# He wants to move... I want to stay



## Charlie1316 (Apr 25, 2016)

Just looking for any helpful opinions, my husband wants to move to Australia and I want to stay in Canada... I think. 

We've been married almost 4 years. He's Australian, and our plan was always to move back. It was going to happen right after the wedding, then several delays later here we are- still living in Canada. 

I know he always wanted to move back, and so did I. However... now I am really happy with our house, our dogs, and most importantly my job. My brother and I took over the family business and are running it together, and it is so successful! I actually like my career and enjoy what I do. 

This weekend he sat me down and basically told me within the next few weeks we need to make a decision. It doesn't mean we have to leave tomorrow - but he wants to know that I still want to move. He is working on finishing trade school, so maximum 4 more years. After that we have to leave. He has stayed here for me for over 6 years, and in another 4 that will be 10. I was always ready to move, but now that I'm feeling settled - I'm scared and don't want to leave! I'm scared of having to start over when I feel like I've got so much going on for me here.

I feel like a part of him resents me for keeping him here so long. And I can see myself resenting him for making me make this decision (which seems crazy, because I always told him I'd go). I don't know why I can't talk to him about this, we are so close but I just clam up when the conversation starts. I love him... but it makes me angry hearing him say he'd leave me for his country (whether he actually would or not I don't know... I hope not). 

We are just a normal young couple in love ... but I really don't know how to handle such a life changing decision.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

So you changed your mind after promising otherwise? And you think he should just accept it and not resent you. 

Hope your happy when he leaves.or after years of resentment builds up and then divorce. 

I think it best to just part ways. Do it on good terms. Tell him you understand if he leaves. Give him has half of everything and wish him good health and luck.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like you have to choose between your husband and your career. If you were just working for someone the decision would easier to move but you have your own successful business. Could you start up your own business doing what you do in Canada in Australia? Both countries as nice places to live (so I have heard) so it's not like he wants to move to a developing country. If you want to stay married you are going to have to move with him when he is ready to move.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> So you changed your mind after promising otherwise? And you think he should just accept it and not resent you.
> 
> Hope your happy when he leaves.or after years of resentment builds up and then divorce.
> 
> I think it best to just part ways. Do it on good terms. Tell him you understand if he leaves. Give him has half of everything and wish him good health and luck.


Not so fast!

Why have there been several delays?

Seems the delays may have resulted from the husband's side of things?

He wants to finish trade school, then he wants wifey to be a good girl, leave her brother in the lurch (potentially) with the successful family business.

Whilst husband takes her back to Australia and finds out that his trade school training might not be valid in Australia, so he will not be able to get a job in Australia and might have to attend trade school, again, in order to get work.

OP, why were there delays?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Not so fast!
> 
> Why have there been several delays?
> 
> ...


Lot of conjecture there.

What's successfull? Is she making piles of cash?
Will his green card expire.
And she promised...so I guess never trust her promises again.
If the busnisness is successfully then the brother should be good to go


I prommis to be faithfully...um until I change my mind!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Lot of conjecture there.
> 
> What's successfull? Is she making piles of cash?
> Will his green card expire.
> ...


Conjecture? Not quite. I was raising questions to try to establish exactly what has been happening, why there were delays, etc.

And the Green Card system is only in the USA, not Canada.

This link may offer some info on what he can or can't do
https://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20131008013835AAlVWHy


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Charlie1316 said:


> Just looking for any helpful opinions, my husband wants to move to Australia and I want to stay in Canada... I think.
> 
> We've been married almost 4 years. He's Australian, and our plan was always to move back. It was going to happen right after the wedding, then several delays later here we are- still living in Canada.
> 
> ...


I suspect that if he were to post on here, what you did would be described as bait and switch. 

You got married and intended to move to Australia while getting involved with a new business, new dogs and new house. To me, it sounds like you liked the idea of moving with him to Australia, but you were never serious about the reality. If this is so, then accept that you misled him. I am sorry to be brutal, I do not think you did so in cold blood.


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## Charlie1316 (Apr 25, 2016)

When we talked about moving it was always a 2 or 5 year plan. We bought a house, planned to stay in it, decided to rebuild it, decided to make a life here together while we lived here. 
The first 2 year plan fell through because WE decided to rebuild our house. It was a joint decision and we both decided that we'd push back moving to make as much money as we could. 
The second 2 year plan fell through because my dad died. He owned the company my brother and I are now running together, so the choice to start a joint venture with him wasn't so much a choice at all - it was timing. Unfortunate timing. We are a very close family so after losing my dad there was no way I was going to leave my mom & family. The business just happened naturally, going from employees to running it happened and went very well. Prior to my dad passing I was trying to quit my job with his company so it would habe been easier to leave. I was applying for other jobs when we found out he had cancer. My husband has been very supportive and understanding and didn't want to leave at that point either. To answer another question - no I can't do the same job in Aus, its mechanical contracting for public works, a niche. 
He's at the point where we have everything we need. We're set up- so he is getting antsy... which again I understand. 

When I think of moving I'd prefer it to be in 20 years once I'm done working, made enough money not to have to stress about it over there, and see my nieces and nephews grow up. 

I should also mention his mom, brothers and nieces and nephews all live close to us - so he's not wanting to go for family, just the quality of life in Aus.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You have to answer your own question and solve your own dilemma. Sorry, but taking a straw poll of cyberspace strangers will in no way give you the answer you seek.

Why? Read the title of your thread. HE wants to move. YOU want to stay.

End of story. I've seen this be the death of a marriage. I know. I lived it. I went with hubs. After 4.5 years I was either going to kill myself or crawl out on my hands and knees to get away from the small town in which we lived.

So, it's up to you. Somebody has to compromise. Or not. If not, someone has to walk away from this marriage or hold one HUGE boatload of resentment.

Compromising on certain basic things we hold dear to our hearts never works out. Somebody ends up feeling they got the short end of the deal.

Consider it. Seriously.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Honestly, it sounds stupid to leave an established situation close to both families. What's so great about Australia? It might be great to him, and it so I da like he's been patient.
What's his trade? Does he have a sure thing lined up? It sounds like a gamble to me. Just because Australia is nice, doesn't mean it will be nice if one is penniless. I would think life can be hard anywhere without a good job.
You did say you would move. He has validity in his request.
I say he goes to Australia and if he gets good work, move there while your bro runs the business. You're not indispensable. Just keep your interest on the company in case you want to return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Honestly, it sounds stupid to leave an established situation close to both families. What's so great about Australia? It might be great to him, and it so I da like he's been patient.
> What's his trade? Does he have a sure thing lined up? It sounds like a gamble to me. Just because Australia is nice, doesn't mean it will be nice if one is penniless. I would think life can be hard anywhere without a good job.
> You did say you would move. He has validity in his request.
> I say he goes to Australia and if he gets good work, move there while your bro runs the business. You're not indispensable. Just keep your interest on the company in case you want to return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought his family was down there and that's the reason he wanted to move. You can always move down with him and if you are unhappy then move back to Canada. It sounds like you will always have a job waiting for you. Do you want to have children? If so them being around both sets of families is best for your family.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you visited Australia with him? Maybe start with a visit together before making big, life changing decisions. It might help you to see what he has in mind for your life together there. It might help you look forward to the change instead of being afraid of it.

Maybe you'll surprise yourself and be up for an adventure and intrigued by the possibilities. Maybe you'll get a kick out of experiencing a different place, a different way of life. Maybe getting out of your comfort zone would be exciting and energizing. 

You married this man for a reason - you wanted a life with him wherever it took you. He has stood by you all these years in a place where you feel most comfortable. Can you give him the same number of years in Australia so he can try to live his dream? Your family and your family business will still be there if you want to come back after that.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

What is the draw to Australia for him? Can he achieve that feeling by visiting a few months out of the year while staying based in Canada? Without family members there, or a desire to raise kids there, it seems like you don't need to be there on a permanent basis as much as you do in Canada.

If you can understand that draw, maybe you can come up with a compromise. But otherwise, it sounds like he's given up a lot of dreams because of you and circumstances and done the best to keep busy while he waits for it to become his turn for dreams.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It seems that he has a dream about going back to the Australia of his childhood even though his family lives close by in Canada? 

It is quite possible that his desire to move is a child's fantasy.

And that the result of such a move will not be as magical as he thinks.

Could you and he take an extended holiday of a month or so to Australia?

He might find it nice to visit his childhood memories but not good enough to actually live there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

:iagree:

Yup! He may be remembering his glory days of his youth bathed in the golden light of nostalgia.

Oz is okay I guess, but it ain't all that and a bag of chips.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Compromise and move to Malaysia instead - the food is great. Besides, Australia has the highest number of deadly animals and Canada is just too cold!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you promised that you would go back then I think that you need to give it a go. Agree to go there for 2 years and make a real effort to settle. You can take you dogs with you, and I am sure that you could get a job which is similar enough to what you do now. 

My husband is Australian. He came here to the uk 30 years ago with his first wife who was English as I am. Australians are the nicest people, so easy going and friendly. You may find you love it there. My husbands son, who is English, has moved to Oz and is happily settled there and has met and married a girl he met there. Give it a go for his sake. If you hate it after 2 years then you may need to think again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Compromise and move to Malaysia instead - the food is great. Besides, Australia has the highest number of deadly animals and Canada is just too cold!


 Goodness not a country I would want to live in.:surprise:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Charlie, have you addressed this issue with his family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Goodness not a country I would want to live in.:surprise:


It comes up as one of the countries halfway between Australia and Canada - going the other way you end up in the middle of the North Pacific!


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## Charlie1316 (Apr 25, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> What is the draw to Australia for him? Can he achieve that feeling by visiting a few months out of the year while staying based in Canada? Without family members there, or a desire to raise kids there, it seems like you don't need to be there on a permanent basis as much as you do in Canada.
> 
> If you can understand that draw, maybe you can come up with a compromise. But otherwise, it sounds like he's given up a lot of dreams because of you and circumstances and done the best to keep busy while he waits for it to become his turn for dreams.


I've actually lived there for a year myself before we met, and we've gone back for a month long visit a few years ago, and I was planning another month long trip this winter. That is what sparked the conversation, he said going back just makes him miss it more. He said he'd rather not even go sometimes! Which seems crazy to me... wouldn't you want to visit the place as much as possible? 




MattMatt said:


> It seems that he has a dream about going back to the Australia of his childhood even though his family lives close by in Canada?
> 
> It is quite possible that his desire to move is a child's fantasy.
> 
> ...


I completely agree. I think he's holding onto the memories of growing up there, and wants to go back and for everything to be the same. Maybe they will be - but I really feel like they won't. His friends are all growing up. As I said above we did visit for a month, and we both loved it. You hit the nail on the head - I feel like he's chasing something that might not be there anymore. We have the opportunity to visit once a year, and still have a stable life in Canada. 

I guess that's why I am questioning everything so much now. I know we won't have it as good as we have it here, financially. I've talked to him about that and he doesn't see it that way or care, I'm not even sure. How would you go about discussing this with him without offending him? 



Diana7 said:


> If you promised that you would go back then I think that you need to give it a go. Agree to go there for 2 years and make a real effort to settle. You can take you dogs with you, and I am sure that you could get a job which is similar enough to what you do now.
> 
> My husband is Australian. He came here to the uk 30 years ago with his first wife who was English as I am. Australians are the nicest people, so easy going and friendly. You may find you love it there. My husbands son, who is English, has moved to Oz and is happily settled there and has met and married a girl he met there. Give it a go for his sake. If you hate it after 2 years then you may need to think again.


I'd be down for that, just the cost of it all. We have 2 big dogs, so getting them over would be approx 10K, they have to be quarantined for 1 month $$$. 
I do love it there - I backpacked through Aus for a year after high school and loved it. It's not that, it's leaving what we have made here. I guess if our marriage is on the line you can't really put a dollar value to that... 



MattMatt said:


> Charlie, have you addressed this issue with his family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have not...Maybe I should. He only has brothers so it's hard to talk to them about something like this. His mom is sensible, but she always play neutral so I don't get too much out of her. 

It is a good idea though thank you - I think next time I see her I will make a solid effort to discuss this with her.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm not comfortable imagining his motivations without his input here. We have a few paragraphs to understand years of history between the two of them. As Prodigal said, there is likely to be a lot resentment either way on an issue so important to both of you. You have to get over your fear of communication on this issue. The longer you kick this can down the road the worse it will be. If you're not going to move then he should know so he can decide what he wants to do with the rest of his life. It's time to "woman up" and accept the consequences.


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## Charlie1316 (Apr 25, 2016)

I'm not looking for someone to tell me what decision to make, I'm trying to figure out how to make it. 

We have a great marriage, but I find it very hard to discuss confrontational subjects with him. I want to have a list of question or comments in my head before going into the conversation, at least to explain my issues with the situation. I know he's set on going, but at least if he knows where I'm coming from we can work together rather than making it a fight.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you really think he doesn't understand your issues with moving? Hasn't he been accommodating your reasons for not moving since the wedding? By wanting to (again) put your issues in the forefront, you are asking him (again) to focus on your issues and put his issues aside.

In order to have a productive discussion, your focus might need to be more on what HE is thinking, feeling, planning, and hoping for. Do you understand why he wants to move back and what his plans are? Have you sought to understand HIS issues with staying?


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