# Beginning stages of Manning Up...and I'm failing



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Ok fellow Dudes, I’m really pissed at myself and my weaknesses this morning. My wife was cheating on me, and wants a separation and eventually a divorce from me. For some unexplained reason I want her back really badly, despite all of my friends and family thinking she is a troubled person. I recognize the co-dependency side of me in this relationship, I really don’t have a history of co-dependency before this, but I’m joining a small group this weekend to see where that may lead.

But what really is in my goat this morning, is my lack of following through on the 180…forget about my wife…but why can’t I really follow this stuff? I know it works…because when I don’t do it I can feel her pull further away, and I’m so mad at myself for not sticking to it…just for my sake alone. I’ve blown any chances with getting her back, and that’s probably a very good thing for me personally. I’ve just read the No More Mr Nice Guy book, and now I’m rereading and taking lots of notes. Also picked up “Hold onto Your NUTs.”

Anyone else out there, have this experience of weakness when they started out? And if so how did you turn it around? I’d really like to hear that this is just a stage of weakness before my pair grown back to normal size (actually I want a large pair,) I’m sick of living like this.


----------



## Dadof3greatkids (Jul 23, 2012)

Justadude said:


> Ok fellow Dudes, I’m really pissed at myself and my weaknesses this morning. My wife was cheating on me, and wants a separation and eventually a divorce from me. For some unexplained reason I want her back really badly, despite all of my friends and family thinking she is a troubled person. I recognize the co-dependency side of me in this relationship, I really don’t have a history of co-dependency before this, but I’m joining a small group this weekend to see where that may lead.
> 
> But what really is in my goat this morning, is my lack of following through on the 180…forget about my wife…but why can’t I really follow this stuff? I know it works…because when I don’t do it I can feel her pull further away, and I’m so mad at myself for not sticking to it…just for my sake alone. I’ve blown any chances with getting her back, and that’s probably a very good thing for me personally. I’ve just read the No More Mr Nice Guy book, and now I’m rereading and taking lots of notes. Also picked up “Hold onto Your NUTs.”
> 
> Anyone else out there, have this experience of weakness when they started out? And if so how did you turn it around? I’d really like to hear that this is just a stage of weakness before my pair grown back to normal size (actually I want a large pair,) I’m sick of living like this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3greatkids (Jul 23, 2012)

Try reading Awareness by Tony De Mello. It may help you change your perspective. I have been where you are. You need to get to a place where you do things for you only and don't feed off of your perception of her possible reaction. Also go to the gym - Every day! The endorphine rush will help counter the depression, which is only a temporary feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

I have done the same thing Dude and very much the same kind of situation. I shouldnt want her back, yet find myself unable to think of anything else most of the time.. 

Thank God Football is coming back!! That should help!! lol

But I do the 180 and fail time and time again... She managed to text something that I feel I have to respond and defend myself from the crazy accusation because anyone innocent wouldnt stand by and let that be said of them, yet by responding I get sucked into the black hole of text wars... 


Its hard but you can do it. I have been able to lately and hope to be able to continue....


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Justadude said:


> Ok fellow Dudes, I’m really pissed at myself and my weaknesses this morning. My wife was cheating on me, and wants a separation and eventually a divorce from me. For some unexplained reason I want her back really badly, despite all of my friends and family thinking she is a troubled person. I recognize the co-dependency side of me in this relationship, I really don’t have a history of co-dependency before this, but I’m joining a small group this weekend to see where that may lead.
> 
> But what really is in my goat this morning, is my lack of following through on the 180…forget about my wife…but why can’t I really follow this stuff? I know it works…because when I don’t do it I can feel her pull further away, and I’m so mad at myself for not sticking to it…just for my sake alone. I’ve blown any chances with getting her back, and that’s probably a very good thing for me personally. I’ve just read the No More Mr Nice Guy book, and now I’m rereading and taking lots of notes. Also picked up “Hold onto Your NUTs.”
> 
> Anyone else out there, have this experience of weakness when they started out? And if so how did you turn it around? I’d really like to hear that this is just a stage of weakness before my pair grown back to normal size (actually I want a large pair,) I’m sick of living like this.


This likely goes back to your relationship with your mother - which is why individual counseling and support of other men are essential for a good outcome, as you break your codependence.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think it's natural to feel that way. Almost along the lines of the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. i.e. somehow staying in a relationship with her seems better than the possibility of being alone. 

When I look back on my split I wish I hadn't been such a wimp. I put up with a lot trying to 'fix' a relationship only one of us was committed to fixing. 

All I can suggest is try to stay strong. Once you figure out how to detach your life will get so much better. There are so many wonderful women out there and now you're that much smarter than you were the first time around.


----------



## warriorborn (Aug 15, 2012)

If you've care about her that much, it's only natural you'd still feel that pull to be with her. It'll take time to deal with walking away from the relationship. Make sure you have a safe outlet like another guy you trust, counselor, pastor, etc... It's gonna be important for you to explore your emotions as you attempt to move forward. It won't be easy, but keep pressing on.


----------



## Dadof3greatkids (Jul 23, 2012)

Re Texting. It is also my Achilles' heel and causes way too many problems for me. I am trying hard to use texting with my wife ONLY as a way to communicate information (usually coordinating stuff about the kids), not to communicate feelings. Never, under any circumstances, send texts to her about your relationship, how much you love her, etc., especially now when things between you are iffy. In my experience that never ends well, but that could just be my wife.

I also think the advice about being less accessible (especially via text) is a good thing, especially when you are "manning up." Best case scenario - she texts you, you ignore her for a couple of hours and respond to her after you go to the gym.

There I go again with advocating gym use. Every marriage counselor should hand the man in the first session a free 30 day pay to 24 Hour Fitness.


----------



## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Dadof3greatkids said:


> Re Texting. It is also my Achilles' heel and causes way too many problems for me. I am trying hard to use texting with my wife ONLY as a way to communicate information (usually coordinating stuff about the kids)


where and when to show up. ten words or less is a good rule.


----------



## donders (May 9, 2012)

Justadude said:


> But what really is in my goat this morning, is my lack of following through on the 180…
> 
> Anyone else out there, have this experience of weakness when they started out? And if so how did you turn it around? I’d really like to hear that this is just a stage of weakness before my pair grown back to normal size (actually I want a large pair,) I’m sick of living like this.


Read the thread by the member whose name starts with "orange". Do a member search.

He's having the same problem only he's probably in worse shape because he's justifying not being able to do the 180 and has convinced himself that going along with whatever his wife wants is a good thing for both of them.

At least you know you've got a problem and you're making things worse by waffling.

That's a big first step.


----------



## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

Justadude said:


> Ok fellow Dudes, I’m really pissed at myself and my weaknesses this morning. My wife was cheating on me, and wants a separation and eventually a divorce from me. For some unexplained reason I want her back really badly, despite all of my friends and family thinking she is a troubled person.  I recognize the co-dependency side of me in this relationship, I really don’t have a history of co-dependency before this, but I’m joining a small group this weekend to see where that may lead.
> 
> But what really is in my goat this morning, is my lack of following through on the 180…forget about my wife…but why can’t I really follow this stuff? I know it works…because when I don’t do it I can feel her pull further away, and I’m so mad at myself for not sticking to it…just for my sake alone. I’ve blown any chances with getting her back, and that’s probably a very good thing for me personally. I’ve just read the No More Mr Nice Guy book, and now I’m rereading and taking lots of notes. Also picked up “Hold onto Your NUTs.”
> 
> Anyone else out there, have this experience of weakness when they started out? And if so how did you turn it around? I’d really like to hear that this is just a stage of weakness before my pair grown back to normal size (actually I want a large pair,) I’m sick of living like this.


The first thing is to get to the bottom of your own personal barrel. It's only then that you can start to look up.

Only when you come to the realization that you are 50% responsible for the poor state of your marriage prior to your wife cheating (100% her fault) can you begin to recognize that you cannot “win her back.” You can only work on you and give yourself the best opportunity of being the man you want to be.

The book “Hold on to Your N.U.T.s” and attending Celebrate Recovery helped change me as a man and restore my marriage after my wife’s affair.

Hope this helps.


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Dadof3greatkids said:


> Re Texting. It is also my Achilles' heel and causes way too many problems for me. I am trying hard to use texting with my wife ONLY as a way to communicate information (usually coordinating stuff about the kids), not to communicate feelings. Never, under any circumstances, send texts to her about your relationship, how much you love her, etc., especially now when things between you are iffy. In my experience that never ends well, but that could just be my wife.


For the last few years, texting is the only way my wife would talk about any relationship stuff and even then it was always either crazy accusations or her just railing on me and blaming me for everything wrong in her life basically.. 


Its exhausting with no chance at resolving any issues or us connecting really...


----------



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Santa said:


> For the last few years, texting is the only way my wife would talk about any relationship stuff and even then it was always either crazy accusations or her just railing on me and blaming me for everything wrong in her life basically..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Justadude said:


> Ok fellow Dudes, I’m really pissed at myself and my weaknesses this morning. My wife was cheating on me, and wants a separation and eventually a divorce from me. For some unexplained reason I want her back really badly, despite all of my friends and family thinking she is a troubled person. I recognize the co-dependency side of me in this relationship, I really don’t have a history of co-dependency before this, but I’m joining a small group this weekend to see where that may lead.
> 
> But what really is in my goat this morning, is my lack of following through on the 180…forget about my wife…but why can’t I really follow this stuff? I know it works…because when I don’t do it I can feel her pull further away, and I’m so mad at myself for not sticking to it…just for my sake alone. I’ve blown any chances with getting her back, and that’s probably a very good thing for me personally. I’ve just read the No More Mr Nice Guy book, and now I’m rereading and taking lots of notes. Also picked up “Hold onto Your NUTs.”
> 
> Anyone else out there, have this experience of weakness when they started out? And if so how did you turn it around? I’d really like to hear that this is just a stage of weakness before my pair grown back to normal size (actually I want a large pair,) I’m sick of living like this.


Is it because deep down inside, you are afraid to go it alone, to leave her and start a new life? Fear of the unknown? Because of this, you fall back to talking to someone familiar, no matter how bad she is for you.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

> That was my life, everything wrong in her life was because of me...I was the total scapegoat. I'm really starting to realize that our marriage had indeed shackled her, because she is really a party girl at heart, and is seeking a thrill centered life. So I really was messing up her whole universe, with the whole family based life.


Don't buy in to that. It takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to cause it to fail. Yes there may be things you can take from this that you can work on for next time but you are not 100% responsible...nor is she. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out who should carry what percentage of the blame but in the end it doesn't matter. I know how difficult it is to do but really try to spend your energy on where you go from here rather than how you got here.


----------



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Don't buy in to that. It takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to cause it to fail. Yes there may be things you can take from this that you can work on for next time but you are not 100% responsible...nor is she. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out who should carry what percentage of the blame but in the end it doesn't matter. I know how difficult it is to do but really try to spend your energy on where you go from here rather than how you got here.


I totally agree, and I've spent considerable time thinking of what I did to contribute, and how could I have made things different/better. But I've come to the conclusion even if I was perfect it wouldn't have worked, because she was totally unwilling to work on her end, and her stuff...and her treatment of me was unacceptable. So I have work to do so that I can be better for myself and the next love of my life, I need to switch the switch from doing it for her, to doing it for me...so far I've been unsuccessful.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If you are really committed to the 180 then you need to learn impulse control. You need to know, recognise when the impulse to contact her risen via your emotions or your mind, may be by a trigger or something. When you feel that impulse tell yourself “This too shall pass” and let the impulse go. Just let it go saying “This too shall pass”. It will pass.

In the first three or four weeks you may get 20, 30 or 40 or more impulses a day, just keep saying that little phrase. And slowly but surely the quantity of impulses will start to drop. In essence what you are doing is breaking a habit and making new ones.

Being in love is sometimes a right bummer. You don’t want to lose her so you want to call her. If you are a codependent you may fear being alone, but only you will know that. We fear all sorts of things at the stage you are at. But you do get through and you do start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know if you know much about the ego and stuff. It’s your ego consciousness that is hurting you when you think of your loss, the future and things like that. The more hurt you are, the more wrapped up in your ego you are.

You can get away from your ego and therefore your pain for a while, have an ego holiday type of thing, by getting to know your observer consciousness. Read Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books. The time, situation has got to be right for this type of book, the pupils got to be ready sort of thing for it to have meaning. You will get, understand the meanings in the book and what you learn will help you throughout your life, not “just” this stage where through it’s pain your ego will grow such that you are ready for other life challenges as you go along.

“This too shall pass”. It really does.


----------



## Dadof3greatkids (Jul 23, 2012)

Santa said:


> For the last few years, texting is the only way my wife would talk about any relationship stuff and even then it was always either crazy accusations or her just railing on me and blaming me for everything wrong in her life basically..
> 
> 
> Its exhausting with no chance at resolving any issues or us connecting really...


Santa - just read your recent posts about your STBXW. It sounds like she is/was not worth the effort of texting and you gained nothing but heartache from texting. Keep working on yourself and move on. 

All these posts about unfaithful lying wives that use their kids to mess with their husbands' minds really helps me put my perceived troubles with my wife in perspective. Things are not perfect, but boy could they get a lot worse.


----------



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If you are really committed to the 180 then you need to learn impulse control. You need to know, recognise when the impulse to contact her risen via your emotions or your mind, may be by a trigger or something. When you feel that impulse tell yourself “This too shall pass” and let the impulse go. Just let it go saying “This too shall pass”. It will pass.
> 
> In the first three or four weeks you may get 20, 30 or 40 or more impulses a day, just keep saying that little phrase. And slowly but surely the quantity of impulses will start to drop. In essence what you are doing is breaking a habit and making new ones.
> 
> ...


Great point on the impulse control.


----------



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

The 180 is a course to head on not a way of living. Allow yourself to make mistakes. That's part of accepting yourself and learning to hold yourself responsible.



Justadude said:


> Also picked up “Hold onto Your NUTs.”


^ Great book. Wayne is a friend of mine!


----------

