# Dating and wondering what to look for in a woman



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I've been on my own (my choice) for five months, have had numerous dates and have come to the conclusion my ignorance is extreme when it comes to relationships. This is probably an overstatement - my first marriage lasted 16 years mostly because I was reluctant to move out and leave my young children (first wife had borderline personality disorder), the second had 23 good years and 3 lousy ones.

I've been connecting using PlentyOfFish and *******, two free dating sites.

Some dates have been very enjoyable, one led to several months of mutual enjoyment until she decided to call an end to the relationship. Not a problem, I'm moving forward, now have several dates scheduled over the coming week. My big sister, having looked at my friend's profile said "watch out, she's a lot like W2". 

Given who I am - as best I can tell and have been told - mellow, caring, giving, generous, kind, thoughtful, a comfortable, not large, retirement fund, grown children doing quite well I'm trying to figure out what a good LTR would look like knowing I'll probably be in one well before 2012 comes to an end. I'm 62, a non-smoker, in reasonable health, I've got between 5 minutes and 30 years ahead of me, I want them to be good days and good years. 

So - how do I proceed? A vague question I know, I read TAM's section about long term marriages, but am looking for more information.

I welcome suggestions, books, web sites, and good wishes.

Thanks.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm thinking remind yourself that the tendency will be to attracted to the same type of person. It's why I think a lot of 2nd marriages fail. They keep marrying similar people and having the same old problems. They never get fixed.

One thing you could do is start with your top 5 dealbreakers. Makes it easier to date that way. 

But good luck to you. Hope the next one is THE one.


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

I know this is far off subject, but iam curious, what is borderline personality disorder?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

lam4391 said:


> I know this is far off subject, but iam curious, what is borderline personality disorder?


You can start here
Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

but I strongly suggest you google the term.

You can also search this site for posts by AFEH - he knows a great deal about BPD.

If your spouse has BPD you will spend a lot of time walking on eggshells, subject to a great deal of anger on an all too regular basis.


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## elo123 (May 3, 2011)

Be careful not to run into another woman with Borderline Personality Disorder or dependent type. Because you had a long term relationship with one, you naturally may cleave toward similar types of people. I am a mental health clinician and I see this all the time. 

Another question you may ask is why you were attracted to this woman with borderline in the first place. If you get in touch with that and can come to terms with what may be deeply-rooted issues, it may make you more in-tune with choosing healthier partners. 

I have dated alot on-line before I met my wife. Its a numbers game. Play the field and be willing to compromise and be aware of what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> I've been on my own (my choice) for five months, have had numerous dates and have come to the conclusion my ignorance is extreme when it comes to relationships. This is probably an overstatement - my first marriage lasted 16 years mostly because I was reluctant to move out and leave my young children (first wife had borderline personality disorder), the second had 23 good years and 3 lousy ones.
> 
> I've been connecting using PlentyOfFish and *******, two free dating sites.
> 
> ...


Wow! Those were long marriages. I'm sorry that i can't give any advice. My wife recently divorced me after 18 years because she was not happy anymore. that rocked my world to say the least. I'm curious, what happened with your last marriage?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch, I’m the same age as yourself and near 18 months separated and kind of thinking on looking for a new partner. I find the temptation to go with a woman similar to my wife very compelling but my gut feeling is it would be a massive mistake.

I think in our younger years we look for a person opposite in some ways to ourselves, two halves to make a whole type of thing. While that’s fine for “nesting”, having and bringing up children etc. I don’t think it works in later life. The opposite nature of the two people actually generates a lot of conflict as they find they have fundamentally different values and beliefs.

This time round I’ll be looking out for a woman with similar values and beliefs to my own. Somebody who enjoys the same things I enjoy, particularly “life style”. I’m in no hurry though and I believe I’m going to find her while I’m creating my new world as we’ll be undertaking similar activities because we have similar values and beliefs.

Bob


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I didn't give enough thought to what I was looking for in a partner when I got married at age 25... Now I've got a checklist.  As Bob says, someone with similar values and beliefs is definitely on there... As well as compatible sex drive/interests! 

C


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

PBear said:


> Honestly, I didn't give enough thought to what I was looking for in a partner when I got married at age 25... Now I've got a checklist.  As Bob says, someone with similar values and beliefs is definitely on there... As well as compatible sex drive/interests!
> 
> C


I think sometimes life is really weird. As I understand it marriages fail because of irresolvable differences between core values and beliefs.

But. It was those differences between core values and beliefs (Opposites Attracting) that brought the couple together in the first place.

So what brought us together also blows us apart somewhere/sometime downstream.

Problem I've got is "could I live with someone like me" lol. 

Bob


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

southbound said:


> Wow! Those were long marriages. I'm sorry that i can't give any advice. My wife recently divorced me after 18 years because she was not happy anymore. that rocked my world to say the least. I'm curious, what happened with your last marriage?


I can describe the symptoms but not the causes.

She became increasingly distant and withdrawn, she had always been a night owl but kept reasonable hours on weekdays, about 3 years ago started going to sleep after 2 AM almost every night, getting to work very late every day, stayed late at work and became a room mate, not a wife.

Affection was minimal, she kept saying she loved me, but didn't spend time with me.

I'm glad I left, I've found that I can find love, appreciation and mutual enjoyment with other women.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

PBear said:


> Honestly, I didn't give enough thought to what I was looking for in a partner when I got married at age 25... Now I've got a checklist.  As Bob says, someone with similar values and beliefs is definitely on there... As well as compatible sex drive/interests!
> 
> C


I didn't give it a lot of thought at age 24 either. However, if I made a checklist, I think my x would meet everything I would want in every category except sex drive.


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