# Confused - Grandma/Granddaughter Issue



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

My oldest turns 18 in a few weeks and she has lived at my mother’s house since she was 12. Lot’s of drama between then and now, but things are calm currently.

My mother is in her 60’s, and it’s taken a lot for me to understand that she is who she is and there really is no point in trying to get her to see a different side to things that she’s pretty set on, in a certain way. 

My daughter has had a rough go with my mom over certain issues and I’ve been there for my daughter, I have stepped between her and my mother on a few occasions to try and help my daughter, but each time I did that, my mother comes back with a better “offer” and off my daughter goes, back to gma’s house. And the relationship with my mother is strained once again. The last time was the straw that broke the camel’s back because financially we over extended ourselves to have my daughter come live with us because things were “awful at gma’s”, only to be met with “I’m going back to grandmas”, in three short months of her living with us. 

I like the relationship I have with my mother right now… It’s taken a lot of work for all of us to get to where we are today emotionally. 

I know what my daughter is facing with my mom for the next 4 years (I went through it too and my mother bought her a truck recently in return for my daughter agreeing to remain at the home during college)… My mom doesn’t know anything about healthy romantic relationships, yet she is trying to tell my daughter what to do and she’s bribing her or taking things from her. For instance, she got mad yesterday because my D wanted to bring an ex with her to meet us and see the babies. She told her that the truck she just got her was going to be sold and my D is on her own. This ex, my D has known him since she was 12, they dated for several years, he was her first, etc… I know they can be friends, and I think that’s healthy, but my mom thinks they want to get back together --- so she’s flying off the deep end.

I don’t know what to tell her, I don’t know how to help her. I’ve let her know I’m here for her always, but I can’t go to battle against her gma anymore and I can’t financially give her the things gma is giving her – Never have been able to. 

Sorry this is so long, but it’s confusing and I’d like some thoughts on this because I don’t know what to do here…. Maybe I’m wrong with all of this and I should stay out? But I want to be here for my daughter and I want her to know that. I did tell her that I went through a lot of the same things with my mom, so I can at least relate, but I don’t know what else to do… My mom is bribing her to get/stay in college and that’s what she did for me… And approaching 40, I really am thankful she did some of the stuff she did to keep me there. 

I’m just confused and don’t know how to approach this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

All you can do is support her. Your daughter needs to learn to state her boundaries w/ grandma.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> All you can do is support her. Your daughter needs to learn to state her boundaries w/ grandma.


Thanks, that's what I was discussing with my H too... I guess with her being 18 now, and her choice to stay with my mom basically since she was 12, all I can do is be here for emotional support. 

You know, it's not too terribly bad of a situation, but my daughter does need to learn boundaries with her gma. I think if she wants to be friends with a boy, she shouldn't lose her truck over it though... This boy never did anything bad to my daughter, it was just your normal everyday teenage relationship.... But my mom thinks he's lazy and rude, so she's using the truck as bait. Ugh. I thought my mom might soften up as she aged :rofl: not a chance I guess

Thanks again for your thoughts!


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