# Enjoying a break from the kids



## jld

Our 3 youngest kids and our dd19 are visiting their grandparents for the summer. They've been gone two weeks and will be back the beginning of August.

I love them very much, and we are nearly always together, as we homeschool. It is very different having them away. Ds15 elected to stay home with me this summer, so I am not alone.

I feel a little guilty saying that I am enjoying just having one child around! Ds15 is independent, fixing his own meals, and keeping himself entertained. He is also pretty helpful. And he is not missing his little brothers at all! 

I am really glad we have our kids, but it feels like such a treat to have it quiet in the house, and to do so much less laundry and cleaning up and cooking.

And the time with dh alone is a dream! Ds occupies himself, and is sometimes gone, so dh and I can be alone. This has not happened often in the past, and I tell you, I am relishing it. He is often away for work, but he has been home for 48 hours, and it was so appreciated. He leaves again in a few hours, but will be home for the weekend.

It is so pleasant and relaxing to be alone with dh. No little ones to care for, no little eyes watching. I feel like I am getting a taste of what it would have been like not to have children. You can just devote yourselves to one another. It really seems like bliss.

I am very happy we have the kids, and would not change that. But I am seeing the advantages of a childfree marriage, too. Again, so incredibly relaxing. So luxurious to just be able to focus on each other.

Parents, have you ever had an extended period of time without your kids, but with your spouse? Did you enjoy it? Or did you miss your kids too much to enjoy it? 

Do you ever find yourself missing the time when it was just the two of you?


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## EnjoliWoman

I have a theory which was shot to heck by statistics... my theory was that second marriages fare a better chance because kids are gone at LEAST for a weekend or two a month, if not more often, leaving adults to have their time. But alas second marriages don't fare better, but I think that's because we tend to make the same mistakes as there are a lot of broken 'pickers' out there. But in my dreamy mind, there are weeks and weekends with kids and the occasional weekend without where a couple can really enjoy uninterrupted conversations over glasses of wine on the patio, lazy Saturday morning sex, day trips without the need to hear complaints, etc.

I love my daughter and due to the abuse I would have never stuck with my exH BUT after the first few weekends when I cried while she was away, I began to like the simple things like shopping without being a hurry. Trying on 10 bras to find the one that fits perfectly without either having to try them on with a stroller parked in the dressing room or having her in there or as she was older, impatiently asking if I was done yet and the heavy sighs associated with a need for a different size. Being able to have grown up food - salads for dinner (kiddo doesn't like them) or having to take her into consideration when preparing meals in general. Having the house stay neat and watching shows with R or MA ratings on TV (Masters of Sex is coming back!) without waiting for her to be elsewhere. I worry about her exposure to exH so I keep tabs on that but I do often enjoy the times I can just focus on me or what I need to do.


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## that_girl

I would LOVE THAT..

:yay: :bounce:

Amg. I so need a break from people under 5 feet tall LOL!


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## kag123

Your post is encouraging. My H and I get to go out quite a bit without our kids, we are lucky to have his family there to watch them at the drop of a hat. We get lots of date nights and weekends away. 

The longest we've been away was 2-3 nights. I enjoy our time away but we are always VERY ready to be with them again after that amount of time. My kids are still little (4 & 5) and maybe I will feel differently when they are a bit older. They are sort of an extension of us now and its strange when they are not around. All we can both think about is how our kids would love this or that, lets bring them home this little thing or lets take a picture to show them. Luckily H is the same way with missing the kids and thinking about them constantly. 

I am very worried though about our future with an empty nest. We are enjoying this time while our kids are little but I am aware that we need to give them space as they grow to develop on their own. And when they are older they will want to do anything they can to get away from us I am sure!

Right now though I just can't picture what H and I will do with an empty nest. We've def got some issues in our marraige (from my perspective) that I feel will become larger issues once kids are gone. I am definitely hoping that some miracle will occur tho and the situation will be like you describe it - magically blissful!


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## jld

Blissful -- that is it, kag. Dh is a nurturer, at least in some ways, and when the kids are here, a fair amount of that energy goes to them. I like having all of it, lol.

Sheesh, I feel kind of selfish and immature admitting that. But I am truly enjoying his attention!


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## RoseAglow

I am fortunate to have lots of family nearby, so my DH and I get an "Adult Night Only" pretty much monthly. I've been away from my DH and son for work, but have never gone on a weekend away with just DH. Our 5th anniversary is next month, and we are thinking about taking that weekend away. 

Enjoy your time! It sounds like a perfect summer vacation- time with your DH, time to yourself, and time with you DS! Then you get the whole family back! Bliss, indeed!


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## jld

Thanks, Rose!


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## karole

kag123 said:


> Your post is encouraging. My H and I get to go out quite a bit without our kids, we are lucky to have his family there to watch them at the drop of a hat. We get lots of date nights and weekends away.
> 
> The longest we've been away was 2-3 nights. I enjoy our time away but we are always VERY ready to be with them again after that amount of time. My kids are still little (4 & 5) and maybe I will feel differently when they are a bit older. They are sort of an extension of us now and its strange when they are not around. All we can both think about is how our kids would love this or that, lets bring them home this little thing or lets take a picture to show them. Luckily H is the same way with missing the kids and thinking about them constantly.
> 
> I am very worried though about our future with an empty nest. We are enjoying this time while our kids are little but I am aware that we need to give them space as they grow to develop on their own. And when they are older they will want to do anything they can to get away from us I am sure!
> 
> Right now though I just can't picture what H and I will do with an empty nest. We've def got some issues in our marraige (from my perspective) that I feel will become larger issues once kids are gone. I am definitely hoping that some miracle will occur tho and the situation will be like you describe it - magically blissful!


You will look forward to an "empty nest" once you make it through the teenage years - especially if you have girls! LOL!


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## Anonymous07

That sounds like a nice break.  

I just want one day of not having to take care of my son, which would be an amazing break. Although that day will have to be months from now(at the earliest) since he is attached to me(literally) for part of the day(breastfeeding). I feel kind of bad, but can't wait to wean him. 

Enjoy your time.


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## jld

Anon, my friend, I breastfed for 16 years. Five kids, minimum 2 1/2 years each. I _know_ what you are going through.

But it is so worth it!  Hang in there!


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## jld

karole said:


> You will look forward to an "empty nest" once you make it through the teenage years - especially if you have girls! LOL!


Hey, I loved having my daughter around! Great cook, and super with her little brothers!

Just giving you a hard time, karole!


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## karole

JLD, I love my daughter with all my heart (she is an only child); however, if I had to go back with her for ages 13-15, I would seriously consider boarding school!!!


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## jld

karole said:


> JLD, I love my daughter with all my heart (she is an only child); however, if I had to go back with her for ages 13-15, I would seriously consider boarding school!!!


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## john117

I could use a National Guard style marriage actually, two weeks a year and one weekend a month would be perfect 

We live in a humongous house and with both girls here we never had any issues with privacy or noise etc. 

With both girls away for college I find I often spend more time wondering about them and their whereabouts. 

Best times ever when my wife goes back to her country for a few weeks at a time!!!


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## jld

Well, if you are happiest when she is gone for several weeks, then you will surely enjoy when you two go your separate ways. Maybe you will bypass the grief stage completely!


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## john117

jld said:


> Well, if you are happiest when she is gone for several weeks, then you will surely enjoy when you two go your separate ways. Maybe you will bypass the grief stage completely!



Sad to report that most of the fun the rest of us have during her solo trips abroad involves making copious references to her behavior 

Quite often the younger girl will make a gut busting vocal imitation of J2...


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## over20

jld said:


> Our 3 youngest kids and our dd19 are visiting their grandparents for the summer. They've been gone two weeks and will be back the beginning of August.
> 
> I love them very much, and we are nearly always together, as we homeschool. It is very different having them away. Ds15 elected to stay home with me this summer, so I am not alone.
> 
> I feel a little guilty saying that I am enjoying just having one child around! Ds15 is independent, fixing his own meals, and keeping himself entertained. He is also pretty helpful. And he is not missing his little brothers at all!
> 
> I am really glad we have our kids, but it feels like such a treat to have it quiet in the house, and to do so much less laundry and cleaning up and cooking.
> 
> And the time with dh alone is a dream! Ds occupies himself, and is sometimes gone, so dh and I can be alone. This has not happened often in the past, and I tell you, I am relishing it. He is often away for work, but he has been home for 48 hours, and it was so appreciated. He leaves again in a few hours, but will be home for the weekend.
> 
> It is so pleasant and relaxing to be alone with dh. No little ones to care for, no little eyes watching. I feel like I am getting a taste of what it would have been like not to have children. You can just devote yourselves to one another. It really seems like bliss.
> 
> I am very happy we have the kids, and would not change that. But I am seeing the advantages of a childfree marriage, too. Again, so incredibly relaxing. So luxurious to just be able to focus on each other.
> 
> Parents, have you ever had an extended period of time without your kids, but with your spouse? Did you enjoy it? Or did you miss your kids too much to enjoy it?
> 
> Do you ever find yourself missing the time when it was just the two of you?


Ah, yes...what do you and your hubs do for fun? Do you go to the show, symphony, wine club, sailing, cards....?Do you have regular date nights?....I only ask because I am also a SAHM and our oldest has left the nest.....so we are excited!! The older children babysit so we can go out.... A LOT more than before..


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## jld

john117 said:


> Sad to report that most of the fun the rest of us have during her solo trips abroad involves making copious references to her behavior
> 
> Quite often the younger girl will make a gut busting vocal imitation of J2...


Oh, john, I know I should make some kind of supportive comment, but this just makes me so sad. I feel so bad for your wife, that she is not able to have a healthy relationship with you and the girls.

I am so glad they have you, though. You are devoted to them. You are really sacrificing for them. And they feel that. I am sure they appreciate it.

Your wife's upbringing has robbed her of the possibility of happiness. Poor lady.


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## jld

over20 said:


> Ah, yes...what do you and your hubs do for fun? Do you go to the show, symphony, wine club, sailing, cards....?Do you have regular date nights?....I only ask because I am also a SAHM and our oldest has left the nest.....so we are excited!! The older children babysit so we can go out.... A LOT more than before..


Lol, no, we are pretty boring. Walks in the park are our "dates." 

Sometimes we go for dinner. These days we will watch World Cup games together.

You know, I remember when couples did Card Club. One night a month fun. I don't even know of any anymore. I guess everybody plays cards online?

I wish we had more couple friends, too. Dh just has no interest in that. He is home so little, that when he is here, he just wants to be with me and the kids.

I think what I am enjoying, or was yesterday and Sunday, is just having him here without sharing him with 3 or 4 other people, lol. I love all his attention, just for me  (okay, I do have to share him with ds15!).


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## EleGirl

jld said:


> Our 3 youngest kids and our dd19 are visiting their grandparents for the summer. They've been gone two weeks and will be back the beginning of August.
> 
> I love them very much, and we are nearly always together, as we homeschool. It is very different having them away. Ds15 elected to stay home with me this summer, so I am not alone.
> 
> I feel a little guilty saying that I am enjoying just having one child around! Ds15 is independent, fixing his own meals, and keeping himself entertained. He is also pretty helpful. And he is not missing his little brothers at all!
> 
> I am really glad we have our kids, but it feels like such a treat to have it quiet in the house, and to do so much less laundry and cleaning up and cooking.
> 
> And the time with dh alone is a dream! Ds occupies himself, and is sometimes gone, so dh and I can be alone. This has not happened often in the past, and I tell you, I am relishing it. He is often away for work, but he has been home for 48 hours, and it was so appreciated. He leaves again in a few hours, but will be home for the weekend.
> 
> It is so pleasant and relaxing to be alone with dh. No little ones to care for, no little eyes watching. I feel like I am getting a taste of what it would have been like not to have children. You can just devote yourselves to one another. It really seems like bliss.
> 
> I am very happy we have the kids, and would not change that. But I am seeing the advantages of a childfree marriage, too. Again, so incredibly relaxing. So luxurious to just be able to focus on each other.
> 
> Parents, have you ever had an extended period of time without your kids, but with your spouse? Did you enjoy it? Or did you miss your kids too much to enjoy it?
> 
> Do you ever find yourself missing the time when it was just the two of you?


Since your children are with you most of the time, I can see why you are enjoying this break. You know that they will be home but you get some YOU time for a change.

Enjoy it!! Recharge your energy. By the time they get back you will be wanting to see them sooooo much.

Pamper yourself, you deserve it!


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## over20

jld said:


> Lol, no, we are pretty boring. Walks in the park are our "dates."
> 
> Sometimes we go for dinner. These days we will watch World Cup games together.
> 
> You know, I remember when couples did Card Club. One night a month fun. I don't even know of any anymore. I guess everybody plays cards online?
> 
> I wish we had more couple friends, too. Dh just has no interest in that. He is home so little, that when he is here, he just wants to be with me and the kids.
> 
> I think what I am enjoying, or was yesterday and Sunday, is just having him here without sharing him with 3 or 4 other people, lol. I love all his attention, just for me  (okay, I do have to share him with ds15!).


JLD, can you guys go out to dinner with your husbands co workers.......so maybe is your hubs more of an introvert? That is not a bad thing...unless you are an extrovert?


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## jld

Lol, Ele, I am enjoying it too much! No responsibility, or minimal! I love having just one teen at home! 

I skyped with ds5 yesterday. Such a fun little guy. Kept telling me, "Je t'aime, je t'aime." He has really never spoken much French, as dh has been away much of his young life. But with being in France, he is hearing it all the time, so is starting to speak more of it. 

And he loves that farm. All the boys do. And I am sure dh's parents enjoy having them around. They were helping them with the haying the last few days. So much fun for the kids.

Dd is down in Switzerland for a few days. She is going to do a year abroad there, a year from now. So tomorrow she is meeting some professors and getting acquainted with the campus. Then Thurs. she will take the train back to Paris and do a little shopping/sightseeing, and then take the train back to Normandy. Should be fun. 

over20, dh is an introvert. I am more extroverted, but still pretty quiet, definitely a one on one gal. He works in another state, and I don't know the people he works with. When I go to his apartment, we just stay with the kids.

We're so socially lazy!


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## over20

JLD, but some of your kids are older...yes? Why can't they stay behind...and you go to your hubs apartment ALONE?


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## jld

over20 said:


> JLD, but some of your kids are older...yes? Why can't they stay behind...and you go to your hubs apartment ALONE?


Well, dh and dd19 share the apartment during the school year. And it is 6 hours away from where the boys and I live.

Dh and I did go out to CA for a few days in March, when dd19 had Spring Break. We really enjoyed that.

I am sure there will be more alone times ahead. And it will be something to look forward to! :smthumbup:


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## john117

I can't even begin to imagine the epic parties I would have if I worked in / lived in either of my girls' college digs


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## jld

john117 said:


> I can't even begin to imagine the epic parties I would have if I worked in / lived in either of my girls' college digs


Lol. But dd is very studious, and she goes to the parties of the hardworking Asian grad students . . . and stays away from the alcohol.


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## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> Our 3 youngest kids and our dd19 are visiting their grandparents for the summer. They've been gone two weeks and will be back the beginning of August.
> 
> I love them very much, and we are nearly always together, *as we homeschool.* It is very different having them away. Ds15 elected to stay home with me this summer, so I am not alone.
> 
> *I feel a little guilty saying that I am enjoying just having one child around! Ds15 is independent, fixing his own meals, and keeping himself entertained. He is also pretty helpful. And he is not missing his little brothers at all!*
> 
> I am really glad we have our kids, but it feels like such a treat to have it quiet in the house, and to do so much less laundry and cleaning up and cooking.


 I FEEL like this when they are all in school.. less cooking meals, less arguing/ fighting.... I LIKE IT !! Peace.. And you Home-school - you really need a break!..... my hats off to you...I could never do this.. I'd feel very stressed... I wouldn't have the patience for it.. Cyber school maybe ...but not Home schooling...



> *And the time with dh alone is a dream! Ds occupies himself, and is sometimes gone, so dh and I can be alone. This has not happened often in the past, and I tell you, I am relishing it. He is often away for work, but he has been home for 48 hours, and it was so appreciated. He leaves again in a few hours, but will be home for the weekend.*


 So happy for you JLD...you need this... so badly ! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup: It's like the words to that old Tommy James Classic..  I think we're alone now .....except it's about getting away from the kids .. and not the parents [email protected]# 



> It is so pleasant and relaxing to be alone with dh. No little ones to care for, no little eyes watching. I feel like I am getting a taste of what it would have been like not to have children. You can just devote yourselves to one another. It really seems like bliss.
> 
> I am very happy we have the kids, and would not change that. But I am seeing the advantages of a childfree marriage, too. Again, so incredibly relaxing. *So luxurious to just be able to focus on each other.*


 We all need this...



> Parents, have you ever had an extended period of time without your kids, but with your spouse? Did you enjoy it? Or did you miss your kids too much to enjoy it?
> 
> Do you ever find yourself missing the time when it was just the two of you?


 We spent over 6 yrs -just being Us.. so when we married... we were ready to jump into parenting.. we enjoyed our 1st son SO much -we just wanted to do it again.. but this didn't work out so well.. 

Because of the babies delay... we were more than overwhelmed with thankfulness when they started coming.. I can look back and can see how MY Focus on them stole something from us...though it was never very bad - as we were so "together" on our parenting and Family vacations.. YET.. 

We didn't take ONE Romantic vacation alone until 5 yrs ago... then it was like ..."OMG.. what have we been missing... I wanted to RUN away from our kids.. and it just be Me & him,







.. me and him,







.. me and him ...







...

I didn't miss the kids at all !! The only concern we have when we're away is their safety.. that's it.. we check in a couple times a day.

I can see why you want to grab and not let go of every precious moment JLD.. with his being away so much... so happy for you both !


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## jld

Thanks, SA. I had to laugh at your linking that song . . . I know sometimes dh and I feel like teens, sneaking away from the kids. 

Well, we had a little misunderstanding tonight. I thought he was going to call me before he went to sleep, and he thought we said good night before he talked to me an hour an a half ago. I actually think he was right, that we did say good night, but I forgot . . . .

Anyway, I called him a half an hour ago, and he was already asleep. He woke up and took the call, but I felt bad for calling him. And I felt sad, too. 

I suppose that sounds silly, but I look forward to talking to him right before he goes to bed. It is kind of a ritual, and when it did not happen, like tonight, it shakes me a little bit. I depend on him a lot, emotionally. He is calm and steady, and that makes me feel safe. I so appreciate his stability.

I assume every woman wants that quality in a man -- inner security, what allows him to support not only himself, but a woman, too -- but maybe not all women do. Maybe not all women need it.


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## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> I suppose that sounds silly, but I look forward to talking to him right before he goes to bed. It is kind of a ritual, and when it did not happen, like tonight, it shakes me a little bit. I depend on him a lot, emotionally. He is calm and steady, and that makes me feel safe. I so appreciate his stability.
> 
> I assume every woman wants that quality in a man -- inner security, what allows him to support not only himself, but a woman, too -- but maybe not all women do. Maybe not all women need it.


I can understand your feeling it was a "let down" - as it's something that means something to you -hearing his voice before you lay your head to sleep... sounds in this case -it was a misunderstanding though, so all is good...it happens! 

You speak much on the inner security of men, how you NEED this ... I never really gave this a whole lot of thought in my lifetime with my Husband.. I just needed him THERE for me.. ya know.. but he always was.. 

I think because your Husband is away SO MUCH (most of us can not really comprehend this)....that of course you yearn for him...and maybe you feel you need more emotionally over other women ... but really .. do you ???

You are sleeping alone the vast majority of nights... you look forward to his phone calls.. this is your lifeline to him.. this is what you hang onto...he's your MAN.. we all need our MEN.....

I don't see anything wrong with it --if this is one of the small things you ask -for his time away...... Others who are separated for long periods of time...I am sure could relate to your feelings on this... 

What do you think? 

Sometimes when I have compared my Husband to yours, I get this feeling I probably make him come off "lessor" - not the Lighthouse in the storm yours may be ...unmovable/ unshakable....because I don't focus on this aspect so much but find his sensitivity and the idea I can HURT him , that he is not made of stone....endearing somehow.. he is not Superman.. but then I can make him *feel* like Superman... ya know.. 

I've used this song before (I think) to drive this point...this is how I see my Husband (especially in our beginnings) ...how he loves, his attitude towards me.. this is SECURE enough for me....we feed off of each other.. 

Superman by Ronan Keating......











> I've been heading in the wrong direction
> Hiding from my own protection
> Running but my heart was standing still
> I guess you saw the light inside me
> Your love has been a torch to guide me
> I hope I can be all that you deserve
> 
> Well I'm no superman
> But I'll love you that best I can
> And you know I'm just flesh and bones, but with you
> I feel I'm flying
> *Don't you know I'm no superman
> But I'll always be your man*
> 
> I was searching for a heart that's beating
> As fast as the way I'm feeling
> Trying to find some peace there in my soul
> You know it was your love that saved me
> The answer to my prayers you gave me
> And I hope I'll be all you deserve
> 
> I'd fight for you
> I'd die for you
> You know I would
> Hold back the night, light up the sky
> Oh if I could, I'll always be your man...yeah


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## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> You speak much on the inner security of men, how you NEED this ... I never really gave this a whole lot of thought in my lifetime with my Husband.. I just needed him THERE for me.. ya know.. but he always was..
> 
> I think because your Husband is away SO MUCH (most of us can not really comprehend this)....that of course you yearn for him...and maybe you feel you need more emotionally over other women ... but really .. do you ???
> 
> You are sleeping alone the vast majority of nights... you look forward to his phone calls.. this is your lifeline to him.. this is what you hang onto...he's your MAN.. we all need our MEN.....
> 
> I don't see anything wrong with it --if this is one of the small things you ask -for his time away...... Others who are separated for long periods of time...I am sure could relate to your feelings on this...
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> Sometimes when I have compared my Husband to yours, I get this feeling I probably make him come off "lessor" - not the Lighthouse in the storm yours may be ...unmovable/ unshakable....because I don't focus on this aspect so much but find his sensitivity and the idea I can HURT him , that he is not made of stone....endearing somehow.. he is not Superman.. but then I can make him *feel* like Superman... ya know..
> 
> I've used this song before (I think) to drive this point...this is how I see my Husband (especially in our beginnings) ...how he loves, his attitude towards me.. this is SECURE enough for me....we feed off of each other..


SA, you have a lot of self-confidence. You saw in your husband what others could not see. You saw the raw value, where others maybe only saw a quiet, shy guy who wore glasses. You have a lot of strength in yourself, and you did not need him to carry you. You could even carry him sometimes. 

And this ability to hurt him (not that you would ever use it!) does not frighten you in any way. Or maybe, to say it better, his ability to be hurt by you, does not frighten you in any way. It does not shake you. You don't need a stonelike strength from him. You may even provide a stonelike strength for him, and for your children. 

You actually may need that vulnerability that you know he has. I don't think it is a weakness. It is probably an emotional strength that your husband has, and certainly it is part of his trust in you.

I could not be with someone I could hurt, SA. My words are sharp. My emotions are intense. When I have to be long periods with people who get hurt easily (my family of origin), relationships are going to fray. 

I don't always realize the strength of my words. I just say what I feel, as I really do think being open and honest, just cutting to the chase, is more efficient in the long run. Or else I don't say anything.

That is why the active listening works so well with me. Dh does not take my words personally. He reflects them back to me. He knows I am not "mean," or "deceiving," or anything like that. He is secure in himself, and he has deep knowledge of me. 

With that, he does not fear me in any way. He knows I cannot hurt him. And what he really wants is that I am not hurting, either. He wants me to feel good in myself.

And he genuinely values my thoughts, even when they are expressed sharply. He says he learns a lot from me. 

He did say that at the beginning of our relationship, my words made him angry. He was not used to such open expression.

But then he started to listen to what I was saying, and he realized I was often right, even if it was challenging to hear. He told me I cannot lie, and that people are not used to that. 

He said it is actually very easy to live with me, because he never has to guess what I am thinking or feeling!

I find it a great freedom to be with a man like this, who is so secure in himself, that he can let me be myself, too. He does not accuse me of ulterior motives, or try to shame me in any way. He is not afraid of active listening, or of validating my feelings. He has his own strong sense of self, and so has no reason to fear me, or my expression, in any way.

I called him when I read your post, and he told me that I am strong inside, too, even if I cannot see it. He said people may misunderstand me, that my expression of my vulnerabilities may make them think I am weak, but that I am not.

But I think we all have that soft underbelly, SA. We want someone in our lives that we can just be naked, in every sense, with, and know that it will not be used against us. 

That is what dh is for me. I just don't think I can hurt him. When I have been angry at him, I have expressed it with some pretty strong words! 

But he sees past the emotion, into my heart. He uses active listening and it calms me down. Inevitably, I apologize, and he holds me, and all is better in the world. 

He did tell some friends once that there is something I could do that would hurt him. He said it would be if I stopped being transparent with him. He said that would mean that I had lost faith in him. And that, he said, would hurt him. 

I think we briefly discussed this once, that you are for your dh what my dh is for me. Do you think that is true? Or not exactly?


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## SimplyAmorous

We really like to explore the deep stuff, don't we Jld [email protected]#

Ok... you asked


> *jld said*: I think we briefly discussed this once,* that you are for your dh what my dh is for me. Do you think that is true? Or not exactly?*


 I can't say this is true, not in regards to this post & these examples...

When I say I can HURT him.. I mean "*Relationship altering*" stuff... my heart going astray (cheating, an EA, anything where he felt I left him emotionally.. .he is a very sentimental man & "feels" deeply)...to him, that would sear ...cut him ....even if he felt I didn't care to spend time with him, If I was too busy elsewhere & didn't miss him / our time together.... but I love this about him!...as that speaks how much he wants to be with me !! Do you see where I am coming from...

Even your husband's example.. if I suddenly wasn't so Transparent & openly bubbly with him ... he'd KNOW something has been lost between us....Oh he can READ me! 

Can I say...I have my moments....I loose my temper...I can unleash ... he is like your H, doesn't walk away.. he is more likely to say something that causes me to Stop.. rethink.. even laugh hysterically in the midst of it.... but really... just his being there -is calming to me..he knows this... 

Then I feel like a complete Heel going off on him.. He understands when it's "shark week" - his latest expression of a little PMS.. 2 days ago...I was...just... grouchy .... Never went off on him, but he did call me the "Customer from hell" when I was talking to a Comcast Rep on the phone -because they assured me I would get $15 off for 5 days no service.. never happened...(as I expected, I have very little good to say about this company)... and I wanted that corrected...I could have had a nicer tone.. he informed me they'd probably intentionally add more fees on due to my attitude (lovely of him -ha ha)...

Then I wasn't so sweet talking to the Oil distributors -as they told me they will call before they come to deliver 800 gallons and I reminded them last time they spoke this, they didn't honor it & I came home to the ticket in my door.. I sounded bi*chy ...I can admit it...









Then I was balling that night - worries on the brain.. that cloud was hovering...







... oh he handles me well.. . he tells me to get a grip, I need a Cage.. I need Laid.. he doesn't do it in mean way, but knows how to turn it around ..so I can see how ridiculous I am being...& laugh at myself...this helps me get that GRIP.... 

So is there strength in that..on his end.. Hell [email protected]#$... In the past, if I hurt him, he would TRY to bury it.. like when I had books in my hand or kids in bed with us, he was feeling less loved.....he is just NOT someone who complains .... but he should have !

We've talked about this, I NEVER want him putting himself down for me.. I want to hear how he feels.....we'll work it out .. I NEED that... so if I did hurt him, slight him, he will tell me !! And I will thank Him for it !


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## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> I could not be with someone I could hurt, SA. My words are sharp. My emotions are intense. When I have to be long periods with people who get hurt easily (my family of origin), relationships are going to fray.
> 
> I don't always realize the strength of my words. I just say what I feel, as I really do think being open and honest, just cutting to the chase, is more efficient in the long run. Or else I don't say anything.


 I think your Husband understands (and I keep going here - I can't help it) that his TIME AWAY has it's effects on you.... handling the fort at home pretty much alone.. 5 kids/ Home schooling / not getting out of the house enough....this could cause even the best of women to feel like a Pressure cooker.. you stuff your wants & needs down so much.. ...

That sometimes it just comes to the surface and needs to be let Loose... (not to mention the worry & loss of control over your son's cancer).. some would crack, find themselves dragging in depression .. you just happen to let out a Volcanic Roar every now & then... then get back to business..

I really think if he was home on a regular basis...I am betting this would subside considerably... Your thoughts? 



> That is why the active listening works so well with me. Dh does not take my words personally. He reflects them back to me. He knows I am not "mean," or "deceiving," or anything like that. He is secure in himself, and he has deep knowledge of me.


 but in those moments, you are feeling what you are speaking ... Oh it may be distorted ... but to dismiss it all entirely.. not so sure about that.. likely you have pent up wants / needs that you are crying out for... If in any way --you and he could find some remedies (even his calling every night before Bed -and just not forgetting) to help you throughout your days without him.. could make a difference here...



> He did say that at the beginning of our relationship, my words made him angry. He was not used to such open expression.
> 
> But then he started to listen to what I was saying, and he realized I was often right, even if it was challenging to hear. He told me I cannot lie, and that people are not used to that.


 It can surely be a Jolt to some's system when too much is unfiltered.. I really enjoyed that move "Liar Liar' with Jim Carry.. some of it was too outrageous...yet some parts... I was really laughing...especially that car lot scene...

I got the biggest charge out of this .... (45 seconds long)...don't we THINK Like this? 

Liar Liar - Car Troubles 



> *jld said : But I think we all have that soft underbelly, SA. We want someone in our lives that we can just be naked, in every sense, with, and know that it will not be used against us. *


 Yes.. this should be our spouse.. we're all imperfect and have unruly -not so pretty moments... to know & feel that acceptance... is one of the most beautiful things about love... 

Yrs ago now...once I was railing my H telling him how I wanted him to be more aggressive with me (this has caused me some ridiculous unruliness at times)... telling him I wanted him to be this, do this.... then I turn it around on him, give him the floor and ask.. "Now what would you like to change about me?".. he looks at me and says.. "nothing, because then it wouldn't be You"...and smiles... I turned to mush, started balling.. end of argument.... on to make up sex ! Endearing moments.. 



> He did tell some friends once that there is something I could do that would hurt him. He said it would be if I stopped being transparent with him. He said that would mean that I had lost faith in him. And that, he said, would hurt him.


 He is not so stoic after all.. just kidding!!


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## jld

Wow, SA, thanks for your responses! I did not expect such thoughtful feedback! 

I will respond later. Running to get ds15 from swimming, and pretty captivated by the Germany/USA soccer match!


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## jld

Okay, Team USA lost, but is moving into the Round of 16 anyway, so back to business . . . 

Yep, I love deep conversation. Dh says I am bored by the superficial, lol. But some of that is needed for people to feel comfortable, I guess.

Just the brief time I spent talking with your husband, SA, I really felt he was a very kind, gentle, secure man. He knows what he thinks (loved talking politics with him!), but he can listen to others, too. 

He seems like a genuinely happy person, SA. I just got the feeling he loves his life, his wife, his family. Both you and he just radiated authenticity. A very happy couple, with a happy family. 

I want you to meet my husband, too. It is hard to accurately describe people. Sometimes you have to get the vibes they send out, you know? 

Your husband seems sensitive, in the good way. He cares about people's feelings. He knows what might hurt, and he avoids that. Is that accurate?

He knows how to talk to you in a way that gets you laughing, but makes a point, too. After 32 years, I am sure he knows you very well! 

About the going off on service people . . . would your husband not do this? He would just pay the bill, or whatever? But when you stand up, he appreciates it?

About the resentment over your attention on the kids . . . No, that is not my dh at all. He really wanted several kids, and to him, they are the priority. Maybe it's the Catholic in him? I know he takes fatherhood very seriously, and really wanted the kids breastfed and homeschooled. I don't think he can imagine marriage without children.

It has been a bit of an issue to me, over the years, that sometimes I feel like the kids are more important to him than I am. 

That sounds so silly, doesn't it, from a mother? Selfish, even. But I need attention, too, and to feel like a priority. 

This last weekend, I definitely got attention from him, as most of the kids were not here. Gosh, I was blissfully happy last weekend. I kept thinking that if we did not have so many kids, I might have felt that way the whole marriage. All that attention just for me!

I think the strength I speak of in dh is that he is not needy. When you are not needy, when you just do not have many wants, then most of what happens in life just does not bother you. 

Dh is an engineer. He has that clueless quality that some engineers have. Very into all things technical, not very emotional. He would drive you crazy, SA! 

But because I am emotional, I find his stability (some would call it boring!) grounding. I can count on him. I don't have to be afraid that I will overwhelm him in any way. 

I just could not be with somebody who was as reactive as I am. I would not want to feel like I had to hold up half the relationship, or it would cave in. I need to be able to lean on the other person. 

I feel like dh is the tree, and I am sitting in his branches.


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## SimplyAmorous

jld said:


> *Your husband seems sensitive, in the good way. He cares about people's feelings. He knows what might hurt, and he avoids that. Is that accurate?*


 Terribly accurate ...Yes!



> *About the going off on service people . . . would your husband not do this? He would just pay the bill, or whatever? But when you stand up, he appreciates it?*


 Oh he is happy I handle these things ...he doesn't want the hassle... he doesn't pay as close attention to details as I do, he doesn't ask as many questions....when he feels wronged, he will speak up...it kinda depends really, some things are NOT worth the hassle.. 

Very small example...a couple weeks ago at McDonalds , daughter ordered a fudge sundae, this worker only filled her cup like 1/3 of the way (I wasn't there to see this) & he let her know he wanted more in the cup....the lady argued a bit saying they were told to downside, he told her it's always been filled higher....even asking the boss in front of him...she told the Boss it melted in the cup (what a ridiculous thing to say)..the fact HE made a big deal out of his mouse's portion .... I so believe him, cause he really isn't one to make a fuss... Even daughter was going on about it.. Now when we go there, they point out the stingy "Sundae" lady -don't ask for ice cream if she is taking our order...



> *It has been a bit of an issue to me, over the years, that sometimes I feel like the kids are more important to him than I am.
> 
> That sounds so silly, doesn't it, from a mother? Selfish, even. But I need attention, too, and to feel like a priority*.


I don't think it's selfish at all, I'd feel the same....seriously.



> *Dh is an engineer. He has that clueless quality that some engineers have. Very into all things technical, not very emotional. He would drive you crazy, SA!*


 I do believe this !...the unique dynamics of individual couples is a fascinating thing! I don't think most men would be able to handle me either -I can be demanding in some areas...but he doesn't feel so. 



> But because I am emotional, I find his stability (some would call it boring!) grounding. I can count on him. I don't have to be afraid that I will overwhelm him in any way.


 If it works, it works.. I am as Logical as My husband, if not more so, he is a FEELER.. .I am caught inbetween Thinking and Feeling....but just being a woman, I certainly have my emotional moments !! 



> *Jld said:* *I feel like dh is the tree, and I am sitting in his branches.*


 Ha ha ...now that's one I never heard before !!


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## jld

SimplyAmorous said:


> I do believe this !...the unique dynamics of individual couples is a fascinating thing! I don't think most men would be able to handle me either -I can be demanding in some areas...but he doesn't feel so.


I think your husband lets you be yourself. That is how my dh is, too. He doesn't feel a need to control me, or shut me down in any way. He actually avoids that, because he knows that the shutting down can happen, if I feel scared. 

He enjoys who I am, and doesn't have a desire to change me. He certainly lets me know what he thinks about things, but doesn't have to control me or my expression to make himself feel safe. His security comes from within himself.

Your dh and mine have some things in common, and the above is part of that, I think.

When I read on the board that some men say, "I wouldn't allow that! I wouldn't accept that!" I wonder how their wives feel. Actually, whenever men post without their wives also posting, I wonder what their wives would say.

That is a real shortcoming here, I think, that we only hear one side.


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## ChargingCharlie

My wife and I get practically no break from the kids (both under 4). Grandparents are out of town and too old anyway (all in mid 80's, and two don't move around very well). Siblings are out of town, and I don't want the kids around her one sibling (total drama plus other stuff). Only break we get is when we go to work (dw will go out sometimes in evening, which is fine with me). We both could use a couple of days to have some time to ourselves, as I think having the kids around constantly causes some stress, as you never get a break.


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## Nina32

A few weeks ago my husband and I dropped our 4-year-old son at the baby sitter overnight and participated in a "food fight party" photo shoot event, organized by one of our friends who is a photographer. (The event raised money for local food pantries, so it was actually a pretty good cause). It was by far the most wild and crazy thing either of us have ever done. We threw pies at each other, smashed and smeared cakes, squirted ketchup and mustard and took turns dumping chocolate syrup, baked beans, Spaghetti-O's, and raw eggs over each others heads. We finished up by rolling and sliding around in cold mashed potatoes, jello and chocolate pudding. Everyone was totally covered from head to foot. 

As the day of the event approached, we were both nervous and hesitant, but it ended up being an experience we'll never forget. The chance to shed all adult responsibility for a few hours, and do things we would never ordinarily dream of doing, was totally liberating. The only downside is making sure we keep track of the pictures and video of the event. It's definitely not something we want our child to see.


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