# Jealousy: How do you deal with it ?



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

So my wife get's really jealous for no real reason , well at least to me. She's always accusing me of cheating or doing something. I don't know how serious she is but it's a constant. I've never cheated on her or gave her a reason to think that I do. I don't understand why she constantly accuses me of doing something and insulted that she does. I've told why she does it and she denies it and say " I don't care, leave if you want there's the door " I tell her she is probably doing something which I don't believe but just say it to prob her. 

Ladies are there any of you girls that are like this ? Please help me understand what's going on. I love her, don't want another, don't want to leave her, hope she's not doing it to me and just tired of hearing it. The funny thing is I'm a lil over weight not the best looking guy in a line up and have a bunch of bad habits , , I'm just an ordinary guy.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Its all because of lack of trust. She doubts on you without any reason. Talk to her calmly and tell her that she is doing unnecessary doubts on you....


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Either shes doing something her self and is projecting her guilt on to you. OR shes just a insecure person with trust issues that may have stemmed from the past before she ever met you. Unfortunately, if thats the case, you will always be the victim of her insecurity or jealously until she gets some kind of help for these issues.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

seems like it's a trust issue but I don't get that it always goes to her thinking there is another women. I can barely handle her issues, , , why the hell would I want more ! ! !


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

lost soul said:


> So my wife get's really jealous for no real reason , well at least to me. She's always accusing me of cheating or doing something. I don't know how serious she is but it's a constant. I've never cheated on her or gave her a reason to think that I do. I don't understand why she constantly accuses me of doing something and insulted that she does. I've told why she does it and she denies it and say " I don't care, leave if you want there's the door " I tell her she is probably doing something which I don't believe but just say it to prob her.
> 
> Ladies are there any of you girls that are like this ? Please help me understand what's going on. I love her, don't want another, don't want to leave her, hope she's not doing it to me and just tired of hearing it. The funny thing is I'm a lil over weight not the best looking guy in a line up and have a bunch of bad habits , , I'm just an ordinary guy.


My H use to be like your W and do that same thing to me. Eventually I got fed up with it, told him that was the last nail in the coffin, found another place for baby girl and I, and left. He did NOT want me to leave nor to lose me for good, he suggested counseling, so we went. We eventually got back together and he was a changed man......for the most part. He still stays stupid things from time to time, but not near as bad.


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## VulturesRow (Mar 9, 2012)

From a guys point of view, unfortunately, I have been down this road. When you are married to an incredibly attractive spouse (much like you, I consider myself an ordinary guy) it is very difficult!

In the recent past, I have struggled with anxious and jealous feelings and counseling has REALLY helped me to get my thoughts in line and realize that the person that I am married to chose me and has stayed with me all of these years regardless of my faults. Wish I could step back a couple of months and do things over again, but, painfully, we learn from our mistakes!!

Bottom line, see if she would consider seeing a counselor, just by herself. Sounds like this is something that she needs to work on. I know it has helped me!!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

It sounds very much like a insecurity issue. Plus some of a trust thing.

I'm exactly the same way. (Well, I don't incessantly ask if he cheats.) Part of the trust issue, is just my nature. Something very stupid/insignificant that he would have no reason to lie about... I would "check" on. Ie: He says it's gonna storm tomorrow, and it's bright and sunny now. I have to go to the weather site to see if a storm is really coming. Things like that. I just have to check the facts before I believe stuff.

But, I do know he lies too. They are usually more "white lies"... Like if I ask where he's at (if I think he's gambling.). He'll answer with things like "I'm in the truck now, on my way home." or "I just got to parking lot. I'll be home soon." and avoid the question of where he actually was.

Sometimes this spurs me to ask if he is cheating. (Plus, I'm so heavy & not beautiful)... I know he has pretty & thin female friends... it's just something I'm insecure about.

SHe probably doesn't realise she is doing it as much as she is. Your weight or handsomeness has little or nothing to do with it. She feels insecure about your love. Most likely when she says it, she is just wanting reasurance from you that you still love her and still think she is #1 in your life. -- Not that she really believes that you are_ actually_ cheating.

Just tell her.. "No baby, I'm not cheating on you.. I wouldn't throw away any chances of you loving me back".. & hug her. Tell her she is the love of your life. If she says.. "Well, it doesn't feel like it sometimes." just say that you do not have control over her feelings, but it is something you will work on-- to show her more that you still love her.


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## VulturesRow (Mar 9, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> It sounds very much like a insecurity issue. Plus some of a trust thing.
> 
> I'm exactly the same way. (Well, I don't incessantly ask if he cheats.) Part of the trust issue, is just my nature. Something very stupid/insignificant that he would have no reason to lie about... I would "check" on. Ie: He says it's gonna storm tomorrow, and it's bright and sunny now. I have to go to the weather site to see if a storm is really coming. Things like that. I just have to check the facts before I believe stuff.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

lost soul said:


> I don't understand why she constantly accuses me of doing something and insulted that she does. I've told why she does it and she denies it and say " I don't care, leave if you want there's the door " I tell her she is probably doing something which I don't believe but just say it to prob her.
> 
> I love her, don't want another, don't want to leave her, hope she's not doing it to me and just tired of hearing it.


It looks to me like your wife is having a confidence crisis. It's silly to let yourself feel insulted over this and even sillier to respond in a fashion that leads her to say "leave if you want". Ask her nicely ask her to quit saying this stuff and ignore it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It looks to me like your wife is having a confidence crisis. It's silly to let yourself feel insulted over this and even sillier to respond in a fashion that leads her to say "leave if you want". Ask her nicely ask her to quit saying this stuff and ignore it.


TYH,

While I understand you mean well I see a pattern of appeasement with it comes to advice for bad behavior especially if its female. Not trying to bash you in any way but some behaviors like jealousy have deep childhood roots that must be dealt with or it will become a destructive force in the marriage. 

My EXW was extremely and irrationally jealous of other people including my family. At first its all cute but overtime it destroys your mental and spiritual peace. 

I can ask my three year old nicely to not do a hurtful thing and perhaps ignore the bad behavior and chalk it up to "being a kid" but we are grown adults here and this kind of jealously is not something we need to deal with as mature adults. Jealously is an emotionally immature feeling and it must be owned. 

The OP's wife is making her destructive feelings her husband fault. Saying to her: "Hey baby pretty please do not harass me for a week about the pretty blonde that just walked by" will not fix the problem.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It looks to me like your wife is having a confidence crisis. It's silly to let yourself feel insulted over this and even sillier to respond in a fashion that leads her to say "leave if you want". Ask her nicely ask her to quit saying this stuff and ignore it.


An the OP has a serious issue that should not be labeled as "silly". As someone who lived through irrational jealousy for years and did the appeasement method, it was an absolute hell. A man eventually loses respect for his wife and looks at her like a child instead of a woman. It gets old quickly.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

There could be many causes for your wife's jealousy. Cause isn't as important as how you handle it. Are you doing anything that makes her jealous? Anything at all?


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## VulturesRow (Mar 9, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> There could be many causes for your wife's jealousy. Cause isn't as important as how you handle it. Are you doing anything that makes her jealous? Anything at all?


I think that handling it is key.........there where (and still are) some things that made me jealous but I have realized that there is no harm in what was being done. End of story. It is a hard demon to fight but if you are in a good relationship and want to maintain that relationship, it is worth the fight!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sanity said:


> TYH,
> 
> While I understand you mean well I see a pattern of appeasement with it comes to advice for bad behavior especially if its female. Not trying to bash you in any way but some behaviors like jealousy have deep childhood roots that must be dealt with or it will become a destructive force in the marriage.
> 
> ...


Sanity,

I'm sorry that you have had to experience a woman's irrational feelings and the destruction they can cause to your life. 

I would suggest that appeasement implies some sort of concession which I am not recommending at all. I didn't see where the op was making concessions to his wife over her feelings, but if he is, he should stop.

What concerns me is how the op and his wife interact so that his wife's accusation escalates to her telling him to leave. It takes two to escalate. Even in the event that his wife never achieves a level of maturity where she can own her feelings, the op can still stop the destructive escalation by not participating in it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Sanity said:


> An the OP has a serious issue that should not be labeled as "silly". As someone who lived through irrational jealousy for years and did the appeasement method, it was an absolute hell. A man eventually loses respect for his wife and looks at her like a child instead of a woman. It gets old quickly.


I sincerely apologize for insensitively labeling this serious issue as "silly".


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

@ Candiegirl: I don't do anything outta the norm but it's thinks that are in the norm that getting her going. It's to a point where I do not make or have friends that are females and avoid being left alone at social event near or around women. I tell hear " What the hell I'm I Vin Diesel "

@ VulturesRow: Yeah she is HOT ; }

@ Chelle D: "She feels insecure about your love. Most likely when she says it, she is just wanting reasurance from you that you still love her and still think she is #1 in your life. -- Not that she really believes that you are actually cheating." Thanx for that , , , I think this pretty much sums it up.

@ TYH: Your advice reminded me of a saying "Sometimes you gotta Laff to keep from Cryng" which I do Alot , , , LAFF that is


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

My husband does the same exact thing-- It is largely insecurity AND trust. Two things we sadly cannot MAKE a person learn on their own. Double frustrating when we at the other end have not done anything at all... I feel you.. 

For me I've learned to IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE... not a good solution but it keeps me sane!


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

And catch this it's laffs . . . I have to had that I come on this site to vent cause if she knew or found out OOOOOhh CHEEETTTT !!!!!!


PS
and this bright pink screen makes it hard to hide


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

so the other day wife flips out at our daughters game in which we coach. While we're in the dugout with all the girls and I jokingly make a comment that I will not be at Saturdays game, , , cause a coach and 2 players had missed the game. I though it would be a funny comment BUT WRONG ! ! ! Another adult ask why and my wife replies "oh he's going with %^&* mom to &^%# " The adult say's What ? and my wife proceeds to continue on and on and on. I was OMG all the girls could hear (but not paying attention) the parents around the dugout could hear and the echoes to the field could be heard. I was so embarrassed , , she would not stop ! ! ! 

So the next day I felt so let down by her. I've put up with a lot of drama from her and this was the pebble that was tipping it. I'm not planning on leaving her but did imagine how it would be if I did through out the day. I thought how it would be to not have to deal with constant drama and just deal with my life. I know if we divorced she would probably end up with another quickly because she is attractive and needs to be with someone. I thought how I would deal with that and would I end up in another relationship or just be happy by myself.
Well like I said I'm not leaving her but if I ever do make that decision I hope it's firm, quick and I have the strength to see it through. I would not want to go through a lengthy heart breaking back and forth separation.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Explain how you would prefer a positive jealousy probably not exist in her


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

lost soul said:


> So my wife get's really jealous for no real reason , well at least to me. She's always accusing me of cheating or doing something. I don't know how serious she is but it's a constant. I've never cheated on her or gave her a reason to think that I do. I don't understand why she constantly accuses me of doing something and insulted that she does.


Borderline personality disorder. My brother's gf was like that. She was absolutely insane. She forget her hair extensions at my brother's place, then she couldn't find them a couple days later. Her conclusion? You hid them because your other girlfriends were here! Admit it now you lying scum!!!!!
Of course BPD is a bit more complicated than that. Think of it like bipolar disorder but it's more of an individual basis. A person who is bipolar will think _everything_ is amazing or _everything_ is horrible. A borderline person will think both extremes at the same time. Person A is god-like, person B is worse than Hitler. A day later, person A is the worst thing since Jersey Shore and person B is better than sex, and that change of heart is completely random. Even if you didn't do anything at all, they can go from loving you to hating you in the blink of an eye.




> The funny thing is I'm a lil over weight not the best looking guy in a line up and have a bunch of bad habits , , I'm just an ordinary guy.


That's irrelevant. It seems like there's a scandal on the news every couple weeks where some politician is caught cheating. They show a picture of the politician and I just cringe at how astoundingly ugly they are. It's amazing even 1 woman on the planet would sleep with them let alone 2, but it still happens.




> [she] needs to be with someone


That's totally BPD.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You don't give much detail. So my suggestion is equally general. Have you or both of you developed habits of transparency. ie, sharing passwords, showing who's called and so on? Maybe that will go some way to soften her behavior.

OTOH, I do see the acts of jealousy as ones of control. If you have not done anything to make her fearful, then maybe you two need to part ways. 

I remember dating a guy who, if he called around 10pm and I didn't pick up the phone, he would immediately accuse me of being out f*cking some other guy on the message. (Mind you, I told him to get lost after 6 months and then he stalked for another year, that's a lesson in itself.) When one lives alone, they could actually be in the shower or taking out the trash when the call comes through.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I haven't been here in a while so I guess things have been okay as I usually come on here to vent. I do express to her how it makes me feel when she accuses me of messing around and she'll say "I'm just play" but I know she is not. I turn it into a serious conversation and tell it's not fair that she automatically jumps to that conclusion when ever anything comes up. She has laid off a little bit, , , we deal with each other LOL it's a sik and twisted unhealthy relationship but it must work some how cuz we been together for over 25 yrs


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