# Relocation & Resentment



## TerraldTheTerror (Jun 3, 2014)

I was just offered a job to have my own store for the company I work for, making double what I make now. The problem is that we would have to move five hours away. My husband doesn't want to go because he'd leave his family behind. We want to have a baby but we would probably struggle a little if we had one now with what we currently make. He says the "logical" thing to do is to move but he's not a fan of it. I don't want to move and then have him resent me and possibly ruin our marriage. I'm not sure what I should do.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you don't take the job because of him, will you regret and resent it? Yes, it can be great to be close to family, but many people move far away for good reasons and make it work. What are his job prospects now and if you move?


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## TerraldTheTerror (Jun 3, 2014)

I think I'm more prone to resentment than he is...I've often felt that I've given up way more than he has to get where we are. So yes, I probably would feel that way.

Currently he has a job making decent money but he's been there for six years and will continue to get raises but no promotions. As he himself says, he has the job and I have the career. The problem is that he was abandoned as a child and ended up having to drop out of school to take care of his siblings so he never graduated high school. It would probably be difficult for him to get another job that's comparable to the one he has now, without his diploma. Obviously he can just go get his GED but he has had psychological barriers with that. When you're told you can't do anything you're entire life by the people that are supposed to love you, it creates a fear of failure. So I've been pushing him to get his GED but between actually getting him to the place to get it, taking off work, and those emotional barriers, it's been a challenge. My gameplan was for us to move and to have me support us for a while since I'd be able to, to give him time to get his stuff together, get his GED, etc. And if he wanted to just work part time for a while, take time for himself...work on his passions and his dreams (he wants to be a game developer and has some projects going but doesn't have the time now..) and possibly even be a stay at home dad for a little bit should we have a baby but none of that is swaying him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You also need to think ahead to when/if you start a family. Being close to family is important then. And what will your child are arrangements be? 

C


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## TerraldTheTerror (Jun 3, 2014)

It's only five hours away. I'm a military brat so I don't see it as a huge deal. I would be making enough so that he could stay at home until we get to daycare/school age though I wouldn't try to pressure him to do that if he didn't want to. My thing is, we would be able to provide for our child a lot better if we move. Though if we stay, my mother would probably fill in any gaps as far as anything we need for the baby.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your situation is more complicated than I thought. With his poor job prospects if you move, he is rightly concerned. He is stably employed now, and that probably helps his self-esteem, which has been ruined by his lack of education and put-downs from others.

If he moves, he'll probably be dependent on you, and will feel like he's a failure once again. That won't be good for him, and can easily lead to problems in your relationship.

IF he can find a job in the new location, and THEN you can accept your job offer, that would be ideal. Otherwise I think the damage to him may outweigh the benefits of moving.


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## TerraldTheTerror (Jun 3, 2014)

That's the thing, I have to make a decision ASAP and then we'd be moving in two weeks...sigh. 

I may not be able to get out of my lease here anyway...I'll be calling soon to find out. That may make the decision for us.

My thing is, if he's not making more of an effort to be independent here...I can't really be held responsible for him feeling bad about being dependent on me there. Of course this is a partnership though and I may have to just compromise and give up the extra 20,000 a year I'd be making...


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Figure the taxes on that 20k along with child care to see if it's even worth it. Then, subtract what your husband makes from that number. Lastly, decide if moving and having a child that will be raised in daycare vs. a grandparent is worth it.

Maybe hold-off on children if you move until H adjusts?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Make a deal with him. You'll stay if he actually goes to get his GED, and starts taking some community college classes.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> Figure the taxes on that 20k along with child care to see if it's even worth it. Then, subtract what your husband makes from that number. Lastly, decide if moving and having a child that will be raised in daycare vs. a grandparent is worth it.
> 
> Maybe hold-off on children if you move until H adjusts?


My first thought when I saw this was that 20k (assuming that's pre-tax) wouldn't barely be enough to pay for full-time daycare in my city after taxes come out, not to mention husband's lost income. And I'm sorry to say but even in the modern age not every guy is ready to be a stay-home dad -- are you sure he'd really be committed to that and want to do it?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Whatever you as a couple agree to do please find the time and strength to support and encourage your husband to finish his education.

Even if you decide to stay in your current location finishing school will boost his self esteem, his job prospects and should you have children together it will put him in a better position to be involved in the learning and development.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

TerraldTheTerror said:


> That's the thing, I have to make a decision ASAP and then we'd be moving in two weeks...sigh.
> 
> I may not be able to get out of my lease here anyway...I'll be calling soon to find out. That may make the decision for us.
> 
> My thing is, if he's not making more of an effort to be independent here...I can't really be held responsible for him feeling bad about being dependent on me there. Of course this is a partnership though and I may have to just compromise and give up the extra 20,000 a year I'd be making...


Something does not seem to add up. You say in your first post that you would double your salary, then right here you say you'd be getting an extra $20k per year. So, you make $20k per year (around $10 per hour) now?

If your husband works full-time (and it sounds like it) he is making $15k per year at the Federal minimum wage. You say he has been getting raises, so he likely makes more.

You need to be sure that there is a decent increase in pay now or in your future prospects for the move to be worthwhile. If the numbers you reported are accurate, it sounds like the current benefit is not there. Also, have you considered cost of living in the new location? Costs for him to commute back home occasionally and see his family?

Sounds to me like you might want to do this for the personal satisfaction aspect. If so, that is perfectly legitimate, and it sound like you think you deserve the opportunity to do so. But, you would need to be honest and admit this move would be for you, rather than paint it as a win-win for you both.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

TerraldTheTerror said:


> It's only five hours away. I'm a military brat so I don't see it as a huge deal. I would be making enough so that he could stay at home until we get to daycare/school age though I wouldn't try to pressure him to do that if he didn't want to. My thing is, we would be able to provide for our child a lot better if we move. Though if we stay, my mother would probably fill in any gaps as far as anything we need for the baby.


I know you said there are psychological barriers to him getting his GED. However, if he can get past that, this may be a perfect opportunity to earn his GED and get either a degree or learn a trade. Then when you are ready to put your child in school he will have new opportunities. It could be a win win.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Your situation is more complicated than I thought. With his poor job prospects if you move, he is rightly concerned. He is stably employed now, and that probably helps his self-esteem, which has been ruined by his lack of education and put-downs from others.
> 
> If he moves, he'll probably be dependent on you, and will feel like he's a failure once again. That won't be good for him, and can easily lead to problems in your relationship.
> 
> IF he can find a job in the new location, and THEN you can accept your job offer, that would be ideal. Otherwise I think the damage to him may outweigh the benefits of moving.


Some of the others have a good point about the arithmetic.
Maybe you under explained it ?

The arithmetic notwithstanding, maybe MarriedbutHappy has the right idea.

Since you need to make a decision fast, what about a compromise; you have to move out of your apt?
If so, what if your husband stays behind with his family and continues to work until he can land a decent job in the new city and then move to join you? While you are there, and maybe on weekends he can come up and scout the area and look for work, meantime you can inquire about work while you are there.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

and I agree, no good psychologically and for the marriage for your husband to feel like he's not carrying his fair share.


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