# Question re: cake eating



## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

It's now been almost 3 weeks since husband left. We did talk when he came by to pick something up and it went really well. He even decided not to take what he had come to pick up, which I thought was a little strange but I tried not to read anything into that at the same time. Then no contact at all the next day. Today he emails and texts me again and he is wanting to know about kids' day and what they are doing. I gave him a couple short answers and then said I was making dinner and he could text me later if he wanted. That was REALLY hard for me to do because what I really wanted to do was keep talking with him because I miss him! But I feel like if I do that and he can get daily updates, he might feel more like he's not really missing out on anything. 

Is this what I've seen referred to as cake eating? Because I feel like that's what he's doing, having his cake and eating it too! He's out living the single life and shirking his responsibilities yet wants to know what we're doing. It's hurtful to me because I don't have the luxury of running away from my responsibilities! I'm here keeping the household going and caring for our kids. My oldest had another breakdown last night and said it feels like dad died in a way only worse because at least when someone dies, they don't choose to leave you. I think if only he could see what he's doing to his kids, but then deep down, I know that won't matter because the only person he cares about right now is himself. He still swears there is no one else but I am finding it so hard to believe anything else could pull him away from his kids like this! 

Did I do the right thing to say that? I feel like we did make progress with our talk so part of me feels bad for brushing him off because what if he was pulling in and I pushed him further away. But then part of me feels like he is never coming back anyway and it's best for me to detach as much as possible. OMG, I hate this so much!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> It's now been almost 3 weeks since husband left. We did talk when he came by to pick something up and it went really well. He even decided not to take what he had come to pick up, which I thought was a little strange but I tried not to read anything into that at the same time. Then no contact at all the next day. Today he emails and texts me again and he is wanting to know about kids' day and what they are doing. I gave him a couple short answers and then said I was making dinner and he could text me later if he wanted. That was REALLY hard for me to do because what I really wanted to do was keep talking with him because I miss him! But I feel like if I do that and he can get daily updates, he might feel more like he's not really missing out on anything.
> 
> Is this what I've seen referred to as cake eating? Because I feel like that's what he's doing, having his cake and eating it too! He's out living the single life and shirking his responsibilities yet wants to know what we're doing. It's hurtful to me because I don't have the luxury of running away from my responsibilities! I'm here keeping the household going and caring for our kids. My oldest had another breakdown last night and said it feels like dad died in a way only worse because at least when someone dies, they don't choose to leave you. I think if only he could see what he's doing to his kids, but then deep down, I know that won't matter because the only person he cares about right now is himself. He still swears there is no one else but I am finding it so hard to believe anything else could pull him away from his kids like this!
> 
> Did I do the right thing to say that? I feel like we did make progress with our talk so part of me feels bad for brushing him off because what if he was pulling in and I pushed him further away. But then part of me feels like he is never coming back anyway and it's best for me to detach as much as possible. OMG, I hate this so much!!


Does he have any contact with the kids?

On what you have said here, he certainly could be cake-eating. Or perhaps he is having second thoughts and doesn't know how to go about approaching you. Now, don't let that get your hopes up, because in all probability he is cake-eating. Either way, I think you did fine, given how you are feeling. But if it happens again, try not giving him the answers. When my H did a similar thing, asking about our daughter, it was suggested that I tell him to ask her.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I see a cake-lover here.
When my STBXH first left and he wanted to know what was going on, I directed him to his children. If he wants to know about their day talk to them. I let him know if something happened, but if he wanted day-to-day run downs of activities he needed to talk t his own kids. Well that lasted about two weeks, now he doesn't talk to them either. He's in another state and is a worthless father. He hasn't communicated with his oldest child in more than a month, no text,email or phone calls. Oh, but to hear him say it "my children are my life" Sorry, this just hit a nerve.


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