# Can't Move On



## JohnG (Apr 6, 2011)

It's been over a year since my wife left. The divorce is not yet final and I still have contact with her. There is no hope for reconciliation as I've tried. She's moved on with her life even though the affair that began all this ended almost immediately. She wants nothing to do with me or the marriage. 

I seem to do okay for awhile, focused on work, but I still can't seem to completely move on. I dwell on the past, on my mistakes, on the dream of her in my life. I know this is futile. I know I will never be able to move on until I come to terms with this new life. 

I work from home in the same apartment we shared. I've become a recluse. I seldom go out and when I do go spend time with friends it feels so pointless and meaningless and only serves to remind me my time with my wife.

I was in counseling for awhile but it stagnated. I felt I was no longer making any progress. Not to mention the cost.

My ex still hasn't found work and so I'm supporting her. She never asked for alimony and was never litigious with respect to money. I still love her and can't imagine her being put out on the street. So until she finishes school and can become more financially stable I send her money. This keep us in contact and it also keeps me from fully moving on.

We mostly email when we have to communicate. Even her curt five word emails make me feel good even though I know there's no chance of ever getting back together. 

The idea of never speaking to her again, never seeing her again tears me up inside. To this day I still break down at times. I sometimes can't bring myself to get off the couch. The idea of spending a life without her next to me seems a futile life indeed. One I can't bear to face. I often just wish I was dead to end all this sadness that never seems to go away.

I just feel helpless and hopeless.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Stop paying her to leave you.

Find a counselor that will challenge you rather than feeding your inner victim.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

JohnG said:


> It's been over a year since my wife left. The divorce is not yet final and I still have contact with her. There is no hope for reconciliation as I've tried. She's moved on with her life even though the affair that began all this ended almost immediately. *She wants nothing to do with me or the marriage. *
> I seem to do okay for awhile, focused on work, but I still can't seem to completely move on. I dwell on the past, on my mistakes, on the dream of her in my life. I know this is futile. I know I will never be able to move on until I come to terms with this new life.
> 
> I work from home in the same apartment we shared. I've become a recluse. I seldom go out and when I do go spend time with friends it feels so pointless and meaningless and only serves to remind me my time with my wife.
> ...


Seriously?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, John. I'm so sorry.

I agree that you should stop paying her. I think subconsciously you think that at some point she'll be grateful and will return to you.

She won't. She's gone.You need to take hold of your life and move on.

And trying out another counselor wouldn't hurt. You clearly need some guidance.

SHE IS GONE. If you have to write that on your mirror in lipstick, then do it. I know it hurts, but you cannot move on until you accept that.

I'm really sorry.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You should see a doctor. Get on some anti-depressants.

You should join a gym or just start exercising. The exercise will be good for you. Be selfish. Work on yourself. 

Sounds like your wife will not be coming back. You need to move on. Don't contact her. Make sure she knows what she is giving up.


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## JohnG (Apr 6, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I know that supporting her is totally ridiculous. It's seriously insane. I work my tail off and do nothing for myself because all my extra money goes to her. Maybe there is a subconscious part of me that thinks she'll be grateful and come back. But the logical side of me knows this isn't the case and even if she wanted to there would always be this between us which I doubt I could ever reconcile.

I've been considering returning to counseling. I was taking Prozac for awhile but it was causing really terrible acid reflux so I got off. Now I think the acid reflux is bearable compared to this depression which I've suffered with for 20 years and was probably the biggest cause of the marital failure. She just couldn't deal with it anymore I suppose. 

I just want to move on but such a huge part of me wants to dwell in the past. It's the horrible tug-of-war.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Start by taking hard decisions quickly. Stop any access she has to your funds, and stop giving her a penny from this moment on. Use that money to buy yourself new clothes, shoes, a better car, motorcycle, etc. Do things for yourself and yourself only.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, John, Prozac is not the only drug around...work with your doc to find one that is better for you.

You are halfway thru the battle -- you know that you need to take action. That's the hard part!

And for right now? Cut out the introspection. Cut it out. Maybe your depression caused the breakup, maybe it didn't, but you cannot afford to focus on that right now. You can focus on that next year, or the year after. Right now you are in survival mode, and it is All About John right now! Ok? ALL ABOUT JOHN.

Not about her, not about what you did wrong, but about getting thru the next day, and the next week, and the next month. There are some times in life when it's ok to be completely selfish, and you are in one of them.


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## JohnG (Apr 6, 2011)

When I first started going through this I never thought I would still be suffering like this over a year later. I thought I was making progress for awhile. But I'm still raw and scarred from all of this and can't seem to get back in the saddle as it were. Nothing in life just seems relevant or exciting or important anymore. 

Sorry to be so morose and maudlin. Just going through a super bad phase right now.

Thanks again for your replies. Your advice isn't going unnoticed and it really does help. So thank you.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

John I'm really sorry as i deeply feel your pain through everything you wrote. I know because its as if i wrote it myself. I've been this way for 16 months. I do believe if no kids are involved then no contact would probably help you to move on. I still have contact with my husband because of my son. It cuts like a knife every time. I hold on to hope with all the little emails or quick text that come through. Its rough. One thing i know is its not healthy for you just as it isn't for me.

I have come to the conclusion that if my husband hasn't show the littlest desire in over a year to reconcile they probably aren't going to.

I feel for you, I really do. I know how deeply stuck you feel. I do think others are right, you need to financially cut her off if no kids are involved. You don't need to be cruel about it. Just send her a note that since its been over a year and you have not reconciled you are going to give her until such and such date and then cut off funds. Give her 2 months to find a job. 

I know its hard but try to get out for at least a daily walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

John,

There comes a time in everyone's life when we flounder. Your drowning and cannot get to the surface to breathe.

When that happens you must do something so drastic to shock yourself out of the stagnant 
Iife you are living.

Stop funding your wife. Send her an email that you no longer have this responsibility and you need to detach from her so you can move on with your life.

GE t a new apt. Find something new, in a different part of the city. Some bright colored rooms can lift your spirits and the new place will give you a new perspective on your future.

Make some new friends. Find some new interests. Go on a vacation to somewhere you have never been before.

Exposé yourself to new people, new interests. 

It is time for you to move on John. Do it for you!!

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnG (Apr 6, 2011)

Thank you for the kind replies, everyone. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, SadWithoutHim. It's such a horrible thing to endure for so long. 

I actually wrote her an email two days ago telling her that I want zero contact with her after she graduates in August. I told her I will help support her until she finishes school and then I'm done. The next few months will be incredibly difficult but then the idea of never hearing from her again or seeing her will be so hard to face. She was such a huge part of my life. She was everything for the past 10 years. 

Even the little curt emails I occasionally get from her seem to lift my spirits for a few days. And then when I don't hear from her my mood darkens.

We don't have children so that's a good thing I suppose. But I just can't imagine trusting anyone ever again or spending my life with anyone else. I'm 45 years old and yet I feel like life is over.

I go for walks daily but the last two days I was so sad I started crying while walking around the neighborhood. I felt more lonely being around people than being alone in my apartment. I do go the gym a couple days a week but haven't this past week, just taking sleeping pills and going to bed early to "vanish" for awhile.

I just scheduled a counseling session a few minutes ago. So that's a step forward I guess. Very apprehensive though since I feel almost as though I'm backtracking a bit rather than moving forward.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

JohnG said:


> I actually wrote her an email two days ago telling her that I want zero contact with her after she graduates in August. I told her I will help support her until she finishes school and then I'm done.


Actually it will help you if you stopped supporting her now. If you think about it its still about her, her finishing school in August. Rather it should be about you, you deciding to move forward with your life at this very moment, so she needs to take care of herself.

BTW, read your earlier post's and I can't believe you would help your xw when she cheated with your friend.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"I'm no longer ok with sending this money"

No more explanation is necessary - or warranted.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

In my 16 months journey I've taken steps back and forward and even sideways. I promise I really understand your pain. I do know healing is never in a straight line. There are many ups and downs but I do know one can heal. I was ill in my early 30's for 5 years. I never thought I'd make it outdoor of it but i did. I imagine like others before us, we will too. 

I know that feeling of wanting to hide and be alone but do try to at least keep exercising. Its ok not to do the others stuff until you are ready but without no steps at all, you'll never get there at all. Exercise will help you so much and yet you can still be alone if that's what you feel you need right now while doing it.

I think the letter was a good start.

I think a change of scenery would be good. My husband and i bought our new home just a year and a half before he left. I remember how excited I was. Now I hate everything about it. I'm kind of stuck here right now. I know it depresses me more because its a constant reminder of us. Can you move since you are in an apartment? I think that would help you greatly to get out of that place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnG (Apr 6, 2011)

You're all so right. Sometimes we need to hear it from others who have gone through something similar before we realize the mistakes we've been making all along. 

I'm considering relocating to my home state to be near family. I haven't decided yet. I want to see how the next several months go in terms of me moving on and my overall mood.

I think a change of scenery would certainly be necessary this next year, whether moving near family or simply changing areas here in Los Angeles.

Thanks everyone for the advice and I hope you all have a better time of it than me. 

SadWithoutHim, I hope you can recover completely soon. Being stuck in the house can't be easy. I know all about being surrounded by reminders. I've only recently thrown out all my old photos and my wedding ring. I'm slowly trying to remove anything that could remind me of her. At some point I want the past 10 years to feel like another life rather than vestiges of the nightmare I'm still living.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

John
That is a step in the right direction.
IC is great and so is the exercise.

And remember, you are 45 years young with a lot experience that a de ent woman will love.

Keep moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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