# Husband or Friend? So torn...



## lost101 (Feb 25, 2009)

Okay here she goes...

I've been married now for five years (been together for 11), we have two small children. My husband has started playing these online games for the past 2-3 years and has falling into a routine, works, eats supper, computer, bed. Not much of anything else, has stopped playing his sports he once was in, has distanced himself from his friends and now I feel myself and the children.

We even tried for baby #3 for seven months, but nothing yet. I have started to give up on everything. His negative attitude is rubbing off on me, with work, the children and just life in general. For the past couple of months I have started to feel like I'm not complete and began talking online with an old colleague that I met 4 years ago. It has been nothing but chatting on-line and e-mail. We did meet once at his place to talk, which is only what we did. Since I started talking to him though have I started to develop some feelings for him. I can't get him out of my head, I dream these fantasies about the two of us, etc. 

I even met with a lawyer to discuss a separation with my husband. Every time we talk it ends in a yelling match until I told him I wanted out and took off my wedding rings. One day he wants to work this out and the next it just seems like he's giving up too, however he says he married for life! We talked about putting our property up for sale, he even signed the documents to allow this, but I haven't yet. I have a fear of loosing my house and if it doesn't work out that I won't be able to buy a house, because of credit.
Since we had a talk though, he has been doing more work around the house, made my lunch & even scraped the ice/snow off my vehicle one morning. (which he never ever does) Spends more time in the evenings with the children, and we try not to argue in front of them. I think he wants to try to work this out, and believe he may even be following the "Fireproof" movie in his own way. He even called me at work to see if I needed anything on his way home.

In the meantime, I came clean with my "friend" about how I feel towards him, my dreams and what I want. He doesn't want the same and doesn’t want me to think that we could actually have something between us, that I'm heading in a tremendous journey over the next few months/years and any thoughts in my head about him can and will only complicate things.
I can't stop thinking about him and haven't cried in months until I read this by e-mail. In my mind I think he wants the same, but until I'm out on my own and settled, nothing will ever come about. Which I really wanted to happen, since he sent me that e-mail, I haven't heard from him and think I even lost him as a friend.

I now don't know what I want to do, my head says one thing and my heart says another. I do want to be happy, I'm tired of being miserable. I love my children to death, they will always come first in my book. I just don't know what do to... I'm so lost! Do I stay and try to work this out with my husband, or do I try and develop something with my friend. I'm so torn and I think I'm afraid of being alone without someone besides my children.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

lost,

It sounds like you feel very distant from your husband, because of the way he has ignored your needs and Ignored connecting with you. I know you have every right to hurt. But seeking out another man to fill that void is not the way. Maybe after a divorce, but have you tried everything to save your marriage? Books, seminars, Counseling? He may be unwilling but don't you owe it to your marriage to at least try everything on your part.

I believe you need to break off all contact with this man. This is how affairs begin. And I really think you need to tell your husband about these feelings for another man. It will shock him and wake him up to how much you've been hurting, and to how close he is to losing you (both of which are huge motivators for him.) If he was like I was, he was totally oblivious. I wish my wife had come to me before she had slept with the OM. it would have saved BOTH of us a lot of pain and regret. (by the way we are still together and our marriage is doing better than it has in a long time, if that gives you hope.)

The other thing that will probably happen by telling him, is that the excitement and secrecy of this friendship will disappear and may quiet a lot of what your heart says. You will really see the consequences of what you're considering.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Yes. you DO stay and work it out. He (by your own admission) is making an effort.

let me tell you about affairs... It is commonplace for people who get a bit of exciting flirtatious attention to "fall in love", but the reality is that it is NOT love. It is the overwhelming desire for attention, and the satisfaction of getting it.

This friend of yours (or any other man for that matter) will not ever be able to be who you are trying to make them out to be. They are (as you said... sort of) Just fantasies.

Think about the time when you were dating your husband. Did he sit up on the computer all the time? Did you go try to get involved with other guys? No! of course not.

So then what happened? Life happened. It is natural to grow apart. Somewhere along the line, we slow down on the courtship and stop bringing flowers and life settles down to a "normal" mode.

What you have to do is to re-connect on the same level that you did when you were dating. Never stop dating! This is part of what makes life so special and exciting. Keep things fresh and new...

Whatever you do, DO NOT CHEAT! it will only hurt people INCLUDING YOU, and it will never be what it seems at the time. These feelings are filled with confusion, fog, haze, smoke and mirrors. 

work with your husband... it seems like he wants to work with you. After all... you married him "Until Death", not "For now until something better comes along".

Good luck!

~Moog


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I agree. Work on your marriage. He is making an effort. Let him know how you feel about everything. My husband and I have gone through this.
It will get better for awhile then he slumps back into seemingly not caring about us at all. I had a talk with him about how that is not going to work either, the changes have to be for good. 
So make sure your H knows the same and how his behavior makes you feel.


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## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

I agree with them, stay with your husband and try to work it out. Since he had started to change which is a good sign that he really don't want to lose you. Divorcing your husband will just leave a big impact to your children, which you don't want to happen. I'm not saying that you should save your marriage only for your children, but at least try to make it work, maybe it's not too late for you and your husband. 
And like what moogvo said, it's just a fantasy.. and you should stop it before it gets worse and hurt everyone in your family, especially your children. 

I'd like to share an article about Divorce and Impact on our Children.
Good luck.


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## lost101 (Feb 25, 2009)

moogvo said:


> Yes. you DO stay and work it out. He (by your own admission) is making an effort.
> 
> let me tell you about affairs... It is commonplace for people who get a bit of exciting flirtatious attention to "fall in love", but the reality is that it is NOT love. It is the overwhelming desire for attention, and the satisfaction of getting it.
> 
> ...



When we first dated yes he was on the computer, chat rooms & playing PC games & he always beat them that was it, but he always made time for me, we always had "our time" and had quite the relationship. We lived together 4 years before we got married and there was no computer during that time. I had to get a PC for home for me for work, but my office soon turned over to his "hole" and started playing these role-playing games, which their is no end. I took the time to actually try the game out for myself as a way to share his interests and spend time together... it lasted about a month, never liked it, couldn't get into it. I did try!
I even started doing my own thing, my crafts and moved them into the office so at least we we're in the same room together. Then the talking evenutally stopped, I was talking to a wall and be ignored. It came to the point it was a fight for me to check my e-mail for work, which brings income in, I had enough and had to get myself a laptop for Christmas.
As for as cheating goes, I will never do that! I don't believe in it, I was cheated on before in past relationship, one of my friends and she ended up prego with my bf at the time. 
My friend, from when we started talking thought I wanted an affair, but I told him straight out that wasn't my intentions. I honestly don't think I could do anything like that until we were legally seperated or divorced. I'm not like that at all. What I did want was someone to talk to, someone to be there for me, someone to hold me. I understand you may think a hug can lead to a kiss which can lead to trouble and I agree, but I know myself that I would beable to control myself that way and my friend wouldn't do that either. He also has morals... when I told him how I truly felt & my fantasies, I think what I truely was hoping for is that he felt the same way and would help me and walk me through this, to be there for me and once I get settled on my own with the children that we would go from there and see what happens. 
I feel so lost and as for my marriage, I have tried, I wanted to do the conselling but he doesn't. As far as his trying goes, it lasted only a few days, and gone back to the old habits. I don't know what else to do.
My head says to stay for the children and suck it up, but my heart says to move on and be happy. In all honesty, I'm just scared I'll be all alone in this and end up with nobody in the end, which I don't think I can do! If I didn't have children, I would have walked out awhile back and he has said the same.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I really feel for your pain. The thing is, I still think you need to just come out and tell him how you feel. I don't believe divorce is ever the best alternative, but I understand when it's your only option. He needs to know that you are at a crossroads, and unless things change, you are going to leave. Tell him that you've been spending time with another man, because he ignores you. Tell him that you are ready to split. If this doesn't motivate him (to at least go to counseling, if not to change) then I imagine nothing will. This may not save your marriage, but at least make this one last effort.

As far as the relationship with the other man. I know he hasn't been communicating with you, but I really think you need step away from it. I understand that you are a moral person, and believe cheating is wrong, but I'd say a fair share of cheaters out there felt that way. The affairs "surprised" them. My wife is one of the most moral people I know, but in her words, up to the very moment of her affair, she didn't think she was capable of what she did. Just be very careful. I'll be praying for you.


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## lost101 (Feb 25, 2009)

Ted said:


> I really feel for your pain. The thing is, I still think you need to just come out and tell him how you feel. I don't believe divorce is ever the best alternative, but I understand when it's your only option. He needs to know that you are at a crossroads, and unless things change, you are going to leave. Tell him that you've been spending time with another man, because he ignores you. Tell him that you are ready to split. If this doesn't motivate him (to at least go to counseling, if not to change) then I imagine nothing will. This may not save your marriage, but at least make this one last effort.
> 
> As far as the relationship with the other man. I know he hasn't been communicating with you, but I really think you need step away from it. I understand that you are a moral person, and believe cheating is wrong, but I'd say a fair share of cheaters out there felt that way. The affairs "surprised" them. My wife is one of the most moral people I know, but in her words, up to the very moment of her affair, she didn't think she was capable of what she did. Just be very careful. I'll be praying for you.


I guess I will try to have a conversation with him this evening. It will be hard, I don't think I will tell him who my friend is as its not real important especially since I haven't heard from him.
I think I'm afraid that he'll throw me out and take the children or twist things and say I did have an affair.

To be truthfully honest I believe now that I married too young, I never knew what love was until I had my first child, and then I never thought it was impossible to love two at the same time until I had my second child. I now know what love is and I know I married for life and I took marriage vows... for better or for worse... but the worst is supposed to get better, and it hasn't. With all the distantance and the negativity coming from him, its sad to say, but I have fallen out of love with him. I don't know if I can ever feel that way about him again, maybe it is time for us to go our seperate ways for awhile and see what happens... 

Thanks for all of your kind words of advice, I'll let you know how it goes, wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!


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## HailMary (Mar 3, 2009)

lost101

Your story sounds so much like the situation my wife and I are in, but at the beginning stage.

If you can somehow tell your husband that you just want to talk with him. Tell him you need him to just listen and not react, that you love him, but that this is really important.

Lately with my wife, I say I'm going to create an imaginary bubble of a demilitarized zone around this conversation and we're going to put all our weapons (our hurtful words and hurt feelings) on the table and not use them. This analogy worked for me because of our personalities, but if you can think of a better way do that.

I wish that this is the way things had gone with my wife and me. Instead we both just overreacted and the well balanced machine that was our marriage became unbalanced and started to destroy itself. We're still together, but just barely. I don't know how it will end up for us, but it's not too late for you.

There are so much information out there in bookstores and the internet about how to strengthen or repair your marriage.

I wish I had had the sense to view this info before I got passed the possible point of no return.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

lost....


I would say that anything is possible, with God's help. And if you are not a religious person, it doesn't change that the possibility is still there.

As for love, let me try to put my view on it, and see if you think you might see some merit it it.

As for falling, "in" and "out" of love. Love isn't a feeling, it's not even an emotion. Stay with me here. Love doesn't just "hit" you like cupids arrow. It's not a passing breeze that wafts over your body, but leaves whether you like it or not. 
Do men and women, or partners have the feeling of "falling in love" that exciting, wonderful, sexually charged, heart is melting feeling? Yes, of course! But that isn't the love part of it. That is the attraction part, speaking physically through your body. Not just physical attraction though, it's the mental attraction, the "we have so much in common" attraction, that makes you feel dizzy, when you kiss, or make love, or hold someone. Do those things lead to love, sure they do. But they aren't love. Love is a Choice, it's a choice we make, to consiously give our devotion to someone. 

You love your kids, once you see that baby on ultrasound, and hold it in your arms, it's love, for the rest of your life. And nothing that child could ever do, right or wrong, could make you stop loving them. Even when you have to punish them, and it hurts you more than them, it's love that is making you do that. Love is a choice. We choose to say no to our kids when they want something that isn't good for them, because we are choosing to love them, and to love, we do what is best for that person, not just ourselves. 

Love takes an imense amount of work, and even though love with adults who are married, is on a different level than the love you have for your kids, it's in theory still the same concept, still the same choice. 

You can get the spark back, if you truly want to. It will take loads of work. As long as there is no abuse going on, anything is fixable in a marriage. Just about anyway.

Just think on this while you consider what to do, or when you think you're not "in love " with him anymore. Love doesn't just happen to us, it's our own creation, it's our choice, not cupids. 

Good luck, keep everyone posted!


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

:iagree:


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Lost...

Very similar to my situation. My H has been selfish for 14 years of our life together. He did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it, and to hell with what I wanted and when I wanted it. The ball is in MY court now and I get to say so.

I completely agree with Moog. You are in love with the attention this other man gave you, not the other man. This other man filled a void that your husband kind of forgot about. That's what you love. And it sounds like the other guy took the high road. He saw what was happening with you and he nobly walked away. He knew it was trouble, and he would have been the bad guy. Kudos to him!

As far as how you get it back with your husband, and get him to know how serious you are... there is something, and I can't speak for him/you, that will get his attention. For my H, it was taking off my rings and throwing them on the headboard and not looking back at them. That was the straw that made him realize, "OMG, she's serious!" Apparently that wasn't it for your H. I know you don't want to tell your H about the other man, but maybe that's what it will take to get his attention. The thing is, we don't know what it is that will get their attention until we just stumble upon it one day.

Love and marriage are a journey, not a destination (credit to LOVETAKESWORK in my thread). Counseling is just an intervention to help you see things from a different point of view. To help you work on your journey. Like using a road map. I know men don't like to use maps or ask for directions, but sometimes you just need to. We just started counseling a week ago. You have to do all you can to save the marriage.

Maybe I missed it, but I don't think you said you had stopped trying for baby #3. UM HELLO!!! Don't bring another child into this marriage yet!!!!! A baby won't fix anything, and with the situation you're already in, it will only make it worse.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hmmm... The only thing I can say is that my wife said "I am strong enough to resist the temptation. I can take care of myself".

She fell in a moment of desperation. It can happen to the strongest. Be careful!


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