# Serious problems with her!!



## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

I found out last weekend that my wife was sexually abused in childhood. That's the reason she doesn't want to have anal sex anymore and doesn't enjoy giving me blowjobs. She cried so much, so much. 
She needs help. How can i help her?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Get her into IC. She needs a professional to help her deal with these issues. These are not ones to sweep under a rug.

Bless her heart, I know how she feels. But, help can really work. I'm pretty darn normal now with only a few flare ups every now and again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married? How long did you date before marriage?

Yep, get her into individual counseling with someone who is an expert in abuse recovery.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Encourage her to start therapy. Don't ask questions about it but let her know you are willing to listen to more when she is ready.

Demanding more info, more details only makes her feel interrogated. While it is very natural and normal to want to know as much as possible, there is far too much shame to be able to fully reveal even after years of therapy.

We go through cycles once we start to heal. Sometimes we become obsessed with thinking about it and we need to talk, write, or read. Then we refuse to talk, think, write or read and want nothing to do with those memories. This is normal. Just go with it. Let her be the lead on this topic. One of the fastest ways to send me into a rage is to insist I talk about it. That is mine and I decide when to bring it out and when to shove it back!

Get some books for spouses.
Amazon.com: Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse eBook: Laura Davis: Kindle Store

This one for her when she's ready.

Amazon.com: The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Third Edition) eBook: Wendy Maltz: Kindle Store


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I was sexually abused as a child, and I am pretty normal now. There is hope and with caring and sensitivity and counseling, she can get past this. The most important thing for you to remember is if there is something she does not want to do because of bad memories or flashbacks, respect her feelings and don't insist that this isn't fair to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Another book suggested: "Haunted Marriage".

You should seek some individual counseling too. This is going to be a bumpy ride for both of you.

Realize that the abuse itself may have been for only a short time or of seemingly minor acts, or it may have been much much worse. Either way, the emotional trauma is going to be huge. She is likely not able to understand sexuality in the same way as other adults. For her, sex may not be at all a comforting or pleasurable experience. She may not understand that you are expressing love when you want to have sex.

You have no need to know any of the details of what happened to her. You are not qualified to be her therapist! I think you should tell her that you are there to support her, and if she wants to talk about any of it with you, you will be there for her. But mostly what needs to be established is her being able to safely communicate to you when she is feeling triggered or upset or uncomfortable.

Realize, too, that for many children their experience is that they told a supposedly trusted adult (e.g. parent) about it but then that adult told them to keep it a secret. Or worse, the adult put some kind of blame or shame on the child.

So you have to be nonjudgmental when she talks to you. Be sure to never say anything which might be taken, even incorrectly, as you judging her actions at the time or judging her worth today.

Working with her counselor you should strive to set up some safe words and safe gestures she can use if she is feeling triggered.

I suggest no sex with her unless she genuinely wants it, until you get some guidance from her therapist. Be alert when you hug her, cuddle with her, kiss her, or have sex with her, for any body language that she is stressed or checking out. If she turns her head away, for example, or if she pushes you away.

She may not be able to verbalize to you when she is triggering, and she may not recognize her discomfort herself.

There's a good chance there are triggers other than specific sex acts. Smells, songs, time of day, nicknames, places, etc. Now that you know of her abuse, review things she has told you she doesn't like. For my wife there is one specific song and a couple of candy items which are associated. So I stay far away from those.

Good luck.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long have the two of you been married? How long did you date before marriage?
> 
> Yep, get her into individual counseling with someone who is an expert in abuse recovery.


We're six years of marriage, and dated about months before get married.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Encourage her to start therapy. Don't ask questions about it but let her know you are willing to listen to more when she is ready.
> 
> Demanding more info, more details only makes her feel interrogated. While it is very natural and normal to want to know as much as possible, there is far too much shame to be able to fully reveal even after years of therapy.
> 
> ...



I proposed her to see one of our female church pastor who is a psychologist, i think she might help her. I made many questions to her and made her suffer but i stoped, never mentioned nothing at all. It's up to her now.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

mace17 said:


> I was sexually abused as a child, and I am pretty normal now. There is hope and with caring and sensitivity and counseling, she can get past this. The most important thing for you to remember is if there is something she does not want to do because of bad memories or flashbacks, respect her feelings and don't insist that this isn't fair to you.


I will try, thanks!


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

About out sex life, the only issues is about oral and anal sex. Our first year of marrige was tough, she was virgin, but after the first year we made our sex better, i read books about female sexuallity, we began to help each other and got developed, she has orgasms with me, we have a good sex life. I complain about oral and anal but i'll try to forget and try to understand her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need to just put anal out of your mind. If she was penetrated anally to ensure virginity, it was a violent, humiliating, and terrible ordeal and frankly, there are very few women who enjoy it.

Why not shove a dildo up your rectum, then have her tell you she loves you, and see if you find that sexually appealing? I bet you cringe at the thought, right? So why do men think women have to be opened from all orifices for their pleasure?


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

I would seek out therapy with someone trained to deal with childhood sexual abuse.

It is possible to recover and even to enjoy sex in all forms (PIV, anal and oral) after trauma but it takes a process to heal and recover from this that only a professional can assist. Often religious counseling comes with some shame and such involved (not all).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lfortender said:


> About out sex life, the only issues is about oral and anal sex. Our first year of marrige was tough, she was virgin, but after the first year we made our sex better, i read books about female sexuallity, we began to help each other and got developed, she has orgasms with me, we have a good sex life. I complain about oral and anal but i'll try to forget and try to understand her.


I find it odd that it's only after more than 6 years together that a problem is coming up.

Has she not wanted anal for a while and you keep pushing her for it? So finally she needed a reason that you would pay attention to?

As others have said, most women do not like anal. Most women will not even allow anal on them. And we know that most men will not allow it on them either. Why is that we accept that men can refuse anal but then some think that there is a problem when women refuse it? Makes no sense.

Anal can be very very painful. It can cause permanent damage too. If she does not like it, you have to accept that.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Tomara said:


> Get her into IC. She needs a professional to help her deal with these issues. These are not ones to sweep under a rug.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This....just do it.


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