# Helllllllpppp!!!!



## Muskokapuss (Jun 6, 2010)

I need to know what other people think about this, I keep being told it's all in my head and frankly I'm about to lose it! A few years ago my husband was bowled over by a younger (than me) blond girl, we even moved her into our rental house (to get away from a supposed abusive boyfriend), I didn't know how he felt about her when I agreed she could move in I just wanted to help a young mother get away from an abusive boyfriend, well he kept going over there constantly, to "fix" imaginary things that weren't broken......this went on for a period of months and then she finally called me and said "Your husband is creeping me out, keep him the hell away from me", well you can just imagine the fireworks at our house....Wellll it's happening again, a little blond girl at the kung fu club is like an alley cat, she see's a man, she will go out of her way to flirt with him, (needed background info) the hubby had a heart attack in Feb, and I believe he is going through a midlife crisis, where he needs his ego stroked, only problem is that he's not coming to me for the stroking, if you get my drift, We are in councelling, but I'm just so hurt that he's doing this AGAIN!!!, of course he denies it, he still denies the first one, but I know in my heart, why haven't I left his sorry butt you ask, well, we have a 10 year old son with Autism/ADHD and I don't want my family to break up, I've tried everything, I don't think I'm bad looking, I used to be a lingerie model/wedding gown model, so I can't be that bad, I've recently lost 40lbs so I'm back to my wt. before I had my son.....am I just being an idiot?? I shouldn't have to go to kung fu everytime to babysit my husband, who keeps saying, nothing is happening, I love him, but I can't just keep putting up with this, I sure hope that the counselling can help..we'll see, any input would be greatly appreciated!!! This is just killing me. I doubt myself daily, I just feel so damned alone.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I would suggest showing his butt how it feels, but most people would disagree with that. It's up to you.

Some people will blame you and say you are at fault and ask what it is you are not giving him at home, but I disagree it is your fault necessarily. However, I do wonder why you are in counseling and for how long. You didn't tell us anything about your marital problems, his complaints, or your complaints except that he is a hound. So tell why you began counseling.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Some people will blame you and say you are at fault and ask what it is you are not giving him at home, but I disagree it is your fault necessarily.


It would be a very unwise thing to blame the Loyal Spouse for the actions of their Disloyal - nor would it ever be correct to say that it is the Loyal Spouse's fault for the affair - the responsibility for the affair (fault, blame, etc.) always lies completely and 100% on the shoulders of the individual making the decision to cheat. Everyone is individually responsible for their own actions. In the case of an affair, there is always the choice NOT to indulge - as much as there is a choice to do so.

I would say that it is NEVER the fault of the Loyal Spouse that the Disloyal chooses to cheat. It is ALWAYS the fault of the Disloyal. 

Having said that, what is not being said is that most affairs _do not happen in a vacuum._ That is, there is almost always something amiss in the marriage PRIOR to the affair - such that it becomes an option that seems to offer a solution. 

Hence the idea of counseling here, I assume. 

My guess, however, is that in this case, your hubby is very self centered - he believes that his manhood is tied up in the attention of other women. In this case, he is not aware of the meaning of the word commitment. He COMMITTED to you when he married you - and that is what he needs to learn...


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though there are plenty of problems at work here--or you and the spouse wouldn't be in counseling. But, as for the problem presented here....It's not in your head! Please don't buy into that one. Who's telling you, "It's in your head"?
I'm sure it's the husband. I've been there, done that. My estranged husband about had me convinced I was crazy at one point. It's a bad feeling!

His attraction to the young, blond women has nothing to do with how you look. He is having a mid-life crisis and his ego craves attention. Being desired by one of these women is kind of euphoric for him. You should have seen the "high" that gave my estranged husband. My estranged husband made a fool out of himself!


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> It would be a very unwise thing to blame the Loyal Spouse for the actions of their Disloyal - nor would it ever be correct to say that it is the Loyal Spouse's fault for the affair - the responsibility for the affair (fault, blame, etc.) always lies completely and 100% on the shoulders of the individual making the decision to cheat. Everyone is individually responsible for their own actions. In the case of an affair, there is always the choice NOT to indulge - as much as there is a choice to do so.
> 
> I would say that it is NEVER the fault of the Loyal Spouse that the Disloyal chooses to cheat. It is ALWAYS the fault of the Disloyal.


I think it is too bad so many people here say it is the fault of the injured spouse.



Tanelornpete said:


> Having said that, what is not being said is that most affairs _do not happen in a vacuum._ That is, there is almost always something amiss in the marriage PRIOR to the affair - such that it becomes an option that seems to offer a solution.


Yes, and that's just another way of saying it is the fault of the injured spouse. It's still suggesting/indicating there must be marital problems and the cheater is unhappy at home, which blames the injured spouse for the cheater's unhappiness.

I would agree with the premise if it were necessary in this case to introduce and suggest. Except that you turn around to say..............



Tanelornpete said:


> My guess, however, is that in this case, your hubby is very self centered - he believes that his manhood is tied up in the attention of other women. In this case, he is not aware of the meaning of the word commitment. He COMMITTED to you when he married you - and that is what he needs to learn...


..............when this is more obvious as being the problem. The woman basically describes a c*ckhound but has to be told it is probably her own fault. Incredibly unfair to her.


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Susan, you are introducing an additional proposition into the argument which does not exist in the original syllogism. I do not use that proposition, your objection is to a straw man.

The Disloyal Spouse is always (100%) responsible for their actions, and are 100% at fault for choosing the affair. They choose one action over and against another action. It is that choice that makes THEM responsible. 

Even if things are absolutely rotten at home, an affair is NEVER the ONLY option available. There are many other alternatives. They could simply shut up and put up with troubles at home, they could seek counseling, and on and on. Instead, they choose to cheat. That is single and solely THEIR choice - and hence, THEIR responsibility.

The Loyal Spouse in _no way_ causes the choice, nor are they _in any way_ responsible for the actions of their spouse. 

For your objection to be valid, my propositions would of necessity include the following: "the Loyal Spouse CAUSES the Disloyal Spouse to choose 'X' instead of 'Y'," and "the Loyal Spouse is responsible for the actions of the Disloyal Spouse." 

Neither of which are possible, intellectually or physically. There is no blame being cast here.

All I am saying is that most affairs (and we do not have nearly enough data here to make any sort of judgment about this particular case) are the imagined solution to marital problems. And the MARITAL problems (NOT THE CHOICE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR) are the responsibility of both partners. Unless those troubles are addressed, ending one affair tends to lead to another - or the eventual breakdown of the marriage.

Yes, what is described - in _one_ post - is someone who appears to be a self-obsessed skirt chaser. But I have been around long enough to not make an instant judgment based upon a single statement. It is quite possible that this is an emotional vent, and that there are more facts behind the story. Unless we can eliminate all possible alternatives, we can't get to the real issue.


----------



## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

What is all this utter nonsense about 'disloyal spouse' vs. 'loyal spouse'? Nothing in the original post says anything about this man acting (or even intent to act) on any of his apparent lascivious thoughts. If the suggestion is that you can cheat on your spouse merely by imagining what 'might be' then we are all disloyal, each and every single one of us. Now if you actually suspect that he is acting on these thoughts that is a different story and one which you should endeavor to either confirm or disprove but as it stands now you are simply running into a common occurrence for all couples. Everyone is different, we all need different amounts of attention and ego stroking to feel fulfilled, its entirely possible that your husband is going thru that midlife crisis and seeking some validation that he is still desirable to women. A little flirting is nothing to be concerned over and is in fact healthy in a relationship that has trust and mutual respect. But it sounds like you are really hurt and that you believe he intends to cheat with this woman so let me give you some advice from a man's point of view

1)the mid-life crisis is very real and very profound for many men, it can feel like you are losing your virility and manhood in many ways, where you once felt dominant (physically, sexually, etc) you now come to feel weak and 'old'...his heart attack would only have exacerbated these feelings.
2)the mere suggestion that we 'could' have some young attractive woman is enough to assuage many of those feelings I listed in #1. There is no need to act on them, it is enough to simply feel desired and virile
3)I'm sure you are quite the hottie yourself (btw, blondes are way overrated, gimme a sexy brunette or redhead any day  and I think what may do you both a lot of good is to remind him of that fact. No need to be mean about it or obvious about it, but next time you both go out to a party or something, put on your sexiest outfit and engage in some flirtations of your own. The attention you will get will not only feel great for your self esteem, it will also give you a good idea of why he is doing it. And perhaps most importantly, he'll eventually catch sight of you getting talked up and probably do his best impersonation of a caveman. Again, the goal here is to not be in any way obvious about it, its simply a gentle reminder to him of just what a catch you are, give it a shot


----------



## thetruth (May 15, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> A loyal person remains true to their commitment. And yes, we can all be 'disloyal' at times - but the use of the capital letter in each term indicates a specific use of the term, rather than an equivocation (such as you introduce here) by ignoring the use of the capital letters.


You can spell it with a silent 'JKX' at the beginning, capitalized or otherwise and its still going to be nonsense. I don't deny that one can be emotionally disloyal to a loved one but since its impossible to be inside the head of another and truly know their thoughts it is necessary to rely on how actions manifest this pattern to figure out whether it is cause for concern or not.




Tanelornpete said:


> Perhaps reading the posts would help clarify confusion (although I suspect not - this has more of a malicious feel to it.):


Oh I read quite carefully thank you. All I gather from what you've said so far is that you have predilection towards $5 words and presumptuous statements. What I'm suggesting is that we focus on what the OP actually said and inquired about rather than these imaginary scenarios and philosophical gibberish. As I noted, if the OP truly believes that her husband has cheated or even that he intends to then that is a different story, but so far I've read nothing that suggests anything that serious and you do her a disservice by suggesting as much


----------

