# Low self-esteem, and self loathing



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I would do anything to feel good inside. I wish I could feel like the smart, successful, pretty women I am. But all I feel is like a victim, like a loser that no one wants and no one can love. I feel like a child desperately needing to be loved. It's pathetic. I hope this will pass. I'm trying to fake it till I make it but sometimes it just gets too hard.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I need to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself but it's hard.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Are you seeing an ic? I struggle as well, but you just have to keep going. You'll have days where you'll think everything is going ok and then the next moment you'll feel like a worthless piece of ****. Soon those times will happen less and less. Do you work out? The endorphins help.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I used to know a very famous comedian who had sell-out gigs and had a theatre full of people crying laughing and leaving feeling happier than when they arrived.

After gigs we would go for drinks and boy was he hard on himself. When we (friends) were in a good mood because of the comedy, he was thrashing himself with self doubt and nit-picking his performance. He basically thought he sucked and would take a tiny mistake or fluffed line and beat himself into the ground. He really brought the mood down. Eventually he pushed us all away because we were unable to reassure him enough.
He couldn't see what we could see - a talented, handsome, lovable person. 

So I think many people who are perfectly skilled, likeable, lovable people who do not believe what is in front of their very eyes. I think it may go back to being overly criticized as children. My friend used to do a comedy routine where his dad used to berate him for not being able to move an upright piano at the age of 10 and that his artwork would not go on the fridge because it was '****'. The way he told it was funny, but I wonder if it actually happened. 

Best wishes x


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I need to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself but it's hard.


I know you are in pain considering but time is a wonderful healer and something will come along that will make your pain something of the distant past. Keep your chin up girl, you can get through this and come out stronger and wiser....


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

You sound absolutely lovely. Your STBX is an ungrateful man and above all STUPID. If I had a spouse who, like you, reflected so much on yourself and your actions, looking to others for advice as well as taking on others' problems and helping them... I would hold on you TIGHT with superglue and never let you go. 

Was your STBX an amazingggg boyfriend at first and so charming that you saw him as perfect and he could do no wrong? Too many great actors out there sigh. I literally don't know how people can portray themselves as one ideal for so long when in reality they may be the opposite. Perhaps I am too naive, I am an open book after all.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Been there before. You need to work on yourself. If you do not cook, learn to cook. If you do not exercise, go to the gym. If you do not have a hobby, join Meetup and find some hobbies. If you do not read, get a Kindle or tablet and read some books from Amazon on finding yourself and learning more about yourself.

That's what I've done. It has helped immensely.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I would do anything to feel good inside. I wish I could feel like the smart, successful, pretty women I am. But all I feel is like a victim, like a loser that no one wants and no one can love. I feel like a child desperately needing to be loved. It's pathetic. I hope this will pass. I'm trying to fake it till I make it but sometimes it just gets too hard.


What can we do to help?

Advice is cheap. But you have heard it all. 

Where are you in your marriage? I believe you are separated.

Have the divorce papers been filed? If so, how long till you are free again?
..............................................................
Bring us up *to date*.

Oops, that did not sound good! :grin2:


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> I would do anything to feel good inside. I wish I could feel like the smart, successful, pretty women I am. But all I feel is like a victim, like a loser that no one wants and no one can love. I feel like a child desperately needing to be loved. It's pathetic. I hope this will pass. I'm trying to fake it till I make it but sometimes it just gets too hard.


Have you told us about your FOO?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Have you told us about your FOO?




What's FOO?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

family of origin, FOO


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is hard. You loved someone and it ended really rough. That takes a while to get through. 

Plenty of guys are going to want to marry you.





katiecrna said:


> I need to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself but it's hard.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MEM2020 said:


> It is hard. You loved someone and it ended really rough. That takes a while to get through.
> 
> Plenty of guys are going to want to marry you.


I'm sure that's true.

But, she needs to love herself more than they do. And, she needs to go first.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

I am sorry to hear you suffer from low self esteem. I feel very similar, try to stay positive and find the good things in all situations. 

Oh, and I have no clue what "family of origin" means, are martians in need of special treatment?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ruffneckred said:


> I am sorry to hear you suffer from low self esteem. I feel very similar, try to stay positive and find the good things in all situations.
> 
> Oh, and I have no clue what "family of origin" means, are martians in need of special treatment?


It's actually not that complicated.

It's shorthand for how was your relationship with your mother, father, and siblings.

Rather than be glib about it, it's actually quite important in the development of an adult human.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> Have you told us about your FOO?




I have two nice parents that are still married. There is no divorce in my family. Yes I have issues from childhood which to no surprise is that I feel unloved. And of course I carry that to my marriage and I easily become co-dependent.

I am actually very self aware of my issues. But I have this rational side of my brain and the emotional side and I always favor emotional. My feelings over take my rational side. I have low self esteem.... I know why, and I know I shouldn't but I can't help how I FEEL even if I can talk rationally to myself if that makes sense. 

It's become who I am. It's like a homosexual can talk to themselves and say that choosing to live a heterosexual life is easier or whatever. And whether or not they choose that lifestyle doesn't matter Bc they will always FEEL homosexual even if they are sleeping with the opposite sex. I can act confident, and I can rationally know that I have self worth and I deserve to be treated a certain way but the reality is I am just a little girl inside dying to be loved and FEEL loved.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Another reason why I have low self esteem is because I have ADHD and didn't find a good treatment/ successful way to deal with it for a long time. So I did really bad in school for many years and was publicly humiliated at school because of it. Me being stupid and "below" people was something that I accepted a long time ago and lived it out over and over again.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Another reason why I have low self esteem is because I have ADHD and didn't find a good treatment/ successful way to deal with it for a long time. So I did really bad in school for many years and was publicly humiliated at school because of it. Me being stupid and "below" people was something that I accepted a long time ago and lived it out over and over again.


Where's your happy place?


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

I've dealt with very very low self-esteem and still do, it's a bit better, I at least allow myself to accept that I've been successful in some facets of my life and I do have a few talents. But the absolute self-hatred I've had in my life has been crippling.

What has helped me, albeit a little, I went from a 1 self-esteem to a manageable 4-5 is self-talk. Shad Helmstetter wrote a good book on it "what to say when you talk to yourself". You will feel stupid doing it, and images of Stuart Smalley's Daily Affirmations will pour through your head. But it's about reprogramming your subconscious mind. Right now it's been poisoned and program with bad ****, self-talk helps reverse it.

No worse feeling than low self-esteem and low self-worth, a terrible marriage and a ****ty spouse will make it worse and confirm to you all the ****ty crap you think about yourself anyway.

It's funny people on the outside think I'm confident, even cocky, but I've always dealt with self-doubt and very low self-esteem.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Katiecrna, I have read several of your posts on other threads and the advice you gives seems to be very rational and functional. Take some of that advice and use it on yourself. You do have gifts that I would love to have if I was married to you. They would be much appreciated and returned the best way I knew how. 

I know hurts experienced during childhood can last a lifetime. Find a picture of yourself as a child and make a promise to be your own (girl in the picture) champion. 

Several years ago I took myself (age 12 in the picture) to a place that served milkshakes and pretended to be my favorite uncle making the 12 year old feel special. I also had a crappy bicycle I thought was special back then. Now i have 3 really good bicycles and when I ride them, the 12 year old in me is having some real fun. 

It is never too late to treat that 12 year old in you better today than when you were actually 12. BTW, I am now over 70 but feel like a happy 12 yr old that has a Rolls-Royce for a bicycle.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Handy said:


> Katiecrna, I have read several of your posts on other threads and the advice you gives seems to be very rational and functional. Take some of that advice and use it on yourself. You do have gifts that I would love to have if I was married to you. They would be much appreciated and returned the best way I knew how.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it.


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## Kelly h (Aug 31, 2017)

I just joined on. Sorry. I have always suffered from low self esteem and self worth. From my parents. Waited until I was 33 to get married and lived at home until that moment. After almost 24 years, he bought a sports car, called me and told me he wasn't coming back. He went to live in a previous state where he works and we lived prior. Since then I've been a downward spiral. The ultimate was falling back and hitting my head on concrete. Now I need surgery on my left arm and hand. Still in pain. He won't see me nor talk to me unless itt's about the divorce which will be in March. When I fell, my best friend called him to which his reply was "Unless she's in critical condition, I don't want to know." I love him, miss him and want to try. There was no communication and I would love to go to a marriage counselor. We never tried. He came and went as he pleased. He has other interests than what I enjoy. Oh, my Mom and I moved and she's been living with us since my dad passed away almost 10 years ago. First, he said it was fine. Now he says he felt like a slave between my Mom and I (I've had 6 spinal surgeries). In fact, he now has a tatoo with shackles which are open. Tells that he feels nothing for me. I cry everyday. Thank you for letting me speak and I apologize again for the length.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Kelly h said:


> I just joined on. Sorry. I have always suffered from low self esteem and self worth. From my parents. Waited until I was 33 to get married and lived at home until that moment. After almost 24 years, he bought a sports car, called me and told me he wasn't coming back. He went to live in a previous state where he works and we lived prior. Since then I've been a downward spiral. The ultimate was falling back and hitting my head on concrete. Now I need surgery on my left arm and hand. Still in pain. He won't see me nor talk to me unless itt's about the divorce which will be in March. When I fell, my best friend called him to which his reply was "Unless she's in critical condition, I don't want to know." I love him, miss him and want to try. There was no communication and I would love to go to a marriage counselor. We never tried. He came and went as he pleased. He has other interests than what I enjoy. Oh, my Mom and I moved and she's been living with us since my dad passed away almost 10 years ago. First, he said it was fine. Now he says he felt like a slave between my Mom and I (I've had 6 spinal surgeries). In fact, he now has a tatoo with shackles which are open. Tells that he feels nothing for me. I cry everyday. Thank you for letting me speak and I apologize again for the length.




I'm so sorry what a terrible person he is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I would do anything to feel good inside. I wish I could feel like the smart, successful, pretty women I am. But all I feel is like a victim, like a loser that no one wants and no one can love. I feel like a child desperately needing to be loved. It's pathetic. I hope this will pass. I'm trying to fake it till I make it but sometimes it just gets too hard.


Hang in there. I have been consistently impressed by you myself. You strike me as very introspective and will make the right husband a great wife. This is a **** time in your life. Are you divorcing or not? If you are you need to get it over with. 

This is just a hard time in your life. Please don't give up. Your character is going to be attractive to the right man. 

Seriously Katie, trust me. There is a guy out there right now praying to find a women just like you. Just hold on, you are going to come back to this post in three years and mention this post.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I am right there with you. It is hard to deal with low self esteem. Even though I am told constantly by others how much of a catch I am it doesn't matter. I struggle to get out of that rutt too. Having validation from strangers of the opposite sex is the only thing that has helped me ease the pain and calm the anxiety of not meeting someone special again. Hang in there.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Hang in there. I have been consistently impressed by you myself. You strike me as very introspective and will make the right husband a great wife. This is a **** time in your life. Are you divorcing or not? If you are you need to get it over with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I will get divorced. I literally have no money right now. The job I'm working at pays monthly which is crazy annoying. I just want to move out of my parents right now and get my ducks in a row and feel sort of together, then I'll get a lawyer and start the process.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I will get divorced. I literally have no money right now. The job I'm working at pays monthly which is crazy annoying. I just want to move out of my parents right now and get my ducks in a row and feel sort of together, then I'll get a lawyer and start the process.


It has been in my experience (being a little older then you and have been married 14 years) transitioning is probably the hardest thing to do in life. It is also one of the most painful emotionally. Uncertainty is difficult for most people, but you also strike me as a type A want everything to be organized and perfect type (my wife is like that). So having all this uncertainty in your life probably continues to make you feel out of sorts, maybe even like a failure. Besides that you are dealing with the fallout from the loss of your marriage. One of the great lessons I had to learn after my PTSD (which I have spoken about here and you can find info on f you look through my posts, if you don't know) was that one of the ways to deal with the uncertainty is to identify why you are feeling that way and accept that this it's OK to feel that way. Kinda like when you have a cold or something. You just have to suffer through it, but if you know why you are suffering and can use your mind to think logically about it Just identifying this you will do better with it. The way you feel right now is makes sense for where you are today, but give yourself permission to hope and believe that this is only a temporary state. IT IS only a temporary state. It's going to get better I promise. 

One other thing. You are very introspective and seem like a deep mindful person. There are men out there who will find this incredibly attractive. I suggest you look for men who are the same way. So in saying that I have to say I think your rules about not dating a man who is a gamer really hurts you. I know this seems like a little thing to even bring up but I wonder what other rules you might have that are also hurting you. In many ways the type of person who likes to figure things out, like in these games is going to be introspective and probably a good fit for you. Your husband was an achiever it seems, what would be thought of from that outside as a Type A, alpha male. However that is a different type of person and one who doesn't fit you in my opinion. Maybe you thought of him as an intellectual but doesn't sound like he is deep enough to be these things. Guys like your husband are better off marring women who are more interested in being married to them because of their achievements. Meaning women who really care more about being married to a surgeon so they can say and get satisfaction from the idea of being married to a surgeon. Think politicians wife, sports stars wife that kind of thing. 

That isn't you, you need a guy who is deep. But I wonder if you pursued your husband because you are attracted to those achievements superficially. Some of your comments have had me thinking you think that way in the past. I think you should broaden your choices, because a guys who is really interested in having a good communicative marriage with his wife, who that is really his number one priority is probably not going to be the one whose career and status are as important to him. Everyone of your posts screams to me you want a communicative man who makes your relationship the top priority in his life. The type of person for whom working with you on the marriage gives him joy. Try to think about ways to meet those guys when you are ready. Just understand that a guy like that may talk longer to get close to. They are out there though.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> It has been in my experience (being a little older then you and have been married 14 years) transitioning is probably the hardest thing to do in life. It is also one of the most painful emotionally. Uncertainty is difficult for most people, but you also strike me as a type A want everything to be organized and perfect type (my wife is like that). So having all this uncertainty in your life probably continues to make you feel out of sorts, maybe even like a failure. Besides that you are dealing with the fallout from the loss of your marriage. One of the great lessons I had to learn after my PTSD (which I have spoken about here and you can find info on f you look through my posts, if you don't know) was that one of the ways to deal with the uncertainty is to identify why you are feeling that way and accept that this it's OK to feel that way. Kinda like when you have a cold or something. You just have to suffer through it, but if you know why you are suffering and can use your mind to think logically about it Just identifying this you will do better with it. The way you feel right now is makes sense for where you are today, but give yourself permission to hope and believe that this is only a temporary state. IT IS only a temporary state. It's going to get better I promise.
> 
> One other thing. You are very introspective and seem like a deep mindful person. There are men out there who will find this incredibly attractive. I suggest you look for men who are the same way. So in saying that I have to say I think your rules about not dating a man who is a gamer really hurts you. I know this seems like a little thing to even bring up but I wonder what other rules you might have that are also hurting you. In many ways the type of person who likes to figure things out, like in these games is going to be introspective and probably a good fit for you. Your husband was an achiever it seems, what would be thought of from that outside as a Type A, alpha male. However that is a different type of person and one who doesn't fit you in my opinion. Maybe you thought of him as an intellectual but doesn't sound like he is deep enough to be these things. Guys like your husband are better off marring women who are more interested in being married to them because of their achievements. Meaning women who really care more about being married to a surgeon so they can say and get satisfaction from the idea of being married to a surgeon. Think politicians wife, sports stars wife that kind of thing.
> 
> That isn't you, you need a guy who is deep. But I wonder if you pursued your husband because you are attracted to those achievements superficially. Some of your comments have had me thinking you think that way in the past. I think you should broaden your choices, because a guys who is really interested in having a good communicative marriage with his wife, who that is really his number one priority is probably not going to be the one whose career and status are as important to him. Everyone of your posts screams to me you want a communicative man who makes your relationship the top priority in his life. The type of person for whom working with you on the marriage gives him joy. Try to think about ways to meet those guys when you are ready. Just understand that a guy like that may talk longer to get close to. They are out there though.




You have a interesting opinion. 
So... I can't help what I find attractive and not attractive. I totally get that I am "judgmental" or harsh or whatever but it's how I feel. I wish I had lower expectations for men, I wish I was attracted to different things because what I believe I am attracted to... those type of guys are too good for me. Or something. But how am I suppose to be with someone I'm not attracted to? 

I am independent, and I am not that needy of a women. Obviously my stbx was way more than neglectful. But I do like men that have their own life, their own career and hobbies that I respect. There are certain things that I just don't respect and I understand that makes me judgmental and limits myself. I wish I didn't think so poorly of men but I do. But I am also Incredibly tough on myself as well.

Also... I pursued my husband (in high school) because I always wanted the opposite of what I was raised with. I wanted a very nice Christian man. All I wanted was a loving, nice family. I use to see those church families all dressed up being together, and being all nice and sweet to each other and I know it sounds dumb but I have been day dreaming of creating that type of family for as long as I could tell the difference between them and me. Me who was raised with 2 functional alcoholic parents who didn't have good jobs or nice clothes or were even nice and loving to us kids. Who didn't have any structure in life, no religion, no rules, nothing. My husband in high school was the only Christian guy I met that was attractive. He was so nice and shy and stood up for the fact that he was Christian and was waiting for marriage to have Sex and never cursed. And for a high schooler, I thought that was pretty awesome. He could of been anything, I just respected him and looked up to him. He use to volunteer on his weekends, use his own money to sponsor poor kids. I fell in love with him and was too in love with him to see him become the narcissist I guess he always was. Because once he got what he wanted... he dumped God, dumped me and even his family.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OK I am a little late to the discussion, but I disagree with all the "there is a great guy out there" or "any man should happy to marry you" line of thinking. Not because it isn't true, but because a "great guy" or a "husband who loves you" is just a substitute for having real self esteem. It places the focus on the external, when in reality your self esteem has to come from within.
So something that I read and committed to memory is this: NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE ME

Because nobody can really save you from yourself. In the end, regardless of who or if you marry, you are still left with you. And if you are not happy then any relationship built upon that cannot be good.

When I was married I had given away so much of who I was that I lost touch with who I am. When the marriage ended I was a lost puppy. A victim of life. However, for me, my turning point was finally accepting that no one is coming to save me. No matter how much I cried, no matter how sad and hurt I was - in the end nobody was coming to save me.

I decided I needed to focus on myself if I wanted a better life. I took action. I made mistakes. I had successes. With each I learned and grew. Along with the knowledge and growth I began to redevelop my self esteem. It has taken me three years and I am still a work in progress. But I realized I survived. I am still alive and I am discovering that I have worth - a lot more worth than I had ever previously accepted.

So go out and take action, make mistakes and learn from them, celebrate successes and become the person you want to be. Your self esteem will arrive as a result of your efforts.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> OK I am a little late to the discussion, but I disagree with all the "there is a great guy out there" or "any man should happy to marry you" line of thinking. Not because it isn't true, but because a "great guy" or a "husband who loves you" is just a substitute for having real self esteem. It places the focus on the external, when in reality your self esteem has to come from within.
> 
> So something that I read and committed to memory is this: NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE ME
> 
> ...




I totally get this. But is there something wrong with wanting to get married and have a family? Because to me, that's really high up there in my priority list. I understand I need to love myself. But going through life alone is not something I want to do even if I love myself. I was created to be a wife and a mother. Me, not all women but me. The way that God created me was for sure to be a wife and mother.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I will be ok if I'm alone and I never get married. But I wont be happy and fulfilled without a family.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> You have a interesting opinion.
> So... I can't help what I find attractive and not attractive. I totally get that I am "judgmental" or harsh or whatever but it's how I feel. I wish I had lower expectations for men, I wish I was attracted to different things because what I believe I am attracted to... those type of guys are too good for me. Or something. But how am I suppose to be with someone I'm not attracted to?
> 
> I am independent, and I am not that needy of a women. Obviously my stbx was way more than neglectful. But I do like men that have their own life, their own career and hobbies that I respect. There are certain things that I just don't respect and I understand that makes me judgmental and limits myself. I wish I didn't think so poorly of men but I do. But I am also Incredibly tough on myself as well.
> ...


You are taking about a high school relationship, in HS relationships you basically fall in love with a kid as a kid with no responsibilities, that is why they often fail because they are built in an environment that is not real. If you have never dated as an adult let me tell you it's very different. I see plenty of handsome men at church so that shouldn't be a problem. Being attracted looks wise I don't think you can change, however if you open yourself up to new experiences you might find that what you think you know you don't. That isn't just about gaming..


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I totally get this. But is there something wrong with wanting to get married and have a family? Because to me, that's really high up there in my priority list. I understand I need to love myself. But going through life alone is not something I want to do even if I love myself. I was created to be a wife and a mother. Me, not all women but me. The way that God created me was for sure to be a wife and mother.


There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting whatever it is that you want. But what you need to understand is that simply wanting something is not the same as actively seeking it or taking action to attain it. But I think you are confusing the end with the means. Start to focus on the means and the end will take care of itself. Become the best version of you that you want to be. In a previous post you mentioned you couldn't wait to move out of your parents place and then you were going to start to save for the divorce. Maybe you need to get the divorce first and then worry about getting a place of your own.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> In a previous post you mentioned you couldn't wait to move out of your parents place and then you were going to start to save for the divorce. Maybe you need to get the divorce first and then worry about getting a place of your own.



I just can't stand living with my parents. It's hard for me, everyday it's hard being here. As for my divorce, it bothers me less than living at home. I don't talk to my stbx at all. He's not in my life physically. I know I need to start the divorce process, but I can't do it while I'm living with my parents. It's just something that is holding me down and it's hard to explain.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't like the way I feel inside. Obviously the divorce and what I went through is part of it. But living with my parents and my loser brother is also contributing to me feeling bad inside.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I don't like the way I feel inside. Obviously the divorce and what I went through is part of it. But living with my parents and my loser brother is also contributing to me feeling bad inside.


What makes your brother a loser?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> What makes your brother a loser?




He's in his mid 30s, no job, no drivers license hasn't had one for almost 10 years. He's fat, sleeps in till whenever he wants usually 4pm. Lays on the couch all day and watches tv, pours salt on everything he eats. Has bad uncontrolled asthma. Chews Tabacco that my dad buys for him. Drinks whiskey by the bottles that my dad buys for him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> He's in his mid 30s, no job, no drivers license hasn't had one for almost 10 years. He's fat, sleeps in till whenever he wants usually 4pm. Lays on the couch all day and watches tv, pours salt on everything he eats.


You have a problem with salt now too. Just kidding. Is he a gamer? Doesn't sound like a great environment. I agree you need to get out, it will give you some confidence.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You have a problem with salt now too. Just kidding. Is he a gamer? Doesn't sound like a great environment. I agree you need to get out, it will give you some confidence.




Yes he is a gamer. The basement is "his space". He games through all hours is the night. He's a really nice guy and so are my parents but It's not a healthy environment.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I just can't stand living with my parents. It's hard for me, everyday it's hard being here. As for my divorce, it bothers me less than living at home. I don't talk to my stbx at all. He's not in my life physically. I know I need to start the divorce process, but I can't do it while I'm living with my parents. It's just something that is holding me down and it's hard to explain.


While I understand that you may not like living at home, the fact that you are still married and may be for sometime is more of a block against you want than living at home is. Your STBX will remain a soon to be X as long as you delay the divorce. Make him an ex so that you can open the door to your potential. Because not too many men are willing to consider you as a potential mate as long as you remain entangled in a past marriage, even if you have every intention of eventually divorcing.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> While I understand that you may not like living at home, the fact that you are still married and may be for sometime is more of a block against you want than living at home is. Your STBX will remain a soon to be X as long as delay the divorce. Make him an ex so that you can open the door to your potential. Because not too many men are willing to consider you as a potential mate as long as you remain entangled in a past marriage, even if you have every intention of eventually divorcing.




I get what ur saying. But to me, moving out is my priority. I can't imagine Dating while living at home anyway. My relationship status is not something that I would disclose on a first date anyway.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Yes he is a gamer. The basement is "his space". He games through all hours is the night. He's a really nice guy and so are my parents but It's not a healthy environment.


Now it makes sense. Go out and live your life, date a whole bunch of people. From just your little talk here I think your experience is very limited. You married your high school sweetheart and have basically lived with your dysfunctional family your whole life except for a brief period while at school and being married. 

There is a big wide world out there with lots of different types of men. Do yourself a favor and just be open to the possibility that you really don't have enough experience to really know what you like yet is all I am saying. 

This too shall pass my friend.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You have a problem with salt now too. Just kidding. Is he a gamer? Doesn't sound like a great environment. I agree you need to get out, it will give you some confidence.




I said the thing about the salt because they are just very unhealthy. I use to eat healthy, and workout all the time and be active and blah blah but since moving here I eat what they eat, and I've slowly stopped working out and I know it's not their fault but I believe we are products of our environment. It's hard to explain but I am very sensitive and influenced by my environment. I'm sure it's a control thing. But I like things my way, I like my heathy food that I buy, my fresh veggies. I like my house a certain way, clean, organized, bright. I like a positive environment with my bible open and smells nice. My family eats so much junk, soda, meat, no veggies ever. It's always so dark, they don't turn the lights on at night, after dinner it's like everyone lays down and watches tv and is lazy and it's impossible not to get tired Bc all the lights are off and everyone is laying down. Dinner is at 5pm btw. My mom goes to bed at 730-8, my dad shortly. It's hard to explain but it's not a environment that screams happiness and productivity, and active healthy lifestyle.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I get what ur saying. But to me, moving out is my priority. I can't imagine Dating while living at home anyway. My relationship status is not something that I would disclose on a first date anyway.


Telling someone you are still married on a second date is probably going to end that date real quick, assuming you are dating a man of character. If I were you I wouldn't date until you at least filed.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I get what ur saying. But to me, moving out is my priority. I can't imagine Dating while living at home anyway. My relationship status is not something that I would disclose on a first date anyway.


I can guarantee you your relationship status would be a major concern to anyone seeking a second date. I know of very few guys, especially not the kind of guy you seem to be looking for who would be willing to date once, not even to mention developing a relationship with, a woman who is still married and has taken no action to end it. Most men would assume you are single and would probably nip it in the bud if they found you were still married.
But far be it for me to set your priorities for you. But if you think it will help your self esteem to move out, what is preventing you from doing so and what are doing about that. Because so far your self esteem all seems to be driven by the external. You have yet to mention what you are doing to better your self.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm not planning on dating right this second. My plan is to first get out of here, get myself together and settled, then file. I'm trying to make new friends and not be such a hermit in the meantime. I'm not planning on dating but if I was asked by someone with potential I wouldn't say no. But dating now is not my intention.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I can guarantee you your relationship status would be a major concern to anyone seeking a second date. I know of very few guys, especially not the kind of guy you seem to be looking for who would be willing to date once, not even to mention developing a relationship with, a woman who is still married and has taken no action to end it. Most men would assume you are single and would probably nip it in the bud if they found you were still married.
> 
> But far be it for me to set your priorities for you. But if you think it will help your self esteem to move out, what is preventing you from doing so and what are doing about that. Because so far your self esteem all seems to be driven by the external. You have yet to mention what you are doing to better your self.




I have zero money right now. The job I took pays monthly. I've been working here for about 2 weeks and I don't get paid until the end of the month. Luckily it's a good job and I get paid well. As far as what I'm doing now to help myself... I started working out again, I'm running, I'm reading my bible and journaling, and I am making a plan for my life. There is not much I can do without money. I've been looking for places to live, gyms to sign up to. But I am waiting until I get a paycheck before I actually pursue moving out.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

And again I'm not ready to date. The thought of dating while living at home with my parents and brother, while sleeping in my twin bed I had when I was 10 is very strange. I feel like that 10 year old still while I'm here. My room is still pink! It's a very weird feeling to be here.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

And I know that all these things seem to be external, but they aren't. And this is how I have been my entire life, and marriage and I don't know if it has to do with my ADHD but when I'm "good" on the inside, I'm good on the outside. Meaning I have my life together, I'm eating good and my house is organized and clean and I look good, I'm dressed nice and together and working out etc. my stbx always knew when I wasn't good in the inside because the house would be messy, I would stop cooking and order in, I wouldn't work out and I would throw on anything and not do my hair etc. I know it sounds weird, but I'm either all good or all bad. 

When I'm not doing well, it's hard for me to get out of bed. And I couldn't care less about what I look like, I don't comb my hair, I throw it up in a pony tail and wear minimal makeup. I eat whatever looks good which is usually unhealthy. I don't care about anything but surviving. I go to bed super early just so I can escape my own life and dream about something better.

So you may think these external things are external but they aren't. My external reflects how I am inside.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, I've really enjoyed your input on this sight.

I'd probably love you in person.

Mrs. C struggles like you and it drives me nuts because she is great!

Do you have some measurement of your self worth?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Well, I've really enjoyed your input on this sight.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It's just about how I feel inside. 
Rationally speaking I don't feel like I have self esteem issues Bc I can rattle a bunch of great qualities about myself. But my behavior I think is what shows me I have self esteem issues. I don't really know... all I know is that I have a lot of good qualities about myself and a lot of negative and I feel very self aware. Just because I'm aware of my negatives and I'm tough on myself Bc I expect more from myself makes people think I have self esteem issues. I'm not really sure. There is a lot of emotionally dysfunctional women in my family, like all my aunts and cousins have emotional problems.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Here's an example... I'm very aware of myself. So this past weekend for example I just felt bad because my skin was breaking out (from that time of the month), I know that I have gained some weight (maybe 5lbs) and I got soft because I haven't worked out in a month. So I ran yesterday and I could only run 2 miles which is terrible for me, last time I ran I was running 6-10miles. So I just felt disgusting about myself and I felt bad inside so I decided to stay inside all weekend except to visit my cousin and her baby. 

So I'm right... those things were true, and I'm just tough on myself but those things are real. It's not like I'm creating nothing out of something if that makes sense. 

But it's funny Bc I texted my best friend and told her how gross and fat I am and how I've been eating bad and not working out and she was talking about how she is eating good and is keeping up with it and blah blah and she's super confident and later she posted a pic of herself on Instagram and she was huge, like gained a ton of weight. But she has always been confident and it's always been something that I am jealous of because she believes she looks great and I think when people are confident they do look great. But when I feel bad inside which my threshold to feel good is really high... I kind of fall apart. Then externally I don't look good, I don't try, I feel uncomfortable and it shows. But I can't help being tough on myself and what I am tough on is real, I just notice my flaws (and other peoples) easily.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

But in my head I know that it's ok to gain weight and it's not a big deal and even with my weight gain I'm still considered average/normal weight and no one would consider me fat, I know that in my head but I also know that for myself... I look better skinny. A lot of people I know look good with some weight on, like my best friend because she has boobs and a butt, but I don't, I gain weight in weird places like my hips and my face and I look terrible with extra weight on.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

AND it's not about what people think of me because I have no problem going out not looking good sometimes but it's how I feel inside. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. Like right now I'm at work, and it's a little warm and I notice my face is a little oily probably Bc it's that time of the month and I feel disgusting, like a fat pig. And I just feel uncomfortable.
Because a lot of people with ADHD have hypersensitivity and I'm super aware.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

A little rewiring could help.

You probably have foo issues from growing up with emotionally challenged women as examples.

Learning to stop and redirect your thoughts from a dark, downward spiral and into positive directions is needed.

I'm not sure what your best path to achieve emotional succes will be but I know you can do it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

So as you expand on your self esteem, it really appears that it isn't self esteem it is more some kind of hormone related depression issues. Which is typical of many women but it is controllable. Go see a doctor and get some therapy. I am not being snarky, I am just being honest. No one should go through life without self esteem.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> So as you expand on your self esteem, it really appears that it isn't self esteem it is more some kind of hormone related depression issues. Which is typical of many women but it is controllable. Go see a doctor and get some therapy. I am not being snarky, I am just being honest. No one should go through life without self esteem.




I don't want to be treated with drugs. And I don't think it's bad enough that I need drugs. My opinion is... everyone is different. And we don't need drugs to make everyone the same. Sometimes I'm emotionally challenged, but it's who I am. And there is a lot of good I have because of my emotions, like I have a big heart, I feel empathy greatly, I connect easily, and I appreciate the small things. I don't want to be on med that that numbs me, or straightens me out. This is who I am, there is bad with the good. But I don't want to remove the good while trying to fix the bad. 
Like I said, I'm very self aware. I just need to be stricter on my lifestyle because it helps regulate my emotions, and my self esteem. When I eat good, workout, practice yoga, go to church etc. I am more in control of my emotions and I feel good. I am of the belief that there is no better treatment then good diet, exercise, fresh air, and spirituality. I feel bad now Bc I'm eating crap, sleeping all the time, not socializing, not going outside, not working out etc.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I don't want to be treated with drugs. And I don't think it's bad enough that I need drugs. My opinion is... everyone is different. And we don't need drugs to make everyone the same. Sometimes I'm emotionally challenged, but it's who I am. And there is a lot of good I have because of my emotions, like I have a big heart, I feel empathy greatly, I connect easily, and I appreciate the small things. I don't want to be on med that that numbs me, or straightens me out. This is who I am, there is bad with the good. But I don't want to remove the good while trying to fix the bad.
> Like I said, I'm very self aware. I just need to be stricter on my lifestyle because it helps regulate my emotions, and my self esteem. When I eat good, workout, practice yoga, go to church etc. I am more in control of my emotions and I feel good. I am of the belief that there is no better treatment then good diet, exercise, fresh air, and spirituality. I feel bad now Bc I'm eating crap, sleeping all the time, not socializing, not going outside, not working out etc.


I am not a proponent of drugs myself. But through out this thread you have poo-pooed every suggestion. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Your issue is just not doing it. So stop procrastinating and take action


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I am not a proponent of drugs myself. But through out this thread you have poo-pooed every suggestion. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Your issue is just not doing it. So stop procrastinating and take action




Yes sir.

Sometimes I don't realize things until I talk about it which is why I love this forum.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I will get divorced. I literally have no money right now. The job I'm working at pays monthly which is crazy annoying. I just want to move out of my parents right now and get my ducks in a row and feel sort of together, then I'll get a lawyer and start the process.


Why not look for a roommate and share a place?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Yes sir.
> 
> Sometimes I don't realize things until I talk about it which is why I love this forum.


The best and most effective part about "therapy" is hearing yourself talk about your problems. That is typically when a thinking person comes to realize they have had the answers all along but didn't recognize it. It is too bad some people (not saying you) don't understand this and think the therapist is just supposed to tell them what to think and how to feel better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My IC told me to pick some things to change about myself, and break that change down into steps. Baby steps. Doable steps. And set myself a guidebook for those baby steps. That way, you're accomplishing something, you're making a change, and you've set yourself tiny hurdles that are very doable, and you start feeling good about yourself for moving forward. 

Another thing she said was to write out things I wanted to believe about myself like "You're pretty." Write a list of such things, and tape it to your bathroom mirror and say them out loud to yourself every morning. As weird as it sounds, it really helps. Helps to hear it out loud. Makes it a possibility instead of being stuck inside my head as a WISH.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I can relate to you in many ways...

Since I was a child I've always fantasized about having a family, being a wife & mother. I grew up in a privileged household with an abusive mother even though I know she loves me dearly. She had a lot of anger issues & corporal punishment was the norm in her day & culture... 

I have very low self-esteem even though I am told by many that I am pretty, intelligent, educated, funny, skinny. I never felt loved as a child and sought validation from others, especially guys. All I longed for was a partner who would be the peanut butter to my jelly (cringe) and would tell me I was worthy as well as love me unconditionally.

I was extremely clingy and needy with my husband and so was he. After being depressed for so long I was finally happy - I was living the dream, married & pregnant. 

When he walked out I was left in shambles once again but with the added anguish & grief. Like you, I am living with my baby in my parents' house that I grew up in since I was 10, with them & my teenage brother, a loner & bum who idles his time on games ALL DAY. I love him but we don't interact much & is very entitled, spoilt & passive aggressive. I am on a term leave from university, an unemployed & broke.

Sorry for the rant, I thought maybe knowing that there are others who feel similarly might make you feel a bit comforted. I don't have much advice apart from the fact that I am seeking therapy & it helps, with feeling better. I come out each session feeling empowered. When I feel down, I am on my phone/internet a lot & no longer spend my days in bed. I keep busy caring for my daughter full time myself. She has helped me tremendously. I also talk to a lot of men online and happily lap up their compliments for a boost. I don't think this is healthy, still seeking validation from others, but I don't know much else to do with my life. It helps me get by while I am still very much in pain. I did see the F1 race & attended a Calvin Harris concert so that was nice. 

Do you have any hobbies? Perhaps you can start a project and draw out a mind map with plans as to where you would like to see yourself & activities you can partake in to reach that goal? I found the process of planning out quite fun too. Tbh, you sound lovelyyy. How old are you? What traits do you like about yourself? Focus on those and nurture them. If you are bored, maybe give casual online dating a shot without committing to anything serious? I went on a few dates and it helped distract me from my sadness.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> I can relate to you in many ways...
> 
> Since I was a child I've always fantasized about having a family, being a wife & mother. I grew up in a privileged household with an abusive mother even though I know she loves me dearly. She had a lot of anger issues & corporal punishment was the norm in her day & culture...
> 
> ...




I have hobbies but I'm not really doing them right now. I am actually going to make a little mind map and help me focus my little goals, that will help me accomplish small things which are really big things to me. I'm 31. I like that I'm smart, funny, fun, adventurous, I have a good sense of humor. I just need to get on a schedule. I'll try that mind map today or tomorrow. Today I'm meeting s friend for coffee which I'm exited about.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

That's great to hear! It would be good to not just plan out short term goals but those in the long term too like where you see yourself in 5 years? You are also lucky you are young and have a long future ahead, I promise you in 5 years your life would look SO differently, you'd be pleasantly surprised. In addition to focusing on my education/career, I hope to do some travelling & learn some new skills like dancing & obtain a skydiving license haha. Perhaps some charity work. I hope your coffee meeting goes well! Have fun, keep us posted







xxxx


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