# Am I the problem?



## peichun (Sep 29, 2014)

My husband and me got married for 2 years. He's 47, from Asia, and lives in US for 20+ years. I'm 38, moved here since we got married.

Actually, my mother language is not English, so I was worried that I can't find a job here. I asked him if he can find a job in Asia before we getting married. He said NO and asked me to quit my job and move to CA. And promise I don't need to work here.

But 1 year ago, he began to complaint I don't work and he's the only one make money. He already know I can't get a job here before we get married, and now he's complaining about it. 

Yesterday, He rise these issues again. He said he's the main income source, he's the only one can make the decision. And he complained I don't treat him like family, I don't do any contribution to this family. In this case, he thinks I should leave because I don't belong to this family.

I explained
* Job
it's you asked me to quit my job, because you didn't want to move back to Asia. And he promised I don't need to work anymore.
His reply: He never said he wanted me to quit my job.
(murmur: if I didn't quit my job, how can you enjoy a marriage life; if I can work, why you pay for my insurance for 3 years)

* Treat him like family
I said I always accompany you do whatever you want, travel, hiking, movie...etc. But he doesn't even want to accompany me to do most of things I want. Whenever I asked him help, he always behaved impatient and gave temper on me. He's always alone by himself after work, I think to accompany/support him is the best thing I can do. Actually, his friends wouldn't go travel with him even have a dinner, because he really good at pissed people off, never listen to people. This is told by a friend.
His reply: how come accompany him is the way I treat him like a family? He said I exaggerated everything.

* No contribution to the family
I need to do all the house chores, cooking, do laundry, clean the house, grocery shopping(he hates this). Because I learned driving since last year, that's when I can go out by myself. Personally i think, If I didn't marry him, he needs to take all these jobs by himself.

His reply: he needs to do the below (I think it's really nothing to do)
filling salt in water softener(2 times/year), 
removing wild grass in the yard(1 straw only, and once a year), dealing with HOA(actually we only need to pay HOA fee, I don't know anything to do with HOA),
replacing water filter(once per 2 year), 
bank accounts, loans,(everything are automatic transfer) 
rental home (we have property management), 
tax filing (he hired an accountant)

Finally, he said if he were me, he won't fight for these and will just leave.

Anyone can tell me what's the problem


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like he tricked you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

He's most likely found another woman.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

How did you two meet? Was it arranged? Did you meet through a website?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you give more details on your work situation? Can you get work here? If you leave him, will you be able to stay in US? Will you want to move back home?


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## peichun (Sep 29, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> How did you two meet? Was it arranged? Did you meet through a website?


we were introduced by a friend.


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## peichun (Sep 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> Can you give more details on your work situation? Can you get work here? If you leave him, will you be able to stay in US? Will you want to move back home?


For now, I'm waiting for my 10 years green card, it's been approved.
Before getting married, I used to work in Asia, good salary and a team leader position. I told him I don't want to quit because I don't think my English speaking ability is good enough to communicate with people, so it will be difficult for me to find a job here.

After coming here, I need to get used to live here and learn driving. There were times when I need help, my husband always show me impatient and didn't want to help me.

If I leave him, I think it would be hard for me to find a job whether in US or in Asia. In the country I'm from, if you didn't work over 6 months, you got less and less chance to find a job. Plus, my previously job was a manager position with pretty good pay. I don't think I can find a similar job anymore. It's also a dilemma to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would locate one of those places that teaches you English, sign up, and start spending every day there, until you're fluent in English. Once you've got that handled, sign up for a driver's education class and start practicing until you can get anywhere you want to go. And once you've done that, start applying for work. The problem here is that he wants you to be dependent on him. It's up to you to change that.


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## peichun (Sep 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> I would locate one of those places that teaches you English, sign up, and start spending every day there, until you're fluent in English. Once you've got that handled, sign up for a driver's education class and start practicing until you can get anywhere you want to go. And once you've done that, start applying for work. The problem here is that he wants you to be dependent on him. It's up to you to change that.


Thanks for your advice, that's one of my plan, too.

I'm not sure if I don't work here is the real reason why he asked me leave. He always change his mind, ex the job thing, he asked me to quit and promise I don't need to work. I can't expect what will he complains the next if I got a job. Don't do the house chores?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, I'm sure he expects you to work AND do the house chores, if you decide to work.


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