# my husband hates me



## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

hi everybody. i would like to share my problem with you, because i can't find a solution by myself.
my husband and i are married for two years now. we met on the internet and he moved from a country 10.000 kilometres away to where i live. we speak english with each other, because we have different mother languages. that sometimes makes communication a bit difficult. ever since we are together it happens again and again that - to me totally out of the blue - he gets upset with me and stops speaking to me for weeks. during those periods he sleeps on the sofa in the living room and totally ignores me while i can't wrap my head around what i have done wrong. when i ask him he usually gets mad and tells me to not talk to him. after some time i can talk to him again and when i ask for the reason he tells me that something in my behavior irritated him. looking back on two years of marriage i have to say that he is annoyed with me and not talking about 50% of the time which makes me very depressed. yesterday we've had one of those talks after he has been ignoring me for 3 weeks and he said that during these periods he actually hates me and he would have to find out why he hates me so much sometimes. that came as a shock to me, especially because he said, that my former boyfriends probably hated me just the same and i wouldn't find any man who didn't! that made me really sad.
i think he is depressed because he can't find a job here and doesn't speak the language well yet and maybe he mixes his depression with his feelings for me. i love him very much and i never felt any hatred for him at all. i really don't understand what place his feelings are coming from and how i can change to make him happier. and do i have to change at all? he says i am too emotional and that makes him feel uncomfortable. 
so i am facing a husband i am very much in love with but he just hates many of my traits and he will probably get annoyed be my behavior again and again in the future, no matter how hard i try. i really don't know what to do to keep him and not totally destroy myself.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

first up - why did he stop talking to you this time? A fight/ argument/ disagreement?


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

I feel for you, you can't possibly know what's going on in his head if he won't tell you. Please ignore his comment about past boyfriends hating you - how would he know, he is just being mean out of anger.
He very well could be frustrated trying to find work and not speaking fluent, his self esteem may be very low. That doesn't give him a right to be cold to you. He may be feeling lost leaving his home and not having the success he had hoped for.
It seems you have tried to sit down and get him to talk, he may not know how to communicate what he feels, or he may be feeling bad about himself and instead of dealing with it and talking he is taking it out on you.
Is there any chance of you having counselling together, as a way of getting him to open up?
I understand you love him very much and you want it to work, just remember there is only so much you can do on your side of the relationship. Do not let him destroy your spirit. I'm hoping others may be able to offer more practical advice ...


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

blissful said:


> first up - why did he stop talking to you this time? A fight/ argument/ disagreement?


he stopped talking because three weeks ago i was sitting next to him in the car when he almost crashed into another car. i got nervous and yelled "stop!", then i sighed with relieve that nothing happened. he told me that my reaction made him very nervous and i shouldn't be so emotional in the future, just say "stop" very calmly.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Honey, you do everything as a wife. don't treat him the way he treats you. still speak, kill him with kindness and most of all pray for him. ask God to search you and find out if there's something in you that reminds him of someone he was with in his past, or maybe you have traits that his mom or sister had that he didn't like. could be a number of things. But in the meantime, ask God to reveal these things to you . Trust me, I'm going through a similar situation.


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

hunter_aussie said:


> I feel for you, you can't possibly know what's going on in his head if he won't tell you. Please ignore his comment about past boyfriends hating you - how would he know, he is just being mean out of anger.
> He very well could be frustrated trying to find work and not speaking fluent, his self esteem may be very low. That doesn't give him a right to be cold to you. He may be feeling lost leaving his home and not having the success he had hoped for.
> It seems you have tried to sit down and get him to talk, he may not know how to communicate what he feels, or he may be feeling bad about himself and instead of dealing with it and talking he is taking it out on you.
> Is there any chance of you having counselling together, as a way of getting him to open up?
> I understand you love him very much and you want it to work, just remember there is only so much you can do on your side of the relationship. Do not let him destroy your spirit. I'm hoping others may be able to offer more practical advice ...


thank you for understanding and giving me your perspective! i thought about counselling but i haven't found an english-speaking counsellor yet. since he isn't fluent in my mother language yet we could only do it if we found someone who speaks english. but i won't stop looking for someone.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

bebe said:


> he stopped talking because three weeks ago i was sitting next to him in the car when he almost crashed into another car. i got nervous and yelled "stop!", then i sighed with relieve that nothing happened. he told me that my reaction made him very nervous and i shouldn't be so emotional in the future, just say "stop" very calmly.


ok, well if that was all it was, then his reaction of sleeping on the couch & silent teatment is a bit extreme. i can understand that by you shouting he would've gotten a fright, but then again your reaction was one of panic- it would be difficult for anyone to respond in a calm tone in that situation.

he needs to understand that it is completely nomal to get aggitated with one's partner, but he seems to be over-reacting a bit. have you tried to talk to him in the last 3 weeks?


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

bebe said:


> thank you for understanding and giving me your perspective! i thought about counselling but i haven't found an english-speaking counsellor yet. since he isn't fluent in my mother language yet we could only do it if we found someone who speaks english. but i won't stop looking for someone.


Even if he won't go maybe just for you to get a chance to talk it out and heal 
You need to tell him that if he doesn't start communicating better, there's not much else you can do. He needs to snap out of these moods - it is incredibly hard to get someone to talk when they just don't want to. 
If he can find employment soon you may just see a world of difference as his self esteem will lift. Maybe focus on that and helping with his language - if he starts to get some confidence back you could see enormous improvement. If you love him, which I can tell you do, keep going and seeing if you can help him as he may be feeling homesick too. 
If you do all you can, and he finds work etc and it's still the same, you can make a decision then what you want to do. Your happiness is just as important as his


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

blissful said:


> ok, well if that was all it was, then his reaction of sleeping on the couch & silent teatment is a bit extreme. i can understand that by you shouting he would've gotten a fright, but then again your reaction was one of panic- it would be difficult for anyone to respond in a calm tone in that situation.
> 
> he needs to understand that it is completely nomal to get aggitated with one's partner, but he seems to be over-reacting a bit. have you tried to talk to him in the last 3 weeks?


yes, after two weeks i asked him to sleep in bed with me and after two nights i asked him about the reason for his behavior. then i told him that it makes me feel very sad when he gives me the silent treatment and that i am worried about our future, seeing that those periods are happening so often and we are not getting anywhere without talking to each other. the result was that he moved back to the sofa for another week of silence.
during that week he made a long list of things that are irritating him about me and yesterday he said in order to keep up the relationship i should change those things. he would tell them to me one by one, not all at once, in order to not overwhelm me. he also asked me to tell him things that he should change but other than those long periods of silence i don't see any need for a change.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

bebe said:


> yes, after two weeks i asked him to sleep in bed with me and after two nights i asked him about the reason for his behavior. then i told him that it makes me feel very sad when he gives me the silent treatment and that i am worried about our future, seeing that those periods are happening so often and we are not getting anywhere without talking to each other. the result was that he moved back to the sofa for another week of silence.
> during that week he made a long list of things that are irritating him about me and yesterday he said in order to keep up the relationship i should change those things. he would tell them to me one by one, not all at once, in order to not overwhelm me. he also asked me to tell him things that he should change but other than those long periods of silence i don't see any need for a change.



ok, well it's not a you against him situation- or at least it shouldn't be. you shouldn't have to change who you are in order to keep him happy or vice versa. instead you should be working TOGETHER to find a happy medium that you both are comfortable with. that's what the beginning stages of a marriage are about. 

how many of the "irritating things" on his list are reasonable, or are they petty & far fetched? as for the list he encouraged you to work on- think carefully about it- long periods of silent treatment is emotional disconnect & poor communication skills. so there are things that you would need to put on that list. the reason why i think that you should do the list is because then you both have something to take to the counselling session so that your counsellor can better understand your issues- and yes I think counselling is a must if you are to move forward.


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

blissful said:


> ok, well it's not a you against him situation- or at least it shouldn't be. you shouldn't have to change who you are in order to keep him happy or vice versa. instead you should be working TOGETHER to find a happy medium that you both are comfortable with. that's what the beginning stages of a marriage are about.
> 
> how many of the "irritating things" on his list are reasonable, or are they petty & far fetched? as for the list he encouraged you to work on- think carefully about it- long periods of silent treatment is emotional disconnect & poor communication skills. so there are things that you would need to put on that list. the reason why i think that you should do the list is because then you both have something to take to the counselling session so that your counsellor can better understand your issues- and yes I think counselling is a must if you are to move forward.


you gave me a lot to think about and have been very helpful. thanks so much for your effort!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

bebe said:


> you gave me a lot to think about and have been very helpful. thanks so much for your effort!


Wow! I think I'd just walk from the marriage. You don't deserve that. I think as he becomes more secure that you'll stay for more crap, he'll get meaner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

I like many of the statements made above from others, there is some great comments there. As someone who is married to someone of a different nationality I wanted to weigh in my 2 cents though.

The example you gave appears to me to have nothing to do with cultural differences or language barriers. Not to say they do not count in other arguments. They seem to be used as a crutch here instead of finding out the real issues.

If any in the list are of cultural differences, I would really consider if you are willing to live with such variances in your lifestyle. My MIL wanted my husband to marry someone from his cultural/nationality. She doesn't like me, she tolerates me on a good day. This disdain isn't something I could live with from my partner directly.


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

expatforlife said:


> I like many of the statements made above from others, there is some great comments there. As someone who is married to someone of a different nationality I wanted to weigh in my 2 cents though.
> 
> The example you gave appears to me to have nothing to do with cultural differences or language barriers. Not to say they do not count in other arguments. They seem to be used as a crutch here instead of finding out the real issues.
> 
> If any in the list are of cultural differences, I would really consider if you are willing to live with such variances in your lifestyle. My MIL wanted my husband to marry someone from his cultural/nationality. She doesn't like me, she tolerates me on a good day. This disdain isn't something I could live with from my partner directly.


you are right, our issue at hand doesn't have to do with cultural differences or language problems. but sometimes it's difficult for me to distinguish whether he is acting in a certain way because of his upbringing, his cultural background or his personality. did you experience the same with your husband?
i'm european and he is asian. he is not used to independent women and rather conservative. especially in the beginning of our relationship this has been an issue and a double standard i didn't really understand: on the one hand he seemed to like me being the working girl and fixing stuff by myself, on the other hand he blamed me for it. i tried to hand over more control and i think it worked. but to this day he doesn't really cope with my past, which has seen a number of men, while he only had one gf before me. he makes it a cultural matter by saying western women are more lose and he is pretty judgemental about that.


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

I'mtired said:


> Honey, you do everything as a wife. don't treat him the way he treats you. still speak, kill him with kindness and most of all pray for him. ask God to search you and find out if there's something in you that reminds him of someone he was with in his past, or maybe you have traits that his mom or sister had that he didn't like. could be a number of things. But in the meantime, ask God to reveal these things to you . Trust me, I'm going through a similar situation.


thank you for your thoughts, saying, that i might remind him of someone in his past really made me think. i will treat him well, hoping that he is reflecting his own behavior as much as i do mine. i wish you good luck for your situation!


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Wow! I think I'd just walk from the marriage. You don't deserve that. I think as he becomes more secure that you'll stay for more crap, he'll get meaner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


maybe you are right, even though i certainly don't hope so. to be honest i've thought about ending it and we've discussed that openly but we both want this to work and i don't feel like we have tried all we can yet...and i love him. but i think he knows that he can't get away with everything, as he could two years ago...at least he told me so.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

bebe said:


> maybe you are right, even though i certainly don't hope so. to be honest i've thought about ending it and we've discussed that openly but we both want this to work and i don't feel like we have tried all we can yet...and i love him. but i think he knows that he can't get away with everything, as he could two years ago...at least he told me so.


And that makes sense. Glad to know you aren't opposed to telling him to hit the trail but it good to explore all options. It's easy to judge based on the one problem being posted not knowing the whole story the good and bad parts. Wishing you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

OP, I have to wonder... how was he before you married? Is this behavior the usual? When you had disagreements in the past or when he had an attitude with you, what would he do?

I think it's odd he started behaving this way after moving in and marriage.


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## bebe (Nov 16, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> OP, I have to wonder... how was he before you married? Is this behavior the usual? When you had disagreements in the past or when he had an attitude with you, what would he do?
> 
> I think it's odd he started behaving this way after moving in and marriage.


those are good questions. as i said we met on the internet and after only three months we met in person. back then he behaved totally different. i remember we had a fight about something and right afterwards he came to me saying we should discuss things and try to solve them instead of holding a grudge for too long. looking back i have to say he mis-presented himself doing that. he stayed for only 4 weeks and was probably on his best behavior to make things work between us. afterwards we usually chatted on the internet and i already experienced another side of him: it could happen, that he got totally mad with me in the middle of the conversation and just leaving the chat. an equivalent to what he does these days by just ignoring me. even though i saw that this might be a problem back then i thought we could handle it and the next time we met we got married and a few months later he got his visa and moved in with me. i don't regret marrying him, because he is a great guy, but i've spend so much time on trying to make him talk to me and being desperate about his silent treatment that it's getting exhausting. if he could just be in my shoes for once and experience what it feels like to be treated that way he might change. but all i can do is try to make him understand with words and hope he'll think about it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bebe said:


> those are good questions. as i said we met on the internet and after only three months we met in person. back then he behaved totally different. i remember we had a fight about something and right afterwards he came to me saying we should discuss things and try to solve them instead of holding a grudge for too long. looking back i have to say he mis-presented himself doing that. he stayed for only 4 weeks and was probably on his best behavior to make things work between us. afterwards we usually chatted on the internet and i already experienced another side of him: it could happen, that he got totally mad with me in the middle of the conversation and just leaving the chat. an equivalent to what he does these days by just ignoring me. even though i saw that this might be a problem back then i thought we could handle it and the next time we met we got married and a few months later he got his visa and moved in with me. i don't regret marrying him, because he is a great guy, but i've spend so much time on trying to make him talk to me and being desperate about his silent treatment that it's getting exhausting. if he could just be in my shoes for once and experience what it feels like to be treated that way he might change. but all i can do is try to make him understand with words and hope he'll think about it.


I can't see what's great about being ignored 3 weeks out of the month. For any reason. I think maybe the two of you aren't as compatible as you think.


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## I'mtired (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you dear heart. I will pray for you and your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bebe said:


> ever since we are together it happens again and again that - to me totally out of the blue - *he gets upset with me and stops speaking to me for weeks*. during those periods he sleeps on the sofa in the living room and totally ignores me while i can't wrap my head around what i have done wrong. *when i ask him he usually gets mad and tells me to not talk to him.* after some time i can talk to him again and when i ask for the reason he tells me that something in my behavior irritated him. looking back on two years of marriage i have to say that he is annoyed with me and not talking about 50% of the time which makes me very depressed. yesterday we've had one of those talks after *he has been ignoring me for 3 weeks* and he said that during these periods he actually hates me and he would have to find out why he hates me so much sometimes. that came as a shock to me, especially because he said, that my former boyfriends probably hated me just the same and i wouldn't find any man who didn't! that made me really sad.
> 
> he will probably get annoyed be my behavior again and again in the future, no matter how hard i try.


Bebe, my heart goes out to you.
You are married to an emotional abuser. The silent treatment, when used habitually and as a pattern is abuse. It is used to ostracize person on the receiving end, making them feel as they don't matter. It will break you down. 

I was married to someone who did the SAME thing. He could suck for weeks at a time and there was nothing that hurt me more than that. Even when I asked what was wrong, he'd get a disgusted look on his face and continue ignoring me. Listen up: he won't change or stop doing this unless he wants to.

I truly empathize with you. Let him know how you find his behavior disrespectful and not conducive to marriage. Communication is a must in a marriage and if he isn't willing to give you the basic human decency of speaking to you, you may want to figure out whether you want to stay married to someone like that for the rest of your life. 

I have been there, done that and sadly, nothing ever changed. the day I left, he hadn't spoken a word to me in a month and a half. I couldn't do it anymore.

Stonewalling makes for a very unhealthy marriage.


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## ALeonard (Nov 18, 2011)

I also married a man I met on the internet from another country. He was wonderful until he hit the ground in the US after marriage. Then he completely changed. He acted similarly while he was unemployed and when he became employed it did not change as I thought it would. 

We've been married over 10 years, I do everything for him I can and I get nothing in return. Yet I am told often for hours on end, how horrible I am, how worthless I am, how selfish I am and how I am responsible for his misery. 

He does not buy me birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, anniversary gifts, not even a card. In fact recently I was told I wasn't worth gifts and that's why he doesn't even buy me a card. He has broken my heart so often I think it is unrepairable now.

I say get out now. It won't improve. The longer you stay in, the harder it is to get out. Everyone deserves respect and love.


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