# Loneliness



## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

Anyone have any good ideas about how to get past the pain of loneliness when it feels like it's going to kill you? My husband left a few nights ago and I drank the first two to get past the horror (it's a long story, like they all are, but we had just moved in to a new place together for a fresh start and he bolted 2 weeks later). We had already been through a separation and his affair and we got back together for a few months and then BAM, out of the blue, he's gone again. I'm entirely alone. I live in his native country and have not one friend here. And my loneliness is so crushing right now, I have no idea how to get through. I haven't found a therapist yet who takes our insurance so I don't even have that lined up yet. I haven't slept in 3 nights. He's coming to spend the night tomorrow, but after that I have no idea what's going to happen. And if I thought I could make it through without seeing him, I wouldn't put myself through it. But I'm just so lonely. Any hints for getting past that? Last year I used to watch you tube all night, but right now we only have internet with a usb stick and after using it for about an hour they take the bandwidth down and it doesn't have enough power to play videos. ... Thanks for reading this.

BTW, he says that he does want to get back together eventually. I think he actually does. Right now he's not able to handle my mental and emotional issues and I'm totally dependent on him and he couldn't handle it. This other person has a life and a lot of friends and they work together and....well, you all know how it goes. He wants me to be like I used to be. But I can't when he does this.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay, let me get this straight... He had an affair. You tried reconciliation. He moved you to another country where you have no friends or support system. He walks out on you 2 weeks ago out of the blue. He hasn't been there since. He's coming home tomorrow for whatever reason for one night.

But then he's leaving for the OW again because he can't handle your mental status.

Okay. That sounds fair.....



WTF??!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

He admits that it isn't fair. There's no way for me to say any of this that doesn't sound - I don't even know, there's nothing ok about it. He doesn't want a divorce. I know he's just having it both ways, but I'm the one getting abandoned. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love him with all my heart. He's my only relationship. We've been together 10 1/2 years. He says he just wants to take a break. But we tried that. We've been back together 3 months up until he left a few days ago. But apparently he decided he was probably going to leave about a week after we got to this apartment. I've had a couple nervous breakdowns. I know that I'm too emotional and I also have PTSD so that makes me hard to be around sometimes. But he said that up until we moved he wanted to be with me again. Then I guess I was unbearable enough to make him not want to be with me. I can't even write it because I see what it looks like when I write/read it. The loneliness I feel right now is sucking the air out of me. I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted. I miss him so much. Even if that makes me stupid....I can't help it. I really miss him. We had been getting along very well. I don't know. I just wish I could stop feeling this intense pain so that I could function.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

I can see for myself that I'm ridiculous. But even knowing that, I can't stop my feelings. According to him I'm too extreme. But that isn't all the time. Not at all. He just can't handle it at all now....


I know love isn't supposed to hurt. Most of the time he makes me so happy. So happy. So when this happened and is happening, I just can't get a handle. If I'm getting hurt this bad I know it's not healthy (the relationship). But when it's good it's amazing. I just wish I could get past these feelings and get better. I'm looking for counseling.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Time heals all wounds...it is that simple...no magic pills...just time...take deep breaths, go for walks, watch children play, pet a dog & etc...get out of your mind...focus on something else other than your cheating husband...stop talking so passively, you are a worthy person with interests in life...live YOUR life for you now...be the independent person you know you are capable of...


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

When this first happened, I fell apart very badly. Now that I've read a lot about cheating, I did everything pretty much wrong to 'keep him'. And somehow we did end up getting back together even though it ended up being just for a short time. I've let myself get so isolated that he's all I've got. I had a volunteer job for almost 4 years here, but lost that when I got sick (unrelated to and before his affair). He and our two cats are my whole life. I don't know if this is tough love or if he really is just .... I don't know. Because he says he doesn't want to lose me and can't accept that he could lose me (for example I said I would move back to the US and we'd get divorced and he doesn't want that). I know it's up to me. But I can actually picture myself sitting back in the US with almost nothing to start a new life over with and how much I'll miss him and I know that I'll tell myself then that I should have stayed no matter how hard it was. I can tell that something is wrong with me. But I wasn't always like this. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I need help. I know he won't save me. He wants me to save myself. But I just wish he'd be there for me. Is it possible to really love someone and not stand by them? Don't answer that. It already makes me cry.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

SL... I'm sorry to say it but you're being used. You're the back up plan for his life. He's going out and eating cake, purposely isolating you and claiming he doesn't want to lose you?!! There's a thing in this world called "evil". I think you found it.

Research co-dependant and see if that doesn't ring a bell with you. And then do something about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

You are love sick..and that is a virus.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

Every time I start to write my reply I see how much it just sounds like excuses. It would be just as hard, but in different ways to go back where I came from. I guess I keep thinking that if I hang in there long enough it will happen for real. But again when I write that it scares me to read it because of how impossible that seems. He's the only relationship I've ever had. Which is odd if I tell my age. But that's from some mental difficulties that kept me from getting into a relationship....I thought I found the real thing. I really did. And maybe I have trouble accepting that I could be so wrong. I messed up so badly. And I don't know if this can be fixed. And accepting it's over hurts so much. I know that no one would tell me to stay. I wouldn't say that to someone else if I read this mess. But to give up and walk away hurts so bad...I just want to try to get better and see if he really does come back. He said he would. (I know. I know).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

so lonely said:


> *I can see for myself that I'm ridiculous.* But even knowing that, I can't stop my feelings. According to him I'm too extreme. But that isn't all the time. Not at all. He just can't handle it at all now....
> 
> 
> I know love isn't supposed to hurt. Most of the time he makes me so happy. So happy. So when this happened and is happening, I just can't get a handle. If I'm getting hurt this bad I know it's not healthy (the relationship). But when it's good it's amazing. I just wish I could get past these feelings and get better. I'm looking for counseling.


You are not ridiculous! You are hurting.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

I appreciate the replies. I did look up codependent and I have every sign other than 2 on the page I opened.  Part of me does feel bad for him because I know that I'm sometimes not easy. But I usually really am trying so hard to please him and not make a mistake... I feel almost now like I could sleep. I haven't slept in days. I know he's responsible for his behavior, but I feel like I drove him to it in a way. And that's exactly what I need help for. I know I can maybe get better and it will take time. But knowing that if I hadn't become progressively more mentally ill, he and I most likely would be together still. He says he wants me to be the way I was. I guess that's why I have hope. But it will take so long....by then, he will most likely be long gone in my world. But if I let it happen, I'll just be waiting. I can't let that happen. ... Thank you again for the replies. I might get an hour or two of sleep now. That would be a blessing.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

If you got back to the U.S. do you have family that would support you and help you ? Or would you just be out in the streets here as well ?

If so, though easier said then done. Sell off everything and get the fvck home to a place that will support you. 

As far as what your feeling it is completely normal. I went through it myself. I panicked over paying the dam bills. I mean I was crying about how am going to pay these bills. Not that I didn't have the money. That I felt so helpless. It's retarded I know. It's your mind playing tricks on you. 

But right now you need to get out of there. You need support. You need to be in a place your comfortable and understand what is going on around you. A place your familiar with. 

Again I can retire from my job and start a new one. But I need the stability right now. I need to keep everything as normal as possible while I go through this. If I had a new job I would have lost that job by now. 

So what can you do about going back home is it possible and worth doing ?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

The loneliness sucks. And it doesn't get better but somehow you learn to live with it. I'm sorry. I'm also away from original support network and that is so hard at a time like this.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry for your loneliness, that kind of isolation is not good for anyone. It's almost like a tactic used on prisoners to make them break. 

Do you have access to money? Do you know where the US consulate or embassy is located? You are effectively a prisoner. 

Are you in an english speaking country? In europe? Do you have a phone? Relatives in the US?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

She's in Germany. 


OP, I was in a similar situation. My STBXW dumped me for her OM and effectively stranded me in her country (we have kids together). I have no family here and very few friends here. I felt as lovesick and hurt as you did - the isolation compounds the pain of being left. Your head is throbbing and you're running on empty. 

My advice: Go back to the States. IMMEDIATELY. Don't even tell him you are going - he will try and stop you. Screw that SOB he does not love you. Trust me when I say this. You will wait around trying to reconcile and he will F with your head. You need the love and support of friends and family. Since you don't have kids and you just moved to Germany, I am guessing you can divorce in the USA if you go back to the state where you had residency. Go back there. File for divorce. It's a few hundred bucks and it can always be stopped later but I do not think you want to be with this jerk. I still have feelings for my wife but 6 months down the road I have lost a lot of them because I've realized only a selfish wayward person could leave their long-term partner in a foreign country. Even if they have a lot of great qualities, they fail the integrity test. 

Your H does not respect you, I'm sorry to say. I don't think he respects himself - he's acting on selfish impulses. Leave this man, please.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

First, thank you all for your responses. Thank you to Stay Strong for recommending just using one thread. I picked the wrong one to look at and somehow I guess all the replies that I missed got spammed going to me regular email. I will stick to this thread from now on. 

I've been going downhill fast today. Someone who's screen name I can't remember right now and I'm sorry for that, said in this (?) thread that "there is evil out there and I think you found it". 

At this moment, these boards are my only outlet. Every response is appreciated. I have to get some strength somewhere. He called as he said he would today (agreed on time), but it's clear that he's going to lie up until the end. "Just give me two months". When I say I know we're over, he says, "I don't know that. That's not what I feel..." and on and on. ANYONE WHO HAS EVER KNOWN SOMEONE LIKE THIS, please, please keep reminding me that he doesn't mean what he's saying. I know he doesn't. But I need reinforcement. I realize when I read what I write that I sound like a flake. And I go back and try to fix it. But I've been living with a stranger for 10 1/2 years, half that time in isolation in his home country. I don't communicate well anymore. I'm going to a doctor tomorrow and I want to end this.....everyone please remind me what I want to know. Love doesn't hurt. Thank you for reading even if you don't have anything to say. I see the number of times this has been read and at least my words don't go unheard. Thank you.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Sorry for your loneliness, that kind of isolation is not good for anyone. It's almost like a tactic used on prisoners to make them break.
> 
> Do you have access to money? Do you know where the US consulate or embassy is located? You are effectively a prisoner.
> 
> Are you in an english speaking country? In europe? Do you have a phone? Relatives in the US?


Interestingly enough, I told him he should get a job working for "fill in the blank" at "fill in the blank" because he could make good money for his psychological torture skills. Most likely he took that as a compliment. ... I have money, but only through him. And he won't cut that off. I know I sound stupid to say that considering everything. But he won't. I can speak here well enough (German) that people get my point (I passed the minimum required test) and I can read ok, but my fluency is not on a level that's good enough to even work. My relatives can only help fly me back to the States. They can't support me and thanks to my already existing before I met him financial problems and then 10 1/2 years with him and I have no work experience, no degree, no nothing. I have nothing to build on. It's my own fault. He lied to me not once, not twice, but three times. This is the 4th. And I, like the boy who cried wolf said I would leave. I hit my breaking point now because I do still love him, but I'm more afraid of him than in love with him now....and that wasn't the question. Sorry for rambling. I'm just not doing so good right now. Bottom line. Something's got to change. I'm trying to hang on until tomorrow when I get to the doctor and maybe they can at least give me something to help me sleep.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> SL... I'm sorry to say it but you're being used. You're the back up plan for his life. He's going out and eating cake, purposely isolating you and claiming he doesn't want to lose you?!! There's a thing in this world called "evil". I think you found it.
> 
> Research co-dependant and see if that doesn't ring a bell with you. And then do something about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There it is, "Dig" said it. You are also the one who told me to research co-dependent. I did and at first I thought that was me. But then it went deeper. There's some stuff I can't say on a public forum, but I'm not sure I meet the criteria because before a specific incedent in my life, I wouldn't have met the criteria and I was just over 18...anyway.... I was just glad to find this comment again because I knew it was there. I remembered it specifically. Thank you, btw.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm sorry for your pain. But you deserve much better. You deserve a man who loves you and treats you like the woman you are. Not this as*hole.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> If you got back to the U.S. do you have family that would support you and help you ? Or would you just be out in the streets here as well ?
> 
> If so, though easier said then done. Sell off everything and get the fvck home to a place that will support you.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure if it's ok to answer the same question twice, but since it is asked more than once, my family can only help me go back. They can't support me financially. And I am virtually unemployable due to my lack of education (my fault) and my almost non-existent work history (again, my fault). I'm already 44 years old. It's not like I can pick up and start over. And I have a severe anxiety disorder now on top of severe depression and now to top it all off, self-medication. I need stability, but every ground I stand on is shaky. I did find out that I can collect disability here as long as the doctor says I'm mentally disabled. It's not easy, but possible. I know I'm mentally disabled, but it's not a fun way to get money. But I've tried placing ads for dog walking, babysitting, etc. And I get nothing. And I also have tried going out to get a service job and I got declined because I'm not fast enough with the language.... I. am. in. hell.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

michzz said:


> Far of being alone makes people humiliate themselves.
> 
> One day, hopefully soon you will realize that alone is far better than being with someone who just uses you for a fallback position.
> 
> ...


I was alone until I was 33 years old. That's a story to itself. And it sounds incredible, but it's true...there's background from my childhood and from another experience when I was an older teenager, but before I met him, I never once felt lonely. One of the worst parts of all this is that he knows all about it. And yet there he goes..... Humiliation doesn't begin to cover it. I know I'm "Plan B". I'm not even that. Because he's not coming back. I just can't believe I let my life get so far out of control. 
Thanks for replying. I read these all before (although not when they came through), but I'm just now writing back. And I don't know if I should write back to every reply, but right now every one is a lifeline...and my mind is not on him...for once.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You are not ridiculous! You are hurting.


Thank you. And thanks for your reply to another thread I wrote. I've already learned to just stick to one thread. But you wrote something nice on another one...thank you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

so lonely said:


> There it is, "Dig" said it. You are also the one who told me to research co-dependent. I did and at first I thought that was me. But then it went deeper. There's some stuff I can't say on a public forum, but I'm not sure I meet the criteria because before a specific incedent in my life, I wouldn't have met the criteria and I was just over 18...anyway.... I was just glad to find this comment again because I knew it was there. I remembered it specifically. Thank you, btw.


You're welcome and as for the co-dependent stuff, I mostly wanted for you to research it so you could see how eerily close to that you were sounding. Obviously, I don't know your real life so I hope I didn't come off as saying "this is you" kind of thing. If I did, I apologize.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm sorry for your pain. But you deserve much better. You deserve a man who loves you and treats you like the woman you are. Not this as*hole.


Part of me knows and believes that. Sadly for me, this person is my one and only and I thought I was so careful with myself...none of that is important now because I let things go so far. The biggest part of me is just an obliterated pile of nothing trying to scrape itself up and get help (and while I never used those kinds of terms to describe myself to him...I've basically let him know that). 

Thank you for what you wrote.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

staystrong said:


> She's in Germany.
> 
> 
> OP, I was in a similar situation. My STBXW dumped me for her OM and effectively stranded me in her country (we have kids together). I have no family here and very few friends here. I felt as lovesick and hurt as you did - the isolation compounds the pain of being left. Your head is throbbing and you're running on empty.
> ...


I remembered your name, but did not reply directly to what you wrote...everything you mentioned I have no choice but to admit that you're right. ... What's really sick is that he lived in the US for almost 20 years and did not want to come back. He's an only child, his parents are older and we came back for them. He admittedly can't stand Germans (ha), but said that one of the things that - oh never mind. For god's sake. You are right. I will go back if I can, but if I can't, I'm making sure to find a way to at least get some money (freedom) of my own. 

Thank you and I'm very sorry this happened to you too.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Do you have a shared bank account? Do you have access to any accounts?

You need to make a major withdrawal NOW. Take only 50% if you don't feel right taking more. Look, I'm telling you to forget this person (yes, he's lying to you) and start focusing on yourself. What can I tell you to make you do this? How about this: it's the only chance he'd ever come back to you. Showing him you don't need him. Whatever it takes, I think you need separate yourself from this person and get grounded. It's just going to become harder as his sympathy fades. You need get that money out and get back to the US. 

That's my advice, take it or leave it. I know it sounds urgent, and that's because it is. 

You are at a major disadvantage over there. Trust me, I know. Please go back to the US and consider filing there.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> You're welcome and as for the co-dependent stuff, I mostly wanted for you to research it so you could see how eerily close to that you were sounding. Obviously, I don't know your real life so I hope I didn't come off as saying "this is you" kind of thing. If I did, I apologize.


Hi Dig (if it's ok to abbreviate). ... The very first website I found when I looked up codependent described me almost to a 't' (a few exceptions). But I actually went and read more and I don't know since I'm not a doctor, but a lot of the symptoms I have they don't consider if it happens after a certain age (that of course I read more than one age.).. I remember how I was before an incident in my life that was long before my ????h?, but regardless...I actually DO fit that behavior in many ways. Like you said, eerily so. I appreciate what you wrote because it was one of the first things to get me thinking and actually one of the catalysts to make me call the doctor. I haven't been to a doctor for anything since 2003. No joke.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Do you have a shared bank account? Do you have access to any accounts?
> 
> You need to make a major withdrawal NOW. Take only 50% if you don't feel right taking more. Look, I'm telling you to forget this person (yes, he's lying to you) and start focusing on yourself. What can I tell you to make you do this? How about this: it's the only chance he'd ever come back to you. Showing him you don't need him. Whatever it takes, I think you need separate yourself from this person and get grounded. It's just going to become harder as his sympathy fades. You need get that money out and get back to the US.
> 
> ...


I have a stash of euros. I have no idea what's in our (yes it's joint) bank account. I can find out, but it will only depress me. He gave me 200 euros that I've held on to, I kid you not, for years. He has no money of his own, his parents help us all the time. That's a whole other story. His father would never let me down, but I love him WAAAY too much to make him suffer more than he has because of...anyway. I know it's supposed to be a good idea to tell parents, but his parents both have had very hard lives and his father in particular would quite possibly not make it if he knows about this. This is the kind of thing he knows makes me stay. He meaning my (whatever he is) husband. We're legally married but he left me so I don't know what to call him. ... Sorry for the late replies, I am on a usb stick that is slow to load.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

so lonely said:


> Hi Dig (if it's ok to abbreviate). ... The very first website I found when I looked up codependent described me almost to a 't' (a few exceptions). But I actually went and read more and I don't know since I'm not a doctor, but a lot of the symptoms I have they don't consider if it happens after a certain age (that of course I read more than one age.).. I remember how I was before an incident in my life that was long before my ????h?, but regardless...I actually DO fit that behavior in many ways. Like you said, eerily so. I appreciate what you wrote because it was one of the first things to get me thinking and actually one of the catalysts to make me call the doctor. I haven't been to a doctor for anything since 2003. No joke.


I'm glad to hear that you have an appointment set up. Take care of YOU! Oh, and absolutely call me Dig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

It looks like you are getting a lot of good advice. I'm so sorry for your pain, I can feel it oozing through the monitor.

One thing that helped me when I was in your situation is making plans. You've got a tiny one started, that being 'investigate getting back to the States'. you need to take it further than that. 

make plans for:

- if you do make it back to the US and are going to file for divorce
- if you do make it back to the US and you're not immediately filing for divorce
-if you can't get out of Germany, and are going to move out and separate
-if you can't get out of Germany, and are going to stay and bide your time while you prepare your exodus


etc, etc. Making these plans will help you dig yourself out of your pit of misery, as well as keep you focused on a topic instead of just letting your anxiety take over.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I'm glad to hear that you have an appointment set up. Take care of YOU! Oh, and absolutely call me Dig.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you say that I think of something that, if I write it and it makes no sense, so be it...but if it makes sense...

Dig, bury me 
underneath
everything that I am
....

anyway, that's from a song if you don't know...and that song used to give me strength. i can't even listen to music now.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

raging_pain said:


> It looks like you are getting a lot of good advice. I'm so sorry for your pain, I can feel it oozing through the monitor.
> 
> One thing that helped me when I was in your situation is making plans. You've got a tiny one started, that being 'investigate getting back to the States'. you need to take it further than that.
> 
> ...



Hi...thanks for your reply. He already left. So my situation out of those you presented is the last one. I'm going to a doctor tomorrow. I'm going to maybe file for disability here..it's a long story and it's for my cats and I don't want to write it all because they mean so much to me and everyone even including my vegan friends tells me to leave them - I won't. They got me through the first few rounds of this. I can't abandon them. I can go to the doc tomorrow and figure out a plan. I have one friend I knew from this city who moved to another EU city (she's also American) and we're back in contact. I'm taking steps.... Thank you to all of you even if I don't write back directly. I'm reading. I'm on a usb stick that gets slow sometimes... Thank you.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

One question I want to ask, and this is where I would normally want to start a new thread, but seriously, how do you share experiences (some intimate and others not) that are firsts and it means everything to one of the partners and nothing to the other? Now I'm crying again. I had stopped earlier. How is that possible? I guess there's no answer. Why are there two different kinds of people in the world and the wrong ones seem to come together?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Okay, you are a blubbering mess. Many of us have been there. Hang on, allright?

The cats... 

Can't the cats make the trip back if they made the trip there? I'm not following you on that one.

The bank accounts...

Whatever is there, take half of it shortly before you leave. 


The 200 euros...

Okay, either you guys don't make much money at all or you are being controlled and psychologically abused by this man. 

The in-laws...

Blood is thicker than water. You can send your apologies from the other side of the pond.

I understand you are in bad shape. How much sleep are you getting?

PS - Don't let your H ever see your posts here in case he comes by the house!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

My name comes from 2 songs. Someday by John Legend and Dig by Incubus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> My name comes from 2 songs. Someday by John Legend and Dig by Incubus.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. I can look that up. I was thinking "Dig" by Mudvayne. I like ALL kinds of music though so if you listen to that song (not that you would, but) it will give you an idea. I know Incubus, just not by song name....


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Okay, you are a blubbering mess. Many of us have been there. Hang on, allright?
> 
> The cats...
> 
> ...


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

\


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

Hey

Take a deep breath

Now take another

Pause breathing for as long as your two deep breaths were

Repeat



You are caught in a spiral and have no one to lean on except the internet. It is a very painful spot to be in. Nevertheless YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Your anger is powerful, USE IT. Use it to maintain your sanity. Use it to keep your head on your shoulders.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

I'm still here. I'm still alive. Going to the doctor in about 11 hours so it will be a long day waiting to get through. And I'm almost too weak to stand up, much less make the long trip (tram and train) to their office. Thank you all for your replies.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

Thank God for the doctor appointment later. I only have to hold on for about 6 more hours now. But it's a good thing I'm going. This will be the first step toward getting better. Because I'm backsliding very badly today. I put my ring back on. I couldn't bear to see my hands every so often, just coincidentally, and it's not there. It's too much for me right now. All the momentum I was building up yesterday is slipping away....I think to myself, "maybe it's not too late", "maybe he really will come back" and things like that that I know aren't true, but I keep doing it. I know I'm not the only one living through this. I know I'm not alone. But the loss of the only love I've ever had....and you guys can all relate. It's not that he passed away or anything, he left me. The love didn't die, it was ripped away. If it was ever there to begin with. That's hard too. To question just everything. I don't have my feet on the ground, but that's what the doctor is for. I don't even know what I'll say. I'm going to be crying so much I don't know if I'll be able to get it all out. This is just a long rambling mess so I'll post it now. But I'm too weak to go out and do anything and I can barely get out of bed so all I can do is post and wait. I'm kind of starting to be scared of, what if I can't be helped? A person is like anything else...any living or non-living thing really can get damaged so badly that it can't be fixed. I know I'll never be the same, but what if I'm really never ok? That scares me. And it's a possibility. It's too bad that the person I gave my heart to played with my heart and mind so badly. Thanks to this, I'm worse than ever. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

Oh, and I do want him to be happy. If he's not happy with me, he should go. But this was handled so badly. It makes it impossible for me to just let him go with goodwill and hoping for his happiness with that person. Maybe with someone else, but this one is someone I knew who talked to me in private about our (my husband and my) problems after she was already screwing him and I didn't know. And she took the ball and ran. And he knows this!!!!! And that's where he is right now. So I just can't wish them well. But if I'm such a bad part of his life that he wants to get away this much, he should go no matter what it does to me. Sorry, just getting my thoughts out there. Keeping them inside is eating me up.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

This is something that has to be worked out in therapy, but one of the many issues that I just can't wrap my brain around is how he can be un-attracted to me as a person because I became so dependent on him (which is not fair to him, but it happened through illness, isolation and a language barrier all of which he is aware) and yet he says this other person is more attractive as a person....this person talked to me in confidence after she was already screwing him and I didn't know. She listened to me tell her how worried I was about his drinking, my at the time drinking, our relationship...and she took that and ran. If he's not lying about this, he says that he did confront her with that and she says she doesn't remember it. He may not have confronted her at all, I don't care. But if that's the kind of person he wants...I mean, really? He says she's got so much going in the personality department that it makes up for physical appearance, which is fine, but what the hell kind of personality is THAT? Ok. Anyway...there's probably not enough therapy in the world to fix me so I think the best I can hope for is to just get to a point where I can function. How many of you live like that? Is it as sad a life as it sounds? It sounds sad to me.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

The doctor appointment did not turn out the way I'd hoped. But it's just the universe telling me the same thing everyone else is and myself too. 

I told her everything, the not sleeping, not eating, not exercising anymore, the anxiety, the actual situation that's causing it. 

I left with prescription strenght st. john's wort that may or may not help in a few weeks. And with a referral to a therapist that may or may not be able to get me in in a few weeks. 

I had been counting on coming out of there with something for my anxiety and not sleeping. Not counting on that getting me back together with that person, but to get me through a critical time. I don't even have the strength to do what I need to do to get out of here. The physical strength, I mean. I have to find homes for cats who most likely will get passed off from family to family their whole lives because they're "not normal" either. I have to .... never mind the list. I can't do all this when I can't even get up out of bed to brush my teeth until 3:00pm. 

St. John's Wort. Really. Ok.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Go see another doctor if you feel this medicine is not right for you.

Part of the reason you feel so down is because you have no control right now. You need to own your actions, beyond doing treatment such as therapy and meds. You are going to make yourself miserable until you feel more respect for yourself. That's why I suggest leaving for the US. 

Do not get hung up about the injustice of it all. They know what they are doing - it's not like you pointing out how wrong it is will make them change their minds. I know it's hard to accept, but please realize you have been wronged badly by these two people. To be blunt you were probably complicit in some way by giving out your trust too easily. This comes from someone who has done that.


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## so lonely (Feb 9, 2013)

Before I start this comment, thank you So Strong for your last reply. 

It's been bad lately. I had a very honest talk with my mother about the life that I'll have waiting for me in the US and it's not pretty. I'm going to be a social case. There's no other way. The situation here is still ripping me to pieces and there's not a whole lot for me here either, but if after all of this I have to end up being a social case.....that is just too much failure for me to face right now. I know I'm not thinking clearly. I still don't sleep. There was a lot of chaos coming from two apartments next to where I live all weekend. I'm aware on some level that I'm not being rational. So we're going back to the doctor this afternoon and I'm taking the referral for the psychiatrist and until then I just have to keep somehow getting through. I manage to make myself eat and do a little exercise, but the pain I feel inside just gets worse. It's weird because I know when people see me I don't look happy and I look tired, but they have no idea how bad it really is. And yes, So Strong it is most definitely partly my fault. Not the first time, not at all, but each subsequent time it most definitely is and maybe that's why I'm in such bad shape now. Now, I can't even just blame them and them alone. I get to think about how I partly did this to myself. But anyway, all I can do right now is try to get psychiatric care and get something to zone me out enough to start getting on with life. ... Well, guess who called right in the middle of this. Anyway, I know other people out there who have kids get betrayed way worse than me, worse than what's happened to me. It just sucks to know that my life is one of the most effed up situations out there. All I can do is hope that a psychiatrist can help somehow. ...


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

No shame in being a social case, in being helpd and treated. Do you look down at others who receive social services when they are in need?

I bet your fear of what you'd feel is much greater than what you'd feel.

Keep blaming them. Don't turn this on yourself - no one deserves to be cheated on. My point was not you were doing something wrong per se. You were doing what people do when they expect their loved ones do behave in a good way. It's just life experience. You only learn once you've been burned.


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