# Just venting and looking for open dialogue



## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Grab a coffee I’m venting.

I am high drive + need someone to get excited off my body and let me get excited off his.

He is low drive + needs foot fetish play to become aroused.

I learnt how to arouse him and find enjoyment out of it, I learnt how to do every foot thing he wanted and turn it into a fun/sexy non judgemental interaction to fulfill his needs.

He fulfills my needs if I get angry then reverts back to old ways.

He has always been very affectionate in other ways such as hugging, holding hands, cuddling.

3 weeks ago I walked out of the bedroom with a dildo in hand and left him on his own after yet another long over due romp that turned into all him.

I did not do the whole getting mad once every 4 months thing. I just left the room and said no more until he figures his end out. I’m done 12 years of asking, of begging, of getting angry, of trying, of feeling like an object I’m done.

its been 3 weeks I wont hold hands, I wont cuddle, I wont sleep in the same bed, I wont hug him. He is getting annoyed with it because while his drive is so low he does not crave sex like I do he does crave the just being together touches.

He still has nothing to contribute to a solution.

I start therapy on April 21st to have a therapist as a sound board and try to find a healthier way to deal with the situation and I hope he decides to join in on the therapy to “work out his end” .

Anyways tonight I’m just frustrated by it all this seemed like a good place to ask. Its looking more and more like a sexless marriage is a plausible solution, I’m not confident in how ok I am with it maybe I can find enough joy in other areas?

Does anyone have a sexless marriage? Is it working? What about an open marriage ? Good recommendation on erotica novels? Toys? Have you been here , how’d it turn out? Anyone else learning to love someone with a fetish?

Outside of sex all is good he is an awesome helpful husband, great Dad, hard worker and just over all ultimate family man - don’t even mention the possibility of an affair he literally works and comes home - he does not party, go out with the boys none of that he always wants to do couples things and take me out.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Lady2019 said:


> Grab a coffee I’m venting.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hi 

To start with, I hope you’re keeping yourself and family safe these days 

Your hubby feel he’s done with everything in life and is getting older day by day. It’s all about tlhis thoughts.

Buy good clothes for him which will make him feel younger and compliment him for looking young in this outfits. If you make this as a practise am sure one day he’ll start thinking that way.


More on your reply, till then take care, gurly 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Lady2019,*

We are often told that men are always ready to have sex. We hear all the time about women who choose to make their marriages sexless. What is no often talked about is that about as many men choose to make their marriages sexless. 

What you are going through is not unusual. Here is a link to a thread here on TAM that you might find helpful. It has resources for women who are in your situation. It's a very long thread, but read at least the first couple of pages as there are several resources provided.









The Sex Starved Wife


I would like this thread to be a resource for women who are in sexless, or near sexless marriages in which it is their husbands who don’t want sex. I’m hoping that women dealing with this issue will post and talk about what they are going through. About 20% of marriages are sexless. A sexless...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> We are often told that men are always ready to have sex. We hear all the time about women who choose to make their marriages sexless.


Ain’t that the truth, I avoid woman gatherings where the ladies start complaining about husbands needing sex - its bound to happen especially if liquor is involved .. and I’m silent thinking “can we trade?” Lol 

thank you I’ll read the post again I did a few months ago, things got better for a bit and now we are back to this junky spot - we always end up here. This time is just different as I’m done trying this time until he decides to have an open honest conversation and contribute sincerely to a solution.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Yes as you’ve mentioned its been more than a decade you’re struggling with this thing, its high time you must have an honest conversation with him. It’s just that humans automatically find other ways to satisfy themselves which would end up in a mess.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

IndianApple said:


> its high time you must have an honest conversation with him.


We have had MANY conversations about it, I’ve been civil, I’ve been angry, I’ve been resentful, I’ve been encouraging, I’ve tried. Each time he does try for 1 sex session a month for 2 months then it goes back to being low drive + small area of desire = selfish.
i’m just done this time until he can open up and contribute to finding a solution that works for both of us.

it’d be nice if he just said - you gained to much weight or I don’t like your hair, ya know solvable things lol


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lady2019 said:


> Each time he does try


Well, that suggests some willingness, anyway...

Is this a change or has he always been like this? If it's a change, he needs to talk to a doctor and get checked out for medical / hormonal problems (or depression).

After that, if you want to get him into therapy, it should be a qualified psychosexual therapist, not just any therapist.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lady2019 said:


> it’d be nice if he just said - you gained to much weight or I don’t like your hair, ya know solvable things lol


It's probably not about you at all


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

I can suggest you try this trick :

Dont waste your time and money on sex therapist. Just assume you’re done with the therapist and having an affair only for sex is the only alternative.

So, tell him bluntly that you’re “thinking” of finding someone who can satisfy you so dnt blame me if you find me sleeping with aomeone.

Yes, this will create issues between you guys but let him understand that you can take a step forward if you need something in life.

He’s taking you for granted and feel you’ll convince yourself as well by killing your sexual desires.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> Well, that suggests some willingness, anyway...
> 
> Is this a change or has he always been like this. If it's a change, he needs to talk to a doctor and get checked out for medical / hormonal problems (or depression).
> 
> After that, if you want to get him into therapy, it should be a qualified psychosexual therapist, not just any therapist.


It does suggest some willingness to do the chore = me.

i’ve asked him to talk with a doctor or a therapist both are too embarrassing for him.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lady2019 said:


> i’ve asked him to talk with a doctor or a therapist both are too embarrassing for him.


Oh, then he needs to get the **** over it. My commiserations.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lady2019 said:


> i’ve asked him to talk with a doctor or a therapist both are too embarrassing for him.


Are you willing to leave if this issue isn't fixed? If so, ask him which would be more embarrassing, talking to a therapist and a doctor or having to explain to his lawyer, friends, and family that his wife left him because he's a selfish and extremely bad lover? Because, sincerely, I'd be playing hardball here after a decade plus. I honestly don't know how you've put up with it this long.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lady2019 said:


> Grab a coffee I’m venting.
> 
> I am high drive + need someone to get excited off my body and let me get excited off his.
> 
> ...


Before I recommend anything else, do you enjoy the foot fetish thing? Not are you willing to do it, but actually enjoy it? Even just on a level of don't need it but it's enjoyable.

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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lady2019 said:


> Does anyone have a sexless marriage?


Yes.



Lady2019 said:


> Is it working?


No.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> Are you willing to leave if this issue isn't fixed?





maquiscat said:


> Before I recommend anything else, do you enjoy the foot fetish thing


Yes leaving is an option -I told him already in August that this was enough to drive me to leave. We talked about it again last night and I’m always met with “I dont know” or he feels attacked to points my flaws out - so I just let him go off and say I can work on those. I found it interesting the flaws he choose to attack are hobbies I gave up on “you give up to easy” ...I stopped those because we had kids and as the kids get older the hobbies come back hmmmm.

Can I find enjoyment in the foot stuff? Yup if I’m aroused I can find enjoyment in the licking/sucking on bare feet.
I find if he wants me to keep my shoes on for sex its difficult as I must arch my feet often = foot cramps. I do power through it sometimes for him and the other part is standing on his face - I do it carefully, I do hate it though I’m so fricken worried he is going to get hurt and I hate any marks that are left as its just a reminder for days after. I understand he gets very aroused by it and by the reminder afterwards sot I do it because it seems to bring him the most joy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lady2019 said:


> Yes leaving is an option -I told him already in August that this was enough to drive me to leave. We talked about it again last night and I’m always met with “I dont know” or he feels attacked to points my flaws out - so I just let him go off and say I can work on those. I found it interesting the flaws he choose to attack are hobbies I gave up on “you give up to easy” ...I stopped those because we had kids and as the kids get older the hobbies come back hmmmm.


So, it's been about 8 months and no change? At this point, he is who he is and seems to have no interest in doing anything to change the situation. So, making a change is up to you. 

If you're willing to keep seeing to his needs without him reciprocating then the last 12 years is your life.

If you're willing to leave you will grieve the marriage, but you will be free to seek out a partner that is interested in your whole body and will revel in your interest in his.

If you're going to stay and try to find happiness without sex, please reconsider. Sexless marriages cause damage to self-esteem, confidence, damage whatever bond remains, causes resentment that eventually turns to hate or indifference. Also, precious and irreplaceable time is wasted.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lady2019 said:


> Yes leaving is an option -I told him already in August that this was enough to drive me to leave. We talked about it again last night and I’m always met with “I dont know” or he feels attacked to points my flaws out - so I just let him go off and say I can work on those. I found it interesting the flaws he choose to attack are hobbies I gave up on “you give up to easy” ...I stopped those because we had kids and as the kids get older the hobbies come back hmmmm.
> 
> Can I find enjoyment in the foot stuff? Yup if I’m aroused I can find enjoyment in the licking/sucking on bare feet.
> I find if he wants me to keep my shoes on for sex its difficult as I must arch my feet often = foot cramps. I do power through it sometimes for him and the other part is standing on his face - I do it carefully, I do hate it though I’m so fricken worried he is going to get hurt and I hate any marks that are left as its just a reminder for days after. I understand he gets very aroused by it and by the reminder afterwards sot I do it because it seems to bring him the most joy.


Then at this point I see two choices, depending on what both of you are willing to do. First is as many said, leaving. I'll not rehash that option. Second, is an open marriage.

Now it might be as simple as he finds a local Domme to satisfy his foot fetish without sex involved. With that it is possible that he can get ramped up, so to speak, and then come home ready to have sex. Then there is the additional possibility of you going out to find a sex partner if he isn't doing what is needed to satisfy your needs.

Aside from the sex, it seems as if the marriage is otherwise doing alright. I recommend that you check out Touch of Flavor and use their advice for opening up your marriage. They might also be able to help you with negotiation and/or working towards a non open solution.

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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

I can feel the indifference happening, a person can only try for so long before that happens. 

In the past I have suggested bringing in another woman (figured it’d be easier than a man) to share between us. He is quite old fashioned in the sense I’m his one and only partner - which brings up the conversation of how deep this foot stuff goes and how dishonest he was about it in the beginning. For me it feels like its progressively gotten worse, for him its always been at that level and as time goes on and he get more comfortable another layer of it opens up. I’m still ok with finding how far it goes with him but it just has to be returned. He has it hung up in his head that he needs to have an erection in order to meet my needs so I’ve been trying to explain nicely that an erection does not translate to desire to me but at the same time if he is going to eat me out and be counting down for it to be over- that is not ok. Like ya know be present?
I’d agree outside of the bedroom he is my bestie & we do well together. There is no issues with work/income/house chores / social obligations/ supporting each other. If there was it would make leaving an easier option.. 

I am still going ahead with individual counselling - he is aware and I’ve invited him to join in if he chooses. I hope he does and I’m hopeful that even just individual counselling will enlighten me to where I am wrong so I can work on it or guide me through resolving so we can get back to a peaceful home with a “new normal”


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lady2019 said:


> I am still going ahead with individual counselling - he is aware and I’ve invited him to join in if he chooses. I hope he does and I’m hopeful that even just individual counselling will enlighten me to where I am wrong so I can work on it or guide me through resolving so we can get back to a peaceful home with a “new normal”


This cannot hurt, and you are being quite measured about this, which can be good. 

But I too encourage you to now allow your life to go sexless. What ever you have to do, do it. Open marriage, divorce whatever. And don't waste the rest of your life waiting for this to get fixed, fix it... or get out.

Because I think that kills people's souls and i think that is horrible...


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> you are being quite measured about this, which can be good.


I’m past the feeling hurt , betrayed, raging lunatic ect. getting hung up on those emotions just brought negativity into my role as a Mom and into my career.

The last time we had actual sex was 5 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago I bugged on a Saturday and he got crabby because he just wanted to relax so I left it. On the Sunday I bathed , shaved, made sure everything was clean and smooth, did my nails, got the shoes out and then approached him... He said he was coming and took a detour to do a chore 😒 after half hour of waiting I said enough did my business myself and carried on - said not again until he figures out his end and can tell me where meeting in the middle is. Its been 3 weeks since then 5 weeks since I we had been sexually intimate (which was his stuff hence the lack or interest at 2 weeks).

It feels so bizarre, so many of my friends complain about their husbands wanting sex or head alll the time and I always wonder how the heck I ended up with a low drive partner - and I was super honest about my drive when we got together.
Makes me wonder it he tried for the first 3-4 years and became resentful - which he says is definitely not the case.

Thank you for reading & responding talking helps and its not a situation I can use a friend as a soundboard on with how “embarrassing” he finds his desires to be , it’d be a big breach of trust to talk to a friend.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lady2019 said:


> ...I’m hopeful that even just individual counselling will enlighten me to where I am wrong ...


Right here! Full stop! You are not in the wrong. And that is not automatically putting him in the wrong either. And the idea that one of you has to be wrong is a trap, that we fall for all too often in today's society.

You have every right to get your needs met. And sexual need are still needs. They may not be of the same order as eating and sleep, but they are still a need. The same goes for him. Now the question becomes what can you two do to ensure everyone's needs are getting met?

Think about what I said about the other woman. Keep in mind that I did say it didn't have to be sexual save in the nature of the fetish. There are plenty who get their needs met like this and still remain sexually faithful to their spouse. Granted, it takes a bit of a paradigm shift, but nonetheless.

There might be some other kinks that can be thrown in to help with the situation. Some D/s pairs nicely with face trampling, and maybe the use of a strap on for him to wear if he has erections problems, using a denial fantasy as "reason". I could make more suggestions but I don't want to detail too much. Again check out that site. They have plenty of suggestions for relationships that have different levels of drive.

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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

Lady2019 said:


> It does suggest some willingness to do the chore = me.
> 
> i’ve asked him to talk with a doctor or a therapist both are too embarrassing for him.


I am right there with you. I suggested seeing a dr about my wife's no sex drive, its been five years of no sex, and her reply was, " I dont see a problem". I have hit a brick wall. I don't want to leave my grandson behind, who we are raising


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

I like this site. I also joined ILIASM, I live in a sexless marriage


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

maquiscat said:


> Think about what I said about the other woman.


I’ve offered to bring another woman in for both of us. I have no issues doing any of the fetish stuff - I have an issue with it being one sided. I cannot see how going else where would be a good solution seeing he is already low drive? One session and he is set for weeks


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lady2019 said:


> I’ve offered to bring another woman in for both of us. I have no issues doing any of the fetish stuff - I have an issue with it being one sided. I cannot see how going else where would be a good solution seeing he is already low drive? One session and he is set for weeks


I must have missed where he goes weeks between desires. Still, if it's open then his frequency is on him and you still have the ability to get your needs met. Or there is the divorce route.

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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The results will be the same, if your not enough the other will not fill the void.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lady, so he likes you stepping on his face? What if, instead, you sat there? That way YOU would get some of the enjoyment first, he may still like that helpless/dominant feeling and then you can continue after? Have you ever tried that? Do you think it would work? It seems that it's more than JUST a foot fetish -- is he perhaps submissive?


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> ? It seems that it's more than JUST a foot fetish -- is he perhaps submissive?


It has to be feet standing - Its not Just the pressure its the standing upright + pressure. Definitely submissive too.

As far as sexual positions go I need to be able to get my feet into his face or step onto one of his body parts during sex. Even riding him I “squat” for lack of a better word so his hands can be under my feet.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lady2019 said:


> It has to be feet standing - Its not Just the pressure its the standing upright + pressure. Definitely submissive too.
> 
> As far as sexual positions go I need to be able to get my feet into his face or step onto one of his body parts during sex. Even riding him I “squat” for lack of a better word so his hands can be under my feet.


So, when you squat with his hands under your feet -- that would be a perfect position to ride his mouth, no? Look, he's getting his -- you should be able to get yours also. 
If he is so submissive, are you comfortable being dom and "making" him do what YOU want first?


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> So, when you squat with his hands under your feet -- that would be a perfect position to ride his mouth, no?


Sorry I did not realize I missed mentioning, oral is his least favourite thing to do. He does not enjoy getting it (I never had a complaint prior lol) and he does not enjoy giving it (again never had an issue prior)
I have tried to encourage it by 69 however he turns to my feet and does end up enjoying oral that way his interest in returning in that position was nil.
I can be dominate , I just don’t care for always having to make demands or “me first”. I wont do face sitting with him just for the fact that oral comes by his choice to give once or twice a year and I’m sure face sitting would kill that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This sounds like a no win situation for you.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Lady2019 said:


> I can feel the indifference happening, a person can only try for so long before that happens.
> 
> In the past I have suggested bringing in another woman (figured it’d be easier than a man) to share between us. He is quite old fashioned in the sense I’m his one and only partner - which brings up the conversation of how deep this foot stuff goes and how dishonest he was about it in the beginning. For me it feels like its progressively gotten worse, for him its always been at that level and as time goes on and he get more comfortable another layer of it opens up. I’m still ok with finding how far it goes with him but it just has to be returned. He has it hung up in his head that he needs to have an erection in order to meet my needs so I’ve been trying to explain nicely that an erection does not translate to desire to me but at the same time if he is going to eat me out and be counting down for it to be over- that is not ok. Like ya know be present?
> I’d agree outside of the bedroom he is my bestie & we do well together. There is no issues with work/income/house chores / social obligations/ supporting each other. If there was it would make leaving an easier option..
> ...


Bringing in another women likely will only help in the short term anyway. It would probably allow you some really good sex in the moment, and good memories to masturbate to, but then a month later.....same ole situation again. Jealousy issues can make this tricky as well. You have to decide if one time, getting the best oral sex of your life, is worth it?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lady2019 said:


> Its looking more and more like a sexless marriage is a plausible solution, I’m not confident in how ok I am with it maybe I can find enough joy in other areas?


So, you'll be depriving yourself of sex and intimacy all so you can stay with your roommate/husband.

And you're actually going to seek therapy to try to learn *how* to successfully deprive yourself of your own needs, all so you can stay married to this guy? He must be quite the prize for *that* kind of price tag. Is he Bradley Cooper? Is he a billionaire? Is he a powerful politician? Is he in line to inherit tons of money some day?

Those are the only reasons I can fathom for why anyone would *choose* to ignore their own natural needs and desires JUST to stay with someone who has zero desire for them.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And you're actually going to seek therapy to try to learn *how* to successfully deprive yourself of your own needs, all so you can stay married to this guy?



No. 

Therapy is for me to learn to better communicate and have a soundboard with maybe some feedback on ways that this marriage can continue. 

I’m not interested in pulling the plug immediately as he is AMAZING outside of the bedroom. We have no other marriage issues. 

Its not a lack of desire for me its a general lack of need for sex. I think its misunderstood that his low drive doesn’t need/crave sex, he will fall asleep watching porn, there is no thought of “Going to bed early” or plan for intercourse because he does not need it. So he also does not naturally think of “I should spend some sexual time with my wife” I can say its been a month and to him it feels like a week. We are trying to deal with the frequency and find sexual play that is engaging for both of us. 

I married him because I love him and life is fun with him. The hard things are easier and he is just always there. He’d stop and run for me & has in the past. Those are reasons to keep working on things - thats worth trying until there is no try left IMO. 

He does desire dates, chilling together, being physically close (cuddling ect) conversation and just other forms of togetherness - he just doesn’t desire sex the way I do. 

There is no social status or financial gains to be had - I’d never marry for money lol I can make my own. 

I’m talking about a GOOD man that does not desire the way I do not some jerk that is gone all the time and coming home stinking of booze or complaining about taking care of his home or parenting responsibilities


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Lady2019 said:


> No.
> 
> Therapy is for me to learn to better communicate and have a soundboard with maybe some feedback on ways that this marriage can continue.
> 
> I’m talking about a GOOD man that does not desire the way I do not some jerk that is gone all the time and coming home stinking of booze or complaining about taking care of his home or parenting responsibilities


So, basically, you hope a therapist can help you brainwash yourself into staying in a sexually unsatisfying marriage with someone you are sexually incompatible with because your husband/roommate and you are best friends and you're afraid good men with healthy sexuality don't exist.

Being home regularly, not coming home stinking of booze, and not complaining about participating in chores and child rearing is a very low bar. Pretty much bare minimum standards.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> husband/roommate and you are best friends and you're afraid good men with healthy sexuality don't exist.


Definitely not , I know they do exist.
Its not about being brainwashed its about making a sound decision. We are otherwise happy so I’m choosing to head into therapy with an optimistic standpoint, if its not going to work out and we filing for divorce is the next step so be it - I’ll already be in therapy for that portion if it goes there.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I think it is important that going forward you, in your own thoughts, not give him excuses or a free pass for what he is doing. He is an adult, he knows what you need to be fulfilled, he has signed up via marriage to be the sole provider of those needs and he gets his needs met by you.

For instance, it may be some part of him is unaware of how long it’s been. But, if so, that is only because a big part of him chooses to evade easily accessible facts. Personally, I find people who evade hurting their partners self-serving and unattractive.

I think what he is doing is cruel. It wouldn’t surprise me if part of the reason he sustains the behavior is that it leaves you feeling deprived and diminished. Sorta like when someone stands on your face; turnabout is fair play, at least when weighed in that strange scale in the unconscious mind.

I would even suggest to him that may be part of the dynamic —that he derives satisfaction by denying you — and see how he responds.

I am just guessing and projecting, trying to give you food for thought.

IME, a sexless marriage is very difficult and damaging. Takes years off your life, one at a time.


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## Lady2019 (Nov 5, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> For instance, it may be some part of him is unaware of how long it’s been. But, if so, that is only because a big part of him chooses to evade easily accessible facts.


So I had a theory a while ago on maybe it was intentional, I marked the days we had sex with a dot on the calendar that stays on the fridge. He noticed the dots and what they were for and the time between did decrease.

I do agree fully that fulfilling me sexually is part of his responsibilities there is no excuse for it being an issue over this length of time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lady2019 said:


> Does anyone have a sexless marriage? Is it working? What about an open marriage ? Good recommendation on erotica novels? Toys? Have you been here , how’d it turn out? Anyone else learning to love someone with a fetish?


Aside from the sexual issues, your marriage seems worth saving it at all possible. My first marriage was largely sexless, and for a long time we got along well. Eventually, though, we liked each other less and less, and for me part of that was the lack of sex and increasing lack of other forms of closeness. So, no, in the long term it did not work. And there were no fetishes or kinks involved that made things more complicated. I decided I wanted a _real_ relationship, so divorced her - and _did_ find a great relationship afterwards that met all my wants and needs. So divorce is an option, but also a last resort. If you are considering it seriously, put a time frame on the process you follow and determine criteria for success to fix things before doing so - and stick to it.

_This_ relationship for me is great. It is also an _open_ relationship, but not because of any lack; just because we are both highly sexual and like variety. We do consult with each other before any "adventures," and are very careful to avoid any problems with hurt feelings or feelings of neglect. IMO, open relationships work best when all - or _most_ things - about the primary relationship are good. When there is a disparity in sexual interests (e.g., fetishes) or frequency, sometimes an open relationship can fill the gaps. However, either both must have the option (whether or not used), or the one not participating in pursuing others must be okay with their partner doing so. Be careful if you pursue this!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ah this makes me sad. However I guess we can never have it all. I think it’s fine to accept your sexless Or near sexless marriage. Just take care of yourself. And by that I mean mentally (and sexually). 
I personally don’t think I could do it. I would snap, or leave, or cheat. At the end of the day we can’t control people and it is what it is. He will never change.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> So, basically, you hope a therapist can help you brainwash yourself into staying in a sexually unsatisfying marriage with someone you are sexually incompatible with because your husband/roommate and you are best friends and you're afraid good men with healthy sexuality don't exist.
> 
> Being home regularly, not coming home stinking of booze, and not complaining about participating in chores and child rearing is a very low bar. Pretty much bare minimum standards.


I think you missed what she has been saying. If there was 10 criteria to measure a husband by, weighted 1 to 10, her husband is scoring 9 to 10 on all but the one category of sex. You seem to be saying that this one category of sex outweighs all 9 other categories.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Lady2019 said:


> So I had a theory a while ago on maybe it was intentional, I marked the days we had sex with a dot on the calendar that stays on the fridge. He noticed the dots and what they were for and the time between did decrease.
> 
> I do agree fully that fulfilling me sexually is part of his responsibilities there is no excuse for it being an issue over this length of time.


Given this, shunting aside some other points for the moment, check out the Desire Chart at the Touch of Flavor site. If having a visual is helpful, as the calendar with dots seem to indicate, then that might provide further benefits.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

maquiscat said:


> I think you missed what she has been saying. If there was 10 criteria to measure a husband by, weighted 1 to 10, her husband is scoring 9 to 10 on all but the one category of sex. You seem to be saying that this one category of sex outweighs all 9 other categories.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


No. What I am saying is it doesn't have to be a choice. You can have all the other (low bar) attributes she mentioned AND sexual compatibility.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lady2019 said:


> Yes leaving is an option -I told him already in August that this was enough to drive me to leave. We talked about it again last night and I’m always met with “I dont know” or he feels attacked to points my flaws out - so I just let him go off and say I can work on those. I found it interesting the flaws he choose to attack are hobbies I gave up on “you give up to easy” ...I stopped those because we had kids and as the kids get older the hobbies come back hmmmm.
> 
> Can I find enjoyment in the foot stuff? Yup if I’m aroused I can find enjoyment in the licking/sucking on bare feet.
> I find if he wants me to keep my shoes on for sex its difficult as I must arch my feet often = foot cramps. I do power through it sometimes for him and the other part is standing on his face - I do it carefully, I do hate it though I’m so fricken worried he is going to get hurt and I hate any marks that are left as its just a reminder for days after. I understand he gets very aroused by it and by the reminder afterwards sot I do it because it seems to bring him the most joy.


Is it possible that he might have submissive personality and regular sex doesn’t arouse him much? Can you try to dominate him and see if that works?


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