# Found out the truth, now what about the kids?



## ericthefish (Aug 16, 2013)

Ha, I never thought I would have to post on here (like almost everyone else I'm sure), but right now I have no idea where to turn. Let me tell you a story ...
My wife and I were not going through the rosiest of patches for a few months. She was becoming very distant which I tried to bridge. But it wasn't working so I focused all my energy on our two little girls (3 and 6). About a month ago I asked her if we were ok and she broke down and said no. She had been on antidepressants for about a month by this stage so I told her it was the medication and we could work through this. Before this she had organised a trip to QLD to visit her sister who was having a hard time having been diagnosed with Lupis. She then was going to spend 2 days in Melbourne to work through what was causing her depression (not our relationship). She then extended this to 4 days. I thought if it was going to help her then I wasn't going to stop her.
2 days after she got back from that trip I asked her if she had worked through what she needed to. She broke down and said that we were over. I was in shock but also realised that we had drifted further apart since the initial discussion and couldn't find myself to disagree.
This was all 2 weeks ago and she is moving out this weekend. We have arranged to share the girls 1 week on 1 week off with them staying with me first. Things between us had been a little awkward but no fights or anything like that. I just felt empty and didn't know why I wasn't sad or angry or relieved
Lately I noticed her being secretive hiding her phone and moving her laptop so I couldn't see. I managed to check her phone one morning and saw a message which gave me a pretty clear indication she was being unfaithful with a guy in Melbourne. I confronted her and she denied it having a story to cover it up. As you would expect I have felt uneasy about it ever since and we have had a few more chats about it.
This morning she caught me going through her phone again and got angry at me. I didn't find what I was looking for but she told me there was nothing there. Today I managed to get her old laptop up and running which had skype messages she didn't delete. There was a conversation from the day I first asked her if we were ok. In it her and the other guy confess their love for each other and talk about there plans in Melbourne.
I haven't confronted her with this yet and I plan on doing it tonight. I have also tracked down the other guys partner on Facebook and have drafted a message to her but not sent it yet. But what I want to know is is there something I should be doing to protect the girls. I don't feel like she should have that 1 week access when she was the one that wanted to walk out on us. I feel like an idiot for agreeing with her when she told me we were finished.
Please help, I am so angry and have been shaking ever since I read the skype messages


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm not sure I would go looking anymore for answers, I did and wasn't ready for the whirlwind of emotions that was left. Focus on you and your daughters. The regulars will be here soon with sound advice, please follow it. It may not feel right but I will tell you if you read my story what could happen if you don't. It will be for your own good. I'm so sorry you're here, things will get better believe it or not. Focus on your kids, love them and be strong for them, they will need your strength to endure their new future.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Sorry you are here. To get straight to your question, there is probably nothing you can do to prevent access to your kids, and despite how you feel, you shouldn't anyway. Their relationship with their mother is separate from yours. They are her kids too. Before you confront her, you ought to draft up an agreement documenting what she has agreed to, so it is in writing, and she can't change her mind easily. I'd consult a lawyer too, make sure your it's are crossed, and I'd dotted before throwing a wrench into the works.

You are angry, sad, in shock maybe, whatever. Please think of yourself and your girls first and foremost. Get cold, get calculating, do not get emotional around your wife. She is essentially an addict right now, she could nor reason we'll if she wanted to. She may or may not snap out, so play the odds and prepare for the worst, and get yourself the best outcome if it should come to pass. Do that first. See a lawyer, draft an agreement with the best possible terms for you, and get it signed. Then you can think about if you want to try to salvage your marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get tested for stds- take care of your health.

See legal help and file immediately- protect your assets and your kids. Warning, if you do not take strong actions to protect your assets- she may wind up using them to pay for her OM.

Do a hard 180 and do it for you.

I would out him in your case his partner deserves to know, do not tip your wife off in advance. Just do it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Confront her with the information and the divorce papers.


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## ericthefish (Aug 16, 2013)

Thanks SadandAngry. The last thing I would want to do is hurt my girls, and I know that their relationship with their mum is just as important. I just feel like she is getting everything she wanted.
She had been isolating herself so has never had to deal with the girls full time. I have always been there to pick up the pieces when I get home. Now she potentially gets to see this other guy, have the girls occasionally and have her own space! And I feel like I am being penalised that I only get to see the girls 1 week out of 2
I didn't mention in my initial post, but I first met her nearly 20 years ago, we've been together 15 and married 8. She knows how disappointed in myself I am that I couldn't fight harder to make it work. I told her from very very early on in our friendship that she was going to be someone very special to me yet she shows no remorse, has admitted no guilt ...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Find out who the other guy is and if he is married let his wife know, it's the right thing to do.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

ericthefish said:


> yet she shows no remorse, has admitted no guilt ...


nor will she if you do not take a hard stand from the get go. if you flip flop around it will just make her worse and then the real fun starts. just ask me how I know.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If you know the other partners name. I would do what I could it get a phone number. If you can't, then send an email to her with YOUR number on there if she has any questions or concerns then she can contact you. An email could be written off as a hoax. But a hoaxer wouldn't put their number on an email.

Do NOT tell your wife about the email or you contacting his girlfriend/wife...just do it. If you tell your wife ahead of time, all your doing is giving them an opportunity to come up with a viable and believable story to tell her and to get her to ignore anything you have to say. 

If you expose to the OM's girl, there's a very good chance that the OM is going to throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin. I wouldn't say a word to your wife. If one day, your wife comes in and starts screaming at you...well, mission accomplished. She will probably say some VERY hurtful things to you....like OM is so much better than you...blah...blah...just let it roll off your back. She will also say something like, "I was considering working things out with you, but not after this stunt...blah...blah....

That's just cheater speak after you blow up their fantasy world. Don't take it personal.

But, if you want to end their affair, expose to the OM girl.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've already asked her several times and just got lied too.

Don't confront ths time, instead contact the other mans partner and report the affair.

Then stay quiet and wait for her to confront you.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

If your enemy goes to ground leave no ground for them to go to. Scorched Earth policy.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You've already asked her several times and just got lied too.
> 
> Don't confront ths time, instead contact the other mans partner and report the affair.
> 
> Then stay quiet and wait for her to confront you.


:iagree: This. Send everything you have to the guy's wife/girlfriend and sit back and wait for when your wife comes to you.

Hell go for broke and expose to everyone if you want. You should at some point


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Refuse to be played said:


> :iagree: This. Send everything you have to the guy's wife/girlfriend and sit back and wait for when your wife comes to you.
> 
> Hell go for broke and expose to everyone if you want. You should at some point


How does that go "the truth will set you free"


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ericthefish said:


> I feel like an idiot for agreeing with her when she told me we were finished.


Why? It takes two to have a marriage. If one person wants out, the other one is going to get out, too.

Two things you can do to get your wife to come back to the marriage:

1. Blow up the other man's life. Out him to his wife/girlfriend, he parents, his siblings - as many people that are important to him as you can.

2. Make her fantasy a reality. Let her see how much it lives up to what she thought it would. Ask her to leave. Tell her if she doesn't want you, she should get out and go be happy with other man. Call up other man and tell him, you won, she's all yours, I'll be dropping her off in a few minutes, bag and baggage.

When you confront her, don't reveal where your evidence came from. Just tell her that you know. Let her think someone else saw her and told you about it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Get an agreement from her in writing first, before you blow the lid off. Who knows what either of you will want in a week, a month, a year. Get good terms while she is interested in nothing more than making it easier to get her fix. Take time off work immediately to seek legal help, and get an agreement signed. There's plenty to do, but your wife is so far gone at this point you need to do the best you can to protect yourself and by extension your girls. Maybe she'll even go for giving you primary custody of the girls. Be there for them, be dependable for them, be their rock. They will know the score. Be the man you aspire to be. Be the kind of person you want your kids to become. You control only yourself, and you can make choices that will lead to a better future, with or with out your wife. Focus on doing what needs to be done. You can't change the past, and life is not fair. Don't fall into a passive victim role. Seek out a mental health councillor for yourself. Explore your feelings there. Go see your doctor for a check up. Get ready to separate yourself financially, accounts, credit, insurance, phones, everything. Be ready to pull the trigger on that the minute your wife signs an agreement, if not sooner. This isn't your fault, the affair was her choice, and hers alone.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Get an agreement from her in writing first, before you blow the lid off. Who knows what either of you will want in a week, a month, a year. Get good terms while she is interested in nothing more than making it easier to get her fix. Take time off work immediately to seek legal help, and get an agreement signed. There's plenty to do, but your wife is so far gone at this point you need to do the best you can to protect yourself and by extension your girls. Maybe she'll even go for giving you primary custody of the girls. Be there for them, be dependable for them, be their rock. They will know the score. Be the man you aspire to be. Be the kind of person you want your kids to become. You control only yourself, and you can make choices that will lead to a better future, with or with out your wife. Focus on doing what needs to be done. You can't change the past, and life is not fair. Don't fall into a passive victim role. Seek out a mental health councillor for yourself. Explore your feelings there. Go see your doctor for a check up. Get ready to separate yourself financially, accounts, credit, insurance, phones, everything. Be ready to pull the trigger on that the minute your wife signs an agreement, if not sooner. This isn't your fault, the affair was her choice, and hers alone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Not only great advice but very important info right here. If you have joint accounts she may have the right to empty it before you know what happened. It's about protecting yourself from a person you think you know but then wonder if you really ever knew


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

ericthefish said:


> Ha, I never thought I would have to post on here (like almost everyone else I'm sure), but right now I have no idea where to turn. Let me tell you a story ...
> My wife and I were not going through the rosiest of patches for a few months. She was becoming very distant which I tried to bridge. But it wasn't working so I focused all my energy on our two little girls (3 and 6). About a month ago I asked her if we were ok and she broke down and said no. She had been on antidepressants for about a month by this stage so I told her it was the medication and we could work through this. Before this she had organised a trip to QLD to visit her sister who was having a hard time having been diagnosed with Lupis. She then was going to spend 2 days in Melbourne to work through what was causing her depression (not our relationship). She then extended this to 4 days. I thought if it was going to help her then I wasn't going to stop her.
> 2 days after she got back from that trip I asked her if she had worked through what she needed to. She broke down and said that we were over. I was in shock but also realised that we had drifted further apart since the initial discussion and couldn't find myself to disagree.
> This was all 2 weeks ago and she is moving out this weekend. We have arranged to share the girls 1 week on 1 week off with them staying with me first. Things between us had been a little awkward but no fights or anything like that. I just felt empty and didn't know why I wasn't sad or angry or relieved
> ...


1) Save the messages as screenshots.
2) See an attorney now and draft divorce papers. Include she cannot relocate the kids until custody is decided. The divorce papers should also include specific detailed instructions on visitation. Since she has moved demand child support and money to pay the shared mortgage. 
3) Have her served the divorce papers and contact the other woman on the same day. Don't assume the other man can't see her FB and control it. Hire a PI if you have to get real contact details. If the other woman demands proof send the screenshots.
4) Cancel all joint credit cards - at least have your name removed. Do this asap.
5) Move any shared account money into your own account that she cannot access. 

Your wife does not own the kids. The magistrate will determine what is in their best interests. She cannot dictate when you can see them or not. Do not dawdle on these instructions. You have to serve her first and keep her off balance. You want to control the momentum Under no circumstances let her remove the children from the home(unless it is too late). Consider filing a emergency order to bar that.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Any update Eric ? Hope you are coping and doing as advised by the others here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hope you saved the info and sent it to yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> You've already asked her several times and just got lied too.
> 
> Don't confront ths time, instead contact the other mans partner and report the affair.
> 
> Then stay quiet and wait for her to confront you.


Do this now!!!!
:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you seen a solicitor who specialises in child custody cases?

This must be a priority for you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Want to protect the girls? Make sure that they know you love them and will always be there for them. They come first and let them know that. 

The other thing I would do is when you confront your wife would be to have the kids at their grandparents house of a friend so their out of earshot of the confrontation. When the Mrs comes home you should have her bags packed and tell her the she's free to leave and don't turn around while walking to the car because the only thing she'll see is the door closing.


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