# Mother



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

My father passed away about 1 1/2 yr ago. I am the only child. My mother lives close to us (~25 min driving), and she lives 5 min from my work (well, that's why I chose to work there years ago).

Currently, the arrangement consists of us (my H and I) trying to have lunch with her mid-week, then when we get off work on Saturday we pick her up to come home with us. She stays until next morning, when my H takes here to her church (~ 20 min from my house), then she goes home with her church friends. 

My mother is the NEEDY kind. All her life she depended on my Dad. She was devastated when he passed away. When she comes to my house, she sits there. She knows how to cook, but she's not the kind that would cook for others. This other Sunday my H gave me a sarcastic remark (oh what part of your body hurts today?) when I got up late (like 8 AM), he felt it was ridiculous to have to take care of my mother (i.e., make breakfast) when I am alive in the house. 

The problem is, I am the one that has been telling my H mother doesn't have to come to my house every week. But he feels bad. Then he tells me I should go to stay with her. I said yes, but sometimes I just feel so wanting to return to my own house after work (I see lots of patients on Saturday; it can be exhausting). 

Any advice?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> My father passed away about 1 1/2 yr ago. I am the only child. My mother lives close to us (~25 min driving), and she lives 5 min from my work (well, that's why I chose to work there years ago).
> 
> Currently, the arrangement consists of us (my H and I) trying to have lunch with her mid-week, then when we get off work on Saturday we pick her up to come home with us. She stays until next morning, when my H takes here to her church (~ 20 min from my house), then she goes home with her church friends.
> 
> ...


How is your mother's health? Would it be a problem to simply call her and talk to her sometimes instead of making the visit? Could you encourage her to be more independent?

As for breakfast, I would assume that she is capable of fixing herself something to eat if she is hungry? Perhaps she avoids cooking at your home out of respect for you and your kitchen? Unless your Mom is disabled in some way, your husband might have a point (in regards to the breakfast - not so much in regards to you sleeping late). If he complains about fixing a meal for her (which he did), then I can assume he expects you to take of your mother's needs? And, if that is correct, does you mother not take care of her own needs when she is in her own residence?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boundaries. Get some.

I would be annoyed if I had to do all that. You both work hard and should get to enjoy your time off sometimes.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

you only have 1 mother. Enjoy her while you still have her. I will say this you dont have to do this every week. I just dont want you have any regrets when she is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your mother needs to create a new life that doesn't center on you so much. I'm in my late 60's and I see my only child every couple of weeks for dinner. That, and a few phone calls here and there, is enough. I would feel I was imposing if I did what your mother does. Is that cultural?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your mum is still grieving the loss of your dad, so while I agree that you need to make some changes if it bothers you that much (and I can understand why it would) you should do it slowly and help her to find other things to fill her time.

My dad died 18 months ago, my mums not needy like yours seems to be but she's still very much grieving for dad.

Be gentle and don't just make sudden changes with no warning, she's your mum and she needs you.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Your mother needs to create a new life that doesn't center on you so much. I'm in my late 60's and I see my only child every couple of weeks for dinner. That, and a few phone calls here and there, is enough. I would feel I was imposing if I did what your mother does. Is that cultural?


My mother is in her early 70's and in PERFECT health. We often joke she will outlive all of us. My father was 11 yrs older than her . 
Cultural, yes, since lots of Asian parents expect to live with their kids, but we are trying to strike a compromise here. I came to US when I was young and sometimes I feel boundaries keep everyone happier in the long run. 

As far as the fact "I only have one mother" is concerned, that almost puts a guilt trip on me all the time. But the way I see it is that if my relationship with my H crumbles (I call that the "core", sounds like a Pilates term :lol, everything will fall apart with it. It might sound selfish, but I really need to take care of my emotional needs first. I also have not recovered from my Dad's leaving us but I don't say anything about it. While we both grieve, I keep it inside. Her salient display of emotions always irritates me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> My mother is in her early 70's and in PERFECT health. We often joke she will outlive all of us. My father was 11 yrs older than her .
> Cultural, yes, since lots of Asian parents expect to live with their kids, but we are trying to strike a compromise here. I came to US when I was young and sometimes I feel boundaries keep everyone happier in the long run.
> 
> As far as the fact "I only have one mother" is concerned, that almost puts a guilt trip on me all the time. But the way I see it is that if my relationship with my H crumbles (I call that the "core", sounds like a Pilates term :lol, everything will fall apart with it. It might sound selfish, but I really need to take care of my emotional needs first. I also have not recovered from my Dad's leaving us but I don't say anything about it. While we both grieve, I keep it inside. Her salient display of emotions always irritates me.


Absolutely don't feel guilty or selfish. Your focus should be on your husband and not on your mother. I'm all for strong boundaries. I don't grieve "out" either. Never where others will see.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I just texted my mom telling her about some of my marriage difficulties, this is what she wrote back (translated from Chinese, and she writes without punctuation)

"All by myself thinking about your Dad again and I cry until my eyes hurt made dinner don't need to eat you are good Mom understands I want you to be happy don't think about me"

5 min later~~

"How lucky they are (obviously there was some old couple who passed away in the news) they left this world within 17 min now they will never be apart Alas"

OMG

In medical lingo, my mother has histrionic personality. I know she's still my Mom. But sometimes I just cannot take her.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> I just texted my mom telling her about some of my marriage difficulties, this is what she wrote back (translated from Chinese, and she writes without punctuation)
> 
> "All by myself thinking about your Dad again and I cry until my eyes hurt made dinner don't need to eat you are good Mom understands I want you to be happy don't think about me"
> 
> ...


Sorry for the loss of your dad. You need firm boundaries. Really firm. She is guilt tripping you in the first part and being a drama queen in the second.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Sounds like my H's mother with the neediness, histrionics and drama. You need to set boundaries. Firm boundaries. About when you are available to see/spend time with her and about what behaviors you will tolerate. When my MIL goes into one of her crying "woe is me" modes (always about something ridiculous), I get up and leave. No excuses, just walk out. She learned real quick that I'm not going to pity or baby her. As for text messages, we never respond to them anymore. We know when we hear the phone alert 3-6 times in quick succession, it's her, and we don't even bother looking at it. That's taking a bit more time, but at least she only texts a few times a week now instead of every few hours.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Some of these answers are just too damned insensitive.

At only a year and a half out your poor mother is still grieving. She has a huge hole in her heart where your father used to be. Everything she does, everything she sees reminds her of the emptiness she now feels.

They were like two orbiting worlds together in the vast cosmos. Now one is suddenly gone and the other careens of randomly into the black void.

Did you know that in close couples of their years that when the first one dies the second has a significantly greater probability of dying in the next two years. Death by a broken heart. 

Be a family. Fill the void in her life. Give her a reason to live on and time to heal, however long that might. be.

North American common culture has gotten so bloody cold and self gratifying over the last couple of decades it's appalling. We seem to have largely forgotten that the nuclear family is a strong and healthy family.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless your mother is very old or in bad health, perhaps it's time to cut down on the amount of time you spend with her. You can still support her and be there for her, without spending every single weekend with her.

The following sounds like manipulation to me:-


> "All by myself thinking about your Dad again and I cry until my eyes hurt made dinner don't need to eat you are good Mom understands I want you to be happy don't think about me"


...and I don't feel that it's appropriate for a parent to overly burden an off-spring in this way. You, too, are grieving for your father yet you are doing everything in your power to comfort and be there for your mother. 

Be very careful, OP, that you don't end up feeling guilted into asking your mother to move in with you. It could end up destroying your marriage...

I would gently encourage your mother to take up a hobby and get out as much as possible and make new friends.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Issues I see:

-Lack of boundaries 
-Your husband has no balls and relies on your mother WAY too much
-wrong priorities

Your husband needs to become a man and get off his mother titties. Seems like he is still sucking on them and his mama thinks she owns his life.

He is his own person, an adult that should be capable of making his own decisions WITH HIS WIFE.

Not mother.

I have a feeling OP feels like she is married to his mother rather than has a husband. That is a HUGE concern and to be it would be a deal breaker.

You are either mature enough to be in a relationship and work as a team to make decisions together, or not.

Right now, his mother has ALL control. Not op or her husband.

It has to end.

On the priories end, he thinks his mom is #1 and IMO that shouldn't be the case. I'm sorry but once you are in a serious relationship and married, your significant other is your #1 person in the world. Children 2nd. Direct family #3 and than in laws.......friends etc.

I would not be with someone that has their mother on top of their priority list ......sorry


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> They were like two orbiting worlds together in the vast cosmos. Now one is suddenly gone and the other careens of randomly into the black void.
> 
> Did you know that in close couples of their years that when the first one dies the second has a significantly greater probability of dying in the next two years. Death by a broken heart.
> 
> ...


Oh man, the black hole/broken heart sound like my mother talking to me. 
It bugs me. I am a lot more like my father. Quiet, no drama, and keep things to myself. I am grieving as much as my mother, sometimes I feel even more. The death was completely unexpected and as a physician I tried to do everything but failed. Without going into unnecessary details, I can say I am completely traumatized and have hardly recovered. 

As you can tell I am Asian. We already place so much on family values. I lived with my H's parents for 5 years. That's a whole different story. 



Cosmos said:


> I would gently encourage your mother to take up a hobby and get out as much as possible and make new friends.


OMG OMG OMG OMG

I have told her N to the Nth power time to take up hobbies. She has NO hobbies. She says she takes pleasuring "being around us". But when she comes to my house she sits there and watches me. Or she follows me everywhere, literally going into my bedroom or even bathroom. 



DoF said:


> Issues I see:
> 
> -Lack of boundaries
> -Your husband has no balls and relies on your mother WAY too much
> ...


You seem to first have it right then got mixed up. It is MY mother, not my H's mother we are talking about here. 

BTW, I get alone so damn well with my MIL. She is a quiet lady that always helps me. No drama. When she's in my house she gets up early and cooks breakfast. I love her and tell her everything, including the problems I have with her SON. She signs and says my H is getting to be like his father. My MIL has been having so much trouble with my FIL, and I can see much similarity in this father-son pair's behavior.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jennifer1986 said:


> You seem to first have it right then got mixed up. It is MY mother, not my H's mother we are talking about here.


Wholly smokes, that makes it so much worse.

Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your mother and ask her nicely to back off.

Jesus, this sounds extremely disturbing now. Maybe they have a deeper relationship than just MIL/SIL.

Something smells like fish here....

Both your mother and husband are completely inappropriate and disrespectful towards you. That's not right.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

DoF said:


> Wholly smokes, that makes it so much worse.
> 
> Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your mother and ask her nicely to back off.
> 
> ...


Are we reading the same thread?? She's concerned that her mother is too needs, her H is complaining about the MIL and you're suggesting that the mother's and H's relationship is inappropriate?? I don't know how you got there...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MyHappyPlace said:


> Are we reading the same thread?? She's concerned that her mother is too needs, her H is complaining about the MIL and you're suggesting that the mother's and H's relationship is inappropriate?? I don't know how you got there...


Sorry, I mixed up 2 threads.

My apologies, please ignore my post.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

Jennifer,

I'm Chinese as well and understand the culture. 

I'm an only child and I am very close to my parents, who are wonderful parents to me.

Both of my parents are alive, thankfully, but if one should ever pass away, I would feel terrible if I didn't take good care of the surviving parent. 

People talk about boundaries, but I cannot comprehend treating my parents as I would treat any regular friend. I guess this is ingrained in me as part of my Chinese upbringing. My parents sacrificed a lot for me, and I will do it in return for them, no matter now difficult that makes my life. 

Your mother took care of you when you were little and that is probably why you are a successful doctor today. 

Why don't you think about how you can alleviate the situation by perhaps preparing breakfast the night before and asking her to heat things up in the morning if you are still asleep. 

This is sad.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

loveadvice said:


> This is sad.


I appreciate your advice, but I'm not sure if you are implying it's "sad" because there should be no question that I should place filial piety #1.

You sound a bit "old fashioned", and please pardon my inappropriate language. The truth is, most Chinese parents I know are far more generous than my mom. I could not even borrow downpayment for our first house. No matter, she is my Mom, but I would never want to be like her when I am old. I have done a lot more for my kids and don't expect anything in return. I am not interested in getting in the way of either my son's future life/family. 

My mom needs to find her own life. I cannot keep hear her say "now Dad is gone life is meaningless". For God's sake, it's not even like they were so in love. He just took very good care of her. (Basically spoiled her). When I think about it, it makes me sad. At least I am decent enough not to say that to Mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> I appreciate your advice, but I'm not sure if you are implying it's "sad" because there should be no question that I should place filial piety #1.
> 
> You sound a bit "old fashioned", and please pardon my inappropriate language. The truth is, most Chinese parents I know are far more generous than my mom. I could not even borrow downpayment for our first house. No matter, she is my Mom, but I would never want to be like her when I am old. I have done a lot more for my kids and don't expect anything in return. I am not interested in getting in the way of either my son's future life/family.
> 
> ...


I don't know what you mean by old-fashioned. If my belief that one should take good care of one's parents in their old age is out of fashion, then so be it. I just believe in taking care of my parents who took good care of me when I was little. 

I have never asked my parents for a loan or a downpayment. I am a lawyer, have always been a hard worker, and want to earn what I have. I feel embarrassed taking handouts. I don't compare what my friends' parents give to my friends with what my parents have given to me. 

I believe that one should respect one's parents and always take care of them. I think that as a mother, I know how much love, time and effort I give to raising my own kids. It would be terrible if they grew up and didn't treat me well. It would be like a betrayal to me, and I would never feel right betraying my parents in their old age when they need me the most. I hope my kids are as "old-fashioned" as I am if it turns out that they are willing to care for me in my old age and will not consider me a meddling person that they wish they could see less of. 

Of course, there will be many who will tell you to set boundaries with your mom and put her in her place because she's bothering you and preventing you from waking up late on Saturdays. That's the en vogue thought process, I guess. You're the more hip one. Go for it!


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

loveadvice said:


> ..........
> 
> I believe that one should respect one's parents and always take care of them. I think that as a mother, I know how much love, time and effort I give to raising my own kids. It would be terrible if they grew up and didn't treat me well. *It would be like a betrayal to me*, and I would never feel right betraying my parents in their old age when they need me the most. I hope my kids are as "old-fashioned" as I am if it turns out that they are willing to care for me in my old age and will not consider me a meddling person that they wish they could see less of.
> .............


I am not interested in a back-and-forth, just want to clarify

(1) I do not expect any "hand-outs". It so happens most parents we know would never have problem letting their children borrow money, as when we were starting out life was really tough. I also had my first kid relatively young but we pulled through it. BTW, ever since we became financially secure, we pay for everything when we go out with parents, that means meals, hotel rooms, airplane tickets. 

(2) What you mention in that above quote is exactly what I do not agree with. I have two sons. I do not need to describe how much I love them. But in my old age, I would of course hope to see them, not to BE TAKEN CARE OF. I have enough financial security to put myself in a nursing facility. I firmly believe my kids would call or visit me. In fact I believe they would do a lot more than that, but there is no reason to EXPECT that. And "treating your parents well" is hard to define. If my children have their own lives, their own families, and they only see me once a while, that is not BETRAYAL. That word implies you had kids, loved them, and raised them so you can get something out of it. Love is natural thing. I would never feel betrayed. It's not like my children are selling me to some agency to be locked up just because they care more about their own lives than mine. I should be responsible for my own life. If my H passes away before I do (or the way it's going I would probably be divorced anyways :lol, I would never want to live with either of my children.
(3) I lived with my H's parents for 5 years. That should say something about how "selfish" I am. However, this experience has taught us it is definitely not the easiest thing to do and never ideal. Even when one parent is gone, if the other parent is healthy, he/she should still seek out his/her own life. If one is debilitated or has other needs, that is a different story. 
My mother is exactly like what you are describing, expecting her child to "treat her well", and she feels hurt and angry when her expectations are not met. My MIL, on the other hand, is a selfless woman who helps around the house, never expecting anything. Guess what. It is a lot easier for me to live with my MIL. I am not stressed or worried about failing her expectations. I feel so easy around her (she is here right now as my H is out of town and came to help) and I can even talk to her about all my marriage problems. All my mother's expectations become a hinderance. Constantly being afraid to fail them, I'd rather see her less. I hope I do make some points across, and all this has nothing to do with hipness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> I just texted my mom telling her about some of my marriage difficulties, this is what she wrote back (translated from Chinese, and she writes without punctuation)
> 
> "All by myself thinking about your Dad again and I cry until my eyes hurt made dinner don't need to eat you are good Mom understands I want you to be happy don't think about me"
> 
> ...


Your mom sounds a lot like mine. Mine passed away in 2005 at the age of 85. Sometimes I'd do as you and your H do... bring her around a lot. Then sometimes I had to take breaks from her. It was too much to handle all the time. I do not regret either spending too much time with her or taking the breaks. it was all needed.

Does you mom have any friends near where she lives? Or is she alone all the time? If she's alone a lot, it might be a good idea to get her to move into a place with other her age around her. She might make more friends and get more active.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> Oh man, the black hole/broken heart sound like my mother talking to me.
> It bugs me. I am a lot more like my father. Quiet, no drama, and keep things to myself. I am grieving as much as my mother, sometimes I feel even more. The death was completely unexpected and as a physician I tried to do everything but failed. Without going into unnecessary details, I can say I am completely traumatized and have hardly recovered.
> 
> As you can tell I am Asian. We already place so much on family values. I lived with my H's parents for 5 years. That's a whole different story.
> ...


Maybe if you gave the same attention you give to your MIL to your own mother, your mother would be happy. Your mother loves to just be around you and you complain about her following you around. She doesn't seem to be asking for anything from you. She only seeks the pleasure of being near you. On the other hand, you love to talk to your MIL, and TELL HER EVERYTHING. There is something sad about this picture. 

Your mother, who you probably followed around all the time when you were a child and who took care of you when you were a child, is now an annoyance because she is not cooking for you and doing stuff for you like your MIL is. How about the stuff she did for you when you were a child? Does that not count?

Now, you have a helper in the MIL, who cooks and cleans for you and is quiet and always agrees with you even when you complain about her son. How wonderful! Of course, you like your MIL better. Your MIL is more helpful to you than your mother now. Your mother is useless now to you, and she should go get a life of her own and some hobbies too ("OMG OMG OMG OMG" as you stated) so that she can stop trying to be near you, dude. In other words, you should tell your mother to either start being helpful to you like your selfless MIL who actually does chores or get out of your hair because it's so exhausting to be followed around and to actually be helpful to your own mother rather than to be helped by her. If that's the type of "natural" love you are speaking of, I don't want it.

In spite of all your bravado about not expecting your kids to take care of you when you are older, you are currently expecting your mother to TAKE CARE OF YOU LIKE YOUR MIL DOES in order for you to think highly of your mother. So, whether you consciously know it or not, every time you praise your MIL, it's because of what your MIL can do for YOU, and every time you disparage your own mother, it's because of what she currently doesn't do for you and what she sometimes causes you to do for her. 

BTW, when my parents come to visit me, I don't expect them to do anything. I am fine with them just sitting around the house. They don't have to get up early like your MIL and cook breakfast for me in order for me to love them. In fact, I take pleasure in cooking breakfast for them. I take pride in making them happy. I do what I can to make their lives easier because I am appreciative of the love they showed me all my life. I love them and want to be around them just because they are them, and not because of what they can do for me.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

loveadvice said:


> Maybe if you gave the same attention you give to your MIL to your own mother, your mother would be happy.......
> 
> Your mother, who you probably followed around all the time when you were a child and who took care of you when you were a child, is now an annoyance because she is not cooking for you and doing stuff for you like your MIL is.....
> 
> Now, you have a helper in the MIL, who cooks and cleans for you and is quiet and always agrees with you even when you complain about her son......


This is a forum, and things do not get communicated across often. However, I am always amazed by how people jump in and sound accusatory towards a complete stranger. I think you are proud of our Chinese heritage and would like to keep those values, there is nothing wrong with that. But you do not know anything about my family. This is the last time I "respond", since I like to clarify things. It gives others some background if they want to give USEFUL advice. 

(1) My family dynamic goes like this. My Mom is the oldest of 4, yet she was so dotted on by my grandfather that even she freely admits she was the "most spoiled of the kids". She claims she doesn't know how to do anything. When she finished school, she married my father, 11 yrs older, who continued the track to do things for her. No one hardly ever disagreed with her all her life. That is why it's difficult for her to adjust to other people's needs. 
(2) I witnessed many of my parents' "altercations". They consisted of my Mother screaming, my Father lowering his voice and telling her to calm down, but sometimes he would sigh and shake his head (secretly) and say "why does she have to do that"....
(3) When Dad passed away, Mom was telling everyone how sorry she had "not treated him well enough", crying and asking me if Dad died with "regrets". I had to grind my teeth then bare them into a smile, telling her no, no regrets, because he loved you. I still have to say this often. No lies here, I know he loved her. But I do think she could have behaved more maturely. 
(4) Now my Mom would love to turn me into Dad, and I try to a reasonable degree to do that. Beyond that, I have to make it clear I am running the show. 
(5) I do not "use" my MIL. I tell how she always helps and does things for me to make a point. She is just simply different from my Mother because she is from a peasant family, while my Mom is from a well-to-do family, but Mother is Mother, the comparison has nothing to do with who is more useful to me. It is to illustrate how without expectations I as a child do not feel the pressure. Living with MIL would still bring stress, for example, the older generation often watches TV loudly in the living room. My point is the two generations can spend time together, but not living together. Yes, it's against many Chinese people's ideas, but it's a personal opinion from experience. 



EleGirl said:


> Does you mom have any friends near where she lives? Or is she alone all the time? If she's alone a lot, it might be a good idea to get her to move into a place with other her age around her. She might make more friends and get more active.


Elegirl, thanks for responding to my post rather than lecturing. Mom actually has LOTS of friends, and LOTS of church support. When she's not with me, she's actually often with people (I know because couple of times we looked for her and she was always with someone). She just likes to tell me how alone she is. The thing is, sometimes you are bound to be alone. She doesn't like that idea. Let me give you one example. My mother has NEVER been to a restaurant BY HERSELF. And she refuses to do that. I travel a lot so I cannot understand this nonsense. 
I might sound harsh on this board, if you see me and my mom, you will understand. She is the domineering one. Much of the stress has resulted form that.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> This is a forum, and things do not get communicated across often. However, I am always amazed by how people jump in and sound accusatory towards a complete stranger. I think you are proud of our Chinese heritage and would like to keep those values, there is nothing wrong with that. But you do not know anything about my family. This is the last time I "respond", since I like to clarify things. It gives others some background if they want to give USEFUL advice.
> 
> (1) My family dynamic goes like this. My Mom is the oldest of 4, yet she was so dotted on by my grandfather that even she freely admits she was the "most spoiled of the kids". She claims she doesn't know how to do anything. When she finished school, she married my father, 11 yrs older, who continued the track to do things for her. No one hardly ever disagreed with her all her life. That is why it's difficult for her to adjust to other people's needs.
> (2) I witnessed many of my parents' "altercations". They consisted of my Mother screaming, my Father lowering his voice and telling her to calm down, but sometimes he would sigh and shake his head (secretly) and say "why does she have to do that"....
> ...


Jennifer,

You stated that you are "not interested in a back and forth" discussion and just want to have the last word. Ok, but when you ask for advice on an advice board from strangers, you should expect people to give you their opinions because you asked for them. 

People can only comment on the facts that you have presented. If you don't find them USEFUL, which I think is a rude thing to say because I took the time to help you and respond to your questions, then don't pay attention to them. 

I get the feeling that you don't really want to hear anyone's advice that is not agreeable to your own. That's why you and your MIL get along so well. You both think that your respective husbands are the problem and you are the martyrs. Well, misery loves company. You just want to go on this forum to vent and get sympathy, but not really listen. Bottom line, you don't like your mom. You think she's crap and you want others to say she's crap too so that you can feel better. Okay, I finally got it. I thought you may have wanted advice on how to have a better relationship with your mother. Please let people know that you are not seeking a "back and forth exchange" on ideas that are different from your own from the get-go so that others like me will not take the time to respond. Also state in your opening remarks, no lectures, please, and any opinions, other than those that agree with you, are useless to you because you know that you are right. It would have been helpful to the reader if you just said that from the get-go.

Wouldn't it be ironic if in your old age, you lose your husband, and you find yourself wanting to spend time with your children and they don't want to spend time with you because they saw how you treated your own mother and learned from you not to be grateful for the things you did for them when they were little. 

This is MY last response to you.


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