# What would you do or say??



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So dh and I have been working to reconnect... or actually I should say that I have been working to reconnect, moreso than he does. He gives a little bit then seems to back off. Anyway, so earlier today I put on a new set of matching bra and panties and walked by him 4 times (he was on the pc but not really deep into anything) and he didn't say a word or notice. (I have also lost my couple extra pounds and am back to my prekids weight and more toned).... The first time I walked by it wasn't fast... I had to go into another room right by him... the other 3 times, were intentional to try to get his attention, the 3rd time he spoke to me, glanced at me, didn't say a word, didn't notice, nothing. I was upset. I got dressed and he came into the bedroom and I was doing my hair, he asked me what was wrong, and since we are working on communication (rather then hold it in and tell him later, which is a bad habit I am working on breaking) I told him I said "I just walked by you intentionally 4 times in a sexy new pair of bra and panties and you paid me no mind whatsoever". He immediately got angry and said he was working on the computer. I told him he looked at me to speak but still didn't notice, he then said nothing. I reminded him that normally before he would've noticed me half naked and made some sort of comment or something. (One of the things we have been working on is trying to get back the spark in our marriage) I told him my telling him was not to get him angry, but to get him to see I am trying so many ways and he doesn't notice. (this is just one example). So he left (he was planning to anyway) and I went ahead and sent him a pick in the same pair of sexy undies (we're talking animal prints okay). I got a simple, thank you for the picture. Really? What am I doing wrong. I read on here to back off, but when I read on marriage articles elsewhere it says do not emotionally/intimately distance yourself, it makes things worse, to give your all... which is what I am sooo trying to do to make our marriage better. A year ago, the same senario, I would not have had to walk by more than once, and he would've made some kind of remark, or if he didn't notice and I sent a picture I would've at least gotten a compliment (or later something said along the lines of not getting the picture out of his head or something, ANYTHING) today, nothing.... I am at a loss. I have requested him to be more romantic, I get nothing. I got a little bit of emotional opening up from him but then that shut down again too. But I am curious, if you are working on your marriage and this similar situation happened? What would you do?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Geez, that would be upsetting.
Animals prints are so awesome!

You mentioned he was planning to leave anyways so it was it a long time span, or did he have to be somewhere in say 30 minutes when you were walking by him? (if he had noticed, would he have had time to do anything about?) Was he doing work stuff on the pc?

Just wondering about the timing.
If timing wasn't an issue, get him some glasses  Big ole' fake ones, with the nose and moustache. Put them on him next time.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

deejov said:


> Geez, that would be upsetting.
> Animals prints are so awesome!
> 
> You mentioned he was planning to leave anyways so it was it a long time span, or did he have to be somewhere in say 30 minutes when you were walking by him? (if he had noticed, would he have had time to do anything about?) Was he doing work stuff on the pc?
> ...


He didn't need to be in a hurry, he was suddenly in a hurry when I expressed my upset at the situation. And it was not work related on the pc, he was trying to figure out a way to forward phone calls from one phone to another so we didn't miss a sales call today. But again, he spoke to me and looked in my direction, and still didn't notice... And the point was to peak his interest, just be on his mind, maybe play around for a few before we both had to leave... not "get it on" fully. lol But being ignored... that is what bothered me, and then later the comment on the picture..... lol about your glasses comment, I didn't feel like I shouldn't have to say "LOOK AT ME!" at least I never did before...but then afterwards I realized by sending the pic that is what I did...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You don't have to say look at me. I will say that when my wife wants to get my attention and I'm on the computer, she comes up behind me and puts her arms around me and gives me a hug. Other times she comes along side me and smiles at me.

Both of those do wonders for getting my attention on her pronto. Clearly walking around behind him isn't getting it done, perhaps rather than getting upset you can find what does get him to notice you. Heck if you want to see that wow factor when he really notices you, then give him a hug from behind and just watch his reaction when his jaw hits the floor as he turns his gaze. 

I would talk to him though, and let him know that when you do whatever you want to be your signal to get his attention (a hug, stand by the side, or w/e) that he needs to take a moment and really look you in the eyes (or in this case maybe somewhere else ).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would be offended, yes. "Thank you for the picture"?? REALLY!?

Dude.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> You don't have to say look at me. I will say that when my wife wants to get my attention and I'm on the computer, she comes up behind me and puts her arms around me and gives me a hug. Other times she comes along side me and smiles at me.
> 
> Both of those do wonders for getting my attention on her pronto. Clearly walking around behind him isn't getting it done, perhaps rather than getting upset you can find what does get him to notice you. Heck if you want to see that wow factor when he really notices you, then give him a hug from behind and just watch his reaction when his jaw hits the floor as he turns his gaze.
> 
> I would talk to him though, and let him know that when you do whatever you want to be your signal to get his attention (a hug, stand by the side, or w/e) that he needs to take a moment and really look you in the eyes (or in this case maybe somewhere else ).


That helps Browncoat.... helps me identify the problem, that lately nothing gets his attention. So I need to change my approach, and I do hug and do kiss, and more.... I just want some affection and desire and passion shown in return... that is missing.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> That helps Browncoat.... helps me identify the problem, that lately nothing gets his attention. So I need to change my approach, and I do hug and do kiss, and more.... I just want some affection and desire and passion shown in return... that is missing.


You deserve it!  He's just being a bit slow, and not picking up on subtle clues. Guys often times focus on one thing at a time at the expense of everything else going on around them. So the key is finding that way to get him to stop what he's doing and shift focus.

I will say that at least with me, I don't like getting interrupted too many times in a row... not sure if your husband is the same way, but just some food for thought as well.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I would be offended, yes. "Thank you for the picture"?? REALLY!?
> 
> Dude.


i know!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I read on marriage articles elsewhere it says do not emotionally/intimately distance yourself, it makes things worse, to give your all... which is what I am sooo trying to do to make our marriage better.


I don't agree with this advice. If you've got a checked out husband the last thing you need to do is give them more attention. If anything you need to distance yourself from them so they wake back up before they lose something great like YOU!!


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I don't agree with this advice. If you've got a checked out husband the last thing you need to do is give them more attention. If anything you need to distance yourself from them so they wake back up before they lose something great like YOU!!


yes, I have been distancing myself from H because I was too available- and it is working wonders so far.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

What Mavash and JuliaP are talking about is referred to on this site as pulling a 180: The Healing Heart: The 180

You don't have to use everyone of these steps, be smart and apply those things you think will work and exclude those that won't help the situation. Sometimes though you may be surprised at what does work.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I had to go into another room right by him... the other 3 times, were intentional to try to get his attention, the 3rd time he spoke to me, glanced at me, didn't say a word, didn't notice, nothing. I was upset. I got dressed and he came into the bedroom and I was doing my hair, he asked me what was wrong, and since we are working on communication (rather then hold it in and tell him later, which is a bad habit I am working on breaking) I told him I said "I just walked by you intentionally 4 times in a sexy new pair of bra and panties and you paid me no mind whatsoever". He immediately got angry and said he was working on the computer. I told him he looked at me to speak but still didn't notice, he then said nothing. *I reminded him that normally before he would've noticed me half naked and made some sort of comment or something*.


It seems to me that he is keeping distance from you. It seems that he is resenting you for something.
Did you rejected him sexually before?

My gosh I wish my wife would walk around me in sexy lingerie to grab my attention!!I would have lost interest on the pc immediately!!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> What Mavash and JuliaP are talking about is referred to on this site as pulling a 180: The Healing Heart: The 180
> 
> You don't have to use everyone of these steps, be smart and apply those things you think will work and exclude those that won't help the situation. Sometimes though you may be surprised at what does work.


I should mention that in my case I pulled what I refer to as a partial 180. That is if you look at the first 10 steps, I didn't do all of them. I didn't do 5 & 9.

I thought for my marriage, that planning for our kid's future and for what the family was going to do this summer was important. I didn't want to punish my kids or hurt the family as a whole if I could help it so step 5 was on the table.

Also I felt that removing date nights wouldn't help my wife feel like opening up to me more... because I knew her and how she felt/saw things. Cutting off date nights would make her more cold, instead of making her feel closer and therefore more willing to do the things I asked from her. So step 9 was on the table.


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## runningman1 (May 7, 2012)

livelaughlovenow

Next time try adding stockings syspender and killer heels - he will notice I assure you !!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's not being slow to pick up clues. He is serially and deliberately rejecting you. You keep telling him you crave more romance and intimacy and then you parade in front of him in sexy undies. That's not a clue any man with a single brainwave would miss. You are trying to add spark to the marriage but it apparently isn't a priority for him. You shouldn't have to drag your partner kicking and screaming to the bedroom. One thing that bugs me about your post. You toldl him your problem (that you want him to notice you sexually). This would be not only reasonable for any wife but most normal men like sex and to feel desired. Your's responded by immediately becoming hostile. He's pissed off because his wife wants to have sex with him????? Seriously? So, in his mind, your feelings don't matter and how dare you even mention your pesky problems to him! Not sure what the problem is but I don't think it's primarily about sex.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Unbelievable you are correct, we have some other issues, as i mentioned we are working on our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I'm going to take a different view or recommendation on this.
> If you pull a 180 or disengage, he may not notice and it could make the problem go on longer.
> 
> In my case what ended it for me was when my wife really got mad and pissed off.
> ...


I think the 180 is for HER. At least thats the way it worked for me. I needed to focus on me and less on him. I needed to be okay with letting him go and being happy WITHOUT him. Then once I got grounded then and only then was I able to get angry and really let my husband have it. And mean it!!!!

Had I done it too soon it would have just come off as whining and nagging. Trust me getting mad on it's own never worked because I tried that. He just withdrew even further. I don't think I had enough self esteem to pull it off. I do now.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I went ahead and sent him a pick in the same pair of sexy undies (we're talking animal prints okay). I got a simple, thank you for the picture.


WTF, not cool at all. 
He's disconnected from you & it seems as if he is using sex as a way to communicate this. 
He's upset, so he's withholding intimacy, he won't talk to you about his real issues & then gets upset when you try to discuss how you're feeling.
Sounds like unresolved issues manifesting through passive agressive behavior.
Are you two going to counseling, either together or individually?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

No counseling, just working thru it on our own. He is strange. This morning he mentioned having something to make me feel better (my back was hurting) and I said what and he said a stick...I knew what he meant...kind of slyly smiled and he said, ah I got a smile. Things aren't perfect by any means or us. I don't think a 180 is a solution for me, I typically when mad or upst would withdraw until I coud process things and that is one of the things he asked me to work on, not hold things in and sweep them until I blow. We over the last three months have been working thru a lot of things, changes in life, stress, his depression, my anxiety and some trust issues that stemmed from distance due to all of the above. I have however taken some of the 180 stuff and put to use, working on me, making myself happier, getting fit, etc. it helps with my self esteem and confidence but his total change in showing me attention and affection get to me, I can't help it. I dress sexier, for myself, and with the hope to get a compliment and I dont. But I believe a 180 would surely be counterproductive to us trying to regain emotional and sexual intimacy. Thing is when we have sex it's the best! We have had some deeper talks, talked about things we never had before, he says he loves me kisses me goodbye,he hasn't withdrawn completely but there has been a substantial decrease. I guess I'm trying too hard, maybe a slight back off wouldn't hurt. Let him do the chasing again......Idk. I go back and forth and think I will get what I give if I give some romance I will get some back, if I give more affection, attention to detail I will get some back. I guess we just need more time. One day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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