# Coping with Change, Gray Areas, & the Rollercoaster of Emotions



## Ms_Take (Mar 7, 2013)

It's been over a month since my SO left with his kids. A week ago, he completely moved out and signed a lease on an apartment a few miles a way. I've been on TAM, reading about all your stories and advice. It's been helpful to know other people have gone through similar experiences and understand. 

My problem is dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions and all the gray areas. You know what I'm talking about. It's especially difficult because there's really no "bad guy" in this and we're still in a relationship. I mean, he unexpectedly moved out, but I understand why. I don't agree with it, but I understand.

So, what's happened since he left? I've been busy, getting sh*t done. That's kind of my thing. Outside of the usual, I've been working out more and amping the hotness factor. Overall, home life is a lot less stressful with three fewer people in it. All of a sudden, I have all this space! And it's always clean! 

Parenting my son is easier because he has fewer outbursts with the decreased transitions and stimulation. It's kind of a drag being a single parent again, but I can handle it. I'm not going to lie, I got emotional when I was asked for an emergency contact. I don't have any local family or friends I could list, so I still listed him.

The hardest part of this separation is losing my family. Of all the things I value in life, it's stability and security. Independently, I have financial security and I'm a pretty stable person... however, what really gives me a sense of stability and security is family. I didn't have that growing up, and I've been trying to create it myself. It's a downward spiral of misery when I start thinking about this loss. I think it's harder for women because age is a factor; I'm 34-years-old and never been married. I was a single parent for a long time, but I always thought that I'd be partnered and have at least one planned pregnancy. Instead, I spent the last five years investing in a family that literally dissolved overnight. 

I get angry when I think about the lack of thoughtful effort that went into saving our relationship. I'm not saying there wasn't tremendous effort in our daily life. I just feel like there should've been a white flag before making the catastrophic decision to leave. A plan should've been made, steps should've been followed.

Since leaving, he's just trying to function with full-time employment, full-time college, and 50% co-parenting. He stayed at his parents' house for the month of March and just moved into his own place (sooner than expected, but he couldn't stand living with his parents). He calls/texts every day. He says he still loves me and my son, but doesn't want what we had (ouch). 

We had almost two weeks of "space" before we had a real talk about expectations, boundaries, and goals (mostly due to the logistics of kids, work, and no private time to talk). For now, we're still a family living apart (i.e. going to functions together, not interested in seeing other people, etc.). He's spent the night several times without the kids. As far as goals, he's finally caught up at school (not being here and having spring break from school helped) and he moved into his own place last week(working towards independence - I've always handled the "grown-up" responsibilities). 

He has not, however, started IC to manage his depression, anger, and codependency. He made the call, just never followed through. This is frustrating because I feel like it's the root of cause of him jumping ship. I don't think it's ever a good idea to make a life-changing decision under the cloud of depression.

Our communication has been good and consistent up until this weekend. He and his kids were on spring break and spent it moving into their new place. As usual, he overextended himself in ways I would not (instead of focusing on getting settled into his new place, his daughter had sleepover guests multiple nights then he had some friends over yesterday). 

I'm not big into constant check-ins, but I started to get irritated because he has not followed through on the last couple of conversations (re: spending time together this weekend, picking stuff up, dropping stuff off, etc.). He just forgot because he has so much going on. I didn't hear from him all day Saturday until late at night when he texted that they were running around all day and finally going to bed. Same thing yesterday, except he made a call at 9:40 pm and didn't leave a message. 

This is the gray area. I know he cares, but he needs space. I don't get to have the same expectations as before. Either I accept this and change my expectations, or I need to move on. I want him in my life and have renegotiated what that looks like, but changing my expectations is SO HARD. It's difficult not to get disappointed or frustrated when he doesn't follow through. My fear is allowing myself to be manipulated or taken advantage of. I don't think he intends to do so, but I also didn't think he would jump ship either.

Nobody is perfect, relationships take work... I get that. Overall, I'm doing pretty good taking things slow, accepting it is what it is, and coping with the change. But how do I squash this growing desire for certainty? I don't want to be an unreasonable jerk, but I'm itching to cut and run in the opposite direction. How does a relationship survive something like this?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

That's actually an easy question.

Both of you work on yourselves and decide you really want it.


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