# Husband says I'm boring



## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

First of all thank you for taking time to read this and comment.
In relationship for over two decade and the last five husband says I'm boring. Well he told me that is generous with that time as it's been most of the relationship. He seems to bring in any type of entertainment or enjoyment to the relationship.
We have tried quite a few out there things but nothing that has stuck and our relationship is dull.
He keeps coming to me and says he is bored and I should appreciate that he comes to me rather than just cheating on me.
I feel like I might be going through a mid life crisis.
I don't think I am depressed but I lack motivation and drive to enjoy anything in what would be years now.
I hold a full time job that I function ok (haven't had any complaints) but exhausted when I get home. I do the household chores and when I point that out he tells me that I am good at mundane thing but no excitement. He says I can do all the mundane things with no problems but when it comes to having fun there's nothing.
I feel lost and confused and told him many times to part ways. When he tells me that he thinks there is nothing inside me I just tell him to end it and for him to find someone who can do it for him. He then goes on about wanting his time back that he has wasted. Tonight he told me he hopes there is recarnation so he can have another go. Which just makes me feel like I want it to end.
He tells me he wants to fix it and just for me to go on a forum and post our situation to see if I can get suggestions on being more fun. He tells me that I don't talk about anything imaginative or creative only about dull and mundane things and what's directly in front of me.
I don't really have close friends I can speak to about this so asking for some advice.
I do admit I am not a bundle of joy and the way I see myself is not what I portray.
Thanks once again and appreciate some feedback.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hummmm.... I know let him get two jobs, and you stay home and rested so after he showers you can expect him to put on his komo pop the cork on bubbley. Give you that dashingly grin and then he can get to it. 

NOT!!!!..... Gonna happen.

He a self absorbed, jerk with only thoughts of himself selfish, and he's not all that. Maybe when he comes home let him make supper plans and if you have kids entertainment for them. Then do the first paragraph. 

If he's dependant on returning from the after life to give you another go. Let him know once was enough. And you wouldn't want to waste his time the second time around.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But this is me and I'm a male, but he needs to be called on his crap.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> But this is me and I'm a male, but he needs to be called on his crap.


Thanks for your kind words.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sounds more like he's having a mid-life crisis. It isn't up to you to make his life exciting. Have him do all the chores and you sit and think what fun thing to do.

Is he maybe fishing to spice up the sex life and he's passive aggressive about telling you?

His words are insulting. How does he respond when you tell him to end it and find someone who will do it for him?


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## JMarie (Aug 15, 2019)

I don’t think he knows how to have fun by himself. He shouldn’t make it your job to do that. 

However, one thing he did suggest may actually be helpful to you... engaging in a forum. 
Yes forums are great to get advice/opinions. But the best thing if i were you would be to use the forums a place to talk with others about anything. Make virtual friends. There’s just about a forum for any topic or hobby. 

I can’t tell you how much this has helped me. Hope it helps you too.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sounds more like he's having a mid-life crisis. It isn't up to you to make his life exciting. Have him do all the chores and you sit and think what fun thing to do.
> 
> Is he maybe fishing to spice up the sex life and he's passive aggressive about telling you?
> 
> His words are insulting. How does he respond when you tell him to end it and find someone who will do it for him?


He tells me that he chose me and wants me to have fun with me. He then says if he wanted to go out with someone he doesn't need my permission to do so. He know he can leave but he has a wife and wants me to be more fun and actual do something than just thinking about doing something. 
He has given me things he likes but I guess I am not confident enough to take on that leadership role he craves. 
He said he has made so many sacrifices and I don't do don't do anything for him. He feels like he is the least important person in the household. 
I do agree with him on that but our child will always come first no matter what. He told me he wishes just for once that I will look after his feeling and enjoyment. The joys of marriages.
I do love and care for him but feel like he is not seeing it and we are disconnected which saddens me.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

JMarie said:


> I don’t think he knows how to have fun by himself. He shouldn’t make it your job to do that.
> 
> However, one thing he did suggest may actually be helpful to you... engaging in a forum.
> Yes forums are great to get advice/opinions. But the best thing if i were you would be to use the forums a place to talk with others about anything. Make virtual friends. There’s just about a forum for any topic or hobby.
> ...


This virtual forum world is all new to me but with self isolation throughout the world might be a great way to make virtual friends.

Thanks for your kind words.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You sound a lot like my stbx. You keep telling him to end it while he is making suggestions. Just know, one day he may end it. Are you prepared for that?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your child should come first for health and welfare (food, safety, shelter) although the marital relationship is a two-way street in just as many important ways (love, compassion, kindness) and if there are too many detours set up favoring the child when it needn't then frustration will happen as you are experiencing.

We all deserve the confidence that our spouse will take some actions to look after us but if we expect that confidence when it is not given to the level we are looking for and it is not met, then our desires will assuredly lead to disappointment.

The hurt he feels is being expressed by calling you "boring". This reaction is not the best he can muster I'm sure, but it is the best he can do under his circumstances of hurt. He owns as much of this as you do and needs to be aware that your interests are just as important as his... although there seldom is at any given time, there should be an effort to understand balance in all, especially in the promises we make in marriage.

Sometimes it is just your needs met, sometimes just his. but you both should also put the effort in for both needs to be met together as well (joint fun!).

Since he is not here yet (please invite him to participate), what things do you show him he is important in your life?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

donna76 said:


> He tells me that he chose me and wants me to have fun with me. He then says if he wanted to go out with someone he doesn't need my permission to do so. He know he can leave but he has a wife and wants me to be more fun and actual do something than just thinking about doing something.
> He has given me things he likes but I guess I am not confident enough to take on that leadership role he craves.
> He said he has made so many sacrifices and I don't do don't do anything for him. He feels like he is the least important person in the household.
> I do agree with him on that but our child will always come first no matter what. He told me he wishes just for once that I will look after his feeling and enjoyment. The joys of marriages.
> I do love and care for him but feel like he is not seeing it and we are disconnected which saddens me.


I don't disagree with you that he could take on a leadership role himself and certainly be more clear and tactful, saying what he really means. 

That said where you said the child or children will always come first and you've repeatedly told him that, over a period of time, that's many, many times the on ramp to destruction for a married couple. 

A M couple is a couple first, then moms/dad's, or in a great number of cases the relationship sours thus causing problems that separates mom and dad.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have an equal partner in chores, goals, each does their part but I am saying if you aren't telling him he's first in your life, then he likely feels like a meal ticket, and just may act like you're not first in his life either. How would that feel?

I'm not "taking his side", just trying to demonstrate their may be two sides here.

Or not, maybe there's more to the story.

Hang in there.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

When I feel that way it is because I have heard "no" too much. I had a friend who had multiple marriages. 3rd time was the charm and he seemed to have gotten his picker fixed. But after several years they went through a patch where he just wasn't interested in her. His thinking was that it was because in the past at that point he would just get a new wife, but he didn't want to do that any more. The did stay together until she died (cancer). 
Personally I think and old comfortable relationship is secure, but it can still be fun in the bedroom. If the partners are willing, and if they both bring their best game. as much as I complain we have 2 or 3 good nights every year where all the stars line up. It could happen more. No's are holding us back, What do you think is holding you back?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> You sound a lot like my stbx. You keep telling him to end it while he is making suggestions. Just know, one day he may end it. Are you prepared for that?


She should be so lucky. 

OP, what kinds of things is your husband wanting or expecting you to do? Are we talking about bedroom things, like maybe he wants to bring another person in or something? Are we talking about traveling and going on adventures? It certainly is hard to work up any enthusiasm to do things with someone who insults you all the time. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

donna76,

You say that you have a job and you do the housework. I have some questions about this. 

How much of the housework, cooking, shopping, etc. does your husband do? How much of the childcare does he do?

How old is your child?

What sort of things has your husband suggested to do that he thinks would be more exciting?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

donna76 said:


> I feel like I might be going through a mid life crisis.
> I don't think I am depressed but I lack motivation and drive to enjoy anything in what would be years now.


I'd be willing to bet you don't lack motivation and drive at all. You just don't "enjoy anything" that your husband defines as "enjoyable". Tell me, what about the things that YOU find enjoyable.....do you lack motivation and drive to do them ???

I wonder if you are introverted and your husband is extroverted. My wife and I are extreme opposites in how we obtain our "recharge". If I revealed my true self, I am happiest when I'm alone.
I don't enjoy or get fulfillment from the same things my wife does. Example, she goes to the casino and gambles recreationally. My money comes with far too much effort for me to want to squander it on any such foolishness. I am an engineer and I fully understand that in the average, the casino is going to win and is going to take my money away. But, I have accepted that I must go with her to the casino, and sit in the bar, have a beer, and watch sports while she has some "fun". Dear God, I'd rather take a cold-water enema.

She accuses me of being "Mr. Spock". I might say she is "Dr. McCoy"....She is giving me a sharp criticism, I am receiving a meritorious accolade 

My wife tries to psychoanalyze "why" I became such a human aberration. See, there are more of "them" than there are of "me", so I must be "wrong". It must have been "done to me by my parents", because I "was an only child", because I "missed key things growing up"..... etc., etc.

I try to be thankful for her gift. There are times when extrovertedness "pays". However, she lacks thankfulness for my introversion.....because "we have no life".



donna76 said:


> Tonight he told me he hopes there is recarnation so he can have another go.


With the way he is treating you, he should be told that he may as well put his hope in reincarnation, because unless he repents of his sin and selfishness, and turns to his Lord for forgiveness and restoration, he has absolutely no chance whatsoever to attain a pleasant afterlife.

And, the bible teaches there is no such thing as "another go", he should strive to make his peace with God NOW while there is still time. And, that his key repentance should be to turn from his ingratitude and be thankful that he has a wife willing to make all the sacrifices for him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> It certainly is hard to work up any enthusiasm to do things with someone who insults you all the time.


It sure is.....


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Your child should come first for health and welfare (food, safety, shelter) although the marital relationship is a two-way street in just as many important ways (love, compassion, kindness) and if there are too many detours set up favoring the child when it needn't then frustration will happen as you are experiencing.
> 
> We all deserve the confidence that our spouse will take some actions to look after us but if we expect that confidence when it is not given to the level we are looking for and it is not met, then our desires will assuredly lead to disappointment.
> 
> ...


Thank you 


Mr. Nail said:


> When I feel that way it is because I have heard "no" too much. I had a friend who had multiple marriages. 3rd time was the charm and he seemed to have gotten his picker fixed. But after several years they went through a patch where he just wasn't interested in her. His thinking was that it was because in the past at that point he would just get a new wife, but he didn't want to do that any more. The did stay together until she died (cancer).
> Personally I think and old comfortable relationship is secure, but it can still be fun in the bedroom. If the partners are willing, and if they both bring their best game. as much as I complain we have 2 or 3 good nights every year where all the stars line up. It could happen more. No's are holding us back, What do you think is holding you back?


Not sure what's holding me back - lack of confidence? It's like I want to move forward but need to just push that negativity that I am hearing from him. Some days I have no idea.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sounds more like he's having a mid-life crisis. It isn't up to you to make his life exciting. Have him do all the chores and you sit and think what fun thing to do.
> 
> Is he maybe fishing to spice up the sex life and he's passive aggressive about telling you?
> 
> His words are insulting. How does he respond when you tell him to end it and find someone who will do it for him?


He sometimes say he doesn't want to waste more time, other times he says but I picked you and other times he says maybe he should.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> When I feel that way it is because I have heard "no" too much. I had a friend who had multiple marriages. 3rd time was the charm and he seemed to have gotten his picker fixed. But after several years they went through a patch where he just wasn't interested in her. His thinking was that it was because in the past at that point he would just get a new wife, but he didn't want to do that any more. The did stay together until she died (cancer).
> Personally I think and old comfortable remould lationship is secure, but it can still be fun in the bedroom. If the partners are willing, and if they both bring their best game. as much as I complain we have 2 or 3 good nights every year where all the stars line up. It could happen more. No's are holding us back, What do you think is holding you back?


I have no idea if I did I would push through it to make things better.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> donna76,
> 
> You say that you have a job and you do the housework. I have some questions about this.
> 
> ...


I do all the house work from cooking to cleaning. He does occasionally does cleaning and when he does the place looks emaculate. Literally like a display home. Every so often he cracks it and does a full clean. A handful of times a year he will clean.

Our child is a teenager so is not so dependant as long as there is wifi 

He is willing to do anything. He says anything is better than nothing. He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

donna76 said:


> He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.


I know exactly what you mean. When you know your deeds are going to be disparaged, all the incentive goes away. Especially, any "take charge"..... you simply want to avoid decisions because nothing, but nothing, you do is ever going to be "good enough". He will find fault with it somewhere.

Yours is a case where a good marriage counselor could help. But, he probably won't go, because he wants YOU to change.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to be more specific. Is he telling you that he finds you boring in the bedroom? Or, is he saying that you have zero interest in anything other than work, home, work, home etc. Does he want you to plan date nights, vacations, hobbies etc.?


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to be more specific. Is he telling you that he finds you boring in the bedroom? Or, is he saying that you have zero interest in anything other than work, home, work, home etc. Does he want you to plan date nights, vacations, hobbies etc.?


Boring in all the above instances.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, he doesn't have a specific complaint. He just has an overall complaint of "you suck". This tells me you aren't the problem - it's him. 

The truth is bored people are just plain boring themselves. He thinks he's a real firecracker and you're just tagging along and not doing your share. News flash for him: He is too old to need a babysitter to entertain him. He needs to learn how to entertain himself without expecting his partner to be his entertainment center.

No, he doesn't have the green light to get another playmate while married to you. He can divorce and find a more compatible person if he chooses and so can you. As @TJW mentioned, nothing you do will ever be enough or good enough. Tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it and to shut the hell up with the whines and insults.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sometimes it's ok to hit the ignore button when he says something that can be taken as a negative. He may get the idea.

And you keep on as if he didn't say anything, see if your positive train of thought and actions move forward, see what happens.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sometimes it's ok to hit the ignore button when he says something that can be taken as a negative. He may get the idea.


I tried for a long time to "hit the ignore button". However, I was not good enough at buttoning. So, I went to the doc and got drugs. It's the only way I survive it.

Wellbutrin is an amazing drug. I hear it, I recognize that my stomach should be in knots, I should be praying for death, I should be major-league hurt by what she just said.
But, the emotions don't come.

Better living through chemistry......


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Donna you just fed us a load of new information. you mention low confidence, but it seems more a symptom than a cause. 
based on what you have told us you do most of the house work, and you often feel tired. You also say that your husband is very good at cleaning but tends to overdo it. 
This looks pretty good to me in terms of possibilities. You need to recharge. He is capable of taking a load off of you without you feeling the need to supervise him. A deal could be made.? Part of the "deal" will have to be something exciting, something specific and exciting that you want to do.

One other thing, it seems you aren't getting enough quality time. You probably need some most weeknights. Is there some part of the daily routine that you two can do together?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there are a lot worse things than boring. and i mean a lot of things worse.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

donna76 said:


> I feel like I might be going through a mid life crisis.
> I don't think I am depressed but I lack motivation and drive to enjoy anything in what would be years now.
> 
> I feel lost and confused
> ...


I snipped out everything except where you tell us about you, and it sounds like we ought to be concerned. 

Leaving him out of the conversation for a minute, how are you? Do you think you should change anything, if so, what? 

Before we decide how he ought to fit into your life, we should figure out what your life should look like.

IDK if you're depressed, but lacking motivation to enjoy things is a symptom of depression, and depression isn't something you want to ignore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

donna76 said:


> I do all the house work from cooking to cleaning. He does occasionally does cleaning and when he does the place looks emaculate. Literally like a display home. Every so often he cracks it and does a full clean. A handful of times a year he will clean.


Ok, so he puts the majority of housework and child care on you. Then he complains because between all that and your job you are tried. His attitude is that of a spoiled brat. 

I'm going to suggest that you start pushing more off on him. One way to do this is to just stop doing some of the chores you do that are for him. For example, do you do his laundry? If so just stop. Tell him that you are exhausted and so you are cutting back on some things. He will need to do his own laundry from now on.

I'm suggesting this as I did it years ago. I was married, has my one and my then husband's 2 children (they were all in middle school) and my husband would not lift a finger for anything. I was working full time, more than 40 hours a week. So I told him and the kids that they each had to do their own laundry. I taught the kids how to do theirs… that included their own bed sheets and towels. Once they all figured out that the only way to get clean clothing was to do it themselves, they all learned and did it without complaining. It really cut down on the work I had too do. Plus it taught my children how to take care of themselves. I'm glad that I taught them that.

There are other things you can do such as hand him a shopping list and tell him you need him to go to the store to do the shopping. With the COVID-19 stuff going on right now, you might be able to use this time to your advantage. I'm not sure how it is where you live, but here our grocery stores are now online. I can place a grocery order online and then to pick it up at the store. They just bring the groceries out and put them in my car. If you can do that it's even better. Place your order and then have him pick it up.

What are all the little things that you do for him? What are the things that he can take over? Start putting more responsibility for your home chores on him.



donna76 said:


> Our child is a teenager so is not so dependant as long as there is wifi


Good.



donna76 said:


> He is willing to do anything. He says anything is better than nothing. He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.


It sounds like your husband is a person who is just dissatisfied with life and does not have the ability to take responsibility for his own happiness. So instead he's stomping his feet and demanding that you do that too. You do most of the housework. You have spoiled him by not putting your foot down a long time ago on this. So now he also expects you take responsibility for his happiness.

I will give him some credit for one thing. The two of you should be dating and spending quality time together. Quality time means the two of you doing things together that you both enjoy, with no one else involved. Any relationship will wither and die if that's not done. It will be a bit harder right now to come up with things to do because of the COVID-19 situation. I'm assuming that the both of you have to stay at home and cannot go out much. But there are still things you can do.

Maybe we can help you come up with things that you two can do.

So what, if anything, do the two of you do together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, you say that you are just tiered. You need to slow down and take care of yourself. What do you do for yourself? Do you work out? Do you have any hobbies? What do you do to relax?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

donna76 said:


> our child will always come first no matter what. He told me he wishes just for once that I will look after his feeling and enjoyment.


That right there is a HUGE issue.

Your marriage, spouse must come first. Of course this means after meeting the child's needs for safety and security - it in no way means you neglect your child.

I'm not in any way condoning the cruel things your husband is saying to you, the way he's handling this is completely wrong. Does he have a point in some ways though? Have you put all of yourself into your child and neglected the marriage?

You sound very depressed. If I were you I would see your doctor for a full check up, then sit down with your husband and tell him what you're doing, and the two of you can then divide up the housework/childcare so it's fairer. Neither of you should be doing it all, you both made the child, you both should be equally caring for him/her. You both live in the house, you both are responsible for maintaining it.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

TJW said:


> I tried for a long time to "hit the ignore button". However, I was not good enough at buttoning. So, I went to the doc and got drugs. It's the only way I survive it.
> 
> Wellbutrin is an amazing drug. I hear it, I recognize that my stomach should be in knots, I should be praying for death, I should be major-league hurt by what she just said.
> But, the emotions don't come.
> ...


Thanks for your comment but will try and avoid drugs as I have seen side effects it has had on people I know. Glad it's working for you. 🙂


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> I snipped out everything except where you tell us about you, and it sounds like we ought to be concerned.
> 
> Leaving him out of the conversation for a minute, how are you? Do you think you should change anything, if so, what?
> 
> ...


I would like to spend more time on myself and personal development. I have just started meditation but have to get into habit of doing it regularly.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I did see a psychologist awhile ago when trying to deal with life as it was a bit full on and they said I was all ok as I was functioning ok. I felt like I had to deal with childhood issue but didn't get far hence I stopped see the psychologist.


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## donna76 (Mar 30, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Also, you say that you are just tiered. You need to slow down and take care of yourself. What do you do for yourself? Do you work out? Do you have any hobbies? What do you do to relax?


I don't do much out of work. Have just started mediation and need to make sure I do it regularly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

donna76 said:


> I don't do much out of work. Have just started mediation and need to make sure I do it regularly.


Meditation is a good start!

With the COVID-19 pandemic, I suppose it's hard to get out and do things right now. There is a website, meetup.com, that's set up for getting out and doing things. Once this pandemic is over, you might benefit from checking it out. I know here where i live there are tons of meetups for all sorts of things.... from learning art, gardening, kayaking, book clubs.. the list is endless. Maybe you could find things that you would enjoy doing... and maybe your husband would enjoy some of the too... with you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

donna76 said:


> I do all the house work from cooking to cleaning. He does occasionally does cleaning and when he does the place looks emaculate. Literally like a display home. Every so often he cracks it and does a full clean. A handful of times a year he will clean.


Big deal. So a few times a year he drags his lazy ass off the couch and stops his whiny griping about how boring you are and actually does something productive. Whoopie. But YOU'RE taxed with the daily workload (as is the case for most women) while working a full time job on top of it. Lucky, lucky you.



> Our child is a teenager so is not so dependant as long as there is wifi


Why doesn't the teenager have chores? A little less time playing on his or her phone or game box and a little more *responsibility* around the house will shape him/her into a much better young adult.



> He is willing to do anything. He says anything is better than nothing. He I know wants me to take charge and step up but really hard when he says I'm boring if you get what I mean.[


I'll just bet he's "willing to do anything." And since you're being cryptic saying "you know what I mean<" I can only assume you mean that he's telling you that you're boring in bed and need to step it up.

I'd definitely step it up, alright. With a new partner after kicking his arrogant ass right out the front door.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

donna76 said:


> I would like to spend more time on myself and personal development. I have just started meditation but have to get into habit of doing it regularly.
> 
> I just want everyone to be happy.
> 
> I did see a psychologist awhile ago when trying to deal with life as it was a bit full on and they said I was all ok as I was functioning ok. I felt like I had to deal with childhood issue but didn't get far hence I stopped see the psychologist.


Thanks for replying, I'm glad to hear the psychologist doesn't think you're depressed. 

Imagine for a moment your husband wasn't complaining, would you feel like you do enough fun things? Would you feel like you were happy? If not, what would you like to change?

You said you feel "lost and confused", does this have to do w/ your husband's complaining or something else?


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