# Loss/Sorrow/Rejection



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

These themes seem to come up regularly on TAM, and are a part of all of our lives. While we feel them in our personal relationships, we have probably experienced them in other areas, too, like our work life.

They are a challenge for all of us. It is natural to feel they visit us unfairly, and to turn away from them as quickly as possible. But they are probably a gift to us.

Without them, our lives would be so shallow. We would not appreciate our blessings. And so often, these three are blessings, too, in their own way. The trick is accepting them, and appreciating their value.

Have you had an experience with loss or sorrow or rejection that, at least in some way, has turned out to be a blessing to you? How did you come to see it this way?


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

jld said:


> These themes seem to come up regularly on TAM, and are a part of all of our lives...Without them, our lives would be so shallow. We would not appreciate our blessings....


This sentiment reminds me of something I read 20 odd years ago,"Freely accepting the inevitability of death is a liberating experience -- joyful even. It's something to joke about, deprecate oneself about, embrace like a lover, and love like life, for ironically it is precisely the acceptance of death that allows and motivates us to live our lives rather than postponing every passionate act and rescheduling every risky venture for a later date because we've tricked ourselves into believing we'll somehow live forever. But we won't live forever." --Jim Sagel, _Dancing to Pay the Light Bill_, "La Comadre Sebastiana"​I was very inspired by that. Until. Until a few years later I learned that the author had taken his own life at the age of 55. I read he suffered from depression. Of course I still love that passage, but it's no longer the same.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I am reading "The Way to Love" by Anthony Demello. Here is a link to one of the meditations on re-framing negative experiences/emotions and viewing them as an opportunity to grow in compassion and love.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blonde said:


> I am reading "The Way to Love" by Anthony Demello. Here is a link to one of the meditations on re-framing negative experiences/emotions and viewing them as an opportunity to grow in compassion and love.


Thank you for linking that, Blonde. It sounded like a description of someone with a strong emotional core.

And for sure, to accept loss/sorrow/rejection, and try to glean something positive from it, we have to have a strong core.

Thanks again.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I feel like ONLY, and I mean ONLY when things are wonderful in my life can, that I can fondly look at the loved and lost scenarios as building blocks. When things are ****, I can't really appreciate the negatives or positives that shaped me to this point.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Vanton68 said:


> I feel like ONLY, and I mean ONLY when things are wonderful in my life can, that I can fondly look at the loved and lost scenarios as building blocks. When things are ****, I can't really appreciate the negatives or positives that shaped me to this point.


I hear you.

There are so many things that I am so glad did not go "my way" at the time. Things I thought I wanted, that now I am so happy I did not get. But I sure could not see that at the time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Heavy thread JLD... 

*Rejection* ...I'm one of those people who don't put myself out there too much unless I feel really comfortable..or feel I have a good chance of getting what I am after.... none of us LIKE rejection.. it hurts, it's like a slap in the face.. I have gotten better with this over the years... meaning -reaching out full well knowing I have a chance of coming back empty handed...just taking more risks ...it's definitely been more of a blessing & has opened some doors... 

One of the best jobs I ever had, I kept going back & asking to speak to the Manager.. I WANTED THAT DARN JOB... I didn't have any pull... and it was hard to get in there, but they eventually hired me.. on the 1 yr review -she told me this is why I got the job, I was persistent , I didn't give up..... a lesson in that... many moons ago.

I tell myself.. this person , or endeavor is worth my time & attention....and put myself out there..if it's a loss.. at least I can say... I TRIED.. this is worth something... 

So long as we have others in our lives, or something to fall back on...it makes it easier...it's a small thing.... not everyone will want to be our friend, include us or want to hire us (whatever the situation)... but it's OK.. the world is BIG and tomorrow is another day...new opportunities await...

Now *LOSS.*...I think of loosing a loved one.. someone REALLY close to us (like a child, our spouse..even a parent -though I am not really close to mine...a good friend)..... I try to not go there in my head too much.... nothing in life is certain, a car accident can take me or half my family the next time we put our seat belts on....it's sobering when you think about it..

Even at my age, I can't say I have ever experienced someone REALLY REALLY close to me dying.. (sure my beloved Grandmother died 25 yrs ago- but at that time she was very old, and in a Personal care home, I was not seeing her often) ..

I took this very well -it's the circle of life.. we expect these things when someone is old...I remember being at peace... happy at her Funeral.. just celebrating the memories...

*Sorrow*..when you know nothing you can say or do can take away the pain of someone hurting.. or just feeling like our world has collapsed.. (maybe due to a loss)...Losses can come in so many ways....it does build something in us -to have more compassion/ empathy for others down that same path... so in this way.. it has it's purpose..

The deepest *sorrow* I've felt in my life.. (I know others have had it so much worse [email protected]#$)..was not being able to conceive...(for almost 7 yrs)... I was Hannah crying out to God...I had such compassion for the barren woman...

I really think today what that experience DID for me.. was to appreciate my children.. to never take them for granted.. I can't help but see fertility as such a gift -it's something so many feel will come easy ...but it's not always so..... 

I hated going through that and honestly I didn't handle it as well as I should have.. looking back -I think I needed spanked! But yet...in this way, I can relate to the anger, the sadness, the emotional, the jealousy that some women go through... even the unruly emotions.. sometimes they need compassion too. Life is just not always fair !


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I know, SA, heavy and painful. But aren't those the things that teach us the most?

When you are as transparent as I am, rejection just follows you around.  I just can't seem to hide anything. People don't like that!

Loss . . . I was thinking of my son when I started this thread. I am so scared to lose him, and yet there is nothing I can do. We hope that the cancer will not come back, but we have no way of knowing, nor for how long. We have to take each day as it comes, try to make it happy for him, and yet keep it real.

Sorrow . . . Who is not well-acquainted with it? Like you said, it gives birth to compassion. 

I am too ashamed to say here every bad thing I have ever done, but it is because of those bad things that I can have compassion for others. I know what it is like to fall, to do stupid things, to be shortsighted. People were forgiving and compassionate to me, so I need to extend the favor.

Thanks for your post.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband was unable to work from about a month before our youngest was born. We were optimistic that he'd return in a month or two... but he didn't. In fact, things got so bad we had to move from Florida, where we were sharing an apartment with his mother and brother ($1600/month for 3 bedroom/2 bath), to Michigan, a couple blocks from my parents ($615/month for 3 bedroom/1 bath). We have been here almost 4 years. Now, at the time, we weren't happy about the financial problems and having to leave. But, if we hadn't, our younger two kids wouldn't have met their Grammie. They wouldn't have had that close relationship that grew over the 3 1/2 years they had with her. For that, I'd go through the hardships all over again. Yea, hindsight is 20/20. But seeing how it all worked together... priceless.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> Have you had an experience with loss or sorrow or rejection that, at least in some way, has turned out to be a blessing to you? How did you come to see it this way?


I'm not sure if this experience counts but it's prevalent in my mind. I have posted snippets about growing up with mother who had depression, my parents splitting-up, dad moving out and not being there emotionally etc. She told me she'd wanted to end her life. I remember the feeling of hurt and devastation that she could even consider this and wasn't equipped to handle what she was going through. I moved out as I knew it wasn't healthy for me and recognized it wasn't for me to fix. 

She recently mentioned those times and it took me by surprise. She apologized for not being there for me during those years. "Hell-hole" years is how she referred to them and said she wasn't mentally balanced. I told her I'd turned out alright and not to worry about it. She laughed and agreed. I expressed that I didn't have the mentors I needed at that age but it was what it was and I've dealt with that. I also recognize it was the depression; that she isn't the depression. As much as I appreciated her wanting to apologize, I didn't need it. Instead I suggested that she forgive herself and that I'm thankful she managed to pull herself through. 

She became quite emotional and said she felt like a weight had been lifted to hear that. I told her it had shaped my life in certain ways. The positive is that I feel I've stepped out and embraced life, tried new things, at times been bold, not wanting to be held back by fear, anxiety or negativity, and that I've chosen some good paths for myself. The way I handled those years also lead to my hobby involved with music - and that's how I met my husband. My life has been pretty grand.

We spoke again a few days later and she admitted that she'd been carrying guilt for years and now feels that she can finally let it go.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld ....I'm absolutely wishing the best outcome for your son's continued health. 

You mentioned hope and that can be a powerful light.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> jld ....I'm absolutely wishing the best outcome for your son's continued health.
> 
> You mentioned hope and that can be a powerful light.


Hey, thanks a lot, hearts. We do just keep hoping for the best, and trying to make every day good.

Thanks a lot for sharing about your mom. I'm so sorry she felt such despair when you were young. I can't imagine how low she must have felt, left on her own like that. And you, knowing things weren't right, but knowing you could not fix them, either. And probably wondering why your mom couldn't be what you needed her to be. 

I'm so glad you were able to forgive her, and to see the things you learned because of what you experienced.

You seem like a really nice person, heartsbeating. I am sure your mother is grateful to you. I think _you_ have been a light to _her._


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jld said:


> These themes seem to come up regularly on TAM, and are a part of all of our lives. While we feel them in our personal relationships, we have probably experienced them in other areas, too, like our work life.
> 
> They are a challenge for all of us. It is natural to feel they visit us unfairly, and to turn away from them as quickly as possible. But they are probably a gift to us.
> 
> ...


Rejections, yes. In my relationships, or in work, the rejections I've faced hurt a lot, but they made me try harder to achieve my goals, and/or rethink my view of life. That's a major blessing in a major way because it allows for change, maturity, and improvement. 

Sorrow comes and goes for many reasons, but lately it's been along with the losses I've faced. I will never see my miscarriages as a blessing. Ever. However, I definitely see the changes in me as opposed to who I was before the first miscarriage. I am a lot stronger than I was before, I have a better understanding of myself and what I want and what I deserve, and my priorities in life have changed. I've learned that life will always be a series of disappointments and triumphs. How I choose to respond to both will determine how great my life can be.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

something happened a few years back where a friend betrayed me and we didn't speak for months, and when she did try to get into contact with me again I felt that I was not ready or willing to let her back into my life. I just kept thinking of the hurt she caused. This went on for over a year, and then a misunderstanding happened with another good friend and boy did she make me pay for it. That rejection from another friend made me suddenly see my previous friend, who had hurt me, with more mercy. I suddenly felt in her shoes. I reached out to that friend that I had rejected for so long, and we were able to repair things. I'm not sure if I ever would have done that had I not been put in a similar situation with a different friend. Luckily things with them both have improved since  I learned the power of forgiveness. Not everyone deserves a second chance, but if that person is humble and open (as well as yourself!) it's amazing the things that can be effectively worked through. I'm grateful to still have these friends in my life, and I'm grateful for the lesson learned. Pain caused me to be humble and forgive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Isn't that how it goes, Adeline? We're mad about something someone has done to us until we find ourselves doing it to someone else. Then we understand.

_Pondering rejection a little more . . . _I am wondering what people's experiences with embracing rejection are.

I think most of us fight it, if only in our minds. We keep trying and trying to make something work, even if we are the only ones trying. We just can't let go.

We might know in our minds that it would be easier and so much healthier for us to let go, but we can't imagine our life without that person or group of people or job or whatever.

Embracing rejection, and learning from it. Have you done it?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

jld said:


> _Pondering rejection a little more . . . _I am wondering what people's experiences with embracing rejection are.
> 
> I think most of us fight it, if only in our minds. We keep trying and trying to make something work, even if we are the only ones trying. We just can't let go.
> 
> ...


Thanks JLD. I needed that today.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

((((Blonde))))

We all struggle with it. It is so hard to let go, even when we know it would be for the best. It is just so painful.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Rejection is quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. It messed with my self esteem and led me into a bad marriage. My first boyfriend in college (I have never actually told anyone this because it still hurts when I think about it) seemed really into me and we had a really intense relationship. During the summer break, he came to my town, about an hour drive, to tell me that he wasn't really into me anymore and he wanted a change. I was devastated. At 20 years old I thought my life was basically pointless. I got depressed, then randomly decided to study abroad which led me to meet my first husband. That was also a bad decision that led me to waste another 7 years of my life trying to fix something that should have never started in the first place.

All of my 20s was basically wasted on people not worth my time. Now while that sounds all bad, every time I get upset about something happening right now, I can look back on where I have been and realize how much more mature I am and that I have all these blessings. My newborn baby boy and much improved second husband are the best things in my life. Maybe if I didn't go through all that in my 20s, I wouldn't really appreciate what I have right now in my 30s.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My grandfather and namesake, master joker and prankster and healthy as a bull till he passed on from Alzheimer's at 80...

His funeral was the first time the entire family got together (different branches were not talking to each other) and turned to become an annual feast in his memory. It brought the family closer together too..


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

iPhone get your act together...


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