# confused



## param (Jul 18, 2010)

hi
iam married for the last 3 years and we have a one year old son.i was not a good wife, i was spoilt and it took me a long time to be a good house wife.the problem is he had many relationships before he married that was never a problem for me.but he had an intense relationship wth a girl whom i never knew why he didnt get married to. after marriage almost everyday he spoke abt her, it irritated me but overall he was a loving husband.after my delivery i came back to our place and i found out that he is having an affair with this girl. she is calling her and he even brought her to my place when i was away. he agreed to this when i confronted this to him, he told me that its because of her that he is still normal i treated him like **** and she brought him back to a normal life.i always thoght we had a normal life, nomatter what he was the only one for me.now he is tellin me that he cant leave her he is not going to meet her again, he has told her that he is seperated and that she was completely broken down earlier now she has come back to normalcy becoz he is in her life. he is tellin me that they have no sexual relationship its pure love and all that , i still see her callin him and giving him missed calls all the time.i love him a lot and dont think divorce will help. coz i will be miserable wthout him, but i get so irritated and depressed these days and now i feel i need to have an extra marital affair.he told me that u be haapy wth what u have i will never leave u but i duuno what to do?plz help


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Param,
Unless you signed up for an open marriage, what you guys have going on is not a real marriage. He is having an affair and you are comtemplating having one in order to even things out. You guys could have dated other people and not been married.


I believe that part of what happened is that you were "not a good wife" as you said and your husband took that as an opportunity to step out. Mind you, I am not justifying his actions because he's wrong for cheating. However, I believe that he has detached himself from you emotionally and that is why he is going back to the ex. See, whenever he sees her, it's all good times and with you, it's "real life" because you guys have real issues to deal with. Also, as you said, he had her on brain from the start of the relationship with you. By the way, i don't know your husband but I would bet that he and her are indeed having sex. Please don't buy that "it's no sex, just love" crap. 

Now, as to what you should do. You expressed that you won't divorce him because you'd be miserable. Well, that option is off of the table. You guys can try therapy but I honestly feel that therapy only works when BOTH people are involved. Right now, he has you and the ex, what incentive does he have to change? My suggestion is that you see if he'll go to counseling. If not, you need to decide if you can live the rest of you life like this. As far as you having your own affair, you should leave before doing that. I mean, if you have a man that is openly cheating and treating you like crap, you need to think about what exactly are you trying so hard to hold onto? I hope this helps. Good luck.


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## param (Jul 18, 2010)

hi 
thanx for the reply.things are a little more complicated in my case.when i found out that he was having an affair i decided that i will leave him coz he was openly cheating on me no matter what justification he had i would have never done such a thing wth anyone.but he was so miserable and he actually fell sick when i told abt me leaving him.i know he loves me and i doubt whether he can lead a normal life wth her.i have tried to convince him for counseling but he is against it he says he cant open up his problems in front of a stranger.off late i have become so depressed and i dont want to start hating him and fighting all the time infront of my son.he is tellin me that she is a dear friend he cant leave her now coz she will be emotionally crushed. i dunno how far it is true..as for having sex she is in another country..i dont like the fact that she is constantly in touch wth him on phone...


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## param (Jul 18, 2010)

param said:


> hi
> thanx for the reply.things are a little more complicated in my case.when i found out that he was having an affair i decided that i will leave him coz he was openly cheating on me no matter what justification he had i would have never done such a thing wth anyone.but he was so miserable and he actually fell sick when i told abt me leaving him.i know he loves me and i doubt whether he can lead a normal life wth her.i have tried to convince him for counseling but he is against it he says he cant open up his problems in front of a stranger.off late i have become so depressed and i dont want to start hating him and fighting all the time infront of my son.he is tellin me that she is a dear friend he cant leave her now coz she will be emotionally crushed. i dunno how far it is true..as for having sex she is in another country..i dont like the fact that she is constantly in touch wth him on phone...


i need help plzz advice, more answers plzzz


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Hi Param,

I am not sure that I have more answers but I can give you my opinion about some of this. You said that the ex lives in another country so no sex. I get that but do understand that he is probably having an emotional affair. You are his wife and he is supposed to get his needs fulfilled by you. I think that his emotional needs are being met elsewhere.

As far as you feeling the need to have an affair, why do that? If your goal is to get him back, do you really feel that sleeping with someone else is going to make that happen? Also, if you are having he affair "just for you", are you prepared for the consequences if he finds out?

You say that he won't go to counseling, that is really not a good sign. I say this because he needs to want to go to counseling for it to help. Also, he may be reluctant to go to counseling because he KNOWS it won't help because he just does not love you. I am not trying to hurt you but his actions are not that of a person who loves you. They are the actions of a person who is greedy. He likes having his ex and you in whatever capacity he wants. My advice is that you cannot win a person over that does not want to be won over. You cannot make a person treat you with love and respect if they do not want to. All you can control is you.

Here is my advice, set a mental time table in your head. Give him 6 months, a year, or even just 3 months to show some progress. DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT IT AND DO NOT GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM! Try your best to be a good wife, to talk to him, and to see if he can be the husband that you need. If he cannot by that mental deadline, leave and get on with your life. Life is far too short to deal with bullsh*t...especially from those who are supposed to love you. Good luck, Param.


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## param (Jul 18, 2010)

i am so detached these days that i cant even concentrate on my work.i can see him chattin wth her and hiding the laptop when i go near him, openly declaring that he is chatting wth her.what iam i supposed to do?she calls her in the middle of the night and i have seen him answering the calls too.leaving him means i will be all alone, i dont know whether i have the guts help help help plz


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You have to decide whether you are willing to live like this, with him but actually alone, or just be alone without his aggravation.

I don't like ultimatums but I think you have to tell him that there can't be two women in his live an that you will be moving on with your life.


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## param (Jul 18, 2010)

i just bumped on a pic of both of them together which was her profile pic in her chat id, i felt so angry that i send her a mail asking her to take him or leave him, when he came back he told me that the pic was taken before our marriage(i dunno maybe its correct). late today he found out abt the mail and blasted me for doing that. i think she was very upset abt it.. he told me that i have always told u everything i would have ended this in my way but u came in between and made a mess of everything the issue is very delicate and so on... he is very angry wth me and i asked him if he is going to be like for the rest of our lives he told he diidnt knw.what should i do? i dont want a divorce for the sake of my son and coz i still love him a lot...i was never a good wife and when i found abt all this i was acting very frustrated and angry..


i need more answers plz.....


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Hi Param,

I am not trying to be hurtful and I really want you to listen and be honest with yourself about what I am about to say. I think that you have been given all of the answers that you need. Your issue is that you have not been given the answers that you want to hear. I think that you want us to tell you how you can get him to stop his emotional affair with her and be the husband that you want. The truth of the matter is that we don't have the solution to that problem. The fact of the matter is that you cannot force a person to do what they do not want to do. And, once a person does not love you, I believe (other people may disagree) that you cannot make a person love you again. They need to discover that love on their own. I will say that the fact that he is chatting and hiding the computer from you is a horrible sign. Also, the fact that he is putting himself and his ex above you is very telling. For whatever reason, he has chosen his and her happiness over yours. And, the only person who knows why is your husband.

All you can control in this situation is you. YOU can decide whether or not you want to deal with this situation as it stands. YOU can decide if you want to leave and try to find happiness elsewhere. My feeling is that your husband does not respect you or care to make you happy. He has pretty much disrespected you to your face. My only suggestion for you is the one that I gave before. You can see if he'll go to therapy. If he doesn't, you can try to be a good wife and see if that changes him. Ultimately, I think that you are going to have to decide how much crap you want to put up with. I really hope that you are able to find happines because life is far to short to live in so much pain. Take care, Param.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How have you been a bad wife? By allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat? By putting up with his crap? By emailing his girlfriend and telling her to back off?

Have some self-respect and either get him to a marriage counselor or go yourself so you can figure out how to end this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call his family and friends and HER family and friends, and tell them that they are having an affair.


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## catsy101 (Aug 3, 2010)

Param, first off I am very sorry and sadened for you that you are in this situation.

However, you need more self-esteem. This man is cheating on you. I think deep down you know this. Yet, you say, you would be miserable without him. You need to do something empowering and you do need to leave him high and dry and take your child with you.

First off, if I were you, I would call this woman's mom, and tell the mom that her daughter is screwing your husband. After that, I would call the girl and tell her you just found out the man she is dating has HIV. Oh, and don't tell her who you are. She will break it off pretty fast when she hears her F-buddy has forced her to be tested for months before determining she does not have this disease. Plus her mother will be all over her ass for cheating with a married man. Yes, it is mean. Yes, it is cruel. But so is your husband being a nasty sob and screwing around with another woman behind your back. He deserves it. This woman knows he is married so imho she deserves it too, KWIM?

Than I would get a lawyer and tell the lawyer your husband is screwing around with another woman. Tell him the other woman is getting HIV tested so your husband has put YOUR health at risk for cheating with you on a woman who may have a serious disease. This will end with you getting full custody of your child and you can make your ex crawl through hoops constantly just to see the child whenever YOU feel like being nice to him.

Do something empowering first. When you are done, find a good man who will put up with your baggage and will love you despite it. Someone who will never cheat on you, someone who would never dream of making you cry. THIS is what YOU deserve. And your ex? He deserves to end up realizing what a wonderful wife he HAD, how much he LOVED you, and to see YOU HAPPIER THAN HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO TREATS YOU LIKE YOU SHOULD BE TREATED.

JMHO Good luck


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## param (Jul 18, 2010)

thank u for the answers...
iam deciding on what to do , dont want to take a hasty decision. i come from a society where it is very difficult to lead a single life and divorce is never an option here. anyways i will take a strong decision soon..
as for informing her family is concerned they already know abt this and are telling her not to ruin my family but she thinks iam seperated from him(thats what he has told her)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So call her up and tell her.


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## keke1 (Dec 26, 2010)

Girl calling her will only make matters worse in my opinion...she will tell you things that will play in your mind over na dover again...get some strenght and courage and leave...he is only doing it because you allow him...I often tell my girls you only get respect whne you respect yourself and right now you are not....packs your bags and take your sone and leave...will it be hard yes...will it be am emotional rollar cooster yes...but you will make it...get back into yourself he is not the last man on this earth...love you...get into theraphy quick if you can...

Two wrongs don't make it right don't go out there and do what he has done...it aint worth it degrading yourself because he has done it...

I pray it all works out for you and your son!!!!!!


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