# Updates on "Young Sexless Married Couple. What do I do?"



## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

*7 months ago a created a post* *Young Sexless Married Couple. What do I do? where I shared with you my frustation with the fact that my husband didn't want sex anymore... 

Well, 7 months later. I'm still at the same situation. Even worst, now I know why. I recently discovered that he actually watch porn 2 to 3 times per week and when I live the country to see my family (I'm from France) he sees escorts. *

Apparently, he started to watching porn 3 years ago (exactly when he stopped asking for sex) and he started seeing escorts every time I would live the country 2/3 times per year. Since then, he hasn't initiate sex once and the few times I would initiate sex will be very fast and not very enjoyable... And he knows I would never cheat on him. He knows I don't have sex if I don't have sex with him but he still does his own thing leaving me with nothing. I just feel like it's a little selfish. I might be wrong, honestly I don't know anymore.

Because except our sexless life, everything is good in our relationship. I don't understand why he prefer porn instead of having sex with me. I don't know why he started watching porn at the first place. I never said no for sex! never. I don't know. I even told him, I'll watch porn with him if it excite him but he wasn't happy about the idea and two weeks later he went back to watching porn again...

I am lost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Snoopy2 *

I merged your two threads. It's best to have one thread for a topic. You'll get better input that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does your husband say about what he's doing? Why does he say that he does not want to have sex with you?

While you say that everything else in your relationship is good, I would think that him not wanting sex with you should outweigh everything else. The diffrence between most relationship/friendships and marriage is taht in marriage there is sex. Sex is the center of any marriage.

Have you considered divorce?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You seem to be focusing on the porn and lack of sex while playing down the fact that he regularly goes to prostitutes. Why would you want to be with a guy who is a serial cheater? 
Please leave this awful man.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

What do you do? Get rid of him! Do you really want to be with a cheat who prefers escorts over you?


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## Justsurviving85 (Nov 8, 2020)

I’m a 57 year old man but have to agree with those that say kick his sorry a## to the curb. Many people think porn is harmless and will spice up your sex life. It may spice things up for a bit but the ending is rarely good. Before long regular run of the mill porn doesn’t do the trick for him and his imagination goes wild as he watches what is a very unrealistic view of sex. He may then desire things he’s afraid you will frown on so off to the escort he goes. I’m far, far from a perfect husband and yes I went through a short period of watching porn but thankfully realized the more I watched the more poison I was injecting into our marriage. My marriage was far more important to me than watching fake sex online.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i do not understand how a man can not have sex with his wife but then goes and pays for sex with another woman. 

Obviously, he still likes sex (since he is paying for it), and can still have sex.

Is there any chance he has acquired a sexually transmitted disease, and does not want you to catch it?

Otherwise i am drawing a blank on why he would act that way.

Is his porn heterosexual porn? I mean, his escorts are not Male Escorts, are they? i.e. you are not getting any sex because he has become gay


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i do not understand how a man can not have sex with his wife but then goes and pays for sex with another woman.
> 
> Obviously, he still likes sex (since he is paying for it), and can still have sex.
> 
> ...


It's heterosexual, I was also afraid of that but he is watching and seeing women.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> What does your husband say about what he's doing? Why does he say that he does not want to have sex with you?
> 
> While you say that everything else in your relationship is good, I would think that him not wanting sex with you should outweigh everything else. The diffrence between most relationship/friendships and marriage is taht in marriage there is sex. Sex is the center of any marriage.
> 
> Have you considered divorce?


He said that he doesn't know why and that he's trying his best to fix the problem... 

When I say everything else is that we are a successful couple, we support each other, we accomplish our goals, we travel... I like that about us.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Justsurviving85 said:


> I’m a 57 year old man but have to agree with those that say kick his sorry a## to the curb. Many people think porn is harmless and will spice up your sex life. It may spice things up for a bit but the ending is rarely good. Before long regular run of the mill porn doesn’t do the trick for him and his imagination goes wild as he watches what is a very unrealistic view of sex. He may then desire things he’s afraid you will frown on so off to the escort he goes. I’m far, far from a perfect husband and yes I went through a short period of watching porn but thankfully realized the more I watched the more poison I was injecting into our marriage. My marriage was far more important to me than watching fake sex online.


it look like you went though this period. So you think it's possible that he will completely stop?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> He said that he doesn't know why and that he's trying his best to fix the problem...
> 
> When I say everything else is that we are a successful couple, we support each other, we accomplish our goals, we travel... I like that about us.


A successful couple isn't one where one of them is a serial cheat. He is having sex with prostitutes. Why are you still with the this awful man? Why do you let him treat you so terribly?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Snoopy2 said:


> He said that he doesn't know why and that he's trying his best to fix the problem...
> 
> When I say everything else is that we are a successful couple, we support each other, we accomplish our goals, we travel... I like that about us.


That part that you describe as "successful" is you two just being friends. That's great, but SEX is what actually makes a marriage more than just friends. And he is purposefully taking all of his sexual energy and spending it on himself with other women (porn and actual cheating). 

He DOES know why, he just doesn't want to tell you the reason because he might lose you...which he should. 

What you've described is a serious problem for him, it's like an addiction. What would you do if he were ignoring you to get high on drugs all the time? Or if he was drunk all the time?? Would you stay and put up with it? 

Because you are allowing him to cheat on you, and to neglect the very thing that makes you a couple. 

He KNOWS how to fix it, he just doesn't want to.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> A successful couple isn't one where one of them is a serial cheat. He is having sex with prostitutes. Why are you still with the this awful man? Why do you let him treat you so terribly?


It's not that easy to leave him. I've been with him for 5 years, we invested together, we live together, he is the reason I', in the United States. Without him, I'm alone. I don't have much family. And he helped me a lot in my life, i don't want to be ungrateful for everything he've done for me. He always buys me everything I need and when I wasn't working he helped me so I could go to school and accomplish my goals... you wouldn't do that to a friend would you? I can't just leave...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is good that he is not gay! at least you technically have a chance.

are you up for an experiment?
Ask him to show you one of his favorite porn movies. Make sure he knows that you will not judge him on it, no matter how kinky it is.

watch a few minutes of it, and then do whatever is on the screen to him, in the same way the porn movie star does it.

it would be you role-playing being a porn star for him, and who knows, that might massively turn him on, and snap him out of this sexless marriage crap.

Of course this does not solve the fact of him cheating with prostitutes....but if he turns to you, instead of porn or escorts....then there is a chance of reconciliation

He gets something out of the porn and escorts, and you want to figure out what that is, and if you are capable of providing it instead


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Snoopy2 said:


> It's not that easy to leave him. I've been with him for 5 years, we invested together, we live together, he is the reason I', in the United States. Without him, I'm alone. I don't have much family. And he helped me a lot in my life, i don't want to be ungrateful for everything he've done for me. He always buys me everything I need and when I wasn't working he helped me so I could go to school and accomplish my goals... you wouldn't do that to a friend would you? I can't just leave...


If you won't leave over this, he will never stop.

Whatever you are willing to accept, that is what you are going to get from him.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> If you won't leave over this, he will never stop.
> 
> Whatever you are willing to accept, that is what you are going to get from him.


maybe i can tell him that I need a break, maybe he took me for granted because he knows I won't leave him. Maybe if I tell him I need a break with him he would realize what he's doing?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> it is good that he is not gay! at least you technically have a chance.
> 
> are you up for an experiment?
> Ask him to show you one of his favorite porn movies. Make sure he knows that you will not judge him on it, no matter how kinky it is.
> ...


This will NEVER WORK. He has been with escorts!! This is much bigger than a porn issue - porn was his "gateway drug".

This is like when I told my alcoholic first husband that all his drinking problems would be solved if he only had 3 beers in one night, and I would be the one who would police that for him. I was 22, and I thought that plan was perfect! But I also drank very little alcohol and had NO concept of not being able to stop.

Needless to say, it was a massive failure.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Snoopy2 said:


> maybe i can tell him that I need a break, maybe he took me for granted because he knows I won't leave him. Maybe if I tell him I need a break with him he would realize what he's doing?


He took you for granted, but also I really believe that he is addicted to what he is doing...I believe he would be struggling with this if he was alone or with a different woman too.

You can try telling him you want to take a break, that might shock him into really trying to fix this problem, so he can keep you.

But you need to realize this is NOT as simple as him just stopping...this has become a serious issue and will likely be lifelong for him, and for you if you stay. It is possible to deal with it and have a long, happy marriage in spite of it, but HE has to be committed to avoiding all of that every day.

You need to read online about porn addiction - for some people, it's as destructive and painful as drug or alcohol addiction.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Snoopy2 said:


> Because except our sexless life, everything is good in our relationship. I don't understand why he prefer porn instead of having sex with me. I don't know why he started watching porn at the first place.


When you read about behaviors associated with porn, some people associate it with addictions. While it can be problematic to think of sexuality as something like drug abuse, but it can be helpful to see it in this perspective.

Making love to one's wife = Something healthy and wonderful
Jerking off to porn = An escape mechanism from pain/depression as a way to self medicate

So take the two scenarios above which both involve a sexual response and try to appreciate that one has nothing to do with the other. Now ask yourself if your husband is struggling with stress/depression/anxiety? Right now with how things are in the world, it is reasonable to understand that we all are dealing with a great deal of stress/depression/anxiety. The question then becomes asking if there is a better way to cope with this instead of abusing the body's sexual response as an escape mechanism. 

If this is what is happening, helping your husband with stress may reduce his use of porn without any improvement of sex in your marriage. It is important to acknowledge that these two things may not be related.

Correlation ≠ causation.

Working on improving sex in your marriage and helping your husband with problematic behavior towards porn/escorts are likely going to be handled as two separate issues even though it all feels like it is the same topic of sex. 

As for improving sex in your marriage, I would suggest mutual masturbation even if it is just done by you while he observes. The idea is that you want him to see you trying to share your sexuality with him in a way that he will not feel pressured to make you happy. You take responsibility for your own pleasure and share with him. Hopefully he will respond to that because it will not be something that puts him under and stress/anxiety to perform sexually for you. Instead he can respond to that sexually for his own pleasure.

There is a philosophy in life that sometimes we marry someone because we think that person will make us happy. Then when that person does not make us happy, perhaps we feel as though that love has faded. Then as we grow and mature we hopefully see that we are each responsible for our own happiness and love is about the person we chose to share that with. I think everyone has to go through that transition at some point. It also has to happen sexually as well. As in you have to take responsibility for your own sexual wellbeing and happiness and chose to share that with the one you love.

Many people here will tell you your husband is a horrible person for seeing escorts and that you should leave him. Obviously you are the person to decide who you choose to love and care for in your life. So make that decision with care towards your own wellbeing.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> He said that he doesn't know why and that he's trying his best to fix the problem...
> 
> When I say everything else is that we are a successful couple, we support each other, we accomplish our goals, we travel... I like that about us.


What does "trying his best" mean? This isn't just a porn issue. He won't have sex with you while you are around, then as soon as you leave he cheats on you with escorts. I don't understand what trying his best means in this case. 

If never having sex with you and cheating with multiple escorts isn't enough to make you want to leave him, then what is? Will you put up with verbal abuse or physical abuse too? By not holding him accountable you are telling him it is okay to keep doing what he is doing.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Snoopy2 said:


> It's not that easy to leave him. I've been with him for 5 years, we invested together, we live together, he is the reason I', in the United States. Without him, I'm alone. I don't have much family. And he helped me a lot in my life, i don't want to be ungrateful for everything he've done for me. He always buys me everything I need and when I wasn't working he helped me so I could go to school and accomplish my goals... you wouldn't do that to a friend would you? I can't just leave...


I can understand that you’re very grateful for what he has done for you. But that doesn’t mean you should give him carte Blanche to disrespect you with such a disgusting betrayal. The worst problem you’re dealing with isn’t his porn addiction and sexless marriage; it is that he has betrayed you with prostitutes. That is adultery. Not to mention that he’s putting your health at risk. Also let’s not forget that he’s also spending family money. That’s is financial cheating. You’re his wife, so his money is your money. 

Besides all that, aren’t you disgusted that he’s paying a woman for sex? I don’t care how hot a woman is, if she doesn’t want me, I couldn’t do it. A woman that’s having sex with you for money doesn’t want you.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You seem to be focusing on the porn and lack of sex while playing down the fact that he regularly goes to prostitutes. Why would you want to be with a guy who is a serial cheater?
> Please leave this awful man.


I don't know if I consider prostitute cheating... I would be more hurt if I knew he had another girlfriend. But a prostitute it's not really cheating, it's just sex. Pure sex. I'm not jealous of a prostitute, so i'm not really angry at that actually. What I'm confuse about is the WHY behind all of that. Why prostitute and not me? why porn and not me? why???


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't know if I consider prostitute cheating... I would be more hurt if I knew he had another girlfriend. But a prostitute it's not really cheating, it's just sex. Pure sex. I'm not jealous of a prostitute, so i'm not really angry at that actually. What I'm confuse about is the WHY behind all of that. Why prostitute and not me? why porn and not me? why???


Maybe in your mind it isn't cheating, your choice. However, it is making him cheat you out of some of the most important aspects of a marriage. He is expending his emotional and sexual desire on other women in porn and in real life. That is cheating you out of what should be yours. He is expending money on escorts that should be for you and him. He is cheating on you financially. I don't know the going rate, but I don't think escorts come cheap. Imagine what else you two could do with that money. I really don't understand how you don't consider this cheating on multiple levels?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Maybe in your mind it isn't cheating, your choice. However, it is making him cheat you out of some of the most important aspects of a marriage. He is expending his emotional and sexual desire on other women in porn and in real life. That is cheating you out of what should be yours. He is expending money on escorts that should be for you and him. He is cheating on you financially. I don't know the going rate, but I don't think escorts come cheap. Imagine what else you two could do with that money. I really don't understand how you don't consider this cheating on multiple levels?


I don’t know, I’m just lost. I never tell my marriage problems to anyone. I don’t have much friends nor family. And I don’t want to be alone, he is my family and if I leave him I’ll be alone again. He did so much for him, he helped me in my life without him I wouldn’t be the person I am. I owe him a lot. And now that I have a job and a good situation I would leave? I feel like that would be so messed up. I don’t know what to do…


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP, you get what you tolerate. Since you're fine with him banging nasty hookers, this is your life now. 

Is this what you dreamed about what marriage could be? 

Which culture are you from that you're so grateful to be treated like trash? Btw, I've lived through most of what you described (except no hookers that I know of, just 1 wh0re) and am also a foreigner alone in the US starting my life over after investing almost 20 years with a morally bankrupt person. Like your H, he was good to me once, until I discovered his dirty secrets... Porn, alcohol addiction, wh0ring.


I have to say, some of the comments on how to help a woman have sex with a disgusting POS are just incredible and revealing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Snoopy2 said:


> ...he helped me in my life without him I wouldn’t be the person I am. I owe him a lot. And now that I have a job and a good situation I would leave? I feel like that would be so messed up. I don’t know what to do…


OK so for those reading here, you have a husband that helped advance his wife's career to the point that she can potentially be independent and leave if she so chooses. 

THIS is usually the opposite of what horrible husbands do as they keep their wives dependent and in abusive situations from which it is difficult to escape. So for the OP the door is open and her wings are capable. She stays because she chooses to stay and not because she has to. Being international and traveling alone across the world, this also means she is emotionally capable of leaving home by herself and getting around the planet without anyone there to hold her hand during the process. 

We are not dealing with a helpless and emotional weakling. The OP is a very capable person. Toss her out into the ocean alone and she knows how to get to where she wants to go. She wants to be with her husband and to try and understand and know him. Nothing wrong with that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't know if I consider prostitute cheating... I would be more hurt if I knew he had another girlfriend. But a prostitute it's not really cheating, it's just sex. Pure sex. I'm not jealous of a prostitute, so i'm not really angry at that actually. What I'm confuse about is the WHY behind all of that. Why prostitute and not me? why porn and not me? why???


What???????Of course it's cheating. To my mind it's even worse because he is cheating with countless women instead of just one. A lot of cheating is just sex. 
This man has no moral values at all, and treats you appallingly. 
He will never stop because you are enabling it.
Sometimes I despair at what some people will accept.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

badsanta said:


> When you read about behaviors associated with porn, some people associate it with addictions. While it can be problematic to think of sexuality as something like drug abuse, but it can be helpful to see it in this perspective.
> 
> Making love to one's wife = Something healthy and wonderful
> Jerking off to porn = An escape mechanism from pain/depression as a way to self medicate
> ...


Thank you, this actually helps a lot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> OK so for those reading here, you have a husband that helped advance his wife's career to the point that she can potentially be independent and leave if she so chooses.
> 
> THIS is usually the opposite of what horrible husbands do as they keep their wives dependent and in abusive situations from which it is difficult to escape. So for the OP the door is open and her wings are capable. She stays because she chooses to stay and not because she has to. Being international and traveling alone across the world, this also means she is emotionally capable of leaving home by herself and getting around the planet without anyone there to hold her hand during the process.
> 
> We are not dealing with a helpless and emotional weakling. The OP is a very capable person. Toss her out into the ocean alone and she knows how to get to where she wants to go. She wants to be with her husband and to try and understand and know him. Nothing wrong with that.


Sorry, if she was strong and had any self esteem she would not be with him. 
I am sure even Hitler had some nice things about him. This man is treating her terribly.
He has faced no consequences so has no reason to stop.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

badsanta said:


> OK so for those reading here, you have a husband that helped advance his wife's career to the point that she can potentially be independent and leave if she so chooses.
> 
> THIS is usually the opposite of what horrible husbands do as they keep their wives dependent and in abusive situations from which it is difficult to escape. So for the OP the door is open and her wings are capable. She stays because she chooses to stay and not because she has to. Being international and traveling alone across the world, this also means she is emotionally capable of leaving home by herself and getting around the planet without anyone there to hold her hand during the process.
> 
> We are not dealing with a helpless and emotional weakling. The OP is a very capable person. Toss her out into the ocean alone and she knows how to get to where she wants to go. She wants to be with her husband and to try and understand and know him. Nothing wrong with that.


No I'm not helpless at all. I don't depend on him anymore and I'm doing pretty good now. But he's always been here for me when I didn't have anybody. He always wants the best for me, he always give me the best. They said he treats me like trash?! No, he treats me like a princess. He gives me the best of best, he always want me to be confortable and he wants us to succeed mutually. He is not abusing me in any way. I truly believe he loves me and respect me a lot. I think he respect me so much that he doesn't want to tell me what he really wants in bed even... It might be something more deep and personal and that's why I am not trying to judge him. But I'm really trying to understand him and help him. And also have a better intimacy with him because I'm tired of having no intimacy life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please don't have sex with him while he is cheating with prostitutes. He could pass on STDs to you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> No I'm not helpless at all. I don't depend on him anymore and I'm doing pretty good now. But he's always been here for me when I didn't have anybody. He always wants the best for me, he always give me the best. They said he treats me like trash?! No, he treats me like a princess. He gives me the best of best, he always want me to be confortable and he wants us to succeed mutually. He is not abusing me in any way. I truly believe he loves me and respect me a lot. I think he respect me so much that he doesn't want to tell me what he really wants in bed even... It might be something more deep and personal and that's why I am not trying to judge him. But I'm really trying to understand him and help him. And also have a better intimacy with him because I'm tired of having no intimacy life.


He does anything but treat you like a princess. If he loved and respected you he would never treat you so badly. 
There is no way on early I would treat my husband like that. Have some self respect please. 
He has no moral values or integrity, no idea of what faithfulness even means.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> He does anything but treat you like a princess. If he loved and respected you he would never treat you so badly.
> There is no way on early I would treat my husband like that. Have some self respect please.
> He has no moral values or integrity, no idea of what faithfulness even means.


So you think watching porn and having sex with escorts is treating me badly? Or is it a deeper issue that he is not sexually attracted to me somehow but attracted to other women.?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What does "trying his best" mean? This isn't just a porn issue. He won't have sex with you while you are around, then as soon as you leave he cheats on you with escorts. I don't understand what trying his best means in this case.
> 
> If never having sex with you and cheating with multiple escorts isn't enough to make you want to leave him, then what is? Will you put up with verbal abuse or physical abuse too? By not holding him accountable you are telling him it is okay to keep doing what he is doing.


I think there are limits for everything, but I think there is a big difference between a man who abuse a woman physical and/or mentally. Then a man who is not sexually attracted to his wife and therefore choose other women only for sex. Meanwhile in one case he is treating his wife horribly on an everyday basis and in the other case (my case) he is nice to me, he takes care of everything in our life, he works hard for our goals and actually treats me with respect.
He is not cheating on me because he is unhappy of our relationship (otherwise he would have another girlfriend) he cheated on me for the ONLY reason of sex.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Snoopy2 said:


> I truly believe he loves me and respect me a lot.


A man who loves and respects his wife doesn't have sex with prostitutes. This isn't even a question.



Snoopy2 said:


> So you think watching porn and having sex with escorts is treating me badly?


Maybe it's a cultural difference, maybe adultery is acceptable where you come from, but in the Western world a man who is kind to his wife's face and then patronizes sex workers behind her back while denying her intimacy in their marriage is considered a very cruel betrayal and absolutely disgustingly horrible behavior.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> So you think watching porn and having sex with escorts is treating me badly? Or is it a deeper issue that he is not sexually attracted to me somehow but attracted to other women.?


Of course it's treating you badly. 
When you marry you promise to be faithful. He never has. 
If he isn't attracted to you then why did he marry you so recently? 

If he loves you why does he ignore you sexually and choose to watch porn and sleep around instead? 

He is lacking in moral values but because you do nothing, nothing changes. 
He chooses to do what he does. He chooses to disrespect you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> What???????Of course it's cheating. To my mind it's even worse because he is cheating with countless women instead of just one. A lot of cheating is just sex.
> This man has no moral values at all, and treats you appallingly.
> He will never stop because you are enabling it.
> Sometimes I despair at what some people will accept.


@Diana7 you act as if life is ONLY about sex! 

For some folks sex is not that big of a deal. It is just a bodily function that can be healthy and unhealthy. 

It is also horrible to claim that just because someone is a sex worker that they spread diseases. The same could be said for doctors since they work closely with diseased people. OMG I bet the OBGYN you see has had his/her hands in no telling how many vaginas and no way does a simple rubber glove protect you from all sorts of STDs being spread all into your vagina (see how stupid that sounds, but some folks will freak out about it now). Sex workers make up a fairly vulnerable part of society and it doesn't help if you want to spread lies and rumors which is just as bad. If you care, try getting involved in your local government to make sure sex workers have proper access to healthcare and that they are not discriminated against. 

As for the OP, it seems like she has a healthy attitude to not be jealous of escorts. She doesn't claim it is OK, but apparently she is not see it as an attack on her own self esteem because she does not feel threatened by escorts by the least bit. Do you know why? Because she is an independent woman that is not dependent on her husband to take care of her. She can see there is obviously something wrong with her marriage and she chooses to try and work on it. 

Why must everyone get an STD and DIE according to you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I think there are limits for everything, but I think there is a big difference between a man who abuse a woman physical and/or mentally. Then a man who is not sexually attracted to his wife and therefore choose other women only for sex. Meanwhile in one case he is treating his wife horribly on an everyday basis and in the other case (my case) he is nice to me, he takes care of everything in our life, he works hard for our goals and actually treats me with respect.
> He is not cheating on me because he is unhappy of our relationship (otherwise he would have another girlfriend) he cheated on me for the ONLY reason of sex.


What he is doing is abusive. Sex is very important for a married couple to enjoy together. He chooses to pay for casual sordid sex rather than than share it with you his wife. That is cruel and highly disrespectful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @Diana7 you act as if life is ONLY about sex!
> 
> For some folks sex is not that big of a deal. It is just a bodily function that can be healthy and unhealthy.
> 
> ...


My husband's is a scientist who studies diseases. He said that people have no idea how rife STDs are. Its largely hidden.
Most of us here recognise that having sex with a prostitute is highly unloving and distrespectful to the wife, especially a wife who is very hurt by his ignoring her in bed.

Maybe you think that what he is doing is fine. You clearly think there is nothing wrong in this marriage where there is no sex but the husband is s a serial cheat. Most of us know that their marriage is a sham. There is everything wrong. I feel sorry for you if you can't see that.

I hope she will start to see how skewed and damaged her marriage is and stands up for herself.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

badsanta said:


> @Diana7 you act as if life is ONLY about sex!
> 
> For some folks sex is not that big of a deal. It is just a bodily function that can be healthy and unhealthy.
> 
> ...


But this is about sex. The wife is not getting the sexual attention she wants from her husband because he is using porn and paying escorts.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

badsanta said:


> For some folks sex is not that big of a deal. It is just a bodily function that can be healthy and unhealthy.


Normally I agree with you on quite a bit, but not this time, dude.

It's not just sex. Maybe it would be just sex if he had an arrangement with @Snoopy2 . But he did not talk to her openly and respectfully come to some kind of ethical non-monogamy agreement. He's been lying and sneaking around behind her back, paying marital funds for sexual services without her knowledge and consent. That isn't about sex. That's about trust and betrayal. And, yes, love and respect. He didn't love or respect Snoopy enough to either come to an agreement or simply not use prostitutes.



badsanta said:


> It is also horrible to claim that just because someone is a sex worker that they spread diseases.


No, it's not. That's statistics. People who have a lot of sexual partners are more likely to contract an STD. A prostitutes literal job is to have sex with many partners a day/week/month. Condoms, even when used consistently and correctly, do NOT protect against diseases that spread via skin to skin contact. STD's can also spread orally and on fingers. Prostitutes have also been known to be willing to go raw for a fee. It's not bias to say a boxer might have a misshapen nose and it's not bias to say a sex worker is likely to have or contract an STD. Those are just hazards of the job.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> So you think watching porn and having sex with escorts is treating me badly? Or is it a deeper issue that he is not sexually attracted to me somehow but attracted to other women.?


Maybe all of the above?

I think he it is treating you badly by using porn and escorts instead of being with his wife. Actually I think it is bad, period, if he is using escort even if he was having sex with you.

I don't know of if it is a lack of attraction or not, but obviously he prefers masturbation and paid sex workers over you. Does the reason really matter all that much?

You said he is trying his best to fix the situation. What does that mean? What is he doing?


ETA

Also, how long have you been married and together?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> But this is about sex. The wife is not getting the sexual attention she wants from her husband because he is using porn and paying escorts.


Yep, the thread is about sex but apparently I can't talk about sex.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Snoopy2 said:


> I think he respect me so much that he doesn't want to tell me what he really wants in bed even... It might be something more deep and personal and that's why I am not trying to judge him.


There could be some truth to that. Many grow up with sexuality being shamed by the ones they love and can not overcome that shame in marriage. A grown person will try to protect the ones they love by hiding things that seem shameful (like sexual tendencies). 

I once corresponded here with a lady that was going to therapy with her husband as I was curious to learn about what this therapist would work on during sessions with this couple. Turns out that the therapist was a former sex worker as a dominatrix (some sex workers are highly educated). 

While it would be extremely controversial here to discuss, I wonder if you could hire an escort to do some sex therapy sessions with you and your husband? The idea would be for her to serve as a sexual surrogate for the purpose of helping you both work on removing shame from sexual initiation and communication skills as a couple. Now don't go and actually do that, but have just a discussion about that with your husband and see how he reacts to it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

🤦‍♀️


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> STD's can also spread orally and on fingers.


Then don't drink the wine during communion!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Snoopy2 said:


> He said that *he doesn't know why and that he's trying his best to fix the problem..*.
> 
> When I say everything else is that *we are a successful couple, we support each other, we accomplish our goals, we travel... I like that about us.*





Snoopy2 said:


> *It's not that easy to leave him.* I've been with him for 5 years, we invested together, we live together, he is the reason I', in the United States. *Without him, I'm alone. I don't have much family.* And he helped me a lot in my life, i don't want to be ungrateful for everything he've done for me. *He always buys me everything I need and when I wasn't working he helped me so I could go to school and accomplish my goals.*.. you wouldn't do that to a friend would you? *I can't just leave..*.





LisaDiane said:


> This will NEVER WORK. *He has been with escorts!! This is much bigger than a porn issue - porn was his "gateway drug".*
> 
> This is like when I told *my alcoholic first husband that all his drinking problems would be solved *if he only had 3 beers in one night, and I would be the one who would police that for him. I was 22, and I thought that plan was perfect! But I also drank very little alcohol and had NO concept of not being able to stop.
> 
> Needless to say, it was a massive failure.





Snoopy2 said:


> I think there are limits for everything, but I think there is a big difference between a man who abuse a woman physical and/or mentally. Then a man who is not sexually attracted to his wife and therefore choose other women only for sex. Meanwhile in one case he is treating his wife horribly on an everyday basis and i*n the other case (my case) he is nice to me, he takes care of everything in our life, he works hard for our goals and actually treats me with respect.
> He is not cheating on me because he is unhappy of our relationship (otherwise he would have another girlfriend) he cheated on me for the ONLY reason of sex.*


Dear Snoopy2;

Where to start. 

Porn as a gateway drug, is an interesting observation. For some that may indeed be true, but for others it is probably not true. As you are probably aware drinking one's first beer may or may not be the gateway drug for alcoholism. I believe for that some people porn may be a huge problem, but for others, it is not a problem. Just because porn is a problem for some doesn't mean society should pass the equivalent of the 18th Amendment to the US constitution regarding prohibition. I don't think that porn is necessarily bad, but it can destroy relationships.

An old bit of folk wisdom is that "men don't pay prostitutes to have sex with them, they pay prostitutes (escorts) to leave and not bother them after the sex is finished."

I would like to suggest that you do some reading and some introspection on the concept of a codependent relationship. 
I hear your statements about why you "feel you should stay with your H." I also hear you say that you "everything" else besides sex is fine in your marriage. You along with your H get to decide what you want your negotiated and agreed upon definition of marriage is. For some, marriage has little to do with initial sexual love. Actually in the history of humanity, love based marriages are a rather new concept. The key is have you and your H discussed what your shared view of marriage is? 

You talk about working toward goals and supporting your education and multiple trips a year overseas to visit family. All great things, but what is your vision and his vision of an ideal marriage in 10 or 20 years? What do the two of you want your marriage to look like when you have both retired? Now is a good time to figure these things out. Also make sure you examine your feelings to see if any codependency clouds your vision of the future. For some, it is comforting to surrender certain things in exchange for feeling that someone will take care of you and protect you.

In a post (I didn't quote) you indicated you would have been more upset with a girl friend and emotional affair than his use of escorts. I understand what you are saying. If he had affairs with a girlfriend(s) there would have been a chance that one of them would have fallen in love with him or he would have fallen in love with her and your illusion of marriage (my definition of marriage) would have been shattered. Some people have open marriages, some can recover from affairs, you get to decide how you proceed and what you want to do.

Since you are seeking help, now would be a good time to reach out and get some professional help with a good marriage counselor to referee and help you have some discussions with your husband about (1) the lack of sexual intimacy you feel between both of you, (2) your shared vision of what your marriage should look like as the two of you age, and (3) whether his uses of escorts or porn helps or harms the type of marriage you both want? 

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> ......Turns out that the therapist was a former sex worker as a dominatrix (some sex workers are highly educated).
> 
> While it would be extremely controversial here to discuss, I wonder if you could hire an escort to do some sex therapy sessions with you and your husband? The idea would be for her to serve as a sexual surrogate for the purpose of helping you both work on removing shame from sexual initiation and communication skills as a couple. Now don't go and actually do that, but have just a discussion about that with your husband and see how he reacts to it.


No, No, No.......

Asking an escort to provide either sex therapy or act as a sexual surrogate is just plane asking for trouble, serious trouble in my opinion. 

First sex therapists are licensed marriage counselors with significant experience and extra training in sexual problems people have. Second "sex surrogates" are generally trained to establish all kinds of emotional and interrelational boundaries and work with (or under the direction of) a licenced counselor of some form and as part of an on-going part of a planned out program of therapy.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't know if I consider prostitute cheating... I would be more hurt if I knew he had another girlfriend. But a prostitute it's not really cheating, it's just sex. Pure sex. I'm not jealous of a prostitute, so i'm not really angry at that actually. What I'm confuse about is the WHY behind all of that. Why prostitute and not me? why porn and not me? why???


Wow.....just wow! I face palmed myself so hard reading that, I fear it may leave a bruise. You are a cheater's dream wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't know if I consider prostitute cheating... I would be more hurt if I knew he had another girlfriend. But a prostitute it's not really cheating, it's just sex. Pure sex. I'm not jealous of a prostitute, so i'm not really angry at that actually. What I'm confuse about is the WHY behind all of that. Why prostitute and not me? why porn and not me? why???


Do you realize that if he's having sex with prostetutes that you should not have unprotected sex with him? I would not even have protected sex with a guy who uses prostitutes because 'protection' does not guarantee that the guy does not catch an STD from the sex worker.

How do you think your husband would react if you had sex with male prostitutes?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

badsanta said:


> There could be some truth to that. Many grow up with sexuality being shamed by the ones they love and can not overcome that shame in marriage. A grown person will try to protect the ones they love by hiding things that seem shameful (like sexual tendencies).
> 
> I once corresponded here with a lady that was going to therapy with her husband as I was curious to learn about what this therapist would work on during sessions with this couple. Turns out that the therapist was a former sex worker as a dominatrix (some sex workers are highly educated).
> 
> While it would be extremely controversial here to discuss, I wonder if you could hire an escort to do some sex therapy sessions with you and your husband? The idea would be for her to serve as a sexual surrogate for the purpose of helping you both work on removing shame from sexual initiation and communication skills as a couple. Now don't go and actually do that, but have just a discussion about that with your husband and see how he reacts to it.


Dude, you can't be serious! Give up your husband card. Thank God I still see decent men posting.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Do you realize that if he's having sex with prostetutes that you should not have unprotected sex with him? I would not even have protected sex with a guy who uses prostitutes because 'protection' does not guarantee that the guy does not catch an STD from the sex worker.
> 
> How do you think your husband would react if you had sex with male prostitutes?


That prostitute item pov may well be what's acceptable in that part of the world. European view and all that.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> No I'm not helpless at all. I don't depend on him anymore and I'm doing pretty good now. But he's always been here for me when I didn't have anybody. He always wants the best for me, he always give me the best. They said he treats me like trash?! No, he treats me like a princess. He gives me the best of best, he always want me to be confortable and he wants us to succeed mutually. He is not abusing me in any way. I truly believe he loves me and respect me a lot. I think he respect me so much that he doesn't want to tell me what he really wants in bed even... It might be something more deep and personal and that's why I am not trying to judge him. But I'm really trying to understand him and help him. And also have a better intimacy with him because I'm tired of having no intimacy life.


OP,
Can you please answer my question about what culture you come from? The reason I asked is b/c it has a lot of relevance to your situation. Your words and attitudes right now are completely incomprehensible to me, and I'm from a 3rd world country where cheating is rampant and accepted by some.

What does marriage mean to you? To most of us, it means loving monogamy unless you both agreed to involve 3rd parties. Your husband doesn't even have sex with you, he knows you'll never cheat on him. He's cool hanging prostitutes though.

Does marriage mean to you financial stability? Are you fine never having love and passion in your life for the rest of your life? 

Regardless, you're obviously not happy with the state of your marriage, so what do you want for yourself? He has no reason to change his behavior as it stands.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

badsanta said:


> There could be some truth to that. Many grow up with sexuality being shamed by the ones they love and can not overcome that shame in marriage. A grown person will try to protect the ones they love by hiding things that seem shameful (like sexual tendencies).
> 
> I once corresponded here with a lady that was going to therapy with her husband as I was curious to learn about what this therapist would work on during sessions with this couple. Turns out that the therapist was a former sex worker as a dominatrix (some sex workers are highly educated).
> 
> While it would be extremely controversial here to discuss, I wonder if you could hire an escort to do some sex therapy sessions with you and your husband? The idea would be for her to serve as a sexual surrogate for the purpose of helping you both work on removing shame from sexual initiation and communication skills as a couple. Now don't go and actually do that, but have just a discussion about that with your husband and see how he reacts to it.


LOL, your funny. Hire an escort for sex therapy, too funny. So when you say sex therapy sessions, you mean getting her husband laid in front of her?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> LOL, your funny. Hire an escort for sex therapy, too funny. So when you say sex therapy sessions, you mean getting her husband laid in front of her?


I wonder if it's ok for OP to hire a sex worker to show her husband how she likes it? 

HookerHusband is special needs, he must be handheld to screw the wife he's neglecting in favor of prostitutes.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> No, No, No.......
> 
> Asking an escort to provide either sex therapy or act as a sexual surrogate is just plane asking for trouble, serious trouble in my opinion.
> 
> First sex therapists are licensed marriage counselors with significant experience and extra training in sexual problems people have. Second "sex surrogates" are generally trained to establish all kinds of emotional and interrelational boundaries and work with (or under the direction of) a licenced counselor of some form and as part of an on-going part of a planned out program of therapy.


So a well seasoned sex worker somehow does not have "significant experience and extra training in sexual problems?"

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating the OP use a sex worker. I am just expanding the debate in a way to make everyone think differently. For the purpose of debate, I would think a sex worker would be very familiar with sexual issues and how to help people work through those issues in ways that are rather hands on so to speak. 

Example: Lola's Bio — Lola Davina


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> LOL, your funny. Hire an escort for sex therapy, too funny. So when you say sex therapy sessions, you mean getting her husband laid in front of her?


Well, Masters & Johnson would be for that! 😉


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Then don't drink the wine during communion!


C'mon, BadSanta, you know better.

Yes, STD's can be spread by hand. So, yeah, if the last person to hold a cup out to me...any cup.. just stuck their fingers in their vagina and wiped it on the rim I wouldn't be drinking from it because I don't want whatever they might have.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> C'mon, BadSanta, you know better.
> 
> Yes, STD's can be spread by hand. So, yeah, if the last person to hold a cup out to me...any cup.. just stuck their fingers in their vagina and wiped it on the rim I wouldn't be drinking from it because I don't want whatever they might have.


When I was 17, yep, that must have been the reason I had to get the penicillin shot 😉🤣🤣🤣


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I ended up in similar situation - twice, except I just put up with the duty sex until my low drive went lower and lower.

I know the appeal of porn over a higher drive woman and he explained it very well, when it becomes a chore or a man is pressured to perform, it's boring, just want to scratch the itch and done. I can only guess why the hookers though - as when sex with one's wife is associated with a chore it doesn't become very sexy.

You have taken a lot of steps to spice things up however, but any solution in this requires a two way street and he's not meeting you halfway. There's also the age difference, for him a lot of the fun stuff he may have done in his 20s and you got the short end of the stick.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That prostitute item pov may well be what's acceptable in that part of the world. European view and all that.


She's in the USA


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I ended up in similar situation - twice, except I just put up with the duty sex until my low drive went lower and lower.
> 
> I know the appeal of porn over a higher drive woman and he explained it very well, when it becomes a chore or a man is pressured to perform, it's boring, just want to scratch the itch and done. I can only guess why the hookers though - as when sex with one's wife is associated with a chore it doesn't become very sexy.
> 
> You have taken a lot of steps to spice things up however, but any solution in this requires a two way street and he's not meeting you halfway. There's also the age difference, for him a lot of the fun stuff he may have done in his 20s and you got the short end of the stick.


Do we know if the OP is high drive and pressuring her husband for sex beyond the normal?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That prostitute item pov may well be what's acceptable in that part of the world. European view and all that.


I am European. Having a lover may be sort of accepted in marriages in a few places but not going to prostitutes. I


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Do we know if the OP is high drive and pressuring her husband for sex beyond the normal?


Only helping to provide OP with all the angles.
Besides LD/HD is relative it seems. Issues for higher drive women (in comparison to their partners) seem similar no matter the frequency/ratio.

Though this isn't something I would save considering the cheating.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don’t know, I’m just lost. I never tell my marriage problems to anyone. I don’t have much friends nor family. And I don’t want to be alone, he is my family and if I leave him I’ll be alone again. He did so much for him, he helped me in my life without him I wouldn’t be the person I am. I owe him a lot. And now that I have a job and a good situation I would leave? I feel like that would be so messed up. I don’t know what to do…


that is why i suggested you try to turn things around.
there has to be a reason he gets escorts.
Maybe they have blonde hair and you have black hair. so, if that is it, get a blonde wig or dye your hair.

and so on. Try to get to the bottom of what the heck is really going on. the rest of the marriage sounds good!


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear Snoopy2;
> 
> Where to start.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this is very good insight.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> While it would be extremely controversial here to discuss,* I wonder if you could hire an escort to do some sex therapy sessions with you and your husband?* The idea would be for her to serve as a sexual surrogate for the purpose of helping you both work on removing shame from sexual initiation and communication skills as a couple. Now don't go and actually do that, but have just a discussion about that with your husband and see how he reacts to it.


that is def thinking outside of the box. If it is one of the escorts that knows her husband well already, it might be a fruitful night!

i could see at the end of the session, her going down her list:
And make sure you do A, then B twice, and then while doing C make sure you look like D and say E to him. that always gets him hard!


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> OP,
> Can you please answer my question about what culture you come from? The reason I asked is b/c it has a lot of relevance to your situation. Your words and attitudes right now are completely incomprehensible to me, and I'm from a 3rd world country where cheating is rampant and accepted by some.
> 
> What does marriage mean to you? To most of us, it means loving monogamy unless you both agreed to involve 3rd parties. Your husband doesn't even have sex with you, he knows you'll never cheat on him. He's cool hanging prostitutes though.
> ...


I'm from France so I grow up in a western world where cheating is a shame, or "bad". I think all girls in the western world see it like that. But I always try to ask myself honest questions and not actually follow what I grow up seeing as "bad" or "good". For me "treating a person badly" is by definition not being nice, respectful and just dimmish another person. I don't think it has to do with sexual attraction. So that's why when someone say "he's treating you badly" well no, he's not. He's the sweetest with me and I know he loves me. And I can't just ignore that, I think this need to be included into my conclusion. That's why I differentiate sex and love. I think they are two different things. And that's why I'm trying to understand why he is not attracted to me anymore or why don't he want to have sex with me but can with other women.

Like I said previously, if I knew he had another girlfriend that he sees regularly that would've been completely different. That would mean he prefer the COMPANY of another person than mine. That would actually frighten my self-esteem. I'm not jalouse of a prostitute, a prostitue offer sex only. I offer way more than that and I think he loves that about me.

But obviously we have a problem now, is that I have a lack of intimacy with him and I do think that he is being a little selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings towards that problem.

I hope this is clear, but yeah I am French but for that fact I don't think it's about a culture differences I think I grew up like other girls watching Disney movies about love and learning that cheating is bad. And all my friends will probably tell me the same thing almost everyone is saying now (that's why I don't ask them advice). The only difference is that I try to differentiate what society told me and what I really think.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> that is why i suggested you try to turn things around.
> there has to be a reason he gets escorts.
> Maybe they have blonde hair and you have black hair. so, if that is it, get a blonde wig or dye your hair.
> 
> and so on. Try to get to the bottom of what the heck is really going on. the rest of the marriage sounds good!


So she has to change her appearance to looks like the prostitutes??? How about he stops cheating and focuses on his wife and accepts and loves her as she is?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> I'm from France so I grow up in a western world where cheating is a shame, or "bad". I think all girls in the western world see it like that. But I always try to ask myself honest question and not actually follow what I grow up as seeing "bad" or "good". For me "treating a person badly" is by definition not being nice, respectful and just dimmish another person. I don't think it has to do with sexual attraction. So that's why when someone say "he's treating you badly" well no, he's not. He's the sweetest with me and I know he loves me. And I can't just ignore that, I think this need to be included into my conclusion. That's why I differentiate sex and love. I think they are two different things. And that's why I'm trying to understand why he is not attracted to me anymore or why don't he want to have sex with me but can with other women.
> 
> Like I said previously, if I knew he had another girlfriend that he sees regularly that would've been completely different. That would mean he prefer the COMPANY of another person than mine. That would actually frighten my self-esteem. I'm not jalouse of a prostitute, a prostitue offer sex only. I offer way more than that and I think he loves that about me.
> 
> ...


You have a very odd idea of what a good marriage looks like. You also have a very skewed idea of how a loving and decent husband treats his wife. 
He treats you terribly and you cant even see that. You let it happen. You enable it. Nothing will change because you wont stand up to Him or challenge him.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You have a very odd idea of what a good marriage looks like. You also have a very skewed idea of how a loving and decent husband treats his wife.
> He treats you terribly and you cant even see that. You let it happen. You enable it. Nothing will change because you wont stand up to Him or challenge him.


I do stand up actually. That's what I did when I discovered he watched porn. But I don't judge him I just want to help him and help us get better. Maybe this is a phase, maybe we can get through this and our sex life will be even better. Maybe I'm dreaming, maybe you are right maybe our mariage is not going to work and I should leave him. It's just that I know he is a good person and I know he loves me. And I am very confident in my physic actually. I workout, I look pretty good. And that's why I do not understand why he won't have sex with me... it's like a total mystery to me. Especially from a man...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> I'm from France so I grow up in a western world where cheating is a shame, or "bad". I think all girls in the western world see it like that. But I always try to ask myself honest questions and not actually follow what I grow up seeing as "bad" or "good". For me "treating a person badly" is by definition not being nice, respectful and just dimmish another person. I don't think it has to do with sexual attraction. So that's why when someone say "he's treating you badly" well no, he's not. He's the sweetest with me and I know he loves me. And I can't just ignore that, I think this need to be included into my conclusion. That's why I differentiate sex and love. I think they are two different things. And that's why I'm trying to understand why he is not attracted to me anymore or why don't he want to have sex with me but can with other women.
> 
> Like I said previously, if I knew he had another girlfriend that he sees regularly that would've been completely different. That would mean he prefer the COMPANY of another person than mine. That would actually frighten my self-esteem. I'm not jalouse of a prostitute, a prostitue offer sex only. I offer way more than that and I think he loves that about me.
> 
> ...


Thank you for answering the question and giving some insight into your thought process.

Since I can't understand your idea of a good marriage and treatment, and I consider it beneath me to be married to a man who will sexually neglect me in favor of other women especially prostitutes, I am bowing out of this conversation. It is not my place to judge what's best for you, only you can do that.

Good luck to you.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Thank you for answering the question and giving some insight into your thought process.
> 
> Since I can't understand your idea of a good marriage and treatment, and I consider it beneath me to be married to a man who will sexually neglect me in favor of other women especially prostitutes, I am bowing out of this conversation.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Thank you for your time! I appreciate it.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Do we know if the OP is high drive and pressuring her husband for sex beyond the normal?


Yeah I don't think I have a high sexual drive... I mean, in the past 2 years he never (not once) initiated sex. So the only time we would have sex would be when I initiated it which is once a month or once every 2 months, sometimes 3 months. Depends. Usually during my fertility window but now it has been less and less because I'm tired of initiating it and I don't enjoy it as much.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> I'm from France so I grow up in a western world where cheating is a shame, or "bad". I think all girls in the western world see it like that. But I always try to ask myself honest questions and not actually follow what I grow up seeing as "bad" or "good". For me "treating a person badly" is by definition not being nice, respectful and just dimmish another person. I don't think it has to do with sexual attraction. So that's why when someone say "he's treating you badly" well no, he's not. He's the sweetest with me and I know he loves me. And I can't just ignore that, I think this need to be included into my conclusion. That's why I differentiate sex and love. I think they are two different things. And that's why I'm trying to understand why he is not attracted to me anymore or why don't he want to have sex with me but can with other women.
> 
> Like I said previously, if I knew he had another girlfriend that he sees regularly that would've been completely different. That would mean he prefer the COMPANY of another person than mine. That would actually frighten my self-esteem. I'm not jalouse of a prostitute, a prostitue offer sex only. I offer way more than that and I think he loves that about me.
> 
> ...


I might buy this load of crap if you held yourself to the same standard, yet you don’t. It’s not cheating to screw prostitutes and masturbate to porn when he is doing it, but you said for you to have sex outside the marriage it IS cheating and he knows you won’t. Your double standards give you away. You’re just afraid to be alone, or without him. All this above is the pretzel you’re twisting yourself into to avoid facing that you’d rather have 1/3 of a man than no man at all.

You want to have sex with him? Do it in your imagination, he’s never going to want you sexually. He gets everything he wants from you and doesn’t have a reason to change. If you want sex in general, go hire a male escort, since that’s not cheating according to you. You won’t leave him and find a man that is a friend, partner AND has sex with you, so those are your options.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Thank you all for your insight though. Even if we don't agree on everything it really feels good to talk about it with "real" people. I don't want to ask my friends or family about those subject so I've only thought about it myself or reading forums about same issues. So thank you for the insight. It's definitely gonna make me think. I also definitely want to have serious talk that leads to action this time with him because I'm tired of waiting... It's too much. It's hard. But I want to make the best decision so maybe seeing a marriage counselor will be our last ride. Maybe his action will finally show up. I try to stay positive.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I might buy this load of crap if you held yourself to the same standard, yet you don’t. It’s not cheating to screw prostitutes and masturbate to porn when he is doing it, but you said for you to have sex outside the marriage it IS cheating and he knows you won’t. Your double standards give you away. You’re just afraid to be alone, or without him. All this above is the pretzel you’re twisting yourself into to avoid facing that you’d rather have 1/3 of a man than no man at all.
> 
> You want to have sex with him? Do it in your imagination, he’s never going to want you sexually. He gets everything he wants from you and doesn’t have a reason to change. If you want sex in general, go hire a male escort, since that’s not cheating according to you. You won’t leave him and find a man that is a friend, partner AND has sex with you, so those are your options.


I think it's not really about me being alone. Even though I don't like it, I can do it. I did it before many times. It's more about the fact that he did a lot of thing for me that a friend would never do for me. So when you said, our relationship is just being friends. I don't think so. He put my happiness above his many times just so I can get what I want. When I wasn't working, he worked 2 jobs to maintain our life style working late nights for MY HAPPINESS. We would still go to nice restaurant, still travel... I didn't know that, because he will tell me that everything was fine. Meanwhile, he was stressed, he was tired but he did it for me, for us. Many times, he prefer putting my needs before his needs. I don't know any friend that do that.

I can't just show up and be like "you know what, screw our 5 years of work, screw everything you did for me, all the work, the patience. You don't have sex with me and that's all it matters so I'm leaving"
Leaving him for sex will be so unfair because marriage is not only about sex... It's also about putting each other above our own self. And he proved me that so many times.

Now we have a real problem and he is clearly not perfect. I said it, I think he is being very selfish in this aspect. But is the solution to leave him? After everything we did together. I'm not sure.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> I think it's not really about me being alone. Even though I don't like it, I can do it. I did it before many times. It's more about the fact that he did a lot of thing for me that a friend would never do for me. So when you said, our relationship is just being friends. I don't think so. He put my happiness above his many times just so I can get what I want. When I wasn't working, he worked 2 job to maintain our situation working late at night for MY HAPPINESS. He was stress, he was tired but he did it for me, for us. Many times, he prefer putting my needs before his needs. I don't know any friend that do that. And that's why, leaving him for sex will be so unfair because marriage is not only about sex... It's also about putting each other above our own self. And he proved me that so many times.
> 
> Now we have a real problem and he is clearly not perfect. I said it, I think he is being very selfish in this aspect. But is the solution to leave him? After everything we did together. I'm not sure.


Then don’t leave him. But, you don’t get to have it both ways. You have a husband that doesn’t want to bang you. He likes prostitution and porn better than having sex with you. A man that seeks prostitutes every time his wife leaves is not going to be cajoled into some remediation program when he has absolutely no reason to change. It’s not a big deal to you, and it’s not a big deal to him either.

This isn’t about him. It’s about you. Justify whatever you want, but you’re in an asexual relationship with a man who gets his jollies elsewhere. So get yourself a male prostitute and you’ll both be happy.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Then don’t leave him. But, you don’t get to have it both ways. You have a husband that doesn’t want to bang you. He likes prostitution and porn better than having sex with you. A man that seeks prostitutes every time his wife leaves is not going to be cajoled into some remediation program when he has absolutely no reason to change. It’s not a big deal to you, and it’s not a big deal to him either.
> 
> This isn’t about him. It’s about you. Justify whatever you want, but you’re in an asexual relationship with a man who gets his jollies elsewhere. So get yourself a male prostitute and you’ll both be happy.


Well, I never said I was ok with it. I said I don't consider that as cheating. Doesn't mean I want this to continue. And he doesn't even know that I know. He doesn't have any permission from me. But what I want is to (1) know why and (2) fix that problem. However, if he doesn't want to do those 1 and 2 then that would be a different discussion. That's why I posted this here, to see if a man or a woman can give me some insight on why man does that?! 

Because, usually it will be because their wife is not giving them any sex right? But obviously, I am not doing that. I'm the one who wants sex. That's why I'm so confused.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> Well, I never said I was ok with it. I said I don't consider that as cheating. Doesn't mean I want this to continue. And he doesn't even know that I know. He doesn't have any permission from me. But what I want is to (1) know why and (2) fix that problem. However, if he doesn't want to do those 1 and 2 then that would be a different discussion. That's why I posted this here, to see if a man or a woman can give me some insight on why man does that?!
> 
> Because, usually it will be because their wife is not giving them any sex right? But obviously, I am not doing that. I'm the one who wants sex. That's why I'm so confused.


You’re special. Make an appointment with an individual counselor and they can answer your questions about why there are men that would rather screw prostitutes than their wife. Maybe in the interim they’ll help you figure out what a MAN actually acts like.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> that is why i suggested you try to turn things around.
> there has to be a reason he gets escorts.
> Maybe they have blonde hair and you have black hair. so, if that is it, get a blonde wig or dye your hair.
> 
> and so on. Try to get to the bottom of what the heck is really going on. the rest of the marriage sounds good!


Well, I'm afraid that he got caught up in his fantasy fiction world. He is a big fan of Manga and I heard a lot of Japanese men in Japan get caught up in this fake world sometimes and don't even have real relationship. But that wouldn't explain the escorts then...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> _*Well, I'm afraid that he got caught up in his fantasy fiction world. He is a big fan of Manga and I heard a lot of Japanese men in Japan get caught up in this fake world sometimes and don't even have real relationship. But that wouldn't explain the escorts then...*_



It would seem you're every serial cheater's dream.

I'll just say good luck to you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

badsanta said:


> So a well seasoned sex worker somehow does not have "significant experience and extra training in sexual problems?"
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating the OP use a sex worker. I am just expanding the debate in a way to make everyone think differently. For the purpose of debate, I would think a sex worker would be very familiar with sexual issues and how to help people work through those issues in ways that are rather hands on so to speak.
> 
> Example: Lola's Bio — Lola Davina


Let's agree to disagree. I am going to generalize for the moment. My view of a "typical sex worker" (and my knowledge base is very limited from a long time ago) is that they are interested in removing money from their Johns as opposed to being psychology majors who like to heal the mental problems of their customers. 

Don't get me wrong some may have a carefully developed business model based on repeat customers and giving back to society. Still if their goal is repeat business then working to realign their customers mentally and emotionally with their wife is probably a bad business model.

So yes sex workers are probably have "significant experience and extra training in sexual problems...." However, that training is probably not based on psychological analysis, nor some of the couples relationship counseling styles such as, Emotionally Focused (Sue Johnson), observational based (Gottmans), or others.

*"......I am not advocating the OP use a sex worker. I am just expanding the debate in a way to make everyone think differently........ For the purpose of debate, I would think a sex worker would be very familiar with sexual issues and how to help people work through those issues in ways that are rather hands on so to speak........"*

I do agree that a sex worker might be good at helping a guy with ED have satisfying sex, or building up the ego and confidence of some guy who has had horrible experiences with women. However, I view that as significantly different than from the kind of help he would get with a counselor or certified sex therapist. I would expect after a licensed mental health worker he would be much more comfortable around most women, not just ones who want to lighten his wallet.

There are lots of movies and stories about the hooker with the heart of gold who falls in love and live happily after with their cutomer. Not sure it happens in real life. Also there are lots of stories about the stripper who is just working her way through college and has a heart of gold. Finally, looking at this from the other side of the dollar sign, there are lots of stories of guys who want to play the "knight in shining armor" who saves the damsel in distress (or the fallen woman---more popular in Westerns and Edwardian military stories), provides her with rehabilitation, introduces her to society and they live happily ever after.

Nothing wrong with *expanding the debate in a way to make everyone think differently.

P.S. as to "Lola Davina," her biography indicates, ".....While working, I earned an M.A. in Human Sexuality Studies........My human sexuality master’s thesis was on sex work and Social Contact Theory........" *So psychologically and/or sociology trained sex workers do exist. But if one is going to put the effort into screening a person based on their qualifications, I would still recommend a board certified sex therapist of marriage counselor.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So when a man goes inside another woman it's not cheating as long as she's a prostitute?

Ok


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> So when a man goes inside another woman it's not cheating as long as she's a prostitute?
> 
> Ok


Furthermore, if there is another man going inside her, even a prostitute, then it IS cheating. Clear as mud.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Furthermore, if there is another man going inside her, even a prostitute, then it IS cheating. Clear as mud.


I never said that 😂😂


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> So when a man goes inside another woman it's not cheating as long as she's a prostitute?
> 
> Ok


Jeez guys 😂😂😂, let's keep it classy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> Jeez guys 😂😂😂, let's keep it classy.


Like you husband? 

I've asked this several times and you never answer. You said he is trying to fix it. What specifically has he been doing to fix this problem?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

So, it's not cheating if money is exchanged? Well now that settles it. All the adulterers just need to carry some cash on them to slip in the AP's pocket after they finish slipping themselves in. problem solved lol. Wow, that's some major mental gymnastics right there.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I wouldn't end my marriage over porn, but him having sex with prostitutes who could have stds would be a divorce. I respect myself too much to share my husband with a prostitute. He could pass anything on to you. Some women are ok with husbands having sex with prostitutes because they never have sex. That is rare though. It all depends on what you are willing to put up with.


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## Nurse_Kat (12 mo ago)

Why are you thinking you're not at risk for contracting and STD just because your husband is only cheating with women? 

You're actually at a high risk for contracting HIV considering he's cheating with prostitutes who are a well known population to carry it. And you're also running a very high chance of contracting every other STD like chlamydia, gonorrhea and genital herpes (which you will carry for the rest of your life)

STOP having any kind of sex with him and get tested ASAP


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Snoopy2 said:


> Yeah I don't think I have a high sexual drive... I mean, in the past 2 years he never (not once) initiated sex. S*o the only time we would have sex would be when I initiated it which is once a month or once every 2 months, sometimes 3 months. *Depends. Usually during my fertility window but now it has been less and less because I'm tired of initiating it and I don't enjoy it as much.


You really need to read a few books by MW Davis. What you posted if once every 3 months is a sex starved marriage and they almost always are in crisis.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> Well, I never said I was ok with it. I said I don't consider that as cheating. Doesn't mean I want this to continue. And he doesn't even know that I know. He doesn't have any permission from me. But what I want is to (1) know why and (2) fix that problem. However, if he doesn't want to do those 1 and 2 then that would be a different discussion. That's why I posted this here, to see if a man or a woman can give me some insight on why man does that?!
> 
> Because, usually it will be because their wife is not giving them any sex right? But obviously, I am not doing that. I'm the one who wants sex. That's why I'm so confused.


The reason why some men will go to prostitutes is because they can't say no and will either have frequent sex during that session or they will do things for pay that the husbands cannot ask their wives to do.
They also go to escorts and prostitutes for affirmation they don't think they get at home.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> Well, I'm afraid that he got caught up in his fantasy fiction world. He is a big fan of Manga and I heard a lot of Japanese men in Japan get caught up in this fake world sometimes and don't even have real relationship. But that wouldn't explain the escorts then...


well that actually might be a pretty important clue.
I am not necessarily into manga, but really like to look at Cosplay girls. they are very sexy in the way the dress and act.

it would not be that hard for you to try some cosplay costumes on for him. Some are actually pretty inoffensive, such as a Sailor Moon costume? Or Poison Ivy? Ask him who his fav character is, and offer to do some cosplay dress up for him! See if he responds to that!

And you do not need to be a pro seamstress making your own costume, they are readily available for purchase.

For some, cosplay is an actual lifestyle, where they spend time making the costumes of their fav characters, going to various comic cons, and so on. And sex, while dressed up that way, can be really really hot!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> The reason why some men will go to prostitutes is because they can't say no and will either have frequent sex during that session or *they will do things for pay that the husbands cannot ask their wives to do.*
> They also go to escorts and prostitutes for affirmation they don't think they get at home.


If a wife were open, and freely discusses it, there is really nothing a man could not ask his wife to do. She, of course, does not have to let him do it, but knowing what kinky sex he craves is a big step towards starting to do things he DOES really like. 

I just have a strong feeling this guy can be fully satisfied at home. He has some kinky needs that he is afraid to divulge, but probably are not all that strange and the OP could provide.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> If a wife were open, and freely discusses it, there is really nothing a man could not ask his wife to do. She, of course, does not have to let him do it, but knowing what kinky sex he craves is a big step towards starting to do things he DOES really like.
> 
> I just have a strong feeling this guy can be fully satisfied at home. He has some kinky needs that he is afraid to divulge, but probably are not all that strange and the OP could provide.


He may not be communicating his desires, so she doesn't know them.
I'm not blaming the OP at all on that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> He may not be communicating his desires, so she doesn't know them.
> I'm not blaming the OP at all on that.


It seems he isn't communicating with her about sex at all. Just running off to cheat whenever he can. Awful man.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> He may not be communicating his desires, so she doesn't know them.
> I'm not blaming the OP at all on that.


and that is exactly WHY she might want to be proactive, and figure it out on her own. either asking him, or trial and error, or watching his porn with him...


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> well that actually might be a pretty important clue.
> I am not necessarily into manga, but really like to look at Cosplay girls. they are very sexy in the way the dress and act.
> 
> it would not be that hard for you to try some cosplay costumes on for him. Some are actually pretty inoffensive, such as a Sailor Moon costume? Or Poison Ivy? Ask him who his fav character is, and offer to do some cosplay dress up for him! See if he responds to that!
> ...


Yes that can be a cool idea. I wouldn't mind, the girls in manga look pretty cute. And look pretty close to my physics (not that I'm Japanese) but I am thin and petite....


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He may not be communicating his desires, so she doesn't know them.
> I'm not blaming the OP at all on that.


Yeah, he is not really communicative on that... That's why I think we are gonna do therapy. I talked to him yesterday and we are gonna schedule an appointment this week.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Like you husband?
> 
> I've asked this several times and you never answer. You said he is trying to fix it. What specifically has he been doing to fix this problem?


He went to therapy on his own, he did a testosterone test to see if there was someone wrong physically. But it doesn't look like it's a physical issue. But ww talked yesterday and we finally scheduled our first couple therapy session so I'm hoping this is gonna help!

And for your other question, we've been married for 2 years, together for 5.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> He went to therapy on his own, he did a testosterone test to see if there was someone wrong physically. But it doesn't look like it's a physical issue. But ww talked yesterday and we finally scheduled our first couple therapy session so I'm hoping this is gonna help!
> 
> And for your other question, we've been married for 2 years, together for 5.


I'm amazed at your tolerance of his behavior, but it is ultimately up to you and your husband. I glad to hear he isn't just saying he is trying to fix himself and has actually taken steps in that direction with therapy. Hope it work out how for you.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm amazed at your tolerance of his behavior, but it is ultimately up to you and your husband. I glad to hear he isn't just saying he is trying to fix himself and has actually taken steps in that direction with therapy. Hope it work out how for you.


Well, he is a very good person. I like him a lot and I don't really want to be with anyone else... but I also don't want to stay in this situation. He didn't take the best decisions for this but he also took good decisions for other aspect of our relationship... I know he want to get better and he want our marriage to work. I do too. 
But again, I feel like you guys are thinking I'm allowing this or I gave him permission lol. I didn't and I won't ever. I'm just trying to understand this behavior. I'm clear on the fact that I don't tolerate it. I just want to understand it. 
I don't want to judge him, I'm not perfect and he is not.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> Well, he is a very good person. I like him a lot and I don't really want to be with anyone else... but I also don't want to stay in this situation. He didn't take the best decisions for this but he also took good decisions for other aspect of our relationship... I know he want to get better and he want our marriage to work. I do too.
> But again, I feel like you guys are thinking I'm allowing this or I gave him permission lol. I didn't and I won't ever. I'm just trying to understand this behavior. I'm clear on the fact that I don't tolerate it. I just want to understand it.
> I don't want to judge him, I'm not perfect and he is not.


The only thing you gave permission is how you are treated. We all give that. 

Too many people tend to be passive and exercise learned helplessness, because they think they are stuck. We want you to know that you are not stuck and any decisions you do make are ones of your choosing.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm amazed at your tolerance of his behavior, but it is ultimately up to you and your husband. I glad to hear he isn't just saying he is trying to fix himself and has actually taken steps in that direction with therapy. Hope it work out how for you.


Also, like I said I don't feel frightened by his behavior. I just find it odd. Because I'm a very confident person. I know I could find another men easily if I leave. That's not the problem. The fact that he watch porn and don't have sex with me doesn't attack my self-esteem because I know I look pretty good so I don't think it's an attraction issue either. That's why I don't understand it at all. It's just weird to me that a man doesn't want to have sex with me... first time too lol. Like, what does he find in porn that he doesn't with me? I don't think it's physical. I don't know, but it might be fantasy or something. Just weird lol...

But thanks though. I appreciate your input.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> The only thing you gave permission is how you are treated. We all give that.
> 
> Too many people tend to be passive and exercise learned helplessness, because they think they are stuck. We want you to know that you are not stuck and any decisions you do make are ones of your choosing.


Yes I agree. I don't feel stuck at all actually. I just want to fix it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> Well, he is a very good person. I like him a lot and I don't really want to be with anyone else... but I also don't want to stay in this situation. He didn't take the best decisions for this but he also took good decisions for other aspect of our relationship... I know he want to get better and he want our marriage to work. I do too.
> But again, I feel like you guys are thinking I'm allowing this or I gave him permission lol. I didn't and I won't ever. I'm just trying to understand this behavior. I'm clear on the fact that I don't tolerate it. I just want to understand it.
> I don't want to judge him, I'm not perfect and he is not.


You and I have vastly different ideas of what a good person is. When you said you were going to counseling did you tell him you know he’s been screwing prostitutes? (I can’t believe you still have sex with him every 1 to 3 months after knowing this…) 

It’s your job to judge his moral actions and hold him accountable. You’re his wife. And you are VERY clear that you DO tolerate his behavior. If you didn’t tolerate it you wouldn’t be with him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am not sure if this is a guy thing or not, but sometimes we get some kinky thought in our heads, and we just can not get it out of there. Say it is getting laid as your dog watches, or something equally odd.

So some men can ignore that, and keep having "normal" vanilla sex.

Some men would accidently leave the door open with doggie treats under the bed, and hope for the best.

Some would tell their wife, and see what she says about it.

Some men would go out looking for a Dominatrix that owns two doberman pischers and wears a WWII leather outfit, but be afraid to ask his wife

in either case, it was that one kinky thing that set it all off.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> You and I have vastly different ideas of what a good person is. When you said you were going to counseling did you tell him you know he’s been screwing prostitutes? (I can’t believe you still have sex with him every 1 to 3 months after knowing this…)
> 
> It’s your job to judge his moral actions and hold him accountable. You’re his wife. And you are VERY clear that you DO tolerate his behavior. If you didn’t tolerate it you wouldn’t be with him.


No, it's not my "job" to judge his actions. You know why? Because I'm not a perfect human being. No one is. And not tolerating an action doesn't necessarily mean give up and leave, it can also mean fix it and stay. I don't want him to continue and he already know that.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> i am not sure if this is a guy thing or not, but sometimes we get some kinky thought in our heads, and we just can not get it out of there. Say it is getting laid as your dog watches, or something equally odd.
> 
> So some men can ignore that, and keep having "normal" vanilla sex.
> 
> ...


So having a kink makes a person lie and sneak around deceiving their wife to get that kink fulfilled? 

This is just gross! “Dress up like a cartoon Ho! That’ll make him want you!”, “Bring a prostitute in the room to get him going! That might help!” Are you guys smoking something? He is a liar, untrustworthy, sneaky, secretive, sex starver who puts his wife’s life at risk every time they have sex.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> No, it's not my "job" to judge his actions. You know why? Because I'm not a perfect human being. No one is. And not tolerating an action doesn't necessarily mean give up and leave, it can also mean fix it and stay. I don't want him to continue and he already know that.


It is our job to hold our significant other accountable for their actions especially when they are abusing us. It’s doesn’t matter if we are perfect, it’s how we create healthy boundaries in our marriage and in our lives.


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> It is our job to hold our significant other accountable for their actions especially when they are abusing us. It’s doesn’t matter if we are perfect, it’s how we create healthy boundaries in our marriage and in our lives.


Yes I agree, and that's why we are working together to get better. Again, it doesn't necessarily means give up and leave.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> I don't want him to continue and he already know that.


He knows that as of yesterday? And you said “I know you’re having sex with prostitutes”?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> He knows that as of yesterday? And you said “I know you’re having sex with prostitutes”?


Yes, of course I told him that I wouldn't want this anymore if he keeps acting like that. Because this isn't healthy. But I also try to understand why he does that. What can't I fulfill his needs... And I think that's where counseling might help.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> Yes I agree, and that's why we are working together to get better. Again, it doesn't necessarily means give up and leave.


Interesting that you say “together”. You just looked the other way for how long? “Together” began yesterday. There is no together yet. You don’t even know what a healthy marriage of “together” looks like.

Here is the thing, what he’s doing isn’t about you. Has nothing to do with you. Never was. It’s all about him and what’s going on inside his brain. Like an addict. But his drug of choice is porn and hookers. And you think you can fix this like somehow this is something you have control over. I’m sad for you. A two year marriage and you’re having sex with a guy who prefers prostitutes every 3 months. This is the start of your blissful marriage. What would your parents and family think about this? Your best friends? Or do you have any good friends.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> Yes that can be a cool idea. I wouldn't mind, the girls in manga look pretty cute. And look pretty close to my physics (not that I'm Japanese) but I am thin and petite....


there are lots of choices. here is one:





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You might bring it all up, considering he is into manga, as "i want to try some cosplay with you, to see if it will spice things up. Here are some costumes....which one would you like me to order. And, how about yourself, would you like a matching male costume to try?"

it seems like a low risk, low cost, way to try something new and potentially forward moving

Jeez, even just a cosplay wig might make a huge difference in how he reacts to you:





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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> So having a kink makes a person lie and sneak around deceiving their wife to get that kink fulfilled?
> 
> This is just gross! “Dress up like a cartoon Ho! That’ll make him want you!”, “Bring a prostitute in the room to get him going! That might help!” Are you guys smoking something? He is a liar, untrustworthy, sneaky, secretive, sex starver who puts his wife’s life at risk every time they have sex.


clearly you want her to get divorced.

if instead she wants to try to keep together, nothing you have said above is helpful


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> clearly you want her to get divorced.
> 
> if instead she wants to try to keep together, nothing you have said above is helpful


I hope she will leave an abuser. Absofrigginlutely. You telling her to dress up in sexy outfits for a man who is addicted to hookers is the opposite of helpful and healthy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> He went to therapy on his own, he did a testosterone test to see if there was someone wrong physically. But it doesn't look like it's a physical issue. But ww talked yesterday and we finally scheduled our first couple therapy session so I'm hoping this is gonna help!
> 
> And for your other question, we've been married for 2 years, together for 5.


I have no idea why he needed to have a testosterone test. He knows its ok, he is wasting all his sexual energies on porn and other women.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> Yes, of course I told him that I wouldn't want this anymore if he keeps acting like that. Because this isn't healthy. But I also try to understand why he does that. What can't I fulfill his needs... And I think that's where counseling might help.


Its not about you not fulfilling his needs, its about his total lack of integrity. 
I hate it when people are betrayed and then take the full blame on themselves. Its he who is acting appallingly, he doesn't need individual therapy, he needs to stop cheating. Hopefully your therapist will help you understand what a disgusting way he is behaving.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Snoopy2 said:


> No, it's not my "job" to judge his actions. You know why? Because I'm not a perfect human being. No one is. And not tolerating an action doesn't necessarily mean give up and leave, it can also mean fix it and stay. I don't want him to continue and he already know that.


In marriage we need to have boundaries with how we each behave. You appear to have no boundaries for him, he can act as he likes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> Also, like I said I don't feel frightened by his behavior. I just find it odd. Because I'm a very confident person. I know I could find another men easily if I leave. That's not the problem. The fact that he watch porn and don't have sex with me doesn't attack my self-esteem because I know I look pretty good so I don't think it's an attraction issue either. That's why I don't understand it at all. It's just weird to me that a man doesn't want to have sex with me... first time too lol. Like, what does he find in porn that he doesn't with me? I don't think it's physical. I don't know, but it might be fantasy or something. Just weird lol...
> 
> But thanks though. I appreciate your input.


He doesn't have to put in any effort whatsoever to get off watching porn. He can't be bothered. I'm glad to hear you're confident person who knows you could get along just fine without him and that is what I would recommend you do. The more you tolerate, the further he'll push it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Snoopy2 said:


> *7 months ago a created a post* *Young Sexless Married Couple. What do I do? where I shared with you my frustation with the fact that my husband didn't want sex anymore...
> 
> Well, 7 months later. I'm still at the same situation. Even worst, now I know why. I recently discovered that he actually watch porn 2 to 3 times per week and when I live the country to see my family (I'm from France) he sees escorts. *
> 
> ...


He is worthless. Please consult an attorney and get away from him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I hope your husband realizes he is one lucky sob. Most wives would have been throwing his crap out on the street when they found out he was having sex with prostitutes.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Ok, wow. I guess I will drop by and give my thoughts on this situation.

I think I understand you. When people here say your husband is not treating you well, you insist that he IS treating you well because maybe outside of the cheating and withholding intimacy, he is kind and respectful towards you, am I right? I can get that because I had an ex that was similar in that she was kind and decent to me, but she was also all over town banging other guys. 

One thing I see you keep saying is that you don't want to just end things because you have so much time and energy invested in this guy. This is the sunk cost logical fallacy. It is essentially an error in logic. Read this and give it some thought.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy - The Decision Lab

I think you have this decision to make....are you willing to stay with this guy knowing that he will likely not have sex with you, but he WILL be seeing hookers behind your back? I assure you, he will not stop. This is who he is. Even if you are right when you say that he loves you, love alone will not change the nature of a person. He can love you in his way but still prefer or be addicted to seeing escorts as his primary means of sexual gratification. Is that what you want? A lifetime of being the untouched wife while your husband always seeks the company of other women?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> Yes, of course I told him that I wouldn't want this anymore if he keeps acting like that. Because this isn't healthy. But I also try to understand why he does that. What can't I fulfill his needs... And I think that's where counseling might help.


Maybe you mentioned it, but have you both been tested for STDs? Is it possible he doesn't have sex with you because he has become infected (maybe with ultimately fatal disease), knows it, doesn't want to give it to you? Having sex with a hooker is like having sex with however hundreds (or thousands) of partners they have been with in their past. A fair fraction of hookers also use drugs, an another avenue of infection. Maybe he used "protection"(none of which is perfect) but who knows. So a woman having sex with a man who has been with hookers is rather high risk isn't it? You may become happy he has confined his attention to porn and hookers.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I haven't read the whole thread  , but have you asked him if he would consider couple counselling with you?


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Snoopy2 said:


> What I'm confuse about is the WHY behind all of that. Why prostitute and not me? why porn and not me? why???



OP, 

What I'm confused about is WHY you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you the way you want to be with them.


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## KateUnhappyWife (12 mo ago)

Snoopy2 said:


> *7 months ago a created a post* *Young Sexless Married Couple. What do I do? where I shared with you my frustation with the fact that my husband didn't want sex anymore...
> 
> Well, 7 months later. I'm still at the same situation. Even worst, now I know why. I recently discovered that he actually watch porn 2 to 3 times per week and when I live the country to see my family (I'm from France) he sees escorts. *
> 
> ...


I have exactly the same story with my husband. Ive tried everything to make him fancy me. I feel for you. Please dont let this knock your confidence. This is his issue and not your fault.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KateUnhappyWife said:


> I have exactly the same story with my husband. Ive tried everything to make him fancy me. I feel for you. Please dont let this knock your confidence. This is his issue and not your fault.


My hope is for all women to be able to stand up this behaviour in their marriage and refuse to put up with it. If more women refused to accept it in their marriage then fewer men would do it.


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