# letter to husband what do you think



## Kristina1 (Dec 4, 2009)

The fight the other day was really the last string to be pulled. I'm not happy with our "marriage" and things that are going on. 

I feel I get no respect from you as your wife and Im not ok with that. I will not continue being disrespected and treated as a nobody! I feel like your definition of marriage is- Sign a paper and put on a ring. But that's not what marriage is. It's so much more and I feel I am not getting that from you, and it hurts! Let's start by anytime I have anything to say to you that you don't like, you get pissed off and you leave! You leave and go to your mom and dads house, you stay there for the entire day/ night and don't come home. If we get into a fight when your at work you just don't come home; you don't just NOT come home you don't even call. It so disrespectful and hurtful! You need to learn how to deal with being around each other fighting or not. I'm not going to allow my husband to leave our house and not come home because of a fight. You run to your parents house and tell them our business. Its our business keep it that way. You told me the other day that your parents can't believe that you married me and aren't happy with it, And you agree with them. Thats awesome! Im so happy you all feel that way. Now when you ask me to go hang out over there with your parents and I say no remember that's why! Being married is about communicating, compromise, understanding, 50/50, making each other comfortable, making each other feel secure, making each other a priority, wanting to make each other happy. I feel you can careless about me or my feeling. That's how its always been with you. That hasn't changed, and I guess I'm stupid for thinking that it would change. I told you I was not comfortable with you going to Sarah's house and you didn't care, took your **** and left. Im sorry but there are boundaries... and you crossed that. I am not comfortable nor do I think its ok for you to go over to her house. I'm sorry that you can't be with your son all the time, but that's what happens when you are seperated from the mother. Its not just about you anymore. We are married and its our life. It's about both of us. But you don't see that, and you really don't care. You want to do what is good for you and I'm not going to put up with that. I not only think that you going to her house crosses boundaries but I also don't feel comfortable with it after that email that I had got from her about you 2 still hooking up. Im not sure if you remember that hole email thing, but I sure do! I feel that you let her still control our life together. You had a meeting with her, your dad, her step mother, and her dad. Not even thinking about bringing your wife. I am your wife and your life is my life- its our life. Yes its your kid, but whatever you decide to do in your life affects my life just as much. It would have been the respectful thing to do. But mel ignores the fact that I'm apart of your life and you allow it. You had told me at the meeting you brought up john and as you brought him up you said, "if its inappropriate I wont bring him up". What do you mean if its inappropriate, are you kidding me. You didn't need to say that at all! Its not inappropriate, john is your step son and is steve step brother you have every right to talk about Mikey! But NO once again you feed into her spiteful, jealous, lets ignore the fact that mike has a family now. Instead of making it a point to her that we are a family and we are involved in your life and steves life. So once again I feel no respect as your wife! I feel that you are not committing your life to our life! I still feel you do what you got to do and that's that. Just like the hole daycare situation. I wanted to take a ride with you to pick him. But you let her dictate what we can and can't do. And the night I asked about going with you, You could careless, got pissed, and didn't come home for the night... Went to the daycare did what YOU had to do and then called me to come home. And I once again had to let it all go. Had to let go of the fact you didn't come home that night, went and did what you had to do not having a care in the world what I had to say about it. That's what I need to do with everything, let it all go, let you do what you want when you want, I have to let it go when you don't call me all day and night because your pissed, I have to let it go when you dont come home at night. Im so sick of it. This isnt a marriage! And I will not pretend to be happy and ok with it. You left the house the other day after telling you I was not happy with you going to her house, so you leave our house to go over there... with no care in the world of my feeling. You end up being in the hospital for 2 days with Micah and instead of repectfully calling your wife to let her know what is going on, you send me forward text that you were sending to everyone. Yeah we got into a fight but you don't think calling your pregnant wife to inform her what's going on is important, you don't think calling your pregnant wife to make sure everything is ok is important. Apparently not! At the meeting you had with Sara you and her made an agreement to get together once a month and chat about steve. Are you kidding me, you don't need to meet up and chat. That is what cell phones are used for. Call each other once a month and have a chat over the phone. If there are school things or report she wants to show you great she can give them to you when you pick up steve. Once again something you decided on your own and something I have absolutely no say in. Because I'm sure once again you could careless about my feelings. I find it funny... when you and I JUST started dating and I went to meet up with johns father for lunch YOU were not ok with that and weren't comfortable... and that's with us just dating. Were married now with a family and I feel I have every right to not be comfortable with it, and I feel you should respect that! Once again respect and boundaries... being seperated with someone and having a wife and family changes things. Its not all about you anymore. I can't wait until mel FINALLY meets someone and hopefully gets married, and she starts respecting his wishes and she starts setting boundaries out of respect of her new husband. I love you and I want us to have a good marriage.. but if you don't start making this a marriage and treating me with respect I'm not sure how long this marriage will last. I want us to both be happy.. and right now I feel like I am being treated like crap. 


You preach to me how we have to discipline our kids and want respectful kids, which I agree 100% with you. So you discipline john and punish john when he does wrong or doesn't listen... which I am fine with. But when steve is here, you allow him to get away with a lot of ****. I know he's 2 in half, but this is the age they learn. You allow him to not listen- We tell him over and over again NOT to put his trains on the glass table and he does it... and you allow it. Him and john are BOTH learning to share, john has been an only child for 6 yrs now- its very new to him to share. Just as much as its new to steve. You yell and discipline john to share but yet steve does that same thing with not sharing and you don't teach him or put him in time out. Instead you yell at john to pretty much get over it he's only a baby. Which ok I get that he's young and he needs to learn. But he wont learn if you don't teach him. My main reason for making this such a point is because I don't want john to start resenting you and steve. I don't want him to start feeling jealous that you favor steve over him. I want them treated the same. You teach john to not play with his toys at dinner time, but when steve is over for dinner he is running around and playing toys. And jonh is just looking at you and I so confused.... thinking why does steve get to run around and play but yet I get told not to play, talk, etc at dinner time. Once again they both need to get treated the same. You want to allow steve to run around and play at dinner time, then that means allowing john to do the same. You tell steve no about something and all he needs to do is cry alittle and you give it to him. Once again you tell john crying and whining is not allowed and will not get him what he wants, but you allow steve to do it. Once again they need to be treated and disciplined the same. steve is at the age where he is learning and you letting him cry and getting what he wants will just make it that much harder to teach him when he is older. Just like how you don't want out baby or steve learning bad things from john... I don't need our baby seeing steve doing things that he shouldn't be doing. They all need to be treated the same.

You leave for work in the afternoon and most of the time I don't hear from you all night! That bothers me, I know you are at work and your busy but to pick up the phone half way through your night just to check in real quick would be nice. I mean a one minute phone call to see how your wife and kids are would be nice. I just think its a nice respectful caring thing to do. Im not asking for you to call and have an hour long conversation with me. A minute to check in. Especially when you sleep at work, sometime you call and sometimes you don't. You leave in the afternoon and sleep at work and don't call all night! That really bothers me. 

This entire pregnancy I feel that you haven't been very supportive! I would ask you if we can run out and get a craving and you would say no or get annoyed. I tell you I'm hungry and its a problem. Did you once say hey baby let me rub your back since your in so much pain carry around OUR baby... NO. I asked you ONCE if you can rub my back and you made me feel so uncomfortable for asking... you took a deep breath and made me very aware that you were annoyed by me asking. Its like I'm scared to even ask you to do anything for me because its always a problem. I love doing things for you because I know its helping you or making you feel good. You ask me to scratch your back- I do it because I know its something you like. 

I feel that you are really sneaky with your phone at times, one day you were texting someone and I asked you who you were talking to and you told me it was none of my business! Are you serious, so you get another text and I asked again who it was and you got MAD at me for asking! I have every right to ask. Just like back in the day when we just started dating.... and i use to get calls and textes all the time... you would want me to tell you before you having to ask who I was talking to or texting. You think that you would respect me as your wife and tell me before I even have to ask. I still can't believe you got mad at me for asking! But once again something I just had to let go.

Our communication sucks! I have concerns about things or things are bothering me I should be able to talk to you about it as 2 adults. And as two grown married adults we should bother talk and figure out how we can both be happy with the outcome of the situation. You don't want to fight in front of the kids neither do I. We don't agree with something thats fine you dont need to leave. We will talk about it when the kids are asleep.


So I really don't know what to do from here. I have no idea where you are or what you been doing since you left the hospital. And I don't know what you want to do from here. I need to feel married and respected as your wife. I need you to communicate with me, I need you to compromise and take my feelings into consideration, I need you to stop running from fights, I need you to stop NOT coming home when we argue, I need a husband. 

I know that you work a lot and your bust your ass to make money for the family. And I love you for that and I appreciate that!

I hate having to write emails! I really do! So hopefully we can figure out a way to talk from now on and not let things build and build and get out of hand. But if the things I wrote to you in this letter are not something you can do then maybe we can't be together. I don't know. Baby is coming really soon! So hopefully before baby we can figure out what we are going to do. 

Were about to have a baby and I'm home alone. Im upset and sad about what is going on with us. This is the time when I should be happy and we should be together getting ready to be parents. Getting ready to be a team! But instead you ignore the fact that I am apart of your life. Which is the crappiest feeling in the world.

The fight the other day was really the last string to be pulled. I'm not happy with our "marriage" and things that are going on. 

I feel I get no respect from you as your wife and Im not ok with that. I will not continue being disrespected and treated as a nobody! I feel like your definition of marriage is- Sign a paper and put on a ring. But that's not what marriage is. It's so much more and I feel I am not getting that from you, and it hurts! Let's start by anytime I have anything to say to you that you don't like, you get pissed off and you leave! You leave and go to your mom and dads house, you stay there for the entire day/ night and don't come home. If we get into a fight when your at work you just don't come home; you don't just NOT come home you don't even call. It so disrespectful and hurtful! You need to learn how to deal with being around each other fighting or not. I'm not going to allow my husband to leave our house and not come home because of a fight. You run to your parents house and tell them our business. Its our business keep it that way. You told me the other day that your parents can't believe that you married me and aren't happy with it, And you agree with them. Thats awesome! Im so happy you all feel that way. Now when you ask me to go hang out over there with your parents and I say no remember that's why! Being married is about communicating, compromise, understanding, 50/50, making each other comfortable, making each other feel secure, making each other a priority, wanting to make each other happy. I feel you can careless about me or my feeling. That's how its always been with you. That hasn't changed, and I guess I'm stupid for thinking that it would change. I told you I was not comfortable with you going to Sarah's house and you didn't care, took your **** and left. Im sorry but there are boundaries... and you crossed that. I am not comfortable nor do I think its ok for you to go over to her house. I'm sorry that you can't be with your son all the time, but that's what happens when you are seperated from the mother. Its not just about you anymore. We are married and its our life. It's about both of us. But you don't see that, and you really don't care. You want to do what is good for you and I'm not going to put up with that. I not only think that you going to her house crosses boundaries but I also don't feel comfortable with it after that email that I had got from her about you 2 still hooking up. Im not sure if you remember that hole email thing, but I sure do! I feel that you let her still control our life together. You had a meeting with her, your dad, her step mother, and her dad. Not even thinking about bringing your wife. I am your wife and your life is my life- its our life. Yes its your kid, but whatever you decide to do in your life affects my life just as much. It would have been the respectful thing to do. But mel ignores the fact that I'm apart of your life and you allow it. You had told me at the meeting you brought up john and as you brought him up you said, "if its inappropriate I wont bring him up". What do you mean if its inappropriate, are you kidding me. You didn't need to say that at all! Its not inappropriate, john is your step son and is steve step brother you have every right to talk about Mikey! But NO once again you feed into her spiteful, jealous, lets ignore the fact that mike has a family now. Instead of making it a point to her that we are a family and we are involved in your life and steves life. So once again I feel no respect as your wife! I feel that you are not committing your life to our life! I still feel you do what you got to do and that's that. Just like the hole daycare situation. I wanted to take a ride with you to pick him. But you let her dictate what we can and can't do. And the night I asked about going with you, You could careless, got pissed, and didn't come home for the night... Went to the daycare did what YOU had to do and then called me to come home. And I once again had to let it all go. Had to let go of the fact you didn't come home that night, went and did what you had to do not having a care in the world what I had to say about it. That's what I need to do with everything, let it all go, let you do what you want when you want, I have to let it go when you don't call me all day and night because your pissed, I have to let it go when you dont come home at night. Im so sick of it. This isnt a marriage! And I will not pretend to be happy and ok with it. You left the house the other day after telling you I was not happy with you going to her house, so you leave our house to go over there... with no care in the world of my feeling. You end up being in the hospital for 2 days with Micah and instead of repectfully calling your wife to let her know what is going on, you send me forward text that you were sending to everyone. Yeah we got into a fight but you don't think calling your pregnant wife to inform her what's going on is important, you don't think calling your pregnant wife to make sure everything is ok is important. Apparently not! At the meeting you had with Sara you and her made an agreement to get together once a month and chat about steve. Are you kidding me, you don't need to meet up and chat. That is what cell phones are used for. Call each other once a month and have a chat over the phone. If there are school things or report she wants to show you great she can give them to you when you pick up steve. Once again something you decided on your own and something I have absolutely no say in. Because I'm sure once again you could careless about my feelings. I find it funny... when you and I JUST started dating and I went to meet up with johns father for lunch YOU were not ok with that and weren't comfortable... and that's with us just dating. Were married now with a family and I feel I have every right to not be comfortable with it, and I feel you should respect that! Once again respect and boundaries... being seperated with someone and having a wife and family changes things. Its not all about you anymore. I can't wait until mel FINALLY meets someone and hopefully gets married, and she starts respecting his wishes and she starts setting boundaries out of respect of her new husband. I love you and I want us to have a good marriage.. but if you don't start making this a marriage and treating me with respect I'm not sure how long this marriage will last. I want us to both be happy.. and right now I feel like I am being treated like crap. 


You preach to me how we have to discipline our kids and want respectful kids, which I agree 100% with you. So you discipline john and punish john when he does wrong or doesn't listen... which I am fine with. But when steve is here, you allow him to get away with a lot of ****. I know he's 2 in half, but this is the age they learn. You allow him to not listen- We tell him over and over again NOT to put his trains on the glass table and he does it... and you allow it. Him and john are BOTH learning to share, john has been an only child for 6 yrs now- its very new to him to share. Just as much as its new to steve. You yell and discipline john to share but yet steve does that same thing with not sharing and you don't teach him or put him in time out. Instead you yell at john to pretty much get over it he's only a baby. Which ok I get that he's young and he needs to learn. But he wont learn if you don't teach him. My main reason for making this such a point is because I don't want john to start resenting you and steve. I don't want him to start feeling jealous that you favor steve over him. I want them treated the same. You teach john to not play with his toys at dinner time, but when steve is over for dinner he is running around and playing toys. And jonh is just looking at you and I so confused.... thinking why does steve get to run around and play but yet I get told not to play, talk, etc at dinner time. Once again they both need to get treated the same. You want to allow steve to run around and play at dinner time, then that means allowing john to do the same. You tell steve no about something and all he needs to do is cry alittle and you give it to him. Once again you tell john crying and whining is not allowed and will not get him what he wants, but you allow steve to do it. Once again they need to be treated and disciplined the same. steve is at the age where he is learning and you letting him cry and getting what he wants will just make it that much harder to teach him when he is older. Just like how you don't want out baby or steve learning bad things from john... I don't need our baby seeing steve doing things that he shouldn't be doing. They all need to be treated the same.

You leave for work in the afternoon and most of the time I don't hear from you all night! That bothers me, I know you are at work and your busy but to pick up the phone half way through your night just to check in real quick would be nice. I mean a one minute phone call to see how your wife and kids are would be nice. I just think its a nice respectful caring thing to do. Im not asking for you to call and have an hour long conversation with me. A minute to check in. Especially when you sleep at work, sometime you call and sometimes you don't. You leave in the afternoon and sleep at work and don't call all night! That really bothers me. 

This entire pregnancy I feel that you haven't been very supportive! I would ask you if we can run out and get a craving and you would say no or get annoyed. I tell you I'm hungry and its a problem. Did you once say hey baby let me rub your back since your in so much pain carry around OUR baby... NO. I asked you ONCE if you can rub my back and you made me feel so uncomfortable for asking... you took a deep breath and made me very aware that you were annoyed by me asking. Its like I'm scared to even ask you to do anything for me because its always a problem. I love doing things for you because I know its helping you or making you feel good. You ask me to scratch your back- I do it because I know its something you like. 

I feel that you are really sneaky with your phone at times, one day you were texting someone and I asked you who you were talking to and you told me it was none of my business! Are you serious, so you get another text and I asked again who it was and you got MAD at me for asking! I have every right to ask. Just like back in the day when we just started dating.... and i use to get calls and textes all the time... you would want me to tell you before you having to ask who I was talking to or texting. You think that you would respect me as your wife and tell me before I even have to ask. I still can't believe you got mad at me for asking! But once again something I just had to let go.

Our communication sucks! I have concerns about things or things are bothering me I should be able to talk to you about it as 2 adults. And as two grown married adults we should bother talk and figure out how we can both be happy with the outcome of the situation. You don't want to fight in front of the kids neither do I. We don't agree with something thats fine you dont need to leave. We will talk about it when the kids are asleep.


So I really don't know what to do from here. I have no idea where you are or what you been doing since you left the hospital. And I don't know what you want to do from here. I need to feel married and respected as your wife. I need you to communicate with me, I need you to compromise and take my feelings into consideration, I need you to stop running from fights, I need you to stop NOT coming home when we argue, I need a husband. 

I know that you work a lot and your bust your ass to make money for the family. And I love you for that and I appreciate that!

I hate having to write emails! I really do! So hopefully we can figure out a way to talk from now on and not let things build and build and get out of hand. But if the things I wrote to you in this letter are not something you can do then maybe we can't be together. I don't know. Baby is coming really soon! So hopefully before baby we can figure out what we are going to do. 

Were about to have a baby and I'm home alone. Im upset and sad about what is going on with us. This is the time when I should be happy and we should be together getting ready to be parents. Getting ready to be a team! But instead you ignore the fact that I am apart of your life. Which is the crappiest feeling in the world.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

I have written my husband letters about half this long that he didnt finish reading. I am not saying that you dont have valid points just that if your husband is anything like mine he wont read it all. I would suggest that you try to go through and shorten it. Keep everything as simple as possible. Since this is not pleasant for him to read (I know he should do it bc he loves you I agree) he will probably get his fill pretty quickly.

One suggestion for shortening it would be to write something like:

I am writing you because it doesnt work for us to talk anymore. Issues have been building for so long that if we cant figure out how to resolve some of them I'm not sure that our marriage will work. I dont want for you to think that I am against you. I know you do things for us like working hard and I agree with yyou on a lot of stuff. But what we dont agree on is becoming overwhelming for me. The most important thing you could do for me right now is to hang around when you are angry, so that we can eventually figure things out.

Another big issue for me is when you go to see sara. Especially bc she has told me that you have continued your sexual relationship with her before, it is not appropriate for you to go to her when we are fighting. I understand and agree that you need to spend time with your child, but I feel like you are leaving me to spend time with her when you are angry. Also, because I am your wife, and your son's step mother I believe that I should be an active part in communicating with his mother. This is your decision not hers, if you dont want me to be part of that I would like to know why. When we were dating you found me doing the same thing inappropriate and now that I am uncomfortable with the same thing I would like for you to respect that. 

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that you tell your parents about our problems. I know that sometimes you need to vent, but it's easy to only mention negative things to them and it makes me look more flawed than I am. It makes them not like me. Them not liking me makes me uncomfortable with spending family time with them.

I would also like for you to try to make sure that the rules for the kids are fair. John is being held to standards that Steve isnt. I understand the age difference, but am afraid that John will become resentful if we arent fair. There are a few thing that I have noticed if you want examples.

I love you and want to be your partner, but lately I have been feeling really lonely. If you dont want to talk yet, please email me. Let me know what you need from me so that we can find a compromise. I really need you to talk to me. I am angry, but please remember it is because I love you and am afraid of what is happening to us.


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## Southernsbo (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Kristina
I agree with angryandfrustrated, the letter is very long and judging by how annoyed he becomes he definately will not finish reading it because more than anything it's pointing out all his faults and he will immediately buid a wall.
Another thing is that you are telling him all that you don't loke which he knows but you are not coming up with anything to remedy the situation and the consequences of his continuous disrespect. You want him to do something about the situation, so sweetie please point him in the right direction.
Hold on be strong, you don't need all this stress with pregnancy.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I agree with the other poster here, I don't think he's going to read the whole thing. Not to mention the fact that it will probably only succeed in making him angry. 

I think you have some very good points, don't get me wrong. The problem is getting him to see them.

I really feel for you, you're in a tough situation especially being pregnant and all. 

Could you sit down and make a list of what you will and will not deal with? What you will and will not agree to compromise and work on? If for no other reason but for yourself. 

It's a horrible feeling to not know where your husband is, or know where he is and not like it. I've been there.

Just a thought here, but is he using these arguments just so he can leave? My ex actually admitted to me at the end of our marriage that he would start fights just so he could leave and go do what he wanted.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

You repeated your letter 2 times (meaning there are two copies of the same message in your post).

I do not know if your husband has a problem of not.

I know for sure that you have a problem. What do you hope to accomplish by putting on paper every grievance of your marriage? If you want to accomplish change, be specific:

This is what I want, this is why I want it, this is what I expect you to do, this is the time line that I envision for accomplishing what I want.

You cannot hope to resolve conflict and accomplish meaningful change by throwing a "bible of grievances" at your husband.

Perhaps I can help to give you some perspective.

The very first respondent to your post, "angryandfrustrated", spent time and effort to read and understand your post, and to condense it in a meaningful way: people on this board want to help.

Her paraphrasing of your letter is professional and effective: people on this board know how to help.

There is hope and there are resources. Many people improve their marriages. However, I think you have some work to do by yourself, before you even go to your husband. You will not accomplish much unless you approach him with self control, patience, and a really good idea of what you actually want.

Good luck.


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