# New member with marriage issues



## KatMiller (Aug 23, 2009)

I want to start by introducing myself. I have only been married a year, infact, my 1 year anniversary is coming up the 19th of next month. I have a 6 year old son, from a previous marriage, 4 dogs, a cat, and a sun conure. I'm a very busy person, and I prefer it that way. 

But I come to this forum, not as a blushing bride, but as a person who is completely unhappy with my marriage, and I want to try and fix it. 

So I will try to sum up everything. Like I said above, my hubby and I have only been married a year. When we were dating, and he was staying at my place from time to time, he was wonderful. Clean, helpful, smart about money, and so on. 

Right before we got married, he purchased a house for us to move into together. We moved in, and things started going down hill. First, he couldn't figure out how to throw his garbage away and he became a total slob. Then he started panicing every time a bill would come in the mail. The first month we recieved all our bills at once he about had a nervous break down. 

My hubby was home schooled by very religous parents that kept him extremely sheltered. He was 30 when he moved in with me, much to his parents protests. He had never paid his own bills, and is completely nieve of the real world. He's clingy, and can't be alone. 

When we go out to a bar or any place with large numbers of people, he keeps me at arms reach at all times, with a hand on me. He follows me around the house. From room to room to room, to the point I've tripped over him, and have shut the bathroom door in his face. When I've brought this to his attention and tried talking about it, he just gets mad and starts pouting. (he even sticks his bottom lip out and crosses his arms over his chest like a 2 year old)

I hate being touched. He's known this from the beginning, and I have ALOT of medical problems that make sex painful for me. So sex doesn't happen. (its been 9 months) He tries constantly, and he is always touching me. I have sat him down many times and talked to him about this and he will back off for a day and he's back at it the next. 

He has a spending habit like you wouldn't believe. I was a single mother for several years. My son and I lived on a very small budget, but I always had money left to put into a savings account and to do little special things here and there. Hubby thinks if there are still checks in the checkbook than we still have money. Our checking account is at -230 right now. The week before -680 and the week before that -300. I've never had a negative number in my checking account! 

I hid the checkbook from him and he went and got a new book out and started writing checks from that one. I, at one time, counted 5 checkbooks being used, plus his debit card. He's got many credit cards, and if a store offers him a store card he jumps at the chance to get it. Hes got 3 cards maxed out right now that he kept hidden from me untill recently. $13000 grand total between those 3 cards and he doesn't recall what he purchased with them!! So now I have all his credit card locked in my lock box that he can't get into, and I shredded several others. 

He also has a gun collection. He has about 30 shotguns and rifles, as well as many pistols. He claims they are a good investment, and if someone mentions that there is a gun for sale he runs and buys it. We don't have the money for this. Guns are expensive, not to mention dangerous with a small child running around. It took me almost a year to get him to get a gun safe, and he pitched a fit because he had to sell 2 guns to afford it. So to replace those 2, he purchased 6 in a weeks time. This after he told me we didn't have the money to pay a medical bill of $200, but he could buy over a $1000 worth of guns. 

I've already rattled on for wayyyyy to long. Basically, I'm at my wits end. I've gotten to the point I can't hardly stand the sight of him or to hear his voice. I've tried talking to him about things and he either gets mad and pouts, or he laughs. I'm about ready to leave him, what else can I try to fix things?


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

What is the question. Sounds like you are miserable and are no where near in love w/ your H. Get a divorce. I don't want to insult you but I don't see where the question is. If you are miserable and at your wits end divorce. It doesn't sound like you want to be married to this man, give him a chance to have a good marriage w/ someone else...and the same for you.

Now if you want to fix it and are in love (i just didn't hear it) then there is a lot you can do. But you honestly can't expect a 30 yr old man to go with no sex for the rest of his life. God he is probably scared you are doing it with someone else, maybe thats why he follows you.lol. I have seen women go through this and let me give you a little advice. If you do not fill your H's needs, some other woman will. It may not be today or tomorrow..but trust me it will happen. No doubt about it. One day some woman will come around who will do anything she can to fill his needs. And if you love your husband it is going to hurt like hell when that day comes. I have seen it happen a few times. I know a counselor that advises, fake it til you make it. Sounds like you don't want to do that. Not sure what to say, did he know about all of this prior to marriage? If so he must really love you. But if he knew this, I don't think he would be trying to get it from you constantly, it doesn't sound like something he made peace with.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It sounds like your husband need help growing up. That gun issue also scares me. Did you expect to change him once you married him?

Welcome to the site.


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## KatMiller (Aug 23, 2009)

I do love him. I don't want to hurt him and I know if I leave him he will be heartbroken. 

I didn't know he had such an obsession with the guns before we got married. He lived with his parents and they wouldn't let me go into his room because I was a hussy. (they told me this) He kept them in his room. So I didn't really know the extent of his collection untill the day he moved them in. Guns themselves don't bother me if you take care of them and are responsible with them. The fact he had so many of them and thought it was okay to just keep the spare bedroom door shut as a way to keep my son away from them is what really bothered me. They are all in a gun safe now. What gets to me now is the fact he blows so much money, that we don't have, on them. He messed up and sent me a text message the other day that was ment for someone else and it said "You will have to do the leg work for me. If Kat finds out I'm buying another gun she will kill me." 

Its almost like he's addicted to the guns or maybe its just to spending the money. Can you get addicted to guns or spending money?

He and I talked about my issue with being touched before we became serious. As for the sex, I have medical problems that make it very painful. He knew about it before we ever had sex or ever tried to have sex. And I really don't see why I should put myself in pain for him to experiance pleasure. That sounds very unfair to me. 

I guess I don't have any options but divorce. I don't want him messing around on me, but I want him happy. I can't do it so I suppose I should let him find someone else. I just don't want a 2nd failed marriage under my belt. I knew better, I shouldn't have even tried it again!


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Yes, he sounds immature...but you knew that. Obviously when you married him you knew this and accepted this because you married him. Thing is you can't meet someone's needs until you marry and then stop..that isn't fair. Everyone has needs and if they aren't being filled by a spouse they will be filled by someone else eventually. If you want to save the marriage you have to find out how you can meet his needs enthusiastically. If normal intercourse is painful, find another way...hands, mouth, etc. Also, figure out what needs of yours he is not meeting and talke with him about it. Your needs may be financial, domestic or just for companionship. You both sound a bit immature to me. Marriage is very serious and not just to be given up on and say "Oh, well should have known better". I would advise you not to give up but to do everything possible to make your marriage happy. Everyone has problems in the beginning them, you have identified them on both sides...now..try to fix them. 

Also, make sure you are spending enough alone time...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

It is very differnt going and staying at someone else's house than it is when the two of you have a house together. Most people are more courtious at someone else's house. When you are in your own place you are more comfortable. Meshing two different households is hard. Learning to co-habitate is sometimes really hard. Everyone has their own habits and quirks.

You married a man who'd lived at home until he was 30. He was probably used to mom doing it all for him. Now, unfortunately, it falls on your shoulders. You can't expact this to all change overnight. It takes time, and it sounds like he needs to learn how to handle money and be self sufficient.

Yes, there is such a thing as shopping addiction. From what I hear, people who have low self esteem suffer from it the most. Your brief description of him sounds like he has low self esteem.

Sit down with him and teach him about finances. People don't just know that, they have to learn it.

The "no sex" thing bothers me. You eluded to the fact that you had sex with him before you married him. Why the heck wouldn't he expect you to have sex with him after the marriage? You were willing to undergo the pain of it before you married him, but now that you got him, you won't anymore? Why did you have sex with him in the first place? I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm just trying to understand.

If you love him still, sit down with him at an opportune time and discuss this with him. Or get counseling. Married or not, he needs to learn how to live in the real world and take care of himself, financially and otherwise. 

Think about this though: he is now living in a house with a woman who takes care of the house, deals with the finances, and doesn't have sex with him. What role does that place you in?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

KatMiller said:


> My hubby was home schooled by very religous parents that kept him extremely sheltered. He was 30 when he moved in with me, much to his parents protests. He had never paid his own bills, and is completely nieve of the real world. He's clingy, and can't be alone.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## KatMiller (Aug 23, 2009)

I believe at 31 he's old enough to put his big boy undies on and stop being a pouty 2 year old. But thats just me, I've had a rough one until now and I'm not a very forgiving individual when it comes to point blank stupidity. I might be immature in my own ways, but I've been beaten up and treated like crud for to long to have to deal with this stuff anymore. He knew what he was getting when he got me. I'm damaged goods with battle scars he could only start to imagin. I never once hid these things from him. I've been open and honest about everything when it came to myself. What am I suppose to do about him pretending and not being truthfull about himself? I'm not a mind reader and FBI background checks don't give you much about a person's real personality. 

I knew he lived at home and had very religous parents. I knew they were very involved in his life but I didn't know they were "SO" involved. 

I actually love and respect a man who is close to his family and is very family focused. I think thats a good attribute. So that was something that I was attracted to originally. The freakish weird way they are didn't come out untill many months after we got married, when they all got comfortable with me. 

I'm very close to my mother and father. I ask for their advise and help all the time, but they know to let me have my space and to let me make my mistakes. His parents are right there in our face allllllll the time. 

For example, we tried to go away a couple weeks ago to our cabin up north, we got up there and his parents and siblings were sitting there waiting for us. They had invited themselves and didn't bother to even tell us they invited themselves. It was a complete suprise. We turned around and left. Drove 6 hours to just turn around and head back another 6 hours. 

He didn't start with the clingy crap until after we married. He went out and hung out with his buddies, hunted, fished, guy stuff with the guys. His buddies think I'm Satan himself for taking him away from them. I DON'T WANT HIM 24/7 THEY ARE WELCOME TO HIM A FEW HOURS A DAY!! He had hobies before me and he doesn't do any of them now. He actually gets upset and pouts if I tell him to go hang out with the guys. He's actually refused invitations to go on fully funded hunting trips so he could stay home and go garage saling with me. 

He had dreams and goals he used to tell me about, now his dreams and goals have changed and are pretty much identical to mine. He dreamed of being a hunting guide in Africa. He wanted to start his own business selling hunting/fishing gear and taking people on guided hunting trips. NOW his dream is to open his own kennel and dog training facility. He wants to get a dog into Westminster. He wants to open a pet novelty shop. If I don't tell him how to think, he can't do it. How do I get him to use his own brain again?

We work together, the same shift, same days, same hours. We wake up together, we go to bed together, we go to work together, etc etc etc. We get more than enough "together" time. Our days off I turn my phone off and take off someplace with my son for a day. I've told him numerous times I need a break and I need "me" time, but he doesn't get it and gets mad at me. 

I can talk to this man till I'm blue in the face, and tell him everything that is bugging me. He will be a normal person the remainder of that day, but the next day he's back to the same crap. I've suggested that we go to a marriage counsiler but he talked to his parents about it, and they told him he wasn't allowed, that we had to go talk to the preacher with them, and start going to church every sunday. So, needless to say, he wont go to counciling now. Its the preacher with his parents or nothing. I went to a shrink alone and she told me I had enviromental depression. Basically, I can take meds but they would only cover my feelings up, what I really need to do is change my enviroment. 

I'm the happiest person you'd ever want to meet when I'm at a dog show, or I'm out horseback riding with my aunt. When I get home and my house has been trashed again, and every cabnet in the kitchen is standing open, the garbage is over flowing, there's a pile of dirty clothes in the living room floor, and every couch cusion is off on the floor and the dogs are laying on them, I just want to walk back out the door and never come back. I get mad and I can't speak for fear I'd say something mean. I don't want to be mean to him and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but all I can think about is chucking all his belongings out the door and locking him out. 

I hate the idea of thinking that I'm not going to beable to fix this, I hate the thought of giving up, but I came home again tonight after cleaning all morning to a house that looked like it had been hit by a tornado. I hate coming home anymore. I can't seem to get him to understand that he's got to help me. I've got to much going on and I'm stressed. I try saying stuff and he pouts and stomps around, yells and screams at my dogs and son. 

He and I haven't really had a blow out fight yet and I can feel one coming. I'm about to loose my cool and start yelling. When I do this he's going to get a what-for and his head wont stop spinning till the middle of next week. But I'm afraid this will be the only way I'm going to get through to him, he just wont hear anything when its talked about civily.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

I don't mean anything negative by the next statement but...

You sound like a replacement mom for him.

Is that the kind of marriage you want?

And the no-sex, no touching thing is very worrisome. Even if you don't want to/can't have sex with him, not wanting to touch? 

He's going to turn into a "relative" you're living with at best, a roommate at worst. 

What kind of relationship do you want in a marriage... especially if you don't want to be touched? Something like a BFF? Someone who will talk with you and share and you sleep in the same bed but no romance? I'm asking these questions honestly. Get clear in your head what kind of relationship you want... what kind of marriage you want. You can create it even if it's non-traditional but better to know up front what you want rather than drifting into something.


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## KatMiller (Aug 23, 2009)

Thank you everyone. I think I've made up my mind. I'm not happy and I'm not going to be his mother. 

I'm going to get some professional help for my issues with being touched. As for the sex issue I will go back to the doctor again and see if there is anything else I can do to try to ease my pain. But as for my marriage, I don't forsee it going anywhere and he is a good person and deserves a wife who is willing to be his maid. I think I'm going to give him that chance. I think I'm not ment to be with someone right now. I have to many issues I need to fix if I'm ever going to try again. 

Thanks again
KAT


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

KatMiller said:


> Thank you everyone. I think I've made up my mind. I'm not happy and I'm not going to be his mother.
> 
> I'm going to get some professional help for my issues with being touched. As for the sex issue I will go back to the doctor again and see if there is anything else I can do to try to ease my pain. But as for my marriage, I don't forsee it going anywhere and he is a good person and deserves a wife who is willing to be his maid. I think I'm going to give him that chance. I think I'm not ment to be with someone right now. I have to many issues I need to fix if I'm ever going to try again.
> 
> ...


All good idea in my opinion. 

And while it might seems selfish, sex is a big part of a relationship. You need that physical and emotion connection with your SO. Plus you must realize you are also suffering by not having sex also. Just because it hurts doesn't meaning you don't desire it.

In any case I wish you well. Divorces are messy, just try and be civil even when he's not and it will make it a lot easier on yourself and your child.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Ingrid said:


> I don't mean anything negative by the next statement but...
> 
> You sound like a replacement mom for him.
> 
> .


:iagree:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He sounds like he needs a supported living arrangement from Developmental Disablity Services as he's blowing out of his current placement.

You need to figure out how to fix the kitty cat before getting into a relationship again. The quality of men who willing to hook up with you will tend to be on the low side until you can regain proper function.


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## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

Thats so funny Atholk. Actually I know how she feels and I think I have come to know the difference between a good parent/man relationship and a bad one. When I was very young I dated and lived with an Italian guy who was VERY close w/ his parents. Now I am Italian also, so I have a close family too...but this was ridiculous. When we moved into our home, he would wake up get dressed and leave to go have coffee w/ his mom...I would be so shocked at how far it could go sometimes. There were no boundaries at all. We broke up and I can tell you that now more than 12 years later, he is almost 35 and still living with his parents!! They do everything for him and he has absolutely no responsibilities. So thank God I got out of that. I guess now rereading your thread, this is what it reminded me of...especially the cabin part. What did you say to them anyway? Did you make it clear you wanted to be alone? I think that would be hard to do, here they are probably expecting you to be happy to see them, lol


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## KatMiller (Aug 23, 2009)

They knew we were going up there to try and work on us. Away from my son, parents, and the critters. Some much needed alone time. His parents thought they'd come up to help. 

I refused to speak to them. I wont talk to his parents unless I'm forced to, I can't stand them. His dad hates me and wont speak to me or even come over to our house when I'm home. His dad has been like this from the beginning. His mother hates me also but she tries to kill me with kindness. Actually its more like smoother me with kindness. Its a highpitched "sweety I love you" this and a highpitched "I'll pray for you to have a spectacular day" that. I honestly wish she'd act more like her husband.

Here is an example phone conversation she and I have had many times. 

ME: Hello
HER: Hi sweety, how are you today? Ummmm..... I'm wonderful. Ummm.... Sam purchased me another diamond bracelet today. Ummm.... You will never guess what Robbie did today. Ummmm..... He had 5 bowel movements! Isn't that great? Ummmmm....... Then guess what Sue did. Ummmm........ She got her period for the 2nd time this month. Ummmmm............ And she stubbed her toe. Ummm........... I hope your day is goin greatly. Ummm......... You'll never guess what happened at church today. Ummm........... Sweety your so sweet. Ummm........ I just love you so much. Ummmmm......... I'll pray for you. Ummmmm............ Goodbye! Ummmm...... Love you just so so Ummmm.......... so much sweety. Ummmm...... 
Click

I don't get a word in before she hangs up on me. Robbie is my hubby's 26 year old mentally handicapped brother who is the most normal out of the bunch and Sue is his 28 year old sister who has never worked a day in her life and is allergic to everthing under the sun. She actually told me once she's allergic to bras and she's allergic to tap water. His mother feels the need to call me once a day to tell me about Robbie's bowel movements for the day and Sue's new found allergies for that day. I wont answer the phone hardly ever. So I get that all on my voicemail. Its great................ (heavy sarcasm!) 

I think I married one of the most messed up human families in the world!!


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## shelleyv (Aug 13, 2009)

I'm sorry but I thought I had a weird family! OMG. This has really made me laugh - I mean, where in the world do these people come from? Lady, you need to little this little man go, let him be with his funny family (more like the Adams family) and be happy. You clearly are more stable minded and deserve better. Get out now babe, while you still young. And if I were you, try to get another job - you need to get away from him completely, would be bad to see him at work everyday. Good luck!


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