# Not Sure What to Think...



## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for three and a half years now and aside from the emotional roller coasters our sex life has been...well...up and down too. 

I don't want to make him look bad or anything but I really don't know who else to talk to about this. In our first year of marriage, we were very...uh...exploring with our bedroom stuff. But one morning I woke up to him kneeling over me, ejaculating on my face. I was not happy. I felt really dirty afterward and he didn't seem to understand why. Another time he would be way too pushy with BJ's and insisted on them when I expressed I didn't want to. He basically pinned me down and made me do it. I know that sounds awful, but I didn't really fight back or struggle, I was just really grumpy afterward. 

After awhile though I noticed that I really didn't want him touching me anymore. I hated it actually. After trying to talk with him about it, he just didn't understand why it wasn't ok. It took several conversations and a threat of separation for him to understand my boundaries in the bedroom and actually apologize for what he did. 

I still don't think he thinks he was wrong and even after the talks and stuff I just don't like him going after me all that much. We do have sex, (1-3x a week) but he would do it twice everyday if he could!! The breast groping and butt grabbing when we are just trying to watch a show or something, really gets on my nerves and totally turns me off. It's like he can't just cuddle. When I told him to back off he asked if he should just go look at porn and stormed out. He also likes to try different things in different places and puts a lot of pressure on me to want too as well and I am just not comfortable and then he gets angry and shuns me for a bit.

I really don't know what's right or wrong, just how I feel. Am I a prude or is he a little out of control? He is the first sexual partner I have been with and it wasn't talked about really in my family so I really don't know.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It doesn't seem he has been sensitive enough to understand your needs and boundaries. =/

But has he made attempts to improve either then just going "Ok, this and that she doesn't like"?


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

He has backed off. But once in a while there is still a lot of pressure in the most random places. But then other times he won't initiate at all and then when I do he just smiles. I mean I guess he likes me being in control...wow I really hope this isn't too much info.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Actually it's too little info lol

I think he just has to learn a bit about some 'buttons to press' to speak, what gets you in the mood, etc etc.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Thanks for you help.  

I don't want to say too much and get embarrassed. Lol What kind of information will be more helpful?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ummm...waking up to him ejaculating on her face? forcing you to give him a blow job!!!!....WTF!!. You may not know what to expect because u are new to this sex thing, but let me fill u in sister, you were ASSAULTED. You dont want to have sex with him because he uses force, intimidation, and abuse with you. This is NOT normal or healthy behavior. Trust your own insticts. It doesnt feel right because its not right the way he is treating you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> ummm...waking up to him ejaculating on her face?


I wasn't going to mention it but I lost myself laughing when I read that lol :rofl: Sorry... can't help it >.<!

@Confused Love

Perhaps it's time to try and have a talk about this, express yourself and how you feel and see if he will meet you halfway and try to improve his 'game'.

I'm assuming he is doing guesswork at the moment - but I don't know, hence more info might be useful in regards to how and/or whether he's improving or not.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Is he into a lot of porn? The reason why I am asking this is because you mentioned experimenting in the bedroom alot in the beginning, and maybe now he still tries to continue to experiment, even without you on-board. This whole facial/bukkake thing, then these "rape scenarios" and is that sex in semi-public places?

Did you tell him that the reason you feel this way is because what he did was/is NOT something you agreed on prior to it happening? That this was completely NOT expected by you, hence shocking to you?


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

*JaneSmith:* LOL - When you put it that way it is quite funny. I appreciate the warning though. I will take it into consideration.

*Random:* Well I don't wake up to come on my face anymore so that's a plus.  He is kinder in the bedroom, still not really savvy on what works for me yet. 

I guess my main problem is the constant want to touch. The pressure. We will sit and watch a movie and it will be awesome and cuddly and there is the hand grabbing at my breast and I hate it. It happens all the time. The background I thought maybe had something to do with it...and I wanted to know if I was crazy for thinking it was wrong. I tell him to stop and he gets way upset. And there is also the pressuring in random places...like house sitting at a friends and wanting to do it on their couch. I find it uncomfortable and weird and he thinks I am a massive prude and gets a chip on his shoulder. Is that helpful?


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Is he into a lot of porn? The reason why I am asking this is because you mentioned experimenting in the bedroom alot in the beginning, and maybe now he still tries to continue to experiment, even without you on-board. This whole facial/bukkake thing, then these "rape scenarios" and is that sex in semi-public places?
> 
> Did you tell him that the reason you feel this way is because what he did was/is NOT something you agreed on prior to it happening? That this was completely NOT expected by you, hence shocking to you?


Yes. He does have porn problems, has for a long time. He has stopped, as far as I know. He likes to watch it together once in a while. I have to tell him no more and he gets disappointed.

Yes we did talk about that. But he kept trying to say it was just fun and so he couldn't understand why I didn't want to continue.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm assuming you don't feel respected when he does that yes? Try and open up a talk about it, tell him what turns you on / what turns you off etc - buttons/switches so to speak, especially boundaries.

Reminds me of a comedy where the lady of the couple said (in reference to her breasts) "These are mine!" And the guy goes "But I use them more then you!" lol

Ne ways I don't think the problem is the constant want to touch I think he just needs to learn how to respect your boundaries (and learn how to actually get you in the mood) - which you have to talk to him about it. Or at least give him some hints.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

You see, first thing I found about sex that is important is being very direct and clear about it. I am willing to do *this* (something specific), I do not agree to do *that* (something specific). I am not coy or shy about it.

I think he still watches porn and he sees new things there that excite him and he wants to reenact them with you WITHOUT asking your opinion prior to it (totally wrong on his part).

You have to tell him that if he wants to do something new with you, he has to talk to you about it FIRST. And whatever you say, STICKS.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, and if he does not understand what you mean by "boundaries" - ask him whether he would like a strap-on up his ass... just saying lol


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

LOL - Thank you guys, the suggestions were helpful...especially the strap on comment. I do need to work on being less shy and more forth coming about what I do and not want to do and that being the last straw, pouting or not.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Confused Love

First, you need to talk to him how you feel and also let him tell you how he feels. The attitude needs to be such where both understand that you are trying to find balance....that is, meet your needs half a way ....a comprise....I am saying this because I understand him and all his sexual power towards you as I am the same....and my wife is ever less open than you but by being loving, patients, and making a lot of mistakes and learning from them, my relationship today has improved so much - still working everyday at it - so first communication, second, try to understand your man sexuality because you should not take it personal...most of the time the feelings he gets from thinking about sex are so powerful that I am pretty sure he must masturbate several times a week....i did before i was able to have my wife wanted to have sex with me everyday...and even when she is with her period, she'll give me a hand job in her second day and bj and her third day before the forth day when we usually go back to having sex.....so what I am saying is that probably your man loves you very much but he is dealing with a bunch of emotions that are difficult for him to get rid off unless he gets to ejaculate....anyhow, you need to set bounderies about where you feel confortable with him grabbing you your breasts, but please understand that when he does is because he desires you with so much passion that he can't get his hands off you.....he has issues to deal with, but everything he does around sex is because the way God made him and you should not try to change him but rather work with him and embrace his sexuality and try to understand how it can make you both happy in the long term - you have no idea but most people arriving in therapy and complaining about lack of sex are woman) so keep working at it, but understand that he needs access to your body without rejection or your marriage is doom to fail.....we can deal with so much rejection until we just get tire of it....that's why prostitution is the oldest profession....a lot of woman here disagree with my views but I am also tired of those suggesting that men who have a high sex drive are sociopaths or something like that...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

a high sex drive doesnt make him a sociopath. But watching your wife sleeping and thinking its a good idea to ejaculate on her face without her knowledge, cooperation or consent indicates a pathalogical disrequard for her basic human dignity.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

janesmith said:


> a high sex drive doesnt make him a sociopath. But watching your wife sleeping and thinking its a good idea to ejaculate on her face without her knowledge, cooperation or consent indicates a pathalogical disrequard for her basic human dignity.


Since we don't actually know their relationship deep enough or his part of the story, I wouldn't call him like that...they must have the kind of trust to do some stuffs...or he just become arouse by the thought of ejaculating on her face, but because she does not allow it, he decided that by just doing it, may be she would be willing to accept it when awake after realizing that it was not a big deal....what I am saying how many times I heard the advise of people saying if you want to have anal sex, you have to prepare your wife...first touch that *******, then put a finger in there, and slow and after a few weeks, then one day, when she is super aroused, go for it with only the tip and let her move towards you...etc....so why ejaculating on her face is any different....i mean, who cares what happen in doors.....what you need to do i talk to him and let him know how you feel...but also let him tell you how he feels....I am pretty sure that his sexual needs are not being met, as well as your emotional needs either...by the way, for men sexual needs are pretty much emotional needs...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

the issue is consent not the act. if you like ejaculate on your face thats your business. We are all making judgments based on the information we have. Your judgment sounds like he was a bit misguided. She didnt mention she had allowed this behavior before or this is somthing they had explored. She said she woke up to him wacking off and cumming on her face and it upset her immensely. He also takes liberties with her person she does not consent to or like.

When you are sleeping, what if your wife after having watched a dominatrix put on a strap on and [email protected] some dude in the ass got into her head YOU would really like that although it was NEVER discussed. You just wake up to butt cheeks filled with lubricant, your wife straddling your back, in an attempt to breach your rose bud?

Just wondering how you would take that


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

janesmith said:


> the issue is consent not the act. if you like ejaculate on your face thats your business. We are all making judgments based on the information we have. Your judgment sounds like he was a bit misguided. She didnt mention she had allowed this behavior before or this is somthing they had explored. She said she woke up to him wacking off and cumming on her face and it upset her immensely. He also takes liberties with her person she does not consent to or like.
> 
> When you are sleeping, what if your wife after having watched a dominatrix put on a strap on and [email protected] some dude in the ass got into her head YOU would really like that although it was NEVER discussed. You just wake up to butt cheeks filled with lubricant, your wife straddling your back, in an attempt to breach your rose bud?
> 
> Just wondering how you would take that


Probably, I would be fine with it as I do like anal stimulation if done properly....what I am saying is very simple...don't think the guy is all that bad because he is trying to satisfies his fantasies with someone he thinks, he trusts enough and vice versa....he made a mistake...but what about the issue of lack of communication in the marriage?....I mean how things can get to this situation?...then to me the marriage is suffering a lot since for once, he knew she was going to wake up...I mean how many people can get a splash of something like semen on their face and don't wake up?....so he knew she was going to wake up...may be the thought that she was going to find it exciting....I am only saying don't rush into judging him so quickly....he is dealing with a very frustrating situation (i know of) that is wanting to have sex your your wife and wanting to feel that you can actually have access to your wife sexual power in a way where all your fantasies may some how be met.....i also believe that they both need to talk and realize that they have a problem - very common among couples - that they need to work on and hopefully with love, patients, and understanding find a way to be happy..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marcopoly69 said:


> so first communication, second, try to understand your man sexuality because you should not take it personal...most of the time the feelings he gets from thinking about sex are so powerful that I am pretty sure he must masturbate several times a week.....so what I am saying is that probably your man loves you very much but he is dealing with a bunch of emotions that are difficult for him to get rid off unless he gets to ejaculate....anyhow, you need to set bounderies about where you feel confortable with him grabbing you your breasts, but please understand that when he does is because he desires you with so much passion that he can't get his hands off you.....he has issues to deal with, but everything he does around sex is because the way God made him and you should not try to change him but rather work with him and embrace his sexuality and try to understand how it can make you both happy in the long term ......... but understand that he needs access to your body without rejection or your marriage is doom to fail.....we can deal with so much rejection until we just get tire of it....


 I agree totally with all that Marcopoly just said above. 

What you are dealing with is a agressive raging testosterone driven male/husband. Your sex drives are not matching, he wants it twice a day and what he is getting is 1-3 times a week. Make no mistake, he is still hungry & Frustrated. You can not understand why he can't " just cuddle" because sexually you are NOT feeling it -like he is. That is like dangling a carrot infront of a hungry rabbit. 

Even as a woman, I can understand him cause I now have a drive like that (but didn't years ago)-OH what a change !! I can honestly admit If my husband just wanted to "cuddle with me" & nothing else on some of those nights where I was feeling really frisky, I would be infuriated !! Please just try to understand him 1st. It is all about HIS HORMONES influencing his actions. 

Yes, he will need to get a handle on them if you are not in the mood and willing. He will likely continue to induge in porn as this is his outlet. To deny him this, well, likely it will not work, but that is just my opionion. 

BUt surely if you communicate, he can come to respect what you want & need from the relationship to get YOU in the mood so you both can have what you want. Starts with communication. 

Is he listening? 

Not sure what to say about what you woke up to!! (I hope someday you can look back & laugh). I hope he has apologized-seeing how you felt. That seems really over the top! Many Higher Testosterone males have THAT particular fantasy, I do not understand it either, but even a thread was done on this topic, cumming on women's faces, what they get out of it. If you look far back enough (about 2 months ago approx) in this section, you might find it. But he should have gotten your permission! Geeeze.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow, thank you very much for your insights. I totally see what you are saying about appreciating his sexuality. Maybe I do need to relax a bit and I will have more open communication about what I need so that it's fun for me too. This has helped me a lot. Thanks again to all of you!


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not sure what to say about what you woke up to!! (I hope someday you can look back & laugh). I hope he has apologized-seeing how you felt. That seems really over the top! Many Higher Testosterone males have THAT particular fantasy, I do not understand it either, but even a thread was done on this topic, cumming on women's faces, what they get out of it. If you look far back enough (about 2 months ago approx) in this section, you might find it. But he should have gotten your permission! Geeeze.


Really?! I had no idea that was a common fantasy. I will try and look for that thread.Yes, he did apologize and I probably will look back and laugh one day. I think my discomfort comes a lot from the fact that when my mom had to explain oral sex to me when I was younger she said it was gross and only bad people do it. I have since learned that is totally false and quite enjoyable. 

I sound like a naive little high school girl...eh... ok, scratch that, a naive young person. A lot of people seem to know what's up in high school...wow I should really just stop. LOL


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Confused Love said:


> Really?! I had no idea that was a common fantasy. I will try and look for that thread.Yes, he did apologize and I probably will look back and laugh one day. I think my discomfort comes a lot from the fact that when my mom had to explain oral sex to me when I was younger she said it was gross and only bad people do it. I have since learned that is totally false and quite enjoyable.
> 
> I sound like a naive little high school girl...eh... ok, scratch that, a naive young person. A lot of people seem to know what's up in high school...wow I should really just stop. LOL


Here it is http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/18723-i-am-addicted-facials.html

You know what, I LOVE your attitute and I wish I had one like yours at your age, this will only help you in life & marraige! Take it for me, a Middle aged woman who didnt start enjoying BJ's till I was 42 because of some of the pathetic messages I received in my youth. All hog wash. Unfortunate that your own Mother never expericend the heights & joys of her own Sexuality, the oceans of pleasure it brings to marraige & our souls. 

Best thing that has ever happened to me. And Yes, you WILL look back and laugh !!! :rofl:


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Aww, thank you, that's very sweet! And thanks for the link I am checking it out now. I really just wanted to know the best thing for me and hubby. I wasn't trying to make him a bad guy. I am totally willing for new viewpoints. This is one case where I am glad I didn't listen to my mom and tried things out for myself. It does make me a little sad for my mom.


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