# Unmotivated to provide financially



## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

Hello all. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, persons in similar situations (currently or in the past) or just to vent...I guess a mix of all 3! My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and together for 3. When I first met my husband we clicked and had great chemistry but he had a lot of problems, such as unstable employment and heavy drinking. I helped to get him a steady job 3 years ago and it was with the understanding (or so I thought...) that it was temporary. The position is very low paying (less than 12.00/hr). Although it does have health benefits, paid time off and the luxury of working from home. It's also nice for us to have similar schedules. One day a week he also does an odd job but he's recently lost clientele and when we did the math he's basically only making a profit of about 30.00 a week doing that side job. We live in a one bedroom apartment and always have. It's pretty cramped and our "dining room" is just an accumulation of stuff we don't have room for elsewhere. He has his Masters degree. I work an "okay" low paying position (more than 12.00/hr, less than 20.00/hr) with similar benefits. I am currently in school full time with a goal of obtaining my Masters degree but I'm not close yet. I still have not entered my senior year of my Bachelors degree. I've looked at similar positions, but there's really not much else out there for me that's better than my current job. For my husband, this is the complete opposite. With his degree, he could literally be making 20,000 more dollars a year. It would be a somewhat stressful job in the education field. However, he'd be working less hours and as I pointed out making so much more money. He had been reluctant to pursue a career in that field but recently put out some applications. The first place to call him back, he aced his interview, got a verbal offer and was going to take the job, however, it didn't end up working out and the offer was retracted. Since then, he's made absolutely no effort to apply for any other similar positions or similar paying positions, even though there are several openings available as we speak he could apply to. He has started saying things like he is no longer interested in doing that and that he wishes I would be happy with where he is "right now". It is very disappointing because when we thought the previous opportunity was going to happen, I was looking at houses, and when playing with the budget I saw how much was possible including vacations and maybe even kids. As of right now though, we have about 5k to our name, 1 car that's old (2003), and paying for a vacation is a joke. Some of his bills his parents still pay, such as his personal cell phone, car insurance and student loans. If we had an emergency, we'd have to ask them for help. How can I be okay with that being where we are "right now"? I feel like a hypocrite in some ways because I myself can't provide more than the lifestyle we have right now, so who am I to expect more from him? But it's extremely frustrating that he has the ability to provide more (so much more...20k more!!) and he feels no motivation to be that provider, to give us a better life, to give us financial security, to be financially independent from his parents. It's like none of that matters to him or at least doesn't matter enough to quit his easy, low responsibility work from job. I feel stressed from the lack of money, frustrated that he won't do anything about it and also worried about the future. Will it always be this way? When I finally graduate and get a decent paying job is he just going to ride my coattails? I feel like I am giving 100 % and he is only giving 50 % if that when it comes to our finances. Apart from this, he is a good guy, he stopped drinking, it's been almost 6 months now (we both are sober), he cooks for me, he helps clean, gives me massages and is affectionate. However he is also not a go getter in the sense that he never plans dates or puts effort into buying gifts, or doing any romantic gestures that require planning. If it doesn't require planning, then he's game. If I even mention a calendar, he blows up. It's like he doesn't wanna grow up. And if anything he almost makes fun of me for being "so ready to join the rat race". I'm 28 years old and he's 31. Is it so wrong to be resentful that he isn't contributing as much as he could? How should I react to this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did the one job that he got an offer for fall through? Is there a reason that he would have trouble getting a similar job?


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

Yes it was an old misdemeanor charge. We didn't research that district beforehand assuming it wouldn't matter because according to state and federal law it doesn't. However districts apparently vary on what they auto disqualify for. We know for a fact however there are other districts that specifically state they don't auto disqualify for that charge, they'd "review it". So yes there's a chance he could be denied again but there's also the chance he may not pass the interview. Possibly not getting the job is a risk everybody takes when applying. That shouldn't prevent him from trying and the fact that he doesn't want to try is so upsetting and repelling.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

What was he charged with and if he was only "charged" then why would it still be on his record?

As far as "will it always be this way" the answer is "yes" until you either 1- realize he's never going to be anything and you decide to opt out of the relationship or 2- stick it out until you get your masters and a better paying job and accept that you'll be the breadwinner for the duration of the relationship.


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## JrzyGrl (Sep 1, 2016)

You have to accept him as he is now or move on. If you stay you'll grow to resent him and you'll outgrow the relationship. You clearly want more out of life and he's fine just scraping by.


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

What blows me away: at the age of 31, his parents pay for some of his bills including his student loans and auto insurance. Clearly, his parents have raised someone who is still a child in some ways. As long as his parents keep paying for some of his responsibilities, he will likely remain effete. 

I think little of men (boys) like this. If you were just dating, I would have him live on his own until he grows up. As you are already married, however, focus on his good qualities and, in a loving way, give him confidence and encouragement to work toward a specific goal. 

Guard your feelings toward him and be open, if you can. You don't need resentment to grow, especially as you work hard to go through school. What happens when you end up meeting more interesting, driven men as you are certain to do either during school or a future job?


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

I don't know. My future seems so uncertain being married to somebody with no ambition.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ok. Three years ago you met someone who "had problems" that included heavy drinking, and unstable employment. And parents who still pay his bills when he was in his late 20s.

Why on earth did you marry this person?


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

It is complicated and I don't want to justify marrying him. I loved him and still do.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

MaruMomo88 said:


> It is complicated and I don't want to justify marrying him. I loved him and still do.



I understand you love him, but that love will degrade to resentment.

If he does keep his job and you become the breadwinner, will he be more of the stay-at-home dad? How will he be as a role model? Can you rely on him? Can you be okay with that facet of his personality, his lack of motivation?

You are at an impasse of what you want him to be and how to behave to who he really is. You cannot mold him and can you love him enough without resenting him in the future to build the type of life you want together?

If the situation for children is not possible with him, would you stay? The fact is, you can replace whom you love as a partner but you cannot replace your wants and needs in a relationship. If you choose him currently, you cannot choose yourself and your goals because they are at odds. That is simple fact and logic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot make him do anything.

You cannot change him.

The only person who you can change is yourself. So put your focus on yourself. You can change your dynamics with him.


How percentage of your joint bills do you pay?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Stopped reading when you said you *helped *him find a job. Good luck, you will need it.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Ugh. You married a low ambition man. You're putting everything on hold simply because he's lazy and won't even try to reach his potential. You're going to continue to resent the heck out of him, and it will only get worse as you reach your potential. The gap will widen and you will steadily lose respect for him. You're at a crossroads here where you need to communicate that this cannot continue. Either he kicks it into gear or you move on. After the conversation give him 3-6 months to find a better job and up to a year to work towards complete independence from mommy and daddy (or whatever timeline you think is acceptable). If he drags his feet, and doesn't do it, then you'll have to be prepared to make good on your word. 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MaruMomo88 said:


> Yes it was an old misdemeanor charge. We didn't research that district beforehand assuming it wouldn't matter because according to state and federal law it doesn't. However districts apparently vary on what they auto disqualify for. We know for a fact however there are other districts that specifically state they don't auto disqualify for that charge, they'd "review it". So yes there's a chance he could be denied again but there's also the chance he may not pass the interview. Possibly not getting the job is a risk everybody takes when applying. That shouldn't prevent him from trying and the fact that he doesn't want to try is so upsetting and repelling.


That's exactly what I figured - that he had a black mark on his record that disqualified him for employment. 

It's hard to believe he's being such a drama queen about applying elsewhere just because he'll have to deal with his past. Holy crap - he's 31 and his parents _*still*_ pay for his cell phone and his car insurance? What's wrong with those people? No wonder he has no ambition and no drive. Over-indulgent fools like his parents have taught him to think he doesn't have to do a damned thing in life because they'll hand him anything he wants.

But the time comes when he has to put on his big boy pants and stop expecting mommy and daddy to chew his food for him. How utterly unattractive.

I have the feeling you'll be supporting this man-child many years in the future and probably until the day you die if you stay with him.

I have to agree with MrsHolland. When you had to light a fire under his ass just to get him to get a menial job 3 years ago, that said it ALL.

That's when you should have run.


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

Well I didn't run. I got married to him lol and telling me I should have run and what was I thinking does not change anything or provide any useful advice... it's just insulting. Nobody is perfect. At least he IS employed, and isn't a "spender", doesn't abuse me, doesn't cheat, isn't drinking, and is home every night with me. He IS a good man. He is just really lacking motivation to let go of his comfortable entry level job. I've read many posts in this forum last night and I'm kind of surprised at the lack of response praising him for at least being employed, for having his Masters degree and for helping around the house even though he does work 40+ hours with his low paying job and his private lessons. He is trying somewhat but he is not fulfilling his potential. I wouldn't call his parents fools but I do think they enable his behavior by paying his bills...that's obvious. He has mentioned how he doesn't want them paying for it but then he doesn't really take the steps to make it happen. Just like he mentions going on trips, or moving into a house or other adventures that require more cash flow. I also find it interesting how nobody seems to defend his right to choose his own employment... at least that's his defense... so it's interesting nobody else came to his conclusion. I do think he should choose his employment with our family in mind. Then again, I don't want to feel like I'm running somebody's life. I think the fact that he does have his Masters degree does mean he has potential and does mean he can stick through something and complete it. He was the graduate assistant and he has many other accomplishments associated with his field. But I'm not sure what's going on with him now or why he seems to be so complacent. When I first met him and he was "down"/had problems, its because he was going through a nasty divorce (they were together since they were teens, married for 8 years). So that is why I figured he'd "come out of it" and I said in many ways he has. Basically the ONLY thing "wrong" with him is this job thing... which is not that he's unemployed, he actually has 2 jobs, but rather that he doesn't want to take the job with more responsibility for more money when we obviously need that money to accomplish our goals. What's more confusing is that he's specifically not interested in it "right now"... even though he was 2 weeks ago when he applied for the job and then was denied at the last stage. It's just discouraging that he seems to have done a 180 on the job interest and now seems no longer open to the higher paying job.  I feel crushed like I don't know how to "go back" to not thinking about having that lifestyle and how he could provide it so easily. And how or why he expects me to be able to. Especially now that we've seen he IS qualified for that position, he CAN ace the interview and we just need to be more selective with the district he applies to. It's like all that is missing is for him to simply TRY but now he no longer wants to even though we were just discussing recently how low our funds are.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He absolutely has the right to choose his own employment and to fail to live up to his potential while letting his parents pay his bills. That doesn't mean you should stay with him, though.

There are men who don't lie, cheat, steal, or abuse their spouses AND manage to work a full time job that pays a salary commensurate with their level of education and training. 

The real question is what kind of life do you want and can you have that life with this man? If the answer is no, then you will need to make a choice.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MaruMomo88 said:


> Well I didn't run. I got married to him lol and telling me I should have run and what was I thinking does not change anything or provide any useful advice... it's just insulting.


There's a lot of that useless and insulting "what you should have done" advice on this forum. Just ignore it. 



MaruMomo88 said:


> He IS a good man. He is just really lacking motivation to let go of his comfortable entry level job..


I ask you again what what was he charge/convicted of? A person's criminal record can say a lot about how good they are which is of course why potential employers sometimes pull the plug when they discover one.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Answer this one question. Do you like being married to a little boy? If the answer is yes, be happy with what you have, stop complaining, ask your in-laws for a loan to finish your education and become the sole breadwinner. If the answer is no, file for divorce. (I suspect you will eventually) Sorry, there is no door number three. This is who he is.


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

I don't feel comfortable identifying that much information, but it was non-theft, non-violent misdemeanor that is over 8 years old, no charges or infractions of any kind since then and it was disclosed on his application. They offered him the job, it's the board who denied it.


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

I guess I just find it kind of hard to swallow that everybody is just saying "this is who he is"... if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?" And why do people really believe that others can't improve ever? Nobody has ever turned their life around on this forum? I used to be an obese smoker with no education, goals or ambition. Now I'm at a healthy weight, I workout 6 days a week, I made salary at my job (even though it's not a high salary), don't smoke and I am going to college. I bet a lot of people would have considered me a "loser who would never change" back then too, in fact some people even told me just that, but they were wrong. He's obviously capable of change if he's quit drinking and did apply for some jobs and follow through, even if he stopped applying now after having the recent offer retracted. It's the sudden brake on things that's upsetting me. It is confusing and hurtful. I don't understand why he isn't brushing himself off and getting back on the horse when he knows it could make such a big difference in our quality of life.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MaruMomo88 said:


> I don't feel comfortable identifying that much information, but it was non-theft, non-violent misdemeanor that is over 8 years old, no charges or infractions of any kind since then


Its anonymous here and it tells us about his character.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaruMomo88 said:


> I don't feel comfortable identifying that much information, but it was non-theft, non-violent misdemeanor that is over 8 years old, no charges or infractions of any kind since then and it was disclosed on his application. They offered him the job, it's the board who denied it.


Why did the board deny it?

Keep in mind that you are anonymous here. We have no idea who you are or where you live.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MaruMomo88 said:


> I guess I just find it kind of hard to swallow that everybody is just saying "this is who he is"... if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?" And why do people really believe that others can't improve ever? Nobody has ever turned their life around on this forum? I used to be an obese smoker with no education, goals or ambition. Now I'm at a healthy weight, I workout 6 days a week, I made salary at my job (even though it's not a high salary), don't smoke and I am going to college. I bet a lot of people would have considered me a "loser who would never change" back then too, in fact some people even told me just that, but they were wrong. He's obviously capable of change if he's quit drinking and did apply for some jobs and follow through, even if he stopped applying now after having the recent offer retracted. It's the sudden brake on things that's upsetting me. It is confusing and hurtful. I don't understand why he isn't brushing himself off and getting back on the horse when he knows it could make such a big difference in our quality of life.


It is not that we do not believe that people can change. It's that a person only changes when they want to change.

You cannot make him change. You might be able to inspire him to change. But you would need to guess the magic formula to do that. 

People usually only change when they are uncomfortable and/or stand to lose something important to them. As long as the status quo continues, he has no reason to change. Change is painful. It takes a lot of effort and focus. What in the current situation would motivate him to change?


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

Because every district is different and this particular district has an automatic "no" policy on that particular charge, although many districts do not have that same policy.


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## MaruMomo88 (Nov 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It is not that we do not believe that people can change. It's that a person only changes when they want to change.
> 
> You cannot make him change. You might be able to inspire him to change. But you would need to guess the magic formula to do that.
> 
> People usually only change when they are uncomfortable and/or stand to lose something important to them. As long as the status quo continues, he has no reason to change. Change is painful. It takes a lot of effort and focus. What in the current situation would motivate him to change?


I have no idea to be honest. He knows we don't have a lot of money. I just discussed with him this afternoon more ways we'll need to cut expenses. He mentioned he is going to think of ways to make more money but also clearly states he is not interested in that specific position anymore with the 20k raise. I guess not being able to pay our bills anymore would force him to make more money. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd take that job. He threw out the idea of teaching more private one on one lessons... but he'd just be working more, for not that much more profit... I don't understand why he'd rather work more and see less benefit. He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically. His degree is in performance, but the performance life sucks and he knows that now, education isn't his "love" for a career, although he's good at it and has experience with his private lessons and really, besides performance, it's the only logical job in his field. And to answer the bills question, I contribute roughly 250.00 more per month currently than he does. (Not counting my student loan refunds which are saved in my private account or only used for something I may need for school, not for our bills. I have used it for bills in the past but do not plan on doing so in the future).


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

MaruMomo88 said:


> I have no idea to be honest. He knows we don't have a lot of money. I just discussed with him this afternoon more ways we'll need to cut expenses. He mentioned he is going to think of ways to make more money but also clearly states he is not interested in that specific position anymore with the 20k raise. I guess not being able to pay our bills anymore would force him to make more money. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd take that job. He threw out the idea of teaching more private one on one lessons... but he'd just be working more, for not that much more profit... I don't understand why he'd rather work more and see less benefit. He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically. His degree is in performance, but the performance life sucks and he knows that now, education isn't his "love" for a career, although he's good at it and has experience with his private lessons and really, besides performance, it's the only logical job in his field. And to answer the bills question, I contribute roughly 250.00 more per month currently than he does. (Not counting my student loan refunds which are saved in my private account or only used for something I may need for school, not for our bills. I have used it for bills in the past but do not plan on doing so in the future).




The problem isn't that he's making less money than he could. It isn't that he's not living up to his potential. The problem as I see it is in you. You see the effort you're putting in, the various ways you are improving yourself and growing. And his effort is just not equitable. He's coasting when you are firing on all cylinders. And his parent mooching, underemployed ass is just not very attractive to someone on the rise. It was acceptable, but not any longer. You've changed and he didn't grow with you. He may never. Can you live with that and still respect him? Or will that slowly undermine your attraction to him over time? 

My thoughts are that his parents will continue to subsidize your lifestyle until you increase your earnings. And he will be fine with that. Will you? People can change - you are a good example with your education and weight loss. But most people need a catalyst of energizing discomfort. If you want change, you will most likely have to be the agent. Your method is destabilization of the relationship. It's the fairer thing to do - a heads up - rather than walking out suddenly at your breaking point. He needs to understand just how serious this is and that if things continue as is that you will need to end the marriage. You need a partner, not a dependent. 


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Again, you want a certain outcome and you prove it through your actions and all he has is talk and you believe it. When action and talking does not align, his words become meaningless if he wants them to be true or not. He may want a house, but it is not enough to aim for. He may want children, but it is not enough to work for. He may be simply dragging you along and telling you what you want to hear as well as those actions also match with him doing nothing to reach his goals. He may simply be waiting for you to do all the work and when you have a career, then those things may be probable.

Plus, in terms of human behavior, one does not tend to change until there is enough feelings of discomfort as Ele stated for one to change. A person may be obese and they may change when the doctor tells them that they are at risk for diabetes, or when they have diabetes, a heart attack, whatever the consequences that are necessary to change. You do not know the level of discomfort it will take for him to change and the same actions tend to net the same results. Whatever you are currently doing, it is nearly improbable that it will work. It is like you are using a screwdriver to pound a nail and you find the results tedious. Imagine using a hammer instead but in this case, you do not know what stimulus to apply to alter what you want. He wants things, but does not want to work for it. Either he really does not or he would rather have someone else do it for him.

Either you have to accept that you will not have a nice home, vacations around the world, have children later in life or not at all,in order to stay married to him. You are the one making assumptions of him changing while I can make a prediction of what the outcome is so far. Everyday that goes by, my predictions are true based on prior behavior. When life throws him obstacles, he quits. He does not want his parents paying his bills you say, well he just accepted it and quit. He wants nice things, well he just gave up once one thing did not go well for him.

So, if you want to stay with him, you either accept him as he is and work towards those things on your own while he shares in your success. Hopefully he does not resent you and vice versa. If you really want children, home and traveling and and such, you have to take him out of that equation or make him a smaller variable. You have to make x amount more to cover what you want. If he makes 20k a year, you may have to make 50k a year to be comfortable. If you want children, you may have to wait until your mid-thirties and assume he is not just stringing you along without a real goal of children. If you have also read those posts, that has happened before and some people on here went childless because their partner strung them along. Oh, they did not cheat, steal and such either.

It is better to make plans on the assumption he will not change as you have years to back up that assumption. I can guess the sun will rise everyday because it has so far based on a pattern. Extreme example I know. I can assume that I am in great health because I take care of my health. Until I stop working out and eating junk food, then I can stop making that assumption. Your husband is the same in his disposition, behavior, so I can assume he is all talk at the moment.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Now THIS is a great post.

And I like that you helped him stop drinking. 

I do not however, believe you can give someone else ambition.




MaruMomo88 said:


> I guess I just find it kind of hard to swallow that everybody is just saying "this is who he is"... if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?" And why do people really believe that others can't improve ever? Nobody has ever turned their life around on this forum? I used to be an obese smoker with no education, goals or ambition. Now I'm at a healthy weight, I workout 6 days a week, I made salary at my job (even though it's not a high salary), don't smoke and I am going to college. I bet a lot of people would have considered me a "loser who would never change" back then too, in fact some people even told me just that, but they were wrong. He's obviously capable of change if he's quit drinking and did apply for some jobs and follow through, even if he stopped applying now after having the recent offer retracted. It's the sudden brake on things that's upsetting me. It is confusing and hurtful. I don't understand why he isn't brushing himself off and getting back on the horse when he knows it could make such a big difference in our quality of life.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MaruMomo88 said:


> I have no idea to be honest. He knows we don't have a lot of money. I just discussed with him this afternoon more ways we'll need to cut expenses. He mentioned he is going to think of ways to make more money but also clearly states he is not interested in that specific position anymore with the 20k raise. I guess not being able to pay our bills anymore would force him to make more money. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'd take that job. He threw out the idea of teaching more private one on one lessons... but he'd just be working more, for not that much more profit... I don't understand why he'd rather work more and see less benefit. He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically. His degree is in performance, but the performance life sucks and he knows that now, education isn't his "love" for a career, although he's good at it and has experience with his private lessons and really, besides performance, it's the only logical job in his field. And to answer the bills question, I contribute roughly 250.00 more per month currently than he does. (Not counting my student loan refunds which are saved in my private account or only used for something I may need for school, not for our bills. I have used it for bills in the past but do not plan on doing so in the future).


It's easy to figure out. He doesn't want to work a job as someone else's employee. He is not very concerned about the money because his parents are paying some of the bills and you have a stable job. He is simply lazy and immature. I'd wonder if he knew the district would reject him and the whole application, interview, and enthusiasm were faked for your benefit so you'd stop harassing him about all those pesky real life adult responsibilities like bills.

This is who he is. It really is. The man is over 30 years old! If he was going to become ambitious, he'd have done it by now. 

Sure, he could change. But why would he want to?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MaruMomo88 said:


> What's more confusing is that he's specifically not interested in it "right now"... even though he was 2 weeks ago when he applied for the job and then was denied at the last stage. It's just discouraging that he seems to have done a 180 on the job interest and now seems no longer open to the higher paying job.





MaruMomo88 said:


> if he was applying for jobs a few weeks ago, excited and doing what he needed to and now suddenly has 0 interest... why is that "who he is?"





MaruMomo88 said:


> He says "he doesn't feel like managing a classroom.."...yet he accepted the offer for that position only 2 weeks ago and the only reason he's not currently employed in that position is because they retracted? It just makes no sense. Its like he is almost relieved it didn't workout because maybe midway through he realized it's not what he really wanted? But then he goes back and forth and mentions plans of doing it again "because it might be something he wants to do in the future". It's like he can't make up his mind basically.


This is called cognitive dissonance. He didn't get the job when he had pinned big hopes on it. So to protect his ego and make himself feel better about losing the opportunity, he has convinced himself he didn't want it in the first place. And if he didn't really want it in the first place, to be internally consistent, he has to continue to not want something similar in the future. Hence, not applying to similar jobs.

I'd give it some time, for him to become more emotionally distant from the loss, and then encourage him not to apply for more similar jobs, but to brainstorm more ways to improve things.

Alternatively, you said he's not much of a planner, and planning is certainly an important aspect of teaching. Maybe his initial enthusiasm was the faked part, and he's secretly relieved he didn't get the job but doesn't know how to tell you.


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