# One person saving the marriage



## ReadyToChange (Nov 6, 2011)

I've been feeling very low and hopeless. But I haven't lost faith in my marriage. I've renewed my relationship with God, and my faith in His wisdom and perfect plan. 

If you believe in saving your marriage, stay the course and pour yourself into what you want. If you do love your spouse then love them unconditionally and let God do the work in them. 

Hopefully this article may help provide some comfort.

http://www.marriagemissions.com/how-to-save-your-marriage-alone/


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Leave god out of it. Its just an excuse for you to do nothing.


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## ReadyToChange (Nov 6, 2011)

accept said:


> Leave god out of it. Its just an excuse for you to do nothing.


I respect that your opinion is that God should be left out of it. However, I didn't say that putting my faith in God means I don't have to do anything. I've apologized to my wife for my failures and I've decided to love her unconditionally, no matter what she does. I can't control her actions nor do I want to control her. Each of us has the right to free will and make choices whether good or bad. I've realized that my faith and obedience to God's scripture is where I find the course for my life. I will lead my life with the confidence that the decisions I make are rooted in a deep belief in the truths of scripture. If your thoughts are in contrast with mine, I accept that but it is views like yours that have contributed to the startling number of divorces and marriages that end without an earnest attempt at reconciliation.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

accept said:


> Leave god out of it. Its just an excuse for you to do nothing.


A bit harsh, but I agree with this... with all due respect, faith can hinder getting at the core of the problems, and it also allows one to bypass true action by letting God take the wheel so to speak.

Sure, find strength in faith if you will, but be sure you have faith in your actions and steps forward. That's what matters.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

God works through people.

His transformative love softens hard hearts.

That's where it's at.

He works through people.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

IMO, if both partners share the same depth of faith in God, that can provide the basis for the depth of commitment to the relationship.

But, if their religious faith differs by a great degree, that's just one more wedge/communication issue to get in the way of true reconciliation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

One pe rson alone cannot "save" a marriage. A marriage requires a joint effort on the part of two people. If one person does not want to "save" it, there is nothing left to salvage.


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

Hi ReadytoChange,
Good for you for standing by your vows, I have chosen to do the same in my own situation. I think that one thing we all have to learn from this site is to take everyone else's opinion with a grain of salt. I find it helpful to read others' situations and/or opinions, but ultimately what is best for you is best for you. Do not let others project their situations onto you. 

One website I have found helpful, whether you are super religious or just more spiritual (as am I) is WELCOME - Rejoice Marriage Ministries. It definitely promotes the standers point of view. Good luck to you!


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

LEDWA1982 said:


> Hi ReadytoChange,
> Good for you for standing by your vows, I have chosen to do the same in my own situation. I think that one thing we all have to learn from this site is to take everyone else's opinion with a grain of salt. I find it helpful to read others' situations and/or opinions, but ultimately what is best for you is best for you. Do not let others project their situations onto you.


Absolutely agree that everyone's opinions need to be taken with a grain of salt, especially since there are personal reasons that each of us has sought out this site.

As for standing by one's vows, I agree that it is very admirable. But, to Jellybean's point, it takes two to tango. If my company fires me, but I keep coming to work every day and working without getting anything back from the company, that's not loyalty, it's denial. If my wife fires me as a husband and I haven't been able to persuade her otherwise, at a certain point, I'm not loyal to our vows by pursuing her further, I'm in denial of reality (and probably a stalker).


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

The Standing I am referring to has nothing to do with denial or stalking and everything to do with unconditional love. Standing by your vows is about having faith and you can have that faith while giving your spouse the time and space they need. Does any of this mean that things will turn out the way you want...No not necessarily... but it is another way you can go. And for me (and possibly ReadytoChange) , this way I can at least know that it worked out as it should without the regret of wondering if I threw in the towel too early. It is no easy thing to choose to love instead of despise when faced with these such circumstances. But that is what having faith is all about if you choose to lean on it. So to the OP although it may "take two to tango" it only takes one person to say I choose to not jump into battle with my spouse to change the whole dynamic that could ultimately lead to reconciliation---and has for many!


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## ReadyToChange (Nov 6, 2011)

LEDWA1982 said:


> The Standing I am referring to has nothing to do with denial or stalking and everything to do with unconditional love. Standing by your vows is about having faith and you can have that faith while giving your spouse the time and space they need. Does any of this mean that things will turn out the way you want...No not necessarily... but it is another way you can go. And for me (and possibly ReadytoChange) , this way I can at least know that it worked out as it should without the regret of wondering if I threw in the towel too early. It is no easy thing to choose to love instead of despise when faced with these such circumstances. But that is what having faith is all about if you choose to lean on it. So to the OP although it may "take two to tango" it only takes one person to say I choose to not jump into battle with my spouse to change the whole dynamic that could ultimately lead to reconciliation---and has for many!


@LEDWA1982: I agree with your thoughts. My decision to stand by my vows/marriage along with making decisions out of unconditional love and not out of spite has been the only thing that has provided a sense of peace and confidence. Initially, I was on guard for the attacks and fallout from the divorce process but now I see that these are simply worldly matters and although it may be uncomfortable and hurtful at times, I must do what I feel is right for me. I'm not saying this is easy but it is the only choice for me. I have committed to this path and although my wife's current choice to divorce may supersede mine in a practical and legal sense, I will be at peace with this decision. 

I'm not stalking my wife or harping on everything that she does through her lawyer, I'll allow her to do as she pleases. I believe that she is acting out of anger and that can cloud judgement. I've chosen to act out of love and let my actions be consistent with that through patience and understanding. I won't add fuel to this emotional and complicated situation by battling with her.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

LEDWA1982 said:


> The Standing I am referring to has nothing to do with denial or stalking and everything to do with unconditional love. Standing by your vows is about having faith and you can have that faith while giving your spouse the time and space they need. Does any of this mean that things will turn out the way you want...No not necessarily... but it is another way you can go. And for me (and possibly ReadytoChange) , this way I can at least know that it worked out as it should without the regret of wondering if I threw in the towel too early. It is no easy thing to choose to love instead of despise when faced with these such circumstances. But that is what having faith is all about if you choose to lean on it. So to the OP although it may "take two to tango" it only takes one person to say I choose to not jump into battle with my spouse to change the whole dynamic that could ultimately lead to reconciliation---and has for many!


I haven't jumped into battle with mine, either. She walked out, in a bad way, at a bad time, with no warning, with no signals about her intentions. My response was to pick up the pieces at home, shield the kids, work to keep lines of communication open and friendly, and to offer to talk any time, any place, with or without any third party she wanted. I know that I did everything I could possibly do at that point to save the marriage. But, when her decision was absolute that it was over, I let go.

To the point of this thread, I feel completely comfortable with the proposition that I stood up for my marriage vows. Once my W decided that it was over, letting go isn't failing in my vows. That's where my analogy comes from.


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## ReadyToChange (Nov 6, 2011)

papa5280 said:


> I haven't jumped into battle with mine, either. She walked out, in a bad way, at a bad time, with no warning, with no signals about her intentions. My response was to pick up the pieces at home, shield the kids, work to keep lines of communication open and friendly, and to offer to talk any time, any place, with or without any third party she wanted. I know that I did everything I could possibly do at that point to save the marriage. But, when her decision was absolute that it was over, I let go.
> 
> To the point of this thread, I feel completely comfortable with the proposition that I stood up for my marriage vows. Once my W decided that it was over, letting go isn't failing in my vows. That's where my analogy comes from.



Good for you. I think it's important to make decisions on my personal values. I value my marriage and the comment about being in denial is a bit misguided. I've read about the 180 plan and that may work from a psychological perspective but I think it can also steer away from the core issues that need addressed in a relationship. My opinion is one that without unconditional love from both spouses a marriage will be flawed so I will do my part in demonstrating that love. The basis of many approaches to 'save my marriage' methods is that the leaving spouse see the other as the person they married and promised their life to. Staying on the path i've chosen will, I believe, reveal this to my wife. But that isn't my sole motivation. I desire to save my marriage because it's the right thing to do based on my beliefs. 

My wife has said she will file and has yet to. Now i'm not resting my hopes on this as some sort of sign because there are many reasons she may have not filed. I'm sure if she continues to act and think based on anger and resentment that she will file but until then and even after, I will continue to stand by my vows. Just last week, my lawyer asked that I list my personal property in our home that I would like to recover. I sent the list but was denied most of the items even though they are clearly mine. So instead of fighting it, I simply said that I will wait until a later time to get those items. I'm paying my wife spousal support as well and at first it really sucked that I would be giving up my hard earned money to someone that wants to walk away from our marriage, but now I realize, it's just money and if she does need it then I'm glad to help her.

I'm sure there are some in this forum that will say I'm just fooling myself into believing this because facing reality is too hurtful. However, I finally have reached a place where I've found my confidence and sincere hope again. So bullocks to any nay-sayers. I'm at peace with myself.


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## LEDWA1982 (Sep 23, 2011)

@Papa5280, my post was not an attack or a judgment. I am absolutely sure you tried as much as you could to save your marriage and choosing to let go and move on was the best choice for you. Everyone's situation is different. And I truly believe to each his own. Picking up the pieces and continuing to live our lives is something we all have in common. And as ReadytoChange noted, his choice to Stand and love unconditionally is the choice that has given him the ability and peace of mind to continue on. So as I said previously, choosing to Stand is just another way to go for those that would like to see a reconciliation with their spouse. And I do not believe that it should be discredited simply because it rest more on faith than circumstances. I think it is safe to say that none of us have all the answers, so why not lean on your faith if it gets you through the day


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

LEDWA1982 said:


> So as I said previously, choosing to Stand is just another way to go for those that would like to see a reconciliation with their spouse. And I do not believe that it should be discredited simply because it rest more on faith than circumstances. I think it is safe to say that none of us have all the answers, so why not lean on your faith if it gets you through the day


:iagree::iagree:


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