# i really need someone to talk to..this isnt working



## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

*i feel like getting drunk, and never waking up*

!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I am sure. I am so sorry that he is acting that way have you tried to not talk much to him and see about him coming to you?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I completely understand where you are coming from. It is difficult when you find out about an affair and then you pour yourself into the relationship 100%. Then you begin to feel like the infidel is just going on about their life as though nothing has happened.

While my wife is not hospitalized, she has decided to return to college full time in addition to having a full time job 50 miles away from home. We get into tifts about affection and feelings. I feel like I get excuses about why she can't be as considerate as I have been...

She says "I am not like you. I don't show my affections like you do" and other similar excuses. When I hear the car pull up after work, I run to the back door and wag my tail in wait of her to come inside. I try to spend every waking moment making her happy, but I get the distinct feeling that if I didn't chase, then I would be left by myself most of the time.

I feel like even though there has been a terrible break down, and that she crossed THEE line and says she is sorry, that I am still being placed into the back of the bus until she has run out of other things to do.

Is this commonplace? I don't know. I have done a great deal of research over the last few months. I have examined most of the postings here and read many articles and even ordered and read books on the topic. This one evades me. I don't know where I stand, which is generally the flavor of what I am hearing you say, Lovie.

I TOTALLY understand the need to talk to someone who you don't know. I know that everyone I know will have some pre-conceived notions about the relationship and will not be able to look at it objectively.

I totally get it!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I read your other threads and let me just say, I think the way you are feeling is completely normal and the questions you are having are all valid to be asking yourself at this point. That he is taking the 'you need to get over this' approach and discounting your feelings and the timing of the last encounter with her and knowing he lied about you breaking up is more than enough to keep your head spinning on whether he really loves you and can be trusted. 

Your other thread contained some good responses on what he needs to do at this point: validate your feelings, make an effort to rebuild the trust by being open and honest about why he cheated, and not to push a timetable with you as far as when you should feel better about this. Once he is out of the hospital, he should be open with his email/phone/whereabouts for as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable again.

Then thinking about this in the context of the accident and his current hospital stay/rehab, it really blurs the picture. I can see why you are having such a difficult time. One thing you can do is to remove the cheating from the table until he is out of the hospital. I might even go as far as saying the engagement is off until you both are able to put the work that is needed in order to move things forward with your relationship, and you understand he cannot do that at this point.

That being said, if you take that off the table, you can also say you intend to be there for him and support him until he is back on his feet. Once he is out of the hospital, however, you will both need to re-evaluate where things are at and decide whether you are both willing to work on your relationship.

I do think this is a critical time for you. If you let it go without feeling that he's put in the effort, you will set the stage for this being an acceptable way to deal with things when you are upset. He either needs to jump on board and 'get it' or I'd seriously consider moving on.

Perhaps a conversation along the lines of 'I love you and realize the focus right now needs to be on you getting well, but the shock of the call from TOW (the other woman) turned my world upsidedown and I cannot just get over it. That being said, I need to put that whole issue on the back-burner right now and the only way I can do that is to put 'us' on the back-burner right now so I can be here to support you getting well. Once you are better, we will need to re-evaluate what we need to do going forward.'


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

*Re: i feel like getting drunk, and never waking up*



lovie said:


> I honestly feel like getting really drunk, and NEVER WAKING UP..


Oh, and if you are having serious thoughts like this, talk to a professional counselor. It really helped me to work through many of the feelings you are currently having.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I agree with swedish I was to the point of wanting to crawl into a corner or hole and just die. Its horrible you know I got a double wammy My best friend and husband the two people I trust the most. And I am sure that he felt the same way with me. But you get through it and talk talk talk.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Yes! I agree! I have worn out my phone calling people at all hours! LOL! I had to switch my cell plan to an unlimited plan because of my usage!

Talking it out is a good thing. It is just damned near impossible to find someone in your phone book who can understand where you are at. Everyone wants to impose their opinions on you. All you really wanted to do is to talk and feel like you have been listened to!

Been there! I have the AT&T bill to prove it too! LOL!


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

sweedish,

thank you for your insight, as well as sunflower. Really, any help I can get right now, I will gladley take. I feel like Im going in circles. Maybe it is best to focuse on his healing right now, and fix things when he is better. But it is so hard to do.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I know from experience that you cannot just turn off how you're feeling, my thought is that he's making it pretty clear right now that he is not able to work on fixing things so it will continue to make you feel hurt everytime you engage in these talks and he brushes you aside. Taking charge and taking this off the table for now (at least as far as talking to him about it is concerned) might may you feel at least somewhat in control of the situation. It may also make him begin to think he could actually lose you in the end if he ignores this once he's out of the hospital.

So when you are with him, it's all about him getting better and being there like anyone who loves him would (friends/family), but continue to get support here, and/or talk to a counselor to begin to work through your own feelings. That alone will buy you the time to figure out if you can move forward with him and what that needs to look like (in terms of what he will need to do.)


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

:iagree:

~Moog


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya it took me from the end of October until now to get better and not being crazy lol.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

You don't think he tries to get rid of you at the hospital because maybe she is coming to see him? Just saying. Just sayin.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I doubt she wants to have anything to do with him now that she knows he lied about having broken up with Lovie. She contacted Lovie and filled her in...if she still wanted anything to do with him, she would have kept to herself.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Maybe he just needs time alone to think about everything. Thats alot that he has on his plate.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I had the same thought, sunflower. If she decides to put the relationship on hold, it will probably make him think about everything without being pressured for answers.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am sorry for your circumstances lovie - truly.

I'm the resident cynic. I want you to be happy, just like everyone else here - but from my perspective, there is little to no chance of you getting to happy by entering into a marriage with all of this baggage hanging over it. Aside from recovering from the trauma of an auto accident, both of you have the trauma of an affair to deal with as well. It's not a great recipe for a happy beginning.

Ultimately, you get to decide. I get the sense that you are moving in the right direction - but the right direction still hurts like hell. Take care of yourself, meet your own needs, without him. It seems to me that your fiance is already taking these steps, which in turn, hurts you more. You need to step away and evaluate what is best for you, singular, not you as a couple.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

For sure it would. THE HARD part is giving that time. Cause it kills you to be apart and all the thoughts racing in your head and to not talk through it with him. But I think thats what he needs like a absence makes the heart grow fonder type thing!


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

Well you are right, the woman he had the affair with wants nothing to do with him...thats a pluss. I have thought about giving it space, i did for a couple days at first, and for a whole two weeks, i told him i wasnt sure if i wanted to be with him or not. He told me to take my time, and realized that the ball was in my court. So when i decided to give him another chance thats when all this started happeneing. Im not happy when Im around him, and Im not happy when Im alone, or apart. Then he when i tell him I want to take a week or two without seeing him, he tells me that if i want to he understands, but he misses me, and he thinks that is too long, then starts crying cuz he wants me there. Well..

Maybe I need to take a stand, and get with it. It seems to always be back and fourth. Maybe taking a small break is a good idea.


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## Healing (May 30, 2008)

That break may not be such a bad idea.

Thing about cheaters is that they almost hardly fully appreciate the consequences of their actions. They always think somehow they can get out of a sticky situation, either by lying or appealing to our soft hearts and feelings for them. Sometimes this is partially because a lot of the time we start by blaming ourselves and wondering what we could have done better. But it was not our fault; cheating is never justified.

In my case, the only time he came clean and faced up to what he had done to me was when I got fed up after yet another "white lie" had been discovered (he said he lied to protect my feelings. in fact he lied to protect himself, and her). I told him that I was sick and tired, that I was not sure if I felt the same way about him anymore after all he had been doing to me, and that I was going to leave.

Not saying that you should dump him (that is a decision only you can make) but that if you are not happy, you may need to call a time-out. He can't expect everything to be back to normal after what he has done and he needs to realize how much he has truly hurt you and the relationship you had. Your fiance's whining and crying right now does not seem like true remorse for what he has done, it seems more like self-pity in my opinion.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I think that a break would be good for you to clear your head and really decide what it is that you want getting married is a big step and if you decide to take him back be sure thats what you want in your life!


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

The only thing i think about is..If i take a break from him now to sort myself out, what if in the end, he resents me because I wasnt there for him when he needed it. I know that probably sounds dumb...but what do you think?

He sais he wants to work it out, but he wants me to be there. Is it more for his own good than mine


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well say I am here for you if you need me but right now I need some me time. I AM HURT he should understand that. YOu should resent him and your not. he should give you your space. He owes you that much.


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