# Getting Married in a couple of months to a Cheater



## Mzkismet (Aug 29, 2017)

A little back story, my and my future Husband have been to gethee almost 5 years. Thtough those five years we broke up twice and got back together. He is kind, sweet and I love him, I love the relationship he has with my family. I recently got engaged last year around November and just been in a glow since. Now let me fast forward.

So Sunday, I was downloading a new app and seen that my Fiancee had the app also. The app was kik, you can see other users by phone number. So I became nosey and went thru his phone to find out why he has the app. Now previous to this, I never suspected him of cheating. I though it was probably used for his fantasy football game. Well it wasn't, I seen him and his best friend talking about hoes and his BF has a girlfriend but he talks about how he is having sex with groupie females. Nothing was indirect saying my Fiancee cheated but it sparked doubt. I apporached him about it and he confessed. He said for 3yrs of our relationship he cheated. He said he hasn't cheated since he bought the ring in Oct last year. He said it had nothing to do with me,just something he did. He was hoping I never found out and is serious about marriage. He said that once he decided he wanted to marry me, that he stopped cheating. I questioned him on why , when did it start and etc. I just feel like my great relationship is a lie. We almost done paying for this wedding? I still love him and don't know if I can trust him again? This is one of the hardest decisions I making? I need some advice?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

CHeaters cheat. Liars lie. For 3 years he cheated and lied to you about it. 

You have FOUND OUT that your guy is a cheater for 3 YEARS, and luckily found out before you got married. I would NOT believe him when he says he stopped once he gave you the ring, and would NOT believe him about whether he's going to cheat in the future. This guy obviously has very little conscience about cheating, and it's something that he and his buds obviously do and think is o.k.

You know the answer to this. Move on. It hurts like hell. But you have to realize that this man is not truthful and is only telling you what you want to hear. He may even love you. But that didn't stop him from cheating on you, did it? He may want to be faithful now. What if after a few years or months of same-old same-old with wifey, he decides a little strange is a lot of fun and changes his mind. Will it be easier to let him go now, or after you're married?

The smart money is on moving on to a man that doesn't have a long history of already cheating on you. Cheaters rarely change their spots from what I've seen.

The fact that you're asking pretty much means you already knew the answer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Needs to be put on hold at least and probably called off.

He has shown total contempt for you and your relationship apparently up to proposing.

Taking it at face value, he really might have decided to change but I would give it a lot more time and might just look for greener, more faithful, pastures.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Was his "cheating" during a time when you both agreed you were in a committed exclusive relationship even though you didn't have a ring yet? If so, then I think you have to assume that there is a good chance he will cheat again in the future. 

Whether or not you marry him knowing that is your choice. It depends on whether you (not anyone else) sees cheating as completely unforgivable, or as something that isn't great, but that you can live with. 






Mzkismet said:


> A little back story, my and my future Husband have been to gethee almost 5 years. Thtough those five years we broke up twice and got back together. He is kind, sweet and I love him, I love the relationship he has with my family. I recently got engaged last year around November and just been in a glow since. Now let me fast forward.
> 
> So Sunday, I was downloading a new app and seen that my Fiancee had the app also. The app was kik, you can see other users by phone number. So I became nosey and went thru his phone to find out why he has the app. Now previous to this, I never suspected him of cheating. I though it was probably used for his fantasy football game. Well it wasn't, I seen him and his best friend talking about hoes and his BF has a girlfriend but he talks about how he is having sex with groupie females. Nothing was indirect saying my Fiancee cheated but it sparked doubt. I apporached him about it and he confessed. He said for 3yrs of our relationship he cheated. He said he hasn't cheated since he bought the ring in Oct last year. He said it had nothing to do with me,just something he did. He was hoping I never found out and is serious about marriage. He said that once he decided he wanted to marry me, that he stopped cheating. I questioned him on why , when did it start and etc. I just feel like my great relationship is a lie. We almost done paying for this wedding? I still love him and don't know if I can trust him again? This is one of the hardest decisions I making? I need some advice?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you know what you have to do. The fact is that not only has he been living a lie and cheating, you have already broken up twice which is another red flag. 
you can't trust him because he has proved himself entirely untrustworthy. He has no moral values or integrity and won't be faithful. 
You know what you have to do. If you don't end this relationship and do marry him you will have a miserable unhappy life with a man you can't trust. He clearly has no respect for you at all.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Ahhhh....the wonderful Kik app. The app of the singles looking to mingle without commitment and of the cheater so the info wont show up on their phone.

Sorry sweetie, but he cheated on you for 3 years and he hid it well. He may be committed now, but I will tell you from experience in todays dating scene, he wont change. He will be good for a little bit, but just give it time and he will be boning someone else and you will not be the wiser.

Do yourself a favour and cancel the wedding and work on getting your money back. Once a cheater always a cheater. 


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think that this marriage is set up for failure before it even begins. I'm sorry but you need to put this off and if you both want to work on the relationship then couples counseling is needed.

I do think people can change and maybe he won't do it again but maybe he will. At the very least you have some huge trust issues to get through before you even consider marrying him.




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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No trust issues to work through. She'd be an idiot to ever trust the guy. It's loyalty issues that HE needs to work through.

You can't work through or around bad character. The guy is a cheater. The title of the thread says it all: Marrying a cheater.

Don't put it off. Just move on. It will be less painful in the long run. Easier said than done....... Do it.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> No trust issues to work through. She'd be an idiot to ever trust the guy. It's loyalty issues that HE needs to work through.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I didn't mean trust issues as a bad thing on her part.
Basically I meant she shouldn't marry him if she doesn't trust him.
People can change but who knows if he can change.



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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

As said above, even if he genuinely loves you and is currently feeling committed, it's only a matter of time until his logic makes cheating again seem like an OK thing to do. He may even go as far as thinking that if he gets bored of having sex with you, if he cheats on you, he's actually doing the marriage a favor because you can stay together AND he gets what he needs. Bottom line, if you're ok with forever wondering if he's being faithful or not, bringing home STD's or not, lying to you about other things or not, then you should walk down the aisle. 

The other thing is that you broke up twice, and got back together. I was in your EXACT shoes, and looking back, I should have listened to myself when we broke up the second time and I said "I'm not doing this again". Well, I didn't listen to my instincts, got back together, fell in love again (aka blinded), got married, and now I'm at a point where I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to be able to tolerate the same exact things we broke up for in the first place.

I absolutely love my wife, which is what makes it 1000x harder to just up and leave. So I get it how hard it is, I totally do, but do yourself a favor and break it off now before you are neck-deep in a crappy marriage and getting out is now exponentially harder, more expensive and upsetting. And for the sake of all things holy DO NOT have sex with him not one single more time, because if you get pregnant, it's over.

Best of luck sweetie, so sorry this happened to you. It must be a shock..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You really believe he's been faithful since November? Marriage does change things. But not the way he or you might like. Once married you now have legal commitments and often times children. Children are great but often times dramatically change the marriage. In the early years many women just aren't all that much into sex as much as taking care of the baby and sleeping when it's possible. And children often bring some weight gain. Men at this point are either committed to their marriage and wife even if unhappy about the sex or they stray/divorce or both. Someone who's doing this while the going is easy is a prime candidate for doing it at the most inconvenient time. You want to be a single mother? I don't think I could go forward. Also as Uthred pointed out prior to the engagement went you guys already in a monogamous relationship? How is being engaged/ married that different except then they often get you trapped with children and the need for financial stability.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The majority of your relationship, he has been cheating on you.
Do you really need strangers to tell you that this man is not a keeper?

Do not marry him. He is NOT marriage material.
The money spent on your wedding is a sunk cost. You'll be paying for the decision to marry a cheater for life.


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## ringlessmarriage (Aug 29, 2017)

Obviously the relationship is doomed. Maybe he never cheats again and loves you unconditionally for the rest of your life, but you will never be able to trust him. I do not condone cheating, but I give him kudos for being honest when confronted. Most people will continue the charade until there is not possible way out.

I also question if there were trust issues prior to this. It is obvious there is because you were compelled to check the phone. We can make up various reasons to check someones phone, but if it is doing so without their knowledge, then you already do not trust. 

Do not settle...find someone you can trust. Trust is the single most important thing in a healthy relationship...I know all to well...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sweetie, he has cheated on you for the majority of your relationship. For YEARS even. There's a BIG difference between one mistake, fessing up immediately, falling to your knees begging forgiveness, and three YEARS of lying.

You'll never be able to trust him. You'll be able to get some of the money back for the wedding, you won't get all of it though. Any rate - a divorce will cost you a lot more than calling off a wedding.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

People can change if they truly want to BUT I have to agree with the others... Trusting will be difficult. Is this how you want the beginning of your marriage to be.. Always worried and checking his phone or wondering what he is up too. I think if you marry him you'll regret it later..


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mzkismet said:


> A little back story, my and my future Husband have been to gethee almost 5 years. Thtough those five years we broke up twice and got back together. He is kind, sweet and I love him, I love the relationship he has with my family. I recently got engaged last year around November and just been in a glow since. Now let me fast forward.
> 
> So Sunday, I was downloading a new app and seen that my Fiancee had the app also. The app was kik, you can see other users by phone number. So I became nosey and went thru his phone to find out why he has the app. Now previous to this, I never suspected him of cheating. I though it was probably used for his fantasy football game. Well it wasn't, I seen him and his best friend talking about hoes and his BF has a girlfriend but he talks about how he is having sex with groupie females. Nothing was indirect saying my Fiancee cheated but it sparked doubt. I apporached him about it and he confessed. He said for 3yrs of our relationship he cheated. He said he hasn't cheated since he bought the ring in Oct last year. He said it had nothing to do with me,just something he did. He was hoping I never found out and is serious about marriage. He said that once he decided he wanted to marry me, that he stopped cheating. I questioned him on why , when did it start and etc. I just feel like my great relationship is a lie. We almost done paying for this wedding? I still love him and don't know if I can trust him again? This is one of the hardest decisions I making? I need some advice?


Immediately -- and permanently -- dump him.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mzkismet said:


> *I seen him and his best friend talking* about hoes and his BF has a girlfriend but he talks about how he is having sex with groupie females.


Being a total grammarian, I cringe at the phrase "I seen...". 

The correct usage is "I saw..."


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

He'll always be a cheater.

Think of how much you valued your relationship prior to getting the ring? Well it meant nothing to him, he cheated the entire time and didn't give 2 ****s about it.

Make sure you're in love with him, not who you thought he was (he is a totally different person, liar, selfish, lacks empathy, disloyal), and not just in love with your shiny ring.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Why would you take marriage vows with someone that said of his cheating that he thought you would never find out? Also,when he said it was 'just something he did' was it meant as whenever the urge hits him? Very dodgy.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was set to get married this Sunday. Had a $7k deposit down and another $7k due. 3 weeks ago I found out my fiancee was using hard drugs (heroine/meth) and taking pain killers and other crap. I ended the marriage immediately after finding out. We are still together, mainly to support her why she gets help and take care of her kids. No idea if we'll last or even get married someday. I got back $3k of the deposit, so "only" out $4k plus another $1k in misc crap (dresses, airfare cancellation fees, etc).

What I'm saying, have no shame in pulling the plug if you don't feel good about it. Tell your parents, best friend, and other people who can help you make a decision. 

It sucks but it would suck to have major regrets down the road when you could have avoided a costly and crappy divorce by just giving up a few grand in deposits.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

He claims he stopped cheating when he bought you a ring?

So that is how long you have really been together. That's if he isn't lying still.

Cancel the wedding. If you want to work on the relationship go to counselling. 

But, honestly, I don't see a path for you both here. He never would have told you if you didn't find out. He would have continued to lie to you. Your entire life would have had a lie in it. 


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Kik is cheaty app central. When you log out it erases the history so cheating assed cheaters can erase stuff before their partner sees faster. Do not get married to douchenozzel.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

growing_weary said:


> Kik is cheaty app central. When you log out it erases the history so cheating assed cheaters can erase stuff before their partner sees faster. Do not get married to douchenozzel.




Ok... I use kik but when I log out it doesn't erase anything. Odd.

People will use anything they can to cheat- fb, kik, WhatsApp, tinder, Craigslist, even sites like this one. Cheaters will cheat.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

This is who he is hes showing you that hes a cheater. If you marry him know that mosr likley when you marriage goes through though times he will take shelfish way out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With rare exception, once a cheater cheats, they instinctively know the drill and can certainly repeat it without equivocation!

The exception to that mantra is to show visible contrition, learn from it, and then never go back to it!

I don't, in any way, sense this from your fiancé! It's time to move on and find someone who you can love and trust explicitly!

Please don't marry a mistake! 

I've been there, and done that ~ twice, no less!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LaReine said:


> Ok... I use kik but when I log out it doesn't erase anything. Odd.
> 
> People will use anything they can to cheat- fb, kik, WhatsApp, tinder, Craigslist, even sites like this one. Cheaters will cheat.


Give a cheater a wet paper bag, a used Kleenex, and a broken pencil, and he'll MacGyver a way to use those things to cheat.

It's what they do.

It's who they are.

Dump this guy, OP.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

You know, I don't get why people would do this knowing beforehand. A friend of mine JUST got married to someone she knew stepped out on her. I told her about my situation and the only thing she could say was that she wished she could be as strong (which I'm not, but hey). She's been with him for years. Her reasoning was that she always had an RA after finding out about his thing and that she'd rather have him since he doesn't "pressure" her. And I just tilted my head at her and was like, "do you but..." and began listing ways she is totally not seeing her own value. I know it's easier to say to someone else than to here it for yourself but it burns me up for her.

If you marry someone who cheats, go into it knowing this is the best it will get with them. if they're cheating they may come back to you each time eventually they might not, or you might be saddled with all sorts of issues because of this. It takes a whole lot of mental fortitude to deal with something like this and keep your sense of self whole. Why would you always want to feel like you weren't good enough to have his full attention and love?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I hate to say it but cheaters are very good liers, as you've learned that he's been cheating for 3 years and you didn't know a thing about it.

Maybe he needed to get some stuff out of his system before he proposed to you. Maybe not. The fact that he's been lying to you all this time while cheating...just because there's a ring on your finger doesn't mean he won't cheat on you again and lie about it, and it's a huge red flag!!

I've been there as my first husband was a fantastic lier..and a cheater. It's amazing what one learns after spending nearly 20+ years with someone like this. He cheated every time he could and had no bad feelings whatsoever. It wasn't until I started catching on to it all that he finally started paying attention to how much it was affecting our marriage.

He cheated even before we were married (funny how a person finds things out after the fact as we're always the last to know..)..and cheated many times well into our 20+ years of marriage. He loved me, I know that..and a counselor actually told me that he could be a sex addict; as he was addicted to group sex and swinging. I'd find all these books about it that he was looking at; and the final straw was when he eventually started swinging with someone else behind my back.

That wasn't the end of it though, as he was also messing around with the women he met from the couples he swung with. This ended very many marriages..but he just didn't care. In all honesty, all he cared about were the bragging rights as he posted them on Yahoo Messenger and would often leave them up. Not sure if it was on purpose or if he really did want to get caught.

It still wasn't the end as he was messing around with every single woman he could get his pants off with. One time we were out shooting pool league and one of his "conquests" was sitting at a table, drunk as a skunk. She told him, "OMGoodness, I've never seen your wife..she's so pretty..and how am I supposed to compete with her!??"

I can't even imagine the promises he made to her..

Silly girl, as she was married with two kids. I approached her nicely and told her that she'd better cut it quits with whatever she was doing with my husband; that he was a user and it would eventually cost her a bunch; including her nice husband and her children.

By this time our marriage was pretty much over. I no longer trusted him and he came and went as he pleased; sometimes showing up at night..and then sometimes not showing up at all. He always had some excuse which I pretended to buy. I was already saving for my way out at that point.

To be honest, I actually felt sorry for all these women that my hubby had sex with. They were easy prey as he was a real player. He eventually got himself into a bunch of trouble with a woman that used him to the core and took him and his business to the cleaners. She got pregnant and swore up and down it was my husbands; making him crazy with worry about how he was going to get that child away from her as she was already a horrible mother. She played him to the core in addition to playing the system; naming one guy..and then another; just a few at a time. And until all DNA tests were turned in, they couldn't say who the father was until she named them all.

In the meantime she played my husband for every spare dime he had; making him think was was for sure the father of her child. My husband begged me for us to adopt the child as she wasn't a fit mother. At that time I felt more sorry for the poor child than anyone else and started going to Social Services to see what we could do to get this child away from a worthless mother that did many drugs and again, wasn't a fit mother. I was praised up and down by the Social Worker for sticking my neck out; not for my husband..but for the poor child.

It took very many months for this woman to finally name all the men she'd slept with during that time period..a total of 45 men!! DNA testing seemed to take forever and my husband finally called the judge and begged him to tell him if he indeed WAS the father (Sounds like the Maury Povitch Show, huh!??). Since it had been more than six months while this woman used the system to nickel and dime them on possible men she'd slept with..the judge was kind enough to tell my husband that he wasn't the father..and thus he could stop giving this woman any more money.

When she found this out, she actually laughed and said, "I knew you weren't the Daddy anyway..just wanted to get all I could outta ya...HA!!"

These things are what you need to be careful of if your future husband continues to cheat on you. In addition, if he continues to cheat, without knowing the signs, you could end up with a really bad STD. Not knowing who he's messing around with can cause major problems with your health.

Please stay safe and go through some sort of possible religious counseling (or other counseling) before you marry this man. As much as you love him..if he loves YOU enough..he'll be happy to go through it with you and create trust before the two of you are married.

Good luck and God Bless!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Give a cheater a wet paper bag, a used Kleenex, and a broken pencil, and he'll MacGyver a way to use those things to cheat.


Hahaha! This made my morning! Thanks for the laugh!

Absolutely true but funny as hell!!😂 :laugh:>


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