# My relationship is dead in the water



## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

Both me and my partner suffer from depression, he takes medication for it but I don't. One of the side effects of the medication is decreased libido; pile smoking on top and I have a totally non-existent sex life. 

He tells me not to take it personally but I struggle so much due to incredibly low self esteem and abandonment issues. 

He's also exacerbated the problem in the following ways:
1. By checking out a waitress whilst we were on a date
2. Making me feel guilty for wanting sex 
3. Talking about his exes and their sexual exploits
4. Only ever instigating sex twice, and that was after spending time around other women
5. Admitting that one of his female friends is his perfect woman
6. By telling me multiple times that he wants to 'bag a ginger' 
7. Letting me pleasure him but giving nothing back
8. By criticising my appearance 
9. Brushing off any advances
10. Prioritising buying weed over being intimate with me

And my absolute favourite; the time one of his female friends invited herself over. He hid the fact he was texting her, wouldn't tell me who he was seeing and disappeared downstairs for ages when she arrived. You could say that I should've invited myself along, I didn't feel remotely welcome to - he kept brushing me off. He then sees the same girl a little while later when she uses him for a lift home. They have a catch-up and he tells her that we're going to Japan, she starts whining and goes 'ohh don't go!' whilst clinging to him! The **** is up with that?  Anyway, he gets home and we have the best sex we've had in ages. Was he thinking about me? I bloody doubt it. 

So I've just given up completely, and now when I look at him I just don't feel anything any more. I've loved this guy since I was 19 and it's taken us like 3 years to get together. So I really don't want to give up on it, but I just don't know what else to do.


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## Progress (Dec 2, 2015)

You might want to focus on making yourself more happy as an individual rather than looking for it in your relationship. For example, spend more time with friends and people that uplift you. Doing this will hopefully make you feel better and at the same time could possibly spark some interest in your partner??
If you have depression that you are not treating you also might want to consider working with your pcp on this. I have/had depression for a long time and tried to work through it naturally. Eventually I tried an anti-depressant that killed my libido and caused a bit of weight gain and felt that added to my issues! After another go several years later I tried Wellbutrin which apparently does not cause the weight gain (maybe loss), my libido actually improved and supposedly it can help smokers quit. 
Are you married with kids? If not it is much easier to make a life change at this point. Not swaying you that direction, but if you both are depressed it is possible to find bliss elsewhere and it may be situational. If your partner is doing the things you say he is doing I see it as being disrespectful. Again, make yourself happy first and foremost and see where it takes you


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What's it going to take for you to realize that he's not that into you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Move on.


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

The thing about depression, it hurts, and it affects so much of your life and who you are. I know I have been there and struggle time to time with it. You really need to take care of you first and making sure you get the medication you need so you can start feeling better about yourself. Once you get you taken care of then you can work on the two of you, if you even want to pursue that anymore. I really hope the best for you but right now you is what is important not your partner.


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## FaithinVisionsRealized (Nov 17, 2015)

I admire your tenacity in wanting to work things out in your relationship. I saw a comment that stated "Moving on". There is a difference between "Moving on" and "Moving Forward" Moving on implies that leaving a relationship or situation will resolve the challenge you are facing. "Moving Forward" involves more internal work figuring out how you are being affected personally and how to resolve the underlying stressors. I would recommend "Moving Forward" in this process with building your own self worth and esteem up. If you do not feel like you are worth while or have a fear of abandonment then other people will pick up on your energy and treat you in such a manner. In other words what we believe can turn into reality (self-fulfilling prophecy). An example of this is of a woman that tells her husband that she is a fear of him leaving her for a younger woman. She tells him this many times and unconsciously, she starts to distance herself from him. Eventually this distance creates is created by your own feelings and doubts. 

On your partner's side, if he is depressed and using drugs this points to him having a similar issue in self esteem which is creating a dynamic of a lack of joy and dissension in your relationship. It sounds as though there maybe pornography or cheating occurring in the relationship as you speak of him talking about being with other women and combined with his addiction and depression challenges. Boundaries are most certainly needed and I would recommend individual counseling in both of your cases and once the internal addictions and challenges are worked through then move to coupes counseling.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Shia,

So this guy is having multiple emotional affairs, very very likely physical affairs, with a large number of women, and my guess is that if any of these women become his main girl they will suffer the same abuse you are. It is him not you, please spare yourself years and years of pain, there is not future with this guy. Your health is suffering being with this idiot, likely woman hater imho, free yourself.

Long term this guy will cheat on you financially as well, leaving you saddled with his debt from him purchasing mink golf clubs. 

He might cry and beg when you leave but don't look back. Let him be the biggest monkey in someone elses circus. 

Tamat


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## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

Progress said:


> You might want to focus on making yourself more happy as an individual rather than looking for it in your relationship. For example, spend more time with friends and people that uplift you.


Totally agree, my best friend is down from Uni soon so I'm really looking forward to that 



Progress said:


> If you have depression that you are not treating you also might want to consider working with your pcp on this.


I've finally gotten round to seeking treatment as I know I can't keep going on like this. My next step is to make another GP appointment, which I'll do tomorrow. 



Progress said:


> Eventually I tried an anti-depressant that killed my libido and caused a bit of weight gain and felt that added to my issues! After another go several years later I tried Wellbutrin which apparently does not cause the weight gain (maybe loss), my libido actually improved and supposedly it can help smokers quit.


That happened to my friend as well, he packed on weight like mad and it made him feel like 10x worse! Oh cool, I've never heard of that one before. Shame it doesn't tackle anxiety because other than it sounds great for the bf. 



Progress said:


> Are you married with kids? If not it is much easier to make a life change at this point. Not swaying you that direction, but if you both are depressed it is possible to find bliss elsewhere and it may be situational. If your partner is doing the things you say he is doing I see it as being disrespectful. Again, make yourself happy first and foremost and see where it takes you


We've come very close to breaking up in the past, but I can never go through with it. He suggested taking a break for a bit, which I think is a good idea. When I see my friend I'll talk to them about crashing at theirs for a week or something. I think it's really disrespectful, he's apologised but they still nag at me. You're absolutely right. 

You've been a total star, thank you so much. It's great to chat with someone who has struggled with depression themselves


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## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

T2shay said:


> The thing about depression, it hurts, and it affects so much of your life and who you are. I know I have been there and struggle time to time with it. You really need to take care of you first and making sure you get the medication you need so you can start feeling better about yourself. Once you get you taken care of then you can work on the two of you, if you even want to pursue that anymore. I really hope the best for you but right now you is what is important not your partner.


Depression is horrible, it's especially hard when you and your partner feed off of each other's negativity. 
You're totally right. My problem is that I derive my self-worth from taking care of others, which leads to unhealthy relationships. 
But your advice has totally confirmed what I've been thinking about for a while; we need a break. I think some time apart will do us the world of good. Especially at the moment, as we seem to be arguing constantly. 
As for medication, hopefully I'll be seeing a GP soon to discuss a treatment for my depression. I'll get there, one step at time.


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## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> What's it going to take for you to realize that he's not that into you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's ridiculously blunt, if he felt that way he would have no problem telling me. He certainly wouldn't have suggested I move in when I left my last place. 

Not to mention how supportive and empathetic he is. He cries when I get upset and looks after me when I'm suffering from delusions. I don't know of many guys who would do that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

shiawase said:


> He's ridiculously blunt, if he felt that way he would have no problem telling me. He certainly wouldn't have suggested I move in when I left my last place.
> 
> Not to mention how supportive and empathetic he is. He cries when I get upset and looks after me when I'm suffering from delusions. I don't know of many guys who would do that.


He seems fine getting his pleasure from you and being sexual when he's recently been around other women, so I don't think it's the meds. I think his libido is just fine and the problem really is that he's just not into you.

Re-read what you wrote above. He's not into you, but he cares about you as a person. He probably thinks you need him to take care of you, so he won't say it. In his mind, you're a dependent, someone he's responsible for, attracted to you or not.

Take a break from this relationship. Get yourself healthy. Then reevaluate from there.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He's not that into you. I'll repeat it. He does like the stability you offer in other ways. You both suffer from depression, so he can feel understood, but still can get away with [email protected] behavior because you allow it. 

I think a great step to helping with your own depression is putting your foot down and letting him go. He is NOT going to help you on your road to recovery (if this is what you desire), he's going to be the anchor that keeps you drowning.


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## shiawase (Dec 4, 2015)

FaithinVisionsRealized said:


> I admire your tenacity in wanting to work things out in your relationship.


People often tell me that 'I'm loyal to a fault'. Sometime I wish I wasn't. 



FaithinVisionsRealized said:


> I saw a comment that stated "Moving on". There is a difference between "Moving on" and "Moving Forward" Moving on implies that leaving a relationship or situation will resolve the challenge you are facing. "Moving Forward" involves more internal work figuring out how you are being affected personally and how to resolve the underlying stressors.


We both understand our problems and are currently seeking help with them. We both know that we need to be more emotionally stable if we are to give each other the support we need. 



FaithinVisionsRealized said:


> I would recommend "Moving Forward" in this process with building your own self worth and esteem up.


Trust me I would try if I knew how to. 



FaithinVisionsRealized said:


> If you do not feel like you are worth while or have a fear of abandonment then other people will pick up on your energy and treat you in such a manner.


I know that one all too well. =/



FaithinVisionsRealized said:


> On your partner's side, if he is depressed and using drugs this points to him having a similar issue in self esteem which is creating a dynamic of a lack of joy and dissension in your relationship.


His self-esteem is insanely low, thanks to his abusive b*stard of a father. His mother also doesn't help as she never sticks up for him. It makes my blood boil!  
Anyway...I try my hardest to increase his self-esteem by complimenting him. But he just doesn't believe me. I also encourage him to go out more and undertake hobbies. But he struggles due to his anxiety and even if he does go it doesn't last for long. 



FaithinVisionsRealized said:


> It sounds as though there maybe pornography or cheating occurring in the relationship as you speak of him talking about being with other women and combined with his addiction and depression challenges. Boundaries are most certainly needed and I would recommend individual counseling in both of your cases and once the internal addictions and challenges are worked through then move to coupes counseling.


Tbh I watch more porn then he does.  As for cheating, that thought has crossed my mind more than once. But he's always reassured me that he isn't. Him spending time around other women is more upsetting as it's the only times he seems to get turned on. Like giving his mate a lift or being around his friend's f*ck-buddy. But he spends time around me and nothing. It makes me feel really sh*t about myself.  I also agree that couselling is a good idea.


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