# Rejection becoming to much



## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

Hey everyone,

I have been reading these forums for a very long time and have seen so much great advice. I am just hoping ya'll can help me understand my current situation with my wife.

Sorry for the length.

Backstory:

Me: 34
Her: 32

Met in college and married two years later.
We have been married for 11 years. We have four children, three girls, 12,7, 6 months and a little boy in Heaven. 

Our relation ship has always been very strong and we both are not afraid to communicate with one another. When we met our sex life was unreal, most men would blush at it to be honest. Baby number one came and it slowed understandably but it was still pretty good.

Baby number 2 comes and it is ok but getting slower. This is where I start to notice small excuses like I would initiate at night and she would say that she is tired. I understood, but then she would say "I would really prefer it in the morning but you are not home in the morning." She says this knowing that I will be gone by 5am. This sounded like a convenient excuse at the time.

We move to a new state shortly after baby number two. 
I would stay up after everyone went to sleep and come to bed later, I would try to initiate she would say she is to tired or she has a stomach ache. She then said " well maybe it would happen more often if you came to bed with me" So I did for a whole year made it a point. Guess what, sex never happened during the week when I initiated.

By this time we are only having sex on the weekends which was only on Saturday night after the kids were asleep. No other times happened.

Two years ago we start to try and have baby number 3. Everything was great and easy, the pregnancy was perfect. Then at 26 weeks we learn our baby has passed. This was a very devastating time for us as we had to deliver our baby boy who would be sleeping. This did bring us closer together but the sex was very sparse. 

After this loss we were both putting sex on the back burner for a bit.

After healing and much talking we decided to try again, this time everything went great and we had our third daughter.During the pregnancy we did not have much sex out of fear.

After the baby arrived I started to talk with my wife about our sex life and that I was not happy about it. She used the standard sick, tired stuff I have heard for years.

This is the conversation we had last night.

I finally said to her
"we are in a marriage and that she is holding all of the cards and controlling 100% of our sex life. This is not fair to me and I feel inadequate as a man because of it, it only happens when you say it will period."

I asked her 
"do you think this is ok that you have all of the control in this part of our relation ship?"

She answered
" yes" As if this is a normal answer. 

She then says
"well you have control on the weekends, you get your one date even when I don't want to."

I stated
"you still pick the time and day how is this under my control?" 

I then said 
"so you have sex with me even when you don't want to, so that means that this is a chore to you just like doing the dishes."

She says

"no, I do it because I love you."

So to me it is still a chore.

One other thing she said was
"you don't understand I cook, I clean, I take car of three kids and I home school"

She has made this same exact statement many times in the last months.

But last night I responded with

" I understand that you work hard as do I but I do my best to be present and help you in every way possible, dishes, laundry, vacuum etc, but you know what, you have said this over and over but there is always one thing missing, you never mention ME as if I am not a part of your plan."

"I thought I was the one who helps you relax, take your stress away, be present and love you, apparently not."

I am honestly at a loss. I am becoming very resentful and feel disrespected by my wife.

This has been happening for years now and I am so unhappy.

Overall we do have a great marriage and I do everything I can to help my wife out.

She used to wear sexy stuff for me because she knows I love it, she always would do my favorite position just the things we loved doing together. Now there is no sexy outfits and now only missionary is on the table, maybe her on top once in a blue moon.
She knows I love foreplay, now there is none, it is straight to the point.

I love this woman as if she is part of my soul, but this is killing me. The rejection pain is so real and painful sometimes I leave the house so she won't see me in my moment of weakness.

I talk openly and tell her exactly how I feel, she just does not seem to care. She tells me I live in a fantasy world if I think I can come to bed and think that I can just ask for sex and get it.

Top excuses:

Tired, stomach ache, ear ache and headache. All things I can not disprove.

Please help. I love my wife, I love my family, but I do not want to die a miserable man.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Her desire is gone. You and her need to work together to figure out why. I have no doubt that she's probably tired much of the time. Don't know about the other aches. I can say that there's also something underlying her lack of desire.

While it may be true that she has all the power from a sexual standpoint, asking her if she thinks that's "fair" is NOT going to get you anywhere. That kind of talk will just push her further away. I can tell how truly frustrated you are and that's probably why you said that, but talking about who hold the power and trying to get her to admit to "unfairness" isn't the way to go.

You'll have to undo that damage before you can get her to open up. When a woman feels like she isn't safe to speak her truth to her SO, she'll also shut down sexually.


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. She does speak to me though, she is not afraid to tell me how she feels, but she is also not afraid to let me know that she IS in control.

This is something that has become so agonizing. It has infiltrated me wholly, I can not stop thinking about it. To be honest I am to the point where I just want to give up so I can stop feeling the pain of rejection.

We also discussed our love languages mine is physical while hers is acts of service. I go out of my way to perform acts of service daily and I am starting to think I am being taken advantage of. As for her there is no effort. I told her it is not always about sex, a simple hug or hand placement on my leg or shoulder can boost my mood dramatically, make me feel loved and wanted. But in one ear and out the other.

It's like I really don't matter to her. 

I just want to be happy.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Watch this: Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Talk Video | TED.com


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> There's one comment your wife made to you that I think speaks volumes about her desire. The statement was *She tells me I live in a fantasy world if I think I can come to bed and think that I can just ask for sex and get it.* and she's 100% correct.
> 
> For most women, desire starts in the mind. In the case of your wife, I can imagine the effort it takes her to mentally go from new baby + home school mom to sexy vixen. She's most likely preoccupied with the baby, the older two kids schooling, the housekeeping, and everything else that she does throughout the day. The weekly sex session you currently enjoy works well for her because it is scheduled. It allows her the time she needs to build up the desire in her mind. If you're not stoking the fires throughout the day, then she has to do it on her own.
> 
> Does scheduled sex bother you?



It's not like I just ask for it. I start the process earlier in the day especially on weekends. It starts with simple hugs, telling her she is beautiful, small kisses, house work etc. Also she takes it as I am just asking for it, but I rarely ask, I start soft with rubbing and talking and kissing, but ultimately I am rejected 99% of the time.

When I get home from 13 hours of work and 2 hours of driving I take the baby, give her a bath, entertain her, get her ready for bed, allow my wife to shower in peace give her time to herself. I am not just a slouch. 

I have told her on numerous occasions that I am not happy and she seems to just not give a crap at all. I have told her I want to go to counseling but she refuses. 

Yes always scheduling sex does bother me, it turns into another job. Also with my earlier comments everything about our sex life has changed. If she was into it when she has her scheduled time I would be much happier, but she is not into it, it's like a dang job to her and she shows it. It is rushed and emotionless. She has even said to me during sex can you just hurry up and get done.

I am having a feeling that this is not going to end well for my family.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

smugasabout said:


> Yes always scheduling sex does bother me, it turns into another job. Also with my earlier comments everything about our sex life has changed. If she was into it when she has her scheduled time I would be much happier, but she is not into it, it's like a dang job to her and she shows it. It is rushed and emotionless. She has even said to me during sex can you just hurry up and get done.


So she doesn't enjoy sex when she does do it? Does she O?


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

I love my wife very dearly and showing her affection every single day is on my priority list. She deserves all of it. 

But I am starting to wonder if this is a reciprocal thing.


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> So she doesn't enjoy sex when she does do it? Does she O?


I would say she enjoys it maybe 50% of the time. Yes she does O almost every time. She is one of the rare woman who can vaginally.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

So you hug her, tell her she's beautiful, do housework to "start the process" toward sex. If so, she may be turned off entirely. If I thought hugs and a compliment were done so that he could get sex later, I would be resentful. That isn't love; that's doing what needs to be done to get what you want and she feels it, I'm sure. Hope that's not the case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If your wife had sex with you more often simply because she loves you, how would you feel? On one hand you claim she controls your sex life, but if she relinquished control and had sex more often you'd still be unhappy because at the root of it is that you want her want it like you do. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not going be addressed by asking her what she thinks is fair in relation to the power balance.

Like someone else said, you guys need to get to the root of her desire issue. The way it stands now she could have sex 5 times a week and you'd still be unhappy because she did it for you. She probably is tired, and it's hard to go from mommy to sex goddess. On top of that, losing a baby is devastating and she may still have effects from that. 

When is the last time you guys had a date or went away together?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SurpriseMyself said:


> So you hug her, tell her she's beautiful, do housework to "start the process" toward sex. If so, she may be turned off entirely. If I thought hugs and a compliment were done so that he could get sex later, I would be resentful. That isn't love; that's doing what needs to be done to get what you want and she feels it, I'm sure. Hope that's not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes, it certainly could be interpreted as a covert contact and conditional affection. I think it's a catch 22 at this point because he's so starved for sex that it's always in his mind and she in turn feels like everything he does is ultimately for sex. 
When you're getting regular sex it's much easier to address the affection without expectation of sex thing. 

It's an ugly cycle.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> So you hug her, tell her she's beautiful, do housework to "start the process" toward sex. If so, she may be turned off entirely. If I thought hugs and a compliment were done so that he could get sex later, I would be resentful. That isn't love; that's doing what needs to be done to get what you want and she feels it, I'm sure. Hope that's not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


doing more housework rarely, if ever, works for a man to get more.

His needs/her needs might though.

He should be reading MMSLP for sure.


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

SurpriseMyself said:


> So you hug her, tell her she's beautiful, do housework to "start the process" toward sex. If so, she may be turned off entirely. If I thought hugs and a compliment were done so that he could get sex later, I would be resentful. That isn't love; that's doing what needs to be done to get what you want and she feels it, I'm sure. Hope that's not the case.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your misconstruing what I am saying. I do this things out of love for my wife. If she happens to want sex later fine. But you are painting a completely wrong picture. My goal is to make her feel good about herself.


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> If your wife had sex with you more often simply because she loves you, how would you feel? On one hand you claim she controls your sex life, but if she relinquished control and had sex more often you'd still be unhappy because at the root of it is that you want her want it like you do. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not going be addressed by asking her what she thinks is fair in relation to the power balance.
> 
> Like someone else said, you guys need to get to the root of her desire issue. The way it stands now she could have sex 5 times a week and you'd still be unhappy because she did it for you. She probably is tired, and it's hard to go from mommy to sex goddess. On top of that, losing a baby is devastating and she may still have effects from that.
> 
> When is the last time you guys had a date or went away together?



I lost a baby also and I cry weekly about it over a year later. I work my a off for my family which is exhausting. I am tired I am burnt out I have just as much responsibility as she does this is a team effort. The difference is I am not willing to use it as an eternal excuse to avoid my spouse.

I tell my wife all the time no matter how tired I am or busy, if you need me I will never turn you away, why? Because I love her.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Some thoughts:

1. stop trying so hard to get sex. It's not sexy.

2. stop accepting duty sex. It is clearly unsatisfying to both of you.

3. stop doing stuff around the house with the expectation that it will lead to sex. If you do stuff, do it because you think it needs to get done. If you don't think it needs to get done, don't do it. Erase any sense that you are your wife's errand boy.

4. start doing other things that you enjoy. you are not getting as much from her as you used to, so you need to replace that with something else.

5. get some new clothes-- start dressing better. even around the house if you're doing nothing. just look your best at all times. 

6. When you talk to her, keep it light and flirtatious. Avoid complaining. If the two of you didn't know each other and were on a first date, how would you act? Talk to her like that.


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## smugasabout (Nov 8, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> Some thoughts:
> 
> 1. stop trying so hard to get sex. It's not sexy.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.

For item 3 though I do this because I can see that it needs to be done not because I expect something in return. It is part of managing the household. I also know that after I do the dishes or laundry I can visibly see the relief in my wife, it makes me feel good that one less stress in on her plate.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Cool-- if you're doing things for the right reason, that's great. Only you know that.

The main point is to regain autonomy for yourself and how you behave. 

Your wife is the gatekeeper to sex. You can't change that. What you can change is to make the area behind that gate less significant.

Don't allow her control of this one thing have so much importance. 

From the way you've described it, it sounds completely unsatisfying. If you were dating a girl and she put you through the ringer to get laid like you are with your wife, wouldn't it seem completely ridiculous? Well it is.

Edit:
By ridiculous I mean, treat it like something humorous. Not something that is even worth getting annoyed about.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I've suggested this before:

1 - Find out what her needs are. Have her verbalize them.

2 - Meet those needs on a consistent basis.

3 - As you meet them, have her confirm you did. For example if one of her needs is nonsexual intimacy (cuddling) and you cuddle one night watching a movie, the next day you ask her if she enjoyed it. Do this for all her needs. Reason comes later.

4 - In the meantime don't expect sex, but continually try to initiate. You don't want her to say later "but you never asked for sex" or "you never initiate any more".

5 - After a while of meeting her needs and still an unacceptable level of intimacy have a talk with her. Tell her that an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" (not "sex") is one of your needs. Point out where you have been meeting her needs. Show that you asked what they were, she told you, you listened and acted.

6 - Explain to her that an "intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship" goes hand-in-hand with monogamy. You promised monogamy but not celibacy.

7 - Explain to her that unless your needs are met, you will be unlikely/unable to meet her needs. When that happens, the marriage is over.

8 - Divorce must be on the table. Otherwise her unacceptable behavior has no consequences and she knows it.

9 - Remember that everything in marriage is a compromise. You my want sex 5 times per week. She wants it once every two weeks. Reality will be somewhere in the middle, just like most things in a marriage.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

The bad part of all of this is, you're not the only one out there with this problem.
Another bad thing is, in my case, it won't get any better.
All I feel like now, at this point, is her security blanket.

Good luck dude!!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> Some thoughts:
> 
> 1. stop trying so hard to get sex. It's not sexy.
> 
> ...


Some good advice there.

NEVER accept pity sex or duty sex. The moment you do, you start losing her respect and attraction. She may not even realize it, but it is happening. No guy climbing on top of her for sex when she has clearly demonstrated she is not into it will ever make her panties wet.

You've already gone down that road, but you can reverse it.

The next time you initiate, and she gives you the "oh, go ahead!" or "can you hurry this up" schtick, stop what you're doing immediately, get off her, and calmly go back to what you're doing, turn on the TV, or just leave the room. Her reaction will likely be something like "what? No, really, I'm sorry, it's okay, let's make love". The reversal is already starting at that point. If she doesn't react like that, repeat as necessary until she does react like that.

Don't get all mopey. Just go matter of factly about what you were doing before you initiated.

I would give it at least a couple months of this (come on...you have gone a few months without sex before and lived, right?). Along with some of the other tips (improving appearance, etc). Just be you. Confident, looking sharp, maybe start working out to increase your "sexual rank". And refuse pity or duty sex. Sooner (or hopefully not later) she should respond.

Try to be happy without it (sex)...for now...until you see how this plays out and works. Do what you normally do, but stop doing "extra" for her. She should "sense" in a way that you're pulling away...but not so much that you're being a d!ck about it. Just stop NEEDING to have your "needs" met by her, be as happy as you can for this trial period, and go about your business. Start doing more for you (get out of the house once a week for a hobby or something. Start working out. Dress nicer. You need to "pull back" a little, BUT be ATTRACTIVE while doing it! (Anger, moping, etc., is NOT attractive to women).

You do that, coupled with refusing her crap (pity sex), and she will likely take notice AND become a little unsettled by it all. THAT is what you want. A "comfortable" wife often has lost that sense of needing to "pull" you in and make you happy, because she knows you're sticking around no matter what. And she doesn't have to put in the "work" anymore to keep you. The irony here is she wants a man she has to work to keep, and if she doesn't, she resents you for it down deep in a way, and is losing attraction for you as a result.

IME, all this sex avoidance (in an otherwise good relationship) typically starts with a few instances of a man accepting pity sex from a woman. I see it as a form of chit test. If you fail the test, she loses attraction...and the snowball...it starts a rollin', gaining size and speed. You would never have accepted that when you were first going out, and if she thought you would have acted like that with another woman, it would probably give her the creeps, and make her question what you felt of your own self worth. That's not going to change now just because SHE is the one offering up the pity sex.

My W and I went through a little dry spell not long ago. A period of a few months where it was hit or miss, maybe once every couple of weeks, stretching to a few weeks once. She was pizzing me off with her lack of excitement and being "into it". She hadn't initiated in a month or two. She never threw pity sex at me (other than once trying "I'm a little tired, but we can if you want". I refused.), but she just was not acting hugely interested to start (even though she always' O's and has a great time once we do). She kept wanting to do just the whole missionary thing. Started to resist foreplay, and just wanted it "in her". Didn't want me to go down on her. BJ's were becoming more scarce. I mentioned to her that I'd like for us to get a little more varied in bed...like we used to...and try to not let our sex life get boring. She agreed...but...the vanilla sex remained. Final straw was when I went to turn her over to do doggie while we were having sex. She resisted. Said she didn't want to. I got a little playful and forceful, slapped her butt, and told her to turn over (no different than I'd done hundreds of times in the past...which she loved). She said something to the effect of "oh, ok, (a little frustrated tone in her voice) but don't go deep" (she had NEVER said anything like that before). That was it. I was done. Erection killer for me. Got off, got dressed, and went to the living room and turned on TV. 

Naturally she followed. "Oh my god, what's wrong? Come back to bed...it's okay, we can do it how you want". Me? "Nothing's wrong...just don't think I need sex so much that I'll put up with a disinterested partner...ever. Because I don't, and I won't. I don't have sex with women who are not excited about having sex with me. That's all. If you don't want good, exciting sex with me, that's fine, I know where we stand." I did not follow her back up to bed, or initiate with her again after that. Just went about my business. Kept working out. Kept going out with the guys once a week. I was by all accounts "happy". But I stopped initiating with her. Period. Stopped the sexy talk and innuendos. Started pulling back a little, but was still cordial and mostly loving with her (but the things SHE loves...cuddling, foot rubs, passionate kisses, etc., well, I stopped that ch!t). 

Things changed, pretty damned dramatically, in the following weeks.

The more effort she put in and desire she showed, the more I started to put back in. 

Never once did I mope, cry, whine, beg, or act like a d!ck about it all. I just went about my business, looking as good as I could, working out, and being "happy". It was up to her at that point to realize that if we continued down this road...she risked someone else stepping in where she wasn't.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

Get it now and read it.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Oh, and if and when at some point she starts coming around, really trying and showing interest...give it a little time, and do something nice for her...only her, where she KNOWS there is zero expectation of sex from you.

Mommies get tired and beat down from being mommies (and mommies often don't feel "sexy"). If she comes around, think about doing something like booking her a long appointment at a day spa. Manicure, pedicure, massage...the works. Book her a nice hotel room close by. Someplace she can get room service, relax in a tub, just watch TV or read a book. Just for her. You'll be staying at home with the kids this day and night. A "break" from the kids (and you) can be very revitalizing. And she'll appreciate it (hopefully) for the no sexual strings attached gift it is.

But, make sure she has come around first. If she hasn't, she'll think you're doing this as a means to get sex, rather than just doing something nice and thoughtful for her. And, if she hasn't come around and shown you some real change and desire to please, should you be going out of your way to do it for her? Uhm, no.

Finally, yes it's tough being a mommy, and it can wear a person down. HOWEVER, were you two to divorce, don't think for a second that while still being a mommy, she wouldn't be MAKING time to date, and be extremely sexual with a new suitor. The only difference between that and her life with you is that she doesn't feel the desire or attraction, and feels she does not have to "work" to keep you. It's up to you to create the attraction and tension she needs to ramp up her libido...even as a mommy.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> ...but if she relinquished control and had sex more often you'd still be unhappy because at the root of it is that you want her want it like you do.


How did you reach that conclusion?

I don't see any complaints about her lack of desire per se. I do see several complaints about the lack of effort (missionary only, low frequency, passivity). If his wife said "right now my sex drive is low, but I will take good care of you because I love you", and followed through, there is a good chance the OP would be happy.

Horny is always best. But the perception that guys don't want sex unless their partners are horny is false. Sure, there are some guys like that, but most guys are reasonable and will recognize and appreciate a consistently high level of effort.

To the OP: if you are insisting that your wife be actually horny, you need to back off of that. It is highly possible or probable that she cannot control innate drive, and insisting on it will frustrate her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> 8 - Divorce must be on the table. Otherwise her unacceptable behavior has no consequences and she knows it...


Yes. And while on the subject, you need to do something about your work schedule, because:

1) If your wife does become serious about repairing the marriage, it will be tough to do so if you are gone 16 hours a day.

2) If you do need to bring divorce into the open as an option, you need to be in a position to take care of the kids. How do you think you will fare in a divorce in your current situation? Little custody and lots of support. And, your relationship with them will be better for being more available, whether the marriage lasts or not.

Plus, working that many hours has to be tough, regardless of how much you like your job. It's nice for your wife to not have to work, but you're pushing yourself very hard, and your wife does not seem particularly happy either.

Have you ever thought about enrolling the kids in school, you scaling back, and your wife getting a job? Besides the advantages listed above, your W also would not be able to use that excuse of being stuck at home all day against you.


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

A silly suggestion, but still.

Have you tried sleeping in different bedrooms? For she could be ALONE at least some part of the day. She is overwhelmed with the family - she hardly has a second off to be just alone, physically. Sometimes sleeping alone allows far better relaxation than sleeping with the husband (even not having sex). Plus it brings up the lack of physical contact. So if say you would try sleeping 4 nights separate and 3 nights together, in random order throughout the week? 
Also, do you do anything together in bed apart from sleeping or making love? I mean watching a movie, talking, unriddling sudoku - whatever.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

Maybe you could come up with a deal to have sex twice a week instead of just once? It might have to be scheduled too, but it's not too overwhelming of a suggestion to your wife, instead of sex-when-I-want-it for example. Then at least you're heading in the direction you want and she still knows when to expect it. You can work from there if it works for you.

Are you guys still having good conversations? If you're close throughout the day then she at least will have that connection and might be more mentally turned on once you're alone. Women often need to be mentally prepared for sex as well as turned on physically to have enjoyable sex. Less connection = less satisfying sex, which leads to wanting sex less often.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're both in your primes.

Four beautiful kids.

You realize that having four kids probably killed her sex drive, right? Her hormones probably are completely different now compared to before. Having four kids will do that.

Raising four kids will drain her big time. Feed them, cloth them, make food, make sure they're safe, know what they are doing, etc. That takes most of her life and stresses her out. Not surprising she isn't into sex much and it seems like a chore to her.

Raising four kids is a huge undertaking. It's not like raising one or two kids and still have a life to an extent.

Until the kids are old enough to start doing things on their own, go out with friends, learn to drive, get a part time job, in high school, years from graduating, her interest in sex will be zero or close to it.

Once the kids are out of the house, I bet yah, she will get a sex drive again, and things will be different.

If you worked say 70 hours each week, would you want sex all the time? What if she did? It would be like a chore to you, yes?

You can't honestly expect your wifee to have and raise four kids and still have a healthy high sex drive, right? You could of only had one or two kids......

I would never burden my wifee to have four kids, let alone threee, unless she honestly wanted a big family.

Maybe she didn't really want four kids?

Maybe she is scared about getting pregnant again?

I would suggest you go to the doctor, if you haven't already and get snipped. No more worries about getting her pregnant.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Watch this: Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Talk Video | TED.com


I found this video very comforting for my own situation, which is similar to the OP (posted a new thread but has not been moderated yet).

Anyway, I think it just confirms that the lack of desire is likely, but it doesn't offer much in the way of practical answers.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I agree with the other poster in that somewhere her desire left. Neither husband or wife should have to beg, guilt or schedule sex with their partner. I can relate to the "just another job" reference and "hurry up and get done". Going without is better than emasculating obligatory unemotional sex. My counselor once told me that "bad sex=bad marriage & bad marriage=bad sex. All you can do is try and reach her feelings for the desire loss. Don't beg, badger, guilt etc, let yourself lose interest too, maybe she'll notice & it will induce real conversation about it. Too many times sex becomes a weapon used for reward or punishment, one begs, the other denies, one feels empowered, the other deflated. Intimacy can't exist that way.


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