# What to do when your spouse is more roommate than partner?



## Mysticpizza8! (Dec 20, 2017)

I'm lost and totally alone. Been married 20+ years , hubby has always been less than empathetic or one that dotes not super good with emotions. I thought I had accepted that this was the way he is but the last 2 years have been pretty rotten and he doesnt seem to think anything wrong despite my telling him how I feel. I had doc appt 9 days ago to find out if I m going to need surgery on my hand he still has not asked bout that appt. I'm so hurt that I mean so little to him. 3 weeks ago I made the statement to him tha t we were really bad room mates not spouses, few days later on our anniversary he says I'm the best roommate he s ever had, jk he said afterwards. We have not had sex in almost 2 yrs bc of his inability to get erection, I have asked him to see a doc for last 1.5 yrs, I feel it's me that he s not attracted to but he says no. Hard to feel wanted or attractive to your mate when he cant get erection. Help with some input bc I don't know what to do anymore, tired of feeling lonely.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This does sound like roommates not a marriage. If that is all he wants out of the relationship, then I think you need to consider whether or not you want to live the rest of your life this way. Most marriages are NOT like this, though some are.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

One life. Don't waste it. Get out and find someone to loves you, desires you, and will make life worth living. 

Time to rock the boat.


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## Mysticpizza8! (Dec 20, 2017)

Thank you all your input. Makes me feel better that I'm not crazy or being selfish to want more.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You need to have a good heart to heart talk with him about what you expect out of marriage, what does he expect? That you both need to find ways to rekindle the romance. That he HAS to go see a doc about his ED.


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## Mysticpizza8! (Dec 20, 2017)

He keeps saying he needs to see do but still hasn't made appt . I have had heart to hearts with him , he says things need to change yet here I am asking for advice to see if this is nirmasl or if I'm being selfish.i told him tonight that I had doc appt and they want to do surgery and that I was very hurt he didn't ask about it at all since my appt a week ago, his reply was he is concerned and he meant to ask.😟 I'm just very aggravated and feel so alone. Not how I imagined my marriage if 20 yes to be.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mysticpizza8! said:


> I'm lost and totally alone. Been married 20+ years , hubby has always been less than empathetic or one that dotes not super good with emotions. I thought I had accepted that this was the way he is but the last 2 years have been pretty rotten and he doesnt seem to think anything wrong despite my telling him how I feel. I had doc appt 9 days ago to find out if I m going to need surgery on my hand he still has not asked bout that appt. I'm so hurt that I mean so little to him. 3 weeks ago I made the statement to him tha t we were really bad room mates not spouses, few days later on our anniversary he says I'm the best roommate he s ever had, jk he said afterwards. We have not had sex in almost 2 yrs bc of his inability to get erection, I have asked him to see a doc for last 1.5 yrs, I feel it's me that he s not attracted to but he says no. Hard to feel wanted or attractive to your mate when he cant get erection. Help with some input bc I don't know what to do anymore, tired of feeling lonely.



- Your hubby should be going to the gym, training hard, eating healthy, no smoking or alcohol, etc. He wouldn't have Erectile dysfunction.


- 2 years of no sex and he isn't doing anything about it is very cruel and not a loving hubby. I feel for you. That's not cool at all.


- Sounds like you want sex and that close physicality, yes? Your hubby does not?


Different love languages.

Profiles Archive - The 5 Love Languages®

You'll be surprised and maybe it'll help you both?


It could also be sexual mismatch. One spouse has the healthy sex drive and the other spouse coundn't care less short of divorce. HD / LD.


If I were you, I would buy a high end sex toy and use that often to get it out of your system. At least that way, your LD hubby has no sexual power over you and you won;t be sexually starved and miserable.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sorry.. I know exactly how it is feeling alone and lost when married. It's not fun at all. Once I had an MRI done which was very scary to me and all he could say is 'good luck' as I left. Have you tried going out more with friends? Prehaps your home too much meaning he's too comfortable.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> If I were you, I would buy a high end sex toy and use that often to get it out of your system. At least that way, your LD hubby has no sexual power over you and you won;t be sexually starved and miserable.


No, she'd still be sex starved, she'd just be sex starved with a few self generated orgasms.

No sex in 2 years? No real care and concern? Yeah, no. I'd be out. Just on the no sex alone. You can be platonic friends without being married to each other.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It is not too late to find a better partner for your next 20 years! End this relationship and then find your better life partner. You tried and got nothing in return but laziness and procrastination. You want a husband, not a roomate plain and simple.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mysticpizza8! said:


> I'm lost and totally alone. Been married 20+ years , hubby has always been less than empathetic or one that dotes not super good with emotions. I thought I had accepted that this was the way he is but the last 2 years have been pretty rotten and he doesnt seem to think anything wrong despite my telling him how I feel. I had doc appt 9 days ago to find out if I m going to need surgery on my hand he still has not asked bout that appt. I'm so hurt that I mean so little to him. 3 weeks ago I made the statement to him tha t we were really bad room mates not spouses, few days later on our anniversary he says I'm the best roommate he s ever had, jk he said afterwards. We have not had sex in almost 2 yrs bc of his inability to get erection, I have asked him to see a doc for last 1.5 yrs, I feel it's me that he s not attracted to but he says no. Hard to feel wanted or attractive to your mate when he cant get erection. Help with some input bc I don't know what to do anymore, tired of feeling lonely.


I am sorry for you. You need to tell him and he needs to do better. I would suggest trying to get some marriage counseling. I would also suggest that you let him know how unhappy you are.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Being lonely in a marriage is the worst loneliness I ever endured. It's far better to just be alone. I've been in your shoes. I left the marriage, and to this day I don't regret it one bit.

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. JMO.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## sunchild15 (Jul 4, 2016)

I in a similar situation. I guess being platonic friends could a solution. I love my wife but this lack of intimacy..1 time in 15 months just seems to be a huge issue. I guess the complicated part is that we would have to rent another place if we want to try being separated. Perhaps we should try being separated to give my wife space in life too... However my wife is not working at all or generating money. This means that I would end up paying for both places. While my goal is to not move out of the place where our family is, lately I am wondering .. Perhaps I need to try being in my own place to create space .. If we are not having sex 1 time per year...how would it be much different except for me not being here and available for everyone all of the time ..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Nothing wrong with a separation. You change nothing nothing change.

Or you continue your live your life with this lump.


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## 2become1 (Dec 26, 2017)

Sounds more of a roommate. So sad...


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi,

Read Dr. Laura's book first. Find a way to re-kindle, get him a check up. Depression and diabetes can effect libido. Diabetes and the hard work to control sugars can make one depressed. It makes me depressd. Viagra and Cialis helps a little bit. but romance, feeling appreciated, just enjoying being touched and taking ones time can improve the bedroom stuff. It is hard, see a sex therpist, a m.D.together, and marriage therapist. Choose one from the Gottman institute. Anyone not recommended from that institute will mostlikely be the ruin of your marriage. Good luck. I sure wish I had a wife like you. whatever you do talk to your girlfriends and don't confide in a man outside the marriage or else you will succomb to an affair. 

Here is a life line, but both must want it...
Good luck
David.

You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.


These are the instruction manuals if you both love each other and want to be married to age 92. The day of marriage isn't the end goal, The end goal is what you are going to accomplish together. Look up the work Beshera and Marriage within a marriage in the book/read this one too...How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love by Judith Sills,Book No more perfect Marriages; Mark and Jill Savage

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
byJohn Gottman Ph.D.

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 starsMUST MUST READ, LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOK, AND DO EXERCISES. MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON IT.
ByDavid L.on February 13, 2017
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
A must read along with this 7 principles and 10 things. Every couple should listen to the audio book and read the book or get the books to do the exercises. They should learn these principles in this book and apply them. It is the hardest thing you can do is deal with feelings, ask for needs met that both win. It really could save a marriage and get both on track for a more satisfying relationship, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I wish I had this book before the last horsemen came to our house, "contempt." by that stage the relationship is done with no chance of recommencement. A must do before marriage and after. What I mean to talk to your spouse and lay it on the line is hard for wive's and husband's to communicate so close that you become one person. It's scary. There just be enough trust to share but you have to because it gets to the bottom of problems after emotions and feelings, then needs are met. You will feel naked, afraid, embarrassed, and maybe reconnect. Good luck. Another poster did not like the analogies. But the analogies about boxes, outside the zone, or where you close yourself off to your partner are good. The author explains why we close each other off, don't get close via emotional and sensually sexual to bond. The author tells us how to fix it. I would even say to Gottman's retreats and get a marriage counselor too to work through the issues that repeatedly come up and don't change. The three books I mentioned along with the Audio CD's is a must. Please buy them. It can save a marriage. It is amazing how stupid we act when a woman don't get the feeling of being emotionally close to her husband and listened to and a husband isn't admired and thought of a good man and provider. You will learn how to relate by learning opportunities tha build each other up and not tear down. Women bond due to emotional level that is given from the husband. The the husband provides an emotional connection which equals many lovable payoffs to a husband. The wife provides admiration and affection the husband. He will feel wonderful and provide multiple communicative and affectionate actions toward his wife in which she will love and reciprocate more freely.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Your not alone Mystic. You have described my marriage pretty much to a T. We have been married 22 years, and I have told my husband for years we live like roommates and not as husband and wife. No communication. No sex (maybe 2 times a year...and for me it's "duty" sex)...no intimacy....no touching or hand holding...no cuddling. Just a peck in the morning and a peck at bedtime. 

My husband has also suffered ED issues and still does. His probably stems from years of drinking and smoking....which caused health problems and ultimately led to a heart attack (at age 54). He is now on meds which are seriously screwing with him even more health wise and mentally. His main issue is that he is in denial about everything. He doesn't see that there are problems with "us". He procrastinates...buries his head in the sand...and is one of those people that can ride on the coattails of others through life. 

Your husband has to see that there are issues that need to be worked on and he has to want to work on the issues with you. His ED could be a result of other underlying health issues. If he does not want to do the hard work involved to help the marriage, then you can only change you and do what you need to do to be happy and healthy...both physically and mentally. 

The longer the dynamic continues like a roommate situation the more respect you will lose for him. And along with that, it chips away at the love you have for him. Resentment sets in and before you know it, it's all too far gone to feel any kind of emotion....except for the pain of feeling so lonely and alone. 

Let us know how things are progressing. Good luck!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I love me some good pizza pie. But its so hard to find good pizza!

Room mates.

Fart and flick boogers at them.

Or give them a warm handshake as you head out the door.


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