# Scared to Have Sex After Argument



## Mjuly540 (Jul 4, 2018)

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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

It sounds like the two of you never really learned how to take care of each other needs due to the distractions of orgies and the other kinkiness. The thrill was more important than satisfying each other. It also sounds like he may have agreed with your decision to bring all of that to and end in order to keep the peace, but is now bored.

If that rings any bells then you have your work cut out for you, but think that you guys can work through it. I would suggest not simply just telling him your needs, but also asking him what his needs are. He might appreciate being asked and work together with you to make your marriage more satisfying for both of you, inside and outside of the bedroom. I'd also suggest not treating your needs as a conversation you have whenever you're unhappy. The two of you need to communicate on a regular basis if you want to be proactive about keeping things from "going back to the way they were". That's not the same thing as badgering him. It's about talking to each other regularly to keep each other up to date on how you're doing, and asking "How am *I* doing" first, so that he knows you're in it together.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

You edited your post while I was typing and added some important information, so I'll amend my reply.

You have the right to be happy, and sexually fulfilled in your marriage. My wife is a stay at home mom. "I work, so you can pound sand" is a horrible thing to say, and I think makes it clear that he doesn't understand how much work it is to raise kids and run a household. I think that part of making progress is going to require getting him to see that you are equal partners. His response may have been a knee-jerk reaction to being told repeatedly that he doesn't know how to please his wife, but even if that's true it was a terrible thing to say.

As I have gotten older, I am not always as hard as I used to be, and sometimes my erection comes and goes. Some of it is related to my general health. Is he overweight, a smoker, or does he have other health issues that are known to affect erections? To be completely honest, sometimes it's because I'll take care of business myself from time to time, and when we finally do manage to find time for sex I'm not as interested as I would have been had I waited. Does he watch porn or masturbate?

Edited to add : Get some good lube. He might be interpreting being dry as not being interested, but you can let him know you are in the mood but just need a little help in that department. We have been using coconut oil lately, and love it.


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## Mjuly540 (Jul 4, 2018)

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mjuly540 said:


> Thanks for your reply. I think you may be on the right track about not learning what the other liked due to all the distractions. He does seem bored and no matter how much I try to spice it up (I wear lingerie, kiss him from top to bottom, give him BJs, finger his anus) he never reciprocates. Which only exacerbates me because then I wonder if he’s cheating on me since, no matter what I try, he seems unwilling to satisfy me. He doesn’t fully commit to pleasuring me. And he doesn’t deny that he’s doing that.
> 
> We’ve tried the lube. My issue is that he doesn’t try to see if warming me up will solve it. And frankly, starting off without lube and then stopping to put some on, kills the mood a bit. Maybe we’re not doing it the right way.
> 
> ...


I hate to say it but he's just not sexually into you anymore. It's really not rocket science. He's completely disconnected from you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he were having an affair. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't. If he were any LESS lackadaisical and uncaring in bed where you're concerned, he'd be in a coma. When you have to practically beg him to show one iota of passion for you and he STILL can't even choke that up, isn't the writing pretty much on the wall at that point?

That speaks volumes about where his heart and head are at. I think you could 'talk' to him until you're blue in the face but talking to him isn't going to magically create desire when it simply isn't there.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mjuly540 said:


> I don’t know how to maintain open communication about this without making it sound like I’m complaining or wanting to start an argument. He is very sensitive when it comes to these things so I try not to bring it up often.


Come on. The guy was engaging in *orgies* for God's sakes. he's hardly the 'shy' and 'sensitive' type..

Stop acting like he's a little hot house flower whose going to wilt and die the second you bring up what a complete dud he is in bed. He knows he is. He's not learning challenged. He knows *exactly* how bad he is in bad. And he knows why, too.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> That is confusing, but I totally get it.


Indeed it is confusing.

And hi @badsanta, I hope you are well.


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## Mjuly540 (Jul 4, 2018)

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