# I want to save it, he doesn't....



## fcsgrl09 (Jul 11, 2012)

Hello. I am new here, but I am also new to marriage in general.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and have been married for 9 months. 

About a month after our wedding a had a breakdown. (note: it was not because I married him. It was do to the selfishness of my family and the stress the placed on me during the whole process of planning my wedding and my wedding day) I was diagnosed with depression disorder and well as an anxiety disorder. I spent 3 month in an outpatient therapy program and have been working with a therapist to get back to myself again. It must have been so hard for my husband to deal with and I understand that. About 2 months ago I finally started coming out of it and becoming ME again. I was feeling great I started working out again. Started wanting to do things and was getting out of the house. It was great. Until about a week and a half ago...

My husband said that he wanted a divorce. He said that we don't have a passionate and intimate sex life. That we never had. Which I agree with. There were times it was passionate but those are few and far between. I didn't know passion was so important, until the moment, to my husband. Our sex life isn't great, it could be better but when going through depression it kills your libido which I was just starting to get back as well. He told me that he needs that kind of sexual relationship in his life and since we have never had that he feels it is not something that we could ever have. He said that if he stays married to me that he feels he will try to find it elsewhere and cheat on me. He refuses to work on our relationship. He refuses to go to counseling. He refuses to try anything. He said that I am his best friend and that the other part of our relationship are good. He said that I am not his lover and that he needs a lover and a friend to be with. 

He has moved into our guest bedroom and started the process of separation. He told me that he is planning on filing for divorce next week. It will be at least 6 months before the divorce is final in our state. I told him that I will agree to the divorce and not contest it. 

He keeps telling me that he loves me and I am his best friend and he does not want to lose me as his best friend. He stopped kissing me and is not wearing his wedding ring anymore.

I have told him I don't want the divorce. That I am willing to work on our relationship and the things that are missing from it. 

I'm devastated. I don't know what to do. This came out of nowhere. I am so hurt that he won't even try to fix it. 

Today my therapist told me I should fight for my marriage. She feels that the issue that he has can be worked on, can be fixed.

I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are here FCS.

Do you think he already has found someone else he is interested in? I'm sorry, but this story reeks of an EA/PA. 

Has he said the magic words, ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you)?


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Sounds very tough, I'm also wondering about ISH's questions.


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## fcsgrl09 (Jul 11, 2012)

I don't know if there is an affair to be honest. I have asked him. He says there is no one else.

He has not said that he is not in love with me.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I asked my STBXH twice if he was having an affair. He denied twice. But, of course, he was lying. 

What are your instincts telling you? Have you noticed any red flags?


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## fcsgrl09 (Jul 11, 2012)

I'm really not sure. I haven't noticed anything weird.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Just wanted to add that I understand some of what you're going through. 

At the beginning of my marriage, I was depressed due to problems that I was having in grad school. The depression lasted for about two years...my libido was very low during this time. My STBXH said that we should try counseling but never made moves to go. 

But then he would complain about all of the sexual things that I wasn't doing for him. How I wasn't making an effort to please him sexually. That's partially true as half of the blame had to do with the depression and I didn't know how to cope. The other half--my share of the blame--was that I had resentment towards him since I felt that he wasn't supporting me (emotionally) through the down time in my life. 

Still, once I did make efforts to improve our sex life (and was going to IC for help as well), he then said that I wasn't doing enough. But he would never tell me what "enough" was. He told me to "figure it out". It was always a guessing game with him. I know now that it was just part of his many many manipulations. 

By this time, he was engaged in a full-blown PA with a co-worker. So he was comparing me to her (without my knowledge, of course). There was no way that I could win.


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## fcsgrl09 (Jul 11, 2012)

It's so weird that we are talking about this. My husband just called me and asked if I thought he was cheating on me and that is the reason he is doing this. I told him I wasn't sure. He said that both of his sisters asked him that question and thought that I had told them that when I hadn't. He said he is trying to avoid cheating on me and he knows in his heart this is the right thing to do. I told him that cheating is the first thing that anyone says once the find out what is going on. Even complete strangers.
I now know he is not cheating. If he was he wouldn't have even brought up the conversation he had with his sisters to me. He also wouldn't have gotten so mad about it. When he is lying he is sweet and nice. He doesn't yell.


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## NeedHelp_ (May 29, 2012)

IMO, if you can be a 100% sure there is NO affair. You should really fight to save the marriage. I agree with your therapist and this may be something that can be fixed. Divorce is *very * painful and should be last resort. Best of luck!


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i feel like if he's not having an affair but not willing to work on it, there's something he's not telling you. are there any other issues that could be making him reluctant that you can think of?


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> i feel like if he's not having an affair but not willing to work on it, there's something he's not telling you.



:iagree:


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> i feel like if he's not having an affair but not willing to work on it, there's something he's not telling you. are there any other issues that could be making him reluctant that you can think of?


I also feel he is not coming clean and beating around the bush. I used this type of language with my wife, and never told her how I felt, what I really needed. It sounds like he is making you the bad guy by accusing you of involving his family, and placing guilt and blame on you. This could be an attempt to keep hidden what the real issue is... ie. EA/PA. 

Have you started IC? Sometimes the perspective of a disinterested professional can help you approach your husband regarding the unspoken. In the end though he may be moving on regardless of how you approach it. I believe you need to do continue identifying the problems you have, work on them, as this will help you cope if he continues the divorce, or decides to reconcile. I wish you well... I've been in your shoes. It sucks.


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