# finances leading to divorce??



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

I just wanted to vent and see if anyone else is dealing with this type situation.

Background: married 10yrs, blended family, 2 good incomes, large house

Issues: 
We have a lot of debt ... CCs, mortgage, home equity, college loan. The college loan is for my daughter. I agreed to a Parent loan which is now time to starting repaying. My daughter additionally has considerable loans which she is taking on. I signed the loan without talking with my wife. I know this was wrong. We have had other issues going on which contributed. Through our marriage she has spent a lot on her biological kids and they each have > 2X the $$ saved up for college than my biological kids. The disparity has always been an issue and we weren't communicating well at the time. This was maybe 4 years ago.
Since then our relationship had improved greatly.

Anyway, about 6 months ago I told her about it and she is furious. I've been essentially "cutoff". She will periodically get lovey-dovey with me and we'll have sex but, right after I get the cold shoulder and I'm back in the dog house. I've stopped this since, I don't want to be anyone's sex toy. The last few months she has mentioned divorce a few times, even though she still "loves" me. I think, for her, it has become a love/hate relationship with me. We have been going to counselling and I have been taking on more responsibility around the house to help out and prove that I'm not an evil troll. For what it's worth, my salary is generally a bit more than hers.

The bottom line is I am getting tired of being treated like this. I feel like I can spend some of my income in a discretionary manner and helping my daughter with her college debt is my choice. I'm thinking of splitting our finances. I can carry the college loan and still provide at least 50% of our home costs.
It's clear that communication issues has led to this but, I don't plan on living as the "bad guy" forever. Whenever we have conflicts, the issue of this loan is brought out and I get beaten over the head with it. Counselling has calmed things down but does not seem to be the solution. 

I know it was my mistake, mismanaging the college finances. I'm afraid I've mortally wounded our marriage.

Sorry to vent. I'm reaching the end of my rope.


----------



## mfriend2012 (Dec 5, 2012)

I have so much sympathy for you. I'm so sorry about your situation. I am in a similar situation, see my other post.

I hope things work out the best for you. I too, became tired of being a sex toy and a public spouse to trot out whenever needed, but at home someone who was invisible and ignored.

You did make a mistake in her eyes, so that is where you need to start if you want to reconcile. When I put myself in my husband's shoes, I realized how much anxiety and pain I had caused him. I had hit him in his most vulnerable area. Pretty sure it's too late for me, but if you can start from a place of true contrition, putting your own grievances aside for later, I feel there is hope.

The big thing is that I realized in the end it was not about dollars and cents or the details, but the feelings I had hit my husband with when I was financially secret and irresponsible. Once the feelings are addressed, reconciliation can contain a plan for how the dollars and cents work out. But you can't start there, not IMO.

Imago therapy worked for us for a while. We are not doing it anymore and I don't think it will save us, but you should check it out. It is all about putting your own story aside (temporarily) and dialoguing with your partner. Also learning about their family of origin and the specific pain points they still bring to their adult relationship from the way they were raised.

Best wishes to you. I hope you find your way.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Thanks mf2012. We having another counselling session today, in 2 hours. We have so many issues we've been through that we could write a book. It's amazing we're still together.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Still not much change ... my wife is taking on extra shifts to help with her kids' college savings and to save for a new car. She is always sure to express how tired and over worked she is and that life sucks. Very passive-aggressive without coming out and actually accusing me of ruining her life. Also, she has thrown out the idea of moving out, a few times the last 2 weeks.

I can't do overtime because I am salaried. Still, I'm refinancing the house, have stopped buying any "fun" things for myself, and have been trimming down our spending a bit. 

Ugh .... it is bad enough that we are miserable but, not quite miserable enough to split up.

The biggest thing that bothers me is that she is so negative. The minute she wakes up each morning she starts talking about how sucky her day is going to be. Everything is a problem ... her parents, the kids, the economy, she can't travel, etc...
I think one issue is that her older sister is married, DINKs, and is always traveling and having adventures. She sees that and thinks ... "WTF"!


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Oh, and she has told me several times over the last few years that she "loves me but, doesn't respect me".
Now, WTF am I supposed to do with that???


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Call her bluff. 

If she *****es about leaving.... let her. Apparently she can't afford to leave anyway. 

Heard this strategy on another marriage site: "Put your marriage away, on a shelf." Work on you, your finances, your family, etc... Quit getting sucked into her negativity.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Another thing is, after we were married for several years, she admitted to me that she only married me to ... to move her and her kids out of her town and away from a bad situation.

But ... "she has learned to love me over the years".

Ugh


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

What a disrespecting comment for her to make!

I'm so amazed..
Are you sure she's not playing away? WS do tend to tell their BS "ILYBNILWY" cliche when she's sleeping with someone else.


Almost it sounds as if your W is using you as a bank account, which is supposed to keep dishing out money. If the account isn't doing well, then she nags and tells you that she wasn't even in love when she married you etc which is really an emotional abuse. 

I agree. You ought to think about yourself as she may not be around longer by the way she's talking to you.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Kudos to you and your wife for paying for college!! Good luck on your marriage........you can always use me as a example. My daughter had a choice scholarship or student loans and if she so happened to get a partial we would talk about it.

Well, she didn't get a scholarship 3.3gpa, so student loans it is. Just like me and my wife we had loans, in fact she still does, and we are paying it off as we speak. Mine are long gone!!

The same standard for the ones coming up~ y


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

The W actually has a good job and earns near what I do. I don't see her using me as a sugar daddy. However, she is very controlling and sees me as incompetent.

She takes a sleeping pill in the evening which ensures that nothing is going to happen each night.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

husbandfool said:


> The W actually has a good job and earns near what I do. I don't see her using me as a sugar daddy. However, she is very controlling and sees me as incompetent.
> 
> She takes a sleeping pill in the evening which ensures that nothing is going to happen each night.


You guys obviously have much bigger problems then who is paying for college.

Therapy asap!!


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

We've been married 10 years now and have been seeing couples counseling the last 3 years on a regular basis ... even before this all blew up.

She sometimes gives me a kiss and says I love you but, most of the time she tends to be distant and self absorbed. She has taken to working more days and taking extra shifts whenever she can, to help with our finances. This has us separated even more. I am salaried so can't get overtime pay. I am looking for a weekend job to help out but, not a lot so far that would work alongside my current job schedule.

Part of her anger is that she is now working harder and I apparently am not. This has been going on now for 8 months. Curiously, all the extra money she has been earning from overtime, etc. she has been putting into her biological kids' college savings and also to pay for her daughter's traveling abroad this past year (life is rough). She hasn't yet paid $1 towards this college loan I signed for. It has just come due this past month and I have started paying from my own discretionary income.

She plans to work overtime the next 8 years so her kids' will have no loans and meanwhile beat me over the head.

Just 2 days ago we had another counseling session where she accused me of betraying her trust and was still livid about the whole thing. 

Anyway, just venting.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Maybe the thing to do is to budget our living expenses and each of us contribute towards half of that ... sharing the living expenses. Then, we each can keep the rest of our paychecks as our own discretionary income. This way I can pay for my daughter's college loans and she can do what she wants with her money. 

I could do this but, am not sure if this would be a constructive suggestion. Any thoughts out there?


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> You guys obviously have much bigger problems then who is paying for college.
> 
> Therapy asap!!


Yes..That's essentially what I was sensing...

Wife will probably stay in this marriage so long as she needs her husband's (i.e. her second) incomes to keep going whilst she's working extra hard to send her biological children to College. After that, not sure what is left in this marriage to her? 

She sounds like a warrior mum. I have every respect to her. 
She probably knows you also need her incomes to keep going. (she knows you will stick around no matter how badly she treats you?)

You need to sit her down and ask if she actually loves you (even if you had lost all your incomes?) Her comments towards you make me think she does not have much respect to you. 

Definitely, it is a money problem but there's a bigger picture (problems) for sure. No amount of therapy would help if she doesn't love you.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

My wife is indeed a warrior. She was a single mother for 4 years before we married and she was used to running things a certain way.

Her way of solving problems is to take them on herself and throw herself at them ... be superwoman! This is great but, it comes at a price for me. There is little teamwork and she ends up taking on too much and becoming bitter over time. She becomes the "superwoman" while I become "small" in her mind. I recognize this tendency and have been working on trying to dilute it. Not very successful yet.


----------



## Kelgirl (Dec 30, 2012)

husbandfool said:


> We've been married 10 years now and have been seeing couples counseling the last 3 years on a regular basis ... even before this all blew up.
> 
> She sometimes gives me a kiss and says I love you but, most of the time she tends to be distant and self absorbed. She has taken to working more days and taking extra shifts whenever she can, to help with our finances. This has us separated even more. I am salaried so can't get overtime pay. I am looking for a weekend job to help out but, not a lot so far that would work alongside my current job schedule.
> 
> ...


*Kudos for you to start counseling and to help your daughter with college. Yes, you should have discussed it with your wife since the debt will effect your household.. But sounds like you are trying to make things right.

My husband really did a number on us financially a few years ago. I have come to his rescue several times - but unfortunately our house is about to go into foreclosure and I can't help him out of this one. 

Long story short he blames me.. he blames everyone besides himself. My love for him has faded.. I sill care for him dearly..but the love has gone. It may be that way for him as well.. I cannot tell you the last time he told me he loved me or I felt that he loved me. 

I talked to him about selling the house to stop foreclosure but he do not want to sell the house.. but nevertheless..it may be a blessing in disguised that we may loose the house. 

Not sure if we will move together or go our separate ways..I prefer to go our separate ways because he I carrying around a lot of anger. He is a very materialistic person so I know this may be crushing him right about now. He holds on to a lot of stuff..he needs to get that stuff out.. but again, I can't help him with that.

Again kudos to you for trying. If my husband realized his mistake, would seek counseling, I think we could salvage our marriage. But he has told me he will not go to counseling. However, I am in counseling for myself and it is helping. *


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

husbandfool said:


> My wife is indeed a warrior. She was a single mother for 4 years before we married and she was used to running things a certain way.
> 
> She becomes the "superwoman" while I become "small" in her mind. I recognize this tendency and have been working on trying to dilute it. Not very successful yet.


Hi 

It sounds very similar to one of my friends. The difference is that this lady friend of mine remained single and never remarried. She was a typical Mother warrior and chose not to be involved with another man to provide her children much needed stability. Now her teenage children had flown off their nest and she is recovering from cancer op whilst she's working as hard as pre-cancer! But I digress 

Sounds like your wife's focus is heavily on her own biological children and she hasn't got much interest or energy left for you? 

I don't think it is such a serious "offense" that you had to take out a loan for your own daughter. It is only natural for you to want to help out for your own daughter. It sounds rather selfish of your wife to claim that you "betrayed her trust"? 

Hope things will improve for you soon.


----------



## depressed dad (Jan 20, 2013)

I know your problem. I have a descent paying job and so does my wife. Our daughter is in her second year of college.we don't qualify for financial aid because we both have jobs! My second child goes to a catholic school with a tuition that seems increase every year. that on top of mortage, cell phone , insurance and other things, my wife feels we should not be together. driving me nuts.


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Yeah, we have 5 kids and any financial aid is out of the question because we both work our asses off. If we were underachievers perhaps we'd get financial aid.

My W suggested we divorce, in order to help finances.
I guess the almighty $ is the priority, right??


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

husbandfool said:


> Yeah, we have 5 kids and any financial aid is out of the question because we both work our asses off. If we were underachievers perhaps we'd get financial aid.
> 
> My W suggested we divorce, in order to help finances.
> I guess the almighty $ is the priority, right??


How does divorcing help with finances?


----------



## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

That's what she thought. If she claimed one income then she'd get more financial aid for her biological kids.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you checked out if it's true that she would get more financial aid for her kids? The kids savings would have to be put into this mix.

If she gets financial aid for her kids and you make about as much as she does, your daughter might get financial aid as well.

I do know a couple who divorced while the husband's kids were in college. With both incomes they could not get financial aid. But once divorced the kids did get the financial aid.

They did not have the money to send her kids and his to college. So that's what they did. Then they remarried once the kids were out of college. THey lived together the entire time the kids were in college and only told a few trusted freinds about the divorce.


----------

