# My Life Feels Shattered....How to Feel Better?



## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

I've been married to a good woman for 5-1/2 years; we have had more than our share of trials and tribulations since the beginning, in fact, before the start of our marriage.

I moved into her place after being on my own for 20+ years. She had a son who ended up with LOTS of baggage of his own. His dad was mentally and physically abusive to him and he basically was non-communicative and shutdown. He lived in the basement of her condo and the interaction between us, though I constantly tried to keep it going, was nil.

Just before we got married, my soon-to-be stepson came home crying one night saying he was in big trouble. Long story short, he's had kidney stones his whole life--in fact the night I met my wife was a night she came to our mutual friends' house from taking him to the ER for kidney stones. Well, he ended up getting a vicodin prescription from the ER every time. My wife is a nurse who worked for a doctor who asked her to take his prescription pad home to allow him to call her for patients' scripts. My stepson found this pad and for a year, wrote his own vicodin prescriptions.

He got caught and my wife was also charged--the authorities said he MUST have had help; that he couldn't do that all by himself at 19! She lost her job and pension of 23 years and we ended up in great debt due to lawyers fees, court costs, tons of other bills and living off of credit cards.

For the longest time, I had and still do in many respects feel like "2nd fiddle"--that my wife never truly put me first in her life as she was always enabling my stepson and mollycoddling him. I understand kids need help, but this was constantly too much for me.

I ended up being very hurt, angry and resentful and pulled away from her. In essence, I ended up not showing her any intimacy--I just couldn't bring myself to have sex with her--and so we went on.

Three years later, she's working a great job that requires her to be gone from home out-of-state most of the time and she's been home for the past month to try and work things out--at my request. I know that some folks may think she's seeing someone too--but I PROMISE I know she is not. She's just not that type of person (even though I am...).

She says she loves me--like a "friend"--but she just doesn't feel desire for me any more. I've gone through such a roller-coaster of emotions. I love my wife, want her back and would insure that I would do whatever I need to please her. 

She says that those three years of lack of intimacy--even though we hugged and kissed, we were more like brother-and-sister--that I wrecked what was for her, a perfect marriage.

Also, in the interim of her being gone all the time, I had an affair with a friend who was in a similar situation with a boyfriend who was gone all the time. She broke it off with him, but I started seeing her a year after that. Eventually, my wife found out and she tells me today that she's forgiven me for this--and I do believe her--but she just can't bring herself to want me or have sex with me any longer.

I called my lawyer yesterday and the paperwork is being drawn up as I type this. I feel so bad, so lost, so ruined, so tearful and unhappy. I woke up this morning and in the very first moments, I thought I'd had a bad dream and all was still ok. But then reality hit me and I felt all the weight and oppression of pure depression and grief.

I want my wife back, I want my life back, but I am going to get neither. What next? What do I think, do and feel? I am so hurt, lost and feel like I could be ready to cash it all in. I'm 55 and I don't want to start my life all over again--there's no time to get back to where I've been the past 8 years. I feel so bad, so depressed, so much like I've lost a big piece of my heart and my life.

Any thoughts, comments, help and advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading....


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry to say, I know its not what you want to hear, but the affair was probably the nail in the coffin.

You expected her to treat you better, put her son (sick) second, and you cheated on her, and expect her to just come right back? I'll be honest, I cant believe she's willing to attempt to work things out.

If you don't see this as a wake up call, to change, to do everything you can to save your marriage, to not have to start over, but to have the chance to reconnect on any level, im not sure anyone posting here is gonna be able to tell you what you want to hear.

Did she request a divorce, what papers are you drawing up? Is this you trying to control the situation? The only control you have right now, its you!! and it should be spent working on saving the marriage. If your busy calling your lawyer to have papers drawing up, guess what, your not fixing your marriage.

There is a lot of me me me coming thru your post. The only her I see, is that you want her back, but even that has a tint of IM UNHAPPY, not what you've done to her.

If she wants the divorce let her file it.

Sorry that prob comes off as harsh.

I wish you luck, but don't plan the end if your telling your wife you still want to work things out. Doesn't that send the wrong message again?


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Thanks for the honest feedback, Thumper. I can't argue or disagree with any of your points. Yes, I know the affair was so hurtful to her and so damaging to our marriage. I take full responsiblity for what I did and for how badly it affected us.

Not defending my position re: her stepson--when we started getting serious, she said she wanted him out of the house within a year or so. That turned into five years--many of which were spent where it was more or less a 2-on-1 feeling for me. Right, wrong or indifferent, that's just how it came across to me and felt to me. 

However, your point is taken about how this has woken me up and slapped me in the face back to reality. I am just afraid its too little too late.

Its not that she *requested* a divorce, its that she says she just doesn't "feel it" for me any more. She loves me, says she wants to be married with me, but that it would only be 'brother-&-sister' type of relationship. Neither of us want that--that's not a whole, complete relationship. So to that end, as we discussed this all yesterday, she agreed that calling the lawyer to get the paperwork started for an official divorce would be the right thing to do.

I've tried everything I can to fix the marriage--and she admits that I've gone above and beyond doing so, however, she has also said that she's tried to talk herself into wanting to be with me sexually again and its just not happening.

I have hurt her gravely over the years--shattered her self-esteem by not being there for her when she needed me. That was cruel of me to do and yes, having the affair on top of it, I know most folks will say I'm getting my just desserts. 

If it has to be that way, then it is as such, but....it doesn't take away the hurt and depression and sadness and lack-of-desire to live that I'm feeling right now. I know in a year, we'll both be so much better than where we both are now. But getting to that point is going to be so hard. THAT is what I'm looking for help with--how to deal with things now that the end is near--with no real hope of ever getting it back. That was my main purpose for writing and asking advice: How do I deal with all these horrible feelings coursing through me right now...?

Thanks again for the reply!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

ok, tyvm for explaining the divorce steps. I don't think its ever too late, maybe im just too positive. Until those papers are signed, you can still fix this, BUT, its gonna take a LOT of work.

First go get the book: Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late: Dr. Gary Smalley, Deborah Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley: 0020049055939: Amazon.com: Books

it has several tips that can help you deal with your situation. Maybe some of the other veteran TAM posters have some other ideas. First you need to LISTEN, second you need let her deal with this in her own way. So don't force the issue. Maybe visit the Coping with Infidelity forum and do some reading, get some perspective on what your wife is going thru, and even some posts on what you can do for yourself.

I wish you good luck in your journey of self awareness. I hope you get the resolution you seek. Good luck


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Thanks ever so much for the replies, help, feedback and suggestions, Thumper! All very good and very much appreciated. I'm sure I'll post again as events warrant it.


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Can anyone direct me to where "The 180" is on this site (or another site)? I think this could be very helpful to me...thank you in advance!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Thanks again very kindly, Thumper...


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Time is the only healer. I hope you and her can still be friends.


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## pfloyd75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Thanks, Indiecat...you are so very correct. I think back to past loves that I've lost and as bad as it felt then, it is absolutely nothing now--so eventually, even this elongated relationship will subside in its intensity of emotions. Its just getting to that point while I have to deal with my feeling and emotions NOW is what is the hard part.

But, I shall survive and this too shall pass! Thanks again!


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