# Very Confused on a young marriage..What to do?



## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

Hello, I'm new to this site and just looking for away to vent. I'm so tired from the two arguments I've carried on today with my spouse I can barely think straight. I guess I'm just looking for some clarity from here.

I've been with my husband for eight years now. However, we've been married for three months. So we were together for five and engaged for two. I wanted to wait on marriage and finish college first. Now we are married and I've found us being together as husband and wife more difficult. I'm not sure I was ready for marriage, I'm five years younger than my husband and met him when I was 19. I had never been in a serious relationship before him and met him the year my father was passing from a terminal cancer. Now I'm in my late 20's and trying to find a career. My husband and I are fighting more - which means more about finances and sex. It is mainly about finances. When we were single we kept things private from one another. My husband as never been physically abusive, but maybe at times hurtful with words. But I believe I have too just because I was young and wanted him to hurt like I was hurting (I'm not very proud of that). I've tried to change as I've gotten older and since getting married have tried to be more open with financial situations. Thins I wouldn't tell him before I've tried to be more open with him. I've been there for him through loss of a parent and through financial heartache with his pass debt troubles. 

I'm not angel by no means, but I've never cheated nor been abusive. I've always tried to do the right thing and he has too. But since we've gotten married I feel like there is still this thing between us. We are argue badly. He says we don't argue, but I've never in my life yelled, shaken and cried as I have while engaging with him. I switch my rings and put it on another finger. Because I'm just so angry with him. I didn't really want to get married. I kinda felt pushed into the situation. His mother had passed and his step father wanted to pay for us to get married on a certain day that we thought would be good for us. Unfortunately, we thought we might have to cancel because we didn't have the funds. Though the gesture was nice and very gracious, I think things were pushed as his mother passed in the summer and we had the wedding the fall. I think everyone was still grieving and we should have waited. 

I just think he hasn't changed. He has done some great things, by helping sign for my car and paying for a few things here and there. But I always feel that is going to bite me in the ass later. He is going to bring it up in an argument and hold it over my head. Just now we had a horrible argument over finances and I'm in tears. This just isn't me. I'm not sure what to do. It is difficult to talk with him because I'm just tired and confused. I've never really been in another relationship to compare these feelings or actions. He doesn't always wear his wedding ring because he says he forgets to put it on. There is a part of me that feels like I want a divorce. I want to start over. I'm not 100% happy. I love my husband. He is a good person. But I'm not sure what's wrong with me. 

It is difficult that I'm struggling to pay bills and he talks about getting a motorcycle when I'm not even sure if I'm going to have money for groceries. I know he would help me but to even ask for funds I'd get an attitude from him and I just feel like it would come and kick my ass later. Why should I feel afraid to ask for help?? Is this normal? 

I need clarity. Is it normal that I don't want to change my name? I want to keep my old name and people are giving me a very hard time about it. I wanted to keep my old name and add a dash in between my name and his. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I want to keep my name. Okay, I'm just really confused, maybe I'm just being a brat.

If anyone can give some advice that'd be great. [/FONT]


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm confused. You are married.. but you are strugling to pay the bills.
How are your finances set up? Do you both put all of your income into a joint account? Or do you keep your finances separate?

What % of your joint income do each of you make?

Need more info here.


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## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

Yes I'm married. But we keep things separate. I've been unemployed for a few months now. I keep interviewing for jobs and can't seem to find anything. I'm either over qualified or not qualified enough. Very frustrating.

We do not have a joint account. We do keep our finances separate. Before I was laid off from my last job, I paid $200 of the rent and he paid the remainder. I paid for groceries and my bills. While he paid his bills, electric, a/c and the remainder of the rent which is $650. He makes about $21 an hr which I'm lucky if I can make $10 where we live. It is very frustrating. 

We have decided to keep things separate as for paying bills. But as soon as I'm able to get a job he wants us to pay things evenly. As in, I pay $425 in rent, pay half for electric, a/c and heater, half on groceries and my own bills. He wants to know when he'll get "his break". 

Does this help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just_Not_Sure said:


> Yes I'm married. But we keep things separate. I've been unemployed for a few months now. I keep interviewing for jobs and can't seem to find anything. I'm either over qualified or not qualified enough. Very frustrating.
> 
> We do not have a joint account. We do keep our finances separate. Before I was laid off from my last job, I paid $200 of the rent and he paid the remainder. I paid for groceries and my bills. While he paid his bills, electric, a/c and the remainder of the rent which is $650. He makes about $21 an hr which I'm lucky if I can make $10 where we live. It is very frustrating.
> 
> ...


Yes it helps.

Didn’t the two of you discuss finances before you got married? It’s such an important thing and yet most people never do. 

I would never stay married to a man who wants the finances set up so that I struggle financially and he gets to have a lot of fun money. That is not what marriage is about. 

You two will most likely always fight about money. For one thing neither of you seen to get what marriage is about when it comes to finances. 

You are both responsible legally to support each other. All of the income that comes into your home belongs to both of you. There is not his and yours. There is the community income, period. Any new debt that either of you makes is the others legal debt to. 

Let’s say he buys that motorcycle by getting a loan. If he stops paying on it, they can come after you to pay it.

If he gets sick or laid off, you have to support him, just as he is supporting you now.

IMHO, the best way to handle marital finances is to put all of both incomes into a joint account. Then 10% goes into a joint savings. All bills are paid out of the joint account. Groceries, etc are bought out of the joint account. Each of you get x% of whatever is left over after all bills are paid. If nothing is left over then neither of you get any ‘mad money’. If lots is left over you can either split it 50/50 or 33/33/33% with 1/3 of it going to the joint savings… or any other scheme you come up with . But first you need enough in savings to be able to live off your savings for a year.

In this economy he might get his break sooner than he expected. 

Are you doing things like keeping the home up? Doing all the chores? Cooking all the meals, having his lunch ready for him?


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## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

Thank you for the reply. We did discuss finances before hand. Before we were married I was helping with finances such as paying the $200 for rent and such. I've always struggled since the beginning of the relationship. I've been in college and working a part time job. I was helping to the best of my ability. But never really had money to play with like he has had. But then again he has a had a full time job making good money. 

We have discussed a joint account and maybe that would help the issues. He seems to have a problem with me seeing how much money he has in his account and things like that. Now granted, I was like that in the beginning and since the marriage have become more open with him in my financial situation. 

I have helped him financially when he had needed, granted to the best of my ability. 

As far as household chores, lunches, cooking and cleaning. Yes I've made it my priority to keep up with those things including running any errands for him when he needs it. I've taken his car numerous times to get oil changed or looked at, ran to mail packages, ran to the store to get something for him. So while he is playing his video games relaxing I've been trying to hold my end by cleaning, cooking and running errands. 

I just feel this resentment towards him for some reason. I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way. I'm trying to do the best I can. He works swing shift and has been wanting to find a different career path. I took it upon myself to update his resume and while I'm looking for a job I've been sending his resume out as well and he even got a call about a new job - almost matching up to his current salary now. 

I'm just not sure if I'm over reacting about these things or what..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am a very strong believer that a non-employed spouse should take over things around the house and make life easier for the work spouse while unemployed. Of course if you are job hunting and going to school then the amount you would do is decreased by the time you spending doing those things. 
You are doing errands and cleaning while he’s relaxing with video games? Why don’t you do all that while he’s at work so that you can relax with him? Asking to get a clearer picture of the situation.

While you two were single, the financial setup you had makes sense. But now that you are married it does not make sense. Not to me anyway. 

There should be 100% transparency in marriage. By marrying you, he has agreed that you are entitled to 50% of everything he earns. He’s not being transparent or honest with you. By not letting you see the finances he’s being dishonest. He is also being abusive. It’s considered spousal abuse to do this. Think of that .. it why you feel something is wrong. Because something is very wrong.

How long did you give him financial help when he needed it? Was he unemployed? Why did he need your help?

You have good reason to feel resentment for the way he’s handling this. You need to talk to him and get this straight. A huge percentage of marriages end because of financial issues. What you are dealing with is already causing trouble in your marriage. 

How much time each day are you spending job searching? What are you going to school for? What degree or training?


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## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

I'm a strong believer as well in those duties. This is why I didn't mind taking on the housemaid role. In the morning I go out looking for jobs, at night I'm applying online for a few hours. I do get most of my errands done while he is working or I'll do it in the day time. Again, it depends on his shift. He works 7-3, 3-11 or 11-7. It depends on the week which hours he's working. So we do things together, but he plays video games late at night while I go to bed. The video games has been the way it has been since the beginning. It's just when I'm cooking or doing laundry he's playing his games. 
It's not really a big deal, I mean he's worked and deserves to have his play time.

We do have relaxation time and I rub his back/arm if he asks for it. I guess in away I've spoiled him because when I ask to be rubbed it only last for a few minutes..haha

As far as help goes, when we first met he was laid off from his job. We met and he needed money to pay his bills. So I gave him the money. I wanted to help and I was working. The idea of helping hasn't always been financial, it's more figuring things out. For instance, he tends to flip out real easily and I am able to calm him down. I've been able to work situations out just by using my head. I hope that makes sense. 

I went to school for an English/Journ BA. I graduated last year and have been looking for a job. I was able to get something, but was laid off due to lack of work with the economy. So it's hard for me-because I've always had my own money. I supported him emotionally when he was laid off a second time in our dating period and he went to school to obtain computer certifications. He received unemployment and was still able to keep his end of the finances. Again, he makes more money than me. Even when he was on unemployment and I was working he was still making more money than me. I'm just telling you this information so you have a clear idea to his financial situation. 

I want to believe I'm a very patient woman. But since we've been married I haven't felt 100% comfortable with the idea. I haven't changed my name yet and we've had arguments over me not changing it. I can understand why he might be hurt, but to me it's a name. I made a commitment to him when I said "I do". Maybe I'm wrong - it's just how I feel. 

I tried to talk with my mom about this and she is dumbfounded at times. Her perspective is that the man should feel proud to be the breadwinner and want to make his wife happy. My husband has made it clear that he doesn't want to be the full supporter. Don't get me wrong I want to help and work. But I'm having a difficult time find a job in these times. 

My husband is still able to pay things and save money. I have to make a choice if I want to pay for my car insurance or pay for groceries. If I ask for help he will help, but I get a loud sigh and attitude. He tends to pound on the walls or slam his fist on the desk. I'm sometimes just very scared with his anger towards me. He wouldn't physically hit me, but he gets so angry he just has to hit something it seems. It just puts my stomach into knots. I try to avoid asking and prolonging as much as possible. I've thought about selling some of things my things just to pay for my side of the bills. 

You see I've never been in a relationship like this one. I've never had someone so mad with me and sometimes I'm not sure what I've done. Maybe I've been annoying or frustrating, but I'm human. I've tried to stay calm, but it's hard because I just feel this aching in my heart and then the tears well up and I'm not sure what to do. I really honestly don't know what to do. Am I being to sensitive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have never changed my name completely after I married. On my marriage certificate I signed it Ele MaidenName-MarriedName. So that is my legal name.

I still have a lot of accounts in my maiden name.

I have never changed my name at work. Most people there don’t even know my married name. I did not want to lose the connection to all the work and publications, etc. that I had under my maiden name before I married. 

My husband has not problems with it. 

Do what you want with your name. It’s your name. 

You should be scared by his yelling, pounding and banging. The message with that is ‘this could have been you’. Someday he’s going to hit you. Mark my words. The situation is escalating. So now he’s verbally abusive with pounding and banging. And he is using financial withholding as a form of abuse. No wonder you are struggling to feel good about this marriage.

So when you are working, what percentage of the household chores, cooking and shopping does he do?


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## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

I did exactly what you did. I put a dash in between the name. My last name was my father's name, and I don't want to let that go nor do I want to get rid of my middle name. My husband thinks I'm not fully committed if I don't change my name to his. But it is nice to know there are other women out there who keep their name. 

We split the chores. But I still make his lunch and make dinner. However, as I mentioned before I'm doing everything. I'm taking the trash out, cooking, laundry, errands and cleaning. Which is fine - I'm not working and want to help make his life as easy as possible since I'm not providing any funds. I'm just struggling to keep up my end of the bargain with finances. 

For example, today we had a lunch meeting with his step father. My husband told me all week it we were going to meet at a 2 pm. I was rushing to get out of the house when my husband called his step father and asked what time he wanted to meet. His step father said the time we decided on, which is 2:30 pm. 

I looked at my husband and just shook my head. Well that started it all. I asked him I thought you told me all week 2 and he said he didn't. He tends to forget things very quickly, either he doesn't hear what he's saying or doesn't care. I felt very frustrated and suggested to him he should write things down. I was pissed off but was keeping my voice calm. However, he lost his cool and began yelling his head off. He put his hands up and hit the wall as if it were a chalk board. He was calling out things like "I need a plan always a plan, I have to tell you the exact time when that isn't life at all". I was dumbfounded as to why he was getting so angry. We both just blew up and words were exchanged. I threatened not to go because I just didn't want to deal with this. I even said "we shouldn't have gotten married". That statement came out a few times. I know it isn't right to say that and I'm not sure why I said it. I guess just with all the anger it comes out. I left and took the trash out and came back. He begged me to go with him and said he was sorry for the yelling. But the whole ride there I just felt the tears come, it was a tense lunch. I didn't really want to sit next to him or even be there. 

Is this normal to have arguments like this? He says were aren't arguing. He thinks we are just having a disagreement, but I've never had such anger run through my body.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Seems like a few sessions with a marriage counsiler would do you two great.

A joint account is the solution to this and if he resists, then he doesn't trust you which means he holds deeper feelings that MUST be addressed if this marriage is to survive.

I don't understand how a spouse feels comfortable having all the control over finances and holding it as an advantage point in marriage. My father did that and it ended up crushing my mom's confidence throughout years. When they finally divorced after 28 years my dad lost the sense of control he had and is still angry/depressed to this day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Little disagreements are going to happen. If that had happened to me.. the 2 vs the 2:30 thing, I would not have said anything except something like "oh I thought you told me 2". I certainly would not have been upset unless I was on a schedule... like if i had an appointment after the lunch and the half hour difference would make me late or make me have to miss the lunch to avoid being late.

But the big deal to me is him going off the handle, banging the wall. You need to let you know that under no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate it. Either he stops that or you are leaving. 

If he's under a lot of stress, he needs to find a way to handle it that does not included being violent and yelling. 

The kind of argument that you describe where he yells and bangs on the wall is not normal at all.

I've been married to my current husband for 12 years. He has raised his voice to me once or twice in all those years. He has never yelled. I have yelled at him a few times... maybe 5... And each time it was over something extremely significant..... I mean either you stop what you are doing or I walk out the door right now kind of significant.


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## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

Thank you for the advice. I will suggest a joint account and talk to him about it. I guess will see where it leads and hopefully this marriage is going to work. Again, I'm just not fully comfortable and I think somewhere in his mind he feels the same thing. 

Thanks for listening. God Bless.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a very good book for the two of you to read. My husband and I read it aloud to each other. We took turns reading the chapters. Then we 'd discuss a chapter, made our plan as suggested, etc.

Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner 

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Couples-Finish-Rich-Creating/dp/0767904842


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## Just_Not_Sure (Jan 29, 2012)

Thank you. I'll check it out!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just_Not_Sure said:


> Thank you. I'll check it out!


By the way. The author says that the couples who have done the best financially are the ones in which the wife handles the finances and she is very frugal.. a thought to emphasize with your husband when you read it with him (if he'll do that). :smthumbup:


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