# Am i too picky? what to do now?



## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi. I am a 29 years old single girl. I wish to find someone for a serious relationship and marriage. My last boyfriends didn't ask me for marriage and that was the reason I ended with them. One of them was so handsome but a jerk! Now I am looking for someone but people say I am too picky. They suggest me some guys but not my type. Sometimes I don’t like their manner or style or look,… I wonder if they are right and I’m too picky or not. People say I myself have an average look, but I feel I am good enough to deserve someone I like. I want someone who attracts me by his appearance and his behavior but those guys my friend suggest me usually aren't attractive for me specially their look. I like tall guys (no offence, just a personal preference) but they all suggest me short and really short ones. 
I myself find some people attractive around me but they don’t show interest in me. I feel so desperate, how I cannot find someone with a mutual attraction and aimed for marriage!
Am I too picky? If you think so, what can I do to feel better with people who are not attracting me? How can I help myself to change my standards, should I do that? :scratchhead:
Thanks for any help


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sadly if your primary criteria are looks, you may be disappointed more often than not. You need to find someone with whom you are compatible on a mental and emotional level as well as a physical level. Relationships based on physical appearances alone rarely last.


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Yes you are right. I certainly have some personality/manner criteria too. And I know that look isn’t everything.
I myself don’t think that I’m too choosy, but my friends think so, that is why I started thinking maybe they are right and I should change my mind. Now how can I make myself accept dating someone whom I don’t like? When you don’t like somebody you don’t enjoy being around him, it doesn’t make you happy. I can choose someone easily but I am sure if I don’t like him I even don’t treat him right.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This may be difficult for you to do, but seriously figure out what you want your life to look like 20 or 30 years from now. Figure out what qualities a partner would need to help you reach your goal. Odds are really good those qualities will have little to do with height or any other physical attributes. Odds are very good you will require someone with honesty, integrity, a strong work ethic, decent morals, family oriented, commitment, etc, etc, etc. Focus on those qualities and search for a mate using principally your brain rather than your emotions. You'll need to have a healthy dose of sexual attraction for your prospective mate, but the larger issues are the dream-killers. Where would you be most likely to find guys who have the attributes you desire? Where would they least likely be found? Not everything that makes a good bed partner makes a good life partner. Good life partners are a whole lot harder to find. If you see signs of selfishness, dishonesty, or abusivness, in a guy, run. Imagine you're a headhunter and the job is for one guy to be the father of your children and grandfather of your grandkids. It'll be the most important decision you'll ever make. Even if you don't intend to have kids, imagine the job this way. Things happen. Imagine that not only will this guy be the father of your children but you're going to be disabled and unable to work. This guy will be the lifeline for you and any children you have. You will have to trust him with your life and the life of your kids. It is a very tall order and lots of guys look good but not many have what it takes to "be" good when crap gets bad. Your attraction to them is not the best criteria to use when selecting one. Women can be attracted to some real scum bags. An attractive husband in prison isn't much help. An attractive husband beating you up is still terrifying. An attractive husband who can't or won't work doesn't pay any bills. An attractive husband with a mental illness or substance addiction isn't going to add much to your life. Pay attention to the foundation and not the curtains.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

I think that if you're looking for someone to marry you should be choosy. Physical attraction has to be there; after all you're trying to pick someone that you'll still find attractive in 30, 40 50 years time. It's not something you could or should fake or overlook. At the very least your prospective partner deserves to spend their life with someone who desires them.

In my own case, there were a couple of physical traits that I value that my wife doesn't really have. These were over-ridden by the qualities that would make a good wife, partner and mother. 

So though she doesn't have fantastic eyes takes a back seat to how she looks at me. 

If it's not too intrusive do you have a long shopping list of physical traits that you're looking for? And how does that compare to the qualities that you want in your future husband?


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

It was very very nice Unbelievable, really true. I have had a handsome boyfriend and I know what you say if he is a crap. 
But if I choose a person without those criteria, and I meet some handsome people around me after marriage, will it increase the chance of regret or betrayal? I’m just afraid, as I wish to have a faithful and full of love marriage.
And how much a person’s body, height, etc affects his ability to satisfy his partner sexually? If I don’t like their look, can I enjoy bedtime with them? And I am afraid if I don’t like their look, their bad features is more unbearable (everybody has some bad features in personality).
I used to have a thin average height boyfriend and when I used to leave him for going home, I was watching people around and thinking how better they could be in bed…
(Please don’t say I am a crap thinker, I am trying to get better …)


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Hope this helps.
1. Write down only three criteria you see important in a partner.
2.write three deal breakers.
3. Go to many events, clubs, library etc. Try not to go night clubs. 
4. Make friends, have fun, don't judge people too quick.

Or you could try Evan marc katz's service. Google him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

My criteria:
I prefer a tall person, I am 164cm and I prefer +178cm 
Not exactly an athlete body but not too thin or too fat, and walks in a good style, I mean a normal body posture.
And an acceptable face (not something special) 
(sure his personal health care also matters, clean body,teeth,etc)
In personality I like manly silent guys who are polite and nice in talking and treating people. 
Of course I know he must have many more features but these are only the primary criteria I use to choose someone to date, to know more about them and see if he is OK for my life or not.
Are they a lot? Or very high?
------Oh I remembered, I rejected some guys because I felt their knowledge or fields of interest don't match mine, people who have scientific knowledge or study about different issues attract me by their knowledge. cheap routine talks makes me bored, and I have rejected most of previous cases because of the feeling that they seemed cheap, sorrry-----


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sep,

People all over the world get married without even meeting or knowing each other. In the modern "developed" world, the concept of marrying for love is really pretty new. People married what was available within their small little world and women mostly married for security. Many of those marriages grow and grew into very deep loving relationships and they lasted considerably longer than our head-over-heels style of "soulmate" hooey arrangements.
99.9% of sex happens between the ears and it's not about getting your own satisfaction, it's about sharing intimacy with someone you love. If both partners concentrate on pleasing the other, both will get what they need/want. 
Even if you magically found the perfect guy who met all of your physical criteria, there is no guarantee he will stay that way. Your tall guy could be in a car crash, lose both legs, and suddenly he'd be rather short. What makes him "him" is in his heart and in his head. The rest is temporary, at best, and is absolutely certain to diminish. If you want a guy for tonight, find your hottie. If you want one that'll still be around, still adoring you, still holding your hand when you're 95 and crazy as an out-house rat, you'd better dig deeper and look for substance. 
I don't think your criteria are too high. I don't think they're high enough and I believe they involve superficial qualities when you'd be best served finding something more enduring. Manners are great and they are important, respectful of others is important. Watch how they treat the members of their family, especially the females. If he's got an elderly or infirmed member of the family, watch how he treats them. Absolutely above all, watch how they handle conflicts, disappointments, tragedies, etc. Anybody can look decent until you put them under pressure. True character doesn't even show up until the proverbial crap hits the fan. Watch how his parents interact. Almost everything he knows about adult relationships, he learned by watching them, especially his own father or whatever male role model he had. If he's got a dysfunctional family from hell, watch out. Does he accept responsibility for his mistakes and does he genuinely try to correct them or does he make lame excuses? Does he abuse the trust of others? Lies to his parents or his employer? Does he stand up for himself or does he just give in all the time to get along? When he disagrees, can he do so without becoming nasty, hostile, or passive aggressive? No matter which Mr. Wonderful you end up with, you're going to do your share of arguing and negotiating. You don't want a doormat and you don't want an abuser, either.


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

yes, thank you.
When my friends suggest me those people whom I don’t like, I feel like they don’t want me to have a good husband, they are jealous, they want my husband to be worse than theirs and I can’t trust they choice.
Maybe they think look isn't so important as other criteria. Maybe I should trust them introducing me someone. I always think if they were looking a husband for themselves they would not choose that person. I know comparing is a bad thing. Comparing somebody to an ex or others’ husbands is wrong. I know but it is difficult to appease your mind to think another way, especially when most people around you think like that.I try anyway…


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're only 29. You have loads of time and the decision is too important to rush. Be patient. If you know any really old folks who have been married a very long time, talk to them. They are the experts. Getting married is easy. Staying married is much harder. Spend most of your time learning how you will do that.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Just sharing, I used to have this short list, simple but yet of high quality. You want your criteria to be few but at the same time only quality men can fulfill them. Here is mine, for example:

1. A good listener who will consider your point of view.
2. God believer or guided and chosen by god.
3. Loves me with all his heart. (loyal)

These items on the list require me to get to know him well, one or two dates are not enough.
If he is handsome, I would consider that as a bonus. If I feel the butterfly in tummy, although a mild one, I consider that as good enough. 

Appearance won't last, bad habits will often last. What you want is a man of strong permanent qualities that you love, to spend your life with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

*Never ever lower your standards! *It's not worth it. 
Someone either accepts you as you are or let them go. You should accept someone just like they are or let them go. 

There's nothing wrong with being picky......actually I like it when people are picky. It means they won't settle for anything or anyone that crosses their way.

I seem to have the same problem as you, although I'm 25 and I'm not thinking about marriage yet. 
But it's still hard for me to find someone who matches my needs. 
The guys around me are either handsome and jerks, or very not-handsome/ugly for me to even consider touching them. 

On the other hand looks is not everything that counts. Mutual attraction and interest is what lacks. Those around me are not really my type and those who could be my type are either already in a relationship or just not interested in me lol.

My friends suck at suggesting a type that attracts me. All their suggestions were crossed out because they had character/personality/looks flaws that I couldn't get over. 

And what unbelievable says it's true. How he interacts with you is not everything about him.

Another things is...usually I try to avoid very good-looking guys. They tend to be very self-centered. 
I'd suggest you go for a normal-looking guy but who has a strong personality, character and who makes you feel like you're the center of his world without being a doormat. It's important to have someone who respects himself but who also respects you just the same and won't settle for less. 

Unless two people have the same *standards*, *lifestyle* and look for the same aims/goals in a relationship then this relationship is prone to fail.
You need someone who matches your point of view.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

sep said:


> Hi. I am a 29 years old single girl. I wish to find someone for a serious relationship and marriage. *My last boyfriends didn't ask me for marriage and that was the reason I ended with them. One of them was so handsome but a jerk!* Now I am looking for someone but people say I am too picky. They suggest me some guys but not my type. Sometimes I don’t like their manner or style or look,… I wonder if they are right and I’m too picky or not. People say I myself have an average look, but I feel I am good enough to deserve someone I like. I want someone who attracts me by his appearance and his behavior but those guys my friend suggest me usually aren't attractive for me specially their look. I like tall guys (no offence, just a personal preference) but they all suggest me short and really short ones.
> I myself find some people attractive around me but they don’t show interest in me. I feel so desperate, how I cannot find someone with a mutual attraction and aimed for marriage!
> Am I too picky? If you think so, what can I do to feel better with people who are not attracting me? How can I help myself to change my standards, should I do that? :scratchhead:
> Thanks for any help


Your whole criteria for dating is looks, don't be surprised you get jerks.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Id rather be picky and celibate then meet another potential future ex wife, so I say - forget what your friends say.

I'm picky too, like hell I'm not naturally attracted to an entire race of people - which makes me a bit racist but meh, just preferences. I've lowered standards in terms of looks, a woman can be ugly but I'll just turn her around and do her from behind so I won't see her face hehe. But I'm very picky when it comes to smooth, non-hairy skin - I can't have it any other way, even if I just turn her around.

But the kicker has always been the attitude recently, and lack of depth. I know exactly what you mean by you say "routine talk", it bores me as well, I believe that's a fair standard but probably because I have it too lol
A height criteria is fine in my opinion too, I have one, but it's not like I go for super tall girls - as long as she's not 4'11 or something I'm happy. However, my problem is that I no longer find anyone attractive.

You however, still do, hence you have an advantage. But you mention you find some guys attractive but they aren't attracted? That's still one step ahead of me. As you see, you are in a position where you can still play your cards and perhaps even attract/seduce one of them. Me? I have a habit now of rejecting them within 3-4 lines of speech, or within the first stench of materialism.

What do I do for a living? I lie  Hehe
But I'm happy with my current celibacy, I flirt out of fun and habit, which ends up landing me with dates at times whom I've all rejected or friend-zoned (but they dont want to be friends if I don't want to be lovers - so bah! forget it!) 

And they call YOU picky? HA
You're fine in my opinion, as lovelygirl said, don't lower your standards. However, I know exactly how it feels as you're approaching your 30s, me too, but I think I've had enough of married life myself.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

sep said:


> yes, thank you.
> When my friends suggest me those people whom I don’t like, I feel like they don’t want me to have a good husband, they are jealous, they want my husband to be worse than theirs and I can’t trust they choice.


Sadly, it's sometimes difficult to know if your friends absolutely have your best interests in mind, because of that element of competition. Obviously you're the one who has to live with that decision so don't let them have too much say.

You on't come across as too picky. The lists that have been kindly shared here are all shorter than I expected.

_unbelievable's_ posts in this thread have been very good and I'd echo her thoughts on not really knowing someone till they've been put under stress. That's when you see what they're made of. Finding a partner who's supportive in the hard times is what will get you through a marriage (on top of all the positives).

Finally, don't let your friends convince you otherwise; insist on lust for and from your future spouse. The good times help you get through the bad times too.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

May be you are still single has nothing to do with your standards, but has everything to do with your views, personality or even they way you dress or speak. Hmmm...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies. So I conclude that I am not too picky, but I should emphasize less on look and take it easier. It made me happy really, as it was very sad you try to lower your standard, mostly desperate. Yes maybe I should meet more people to find the person I want. And try to be more attractive to them (look and personality) . 
and to “RandomDude”, I used to be at your stage for a long time but now when I look at people more exactly I can find attractive people in different ways. So I hope for both of us move one more step, I guess it happens by time. They say everybody is beautiful in their own way, then why not?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Perhaps, someday, but not today 

As I mentioned, you're already a step (or perhaps a few steps) ahead of me


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