# What now?



## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

I recently found out that my wife of 4 years has been having an EA/PA with a ex-boyfriend. I just found out about it three days ago, when I confronted her about it she said she didn't see why it was a problem. She told me she has been seeing him along. There wasn't any signs. I am at a lose about what to do. I love her with all my heart and she just stepped on it. I need direction. We can''t even talk about it without her telling me it is my fault, I dont meet her needs, she is in love with both of us. How can a women be in love with two men? Any advice would be really appreciated


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If she can't see why it's a problem to be involved with another man while she is married, you have a rough road ahead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Not a 'rough road' -- a dead-end. Sorry. Doesn't see it as a problem? It's your fault? Seriously... nothing to salvage there. Run and run fast.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

"Loves" both of you? Nonsense.

She simply is finding fullfillment for her selfish NEEDS from two different men.

"I love you" < translation "I need you for boring husband stuff."

"I love this ex boyfriend" < translation "I need him for sex".

As a man, do not stand for it.

Do not accept any of her "blaming" you for her own nonsense.

Schedule marriage counseling for BOTH of you, insist she goes.

If she does not go to counseling, get yourself a lawyer and BEGIN the direction to divorce.

Insist that she stops this affair nonsense and stops ALL contact with this ex boyfriend.

If she does not, get yourself a lawyer and BEGIN the direction to divorce.

For a woman as you are describing, only one thing and one thing only will wake her up, and that is you standing tall and firm as a man and standing tall and firm for your marriage, and this means fighting, and fighting HARD.

It is difficult, there is not going to be much rational talking or "working things out" calmly until she sees in ACTION and BEHAVIOR that you are perfectly willing to throw her to the curb for her sheningans. 

When she sees you are serious, then and only then will there even be a chance of repairing this damage.

I wish you well.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Toss her trick ass in the street.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

:rofl:


Runs like Dog said:


> Toss her trick ass in the street.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I mean, COME ON!

"Hi hon, whaddya do today?"

"Me? Oh I blew my ex, ****ed some strangers, you know, not much"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rayne said:


> *when I confronted her about it she said she didn't see why it was a problem. * She told me she has been seeing him along.
> 
> We can''t even talk about it without her telling me it is my fault, I dont meet her needs, she is in love with both of us.


She has told you point blank she sees nothing wrong with her cheating on you, has expressed zero remorse, and in fact, blames you for her decision.

My advice to you is to you is simple: tell her that's fine and you are done because you won't live in an open marriage.



Runs like Dog said:


> Toss her trick ass in the street.


Pretty much, yes.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

What Jellybeans said times two. Sorry man.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Rayne---You can't live as part of a 3some

Right now there is only one thing to work on---that is getting your wife's head out of the sand

How long has she been with the other guy---maybe most of your mge---she is like a bigamist-----when is she with him, days, nights, from work, weekends????

At this point I would say you are in 2nd place---she is in fantasyland with him, and living in realtime with you---hence you are being demonized, and blamed for everything, as her justification for her A.

You need to tell her, you know you can't control what she does, and you don't intend to---but you do control what you do---and if this drama does not stop YESTERDAY---you will file for D.----With her the way she is now---you have to hit her with drastic measures, or she will just play you, and use you to bankroll her love life with her lover

You may love the woman you were once married to, that is not the woman you are looking at now----If she loved you, she would/could never put a dagger thru your heart, and the mge., as she is now doing---you are dealing with a woman you do not know at this point of time!!

At this point be coldly blunt---tell her is she continues contact, she needs to leave the home---if she refuses, then move, her, her clothes, cosmetics, and everything else hers, into a room somewhere in your home where you don't have to deal with her---and start a very hard, and strong 180, along with drying her up financially, and seeing an atty.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Tell her to get out of the house and not to come back until she chooses to respect your boundaries of the marriage. I bet anything that what her boring husband is providing is more worth while than the sex her ex giving her. Sounds like my wife, so SELFISH and wants the best of both worlds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Rayne said:


> I recently found out that my wife of 4 years has been having an EA/PA with a ex-boyfriend. I just found out about it three days ago, when I confronted her about it she said she didn't see why it was a problem. She told me she has been seeing him along. There wasn't any signs. I am at a lose about what to do. I love her with all my heart and she just stepped on it. I need direction. We can''t even talk about it without her telling me it is my fault, I dont meet her needs, she is in love with both of us. How can a women be in love with two men? Any advice would be really appreciated


Your wife was a total and utter stranger to you. You know her name but you knew her as much as the woman who serves you a beer in the pub, the woman who checks your grocery at the till in the supermarket, the nurse in your dentist, the wife of one of your friends.

You really never knew your wife at all.

Now ask yourself the questions “How could I have loved a woman I do not know?”. “How could I have possibly been in love with a woman I do not know?”. “How could I have been in love with a stranger?”.

You are now aware more than you’ve ever been before of who your wife is and what she represents, what her core values and beliefs are.

Now ask yourself the questions “Can I really love the woman I now know?”. And “Is the woman I now know at all worthy of my love and what I provide for her?”.

Your answers will give you guidance as to the way ahead.

Bob


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> When she sees you are serious, then and only then will there even be a chance of repairing this damage.
> 
> I wish you well.


Almost :iagree:


Sorry your here  

This advise may seem harsh but given the information you have given us then it would seem to be the only way.
You have have ALREADY lost the woman you loved. She has gone and the advice given here is to try and bust her fantasy and at least get her to see you again. 

Be aware that this will hurt like hell and the end result is not to get your wife back. It is given to protect YOU. A byproduct of this is that you may get your wife back. Don't bank on it though.
Again I am really sorry you are here. Slow down. Think if you can. You have information we do not.

I would NOT do marriage counseling until the Affair is over. There will be another person in the room..


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> "
> 
> When she sees you are serious, then and only then will there even be a chance of repairing this damage.
> 
> I wish you well.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> If she can't see why it's a problem to be involved with another man while she is married, you have a rough road ahead.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We had a long talk about the A tonight. She expressed that it is possible to love people differently. She sees me as her "Rock"??WTF??? but needs him for fun and excitement. I told her I don't think I could live like that. She did tell the OM that I know. I have talked about this with a Counselor at an employee assistance program. They recommended MC. Will MC or IC help if she doesn't want to end it?


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She has told you point blank she sees nothing wrong with her cheating on you, has expressed zero remorse, and in fact, blames you for her decision.
> 
> My advice to you is to you is simple: tell her that's fine and you are done because you won't live in an open marriage.
> 
> ...


Easier said than done Jellybeans.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

People can only treat you as crappy as you allow. She is doing a number on you and you are buying it. I feel for you I really do. I hope you find some semblance of normalcy soon.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> People can only treat you as crappy as you allow. She is doing a number on you and you are buying it. I feel for you I really do. I hope you find some semblance of normalcy soon.


I know that it must seem like I'm a doormat but its hard when you are so deeply in love with someone. :scratchhead:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hope you will enjoy your "open" marriage then. I realize you love her but, she is not upholding her vows to you. MC is not going to work if she is still involved with someone else other than her H.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I hope you will enjoy your "open" marriage then. I realize you love her but, she is not upholding her vows to you. MC is not going to work if she is still involved with someone else other than her H.


Sometimes the hard truth hyrts but is needed to be heard.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're in love with the wife you thought you had. You need to find out who she really is, and decide if you still want to be with her. 

If you don't stand up for yourself, you will be in an open relationship. And even if she gives up the other guy, you both need to work on the reasons WHY she cheated. That's where the MC comes in

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Careful with a lack of determination on your end or you may/will be seen as weak and enabling her behavior.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rayne said:


> Easier said than done Jellybeans.


It IS easier said than done. But when you are dealing with someone who tells you TO YOUR FACE that they see nothing wrong w/ cheating on you and aren't remorseful...if you don't wake up fast and stop denying the reality of the situation..you have a long long road ahead. 

It's one thing if the disloyal expresses remorse and tells you they will end the OM/OW relationship to focus on the marriage, commits to the marriage and they feel bad for what they did... they realize the gravity of what they did. It's QUITE another when you are dealing with someone who doesn't care at all that they have hurt you.

And from the sound of it, she falls in the latter camp.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> If you don't stand up for yourself, you will be in an open relationship.


Correction: he IS in an open relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MC wont work until the both of you are on the same page. She clearly is not.
Ray it sound like you love your wife, I would say unconditional..right?


Well then stop putting contitions to that love..right?


You need to love your self 1st man, she has your number, and will continue to manage you the way she sees fit. Stop being managed by her and focus on you. She has control over you, I suggest you get control of your self and find that man that was 5 years ago.

So please stop begging and pleading for her to only love you. You can't control that but you can control what you will tolorate and stop making her the focal point of your happiness. She will only keep you in pain.

You diserve to be happy, you diserve a change ..not for her but for you. Change for your self and distance your self from her. Give her a taste of what it will be like when Rayne is no longer around. Its time the rock starts to roll along. It is her choice if she want to be with only you or not. But its your choice to deside what you diserve.

You have to show some confidence in your self knowing for a fact that you will move on with or with out her on your terms. Go work out and start making a change for you not her.

Remember people want what they can't have so go and better your self knowing you will succeed no matter what your cheating wife does.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Don't even think about MC till she stops cheating, and that means NC, with the other guy

She could use IC---to deal with WHY she needs more than one partner, when she took vows stating to have and to hold forever---etc. etc

You need to get your head out of the sand---about how much you love your wife----cuz right now, she doesn't give a rat's a*s about your love---not if she is taking/wants to take another man into her body

You need to get your priorities straight, right now you ain't in a mge, and no matter how much love you have for your wife---she IS NOT reciprocating.

This whole thing on your part will turn to hate, if you have to continue watching her be with/go to HIM

Do what you must---but do something!!!!


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You came here for help. 

Man to man advice Robx “Counter Intuitive” aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... - Marriage Advocates

You love her but she is using you and 'the guy' is right. Start valuing and respecting yourself and do what is counter intuitive. She's holding on to safety (you) and 'living' life with OM. No way!

Give her the shock and awe treatment. 

Jar ~(I am out of options, someone please help thread) did everything possible to win his wife back but she wasn't remorseful (your situation) Being super good to try and win back a wayward whilst in an affair doesn't seem to work with those showing no remorse.

Let her taste life without you. It's the opposite of what you want to do, I know but, it maybe the only way and quickest way to get her to understand her treacherous behaviour and start dealing seriously with you and your marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2x4s headed your way. Hopefully they will knock you out of the initial shocked/denial/survival mode.



Rayne said:


> I recently found out that my wife of 4 years has been having an EA/PA with a ex-boyfriend. I just found out about it three days ago, when I confronted her about it she said she didn't see why it was a problem.


She doesn't see a problem with adultery? She spat on her marital vows, like the one where she was to forsake all others and be faithful to you. She should never have gotten married then.



Rayne said:


> She told me she has been seeing him along.


The this is the reality of your situation. *Your whole marriage was a lie from the beginning*. You should never have married her.



Rayne said:


> I need direction.


Then follow the good advice that you have been given by others here. We have ALL been in your situation one way or another.



Rayne said:


> We can''t even talk about it without her telling me it is my fault, I dont meet her needs, she is in love with both of us.


This is straight from the cheaters handbook. It's called BLAME SHIFTING. This is so she can justify to her despicable actions to herself so she can feel better about cheating on you. Remember that none of this is your fault, its hers. You are only responsible for 50% of the relationship, she is 100% of the cheating. If you supposedly didnt meet her needs, then she should have told you so and insisted on MC, or else divorced you. But no, she CHOSE the easy route of adultery.



Rayne said:


> How can a women be in love with two men?


They can't. One will always be their love, while the other is the back up, and that's you.



Rayne said:


> Any advice would be really appreciated


And you're getting it. Igore it at your own peril.



Rayne said:


> She sees me as her "Rock"??WTF??? but needs him for fun and excitement. I told her I don't think I could live like that.


You should never have to live like you are the second option. *She MARRIED YOU!* Not him! You should be the only option. This is classic cheater speak: She wants to have her cake and eat it too. *Just another cake eater*. She wants the security of married life but wants to spread her legs for her boyfriend. Right now, you are just the provider, the second stringer, the back up, the bench warmer. You are nobodys option. 



Rayne said:


> Will MC or IC help if she doesn't want to end it?


Many counselors experienced in infidelity issues concur that MC is useless while one party is still in the affair. And she definitely is. MC is for the process of reconciliation, when you both want to save your marriage. She is deep in the fog of her affair, and any MC at this point simply goes in one ear and out the other.



Rayne said:


> I know that it must seem like I'm a doormat but its hard when you are so deeply in love with someone.


Sorry, but you are not unique. Everyone here is/was deeply in love with their spouse. Right now you are being a doormat, but actually, thats quite normal in the beginning.

You see, you are in the initial SHOCKED/DENIAL/SURVIVAL stage, which is right after DDay. You're in shock, and you are in denial that the person you love most would do this despicable thing to you. In survival mode, you are willing to do ANYTHING to save your marriage, this is when you are being a doormat. That includes crying, begging, pleading. You need to read up on the 180, and start strengthening yourself so you can detach and remove any codependency issues that you have.

You have to realize that your whole marriage was a lie from the beginning if shes been cheating on you all along. The woman you fell in love with didnt exist and only now you are seeing her as she truly is. You were duped from the get go. Sorry, but thats the truth. She married you only for security because you were the nice guy, that's all. Her real love is the boyfriend. If you don't have kids with this woman, then you need to leave this marriage behind. You need someone who will be faithful to you, have children with you, grow old with you. 

Lawyer up! Get out of this initial survival mode!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Rayne, what would you do if she tells you she’s pregnant with OM’s child?

Bob


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

I have to get my head straight. When it comes to the W I have a hard time separating my feelings. She told me this morning that she wouldn't be with him until things are better with us. I am beginning to think she does see me as a P*ssy. I am in for so much hurt. God help me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Rayne said:


> She told me this morning that she wouldn't be with him until things are better with us.


What??


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Rayne said:


> I have to get my head straight. When it comes to the W I have a hard time separating my feelings. She told me this morning that she wouldn't be with him until things are better with us. I am beginning to think she does see me as a P*ssy. I am in for so much hurt. God help me.


you continue like this & soon she's gonna invite you for a 3some .


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

That makes no flipping sense at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

He's already had a threesome of sorts. If I've read his post correctly, she has been involved with the OM their entire marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rayne said:


> She told me this morning that she wouldn't be with him until things are better with us.


WTF?! And how did you respond?



pidge70 said:


> That makes no flipping sense at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it does. She sees her husband as a doormat who it's acceptable to make those sorts of statements too.

If you don't put your foot down today, you are in for a long long road, dear.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Jellybeans: I told her that She couldnt continue to see him ever again. This led to a huge fight. Name calling, throwing things etc. I left to cool off, when I got back she was gone. Looks like she took some stuff with her. I called her cell to see if she was all right, she did answer but i thought i heard a man's voice in the background. I know she is with the OM. Maybe it is time to see what my options are. I don't want to loose her but I don't want to share her either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

U said "maybe its time to see what my options are..." THERE IS NO MAYBE HERE. Dude this is. Crunch time. DO NOT AT ALL CALL HER ANYMORE OK? Let her pull her BS drama. Ur not in the wrong here...she is. What u do now sets the tonee for the future. Dooooo nooooot pursue her right now. When she comes back u need to tell her firmly thhat u won't live in an open marriage and if she's not down with that u are done. Then leave he house. Get. Lost...go visit family. Or a friend. U need to rattle her cgae. If u roll over now u will give her allll of the cards. Don't. Ur in a very good position right now believe it or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have options?
Why the f*ck are you worried if she's alright?
She is having sex with another man! Say that with me "she is having sex with another man"! 
She is connected to someone else, so there is no options. 

The dynamic of this marraige is gone and you are in pain. Please pick your self up and shake of the dirt that your wife has put on you and look at what you have become. Please!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude... this is gonna be hard to hear, but here goes- "STOP BEING A ***** AND MAN UP SON!" Its clear she has no intention of ending it with him. Now pick up your sack and move on- yeah... its hard but it can be done. I DID IT! So can you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Rayne, it is certainly easier for me to say this, but you need to expose her for what she is and file for divorce. You can always pull back if she comes around, if not, at least you are moving in a positive direction. You are not in a healthy position now. I wish you well.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

workindad said:


> Rayne, it is certainly easier for me to say this, but you need to expose her for what she is and file for divorce. You can always pull back if she comes around, if not, at least you are moving in a positive direction. You are not in a healthy position now. I wish you well.


NO..... you can never pull back. You can never contact her again. Let her speak to your attorney. She left, this is good. Let her have her boyfriend and when he cant pay the bills you can/do she will want to "talk about things" and you can tell her "I would, but I'm busy for the next 14,000 weekends, you're going to have to discuss it with my attorney". She actually had the audacity to call you her "rock" while saying he is exciting to her. Let me translate *****speak for you. "you pay all the bills, and I suck his penis until he ejaculates in my mouth. I want this arrangement to continue, so quiet down, and make sure my clothes are ironed."

Ronin


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

How DARE you tell your wife not to f*ck her boyfriend! 

Rayne, do you not see how ridiculous this is? And she threw things and left in a huff? Seriously, there is only one option, and that is to divorce this woman who has made your whole marriage a lie. She is so unrepentant and unremorseful she left because you did not want her to see her OM. 

She just wants you for the security of marriage, but wants to do her boyfriend porno style. Lawyer up on Monday! You will find a REAL WIFE, not this fake one who has just used you.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey R-----------let her go, and let her stay gone---she has a fight with you, and where does she run to---not parents, not friends, BUT HER FRICKIN LOVER

I do not know why you would even contemplate for one second, wanting to see her again, but if you do wanna attempt to save anything---you have to make her see what reality is like with him

There really is only one thing you can do---DRY HER UP FINANCIALLY

Put ALL financial assets in an acct., with ONLY your name on it---clear out any safe deposit box, cancel ALL CC's with her on them

Kick her out of the house---even tho you really can't enforce this--but go for it anyway---and demand half the mtg. payment---any vehicle she has, she pays its insurance, all gas, and maintenance, and car payments

take her off your medical insurance--------make sure she pays half of all utilities, and any other incoming bills

Take all her jewelery, and put it in a safe place under your keeping---tell her she can have it back if she wants to R., or when you are D., if she wants to R---that means her lover is gone as in NC



give her NO MONEY WHATSOEVER---to run to her lover and carry on with him----do all of this immediately---let her see what living on her own will be like---things will change for them quickly, as now they have to finance themselves

No more contact with her---no lovey--dovey, no mr. nice guy--- no I love you so much---(you need to explain to me how you can still love someone, who runs to her lover, and gives you sloppy 2nds)

If there must be contact--it is via E-Mail

Never again argue with her about anything---say what you have to say---AND WALK AWAY

Let her see what life will be like without you---as to putting D. on the table at this point, that is up to you---but do find out your options

Stand tall, and take no more of her dramatic BS


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How are you, Rayne?


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Jellybean: I am hanging in there. She's been gone for two days now. She did call but I ducked her call. She didn't even leave a message. 

jnj express: Our monies are already separated. We only have a joint account for bills.

I talked to an IC. It is good to talk to someone. She is really going to help me i think. I have another appointment tomorrow. 

On a side note her mom called me and we had a nice talk. She doesn't know how she became so selfish. (Me giving in to her all the time didn't help).


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Good luck and stay strong. Meet with the attorney and start working on that exit strategy. The only person you need to be a 'rock' for is you. 

Giver her the e-mail of your attorney and let her know that all e-mails to you come through them. Start packing up her things. 

Just take action dude. There is nothing more cathartic than making a plan and feeling like you have some control.

I know exactly what you mean about the selfishness and your contribution to it. I truly believe my wife would not have taken up with the OM if I had not given in to every demand she ever made and rolled over in every argument. 

Again...stay strong brother. You can get through this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you know where she is staying?

Don't call her at all or reach out to her. 

I would seriously go ahead and file for a sep. agreement. I know that sounds harsh but she has shown you who she is and the fact she's been gone w/o even saying a word speaks volumes. 

Don't hold her hand through this and don't give an inch. She has unilaterally decided the state of your marriage.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Do you know where she is staying?
> 
> Don't call her at all or reach out to her.
> 
> ...


She is staying with the OM. Her family won't but her up. I will talk to a lawyer soon.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh wow.

File immediately.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I have not been through a D, but have other legal issues and documentation was key. I would keep a journal with dates and times of issues like this in writing and yes... I would file as fast as possible also. Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

UFB


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

I just wanted to update everyone. 

She tried to get me to let her back in the house. I told her that she didn't live there anymore. She says she is ready to work on our marriage. She still won't talk to her. She did send me a lengthy email about her relationship with the OM. I didn't respond to it yet. She is leaving messages on my VM telling me she does love me Ect.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Set some conditions she must meet to return:


End all contact for life with OM
Complete Transparency with e-mail and phone passwords
She must tell you where she is going and call you when she gets there
Agree to go to individual counseling
Agree to go to marital counseling
 Agree to full disclosure about every aspect of the affair, as often as you want to hear it. 

If she fails to completely meet them, file for separation


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Cypress hit it exactly. Male sure cthe credit cards that are joint are killed. Don't let her back until she agrees to everything Cypress lists. The have hre write a letter to the OM that you see, there are NC letter examples on here. It must say she ending contact for life. Send it registered return receipt requested mail. Tell her if contatcs her again she must notify yu immediately and NOT talk to him. If tries contact more than once, tell her you will pull a restraining order on him. Is he married? Tell his wife if he is. Put the hammer down hard and donot back off or lighten up or she'll be right back at it.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

HA! Well guess what that means Rayne, plan A loverboy told her that she wasn't going to be living with him! Soooo, she is back to Plan B, her "Rock"!

Man, I know this must be hard but a bunch of people are reaching through the computer and shaking you into reality. You do seem to be seeing the light, it is hard! 

You will be OK when the dust settles. No more living a lie. Now please see a lawyer, put all her crap on the lawn and then get tested for VD. Stay strong!


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Update:

We had talk this morning. She told me "she loves me" but not in love with me. She said OM met her needs more than I did. She didn't mean to hurt me but she didn't want to stop seeing the OM. We agreed to end our "nightmare" (my term). She is officially moving out this weekend. I think I will find somewhere else to be. 

Am I a sucker??? Here I thought we might be able to work this out and still remained married, She used this as an opportunity to move on. Maybe she never felt the same as I did. God I hate this. What the hell do I do now??


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Rayne said:


> Update:
> 
> What the hell do I do now??


You move on with your life and take care of numero uno, yourself.

And for the love of GOD, DO NOT TAKE HER BACK EVER!!!!! EVER!!!!! EVER!!!!! If she comes back crying and saying she made a mistake. Too little too late at that point. You gave her the chance already and she threw it in your face.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

You figure out how you allowed yourself to be so thoroughly duped through individual counseling. Spend some time alone. Remember that when you get back out there, you will have no trouble. Good marriage-minded men are not so easy to find. Good job not drawing it out; it was a nightmare from the beginning but you didn't know it.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

Rayne, focus on you. It is hard to believe now, I guess, but you will be better off in the end.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What I did was,#1 stopped being managed by my cheating wife, #2 made a concious decision in what I wanted that made me happy, # 3 layed out a clear and unnegotiated term in what I wanted out of life.
As time goes by, it will become more about you and what you need to heal, and her BS will get clearer and clear and you will see that its all her and out of self preservation you will pull your self out of her craziness.
We can only take so much pain before our mind starts to protect us from their nonsense.
Please make the choice in what you need to be happy and stop empowering her in letting her influence your happiness.
This sh*t is subposed to be hard so when never forget what these bioches have taken from us.

Its not what knocks you down that counts, its how we get back up that matters.

She will never let you up if you go back!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hard 180. Lawyer up and file. She outright rubs the affair in your face, praises the OM, refuses to end it, and moves out so she can be with OM uninterrupted. You have no choice now. 

Yes you made a mistake, and that was marrying a woman who had never really gotten over her boyfriend. Unfortunately you were really just the rebound man, and then she went back to her boyfriend and basically now your whole marriage was a lie. She admitted to have been seeing him all along. She used you. There is no marriage to save. Nothing to work out. Her heart belongs to her boyfriend/OM that she loved before you. 

You need to divorce her ASAP because this is what I think may happen in the future. After living with him a while, she will realize why this man is an EX boyfriend, and why you have been the better choice. They will fight. She will be miserable. Then she will come crawling back to you. Because you love her so much, you will take her back. Then she will start missing him again and one of them will start to fish, and she will start seeing him again. Wash, rinse, repeat. This will go on for years, and you will be in for years of agony and suffering.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

My STBXW came over tonight. She wanted to return some stuff of mine that was mixed in with hers. Inside was an envelope with $1200 dollars an a note. She repaid money she borrowed from me to spend on the OM. :scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It looks like some one just found the lawyers retainer fee.That was nice of her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rayne said:


> My STBXW came over tonight. She wanted to return some stuff of mine that was mixed in with hers. Inside was an envelope with $1200 dollars an a note. She repaid money she borrowed from me to spend on the OM. :scratchhead:


That doesn't begin to cover the 4 years of your life that you wasted on her. 

In this way, she's still rubbing the affair in your face by repaying this money by showing she doesn't owe you anything more. Even though she pretty much took 4 years of your life from you. And you can't put a price tag on that.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> That doesn't begin to cover the 4 years of your life that you wasted on her.
> 
> In this way, she's still rubbing the affair in your face by repaying this money by showing she doesn't owe you anything more. Even though she pretty much took 4 years of your life from you. And you can't put a price tag on that.


I didn't think of it like that. It was just out of the blue.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I do think it was like that. She's attempting to clear her own pathetic conscience. She just bought you off by _returning_ $1200 thatr she took from you in the first place. Nice. 
I'm sick with disgust for this woman.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Had a bad night last night. Every time I see her I get upset. I need to go with NC.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You need to go beyond NC; you need to go with served papers!

Wash the caked-on mud on your back from her using you as a doormat for so long, although there seems to be a fresh layer on, too. Seriously. Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see, Mr Nice Guy? She doesn't.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Spend the 1200 on something fun for yourself if you can. Don't know the leagl situation, but if you cash it and keep it in an account, maybe she'll just get it back in the D? 

If it was a check make sure it cashes before spending it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hey Rayne
I have just caught up with your thread.
This looks horribly familiar to my experience. She refused to end the affair so I kicked her out, packed her stuff, made her take it away. split money, made parenting plans. All the time hoping she would wake up. 

She sent me long rambling emails about how she loved me but not in love with me. How she had to save a part of herself.. 
I was married for over 25years and this was the first time I have ever had my heart broken. It broke, like everyone here, into a million pieces.

You have been given the only advice that is going to save you. You are in agony and the only way out of that agony is to accept that she DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Ok. So there you are. The nasty truth. 

No Contact is hard to start with but you will start to see that you are worth so much more than the poor excuse for love that you have received. Please let her go as fast as you can. That is what the 180 is for. DO IT.

As you do this and get out a bit people will see you as you and guess what ,you are an attractive person and you will be shocked by the speed at which you will connect with women who actually like you! You will see what we are seeing and be repulsed by your own wife.

I no longer want to even see my Ex. I have to because we have kids. You don't so 
Let Her Go..


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

ing said:


> Hey Rayne
> I have just caught up with your thread.
> This looks horribly familiar to my experience. She refused to end the affair so I kicked her out, packed her stuff, made her take it away. split money, made parenting plans. All the time hoping she would wake up.
> 
> ...


Does this sh#t come from a manual???? MSTBXW said almost the exact same thing.  I am sorry you had to go thru this as well. I am know what I have to do either end it or allow her to walk over me. I am NOT a door mat. I don't want to be the runner up anymore. God give me strength.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

She was in the house when I got off work. She was here to "check on me." She was afraid I'd hurt myself. I told her she wasn't worth it. This led to a screaming match. The neighbors called the cops. When they came she told them I was keeping her out of "our" house. Since she did do a change of address she no longer lived there. They asked me if I wanted to press charges for trespassing. :rofl: I told them I just wanted her gone. She did leave. I just changed the locks. 

I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday. I need to know what is next?? any advice??? 

It also seems that the friends that know what is going on are very supportive. My best friend never thought that I would wake up. There is hope after all.

God give me strength.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Legal separation agreement with mortgage and home expenses that were cosigned together split in half. Separate all financials, kill the joint credit cards and get new ones in your name only. Notify the three credit bureaus - Experien, Trans Union, Equifax that you are separated and want a fraud alert on your accounts notifying any new credit apps that they are separate - yours or hers but never joint. Clean out the accounts. Let the court split it later - you will need whats there to make joint payments. Keep track of all joint payments and what is in the accounts when you closed them. If there is a car signed joint that is hers, call the bank and tell them you want your name removed. I saw nothing about kids. Don't, what ever you do, screw her. You don't need STDs or the possibility that she gets pregnant and it's questionable as to whose it is. In fact write down the last time you did.

When you see the lawyer, ask him if he will do a negotiated settlement with the two of you for D. It's far cheaper than two attorneys. If you own a home, call a realtor and see if there will anything after sale. You may be upside down on the mortgage. Make sure she doesn't have any access to your retirement accounts. Separate all online, phone and other accounts. Figure out what she owes on them. Close all you can.

In other words, slam the door financially before she cleans you out.

Let the lawyer sort it out when you see him, but be prepared with all the info. DO these things NOW.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Progress!


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

Do the 180 - no contact, no affection, no meeting any of her needs. That will hopefully shake her from the fog enough to make the choice - whatever it is, reconciliation or divorce, it'll be painful, but at least you'll know where you're at.

Hasn't she asked herself why her ex hadn't married her?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

DoveInTheMud said:


> Hasn't she asked herself why her ex hadn't married her?


She probably has, but she thinks the same way many waywards do: she likes to cake eat. She wants the security of marriage that Rayne provides, but she wants to have fun and live it up with her longtime boyfriend. In other words she wants Rayne to finance her fun and sex with her boyfriend. Her longtime boyfriend apparently is not good enough to marry, but good enough to screw.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

This really sucks. She called my mom asking for help. Her car broke down and she needed a ride. My mom wouldn't help her out. She told my STBXW to call me. Thanks Mom...

I told her to call :2gunsfiring_v1: OM. She blew up at me saying I am her "husband". I am suppose to care for her. ETC. I hung on her. I wanted to run to her aid....I still feel for her. She called me back after she got everything straightened out, seems the OM was unavailable. Found out he was passed out drunk on the couch. Boy she is really getting a winner with him. I have a job, he is unemployed. I have a car, he can't get his fixed. He is a loser. 

God give me strength.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just stick to your guns-----I don't know if you are even thinking of a possible R, but all of a sudden your cheating wife is discovering the grass is not greener, it is a dirty shade of brown---she is beginning to see some reality with him, where there was just fantasy before---she is now looking at being divorced, and single, and out there on her own, and I imagine it is scaring her shi*less---just stick to your guns, and hold your line----see how it all plays out---but no matter what do not let her manipulate you in any way shape or manner


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its amazing how a few days can clear your thinking, but her thinking keeps deteriorating away.
Her statement can totaly show you the mind set she has.
I mean can't you see how she thought about the marriage all along?
She totaly got a husband to take care of her...I mean thats fine but when they leave for OM and still think your still going to take care of them...man it just shows how screwed up it all is.

Rayne- It sound like you are making some progress and God will give you strength, he has a special place for guys like you. You will get rewarded and happiness will find its way back to you.

For now you have your struggles, but with out struggles there are no rewards. Stay strong!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rayne said:


> I told her to call :2gunsfiring_v1: OM. She blew up at me saying I am her "husband". I am suppose to care for her. ETC. I hung on her. I wanted to run to her aid....I still feel for her. She called me back after she got everything straightened out, seems the OM was unavailable. Found out he was passed out drunk on the couch. Boy she is really getting a winner with him. I have a job, he is unemployed. I have a car, he can't get his fixed. He is a loser.
> 
> God give me strength.


It's not surprising the way she and other WWs think. Like I said, she wants the good, steady man to take care of her, yet she will sh!t on him by screwing the loser ex-boyfriend. She's been seeing him all along, yet this loser can't get off his drunk @ss and get a job. 

She is going to realize why he was an EX in the first place and should have remained an EX. 

Just stay strong, you will find a woman who won't do you like this. In the end, you can laugh at her and tell her "You ruined our marriage for this loser? lol" She can have him, and he can have her.


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

I got this in the mail today...

My dearest Rayne,
It feels like a different lifetime when we first came to know each other. We were both so young and naïve, full of starry romance and innocence in our eyes. But in all that innocence, there is one decision which I never regret taking — getting married to you.
There were so many problems that we faced before our marriage and even go through ups and downs now. But I always admired your strength and integrity and I love you for the man you are. I am so proud to be your wife and I promise that I will always be there for you no matter what, good or bad, we go through in this life. You made all my dreams come true and thank you for that.
You made me complete. It was you Rayne, that was there when I needed you. Your understanding will guide us thru this ordeal. 
There are few men who can make their beloved feel like a queen. You are definitely one of them.
With all my love,
wife

I am at a lose...I really think she is just tormenting me. I am really sick of this. This isnt what I expected. I let her go so she could have who she wanted. Now i am starting to doubt myself again. 

I meet with an attorney on Monday to see what my options were. I have a lot of reading to do,plans to make. 

God give me Strength.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

That's such a nice note---where is the part of it tho---that states how she thought you were a POS, and that she could treat you like a POS, by lying, conniving, manipulating, decieving, etc, etc.---destroying you by taking up with a strange man?????

Where are those words in her nice little note

She wants back in---she knows she has frigged up, and she is now facing life on her own, and all of a sudden REALITY HAS LIT UP HER LIFE---

She now "gets it"-----but what about you---what do you "get" out of this---a wrecked mge., wrecked family, wrecked heart, wrecked soul, probably you will never really trust a woman the rest of your life---If you do stay with this woman---you are facing, NO TRUST, ALWAYS LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER, ALWAYS WONDERING, PLAYING PAROLE OFFICER---is that what you want for a future---and if you stay with her---that is what you are looking at for the REST OF YOUR LIFE


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

After you drop a bomb you can't whistle it back.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rayne said:


> I am at a lose...I really think she is just tormenting me. I am really sick of this. This isnt what I expected. I let her go so she could have who she wanted. Now i am starting to doubt myself again.
> 
> I meet with an attorney on Monday to see what my options were. I have a lot of reading to do,plans to make.
> 
> God give me Strength.


She's fishing Rayne, plain and simple. She's writing all these flowery words in order to keep you on the hook and be her back up, that way she can run back to you when she wants to, or whenever her and OM have an argument. Think about it:

1. Where in the letter does she admit that she's sorry for seeing her ex boyfriend the ENTIRE time of your marriage?

2. Where in the letter does she apologize for taking responsibility for screwing this OM during the entire period of your marriage?

3. Where does she even apologize at all?

4. Where in the letter does she mention of trying to fix what she did wrong?

Absolutely none of that Rayne. You were the nice guy she wanted to marry because her boyfriend is a sh!tbag loser. She wants the stability you provide, but she reserves her fun self for this OM she's been seeing all along. She gives everything to him that she won't share with you. I'm sure you don't want to live like that. You deserve a wife that is devoted only to you, that shares her body and mind only with you. That's what marriage is. 

Yes, *you made her feel like a queen, but in return, she treated you like a toad.* Remember that.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

H.O.L.Y. .......F.u.(.K!

I am speechless at this thread.

Ok. Maybe not.

Rayne. Yes, there is a manual. It's surprising how DSes all act and say exactly the same thing. That is why a lot of people here are giving you the same advise....get out!

A lot of us have been here too. It all looks familiar to us. 

Yes, her note was fishing. You are her support cheque. Her stability. That's the only reason she sent that note. Life with the EX isn't looking too rosy at the moment, but you held all that comfort of stability. She wants that back. And...as soon as she hooks you....she will be right back with the EX in days. This is all textbook.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

List your requirements and boundaries for R and tell her your done until she is in 1000%. Otherwise quit calling, emailing, etc. She is fishing, hit it again with the hard reality of what you expect then don't contact again. SOmetimes it takes a few bullets in the head for crack addict to realize they are hurting themselves


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

It's been 34 days since d-day. 

Today I start to separate things. I took the stbx off my car insurance, credit cards, and I canceled our cell phone plan. I was looking back at the past 4 years and I see that there were signs all along. I feel like a fool for not seeing it sooner. The thing that gets me the most is that there were people,friends and family that knew something was wrong but didn't tell me.

I also looked at my "wife" with a new perspective. All the things she did that I thought were out of love were just to keep me hooked on the line. Chalk that on trusting someone completely. 

She has left messages for me. Wants to R. Will give up OM and return home(lucky me  ). I might have given R a chance but after reading some of the e-mails etc. I know that she married me for the lifestyle I provided her with. 

I feel used and pissed off, but there are days when i wake up and reach for her without thinking. I think a part of me wants her back and a part wants to cast her to the wind. 

I have been thinking of what the OM has that I don't. I want to ask her but am afraid of the response. I would like to kick the sh!t out of the OM for destroying me. 

Are these feelings normal? Has anyone else whose W/H cheated on them felt the need to talk to the OM/OW? 

God give me strength.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Rayne
I'm sorry your wife is still seeing OM. It would have been alot better if she stated that she *has* left the OM, but she just doesn't get it. WTF..." *will* leave the OM"

Your feelings are normal. I went through them all (for what its worth)
I had no reason to contact the OM, my wife did it infront of me on d-day. It seems you are heading in the direction to bail on the marriage any way. Contacting him....what ..get your wife back when you don't even want her any more?

I think contacting him will give you just a small and short feeling of saticifaction. If you have to contact him do it face to face. your satisfaction may last a little long ...especially if he runs from you

I can see how some guys need to contact OM so as to make the affair uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. Letting the OM and other know that you want there support in working on the marriage.

Or if hes married and the OM has alot to lose then you blackmail him into stopping the affair.

But to contact him and tell him that he broke up a marrige...well he'll say it was already over. You can tell him how broken you are, but he just might laugh. You can just tell him to rot in hell, then he'll just tell your wife and then who knows what?
Bottom line, what do you want to acheive by contacting OM....just to let him know the obvious? It could go bad, I'm talking RO and harassment charges.... IDK


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Rayne said:


> It's been 34 days since d-day.
> 
> Today I start to separate things. I took the stbx off my car insurance, credit cards, and I canceled our cell phone plan. I was looking back at the past 4 years and I see that there were signs all along. I feel like a fool for not seeing it sooner. The thing that gets me the most is that there were people,friends and family that knew something was wrong but didn't tell me.
> 
> ...


It seems reality is starting to hit her hard. That she preferred the "bad boy" loser to the good guy is hard to swallow. I know. The fact that this has gone on your entire marriage, makes the marriage a lie. First she said that there was nothing wrong with what she is doing - total disrespect, and she says she's been seeing him all along -making the entire marriage a lie, when you told her to go NC with OM, she yells, she destroys property, then leaves to be with OM. 

I can see the possibility for R if she truly loved you for year, but then reconnected with her ex boyfriend and had this affair. But not when she only married you for financial reasons and has been screwing this OM the whole marriage. Its difficult to see how R is possible when the entire marriage has been a lie.



Rayne said:


> I feel used and pissed off, but there are days when i wake up and reach for her without thinking. I think a part of me wants her back and a part wants to cast her to the wind.


The emotional roller coaster sucks doesn't it? This is completely normal until you detach from her. 



Rayne said:


> I have been thinking of what the OM has that I don't. I want to ask her but am afraid of the response. I would like to kick the sh!t out of the OM for destroying me.


You and me both. The reality is that he doesn't really have anything that you didn't have. It's because it was mostly a fantasy. He could be there for her, to sweet talk her, provide her the shoulder to cry on, all because he wasn't the one who married her and was living with her. There really is only one thing that he had going for him: He has a longer history with her than you. Yet she married you instead of him because in reality, he's a loser. Try to stop thinking about him. You're the superior man, and good men who are financially stable, loyal, and faithful, are hard to find. You have a lot more to offer than this this loser and many women would love to have a husband like you.



Rayne said:


> Are these feelings normal? Has anyone else whose W/H cheated on them felt the need to talk to the OM/OW?
> 
> God give me strength.


Yes, those feelings are normal. I've tried to do that myself. Both OM, from my first marriage, and this marriage, never had the courage to even speak to me. From what I've read about other people's stories, it would do no good. It's up to you, but you already know that he's a loser who lays on the couch passed out drunk and can't get a job. Does he live with his parents?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Lol @ Mayhem.
Yes, the OM in my case was out of work and lived with his parents.
And is also a coward too 
I'm better than this s**/ and you are too Rayne. Financially I'm average at best, but have put a roof over our heads and food in the kids mouths. 
Kicking the s**/ out of the OM still pops into my head at times, but it's not worth the police and jail time. Besides the kids need a strong daddy in their lives. Be strong Rayne.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Rayne: no matter how many times she contacts you keep dark, do not engage with her. She need to sink to the bottom of the cesspool before she smells it, then when she does she will realize her mistake. A future with you is no longer her decision, but yours and your alone.

As for the OM she can have him, if he is such a great catch she would have married him, the penny is dropping now she wants to come back to you. Laugh him off you are by far the better man.

I would however suggest you don't read to much into your past relationship with her as the things she did for you may have been genuine. In an affair men and woman often do love their spouses but are addicted to the affair, it is like being addicted to crack, they need the s&*t to sustain them in their false world. 

This is a journey, you have no children the risks are low. It does not take away the pain you are feeling but it frees you from the source.

The only way this can ever start to recover is if she on her own cognisance dumps the OM and does her everything to evidence she loves you and is prepared to affair proof herself. I suspect from your words she is no where near that stage and may never be.

The financial advice offered by previous posters is sound, follow it and protect yourself.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I've tried to get in touch with him, but he doesn't answer. I don't actually want to talk either, I just want to pull his spleen out through his mouth... and he knows this. I'll catch up to him sooner or later though, and watch the fireworks show.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

In hindsight, I also realize that there were red-flags all over the place. Was it that we were just in denial, or that we were still trusting our spouses loyalty and fidelity? I flip-flop on this issue depending on the mood I'm in.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What did the scum loser have that you didn't---ABSOLUTELY NOTHING-----call if chemistry in her case---he was a bad boy---you were mr. nice guy---all nice guys lose, unless their partners have enuff maturity to know what is right, and what is wrong----your wife lacks a lot of things, starting with maturity

IMHO---get your D.---if you find you can't live w/out her, for some strange reason----you can always hook-up with her after the D.

Hopefully she will have come to grips with reality, have matured, have gotten rid of her need for bad boys, and she might then make a decent spouse---right now she is not worth staying with


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

a-
I thinks it mostly denial. I could have stopped my chicks crap 13 years ago but chose to ignore it then that turned into just not giving a damb.
13 years ago I believe I lost the trust and as years went by it was just pure denial. Im still not sure if it was denail in having a marriage though.

Not facing the issue's...thinking about it I believe looking at all the red flags would have been an attempt to face the issue, denail seemed easier.

I see way back when...when I did make my bete male attempt on confronting her I got the whole "your being controlling" line and a switch went off in my head. I emotional left my cheating wife. hell I wasn't going to control her, control the bills, control my kids, I just bailed. I mean I showed up for bed and left for work, but man.........wow where'd all this come from?

Sorry for the threadjack.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Now, You do realize that it's your job to keep a eye on her. If it was me, every time she started to date. I would put a packet of info for the other guy to read about what happened to you. Yes, I know sounds mean. I just think that she needs to live alone for 10 years or so. I would also mess with her, every day of my life, everything from calling everybody she knows at work, home, school. ETC... I would print out every email and every bit of info on it. She will not get away with it. Can I ask you something about her childhood. Was it bad, I mean what could happen to a girl, to make them so, so mess up in the head. I ask this because my wife always says, it comes from there raising as a kid. I say it has to do with life later on. Like spoiling when you are married (nice guy gives to much in the end, she walks all over you) what do you think ?


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

I wanted to check in and give an update. 
She moved out of the OM's house. They had a fight and he hit her. She called the cops and he was arrested. She had no where to go so I decided to help her out. She wanted to move back in...I put her up in a motel for a week until she could find a place of her own. I know I maybe a fool for helping her but I just couldn't let her be without a place to stay. 

We did talk the night after their fight. I asked her why she did this to me. (call me an idiot but I felt I needed to know.) In her eyes a man is suppose to be the leader,protector,and provider. I failed in this. I always thought of marriage as a partnership, not a dictatorship. She wanted a strong man. Said I was weak at times. She told me she thought that she would learn to love me. I guess that love is truly blind. I see her in a new light. The woman I married never existed. Only in my mind. I know there will never be R. She doesn't want any part of it. She did say she will agree to whatever D settlement I come up with.

After our talk she went to the motel. I got drunk. I have the feeling she has ruined my ability to trust any one. I don't think I will be letting any other women get close to me. I see alot of loneliness in my future. I don't think I will be updating any more. seems like I will live on in this hell I call my life.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Strike while the iron is hot! Get it written up and done with. Good luck in moving forward.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Rayne, seems like she is still in the fog, she has probably rewritten your marital history in her head and is seeing things as worse than they really were, so she can justify her cheating. It's great that you didn't take her back in, she needs to experience the reality of life without you and the comforts you provide.

You are right, marriage should be a partnership and not a dictatorship. Just a pity she couldn't appreciate that, I know there are plenty of women out there who would. Just start concentrating on yourself now, there will be a new and better life out there for you after all this. *Hugs*.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Rayne,

It is heartbreaking to see how quickly and bluntly these events are unfolding for you.

Many other men are learning these same lessons, and for your sharing your own travels, their own road may be less hazardous. For that I want to thank you.

The notion of partnership, that is indeed a big pitfall that our generation of men will have to navigate.

For yourself, I hope you give yourself time to heal, and not take blame for your wife's behavior. You already own what you need to own, and do not hesitate to do what you believe is right, your eyes are wide open now.

And in the future, after time for yourself, whether to ever let a woman get close to you, if so it will be much easier for you to keep future relationships on your own terms, and for your own happiness, in this a much finer and healthier balance.

But these tings will work out in their own time, now is the time to take care of yourself.


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## queenb13 (Jul 2, 2011)

Its not your fault! You have to decide what is your self worth. every one deserves to be loved and respected. She has failed to do both. I suggest that you separate, work on you and strengthen yourself.Go to counseling alone, and do not make any decisions regarding divorce until you are sure of what you want. Then DO You!


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

I wanted to update those who have been so kind to offer advice. I am managing. My wife has filed for dissolution. I guess I was moving to slow for her. Looking back on this I realize we were to different to really work. She needs an "alpha" man. That is something I am not. I maybe a "beta" but I am not a doormat. I wonder do I need to change for a woman to respect me? What kind of man do women really want? 

I goto IC once a week to work on my issues arising from all this. I sometimes second guess myself. If only I had been more of a real man my STBX would have seen me in a different light. She sends me emails telling me to move on and man up. She is still belittling me. I just want to be happy. Seems such a long time since I was. Funny how life is sometimes.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I am sorry things worked out the way they did for you. Do yourself a favor, next time she "needs" your help, let her deal with it herself. She has shown you who she really is now. You will be just fine one day and find someone truly worthy of you. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

For the love of Pete, don't take her crap!! If you are ready to move on, tell her off! Be stong!


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

Hi all! I havent been on for a while and wanted to tell all those who gave me advice (here and in private messages) Thanks. I have been doing great. I have been working on myself. Both mentally and psychically. My now ex-wife is back with the a-hole but that doesnt bother me now. I am happy and glad to be done with the drama. There are times that I miss her but those times are becoming fewer. To those who are going thru this remember that there are those here that know what they are talking bout. Listen, learn and be strong.

Rayne


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