# Do couples ever reconcile after months apart?



## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

My wife and I have been separated for 4 months, been together 6 yrs, not even married 2. Have 3 children under 5.

4 months ago got the I love you but don't love you chat! I wish I had found TAM then as all the advice you guys give is great. But I did the opposite of the 180!
Pushed her away, looked weak, pathetic I suppose. 

4 months down the line I am still trying to fix our marriage, I have recognised my short falls in the relationship, which I did not see at the time, my wife now is blowing hot and cold. Sometimes says it's done 100% I could never love you again and others says she wants us to work but scared it will go back to square one.

I was just wondering if any of you guys have been on this roller coaster and got off and stayed with your wives/husbands?

I want my marriage to work so bad. I love my wife, and I know she loves me. But there have been outside influences getting in the way since day one.

Thanks guys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

You love her and you know she loves you then why don't you stay together.. I think you need to talk to her and be clear with her why you want from her, may be she is also waiting for that so just talk to her.. if you want healthy relationship and you want it long lasting so you have to ignores people's talk.. both of you have your own life and you have your small family so I think you should have to focus on that and think about the future of your children.. so talk to her and get back together again..


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Listen! she may be interested but doesn't have a whole lot to go on. You need to re-establish friendship, your own interests and delve a deeper into this...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

upsetDan said:


> But there have been outside influences getting in the way since day one.


Before anything can possibly work one of two things needs to happen.

A. The outside influences need to be ignored, well and truly

or

B. The outside influences need to disappear entirely

Even if either of these things happen, you'll always worry about her being "influenced" again.

A little tip: _Everyone_ who is influenced is influenced because they allow themselves to be. This is true without fail.

In my experience, people that allow external influences to affect their relationship, aren't really in it any more, or aren't comfortable enough in themselves to stand on their own two feet.

Whether that influence is another man hitting on her, or her friends telling her she can do better, or whatever, it's just not worth it mate, sorry.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Dan,

The answer to your question is yes.

If you find out she's been with someone else will that matter to you?

If she has been playing nice with you to make sure her situation is stable while you live in limbo, is that OK for you?

You mentioned the 180. My suggestion is to do it. Even if she decides to R, you may not want to and decide to move to your future w/o you WAW.

Good luck boss, FYI, my WAW changed her mind 14 months after she left (That was 8 months ago). Having done the 180, I am living my life w/o her, on my own terms.

Be strong, eyes open,
Stretch


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

thanks guys. parts of the 18-0 is difficult as we have 3 kids, BUT i am quite strong on what i can do. i went months of questioning, begging, pleading, but for a few wks i mention nothing and just be pleasant.

its been since then she has opened up more and come closer to me.

ultimately i want my wife back, i want my family back, but it has to be for the right reasons and with understandings both sides of how we move on a grow.

i love this site, you guys are great. read the whole of WWBs thread and so much was similar, also just read another thread which again he went on the full roller coaster but things have worked out with him and W.

i sometimes need a slap and reminded of how to behave and think. being alone alot is bad as i over think everything.

cheers guys


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I kicked my husband out when I found out he was cheating, then let him come back home 5 months later. That was almost 4 years ago and we're still together.


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I kicked my husband out when I found out he was cheating, then let him come back home 5 months later. That was almost 4 years ago and we're still together.


Can I ask.... Do you totally trust him now? or is there still a nagging that it may happen again? 
Thats an awkward question, but its a great ending if the trust is totally there


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To answer your first question: yes. Some couples reconcile after some months, some after years, some even after a break up/divorce.

With that said: both have to want it. If she is blowing hot and cold, I wouldn't cling to her like a vine if I were you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I can't say that I trust ANYone 100%. I think putting that much trust in someone is naive. If we had divorced, though, I think I would have been MORE worried about someone else cheating on me than I am about him doing it again. That's because he has become totally transparent and genuinely remorseful. He's done a lot of hard work to figure out why he did it and to take steps to make sure it never happens again, which is the whole reason we're together. With someone else, someone with whom I didn't have that history and that knowledge, I would be less trusting that they wouldn't cheat.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

In your situation, your wife isn't doing any of the things my husband did. So sure, you could get back together. But all you'd be doing is staying married, not reconciling. There's a HUGE difference.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

It's very very easy to get swept away in all the emotional highs of considering R. It happened to me not so long about, when STBXW started contacting me, started talking about R, and saying she'd made a mistake and that she'd changed. She nearly fooled me too.

If you're anything like me, you so desperately want to hold on to that hopelessly romantic thought that she just can't live without you really and this is just a test.

It's not mate, it is what it is. She can live without you, and you can live without her, too.

One thing I can guarantee you, is that whatever you decide will be equally as difficult as the other option, there's no easy route here.


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