# The Betrayal Hurts More



## I_Am_Unwritten83 (May 31, 2021)

D-Day was towards the end of May this year (around my birthday, no less), and since then, we’ve been in marriage counseling. It’s been going well. We’ve had some deep, good discussions during it, and have continued open communication at home. My husband’s infidelity was a one-time event, as opposed to a lengthy affair (I feel like that matters, but maybe it doesn’t). But although the act itself hurt me, as I’m healing and allowing myself to feel more emotions about what happened, I’m realizing two things hurt more: 1) The betrayal itself—the lie. He had the presence of mind to contact this person days prior to meeting, where they flirted a bit, then they met up and “did their thing.” My husband told me he had to work late. Then he came home like nothing happened. He did confess two days later, but it’s still a betrayal. 2) The fact he thought he had a right to violate my trust and step out on me just because he was horny and curious. I’ve wondered what it’d be like to be with other guys (he’s the only man I’ve ever been with), but I’d never act on that curiosity and hurt him that way. So why does HE get to? Any tips for healing from the feeling of betrayal?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I_Am_Unwritten83 said:


> D-Day was towards the end of May this year (around my birthday, no less), and since then, we’ve been in marriage counseling. It’s been going well. We’ve had some deep, good discussions during it, and have continued open communication at home. My husband’s infidelity was a one-time event, as opposed to a lengthy affair (I feel like that matters, but maybe it doesn’t). But although the act itself hurt me, as I’m healing and allowing myself to feel more emotions about what happened, I’m realizing two things hurt more: 1) The betrayal itself—the lie. He had the presence of mind to contact this person days prior to meeting, where they flirted a bit, then they met up and “did their thing.” My husband told me he had to work late. Then he came home like nothing happened. He did confess two days later, but it’s still a betrayal. 2) The fact he thought he had a right to violate my trust and step out on me just because he was horny and curious. I’ve wondered what it’d be like to be with other guys (he’s the only man I’ve ever been with), but I’d never act on that curiosity and hurt him that way. So why does HE get to? Any tips for healing from the feeling of betrayal?


Time and distance work best, but if you're committed to reconciliation, distance will be difficult to achieve. That said, he has to do his part in helping you to recover.

So, with that in mind, to what degree is his AP (affair partner) still in his life? Who is she... a co-worker? Neighbor? Mutual friend or acquaintance? Or just a random person?

How forthcoming has he been in answering your questions? Has he committed to an NC (no contact) policy with AP going forward?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My suggestion right now is to figure out what you want to do. Stay married or divorce. 

If you want to see what other men would be like, I suggest you divorce and see what it’s like. 

If you want to stay married, don’t lower yourself to a cheater’s level. There have been those that have had revenge affairs and it almost never goes well. 

Don’t lose who you are in this.


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## I_Am_Unwritten83 (May 31, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> So, with that in mind, to what degree is his AP (affair partner) still in his life? Who is she... a co-worker? Neighbor? Mutual friend or acquaintance? Or just a random person?
> 
> How forthcoming has he been in answering your questions? Has he committed to an NC (no contact) policy with AP going forward?


You can check out my first post here for the whole story, but in a nutshell: he had repressed bisexual feelings that came to a head, and he spontaneously decided to explore a hook-up site, met some random guy, and had a one-time thing. He confessed two days after because he felt disgusted and guilty. I had a lot of people tell me to run now and that he’s “obviously gay” and won’t stop. We chose counseling first and through the course of it, he’s battled suicidal ideation from the guilt, he never wants to do it again, he wants to stay with me, he’s been extremely remorseful since it happened and accepts any feelings I have and is fully committed to doing whatever he can to help me heal and get his own help. In addition to marriage counseling, we’re each receiving individual therapy. Immediately after it happened, he was so disgusted, he blocked the guy’s number and email, deleted the site he went to, and has been transparent about everything. He’s accepted he’s bisexual, but has committed to remain loyal to me and our family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@I_Am_Unwritten83 His bisexuality isn't the issue here, really. The issue is that he cheated on you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Approximately how old is your child?

This seems like a deep seeded issues as it happened before you were with him also. What was the reason he told you? Did someone threaten to out him?

You should be considering that this wasn't the only time he's done this during your marriage.

Cheaters lie, a lot.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I hope you insisted on him taking a full range of std tests up to and including hiv. And if you decide to stay insist on him taking another hiv test in or around ninety days after the first one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I_Am_Unwritten83 said:


> You can check out my first post here for the whole story, but in a nutshell: he had repressed bisexual feelings that came to a head, and he spontaneously decided to explore a hook-up site, met some random guy, and had a one-time thing. He confessed two days after because he felt disgusted and guilty. I had a lot of people tell me to run now and that he’s “obviously gay” and won’t stop. We chose counseling first and through the course of it, he’s battled suicidal ideation from the guilt, he never wants to do it again, he wants to stay with me, he’s been extremely remorseful since it happened and accepts any feelings I have and is fully committed to doing whatever he can to help me heal and get his own help. In addition to marriage counseling, we’re each receiving individual therapy. Immediately after it happened, he was so disgusted, he blocked the guy’s number and email, deleted the site he went to, and has been transparent about everything. He’s accepted he’s bisexual, but has committed to remain loyal to me and our family.


Ehhh… he’s lying.

Sorry. 😢


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> I hope you insisted on him taking a full range of std tests up to and including hiv. And if you decide to stay insist on him taking another hiv test in or around ninety days after the first one.


And then yearly for… well, forever.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some can overcome the betrayal and some can’t. It will take a lot of time to deal with all of this and try to rebuild your marriage — if that’s possible. You won’t ever trust him the way you once did and you shouldn’t. I wish you the best.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I_Am_Unwritten83 said:


> D-Day was towards the end of May this year (around my birthday, no less), and since then, we’ve been in marriage counseling. It’s been going well. We’ve had some deep, good discussions during it, and have continued open communication at home. My husband’s infidelity was a one-time event, as opposed to a lengthy affair (I feel like that matters, but maybe it doesn’t). But although the act itself hurt me, as I’m healing and allowing myself to feel more emotions about what happened, I’m realizing two things hurt more: 1) The betrayal itself—the lie. He had the presence of mind to contact this person days prior to meeting, where they flirted a bit, then they met up and “did their thing.” My husband told me he had to work late. Then he came home like nothing happened. He did confess two days later, but it’s still a betrayal. 2) The fact he thought he had a right to violate my trust and step out on me just because he was horny and curious. I’ve wondered what it’d be like to be with other guys (he’s the only man I’ve ever been with), but I’d never act on that curiosity and hurt him that way. So why does HE get to? Any tips for healing from the feeling of betrayal?


So it was entirely premeditated and planned ahead. That does make it harder because it wasn't an unplanned drunken thing. Not that that makes it in anyway ok either but the planning seems so mercenary. 
Trust takes a minute to shatter but years to rebuild.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Being bisexual makes no difference. Cheating is cheating. 
Counselling won't stop him cheating. Cheating usually signifies low moral values and a weak character. You can't solve those things through counseling.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You know how the saying goes op “first time is the hardest”. Next time he won’t feel so bad about it.
I can’t emphasize this enough, you need him to have a full range of std tests and under no circumstances have sex with him until the results are known. He was probably with a male prostitute despite his story and the hiv rate among these men is far higher than female sex workers. I’m not trying to frighten you but you have to protect yourself in this situation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Being bisexual makes no difference. Cheating is cheating.
> Counselling won't stop him cheating. Cheating usually signifies low moral values and a weak character. You can't solve those things through counseling.


Further evidence of low moral values and weak character in the fact that he was having a conversation with her about this on the very day he cheated on her. He made a supposedly heartfelt confession at the exact same time he was in the middle of creating another lie. I'm not sure of the timing, but he either admitted to the past male hookup and still being curious either right before or after he went and had another hookup. I'm not sure which is worse. I can guarantee this man will do it again. He is obviously conflicted with his sexuality which is a problem in itself. Plus is a proven liar and cheater and those things only get easier each time you do them. 

@I_Am_Unwritten83 The betrayal is still going on if you are honest with yourself. This man isn't going to be faithful and you are shouldering the responsibility for him. He lied directly to your face as he was supposedly making a confession. As soon as the urge hits him again he is going to do whatever he wants to relieve it. I think the best way to deal with the feelings of betrayal is to distance yourself from the source of the betrayal.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

I_Am_Unwritten83 said:


> Any tips for healing from the feeling of betrayal?


Healing takes time...years, in fact.
The mind movies will eventually fade and when they do come, it won't be so gut wrenching.
Trust will never be the same, even if he does everything right from here on out...
And then there is always the chance that it will happen again 



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## I_Am_Unwritten83 (May 31, 2021)

We’ve been together 15 years, married for almost 8. To my knowledge, this has never happened during our relationship until now. And yes, he immediately went for STD testing and is due to go again at the end of this month.



re16 said:


> Approximately how old is your child?
> 
> This seems like a deep seeded issues as it happened before you were with him also. What was the reason he


Our child is 6. He confessed to the initial encounter in college (mentioned in my very first post) because the feelings came back up. He still doesn’t know WHY the feelings came up all the sudden. The night he told me about this college hookup was the same day he met the guy he’d been messaging. He felt disgusted with himself for doing it at all and felt guilty, so a couple days later, he admitted the rest. I know it’s easy to assume he’s going to act on the feelings again, BUT if he’s transparent now and re-committed and willing to do what it takes to work through things, it can be possible to move on through this…right? Like I said, the betrayal is what gets me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I_Am_Unwritten83 said:


> We’ve been together 15 years, married for almost 8. To my knowledge, this has never happened during our relationship until now. And yes, he immediately went for STD testing and is due to go again at the end of this month.
> 
> 
> Our child is 6. He confessed to the initial encounter in college (mentioned in my very first post) because the feelings came back up. He still doesn’t know WHY the feelings came up all the sudden. The night he told me about this college hookup was the same day he met the guy he’d been messaging. He felt disgusted with himself for doing it at all and felt guilty, so a couple days later, he admitted the rest. I know it’s easy to assume he’s going to act on the feelings again, BUT if he’s transparent now and re-committed and willing to do what it takes to work through things, it can be possible to move on through this…right? Like I said, the betrayal is what gets me.


This is such a simplistic perspective. It’s going to be in the back of your mind forever. 
And since it came up and he acted on his impulsive nature - it will likely come up again. 
What is his PLAN next time this selfish urge comes up?

You know what I find despicable? That he dumped ALL his guilt onto YOU to deal with!! 

He isn’t a loving man - not at all! You live with a selfish and self centered man who betrayed you!

You need a solid plan for the next time he does this - because it will happen again.

Stash $50K aside so you have a way out when he does it next time. Make him be the one to set aside that peace of mind FOR YOU… after all - he is the one who ruined your life with cheating.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You will never get over it - mainly because it’s a mind @uck. He isn’t the man you THOUGHT HE WAS. And you can’t be sure what kind of man he actually is!
And if you can’t reconcile that then it’s easier to divorce him. You will never have peace of mind.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This will probably repeat. Over and over. Sorry you’re here.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

It's so obvious the OP is in the bartering stage - willing to accept her bisexual husband who goes out and has NSA sex with strangers who he has NO idea what they may or may not be infected with. 

Counseling doesn't do SQUAT. All it does is make the betrayed feel better that they'd done SOMETHING and now they can start their wreck-conciliation (until he's caught the next time).

Stop lowering the bar, OP.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I_Am_Unwritten83 said:


> We’ve been together 15 years, married for almost 8. To my knowledge, this has never happened during our relationship until now. And yes, he immediately went for STD testing and is due to go again at the end of this month.
> 
> 
> Our child is 6. He confessed to the initial encounter in college (mentioned in my very first post) because the feelings came back up. He still doesn’t know WHY the feelings came up all the sudden. The night he told me about this college hookup was the same day he met the guy he’d been messaging. He felt disgusted with himself for doing it at all and felt guilty, so a couple days later, he admitted the rest. I know it’s easy to assume he’s going to act on the feelings again, BUT if he’s transparent now and re-committed and willing to do what it takes to work through things, it can be possible to move on through this…right? Like I said, the betrayal is what gets me.


If the encounter had been ooh-la-la, would he have felt so disgusted? Was he disgusted by making arrangements the same day he confessed to the college hookup? He was already playing his getoutofjailfree card by telling you about the college incident.

Sure, you can move on through this. Just ignore the lump under the rug and the elephant in the room. Be prepared to play marriage cop for a number of years. And, get regular STD tests.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would assume that their has been porn use of the type of encounter he had. He probably fantasizes about such things, are you ok with that?

Most of us on here who have seen these types of stories are very wary that this was a one time event. I truly think the more logical reason he told you was because he was under threat.... like someone was telling him, if you stop hooking up with me, I'll tell your wife.

I think you should do some hard core re-con on his whereabouts, phone calls, recover deleted texts if you can... perhaps threaten a poly (doesn't need to be real test, you are after a parking lot confession).

It seems like you are taking the story he told at face value, which is absolutely not the right way to do this.


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