialogue 
2. That she was in an open relationship, not an exclusive one
3. There were multiple "business trips" planned between them where it is not clear whether I was going to be invited or not - there are talks about their plans to get dinner at nice restaurants together with no mention of me - a lot of this is ambiguous, but suspicious. To my knowledge only one such trip happened where they were alone, which is when he hit on her.

So she is NOT the innocent person I thought she was, and the logs don't quite match her story. At a minimum it's really obvious she led him on in order to get lots of free work done for her business. After spending 20+ hours a week helping her for months, she never returned prototypes and tools he sent her and reneged on her agreement to advertise and sell his products. But the way she told it to me, it was my partner who screwed everything up.

I have been tempted for weeks to write her a nasty email exposing her for white washing the situation. We have drifted apart due to awkwardness from everything, but I am moving to her area soon and will inevitably run into her. It really bothers me that there have been no consequences for anything she did - that *I* reassured her how innocent she was and how she was so upstanding for rebuffing my partner's advances! I feel like I got duped and I hate that feeling and hate thinking of her going "whew, glad I never got called on the carpet for that one." She deserves to be ashamed of herself. 

Do you think I should confront her or just deal with this in therapy?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

NightOwl~

This is just my personal opinion, so take it for that okay? But it sounds to me like you're trying to dig up reasons to continue to be angry, and at this point I don't see any good that could come of writing her a nasty email. 

Here's the way I see it. The fact of the matter is that business in the USA is conducted with some flirting. If you don't believe that people in the workplace get special favors, longer lunches, fewer jobs, etc. by flirting a little with the boss...or get a few more pages typed, a little overtime, or a pleasant lunch with a pretty girl by flirting a little with the secretary then that's just not realistic. Is it right to do that? Heck no. But is it the way some business is done? Yep it is. Thus, based on what you presented as the things she supposedly did "wrong" I don't see that it's really outside of standard operating procedure. 

Furthermore, when you're going to lunch at work do you mention bringing your partner every single time? Probably not...and not due to lack of commitment. Your partner just may or may not be available for a business lunch kind of thing. Plus they would possibly have to 

Thus, in a way the things you've mentioned, while they don't sound entirely faultless, also don't really sound particularly worthy of "a nasty email" either. Any time there is an EA, both parties are somewhat involved--neither is faultless--and yet even with what you've said it sounds like the maximum she may have been guilty of (regarding inappropriate affair behavior) is going along and not instantly stopping the flirting. 

If anything I would be MUCH more angry about the refusal to return prototypes and tools he sent her and reneging on her agreement. Those are actual business contracts that were broken and are deserving of anger! Honestly, if it were me, I'd be more interested in figuring out what was going on that made me want to dig up old stuff about the affair and aim anger at someone else. Then again...that's just me.


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> NightOwl~
> Here's the way I see it. The fact of the matter is that business in the USA is conducted with some flirting.


Well, I am in academia where everyone is expected to be frumpy and cerebral so this is not my "normal." That said, I think there's a difference between throwing in a few winks or "thanks sweetie"s or normal office type flirting, and making "jokes" about filming pornography together. Some of their exchanges would be sexual harassment in almost any work place.


Affaircare said:


> Furthermore, when you're going to lunch at work do you mention bringing your partner every single time? Probably not...and not due to lack of commitment. Your partner just may or may not be available for a business lunch kind of thing.


These were business trips several states away, in an area where we normally stay with my family when we visit. He was talking about going by himself and staying in a hotel which would be REALLY unusual, because even if he was by himself he would have been welcome to stay with my family.



Affaircare said:


> If anything I would be MUCH more angry about the refusal to return prototypes and tools he sent her and reneging on her agreement. Those are actual business contracts that were broken and are deserving of anger!


Oh, there's a lot more I didn't write about because I was focused on the emotional rather than business stuff. One of the conflicts they had was her refusal to work with written contracts. She was starting to relent towards the end, but not in time for them to have anything sturdier than a verbal agreement. But basically he has absolutely nothing to show for all the work he put in and personal conflicts aside, I think she should have delivered what she promised. 



Affaircare said:


> Honestly, if it were me, I'd be more interested in figuring out what was going on that made me want to dig up old stuff about the affair and aim anger at someone else. Then again...that's just me.


The problem is that finding new information just reinforces my drive to seek new information. So there was new information about another relationship a few weeks ago, and that led me to go back to the chat logs, and I noticed there were a ton of them between him and this person. All I did was search for my name in those chats and found out all of this. I am mad because I am tired of finding out that my idea of my life is based on lies. I just want the past to be the past. I really hope this is it, that there are no more secrets lurking out there and I can live for the present and the future finally.


----------

