# Ok men, need a guys perspective on how to proceed...



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

My girlfriend recently gave me the book "Why Men Love *****es" bc she feels that I have been a doormat for my husband for a long time. I am a nice girl (who is naughty in the bedroom), but for all intents and purposes here... I am a people pleaser. I love to cook wonderful meals, I go out of my way to help out and be where needed and have sex with my husband whenever he wishes. This has landed me in a marriage where I am in a different state commuting my kids to and from school (on the days they are with me), a husband who refuses to have sex with me almost every time I initiate, but was having it evertime he initiated (until recently when I stopped having sex period bc I couldnt trust that it was going to be mutual give and take). We always do what he wants etc... you get the point. The book is suggesting I not be available, not always answer a call or message from him, or if I do, say something like can I call you back Im in the middle of something... just appear not focused on him. Is this right? It feels so foreign to me to treat a man like that. My old boyfriends were nice guys and we were nice to each other, we had sex every day (morning and night lots of times), totally different.

The book suggests that doing this will start my husband guessing and that will pique his curiosity and interest. Essentially with my focus off him and our relationship, his interest will be on how to get me interested again. Is that right? Im not going to be interested in him if I have to continually play a game like this to get him back. 

Thanks in advance!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Recently I was given similar advice, because I've always been the pursuer in my marriage and my husband pushes away and distances whenever he feels like it.

Two sides to this for me so far:
1. It's difficult to withhold affection and care for him because it's against my nature, but he's hurt me and taken advantage of my over-zealous efforts too many times.
I've held back approaching him to "fix" the issues that are bugging me.
I'm always the "fixer," and that needs to change.
(I'm not going to let the issues go, mind you; we'll address them in therapy instead of me pleading with my hubs to talk to me)
2. But I feel better about mySELF.

I was told to read the "man up/nice guy" threads and apply it in reverse.

If you feel like you're giving yourself the respect you deserve thar you may not have been getting from him, that's a sign you're doing something right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

toolate said:


> My girlfriend recently gave me the book "Why Men Love *****es" bc she feels that I have been a doormat for my husband for a long time. I am a nice girl (who is naughty in the bedroom), but for all intents and purposes here... I am a people pleaser. I love to cook wonderful meals, I go out of my way to help out and be where needed and have sex with my husband whenever he wishes. This has landed me in a marriage where I am in a different state commuting my kids to and from school (on the days they are with me), a husband who refuses to have sex with me almost every time I initiate, but was having it evertime he initiated (until recently when I stopped having sex period bc I couldnt trust that it was going to be mutual give and take). We always do what he wants etc... you get the point. The book is suggesting I not be available, not always answer a call or message from him, or if I do, say something like can I call you back Im in the middle of something... just appear not focused on him. Is this right? It feels so foreign to me to treat a man like that. My old boyfriends were nice guys and we were nice to each other, we had sex every day (morning and night lots of times), totally different.
> 
> The book suggests that doing this will start my husband guessing and that will pique his curiosity and interest. Essentially with my focus off him and our relationship, his interest will be on how to get me interested again. Is that right? Im not going to be interested in him if I have to continually play a game like this to get him back.
> 
> Thanks in advance!


Add one thing to this - work on yourself. Focus on yourself. Don't just let the phone go to voice mail because your favorite TV show is on. Go to the gym and leave the phone in the locker. When you call him back tell him you didn't have your phone because you were working out. 

It doesn't have to be the gym - but find something you want to do and start doing it. Go out (lunch, safe/normal stuff) with friends. Visit family. Start taking music lessons. And just let the phone go until you are ready to talk.

You'll feel better about yourself - and the confidence will be attractive. And yes - it might just spook him a bit if he's used to you being SUPER available.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Don't think this has to do with a woman or man issue. I think that people are attracted to what they can't have or what is hard to get. 

My wife sometimes (too often) turns me down. But I think I want her more because she isn't easily available. Also, because she isn't easily available, I know I have to work at it. Helping around the house, setting a mood, being romantic, etc. 

If every time I wanted sex, she was there, I don't think I would want it as often. And I might not help out as much as I do. But don't tell her I said that!!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sam,

You sound like a nice guy.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Sam,
> 
> You sound like a nice guy.


Thanks ... I think ..... unless you are being facetious!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

SadSamIAm said:


> Thanks ... I think ..... unless you are being facetious!


No one really knows with him...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Thanks ... I think ..... unless you are being facetious!


I think he means a "Nice Guy"... someone who finishes last. There is a sticky thread in the Men's Clubhouse about Man Up and Nice Guy I think...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> No one really knows with him...


It isn't just me.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

He is correct then. I am too much of a nice guy. Something I am working on fixing.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> This has landed me in a marriage where I am in a different state commuting my kids to and from school (on the days they are with me)


How far is your commute? I am guessing 30+ minutes?

Why do you find such a marriage acceptable?

Look, I am not against one parent being a little far away. . .there are dozens of scenarios that can work out nicely - summers being the main one.

But why did you feel compelled to rearrange your (and your kids) lives aroudn this marginal husband?

I don't know. . .I am new at this too. . .divorced dating. . .but I think I would be thinking, "How can we successfully blend our families together and have a good marraige?"

On one hand, I do admire a woman who makes her marriage her first priority. It SHOULD be over kids. I know that's controversial to say but I do think it's true.

On the other hand, he doesn't sound that into it either. . .so what gives?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Based off my last post, I would suggest getting a temporary housing for like a month, like one of those extended stay places, or whatever and just see how you feel and he feels about you being gone.

See how you feel about being closer to your kids and more available for after-school stuff.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> Based off my last post, I would suggest getting a temporary housing for like a month, like one of those extended stay places, or whatever and just see how you feel and he feels about you being gone.
> 
> See how you feel about being closer to your kids and more available for after-school stuff.


It doesnt matter anymore, we are getting a divorce. He grabbed me by the hair and dragged me and hit tonight, not too long ago... Im terrified right now. He then called his mom screaming and blaming me for this not telling her what he did to me. He left a few minutes ago. Im relieved and sad... why am I sad at all over this? It really makes it clear how he feels about women. He then put me on the phone with his mom and she yelled what are you doing to my son! She is crazier than he is and that is why his ex fiance left him... although he tells the story that she cheated on him so that he can feel better about himself. SHe didnt cheat on him. He slandered her to his family to get their pity? I guess and now he is slandering me. I feel sick to my stomach right now and very isolated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Booze involved?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Conrad said:


> Booze involved?


Yes. After letting it sink in a bit and praying over it I realized why I wasnt calling anyone for help... we both were at fault. I let his back turned to me in bed and saying he wanted a divorce get the better of me and I let myself get carried away. I have since apologized and taken full responsibility for my actions. He still says his was a reaction but I simply replied, whether it was a reaction or not, it is still your action and yours to own.

Now we are back to the same old him turning his back to me, but getting me coffee in the morning, no kisses, but he offered to have sex with me last night after not touching me or letting me touch him for over a week. Its so confusing, but apparently minding myself and saying no to him until he treats me the way I deserve to be treated is the way to go. I just dont see this approach working unless he decides to grow up, separate from mom (to whom he still runs and holds as number 1 in his life... he is 37).

My horoscope said that I have somone in my life who grew up with sad circumstances and repreats them bc they are comfortable and today I have an opportunity to show that person a happier way to live...! Wow, that was no lie, how does the general newspaper astrologer hit the nail on the head like that? My husband's horoscope says that there is someone in his life who genuinely loves him and he is shut off and today will be a chance for him to feel respected, appreciated and adored. Got that one too I guess, if I can supress my resentment at our overall situation. I fortunately and unfortunately have this amazing capacity to love others and forgive... but its like Moses in the kids movie Prince of Egypt... when he would get so upset with what God was showing him he needed to do... why me?! I feel the same way sometimes and then I take a big gulp and plow ahead. I hope its not just teaching my husband he can get away with sh!t


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> How far is your commute? I am guessing 30+ minutes?
> 
> Why do you find such a marriage acceptable?
> 
> ...



In non traffic, its about 20-25 minutes. In traffic with the construction going on... 1-1.5 hrs. He wouldnt move further than a 30 minute commute to work, he was willing to end our relationship on that (makes me feel real wanted). When we are good (which has been almost 2 years since) we are really good... the kind of couple that others want to be like. We communicate well, we have great sex (amazing sex), we do fun things together. Its just since we got married he has had this wall up and control thing going on like things arent his way enough... I want back the man I feel in love with, but Im not waiting forever. He says he doesnt want to live his life in turmoil, so I said, then dont create turmoil in your life... you are choosing to feel that way and act in a way that brings you negative interactions. I tell him I dont want to live everyday wondering "am I going to be kissed today? or said hello to?" Living paycheck to paycheck is getting closer to being the better option at this point. I didnt marry him for money, I had the money (its all in our house now). I married for the sex Now Im not getting any...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Toolate,

I am going to suggest something here and I am not a Psychobabblist, nor do I pretend to be one.

But you seem kind of "needy" for affection and sex to somehow validate you. . .it only validates the marriage, not you. (although I know it feels that way)

Here it was he dragged you by your hair the other day and hit you and okay, maybe he didn't beat you to a bloody pulp but that does qualify as domestic violence and then you are back saying, "I want his affection and he's great in bed."

I'm going to use "humor" as always to make this point.

I am reminded of an old Sat. Night LIve Skit where they parodied Phil Donahue.

In true bleeding heart liberal format, Phil is interviewing (I think Mary Gross) this woman. He's on teh steps of the stage and he's looking up at her.

PHIL: So. . .this man beats you. *Mary sobs*. He spits on you *Mary sobs* He called you scum of the earth *Mary sobs*. He took your money *Mary Sobs*. (Phil Donahue is now slumping on the stage). He spent your money on *****s. *Mary is sobbing and nodding*. He burnt your house to the ground *Mary is acknowledging this as true*.

Whhyyyyyyy do you stay with him?

MARY *all of the sudden looking cheerful*: Well, Phil, it's because you don't know him. . .he's really a nice puppy dog deep down. If people just got to know him, you'd see.

*Audience is laughing*

Please dont' be one of those women that talk show hosts interview. 

Probably every nice guy around you too has a crush on you. I'd lay a 10 to 1 bet on it, since you were 15 years old.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

toolate said:


> After letting it sink in a bit and praying over it I realized why I wasnt calling anyone for help... we both were at fault.


One of the few real hard and fast rules in life:

MEN NEVER HIT WOMEN.

No grey area. No discussion about fault. As a man, you don't hit a woman.

And no hair pulling either.

If you were considering ending this marriage before, his actions should have made this decision easier for you.

I am sorry, but please don't make excuses for him.

Good luck - you are too good to be dealing this kind of stuff.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> One of the few real hard and fast rules in life:
> 
> MEN NEVER HIT WOMEN.
> 
> ...


He is threatening that he will get my kids taken away from me and he hopes I rot in Maryland, where I came from. You and Scannerguard are right. When he threatened to take the kids away, again, I told him that my kids dad told me to tell him to take his fing head out of his ass bc its not going to happen. His response... well Im going to send him an email explaining how he can. I said go right ahead, that is your choice. There are no grounds for taking the kids away, and in fact, Im more at risk for losing the kids staying with you. The past year and a half has shown me that he is truly only happy when he is putting down the ones closest to him outside his family of origin. They saw nits of it last week and were appalled at the tiny glimpse they had. I think the marriage counselor was right after all, he does have a mental illness and its very sad. There is no reconciling his version of reality with what is really happening and he lost the first of his life for the same reason, but he tells himself and his friends and family that she was a b!tch who cheated on him and left him for another man. It is simply not true, but he has convinced his mind it is, and nobody can show him otherwise even with proof.

Yes, scannerguard, there are nice guys who like me and I used to have relationships with nice guys until the 2 aggressive types I married and I really look forward to meeting, someday, another nice guy, I do not need any more drama in my life... calm days ahead looks blissful to me. My husband reverted back to the nice guy for 3 days after his dad died last week, and then his other self came back out in full glory yesterday again and there is no stopping it. He is on a mission to destroy me as he says, and nothing will deter him. hwta he doesnt realize is he will only destroy himself in the process.


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