# Big Decisions For A Tortured Mind



## fow (Sep 6, 2012)

My fiance plays online video games on his phone. The games he plays comes with an online chat room and messaging apps to chat with other players. His activity on his game has been the source of major arguments as it takes up all of his time and something didn't feel right about what he was doing.

While I was in my hometown for a few weeks planning our wedding, he had text sex with one of the other online players. I found her half-naked photo hidden in his computer files, time-stamped a mere 2 hours after I left for my trip. I then uncovered hundreds upon hundreds of text messages between them while I was away.

An argument ensued of course. He deleted his game and the instant messaging app, promising to never flirt with other women again or talk with anyone from that online community again. And he is to be 100% honest with me at all times.

He then changed her name in his phone to a man's to hide her, so he could continue communicating with her. I busted him, he deleted it. I almost ended our relationship. This is cheating in my eyes.

This was a month ago. He plays a different online game now. While it doesn't come with an instant messaging app, it does have a private chat room for his team. He's been caught lying to me about little things since then, which makes me wonder what big things he's been lying about too. So I secretly joined his game to see if he'd do it again. He has been flirting with my character, so my character asked him to install a different messaging app. He did. And he had text sex with my character. I was hoping he'd be a man of his word and prove to me that he wouldn't do it again. I know it was wrong for me to do what I did.

Our wedding is just under a year from now. I'm feeling pressured to make a decision about reconciling (again) or leaving well before we get to the aisle. Leaving him would also mean moving back to my hometown, so this is more than just a relationship decision, this is an entire life decision.

Who here has survived/not survived something like this? It's destroyed me. Thank you for any insight.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

fow said:


> My fiance plays online video games on his phone. The games he plays comes with an online chat room and messaging apps to chat with other players. His activity on his game has been the source of major arguments as it takes up all of his time and something didn't feel right about what he was doing.
> 
> While I was in my hometown for a few weeks planning our wedding, he had text sex with one of the other online players. I found her half-naked photo hidden in his computer files, time-stamped a mere 2 hours after I left for my trip. I then uncovered hundreds upon hundreds of text messages between them while I was away.
> 
> ...


Your spouse may be among the growing contingent of men and women keeping divorce attorneys rich by becoming sex addicted. 

Gamers are typically already gamer addicted, sex addiction may easily follow. 

Personally as a betrayed spouse in a long term marriage, I think you are lucky you found this out before the wedding. 

If he is already cheating while you are engaged, what chance do you have of him staying faithful in a long term marriage. 

Don't saddle yourself with kids with this man, move on and find someone who can remain faithful.

Cheating early in a relationship is a very very very bad sign and the outcome is very shaky. 

You might take him to a sex addiction/Marriage counselor. Perhaps he can help.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

fow said:


> Our wedding is just under a year from now. I'm feeling pressured to make a decision about reconciling (again) or leaving well before we get to the aisle. Leaving him would also mean moving back to my hometown, so this is more than just a relationship decision, this is an entire life decision.
> 
> Who here has survived/not survived something like this? It's destroyed me. Thank you for any insight.


From an outsiders point of view, this is almost a no brainer. Call off the wedding. This guy is simply not marriage material. He's already having EAs before marriage, what more afterwards? 

Kick him to the curb. There are other more worthy men out there.


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## fow (Sep 6, 2012)

He doesn't view this as cheating. He views physical contact as cheating. Obviously we don't agree with each other. Our relationship has been so incredibly blissful otherwise and he is a good man. This is why I'm conflicted.

This began just after he proposed. I'd like to hear a man's perspective on this, especially the timing.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You are destroyed by something he isn't remorseful about even before you are married.

Run Forrest, Run!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

"He doesn't view this as cheating. He views physical contact as cheating."

At this point his view of fidelity ought to be meaningless.
He has lied and deceived you.
If he is doing something with another human being he wouldn't do in front of you, he is not being faithful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fow, you know you shouldn't marry him, right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The poor treatment you get before marriage will at least TRIPLE after marriage. In other words, it will only get worse. Do you want worse? Break it off. (the marriage, lol)


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Lots of red flags here. If you choose to ignore them or make excuses, then thats on you. Also if you choose to marry him, and this kind of behavior continues you really have no room to complain about whats going on. If a person shows you who they are, believe them. He is showing you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

fow said:


> He doesn't view this as cheating. He views physical contact as cheating. Obviously we don't agree with each other. Our relationship has been so incredibly blissful otherwise and he is a good man. This is why I'm conflicted.
> 
> This began just after he proposed. I'd like to hear a man's perspective on this, especially the timing.


He's just rationalizing his cheating, that's all it is. We've seen this situation before. And many EAs eventually progress to PAs. How will he try to justify it then? Ask him how he would like it if you started having your own EAs with other men?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

KanDo said:


> You are destroyed by something he isn't remorseful about even before you are married.
> 
> Run Forrest, Run!


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You fight with him because he spends all his free time on the game.

He sexts the other players

He hides it from you.

When caught, he lies to you and tries to hide it better.

Then when caught again, he lies s to you about ceasing the inappropriate online activity again.

Why don't you see if he will be willing to meet up with your online character in real life? Send him a risque of a hottie and see if he bites. Would that be enough to convince you not to marry him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great partner.

Not.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

My impulse is to tell you that you should run. 

And given his attitude on things, I think that would be wise. Give him the stakes. Tell him "We're not getting married." See what he's willing to do. Is he willing to go NC, and to give you full moderation of his electronic activities? If he's reluctant, that means there are other things in his life that are more important than you. And in that case, you need to break up. 

He's already lied to you multiple times. There's not a whole lot more to say.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, if it had been me in your shoes, the instant I found out that he - who supposedly loved me and wanted to marry ME - had sexted someone else, I would have called off the wedding.

The fact that you didn't, sadly enough, says more about you and your being needy and/or codependent than it does about him. He's just a run-of-the-mill schmuck guy. YOU are allowing it to continue. 

Why is that?


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## ajb3313 (Sep 5, 2012)

Has he done this throughout your entire relationship? It obviously all sounds inappropriate, but it also sounds like it could be an addiction, as someone else mentioned above. You're obviously far along in your relationship, but luckily not so far that you couldn't turn back. So, having said that -- and given that this seems to be happening with relative strangers (I'm guessing, since you mentioned chat rooms) -- you need to decide whether or not you can live with this just being in a blip. In other words, if it is in fact an addiction and has been occurring with strangers (I realize that's an odd distinction to make, but I think if we _are_ talking about something he's doing compulsively, that it's important), you could potentially "fix" it.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Just my 2 cents. 

I think you should go ahead and marry him like planned. Also have several kids together. And while you are busy taking care of the kids, changing diapers, wiping noses, picking up toys, possibly working a job or not, but taking care of the house, cleaning, cooking, etc, he will more then likely still be sex texting, playing online games etc. While you're having a break down from all the stress of home life, taking care of kids, working etc, and knowing your husband is still lying and hiding then what? 
Do you see what I'm saying? Bottom line, is this what you want for your future?

Most people do want to get married and have kids, and do the things together most married people do, BUT why purposely go into a situation where you already know its highly possible that this is the kind of behavior that will likely continue from him? 

I'm by no means saying people can't change because they can. BUT right now, he isn't showing you he wants to. Marrying him will not change who he already is, and you are seeing who he is.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Im with the others call off the wedding and count your blessings that you found out now before you had kids...my exwh had had an emotional affair with one of his gaming girl friends.. eventually became physical.. just like yours he would say all contact is done, then just find another way to contact her...

In the end the gaming and the girl was an addiction, he couldn't give it up... more important than his good life or son...


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## fow (Sep 6, 2012)

@will kane: too late, the cat's out of the bag. That's how I busted him.

@turnera: I'm not asking "should I dump him;" I'm perfectly capable of making that decision as it is mine alone to make. I'm trying to get to the root of his psychology here and see what methods are out there to help. Passing fast judgement is not helping.


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## fow (Sep 6, 2012)

@ajb: no this is new. He's only been doing this since we got engaged.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

fow said:


> @ajb: no this is new. He's only been doing this since we got engaged.


FOW:

Not trying to be judgmental, but you might want the research the probability of a man cheating this early in your life, while engaged and supposedly a time to be crazy in the fog about each other, not strangers. 

This is not a good sign. 

No matter what the root cause. 

The universe has given you a glimpse of your future with this man. 

The fact that he does not see what he does as cheating, shows how unreasonable and self absorbed he is. 

Ask him if it is okay if you do it?

If he says he wouldn't care run. 

If he acts enraged you know he knows he is cheating.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Sounds to me like he has serious addiction problems. Gaming addictions and possibly others. This isn't something you can fix, or figure out, he needs serious help\counseling!

How can you marry someone you cannot trust right out of the gate?
Trust is everything and you absolutely cannot trust him, yet you still plan on marrying him :scratchhead:


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> Sounds to me like he has serious addiction problems. Gaming addictions and possibly others. This isn't something you can fix, or figure out, he needs serious help\counseling!
> 
> How can you marry someone you cannot trust right out of the gate?
> Trust is everything and you absolutely cannot trust him, yet you still plan on marrying him :scratchhead:


FOW:

I agree. Your engagement is like a twin engine airplane. One of the engines of your engagement has malfunctioned. 

The craft is on a downward spiral. 

The universe has given you the opportunity to pull the ripcord on your parachute and land without being hurt too much. 

Take it. 

Jump off this damaged engagement plane. 

Don't stay on and wait for it to crash and burn.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your so called fiance knows how to and does lie, and very easily---he has no morals, and the biggest thing is---he is giving you a preview of what your life would be like with him

If he was really into you---all of this would have stopped---it hasn't

Just remember one thing---you only get one trip thru life on this planet, one and one only----here you are a year prior to a wedding, and you can't get this guy to stop cheating----what is there for you to think about----maybe what you really want to ask us---is, what level of misery/and how much misery, do I want to endure for my trip thru life on this planet!!!!!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Its one thing to go into a marriage not knowing certain things about your spouse, but quite another to enter into a marriage knowing about your spouse and the things they are doing. I'm assuming most people who marry that know what their spouse is doing, do so in hopes they will change. However, that rarely ever happens.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He has to want to help himself, and from what you've told us, he is clearly not there, not even close. it sucks but you ca count yourself lucky that this came early on, it will be relatively easier than if it came later at least which ever way it goes.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Why don't you see if he will be willing to meet up with your online character in real life? Send him a risque of a hottie and see if he bites. Would that be enough to convince you not to marry him?




This is EXACTLY what I would do. Really test him. If he fails the test then you will know for sure what kind of person he really is. Be prepared to go all the way with it though. He may not be swayed to cheat at first, so act like an interested party, persue him. My BS claimed she wasn't tempted to cheat with the OM at first but alas, she gave in. Sigh.... Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fow said:


> @will kane: too late, the cat's out of the bag. That's how I busted him.
> 
> @turnera: I'm not asking "should I dump him;" I'm perfectly capable of making that decision as it is mine alone to make. I'm trying to get to the root of his psychology here and see what methods are out there to help. Passing fast judgement is not helping.


 You are trying to change him. That's impossible. That's not judgment; it's fact. If you marry a cheater, you will STAY married to a cheater, who never stops cheating.

What makes you think he will stop?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sara8 said:


> The universe has given you a glimpse of your future with this man.


 Exactly.

Is what he is doing showing you love?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here is the root of his psychology:



fow said:


> My fiance plays online video games on his phone. The games he plays comes with an online chat room and messaging apps to chat with other players. *His activity on his game has been the source of major arguments* as *it takes up all of his time* and something didn't feel right about what he was doing.
> 
> While I was in my hometown for a few weeks planning our wedding, *he had text sex with one of the other online players*. I found* her half-naked photo hidden in his computer files*, time-stamped a mere *2 hours after I left for my trip*. I then uncovered *hundreds upon hundreds of text messages* between them while I was away.
> 
> ...


 Why are you dependent on him for where you live? Place an ad for a roommate and live where you want to. Then make him PROVE to you that he can change.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He is investing heavily in time and attention outside your relationship already, that's cheating, that's dishonest. Perhaps it isn't physical yet, does it really matter? It won't stop there, it will escalate. It will, you know it will. He obviously can not stop himself alone, he may not even accept that he had a problem yet. You can't do the work for him, you just can't. You want to give him an opportunity? Fine, follow the advice, move out, look after yourself, prepare for the worst even while you hope for the best, but make him prove he gets it. That you are valuable to him, valuable enough to face his problems, not get better at hiding them. He's going to need to kick the gaming addiction, and get to the root of it, he's going to need to commit to you, and only you, and prove it. He has to do that, you cannot.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

fow said:


> He doesn't view this as cheating. He views physical contact as cheating. Obviously we don't agree with each other. Our relationship has been so incredibly blissful otherwise and he is a good man. This is why I'm conflicted.
> 
> This began just after he proposed. I'd like to hear a man's perspective on this, especially the timing.


Hi Fow sorry you are here this is the new type of cheating on line affairs because of technology alot cheaters will say well its not physical contact so it cant be cheating however it is emotional contact and it can be just as or more severe than real cheating on the betrayed so yes i agree with you it is cheating or going outside of your relationship and finding comfort in another


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

fow said:


> He doesn't view this as cheating. He views physical contact as cheating. Obviously we don't agree with each other. Our relationship has been so incredibly blissful otherwise and he is a good man. This is why I'm conflicted.
> 
> This began just after he proposed. I'd like to hear a man's perspective on this, especially the timing.


It's cheating. He knows it is too that's why he's hiding it and not doing it with disclosure to you.

He just doesn't want to agree since it would make him in the wrong and invalare his justification for doing it.

You've given him second and third chance here and he has done nothing to really stop it. You already are inthe position of cop catching him in lies. You've gone the extra mile already.

Time to move on from ths one. He has shown you what his priorities are.


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