# Where to begin? Where to go?



## thecatwho (Feb 12, 2011)

I can't really pinpoint a start to this thing, and I don't even know how to move forward. It feels like I've dug myself into a hole so deep that not only can I no longer see the top - I can't really remember what it was like not to be in the hole. My marriage is a mess. The majority of the mess is my fault. I don't see a way to fix it and it just keeps sliding inexorably downhill.

I got married not quite ten years ago. We had many common interests, shared humor, same sense of fun, loved animals, sports, and music, and were truly friends. Seemed like a good start. I knew he didn't make much money and his credit was sketchy but he had a strong work ethic and commitment to doing a good job, and so I let the disparity in our incomes (I don't make a lot of money but my income is more than double his) slide. It just meant that I paid for pretty much everything, but it didn't seem like money should be a detriment to our relationship.

I also knew he drank too much. Again, it didn't seem at the time to be a reason to drive a stake through the heart of our relationship, so I tried not to make it a big issue. But the reality is that binge drinking and substance abuse is rampant in his family, and although he only goes to a bar once a week or so (all he can afford, I suspect), he can't go to one without drinking 6-10 pitchers (by himself) and staying for 3-6 hours or more when he does go out. I haven't gone to a bar with him for several years, once I realized that all it did was enable him. It is impossible to talk about drinking without it degenerating into a major fight, and when we have he does not acknowledge it as a problem. He isn't an abusive drunk, so I guess I shouldn't complain, it just brings out belligerence and the worst side of him. For example, he got so drunk on our wedding night that he never made it back to our hotel after the reception. That resulted in week long period during which we stayed apart, what a way to start a marriage, eh? More recently, because of our inability to communicate or problem solve, due to his drinking on Chirstmas, we didn't open our presents. We still haven't opened them. For pete's sake, the tree is still up in a corner of my home office with the gifts under it because we can't talk or fix things.

About four years ago he was fired from his longstanding job, and for almost three years worked part time - as in about 12-16 hours a week - at a minimum wage job. This put a serious financial strain on our marriage - bills and debt piled up because I couldn't cover it all with my salary, behind on our income taxes, the economic strain is absolutely crushing. If it is crushing to him there is no outward appearance of it. I work fulltime, and do have a small part-time job (about 8 extra hours a week), and I am thinking about getting a third shift job to try and dig out of this economic mess, but I am just sad and weary. Most days I think about it and wish I didn't have to wake up anymore. Six months ago he started a good job, one with actual benefits and decent pay, but it is still only 20 hours a week. Thank goodness we don't have kids - I wanted us to wait until we were financially more secure - what a joke that turned out to be. Again, we can't talk about finances or money without the threat of mutually assured destruction.

The last three years have largely been arguments, each one worse than the last; there were arguments before then, but never with such frequency or intensity. There never was much romance in our world, but we had happiness, laughter, and shared good times. It is impossible to talk about anything that isn't superficial or sunshine and cotton candy without it turning into a fight. There isn't much physical or emotional intimacy. I lived with his periodic impotence (figured part of it was attributable to the alcohol) for several years, did convince him that we needed to do something to make that better and it did improve - generally - until a couple of years ago, but now there really isn't a whole lot of affection or good sex (you know, the kind that makes you glad that you are together and somehow makes some of the bad times lessen) anymore. Marriage counseling is not an option - I can't afford it and the one time we talked about it he was clear that this wasn't his problem. I understand his point of view - the way he is experiencing it, I am the problem. He's the happy-go-lucky one. I am the one who worries about money, I am the one who contacts him after he's been in a bar for six hours to see if he is still breathing and coming home at some point, I am the one who gets mad when I try to talk and he blows it off or he slams the door and leaves the room, I am the one who brings up the fact that it seems like something isn't quite right with our marriage, I am the one with the lower frustration and anger threshold, I am the one who is chronically depressed, and most recently, I am the one who is pretty sure that he is having an emotional affair with a woman he made friends with at his previous job. On his day off, he spends 6-9 hours with her at the bowling alley and lounge, or out antiquing or other things, and while I have no reason to suspect he is having a physical relationship with her, I know he isn't having one with me. Even if it isn't an affair, he comes home after drinking and having spent the day with another woman while I spent the day at work. I am pretty sure he doesn't see a problem with this. On the other hand, she really could just be a friend.

Our marriage is in a pretty sad place now. Financially we need each other so we just stay trapped in this loop. I would miss him if he were gone, but on the good days mostly what we have is a tenuous friendship that is really frayed on the edges and no ability to commuicate in a constructive manner. Watching television and eating dinner together without tension is as good as it gets. On really hot date nights we go to the grocery store or cook dinner together before he goes to work (midnight to 4 a.m.). The strain of past fights, our economic troubles, our inability to talk, and our work schedules really get in the way of building bridges.

I read on a message board that it is important to know what you want, before deciding to end or fix your marriage. Deep down, I want to fix it, I want to get it back to good (it was never incredible, but it was good), but given the circumstances I just don't know how.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

The beginning has already begun and so you know where that took you, the big question is where do you want to go?

I know it doesn't feel like it but your possibilities are only as endless as you make them. I can relate to your post because I, too, am in a transitional state. I think you have to first recognize and decide that you deserve better.

You mention in your first paragraph that the majority of the mess is your fault but I don't see that way and, more importantly, fault doesn't matter in this case. You need to take stock in your life, remember that you only have this one life to live. Is this how you want to live it? It is yours to squander or indulge in as you'd like. When we become the creator's of our own tragedy and then dwell and wither in that tragedy, of course we become depressed.

If you want out, you can get out. If you want to fix it, you can only fix yourself and hope that in turn that prompts him to change. If it doesn't then you can move forward in your life without him.


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## thecatwho (Feb 12, 2011)

Much gratitude to both of you for the kindness and support; it is lonely work carrying something like this around. Hearing other voices, and other points of view, helps me gain some courage and insight as well. I am so appreciative of the perspective you offered me, in large part because in the light of day it is easy to start second guessing myself and wondering if my expectations are too high or if I am blowing things out of proportion. Thank you for reminding me that I have value - and that my decisions should value myself. You are so right, it is time to take stock, not allow time to slip away, and move forward rather than being trapped by inertia.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Why stay with him if it wasn't even ever great? Seems like you set the standard low even at it's best. Why do that to yourself?

But ... you said you want to make it work, so I will approach it from that angle. Like others said, you can work on yourself. You say that bringing any topic up results in big fights. Well, start there. Don't fight with him. You CAN bring a topic up (in fact, it's essential that you do) and maintain your cool. Don't bring things up impulsively, but truly think through what the core of what you are trying to communicate is. Not "you're out with another woman and I'm pissed," but "I miss fun times with you and wish that you and I could do some of the things that you do with your friend. I feel like I'm losing you."

In any case, the point is, start learning to not let the discussion escalate into a futile fight. Even if he gets worked up, you stay calm. Pick the right moments. Speak from your place of hurt and hope, rather than your place of anger. But DO speak. You won't fix this marriage from a place of avoidance.

Then listen. Regardless of the words, you will hear on of three things 1) I love you too and will commit to making every effort to save our marriage, 2) I love you and wish I could change, but I won't really try that hard, or 3) I don't really care. Given your situation, I would only accept #1 with a lot of action to back it up. Anything less means many more years wasted trying to get through to someone that is nowhere close to committing to your mutual happiness.

As for his "friend," I'm sorry, but he's not out just being "emotional" with her. Don't buy it for one second. Hate to be blunt about it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I married two alcoholics. I was stupid. I also had a repetition compulsion to "fix" other people; to make them see the light, so to speak.

What did I end up with? 

1) Loss of my own identity.

2) Completely focused on the addict and his addiction ... and

3) Not to mention the physical breakdown of my body from the stress.

Alcoholism is PROGRESSIVE disease. As it progresses, money problems, unemployment, under-employment, abuse (emotional and/or physical), isolation, inability to focus on anything but the booze, and inability to admit (D-E-N-I-A-L) addiction occur.

If you want to be dragged through he!! and back, stay and try to do a repair job. However, the only repair job you can do is on yourself. You probably make enough money to support yourself without having a ball-and-chain addict hanging around your neck.

When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you WILL leave.

I did it.

Twice.

And I have survived. But, most importantly, I have PEACE in my life.

That is worth more to me than either of my so-called marriages.


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