# How can I save this marriage?



## adrianlancer (Jul 4, 2007)

Hello, my name is Adrian and let me begin by saying that I love my wife R and will do anything to make it "work". 

We have been married for only five months; and we first met only a couple of months before that. My wife and I are both well-educated, middle-class; I'm 29 and she's 27.

We have a baby on the way and right now, I'm sitting all alone in our apartment, while she is staying with her mother after our latest fight. So how did I get here?

When we first started dating, R was a wild one. With more male friends than I have, she was the socializing, out-doorsy, aggressive and confident type. I on the other hand, am relatively a lot more introverted, although equally sensitive and aggressive.

We fell in love soon after we first met. Trouble started when I couldn't adjust to her relatively carefree lifestyle. I am the jealous type and was especially bothered to no end by one particular ex-boyfriend-and-friend whom she kept in contact with despite knowing that it was hurting me.

Eventually, she did come around, wisely saw that our relationship was worth more than just some friend and also started working on 'toning down' her personality, so to speak, in order to adjust with the shy, quiet, geek that is me. We thought we could meet eachother half way, for after all, we loved each other.

May be we were too optimistic. To be over-generous to myself, we have both so far failed to meet eachother half way. She has had to do a lot of work to adjust with me and yet, I haven't so far managed to truely 'move on' from unpleasant incidents such as the ex-boyfriend that we had prior to marriage. Since she has been genuinely putting a lot of effort to make this work, she naturally feels unappreciated at the slightest mention of her past by me, which of course, I slip in when because I haven't truely moved on yet and hurtful past memories creep up.

In your opinion, is this marriage worth saving? Are we too different to coexist even though we love each other? How can I save this?


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

It is unrealistic to marry someone, knowing their personality, and then insist all that change! 

Something you are going to have to do is think about who you fell in love with. Did you enter into the marriage hoping to "tame her"? What were your goals? What sort of life had you envisioned together?

I suggest you both do something that is very difficult inlight of the romantic notions surrounding marriage. If you were having this issue in the board room or with a co-worker, how would you approach it? In other words, it might help to approach your differences on a contractual level instead of a romantic level, because your fighting doesn't solve anything.

When marriages have this huge difference in personalities, it is sometimes best to approach your problems in a business like manner to avoid destroying each other on a personal level!


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## Marlon248 (Jul 10, 2007)

*Similar issue*

Good Morning. I am new to Talk about marriage and i have a issue that i need serious help on ( in my opinion)
this topic is similar to the one above so i posted under his topic 
and also similar to the above post, i love my wife with all my heart (not above god of course) and i am willing to do what it takes to make her happy.


and i have for the past month been wrestling with a similar issue as the person above. My wife and i have been married for 4 years (going on 5 this October). as of a month ago, my wife got back in touch with her male friend (who she has known for 12 years, and briefly dated). They hve been talking on a regular basis since. On the flip side (i discovered that i have been neglecting to spend time with her and in the process, i felt that she was about to have an affair or already had one)
I have asked her if there was anything going on between the two and she stated no. I apoligzed for my behavior and i am trying to at least once a week show my love and appreciation for her (flowers, card etc). My wife is very social and i am more of an Introvert but i am improving.

My problem is that i cannot shake the feeling that she may be cheating or plan to cheat. I don't have any proof otherwise but it still knaws at me. i don't want to keep asking becasue i may push her into an affair, I also do not want to overdo my affection and smother her either. when we talked, all she asked to be happy was that we spend more time together and that she spend time with her friends ( female and male)

My quesiton was partially answered in the above advce you gave earlier, but i have some quesitons.....

Should i be concerned that she has a male friend that she talks to and shares information about our marriage and his problems with his girlfriend?

Part of me feels that i may have already lost her, should i be feeling this way? and do you think it is too late to recover?

Should i seek professional counseling for my issues of trust and fear or betrayal?

Thanks 
Marlon

P.S. if you need more infor or details, let me know 
Thanks


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Nobody can really know what your wife's intentions are, but I can say for sure that your jealousy will become a major turn-off to her. Our 'gut' feelings normally tell us the truth, but only if our minds are clear~and seemingly yours is not right now due to your insecurity and jealousy. I think professional counseling is great (i've had it), but do it because it will make you a better person, not because you think you can 'fix' your wife's behavior. Sorry I couldn't be of much help with this one.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Nobody can really know what your wife's intentions are, but I can say for sure that your jealousy will become a major turn-off to her. Our 'gut' feelings normally tell us the truth, but only if our minds are clear~and seemingly yours is not right now due to your insecurity and jealousy. I think professional counseling is great (i've had it), but do it because it will make you a better person, not because you think you can 'fix' your wife's behavior. Sorry I couldn't be of much help with this one.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Hello. I've just got to say that you knew who R was before you got married, and something (i'm certain that her personality was a major part of it) attracted you to her, anyway. Now that she's married to you, you want to change her. That's not fair. Basically you are saying that when you asked her to marry you, it's not her that you wanted but someone entirely different. Frankly, perhaps you should have married someone more to your standards. Does that sound harsh? Good. It should. This woman is at her mom's house because she can't be herself in her own home. It's not her fault that you are introverted. She's going to resent you-is that what you want? Does her "I do" not mean anything to you? "I do" doesn't mean that she has to change who she is as long as she loves you, is faithful, is there for you, etc. By you trying to change her, you are basically saying that you don't like who she is and that you don't respect her.
Now that i've basically stepped all over you, let me reach down my hand and pick you back up. What you are doing is very normal. A lot of times when we love someone, we are protective over the relationship. When our partner has interests outside of the marriage and we don't, we may feel insecure because our partner is seeking something from others instead of from us. But that's when trust comes into play. And also respect. Respect the woman that you married, don't try to change her into someone else. And trust that she loves you the same way. If you can't do that, you will push her away.


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## Marlon248 (Jul 10, 2007)

*Thanks*

Thanks for the advice.... I do not know why all of a sudden i am jealoous and insecure of my wife's male friend. I was fine up until last month
I will definately consider and look for professional counseling either from my church or eslewhere 

Thanks a Bunch


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

The best part of counseling is that you can be open and honest without the fear of rejection or being lied to. It gives you a chance to look inside of yourself. For all you know, this could have stemmed from something in the past...or you may find that you're not being unreasonable. I found that it really helped me out a lot...and even though my relationship at the time ended up being something I didn't want to save (after a lot of insight on my situation), my current relationship with turned into marriage has been incredible because not only did I understand myself a lot better, but I also knew what to look for in a new person, and what to NOT accept from the start. Therefore, I didn't have to try to "make a man", I actually knew how to find one from the start....thus, not having to find the need to change him. It's beautiful! 
Good luck to you. I really hope things work out in your marriage, but if they don't, I hope you'll love yourself enough to make the right decision for you.
MrsLV.


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## Marlon248 (Jul 10, 2007)

*Same Issue Part II*

Thanks again. Here is a letter that i wrote to my wife and her friend

know we talked bout this yesterday when I came home that you will not leave me …. I just want to reiterate that I am sorry for feeling jealous and insecure about your friends. I do trust you implicitly and I trust Jay Implicitly. The problem I had was that sometimes I do not feel worthy of you. You are wonderful in many ways, You are beautiful, Intelligent, passionate, hardworking, and a social butterfly. You make friends very easy. Sometimes it can be almost overwhelming that you choose me as your husband, out of so many possible suitors. Sometimes I can’t believe my luck in meeting you and having you as my wife. But you are my wife and I want to make you the happiest person alive. I want you to have everything life has to offer. I am asking only one thing and that is patience and understanding as I grow personally. I am meeting new people and learning to be more social. Rome was not built in a day so my learning curve will take time and I will hit a few road bumps along the way (Such as this one). I ask for your patience because I and coming from a style where I am always suspicious ( my military training) of my surroundings. Approx 17+ years of military will have some effect on you. The way I was brought up was to always concentrate on getting ahead; I really did not spend time cultivating close friendships. Over time that began to change and after I met you, I realized the importance of having friends to keep you grounded and centered, also to get a fresh perspective on life. I am a work in process at the moment. Please allow me your patience and the time to change to become a better friend, companion, husband, lover, etc. Please understand that I will go through some growing pains and it will take a little time, for me to achieve my goal. My goal is to become more social, to get out and taste life. I do enjoy relaxing at home, but I realize that I will miss a lot of life by sitting at home. I pledge that I will taste more of live and resovle not to be a hermit. While I still will enjoy relaxing at home, I want to test and push the boundaries of my humanity, to meet people and get to know them that I may help then grow as they will help myself grow.



To Mr. Jonathan Range I also apologize for my behavior. Sometimes people do stupid things and I am no exception. Like I said above. Sometimes I feel unworthy of her because she is so wonderful and she completes me in so many respects, it is scary. I guess what I am trying to say is that I lost confidence In myself and my marriage and if I loose confidence In my marriage, Others will too. I regret that it took me over a month to figure this out and I hope that I can only try to repair the damage done and regain the trust of both of you. I am the one that needs to change, I need to come out of my shell more and I am committed to doing that 



Veronica: You are the love of my life, I love you, honor you and cherish you. You have touch my heart in a way no one has. You have broken past the stone façade and found a warm caring individual and you fell in love with that person





Mr. Jonathan Range: I consider you a close friend of mine. You are the first person outside my family to take a interest in me as a person. The guys at my unit were cool, but the majority of them you could not honestly talk to because they had serious issues going on (That is for a longer email). I hope you consider me your friend as well ( an imperfect friend but a friend anyway)



In conclusion… all I can say is that my confidence and trust in myself and my marriage have been renewed (through battle, prayer, reading, and research) and again I am sorry for putting you both through this. I can’t promise that I will not have future brain farts but I will try my best to minimize the hiccups along the way.





“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure. “

William Jennings Bryan: Confidence Quote
The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear. 

Unknown Author: Confidence Quote
The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

Marlon 

When i got home, she told me that her friend found it very insightful and he appreciate it and has been and will continue to be my friend. my wife states that she knew that already and that she was not planning on leaving me and that nothing ever happened. I still plan to get counseling to improve myself as a whole so that issues like this will be few and far between. I think things have started to improve and it will improve over time.

:smthumbup:


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