# does she want this to work or not



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Hello, I am hoping someone can take a look at my situation as it seems that I have been looking at it too long, need a new fresh set of eyes to see what I am missing.

Okay, to me my wife seems like she has checked out of the marriage. It seems she is only with me because us together makes her life that much easier opposed to us being divorced. Though this is how I see it.

To make this a short story we been married 10 years this year and have two girls 5 and 9. My wife had cheated on me about 6-7 years ago we are done and over all that just filling in so you guys can follow. I also had a drinking problem, I stopped drinking for a year then started again. She had gotten mad and i stopped again but here and there I have drank but not gotten drunk like I once was.

She always tells me to just stop drinking and quit all my b.s. and things will be fine. She also says this for sex, stop the b.s. and we will do it more. I have stopped drinking and I had quit my b.s. but on her end nothing happens, I come through and hang on as long as i can but once she does not come through is when i go back to my old ways. 

It seems like she just puts me into loop mode and walks away thinking okay he's busy for few months now. Cause when it comes time for sex or us to talk about us all i get is excuses and the run around again.

the other week she found out i had a couple beers and has been mad since. Usually i cave in and run to her and beg for forgiveness and apologize till no tomorrow. Though this time i have not because I am tired of her not putting into us and her not supporting me by not drinking.

I almost feel as if I have the national debt to pay off before she will come around again. The thing is I will never be able to pay the debt off and she knows it so that is why i say I feel like I am here with her because it makes it easier for her. 

Now here is the dilema, I am very fed up right now but I do not want to end it with her. She tells me she wants this to work and get alot better but I feel like it is all on me to fix it all while she just sits there.

So for Valentine's day I know she is still mad at me because the other night i told her i love her and she told me she hates me, I tell her why you with me then and she does not answer. 

She acts like she does not hear me. But anyways, I got her nothing and she got me nothing. I tell her oh you did not get me a card and she says, no becuase you were not going to get me one. I said, well how do u know i was not going to get you a card? She says nothing to me. 

Besides her being mad at me for the beer last week, what would you guys make out of this so far? I mean the whole nothing for valentines day does that show me she does not want this to work? We were also going to go on vacation in august for our 10th year anniversary but when i asked the other day she said no were not going to go now... I am confused as to what to do now... I was thinking of doing the 180 for a while....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
Stop connecting your behavior to hers. Don't drink and don't talk to her about how her "cold" behavior makes you drink. 

Go to the gym or get some weights and start working out. 

Be nice to your kids and fun to be around. Do not be angry with your W just do your job as a husband and be fun to be around. Don't say "ILY" because right now you really don't. And don't discuss your bad "past" behavior with her. Just learn to say "that is in the past, I am not that guy". 

Give this 3 months. If she isn't coming around by then tell her you are going to separate. And then do it. At that point she may come to her senses or not. But at least she will know you have some baallss and will stand up for yourself. 

Stop drinking completely or she will never trust you.



tony8404 said:


> Hello, I am hoping someone can take a look at my situation as it seems that I have been looking at it too long, need a new fresh set of eyes to see what I am missing.
> 
> Okay, to me my wife seems like she has checked out of the marriage. It seems she is only with me because us together makes her life that much easier opposed to us being divorced. Though this is how I see it.
> 
> ...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I can understand what you are saying about how you feel like you're the only one trying and she's doing nothing; I feel that way about my boyfriend, too. The thing is, though, I've figured out that I can't stop trying just because I feel like he isn't. If I don't try, and he's not trying, how can we fix it? 

Now, granted, you can't fix it all by yourself. But when you stop making the necessary changes because you don't see her doing anything, that tells her you don't care. And why would she want to change anything then? If you continue making the changes, even if she does nothing, eventually she'll come around and she'll start putting in her effort. 

And if she doesn't, then you'll know you did everything you could before giving up. 

I will also say that I did once date a guy who drank too much. I finally ended things because he would say he'd stopped drinking, or that he would stop drinking, but he'd keep doing it anyway. I finally realized he couldn't stop, and I had to do what was best for me, and that wasn't being with him. If you keep drinking, and blaming her, she's eventually going to get fed up. It's not her fault you drink, it's your own.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Let me ask about valentine's day. What does it mean since we did not exchange cards or a gift or went out anywhere? The last ten years we have done something but this is the first time we did not and things were alot worse previous years between us then this year..... 

I had asked her after she told me she has this Saturday off if me and her were going to do something for v-day and she said NOOOO. I said why not? she said she doesnt want to talk about that v-day crap! Even though she is mad and told me she hates me cause she is mad at me might be part of the reason but i still do not think this looks good at all....

Even for Christmas, I got nothing, not a card nor a present not even a hug or a kiss let alone a merry christmas. You know what she got a brand new laptop, because her other one died. So i went all out on this laptop, I told her i got her a coat she opened it and i swear I would have gotten a better reaction if i had gotten her the coat. She bought herself one of those electronic book viewers for 50 with a gift card and she talked more about that thing then the laptop, though she has not touched that book viewer since the last week of December but uses the laptop everyday lol... 

Something just does not seem right and no I do not mean she is cheating. I just feel like everyone else knows the truth about me and her except I am the only one that does not know the truth but i feel like everyone is laughing at me. Sorta like dam how much more can this guy take or how much worse can she be to him before he gets the hint.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

1st - stop drinking. Drinking has ruined too many marriages. I know, its ruined mine because of my drinking. Your wife is more important than the bottle.

2nd - take care of her needs - This means asking her what are the things she really needs from you to make her feel loved; and really pay attention. Make it your priority to meet those needs daily.

3rd - after a few weeks of this hopefully you see her responding. Then you can tell her what a few of your most important needs are, and ask her to meet them if she can. If she agrees, you are making progress and on your way to a better marriage. 

Seems like its not too late to get your marriage back together. But you need to work on it NOW before its too late.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

troy said:


> 1st - stop drinking. Drinking has ruined too many marriages. I know, its ruined mine because of my drinking. Your wife is more important than the bottle.
> 
> 2nd - take care of her needs - This means asking her what are the things she really needs from you to make her feel loved; and really pay attention. Make it your priority to meet those needs daily.
> 
> ...


I agree with most of this, but I think you have to lay out your needs the same time you ask for hers.

the reason I say this is that there has to be some expectation up front of what you expect. if you get three weeks down the road after meeting/exceeding her expectations and she's doing nothing for you, you don't want to hear "Why didn't you tell me back then?"

I had this conversation with my wife. First thing is to acknowledge that you will never know who started it. Was it your drinking that led to her coldness or her coldness that led to your drinking. forget the past.

Tell her what you will do and tell her what you expect from her. lay it out on the table now so there are no misunderstandings.


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