# Needing advise and support



## Bluesgirl28 (May 4, 2019)

Hi everyone. I'm new here and just registered. I'm in need of some support but to be honest don't know exactly where to post because my situation kind fits lots of categories.

So, i've been married for almost five years, together for 8. I have 2 grown children from previous marriage and my husband also has one. All kids have left home. When I first met my husband i fell completely head over heels in love, he romanced me, paid me compliments, everything you can imagine, champagne roses etc. About 18 months into our relationship, one day I got a message out of the blue from a random woman telling me the worst news. I confronted my then boyfriend and he denied everything, saying they were just friends. She sent me the messages confirming he was coming on to her online in a very graphic way. Anyway long story short that opened up the can of worms and i started looking at his phone to which i found years worth of vile, pronographic messages, pics, just vile stuff with other random women. I delved deeper on his laptop and found same. I cant even give details, it brings back too much anxiety. Again i confronted him and gave him an ultimatum and said i don't do lies and deceit. Long story short again, i made him go to counselling where he was referred to specific sex addiction therapy. This cost him thousands of pounds, but he reluctantly went and over time I saw a big change in him. He became more open and honest and told me lots more about his past etc. Moving forward we got married 2 years into our relationship and still for some time i checked his phone and laptop but he knew about it, we became very open. All this made me a very anxious person. It affected my sleep, my appetite, my mental health, and for some time the gp put me on anti anxiety meds. 

Moving forward to last week, i thought he was acting odd again, and after some thinking that maybe something was going on, i checked his phone and there it was. Long chatty funny texts going on for weeks and weeks with a women he knows from a social sports group. She is going through cancer and he said were just friends and is trying to support her. Well to say i lost the plot is an understatement. I asked him to show me the messages so i could fully read them but by that point he had deleted them all....he said in anger!

Weve talked about splitting, he said he needs some freedom, and said me and him hadn't been friends for some time and he wasn't sure if he loved me. I'm distraught all over again. I hadn't checked up on him for about 3 years and now this. I'm not sleeping again, and I feel he has ruined what we had built up over the years after such a rocky start.

I also have serious concerns about his internet gaming which I've told him is his new addiction. he can be on his phone playing candy crush for 3-4 hours at a time. During this he almost spaces out and isn't present in the room. He tells me i'm just constantly nagging him. I just want my husband back. Ive suggested counselling but he says we don't need it. (if this post is in the wrong section please say and Ill move it)

Any advise ??


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You knowingly married a man with an addictive personality. What you loved initially was his attention and the limerence--just as all the other women did/do. You can be the husband police over and over for the rest of your life, ignore his infidelity, or leave......


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Because you hadn’t checked up on him for so long he felt safe enough to start his bs again. If it was something as simple as sharing jokes why was he so defensive and more to the point why did he delete the evidence that would have proven that there was nothing sexual in their texts. 
You can download software that will recover the deleted texts if you want to but it will probably just be more heartache for you. Chances are he will never let you have his phone anyway. 
You have given him one chance before and look what happened. 
You know the adage “Fool me once shame on you,fool me twice shame on me.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I agree with sunsetmist. You have 2 choices. Stay and continue in this pattern for God knows how long or leave. Without even knowing you, I'd say you're worth more than repeating this pattern over and over. My advice is get all your ducks in a row and leave him. 

I'm sorry, I'm sure it hurts but that hurt will fade while staying is causing you long term hurt...nobody should ever need medication just to deal with their spouse. For your own mental health you need to leave. *hugs*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Bluesgirl28 I am sorry this is happening.

I think that your husband is cheating on you. Perhaps not physically, but emotionally.

I have moved your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.

Your husband doesn't see counselling as necessary? From his point of view, that's probably correct. He has a perfect life. You, however, do not and your needs must be addressed, too.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You don't have children together. Luckily.

If his messages were so repulsive, why weren't you repulsed? You are finding out now that you should have been. You're hanging on to something that you should have let go a long time ago. He's decided that your conditions are just too much work. You should decide that his character is just too flawed. Why not take this as a message from the universe and free yourself?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do yourself a huge favor and end this marriage. He has shown you who he really is and has told you he lacks feeling for you. Nothing to fight for here. Don’t give him another minute of your effort or love. Divorce him and give yourself a chance to find a real man who will love only you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say you want your husband back, but he never was the man you thought he was. 
He covered his bad behaviour up for a time, but then it emerged and you even agreed to marry him despite knowing this. I suspect this is why his first marriage ended because of his cheating. I am afraid you have married a man who lies, cheats and deceives. I am sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The term 'sex addict' is thrown around by *unqualified *therapists all the time whenever they need to explain away serial cheating. It's the easiest go-to these therapists have nowadays. If he's been sexting random women for years then by golly, he MUST be a 'sex addict!' If he's had multiple affairs, then he MUST be a 'sex addict!' They make their unqualified 'diagnosis,' send him to a bunch of SA meetings, and feel all accomplished - and *happy* to take all your insurance money (or your out of pocket money), of course. 

I've found it completely amazing, however, that whenever we have men posters who are married to serial cheating women, they're never 'diagnosed' by these therapists as sex addicts. Well that's awful strange, isn't it? I guess it's just a 'man' disease. 

Look, your serial cheating husband KNEW he was on thin ice after he was caught and that he no choice but to attend SA meetings as a way to placate you. It was either that or divorce court, so he went to his SA meetings as 'prescribed.' He cleaned up his act (at least in front of *you*, he did), he watched his Ps and Qs and who knows - maybe he really did behave himself for a while while the heat was on. You eventually started to relax, life started going back to business as usual, but now, he's started to feel like a caged animal because he can't be away from you doing his cheating anymore. That's what happens when you try to tame a serial cheater - it only works for a little while until they're right back to their old tricks again. 

You *DO* know his chatty, flirty, emotional ongoing investment in this newest woman is NOT 'sex addict' behavior, don't you? Sex addicts don't seek an emotional bond with *anyone*; a sex addict's hyper-sexuality makes them powerless over their addiction and drives them to behave in much more aggressive ways with ONE goal in sight. They don't act flirty and school-boyish and cultivate a special _friendship_ over weeks and weeks like he's been doing with this woman. This latest affair is about as opposite from 'sex addict' behavior as it GETS.

I think you need to face the fact that this guy is a* serial cheater, *always looking for an opportunity. That doesn't make him a sex addict. His therapist merely gave him a get out of jail free card for his **** behavior is all. Now, whenever he cheats on you, he gets to claim it's his 'addiction' making him do it. What a load of *manure*.

Now that you're monitoring him and he doesn't have the freedom to come and go whenever he wants and he can't get away with his bull**** sexting and/or going out and cheating on you anymore, he's now 'stuck' at home with you and sadly, he's not happy to be there. His 'happy husband' act that he's been putting on for you after being caught has worn incredibly tiresome for him, so he's found a way to avoid that - his new gaming habit. I don't think this is about 'addiction' at all as much as it is his blatant attempt to avoid being in the 'present' with you. It's painfully obvious he's NOT emotionally invested in you *or* your marriage. I honestly think he just stays because he has nowhere else to go and couldn't afford it if he did have somewhere to go.

You can send him to all the SA meetings in the world and it isn't going to *change* the fact that the guy is a serial cheater, plain and simple. My bet is that he's got himself a burner phone that you don't know about, and he's continued trying to find women to hook up with using that phone. But now, he can only do his monkey business during the day and is on 'lock-down' at night. I think the only reason he's been using his regular phone for this latest woman is probably because it started out innocently enough, so he didn't think twice about using his regular phone, but serial cheater that he IS, he eventually _had_ to raise the stakes until it wasn't so innocent. I'm not surprised, nor should you be.

It was only a matter of time before you caught him again, OP. Welcome to the rest of your life with a *serial cheater* . I think eventually, you'll get tired of the constant lies and cheating and his phony addiction excuse to explain it all away every time he does it.

As the others have said, the wisest thing you could ever do is divorce this serial cheater and move on. Every time you catch him *again* and you stay with him, you sadly lower the bar, you lower your boundaries, you lower your expectations in life, and you lower your self respect. The time will come when you realize you don't even *have *these things anymore because you've continually sold them off in little pieces.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you are in for a whole painful roller coaster ride. I’m sorry


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The term 'sex addict' is thrown around by *unqualified *therapists all the time whenever they need to explain away serial cheating. It's the easiest go-to these therapists have nowadays. If he's been sexting random women for years then by golly, he MUST be a 'sex addict!' If he's had multiple affairs, then he MUST be a 'sex addict!' They make their unqualified 'diagnosis,' send him to a bunch of SA meetings, and feel all accomplished - and *happy* to take all your insurance money (or your out of pocket money), of course.
> 
> I've found it completely amazing, however, that whenever we have men posters who are married to serial cheating women, they're never 'diagnosed' by these therapists as sex addicts. Well that's awful strange, isn't it? I guess it's just a 'man' disease.
> 
> ...


I so agree, Its amazing how every time a famous man is caught cheating(think Tiger Woods),he apparently has a 'sex addiction'. Its just an excuse to behave badly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You gave him a second chance hoping he would prove to be the man you thought he was. But this is who he really is. If you stay this is what you will be dealing with for the rest of your marriage. 

.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> You gave him a second chance hoping he would prove to be the man you thought he was. But this is who he really is. If you stay this is what you will be dealing with for the rest of your marriage.
> 
> .


Men like him rarely change, they may pretend to change. I would suggest you do the 180, disengage, live your own life, do things for yourself, improve yourself, get more education, change your look, stop focusing on him you are only wasting your life. You are enabling him and his bad behaviour, kick him to the kerb.


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## Bluesgirl28 (May 4, 2019)

Wow, thanks everyone for your honest input. Its so hard isn't it to put every bit of detail into the initial message. I think if i was reading it from someone else I would also be saying the same. The last few mornings I've woken up with the same physical feeling as i had last time...such severe anxiety (butterflies) in my tummy that i cant shift. I haven't been able to eat anything yet. A dry mouth and feeling like i'm shaking almost with fear. I know I don't help myself as i have always been quite a jealous person.

So hubby has been a bit more attentive the last few days and has made some more effort. He took me for a nice meal last night and has given me lots of hugs. he said he is worried about me as i'm so quiet. he says he is not concerned about 'us' anymore, but just about me. I've reflected on that comment and think because hes 'got away with it' again that he thinks ill just put up with it. So i had asked him for honesty and transparency regarding his 'friend' and since then hes mentioned her name about 20 times, so maybe i cant handle it. I haven't reacted the same, I've been calm and tried to react as if they are just friends. I don't know if the texts are still going on. While we were at the meal, he mentioned her again ! How shes coping so well with chemo, prob because shes so physically fit, cant believe shes still exercising, she looks so well. etc etc.

I'm pretty much convinced that this marriage wont last. Its just a case of when do i get out, and how do i provide for myself while i'm trying to set up my own business and at present have zero income. And how do i make myself fall out of love with him in the process !

As a side line to these issues, we have issues with our kids. His daughter who is 21 has lied and manipulated me and he takes her side, his little girl. he also hates my youngest to the point where they speak when in the same room barely. My son is confident, self assured and doing well for himself. my husband hates that !

Also, i would like your advise. I've got this ladys contact number, i took it out of his phone. Ive told him ive got it. he seemed very very worried that i might get in touch with her...Should I? I wouldn't be nasty or aggressive, which he thinks i will be, but he does seem to be somehow protecting her from me ! He said thank you for not texting her. I said I've still got her number, dont speak to soon. Would you contact her ?? Ask some questions?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bluesgirl28 said:


> I'm pretty much convinced that this marriage wont last. Its just a case of when do i get out, and how do i provide for myself while i'm trying to set up my own business and at present have zero income. And how do i make myself fall out of love with him in the process !


You can love him and still end this. I say it all the time, love isnt enough. Is this the kind of disrespect you want for yourself for the next 30 years of your life?



Bluesgirl28 said:


> Also, i would like your advise. I've got this ladys contact number, i took it out of his phone. Ive told him ive got it. he seemed very very worried that i might get in touch with her...Should I? I wouldn't be nasty or aggressive, which he thinks i will be, but he does seem to be somehow protecting her from me ! He said thank you for not texting her. I said I've still got her number, dont speak to soon. Would you contact her ?? Ask some questions?


Hm, interesting.... he feels protective over this woman, yet has total disregard for your feelings about his interacting with her. Kind shifts into focus where his priority lies, yes? I am of two thoughts on contacting her.. first thought is, yes contact her but not right now. Give him a little more line to hang himself, or to save himself... see which happens over the next few weeks. Second thought... there are apps you can load on your phone that allow you to text and call under a different phone number. You could download this app and contact her pretending to be him, under the guise of hiding from you by using this app. See what kind of conversation you can have. If he finds out, who the hell cares??

I am sorry she is sick, but that doesnt make it ok to be leaning on another woman's husband!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bluesgirl28 said:


> I also have serious concerns about his internet gaming which I've told him is his new addiction. he can be on his phone playing candy crush for 3-4 hours at a time. During this he almost spaces out and isn't present in the room. He tells me i'm just constantly nagging him.


Unfortunately, you married one of 'those' men. The ones who grow up with a mom taking care of them so all they have to think about is making themselves happy. He got divorced, most likely because he was cheating on her, ignoring her, and treating her like crap - and 'nagging' him - so he needed a new woman to take care of him, so he picked you.

Do you know what the #1 trait is in such a man? They can literally schmooze the socks off of you. It's what they do. They learn this as a kid, boys sharing tips on how to get in a girl's pants, what lies to tell, how to make the girl so giddy she'll drop everything for you. And then once they have you, they go back to who they really are - a serial cheater. Trust me, it's not an anomaly; I can name 7 or 8 guys who just think it's their right to get sex wherever they can, even while married.

He was perfectly happy being married to you, even going through therapy, as long as he still got to do whatever he wanted. Like play games for 4 hours while you sit in another chair and wait. Oh, after you cooked for him, cleaned the house, and washed his clothes, I'll wager.

But when you call him out on stuff, then you're 'nagging' and you're 'no fun' anymore. 

Unfortunately, he will never change. He may have learned how to control SOME of his actions in therapy, but that didn't change who he is.

You deserve better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're considering staying, tell him to set up a polygraph and if he passes it with reasonable honesty (nobody's 100% honest), you'll consider not divorcing him. It's a great litmus test (what he does when you demand it, I mean).

And as for the woman's number, why waste time calling her? You should be getting her husband's name and number and call HIM.


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## Bluesgirl28 (May 4, 2019)

So just to clarify a few things....while i appreciate everyone honest opinions, there is quite a lot of assumptions too and hubby's past and justification for his behaviour. yes he was married before, she cheated on him and was already pregnant with her other mans baby on his wedding day. She didn't tell him until the day his dad died 2 weeks later. So basically on the same day he lost his dad and in theory his wife. he reminds me of this regularly. Hubby was also brought up by his mother who was a raging narcissist and control freak and even when i met him she used to come around to iron his friggin pants ! I soon put a stop to that and we haven't had contact with her since our wedding day, which we both feel better about. 

I'm not trying to defend him, i just want people to know more of the story that's all. The 'friend' who he is in contact with is single by the way !

I think someone on an earlier post mentioned maybe not to contact her right now, and I think that's right. I need to give him enough rope to hang himself on...


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## Loveshorror (Feb 27, 2019)

I think at this point you need to stop twisting yourself into a pretzel about his motives, his actions and trying to get into his head. It’s hurting you and keeping you stuck and scared to act. And by that I don’t mean go out and file this minute.

Instead, work on detaching and getting your business going so you are self-sufficient. See a lawyer to know what a divorce looks like (I don’t recall if you did). IOW, change your focus to your exit plan. Sorry, he’s shown you who he is - believe him and get off the hopium train.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Bluesgirl28 said:


> So just to clarify a few things....while i appreciate everyone honest opinions, there is quite a lot of assumptions too and hubby's past and justification for his behaviour. yes he was married before, she cheated on him and was already pregnant with her other mans baby on his wedding day. She didn't tell him until the day his dad died 2 weeks later. So basically on the same day he lost his dad and in theory his wife. he reminds me of this regularly. Hubby was also brought up by his mother who was a raging narcissist and control freak and even when i met him she used to come around to iron his friggin pants ! I soon put a stop to that and we haven't had contact with her since our wedding day, which we both feel better about.
> 
> I'm not trying to defend him, i just want people to know more of the story that's all. The 'friend' who he is in contact with is single by the way !
> 
> I think someone on an earlier post mentioned maybe not to contact her right now, and I think that's right. I need to give him enough rope to hang himself on...


“If you can't understand why someone is doing something, look at the consequences of their actions, whatever they might be, and then infer the motivations from their consequences. 

For example if someone is making everyone around them miserable and you'd like to know why, their motive may simply be to make everyone around them miserable including themselves.” JP


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband keeps blundering around doing stupid things. Stupid things that hurt you.

He had a bad mom. That's a pity.

His first wife cheated on him. Oh dear.

He keeps hurting you. That is not acceptable.

You are not his mother, nor are you his first wife.

He does not get to take stuff out on you.


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