# Separated and living together



## Fl_girl (Feb 17, 2020)

Recently separated. Have two children and an elderly parents I'm taking care of. I can't afford to continue to live in the house on my salary alone. My husband suggested we continue to live together. We are in separate rooms, but he is acting as if nothing had changed. He has told me it is over, he has given up on our 25 year marriage. We are basically room mates, but he touches me as I walk by, tries to kiss me good morning and goodbye. He hasn't acted like he cares in years and when I question him he refused to talk. We stopped being intimate over 6 months ago. And even then it was months between. It has been like that for over years. I am trying to separate our lives. I have a different schedule now so I can avoid the mornings and evenings. Any suggestions on what else to do as I am so confused


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What's the problem with the marriage?


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Fl_girl said:


> Recently separated. Have two children and an elderly parents I'm taking care of. I can't afford to continue to live in the house on my salary alone. My husband suggested we continue to live together. We are in separate rooms, but he is acting as if nothing had changed. He has told me it is over, he has given up on our 25 year marriage. We are basically room mates, but he touches me as I walk by, tries to kiss me good morning and goodbye. He hasn't acted like he cares in years and when I question him he refused to talk. We stopped being intimate over 6 months ago. And even then it was months between. It has been like that for over years. I am trying to separate our lives. I have a different schedule now so I can avoid the mornings and evenings. Any suggestions on what else to do as I am so confused
> 
> Fl_girl
> Registered User
> ...


What, prompted your move again? And why are your talking the parents? Not to be a jerk, but an honest answer. 

Was you intimacy, in the dumps before your move? What other alerts do you have in the past? Have you or he cheated? Or had a emotional affair? 

You need to give more details, you've only posted 2 times and are not engaging with more info.


----------



## Fl_girl (Feb 17, 2020)

I am taking care of my dad as my mom passed away and he has health issues. Not horrible he manages most things. Just needs help now and then and can't afford to hire someone. As for the marriage. He stopped doing anything. For some.examples. we no longer go anywhere (out to dinner, beach walks, etc) He refused to help around the house (he wanted a fixer and now it is just sitting) I suggest paying someone to complete the projects and he bites my head off, when he is home he is on his tablet playing solitaire. He refused to talk to me, it's like he has lost all interest in life. I even had him see a Dr. Nothing. We had a fairly active sex life until the move. I even suggested he take our savings and move back. He just says he likes what we have.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My ex-husband and I lived this way for 4 years, but our situation was a little different, as I was in a space where I had my own kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, etc. that had no walls attached to the main house.

It's very, very hard on the person who's being divorced.

If the two of you agree to live this way, sort out some very strong boundaries. Take time, and think it through. Perhaps even make this part of a legal separation agreement so that there are legal consequences for not abiding by the terms.

Speak to a lawyer.

If finances are the only consideration for you, a female, paying tenant might be an option. But if that's appealing to you, look into the legality of it in your state and specific to your situation.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

How old are the kids,?


----------



## Fl_girl (Feb 17, 2020)

My children are 14 and 17. My 17 year old is autistic.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Just maybe it's this, l mean some can handle it while others do not do well in that position. Are you both physically fit? Or has time seemed to catch you both on the negative side?


----------



## Fl_girl (Feb 17, 2020)

Not as for as we use to be. But not bad. I have actually gotten better since moving here more active year round.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It doesn't sound like you've gotten a definitive answer on what his problem is. If you are unable to determine his issues, I don't see how you're going to be able to address them. If he has serious emotional issues that cause him to lose interest in life, it's probably beyond your pay grade to fix. It sounds like you need to plan for a future without him in the picture. Others here have suggested that you sometimes need to shock your spouse into giving you some answers or guidance. 

If all else fails, he either needs to shape up or ship out. I don't think anyone has suggested it yet, but don't be surprised if he has love interests elsewhere.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I take it, @Fl_girl ~ that he's(or even you for that matter) is not seeking sexual or emotional companionship outside of the house?

I'd at least be talking to a family attorney if I were you! His marital logic just seems all too faulty!*


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And resentment, comes to the forefront.


----------



## Fl_girl (Feb 17, 2020)

As far as I know there are no other outside interest. He is home all the time when not at work. As for me no. I wouldn't do that I didn't invest 25 years to mess it up that way. And yes I am starting to question everything. And resentment is over my shoulder


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

But sometimes it's the only way to punish another.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So separation (probably no divorce) while living as roommates. Some people manage to do that. The mixed message you’re getting is the affection from him. Does he want the pressure off him to be a fully-participating husband but does want the benefits of being one? Or is that just part of the flirting he’s used to doing? You need to have another talk with him.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

As I posted on your other thread, the problems seem to have started with the move.

Have you explored moving back?


----------



## Fl_girl (Feb 17, 2020)

I offered multiple times, he says he loves it here and would rather be homeless here than move back. I agree it started with the move from my perspective, but with him not talking maybe it was longer. And I was just so caught up on the move and starting the next.chapter in our lives missed it.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Fl_girl said:


> *Recently separated.* Have two children and an elderly parents I'm taking care of. I can't afford to continue to live in the house on my salary alone. My husband suggested we continue to live together. We are in separate rooms, but he is acting as if nothing had changed. He has told me it is over, he has given up on our 25 year marriage. We are basically room mates, but *he touches me as I walk by, tries to kiss me good morning and goodbye.* He hasn't acted like he cares in years and when I question him he refused to talk. We stopped being intimate over 6 months ago. And even then it was months between. It has been like that for over years. *I am trying to separate our lives.* I have a different schedule now so I can avoid the mornings and evenings. Any suggestions on what else to do as I am so confused


I was surprised to hear you say “recently separated”, based upon your other thread. I didn’t get the impression you were there yet in your mind, or had made that clear to him.

Sounds like to me you have not been explicit enough to him about the marriage being over, or else he didn’t understand or us in denial or at least part of him is trying to change your mind.

Some states have a formal “separation” process (mine does not). No idea if that ever applies to in-home separations. Formally separating (if that is a thing in your state) or filing for divorce, is one way to reduce the ambiguity.

But, regardless, I’d think you need a clear conversation about it being over, and what that means to you (no more attempts at affection, however PG rated). And agree to a plan to move forward, as separate in the various ways as you want it to be.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Fl_girl said:


> I offered multiple times, he says he loves it here and would rather be homeless here than move back. I agree it started with the move from my perspective, but with him not talking maybe it was longer. And I was just so caught up on the move and starting the next.chapter in our lives missed it.


Was there some thing in himself or his life that he felt would be fixed with the move?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> Was there some thing in himself or his life that he felt would be fixed with the move?


Insightful question.

I think there's a big missing puzzle piece here.


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Well, sounds like he is getting away with everything and not having to justify why.
Even though he says he is out of the marriage, start the 180 now, seek legal advice etc. 
you have to live your life, not reward him in his removal from the marriage. 
I believe you have spoken about Erectile Disfunction as well as depression etc.
Good luck, the truth will set you free.
Buffer


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He's happy. He got what he wanted. I know, I'm an expert in the field (of giving people what they want and then complain about it)...


----------

