# Broken record



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

So after years of other women, lies, cheating, neglect, abusive behavior, I kick him out of the house. 8 months later he tells me he got his daughter's friend pregnant and I file for divorce.

The divorce is final but we're still working on dividing the pensions. 

All I hear is constant whining about what he's losing, how he has to pay "everyone" (being me and baby mama child support), how he's being screwed over. Poor me, poor me. 

It's pathetic.

Last night he came over to pick up our son, and went into a tirade about how I don't get to choose which method of division (ie; cash out or rollover) and if I don't do what he wants he's "screwed" because he will have to work longer, yada yada. Hell, he's going to have to work until he's 65 to pay child support to the latest baby mama anyway.

I am flabbergasted that someone who has to pay the natural consequences for his poor life choices has the nerve to WHINE like a little baby about what he has to pay. 

I had enough and told him I don't want to hear it any more. Don't come around here attacking me. He started to get more verbally aggressive and in the end I said "you should have thought about this before you cheated and then got some skank pregnant". He stormed out. He later texted me to apologize and I ignored him. Immaturity and a complete inability to look at himself and own his mistakes.

Does anyone else's ex carry on this way?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

brokenbythis said:


> Last night he came over to pick up our son, and went into a tirade about *how I don't get to choose which method of division (ie; cash out or rollover)* and if I don't do what he wants he's "screwed" because he will have to work longer, yada yada. Hell, he's going to have to work until he's 65 to pay child support to the latest baby mama anyway.


Having just gone through this recently myself, you ABSOLUTELY DO have a choice whether you take cash out or roll it over. You have a *ONE-TIME, NO-PENALTY* chance for a cash withdrawal (you will, however, have to pay federal and state taxes on it). If you roll it all over now, then decide you need some cash, you will pay a hefty early-withdrawal fee.

I took a small amount in cash and rolled all the rest into an IRA.

As for him whining about the child support, tell him to keep his p*cker in his pants!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The retirement is strictly between you and him. 
He is clouding the agreement by bringing up other circumstances.

Nothing but a stall tactic.
Ignore anything he says other than addressing the last part of your split.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

yep.
My ex is hostile and resentful he does not get to benefit from my inheritance, and believes the child support is akin to stealing.
He's also resentful that he cashed out his 401K and the portion of my 401K he was awarded in the settlement so he has no retirement, while mine remains. It doesn't seem to matter to him that he took that action after the property was divided.
Some people never like to take responsibility for their choices.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> *
> I am flabbergasted that someone who has to pay the natural consequences for his poor life choices has the nerve to WHINE like a little baby about what he has to pay. *
> 
> I had enough and told him I don't want to hear it any more. Don't come around here attacking me. *He started to get more verbally aggressive and in the end I said "you should have thought about this before you cheated and then got some skank pregnant". * He stormed out. He later texted me to apologize and I ignored him. Immaturity and a complete inability to look at himself and own his mistakes.
> ...


Yeah, he needs to sit down and shut up! Seriously. What a disgusting human being. Luckily I am not dealing with something like this, I am just not getting the money I am owed. 

Oh, and I LOVE your avatar!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Does anyone else's ex carry on this way?


+1

I have a standard reply. I just stop whatever I'm doing, look him directly in the eye and in a calm, clear, firm voice, say, "I'm sorry that the choices you have made for yourself have consequences. But they just do. You do not get to blame me for the consequences of your own actions." I usually then just turn and walk away. 

I started using that line when he began whining during our divorce about all the money I was costing him because he was having to refinance our marital home to get my name off of it. We'd refinanced earlier in the same year, at his absolute insistence, so there were hefty fees and closing costs related to doing so again so soon. That he could have chosen to not push for the first refi, or tell me about his serial cheating prior to the first refi, (or, hey, here's a thought, just not been a serial cheater in the first place) didn't seem to ever enter his mind.

I've had to repeat that little pep talk a couple times since we divorced as well. Once when he was whining about how no one locally would go out with him and all our old friends seemed to be avoiding inviting him to things. :slap:

And again when he was complaining about being so broke and how tough it was to make the "huge" child support payments. The man brings home (_net_, actual in-his-pocket money) $120K a year, pays less than $11K a year in child support, has no bills other than his mortgage and utilities, supports a household of one since even his dogs left him, and he's _always_ dead broke. Yeah, buddy, cry me a river. :slap:


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Rowan said:


> even his dogs left him,


:rofl:


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Rowan said:


> +1
> 
> And again when he was complaining about being so broke and how tough it was to make the "huge" child support payments. The man brings home (_net_, actual in-his-pocket money) $120K a year, pays less than $11K a year in child support, has no bills other than his mortgage and utilities, supports a household of one since even his dogs left him, and he's _always_ dead broke. Yeah, buddy, cry me a river. :slap:


Well...there's this months big Country Hit!
I can hear the steel guitars and fiddles now!


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I totally understand your frustration and disbelief. My ex had numerous affairs, mistress #1 called me and told me about the year long affair which I was crushed. Tried marraige counseling but he was onto his 2nd affair by then. 

I kicked him out and filed for divorce. Ex abandoned me financially, parental, marital and emotionally and I divorced him after 17 years of marriage. Since May when divorce was final he has become a "victim". Ex spouts out - "I set him up to fail". "he is broke and I am living high life" (I work as IT manager for all of marriage and was main bread winner), "He will pay me child support f*cking never", blah, blah... 

I still have emotional baggage and respond with comebacks and I am looking forward to the day when I just don't respond anymore and live happily without him. 

Last night he was ranting in a text that I had a vacation to visit my family in NJ and stayed at beach and he needs to roll coins for gas.. (BTW - I took my daughter to visit my NJ family. My mother and BFF are both DYING and I wanted to see them probably for the last time). 

I was so pissed at his rant. As a reply, I just sent back pictures of all his mistresses with caption - YOUR BAD CHOICES CAUSED YOUR PRESENT LIFESTYLE - and BTW my mother is DYING you cold hearted SOB.

Tired of the victim role!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

FrustratedFL said:


> I totally understand your frustration and disbelief. *My ex had numerous affairs*, mistress #1 called me and told me about the year long affair which I was crushed. *Tried marraige counseling but he was onto his 2nd affair by then.*
> 
> *I kicked him out and filed for divorce. Ex abandoned me financially, parental, marital and emotionally* and I divorced him after 17 years of marriage. Since May when divorce was final he has become a "victim". Ex spouts out - "I set him up to fail". "he is broke and I am living high life" (I work as IT manager for all of marriage and was main bread winner), "He will pay me child support f*cking never", blah, blah...
> 
> ...


Yep I've been down your road too. Maybe I should send him the pic I copied off the baby mama's FB page of her 8 mths pregnant with MY husband's child with the caption same as yours  Or maybe "this is the reason you are broke and will be until you die".

BTW he got her pregnant when we were still married...

I'm so sorry about your mom and best friend. My mom died of cancer and we had to go to the funeral (In another country) and all my now ex did the entire trip was WHINE about how he had to look after our (then) infant child, while my siblings and I were there to help my dad cope - they had been married 45 years - and deal with our own grief. Selfish, self-centered [email protected] he is. 

I am in literal disbelief when the current "victim" tirades start. Is he for real? How can he NOT see everything that is happening to him is HIS fault. Not mine, not anyone else's, his fault.

Not once has he ever expressed any remorse over all the things he's done to hurt me, our child (by abandoning the family), my family... we also tried counseling and every session he turned it all to him and played the "victim" in counseling. He didn't manage to convince the therapist either.

I swear, when we got married, I never in my wildest dreams thought he was like this. Its like an entirely different man took my husband's place.

The question that nags me these days is: what makes someone like this? What damage has been done to them? What molds someone into this kind of person? I can't wrap my head around it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Par for the course, I've detached as well as I think one person can who has to continuously have communication with the mother of their children.

My philosophy is that the faster you accept they will always be crazy and weird the easier it will be, and then you can be pleasantly surprised if you get some moments of courtesy in there.

From your conversation though, I can tell you if you're still having personal interactions with him at dropoffs, do whatever you can to end this.

My life got 100 times less stressful when dropoffs went from personal to at school/daycare. The only time I see her now is when the kids are sick or it's a holiday. That makes me H-A-P-P-Y


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He didn't get someone else pregnant but whines about his lot in life and how he has to work 16 hours a day 'because he has rent to pay' (he doesn't have to pay me a solitary penny and got a huge amount of money from me for the house which he spent on his third soulmate (he's now on number five I think) in six months)

I have had to learn to just ignore it - guys like that will always be trying to blame someone else for their poor behaviour and choices. Just hope that it will soon be someone else!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

What gets me is I wonder how much worse the whining would be if I had been the one who had cheated, gotten pregnant by another man, publicized it to all of our friends THEN taken him to the cleaners financially. 

IMO then he would have a reason to whine.

I was lonely in that marriage for about the last 7 years. He worked nightshift and refused to change to dayshift because he "didn't like to get up early" and other excuses. I begged him to spend more time with me and our child. Then the towards the end the horrible, cruel, intentionally hurtful things he did to me - his actions have left scars on me that I often wonder I will ever be able to erase. Sometimes I remember some of the incredibly hurtful things he did, and the effect they had on me, and I start to cry. I feel so disappointed, let down and betrayed. I wouldn't wish what I've been through on anybody.

If anyone has a reason to whine, its me.. but I don't, I just get on with my life.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I hope your kids weren't within hearing distance of this exchange.

This is why I had to make exchanges at her school (I would drop her off, he would pick her up and bag was in the school office) - no interaction. 

If, for whatever reason, you don't simply meet at a neutral location and let the kid(s) get out of one car and into the other, I think Rowan's response is the best: *"I'm sorry that the choices you have made for yourself have consequences. But they just do. You do not get to blame me for the consequences of your own actions."*

Yes, my ex blamed me for walking away from an abusive relationship. He doesn't even recall our history the way I do. Then I learned about his diagnosis and accepted he never will. He blamed me for the amount of support he pays even though I actually settled for less than was suggested at the time it was calculated, and blames me for how little time he gets to spend with her (too bad - he alienated her by lying to her and painting me as evil, hurtful, a liar, etc.) and any time he starts in, I remind him that he wouldn't' have less time with her but HE filed the motion, HE took her from me, HE violated the order over and over... I didn't make those choices, he did.

He'll always blame me. I don't care. It doesn't impact me one way or the other. He can choke on his blame and denial.


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