# Charge young adult to come home weekends



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Step family issue. My son is 18 and works out of town during the week. He likes to come home Friday evening - Saturday and leaves Sunday evening. He will shower, eat and do one or two loads of laundry. My husband wants to charge him $25 a weekend. I believe in paying monetary rent when he's here full time, but $25 a weekend? Thoughts?
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would not do that, are you tight on money? Maybe ask him to buy soap and some groceries. If he was your husbands bio son would he still do this?
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

mablenc said:


> I would not do that, are you tight on money? Maybe ask him to buy soap and some groceries. If he was your husbands bio son would he still do this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He says yes but I doubt it. I think it's stupid. No money not tight.
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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> Step family issue. My son is 18 and works out of town during the week. He likes to come home Friday evening - Saturday and leaves Sunday evening. He will shower, eat and do one or two loads of laundry. My husband wants to charge him $25 a weekend. I believe in paying monetary rent when he's here full time, but $25 a weekend? Thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd tell your H to forget it... Ain't happening!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would never do this to my kids or my potential step kids. Sounds mean.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I wouldn't do that to my kids. Seems petty and mean.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I think it is BS. Great way to lose connection to your child, regardless 18 is still a child. 

I could not imagine charging my/his kid to come home on the weekend. Outside of buying his own soap but really 1-2 loads is nothing. I assume he buys his own clothes, gas and whatever, so his cost is minimal. If he is a good non trouble causing kid trying to become an adult, I would welcome the free visits.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Decent kid. Held job since age 12. No drugs, no alcohol (not allowed since near- fatal head injury last year). Lost 2months senior year due to recovery and still managed to catch upand graduate high school on time. Bought own truck - cash. Pays gas, insurance, cell phone. Good big brother and respectful child. Cheap but saving for house. No partying - decent kid - well respected by employers and adults.
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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> Decent kid. Held job since age 12. No drugs, no alcohol (not allowed since near- fatal head injury last year). Lost 2months senior year due to recovery and still managed to catch upand graduate high school on time. Bought own truck - cash. Pays gas, insurance, cell phone. Good big brother and respectful child. Cheap but saving for house. No partying - decent kid - well respected by employers and adults.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is your husband always this big a jerk? If I were your son and you went along with this I wouldn't bother communicating with you any more. I hope you put your foot down to your husband.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Nucking Futs said:


> Is your husband always this big a jerk? If I were your son and you went along with this I wouldn't bother communicating with you any more. I hope you put your foot down to your husband.


Foot is down. No way in hell agreeing to that. No charge.
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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

He sounds like a realllllly good kid...excuse me...young man.

He comes there to be with you and see you - really not different from a kid coming home from college.

I'd be figuring out why in the world your husband wants to create a rift with your son. Is he jealous? (grow up step-dad) I get the feeling that something else is percolating underneath this.

If worse came to worse......and you give in to the husband...take $25 and then open a savings account and sock it in there for your son...whenever he needs cash in the future take from there (it was his to begin with)...an idea

Good Luck - it sounds like your son has overcome many obstacles that would have stopped others in their tracks.....he should be REWARDED for making good choices, for persevering, for all those wonderful things you mentioned. He isn't a deadbeat.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> Foot is down. No way in hell agreeing to that. No charge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's just down right petty! If he was a mooch loser dropout that's one thing but he is almost too straight and narrow.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The only thing I would tell your son is if you guys go out to eat tell him to offer to pay his meal then hubby can't say anything.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Not a perfect kid - but never a mooch. Make decision last year (while drunk) to hop in with drunk driver. Was in coma for a week, 90% chance of never waking up. Less than 1% chance of living normal life (not in a care home). Defied all odds. Back in school 2 months a 1 week after accident. Returned to work shortly after. Near 100% recovery. When tough always remained grateful and positive- never felt sorry for himself. Forgave driver and owned his own part in being so drunk and making poor decision. Doing classroom presentations on dangers of drinking and driving to try and stop it happening to someone else. Pretty proud of who he is. Lots of attention on him- might be step dads issue.
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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Not many teens 'like' to come home - so welcome him with open arms and no charges! Years go by so fast - he'll remember your support. 

Make sure the issue doesn't fester with your husband as it may affect the atmosphere when your son is there. 

Congratulations - he sounds like a son any parent would be proud of.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Decent kid. Held job since age 12. No drugs, no alcohol (not allowed since near- fatal head injury last year). Lost 2months senior year due to recovery and still managed to catch upand graduate high school on time. Bought own truck - cash. Pays gas, insurance, cell phone. Good big brother and respectful child. Cheap but saving for house. No partying - decent kid - well respected by employers and adults.


It sounds like you have a great young man in the making who is doing what he should be doing.

So hell no, do not charge him to come home on weekends. It's a great chance to bridge the empty nest syndrome and show your son support. With his head injury he most likely needs extra support. 

Does your husband have children? How does he treat them?


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Sorry if you mentioned this, but how did this come up in conversation from your husband and what are his reasons for wanting to do it (seeing as you guys aren't in need of money and your son isn't mooching off you)?

What is the relationship like between your son and husband since they were introduced to each other?

There seems to be a level to this we're not seeing here.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

No way - your husband is being a Class A jerk about this. Does he get along with your son?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Is It Just Me said:


> Sorry if you mentioned this, but how did this come up in conversation from your husband and what are his reasons for wanting to do it (seeing as you guys aren't in need of money and your son isn't mooching off you)?
> 
> What is the relationship like between your son and husband since they were introduced to each other?
> 
> There seems to be a level to this we're not seeing here.


We had discussed when my son comes home in fall he would pay a small amount (like 200 a month or 100 and some groceries). At that point, he would be an adult and working full-time. I'm fine with that. Big boy, working construction, lots of dirty clothes, showers and eats like a horse. He's fine with that too. When it came up my son wanted to come for a weekend all of a sudden someone pro-rated the amount to 25 plus own groceries. Said we don't want to be in the hole from him but don't want to earn off him. Ok but that is ridiculous. Says I just hand life to him and spoil him and don't make him hold up to our deal. It makes no sense. I even figured out water as an estimate to $1 a day per person. If he bought his own detergent and own food - where does $25 go to? Just stomps his feet when I try to discuss. I wasn't against him contributing, but he has no interest in discussing, so it has become 25 or I am against him. I do think it's mental disorder. He loves my son and told our little ones in front of my older boy that if they grew up like him, he'd be proud. I go from best wife in the world to sneaky and against him. Unhappy with himself so takes it out on everyone. This morning, I made omelets. He comes storming in the kitchen calling me gutless for not making him some. I pointed out his plate warming on the stove. He then says it was too small of an amount. Just a whole huge dynamic that probably has everything to do with him being angry at himself and the world and nothing to do with 25 a week.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Right off the hop, my H was the greatest guy ever. But it's like after we married, he expected the family to mould around him instead of give and take to co-exist. He is very cruel when mad and a bully. He is trying to manipulate me in to getting his way by saying I treat my son better than my daughter and she would not think I was fair. I asked her in all honesty (believe me, she's honest) and says that isn't the case. She says they are treated different, but because my son is a pleaser and she is confrontational. So that isn't it. It's like we are the best. My son is tough, well liked, good body, hard worker, good saver one day and a sneak using us the next. I go from the best wife ever - great mom, smart, his perfect dream to a sneak that treats my son well because he's spitting image of his dad and I secretly want him. And I neglect our boys because I did not bath the one night when they fell asleep early. He is like that with his parents, his daughter - hasn't been with our boys yet, but he's starting to bully our 5 year old and I have had to put a stop to that. I told him if he ever called him those derogatory names again, I would pack his stuff and throw him out. He hasn't done that since. His redeeming qualities? When he's in a dark mood - none.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I suspect too. Mental disorder. He has gone to counselling, but only to the point where he tells his story. When it comes time to do the actual work, he quits. He has done so 3 times. Then throws in my face that he's done counselling. Really? The last two years of high school, my son would take first morning spare so he could watch his brothers (now 5 and 3) because I started work at 8 and H worked til 9. He never asked for pay - he just had a more expensive data plan and his cell. Well my H often says that watching the boys is no big deal and if it is he doesn't have to do it. It never was a big deal. My son didn't expect a daily thank you or cash - he just wanted it recognized that we are parents - he is kid, it isn't something he had to do - just appreciation would have been nice. Not even appreciation, but not acting like it wasn't anything. Geez for first 3 months of preschool, other parents thought I was a cougar because they saw only me or my son picking up our 5 year old and they thought HE was the dad.
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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Research Borderline Personality Disorder


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Your husband sounds narcissistic and mean. Problem is that the more mean/bullying/emotionally abusive he gets the further away emotionally you AND ALL the children will become of him.

"Told his story and then stopped counseling" classic

Man - hearing this stuff really is a deterrent to ever getting married again lol

I wonder HOW LONG IS THE HONEYMOON period when the significant other is on their best behavior still wooing you and not letting you see their bad/dark sides?

Hmm I'm thinking a long CAR trip somewhere where little nuisances will pop up and see how they handle it.....might be good little snippit of how they REALLY are.


Anyway, I would put the children before this Jerkhole.

He is this way with his parents and daughter.......You do know that Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. 

I hope your venting made you feel a bit better.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you did a GREAT job with your son. He's hardworking, has good values, loves and cares for his siblings. you sound proud of him, as you should be. It's a miracle he is alive.

If he graduated from HS and was living with you full-time and had a job, then yes - I think to instill responsibility into him and start being an adult, it would not be unreasonable to charge his some $$. But it is incredibly petty to charge him $25 a weekend. It's crazy. It's a joke. Your husband's rationale is really pathetic.

I'm sure you and the little kids are happy to see him on the weekends. It's nice that he still wants to come home and visit. If you charged him, as you know, the dynamic would change and he would not feel welcomed anymore. I would not endanger your relationship with him for the world. He sounds a lot more stable than your husband.

He calls you gutless for not making him an omelet then back tracks that it's not big enough? That reminds me of my 9 year old this week. He literally cried because he thought his brother got the bigger half of the omelet.

What does he add to your family?


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

I spent 7 years acting as a referee between my ex hub and my son (his stepfather). Both have now gone (son to college in UK). Son resents the fact that I didn't leave my ex. and no longer speaks to me. (but had 3 smaller children and son takes a very simplistic view of things). 
BPD is a possibility. Or plain old jealousy - (middle aged guy sees young guy starting out in life etc etc )

But either way my heart goes out to you as stuck in the middle (when you have children with your husband too) is a very lonely place to be.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree that it sounds as if your husband may have a personality disorder, but I'm going to look at this from a slightly different perspective:

Some people would feel that charging $25 a weekend is petty. I'd probably agree with them. On the other hand, your son's perspective and how he adapts to such things is also part of the equation. It seems he is pretty easy going for the most part. If he'd shrug and think "no big deal, since I make plenty of money," then it might be best to go with your husband's plan rather than let this foster resentment. Same if you can "charge" him but reimburse him yourself in secret. You could also tell your husband you will agree to his plan, but only if he agrees with a plan of your own to give son a certain allowance each month that would cover his "rent." You can remind your husband that you would not dream of charging his parents or siblings for visiting on a weekend, for instance, and that you will treat your son as a grown family member who hasn't yet achieved the means to do his own laundry...progressing to adulthood but not yet perfect in it. 

Or you can just say no and let hubs get happy again on his own. You aren't responsible for where his thoughts take him. If he wants to see it as you vs. him, he can. If he doesn't want to experience that, then he can learn to be more cooperative. His call, not yours.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You can remind your husband that you would not dream of charging his parents or siblings for visiting on a weekend, for instance, and that you will treat your son as a grown family member who hasn't yet achieved the means to do his own laundry...progressing to adulthood but not yet perfect in it. 


Very good point and logical AND compassionate thinking Kathy


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I would charge my adult kids if they decided to stay at home after high school and weren't enrolled. Don't see much wrong with it except that there probably wouldn't be as big a deal made of it if he wasnt a step-father. Pretty reasonable price for utilities and what the normal 18 year old male eats.
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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I go from the best wife ever - great mom, smart, his perfect dream to a sneak that treats my son well because he's spitting image of his dad and I secretly want him.


GG, you are describing the black-white thinking we talked about in your "Punching Bag" thread in April 2012. As I noted then, many of the behaviors you describe are classic BPD traits.


> Just a whole huge dynamic that probably has everything to do with him being angry at himself and the world and nothing to do with 25 a week.


I agree with you that this is about his jealousy of the attention you show your son (especially during your son's recent hospitalization) and has NOTHING to do with being compensated for food, hot water, and laundry powder. There are hundreds of millions of adults like me who would practically kill to have an 18 year old son WANTING to come home on weekends to be with us.

If your H has strong BPD traits as you suspected last year, the jealousy you describe is typical. My BPDer exW, for example, absolutely hated my foster son and she even was jealous of my love and affection for her own children. As you already know so well, BPDers have a great fear of abandonment and that fear distorts their perceptions of their spouses' intentions and motivations.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

My son lived at home and worked full time the year after high school, and I didn't charge him any rent.
We had a deal. If he saved his money, no rent. If he was spending all of it, he could pay rent.

He saved enough in one year to put a down payment on his own house. 

It was our deal, but everyone had an opinion on it. Thought he should have been paying rent if he was working full time. 

My thoughts were.. . I wish I had such a chance growing up. He has a lifetime of paying his own bills to look forward to. I couldn't afford to buy him a house, but I could certainly afford to let him live there and learn how to save and budget his money. He learned more this way, I found out. 

What did I learn by paying rent if I was working? That I was never going to make enough money to save for a down payment, it takes two incomes to survive (one saves, one pays the bills) and I couldn't ever really figure out what my parents needed the money for, when suddenly me turning 18 meant they couldn't afford to do what they did when I was in high school (and that cost more money!). 

He still saves like a frugal.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I wouldn't charge my son for spending weekends with me, and certainly not a teenage son. I'd just be grateful that he still wants to return to the nest 

Charging your son for staying with you on weekends could send the message that now he's a working man he's no longer welcome in your home...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My parents didn't do it to me or my brothers. They just loved us way too much!

The same goes for me! I love my college-aged sons beyond measure! They are welcome home anytime!

The only thing that would get them immediately booted would be if I found illegal drugs on them, which they're too responsible and moral to ever think about doing!

There is also the preclusion of having either their male or female friends stay in the house with them, as there is the standing assumption that they already have access to homes of their own.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hes 18 not 28. Good grief.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That's really cold! I don't charge anyone who lives here. Not unless the kids refuse to work or college once they are of age. Weekend rent is ridiculous. 

Would your husband rather have his son unsafe sleeping in a car?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I know TWO parents that not only let their early twenties daughters live at home WITH their boyfriends.

Sounds bizarre right. (Note these are multi year boy friends) Well I am pretty good friends with one. His reasoning.

She comes home. She's warm she's safe she's dry and she lives in one hella better neighborhood than she would on her own. She's gonna be fvcking him anyway. The rule is "I dont wanna hear it" and she is good about keeping it tame enough he doesnt hear it. He recently became a widower and is grateful for the company. BOTH win.

Her rent is zero. She is going into Senior year in college. Like a 3.8 or something GPA.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Sounds like your husband could perceive he is being taken advantage of/not getting attention he thinks he deserves. I use perceive because if I'm correct that is how he sees it not necessarily how it really is. If you two can communicate I'd ask him what is really bothering him (maybe he wants a weekend alone with you--I don't know your situation), Does he like your son in general?

You could take another approach and ask your Husband to go away together with you for a weekend night or the entire weekend once/month. 

I'm a step mom who has a 24 year old son with autism living with us and sometimes you just want privacy even if your son is not being a problem. My stepson and his girlfriend have moved in here since their December graduation. Not that they are all bad and annoying its just that I know I feel a bit more free in my house when they are away.

Good luck!


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