# separate bedrooms



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

curious as to how many of you sleep in separate bedrooms and for what reason?

for me, i have been told to sleep in the other room several times and eventually "allowed" to return to the bedroom. this last time, after we had been living like "roommates" for months and virtually sexless we had an argument and she told me to sleep in the other room.

that was five weeks ago. when she had cooled down a few days later, she said i could sleep in the bedroom. i said no thanks, that i wasn't going to go back in only to get thrown out again. besides, don't "roommates" sleep in separate rooms anyways?

what's your take?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No matter how bad our fight, we always sleep together.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

The only time we sleep apart is when one of us is really sick/ill, and then one or the other of us usually goes to the spare bedroom to sleep so we don't disturb the other one and hopefully, don't make them ill either. 

My take in your situation, though, is that you shouldn't relinquish your place in the master bedroom. If she's having a snit about something, you should hold your ground on sleeping in your own bed, and if SHE wants to go sleep in the spare room, then she can take her pillow and go.

Obviously, there's more going on here in your relationship that you haven't mentioned, but if you don't want to be in roommate status, then you will have to bite the bullet, define, set, and hold to your boundaries, and work on changes toward that end.

Best wishes.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

When we first got married, I used to get up and leave in the middle of the night because he snored. I kept my own little retreat in the spare bedroom. Hubby HATED this. I thought he was being stupid but he really hated it (it was during the relatively sexless part of our marriage too). When my first son came along, I was forced to stick it out in the bed with him. I bought some Mac's earplugs and have remained in our bed ever since.


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## Antigen (Apr 9, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> for me, i have been told to sleep in the other room several times and eventually "allowed" to return to the bedroom.


You ever consider just saying "No, I'll sleep right here in my own bed, you're welcome to sleep anywhere in the house, thank you very much".


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

thanks for your comments. during our fights she usually storms off into the bedroom. when the kids were home we put a lock on it so we could have some privacy. sometimes she locks it but she usually just tells me to sleep elsewhere.

she has gotten physical with me and i really don't want to let things go that far so i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom. i know that be accepting this in the past i have made it an acceptable response from her and that is why i don't feel i should go back into the bedroom.


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## Antigen (Apr 9, 2012)

It sounds like you're scared of her, at the very least you allow her to intimidate you.

For one thing, she's not going to respect a man who is afraid of her.

I don't know if you're looking for possible solutions to this problem or just wondering if anyone else has the same issue but I'd suggest you remove the lock from the door, and not allow her to push you around. Oh, and the next time she gets physical call the police.



Married&Confused said:


> i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom.


It's not about the bedroom, it's about power and control and you're losing.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> t...during our fights she usually storms off into the bedroom.


The cause of the bedroom separation is the fighting. I don't know about these fights, but one can imagine that either you win them or she wins them or they end in a draw... her running off to the bedroom and locking you out may be her way of winning some part of the fight, or her way of winning all of it, or her way of punishing you for winning, or, or, or, there's no way I can find causation without having the two of you explain it to me. 

What I can say is this: to avoid having her lock you out of the bedroom... change the manner in which you discuss differences of opinion. Sit down and calmly go over why it is that she feels a need to storm off and lock you out and make a plan to avoid that outcome. In other words: find a better way to resolve differences. 

This is just the sort of thing a couples counselor can help you with if you can't do it yourselves, but I would try it yourself first. Set down rules you both can agree on, and change the old way you communicate to a new one that either reduces your ability to make her feel like storming off, or reduces her inability to deal calmly with the discussion. 

It's not about the bedrooms, it's about the fighting.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

MrVanilla said:


> The cause of the bedroom separation is the fighting. I don't know about these fights, but one can imagine that either you win them or she wins them or they end in a draw... her running off to the bedroom and locking you out may be her way of winning some part of the fight, or her way of winning all of it, or her way of punishing you for winning, or, or, or, there's no way I can find causation without having the two of you explain it to me.
> 
> What I can say is this: to avoid having her lock you out of the bedroom... change the manner in which you discuss differences of opinion. Sit down and calmly go over why it is that she feels a need to storm off and lock you out and make a plan to avoid that outcome. In other words: find a better way to resolve differences.
> 
> ...


all of the above is true. as she has been violent in the past i am afraid of her. she has said she would call the police on me. she drinks to a point of being tipsy and that is when the problems start.

discussions always start out civilized and then deteriorate. despite how i try to keep the discussion on how we can improve things going forward, she finds a need to beat me up for things in the past. then when i refuse to rehash old issues, she gets frustrated and angry.

we went to marriage counseling and when the marriage counselor started pointing out some of my wife's issues, she refused to go. i see an individual counselor but my wife refuses to see one.

i appreciate all of your comments.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Married young, stayed young minded, slept in different rooms almost 10 years out of our 15 year marriage. I enjoyed the space and quiet, she enjoyed hanging out with the girls (all girls here). They slept with mom, I slept alone. However, this had nothing do with our sex life, as we would still be very sexually active, but when it was time to sleep, different rooms.

This changed last year, for good. I became a man to my wife, she became a woman. Our sex went from high school sex and lazy immature bjs, to mind blowing sex and porn star bjs. Everything changed for the better, our attitudes, the idea of "ewww it's so messy and sticky" to "omg, I love it...." A positive attitude towards each other and intimacy can change so much. She wanted me back in the room, I wanted the kids 100% out of the room at night. I wanted to sleep nude with my wife, and that just wasn't possible with the kids around. In fact, I couldn't even use my own shower, being the only man in the house. The kids took over and me and my wife sleeping in seperate rooms definitely created a huge gap in our lives (even though I never noticed as it was happening). In fact, I was stubborn and denied all advice. "We are different, it works for us!" Anyway, we compromised and I no longer get my "quiet space" and she no longer has to wear clothing to bed.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The fact that you so easily relinquish your bed at your wife's command is the core of your problem.

The few times my wife has been pissed enough to sleep away from me she`s the one who has hit the couch.

She wouldn`t even dream of telling me to get out of my own bed because she knows the reaction she`d get.

This works both ways, if I don`t want to be near her I go hit the couch.

If you just want to be away from someone you get away from them.
Telling them to get away from you sounds like more of a control issue than an anger issue.

When you allow her to control you in this way she will lose respect for you and that`s where the real damage begins.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

:iagree: with tacoma. You're letting her push you around. Stop.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife has demanded power over you and you have willingly surrendered it. You now have three choices.

1. Accept the status quo. Keep trying passive aggressive measures like refusing her invitation back into your bedroom, hoping that she will understand that she's hurt your feelings, feel guilty, and change her behavior. I doubt that will work. But, you could keep trying it.
2. Improve your attitude about the status quo. Your wife is letting you live in her house and all you have to do is put up with some yelling and rare physical confrontations. Put on your happy face and remind yourself how lucky you are to be married to such a peach.
3. Change the status quo. Take your power back from your wife. Decide that you were wrong to give it up and that you will not allow a woman to have complete power over you anymore. This may lead to a better marriage. It may also lead to divorce.

I think those are your only choices. Most here will tell you to pick #3. But you have to decide for yourself.

Good luck.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> all of the above is true. as she has been violent in the past i am afraid of her. she has said she would call the police on me. she drinks to a point of being tipsy and that is when the problems start.


Man, that's tough. A drunk wife who gets physical? Still, you need to make a stand. Tell her calmly, when she's not tipsy, that she will no longer get physical with you. The next time she does, you WILL call 911. Then...you do it. Have a VAR in your pocket, if legal in your state, and maybe that will keep you out of the back of the police car.

On the lock, that shyte needs to be gone today. If she puts another one on, I'd take the FN door off the hinges and chunk it in the backyard. You sleep in your bed tonight. She can find another place to lay her head if she has a problem with that.

Why do you stay with this woman?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> she has gotten physical with me and i really don't want to let things go that far so i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom.


This is unacceptable and must stop.



> i know that be accepting this in the past i have made it an acceptable response from her and that is why i don't feel i should go back into the bedroom.


What do you get when you do what you`ve always done?

You obviously don`t like where you`re at and what you`re doing so change is needed and in my opinion moving back into your own bed and holding fast to some new self-centered boundaries will fix this problem for you one way or another.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Her Majesty the Queen and Prince Phillip sleep in separate bedrooms....!!! 

My parents in law do aswell....because he snores! I think as you get older sleeping 'together' becomes less important.
Three bedrooms..one for her, one for him and one for screwing the hell out of each other in!! YEAH!

Putting aside all my sexual frustrations with my wife, I have never liked sleeping in a double bed, one duvet etc. 
I want my own mattress (6ft double bed, 2 x 3ft mattresses), my own duvet. 
I enjoy cuddling/spooning etc but when it comes down to actually sleeping, I like my own space.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

M & C - just read you post about violence. Until just over 8 years ago I was a police officer (not the USA!). 

Traditionally in a domestic violence situation we generally took the womans side (there and then) because generally it WAS teh husband who thumped the wife etc....it wasnt until things got to court that the truth really came out.....he thumped her because if he didnt she would have knifed him etc. But at the scene with tempers flaring and emotions running high, we nearly always 'removed' the male.

When I left, things were, fortunately, changing. We were 'removing' more and more women.

So MC...8 years on, I am quite sure things have progressed even further....just because you are a male doesnt mean your wife can abuse you physically (or emotionally).... if she is drunk and you fear for her (or your) safety, call 911.
If she assaults you, call 911

Please believe me, Police today are FAR more aware of domestic violence being instigated by the female.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

7737 said:


> Her Majesty the Queen and Prince Phillip sleep in separate bedrooms....!!!


LOL. With respect, 7737, that family is hardly a model of healthy relationships


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> she has gotten physical with me and i really don't want to let things go that far so i'm not looking for a dispute over territory in the bedroom.


The getting physical part is going to a whole 'nother level. IMO, the instant she gets physical with you, she needs to be finding a separate address, not just a separate room.

If I were in your shoes, the next time she lays a finger on me I would have her arrested and hauled off, refuse to bail her out, and get a protection order to keep away from me and any children. Then I'd work on the divorce ASAP.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> curious as to how many of you sleep in separate bedrooms and for what reason?
> 
> for me, i have been told to sleep in the other room several times and eventually "allowed" to return to the bedroom. this last time, after we had been living like "roommates" for months and virtually sexless we had an argument and she told me to sleep in the other room.
> 
> ...


No one throws me out of my bedroom.

That said this is not about bedrooms.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

After reading through the thread, I see there are a lot of issues, not just the bedroom thing, but I'll just post what I did with this situation.

Both me and my significant other are divorced. She admitted to me when we started living together that with her ex-husband she banned him from the bedroom a lot. Now me and her, we have a fantastic relationship, but even so, I still told her (politely) that she shouldn't ever do that to me. It is OUR house (well, technically mine but I've always reeferred to it as our house) and that means it is OUR bedroom as well. So I told her that if she were to ever lock me out of the bedroom or tell me to go sleep someplace else (without one heck of a fantastic, undenaible reason) that I would leave and put the house up for sale. There is no reason whatsoever why anyone should have to sleep elsewhere outside of medical issues, sleeping issues or something like an affair. I can not understand why any guy (outside of the above reasons) allows himself to be booted from his own bedroom. 

The only time someone tells me where to sleep is the undertaker when he sticks me in the dirt.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> curious as to how many of you sleep in separate bedrooms and for what reason?
> 
> for me, i have been told to sleep in the other room several times and eventually "allowed" to return to the bedroom. this last time, after we had been living like "roommates" for months and virtually sexless we had an argument and she told me to sleep in the other room.
> 
> ...


This last January she slept in the guest room for 4 weeks. She received counsel from her "christian" counselor and friends that this was the right thing to do. If she ever does that again she will never be allowed back in our bedroom again.


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## ily101008 (Jun 15, 2012)

My husband jokes around and tells me that he would sleep better if we slept apart, because I am a bed hog. Lol, but he works third shift so he is gone five nights out of the week, so I sleep on the couch those nights, as I don't like being in bed by myself. But on his days off when he is home at night, no matter how big and huge the fight may be about something we always still sleep together. 


Have you tried not fighting, or aruging but talking to her about why she does it? Even though she has gotten physical with you she may run and hide in bedroom out of fear. I know this is bad but I have gotten physical with my husband before too, And after I realized I shoved him repeatedly away from me, I ran off to my bedroom too because at that time, I was worried about what he was going to do. She may also go lock herself in the bedroom out of just wanting the argument to be over. I know sometimes when husband and I argue I am still really pissed off, and don't want to be anywhere near him but I still force myself to get cuddled up to him that night and make it all better.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

lamaga said:


> No matter how bad our fight, we always sleep together.


This.

Sleeping in the same bed is especially good if you're having arguments. Once I'm in bed with H, it's hard to be mad, especially when it's cold and you need the warmth!

That... and if you wake up and you're cuddling, it's a bit weird to be angry at the same time  For me, being physically close to my H just makes any anger/annoyance melt away, and it's happened enough that we both now by now to 'hug it out' even if we want to slap the other person silly.


I'm sorry that you have the added pressure of violence from your wife  I think it would be best for her to get counselling or some sort of therapy for her drinking (if you think this is the problem?). No one should have to be afraid of their partnet, male or female. You don't deserve that! Try and get to the bottom of it, but remember that as much as your marriage is important to save, your safety comes first, so don't be afraid of calling her out when she become violent. It might even wake her up to her own behaviour.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

The only time I sleep apart from my husband is when I *really* need a good night's sleep and his snoring or my restlessness preclude that. Sometimes I leave the bed because I have to get up at 5 AM and his snoring is preventing my sleeping; sometimes it's because I'm tossing & turning and worried that I'm disturbing HIS sleep. Otherwise, I'm in bed with my husband. That's really where I prefer to be and I would NEVER use our bed as weapon. My mother taught me better.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

You are not acting like man!! Stand up to her but it sounds like it won't matter you have a bad situation and you need to end it NOW!!!!!


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