# Money lies and owning a business tearing us apart



## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

I have been married for just over a year. My husband and I have always had to "budget" but things have been in my mind spiraling out of control for over a year now. We have lived together for several years and have been used to combining household expenses. He left his job against my own wishes 2 years ago to start a business that is being run into the ground. On a monday he told me he didnt have enough to cover payroll due on Friday and basically hinted toward me to take (another) loan. I have now taken 3 personal loans (in my own name) to keep the business afloat, all of which I cover the monthly installments for. I have sunk over $4K into the business and mainly it is me who has been covering the monthly mortgage payment, and most of the other bills. He has constantly maintained that we have thousands coming in, but we just need to get "through this small patch" this has been going on in cycles for two years. 
he also borrowed my debit card a few weeks back and said he needed it for supplies in the amount of $60 it wasnt until days later I saw he had racked up over $300 in charges. I understand a few hundred dollars is not going to make or break a marriage but the dishonesty is awful, and he never metioned it, it threw our budget completely off course and really put me behind. In addition he asked a week ago to use the card for $60 for something he found online (the charge to my card was $120) then he said the $60 left was credited to th eonline account and last week I saw him shopping on that same site, and I said "wouldnt that really be my credit to use?" he did not say much. IN addition, when he wanted to start this business he needed a vehicle to adhere to what he was doing but did not have the credit to buy a new vehicle, I traded in mine and bought him the vehicle he wanted. He gave me his old car to use, which I have put money into to repair, but now several things (causing safety issues) are broken on the car and have been for over 5 months including a window that is stuck down and he hasnt made any moves to repair the car and I have to drive it. We also have not had sex in over 3 weeks, and have not even been fighting. He does not have health insurance or life insurance, and it bothers me, also he let his legal company name be dissolved with the state from not paying his dues in years. He also lets his commercial insurance lapse on a regular basis and going through my accounts today, I realized I have made a good deal of these payments for him. The mortgage is in my name and I made the entire down payment from my IRA which I have been putting into since prior to us dating. His car is also in my name and I am stuck with his and bc of his poor credit he cant trade it in. I went to a dealer and told them I needed 2 car loans and they approved me at a great rate so that we could keep the work vehicle and I could get something reliable, just need to fix and sell the car, that was a few months ago, and no closer to the car being fixed to be sold, or at the very least so I can have a reliable car to drive to work, and school)I work 45 hours a week and go to school full time at night. (to try and better our lives) I almost feel like I am being walked over and used. He has not helped with house cleaning or basic repairs I had asked for, and is argumentative when I try to get his help. 
I have threatened to leave before, not to be mean but bc I really dont think I can continue to live this way, its like he will not grow up and take responsibility for the basics. I have also asked hundreds of times he give me some type of weekly or bi-weekly "report" of what he made for that period, what we have coming in and what is outstanding from invoices, this has been going for 2 years and I have never gotten one (I havent a clue what he even makes or brings in, monthly, annually etc.) its not until the bills are due that I know what he will have to contribute or if I will be helping once again to "cover payroll" I dont think this is the way a business is to be run and I think he should try to find a job. He refuses this as an option. PLEASE help me, I dont want to leave, but I know I cant stay like this.


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Has he been filing and paying business taxes? Because as incapable of budgeting as he sounds, that would be my first concern. Those things are terrible, and you don't want to be on the wrong side of the IRS. If he's got an accountant, the accountant can only do as well as the information he's given. (I've filed taxes for a small business. They're much more complex than individual taxes--and we didn't have employees. Even if he hasn't made any profit he's got payroll taxes, etc, to pay.) If he hasn't filed, or you think there's a chance the accountant didn't get good data, if I were you I'd be on the phone to a business tax attorney first thing. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself from the IRS.
The insurance thing is also concerning--if something happens and he's uninsured your house and other assets would be at risk--or that's what I've been told by our business attorney (we closed the business a couple years ago). I'd pay that before payroll. If he can't make payroll he may be bankrupt. If he has to declare bankruptcy with the business, maybe you can get yourself down as someone he owes money to when the assets are liquidated.
You need an attorney who deals with businesses and taxes, you really do. He should already have one advising him, but find your own. You need someone familiar with your state laws as well as federal.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Your words, "you feel like you are being walked on and used". Well you ARE, so the question I have for you is when do YOU put a stop to it?

From what you describe your husband doesn't have what it takes to run a business and he relaying on you to dig him out all the time but yet you are aren't putting a stop to it. You'll have to be the one to pull the plug because clearly your husband has grown use to you bailing him out and taking care of everything so the fault is not all his. 

We teach others how to treat us. 

Good luck!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your husband sounds a lot like my estranged husband when it comes to business sense. Or, I should say lack of business sense. Trust me it can get worse! It's time to put the brakes on this. However, you may already be in over your head. You already know he is lying. What lies have you not uncovered? You are probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

Put your foot down now. Demand full accounting! Give no more financial assistance until you see everything. Even then, it's probably time to cut your losses. If he is struggling to make payroll, there's a good chance he isn't making his federal payroll tax deposits on a monthly basis. Getting on the bad side of the IRS is a nightmare. I'm there too due to my estranged husband.

Putting the business issues aside, you've got big problems. He is irresponsible and lies. It's hard to have a marriage when trust is gone. I do wish you the best though.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

This is all solid advice but I also love this man... I haven't spoken to him since monday I sent an email saying he has 60 days to either get the business completely in order or to get a ft job do u think this is reasonable? Thanks for your thoughts and advice
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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's definitely a step in the right direction. What are you going to do about the lying and him being financially irresponsible? Those major problems aren't going to be resolved by the ultimatum. For example, what is he spending the money on? And why won't he provide accounting? My estranged husband and I had a thriving business as long as I managed our money. But then there came a time when he began lying and embezzling money. He had a habit to support--young women and partying. You really need to get to the bottom of what all the lies are covering up.

I loved my husband so much I couldn't bare to put my foot down until it was too late. Don't let love blindside you. It's better to see the complete picture before making a decision based solely on emotions.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

827Aug said:


> That's definitely a step in the right direction. What are you going to do about the lying and him being financially irresponsible? Those major problems aren't going to be resolved by the ultimatum. For example, what is he spending the money on? And why won't he provide accounting? My estranged husband and I had a thriving business as long as I managed our money. But then there came a time when he began lying and embezzling money. He had a habit to support--young women and partying. You really need to get to the bottom of what all the lies are covering up.
> 
> I loved my husband so much I couldn't bare to put my foot down until it was too late. Don't let love blindside you. It's better to see the complete picture before making a decision based solely on emotions.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, I don't know what he makes, and his checks go into a business account I have no access to. He does not give me a report, a weekly amount of money, or anything else, I would have to just stab in the dark at what he even makes per year, isn't that crazy? And he is turning on me saying I'm giving up on him and our marriage and that's "my decision" to let him suffer and not help. He also says there's just "nothing he can do" when I have clearly made my choice and apparently my choice is to unfairly attack him. Its like he twists it into making me think I have done something wrong. Truth be told he knows everything about my money and I know nothing about his clearly not by choice and I just don't know how to get control of this without leaving...
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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Sixty days may be reasonable to get things in order, but do you know what you need to see to be sure things are in order? That's why you need an attorney, one in your town, in your state. There aren't just federal taxes, there are (depending on your location) state and local taxes.
The IRS can tell you what paperwork and taxes they'd want to see from a business of his size, in his field. They can't tell you what your town, county, or state would want, but you could certainly start by calling the IRS and asking them for general information.
You love him: you don't want to see him in jail for his financial screw-ups. There's your justification for getting on top of this.
You posted while I was posting: where are your federal returns? Has he not filed taxes? Have you not filed taxes? You should have some annual numbers of some sort available.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

I have never been late filing my taxes, this year I had to file separate from him because he had not filed, and I was buying the house, I needed those returns to get the mortgage, but there are penalties for not filing together but I had no choice. He had not filed. I ended up having to pay although I should have gotten a good deal back. He said he filed an extension and that the taxes for the business are now due in september, now basically. My taxes are fine but come next year when we are getting credit for the house I don't want to and should not have to file separate again. He just doesn't get it. Aside from this if I didn't work and go to school both full time I would be willing to help him but I don't have the time. He has only one full time schedule, how is it he does not have time? Two weeks ago he had two full days off in the middle of the week yet nothing got done. I want to be a wife not a mom or a nag, I'm very concerned that he is destroying what I work so hard for...
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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

Here are really my issues, I feel like I am lost at this point, It is do or die time. I cant keep having broken promises and we have been down that road before, with him saying he will do anything and just doesnt want to lose me. About 7 months ago, we had a little mess up with the birth control method, and then decided, well maybe we should see what happens, well "see what happens" turned into what I thought was both of us being ready to start a family, but my body wasnt and after all that time, nothing. Which I know is very normal. But now its not even a possibility, I am the only one with healthcare, with reportable income, with the mortgage, the only one who has credit cards, etc etc. I would have to go back to work AS SOON AS the baby was born, and I cant do that, plus that was never the plan. The plan was to "save money" and get HIM out of debt so that we could live comfortably for a little while and perhaps I could work from home a couple of days per week. Well, two years ago I had no choice but to get myself out of debt, it was our only chance of ever having a prayer to get a house

I went on a letter writing campaign to everyone I had a debt with, I wrote that I was willing to settle for X amount on the dollar to in turn have the debt completely ERASED from my report, then... I waited. It took months sometimes to hera back, sometimes they would counter, some of them refused, some of them took the deal, and so this went on until finally, I owed NO ONE any money aside from my car loan, a student loan which is deferred and my very small credit cards which I use, and payoff COMPLETELY every month. 

I took my 401K and diversified it to make more money in a short period of time, I save and saved and saved, even when my paycheck took a hit, but heres the catch: In all that time, I never reduced the amount I was putting toward the household bills. My husband now tells me HE got me out of debt and the reaosn he is in debt is due to that, and that the only reason I had a 401K to buy a house is ibecause he covered what I couldnt while I was trying to put that money away. 

I gave him that letter I have used, he has never sent it out, I think he just hides from bill collectors and I have not the slightest idea what his debt really is. Last year apparently he owed someone money that I did not know about and ended up having a sheriff at our door with basically a letter which gave them the right to start taking our personal belongings if the debt wasnt paid, and fast. There was a form we needed to fill out and it asked for MY (wifes) 401K and savings account information (the amounts in the accounts) and what jewelry I had, and I just about lost it, why should I have to go through this?? My 401K should not be some guys business, not the sheriffs department, I felt completely betrayed the person who had done this to me was in fact my own spouse! Needless to say the debt was paid before it got worse, but again I had to take a personal loan to be able to pay the bills while he was paying this debt. Also last year I realized there were letters coming in frequently from his auto-finance bank. I called them which I had never done before, and gave them his informaiton and said what is going on? Well, come to find out, they were on the verge of coming to look for the car, the car I have to drive because I bought him a work vehicle. He said he didnt want to worry me. Isnt a marriage the good the bad and the ugly? Why is the person I love afraid to tell me things I need to know, to just talk to me and to trust me, yes I still would have been mad, because um hello! If you havent been paying the car paymnent, wheres the money??? But at that point, I was betrayed, left with some customer service rep in India telling me in very broken english that my husband was not only chronically late, but now two months behind. 

And now the events of Monday, I find out he doesnt have enough to pay his employees on Friday, and he said to me "if you dont want to help me, well then thats your choice." WHAT??? Do I even have choices anymore? I feel like a dairy cow just being milked away and then sent back to the yard to graze around until I am needed again. wth???? How did it come to this? How am I the only fiscally responsible person in this marriage? And now, its like we have a house, together! Wouldnt that be all the more motivation to get it together and work as hard as he can? We are young! This is the time to be exhausting ourselves, working so hard now so we dont have to later! I am in school at night and work all day, what else can I do?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Wow! This all sounds very familiar. My estranged husband hid suppliers' invoices from me until our primary supplier cut us off. He had a $50K boat (fully paid for) taken away because he wouldn't pay the marina fees--nor would he even try to sell it. He even had a boat slip at his townhouse, but he wouldn't move it over there either. He bought a fancy motorcycle, but couldn't make payments. That really looked great at our failing business when the repo guys starting hunting the bike. He basically gutted our business so that he could live the swinging party life. He took trips to the Bahamas, New Orleans, South Beach, Key West, New York City, etc. He also racked up massive amounts of debt on credit cards. And the list goes on and on after 25 years of marriage. Like your husband, my estranged husband had the nerve to say that I was never supportive of him. What?! 

You are doing the right thing to file your income tax separately. My accountant has me doing that too. However, I'm in so much trouble with the IRS over the business taxes. It's not fun to be there! Also, I get dragged into court from time to time too. It's always someone trying to collect money. All of that is without legal representation, of course. And then my phone is always ringing because creditors are hunting my estranged husband. He either owes someone money or he has bounced a check on someone. But, then he bounces most of the checks (for spousal/child support) that he writes to me. He has a 30 day jail sentence for that. Oh, and the house is in foreclosure. None of this bothers him though. He's still out partying.

In the early days he started out with small lies and spending habits. Both the lies and the spending habits GREW. It sounds as though you are already getting a taste of what I've been dealing with for a while now. It can get worse. I sincerely hope that you get your problem resolved completely. I don't want to see you or anyone else have to live the nightmare that I endure on a daily basis. Life is too short to go through this much stress.


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## freshstart (Sep 1, 2011)

I understand your frustration but it sounds like you are trying to lead him instead of him leading you and your family but I know it's hard. Living this way will never work.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

freshstart said:


> I understand your frustration but it sounds like you are trying to lead him instead of him leading you and your family but I know it's hard. Living this way will never work.


I fear this man will ruin you. He is either a poor business man with a big ego, using funds unscrupulously or mentally ill. He also doesn't sound like he's treating you well. It's all about what you can do for (give) him.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I personally don't recommend starting a fresh new business without any safety net to fall back on. I'm thinking of expanding myself but I've made sure my current business is rolling in the greens before moving on. 

Furthermore, my current business was already established when I took over the joint, so I didn't have to market or promote it much - the regulars have been coming in for years.

Your husband seems to have decided to risk too much, and what's worse, he's using YOU as his safety-net =/
I would stop giving into him no matter what he'll say, he has to be accountable for his own mistakes and the worst thing he can do is make you bite the bullet for him.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I personally don't recommend starting a fresh new business without any safety net to fall back on. I'm thinking of expanding myself but I've made sure my current business is rolling in the greens before moving on.
> 
> Furthermore, my current business was already established when I took over the joint, so I didn't have to market or promote it much - the regulars have been coming in for years.
> 
> ...


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

Apparently I can't take good advice. This morning I let him use the good car bc I felt bad and before I knew it I was whipping out my checkbook, all after a huge blowout in which I told him to leave and never come back. This is how it is he makes me so angry and feel so betrayed I blow up, but then I end up feeling bad. For the record I haven't given him any money and have decided I will not be giving him anything luckily it was only a weak moment and I corrected myself. I don't know what to do, if I try to leave him I'm not going to be able to make it on my own...
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lostleahnc said:


> Apparently I can't take good advice. This morning I let him use the good car bc I felt bad and before I knew it I was whipping out my checkbook, all after a huge blowout in which I told him to leave and never come back. This is how it is he makes me so angry and feel so betrayed I blow up, but then I end up feeling bad. For the record I haven't given him any money and have decided I will not be giving him anything luckily it was only a weak moment and I corrected myself. I don't know what to do, if I try to leave him I'm not going to be able to make it on my own...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you kidding? Stop the loans and the funding payroll, pay for your own vehicle and get your tax refund due to you for filing on time and I bet you'll do better. Even if you take a hit now, this with him will never end. You'll keep going deeper in the hole til your credit is maxed and funds are depleted. You sound responsible don't let 'love' ruin you. What does he do for you? Unselfishly without wanting something from you?
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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He's not contributing anything now. He gets money from you. How would you be worse of financially on your own?


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

You can love him and still protect yourself. And him. You really need legal advice as to what you could be liable jointly for with the business.

I'm reminded of some elderly acquaintances who would have liked to get married, (both had lost their previous spouses) but if they had, she would've had to sell her house and use her savings to pay his cancer bills. Better to stay legally separate and simply live together. It kept a roof over both their heads and avoided bankrupting her when he passed.

You may be in a similar situation where you'll both be better off to be legally separate.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Lostleahnc - I can totally relate to your situation. My H owns a General Contractor business in Florida that was very successful for the first 5 years until the economy tanked and the real estate market dried up and the business has fell on hard times. Men have such a hard time admitting that the business is not profitable or salvageable. My H took his business failure hard and became very depressed, mean and distant. He says that I called him a failure because I suggested he get a game plan in effect for the next 6 months. He went off the deep end, yelling and screaming at me. Tells me I don't believe in him and has used all our savings, credit cards and personal accounts to meet payroll, buy supplies and permits. When we finally get paid for a job, the funds are already spent paying off business debt. I have worked my whole 15 year marriage and have always had the steady paycheck. 

It is so frustrating when one party does not want to live in reality an dream that the money tree is always in bloom.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

I left, I couldnt take it anymore. The lies were getting worse, the whole situation was going to blow up. I am putting the house up for sale and moving on. There was nothing more I could do to save it. I feel like I really exhausted every possible avenue. I tried talking, helping, yelling, listening, coming upo with budgets and plans, all to no avail. I feel like things would be different if he was willing to communicate with me, honestly, and just say, look I know things have been tough, but here is my plan for the business, my proposed business plan, the budget etc. NO> he denies everything, and even said this to me "I make more money than you could ever make" this was about 10 minutes after he asked me for $20. He later said he only asked me for $20 to prove that I wont help him when he needs it. I mean, how do you even communicate with someone who absolutely refuses to face the reality of the situation? When I left, he never asked me to stay, never called or text me, nothing... I guess he only cares when he needs something. This is incredibly painful and I know that I have a long and difficult journey ahead of me, but I could no longer live that way, with someone who disrespects me, lies to me and outright steals from me. I thank you all for the comments and appreciate everyones advice. I know there are people who believe that divorce is not ever an option, but I am not one of those people, and I cant ruin my own life to save someone elses


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I've been reading your story. I think you've made the right decision. Time to leave and sever all financial and legal ties between you and him.


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