# About to give up...



## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

Been married for two years already. Followed my wife from coast to coast as she had plans to relocate before we met. When I relocated, she had a group of new friends that were okay (only because there's a language barrier and I feel like an outsider as I only speak English and they tend to speak their native tongue even when I'm around... 90% of the time they communicate with me is when they ask "are you okay" or if they tell me what they're talking about in Filipino, which is an insult...). They helped her with moving and buying stuff before I got here, and it seems she needs to "repay" them emotionally and physically by attending every single gathering they are throwing, or accompanying every outing they invite us to. It cuts into our "alone" time as I only see her on the weekends since she's a "live-in" nanny for a couple in Brooklyn, and I get annoyed when I want to do something and she's making plans with them last minute.

This holiday, since her friends don't drive, we both had plans to attend Thanksgiving dinner with her cousins, but last minute (no surprise...) she tells her friends I'll drive them to their Thanksgiving party, pretty much out of the way, and they'll pay for gas and tolls. I bit my tongue, and agreed. On Black Friday, her friend tells my wife she received a new credit card, and is willing to buy Christmas gifts for my wife to send to the Philippines, and I told her I'm allergic to Black Friday and the chaos it brings, but she insisted. I told my wife we don't owe them anything but an occasional get together, and she should not get influenced by someone bragging about a new credit card just to show how "rich" (actually common folk here in the USA, but so-called rich in the Philippines...) they are...

Her friends are having a Christmas party where they have a theme where attendees are to wear "green", and it's not my color, except for when I served in the US Army, and not for social or casual occasions, but she blew up and left me hanging at home to go to her job. I know it may sound petty, but I'm an adult, and knowing those people, I don't really care about what I dress, as long as it is presentable and I don't appear like a bum. If it was my Mom dictating what our family party theme was, then I'll do it because it's family, but these are friends that are materialistic and don't really care for me, because I don't speak their language since I was born here in the USA...

As it stands, I didn't want to deal with the rants and raves via cell phone so I blocked her contact as I'm totally hot and angry because my feelings and time is being directed to others, and whatever I want to do in the relationship is always put on the back burner.

Anyone experience the same situation in their relationships? This is my second marriage, and my first one ended after 28 years together with my ex, and I've grown up from the last relationship not to make mistakes, but it seems like this one might not last too longer... Thanks for listening!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She's a live-in nanny and you're a chauffeur for her friends. Good grief! Where's the marriage? When will it be a real marriage? I'd stop going anywhere with her friends. You need as much alone time together as you can get if you want this relationship to survive. Draw up some boundaries.


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## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

I totally agree, and though I'm not whipped or an unreasonable person, I do tell her to go on with her friends without me, and I will find something else to do. The "cab driver" thing is what I call it, and I always voice displeasure when her "friends" need a ride. Only happened twice and made sure I was compensated for gas, tolls, as well as destination right by our final stop. I don't let her decisions push me over, and definitely want to state it's supposed to be 50/50 without any outside interference. I'm sure they have their lives to live too, but seeing my wife is so naive and new to American culture, they take advantage of her kindness. I keep telling her to look after her own self and ask me for advice about stuff, not people that were not born here and probably arrived in the US recently (not insinuating racism towards their race, but what better source of advice than from me, a US born citizen.).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The MOMENT they all start speaking Filipino in your presence, I would stand up and say, "Well lookie there... time for me to leave!"

*And then walk out.* If you're the driver (chauffeur), leave them there to figure out their own ride.

Your wife is using you and your marriage as a status symbol. Who cares about a "new" credit card? You are correct, in this country anyone (and I mean ANYONE) can get a credit card. Regardless of their credit history.

I don't think your marriage is long for the road.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sooo, does your wife not drive?? If not, rectify that ASAP and get her her own damn car...for starters. Your wife is acting like a spoiled child and will continue to do so as long as you keep allowing it to. I agree with Clam, she is using you.

Oh and as for your wife living away from you all week...that is NOT a marriage.


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## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

3Xnocharm, and happy as a clam, I see the big picture, and that's why I am looking towards separation and divorce. Cultural stuff like that where people think they're still in their own countries, and don't learn how Americans tick, is what makes these relationships fail. The cab driver thing only happened twice, and I put my foot down, her friends bragging about their new credit cards and saying we can accompany them to Black Friday was shallow, and I basically step out and chill somewhere else when they start speaking in Filipino.

This crap just really escalated recently, and I keep telling her it's not her home country, and we all live by a different set of rules in relationships. Thanks for the very excellent observations and advice!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, I am of mixed race and have cousins from the Philippines. My husband is 100% American and do not speak any other languages. I request from all my relatives and friends that English be spoken out of courtesy to those who can't speak their language. This is your wife's responsibility to make sure that you are not treated as a foreigner in your own land.

Filipinos have collective thinking. Americans (of any heritage) have individual thinking. This cultural base is going to clash. Immigrants from this culture tend to show off what they have for the home folks to see. It is a display of success. 

Your wife's behavior will continue. If it bothers you now, this will continue to be a huge problem. You are not aware that Filipinos look at their families (first family) as their responsibility. American husbands or wives are secondary. Their loyalty is to their bloodline. 

I suggest that you read up on Filipino culture. Where did you meet your wife? How old are you and how old is your wife?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You married a pinoy. This will be your life henceforth. You are a paycheck to her. Obviously she's not interested in devoting time to you or she'd do it naturally.

And you followed her coast to coast as a nanny?

Are you below average in looks and fear she's the best looking thing you can find? Be honest with yourself and us if true.


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## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

@Roselyn: I met my wife through a paid online dating site when I lived in SF, CA and she lived in San Jose, CA, which is 45 minutes away. I'm no stranger to Filipino culture, as I have had relatives migrate through the years, and know the culture through them. We are two years apart in age. I'm pretty hip to the fact that family comes first, because I have no gripes when she calls her kids, siblings and parents in the evening, and understand that some of her financial responsibilities are 75% for the Philippines.


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## koalafamily2 (Nov 30, 2015)

@jdawg: Lucky she's not a gold digger, and she passed the test as I petitioned her for a green card, and even though the US Government made a huge clerical error therefore delaying the process, there's been no moaning or groaning about it. I explained that's how things happen in the US with important paperwork, and never heard a peep about trying to rush it or to keep contacting them to complete the process faster...

I'm an average looking dude, and she's an average looking lady, but I hear stuff from her saying she's "better looking", "younger looking" or "more beautiful" than other Filipino OFW's (overseas Filipino workers???) we see on the street or bus... I'm comfortable in my own skin, can definitely find someone else equal or better in looks, but felt we "clicked" when I first met her, so no hope is lost if our relationship goes in the toilet...

Her plan when leaving CA was that she had a job waiting for her, and it was a good paying nanny job, live in (5 days a week), and I was working in a law firm in SF, before waiting for a transfer to their NYC office and full relocation to the East Coast.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, 75% of her income goes to her family in the Philippines (which includes her children). This is a huge take on your joint income. Have you planned on how you'll live in old age?

Money is always a problem when you're dealing with Asian families when part of the family is overseas. There are posters here in TAM that have overseas problems with family members in need of funds.

You've noted that your wife compares herself with OFWs and her claims of having a better appearance. This does display a level of narcissistic tendencies. It bothers you; hence, you noted her behavior. Perhaps, she is pointing out how lucky you are to be with her, rather than with those lesser OFWs that you run into.

You are only two years married. You have not yet fully experienced how it is to be fully emersed in a foreign culture. The foreign culture is what you are experiencing today. You need to know that she will not change. If you cannot accept her behavior and her friends, you'll not be able to reconcile your differences. Love it or leave it!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

over 70% of her time is spent away, and over 70 percent of her contribution to the marriage is sent away...

not much of a marriage.


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## alooser (Jan 3, 2016)

@koalafamily2 I wish I could give advice, but I'm going through something similar. Do you have any updates?

Last were you as dumb as me that did not see the huge red flags?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> OP, I am of mixed race and have cousins from the Philippines. My husband is 100% American and do not speak any other languages. I request from all my relatives and friends that English be spoken out of courtesy to those who can't speak their language. This is your wife's responsibility to make sure that you are not treated as a foreigner in your own land.
> 
> Filipinos have collective thinking. Americans (of any heritage) have individual thinking. This cultural base is going to clash. Immigrants from this culture tend to show off what they have for the home folks to see. It is a display of success.
> 
> ...


THIS !!!!!

(also happens in many Pacific Islander and Maori marriages too, and many others I bet around the globe). Very tribal.

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT. As the man you're supposed to make the "magic money" which makes the credit cards work - they don't want to know and see even discussing it as a sign of weakness and violation of custom. One reason "dirty merchants" and "shopkeepers" are seen as lower class...yet have everyone's money ! IT IS GREATLY EMBARRASSING when the cards stop working, and she is very likely to take the kids and go back to her family telling everyone in hearing range that you are a ****less ambition-less poor excuse for a man...and they will believe her...because that's what it's all about, the public show. (this is what _social_ based cultures look like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m not sure if you know the following so I’m sharing it with you…. I just posted it on another thread, but I think it might help you too.


_"For Filipino couples, neither of the parties may avail of divorce from anywhere in the world, the reason being Article 15 of the New Civil Code which states that “Laws relating to family rights and duties, or to the status, condition and legal capacity of persons, are binding upon citizens of the Philippines even though living abroad.” This means that, as enumerated by law, matters pertaining to Filipinos’ family rights, duties, personal status, condition and legal capacity are dictated by Philippine law, and these laws will follow Filipinos anywhere they may be. And since Philippine law does not allow divorce, this law goes with them wherever they reside. 

The above rule, however, admits of exceptions. One exception when divorce can be recognized in the Philippines is in cases of mixed marriages or marriages between a Filipino and a foreigner. In such cases, the foreign spouse may avail of divorce from his own country or from any other country which his own State will recognize. This is anchored on the 2nd paragraph of Article 26 of the Family Code of the Philippines which provides that “Where a marriage between a Filipino citizen and a foreigner is validly celebrated and a divorce is thereafter validly obtained abroad by the alien spouse capacitating him or her to remarry, the Filipino spouse shall have capacity to remarry under Philippine law.” 

The two elements for the application of the above provision are: (1) there is a valid marriage that has been celebrated between a Filipino and a foreigner; and (2) a valid divorce is obtained abroad by the alien spouse capacitating him or her to remarry."
_
http://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=20090


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

Well, first off. You don't sound very happy. Being happy and content with your life's partner is really what its all about, right? I'd say that it first seems to be some cultural differences at play. You feel that the obligations of assistance are not as heavy as she obviously does. Do you feel like she loves you or that she is just using you as a status symbol? While her friend might use a credit card as a status symbol, your wife could be using you as her "credit card". (Looooook, what I have? I responsible, military man and see how he caters to me!)

If you feel love from her and she is appreciative and thankful for your help, then it could be that she just feels those obligations way more than you do. I will tell you this, being apart for more than 75% of your time together is not going to help the two of you work together to build a stronger foundation for your relationship. If you both were already nice and solid and not having undercurrents of resentment then it's ok to have that kind of separation, but your relationship isn't strong enough for it. 

A couple is a unit. The couple needs its own time to become a stronger unit. If outside players keep interfering, it's just another factor that is keeping you guys from strengthening your bonds. 

Have you sat down with her to explain to her your concerns and the feelings you have that you are being taken for granted? If so, what's her response like?

If you haven't had a nice conversation about this, I'd recommend that. If you have and she doesn't seem to understand, I'd recommend counseling for a few months. If you have and she dismisses or blows off your concerns, or if she responds in a way that just upsets you further... well, officially separate for a month or two. Don't be available to her or her friends for a few weeks and gauge her response. 

I'd say that would give you a very good indicator on if the relationship is worth the effort to fix or to just cut your losses.

This is just my opinion.


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