# What are the chances ???



## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

What are the chances of meeting someone you really like after divorce, what are the chances of re-marrying, what are the chances of the second marriage surviving (kids involved)?

What ate chances of the happy ever after, is it possible that happiness is not my portion in this life ?


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## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

I would like to second this question. While I am not "officially" divorced, I am merely waiting for the judge's final approval. That being said, I am not trying to date currently because I don't think it would be fair to the new woman.
However, I have spoken with a few women AND one thing keeps hapenning each time: I realize I just don't give a **** about what they are saying. Its like "been here before years ago" and "I'm not really interested in getting to know someone again."
Will this feeling fade???


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think a woman would have to have rocks in her head to date a divorced guy whose ex was a cheater in the hopes of getting married. Trust will take more time to build than either are likely to live.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Bafuna said:


> what are the chances of the second marriage surviving (kids involved)?


70% failure rate when it comes to second marriage, esp when kids are involved. That's an actual statistic. 

As far as meeting someone else. I guess that's random chance. Get out there and have fun and it'll happen I suppose. 

Don't be in such a rush to remarry and just chill out. A watched pot never boils....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

hookares said:


> I think a woman would have to have rocks in her head to date a divorced guy whose ex was a cheater in the hopes of getting married. Trust will take more time to build than either are likely to live.


I met a guy last weekend whose wife cheated on him. He's been separated 3 years from her and said he doesn't want to remarry but is lonely and wouldn't mind dating and getting in a relationship. We hit it off pretty well and he asked me if I'd like to date him. I said "sure". 

A week later, I still haven't heard from him. Oh well. I'm def NOT into chasing anyone but I'll go out and have fun with someone I like. Remarriage? No F'in way!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think the70% divorce rate is for those who never solved the issues within themselves and continue to make the same mistakes (even if it's in the ability to select). 

I feel very confident in a second marriage lasting. Of course I need to find the guy first! LOL Apparently all of the good ones live in Hawaii.:scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think the70% divorce rate is for those who never solved the issues within themselves and continue to make the same mistakes (even if it's in the ability to select).


No, it's about the situation with the kids. Seems remarried couple with kids makes for a bad situation. I'm not surprised. No way would I get remarried but ABSOLUTELY no way would I deal with someone else's kids. My own are enough and they have enough on their plate without me shoving a boyfriend or future husband down their throats.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Apparently all of the good ones live in Hawaii.:scratchhead:


Sounds good. I could go to Hawaii.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I think FOL makes a very good point about kids being a big factor when it comes to second marriages ending in divorce.
So many people do not put in the energy to researching how to blend a family successfully, it is a very difficult thing to do.



> I think the70% divorce rate is for those who never solved the issues within themselves and continue to make the same mistakes (even if it's in the ability to select).


 Is also a very good point. People often just jump into the next relationship without first dealing with the issues that led to their divorce. People struggle to take responsibility for their own actions, what they did that contributed to the marriage ending. We all need to take the blame, it is never a one sided thing.



> What are the chances of meeting someone you really like after divorce,


 The chances are just fine, many people repartner after divorce.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I have two friends who ended up in great second marriages, both of their kids were grown when they found their new partners. I am so looking forward to this happening for me. I liked being married and want to do it again


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey. the Brady Bunch did it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with EnjoliWoman 100%. I believe the real reason 2nd marriages didn't make it is because people didn't fix the problems the first time. 

My sister's 2nd marriage (with kids) failed and it had nothing to do with her kids and everything to do with the fact that she didn't learn anything from the first marriage.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think the chances are awesome if you take your time and fix your problems. Relationships, especially marriages, don't fix anything, they only make existing problems worse.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Who in their right mind would want to?

I am about to be divorced in July, I am 35.

The thought of being touched by a woman makes me feel physically ill. 

The time it takes to find someone, invest your love in them, get married etc takes years.

I am more than OK with being alone. You can't be hurt if you are alone.

Never again. As God is my witness.

The sweet, loving, caring, open minded, gentle woman that I got down on one knee on the tall ship that day and asked her to marry me has long since left the building. Replaced by a cruel, angry, spiteful, dangerous stranger on the street.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I plan on spending my life in my house, with my little dog and little cat and taking care of them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well I am of sound mind and FS and I would seriously consider marriage with my SO. It is 3 years post separation/divorce for me and I am blow away by the depth of love I have for my new partner. I know so much more now, my standards of a partner are higher but more realistic, I have learnt and grown through my past experience with marriage/divorce and my partner has done the same. We have both taken responsibility for our mistakes with past relationships and we have come to our relationship with the right attitude, expectations and the desire to have a happy, healthy and well balanced life.

I hope you change your thinking on this one day, now is way too soon and you are way too raw.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Sadly, some people are unlovable, and I am one of them. 

That's ok.

It's not a pity party. I have too many bad, ugly qualities in me. I am not a good person. I am a bad guy. And believe me, I am a realist.

And any woman who would want to be with me would have rocks in their head.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Forever Sad said:


> I plan on spending my life in my house, with my little dog and little cat and taking care of them.


35 years old and you are ready to jump off a tall building and end it all? :slap: That's pretty sad. 

If you are a bad person and unloveable, then CHANGE it. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself won't help. 

You are hurt and angry and that makes sense but don't take that attitude about your life. There are people lying in hospital beds, sick and dying, who would give anything to trade places with you. Try and keep things in perspective. 

Go out, enjoy life, live each day to the fullest and don't let your prior relationship shut you out of life's pleasure. There's a lot of fun to be had in the next 50+ years that you will probably have ahead of you. A positive attitude helps a lot. 

I wouldn't get remarried not because there's anything wrong with me but simply because I hated being married the first time around so why would I do it again? But if you LIKED it and want to do again then go for it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Hey. the Brady Bunch did it.


Yeah, but Mike and Carol's former spouses died...they were widowed. At least I thought that was what happened. Divorce wasn't considered "acceptable" back in the '70s. 

Did you know that that in _The Mary Tyler Moore_ show Mary was originally supposed to be divorced but they changed it to her being left at the alter instead because divorce was a big NO NO? 

How things have changed.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

35 years is enough. I have had my time.

I pray for the sick, injured and hurt every single night. I pray for my mama, her dog, my little dog and cat, my STBXH, my baby boy, my work colleagues and TAMMERS. I also thank God for everything He has done for me.

The thought of another 30 years on this planet makes me shudder.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, can I have the rest of your time? Because I want to live a lot longer. I've got almost 15 years on you and would give anything to have an extra 15 active years. I have so many plans and dreams that I want to do and am scared that age and sickness will take them away from me. 

For 25 years I was in a crap marriage. For most of that time I was mentally in a place that made me unable to deal with a lot of the stress that life and that marriage put on me. Now, despite my STBXH and the crap he throws at me I'm a fairly happy, well adjusted individual and I look forward to doing some fun stuff before I physically am unable to. I want to go out and do the things I have dreamed about doing, like traveling and pursuing my passions and enjoying my family. 

Or I could sit in my apartment and live out the next 20 years thinking about all the bad things I've done and were done to me and mope around....

.... Nah, I don't think so. 

Don't you have ANY passions besides being a house potato? Ok, if it makes you happy to be a house potato then fine, but don't just give up on life! 

My father died of cancer at age 66. He was in a horrible marriage with my mother and stayed with her for, always thinking that somedays things would be better. 

Now he's dead. All the man wanted to do was retire to Florida and play golf and he never got to to it. A simple dream, but a dream unrealized after a lifetime of hard work and being nagged and scolded by a horrible woman who pisses the money he worked so hard for away. 

So you can't take things for granted. You really should think about getting therapy. You sound seriously depressed.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I think I might be thinking about getting ready now. Getting a plan together.

My son will always be taken care of, whether it be by STBXW by herself, or with her mother or with her future man. I gain comfort from that. He will always have the best, be nurtured and grow up to be a fine man. 

Hs is full of goodness, and a man of prayer. Who he was named after.

I will love and watch over you forever my precious boy. Daddy.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> I think I might be thinking about getting ready now. Getting a plan together.
> 
> My son will always be taken care of, whether it be by STBXW by herself, or with her mother or with her future man. I gain comfort from that. He will always have the best, be nurtured and grow up to be a fine man.
> 
> ...


Knock it off. I mean it. 

You're the only daddy your son will ever have. DO NOT deprive him of that precious gift.

Get the help you need. Work through whatever issues you have. But do not pull the plug on that boy's daddy.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

He doesn't know me, he most likely never well. She left with him when he was 8 weeks old.

She lives 300+ miles away. I see him on Skype. She never tells him that I am his daddy. I tell him on Skype, but that makes her angry. I can sense it.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Problem is, I'll screw it up like I have messed everything up in my life.

I want to be found peaceful with my pets with me. 

If I don't do it right, I'll end up seriously disabled.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> He doesn't know me, he most likely never well. She left with him when he was 8 weeks old.
> 
> She lives 300+ miles away. I see him on Skype. She never tells him that I am his daddy. I tell him on Skype, but that makes her angry. I can sense it.


Screw her and what she thinks. She's not your problem anymore. Be there for your son, in whatever shape or form that may take over the years to come. This is a temporary problem, so don't even consider a permanent "solution". Channel your energy and thoughts into fighting for your son.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

What she wants me to do is pay my son's child support (which I AWAYS do) and go away.

All I am to him is just a stranger that he sees on the screen once a week.


I was saying to my mama, and I truly believe it to be right, that I was born sad, and I'll die sad.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> What she wants me to do is pay my son's child support (which I AWAYS do) and go away.
> 
> All I am to him is just a stranger that he sees on the screen once a week.
> 
> ...


Been there. Done that. Get help from a doctor. It is too big to go through by yourself. You deserve to feel better than you do.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Screw her and what she thinks. She's not your problem anymore. Be there for your son, in whatever shape or form that may take over the years to come. This is a temporary problem, so don't even consider a permanent "solution". Channel your energy and thoughts into fighting for your son.


Daniel - man - this is the situation as it is now and you never know what might be in store for you with your son in the future. Were you ever able to meet with an attorney to discuss your parenting options? These feelings will pass. You need to power through for your son. Have you spoken with your psychiatrist? And remember I'm 43.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Soca,

Thanks, friend. I do need to power through for my baby.

I did meet with a lawyer who said that the only option I have is to move closer, which I am trying to plan on how/where/money/job. My job here is under threat so I am not sure about what will happen in the next 4 months. I may get the boot. Company re-structure. 

I can see my baby boy whenever I like, however it is so difficult to get where they are. It is really remote. We can meet up in our major city, however it costs so much money for me for flights, accomodation and taxis, food, booking pet accomodation, time off work etc. If I had the means I would be there every single weekend without question. 

And we just settled on the house today, we both took a major loss. And I have to rent it back from the new owners tomorrow, more money. 

The psychiatrist made everything a million times worse. The only good thing she did for me was give me Effexor, it has really helped.

I try to think about the future, I really do. I have had a terrible couple of days, absolutely terrible. Had a big fight with my mama last night. I'm not the angry type but I was last night. I guess that over 7 months, I have lost my wife, baby, house, mind and now maybe my job. And I don't want to be a martyr, but during my absolute haze of grief over this time I have had to single handedly deal with banks, lawyers, real estate agents, open house inspections, doctors, pyschiatrists, trying to take care of myself and somehow do my job. 

I'm still trying to tell myself that things will work out.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Dan -

Skype me, now.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

FS - OK so it sounds like you do have the visitation rights as long as you can get there. It sounds like that's very problematic with the logistics/costs but you will be able to maintain a relationship with your son and develop it further once you figure out the ways and means in the future. She's not able to withhold him from you so that's a big plus.

I'm currently going through a company re-structure and before all this I would be freaking out but it's taken a back burner to figuring out what is best for my kids as well. I dragged myself out of bed yesterday and my big accomplishment was a detailed conversation with my attorney regarding the counter-proposal to the custody agreement. I agree with you it's very difficult to focus on all this but do what's needed that day and don't dwell on the future (much easier said than done ). Just one piece at a time and you will get through it.

Did you ever see anybody else besides that prsychaitrist? She sounded so unhealthy for you.

I would give an eye tooth to be 35 and single again


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Forever Sad said:


> I have had a terrible couple of days, absolutely terrible. Had a big fight with my mama last night. I'm not the angry type but I was last night.


Plus the anger has been a huge part of this for me but it is gradually subsiding - actually I feel a big release the last weeks. And I'm talking about shaking with anger. And no I'm not that type either. It will pass.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Dan -
> 
> Skype me, now.


Daniel- if you can Skype with Katy ASAP I think that would be a good idea. Praying for you man!


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