# Im the offender...



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I committed several EAs.. I hate myself for everything. My husband has given me every opportunity to tell him the truth and I didn't. I was so scared of what he would do if he found out everything that I was holding back. He told me that if I told him everything that he would forgive me for it. I didn't. Whats wrong with me?!?! I love my husband with all my heart and soul, he is my life, my world, my everything. He knows everything now. He still thinks I'm lying, I don't blame him though, I wouldn't trust me either. No trust, none. He has none left. I know hes given me chances, plenty of times to tell the truth. But I was so scared! How messed up am I if I want our marriage to work but I didn't tell him the truth?! God I don't blame him. I want to gain everything back. I want to love him, make him happy, help heal his heart, mind and soul. I want to gain that trust back! I want him to know how important he is to me, how much I respect him, appreciate him! I will devote my life to him like I was meant to do in the first place. I broke our marriage vows! I know I dont deserve another chance, but I want it so badly. I want to fix everything! I want to be there, I need to be there. I have looked up a ton of info on gaining trust back, I have orders books, I want us to work. But he wants a D... I hurt him.. I hurt him so badly. The love of my life, the man I grew up with, the one who gave me his heart. Please anyone, please help. Any advice would be great! I want our marriage to work, but I'm sure he's done. He's told me multiple times... I want to hope though.. Please if anyone has advice for me, I know I messed up bad! I've sunk so low.. I want my magic button to go back in time and slap myself stupid for this.. Please help


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Offer to answer all questions in writing and go for a polygraph. The issue is see is you led your husband on by lying continuously and probably on a route of false recovery.

Before I say more : you don't happen to be married to another poster here , do you? If you are do not read his thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he wants a divorce and files, you will have to concede. Most divorces aren't mutual. Get to the bottom of why you did what you did. And face why you lied to him after he told you to come clean. Be accountable. Accept whatyou did and how its affected him and your marriage. Own it. Be honest from now on. Ask for another chance and take initiative on getting help and working to better yourself. The choice is his so you will have to respect whatever he decides.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

a few weeks until my divorce court date, and i still wish my wife would say that to me.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm answering all questions. He said for me to take a poly and I said I would. I'll even pay for an investigator!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Before I say more : you don't happen to be married to another poster here , do you? If you are do not read his thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had the exact same thought as I'm sure will everyone here - coincidence??

Wings - you've dug yourself a hole that will at best be extremely difficult to get out of, at worst it will be terminal to your marriage. All you can really do is beg forgiveness calmly and rationally, and offer to do anything and everything to prove your honesty. If he gives any glimmer of hope don't smother him, but do whatever he ask willingly and gladly and give him time to rebuild. It will not happen overnight. If he gives you that last opportunity do not ever lie to him again - even a lie of omission. You will have to be brutally honest with him for the rest of your marriage. Not to be crude but if you break wind you need to tell him before he smells it. If you're not prepared to be this honest, regardless of the consequences, spare him and let it be over. There can never be such a thing as a little white lie with you again.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I want to get to the bottom of it all. I want to fix it all. I will have to respect his choice in this, its just so hard. But then I think of the hell that I've put him through and think maybe this is best for him. But I dont want to let go..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you confess to him or did he find out on his own? How did he discover the affairs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WoL, if your H really wants a divorce it is his right. It seems like your biggest grievance is his trust in you which is now gone. That's why affairs suck, and both spouses lose, and is also why letting the truth trickle out is so much more destructive. Anyways not wanting to lecture you, but stay strong and patient, show him love but don't push him, the process will take some time but as the betrayed spouse I am realizing just how long this recovery can take, so give him time. Like Shoo, I too wish I had the chance to be the one to decide whether or not I wanted to offer R, but my stbx wanted no part and now I've let go and don't really want her back in my life as a partner if she wanted. Own up to the parts in your M that you failed, don't blameshift, don't stretch the truth or rewrite history, don't forget about the many good times and don't give up just be faithful. It may not work out that way you want but atleast know that you've done everything you could to grow past this.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I committed several EAs..
> 
> I will devote my life to him like I was meant to do in the first place.


When did you begin to feel like you wanted to devote your life to him? Was it after the first EA? Third? This is probably the key for him. Maybe he just needs to know why this time is different.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Have you told him what you said here? It sounds very familiar. Like Shoo and LON, I would love to hear what you have said. It would still be a lot of hard work, and in my case is probably way too late, but I'd advise you to tell your husband what you said here. Like the previous poster said, you will have to give him a legitimate and believable reason why your eyes are suddenly opened. Even then, go slowly and maybe the relationship could be re-built. Your old marriage is dead. Possibly, your husband would still consider building a new one.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The more you cry, plea and tell him you love him, the more he will want to get away from you. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and imagine if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you be skeptical? Of course you would. Don't resist him and instead agree with him that you understand and that you will abide by his decision to divorce you, if that is what he truly wants. Will this make him change his mind? I don't know but if he sees that there is nothing stoping him from filing for divorce, he may just stop long enough to consider if that is what he truly wants. I'm not trying to give you false hope here but by leaving yourself 'at the mercy of the court' it just might work in your favor.

Lastly, are you presently going to IC (individual counseling)? If you aren't please do so. You state that your husband is the love of your life and yet by your own admission, you had several EAs. This indicates that it wasn't unmet emotional needs that were the contributing factor to your choosing to have your EAs but something inside you instead. Your husband won't be satisfied with 'I don't know why I had the EAs' and you shouldn't either. You must find out what inside you made you choose to have these EAs or there is the very high probability that you will have more in the future, with or without your husband.

Your actions will tell your husband more about your sincerity than all of the words of love that you can shower him with.


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## pipe1 (Aug 15, 2011)

Well as being on the reciving end of an EA when you lie most of the time you have to tell two more to make up for the one you told.No trust there is No marriage,If hes heard you say I`m Sorry Ill never do it again time an time again it gets old and stale try saying that if I lie to you I`ll stop right then and tell you I lied and then tell you the truth right away some people lie because they cant help it. But they have to train there self to tell the truth.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Face and accept the consequences of your actions, and hopefully your husband will be able to find forgiveness for your sins, and hopefully you can forgive yourself as well. I hope both you and your husband will be able to work through this. Seek IC to find out why you feel the need to seek comfort outside your marriage.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Halien said:


> When did you begin to feel like you wanted to devote your life to him? Was it after the first EA? Third? This is probably the key for him. Maybe he just needs to know why this time is different.


Halien: Thats the messed up thing.. I've always wanted to devote my life to him. I always did in the beginning. When he returned from Iraq, the man I knew didnt come home. He was distant, no real communication, I was talking but it went in one ear and out the other. I know he was really depressed and I tried to help, suggesting a counselor and tried talking to him myself. But years of this happened. When our friend died, we became friends with his best friend. Telling him he could come over when ever he wanted. We just started out talking about our friend and how he could cope with things. Later it turned into me asking advice about my marriage. There was no flirting, no physical crap. It was mindless, stupid conversation. But it was someone to talk to when my husband and I couldnt. But when my husband came around and he did all these things for me. Doing things I wanted to do, talking etc.. he even bought me flowers almost everyday! but I still pushed him away and continued to talk to these people. I'm messed up I know. I just dont know what to do.. I will respect his decision with either one he chooses. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me. I look back at the **** I did and I dont even recognize me. I'm not the woman he married.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your input!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> Halien: Thats the messed up thing.. I've always wanted to devote my life to him. I always did in the beginning. When he returned from Iraq, the man I knew didnt come home. He was distant, no real communication, I was talking but it went in one ear and out the other. I know he was really depressed and I tried to help, suggesting a counselor and tried talking to him myself. But years of this happened. When our friend died, we became friends with his best friend. Telling him he could come over when ever he wanted. We just started out talking about our friend and how he could cope with things. Later it turned into me asking advice about my marriage. There was no flirting, no physical crap. It was mindless, stupid conversation. But it was someone to talk to when my husband and I couldnt. But when my husband came around and he did all these things for me. Doing things I wanted to do, talking etc.. he even bought me flowers almost everyday! but I still pushed him away and continued to talk to these people. I'm messed up I know. I just dont know what to do.. I will respect his decision with either one he chooses. I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong with me. I look back at the **** I did and I dont even recognize me. I'm not the woman he married.


You seem to understand how you wound up here, and you desperately want his forgiveness. Honestly, I think that if you can begin to forgive yourself, and move forward as the woman you want to be, then this will show him that a change has taken place. If he is the type who can move beyond this, seeing you moving forward in strength and determination will show him that you aren't vulnerable for future EAs. Granted, he expects remorse, but being a changed person can show him that this time is different.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> When he returned from Iraq, the man I knew didnt come home.
> 
> I'm not the woman he married.


Both statements are true. War is very ugly. I'm sure he did come home a different person. You have changed as well.

The marriage you had is dead. It may be possible to start a new relationship. It could become a much better relationship than the first marriage. Sometimes, we don't understand why we do the things we do. That would be something good to sort out with a counsellor. 

Maybe just take it slow. He very possibly was suffering from PTSD after coming home from the war. An affair can also trigger, and often does in my unqualified opinion, PTSD. Both are traumatic events. Maybe you can look into that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Is your husband a member of this forum? I ask because there is a male member who had a thread a day or two ago stating that he is done with his wife and her several EAs.


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## pipe1 (Aug 15, 2011)

Yes you are the woman he fell in love with. Its just that we get so caught up in our daily lives. and maybe you need more attention, You love your H but he`s the same you need the fog it sounds like.you must find out and do the right thing. No more lies.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Is your husband a member of this forum? I ask because there is a male member who had a thread a day or two ago stating that he is done with his wife and her several EAs.


Yes he is a member. I except the consequences of everyone knowing. He has been on here a long while now. I know he's given you all advice and support. I know he values everyones opinion on here, thank you for helping him. He is a good man, a great man! He's been there for me through thick and thin, we went through hell and back and I have betrayed him.. I know that you all will have a bias opinion but I hope you all will still give me advice and take mine as well.


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