# Need advice... about teenage step-daughter...



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

My hubby and I have been together for 6 years and when we met his daughter was 9. She is now 15 and we have a 2.5 year old daughter together. 

My step-daughter left our house to live with her Mom full time a couple of years ago, and has since returned... about 2 months ago. She went from week on, week off, to nothing... and now that it's summer, she can come and go as she pleases.

My hubby and I are butting heads on this one, cuz he's letting her do what she wants, and doesn't figure I need to be consulted with, if whatever it is doesn't affect me or have something to do with me. 

We both work a regimented schedule and have more than 1 job each, so we really do have to plan things. We have been struggling in our marriage to find the time to do things together and have just got to that place, and now it feels like the cheese slid off the cracker, once again.

When I ask him about something to do with her, he almost always challenges me on it and doesn't seem to understand what I mean, or be on the same page as me. 

I'll ask her to do, or not do something, then find out the next day, he's said yes, mostly because he didn't know what I said/told her.

I'm conflicted right now with the time and schedule. We originally agreed to a few days a week and now, she gets all the power to come and go, whenever, no matter what. He told me he wouldn't let her do this if she decided to move back in... but HE HAS! 

It really does throw our family out of balance in the sense that he caters to her, ensures she's entertained/happy and puts her first. He'd rather watch a movie with her, than go for a walk with me, help with chores, whatever. And at night, she goes to bed whenever she wants and keeps me up!

I am totally frustrated. I have had the day tomorrow planned to myself, and now she's coming by to settle back in, when it's my only day off, without anyone else in the house... I only get these days once or twice a month, and really need ME time. And US time... and also, for our little one's sake... she needs structure and routine too, and has been asking about the changes a lot.

I have no idea what to say to him or her. It's been a challenge the entire duration of our relationship/marriage.

It's driving me nuts and I feel disappointed and as though I'm locked up in a closet where no one else can hear me. He's not understanding where I am coming from when I say I need time, and we need time... I just want balance.

Anyone have experiences with this? Suggestions?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aquajay said:


> I'll ask her to do, or not do something, then find out the next day, he's said yes, mostly because he didn't know what I said/told her.


First, why don't you then tell him what you talked to her about? Easy to fix.

Second, the rest is going to require counseling. Sorry, it just is. Teenage girls need structure, especially when a stepmom is involved. You both need to be on the same page regarding her. Tell him you need him to go to at least 3 sessions, to iron this all out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

At 15 years old, she should have a curfew, but I don't think you can dictate to a 15 year old when they have to go to bed.

Much of this is stuff that has nothing to do with her being a stepchild and everything to do with her age.

I also don't think it's up to you to parent her, but you and your husband do need to be on the same page as far as what she's told about things.

Our three kids are mine from my first marriage, and my husband never made any decisions about them growing up. I did the majority of the disciplining also. That's just the way it worked best for us. My sister, though, allowed her boyfriend to move in and take over with her 3 kids. Those kids totally resent that now that they're grown.

You and your husband should first agree on what the 'house rules' are, and then discuss the best way to integrate your stepdaughter into the household. Family counseling may help with that. I also recommend the Idiots Guide to Step Parenting.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry but you are just going to have to "ride this out." Teenage girls are HARD on everyone. As long as she is semi-respectful to you in your home, let her Father parent her as he wishes. Stop trying to get her to comply with your routines. Let it go; your life will be easier.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You definitely need to talk to your husband about some ground rules. 

However, bedtime is difficult to dictate. BUT you can certainly tell her/ask politely by saying that you need to get up at x o'clock and therefore will be going to bed around [time] and please either be in her room or very quiet after that time and thank you so much for understanding. 

Put up a small dry erase board with the schedules and where everyone will be. List your work hours, after work appointments and put where she will be - mall with friends, pool, etc. ASK her what her plans are. If she is involved, she is more likely to be considerate. Just because you ask doesn't mean you and hubby can't veto her plans, but it could avoid some problems. 

Maybe have your husband schedule a daddy-daughter evening. Then ask if she would please watch the younger child one evening that week so you and hubby can do something. If you trust one of her good friends, ask if that girl can come spend the night and both of them watch the toddler. If you GIVE something first, it makes it easier to ASK for something in return.


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## justdance4me (Jul 12, 2013)

As a step mom do you "parent" your step daughter or is that all on your husband? My FH has three kids ages 15 (soon to be 16), 14 and 12. 

I don't feel comfortable "parenting" them, but being a support for them if they need someone to talk to. I would never get in the way of my FH or his ex parenting. I told the kids when I first met them that I just want to be their friend and they accepted me with that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The problem is that the OP isn't comfortable with HOW he's parenting his daughter. She sees red flags and feels her SD needs more regulation, and he just wants to please his daughter, so he's letting her turn into a little monster in training. Kids need rules. Even when they say they don't want them, they still need them.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

aquajay, I too think you need to go to counseling together, but my reason is a little different. As I am not sure there is much you can do about how he is raising his daughter, he is not considering you in this picture. He needs to understand this, perhaps counseling would help. 

The other reason is, a precedence is being set on how the parenting will take place with the child you have together. If this is how he parents, chances are this is how he will parent your child - and how he will minimize your position with her and with him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My W's ex had a daughter, and she had a daughter. The way the two girls turned out is the difference between night and day. 

Not placing discipline and boundaries on your step daughter, while he enables her self-centered teen world view of life, will result in something quite similar, I think. 

Frankly, if he could see my wife's ex-step-daughter today, he'd re-think the whole approach very carefully. She's nobody I'd want my son (if I had one) to be involved with.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses... my hubby and I actually have been to counselling several times and initially for this reason. It was difficult to balance out the dynamic change for everyone... and now it's just a matter of finding a way to manage and deal.

It's hard for me to approach him about nearly anything to do with his daughter, cuz before me, he was used to being 100% right, all the time, as a single dad. He sees most of what I say to be a criticism or a complaint. IT'S SO DIFFICULT! I feel like I'm stuck some days and that this triangular positioning is just not gonna work.

What do you think about approach? How should I mention something or bring it up?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you need a hard, fast, agreement on who does what and on what DD is allowed to do. You and DH need to sit down and agree on her curfew, the amount of tv she can watch, what happens if she gets a C, etc. Spell it all out, in a little document. Both of you need to sign it. 

Then, when anything comes up, you both will agree to adhere to what you agreed to. It gives your DH a way out when DD tries to play him (she will) - sorry, honey, them's the rules. And if you have to enforce something, he can't come down on you either.


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## Mrs.? (Jul 20, 2013)

Hi, I just want to let you know I am in the same exact situation. The only difference is his daughter is 21 and really is good at manipulating situations. His daughter is off limits as far as conversations are concerned. And I think in your situation it boils down to this YOUR A THREAT!!! 
It may be he doesn't want to share position as a gaurdian. Thinks that you have some kind of resentment or animosity against his daughter or just don't want to deal with resposibility of being a dad and husband at the same time. Maybe he is trying to save his relationship with his daughter by allowing her to manipulate the situation. Whatever the reason is? Your not going to win.
If I were you I would just ignore her. Focuse on your own child, take care of yourself and responsibilities and don't pay mind to her. Now as far as your days off and the intrusion on your personal space. That has to change.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

When I was a kid.. If we asked my dad something and he said no, then asked mom.. and she said yes.. well when they talked and found out that me/my sibs manipulated them, they came down hard.. punishment ensured we never did it again. I was grounded for 3 months once. 

Now a 15yo teen is a different story.. as my parents hammered that down at a much younger age.. but your hubby needs to recognize that his daughter isn't a perfect angel, and if she wants to bend and break rules, then she can go live at moms.

Your hubby also needs to realize that rules are needed, and he needs to at least compromise a set of rules that will be absolutely enforced, and he absolutely must be involved in that enforcement. He's obviously trying to be his daughters "friend", which will end with YOU being the 'bad guy' in her eyes.

It can't and won't work that way. You know it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The real problem here is the same ol' story - divorced dad doesn't understand daughters, thinks he has to treat her like a princess or else she will 'choose mom.' He has no clue as to human nature and what a little monster his daughter is going to turn into with this attitude.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If I may, can I ask a few questions?
Does she still visit her mother?
Do you have any other children?
Who does most of the parenting concerning discipline?


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