# Wife no longer interested?



## Deezer (Oct 23, 2016)

So after 29 years of marriage (we are in our late 40's), I feel like we've reach a point in our sex life that we have issues. We've never really have any marital issues in our past. We have two well-rounded kids in their 20's and rarely have fights or disagreements. One #1 rule we've always lived by is that we never go to bed angry and always talk through any disagreements before the fester. We will usually have sex 1x per week...in our early days it was 1-2 times a day! We both always reach climax and can usually do it together. So we've never really had sex issues. This is really foreign territory for me.

However lately (6 months or so) I've noticed that my wife is no longer a willing participant when it comes to sex. What I mean by that is that she is there physically, and is more than willing to receive, but when it comes to initiating or giving back, it is non-existent. I always make sure she is taken care of first, before I take care of my own needs. Over the years, I have always been the initiator, and I'm ok with that. But once in a while, it would be nice to be desired in return. There were once days where she would take control during the session and it was amazing...but the last time that happened was maybe 3 years ago.

One of the things that really triggered my concern is that as I look back over that last six months maybe more, I can thing of 2 times where she actually touched me intimately and that was for about 2-3 minutes and it was with hesitation. At least that's the vibe I got back. Oral sex on her part over the past year, maybe... twice. Me on the other hand, it's every time - I will always perform oral sex on her, and up until this point, I've always had the impression she enjoys it as she always reaches climax- usuallly more than once. I realize oral sex is not for everyone, but this has never been an issue in the past for us. Something changed along the way and I can't quite put my finger on it. Why doesn't she have that interest anymore like I have? I'm a normal guy, 5-11 210 lbs, I take care of myself when it comes to health and fitness. She is of average height and weight as well, so I'm thinking I can rule the physical out. I just feel like she's no longer physically attracted to me and it pains me. I can't go on like this. I want to be with some who desires me as much as I desire them. I'm not asking for someone to molest me at any given point, but it sure would be nice to feel that desire from my own wife. I can't think of one time in the past 5 years, where she came and payed next to me, or showed me some kind of affection which would lead to sex. 100% of the time it is me.

When it's time to go to bed and I make an attempt to transition from the living area to the bedroom, she suddenly finds things to do around the house, which to me appears to me, as a delay tactic. If I lay in bed for more than 20-30 minutes, I usually pass a point of no return when it comes to becoming too tired to perform and I think she uses this to get out of sex. If I do happen to make it past that 20-30 minutes, she goes to take a shower, which will tack on another 30 minutes. So by the time we add this all up, I'm laying there for about 60 minutes before she comes to bed. If I happen to still be awake, I feel she has this dread of of the sex obligation. I've also noticed that she usually has to have a small amount alcohol beforehand as well. This is usually after or during the shower. All this just adds up to a lot of confusion on my part. I also suspect at times where she has masterbated in the shower before coming to bed as she is unusually wet when she comes to bed. Again, I'm totally good with that. I'm just super-confused at this point.

Here's the interesting part. There have been a couple times over the past 6 months or so that I have suddenly woke up from a deep sleep to discover her masterbating next to me. She's never known that I know this, but it has happened several times. This is after the delay tactic was used to avoid sex. Now, I'm not against her masterbating, but if she's avoiding sex with me only to masterbate an hour later, it doesn't make sense to me. It's usually quiet, and I can't see anything. But I can hear her vibrator and her slightly heavy breathing, eventually leading to a quiet, soft climax. I just lay there and listen. We use toys in bed and I'm totally ok with it if it helps her, ...and I know it's a total turn on for me. So this tells me that she has desire, but apparently just not with me.

So the reason why I'm posting this, is to get some insight as to what could be happening here. I never imagined in a million years I would resort to posting something like this, but I really have nobody else to turn to. I plan on bringing up my concerns with her, but I want to make sure I'm understanding what could be happening in her head so I know how to approach it. 

I just don't understand. I know when I bring it up, she will deny that anything is wrong and if that's the case I'm not quite sure how I will proceed after that. Life is too short to be in a marriage that isn't reciprocal ... not sure how much longer I can do this.

Any thoughts as to how I approach this?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Does she work, OP? Could she be having an affair? You must rule out that possibility as best you can. Unfortunately, when these sudden disinterest in sex occurs there is usually an adultery happening or about to happen. What about you? Have you ever cheated? Could it be resentment?

I am steering to towards the adultery possibility. Some persons are not able to be emotionally/sexually into two people. Sometimes, if they are cheating, affection towards their husband feels like cheating on the AP. Think. Have you noticed any changes in her behaviour: dressing nicer, new panties, staying out late, guarding her phone, stuff like that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

At 5-11 210 lbs, unless you are all muscle, you are overweight. Lose 10-20 lbs of fat. See if your gym or family doctor has a high tech scale that will give you breakdown of body fat, muscle mass etc. 

Wife will notice or think you are having an affair. Either way, this is to your benefit.

And if she is having an affair, you will want to be in BETTER shape to attract another partner.

Don't say "My wife would never cheat." Every guy says that, before they discover their wife cheated. 

Statistically you both are in the right circumstances to cheat. Married young. Empty nest. 20-30 years married. Approaching the 40 or 50 years old milestone. 

Was she a stay at home mom?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you think you can talk to her about this (I know it can be very difficult)? I agree that it sounds like she is trying to avoid sex, and not enjoying it (even if she is physically getting an O).

I agree that something is wrong, but its not easy to tell what. Can you think of a particular time when this behavior started? Any change in medications, birth control etc? 

Is there still romance in your life? Do you go out on dates, get her flowers etc?

Any sign of her being depressed, or other behavior changes?

There are a lot of people who just don't want much sex, but when there is a change, its worth trying hard to figure out what is going on.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Is she on any kind of new medication?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

delete


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## Deezer (Oct 23, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> Does she work, OP? Could she be having an affair? You must rule out that possibility as best you can. Unfortunately, when these sudden disinterest in sex occurs there is usually an adultery happening or about to happen. What about you? Have you ever cheated? Could it be resentment?
> 
> I am steering to towards the adultery possibility. Some persons are not able to be emotionally/sexually into two people. Sometimes, if they are cheating, affection towards their husband feels like cheating on the AP. Think. Have you noticed any changes in her behaviour: dressing nicer, new panties, staying out late, guarding her phone, stuff like that.


I can't imagine her having an affair. She does work from home, so she is not in the social setting at the workplace. In fact, our social life is pretty boring. We both work so much that we rarely have time for any social gatherings. 

No affairs in the past as far as I know on either side. But then again, I'm always the last to know things it seems.


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## Deezer (Oct 23, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> At 5-11 210 lbs, unless you are all muscle, you are overweight. Lose 10-20 lbs of fat. See if your gym or family doctor has a high tech scale that will give you breakdown of body fat, muscle mass etc.
> 
> Wife will notice or think you are having an affair. Either way, this is to your benefit.
> 
> ...


For my frame I'm about proportionate. I go to the gym 3-5 days a week and work with a trainer... it's muscle 

She's not a stay at home mom, but she does work a corporate job from home.


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## Deezer (Oct 23, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Do you think you can talk to her about this (I know it can be very difficult)? I agree that it sounds like she is trying to avoid sex, and not enjoying it (even if she is physically getting an O).
> 
> I agree that something is wrong, but its not easy to tell what. Can you think of a particular time when this behavior started? Any change in medications, birth control etc?
> 
> ...


I never thought of the medication thing. I can't really pinpoint when the change in behavior started because it has been so progressive. All of a sudden I started noticing these things - the avoidance mostly. We still go out and do stuff, but I think I'm in this viscous circle because I have a hard time being romantic when I don't get anything back. After posting this thread, I did some thinking over washing two cars and I think I'm going to suggest we seek some kind of professional help. If she doesn't want to go, then maybe I will just go for myself to help navigate through this. It really stinks.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

On


FrenchFry said:


> Peri-menopause?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Check this out. She is at the age where her hormones are changing. She could be experiencing pain during intercourse or other symptoms. 


Or perhaps another man. Won't know what the problem is until she tells you. Counseling is a good idea. Hope she goes with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you think it might be a vicious circle, just break it. Go back to being loving and romantic - not to get sex, but just to see if it makes her happier - and because its fun. Nothing to lose, and a lot to possibly gain.



Deezer said:


> I never thought of the medication thing. I can't really pinpoint when the change in behavior started because it has been so progressive. All of a sudden I started noticing these things - the avoidance mostly. We still go out and do stuff, but I think I'm in this viscous circle because I have a hard time being romantic when I don't get anything back. After posting this thread, I did some thinking over washing two cars and I think I'm going to suggest we seek some kind of professional help. If she doesn't want to go, then maybe I will just go for myself to help navigate through this. It really stinks.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I would ask her, point blank, and watch her reaction closely. Catch her off guard. I believe she will first try to give you some BS story like "I've just been so busy around the house and with work" or "I've been tired lately". You should be persistent and rebut her excuses. For example, tell her that you've observed that she has plenty of time to watch TV and that she certainly hasn't seemed more tired than usual. Other BS excuses to watch for: "I wanted to make love last week, but I saw you were asleep", etc. Knock all of that BS out of the way. 

My wife tried these crap excuses with me. However, my wife is permanently retarded when it comes to affection and sex. It's more than just a six-month affliction with her. 

Even if you're certain there's no other man, you should try to put her off balance by raising the possibility and watching her reaction closely. Tell her that you're starting to feel a growing distance between you--possibly irreversible damage to your marriage and friendship. Don't let her dismiss it or get away with some half-assed promise to change her behavior (she won't change unless you dig deep). Keep pushing the issue like an interrogator questioning a criminal. Tell her about some guy at work who's wife grew so unaffectionate that it destroyed his marriage. Tell her you're wondering if the two of you will end up like that.

Push push push. Make the conversation uncomfortable with no easy outs. Again, you're putting pressure on her just to gauge her reactions and get a feeling for how honest she's being. This will help you get to the underlying reason. Ask again the next day, and the day after that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Peri-menopause or entering menopause can really kill a woman's sexual desire.

I don't think your weight is to blame. She's just not feeling it anymore no matter what you look like. I suspect it's hormonal.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Deezer,

Here is your problem and the range of responses you have here verify this. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS CAUSING THIS , and it is not going to get better until you found out. But you better "explore" the range of what it could be or you may get a very unpleasant surprise.

Now, no one here knows your wife, so we are all guessing along with you. Many people who are married masturbate, but mostly when they are in a hurry and need relief or their spouse or partner is not around. No big deal there. But with you in the bed next to her is alarming. Yes, your wife is at an age where menopause or other hormolon imbalances could cause her lack of desire for sex.

But now the other end of the spectrum that you better at least think about
(1) she is at an age where many women, after years of being a housewife or just plain boredom, seek some "variety" and ego kibbles to prove to them selves that they still are sexy and desirable.
(2) many women involved with another man detach and either cut their husbands off or just go through the motions because they feel they are "cheating" on their boyfriends by having sex with husband.

The simple fact is you are clueless as the what is oin her mind right now so do not make any statements that you consider absolute certain about. No BS ever thinks their spouse would cheat until it happens.

My suggestions to you are
(1) talk to her about your sex life and see if she will reveal anything that makes sense. Then consider seeing a therapist
(2) do NOT infer or accuse her of cheating. If she is, it will only drive it further underground.
(3) trust your gut, which brought you to a forum of strangers so something is really bothering you.

Now, what you do not want to hear, but I am saying this to try to help you not be one of these guys who come back here saying they should have paid more attention. If the conversation resolves nothing.

(1) google "signs of female infidelity". If there is more there other than not initiating or being an active participant in sex you better pay attention. 

Then come back here


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It doesn't seem like her desire is gone just her desire for you.
Have you checked to see if she is on her phone during her solo adventures?

Could she be into sexting, porn etc.?

Assuming you do not work at home, you should try leaving a 
var somewhere you can tell what is going on when you are not around. Also put a var in her car un der the seat with heavy duty velcro. Unfortunately, there have been many infidelity stories that have started like this in the infidelity section. An increase or decrease in sex is a major red flag for cheating.

Get the MMSLP book linked to below. It could be a matter of disrespect over something you are unaware of.

Check phone and text records for a lot of activity with someone you don't know. Beware of numbers with false names.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


Chaparral said:



It doesn't seem like her desire is gone just her desire for you.
Have you checked to see if she is on her phone during her solo adventures?

Could she be into sexting, porn etc.?

Assuming you do not work at home, you should try leaving a 
var somewhere you can tell what is going on when you are not around. Also put a var in her car un der the seat with heavy duty velcro. Unfortunately, there have been many infidelity stories that have started like this in the infidelity section. An increase or decrease in sex is a major red flag for cheating.

Get the MMSLP book linked to below. It could be a matter of disrespect over something you are unaware of.

Check phone and text records for a lot of activity with someone you don't know. Beware of numbers with false names.

Click to expand...

*

Deezer,

The above is your simple answer and if you take the advice you will find out and be able to either eliminate the worst outcome in a relatively short period of time. For $200 investment, you can put one in her car and one VAR in the house and most will bet that within a week you will know if she is having any inappropriate communication with any other men. And the phone records will alert you to see if there are any frequently called numbers that you have no clue who they are.

Now the typical, and incorrect reaction of many men in your situation is to feel "guilty" about snooping. BAD MOVE!!! And here is why
(1)* Denia*l is your worst enemy right now. You are troubled enough to have come here. Putting your head in the sand solves nothing. her actions , or inaction in the bedroom brought you here.
(2) If you use the VAR's, you MUST be prepared to hear some hurtful things. if she is withholding or not participating in sex with you for the wrong reasons, you can bet your bottom dollar she WILL be communicating with the OM on her cell phone. No matter what you hear you do not reveal your source. READ THAT LAST SENTENCE AGAIN!!!! Also, women tend to more than men discuss their relationship issues with girlfriends so even hearing what she is discussing with them may tell you what is going on.

Now in my previous post i advised you to google "signs of female infidelity". let me save you a little time by giving you are few
(1) guarding her phone and locking it so you cannot see it (the phone records will help you with this)
(2) taking the phone everywhere
(3) change in wardrobe ( and that includes her buying outfits or lingerie that you have not seen)
(4) sudden mania about working out and losing weight
(5) frequent disappearing on "shopping" or "errands" with no explanation or history of that
(6) increase in Girls Night Out" or out of town trips with "girlfriend"
(7) new "grooming" habits ( in simple terms shaving her you know what if that has not been her history)
(8) immediate shower when coming home from work.
(9) new male friends on social media or at work that she constantly mentions
(10) new likes in music or books

by now you should get the picture.

now, this problem you have may be TOTALLY UNCONNECTED with another man or men or online relationship. But if you have a medical problem, the doctor will usually rule out the worst case outcome first and work backwards from there. 

I would do exactly that and once you are convinced that there is nothing inappropriate causing her behavior, THEN you move the the discussion of the sex problem. Doing it the other way around alerts her and will make getting the truth more difficult.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

One of the many things I have learned here (thank you BadSanta) is that the things that spouses enjoy changes over time.If you are not paying attention (I wasn't) suddenly you are not doing what they like and vice-versa.

So, you two need to re-connect through communication, exploration, and communication. Then throw in some more communication just for good measure.

Masterbating right next to you when she thinks you are asleep is a good place to start. Is she seeking the thrill of possibly getting caught? What is she fantasizing about during her little session? Can you help her? Can you do it together? Don't start the coversation as a criticism or concern. Start it as "Hey I noticed you are doing this and it makes me kinda hot......."


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Peri-menopause or entering menopause can really kill a woman's sexual desire.
> 
> I don't think your weight is to blame. She's just not feeling it anymore no matter what you look like. I suspect it's hormonal.


That doesn't explain her midnight masturbation.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Are there any other changes you've noticed as listed above? Grooming? Hair or clothes?

If there are any I would use a couple of VAR (voice activated recorders) as others have said just to verify nothing else is going on. People talk in safe places - the car, etc. also one in the bedroom or anywhere you think she might talk or bring someone.

Loss of affection - and AVOIDING affection - is a real red flag. Something is definitely going on, even if it's just boredom.

Do not confront about the possibility of an affair or she will start to cover her tracks if that's it, at least until you have VAR in place.

If it's not someone else, then examine yourself and your life together. Is it predictable? Is there any excitement or variety? Do you go on dates? Do you compliment her - honestly - and without any association to sex (notice her hair or outfits and make a positive comment)? Do you cook ever? Do you compliment her cooking?

Don't underestimate the importance of continual affirmation of your love, admiration and interest. If this only comes in bed, she may not think it is sincere.

When we first meet and date, there are so many unknowns. We are intrigued and we are trying to put our best foot forward. We ignore the negative traits and focus on the positive. We experience everything for the first time and it's new and exciting.

Fast forward a decade or two. What is left to know? What is exciting?

Some good advice I've read is to create NEW memories with your spouse. Do something you have never done. Generate interest and new feelings. Eat food you've never tried. Go to a concert you've never attended - a different genre. Buy or rent bicycles if you don't have them and go for a bike ride (did that this weekend and it was wonderful).

In a way you are wooing her, but really you're showing her you want to spend time with her, you like her, you like her company.

Btw I know suspecting an affair and telling you to woo her are polar opposites, but we don't know enough to really know what your situation is. But regardless of her actions and thoughts, your goal is to be the best you and best partner you can be. And the second set of thoughts talk about that aspect. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Deezer (Oct 23, 2016)

Thank you all for your thoughts. Some of these thoughts are completely freaking me out! others seem quite rational and make a lot of sense.

So a 48hr update. I've always thought that we've had pretty good communication. So I suggested we go for a walk the other night and I broke it to her. I flat out told her that I felt like she wasn't attracted to me anymore, and I wanted to know what happened. She completely said I was nuts and that wasn't the case. She said that she thinks she is going through exactly what some of you mentioned, peri-pause. Apparently, she's been doing her research and based on what she has found, it all points to that. It's not that her interest is not completely gone, but she feels like the desire is on a downward trend at the moment. Combine this with the stress of work and some other family issues that she has going on(extended family) she feels overwhelmed at times, all getting in the way of our intimacy.

One thing that I didn't mention (I didn't think it was a factor) was that I've gone through short phases where I hard time achieving O. Not erection issues, just achieving can prove difficult during times of stress or stupid little things in my environment at that moment which totally distract me. For me, it has always been more important to me that she reaches O without fail, but when I encounter difficulty that in turn gives her a complex thinking that she's the reason- which is not the case. I just sometimes lose my focus- it's like a weird ADD moment.

So her lack of participation (my perception) is her way of allowing me to do what I need to to reach my own O. She feels like if she interrupts my flow by getting involved, it causes me to lose focus and I don't achieve...which can be true I guess, but not the rule. It's really one extreme or the other for me..super quick or never. So this was a good opportunity to talk through each of our perceptions of that topic. There was more, but you get the idea. 

I didn't bring up the midnight masterbating issue only because everything she said seemed to make sense. I think it boils down to being a convenience thing for her, nothing more than a quick easy release...and I'm completely ok with it. I think in the cases of the shower beforehand, she's probably trying to get an extra O in before I get my single one-shot and it's over too quick for her. I could be wrong in all this, but it makes sense once we talked through it. That night we actually had some of the best sex (participatory!) we've had in a long time...funny how that works.

Thanks for all the input. I'm glad I found this resource...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is fantastic that you can talk. If she is willing to work with you, its very likely you can fix this!


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

I don't see how it could be either infidelity or menopausal lack of desire. Because then why would she masturbate? Either she's getting it elsewhere, or she doesn't want it at all.

If you do ask her to go to a therapist, be careful not to imply its her problem (even though it is), because therapy doesn't work on people dragged there against their will.

If I were you I'd go with something like, "I want to be sure I'm attractive to you and there isn't anything you'd like me to change. Would you like to discuss it together, or perhaps with a marriage therapist? Because it upsets me to feel I'm not doing my best for you".

Good luck!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uhtred said:


> If you think it might be a vicious circle, just break it. Go back to being loving and romantic - not to get sex, but just to see if it makes her happier - and because its fun. Nothing to lose, and a lot to possibly gain.


Best answer yet! 🙂


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