# Having sex with children in home



## lone84 (Feb 18, 2015)

Hi all, first post here but am hoping for some input that would help us be more comfortable having sex in our home with our growing children. I have three daughters ages 9, 11, and 13 and my wife is becoming more reserved in having sex because she would be embarrassed if they walked in on us or listened outside our bedroom door. I feel like we have worked hard getting to this point in our sexual relationship that putting the brakes on is very disappointing. Although we both know we are capable of having some amazing sex, my wife is now favoring quickies so that it doesn't become too obvious. The frequency of our sex has dropped from about weekly to maybe twice a month which are (quickies.) I have communicated on a few occasions that we agree on a certain day that we can plan uninhibited intimacy and farm the kids out to friends and grandparents. For last years anniversary we had done a romantic getaway weekend and had an awesome time together but it then turned out to be several weeks after that until we had sex again which made the romantic weekend feel more like a one night stand. This has become VERY frustrating to me and hope you folks may have helpful thoughts and/or advice.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Not really adding much to the discussion, but wouldn't the title be more descriptive if it was titled "Having Sex *WHILE* Children Are In Home"?

Just sayin cuz I saw that and kinda went...umm...WTF?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Tell the kids to stay away from the bedroom when you have the door closed, or knock when the door is closed. There's no way around it. The older kids will know you two are having sex. We have 3 kids who are 17, 14 and 8. They have learned not to just walk in the room when the door is closed. Also, they have largely learned that when mom and dad close the door, stay away for awhile. Neither of us allow our kids to take away from our marriage.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> Can you two wait until the kids are asleep in bed before having sex?


That's what I was going to suggest. Don't you have a lock on the door? As for the noise (if there is any) we always had the TV or radio on. I had the same anxiety as your wife does and we did all of these. There was one time that my teenage daughter woke up and we were being intimate so the door was locked and she did come to our door and tried to turn it found it locked. The next morning she asked me why our door was locked and I just gave her a smile. She understood.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Lock the door. Play music as noise cover.

Beyond that I have nothing. My wife has allowed our kids to get in the way of intimacy for years. 

First our daughter got used to falling asleep on her lap and couldnt be put down for bed by herself till about 3.

Currently she has let our son who is 4 get in the habit of watching movie too late in our bed to fall asleep. Making moving him a pain in the a$$, and sometimes waking him up.

Think its just easy for some to use the kids instead of a headache or being tired.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

We've always tried leaving our bedroom door open unless we want any kind of private time, whether that's sex or just a movie we want to watch together. Sometimes you just need some time alone. We also will go in there to have conversations we don't want kids overhearing or interrupting. They are fairly well trained in leaving us in peace when our door is closed.

The kids know that if the door is shut they are not to knock unless there is an emergency. "He won't stop touching me" is not an emergency. 

We also leave music or the tv on fairly loud to mask noise because I worry somewhat about kids listening at the door. We've got four teens so we just have to deal with the fact that somebody is always around. Can't wait for seven years for them to all move out.


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## lone84 (Feb 18, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Not really adding much to the discussion, but wouldn't the title be more descriptive if it was titled "Having Sex *WHILE* Children Are In Home"?
> 
> Just sayin cuz I saw that and kinda went...umm...WTF?


LOL....I see that now. Was so caught up in driving my point home I didn't even think too much about the title.


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## lone84 (Feb 18, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Not really adding much to the discussion, but wouldn't the title be more descriptive if it was titled "Having Sex *WHILE* Children Are In Home"?
> 
> Just sayin cuz I saw that and kinda went...umm...WTF?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So what if they do suspect you're having sex? Do you really want them to think you two don't have sex, or that sex magically happens at the right place and time without any effort?

Lock the doors and teach the kids to respect the closed door. Play some music or turn on the TV.

I tell me kids "Dad and I were husband and wife before we became Mom and Dad. We need to keep being husband and wife a priority. So back away from the door girl!"


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Our daughter had a very bad habit of just barging in our bedroom without knocking and I'd often forget to lock the door.

She did it one night when we were making out pretty hot & heavy(Hadn't gotten to sex yet) and she stopped right in the doorway with a deer in the headlights look on her face.

I told her "If you keep barging in here without knocking one of these days you're going to witness something that will traumatize you for the rest of your life and cost thousands in therapy just to be able to cope with it."

Haven't had a problem since.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We are a blended family which just adds to the complications as I think it is a harder situation having your step kids know what is going on. Having said that we have 5 kids between us and we still manage to have daily sex.

Decreasing sex just because the kids are at home seems more like an excuse than anything else.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Brings back memories back, many moons ago, when I was in jr. high school. We guys use to talk about hearing our parents getting it on when they thought we were asleep.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Your wife needs to know that you can't just throw away your intimacy because there is a chance for embarrassment. Embarrassment and sex go hand in hand. Maybe they will walk in on you (this is preventable if you just lock your door, if you don't have a lock, buy one) and they probably will hear you at some point but trust me, they ain't listening at the door. No kid wants to hear that. Ever. Plus, the older ones are going to know that you guys have sex (probably the 9-year-old, too). They're going to be trying extra hard to stay the hell away if they suspect it. 

I understand the anxiety and I've been there myself. I have five kids (and two more coming, groan) who all inherited my habit of staying up until ridiculous hours of the morning. In the 19 years we have been with children, we've only been walked in on once, and it was surprisingly not a big deal. Our son was sick (aka wasted) and our 11-year-old daughter came in to tell us (aka blowing his cover). She just acted like we were a burden on her existence for a few hours, then she got over it. The world didn't end. She didn't hate us. We never forgot to lock the door again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Put a lock on your bedroom door.

Sometimes wait until the children are in asleep.

Play music.. have the speakers by the door and on any wall that is between your bedroom and the a child's room.

Or you could get sound proofing.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Lock the door everytime you need privacy .
close the door even if you are just taking a nap .

let them get used to the concept of the door is closed ; unless there is fire at home , don't disturb me ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Soon they will admire that you are having sex , when they see other kids with divorced parents ...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

this is not really about the kids and locks and such. It's about getting his wife comfortable and in a frame where she can let go. Simply telling the kids not to knock on the door will not acommplish that. Can you have sex when they are asleep? Can you have sex when they are not home?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Bedroom door locks always worked for me! Except for one time when some part of the lock broke off while being in the locked state, causing me to have to open up a bedroom window and then kick out the screen to exit the house through some jagged shrubery and go knock on the front door to have one of my boys come and let me back into the house! Got the tools from the garage and went and took the lock off!

But only after answering some rather tough questions from a curious 8 year old! *


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Personal said:


> *if you wait till they're in bed it will only get worse as the kids get older and stay up longer.*
> 
> We have sex quite often, usually most days of the week and sometimes everyday of the week.
> 
> ...


That's when you need to turn the tables and have sex in the morning, when no teenage kid in his or her right mind would be awake. Works for my wife and me.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

lone84 said:


> Hi all, first post here but am hoping for some input that would help us be more comfortable having sex in our home with our growing children. I have three daughters ages 9, 11, and 13 and my wife is becoming more reserved in having sex because she would be embarrassed if they walked in on us or listened outside our bedroom door. I feel like we have worked hard getting to this point in our sexual relationship that putting the brakes on is very disappointing. Although we both know we are capable of having some amazing sex, my wife is now favoring quickies so that it doesn't become too obvious. The frequency of our sex has dropped from about weekly to maybe twice a month which are (quickies.) I have communicated on a few occasions that we agree on a certain day that we can plan uninhibited intimacy and farm the kids out to friends and grandparents. For last years anniversary we had done a romantic getaway weekend and had an awesome time together but it then turned out to be several weeks after that until we had sex again which made the romantic weekend feel more like a one night stand. This has become VERY frustrating to me and hope you folks may have helpful thoughts and/or advice.


My wife was like this until the kids got older and harder to deal with.
Wait till they get to the ages of 14,16 and 18. They'll be such pain in the ass teenagers that your wife will be running to the bedroom just to get away from them. 
Now my wife just goes upstairs and locks the door with everyone in the house. At some point, everyone knows what's going on and you just can't hide it unless you live in a mansion and even then, they'll still know.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Two Words: Hotel Night

About once a quarter coordinate overnight playdates for each of the kids and then go on Hotwire to get a cheap local hotel for a little getaway. 

Provides time for an extended romp that fills in the gaps of a long series of silence-driven quickies.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lone84 said:


> I have three daughters ages 9, 11, and 13 and my wife is becoming more reserved in having sex because she would be embarrassed if they walked in on us or* listened outside our bedroom door.*


You know they're not going to do the bolded part, right?

Hell, even as a perverted male teen I had to put a pillow over my head when I heard my parents having sex. Yuck-o-rama.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Just do what we do - never have sex. Problem solved.

_Think its just easy for some to use the kids instead of a headache or being tired. _ My wife uses all three and is a master of all. "I have a massive headache", "I'm so tired", "kid 1 needs to lay in our bed". Kids napping? Head starts hurting. It's uncanny.


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## lone84 (Feb 18, 2015)

Thanks for the helpful info. We do lock the do lock the door but my wife is embarrassed that they will figure what we're doing when the door is locked. One thing that kills the enjoyment of sex for me is knowing my wife is doing it out of obligation. Although I know she will say she loves me, I am beginning to wonder how much she values our intimacy to be more concerned about what others think. As the frequency becomes longer, I feel so emotionally disconnected when an opportunity becomes available that it becomes extremely difficult breaking down the wall to get our feelings in sync again. A few times, I've thought about just telling the girls we are going to have sex so don't go near the bedroom but know this would be very upsetting to my wife.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

lone84 said:


> Thanks for the helpful info. We do lock the do lock the door but my wife is embarrassed that they will figure what we're doing when the door is locked. One thing that kills the enjoyment of sex for me is knowing my wife is doing it out of obligation. Although I know she will say she loves me, I am beginning to wonder how much she values our intimacy to be more concerned about what others think. As the frequency becomes longer, I feel so emotionally disconnected when an opportunity becomes available that it becomes extremely difficult breaking down the wall to get our feelings in sync again. A few times, I've thought about just telling the girls we are going to have sex so don't go near the bedroom but know this would be very upsetting to my wife.


*They're pretty saavy and knowledgeable kids ~ even moreso than we were as kids.

Lock that bedroom door and just have fun with your lovely wife!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lone84 said:


> Hi all, first post here but am hoping for some input that would help us be more comfortable having sex in our home with our growing children. I have three daughters ages 9, 11, and 13 and my wife is becoming more reserved in having sex because she would be embarrassed if they walked in on us or listened outside our bedroom door. I feel like we have worked hard getting to this point in our sexual relationship that putting the brakes on is very disappointing. Although we both know we are capable of having some amazing sex, my wife is now favoring quickies so that it doesn't become too obvious. The frequency of our sex has dropped from about weekly to maybe twice a month which are (quickies.) I have communicated on a few occasions that we agree on a certain day that we can plan uninhibited intimacy and farm the kids out to friends and grandparents. For last years anniversary we had done a romantic getaway weekend and had an awesome time together but it then turned out to be several weeks after that until we had sex again which made the romantic weekend feel more like a one night stand. This has become VERY frustrating to me and hope you folks may have helpful thoughts and/or advice.












As for them hearing, maybe put a hat or sock on the outer doorknob and tell them that it means that "Mommy/Daddy adult time" is going on...?

Or tear down all of the drywall and soundproof the room.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> That's when you need to turn the tables and have sex in the morning, when no teenage kid in his or her right mind would be awake. Works for my wife and me.


Lol, this is the one and only time one of the kids have walked in on us. Right during morning sex teenage daughter gets up early and walks in to get shampoo from our shower and walks out. Either she knew what was going on and totally ignored it or she was half asleep without her glasses on and didn't notice a darn thing. We've never discussed it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You still haven't answered the main question.
Why can't you have sex when they are asleep?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lone84 said:


> Thanks for the helpful info. We do lock the do lock the door but my wife is embarrassed that they will figure what we're doing when the door is locked. One thing that kills the enjoyment of sex for me is knowing my wife is doing it out of obligation. Although I know she will say she loves me, I am beginning to wonder how much she values our intimacy to be more concerned about what others think. As the frequency becomes longer, I feel so emotionally disconnected when an opportunity becomes available that it becomes extremely difficult breaking down the wall to get our feelings in sync again. A few times, I've thought about just telling the girls we are going to have sex so don't go near the bedroom but know this would be very upsetting to my wife.


I feel you, man. But I also get what the problem is. Although the advice in this thread is good, it doesn't help your wife wrap her mind around this. Sad to say, but my wife AND I have a similar mindset, though not quite as bad.

The trick, I believe, is being open and honest with your kids when they're younger. That sex isn't dirty and gross, and that it's a normal, natural thing that two people in love do.

Those folks who have kids AND a healthy sex life, have taught their kids this early on, thus there's no shame or embarrassment involved.

It also heavily depends on how we, the adults, were brought up. If sex was normal and not taboo in our households growing up, this should pass on to us as adults, too. This doesn't always happen, however.

When we become parents, things change. We tend to look at things differently. It just happens. Almost all of us have said, pre-children, that we're not going to be this way, or that, yet we totally end up being like "that". People are so focussed on being good parents that they often forget about themselves, never mind their partners. In other words, the kids become their entire lives, and everything they do (or don't do) is a result of having kids.

There's a healthy balance to be had, and too often, one (or both) parents lose sight of this all too quickly. They forget themselves for 15 or 20 years and focus solely on the child, or children. This impacts relationships, not just with their spouses, but with friends, as well. I have a great old friend who had his first child 2 years ago. I have not seen him without his kid since. He brings him everywhere, can't leave him even with his wife, or he won't go if his kid isn't invited. I kid you not, if his wife takes the kid somewhere, he won't leave the house. He has to be home when they get home, so that he knows daddy is always there for him.

I can't imagine what the home life is like..


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

When you and your wife are about to head to your bedroom for "adult time" make sure you take either a jar of Vaseline or a large tube of KY with you. As you walk upstairs make sure she sees you opening it and putting a large amount in the palm of your hand, she will be getting excited by now and wondering exactly what you have in mind.

Just when she has entered the bedroom as you close the door place your hand around the outside door handle and make sure it is thoroughly covered all around in KY or Vaseline.

The kids will never get in.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It seems to me, that this is handy excuse for her. She is comfortable with having less sex. Not saying that chance of embarrassment isn't there, but by itself it would not stop here, if she was all hot for you. She would put her head under the pillow and still do it. But she doen't have that need anymore.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

You need to rediscover what life used to feel like when in HS and college when you didn't have your own place and had to sneak around for intimacy. Wife and I had nasty basement sex today. Originally we tried to have some intimacy on the couch in the family room, which got interrupted by our youngest. Then we sneak down to the basement and started around my weight bench. So as to not risk discovery, we go behind our furnace and have sex standing up. You might think it wasn't worth it. But...the wife came hard. Very big O. The experience was really hot. She almost collapsed if I wouldn't have caught her from dropping! While some people think it's too bothersome to steal away from the kids, others will think back to times when we were younger and get excited over "hidden" or "forbidden" sex.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

What is wrong with you people?
Just lock the door and turn up the radio.
Seriously it's not that complicated!


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## Guitarman07 (Jun 21, 2014)

Sounds like an excuse to me as well. 

I do apologize for the long post. 

I have been married for 15 years, and been with my wife for 19 years. We have a 10 year old son.

Someone posted on here about attraction and orgasms. I can't help but think that this may be the issue here. You could be in the best shape of your life but if your wife's emotional needs aren't met she will withdraw from you - hence duty sex (to which will dwindle more and more through time.). And likewise, if your out of shape physically yet meeting your wife's emotional needs she may be physically turned off by you and looking for excuses. And if she's anything like my wife she will not tell you anything.

One year ago almost to the day our sex life was maybe once a week at best. Sometimes once a month. I was a bit out of shape (200 lbs, and 5 10") and definitely not meeting my wife's emotional needs. Our 9 year old at the time was having a hard time with his homework and my wife lost it and started screaming at him. I heard this and came running into the room and what I saw was a crying 9 year old boy looking at his mom in fear, all because he was confused. Wife in tears, son in tears...this was my make or break moment. She is an excellent mother but my lack of participation just caught up to her and she lost it. I calmed her down, calmed our son down and proceeded to help with the homework. 

I am a musician who works some fu%@ed up hours! Performing, Mixing, recording, band practice, teaching you name it. She never complains (she likes the lifestyle) but cmon, staying up till dawn working-on a daily basis-puts a wedge in any relationship. And, when your significant other has a 9-5, and the boy goes to school it's like a tsunami flooding a campfire.

The moment of the blowup I literally vowed to change my ways and did a total 180 on my lifestyle. Something snapped in me and knocked me into reality. How the hell could I let my wife bare all of the responsibility of our sons activities as she had been? I don't even know how that was ever acceptable! It's weird how dysfunctional routines can become entrenched in our phyche as normal! On top of helping out 50/50, I started working out again, got fit and am now at 180 lbs - where I was when we met in 1995. I've matched my working hours for the band and performing prep to coincide with the wife (and son) and hang out with the wife daily to talk and just be there like a husband should. Amazingly enough this helped out my already decent career, I thought it would hurt at first, but I'm filled with more energy and much happier and that transcends into more moolah heh heh.

Her attraction level to me is obvious since the change (although she swears my looking fit has nothing to do with it) as we are like horny rabbits doing it daily, sometimes twice or even three times. In the shower is great when the boy is distracted with tv. Downstairs is also hot, locking bedroom door...yup. We turn the fan on, in hindsight that sounds obvious! I also agree with a poster who said flirting and kissing during the day is extremely important! My son knows that the wife and I are into each other because anytime we run into each other one of us will show a sign of affection whether it be through physical touch (hugs/kisses/light smack on butt etc.) or verbal "hey there sexy", or "I love you babe" etc. Also, we have a little ritual of sexting each other throughout the day to add to when the "moment" arrives. This affection acts as a buildup and really enhances the action once we get together. 

All in all, I believe there could possibly be some disconnect that you may need to look into with your overall relationship. Are you being the best that you can be?

Again, sorry for this novella!


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## lone84 (Feb 18, 2015)

I think my wife and I both can agree sex is much more enjoyable for us earlier in the day or evening. By the time my wife makes it to bed, she is physically and emotionally drained and therefore any intimacy is usually a quickie out of obligation.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

lone84 said:


> I think my wife and I both can agree sex is much more enjoyable for us earlier in the day or evening. By the time my wife makes it to bed, she is physically and emotionally drained and therefore any intimacy is usually a quickie out of obligation.


You can set your alarm early in the morning to have some fun before the kids get up. Kids are still asleep, so you'll have your privacy.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The more kids know about sex the better choices they make about sex as they get older. So what if they know mom and dad are having sex? Although if that really bugs her, just say that parents need together time and you can use that with the door shut or just when you are discussing something and they interrupt. 

I know that I loved it when my dad would smack mom on the bottom. It was playful and loving and it made me happy knowing they still felt that way about each other. 

So if they know, that's great. How can they have good marriages if they don't think adults need together time which can be conversation OR sex? You are modeling a healthy marriage for them.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> The more kids know about sex the better choices they make about sex as they get older. So what if they know mom and dad are having sex? Although if that really bugs her, just say that parents need together time and you can use that with the door shut or just when you are discussing something and they interrupt.
> 
> I know that I loved it when my dad would smack mom on the bottom. It was playful and loving and it made me happy knowing they still felt that way about each other.
> 
> So if they know, that's great. How can they have good marriages if they don't think adults need together time which can be conversation OR sex? You are modeling a healthy marriage for them.


:iagree:

But by the teens they may not believe that mom was shouting "spank me, spank me!" because she knew she hadn't eaten all her Brussels Sprouts. 

On the other hand that may encourage them to eat their veggies, so benefits all round.


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## Busted Knuckle (Nov 6, 2013)

*Re: Having sex while children in home*

My wife and I had a somewhat similar issue as the OP , 
our counselor pulled it out of us - she was embarrassed at the thought the kids could hear us, so we TALKED to each other about how I felt and how SHE felt- (him)"the hotel night seems like a one night stand since haven't had sex since" (her) I'm sorry it just seem like we're so busy and I'm so tired when the kids finally go down to sleep..........no figure it out


She needs to know how you feel - somewhere deep down men have feelings too - you started the thread because of it. 
find out what you can do - not only to fix the lock on the door but to take away, reduce or eliminate the concerns or issue she has - she's wiped out @ the end of the day - why? just from her job or because she bares most of the chores and kid duties - step up mister, help with homework, clean up the dishes after dinner, walk the dog, whatever. Let her know you are a team working together and as mentioned earlier you were husband and wife b4 mom and dad - and husband and wife need husband and wife time. 

We started a weekly date night - just us no kids and the kids now expect it - (though we do change up the days now and then to shunt any "mom and dad are away so lets have a party") and a hotel night or weekend get away not quite quarterly but still enough to look forward to being away for a day or 2 


And now back to fixing one of her "concerns / issues" - the squeaky bed - I now can take a running leap onto our bed and it makes -0- noise non nadda zippo noise. it took a couple of hours some tape, padding, an old pillow ( between the headboard and wall) some thin foam rubber sealant stuff etc
mattress off the frame - taped up, snugged it, padded it, tightened it, and silenced it, added the box spring ensured it was quite , added the mattress and bingo bango silent bed. I've had several suggest I make a kit and sell it for others to do the same ............

and finally since I'm just one guy (married to the same woman for over 25 years) sharing my opinion - here's some back up - buy these 2 books - 1 for each of you , they are an easy read and filled with several insights - you and your spouse ASSUME of each other 

Amazon about $10 each or less

*For Men Only, Revised and Updated Edition: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women Hardcover* – March 19, 2013 by Shaunti Feldhahn	(Author), Jeff Feldhahn (Author) 
& 
*For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men Hardcover* – March 19, 2013 by Shaunti Feldhahn	(Author)

good luck!


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## jolyajones (Feb 25, 2015)

Anon pink you are right. you tell the children about the relation between husband and wife.


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

My wife and I have a code term for wanting to have " quality " time with one another during the weekends or when the children are awake. That code term is " I wanna TALK " 

We tell our little ones ( 7 and 3 yo's ) that mommy and daddy need to talk in privacy and we're left alone for awhile. Granted we wont leave the boys watching TV or playing in the living room by themselves for hours ( haaa as if I could last that long ?? ) but perhaps a quickie 15 to 30 minute romp ! 

Boys are often well behaved since they think we're talking about how bad they were ssshh !


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