# My Husband and Online Dating



## LadyCatie (Dec 11, 2012)

Hello!

I recently took a look at my computer's Internet history and was surprised to see a website called "Hot or Not" pop up numerous times at very late (early) times (1:00 am- 3:00 am). After clicking on the link I was directed to a profile page featuring my husband! It had several photo's of him and in the tag line it read "wants to meet women between the ages of 21 and 40 near _______ (where we live)" and in the interest sections it had "sex in the city" and "sex on the beach." After poking around the page a bit I learned that it had a chat where my husband had attempted to contact several women, only one had replied and only pleasantries had been exchanged. This was about a week ago. I did not say anything to him and did not change anything on the page. Today I checked the history again and found more of the same from last night, only now he has rated over 90 women in our area! Additionally, he has added Yahoo Messenger to our computer and his only contact (still pending) is a woman I don't know, who in her photo is obviously trying to be alluring.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do here. We have been married for less than two years and dated three years prior to getting married. I have never thought that he has cheated on me. However, when we first dated there was an issue with him having inappropriate conversations with girls on facebook. Basically, I feel as though this is a dangerous route that could lead to cheating and even if it did not, I am uncomfortable with the idea of him having online "relationships" with real women. Thoughts?


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I have been married for 23 years and if I had ever found something like that you better bet he would know it.  I would confront him about it. I would also be willing to go to marriage counseling with him, well to be honest I would insist on it. If you let it go until he ends up actually cheating it will be harder for you to ever get over. Others might not agree, but I have always let my husband know exactly how I feel, and there is no way I could keep that in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've been through this. Right now he can say that he was wrong but only looking cause he was crious that this garbage even exists.. or some other stupid excuse.

Put a keylogger on the computer.. one that sends reports to an email or to a website. This way you can watch what he's doing from afar.

Once your have more solid info confront with it. He's going pretty fast here so only a few days of data should be enough. And do not divulge yoru source of info. He'll just go underground with it.

Also, before you confront know what you what.. divorce? recovery? If it's recovery what do you expect him to do?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

d4life said:


> I have been married for 23 years and if I had ever found something like that you better bet he would know it.  I would confront him about it.


You might confront your husband but it would be a bad move.

Not enough to go on he'll just say he was having some fun and sorry and he won't do it again and then he'll just be more careful and cover his tracks. 

His actions need to be monitored until it's obvious he's having or about to have an affair and then it's time for the divorce lawyer.

No need to confront him nothing needs to be proven you both know the truth and the fact is you're married 2 years and he's looking to meet other women.

Things won't be be better in 10 years if you stick it out that's for sure.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree that you need to install a keylogger and monitor what he's doing. I'd also check his cellphone, because for all you know he might have already exchanged numbers with some of these women.

Quite frankly, though, on a 2 year marriage? I would be gone.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with everyone above. This marriage is not looking good at all. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The shock must be unspeakable. No matter what your husband says when you eventually do confront him, you know the truth. If he's so quick to cheat or look after 2 years, surely he'd have no qualms after 5,10,20 years. You should still be in your honeymoon phase.

In this thread and others, I wonder why it's so important to install tracking devices in cars, computers, phones, etc. If you know the truth, why do you need to prove to the cheater that he did, in fact, cheat?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've been through what you're going through, except when I found the chat and the Adult Friend Finder and Sexsearch profiles, I also found out that he had paid money to an escort service twice.

I agree that you need to gather evidence. A keylogger would be ideal. That will tell you the extent of what he's doing. With what you have right now, he will deny deny deny, and you will believe him, and you will let it go, and he will continue doing it.

And yes, figure out what you want. I kicked my husband out the day I found out. We were separated for 5 months.

Have no doubt, he IS cheating on you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Even if he was only doing it for some form of titillation it's completely inappropriate and very dangerous. All it takes is for a low point in your relationship combined with the right woman responding to him and he's highly likely to cheat.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

OP,
You can sign up on the same site/service he is on (using a fake name and picture of course) and contact him that way. Show your interest and see how far it will go.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Lady, dont confront. I'm trying to pull out of a 25 year marraige. I was super naive and would always confront. He always minimized the situation. "He was curious, "she" was coming on to him. etc...etc...
His activities never ended. He just got good at hiding it. Or would accuse me of cheating etc..Or would back off for a bit and start up again. Gather evidence quietly. and do all of the advice given here. 

Good luck.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

IslandGirl3 said:


> In this thread and others, I wonder why it's so important to install tracking devices in cars, computers, phones, etc. If you know the truth, why do you need to prove to the cheater that he did, in fact, cheat?


It's not so much to "prove" to the cheater that they are cheating, but rather to arm oneself with factual information to have on hand when confronting them. 

A common tactic used by cheaters is called "gaslighting". This is when they say things like, "oh yeah, we're just friends" or "I wasn't ever at that hotel, I was watching Timmy's soccer game".

With facts gained from trackers or keyloggers or whatever, the betrayed spouse can stand firm about what's going on instead of wavering if he comes back and says something like "I was only checking out the profile of my friend at work so I could give her advice about it....that's why I had to contact her on IM". If in this instance you have black and white proof of who he was looking at and how many times and what the emails and chats were about, then you know he's either just a super nice dating guru for all the single girls around him, or that he's a big fat cheater and can respond accordingly.


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## LadyCatie (Dec 11, 2012)

To All,

Thank you for your opinions and suggestions. I did ask him about it this morning...and he lied. He said he does not have a current account but was attempting to delete an old one from before we were married. I know this is false because the site was still logged on when I found it. All this being said, I am not convinced he is cheating on me and I am not ready to simply give him his marching orders. Apart from this one blip, our marriage is very good. Perhaps he is looking for reassurance that he is still desirable (he has gained a considerable amount of weight in the last couple years)? I may try the key logger...not really sure how I would feel about spying that way though.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What is your definition of cheating?? What he's done sure fits mine. It isn't just a 'blip'. In your own words, he is having inappropriate relationships with other women. Do you know what an emotional affair is?

This book may open your eyes

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

You know he's a liar, why would you hesitate to protect yourself by finding out what the extent of his lies are??


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## LadyCatie (Dec 11, 2012)

Hope1964- As far as I know there have been no "relationships." I used the word earlier trying to convey that as a fear. So far, all that he has done is say "Hello" "How are you?" etc. and rated 90 women as "hot" or "not"


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## LadyCatie (Dec 11, 2012)

Also-I am defining cheating as either:

a.) a physical act
b.) an emotional state in which he romantically loves another woman

I would consider option "b" to be the emotional affair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Key words - 'so far'. And you don't even know for sure that's all he's done.

By your definition of cheating, then, it would be OK for him to engage in cybersex? As long as there was no emotion involved? What about emailing pictures of his junk around? What about even just SAYING he would like to meet up for sex with someone random? What about sexting? What about hiding all this from you?

You know he IS hiding things. You know he is attempting to engage other women. Do you think he's fishing just for someone to talk about the state of world affairs with?

My husband started out doing almost exactly what yours is. You've discovered this hopefully before it escalates. If you don't address this now, it WILL escalate.

You need to find out exactly how far it's gone (hence the keylogger) and then confront him. I really hope that you have found it early enough and that you can nip it in the bud.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

As a former constant liar/a-hole who has been straightened out by a mean as h*** wife, I feel obligated to give my perspective because you seem just like the women I took advantage of and mentally abused in the past. They were all very sweet, loved me very much, but I'd always lie to them and just use them. In the end, I was always the one leaving. After meeting my wife, I realized how lucky I was at the time to be with women like you (I'm not saying she's an awful person; I am saying being with her has given me a new perspective on my past relationships). I would have never changed had I never left them, just as your husband will not have a stroke of honesty and decide he's going to change you. I needed this rude awakening just like he will need one. It took about 1.5 years, a ton of fighting, and consequently a very strained relationship to get it out of me. My wife, however, is very stubborn, mean, and she can withstand a whole lot of pain and torture...and since you seem very sweet and good-natured, I honestly don't think you could pull it off. You wouldn't want to because it'd mean you are that type of person who could.



LadyCatie said:


> Thank you for your opinions and suggestions. I did ask him about it this morning...and he lied. He said he does not have a current account but was attempting to delete an old one from before we were married. I know this is false because the site was still logged on when I found it.


So, we know he's a lying sack. This is great since some guys are so good at lying, they can keep you in a gray area for a very long time. You're halfway there.



LadyCatie said:


> All this being said, I am not convinced he is cheating on me and I am not ready to simply give him his marching orders. Apart from this one blip, our marriage is very good. Perhaps he is looking for reassurance that he is still desirable (he has gained a considerable amount of weight in the last couple years)?


He might not be cheating on you, but he is a liar. What do you think you would have found on those chat transcripts if he were good looking and in great shape? Do you think he would have chatted up some of these women and then in the end said, whooooaa that's enough I don't actually want to cheat on my wife, I just want some people to think I'm hot that's all. 

Just for the record, I don't know know, nor have I ever heard, that a guy just needs reassurance that he's hot to feel good about himself. I know this is a more common thing among women, and there's nothing wrong with that, but guys don't need that. We care about how much money we make, how hot our wives are, and how big we're packing. 

I'm kidding, but I'm trying to illustrate that we care about very different things so putting yourself in his shoes won't get you very far.



LadyCatie said:


> I may try the key logger...not really sure how I would feel about spying that way though.


Well, he had no qualms about lying to you. When you're dealing with a liar, you need to be very firm and unwavering (which will be very tough to do). He will redirect, gaslight, think of anything to either make you think you're wrong, guilt you, threaten to leave you...anything to get you off track. You need to remember that you are the one being wronged here and you need to be very clear about that.

Yes it's spying, but when someone has broken your trust, he loses that privilege. If I were your husband and you brought the key logger up to me, one of things I would use in my defense was that you broke our trust by using the key logger, and then I'd try to get us into a morality debate to make you feel bad (and cuz I'm an a-hole I'd feel totally fine about it), and keep finding ways to undermine your self esteem. I'd find other unrelated ways to keep breaking you down until I'm finally done with you and I think I have better prospects. 

Being with a liar is one of the most painful and torturous things one can endure. They get better and better at it with more and more practice, and trust me, it will be at your expense. I won't tell you to leave him, but I hope you can really weigh the gravity of your situation because you could end up like a woman I was with before: she moved halfway across the world to be with me, her self esteem torn down to nothing, was cheated on several times, and was sent packing after three years painful years and had nothing to show for it.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Maybe he's not cheating on you today. What do you think will happen the day your relationship hits a low point and he manages to get a message from a really hot woman that same day? 

He's playing with fire and being completely disrespectful to you. To me that would be more than a blip.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

As a guy who has done this, I'll give you a tip that will stop him in his tracks and make him think twice about doing anything like it:

Create a fake profile on the site.

Figure out how to message him (this can be tricky on some sites like hot or not... where I think you have to mutually match).

In the message, say something along the lines of "I know you. You're married. This profile is just a fake one I made to contact you. You know anyone in town can see your picture right? Someone will tell [wife's name]. You really need to delete your account and stay off dating sites."

He will flip, panic and delete.

The underlying issue causing him to wander is likely his own self-esteem. Particularly if he's on hot or not, which is a rating site you go to see how attractive other people think you are. I don't have a suggestion on how to resolve that, but this action will probably spook him enough to stay off dating sites.


Edit: darn it, kept reading... if you already confronted him then my plan won't work. He'll just think you found it, delete it, and go somewhere else. There are too many dating sites to constantly check them all.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

jnyu44 said:


> Just for the record, I don't know know, nor have I ever heard, that a guy just needs reassurance that he's hot to feel good about himself. I know this is a more common thing among women, and there's nothing wrong with that, but guys don't need that. We care about how much money we make, how hot our wives are, and how big we're packing.


Let me introduce you to myself then as exhibit A. I sought confirmation and the narcissistic supply I got from a woman expressing interest in me.

Money - check. Hot wife - check. Packing enough - check.

"Yay, she likes me, I'm awesome" and soon the thrill of conquest.

And I never had any intention of leaving my wife. My therapist explained it as my self worth being water in a cup, but the cup has a hole in it. The water leaks out and new sources must be found to keep it full. All sources (money, wife etc) eventually yield less water. Some of us just don't generate self-worth internally. Something went wrong somewhere and how we value ourselves is tied to the external sources that prove our worth... like being desired by women. Its a core self-esteem issue.

Of course, he might be nothing like me and he just wants some side booty. But Hot or Not is probably an indication that he's like me. I had a hot or not profile, originally just for ego confirmation. I'd think I was awesome when I tipped into the low 9's... and I'd think I was unattractive when I dipped down to the upper 8s. I had a few pics that fell in the 7s... yeah... they got deleted. lol

Also be aware, that if he's cornered, he will try to blame his behavior on you... and you'll probably buy it.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You were given great advice by myself and other experienced posters who told you not to confront him because it would be pointless.



d4life said:


> You might confront your husband but it would be a bad move.
> 
> Not enough to go on he'll just say he was having some fun and sorry and he won't do it again and then he'll just be more careful and cover his tracks.





Readytogo said:


> Lady, dont confront. Gather evidence quietly. and do all of the advice given here.





Hope1964 said:


> I agree that you need to gather evidence. A keylogger would be ideal. That will tell you the extent of what he's doing. With what you have right now, he will deny deny deny, and you will believe him, and you will let it go, and he will continue doing it.


You disregard the advice provided, and you go and confront him and it was futile as expected.



LadyCatie said:


> To All,
> 
> Thank you for your opinions and suggestions. I did ask him about it this morning...and he lied.





LadyCatie said:


> All this being said, I am not convinced he is cheating on me and I am not ready to simply give him his marching orders. Apart from this one blip, our marriage is very good.


Your head is in the sand, you are rationalizing and justifying his behavior and you are under the mistaken belief that your marriage is good. It's not. Your husband of 2 years is looking for women on dating sites and lying to you about it when asked. 



LadyCatie said:


> ? I may try the key logger...not really sure how I would feel about spying that way though.


You're going to just take him at his word even though you know he's lying and you're not even going to check up on him. 

Good luck, you're going to need it. I don't get why you even posted here, you did exactly what you planned to do all along, and you'll get exactly the results you don't want. 



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> As a guy who has done this, I'll give you a tip that will stop him in his tracks and make him think twice about doing anything like it:


Even if she tried that - and she won't, she won't spy on him because she think's it's not right- it won't do any good. It's like painting over mold and pretending it's not there anymore.


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## LadyCatie (Dec 11, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8- This sounds most like my husband. He has always been the type of man who got lots of attention at work, sports, and yes, from women (he was a college baseball player who was in excellent shape). He works very hard to be the 'best.' He responds extremely well to compliments and positive reinforcement. He is also the type of man who highly values others opinions of him. 

Kindi- If you noticed, I posted in the evening after work. I only received one reply that evening before bed which suggested that I confront my husband and tell him how I felt. Upon waking in the morning I decided to follow that advice as he could tell something was wrong and asked me what it was. I am not in the habit of lying to him and felt I should give him the opportunity to speak for himself. I was disappointed, but it was not futile. I did not read the other posts until the following evening. I am not ignoring your advise, but neither will I blindly follow all things suggested.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

LadyCatie said:


> I am not in the habit of lying to him and felt I should give him the opportunity to speak for himself.


You feel that not confronting him about what you found out is lying to him, I disagree

You felt that he should have the opportunity to speak for himself, in other words he should be given a chance to come clean and provide a full and honest explanation for his actions in regard to his online dating. Again, I disagree that he should be given that opportunity, by the very nature of his actions it is clear that he is not to be trusted and it's typical for a person who is confronted to just be more secretive about his actions, but ok, you felt the proper thing to do was confront him and you got a bunch of lies

Even though he's lied to you, you still are hesitant to do any further investigation, you'd rather continue to take him at his word, and my advice to you at this point is that you are burying your head in the sand at your own peril.

You're in an involuntary war. You don't want to be there, but your hand has been forced. This is no time to say "I believe in peace and I won't fight back" while the enemy is dropping bombs all around you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LadyCatie said:


> DvlsAdvc8- This sounds most like my husband. He has always been the type of man who got lots of attention at work, sports, and yes, from women (he was a college baseball player who was in excellent shape). He works very hard to be the 'best.' He responds extremely well to compliments and positive reinforcement. He is also the type of man who highly values others opinions of him.
> 
> Kindi- If you noticed, I posted in the evening after work. I only received one reply that evening before bed which suggested that I confront my husband and tell him how I felt. Upon waking in the morning I decided to follow that advice as he could tell something was wrong and asked me what it was. I am not in the habit of lying to him and felt I should give him the opportunity to speak for himself. I was disappointed, but it was not futile. I did not read the other posts until the following evening. I am not ignoring your advise, but neither will I blindly follow all things suggested.


You did what you felt was right under the circumstance. Nothing wrong with that at all. You gave him a chance to explain why he was looking for other women online. You found out what a lot of us found out when we did the same thing. Learning to handle a situation like this is a hard thing to go through. 

Those of us, like me, who gave you advice to do more investigation before talking to, or confronting him, gave you that advice based on what we have learned the hard way.

Speaking for myself I’ve been through a very hard road dealing with a man who started the same way your husband has. I wish I had done the things I suggested to you from day one. We’d might not be divorced now if I had. But the damage becomes so great over time that it’s impossible to recover. 

You gave him a chance to be honest and open up to you. He did not take it. So what are you going to do now?

All we can do is share our experiences and tell we have learned works best. We are not here to tell you what to do (even if our posts can sound pretty much like we are). You will get very contradicting posts. Take what you like and leave the rest. It’s your life. You have to live with your own decisions and actions.

There are some good books that can help you. One is “Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Harley.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Those of us, like me, who gave you advice to do more investigation before talking to, or confronting him, gave you that advice based on what you have learned the hard way.
> 
> All we can do is share our experiences and tell we have learned works best. We are not here to tell you what to do (even if our posts can sound pretty much like we are).


You're right of course, and well said.

But it's so frustrating when you see people with no experience doing the exact opposite of what needs to be done to effectively deal with the situation. Especially when they come on here and ask us what to do!

Its like watching a horror movie where you know the killer is hiding in the house and the innocent girl is walking towards the front door and you scream at the TV set "Don't go in there!".

They don't listen either..


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

You are young if he is doing this after 2 years of marriage it's going to be a long painful marriage ...get out while you are young!!! create a female posting and I will guarantee he would go for the bait! HE IS LOOKING FOR SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN! Is that not bad enough. Wouldn't want you to endure what I have endured it is a long road of pain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kindi said:


> You're right of course, and well said.
> 
> But it's so frustrating when you see people with no experience doing the exact opposite of what needs to be done to effectively deal with the situation. Especially when they come on here and ask us what to do!
> 
> ...


Yes it is frustrating. But I have 3 children in their mid 20's. They have taught me to pull back and not own it when others choose to do things their own way even after I give them good advice. Sometimes a person just has to touch the hot stove to find out for themself that it's hot. They only believe it after they get burned. But that's not my problem. I will still tell them that the stove is hot.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If he's being this blatant in looking for and soliciting sex online, it is safe to assume that he has probably been cheating on you all along and just hiding it well, especially in taking things underground after whatever confrontation you had about inappropriate FB flirtation.

I know that it is devastating. I've been in your shoes, found my husband chatting up women for sex online after having been married only a year. He'd hidden it very well after I confronted him about his exes flirting with him and his allowing it.

You have one chance to get through to a man like this and you've gotta make it count. Anything other than the right strike at the right time and he will take it as permission that he can continue and you won't object. It's as much a show of prowess as greed in the sex department.

Say nothing. Gather evidence so you can discover the extent if his infidelity. Put a VAR in his car and a Keylogger on the computer. This way, you will have proof that he cannot gaslight/manipulate away as just your imagination or suspicious overreaction. Once you have sufficient proof, think about it got a minute. Go up a divorce attorney and get the papers for a divorce. Confront him (ensure your own safety by making sure you have enough time to talk this out and make sure that others know something is up so you're not in danger of his anger). Show him your evidence. Ask him to come clean with the whole truth immediately or to sign the divorce papers. If you want to continue with the marriage and he does, too, if he seems remorseful at all, you must insist on full transparency and honesty, marriage counseling, independent counseling for his sex addiction, and complete no contact with these people. In your case, you'll need a Keylogger and perhaps a nanny cam or VAR hidden to monitor his behavior to see if he is lying or not, complete access to all his accounts (immediately so he doesn't have time to hide his dirty tracks). And you have to be firm, calm, not emotional when you confront him or else he will find your weakness. You have one chance here. And, if he doesn't want to work on the marriage and thinks you're bluffing and wants to call the bluff, you follow aged with the divorce papers. If he cleans up his act, you can withdraw your petition. 

Guys like this will find a way to rug sweep, manipulate, and just go underground instead of facing the music. He may well love you, but his sex addiction is something else entirely.

Good Luck. A year+ later, my husband still won't come clean about his behavior and still says he doesn't want a divorce; were separated. And it hurts like hell to be constantly jerked around...so, do it right the first time and maybe you can avoid my situation.

Hang in there. Get a counselor for yourself too.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

OK. I sound a little overly forceful in my post there. Sorry about that. I guess that what I'm saying is that it will be very easy for you to rug sweep this and look the other way because it's painful. You want to believe him and you want this to work. But, if he's been lying to you about this, then you can't trust what he says if you approach him about it. So, I guess that all I mean to say is that you ought to find out all the info first, figure out where your boundary line is and what you're willing to tolerate, and then act swiftly and certainly so that you don't get pulled into more lies and pain, only to end up here again after a false reconciliation. Some of my own projection is in there because it made me think of my life. But...you should take whatever advice suits you. Good Luck to you.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You had better keep your radar on. Don't take what he told you at face value. Keep watching, this movie will probably have a sequel.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He doesn't want to be faithful in your marriage. Even before marriage, he was inappropriate with other women. I'm sure he loves you AND wants to have sex with other women. I would assume that he already has by going to all the trouble on dating sites but that's just me. Many married men are on dating sites pretending to be single.


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## Ausflower (Nov 14, 2012)

Get out, don't look back. He is not going to change, you will be looking over your shoulder all the time .
Once a liar always a liar.
Good luck


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