# Wife refuses to speak English



## NitroBiz (Jan 23, 2013)

I met my wife online and have been married for 7 years, it's had it's up's and down's but for the most part pretty happy. Ever since day one we've seemed to have a great connection with a borderline best friend relationship.

When I met her she was in LA but I got her to move up to my home town of Seattle where we lived for the first 6 years of our marriage. In 2010 we had our first child. After a horrific show storm and countless times of saying we 'hate our jobs' and visiting Brazil on vacation we decided together that we'd give Brazil a chance at a better life, since she is Brazilian. Year and half later our daughter is now two and will be 3 in March. I agreed to move to Brazil to give my wife the chance to be with her parents and seek out a better life but ever since then I feel that she has purposely excluded me and her perception of me and who I am has changed. Ever since moving to Brazil it seems as though my wife has changed into a completely different person. My wife has always been stubborn and opinionated but as soon as we moved down here her 'attitude' has intensified and it's like she doesn't even care or worry about my feelings or opinion anymore. She has become completely disrespectful.

I don't speak Portuguese all that well and my wife speaks perfect English. Upon moving to Brazil last year my wife decided without discussion with me to only speak Portuguese with our daughter. As a result of this I am unable to communicate with my daughter 98% of the time and it's getting to be very frustrating and disheartening. It is especially bad once my wife gets home and I feel like the odd man out. I feel like I am missing some of the best moments with my daughter and what's even worse in my opinion is that our marriage isn't do so well because of it. The dynamic of our marriage has changed considerably since we moved since I am no longer the main bread winner in the family and feel out of place in a new country without any of my family, friends or a real job. My daughter gets exposed to Portuguese from her Mom, Grandmother, Aunt, fellow students and teachers at her school and I only get to see her a few hours out of the day and weekends. I've tried talking to my wife about this and approached her from several different angles but she refuses to compromise. This is a growing problem for me and it infuriates me every-time I hear my wife speaking to my daughter in Portuguese.

Now I know there are a lot of families where the mother and father speak separate languages to their children but in my experience it's when the children are at a more advanced age and it's after the child knows both languages, not when only one parent is bilingual. In my case my daughter and I can't communicate. I've tried reading to her, making sure most of her TV and books are in English but it's just not enough. I think she can kinda understand me and vice-versa but there is a lot missing in our Father/Daughter relationship. The most important person in her life is her Mother (I understand that) and she is naturally going to want too follow her. So I'm left out and my feelings of being isolated grow stronger everyday.

So I ask, am I wrong to want my wife to speak English so I can feel included with our daughter at least until she can speak both languages or am I just being selfish? This is a HUGE deal to me because her inability to compromise tells me a bigger and deeper problem that she doesn't respect or care for my feelings anymore. I feel so out of place and disconnected not only from my daughter but my wife too. I am almost at my limit.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Your wife is NEVER leaving Brazil again.
2. She is ensuring your daughter will be unable to function in USA if YOU decide you want the family to move back there.
3. If you try to move the family ANYWHERE from Brazil, you will find yourself moving ALONE.
4. Wife is HAPPY there: has a job and family/emotional support. My guess is she won't care too much if YOU move back to USA (alone).

I appears you're screwed (sorry, but that's how it appears to me). Your wife is unwilling to compromise about ANYTHING.

Learn to speak Portuguese more fluently. Continue to look for better jobs in Brazil (I'm assuming you want to stay for your daughter). Continue to try to be a positive influence (in ALL areas) in your daughter's life.

It's a shame that your wife is being so selfish! Your daughter could have such a glorious life if she was bi-lingual and lived in different places around the world. Great for empathy, creativity, flexibility....


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## NitroBiz (Jan 23, 2013)

Your comments really upset me and solidifies what I've heard for the most part from some of my friends. I know I need to learn Portuguese more but in the mean while what's really upsetting is my wife unwilling to compromise in a effort to help our marriage and my relationship with our daughter.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree with everything slowly getting wiser stated but would add:

Your daughter, age 3, is at the perfect age to quickly grasp new languages. The child's developing brain, from age 3-13 is at it's zenith for language development. Prior to that, dual language development is still fine, but it tends to slow language acquisition a little, so that may be why your daughter doesn't seem to know much English. Fear not, she'll be okay.

Talk to her. A LOT. Read books in English together, as you have been doing which is GREAT! Encourage her to express her self in English whenever you are present. Praise her for every attempt and gently correct when needed. Teach her to write in English by writing her notes and asking her silly questions appropriate for her age. 

Do not ever allow anyone to come between you and your daughter. Even though you feel shut out by your wife, your daughter is a child and goes where she is led. Do not come between your wife and her daughter either. Your daughter must feel your love for her, never your anger toward her mother or frustration about your marriage.

For what it's worth, I think your wife's behavior toward you is despicable. Be the kind of man your daughter needs to have in her life, not the kind of man your wife is trying to force you to be.

I hope you have a support system in Brazil. You will need it. If you don't have a good circle of friends, get some pronto.

I also think your wife, now that she's back in Brazil, no longer needs the comfort and security you provided back in the states. It might be worth your time and effort to discover if there is a way to have a better relationship with her. But first you must care for yourself.


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## NitroBiz (Jan 23, 2013)

Well said Anon Pink, I'm trying my best to not establish a divide between my wife and I but it's getting increasingly harder everyday. I wrote her a well thought out email a few days ago expressing my displeasure of her not including me on her decision and to reconsider speaking English to our daughter in an effort to bring us all together on the same page. And she told me it was unfair to her. I may be dwelling on this too much since I don't have a job but when my wife gets home it should be a happy time for all members of the family talk and have fun, it's not. Now I almost dread her coming home cause I know I'll be left out.


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## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

Wow,
You are really dealing with a lot here so I wish you all the best. I think the advice given is good and if what you are saying is true then the change will need to come from your wife since you are already compromising so much of your life for your marriage/family. She needs to understand that you cannot continue like this forever and that it will ruin your family if she doesn't make some concessions for you.
Also, your daughters brain is amazing at this age, don't give up on her, she will absorb English like a sponge. And don't give up on your Portuguese either, it will be your greatest tool for cracking into the exclusive world between your wife and daughter.
Best wishes, really this sounds so hard and frustrating, you cant even go grab a beer and vent to friends since you are in a foreign environment, I really respect all that you are doing to be with your daughter.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sadly I think you're screwed too. She's the breadwinner, she's in her home country, she's got all the support and you? Well you've got nothing. She's lost all respect for you hence why she's gone to all this trouble to exclude you.

I'm not sure how you'd ever recover from this to be honest with you. I would be working hard to learn to speak that language assuming you're going to stay there that is.


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## NitroBiz (Jan 23, 2013)

I feel the need to vent. I had a nice long talk with her Wednesday night and looked her right in the eye and held her hand and said 'I love you' and 'I want to make this work, do you want to make this work?' with a few other things and she said 'yes'. Then I told her that beginning tonight I want you to speak only English to our daughter. She said she would and I thought this was a good starting point to getting our marriage back on track. Last night while having dinner she didn't speak English to our daughter and then again this morning as we were waking up. I blew up and lost it. I totally let her have it! She said 'I didn't speak English to her this morning because you weren't around' I freaking lost it! I told her if you want to make this work you need to speak English to her all the time, not just when I'm around our upstairs. I'm really starting to believe that she doesn't respect me and doesn't care and is just fooling herself by agreeing with me on some levels. I'm so freaking pissed and lost for words right now. I made the biggest mistake of my life coming down here to Brazil!


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## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

I wouldn't expect her to speak English %100 percent of the time with your daughter, that's her culture, identity, and background. She needs to meet you half way just as you are doing with her. 
Best of luck, sounds so frustrating.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NitroBiz said:


> I made the biggest mistake of my life coming down here to Brazil!


Yes you did now what are you going to DO about it?


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