# I believe he's been cheating



## Moonless (Jun 23, 2013)

We have been together for 14 years. And we got married 3 years ago. We have a 2-year old boy. I am convinced by the signs that he is cheating on me but he says I'm being paranoid and OCD and asks me to seek help. I need advice. These are the signs.

1) Before we got married, I have caught him masturbating to pornography more than a dozen times over many years. Each time I caught him, his reasons would range from him promising to not do it again to philosophical justification that it's his right and it does not mean he doesn't like me. I've told him I feel like he wants to have sex with other women and pornography is a way to relieve that desire without having to actually cheat on me. Isn't it the same? After we got married I have never caught him again. It seems like he's changed after the birth of our son. But I'm inclined to believe he's mastered the art of hiding. He's a smart guy.

2) He doesn't have much friends except for clients and business contacts. He has been freelancing for many years and that's our primary source of income for the family. Sometimes he goes off to work on a more permanent basis for companies who can pay him. For example his last stint which lasted ten months was as a consultant for half a week per week at the clients site. When I try to contact him when he's at work sometimes he would not be contactable. He would sometimes miss the call or take more than half an hour to get back to me. His excuse is that he's being paid to work and the works involves a lot of meetings and that he always tries to get back to me as soon as he can albeit not immediately and that I need to be reasonable. The thing is, when he was at the company it was on a hiring spree and a few young and quite good-looking women joined the company. And he also recently hired a female team member. He says those women are in another department and he don't work too closely with them and he's not interested in them in anyway but if he has to work with them he has to and he will. As for the girl he himself hired, he said he had difficulty hiring and she was the only viable candidate and he had an immediate need to fill the position as he recently dismissed another person in his team (also a woman). He also said he wouldn't hire with a gender biase. When I probed after a few months, the girl he hired wasn't actually performing very well yet he had no plans to replace her. And why did he hire an incompetent person in the first place if not for other purposes? He said he had always been trying to look for better people for his team and while he's looking the work still need to be done and he cannot dismiss the girl.

3) My suspicions grew the longer he stayed at that company. Eventually he offered (I didn't ask him to!) to wear a camera that to his office so I can see what he's seeing by streaming the video online. It didn't work very well. I'm not sure if it didn't work very well or it's just an excuse. He would say the camera was as only big as a two pieces of chicken mcnuggets had limited battery life and memory and he can't capture a whole day's worth of footage and sometimes the Bluetooth connection would die and thus the recording would fail. I think he's lying. I think the times the camera failed are the times he's actually somewhere with the girl making out.

4) I started monitoring the tweets, Facebook posts and Instagram pictures of the girl. A pattern eventually emerged. For example. If I had discussed topic A with my husband the night before, I would usually find her posting about topic A. It seems that he had been sharing our secrets with her. His excuse is that whatever we were discussing came from the Internet anyway and it's not surprising to find other people talking about similar things, especially in a similar geographical location and industry. I wasn't convinced. It's too much to be of coincidence.

5) Our distance grew. He had become more emotionally disconnected. I could feel that he's stopped loving me. Very often he would hole himself up in the bathroom for up to an hour. He said he was working and got lost in the productive environment the bathroom made. He could show me his work and web browsing history but that still doesn't prove that he had not been using the private time to communicate with certain people. When I look at his IM history, they always look clean. But if he wasn't secretly doing something in that uncomfortable place meant for defecation, why would he spend such a long time in there?

6) The girl in his company eventually resigned. When I asked him to shorten her notice period which he was authorized to, he got upset. He said nobody does that sort of thing for no good reason and that his wife's whim is not a good reason. I had access to his email and found out that the people in his company had recently criticized her work attitude and performance. Since she's so unpopular why is it so hard for him to get rid of her sooner?

7) He himself went back to freelancing eventually. He blamed me for his difficulties at work. It's really that's he not a very good manager, which he accepts. He's an introvert and not exactly a people person. So he's usually at home working and as I'm studying at home, he would buy our meals. To prevent him from communicating with whoever he's seeing I made him go out without his phone. Getting lunch usually takes less than twenty minutes and he was fine with not bringing his phone out as long as he had a book or Kindle to read while waiting for the food to be prepared. We've been doing this for a couple of months but lately he started complaining that he's lost his dignity and he would not allow me to treat him like this. He then took his phone and went out. Despite texting him and saying what he did would further break my trust in him, he ignored me. It is as if he doesn't care about our relationship anymore.

8) When he was out, I tracked him on Find My iPhone (we share the same Apple/iCloud ID and use Find My iPhone and Find My Friends to track each other). His location was erratic. It would jump from one place to another and those places would be kilometers apart. The jumping pattern was predictable though. I believe he had installed some kind of software in his iPhone to alter his GPS information so he can be untrackable if he chooses. Later when he came home, his location was still erratic and thus I wiped his phone to get rid of any "software" that was causing it. True enough, his location became stable and accurate after a factory reset. Thus I am convinced he was "jamming" his location to avoid tracking.

9) Generally I feel he's not serious about us any more. When I suggested we talk about our relationship, he wouldn't be serious. For example, on several occasions at night when he had just gone to bed, I would raise my suspicions to him and seek clarification but all he does is ignore me and continue sleeping. Sometimes he would turn around and snarl. When he does get up to answer my questions he would struggle to stay awake. This is about our marriage! How can he sleep? I don't just bring things up at night. In the day too. He would do things like changing the subject.

10) He's idealized me, devalued me and is on the path to discard me. On at least two occasions, he suggested that I'm like his late father. For your information, his father died of stroke and was a terrible unemployed alcoholic who caused his family to become dysfunctional. Thought I am unemployed it's because I am a housewife taking care of our child. I feel hurt when he compares me to his father. And one would only hurt someone he doesn't love. He used to be my best friend. We used to do things together. He used to put me on a pedestal. He used to care about me. Now he's cold and distant. When I demand that he be the husband that he's supposed to be he becomes even more distant. I'm pretty sure he's sick of me and I'm just an obstacle to his next pursuit. That's why psychopaths do. They charm you. You fall for it. Once they drain you of all your value they devalue you and then discard you. And for the above reasons I'm pretty sure he's already found his next target.

I am at my limits living with this person. Please advise me how I can deal with this. We've tried relationship counseling but it's too slow and expensive and the therapist could never seem to get things. We've seen a psychiatrist and it too is mega-expensive and the medications cause more problems than they solve. I'm seeing a psychologist now but it isn't really addressing my problems with him.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Sorry, I don't necessarily see it. You didn't mention hardly any of the usual red flags that go along with a cheater. Sure it's possible, but I'd be careful. My WW accused me of cheating for years. I wasn't, but I could never convince her. In the end she cheated on me, go figure. I know the signs, she didn't. There are a lot of flags here, I just don't know what color they are. Counseling isn't "fast", and a good counselor isn't going to tell you what you want to hear. You may want to take another look at this without prejudice. Just saying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Who was on medications? Why were they prescribed?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I honestly don't see any real signs that your husband is cheating. You, on the other hand, exhibit a lot of paranoia and controlling behavior. I really think you should think about IC for yourself. If I was your husband, I would not put up with the things you are doing to him if I was not a cheater. You are driving him away by your actions.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your monitoring your husband. No man would like it. That's probably why he is detaching. Wearing a camera at work so you can see his movements....ridiculous...even if he suggested the idea.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Moonles, my husband became friendly with a coworker ( coffee and chat at work) and while I nipped it in the bud, it shook the foundations of my marriage and my trust, to the point that I check for red flags on and off, but never the way you do it.
I could not live my life like that and I am sure my husband would not tolerate the obsession and paranoia you are exibiting.

Maybe some personal councelling can help you to shake off all the suspicion you have about him cheating?

Has he ever cheated on you?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. There's no real signs he's cheating, but your paranoia will drive him away from you, even more than it has already. Look into a different MC if you didn't like the last one. I wonder though, if you didn't like the last one because they didn't agree with your interpretation of the situation?

C


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Has he cheated on you? 

Even if he had, your obsession is beyond a joke. I am impressed though that you can see that you are driving him away. That is the most insightful thing I have read.in your post. I am sorry, but I agree with your husband. You need help. Please don't take this as a personal attack....I do want you to hear, really hear, the advice being offered.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

#4 and 5 are kind of red flags.

#1 makes you angry but is a sign of being a normal horny male.

Some of the others are just odd. Camera at work?

Is he permanently attached to his cell phone?
Hiding texts?
Lots of bno?
Unusual cell activity?

These are the biggies.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He wore a camera at work so you could track his movements and you're trying to get involved in hiring and firing decisions because of your paranoia and jealousy?

You'll drive him away - I don't know many people that would put up with that. I wouldn't.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

GPS in mobile phones is notoriously unreliable. This is why it "jumps about". It could be losing signal then grabbing a wifi, or anything in fact.

I am afraid I agree with the others on here. I am sure you have read other threads and, more often than not, the people whom respond are trying to convince the poster that their spouse *is* cheating.

I don't think there is any evidence that your spouse is cheating, but there is evidence that you are driving him away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> GPS in mobile phones is notoriously unreliable. This is why it "jumps about". It could be losing signal then grabbing a wifi, or anything in fact.
> 
> I am afraid I agree with the others on here. I am sure you have read other threads and, more often than not, the people whom respond are trying to convince the poster that their spouse *is* cheating.
> 
> I don't think there is any evidence that your spouse is cheating, but there is evidence that you are driving him away.


My GPS doesn't seem to know where the heck I am. Sometimes it is very accurate (even to telling me I was in the front section of a large pub!) and other times it is ridiculously bad, telling me I am a mile away from my real location.

At one time the satellite GPS systems were deliberately giving 'off set' locations due to the concerns of the USA military, or so a former Royal Marine told me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's hard to say what he may be up to, if anything. I'd place a VAR in his car and see what you pick up.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

I read and re read your post but I don't see signs of him cheating at all. 

I agree with others on here. Your behavior and paranoia seems way over the top based on no evidence. 

I can see why he is pulling away from you though.. I feel if you keep this up you are going to drive him to cheat. 

I am prone to being insecure in relationships also and have had to make major adjustments for myself. I think you are very insecure... My advice would be to stop and just try and trust him. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Work on making yourself more secure... This will help turn things around with your Husband so you can get back to that loving relationship both of you need from each other. Seriously, do it quickly though, this behavior seems to be driving him away...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My GPS doesn't seem to know where the heck I am. Sometimes it is very accurate (even to telling me I was in the front section of a large pub!) and other times it is ridiculously bad, telling me I am a mile away from my real location.
> 
> At one time the satellite GPS systems were deliberately giving 'off set' locations due to the concerns of the USA military, or so a former Royal Marine told me.


They were indeed. My dad bought a piece of expensive kit for our boat GPS that got around the deliberate errors about 1 week before the military quite unexpectedly turned the encryption off!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> It's hard to say what he may be up to, if anything. I'd place a VAR in his car and see what you pick up.


Don't you think this guy has been through enough?


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

You look very controlling and pushy, these things will turn him off. eventually he will leave you for someone else, because he’ll get tired of your insecure ass. 

So, please, stop treating your husband like a cheater or one of your children.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

OMG, your poor husband!! No wonder why he's masturbating!! Your behavior is highly irrational and your deep insecurities will drive him away for sure.

He is spending time in the bathroom to get away from you nagging him. 

Honestly, if you want to save your marriage, back off your husband and seek some cousling to build up some security for yourself.


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## luv2luv (Mar 28, 2013)

OP your husband might be right that you do need help. This kind of paranoid behavior is ridiculous. You seriously want to control decisions in your husband's job because of your insecurity? That's preposterous . Your need for him to not have a moment to himself is highly controlling

He isn't cheating but I wouldn't blame him if he left you. Who would want to live in a prison like marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I hope you are still reading, Moonless.

You took a lot of time to put your post together and describe your problem & it's clear that you are very upset. The problem as you describe it is that you simply can't believe that your husband isn't cheating or interested in cheating & that belief drives you to read motives and behaviors into all of his actions.

I'm assuming that you wouldn't tolerate cheating & if you discovered it, your marriage would be over. The problem is that you are dealing now with a self-fulfilling prophesy with all of your suspicion and accusation. If you continue to behave the way you are behaving about this, your marriage will in fact not survive.

Your husband's behavior as you describe it doesn't sound like a cheater's behavior, but the result of cheating, i.e., a broken marriage, will be what you reap if you don't get some help for your fears and concerns.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And please ,educate your self a little about men sexuality. Let the man masturbate. It's fine. What if he watch porn once in a while?

Geez, learn and give him great hand jobs, BJs, whatever!


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Moonless, I am in agreement with the others you talk about red flags, but for the most part, the dots are not connecting. So he rubs one off, maybe he is HD and you are LD. The wearing of a camera to appease you, he did it and it sounds like he didn't give you any grief about. If my wife asked me to do that without justification, I would tell her to pound sand. I'm sorry, the only thing I hear is paranoia with a side order of control issues.
I'm not judging you but for the people on this forum the standard red flags are as follows.
1: Phone glued to hip, where he goes phone goes.
2: Comments: She is just a friend.
3: Coming home later than usual.
4: I love you but I'm not in love with you (standard cheater talk)

If he has displayed any of these actions along with quite a few more, then it would warrant your actions. Take some time to read the newbie stuff and familiarize yourself with the "signs," Then proceed forward. In the end you know your husband we don't, if he is being weird all of a sudden then ramp up the investigation, but be low key. If he is being a snake you will find out eventually. Good luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If my wife did this to me I would want space. I hired a very inept assistant when I was on Active Duty. She was totally useless. After I was gone from the office they kept her on as my new boss liked her. I was transferred and went from Active Duty to being a state employee as I had started the program and could not walk away from what I started, and it was a big mistake. My wife stayed out of it. Who I hired was really none of her business. When I travelled around the state interviewing soldiers for various positions my wife would sometimes travel with me but there was no way she ever intervened in my hiring or firing decisions. In fact i did not share much with her. 

My first assistant was a very sexy blonde and she was my assistant for several years. in the Army we would do fitness training together. I suspect if my wife was around she would had been jealous but I always maintain a professional attitude with my assistant. We would sometimes travel together and again I will say that there were never any boundaries crossed in the office or while traveling. Over all the years of my M my wife has never questioned me about crossing the line. The only thing she can complain about is that from time to time I looked at porn and though she used that as one of her many excuses for cheating on me, after she has come clean porn is no longer an issue with her and frankly it was never a hugh issue for me. 

I agree with others here that I don't see the typical red flags of your husband cheating. If there is more then please share those issues with us. I just don't want to turn you away but it does not add up to your husband cheating at this point.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Moonless,

I doubt your husband is cheating, but if he is you have almost no evidence to prove it. The only possible red flag would be him being cold and distant, but that is just as likely the result of your control issues.

Step back, relax, take a deep breath and give your husband the benefit of your doubt. If he does cheat on you in the future, don't let your controlling nature and paranoia influence his choice.

I would suggest that you apologize to him and start working on your marriage. Then if he gives you some real red flags in the future, start monitoring him, but do it covertly and don't accuse him of anything unless you have concrete evidence. The last thing you want to do right now is let him catch you doing it.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

OP has left the building I'll warrant.

Probably she will start another thread with a slightly different version in order to get the validation that she craves.


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