# Husband has changed since getting married and having baby. Need guidance.



## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job. 

The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.

The plan was always I would go to school and stay home with our daughter but go back to work eventually maybe when she started school. He is against the idea now and wants to have more kids right away. He wants to have 4-5 kids now. I don’t hate the idea of getting pregnant in the next 6 months but I’m not sure about the rest of it and it’s causing problems. I don’t know if I can just stay home for the next however many years.

I have made a few friends since moving, mostly other mothers with babies. He doesn’t like when I hang out with them because “he doesn’t know what they are about.” He prefers when I hang out with his friends wives/girlfriends or people from church. I do sometimes. They are mostly very traditional. I have heard some of them talk about women/ make jokes and it rubs me the wrong way. He has never been like this but this has been a huge adjustment for us both so I try not to make things a big deal. I know for a fact he does pills sometimes but won’t admit it to me.

He wanted me to delete all social media. He was concerned it wasn’t good for me and would make me depressed while I am staying home.
I deleted everything but Facebook because it’s mainly how I stay in touch with family and friends back home. He is being more dominant if that is the right word I’m not sure. He has been getting more frustrated with the baby and me. His father is like this idk if because he has a wife and kid now that it is how he should be too. We have been arguing more and I’ve been thinking about marriage counseling. His church has it so maybe he would be open to that. We have gotten into some hurtful fights and he doesn’t seem interested when I bring up my point of view. Please give me some guidance here


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

What is your point of view? You’ve noted a lot of his perspectives and opinions, and to what extent do you differ?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Bait and switch. I would run, protect your child. Would you want your daughter to grow up in this environment?


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

I don’t necessarily disagree with everything. I consider myself lucky I can stay home with our daughter. It just seems like all of these things have been sprung on me. I want more kids one day for sure. Don’t know about 4-5. Always thought I would go back to work eventually and it’s something he really doesn’t want me to do. It’s the controllingness that bothers me


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Bait and switch. I would run, protect your child. Would you want your daughter to grow up in this environment?


You think it’s that bad?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ken8365 said:


> You think it’s that bad?


When your opinion and needs no longer count and he’s making your decisions for you and saying things like “get rid of social media because I think it’s bad for you,” as though he were your parent, and forbidding you to earn your own money or have any independence, I don’t see a good ending. But remember I’m a stranger on the internet basing my post on a couple of paragraphs on a forum. Only you know truly how bad this is. I certainly wouldn’t stick around, I was in your position but he showed his colors before we married or had a baby so I was able to escape. It’s bad enough you came here to post about it, after all.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job.
> 
> The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.
> 
> ...


You have unfortunately married a very controlling man. If your vision for the future as far as having kids and being isolated isn't your idea of a good future, don't do it. He can't tell you what friends to have and if you look anywhere on the internet under abuse, you will see isolating you from friends is one of the primary signs of early abuse. He's not being dominant. He's being controlling. His church may even be guiding him this direction, so if I were you, any counseling I'd agree to would be psychologist who was a marriage counselor, but people don't change that much, really. Meanwhile, get on birth control until you sort this out. He sounds like he thinks he owns you and has to think for you now. That's abusive. Sorry to say it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ken8365 said:


> Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job.
> 
> The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.
> 
> ...


Most of this doesn't sound too bad. But it also sounds like the start of bad. Sometimes these things slowly boil.
You've moved so you aren't close to your family. He's working on isolating you or having you only around people he's approved of.... Having babies and staying home can be great but it can also be more isolating. Controlling people work to isolate you. Cut you off from true friends and family and slowly turn you into whatever they imagine or they then punish you.

So I believe in god and have attended church. Some churches are great others are very old fashioned in that they don't believe women should have any real say in making decisions. They have them be stay at home moms and totally dependent and subservient to their husbands. If this floats your boat great. If not beware. Watch. A good church values all it's members. 

Don't allow yourself to be isolated. Don't have more babies if you aren't sure. Each child while precious is a trap for a woman. It will make you more and more linked and dependent on your husband.

If he isn't listening to you and he's changed a bunch since you married, moved and had a child, chances are this is kind of who he was to begin with but didn't let the cat out of the bag so to speak. It may have gotten worse since your child, that's kind of typical.

So... What do you fight about? Have you discussed you going back to school. Bet you'll find there isn't the money, or time of you don't need to cause he plans on you staying home.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You have unfortunately married a very controlling man. If your vision for the future as far as having kids and being isolated isn't your idea of a good future, don't do it. He can't tell you what friends to have and if you look anywhere on the internet under abuse, you will see isolating you from friends is one of the primary signs of early abuse. He's not being dominant. He's being controlling. * His church may even be guiding him this direction, so if I were you, any counseling I'd agree to would be psychologist who was a marriage counselor,* but people don't change that much, really. Meanwhile, get on birth control until you sort this out. He sounds like he thinks he owns you and has to think for you now. That's abusive. Sorry to say it.


Yes I was posting at the same time. This is very good advice. If his church is one that views the woman to be an extension / submissive to the husband then chances are they'll just advise you to be a good mother and wife.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Ken8365, Welcome to TAM.
I don't know what denomination your husband is involved in, but it sounds like he is being heavily influenced by a male dominated/patriarical environment and doctrine. I'm sorry that your introduction to Christianity has been in a group that has twisted the Bible to oppress women. Rest assured, Jesus came to set us free and does not advocate for the oppression of women.
Biblically speaking, marriage is about unity. You and your husband are equals and should be making decisions together.
Based on how things are going, your husband sounds like he is expecting you to obey him, which is not really what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches submission, but that doesn't equate with obey. It is about not putting yourself above each other, but seeking what is best for each other and for the marriage.
Many people, Christians and non-Christians, believe that the husband is the leader and the wife should align herself with him. There are a lot of men on this site that believe that.
I wouldn't advocate for you to leave your husband. He needs to understand that #1, you do not share his beliefs. #2, you are not going to be dominate or managed by him. #3 you will not be isolated.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It is pretty common for men to think that they best way for them to have all the power in a marriage is to isolate their wives at home with housework and children. My friend went through it. He didn't want her to work. Why? Because he wasn't agreeing to do any of the kid work and errands and housework. He felt he was the boss as long as she wasn't working. She let that ride a while and then went to work against his wishes, and the power dynamic got a lot better, but he had to start doing a few things, though he drug his feet at it. But most importantly for that couple is he knew if she wanted to, she could leave. So he acted an iota nicer to her.

She eventually had to leave. And when she did, he abandoned his teen daughter entirely. Weak men feel it necessary to control that situation so they have fewer challenges, I think. A good couple works together like a team instead of a parent/child relationship. 

Mainly, you need to get on birth control asap or you will have no control over your life going forward.

I agree with Anastasia that you are just now seeing the real man. Remember that people are on their best behavior when trying to impress while dating and not sharing responsibilities and money with them. But the longer you know him, the more authentic a version of him you will know. That early version was very selective what you got to see. He's getting worse. That's bad.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

Yeah we fight about going back to school, me going places. Other times he is just in a bad mood and gets frustrated with us. I am on birth control.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> Yeah we fight about going back to school, me going places. Other times he is just in a bad mood and gets frustrated with us. I am on birth control.


Glad to hear that. I think you have some decisions to make going forward. If you don't stand up for yourself now, you never will. Don't be tempted to give in temporarily just to calm him down. Stand up for your wants and needs and put your actions in play, stay on social media, see friends if you want to, go do what you want to. If not, you are just trapped and it will only get harder and harder to get out. 

If you are in the US, mostly these days they are going for 50/50 custody, so once that's possible (assuming child is infant) you will have some free time to work and all and in fact you'll both have the same chance to pursue career under 50/50 custody and he'll have to do his part. And you need to let him because children do need both parents, even if separately, and he could use to grow up and learn to be a real dad, not just a funtime dad.

I will tell you that now that you have moved away to where you are, since you have a child and will likely share custody, you will never be able to move home, so he's already cut you off from your old life effectively. It's a sorry way to start out.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tell us more about your husband's drug use.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ken8365 said:


> Yeah we fight about going back to school, me going places. Other times he is just in a bad mood and gets frustrated with us. I am on birth control.


So why do you fight about school?
Wasn't the plan for you to go back. So what's his argument.

Also if I were you. I'd say I wasn't having any more kids until you finished your school.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'd say I wasn't having any more kids with him unless he stopped bossing me around like a child.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

He does painkillers sometimes. He used to do them more. He won’t admit it but it’s obvious and I have seen texts before. We have argued about that. The school thing he just says he wants a big family and the kid/kids need their mother. You don’t think I would be able to move home if I did end up leaving?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I hear big warning bells.


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## BelsBeast66 (3 mo ago)

Ken8365 said:


> Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job.
> 
> The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you didn’t really know him in the first place and maybe not even yourself, bait and switch sounds more like just didn’t have all the facts. How long were you together before getting married?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> He does painkillers sometimes. He used to do them more. He won’t admit it but it’s obvious and I have seen texts before. We have argued about that. The school thing he just says he wants a big family and the kid/kids need their mother. You don’t think I would be able to move home if I did end up leaving?


No. Not unless he signed off on it and didn't care if he saw his kid. 

So he sounds like a drug addict. Now that might get you custody, but again, a child needs both parents and to feel wanted by both. Your husband is off base trying to make it seem like they mostly need you! False. Even if you brought up his drug dependence, they will offer him a path back into the child's life. I wouldn't think any father would want to just leave, but I have a friend whose father did that to her and then whose husband abandoned their daughter, so apparently I'm living in a nicer world in my head that is actually out there. You never know, if you said you were divorcing and getting on with YOUR life plan instead of his, he might be willing to sign off on you taking the child, but given that he wants a lot of them, I don't think so. But just because you can't leave the area and go home is no reason to stay married in and of itself. You can make a life there. You already have friends he's trying to run off, it sounds like. Your family and friends can visit if you end up on your own and you can visit them with or without the child when he has the child on his days. 

Also, if he understands he will have the child 3 1/2 days a week and be fully responsible for them just like you will be the other days (or a week at a time, whatever), he may decide he can't be bothered, especially considering he's trying to trap you at home just so he doesn't have to do much already with them. Trying to convince you it's YOU they need, not him. Nonsense. 

He's really manipulating you and all you can do is stand firm and keep your life going the direction you want it going against his will.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Does he drive on painkillers? That needs to stop.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should look up the state you are in and see what the child custody laws are there. Just google it. You will find plenty, including how many miles apart you can be from the sharing parent, but it won't be far -- and who would want it to be since you have to do exchanges.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

I’m not saying I want to get divorced because I’m no where near that. We dated about a year before we got married. Yeah I’m sure he drives. He really doesn’t do it often though.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ken8365 said:


> He does painkillers sometimes. He used to do them more. He won’t admit it but it’s obvious and I have seen texts before. We have argued about that. The school thing he just says he wants a big family and the kid/kids need their mother. You don’t think I would be able to move home if I did end up leaving?


So there's legal and then there's legal.

If it gets bad enough you want to leave and you have say parents you can go to. Then you can just up and leave with the baby and go to your parents. Don't tell him. After you are in your parents place then you let him know that the relationship isn't working for you. Stay at your parents for a long time then file for divorce. The longer your child is in another state then the better off you are. 

If he retains an attorney and files shortly after you leaving then you maybe ordered by a judge to return. That would be return to the state not his household.

Many times if people aren't connected or have money custody is done by primary residence. So if the baby is with you.

But that is risky and you would still have to allow him visitation so you have to ask how far are your parents from where you live now? How would you accomplish visitation?

If you wanted to go straight by the book you wouldn't generally be allowed to leave the state. depending on which state they may even restrict you to within a few hours.

However, are we there yet? You weren't sure about his behaviors earlier. So are they worse than you originally let on?

Just remember. You need to decide if you are going to be more self sufficient or are you going to rely on him?

It's ironic because so many of the men on this forum complain if their wives don't work or don't make as much because when they divorce that means alimony and child support. You want to go back to school and work and he's trying to keep you home. I think stay at home mom is a invaluable resource for a family. But you can only really do that is you realllllly trust your husband. If you do stay don't ever get in a position where you don't have access to money or know about the household budget.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> I’m not saying I want to get divorced because I’m no where near that. We dated about a year before we got married. Yeah I’m sure he drives. He really doesn’t do it often though.


I know. Just giving you info in case you can't work it out. Controlling people are hard to work anything out with. But I wish you luck at it. Best bet is stand your ground starting now and just don't go along with any of this nonsense. Keep working your goals, keep having friends and doing what normal people do and don't let him isolate you and inhibit you. Maybe if you stand real strong right now and just say, I'm not going to do that, he will back down. Just don't know.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> I’m not saying I want to get divorced because I’m no where near that. We dated about a year before we got married. Yeah I’m sure he drives. He really doesn’t do it often though.


If he does painkillers and drives with the baby, that can really get him in serious trouble.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

I don’t think he has ever driven with baby while on them. Thank you everyone


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

How do you think your husband would respond if you told him you weren't onboard with having as many kids as he wants?


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

I have told him I don’t know about 4 or 5. He gets annoyed/frustrated. Really wants a big family. I’ve said maybe 3. Yeah he doesn’t like it at all.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ken8365 said:


> I have told him I don’t know about 4 or 5. He gets annoyed/frustrated. Really wants a big family. I’ve said maybe 3. Yeah he doesn’t like it at all.


Did you two talk about kids before you got married?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are unlikely to ever go back to work if he has his way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You are unlikely to ever go back to work if he has his way.


That’s probably why he’s insisting she not finish school and immediately have back to back babies. He’s trapping her.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

We accidentally got pregnant and never really discussed more until he started talking about wanting a big family.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

I am open to compromise but I don’t think it will be good enough. I get depressed sometimes staying at the house, not accomplishing anything, no goals. Not that I don’t love being with my daughter because I do especially these early years. I don’t think I can do it forever though


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s probably why he’s insisting she not finish school and immediately have back to back babies. He’s trapping her.


You think he just wants me to stay dependent on him?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ken8365 said:


> You think he just wants me to stay dependent on him?


Yes. Sometimes it isn't even like a conscious choice. They just feel better if they have the upper hand. Most don't sit and say Ohhh I want to trap her and become a controlling jerk.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ken8365 said:


> You think he just wants me to stay dependent on him?


Yep. That is it exactly. No one wants absolute and unaccountable control over another person for altruistic reasons. If he wants you unable to leave, you should wonder what he’s going to do that would make you want to leave. Again, only you know him, but you were concerned enough to post here because I assume something doesn’t feel right? We have instincts for a reason. Please pay attention to them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ken8365 said:


> He gets annoyed/frustrated. Really wants a big family. I’ve said maybe 3. Yeah he doesn’t like it at all.


There are plenty of couples who have big families. I say it's great if that's what you want. The thing is, children are a MAJOR issue in any marriage.

Without you and your husband in agreement, I don't see this ending well.

Your husband's attitude, and the way he treats you, really sucks. He is showing disrespect. If you knuckle under to his demands, I fear you'll end up being little more than a baby making SAHM. Fine for some. But it sounds like this isn't your life goal.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

yeah it feels like I married a different person sometimes


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Ken8365 said:


> Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job.
> 
> The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.
> 
> ...


This is a situation where you and your husband need to develop top notch communication skills. If he is dismissing your feelings and point of view that is a huge problem and could lead to a lifetime of misery for you. You both need take a breath and a step back, sit down and have some big discussions about what you want from life. 

Now wanting you to delete all social media etc. is a very controlling ask in my view. It sounds like he might be a strong traditionalist. Perhaps that is a way of life that will work for you but the two of you need to have these big picture discussions and figure out if you are really a fit for a life long marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> We accidentally got pregnant and never really discussed more until he started talking about wanting a big family.


Well in this case it's not anything you ever agreed to and there's absolutely no reason for you to agree to it now so just say no.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ken8365 said:


> You think he just wants me to stay dependent on him?


That's the best way to control you. And men know it.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

I’ll try to sit him down and talk about everything again. Thank you all


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

This is not good. Bad signs here. You moved, he got a better job. Going good then start going to church. Problems start then. It's a form of mind control and molding to fit a specific churches dogma, not the true teaching of God. The sudden shift in dominant personality and submissive wife all lead to that. It will get worse. The longer and deeper he/you belong in whatever this faith is, the more it will corrupt the purity of your relationship. Either bring him to understand and both leave, or leave without him. It will get worse.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ken8365 said:


> We accidentally got pregnant and never really discussed more until he started talking about wanting a big family.


My wife wanted 9 kids. Now she is happy with the 2. For a child's mental development, it is better for them to be raised by a parent and not the day care. However there should be no problem returning to work when you get starts school. Job during school hours.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TinyTbone said:


> This is not good. Bad signs here. You moved, he got a better job. Going good then start going to church. Problems start then. It's a form of mind control and molding to fit a specific churches dogma, not the true teaching of God. The sudden shift in dominant personality and submissive wife all lead to that. It will get worse. The longer and deeper he/you belong in whatever this faith is, the more it will corrupt the purity of your relationship. Either bring him to understand a leave or leave without him. It will get worse.


Bible said husband is supposed to be the head over the wife, like Christ is over the Church. And the husband is supposed to sacrifice himself for her as Christ did for the church.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> This is a situation where you and your husband need to develop top notch communication skills. If he is dismissing your feelings and point of view that is a huge problem and could lead to a lifetime of misery for you. You both need take a breath and a step back, sit down and have some big discussions about what you want from life.
> 
> Now wanting you to delete all social media etc. is a very controlling ask in my view. It sounds like he might be a strong traditionalist. Perhaps that is a way of life that will work for you but the two of you need to have these big picture discussions and figure out if you are really a fit for a life long marriage.


I agree, they need to have a serious sit down and discuss their expectations, boundaries, and vision for marriage.

I disagree (to a point) on the social media limitations being controlling. 
A lot of people have significant restrictions on social media within a marriage, and I think that’s generally a good and healthy thing.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her husband to not want his wife on Snapchat, Instagram, etc. 
My wife has Facebook, and that’s about it. When one of her (female) friends tried to get her to create a Snapchat profile, I told her I was not OK with my wife being on Snapchat.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m not sure if your husband has changed or you married him before really seeing this “side” of him. I wouldn’t have anymore children unless you both get on the same page. Controlling men who start out like this usually don’t get less controlling. It usually gets worse and I hope you don’t stay with someone who would rather possess you than be a partner. I’ve known Christian men like this, and they twist the Bible to suit their bad behaviors.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I will say that you have been given so good advice above. I do want to emphasize that if you want to finish school before thinking about expanding your family, you should not compromise on that. No matter what, finish school first or it will be more difficult than you can imagine. 

Also, keep in mind, that many people say- oh you can go back to work when the kids start school no problem. Well, I want to know where all these good jobs are that you can come in after 8 am and and leave around 2:30 pm or so. If you live in a rural area it would be even shorter working hours. Just wanted to point out that “magic jobs” don’t happen because you have school aged kids.

Don’t make anyone make you feel guilty forputting your child in daycare some so you can finish school. You are bettering yourself so your child can have a better life. I have three children, one was in daycare full time because we could not afford to live in one salary if we were ever going to buy a house. The other 2 went part time when older so they could make friends and give me a break. All of them have good memories and the one that went full time still has friends today 15 or so years later that were made in daycare / preschool.

Again, finish school first no matter what and then make decisions from there. Meanwhile, try to get into some counseling with your husband.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Controlling a hole. You would be nuts to allow him to control your behavior the way he thinks he can. 

If you want to try to work through it, fine but better make sure you don't have any more kids until you get some clarity. 

What do your parents/family think about this? I'd be curious about that. Typically it wouldn't matter, but you are pretty young and probably would benefit from some family guidance. I'd be shocked if they were on board with any of it. 

Measure twice and cut once.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Bible said husband is supposed to be the head over the wife, like Christ is over the Church. And the husband is supposed to sacrifice himself for her as Christ did for the church.


But she in no way has to subscribe to that. I grew up in a community full of Christians and I don't know anyone who subscribed to it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

And the Bible states for men to love their wives, the way Christ loved the Church. (Ephesians 5:25) That part always fall to the wayside it seems but many ''Christian'' men always remember the part about women being submissive.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> And the Bible states for men to love their wives, the way Christ loved the Church. (Ephesians 5:25) That part always fall to the wayside it seems but many ''Christian'' men always remember the part about women being submissive.


I think it's mainly certain sects. The community I grew up in were strict Baptists, but if any of them were trying to play that game, their wives were simply not cooperating because they had a lot of say in the household.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's mainly certain sects. The community I grew up in were strict Baptists, but if any of them were trying to play that game, their wives were simply not cooperating because they had a lot of say in the household.


Yea, I believe Paul was instructing men and women to not make marriage hard. To live in harmony, and to do that, here is what God is saying about it. That passage was never meant for men to get a pass to abuse women. But, so many do.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Bible said husband is supposed to be the head over the wife, like Christ is over the Church. And the husband is supposed to sacrifice himself for her as Christ did for the church.


Absolutely, not to lord over her and exercise dominion.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Ken8365 said:


> Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job.
> 
> The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.
> 
> ...


Married too young.
At 23 you still want to live your life and if it continues on like this your marriage is going to fail and you`ll be one of the 60% statistics of divorce cases.
My first wife and I married at 21 years old, we had 2 kids. I was working all hours and socialising with mates while she was stuck at home with the kids.
Eventually my wife found it difficult to cope and felt trapped. This marriage ended in disaster.
Be adamant that you are not ready to have more children yet and don`t become manipulated by your husband just to appease him.
At this moment imagine I am your online dad and giving you good advice because I speak from a lifetime of experience.
Trust me on this one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ken8365 said:


> He does painkillers sometimes. He used to do them more. He won’t admit it but it’s obvious and I have seen texts before. We have argued about that. The school thing he just says he wants a big family and the kid/kids need their mother. You don’t think I would be able to move home if I did end up leaving?


Does your family live in another state? Or in another country?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But she in no way has to subscribe to that. I grew up in a community full of Christians and I don't know anyone who subscribed to it.


No she doesn't. I know people who claim to be Christian that are swingers. It just depends on if you want a Christian marriage based on the principles in the Bible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ken8365 Your husband wants to control you. _And yet he can't even control himself. _He needs to get clean first, before he tries to pick holes in you and your life.

HUSBAND: "Yeah, honey, social media is bad for you, so I don't want you on social media."

WIFE: "But dear, don't you think taking illegal drugs is an even worse thing? I mean, your body is a temple, right?"

HUSBAND:









And that's the problem right there. He know he should control himself, but he can't, so he decides to control you and your child instead, eventually.

*And everyone else in this thread? Please resist the urge to threadjack the hell out of this thread with irrelevant stories, OK?  *


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez, OP.

When you say you moved 20 hours away, did you settle in Lancaster, PA? Is your family transportation a horse and buggy, and do you attend barn-raisings for neighbors in need and sell pies at the local vegetable stand? Welcome to 1957.

Sadly, I see you agreeing to having a litter of kids just to appease your arrogant, selfish and abusive husband (yes, he's abusive because he's managed to *isolate* you by moving you 20 hours away from any friends and family you had, and has a problem with the group of friends you HAVE made out there in Amish country. He's decided YOU don't get to have a career, and that you're going to be his brood mare and spit out 5 or 6 kids and stay chained to the house with them while *he* gets to go out into the real world like a real adult every day.

Stick up for him all you want OP (like you've been doing in this thread) but those of us with a little more life experience can see* exactly* what he's doing. And 10 years from now when you've got 5 or 6 kids - and at least 2 of them are in diapers - you'll be wondering what the hell you've done with your life. And of course, because you've been a brood-mare for the last 10-12 years, you're completely financially dependent on Mr. Wonderful (which was his goal) and are barely qualified to work at Wendy's because you've been out of the job market for over 10 years. So, you feel completely trapped because you don't want to struggle as a poor, single mother with 6 kids all on her own, so you have to stay right where you are.

Don't EVER paint yourself into a corner like that without a contingency plan.

OP, you remind me of the frog in the pot of hot water; he's sitting there contentedly, all warm and cozy but because the water is being heated slowly, he isn't aware that the water is getting hotter and hotter and hotter until it's too late and he's boiled to death. Just watch the water, OP.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can you tell us more about your social media use? Was there any specific that made him worry?


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Ken8365 said:


> Husband (26m) and I(23f) have been married for a year, daughter was born a few months after we got married. We got pregnant on accident but we loved each other and decided to get married. When I got pregnant we moved a 20 hour drive closer to his family. His father got him a decent job.
> 
> The trouble comes the last few months. He has joined some male oriented activities and we have been going to a church. I have never went to church before but it was something he really wanted us to do and I thought it would be good for him. Thought it might be good for our daughter to grow up with that sense of community.
> 
> ...


It looks to me like there hasn't been much communication between you two. You say that "the plan was..." but I wonder was this something in which there was a real understanding between you two.

My suggestion is to have a sit-down talk with him and be very explicit about the plans for your marriage. It looks like your next 5-10 years are still in the air about what will happen (kids, career, etc). This should be a very cordial conversation where things are discussed with pros and cons and what is best for you both and the family. It's a red flag otherwise.

I also suggest that you read up on boundaries and start establishing some. I think given the situation, you need to put emphasis on this and take it seriously.

The pill usage should be talked about, also. This is even more dangerous these days due to the amount of fentanyl that is out there. Take this seriously because even without overdosing it can cause serious health issues and financial strain by spending too much money on this stuff. I'll spare my story here, but I just want you to know what I'm talking about from experience. Don't ignore what he's doing on this.

Good luck!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, sorry you are dealing with these issues.

you both are very young and jumped into marriage quickly without knowing each other very well - or at least that is what it seems like to me.

he should have said his boundaries and what he wants out of a relationship prior to getting you pregnant and then married.

I think your number 1 problem is the drugs. That has to stop. I don’t think it is worth going after any of the other issues until that is taken care of. It should be top priority.

secondly, marriage counseling for sure. He is not respecting you as his equal and team member in your marriage. That isn’t fair to you. He needs to listen to you and understand what your needs are in this marriage.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, you remind me of the frog in the pot of hot water; he's sitting there contentedly, all warm and cozy but because the water is being heated slowly, he isn't aware that the water is getting hotter and hotter and hotter until it's too late and he's boiled to death. Just watch the water, OP.


Quoted for truth. He is telling her who she can be friends with, what her job will be, how many children she will have and cutting her off from anyone outside his approved circle. He may as well be twirling a long mustache, these red flags are so cartoonishly obvious.

No one wants absolute and unaccountable control over another person so they can treat them well. The warnings here are loud and flashing. Please, get out.


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

The social media thing was from me getting depressed sometimes. I thought it might be a good idea too. I kept Facebook because it’s how I mostly in touch with family & friends back home. He still doesn’t like me having Facebook. My family just lives in another state.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

People in healthy relationships make decisions together. Does he see your relationship working that way? Doesn't really sound like it.

Seems like you need to iron out that point moving forward... he can't just one day decide something for you...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> No she doesn't. I know people who claim to be Christian that are swingers. It just depends on if you want a Christian marriage based on the principles in the Bible.


It depends on how you interpret the Bible and how seriously you take it since it was written in a completely different time and a completely different world by all men and has been revised by rulers over the centuries to suit their needs.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It depends on how you interpret the Bible and how seriously you take it since it was written in a completely different time and a completely different world by all men and has been revised by rulers over the centuries to suit their needs.


Not to thread jack, so I'll be very brief.
This is not what followers of Christ believe and it has been shown that the scriptures have maintained their integrity over the milenia. There is a problem with some translations, but the original is reliable.


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## feral_cat (3 mo ago)

Random person off the street here. I think you need to get some running shoes and RUN! Marriage counseling at the church sounds like a bad idea. They have a vested interest (finacially even) in you accepting the crappy lot he is trying to get you to accept. I think you are lucky all these red flags are shooting off now while you are still young. Where are your parents at on this? I'd give him a chance to reconsider what you want out of life, but if he doesn't budge, I would just disappear one day (obviously with baby). Don't wait around and risk the abuse to turn physical. Or you can hate your life forever. Easy choice imho. Good luck


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## Ken8365 (3 mo ago)

Haven’t really told my family much except that he wants more kids


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ken8365 said:


> Haven’t really told my family much except that he wants more kids


You should tell them. If I were you, I'd keep the lines of communication with your family open and frequent.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Run.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You should tell them. If I were you, I'd keep the lines of communication with your family open and frequent.


This is more important than you know. Do not, under any circumstances, allow him to isolate you.
Also, enroll in school asap.


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