# Wife changed after father's death



## db52993

Ok where do I begin! Lets start 12 years ago. Twelve years ago my wife and I were married. I always felt we had a OK marriage. We currently have no kids.

In 2008, we found out that my sis-in-law were having marital problems. They have two kids. We (Wife and I) knew they were having problems in their marriage and prior to thier divorce kindly gave advice to my sis-in-law that divorce is not the answer. Nothing good comes from a divorce. In any case, they filed for divorce. We eventually found out that my sis-in-law was the one who was cheating. My-sis-law and wife relationship is strained probably because we told her the effects that come from divorce. Also, It probably appears from my sis-in-law viewpoint that we have taken he ex-husband side because he was the faithful partner. We don't take sides, but the ex-husband lets my wife talk to her nephews, whereas her sister did not. My sis-in-law has given my wife the cold shoulder. My wife has not spoke to her sister or her nephews in about 3-4 years. My wife is upset about this.

In 2012, I get a call from my wife that her father had a heart attack, but was in stable condition. I left my job immediately to pick up my wife at her place of employment (about 30 mins away). When I got there, my wife was dillydally. She was just finishing up some paperwork. I was like "come on" we need to leave. We procrastinated about 15 minutes then finally left for the hospital (40 mins away). When we finally got to the hospital, the doctor brought us into a room and told us that her father had died. I was shocked and my wife started to ball crying. This was back in July.

Ever since that fateful day, my wife has done a 180. She says that she is a changed women. I asked her "how she's changed?", and she would say "that she isn't putting up with my nonsense anymore." I have know idea what she is talking about, so I ask for examples. First, she says that I was inconsiderate when her father died, because I didn't hold her hand after finding out the death of her father. Second, she says that I yell at her all the time (Not true!), and make her feel unconfortable. Third, she very upset at something that happen 3 years ago when I didn't go with her to her nephew's baseball game. Forth, she says that I had no time for her on her anniversay day (I never said that). Fifth, she is upset that I took strawberrys from the freezer and didn't leave her any breakfast. Sixth, she says that I forced her to go to college (Not true). I feel she is taking everything out on me. I mentioned to her that whatever I did/didn't do, I apologize, but I can't change the past. I said why dont we go to marriage conseling. She doesn't want to go. I feel that she is distancing herself away from me. I feel alone. Im trying hard to do the right thing. Concerning our anniversay I bought her a beautiful ring. I do some laundry. However, I dont know what else to do. She puts her guard up when I go to kiss her. I feel that we are on two different pages. She says she wants to move where her mom is, about 150 miles away. I tell her, we can't. I have a job here and there are no jobs for what I do there, and I am not going to quit my job in one of the hardest economies ever.

We come from strong religious backgrounds, so divorce is not an option unless infidelity is present. I have not committed such. I feel I am a good husband. Yes, Im not perfect, but Im not so deficient either. She says that she changed. She says that since her father died, she is different. She does admit that she has changed. She has a "I dont care" about our relationship attitude. She says that she is damaged emotionally. Could the events within the last couple of years between her sister and dad cause this. What does those events have to do with me? It seems like she is taking it all out on me.

Any advice?


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## MattMatt

db52993 said:


> Ok where do I begin! Lets start 12 years ago. Twelve years ago my wife and I were married. I always felt we had a OK marriage. We currently have no kids.
> 
> In 2008, we found out that my sis-in-law were having marital problems. They have two kids. We (Wife and I) knew they were having problems in their marriage and prior to thier divorce kindly gave advice to my sis-in-law that divorce is not the answer. Nothing good comes from a divorce. In any case, they filed for divorce. We eventually found out that my sis-in-law was the one who was cheating. My-sis-law and wife relationship is strained probably because we told her the effects that come from divorce. Also, It probably appears from my sis-in-law viewpoint that we have taken he ex-husband side because he was the faithful partner. We don't take sides, but the ex-husband lets my wife talk to her nephews, whereas her sister did not. My sis-in-law has given my wife the cold shoulder. My wife has not spoke to her sister or her nephews in about 3-4 years. My wife is upset about this.
> 
> In 2012, I get a call from my wife that her father had a heart attack, but was in stable condition. I left my job immediately to pick up my wife at her place of employment (about 30 mins away). When I got there, my wife was dillydally. She was just finishing up some paperwork. I was like "come on" we need to leave. We procrastinated about 15 minutes then finally left for the hospital (40 mins away). When we finally got to the hospital, the doctor brought us into a room and told us that her father had died. I was shocked and my wife started to ball crying. This was back in July.
> 
> Ever since that fateful day, my wife has done a 180. She says that she is a changed women. I asked her "how she's changed?", and she would say "that she isn't putting up with my nonsense anymore." I have know idea what she is talking about, so I ask for examples. First, she says that I was inconsiderate when her father died, because I didn't hold her hand after finding out the death of her father. Second, she says that I yell at her all the time (Not true!), and make her feel unconfortable. Third, she very upset at something that happen 3 years ago when I didn't go with her to her nephew's baseball game. Forth, she says that I had no time for her on her anniversay day (I never said that). Fifth, she is upset that I took strawberrys from the freezer and didn't leave her any breakfast. Sixth, she says that I forced her to go to college (Not true). I feel she is taking everything out on me. I mentioned to her that whatever I did/didn't do, I apologize, but I can't change the past. I said why dont we go to marriage conseling. She doesn't want to go. I feel that she is distancing herself away from me. I feel alone. Im trying hard to do the right thing. Concerning our anniversay I bought her a beautiful ring. I do some laundry. However, I dont know what else to do. She puts her guard up when I go to kiss her. I feel that we are on two different pages. She says she wants to move where her mom is, about 150 miles away. I tell her, we can't. I have a job here and there are no jobs for what I do there, and I am not going to quit my job in one of the hardest economies ever.
> 
> We come from strong religious backgrounds, so divorce is not an option unless infidelity is present. I have not committed such. I feel I am a good husband. Yes, Im not perfect, but Im not so deficient either. She says that she changed. She says that since her father died, she is different. She does admit that she has changed. She has a "I dont care" about our relationship attitude. She says that she is damaged emotionally. Could the events within the last couple of years between her sister and dad cause this. What does those events have to do with me? It seems like she is taking it all out on me.
> 
> Any advice?


It could be what I call NHS, Nearest Human Syndrome. Where the nearest human -you- gets all the blame for everything.

However, before this gets out of hand, you might need to see if you can insist on some form of counselling for her and perhaps for marriage counselling.

Is there a possibility she is cheating?:scratchhead:


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## Blue Firefly

MY SIL had the same reaction when her father died. She suddenly pulled away from her husband and their marriage quickly got into big trouble.

The truth is, she had not been happy in the marriage for years, but stayed in it and played the happy wife because she didn't want to upset her father.

Strong religious family with a father that the daughters admire and want to please (and don't want to be a disappointment to their father). That's the forumla.

IMHO, your wife's change of attitude doesn't have anything to do with your SIL or her divorce.

What you are probably experiencing is years of suppressed frustration with your and the marriage finally coming to the surface. 

In other words, your marriage hasn't been nearly as perfect and rosy as you thought it was for many, many (many, many) years. But, because she didn't want to disappoint her father with a failed marriage, she has been keeping up the appearance of a successful marriage. Now that her father has passed away, she no longer has to maintain appearances--and she isn't.

Get ready for a roller coaster ride.


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## db52993

Thanks for your responses. I dont think she is cheating; I dont get that feeling. In some respects, I feel that she is really deeply, deeply depressed and doesn't know how to handle. Whenever you start to criticize and find faults, it makes you feel good. Its sought of a way to cope. 

I guess I will wait and see what happens in the coming months.


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## lifeistooshort

Blue Firefly said:


> MY SIL had the same reaction when her father died. She suddenly pulled away from her husband and their marriage quickly got into big trouble.
> 
> The truth is, she had not been happy in the marriage for years, but stayed in it and played the happy wife because she didn't want to upset her father.
> 
> Strong religious family with a father that the daughters admire and want to please (and don't want to be a disappointment to their father). That's the forumla.
> 
> IMHO, your wife's change of attitude doesn't have anything to do with your SIL or her divorce.
> 
> What you are probably experiencing is years of suppressed frustration with your and the marriage finally coming to the surface.
> 
> In other words, your marriage hasn't been nearly as perfect and rosy as you thought it was for many, many (many, many) years. But, because she didn't want to disappoint her father with a failed marriage, she has been keeping up the appearance of a successful marriage. Now that her father has passed away, she no longer has to maintain appearances--and she isn't.
> 
> Get ready for a roller coaster ride.


I agree with this. My father died recently and it has made me take a look at everything in my life. He and I were very close and his passing has caused me to look at the important things in life. I have since cut out a few people that didn't add anything to my life, fortunately my husband wasn't one of them. If I had been unhappy though he'd be gone now. Death makes you realize just how short life is. You need to get to the bottom of why she's not happy in the marriage because like Blue said, she doesn't have the same view as you of your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

db52993 said:


> Thanks for your responses. I dont think she is cheating; I dont get that feeling. In some respects, I feel that she is really deeply, deeply depressed and doesn't know how to handle. Whenever you start to criticize and find faults, it makes you feel good. Its sought of a way to cope.
> 
> I guess I will wait and see what happens in the coming months.


Waiting to see what happnes is a really bad idea. There are things that you can do and the time to do them is now.

Look at all the things that she told you. Unless you think your wife is a liar there is some truth in it all. 

She says that you yell at her all the time. To you it might not be yelling. But there is something in the way you talk to her that bothers her. Take a look at that. Often the person doing the yelling, or speaking forcefully, our a bit louder, or more terse does not even realize they are doing it. Maybe what she means that that when she says something you always have to be right, so you shut her down.

She is upset about you taking the strawberries and not leaving any for her. Well maybe she feels that you often do selfish things and leave her out, or don’t take her into consideration.

You say that you do some laundry. Does this mean that this is the only thing you do around the house?

Your wife is probably also very depressed. This adds to her seeing everything in a negative light.

There are some good books that can help you. One is “His Needs, Her Needs” I’m sure that others will suggest other books. 

Go to counseling yourself if she will not go. Also, ask her to go some so she can tell the counselor what you need to improve on. This is a way to get her into some counseling with her thinking you are the subject. But it gets her through the door.

Start working on yourself.


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## Chris Taylor

Sometimes when a loved one passes, a person feels it as a personal blow, as in "I've been doing all the right things and THIS is what I get???"

And in your case, the "right things" were suppressing issues she has had with you. One of those issues could have been overlooked, maybe two. She has let them pile up so that a handful of relatively minor issues are now major issues.

There is only so much you can do until you have to address it rather bluntly in that you have apologized for these transgressions but it's time to move on. It may help if you could point out some of HER transgressions like her using the last of the milk. It sounds childish to do a tit for tat but it points out that what you have done is NOT earth shattering (or marriage shattering) and that it's time to move on.


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## Iver

Athol Kay's MMSLP for starters. 

If you have a church you attend couples counseling may be available there as well.

If your lifeboat is taking on water do not wait a couple of months to see how bad it can get - start bailing now!


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## Lazarus

You are in a very dangerous position. The fact you have written on here shows your concern.

Your wife is going through turmoil. She missed seeing her father alive because, as you say, she dillydallied and in the end it was too late for her to say what she needed to say to him before he died. Her fault, not yours. As a consequence she is lashing out and you are the nearest experiencing her wrath.

It may be appropriate if you can for you to seek on your own some counselling on how to deal with this situation from a professional and if finances don't allow this cost consider the views of the posters here on TAM. There is a lot of sound advice and views.

I think your wife may be going through a personal crisis where she is blaming everyone, mainly you when the reality is her procrastination on visiting her father prior to his death. Added to which the loss of contact with other family members she is going through a bit of a mid life crisis and with no children herself she may have too much time on her own when you are out working. 

It is very hurtful for you to hear her blame you and not take responsibility for her own actions.

Assuming her blame shifting is not cheating (cheaters are very devious and great liars in the art of self deception often re-writing history of your relationship) you need to listen with two ears what she is saying about your relationship and quietly evaluate if she is speaking the truth and you just haven't seen any of her resentment building.

If you are able to quietly reassure yourself there is no one in the background by carrying out some subtle checking, unusual transactions on credit cards, unknown telephone numbers showering often, perfume overuse etc, I would say your wife is lashing out and very dissatisfied with herself and in turn she is blaming you. 

The problem is trying to evaluate if she is geniunely depressed and grieving or looking for an excuse to exit your marriage and thus blaming you for everything. If cheating, her father's death could be used to exit the marriage. Just keep your options opened, don't discount an affair.

What about her friends and your friends are any of them cheating? "Friends" that are cheaters are unhealthy for any marriage. 

If you sit back on this issue you will be in the divorce court so you need to be strong and ask her how can you help her in the grieving process.

Once you have done your subtle checking to eradicate any fear of cheating ask her outright if another man is involved. Look her straight in the eyes....if her eyes drop be prepared for a rollercoaster fight to save your marriage. Cheaters are great at bare faced lying.

If your wife just needs a new challenge, it could be that her father's death has made her revisit her life and all she needs to do is make her life more rewarding. If she is not working, maybe help her to join interest groups, language, art, camera, drama or flower arrangement classes etc to help her with a new lust for life but with you in it of course!

Don't become fearful of her need to flee. Show strength, kindness and compassion and ask her outright what she needs you to do to help her.

In the meantime try not to take all that she says too much to heart but certainly do not dismiss the resentment warning signs.

Her lack of taking responsibility for her actions is very worrying and it could lead to a lot of harm for you. Protect yourself from this blame shifting behaviour. 

2012 is not long ago therefore grieving is likely to last some years there could be more going on here because of her need to blame you.

Blame shifting is a really bad character trait that could harm you emotionally and financially.


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## Machiavelli

db52993 said:


> Thanks for your responses. I dont think she is cheating; I dont get that feeling. In some respects, I feel that she is really deeply, deeply depressed and doesn't know how to handle. Whenever you start to criticize and find faults, it makes you feel good. Its sought of a way to cope.
> 
> I guess I will wait and see what happens in the coming months.


Women don't really like passive wimpy guys. The kind of guy who says "I guess I will wait and see what happens in the coming months."

Most women "settle" for the best guy they can get when they marry. Your wife is one of those women. Death puts things into clarity for these women and that's why a death in the family, or a wedding, is a catalyst for affairs and divorce.

Why no kids after such a long marriage?

Do women hit on you a lot?


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## BjornFree

She doesn't care eh?

Well you don't need to be in a relationship where your spouse "doesn't care". You don't have kids. Count that as blessing in your case.

You're ruining your life staying with her and trying to appease her. Do her a favor and have her served. Lets see if she doesn't start caring when you stop caring too.


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## Ralfgarnet

This is really scarey stuff, I know because I am going through something very similar with my wife, we separated in July and nope I saw nothing coming no signs nothing, and it is all for such similar reasons as this, thing is my father I law welcomed me as his 3rd son he wouldn't want to see us going through all this torture but I honestly cant see a way around it either and that honestly petrifies me, we too were very happy, very content, we had just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary and have been together nearly 20 years so we have a hell of a lot to lose, I have been tormented by this and have often felt as though I was losing my mind, I am seeing a counsellor to help me come to terms with the shock yet she is doing absolutely nothing to help herself, things can only get better and right now certainly couldn't be any worse


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> Waiting to see what happnes is a really bad idea. There are things that you can do and the time to do them is now.
> 
> Look at all the things that she told you. Unless you think your wife is a liar there is some truth in it all.
> 
> She says that you yell at her all the time. To you it might not be yelling. But there is something in the way you talk to her that bothers her. Take a look at that. Often the person doing the yelling, or speaking forcefully, our a bit louder, or more terse does not even realize they are doing it. Maybe what she means that that when she says something you always have to be right, so you shut her down.
> 
> She is upset about you taking the strawberries and not leaving any for her. Well maybe she feels that you often do selfish things and leave her out, or don’t take her into consideration.
> 
> You say that you do some laundry. Does this mean that this is the only thing you do around the house?
> 
> Your wife is probably also very depressed. This adds to her seeing everything in a negative light.
> 
> There are some good books that can help you. One is “His Needs, Her Needs” I’m sure that others will suggest other books.
> 
> Go to counseling yourself if she will not go. Also, ask her to go some so she can tell the counselor what you need to improve on. This is a way to get her into some counseling with her thinking you are the subject. But it gets her through the door.
> 
> Start working on yourself.


I agree your wife sees much wrong with your marriage. And, it is always a good idea to work on yourself, or at least look at your behavior to see if anything needs improving. And counseling seems like a wonderful idea.

However, your wife's present unhappiness is not necessarily your fault or your issue to resolve. It is your job (as always) to be a responsible, supportive husband who is considerate of her needs (with an extra measure of support for now). It is not your job to subordinate your needs to hers several months out or to do things that harm you or your family over the long term.

Many of her complaints seem resonable from what I can see. However, one thing that is clearly unreasonable is asking you to move without job prospects (which you were correct in rejecting). Most likely, she would not be any happier in the end. You would take an income hit, and that would give her something else to blame you for. 

At any rate, setting such a high expectation on you (that you upend your life and figure out something to keep the family going) to appease her speaks poorly about her level of respect for you. You need to hold firm and lovingly (but firmly) note that you are willing to work on her happiness, but tolerating disrespect, allowing her to rewrite history, and harming yourself are lines you will not cross.

I'm curious. Has she tended to be selfish before her father's death (meaning it's just becoming worse now)?


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## DTO

DTO said:


> I agree your wife sees much wrong with your marriage. And, it is always a good idea to work on yourself, or at least look at your behavior to see if anything needs improving. And counseling seems like a wonderful idea.
> 
> However, your wife's present unhappiness is not necessarily your fault or your issue to resolve. It is your job (as always) to be a responsible, supportive husband who is considerate of her needs (with an extra measure of support for now). It is not your job to subordinate your needs to hers several months out or to do things that harm you or your family over the long term.
> 
> Many of her complaints seem resonable from what I can see. However, one thing that is clearly unreasonable is asking you to move without job prospects (which you were correct in rejecting). Most likely, she would not be any happier in the end. You would take an income hit, and that would give her something else to blame you for.
> 
> At any rate, setting such a high expectation on you (that you upend your life and figure out something to keep the family going) to appease her speaks poorly about her level of respect for you. You need to hold firm and lovingly (but firmly) note that you are willing to work on her happiness, but tolerating disrespect, allowing her to rewrite history, and harming yourself are lines you will not cross.
> 
> I'm curious. Has she tended to be selfish before her father's death (meaning it's just becoming worse now)?


Also wanted to add that you definitely should not ignore this and see how the next few months shake out. If she is willing to work with you on genuinely improving the marriage (and not just scapegoating you) you should definitely invest the effort. If not, then you need to consider that in her current mindset her comfort comes first and she will not hesitate to screw you over in the process of making herself feel better.

I have BTDT with my ex (losing our young son to cancer) so I've seen exactly how bad it can be.


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## TooFamliar

Hi I wanted to give you some input from the wife's perspective.

First off the loss of a parent is devistating. Unfortunately early my marriage both my mom and my husband's mom passed away 3 months apart. Neither were able to comfort the other due to the devistation we both were trying to deal with.

My mom died first of cancer. My husband's mom was dying and we did not even know it, she dies a few months later. To make a long story short I was with my Mom in hospice when she took her last breath. I called my husband who was home with the new baby to tell him mom died. He said he was sorry so I got home and he was sound asleep. I felt disgusted and hurt.

Fast forward 20 years I Lost my sister two years ago to a tragic unexpected death. Now that was a real turning point on the marriage and again I felt he could not understand my pain.

Men and women handle pain in different ways. Your the closest to her therefore she will take her hurt out on you. I agree your at a very dangerous point in the marriage. If you want my advice it would be to ask her to go to dinner with you to talk. Tell her you want to help but you don't know what to do. ask her what you can do to help her? That might be all she is looking for or wanting to hear. Unfortunately sometimes the people we are closest to are the ones that we hurt the most.


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## WasDecimated

db52993, I don’t mean to scare you but if you love your wife and marriage, this could be disastrous…It was for me. This has all the makings of a Mid-life crisis.

My story in a nut shell.

I was married for 16 years. Up until year 13 our marriage was honestly pretty good. I was happy although I understand that no marriage is perfect, ours was close. I was constantly being reassured by XWW that she was happy as well. We had a nice home, new cars and 3 great kids. I have a great income working normal hours...no real worries and great vacations. Our relationship was still strong and we had fun together. We would still chase each other around the house like newlyweds. I actually still have the holiday cards she gave me that year where she is gushing about how lucky and thankful she is for me and our marriage, how much she loves me and how much I mean to her. 

Everything started to go south after her parents died...6 months apart. After that, she was never the same. She quickly evolved into a super selfish version of her previous self. The world now revolved around her. During this transition period she started drifting farther and farther away from me emotionally despite my every effort. She had lost physical attraction for me too. Honestly, I'm over 6' tall, have all my hair, work out regularly and am in better shape than most guys 25 years old. This suddenly didn't matter. She started blaming me for her sudden unhappiness and resented my very existence. She started to rebel like a teenager. She opened up credit cards in my name, without my knowledge, and racked up huge balances buying tons of new clothes and shoes. She stopped doing her share around the house. She started to become a Facebook addict, constantly posting pictures of her which drew that attention of lots of guys. She started going out partying with her friends often drinking and coming home later and later, lying about where she had been. Whenever I would express my displeasure about her behavior, she would accuse me of being controlling. Then she started cheating with an old school friend from Facebook that went on for a 1 ½ years before I found out. She had completely imploded. The scary part about this is...it all happened within one year!

In retrospect, she was the poster child for a female mid-life crisis. It was the perfect storm of elements that came together at the right, or rather, wrong time. I feel the trigger for this change in her was the death of her parents. This is a common trigger for a MLC. Other factors included: Her age...approaching 40 years old. We were married for 13 years at that point (years 10 to 15 seem to be common). Our kids were getting older and becoming more self-sufficient. She really became immersed in cyber friendships and Facebook. She also had too much spare time on her hands with no real personal goals beyond having children.

Of course, her infidelity was the death knell for our marriage. That was the line I would not tolerate being crossed. I will never completely understand what happened to her. I am 9 years older than her and never went through a complete re-assessment of my life’s values and priorities but then again, my parents are still alive. She never really took the time to dig deep within herself and sort it all out. This change in her was something that no one could or would have predicted especially our close friends and family. She really did have a wonderful life but it suddenly meant nothing to her anymore. 

If this is what you are going through you better strap yourself in for a hell of a ride. There won’t be much, if anything you can do to alter this. You need to take care of yourself and remember, you can’t nice her back. Some of these MLC’s last a couple years and come full circle in which they return to the same values they once had. Some never come back. 

It will be up to you to draw the line in the sand as to what you are willing and not willing to put up with and communicate this to her very clearly. If she crosses that line you must react accordingly.

Good luck my friend


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## Tobin

Decimated said:


> Honestly, I'm over 6' tall, have all my hair


Hey what's that supposed to mean?

I'm thinning on top so I should expect to be cheated on?

Presumably with a 6' tall guy with all his hair.


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## truster

I'm with Decimated.. a major life change involving death or illness often means Mid Life Crisis, and I'm thick in the weeds of one right now. Check out these threads for more reading -- unfortunately, despite searching and searching, the only advice I've seen for dealing with it seems to be 'grit your teeth, roll over on your back, and tough it out for years', which.. is not promising. Mine is ending in D, personally. Good luck to you -- I know how difficult it is to accept the complete and overwhelming change from lovable person to insane 4-year-old.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physic...s/278458-mlc-midlife-crisis-my-wife-wind.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/283010-mid-life-crisis-women.html


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## JohnA

You need to re-examinne the role her father and faith played in her life and her sisters. From what you written both the father and her faith served to suppress who she and the sister are. With the father alive his beliefs dominated not thier's. My EWW had a close relationship with dad but when he pass so did she in a manner of speaking.

On the other hand my dad's passing re-enforced the values he shared with me. Can you grasp the difference. At this point you need to read about walk away wives, the 180, and the fog. Not because she is there yet, but to protect your marriage.


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## WasDecimated

Tobin...lol!

If it makes you feel better, the clown she was cheating with had lost most of his hair and wasn't in that great of shape.

I was trying to make a point that it didn't matter what kind of husband I was, what kind of relationship or life we shared, what I looked like, or what kind of shape I was in, she suddenly lost attraction to me after her parents died. I truly think what she went through was inevitable. It didn't matter who she was married to, it just happened to be me.


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## billbird2111

Holy Crap,

Nearly every post in here describes the state of our current marriage today. In my case my wife lost her mother, father and her younger brother within the space of ten years. The loss of her parents didn't impact her. The untimely death of her brother did. He was 43. He died of multiple organ failure (heavy drinker). She and I both drink, but not anything like her brother did. But we do drink just about every night. We've been married for nearly 14 years. The past year has been the worst of my life. She's never treated me like this before.

But the tale of woe I hear from db52993 and the others sounds frighteningly familiar. My wife has withdrawn from me emotionally, stays out with friends or work associates without telling me and, worse yet, has taken to lying to hide her tracks. I know this because I caught one in a whopper that really surprised me. She'd never done anything like this before. We've been to counseling together and apart. I still continue to see a counselor. The counselor tells me I've become the target for all her grief and depression because I'm the only one left. We do not have any kids. We tried the old fashioned way and then a fertility clinic. Struck out on both counts. One night, about eight months ago, she looked me in the eye and said: "I'm so glad we didn't have any children together."

Needless to say, I was shocked. The abuse has been pretty steady for the past eight to nine months. I can't understand it. Holidays have been the absolute worst. The abuse worsens. She nearly came unglued for the crime of suggesting we put up a Christmas tree together. When my brother tried to counsel her and ask what the problem was, she responded that she is irritated by everything I say or do. 

She told the marriage counselor that she's absolutely committed to making the marriage work. Yet the abuse continues. The hurtful comments. The outright lies. The counselor has told me to let her be who she wants to be and let her do what she wants. Don't get angry. Don't get mad. Just roll with it. When she gets angry, try to talk things out. "I'm sorry that you're mad, would you like to talk about what is making you upset" is to be my standard response.

To be honest -- I don't know how long I can keep this up. She's Catholic and claims to be a "good Catholic girl" that would never think of divorce. But she's clearly pushing me away. She knows she's pushing me away. But she hasn't told me to leave. She hasn't said she wants to leave, but also talks wistfully about the freedom of living in a condo downtown. Every message I get from her is mixed.

To the people who have posted here -- who have gone through the same thing. What is the end result? Is this marriage doomed? I'm 52 years old and really don't look forward to living the single life again. I adore my wife. I love our marriage. I've loved every moment of it. She was happy -- or so I thought. But this past year has been the worst year of my life and I don't see a light at the end of a tunnel -- and if I do -- I fear it might be the light of an oncoming freight train.


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## db52993

Billbird2111,

Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done. 

I hope things will improve for you.


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## chrissy47

I feel she needs time and perhaps counseling. Death is such a hard thing to deal with, especially since your wife never got to say bye to her father. This kind of pain with take the wings of time to fly away.


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## Marc878

db52993 said:


> Billbird2111,
> 
> Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.
> 
> I hope things will improve for you.


Sorry. Looking at your first post. You need to work on yourself, don't eat the strawberries, walk gingerly on eggshells, be a better doormat, etc. all bull****.

At least you know the truth. Typical cheater rewriting history as she spreads her legs for another man.


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## Marc878

billbird2111 said:


> Holy Crap,
> 
> Nearly every post in here describes the state of our current marriage today. In my case my wife lost her mother, father and her younger brother within the space of ten years. The loss of her parents didn't impact her. The untimely death of her brother did. He was 43. He died of multiple organ failure (heavy drinker). She and I both drink, but not anything like her brother did. But we do drink just about every night. We've been married for nearly 14 years. The past year has been the worst of my life. She's never treated me like this before.
> 
> But the tale of woe I hear from db52993 and the others sounds frighteningly familiar. My wife has withdrawn from me emotionally, stays out with friends or work associates without telling me and, worse yet, has taken to lying to hide her tracks. I know this because I caught one in a whopper that really surprised me. She'd never done anything like this before. We've been to counseling together and apart. I still continue to see a counselor. The counselor tells me I've become the target for all her grief and depression because I'm the only one left. We do not have any kids. We tried the old fashioned way and then a fertility clinic. Struck out on both counts. One night, about eight months ago, she looked me in the eye and said: "I'm so glad we didn't have any children together."
> 
> Needless to say, I was shocked. The abuse has been pretty steady for the past eight to nine months. I can't understand it. Holidays have been the absolute worst. The abuse worsens. She nearly came unglued for the crime of suggesting we put up a Christmas tree together. When my brother tried to counsel her and ask what the problem was, she responded that she is irritated by everything I say or do.
> 
> She told the marriage counselor that she's absolutely committed to making the marriage work. Yet the abuse continues. The hurtful comments. The outright lies. The counselor has told me to let her be who she wants to be and let her do what she wants. Don't get angry. Don't get mad. Just roll with it. When she gets angry, try to talk things out. "I'm sorry that you're mad, would you like to talk about what is making you upset" is to be my standard response.
> 
> To be honest -- I don't know how long I can keep this up. She's Catholic and claims to be a "good Catholic girl" that would never think of divorce. But she's clearly pushing me away. She knows she's pushing me away. But she hasn't told me to leave. She hasn't said she wants to leave, but also talks wistfully about the freedom of living in a condo downtown. Every message I get from her is mixed.
> 
> To the people who have posted here -- who have gone through the same thing. What is the end result? Is this marriage doomed? I'm 52 years old and really don't look forward to living the single life again. I adore my wife. I love our marriage. I've loved every moment of it. She was happy -- or so I thought. But this past year has been the worst year of my life and I don't see a light at the end of a tunnel -- and if I do -- I fear it might be the light of an oncoming freight train.


Listen to sissy advice if you want. Be nice to her, give her time/space, be a nice little doormat, etc

if you're smart the first thing you do is CHECK YOUR PHONE BILL!!!!!!!!!!


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## MattMatt

db52993 said:


> Billbird2111,
> 
> Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.
> 
> I hope things will improve for you.


That's sad. Take strength from all the others here. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## billbird2111

db52993 said:


> Billbird2111,
> 
> Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.
> 
> I hope things will improve for you.


They did not improve db. They worsened to the point where the truth finally came out last night. She's been cheating on me with a newspaper columnist of all things. It's been going on for about a year.

She wrapped her arms around me, told me she's in love with him, told me she'd rather be with him than with me and said she wasn't going to stop seeing him.

Today I contacted a divorce attorney. I was going to move out, but other people are telling me to stay right where I am. They say she's the one who cheated so she should leave, not me.


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## Archangel2

Billbird2111 - Hope you are doing well


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## Mr The Other

billbird2111 said:


> They did not improve db. They worsened to the point where the truth finally came out last night. She's been cheating on me with a newspaper columnist of all things. It's been going on for about a year.
> 
> She wrapped her arms around me, told me she's in love with him, told me she'd rather be with him than with me and said she wasn't going to stop seeing him.
> 
> Today I contacted a divorce attorney. I was going to move out, but other people are telling me to stay right where I am. They say she's the one who cheated so she should leave, not me.


Stay where you are. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME.

If you leave, you will be considered to have abandoned her. 

Get onto the forum section for going through divorce and get good advice.


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## billbird2111

db52993 said:


> Billbird2111,
> 
> Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.
> 
> I hope things will improve for you.


My marriage ended much the same way, db. This month marks one year since she left. She was having multiple affairs, and is now spending time with a woman who has become both her mother and her lover. I know that sounds incredibly strange, but it's true.

The homes we had together have all been sold. The last one hit the block in March and it was gone five days later. Chinese investment groups working the California market found the place and bid it through the roof. It sold for far more than I imagined. I see it as a bit of good news.

As for my wife -- she also filed for divorce. She wanted to use a mediator and came after me with an attorney to get what she wanted. So -- I gave it to her. The process was nearly complete when she halted everything in November. No reason given, she just stopped hounding me. I haven't heard from the mediator since before Thanksgiving. We've met a few times to go over paperwork and taxes. The anger she once lashed out at me with is gone. It's been replaced by sadness. She thought her life would improve by giving me the heave-ho. It hasn't. She's starting to miss me. I can tell. The last two times we were together we talked for hours. I could tell she did not want to leave.

I am told that she will continue to grow wistful as time passes. She will begin to miss the many things we did together. We did share a lot of loves in life. She was a champion gardener with the greenest thumb I'd ever witnessed. I helped cultivate that green thumb and put it to work. I was very proud of that accomplishment. I still am. But today our gardens are much smaller. The home we turned into our own personal farmer's market is gone now -- it belongs to someone else.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. But I think of the wife I once had, not the woman she's become. Someone on this forum put it into plain language for me to understand. "The new woman she became murdered your wife. Grieve for her because she's not coming back." I don't miss her as much. I fear her to be honest. She's got enough money to hound me with attorneys to my dying day. So -- I don't contact her. Ever. About anything. I only talk to her if she messages or calls me. Other than that, there is no contact between us.

Life gets a little bit better with every passing day. A job that I recently interviewed for may take me away from this city to stand guard against a large dam and a spillway that cracked into a million jagged pieces last winter. You may have seen it on your evening news. It's a new start in a new city. Which may be just the pill that I needed to get up and move on with life.


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## bandit.45

billbird2111 said:


> A job that I recently interviewed for may take me away from this city to *stand guard against a large dam and a spillway that cracked into a million jagged pieces last winter*. You may have seen it on your evening news. It's a new start in a new city. Which may be just the pill that I needed to get up and move on with life.


Wait...what? :surprise:

Did the dam burst already or is it fixing to burst? How much are they paying you?


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## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Wait...what? :surprise:
> 
> Did the dam burst already or is it fixing to burst? How much are they paying you?


The emergency runoff had been allowed to crumble if I remember correctly? Earth dam?


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## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> The emergency runoff had been allowed to crumble if I remember correctly? Earth dam?


You couldn't pay me enough to monitor a fractured dam. No way.


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## Canadian trouble

Did you see any evidence of her unfaithfulness before she told you? How did you respond to her when she told you? I only ask because this thread seems similar to my issues.


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## billbird2111

MattMatt said:


> The emergency runoff had been allowed to crumble if I remember correctly? Earth dam?


Well, that was the emergency spillway that had never been used. When it finally overflowed, engineers discovered the hillside holding the emergency spillway was eroding, so they turned the water back on the spillway that had busted into a million pieces and allowed the rush of water to gorge out a small canyon.

As it turns out, I didn't get that job. I was offered another job at the same agency, but I turned that one down. Instead, I found another opportunity outside of the downtown cesspool that held my previous life. I am making new friends now, eating lots of good food and drinking lots of very good wine. When you direct an agency like a county farm bureau, you get full access to all farms and the best food known to mankind.

Plus, you get paid. :wink2:


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## MattMatt

billbird2111 said:


> Well, that was the emergency spillway that had never been used. When it finally overflowed, engineers discovered the hillside holding the emergency spillway was eroding, so they turned the water back on the spillway that had busted into a million pieces and allowed the rush of water to gorge out a small canyon.
> 
> As it turns out, I didn't get that job. I was offered another job at the same agency, but I turned that one down. Instead, I found another opportunity outside of the downtown cesspool that held my previous life. I am making new friends now, eating lots of good food and drinking lots of very good wine. When you direct an agency like a county farm bureau, you get full access to all farms and the best food known to mankind.
> 
> Plus, you get paid. :wink2:


That's good news!

I like California though I have only visited the San Francisco Bay area a couple of times.


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## oldshirt

Canadian trouble said:


> Did you see any evidence of her unfaithfulness before she told you? How did you respond to her when she told you? I only ask because this thread seems similar to my issues.


I know this is an old, resurrected thread and an old post, but I just wanted to say that a sudden change in behavior that includes disrespect and hyper-criticism *IS* a hallmark sign of infidelity even if it is an indirect sign. 

When I read the first post, I immediately guessed that there was another man involved even though the OP did not come back to confirm it for another year. 

If someone starts becoming hyper-critical and always irritated with you and always seems to be short or angry with you for no apparent reason. It often is due to having feelings and desire for someone else. 

The irritation and criticism and anger will often show up long before any direct evidence or suspicious activity coming across txts or phone calls on a phone bill or emails or periods of unaccounted time etc etc.


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## BashfulB

This may be the saddest thread I've ever read.


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