# Co-parenting with my kids and GF



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry this is so long....
I am a divorced father of 2 kids (14D & 10S) who live with me during the school year and with their mom (who lives in another state) in the summer.

I've been dating a great woman who also has 2 girls who are each 1yr younger than mine. They get along great the majority of the time. We're not married but we spend a lot of time together that it could be seen as a "blended family". 

I ran into an issue yesterday that I'm afraid I've made worse. My GF does not like that my son can be rude or argumentative with her at times (especially if I'm not within ear shot). And I replied that my son is responsible for his actions. However, I then made the comment that it's very possible that he's acting that way towards her because her youngest daughter (9yrs old) is disrespectful and argumentative the majority of the time with her mom in front of him. Yup, oops on my part.

I have always stayed out of my GFs parenting skills and she does address the rude behavior of her daughter, but I feel lacks anything else, like consistency or follow through. Telling your kid that you don't appreciate the way they're talking to you and yet still allow them to continue to berate you and be rude in the same conversation does not solve the problem.

Anyways, so I made the mistake for brining it up at the wrong time. Her issue with her daughter should have been brought up at another time. At the time I just felt my son's behavior came from a place of watching her daughter treat her with no respect; there was a connection there. And in the same breadth, telling my GF that despite the lack of respect coming from her daughter does not excuse my son from doing the same towards her.
In hindsight, I know I became too defensive for my kid and came up with a mixed response. She now feels the two of us have different morals/ parenting styles for our kids which to a lesser degree is true.

Also, she tends to yell/argue with her kids where I tend to address the issue either at the moment with a calm, yet stern voice or if they are furious/angry for whatever reason, I let them cool off in another room before sitting down and talking to them about their behavior. She takes it that I sometimes condone their behavior because I don't address it immediately like she always does. And that I'm ok with the rude or disrespectful responses.

However, I refuse to let my son talk to me disrespectfully and I also do not want him talking to her disrespectfully. I spoke to my son last night about his behavior before bed. It's always a great time to talk to my son uninterrupted and he's a great listener at that time.

But this morning, my GF feels upset by what I said about her parenting skills and wants to take a step back in the blended/ co-parenting dynamic.

Does anyone have any recommendations on how to co-parent in this type of relationship where we are not married and coming off of divorces?
(mine was 4 years ago by the way, hers is almost 2 yrs).

Thanks!


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Hello Houstondad-

My husband and I have been married for over 3 yrs. He has adult children, but I have two kids at similar ages to yours. I am still working on not being defensive/offended/hurt when my husband tells me negative things/opinions/insights about my kids. I get a very visceral "momma bear" reaction to his comments/words. 

Even though you may feel your son is responding to how her daughter acts, I understand that you would not accept this from him regardless. 

You did what you need to do as a parent with your son, letting him know how to be respectful to other adults. I would recommend that you be honest with your GF. Apologize for being defensive instead of hearing her concern. 

With regard to the overall differences in parenting....ugh, that's a tough one... it tends to go through a lot of iterations before certain methods are agreed upon.If you and your GF are looking to make this long-term, then you both need to commit to communicate often. Each parenting moment big and small can be discussed.

I still have the protective mode with my parenting at times but am working hard to be a partner with my husband and he with me. It does take a concerted effort.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

@Houstondad, how long have you been with your GF? and how long have you lived together? How are things going?


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