# How to cope with being apart, but working things out?



## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Sorry if this is really long...

I have only been married 3 months, and the last month of that we've been “separated”- I moved out so we could get a divorce after our last incident. The incident was a fight over how I'm the one making all the effort in the marriage and making the money, but he can't even help around the house, and the time he should be spending with me he spends trying to cheat on the internet. There are some other issues in the marriage such as him being emotionally distant, and his constant lying. I'm not saying I'm perfect- I have a tendency to throw the fact that I make much more than him in his face when we argue, instead of sticking to the real issue (which typically involves me finding out about him being on a new dating site). Something that always bothered me is why he'd go on those sites- according to him, I'm his ideal woman physically, and there was never a problem with our sex life.

So, fast forward to after I've been gone for a month...then, a chick contacts me on a social networking site asking if I was really his wife, because they were supposed to be together. I told her we were married but divorcing, and gave her my number in case she wanted to talk. Well, the night I talked with her, a lot of things came to light. First off, they weren't “together”, she was just someone he'd been sleeping with on and off for some time (this info I gathered from her own admissions). Also, he'd slept with her during the course of our marriage. It started to make sense, when I thought of the times he'd come home without socks or underwear, and when he'd say he was going to the store, but would come back many hours later.

I was livid, and it really upset me to hear another woman giving me details about her sexual escapades with my husband- even if I was planning on divorcing him. That night, he called me after not speaking to me for a month (I asked him not to contact me), and we talked. Well actually, I ranted and berated him, then we talked. For hours and hours. We talked about everything from him regretting things he did, to why he ever messed with the girl (she's a total mess, in every way imaginable). Somewhere in that conversation, the notion was brought up that perhaps our marriage could be saved. I didn't know if I was losing my mind because I hadn't slept the whole night, but after I got some sleep I started thinking about whether we could really reconcile. 

On one hand, this is the man that has cheated on me, not been a partner in the marriage at all, lied to me, and been a lousy husband. But on the other hand, I always said I would do all I could to make my marriage work, and I really do love the man. So after thinking, I told him that there's a possibility we could start working things out if he made some changes (including cutting off all contact with his side chick, and us going to marital counseling). He has gone ahead and cut the chick off completely. Now, it's pretty much confirmed that we're not going to divorce, and will work on our marriage. We don't consider ourselves separated right now, we're just married and living apart.

My thing is, I really miss being there with him now. It's weird not seeing him everyday, especially since we're not divorcing. But I'm worried that if I go back now, the old problems will come back because he won't see the need to make the changes he agreed to. And he really needs to work on himself- there's a lot of issues he has that have affected this marriage.

So my question is not 'should I move back now', but how do I cope with being away from my husband while he's working on himself and we work on our marriage? I'm afraid to even go visit him because I know I won't want to leave (we live in different cities now, but are still close in distance).


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

You can read my thread regarding my reconciliation and how it is not going well. I strongly encourage you to take a long separation and really be sure that the changes are permanent with him before you open your heart back up.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

A week..a month isn't long enough. Make sure he REALLY changes as strongenough has said. For change to occur is may take several months. 

Go on a scheduled date...make him court you. Give him a list of things that you want. Is he doing these things? More imporant go with your gut!


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

I'm going to read your thread now, StrongEnough. I actually gave him a list of 14 things that need to be done, culminating with us re-taking our vows, because he obviously didn't honor the ones we took the first time.

The scheduled date and having him court me all over again thing is a good idea though.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Oh, and Corpus, he's only done one thing so far: cutting off contact with the girl. He's been calling daily, and emailing me sweet things...but I'm not going to count that as a change.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

The OW he messed with is really trying to maintain contact with him. Now she's resorted to concocting crazy lies...and keeps trying to involve me! First lie: she says he stole her camera. Ok...if you truly believe that, why are you calling me about it instead of the police? And why wouldn't he just take the money you say was sitting next to it? Because he didn't take anything.

Second lie: "the doctor says I have chlamydia, your husband gave it to me. I'm going to get him back". For one, why are you texting me about it? And how can that be when 1) I got tested when I left, and I'm clean 2) you admit that you not only slept with my husband, but some military guy before he went back on duty (who she says she's dating), and your kid's father that you moved in with you after the military guy left?? 

This lie was the last straw, and it ended up with us having a text war for the past two hours and throwing insults. I was trying to be civil initially and basically told her "Stop trying to keep him in your life, you know he's married...be a lady, and just move on. There's no reason to contact him". She responds calling me all kinds of names, saying I'm stupid for being with him...but SHE is the one lying so she can contact him! It is beyond irritating dealing with this unnecessary drama...let the man go if you think he's such scum! Now, the gloves have come off.

I tell you, these men (and women) who cheat need to really look at what they're getting themselves into. This chick has already keyed my husband's new car, and now look at what she's doing. It's upsetting me because not only did my husband not think about our family before sleeping with this girl, but he didn't consider the long-term effects sleeping with an unstable person would have.

My husband has been doing well not contacting her, but this will really test him. I hate that she's doing this though, and I'm not putting anything past her. Like I said, she has keyed his car.


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