# I'm feeling very discouraged



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My H is in AZ, I'm in CO living with his parents in the basement with our 3 kids who all have special needs. My H is working in AZ and sends home $1,000 per week to the acct and keeps about $400 a week for saving and his going out food. He uses the $1000 a week for our bills, his rent, his gas, and his grocery shopping. There is no money left over and he wants me to save. 

I'm waiting for his pay stubs to arrive in the mail so I can file bankrupcy chapter 7. We lost our house in May 12 and have lost everything we had over the years...WE are including medical bills, old credit cards, old timeshares that we have given back to the timeshare place or stopped payments on years ago, ...all total over $327K plus the interest.

Right now we have a small amount of foodstamps and medicaid for the co payments for our special needs kids from when my H was laid off. He was laid off for 7 months right after he moved back into our house from near divorce.

I'm just feeling like I'm never going to be able to move out of his parents house and we are never going to live on our own together again. 

Our food stamps are going to run out soon and there already is not a lot of money left over to eat on. I almost feel like I need to file for divorce just to eat becasue my H is in AZ. I don't want to divorce my H, but my Son also has severe Autism and I can't afford Co payments for his dr appts and therapies that medicaid provides. 

I'm just feeling very very dicouraged


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

I really don't have any great advice here except that all things change. "This too shall pass" is likely true about your current situation. Hang in there, keep doing the best you can, and focus on your family.

If divorcing hubby helps with the financing and you are both on board with it... It can always be a temporary solution until you both get back on your feel. As long as you both see it only as a "paperwork" decision and not a "life" decision.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

KeepLoveGrowing said:


> I really don't have any great advice here except that all things change. "This too shall pass" is likely true about your current situation. Hang in there, keep doing the best you can, and focus on your family.
> 
> If divorcing hubby helps with the financing and you are both on board with it... It can always be a temporary solution until you both get back on your feel. As long as you both see it only as a "paperwork" decision and not a "life" decision.


I am thinking of going the divorce route just on paper.....and not meaning a real divorce for us in our hearts, but I doubt he will go along with it. He will take it seriously. 
He just said Divorce is divorce


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

You would have to both be on board for it to be a paper-only Divorce. I wouldn't take a chance with my marriage if I thought he would see it as "Divorce is divorce". 

Keep your head up. Anyway you could work part time and get the inlaws (or other friends and family) to babysit the kids? Try to think creatively.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

WEll heres one thing that has me so so dicouraged since i found this out....H got a dating app on his Iphone that I found out about maybe 2 weeks ago. He did finally confess after trying to lie about it. I had all the proof that I found on the kids Ipad. He got it 2 weeks after he left CO. He says that he never finished his profile so he never used it. I keep his group of confession texts to reassure myself, but I know he gets lonely and I know he gets frustrated with my worries and with all our kids having special needs. 

I know there might come a day that hes so worried or so mad at me that he puts that app back on his phone and enters his profile.....And once he cheats thats the end of us......

I'm honestly feeling like before we can even live together hes going to cheat


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> My H is in AZ, I'm in CO living with his parents in the basement with our 3 kids who all have special needs. My H is working in AZ and sends home $1,000 per week to the acct and keeps about $400 a week for saving and his going out food. He uses the $1000 a week for our bills, his rent, his gas, and his grocery shopping. There is no money left over and he wants me to save.
> 
> I'm waiting for his pay stubs to arrive in the mail so I can file bankrupcy chapter 7. We lost our house in May 12 and have lost everything we had over the years...WE are including medical bills, old credit cards, old timeshares that we have given back to the timeshare place or stopped payments on years ago, ...all total over $327K plus the interest.
> 
> ...


Here in NH we have something called Katie Beckett for kids who have severe disabilities. It's so that they don't have to rely on their parents' insurance. They get a special form of Medicaid. You should call the Medicaid office in your state and ask them about any kind of assistance you can get. 

Also did you know that when qualifying for Medicaid and Food Stamps, you can deduct all of your medical co-pays to knock down your income? This is very beneficial for parents of children with disabilities.

If you hit a dead end you can ask at a Congressional office (just call) and explain your situation and they will make an attempt to give you a list of resources that you can use.

The key, as you know, is to have all of your records. I suggest getting a 3-ring binder with all of kids' medical information, separate bills for each of them, insurance coverage info, all of your income and debts, i.d. numbers for everyone, tax returns, etc. Make copies of them and put them in those plastic document sleeves. Then you won't be tempted to give up due to the complexity of the paperwork burden.

Honestly, I would have loved to have parents or in-laws to stay with, especially when my child was more disabled than he was now (prior to spinal surgery and thyroid medication/diagnosis.) There was a day when I thought i would have to give up my son. It was that bad. That was the day I called the state Medicaid nurse, and it was the day after Christmas and I was so shocked someone was there to answer the phone and talk to me. It was like a miracle. She got my kids qualified for Medicaid and gave me the name of a doctor at the Children's Hospital in Boston and said I could take my son out of state for care, and that was where he got correctly diagnosed and got surgery. It was a long haul, but I did it! Having children with disabilities has got to be one of the loneliest places on the planet.

You might also want to call a regional hospital and talk to the social worker. They also know a lot of resources, most hospitals have some kind of outreach foundation. 

Keep a list of places you call and people you talk to and leads they give you. Don't give up!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> WEll heres one thing that has me so so dicouraged since i found this out....H got a dating app on his Iphone that I found out about maybe 2 weeks ago. He did finally confess after trying to lie about it. I had all the proof that I found on the kids Ipad. He got it 2 weeks after he left CO. He says that he never finished his profile so he never used it. I keep his group of confession texts to reassure myself, but I know he gets lonely and I know he gets frustrated with my worries and with all our kids having special needs.
> 
> I know there might come a day that hes so worried or so mad at me that he puts that app back on his phone and enters his profile.....And once he cheats thats the end of us......
> 
> I'm honestly feeling like before we can even live together hes going to cheat


Well one thing is sure, it's you who has got to take care of the kids, and yourself. Keep focused on that. Right now he is sending some money and you have control of the documents and filing for bankruptcy and if you do decide you'll be better off divorced you can do that too. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, particularly not one labeled 'unreliable.' Always have a Plan B, and make sure it suits you a lot better than the joint Plan A, your kids are counting on you. So you be the better person in all this.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Here in NH we have something called Katie Beckett for kids who have severe disabilities. It's so that they don't have to rely on their parents' insurance. They get a special form of Medicaid. You should call the Medicaid office in your state and ask them about any kind of assistance you can get.
> 
> Also did you know that when qualifying for Medicaid and Food Stamps, you can deduct all of your medical co-pays to knock down your income? This is very beneficial for parents of children with disabilities.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your incouraging words. No I ddin't know you can deduct medical expenses to qualify for Medicaid and food stamps. I also didn't know that I could call a congressional office to explain about my situation to get My son medicaid. I know in my state they have a disability waiver but only take 75 kids at a time out to the thousands that need it....Thats pretty discouraging. 

My H wants to end up in AZ,,,so I'll have to change states as far as how to go about things....

Its getting really really hard to live with my inlaws because all my kids behavior has changed for the worse...the kids are stressed out because they don't have most of thier stuff, don't have any bedrooms, don't have thier house, don't have thier daddy.....


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well one thing is sure, it's you who has got to take care of the kids, and yourself. Keep focused on that. Right now he is sending some money and you have control of the documents and filing for bankruptcy and if you do decide you'll be better off divorced you can do that too. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, particularly not one labeled 'unreliable.' Always have a Plan B, and make sure it suits you a lot better than the joint Plan A, your kids are counting on you. So you be the better person in all this.


Weekends are the hardest....Yesterday I had a nother triggere because I checked the mail and his pay stubs were not in the mail. I need his pay stubs in order to file bankrupcy. He said he mailed them last thursday, so it has now been over a week. 

I do know that living apart we can't maintain and heal our marriage. How can you heal from past lies and past infedility living 800 miles away? you just can't.....Our marriage is deteriating even faster than it was before I found the dating app


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Was there more infidelity than just signing up for that site? 

Have you contacted your city's agencies for help? There are a LOT of organizations and agencies in America, they are just hard to find, 

Do you go to church? They may have a mothers day out or something where you can get out and work one day a week.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Was there more infidelity than just signing up for that site?


WAY more. Her hubby is still cheating on her too, although she doesn't want to admit it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66888-found-dating-app-kids-ipad.html#post1417181

You need to divorce this guy, like YESTERDAY, and start over without all of his problems.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not proof of infidelity. She hasn't found emails or phone records or anything.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I'm sorry you're in this situation, however I'm a little confused.

Your H makes nearly 100k a year, you aren't paying a mortgage or credit card bills, yet you need foodstamps? I

Again, sorry about your situation. Perhaps financial counseling may help?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> That's not proof of infidelity. She hasn't found emails or phone records or anything.


I'd have to stalk her posts for the last year, but it's all in there.

She posted this today - she knows he's cheating

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67470-considered-cheating.html#post1441209


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What was the proof? I saw nothing of what HE was doing. If anything, SHE was doing something outside the marriage.

And blueskies, PLEASE stop setting up new threads. Nobody can follow you all over the place like that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

They both cheated, and he continues to do so. She admits she knows he is. If I get the time, I will go and stalk all her old threads and dig it out for you


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What does his family say about this situation? They have to know something is wrong here. Are they any help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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