# The monster inside.



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

My wife went to her counseling session today and it went well. She has to go back some more to sort things out but while there they apparently got into analyzing me and what makes me tick that rubs her the wrong way. 

Fair enough I don't hide that I had a traumatic childhood and pretty much hated my pre adult life. Now the problem is my wife wants me to open up about a large part of my past that I really really put a lot of effort into putting behind me over the years to become a good person and would prefer to leave it all back there for dead. 

I'm a pretty well adjusted guy for the most part and wouldn't harm a fly out of malice but I know I have a monster in my dungeon that will and would fully enjoy it and I would really prefer to leave it there.
She wants me to let it out 'so we can deal with it' thinking she can handle it but I have my doubts. I can barely handle it and I told her that. 
In fact if she really wants to go there I do not want my daughter or my wifes dad anywhere near if I do. 

She says it will help her understand what makes me tick and drives me the way it does. Personally I don't want to go anywhere near it or let her see that part of me and I have serious doubts that any of this would help either one of us because for me once it's out it doesn't go back. 

For me letting it out would be like taking a recovered meth head/heroin addict/stinking blind drunk alcoholic to a all you can eat and drink meth and heroin bar and expecting them to keep it together. 

I have very few things in my life I deliberately avoid but this is the #1 thing I don't want brought into our marriage. 

I am pretty sure many other here have been through this so is this a reasonable request?


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

- You doubt that by letting the "monster" out, your relationships will be better. . 
.
- You worried that by opening the "cage", things will be worse. 
.
- You afraid you will lose control and be vulnerable of this "monster". 
.
.
What the worse can happen if you expose "the monster inside"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't bring it back to life. Some therapist work on the premiss that changing your belief system and subsequent behavior without reliving past trauma is most effective. Going over a painful past is like living it all over again and being re-injured.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Yeah, letting it out will probably just strengthen it--whatever it is. And actively resisting it will also strengthen it, too. The best tactic against negativity is to replace it with something positive. 

It's like, say you go to a restaurant and have bad service that leaves you with a bad feeling about the restaurant. But say you actually go back and have great service. How many times do you need to get great service for your feelings to change about the restaurant? Usually quite a few. One bad experience takes a lot of good experiences to balance out. But if you never go out again, you only have that one bad experience that keeps popping up every time you think about it. You can't erase that experience--it happened, after all--but with enough good you can overtake the bad. 

Stick with positive stuff.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

As long as you have come to terms with your past I can see no point in dragging it up.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Do you think that your past still influences your behaviour today / your relationship with your wife?


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

I'm going to have to disagree with the other fellows here. To me, the fact that 'the monster' is so big and scary to you suggests that although you may be beyond it, you're not over it. I don't know if your wife is best suited for standing beside you when you first crack that cage - an IC would be far safer. But i know from my own experience - if that monster's in cage, he isn't under your control. Far better to have a tamed beast at your side than one working at odds with you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As long as the monster is contained and locked in the dungeon and the triggers for getting the monster to stir are safely in the off position I don't see why it's an issue to bring it up.

If you have successfully dealt with it - say substance abuse - then I would not bring it up any more than I round bring up chicken pox but if it influences life today it's fair game.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Just let it all out...its the past obviously you are hiding something and your wife senses it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If whatever's in your past is making you an emotionally unavailable partner for your wife, then yes, you need to deal with it. Or at least be honest with your wife that this is all she's going to get from you so that she can make informed choices for herself.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Perfect business case for therapist IMO.

OP, if you feel that you got over your childhood and it doesn't effect your life currently......you don't need help.

This can simply be the case of "if I do, you do" sort of thing from your wife.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DoF said:


> ...if you feel that you got over your childhood and it doesn't effect your life currently......you don't need help.


I think sometimes that's not true at all. There are plenty of people who think they're just fine who really need all kinds of help. Some folks think everyone else is the problem, when it may actually be them. Many people engage in behaviors and thought patterns that are damaging to various aspects of their lives, driven by past experiences and the coping mechanisms they've developed to deal with them, without even realizing it.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Yeah, letting it out will probably just strengthen it--whatever it is. And actively resisting it will also strengthen it, too. The best tactic against negativity is to replace it with something positive.


Yea that's my concern and has been my approach to use it to continually motivate me do something positive with my life. 



> As long as you have come to terms with your past I can see no point in dragging it up.


I have came to terms with it but its very much like a bad scar that constantly itches. I know picking at it will make it worse and that's what I have to avoid which is what I am trying to get her to understand. 



> Just let it all out...its the past obviously you are hiding something and your wife senses it.


Not hiding anything. I told her what it is, where it comes from, how I have dealt with it and how I am aware of its influence in my life today. I just dont want to pick at old memories that serve no positive purpose for me now and trigger something that I know needs to be left alone. 



> If whatever's in your past is making you an emotionally unavailable partner for your wife, then yes, you need to deal with it. Or at least be honest with your wife that this is all she's going to get from you so that she can make informed choices for herself.


I don't feel it makes me emotionally unavailable by any means. The problem is she wants me to react with an emotional range that is simply beyond my character and capacity. 
I can't act with an emotional I never had or understood to begin with. For me it's like asking a simple minded person to do complex cognitive functions. I don't have the gear to do the work.



> OP, if you feel that you got over your childhood and it doesn't effect your life currently......you don't need help.
> 
> This can simply be the case of "if I do, you do" sort of thing from your wife.


I fell I have dealt with it being I use the past negative experiences to keep me focused on being a better person plus to have compassion and sympathy for others who are in or have experienced similar events in their lives. I never forgot it and never will. I just don't see how dragging the worst stuff up to trigger a extreme emotional reaction from me is going to do anything positive for either of us.



> I think sometimes that's not true at all. There are plenty of people who think they're just fine who really need all kinds of help. Some folks think everyone else is the problem, when it may actually be them. Many people engage in behaviors and thought patterns that are damaging to various aspects of their lives, driven by past experiences and the coping mechanisms they've developed to deal with them, without even realizing it.


Very valid point. Thanks. Because of my past I have learned that I have to put an above and beyond effort into keeping track of myself and how my past and the emotions related to it affect me in every way. 
I may not realize where and what it affects in me to every tiny detail but I most certainly know what places and points in me you do not poke at ever and why. 

My concern is that she now knows there is something beneath who I am and she is going to keep poking and pecking at me until she hits a spot that I can't keep under control. 
What bothers me is she thinks she knows what will happen and can deal with it. I know full well she cant. I have even went so far as to make it clear that if she keeps it up I do not want her dad or my daughter around the house when she does eventually make me go off.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> Do you think that your past still influences your behaviour today / your relationship with your wife?


This.

My wife refuses to deal at all with her child sex abuse. She has no idea how much it has affected every aspect of her life, including our marriage. She is not qualified to make an objective observation or analysis of how it has affected her!

There is no requirement for you to work on your childhood issues, but there is absolutely a requirement for you to bring a healthy whole person to your marriage. Your wife is the one best able to tell you if her needs are being met and if she is finding happiness and fulfillment in the marriage. A therapist is qualified to tell you if you need to work on your childhood issues or if regular MC is needed.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> There is no requirement for you to work on your childhood issues, but there is absolutely a requirement for you to bring a healthy whole person to your marriage. Your wife is the one best able to tell you if her needs are being met and if she is finding happiness and fulfillment in the marriage. A therapist is qualified to tell you if you need to work on your childhood issues or if regular MC is needed.


That's just it. I have been through all of that years ago to get myself help with this and why I am so concerned about leaving it alone. 

I am one of those people who is both blessed and cursed with having a very good memory. In fact I can remember things back to when I was about 2 years old. The problem this creates for me is every single event in my life that was wrong where I was unreasonably disciplined, lied to, cheated, bullied, belittled, abused, neglected, treated unfairly on purpose,ignored, made fun of, picked on, acted on inappropriately, disbelieved and ignored burns in me to this day. 

I learned how to deal with those memories and keep them under control as an adult and even use it to my advantage by keeping every single good event alive in my memory as well. 
Simply put I do not want someone tearing those good memories open letting the bad ones take control in a way I can not handle. From a few past experiences I know that what comes out is pure uncontrollable unremorseful unforgiving physical rage of which I again am and will be cursed to remember every second and action of it. That's a level of guilt I really can't take. 

The problem for me starts when I warn someone about it but they keep picking and poking until the monster comes out beats them until it feels satisfied and never ever once sheds a tear for doing it.

That's what I am trying to get my wife to understand. 
She is not capable of controlling what comes out and I really want her to leave it alone for both of our sakes. 
I am not a violent person but the potential for it in me is seriously strong and needs to be kept under control my way because it literally has a lifetime of negativity that feeds it once it gets started and the only way to deal with that is to never let it get started to begin with. 

Does that make sense? :scratchhead:

I know I am probably still seriously messed up but to my credit it's been over 20 years since I learned how to control it and have never had a relapse since. 

I know what triggers it and what type of peoples personalities drive that part of me nuts so I make a conscious effort to avoid them and any situation that can put me in a prolonged exposure to actions that will aggravate me. 

The problem is right now my wife's need to poke and pry to distract herself from her own problems is pushing my limits. I never thought I would get married let alone to a person who would rattle my cage just to see what happens. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msRaooooyds

I can relate!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

married tech said:


> Does that make sense? :scratchhead:


No, but I'm not a shrink. I am also not very objective on this particular issue, given my wife's actions.




married tech said:


> The problem is right now my wife's need to poke and pry to distract herself from her own problems is pushing my limits. I never thought I would get married let alone to a person who would rattle my cage just to see what happens.


The best way I can comment is to turn this on my situation. I am not my wife's therapist. I am not academically qualified, and due to the circumstances of being married to her it would not be possible. All she owes me is to be healthy and whole. All I owe her is a fair chance at striving for it herself, plus doing whatever I can to bring myself healthy and whole into the marriage. That's it. I don't owe her my lifetime of suffering if she is unable or unwilling to overcome her demons.

It is up to her to seek out an effective method of overcoming the demons. And I have the right (and obligation to myself) to judge whether she is doing enough for me to stay.

What I do not have is the right to tell her what kind of therapy she *must* get, or what topics she *must* address in therapy. All I can do is require my spouse to meet my needs, expectations, and boundaries. It is up to her to find a way to do it.

So on that foundation I would say your wife is well intentioned but a bit off course. She should be clearly communicating to you what it is she needs from you, and what her boundaries are. She is entitled to an opinion on whether you need therapy for various issues, but she doesn't have the right to require you to attend therapy. 

I really believe good MC is the right place for you two to start. Get a qualified professional opinion on what your marriage needs.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Thats exactly how I am seeing it. 

I have no issues or problems with going to any form of counseling or psychologists for that matter as separate or as a pair. If anything I have been pushing for it for a while now.

I have made it very clear countless times that I love her and will respect her wishes if she ever decided to leave. 
I have also made it clear that I have no intention of trying to control her either. 
If she wants me to lead in the relationship I will but it will be done at my discretion. If she does not like that either she can lead or shut up. 

I do however continually feel she is trying to get me to push her out but I am not falling for it. If she wants out she goes on her own. 
I know she is a good person who can be happy and live a normal low stress life if she wants too. I just have not yet figured out how to get her to put forth the effort to do it for herself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants an excuse to blame you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Openminded said:


> She wants an excuse to blame you.


She needs to put her eyes on her own paper

Decide for herself what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and let you know what that is.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> She wants an excuse to blame you.


Doesn't every woman? :scratchhead:



> She needs to put her eyes on her own paper
> 
> Decide for herself what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and let you know what that is.


Some days that's like asking which way the wind is blowing in a tornado.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Openminded said:


> She wants an excuse to blame you.


Yup. She wants you to be the broken/wrong one so she can say told ya and continue doing whatever she wants.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like a serious monster. I can relate to you MT about the early childhood memories, I remember the confusion, anticipation, and even details such as the brown corduroy pants and red velvety polyester shirt I was wearing the day my brother, 2 years younger than I, was born. I remember vividly the faces of the kids in my elementary class who enjoyed tormenting me and the fear and frustration I felt for not being able to figure out a different way to react to them that wouldn't make me the target.

So are you talking about things that were done to you, or are you talking about actions you did that you don't want to be accountable for?

I do agree with the last couple points that your W may be looking for a way to have higher ground, so you definitely need to proceed with caution before opening pandoras box. You are absolutely correct that your own therapeutic history is personal and need not be shared, but the bigger question to me is why wouldn't you want to? Obviously there is a big trust issue here - either you don't trust yourself, or you don't trust her so there is definitely more work for you to grow.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

married tech said:


> Doesn't every woman? :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> 
> Some days that's like asking which way the wind is blowing in a tornado.


No, every woman does not behave the way your wife does.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To a certain degree, I agree with the eyes on your own paper thing... But there's been numerous threads in here by men suffering from sexually repressed wives, and it turns out that the wife seems to have issues due to CSA. She thinks she's successfully repressed the issues and is handling things fine. He, on the other hand, is dealing with a frigid wife and her dead fish impersonation. So things are not fine to him. The advice is often for him to "force her" as an ultimatum to go to counseling and make a serious effort to resolve her issues, as the repression has left her unable to be a healthy marriage partner. 

To me, the OP's admission of being "emotionally repressed" (my words, not his) is very similar. He thinks that he's handled it. It's stuffed back in the closet, never to be seen again. Yet he's not able to respond to his wife in an emotionally healthy way. 

It's a tough situation for both of them, for sure. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

married tech said:


> Doesn't every woman? :scratchhead:


Is that intended to be a back hand slap to the head to the females helping you on this board, or do you really think this?

The truth is, no. Some of us are mature adults who love our spouses. And in the event you married a beotch, the best plan is to get rid of her .

You have 2 posts that indicate you don't have a very mature view of marriage. So counseling for you on that topic would not hurt.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

married tech said:


> Doesn't every woman? :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> 
> Some days that's like asking which way the wind is blowing in a tornado.


This tells me you need to quit asking and put your eyes on your own paper...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> So are you talking about things that were done to you, or are you talking about actions you did that you don't want to be accountable for?


No. I don't hide what happened, how I felt or what I did because of it. Everything that was done to me I did in turn my self and to my fullest abilities with zero remorse or concern. I thought that was how people lived and were supposed to act. 

I owned up to my past actions to those I hurt but I really don't want my face rubbed in it at some future point by someone who was not there. I love my wife but I know full well she can turn most anything I do into a negative just to justify a reaction on her part. It's what I used to do.  



> Is that intended to be a back hand slap to the head to the females helping you on this board, or do you really think this?
> 
> The truth is, no. Some of us are mature adults who love our spouses. And in the event you married a beotch, the best plan is to get rid of her .
> 
> You have 2 posts that indicate you don't have a very mature view of marriage. So counseling for you on that topic would not hurt.


Fair enough but I have never once claimed to have much going for maturity communications skills or ability to relate to others in relationships. This being married is a very new and far different life than I ever lived before. 
I am stepping up where I can but I have to admit that some things are apparently as far beyond my ability to grasp as most of everyone else heres ability is to understand and do what I do for a living. 



> This tells me you need to quit asking and put your eyes on your own paper...


But I went to public school. I can't read much past what I can get out of the pictures


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I can relate to both sides of the coin. 

I have a lot of personal baggage and depression/anxiety to boot (which is being treated). I have put a lot of my baggage out of my mind and do not wish to speak about it. My husband doesn't know 75% of what my life was about before he was in the picture. To be fair...he also never asked. 

My husband has a lot of baggage. It took me a long time before I realized it, because he has never openly shared anything less than happy about his life before he met me. I actually know very little about his childhood or young adulthood. 

I remember when we first started dating...I actually thought his attitude was refreshing and I liked how he made me feel like the past didn't matter and we were living for the "now"! I was just hitting that turning point in my life where I decided I would bury my own demons once and for all and stop letting them dictate my life...so it was perfect timing and fit well into my new mantra. He didn't probe me for details on my prior life and so I followed suit and didn't probe him either. It was exactly the opposite of how I began every other relationship I'd ever had and I was so happy to try out this new way of thinking. 

Here's the thing. We've now been together for about 10 years. In the last two years or so...something has been nagging at me in the back of my head. I feel like we are distant. It's about vulnerability. We've never been 100% vulnerable in front of each other, ever. He has his walls that I don't push, and I have mine that he also doesn't push. 

But I am starting to feel like those walls aren't a good thing for our marraige anymore. I want to close the gap between us and I don't know how, because we are both wound so tightly behind those walls we put up. So I question...is this how I want the rest of my marraige to be? It's palpable that there's something in him that he keeps guarded and I know his nuances well enough to know when he's with me but not really mentally WITH me, checked out, if you know what I mean. 

I don't know your wife to know whether she's got similar thinking to me or whether she's really just pushing you because she has some hidden agenda as some other ppl mentioned. 

I struggle myself in navigating the line between wanting the walls to come down between us, and knowing how painful it would be for both of us at the same time and not wanting to live through that pain again. I want to respect his boundaries but I also want him to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with me. 

If I were in your shoes, I would visit her counselor alone and explain what you've said here and all of your hesitations about opening up. Let the counselor hear you first hand. If he/she tries to push you, it doesn't mean you have to spill your guts. You can respectfully tell your wife that you don't agree with her counselors methods and would like to consider one that is more in line with staying in your comfort zone.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Thanks. You sum it up superbly. 

I do not have any major areas of my life that are off limits to anyone. I simply have one small door in my garden paradise that I keep hidden and those who do find it are asked politely to leave it alone for good reason. It's no less of respect that I will give to them. 

I know my wife has past life issues but I do not poke and pry to find out what they are. 
If she doesn't want to share I respect it and leave it be. I know what's behind my door and just leave it that others have the same.


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