# Can my wife be un"done"?



## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

I've had several other threads over the past few months. I'm happy to answer questions if you want details. Otherwise, here goes.

It's been about 2 months since I've really gotten the emotional part of the 180. I've been consistent with the physical part (exercise, taking care for the house) for 8. We had our first MC session on Friday, and my wife stated that she want to learn how to effectively co-parent together, and communicating better would help that. I stated my view as it's been for the last 2 months: I'm stilling willing to do whatever I can, but I'm done pushing for marriage, since my wife doesn't want it.

After the session she says she's pleased with how things went. She certainly noticed the changes in me, but she reiterated that she is "done" and "doesn't have any more to give" to our marriage. After saying that though, she said, for the first time since this all began in January, that this sucks and this isn't what she wants. She just can't see that it's possible for us to continue our marriage. After saying this, she very pointedly said that this doesn't mean she has changed her mind, that we are still planning on separating. Through it all I listened, offered words when appropriate, and let her say what she wanted.

My question for the ladies is: do you think that it's even possible that at some point she'll start to feel love again? For me I should say. I know that she's not actively blocking it, but I also know that she's determined to end our marriage, but for the first time since saying so she seems to have some reluctance. None of this is going to change the way I've been acting. I won't be affectionate toward her unless she shows some indication that she wants me to be, however I'll still be agreeable while holding that this is not my preference.

Can she become un"done"?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I did not read your other post but would you mind telling what happened in your triage to get you where you are now? How long have you been together and how old are you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Good question. That could be my husband talking. Same words. Wants to go to MC to be better coparents and communicate better, yada, yada.. But not interested in our marriage. Says he can't see any future between us... same stuff as your wife.

I've done the 180 for the most part, he still apprpaches me and wants to have talks about what went wrong. 

He has been out with his buddies partying a lot and does not bother to call our child to say goodnight. That to me, is the worst of all of this. He has moved out and has left me to pick up the pieces with our devastated 8yo.

It all sucks and I'm starting to feel real anger at him for doing this.


----------



## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

We have been together for 15 years, married nearly 12. I'm 37, W is 36. Quick story is that I was SAHD for the past 6 years to our 3 kids, 6, 3 1/2, 2. During that time we stopped focusing on our marriage, we also stopped focusing on ourselves as individuals. In January when she had the realization that she hated her life, the finger was pointed squarely at me for "draggin her down into my mediocre life". Of late, we both recognize that there is no fault, it just was complacency.

I began my 180 immediately in January, but failed to stop following her around and telling her "ILY" and all the emotional parts (thus pushing her away and increasing her resentment). I June, I finally got it, thanks to BBWolf and some others on this forum, and began the emotional part.

She's never stated that she wants it to work out, until she hinted at it on Friday. She always stated either IDK or eventually Done. Catherine, let me know if that helps you understand, and if you have further questions.

Broken, I'm still in the house for another month or two while we figure logistics. One of the things that brings me resentment (though I'm doing fairly well at getting over it, most days) is that my W is the one who wants out of the marriage, but she wants me to move out. Since she's been the breadwinner, she sees all this stuff as her stuff, not ours, and doesn't want to leave it. Yet she still depends on me to stay with the kids while she goes out with her friends. She does still have a great relationship with the kids, however, and both of us have their well-being in mind.

As far as I can tell, people like our spouses have severe cases of "grass is greener" syndrome. From my point of view, if my W just allowed herself to open up a little, and make the decision to work on us, we could have a marriage that far surpasses anything we've had thus far. The worst part is though, I can't tell her that. Anything like that coming from me will just be met with skepticism at best, resentment at worst. It's a decision that she has to come to on her own, without my input.

I understand how you feel, and it definitely sucks.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No no no. Why do you move? Her being the breadwinner is besides the point. This however may effect the possibility of reconciliation but I would not leave your home. One reason is that I think that it can be construed as abandonment. Who is taking care of the kids? Will you pick up your career if you cannot reconcile? 

Have you has a consultation with a lawyer yet? If not do that pronto. The property etc that you obtained in the marriage belongs to both of you. Her problem is that she does not value your contribution to the marriage. You took care of children you both decided to have, you were cook, housekeeper, general home manager so that she was free to work. In addition you provided her with the intimacy and emotional support she needed. if she were a SAHM, it would be exactly the same, they don't get thrown out of the house. The primary caretaker usually stay in the home to provide stability to the kids. 

She is selfish and deluded. She would not accept the same if it were the other way around. What does the MC say? If he/she supports your wife throwing you out then get another one because if you were a woman that would not be supported. You need legal help. 

I think you should continue what you are doing and don't talk about the relationship. Get into the workforce ASAP and develpoe outside interest. Dress well and look good and act as if you are getting ready to date. Regain your confidence and drive get a plan and work towards it. Dont consult her just do, like a man. Don't offer her any emotion support of any kind. Not letting her throw you out may make her angry but may also increase her repect for you. You are allowing her to walk all over you if you allow her to be selfish. Let her know that your contribution was as valuable as her's. If she were at home it would be the same. 

She can take some of the stuff with her but not all and you have to agree. Man up just because you were a SAHD you did not grow a p***y. Let her know that you have you man parts intact. 

You worked at home while she was employed. You both made the lifesyle possibile. Without you she would not have anything that the union brought. How will she support you while you get back into the work force? if 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

