# Retroactive anger/feelings (?)



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I separated from ex four years ago after a 15 year marriage. Have been divorced for almost 3 years.

I would say I wasn't particularly angry during and after separation/divorce. I was simply sad. I buried my anger because I felt ex did not deserve my anger.
The anger I feel has just recently began. I am not going to therapy. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, I have always been depressed.

I am happy, I feel that I began to fully know and see myself after I left ex. I am working on loving myself because I never did love me, not even as a child. I was always the outsider, and felt unloved by my family.

Anyway, I feel so much anger because I am a very good person. I am a wonderful human being and the atrocities ex husband did were so uncalled for. I simply cannot believe he would hurt me as much as he did... why would he? 

I never questioned his motives before because he was(is?) a deranged individual. Now I am questioning... I have to stop myself from questioning... yet always go back to asking

Why did he hurt me? Why did he profess his undying love to me while sexually molesting an underage girl? 

I do hate him. I sometimes pray that he suffers, goes to jail, gets a beating, but never do I pray for him to die. I want him to suffer. Death would be too easy for him.

I have also began checking his FB profile... He had me blocked for a very long time, would unblock me and send me nasty messages. 
Recently I found out (because I stalk his FB profile) that he deactivated his account. We have no friends in common, I do not keep in touch with his family nor his friends. I live in the West Coast, he in the Midwest.

I am dating a guy and have strong feelings for him... is this the reason of my anger?? 

Has any of you suffered from retroactive anger?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It's not retroactive... I would say it never left you in the first place.

Take letting go to heart... it will thank you.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This would be one of the few times I would suggest getting some professional help. You may war out friends and family with your unchanneled anger and may say a few things that you may regret later for disclosing. So to maintain some (public) dignity and to be able to have private conversations, the cost of a therapist may be worth it.

One thing I mught suggest -- as an armchair therapist -- is to ask yourself about the origins of being a nice person. was this something that was required and enforced by your parents and other significant adults around you? How was it communicated? Do you hear still sometimes "hear those voices?"


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

ne9907 said:


> Has any of you suffered from retroactive anger?


I have. Part of the reasons why is I was gaslighted to believe I was the bad guy and the truth was not readily available at the time. The only way I could explain her behavior was to assign blame to myself. I had her on a pedestal. 

After months and even years the truth finally trickled out and when I was able to see the reality I became very angry. 
As time went on I was able to identify the horrible effects her infidelity had on me and I was surprised at how profound it was. Every new realization of the truth triggered a new wave of anger. 

I should have gotten counseling, but have managed to work it out on my own. I'm glad I've learned from my experiences.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I too became angry after some time. Like the poster above (commonsenseisn't) mentioned once I came to the realization that I wasn't a bad man I became pissed off that I had wasted so many years of my life trying to make someone happy who never reciprocated. Honestly though I think I was more pissed at myself for putting up with so much for so long, in every other aspect of my life I am on top of my game yet during my marriage I was the complete opposite, I was a doormat. I felt like a fool who had been taken advantage off.

Anger is just another stage of the healing process. I'm not one to say you need to forgive and forget, but you can't ever let anger consume you.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I can relate to the OP and some of the others. I have been divorced now for almost three years. The anger comes up seemingly out of the blue. Sometimes it is directed at my ex for "using" me. Sometimes it is directed at myself for allowing myself to be used. Like Cooper said, I was a doormat. I am angry I allowed it to happen to me, and I am angry at the person who did it to me. BUT, you have to remind yourself, you (and I) were only doing the best you knew how to do at the time you did it. Just as you have to love your self before you can love others. You have to forgive yourself before you can forgive others. None of us can change our pasts but we all control our futures.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have been divorced now 7 years. Because you keep your mind in your past you can't move past the emotions of it. My X put me and my kids through the ringer like yours. I have every reason to be angry and bitter but what would that serve except for me to be miserable. She isn't miserable about the things she did, the true benefit of selfish people is they don't have regrets.

You need to stop looking at Facebook and only live in the now and focus on the future. If you won't you need to let the new boyfriend go and seek some professional help. You are only wasting your own life here.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> You need to stop looking at Facebook and only live in the now and focus on the future. If you won't you need to let the new boyfriend go and seek some professional help. You are only wasting your own life here.


This ^^^^^ for sure. STOP looking on FB. I sometimes get tempted to Google my ex or look at old FB posts or LinkedIn or wherever else I might find something out about what she is up to. But the reality is it doesn't matter. It won't change what happened, the only thing it might do is make my present worse. FB is the bane of modern human existence. It is the highlight reel of everyone's life, it doesn't show the bad and the ugly, only the good. If you had read my ex's FB posts up to the day she decided to leave, you would have thought she lived in a fairy tale, everything was so perfect and oh so many "likes" Turns out it was all a front. So screw FB!


----------

