# Marriage going downhill fast and husband doesnt seem to care



## KimA523 (Aug 16, 2015)

So my husband(23) and I(23) have been married 3 years now and have been together 6 years. We have 2 kids a 3 year old and the youngest will be one next month.I can say there has been little problems since the beginning and I've always trief to be honest about them so bigger problems dont build on top of those. Well he's been saying since the beginning that he would work on those problems. Well still today I have yet to seen any improvements or progress being made. Ive brought up marriage counseling but it doesn't look like that will ever happen and then today we got into another argument about everything and I just feel like there's no hope. I'm not sure if he even loves me anymore and our sex life is bad. Help!!!


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

What type of problems are ya'll having? If you leave it up to him to get into therapy it will never happen. You will have to be proactive. What exactly is wrong with the sex? lack of quality, quantity, love, passion or something else? Good luck sorry you're here


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What are you guys fighting about? Finances, chores sharing, child raising/disciplining differences, drugs/drinking, abuse, infidelity? 

The more you open up, the more that others can chime in with advise/support.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Until we fix this problem, we need to expect every woman to have two marriages:

1 - will be like this one where the wife told her husband until she is "blue in the face" what the problems are, but he will still be blindsided when she leaves. Textbook first marriage.

2 - Second marriage needs to be with a man that has had this happen to him already.

Until we fix this, we need to manage the downside.

PS: Does it MATTER what the problems are? He knows what they are, whatever they are, and will not try to fix them until it is too late. Classic WAW scenario. And I'm the only one, AMAZINGLY, that gets this.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Why did you marry someone you weren't happy with? Your post makes it sound like you were aware of these problems from the beginning but married him anyway. 

You don't marry someone with the expectation that they will change for you.

EDIT-That's probably not helpful at the moment. I would suggest going to counseling, even if you have to go alone. It will help to get a professional's opinion on how to manage your issues.


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## KimA523 (Aug 16, 2015)

So here are my problems with my marriage. And i did marry him thinking he would change for me but all i can say was i was dumb. And we are having money trouble also, he's been out of work for 2 months but today he's starting a new job.
1. When we have sex I ALWAYS have to initiate it. And most of the time it ends up not happening. I'm told basically that I'm annoying him or why do I have to rub so much. To be turned down all the time hurts, it makes me feel like I'm not loved or desired at all, that there's something wrong with me. Then I continue to try thinking maybe I can change his mind and feel even worse when we still dont have sex. And most of the time I do this now is just to see if he wants to have sex with me even when I dont want to.
2. In 6 years he has never once told me I was beautiful, or that I looked nice. It might not seem like a big deal but just from that I think all the time if he thinks I'm beautiful.
3. There is always a problem when I want him to "come here". I just want to lay down and relax with his arms around me sometimes. Or to just cuddle and feel protected and loved. I dont know when the last time we just layed down and played around and talked.
4. I'm not sure if he really loves me. Sometimes I think well of course he loves me or we wouldnt be where we are today. But he never shows me he loves me and after someone just telling you all the time you start to wonder. And most of the time when he says it, to me it doesn't sound like he means it.
5. We never have "us" time. I have been asking for a while when we are going to go on a date or just spend a day with just us and it still hasn't happened. He was suppose to be planning a day/date for us and he still hasnt or when I ask him about it he always turns it into an argument. Even with just calling or texting I have to do it first, its like he's telling me I'm not worth his time.
6. Well this one is not really a huge problem but more of a complaint on my end. We don't really kiss. When we do kiss its just a peck on the lips so to me it doesn't really mean much. I know I might not be the best kisser in the world because I never had much practice but I always imagined you would only do the peck kisses when your in a hurry or werent trying to the whole PDA thing.
7. When we have arguments he always tell me I assume stuff but when I ask you questions and you dont respond what am I suppose tp do? Or I'm told I make everything seem like he is always the problem. Most of the time when we argue its about the samethings I have been telling him since the beginning and I understand it takes time for change but as you keep going through life in your relationship I'm sure theres gonna be other problems but when you ignore the ones ive been telling you about and other ones come along I get where you can see there is a lot of issues just on you.
8. I feel like I'm constantly repeating to him how I feel about the samethings and he doesn't understand or just doesn't care. When I pour my heart out to you about how something is making me feel a type of way I hope that once I'm done you fully understand and I never have to repeat what I say because most of the time I won't stop until you say you understand. And to me if you tell me you understand something that means you can put yourself in my shoes and know exactly how I am feeling.
9. Going off of #1 I don't feel as if he can make me wet anymore. I have been dealing with this for a while now and I'm not sure if it because we started using lube in the beginning for foreplay or if he just doesn't turn me on, or sex has just gotten so predictable and boring. But then again when we use the lube and he's massaging down there sometimes I'm just not into it at all or I dont feel anything like an electric shock. And it worries me that our sex life has gone completely down hill. Then once I finally get there and I'm a little turned on I rarely have an orgasim or if I do I lose it after a few seconds. Or while were having sex or switching positions he loses his erection. So we might have good sex once a month maybe.
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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Well first of all two young kids drains a lot of energy, so it is not unrealistic to be having problems at this stage. In actuality you are probably like most other couples out there if that helps you feel any better. 

Reading your complaints, it kind of sounds like you nag him a lot which can wear and tear on a relationship. Try switching gears and see if you can learn to love and accept your husband just as he is while trying to have fun together and encouraging him more to be sexual. One thing you can try is to hold each other and let him watch you masturbate while you tell him what you like. This will take the performance pressure off of him and them he can show you what he likes and focus just on himself as he jumps on top of you! Combine this with a vibrator and you'll likely have a moment to remember! 

Making love is not necessarily about what you receive from the other person (erotic stimulation that gives you an orgasm), it is about SHARING. So try for a moment to stop thinking give and take, and ask yourself what you can share with him in the bedroom and encourage him to share with you.

Also sex can be way more fun if you each try NOT to have an orgasm and see who fails first at that game! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I know you don't believe me, but he is going to be SHOCKED when you leave him. And you need to. He's not going to change. Not for you anyhow. It will be too late by then. Amazingly everyone is going to give you pages and pages of advice on how to make it better. And I am the ONLY ONE who knows that "shock and awe" will be the ONLY way to get him to listen. 

Therapy? Pl-LEASE!!

And "Shock and Awe" does not include TELLING him anything. You shock by DOING.

This is a CLASSIC post. And nobody gets it. You all try to analyze each one of these classic WAW scenarios like it's the first time you've seen it. How is this possible?


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## KimA523 (Aug 16, 2015)

Its funny that you said about leaving him because my bestfriend told me the samething so the last time we had a big blow up about all of this I packed a bag and stayed with my mom for a few days and that was the only time that I got a real response from him. And he sounded like he really wanted to work on things and told me he wanted me to come home so I came home and he called marriage therapist for an appointment but we had to cancel because he got out of work late and he never gave me a sure date and time that we vould reschedule.
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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
From what I can glean from your post you married a piece of clay with the hopes of sculpting the man of your dreams. As you are discovering this almost never works. The odds are probably better for you to hit the lottery than to change a person who has no real desire to change. He is what you married and expecting him to miraculously change into your prince charming is unrealistic. I regret you being "dumb" (your word not mine) but it does carry a price and you are now being asked to pay up.

If this marriage has any hope of working you must revamp your approach from telling him all that he is doing wrong to leading by example. Also, you must allow him to be himself and accept him for who is, at least in part. The key word here is compromise. If you will settle for nothing less than what you want then I fear you will need to move on and start over. If you do, I suggest that you take your time and find a man that meets your criteria already, with very little change required, since very little is what most people can change.

Lastly, if you scare him with D and force some change it will only be with resentment and resistance that he may feign change but it will not last long term. This is the reality of your situation as I see it. I wish you good fortune.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Until we fix this problem, we need to expect every woman to have two marriages:
> 
> 1 - will be like this one where the wife told her husband until she is "blue in the face" what the problems are, but he will still be blindsided when she leaves. Textbook first marriage.
> 
> ...


As a man, I had a marriage (our first), where I told my wife until I was blue in the face, but she was still blindsided when I left. 

This is not because I was a man or because I was a woman. I do not conclude that women will not learn until this has happened. It is easy to slip into sexism and it is easier to blame the sex of the spouse rather than them or ourselves, but it is a mistake.

Had the OP been male, I suspect you may have wondered what we were not hearing.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Oh no. You are incorrect. I very much notice it the RARE time it is reversed. But the term is "walk-away-wife" for a reason. It's not "walk-away-husband".


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Maybe, he is married to the wrong sex. You are just not doing it for him. Have you ever ask him why he married you? 

Leave while you are young, and have time to create a better life.

You cannot try to change people. It always backfire. They become resentful and start blaming you for all the wrongs of the world. He is who he is. He has no motivation to change, because he is happy with being him. It's you who is unhappy. So you need to change you.

Start working on changing you, so you don't need or depend on him. Then, when you've had enough of him. Pack his bags and ask him to leave.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Oh no. You are incorrect......


You are welcome to your prejudices, but try not to to involve them in others' lives.


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## KimA523 (Aug 16, 2015)

I did think when we first started having sex that he was gay because I never knew of any guy that would EVER turn down sex. And I did ask him before and he said no but I watch him around other guys to see if I notice anything weird but I haven't. I have asked him before why he married me and I think he thought I was just joking because he never really answered me or would say because he loved me and thats it.
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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

KimA523 said:


> So my husband(23) and I(23) have been married 3 years now and have been together 6 years. We have 2 kids a 3 year old and the youngest will be one next month.


Having a marriage and two young kids at age 23 is difficult. Add unemployment to that and it is easy to see why your marriage is struggling. It seems that your husband does not yet have the maturity to deal with these problems and you can't make someone become more mature. In the meantime, he seems to have resentment directed at you. 

If he never acted like he was crazy about you, I guess you and him married because you were expecting your first child. Because you are also only 23, I encourage to you learn to be more independent and to find a way for you to go to some type of college to develop a skill that is in demand.


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## KimA523 (Aug 16, 2015)

We planned on getting married about a year after I found out I was pregnant, and when we found out I was already 5 months and we got married 3 months after I had the baby. I'm currently a CNA but I was suppose to be starting nursing school next year but after recently talking to my husband I'm not sure when I will be able to go to school. Taking care of two small children and a full-time job and school seem impossible on your own.
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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
May I interject, your problems with your H aside, that taking care of your children is not only a full time job but will, hands down, be the most important job you will ever have. At 23 years of age you have time to get your nursing degree and whatever else you want but no degree will be as rewarding as the rearing of two well adjusted members of society.

If you have to do without the "finer things" in life to be with your children, I would encourage you to do so because nothing materially can take the place of parental guidance, discipline and love.

My wife and I agreed early on that she would stay home with our children and we sacrificed to that end. Her nor I regret that decision. I do occasionally regret not being able to be there more but one of us had to work to support the family, although her's was the more difficult task. My children have never voiced any displeasure over not having the best of everything however they have commented positively about Mom always being there when they were small. I know some situations make it impossible but if given the opportunity I encourage you to avail yourself of it.


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

Read the Five Languages of Love and find out what his love language is and focus on that. There is a quiz for both of you.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> You are welcome to your prejudices, but try not to to involve them in others' lives.


Prejudices? He was telling ME what I think. I told him he was wrong, I do NOT think that way. What's your deal anyway?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Prejudices? He was telling ME what I think. I told him he was wrong, I do NOT think that way. What's your deal anyway?


I was skceptial of your assertion that all men are the same and that women are always blameless. Also, I found your assumption that the only reason that others do not agree is because you are a visionary and they are blind a little much.

We can agree to disagree, no problem with that.


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