# Wife hates hobbies part 2.



## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

So I started a thread a while back...

Summary I am a car guy...I have been since I was 16. I also have a car related business..so this is a bit deeper than just a hobby.

I have a show car than I have been slowly building for the course of the last 2-3 years..I'm pretty good at what I do and my goal is to finally get a car into SEMA this year. For those who have no idea of what that is..it's basically the worlds biggest car show with the best builders around period.

Here's the problem with my marriage and its a huge issue. It creates fights all the time. I don't come rushing home from work to just work on it right away..I literally on a good week get about 10 hrs in it including weekends. Most of the time it's much less.

I literally can never work on it in peace..my wife comes up with 'tasks' around the house that need to be done..although many of these tasks could be done by her...she refuses to do anything seemingly unless I participate at the same time.

I come home..we sit down for dinner I get met with the honey do list..she will sit there and spend 2 hours making a salad and destroy the kitchen and then I'm supposed to spend the rest of the night cleaning appearantly...and if I dare get anything done on the car and something inside the house is out of order I might as well be the lowest pos on the planet. At least that's how I feel.

Here's the thing. We do an equal amount of work to the house. We have a small child so it's not perfect. Even if i slave away and have every inch clean its a mess again the very next day..I truely feel that if I do things her way all the time..there literally is no time ever to complete my goal.

I'm so fed up with this..am a supposed to just submit and give up? Funny thing is she was in nursing school up until a couple months ago and she swore she would back off and she would start doing more around the house...well 2 months later nothing has changed.

I just don't get how it's a problem. Unless my attention is 100% on her and the family every waking moment until I hit the pillow I feel like she's just mad about it. In reality I could have had this thing done a year ago under normal circumstances and not even pushing that hard. I started doing it at home so it wasn't time away from the family and just the fact im in the garage is just unacceptable appearantly.

Arguing about it is like bashing my head against a brick wall..logic does not apply. Anyone else feel like this? It's to the point I just feel guilty for working on it and I truely feel I shouldn't feel like that. It sucks. It's become her favorite complaint to extended family and friends..all she is doing is pushing me away even more.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I'm curious, does she go to car shows with you, ever? Any way to include her in the garage or have her hand out an chit chat while you're doing it?
I've done that, not every single time I'm out there but amazingly it works. Bring some food/snack/drinks and shout the breeze with her. Basically, make her you pit honey 

I have a Foxbody Mustang and my exW never complained if I worked on it. It's a not SEMA nice but it's a nice street/strip car that I used to take to the weekly circuit of car shows at the local restuarants, etc.

Any chance she hates the money you spend on the car as a hidden agenda on her part?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You sound like you resent doing your fair share of the housework, and don't appreciate the effort she puts into cooking. 

Do you spend a lot of time together? Do you have a date night? Do you go out of your way to make her feel loved and appreciated? 

You should gave a hobby and so should she. However she probably feels overwhelmed with a small child and feels a bit like it's ground hog day.


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## Melinda123 (May 1, 2015)

I have the same situation, except my husband resents time spent on my hobby. He feels it is time taken away from him. I try to spend time on it when he isn't home, but that amount of time keeps dwindling. I'm happier doing what I enjoy; it is relaxing and cathartic for me. 

He is a car guy and I try to join him in his hobby. We go to auto shows, car dealerships, events. I encourage him to buy whatever car he wants. Currently he is looking at a Chrysler Hellcat. I would love for him to build a car or take on a classic. 

He has attended ONE event of mine in 30 years. He demanded I sell everything related to this hobby upon retirement. I have given him the analogy that this is part of me and I'm not getting rid of it, anymore than he should stop driving/enjoying cars. 

I can tell you that it is hard to raise kids and they take so much time, let alone working, the house, the yard, groceries, laundry, etc. etc. Perhaps hire a housekeeper? Even once every two weeks makes such a difference in stress levels. Show her you care - go out for dinner, the 2 of you, once a month at least? If there is some way to involve her in the car stuff, and your child, that would help. You have an expensive hobby and it is going to be an ongoing concern. Looking back, I wish I had let the housework go and been more flexible. I did have a housekeeper off and on over the years and it really helped. I had a back injury and hired one the first time; after the birth of each kid I hired a housekeeper again. Good luck - hope you work things out.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm not seeing anything new here. No progress, more resentment. 
I know you want it all, but, which do you want more?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It seems that your wife - for whatever reason - feels threatened by your car hobby. It may be that she perceives that the hobby is more important to you than she is. I don't know if that's actually true. Do you enjoy the hobby more than you enjoy spending time with her? If so, even if you think you're being careful not to act like it, she's likely picked up on that and feels threatened. Alternately, she may harbor feelings of abandonment - either from family of origin issues or as a result of your marital/lifestyle dynamic - that have her feeling like anything that takes you any farther (emotionally and/or physically) away from her is a threat. 

How much time each week do the two of you spend alone together doing fun date-like things?

Does she have hobby/alone time in which to do things for herself?

Do you know what her primary love languages are, or what her top emotional needs are? Are you meeting those needs consistently or communicating to her consistently in her love language?

Have y'all tried marriage counseling?


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

Out of curiousity, what hobbies does she have? DOes she regularly spend time on her hobbies?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

chris007 said:


> Out of curiousity, what hobbies does she have? DOes she regularly spend time on her hobbies?



I was thinking the same thing. I don't consider working out a hobby, we both workout, just not together. However, music is my hobby (that is playing music). I turned our spare bedroom into a music studio and would and still do spend considerable time in there. My wife used to get kind of upset, but less now. What happened?

I did not include her in my hobby, it is my hobby. What I did was sell off a few items (to makes some room). Then moved her hobby table into the music studio (also organized the room better). She has complained waaaay less since this new arrangement happened. 

So, to the OP - not that you will move her hobby stuff to the garage but maybe spend a weekend, finding a space (you may have to do work or give up something) for her if she has any hobbies. This does not get either you away from the day in and out responsibilities. I hope this little suggestion helps.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think most of us can agree that time priority is:

Spouse
Kids
Self
Job
Hobby

Your comment that she spends two hours making a salad indicates to me that what you perceive is probably different than what actually happens.

Also, you say she was in nursing school. Did she stop? Did he stop to devote more time to you and the kids? If she did, did she see a reciprocal concession from you? She gave up a career yet you still have a hobby?

Can you clarify these points?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think most of us can agree that time priority is:
> 
> Spouse
> Kids
> ...


I'm not sure you are right about this. I see a lot of different priorities orders right here on TAM. And quite frankly, Self = Hobby. Obviously her view of priority is greatly different from his. 




Chris Taylor said:


> Your comment that she spends two hours making a salad indicates to me that what you perceive is probably different than what actually happens.
> 
> Also, you say she was in nursing school. Did she stop? Did he stop to devote more time to you and the kids? If she did, did she see a reciprocal concession from you? She gave up a career yet you still have a hobby?
> 
> Can you clarify these points?


Without digging for specific Quotes She stopped the nursing school when she graduated. 

Here is what will happen if this course continues. She will continue to badger and harass until he complies. With growing resentment he will spend less and less time on this hobby until he sells off the car and tools. She will continue to manufacture longer and longer lists of acceptable (honey do lists) hobbies in an attempt to control him. 

The more he comples to her control tactics the weaker she will percieve him as being. She will lose respect for him. She will start to find him predictable. The mystery will be gone. She will say that he has changed and is boring. She will find someone else who has interesting hobbies (like automotives, hunting, or music). Because she has no respect for her husband, the interest will quickly move to a Physica affair.

To avoid this inevitable futre all he needs to do is put her first on his priority list, like this:
1: never fail another s*** test.
2: Maintain an air of mystery by spending time on things she doesn't understand (hobbies)
3: Establish dominance by establishing firm boundaries (hobby time will not be interupted) (you made a mess in the kitchen and you will clean it up)

With a priority list like this he can keep her happy, provide for the family, and prevent divorce.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She spends 2 hours making a salad and destroying the kitchen? I think you are exaggerating. You two need to make a schedule you are both happy with. Once you agree to that schedule then she needs to not bring up chores that need to be done during the time you are suppose to be working on the car. 

Say you agree that you spend an 1 on the weeknights and 2 1/2 hours on Sat and Sun working on the car. That's a total of 10 hours. I don't see how that would be a problem for her. Have you brought up doing a schedule?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dawg if she was in nursing school, especially to be a registered nurse, she had plenty on her plate. I've had students with accounting and tax law majors that flunked out of nursing school.
Budget your time and set aside an appropriate amount for your hobby, bearing in mind the family needs take precedents. If its taking you all the night to clean up the kitchen, you've got n unusually big kitchen or you're doing it wrong. If she's out of school, ya'll need to sit down and determine who's responsible for what.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I remember you. You also mentioned in your previous thread that you have other hobbies that you engage in on top of your 10 hours/week on the car. 

Your wife wants attention from you. Obviously, she can't have attention all of the time. However, it sounds like she was working hard in nursing school (which isn't exactly easy), taking care of her share of the housework, and taking care of the kiddo. That's a lot to do in a week, right? 

Likewise, you have your job - but you complain about having to do your part of the housework because you want to run outside and play. There are other things that need to come first before you can go do that. 

First, you need to drop the resentment attitude. If you want your wife to back off of you, you need to make sure that you are covering your half of everything that needs to get done. How is she going to b*tch at you - if you've already done your part? THEN, you need to make sure that you and your wife are spending adequate time together (many suggest at least 15 hours/week). AFTER you've made sure you've done the big boy stuff - THEN you can go play. 

I'm not making fun. I promise. I'm just teasing a little.

How about both of you make a list of what you each feel like you do around the house.

Make a different list of what NEEDS to be done around the house.

Put your names by each item on the list. This is what you will be responsible for each week. Agree that you will not ask more of the other person unless something major happens to the house that requires the other partner to help. I'm not talking about changing a light bulb. I'm talking like a hot water heater goes out or something. 

Decide who will take care of the kid on which nights or if you will have a family night where all of you are together.

Set up a couple of days (not every single day...you HAVE to be realistic here) that you will work on ONE hobby. 

If you're doing 10 hours/week on your car - that's 2 hours a day for 5 days of the week. I would get annoyed by my H doing that because he doesn't get off work until 430. He would come home, eat, and go play for 2 hours - which means he wouldn't be back inside until 730. While that's not late, the children are in bed by 8. So, he would get all of 30 min with them. Not cool. Even if he waited until they went to bed at 8 - he would be spending time with the kids, then go outside at 8 - not come in until 10, and by then I would be pretty tired. I like to talk to my H. I enjoy spending time watching movies with him at night and cuddling. I also very much enjoy sex. If his hobby cut into sex time for me...I would be more than just a little peeved. 

He could do 5 hours each day on a weekend, but that would be rather annoying too since that is when we spend time together as a family. 

I don't know your personal schedule, I'm just saying that if both of you are already busy - 10h/week on a hobby can be a lot. You get to work in your hobby's industry, then you come home and want to spend a lot of time doing that hobby as well when there are responsibilities at home. There can be a compromise, but you two HAVE to talk it out together like we told you before in the other thread.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Sounds like the issue is not so much the car, but her desire for attention. Now, we can't know whether she is actually not getting a reasonable amount of that from you -- or she is a woman that cannot get enough attention regardless of what you do.

Either party can be unreasonable in this area to be sure, but too often I think people default into thinking you must be neglecting her. Giving her attention is thoughtful, and a nice thing to do. Allowing you some time to pursue things you enjoy is also.

You might want to take notice of what "attention and compliments" means in the Coping With Infidelity forum.


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Shes not starved for attention and no im not spending multiple hours on multiple hobbies..and in reality its not even a hobby its part of my job for advertising and spreading word. And another point is being a business owner i have some down time other than weekends.

The point is any time spent on the car if its 1hr or 15 hrs she constantly interrupts me and sometimes starts fights. I think its just being way too over needy. Its not about doing my fair share of the work around the house because i can be working all day and come home fo a complete disaster of a house and shes been there all day i hardly view that as fair. Essentially her approach is all of my free time she feels is 100% hers. 

If i submit and just basically abandon it and work on it 30 min every 2 weeks nothings ever gonna get done. I just want her to support my passion instead of it always being all about her. She says its not like that but if i let her have her way every free night and every free moment gets filled up with something. She has never been to any car shows and has hardly even ever been to my shop.


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

As I suspected a lot of people were act as if she is attention starved and doing all the housework and thats hardly the case...she has free time too. on the rare week where i do get more time on the car than a couple hrs..its on a weekend where shes away or i have a couple slow days at work. Its really not that much on a week where i work a normal 9-5 or so. Those days im too tired to deal with it anyways. I just dont see the big deal in giving someone a little space once and a while to do their thing instead of obsessing over what else they 'could' be doing..its a deeper control issue unfortunately i dont think it will be fixed until im not looked at as the only problem in the equasion.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Follow up question:

(From her perspective) Were you place onto this world to entertain and fulfill her?


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

sometimes I wonder if she really thinks that. Don't get me wrong it's not all hell all of the time it just gets that way when I feel like she is trying to book entire weekends down to the minute and it's usually all about chores around the house. For one thing the entire weekend shouldn't be filled up with picking up the slack for the entire last week. This weekend was a great example...she talked about cleaning all week and what she had planned..what actually happened is I wound up doing all of the organizing and she pretty much just washed her car..so yeah it's a sore subject because I pick up the slack and get no credit and get the 3rd degree when I dare work on my car. It's supposed to be a team effort. During the summer it's just our baby not my stepson so it's just one kid to look after. I just get hit with defensiveness and blame shifting when I try to approach the issue.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi 3k,
Listen good.
I have been in your situation and would suggest it has little to do with how much actual TIME you spend with her.
She may not be able to express this well but she obviously yearns for a time when YOU MADE HER FEEL SPECIAL.
Your wife's ROMANTIC ATTACHMENT to you is waning and she is giving you a clear red flashing signal.
Unless you want to lose your woman to another man (trust me it happens quick dude) you need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I'm not saying it's easy (I've been there and I didn't see the signals) but my lack of attention contributed to my wife having an affair and leaving.
Learn from my very difficult lesson and find a way to emotionally re-connect and re-capture her romantic interest.
After that, she will give you all the time in the world.
Try reading NMMNG for some good suggestions about how to light that fire between her legs again.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

3kgtmitsu said:


> sometimes I wonder if she really thinks that. Don't get me wrong it's not all hell all of the time it just gets that way when I feel like she is trying to book entire weekends down to the minute and it's usually all about chores around the house. For one thing the entire weekend shouldn't be filled up with picking up the slack for the entire last week. This weekend was a great example...she talked about cleaning all week and what she had planned..what actually happened is I wound up doing all of the organizing and she pretty much just washed her car..so yeah it's a sore subject because I pick up the slack and get no credit and get the 3rd degree when I dare work on my car. It's supposed to be a team effort. During the summer it's just our baby not my stepson so it's just one kid to look after. I just get hit with defensiveness and blame shifting when I try to approach the issue.


How old is your baby? Taking care of a baby is actually a lot of work (!), and she probably needs your support--not to mention some quality time/adult interaction. It sounds to me like she needs some help and some attention from you.

ETA: "Just washing the car" might be a huge accomplishment if she's constantly caring for a baby or running around after a toddler.


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

This kind of behavior started before the child came into the picture. Its been a 'we need to do stuff' argument which typically ends in her doing very little of it. She believes shes anal and organized but thats not true in real life..she just wants stuff to be all anal and organized without her actual participation consistently.


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