# Tough Love - confused



## Unsettled13012 (Jan 23, 2014)

Posting here to see if anyone has some advice. 

I have been married 21 years. My husband has always been the most loving man and father. We rarely fight. We have 3 children from ages 14-6. 

In November I was blind sided to find out that my husband had been emailing a female employee of his. The emails were of general nature - just chit chat - for awhile. Then the emails turned sexual. I confronted him about it and he admitted to it. He insisted that it was just words. That it was a fantasy world and wasn't real. That it would stop. I jumped in whole heartedly to save my marriage. Became the perfect wife. Gave him everything I thought he needed. Including forgiveness. Though not trust..

At the end of December while checking his phone I found another email. Nothing sexual but definitely deceitful. I once again confronted him. I got mad. I insisted to see his work email and found more correspondence. The "I miss you's" "You know how I feel" "I see you everywhere I look" etc. Once again he insisted that he loves me and does not want to leave our marriage. I left at that point but only for a few days. The marriage was definitely strained at that point. He started looking for a new job to get away from this "girl" - 13 years younger - We were living together though very strained. He insisted it was completely over but had to communicate with her on work issues until he found a new job. 

Three weeks later. I found another email. Nothing bad. Just something about a football game. However, he completely lied to me when he stated that they only conversed on work issues.

I kicked him out of the house...That is were we are now. Separated but not.. I still love the man and he states that he still loves me and wants our marriage. My counselor gave me the Love Must be Tough book. I am almost thru it but I am having difficulty applying it. I have told him that I can not live with him again until he has left his job and figured out why he keeps going back to this email thing. There has been no physical contact between them. I do believe this. 

But we have 3 kids and have to communicate daily on activities etc. He is constantly texting me that he loves me, misses me etc. Pours his heart out to me in writing. I have no idea how to respond! Do I keep the spouse communciation going between us? He seems lost. I beleive he knows what he could lose and wants back in but I don't want to give in too soon. I did that two other times. 

Any advice?


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I believe its difficult for a man and a woman to just be "friends", almost impossible perhaps. Someone will eventually have romantic feelings for the other. 

I believe you have done the right thing, you called his attention and demanded he stop forever. You took control.

Your next step is to put in a key logger into his computer. Tell him that you want to see his computer one more time for peace of mind. Load the program into a USB, tell him you want to look at the computer privately, and install the program. Give it back to him. You'll be able to see everything he types, all his emails, and even get access to his passwords. 

Over the next week or so, communicate more freely with him and act normal, but now you get to monitor his activity without him knowing it. DO NOT ever reveal what you have done. If you catch him in the act, do not expose him nor tell him that you installed the key logger ever. 

You'll know quickly whether or not he is sincere.


----------



## Stranded17 (Jan 21, 2014)

Unsettled, I see this common issue all the time. I call it "virtual affair". If I put myself in your shoes, I would ask myself a Q. What do I want him back for? For love (which is lame b/c he's already failed multiple times promising to fix the issue) or for kids (then I have to except the fact that he may do it again and I have to put up with it)? There can be multiple answer where you have to pick the one you benefit the most. It just my personal opinion of course.


----------



## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

Unsettled13012 said:


> Posting here to see if anyone has some advice.
> 
> I have been married 21 years. My husband has always been the most loving man and father. We rarely fight. We have 3 children from ages 14-6.
> 
> ...


Chump Lady — Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for giving him consequences for his actions! Use the 180 list as needed, for yourself. 

Who have you exposed the Emotional Affair to? His and her family, friends, employers?

Have you spoke to a lawyer, to find out your rights and to let him know where this will head?

Some reading...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Sorry your here...


----------



## Unsettled13012 (Jan 23, 2014)

Hey everyone. Just an update. Almost two weeks since I made him leave the house. He is staying at his nephews. We are apart but I guess not officially separated. 

We are communicating daily. About the kids and about our relationship. He wants to come home. He says over and over again that he still loves me and wants our life. He is trying to figure out why he had the emotional affair. Reading a lot and journaling. He wrote me a letter that explained some of it as he sees it right now. 

The problem is- he still works with this woman. I have told him that I can not and will not deal with him having to have contact with her everyday. Even if it is all business. He knows this and agrees. He is currently starting the job search- both internally in his organization and externally. But it is going to take time. He is asking me to be patient and not give up on him during the process. He gave me full access to his work and personal email. His phone when I ask. 

So what now? Do I stay tough? I know I want to work it out in the end but I am not sure if I am ready for the intimacy of living together. Though he could stay in another room. But the distance scares me a little too. Like, one of us could get use to it...

We are going through counseling and starting a 4 week course called "Revive" through Marriage Builders.com. 

Any advice from experience. Does the distance help or hurt if you are truly wanting to work it out?


----------

