# I'm a lousy lover



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Why?

I've never saw a female orgasm let alone be responsible for one!

I had several sexual partners in my life but they aren't important now. My wife of 6 years is important. 

First few years we just enjoyed each other. Sex started 3 months after the first date. She warned me she's not really the orgasmic type but I disregarded that since she was inexperienced and I was sure that I would get her to places she never even dream existed.  I believed that with knowing each other and through learning, closeness, trust we would get there so I didn't talk about it for fear she'll be under pressure if she knew that I miss them dearly.

When she got pregnant her sexual drive shut down completely. After that cold shower I realized that her orgasms may never gonna happen and that really, really hurt my confidence. I was depressed for days.

Well, that was 2 and a half years ago. We had few serious talks about our sex life and my expectations and found out that orgasms are not important to her that much. She wants intimacy and affection and she doesn't miss them that much. She can orgasm when she is alone but didn't since pregnancy.

She didn't realize how important they are to me and now after these few talk she promised that she will try to correct this by reading on the internet or a book or something. 

I feel that I delayed these talks too much in futile hope that everything will be right eventually when we love each other. I'm a wreck. I feel like a complete failure. 

If I finger her (which she loves) she can be little ticklish. I can't stand that anymore, like she is laughing to me. I really enjoyed giving her oral but she lately admitted she never really liked that which hurt - a lot.

She sees that I'm hurt badly by this. Now she tries not to show if I start to tickle her but I know her too well. Now she demands oral telling how she's 'hooked on it and it's my fault' and I just can't. I know it's for my benefit and I appreciate it but it makes things worse for me.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to the erectile dysfunction land with this pace and it's not that far off. I really don't know what to do.


----------



## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I say it is time for some great communication, exploration and education. What works for one person may be a turn off for the next and this can be true about different times of the month as well, due to hormonal fluctuations. Communicating is going to be key.

Set aside some time that you will not be interrupted and can relax, get a babysitter that will take the kids overnight, got to a hotel or whatever is necessary to have time for just you two. Spend time exploring the erogenous zones of your partner. Share with each other what you enjoy, what areas feel the best and what kinds of touch and pressure is preferred in those areas. 

Sinclair Institute has videos that are education, with real life couples demonstrating these techniques. 

Here is a thread that has several books that may be helpful http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/66328-helpful-books-recommended-reading.html. Share the books that you are reading with each other. I like to point out the portions that I would like to try or the point that are accurate for my likes. You can show the portions directly or highlight areas that you would like them to read or place post it notes, with key points on them, on the page you would like your partner to focus on.

If she was able to O thru play before birth and now not able to, I would say that there is something going on in her mind and probably lack of relaxation causing the issue. A relaxing massage and learning to center herself, quiet the mind and really be present in the moment would be of great help.

Does she read romance novels? If so, have her show you the ones that she likes. Ask if there are any scenes in a book that she would like to try, and if there are actions in the book that are particularly appealing to her. 

As with anything in life, it has to be fun or it will become work. When it is fun, we will make time for it and desire it. When things become work or a chore, the desire is gone and it will go to h*ll in a hand basket in no time at all. Keeping your lives together fun can go a long way to keeping the spark in the bedroom as well. Remember to play occasionally, have a water fight with squirt guns, chase each other around a park, roll in the grass, go sledding in the winter or have a snowball fight. 

You can also integrate fun adult games into your relationship. There are a lot of games here Games - A Place For Passion and the prices are nice too.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How does/did she O by herself? She was honest with you that she was not that orgasmic & she seemed comfortable with that....but you are not so now she feels pressure to O with you because of your needs to give her an O.

I think you need to enjoy lovemaking with your wife & get over your need to make her cum & your sex life will improve. Try a good vibrator on her clit & see what happens.

I can only O with a vibrator on the clit. My husband WAS like you - he wanted to be able with his body parts to give me an O & he tried soooo hard - poor dear - that we both felt terrible. I was happy not having O's (like your wife seems to be from your post) but he was not happy so I decided to try a vibrator for the first time.

I ordered it w/o telling him knowing his feelings would be hurt. Then during an honest sex discussion, I showed it to him.

He was hurt, upset & bewildered so I put it away because I care more about his feelings than a "possible" O.

After the next sexual session with no O from me, HE suggested bringing it out, we did & I had an O. He was thrilled because he is a big boy.

Now the vibrator is part of our lovemaking & he is happy


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lovemylife said:


> Does she read romance novels? If so, have her show you the ones that she likes. Ask if there are any scenes in a book that she would like to try, and if there are actions in the book that are particularly appealing to her.
> 
> As with anything in life, it has to be fun or it will become work. When it is fun, we will make time for it and desire it. When things become work or a chore, the desire is gone and it will go to h*ll in a hand basket in no time at all. Keeping your lives together fun can go a long way to keeping the spark in the bedroom as well. Remember to play occasionally, have a water fight with squirt guns, chase each other around a park, roll in the grass, go sledding in the winter or have a snowball fight.
> 
> You can also integrate fun adult games into your relationship. There are a lot of games here Games - A Place For Passion and the prices are nice too.


Excellent advice!

I would also add that if you approach sex with your wife in the right frame of mind she will be more likely to respond. A woman can tell when her partner is fiddling her in order to illicit a response from her. She feels pressured to give the response, but since she knows her true response isn't what you would like, she begins to feel deformed, defective, not working right. A woman who has trouble orgasming mostly blames herself, *rarely blames her lover.
*

When you and your wife are having sex, your mind needs to be focused in your delight in her body. Focus on how touching her body makes you feel. Focus on various ways of touching the same place. I would encourage you to wax poetical about YOUR feelings as you touch her body.

Women need intimacy, they need to feel cherished in a way that makes sense to them. To take her into the bedroom and slowly undress her marveling at her beauty, softness, lush curves and delicate rounded bits. Slowly removing each article, not allowing her to to step in and help, insisting she remain still so you can teasingly unwrap your present. She will feel cherished and she will feel that she is pleasing you which will help her be more in the moment rather than wondering if she will be able to climax. 

A woman's climax is 90% in her head and only 10% in her body. Once her head is in the right place, conquering her body will be rather easy.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> ..A woman's climax is 90% in her head and only 10% in her body. Once her head is in the right place, conquering her body will be rather easy.


Eh, uh, are you a woman? If yes, then you are a traitor of your gender, showing away deepest secret like that 

Mr. Stranger, the statement quoted above is very important. Very, very important to consider. Your technique is, as stated above, less than 10% of the equation. 90% of the success lies on the woman's own head.

Here, let me share to you an interesting case. I once have a case of a personal friend, who had two marriages. With her first husband, she said she never had orgasm. Her 1st husband, she admitted, is not a selfish lover and knows all the techniques in the book. But she blocked all his attempts and even refused to give deep kisses. In fact she put a pillow on her face to prevent being kissed, and would push her 1st husband's face away from her lady parts whenever he tried to give oral. She only allowed him PIV, and she kept a supply of lube ready. She refused to give the 1st husband blowjobs, and actually vomited when she tried to give one. So, it was PIV or nothing.

Turned out that, she married her 1st husband just as an escape. Because she lost her boyfriend, the one she really loved, to another woman. She was very sad and tried to obliterate the sadness by marrying the first nice man who proposed to her. Didn't worked...She NEVER loved the 1st husband, and never able even after trying. Not because any failing of the guy, he was a nice, upstanding, understanding man. She was just not physically attracted to him in the first place. 

So, after 3 years of fighting, she finally divorced the 1st husband, and get herself another husband. This time, it's love at the first sight. Real love. And she has orgasms everytime they made love! 

And that's the key! She is very much physically attracted to the 2nd husband. she is very much in love with the 2nd husband. Mind you, her 2nd husband is nothing like the 1st. The 1st husband is a nice person, upstanding, kind and gentle. The 2nd husband is a prick who often verbally and physically abused her when they're having an argument. But she could have orgasms with the 2nd husband because the love factor is there. Plus, with the 1st husband, she often avoided having sex with 1001 excuses. With the 2nd husband, she is having sex very often, and she said the most pleasurable sex is after they have big fights! Very strange, even I cannot believe at the first time she told me, and even today I dont understand why.

So, to every husband who cannot seem to please their wives despite trying all tricks in the book. Ask yourself a question. Why did your wife marry you? Was it real love? Does she really love you and physically attracted to you in the 1st place? Was it real love from the heart, or was it a marriage on convenience instead of love? Also, be honest to yourself, Do you really have very bad techniques? Have you become so ugly and no longer physically attractive to her? Or maybe it is your wife whom are not 100% in love with you? 

Maybe, maybe that is because you do have very bad techniques, but even after you improved your techniques with all sincerity, if your wife never love you and/or never/no longer physically attracted to you, then your techniques will never work, and your sincerity will not make her satisfied.

Sorry if I sounds like a pessimist. I hope optimists people will chime in soon to counterbalance my pessimism


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Go to Amazon and look up David Shade. :smthumbup:


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This is what I still don't understand.

Us men are all built on testosterone, the sex hormone. We have overall higher sex drives compared to most women and it doesn't take much to get us in the mood either. Now I watched the Dr. Oz show on sex and he stated that when men have sex 3x every week, it's enough that it lowers our chances of heart issues and disease by up to 50%. So if our wife's / gf's want us to live a longer and much healthier life with them, sex 3x every week is a must. This raises our testosterone and other hormones and is healthy for us, not just getting our rocks off like most women think. That's why men are always in the mood. To deny us sex and intimacy is unhealthy and makes us miserable, and affairs and cheating sometimes occur, leading to divorces.

Now, for myself, my wifee of 13+ years is a larger woman with a LD. When I give her oral, she will orgasm but penetration alone, even her favorite positions, she will not orgasm. When I give her oral, I take my time, 20 minutes maybe, and she loves it.

My wifee also likes it when I dry kiss her neck, work my way down to her breasts, down to her mid section (she watches me), and then I lick her legs and inner thighs and then proceed to give her oral (suck, nibble, she loves that). I would give her oral every day if she wanted it but since she has a LD, it winds up being once each month for her.

There have been numerous times in our past, were she let sex slide to 1x to 2x months and even once in 5 weeks. That resulted in our marriage being a room mate, friendship and not husband and wife or close with intimacy. I too love the cuddling, talking, back and foot rubs, but the sexual is also part of the intimacy.

Try sending her flowers, card and her favorite chocolates as a total surprise, say once each month. If she works, have dinner ready when she walks in the door (as soon as you get home, order in), watch a movie together, talk about her day, back and foot rub, cuddle on the couch afterwards. If you're doing these things for her and expecting nothing in return, she should be doing the same for your needs, sexually (intimate). It's 50 / 50 and not her way because then she is being very selfish!!!! I am tired of the excuse, I had a kid(s) so now I'm not in the mood anymore, so no sex for you. Really?! How selfish of her!!!!

A woman cutting off sexual intimacy for her man is a disaster waiting to happen.

She must communicate and fix this if she wants your marriage to work and last.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Emerald said:


> How does/did she O by herself?


She did show me but she didn't had an orgasm. She did admit it's hard for her to orgasm even in best circumstances.



> I think you need to enjoy lovemaking with your wife & get over your need to make her cum & your sex life will improve.


How does one get over his needs? Would you give the same advice if I came here and told she is one-a-month person and I'm unhappy? How does one get over his greatest fantasy?



> Now the vibrator is part of our lovemaking & he is happy


I'm glad for you. I'll buy her few a few toys, anniversary is close. anyway.  I'll be glad if she could orgasm that way but in the end it will be just another proof that I suck at it.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Excellent advice!
> A woman can tell when her partner is fiddling her in order to illicit a response from her. She feels pressured to give the response


I've never had sex with an expectation of orgasm. I just always hoped that it would happen someday and that's all.



> A woman who has trouble orgasming mostly blames herself, *rarely blames her lover.
> *


I know. She blames herself.



> Women need intimacy, they need to feel cherished in a way that makes sense to them. To take her into the bedroom and slowly undress her marveling at her beauty, softness, lush curves and delicate rounded bits. Slowly removing each article, not allowing her to to step in and help, insisting she remain still so you can teasingly unwrap your present. She will feel cherished and she will feel that she is pleasing you which will help her be more in the moment rather than wondering if she will be able to climax.


If she were here, she would tell you that everything here is true and I never expected her climax. Just hope.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Why did your wife marry you? Was it real love? Does she really love you and physically attracted to you in the 1st place? Was it real love from the heart, or was it a marriage on convenience instead of love? Also, be honest to yourself, Do you really have very bad techniques?


I don't question her love. I know she loves me with all her heart.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I am tired of the excuse, I had a kid(s) so now I'm not in the mood anymore, so no sex for you. Really?! How selfish of her!!!!
> 
> A woman cutting off sexual intimacy for her man is a disaster waiting to happen.
> 
> She must communicate and fix this if she wants your marriage to work and last.


This is not about quantity. It's about quality. 

I've never had a felling that I had great sex. Never. The key component is always missing.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I totally agree, its not the quantity, its the quality, very true. But having fantastic sex say once a month or less is nothing and not emotionally or physically healthy for any marriage. That closeness has to be there.

Myself, sex 1x every day.

My wife, sex 1 - 2x month.

Compromise, sex 3x or more every week.

That's 50 / 50, "both sides compromising equally" and the way it should be.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> I don't question her love. I know she loves me with all her heart.


That's wonderful if she really loves you, Mr. Stranger.

Anyway, I just gave this advice below in another thread, let me quote myself again, hopefully it will be useful to you.

Here in my country, women are mostly thinking like this: Orgasm is not that much important for them, but the feeling of being loved, needed and adored, and being able to give pleasure for their spouses is what they aim for. I am not saying that this way of thinking is superior or inferior, I am just stating what I know from my own experience being a native-born citizen of my country.

The problem with Western people is (CMIIW) there is this way of thinking that, if a man is unable to make his woman orgasm, then he is a bad lover, useless in bed.

What is worse, Western men might be imagining that this inability to give their women orgasm will one day being used as an excuse by their women to withholding sex with them("You're not giving me pleasure anyway so why should I give you sex?"). This is (maybe) what's going on Western men's head head. 

From what you wrote, it seems like she does not put orgasm above the intimacy. Seems like she cherish the feeling of being loved, wanted, needed and adored, not really the orgasm itself. Have you asked her, does she appreciate the efforts you are making to give her orgasm? To some women, the efforts itself are more important than the end result, because the fact that you're making efforts is a sure sign of your love.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Suggested reading for both of you...


Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Suggested reading for both of you...
> 
> 
> Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Daedone


I think this would help you even if she didn't want to read it (like my wife), it helped me. It's more a mindset and approach thing rather than a physical how to.


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

The Stranger, I'm curious hoe many partners have you had prior to your wife? And have you ever had the 'orgasm' discussion with any of them.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How old is your wife? How old is the baby? Is she breast feeding?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Kimberley17 said:


> And have you ever had the 'orgasm' discussion with any of them.


No, I haven't. The relationships were short lived, didn't last a year.



diwali123 said:


> How old is your wife? How old is the baby? Is she breast feeding?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's 30. Baby is 20 months old. She is breast feeding.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

First of all, I think your attitude towards her orgasms is coming off as a little selfish. Really. 

First off, take a moment to appreciate the fact that she has been having sans orgasm sex with you all these years. Many women would have closed up shop. So you should believe her when she says she gets something out of it, even if it isn't an orgasm.

An orgasm, to be honest, is her business. You shouldn't get to feel bad and in turn make her feel bad that she's not having one. As you've said, that leads to her faking simply because she knows how upset it makes you.

That's a problem. It shouldn't be about you. Her orgasm is for HER. So now she feels bad about herself and her body's reactions simply to spare your feelings/ego. 

I understand this is important to you but different people get different things out of sex. And you can NOT project what is important for you onto what is important for HER. 

That's not fair. 

If she keeps trying to orgasm just so you don't get upset, it's never gonna happen.

I understand you want to bring her pleasure but you really have to stop projecting your definition of pleasure onto her. Women don't have to orgasm to enjoy sex.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> I understand you want to bring her pleasure but you really have to stop projecting your definition of pleasure onto her. *Women don't have to orgasm to enjoy sex.*


:iagree::smthumbup:

Mr. Stranger, listen to this, this is the truth!


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> She did show me but she didn't had an orgasm. She did admit it's hard for her to orgasm even in best circumstances.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



HER orgasm is NOT your need. 

You have to stop thinking about it like that because it's clearly not helping! 

She hasn't DONE ANYTHING TO YOU.

I understand your feelings but you have to stop feeling so insulted like she did something to you.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> First off, take a moment to appreciate the fact that she has been having sans orgasm sex with you all these years. Many women would have closed up shop. *So you should believe her when she says she gets something out of it*, even if it isn't an orgasm.


Mr. Stranger, has your wife ever told you explicitly something like that above? Something like "Dear husband, I love you, you're my man, I won't trade you with all orgasms in the world"?

Because if she had said anything like that, it's better for you to believe her, for your own peace of mind


----------



## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

I gotta say, there are times when I'm with my husband and him finishing in me is about 10 times hotter and better than any O. There's just something about it that makes it different. Even on the times where it's more the norm, the O isn't everything. It's about the whole experience. Sorry if that was TMI.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> As you've said, that leads to her faking simply because she knows how upset it makes you.


She never faked anything that I'm sure of. She's a honest person which I admire and sometimes brutally honest which is not that admirable. Some things do require some tact when said to minimize the damage.



> I understand this is important to you but different people get different things out of sex. And you can NOT project what is important for you onto what is important for HER.


It is selfish and it's important to ME. I'm not projecting anything really. I know they are not that important to her.



> If she keeps trying to orgasm just so you don't get upset, it's never gonna happen.


Ah, you've hit the spot. She never actually tried to have an orgasm with me. It's been two years since I told her that her orgasms are important to me and that I feel very insecure about my lovemaking skills because of that. She acknowledged it but didn't offer any solution. Since that time we had talks about it few more times with the same result.

Our relationship was up to this point for her pretty much effort free. This is actually the first big issue that I've asked her if we could work on it. I do feel neglected and taken for granted.

If she tried to solve this, really tried that would speak volumes regardless whether we succeed or not. It would be much easier to accept this if I knew she has done everything she could.



> HER orgasm is NOT your need.


Please, do explain. 



> I understand your feelings but you have to stop feeling so insulted like she did something to you.


I'm not feeling insulted. I feel like a failure in bed. Two very, very different things.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> I gotta say, there are times when I'm with my husband and him finishing in me is about 10 times hotter and better than any O. There's just something about it that makes it different. Even on the times where it's more the norm, the O isn't everything. It's about the whole experience. Sorry if that was TMI.


But you do orgasm occasionally with him? I'm not hoping for that to be a regular thing. That ship has sailed a long time ago.


----------



## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> But you do orgasm occasionally with him? I'm not hoping for that to be a regular thing. That ship has sailed a long time ago.


I do usually O with him, I was just trying to emphasize that sex can be very enjoyable even without "finishing". I know it's not what you want to hear, but you may just be better off trying to find solace in that.  I hope you can find something that makes you feel better about your sex life with her.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> him finishing in me is about 10 times hotter and better than any O.


How would you feel if that never happened?


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> I gotta say, there are times when I'm with my husband and him finishing in me is about 10 times hotter and better than any O. There's just something about it that makes it different. Even on the times where it's more the norm, *the O isn't everything. It's about the whole experience*. Sorry if that was TMI.


:smthumbup::smthumbup:

Thank you Mrs. Eros for your explanation. This reinforces what Miss Bird is trying to explain to Mr. Stranger.


----------



## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> How would you feel if that never happened?


To be honest, I think I would be alright with it. It really is amazing when it happens. Even with normal sex, it's nice. I get to feel connected with my husband and cherished and loved  It's not something to just dismiss.

You said she can bring herself to climax, right? Maybe have her include you more in that? I think you said she let you watch once but didn't finish, that she wasn't one to O easily. Have you tried it again since? 

Also, have you tried different positions? What kind of foreplay and how long? Does she direct you or does she clam up?

And has she ever tried a vibrator? I shy away from them since they can make the real thing seem too dull, but you don't have much to lose in this scenario. 

And I hate to be so bold, but have you broached the subject of anal with her? I just ask because I know some women who claim they can't O any other way. 

Sorry for all the questions, I did read the entire thread but it's been a while now, so if I repeat something someone else said, please ignore me. 

Really though, the whole experience of sex can be amazing for a woman, the O is just the cherry on top, sometimes totally eclipsed by the preceding events. I know you want to make her climax, and that's totally something you can work towards, but don't beat yourself up in the meantime.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> To be honest, I think I would be alright with it. It really is amazing when it happens. Even with normal sex, it's nice. I get to feel connected with my husband and cherished and loved  It's not something to just dismiss.
> 
> You said she can bring herself to climax, right? Maybe have her include you more in that? I think you said she let you watch once but didn't finish, that she wasn't one to O easily. Have you tried it again since?
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup:

Mrs. Eros, thank you for your real-word elucidation, I learned a lot more from your post than in 3 semesters of psychology of human sexuality in the university. 

I just have one question here:



> And I hate to be so bold, but have you broached the subject of anal with her? I just ask because I know some women who claim they can't O any other way.


So it IS true? There are women who could O through anal sex? If it is true, this is news to me. Not that I don't believe you, but all this time I was led to believe that woman could only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. My own experiences stated otherwise, so that makes me quit believing 100% in what they teach at school. But I honestly didn't know that there are women who could O through anal, until now.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> Why?
> 
> I've never saw a female orgasm let alone be responsible for one!
> 
> ...


First off, drop the ego (at least around her). If you make it about you, or she feels it's about you, you are going to put pressure on her, and it is simply not going to happen.

Second, start doing some real research on how to give a woman an orgasm. Google these terms:

G-spot
Female ejaculation
Deep spot
mulitple orgasms
continuous orgasm
vaginal orgasm
blended orgasm
how to give oral to a woman

That will get you started. And once you do start to put it into practice with your wife, for god's sake, do NOT keep asking her "how does this feel" and "are you going to come". WATCH her (what are her facial expressions? What is she doing with her hands? What are her legs doing? How is she breathing?), LISTEN to her, FEEL her (how she touches you and how she feels inside), and keep doing what HER BODY is telling you is "the right thing". 

Clitoral orgasms are a good start. But, they're just that, a start. That's the "easy" one. A tip...get a vibrator. If you do your part by acting appropriately with her during sex, and she has an orgasm from a vibrator, then it is likely nothing more than technique that is preventing you from doing so with your fingers, hands, tongue, and penis.

I can't tell you how many times I "fingered" a woman, and NEVER FELT what I was doing. When you finger a woman, your primary focus should be on what you're feeling inside of her. That way you KNOW what to feel for again, how fast or slow to go, and what kind of pressure to use NEXT TIME when you get a positive response the first time. Feel every ridge, bump, smooth spot, and her increasing or decreasing wetness. And take mental note of how she reacts when you hit every spot and at different pressures and speed.

Do not act disappointed if it doesn't happen. Ever. That's pressure on her. And a woman under pressure will simply not orgasm. You pressure her, you both lose.

Her brain....get it IN BED and not somewhere else. That can largely be done by being PASSIONATE and completely INVOLVED in her....AND, AGAIN, not PRESSURING her.

Do not listen to this garbage that she "just wants to be intimate and close" and "orgasms aren't important for her". That may, on some level be true! Women (just like men) enjoy the closeness and bonding of sex. HOWEVER, she can still feel all of that AND have amazing orgasms if you endeavor to learn and give her them. And if you're not giving her them, more than likely, at some point, she will start to lose interest in sex when she no longer feels the need to JUST be close to you. 

Create the desire in her to have mind blowing orgasms, time and again, and once you're able to do so (assuming you're not an ass in other areas of life), she will LOVE to have sex all the time. While she may want to be "close" to you, she'll also want you to phuck her brains out! ESPECIALLY if nobody else has been able to "take her there" before.

Only very, extremely RARELY do I buy into this "I just don't orgasm" or "I'm not the orgasm type" stuff. I've heard it before, and have shown them differently. It's usually because either herself, her man, or both have not learned how to get her there. Could be mental, physical, or both. That's for YOU to figure out, and not her (sorry, but once again, if she feels pressured, it's not happening, soooo...it's on YOU.)

And finally, again, act with confidence. If you fumble around, she's going to sense you are fumbling and it will distract her. Do some research, and then go into it (no pun intended) as though you KNOW what you're doing.

Damn....and I mean DAMN, I wish I'd have learned all of this LONG ago.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

> To be honest, I think I would be alright with it.


You wouldn't question yourself? 



> You said she can bring herself to climax, right? Maybe have her include you more in that? I think you said she let you watch once but didn't finish, that she wasn't one to O easily. Have you tried it again since?


She will touch herself in front of me only if I ask and she will do it for a minute or two. On her own she won't do it. I suggested more than a few times to just watch.



> Also, have you tried different positions? What kind of foreplay and how long? Does she direct you or does she clam up?


Lots and lots of positions and we enjoy long foreplay if we have the luxury of time. She usually doesn't tell me what to do.



> And has she ever tried a vibrator?


I suggested and she was not against but she wasn't for it either.



> And I hate to be so bold, but have you broached the subject of anal with her? I just ask because I know some women who claim they can't O any other way.


She is too afraid of penetration (I'm a bit above average) but I really love using my tongue or my fingers down there. Recently she admitted that has zero effect on her arousal which was another blow to my self esteem. 



> but don't beat yourself up in the meantime.


I don't think it's possible anymore but thanks.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

donny64 said:


> But, they're just that, a start. That's the "easy" one.


That's the easy one? 

Except the vibrator part all your suggestions have been tried already on many occasions. 

As for the confidence part I was a confident man for a long time. Not anymore. I just can't create confidence out of thin air.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

She stayed with you, Mr. Stranger, shouldn't you be proud and confident due to that fact? That alone proves that she thinks you're a husband material!


----------



## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :iagree::smthumbup:
> 
> Mrs. Eros, thank you for your real-word elucidation, I learned a lot more from your post than in 3 semesters of psychology of human sexuality in the university.
> 
> ...


They actually taught that women can ONLY climax through clitoral stimulation?? For real?? Well, I know what I've read (that a small percentage can climax through vaginal stimulation and anal stimulation), I know how I personally am (I climax through both clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation, and usually prefer vaginal O's to clitoral ones - sometimes fingers inside can be better than sex, and are hands down better than oral for me - haven't tried anal, yet), and I know what I've heard (I worked with a woman who was very open about her sex life. She claimed to only be able to climax through anal and nothing else. Her boyfriend collaborated, for what it's worth.)

It would make sense to me to think that women who can climax through vaginal stimulation would be good candidates for anal O's since you're supposed to be hitting the same spots or whatnot. I would tend to think that women who can't O through vaginal stimulation *may* in some cases not be getting the right kind of stimulation (on the right spot, right movement, etc), but I may be biased. In researching anatomy and sexuality recently, I was surprised to find that the clitoris isn't just the little bump that's visible, but in fact is much larger under the surface. Also, the G-spot is possibly linked to what's sometimes called the female prostate (the correct name of the gland escapes me at the moment), so that makes sense to me.



> Quote:
> To be honest, I think I would be alright with it.
> 
> You wouldn't question yourself?
> ...


I'm really not sure what exactly caused it, but for a long time after I got married I felt some strange drive to well, basically be prude. My husband came from a religious background and had only ever been with one other girl, who in turn had only ever been with one other guy. I, on the other hand, well, had some very colorful teenage years. 

I felt like I didn't match up to him, like I wasn't worthy of him. I pulled in the reigns HARD. I ended up not seeking sex, not letting lose in the bedroom, feeling uptight and like I needed to be prim and proper behind closed doors for him, even though he was telling me, in no uncertain terms, otherwise. I had my head so convinced of it, nothing was getting through. I know I'm not explaining this right.. it wasn't just prim and proper, it was also like I shouldn't enjoy such an act. I did O, but only through missionary. I would be nearly in tears when my husband wanted to do oral on me (I would OBSESS about how I must smell and taste awful, how he couldn't possibly enjoy it like he claimed), I would almost throw up if I went down on him, and staying in my mouth for climax was out of the question. It took years + manic episode + a little hysterical bonding to get me to open up to the point I am now, and even now I'm terrified of reverting once the episode and HB are over.

I'm not saying this exactly is your wife's problem, but maybe something has gotten into her head so deeply that nothing else is getting through. I know it's been mentioned before in this thread that maybe there are some underlying psychological issues. 

Since she wasn't exactly opposed to a vibrator, I would definitely try one. And like another poster mentioned, read up on anatomy and the different erogenous zones in the vagina (some are INCREDIBLE if you can find and stimulate them correctly). And also like he said, even if you can't let yourself off the hook for this, at least pretend like you have for her sake. 

When I was in the slump and feeling like I needed to compensate for my early sexual years, even the simple act of asking for sex or to preform oral on me would send me into a guilt spiral (I not only was too "sl*tty" for him, I wasn't giving him enough at the same time, and what's worse than a sl*t that isn't even sl*tty? Warped thinking, I know). It was my problem, and should have been totally on me, but if she's been affected by something she had no control over (abuse?) then making her feel guilty would be counter-productive. (Heck, if all you're going for is getting her to O making her feel guilty - her issues or not - is counter productive). 

If you do get a vibrator, you could even get a skinnier one and see if she would like to try it anally. I'm not sure fingers alone could hit the spots required for an anal O. I'm not as well versed in all that yet though. Still researching . 

All in all, even if you can't get her to O in the end, the knowledge isn't a bad thing to have. It can't hurt. I do have to say though, the two best lovers I've ever had read a lot of material on pleasing women and it showed. They actually WORKED at being good in bed. It's really like night and day actually. Thankfully, one of those lovers is my husband . If you want I can have him try to gather some links, but really I think the list the other poster supplied for googling is great. Good luck!!


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

You read my post about how a fetish can inhibit orgasm with a partner for women and men too...

Once my dear wife gave herself permission to think about her fetish when Im "around" then she does have occasional O's. But it still has to be on her stomach and in the end only her fingers can do it.

No fetish thoughts...NO O ... end of story...and from our research this is not something that can change. She is attracted to guys....(James Bond..other male movie stars..and me she claims..haha)...but for that O part...which she separates from the rest of "sex" by the way....she MUST think about her fetish. 

This is just how her brain developed from age 10 she says....I believe it at this point...Ive known about it almost 10 years now...and it has not changed..

Occasionally, since I pushed and pushed the issue, she will talk about her thing with me during sex. I appreciate that although honestly it sorta spooks me too cause its just NOT a sexual thing to me at all.

She does appreciate PIV during this time when she uses her finger on herself also...and also recently even asked me to put my fingers on the G spot area (since I was already done..oops).

She never used to like oral either and never went all the way from it, but a few months ago told me she does like it when I do it. 

Its pretty confusing even after all these years. 

Ive been very very upset about it over the years.....mostly about the fact that she kept it from me for 13 years...but she says she could not bring it out..being it was a deep dark and shameful secret to her....too bad. Real bummer.

Overall though, if you have the combo of a fairly low drive wife (like mine would probably want 1x per week if left to her own devices she initiates now usually once on a weekend day...)....sometimes she "fails" to get there too even when she wants to O....plus something she feels is shameful about sex....well its damn hard....

I still get upset about it, but Im also proud of what I have achieved in getting her to be more open and share with me...although Ive made many many mistakes along the way and made her feel bad about it in the past cause I was so hurt and mad and felt lied to and betrayed.

Funny thing too....

But as Ive gotten to 46 I notice sometimes I cant do it either (have an O myself) or it just takes me too long and she gets tired after a certain period of time. I have learned to stop PIV after a certain period of time (depending upon her mood also) or she goes from very happy to unhappy. 

Even as a guy although its frustrating and I sometimes have to finish it myself, I still like having sex with her when I have no orgasm myself too....

So I feel very inadequate STILL sometimes cause I just cant do it for her by myself. She has to think about something ELSE, and has to use her own fingers too....but its a huge step that she DOES IT WHEN IM THERE...and does it more often than in the past.

There is a reasonable possibility that your wife has a secret fetish and she is ashamed of it and cant tell you and cant share with you.

If she O's alone....then something MENTAL is going on.

Its NOT you.

Try and she if she can do herself in your presence....

Ask her to do that for you. That is what happened with us.

I still think my wife does not care about it that much..and she does it partly for herself when she is occasionally very in the mood..(often if something accidentally triggered her fetish...could be something someone says and they have NO idea she finds it erotic)...and she does it partly for me cause she knows its important to me.

Its been a rough road.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> They actually taught that women can ONLY climax through clitoral stimulation?? For real?? Well, I know what I've read (that a small percentage can climax through vaginal stimulation and anal stimulation), I know how I personally am (I climax through both clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation, and usually prefer vaginal O's to clitoral ones - sometimes fingers inside can be better than sex, and are hands down better than oral for me - haven't tried anal, yet), and I know what I've heard *(I worked with a woman who was very open about her sex life. She claimed to only be able to climax through anal and nothing else. Her boyfriend collaborated, for what it's worth.)
> 
> It would make sense to me to think that women who can climax through vaginal stimulation would be good candidates for anal O's since you're supposed to be hitting the same spots or whatnot. I would tend to think that women who can't O through vaginal stimulation *may* in some cases not be getting the right kind of stimulation (on the right spot, right movement, etc), but I may be biased*. In researching anatomy and sexuality recently, I was surprised to find that the clitoris isn't just the little bump that's visible, but in fact is much larger under the surface. *Also, the G-spot is possibly linked to what's sometimes called the female prostate (the correct name of the gland escapes me at the moment), so that makes sense to me*.
> 
> ...


Wow, madame, again I thank you for your continuing advice and knowledge. I bolded the parts above which I think most relevant to me, but really, your entire post is useful and I hope many of our distinguished TAM member will appreciate your wisdom. :smthumbup::smthumbup:

If we are to put the possibilities of orgasm in percentages, would it be correct to say that a female orgasm are 80% decided in her mind, 10% in the technique of the partner and 10% in luck of the draw?  (I mean, you could be very deeply attracted to your partner, and he might be a great lover, but if suddenly your house is hit by an earthquake, undoubtedly orgasm will not gonna happen, because intercourse will have to be stopped due to unfortunate circumstances!  )


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> There is a reasonable possibility that your wife has a secret fetish and she is ashamed of it and cant tell you and cant share with you.
> 
> If she O's alone....then something MENTAL is going on.
> 
> ...


Good advice and very logical, I hope this will work with our OP!


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Eros Turannos said:


> She claimed to only be able to climax through anal and nothing else. Her boyfriend collaborated, for what it's worth.)


I'd sign up for this is no time. :smthumbup: I have a small obsession with her ass  but so far I have failed to please it. 



> Since she wasn't exactly opposed to a vibrator, I would definitely try one. And like another poster mentioned, read up on anatomy and the different erogenous zones in the vagina (some are INCREDIBLE if you can find and stimulate them correctly). And also like he said, even if you can't let yourself off the hook for this, at least pretend like you have for her sake.


You're suggesting to pretend for years to come. I'm not that good of an actor. Besides, we promised honesty to each other. Reality of this is that it's affecting my confidence and ego. When those things disappear so will my erection.

I did my homework on female erogenous spots but I'm blind without her feedback. 



> Good luck!!


Thank you. :smthumbup:


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> Ive been very very upset about it over the years.....mostly about the fact that she kept it from me for 13 years...but she says she could not bring it out..being it was a deep dark and shameful secret to her....too bad. Real bummer.
> 
> Overall though, if you have the combo of a fairly low drive wife (like mine would probably want 1x per week if left to her own devices she initiates now usually once on a weekend day...)....sometimes she "fails" to get there too even when she wants to O....plus something she feels is shameful about sex....well its damn hard....
> 
> I still get upset about it, but Im also proud of what I have achieved in getting her to be more open and share with me...although Ive made many many mistakes along the way and made her feel bad about it in the past cause I was so hurt and mad and felt lied to and betrayed.


I do envy you in regard that you have been able to get past her fetish. I couldn't do that. To be honest if I knew that she's fantasizing about someone other than me while having sex with me all her orgasms would be for naught. That would kill me and our relationship.

You call 1x per week a low drive? Try 1x per month... 

Anyway, back to me. I don't think that there is a fetish from her side. She is a sincere person. I'm the one with a strange and secret fetish in our relationship. 

And back to her. She admitted that she is not a sexual person. I think her enjoyment from sex is mostly emotional and not physical that much. She wants sex to fill her 'love tanks' and she loves the feeling she's loved and desired. 

It makes perfect sense why she is not interested in her own orgasms but values highly my orgasms. On rare occasions I couldn't cum she cried, boy she cried and blamed herself and apologized. Not a pretty sight. It would also explain why she doesn't enjoy any extras (oral, anal, roleplay, etc...). It would also explain why she never touches herself when I'm around and be slightly uncomfortable when I ask.

If that's true than we're in a trouble. While I want all that also I need for my sex life to be much more.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

TheStranger....

Her fetish DOES NOT involve thinking about someone else.....its not about a person...it can involve me in a way....its not about gender..its not about sexual body parts....its not sexual to me at all.....

If your wife had one, you would get over it once you learned to accept her as she is...

Maybe your wife does not have one...fine...but keep an open mind...

THIS WAS THE LAST LAST LAST thing I ever expected! 

I always thought we were very open and close...we were intimate from day 1 and open to talking.....

She just could not tell me....she could not really allow herself....she was very ashamed and felt bad about it....of course she did not want to have orgasms...

Actually, imagine if you could ONLY have an orgasm when you thought about ONE SPECIFIC THING....and that thing made you feel like a bad or defective or nasty person.....

That plus a female level of testosterone.....= low orgasmic potential...= less sex drive.

My impression...could be wrong...is that men are more likely to express their fetishes and women as a group are more likely to suppress and even take to their grave...

My wife comes from what she considered to be an "asexual" family...she was a virgin at age 23 etc...

Fetish does NOT equal rampant expressive sexuality like in the media...it often equals shame and repressed sexuality.


In her case.....its more a branch of S&M type thing..but very very specific....she swears no child abuse...but I always wonder.....

She compares how she feels about it and herself sometimes to a secret SIMILAR to child abuse.

I think she in the past...and I hope less and less now....feels she is bad and deserves to be punished for it.....(not that she asks me to punish her haha..nothing like that)....its really more on the sadist than masochist side for her....and really its very mild.

Im wondering...well if you don't know your wife as well as you think...this is my guess...I say this ONLY trying to be helpful.

its not that she is not honest...that was how I thought about it too...its that she is not able to be open with herself and with you..and that clouds over the whole thing...especially if she sees sexual gratification as shameful. This is so very common.

Let me tell you....MY WIFE TOLD ME SHE WAS NOT A SEXUAL PERSON ALSO! She even told me once sex is not an important part of her life....now she DENIES DENIES ever having said that 4 years ago....

This person...WHO TOLD ME EXACTLY THE SAME....that she was NOT SEXUAL, yada yada, 

yea tell her that this am...hahah...as she was having a great time me in marital bed.....and when she is asking me to do this and that...and she "did it" she told me all about it and said, "whew finally"...."that felt good"...etc..etc..

Maybe its just premeno hormone changes....not close to meno age 46... as far as I can tell.....not yet...

All I can tell you is that getting this out took 13 years on my part...

It WAS worth all the agony I went through with her to basically FORCE her to get it out and open and accept herself....

Now she says I helped her accept herself....now she says she often (not always) likes sex....

Now she agrees she wants more and better sex for our future....

She sounds like she loves you a lot.....she is human....she's not one of these asexual people....

So there is something mental going on here....

You have to carefully, slowly, find out what SHE likes and be prepared.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I really cant get over how similar our stories are......

another thing....

That was my other mistake for years....trying to get her to LIKE what I like...or think about sex the way I think about it....

YOU like her butt, excellent! But that does not mean she likes you there.....that may not be sexual to her at the moment...

With secret fetishes and even just desires....Its like trying to get a gay person to be straight....a milder version of that..but in the end....similar....

My wife actually hated that I tried to teach her what sexuality should be.......she generally did not like ME imposing my sexuality ON her...in the sense that I was trying to change her etc....she tried to some degree....

The answer was.... FOR HER and ME... to accept her sexuality....and go with it.

This has been very difficult...only with years of talking...10 now since Ive known about it....has it slowly begun to dawn on me that maybe this is not about me....that Im not somehow bad in bed....that Im not sufficient in my comfortably average sized body part etc etc...

Being a typical guy I thought for years that perhaps if only I had a 10 inch dong that would do it...haha.

Maybe would have added some interest for me....maybe would have got me some size queens over the years...but I dont think it would have done it for my wife.....although she would be fine with it if that was me.....it

In the end she had to want to do it...but I had to push like hell....push all through the crap conversations that she always tried to end with "that makes me uncomfortable..."  

That is always a bs answer...if you get that answer it means you need to find out WHY and WHAT is making her uncomfortable...

In the end we are just people....we are not hurting anyone...we are good people.....we are alone....no one needs to know...(except anonymous internet people haha)...

So if something makes you feel good...why would you not want it....probably cause it makes you feel BAD also....

Something mental is going on with your wife...

If she menstruates, etc...she basically has normal hormones....if she masturbates with success she has normal nerves....

There is some reason she cant share with you with comfort...I highly doubt its your fault...

Yes this does make me feel left out sometimes, yes it does make me unhappy sometimes, yes it still confuses me cause Ill never "get it"...

On the other hand....she is very unlikely to cheat on me....there is very very little chance that she would ever be able to reveal this to someone else....and it would be unlikely that she would be comfortable with anyone else cause I am the one that knows her....


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> TheStranger....
> 
> Her fetish DOES NOT involve thinking about someone else.....its not about a person...it can involve me in a way....its not about gender..its not about sexual body parts....its not sexual to me at all.....
> 
> ...


I'm not saying it's impossible that my wife and yours are the same in this way. It is possible but I find it very unlikely since we're been honest to each other and so far her honesty did hurt me on few occasions so it's not like she's afraid of that. Secondly I'm pretty perverted myself since my list on sexual practices that I wont do i considerably shorter form list that I would do. I don't think she would shy away to chip in with her fetish.



> In her case.....its more a branch of S&M type thing..but very very specific....she swears no child abuse...but I always wonder.....


I must admit I'm curious what it is. From previous posts I assumed it's movie stars. Of all my fantasies I haven't disclosed just one which could be described in your exact words as a type of S&M thing but very, very specific. I also don't know from where this fantasy came from. No child abuse either (not totally true because I've lived through war and I've seen it firsthand).



> ....its really more on the sadist than masochist side for her....and really its very mild.


You've said that this thing is very mild but you're not into it. Now that you know do you participate in her fetish? I'm prepared to go great lengths just to see my wife aroused and orgasmic.



> its not that she is not honest...that was how I thought about it too...its that she is not able to be open with herself and with you..and that clouds over the whole thing...especially if she sees sexual gratification as shameful. This is so very common.


It is possible, but still find it unlikely. My wife is a very shy person tough.




fetishwife said:


> I really cant get over how similar our stories are......


True, very true.  



> That was my other mistake for years....trying to get her to LIKE what I like...or think about sex the way I think about it....


I have made the same mistake as you. Exactly the same mistake and I'm realizing that after 6 years of our relationship.



> YOU like her butt, excellent! But that does not mean she likes you there.....that may not be sexual to her at the moment...


Sadly true. But she loves the thought that I'm a fan. She enjoys it and she uses it for teasing especially when we can't have sex.



> With secret fetishes and even just desires....Its like trying to get a gay person to be straight....a milder version of that..but in the end....similar....


Also true. I have resisted my fetish for years until I finally admitted defeat and accepted it as a part of me. A weird part of me.



> My wife actually hated that I tried to teach her what sexuality should be.......she generally did not like ME imposing my sexuality ON her...in the sense that I was trying to change her etc....she tried to some degree....


My wife didn't mind. She had done everything I've asked and she didn't shot down my fantasies. But her lack of enthusiasm or enjoyment has bothered me so I quit asking some things that we did in past.



> Yes this does make me feel left out sometimes, yes it does make me unhappy sometimes, yes it still confuses me cause Ill never "get it"...


I don't think she 'gets it' either. She only knows that it triggers her arousal and gets her there. For my own fetish do not 'get it' also but it pushes my buttons very well. Luckily, it's not that severe like with your wife and I rarely think about it during sex. I usually use it when I'm 'handling things myself'.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

A true fetish is not ONE of MANY interests....for example I like MANY different sexual things.....some unusual some not..

A TRUE fetish works like this....the PERSON CAN NOT ORGASM (and sometimes cant even get aroused)....without thoughts (or more than that) about fetish...

That is my wife...she can get aroused by me, movie stars, etc...her movie star thing is more like obsession or crush..not fetish....

To actually have O, the fetish must be in her mind.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> A TRUE fetish works like this....the PERSON CAN NOT ORGASM (and sometimes cant even get aroused)....without thoughts (or more than that) about fetish...


We have different views on what fetish is I suppose. 

This is from dictionary:

noun
1.
an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2.
any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.
3.
Psychology . any object or nongenital part of the body* that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.*

For a fetish to be a fetish I think it's not required to be a fixation.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

So, she tried to have an orgasm (for my sake?) last few times when we had sex. She rubbed her clit while I was penetrating her and we have spent time on a long foreplays which are concentrated on her clit.

She enjoyed the experience very, very much but nothing on the orgasm front. Anyway she said that two things are in the way:

1. She is too wet and the clit is too slippery.
2. Well, me.  She said that she really need to be concentrated and that I'm distracting her. 

So, yeah I'm the road block between her and orgasm. Any advice?


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

No... you are not the road block.....its her that finds another person distracting.....its not anything you are doing as far as you have told us.

I dont know....why do we care anyway....

Is the idea that if she has them then she will want sex more often?

I dont hear about this always being the case....plenty of wives have them and still dont want sex much...and same thing for plenty of guys who dont care about sex much....

Anyway...good luck..

The nice thing is that she is trying.

I think it just takes practice on her part...but its also an issue of how motivated she is to practice in the first place.

unlike me, my wife just does not need that many orgasms in her life....she is barely ever alone so I pretty much know that she sometimes goes weeks without one..but once a week is more than enough for her..

So why do we care anyway...?

Is it the idea that someone else could do for her what you can't..? That is probably only partly true..its possible...but unlikely to happen in real life since you are happily married...

So why care about it if she does not care?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> So why care about it if she does not care?


1. I know it's there. I know it's possible. I know she would enjoy it if it would happen. I want to be able give her an orgasm. 

2. Validation. To be a good lover for me is to give her an orgasm and make her feel special. I have succeeded in latter but it's not enough. This my definition that predates our relationship.

3. The ending. It's like we're at a great party and we're both having fun and it's always me who says it's over, the fun is over. I hate that, I see in her eyes that she would rather stay for a little while.


----------



## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Excellent advice!
> 
> I would also add that if you approach sex with your wife in the right frame of mind she will be more likely to respond. A woman can tell when her partner is fiddling her in order to illicit a response from her. She feels pressured to give the response, but since she knows her true response isn't what you would like, she begins to feel deformed, defective, not working right. A woman who has trouble orgasming mostly blames herself, *rarely blames her lover.
> *
> ...


This is actually woman dependent. Some women orgasm just from the physical too... Some women have admitted to having orgasms during rape unfortunately. That doesnt mean they enjoyed it and itprobably added to the shame they might unjustly feel. However, it does illustrate that for SOME women their heads don't have to be in it and they are physically sensitive and wired to orgasm from touch.

OP's wife just is wired like that..


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

TheStranger said:


> When she got pregnant her sexual drive shut down completely. After that cold shower I realized that her orgasms may never gonna happen and that really, really hurt my confidence. I was depressed for days.
> 
> Well, that was 2 and a half years ago. We had few serious talks about our sex life and my expectations and found out that orgasms are not important to her that much. She wants intimacy and affection and she doesn't miss them that much. She can orgasm when she is alone but didn't since pregnancy.
> 
> ...


Hi Stranger!

I have quoted selected paragraphs from your post for a reason. You are in a position to get everything you want, but if you're not careful, you could blow it. Let me start on how you're blowing it; and then if you're still with me, I'll tell you how success is guaranteed.

First of all, you appear to be of a slightly OCD, or highly strung disposition. that is not a criticism by the way, I am a little bit OCD too 

You are jumping up and down because things aren't instantly going your way. If you read the bits I've quoted above, you will see that the answer as well as the problem is all spelt out in your first post. 

So let's review the "good news" one bit at a time:



TheStranger said:


> Well, that was and a half years ago. We had few serious talks about our sex life and my expectations and found out that orgasms are not important to her that much. She wants intimacy and affection and she doesn't miss them that much. *She can orgasm when she is alone* but didn't since pregnancy.


So this tells us that she likes intimacy and she is capable of orgasm. In other words, the equipment works!



TheStranger said:


> If I finger her (*which she loves*) she can be little ticklish. I can't stand that anymore, like she is laughing to me. I really enjoyed giving her oral but she lately admitted she never really liked that which hurt - a lot.


This tells us that you have found something that she really likes. Not only that, but the best way to bring a pre-orgasmic woman to orgasm is with your fingers.



TheStranger said:


> She sees that I'm hurt badly by this. Now she tries not to show if I start to tickle her but I know her too well. Now she demands oral telling how she's 'hooked on it and it's my fault' and I just can't. I know it's for my benefit and I appreciate it but it makes things worse for me.


This shows she is bending over backwards to please you. She really loves you and is a caring person. 
*
Putting it all together*

OK, I'm going to give it to you straight. Please bear with me 

Some women are just born ready for sex. Just like a guy. Plenty are not. Did you know that whereas a man is at his sexual peak between 18-25, women don't peak until about 36?



TheStranger said:


> When she got pregnant her sexual drive shut down completely. After that cold shower I realized that her orgasms may never gonna happen and that really, really hurt my confidence. I was depressed for days..


I left this quote until last. This is the best bit. Although it might not be obvious yet, I feel that she is the type of woman who's sexuality does not blossom fully until after having a kid or two.

What you have here is a woman who is willing to learn and grow. However, you have been somewhat clumsy in your handling of her. You have seen all the negatives but failed to notice the positives, of which there are many.

I want to just focus on one tell-tale sign that you could do well to cogitate on:



TheStranger said:


> If I finger her (which she loves) she can be little ticklish. I can't stand that anymore, like she is laughing to me.


You have the interpretation of this completely upside down. She is ticklish because she has inner resistance. Resistance is a psycho-sexual term. It means she wants to do something, but it brings up a minor struggle for her. It could be that she has an over-religious up bringing. It could be anything. The reason I say that you have it upside down is that she like you fingering her so much, that she let's you do it, and tries her best to ignore the tickling. Her laughing is a release of stress. If you can find a way to apologize for stopping her laughing, telling her that you were taking it personally because you misunderstood that it tinkles sometimes, that might be good. But do not try to psychoanalyze her! You will never get sex again!

You have a lot of sensitivity, but it is directed in the wrong direction: Inwards! This is like wearing a shirt inside out. Sensitivity, if we are blessed with it, needs to be directed outwards towards others. In this case your wife.

If you just bear with her. Give her time, and giver her encouragement, all good things will come to you. It is that simple


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Keep a towel near the bed and wipe her off when she gets too wet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

TheStranger said:


> So, she tried to have an orgasm (for my sake?) last few times when we had sex. She rubbed her clit while I was penetrating her and we have spent time on a long foreplays which are concentrated on her clit.
> 
> She enjoyed the experience very, very much but nothing on the orgasm front. Anyway she said that two things are in the way:
> 
> ...


This just proves my point. If she is wet that is FANTASTIC. Patience, sensitivity and skill. Oh and lots of love


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Just an update. 

So, we talked yesterday about it some more. Basically I reiterated my point of view that her lack of orgasms are making me insecure and that is made worse that she ignored this issue for almost three years despite our conversations about it.

She again promised that she will look into it but I'm not hoping really. It's clear she doesn't want to do this. She claims that her orgasms are a lot of work and she doesn't succeed every time she tries and they are not worth her time which is why she stopped masturbating when I came along.

She says that our sex is so much better that her orgasms. She says that in order to orgasm there can be no distractions (like me for example), she must close her eyes and concentrate completely on achieving it and it doesn't come trough every time.

I bought her a few battery operated toys three months ago for her to see if they would make a difference and I have spared no expense to get quality but they are still in mint condition. 

Tbh, I even annoy myself with the fact that I repeat the same conversation every few months like a talking parrot. I don't know, feels hopeless. 

rant on
I've never seen a female orgasm live and it's likely I never will.
rant off


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

She sounds a lot like me we I first got married. I didn't get my first orgasm while having sex for 10 years. I always have to concentrate even today to have an orgasm and I used to always have to close my eyes. My mind runs a hundred miles an hour most of the time...I am a big multi tasker, those are great things most of the time but during sex not so good. A great aphrodisiac helped immensely, it forced me to focus. I was ticklish to I thought...not ticklish overly sensitive...have you ever orgasmed and then your c**k is overly sensitive afterwards, that is the feeling. My guess is that is why she thinks it hurts during oral, she is overly sensitive. The key for me was the more we did it th ed more desensitized I got and more comfortable and pleasurable it was. Hope this helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Stranger, 

Its not a big deal for her. Its not an important part of her life. You cant make someone want something that they dont care about.

Ive read it 1000 times now and I believe it....its very very unlikely for a low drive person to become a high drive person.

It might happen down the road for a few days or weeks when she is having some fantasy or something and puts you in there...but you cant make her have passion she does not have by pressuring her.

I have tried this and I suppose it sorta worked for me..then the wife has O's for a few months once a week....then I gave up...if she is not interested but still willing to do me, then I give up.

She wont do it unless pressured, but hates being pressured...so what is the point?

You want it to bring you closer together, but its probably causing the opposite effect.

I think for a sexual person its very difficult to get through our heads that asexual type people often could care less about sex...that is why they are like that...it does not matter to them.

Its not like you are trying to help her with something that is frustrating her...ITS NOT BOTHERING HER! You are bothering her about this...its bothering you....

So why is it bothering you? I know it bothered me when I was "in love" with my wife. I think there is a biological association between female O's and increased possibility of conception....read that somewhere...maybe its wired into our brains...higher chance of passing our genes if she gets off....so we want her to...survival...translates into emotion and desire.....

She will be happier with you if you accept her as she is....that is a fact. Not ignore her....but find out what it is that SHE actually wants out of sex (if anything) or life or time with you etc...and GIVE HER THAT....

Stop trying to make her do what YOU want...and figure out what SHE wants...and do that if you can.

This whole thing has ruined my relationship. I blame my wife for it, but the truth is also that when I found out the basis of the whole lack of orgasm, sexuality thing for her...I could not deal with it. I still can't. I dont like it and she is not going to do anything that would draw me in cause she does not care about it that much anyway.

So be careful how far you push this...it could kill your marriage....and you will have no one to blame but yourself because SHE does not care about this issue...YOU are actually being selfish.

Its very strange..cause I know how you feel that you want to give her something, experience something etc.....I just dont think she/they sees it that way at all. 

Is there some other thing that she just is crazy about (baking or knitting or dolls or something) that you cant enjoy or understand...switch it around....she does not get it. Its not important to her like it is to you.

If it was important to her she would be doing something about it herself!

My wife could not care less about a vibrator either. She says its the wrong motion anyway. Its not a universal orgasm cure. 

Unfortunately for me, I cant take my wifes sexual disconnected from live, S&M type thing (that she would rather suppress anyway) or lack of sexuality (despite the fact that she will do it a couple times a week as long as i ask)...it has become a giant turn off for me....and I have basically had it and I'm in the process of blocking her emotionally out of my life....

Im sick of worrying about it so I have basically stopped. Im going to go my own way. If she decided she wants more out of sex one day then maybe Ill be around for her and maybe not.

Im at the point where I think if she has an affair.. (which she wont cause she doesn't like sex that much..yes with anyone....not just me...and she does not need a man to complete her..etc...)..it would just be an easy out for me...and Id wish her well.

The whole sex and marriage thing seems so screwed up to me, I think we should all just open up our marriages sometimes and not get so hung up on all this...

So anyway...rant....think about how selfish you are actually being....


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Oh and by the way....remember, this is likely to get WORSE as you two get older...not better. So get used to it and decide now if you are going to let it ruin your life, have it be a cause of divorce, or live with it and learn to accept it .....and not blame yourself.

In my opinion these asexual people should let their spouses have sex elsewhere....but maybe Im just in a bad mood today and that is my opinion today.

If someone else could make her have one, then it probably would be more likely that you would too! 

But again, she does not seem to want that anyway...that is not what its about. Its about lack of interest at a basic level.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

mineforever said:


> Hope this helps.


Your case is very similar to what my wife is saying. Very, very similar. I have to wait 4 more years? 

If there could be such guarantee I would sign it. 4 years is not that much.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> Stranger,
> 
> Its not a big deal for her. Its not an important part of her life. You cant make someone want something that they dont care about.


If she loves me, it should be a big deal for her. I have made a big deal out of everything she said it's important to her. She will acknowledge this if you would happen to ask her. 



> Its not like you are trying to help her with something that is frustrating her...ITS NOT BOTHERING HER! You are bothering her about this...its bothering you....
> 
> So why is it bothering you?


It's bothering me. I made that from the start very clear. It bothers me because it makes me feel inadequate and incompetent. It bothers me because it's my biggest fantasy since I discovered my sexuality long time ago. 
It bothers me because I'm a giver and I can't give her that. 



> Stop trying to make her do what YOU want...and figure out what SHE wants...and do that if you can.


She is happy. I ask her form time to time are there any needs that I'm neglecting and it's always a big hug and lots of kisses as a response. I believe she wants that I stop beating myself about it. 



> This whole thing has ruined my relationship. I blame my wife for it, but the truth is also that when I found out the basis of the whole lack of orgasm, sexuality thing for her...I could not deal with it. I still can't.


I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Ok so here's my opinion. 
I'm HD, love sex, have multiple O's and squirt. 
But I didn't start out that way when I first had sex. My bf and I at the time had to work through a lot of things and get the technique down. 
The older I get the better sex gets. I'm 41, and I am a different sexual being than I was 20 years ago.

I had my daughter 8 years ago. And HD me didn't want sex from about the 7th month on. It was so uncomfortable, my body felt so weird, I couldn't enjoy it. 

Then after I had her, I had ZERO interest. Nada. I kept waiting for my desire to come back. 
Slowly it started to creep back. I felt so unattractive because my body had changed so much. 

While I was breast feeding one of my breasts was about twice the size of the other and I felt like a circus freak. Plus I was scared of leaking, and scared of her waking up in the middle of sex. 
I weaned her at thirteen months and within months my drive was back with a vengeance. 
While you are nursing your body produces hormones that can eliminate your libido. So this isn't a time to be trying to expand your sexual horizons, try new things or get her to O. 
It's quite likely her hormones just won't let her. 
Has she had her period yet? 
After she weans and a few months go by and her periods are regular, then try to work on it. 

You should get the book "Intimacy and Desire", there's a whole chapter on ticklishness. It's a great book for anyone with desire issues or sex problems in a marriage. 

After she is back to her non breast freezing self, you can figure out the ticklishness issue. 

She sounds like she has performance anxiety. You can do things to help her be more relaxed but focusing on it outwardly and pressuring her during the act is going to make it less likely that she has an O. 

Have you used toys together?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

When she says you are the roadblock it's because she's afraid of letting go, that she will be out of control in front of you, make weird faces, etc. 
I would suggest a position where you aren't directly face to face at first. That might take away the stage fright. 
Plus a glass of wine, (pump and dump?) a night away from the kids, dim or candlelight, loud but sexy music.


----------



## patronizedoutcast (Apr 30, 2013)

I have the same problem with my partner. She barely responds to me sexually and it makes me feel totally inadequate. It makes me hate myself and my life and seriously worry about the relationship. I know that I don't have a big **** to begin with and she basically doesn't care about having sex with me since she will never cum from intercourse and even clit stimulation is a gamble. It's like we are more friends than a couple at this point. pathetic.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Ok so here's my opinion.
> I'm HD, love sex, have multiple O's and squirt.


Yeah, someone out there is very, very lucky to have you. :smthumbup:



> It's quite likely her hormones just won't let her.
> Has she had her period yet?


My son is almost 2 years old, she got her period back 4 months after delivery and she is still breastfeeding. Not sure if hormones are to blame, we have been several years together before pregnancy. 



> She sounds like she has performance anxiety. You can do things to help her be more relaxed but focusing on it outwardly and pressuring her during the act is going to make it less likely that she has an O.


I actually never had sex with an expectation that she could reach an orgasm. I always kinda hoped, maybe someday it will happen. Now, I don't hope anymore, the concept feels too unbelievable like something from SF which makes me very sad.



> Have you used toys together?


I bought them but she haven't used them so far. She said few times that she will but she doesn't seem even curious about them.



diwali123 said:


> When she says you are the roadblock it's because she's afraid of letting go, that she will be out of control in front of you, make weird faces, etc.


She says most of the time it's like she is very close to an orgasm but cannot actually make it there.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

patronizedoutcast said:


> I have the same problem with my partner. She barely responds to me sexually and it makes me feel totally inadequate. It makes me hate myself and my life and seriously worry about the relationship. I know that I don't have a big **** to begin with and she basically doesn't care about having sex with me since she will never cum from intercourse and even clit stimulation is a gamble. It's like we are more friends than a couple at this point. pathetic.


Welcome to TAM.  You should open your own thread to have your story heard and I'm sorry to see you there.

If it's any help I have an above average **** and it doesn't seem to change much.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Never thought that he would feel responsible though or depressed about it. I don't feel depressed, I'm glad I can have them most if the time.


If my wife had a 10% success rate, this thread would not exist and I would probably never seek out a forum like TAM for help.

Having 0% rate in my marriage and 0% with all my sexual history bothers me. I do feel incompetent. I think it's a natural reaction when you want something, willing to make any effort to make it happen and ultimately fail at it. Feels like a soccer player never scoring a goal in his life. 



> Why do you deny yourself and your wife? Come down to earth and join the rest of us average slubs, drop the pride.


I'm not denying myself to my wife. We have pretty good sex life at the moment but I do smell trouble further down the road. I think performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction are realistic risks for my future.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How old is she again? 
When is she going to wean?
Why are you waiting for her to take the lead? Pull out a toy and experiment next time. She sounds shy.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

My wife is more likely to have an orgasm if I tell her not to worry so much about it. Even if she is taking a very long time. and especially if she is giving it a good try. And if I ask her gently is what I am doing feeling good to her, and if so, then I say "good, I just want you to enjoy this for awhile, as long as long as its feeling good to you." If it doesn't feel good, then I ask her what it is she needs me to do differently in that moment.

I understand how you can feel frustrated, and that you feel it must be a reflection of you somehow. But, if you want it to change, IMHO, you are first going to have to make her feel accepted just the way she is, and somehow lovingly make her feel that you are eager and willing to make it pleasurable for her without condition. If you cannot make it easy for her to trust that it is ok to be herself on her own skin with her body open to you in any way she wishes, then she will close you off and her own sexual potentials as well.

Just my opinion.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just an article I found & thought I'd share>> 

Yes! Yes! Oh, no! Coming oh so close to orgasm - Health - Sexual health



> Other contributors to orgasm trouble include nicotine (smoking can kill your sex life before it kills you), some anti-depressants, obesity and cardiovascular disease. So stay in shape and lose the extra pounds.
> 
> Psychology is important, too. A younger woman may have “insatiable” desire and yet, say, have a body image problem that prevents her from “letting go.” In a study led by Meston, 21 women were shown an erotic video. Some were made more aware of their own bodies through the use of a mirror while others were not. “Results showed that subjective mental sexual arousal and perceptions of physical sexual arousal increased in response to erotica in the Body Awareness condition,” the study found.
> 
> ...


Me personally... I really can't look at a man or husband as EGO driven because he desires this so strongly, I tend to feel this is a very passionate drive of LOVE for wanting his wife's pleasure... of course he wants to GET HER THERE...this makes him feel on top of the world...as she is experiencing it herself. 

My husband is likely the least EGO driven man around.. and He has shared with me, if he couldn't get me there, he'd be absolutely devastated...the act would he Hollow for him ...

The 1st time he didn't get off..and told me he could wait the next day....I had a flood of emotions come over me, took me by surprise..... I didn't like it ...at all .. so even as a woman.. .I can understand how a man feels in this... 

But obviously it is a real problem as your wife feels "under pressure"....and this can even halt an orgasm coming..as she needs to feel wholly accepted where she is..

Just wanted to express , that I "get" your genuine flaming desire for your Lovers Pleasure, wanting this so badly, with everything IN YOU, to take her to these euphoric mountain tops .. it's a driving soul passion... I can understand this part in a man.

I find this post of yours very Loving/ caring for your wife ...I think it would be far worse to have a husband who gave up, resigned to the fact...well, it's never going to happen, so I'll just enjoy ....I guess somewhere in the middle might be helpful for your own sanity at times though. I hope you find this balance as you continue to do all you can for your wife's pleasurable experience. 



TheStranger said:


> 1. I know it's there. I know it's possible. I know she would enjoy it if it would happen. I want to be able give her an orgasm.
> 
> 2. Validation. To be a good lover for me is to give her an orgasm and make her feel special. I have succeeded in latter but it's not enough. This my definition that predates our relationship.
> 
> 3. The ending. It's like we're at a great party and we're both having fun and it's always me who says it's over, the fun is over. I hate that, I see in her eyes that she would rather stay for a little while.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Oh, and it's NOT that you are a lousy lover. If it were that simple, the toys you bought would be showing signs of wear. And she'd be using them to completion every time you finished. So, stop beating yourself up like that. It merely frees you from the opportunity to be more loving and accepting of her, IMHO.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Totally agree. It's not about you, it's about her. It's not anything you are doing or not doing. 
When I started having Os it wasn't because my bf did anything different, it was because something changed in my head. 
I really think you should try my suggestions to get her in a relaxed state away from kids and use toys.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> How old is she again?
> When is she going to wean?
> Why are you waiting for her to take the lead? Pull out a toy and experiment next time. She sounds shy.


She is 31. The plan is to wean him after all his teeth come out since he's having a hard time with them. My guess is late summer.

When I presented the toys I said they are for her to use with or without me when she feels like it. I think pulling a toy would pressure her since they are bought with the intent of exploring her orgasms therefore pulling a toy by me would mean I want you to try to have an orgasm now.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Oh, and it's NOT that you are a lousy lover.





diwali123 said:


> Totally agree. It's not about you, it's about her. It's not anything you are doing or not doing.


The rational side of me agrees with you. The emotional side is not convinced.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes but some women O like crazy with toys even under pressure. She might love it. 
Also detachable shower heads are great.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband is likely the least EGO driven man around.. and He has shared with me, if he couldn't get me there, he'd be absolutely devastated...the act would he Hollow for him ...


Yeah, it sucks... Thanks for understanding and for the link.

My wife has a problem with me being here on TAM. She says that reading this site makes me feel worse and she is right. She feels that she cannot compete with all these women (like diwali for example) who have orgasms regularly even multiple times and that I'll never be happy with her. 

Well, she is not right. The site makes me feel worse because it's filled with people willing to work on their relationships to solve issues at hand and I can't count her among those people. 

It's been almost three years when I confessed my feeling and how this issue is very important to me and all I've got out of her are excuses and empty promises. Our last talk was in mid January when she promised that she will look into it ASAP and that she understands why this pains me. She did nothing. 

Last week I have called her on her promise and she apologized for breaking it. So, how did the talk ended? More promises...

I'll never resent her for not having orgasms but I may eventually start to resent her for doing nothing even tough she says that she understands. Those promises hurt because they gave me hope.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I thought she was trying though. And you might remind her and keep in mind I didn't have Os from the get go. 
I had to work on it. And it's also about age and I would bet her hormones from nursing.
What exactly would you like her to do to show she is trying? 
There have been times I have had to stay away from certain sections of TAM because we were having issues with him not wanting to give oral. It was just too painful reading about other people's experiences. 
But we got through it. 
I would suggest MC with a sex therapist.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Question for you: does she have any fantasies? Has she read any erotica?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Question for you: does she have any fantasies? Has she read any erotica?


Maybe. No.

Not sure what qualifies as fantasy. She doesn't by her admission spend time thinking about sex when I am not around. She does like sex with a touch of dominance ie 'being taken' and she does like public sex where we are not seen but could be seen.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Have you ever done those things?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Yes. 

The domination thing doesn't really fit my personality but I gave it my best shot and she says she is happy with it. 

Public sex? 
Car, Boat, Forest, Bushes, Hills, Beach, Coast, Open windows... It dropped off when our son is born because since then all sex happens when he's asleep.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Could you try being dominant and using a toy on her?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TheStranger said:


> Well, she is not right. The site makes me feel worse because it's filled with people willing to work on their relationships to solve issues at hand and I can't count her among those people.


 I would say for every poster on TAM....certain subjects can be "triggers"....for myself... my husband struggles with the "TAKE ME" / Dominant thing... which I would enjoy (once in a blue moon)...

Could be a ton worse, I know this. So we brain stormed....came up with a workable plan to help him overcome (a spice jar writing out the fantasies I'd love him to fulfill)...still working on that. 

He even hesitates "to promise" feeling he won't be able to live up to what I want. 



> It's been almost three years when I confessed my feeling and how this issue is very important to me and all I've got out of her are excuses and empty promises. Our last talk was in mid January when *she promised that she will look into it ASAP and that she understands why this pains me. She did nothing.*


 This is very difficult as her *INaction* inevitably breeds you feeling she doesn't take THIS as seriously as you feel...of course this STINGS....

*Question*... Would she be GAME....if you bought a book, you & she read the pages together (or articles on the net -laptop before you) ...one dealing with this particular topic... that so many other women struggle with...would she commit to lying in bed with you a couple nights a week (a hour of her time for example) and working on this - communicatively along with "exercises" of sorts?? ....

Maybe she needs a little motivation with your patient encouragement... 

For instance, my husband is NOT a reader... but he is very happy to sit with me and discuss ANYTHING... if I do a thread here....even about him, we'll go through every answer and talk it over....this is worth GOLD to me...IF I was waiting on HIM to read something on his own, or get real creative on his own, likely I'd be let down.. so this has been "our way"....


A book like THIS Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems: ...which I personally own (bought this after I gave him some performance Pressure...so we worked through that using Sensate-Focus exercises -who needs a Sex [email protected]#$).... this book has it all...

*Chapter 11 ...would discuss your issue.*..

*1*. Phyiscal causes of Female Orgasm Disorder
*2*. Psychological barriers to Orgasm
*3*. an Alternative View of Female sexual problems


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Or these could be some options more geared to your specific issue..

*1*. I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide: Books



> Whether you’re celebrating your thousandth female orgasm, searching for your first, or cheering on your girlfriend or wife, women and men across the country agree: I Love Female Orgasm!I Love Female Orgasm is crammed with everything you want to know about the big O, including:
> 
> How to have an orgasm during intercourse-and why most women don’t Directions on finding your way to the G-spot Detailed advice on how to have your first orgasm Advice for better oral sex Tips on surfing waves of multiple orgasms (even if you usually have just one) The truth about female ejaculation (yes, it exists!)
> 
> ...


*2.* She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: Books



> When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue," writes clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. in She Comes First, a straightforward, intimate, and exuberant guide to cunnilingus.
> 
> Kerner first explored "the oral caress" as a way of compensating for his "sexual inadequacies," and quickly learned that women not only welcomed but often preferred "the way of the tongue," reaching orgasm more consistently than through intercourse. Kerner educates readers about the clitoris, "the powerhouse of pleasure," with 18 parts and 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis) and describes female sexual response from "foreplay" through "coreplay" to "moreplay."
> 
> A large part of the book is a graphic, detailed primer on "mouth music," including best positions, step-by-step techniques (illustrated), and tips for tongue and fingers. How long should this last? Until the woman has an orgasm or many, says Kerner, and "melts blissfully before your eyes." "The vast majority of women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough," writes Kerner. This book will change that.


*3.* Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm: Books



> The truth is: Most women do not have satisfying sex lives. SLOW SEX can change that.
> 
> Better sex is about one thing: better orgasm. This life-altering guide teaches men and women how to use the practice of Orgasmic Meditation-or OM-to slow down, connect emotionally, and achieve authentic female sexual satisfaction. The promise: In just fifteen minutes every woman can become orgasmic. And, with the right partner and the right technique, that orgasm could last and last!
> 
> ...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

A couple more... Amazon is your friend....always great to read the reviews of customers too!

*4.* Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming: Books



> *•* Ten ways to have an orgasm
> *•* How to have an orgasm when you want one, as often as you want one
> *•* Exercises to increase your sensitivity
> *•* How to practice and explore in private
> ...


*5.* The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm: Books



> *Are you one of the thirty percent of women who has difficulties with orgasm? *Do you want to experience greater sexual satisfaction? In easy to read language, The Elusive Orgasm provides a full overview of women's sexual pleasure, covering sexual triggers, stages of arousal, the power of mind, and how women differ from men.
> 
> Longtime clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Vivienne Cass reveals all the causes of women's orgasm difficulties — and how to remedy them. In The Elusive Orgasm, you'll learn:
> 
> What an orgasm is How the clitoris is much more than "a little button" The stages of a woman's arousal The five types of orgasm difficulties The twenty-five causes of those difficulties Self-awareness via quizzes and questionnaires Sexual and non-sexual changes to help you orgasm Step-by-step plans to help you and your partner An extraordinarily thorough, all-inclusive exploration of every possible reason why women have orgasm challenges, The Elusive Orgasm gives you the tools to discover the source of your own orgasm difficulties, along with straightforward remedies.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Great suggestions.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *Question*... Would she be GAME....if you bought a book, you & she read the pages together (or articles on the net -laptop before you) ...one dealing with this particular topic... that so many other women struggle with...would she commit to lying in bed with you a couple nights a week (a hour of her time for example) and working on this - communicatively along with "exercises" of sorts?? ....
> 
> Maybe she needs a little motivation with your patient encouragement...


Maybe she would be game. Thanks, I have never considered that we could do it together. Not sure if it would work, but I'm willing to try.

The thought that not only I can't get her to orgasm but my presence are preventing them is debilitating.

Thanks for the books. I'll order one or two if they are delivering to my country.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Could you try being dominant and using a toy on her?


It's difficult to be dominant with something you've never done before. The egg vibe alone has about 10 different modes...


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's why it's an experiment. Have you watched any BDSM porn or read any erotica?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If her problem is Oing in front of you that isn't something she can work on by herself.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> If her problem is Oing in front of you that isn't something she can work on by herself.


Well, it's been about 3 years from her last orgasm. I thought that she could remind herself what it takes to do and then involve me. Anyway, I have new stuff to try. Thanks for your help.

Give my regards to your H. Lucky man.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

For the last three years she has been pregnant and breast feeding so there you go. 
It has a huge impact on us.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Little update:

So we talked some more and she told me that she needs sex about once a month or less. We were having sex about 3 times per week lately. I mentioned earlier how she makes no effort with solving our issues with sex and it turns out I was very wrong. Her effort was in initiating and not rejecting me if possible. 

She said that she never felt pressured to have sex but did it because I need it and she was glad to 'provide' it. She says that she enjoys being there for me.

On one hand I'm glad that she cares for my needs but on the other hand I'm feeling very unattractive atm. She doesn't desire me she just responds to my needs.

Anyway it's clear that the orgasm issue cannot be solved if her drive is so low. I think there is not point into bringing that up despite the hurt that has caused me. 

Also, I have asked her if she would be ok if we stopped having sex for a month or two. I know I would be thinking about her motives for doing it and it would not end well. 

She is concerned about me. She asked me repeatedly what can she do to help me and I'm not sure what to say. It's clear that two things that I need from her, desire and orgasms, she cannot give me right now. 

Am I overreacting here?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

2x4 to you: I would type in all caps but it's obnoxious. She is brestfeeding. Her body is creating hormones that make her not want sex. 
I think I've said that about six times and you ignore it. Do you not believe it?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Do you not believe it?


She is not sure about it. Also, this whole low drive thing started sometime before pregnancy or right after she got pregnant. Can't remember anymore...

I know I haven't responded to but the truth is I really, really, really wish that you're right about this.

Btw. What is 2x4?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It's a metaphorical whacking you with a board to snap you back to reality. 
http://m.voices.yahoo.com/breastfeeding-low-sex-drive-88671.html

http://www.babycenter.com/404_will-breastfeeding-interfere-with-my-sex-drive_11809.bc

http://www.bellybelly.com.au/breast...ppened-to-my-sex-drive-now-i-am-breastfeeding

Before this pregnancy but in between kids? Regardless of why it started she cant work on it while her body is squashing her desire.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

We have only one kid. Thanks for the links.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh Ok. I think you are incredibly lucky that she wants to please you. Also something that our MC told me a lot is just because someone doesn't want sex as much doesn't mean they aren't attracted to you. 
Which is hard for me to wrap my head around. I was LD in my first LTR when my libido was much lower and I was with a bipolar man who was hyper sexual. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to him, I just didn't want sex as much as he did.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Which is hard for me to wrap my head around.


It's impossible to me. She says that I'm attractive but admits having desire once a month on average? That's like an hour or less of intimacy and sex every 30 days. I just can't understand such attraction.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

You are going round and round in circles with this now for months.

So many of us are in a similar situation....STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOUR WIFE INTO YOU.....

She is not you. Her experience of life is different. 

She has low sex drive. Deal with it (which she is apparently doing) stop making it about YOU....accept it or get a divorce.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's how I was when I was in my early twenties and when I was breastfeeding. 
I just was so afraid it would never come back. The hottest man alive could have come on to me and I would have said I wasn't in the mood. 
Plus I was severely sleep deprived. 
But after I weaned it came back with a vengeance and then my PA exhusband would turn me down and say he wasn't a light switch you could just turn off and on. 
Anyway.....hang in there. She's weaning soon right?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fetishwife said:


> ....STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOUR WIFE INTO YOU.....


I'm not. I'm just trying to be happy and I'm communicating what I need to be happy. 



diwali123 said:


> But after I weaned it came back with a vengeance and then my PA exhusband would turn me down and say he wasn't a light switch you could just turn off and on.
> Anyway.....hang in there. She's weaning soon right?


Soon? Autumn at best I think. 

How much time it took you to recover your drive after weaning. Are we talking months, weeks?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think it was a few months. 
How much sleep is she getting?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Sleep? She does have some bad days but on average she sleeps more than me since I'm working while she's SAHM.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Let me rephrase it. How many hours in a row of sleep does she get at most in a 24 hour period?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Let me rephrase it. How many hours in a row of sleep does she get at most in a 24 hour period?


Around 5 or 6 hours maybe. We sleep in separate rooms, she is usually with our son so that I can get some sleep during working days but I insist sleeping with him around 2 days every week so she could get some well deserved rest. 

I know where you're getting at and I'm aware that now is not a good time to talk about this issues. I should wait a year or so. Just not sure what to do with my feelings. They are eroding me slowly.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No I'm not saying that. Actually five hours in a row isn't bad. When you slept with him how often does he wake up? 
I'm guessing he isn't eating at night anymore? 
Have you had any nights alone without the kiddo? 
Let me tell you that along with the hormones, dealing with poop, snot, drool, puke, crying and screaming all day does not make you think about sex. 
It's disgusting really. 

In addition being a SAHM is really hard, you have no sense of power and people think you do nothing. You can't even go to the bathroom by yourself. I remember when I started working when she was two and those 15 minute breaks and lunch felt like a miracle. 
I would suggest working on getting him to sleep by himself so you two are in bed together. Getting a plan for weaning. Getting a plan for her to work at least part time, and planning nights alone if you can. 
I know it sucks but try not to take it personally. 
It's kind of amazing that she does have sex as much as she does.


----------



## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Hi 

I really think you need to cut your wife some slack 

I consider myself to have a high sex drive even though I only O during clit stimulation, it really is not the end of the world that my husband can't make me O with his penis 

Some women don't O from penatration but this seems to be a huge deal for you, why not find a women who can orgasm at the drop of a hat

I love having sex with my husband, it's not all about cumming 
It makes me feel close to him


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> In addition being a SAHM is really hard


I know it is. That's why I help around. For example, I'm doing the cooking, kitchen cleaning and grocery shopping. She rarely needs to do that and I make sure they get 2 warm meals everyday. Never take out food. I also help with cleaning, laundry and ironing. I also deal with poop, pee, snot and whatever. It's not disgusting for me or for her. 

The part time job is waiting for her in autumn. She's a school teacher.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> I really think you need to cut your wife some slack.


I do reluctantly agree. 



> Some women don't O from penatration but this seems to be a huge deal for you


No, you misunderstood. I've never seen an O in any way of capacity and I'm having sex more or less regularly for the last 10 years, 4 women in total. 

It's my fantasy from puberty when I realized that I'm a giving type of person.


Welcome to TAM.


----------



## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Thank you 

As a women I can tell you that is quite tricky having an orgasm 
I can give myself an orgasm quite easily with my fingers esp while watching porn 
My husband can give me an orgasm with his fingers but it takes longer 
I have never had an orgasm though oral but I do enjoy it 
Sometimes during penatration I can feel a orgasm building but I can't seem to tip myself over the edge without using my fingers 

You see every women is different and your wife loves you and still wants to have sex with you so just enjoy her for who she is 

You may find that when she relaxes and you stop putting pressure on her she may open up


----------



## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

And also I have 2 young children, I find I can never really relax even when they are asleep

As a mum you always have one ear open


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> so just enjoy her for who she is


It's difficult to let go of my dream and me giving her an orgasm is my dream. I'm very careful about putting pressure on her that's why I have only mentioned this 4 years into our relationship and it was never about past or present but I always talked about future.

Usually people use word never for dramatic effect but in this regard the word is accurate description of my past and present perhaps even my future.

You know, the funny thing is, my wife is the same as me. She finds my O's very, very important and on those few occasions where I haven't delivered there were tears involved and doubt and questions.

While I understand that it's a tricky thing I still feel like a failure as a giver and as a lover.


----------



## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

I didn't notice if you said you have tried a vibrator. My wife has issues quite often having an O (I feel mostly mental, trying too hard, etc.) and your wife sounds similar to her in that my wife is pretty LD and isn't adventurous at all in trying different things in bed. I'm also like you, in that I'm always concerned with her having an O every time we have sex. Several years ago I got her a pocket rocket type vibrator. I tried it a few times, and she sort of liked it, but never came close to an O. Then a year or so later she was pregnant with our first child, and about six months in sex became uncomfortable so I took out the vib again as a substitute, thinking what the heck. Holy crap was that a different experience. Her hormones were so raging, she immediately was loving it. She had a screaming O (which she had never done before) within minutes. So that was the new ritual until our son was born. Post baby, it was back to before, but I was determined to not give up. Finally after trying off an on for a few months, I've discovered for the most part (it can change from session to session) where the key spots are, and how to use the vib. I don't know the technical term for the area, but one issue she has is if I get too close to the opening of her V, it is too intense and she shuts down. So I have to walk a fine line. But now I can consistently get her to the happy place, and the vibrator has become a regular addition to the beginning portion of sex (although at times it seems like that is the only thing that will get her started, but that's another story) to really get her motor running for an O. And if she isn't able to do it during intercourse, I'll stop and get her there with the vib, or I might do it after I've done my thing. So I'd suggest giving it a shot.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Work-In-Progress said:


> I didn't notice if you said you have tried a vibrator.


Yeah, I bought few of them. They are still unused. 

Thanks for sharing your story. I think the biggest difference between our wives is that mine isn't really interested in her O's. It seems she would be very happy with our sex life if it wasn't for my feelings.

She did say she will try to make it happen but I see in her heart is not into it. I do believe that the whole thing is kind of hopeless because of that.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree!
Edit: I agree you should try a vibe.


----------



## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

I got that part. I just thought maybe if you really tried to concentrate on the experience for her by using a vibrator, it might get her to let go a little bit. She may not care for having an O, but maybe she's just so disappointed by not having any in the past, that she's given up hope and just doesn't want to try any more. My wife hasn't gotten to that point in 16 years of marriage, but she goes through prolonged periods (sometime months) where she has trouble and gets to a point where she hits a mental wall. So every so often, even if she wants intercourse, I just keep going with the vib until she has an O. I think that helps a little bit.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

From my world to yours:

The fact she is willing to participate in sex with you, given how she feels mentally and physically at this point having had her body and mind turned upside down carrying your child and nurturing it, "stuck" presently as a SAHM -- well, that is worthy of admiration. If you can focus on that, and somehow really feel it, then you and your relationship are going to be much better off.

I see it as a very loving thing your wife is doing -- supplying despite not desiring it. Cherish her for that. Make her feel cherished for that.

Be patient. Whatever the root of the problem is, give yourself time to find it and solve it, or time for it to go away on its own (i.e. breast feeding, sleep deprevation). And now is not the time to focus at all or even mention the lack of O.

It's easy for me to say this, as my wife resented me asking for so much as a HJ seven months after our first born was born, and I was working full time but doing at least half the child care, up helping with breast feeding every single time (including helping through latching difficulties, burping, changing, rocking, putting in bed). 

You have some things to be thankful here, from her -- from the love she has for you in her heart. Treasure that. Treasure her.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

I can't dispute even one word from your post. Thanks. 

Btw. my wife waited 8 months before she did anything sexual after birth. It reminded me of my teenage years as a computer nerd...


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know how well I qualify for giving advice since I haven't gotten there with my husband YET either. 

1) Honestly that breastfeeding is the worst because its practically designed to keep you from getting pregnant again too soon. It kills natural lubrication, keeps the hormones low and it is a constant bodily drain. Plus you have all the physical touch you can take during the day from the child. When you get to bed you just want to be left alone.

2) As a fellow woman who has a difficult time with orgasm - there is an enormous amount of difference between a battery operated vibrator and an electric one. For a case like your wife (after she gets done breastfeeding) I would recommend an electric. A Hitachi would solve your problem quickly but there are 'muscle massagers' you can get at walgreens that don't look intimidating or like they are from a sex store that suit a shy girl.

If my husband would get over his issue about vibrators we wouldn't be in the spot we currently find ourselves in. 

Having said all that I totally get that you only want her to want you! You cant make another person want to do it, that's the whole problem. 

Really I am hoping when she stops breadtfeeding things will get better for you guys.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> 1) Honestly that breastfeeding is the worst because its practically designed to keep you from getting pregnant again too soon. It kills natural lubrication, keeps the hormones low and it is a constant bodily drain. Plus you have all the physical touch you can take during the day from the child. When you get to bed you just want to be left alone.


In our case, like everyone else, we wanted to be the best parents we could be. Somehow, we came to believe breast feeding was the most sensible choice. I do believe it backfired.

It was difficult for my wife, especially at first. Our newborn was not so easy to get to latch on, causing much stress because the baby obviously needs to feed. And, then not long after getting home with her, my wife developed mastitis. Very painful for her. And, for awhile, we also needed to supplement with formula, iirc was a slippery slope.

Even when those aspects were resolved, still, my wife had no reasonable way to take a break from it. I did what I could to help, and was as much or more sleep deprived than her. Had we gone the formula route, I could have taken many nights myself and let her sleep.

In retrospect, breastfeeding probably set our marriage back very far. Besides the stress and sleep deprivation, and the blow the difficulties must have had on my wife's feelings of her "goodness" as a mother, I suspect it had, hormonally, a negative influence on her sexual desire and ability to be aroused.

Sure, DD got some antibodies, etc., but her parents didn't hardly survive, and she, now 13, has never ever seen parents who truly loved each other, and loved each other well.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

OP,

Just (re?) read the start of this thread. Some big similarities to our sex life after child birth at least.

Before childbirth, wife could easily O on her own, and not rarely did with me via fingering and oral and vibrator. (Never ever via PIV, though I suspect she had with previous lovers ))

Anyways, after childbirth (waiting 7+ months before even trying), O would not happen for her. Even when trying alone. Antidepressants at some point were introduced - SSRIs, which commonly affect libido and ability to O, I think.

Eventually, things got easier for her -- though not like before child birth.

One breakthrough seemed to be thinking she had a clitoral adhesion, and working that free somehow. Never heard of it before, but all good things come to those who google. Just looked it up again (could not remember the exact term)...this one might be a good read:
http://myvestibulitis.blogspot.com/2010/08/clitoral-adhesions.html?m=1

I don't think she associated much if any pain with her clitoris, but it did seem to us there was an adhesion, and"fixing it" seemed to provide her deeper arousal.

In any case, what led to awareness of this potential problem was my slowly growing awareness her clitoris was not getting engorged/swollen as alwsys did before childbirth. Maybe that is a symptom you could discretely ponder next time, uhm, your in the neighborhood.

I also recall warming gels seemed to help with her arousal. (Not so much the "tingling gels") Also, a "massager" that plugged in and had an infrared heating element attachment was what she seemed to like most -- I think because warmth increases blood flow, and, well, feels nice.

It did get easier. I don't know how, but its probably best if this is seen as something you can work through as partners for her pleasure and your closeness together - and not so much as something you must fix about her because it disappoints you.

Encouraging/supporting getting back to Oing by herself is probably a much more reachable goal. Once she can do that, then it will be significantly easier for her to achieve O with you in the room, then fingering/oral-ing/toy-ing.

Don't recall if you have introduced toys. My wife seems most comfortable with the classier looking ones (not, say, the very large penis shaped ones with "realistic" veins, etc.). (Or maybe it is ME most comfortable with her not having THOSE, lol). I also bought her one that claimed to be waterproof, and I hoped telling her I thought maybe she could find a use for that privately in the bathtub might have helped her see that this mission we were on was as much about HER sexual fulfillment as it was for mine (which was true).

We have yet to get the Hitachi magic wand, but I have heard only good things about it.

I suspect it will get easier for her, given time and support.

Oh, btw, it is NOT very likely that you are a lousy lover. It simply sounds like that for her, as it is fir many, O does not come easily, especially with young kids entering lufe and changing everything. Try very hard to not take it so personally -- THAT will destroy your chances of getting her to O. And may lead to intractable resentment in you both.

It did get easier for my wife. Given time and the chance, with toys mostly, she can have a very pleasurable orgasm. Come to think of it, she has had a few two-in-a-row sort of orgasms since childbirth, and that had never happened before.

Is sex ever painful for her?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> 1) Honestly that breastfeeding is the worst because its practically designed to keep you from getting pregnant again too soon. It kills natural lubrication, keeps the hormones low and it is a constant bodily drain. Plus you have all the physical touch you can take during the day from the child. When you get to bed you just want to be left alone.


Lubrication was never an issue. Physical touch is also not an issue. She likes to touch a lot. 

Thanks for the tip about an electrical vs battery. Never considered the difference.


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Is sex ever painful for her?


I was in the beginning of our relationship. She blamed it on 7 year hiatus between me and her last boyfriend. Didn't last long.

I also agree that orgasming herself would be more reachable goal but it win't happen I think. She has lower drive than me so she's already getting more than enough sex with me to even consider masturbating. She wants all her sexual energy to be spent on me.

An infrared massager is a nice idea. I already have one at home. :smthumbup:


----------

