# Spiraling



## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

My husband feels that I put more effort and thought into my occupation making it successful, however, feels that he is playing second fiddle making our marriage unsuccessful. He is very type A, aggressive, and a go getter. When with him, I am very passive and seemingly all thumbs. It seems that I am continually intimidated by him presence and admittedly fumble and mess up even the simplest of tasks and conversations. However, at work, I thrive, succeed, and am a leader. 

He is tired of not getting what he says he needs; I don't know how to begin to fix what I lack. I try and fail. Being reminded of my failures as a wife is something that I hear daily. If anyone has advice on how to begin again, I would welcome ideas. Everything that I have tried, I have failed somehow. I feel that we are stuck in a horrible, spiraling, torrent of negativity, manipulation, and resentment.

I have gone to three different marriage counselors by myself. My husband tried one many years ago. I get frustrated because with each counselor, it seems that I portray to them the 'battered wife syndrome' and do not receive advice on what I can do to make ME better. This has not resulted with any positivity from my husband. Sometimes, it just seems that there is too much......I am getting too tired and of course feel like the failure. I'm scared and yes quite a bit 'beat down' because I am told that I do nothing right as a wife.

Help? Advice? Books? I'm all ears.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Try not to talk to him for a few days.

Go home from work... be satisfied that you knew you did a good day's job. 

Then, start small.. Do one Item he wants done.. Try to do it well.. & then bake him one a his fav. desserts. When he tries to talk negatively & "beat you down", ignore it. Walk out of the room. Then go back to what you were doing. If he tries again, say "I'm not feeling well, I can't talk now. I need to finish with this (making dinner/ laundry/ cleaning the bathroom) right now." 

Again, if he starts with belittling comments, walk out of room. 
Maybe, after a few days, He'll start putting it together that you are not sticking around to hear his negative comments.

If you have to.. do you have a friends house you can go to? or a relative? Just incase you have to leave the house for an hour or two to get away from negativity?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

mavie said:


> He is tired of not getting what he says he needs; I don't know how to begin to fix what I lack.
> Help? Advice? Books? I'm all ears.


What does he say he needs that you are not giving?
A book about what Men generally need is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".... Another book is The 5 Love Languages

It's not clear exactly if you do not know what your husband needs vs your husband not communcating what he needs vs your husband being mean and not acknowleding what it is you are doing.

Men generally need to be sexually fulfilled and admired by their woman.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

What does he say he needs? Take with lots of grains of salt - but if 3 MC's see "battered wife", then he is abusive. Which is his problem, not yours. Yours is getting out and not taking the abuse. Depending on how long this has been going on, you may need to seriously get used to the idea that he won't change and prepare yourself to act in your own best interests.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> What does he say he needs that you are not giving?
> A book about what Men generally need is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".... Another book is The 5 Love Languages
> 
> It's not clear exactly if you do not know what your husband needs vs your husband not communcating what he needs vs your husband being mean and not acknowleding what it is you are doing.
> ...


:iagree:

I agree, read the books Hicks recomended. I'll add "His Needs, Her Needs"

Here's a link where you can both take a Five Love Languages;

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Three MCs? Don't doubt your self, Get him in front of a councilor and find out if that's true.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Thank you Chelle. Many of your suggestions, I have tried. My happy place is in the kitchen cooking. I have thought it to be a wonderful, comforting thing to greet my hubby after a long day, surprising him with his favorite treat or meals. This has been taken as being manipulative and selfish. He doesn't want me to be cheerful and happy when he comes home, especially if he doesn't 'respond' as open and thankful - he says I turn ugly. Honestly, after this has happened so often, I still don't understand or know how I turn ugly. I know that I regress....alot. Essentially, he says he doesn't need food or treats to make him happy, they are nothing to him but concrete 'things'. 

I have tried the approach where I politely say, 'I don't choose to talk about this now", again, this isn't meeting HIS needs. I instinctively become quiet or think about the things he says and am accused of ignoring him or manipulating that into what he believes to mean, "screw you, I don't care about you". 

It's just gotten so bad that when it's good, it can never be enjoyed because the reality that I will screw something up in the upcoming days or weeks completely erase all 'good' that has been done. He says that it's a cycle of how I don't care and how I can fake it for a few weeks before the true me comes out. The me that doesn't care for him. Unfortunately, the triggers for these reactions are so minute anymore. Something as simple as asking him a question that I had asked earlier in the week, or forgetting to recharge a battery, or forgetting to buy an item at the grocery store. 

Now, I feel that old sense of guilt that came with each and every therapy session. This post seems to be turning into a poor me instead of how I can help to give him what he needs.

I really need to learn to listen and give him the time, consideration, and respect that he desires. I need to learn to let go of my anger and resentment for how I 'feel' that I am treated in order to try to move forward with him.

ug, what a sad mess.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

He is VERY clear and vocal about what I don't do for him. In fact he will say, "What have you ever done for me? What have you given me? and my favorite, "What have you done for this marriage?" I have taken you and shown you everything, you have done nothing for me but to have been a leach and a taker. 

When I have suggested things or an activity, he has dismissed the ideas or called them thoughtless attempts at making him happy. 

He says he wants someone who can 'take care of him' who can 'bring something to this marriage' he is 'tired of carrying the burden of this family and marriage' he wants 'someone who can do something for him'. I have acknowledged these wants over the years and have tried, to his opinion have failed. I have even gone as far to point blank ask, 'What can I do for you? Tell me how, what I need to do." His response is a gruff and disgusted, 'If I have to tell you more, it means nothing, all it means is that you don't care enough to figure it out.' 

Lately, he has been negatively referring to my work and success there telling me that he hoped that I would get a clue as to how this is a decision that I am making because I can obviously flourish when I am not around him. Honestly, I have thought of my work as a life outside the home. Now, recently, I have negative feelings about my work because of what he says and how I have made those decisions. 

I have read Love & Respect by Eggerichs - done a book study on the 5 Love Languages and recently purchased Gary Chapman's Desparate Marriages. I will also check out His Needs Her Needs.

Thank you.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds like he is going thru something that you alone, probably can't help him with.

I don't know it all, But what I'm reading between the lines... He probably needs professional help. Sounds like he would refuse it.

Maybe, one time when He starts up with the negativity, sit down, take a pad of paper with you & a pen, turn to him, look him in the eye & say "I'd really love to get this better between us. I don't really want to fight anymore. Can you please be specific on items that I can/ or need to improve on? If I do something that you've asked & I do it "the wrong way"... please be specific on what I can do to make it "the wright way". ..."

Then give him the pen and paper.
Ask him to make two lists.
One list on things you do that he likes, or that you "do correctly"... ie, things that please him.
One list on things he wants you to improve on. Things he wishes you did differntly.. Things he feels you don't do at all.

They can be ANY type of things. (ie, how he wants his sandwiches made... when He wants his laundry done... How he wishes you'd be more agressive sexually... ) WHATEVER he wants to write about.
Tell him he has no limit on the lists. They can be as long as he wants.

Then, ask if he can please mark the top 5 or 10 items that are most important to him on making the relationship better.

After a week, bring out the list & talk about the top two items. Ask if he is noticing any difference with those two items? If greatness happening with two.. go onto the next two items.

The following week, work on the next 3 items... THEN, that week ask if he can "re-do" the lists. Etc. 

(ie, In a way, you are being a slight counselor to him, because you are forcing him to address items that are upsetting him. You are getting him to write out some of his problems.) - Many psychologists use some kind of writing therapy. If the person doesn't seem to be the journal writing type , they use lists a lot.

Of course, they know what type of lists to ask for (ie, separating happy lists from anger/sad/frustrating lists), & how to address the problems on the lists. I don't.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mavie said:


> I have gone to three different marriage counselors by myself. I get frustrated because with each counselor, it seems that I portray to them the 'battered wife syndrome' and do not receive advice on what I can do to make ME better.


So basically he's abusive and you're upset that you can't be something you're not to stop it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay, reading your 3rd post... tells me he is a very unhappy person.
When he gets gruff & says "if he tells you more, then it means nothing, that it means you don't care enough to figure it out".

That is telling me HE doesn't even know what would make him happy. 

He is putting all his unhappiness onto you & is expecting you to make him happy. It just will never work that way. He needs to confront his own demons & is not wanting to. He wants someone else to "make it all better".

When he comes back & says you don't care enough to figure it out. Tell him, "No, I DO care. I DO want this relationship to get better. I DO want you to be happy. But, clearly,.... I am not able to do it on my own, I have tried for X number of years. I obviously need your help to figure out how to make you happy." Please... make me these lists.. etc, etc.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

I like your list idea. If I can approach him on this, I will try it out. As far as me telling him that 'I DO want, I DO and WANT is what he hears and tells me that he is so sick of hearing those words because they are selfish and hold no meaning to him. He has many times referred to the fact that I have no friends, because I am not a good friend, I have nothing to offer to anyone, especially him. 

So yes, Mavash, I am angry that I can't change things. I feel contradicted because I feel completely inadequate. One time I had made the mistake of saying the abused word. Now, every single time we argue, he makes a mockery of it, saying, "Oh dear but you are so ABUSED that you can't even see my message." Then feels that he justifies it by saying, "Yes I am extremely hard on you, but I am honest and upfront and I am the one who can communicate, you (meaning me) are the passive aggressive one who sits back 'abused' and 'cute' and thinking screw everything that I need."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I say this with all the love in my heart I can muster.

You my dear are being abused and there is nothing absolutely nothing you can do to make this better. He is mean and has no idea how to relate to another human being. You are nothing but property to him and a verbal punching bag. This is his problem and it will continue until you get sick enough of it to decide to stop it.

The only thing you can improve is your self confidence so you can learn to stand up to him as he's nothing but a common bully.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I say this with all the love in my heart I can muster.
> 
> You my dear are being abused and there is nothing absolutely nothing you can do to make this better. He is mean and has no idea how to relate to another human being. You are nothing but property to him and a verbal punching bag. This is his problem and it will continue until you get sick enough of it to decide to stop it.
> 
> The only thing you can improve is your self confidence so you can learn to stand up to him as he's nothing but a common bully.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

This is the conclusion every one comes to. It makes me feel absolutely horrible. When do you know enough is enough? We have talked about divorce, it always ends up a sad note that I am causing this because I dont care enough. How do you start and go through the process. We have 2 small children, I am a teacher, I feel that I have nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Abra said:


> Try a 180.


How so? If i stand up for myself, i am a contrary ****!!. If i dont respond i am a smug ****. i have suggested separation and divorce and he somehow makes me feel like i can fight for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Thank you! One thing I continually feel that I am doing is diffusing and walking on eggshells!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mavie said:


> I am told that I do nothing right as a wife.


Is this a direct quote or is this what you feel he said?

Judging someone to have done "nothing right" is pretty harsh. Any reasonable person would admit that almost everyone has at least one redeeming virtue.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Is this a direct quote or is this what you feel he said?


This is a direct quote. I don' t "do the things a partner needs, emotionally i am a burden, draining". The wifely "duties" around the home as in cleaning cooking etc, sexual relationship is also good-something I know he needs and I try to put effort into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

mavie said:


> This is a direct quote. I don' t "do the things a partner needs, emotionally i am a burden, draining". The wifely "duties" around the home as in cleaning cooking etc, sexual relationship is also good-something I know he needs and I try to put effort into.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is very careful to list what I am not good at or careless with but also says that things that I do fine, doesn't mean anything to him. It's the emotional needs that I don't meet for him. Does that clarify a bit better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Lately, he has been negatively referring to my work and success there telling me that he hoped that I would get a clue as to how this is a decision that I am making because I can obviously flourish when I am not around him.


The reason you flourish when you are not around him is because you don't have him around beating you down then. HE is the problem, not you.

And you just wanting to try harder and harder to please him is 1) a losing battle as he cannot be pleased, and 2) is very much part of the battered wife syndrome your 3 counselors talked with you about. You can't live your life walking on eggshells all the time, and you can't change yourself to be better for him because nothing and no one will ever be right in his mind. Nothing you do will change this.

If you want your life to improve, then leave him so that you can flourish on your own instead of living like a dog that doesn't know when its owner will choose to kick him.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

There is a difference between making efforts to be a good wife/partner, doing things for your spouse....and feeling like you must change your entire personality for someone. 

And even then he would find fault....

He is being very controlling, it is mental/emotional abuse, and is very unfair because he cannot be clear about what he says he needs from you...

It could be that you are just incompatible as partners. You cannot spend your life trying to be the perfect person to please him, especially when he cant tell you what that is!

I suggest saying to him "until you can articulate what the problems actually are between us, i am just going to be me and I refuse to become an emotional wreck trying to figure out what you want. If i don't please you IN ANY WAY as a wife, why would YOU want to stay married to ME? I am not a mind reader".

He must have liked you enough to marry you, what changed (in his mind, not necessarily in reality).

If i had to change my entire way of being to please my husband...there's something very wrong with HIM. Or...we just shouldn't be together.

Consider that he could have serious emotional issues himself, and he is the one who needs professional help!

You and your kids deserve better than this. Talk to a divorce lawyer just to find out what is involved in case it gets that bad.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

mavie said:


> Lately, he has been negatively referring to my work and success there telling me that he hoped that I would get a clue as to how *this is a decision that I am making *because I can obviously flourish when I am not around him.


The fact that he can accuse you of making a decision to do any of this stuff 'on purpose' is just ridiculous, i hope you can see that.

He has a lot of issues HE needs to address. You both need to go to MC together if anything is ever going to improve...but that would need him to admit he also has issues, and he sounds far too arrogant to do that.

How is your sex life with him? Don't tell me, he says you mess that up too....

Do you even want to have sex with him when he treats you like this?


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Sex is fine. He has mentioned that I didn't initiate enough, but I have really been working on that. I have tried to put our issues aside and try to enjoy each other at that time. It's not the easiest thing to put myself into a sexual situation when I know how angry he is and how he says I make him feel. However, at the time, he is in a good place and I relish in that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You are doing all this work to make the marriage better.

What's he doing?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mavie said:


> He is very careful to list what I am not good at or careless with but also says that things that I do fine, doesn't mean anything to him. It's the emotional needs that I don't meet for him. Does that clarify a bit better?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. This looks to me like dysfunctional communication along with unmet expectations and some confusion over what to expect from each other in the marriage relationship. 

I doesn't look like he's very satisfied and I'm sure you are hurting. Maybe you two could consider attending some kind of marriage education seminar where you could both get on the same page regarding respectful communication, honoring each other and dealing with life's inevitable disappointments. There may also be some maturity issues that need to be brought up regarding owning one's feelings and exercising self control with one's words


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Even if there are 50/50 issues in the marriage, abusive behavior is never acceptable. 

OP, it's really hard to recognize abuse when it's happening to you. If you have a safe area that can be hidden or PW protected, you might want to keep a journal and report to it when an incident happens at home, and/or even just the dread you have walking in the door. The journal is just for you. You might appreciate having it as you work through this.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

I thank everyone for their insights and advice. You have all made extremely valid points and have made suggestions that I will try. 

I really feel it necessary to make a statement on behalf of my husband. I don't like to talk about our situation to people, I stay away from the topic with my friends, and I hate to talk to the counselors about it. Our marriage is riddled with problems, current and past issues seem to forever haunt our hope of having a positive, wonderful relationship. I have at times succumb to the poor me syndrome, aren't I abused, etc. etc. Right now, I want to stand up and say that I am trying to ask for help to improve our marriage not to beat down or bash my husband. 

When I talk about our relationship and specifics, it seems that I am married to a monster. Sometimes I have honestly thought the very same but in reality, he's not a monster, he, like us all, have issues and demons to deal with. As I look through the past 20 years, I can see where there has been change and my husband isn't the person he had been in the past. He has made some changes, even though it seems from the recent posts and conversations that I have listed, that he is a hardened person. In a sense, he is hardened, but I really believe that he is just as miserable as I am. 

I know in my heart that he is trying to tell me what he needs. I of course don't like his delivery and get my dander and attitude up until I bust. I feel that I am the one who just doesn't get it or understand. I think sometimes that it's his presentation that I am so offended by. I know that I cringe often when he comes home because I just don't know what is going to come of the conversation or evening. I know that I can't change him or his actions. I pray everyday for the knowledge to understand and I am here asking how to learn about his needs. 

This statement may seem somewhat contradictory to the comment that I had made earlier about our thoughts on divorce. Divorce seems to be constantly running through my mind lately, but I don't want that to be the answer. I want to make our relationship work. I have a great plenty to work on myself and my needs, also my communication with him (or lack there of). I need to figure out a way to set my emotional responses aside and really listen to what he needs. This is a huge obstacle for me since in a sense, he is verbally abusive. I know in my heart that if I could just hear him and learn about his needs, the verbal repercussions will subside.

Does that make any sense? I'm not here asking for someone to tell me how terrible our marriage is and how abused I am. I'm just asking for someone to give suggestions on how to help me hear him and help us.

Thanks Jeff, I think our prior conversation has inspired me to clarify a few things.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*The reason you flourish when you are not around him is because you don't have him around beating you down then. HE is the problem, not you.*

I was married to a man like that for 23 years. I felt that all the things I did, and I did ALOT.... held no value to him. When I graduated from college (with 5 kids and being a full time babysitter) he said he carried me the whole way (no, it's just the opposite...and I'm still paying off student loans that he benefitted from). When I began teaching full time, carrying insurance for the family, paying bills on time.... he still said "It's not a REAL job. You aren't busting concrete or sweating." I couldn't win. My ex wasn't as belittling as yours, but I certainly never got credit for anything, well only for the bad things (kids messing up or the power company demanding payment...)

I KNEW that no matter how I approached the situation with him... it didn't matter. I was not HEARD. I felt "not good enough" for a while. Why would he deny me a date, but go out with friends? Why would he go to events with other couples but not invite me? It was a HUGE rejection issue to me. 

But Abra has got it right. I did the same thing. It worked for me (just not so much for him). I went to marriage counseling alone (he didn't have a problem, only I did). The counselor told me what I needed to hear, and what I really already knew: "You can stay in this relationship and not be valued or heard. It feels like he has all the power, because you want so badly to be HEARD. But really YOU have power. YOU decide how your future is going to be." (I liked this...because yes, I felt extremely powerless, because I KNEW I couldn't fix this by myself). She also suggested that I give myself a mental timeline, or deadline. To keep working on the marriage, in my own way (which sounds an awful like 180) and to have a Plan B. 

I did. I gave myself one year. I focused on myself and the kids. I didn't ignore H's needs...but I didn't fawn over him, or bend over backwards and put him above the rest of us (which I had previously always done). I instituted family nite (we were going to bond and have fun if it killed us! LOL) we invited him to come every Wednesday (to a movie, shoot pool, water park, something!) and every week he had an excuse not to come. I invited him to come "out" with me... he chose not to. Then he'd be all sad that I went without him. 

After six months, he walked out. He actually snuck out. And we were distanced enough that it took me three freakin days to figure out that he LEFT! How sad is that???? We talked later...he made no sense. Said he couldn't do this anymore. Didn't want to put up with bs from the kids, didn't want to be married/trapped. I was livid...pissed. (which is unusual for me) 

In the long run...HIS loss. I am content in that I did everything I could to make it work. He could have "tried" also, but he never did. The peace that settled over the household when he left was amazing. No more eggshells. Laughter, fun, no worrying about waking up the huge jerk. (Yes, huge jerk was unspoken)

My life has only gotten better and better since the day he left me with 5 teens and a grandbaby at home. He was financially helpful at first, but even then he was stupid about it. He'd call me once a month and ask "Do you need some money this month?" Umm, ya jerk...the amount we agreed on would be good. Sometimes I got it, sometimes I didn't. I did figure out how to get by without depending on him at all. 

If you have no expectations of him being nice, or helpful, or understanding, or appreciative.... you won't be disappointed. 

I know this is long. I guess my point is.... the 180 is for YOU, not for the marriage. It might help the marriage somehow turn around, but if it doesn't ....it at least helps YOU get a grip on your life. You quit letting his crap hurt YOU. You find your worth/value and what it means to you. It's really not all about him. 

It is hard with young kids. They count on you. I think they NEED one parent who is emotionally healthy, able to communicate, and able to control their own life. They need a parent they can count on to be strong and healthy. 

I don't know why our men are like this, or how they got that way .... and in the long run it doesn't really matter HOW or WHY, it matters what you do for YOU. Not what you do for him.


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## mavie (Jun 28, 2012)

Well, I totally get the big jerk thing...we all walk on eggshells. The kids and I seem to have so much fun and laugh, then the mood is deflated because he needs something that I didn't, don't, or can't give him. 
I know where I am at in my life. This is why I seem to live the double life at home/work. I also teach. My husband is not a fan. He is proud and has told me so of my accomplishments and successes but then gets extremely upset at how I can do so well there and fail miserably with him. 

I am at a point where I want to do better for us but Lord am I tired. When I have told him this, he says if I really cared and wanted this, it wouldn't be a struggle, it would come easy, I'm lazy and looking for someone else to blame or solve my problems. I know he's hurt too. Right now it seems like we can't break the walls down to even face each other equally. I'm not sure that he will ever think of me as an equal. It makes me sad.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Does that make any sense? I'm not here asking for someone to tell me how terrible our marriage is and how abused I am. I'm just asking for someone to give suggestions on how to help me hear him and help us.


It's really hard to provide any suggestions on how to help you "hear him out" when all we see is the emotional abuse he heaps upon you, how terrible your marriage is and how beaten down you are. 

Again, he is the one with the problems and he needs to seek help to sort through them to become a healthier person and better partner. 

Why are you so convinced that you need to be fixed? Because that's what he keeps telling you every day. That's abuse, despite what you have been brainwashed (by him) to think.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*
I am at a point where I want to do better for us but Lord am I tired.*

I totally understand this. Way more than I care to explain. 

But... once you let go of what he wants, which appears to be unattainable, then that is one weight lifted. One less thing to make you tired. One less thing to weigh you down. And as you begin being true to yourself, more weights are lifted. You will in fact be energizing yourself, if you can only set yourself in the right direction.

I'm trying to think of some of my coping strategies from that time. They may come off as passive, but I was dealing with a brick wall. Me getting loud and angry wouldn't matter or help, neither would tears or "heart to heart" talks. So I was on my own. 

Ideas:
*
I stopped any and all discussion of the marriage*. (It was fruitless)

*I stopped asking any leading question*s. I did not ask "How was your day?" It sounds rude and cold, but really.... he never inquired how I was and it really took him a long time to realize that I wasn't really interacting with him on a meaningful basis. He did start asking me how I was after a while.... by that time I was on a roll, and was able to say... "Fine, we have no problems, remember?" Which I think confused him. 

Daily life was the same. *I tried not to worry* about where he was, or what he was doing.* I tried not to take it personally* when he rejected me (by not inviting me to come with him somewhere, and I quit asking to be invited).

*I always invited him* to come with me. "I'm going to the movies, you want to come?" He usually said no, so I went alone. 

*I still asked* if he wanted something from the store....but I no longer went to three different stores to find it. 

*I offered up nothing.* If he asked, I was honest. If he didn't like it, not my problem. 

I think the biggest thing is... *I quit letting HIS attitude be my problem.* Somewhere along the line, I quit owning his sh*t. I was true to myself, good to my family, and still good to my husband.... with NO expectations. (And lord knows, I was not disappointed). "Not my problem" came to be my mantra, silently of course. 

*I kept a journal.* It started out about my hurt feelings. It grew into what I called the "Hate Journal". I burned it the day he moved out. I didn't need it anymore. (And I sure didn't want the kids to find it.) 

I think the kids (like I said, all teens) thought I was very naive (sp?) and passive during this time. But I wasn't. I knew what I was doing. There was a lot of negative teen crap going on at the time that I dealt with, proactively with no support from ex.

But...they grew up....after he left. Life went on, they followed me 1100 miles, because they KNOW which parent is actually the strong one who does what needs to be done...without being irrational.


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