# Need Advice



## BOB1234 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hello, 

This is my first real post and I can use some help with what I am going through. My wife and I have been together 8 years married 4.5. When our relationship started it was amazing, which I’m sure always is the case. The real problems started when we were engaged and dating 2 years + I persuaded my wife into going into business with my mother which was a huge mistake. Although the business was successful we would fight at home and me being caught in the middle it was just so hard. we almost didn't get married we went to marriage counseling and the plan was to get her out of the business, so we got married and 4 months later we got her out of the business. Unfortunately we never had that great amazing part of our marriage because when we got married she was still in business with my mom. After a few months things got better and better. My wife used to beg me to get in better shape I was always say ok and give up. I am nowhere near obese but my wife is in amazing shape and she thought it would spice up our sex life if I was to get in better shape with her. I promised I would so many times and gave up after 2 weeks. A few years go by and there were amazing times and not good times just like any marriage. 2 years ago we decided to start a family which my wife miscarried the first time, it was so hard on her so about 8 months later she got pregnant again and she started to show and we saw the heart beat and then bang out of nowhere she lost the baby again. She was devasted to say the least. This was about 9 months ago fast forward to present time back Fed 2012 she told me she felt like the spark was gone in our marriage and she didn't know if we can get it back. We went to couples therapy and I am so willing to do anything I can to get her back she said she doesn’t know if she has the energy to keep trying. She asked me to go to therapy in the past and I never went. She said that it’s very hurtful that she had to threaten the marriage for me to take this seriously and go to therapy. She decided it was best for the time being to go live with her mother it was this past Saturday. I went to therapy myself yesterday and the therapist said to me she asked my wife when they met alone if there was someone else my wife said absolutely not which I asked as well and I totally believe. The one thing my wife would never do is lie if there was someone else she would tell me no problem. I feel that some of the problems in our marriage is 100% my fault and I will take ownership of that but I also feel that things started to get really bad around the time of the miscarriages it was hard to have sex because she was pregnant for 6 of the months in the last year and 8 months and her Dr. told her to wait 2-3 months after the DNC's she had to have sex again. During that time she told me she was depressed and now when I bring it up to her to go a talk to someone about it she tells me she isn't depressed. My therapist who has met with both of us feels that the miscarriages def have had something to do with this. Now that we are trying this trial separation I want advice as to what is the best way to get her back. I am committed to therapy to make sure I change the things about myself that are not right. I have lost 29 lbs in the last 3 months I am committed to getting in better shape. I mean I am 5' 6" 168lbs and athletic so I was never crazy hugs I just hold it all in my gut. We speak once a day and one day the conversation is great the next she seems distant. As I said I know there is no one else in the bottom of my heart I feel it, she works like crazy then calls me from her moms before she goes to bed. I just need some advice as to what is the right thing to do that has worked. I am trying to give her the space she needs I just feel like either I am doing too little or too much right now. My dr said she has to learn to let the past go because she still has resentment for me getting her into business with my mom as the job she left although not making any money was her passion. If I could go back I would but I don’t have a time machine. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I think you're on the right track with the counselling, stick with and see where it goes. The weight loss, though not the ideal way to lose it (by your spouse leaving you) it's gone and you've got a headstart on getting healthier, keep that up as well (I need to take my own advice here). As for your wife, you're going to have to give her the space. It does sound like she's got some depression going on, but if she doesn't see that, she won'tget help for it. She won't seek help until it starts to effect her life.

I think many here will agree that this time is for you to work on you. Many will suggest doing the 180, which personally, I've found that impossible to do, but may work for you. Pushing yourself on her is not going to work. She needs time as well to figure out where she is.

Hope this helps.


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