# What is considered sexual abuse in a marriage??



## roddie123 (Mar 17, 2011)

What is your defination of sexual abuse in a marrige.

If a spouse demands sex every single day from you and you are not willing...............and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible...........is that considered sexual abuse??


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

roddie123 said:


> What is your defination of sexual abuse in a marrige.
> 
> If a spouse demands sex every single day from you and you are not willing...............and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible...........is that considered sexual abuse??


The word "demands" sounds like abuse right there.

Can you tell us what the consequences are if you do not have sex?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sounds like it?


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## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

Alright, you sure set this up to be abuse by your husband. Is it really the case that you are a loving wife and he is a jerk, or is there some middle ground here.

I remember years my wife used with holding sex as a punishment. He is punishing you for punishing him?

Obviously, I don't know the true dynamics.....

What are the horrible consequences?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Can you provide more detail and information about your situation OP?


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

roddie123 said:


> What is your defination of sexual abuse in a marrige.
> 
> If a spouse demands sex every single day from you and you are not willing...............and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible...........is that considered sexual abuse??


Define horrible? On this scale of 1 to 10 what would it be?

10 = physically beating you
5 = giving you the silent treatment
1 = refusing to wait on you hand and foot


"Demanding" is also a pretty loaded word. It can mean anything from an ultimatum to a polite request. Can you be more specific?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

*Sexual relationships should have no demands or horrible consequences.*


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *Sexual relationships should have no demands or horrible consequences.*


So, if a couple haven't had sexual relations in a year (not due to any physical problems, but just because she doesn't want to), and the husband demands they start having sex again or there will be the horrible consequence of a divorce, is he 100% wrong?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

How often are you interested in having sex? We only know he wants it daily and you've declined.

How long has it been since you've had sex?

Is your relationship good otherwise?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

roddie123 said:


> What is your defination of sexual abuse in a marrige.
> 
> If a spouse demands sex every single day from you and you are not willing...............and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible...........is that considered sexual abuse??


This is a bit tricky.

Abuse can be defined as any treatment outside of what is normally accepted, designed to humiliate or coerce someone.

One spouse " demands " sex everyday, the other is not willing.
He begins to issue threats.
In short, it sounds abusive to me.
There must be an alternative way to work out this issue.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

roddie123 said:


> If a spouse demands sex every single day...


Does this mean:

1) He is demanding that you actually have intercourse everyday.

2) He demands sex and you turn him down; the next day he demands sex and you turn him down, the next day he demands sex and you turn him down; the next day... In other words, are you not having sex at all, and he keeps asking for it every day?



> ...and you are not willing


Does this mean:

1) You are not willing to have sex every day (but you would be OK with with having sex less frequently, say twice a week).

2) You are not willing to have sex period.



> ...and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible


You need to be more specific here. Divorce is a horrible consequence, but that doesn't mean it isn't also an appropriate consequence at times also.



> ...is that considered sexual abuse??


It would depend on the answers to the above questions. If you are refusing to ever have sex with your husband, then there is sexual abuse going on, but he isn't the one comiting it.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

To the OP, I hope you come back and answer some of these questions, cause good grief! As of right now we do not know if you are not giving him sex and he is angry and making there be horrible consequences, or if you are giving him sex and just not everyday and he is still angry and giving you horrible consequences, but either way it sounds like some issues need to be addressed for sure.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Blue Firefly said:


> So, if a couple haven't had sexual relations in a year (not due to any physical problems, but just because she doesn't want to), and the husband demands they start having sex again or there will be the horrible consequence of a divorce, is he 100% wrong?


Yes and its sick too.Why would anyone even WANT to have sex with a person you knew they did NOT want to but only complied after a demand under a threat?

I have no issue with the person saying I do not want to stay married to a person for the rest of my life that doesn't WANT to have sex with me.You do not WANT to have sex with me so I am getting a divorce.

But saying HAVE sex with me regardless if its against your true wishes or ELSE!Is 100% wrong.And I cant imagine what kind of sex that would be.Having sex with an otherwise unwilling person who only complied under coercion is depressing and I cant imagine it being fullfilling even on the physical end.Not 100% anyway.Where would you draw the line?Moan and act like you like it or else I will get a divorce?Have an orgasm or else I will get a divorce?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Abuse of any kind is never ok regardless of what the situation may or may not be.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> but just because she doesn't want to),


Also there is normally a "reason" why someone doesn't want to have sex its rarely "no reason /just because".And the decent thing to do in that case is to say not 'have sex or else I will divorce you it would be " if you aren't willing to get some counseling with me over this overcome it to start WANTING to have sex with me than I want a divorce because I want to be WANTED " which is ultimately the truth and would be your next gripe if she (or he) simply complied to one sided sex.Having sex with someone you love knowing they don't want you back is almost as depressing and for some even more than not having sex with them at all and just moving on.Not to mention he /she would resent you for it .And a divorce would cost you 1,000's why not invest in a marriage counselor even one that specializes in sexual issues as the main issue ?


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> So, if a couple haven't had sexual relations in a year (not due to any physical problems, but just because she doesn't want to), and the husband demands they start having sex again or there will be the horrible consequence of a divorce, is he 100% wrong?


*Heck I wouldn't give it a year without sex! But in that case, if there was no sex for a year, what's so horrid about a divorce at that point? To me,that's not a horrible consequence but rather to be expected. *


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

roddie123 said:


> What is your defination of sexual abuse in a marrige.
> 
> If a spouse demands sex every single day from you and you are not willing...............and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible...........is that considered sexual abuse??


At face value yes that is sexual coercion(complying to sex under fear tactics ) of an unwilling partner and that is a form of sexual abuse.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *Heck I wouldn't give it a year without sex! But in that case, if there was no sex for a year, what's so horrid about a divorce at that point? To me,that's not a horrible consequence but rather to be expected. *


I think that would be a less "horrible consequence" than having sex with a still not willing partner other than they are trying to avoid that consequence.IOW there will be horrible consequences being married to someone who only is having sex with you because you threatened them into it that are as bad or worse than the negative consequences of divorce.Including you would still be in a sexually dysfunctional marriage regardless that you are physically having sex.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

For those wondering what Roddie123 means about abuse and demands, this thread she started a couple years ago seems to describe the situation:



> _From the day we married my husband wanted sex every single morning and more if I agreed. I thought this odd coming from "an older man," but squashed that because I figured that we were newly married, so this shall pass. For me I'm comfortable with sexual activity about twice a week, anything more is too much for me. I only like sex in the morning once in a while.
> 
> ...
> About six months into the marriage we had our first fight and I can't say now what it was about, probably something silly, but what came out of that fight was a behavior I didn't like and it changed my attitude towards him. He, that night did act drunk, and were were yelling/screaming at each other. I told him I didn't like sex every single day, and he told me that "if I didn't give him sex "whenever" he wanted it, he'd make my lif miserable." I was astounded by this remark, and it really soured me on him.
> ...


I would not label a man who wants sex every day a "sex addict". That is hopelessly unfair and practically a bigoted statement. A man is a sex addict for wanting daily sex with his wife? Is she joking?

Now having said that, there is an abuse issue, however. When it turns to pressure and demands then it is a problem for both, and they both should have gone into couples therapy. 

Now here's where is gets wierder. At the end of the thread, and in subsequent posts, she says she left him and he later filed for bankruptcy. So are they back together? Did she meet another man who was similar? Or is she just asking this question two years late?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

In my opinion, abuse happens when someone administers punishment intended to cause a painful experience for another person not complying with the abuser's demand. 

So if I want sex day after day and my partner doesn't, it potentially turns abusive if I punish my partner with the intent of making him comply. But it's not abusive of me to decide to take care of myself or leave the relationship so that my own needs will not go unmet.

Two people may be abusive to each other, too. Abuse never happens in a vacuum.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I would not label a man who wants sex every day a "sex addict".


I wouldn't either just based on that fact only.But its possible he could be based on how he reacts if he cant have sex everyday and or how he treats her if she wont comply.The fact that he apparrently puts the ONLY priority on him just getting the "sex" regardless of her feelings about it could indicate its a lot more involved than just a man "wanting sex everyday"..

I'll do an analogy ..a person that "wants " a few drinks every evening isn't by itself a problem nor would you say they are "addicted" just based on that..but a person who if they cant have those drinks one evening throws a hysterical fit or has a meltdown I would say they have an issue that's beyond "wanting a few drinks every evening".

Also his belief that since she is his wife she is obligated to have sex WHENEVER and however often he wants REGARDLESS of her feelings is also not a healthy attitude.That is NOT a loving attitude its pretty much saying her feelings don't even come into the equation so its ALL about him and there will be no compromise.He gets ALL the consideration in his mind she gets NONE...that is not merely a man 'wanting sex everyday"..Wanting sex every day does NOT mean you are entitled to it regardless of the feelings of the person you "expect" to give it to you .


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I think that would be a less "horrible consequence" than having sex with a still not willing partner other than they are trying to avoid that consequence.IOW there will be horrible consequences being married to someone who only is having sex with you because you threatened them into it that are as bad or worse than the negative consequences of divorce.Including you would still be in a sexually dysfunctional marriage regardless that you are physically having sex.


*Yes my point exactly. How horrid a consequence is divorce if she doesn't want to have sex with him for a year? *


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Demanding sex and becoming rude when the demand is denied is abusive.

By the same token, denying sex for no good reason for long periods of time is also abusive, IMO.

Without more facts, we cannot say whether or not your spouse's behaviour is unreasonable or abusive.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> no good reason


No good reason is "subjective"..

So is long period of time.I have seen some say 4 days is a long period of time and your spouse just not desiring for that long is "no good reason".Its a double standard..somehow "wanting sex" is a "good enough reason" to be entitled sex.but not wanting to have sex is "not good enough reason not to consent".Even though they are both just a "want" and neither has anything to do with being in the "right' or one being superior to the other or "better".Somehow not getting sex the minute you want it is seen as more uncomfortable than having sex with you don't.And I'm not buying because I have done both.

Oh and this OP said her ideal is 2 times a week.Case in point her husband feels like that is denying him(what he is ENTITLED TOO) sex/long period of time because he WANTS everyday no excuses including she DOESN'T want sex everyday(no good reason).See what I mean?Him wanting sex everyday is a "good enough reason for her to do it"..Her not wanting sex everyday is "no good reason for him to have to abstain".

Wanting to have sex TRUMPS not wanting to have sex that seems to be the rule.I'm just saying thank God its the reverse as far as our criminal laws go.And there is a "good reason for that".


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> No good reason is "subjective"..
> 
> So is long period of time.I have seen some say 4 days is a long period of time and your spouse just not desiring for that long is "no good reason".Its a double standard..somehow "wanting sex" is a "good enough reason" to be entitled sex.but not wanting to have sex is "not good enough reason not to consent".Even though they are both just a "want" and neither has anything to do with being in the "right' or one being superior to the other or "better".Somehow not getting sex the minute you want it is seen as more uncomfortable than having sex with you don't.And I'm not buying because I have done both.
> 
> ...


Where did the OP say this?:scratchhead:

By



> For no good reason for long periods of time


I obviously wasn't referring to differing sex drives. I was referring, more, to people withholding sex as a means of punishment.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Where did the OP say this?


If you look through the thread Thesus (spelling?) provided an old post by the OP that gave more detail with her describing the issue..that is where I got that from..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Theseus said:


> For those wondering what Roddie123 means about abuse and demands, this thread she started a couple years ago seems to describe the situation:
> Quote:
> 
> From the day we married my husband wanted sex every single morning and more if I agreed. I thought this odd coming from "an older man," but squashed that because I figured that we were newly married, so this shall pass. For me I'm comfortable with sexual activity about twice a week, anything more is too much for me. I only like sex in the morning once in a while.
> ...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Thanks, Dallas. That does put a different complexion on things, and it's a pity the OP hadn't provided this link in her original post.

The OP's H sounds thoroughly unreasonable and abusive. I would suggest counseling but, frankly, I'd divorce a man like that.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I hope the OP comes back, and provides more details or at least an update on things. I just don't get why people don't come back sometimes.


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## ladymalin (Mar 26, 2013)

Roddie, I personally know a lady who had that exact problem with her husband. He demanded it every day. By the way, does your spouse hang around when your friends come over and not allow private conversation? This is what my friend's spouse did when I went to visit her. She left him a couple of years ago and is much happier.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

roddie123 said:


> What is your defination of sexual abuse in a marrige.
> 
> If a spouse demands sex every single day from you and you are not willing...............and the consequences of this if you do not are horrible...........is that considered sexual abuse??


the same things that are sexual abuse anywhere else.


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