# Alcoholic husband now gambling online - should I stay



## reserved1 (28 d ago)

Tricky one: I married my H 9 years ago knowing he was an alcoholic. I made him get a physical before we married. His doctor said everything was great but he should "CUT DOWN" on drinking. 

A few years later, after his doc died of liver failure, H had surgery and the doc took pics of his liver which he was under. He told me H had "beginning cirrhosis" and needed to cut back. He didn't. I can see he is having physical issues but I am not allowed near his medical records. I know he goes to the bar every day after work, but unlike a few years ago, he no longer gets sh!t faced drunk. 

A few weeks ago I found emails that he is online gambling. To the tune of $4k - $5k a month. I was stunned. We've been in a city apartment for 8 years because when we married, despite having a solid 6-figure income, he didn't have anything saved for a house. He is always nickling and diming everything. Now I know why. 

Our finances are 100% separate. I make a 6-figure income and have saved well. I am beyond irate at this discovery and trying to decide if I should stay or go. He is actually a wonderful, honest, moral person. He has a public job and I know he drinks for the stress. He said he will stop online gambling but I don't trust him after years of "I'm at work" when he was at the bar. This is a whole new level of devastation. 

I love him with all my heart and worry I will have to walk him through death if his liver takes a full dive. I also understand both the drinking and gambling are addictions. 

Has anyone been here? Advice? Looking around for houses as we speak.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

I'm curious how often have you spoke to him and the seriousness of leaving if he continues?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

reserved1 said:


> He has a public job and I know he drinks for the stress.


No, he doesn't drink for the "stress." He drinks because he's an alcoholic.

I married two alkies. Believe me, I know of what I speak.

I walked out on both marriages. There's only so much insanity one can handle. He will pull you down with him if you stay and enable.

So here's my advice based on spending 26 years in Al-Anon because I married two drunks: Leave. Love him and respect him enough to let him live with the consequences of HIS choices. It's tough love, but he'll either crash and burn, ultimately succumbing to his alcoholism, or he'll have a moment of clarity and drag himself to the nearest A.A. meeting and/or rehab facility.

Don't consider nursing him, bailing him out, or staying while he drags you under. YOUR life. YOUR choice. Seriously.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are not emotionally ready to leave. Instead take a baby step. Attend a local meeting of a group called Al-Anon. It's a support group for people who love addicts. It will help open your eyes & give you the support you need to make the best decision for yourself.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

reserved1 said:


> Tricky one: I married my H 9 years ago knowing he was an alcoholic. I made him get a physical before we married. His doctor said everything was great but he should "CUT DOWN" on drinking.
> 
> A few years later, after his doc died of liver failure, H had surgery and the doc took pics of his liver which he was under. He told me H had "beginning cirrhosis" and needed to cut back. He didn't. I can see he is having physical issues but I am not allowed near his medical records. I know he goes to the bar every day after work, but unlike a few years ago, he no longer gets sh!t faced drunk.
> 
> ...


No. Exit stage left. You can’t fix him


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to understand why you would marry an alcoholic, but now you know he is also wasting an awful lot of money gambling. That's more than some people have to live on each month. Plus he lies and deceives.
Is he aiming to get help for these things? Would that make a difference as to whether you stayed or left? Are you intending to have children?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hmm, $4-5k monthly? Ugh. That's a lot. 😒 You say that he's ''honest and moral,'' but...sounds like he lies to you when he's at the bar. He needs professional help, and I think with enough help and commitment to sticking with a program to get past these addictions, your marriage could be amazing. But addictions are tough. You can't heal him, so he really has to commit to changing this for himself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stay and he doesn’t get control of his addictions, you’ll be left picking up the pieces sooner or later. Even if he quits drinking and gambling, he will still have an addictive personality to battle with. It won’t be an easy life. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

He’s an addict, and has been for years. It’s simple he’s gets into rehab immediately or you leave. 

When your married or live together finances are never 100% separate, you share expense, you share the assets in the home, what happens when he gambles away the rent money? What happens when his liver fails and he can no longer work? What happens when he’s drunk and causes some type of accident?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

- as fast as you can


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

reserved1 said:


> I married my H 9 years ago knowing he was an alcoholic.


You walked into this with your eyes wide open. Did you think that slipping a ring onto his finger would change him? Was your reason for marrying him was to save him?



reserved1 said:


> He is actually a wonderful, honest, moral person.





reserved1 said:


> I love him with all my heart


And there you have it. This is what you get out of your marriage. So you have three choices. Stay and keep complaining; stay and stop complaining, knowing full well what is coming; or leave. That's it. The decision is yours.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Listen to @Prodigal and @D0nnivain


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

reserved1 said:


> He is actually a wonderful, honest, moral person.


No. No, he is not. He is an addict. Addicts lie, cheat, and steal to continue feeding their addiction. 



reserved1 said:


> I know he drinks for the stress.


No, he drinks because he is an addict.



reserved1 said:


> He said he will stop online gambling but I don't trust him after years of "I'm at work" when he was at the bar.


He will not stop because he is an addict.

Either accept you married an addict who drinks and gambles and lies to you or leave.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So he makes approx $9k a month and gambles 5-6? And drinks? That means after taxes he isn’t contributing money to your family life!
That is NOT a wonderful, loving husband!
That’s an irresponsible, lying husband who isn’t taking care of your future by being a good partner!

get out while you can. If he isn’t willing to change everything about his life then leave. Changing would also include him doing trauma counseling every single week to find out why he needs to get numb by drinking so much that it affects his health.
You can’t change this FOR him. That’s why you need to leave IF he isn’t self motivated to change this for his future.
He’s ruining your future! And he isn’t contributing to your daily needs! That isn’t a good husband. Stop kidding yourself.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

reserved1 said:


> He is actually a wonderful, honest, moral person


Your'e pretty deep in the fog if you're desrcribing him as a moral and honest person while he has continuously lied to you and hidden significant parts of his life from you. 

It might be wise to get some counselling for yourself so you can see this situation more clearly and realistically.


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## hosainmiah (3 d ago)

I understand how you must be feeling right now, discovering that your husband has been gambling online and lying about it. It must be heartbreaking to see the money that could have been saved for a house being thrown away on gambling. It's clear that your husband is dealing with some significant stress and has turned to both alcohol and gambling as coping mechanisms.
I can relate to this situation as I too have struggled with addiction in the past. I used to bet on ufazbet.com and it became a destructive cycle for me. I understand the allure of the rush and excitement that comes with gambling, but it's important to recognize when it becomes a problem and seek help.
It sounds like your husband has acknowledged his gambling problem and is willing to seek help, which is a positive step. However, it's understandable that you may not trust him after years of lies and secrecy. It may be helpful for both of you to seek individual therapy to address the underlying issues and to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship. It's also essential for your husband to seek support for his addiction, whether it's through a support group or a rehabilitation program.
Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay or go is a personal one that only you can make. It may be helpful to seek advice from a trusted friend or professional, such as a therapist, as you navigate this difficult situation.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

reserved1 said:


> Tricky one: I married my H 9 years ago knowing he was an alcoholic. I made him get a physical before we married. His doctor said everything was great but he should "CUT DOWN" on drinking.
> 
> Has anyone been here? Advice? Looking around for houses as we speak.


Please run. My first relationships were with alcoholic guy. I loved him so much like you. He saved my life. I spend 3 years. And things with his addition became even worse. You likely co-addicted. And have behavior patterns which make things even more worse. I not said, it's your fault. And not even his fault - I mean alcoholic additiction or your co-addiction.
But, fact that he cheated, make things even worse.
I could suggest to escape him and try, if you love him, to help him. And do never consider to return back until he did impressive work with his honestly and additction. Did he ever visited anonymous alcoholics? My first BF were. And at least it were a sign that he went out of it.

And, I'm sorry about that. I know what it is. I know this shame to clean up a room from beer bootles, because you expect visit from friends. I know how you probably helped him with his parents (probably they're no longer alive, but...) to lie, and pretend that he is OK. Or maybe even you helped him with work/his boss (I did this s*t, yeah). It doesn't work. It could never work. He should want to change at least.

When we broke up with my first BF, I stayed with him as friend. We still have our friendship. He were a senior sale manager - he sale medical equipment. And it were pretty common to drink there after a good contract. Right now he is computer helpdesk in bank, because in this work, despite much, much lower income, he could manage his addiction. After me he had one girl


Spoiler



who saw my own thread - this girl were biological girl


 and I helped him with advices. But for now he is alone again.
He also had bad problems with liver. But still alive, and much more healthy than that time. I've met with him in 2007.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's an addict across the board. If it wasn't alcohol it would be something else. Gambling is also an addiction and if it wasn't gambling it would be something else. I would not stay hitched to this wobbly wagon. Remember you can still be friends and stay in contact with him after you get away from him and get everything separate from him.
And it's also true that most addicts don't do anything about it until they hit rock bottom and they're not going to hit rock bottom as long as you're supporting taking care of them and enabling them.

The truth is he sounds pretty bad and probably won't ever get himself straightened out. You don't want to sit around and watch him throw himself under that train that is coming. No one has the strength for that or should sacrifice their own emotions for that.

Even though you've kept your money separate depending on the laws where you live you could still be liable for his debts because you're married to him. So you want a good attorney for this.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's an addict across the board. If it wasn't alcohol it would be something else. Gambling is also an addiction and if it wasn't gambling it would be something else. I would not stay hitched to this wobbly wagon. Remember you can still be friends and stay in contact with him after you get away from him and get everything separate from him.
> And it's also true that most addicts don't do anything about it until they hit rotten bottom and they're not going to hit rock bottom as long as you're supporting taking care of them and enabling them.
> 
> The truth is he sounds pretty bad and probably won't ever get himself straightened out. You don't want to sit around and watch him throw himself under that train that is coming. No one has the strength for that or should sacrifice their own emotions for that.
> ...


Agree with this opinion. Especially with advice to still be friends. I think, OP could tip him that he can changes and than they could restore relationships. To let him chance if he is not a bad person and OP still loves him.
But it's important to demand real changes to try again.


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