# Borderline Personality Disorder



## IAdoreDogs (Aug 24, 2012)

I want to thank many on this forum for finally explaining what is wrong with my husband - Borderline Personality Disorder! 

After 14 years of marriage - every minute being a struggle - I finally have something to throw back at people who say, "It takes TWO to make a fight, dear". UG!!!

Over the years, we have seen two different marriage counselors (one of whom was convinced by my H's polished act that it was ME that was the problem). One was fantastic and read both of our "weaknesses" right off - my husband ran from that one and didn't look back! I went myself for 4 months and made some good progress. I also was successful in getting my husband to go to a clinical psychologist himself - purportedly for treatment for his ADHD. If he told my husband he had BPD - my husband never told me. The story I heard was that it was "anxiety". He never went for his 3rd appt. with that guy either.

Now that I've read up on this disorder, I've had a lot of lightbulb moments. I believe my mother was also BPD. Her fuse was microscopically short and she would blame my brother and I for millions of things that had nothing to do with us while she threw everything around the house. Afterward, we were expected to clean it up. I was always a modest child and on several occasions my mother, in a rage, threw both of us out of the house onto the street in pajamas or a swimsuit. I carry a lot of insecurity, anxiety, and depression from that upbringing and that's what I worked on with the counselor. Unfortunately - I ran out of money and also hit a cognitive snag so I stopped going. 

But wow - talk about repeating a relationship! I always saw similarities between my husband and my mother, but never realized it could actually be a mental disorder. 

I'll give some background: This is my second marriage. My first husband was a nice guy but loved the social circuit and 6 years in decided that he'd rather be single. We have a child together and were divorced when she was 2 1/2. When she was 5, I began to date again. I was very careful and she never met any of my dates as most were just not right for me. I met my husband, and typical of a BPD'r (now that I know) - he swept me off my feet and purportedly LOVED my daughter. I saw some anger events directed at his family members, but figured that was just how his family worked. Nothing was ever directed at me - until shortly after we married. I got pregnant unintentionally (I had been told I was in early menopause!) and that's when the nightmare began. Because I got pregnant, I lost my job (never mind the legality of that - I had a lot on my plate). 

From that time on - my husband was severely verbally abusive to me and severely abusive to my daughter. My daughter had learning disabilities and managing her school life was a full time job. My son was a fussy baby and a hyper toddler. I lived on the brink of a nervous breakdown. With the 3 of them, I never felt I could go back to work - there was just too much juggling to do!

I NEVER wanted to be in a marriage where I fought with my spouse in front of the kids. I grew up in that environment and it was hell. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid an argument with my H. He throws insults, name-calls, works OVERTIME to push that button that will set me off. He is SCREAMING the whole time! He WANTS the conflict. I cherished family dinners growing up - but almost every family dinner in 14 years has ended in the screaming of my H and someone in tears. I took a church class on being a supportive wife, so for 6 months I would just let him yell. I would not say a word, just stand there and listen. Did he stop? NO Did he yell for less time? NO Did he find it strange that I just stood there? NO. He was on a roll and the insults just continued to fly. So much for the "It takes two to make an argument, honey" claim.

As for my daughter - she's scarred for life. She grew up in a house where she was insulted, belittled, screamed at, pushed around, and called names like "stupid" "worthless" "*****" (started at age 12) continually. She is 19 and has never been interested in any boy. She says she's never getting married and never having kids.

Why didn't I leave? Why am I still here? I'll tell you why! I have met with a divorce lawyer twice and have faced issues from my previous divorce and here's what I know: NO ONE could have protected my son from his Dad when he was 5 if we were divorced and my son was on a visitation weekend while my husband flew into a rage over something. Also, my H is a heavy drinker and the rages always come then - so you have a DRUNK RAGER. Lovely and NOT a situation I was about to put my son into until he was old enough to protect himself. Unfortunately - this meant losing the wonderful relationship with my daughter that I could have had. I sacrificed one to save another. So sad!

I found this forum because I'm ready to leave. I feel my son can handle it and so can I. Unfortunately, this economy is keeping me stuck! I have been trying desperately for two years to get a job that will support me and I have not been able to find anything that I am qualified for. I have no family that can help. I feel that I really need a good job because I expect the fight over my son to be pretty intense, knowing my H, and to cost quite a bit of money. He is the vindictive sort, so he'll want to hurt me really good. 

In conclusion, I plan on keeping an eye on things here but just wanted to thank you for posting valuable information that has helped me to know what my next step should be.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

IAD, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm glad to hear that you found the BPD information here helpful. At risk of repeating some of what you read here in other threads, I offer several suggestions. As an initial matter, I recommend that you NOT tell your H. If he is a BPDer as you believe, he almost certainly would project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him.

Second, I suggest you get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_. Walking away from a BPDer can be very stressful because, as you already know, he likely will be very vindictive.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you, of course, is the "Leaving" board.

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is _"Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD"_ at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York.

Fifth, if you have not already done so, I suggest you read my brief overview of BPD symptoms in Maybe's thread, where Maybe and I share our experiences with our very abusive and unstable spouses. That description starts at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Take care, IAD.


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## IAdoreDogs (Aug 24, 2012)

Uptown said:


> I suggest you get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_. Walking away from a BPDer can be very stressful because, as you already know, he likely will be very vindictive.
> 
> Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you, of course, is the "Leaving" board.


Thank you for the welcome and great suggestions, Uptown! I had already looked at those threads when I'd stumbled upon this forum yesterday while surfing on my phone. I couldn't join to post then, but did a LOT of reading! 

Yes, my husband is a classic case. In fact, the reason I was motivated to seek information yesterday was because my H had called me on the telephone and I'd told him that I'd gone to the store. He hadn't told me we needed anything - I just went to pick up essentials I was aware of. He asked me if I got Ice Cream and chips, and when I said no, he started SCREAMING at me on the phone and calling me vile names. It is a seriously ridiculous situation and there really is no reason to remain in the company of such a person. I avoid him as much as possible.

I know him enough anyway to know not to tell him he is flawed (i.e.:"You have BPD"). I got around it before by encouraging him see a Clinical Psychologist for his ADHD. It was a bit of a stretch to convince him, but he did go. As I mentioned, he got nothing out of the 2 visits he went to and would not return.

Yea....if he's vindictive because I don't buy Ice Cream that I didn't know we were out of - it doesn't take much imagination to figure what he'll do if I walk out. I CAN say that if I walked out and went on welfare he'd be a little nicer, since he could snivel about what a loser I am. But if I get a job, walk out, and stand on my own two feet I think he'll kill himself trying to take me down. He doesn't tolerate losing AT ALL.

I had seen the mention of the "Walking on Eggshells" book and the one you mentioned here. I will definitely look into getting them!

As for the BPDfamily.com forum. I have just joined. What a fantastic resource and THANK GOD for it! I have been looking for such a thing for the last 14 years for sure and such a forum would have helped me deal with BPD experiences with my mother as well. A lifesaver at last!!!! 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing such valuable information, Uptown!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

IAdoreDogs said:


> I had seen the mention of the "Walking on Eggshells" book and the one you mentioned here. I will definitely look into getting them!


Yes, both books are excellent and are written by the same author, Kreger. The _Eggshells _book is the best-selling book on BPD targeted to the partners and family members who have to contend with the behavioral problems. The second-best-selling book of that type is _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!_

In addition to the BPDfamily articles, another excellent source of information is that provided by therapist Shari Schreiber. Of her many excellent articles about BPD, my favorite is the one explaining why people like you and I -- i.e., excessive caregivers -- are so attracted to BPDers to begin with. That article is at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. 

This attraction is important to understand because, otherwise, we are at great risk of walking away from one BPDer to run right into the arms of another. As Schreiber explains, the BPDers are NOT hunting us down. Rather, WE go looking for them because we have such a powerful desire to be needed.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I am reading quite a good book at present, my estranged is narcissistic, the book is "stalking the soul" by marie-france hirigoyen.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also read "splitting" which is about divorcing a BPD. I'm
sorry you and your children have had to go through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IAdoreDogs (Aug 24, 2012)

Thank you, Uptown - more great suggestions! I can certainly relate to the role of excessive caregiver! I really do like to be needed 

Thank you for the suggestion, Cloudwithleggs. I did consider my husband narcissistic and read up on that.....but what I found was so general. I'll look into that book - perhaps it is more of what I need to read.

Thank you for your compassion, diwali123  I believe we choose our life journeys (not that I've like it!). I'm trying to choose different circumstances from this point on


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