# Wives working



## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I recently had an upset to my employment situation and I'm not sure what the best way to handle it in the long run is. I'm curious to see how others feel about it.

I worked very hard my whole life. Got a PhD, went to work for a big company taking home 4K per month. I hated my job but could never leave because of the money. I shared very freely with my fiance and never thought twice about it. In May I was layed off (along with 30% of my colleagues). My husband and I got married two months later as scheduled despite my stress about money and it all worked out fine. 

I struggle with depending on my husband. I try to make it up to him by doing almost all the chores, showing him how much I love him, etc. The job market is bad, yes, but the fact is I can't fathom going back to a job like that even if one came along. I am SO much happier now and my husband is fully aware of that. He claims he's glad I don't have that job anymore and says my happiness is more important.

Meanwhile times are tight but we're getting by fine on his salary. A friend of mind recently started their own business and I started helping out just for something to do. Now they're paying me... 4x less than I was making at my old job but I only work 3 days a week and I am a MUCH happier person. I enjoy my job. Sometimes though I feel ashamed that I'm "wasting" my degree and future by not getting back into the rat race. I don't want that life. Is this wrong? Should I just suck it up and try to get back into it for the money? Is it unfair to my husband?

Husbands - how do you feel about your wives and their employment?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Awesome!!! I know quite a few "wives" who have degrees that don't work for various reasons.....usually CHILDREN!

I wouldn't worry about it if he isn't worried about it, but have you really soul searched to see if it will eat at you or not?

I would be pissed, but my situation is different. My wife and I paid for her school out of pocket!! We made many sacrifices as a family so she could continue her education and pursue a dream, so if she said "Ah, I don't think I'm going to go back!" I wouldn't force her, but it would cause a major rift that is for sure. I would be quite pissed and question why I and the kids sacrificed for all of those years for what????? 

Good luck!!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Over the years we've been married, we've each been out of work some of the time. If there was enough money to pay the bills and set a little aside, that was all we asked for. The prayer reads "Give us this day our daily bread", not "Give us this day our daily t-bone steak and enough to live on for 20 years after we retire". And sooner or later, another job came along.

Having a job is good for something to get you out of the house and doing something else, but it's not worth making yourself miserable unless you absolutely have to. You don't say what your PhD is in, but maybe you could teach as an adjunct at your nearest college; that way you'd still be using the degree academically, and it may be something you'd like to do.

I got a new computer a while ago (a Mac), and it came with programming tools. I hadn't written a program in a long time, and it's changed a lot since I wrote my first one with punched cards. I mention this because I got a book about programming for a Mac, and it includes a comment about a programmer who had a PhD from Berkeley in astrophysics or something. The author of the book asked the guy if he felt like he'd wasted his time getting that degree, and the answer was "No. Sometimes I get stuck on a problem, and I start to feel stupid. Then I remind myself I have a PhD from Berkeley; I'm not stupid. Some things are hard; no matter how smart you are, some things are just hard." Maybe that's a thought which will benefit you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

VeryShyGirl said:


> I struggle with depending on my husband. I try to make it up to him by doing almost all the chores, showing him how much I love him, etc. The job market is bad, yes, but the fact is I can't fathom going back to a job like that even if one came along. I am SO much happier now and my husband is fully aware of that. He claims he's glad I don't have that job anymore and says my happiness is more important.


Me too! after i moved with my H it was so nice not to have to work a crappy job. i tried to play the house wife but after awhile i realized that was not going to work for me. i hate feeling dependent on my H. and even though my H says it doesnt bother him if i dont work, i know he's lying. he loved it when i used to buy him things. i think that's his love language. so now i feel like there's not much i can do for him. 

I am getting back into it for the money. hopefully it'll be worth it when i can start taking some of the financial burden off my H's shoulders.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

THanks for opening this topic. It's one I think about a bit.

My wife actually outearned me as a hospital administrator and really, it very much bothered her. That's not just an embittered stb-x husband's analysis. . .it's actually a professional analysis that my marriage counselor made after she wrote a 4 page letter to her starting with - "It's not about the money. . ." but then went on for 4 pages about money.

At that point, she told me to throw in the towel - that money was extremely important to my stb-x and it wasn't to me and that we were too far apart on value systems.

It wasn't like I made no money. I contributed 30-40% to the household. I did do a lot to help around the house - I wont go into the list. Women do it everyday and I was happy to help, although sometimes out of being lonely, I did go on the internet too much.

(I never got to read her letter - probably confidential)

Anyway, here are my feelings - I don't think I am comfortable dating/being with another woman who makes more money than me anymore, or at least for awhile. Right now, I admit, my gf has 2 condos and a house, pays for everything cash, and a steady, reliable career, all a result of her hard work and an inheritance.

Sounds like a dream, right, guys? Don't many guys dream of being a kept man?

Except I don't want to be a kept man. Too many bad memories. 

I rather just have a bought and paid for trailer or small condo and be the main provider and the one with assets. Invite someone into my nest, rather than go into a woman's nest. And if a little double wide trailer near the beach isn't the woman's idea of a "white house and picket fence", that's okay too.

I know I shouldn't let it be an issue but after the trauma I have been through, I think I'd match up better with a waitress, a medical assistant, etc. vs. a PhD, nurse, MD, lawyer, accountant, etc.

Women say it doesn't bother them but in reality, I don't think it's the truth a lot of the time.

It's a funny place in time - in many ways, women have gone out and outperformed men in teh workforce. They have acheived parity. Now. . .with divorces, they are the ones paying alimony potentially and discovering that working for a living isn't all it's cracked up to be, that they thought that guys were having fun and games out there in the workforce.

I hope my raw opinion helps.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Actually, Im with a husband who is much more materialistic than I am! Im the one that doesnt concern myself with having the finer things. What my husband used to see as "not a spender" he now sees as not enough of a princess! I dont get manicures or pedicures... do my own if I get around to it and get my hair cut 2 times a year... love my naturally long brilliant hair. 

I think most men feel as scannerguard does... its human nature for men to yearn to be the provider/protector. My friend's husband is far outearned by my friend and it gets to him...and his self esteem. He doesnt take it out on their intimacy as he always wnats her. She, has come to not respect him over 15b years of marriage is sometimes downright irritated with the situation. 

Feminism and "equality" has broken the laws of humans innate tendencies... we a re a generation trying to figure out what all this means and its pissing off members of both sexes in different ways than ever thought could happen.

My opinion is as raw as scannerguard on this...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Toolate:

I actually tried to be all "modern" and not let it bother me she outearned me. Actually more than tried - I would say for years it honestly didn't bother me. I figured I was a good father and it wasn't like I was just sitting on the couch eating grilled cheese sandwiches. I was working. I was runnign the kids to the doctor/dentist, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning floors, doing my best. It really didn't bother me until it started to bother her and she wouldn't be intimate with me because of it.

The funny thing is now that I have dropped the "ball and chain", my earnings are starting to climb. I had the best year ever and that's only from giving up being "Mr. Mom" at Labor Day last year. This year, I may make as much as her.

It's hard how it all gets mixed up in your head - the emotional trauma. Related to my other threads, I derive 36% of my income from my weekend job. One could say it's a moonlighting job but in all reality, it's more than just a little "mad money." It's a significant part of my income. I need the work.

She wants me to take the kids on the weekends.

The problem is that money is based on "availabliity" on weekends, not just being on a schedule. A shift comes open this week, they are dangling $420 out there. They don't want to hear:

"Oh, I have the kids this weekend."

Great - you have the kids. . .NEXT!!!!

They start to hear that a lot. . .well, they just call other people. Pretty soon, I can't even get that 36%. See how it works?

I sometimes think, "Well, I should just make myself less available. . .be with the kids." But. . .I have child support as a reality.

Finally - all the trauma of my stb-x practically mentally abusing me on not making money. . .whenever I am "Mr. Mom" now. . .I just hate it. I just rather be 1 on 1 Dad - father my boys vs. mother them.

There I said it - I don't like taking care of the kids in a "female capacity" anymore, being a "mother." It lowers my self-esteem and it was never appreciated - even now. . .she just sees it as some kind of "divorce entitlement", like she is entitled to a break so she can go date, whatever. 

I guess I don't see it that way.

More raw feelings. . .


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

To the original poster... I guess its ok to be happier doing what you are doing as long as not one child or your marriage suffers because of it. I believe its a wifely duty, that you yourself chose when you began staying at home. As for not using that degree? Thats fine. We grow and change what worked for you then is not what works and makes you happy now. Dont let that bog you down. I have an MSW in family systems and wouldnt ever think of going to that... I only worked as a social worker for a year and I have been out of the workforce for 10 years. I have other interests that Im better suited for, but no time as I spend my days commuting my kids to and from their school. If I left my marriage, I could pursue that dream of mine (home renovations), but only on a very part time basis. If I go back to live near the kids dad, I will end up caring for the kids like a full time mom again, AND I WOULD LOVE THAT more than any job I could get paid for.

So dont feel guilty about not using that degree


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

To scannerguard... I understand the pull between wanting to spend time with your kids and needing to make money especially for you if you are paying child support. Would you be able to have them during the week instead of on weekends explaining to your ex or a judge (who will highly consider this) that in order for you to make your child support payments (judges love this) you need to be available on weekends for that work. Or are you at the point of being bitter and not wanting to see them because you have "raw" feelings about basically providing her free daycare?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Would you be able to have them during the week instead of on weekends explaining to your ex or a judge (who will highly consider this) that in order for you to make your child support payments (judges love this) you need to be available on weekends for that work. Or are you at the point of being bitter and not wanting to see them because you have "raw" feelings about basically providing her free daycare?


Well my attorney, understanding me now finally, has basically said that when he's representing me, he knows that "weekends" are non-negotiable at this point.

And a court can't make me take them for overnights.

I was hoping to get each of them 1 overnight during the week - give them 1 on 1 attention with homework, watch an old movie, or go to the pool. My boys all much rather have 1 night with me per week vs. every other weekend where I have all of them and the baby just gets attended to.

Her claim is that "emotionally harms them" because I am breaking them up during hte week.

Actually, I think the courts favor her - "Take all of them. . .or none of them." My attorney says no. . .if you can make a good argument, a judge would consider it. Still, a few others are saying that he is just telling me what I want to hear.

I may have to resolve myself to just being in their "social orbit" - go to baseball, basketball, and soccer games. I asked if I could volunteer 1 day/week to be a Room Dad for the 1rst grader. Stuff like that.

But overnights. . .I am not physically able to handle them because of work demands.

How much of it is emotional and how much of it is financial. . .I honestly can't say anymore. It's all wrapped up in my head. But attorney would take the angle of financial that you said, when representing me. 

That's why you have someone else represent you. I could make all this emotional plea to the judge and he would say, "Suck it up. . .take them every other weekend." If my atty. says, "He needs this to make his child support.", a judge isn't going to deny me my request.

I don't mind taking them overnight every once in awhile. . .it just can't be a regular thing for the time being.

Unless she wants to drop her child support request (or give me a $420 credit on the weekend I take them). If she drops that, we could maybe deal.

But a woman dropping a child support request is rare.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

PS: I'll continue this discussion privately as I can see it has orginally drifted from the main topic - women working. Sorry for that.

Anyway, you know my thoughts now. As toolate said, don't feel guilty about wasting your degree.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I have a degree and I am a Stay At Home Mom/Housewife. My circumstances are a little different. I was injured at work years ago and was medically retired. I am in my late 30's. I receive workers comp and disability which helps me to feel as though I am still contributing to the family finances. It was difficult at first, I also felt like I was wasting my degree. Physically I am unable to return to the line of work I was in, and I have few options. I love that I get to be the one to raise and take care of our family. 

Earning your degree gave you an education and experience which helped shape who you are today. What is most important, working in the field your piece of paper dictates, or being a fulfilled, happy woman? As long as your husband is on board and the two of you are making decisions together and are both happy with the situation, relish in it. You have an impressive education to fall back on should you ever need to return the the dreaded "rat race".


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

My wife used to make more money than I do. She was incredibly driven, and has slowed down and only works 3 days a week now. 2 of those days are half days. She now fills the role of the housewife, and she has come to really enjoy it. She certainly went through some of the same struggles you are going through. She never had to rely on anyone before, and it took her a long time to get used to it. I will say that I don't care what she does as long as she is happy doing it. We are a team, and as long as her days are productive, I don't care how she spends that time. If he is ok and happy with the situation, then by all means try and get used to accepting it. I know that I really enjoy being taken care of at home while I take care of the bills. 

I think it's something that our society has gotten away from. I believe all homes should have someone there to take care of things. Be it a man or a woman. Houses just run better when someone has more time to do the chores. You are not wasting a degree, you are enjoying your life! Go on and enjoy girl!


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## danieli (Jun 8, 2010)

All I can say is this. I have stayed at home as a mom and took care of the home front and have done the going to work thing as well.. Having done both,Work is always the easier of the two choices IFyou can put your pants on, go to work with a clear mind knowing someone at home has a cooked meal, clean home,laundry, paperwork, bills, and kids all taken care of. But, if you have to come home, open the mail, cook a meal, do homework, carpool, take care of finances, laundry, etc. than that becomes your second job. If I could go to work and come home knowing that all things are taken care of on the home front as above mentioned, I would continue to say that work is my "Happy Place". It represents independence, freedom, and socialization as well as intellect and finances. Caring for a home and family is a neverending, tireless, thankless job with little or no appreciation. If men are willing to share cooking/cleaning/kids ETC ETC, 50/50 as well, then both husband and wife can work, both can bring in income, both could share the duties of the home, then all would be well with the family's world. You can always change jobs or careers of take a leave of absence or sick or personal time. There's NONE of that when taking care of the home and family. Not, at all, fun and games. AMEN!


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## galaxy (Jun 14, 2010)

VeryShyGirl,
Working outside the house or working at home, women derive self worth and pride. 
While there is nothing to feel guilty about, you can always try and be a freelancer and add to the family's kitty.


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