# I don't like our sex life!



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Attention, this could be a bit long... . 
I'd be thankful if you'd keep on reading though and give some advice or just tell your opinion. 

We're both in our (very) late 20's. Married for 15 months. Together for 3 years. Half of this time was fighting a big distance between us. (He left his home town to live with me.) 
The rest was filled with good times and also bad times, as for people who we thought to be friends backstabbed us a lot, which almost lead to us breaking up. Once again, we got through it and here we are still together. 
We are both in a job situation, which could be better. Trying to establish an own little company, making some money where we can, living okay from it, but not having a stable 9am - 5pm day job with a stable big income. 
We see each other all the time. And yet I feel like we don't know each other too well and don't really spend enough of this so called "quality time" together, even though we do sit together a lot, watch movies together and so on. It's nice to be together so much, but sometimes of course it's challenging. When we don't see each other for some hours though, we do miss each other a lot.
Our life became pretty boring... we live in a boring small town at the moment. There is literally nothing to do here. We want to move away in some months, but that's still just a plan in our heads. We lost pretty much all our friends due to the backstabbing and intrigues against us and also because we both changed towns to be able to live together. 
In those past months there was a lot of stress for both of us... sickness, money, bureaucracy, even getting robbed. Every time when we thought now we can relax and concentrate on the good again something new happened. As if we're a magnet for such things. 

As for our sex life: of course this all affected us a lot. 
In the beginning we had a good healthy sex life. Lots of action. Every day at least something.  Now we barely french kiss. We do cuddle and smooch a lot, but when he occasionally puts his tongue into my mouth I am so surprised that I can't even really react to it with kissing back. We are more of the spontaneous sex kind. But lately I can count on one hand the times we have sex per month. I think even in the whole 2014 it's not been more than two hands full, if at all. I don't know what keeps us from it. From a physical point we both do want/need it. He said often to me, if I want him, I should just take him. I asked him if it is ok when I touch his privates whenever I want to and he said sure it is. And still, I feel too shy or as if he would not really want me to. So I don't touch him that much. I don't give him blow jobs anymore. I don't just take off his clothes. I am losing the wish to do all that even. I am losing this irresistible attraction towards him. There's no spark. No animalistic "I need you now!" anymore. Just a daily routine of a boring life with not much motivation. We both stopped working out together. We are so lazy now. We stay at home, stare into our phones or on the computer screen and wait for things to become better. I hate it!
I want fun and happiness. Motivation. Love. Lust. I want to live like bunnies. I want to want to do it with him all the time. I want him to feel the same way! I want to be sexy and kinky and I want to feel this uncontrollable attraction for him again. I want to feel the electricity when we touch. I want him to need me. I want that he longs to touch me. How do I get that (back)???


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

He may need you to show desire for him. I love it when a woman takes initiative. But I do understand that it can't be all on you and that you need it from him also. Talk to him. Tell him that as a woman you need him to take charge sometimes. To show his lust for you. But you need to do the same for him. This may not be the case at all, but having a partner who NEVER shows her desire by initiating is a boner killer.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I think the relationship is maturing. It is time now to decide how you want the rest of the relationship to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Sometimes, when I feel the need for it, I just take care of myself. He does not know about that. Also, he said he does not do that himself, because he is married, if he wants sex he can have it with me. Nevertheless, I saw in his phone data, that he looked at some porn site. So it seems, he did take care of himself, too. But why not just come to me?! Sometimes he initiates. Physically we are very touchy when we cuddle or joke around but then in bed, when it should "get serious" it doesn't. He is not a big fan of foreplay, that's for him "something you do much when you are younger". So when we have sex it's more of the quickie kind and I am a little bit bored by that. He said also that I don't have much fun in bed it seems to him and I don't do/take what I want to get that. But to be honest, that is so difficult when it seems like your partner is not head over heels for you anymore. He says he finds me very sexy and attractive. He loves me and wants (only) me. But I don't really feel that and that makes it so boring for me maybe. 
How can I show total lust and desire for someone who doesn't seem to enjoy me? So it seems at least. Even if he says it's absolutely the opposite, I just don't feel/see it. 

In those past months with all this stress we both were not so much in the mood for "super sex". I can understand him there, because it was the same for me... stress is just a killer. So is sickness. He has some chronic sickness which just makes him feel not so good now and then (but it's not too serious), which again can be kind of annoying for me. Sure I support him, take care of him and understand when he feels bad, but it is so difficult to make it about him almost all the time. I feel sometimes as if I am the man in our relationship. I really miss that feeling of being "that young beautiful girl, who is wanted and desired, who gets pampered and adored", if you know what I mean. 

So it seems to be again ME who has to take charge and take care of things now?!? ... okay. How do I do that? How do I show that desire? How do I shape this relationship (back) into what I want for us?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

If you're already doing it or if you were doing it and he still shut down, then I don't know. I'm just saying IF you stopped or never did show desire for him, that may be what's going on with him. 

He could also be setteling into his normal sexual rhythm and there's not much you can do about that. Sex settles down a bit as the relationship progresses, do you think that's what you're seeing? 

He sounds like he is just comfortable now and doesn't want to put alot of effort in. And he's probable having sex as frequently as he want's it. So it's not a problem for him. Any chance he's getting his relief somewhere else?


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

No, he's not getting his relief somewhere else. Unless he masturbates in the shower now and then but even that should just be the icing on the cake (=me  ). 

Yes, I do think he is just comfortable now. Around the house I do mainly everything. He does his "man job" whenever something needs to be built or repaired. He does not have to catch me anymore also, now that we are married (ah I do miss those times though, when he still tried to impress me and "make me his"...). 

It feels so boring now.  

How do I show that desire for him? How do I show it so that he, as a man, feels all happy and aroused by it?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Well for me, I love it when my GF grabs my crotch in public. When she does sexual things with food (deepthroating fruit by the foot for example). When she gives me doe eyes. But, I think I'm pretty HD and was in a sexless marriage for a long time. So I appreciate every thing she does to make me feel wanted. 

Do you think he just has a lower sex drive than you? People who don't want it that much will still proclaim their attraction for you. But it never really culminates in them actually showing their desire.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

You can also be less direct if public displays are too much. Like the doe eyes, peeking in on him in the shower, saying things that have a sexual interpretation and a literal interperetation. If he is higher drive he will pick up on these things, if not he probobaly won't or at least won't acknowledge them. If his drive is low and it's not medical, there's not a lot you can do.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sounds to me like he's gotten too comfortable and lazy. The concept that foreplay is only for the young is ludicrous. If he wants to keep you (his spouse) interested in sex it has to be more than 'wham bam thank you maam'. 

Maybe you need to make sex more of a challenge for him again. Not in denying him outright but in denying him satisfaction until he's satisfied you. Hopefully once it's more of a challenge he'll be more interested.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

He sounds very boring and LD. You are also too shy about initiating sex and getting the things that you need. 

You two are young -go play and explore.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sounds to me like he's gotten too comfortable and lazy. The concept that foreplay is only for the young is ludicrous. If he wants to keep you (his spouse) interested in sex it has to be more than 'wham bam thank you maam'.
> 
> Maybe you need to make sex more of a challenge for him again. Not in denying him outright but in denying him satisfaction until he's satisfied you. Hopefully once it's more of a challenge he'll be more interested.


QFT. I'm going to be 40 years old and I LOVE foreplay. I LOVE to explore every part of my wife's body. I LOVE seeing her get excited by my touch. That drives me wild. I'll also disclose that I'm very much HD, so this may be an issue with your H not having a big sex drive.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sex is a two way street though, really steamy sex requires each person to do their part. 

It seems like you have been trying to do your part but instead of building on to that he has been putting the brakes on which then makes it very hard for you to escalate. 

You need to get him away from these silly ideas that foreplay and new things are for kids.


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

I think if I would deep throat with food we would both just laugh our butts off.  It's very cute to read that and how it works for you, though.  
I do grab his crotch in public sometimes or his ass. But here where we live now it has become more boring, more playful and less sexual, because it's a small town where everybody kind of knows everybody... another reason maybe. In the very beginning, we lived in a big city for a month, there was even blow jobs in public involved (secretly of course) and I remember him saying that it made him feel like a king.  That is just not possible in this town now. 

When we both did more sport together, the overall health was better and the sex drive was higher as well. Now it is all just... like in slow motion. But it is difficult to get back on track with it. I do need him to motivate me, too. Without that motivation I find it hard to motivate in return and just me alone, I can not kick both our butts all the time. 

To be honest I have no idea whatsoever how to get the sex life in order. Foreplay has never been big with us. Sadly. He never seemed to enjoy it so much when I tried it more on him also, but maybe I just misinterpret his reactions. 
He can be "ready" in just seconds, so I doubt that there is any medical or LD issue. Although sometimes he just feels sick and of course that kills his mood. I just never know when this happens, which again makes it more difficult for me. And annoying. 
I tried to jump around in lingerie, it doesn't do much for him. I can shake my breasts in his face, he will enjoy it very much, but it won't make him jump up and take me. He is just SO controlled! 

I wish I knew the secret recipe to make him totally lose this control. I always envy those women who make an animal out of their man.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Have you ever been in another long term relationship? They go in phases. You will not always be crazy attracted to your partner. Ever. Its just not sustainable.

I hope you don't go "chasing that high."


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I think most of the answer you have written yourself. Your life is boring, work, work ,work. Either your find some friends in your boring town, go out or join a charity, organize a festival were you life, organize a discussion group or else or you have to move somewhere where all these things already exist. Do something for you, go to yoga, dance or learn something new.
Being together all time does not help your sex life either.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

I feel sorry for your situation and I feel sorry for mine too. I hate my sex life. I am looking for another busy job and things to do to keep myself from feeling bored with my life. I hope I will keep being strong and doing positive things


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Welcome to adulthood! The magical place where real life interferes with the happily ever after. The time when fun must be prioritized. The time when meaningful relationships take work, communication, and even accountability.

If you are bored what are you doing about it?

You say your H watches porn and might be masturbating when you feel like he should come to you...but you do the same thing!!!!

1. Foreplay is a MUST! Rule number "always and forever!"
2. Identify the things that are fun and start doing them together.
3. Understand that you will experience stress, for the rest of your life there will be stress! Learn how to manage it, cope with it, and not let it stop you from enjoying the important things that make life grand!
4. Sex needs to be a priority. This means you both start looking at sex as if this is the last time you will be together. You really want to spend your last night together watching TV?
5. Start sharing fantasies and making sex bucket lists. Come up with 50 places within a 1/2 hour drive where you want to have sex. Each week you have to cross one of those places off your list.
6. Learn the art of edging. This is where either of you arouse the other through out the day. However you want to work it, the point is to get them near the edge of orgasm, without going over. You do this several times in a day and no climaxing until 10:30 or so. Take turns with this.
7. PLAY together! Playing is important! Whether you play chess, or build model planes, you two should have a few fun playful activities that you do together.
8. Start doing role play. Using your fantasies as the script you can be the harem girl while he is the sultan. You can be the doctor while he is the patient. Role play is funny and sometimes funny. At first you might feel silly but it's important to recreate that childhood ability to make pretend you are someone else interacting with someone else. It's supposed to be fun, doesn't have to be perfect.

Life throws all kinds of crap at you. You can let it knock you down or you can turn around and keep enjoying this gift that you only get once and for a very short time.


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## Lift326 (Mar 18, 2014)

Because you are thinking too much about it.... just get out of the house to shake some of the routine ... get a hotel room and screw him.

Like most women you think we guys are complicated.... really we are not. Throw on a wig and cheap stripper wear and shoes and you may get roughed up


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

_Josephine_ said:


> I wish I knew the secret recipe to make him totally lose this control. I always envy those women who make an animal out of their man.


I doubt it is a fault of yours, Some women are just lucky to have a guy who runs hot. Since I have been reading this forum I have been amazed at how many women come here with guys that are boring and generally bad at sex. It makes me think it is not that unusual.


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

About the porn/masturbating thing, we're both not really watching it. It maybe happened once or twice. It is not a real habit yet. I do not see it as so important at the moment, this whole topic.

I can not force him to practice more foreplay. I can just tell him what I would like and what not. I told him the foreplay thing before, but it seems besides one or two more kisses he's not too interested in it. I actually suspect that he never really learned how to do all those things, how to please a woman with "little things". He was together with women who are more the quickie kind, I think. I also think he got fooled a lot concerning faked orgasms, but he thinks until today that they always were real and honest. He was with many women before me and he has had a couple long term relationships, but still to me it seems he never really learned so much in detail. Never really learned to please and get joy from that. Now he seems to be less interested in exactly that. It seems he thinks his way is the right way and he can be so stubborn with things. I don't think that I can teach him and totally change his opinion about that. I really don't know how. 

He thinks it is my responsibility to have fun during sex. I mean, he complains that I don't have so much fun during sex and don't take what I need/want from him, but he still does not do more to please me. Maybe he tries another move now and then, which is nice, but it still is the same 10 minutes of in and out with maybe a minute of fingering. It's just not enough for me. In addition to that I am responsible for the household, cooking and keeping track of all the organisational and paper things. I can make a red cross in the calendar if I ever get a coffee made by him for me in the morning. I am a big sucker for the little things in life, especially in love life, he knows that as I communicated it a lot before... but he doesn't put it into actions, which does annoy me, hurt me and makes me sad. Additionally I see that exactly this lack of effort makes me feel less attracted to him and again that makes me feel so sad. 
In the past I bought some toys, sex games, lingerie, edible body paint... he always kind of liked it or thought it's funny, but we never really used anything of it. It stays in the drawers and gets dusty. 
I'm out of ideas and almost out of power to try to get this work the way it should!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think that you are too easy on him. 
If he says having fun is your responsibility that means that you are going to need to make foreplay a requirement and not move on after a few minutes. If he does not want to tempt you with some toys or variety or some act of service than just go please yourself and let him do without for a while. 

People can be pretty self centered and will not change unless they have to.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It sounds to me like maybe he wants you to be more aggressive in bed. If you're responsible for you own pleasure and you're to take what you need from him there's nothing wrong with, "before we do that...I want you to do this for me." This of course being the foreplay you desire. Be more demanding in bed. It may be that that will turn him on and inspire him to be more adventurous.


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It sounds to me like maybe he wants you to be more aggressive in bed. If you're responsible for you own pleasure and you're to take what you need from him there's nothing wrong with, "before we do that...I want you to do this for me." This of course being the foreplay you desire. Be more demanding in bed. It may be that that will turn him on and inspire him to be more adventurous.


He wants to stay the dominant one, though. Someone say again men are not complicated...

If I "let him do without for a while" he will just distract himself with something else, I suppose. He's the master of self-distraction!  Or did you mean during sex?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I am saying don't give him anything unless he does his part and changes his lazy attitude. 

Are you saying that he would just as soon go without sex if he is required to give you proper foreplay?

If that is the case than you are in trouble.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I meant during sex. If his idea of sex is just to 'put it in' get him excited then don't let him put it in until he's taken time to get you excited manually, orally or with a toy (whichever is your preference).


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I am saying don't give him anything unless he does his part and changes his lazy attitude.
> 
> Are you saying that he would just as soon go without sex if he is required to give you proper foreplay?
> 
> If that is the case than you are in trouble.


I mean that he can go weeks without sex, if there are enough other things and/or work to distract himself with. It's pure redirecting of his concentration to something else. He can get lost in whatever topic for days. Besides sex or anything romantic that is.  




MaritimeGuy said:


> I meant during sex. If his idea of sex is just to 'put it in' get him excited then don't let him put it in until he's taken time to get you excited manually, orally or with a toy (whichever is your preference).


I feel kind of like I have to hurry, which never lets me feel relaxed. I have this sort of deadline with him. Either I get to finish while he is at it, or I'll not finish at all. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy our time together, it's just never really focused on me. That is in my opinion. I suppose he thinks he does a lot for me already. 

We do use condoms. Makes the endings not very nice. Either he finishes on me or in my mouth. Which - again - is alright and nice, but not always... . I want an IUD (hormone free), but I have to wait until I can afford that here where I live. I hope also, that I will physically be okay with that. I have hopes that it will improve our sex life a bit.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

He gets away with not focussing on you because this is the pattern that has been established between you. You are partly responsible for this pattern as you've allowed it.

He may fight it at first but I think you need to be more assertive and change the pattern. 

I think in a healthy relationship people are every bit as concerned about pleasing their partner as they are about enjoying themselves. If it's completely on sided then eventually both sides will end up losing in the long run as the resentment builds and sex becomes a chore.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Stress can kill any ones sex drive, men seem more so. The hydraulics does not work as well. I have read this before and it seems very true 90% of the sex is in between the ears not the legs. DDW and I had periods like what you have mentioned and they were in the early years. Long work hours, more bills than money to pay them at the time. Things do get better but you have to work at it, make a date night and stick with it. Just the stress of a guy expecting to preform in bed can kill desire. Seems you are both stressed maybe he just is depressed as well?


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