# I wasted 9 years of my life on an unloving husband!



## tcunloved

I am sure that I am not alone, but I feel like I am all alone! I wanted so badly to grow old with my husband, but I realize now that he doesn't love me, at least not the way I think love should be! 

He never comes home half the time and always chooses his friends over our family, we never have anything like family time, and never do anything together. He also can look me straight in the eye and LIE to me, I just found out a few weeks ago that he has had a secret cell phone that i didnt know about, for 2 years, I found the cell phone package at that time but he fed me another lie and I who always wanted to think the best of him, would eventually believe him or let it go cause even when he has been caught red handed, he will argue and scream that it was someone else, he has never admitted anything to me, somehow it always ends up being my fault, and if I get upset about us, it pisses him off to the point where he has been physically violent! He has already mentally abused me by never wanted to be with me and making me feel like I am a nothing, but now when I want him the most and need him the most, he gets worse, I have had 10 bloody noses, 4 black eyes and been choked so many times I am surprised that I am still here. the last time he choked me I blacked out! I used to be a very strong willed independent woman, had great confidence and always had a great high paying job. I hurt my back a year and a half ago and haven't been able to go back to work yet, so I already feel like a nothing, but he makes it worse, he never shows me love and tells me all the time that he dont know how to be good to me but it is so easy for him to be so evil and mean, even when I am trying to give love and show him how mmuch I care he only wants to hurt me, then he will take off, I am not allowed to know his friends and have never been asked or invited to go anywhere with him, and as far as sex, we have sex maybe twice a year, if I am lucky and if I start it up, he swears he's not cheating, but then why am I not able to be a part of his other life. I know I need to let him go, I just don't really know how, cause I have never been put this far down, and since for the first time in my life I have no job and no income, I feel like I have no choice but to stay, I just cant believe I kept trying this long, now all i feel like is a nothing, I have no self esteem, no confidence I feel like a nothing! But I am sick and tired of him doing me this way, I always hope and pray that he will one day realize what he has and come home and finally act like a husband and father should, but he gets worse instead! I have even prayed to GOD to please help me stop loving him, cause I never get love back from him and since I am miserable and depressed all the time, I don't give my kids the time they need, and I just totally shut my family out, cause I am so embarrassed, I am 36 and more miserable in my life now then I have ever been!


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## Syrum

I actually don't think you really love him. You are in love with the idea of a good relationship with him, and in love with the idea of him being the man he either was when you first met or the man you really want him to be.

He will *never* ever be that man.

If you stay another day, week or year, you will still be in the same position you are in now. When you do leave and start to live again you will wonder why you stayed so long, even that extra day will feel like such a waste.

If you have wasted 9 years why waste another day?

It seems scary to do new things and particularly to go out on your because you are in fact used to and somewhat comfortable in this bad situation, that the alternative seems scary and lonely. But it's not nothing is more lonely and scary then being with an abusive person.

Also he has been physically violent, has choked you and I think TAM member unbelievable posted a link to say that the risk of death to women was quite high is her partner had been violent and particularly if he had choked her in the past.

He does not value you, love you cherish you, care about you or feel empathy for you in any way shape or form. You are risking your life, wasting it and torturing yourself by staying.

You deserve much better and you can't start living your new life untill YOU make the move and decide to do it.

You can do it, you are stronger then you think. You have survived this long in an terribly abusive relationship, if you can make 9 years in such an awful place, you sure as hell can make it out on your own.


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## trying4forever

I'm sorry you are going through this. leave! you are worth more! I think your bills will be less stressful than what he is putting you through. WISH YOU THE BEST! BE STRONG!


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## PBear

Here's my thoughts, as if my daughter was in your situation... The first incident of physical violence would be the last. And no matter how old she was, I'd do anything I can to support her in getting out of that situation. No blame or embarrassment at all. Just support and love.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Get yourself out. 
You might not be earning income right now but you can do something for yourself that's invaluable nevertheless. The things you are saying about yourself are dangerous to believe, those are the things that are keeping you there, not your H.
Trust me on this. Brainwashing becomes really dangerous when you take over the job yourself.


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## BigToe

Easier said than done, but you need to leave that marriage.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Taking the first step is the most difficult, certainly.
But I think that the OP is a resourceful and competent woman.
Once she makes a decision to leave, she will rally, much to her own surprise.


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## Halien

When you are at your lowest, and in a hopeless situation, that first step does seem so daunting. Once you make it, however, and give yourself a short time of rest, every single move you make begins to restore the independent person you were. Hopefully, you have family or friends you can reach out to, in order to take your hand and help you in that decision to leave. And, don't be surprised if he realizes that he's made a mistake. Sadly, though, with his type, so much of this is just based on having someone who can attend to the details in the home, and his fear of losing that.

I wish you well. Just remember that this independent part of you is what led you to reach out to this group. Post again, or even PM some of the ones who have replied in a way that touched you. Once that urge to leave finally finds words, it usually doesn't go away.


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