# Facing an ultimatum - adopt a 3rd child or divorce



## dulcedulce (Jan 15, 2014)

My wife and I have 2 daughters, one by birth and one is adopted from China. A while ago, my wife bullied me into agreeing to adopt a 3rd child from China. She insinuated that we would break up if I didnt go along with it, and made my life a living hell by arguing about it repeatedly in front of our children - something I asked her not to do. Now that we are supposed to fly to china in a few months, I started to really resent the fact that I was being bullied into this huge life changing situation. We barely make ends meet as it is. She is qualified to be a teacher and i wanted her to go back to teaching but she would rather stay at home and be a new mommy. She will be working one day a week.

Recently, I told my wife that I didnt want to go through with the adoption, and she said that it was too late. Her aunt gave us the money and alot of it has been spent and she is somehow attached to this 2 year old that she wants. She said that if I tried to stop the adoption at this point, that we would be getting a divorce. I figured that we would be getting separated soon, so I chatted up this woman at work who i am very attracted to. That is on hold for now and we never had sex or anything, but there is something there in the future if i want it. I know that this was wrong, but I was out of my mind with stress and not using good judgement. It might have been a mini nervous breakdown. Right before christmas i told my wife that i really didnt want the adoption and somehow using her wife powers asked me if i was seeing someone else. I didnt want to lie, so i told her that there was someone i was interested in, but that nothing had happened yet. We fought and it was a very tense christmas break and nothing got resolved but we are scheduled to go to counseling in 2 weeks.

My wife showed up at my work last week with pictures of the child she wants to adopt. She showed them to the secretaries and told them that we were going to be adopting soon. Then she found me in a meeting and started showing pictures to my coworkers. We had a lovely fight at home about that, and she said that she didnt do anything wrong because that is what we are doing. Then the next evening while im asleep, she hacks into my facebook account and posts a picture of the child and says that we are going to adopt her in a few months. Im thinking this is the last straw. I am facebook friends with alot of coworkers by the way. They have been congratulating me in the halls and I just smile and say thanks. I have since disabled my account. The wife was going through my email and saw that i had sent the picture to a friend with the caption "this is the child she wants to adopt."

The wife says "thats it. were done." I say "ok". My daughter is awake and has to hear the fighting which went on until 3 in the morning. So yesterday Im taking my daughter to the doctors office and wife calls and says that she would like to go to China with a friend and have custody signed over to her and that her aunt would get it in writing to support the baby. The aunt is very wealthy. I agree to this. Wife says the aunt will give us money every year even if we stayed married. It is a sizable amount 40k. This would help our family alot if i stay. And it removes my objection that we cant afford it. The question is do i stay and if i do why. We have been together for 20 years and this dynamic of my wife bullying to get her way is nothing new and I doubt it will change. I am pretty much numb at this point. I think i know what im going to do, and then she throws something new at me. She says she loves me and wants to work things out, but now she doesnt want to go to counseling because she thinks that will put a stop to the adoption. I am very confused right now and do not want to give in to her, and it also doesn't help that I have been feeling less attracted to her. She has been saying that she needs to lose about 30 pounds for about 5 years now. When I suggested that we both try to get in better shape she said i was calling her fat and told me to go away. And the other woman in waiting and I have a strong connection and mutual attraction and she says shell wait for me. I'm feeling like its probably done, but its hard to pull the trigger. I have met with a lawyer to go over my rights but havent made any final decisions yet. How do you know when its done?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I don't do well with ultimatums, manipulation, or bullying. I'd pick divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also say "See ya", and make sure you do it before the papers are signed for the adoption. And if they're already signed, talk to a lawyer to put the brakes on the process and stop it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

" My daughter is awake and has to hear the fighting which went on until 3 in the morning."

this is a big reason not to adopt, bad parenting.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

dulcedulce said:


> A while ago, my wife bullied me into agreeing to adopt a 3rd child from China.
> 
> Recently, I told my wife that I didnt want to go through with the adoption, and she said that it was too late.
> 
> I figured that we would be getting separated soon, so I chatted up this woman at work who i am very attracted to.


I'll admit upfront I've never been through the adoption process, but from what I understand it is a pretty tough process with interviews and lots of signed paperwork. I don't think that you are saying that your wife forged your signature on the paperwork and held a gun to your head at the interviews.

IMO, it looks like you've met someone else at work, and you've changed your mind about the adoption. 

*Until you finalize the adoption and get the kid home, it is not too late to stop the adoption process.*

Call the adoption agency yourself and tell them you are thinking of divorcing your wife and ask if it is too late to stop the adoption process. There is another loving couple right behind you in the process who will happily take your spot to China.

Your post struck a chord with me as I had a friend who adopted a kid from China and then divorced his wife shortly thereafter. If he had any doubts, he should have stopped the adoption and figured things out with his wife first.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ewww, controlling, manipulative and intrusive.

Sorry. I've seen wives/women like this, and when they try to befriend me and pull me into their drama with their adoptive kids and everything, I just run. It really disturbs me to see kids with this kind of person. As for the husbands, I usually just feel sorry for them. They tend to work a lot, I think it's their only refuge, plus they have to keep coming up with money for the wife's fantasy lives, and get in trouble if they don't show up to play their part in whatever drama she has cooked up.

Stand your ground! Maybe it's too little too late, but at least you will regain some of your pride.

I don't think you need to justify changing your mind about the adoption. You changed your mind, and that's that. 
Go tell the agency and deal with whatever consequences.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you took the OW out of the picture, what would you want to do?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Perhaps you can reach a compromise. First, take the OW out of the picture - that's not going to help anything. Then negotiate for somethig you want from her, namely that she get a job and joins a gymn and Weight Watchers, for example. If that happens and is sustained for some period of time (say, at least 6 months), you'll go ahead with the adoption (put a hold on it until then), otherwise not. If she won't negotiate or doesn't follow through, you can always stop the process yourself and consider a divorce.


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## dulcedulce (Jan 15, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> If you took the OW out of the picture, what would you want to do?


I would do the same thing. OW is just a bonus, but that is in the future as i wont be able to date for at least a year.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, as long as you are sure that you aren't looking at things through rose colored glasses as far as having a 'backup' plan. If you've progressed to the point of talking about a future together with OW, then you're having an EA. You are aware of that, right?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

You two have lots of issues that preclude you from adopting a child. You both need to stop your selfish ways and thinking and start thinking these are children's lives you are screwing with here. DO NOT bring this other child into this terrible mess, and wake up and realize what you are doing to the children you already have.

You both need to keep that counseling appointment, you both need to work on yourselves. If there were no children involved in this mess, I would say just part ways and do what you want, but unfortunately that isn't the case here, and your own selfish selves should not be your first priority. You gave up those rights when you brought these two children into your life. Wake up and grow up, both of you. You have two innocent children depending on you.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Dude, if you don't want this kid, please, please please don't go ahead and adopt.

Raising kids are the most difficult, most challenging thing I've ever done in my entire life, and I wanted one of them.

It makes no sense to me how people even allow themselves to be guilted into this sort of thing, but I guess not everyone sees things the way I do.

It's not her decision. It's a decision for you both. It only needs one unwilling party to say no.

If she decides she wants to adopt on her own, let her go ahead and do so. 

Seriously - if you need an aunt to give you money to adopt, then frankly, you probably can't afford to raise another kid anyway.


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