# Well that went really well!



## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Last Saturday afternoon I was preparing myself to give the poem I had written to my husband hoping to start a reasonable conversation. He was outside working. 

Suddenly I had this really strong urge to look at his phone. Haven't done this for months

Guess who was back on his list of contacts - yes it was Typhoid Mary! 

Last year, a few days after I found her text messages, he made a huge display of sitting next to on the sofa with his phone and deleted her name and number before my very eyes. What a lying cheating b*****d 

I was suddenly back to DDay1. I shook like a leaf, but because of all the advice and help I have had from all of you I went to the bathroom and stayed there until I had calmed down.

I left the contacts details on the screen so he could see that I had found it.

The rest of the weekend I did a HUGE 180. Not starting conversations, not asking questions, kept very quiet and calm.

He started hovering around me, being over nice. I ignored it.

It took until last night for him to mention it.

He was going to the local shop about 4 minutes away and I saw him put his phone in his pocket.

I said "Why are you taking your phone?"

He blustered and waffled and said "I am not taking my phone, it just happens to be in my pocket! (CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!) Anyway, I know you are very interested in my phone"

I said nothing.

Anyway he left his phone behind and when he came back we had this conversation:

I said "It's alright I haven't touched your phone"

He said "there's nothing on it anyway"

"I said "Yes there is"

He said "No there's not"

I said "Yes there is - I have seen it, but I shan't look at it ever again - I have seen enough. So you do whatever you want. It's what I intend to do, but realise that this changes whatever happens next"

Instead of giving me his usual bluster and waffle - he went as white as a sheet and just stood there. I went back to reading my book.

Since then he has followed me around the house, tried to hug me (I don't think so!) and this morning he shouted up the stairs that he was going to work and I said O.K. There was a long silence. The next thing I knew he was standing behind me (I was dressing). He had walked up the stair in a lot of pain (he has a very very painfull joint condition at the moment) just to give me a kiss goodbye - he has never done this before - not even when I was at my lowest ebb.

When I found that she was back on his phone something died inside me , but doing the 180 has made a huge difference. I can FEEL my self respect returning. I don't see any way back from this for us.

I now have a weekend to look forward to!

I have printed the 180 and Just Let Them Go and evey time I feel a bit weak or sad, I read them.

So wish me luck..Who knows where this will go.
I have also made a doctor's appointment for next week not sleeping very well - waking at 5.00 a.m) and found Rotweiler of a divorce solicitor.

Bronwen


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Hang out upstairs all weekend. If he comes upstairs and tries to hug you, ask him if he can go down and get you a drink. When he comes back up the stairs with your drink, ask him if he could please add a few ice cubes. When he comes back up the stairs, just say, "Ah forget it and pour it out."

Keep him on his toes and his joints sore.

Gods speed.


*edit. You are never too old to find happiness.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

My heart just sank re-reading your old thread.

So despite the fact that they don't work together any more, and that she lives 400 miles away, they are in contact again.

I am glad to read you have a dr.'s appointment to help you cope and that you are finding a divorce attorney. I had feared for a moment after reading your post quickly that you were going to try to just do the 180 which, while essential in your case, would in no way work on its own.

PLEASE reconsider your previous refusal to expose to the OWH. She is a homewrecker of the first order and I don't care if she has 256 orphans that have nowhere to go (much less a couple of teenagers), her husband deserves to know EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS YOU DID.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

bronwen, I'm so sorry for your pain. It seems that you have made your decision already. He is a coward. He didn't explain just made a remark about your 'interest in his phone'. Well it's not your interest in the phone, but his interest in OW that ruined it. I'm glad you are perceptive and saw through his bs. I wish you luck and be tough. His fu*ck up is the fact that not only has he cheated on you, he lied about breaking it off. Then he continued cheating. You are a strong person obviously and you will do what you need to. Do you have kids? That complicates matters. If you don't, then I say... sayonara sucker. Eh, what the hell is wrong with people???


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Bronwen - I'm so sorry things have happened to take you backwards. Same thing happened here and I struggle with it. It's refreshing and encouraging to see that you're taking control of your own life ... I'm learning from your experience and your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep moving forward - you seem like a great person and you deserve a great life.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Eh, what the hell is wrong with people???


Not many people are ever taught just how devastating an affair can be to the BS, the marriage, the kids, family finances, etc. etc.

They are emotional tsunamis leaving nothing but destruction and shattered lives in their wake. 

TV, movies, magazines, books etc. usually don't cover any of the raw, nasty emotional anguish. It's all portrayed as something exciting and sexy and passionate, usually with "true love" with a "soul mate" waiting at the end.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Dean

It is my intention to not be available this weekend.

I have plans for tomorrow and a busy day on Sunday - moving into guest room

Thanks for your reply

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Aristotle

Thanks for that you made me laugh


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> My heart just sank re-reading your old thread.
> 
> So despite the fact that they don't work together any more, and that she lives 400 miles away, they are in contact again.
> 
> ...


My heart sank too when I realised she was back and perhaps never went away.

He assured me 3 days after discovery that it was finished and there was no contact in fact he actually got a go-between if he had to have any dealings with her.

Well what a trusting fool I've been!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bronwen said:


> Well what a trusting fool I've been!


Bronwen:

I felt the same way at first....a fool for being so trusting. 

You are NOT a fool to trust. Your husband is a fool to cheat on a good and trusting person. 

I am glad I am a trusting person. I no longer feel like a fool. I like that trait in me. 

Going forward however, I will be more vigilant, but without evidence to the contrary I will likely still trust but verify. 

Sending a big hug to you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> My heart sank too when I realised she was back and perhaps never went away.
> 
> He assured me 3 days after discovery that it was finished and there was no contact in fact he actually got a go-between if he had to have any dealings with her.
> 
> Well what a trusting fool I've been!


He derived something from those conversations, but he would never open up to you to explain them so that you could learn to meet those needs instead. He swept them all under the rug--he wasn't strong enough to walk away from the fantasy. Hardly any of them are. He was no different in that way.

Remember that my husband led me on for 3 years about the affair being over. I was 10x more trusting than you ever were so if there's anyone on this forum who was played the fool it was me.

The part that rips me up, however, is that he could hurt you after you'd been betrayed before. It's as if you had lost one arm in a prior accident and in the middle of the night he went and sawed off the other one.

Stay strong.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> bronwen, I'm so sorry for your pain. It seems that you have made your decision already. He is a coward. He didn't explain just made a remark about your 'interest in his phone'. Well it's not your interest in the phone, but his interest in OW that ruined it. I'm glad you are perceptive and saw through his bs. I wish you luck and be tough. His fu*ck up is the fact that not only has he cheated on you, he lied about breaking it off. Then he continued cheating. You are a strong person obviously and you will do what you need to. Do you have kids? That complicates matters. If you don't, then I say... sayonara sucker. Eh, what the hell is wrong with people???


I have a grown-up daughter and grandchildren which really helps. 

Do you know I still can't believe he has done this to me/us.

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

jinba said:


> Bronwen - I'm so sorry things have happened to take you backwards. Same thing happened here and I struggle with it. It's refreshing and encouraging to see that you're taking control of your own life ... I'm learning from your experience and your strength. Thank you for sharing your story. Keep moving forward - you seem like a great person and you deserve a great life.


So sorry you are going through the same thing. It is so painfull.

I think a person can take only so much and there comes a point when even the quietest if us will say ENOUGH!


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> He derived something from those conversations, but he would never open up to you to explain them so that you could learn to meet those needs instead. He swept them all under the rug--he wasn't strong enough to walk away from the fantasy. Hardly any of them are. He was no different in that way.
> 
> Remember that my husband led me on for 3 years about the affair being over. I was 10x more trusting than you ever were so if there's anyone on this forum who was played the fool it was me.
> 
> ...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Bronwen, I am so mad at him. He has no idea what a great lady he has. You are really being so graceful. I understand your decision.
I totally agree to keep him hopping up and down the stairs - a little pain in his joints is nothing compared to your heartbreak. 
My STBXH just looks me in the eye and lies ......... What really breaks my heart is how he has ruined his relationship with our oldest daughter, who discovered the A. He is losing a fabulous girl. 
You stay strong this weekend.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bronwen said:


> My therapist says he has narcisistic traits i.e. inability to empathise or feel anyone else's pain.


Then that is indeed all you need to know. Run, don't walk.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Bronwen, I am so mad at him. He has no idea what a great lady he has. You are really being so graceful. I understand your decision.
> I totally agree to keep him hopping up and down the stairs - a little pain in his joints is nothing compared to your heartbreak.
> My STBXH just looks me in the eye and lies ......... What really breaks my heart is how he has ruined his relationship with our oldest daughter, who discovered the A. He is losing a fabulous girl.
> You stay strong this weekend.


I must tell you this.

On the day my ex- husband was leaving for another woman (child bride) he looked at me and "I think I am making the biggest mistake of my life - I love you both so much (our daughter was 17 years old and totally bewildered) and I know when I walk through this door I will have thrown away most of my life"

When men like this hurt our children it is like a physical pain, but she will recover. And have no doubt deep inside you STBX is dying of shame. The worst bit for these men will be when they wake up in the wee small hours and everything hits them like a ton of bricks.

Take care 

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Agreed

Bronwen


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bronwen said:


> I must tell you this.
> 
> On the day my ex- husband was leaving for another woman (child bride) he looked at me and "I think I am making the biggest mistake of my life - I love you both so much (our daughter was 17 years old and totally bewildered) and I know when I walk through this door I will have thrown away most of my life"
> 
> ...


Psychiatrists and Marriage Counselors talk about in numerous books about how most men deeply regret leaving their wives for the OW.

It takes about 2 to five years for them to wake up to reality or when their young wife cuckolds them and then they want their old life back, but it's way too late. 

The shrinks say there are tons of Mid life crisis guys sitting in their office lamenting about their poor choices, but by then, the wife has moved on and will not take them back.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When we are trying R we expect the WS to do their darnest to keep honest. We know their hearts were turned. But when they tell us it is over we try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are telling us the truth (with both of our eyes wide open). On D-day I told my wife that she will not contact the OM. She promised me that she would not. Within three days she was talking to him. I found out. I went off. She told me that she needed to say goodbye and that the conversation was quick. I said it was not quick and I had to basically tell her what was said (I did not know what they said). I said there were I love you's, I will miss you, etc and she said yes. Since December 4th i have found no other evidence that they talked or communicated. I get it as far as the goodbyes are concern. I did not like it but I do understand.

My fear is that my wife will be like your husband and lie about contact. I hope that it does not happen and that it is all over.

Sorry you are back here with this sad tale. You are a sweet girl and this is such a big set back. The "fog" of the A has your husband doing stupid things. Really stupid things. He has her on his phone where you can find it. If he was smart he would go pay cash for a pay as you go phone and keep it secret. But that is part of the "fog" in that when these people cheat often times they can't think and that is how they get caught.

I would in one sense count it a blessing that you found it.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Bronwen, so sorry that this saga has continued for you. Just when you thought you'd finally achieved some peace. But it's best that he's shown his true colors. If he is, indeed, a narcissist, there is very little that you can do to change him. I have a good friend who is a therapist. Her take on narcissists is that they can change if confronted with loss of something ( or someone) very important to them, but it takes a tremendous amount of work, and they often are unwilling to follow through. Now you have to decide if you have the desire to stand by him while he makes up his mind to do the work. Hard decision. Take care of yourself first.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Psychiatrists and Marriage Counselors talk about in numerous books about how most men deeply regret leaving their wives for the OW.
> 
> It takes about 2 to five years for them to wake up to reality or when their young wife cuckolds them and then they want their old life back, but it's way too late.
> 
> The shrinks say there are tons of Mid life crisis guys sitting in their office lamenting about their poor choices, but by then, the wife has moved on and will not take them back.


You are so right.
My ex married a girl less than half his age.
He is now 70 years old with a 17 year old son - well Good Luck with that!

He also has three lovely grandchildren he has never seen and I think that must really hurt.

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.


Thank you

I love your name

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> When we are trying R we expect the WS to do their darnest to keep honest. We know their hearts were turned. But when they tell us it is over we try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are telling us the truth (with both of our eyes wide open). On D-day I told my wife that she will not contact the OM. She promised me that she would not. Within three days she was talking to him. I found out. I went off. She told me that she needed to say goodbye and that the conversation was quick. I said it was not quick and I had to basically tell her what was said (I did not know what they said). I said there were I love you's, I will miss you, etc and she said yes. Since December 4th i have found no other evidence that they talked or communicated. I get it as far as the goodbyes are concern. I did not like it but I do understand.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am sorry you have been caused so much pain. I don't think everyone is like my husband. He lives in denial and could quite easily convince himself that what he is doing is fine as long as I don't find out. He turns a situation around in his head so that he has no responsibility for any damage he has done. He can convince himself of anything. He hates confrontation and avoids it at all costs and hates to be in the wrong - hence the Walter Mitty world.

He is too bloody arrogant to even think that I would check his phone now after the good job he thinks he did convincing me his* inappropriate relationship* (this is all we are allowed to call it) was over.

Don't worry. My motto is "Trust until you have reason not to"

Take care

Bronwen


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

bronwyn, did your ex husband ever come back and apologize? Is he still with his child bride? My left for a child bride as well. I am moving on, but I just love to hear disaster stories...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Bronwen, just another voice wishing you well.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> bronwyn, did your ex husband ever come back and apologize? Is he still with his child bride? My left for a child bride as well. I am moving on, but I just love to hear disaster stories...


He had been having an affair for about 4 months.
I knew it was going on because I found lipstick on his shirt and a pair of high heels in the footwell of the passenger side of his car.

I said nothing and pretended I didn't know. This was his second affair and I just wanted him to go.

He bought a house in a city about 80 mils away "to live alone". I knew his affair partner was already living with him

About a month after he left I had to ring him about a couple of legal things. During the conversation he made it quite clear that he still loved me and our daughter and would come back to us at the drop of a hat.

To this day his child bride knows nothing about this conversation or the fact that he would have left her if I had said the word.

This still gives me so much satisfaction!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So, you're sure he re-entered the contact right? Assuming that's the case, I'm really glad that you're taking control of your life. Good for you. Just as an aside, my iphone currently has about 1200 contacts. Many of them are duplicates, triplicates and more. Some are associated with names, some just email addresses. It would be difficult to purge a person from my contact list without doing multiple searches for every contact method ever used.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Bronwen, just another voice wishing you well.


Thank you so much for those kind thoughts

I really appreciate it

Bronwen


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> Even when they manage to convince the wife to take them back, they may end up with a dead marriage. My H is very sorry about his child "work wife", but I really don't care anymore, he can have 10 of them for all I care, just as long as I am kept in the loup for my own protection. My marriage is over for me, but his lingers on in very poor health. He went into that A telling himself that if I found out I would "just get over it" well I'm not doing that very well . Now he is frustrated and angry at times because I am so "mean and nasty" when I tell him this. I guess he would rather that I blow smoke up his butt like he did me while he was romancing the home wreaking little bi**h. I have had a lot of betrayal of one sort or another in my life( first marriage), and I thought he was my haven from it all. He keeps hoping and I try to be polite most of the time. It's not what I signed on for. I do hope it can improve, but I am not as resilient as I was when I was younger.


I was also betrayed in my first marriage -twice that I know of. Both APs were half his age. I don't think he could cope with a grown-up woman. The marriage never recovered from the first affair but my ex was a very controlling aggressive drinker and for many years I was too frightened to leave him.

I wish I had left years before I did as staying with him has had a very bad effect on my daughter and I feel very guilty about that.

My present husband also betrayed me and he thinks I should just get over it. I am now trying hard to do the 180 and it has begun to make a difference.

I deal with him by keeping a smile on my face and saying b*****d in my head!

I have noticed also that the more I ignore him the more he has been dancing around trying to get my attention.

I am trying hard to get over the devastation his cheating has caused by not making him the centre of my life anymore. I don't ask him any questions about his EA because that always ended up in a huge row and made me feel worse (if that's possible).

I think my lack of interest is beginning to make him feel quite unimportant whereas as before when I would question him constantly and he would get angry, but I think in a peverse way he enjoyed the attention and the fact that he had two women who wanted him.

The last time we talked about it I just said "she can have you!" and he didn't like that at all.

I hope things work out for you.

Take care

Bronwen.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Hi Bronwen -

Read through your post. Sorry for your troubles.

A couple of your comments really struck me. 



bronwen said:


> My present husband also betrayed me and he thinks I should just get over it. I am now trying hard to do the 180 and it has begun to make a difference.
> 
> I deal with him by keeping a smile on my face and saying b*****d in my head!


I think you don't recognize that staying with him is your choice alone. Do you think that being angry is helping you in any way?

He violated a boundary and your marriage vows. What are you going to do about that? No judgements, but I think you need to own the decision - whatever you decide to do.

For me, infidelity is a bright line. I have faced infidelity in an LTR but not in my marriage. At this point, I think that my marriage has evolved to a point where there is no excuse. We are both too aware and our relationship is too communicative to believe that I would find any excuse good enough to try and reconcile. Relationships are lots of work and I think I would build a new one with someone else before I put the work in to resurrect my own in the event of infidelity.

In retrospect, there was enough dysfunction early in our relationship that I could see infidelity then as being a catalyst towards positive growth. 



bronwen said:


> I am trying hard to get over the devastation his cheating has caused by not making him the centre of my life anymore.


He probably should never have been the centre of your life. Think about all the poems that talk about trees not growing in each other's shadows. There is a reason why these poets write this way. For what it is worth, I am a hopeless romantic.



bronwen said:


> I don't ask him any questions about his EA because that always ended up in a huge row and made me feel worse (if that's possible).


Doesn't sound like he is being very remorseful. Until you started doing the 180 - doesn't sound like there were any consequences to his bad behavior.



bronwen said:


> I think my lack of interest is beginning to make him feel quite unimportant whereas as before when I would question him constantly and he would get angry, but I think in a peverse way he enjoyed the attention and the fact that he had two women who wanted him.


Forget your relationship and quit paying any attention to your hubby right now. Make yourself the best person you can be. Exercise, eat well, take a class, whatever makes you energized and passionate. He doesn't deserve your attention. Make yourself strong enough to live without him. Then make the choice, if he works hard enough to earn it, to bless him with your attention and love.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> Hi Bronwen -
> 
> Read through your post. Sorry for your troubles.
> 
> ...


I have been doing my best at the 180 since about a week ago. I seem to learn a bit more about changing my behaviour every day and it does seem to eb having an effect. 

He has not been very remorseful, but in a weird way it make it easier to detach from him.

I am still angry but not in the intense way I was before. I don't scream and shout anymore and have stopped asking questions.

It is a year since it happened and I am only just beginning to feel strong again - which is a good thing. 

I agree totally, my husband should not ever have been the centre of my life - like it says in Kiplings "IF":-

*"Let all men count with you but none too much"*

I find it impossible now to be anything other than detached from my husband.

Since I found out last week that theOw contact details were back on his phone (he made a big show of deleting them on Dday a year ago) something shifted in my thinking. It shows me what a fake he is.

I am making plans to takie a a course in black and white photography and intend to learn British Sign Language. It's a start anyway

Bronwen


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bronwen,

My heart goes out to you as I know how hard all of this is to go through. You are doing what you need to. 

There's not a lot more to say as I don't feel a need to repeat all the good advice and support everyone is giving you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and supporting you as well.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Bronwen,
> 
> My heart goes out to you as I know how hard all of this is to go through. You are doing what you need to.
> 
> There's not a lot more to say as I don't feel a need to repeat all the good advice and support everyone is giving you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and supporting you as well.


Thank you very much. I'm am absolutely overwhelmed by the support I have had from the lovely people on this forum. I haven't told anyone about what happened because I find it so humiliating -
especially at my age.

I find myself looking at couples in the street and thinking "I wonder if he's done this to her and if not then why not".

I'm sticking with the 180 and learning something new every day.

Take care

Bronwen


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

bronwen said:


> Thank you very much. I'm am absolutely overwhelmed by the support I have had from the lovely people on this forum. I haven't told anyone about what happened because I find it so humiliating -
> especially at my age.
> 
> I find myself looking at couples in the street and thinking "I wonder if he's done this to her and if not then why not".
> ...


Hi Bromwen. You sound like a lovely person. 

I never told anyone about my wife's EA either because of feeling the same way. Yes, humiliation probably sums it up. But, in hindsight, I'm glad now that I didn't.

And yes, every couple I saw, I asked myself, "Hmmmm, I wonder if anything has gone on there."

All part of it, unfortunately. However, you're certainly dealing with it much better than many of us here did in our situations.

All the best,

M.


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Mario Kempes said:


> Hi Bromwen. You sound like a lovely person.
> 
> I never told anyone about my wife's EA either because of feeling the same way. Yes, humiliation probably sums it up. But, in hindsight, I'm glad now that I didn't.
> 
> ...



Thank you Mario, lovely to meet you.

I have only just started to change my ways. It has been a year since this happened until until a week ago I did everything wrong. I was paranoid, checking up on him all the time, shouting asking the same questions over and over again. I am surprised I didn't have a heart attack - I used to shake so mcuh and have terrifying palpatations every time I tried to sneak a look at his phone. Behaving in this way got me nowhere. 

It is only since I shared my story on this forum and had sound advice from so many lovely people that my thinking changed. 

Now I never check up on him or ask him about his whereabouts and do you know this has freed me. I seem to have broken the lock that kept me prisoner for so long and i can now have a day without sadness.

One of the biggest losses for me is that I can't be myself in his company anymore. I am never sure how to behave so rightly or wrongly, as of now I try not to show any vulnerability or hurt. I am just polite,speak when spoken to but otherwise try hard to keep my mouth shut.

Only taking baby steps at the moment but it has changed him already he seems really confused and is bending over backwards to please me - trouble is I think it's too late.

You have a good day!

Bronwen


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bronwen said:


> I have noticed also that the more I ignore him the more he has been dancing around trying to get my attention.
> 
> I am trying hard to get over the devastation his cheating has caused by not making him the centre of my life anymore. I don't ask him any questions about his EA because that always ended up in a huge row and made me feel worse (if that's possible).
> 
> ...




It's all still a game though. Seriously, if we need to do a 180 to get them to want us, it's just a game to them.

I notice the same with my cheater husband. I told him he could have his OW, in fact I think they deserve each other, two cheaters. 

Now that I have talked to an attorney and will be filing this week, he is ever more remorseful.

At first he showed no remorse and said too many hurtful things he could never take back. 

We had one false R, but I am not willing to go through another.

He later said he said nasty things because he was angry. Still, I could forgive words said in anger if there was not OW in the scenario. Also, initially Why in heck was he angry. I did not have an affair, he did. So, he was angry I caught him and cut of his cake.

Anyway, he said that he can't stand the sight of the OW. He said it was like she was an enticing piece of cake, but after eating it he feels sick.

But then why the false R. Why did he contact her a week after DDay, why did he go to a men's club in the middle of what appeared to be a great recovery?


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## bronwen (Apr 29, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> It's all still a game though. Seriously, if we need to do a 180 to get them to want us, it's just a game to them.
> 
> I notice the same with my cheater husband. I told him he could have his OW, in fact I think they deserve each other, two cheaters.
> 
> ...


Your story sounds very similar to mine.
My H said "sorry" twice. In the first days after Dday he seemed to be really upset that he had hurt me but soon after he just wanted me to foget it and "get over it - it was nothing".

Over the last few months he has refused to talk about it.

One night I asked "do you realise how much you've hurt me?" and he said "yes - you keep telling me".

At the time I was terrified of losing him and took a lot of really cruel remarks on the chin.

Since I found OWs number back on his phone last week, things have changed.

I don't know where this new attitude will take me but there's no turning back now.

I don't really know how much contact they have had so I have to accept that. I don't have access to his phone bill and there's nothing on his computer

I think they contact the OW after agreeing to R because the CAN. It makes them feel in control. I realised yesterday how much my H treats me on a need-to-know basis.

If he decides sometime soon to be transparent about the whole thing I have a feeling it is now too late.

I am so sorry you have been hurt in this way - I really feel for you.

Bronwen.

PS I have never heard him say anything bad about his OW -tells me something!


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