# value your opinions...be gentle



## tryingtofigureitallout (Mar 9, 2010)

i am a confused, unclear mess right now. to make a long story short...married for 9 years. no children. 38 yrs old. 

3rd year of marriage, discovered (accidentally) my husband was having an affair. personally devastated due to the fact we were married and marriage is a sacred thing, right? therapy and numerous apologies later, we are still together. 

little more background; stopped having sex 6 mos in to the marriage. therapist informed me i should have seen the warning signs and it was my fault for not being proactive. okay, but why should I be the one who INITIATES night after night with no reciprocation? enough on that.

haven't been able to trust him since (7yrs later). business travel brings up constant doubts. i'm not stupid, but i can't pull the trigger and walk away. 

1 year ago, i started a personal affair with someone 12 years older, but not as "secure". this concerns me because i work very hard for my retirement, but i hope that my husband would share that responsibility. i have met someone that i would physically and mentally and emotionally want to be with...now i find myself comparing the two...and i'm in a quandary as a result....

i know on the surface this sounds absolutely horrible...i am disgusted with myself and have never discussed with anyone...but it's where i'm at, and i need help...i'm a simple lady (business professional from the northeast) with simple dreams of security and romance...but i don't expect it all to be just given to me...i work hard all week myself for my future as well...ugh...does this make any sense? i'm so distorted from the affects of the original affair, i can't make sense of marriage anymore....can anyone provide some clarity for me?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

You'll get no punishement from me so sorry.

Well based on what you wrote about the history, its not suprising at all where you arrived. Marriage seems in a bad state. Therapist is partially right.. but it always takes two, Your responsibility is equal.
How deep are you with the other guy? I mean, i understand how you got there but in the situation you're in, you have to ask yourself honestly if he is a convenient need filler or is he someone you would really choose if you were in a better place.
You need to TRY to set that aside, not allow it to influence you and decide if you want to be married anymore or not. If yes then you'll need H's cooperation. If you dont have a firm yes to work it out then you know what you need to do.
I get the whole retirement thing. You do have choices. 
1. Keep doing what you're doing and feel disgusting.
2. Let H know that you will stay married for logistical reasons and let him know you'll be getting your love needs met elsewhere
3. Proceed with separation and divorce.

to me other guy needs to back up a bit and give you some space so you can clearly make the right choice for you. No one can tell you what to do or what is THE right choice. Surely though, honesty and openess will make you feel better even if it means divorce. (honesty in the sense of where you are in your feelings for H)

Anyway. You're not alone, not judged and you just need to realize you cant stay in limbo especially where you're hurting yourself just as much. I know sounds like you like the other guy, but id be REALLY worried he's filling a void and is convenient. I reccomend the space and some time on your own getting your self esteem back up, take the lessons from it all and then it will be much more clear how to move on.

Hopefully you're still in counseling although if you are... are you tellling the counselor about the affair? You should be and if you dont feel direction and clarity from your counseling ... its time to change counselors. Be VERY open and honest there. its good practice and they cannot help you unless you really let them see everything.

You;ll get through just fine. You just need to take steps you've been avoiding.

all the best.


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## tryingtofigureitallout (Mar 9, 2010)

63Vino...thank you so much for your considerate time responding. you said some great things that i will think about. the one thing that you really sparked was whether i obviously want to be married or not anymore. i cannot have any outside influences weighting my decision, but at the same time, the person i have been spending time with has opened my eyes to what it means to be truly cherished. the thing that is so hard about the marriage is that i feel that i am the only person my husband loves when we are together (which is a lot)...but i will always return to that original affair...i just don't know if i can get past it all.

oh, and i am not in counseling anymore. haven't been back in years. went together as a couple, then went alone. then just stopped.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I guess im not clear on H.
You say he loves you but you're not moved by that or there is stil something missing. Hence the affair.
You should go to counseling if you can. You-yourself.
You definately need (as we ALL do) help in clearing the clutter to see whats driving your actions and then shape up what needs to be.
Seems you didnt get to the point where you could forgive, forget and move on from his affair.
You indicated OM makes you feel loved. Could be just a contrast from what you have at home. Since affair are not typically out in the open,, again im wondering with all things removed, if you were a confident single woman... would he be somone you would choose. Anyway.. figure out what you want with H and come clean at least on your feelings and see where he is on it.

good luck!!


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## tryingtofigureitallout (Mar 9, 2010)

story on my husband is that he is GREAT at making me feel like i am the only one and loved dearly...but he did so at the same time of his previous affair and that is why i can't truly trust those feelings he gives me...i am realizing that the no sex thing is huge for me...i won't even discuss to what level i am brought to with the "other man" and, to your point...i know this is what is completely clouding my judgement on that behalf.

i don't want this to turn in to a discussion regarding the fact that i am considering leaving the marriage due to no sex or amazing sex somewhere else...i know that over time relationship sex changes drastically (i guess)...i was happy (kind of) in a sexless marriage for years before i did something about it...

i guess it's just a matter of me discussing with husband again...he knows the importance of sex to me and how i feel it solidifies the relationship...but yet still, nothing is initiated. i just feel that it is going nowhere and if the sex part is a major deal to me, i need to do something about it....

you've listened too much already...and again...i thank you. also, the "confident" comment you made earlier is dead on right now...i am not so confident...i feel that this has definitely taken its toll on my soul...i'm 10 years older too...fearful of staying in this marriage for another 10 and then, well, you know....


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Thats all good stuff. NOW is your chance... every minute, to decide what direction you want to go in.. Then GO.
Either way is ok honestly.. You have the right to be happy.

Shame about H. I understand that. Yea you should be honest with him regarding how you see his affection, especially the part about it being equal through the affair. 

Start clearing the air. get it on the table.


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## anno2010 (Mar 21, 2010)

hey sorry to intrude in your thread, i just dont know how to make one! i need desperate advice! i am at breaking point now! ile cut a long story short! am 22 years old been with my boyfriend nearly 6 years! a few months ago i cheated on my boyfriend, we wer both drunk and had an argument on a night out! we finished it and actually spilt up for a few days! i feel terrible i know this may sound a lame excuse but if i was sober it wudnt of happened! the fact is i love him so much n cant believe i can mess all of this up over a drunken silly mistake made by me! i wish i wasnt a dramatic person and jus followed after him instead of thinkin i dont need him n can have anyone! its sad and now am goin to have to live with this! what it is the person i cheated on him with actually knows his sister and works with her and can easily tell her whenever! should i tell my boyfriend and lose him or ignore it all?? what would u do in my position? and what would u want me to do if u wer in my boyfriend shoes? thanks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell my boyfriend the truth and accept whatever happens.


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