# Shared custody - extraordinary expense



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, haven't been on this forum in years, but struggling over a co-parenting issue and need a reality check.

Been divorced over 6 years, ex and I have both settled into new lives... shared custody 50/50 but at the time of our first separation agreement I earned about 50% more so paid her a very modest child support payment and also 2/3rd the extraordinary expenses. She ended up remarrying and never did take a job that paid her full earning potential and neither of us has sought to renegotiate the finances as it likely would not make a very big difference financially.

problem I'm having is I suspect because she pays a smaller portion of extra expenses she's less careful about incurring those expenses. Typically we're reserved those for extracurricular activities, medication etc. Most everything else evens out pretty fairly without either of us seeking out reimbursement. And we typically discuss these kinds before agreeing to pay them, sometimes we will agree to 50/50 instead of 1/3 for a particular expense...

However, a couple months ago while at her home our child had a very serious nosebleed, like coming out the eye socket serious, and she called ambulance... paramedics treated him, clamped his nose and got the bleed stopped, said he would be okay and she declined having him taken to ER.

So now we have an ambulatory bill which she expects me to cover 2/3rd of. If I have never called an ambulance in my life because I know it is expensive. If she let them transport him to ER my insurance would have covered it. If he had been in my care I would have taken him the the emergency clinic beside my house, or driven him to ER, same with how it was before we divorced. From her perspective calling the ambulance was in our child's best interests but now she's settled in to new life, with second child that caused her some injuries affecting her mobility every time something serious happens there it has the potential to cost me great expense.

Am I right to question this kind of scenario? I was totally relieved that my child was treated by good hands when the paramedics showed up there, but I feel like she has all the control of the purse strings, and a large part of the breakdown in our marriage was because of the stress her spending habits caused me. It doesn't help that I'm financially stretched right now due to having my own extraordinary medical expenses.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

There's probably nothing you can do about what a court will probably consider to be "reasonable uncovered medical expenses" incurred by the child when she's with her mother. Sure you can question it in a court of law, or not pay it because you deem it to be unreasonable medical expenses and then take it up with the judge when your hearing date arrives.

Is she court ordered to pay 1/3? If not what's prorata legal obligation? If so, at least she has to pay 1/3 of the bills, that might keep her in check to some extent. In my case, I was responsible for 100% of noncovered medical, I was expecting my overspending overprotective exwife to run up medical bills for the kids all over town. Luckily it never happened.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Bonkers said:


> There's probably nothing you can do about what a court will probably consider to be "reasonable uncovered medical expenses" incurred by the child when she's with her mother. Sure you can question it in a court of law, or not pay it because you deem it to be unreasonable medical expenses and then take it up with the judge when your hearing date arrives.
> 
> Is she court ordered to pay 1/3? If not what's prorata legal obligation? If so, at least she has to pay 1/3 of the bills, that might keep her in check to some extent. In my case, I was responsible for 100% of noncovered medical, I was expecting my overspending overprotective exwife to run up medical bills for the kids all over town. Luckily it never happened.


Thanks for reply... I have no intention to take it as far as family court. Our separation agreement was amicably negotiated before a judge signed off... I'm just frustrated about this and feel like I'm too easily take advantage of, by her, still. I couldn't imagine if I had to cover 100% of those expenses like you did. I'm just trying to separate the taken-advantage-of part from what is necessary for my child when she makes choices that are different (and usually without thought to money) than I would make.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Maybe she doesn't understand how the insurance works, I hope you took the opportunity to clarify it and tell her next time she does something like this you won't be paying for it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you're not willing to go to court to change it, just write the checks. What is the point in "questioning" her decisions unless you are prepared to challenge her in some meaningful way?

Honestly, you weren't there. Why would she listen to your opinion after the fact?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> If you're not willing to go to court to change it, just write the checks. What is the point in "questioning" her decisions unless you are prepared to challenge her in some meaningful way?
> 
> Honestly, you weren't there. Why would she listen to your opinion after the fact?


I guess I'm just not feeling it's my responsibility to just write the checks. I don't think it's really a child expense it's an expense that came about from her household decision how to manage this. If this happened when my child was with me it would not have cost me an ambulance bill I would have just taken him to the walk in clinic or ER myself and I wouldn't expect her to reimburse me for my fuel or any other expenses that I would have incurred, even if I took a taxi, because it is how I manage my household transportation needs.

It's not that I'm unwilling to challenge it, I'm just not able to see where my responsibility for her choice to call an ambulance begins. Yes, it was urgent, arguably an emergency, but IMO there were other ways she could have handled it. I guess it's also bothering me because the thought of asking me to reimburse her never even crossed her mind until I mentioned if she sent me the invoice I could try to submit it to my insurance. 

I'm usually perfectly reasonable on coparenting issues and money. I'm not materialistic by any means, just for some reason there is something about this that makes me feel uneasy and I'm not sure what I'm missing.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Lon said:


> I'm just not able to see where my responsibility for her choice to call an ambulance begins. Yes, it was urgent, arguably an emergency, but IMO there were other ways she could have handled it.


Like any other matter that will come up until your child is legally emancipated, you gotta view it from a legal perspective. If this matter went to court (which I know it probably won't), how would a judge look at it? My inclination is that it would be considered a reasonable way to handle it and you would be required to pay your prorata share as determined by the terms in your divorce Stipulation of Settlement. 

Closest analogy I can think of is when my exwife took the kids to an orthodondist for out of network treatment because she didn't like the way the in-network orthodondist spoke to one of the children during a visit. Even though the braces were almost completely paid for. So she goes elsewhere, gets billed almost as if it was starting over, and sends me the bill for almost $6k on top of what I had paid initially which was almost as much as the new amount. I refused to pay and ultimately she was found to be liable for it. But it cost a lot in legal fees to fight that one, although it was lumped together with several others. Sometimes it's worth a fight and the associated fees, other times you're just better off writing the check, but it has nothing whatsoever with what you "feel" is right. Shelf your emotions and start looking at this from a business, legal perspective and things will go much smoother for you. 



Lon said:


> there is something about this that makes me feel uneasy and I'm not sure what I'm missing.


The lack of control.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Lon said:


> I guess I'm just not feeling it's my responsibility to just write the checks. I don't think it's really a child expense it's an expense that came about from her household decision how to manage this. If this happened when my child was with me it would not have cost me an ambulance bill I would have just taken him to the walk in clinic or ER myself and I wouldn't expect her to reimburse me for my fuel or any other expenses that I would have incurred, even if I took a taxi, because it is how I manage my household transportation needs.
> 
> It's not that I'm unwilling to challenge it, I'm just not able to see where my responsibility for her choice to call an ambulance begins. Yes, it was urgent, arguably an emergency, but IMO there were other ways she could have handled it. I guess it's also bothering me because the thought of asking me to reimburse her never even crossed her mind until I mentioned if she sent me the invoice I could try to submit it to my insurance.
> 
> I'm usually perfectly reasonable on coparenting issues and money. I'm not materialistic by any means, just for some reason there is something about this that makes me feel uneasy and I'm not sure what I'm missing.



Interesting perspective. I doubt that many people would share your view that calling an ambulance for your child who is bleeding from the eyes would not be a child expense. 

A child excessively bleeding from anywhere would cause many 
parents to fill their shorts. Sounds to me that she did what she felt she needed to in a moment of high stress to take care of your child. Do you allege that she was aware of the cost difference and chose this scenario to cost you extra money? Should she have stopped to call for your advice before taking action? I didn't know that treatment from an ambulance is only covered by insurance if it takes you to the ER. I'll bet many people are just as ignorant as I was on that. Perhaps your ex was also unaware of this and just didn't want to put the kid through the miserable ER experience once the bleeding was taken care of. 

I really just don't get where you are coming from. She didn't buy the kid an iPhone and send you the bill. You mentioned that money is tight for you right now. Does the prospect of paying this bill trigger some kind of shame or fear that you don't have the resources to do so comfortably? Maybe you resent her because if she had handled it differently you would be spared these feelings. I don't know. Maybe you do.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is your son covered by her insurance under the husband name? what i would make sure is that you are only paying that potion not covered under insurance.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just tell her I'm not going to cover it because I don't agree with her choice, which cost ME more money than I can afford. Let her try to get it from you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Lon said:


> I guess I'm just not feeling it's my responsibility to just write the checks. I don't think it's really a child expense it's an expense that came about from her household decision how to manage this. If this happened when my child was with me it would not have cost me an ambulance bill I would have just taken him to the walk in clinic or ER myself and I wouldn't expect her to reimburse me for my fuel or any other expenses that I would have incurred, even if I took a taxi, because it is how I manage my household transportation needs.


Damn, son, that's some might twisty thinking you're doing there. Calling an ambulance for your child, which this instance easily passes the reasonable person test, is not really a child expense? Who was treated by that ambulance crew?



Lon said:


> It's not that I'm unwilling to challenge it, I'm just not able to see where my responsibility for her choice to call an ambulance begins. Yes, it was urgent, arguably an emergency, but IMO there were other ways she could have handled it. *I guess it's also bothering me because the thought of asking me to reimburse her never even crossed her mind until I mentioned if she sent me the invoice I could try to submit it to my insurance. *
> 
> I'm usually perfectly reasonable on coparenting issues and money. I'm not materialistic by any means, just for some reason there is something about this that makes me feel uneasy and I'm not sure what I'm missing.


So try to submit it to insurance and if they don't pay it, write the check and consider this a valuable lesson about offering things you're not asked for.


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