# frusting ... and lost



## mrburns (Mar 3, 2014)

hey hey,
so i just joined this forum and i was hoping i could get some advice..

so i really suck at communicating verbally.. my love language is definitely NOT words of affirmation or words period.. 

I am very passive and laid back person and this translates to my marriage.. i am very chill, i cook, i clean, laundry, and by reading that my love language is acts of service... i don't do it to prove a point, i don;t do it cause my wife forces me to or anything i just do it cause it's our house and our family ..

My wife's #1 love language is words... and i know that.. but i just can't seem to get it out of me..

i wouldnt say our marriage is bad.. it's actually GREAT.. BUT when she's mad oh mann... i wouldn't even want that on my worst enemy... 

to make it short.. the anology i have given her and the one i like is that it feels your getting your butt whooped to the ground and ur still getting hit on the ground and everytime u get up u get hit... but at the sametime expected to get your head on straight and talk..

she throws in snippy remarks "if you can't do this right.. then do that.. at least be good in one thing" 
or
"can you do this.. oh wait you never do it well so nevermind"

when she gets mad and yells i curl up into a ball of silence.. not because i want to but:
a) i'm so hurt on the things she says
b) if i open my mouth she will attack me
c) if i don't open my mouth i get remarks like "yah that's what i thought.. u have nothing to say"

there are more points.. but to her benefit its partly my fault.. maybe my communication is that bad that after a huge fight yesterday she's been giving me silence saying "it's too late, u had all day to talk to me and u didn"

i was just so hurt that someone that loves me can treat me like the way she did.. but on the other hand i did say things to push her buttons.. 

we were setting stuff up and i told her "why can;t u do it faster" it was mostly a joke but she can't handle those JOKINGLY remarks.. cause they do have some meaning behind it..

so i am at work today and she reads my messages but doesn't reply.. i know i just need to say the things i need to say directly and strongly without getting mad.. but sometimes its so hard.. 

she's very strong in personality and very A Type.. how do u talk to someone like that? mind you i had and still slightly have a very low self esteem and by her saying the things she does doesn't really help.. but at the same time because i am so unsure in my communication i can see how frustrating it is for her..

sorry if this seems all over the place.. but i just needed to hear some experiences and advice.. 

she thinks i don't care because i don't say anything .. but in reality i care for her more then anything.. she'd rather see me communicate that then show her...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Unfortunately you take lessons from parenting. WHEN you can speak to me in a calm and respectful manner, THEN we can talk. You need some effective limit setting to get out of the fear pattern, IMO.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ooops. I am not a man. Was I not supposed to reply here?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Unfortunately she probably sees you as weak. That is probably causing her to be frustrated and resentment. The weaker you act, the more frustrated she gets and the more resentment builds up, which leads to disrespectful treatment of you.

Some women (not all, but some!!) need a man who can take the lead and direct the relationship. I know I do! I don't want to be mistreated and taken advantage of, but I definitely want/need a take charge man. This is very un-PC I know, but my H would never stand for me talking to him like that. And if he did I would lose respect for him. Conversely, he doesn't talk disrespectfully to me either. The balancing act is you have to show that you value her opinions thoughts and contributions to the marriage and don't try to run over her.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

In your current state, as the less verbal partner, it probably seems that you will never verbally hold your own with her. That's okay. It's not about who talks faster or louder or longer! You can say what you feel in a simple sentence that begins to reclaim your self-esteem:

"I don't deserve to be treated this way!"

That's a simple declaration of fact. No argument needed. Then walk away. 

Understanding your boundaries can take a while if you've never thought about it before. But if she says something that is hurtful to you, she's pushed up against one of them. You have a right to determine what they are. You don't have to let her trample all over them. You don't have to put up with disrespect if you don't want to.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Hi Burns,

I found this site after a painful and protracted break up with my ex because I couldn't understand where I had gone wrong.

Like you, I was loving, attentive and devoted and, like your wife, my ex seemed to resent what I perceived in myself to be an exceptional degree of patience and 'understanding'.

If you haven't read the stickied thread at the top of the page entitled 'the man up and nice guy references', I encourage you to do so meticulously because you're displaying all the characteristics of a 'nice guy'.

So we're nice guys and that's no bad thing but it can be pretty unforgiving if you wind up with a conflicting personality. Your wife isn't the sort of character who is likely to be willing or able to adjust her instinctive behaviour to accommodate your increasing hyper-sensitivity.

Incidentally, if you don't familiarise yourself with the concept of 'sh*t tests' and 'manning up' soon, you're going to end up in a world of hurt (to which I'm sure many here would reluctantly attest).

I recognise all the signs - the walking on egg-shells, the increasingly eccentric preoccupation with domestic chores as a tenuous affectation of self-control, the confusion, the self-doubt.

In many cases, the partner feels so utterly repelled by your feebleness and having lost all respect for you, they seek gratification from alternative volunteers.

Don't let it get to that point because unless you're exceptionally forgiving and/or have the unique ability to selectively disown/discard unwanted memories, you will never be able to wind the clock back.

So my suggestion: Empower yourself! Read up on 'nice guys', 'manning up' and 'sh*t tests'.

On a personal note, I never managed to reconcile my relationship because:

a) I strongly suspect she slept with my (ex-)best friend.
b) I couldn't be consistently assertive with her because her wimpering, weeping performances were so convincing I just felt even worse about myself.
c) When I did manage to 'divorce' myself from her permanently, it was because I'd learned to despise every flaw in her character and every cosmetic blemish she displayed.

I highly recommend, you just assert yourself whilst you still have a chance and, if at all possible, try to suppress your feelings whilst you do it or she'll sense your insincerity and call your bluff.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Applejuice said:


> Hi Burns,
> 
> I found this site after a painful and protracted break up with my ex because I couldn't understand where I had gone wrong.
> 
> ...


Congratulations AJ. You have given me hope.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

RClawson said:


> Congratulations AJ. You have given me hope.


lol Thanks RC, I always think my outpourings sound a bit depressing when I read them again but I suppose if there's any chance that someone may find them useful, it was worth the arthritis


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It took me maybe 10 years to finally learn to say "I will not let you speak to me in that tone" with authority and confidence. You have to get over your fears of her and of rejection by her, and be willing to take the risk of her responding negatively and not be afraid of that. But if you learn to stand up for yourself, she will probably respect you more.


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## mrburns (Mar 3, 2014)

wow.. thanks everyone!! VERY VERY encouraging and helpful!!

Yes i need to change something before she looses hope in me and my character..

she is forgiving now but who knows what will happen if i keep this up.. 

i would like to thank you all as the moment i got home from work i just gave her a big smile and a big hug and told her something deeper then just the "apologizing for thing she might have gotten mad at" when the issue was deeper..

we had a talk and everything is good for now.. but definitely needs some action.. she needs a lot of verbal affirmation .. sometimes keeping it short and sweet isn't enough.. she needs to have a long connecting emotionally supporting talk.. 

i will definitely read the sticky as i am that "mr nice guy".. 

thanks again everyone!


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