# Logical Spouse Verses Emotional Spouse



## destinyusa

Are there any women who are married to men who are very logical, lacking balance in their lives? Do logical men lack empathy?


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## Myopia1964

Be wary of a man who insists that he's logical (i.e., good) and you're emotional (i.e., bad). My ex is a lawyer, and he always insisted that he was right and "logical," and yet his logic was frequently twisted to suit his own perspective. If you really examined his "logical" statements, they were often flawed. So, my answer is...yes, sometimes men who claim to be logical (as as way of asserting his position and shutting down communication) DO lack empathy. They can only see their own perspective.


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## Mom6547

I don't see ANY reason for reasoned thinking in men or women to be at odds with empathy. I would guess a self described logical person would be particularly interested in right fighting and thus would seem quite lacking in empathy.


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## greeneyeddolphin

My boyfriend is very logical, while I am more emotional. But he doesn't lack empathy. He has just figured out how to calm his emotions down so he can look at a situation for the facts instead of what the emotions can twist the facts into. He will always listen to my side in a disagreement, even if I am emotional. He never tells me that I'm wrong for feeling anything, and can usually understand why I feel the way I do. 

And he does at times feel an emotion strongly enough that the logical aspect shuts down for a while. 

If you're with someone who says they are logical, and you really feel that he has no empathy, and/or no emotions in general, I would consider that he's not so much logical as a...crap, I can't remember, I think it's a sociopath? There's sociopaths and pyschopaths, and one of them is a person who has no emotions and is extremely skilled at manipulating people.


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## reachingshore

There are people who are capable of empathy and there are people who are not. I hope I am not going to be sexist if I say that men and women perceive same things differently sometimes  

My husband may not understand why I feel the way I feel or why I react the way I react. If there is bad blood between us he will insist I am illogical and thus he will stick to his position. At that point I just tell him that emotions are by definition illogical so stick it. When we are OK, I think sometimes he just allows me to have my proverbial way. Regardless, most of the time I spend time trying to figure out different ways of attempting to explain my position to him. He spends time listening to me :rofl:

If a person is an a$$, they can try to brainwash you by claiming you imagine/make up things and are being illogical as in wrong. That doesn't mean they are overtly logical or lacking empathy. They are just a$$es.

I don't understand what "right fighting" means. Is it about the proper conduct of a fight? How a fight should be properly handled? I think during a conflict emotions are prone to be everywhere. Conflict means there is a problem, and a problem requires a solution. In a conflict emotions are unavoidable and counterproductive. Finding a solution requires two more or less clear heads. A self proclaimed logical person would strive to avoid counterproductive emotions in order to find a solution to a problem.


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## michzz

I have a different spin on this.

More like the difference between logical or rational thought and magical or irrational thinking.

A logical or rational person can be empathetic to others. Not mutually exclusive ways of thinking.

A person indulging in irrational or magical thinking can be empathetic to others. also not mutually exclusive ways of thinking.

However, it is very frustrating for a rational or logical person to try to resolve issues with a spouse who can be dismissive of rational or logical expressions based on "feelings" or they had a dream about it, etc.

And I am sure it is frustrating for an irrational or magical thinking to try to explain their reasons or even to prove them.


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## Mom6547

michzz said:


> However, it is very frustrating for a rational or logical person to try to resolve issues with a spouse who can be dismissive of rational or logical expressions based on "feelings" or they had a dream about it, etc.


It makes me INSANE. Very, very frustrating. But the best day in my marriage was the day I realized that he had as much right to make decisions based on feelings as I did based on reason.



> And I am sure it is frustrating for an irrational or magical thinking to try to explain their reasons or even to prove them.


I think if you have to prove anything to your spouse, you are already so hosed.


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## Affaircare

destinyusa said:


> Are there any women who are married to men who are very logical, lacking balance in their lives? Do logical men lack empathy?


I think this is probably one of the biggest misunderstandings and myths that is promoted, and for some reason it is SOOO difficult to teach people otherwise! 

I don't believe people who are "logical" are bad or evil or twisted or lack empathy...anymore than people who are "emotional" are bad or evil or histrionic. What happens here, I believe, is a Jungian personality difference, and if one person is a large percentage of one personality, they do not naturally understand (or "get") the other kind of personality at all. Thus, a person who is 90% on the Feeler side and makes most/many of their decisions based on how they "feel" will only have about 10% of themselves that kind of understands how their Thinker partner acts, thinks or feels! Likewise a person who is 90% Thinker and makes most/many of their decisions after analyzing, investigating and evaluating will only have about 10% "understanding" toward their Feeler partner. 

And yep--Thinkers are statistically moreso men, but it's not restricted to men. I know many women who are Thinker women and they're probably the lady you know who "is one of the guys"...because of her personality! Likewise I know many Feeler men, and they are probably the guy who is the "nice guy" and is so romantic and your friend doesn't even realize how lucky she is...and it's because of his personality! 

So rather than thinking that Thinkers are cold-hearted or emotionless, which carries connotations of "right" and "wrong", think of that kind of personality as EQUAL TO but different than your own. For example, Thinkers are EXCELLENT at weighing all the options and selecting a car with the best quality at the best financing! As a Feeler, your skill might be the care and nurturing of the children, or monitoring the intimacy between you two--as a Thinker, his skill might be to establish household guidelines, research home prices, or creating a pattern by which to do routine tasks (like making a chore chart for the children). BOTH ways of living are valuable, and both ways are right. It is not "more right" to be a Feeler, and Thinkers are not emotionless--they just evaluate their feelings, and if there's no point in expressing them, they may decide not to express it. 

To learn more about Thinkers and Feelers, here is a page about the Four Personality Preferences. Alsok here's one more pretty good article at YourTango "In Relationships, Are You A Thinker Or A Feeler?" that helps explain the differences between Thinker and Feeler. To take a test and find out which one you are, you can go to our Quizzes Page, and click on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test icon. 

In summary, I would say take heart a little. It's not that he's heartless...his personality is just different than yours. If you take the time to learn about it, I bet you'll find some ways to understand and might even be able to entice him by asking him to analyze the validity of this test.


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## destinyusa

Myopia, Thank you for your input. Actually, my husband doesn't insist he is logical. I have observed this on my own. Wow, your words explains exactly what I am dealing with. My husband is a professional also and he always have the need to be right. It puts a strain on our communication when he can only see one view point which is his. He gets upset when I see another viewpoint.


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## destinyusa

mich, I understand what you mean, but that does not explain my situation. It's a good thing to be logical, but a spouse should have balance with it, and show empathy for his wife also to maintain a healthy relationship. The logical spouse should be able to show affection when needed.


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## Myopia1964

Destiny,

So, is your husband a lawyer? I have read that certain types of personalities self-select into that profession and then traits such as defensiveness and argumentativeness are reinforced by their training (sorry if I'm insulting you lawyers out there!). 

My BF had such a strong need to be right all the time, and if I disagreed with him it often caused problems. Had nothing to do with logic, just his need to be right, and that need often manifested itself in criticism of me. One time we saw a movie that he liked and I didn't. When I expressed my dislike of the movie in a normal way, he said, "why do you have to be so militant?!" and then sulked all evening. I usually kept my mouth shut or just agreed with him on most things, but if there were differences, he would use the same kind of nonsense about me being illogical or irrational (translate..."not in agreement with him").


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## reachingshore

Actually, destinyusa, I think your problem is something different than logical vs emotional.

Being logical doesn't exclude being open to hearing out another Point of View, which is something entirely different to being empathic.

You wrote "he needs to be right" and "he gets upset when I see another viewpoint". He seems to be unable to accept that you may have a different opinion to his own and that you do not concede to his PoV. Such people would actually be capable of pushing their PoV under disguise of them being the logical ones and thus the ones in the right. It's good that your husband doesn't insist on that.


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## Conrad

reachingshore,

I can tell you about "right fighting".

Of course, most people think they are "right" unless they are trying to hide something.

Yet, there are different ways to view things.

In 2nd marriages, children are often a source of conflict.

My wife and I constantly search for middle ground, but - sometimes - we simply have to agree to disagree.

"Right fighting" involves going past that point.

It's no longer "different views", but one makes an effort to "prove the other wrong". And, quite often, the heavy artillery gets activated. Speculation about "motive" and gunnysacking about the past.

Willard Harley very clearly states... once a difference of opinion devolves into "right fighting", it's a de facto disrespectful judgement.

You have no idea how those words convicted me.


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## reachingshore

Myopia1964 said:


> My BF had such a strong need to be right all the time, and if I disagreed with him it often caused problems. Had nothing to do with logic, just his need to be right, and that need often manifested itself in criticism of me. One time we saw a movie that he liked and I didn't. When I expressed my dislike of the movie in a normal way, he said, "why do you have to be so militant?!" and then sulked all evening. I usually kept my mouth shut or just agreed with him on most things, but if there were differences, he would use the same kind of nonsense about me being illogical or irrational (translate..."not in agreement with him").


Totally the thing I just wrote about.

Any person is entitled to their own opinion.


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## destinyusa

Affair Care, I don't believe logical people are bad or evil either. I don't believe my husband is heartless, but logical spouses need to work on expressing empathy for the sake of the marriage. Thank you very much for the links. I have read one of the links you have given before I joined this site. I understand the difference between thinker and feeler.


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## reachingshore

Conrad said:


> reachingshore,
> 
> I can tell you about "right fighting".
> 
> Of course, most people think they are "right" unless they are trying to hide something.
> 
> Yet, there are different ways to view things.
> 
> In 2nd marriages, children are often a source of conflict.
> 
> My wife and I constantly search for middle ground, but - sometimes - we simply have to agree to disagree.
> 
> "Right fighting" involves going past that point.
> 
> It's no longer "different views", but one makes an effort to "prove the other wrong". And, quite often, the heavy artillery gets activated. Speculation about "motive" and gunnysacking about the past.
> 
> Willard Harley very clearly states... once a difference of opinion devolves into "right fighting", it's a de facto disrespectful judgement.
> 
> You have no idea how those words convicted me.


Thanks for explaining Conrad 

So "right fighting" is about winning an argument just for the sake of winning it. It has nothing to do with solving a problem that caused the conflict in the first place.

My husband is all about logic. I can tell you he never tried to disguise his need to prove himself superior or something like that under the veil of "I am logical and you are not". If he had done that I would tell him that he either tried to be manipulative/brainwash me to get his way (a$$) or that he had a very low self esteem and needed constant validation from me (my personal opinion being irrelevant to him and in that scenario I would feel I simply have no way of being myself with him).


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## destinyusa

reachingshore, Thank you for your advice. My husband is indeed a logical person but he also refuse to see my viewpoint.


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## destinyusa

atruckersgirl, Very good that your boyfriend is logical and does not lack empathy, and he is able to put himself in your shoes. He has learned the technique of balance for the sake of the relationship. Thanks for your reply.


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## destinyusa

Myopia, I can tell you he is not a lawyer, but I rather not say his profession on this site by using caution. I will not speak for everyone, but he is not very affectionate at all, and that is something I need as a woman.


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## reachingshore

destinyusa said:


> reachingshore, Thank you for your advice. My husband is indeed a logical person but he also refuse to see my viewpoint.


There is a difference between "seeing the other person's viewpoint" and "acknowledging the other person's right to their own viewpoint".


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