# Is anyone familiar with this?



## gh_david_04 (Apr 6, 2011)

Wife left me a little over a month ago. She was emotionally detached for a long while without saying anything about it. We have had difficulty expressing emotions, etc and she sees a lot of this as my fault b/c of that. No bad things between us (violence, cussing, name calling, none of that). She had a lot of things pent up for a long time and couldn't ever tell me for some reason. I was destroyed when she left but have been getting on with things since somehow. I've been bettering myself by reading, learning, trying, keeping busy, etc. Anyway, she talks on the phone a little to me. She's getting an apartment at some point too. Tells me of a book she's reading Women Who Love Too Much. She was really taken by it and apparently got a daily meditations book with it. I read through it at the bookstore and it seems to be the most anti-marriage book she could be reading. Seems to say that if she believes she's in an unhealthy relationship, the best thing to do is to leave it behind and move on to better yourself, and look for something new in life. I wouldn't view us as being unhealthy, just unable to deal w/ issues that are deep. We're best friends, but she sees her resentment and hostility when I bring anything up. Seems like she's thrown in the towel on us and has a decision made...maybe just is dragging this out to let me down easier? She won't go to counseling w/ me either cause she's gotta find herself first. I think these books got in her head too much and now she's clinging to them b/c she relates her anger to what they say. I hoped she'd be more open to the idea of wanting to work on us and our problems, but it's sounding more every day that she's following bad advice from a couple books. Any thoughts?


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## ac0313 (Feb 12, 2011)

Sounds like your situation is similar to mine, but the roles are reversed. If she will not go to counselling and is getting advice from those books and possibly other people and online sources, you may not have much of a chance to get her back. You most likely need to start planning for life without her, as my wife has had to start doing. I started by moving out, recently filed for a Legal Separation, and will start working on the Divorce Agreement. I took the step of the Legal Separation to hopefully make the transition "easier", as you mentioned she may be doing, but now that I look back, it is no easier for us or our kids.

I wish you happiness in whatever form that may be.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through this. You will need to understand that your wife likely did not feel that you were her best friend; she probably felt and feels that she behaved as your best friend and you were thrilled while she was not getting her needs met. A lot of couples have this dynamic--I'm obviously just guessing here, but maybe this was your marriage. She tried hard to make sure you were happy. When she voiced a want or need, you ignored her or "convinced her" she didn't want/need what she had voiced. She eventually got tired of having her wants/needs not met, or of having to "convince" you if she wanted something, and she decided to leave. 

If this is your situation (aka "Walk Away Wife Syndrome; look it up), then you are simply adding fuel to her fire when you say she is just following bad advice from a couple of books--you are acting as though her experience isn't relevant (and yet, you say she relates her anger to what they say---if she can relate, why is the advice automatically "bad?") It actually makes you sound like you are denigrating her choice and experience--as though she isn't smart enough to see things the way she *should* (which, coincidentally, is the way YOU see them and you want her to see them). In other words, you are invalidating her experience--again. 

If I'm off base, just ignore me. But if there is a shadow of truth you recognize, google "Walk Away Wife" and see if you can find help. Good luck.


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## gh_david_04 (Apr 6, 2011)

sisters359: You're by no means off base on a lot of what you said. I'm familiar with WAW syndrome. Thought it was actually dead on when I first heard about it. She did try hard like you said and your other points are valid as well. But we had patterns of getting stuck - both our faults - that we never knew how to get out of. She likes to control things, I stepped back and let her do those things. We both were passive at times, but just got through like things were ok. That said, we're not the best at talking about issues or emotions. And it piled up in her head till she couldn't take it anymore, but could never talk about things at the time they happened. My concern about the books was just thoughts going through my head...never said it to her. I do see her experience as being relevant, and understand why she's looking where she is. But my frustration lies in the idea that she/we have done nothing to solve the underlying issues between us. Not to see things my way or the 'right way' but to actually put forth an effort to do something about what's kept us emotionally distant for so long. I'm fighting through hell to show her I'm worthy of sharing her love. And she seems to be taking the easy way out: by giving up completely and being on her own. That's where I think the books failed. B/c they gave/are giving a promising immediate solution to things instead of doing anything to work through the issues.

I've got open ears if you can shed more light on this, things I can do, ways to change my thinking, etc. She hasn't cut off from me, and we're still meeting now and again, talking too. I've tried a lot to change who I became and she's noticed that too. thanks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All you can do is give her space.

Are you sure she's not having an affair?


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## gypsygirl (Apr 6, 2011)

I guess it's the old saying which I applied to myself too, if you love something enough then let it go...if it comes back it is truly yours....if it doesn't. then maybe it was never yours in the first place.

much love


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