# My FIL is ruining my marriage! What do I do?



## sunshine_1979 (Jan 14, 2010)

My husband’s parents live 2 doors down from us and feel like they are entitled to come over unannounced every single day without knocking. Sometimes I forget to lock the door and they just barge right in. That is NOT how I was raised. 

My husband does not think it is a big deal but sometimes when I am home alone with our 1-yr old daughter and I hear someone trying to open our door (they will try to break the doorknob off even if it is locked!) I tend to get scared. What if it was somebody trying to break in?!? And the times that my husband is home, it still annoys the crap out of me. 

I actually do like my MIL and don’t have a lot of gripes about her with the exception of the 2 I just mentioned. My FIL is a different story, however. He is 51, on disability for a back injury and is HOPELESSLY addicted to Oxycontin and Xanax. He takes 140mg of Oxy per day plus about 10mg of Xanax. It takes him 5 minutes to get through one sentence. He constantly repeats himself and forgets what he is saying mid-sentence. 

What makes him unbearable is they way he talks badly about EVERYONE behind their backs and thinks that he is always in the right. It doesn’t matter if I were to tell him ‘Hey, the sky is blue today’. He would simply argue that the sky is red because he cannot stand the fact that he may be wrong. He criticizes my parenting skills to anyone who will listen and continues to give me unsolicited advice on raising our daughter. 

My MIL offered to watch our baby while we work – all her idea, not mine – and while that is very much appreciated, he feels the need to come over to our house every day while we are at work and totally disrespect our house rules. For instance – we are teaching our daughter that there is no eating/drinking outside of the kitchen or dining room. Period. And what does he do? He brings her food and sippy cups (which leak sometimes on our white rug!) into the living room and in her bedroom. I am constantly finding cracker crumbs in my daughter’s crib. He claims that he “forgets” the rules and blames it on his medicine. Excuse me, but it’s not my fault you are addicted to opiates and if it were up to me, you would never set foot in my home. 


He constantly has my MIL in tears by treating her the same way. He talks down to all women like we are idiots and thinks anyone with a vagina is inferior to him. Actually, he thinks EVERYONE is inferior to him because he is obviously The Smartest Person In The World. 

My husband and I do not wear shoes in the home and we ask our family members and friends to respect our rule. I don’t want every nasty thing someone walks through on a daily basis (gum, gasoline, dog crap, etc) to be on the floor for my baby to crawl through and get in her mouth. She is going through a phase right now where she literally licks the hardwood floors throughout our house. But he refuses to take his shoes off when I am not home. My MIL told me she always catches him wearing his shoes inside and when I came home unexpectedly during lunch the other day and he was there, he was wearing his muddy a** tennis shoes inside. I have plenty of slippers, new socks, etc for people to wear on their un-shoed feet but the man just HAS to be difficult. He told me my house rules are ridiculous and that nobody else in America takes their shoes off indoors. For some reason, it angers him that I like to maintain a clean, orderly and safe household. 

I think you would have to witness him being a complete ********* to even get a glimpse into the hell that is my life right now. When my husband and I get home from work at night and are trying to spend quality time together, he will literally call my husband’s cell 6 or 7 times in 3 hours. It is always about absolutely NOTHING and he rambles and rambles and rambles and it takes forever just to get my husband back to the conversation we were having. 

I hate the way I feel about him and I hate that it makes me sound like a hateful b*tch. I am actually a very nice person and have never had this kind of conflict with anyone. I have tried to ignore his misgivings but I can’t. My husband knows his father is an annoying, drug addles PRICK but he says I should just deal with it and that it’s not really a big deal. My marriage is seriously in jeopardy which sucks because I really do love my husband to pieces. I have begged him to let us move further away from his parents but he thinks we need to stay close to them because of his dad’s ‘disability’. Trust me, when it is worth his time to exert himself physically, he has no problem doing it. He can go deer hunting but he can’t carry a Wal-Mart bag with 2 items in it from the car to the house. 

I have a feeling that this marriage will be over in the next 2 years which breaks my heart but life is way too short to be miserable all of the time because of my FIL. My husband simply won’t set any boundaries and I feel like they might as well be living in our house because we have to interact with them so freakin much. I literally get sick to my stomach and get a weird, stabby feeling in my chest when I even think about the way his voice sounds. 

I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!

He also thinks my husband and I are a bank and has no problem constantly asking to borrow money or asking me to stop at the store and get him something every other freaking day. Plus, he stinks like rancid muscle cream and old person. Sorry but it’s true.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This isn't you. And sadly it isn't your FIL. This is purely and 100 percent your husband. It is his job to set boundaries. My father sometimes would speak to my wife in an unacceptable manner and when he did I would immediately call him on it. Mostly stupid stuff - they are politically not aligned - she is a republican he is a democrat. And I simply got to the point of telling him not to bring it up because HE couldn't be civil. And he agreed because he could tell how determined I was. 

As for the calls at night. I would simply not answer them if I was your H. And if his dad walked over and interrupted dinner/family time I would meet him at the door - tell him it is not a good time and send him home. And after a very very short time his behavior would change. You could send him home every time he arrived uninvited and then just pick the times when you DO want them over and invite them over then - maybe even make it a fixed schedule if that works best. 

As for the shoe thing - my sisters family does it. I think it is cool. Lots of people do that. It is your house. 

Is your husband really going to choose his parents over you? You might want to explain to him that no wife worth her salt is going to live like you are long term.

And you SHOULD lock your door - they need to learn how to knock. But you can't do this by yourself. 





sunshine_1979 said:


> My husband’s parents live 2 doors down from us and feel like they are entitled to come over unannounced every single day without knocking. Sometimes I forget to lock the door and they just barge right in. That is NOT how I was raised.
> 
> My husband does not think it is a big deal but sometimes when I am home alone with our 1-yr old daughter and I hear someone trying to open our door (they will try to break the doorknob off even if it is locked!) I tend to get scared. What if it was somebody trying to break in?!? And the times that my husband is home, it still annoys the crap out of me.
> 
> ...


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Hear, hear. You totally need your husband's support on this one. He needs to set parameters and ensure that his father (and mother if necessary) abide by them. No shoes in the house may be a small thing, but it's a big thing to you. And so it should be to him.

Does he suffer from some sort of guilt or does his dad manipulate him? Are there any other siblings who could help out with your FIL, giving you two a chance to move away and enjoy some private space?

How about taking a vacation with your family (just you, baby and H) and showing your H what life can be like without meddling parents. He will likely enjoy the experience! 

Try to give your H fair warning of the effect this is having on your marriage, it may spur him into action.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Remind your husband that your FIL is probably talking about him, and about you, in exactly the same way he talks about other people. So you can say you don't want to be around him because (a) he's a gossipy old lady, and listening to gossip makes you as guilty as the gossip, and (b) he probably just comes over to look for things he can gossip about to the other gossipy old ladies he knows.

Be sure to use the phrase "gossipy old lady", because the FIL is likely to be doubly insulted when it eventually gets back to him. But the stereotype is that it's old women who talk about all the neighbors, and you might as well smash him in the face with that stereotype as long as it's handy.


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## sunshine_1979 (Jan 14, 2010)

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate other peoples' insight. My husband is an only child and nobody else in his family will have anything to do with his dad except the occasional holiday get together. They are all sick and tired of his actions and behavior. I don't know anyone except for my husband that can handle being around him for longer than 5 minutes. He is just so unbelievably difficult and infuriating!

My husband is aware that his dad talks badly about him, and about me, but he said we just need to overlook it and that it's not a big deal. My husband thinks I am being a b**** because I don't want to be around his father. 

My husband will always answer his dad's endless phone calls regardless of what we are doing. We haven't been able to watch a movie together without pausing it several times in almost a year. 

This problem started when hubby decided to move his parents 2 doors down from him. 

My husband told me last night that if I don't get over this thing with his dad that it is going to become a huge problem in our marriage. He refuses to bend at all and thinks I need to just keep my mouth shut and smile when he comes over and disrespects our house, when he puts me down, etc. 

I don't know what to do. I love my husband and I don't want this marriage to end but I don't see any other choice.


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## orangegina (Mar 1, 2010)

I can just hug you because I can totally relate! What you are saying about your FIL is what I'm experiencing with my own father. 

I am an only child and my parents have always felt that they need to meddle in my life, especially my father. My father is also on disability and seems to be addicted to percocet. Often I've had to deal with rambling phone calls at night while my husband and I are already in bed for the night. I also had similar experiences with my father disrespecting my house rules with my toddler. He has also let himself in our house with the spare key I gave him (for emergencies only, mind you) when we weren't home, just because he wanted to see how our new carpeting looked. He regularly complains that people put him down. However, he says whatever is on his mind regardless if it hurts or embarrasses me or someone else. He claims he's only joking around when in fact he's insulting or embarassing others around him. He also never thinks he is wrong. If you tell him he did something wrong, he doesn't think agree with you, he just thinks you hate him.

My husband and I have been together for fifteen years, and married for five. My father has regularly started fights in our marriage because of his jealousy and insecurity. When my husband and I finally got married, my father would often complain that we don't spend enough time with them since I got married, that I favor my husband, and that I only do what my husband wants to do.

Very often my father starts fights and guilt trip us over the most ridiculous and petty things. Most recently my father called my husband to complain that we never told them that my brother-in-law moved in with his girlfriend two months ago. We never mentioned it to my parents because there was no reason for my brother-in-law to come up in conversation. However, he's upset because he feels that we are purposely excluded them from our lives, and not telling them the "family gossip" is an insult to them. Why this is an issue for my father is beyond me. My brother-in-law's personal life is no business of theirs. 

My husband told me he is officially "done" with my parents. I have been hurt and embarrassed by my fathers inappropriate behavior for many years and there is so much my husband and I can take. I am very angry with him. I try to talk to him about our feelings, but his response is that we hate him. I don't hate him, but I do hate his behavior. How can I stop this behavior when he is so stubborn and insecure?


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## Sillybil (May 24, 2010)

I can so relate to you. My MIL would come around late at night or anytime she feels like as my H gave her the key to our house without even discussing it with me. She would come late night when we were going to bed or just having cozy time with the to of us. It gets more and more disturbing when she just come in without letting us know and open the door, many times I was in my nighty and felt really embarassed. I feel that there is no privacy and it is our house. The problem if my H thinks it's ok that I am just being a b**** and that I don't like them. One horrible thing happened last year only one month after we got married that his sister attacked me and humiliated me in front of everyone coz me and my H was having an argument but I didn't tell anyone about it as it is my private problem but my H has gone around tell people and talk negatively about me so I look like the bad person and wasn't prepared that was coming. So I gave my H an ultimatum that I am moving out with or without him. In short, YES it is the responsiblity of you H to tell his parent to behave. We got married to build our own life and not to be mixed with theirs. So RESPECT is required. We don't just come around to their place anytime we want, or get the key of their house, why they can do that? Honestly, we are now living apart from them and it is not that easy for them to just come in, still though time to time my MIL would say something to fire up my H then he would blame me and we would fight. I say evil family that is, toxic! what kind of a parents are they causing fights on our marriage. OUr marriage will never be good as long as they don't know the boundaries and get to much involved. I am ready to walk away as this is not the only problem as my H is an alcoholic and abusive too. If your H choosing his parents over you then I think he can marry his family and live with them coz you deserve better.


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