# Worried about MIL/husbands relationship



## marypoppins13 (Dec 1, 2011)

This is very long but I am unable to ask anyone I know for advise on this. I’m confused and am afraid the things I feel are all in my head and perhaps I am over reacting. I would never want to do anything to hurt my husband and so cannot confide to anyone we both know. Spending money on therapy for me is not an option at the moment. So here it goes… Sorry for any misspellings, I’m not concerned with my grammar or anything at the moment but getting some much needed advise. 

Some backstory on my MIL: I have always gotten a weird vibe from my MIL. The way she loves on her son, my husband. She whispers to him while giggling, tries to discuss her sex life with him. Gets him to sit in her lap (he is 32). Even worse, I have been told stories of how she has discussed with mutual acquaintances of how she once walked in on us having sex, which absolutely did not happen. I just am really worried why she would make up stories about seeing us have sex. She has had one failed relationship after another, usually hooking up with drug addicts and alcoholics and stays with them to pay the bills and then moves on. At the time I met my husband he was working full-time , giving his ENTIRE paycheck to his mother to live there with her. 

When my husband and I had been dating for a few months he confided to me stories about his first step-father who was both physically and emotionally abusive. Horrible stories. One story involved his step-father shooting my husbands dog with a shot gun in front of him and then making him dig his own dogs grave and bury him. Then, after dating for about a year he took me to a family reunion with his mother and his new step-dad. At this reunion I discovered something completely disgusting. The abusive stepfather was his cousin. More specifically, his mothers nephew (her half-sisters biological son). I can’t recall how the subject was brought up between the two of us but he seemed as upset as I was. I believed he didn’t know until that point and we never discussed it again. As months passed I became more and more wary of his mother. I started noticing some inappropriate behavior from her towards my husband. She was also very controlling over him (still is) and on several occasions was very nasty to me but only when he was not around. 

Fastforward to several years later and we are married. On accident I discovered my husband had been looking at porn. Honestly, I was not upset by the fact he was looking at it. What I was upset about was what kind of porn. It was aunt/nephew incest porn. I was devastated. I was sick to my stomach and didn’t know what to do. Of course I had to confront him and I did. We had a very awkward talk with really no agreement/resolution of any kind but I did manage to ask him if his mother had ever been inappropriate with him. His response was if she had he didn’t remember. This was too much for me to process. His answer, to me, was suspicious but I left it alone. He promised me everything was okay.

Fastforward again another 5 or so years. We are still married and his mother has left her last husband and moves down the street from us. She calls about every weekend needing him to come over to fix this or fix that. I’m at my wits end because we too have bought a new house and we need stuff done too but her stuff always come first, but I digress. One night I make another disgusting discovery. More internet porn, and it’s more incest porn. Only this time it’s mother/son porn. I am sickened beyond words. I confront him again and at first he denies it and I ask why but get no answer except he thinks it’s not a big deal. I ask again about his relationship with his mother and get the same response that if there was anything inappropriate in the past he doesn’t remember but there is definitely nothing going on now. I ask him why his brother doesn’t want anything to do with her, “did something happen between them that was inappropriate?” and he says he doesn’t know. The subject was dropped and honestly I guess I just wanted to block it out. And I did. For about two months then I found out I was pregnant. 

Immediately his mother insists she “knows” it’s a boy. We found out a few weeks ago it is, in fact, a boy. And every time I see her, which has increased from maybe once a month or so to at least once a week since I have became pregnant. Every time she practically feels me up and never takes her eyes off of my belly. Perhaps I am just imagining that part but she has become increasingly overbearing including how the baby must be named “the second” or at least have her middle name as his last name. I am DYING to confront her about her nephew/ex-husband and why she chose to continue in a sick incestuous relationship over the safety of her children but know no good could ever come of that. It’s driving me crazy. 

I just want to add my husband is very good to me. He is kind, very loving and is an excellent husband and provider. He has NEVER acted inappropriate towards his mother and actually seems very uncomfortable when she hangs on him, hugs him, gives him wet kisses, etc. Everything is always on her part and she seems totally oblivious how uncomfortable it makes him. However, my husband always just wants to shrug this behavior off and refuses any sort of counseling. SO, my question is: Is there cause for concern here? Do I need to protect myself and my child from this woman? My husband? I just don’t know what to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

marypoppins13 said:


> I am DYING to confront her about her nephew/ex-husband and why she chose to continue in a sick incestuous relationship over the safety of her children but know no good could ever come of that. It’s driving me crazy.


I hope you do not confront her. It will only make things worse. 



marypoppins13 said:


> Everything is always on her part and she seems totally oblivious how uncomfortable it makes him. However, my husband always just wants to shrug this behavior off and refuses any sort of counseling. SO, my question is: Is there cause for concern here? Do I need to protect myself and my child from this woman? My husband? I just don’t know what to do.


I think there is cause for concern, from both your MIL and from your H. If your H is looking at incestuous porn you need to be concerned that he is repressing some fantasy. I would be concerned about how that psychosis could be unconsciously and subtly (or not so subtly) projected on to the kids. 

It's hard to say if your MIL's behavior is inappropriate, though. Asking him to sit on her lap is certainly odd, but it doesnt necessarily suggest anything other then that she still see's him as a child. She may be a very physical person and if you came from an opposite background where there wasn't a lot of physical touch her behavior would seem unorthodox to you. Certainly it could be inappropriate behavior; however, I would be more concerned about my H's porn choices. 

Your H is a big boy and can decide if he needs protecting from his mom. Tell him your concerns but do not try and control his relationship with her. Trust me i've been there. i have a psycho MIL and i tried to push my ideals on my H and it made things a whole lot worse. Boundaries will be very important when dealing with this.


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