# Wife not happy in marriage, maybe looking for someone else



## Troop

My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 10 in May. We got involved young and we had a child when she was 19. I'm 6 years older. There were some challenging times but we made it through them. We had 2 more kids 10 years after the first and we both love the kids more than anything. Although things have not always been perfect, I thought we had a happy life together.

About 3 years ago I discovered she was having an emotional type relationship with a guy from her work. I confronted her and she apologized and said it was harmless flirting that got out of hand. Problem was it did not seem to stop. This continued off and on for at least 2 years that I know of. Then in the beginning of this year I discovered a number on our phone bill that she was texting like crazy. I found out it was another guy and confronted her. At first she claimed it was a girl, but after I told her I called the number she said it was a guy from work going through a divorce and was having a hard time. She was afraid to tell me due to the past. I kind of understood that point but something didn't sit right. This continued and then I found out she was using Facebook to message him instead of the phone. I saw some messages about them missing each other. I confronted her again and she said she was unhappy in our marriage and needed space. I asked her about counseling (I got her to go about 4 times 1.5 years ago but she did not want to participate) and she said she needs to figure out herself before working on us. I told her I was not moving out, that I need to be with the kids. Also, my counselor said this would not be good as did an attorney friend. I have asked if she wants a divorce and she cannot answer that. I had to travel for work about 1 week ago and she said when I got back we would talk. Not happened. She never talks about anything. Through all of this she continues to talk to this guy and no longer texts or calls me. She will talk to me if we are both home, but we work opposite shifts so do not see each other that much.

I read some texts to her friends a couple weeks ago and they were all saying I was being selfish and not doing what she wants, making it all about me. I have always done so much for her without expecting anything back. I did not ask for any of this. A few people told me that if she wants space she should leave and create her own space.

Part of me wants to give up, but I love her and our family and want to make this work. However, the feeling I get is she wants out but is not strong enough to go through with it.


----------



## Regretf

Troop said:


> My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 10 in May. We got involved young and we had a child when she was 19. I'm 6 years older. There were some challenging times but we made it through them. We had 2 more kids 10 years after the first and we both love the kids more than anything. Although things have not always been perfect, I thought we had a happy life together.
> 
> About 3 years ago I discovered she was having an emotional type relationship with a guy from her work. I confronted her and she apologized and said it was harmless flirting that got out of hand. Problem was it did not seem to stop. This continued off and on for at least 2 years that I know of. Then in the beginning of this year I discovered a number on our phone bill that she was texting like crazy. I found out it was another guy and confronted her. At first she claimed it was a girl, but after I told her I called the number she said it was a guy from work going through a divorce and was having a hard time. She was afraid to tell me due to the past. I kind of understood that point but something didn't sit right. This continued and then I found out she was using Facebook to message him instead of the phone. I saw some messages about them missing each other. I confronted her again and she said she was unhappy in our marriage and needed space. I asked her about counseling (I got her to go about 4 times 1.5 years ago but she did not want to participate) and she said she needs to figure out herself before working on us. I told her I was not moving out, that I need to be with the kids. Also, my counselor said this would not be good as did an attorney friend. I have asked if she wants a divorce and she cannot answer that. I had to travel for work about 1 week ago and she said when I got back we would talk. Not happened. She never talks about anything. Through all of this she continues to talk to this guy and no longer texts or calls me. She will talk to me if we are both home, but we work opposite shifts so do not see each other that much.
> 
> I read some texts to her friends a couple weeks ago and they were all saying I was being selfish and not doing what she wants, making it all about me. I have always done so much for her without expecting anything back. I did not ask for any of this. A few people told me that if she wants space she should leave and create her own space.
> 
> Part of me wants to give up, but I love her and our family and want to make this work. However, the feeling I get is she wants out but is not strong enough to go through with it.


Like your friends and attorney suggesteD DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE, she wants space?, then she has to leave. I did this 6 moths ago because my W wanted "space and to sort out her feelings", worst mistake i ever made.

You cannot control if she texts or talks to another guy. She has to leave without the kids, she has to have something to return to IF you wantthat to happen.

She's in the affair fog, do a 180 right now. Read the books No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer now.


----------



## Cubby

Troop, have you read the content of all the messages? You need to find out the extent of her relationship with her boyfriend(s?) I wouldn't be surprised if she's gotten physical. You need to quietly find out. Also, is this guy married? Find out the facts (quietly, like a secret agent) and then tell this guy's wife. In other words, you need to blow it up. Also, get a voice-activated recorder and velcro it under her car seat. For your wife to consider divorce, this has gone farther than you think it has.

And by the way, my wife knows if she ever has a "guy-pal" then I'm gone. Just like that. Gone. I'm not anyone's Plan B, and she knows it. The confidence I have that I'll find someone to take her place actually makes me more attractive to her.

As for you, your wife knows you'll never leave. She gets to have boyfriends and there you are, still there, hoping she "comes around, and comes to her senses." You're Plan B. The question I have, is why do you tolerate that? In her eyes, it makes you look weak and unattractive.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

Ah yes, the old "I have to work on me before I can work on us" routine. In my experience that means, "I have no intention on working on *this* us because there's another *us* I'm more invested in."


----------



## toonaive

Absolutely do not leave the house. Take no notice of what her friends say about you. They are all pandering to what she wants to hear. You can only control yourself, So start circling the wagons around yourself and children. Of course she doesn't know if she wants a divorce or not. She wants to keep you around as plan B, if her plan A doesn't work out.


----------



## Troop

I have only read random messages. I really do not think anything physical has occurred with either situation (yet). The first guy is married, the current one is going through a divorce. She has not stopped talking to the guy. Her reason at first was he was having a hard time. Obviously I think it is more than that. 

I am having a hard time accepting all this. This is not the woman I have known for 19 years. She is all about family, and I can't believe she is doing this.


----------



## ladymisato

Troop said:


> ...she said she was unhappy in our marriage and needed space.


The rest is pretty bad but this alone sums it all up. You need to push hard against this. Either you are married and work on getting closer or not.



> Part of me wants to give up, but I love her and our family and want to make this work. However, the feeling I get is she wants out but is not strong enough to go through with it.


You need to try to make it work regardless of what she "wants". Don't give her space but do try to figure out what, within the context of a marriage, would make her happy.

What does she want in you!


----------



## Troop

I wish she would tell me. She has always been an avoidant person. I have my issues also, but have been in counseling and think I am doing pretty good addressing them. I talk to her about how I feel and what is going on, but she does not respond. If anything she takes it as I am blaming her for something.


----------



## LongWalk

Have you read about the 180?

She's not talking to you because she's emotionally invested in OM. she may one of the reasons he is divorcing. You should call up OM's wife and tell her that you'd like to invite her to Starbucks for a chat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Troop

I've started reading about the 180 after it was suggested but am not sure I am strong enough to follow through. My understanding is I should not interact with her more than necessary to run our household?


----------



## NotLikeYou

Troop, I find it moderately interesting that in 3 posts, you completely avoid any goals whatsoever.

Now, I know from reading your posts that you are just filled up with FEELINGS.

Might I humbly suggest that you set aside your FEELINGS for a minute, and instead post what you WANT?

Do you want advice? Do you want sympathy? Do you want suggestions on how to get to the truth of what your wife is doing? Do you want people to just keep offering ideas which you will ignore?

Stop floundering. Pick a direction and start swimming for shore, and you will find more people here than you would believe, ready to help you.


----------



## Chaparral

Get the book LOve Must Be Tough by James Dobson

You may still be able to save this


----------



## Chaparral

You should also move this thread to the coping with infidelity section. You will get a lot more responses


----------



## MachoMcCoy

There is nothing in your post that makes me feel your wife loves you still. Not too much indicating she even likes you. She may even hate you. One thing I can guarantee is that she is gone. Let her go and start living again. Is she cheating? Probably. Doesn't matter though. She's already out the door.

Oh, and if done correctly, the 180 will save your life. But it is IMPERATIVE that you understand it is for you, not your marriage. Please ignore the parts about her seeing a better you and coming back. It doesn't work that way.

Do not move this to coping. Your problem has nothing to do with infidelity and EVERYTHING to do with walk-away-wives. No, Considering Divorce is exactly where you should be. Set her free. But more importantly, set YOURSELF free.


----------



## Troop

So last night I asked if we could talk about how her "space" was going. It is always like pulling teeth to get her to talk and be open, but she said nothing had changed. This did not make sense to me as I have only been talking to her when we are both home, which is not often since we work opposite shifts. 

I said I feel that she has very negative feelings towards me, which she denied. I do not buy that as I saw a text where she referred to me in a not nice term. I told her I feel that maybe she wants out and does not have the guts to do it, or wants me to act so I look like the bad guy. She said it was not about anyone looking bad. I then asked again about not having the courage to go through with it. She then said she did want out. I told since that's what she wants go ahead and file. I will not contest or fight it since I do not want to be with someone that doesn't want me. I asked her what has happened to cause all this and she said we were different and I didn't realize that. 

We both have our faults, but I have been working to improve our relationship. Seems I'm the only one though I am done fighting for it though.


----------



## Tron

Give the defiant what they say they want.

180...hard.


----------



## aine

Troop said:


> So last night I asked if we could talk about how her "space" was going. It is always like pulling teeth to get her to talk and be open, but she said nothing had changed. This did not make sense to me as I have only been talking to her when we are both home, which is not often since we work opposite shifts.
> 
> I said I feel that she has very negative feelings towards me, which she denied. I do not buy that as I saw a text where she referred to me in a not nice term. I told her I feel that maybe she wants out and does not have the guts to do it, or wants me to act so I look like the bad guy. She said it was not about anyone looking bad. I then asked again about not having the courage to go through with it. She then said she did want out. I told since that's what she wants go ahead and file. I will not contest or fight it since I do not want to be with someone that doesn't want me. I asked her what has happened to cause all this and she said we were different and I didn't realize that.
> 
> We both have our faults, but I have been working to improve our relationship. Seems I'm the only one though I am done fighting for it though.



Troop you sound lost and needy, you have to man up and show her that you don't need her and you can go it alone if necessary. Why should she change anything if she has the best of both worlds? Please do the 180 on her, that means not asking her about her feelings or the future. You have to do it maybe to save the marriage but definitely to save yourself. Take it one step at a time and back off from her. Go out live your life, meet your friends, don't tell her where you are going, have other plans, etc.


----------



## Decorum

Troop said:


> I have only read random messages. I really do not think anything physical has occurred with either situation (yet). The first guy is married, the current one is going through a divorce. She has not stopped talking to the guy. Her reason at first was he was having a hard time. Obviously I think it is more than that.
> 
> I am having a hard time accepting all this. This is not the woman I have known for 19 years. She is all about family, and I can't believe she is doing this.


It would be a very rare case for a wife to carry on these kind of relationships with other men and it not go physical over this period of time. 

I think you are fooling yourself. It is very hard (almost impossible) to compete with the new guy who is meeting all your wife's emotional needs. She will not be able to resist him physically either it how women are wired, sorry.

If you had broken up this affair sooner you would have had a better chance to save this. Its not too late, just more unlikely until that relationship runs its course and she comes back saying "I made the biggest mistake of my life"

Yours will be to take her back then with no consequences and no genuine remorse on her part because she will likely cheat again.

I am sorry.


----------



## Decorum

LongWalk said:


> Have you read about the 180?
> 
> She's not talking to you because she's emotionally invested in OM. she may one of the reasons he is divorcing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah this!


----------



## just got it 55

Troop said:


> So last night I asked if we could talk about how her "space" was going. It is always like pulling teeth to get her to talk and be open, but she said nothing had changed. This did not make sense to me as I have only been talking to her when we are both home, which is not often since we work opposite shifts.
> 
> I said I feel that she has very negative feelings towards me, which she denied. I do not buy that as I saw a text where she referred to me in a not nice term. I told her I feel that maybe she wants out and does not have the guts to do it, or wants me to act so I look like the bad guy. She said it was not about anyone looking bad. I then asked again about not having the courage to go through with it. *She then said she did want out*. I told since that's what she wants go ahead and file. I will not contest or fight it since I do not want to be with someone that doesn't want me. I asked her what has happened to cause all this and she said we were different and I didn't realize that.
> 
> We both have our faults, but I have been working to improve our relationship. Seems I'm the only one though I am done fighting for it though.


Troop Tell her Thats good....you know what you want....Now I know what I need to do.....Go Dark

55


----------



## happyman64

Here are some wise words from a poster regarding Divorce. 

"Newbies - if you love them, and they are not remorseful, have a think about starting a divorce. OK, so this one is going to take a little explaining, because it's very counter intuitive and divorce would surely be the last things on our minds. 

Here's your checklist 

You 
1. Feel your life has imploded 
2. Are devastated 
3. Cannot understand how to survive the next day 
4. Desperately want to save the marriage 
5. Believe you love your spouse 
6. Have something in your gut telling you your spouse should be doing more 
7. Feel like you would "know" if they were completely remorseful and just don't feel it. 

Them 
1. Are defensive 
2. Do what you ask, but only because you get so upset. 
3. Don't go above and beyond, don't amaze you with how much they do to help you 
4. Get angry or defensive 
5. Use any of the following 
. I'm confused 
. I don't know if I love you 
. I need to find myself 
. You're being too demanding 
. I probably had the affair because you.... 

If they above rings true, divorce should at least be on your agenda of options. 

Right then I suppose I'd better justify this. 

Look, why would you stay married to such a person? not only did they devastate you, but they are continuing to hurt you. There's no reason to be married to a person like that! You want to be married to someone that protects you, treasures you, loves you, and makes you feel loved. The person you thought existed didn't. that person is selfish, cruel, heartless. They are a liar, an adulter. Who wants to be married to a loser like that? What they have done is perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce. so do it. 

Divorce them immediately. 

You have to accept the reality of your wayward spouse's situation. They are confused about whom they love, whom they want to be with. The worst case scenario is that they will continue the affair, and because the affair is addictive, and makes them feel good, they will do this in all situations possible, no matter what the effect on you is. You are probably thinking that your situation is different. It really isn't. If the worst case scenario doesn't happen then your spouse is going to exist in a sort of limbo, not knowing where to turn. All this time your soul will be dying because you will not be able to comprehend that the person you love didn't come running back into your arms once you caught them or the affair was exposed. It does happen, but it's very, very rare. Much more likely is that you will both exist in a limbo, not knowing what will happen next, or how to move forward. The WS will be confused, and the BS will be utterly devastated. This **** needs to end, and it will ONLY end when the BS says it ends. If your WS says they need time, or distance, or space. If they say they are confused, they are lost, they "regret" the affair, or "reg that you got hurt" then they DO NOT GET WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU and will NOT get it until you put your foot down and say enough. It's terrible enough to be the victim of infidelity, but the sad reality is that somehow you have to dredge up the strength to fight for you spouse if you want them back, despite what they have done to you. Fighting means tough love. It means putting an end to their nonsense. It means waking them up to what they are about to realise. Or even letting them go if they do not wake up. It means instigating divorce proceedings. 

Beginning divorce proceedings has a number of benefits for you 

1. Self Respect. 
Infidelity trashes your self respect. Claim some back by taking control of the situation. Now the relationship is taking a path YOU have defined, that YOU are in control of. As a new BS you will crave control, crave rationality. Beginning a divorce will give you this control. 

2. A bull**** time limit 
An unremorseful wayward spouse is a nasty piece of work. They will lie, manipulate, and continue to betray you. They will protect themselves and their lover at your expense, and the expense of any children. They will tell you everything you need to hear, but only when you drag it out of them in agony. They will be difficult, argumentative, angry and defensive. Basically, they are unpleasant people. Critically, they will CONTINUE to be unpleasant people until YOU do something about it. They will sit on the fence, wrapped up in their own feelings, whilst your soul dies. You may think that YOUR spouse is different. They arn't. beginning divorce proceedings puts a finite time limit on their bull****. They can lie to you, make you feel like YOU are the bad guy, give you every excuse in the book as to why they are not stepping up and fixing the marriage, but the clock is ticking.When they clock expires, you are free of all teir bull**** and can start the healing process. 

3. Vision 
A BS's world is very dark. We wonder how to survive today, never mind tomorrow. There appears to be no future. We can see no life without misery. We can see no freedom, no light, no smiling, no joy. All ahead is dark. Start divorce proceedings. Now you have a future. It may not be the future you had ever hoped for, but it's a future. Sometime to aim for, something to plan for. Something that will force you to get some sleep so you can organise your life. 

4. Healing 
If you are with an uremorseful wayward spouse, things are going to get worse, not better. You are certainly not going to start healing. that happens when they become remorseful, or you are free of them. 
so divorce the bastards. They are not worth being married to. 
However. 

Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe that pathetic excuse for a spouse isn't the limit of their potential. Maybe they have it within them to actually be the person you thought they were. Hell. Maybe they can be MORE than you or they ever thought. The wayward spouses on here who are remorseful are incredibly self aware, rounded human beings. They stand no nonsense. They examine themselves for their faults relentlessly. They make you want to stand up and applaud. They make you want to be a better man. Wouldn't it be nice if you were married to a person like that. THAT would be ****ing awesome. Well, remember why you fell in love. you believe that person is worth more, or you wouldn't still be reading this post. 

Filing for divorce MIGHT just make them 
1. Realise what they are about to lose 
2. Take a long hard look at themselves 
3. Recognise that their bull****, lying, and manipulating is pointless, because the clock just keeps ticking. 
there are countless tales on here, including my own, where nothing happened until the BS retook control of the relationship. The WS sat on the fence happily destroying the BS, wrapped up in their own little drama, UNTIL the BS decided they had had enough and took control. 

So, you start divorce proceedings. what are the possible outcomes. 

1. They sort themselves out and start to "get it" 
Keep the proceedings going until you are damn sure you have someone who is remorseful, not someone who is just playing up to get you to stop. You can always restart the process. In the UK its awesome because there are several points where you can basically press the "pause" button, and then start it rolling again. However, if they really do realise what they have lost and start to fight for it, then you can kill the process. That's what happened for me, and I'm convinced it's what a lot of people need to be doing. 
2. They get angry and leave 
Wave them goodbye with a smile. Good riddance - all you have done is start a process you would have to have gone down in the end anyway, so all that's happened is that you have shortcutted the process, saved yourself from tolerating their craziness, and retaken control of your life. Hell, they may even come crawling back. It happens. what happens after that is of course, up to you. 
3. They continue lying and cheating 

Well, sounds like a good reason to divorce someone to me. 

Look, I am VERY pro marriage. I believe that with a remorseful wayward spouse, and a forgiving Betrayed Spouse, marriages can be stronger and more fulfilling than they ever were before the affair, because neither partner is now taking the other for granted. Both are working at the marriage. I would rather get to that point without the agony of betrayal, but hey. However, I am NOT pro foggy remorseful spouse. It breaks my heart to read post after post from betrayed spouses who have just been stabbed in the heart and still have the courage to want to save their marriage, whilst their WS is still in foggy lala land. It's sickening. Nothing ever changed until the BS retakes control, so when I say "divorce them", what I really mean is "retake control of your life, and put time limit on the pain". 

so, if you are with an unremorseful spouse, who is hurting you, think about divorcing them. It's an acknowledgement of the reality of the situation you have been forced into. It doesn't have to go the full term, but either way it's a win win situation. 
People always say "dont make any rash decisions for six months". But that is assuming both people are back on board. If your spouse is still hurting you by lying, minimising, getting angry or defensive, then no-one expects you to put up with that for six months. you're being emotionally abused. Put a stop to it. Give it a time limit. 

I love my wife with all my heart. However, I wish I had started divorce proceedings against her the moment I realised she was not remorseful. We might have made it, we might not, but I would not have been put through six weeks of hell that he left me far more traumatised than the original affair did. If you love them, then be prepared to let them go. It's your best shot at getting them back. "


----------



## Troop

Yesterday was a rough day. Didn't go to work and spent some time with a couple buddies. Although I still can't believe all this is happening, I am coming to grips with it. I suggested that we use a mediator because I do not think we will fight about everything. The kids are both of our focus'.

Did not talk to her at all yesterday. Very strange to be next to her and the kids and only talk to the boys. Began exercising again earlier this week and am going to join the gym again. Organized a card game with the guys for tonight. Trying to take control of my life again. 

I was reading some other threads and it hit me how whenever caught she was never remorseful. My therapist and I had discussed that before, how she would onlyn say sorry and I didn't mean to hurt you. That didn't help me and my therapist said was not a meaningful apology. After reading the posts I realize what true remorse is. She didn't care what she did to me, only that she got caught. I have to get that through my head. 

I think I am ready to move on, but the. I am so scared about what life will be like. Deep down I know it is for the best because she will never love me how I need to be loved, but it is difficult giving up the life I've had for 19 years and thinking about what it will do to our boys. I don't think I'm whining, just thinking about what once was. Memories of all the good times as a family are not really good memories anymore. 

My parents divorced when I was 12 and I was very angry for a long time. I did not get over how I felt towards my father until my 30's, and it is still there a little bit. That was a different situation, but I am scared for my kids well emotional well being. 

Thank you for your words and support. I do know I deserve better and am trying my best to focus on myself, my health and well-being, and my boys.


----------



## happyman64

Troop

Your wife is selfish.

A selfish person only thinks of themselves.

Sadly, your wife might not realize how much she loves you until you are gone from her life.

But you deserve to be happy to. 

And her out of your life might just bring you that happiness.

HM


----------



## LongWalk

Good post, Troop. Read and reread HappyMan's advice to strengthen yourself.

re: the 180
You don't have to mechanically give her the silent treatment. In fact, it is stronger if you just treat her politely. Your communication with her is now is managed by a professional who never gets angry or upset. He never talks without a clear and firm purpose. There is no friendly chat but you don't seethe or grind gears.

You should seize the initiative in getting the divorce moving. Better to dump than be dumped. There is very little chance of reconciliation with a WAW cheater like yours. 

Hit the gym hard. The rowing machine is extremely effective in giving a complete workout. Pain in the gym will help you sleep at night. When you lie down, you need to feel your soreness instead of dwelling on the septic emotional state of your marriage.

Also, remember that hundreds of women in your area are going through the divorce process right now (I assume you don't live in North Dakota). Some of them are working on themselves and by the time you are ready to date there several who are good looking, kind and appropriately horny. All you have to do is have your shxt together so that you can weed out the cruel step mothers, BPD/NPD, etc.


----------



## Troop

I've been reading No More Mr. Nice Guy....a lot of that describes me. I've always wanted to do for others before myself. Now it is time to put myself first (and my kids). 

I think back and realize I have always had doubts if she truly loved me. It was like she only went through the motions. Maybe because we were involved so young and just continued our lives together. We both wanted more kids, bigger house, etc. 

I just wish there were no kids involved. I know they say kids are resilient, but it crushes me the pain this will cause them. 

I sent her a text this morning suggesting that we be careful discussing this with others when the kids are around. They need to hear this from us, not someone else. Told her they need to hear from us together that we both love them and this has nothing to do with them. She agrees.


----------



## Roselyn

Woman here, married for ongoing 35 years. Your wife is having an affair and will not give her lover up. It is time for you to move on. Since you have already seen a counselor and an attorney, you already know the answer. Protect yourself legally and protect your assets. As your wife is the one who wants another life, ask her to leave while she is in the "fog". She'll want her lover and will give up many things that are advantageous to you. "Strike while the iron is hot"!


----------



## Troop

Very tough day at therapy this morning bringing him up to speed on the new developments. Thinking about all the good family memories, things we have done and how that will no longer happen, and I can't look at those as good memories anymore since they included my WS. 

Having the guys over to play cards tonight. Our families are all very close, even go on vacation together. One buddy already knows the situation. Was thinking of telling the others also but unsure if I should tell about the EA's. Just concerned I still have to be able to communicate with her and be civil due to the kids and wanting to use mediation. 

When i saw her this morning I said hi, mainly because the kids were there and I don't want them to suspect anything. She grunted something which I questioned and she sAid hello. 

Good part of the day was hanging with the little boys. 

I am glad I found TAM. Five years Go I wouldn't have dreamed of putting myself out here like this, but I am a different person now. Thank you for your support and advice.


----------



## Chaparral

Its very important to read the mmslp book linked to below. Looks like its too late for the NOT JUST FRIENDS book unless you think there is still a chance of saving your marriage.


----------



## Troop

So yesterday when she got up (she works overnights) I had decided not to initiate any talk. She came downstairs and was asking who was coming over. I answered her question and she then continued about what she was going to do with the kids and and they had to go to the store. I did not acknowledge as there were no questions asked of me. When she left my oldest and I were both near her. She said bye and I didn't respond figuring she was talking to him. She repeated and I asked who she was talking to. She said me so I said bye and she says have fun. 

Actually felt good not attempting to initiate communication with her, although it is painful to do so. 

She has also been sleeping on our little boys room in the 4 year olds bed. This is not good. When she working nights he asks me to sleep there also. I do not and at some point he comes into my bed. I want to tell her it is not healthy and to sleep in the guest room, but then the oldest will wonder what is up. We have not talked about what we will tell them, and my guess is she will not initiate that conversation with me.


----------



## LongWalk

Don't worry about the sleeping arrangements.

Did you hit the gym today?


----------



## Troop

Signed up this morning but didn't get a chance to workout. Will run tomorrow morning. Went to a buddy's house after because I didn't want to go home....

Tonight's been tough. My wifes family came over to color Easter eggs, something we do every year. I am feeling like a complete outsider even though I do not think they know anything. It is just the fact that I will be losing this part of my family....I know I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am trying to stop feeling that way. 

It's difficult to look at my wife and process how what we were before is no longer. I try to do this by thinking of what she has done and that I do not deserve to be treated that way. 

Part of me just wants to announce to all her family right now that she wants a divorce and tell them about the EA's, but this would serve no purpose and cause tension and issues later.


----------



## Decorum

Once someone else starts meeting your wife's emotional needs she will completely detach from you. (and BTW she will not be able to resist a man sexually who is meeting her emotional needs)

People tend to balance guilt with blame, she will rewrite your marriage history and it will all be your fault.

Infidelity is unlike any other problem in marriage because of the guilt factor and the brain chemicals involved.

The steps to deal with these are counter-intuitive.
What you normally do to correct a problem in a relationship can actually make this worse.

Eventually you may need to expose, eventually you may need to file for divorce, and do the 180, just to try to save your marriage.

There are some steps you should follow to try to disarm her blame for you but they need to be done in a way that does not look like you are desperately trying to win her back.

Currently you do not seem to have the resolve to do what needs to be done. 

You marriage is bleeding to death and you need to apply pressure to the wound to try and save it but you are unwilling because you are afraid it will hurt or make it worse.

I get it, who ever has any practice with this right?

You are polarized by ignorance and fear, no offense intended.

In the meantime your marriage is bleeding out.

I am sorry, I hope it works out for you.

Take care.


----------



## MarriedDude

Sounds like your starting to get there. 

Keep it polite -keep it civil. Keep it business like -and only about household business and your children. Have her move her thing out of the Master Bedroom....if she's sleeping with the kid -she can use his closet. Quit trying to make it appear normal to family -it's not. No matter how good you think you are maintaining -they can feel something is up. And they are right. 

But for the love of all that is holy---DO NOT break down and talk to her about your feelings anymore. Every time you act weak -she will move closer towards the other man. 

You have sons- even though they are young -they will remember this strange time. You are modeling behavior for them...in time when they are married -would you rather they sit there and take it from their WAW -or would you want them to be strong and take no $hit? 

The stronger you appear -the more attractive you become -the weaker you appear -the more attractive every other guy on earth starts looking.


----------



## 6301

Have you got an attorney yet? If not you need one and have her served. 

If she's showing no remorse then it's like beating a dead horse. When you do have her served you damn well better let friend and family know the reason because she can very well spin a yarn and make you look like the bad guy and the way it plays out is the first story always sounds like the truth and the counter story sound bogus. The blame has to lie at the feet of the one who did the betraying.


----------



## Troop

Although I struggle with my emotions about the situation, I am trying to practice the 180 (for my benefit). Since she told me she did not want to be married I have not discussed how I feel or what we can do to work on things. Instead the only talk I initiate is hello, goodbye, or if it is something regarding the kids. If she says something to me I will respond, but I have been able to avoid continuing the conversation. For the most part I have had the urge to look at her phone records online, check her phone, or check if she is constantly on FB. When I do get the urge I tell myself doing those things will only lead to more pain and the urge goes away.

When we talked about splitting last Wednesday I suggested using a mediator since I feel we need to and can be civil with each other. I also told her that is in her court since she is the one that wants out. She is the type of person that will not act though and maintain the status quo. I realize that would most likely be fine to her since she gets to stay in the house, doesn't have to explain a split, deal with telling the kids, and still continue the EA's. If this happens it would NOT be okay with me. My therapist suggested giving her a list of mediators in the area and ask her to pick one if I want to move it along. Think I'm going to because I do not want to live this way. I spoke with my attorney 1.5 weeks ago. At that time he just said to stay in the house and do not leave the bedroom. I was not the one asking for space or doing wrong and should not be the one inconvienced. 

I am getting stronger with dealing with this, but at times i do have weak moments emotionally. However, these are internal moments and I do not go back to her and discuss saving "us". I know better now.


----------



## harrybrown

Troop said:


> Signed up this morning but didn't get a chance to workout. Will run tomorrow morning. Went to a buddy's house after because I didn't want to go home....
> 
> Tonight's been tough. My wifes family came over to color Easter eggs, something we do every year. I am feeling like a complete outsider even though I do not think they know anything. It is just the fact that I will be losing this part of my family....I know I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I am trying to stop feeling that way.
> 
> It's difficult to look at my wife and process how what we were before is no longer. I try to do this by thinking of what she has done and that I do not deserve to be treated that way.
> 
> Part of me just wants to announce to all her family right now that she wants a divorce and tell them about the EA's, but this would serve no purpose and cause tension and issues later.



probably a good idea to expose now.


----------



## the guy

Hang in there man. Some of the greatest challanges bring the best rewards.

It's just a matter of time that you get this all behind you and meet someone that wants you and only you.

My advise is start faking how positive this is and in time you will see being positive will come natural. People like being around positive guys and chicks love confident guy so just let this women go knowing you will be fine with out the cheating POS. With the right additude it won't be long before you start meeting new people.

Have you been checked for STD's?


----------



## the guy

harrybrown said:


> probably a good idea to expose now.


:iagree:

It's time to inform folks that your done with all this infidelity and can no longer tolorate the disrespect.


----------



## Troop

Tough spending the holiday with the STBXW and her family. Her phone went off this morning and I saw on the screen the guy she has been texting and calling said he wished she was with him. That got me angry. Told myself I shouldn't care since she wants to be somewhere else. F**k her. Hard seeing her on her phone all the time and thinking she is texting him. Don't get me wrong, I don't say anything to her. I'm just saying it hurts and makes me upset and now feeling the anger. 

Took my ring off today. Was going to leave it on her dresser where hers have been but she actually wore them. I am not a fool, I know she only had them on so her family would not notice. Haven't decided if I will leave it for her or hold onto it for now. 

Difficult being with her family and knowing this is the last holiday I will be a part of. I had a hard time early on with them because I did not grow up with close family, but have come to love and enjoy them. They have always been there for us. 

Was wondering how she will explain it if she starts seeing this new guy quickly. I suppose she will hide it for awhile. My therapist says over time people will see her for what she is, or I should say has become. Karma...


----------



## Borntohang

Do you want your wife back? If you don't that's fine... But if you want to try to salvage this, you need to steer the ship! You're not leading this. You're just letting things happen! Take the lead and let her family know! They're your and your kids family too! Expose this! Hold your head up!


----------



## Decorum

6301 said:


> Have you got an attorney yet? If not you need one and have her served.
> 
> If she's showing no remorse then it's like beating a dead horse. When you do have her served you damn well better let friend and family know the reason because she can very well spin a yarn and make you look like the bad guy and the way it plays out is the first story always sounds like the truth and the counter story sound bogus. The blame has to lie at the feet of the one who did the betraying.






the guy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It's time to inform folks that your done with all this infidelity and can no longer tolorate the disrespect.








Troop said:


> Tough spending the holiday with the STBXW and her family. Her phone went off this morning and I saw on the screen the guy she has been texting and calling said he wished she was with him. That got me angry. Told myself I shouldn't care since she wants to be somewhere else. F**k her. Hard seeing her on her phone all the time and thinking she is texting him. Don't get me wrong, I don't say anything to her. I'm just saying it hurts and makes me upset and now feeling the anger.
> 
> Took my ring off today. Was going to leave it on her dresser where hers have been but she actually wore them. I am not a fool, I know she only had them on so her family would not notice. Haven't decided if I will leave it for her or hold onto it for now.
> 
> Difficult being with her family and knowing this is the last holiday I will be a part of. I had a hard time early on with them because I did not grow up with close family, but have come to love and enjoy them. They have always been there for us.
> 
> Was wondering how she will explain it if she starts seeing this new guy quickly. I suppose she will hide it for awhile. My therapist says over time people will see her for what she is, or I should say has become. Karma...


Do you really think its for the best to keep quite?


.


----------



## Troop

I think I'm kind of confused. Are you saying I should tell her family what is going on?


----------



## tom67

Troop said:


> I think I'm kind of confused. Are you saying I should tell her family what is going on?


Yes!!!
Just stick to the facts affairs usually die when out in the open the high of secrecy and taboo is gone.


----------



## aine

Troop said:


> I think I'm kind of confused. Are you saying I should tell her family what is going on?


Absolutely, blow her out of the water, why are you protecting her and her affair? She may not feel so rosy abou the whole thing when she is hit with the reality of what she is doing. You should not be protecting her and keeping it a secret. Affairs flourish in secrecy expose it now.


----------



## Decorum

Troop said:


> I think I'm kind of confused. Are you saying I should tell her family what is going on?


SMH. Why, oh why would you hide it?

I feel like you are in a canoe and drifting toward a waterfall and you cant hear the people on shore calling to you. You kind of wave and blithely smile at them.
Then you ask "should I paddle?"

If you suspect an affair typically we recommend the following.

1.Do not confront yet, begin the 180.
2. Gather evidence, here is the standard evidence post for you to read. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
3.Contact an attorney file for divorce (Separate finances etc) and have her served.
4. Confront her and expose the affair.

Never confront without evidence and never reveal your sources.

There are reasons for the order, sometimes it makes sense to switch the last ones around some. Also the exposure can be tailored to suit your goals, reconciliation, divorce, a better divorce settlement etc.

*Listen, the presence of an affair partner can make an ok marriage that is fixable seem intolerable to the wayward spouse and pushed it to divorce rather quickly and often unexpectedly, and unnecessarily*

Often if the affair is broken up by the above steps the WS will want to reconcile. Sometimes the WS is truly remorseful and the BS decides to give it a go.

Breaking up the affair changes things.

You are letting it happen which means you are on a course for divorce. Perhaps you also want her in a fog to get it done favorably and quickly. IDK

Holding off on exposure to get a favorable settlement is a hit or miss. Often the WW will say I don't want anything until the lawyer gets involved then the claws come out.

It looks like you are just accepting of this and waiting to get it over. Is that what you want?


If later she decides to try and save the marriage (It's your call not hers really) and you want to, but you treat it like she just got over a head cold and your glad she is back to normal (no consequences) she will have no respect for you, and will likely cheat again.

If all you want to do is end the marriage then this will work, but it's awful to watch her treat you this way, and I am not sure what you will get for it. I could not do it.


Your thread just seems in limbo to me, where do you want this to go?

Here is the newbie thread for further reading --> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

You should ask a Mod to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum.

.


----------



## Troop

Yes, I do feel lost and do not know what to do. It is hard not to. I have been doing the 180. 

If she was to be truly remorseful then i do want to make this work, but i do not think that would happen. 

The "affair fog" makes sense, how she is wrapped up in the newness of it. Yes, I am afraid if I push it not only will I not succeed in getting her to come out of the fog but will make getting along down the road for the sake of the kids difficult. I feel like I am juggling a million balls. 

We had a 10 year anniversary trip scheduled next month (has been cancelled) and her parents were going to watch the kids. Today I will ask her mom if she has told them we are not going and see that leads. I do not think she has told them. 

So yes, No matter what I do I am afraid it will be the wrong thing. I really do want to make it work but not how it was and It appears she does not want to.


----------



## LongWalk

Troop,

You are dealing with a common situation. **** Sapiens are not biologically programmed for monogamy. That is why there is a big hassle with weddings and vows. Women traditionally take the surname of their husband. This is not feminist approved custom. Why are modern women still doing it? To make their men more confident that they are committed to monogamy.

However, a woman's desire for strange does not disappear. You sacrifice to build a life together that is secure. Maybe you are in the shopping mall and your wife sees you glance at another woman's butt. She doesn't say anything but she resents it. A friend of hers gets a new car because her husband got a promotion and raise along with it. She resents you. You slept with your mouth open a drooled on the pillow. She wanted to punch you in the face. She stopped loving you. You screwed her and she just wanted it to be over and done with, but you couldn't just pull out and end it without a climax. 

Once she moved into walk away wife thinking she also began scouting for a new man. Biologically it makes perfect sense. Why would a lone female in hunter gathering setting kick her mate out without a replacement to protect and provide?

All of this is theory and you are dealing with real life. You need to give it thought so that you can be confident about your course of action.

1) Do the 180
2) Do it with style. Don't be a sullen robot. Be cheerful but detached. Speak to your stbx as necessary. Be polite. Diplomatic. Respectful. Keep all communication short.
3) Do not get sucked into any relationship discussions.
4) File for divorce.
5) Do not leave your home.
6) Book a time with MC and invite her to go. The purpose of MC is to discuss amicable divorce. If your wife breaks down, cries and wants to save your marriage, you may try for R, but don't get let her jerk you back and forth.

Your wife said she wanted out. She wants to try strange. That will be a major blow to your marriage. But you should not beg her not to sleep OM. You are cutting her loose. Give defiant people what they want.

Stand up straight. Look your wife in the eye when you speak to her. 

Are you working out?

Have any bad habits? Smoke? Drink? Porn addicted? Now is the time to go cold turkey. Make yourself a better person for you.


----------



## Regretf

LongWalk said:


> Troop,
> 
> You are dealing with a common situation. **** Sapiens are not biologically programmed for monogamy. That is why there is a big hassle with weddings and vows. Women traditionally take the surname of their husband. This is not feminist approved custom. Why are modern women still doing it? To make their men more confident that they are committed to monogamy.
> 
> However, a woman's desire for strange does not disappear. You sacrifice to build a life together that is secure. *Maybe you are in the shopping mall and your wife sees you glance at another woman's butt. She doesn't say anything but she resents it. A friend of hers gets a new car because her husband got a promotion and raise along with it. She resents you. You slept with your mouth open a drooled on the pillow. She wanted to punch you in the face. She stopped loving you. You screwed her and she just wanted it to be over and done with, but you couldn't just pull out and end it without a climax.*
> 
> Once she moved into walk away wife thinking she also began scouting for a new man. Biologically it makes perfect sense. Why would a lone female in hunter gathering setting kick her mate out without a replacement to protect and provide?
> 
> All of this is theory and you are dealing with real life. You need to give it thought so that you can be confident about your course of action.
> 
> 1) Do the 180
> 2) Do it with style. Don't be a sullen robot. Be cheerful but detached. Speak to your stbx as necessary. Be polite. Diplomatic. Respectful. Keep all communication short.
> 3) Do not get sucked into any relationship discussions.
> 4) File for divorce.
> 5) Do not leave your home.
> 6) Book a time with MC and invite her to go. The purpose of MC is to discuss amicable divorce. If your wife breaks down, cries and wants to save your marriage, you may try for R, but don't get let her jerk you back and forth.
> 
> Your wife said she wanted out. She wants to try strange. That will be a major blow to your marriage. But you should not beg her not to sleep OM. You are cutting her loose. Give defiant people what they want.
> 
> Stand up straight. Look your wife in the eye when you speak to her.
> 
> Are you working out?
> 
> Have any bad habits? Smoke? Drink? Porn addicted? Now is the time to go cold turkey. Make yourself a better person for you.


One of the best posts i've read here Longwalk. You are dead on the resentment part. Some people or women for the most part, bottled up their feelings and end up building up resentment and that kills love. Comunication, unfourtunately we sometimes don't know how to comunícate or expect our partner to "figure" everything out without us having to tell him/her about our feelings.

It's amazing how we can resent our SO for tlittle things that accumulate throughout the years, if we don't say anything how can we ecpect things to be different. And yes women compare themselves to other women and compare their H to other H, and begin to resent.

There's an analogy i read over at Zillard's thread that's dead on about how we choose to look at life:

You are in control of your own happiness. 

So much of our suffering is caused by our own attachments. Our delusions. Our expectations of how things should be. 

He said, "We do not feel our circumstances. We feel our thoughts about our circumstances." 

Our preconceived notions, our assumptions, our learned reactions, our desires... they are all filters that we add unnecessarily in order to see what we want to see. To feel what we want to feel. 

An attempt to avoid suffering which really only causes more. 

He had a good analogy: *If we take a heaping spoonful of salt and put it in a glass of water, how easy will that be to drink? 

What if we put the same spoonful into a pitcher of water? A little bit easier. 

What about a water cooler? How about a lake? You wouldn't even notice. 

The amount of salt (our suffering) did not change. Only the amount of water changed. The water is gratitude. 

Gratitude for the things that are right in our lives. As we focus on those, we have gratitude for smaller and smaller things. Due to that, our troubles pale in comparison.

No matter how troublesome you think your life is... someone, somewhere dreams of having your life. *

That is one of the best analogies i've read in my life and apply to all of us, it's how we see ourselves and lives, you know the old "half empty/half full glass".

Regrets over things that we see as negatives instead of seeing all our positives in life make us miserable, getting rid of the M or H/W will not make us instantly happier if we do not change the Outlook in our lives.


----------



## Decorum

Troop said:


> Yes, I do feel lost and do not know what to do. It is hard not to. I have been doing the 180.
> 
> If she was to be truly remorseful then i do want to make this work, but i do not think that would happen.
> 
> The "affair fog" makes sense, how she is wrapped up in the newness of it. Yes, I am afraid if I push it not only will I not succeed in getting her to come out of the fog but will make getting along down the road for the sake of the kids difficult. I feel like I am juggling a million balls.
> 
> We had a 10 year anniversary trip scheduled next month (has been cancelled) and her parents were going to watch the kids. Today I will ask her mom if she has told them we are not going and see that leads. I do not think she has told them.
> 
> So yes, No matter what I do I am afraid it will be the wrong thing. I really do want to make it work but not how it was and It appears she does not want to.



Look, here are your choices...

1. Do nothing and get a divorce, (an clobbered socially and legally).

2. Bust up the affair, protect yourself, move on and you may save the marriage if she as enough consequences come her way and becomes truly remorseful..

Men of action do best in these situations, if you let fear make you passive then you are simply enabling her.

Are you reading any of the other threads here to see how other BS's handled it?

IDK maybe because you are headed for divorce your thread is not getting much attention, sad really.

You have to educate yourself and help yourself. 

I will not be posting here any more so this is all I can offer you. I do wish you well. Take care!


----------



## Troop

LongWalk said:


> Troop,
> 
> You are dealing with a common situation. **** Sapiens are not biologically programmed for monogamy. That is why there is a big hassle with weddings and vows. Women traditionally take the surname of their husband. This is not feminist approved custom. Why are modern women still doing it? To make their men more confident that they are committed to monogamy.
> 
> However, a woman's desire for strange does not disappear. You sacrifice to build a life together that is secure. Maybe you are in the shopping mall and your wife sees you glance at another woman's butt. She doesn't say anything but she resents it. A friend of hers gets a new car because her husband got a promotion and raise along with it. She resents you. You slept with your mouth open a drooled on the pillow. She wanted to punch you in the face. She stopped loving you. You screwed her and she just wanted it to be over and done with, but you couldn't just pull out and end it without a climax.
> 
> Once she moved into walk away wife thinking she also began scouting for a new man. Biologically it makes perfect sense. Why would a lone female in hunter gathering setting kick her mate out without a replacement to protect and provide?
> 
> All of this is theory and you are dealing with real life. You need to give it thought so that you can be confident about your course of action.
> 
> 1) Do the 180
> 2) Do it with style. Don't be a sullen robot. Be cheerful but detached. Speak to your stbx as necessary. Be polite. Diplomatic. Respectful. Keep all communication short.
> 3) Do not get sucked into any relationship discussions.
> 4) File for divorce.
> 5) Do not leave your home.
> 6) Book a time with MC and invite her to go. The purpose of MC is to discuss amicable divorce. If your wife breaks down, cries and wants to save your marriage, you may try for R, but don't get let her jerk you back and forth.
> 
> Your wife said she wanted out. She wants to try strange. That will be a major blow to your marriage. But you should not beg her not to sleep OM. You are cutting her loose. Give defiant people what they want.
> 
> Stand up straight. Look your wife in the eye when you speak to her.
> 
> Are you working out?
> 
> Have any bad habits? Smoke? Drink? Porn addicted? Now is the time to go cold turkey. Make yourself a better person for you.



I have been running. First day at the gym with be tomorrow. No bad habits. Used to enjoy a beer or wine but have not been drinking since this went down.


----------



## LongWalk

For sure you should inform OM's wives and girlfriends that your wife is involved with their men. 

Your wife has to see that you are moving on before you have any chance of saving your marriage. And since the chances are not good, don't pace up and down being needy. 

If she is detaching, you need to show that you can move on. It's a matter of self preservation.


----------



## Chaparral

Confidence and strength will carry you. It will save your marriage or get you prepared for your new life. Inconsistency, weakness, neediness and whining guarantee a divorce and guilt. Your wife is acting like you are a wimp, let her wipe her feet elsewhere.


----------

