# New member here with a Face Book question



## Reno (Jan 6, 2013)

Thanks for reading my question. Happily married to an attractive wife for 25 years and have older teenage kids. Never had any marriage or cheating problems in all these years but now I'm not sure if I should worry or not.

By chance a few days ago I was looking at my wife's "friends" list on Face Book and noticed that she was friends with an old boy friend from a relationship prior to meeting me. I wasn't happy to see it so I also looked on her Linkined account and noticed his name there also.

This guy lives states away and I'm sure she hasn't seen him since before us getting together 25 years ago. I've never snooped into her phone but when I had a chance recently I checked out her Face Book page and noticed that she and this guy have had several private messages going back and forth over the last few years. Nothing sexy, romantic or hooking up like messages, just comments like Happy Birthday, looks like your enjoying your vacation, Old friend related questions and stuff like that. 

I also notice she has his contact/address info in her email contact list. So far I haven't seen any sign of her emailing or phoneing/texting him but anything old would be hard to find.

Do I bring up my concern about this up or do I just keep an eye on her activities? I hate the thought of our family being on vacation posting Face Book pictures and this guy commenting to her via private messages. Although she would be embarrassed by all this I know she would flip out if she knew I went through her phone. 

Thanks for any comments.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You should get some good advice here. That is a tough one. My gut thought is to just keep an eye on it. If you have a solid relationship it should not be a problem, but a real solid relationship would include conversations about past relationships and recent reconnections with those people. 

Are you sensing any emotional detachment by your wife? If so, that is a sign of trouble.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Wow, several ideas come to mind here. 

1) (in)Security - when it comes to snooping around on phones, PCs, etc, I have no desire to check anything on my wife's devices. I am confident in my position with her so I don't worry if she is chattin' or chatting or texting or sexting. I know she has the best, so why waste my time worrying about the rest?

2) Carelessness - I would hope your wife, and you too, are more careful about account security with work, credit/debit accounts, etc, than with Facebook/Myspace/pickyourownsocialnetwork accounts. Password laziness and password weakness are the cause of most security beaches.

3) Man Up - IF you satisfy her needs why would she need any affection from any one else? Do YOU message her, text her, sext her? Despite 25 years, or especially because of that time, you gotta be on your A Game, and keep dating your mate, keep working at enticing her and seducing her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep an eye on thing and stay quit.

This tactic will keep the peace for now and furture colvert operations will tell you you what kind of confrontation you will need to have.

So chill, keep watch and look for more red flags.

This tactic will prevent her from going deeper underground, now you need to see whats really going before approaching the issue. 

If it starts to get sexual..kind of bullcrap fantasy stuff then you can confront her lack of boundries.

If it start to go towrds personel stuff like marriage issues then you can confront her emotional issues

If it starts to go towards "I love you" and 'I miss you" then you will have to go nuclear with your confrontation.

In short find out what you are confronting your wife with before you confront your wife?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Keep an eye on it but stay quiet.

It's probably nothing but like someone else said if you just observe for now it will keep it from going deeper underground.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Most posts say to stay covert here. If your gut is suspicious good advise.

The world is changing fast so couples need to update their boundaries with the changing times. My wife recently friended an old boyfriend on FB, she was not covert about it and claims she told me about it when she received the request. I do not do FB so if she did I did not understand the implications. When I did finally understand what that meant I went ballistic. Insisted she immediately defreind and go NC. 

She claims it is no big deal and I don't understand. All a need to know is that it is a persistent connection. I have absolutely no interest in keeping in contact with any past relationships. A couple of times I have received phone calls or emails. Emails I do not respond to and phone calls I have been polite, informed my wife and never made any attempt to continue communication.

If as a couple if you agree that being in constant 24/7 contact with past relationships is healthy for your marriage, go for it. I do not know if there is a consensus on this issue yet on TAM. I suspect most would agree this is extremely dangerous. 

In high school or college where relationships are frequently measures in weeks and occur often within social circles, NC is probably unrealistic. An adult marriage is different.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You'll get zero positive relationship points for bringing it up, in fact, you'll lose points. On the other hand, *if she changes the password to her accounts, bring down the hammer.*

T


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm sorry that I took down my original thread. Long story short: I had a similar issue almost 3 years ago. I went nuclear. I blocked his e-mail address, blocked him on Facebook (actually, I blocked Facebook at the router, no one had Facebook for a year in my house). Spoke with my wife about being in contact with an Ex without my knowing about it was unacceptable. Went a week without speaking. Things are fine now and she never contacted him again, but it's clear, no EX's. No good can come from getting reacquainted with EX's.

Edit: if I were you, I would talk with your wife about it and request that it end now. If your gut is bothering you, do something about it. Being passive usually looses people their spouses.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I also think that monitoring is the best course

You may bot have anything to worry about but by monitoring you can be sure

I believe that the only real privacy in a marriage is in the bathroom


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I think many women want to be special friends with past romantic partners. Why exactly? Who knows. I certainly don't think that all women want to sleep with ex boyfriends, but it's not a good idea to reignite old flames, IMO.


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## Tall Guy (Jan 6, 2013)

My experience is that these Social Networks can be extremely dangerous. What may start out innocently can grow into something else. Look out for other sites to meet people ie Badoo, Zoosk and the like.

My wife and I have only realized now after these sites almost destroyed our marriage. Be very careful.

Single piece of advice just communicate with your wife so that she doesn't have the need to visit these sites and make "friends".


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

I think before doubt on your wife you should check the all the aspects, the they are normal friend of your wife...?


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I would sit down and talk to her about it instead of continuing to sneak around behind her back. 
If you've read the messages and there's nothing to suggest she's having even an emotional affair with this person, I don't see why you would have cause to worry after 25 faithful years with her, unless there is something else going on in your marriage that you haven't shared here.

My partner has quite a few of his exes on his facebook page, because they did stay friends after they broke up. He always lets me read the messages (and texts if he gets them), and he's not secretive about it at all.
As long as he's open and communicating with me, I don't have a problem with it.


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## Reno (Jan 6, 2013)

Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I'm just bothered that after 25 years of a nearly perfect marriage she would even need to "friend" this person. I'm not sure if he found her or if she located him. I almost want to ask her if she would be comfortable enough in this situation to explain it to our kids. (I wouldn't) 

I guess I'm just the kind of person that worries over these things. I hate the fact that she's doing it behind my back. Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Reno said:


> Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.


That's the whole point. Why wouldn't she mention it? 

She's keeping it from you because she knows in the back of her mind it may be crossing your boundaries. She chose to do it because it's exciting. She does it discreetly so she won't get a confrontation from you. 

Exes are exes for a reason. You will need to have a discussion with her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If there is a continued detachment by her in your relationship, then I would continue to remain discreet in monitoring her activities on FB, her email, and her phone texting and calling records. Have you yet done an analysis on her phone call and texting activity with this guy over the past couple of years? Has she made any business trips to the general vicinity of his locale?

Please do this now if you haven't already! Being an ever-trusting dupe, I was just too trusting in my relationship with my STBXW to ever suspect anything until long after the separation occurred.

Stay on top of things until such time that you reach some form of personal resolution~ but do not, under any conditions, repeat those mistakes that I so trustingly made! 

Always trust your gut instinct!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Reno said:


> Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I'm just bothered that after 25 years of a nearly perfect marriage she would even need to "friend" this person. I'm not sure if he found her or if she located him. I almost want to ask her if she would be comfortable enough in this situation to explain it to our kids. (I wouldn't)
> 
> I guess I'm just the kind of person that worries over these things. I hate the fact that she's doing it behind my back. Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.


One thing you haven't told us is: What are you going to do about this? Have you talked to her yet? Are you going to get answers to your questions? You need to have a calm, open and honest discussion about this; being passive about this could very well be the death knell for your marriage.

Based on your first posting, you can't be accused of snooping on her, you got this from public information (is this correct?). Approach her calmly. Let her know you are not comfortable with this reacquaintance and you would like her to end contact (if that's what you want). Once you do that, judge the reaction. Her reaction will tell you how deep this has gone. 

When this happened to me and I approached my wife with the question, "Why didn't you tell me about him contacting you"?, I got the answer: "I didn't know I needed your permission to talk to some one." That's when I had to leave the house for 1/2 hour to cool off. The ultimate end result after 5 days of not speaking (she was pissed because I found out via snooping, sort of) there was no further contact.

I'm really not sure what your whole opinion is about this situation or how strongly to feel about it, but letting it go is not a good choice, your need to discuss it with her. Ex-lovers and opposite sex friends can be a poison for a marriage. Even to one as long lasting and good as yours (and mine, we have similarities). Don't think your wife isn't incapable of an indiscretion, *any woman (or man) can be seduced under the right circumstances*, you need to be vigilant. At the very least, don't be passive about this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Follow your gut in this one, but search within yourself whether you feel something is off, or if your emotions are just playing up.

This is a red flag however:


> Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.


I have to parrot anchorwatch's question because I'm curious myself; why wouldn't/didn't she mention it?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Reno, Here's a post from another member, F-102, about what could happen over time in these interactions. Maybe a very short period of time. 



F-102 said:


> Time for me to dust off one of my old posts. It was originally written to a man whose W had reconnected with an old flame on F**kbook:
> 
> Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be innocent, but soon they will morph into:
> 
> ...


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Tall Guy said:


> My experience is that these Social Networks can be extremely dangerous. What may start out innocently can grow into something else. Look out for other sites to meet people ie Badoo, Zoosk and the like.
> 
> My wife and I have only realized now after these sites almost destroyed our marriage. Be very careful.


the websites didnt almost destroy your marriage....YOU DID!

websites are only tools, nobody says you have to use them,

that would be like blaming cigerettes because i got lung cancer, or blaming alcohol because my liver is destroyed, or blaming my kitchen knife because i stabbed someone


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Add an old girlfriend to your Facebook, just say hi, blah, blah blah, just the usual stuff, nothing personal. Then wait. Your wife will find it soon enough, trust me on that. If she asks, just say you wanted to see how an old friend is doing, don't reveal what you've found in her Facebook, let's see how far she takes *your* Facebook female friend issue.

T


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Don't think your wife is incapable of an indiscretion, *any woman (or man) can be seduced under the right circumstances*, you need to be vigilant. At the very least, don't be passive about this.


^^^^^
THIS right there is the crux of the matter.
I can't understand how people " suddenly " feel the need to post aspects of their private life on social networks like fb in an effort to get validation from god - knows - who.
In addition to that, she's been having contact with him both on fb and on her phone. 
Please check your phone records.
Why would she have him as one of her phone contacts?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

do you have any other indications that things are amiss in your marriage?

the fact that this old ex info appears several places in your wife's online stuff isn't necessarily an indication of anything other than the way online stuff connects one to the other once there is one link. I get linkedin stuff all the time from people I knew long ago.

You will hear from people who will give dire examples of relationships gone on the rocks from social media and advising stern measures. I liken these warnings to those who advise anyone who takes a drink will become an alcoholic. While it is true all alcoholics started with a drink or two, it is not true everyone who takes a drink now and then becomes alcoholic. Same goes for use of social media.

So, are there other signs, other behaviors, other indicators things may be going wrong in the relationship? 

Becoming sneaky and checking up on her covertly brings its own set of issues with trust between partners.

Have you asked in a casual and nonthreatening way about her friends on Facebook or if she ever hears from old exes on any social media? Lots of ways to couch that conversation in a non threatening way.

You will also hear from some who just don't understand the whole social media thing and posting what they consider private, personal information for others to see. These are legitimate concerns and culturally we are all learning how to interact with these new options provided by technology but that is no reason to condemn behavior simply because you don't understand "why would anyone do that?" I don't understand why people smoke or like to eat brussel sprouts but that doesn't make what they do wrong.

You are using social media yourself to air your concerns over a personal problem.

Time to resolve this face-to-face with your wife before this builds out of proportion in your own mind and you take actions that may cause further problems and, if there is something amiss in her contact with this ex, openly deal with it now before she may take actions that could cause future problems.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> ^^^^^
> THIS right there is the crux of the matter.
> I can't understand how people " suddenly " feel the need to post aspects of their private life on social networks like fb in an effort to get validation from god - knows - who.
> In addition to that, she's been having contact with him both on fb and on her phone.
> ...


You know, the more I think about it, the thing that bothered me the most when my wife did this is that she didn't discuss it with me first. My reaction might have been completely different if we had discussed this. Putting my foot down and not wanting any contact between them was best in the end but openness could have lead to a different result. 

I wonder if the OP is going to even discuss this with his wife or not, he seemed concerned about her reactions.


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## January (Jan 5, 2013)

I am not friends--in real life or on Facebook--with any ex boyfriends. I have no reason to be. An ex is an ex for a reason. From the way you described the situation, I can't see anything "too wrong" right now. But, if I were you, I would definitely keep an eye on things. Just try to not completely over obsess about it. Keep calm and monitor.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> *You know, the more I think about it, the thing that bothered me the most when my wife did this is that she didn't discuss it with me first.* My reaction might have been completely different if we had discussed this. Putting my foot down and not wanting any contact between them was best in the end but openness could have lead to a different result.
> 
> I wonder if the OP is going to even discuss this with his wife or not, he seemed concerned about her reactions.


:iagree:

You see,
When people are not honest with themselves, how can they be honest with their spouse?
There is a reason your wife didn't discuss it, and there is a reason the OP's wife didn't discuss it either.
It's the feeling they get, knowing they are " tasting the forbidden fruit", all by themselves. It is basically a type of selfishness.
Some people just like the titillating feeling they get from standing on a ledge and looking over... 
The never intend to take the leap, but if a man [ the OM ] is suave and smooth enough,
he makes them jump even before they can think about jumping.
I think that is called " the fog"


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think if you are uncomfortable with this, she should delete this ex as a "friend." No good can come of it. It's about protecting the marriage.

I had a co-worker who was happily married with children. Her high school ex be-friended her on FB & she accepted. An EA started, then PA. He was married with a family. They both left their spouses & destroyed 2 good families in the process. No happy ending, just a mess now.

All she had to do was "deny" his FB friend request.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Another OP gone missing


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Reno said:


> Thanks for reading my question. Happily married to an attractive wife for 25 years and have older teenage kids. Never had any marriage or cheating problems in all these years but now I'm not sure if I should worry or not.
> 
> By chance a few days ago I was looking at my wife's "friends" list on Face Book and noticed that she was friends with an old boy friend from a relationship prior to meeting me. I wasn't happy to see it so I also looked on her Linkined account and noticed his name there also.
> 
> ...


Before the tirade of negative posts here talk to your wife first  you are one of her facebook friends, right?

I don't use FB much at all these days nor does my wife, but we both are each others friends. I have a ex or two she does too and one of them is my friend too.

A message maybe once every 6 months we are all happily married these days. My wife and I routinely look at our life and laugh how lucky we are, happy we are, and "normal" compared to all of the psycho stuff happening out there.

Only you can say what you are comfortable with imo. Talk with your wife first!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I'm really not sure what your whole opinion is about this situation or how strongly to feel about it, but letting it go is not a good choice, your need to discuss it with her. Ex-lovers and opposite sex friends can be a poison for a marriage. Even to one as long lasting and good as yours (and mine, we have similarities). Don't think your wife isn't incapable of an indiscretion, *any woman (or man) can be seduced under the right circumstances*, you need to be vigilant. At the very least, don't be passive about this.




this is true. Plus, some people who stray aren't doing it because they fell out of love or are miserable in their marriage, but simply because they would like to explore another side of themselves while having the security of their marriage with them.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Another OP gone missing


I think he got what he was looking for. No?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> this is true. Plus, some people who stray aren't doing it because they fell out of love or are miserable in their marriage, *but simply because they would like to explore another side of themselves while having the security of their marriage with them.*


:iagree:

Yes!

They want to eat " _the Forbidden Frui_t " whilst in a secure relationship.
They listen to the advice toxic friends who babble about " freedom " and
" exploring their sexuality etc ,"
They don't understand that these people's lives are miserable , and misery loves company.
But perception is not always an indication of reality.
It's like a Pandora's box.
They have everything and yet their minds trick them into thinking there must be something else.
They don't understand that there _is _something else....
But it's not what they think it is.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I think he got what he was looking for. No?


:lol:

Ha ha!


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