# almost 27 years



## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

OK here goes. Married nearly 27 years. I'm 56 years old, wife is 52. 2 children, aged 24 and 20. Wife always talks about what a great marriage we have. Friends always tell her she is lucky to be married to me (and I felt the same about her). Overall some issues, one is that my wife is more touchy-feely-huggy than me, I express my love in different ways. 

She is an established realtor and about a year or so ago, she had a new business partner. I has suspected something was amiss, but being a very trusting person, I let it go. This business partner and his wife (they have three younger kids, aged 11, 13, and 16) also got together with me and my wife periodically for socializing.

Fast forward to last week of September. My wife leaves her computer on and all I see on the screen are emails to this other person. Well it was sickening to say the least. Since late November my wife and this guy have been in a toxic, addictive, emotional, physical love affair. Love notes at night, poems, cd's with songs - almost like two 17 year olds. In addition, when searching my wife' closet I found additional stuff that made me want to throw up.

My wife had to own up to everything. She was always against people having affairs inside of a marriage, and now she was one of them. She said she knows she is completely wrong, and that she is so sorry all the time. However, the amount of lying she did to me to be with him is staggering. I always thought my wife was an honest person with good values - now I feel that she has betrayed the basic foundation of a marriage.

We are seeing a MC. I told wife that no contact with the other person (he moved to a different office). I also emailed him and told him to stay away. Sadly, I found out that my wife betrayed me again because she wanted "to reach closure" with him. So they met one more time, Her token line is that her plan is to recommit to the marriage, she would love to do so, but she has to get this man completely out of her head first and she has not done this as of yet. My wife also understands that this person is not leaving his own marriage for now (for the kids).

I do not recognize myself for the past 5 weeks. Shock, anger, resentment, jealousy, rage, everything you can imagine. One minute I threaten to throw her out or start divorcing her the next minute I'm on a fact finding mission and talking calmly to her. I feel I should make a decision once my emotions calm down a little - which they are beginning to do. I still can not fathom the amount of deceit and lying after being together for so long.

Some strange points. During the affair, my wife continued to be very sweet to me all the time. Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together. 

My wife says that she still loves me, and that we should not be concerned about the other couple. She has apologized a million times. The OM would like to leave his wife, but will likely not do so. I told my wife that I never want to be a "backup plan" but she said I'm not. (I don't 100% believe it). 

So, I guess realistically, my wife could tell me that she does not think of this person anymore, but that would be dishonest. After 5 weeks, I guess it would be hard to get this person out of your mind completely. So, I'm at the crossroads and I'm going to talk to my MC on Friday to get her take. I think I'm ready to boot her out if I have to or see if this could be fixed. I'd like it to be a success story if it could be.

Thanks for listening.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in lewmin.If you do have a mind to R then the first thing you should do is make sure the OMW knows what's going on.Chances are he will throw your wife under the bus to save himself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best way to get the OM (other man) out of your WW (wayward wife) head is by exposing the A (affair) to the OMW (other mans wife). The OM will thru your wife under the bus in a heart beat to save his own @ss, and when that is done your WW will see the OM true colors.

The other reason to expose the A to OMW is now you have a second set of eyes on any chance they reconnect.


The consequences of exposure will show you how much your WW really owns her mistake.

Do not tell your wife but contact the OMW and let her know that you support both marriage but she needs to know about the A and her help in in preventing the A from starting back up.


On a side note the OMW may have suspected and now the two of you can compare notes and see if there are any inconsistantcies in there story.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Yes---you need to speak to the other guy's wife face to face to compare information, etc. (if possible).


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

does this guy's wife know?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So many betrayed shy away from exposure only to find out the A went deeper underground.

There are consequences for your WW and OM and one of them is exposure. Make no mistake this is not about being vandictive this is about protecting your self. 

See you wife can either except this consequence or she can get really pissed....show how much she wants to protect the OM. Which is a good sign that once the dust clears they will start back up in the future. Exposure will give you the best chance in making this A as inconvient and as uncomfortable to start back up.

Please expose the A and see how remorseful your wife realy is by excepting this consequences. God I hope she excepts it!

So often I see fake R time and again. When the A starts up again only then the betrayed expose the A only to find out how WW really feels after months of more lies and deceit. Its even more painful the 2nd time around. 

Do your best to avoid d-day #2 and expose the A.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did I write "mistake" I ment "choice"


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your story is not unusual. Not one bit. I know that doesn't help but you have company. A lot of company. This board is filled with your brothers and sisters in similar situations. They are JUST like you. Crushed. In Shock. Beside themselves with fear, anger, pain, feelings of loss - all in different combinations and sometimes all at once. 

Calm your spirit. Take deep breaths. What's done is done. You had no part, no fault, no responsibility for this deceit. 

At some point your wife made a conscious decision to commit adultery. A conscious decision to deceive you. A conscious decision to permit herself to love another man. 

As I said what's done is done. She did it. 

What are you going to do? Can you bear this level of deceit? 
This level of disrespect for you, for your marriage, for her vows?

First you need, NEED to inform the wife of this adulterer. Like you, she had no say in the matter. Like you she needs to know what level of treachery her spouse is capable of. This is not vengeance or revenge on your part. It is an act of compassion toward a fellow human. A fellow betrayed human. 

You were not wrong in having trust in your wife. That's what spouses do. What faithful spouses give and receive. You can no longer have that trust in her. Not for a while, maybe not ever. Can you put up with that? But you are not even at a point where you can consider that. 

I don't expect she'll do it, but she should write a letter to the betrayed wife apologizing for her role in the possible destruction of two families. She owes HER an explanation - she does NOT owe him "closure" - that's total, and I mean TOTAL nonsense. 

Some of your brothers and sisters on this board have reconciled successfully. What most had in common was this:

Upon discovery the adulterous spouse BROKE contact with the OM. Completely. Totally. Forever. 

There were no tearful goodbyes. No wistful partings. No, "if onlys". This does not bode well for you. 

Why did she do it? No, it wasn't you. It was her. Why?

As long as she pines for him there is no point in going to MC. Not unless he goes too since he's still part of your marriage. At least in her mind. Not at all. 

BUT you should, must seek counseling to clarify your view of yourself, your wife, and your marriage. 

I'm older than you. I don't fear going into retirement alone. I would rather be alone than with someone I don't trust and respect. 

At this time she's being lovey with you. Trying to get you on board. Get with the program. Let bygones be bygones. NO WAY. 

SHE has a lot of work to do. Both on herself and for the state of your family. 

She needs to inform your children that there is tension in your family. Tension she precipitated. Tension she owns. She should do this not as penance or as a form of punishment, but needed information. Surely your children will notice the freeze in your relations.

They don't HAVE to know the details or that she committed adultery but that she hurt you and your marriage. Hurt it and you badly. That you may not recover and if not then the mantle of destruction falls on her shoulders only.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

My wife says that she still loves me, and that we should not be concerned about the other couple. 

*You need to tell the BW. Two sets of eyes are better than one to end an affair. And of course she does not want the BW to know.*

She has apologized a million times. The OM would like to leave his wife, but will likely not do so. I told my wife that I never want to be a "backup plan" but she said I'm not. (I don't 100% believe it). 

So, I guess realistically, my wife could tell me that she does not think of this person anymore, but that would be dishonest. 

*It would be dishonest. The affair did not end on its own, it ended because you caught them. Be fair and do not expect her to tell she does not think of MOM.*

After 5 weeks, I guess it would be hard to get this person out of your mind completely. So, I'm at the crossroads and I'm going to talk to my MC on Friday to get her take. I think I'm ready to boot her out if I have to or see if this could be fixed. I'd like it to be a success story if it could be.

*Wether or not it will be a sucess story depends on how involved your WW is willing to be in reconiliation. If she is not willing to do the work, then it is a no go.*


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Some strange points. During the affair, my wife continued to be very sweet to me all the time. Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.


How sick is that?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

costa200 said:


> How sick is that?


Sure its sick, it also makes me thinK the OM was plan B. Lets face it, what better way for a wayward to get rid of the guilt by telling them selves the A makes for a better marriage.

Sure she made a selfish choice to think of only her self to have this A with no regards to how it hurt others...classic case of intitlement issues. Especially after years of self sacrifice...right?
WW goes into this A knowing its not going anywere, yet does it any way......
Hell ya its sick but not surprising in this case!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

lewmin said:


> OK here goes. Married nearly 27 years. I'm 56 years old, wife is 52. 2 children, aged 24 and 20. Wife always talks about what a great marriage we have. Friends always tell her she is lucky to be married to me (and I felt the same about her). Overall some issues, one is that my wife is more touchy-feely-huggy than me, I express my love in different ways.
> 
> She is an established realtor and about a year or so ago, she had a new business partner. I has suspected something was amiss, but being a very trusting person, I let it go. This business partner and his wife (they have three younger kids, aged 11, 13, and 16) also got together with me and my wife periodically for socializing.
> 
> ...


What you need to realize is that married men with families rarely leave to be with the OW. 

It means nothing that the OM said he would leave his wife for your wife if it were not for the children. Divorce is very messy, costly & inconvenient for them.

No need to buy the cow when the milk is free.

Please contact his wife & let her know - she deserves to know, she may already know.

I am very sorry about all of this.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

lewmin

Sorry you are here. I was married 29 years before I caught my wife in a 10 month PA with someone she reconnected with at her class reunion

It hurts and I am sure you are having mind movies about what happened. if you want to R you need to be tough. This was something I was not good at. I have always tried to take the high road and be a reasonable person.

Throw that out the door. You need to tell your wife BS to closure. She does not have an option in regards to this and then expose to the OMW. She has the right to know what a POS she is married too. Expose this to family and friends. That was MY BIG MISTAKE!!!! 

She will yell and scream about crossing the line and her dignity. Just tell her she lost that when she dropped her panties.

The next thing you demand is that you both get checked for STDS!! That is a must. I will bet you big bucks they had unprotected sex. She will lie about that. She has to rebuild your trust everything she has done or said is a lie.

MC is good but your wife reconnected for BS closure because she does not think you will leave her. You have to make her understand that is a real possability.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Emerald said:


> What you need to realize is that married men with families rarely leave to be with the OW.


Im curious to know if that is the general consensus at TAM or if there is a statistic somewhere stating this?

Just curious?!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

lewmin said:


> Well it was sickening to say the least. Since late November my wife and this guy have been in a toxic, addictive, emotional, physical love affair.
> 
> *She was always against people having affairs inside of a marriage*,
> My wife the same
> ...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

costa200 said:


> How sick is that?


Backup plan. You gotta stay nice to the bread and butter until Plan A becomes reality. Once plan A is on, that's usually when the WS gives the ILYBNILWY speech. Until they know Plan A is almost 100% they will play nice. BTW, no need asking if you were Plan A or Plan B, a cheater will almost never tell the truth on this one unless you strap them to a polygraph test.

I did this, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice then Leave me alone, you're stifling me, you're a pest, you're too needy, blah, blah, blah.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You have become a family member. Husband and friend, but the lover is not you. She believes you offer unconditional love and she believes that you will always be there. It is why she can so neatly separate it all out. Lover and Hubby. Easy!

If you go ballistic on her she will see you as suddenly abusive. If you let it go she will feel she has a right to continue the affair or expect you to suck it up.

Even after it has gone it's full course which may be 2 years the feelings will remain that she did you a favour by coming back

After 27 years it is all so much more complicated. Everything has been shared for your life. All that is being ripped apart but I doubt she will believe this from you because she knows how hard it will be for you to start again.
She knows that you love her and she believes that your love is unconditional. Twice you see.

Wanting to reconcile at this point it pointless. She just betrayed your trust. She just told you her problems with being with the other man. How hard was that to listen to? 'Oh he won't leave her.. sob sob"
She will say that you are Plan A [ i got the same words] 

When the hell did she get to rewrite the rules and have two plans?

Listen to what she is saying. It will hurt like nothing has hurt before and don't be ashamed of that. 

The pain is the pain of a failed love and a 27 year old love invokes an awful lot of pain. More than you think you can stand sometimes. It goes on for a long time too.

Get some meds. Your best chance now it is to detach from her and the only way you are going to be able to really do that is to medicate yourself into detachment.
You can not pretend anything with her. She knows you too well.

I am so sorry to see you here. 

A success story?
27 years married. Didn't cheat. You are top of the old person dating tree dude. 

Act like it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Do you want to know whether you are number one or two?

Make OM aviable to her. 

Expose him to the fullest. Save all the evidence and tell to OMs wife. Let the chips fall where they may. Watch your wife's reaction. Snoop on her while all the aftermath of exposure is happening. Get an ally into seeing this from the other side.

Put yor feet down:

Demand from your wife a NC letter (ask us for templates).
Demand full access to their affair tools, the comunication devices, make her acountable of her whereabouts.
Make her get an STD test.
Make her chargue jobs or retire.

Tell her to convince you she's worth to stay for a single minute more.
Talk to a lawyer, find your rights, the potential scenarios. 
Tell your wife you are going to file tomorrow unless she agrees to all your demands NOW.
Tell her it's up to her to fix what she broke. To get advice abvout how to fix it.

If not you move on.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You made a mistake by not taking charge right away. If the WS is not fully remorsefull and ends the affair, you had to act quickly.

The guy is in her head because you allow it. Her marriage was possibly ending she still goes to see him. He is still in her head. You are at friend status. She takes you for granted and will now until you end that.

You need to take control. You need to stand up for yourself.

Step One-Talk to OMW and disclose. 
Step Two-Tell where they work
Step Three- She tells the kids
Step Four-You tell everyone else
Step Five-You pack her things and make her move out
Step Six-You File D.

When you file D it does not mean it will end that way. You need to end all the bull now or it will continue and will only get worse.

Get in the power position and control your marriage and your life.

Do the 180 and start fixing you. No contact with her until you are feeling better.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> *Im curious to know if that is the general consensus at TAM*No is not. At least here in Scandinavia,it is a statistical proven fact.Men does not leave there marriage´s.It very rare that men are emotional invested in the other woman.For a lot of men that cheat´s,for them its just a prolonged one night stand.
> Where they ,will say and behave in a manner that will ensure them, a steady stream of sex.
> And those "men" that "turns" up "leaving" its just simply a case of being booted out.
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé the affair to both the OMW but also to coworkers and family. Your wife has continued to betray you even after Dday and she needs to know you mean business.

Have you put a var in her car? How are you verifying that thru aren't still hooking up? You know they've done so at least once already.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Divorce her

*If she is truly remorseful and a good woman then she can prove that to you for the next year or two.*

If she proves that she has gotten the other man out of her head and has done all the things that prove she is remorseful and a good woman then later you can decide if you want to get back together with her or maybe even marry her again.

Her betraying you twice is very disrespectful and she is either devious or very weak. In either case you need to do what is right for you. You will never be convinced of her remorse or trustworthiness in a few months.

Divorce her; you do not have to be hateful just allow her consequences to take place. Consequences usually jolt people out of their fog. *If she really loves you she will do what is needed and will be wanting you in a year or later. *

If you want you can stay in touch with her as you wait a year or more to see if she really is a good woman.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

You have been cheated on.

Do what others have said earlier. Plus.

Read the newbie links.
Dont decide anything now.
She does not seem to be truly remorseful. I see that she said sorry a million times.

I think you are not able to fathom what she has in her mind.

Dig. Find out before you decide.

Take care,
AU


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She flushed away the 27 yrs of marriage like a used sanitary napkin, you dont have a marriage now, you cant have your previous marriage back because its dead, she killed it with her infidelity, lies and deceit.

She disrespected you and your marriage by banging someone OM on your back and making him to be with you in your home, she disrespected more by meeting him again for closure. Her nerve to do that is too much.

Dont be her plan B or C. R or D is your choice on your terms she lost the word on it by her infidelity. If she dont value the 27 yrs of marriage then she should go.
Get tested for STDs, ask her to do the same and show you the report.
Expose the A to OMW and your children and common friends of both your wife and OM.
File for D, if she wanted salvage the marriage let her follow you. You can stop the D as and when you want. By filing you show her that you mean business and not going to rug sweep it and get over without consequences for making you a cuckold husband.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lewmin said:


> We are seeing a MC. I told wife that no contact with the other person (he moved to a different office). I also emailed him and told him to stay away. Sadly, I found out that my wife betrayed me again becaus"e she wanted "to reach closure" with him. So they met one more time, Her token line is that her plan is to recommit to the marriage, she would love to do so, but she has to get this man completely out of her head first and she has not done this as of yet. My wife also understands that this person is not leaving his own marriage for now (for the kids).


 Sadly, before she would "recommit to the marriage", the closure that your wife was seeking with the other man (OM) was to find out if he would leave his wife for her. Now that he told her that he wants to stay in his marriage until his children are older, she needs to keep you as the backup plan until that day. You of course already know this don't you?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

lewmin said:


> Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.


Seems to be common here, but still blows me away. 

You can't nice your way out of this. Listen to the posts here, and deal with this cake eating POS harshly.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Originally Posted by *lewmin* View Post
> Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.


Because she' also a cake eater. She knew since the very beginning it was role playing, intense romantic fantasies. She never planned to leave for OM. She left herself go deep into the fog because it feels good and is highly addictive but she never toke practical steps to leave you the same way she never believed OM would leave her wife.

*You were never supposed to find out. It would end on its own and life would go on.*

Make your demans, the job itself is a trigger for her to go "there" (lalaland) mentally. She can't switch the focus back on the marriage, to help you get past it unless she erase OM from her life completely, including work. She needs to change all the routines from that time. I have no doubt they called each other while headed to work, at the car, first thing in the morning. It must change.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Never leave your kids to themselves too long without checking on them.
Never leave your spouse alone with the opposite sex too long without checking on them.
*The odds are, in both cases, left to their own devices, there will be trouble.*


In the first case, if something happens to the kids, you're a bad parent. In the second case, if something happens to your spouse, you're a ____________ . _(fill in the blank, there are no incorrect answers, this is for self help)._

T


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Hey everyone. Thanks for the support. I will need it. I will take some of the suggested actions and report back soon. Thanks again.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Okay. It's been more than 3 months since I posted here - so I wanted to give you an update.

First of all this site is amazing, and the feedback I got was very helpful. So thank you. 

As suggested, I contacted the OMW right after this string of responses above....It was tough for me because she is a very sweet woman...and she was absolutely devastated by thankful. She had all the proof because I gave her copies of the "love letters" that went back and forth.

Well, the POSOM basically immediately threw my wife under a bus to save himself. (My wife seemed sure at the time that POSOM was going to run away with her..once the OMW found out). That's what he was saying in his notes! Well, OMW immediately first threw him out, and he supposedly begged and pleaded to come back, which he did.

The funny thing is that POSOM, to make himself look good and justify his affair, threw in alot of BS about his own wife to my wife, all of which were not true. (For instance he would tell my wife, "my wife doesn't want to work, but she does because she has to". BS, the other wife is a schoolteacher, well regarded, supporting him basically for the last year, why he tried to sell real estate). In fact, his house and our house were his "pads" during the day while me and other wife went off to work.

Also, while my wife was in the fog, POSOM told my wife, that his wife is aware of the affair "but she doesn't want to know details about it or who is was with"). Of course this was completely untrue by the devastation this caused. 

(I have run into the wife a few times since D-Day, and she continued to thank me for telling her). By the way, POSOM is a player, told my wife, he only had ONS before....but my wife was "special" so that's why it was a full drawn out affair. So much BS!!

My wife is out of the fog now. She seemed to punish herself to some degree because so many of her friends and business associates who know me for decades have come up to me privately and told me that my wife "made the biggest mistake of her life" and she loves me so much. Also, my wife has constantly cried to me, and put herself down for doing this.

That being said, I'm still trying to do come to terms with this and my path is not clear yet. I am encouraged for now how my wife is putting 100% back into this. (well maybe not 100% but a good effort). And I'm not consumed by this all the time.

However, It seems to me that while my wife was in this fog, I was the backup plan (wife denies this), and I'm not sure that will ever sit well with me. We are in MC and communicating well and addressing issues.

So, I do not know where I'm headed. But with my emotions now more in check (for the last month), I can make rational decisions. Although I thought I had a good marriage, if I stay married, I would want it to be better, and at some point there would have to be trust again. I don't have that yet and who knows if I will.

Except for the issue stated below, I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm a good guy, take really good care of myself (exercise, etc) respectful of others, and like to have fun...so things would work out. So stay tuned..I'll be back to see where the road is heading. 

One side note:: I live in NJ, one of the worst states for equitable distribution of divorce assets. It's no fault - does not matter if she had 10 affairs..all assets are split 50-50. I've worked extremely hard in my career, started with nothing, put my way through college, grad school, post-grad school, and I am an Executive for a Fortune 500 company. I've squirrelled away everything I can for 30 years in retirement plans/stock options etc..so there is a hefty sum. Okay, bad enough, but through NJ's permanent alimony laws, I would also have to pay her like 45K a year every year for her cheating on me, unless she remarries. That's the law. If my wife ever did run away with POSOM, it galls me that 1/2 my marital assets would have probably gone to putting his three kids through college - I "manned up" and took care of my family, and people should not depend on betrayed spouses assets to help them. The law sucks as others get a free ride.

So what happens, some spouses permanently sponge off of their exes - do not marry their affair partner (in order to collect permanent alimony), but instead cohabitate or just date. 
There is a grass-roots movement to get this changed, but who knows. Now how fair is that?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Lew you should contact a lawyer and ask your wife to sign a post-nuptial agreement. Especially if she's as remorseful as you claim and is willing to put forth the effort she needs to keep you. That way if she agrees to sign one and you do want to leave in the end, you won't be on the hook for nearly as much as you say you would be otherwise if you were to divorce.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

lewmin, thank you for the update. And thank you for doing the right thing by informing the POSOM's wife. And once again, the usual script was followed. POSOM scrambled to save his marriage, while wayward wife was tossed aside. To all of you newly betrayed spouses out there reading this, take note. lewmin did it the right way.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I'd recommend moving to a different state.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

lewmin said:


> Also, my wife always, until DDay, initiated conversations about retirement, buying a vacation home, and growing old together.


22 years married here. Most of the regulars here have heard my story, but I had to come stateside for medical care. My husband called everyday and e-mailed everyday. Told me he loved me and we talked about the plan to move back stateside. I was basically where we talked about settling down as an option. Fast forward to when he came to visit me. He was supposed to be here 10 days. The first day we went out shopping, looked at outside furniture and talked about wish lists, talked about real estate, went to get his new driver's license, etc. He asked a ton of questions about the area and even commented that in 5 years we would qualify for one of the 55+ communities. That night he said he wanted a divorce and went back to the airport. :wtf: So yeah, I see that talk of the future is just part of the set up.....at least for me. Nothing like lifting you 10 feet before dropping you into hell, huh?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

On a side note it is amazing how many WS out there get straight out used or played and simply don't see it coming. Granted this happens in all types of relationships but it's hard to believe how someone can **** on a marriage and their family for someone who simply tells them what they want to hear to get some side action or take advantage of them.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry for your pain.

She got involved with cake eating. Its exciting, daring, thrilling, and the mind loves novelty, dopamine overloads and plenty of icing and soft creamy filling.

Fantasy land is where she's been visiting. She does not live with the OM. She only has to know him superficially through emails, love letters, conversations and occasional sex. 

She does not live with him, she and him only know the perfection that they have and do not wish to ruin it. She is infatuated with the idea of being in love, a forbidden love, exciting yet wrong, perverted and disorderly love/intimacy.

Kill it! She needs to drop it like the bad habit that it is, because bad habits if not taken care of become necessity, a vice, vice grips are given that name for a reason. 

Its so difficult to pull something out of a vice grip, yet so simple to just loosen its grip and be free.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

So sorry you are here. You would have thought having raised two children to adulthood (no easy feat) and having a loving husband and all those years and memories together would have been enough for anyone. Especially being a person over the age of 50, you would expect some perspective from them as to not let themselves get caught up in something like this. Very sorry.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> I'd recommend moving to a different state.


I don't know how much of a culture shock you'd be in for moving to Texas, but you may find the legal climate to your liking.

"Honey, go get some Big Hair and boots, we're moving to Austin! For how long? Well, 90 days at least, just to make sure the place is to our liking."

Don't give up on your situation; now's the time for some creative thinking.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Lew, you need to move to a new state some place log enough to establish the most favorable D terms for yoursel

Then divorce her.

She played you, and even after your first confrontation and her tears, she kept right on planning to dump you for the OM.

The only reason she is with you nowis because this OM dumped her.

So what happens if he divorces ?

What happens if the next guy keeps her?

plan ahead and protect yourself.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Jasel said:


> On a side note it is amazing how many WS out there get straight out used or played and simply don't see it coming.


I think it is because they are so busy focusing on the BS (the lies, etc) that they close their eyes to what someone else is doing to them. My husband **** on me and our grown son. He is too stupid to see that his lady love is using him for money, gifts and a plane ticket to America.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Can you build a no-cohabitation clause into a di orce agreement ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> I'd recommend moving to a different state.


Yep! Or a foreign country...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What a about a postnuptial?


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im curious to know if that is the general consensus at TAM or if there is a statistic somewhere stating this?
> 
> Just curious?!


interesting isn't it. No stats that i know of. But it's quoted as fact in most of my infidelity books. Men want sex...sex with other women...they are already married..but they want a stable too...testosterone.

Monogamy is a GIFT a man gives his wife. 

I see on here though it can go both ways. In my circle it's mainly men who cheat, but it's the women who end up leaving if there is a divorce. Again, sex vs. emotion.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

I HATE NO FAULT STATES!!! But you sound good and mentally sound. Maybe you 2 can make it. Be positive, as you are. She has certainly learned her lesson. Start dating each other again. Go on more romantic trips/cruises. Work out together...Pretend like it was before you 2 got married and both got too comfortable...make it new and exciting again.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It's a tough road, lew.

The troubling thing to me is that, when you told OMW, it seems you are implying that your wife was waiting to be rescued from you by other man. Did she openly tell you she would be leaving you for him at that point?

Also, did she say WHY she did this? One minute she's in a 27-year marriage? A couple months later, she's ready to leave it? What brought her to that point so quickly and easily?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did she ever explain herself? Other than the classic throwaway "I made a mistake"?
How did she see their relationship? Purely sexual, emotional plus?

It takes some nerve to betray someone you love and respect. And stainless steel balls to look you in the face without so much as an eye-twitch for so many months. I suspect she soothed her conscience with alcohol.


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