# Update



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well I found out Friday morning that my wife has still been lying to me about her EA. I have asked her multiple times if she had any contact with the OM after NC and she has sworn up and down that she hasn’t talked to them. I could tell she was lying to me. Now I know the truth, after she agreed to no contact she still continued to call the OM from her old work phone for a couple of months.

After I found out that she has lied to me more I decided that I want a divorce. I have given her so much time to be truthful to me, I have even told her a couple of times that it was amnesty hour and she could tell me anything that she needed to get off of her chest and she still just continued to lie to me. I don’t know how she could still look me in the eyes after lying so much.

My W doesn’t want us to get a D. She says that she can fix everything and she keeps begging me to stay with her. I know I can’t, I can’t trust her at all. I have literally zero trust for her and I feel like I’m still being lied to, I feel like I’m not being told everything and that she is only telling me what I want to hear or just enough to make me shut up.

I really love her with all of my heart but I can’t live like this anymore. It was a very lonely weekend… I don’t like being all alone at night, it’s very depressing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am so sorry. Lying is probably the worst thing to me. I hope you can find peace. Take care of yourself.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> Well I found out Friday morning that my wife has still been lying to me about her EA. I have asked her multiple times if she had any contact with the OM after NC and she has sworn up and down that she hasn’t talked to them. I could tell she was lying to me. Now I know the truth, after she agreed to no contact she still continued to call the OM from her old work phone for a couple of months.
> 
> After I found out that she has lied to me more I decided that I want a divorce. I have given her so much time to be truthful to me, I have even told her a couple of times that it was amnesty hour and she could tell me anything that she needed to get off of her chest and she still just continued to lie to me. I don’t know how she could still look me in the eyes after lying so much.
> 
> ...


Why don't you take some time apart? I'm in your exact situation with a WW that doesn't seem to have the ability to be perfectly truthful with me. Seriously, it appears she would rather get D than have to come to terms with everything she has done to me.

Granted, it's bad enough. Two EA/PAs in our marriage, so I suppose I don't need to hear anymore, but I'm sure there is.

I decided last night I'm moving out for 6 months to see what I want to do. Going right for divorce just isn't the way I roll. 6 months or a year is nothing in a lifetime. . .so at least I can say I gave things a try and didn't just immediately pull the plug. We'll continue with therapy. . . I'll show up on a weekly basis for that.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The only way, you will get the NC, to actually take effect, is to stay the course, and stay hard-----let her see reality.

Put all marital finances in an acct., with only your name on it----cancel all her credit cards----BUT---let her know she is responsible for half of all marital expenses---mtg,house insurance, car, utilities, food, gas, health insurance----give her a hard dose of reality----if all she is doing is playing around at talking to others inappropriately, she will wake up, real fast

Whether you follow thru with the D., or you consider a R., is up to you---but lonely or not, stay hard, no mr. nice-guy, and no lovey-dovey at this point.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I gave her enough time to come out and tell the truth and she refused to. She had multiple EAs, first one I found out about in october, the second and third I found out about in november and yet she still continued to talk to them all till at least january as far as I know.

She agreed to NC and still called them from work and lied to my face about it all up until I found out the truth. I'm going through with the D, I can't live like this.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I agree with everyone else here that you should at least take your time before getting the big D. Not sure what your state rules are like....if it would be a quick process or slow process. Where I live we have to be legally separated for a year first. I always thought that was stupid, but I guess in a way it really forces you to take some time off and make sure that you are sure about what you are doing.

At the same time, I completely understand what you are feeling. There are a lot of things that are very hard to deal with as a BS. But, losing trust is a really big problem. The WS just doesn’t know how damaging the trickle truth and lies are. 

I wish I could go back and say this....."if you can just tell me everything now I can process it now. You know I love you and I want to work through this, no matter how bad it is. If you lie or omit details, and I find out later down the road, I will never be able to trust you ever again.”

I also believe that lies and trickle truth unfairly compounds the pain that a BS feels. 

Forsaken, I know you have been tossed back to D-Day feelings. And this is very unfortunate because more than likely your wife was just talking to the OM about insignificant things……wrapping up and ending her relationship. But to us that doesn’t matter because a lie was told and we immediately assume worst case scenario. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

everyone has their breaking point and you have reached yours

I am sorry it got to that point for you, I am lucky I never got there but I came close enough to the edge to see it isn't pretty

nonetheless, you are reaching an conclusion and that means you can eventually move forward again, and I wish you luck


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I almost walked out a few times. I'm glad that I did not. Not trying to change your mind.....just sharing my experience.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Forsaken, 

I feel for you, but your wife obviously does not understand boundaries in a marriage, having an intimate relationship with any other man is not acceptable, I think maybe she needs to figure out why these relationships are so important to her, and why making you her top priority is not.........
I would separate from her and figure out what you need and let her feel what her choices will get her in this life......you have been patient and she still has let you down.
This isn't up to you any longer...........make her prove to you what life could be like if she was a different woman, but tell her the one she is isn't going to make the marriage a good one and one that you can't devote yourself to.
Get tough with her, start to drive the bus yourself, if she doesn't get on she shouldn't be with you ........If she does she will need to change and show herself to be the wife that loves her husband and that she wants the life with you.........
She had her chance, now she will have to prove it to you that this is truly what she wants........
good luck
stand up for yourself................


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I have tried to R for the past 10 months only to find out that it was all a false R, she claimed she was telling me the truth about everything and I caught her in lies time and time again. If I stay with her it will only show that I am a doormat and that I do not have the ability to stand up for myself and say no more.

I have given her so many chances, we tried MC and IC, we tried seperating and she still refused to tell me the truth. There is no more trust. I gave it my all and she threw it away.

There has to be a point when you say enough is enough, I have hit that point. I am done being lied to and being decieved. She does not respect or appreciate me and everything I have done for her.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Forsaken said:


> I have tried to R for the past 10 months only to find out that it was all a false R, she claimed she was telling me the truth about everything and I caught her in lies time and time again. If I stay with her it will only show that I am a doormat and that I do not have the ability to stand up for myself and say no more.
> 
> I have given her so many chances, we tried MC and IC, we tried seperating and she still refused to tell me the truth. There is no more trust. I gave it my all and she threw it away.
> 
> There has to be a point when you say enough is enough, I have hit that point. I am done being lied to and being decieved. She does not respect or appreciate me and everything I have done for her.


Sorry to hear this. I have been in R for 11 mos now and if I found out it was all a lie I would feel the same as you do.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You've done all you could, F-time to turn the page.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thanks for all the input everyone. I'm just really bother by the fact that my W was calling the OMen(plural) from her work phone and her mothers house phone whilst looking me in the eyes and lying to me and pretending to be fixing our M and working towards R.

I'm frustrated, I'm tapped out... I cannot deal with this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

F-
You've been here a while and you know the score, she crossed the boundries and knew the out come if she did, so move on and stay strong.
Im sure you've read enough on TAM about the addiction,fog, and fake R. As suprising as it is for you, we here on this forum have seen it time and time again. You know what to do and it totaly suck to have a "death" in your marriage. But that is what it is and its time to finish this, its OK to morn, move on and go find someone that will appretiate your love for them.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back up that matters.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about this development. You are right to make sure to look out for yourself now first and foremost.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Forsaken,

So sorry to hear, but I think you are doing the right thing. You have done everything in your power and given her chances. You deserve someone who respects you in every aspect of your relationship. 

Lily


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Forsaken, 

Read my post on d-day #2. I am only 12 weeks out of my husbands infidelity. Just last week we were in a 24/7 martial lock down for 4 days. There was nothing worth hiding during the agony we both went through. Guess what, he lied then and since. For the past 3 months I have been asking, Is there any contact? And overtime I received a no ! 

Please read my post, as a lot of people gave me excellent advise to follow.


~sammy


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Forsaken---file the paperwork for your D.

Up to now, everything has been words, and she has just lied to you, and continued on with her cheating---no consequences, why should she stop

Filing the D., will force her to face the reality, that you are now deadly serious, and refuse to tolerate her BS

If she does come around during the D. process, you can always terminate the D. proceedings---for now, you need to file, so she sees this is serious, and no longer a game.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thanks for all the help and support, you all have helped and supported me through a lot, I really wish I had found this website back in October when D-Day happened, though I am glad that I'm at least here during D-Day (I don't know what number I'm on now).


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I don't see how I could ever trust my W again. I can't even trust her to go to her moms by herself let alone to work because I will always have a fear in the back of my mind that she is using a land line there to call other people. My gut was right, at the time I had a feeling that it went underground and I was just being lied to, but I wanted so bad to believe that the nightmare is over. I should have followed my gut instinct at the time and look more into things.

There were so many times that I had gone to her work unannounced and I would sit outside and finish my cigarette before I went in and I could see her on the phone through the front window and I always wondered if it was really a customer she was talking to on the phone, and now I know I may have been watching her talk to the OM.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Can anyone provide me with the list of the do's and don't that shows a remorseful spouse? I know I saw one on here at some point in time. Any list of do's or don'ts that a WS should see would actually be good. Thanks in advance.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well the very first would be to stop lying to you and giving you trickle truth, but you already know that hence your decision to D. Beyond that (in no particular order): transparency, ownership of the affair(s), no blame shifting, no gas lighting, willingly and truthfully answering all of the BS questions (regardless of how many times they have answered them before), no contact with OM/OW, full understanding and support of the BS struggle to come to terms with the A, and just to emphasize it - the whole truth and nothing but each and every time. I'm sure there are more, but those seem to be the biggies to me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Courtesy of Lordmayhem...



lordmayhem said:


>


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thanks Sigma/LordM

Any other input is welcome.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Just checking and and wanted to say that I hope you are doing as well as can be possible, Forsaken. 

Do you have any chance of getting away for a couple of days to get away from the situation and clear your head?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Is your wife wingsoflove? I'm so sorry about what's happened but it looks like you've reached the end of the line and there's just no more rope to hold on to. At this point even if you tried to R again out of the old love you used to have, I doubt you have anything left to even give it another chance.

Hopefully she learns a very valuable lesson out of this that she can use to help her. And it looks like you've learned alot about yourself and your true worth in this process also.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I could be wrong but I believe that your wife started a thread on this forum.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Forsaken, I've followed along with your story for a while. Sorry to hear she was still cheating on you. I find it very admirable that you have the strength to move on with your life after she continued to betray you. Good luck going forward.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Sorry, I haven't logged into TAM for a while, I've been busy.

Yes my wife is Wingsoflove. I'm glad she finally started to use this website it only took about 6 months for her to get on here, but oh well. I showed her this website back when I found it because I wanted her to seek help from here as well.

Im as good as I can be. I'm trying to stay busy because when I stop all I can think about is everything that has gone on and it drops me down a few more pegs and makes me sick to my stomach.

@soccer, This last weekend I went out camping with my friends, It was nice cuz it took my mind off of everything for the most part but I was only there for 2 days. My birthday was over this last weekend as well and that pretty much just sucked because all I could think about was how my W threw a BBQ / suprise birthday deal for me last year and the OM were there. Yay triggers... I'm probably going to hate my birthday even more for the rest of my life.

@cheatinghubby, I hope she has learned a very valuable lesson as well. I hope she never does this to anyone else ever again, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone... expect maybe my "friends" that turned out to be the OM, they deserve nothing but the absolute worst, especially after I tried to help them out and they took it for granted and spit in my face.

You guys probably won't hear much from me for a while. Thanks again for everything!


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Take care of yourself Forsaken!


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

keep us posted on how you're doing. Good luck.


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