# Very needy wife.



## Itslikethat (Jul 21, 2009)

As the description says. I have a very needy wife... or do i?

I have tried to post before but i get afraid i will word it wrong or go super long winded. Anyhoo here goes.

My wife seems to need constant attention. Eg, i work nights and hardly ever get down time in the week. I get up, say hello to my wife and 2 kids, make a coffee and sit down on the computer for a bit. I then head off with the dog before spending the rest of the evening before work sat with my wife. Normally cuddled on the sofa. Sound ok? Drives my wife insane.

She has a low opinion of herself and doesn't believe i love her. I come from a thick skinned family, i have said hurtful things in arguments which i now avoid but.. they are there... poised for the next minor hiccup to turn her into full rage mode. NO amount of nice words work but ONE bad work will be held against me till death.

The needy argumentative wife is there every day. I can go to work after sex and a relaxing evening to come home to a full on rage from 'being kept awake thinking about us'. I did nothing but work all night.

I am less outgoing than her and a bit assed at the weekend. We do go out as a family but its less than she would like. I like shopping, then a takeaway and tv after the kids are in bed. No big deal there although it does cause friction. BUT should i DARE go away myself of a weekend. Quotes, "stuck in the house all week", "don't give a s**t about us" etc. I do... but all i do is work and the rest i'm at home. If i pop in my pre come home bar i'm ogling other women. It's just for a half as i'm driving. 

"I want other women and will find one better and leave". I should stop and fill in later. 

These are not the words of a woman that want's to go... i don't think. It seems like i can't do right. I have never cheated. We have been together for 7 years. We should be past this? 

She has been cheated on twice by past partnes but i should have proved myself by now no? She has always been super sensitive but after our second born now almost 2 it has kicked up a notch and upsets both kids, the other is 6 both are girls. 

She is a great mother but i seem to rub her up the wrong way all the time. Any threats of me leaving equals real emotion. 

Dammed if i do, dammed if i don't. Help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Itslikethat said:


> My wife seems to need constant attention. Eg, i work nights and hardly ever get down time in the week. I get up, say hello to my wife and 2 kids, make a coffee and sit down on the computer for a bit. I then head off with the dog before spending the rest of the evening before work sat with my wife. Normally cuddled on the sofa. Sound ok? Drives my wife insane.


If your wife wants attention, why does cuddling on the sofa drive her insane? Could you please clarify this?



Itslikethat said:


> She has a low opinion of herself and doesn't believe i love her. I come from a thick skinned family, i have said hurtful things in arguments which i now avoid but.. they are there... poised for the next minor hiccup to turn her into full rage mode. NO amount of nice words work but ONE bad work will be held against me till death.


There have been studies done on the effect of good words/actions vs bad words/actions.

Basically it takes about 13 good acts/words to overcome the damage done by one bad act/word.

Saying hurtful words in arguments destroys relationships. Apparently your words have seriously hurt your wife. That’s not good.



Itslikethat said:


> The needy argumentative wife is there every day. I can go to work after sex and a relaxing evening to come home to a full on rage from 'being kept awake thinking about us'. I did nothing but work all night.


So your wife is not happy in the marriage. What has she told you she is unhappy about? 



Itslikethat said:


> I am less outgoing than her and a bit assed at the weekend.


What does “a bit assed” mean? Does it mean that on the weekend you are in a bad mood usually?



Itslikethat said:


> We do go out as a family but its less than she would like. I like shopping, then a takeaway and tv after the kids are in bed. No big deal there although it does cause friction.


Why does this cause friction? Is she upset that you went out as a family? Is she upset about watching TV? You are going to have to be clearer.



Itslikethat said:


> BUT should i DARE go away myself of a weekend. Quotes, "stuck in the house all week", "don't give a s**t about us" etc. I do... but all i do is work and the rest i'm at home.


How often do you got away by yourself for the weekend? 

How often does your wife got off by herself for the weekend?

Where do you go when you go off by yourself for the weekend?



Itslikethat said:


> If i pop in my pre come home bar i'm ogling other women. It's just for a half as i'm driving.


How often do you pop into your bar?



Itslikethat said:


> "I want other women and will find one better and leave". I should stop and fill in later.
> 
> These are not the words of a woman that want's to go... i don't think. It seems like i can't do right. I have never cheated. We have been together for 7 years. We should be past this?
> 
> She has been cheated on twice by past partnes but i should have proved myself by now no? She has always been super sensitive but after our second born now almost 2 it has kicked up a notch and upsets both kids, the other is 6 both are girls.


It’s hard to tell yet from what you posted. So if you answer the questions we might be closer to understanding what’s going on.



Itslikethat said:


> She is a great mother but i seem to rub her up the wrong way all the time. Any threats of me leaving equals real emotion.


What do you mean by that bolded part? Do you threaten to leave her?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Read the Five Love Languages.
Your wife needs Quality Time. You are not providing it to her, thus she does not feel loved by you.
Read the book.


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## darnyoublueberry (Sep 18, 2015)

Hi!

My suggestion, if you guys are able to. Find a quiet evening for just the two of you. Sit down and have a conversation about what it is she wants from you in your marriage. Everything. Write it down, she may find that attentive and think you mean business. Just let her talk. No interrupting. Than tell her your needs. Perhaps together you can find a solution. 

And most importantly...follow through on your new found compromises and whatnots.

Have a marvelous day!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't know when you will be back online. So just incase I miss your reponse...

There are two books that I think will help the two of you. They are meant to be read together and worked on together.

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".

I agree that from what you wrote, your wife appears needy because you are not meeting an important need of hers.... quality time.

Cuddling and watching TV is not quality time. Going shopping as a family is not quality time. Quality time is when you and your wife spend time together, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, doing things where you concentrate on each other. Things that you both enjoy.

When you watch TV your concentrating on the TV, not her.

You go off on some weekends and leave her alone with the kids. When does she get a break from the kids? When does she get a break from her job?

And why aren't you taking her on those weekends away?


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## Itslikethat (Jul 21, 2009)

@EleGirl,

Apologies for the delay. OK,

I think the sofa thing, sat without the kids around she may reflect on the day and ponder things. She does over think a bit and admits this.

I have worked on this. My anger is rare but brief. Hers is low and more constant. I'm trying to get her to open up rather than have it build and her losing control. The constant lack of a solution gets us both mad. I NEVER start a disagreement.

She is mainly unhappy about time with us/a family although in the past we have went out of a weekend and had her vent about this the day after. Leaving me confused.

Assed simply means after a week of work and the thought of a Sunday working (although short) sometimes, i like my day off to be free. Just shopping etc.

The bar? Once or twice a year for a reason to go to the nearest city. Last time was to pick up pro family photos. 

She threatens to leave, i did before for reaction but stopped when she said she disliked it. Now she does it and admits its for reaction. For the amount of times she has said it, she admits only once she ment it. In 7 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MY post one above yours is the advice I've got right now.

The Love Buster's book is the one to start with... she needs to stop complaining after the two of you do things together. All that does is drive you away.. which then makes her feel like you are pulling away from her. It's a bad cycle.

But the two of you need to spend more quality time together. You two need to date each other. Maybe set up a once a week date where you two go out and do something together.. even if all it is a walk, holding hands... and talking.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep what Elegirl says. 

We men have to learn how to treat a woman. If you want a happy life it takes two. I had to learn just as you will. It's not easy. Took me awhile. I'm an alpha, a type, hardhead but I learned. 

Compliment her on her looks, you must take her on dates, if you are watching tv give her a foot massage or play with her hair (something that you are doing for her). If you can give The-attention she needs you'll get repaid much over. 

The most important thing is talk to her. Ask her about her day and LISTEN. Find out what makes her tick. Marriage is hard work and you have to put effort into it. Once you learn her wants needs it'll be great. She has to do her part to but you can only fix yours.

The saying is true happy wife = happy life


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## Itslikethat (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I think some of my issues come from being partly on my own for too long. I left home at 19 and bought my first home at 20. I moved in with a current girlfriend but it didn't work out as she wanted a party life (whatever that is) but settled down just after. Now a single parent to the guy just after me. I then dated on and off all the way up to 30 years old. Much in control and dating very easy going women.

I need to be kicked into touch thus a do as you please wife fails to satisfy. Just not too much as i have now. If we balance this it will be perfect for us both. 

Strange the woman i am most happy with and love the most is the hardest work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Itslikethat said:


> Thanks for taking the time to reply.
> 
> I think some of my issues come from being partly on my own for too long. I left home at 19 and bought my first home at 20. I moved in with a current girlfriend but it didn't work out as she wanted a party life (whatever that is) but settled down just after. Now a single parent to the guy just after me. I then dated on and off all the way up to 30 years old. Much in control and dating very easy going women.
> 
> ...


Perhaps she's the hardest work because she's worth it?

You do not have children with any of those other women. I'll bet that they would be just as much work in a long term relationship with children.


Marc878 said "The saying is true happy wife = happy life"

I want to add some to that. The statement is often meant to mean that a man just has to give in to his wife all the time so that she does not nag him to death. Well that's not what makes a woman happy. (again read the books to find out)

I also believe that it's true that "happy husband = happy life"

The point is that marriage is two people working as partners to enrich each other's lives, to raise children, etc.

If my husband bent over backwards to make by happy by meeting my very whim but he was unhappy... I would not be a happy wife. His well being and happiness would mean as much to me as my own.

So please do not take that statement to mean that anyone is telling you to become a slave to your wife's whims.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Most women do want to spend time with their husbands (this was the cause of one well-known presidential candidate's divorce). 
Women seem to love planning. Can you suggest some things to do during the week. Rather than veg out, ask her about her day. Go out somewhere with the kids. Your post implies that there is something wrong with her and obviously that will make her feel more insecure.


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## Itslikethat (Jul 21, 2009)

There is nothing wrong with the outgoing aspect of her. She is company and going out oriented. I am a bit of a hermit. I can spend an insane amount of time alone. Eg, when i was single over the xmas holidays, i would spend the xmas week with family and friends & the second alone. Out to get stuff and walk the dog. Otherwise alone.

I think some people recharge around people. I recharge alone. You are all helping a great deal. I am a good reader and will check out the book.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Perhaps she's the hardest work because she's worth it?
> 
> You do not have children with any of those other women. I'll bet that they would be just as much work in a long term relationship with children.
> 
> ...


Exactly, you can only fix yourself. I'm sure she had some things to work on as well. That's why you talk to each other. Once you start you'll be amazed at how easy it becomes. 

Women have no respect for doormats so expect her to work her 50% of the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marc878 said:


> Exactly, you can only fix yourself. I'm sure she had some things to work on as well. *That's why you talk to each other.* Once you start you'll be amazed at how easy it becomes.
> 
> Women have no respect for doormats so expect her to work her 50% of the marriage.


This is why I like those two books. They help a couple talk to each other so that the couple identifies and fixes their own issues. And as individuals, they can help a person realize where they need to work on themselves.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"I am a bit of a hermit. I can spend an insane amount of time alone." Hey I tend to introvert and people are surprised that I like to go to movies alone. That said, you're married and part of this is changing your natural way of doing things and you can be enriched by this. She perhaps feels lonely and I would again try to plan some activities, even if this is not your natural bent.


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