# Could use some help



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I like most others maybe feel so confused and upset about what's going on in my marriage it's hard to sometimes think straight. To give the background my wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 17 years. We have two wonderful children ages 6 and 4. We both work, own a home, and have what I would consider a good life. Things could always be better with the economy but all in all we pay our bills, put some money aside, and are not in any debt which is great. 

Anyway, about six months ago I got home from a work trip on a Saturday night and my wife asked me to talk. She said she wasn't happy and didn't like where our relationship went the last couple of years. Now, I guess I was kind of blindsided with the timing of the talk. I had just driven home from the airport mind you and now I'm having this conversation not too long after walking in the door. When thought about it she certainly didn't pull some of our problems out of thin air. There had certainly been what I would agree was a drifting apart. She suggested counseling which I had my doubts about because I had once heard it could do more harm than good. Anyway, I agreed but it was going to be a couple of weeks before they were going to be able to see us. Although it would come out in conversation later I had a feeling I was getting the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. 

I have never had any reason of suspecting my wife of doing anything. When problems are brought up though it puts you in a different mindset and you want to cover all of the bases. I soon came to find out that my wife had been for the previous 5-6 weeks text messaging with a male co-worker of hers not only throughout the days but nights and weekends as well. There were also some calls but texting was the primary form of communication. They work in the same school so they would clearly see each other there as well. I also uncovered that a week after we had our talk when she was off from school she took my older daughter to meet up with him and his kids for what she later called play dates. 

I confronted my wife and she told me nothing happened and they were just friends. Looking back on it one thing she said which I couldn't believe is when she asked me if I noticed the texting had all but pretty much stopped recently. I said yes I did and asked what happened. She tells me that it was because his wife had noticed all of the texting and had said something to him. Anyway, I can't find anyway to believe this wasn't an emotional affair no matter how many times or for how long my wife wants to deny it. She tells me she's sorry and agrees this was not appropriate but still doesn't acknowledge what is clear to me?

I'm just curious what everyone thinks about all of this and would be happy to answer any questions if anything is confusing or not clear.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It could be that your wife stopped it in its tracks when she realized what was happening. What is her mood like now? Does she seem to be acting normal? Is she withdrawn, quiet, sad?

It's a good thing the other guy's wife was on the ball, or this could have become a lot worse.

What would it change for you if your wife admitted to an emotional affair? Do you have reason to think that she is lying about anything?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Candie thank you for the reply. Honestly, I'm not sure if it would change much if she did admit it was an emotional affair. We obviously were at a bad point in the marriage and this was like a huge roadblock we couldn't get over. The worst thing is all the thoughts that go through your head. His wife mentioned something first and then me. If not this was clearly headed down a very bad road whether my wife wants to admit it or not.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, maybe she (or they, rather) just hadn't got that far yet...which is good! But I hope your wife realizes how easy and how fast these things can happen...it probably isn't a good idea for her to have an opposite sex friend. My policy with my husband (and him with me) is that if there's something I wouldn't do if Hubs could see, then I probably shouldn't be doing it. This includes texts, emails, coffee, lunch, whatever. And I don't have any men in my life that my husband hasn't met / doesn't know about.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It certainly looks like it was at least headed toward an EA. Did you read any of the text so you could get a feel for the nature of the conversations? While you're lucky that it appears to have been exposed to day light early enough to avoid a major transgression - be careful. If she won't talk about it and see it for what it was the possibility exist that she hasn't faced what led her there and may be susceptible in the future. None of us wants to believe we are capable of cheating and that when faced with it we would do the right thing. Reality is many of us will fail that test for a variety of reasons when it comes. Try to be sure it's dealt with enough to at least get the benefit of learning why and how she started down that slope so she doesn't end up there again.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Candie that's good and I see know how communication on such issues is key. Opposite sex friends that aren't mutual friends cause nothing but problems as far as I'm concerned.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it is very important that you contact the OM's spouse and compare notes. All cheating spouses put a positive spin on their behavior. Meeting up for play dates with your children? This is so unacceptable. It is a standard rule of thumb that cheating spouses originally only give a tip of the iceberg and only give out information that is already confirmed. I guarantee you that there is more. Contact the OM's spouse.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Funny how they find faults in the marriage and they discover that they aren't happy and also have the revolation that they love you but aren't IN love with you right about the time they became "just friends".


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Sigma those are good points you make. I must say she has talked about it and understands it was wrong. She has said she's very sorry she hurt me on more that one occasion I have no idea what might have happened if both his wife and myself hadn't brought the issue to light. I know some others don't think it matters but I'm sure it was a scare for both of them. 

bryanp I get where you are coming from and in the heat of the conversation several months back I threatened to do that very thing. What stopped me was my wife opening up a little more about it and the fact that I don't want to cause another party pain for what might be little reason. She also had her reasons for suspecting and mentioning something to him. Their conversations could of been very similar to the ones my wife and I were having.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I believe that you are making a big mistake by not talking to the OM's wife. Clearly your wife was fearful of you talking to the OM's spouse and apparently gave you just enough information to stop you from contacting the OM's spouse. You need to follow Ronald Reagan's sage advise.......Trust but verify. Good luck. Would you rather have too much information or not enough?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There is always the possibility that your wife and the OM may have taken things underground (i.e. prepaid phone, etc.) so it behooves you to keep on the investigation going _(i.e. installing a GPS in her car as well as a VAR (voice activated recorder) under the one of the front seats and inside your home)_ until you are satisfied that she is on the up and up.

Keep in mind that marital counseling is counterproductive if she is still in contact with the OM. If that is the case, she may use the counseling sessions as 'proof' that the marriage is unsalvageable and that divorce is the only option. So before going to marital counseling INSIST on her voluntarily being totally transparent _(no hidden passwords nor phone locks)_ as well as giving you all the information about the OM so that you can contact his wife to verify if she is truly aware of her husband's involvement with your wife, otherwise you are relying on the word of a woman who is most likely lying in order to keep the door open for further contact with the OM later on.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Sigma those are good points you make. I must say she has talked about it and understands it was wrong. She has said she's very sorry she hurt me on more that one occasion I have no idea what might have happened if both his wife and myself hadn't brought the issue to light. I know some others don't think it matters but I'm sure it was a scare for both of them.
> 
> bryanp I get where you are coming from and in the heat of the conversation several months back I threatened to do that very thing. What stopped me was my wife opening up a little more about it and the fact that I don't want to cause another party pain for what might be little reason. She also had her reasons for suspecting and mentioning something to him. Their conversations could of been very similar to the ones my wife and I were having.


The fog of the BS , what can we say , the only fool is one who believes a wayward who is cheating on the marriage. Call the OM's wife and verify what was said and assume your wife has taken this underground. There is a fairly consistent script waywards follow and it is highly unlikely your wife is any different. 

Compare notes with his wife , and monitor your wife very carefully . As your wife and the OM work together one of them has to leave the job now. If you decide to ignore this advice go see a lawyer as your marriage days are numbered.

In the interim have her write a no contact letter to the OM . 

Template below

http://www.marriageforlife.biz/no_contact_letter.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> She said she wasn't happy and didn't like where our relationship went the last couple of years.


*Red Flag.* Re-writing the marital history is part of the affair script, and it looks like she's already begun to re-write it. 



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I have never had any reason of suspecting my wife of doing anything.


Not everyone will see the obvious behaviorial changes that many cheaters go thru when they're in affairs. Some people can actually compartmentalize one life from the other.



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I soon came to find out that my wife had been for the previous 5-6 weeks text messaging with a male co-worker of hers not only throughout the days but nights and weekends as well. There were also some calls but texting was the primary form of communication. They work in the same school so they would clearly see each other there as well.


*Red Flag.* So this is a workplace affair and OM is a coworker. They have ample time and opportunity to pursue it. And like all cheaters in affairs, they can't get enough of each other and will continue to communicate constantly when they are apart from work.



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I also uncovered that a week after we had our talk when she was off from school she took my older daughter to meet up with him and his kids for what she later called play dates.


*Red Flag.* Now she's investing a lot of emotional energy towards OM, even to the point of involving her child. 



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I confronted my wife and she told me nothing happened and they were just friends.


*The biggest red flag of them all.* When you hear that phrase, you know they're more than just friends. 



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Looking back on it one thing she said which I couldn't believe is when she asked me if I noticed the texting had all but pretty much stopped recently. I said yes I did and asked what happened. She tells me that it was because his wife had noticed all of the texting and had said something to him.


Now she says "see! I'm not texting any more". This is trying to throw you off the scent. You must now be on the lookout for an affair phone. You will need a VAR for this. People deep in the fog of an EA will rarely just stop, especially since they're coworkers! It may have gone underground now. You have to investigate to see if this is the case or not.



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Anyway, I can't find anyway to believe this wasn't an emotional affair no matter how many times or for how long my wife wants to deny it. She tells me she's sorry and agrees this was not appropriate but still doesn't acknowledge what is clear to me?


Google "Emotional Affairs" and it's quite obvious that she's in a full on EA. You don't even know yet if it has gone PA. EAs always go PA sooner or later, especially if they're in close proximity. You'd best be wise and install the computer monitoring software and get the VARs now. This doesn't look good to me at all. With any luck, you might be able to kill the EA before it goes PA. She needs to immediately write a NC letter, go NC with OM, and most likely change jobs. This is very serious.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Funny how they find faults in the marriage and they discover that they aren't happy and also have the revolation that they love you but aren't IN love with you right about the time they became "just friends".


My thoughts exactly Crossbar! 

MAKINGSENSEOFIT,

I would take everything your wife tells you with a grain of salt. This sounds like an affair to me, especially since she blindsided you with the "talk" and counseling.

Some cheater use this to cover their tracks.

Example: I tried counseling and talking to him but it just didn't work. While all the while having an affair.

Well of course it didn't work! Counseling only works if both parties are committed to healing the relationship. 

I am glad you found those text...keep a watchful eye.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I'm glad I was never naive enough to not realize this was an emotional affair right off the bat. The timing of things is also something I just can't ignore.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Candie that's good and I see know how communication on such issues is key. Opposite sex friends that aren't mutual friends cause nothing but problems as far as I'm concerned.


I thought I was fine with oppositie sex friends. I ended up in an EA with someone at work. I really felt we were just close friends. However when I went through withdrawal I realized I had been a complete idiot about it. So I agree.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I thought I was fine with oppositie sex friends. I ended up in an EA with someone at work. I really felt we were just close friends. However when I went through withdrawal I realized I had been a complete idiot about it. So I agree.


I'll third this. And I've got an EA scar to prove it as well...


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Come on, this situation is pretty obvious. She was carrying on an A(Ea or PA) for some time, and recently OMW found out and OM informed your W to prepare for the confrontation. Your W is doing damage control by volunteering some info as if it was just a friendship gone a bit too far. 

Don't believe a word she says at this point. Trust me, it's much deeper than you think. A pure EA is possible on long distance relationship, but the fact they work together means things must have escalated pretty quick and deep. 

You must contact OMW immediately! Also, if you can, demand Polygraph to see how she reacts.


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## djo69 (Oct 24, 2011)

New comer here...I am going thru something similar...I found inapproiate texting on my H's phone...and I went back thru our phone records...they have been talking/texting for over a year. It just happens to be that I read the one text that they were meeting up...not sure that I believe this...but he says they only meet in person this one time...and that it was flirting and never physical. I also found tons of searching on his web history of craiglist and errotic massages...and porn sites. All he does is deny deny deny...until he can't. 
So....my question to you is...how do you trust and believe them again? Does your W deny deny deny?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you are making a mistake here, it sounds like she and he got caught, they said oops, we will just stop, and now everyone cn go back to smiling.

They still work together, so they still have on going contact to keep things alive.

Look for a hidden phone or the computer as a way to go underground.

Your wife was already rewriting history, and moving to the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. This isn't an weak affair, this is something that already is killing your marriage.

So don't just rug sweep. Talk to the OMW , look for secret communication, demand full transparency, and don't accept blindly when she disappears to out without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think you are making a mistake here, it sounds like she and he got caught, they said oops, we will just stop, and now everyone cn go back to smiling.
> 
> They still work together, so they still have on going contact to keep things alive.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

The one problem I'm having is coming to grips with my overall attitude towards the entire marriage. This emotional nonsense aside I can't help but feel that hell if I'm not good enough for you then screw it. I'm going to find happiness myself and good luck to you. I love my two children and they love me. That will never change and they will always be in my life. I know I'm a good person and a good husband. I don't need to be convincing someone to stay together with me. Let her go find whatever she thinks happiness is and be miserable.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think your attitude is spot on. You deserve better and do not need to settle.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> The one problem I'm having is coming to grips with my overall attitude towards the entire marriage. This emotional nonsense aside I can't help but feel that hell if I'm not good enough for you then screw it. I'm going to find happiness myself and good luck to you. I love my two children and they love me. That will never change and they will always be in my life. I know I'm a good person and a good husband. I don't need to be convincing someone to stay together with me. Let her go find whatever she thinks happiness is and be miserable.


:smthumbup:


I can understand this...

I bet most all BS's think this at some point.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Your wife is lying
> Your wife has to leave her place of work
> Contact the OM's wife and share notes.
> Hand written NC letter to OM
> She writes a letter of apology to OM's wife , her parents and yours



Regardless of how you feel now your feelings will change back and forth, what matters is how you ensure the affair is truly over and you have the truth so you can step back and decide what you want out of your marriage.

What steps are you going to take ?


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