# Need experienced advice on what to do!



## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

I am looking for some experienced guidance, to help me decide what to do, long story short, married 18 years, was told in May that she wanted a separation, did not want anyone else, just wanted to be free. There were signs which although I saw, such as saving by accident on our joint internet account a 1 bedroom apartment, lots of talking with our divorced friends, visits to unusual locations (Could see via find my iphone, yes I was suspicious, but hoped for the best), probably looking at places to stay, for a whole year, things would be said such as I want to retire, she is 41, lack of interest in our internet business which we run from home. Lack of sex. I compensated by working hard 7 days a week to improve the business, doing upwards of 90% of everything, but it was never enough. Complaints not spending enough time with family, we have a 9 year old Daughter. She spent most of her time socialising or being out, and had periodical bursts of this must be done around the house or for the business and then walk out the door and nothing then happened from her side. She only thought in terms of how to get a new car or holidays. We live in a nice part of the UK, Guildford, large 7 bedroom home, which we built together, me the money and her organising a bit of the works. But a few years ago I lost my company which generated the cash and was at a lost what to do as no qualifications, banked everything on a legal action which failed which left me with a lot of debts, it was either pursue and risk everything or stop, so I stopped the action. Could not find another job that I wanted, and at the same time she started her internet business which after 6 months I could see the potential and then did everything I could to make it better, it now turns over £15,000 per month at 40%. I raised finance, set-up all the systems, marketing, customer service, packing etc. She took a back seat as had no interest in these things. She recently said she could of done them, but she did not, she just would not take on anything, if I asked her, she just did not do, no matter how many times I asked, which caused a lot of frustration on my side. 

Anyway, a friend of hers invited her to Mali Africa for a free holiday a week after she said she wanted a separation, I moved to another bedroom and although I was devastated I was hopeful she meant what she said about taking time out of the marriage and I could change, even on the way to the airport we were discussing taking a holiday to the East in the Winter, she even said she had been invited with her friend to a dinner evening, but not to worry as he was gay, but when she returned she then told me it was over for now for sure, I did the usual begged, pleaded etc. but later the same evening a mysterious request appeared on our joint internet account for her. I confronted her and she assured it was nothing just a friend who was a bit keen. But the same weekend, I noticed her phone was glued to her, she usually let our daughter have the phone, but not any more, so we were both doing the gardening and I noticed she had left it on her desk, turned downwards, but I picked it up and I could see a message asking her for nude pictures of her gardening. Then I knew something had happened. I should say three earlier she went on a sex rampage with 5 men so she admits and I was still trying to recover from that. So I was very vigilant, which she did not like. Her reasoning has been I caused it all, made her take anti depressants and this was her bursting. But this time is different I have had to suffer in my own home, her constantly being in touch with this man, and being drip fed plans. Since then she has moved to her bedroom to 'work' taken even less interest in the business and constantly on the phone with him, our daughter has even been introduced to him via a web cam and is due back in Portugal at the end of October, has left his wife and child and they are planning to move in together, very soon, she has just booked a ticket today and has also seen him once in July, although she said she was going with her friends, she did not understand photo stream can sync back photo's so I saw everything, I wanted to be sick, him smiling in bed with her suitcase behind him. He calls 2/3 times every day, but can now see the number so do not pick up, or cancel it if I can. Her answer to all of this is she wants to be happy, which I cannot argue with, if it will she should do what she wants. But I have been left in limbo for the last 6 months, as she is waiting for him to arrive, I cannot date as who will accept a 50 year old, with his wife still in the same home, not that I feel like it at the moment.

When she goes hopefully my life can begin again, In this time it has progressed from separation to divorce, she has been to see one lawyer that told her she will get two thirds of everything and had worked out how much to repair the house for the best price. Here come the complications the house is in my name and the business in hers. I have been to see two lawyers that say more likely 50/50, plus maintenance for the child, So we have an impasse, and more than that if we can agree whilst married a settlement it would be tax free, afterwards it will incur taxes. The business can just about keep us afloat if she moves out, and can improve, I will take in 5 lodgers, 3 already to help with finance, I have told her I will run business she can have half of profits, I will keep house as this is where store the goods, we have a lot of space, but work for free she will receive her income without having to do anything. More than this she wants to leave our daughter with me, to finish her current school year and the she plans to take her to Portugal for the next year probably in July. My lawyer says this will work in my favour, as by then she will have abandoned the home, I will hopefully have looked after her for 8 months and a precedent will be set, I am the responsible parent, by leaving she will have to show to a court it is in her best interests, loss of close family, father, learning a new language, loss of education as a result, loss of friends and the home she was brought up in. My wife is already bribing her with a dog to come with her. The law says she cannot go without my permission which I will refuse, apart from a holiday, she cannot do it at the moment as she has only known this man for 7 days plus telephone, no school organised and uncertain finances.

Then we move onto the legal side neither one of us can afford legal costs, so having been advised that the financial side if disputed could cost £30K and child custody about £40K, each party to pay their own costs she as far as I am aware has no ability to pay the monthly legal costs, and most solicitors/lawyers are not going to be interested in deferring costs for someone in another country, she may be stuck without a joint agreement.

So what do I do?

I should also say despite the above, I do miss her, she has given me no reason to hope in the last 6 months, in fact I am blamed for everything, what she is doing is my fault, if it was not him, it would be someone else, but still we remain relatively normal with each other, but she has no shame or compassion, every one I speak to says WHAT she is running off with a guy she barely knows and giving up on you and your daughter and whilst your husband lives's in the same house whilst you do this.

I have done a 180 for a while, but makes no difference, do not ask where she goes etc. Only exception is her sister lives with us and she has given me lots of info, apart from that the only thing I have not done is get on with my own life, just work. It is all I think about everyday, am on meds, but the only issue is being distant is what I used to do when we had an argument so for her it may just be the same as before and certainly no reason to change her mind. The one thing that keep my going is somewhere someone posted this, 'Just Let them go' and in truth it seems just about right, but everyday I go between wanting to find a way and realising it is too late, but hoping she comes back.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> she has been to see one lawyer that told her she will get two thirds of everything


This is a big problem. She's got this idea in her head that she's entitled to much more than half, because she went to an attorney who intends to escalate the conflict by filling their client's head with unreasonable expectations and causing a fight where there otherwise might not be one. My exwife's attorneys did that. It resulted in a long drawn out litigation, in the end she got what was reasonable, not what was promised by her attorneys. Maybe you can show her some case law from your region, where the average settlement is about half of the assets to each party. 



coolhandscott said:


> I have done a 180 for a while, but makes no difference


The 180 is not some sort of manipulative tool designed to win back your soon to be ex spouse.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

Hi Lenzi,

Thanks for such a quick response, you are right, I do feel a bit better doing the 180 anyway, it helps with self respect, but cannot get her out of my mind, that there might be a difference in her as result. I guess I need to get back to the core reason for doing so and forget about her reaction.

She went to see the lawyer 3 weeks ago and suggested I get advice and told her a bit about what was said, I went to another to double check and he said the same, Advised her it might be better to get truly independent advice, rather than one of friends acquaintances for lunch, who probably just wanted to get into her pants.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

Restart your social life by connecting with old friends.
Start exercising to build self-confidence and relieve stress.
Start a hobby that you may have wanted to do for years.
Buy new clothes, get a new hairstyle, start wearing cologne.

Please most importantly, stop talking about her. You and your life are yours and not some other person's to determine.

My WAW left when I was 47. I had a new GF the same night I told her she should see other people if I was not the one to make her happy. You can get more tail than you can imagine, trust me.

Be strong,
Stretch


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