# Hi...and could use some advice



## LostnSD (Nov 9, 2009)

New to the forum. I was looking for some marriage advice articles and stumbled across the site. 

Here's the background. I have been married for 17 years this past September. When we were first married...I did everything I could to ensure that my world revolved around my wife. Cooking, cleaning, making lunches, auto upkeep, you name it...I probably did it. There was never a day that went by without me letting her know how I felt about her. 

But over time I am feeling more and more used and unappreciated. It kinda came to head one evening when I was in a hurry to get my youngest daughter to her dance class and was running late. When my wife and my oldest daughter came home I told them I made a quick supper for my youngest and needed to go. Her reply to me was "well...what about us". Since then my feelings toward her have just slowly gone downward. I don't remember the last time we had sex...she just never seems interested. 

As odd as this sounds...I yearn simply for a touch...holding hands, a hug...just something. If you were to ask me if I still lover her...I dunno would be my honest answer. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring for a couple of weeks now. If she has noticed...she isn't saying anything. I have never cheated on my wife...but the temptation is getting stronger. I just want to be "wanted"...by somebody...anybody.

And to complicate matters...I am developing feelings toward somebody else. I know the feelings are unhealthy and I need to resolve the issues with my wife...but just not sure how. 

If there is anybody out there that has been in my shoes...how did you handle it?

Thanks
LostnSD


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

What ever the relationship is with the other woman, end it now. You will never be able to recover your relationship with your wife with another in the picture. Even as an option. As for your wife, do you feel she takes advantage of your work around the house or does she simply not put any value on it? Consider reading The Five Languages of Love. It appears the two of you may be missing each other's language.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I know where you have been.. I was everything in my relationship and my wife told me I treated her like the scum on the bottom of my shoe I couldn't get rid of. Yet facts are I was cause I felt like you. I yearned for love and couldn't get it. My wife became depressed and TOOK everything I had. What changed was her leaving me and thinking it was my fault. I worked on the little stuff I did wrong and then my wife finally saw the issues she had and realized how great they damaged the marriage.. All I can tell you is woek on treating her better and talk to her about what you want out of your marriage.


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## LostnSD (Nov 9, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> What ever the relationship is with the other woman, end it now. You will never be able to recover your relationship with your wife with another in the picture. Even as an option. As for your wife, do you feel she takes advantage of your work around the house or does she simply not put any value on it? Consider reading The Five Languages of Love. It appears the two of you may be missing each other's language.


I have no relationship with the other woman. She is unaware of my feelings and I am trying my damndest to make them go away. Little hard to ignore them since I have to work with her...but working on it. 

I feel like its just assumed that I am going to do the laundry, or make supper, or this or that. I feel like I am just taken for granted, that I have no value. Thats probably the main reason I haven't gone farther with those "feelings" is that if the woman I swore to love from her to eternity doesn't find me attractive or "want me"...HTH is another female going to be able. 



Loving Husband said:


> I know where you have been.. I was everything in my relationship and my wife told me I treated her like the scum on the bottom of my shoe I couldn't get rid of. Yet facts are I was cause I felt like you. I yearned for love and couldn't get it. My wife became depressed and TOOK everything I had. What changed was her leaving me and thinking it was my fault. I worked on the little stuff I did wrong and then my wife finally saw the issues she had and realized how great they damaged the marriage.. All I can tell you is woek on treating her better and talk to her about what you want out of your marriage.


I'm going to admit that I am a bit shocked by your last sentence. But...we don't know each other. I am not sure what I can do to treat her better. Another story...I used to love buying her flowers. It made me feel good to have them delivered to her work. Sometimes it was simply because she crossed my mind. All I got when she got home was "thanks". Talk about a kick in the gnads. 

I know that what I need to do is simply talk to her and let her know what I am feeling and working it out. Part of me is afraid that she won't care...and the other part is afraid to look her in the eyes and hurt her when I tell her what I am going through.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You should also tell her about the other woman so she gets an idea how serious the problem is.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Lost what I ment is your doing all the work but your upset cause your not getting anything in return. In reality your taking it out on her cause your mad as hell. I do not blame you. As I said I know where you are.. You are doing everything a man should and then some but if your not getting anything in return you end up resenting her and treating her like you can't stand her. You really need to sit down with her and explain your situation and where your coming from..


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## LostnSD (Nov 9, 2009)

I tried last night. She finally asked if something was wrong...so I told her. I told her that I needed a wife, a partner, a lover, and a best friend in this marriage, instead of a 3rd daughter at times. I told her about feeling taken for granted, not appreciated, used and about feeling completely alone in this marriage. I told her about the ache and hurt that I have inside. 

All I got in return was an "I'm sorry". I didn't know what to expect as her reply...but that wasn't it. 

Just kinda numb right now...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

You are being taken for granted and unappreciated. All those things that you do all the time are now just expected, a "given". Unfair as it is, it happens. I'd talk to her about it first. Then, I'd quit doing all of it for a while. The song "You don't know what you got, till it's gone" can be really true. 

As for the other woman. If you persue it, you are dooming your marriage. Don't make that big a mistake for a little attention.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Stop doing all the extras. Continue to be friendly and kind. But stop working so hard, stop with the flowers, the dinners etc. And when she asks you what is wrong - just say "I don't feel loved." And then say as little as possible until she starts making more effort. 

Right now she just sees you as half roommate and half cook/housekeeper. Only one way to change that - stop acting like it. 





LostnSD said:


> I tried last night. She finally asked if something was wrong...so I told her. I told her that I needed a wife, a partner, a lover, and a best friend in this marriage, instead of a 3rd daughter at times. I told her about feeling taken for granted, not appreciated, used and about feeling completely alone in this marriage. I told her about the ache and hurt that I have inside.
> 
> All I got in return was an "I'm sorry". I didn't know what to expect as her reply...but that wasn't it.
> 
> Just kinda numb right now...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

You need to start treating yourself the way you want your wife to treat you. Obviously she's taking you for granted. I would suggest spending more time with your friends, doing hobbies you enjoy, buying new clothes, go to the gym, and just making yourself happy. 

Shift your attention from her to yourself. She will take notice and feel left out and she will want to figure out a way to be more a part of your life.


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## LostnSD (Nov 9, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Stop doing all the extras. Continue to be friendly and kind. But stop working so hard, stop with the flowers, the dinners etc. And when she asks you what is wrong - just say "I don't feel loved." And then say as little as possible until she starts making more effort.
> 
> Right now she just sees you as half roommate and half cook/housekeeper. Only one way to change that - stop acting like it.


I stopped with the flowers awhile ago. As for the dinners...if I don't, then my daughters end up eating frozen pizzas for supper or grilled cheese sandwiches. 

I really do appreciate all the advice given...I really do. I also wish it was as easy as "just stop doing it". Its odd...but in this marriage I am the talker, the feeler, the hugger, the one who tucks in at night and makes sure that family is taken care of first. Sometimes I wish I were the type of guy that had the attitude that if the wife were leaving me alone...my life is just that much better.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Your daughter won't die if she eats grilled cheese or pizza for a while. What's the worst that can happen?

You are going to have to stop giving so much because you are being taken for granted. You can't make your wife appreciate you, so in order to lessen your resentment you need to stop doing so much.


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## LostnSD (Nov 9, 2009)

themrs said:


> Your daughter won't die if she eats grilled cheese or pizza for a while. What's the worst that can happen?
> 
> You are going to have to stop giving so much because you are being taken for granted. You can't make your wife appreciate you, so in order to lessen your resentment you need to stop doing so much.


No...they won't. I think they like that better than the roasts/chops that I make at times. 

But...as for the later piece of advice...I keep hearing in the back of my head "two wrongs don't make a right"


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## rateyes (Nov 11, 2009)

just one day when the kids are gone, tell her to sit down, sit next to her and start spilling your heart, and im sure you will know what to do based on her responses.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It took my wife MANY years to see what she is doing. As of right now my wife is just noticing the error of her ways. The same errors your wife is doing. It takes a LONG time.. All I can say is do the best you can for your family as your D is important to be taken care of. Just keep showing your wife the areas where you step up and where she doesn't. It took a lot of text/talks for my wife to "wake" up as I call it. My wife was my 3rd child also. I'm still in the phase of explaining what I want and looking for.. Funny thing for my wife anytime I would in the past try to talk to her I would get one of 2 things from her. She would either blame me for why she does that or she would get angry with me for saying it. Now everytime I say things like that she is starting to take personal responsibility..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is great you take care of the kids - I am saying start doing more things just by yourself - go to the gym - out with friends. It is not WRONG to focus less on someone who is treating you poorly. 

You seem fearful that if you stop doing all this stuff you might have conflict with your wife. 

Guess what - NOTHING will change until you are willing to have conflict because she likes things the way they are now.




LostnSD said:


> I stopped with the flowers awhile ago. As for the dinners...if I don't, then my daughters end up eating frozen pizzas for supper or grilled cheese sandwiches.
> 
> I really do appreciate all the advice given...I really do. I also wish it was as easy as "just stop doing it". Its odd...but in this marriage I am the talker, the feeler, the hugger, the one who tucks in at night and makes sure that family is taken care of first. Sometimes I wish I were the type of guy that had the attitude that if the wife were leaving me alone...my life is just that much better.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

LostnSD said:


> No...they won't. I think they like that better than the roasts/chops that I make at times.
> 
> But...as for the later piece of advice...I keep hearing in the back of my head "two wrongs don't make a right"


Why do you feel it's "wrong" to stop giving and start receiving? Receiving isn't wrong and right now you can't receive because you give too much and this is causing you to feel taken for granted. Stop giving so much and at the very least you will not feel as taken for granted. Don't be a martyr.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'd like to suggest that you have created this problem by not communicating how you feel to her earlier. To me it sounds like you've let this resentment build up over many years, and so when you finally do express your sadness/anger/hurt, and your wife doesn't respond in the way you want, it's a massive let down. The problem is that she, until now, hasn't really clued in to you being unhappy, it's new information for her. (Not excusing her, just reality.) 

So, the other posters are all giving good advice - stop doing so much, continue to communicate how you feel, start spending more effort on getting your own life. It feels to me like you've let yourself get some enmeshed in this relationship that there isn't any LostnSD anymore.


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## LostnSD (Nov 9, 2009)

Seeking...you are correct that I am partly to blame for this. I know I should have told her many years ago when this started to build...but I just swallowed it down and continued trudging on...hoping that things would change. 

I have tried numerous times to get her to go out with her friends, go shopping for an evening for some "her" time...but she thinks we have to be attached at the hips. When she wants to go shopping, I "have" to go along (her words) to help her make decisions, pick stuff out, etc. Likewise...when I am finally able get to to play golf with some friends, head to the gym...or even out to my garage to tinker and have some "me" time, she either calls or comes out biotching or complaining about something that the daughters have done. Like I can do anything about it on the golf course. Ugh..

And perhaps I am just using this forum as a venting place...someplace to find somebody who has/is going through what I am. If so...I do thank all of you for allowing me to do that. It has helped just a bit getting my feelings out there. We had part of the talk we needed a few nights ago...but it feels like nothing has changed. She tells me she loves me on the phone and at bedtime...but her words are a bit empty to me. I want to tell her the same back...but can't right now. And like I said earlier...haven't had my ring on for a couple of weeks now.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

One thing you could do is ask her to read The 5 Love Languages. If she actually reads it, it will give her insight into your style of feeling love (you'll need to read it too).

Another idea is go out to do stuff for yourself, like golf, but turn off your cell phone. Just don't let her disturb you.

The point isn't to distance yourself, but rather have some of your own time.


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