# Confused



## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi everyone...I am certainly going through a very difficult time at home.

My wife's texting friend turned into a PA.... I have been told it was only once and she is very sorry and embaressed about it...
I found out about it from the OM's fiance....

It happened right before family ( kids )has come to town so we didn't really talk to much about it and she said that she doesn't want to talk about it at all anymore until family leaves..... which is the middle of August. She said that she wants to table everything this summer and see if we can reconnect....:scratchhead:

A few days back I looked at our cell phone bill and saw that she had texted the OM after she had told me that there would be no more of that...and there was also a new # that had a few texts and such at odd times of the day...I texted the number and said I was so and so's husband and was wondering who this was...

The person didn't text me back but texted her and asked abouit it..She was really mad at me about it and embarassed...
It was one of her girlfriends new friend or whatever that my wife became friends with...She said I should have asked her about it first...Well maybe so ..but inlight of everything that happened with the texting and all I would think she would give me leeway on that...Nope just said I was snooping and controlling and that I never stick to anything I say ...So then she changed the password on our account and I can no longer see anything...

I really am at a loss....

I feel like I',m walking on egg shells and that I am the only one doing the leg work...

It hurts that she doesn't even want to talk about it or won't...

I figure I can do anything for 6 weeks but sometimes it seems very daunting...

( thats the short version I am a quick break at work )

Thanks for any thoughts.....

FL


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Are you the account holder? Ask for a pwd reset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she won't own it and doesn't want to talk about it and is changing passwords at this most paramount time and she texted him after you told her to stop--you've got a LONG road.

Tell her TODAY you refuse to live in an open marriage. And while she may not want to talk about it, YOU DO. She has broken your trust and this isn't something that's going to get swept under the rug, no matter how much she wants to do that. 

You shouldn't be the one to do the legwork--she messed up, she has to help make it right. 

Tell her it ends with him or you're gone. You have to mean it.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Set the ground rules and make sure she follows them. No further contact, period. And don't let the houseguests be hostages. Let her know that if she doesn't recommit and go total transparency that you will allow things to blow up whether they are there or not. 

Being limbo, even for six weeks, is going to really suck so you need to do everything you can to take some control of the situation back. 

Good luck and stay strong.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

There is NO WAY this gets "tabled" for 6 weeks. Not even 6 hours. She hasn't done so; why should you? She doesn't want to talk about it? Fine, there is the door - and when you get around to wanting to talk about it, the locks will be changed. Table everything for the summer? Are you kidding me? If you choose to live in an open marriage (which is what she's essentially saying), then you, too, would be free to have yourself a PA, which I assume neither of you wants... Time to address the reality, head-on. Walking on eggshells?? Break 'em all, and the cartons, and henhouse, and the refrigerator!...She does not get to rug-sweep this into not existing, because it does. 

Man-up and 180 time! Read, learn, & apply immediately. She needs to choose - your marriage, or not your marriage. 

She's not owning this. She's not even really sorry. And she certainly has no respect for your feelings here.

No Contact needs to be something you see & witness.
Transparency is transparency. If she's not doing anything to be ashamed of or forbidden, then she should be totally comfortable with you seeing/hearing/reading it. 
You can't "reconnect" if she's still in dialogue with OM. You can, if you choose, continue to be lied to and disrespected.

Man up, my friend, or wish you had.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I just went through this. It is the tip of the iceberg! I found a few saved texts and she denied, said they were responses to jokes. I started checking her phone and saw more suspect content which disappeared quickly. Could not stop my doubt. 
I knew the suspected OM so I called him. EA had been going on for 15 months.
Grab any evidence you can and demand no contact now!


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

I am going to read up more on the 180 and try not to be a doormat. I have lots of love for our kids and for my wife so a part of my thinks those 6 weeks will go by fast. 

So it’s a struggle. I feel like I have lost her already and the only way we may have a chance is to do this way…I am thinking that I will give it a couple weeks and ask about the texting and phone bill and if no change I’ll have my answer… (Which I already have I guess I am hoping it will change)

I told her that I want to know if at anytime she texts or talks with the OM that I would like to know…She said he had received texts about trivial stuff and she had only responded to one or two and usually just ignores them….She said it's done 
and that its an adjustment period…

She said she didn’t know about us and there has been so much between us she just needs time to get perspective on it all….
She wants to take some time without decisions just one day at a time…enjoying life.

She also mentioned that the OM was a symptom of a bigger problem... (That I agree on)


Last year I had a brief affair (1-1/2 month) which put us through a lot…she pulled hard for us for while then after I came out of the “ fog “ she went on to her EA/PA…

We have quite the history (I think we can pull through we have been together for a long time not give it everything) and I am surprised that she did this right on the heels of all the pain we went through already….We talked up and down about the consequences that I had for my affair and how I would never do it again…not to myself or to my family…

She cant say she wouldn’t never do it again…She says she would like to think she wouldn’t but doesn’t like to say never about anything anymore ….


I am open to all replies and I thank you who have replied already…I go through about a zillion waves of emotion a day…but they are getting better…


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

forever learning said:


> Hi everyone...I am certainly going through a very difficult time at home.
> 
> My wife's texting friend turned into a PA.... I have been told it was only once and she is *very sorry and embaresse*d about it...
> I found out about it from the OM's fiance....
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

forever learning said:


> I am going to read up more on the 180 and try not to be a doormat. I have lots of love for our kids and for my wife so a part of my thinks those 6 weeks will go by fast.
> 
> *... I am feeling a little ill in reading this. Stop even thinking like this. *
> 
> ...


I do wish you luck and I was purposely not holding back on my words to emphasize things.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Husband txted non stop for about a year to a close friend of his who was having trouble w their marriage. Husband was the one with the troubled marriage, as he was having an affair for 8 months. Didn't end it, he was caught... by a txt ,no doubt!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

OK, it's a revenge affair, whoich clearly you two never resolved after your A.

So therefore you're leaving it up to her to continue doing her thing (as long as she tells you afterward when she texts him), and then hoping since she would "like to think she wouldn't do it again" that she will see the light and decide you are the better choice. 

You're not listening to the advice here. You're now living in an open marriage. Taking her time with no decisions means "let me continue banging this guy, and maybe others if I want to, and let's se if you will do anything about it". 

Good luck with that.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Forever!

This isn't empty advise your getting here. Most of us have travelled this road. Your wife is following an affair script to a T! We've lived it.

This advise is for a reason. It's the ONLY way to stop this!

Man up! Stop being a door mat! Tough love is really the only thing that works here!

Did you read the Nice Guy sticky in the Mens forum. I would advise it strongly!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

I thank everyone for the advice ....I have been living in denial with that but feeling it for sure ( if that even makes sense ) 

I will read the nice guy sticky and re read the 180 and start...

Its time for me to start using my brain ...

I'll update as we go....

Thanks again


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

2xloser said:


> OK, it's a revenge affair, whoich clearly you two never resolved after your A.
> 
> So therefore you're leaving it up to her to continue doing her thing (as long as she tells you afterward when she texts him), and then hoping since she would "like to think she wouldn't do it again" that she will see the light and decide you are the better choice.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

Tell the OM if all contact does not stop your next call will be to his family and fiance. That always worked for me. 

Good luck.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't even warn him-just drop the bomb on the fiancee, and let HIM live in hell for a change.

By not telling, your PROTECTING HIM!


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