# Life changed, and husband is very angry



## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

In the past year I have come to the conclusion that what I thought I wanted out of a career for life isn't what it's really cracked out to be. I've started to realize that many things just won't work out, either for financial purposes or other purposes (I need to be a little vague here for privacy). Needless to say, I have been looking for another job since I realized this.

However, the issue my husband and I have come across is this: he is very angry with me because of this change. He thinks that I am stubborn and I am not doing enough to make things work. To put it into perspective, I have been work experience in my sector for nearly a decade, working in a lot of different situations. I have had people getting out of grad school for my sector tell me that I have more experience than they do!

This has been causing a lot of problems in my marriage. It just seems like this is just one of a multitude of issues we always come across. 

About a week ago, we were arguing about this same issue and he told me that I wasn't working hard enough. Sometimes I think he wants me to work to the point of collapsing or placing my health at risk. I told him that I am NOT doing that to myself-- for the first time in my life I am starting to draw a line down with everyone (him included) and take care of myself. I told him that I can't continue putting my health at risk and he said, "too bad, you're going to have to figure out a way."

Somehow he wants me to be this superhuman person who can do all and get all and that's not how to works. I don't know what else to do, because this is causing a strain and we're arguing all the time. 

What do I do? Is there anything I can do?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Keep standing up to him. Keep standing up for yourself.

The response your husband gave - "too bad, you're going to have to figure out a way" is NOT the kind of response a loving, caring spouse would give to you. It's the kind of response a parent would give to a child, or a prison guard to a prisoner. He should be wanting to work on ways that could help fulfill you both.

I think I read in another thread that you also did all of the housework because he didn't want to, and that you were looking for ways to decrease your sex drive because he didn't want to have sex anymore. Umm... you are his WIFE right? Not like a servant, yes?

Don't let him walk all over you. Learn ways to pass the "fitness tests" that he throws at you. You deserve respect and appreciation too. Honestly, this is the first time I've ever recommended a woman go out and read through this sticky thread, but go out to the first thread in the following and read about "fitness tests" (just change the references to gender around 'cuz you sound like a nice "gal".) Your H is yanking your chain unnecessarily and he will continue to do that unless you remove that chain.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Here is also a good book that you may be interested in reading:

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books

God speed.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

Not working hard enough?Who the hell is he Iceberg Slim? Most guys want their wives working LESS so they can spend more time with the family. 
Stick to your guns and if he's not happy with the cheddar being brought into the house, let HIM get a moonlight.


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

Well we don't have children and I am not sure we ever will, so being more available doesn't mean much to him. 

I have to be the one to take care of the home entirely because he won't-- and unless I do, no one else will. At least I have some control in that area, because I am the one who decides what gets done and when. He really doesn't care much for any of that.

My husband had this idea that I would always stay in my job sector for the rest of our lives, and it's clearly not like that at all. No matter what I try to do to convince him that I DO NOT like my sector anymore-- or my current job-- he refuses to budge or allow me some leeway with it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Seriously, your husband doesn't work at all? And you have no children? So he's not at home caring for anybody else and has no reason not to work?

I am astounded all ready. 

He is lazy.

he does nothing around the house? 

So you provide for him and are his housemaid too?

He is obviously very selfish, lazy and cares nothing for your health, he doesn't take his role as your husband seriously and he doesn't contribute to the household.

You seem to be a doormat.

How dare he tell you- as someone who contributes nothing to work harder.

He's a loser and you deserve better.

I would just file for divorce.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think that what is bothering your H deep down is that if you are making so many changes here, he feels that one day, you'll be looking to get rid of him, too.


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

Of course I have been making changes-- because I am no longer as young as I used to be, or think that I always knew what I wanted to do. The way I see it is I can either be in a job that makes me miserable for the rest of my life, and pour my energy into it while everything else gets robbed-- such as my relationships, my health, well-being, etc.-- or I can make this change and in the long-run, things will be much better. For starters, we argue A LOT about money because he doesn't make that much, and I make even less than he does (we both work full-time). I'm trying to look for jobs that will at least start out with 35K which, believe it or not, is a LOT more than what I currently make.

I do not believe filing for divorce is an option (many people have told me to anyway) because it really won't change what I have to deal with. Why would I get rid of him? Just because I am making a job change means I won't see any need to be with him either?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Stop discussing it with him. Do what YOU need to do for yourself, and the betterment of your life. Why does it matter so much that he "approves"??? You've discussed it, you know his position.... your position is different, that's all. Continue to look for another job, put out resumes, continue your education... do what you want/need to do to improve yourself and your quality of life. Period.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I know that you are making changes, and that's great, but many insecure men think that changes now mean "spousal upgrade" later.


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