# "I don't think I ever loved you"



## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

I posted this on another's thread and thought I should start my own. Anyone ever get that ridiculous statement?

H has finally decided divorce is the solution after I insisted on an answer. i knew he checked out a long time ago but i always hoped, you know? i had to insist on an answer because he'd been saying he needed to move out again (we were separated a year ago) and i can't live in limbo any longer. it's too hard emotionally and physically. but it's so damned disappointing that this is his answer. i got the ilybinilwy speech, and he even went beyond that, saying he never loved me. but there's no evidence of an affair and he denies it vehemently. he had a short emotional affair over a year ago, but says that's long done (the woman left his work and I am able to check his texts/laptop). i'm convinced then he's in fantasyland, that life will be so much better without me.

i still can't believe it. we're married 20 years with a preteen son. it's so sad and makes me angry too, because he's had one foot out the door emotionally our whole marriage and now HE decides to leave? hearing his decision felt like the death of someone who has had a terminal illness for many many years. someone said it must be a relief to get an answer after so long, but it's certainly not.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm in pretty much the same boat, heard it all. I am doing my best to accept our relationship is over and that I have to move on. No evidence of her heating either, although last spring she admitted to having "passing thoughts" of doing just that. Tough some days, but getting easier. Always doing my best to move forward.

Have you and your husband seen an MC? Is he open to that?


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

we've seen about 10 counselors over many years, alone and together. ironically the one we see now (separately at this point) is the best. cut thru all the bs, got to the point and was sincerely disappointed in h's decision. we went to retrovaille too which h thought was a waste of time. it's clear to me he made up his mind a long time ago and was just going thru the motions. 

i'm sorry you're in the same boat. yes we have to move on, i am busy with my own interests and feeling better every day. i am surrounded by people who love me and that helps tremendously!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

cabbage65 said:


> i'm convinced then he's in fantasyland, that life will be so much better without me.
> 
> i still can't believe it. we're married 20 years with a preteen son. it's so sad and makes me angry too, because he's had one foot out the door emotionally our whole marriage and now HE decides to leave? hearing his decision felt like the death of someone who has had a terminal illness for many many years. someone said it must be a relief to get an answer after so long, but it's certainly not.


Sorry you ended up here too. You will find that there are many of us that have been married 15, 20, 25+ yrs and that their spouses are walking away. 

It may not feel like a relief now but it will (I pray it will! when we wrap our heads around it). There are a lot of supportive men/women on here that you can lean on. The men will help you feel that not all men are like your H (or mine) and the women off great support.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

thanks mama i'm already surprised with the posts how others feel just like i do. my marriage has been a weary battle. i can see why relief will eventually come. i'm still at the mind boggled stage, just angry and disappointed. i won't talk to him, and can't wait for him to move out. as long as he is hellbent on divorce, i need to get thru this w/out him, but with loved ones. what freaking timing too, our 20th annv. this month. valentine's was fairly easy, as it never meant anything in our house anyway.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Cabbage, there never would be a good time for ending a marriage. My H wanted to wait until the holidays were over... why? It is damaging no matter when. The older kids had a horrible holiday time and the little ones had a tolerable one because of the big kids(and myself when I had the strength) trying to distract the little ones.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

you're right of course. though the 20th is pretty significant and he moves out the day after. just sad. h said he wanted to wait til after the holidays too...oh so this time is better??? 

i can't imagine having to deal with several kids' emotions, i have the one, adopted from russia. i don't know what i'd do without him. how many to do you have?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like it's been over for awhile and he just put the last nail in the coffin. From your own words you said you knew he'd checked out long ago. 

Somehwere along the line you started to convince yourself things were better than what the reality was. In the future, don't do that. 

File for divorce and begin to move on with your life. You deserve better.

Limbo is basically another word for Hell.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

thanks jelly i was wondering, should i file? someone told me to wait til he does...i need to call a lawyer....


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

cabbage65 said:


> you're right of course. though the 20th is pretty significant and he moves out the day after. just sad. h said he wanted to wait til after the holidays too...oh so this time is better???
> 
> i can't imagine having to deal with several kids' emotions, i have the one, adopted from russia. i don't know what i'd do without him. how many to do you have?


Very cool about adopting from Russia. Did you get to go pick him up? 

check your private messages...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cabbage65 said:


> thanks jelly i was wondering, should i file? someone told me to wait til he does...i need to call a lawyer....


I would. You've been in limbo long enough. Protect yourself cause he no longer has your best interests.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i'm not completely convinced there's no affair. yet no sex and wearing no ring for a long time. when i asked him, he said he doesn't have time for one. gosh that's SO reassuring!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I don't think it matters who files, maybe it does in different states? Anyone know?

Definitely start talking to lawyers and look for some bulldog. Find out about retainers they vary. Ask friends for reference... the one I will probably use is the one that was referred to because his wife used this one against him and that this one was a "bulldog"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It doesn't matter who files first. The judge will grant it regardless.

Cabbage, he may be having one and he may not. Somtehing I did when I couldn't get 100% proof was just assume the worst. I figured, "Well, if he is, then he is and that's that. It doesn't change the fact that we are getting divorced." That way, there were not suprises. I just assumed the worst. It was helpful, actually.

Start thinking practically and get your ducks in a row. Fast.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

the only thing i'm thinking of with him having an affair is it could be used in the divorce in my state. i wish i knew someone who had a good lawyer, going to start asking around.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The thing I see is not the "I never loved you" part, it's the "I think" part. Either you did or you didn't. Doesn't seem to be a lot of gray area around that. Why be wishy washy - that almost seems more cruel.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

definitely cruel. i was so tired of all the "i need time" and "i'm struggling" BS!! for years. last week he said he just wanted to see the counselor one more time and i was like WHY what is he going to tell you? so we went and when i asked him again he said he still needs time. wtf (sorry) does he think i am??? someone to just dangle along?? i had to get an answer then, and not another minute later. so selfish. sorry i feel bitter today. i'll be ok.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cabbage65 said:


> the only thing i'm thinking of with him having an affair is it could be used in the divorce in my state.


Most states are no-fault so whether someone cheats or not has no bearing on the divorce. 

Re: him giving the ol' "I need more time" line--it's classic 
bullsh!t. He prob already knew he wanted out but was stringing you along "in case" he had a change of mind. That's pretty screwed up if you ask me.

You can use the yellow pages or Google to find a lawyer. Or word of mouth. But either way I would get on that soon.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

tx jelly, agreed screwed up!! i will get on it thank you.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

and there is fault divorce in my state.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

cabbage, yeah when your spouse says they have never loved you it is a sure sign that they have rewritten history. When they rewrite history it is to deal with the cognitive dissonance of some course of action they are taking, one that has divereged from the course you were on together. Most likely an affair, possibly not but just as threatening to the existence of a relationship either way.

If he is checked out, not all in, let him go. And do what it takes to make sure you get to keep what belongs to you.


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