# Thinking that you and spouse had something "special"



## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I was completely blindsided by my WWs' affair, which I suppose is pretty common. She never voiced any displeasure with any aspect of our marriage, in fact saying right up until the week before D day "It's you and me forever". 

I know now that she was thinking about leaving for years. Maybe we get complacent, especially if everything seems good, we assume we have an indestructible bond based on a many years of a shared shared life, ups and downs sure, but overall good, if not great most of the time.

What does everyone think about what I view as the myth of having a "special" relationship? My trust is shattered and it's very hard to imagine giving my heart to another person again. I truly believe everyone is capable of cheating.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am so jaded I can't even begin to determine what I think about having something "special".


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I was completely blindsided by my WWs' affair, which I suppose is pretty common. She never voiced any displeasure with any aspect of our marriage, in fact saying right up until the week before D day "It's you and me forever".
> 
> I know now that she was thinking about leaving for years. Maybe we get complacent, especially if everything seems good, we assume we have an indestructible bond based on a many years of a shared shared life, ups and downs sure, but overall good, if not great most of the time.
> 
> What does everyone think about what I view as the myth of having a "special" relationship? My trust is shattered and it's very hard to imagine giving my heart to another person again. I truly believe everyone is capable of cheating.


I don't believe everyone is capable of cheating. 

I have had plenty of opportunity and never once considered it. 

I too never heard any complaints until my STBEH took up with the OW. I still didn't hear any actual complaints only vague distancing and being annoyed at anything and everything, even things he once loved and/or the fact that I was breathing. 

My STBEH also told me we were partners and neither of us would make money decisions without the other having veto power.

I guess that only applied to me making money decisions without giving him veto power because he made the decision to hide bank accounts, credit cards, burn phones, expensive dinners out with the OW and trips with her, and i never got the chance to veto that. 

I think we thought we had something special because we were being gaslighted by a pro. 

I only found out all this information through anonymous letters sent to me. 

If not for those, I would still be in the Dark.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I think everyone is capable of cheating.

I had to factor that into my view of marriage to make sense of it all.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

I have chosen not to ever cheat on anyone but I must admit I think it is possible for most people to cheat once. Its the serial cheating that is really nasty and hateful though. I do think some people might use it to feed their inner black hole so to speak.

But some people just chose the wrong partner. So there is that.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I grew up with both my grandparents in the house.

My grandfather said to me once "Marry the one that loves you the most and not the one you love the most. If it turns out to be the same person you will be blessed beyond belief".

We often choose partners too hastily or based upon how we feel about them, not about how they feel about us.

I am coming to the conclusion my grandfather may have been the wisest man in the world! lol


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Falene said:


> I grew up with both my grandparents in the house.
> 
> My grandfather said to me once "Marry the one that loves you the most and not the one you love the most. If it turns out to be the same person you will be blessed beyond belief".
> 
> ...


Excellent wisdom from your grand father. 

Still, one problem is that a high number of cheaters have narcissistic personality disorder, if they do they may be at the extreme sociopathic spectrum. 

These type of people are chameleons and can be whatever they see that you want them to be. The are also very charming and conniving and convincing. 

Con men often have narcissistic personality disorder 

Someone with that disorder can tell someone they love them and make them believe it. That is how cheaters look their spouse in the eye and swear on their children or dead grandmother or their mother, that they would NEEEEEEVER CHEAT ON YOU. 

Meanwhile that is exactly what they do while the spouse sits complacently at home, convinced that the narcissist loves them and would neeeeever cheat on them. 

Grandad's advice is excellent if you are dealing with a normal person.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I was blindsided also. But my wife DID voice her displeasure and her problems about our marriage. She told me countless times how unhappy she was. I knew anything special we had was long gone well before her affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I agree Sara but I also think that even with the narcissistic types there are warning signs we tend to over look. 

I think we are often intentionally blind when the facts contradict our emotions.

I also think that we ignore their past relationships under the guise "I am different, more special". In my case, my husband cheated on his previous wife and I truly believed he would NEVER do it to me. I was special. I was different.

I was a dumba$$.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’m sorry for those thoughts. I’m pretty far along this R path. Just so you know, as the pain begins to fade, you do look back and trust your thoughts back then. It was special for you. Doesn’t really matter what she thought or thinks now... you believed and had faith in her. There was a basis for that which was your experiences with her she had built up. That is what makes this so hard.... you had reasonably presumed she was ‘this’ because that was your history you knew. It sucks to find out she manipulated your experiences and history so you wouldn’t know she changed to ‘that’. Overnight, with the discovery, she became someone new; An actor who put on a show. 

It will take time, but you will learn to trust your gut again. Not all women are like that. Dump the ones who tailor themselves for the audience just to gain approval. That all your wife really did... showed you something you’d approve of instead of who she was. I will even bet money that the woman the OM would describe doesn’t sound like your wife... he also doesn’t know who she really is. She is the chameleon.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Falene said:


> I agree Sara but I also think that even with the narcissistic types there are warning signs we tend to over look.
> 
> I think we are often intentionally blind when the facts contradict our emotions.
> 
> ...


You are not a dumbass. You are a loving person who trusted their husband. 

The scary thing in my situation is that my STBEH was cheated on by a fiance when his father was very ill. She left him for the AP.

He never cheated on any girlfriends afterward. If he did not want to marry them, he would gently break it off. 

So, in my case I thought I was getting a sensitive guy. One who knew the pain of being cheated on as I did (also with a former fiancé) and would never hurt me like that. 

Alas, he did.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I was completely blindsided by my WWs' affair, which I suppose is pretty common. She never voiced any displeasure with any aspect of our marriage, in fact saying right up until the week before D day "It's you and me forever".
> 
> I know now that she was thinking about leaving for years. Maybe we get complacent, especially if everything seems good, we assume we have an indestructible bond based on a many years of a shared shared life, ups and downs sure, but overall good, if not great most of the time.
> 
> What does everyone think about what I view as the myth of having a "special" relationship? My trust is shattered and it's very hard to imagine giving my heart to another person again. I truly believe everyone is capable of cheating.


The sad thing is everyone is capable of cheating. There isn't anything mythical about it. We are human and therefore are as about as smart as our hormones. Usually The A starts ia an innocent phone call to catch up. They talk and have a connection and it runs on from there. IT can happen to anyone. It is not always about looks or sex appeal.

The only thing you can do as a LS is always be involved in the marriage. That way if something does happen you right there to stop it. It can be hard to do with life and having to make money. But if you find yourself not knowing what your wife does or not knowing who she talks to or runs around with. It would be a good time to reconnect.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Very perceptive, Racer. I agree.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> I truly believe everyone is capable of cheating.


Well sure... I've got lips, I've got ears, I've got a mind, I've got thighs... and something in between them, but that doesn't mean that *I'll* ever use any of them to cheat.

I did not find my relationship to be totally fulfilling emotionally, spiritually, mentally or physically for the last several years and during the time, I had plenty of opportunities to have an affair but I never crossed the line. Not once, nor was I tempted to because it goes against everything I believe in when it comes to relationships. 

Instead, like the silly schmuck that I am if I wanted more out of us, then I invested even more of myself into trying. Even pleasing him more so hopefully he'd return the favor but all I got was his knife in my back as a result. It's a huge blow. Still, I have no regrets about doing any of that because I know that *I* tried. I was faithful, honest, invested and loyal and I can leave with my integrity in tact and knowing my worth.

I definitely did think that we had something "special" in the beginning. He was the first man to ever really blow my socks of - who I felt that cliche chemistry with. The only person I could stay up all night and all day with just talking to or enjoying quiet moments with and be 100% content. The first few years were amazing.

Even though a lot of that faded in our most recent years, I still was dumbfounded by his affair(s) because he always talked the talk. Each time we reassessed our relationship, he always insisted that he was, "working on us", that he was committed and intent on making things better for us and I believed him - especially because he always through me a bone every now and again to back it up.

Even in the same month of our D-Day, we took a family trip to the cottage. He and I spent wonderful evenings together and it was nice. We really reconnected (or so I had thought) and it was a beautiful, special time... but it was a lie because only two weeks later, the truth came.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shocker said:


> I have chosen not to ever cheat on anyone but I must admit I think it is possible for most people to cheat once. Its the serial cheating that is really nasty and hateful though. I do think some people might use it to feed their inner black hole so to speak.
> 
> But some people just chose the wrong partner. So there is that.


Serial cheaters might be really nasty and hateful. Or maybe they are the most broken and damaged?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yep. I thought Regret and I had a very special relationship, marriage, and friendship. I honest to God did. Hell, just a few days before Dday we had an awesome Friday date night and weekend. Then, Tuesday March 6th...the last night she met the xOM. And I caught her.

It's so sad that the specialness that I thought we shared was gone.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Falene said:


> I am so jaded I can't even begin to determine what I think about having something "special".


The only thing that turned out to be "special" from our marriage was my pension which was the only thing besides my 15year old Riviera that the judge let me keep. It has maintained my reduced quality of life "lifestyle, while "our" home and new car the judge gave my wife are both gone along with all of her boyfriends.
Both of her kids have graduated from college at my expense, but I haven't heard anything "special" from them since the divorce.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Yep. I thought Regret and I had a very special relationship, marriage, and friendship. I honest to God did. Hell, just a few days before Dday we had an awesome Friday date night and weekend. Then, Tuesday March 6th...the last night she met the xOM. And I caught her.
> 
> It's so sad that the specialness that I thought we shared was gone.


Hey Dig. I know exactly what you mean. Haven't followed your thread for a while but assume you guys are still reconciling.

I know that what you thought you had is gone and i know you are still rebuilding, but is there still something special about Regret for you? Not what you had before but an attraction or closeness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

maincourse99 said:


> we *assume* we have an indestructible bond based on a many years of a shared shared life, ups and downs sure, but overall good, if not great most of the time.


You've heard before what "assume" means, so I'm not going to repeat it. Chances are she was indicating she was not satisfied with the relationship because women don't really lie regardless of what they say. Men don't listen. 
They all tell you they'll love you forever. And when forever is over, they are gone and your history.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Hey Dig. I know exactly what you mean. Haven't followed your thread for a while but assume you guys are still reconciling.
> 
> I know that what you thought you had is gone and i know you are still rebuilding, but is there still something special about Regret for you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are still working on our reconciliation, Wazza. As you know, it ain't the easiest thing in the world. Hmmm...is there still something special about Regret for me?

Hmmm...

Yes. Thinking about it...there are a few. Watching her interact with our children. Catching her looking at me and smiling. Her "new" affection she shows me daily. At night, while sleeping, when she reaches out to touch my back simply to let me know she's "there".


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> We are still working on our reconciliation, Wazza. As you know, it ain't the easiest thing in the world. Hmmm...is there still something special about Regret for me?
> 
> Hmmm...
> 
> Yes. Thinking about it...there are a few. Watching her interact with our children. Catching her looking at me and smiling. Her "new" affection she shows me daily. At night, while sleeping, when she reaches out to touch my back simply to let me know she's "there".


I have a similar list. Mine is longer but i had longer to build it. 

What i lost with the affair was the belief that she would never betray or deceive me. As i dealt with that, all the things that made my wife attractive to me as a friend and lover are still there. It's just very hard to open your heart right up when you know it could all turn bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Me too...completely blindsided.

I never in a million years thought she would do this to me, us and our children. I really thought we had something special as well especially when I compared our marriage to that of our friends. My STBXWW never voiced any displeasure either during any conversations. I remember asking her point blank...many times if there was something we needed to work on. Her response was always that we were fine and she had no issues.

In retrospect I did think we had an indestructible bond because of our life together and shared experiences. We really did have a good marriage and life. We were financially sound, devoted and loving to each other and our children. In time she will realize that but unfortunately it’s too late for me. I stayed for over a year after D day #3 because she said she wanted to save our marriage. The truth is she didn’t put any of the required effort into it. Finally I realized that I must be plan B and filed for divorce. 

I think you only know a person by what they reveal about themselves. In my case there were issues within her that I didn’t see…that she didn’t show me. After the death of her parents they came to the surface and she changed. She began to evolve into a different person and all of the negative traits associated with cheaters came out. I don’t think it is a myth to think you have a special relationship but people change. So for 12 years…it was special. My parents have been married for 50 years. To them, love was not only a feeling but a commitment. I love and respect them so much for what they have accomplished…they did it right.

I do think a lot people are capable of cheating…but not everyone. I can’t honestly say that I could never have cheated. Maybe I was lucky enough to not cross paths with a woman that could have made me stray. I have met plenty of women in my line of work but I can honestly say that I wasn’t tempted. If I sensed an attraction, my walls went up. It would take a certain recipe of factors to trigger the cheating gene. These include the wrong person, opportunity, FOO issues, bad boundaries, timing during a low point in the marriage and a true lack of integrity or spiritual beliefs. I think my spiritual beliefs and my conscience would be enough to stop me in my tracks.

Now I have issues with trust as well. Every woman I meet I assume is a cheater or is capable of it. I doubt I will ever get married again. I’m afraid that I will never allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable to someone either.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I do think a lot people are capable of cheating…but not everyone. I can’t honestly say that I could never have cheated. Maybe I was lucky enough to not cross paths with a woman that could have made me stray. I have met plenty of women in my line of work but I can honestly say that I wasn’t tempted. If I sensed an attraction, my walls went up. *It would take a certain recipe of factors to trigger the cheating gene. These include the wrong person, opportunity, FOO issues, bad boundaries, timing during a low point in the marriage and a true lack of integrity or spiritual beliefs. *I think my spiritual beliefs and my conscience would be enough to stop me in my tracks.


Everyone has their limit. All of those stars aligned for my wife. Though she had strong integrity and spiritual beliefs, her pain and desire overrode her values for a time. She finds it very hard to live with now.

I thought it was her weakness until, some time later, I had a couple of near misses as well. I hate to say it, but if the circumstances of those two near misses had combined, I suspect I would have cheated.

Whether everyone will cheat...pointless argument to me. But if my wife cheated, then there aren't many who won't.



Decimated said:


> Now I have issues with trust as well. Every woman I meet I assume is a cheater or is capable of it. I doubt I will ever get married again. I’m afraid that I will never allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable to someone either.


This is the key point. What I can suggest is there are degrees of emotional vulnerability. I can no longer give 100% but I keep learning to give more and more. Long road.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Miss Taken, I'll take you at your word that you're a decent, moral person who would never cheat. I'm sorry about what your husband did to you, so similar to my wife. The year leading up to me finding out about her "falling in love" with her AP, she also met three men on ****** *******, but that year was one of our best. Our entire 18 year marriage was a good one IMO, and she said she felt the same way. Like MattMatt said, some people are broken and damaged, and that applies to my wife.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Lol, I purposely used the word assume. I will try never to assume anything anymore, other than that the sun will rise in the morning.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

I was blindsided too. I thought we had something special. So many friends said we had the perfect marriage. XW's sister called me the trophy husband.

I have to admit that at times I daydreamed about being divorced. Things got miserable. I thought it was just me. I kept asking the XW what was wrong, why aren't you happy, what can we do different to improve things? She always told me that she was fine, just tired from work and tired of the repetitive nature of life. Never once did she say we had serious problems. Yes, there were things we were working on. More date nights, me loosening the money strings, etc. But it was a work in progress. Little did I know that she had checked out long before and any effort I put into the marriage was already lost.

I never in my wildest dreams imagined that she was capable of cheating. I always thought that any problems we had would be worked out since we were in the marriage for life. I never once considered cheating on her even though I've had more than a few opportunities.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Me too...completely blindsided.
> 
> I never in a million years thought she would do this to me, us and our children. I really thought we had something special as well especially when I compared our marriage to that of our friends. My STBXWW never voiced any displeasure either during any conversations. I remember asking her point blank...many times if there was something we needed to work on. Her response was always that we were fine and she had no issues.
> 
> ...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I have met plenty of women in my line of work but I can honestly say that I wasn’t tempted. If I sensed an attraction, my walls went up.


Exactly.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> I kept asking the XW what was wrong, why aren't you happy, what can we do different to improve things? She always told me that she was fine, just tired from work and tired of the repetitive nature of life. Never once did she say we had serious problems.


This sounds like my STBEH. He kept saying he was bored with the repetitive nature of life. 

I do think that is the true reason they cheated. Realistic people realize that and accept it. Cheaters are into their fantasy and find a fantasy life by cheating.
And, it had nothing to do with us as their spouse. Realistic people know that. 

That is why marriage counselors that keep insisting that there had to be a problem in the marriage for someone to cheat, irks me. 

No. Sometimes, it's just that the cheater is an unhappy person who is unrealistic about life in general.

Life IS mostly boring and repetitive. Realistic people know that. Cheater are not realistic and they blame others for their unhappiness and then invest in a fantasty relationship via the affair.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I don't believe everyone is capable of cheating.
> 
> I have had plenty of opportunity and never once considered it.
> 
> ...


Be careful. Life is long and with it comes plenty of opportunities to be forced to eat words.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Yep. I thought Regret and I had a very special relationship, marriage, and friendship. I honest to God did. Hell, just a few days before Dday we had an awesome Friday date night and weekend. Then, Tuesday March 6th...the last night she met the xOM. And I caught her.
> 
> It's so sad that the specialness that I thought we shared was gone.


Does it help to think that the specialness was never there? One of the things that helped me come to terms with what had happened to me was the realization that my ex was totally phony. She literally wasn't the person she presented herself as, and the specialness I lost was in fact a fabrication; it never existed to begin with.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Be careful. Life is long and with it comes plenty of opportunities to be forced to eat words.


I doubt it. 

I really truly have had more opportunity than I care to explain. 

The opportunities were mostly with attractive single men, who were wealthier than my spouse and also interested in a serious relationship. People I had to work with.

The walls went up period as soon as they suggested they wanted more than a work relationship. 

I even resisted the opportunities to have revenge affairs out of hurt and pain after Dday, with willing single men. 

I also as a single working women in the ad industry in Manhattan was often approached by bored married men. Some even promised me job opportunities. 

I just said NO. Some people can't resist drugs either. I can.

I think though if YOU feel that way, you already know that it is a possibility for you.

But, I already know it is too sleazy and jerry springer for me to cheat while married. 

I would simply divorce if I disliked my spouse enough to consider cheating. 

Not sure where you are coming from. ARe you both the BS and the CS?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Does it help to think that the specialness was never there? One of the things that helped me come to terms with what had happened to me was the realization that my ex was totally phony. She literally wasn't the person she presented herself as, and the specialness I lost was in fact a fabrication; it never existed to begin with.


I think that is a good point. 

And, I came to the same realizaton.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I think there are so many cheaters where it is simply boredom. My wife has a constant need for novelty in her every aspect of her life. Her leaving our 11 yo daughter and becoming a part time parent shows me that she's even bored with parenting. The repetitious routine got to her, no matter how many concerts, nights out dancing and drinking, trying all kinds of cuisine, travel.... none of it filled her. 

Now it's on to men. Thing is, she can't support herself financially, so she's moved in with AP, which will soon degenerate into the same mundane life she had at home, so then it will be on to the next adventure (man) and on and on.... depressing


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I don't believe everyone is capable of cheating.
> 
> I have had plenty of opportunity and never once considered it.
> 
> ...



Hi Sarah8,
I agree with you, not everybody is capable of cheating. People have different values and different levels of expectation of themselves to live up to their own values and boundaries. 
Wish I had made this realization when I was younger, or better, wish I understood what all of that really meant!


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I don't believe everyone is capable of cheating.
> 
> I have had plenty of opportunity and never once considered it.
> 
> ...



Nice, btw, of somebody to send you anonymous letters, I think I would do the same for somebody if I knew something.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

badbane said:


> The sad thing is everyone is capable of cheating. There isn't anything mythical about it. We are human and therefore are as about as smart as our hormones. Usually The A starts ia an innocent phone call to catch up. They talk and have a connection and it runs on from there. IT can happen to anyone. It is not always about looks or sex appeal.
> 
> The only thing you can do as a LS is always be involved in the marriage. That way if something does happen you right there to stop it. It can be hard to do with life and having to make money. But if you find yourself not knowing what your wife does or not knowing who she talks to or runs around with. It would be a good time to reconnect.


And not everybody steals, even though anybody can. 

Just because I know I can steal something if I want it bad enough, doesn't mean I will ever cross that line, take something that isn't mine. I know it is wrong for a lot of reasons, has potential consequences and not worth the trouble I could get into even if I could justify it. And because of that I will never steal anything. 

I am not the person you want to go on the stand for you in a court of law because if there is anyway the attorney's can question me in a way that might make me feel like I am lying, I can't do it. I would not be a good witness in those circumstances.

Don't get me wrong, I can play by somebody else's rules, I just can't go beyond my core values and beliefs.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> I was blindsided also. But my wife DID voice her displeasure and her problems about our marriage. She told me countless times how unhappy she was. I knew anything special we had was long gone well before her affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was blindsided as well. I was not happy with my H's behavior towards me for a long time, and he know that. He was not happy in the marriage for a long time and he hated that I had expectations of him that went beyond how he wanted to conduct himself. We were at an impasse. Then the A happened.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Serial cheaters might be really nasty and hateful. Or maybe they are the most broken and damaged?


I said once to my H that I was going to send him back to his mother and ask for a full refund, damaged goods. 
Although this is the only time he has cheated on our marriage. He has other issues that come out in his character that are red flags.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

My thing in marriage and for my spouse is less about emotionally letting him feeling sorry for himself to justify the cheating , and saying, 'Get your S**t together! Have respect for the marriage and stop living your own indulgent, secret life. We can all cheat if we want to, but we all don't! Develop yourself enough and have the maturity and self discipline to do what it takes to have a healthy marriage!'


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Me too...completely blindsided.
> 
> ...... *I really thought we had something special as well especially when I compared our marriage to that of our friends. *
> 
> ...


Thanks Decimated. You told my story. Thanks.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> *This sounds like my STBEH. He kept saying he was bored with the repetitive nature of life. *
> 
> *Life IS mostly boring and repetitive. Realistic people know that. *Cheater are not realistic and they blame others for their unhappiness and then invest in a fantasty relationship via the affair.


yes. That's true. 

Reading this thread in particular is giving me a sort of relief.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

member2012 said:


> I was blindsided as well. I was not happy with my H's behavior towards me for a long time, and he know that. He was not happy in the marriage for a long time and he hated that I had expectations of him that went beyond how he wanted to conduct himself. We were at an impasse. Then the A happened.


That's why I say the affair is a slap down and emotional abuse. 

Rather than seeking counseling for the impasse or discussing divorce, they go out and slam you by cheating. 

As Shaggy's signature line says, and I paraphrase: It's not that their aren't hundreds of people you could have the opportunity to cheat with, it's that people with integrity know this but still choose to NOT cheat.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> I think there are so many cheaters where it is simply boredom. My wife has a constant need for novelty in her every aspect of her life. Her leaving our 11 yo daughter and becoming a part time parent shows me that she's even bored with parenting. The repetitious routine got to her, no matter how many concerts, nights out dancing and drinking, trying all kinds of cuisine, travel.... none of it filled her.
> 
> Now it's on to men. Thing is, she can't support herself financially, so she's moved in with AP, which will soon degenerate into the same mundane life she had at home, so then it will be on to the next adventure (man) and on and on.... depressing


Yes...mine too. She has become a high stimulation person. Gets bored real easy. Wants nothing to do with home/family stuff like cleaning, shopping, laundry. I do most of that now. We used to go on lots of trips and vacations. It wasn't enough. Her GNO's increased dramatically and so did the drinking. She became incapable of sitting home and relaxing without complaining that "Everyone on Fakebook is going out somewhere" The truth was that 3 out of her 450 fakebook friends posted that they were going out but to her that was enough justification to complain and hate her life. 

Mine can't support herself either...too lazy to apply herself or even work full time. She would rather sponge off of me...a high maintenance parasite.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> But, I already know it is too sleazy and jerry springer for me to cheat while married.


Lol! That's is exactly what crosses my mind whenever I think about my STBXWW with her OM, doing it in my car, in a bowling alley parking lot!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Does it help to think that the specialness was never there? One of the things that helped me come to terms with what had happened to me was the realization that my ex was totally phony. She literally wasn't the person she presented herself as, and the specialness I lost was in fact a fabrication; it never existed to begin with.


True in some cases. Not all.

The things that make my wife special to me are there and genuine, despite the character flaw that led to the affair.

It would have been simpler to just hate her perhaps, but it would have been a lie.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I doubt it.
> 
> I really truly have had more opportunity than I care to explain.
> 
> ...


It could be you are immune, or that the right combination of circumstances hasn't arisen.

This is something we cannot prove or disprove. I'd lie things to be as you say. I just don't think they are.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Another thought about a marriage being special, being blindsided and anyone being capable of cheating.

Anyone whose life is based in reality knows that No marriage is 100% perfect. We also realize that no two people are 100% compatible. There will always be levels of incompatibility. Emotionally immature people don’t understand this or don’t except it. Selfless people are patient with these incompatibilities, accept their differences and in fact, find a way to celebrate and embrace them because love is a commitment as well as a feeling to them and that is what makes it special.

Selfish people focus on the differences and discount or down play the things that are working. It is possible that their compatibility priorities have changed. Sometimes something in their life triggers this...MLC, Foo issues, loss of a parent, job...etc. In their mind, with any pieces missing, it is not so special anymore. When someone makes the choice to cheat they are focused on filling in the missing incompatibilities as their priorities change…however small they may be. Because they crave what they don't have...the importance is magnified. They may be getting only 15% filled by their OP while the BS continues to supply the other 85%, but to then that 15% is uber important. They are selfish and think they are entitled to have it all…at the expense of others. In their minds if the marriage is not 100% then it is not special. Thus their justification.

Overtime, even the most compatible marriages can be perceived as not perfect or special in the mind of an emotionally immature person. The everyday monotony of life sets in and the natural rhythm becomes boring to someone who is a high need for excitement or stimulation. They crave what they don’t have and devalue what they do. Enter chance and opportunity…someone gets blindsided.

If they decide to leave the marriage what they are actually doing is trading off areas of incompatibility…for different ones. They will never be 100% compatible but in their immature way of thinking, they are blinded by the infatuation and excitement and to them it is worth the risk.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Wazza said:


> It could be you are immune, or that the right combination of circumstances hasn't arisen.
> 
> This is something we cannot prove or disprove. I'd lie things to be as you say. I just don't think they are.


Hi Wazza:

It seems like you are thinking of cheating. You say you have forgiven your wife, but resentments will always remain in some form. 

A revenge affair is a normal thought pattern for a betrayed spouse.

One counselor told me that was normal. STill, I don't want to cheat, as mentioned it's too sleazy and Jerry springer to me. I would rather divorce. 

I do think a revenge affair is always on the betrayed spouses mind. I don't think a revenge affair is the same as an affair rooted in no trauma. A revenge affair is a normal response to trauma, although harmful to the BS.

Also, I noticed in the above answer you mention that all the things that made your wife special are still there. 

Well that is likely true for you. For me the thing the made my STBEH special to me, despite his many flaws, was I truly trusted that he was a honest and loyal husband. 

I can no longer say that he holds that special place. 

Also, the question was: Do you feel special. 

I no longer felt special after reading the texts and emails and hearing voicemails. 

I could see that my STBEH was actually treating her at the time, in a more special way than he treated me, and based on the sheer volume and constantness of the communications between the two, it appeared that she was being treated more special than my spouse treated me when we dated. 

So, the question remains and you did not yet answer it. 

Do you still feel special to your wife?

I used to feel that special exclusive connection with my STBEH despite typical marital spats, but I no longer do. I feel used and cheap. Particularly because the OW my STBEH was treating speicial is an obvious low life bunny boiler. 

During our attempted R, each time he winked at me (something that used to make me feel special and loved) I realize he winked at her too. 

When, he says I am pretty, I remember he likely told her that to because during one argument in which I said she was ugly, he defended her looks.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Decimated said:


> Another thought about a marriage being special, being blindsided and anyone being capable of cheating.
> 
> Anyone whose life is based in reality knows that No marriage is 100% perfect. We also realize that no two people are 100% compatible. There will always be levels of incompatibility. Emotionally immature people don’t understand this or don’t except it. Selfless people are patient with these incompatibilities, accept their differences and in fact, find a way to celebrate and embrace them because love is a commitment as well as a feeling to them and that is what makes it special.
> 
> ...


Decimated:

So well said. And, I feel the same. I feel I saw my husband's issues and accepted them and loved him warts and all. 

He on the other hand had unrealistic expectations and could not accept anything that in his mind was less than perfect. So he found a way to supplement his needs with the OW.

An affair is disrespectful to say the least, and bit sociopathic at the extreme.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> Does it help to think that the specialness was never there?


Nope, because I know the specialness WAS there for the first 7 years. In hindsight, during the affair I still thought we had something but our communication issues blocked it, so I didn't feel that connection that we had. I see that now and know it for what it was.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Racer said:


> I’m sorry for those thoughts. I’m pretty far along this R path. Just so you know, as the pain begins to fade, you do look back and trust your thoughts back then. It was special for you. Doesn’t really matter what she thought or thinks now... you believed and had faith in her. There was a basis for that which was your experiences with her she had built up. That is what makes this so hard.... you had reasonably presumed she was ‘this’ because that was your history you knew. It sucks to find out she manipulated your experiences and history so you wouldn’t know she changed to ‘that’. *Overnight, with the discovery, she became someone new; An actor who put on a show. *It will take time, but you will learn to trust your gut again. Not all women are like that. Dump the ones who tailor themselves for the audience just to gain approval. That all your wife really did... showed you something you’d approve of instead of who she was. * I will even bet money that the woman the OM would describe doesn’t sound like your wife... he also doesn’t know who she really is. She is the chameleon*.


THIS is so true. Upon reading and hearing the interaction my H had with AP, seeing the person he presented himself as to her- I'd say it was chameleon like for sure. I didnt recognize the person I was married to when he interacted with her.* He was absolutely a different person from the one I thought I knew. I would bet OW would describe him very differently than I would*.

Its not that you arent special- its that she isnt. Hard to swallow but oh so true. I used to think my H was different than alot of the other cheating H's I knew from years of working with salesmen and just men in general. I used to think "his poor wife, I'll bet she thinks he's a nice guy" NOW I know my H can be that guy. I used to think he was a nice guy. Now I know he can be just like every other cheater Ive ever met. Its a shame really. A loss of your innocence. 

In order to move forward I have to come to grips with the husband I have not the one I thought I had. Still a good man. But more flawed than originally thought. I have given up on the 'dream' and realized that doesnt really exist. So moving forward in R I am hoping to be the person I want to be, hopefully he will come along. If he doesnt, I'll be ok. And thats where BS' have to be I think in order to function. You can only control yourself.

I think we will go on to have a good marriage. But never as great as it could have been.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I used to think my H was different than alot of the other cheating H's I knew from years of working with salesmen and just men in general. I used to think "his poor wife, I'll bet she thinks he's a nice guy" NOW I know my H can be that guy. I used to think he was a nice guy. Now I know he can be just like every other cheater Ive ever met. Its a shame really. A loss of your innocence.


Excellent point, Cantrust:

I used to feel sorry for those wives, too, married to this sleazy guy who was always looking for a little something on the side. 

I couldn't later believe I was one of those wives and my spouse was "that type of guy". 

I really thought he was a trustworthy nice guy, too. 

With that said, I think your spouse seems more remorseful than mine did, and his was only an EA and he has not continued with any form of male shenanigans as did mine with the lap dance thing.

I know EA's are harmful but and EA/PA usually ends the marriage. 

After my attempted R, I can see why EA/PAs are so difficult to move past. 

The OW was a low life sl*^t and the fact that my STBEH could ever consider treating her as special as he did and was so emotionally connected to this low-life bunny boiler, is a real death blow to his image, judgement and our marriage.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Excellent point, Cantrust:
> 
> I used to feel sorry for those wives, too, married to this sleazy guy who was always looking for a little something on the side.
> 
> ...


I agree. Had it gone PA- I doubt we would have survived. He absolutely had the chance- she made sure of it. But with that said, when given the chance he 'ran home to mama' so to speak. He got away from the situation knowing full well that it was "the kiss of death to our marriage" as he put it.

I truly am sorry your H has behaved this way. Mine behaved poorly too. I hope it was the last time for us both.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I agree. Had it gone PA- I doubt we would have survived. He absolutely had the chance- she made sure of it. But with that said, when given the chance he 'ran home to mama' so to speak. He got away from the situation knowing full well that it was "the kiss of death to our marriage" as he put it.
> 
> I truly am sorry your H has behaved this way. Mine behaved poorly too. I hope it was the last time for us both.


Thank you, Cantrust:

Your spouse is lucky to have someone like you in his life. 

I am glad he realized that before taking his dalliance to the physical level.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Thank you, Cantrust:
> 
> Your spouse is lucky to have someone like you in his life.
> 
> I am glad he realized that before taking his dalliance to the physical level.


IMO- its mostly a MLC. He was SO utterly different than he has been in all of my years of knowing him. And before we dated we were friends and he had a different gf(no they didnt break up b/c of me)and he just wasnt THIS guy. Im hoping thru IC and consequences and growing up that this stage of our lives has passed. Not to be forgotten. But hopefully, with time, forgiven.

Back to OP. Sorry for the HJ.

So to answer your original question - did I think we had something special. No- I KNOW we DID. Somewhere along the line-we got derailed but I Know it was special and will be again with time and effort. 

Good luck to you. You had something special too. Even if that something was YOU. So be the best YOU possible. Its the only control you have.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I thought our marriage was perfect. Yes, we had our ups and downs but we never had any major disagreements. We never went to bed upset and I thought we were happy. I was blindsided by my husband's year long affair and not soon after that, I found out there were others throughout our marriage. He's telling me and our kids now that he was NEVER happy and was planning to leave since the day we got married. Why string me along? Why make more kids with me when he was planning on leaving? Ugh. I may never know the answers to that, but I am glad that we are getting a divorce. I only wish I had found out sooner, so I would have at least some years to move on and find another man.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I thought our marriage was perfect. Yes, we had our ups and downs but we never had any major disagreements. We never went to bed upset and I thought we were happy. I was blindsided by my husband's year long affair and not soon after that, I found out there were others throughout our marriage. *He's telling me and our kids now that he was NEVER happy and was planning to leave since the day we got married. *Why string me along? Why make more kids with me when he was planning on leaving? Ugh. I may never know the answers to that, but I am glad that we are getting a divorce. I only wish I had found out sooner, so I would have at least some years to move on and find another man.


Ouch! Wow. I am speechless. Just keep in mind- this is probably NOT true. This is the fog speaking.....

Good luck and again ouch, Im so sorry. Thats gotta hurt to hear.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ouch! Wow. I am speechless. Just keep in mind- this is probably NOT true. This is the fog speaking.....
> 
> Good luck and again ouch, Im so sorry. Thats gotta hurt to hear.


It really stings to hear and the kids are now wondering if they are part of the reason he was so unhappy.  I tell myself that it's probably his 'fog' talking, but still, it does hurt.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I thought our marriage was perfect. Yes, we had our ups and downs but we never had any major disagreements. We never went to bed upset and I thought we were happy. I was blindsided by my husband's year long affair and not soon after that, I found out there were others throughout our marriage. He's telling me and our kids now that he was NEVER happy and was planning to leave since the day we got married. Why string me along? Why make more kids with me when he was planning on leaving? Ugh. I may never know the answers to that, but I am glad that we are getting a divorce. I only wish I had found out sooner, so I would have at least some years to move on and find another man.


I thought our marriage was good for a long term marriage. 

I think your spouse sounds like a narcissist.

Sorry you are here.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I thought our marriage was good for a long term marriage.
> 
> I think your spouse sounds like a narcissist.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


I'm sorry i'm here too. Actually, I'm sorry we're all here! 

Funny you should mention narcissist, Sara. I just started looking up narcissistic personalities and a lot of it describes him.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Hi Wazza:
> 
> It seems like you are thinking of cheating. You say you have forgiven your wife, but resentments will always remain in some form.
> 
> ...


Hi Sara8

On affairs, and our propensity to have them.

My wife's affair was in 1990. I stayed because we had kids. I understood her better after I developed serious feelings for someone else in 1996, and after I came close to a sexual experience with a willing friend of ours, also in the 1990s. My close calls were not revenge affairs, they were about unmet need. i believe cheating is wrong, and I can hold my head high that in both cases I stopped in time, but I know in my heart how close it was and if the stars aligned differently I might not have.

Special....well there is the feeling that our relationship is special, there is the knowledge that I am special to her and there are the ways she is special to me. 

Once I came to terms with what she had done, then yes the things that made her attractive to me are still there. And that includes her honesty and loyalty. Knowing that I had the potential to cheat helped me to see how she could have an affair and still be honest and loyal, albeit imperfectly. 

Many of the things that made the relationship special were violated by the affair. It was in the stone age and text, emails and voicemails didn't exist, but I know things that were said, time they spent together and things they did together that should have been reserved for the marriage. It will always hurt. But everyone has baggage.

I relate to your bit about the OW being treated more special than you were when you dated. There were elements of that for me too. I need to think about that one more.

But we still have a lot of shared values, and over the years since the affair we have built a lot more shared history. While the innocence of our first years together is gone, the friendship is the deepest it has ever been.

Me feeling special....it would depend what day you asked me. But yes, I feel special. Having been blindsided by an affair once, I'm not going to say it couldn't happen again. Of course it could. I could get killed in an auto wreck driving to work Monday, too. I deal with that by taking care how I drive, not by refusing to get in a car. 

P.S My wife's OM was a jerk too. That's not me being vengeful. He was using her and she knows it now. She is very hurt by what she did and who she did it with. She has told me this, but I worked it out long before she told me. My wife gets a second chance, on the assumption she made a bad mistake and has learned from it. She would be most unwise to bank on getting a third chance.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Maincourse, I just want to say, I believe in true love. I have never cheated and I maintain very long term relationships. You just need to find a high morale person. If I am unhappy in the relationship, I need time to myself. I take space.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I thought we had something special. In fact, I thought we had the "perfect marriage". But I've since come to realize that is the picture we painted - to friends, to family, to EVERYONE. 
We've been mentioned in so many wedding toasts over the years, you wouldn't believe it.

Then 3 1/2 months ago, that picture was ripped down when H cheated with a woman - just for sex.

However, I also now believe that everyone is capable of cheating. Doesn't mean everyone WILL - but everyone is capable given the "right" circumstance. I wouldn't have said that 4 months ago. 

We are in R. My marriage as I have known it for almost 18 years is over... but the caveat is that I'm still married. It's sort of like a new marriage. Only not quite as happy for me.

H feels like he's renewed his love and belief in the marriage, as he came to the realization the A was wrong and ended it before I found out. And no, he didn't admit till I figured it out. He says he's happier than ever to be married to me.

I, however, feel like we have a very fractured marriage. And my goal is to one day get that feeling back where I have that "special something" in the marriage. 

I love him, obviously or I wouldn't be here. But no longer do I feel like our marriage is special. It just feels like a hell of a lot of work now. 

Not sure I will ever feel the same. Just glad when I can make it through more than 2 days without crying over the fact that my "special" something was stomped on and treated with disregard from the most important person in my life. 

There's always hope though.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> I thought we had something special. In fact, I thought we had the "perfect marriage". But I've since come to realize that is the picture we painted - to friends, to family, to EVERYONE.
> We've been mentioned in so many wedding toasts over the years, you wouldn't believe it.
> 
> Then 3 1/2 months ago, that picture was ripped down when H cheated with a woman - just for sex.
> ...


I could have written this myself. This is almost exactly my feeling. I have said I believe we will be happy again but never as happy as we could have been.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Sorry...another thought about our something special.

I think in most cases we did have something special in our marriages. We were good spouses...attentive, devoted, honest, loving...etc. I now realize that with the flaws our WS's had within them...the cheating was probably inevitable. I now doubt that there was anything we could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. In retrospect, knowing that her flaw existed, I could have possibly delayed the inevitable but, in time, I feel it would have happened anyway. It was simply a matter of opportunity. It simply didn't matter how good a husband and father I was.

For months I carried around the thoughts that somehow it was my fault. Part of this guilt came from her blameshifting but part was my own insecurities. I now realize, and I hope all WS's do, that something about us didn't cause this...it was destined to happen. IMO.

Of course none of this makes it hurt any less.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

maincourse99 said:


> I was completely blindsided by my WWs' affair, which I suppose is pretty common. She never voiced any displeasure with any aspect of our marriage, in fact saying right up until the week before D day "It's you and me forever".
> 
> I know now that she was thinking about leaving for years. Maybe we get complacent, especially if everything seems good, we assume we have an indestructible bond based on a many years of a shared shared life, ups and downs sure, but overall good, if not great most of the time.
> 
> What does everyone think about what I view as the myth of having a "special" relationship? My trust is shattered and it's very hard to imagine giving my heart to another person again. I truly believe everyone is capable of cheating.


Definitely!!! Infidelity is not murder it's a poor choice, it's giving in to a basic need, lack of sefl control, mid life crisis, etc etc etc. Givne the right set of circumstances I think all of us have to make the call to cheat or not to cheat. It doesn't make the marriage are farce or a lie or fake. It is a very damaging blow to a marriage often one that ends it altogether.


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## Flipper27 (Sep 8, 2012)

Everyone is capable of cheating. If you don't believe that in this day and age you are living in a dreamland.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Decimated, I agree completely with you, cheaters have a character flaw. I remember my wife saying things like "I don't know if I'm suited for marriage and family". I never thought she would act on it. In her case, she has gradually over the last 5 years discarded her entire life, her faith first, then her family, then me. Our daughter is the final person, and now that she has chosen to be a part time mother, I can see her drawing away from her too. Really hard to comprehend. I see now that this all was inevitable, nothing that I could have done about it.


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