# good girl syndrome?



## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

i need help figuring out if i am doing something wrong.

after my husband and i married, we both agreed that hanging out with opposite sex friends (away from our spouse) was unhealthy for our marriage. i’m not sure if i completely believe that but i went along with it. even though we had this agreement, i have kept men as friends and began new friendships, but wouldn’t tell my husband about it. why? do i believe he wouldn’t understand….. do i want my cake and eat it too…… or do i feel that these relationships are inappropriate?

most of these male friends have always been through work, however one is a neighbor. i have known him for a couple years. my husband and this friend were recently introduced to each other at a neighborhood gathering. my friend told my husband that he and i knew each other…. ouch, busted!

when my husband and i talked about it, he asked why i didn’t tell him about my friend? i became very defensive and insisted that it is an innocent friendship with fun, easy and light-hearted conversation….. however, i would often ask about his wife, but he never brought up my husband and neither did i…. does that mean anything? 

since my friend and i both have toddlers the same age, all the time i have spent with him has been at functions/activities within our neighborhood. until recently, i would only run into him once or twice a month. however, over the summer i have seen him, sometimes as much as 2-3 times per week. I did not plan any of the meetings nor did we communicated in between the times we saw each other. 

i have always believed that he is just a friend and knew i would never let this go anywhere. i justify it as nothing serious…. but why didn't i tell my husband about it or talk about my husband to this friend?

i have been trying to figure out why i don't tell my husband about these friends and why i even feel the need to have them. i have been doing some reading and wonder if i may have the "good girl syndrome". i am not sure how much of what i am doing is part of that? 

any words of wisdom?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are talking _around_ the issue.

What is your marriage like? You happy? Still have the hots for hubby?

Do you want more from any of these friendships? Do you want to interact more? Talk more? Share more? 

Are you looking to fill gaps in these opposite sex relationships that are present in your marriage?

There is a difference between having friends, and interacting with colleagues or even neighbors.

We can't tell you why. But we can probably help you tell yourself.



blondie2010 said:


> i need help figuring out if i am doing something wrong.
> 
> after my husband and i married, we both agreed that hanging out with opposite sex friends (away from our spouse) was unhealthy for our marriage. i’m not sure if i completely believe that but i went along with it. even though we had this agreement, i have kept men as friends and began new friendships, but wouldn’t tell my husband about it. why? do i believe he wouldn’t understand….. do i want my cake and eat it too…… or do i feel that these relationships are inappropriate?
> 
> ...


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

As far as I'm concerned the principal problem is that you lied to your husband. Now, he has good reason to be suspicious of you, and it's going to take some work for you to build trust with him.

All of this could have been averted if you had said, "you know, maybe it's a step too far to say we can't have any opposite-sex friends at all. Maybe what we ought to do instead is talk to each other and be honest with each other about our friendships." That's hokey, I know, and you wouldn't actually say it that way, but you get the point.

As to why you haven't told your husband about the friends, who knows. Maybe you just feel badly that you agreed not to have them, and since you've broken that agreement you figured you could hide out. Of course, as with most dishonesty, now you have a bigger problem to solve.

The solution is to be honest. "I didn't like the agreement, and I broke it. It was really dumb and dishonest of me, and I want to figure out how to earn your trust again." That might be a start.

You might also take a look at the relationship you have with this other man. Are you falling for him a little? If you are, I'd really suggest you stop seeing him altogether, immediately. Do you know what his intentions are? Are you sending him signals that he might someday get into your pants?

Time for you to be honest with everyone, starting with yourself and your husband.


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

This is an interesting situation. The questions you should ask yourself is:
a) do you look for this friend at functions/gatherings?
b) do you spend more time to look attractive before going to those things?
c) does he make you feel good? ex soft flirting
d) would you mind if the roles were turned, your husband and his wife meeting like you guys do?

If you said yes to anyone of these questions, danger signs must come up. Avoid him rather than getting into something you don't want to. If not, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Men are everywhere, and you should let your husband know that even though there are millions to choose from, you chose him, and still choose him daily. The same for women, there are millions for him aswell, but he chose you.


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

_This is an interesting situation. The questions you should ask yourself is:
a) do you look for this friend at functions/gatherings?
b) do you spend more time to look attractive before going to those things?
c) does he make you feel good? ex soft flirting
d) would you mind if the roles were turned, your husband and his wife meeting like you guys do?_


a) may sound lame, but most of the time i was there first. but, he would always come to where i was. but, in fairness to your question, i didn't do anything to avoid him... he was my friend.
b) i don't feel i 'fixed up' special just b/c i might see him, but i also never felt like i had to.
c) yes.
d) my husband asked this same question. i told him that i would not like it if the roles were reversed.

i have stopped any communication with my friend, if for no other reason than out of respect for my husband. but, i said yes to at least 2 of your questions..... and i see how it looks, but why is it that i truly felt justified in believing that this was a harmless situation?

does anyone know anything about the 'good girl syndrome' and\or repression. i have read some articles on the internet today and i completely identify with a lot of these characteristics. i guess i'm trying to say that this situation has hurt my husband, whom i love deeply. although i am beginning to see that this had the potential to be a damaging relationship, it is still a little foggy.... but, more importantly why didn't i recognize the warning signs before it ever got started???


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

You are a friendly people-pleasing person. I can relate to your issue. Being a woman that's easy to talk to, is like a magnet for men. As you said, you have a lot of men friends, purely friendly and nothing more. This one was a bit different. The reason why, is that because you have this dinamic, feel good personality, this guy found something in you that he really liked. Other men would still be friendly but they have a limit which you're both comfortable at. This guy was testing the limits without really knowing he's doing it (or maybe he did, that's not the issue). Those times when he said something that made you feel "just a little uncomfortable, but it's really nothing, doesn't mean anything", that was the signals. You are naive in a good way, thinking the best of a person rather than the worst. You liked him too and still do probably, so you don't want to put him in the danger category. That's why you didn't tell your husband, you felt you needed to protect this friendship, making it as nothing, but still liking that it's there. 

Next time around, still be yourself, but don't give so much. Talk about his wife, excuse yourself to go mingle with others, or go to the ladies room. Stay in the crowd, don't be alone with him. Yes, you broke contact, but it's next to impossible if he's at most of the gatherings, not to see him ever again. Let it die a slow death naturally.

This was a lesson, because there will be many others. I've been married for 10 years, working in a man's world. Some guys try to send a message, but I just play ignorant and make nothing of it. That's the best tool to have. You'll pick up the signals more clearly next time. Yes, being a good girl, it's gonna be tough to give this guy the cold shoulder, but you need to do it. 
I hoped this makes sense.


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

i really appreciate each of your thoughts and comments on this... i am struggling with some of the answers to these questions... i don't know what is wrong with me that i can't just answer my husband's questions and help him see that i know i was wrong and that i won't let it happen again- that i won't hide anything from him again either. 

As for the unanswered questions above and to shed a bit more light on my personality- i love my husband deeply and feel i am very much in love with my husband- we have had our share of problems and trouble communicating with each other. He is a very open person about his emotions where i have trouble voicing them. There are times, most times, that my husband hasn't even known i was mad at him b/c i would just get quiet instead of chancing having a fight about it. when things are not settled btw us, i have trouble eating, sleeping, and functioning.. needless to say this is having its toll on me. i try to avoid confrontation whenever i can! i don't like to feel as if someone is mad at me, anyone male or female. I have a sense of needing to feel liked and that i do a great job at all i do. I am scared to try too many things that i don't feel comfortable with- afraid i will look like a fool. as for my marriage- i feel i have a wondeful husband- he is a great man! I haven't always felt he is interested in talking with me- the small stuff i need/ want to talk about he has glazed over or ignored me. Since our second child was born, we haven't done much to keep our relationship on the front burner- we have let our two children take the major role- that is what we talk about most of the time too. our younger child is very busy, talkative, and takes lots of time- by the time the chid goes to sleep, i usually am exhausted too. 

I want things to get better! i want to make it up to my husband that i didn't tell him about this and give him comfort it won't repeat itself. i know i am the one who has to answer some questions to myself and him about why i allow it to happen and why i didn't tell him!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You would benefit tremendously from therapy. Your marriage would benefit tremendously from your going to therapy.

Learning to stand up for, and express yourself - especially when uncomfortable are crucial.


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

we are in our third week of therapy right now. we are going together and have been very lucky finding a counselor we both really like and can connect with. 

i feel a real connect starting again with my husband! for the first time in our marriage we are both really able to talk to one another. 

i pray that this horrible situation will end up helping us get even closer and build an amazing connection and marriage!

my husband is so a beautiful man both inside and out!! i am very proud to be at his side! 

if anyone has more thoughts, i would be open to hearing them!


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

*Re: good girl syndrome? help!*

well, i am struggling still... i have been trying to come to understand while i have done some this... what was it that i thought i needed from this that i couldn't share it with my husband? on what level did i know it was wrong.. 

i have to say that i have not fully trusted my husband in the past- and used to beleive it was all him and the way he was raised- but now i am starting to wonder if i didn't trust him b/c i am scared of truly trusting someone... i love him with all my heart and want to make this work! i know he truly loves me and is showing me that he wants to make this work too.. he is trying to be patient. 

i am praying to open my eyes and hoping through deep mediation and thought i can grasp what it is that caused me to do this.. 

has anyone been here? any thoughts??


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I really wish to hear more women chime in on this one.

I am a man, and yes I have seen this many times from many women, and these things are in fact very common.

As a woman, you are going along with agreeing with your husband not to have men friends to avoid confrontation, not because you agree that it is a bad idea. 

But you see, to avoid confrontation in this life, in any and all areas, the only way to do this is dishonesty.

So you see, in so many of my posts to tell good men to stand up for themselves and stop being such a "nice guy", this is all just the same thing to tell them stop pretending to be something they are not. To stop being dishonest.

And in this same way, your post is the same thing, to encourage you to stop trying to be the "good girl", and if you are not agreeing with your man, do not say one thing and do another just to avoid conflict. 

Instead speak your mind in calmness and matter of factness, and so instead to say to your husband you are agreeing to something you are not and then needing to be secretive, this is the one main issue.

Lack of dishonesty in the relationship and now trust is needing to be rebuilt.

The other issue, is the unfortunate scenario where the dishonesty lead, which is the playing with fire that is always these ideas for a woman and man to be "just friends". In this I one hundred percent agree with your man, these are bad ideas and I hope from this experience you are seeing why. It is rarely an intention for someone to say they are looking for an affair, instead they start from these same things, playing with fire. 

Your situation is a two edge sword, to had to have the secrecy to hide dishonesty from your husband in the first place, is only kerosene on top of already playing with fire to develop man friends outside the marriage.

Understand this, you are a woman. No matter how much to love your man, if you are putting yourself in the situation to spending time with some other man there is potential to have emotional connection, this is playing with fire. 

Combine this with having to hide this from your husband from the very beginning because your husband and you already agree this is wrong, and you simply created perfect dry stack of wood doused with kerosene and juggling flaming torches just ready to ignite the flame of an emotional affair! Such as these things are always playing with fire.

The solution is this. 

First, stand up for yourself. If you are not agreeing with your husband, then say so, this is to work out decisions in your marriage that you both can respect, as instead if you are saying one thing and feeling another, this is only going to inside you build resentment toward your husband (this is the reason for the lack of trust issues you mentioned).

Second, when you do reach agreements, honor them. Do not sneak or hide things from your husband, this is clue that something is not right in the relationship. Even if you cannot honor agreement, then share with your husband. 

In a marriage it is ALWAYS better to be honest and admit and seek help, than to hide! 

THis way there is respect and security and trust, and not feelings of confusion and lack of trust and insecurity, which I am sure you are now feeling.

So in all this, do not beat yourself up for nothing, but the key is honesty, both to your husband to honor your agreements together, and honesty to your husban to stand up for yourself even to cause confrontation. 

Your husband I'm sure is a grown man so do not worry to hurt his feelings or think he won't like you. 

Instead he will be thrilled to see you stand for yourself and behave confident and strong, and not only is this leading to healthy honest communication, but also lighting a fire inside him, as no man is going to miss the attraction of a confident and self assured woman who is not going to hold herself back!

I wish you well.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

For Chinese culture, women are not suppose to have private conversation with men. 

If you are a married woman, no matter how justice your reason is, it is not a good idea for you to talk to another man rather than your husband. In public, with others, are OK, but not alone. I don't even feel comfortable talking to my husband's brother. 

On a discussion forum, I don't mind talking to men out in public for everybody to see what is going on. My husband doesn't mind me doing this either. But private messages, NO. My husband doesn't mind me telling everybody about our sex. He blocked one of the discussion forums I used to visit, because a lot of men were sending private messages to me. I was stupid that I felt the need to answer. Because I am polite. I don't hide anything from my husband. He can access to all of my accounts and emails and forums. He found out that men were sending me private messages, he didn't like it. He asked me not to go there any more. I have made quite a few friends there. But for my husband, for our happy marriage, I agreed not to go there any more, even though I have a very justified reason. Small things can lead to big things. My husband is smart. He put out the fire when it was still tiny. He loves me, he cares, he doesn't want me to do anything stupid. Even though we think we won't do anything silly, we are being too confident! 

In my real life, I don't talk to any other man rather than my husband. ( my boss and co-workers are women)


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Before I got married I always had guy friends. In fact I got along better with the guys than the girls, had more fun too. After marriage no guy friends, and I have to admit I miss it. Hanging out, getting loud, laughing at the stories.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: good girl syndrome? help!*

This focus on how you interact with other men does not make sense to me. Early on someone asked if you were attracted to your H, and whether you two have a good physical / sexual connection. You have not answered that question. 

Here's the deal. No matter how much or how little you talk with other men. Whether it is harmless chat, or something not so harmless, if you ignore your H sexually you are poisoning your marriage. The other stuff will amplify the poison but the real issue is how you prioritize HIM. 

It is ok to be tired some nights. It is not ok to create/maintain a schedule that prevents you from showing him you love him as a wife loves her husband. If that means you need to exert yourself to change your schedule, you need to do so. 

That said, if he is doing things in/out of bed that turn you off or failing to do things in/out of bed that turn you on, you are obligated to tell him. You can be nice about it, but be direct. He clearly wants this to work based on what you have written.



blondie2010 said:


> well, i am struggling still... i have been trying to come to understand while i have done some this... what was it that i thought i needed from this that i couldn't share it with my husband? on what level did i know it was wrong..
> 
> i have to say that i have not fully trusted my husband in the past- and used to beleive it was all him and the way he was raised- but now i am starting to wonder if i didn't trust him b/c i am scared of truly trusting someone... i love him with all my heart and want to make this work! i know he truly loves me and is showing me that he wants to make this work too.. he is trying to be patient.
> 
> ...


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

I am a female, and to me...it seems like since you didn't think that your neighbor friendship was serious or more than anything than just a friend so you didn't think it was important. Sometimes I will plan a lunch with another girlfriend and not tell my husband until after me and my friend have eaten lunch...I didnt tell him because I didnt think it was really important for him to know. My husband and I tell eachother pretty much everything but all of the tidbits arent necessary. So from what I hear it sounds like you considered your neighbor a friend and would run into him here or there and talk to him...(that isnt a big dea)!! My husband talks to our neighbors and doesnt tell me about it...usually it is another male neighbor, but the female ones are never outside!! 
-----But why you got defensive about when your husband asked you about it..is odd...what was there to be defensive about?? That is something to think about...did you maybe have interest in this neighbor? Or were you defensive about it because of the way your husband reacted to hearing about it? Was he mad at you..and get an attitude? If he did then I would have gotten defensive too. Also it seems to me that you are questioning yourself about why you didnt talk about your husband with this friend....you said that he never asked about your husband but you asked about his wife..so maybe because he didnt ask? Being friends with a neighbor by just running into at activities is harmless...it isnt like you call eachother and go to lunch and talk or text eachother..its not a big deal that you guys are friends like that. UNLESS you do have interest in him.....and still its not like your going out of your way to talk to this guy and call him etc.


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## nickles (Sep 9, 2010)

Okay, I just read some more of your posts rather than just your first one..in which i answered above...but now that I have read some more of your answers...

If this neighbor was flirting with you and he was the one coming over to talk to you..then I think maybe you just enjoyed the attention...what woman wouldnt?! It is natural!! But that being said you shouldnt have continued to to let that happen and lead him to think that you liked his attention because this just gave him a signal that "oh..she likes my attention and I am going to keep giving this to her" even if he didnt think that subconsciously he just kept going out of his way to come talk to you because you were receptive.

I think it is okay to have friends like that neighbors or men that are at your kids' activities just as long as it is pure friendly and each person isnt going out of their way to look good, and to talk to eachother..

But all in all, you shouldnt have hid it from him (if indeedthat is what you truley did) or if it was because it was just true friendliness and you didnt think anything more of the situation i can see why you wouldnt have brought it up...
where was your hubby at these activities and when you would run into him in the neighborhood?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

4sure said:


> Before I got married I always had guy friends. In fact I got along better with the guys than the girls, had more fun too. After marriage no guy friends, and I have to admit I miss it. Hanging out, getting loud, laughing at the stories.


I like talking to men. They are more fun. They laugh, joke and they make me happy. They don't complain or whine. They won't be jealous of me. Believe me, women are very jealous. I don't like it. Women are difficult to get along with. Because they are vain. They like to compare, and they don't like it if they lose. They are jealous. 

Unfortunately, I am a woman. I can't be friends with men because I am married.


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

there is something i need to clarify- i don't want my husband have female friends. i would not be comfortable with this. 

yes, i am very attracted to my husband. we have a decent sex life- i think my insecurities limit how good it could be.... 

i feel the need to have this male attention and i am struggling with expressing why. i know i have messed up but i have not been able to help my h feel i have accepted it and can keep it from happening again. i know i continue to let him down even though it isn't what i want to do!


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

things have taken a turn for the worse now! my H says he feels that i have had open relationships so now it is his turn to do the same thing- he says that i must want a "don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught" marriage. when he left this morning he said that he is planning on joining a website to find women who are interested in discrete relations. He said he has started looking and that since i have shown him i had my cake and ate it too that he feels it is his turn. i told him that i feel if he does this it is just another step back for us- he doesn't agree- said maybe it would help our marriage. i don't see how this can help things... i understand he is hurting and i have caused this hurt! 

this is not what i want! he and i have been together for over 10 years, and although its hard to admit, i have lied to him many times. i don't know why i do it???? because of this he now feels i have deep hidden secrets that i just won't tell him. I don't want to lie anymore about anything! today we began reading about compulsive liars- he feels this is where i am at- i don't quite see it as i have lied on my past and the inappropriate relationships with the neighbor and a supervisor. i have not lied about everything in our life or totally made myself up to be someone else- certain aspects i have but not my entirity. 

i ask for prayers that he will change his mind before it is too late and that he will consider still going back to counseling.... he said he doesn't plan to go anymore b/c he feels i still refuse to take responsibility for my actions therefore we are not making the progress he expected. I told him i disagree b/c we are both now able to talk more to each other- him w/o getting mad and me voicing more and not just freezing up. 

he says if i lived out 1-1/2 years of my life in this friendship that i should have the ability to explain why i did it.... but everytime he ask me about it i just lock up, i don't have all the answers he wants, but i do feel i have shown him i know where i was wrong but he doesn't feel it will change b/c he doesnt feel i have taken responsibility for it. I told him that i felt the need for conversation from a male b/c i felt when i talked to my h about the light stuff he just blew it off, ignored me. he said if it was that simple i would not have hid it from him for that long especially since i made it clear that i didnt want him to have female friends.

he asked me last night if was ever attracted to this neighbor and i told him yes b/c that is the truth but i dont feel that should matter b/c i knew i would never let this turn into anything... and i guess i should also mention that this neighbor may have made an aggresive move towards me at a neighborhood function. there was a lot of alcohol and it was later in the evening. most everyone else had left and he and i were helping clean up. looking back i think it was just he and i outside when he came up to me to say good night and i felt he REALLY invaded my space. i immediately stepped back and was freaked out. he just sdaid goodnight like it was no big deal so i tought i just read too much into it. lastnight i remembered this and told my husband about it. he thinks i had been sending signals or the neighbor wouldnt have done this but i truly dont feel i was ever sending any signals????


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Of course you were sending signals. You talked to him and hid it from your husband, you are/were attracted to him. Yep, people pick up on that stuff.

It appears like you feel your husband isn't meeting all your needs. Do you feel like he's your best friend? That you can talk to him about anything? Obviously not.

Tell him that if you can both start working towards this, then you'll have a lot more confidence in yourself. Just make a promise to not lie to him anymore and stick to it. It can be as simple as that, you just have to make that decision.

Also, let him know that if he wants to have female partners outside the marriage, that he may as well leave.


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## wmmaria (Sep 13, 2010)

This is a touchy subject, Is your husband the jealous type first? Me and my husband had friends before we got married and have made new friends whether at work or where ever. They knew both of us and talked to both of us. At first it wasn't all good because of how some his female friends acted toward me but once i let him know and them know how it was going to be as far as what I expected.You will find out what kind of friends some people really want to be also. I have to admit some of his friends no longer call anymore. Keep your relationship open to the point where you both can meet and interact with others as a couple.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

blondie2010
I can just tell you my thinking. I understand you for wanting male attention. I enjoy male attention too. Mine is not from real life. Mine is from discussion forums. But still same thing, we enjoy conversation with men. 

My husband is Canadian. We live in Taiwan. Asian women adore foreigners, and my husband is very handsome(not just in my eye, in people's eyes too.) 180cm, 155lbs, dark goatee, very handsome face, early 30's. If he wants to look for female attention, he can be a king surrounded by queens. I am an attractive woman, if I want to look for male attention, I can be a queen surrounded by intelligent men. But we know clearly marriage is not a game. After we are married, in order for us to have a happy marriage, we have to be sure not to do silly thing.
My husband and I have this silent agreement not to attract attention from the opposite sex. I told him not to joke too much with his co-workers. Sometimes we don't have any thinking in our mind, but other people like our conversation and they think that we like them, then they push themselves on us, it is only going to create problems for us.
I have told you what happened to me on that overseas Chinese discussion forum. My husband knows that I need friends, the sad part is I don't have any good friends in my real life. Talking to female friends, all the conversation is about complaining about their life, I can't take it, I am a happy person, my life is worked out pretty good, I solve my problems myself, I don't go to other people looking for sympathy. But I do need friends. It happens that I like talking to men. I can have intellectual conversation with men. But no matter how desperately I need friends, how good it feels having all the male attention I got. It is wrong. My husband asked me not to go to that discussion forum, I was just like a girl who had broken her mother's valuable vase. I could only say sorry. My husband was hurt even though nothing happened. I didn't even try to defend myself. I let him block the forum, I let him change the password for my email account. He created another account for me. We acted quickly. 
If nothing has happened between you and those other men, you can just go to your husband and apologize and promise things like will never happen again, and you really have to control yourself. If something serious had happened and your husband is suspicious, then your problem is really big. What he is doing is just trying to get even. 

Use your wisdom and work out your problem. Waiting for happy news!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Wow, I'm sorry that you're going through this, and even though I feel that you've really done nothing wrong, I can definitely see from his POV where he feels that you did. He feels that you are hiding something, and even though you did admit to him about the attraction thing and the need for male attention, he is still going to think that this is more than a "just friends" situation.
I do think that what he is doing (accusing you of covering up, threatening to go on websites) is very selfish and immature, I strongly suspect that there is something in his past which is rearing it's ugly head. He may have had a girlfriend before who was "just friends" with a guy, he trusted her and never said a thing about it so as not to appear controlling, and next thing he knows, she's dumping him for the guy she swore nothing was going on with. Happens all the time. He then felt like a complete sap for allowing it to happen, and swore to himself that it would not happen to him again, and now he feels that it IS happening to him all over again, and this time, he's not taking it passively-this time he's gonna fight.

You two need to call a truce, sit down and seriously talk about this with the counselor (incidentally, I suspect that the reason he doesn't want to go anymore is that the counselor will find out about his latest tactics, and he'll be one with some 'splainin to do, and he will lose the upper hand and control of the situation. I know, it would sure deter me from wanting to go!), and come to an agreement, a NEW one, because he feels you blatantly violated the old, and go from there.
I'm not condemning you or justifying him, but I do believe that you have a perfectly good marriage that's in trouble over some pretty petty things.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Blondie, your marriage is in deep, deep trouble. You need to own your lies and tell your husband ALL!!! My wife and I are on the verge of divorce, and all because she went to a co-worker for friendship, instead of coming to me. I have been working and grad school for a few years, in preparation for us having kids. My wife recently found out she cannot conceive and because she was afraid to tell me, and also because she felt that I already had too much on my plate (sometimes I'm working 16 - 18 hours a day) she began confiding in her (married) co-worker. They became friends and 6 months ago she and him went out after work to talk about her issues, they got drunk and had a sexual fumble in his car. She has confessed and both of them have been fired from their jobs and the co-worker has moved away, but that doesn't restore my trust in her. I never worried about her having guy friends, but now I'm wondering if anything like this has happened in the past. If you can't or won't tell your husband about any men friends you have, then those friendships are inappropriate. You need to restore honesty in your marriage or you won't have a marriage.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> The other issue, is the unfortunate scenario where the dishonesty lead, which is the playing with fire that is always these ideas for a woman and man to be "just friends". In this I one hundred percent agree with your man, these are bad ideas and I hope from this experience you are seeing why.


I have to disagree 150% with this. I agree with a lot above. Dishonesty is a killer. And I don't care if you are talking about taking out the trash. Lying is a killer or trust, later love. Not good.

BUT opposite sex friends is a matter of discussions within couples. Not everyone views opposite sex friendships as even the littlest bit risky. If both in the couple agree, then great! I know in our marriage, the idea of not being friends with someone simply because they were the opposite sex would be fully weird. Our honesty and faithfulness need no such binders! 

The issue comes into play when you don't agree. And here is something of a test of understanding and caring. If you can have conversations around this issue with love, listening, understanding and genuine caring, then in my opinion, that is the start of a mighty healthy marriage!




> It is rarely an intention for someone to say they are looking for an affair, instead they start from these same things, playing with fire.


I don't buy this. The ooops my **** fell into my friend is hooey. (Or gee I accidentally "fell" in nub.) People have affairs when their affairs aren't in order at home.


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## kimie (Sep 23, 2010)

get divorced....leave its easy


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## blondie2010 (Aug 31, 2010)

thanks for the advice kimie, but i prefer going to counsling with my husband and continue working to fix the areas in our marriage that got us here..... we are going to counsling seperately and together. sometimes the counsling can be hard, but it's worth the effort. 

we are both discovering some 'distorted' thought processes and why we have these thought processes and how to work towards correcting them.

i am very insecure. so much that i usually feel uncomfortable around most people. a constant worry that they are judging me. i have realized that around this neighbor i felt comfortable and relaxed. more than i do around my H or even close friends. that explains why i hid it from my H.

i told my H that the neighbor didn't know anything about me, so i didn't feel judged. my H asked if i have this same comfort with everyone i have just met.... the answer is no.

of course he asked why it came so natural with this guy? i really don't know why, it just did. the scary thing is that i now see a different side of the neighbor. he is probably not the 'nice' guy i thought i saw.... or wanted to see????

but things are very calm now. we are acting like a family again and we are both working hard to make things better.


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## OpenMindedGuy (Oct 8, 2010)

Blondie, it seems as though you both have serious trust issues. I don't mean to be judgemental but it would seem that you are interested in other men. It could be that you are simply just a friendly person but I think there is a deeper level of unhappiness in your heart and you need to work that out for yourself.


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