# New here & considering what to do



## bohemian11 (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi, Everyone. I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years and we have two absolutely great kids. I was married before very briefly to a person who was very emotionally abusive - thankfully, we didn't have kids. 

My relationship with my husband has never been great and we really don't have much in common. We rushed into things very quickly and I got pregnant early on in our dating relationship, so we decided to marry. He is very "rejecting" to me and he is also emotionally abusive. I could give a long account of all of our problems, but for brevity's sake I'll just say that I feel very alone in my marriage. He is not supportive of me and seems to think most of what I do, care about or am interested in is/are stupid. For example, today, I got a call early in the morning from my aunt saying my grandmother (whom I love dearly and who raised me) is in the hospital. We live far away so I can't readily go see her. After I got off the phone, my husband immediately started in with saying my "granny" was just playing sick, that nothing is wrong with her, and that they shouldn't be bothering me with such things. About 5 years ago, I went through a period of severe anxiety and depression while I was attending professional school and my husband literally told me "you'll get NO sympathy from me! Snap out of it or I'll have you committed!" These are just a couple of examples but are very typical of what I go through on a daily basis.

Also, he is what I call "financially abusive." He has not worked consistently since 2007, which has had us in a bind financially. I have struggled to get my career started and I'm finally making good money. He has dabbled in school, never attending consistently and usually dropping out of all his classes. His financial aid loan money was put into a "mad money" account for him, which he spent on his hobbies and things for himself and complained when he had to pay bills (like for his expensive smartphone or things for himself). Whenever I've mentioned his getting a job, he screams "you are just trying to use me and put me to work all the time!" and he has told me that since he is the husband of a "professional" he expects to live that lifestyle and be able to spend money as he pleases. What I want is a 50/50 marriage where each partner contributes. He won't even do laundry and our house is an ungodly mess as he does not clean while he's home all day. He spends his time working on his hobbies, playing on the computer and watching movies.

I have stayed due to our kids and due to the fact that he has promised to make my life a living hell should I leave. Unfortunately, I had an affair 4 years ago (out of sheer desperation for someone to at least act like they cared about me), which I know was wrong and regret. My husband has some e-mails between myself and this person, which he has promised to reveal to everyone I know should I leave him. He has told me he will have me fired from work and I know he would try. Even if he did not succeed, it would cause me problems and undermine me professionally.

We are in therapy, but I doubt it will do much good as we've been in therapy off and on and no significant changes have been made. Right now, I'm wondering if it isn't worth it to just take a chance on his ruining my life and leave while I'm still young enough to possibly find a real partner to share life with. I am very cynical about "love," though, and really wonder if anyone could care about me and if I'd just wind up with another abuser - very possible, given my track record.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You have this thread in another section too I responded in the other one.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

bohemian11 said:


> Hi, Everyone. I've been married to my husband for almost 10 years and we have two absolutely great kids. I was married before very briefly to a person who was very emotionally abusive - thankfully, we didn't have kids.
> 
> My relationship with my husband has never been great and we really don't have much in common. We rushed into things very quickly and I got pregnant early on in our dating relationship, so we decided to marry. He is very "rejecting" to me and he is also emotionally abusive. I could give a long account of all of our problems, but for brevity's sake I'll just say that I feel very alone in my marriage. He is not supportive of me and seems to think most of what I do, care about or am interested in is/are stupid. For example, today, I got a call early in the morning from my aunt saying my grandmother (whom I love dearly and who raised me) is in the hospital. We live far away so I can't readily go see her. After I got off the phone, my husband immediately started in with saying my "granny" was just playing sick, that nothing is wrong with her, and that they shouldn't be bothering me with such things. About 5 years ago, I went through a period of severe anxiety and depression while I was attending professional school and my husband literally told me "you'll get NO sympathy from me! Snap out of it or I'll have you committed!" These are just a couple of examples but are very typical of what I go through on a daily basis.
> 
> ...


Bohemian:

Three words: 

Get the hell out of there (ok that was six)

This is VERY abusive. Nobody, even if you cheated, deserves the type of abuse you are taking right now. Seriously look at what you have and be thankful. Something is not right with your husband.

Pick up the book - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Kinda a dry read, but definitely beneficial to your situation. Put it to practice before ever dating again. People have a tendency to marry what they are used to. You are already 2 for 2 on the emotional abuse spouse.

Remember, you have to do whats best for the children, and I have a feeling that ur children growing up in this household wont be emotionally healthy as a result.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" (Susan Jeffers) is another book I'd recommend. You are definitely in a verbal, emotionally abusive relationship and you're probably staying in it for (1) your kids, and (2) the fear he will do something to screw up your job situation. But let me ask you this - what are your children learning from this relationship? That's it's okay to treat their loved ones like this? That they should stay in bad, unhealthy relationships? Is that the message you really want them to learn?

Trust me, I know what it's like to stay stuck in a bad relationship. My spouse disrepects me and does so in front of our kids. As a result, I sometimes see my children (both 18 and above) treat me with the same disrepect. I regret not ending it many years ago. 

It's a very, very difficult situation and I wish you all the best.


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