# What time you have sex when you have kids?



## srvmatrix

We have two boys at 9 and 4 yr old and they are very active, playing until very late to 12 p.m. We come home late having dinner normally finished at 8~9 pm so it's hard to force them go to bed earlier too.

My wife and I find it exhausted to have private time together, they even do like to play things in our bed room...

Most of the time, after a long day working, my wife just falls into sleep in seconds.

It's the old days where romantic environment exists, and a few year later when they grow, we are too old


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## YupItsMe

Your system sucks, you have no boundaries and are devoid of creativity. 

Establish your bedroom as a private room. Get the kids up earlier so they are tired sooner, watch their diet so they dont have a sugar high until midnight, hire a sitter for some alone time, find activities that keep them busy and starts them winding down, stop being helpless and use your head.


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## Tigger

I think you have more problems than when to have sex.

First off, come home earlier. If your family is your first priority, you will do that.

Get dinner done earlier and the kids in bed by 8pm.
If you can't get home earlier, have whomever is watching them give them dinner at 5pm.

Start quieting things down around 7pm so they are ready for bed at 8pm.

How are the kids supposed to perform well at school when they aren't in bed until midnight?

Be the parents and establish a constant routine and you will have less stress.


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## Coffee Amore

Your problem is the family schedule. You need to rework the family schedule so that your children have reasonable sleep hours. Sleeping at midnight is bad for even working adults but growing children who need their rest? Not a good idea. They're likely to be tired in school if it's a regular pattern for them. Your children should ideally be in bed around 9:00 pm or even 8:30 pm. 

When I first got pregnant, one of my husband's colleagues, a much older woman who was a grandma, told him that he should make sure to have a set bedtime for the children and make sure that bedtime allowed us at least one hour together uninterrupted each evening. So that's what we did. I suppose I'm lucky that sleep wasn't ever an issue for us. I raise champion sleepers. We don't have a problem finding time for us because by the time 9 pm rolls around, it's just the two of us who are still awake.


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## Mavash.

When do you get home from work? Why are you eating dinner so late?

I agree with everyone else it's your schedule that's causing the problem. I have 3 kids and they are all in bed by 8-10. The older 2 can entertain themselves during our 'adult time' which is after 9pm. We have an hour of kid free time every evening before we go to bed.


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## Shaggy

Kids need sleep. They should not be up that late at all. At that age bedtime should start about 7 and in bed by 8-8:30
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

You need to change your schedule. The children are in bed far too late. They should be in bed by 8pm really. If they're not going to bed until 12 pm they are not getting enough sleep for school the next day. That means they will have less concerntration and it will effect their behaviour, it could also make them hyperactive.

So take a look at your family routine and try and get them to bed earlier. Post us your routine if you like and we can take a look.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## srvmatrix

Yes the system sucks and really needs fixed. In week days I wake up at 7 then bring the elder brother to school, get back and bring the little one to kindergarten (different places) at 8. They are both having breakfast there.

Our maid will get them back at 4~5 pm but 3 times per week the elder has supplemental subjects at school so he's back at around 6pm... They can have little snacks then because we can't find other appropriate time...

Due to the work loads my wife get back around 6:30~7 and I am about 7:30 so we have dinner then. We have tried to have the kids to eat dinner before us sometimes but our maid finds it's very difficult to force the kids... they are difficult to eat and our presence is a big help.

In weekend even worse, wake up late at 9~10 am, take naps late and stay even later... 

There's not much public kid's activities here mostly video game centers, riding toys or coloring statue etc but all need us to follow to look after. There is no playground that we can leave them.

At home they can play with each other lego, drawing, watching TV sometimes fighting hard, very active at night. Tried put them in bed at 10 pm a few times but as you know it's the habit then they keep talking to us until we are all tired and fall into sleep at midnight. The little one is still sharing bed with us, he is so timid.


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## Tigger

What do you both do that you are working 12 hour days? Really, it sounds like you need a lifestyle change.


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## Wiltshireman

As above,
Sort out your kid’s bedtime routine, if they have school etc the next day they should be in bed by 8pm at the latest; if no school (weekend / holiday) let them stay up until say 8:30 pm. This will give you some adult only time. 
For little ones make lunch at least 2 hours before bed to allow time for it to be digested before bath / shower and sleep.
BTW My teenage daughters (16 & 17) still have a set bedtime (9:30 pm on a school night 10:30 pm other) but they decide what time they go to sleep.
N.B. we do all stay up late but together but only on special occasions, make it a treat.


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## StargateFan

It can be rough adjusting schedules but children will adapt. "Resistance is Futile" against Mommy and Daddy Borg. 

Melatonin helps my little one a lot. 15 -30 minutes of reading time really helps settle them down. In my house getting up and bugging Mommy and Daddy is a serous offense resulting in the loss of ALL video privileges the next day. If they can't fall asleep they have plenty of books to read. Hungry have a banana. "Tummy hurts" 2 minutes cuddle then back to your bed. Some warm milk with vanilla creamer helps my oldest when he has problems once in a while. 

Consistency is key. If you say it, mean it. (Even if you are wrong)

No electronics in bed ever. Do not make that mistake. 

Never let sports take priority over sleep. 

Read the Ferber book. Locks on their door when they put up a real fight is not unreasonable. Just unlock it after they finally give in. When my youngest was 4 he learned I was serious and would beg me not to lock his door. I had permission from his pediatrician to do this. Get it first CYA. 

Kids need 10-11 hours of sleep each night. It is your responsibility to make sure they get it. Physical and cognitive growth will be stunted if they don't get it. My boys 7 and 10 are at the very top of their grades (not classroom entire grade) in reading and math and both have ADHD. I know correlation does not equal causation, but the teachers complain all the time about kids being tired in school, but not mine. 

Prepare meals for the week on the weekend and freeze if needed. Learn to use a crockpot. 

If it is a battle waking your kids up in the morning, they did not get enough sleep.


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## Wiltshireman

StargateFan said:


> "Resistance is Futile" against Mommy and Daddy Borg.


Love it and as long as they are on the same page on the script then so true.



StargateFan said:


> Consistency is key.


:iagree:Say what you think & do what you say. everyone knows where they stand then.



StargateFan said:


> No electronics in bed ever.


I wish I could apply that rule to myself darn work phone is never off (unless I am on leave) and with e-mail on push 
it can be hard to find some downtime.



StargateFan said:


> Learn to use a crockpot.


 Sorry you have got me there. What is a "crockpot"


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## Coffee Amore

srvmatrix said:


> Yes the system sucks and really needs fixed. In week days I wake up at 7 then bring the elder brother to school, get back and bring the little one to kindergarten (different places) at 8. They are both having breakfast there.
> 
> Our maid will get them back at 4~5 pm but 3 times per week the elder has supplemental subjects at school so he's back at around 6pm... They can have little snacks then because we can't find other appropriate time...
> 
> Due to the work loads my wife get back around 6:30~7 and I am about 7:30 so we have dinner then. We have tried to have the kids to eat dinner before us sometimes but our maid finds it's very difficult to force the kids... they are difficult to eat and our presence is a big help.
> 
> In weekend even worse, wake up late at 9~10 am, take naps late and stay even later...
> 
> There's not much public kid's activities here mostly video game centers, riding toys or coloring statue etc but all need us to follow to look after. There is no playground that we can leave them.
> 
> At home they can play with each other lego, drawing, watching TV sometimes fighting hard, very active at night. Tried put them in bed at 10 pm a few times but as you know it's the habit then they keep talking to us until we are all tired and fall into sleep at midnight. The little one is still sharing bed with us, he is so timid.


You have a maid so that means you have it even easier than the rest of us who have to come home, cook dinner, bathe the children, look over homework and still get them to bed by 8:30 pm all by ourselves.

Your problem is you and your wife. Surely others in your area or country who also have maids don't have children who sleep at midnight. How do they do it?

Do or do not, there is no try. You're not willing to commit to the difficult period where they will rebel, fuss, argue, whine when they have to sleep earlier. You are not your children's friend. You're their parent. If you can't get them to sleep at a decent hour now when they're little how will you stand up to them when puberty rolls around? 

If coming home earlier isn't an option for you then maybe your children have to eat dinner without you. That seems more reasonable than making them wait until you both return home. 

I understand bed sharing. We did that for several years. But we didn't have a problem even then getting the child to sleep at a reasonable hour. Even if they were sleeping in our bed, they still slept before 9 pm.


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## Wiltshireman

Coffee Amore said:


> I understand bed sharing. We did that for several years. But we didn't have a problem even then getting the child to sleep at a reasonable hour. Even if they were sleeping in our bed, they still slept before 9 pm.


We never did the kids in our bed thing, as babies ours were in the crib next to the bed so you could put your hand in to settle them down. Once they were big enough to go in their own bed / kids room (once they no longer needed night feeds) if they woke up upset or not feeling well then one of us (more often my wife as she is a light sleeper) would go and check on them / give them a cuddle in their own bed before returning to ours once they were settled.


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## StargateFan

crockpot: electric countertop slow roaster made of ceramic. You can put a chicken in it in the morning and it will be ready by dinner. Stews other roasts etc. Not my preferred method of cooking chicken, but is great for when you get home late from scouts, sports etc. Better for pork, beef but wife likes to do chickens in it. 

A big one. Make sure the maid is not giving them any caffeine after school.

To help ease the transition to an earlier bed time get permission from your pediatrician to give them a little Benadryl a couple hours before bed for a week or so.


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## anotherguy

We have morning sex, just about every other day I guess.

Fantastic way to wake up & start the day. It is impossible to get out of bed grouchy - even if we were not being that nice to each other the night before.


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## anotherguy

StargateFan said:


> ..To help ease the transition to an earlier bed time get permission from your pediatrician to give them a little Benadryl a couple hours before bed for a week or so.


That is a, frankly, stupid idea - even with 'permission'. Sorry.

No need to put your kids into a drug induced stupor.

That is so wrong on so many levels.


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## srvmatrix

Thanks for the inputs. That gives me stronger momentum to redesign our lifestyle. Looks like, you guys are so good at time management and come home early. My wife and I each has a small business to run so we start working like 8:30, 1 hr for lunch so that sounds like too much for a day...

I agree we need to cut it down somehow but it's work you know that can't happend in a day or two.

Right now I am eager to plan out the revolution of changing this  to reinforce kids to go bedding early...

Frankly, we don't want to loose connection with kids if we have too little time together, but I think that's the right direction to fix the things. Let's adjust a little by little?

I am thinking of getting the small one his own bed. My wife is always worry that he can't sleep alone since he might fall down or get cold out of his blanket...On the other note, the elder one would not want to share bed with him too, they play more and stay up harder.

The idea of being romantic at the morning sounds great  However on weekdays what time you wake up? We go to bed at midnight and have to escort kids to schools starting at 7 am


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## Mavash.

My first thought was you need to watch a few episodes of supernanny because your kids are running the house.

To answer your question I'm up at 6:30 on weekdays and there is no time for morning romance. Hubby has to be at work a little after 7am and I've got 3 kids to get ready for 3 different schools on my own.

How are you functioning staying up till midnight? We're ALL in bed by 10-10:30 on weekdays.


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## StargateFan

anotherguy said:


> That is a, frankly, stupid idea - even with 'permission'. Sorry.
> 
> No need to put your kids into a drug induced stupor.
> 
> That is so wrong on so many levels.


Small dose of Benedryl is not going to put them is some stupor. They obviously have issues with these kids and need some help. Their pediatrician can recommend other strategies. IMHO not getting enough sleep is far worse than that. 

I do agree that people who do that on a consistent basis are being lazy and neglectful parents.


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## anotherguy

StargateFan said:


> Small dose of Benedryl is not going to put them is some stupor. They obviously have issues with these kids and need some help. Their pediatrician can recommend other strategies. IMHO not getting enough sleep is far worse than that.
> 
> I do agree that people who do that on a consistent basis are being lazy and neglectful parents.


Shrug. Medicating your kids to sleep isnt really a strategy or solution to behavior poblems in any case - my opinion. 

As you said however, consistency is key. Get them on a bedtime routine and stick to it. Period. Kids actually sort of thrive on routine from what I have found. They should be in bed fra little while before lights out and can do what they like... read a book, listen to some light music...

I know adults frankly that struggle with TV and electronics and being distracted and eating and doing everything else except unwinding and settling in for a good, hard sleep - and having sleep problems. Anecdote for sure, but I think good sleep habits are something to take seriously even in kids - maybe especially in kids.


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## Jeradsjunk

Schedules are busy during the week so we have shorter sessions. Probably about 20 mins. We save the longer sessions for the weekend. 20 mins a couple times a week is great to re-reconnect.


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## sandc

anotherguy said:


> That is a, frankly, stupid idea - even with 'permission'. Sorry.
> 
> No need to put your kids into a drug induced stupor.
> 
> That is so wrong on so many levels.


You're right but... we've done that ourselves. Sometimes you just need them to rest. I'm not saying it was every night but 1 or 2 times a year, yeah. We did.


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## sandc

Here is what I would suggest. You have a maid. What are her work hours? Is she ever there on a Saturday? If so, have her take the kids to a movie or the park for a few hours. When the house is empty, have sex in every room and on every surface in every position imaginable. That should hold you over until the next Saturday.

Then have the maid clean every room and every surface.

Okay, that's an extreme example. However, you really should be able to leverage the maid to occupy the kids so you can spend time with your wife.


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## likeaboss

You need to establish a routine like everyone else here is saying. We try to have the kids bathed and in bed by 8. 

Sometimes that slips to 830ish but never beyond 9.


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## Tigger

anotherguy said:


> Shrug. Medicating your kids to sleep isnt really a strategy or solution to behavior poblems in any case - my opinion.


Yes this is just unbelievable people would deliberately medicate their kids like that. There is already enough drug problems as it is without adding to it.

Teach the kids how to self soothe and solve problems.

Problems aren't solved with pills.

I can understand the mentality over there as I recall visiting the US and being bombarded with drug ads on tv constantly.

Have a minor upset or ache, pop a pill.


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## Coffee Amore

Tigger said:


> Yes this is just unbelievable people would deliberately medicate their kids like that. There is already enough drug problems as it is without adding to it.
> 
> Teach the kids how to self soothe and solve problems.
> 
> Problems aren't solved with pills.
> 
> I can understand the mentality over there as I recall visiting the US and being bombarded with drug ads on tv constantly.
> 
> Have a minor upset or ache, pop a pill.


Actually it's easy to be judgmental about this and spout off easy solutions as if the parents never considered those, but unless you've walked in the shoes of the parents who have given Benadryl or other over the counter substances to get their children to sleep, you don't know what it's like. I haven't had to do so because I passed on my great sleep genes, but I know parents of children with special needs, especially autism, who _have _to give something at night to get even 5 hours of sleep. My one friend's autistic son has to take melatonin before he sleeps or he will only sleeps 2-3 hours a night. The parents are exhausted when they drag themselves to work. The melatonin helps their child and in turn, them. That said, I don't think the original poster's children, need Benadryl to sleep. They could benefit from a better family schedule.


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## srvmatrix

sandc said:


> Here is what I would suggest. You have a maid. What are her work hours? Is she ever there on a Saturday? If so, have her take the kids to a movie or the park for a few hours. When the house is empty, have sex in every room and on every surface in every position imaginable. That should hold you over until the next Saturday.
> 
> Then have the maid clean every room and every surface.
> 
> Okay, that's an extreme example. However, you really should be able to leverage the maid to occupy the kids so you can spend time with your wife.


She stays with us but we are not confident enough to let her bring our kids to public areas. We are afraid she can't handle the case that kids run to different direction and she can't get hold of both. We always escort kids to public with the utmost care ourselves.

Yes we are thinking about how to leverage her more efficiently and more ideas are welcome (within the house or in secured environment?).

We'd like not to put any pill on our kids too, would try to change their habit in natural ways.


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## Thewife

Firstly, the base of your problem is schedule and it had been this way for years so change is not going to be possible that soon especially with the 4 year old. 

You both are doing your own business so you should adjust your timing to come home a little earlier, you both don't have to be at home early, at least 1 of you or take turn

Have your maid give them light snacks like a few slices of fruits and water if they insist on snacks. Do not let them decide what to eat before dinner. 

Have a family meeting, tell your kids that you are changing dinner time and bed time. If possible type and paste the new schedule with pictures (for the 4 year old) at their play area. 

Stop naps if any, I don't think nap is a must at this age. Get your 4 year old his own bed (something cute that he likes) tell him that he is a big boy and he is no longer allowed to sleep in your bed. He will insist on sleeping with you, cry, scream whatever but don't give in, be calm and may be stay with him until he falls asleep for a while then go back to your room, if he comes back to your room at night do not be lazy bring him back to his room (be calm and don't talk), this may seem very difficult and you will feel like giving up and just getting him on your bed but stay strong and you will never regret it. If you are lucky he may just be glad to have his own bed. 

Please tell them that your bedroom is NOT a playroom and its no longer allowed. 

Have a simple bed time routine and stick to it, if you compromise they will bargain so don't. 

I don't know what kind of discipline strategy you use at home but you need some consequences if they do not follow through and have to follow up on it. 

Going to bed at 12 midnight???? and going to school in the morning??? This is not good for the kids and worst for your relationship. You need to intervene asap.

I also have very active boys (all kids are) and one of them hates to sleep and he tried every trick in the world to push his bed time to later since he turned 4 but I did not give up and now he is 6 years old and kisses me good night by 7.45pm and wakes up at 6.30am sufficient sleep and no need for nap. There has been a couple of times he simply refused to go to bed until 10pm and the consequence was he lost is favourite lego toys that weekend and it sent a strong message who is in-charge. 

I would have gone nuts if my kids stayed up that late....the evening are my winding down time, romance and date nights. 

All the best.


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## Thewife

As for your maid, if you don't trust her to keep them safe then don't send them with her unless you train her. Do they listen to her when you are around? if they don't then you should start to empower her. 

Oh if they can't start going to bed at 8 straight away start with 10pm for 2 days, 9 pm for 3 days and then slowly reduce 15 mins each day.....but your 9 year old should be able to if he says he can't write down this new schedule and tell him the goal is 8pm. For your 4 year old, don't talk about timing just tell its bed time


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## 28down

Kids need boundaries, change bedtime gradually, you want alone time, you will change the bedtime!


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