# Husband lied about his education - dealbreaker?



## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Hello from South Africa. Id really like opinions on this as it has been bugging me. When we were dating, my husband told me he had a degree in Psychology. It was only after we were married that I found out he didnt even finish his Matric (last year of high school for those elsewhere). We are in very bad shape financially and right now I feel as though the lie has become a deal breaker as I keep being promised "it will get better soon", or being told "stop being negative" if I need to share a concern or a fear, or having to just sit back and accept it when he says he is looking for delivery jobs. Is that seriously all he aspires to now? He refuses to work for a boss but I wonder if that refusal is an excuse because he knows his employment options are limited? I also feel sorry for him as every business idea he has come up with has failed to flourish. Resentment and pity. A bad combination. I would love to hear others input on how to handle this. We are very poor communicators on top of it all and given our general history I'm not very optimistic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have some questions....

How long did you date him before you married?
How long have you been married?

I would be very upset if I married a guy and then found out he lied about something this important. I'm sure the fact that he cannot seem to get and keep a job makes it far worse. 

Do you have a job? Are you now the main earning in your relationship?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

NicoleT said:


> Resentment and pity. A bad combination.


Yep. Sure is....it's a miserable way to live.
Personally, I think it's a deal breaker. And, please do it, get out before there are any kids.



NicoleT said:


> Is that seriously all he aspires to now?


You are contributing to his lower aspirations through your pity and your negativity toward him. I think he would be far better off without your negative influence.

Not even God can change the past. Your husband cannot go back in time and un-lie. ....

Your husband was not put into this world to meet your expectations. Allow him to set his own goals, do yourself a big favor...... TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your happiness .....yourself....



NicoleT said:


> given our general history I'm not very optimistic.


Please remember that you are HALF of that history. And, that you will be half of your marital future. And, that you will be ALL of your own future.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So he’s not working at all, is that correct? Or is he doing menial jobs and that’s what bothers you?

Sorry you were lied to, that’s a huge stain


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have some questions....
> 
> How long did you date him before you married?
> How long have you been married?
> ...


From her other thread, way back in 2013, they were then married for 7 years I think? And were going through rocky times financially (just like now?), she'd cheated on him, yada yada yada. Seems strange to think it took her 15 years to figure out that not only didn't he have a degree in psychology but hadn't finished high school. No kids back then, but that was 8 years ago.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

From her other thread said:


> a separation and another man 2 years ago


And, she's talking about "deal breaker" ??


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I have some questions....
> 
> How long did you date him before you married?
> How long have you been married?
> ...


Married for 15 years.. no children. We were together for two before we got married. I am working but its a commission only sector so income is not a set amount every month, having said that I am in the process of making a total career change. If I can just keep going until next year we should be fine. But still, its very disappointing to have to struggle so badly.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Casual Observer said:


> From her other thread, way back in 2013, they were then married for 7 years I think? And were going through rocky times financially (just like now?), she'd cheated on him, yada yada yada. Seems strange to think it took her 15 years to figure out that not only didn't he have a degree in psychology but hadn't finished high school. No kids back then, but that was 8 years ago.


It didnt take me fifteen years to figure it out. Its just become clear to me that his reluctance to work for a boss is maybe due to the fact that he cant. And it sucks because he really does try hard to get his own things off the ground


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

...but for some reason they just dont seem to flourish. Like I said, disappointment and pity is a bad combination. Having said that I came here asking opinions on how others might handle this. I didnt come on here to rehash events that happened almost a decade ago please explain what my affair might have to do with him lying about his education?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

NicoleT said:


> ...but for some reason they just dont seem to flourish. Like I said, disappointment and pity is a bad combination. Having said that I came here asking opinions on how others might handle this. I didnt come on here to rehash events that happened almost a decade ago please explain what my affair might have to do with him lying about his education?


😆 Ok, we won’t explain what your affair has to do with this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

NicoleT said:


> please explain what my affair might have to do with him lying about his education?


Nothing.. His lying was his choice, your lying was your choice. But his lies were certainly not worse than yours. You have a "beam" in your eye, but you only see the "mote" in your husband's eye.

Your affair could have quite a lot to do with why he is continually trying to perform above his level., and refusing to work for someone else. He may "blame" himself for it....... I'm rather certain you did. In fact, you still are.....

Your affair makes a clear statement ABOUT YOU. Your complaint about his pre-marital lie makes the same statement.



NicoleT said:


> I didnt come on here to rehash events that happened almost a decade ago


No, you came on here to rehash one event which happened far more than a decade ago. And, to imply that if you had known the truth about him, you wouldn't have married him, and that your



NicoleT said:


> disappointment


is because he lied to you. This is 100% balderdash. Your disappointment is being fueled by the same thing which fueled giving yourself permission to have an affair.

And, the statement you made years ago: "am tending bar to help make ends meet "......

Shows that you have a rather radical sense of entitlement which has, quite apparently, remained unchanged. It is not your job to "help" make ends meet, it is to,MAKE them meet. You are every bit as responsible to support him, as he is to support you. You are not a "helper", you are a do-er.

You are every bit as responsible as your husband for your family's success. Financial, sexual, spiritual.

You need to get up, leave your husband alone, and go to work. Then, if you are disappointed, you can only be disappointed in YOUR OWN failure. Let's see if you have the courage you want your husband to have.

This is my advice on how you should handle it.



NicoleT said:


> I am in the process of making a total career change.


Good for you. You have begun to implement my advice already.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

NicoleT said:


> Having said that I came here asking opinions on how others might handle this. I didnt come on here to rehash events that happened almost a decade ago


Okay, I don't think the original lie about education is anywhere near a dealbreaker. Not by a million miles, in my book. Is there current-day lying between you?

His "stop being negative" is a problem, a current problem. It indicates the two of you have fallen into a pattern where you try to point out what might be wrong with him, and he defends. 



NicoleT said:


> He refuses to work for a boss but I wonder if that refusal is an excuse because he knows his employment options are limited?


I'd recommend not trying to figure things like that out, his hidden motivations.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is similar to a man finding out that his wife had way more sexual partners than originally disclosed. A least a deal breaker like this, is more socially acceptable to complain about and get sympathy for leaving a relationship than for a man to leave for being lied to on sexual partner count. So even though you've been together for 15 years, since you have no kids, you can just dump him and get back out there and meet someone who meets your educational requirements without the anguish of breaking up a family.

Is there more that you're not disclosing? With you having betrayed your husband in the past, you're statistically more likely to commit adultery a second time than a loyal wife is to a 1st time. So, is there a new guy in the wings? Some new guy that's been catching your fancy or whispering sweet nothings into your ear?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If you are unhappy and resentful you can find "deal breakers" by the bucket full. Lied about his education, doesn't work, slurps his coffee, snorts when he laughs, loads the dishwasher wrong, etc., etc. 
You can latch onto any specific reason you want, the reality is your husband doesn't make you happy. It sounds like you have felt this way for years or you wouldn't have had an affair. 
Is his lying about his education a dealbreaker? Absolutely yes if you want it to be.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Cooper said:


> If you are unhappy and resentful you can find "deal breakers" by the bucket full. Lied about his education, doesn't work, slurps his coffee, snorts when he laughs, loads the dishwasher wrong, etc., etc.


He eats too fast, he eats too slow, he talks too much, he never says anything, his breathing annoys me.....


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

jsmart said:


> This is similar to a man finding out that his wife had way more sexual partners than originally disclosed. A least a deal breaker like this, is more socially acceptable to complain about and get sympathy for leaving a relationship than for a man to leave for being lied to on sexual partner count. So even though you've been together for 15 years, since you have no kids, you can just dump him and get back out there and meet someone who meets your educational requirements without the anguish of breaking up a family.
> 
> Is there more that you're not disclosing? With you having betrayed your husband in the past, you're statistically more likely to commit adultery a second time than a loyal wife is to a 1st time. So, is there a new guy in the wings? Some new guy that's been catching your fancy or whispering sweet nothings into your ear?


No. Ive become reborn and repented of my adultery. Another man is not an option.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Cooper said:


> If you are unhappy and resentful you can find "deal breakers" by the bucket full. Lied about his education, doesn't work, slurps his coffee, snorts when he laughs, loads the dishwasher wrong, etc., etc.
> You can latch onto any specific reason you want, the reality is your husband doesn't make you happy. It sounds like you have felt this way for years or you wouldn't have had an affair.
> Is his lying about his education a dealbreaker? Absolutely yes if you want it to be.


I suppose you are right.. I guess Im as responsible as he is wrt all of this. Thanks for the input.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

NicoleT said:


> Hello from South Africa. Id really like opinions on this as it has been bugging me. When we were dating, my husband told me he had a degree in Psychology. It was only after we were married that I found out he didnt even finish his Matric (last year of high school for those elsewhere). We are in very bad shape financially and right now I feel as though the lie has become a deal breaker as I keep being promised "it will get better soon", or being told "stop being negative" if I need to share a concern or a fear, or having to just sit back and accept it when he says he is looking for delivery jobs. Is that seriously all he aspires to now? He refuses to work for a boss but I wonder if that refusal is an excuse because he knows his employment options are limited? I also feel sorry for him as every business idea he has come up with has failed to flourish. Resentment and pity. A bad combination. I would love to hear others input on how to handle this. We are very poor communicators on top of it all and given our general history I'm not very optimistic.


Honesty is the foundation of every marriage. You need to ask the question of what else has he lied to you about? Once a liar always a liar.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Sounds like he’s the one who should be kicking you to the curb and you’re trying to find fault with him as a reason to justify cheating.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

NicoleT said:


> Ive become reborn and repented of my adultery.


You will absolutely treasure this life-decision as the best one you ever made. It was my "turning point", to be sure. After 38 years, every other decision I made absolutely pales in comparison. Many of mine were wrong decisions. Not this one.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

NicoleT said:


> Hello from South Africa. Id really like opinions on this as it has been bugging me. When we were dating, my husband told me he had a degree in Psychology. It was only after we were married that I found out he didnt even finish his Matric (last year of high school for those elsewhere). We are in very bad shape financially and right now I feel as though the lie has become a deal breaker as I keep being promised "it will get better soon", or being told "stop being negative" if I need to share a concern or a fear, or having to just sit back and accept it when he says he is looking for delivery jobs. Is that seriously all he aspires to now? He refuses to work for a boss but I wonder if that refusal is an excuse because he knows his employment options are limited? I also feel sorry for him as every business idea he has come up with has failed to flourish. Resentment and pity. A bad combination. I would love to hear others input on how to handle this. We are very poor communicators on top of it all and given our general history I'm not very optimistic.


I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation; my H also told a lot of stories to me pre-marriage, so I know what that's like. Personally, I feel like lying in general would be a dealbreaker, especially when it concerns a major life situation like this.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

not a big deal.. you are married. A team. Vowed to meet all challenges thrown at you. Support your husband. *Be a cheerleader* instead of a complainer because he's not meeting your standards at his moment as if they matter. Work with the guy not against him. Pick up the slack. Work harder. You should get a second job or even a third one if necessary. Quite frankly a degree in psychology wouldn't have made much of a difference. what do men want? they want someone who supports them during the ups and downs. Someone who will tell them the truth. Help them with encouragement. They want a cheerleader, not a prima donna who thinks she's a queen.

So easy to give up and find a beta with a little money. what do you think you're going to find. A high-value man making big bank, handsome, witty, alpha traits. All your troubles melted away. In your dreams. You ain't going to find that sister. You are using this small mistruth to support a decision of walking out. walking away is easy. The one often taken by the modern woman who thinks she 'deserves it all".


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

TJW said:


> You will absolutely treasure this life-decision as the best one you ever made. It was my "turning point", to be sure. After 38 years, every other decision I made absolutely pales in comparison. Many of mine were wrong decisions. Not this one.


Thank you. Its a relief to know that my Lord and Saviour has forgiven me, even if my husband never will. Its funny, I was very unhappy before my "affair" (needs ignored, minimal regular affection and connection except when seeking sex, typical blameshifting behavior of a narcissist, unwillingness to account for any responsibilty etc) and a mutual friend of ours told him I was unhappy and his response was to be devastated. I mean he was devastated for himself if that makes any sense, it didnt prompt him to make any adjustments because of my unhappiness. He has admitted that he knows he is cruel to me, yet still nothing changes. He asks ME to google ways HE can be a better husband, I find that hilarious.

My "affair only happened after he told me to **** off on our wedding anniversary because I bust him talking to a woman I knew had it in for his pants so its not like I brought another man into our bed because we werent together, I left the house, I moved out. I am not trying to justify my actions but I was trying to move on, I thought I had reached that point, I was trying to forget, call it an exit affair if you have to...) 

So everyone trying to roast me, Im sorry for your circumstances that have turned you against every perceived cheater in the universe but all circumstances are different. I hate the holier than thou attitude on here as much as I understand it. Its like being black. You have to hold on to the bitterness of being born black as though its some sort of shield against moving on and claiming responsibility for your future cos its easier to be a victim by holding on to your past. I have been just as traumatised by my husbands behavior towards me over the years which maybe impacted on my vulnerability to be seduced by someone else. He is equally responsible for where we are, WE did not look after this. And after a decade, a rebirth in Christ and still sitting in the same unhappy boat, I realise I should never have come back because HE WANTED IT, because all it has done is caused 10 years of wasted time. Being told "a leopard never changes its spots", why the eff are you still with me then. I am not a compulsive cheater. I literally do not look at, invite advances from, talk to, other men. Anyway, thats all for now.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

manowar said:


> not a big deal.. you are married. A team. Vowed to meet all challenges thrown at you. Support your husband. *Be a cheerleader* instead of a complainer because he's not meeting your standards at his moment as if they matter. Work with the guy not against him. Pick up the slack. Work harder. You should get a second job or even a third one if necessary. Quite frankly a degree in psychology wouldn't have made much of a difference. what do men want? they want someone who supports them during the ups and downs. Someone who will tell them the truth. Help them with encouragement. They want a cheerleader, not a prima donna who thinks she's a queen.
> 
> So easy to give up and find a beta with a little money. what do you think you're going to find. A high-value man making big bank, handsome, witty, alpha traits. All your troubles melted away. In your dreams. You ain't going to find that sister. You are using this small mistruth to support a decision of walking out. walking away is easy. The one often taken by the modern woman who thinks she 'deserves it all".


Second and third jobs dont work in South Africa. Conflict of interest and all that jazz.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

NicoleT said:


> Second and third jobs dont work in South Africa. Conflict of interest and all that jazz.





Ursula said:


> I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation; my H also told a lot of stories to me pre-marriage, so I know what that's like. Personally, I feel like lying in general would be a dealbreaker, especially when it concerns a major life situation like this.


I just find it funny that he has spent years calling me a liar when there is so much he hasnt disclosed to me which is only becoming obvious now.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

TJW said:


> Yep. Sure is....it's a miserable way to live.
> Personally, I think it's a deal breaker. And, please do it, get out before there are any kids.
> 
> 
> ...


Good one, thanks.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

is this a case of the TV series SUITS ? 
is he good at his job ,
is he pulling his weight 
some people with 5 years uni behind them I would not trust them with a dish washer or washing machine 

others with no education can run rings around others , there are some very good examples in the traveling community

a collage education dose not make a person a good husband:wife it does not make them a good worker , 
we take on people that have left collage and then we have to teach them to do the job we want them to do , 

collage is designed to make kids fit in box's


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If he had a PhD in Electrical and Computer Engineering, would you be pissed that he lied about it? What you should be pissed about is that he is not earning according to his ability. If he made a lot more money, I doubt you would care about the lie.


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