# How to get new g/f to cope with previous marriage



## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

I was in a 16 year relationship and married for 13. I cheated and left my wife and now have been with this woman for 7 months. We live together and things are mostly great. She’s MUCH younger than I am. I’m 41 and she’s 25. I have one 9 year old boy from my marriage. My wife and I are legally separated and the divorce will be finalized in April or May

My g/f is convinced I will go back to my ex and it causes a ton of issues. Because we have a child together we will always have contact and we are on decent terms. We talk about our child and what’s best for him. I’m currently living with my g/f but with her jealousy it’s causing issues with our relationship. Are there any things I can do to assure her I only want to be with her?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry, who is Chester. Or is it cheater.

Who cheated?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

How long have you and your wife been separated? Your gf sounds insecure. Do you think this is her passive-aggressive way of wanting an engagement ring to firm up the commitment?

How about maturity? Do you think she is actually emotionally mature enough for you?


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry, who is Chester. Or is it cheater.
> 
> Who cheated?


Sorry, posted this on my phone and it auto corrected. Should say I cheated


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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> How long have you and your wife been separated? Your gf sounds insecure. Do you think this is her passive-aggressive way of wanting an engagement ring to firm up the commitment?
> 
> How about maturity? Do you think she is actually emotionally mature enough for you?


We’ve been separated for 7 months. I actually left my wife for her. Clearly, this causes some of her insecurity. She doesn’t want a ring as it’s way too soon


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Looking2Change said:


> We’ve been separated for 7 months. I actually left my wife for her. Clearly, this causes some of her insecurity. She doesn’t want a ring as it’s way too soon


Gee, I can’t imagine why she’s anxious.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She probably figures you cheated on your wife with her so you'll cheat on her with your wife. It happens. 

No, I don't think there's anything you can do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you left your wife for a younger woman. You stated you already have a "ton of issues" with your gf who is worried about you going back with your ex.

This isn't going to end well. But something tells me you already know that on some gut level. You have a mess on your hands. Jumping from a somewhat-long-term marriage to living with a younger woman isn't smart. Yeah, it's too soon to put a ring and a date on it. But common sense to me, at least, would say DO NOT live with another woman after getting out of a marriage that isn't even legally over yet.

You cannot get your gf to "cope" with your marriage. It's too soon. And, to be very blunt here, this situation sounds downright cheesy.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Well she already knows you aren't a trustworthy person. She probably feels you will cheat on her and leave her as well. Judging by your track record, I think that is a safe bet on her part. Just break up with her and start all over is my advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Looking2Change said:


> We’ve been separated for 7 months. I actually left my wife for her. Clearly, this causes some of her insecurity. She doesn’t want a ring as it’s way too soon


Of course it causes insecurity. If you can leave your wife and child for her then you can easily leave her as well. On the other hand if she can cheat with a married man with children she can cheat on you as well. Relationships that begin with cheating hardly ever last for obvious reasons. Neither of you has any integrity or moral values. Neither of you believes in faithfulness. 

The fact that she is still so young and clearly immature doesnt bode well either. You have made a massive mistake that will end in tears. You will have to have contact with your wife for many years and she needs to accept that. What did she expect when having an affair with a married man, silly girl. How can anyone feel secure with a man who can so easily abandon his family? Or wants to be with a lady who has taken another woman's husband and a child's dad? Jumping from a marriage to living with another lady is madness. At least you could have waited till you were no longer married before you moved in together. 

My advise is to be responsible, put on your big boy pants, and if your wife will have you go back to her and your child. Work on the marriage and be a full time dad. Put them first for a change.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Insecurity, suspicion and jealousy are all part of the package when APs try to become BF/GF/spouse. 

No one knows better than she what you do and say when your partner isn't looking. 

Right now you feel secure and like the c0(k of the walk because you had two women competing for you. 

But you know what she does when older, married men wink at her and tell her she's cute. Shortly you will be the one checking her odometer and hacking her computers and emails and checking her phone when the dust settles here and you realize you are a middle aged man who probably has a receding hairline and expending gut and she is in her mid-20s and in her prime and has lots of younger, buffer, hot dudes circling around her. 

Very few APs make it very long as actual couples. They were good as APs and everyone was sneaking around and spinning wild tales with each other and tearing off a piece when no one was looking. 

But each of you knows the character of the other and each of you knows what the other does when no one is looking. 

You will be the controlling, suspicious, jealous one before too long. 

And no, there really isn't anything you can do about it because each of you knows what's under the hood of the other. You can't go back and undo the fact that both of you screw around on the people you are with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> My advise is to be responsible, put on your big boy pants, and if your wife will have you go back to her and your child. Work on the marriage and be a full time dad. Put them first for a change.


I agree with the rest of your post except for this part. 

I actually think WS's do a disservice to their BS when they try to weasel their way back into the marriage. 

Chumps usually recover faster and move on to more healthy and happy lives when they go NC with the WS and move on with their own lives. 

I know you are trying to keep an intact home for the children, but the home is already broken. The trust is gone. The respect is gone. The esteem for each other is gone. And him trying to slime his way back into the home and into the marriage is just going to open up her wounds and keep her from healing and moving on again and again and again and again for many, many years to come if not forever. 

The better part of valor here and the real act of putting on his big boy pants in this situation is be as fair and magnanimous in the divorce as possible and to be as generous with child support and spousal support as possible and remain involved and supportive in his child's life but allow his BW to carry on with her life with him fading away in the distance in her rearview mirror. 

Letting her go and allowing her to live her life as she sees fit and letting her move on and find someone else that will lover her and respect her and treat her decently is the most humane and generous thing he can do. 

Trying to weasel his way back into home will only tear the band aid off her wounds day in and day and never allow her to heal.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Looking2Change said:


> Are there any things I can do to assure her I only want to be with her?


Nope. She's well aware that you're the sort of guy who lies to and cheats on partners, and looks for the next relationship while still in the current one.

About the only thing I can think of is to get into counselling, to try to figure yourself out and what makes you behave that way, and fix it. And do it for YOU, not for the current girlfriend.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Seems like you replaced one issue with another.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Looking2Change said:


> I was in a 16 year relationship and married for 13. I cheated and left my wife and now have been with this woman for 7 months. We live together and things are mostly great. She’s MUCH younger than I am. I’m 41 and she’s 25. I have one 9 year old boy from my marriage. My wife and I are legally separated and the divorce will be finalized in April or May
> 
> My g/f is convinced I will go back to my ex and it causes a ton of issues. Because we have a child together we will always have contact and we are on decent terms. We talk about our child and what’s best for him. I’m currently living with my g/f but with her jealousy it’s causing issues with our relationship. Are there any things I can do to assure her I only want to be with her?


No, you cheated on your wife (the one you "only wanted to be with" a matter of years ago), so given the opportunity, you'll cheat on your girlfriend. She knows you're not trustworthy, and will jump ship as soon as a better option comes along. Her concerns are hypocritical, but justified.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Good luck with that.

Your 41 and shes 25

How long do you think this relationship will last?

When shes 35 you will be 51 and when shes 45 you will be 61!

Thats when she will cheat on you. 

Hope I'm wrong but I doubt it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Good luck with that.
> 
> Your 41 and shes 25
> 
> ...


Nope, that's when he will cheat on her. With another younger woman.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Nope, that's when he will cheat on her. With another younger woman.


While that is certainly a possibility, My money is she will cheat or walk first. 

She may think that she "won" the game at the moment, but she is at the peak of her sexual market value and he is 16 years older than she is. She'll have her choice of all sorts of hunks and studs and he will be a divorced father shelling out a good chunk of his income on child support and possibly alimony and will have an angry, brooding child to contend with at least every other weekend if not more. 

She will quickly realize this prize she won is not so shiny after all as his hair is turning gray and falling out and his gut keeps expanding. 

Pretty soon, the single guys with their six-pack abz and no kids and no ex wives and no child support payments won't be looking so bad after all.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have lived what you describe. In all honesty it doesn't really matter. Your relationship with her probably isn't going to last. I think it will end sooner than you think. You are going to tire of being under suspicion, and she is going to get tired of not feeling secure in the relationship because there is no trust. It doesn't matter how young or even how hot she is. You will eventually want out. These things just never really last for the most part. The best thing you can do is to work on yourself once it ends, so that you can be a good partner for whomever you end up with next. I know this isn't exactly what you asked, but....its the most likely scenario.


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## haveandhold (Jan 15, 2018)

Looking2Change said:


> I was in a 16 year relationship and married for 13. I cheated and left my wife and now have been with this woman for 7 months. We live together and things are mostly great. She’s MUCH younger than I am. I’m 41 and she’s 25. I have one 9 year old boy from my marriage. My wife and I are legally separated and the divorce will be finalized in April or May
> 
> My g/f is convinced I will go back to my ex and it causes a ton of issues. Because we have a child together we will always have contact and we are on decent terms. We talk about our child and what’s best for him. I’m currently living with my g/f but with her jealousy it’s causing issues with our relationship. Are there any things I can do to assure her I only want to be with her?


Tell us more about why you left your wife. Be honest.


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