# I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"



## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

As the title says, my wife doesn't enjoy romantic things. Anything I try she says is awkward and doesn't enjoy it. However, she says that she wants to enjoy romance and intimacy, like her best friend and her bf. She is starting to have serious doubts about us because I'm her first serious relationship so she doesn't know whether (a) she just isn't a romantic person on reality even though she wishes she enjoyed it, or (b) she can enjoy romance but just not with me so we're incompatible. This has blown me off my feet and I'm destroyed. She says she needs time to figure this all out and we're separated. She said she knows I'm her best friend and loves me in that sense, but is afraid she doesn't love me how she's supposed to and I'm just a friend to her so that's why she doesn't enjoy romance with me.
We're going to counseling but no progress has been made. I don't know what to do, she says she isn't ready to talk so communication isn't an option at the moment. She's also suffering from possible depression and seeking treatment. I'm afraid that she sees her happy best friend whose in a new relationship and in the honeymoon phase and wants that. I've tried telling her that romance and relationships evolve but I'm just heartbroken and lonely at the moment and need help


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

How long have you been married? How long did you date? How old are you two? And how certain are you (and why) that she's not auditioning other romantic potentials while separated?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

Sorry for leaving that out, but we have been married 1.5 years, dating for about 7 years and we're both 24 and full time students. 

i mean it is impossible to be 100% certain she's not with anyone else while we're separated, but i don't think it is an issue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

Have you asked why this whole "romance" thing didn't come up in the 7 years you dated?

I think you're writing off the whole "other person" thing far too easily...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fix It Felix (Feb 28, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

I think you should definite the rules of your separation, including the maximum amount of time you'll wait before divorcing and whether she can date during the separation.

If she's not willing to at least talk about that, she's letting you go or at least placing you on the back burner for other options.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

After 7 years of dating and now married a year and a half and now she's just figuring this out? I think there's more than meets the eye on this. IMO, did a bit deeper.


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



PBear said:


> Have you asked why this whole "romance" thing didn't come up in the 7 years you dated?
> 
> I think you're writing off the whole "other person" thing far too easily...
> 
> ...


Yea we have talked about it. Throughout our whole relationship she has basically said that she just is not a romantic person and that is why she didn't enjoy those things. But she has seen other happy couples who are much more phsyical than us and i'm not her but i think she wants that. 

she has basically said that she doesn't know that the only reason she thinks she's not into romance is because i'm the only serious relationship she's had so there's no way to know if this is "how" she's supposed to feel OR if it is because although we are best friends and she loves me we don't have that deep intimate connection married couples are supposed to have. 

i think the reason these are flaring up is because she sees other happy couples and wants that feeling. i have been understanding and don't want to say that she just needs to be satisfied with what you have and that we're past the honeymoon phase and just get over it, but im not sure what to do


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

So did you guys not do anything to stay connected as a couple? True you can't stay in the honeymoon phase forever but you should always be doings things to stay connected. Marriages need nurturing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



lifeistooshort said:


> So did you guys not do anything to stay connected as a couple? True you can't stay in the honeymoon phase forever but you should always be doings things to stay connected. Marriages need nurturing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's an area we failed honestly. We're both full time students and extremely stressed and I think we both neglected to spend quality time together since we are broke and constantly doing homework


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



boredjoe560 said:


> I think that's an area we failed honestly. We're both* full time students and extremely stressed and I think we both neglected to spend quality time together since we are broke and constantly doing homework*


 This explains much.




boredjoe560 said:


> But she has seen other happy couples who are much more phsyical than us and i'm not her but i think she wants that.


 Time, affection and bonding begets more of the same, it's a beautiful feedback loop..maybe she has been needing & wanting more for a long time.. but just tried to suppress it...sounds you both have too much on your plate..



boredjoe560 said:


> As the title says, my wife doesn't enjoy romantic things. Anything I try she says is awkward and doesn't enjoy it. However, she says that she wants to enjoy romance and intimacy, like her best friend and her bf. She is starting to have serious doubts about us because I'm her first serious relationship so she doesn't know whether (a) she just isn't a romantic person on reality even though she wishes she enjoyed it, or (b) she can enjoy romance but just not with me so we're incompatible.


 But those whole 7 yrs....we're you both JUST as pre-occupied with other things? 



> This has blown me off my feet and I'm destroyed. She says she needs time to figure this all out and we're separated. She said she knows I'm her best friend and loves me in that sense, but is afraid she doesn't love me how she's supposed to and I'm just a friend to her so that's why she doesn't enjoy romance with me.


Back to dating....did you feel PASSION for you from her...or did you always feel you loved her MORE...and was reaching for more from her ?



> We're going to counseling but no progress has been made. I don't know what to do, she says she isn't ready to talk so communication isn't an option at the moment. She's also suffering from possible depression and seeking treatment. I'm afraid that she sees her happy best friend whose in a new relationship and in the honeymoon phase and wants that. I've tried telling her that romance and relationships evolve but I'm just heartbroken and lonely at the moment and need help


 What is the sex life like ?? Don't know if this is just a matter of not revving the affections enough...so they slowly started to die and she is rewriting history... or from the get go....she didn't have the "FIRE" - that sexual attraction that draws her back to you ...what do you think?


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## Fix It Felix (Feb 28, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

I can't help but notice that while this separation will work out great for her, look at the two options you're left with now: either she is not romantic at all, or she's not romantic with you but could be with others. And while I can see why she might need to figure this out, what about you? Either way, if she needs this romance you guys are by definition incompatible.


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

Those are all really great questions. We did have a pretty good sex life but for the past few months it has died waaaay down. 

Through our whole relationship we never really did romantic things and she was honestly apologetic that she didn't enjoy those type of things and I told her it was fine. I really noticed the change the more she hung out with her best friend and saw the way her and her new bf interacted, she wanted it. I can't get through to her that we can't be in that puppy love stage forever, but she's not listening. 

I think she wants to stay together, but she is having serious doubts about whether she loved me for the right reasons, more then just a friend, and is having these doubts because she says she has no other long term relationship to compare us to. but she understands its highly unrealistic and unfair and will lead to divorce if she wants to try anything with another guy. so her basic dilemma is either (A) just stay with me and hope that she isn't meant to be romantic or (B) move on from me and see what she feels with other guys, and knowing that if she just isn't romantic me and her have no chance of success. 

Although it hurts me more then i thought possible, i can relate to her and understand how horrible of a situation she is in.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

boredjoe560, I am truly sorry for your pain. I am not sure if I can offer you any advice. 

What I see is two young people who have been together since you were 17. I can kind of understand what your wife is going through. That is one of the reasons I encourage my kids to date different people before they choose their life mate. By doing so, they understand what else is out there and all those doubts your wife is feeling, don't come up because they have dated other people, know what's out there and know why they chose the person they did.

It is unfortunate that she didn't question this before you were married, but here you are. 

I am not sure if this would work, but maybe you could try "romancing" her even though she wants no contact. Send her cards in the mail, little gifts, flowers, etc. Send her texts to see how her day is going or to let her know that you are thinking of her. 

Now here is the problem, you have to be able to do this and have her see you as independent, strong and self confident. If you do this and come off as weak, clingy or smothering - it won't work. So you don't want to over do it, or beg, or cry, etc. Do it enough to entice her to want more.


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



JustHer said:


> boredjoe560, I am truly sorry for your pain. I am not sure if I can offer you any advice.
> 
> What I see is two young people who have been together since you were 17. I can kind of understand what your wife is going through. That is one of the reasons I encourage my kids to date different people before they choose their life mate. By doing so, they understand what else is out there and all those doubts your wife is feeling, don't come up because they have dated other people, know what's out there and know why they chose the person they did.
> 
> ...



Thanks that is kind of what I have been doing. I have been avoiding typical Hallmark things, but just randomly bringing her little things that I know she likes or would appreciate. It has been going well overall and she's even cracked a smile and thanked me a few times. We got lunch yesterday and talked for about 2 hours and she actually laughed with me for the first time in weeks. I want to see this as progress, but she still hasn't made her mind up! 

The big thing I'm working on now is giving her the space she needs. I miss her so bad and want to just text her all the time like we used to, but I know that won't be good in the long run. We do text most mornings and she still comes to me if she's having a bad day or upset, and she's opened up to me some. I honestly hate that we are living apart, but I think its part of respecting her and letting her realize she has an independent voice in our relationship


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



SimplyAmorous said:


> This explains much.
> 
> 
> Time, affection and bonding begets more of the same, it's a beautiful feedback loop..maybe she has been needing & wanting more for a long time.. but just tried to suppress it...sounds you both have too much on your plate..
> ...


Those are all really great questions. We did have a pretty good sex life but for the past few months it has died waaaay down. 

Through our whole relationship we never really did romantic things and she was honestly apologetic that she didn't enjoy those type of things and I told her it was fine. I really noticed the change the more she hung out with her best friend and saw the way her and her new bf interacted, she wanted it. I can't get through to her that we can't be in that puppy love stage forever, but she's not listening. 

I think she wants to stay together, but she is having serious doubts about whether she loved me for the right reasons, more then just a friend, and is having these doubts because she says she has no other long term relationship to compare us to. but she understands its highly unrealistic and unfair and will lead to divorce if she wants to try anything with another guy. so her basic dilemma is either (A) just stay with me and hope that she isn't meant to be romantic or (B) move on from me and see what she feels with other guys, and knowing that if she just isn't romantic me and her have no chance of success. 

Although it hurts me more then i thought possible, i can relate to her and understand how horrible of a situation she is in.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

There is a test on the internet and a book you can buy on the "5 love languages". It might be interesting if the two of you took the test. 

The 5 different love languages are:

Words of Affirmation 
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

You said that she is seeing her girlfriends all touchy with their new boyfriends. Maybe that is her girlfriends love language. I will bet though that that isn't your wife's love language. 

Figure out what hers is, that is very important in knowing what she needs from you. Example, if her love language is words of affirmation, then she needs to "here" it from you. Or if it is "acts of service" then doing things like opening the car door for her, or bringing her coffee in bed might be what she needs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



boredjoe560 said:


> Those are all really great questions. We did have a pretty good sex life but for the past few months it has died waaaay down.


 Ok... something is seriously UP... but sounded good before ! 



> Through our whole relationship we never really did romantic things and she was honestly apologetic that she didn't enjoy those type of things and I told her it was fine. I really noticed the change the more she hung out with her best friend and saw the way her and her new bf interacted, she wanted it. I can't get through to her that we can't be in that puppy love stage forever, but she's not listening.


 When it comes to Romance... people define it in different ways.. I for one, could care less about flowers , cards and jewelry...I'd rather him not waste his money.... but I love his just spending time with me, cuddling, watching movies together, taking walks, laughing together...words of affirmation type thing..and I WOULD grow bored with a guy who didn't give me that.. that brightens MY WORLD...and it bonds us....

I have only been with my husband -since age 15 so it does sometimes work out very nicely.. we've been together for 31 yrs .. I did break up with him a short time wondering If I may regret having not dated another.. but that experience gave me the clarity I needed that I wanted my best friend.. it is good to get that sorted out WHILE DATING... as this *can* happen.



> I think she wants to stay together, but she is having serious doubts about whether she loved me for the right reasons, more then just a friend, and is having these doubts because she says she has no other long term relationship to compare us to. but she understands its highly unrealistic and unfair and will lead to divorce if she wants to try anything with another guy. so her basic dilemma is either (A) just stay with me and hope that she isn't meant to be romantic or (B) move on from me and see what she feels with other guys, and knowing that if she just isn't romantic me and her have no chance of success.


 This idea of not knowing if one is romantically geared or not, I don't understand this at all.. does she enjoy watching romantic Movies -for instance - do they inspire her /give her a good feeling?? I've only seen men want to throw up, not too many women, but I could be wrong!

Yes... the Love Languages...do you know what she and you are... I would suggest buying these 2 books...(in this thread) ...Love languages test too...and going through them together.. to gauge where you 2 have been missing it.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



JustHer said:


> There is a test on the internet and a book you can buy on the "5 love languages". It might be interesting if the two of you took the test.
> 
> The 5 different love languages are:
> 
> ...



Thank you very much for your advice, do you recommend a website to take that quiz? 

Also, would it be in anyway offensive for me to suggest that my wife takes the quiz as well?


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## boredjoe560 (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok... something is seriously UP... but sounded good before !
> 
> When it comes to Romance... people define it in different ways.. I for one, could care less about flowers , cards and jewelry...I'd rather him not waste his money.... but I love his just spending time with me, cuddling, watching movies together, taking walks, laughing together...words of affirmation type thing..and I WOULD grow bored with a guy who didn't give me that.. that brightens MY WORLD...and it bonds us....
> 
> ...


m
Thank you very much for all this advice. It all sounds great to me, and will try to run it by my wife in the best way possible. 

I just took the one quiz from 5LoveLanguages and I scored very high for physical touch.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

I do not think it would be offensive to ask your wife to take the quiz. After all, you are asking her so you can learn what she needs.

It will be interesting for her too, as she will become aware of what her needs are and why she thinks she isn't "romantic".


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



JustHer said:


> I do not think it would be offensive to ask your wife to take the quiz. After all, you are asking her so you can learn what she needs.
> 
> It will be interesting for her too, as she will become aware of what her needs are and why she thinks she isn't "romantic".


:iagree:

And I suggest you let her know you will aim to use her preferred languages in future.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

IDK....

...I've often felt we are not aware of something until we're greeted by it's contrary...

...It almost sounds like she has met someone she's more romantically compatible with than you...


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

From what you said, and from my own experience (Only been with my H since 17, its been 12 yrs) a lot of your trouble is that you're young and busy, both of you. Your wife might be influenced by her friends because that happens when you're young, especially if you're feeling insecure about being experienced (it can feel that way at times when you haven't been with anyone else)
I'm happy to see that you are being supportive of your wife's needs instead of bitter, which I'm sure is hard. At least from your description, it sounds like she needs to figure out some things for herself and (hopefully) some intuition has led her to feel that some space would best help her work through issues. 
My experience from only dating then marrying young also included time apart. Granted, it was because when we met we lived in different states and were long-distance at first. Hard as it was, looking back I know it was the best thing for us. A solid partnership requires two solid people, and the space allowed us to develop as individuals, which is sooo important.
My 2 cents is to make the most of your current situation. 1-Make time for each other. Don't just let texting usually happen in the morning, be clear that you want to have that set time to communicate, and also make sure you have a day each week to see each other (like Friday lunch or something). This should help because it shows that you are supportive and committed, and makes you both communicate regularly which seemed to be an issue before.
2-Don't forget that you're young too, and you need to be strong in yourself. Work on being the best you, and don't obsess over exactly what your wife is thinking, because you can only work on yourself, no matter how supportive you are (btw, communicate that clearly too) Perhaps you will soon be two stronger people that will have an even stronger partnership.

Also, this is a real thing >> The quarterlife crisis: young, insecure and depressed | Society | theguardian.com


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

Hopefully, this is not happening because someone else is starting to make her smile and she's now growing feelings for this someone. Normally, that is the case. 

The 'I need to find myself', 'confused', 'question of romance', 'jealous of her girlfriends' + actually separating, sex went downhill, not texting like before = she's testing this new spark with another guy with you basically giving her the OK. 

This is normally how these things play out. I am not saying this is your case, but DO NOT assume 'everything' is what it is just because she says so. Normally, the SO will not tell you there is another person. 

You are a young man who is going to school. You have your whole life ahead of you. If she doesn't come back.. then you simply move on. If she does come back.. the ball is in YOUR court to continue the marriage or not. However, you will most likely never find out what REALLY happened while she was off on her own. 

This is always a tough situation but a majority of people go through this. Right now, the best advice is to work on you. Do not lose sleep. Keep doing what you have always been doing and just take it from there. There is really nothing else you can do at this point. 

Me? If a woman separated with me in marriage.. she would be served with divorce papers the next day.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

I married one of these types. Now, 33 years after meeting, sex has dropped to zero - six years of zero....but even before that it was never an adventure, always the same, unwillingness to try new things, have fun with it, always scheduled, always after the TV shows and before sleep.........I was her first, too.

IF it happens - permanent separation - it may turn out to be the biggest blessing of your life. However, at this juncture, talk to her and try and work things out - that's the best thing right now.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

I haven't seen anyone pipe up about him making himself more attractive to his partner through techniques commonly discussed in the men's forum. The 180 etc. I don't know them all, but that's usually one of the first things people suggest.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



breeze said:


> I haven't seen anyone pipe up about him making himself more attractive to his partner through techniques commonly discussed in the men's forum. *The 180 etc.* I don't know them all, but that's usually one of the first things people suggest.


Here is a thread I found on google with the list spelled out (keep in mind some of this is referring to infidelity ), >>



> Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums
> 
> 180
> 
> ...


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## x-ray (Jun 12, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

how does your wife usually resolve problems in the relationship? Does she usually talk to you and discuss things until they're resolved?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



boredjoe560 said:


> As the title says, my wife doesn't enjoy romantic things. Anything I try she says is awkward and doesn't enjoy it. However, she says that she wants to enjoy romance and intimacy, like her best friend and her bf. She is starting to have serious doubts about us


I was kind of like your wife in my first marriage. What I glean from your post is that your wife does not feel that "spark" for you, and when she hears about her best friend's relationship with her boyfriend, she feels envious. She feels as though something is missing in her relationship.

On one hand, she cares about you, admires you, respects you, but on the other hand, the "romantic movie feeling" is just not there. You bring stability, familiarity, security. 

In my case, the marriage ended in divorce. I don't want to be too pessimistic but I really believe that if the passion is lacking, the relationship is not sustainable, IF one person FEELS that they NEED that. 

You are both young. You have time to figure out what is right for you. Neither you nor your wife should feel like you are settling, or that you have missed out on something....


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

Sigh........7 year itch strikes again!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



breeze said:


> I haven't seen anyone pipe up about him making himself more attractive to his partner through techniques commonly discussed in the men's forum. The 180 etc. I don't know them all, but that's usually one of the first things people suggest.


The 180 is a tool to help YOU (the OP) to move on. It sometimes has the effect of making the other spouse realize what they're giving up. But that shouldn't be the primary purpose, in my opinion...

Second, if his wife is confused about the "romance" in their relationship, shutting down the emotional connection isn't likely to have the desired effect. Again, IMO.

C


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*

There's another man in the picture.
It really is that simple.
In what capacity? Take your pick, but he is there.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

*Re: I am my wife's only serious relationship, she's having doubts about "romance"*



The Cro-Magnon said:


> There's another man in the picture.
> It really is that simple.
> In what capacity? Take your pick, but he is there.


That simplifies it alot. And yes if there is another man in the picture, it answers alot of the questions.


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