# Can't stand the touch anymore



## jk1223 (11 mo ago)

Hello all,

I am very hesitant to post but I think I think I need some perspective. I have been married for almost twenty years, together or almost 25, two teenage children and a generally happy home. The last couple of years have been a bit of a roller coaster. We have had some financial difficulties, a lot of if was my fault and I own that. I am not always the most effective communicator and have a tendency to just "take care of things". I am the primary earner. There was a long time I treated my husband more like a third child than a partner. For his part, he was all for it. He was the baby of the family and used to that kind of treatment. Add to that he has a somewhat addictive personality. He has never been one to drink heavily or do drugs or even gamble, but he does tend to "get hooked" on things. What partly led to the initial financial difficulties was his wanting to continually add to an existing business or start a new one. He would never take no for an answer so I tried to make it happen. It caused a lot of stress and resentment and we have since tried to work through all of that and the codependent situation that set it off. We are still dealing with some of the aftermath but overall are improving in the finance area. 

I say he has an addictive personality because once we curbed the spending, he became obsessed with sex. He has a workmate who is and my husband is very much a follower. They often work alone so it is easy for them to talk about it. Over a couple months, every conversation he had with me became about it, especially when he was travelling for work. Every statement was somehow brought around to it. He started asking for pictures and video chats, things we had not done and that I was not entirely comfortable with but did anyway since he was on the road a lot. He watched porn all the time. I thought we had a good sex life and did not see any deficits. He never voiced any either until the day he suggested we open our marriage. I was devastated. I am by no means a prude but that is one part of our marriage I held as sacred and I thought he did too. I had turned down advances before and fairly recently. Naive or not, I do not think he was having an affair. He really is not a secretive person by nature; that's more me. He really did not see it as cheating as long as we told each other about it. In his words, "it's just sex". The difference in values and devaluation of the sanctity of our marriage shattered me. I did end up having an affair with a very good friend at this time, which my husband knows some about. My husband slept with another woman and told me about it. I felt nothing. What he does not know nor would he understand, is the depth that that relationship entailed. We broke it off and in doing that I almost lost my best friend. He has since met a nice woman and they married fairly quickly. It took a long time for my friend and I to be friends again, but we are. It goes against all the play books but we manage. We all get together with other friends a couple times a month. 

The started almost two years ago. Almost a year ago, I lost my father and we moved my mother to an apartment on our property. I never thought my father would die first and my mother is exceedingly needy (always has been, nothing new) to the point of faking illnesses for attention. My husband was great in the immediate aftermath and about mother being here (I am the one who actually does not want her here). However, ultimately, my husband cannot be emotional support for me. I am an exceedingly private person and don't like to show any weakness. In the times, I have to him, it has either been told to someone else or later used against me somehow. It's almost like he can sense when I am weak or having a hard day and that's when he chooses to come at me with something he knows will upset me or don't feel like talking about. I started seeing a counselor after the affair and have owned my part in all of it. He pays it lip service but I do not think he truly believes he did or does anything wrong. He is not abusive and he works hard for us and I am by no means perfect. I can be difficult to love. I do believe he loves me the best way he knows how and wants to be the person I need him to be but he just does not have the emotional maturity to do it He is incapable and unwilling to examine his own behavior. When I call him on something, I can see the words "I don't do that" forming on his lip before I even finish the sentence. It is so frustrating because I know he wants to be what I need and I know he won't be. I have to stop myself from using him as a sounding board or showing any vulnerability because I just cannot stand the thought of being disappointed again. As much as I know he loves me and truly believes he does, I sometimes wonder if I'm another addiction.

I think the emotional gap has been there a while but in the process of building a life and having kids and running a business, I just didn't see it. Over time, my affair friend became that emotional support and while we are still friends, we cannot talk and text like we used to because we want his marriage and (maybe) mine to have a chance. I want to respect the union. I know there are probably some grief issues, maybe even depression. I know for a fact there is anger about the death and resentment toward my husband for being part of the reason I no longer have the emotional support I need. His actions helped take it away and he's not enough to replace it. I know full well I was having an emotional affair long before I was having a physical one. Now it is spilling over into our sex life. I have no desire toward him at all, even when things are going well. I pretend and I go along. I cannot orgasm. I hate the way he kisses me and touches me. I just pray for it to be over quickly. I have had to put a moratorium on him watching porn (again) because it would take forever and I just could not take that. I know he still watches it some. I used to love sex now I have to fight back tears and nausea. I just go along to get along. Trying to explain some things to him gets nowhere. He cannot fathom it. I don't want to crush him. He does a lot of good. I am at the point where I try to look at the positives and be thankful for what he can do for me instead of what he cannot, but I am struggling. From the outside, I have everything a woman should want, but somedays I am beyond miserable. I guess I'm lost.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jk1223 said:


> *I have everything a woman should want*, but somedays I am beyond miserable. *I guess I'm lost.*


What are you wanting advice about, what questions do you have? What do you think you need to not be miserable?

You resent your husband on many levels and he repulses you, so staying married to him can't do anything except make you more miserable. Are finances what keep you "stuck"? The only thing worse than being broke financially is being broke financially and miserable with the person you are 'married' to.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Once he suggested an open marriage things obviously changed for you and that's very understandable. I would never see my husband the same if he did that. It seemed to all downhill after that and may never recover.


----------



## jk1223 (11 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> What are you wanting advice about, what questions do you have?


You know, I honestly don't know. It's a fantastic question. I even thought it as I was typing. Maybe just to vent. Maybe to see if anyone has or does feel the same. I just don't know. Sometimes I am happy. I make enough to support my children and myself comfortably so it's not financial anymore. I'm not even afraid of being alone. There are days I want that more than almost anything (from a husband and my mother standpoint, I would always want my children with me). I cuss every time I see his name on phone. I live for when he's on the road.

I almost divorced him after the affair. Not to go be with the other man but because of what all that did to me. The thought of doing that now just exhausts me. I think I feel an odd sort of pity toward him too because he wants so much to he what I need but I know he doesn't have the depth to be it. I know he would never understand why I was doing it. I think maybe I hold back because maybe some of these feelings are grief talking and I'm directing it at him? I'm pretty angry internally right now and I don't want him to be a casualty of it, if that makes sense. I guess if I did divorce him, I would want it to be for the right reasons but other factors are making it hard for me to tell the difference. Mostly, I'm struggling with basically being alone intellectually and emotionally and still being married. I don't know how to overcome that. Fact is, I probably can't.


----------



## FactsAndLogic (11 mo ago)

Your husband sounds like he may have ADHD. Based on what you described he gets hyper focused on things (but also shifts that focus around) and doesn’t have high emotional intelligence which is also common. Try googling ADHD Marriages or ADHD and sex to see if it resonates. If so, he won’t change and be what you need or want, like you and he already seem to acknowledge.

it sounds like you are frustrated because you do love him and really wanted him to be what you need, but the sequence of events that occurred just left a bitter taste in your mouth that will never be undone. So I guess you stay with him for familiarity, or you make a change and hope for eventual happiness elsewhere.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you hate having sex with someone — really hate it — then it’s time to review your options.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Actions have consequences. He took a major gamble telling you he wanted an open marriage. He is the one who changed things, and the only thing you can control is what you do about it. It kind of sounds like you want someone to tell you it’s ok to leave. That’s a decision only you can make; only you know what you’re willing to accept. Sometimes things are too broken to fix, and you can’t unring a bell.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jk1223 said:


> two teenage children and a *generally happy home.*





jk1223 said:


> I cuss every time I see his name on phone. I live for when he's on the road.


Do you think your teenagers know the dynamics between their parents? Are they aware of the affairs? Are you staying “for the children”?

Wouldnt you he happier divorced? I cant imagine living with as much hate as you have for your husband. It isn't healthy for you. A lot of people conclude that and take action. If you stay married, how will you feel 5 years from now?


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Personally I think you both need to grow up. You are not good to eachother, you have expectations of him changing, yet you know he can't. You both cheated on eachother and you both caused financial problems. I think one of you needs to be an adult and end this travesty of a marriage.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Personally I think you both need to grow up. You are not good to eachother, you have expectations of him changing, yet you know he can't. You both cheated on eachother and you both caused financial problems. I think one of you needs to be an adult and end this travesty of a marriage.


Yea, I got a vibe of buyers remorse here as well. I don’t have much compassion because of my own similarities so staying out of it.


----------



## boonez40 (Jun 11, 2021)

I think you are both ****ed up in the head and you need joint counseling. 
He is into more than you know and you are playing stupid. 


Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)




----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry sister- I’m not sure I can offer much advice. I’ve been debating with others about the dangers of porn use by men and yours seems like a textbook example: hubby gets into porn, hubby starts to believe the lie that sex is just a meaningless release (I.e. without consequences/emotions), hubby tries to convince wife of this lie… marriage falls apart. I suspect you’d tolerate his other faults better if he hadn’t devalued your marriage like that. Too bad. You sound like an impressive lady with many gifts…Sadly though, _no one _can keep a spouse from running off the rails.

I also believe there is real power to the “sanctity of marriage” you mentioned… once that’s lost there’s probably not much us mere mortals can do to restore it… only God can sanctify. It couldn’t hurt to beg for His help though!


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The bad thing is you don't feel like sharing all your thoughts and feelings with your husband anymore because it makes you vulnerable and he may use it against you. So I'm not sure if going to marriage counseling would be productive or not, but since you are left without someone to really listen and support you, I think maybe individual counseling might benefit you and at least give you that outlet. Maybe getting it all off your chest and being able to express any anger or sadness or whatever in a non-judgmental forum would help ease you back toward normalcy. 

I'm not sure your husband has the maturity or dip to understand how you reached this place where you are repulsed by his touch. I mean it's a hard pill to swallow for any man under any circumstances. But I can see how you got there and he needs to understand this was a consequence. So maybe you do individual counseling and make sure you yourself understand what is going on with you and then pull him in on it or feel stronger and no more how to approach all this with him or make a decision whether to stay in it together.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Individual counseling is a really good idea. It would help to work all this out on your own first.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Wow, that was a very long post vilifying your husband as the cause for your affair. Yes, your husband has some serious problems but you make yourself out to be blameless. You sound like so many WWs who must make their husband out to be a villain so they can justify their betrayal. 

You say that your husband has hooked up with women. Funny how that has not impacted how he treats you , the family, or your mother. You on the other hand not only gave another man your body but also your heart which seems to have turned you into a very difficult person to live with. Your negative outlook along with your blame shifting just flies of the page.

Since you despise your husband and father of your kids so much and even blame him for not being able to be with your soulmate, then you should just divorce him. I’m sure your teen kids will understand and agree that you should’ve been able to leave with the wuv of your life. A guy willing to have an affair with a married mother. That was a quality man you lost out on.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's probably already obvious to you but there are at least two big sex killers in your narrative. 

The first is that you're having to sort of parent him. Having sex with someone you have to kind of take care of like a kid is very unsexy. 

Then the obvious one is his betrayal or whatever you want to call it wanting to open the marriage. I mean that undermines your whole relationship, your trust, your respect for him, your love for him and your desire for him. 

And then of course third, you went outside the marriage and just opened up that can of worms so I'm not sure how that could be affecting you but it can certainly be affecting you. 

You have plenty of reason to not want to have sex with him right now, but I still think individual counseling right help you get a lot of that out of your system and clarify it all so that maybe then you can clarify it to him. I don't expect him to have a mature response just based on what you said about him.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The first time you spread your legs for the affair partner, your marriage was doomed. Actually long before that, when you thought about him all day and let him be your “best friend and emotional support”. You are being very disingenuous saying you want your AP’s marriage to work—- you don’t. You’re still in love with him. You’d get back with him in a heartbeat if he wanted to. For him to be friends with you at all is a death knell for his marriage. I lack compassion for all involved. Your AP for doing another man’s wife, your husband for being a scumbag wanting to “open the marriage”, and you for being a cheater. At least you can be a remorseless cheater and actually be justified if he really did ask for an open marriage and cheated on you.

That said, here’s what you should do: Your romantic feelings for your husband have been gone since your AP, and will never return. He deserves a divorce for being an ass. So get a divorce. But stop pretending to be best buds with your AP and wishing you could bang him. Just move on from all this and find yourself a new guy who makes more money than you. You know that makes you resent your husband.
Stop pretending you’re not in love with your AP still. You are, face it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> The first time you spread your legs for the affair partner, your marriage was doomed. Actually long before that, when you thought about him all day and let him be your “best friend and emotional support”. You are being very disingenuous saying you want your AP’s marriage to work—- you don’t. You’re still in love with him. You’d get back with him in a heartbeat if he wanted to. For him to be friends with you at all is a death knell for his marriage. I lack compassion for all involved. Your AP for doing another man’s wife, your husband for being a scumbag wanting to “open the marriage”, and you for being a cheater. At least you can be a remorseless cheater and actually be justified if he really did ask for an open marriage and cheated on you.
> 
> That said, here’s what you should do: Your romantic feelings for your husband have been gone since your AP, and will never return. He deserves a divorce for being an ass. So get a divorce. But stop pretending to be best buds with your AP and wishing you could bang him. Just move on from all this and find yourself a new guy who makes more money than you. You know that makes you resent your husband.
> Stop pretending you’re not in love with your AP still. You are, face it.


The marriage was doomed when her husband suggested they both sleep with other people.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It really sounds like you poured yourself into a marriage that took more out of you than it gave. 

No one here will be able to you exactly what you should do after being married this long. But it sounds as if you should spend a few days away from the house with no contact to at least clear your head. Maybe think back on what made you fall in love at the beginning and focus on that again.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Look, OP, bottom line, your marriage has been an illusion from the start. “I want an open marriage” means “I’m sick of hiding my cheating.” It’s very unlikely your husband has ever been faithful to you. Hindsight being what it is, of course you know now you should have left when he basically confessed he was going outside the marriage. But in the moment you didn’t, probably because your confidence was understandably shot, and in a bid to get it back you let yourself slide down to his level and become what he is: a cheater. What matters is what you do now. You have children to think of, and this circus from hell is bad for them. This “friend” of yours, sweetie, he’s not your friend. He’s someone who cheats on his wife. If he really cared about you, he would have left her. He didn’t because he was using you. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but the truth is your only way out of this. Get yourself in therapy and get your kids away from this toxic mess. They need you to be the adult and make the tough choices. I know you’re hurting, but the only way that changes is if YOU change this situation. It will be best for everyone.


----------



## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I'm going to go in somewhat a different direction. But its because it can offer some kind of a counterview. A lot of what you said makes sense, but Im just going to knock it down to the bare parts:

-Believing something is not the same as knowing it, you have said that your husbands desire for sex became what it was thanks to a colleague of his, there is no way to be sure of this. It can get triggered a host of ways.

-Your husband suggested opening up your marriage, and no I'm not saying its right, but he did still come to you to talk about it. He had a different viewpoint to you(and I'm not saying its the correct one) but you had a idea of marriage different to his, and you were hurt by what he said, a part of you is still carrying that hurt, and there has been no closure for you in that. I understand that there are things which are beyond reproach, but when in a marriage, there are two people who 'make' things work. There is nothing that a couple shouldn't be able to talk about, and if its that important that he put the marriage at risk, you should have at least known WHY he is going in that direction. And 'no', and explanation like 'its just sex' doesn't cut it. If 'its just sex' it can be with you. I for one attach a whole lot of importance to actions than talk. Does he even realize how devastated you were? How important it is to you?

-You have written you began a emotional relationship after the back and forth, and Im asking why? If you have said no to opening the marriage up, and he's agreed not to, why the seeking out? Why the affair outside? If you're not okay with it yourself, you made things a whole lot worse by not practicing what you preached.

If he's nice to your family then it means he's an empathetic person, and not without his own set of emotions, so he's not devoid of them and knows how to feel. I think you both handled this rather badly. He needs to be a lot more responsible, and less of a baby which he was treated like.

Secondly I second the fact that if you're hoping for sex to be over, or thinking of it with dread, there is something whole lot wrong with this relationship. You have unresolved issues that are bothering you emotionally and psychologically and they have to be sorted out, regardless if you even stay together, this is not healthy.

There are unresolved issues here that need to be discussed and resolved before anything else. I read the original post thrice and all of this comes across as bad communication and dysfunctional.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> The marriage was doomed when her husband suggested they both sleep with other people.


The marriage was doomed from the beginning when she married a child and treated him like one. Everything else is a natural consequence of not fixing that problem early on.

Too bad, so sad. Divorce or man up and live with the decisions that got you here. You could fix this if you wanted too.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yes, this marriage could be fixed if she wants to make an effort but she’s expecting her husband to do all the work. Like most WWs, she detached herself from her husband. Now she’s repulsed by her husband’s touch and is still emotionally connected to her OM , who’s now her married “friend.” 

I feel bad for the OM’s wife. She has no idea that her husband is bringing her to get togethers with a married friend that he had an affair with. Does OP think about how that poor woman would feel if it came out? Do you think she will believe they’re only friends now or will she believe they are still secretly hooking up? I’m sure the OM is picking up the vibe that she’d be willing to be his side piece. If they continues this “friendship“ it won’t be long before they’re at it again. 

If she really wants to make an effort at restoring her marriage, she should confess her affair. Not just let her husband think that it was a slightly inappropriate friendship. Let him know that she still yearns to break up the family so she could run off with this guy. That way her husband has a real idea what he’s dealing with. Only when everything is out in the open can they begin to either work on the marriage or just divorce. The current limbo is not sustainable.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Yes, this marriage could be fixed if she wants to make an effort but she’s expecting her husband to do all the work. Like most WWs, she detached herself from her husband. Now she’s repulsed by her husband’s touch and is still emotionally connected to her OM , who’s now her married “friend.”
> 
> I feel bad for the OM’s wife. She has no idea that her husband is bringing her to get togethers with a married friend that he had an affair with. Does OP think about how that poor woman would feel if it came out? Do you think she will believe they’re only friends now or will she believe they are still secretly hooking up? I’m sure the OM is picking up the vibe that she’d be willing to be his side piece. If they continues this “friendship“ it won’t be long before they’re at it again.
> 
> If she really wants to make an effort at restoring her marriage, she should confess her affair. Not just let her husband think that it was a slightly inappropriate friendship. Let him know that she still yearns to break up the family so she could run off with this guy. That way her husband has a real idea what he’s dealing with. Only when everything is out in the open can they begin to either work on the marriage or just divorce. The current limbo is not sustainable.


I don’t disagree but don’t forget hubby has his own cheating heart and the damage from that has never been resolved with OP. OP did a great job of vilifying him so I won’t repeat.

OP has a ton of blame here as the ‘leader’ so-to-say in the marriage but hubby is a huge problem child. She neglected to deal with that early on and now here we are. Buyers remorse and lusting over lost love is where she’s at now.

Major IC for both and MC is the only path I see to fixing this and even then it won’t be what hopes and dreams are made of. D or do nothing is more likely in my opinion.

This quote made me change every view of OP and what her real values are.


jk1223 said:


> The difference in values and devaluation of the sanctity of our marriage shattered me. I did end up having an affair with a very good friend at this time,


Total BS. Hubby is a scapegoat for what she wanted to do. And she wanted to do that because she married a man-child and needed a real man. Again, buyers remorse.


----------



## jk1223 (11 mo ago)

redmarshall said:


> -Your husband suggested opening up your marriage, and no I'm not saying its right, but he did still come to you to talk about it. He had a different viewpoint to you(and I'm not saying its the correct one) but you had a idea of marriage different to his, and you were hurt by what he said, a part of you is still carrying that hurt, and there has been no closure for you in that. I understand that there are things which are beyond reproach, but when in a marriage, there are two people who 'make' things work. There is nothing that a couple shouldn't be able to talk about, and if its that important that he put the marriage at risk, you should have at least known WHY he is going in that direction. And 'no', and explanation like 'its just sex' doesn't cut it. If 'its just sex' it can be with you. I for one attach a whole lot of importance to actions than talk. Does he even realize how devastated you were? How important it is to you?


You're right, nothing should be off the table as a conversation. I went along with it against my instincts and that's entirely on me. I had the option to say no. I had fallen into the habit of trying to make him happy. He thought it would just be a fun little lark and for him I guess it could be. For me, not so much. I do go to IC and it does help. And no, he does not understand how much it devastated me. He tried to I think, but it just doesn't make sense to him. He told me he just does not see how that should matter so much as long as we love each other and communicate it to each other. I don't there was ever a conscious malicious intent on his part, just hey I'd like to this and I think it would be fun. In fact, my counsellor pointed out that that is probably one of my biggest hang-ups--the stark difference in how we each saw that part of our marriage when I thought we both saw it the same way. Add to that that I went against my values by participating and it's a total S***show. I should have walked away. I do have a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband that I do not know how to let go of. If at any point, in any of the conversations we've had about all of this, he had looked at me and said I am sorry for what this had done to you; I never set out to hurt you this way, it would make a world of difference. He has never done that. I have asked him to but for him that would be a lie. He simply does not see anything wrong with any of it. Does not make him an evil person; that's just what he believes. That is what I am left to try to reconcile, and now to decide if I even can. I accept a lot of the blame for where we are, a big majority of it actually, but I cannot and do not deserve to shoulder it all.

I can also admit that there had been an attraction between my friend and I that I never acknowledged and maybe I saw that as permission. We had been friends a long time and I never stopped to think about how much I was relying on him to fill a gap in my marriage. 

Probably didn't want to because I was having my cake and eating it too. My AP was not seeing anyone at the time of the affair, and we tried to talk ourselves out of it. I was not my best self and neither was he at the time. We were both weak and wrong and I did make things worse.

I was and am tired of being responsible for my husband. Yeah, I did want someone who seemed like more of a man. It was nice to fell appreciated and not have to mother someone for a hot minute. I was no angel in any of this. None of us were. I am sure I was the most wrong. I like to think we are trying to be better people overall but who knows how that will bear out. I have told my husband I would like for him to be more "manly" for lack of a better way to put it, take on more responsibility, and he has. He is trying. He does a lot of good things for us. He is not a bad man. I would like to get to a place where I can appreciate his efforts, give him more credit for what he is trying to do. I simply do not know how right now.

Someone suggested taking a few days away from it all with no communication. I think that's a perfect idea. I don't that he will go for it. Usually the more I try to take some time for myself to sort stuff out, the more clingy he gets. I'm sure he senses the disconnect. I can put it out there and try.


----------



## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

jk1223 said:


> You're right, nothing should be off the table as a conversation. I went along with it against my instincts and that's entirely on me. I had the option to say no. I had fallen into the habit of trying to make him happy. He thought it would just be a fun little lark and for him I guess it could be. For me, not so much. I do go to IC and it does help. And no, he does not understand how much it devastated me. He tried to I think, but it just doesn't make sense to him. He told me he just does not see how that should matter so much as long as we love each other and communicate it to each other. I don't there was ever a conscious malicious intent on his part, just hey I'd like to this and I think it would be fun. In fact, my counsellor pointed out that that is probably one of my biggest hang-ups--the stark difference in how we each saw that part of our marriage when I thought we both saw it the same way. Add to that that I went against my values by participating and it's a total S***show. I should have walked away. I do have a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband that I do not know how to let go of. If at any point, in any of the conversations we've had about all of this, he had looked at me and said I am sorry for what this had done to you; I never set out to hurt you this way, it would make a world of difference. He has never done that. I have asked him to but for him that would be a lie. He simply does not see anything wrong with any of it. Does not make him an evil person; that's just what he believes. That is what I am left to try to reconcile, and now to decide if I even can. I accept a lot of the blame for where we are, a big majority of it actually, but I cannot and do not deserve to shoulder it all.
> 
> I can also admit that there had been an attraction between my friend and I that I never acknowledged and maybe I saw that as permission. We had been friends a long time and I never stopped to think about how much I was relying on him to fill a gap in my marriage.
> 
> ...


Yeah - clingy. BTW-when was your cake day?


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jk1223 said:


> Someone suggested taking a few days away from it all with no communication. I think that's a perfect idea. I don't that he will go for it. Usually the more I try to take some time for myself to sort stuff out, the more clingy he gets. I'm sure he senses the disconnect. I can put it out there and try.


It's good to hear the honesty in your last post.

You say your hubby doesn't really realize the depth of the marriage problems and the hurt he has caused. I think you need to shock him awake, and separation (a few days away) BY YOUSELF might be a good step. I'm not sure if "put it out there and try" is the right approach as opposed to just telling him what you're going to do. You're looking for a real eye-opening jolt for him.

He needs a ton of IC to bring his awareness up to be able to connect with you properly and be aware of his impact on you. Not to mention learning how to lead a family.
You need to fix the motherly junk and learn how to hold him accountable while also supporting him.
It sounds like a long hard road.

Best of luck OP.


----------



## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

jk1223 said:


> You're right, nothing should be off the table as a conversation. I went along with it against my instincts and that's entirely on me. I had the option to say no. I had fallen into the habit of trying to make him happy. He thought it would just be a fun little lark and for him I guess it could be. For me, not so much. I do go to IC and it does help. And no, he does not understand how much it devastated me. He tried to I think, but it just doesn't make sense to him. He told me he just does not see how that should matter so much as long as we love each other and communicate it to each other. I don't there was ever a conscious malicious intent on his part, just hey I'd like to this and I think it would be fun. In fact, my counsellor pointed out that that is probably one of my biggest hang-ups--the stark difference in how we each saw that part of our marriage when I thought we both saw it the same way. Add to that that I went against my values by participating and it's a total S***show. I should have walked away. I do have a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband that I do not know how to let go of. If at any point, in any of the conversations we've had about all of this, he had looked at me and said I am sorry for what this had done to you; I never set out to hurt you this way, it would make a world of difference. He has never done that. I have asked him to but for him that would be a lie. He simply does not see anything wrong with any of it. Does not make him an evil person; that's just what he believes. That is what I am left to try to reconcile, and now to decide if I even can. I accept a lot of the blame for where we are, a big majority of it actually, but I cannot and do not deserve to shoulder it all.
> 
> I can also admit that there had been an attraction between my friend and I that I never acknowledged and maybe I saw that as permission. We had been friends a long time and I never stopped to think about how much I was relying on him to fill a gap in my marriage.
> 
> ...


Yeah... I like how you enjoy putting the pain on.

Sad.

Mark


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not everyone can be who you want them to be.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You can’t fix your head toward your husband because you love another man. Plain and simple. He could be Clark Kent tomorrow and your feelings wouldn’t change. I’m not throwing rocks at you. Your husband did you wrong if he really did “open the marriage”. He just never developed emotions for his g buddies. He should have known one of you would. He’s an idiot. Divorce him.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jk1223 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am very hesitant to post but I think I think I need some perspective. I have been married for almost twenty years, together or almost 25, two teenage children and a generally happy home.
> 
> ...


Until you can forgive your husband, your marriage has little chance of surviving. I urge you to seek marriage counseling and individual counseling so that you can better understand your anger, forgive him and work toward either rebuilding or ending your marriage.

Even if you aren't verbally telling him how angry you are with him a husband of all those years, knows from your lack of kisses, you body language, facial expressions, tone of voice that you are angry with him, that you have no sexual desire for him, that you don't orgasm, and you want him to finish as quickly as possible. 

Think about what sex with you might be like from his perspective? I would suggest to you that the reason he still wants it is because he still loves you and wants the two of you to be emotionally close.

Good luck.


----------



## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

jk1223 said:


> You're right, nothing should be off the table as a conversation. I went along with it against my instincts and that's entirely on me. I had the option to say no. I had fallen into the habit of trying to make him happy. He thought it would just be a fun little lark and for him I guess it could be. For me, not so much. I do go to IC and it does help. And no, he does not understand how much it devastated me. He tried to I think, but it just doesn't make sense to him. He told me he just does not see how that should matter so much as long as we love each other and communicate it to each other. I don't there was ever a conscious malicious intent on his part, just hey I'd like to this and I think it would be fun. In fact, my counsellor pointed out that that is probably one of my biggest hang-ups--the stark difference in how we each saw that part of our marriage when I thought we both saw it the same way. Add to that that I went against my values by participating and it's a total S***show. I should have walked away. I do have a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband that I do not know how to let go of. If at any point, in any of the conversations we've had about all of this, he had looked at me and said I am sorry for what this had done to you; I never set out to hurt you this way, it would make a world of difference. He has never done that. I have asked him to but for him that would be a lie. He simply does not see anything wrong with any of it. Does not make him an evil person; that's just what he believes. That is what I am left to try to reconcile, and now to decide if I even can. I accept a lot of the blame for where we are, a big majority of it actually, but I cannot and do not deserve to shoulder it all.
> 
> I can also admit that there had been an attraction between my friend and I that I never acknowledged and maybe I saw that as permission. We had been friends a long time and I never stopped to think about how much I was relying on him to fill a gap in my marriage.
> 
> ...


So that means in a way he can't appreciate how this has hurt you, and thats a case of insensitivity, he may not be lying, but yes that is insensitive, that he can't appreciate how you feel about it, and still feel about it. Especially when you've voiced it out, I agree, you need to take some time and re evaluate yourself. And for that matter so can he, if its a joint decision, it needed to be one comfortable for both and not for the one.


----------

