# Im trying to learn and know consequences of how I handle things.



## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

So I think for the most part our R has been going fairly smoothly. I am doing everything I possible can to re-assure my BS that I want to be here, I chose to be here, I never want to be with anyone else and I am sorry beyond words for all the hurt I have caused him & our family. There is of course bumps and tough times. Tough questions, tough answers, tough emotions and days but there is also some times when I feel like we really will get through this and grow to a new couple. But here is my question:
It is almost as though my brain does not process things properly as to understand how the choices I make will affect him and us. I say this because when something happens, a trigger or event, I automatically go into battle mode. My heart and brain got back and forth, back and forth on "do I tell him", "If i dont tell him, what if he finds out, is it something that will upset him", "Is it even worth telling him cuz maybe it is minor and he really doesnt care to know these things", "how do I bring it up or tell him so I upset him the least" and "Im scared to tell him because I see the hurt in him about stuff and it kills my heart everytime" "When I tell him, how will it affect the rest of our evening or day". I always push through this battle and tell him because I am being 100% honest & need him to know I am in this all the way. I cannot lose my husband, I love him and I know what I have done and will live with the guilt forever but I am determined to never hurt him like this again and if it hurts me to do that then so be it. I deserve the world of hurt. 
So yesterday, this is what happened. In the morning when I stopped at a gas station to grab a coffee on the way to work a guy in the parking lot stopped to ask me if I sell seed (I work in agriculture). I sure do I told him, what are you looking for? I realized I thought I knew him so I gave him my card and he introduced himself. I DO know him, I havent seen him in prob 15yrs but we had a little laugh how time has passed. We went on our way, me saying call the office and we can discuss his seed options. 
A few hours later I was up town washing my company vehicle and was on the phone with my H when I got a call waiting beep. I thought the # was that of our daughters school so I quickly took the call. It was this man from that morning asking to see me about the seed. I said I would stop by his office or he could come over to mine. My H called back immediately, concerned that maybe something bad had happened that the school called but I explained it was this man I ran into that I knew and hadnt seen in so long. The # was 1 digit off from the school. No worries, we went about our day.
Well, a few hours later the guy came by my office. We were in my office, I was explaining how our see pkgs work and it was very casual. Then he asked how my family (mom & dad) was. I told him that my parents actually divorced 6yrs ago and that they were very good. Then he reached back and pulled my office door closed, I found it odd. HE then asked me if I was still married? Sitting there with my very sparkly wedding ring in plain view and a wedding pic of my H and I 6" away, I said in a very direct voice, "I am VERY MUCH still Married." He said that he had asked around before he came to the office & was told we were seperated so he was wondering if I maybe wanted to go for lunch sometime with him. I said, "uhm, yes were seperated for some time but have worked through that and are very commited to our marriage so no, lunch was not going to happen". AWKWARD!! He didnt seem phased at all by what I had said so I just went straight back into talking about work. I wrapped it all up and said, so think about your options for seed and call the office if he wanted to book some. He said, good to see you and we will chat. 
Immediately after he walked out the front door I went into my co-workers office and told him what had happened and that he could deal with the guy going forward. He techinically doesnt farm in my service area so my co-worker should have been handling his account anyways. 
Prob an hour later, he called the office and he asked to speak to me. Admin put him through and he booked his seed, then asked if I knew of any single woman in the area and if I do, let him know. I just sorta laughed and said that wasnt part of my job. I then told him I had given his info to my co-worker and he would follow up as he did not farm in my territory, or his other option was to deal out of the other office in our area. He said okay and I said, thank you, have a great day. Hung up. 
All afternoon I was in a panic mode trying to figure out how this all came up, how to tell my H, how would he react that this had happened, did I handle it properly, was I firm enough???? 
I waited until after dinner at my inlaws, after my sons hockey practice and kids to bed until I told my H. I immediately saw a change in him as I told him and he asked why I hadnt told him sooner. I explained that it was stressing me all day but I didnt want to tell him until we were alone and could discuss it. He was upset that I hadnt told him immediately & I was trying to explain y I waited. He kept saying he told me a million times to just tell him when things happen and was upset that I had waited. SO this is y I ask if I dont process things right to understand the consequences of things like this? 
Should I have told him right away? Yes, I guess I should have.
What made me choose to wait? I didnt want bringing it up to ruin our family time and I felt it was something we needed discuss between just us. I didnt not tell him because I didnt want to. I just wanted to tell him the right way in the right circumstances to discuss it.
What will I do next time? If he really wants to know immediately, I will tell him. I will still struggle with it cuz its not whether I SHOULD tell him it is just HOW I tell him. 
Any thoughts from others that have been down this path?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As another cheater my position has always been that if something happens that my wife needs to know about I move to tell her like my rear end is on fire - timing and consequences be damned. Nothing stops me and nothing slows me down until she knows. Any delay creates too much opportunity for suspicion or misunderstanding as you just experienced. 

I think you were firm enough but if seed dude comes around again you need to express it so there is no room for interpretation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

From the viewpoint of having been cheated on, my advice is to do what he's asking you to do.

If his need is to know immediately, then tell him, no matter what. If it had been me, I'd have wanted to know that you had run into an old friend at the gas station who might turn into a business client. Maybe a phone call from work to say "Oh the strangest thing happened" or something like that. Then when he showed up at your office (which, by the way, you handled beautifully), you could have called H right after and said "Okay, I hate telling you this because it causes me anxiety, but person came to the office today to discuss business, and actually asked me out. Here's what happened..."

Waiting until bedtime has the potential to give your H the impression that you struggled with telling him the truth, and it took you until bedtime to decide to do it. (Even tho that's not what happened)

I think giving that man's info to your coworker was perfect. You handled it just fine - just be sure from now on to share anything important with your H as soon as it happens.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> All afternoon I was in a panic mode trying to figure out how this all came up, how to tell my H, how would he react that this had happened, did I handle it properly, was I firm enough????
> I waited until after dinner at my inlaws, after my sons hockey practice and kids to bed until I told my H. I immediately saw a change in him as I told him and he asked why I hadnt told him sooner. I explained that it was stressing me all day but I didnt want to tell him until we were alone and could discuss it. He was upset that I hadnt told him immediately & I was trying to explain y I waited. He kept saying he told me a million times to just tell him when things happen and was upset that I had waited. SO this is y I ask if I dont process things right to understand the consequences of things like this?



You did well. You need not tell him instantaneously.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

aug said:


> You did well. You need not tell him instantaneously.


I think it is okay to wait for an appropriate time. But tell him why you waited, and tell everything. Include what you felt at the time of the happening. Simply put: be just open - opposite to hiding. This will help faster trust rebuilding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you're over analysing. If I was your husband, I'd be more assured by the answer you gave. Of course if he wants to be updated immediatley because it puts his mind at ease then you have no other choice but to comply.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

If, as the betrayed spouse, I expressed a need to my partner that they then either ignored, or only met when it was convenient for them, then I'd be upset.

If there is a specific reason that you cannot meet your husband's need of knowing immediately when things happen (such as job restrictions, etc), then it is your responsiblity to say "I understand your need to be immediately informed about situations such as this, but remember that there may be times I can't call you right away" - and then go on to discuss when those times are.

In a healthy marriage, of course there's nothing wrong with waiting until you have a good moment to talk to tell your spouse about something they'd be interested in knowing about, but yours isn't healthy right now. You are making amends for having an affair, so as inconvenient or unreasonable as your H's needs may seem right now, it's your job to accept them anyway.

Remember - he's reeling from the fact that you tossed his needs aside and put yours first when you had the affair. Right now has to be all about proving that you'll never do that again. You'll probably have to do this a million times in a million different ways until he believes you. If calling him or texting him info as soon as something happens isn't a hard thing to do, then I say the effort is worth it.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Thank you. I appreciate what I learn on here & really hope we all get thru our situations with the best possible outcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Just a quick chime in on my wife's thread. I wasn't really upset about the situatuation. My wife is an attractive woman and a man hit on her. It's gonna happen. I don't know the guy that hit on her so I have no beef with him. If Allybabe handled it like she said she did then she handled It perfectly, no problem there. 

I was upset ( and by upset I mean a little irritated not raging) because she hid it from me all day. I have asked her before to tell me this stuff ASAP. I don't need a phone call or full explanation. Just a little text would be enough untill we has time to talk about it more. It is about building trust again. What if I had heard through the grapevine about this before she told me? How would I have reacted then? I also want to know immediately in case it is the OM that try's to contact her. If she is used to and knows that she can tell me stuff right away and that this is what I want then hopefully she won't hesitate. If she delays in telling me if the OM contact like she did with this then it becomes a really big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Give your fella what he wants. It's pretty simple.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> I think it is okay to wait for an appropriate time. But tell him why you waited, and tell everything. Include what you felt at the time of the happening. Simply put: be just open - opposite to hiding. This will help faster trust rebuilding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not agree. It always looks like you had a hard time deciding if you were going to inform the betrayed about it. I wanted to know yesterday when anything occurred related to the OW. If that is what your H wants then that is what you need to do. He is in the drivers seat about what he needs in order to trust you fully. In our case, my H's AP came to his office one morning; he called me about it because it had happened a number of times before, and I said that I wanted to be informed . I went in to meet him and we talked about what he should do if she showed up uninvited again. I said he had not made it perfectly clear that he did not want to see her( too polite ) or she would not keep popping up. We planned how he would handel it if it happened again. It did happen again; about 3 hours later, and he was prepared for her because of our talk. She left his office in tears, but no longer in doubt about how he felt about her visits. I felt good about it because I was allowed to take some control over my own life by assisting to get her out or our hair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Guys you both went through some bad crap and as long as you work together on it, then it will pay out. Its been 2 years for us and as we balance it all out we both know what each of us is capable of and what we need to do to work it out.

Even though trust is fragile, we all need to have the faith that there is a commitment to work out our marriages. No matter if it took a day to find out some POS was hitting on your chick. She passed in my book!


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

And so the story continues....
Yesterday the guy who had come to my office and asked me for lunch last wk now called me. He asked if I was hungry and if I wanted "to let him buy me lunch". I immediately said, Uhm NO. Then changed the subject and asked if he had decided on which seed he was going to buy for his farm. He said not quite and that he would like to chat some more about it that afternoon. I just said ok, have a good day and got off the phone. I instantly texted dinger and said for him to call me asap. He called within a couple minutes and I explained the entire situation to him. He asked for the guys phone number and would like to call him. I gave him the number and a few minutes later dinger called me back. 
He said that he had called the guy, introduced himself and said he did not appreciate him asking his wife out for lunch when I had been quite clear that I was married and not interested in anything with him. The guy insisted that it was strictly business related and apologized if he had upset anyone. I felt much better after dinger called and told me this as I was confident that wud be the end of it all.
No luck...I returned from lunch about 1/2hr late and asked my co-workers if he had stopped by. No he hadnt. I was in my office on a call, just finishing a conversation (with my dad about this guy's nerve asking me out again) when he walked in. I grabbed my blackberry, said excuse me and bolted to the upstairs of our office. From up there I texted dinger to tell what was happening, called my dad back and said, WTF do I do??? I called downstairs to my co-worker and asked him to deal with him. Guy told him he would wait for me. I msg'd my admin and asked her to call the phone and page me to a holding call so he would leave if I was busy. I was in a total fluster cuz I had no idea what msg was not coming across to him. I even took a moment to text my competition in the business the guys number and told him to call him cuz I couldnt help him. Competition was happy I would refer a guy to him. 
After about 15min or so he left. I came down from upstairs and he had left me a note with his card to email him the info about the seed, chem, fert. I asked dinger and my boss what they thought I should do and both suggested I just forward the info to my coworker with an email telling him to contact him asap. 
I did this and then my phone rang, it was the guy again. I did not answer it, sent it straight to voicemail. He left me a big long msg apologizing for making me uncomfortable and that it was not his intention for anything other than strictly business. He said that the competition had called him but he would still like to do business with me so he would wait for me to return his call. I sent a text saying that I had forwarded his info to my co-worker and he would be in touch within the day. 
So now hopefully the guy gets the msg cuz I am not sure what else I can do. The most frustrating part to me is that I cannot believe that someone would be so ballsy to ask a married woman out, not once but Twice! But on the flipside I guess I carry the badge of a cheater and there will be guys that still think they will have that chance. 
I am glad I told Dinger right away and I am very happy that he called him immediately to set it straight that we were very much still married and he didnt appreciate what this guy was doing. I know it takes time but I really feel like we took a bigger step together to start making our marriage have some trust again.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You may have to look this guy in the eye and set him straight in absolutely no uncertain terms - *in front of another person.* Along the lines of, "Look asshat - I told you I was married and I've asked you to leave me the fvck alone. You're welcome to do business with my coworker, frankly I don't give a rats ass, but take a damn clue and get the fvck out of my life." Or something equally less ambiguous. 

Damn near every guy in the world will turn tail with a dressing down like that in front of witnesses.

If that doesn't work, Dinger may have to explain it to him in person. 

This guy's unbelievable....

edit to add: Good job btw...


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> So I think for the most part our R has been going fairly smoothly. I am doing everything I possible can to re-assure my BS that I want to be here, I chose to be here, I never want to be with anyone else and I am sorry beyond words for all the hurt I have caused him & our family. There is of course bumps and tough times. Tough questions, tough answers, tough emotions and days but there is also some times when I feel like we really will get through this and grow to a new couple. But here is my question:
> It is almost as though my brain does not process things properly as to understand how the choices I make will affect him and us. I say this because when something happens, a trigger or event, I automatically go into battle mode. My heart and brain got back and forth, back and forth on "do I tell him", "If i dont tell him, what if he finds out, is it something that will upset him", "Is it even worth telling him cuz maybe it is minor and he really doesnt care to know these things", "how do I bring it up or tell him so I upset him the least" and "Im scared to tell him because I see the hurt in him about stuff and it kills my heart everytime" "When I tell him, how will it affect the rest of our evening or day". I always push through this battle and tell him because I am being 100% honest & need him to know I am in this all the way. I cannot lose my husband, I love him and I know what I have done and will live with the guilt forever but I am determined to never hurt him like this again and if it hurts me to do that then so be it. I deserve the world of hurt.
> So yesterday, this is what happened. In the morning when I stopped at a gas station to grab a coffee on the way to work a guy in the parking lot stopped to ask me if I sell seed (I work in agriculture). I sure do I told him, what are you looking for? I realized I thought I knew him so I gave him my card and he introduced himself. I DO know him, I havent seen him in prob 15yrs but we had a little laugh how time has passed. We went on our way, me saying call the office and we can discuss his seed options.
> A few hours later I was up town washing my company vehicle and was on the phone with my H when I got a call waiting beep. I thought the # was that of our daughters school so I quickly took the call. It was this man from that morning asking to see me about the seed. I said I would stop by his office or he could come over to mine. My H called back immediately, concerned that maybe something bad had happened that the school called but I explained it was this man I ran into that I knew and hadnt seen in so long. The # was 1 digit off from the school. No worries, we went about our day.
> ...


It's more than "awakward", it's inappropriate. As soon as he asked about your marriage, it crossed the line. You should have opened up the door, told him I will not discuss my personal life with you.

As a former WS, I also had trouble with the boundaries. Once you start doing it though, it gets easier. don't even engage with these people, they're idiots, and have no respect for people, they don't even deserve your business.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Since we betrayed our partners, much of what we used to do that was the "norm" is no longer acceptable to them because of our actions. I struggled with this as well. Easiest thing, call him as soon as something like this happens, he wants you too. If he says he's busy, tell him it's reallly important. Then let HIM decide when he can talk about it.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think you handled the second situation well, if he's then harassing you let your husband deal with it. i'm pretty sure he'll back off.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

You and dinger took a stand TOGETHER! :smthumbup:

the guy is a total tool, he won’t stop just yet, ...bet he thinks you are now intimidated by him and it stroked his predator instincts, he will try to fish again...if he does, basically tell him to EFEE OFF!

Just maybe he needs a straight up talking to in person from dinger???


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

There aren't too many things in this world that P*SS me off more than relentless pursuers who don't listen. Add that to the fact Ally is married and he knows it, it's worse. Grrrrrrrr...

Ally, did you cheat emotionally or physically? If physical, then this could be a problem - this idiot might think he can "turn" you since you've done it before. What a slimeball.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I did have a PA. It was E for 10 months with 1 nite we had sex 3months in and a couple of short visits of "making out". So yes, I am assuming this creep is after one thing but I am really trying hard to give off the msg that I am setting up boundries and hedges where I maybe never considered they should be before I realized what I was turning into. If that makes any sense. I am much more conscious of what or how I say things to guys. Im relearning.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> There aren't too many things in this world that P*SS me off more than relentless pursuers who don't listen. Add that to the fact Ally is married and he knows it, it's worse. Grrrrrrrr...
> 
> this idiot might think he can "turn" you since you've done it before. What a slimeball.


Oh man, this reminds me of this absolute skeez I used to go to University with. He was so sly and knew the right things to say. Women just ate it up, alot of them in relationships.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I did have a PA. It was E for 10 months with 1 nite of sex 3months in and a couple of short visits of "making out". So yes, I am assuming this creep is after one thing but I am really trying hard to give off the msg that I am setting up boundries and hedges where I maybe never considered they should be before I realized what I was turning into. If that makes any sense. I am much more conscious of what or how I say things to guys. Im relearning.


It is good to see that you are putting correct boundaries. By being open and transparent with your spouse will serve as the proof of your commitment in rebuilding trust.

Did it not prick your conscience when you had the affair? How was your mind then and now?


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> It is good to see that you are putting correct boundaries. By being open and transparent with your spouse will serve as the proof of your commitment in rebuilding trust.
> 
> Did it not prick your conscience when you had the affair? How was your mind then and now?


It did sit wrong with me at the time but I also had been in a very disfunctional marriage for 4yrs so I think it just made it easier to completely cross the line. My mind then was so caught up in the moment & all the good feelings and re-enforcement. It really was like a drug to me, I would be doing really well & then something would trigger me again to the OM and the rush wud let me disconnect from my home life. Now I look back at it and I regret every moment of time I wasted on the OM but I also feel like some part of it all had to happen (only the first tiny step) just so my H and I could see what we were doing wrong from day one of our relationship. I wish I could take it all back everyday. It physically makes me sick when I think about how I justified the lies and faking who I was everyday to one person or another. 
So now my commitment is to try heal what I have hurt, make myself a better strong wife and mother and spend everyday showing my husband & family how much I realize it was all so wrong. I have tough days, I wont lie, some are really hard but I push through them seeing what I have is really what I want and need.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

When you say tough days, what do you mean? Is it the guilt? Or do you still feel the drug sometimes?

An attractive woman who let her boundaries down is going to be a huge target for men. I'm glad you are aware of this. I've always practiced a nip-it-in-the-bud mentality and as a result I've probably come across as unfriendly to some women I've run across. But I don't care. I'd rather have that then open myself up for something I'll regret. That's probably the approach you'll have to take.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Oh man, this reminds me of this absolute skeez I used to go to University with. He was so sly and knew the right things to say. Women just ate it up, alot of them in relationships.


You know of course that this behavior is not limited to men. My H's AP was like this and would not take nyet( Russian predator type) for an answer. She chased him till he stopped running. What he did not do was tell her to F-off, or tell me what was going on. He is middle aged and was very flattered. A strong stand, and if necessary a rude one, is required with predators like this. It causes so much pain to the BS, and these slime balls tend to get off Scott free to resume their sneaky sh** with a new conquest and another victimized spouse and family. God I wish it was common to be able to sue their asses off for the harm they do.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> When you say tough days, what do you mean? Is it the guilt? Or do you still feel the drug sometimes?
> 
> An attractive woman who let her boundaries down is going to be a huge target for men. I'm glad you are aware of this. I've always practiced a nip-it-in-the-bud mentality and as a result I've probably come across as unfriendly to some women I've run across. But I don't care. I'd rather have that then open myself up for something I'll regret. That's probably the approach you'll have to take.


Yes by tough days I mean guilt for the most part. I see how much hurt I have caused in my H eyes, I think about what all went on and think I dont deserve the unconditional love of my kids cuz I was NOT a good person for a long time, I think about what would have happened if I hadnt realized what I was losing and had given in to the OM's pleading and anger at me breaking it off. I am always aware of who is around me and every word I say so it can not be taken the wrong way, but allot of what I never saw as crossing the line is all around me. Simple jokes implying. OR even the fact that I still work for the same company as the OM, his wife and his father so I have to work around NOT doing an business through that location. It complicates simple things sometimes but I know it is a must. The tough days are when I am exhausted, work is stressing me and I am unsure if I go on a big rant or download to my H, will he get upset with me for being negative. I guess it is a long process of learning for all of us and like i said, I push thru those and concentrate on love.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Allybabe,

Good for you. You did the right thing.

That dude is dbag.

Enough said. 

Hm64


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> I am glad I told Dinger right away and I am very happy that he called him immediately to set it straight that we were very much still married and he didnt appreciate what this guy was doing. I know it takes time but I really feel like we took a bigger step together to start making our marriage have some trust again.


Good on you! Way to go! :smthumbup:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I second the thought that if dinger has said he needs to know immediately, then that is what he's entitled to get - full stop, no debate. Communicate, it's still the key. 

Maybe you can agree that he gets informed immediately if there's an "event" that occurs that he deserves to be informed about -- and your affirmation that it is under control... and further discussed in detail at HIS discretion. If it can wait till tonight or later when more appropriate, unless perhaps it warrants some immediate discussion.

Remember it is less about any 'event' or interaction than the lingering doubts that come from withholding ANYthing... that in itself is a much harsher trigger than 'some guy asked you out (which as dinger says, is going to happen). It's the hiding, potentialy hiding, or perception of hiding that creeps in the doubts.

I also am guessing that, although a slimeball predator, once dinger called him, he just might have come around once more to apologize since he was obviously exposed.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I also feel like some part of it all had to happen (only the first tiny step) just so my H and I could see what we were doing wrong from day one of our relationship.


GREAT! 

I guess an affair is the antidote to a failing marriage.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> GREAT!
> 
> I guess an affair is the antidote to a failing marriage.


Really???? In everything I wrote, that is what you got?? 
I'm sorry if you missed every other thing I said about how much I see that it was all an Aweful mistake I made & will be dealing with trying to help make my marriage better for the rest of our lives. I truely regret every moment I stole from my husband & family to be wasted on a selfish decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> GREAT!
> 
> I guess an affair is the antidote to a failing marriage.


your screen name definitely suits you


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> your screen name definitely suits you


 He knows it.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

The great thing about you Allybabe is that you learned from your mistake and are taking active steps to rectify and heal your marriage.

My ex had the curse of beauty like you, except unlike you she took the opposite path and is now jumping from one failed marriage to another because of her inability to keep her pants on.


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