# Divorced/dating-- attraction, flirting...taken



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

So, this is current situation is not a huge deal but I would like opinions of men regarding the best/strongest way to handle this. 

I have been divorced just over 2 years, got the ILYBINILWY speech 2 1/2 years ago and I did the filing after a few days of realizing she was gone. Turned out to be the best thing for me. 

Now I get to, in a sense, reinvent my self. I was the 'nice guy/doormat' and still in many ways am. 

I am nearly 45 but look much younger so get a lot of looks from women 10-15 years younger. I am not the greatest looking guy and have always been on the too slim side until recently ( I would say I am more 'fit' now), 

but, I am starting to notice what it looks like when a woman finds you attractive and wants you to talk to her. 

Still working on the confidence thing but it has come a long way since my pre-marriage and even married days. 

I work in a large corporation, on a 'campus' with many many women of all ages, races, attractiveness levels, and so on. Of course, as a single/divorced guy it is hard not to notice an attractive woman as you move around the complex. Most are married so you move on. 

Recently, I have become very casually acquainted with a gal that I am very attracted to. Of course I know little about her and honestly do not have a lot of work-related reason to talk to her. Her team moved into the area I work in a few months ago, so it is mostly in passing, but her reaction to me-- ESPECIALLY at the beginning before I even introduced myself-- was the enthusiastic, big smile, turn around to face me and strong eye contact-- that I have learned to pick up on. 

It is mostly a 'hi-- how are you?' in passing but big smiles (from me too I am sure as I have a crush on her). We have chatted a bit here and there and while I know she sees me carrying on often with many people here, when it is her I cant find anything interesting to say. The blank mind thing that attraction can cause. 

The big problem is that I am quite certain she has a boyfriend, and I haven't really put her in a position to tell me that. I do not want to make her uncomfortable but I also do not want her to see me as weak-- as so many have in the past when their body language and facial expressions have shown attraction/interest in me. 

I totally respect if she is in a relationship, I have no idea the extent or seriousness nor should it be any of my business. 

I am wondering should I be bold and ask her out-- and when she tells me she has bf-- what is proper, respectful, strong/alpha response (not the a-hole alpha, just a confident man alpha). 

I would rather not ask her out to get to that point, for obvious reasons. I mean, I have not even led up to that point, via real conversation. 

Not sure what other info to give but would love some feedback.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am generally not a fan of the dating where you work scenario. I have seen every instance of it eventually go south and it's never good. Just realize the risk you are taking if you date and it goes south,

That said yes you should definitely ask her for a coffee to find out what her situation is. At the VERY LEAST this will assist you with building confidence to walk up to a woman and start a conversation. This is not as easy as some women think it is and the only way I know to get over the hump or nervousness is practice. 

Go for it.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> I am generally not a fan of the dating where you work scenario. I have seen every instance of it eventually go south and it's never good. Just realize the risk you are taking if you date and it goes south,
> 
> That said yes you should definitely ask her for a coffee to find out what her situation is. At the VERY LEAST this will assist you with building confidence to walk up to a woman and start a conversation. This is not as easy as some women think it is and the only way I know to get over the hump or nervousness is practice.
> 
> Go for it.



Thanks. I totally understand the dating/work thing and I do try to look outside work, but there are over 6k people where I work and dozens of couples, dating and married, that work there and many of them that met there. I imagine there are also many divorced and broken up couples as well. Just to give it some context. 

My next question is what is the best way to respond when she tells me she has a boyfriend? I would of course respect it but do not want to look like a pansy and apologize for my attraction.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MRR said:


> Thanks. I totally understand the dating/work thing and I do try to look outside work, but there are over 6k people where I work and dozens of couples, dating and married, that work there and many of them that met there. I imagine there are also many divorced and broken up couples as well. Just to give it some context.
> 
> My next question is what is the best way to respond when she tells me she has a boyfriend? I would of course respect it but do not want to look like a pansy and apologize for my attraction.


Just make it casual. When I have asked and gotten that response I just say "ahh well never hurts to ask", smile, say you'll see her later and walk away. That's it. As you meet women this will happen. You'll soon find that your imagination is worse than the reality. You ask they say no you move on. What will really blow your mind is when they say yes lol. You have to prep for that as well cause it will also happen. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@MRR Always look for a wedding or engagement ring. 

I know that seems obvious and I'm sure you did but you'd be surprised how many guys forget to check.

If you know her name (sounds a little creepy) but check her facebook too (almost everyone has one).

Don't friend request her but just see if you find any boyfriend pictures splashed on it.

Also her "About" might list single or otherwise. Those two things will weed out a lot of women quickly. 

If she passes muster, you're gonna have to man up and ask her out LOL. Sounds like she digs you.

Do it sooner than later though. Time is the enemy and women like decisive men. Don't get friend zoned.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

honestly, I am pretty sure she has a bf (picture on her work desk among other things) but I would rather have her tell me that since she does seem to show interest.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MRR said:


> honestly, I am pretty sure she has a bf (picture on her work desk among other things) but I would rather have her tell me that since she does seem to show interest.


Up to you. 

Pursing a work place relationship is sticky enough.

Now you want to add current boyfriend issues to the mix?

I dunno dude. Looks of girls smile at me. It's just what they do.

I think you need to find more opportunities for female interaction.

If you did, I doubt you'd be chasing after disasters written all over them.

Like the old saying goes, "You shouldn't sh!t where you sleep."

Or something like that. You get the gist. Good Luck.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just make it casual. When I have asked and gotten that response I just say "ahh well never hurts to ask", smile, say you'll see her later and walk away. That's it. As you meet women this will happen. You'll soon find that your imagination is worse than the reality. You ask they say no you move on. What will really blow your mind is when they say yes lol. You have to prep for that as well cause it will also happen. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you sir, exactly what I was looking for.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Over thinking it!

If you're interested in someone (and they're not wearing a ring), then ask them out, or ask if they're single first. There's really nothing to be afraid of.

Put yourself in their shoes. Whether you were single or married, would you be insulted if somebody asked you out, or if you were taken? Of course not. You'd probably be flattered.

This sounds patronizing, but it's not meant to be - this isn't a bar, you aren't 22, and you're not trying to score. You don't need "game" for this type of thing. All you're trying to do is find out if someone is available, and if they're interested in getting to know you. All you can do is ask.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

So did you ask?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MRR said:


> My next question is what is the best way to respond when she tells me she has a boyfriend? I would of course respect it but do not want to look like a pansy and apologize for my attraction.


Here is your first problem. Don't assume anything. The picture on her desk? Might be her brother. Might be a picture of her BF from happier times. She may have it there to try to remind herself of those days. Besides that even if she has a boyfriend, she might not be happy with him, hence her smiling at you. 
Something else - how do you look like a pansy by asking her out? You actually look like more of a pansy by NOT asking her out.
Also, why do you think you need to apologize for being attracted to her? Never apologize for your interest in anybody, that kind of thinking is a throwback to your door mat days. Now you are a fit healthy guy any woman should be proud to be with. If she isn't that is her problem.
Just ask her to grab a coffee with you on break to get started, it doesn't have to be (actually it shouldn't be) a candle lit dinner at a fancy restaurant - save that for later. Keep the conversation light, mention somethings YOU are interested in doing - a concert, a riding trail, a kayak trip, whatever. If she seems interested invite her to come along. She might tell you she has a BF or she might say yes. Bottom line is you will never know until you try.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

alexm said:


> Over thinking it!
> 
> If you're interested in someone (and they're not wearing a ring), then ask them out, or ask if they're single first. There's really nothing to be afraid of.
> 
> ...


This. 

Most women are at least somewhat flattered to receive interest from well-intentioned men, even if they aren't interested in getting to know those men better or are already otherwise engaged. In my experience, very few women will be at all offended by being politely asked out. Even if she's taken or not interested, it's unlikely she'll be insulted. Unless, of course, she's very unstable, or the guy is a real creeper or refuses to accept a polite refusal. 

So, don't start out by overtly leering, attempting to grope, or asking for a pair of her used panties. Be willing to accept a polite "no thank you", for any reason or none at all, in a good-natured manner. And if she freaks out on you simply for asking her out, then just count yourself lucky to have uncovered her high level of crazy so quickly and move along in gratitude to the universe for the early warning.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rowan said:


> So, don't start out by overtly leering, attempting to grope, or asking for a pair of her used panties. Be willing to accept a polite "no thank you", for any reason or none at all, in a good-natured manner. And if she freaks out on you simply for asking her out, then just count yourself lucky to have uncovered her high level of crazy so quickly and move along in gratitude to the universe for the early warning.


Damn! Now I know what my problem is! I never understood why I got slapped across the face for innocently asking for a pair of her panties.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> So did you ask?


I did not ask. She was telling one of her colleagues about looking for a townhome while I was getting tea and the guy asked if her bf and her are buying it together/living together. She did say no...and something about 'not really there yet?' I think the guy said. Looked at her FB and there are photos of her and the guy from id say 18 months ago, so it seems pretty significant. Though...not sure why she is buying a townhome on her own if they are heading down the path to long-term commitment. Not the easiest asset to sell in a mid sized city. 

In any case, if I get a chance, without stalking her (further than the FB thing, which is just how it is now-- people look at that if they can) I will try to engage her, possibly with the coffee offer (there are three places in our building to get coffee so it is not that big a deal for co - workers to go downstairs for food/coffee together). I would like to hear, from her directly, that she is in a relationship. 

Unrelated, I chatted with a gal on dating site and meeting at a coffeehouse tonight. I am so much better asking strangers online-- or text. This one sent me a message on the OLD site saying she isn't on there much, here is my # if you want to meet for coffee or drinks. 

Anyway...that is where I am.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

so... saw her twice today. once I was on the phone and she just kind of glanced over, and then I was chatting with another woman in the office when she walked by and I looked over and said waved and she waved and gave me a big smile. 

I im'ed her and said I had wanted to talk to her and asked how her day was. She was pleasant, asked how mine was, I gave her a short blurb about how my daughter had a meltdown before school about her hair not being right (she is 8). Asked if she has her son all the time and she said yes. Answers were short so I said, Hope I am not being too personal, just curious. She said, Youre fine. I said, well if you want company next time you are running down for food or coffee just ask. She said, "Will do, thank you" and put a smiley face emoji. then I just ended it, have a good afternoon, you too! etc. 

So... still pretty sure she has a bf, and pretty sure she can tell I am interested. People do not randomly IM people and ask about their day and how often they have their kids, etc. I know I have not actually asked her for anything but I am still waiting for her to kinda shut me down a bit. I am not going to invest a lot of time wondering why, but obvious reasons include--

-- not happy fulfilled
--is happy in her relationship but likes attention or just doesn't see my interest as a big deal...?

Not sure. like I said, not going to worry about it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

STOP! You are being too timid and hesitant and putting way too much thought into this thing. Don't say something like "um do you think maybe the next time you want coffee we could possibly maybe go get coffee together?" Just pass by her desk on the way to the coffee shop and say "Hey, I am going for a cup of coffee, care to join me?" In the first case you are putting the onus of action on her "if you want company, just ask" in the second case you are already acting and are simply inviting her to join you.

And stop, pre-planning what the conversation will be. Nothing wrong with having a general idea of how things will go, but let the conversation guide itself. You mat end up discussing something you both really enjoy, It may not matter if she has a BF or even if she does it won't matter - you made a friend. Stop putting her on a pedestal and remember she is just a human being.


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## lateralus (Feb 14, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Don't say something like "um do you think maybe the next time you want coffee we could possibly maybe go get coffee together?" Just pass by her desk on the way to the coffee shop and say "Hey, I am going for a cup of coffee, care to join me?" In the first case you are putting the onus of action on her "if you want company, just ask" in the second case you are already acting and are simply inviting her to join you.


Good advice right here. Before we got together, my g/f and I were chatting on FB Messenger. We're both nerds, and we were teasing each other using Aliens references (her personal favorite is "Ease down, Ripley!"). Her nickname at work is "Bishop" (unrelated to the android from Aliens). So I teased her and said, "If you change your job title to 'Synthetic Person' on our agency intranet for 24 hours, I will buy you a cup of coffee."

She had it changed within two hours. And the next day she got her cup of coffee. And the electricity between us at the coffee stand was palpable.

That's when I knew she was into me.

She likes friendly teasing and banter, and I gave her a lighthearted dare with the promise of coffee together if she took it. It worked really well for me, and came naturally.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My strategy with women has been to be direct and just ask them out if I find them attractive. If they have a bf then they'll tell you and will be flattered that you found them attractive enough to approach, so there is no harm in asking. If she says she has a bf, then compliment her by saying something like "well he's a very lucky guy" and then continue about your business. I'd rather know they are unavailable and move on or know they are interested and pursue. There's no point in overthinking it or second guessing yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what you do.

You call her up and say "I've got two tickets to this thing this weekend and I'd love it if you joined me." 

She'll say "I've got a boyfriend, sorry" or "I have plans, sorry" or "I'd love to."

And then you'll either be off to the races or not wasting your time on her.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

MRR said:


> so... saw her twice today. once I was on the phone and she just kind of glanced over, and then I was chatting with another woman in the office when she walked by and I looked over and said waved and she waved and gave me a big smile.
> 
> I im'ed her and said I had wanted to talk to her and asked how her day was. She was pleasant, asked how mine was, I gave her a short blurb about how my daughter had a meltdown before school about her hair not being right (she is 8). Asked if she has her son all the time and she said yes. Answers were short so I said, Hope I am not being too personal, just curious. She said, Youre fine. I said, well if you want company next time you are running down for food or coffee just ask. She said, "Will do, thank you" and put a smiley face emoji. then I just ended it, have a good afternoon, you too! etc.
> 
> ...


MRR I'm in the same boat...only I'm 53. Divorced Dad of an 8 yr old, trying to reform my Nice Guy Syndrome...and it's been a struggle. My encouragment (speaking to you and myself) is to constantly push yourself out of your comfort zone in any area of life. 

My priorities...improve myself in all ways, especially working on my emotional well being, be as good a dad as possible to my son, and then hoping to add a long term lady to my life. 

But I must say I feel like I have so much catching up to do in my life because I've lived as a Nice Guy too long, and it's so ingrained in me...but progress is slow, but it is happening.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't ask her out. Forget her.
She has a boyfriend and from what you've said, isn't interested in you.
Also, you've already messed it up.

As said, you should have just said I'm going for a cup of coffee, you want to come? This gives her the option of seeing if she might like you if there's already attraction, or just going for a cup of coffee with a coworker. 
You made it where she had to risk rejection, and at the same time made the coffee a "thing".

No woman will bite on that.

Next time you like some woman, and think there's a possibility she might like you, do what you e been told and make it easy for then to say yes. Don't make it sound like a big date. You could have a group of coworkers that are going for lunch and mention to her you guys are going and ask her if she'd like to come along. 

However, if she's worth dating and has a boyfriend, she's not going to date someone until she breaks it off with the boyfriend. You might include her in some lunches and pique her interest and she may dump the bf. if she's getting a townhouse and not with him, it sounds like he's not longterm to her.

But, there's way too many options online these days to worry about one woman. You need to do some online dating and get some confidence, in my opinion.

Last thing:
Once a woman sees you are googoo eyes over her, and they can spot it immediately, it almost always turns them off. They want a man that can have a date with them, or not. If he seems desperate for a date with them, they're not going. Like anyone, they like a little challenge and wonder about whether the guy really digs them or not.

You are way overthinking. Act like a man with LOTS of options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> However, if she's worth dating and has a boyfriend, she's not going to date someone until she breaks it off with the boyfriend.


THIS. 

If you ask this girl out for a coffee and she says yes while still having a boyfriend (no matter what "state" their relationship is in, it's STILL a relationship) then she's is not girlfriend material. 

Imagine you dating her, you guys get into a fight over curtain colors and next thing you know she's going for "coffee" with other dudes. She's a monkey brancher... i.e. she'll stab you in the back rather than be alone.

This is the concept OP is failing to grasp. He seems desperate more than anything but desperation always leads to bad choices and settling. He'd be FAR better off chasing available girls and working on options to get the stench of desperation off him.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Whatever happened to just being direct? Is there something wrong with just outright asking someone if they're single? I'm being serious here. I haven't been in the dating pool for over 7 years, and even then it wasn't for long. I also never had to ask, I already knew.

I've been asked if I was single before, and it didn't insult me. Quite the opposite, TBH.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

She's flattered. She will let you know if the arrangement with the boyfriend doesn't work out.


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