# What is wrong with my Husband



## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

We have been married 21 years, we have had lots of problems and worked through them all, now I just don't know what is going on with him, he's moody for weeks at a time the only time he is kind is after we are intimate with each other and that will only last for a couple days at the most. I feel like the kids and I are walking on eggshells around him. He talks about how he works all day and wants to come home to a clean quiet home and WE are not helping to make this possible. He says I am not being a tough enough Mom to make the kids mind, I am not consistent with the kids, I am not a good parent, the kids do not respect me or love me and if they did they would do what their told to do. I start crying and try to defend myself but it becomes a huge argument and then he says that I am interrupting him and not letting him finish talking, so I am quiet while he continues then he wants me to apologize, he turns everything around to make me look like the bad guy every time. Please Help!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose45 said:


> We have been married 21 years, we have had lots of problems and worked through them all, now I just don't know what is going on with him, he's moody for weeks at a time the only time he is kind is after we are intimate with each other and that will only last for a couple days at the most. I feel like the kids and I are walking on eggshells around him. He talks about how he works all day and wants to come home to a clean quiet home and WE are not helping to make this possible. He says I am not being a tough enough Mom to make the kids mind, I am not consistent with the kids, I am not a good parent, the kids do not respect me or love me and if they did they would do what their told to do. I start crying and try to defend myself but it becomes a huge argument and then he says that I am interrupting him and not letting him finish talking, so I am quiet while he continues then he wants me to apologize, he turns everything around to make me look like the bad guy every time. Please Help!!!


More info is needed.

It sounds like you are a SAHM. Is this true?

How many children do you have and how old are they?

How often do you two have sex?

Is his perception right? Is your house not clean and neat? 

Is there a lot of chaos?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Are home or you have a job? how old are you kids?


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## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

To EleGirl; 
Yes I am a SAHM, we have six children the oldest lives on his own and five at home. we have sex three times a week except for the week of my period. Yes in his perception and I clean everyday sometimes I feel its never good enough. Yes lots of chaos, from kids in band and orchestra to football and my youngest daughter wants to be in ballet not to mention all the friends coming over everyday, and laundry everyday, dishes, food to prepare everyday the list goes on. He thinks he could do a better job at what I do everyday...he has even told me he can. He has even said (when we would argue) that he's done and pack his clothes while having a temper tantrum by throwing things around in our bedroom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does he do to help with the house and the kids when he's home?


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## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

When he comes home I already have the home as clean as it can be with five kids running in and out, dishes done, laundry going all day, floors vacuumed, dinner done, and sometimes the bathrooms are dirty, by dirty I mean floor not moped and sink not cleaned. So the majority of the time he comes home and watches the news, then yells at the kids for some things they didn't do, then we eat while the tv is still on, (this annoys me) but I don't let it bother me because I don't want a argument. I put the kids to bed read stories to them tuck them in bed say good night while he plays Call Of Duty. I Hate that game.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose45 said:


> To EleGirl;
> Yes I am a SAHM, we have six children the oldest lives on his own and five at home. we have sex three times a week except for the week of my period. Yes in his perception and I clean everyday sometimes I feel its never good enough. Yes lots of chaos, from kids in band and orchestra to football and my youngest daughter wants to be in ballet not to mention all the friends coming over everyday, and laundry everyday, dishes, food to prepare everyday the list goes on. He thinks he could do a better job at what I do everyday...he has even told me he can. He has even said (when we would argue) that he's done and pack his clothes while having a temper tantrum by throwing things around in our bedroom.


OK, so that’s a lot of kids and thus a lot of work. I grew up in a family with 8 children. So I have some insight into this?

How many hours a week does he work at his job?

Since I cannot see your home or how your children behave I have no idea if he’s picking on you unreasonably. But I do know that it’s easy to look at the chaos of a large family and think he can do better than you do.

You mentioned that the children do not help with chores. Why not?

He wants a clean, quiet house. That is a reasonable request. What can you and the children do to give him that? Is there a room in the house that can be his den/cave? A place where he can go and its always quiet and clean? Then after he spends come time decompressing from work he can could out and join his family and help you in the evenings and weekend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose45 said:


> When he comes home I already have the home as clean as it can be with five kids running in and out, dishes done, laundry going all day, floors vacuumed, dinner done, and sometimes the bathrooms are dirty, by dirty I mean floor not moped and sink not cleaned. So the majority of the time he comes home and watches the news, then yells at the kids for some things they didn't do, then we eat while the tv is still on, (this annoys me) but I don't let it bother me because I don't want a argument. I put the kids to bed read stories to them tuck them in bed say good night while he plays Call Of Duty. I Hate that game.


So he does not help you with the children or the house? 

That's not acceptable. Sure he works, but he gets off and gets to go home where you do everything. And out of this you get a 24/7 job as a SAHM?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Rose45 said:


> He thinks he could do a better job at what I do everyday...he has even told me he can.


Have 8 children and H was very similar. Basically we did that^^ and it drastically reduced H's crazy unrealistic expectations. 


Think seriously about what you might like as a career for the next 20 years ( I wanted something that paid fairly well, is professional, and flexible/compatible with having busy growing children.)

I considered schoolteacher but decided to become a nurse, took CNA training (free, and they pay you) at a nursing home and worked full time as a CNA for @6 months then dropped to part time and started nursing school.

Meanwhile, H became unemployed when I was a CNA so he took over the household. 

40 hours a week providing full care for demented seniors is a CAKE WALK compared to 24/7 SAHM of 8. So switch roles: you work and come home and put your feet up and see how long it takes him to beg for mercy.


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## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

No we don't have a den, that is why he will sit and watch the news in the family room, sometimes he will go up to our room and stay there till dinner is done. Yes I get a 24/7 job as a Mom, his job is a Project engineer at a plant where they build Locomotives which is stressful, the problem is this, with everything I do for him he is still distant with me except when he wants sex, I don't know what to do


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## cjp (Aug 31, 2013)

i was just married on june 4 2013..my husband is already wanting seperated time due to he says he needs to clear his head he says that he started having feeling of not loving me the way he should love a wife..due to a hectic life..i have 3 kids of my own he has none..when we got back from our honeymoon it just seemed like everything went south..we didnt argue it was just the affection and now he says he just wants to clear his head..ive went through stages of pissed..crying all the time..scared he says that im not helping matters any by the way im acting to give him his time...he has been out of the house for a week now..i was texting and talking to him on a daily basis but not much when we would talk i would break down and he would get upset and it would just turn ugly..i hear some ppl say give him the break and not to think to much into it but others say it seems fishy..there is this other woman at work that herself is haveing marital issues and has recently seperated from her husband..i actually considered her a friend her and my husband say that its just bad timing between the two issues..but she was giving him some advise is what ive been told on how to handle some small issues we were having and then all of a sudden my husband says that he needs time away to clear his head..first he tells me he will be back after his head clears then he tells me he may not be back i dont know what to do and think of all this i am so scared


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cjp said:


> i was just married on june 4 2013..my husband is already wanting seperated time due to he says he needs to clear his head he says that he started having feeling of not loving me the way he should love a wife..due to a hectic life..i have 3 kids of my own he has none..when we got back from our honeymoon it just seemed like everything went south..we didnt argue it was just the affection and now he says he just wants to clear his head..ive went through stages of pissed..crying all the time..scared he says that im not helping matters any by the way im acting to give him his time...he has been out of the house for a week now..i was texting and talking to him on a daily basis but not much when we would talk i would break down and he would get upset and it would just turn ugly..i hear some ppl say give him the break and not to think to much into it but others say it seems fishy..there is this other woman at work that herself is haveing marital issues and has recently seperated from her husband..i actually considered her a friend her and my husband say that its just bad timing between the two issues..but she was giving him some advise is what ive been told on how to handle some small issues we were having and then all of a sudden my husband says that he needs time away to clear his head..first he tells me he will be back after his head clears then he tells me he may not be back i dont know what to do and think of all this i am so scared


You should start your own thread and post this there. That way you can get support for yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is a project engineer. Sure it's stressful. So he takes an hour when he gets home, in your bedroom I guess for quiet time. Then he comes out and helps you with the house and the children. 

If he wants peace and quiet when he comes home, he can get up and help to create it.

TAke a look at the links below for "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". After you read the books get him into MC with you. The books will tell you the direction you want to take things in counseling and what you can ask him for and what you can do for him.

But you need help waking him up the reality of the big family he was very much involved in creating.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband is a project engineer. Sure it's stressful. So he takes an hour when he gets home, in your bedroom I guess for quiet time. Then he comes out and helps you with the house and the children.


Sorry, but I disagree. I think your view is far too simplistic.

Has anyone considered how the husband might be feeling?

Maybe he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. Maybe the house is on a mortgage and he is the only earner in the household. If he messes up, he loses the house, the home to his wife and kids.

I'm not saying its the same thing, but I went through something similar. For most of my career I've been happy and confident and productive, but for the last 2 years I was in a job that I thoroughly hated. I hated it because I was made to feel old and past it, and because it was full of bureaucracy getting in the way of the actual work, and because I have enough experience in my industry to know that the management was incompetent and destined to run the business into the ground, and because I knew all this, as well as the that when it did fall, it would take me and the other staff with it. So I was permanently so stressed and worried that I became distant at home. My wife is lovely and supportive, but I know she must have had her own anxieties about my moods and attitude. I eventually cracked and resigned without having any alternative, and then promptly went to see a counsellor because I realised I was either in or close to a nervous breakdown, and I couldn't even show my wife and son the love I have for them because of how messed up in the head I was.

I've since moved on, changed jobs, and am doing much better.

This is not about me, but the reason I shared my story is to highlight that life is not always black and white. Maybe the husband in this case is really struggling. A good starting point for a wife that clearly cares enough to ask for help, would be to at least consider that possibility, and if her husband is feeling any of these things, then to work with him, to make sure he knows that he is at least respected at home if not at work, that he is valued, that he doesn't have to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShyEnglishman said:


> Sorry, but I disagree. I think your view is far too simplistic.
> 
> Has anyone considered how the husband might be feeling?
> 
> Maybe he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. Maybe the house is on a mortgage and he is the only earner in the household. If he messes up, he loses the house, the home to his wife and kids.


Why do you think I did not consider how the husband feels? I have more in common with her husband than I do with the OP. 
I’m an engineer; a project engineer for the last few years. I’ve been the breadwinner of a family with 3 children for years. 
But unlike the OP, my husband was not a good SAHD. He refused to get a job and he did nothing, zilch around the house and with the children. He spent all this time locked in a home office playing computer games and surfing the web. 
I know what it’s like to have the financial weight on my shoulders for a family.
I know what it’s like to not come home to a quiet, clean house. And I know what it’s really like to have a SAH spouse who is not pulling their weight.
Both the OP and her husband are lucky. She has a husband who supports her and their children. He has a wife who sounds like a very good SAHM who takes care of the house, their children and him.


ShyEnglishman said:


> I'm not saying its the same thing, but I went through something similar. For most of my career I've been happy and confident and productive, but for the last 2 years I was in a job that I thoroughly hated. I hated it because I was made to feel old and past it, and because it was full of bureaucracy getting in the way of the actual work, and because I have enough experience in my industry to know that the management was incompetent and destined to run the business into the ground, and because I knew all this, as well as the that when it did fall, it would take me and the other staff with it. So I was permanently so stressed and worried that I became distant at home. My wife is lovely and supportive, but I know she must have had her own anxieties about my moods and attitude. I eventually cracked and resigned without having any alternative, and then promptly went to see a counsellor because I realised I was either in or close to a nervous breakdown, and I couldn't even show my wife and son the love I have for them because of how messed up in the head I was.


So did you come home, sit on your bum and yell at your wife and kids? Or did you help out and give your wife some relief?

Yea I’ve been through all of that as well. It’s not a reason to attack one’s spouse, a spouse who is doing what they should be doing. It’s not an excuse to just about destroy a marriage/family.


ShyEnglishman said:


> I've since moved on, changed jobs, and am doing much better.


Good to hear.


ShyEnglishman said:


> This is not about me, but the reason I shared my story is to highlight that life is not always black and white. Maybe the husband in this case is really struggling. A good starting point for a wife that clearly cares enough to ask for help, would be to at least consider that possibility, and if her husband is feeling any of these things, then to work with him, to make sure he knows that he is at least respected at home if not at work, that he is valued, that he doesn't have to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders alone.


I think it goes both ways. A couple needs to support and respect each other. IT’s not a one way street where only she has responsibilities to him, the home and the children when they are all together.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Elegirl,

I agree with your post.

We CHOOSE our careers! We make those choices. If I wanted a non stressful job where I put in my time and just come home and there's no stress because I myself don't feel stress....well....I would not have the salary I have as VP of the company.

Project Managers....Project Engineers....Managers...Executives....all stressful work. However....I chose this! I accepted this! That does not give me an excuse to shirk household duties... Forget about being a parent......

Nope. All part in parcel of what we call life!

My job is not my excuse. My job is my income. being more responsible at work, with all the added stress....is why I make the living I do.

However.....stress doesn't come home. Sure....it's in the back of my mind...always there....

But I have kids to raise. A household to help upkeep. Ballet. Swimming lessons. Baseball. Soccer. Karate classes. Piano classes....gymnastics....dusting...laundry....dinner....lunches....dishes....vacumming.....lego in the middle of the hallway! fK! It just never ends! About mid August.... I have to mentally prepare myself for how the next 10 months is going to churn out. Holy crap! 

Well...the point is....I have two stressful jobs. One I enjoy but keeps me stressed none to five most days....some days 24 hours....
And the other that I know just won't ever end...,.just is the most rewarding experience ever....no matter how tired I get....or how often I'm feeling like I live in my car....driving place to place. In between breaking up fights cuz sister's knee touched brother in the car and that just sucks!

The moral....OPs man is getting lazy...feeling entitled to his "time" by himself. How his job is sooooo stressful, he should just be able to come home and relax.....cuz he deserves it.

Well....welcome to life. Welcome to responsibility.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think I did not consider how the husband feels? I have more in common with her husband than I do with the OP.
> I’m an engineer; a project engineer for the last few years. I’ve been the breadwinner of a family with 3 children for years.


With respect, that doesn't make you qualified to understand the husband. Unless you know the man personally, you know nothing at all about the inner workings of his mind, the nature of his job or anything. I'm an engineer, probably a different kind to you because 'engineer' is such a broad term. If if you worked at the same place as OP's husband, it still doesn't mean you understand how he feels. I left a job recently that was cracking me up, yet I had colleagues there doing the exact same job in the exact same office who were happy.

You can't possibly claim to understand his feelings.



alphaomega said:


> Elegirl,
> 
> I agree with your post.
> 
> We CHOOSE our careers! We make those choices. If I wanted a non stressful job where I put in my time and just come home and there's no stress because I myself don't feel stress....well....I would not have the salary I have as VP of the company.


How lucky you are to be able to make all those choices without worrying, especially at a time of global economic crisis when companies are dropping like flies and banks are keep a very close eye on those who owe them money.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So what's the point at which there's sympathy for the husband's potential feelings, and it becoming a perpetual excuse for his behavior?


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> So what's the point at which there's sympathy for the husband's potential feelings, and it becoming a perpetual excuse for his behavior?


As I keep saying on here. Life is not black and white. We are not all the same. We don't all understand each other's feelings, and its not all about right and wrong, points scoring, working cut-off points and thresholds, or making excuses.

Is not marriage the union of two souls?

What affects one partner affects the other. What helps one partner helps the other.

It may well be that the OP's husband is simply being horrible, but we can't assume that. If being horrible was his natural character, one would assume that OP would never have married him.

It is possible that he is struggling with issues in his mind. If he is, then simply calling him a bad man is not going to help anyone, let alone the OP who clearly wants to get to the bottom of the problem, because she has come on here to ask advice as opposed to taking another of many options like simply ignoring the problem, or walking out.

I've been through 'issues', and come home and been distant and moody. Lucky for me and my family I have recognised it and sought help. Some people don't recognise it until its too late. Some recognise it but are too proud or are embarrassed to admit it to themselves so they try to fight it alone, and end up in the spiral of oblivion.

Lets not write off a family just yet. Its not OP's fault, she should know that, but this shouldn't be about whether or not its anyone fault. This should be about trying to work out if we can help a good lady, and she must be a good lady in order to ask for help, to save her marriage.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, how long has this been going on?
Have you ever sat down and tried to discuss this with your H? What are his feelings, why is he coming at you like this, why is he disconnected from the family? How hard you work and how unappreciated you feel?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShyEnglishman said:


> As I keep saying on here. Life is not black and white. We are not all the same. We don't all understand each other's feelings, and its not all about right and wrong, points scoring, working cut-off points and thresholds, or making excuses.
> 
> Is not marriage the union of two souls?
> 
> ...


Instead of going after the other posters and accusing us of saying things we have not said... why don't you talk directly to the OP and give her your sage advice directly.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Instead of going after the other posters and accusing us of saying things we have not said... why don't you talk directly to the OP and give her your sage advice directly.


I have a better idea. I'll leave you all to pass judgement on each other in my absence. With one or two exceptions, I've never encountered such biased, bitter people as there are on here.

Enjoy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I have a better idea. I'll leave you all to pass judgement on each other in my absence. With one or two exceptions, I've never encountered such biased, bitter people as there are on here.
> 
> Enjoy.


:scratchhead:....


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## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank You everyone for the advice.....it gave me some things to think about, my husband is not a bad guy that's why I am asking for some help....I don't understand this behavior of his it's been like this (him being distant unless we have just had sex then he's all over me) for more than four years, I have touched on the subject with him but he doesn't seem to see it the way I do, he has even said at times that he wants a divorce, that he just can't handle it anymore. I don't know why he is acting like this another woman? depression? bored with me? all these thoughts go through my mind and I feel like I am in a whirlwind, he tells me ALOT that he feels like a paycheck for the family, what?? I do a lot to show him that I appreciate him....I just don't get it. Thank You ShyEnglishMan for your point of view


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Rose45 said:


> When he comes home I already have the home as clean as it can be with five kids running in and out, dishes done, laundry going all day, floors vacuumed, dinner done, and sometimes the bathrooms are dirty, by dirty I mean floor not moped and sink not cleaned. So the majority of the time he comes home and watches the news, then yells at the kids for some things they didn't do, then we eat while the tv is still on, (this annoys me) but I don't let it bother me because I don't want a argument. I put the kids to bed read stories to them tuck them in bed say good night while he plays Call Of Duty. I Hate that game.


Until I read Call of Duty I thought it was 1950 This man needs to respect and honor the hard work it takes to do your job SAHM

Stand up for yourelf and tell him to go ahead and do the housework better or take a flying fvck


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

How old are your children? 

I am also a stay at home mom and I so want to go back to work, like now.. I don't get any help even though he says he will start helping me. He has done dishes once 3 weeks ago. The garbage doesn't get taken out unless I do it. I may be at home all day, but I would love a little break here and there and sometime off of my feet to just relax, because my feet are so swollen and hurt all the time, I am also 6 months pregnant. 

Right now I only have one child at home, I don't know what I would do with 5!! Being a stay at home mom isn't any less stressful then working outside the home. I was never stressed out at any of the jobs I have had, not like I am now. I have days where i want to pull my hair out and beat my head against the wall. Raising children is a freaking hard job, probably one of the hardest.

I think your husband has gotten lazy and expects you to do everything because you are home all day. Most people don't realize what a stay at home mom job entails. It is not 9-5 it is 24/7 with no days off, no sick days and no vacation! WE get burnt the hell out and a little help would be nice!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Can you just clear up something for me before I feel able to offer an opinion / advice?

In your opening post you said your husband was in a bad mood except for the couple of days after you were "intimate" and in a response as to the frequency of your sex life you said "two - three times a week except for the week of your period”.

To me that would indicate that your husband is only grumpy 5 days a month and that it relates directly to your menstrual cycle. Forgive me if I have misunderstood your math’s.

The way in which you say your husband shows his displeasure is not very mature or helpful and the idea that a SAHM should do all the house work / childcare seems a generation out of date with society’s expectations.

I dare say there are still a few "Old School" SAHM's out there who will tell us that they managed to do it all and without the benefit of modern labor saving devices but they are in a minority now.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I view his behaviour as abusive, insisting you listen while he talks, throwing things around and forcing you to apologise. 

I'm not saying your housekeeping is perfect or there is nothing you could improve on, but his behaviour is wrong.


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## polyol (Sep 2, 2013)

How longs have things like this been?

What is your youngest child's age?

Any infidelity?

Is he ever physically abusive?

How are things financially?

Who takes care of the finances?

Have you been to counseling? 

He may just be getting into a rut. Been married a long time etc etc. The fact that he doesnt help out around the house is a problem IMO.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

I don't think it matters how many or how old your kids are, or if you keep the house clean and have dinner on the table by 5 or not etc. The issue is that you are both stressed and very unhappy. Maybe you're not pulling your weight the way he sees fit so he gets stressed and takes it out on you. Or perhaps it is pressure at work etc so he gets stressed and takes it out on you. See the pattern here? No matter what it is please recognise he is the one taking it out on you! You're not allowed to say anything while he lectures you about how inadequate you are ... at best this is really unfair, unkind and disrespectful ... at worst this is domestic abuse.

An idea would be to write down all the different solutions you would be happy with. So if you were willing to go to work and him stay home then that could be one of them, or perhaps it would be that you'll keep the kids as quiet as possible for an hour when he gets home, but then he helps you make dinner or with household chores ... Just a list of different options. Sit with him when the children are asleep and discuss them. You might find a fresh way of doing things that suit you both better.

If he won't sit down and discuss it constructively you could try a third person being there, either someone you both trust to help you work things out for the best or a professional marriage counselor.

If he is unwilling to try these perhaps you should consider your various options without him  Sorry to say it, but if he isn't willing to work on things together and make changes he is always going to be the angry man bringing you down and making your life a misery. Obviously if his behaviour is abusive and not just inconsiderate and thoughtless, get out asap. 

Either way, make it your mission that this time next year you will read this thread and be able to think - look how much happier life is now  xx


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My question is WHY does he think that its okay for him NOT to be father to the six children he helped create and bring into the world?? Existing in the same house with your kids is NOT being a dad, sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose,

Has your husband always left most or all of the chores at home and child rearing to you to the extend of hardly participating?

You say that he has been in this mood for about 4 years and hardly talks about what is bothering him.

From what you say he's checked out of the marriage and wants a divorce. But he feels stuck because he has so much responsibility as the bread winner. Now don't get me wrong. You have an equal amount of responsibility as a SAHM. But he is apparently does not want to be there but feels like he has no choice. And really he does not have a choice (not a good one) but to continue to support his family. This is just as you have no choice but to continue to take care of your family. 

But, he seems very unwilling to look for a solution and instead takes it out on you and the children. This is the problem.

There are things that I think you can do.

Look for specific problems, and try to solve them. If you look at this as one huge problem, it's just too overwhelming.

Find a way to give your husband some quiet time when he gets home. Make the children aware of this need. Then let him know that the first hour after he gets home is family quiet time.

Have you talked to him about the possibility that he is clinically depressed. 4 years is a long time to be in a serious funk.

If you can, get into counseling for yourself. You'd be surprise how much it can help put things into perspective. In counseling work on how to deal with individual problems. For example his yelling at you. You need to find a way to not allow him to do that to you. You need to find a way to get through to him that his job as parent and husband are not done when he walks in the door after work.

Does your husband have any hobbies or activities he likes to do? Maybe he needs to find something.

What he does not seem to understand is that he is making himself little more than a paycheck in the family with the way he's acting.

Here are some books that I think would help you, read in the following order:

_ The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands _ [Laura Schlessinger]

_ Divorce Busting_ [Michele Weiner-Davis]

_ His Needs, Her Needs_ [Dr. Harley]

_ Love Busters_ [Dr. Harley]


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose45 said:


> Thank You everyone for the advice.....it gave me some things to think about, my husband is not a bad guy that's why I am asking for some help....I don't understand this behavior of his it's been like this (him being distant unless we have just had sex then he's all over me) for more than four years, I have touched on the subject with him but he doesn't seem to see it the way I do, he has even said at times that he wants a divorce, that he just can't handle it anymore. I don't know why he is acting like this another woman? depression? bored with me? all these thoughts go through my mind and I feel like I am in a whirlwind, he tells me ALOT that he feels like a paycheck for the family, what?? I do a lot to show him that I appreciate him....I just don't get it. Thank You ShyEnglishMan for your point of view


I agree that he had some valid points. 

My point to him was about his posting style of putting down, insulting and picking fights with other posters is not productive. This is not the only thread where he was doing that.


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## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

Thank You EleGirl;
I will try reading the books you suggested, any books for my husband? anything about how to be a Dad and a good husband for him? If you could think of a book that would point out depression without stating it on the cover of the book I would go get it in an instant


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I view his behaviour as abusive, insisting you listen while he talks, throwing things around and forcing you to apologise.
> 
> I'm not saying your housekeeping is perfect or there is nothing you could improve on, but his behaviour is wrong.


Good grief - finally a voice of reason LittleDeer.

Your husband is verbally & emotionally abusive.

Maybe he wasn't always like this. Maybe he is stressed, angry, depressed, grumpy & miserable but at the end of the day, he is abusive. He's only nice to you when you have sex....sigh....

He calls you a bad Mother, says the children don't like you, puts you down the way you clean a house, scares you enough to listen to his ranting staying silent, scares you enough to apologize for things you did not do, etc.

No wonder you are crying & confused. That is how abuse feels - horrible.

Do not make excuses for his abuse. Not all people with stressful jobs & 6 children abuse their partners.

Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

I feel so bad for you. Does he ever call the children names or put them down?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I witness this behavior everyday at work. People who denigrate someones else's contribution while being either unwilling or incapable of contributing anything to solve the problem themselves. It always makes me wonder what is it they are overcompensating for?


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## Rose45 (Aug 31, 2013)

I really miss the man I married  Loving, put me first in everything, treated me like a princess, really wanted me for me. Can he ever be the guy I married again? Or will I just have to live with the way he is.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Rose45 said:


> I really miss the man I married  Loving, put me first in everything, treated me like a princess, really wanted me for me. Can he ever be the guy I married again? Or will I just have to live with the way he is.


You don't have to live with the way he is and for your own safety and sanity you mustn't. He has been a loving and decent man in the past, that's why I didn't just say outright to run.

His behaviour and attitude towards you is completely unacceptable and either needs to change immediately or you will have to change your environment by getting out. If he won't communicate with you and actually hear you out in a civilised manner there is no option but to see it as abusive and leaving is the only safe option. When the relationship has been loving in the past it is sometimes possible to work through issues later that had they been there earlier on would have been a sign to leave straight away. I hope you can find your way back to the happy times and if not I hope you have the courage and support to get out x


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Maybe this will help you clarify things? xx
From 'The Courage To Heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Is My Relationship Abusive?

Although some are more obviously dangerous than others, almost all of them are potentially dangerous and show a deep lack of respect and an effort to intimidate and control you. Putting up with a certain level of abuse is often interpreted by an abuser that they can continue and escalate the frequency and level of abuse. It's important to recognise what is being done to you and know you don't have to take it.

Physical Abuse:

pushed or shoved you
held you to keep you leaving, or locked you out of the house
slapped, bit, kicked or choked you
hit of punched you
thrown objects at you
abandoned you in dangerous places
refused to help when you were sick, injured, or pregnant
subjected you to reckless driving or kept you from driving
raped you
threatened to hurt you with a weapon

Sexual Abuse:

made demeaning remarks about women
treated women as sex objects
been jealously angry
insisted you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted
prevented you from dressing nicely or wearing make-up
minimised the importance of your feelings about sex
criticised you sexually
insisted on unwanted touching
withheld sex or affection
called you names like '*****' or 'frigid'
forced you to strip when you didn't want to
publicly shown interest in other women
had affairs with other women after agreeing to monogomy
forced sex
forced particular unwanted sex acts
forced sex after beating
committed sadistic sexual acts

Emotional Abuse:

ignored your feelings
ridiculed or insulted women as a group
insulted your valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage, or class
withheld approval or affection as a punishment
criticised you, called you names, shouted at you
insulted your family or friends
humiliated you
refused to socialise with you
kept you from working, controlled your money, made all decisions
refused to work or share money
taken car keys or money away
regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave
threatened to hurt you or your family
punished the children when he/she was angry at you
threatened to kidnap the children if you left him
abused pets to hurt you
manipulated you with lies and contradictions


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