# Am I blowing this out of poportion?



## marriedMom

Brief History: I have been Married for about 19yrs. I have five children with age ranging from 19-6. In the very beginning of my marriage my husban commited adlutery. However I didn't discover this until five years afterwards. Needless to say it was hard for us during that time and very hard for the children. We seperated but after a year we reconciled. It was hard for me to handle my trust issues concerning him, but I trudge through it and eventually he regained my trust back. Just recently I uncovered two issues that really hurt me that my husban has been involved in and has caused me to be alarmed. First thing that I uncoverd was he was looking at videos that mild porn(you tube women in bikinis, wet t-shirt contest looking at hooters mags in stores and ect.... ) The second thing I uncovered was his search for and old girlfriend through facebook. Now this is not the first time I have caught him the first time was six to seven months ago. Needless to say we had a big argument about it he was very embarassed about his behavior and later we sat down and discussed it he apologized end of that or at least it is what I believed. About two day ago while I was helping my son get registered for college we needed to use the history to find a page that we had previously visited. That is when I notice the old girlfriend name had been searched again. On the first occasion he didnt find her but this time he did. She is divorced with two kid. When I revealed to my husban what I had found which was not in a calm way, he was very angry and defensive. He stated that there has been no contact and that he was merly searching her and that I was making a big deal out of nothing and I quoat " you probably search for another man too I just have found out about it". As of now I have move from our bedroom to our office unpstairs. spiritually the wounds are still fresh, but as I try to make sense of this situation I get more and more angry. Divorce is not what I want what I want is God will to be done in this matter. I know God doesn't like divorce but rather reconciliation. I love God with all my heart and fear him greatly, but as the days go past I detest my husban more and want to leave. Since the incident i have been activly seeking Gods' advice.Today I am now asking wisdom from his fellow servants who hold his spirit of truth.

Questions: Am I blowing this out of poportion?

Please put us in your prayers and stand with me in allowing Gods will to be done. Whatever that may be.


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## marriedMom

I have access to the facebook and the phone. He might have erased the phone on the day of the argument because I left the house in anger.Trying not to let the argument exculate into violence. When I returned he was not there, but returned about thirty minutes after I had returned. All of our comunication has been centered around the children. I can't bring myself to talk to him I am still so devastated, hurt and angry. I don't know how much longer this will last, but my children are my main concern.


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## DanF

While you have good reason for your suspicions, maybe it is innocent. I look at porn and bikini sites occasionally with no desire to cheat. I have also inquired about people from my past (guys and girls) with no desire to cheat on my wife.
I think that you should have a calm, rational conversation with your husband and explain your concerns. Maybe he can explain himself in a way that won't upset either of you.
A direct confrontation with anger invokes the "fight or flight" emotion and will end up in him running or fighting every time.


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## NaturalHeart

If you are searching the internet for an old FLAME, what is the purpose you'd have for doing this? I think some people ( no matter how good the spouse is) will just do things when no one is looking or think no one is looking. They began thinking and talking themselves into thinking it is "harmless". They reach out to the old sweetheart only to find out this person is divorced. OKAY, so now what? There are just so many avenues this fantacy/picture/story can go.

Anyway, with that said, you seem to have caught this at the right time but if you had not caught it, then what?? Spouses need to stop thinking things are harmless because no one can see what they are doing. GOD see what you're doing and what is in the dark will come to light. Especially when you've been trusting enuff to give it another chance. Then when their azz get caught they want to win your trust back- in the meantime, that does not mean it is ok to go back on the net and search for old flames. I know no one is perfect and I'm almost starting to wonder about HUMAN NATURE with all this out of the home interest going on these days.


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## Smackdown

Face Book is Satan's tool to destroy families. A man who loves God and his wife wouldn't think twice about giving up the search for an old flame. Hurting you and continuing this behavior is wrong, would he like it if you searched for ur old BF?
Mouse


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## annagarret

DanF said:


> While you have good reason for your suspicions,heat maybe it is innocent. I look at porn and bikini sites occasionally with no desire to c. I have also inquired about people from my past (guys and girls) with no desire to cheat on my wife.
> I think that you should have a calm, rational conversation with your husband and explain your concerns. Maybe he can explain himself in a way that won't upset either of you.
> A direct confrontation with anger invokes the "fight or flight" emoti
> on and will end up in him running or fighting every time.[/QU
> 
> 
> 
> I look at porn and bikini sites occasionally with no desire to c. I have also inquired about people from my past (guys and girls) with no desire to cheat on my wife.
> 
> DAN , while you don't cheat physically, you cheat mentally which is worse because you can continually repeat it in your mind, and doesn't Christ talk about that even lusting after another in their mind is comparable to adultery in his heart?????
> 
> Dont ever minimize any visual cues........


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## annagarret

Smackdown said:


> Face Book is Satan's tool to destroy families. A man who loves God and his wife wouldn't think twice about giving up the search for an old flame. Hurting you and continuing this behavior is wrong, would he like it if you searched for ur old BF?
> Mouse


:iagree::iagree:


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## maggot brain

marriedMom said:


> Questions: Am I blowing this out of poportion?


I think so, yes. I can't believe you are freaking out because he looks at Hooters girls on you tube. Poor guy.


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## annagarret

maggot brain said:


> I think so, yes. I can't believe you are freaking out because he looks at Hooters girls on you tube. Poor guy.[/QUO
> 
> 
> But Seriously, if we , as Christians who walk in His steps, male and female, should never look at another with lust.......I know we all do it ...but dont' ever justify it or blow it off, Christ expects more of us........He has called us to higher standards..


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## EleGirl

I search things on the internet all the time, to include the names of people I knew in the past. So I've searched for the names of old boyfriends as well. I have no intent whatsoever to contact them. I just was curious if they were on the internet and what they look like now. That's all. It could be an innocent thing.

But with your husband's past I would want a lot of transparency to be able to keep trust in him.


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## striving

I'm on the other end of this. I've searched for my high school sweetheart online and in time found his wife's blog. I tell myself not to do it, but I still find myself going to the blog to read about them. In no way would I ever, ever contact him. I just read it...I don't know why..? Why do I read it? I guess because I'm so sick and heartbroken in my failed marriage (almost 12 years of misery and still at it) that all I can think about is that "long lost love." I've been reading articles online about that connection with the first love and that bond, and how for most that never goes away. I don't enjoy the torture that I feel when I read about how they are and where they go and how much they love each other...my stomach literally churns and I usually spend some time crying in pain.

Our marriage counselor said (I was able to tell him of this problem of mine when my husband wasn't there) said that he sees this as the garbage at the bottom of a well. My marriage "well" is so empty and dry that when you peer down, all you see is the garbage at the bottom. He said my obsession with the high school boyfriend and the connection I had with him (dated 4 1/2 yrs, really loved each other) is just an indicator that my marriage is empty. So obviously the more the well is filled, the farther away those thoughts/memories will be. The biggest problem is that my husband, tho he very well knows what I need to feel loved and what work our marriage needs, just will not do anything about it. Even the counselor challenged my husband in asking if he sees he is lazy. But if only, oh if only!, my husband would get up and start DOING things for our marriage...if only he knew how much it would fill me and help me out of this pit. He doesn't know about this problem that I have. I don't think that telling him about it would be helpful.

I'm sure you are taking efforts to work on your marriage. And your husband is at fault too. But I hope for you two that you can find out what the other person needs and then more importantly fight hard and start doing those things so that each of you might love each other again - in actions not just words.


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## DanF

annagarret said:


> DanF said:
> 
> 
> 
> DAN , while you don't cheat physically, you cheat mentally which is worse because you can continually repeat it in your mind, and doesn't Christ talk about that even lusting after another in their mind is comparable to adultery in his heart?????
> 
> Dont ever minimize any visual cues........
> 
> 
> 
> It's not cheating, mentally or physically.
> I enjoy looking at pretty girls, nude or not.
> If you attempt to have your husband be as holy and pure as Jesus Christ, you are in for a sad disappointment.
> I know that I have faults, but being unfaithful is not one of them (it was in the past, but that is over and done with).
> Seeing a beautiful woman and enjoying that beauty with my eyes is not cheating. It is simply getting visual pleasure from what God created.
Click to expand...


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## marriedMom

Update since my last post. For the christamas break we decided to put things on the back burner for the kids sake. After christmas we have had a few talks which has helped a little and we are no longer in seperate rooms. This move have removed some of the tension in the kids and I thought it best since they will be returning to school soon. But mostly I have put this issue into God's hands. I have gotten past the hurt,anger, self pity, and frustration. The trust is still an issue for me though. I believe in the word of God firmly and know that it was by his hands that this was revealed., not just for my safty but for my husban repentance.The Lord God has help me see the truth in this. Satan intentions was to destroy me, my kids as well as my husban, and that my husban acts of infidelity was not against me but against God who he serves.. No i am not looking for my husban to be what christ is to me for that would be extreamly evil and he would most certainly fail. But what I do expect is for him to first love God with all his heart and serve Him in spirit and truth. For if he first walks in the law of love with christ then I know he would be able to do also with me. I have certainly made up in my mind and heart I will settled for no less than this. So Far divorce is off the table. Neither He or I want this. He seemed willing to try and with much prayer God has soften my heart to accept this.


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## marriedMom

GOE


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