# Can’t get over what I lost



## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

When you truly feel as though you let go of her, your one true friend who knew you best, how do you really even get over that? I feel as though I never will. I’m a pretty astute guy, raised 3 kids to teens and in those recent years I found the love of my life. The complications of others, my x, trying to support each other with our own parenting- of course those were challenges. The anxiety became terrible, but what kills me is that it wasn’t her and I that were the issue, I mean everyone has struggles. I let all the other stuff get the best of me. 

How do you go on with such regret? I don’t want to. I want her back. When you know you will regret losing someone for the rest of your days, how do you ever recover? Maybe I don’t want to. As though someone else won’t come with their own stuff and history. How is it even possible to just get over something and someone when maybe you didn’t fight hard to preserve it, and try to find another? Am I kidding myself here?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sometimes it's best to let dead dogs lie, or you would have gone through all the trouble to get divorced.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What were the reasons you divorced? It might be good to start this out by listing those.


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## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

Sorry I should clarify. I was divorced. This was a relationship I was in a couple of years after, for almost 4 years. I wonder how I’ll get over it, and I just don’t see how it’s possible to do it again. I wondered if everyone feels this way. It feels like a choice between being alone forever, or just playing the field. I’m not really wanting to do the latter. It seems like everyone gives up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you provide more details regarding what led to your breakup?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



BornFree said:


> When you truly feel as though you let go of her, your one true friend who knew you best, how do you really even get over that? I feel as though I never will. I’m a pretty astute guy, raised 3 kids to teens and in those recent years I found the love of my life. The complications of others, my x, trying to support each other with our own parenting- of course those were challenges. The anxiety became terrible, but what kills me is that it wasn’t her and I that were the issue, I mean everyone has struggles. I let all the other stuff get the best of me.
> 
> How do you go on with such regret? I don’t want to. I want her back. When you know you will regret losing someone for the rest of your days, how do you ever recover? Maybe I don’t want to. As though someone else won’t come with their own stuff and history. How is it even possible to just get over something and someone when maybe you didn’t fight hard to preserve it, and try to find another? Am I kidding myself here?


The real truth is, you never get over any of your loves. You choose not to love them by not offering them loving actions. You have to create new neural pathways to be able to push the old ones out of the way(new memories replace old). You never forget. You will always have times when you have some questions or sadness. It doesn't have to be soul crushing, though. 

Remember, once you get this far, it is over. What you are remembering is not what would be today. Each love is different, even with the same persons involved. We learn. We grow. We evolve. Nothing can possibly be the same. I don't believe you would want that anyway. Look where it got you?

You just live. You find someone else who is different from the last. That's not hard. We are all different. You love them as you would want loved, and see where it goes. You find those joys in life that only a single person can have. You remember that you have to love yourself in all your imperfection, or you won't be able to love anyone. You look at reality over time and you will see that what you remember is not as accurate as you thought. 

It's likely you miss it because it is familiar, not so much because you cannot love again and find a better love. You accept you cannot change what has been. You forgive yourself, if you need to do that. You learn who you are today. You live today. You live for this moment; this minute; this hour; this day. You notice what is still as good in life as it ever was. The sunrise, a full moon on a clear night that causes you to have a shadow in it's reflected light, the squirrel that hides it's acorns and never seems to come back for them and the birds that always seem to be in a good mood are all still there. They are the same. 

It's your perspective that needs changed. In time, it will. You just need to let yourself live.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



2ntnuf said:


> The real truth is, you never get over any of your loves. You choose not to love them by not offering them loving actions. You have to create new neural pathways to be able to push the old ones out of the way(new memories replace old). You never forget. You will always have times when you have some questions or sadness. It doesn't have to be soul crushing, though.
> 
> Remember, once you get this far, it is over. What you are remembering is not what would be today. Each love is different, even with the same persons involved. We learn. We grow. We evolve. Nothing can possibly be the same. I don't believe you would want that anyway. Look where it got you?
> 
> ...


Damn nice!! I would believe you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



Tilted 1 said:


> Damn nice!! I would believe you.


It's what I live. It comes from the heart. 


However, on a side note, it made me think, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull****". 

Hope that makes you smile, @BornFree. I was serious about what I posted. That is the way I live.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



BornFree said:


> ...
> 
> How do you go on with such regret? I don’t want to. I want her back. When you know you will regret losing someone for the rest of your days, how do you ever recover? Maybe I don’t want to. As though someone else won’t come with their own stuff and history. How is it even possible to just get over something and someone when maybe you didn’t fight hard to preserve it, and try to find another? Am I kidding myself here?


 @BornFree, 

You're going to not believe me, but I'll tell you how. 

You are living in the past. You are no longer in the past, but you are holding onto it. Know how you recover? Look around you today. In the present...now. You see an empty space where she once was. You see something/someone "you want" who is no longer there. You see the past good times and want that person and those good times NOW. 

But I know what I'm talking about. Just about 2 years ago, I lost my Dear Hubby to heart failure, and one day he WAS...the next day he was gone. Of course, there were days when I held onto the past. There were days that I'd look around and see his chair-empty...his side of the bed-empty...all the things we used to do together...and I'd be alone. My head and my heart were in the past. 

Funny thing was...I wasn't. I was living in the present with my mind and heart in the past, longing for a past that was, well PAST. And passed. And I recovered the same way that I'm telling you. I looked around, in the present...now...and I saw that there was still a sunset. I saw flowers still blooming and smelling fragrant. I hear children laughing and cat's meowing. I still tasted good food and enjoyed it. I still got hugs from my own children and my friends. All those things, were in the PRESENT and I realized that joy still existed even though Dear Hubby did not. 

Here's the thing, @BornFree, every single day has both sorrow and joy. Every single day could be your last or my last. You could lose someone or something you love, and in 24 hours your world completely changes. But that is the way of life. It changes. Some changes are like a ripple in a pond...some are more seismic. But every day has both ecstatic joys...and plunging to the depths of your soul sorrows. The way you recover is to just accept that's the way life is, and stop hugging the sorrows. Even if you don't hug them, just notice the joys too. 

Today, my new Beloved Hubby is sitting beside me. We just kissed and it was sweeter than any wine. We are sitting in front of a fireplace. We had an amazing meal because he is a gourmet level chef. And those are the joys. They are GOOD JOYS. He also has a pain from hurting himself, and it hurts pretty bad. We found out an aunt passed away today. I missed a phone call from a friend. Those are the sorrows. They are sad sorrows. But I'm not hugging them. I acknowledge them...and also acknowledge the joys. 

That's how you recover.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



2ntnuf said:


> It's what I live. It comes from the heart.
> 
> 
> However, on a side note, it made me think, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull****".
> ...


I did mean it from my heart.... Damn nice!!


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## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

Thank you for your responses. It’s good to be reminded that moving on can happen. I very much live in the now realizing that life can end or change in a moment. Perhaps this is why I struggle with what I had now being gone. I’m sure it ended for the wrong reasons and should not have, this is my struggle. Maybe I need more time to just feel that. Hope and humor is what I hang on to. Thank you for sharing your own story of loss, I am sorry. It sounds like even in the depths of pain, the universe can have wonderful things waiting for you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



BornFree said:


> Thank you for your responses. It’s good to be reminded that moving on can happen. I very much live in the now realizing that life can end or change in a moment. Perhaps this is why I struggle with what I had now being gone. I’m sure it ended for the wrong reasons and should not have, this is my struggle. Maybe I need more time to just feel that. Hope and humor is what I hang on to. Thank you for sharing your own story of loss, I am sorry. It sounds like even in the depths of pain, the universe can have wonderful things waiting for you.


You know, you have not really laid out what happened in the relationship... You just talk about the feeling and all the other issues that were around the relationship. 

I find that odd. It is almost like you don't want to talk about how you reacted to the events surrounding the two of you. 

Because, if you were a boob about what was going on, or you had severe anxiety that you were unable to control, or she did or both... All of that can wreck a relationship. 

I am not say either of you did that, what I am saying is, something was not handled right by somebody, or you two would still be together. So it behooves you to actually figure what happened. If it was you then how can you fix that? If it was her then how do you avoid that 'type" or deal with that "type". 

See what is even worse than breaking up, is not learning from it. That is just stupid, don't you think???


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## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

Not sure how to respond this comment, seems kind of harsh. I tried to explain my situation.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

BornFree said:


> Not sure how to respond this comment, seems kind of harsh. I tried to explain my situation.


You haven't really told anything. What specifics happened.

You said you broke up for the wrong reasons. Does that mean you think her reasons were wrong?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



BornFree said:


> Not sure how to respond this comment, seems kind of harsh. I tried to explain my situation.


You gave no details about what is going on. 

I don't really see how it is harsh, I was asking for real information and gave some scenarios. I never said they were what you are doing. 

If you actually wanted some advice then we have to be able to understand what is going on. 

Maybe you really don't want any advice or comments, so I guess that is OK?

You really said nothing about what went on in the relationship that you "wanted back". Yeah, some vague outside pressures were alluded to but not described...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*



BornFree said:


> ... Perhaps this is why I struggle with *what I had now being gone. * I’m sure it ended for the wrong reasons and should not have, this is my struggle.


0 And here's what I'm saying. You are holding onto, embracing, attempting to keep "what you had" and that is the past. You are not in the past. You are here, now, today. Here, now, today, you are where you are...single. Very few things happen "for the wrong reasons." They actually do occur and even if the reason is painful, the reason exists and is legitimate. 

Let me give you an example that I am purely 100% making up. You mentioned that some struggle with the Ex (supporting each other with parenting or something) came between you and GF. So I'm going to make up a scenario. Your ex kept asking you to do something "for the kids" and you'd do it...she'd ask and you'd do it...and finally one time she asked and out of habit you did it and it somehow interfered with GF. Then it interfered more than once. Then GF felt less important and now the complications of co-parenting are killing the current relationship. 

So you would say "that shouldn't have happened" and "we broke up for the wrong reasons" meaning that GF let it get under her skin that you were helping Ex. But I'm saying that it should have happened, so that you could learn that when dating, you can not cater to your ex. Your ex is an EX for a reason--they fired you from the job of "taking care of them" and now they are to be as important to you as the teller at the bank. Yes, be civil, but nope, do not try to cater to the ex. I'm saying you broke up for the right reasons, because you have thought it over and have chosen to carry out your life XYZ way...and GF thought it over and has chosen that she does not care to live her life XYZ way. Thus you two are not compatible. 

Now that doesn't mean she didn't have many fine qualities which you will miss. That just means that on a fundamental level, you two were mismatched in at least one "deal-breaker" way. 



> ... It sounds like even in the depths of pain, the universe can have wonderful things waiting for you.


The universe has some wonderful things waiting for YOU too. "If you only knew what the future holds--after a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe the reason why this door has closed is so you can open one that leads you to a perfect road." Those are actually lyrics from one of my favorite songs, but I do actually believe that too. Just because a door closed doesn't mean it will never happen--it just means WITH THIS ONE THING it's not happening. In this one instance, it's a no. If you hold onto a "no" you might miss a "yes"! 

So think of it like Thomas Edison. He tried more than 1000 times to make a lightbulb light, and 999 times he failed. He could have held onto "that one should have worked!" but instead he didn't. He accepted "that one doesn't work" and went on to another. He learned from it, made an adjustment, and tried again. Learn from this. Adjust yourself. Try again if you so choose. Open the next door. Look for the rainbow that is coming.


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## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

Thank you. In all fairness to my GF, she rocked and really did tolerate so much. She also gave so much. I guess I was torn knowing the burden of this wretched x wife of mine, who will still exert some control over my personal life for a little longer, and wondering if this amazing human would have enough, funny thing, she never did or *****ed. Nor did she make threats to leave. It was me who did that and struggled, now own internal demons I guess. I did do my best to separate from that old nonsense. My kids are almost gone, and when they are, I will truly be free. I don’t think my story is special, I know many struggle with this. I don’t think I was strong enough, and my GF deserved more. So it continues to pain me, but I will keep going. I hope she does, and forgives me. It is a shame, a damn shame.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like you allowed your ex wife to interfere in your life, HUGE mistake. She should have never been allowed that kind of power. I hope you have cut her out of your life after all this. 

I am struggling with the same, the loss of my best friend. I broke up with him because I could see we had no real future together, and our relationship just didnt really work. But he was my best friend and I really miss him, we did everything together for five years. There is a huge hole in my life. We have been talking some, which I enjoy since I miss him, but I need to stop the contact so that we both dont remain stuck. I am sad and wish I could just shut off my feelings so that I can move on. I guess we need to follow the advice given here to focus on what IS and not was is PAST.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

BornFree said:


> Thank you. In all fairness to my GF, she rocked and really did tolerate so much. She also gave so much. I guess I was torn knowing the burden of this wretched x wife of mine, who will still exert some control over my personal life for a little longer, and wondering if this amazing human would have enough, funny thing, she never did or *****ed. Nor did she make threats to leave. It was me who did that and struggled, now own internal demons I guess. I did do my best to separate from that old nonsense. My kids are almost gone, and when they are, I will truly be free. I don’t think my story is special, I know many struggle with this. I don’t think I was strong enough, and my GF deserved more. So it continues to pain me, but I will keep going. I hope she does, and forgives me. It is a shame, a damn shame.


Sometimes when you blow it, you don't get another chance. And she doesn't owe you one.

Honestly, I think you would be wise to back off and move on. If you are pushing her the way I sense you are, you may end up crossing some lines.


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## BornFree (May 12, 2018)

I feel what you are saying. I guess I was just expressing here, my sadness about the loss of something that was really good, it really was. I use to watch others try to navigate life after divorce and all that goes along with it, I was overwhelmed for them. It really is the stuff around us that can ruin and end a great thing, and I guess I was not strong enough to figure out how to make it all work. No excuses, I just have regret. This is me being honest. Thank you for your encouragement. I mean that.
Kudos to others who keep the x’s out of their lives, I really did try. I am trying to learn from it all.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The bottom line is you chose your ex over your girlfriend?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*Re: Can’t get over what I lost*

Just like the death of a relative, the loss of a close emotional relationship requires a grieving process to get over. There are a number of steps to work through to reach acceptance. The more one things of the loss of a girlfriend, wife, lover as the equivalent to getting over the death of someone, the more you will prepare yourself for going through the classic stages that result in acceptance. To reach acceptance will take time, often 6 months to a couple years.

If the OP has problems he would probably benefit from some individual counseling with an IC who has lots of grief acceptance training.

Good luck.


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