# How to handle this!!!



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I've posted a few times before....my husband and I are both 29, 9 years together total and nearly 6 years married. We have two children under the age of 4.
We have REALLY drifted apart the last few months. He is away for work a lot and doesn't give 100% to the family when he is home- i get resentful so then I become miserable. We just seriously lost our spark. I knew things were bad, but I kind of figured it was just a rough patch that we could overcome. Two weeks ago H said that he was seriously unhappy and needed some alone time. I was devastated initially and told him so, but then realized that forcing him to stay would never work so I conceded to the separation.

He didn't leave and things improved between us. We were laughing together and calling and emailing during the day, he became very affectionate. We had sex a few times, and we had not done so in a looooong time. I had been using some of the 180 tips and thought maybe by backing off and showing him a happy and confident me I was changing his mind.

Three days ago he became moody and distant again and when I pressed he said he was still confused, despite conditions between us improving, and that he had to go. He packed up a few things, and after crying for an hour together, he left.

I am so confused about how to play this. He is staying with his parents who apparently told him that he should try to work things out with me, I have been seeing a counsellor and H has just asked if he could see him too....it sounds like maybe he wants to work on things but really, do men get confused REALLY? Or is that just code for "someone else has caught my eye"? He admits things were great between us last week but he still has left....so where does that leave me?


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Do look into the 180. It's not to drag them back. It is to give you strength and peace of mind, regardless. This time is going to be a roller coaster of emotions, but the sooner you can be confident in the 180,the sooner you will be able to feel like you can function.

Things weren't good between STBX and I for a while and he brought up separation often. However I finally stopped fighting it last month. I still have my moments, but I've come to realize that I am strong enough to handle whatever happens. You will get there too.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thanks for the advice, it's a very confusing time! Some moments I feel OK and other times not at all.
My problem is that I don't want to walk away, I want a chance to fix this. H doesn't seem to know what he wants. I think he might see possible greener pastures and that hurts....we have a one year old. Who would want to leave their baby to take a chance on a fling?
He says the "door is open" and this isn't necessarily over forever but I fail to see how that will happen, he is essentially living the single life right now with no commitments or responsibilities aside from his work....so what would ever make him want to come back? Maybe he never intends to come back and is just trying to spare my feelings.

I will get right into the 180. I hope it helps, I feel pretty low.


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

It's tough at first. Be cordial when he contacts you IF there is a need to respond. Most times there is not. It has helped me find an inner calm. Even in the midst of arguments. I can't control him, but I can control myself and my emotions. He has no power over me anymore in that respect.

You can do this. It's hardest at the beginning I think.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

There are no arguments, we are being very friendly. I do not text or phone or email him but obviously because of the children we will have some contact. I want him to see me in a positive light because one of his chief complaints is that I am mean and miserable.....so I want to show him that I am not that girl, while still using the 180 techniques.

This is so hard!! Thanks for the support, I really need it


----------



## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

What is it with men? Sorry to hijack this a little - I feel your pain, MrsG - but seriously. Relationships and family takes work and commitment. Why do men seem to willing to just leave when it gets hard, rather than do the work.

I hope for you that he does prove himself willing...it is certainly worth it and if he doesn't realize it, you are better off without him.

How much time it takes is up to you and him, and all you can do is keep your strength up and remember what is GOOD about you. I know it can be hard through this time, but no man is worth losing your self-esteem over.

And sorry to the men who are on this forum because their wives left without wanting to work on things. I shouldn't gender stereotype but I just had to rant for 5 seconds there.


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

lucy mulholland said:


> What is it with men? Sorry to hijack this a little - I feel your pain, MrsG - but seriously. Relationships and family takes work and commitment. Why do men seem to willing to just leave when it gets hard, rather than do the work.
> 
> I hope for you that he does prove himself willing...it is certainly worth it and if he doesn't realize it, you are better off without him.
> 
> ...


Heh, you are forgiven


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

MrsG84 said:


> "I am so confused about how to play this. He is staying with his parents who apparently told him that he should try to work things out with me, *I have been seeing a counsellor and H has just asked if he could see him too....it sounds like maybe he wants to work on things*"
> *
> This, IMO, is a very positive sign*
> 
> ...


*
If you do not think there's an OW, by all means encourage him to get counseling. Possibly he could have a few IC sessions w/ your IC and then you both see the counselor together.

Just my dos pesos*

..
.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Lucy, thanks for that comment because that is how I've been feeling. I know not all men are like that, my own father certainly was not- but I have been feeling so hurt that my H just wants to give up because things have been a bit rough. It feels like he's ready to just discard me and the kids because things aren't very fun right now....and I have to say, his father is like that. When the going gets tough, he bails. In the 9 years H and I have been together my FiL has been engaged twice and has lived with 3 or 4 women.

Old Timer, thank you as well. I have done a bit of sleuthing and have uncovered nothing to suggest an OW but I could not swear there wasn't one. He is a chef and surrounded by women at his job....I am sure he is meeting people.
Regardless, he has asked for some IC with my counsellor to start, so I will take that as a positive sign.

The being confused still bothers me.....in my head it sounds like code for "someone else has got my attention" and won't a life of fun and freedom from wife and kids ALWAYS seem more appealing? It feels like I won't get him back once he has a taste of "single life" although he has told me twice that he isn't going to be dating (not sure I believe that).


----------

