# He gave me WHAT for my b'day



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

My b'day was almost 2 weeks ago. Husband asked what I wanted for my b'day. I specifically told him Jason Aldeans cd. Not alot of money, something easy to buy.

He hands me a store bag with my gift inside. It is a hairbrush? :scratchhead: At first I think it is a gag gift, we'll have a laugh then he'll break out my real gift, and he will say "got cha." I laugh and say, "ok now give me my real gift, you know my JA cd." This goes on, then I realize he's for real, the brush is my gift. I laughed, because if I didn't I would have cried.

I sat there. My feelings were hurt. What is the proper response? So I say nothing. If I would have talked, my voice would have quivered. You know the quiver when a woman is trying to hold back tears.

My husband gets angry. Yeah angry. I didn't thank him for the gift :scratchhead: I look at him, hurt. He accuses me of being childish, and pouting. He tells me it's not about the gift, it's the thought that counts. When he gives me a gift I should appreciate it, and say thank you.

I could not bring myself to thank him for the brush. As he left the room I sat there wondering, is this guy for real. 

Since that day his words "it's the thought" has been rolling around in my mind.
Does he love me that little to think of buying me a hairbrush for my b'day? 
Is his value of me that low?
After 17 years am I not worth more to him?

To make matters worse the next day I get on FB. His brothers gf post that he (BIL) surprised her by leaving flowers in her car after work. At home he made her dinner, and gave her a foot massage. Gezzzz and I got a hairbrush. 

So am I being childish?
Reading more into this than what it is?
Was there a better way to have handled this?

I'm so


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I sooo feel your pain on this.

I have been given a vacuum for xmas (from an ex), a funnel and oil for my car (from an ex), and nail polish remover WITH cotton balls (from an ex). hahaha...oh man.

I know how you feel and the sadness, pouting, childish behavior. You know you are doing it. I've done it!

However, looking back on this past Mother's Day (hubby bought some cheap flowers and that was it), I acted the same way and now I wish I would have reveled in that day instead of throwing a fit.

Find something good about the hairbrush...is it a good one? Maybe your husband likes your hair?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> Don't feel alone and don't feel bad about being hurt.
> 
> i once got H a personally engraved silver swiss army knife from Tiffany along with the usual supply of boxer briefs,socks,shirts,a new motorcycle jacket that I agonized over getting special ordered,customized,etc...
> 
> ...


From ex, I got maternity clothes. Would have been thoughtful but they were from plus size store rather than maternity. Doesn't really work for pants and they were awful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Yikes. I've gotten so bad ones from an ex who liked to give gifts, but always gave terrible ones. UGLY flower arrangements that you would give to your Aunt Gertrude for Easter, an enormous white stuffed dog that said "hahahahah I LOVE YOU" in a really creepy voice if you squeezed it, I've blocked out most of them. 

I always tried to fake gratitude. But it does suck. I'm like you WhiteRabbit... I try to go way out of my way choosing a gift, and I get REALLY into wrapping and making roses out of ribbon and all that stuff. And I agonize over the card - which card, what to write. I've been known to give an SO gifts with two cards because I couldn't decide. When you go to all that trouble, it hurts to realize that the most they could bring themselves to do was to grab something at the nearest store and give it you in the bag it came in.

My H and I have sort of stopped gifts for now for financial reasons, I'm not working and we just agreed not to exchange them. But he did recently give me something that was pretty awful... what was it... oh I know: it was a fuschia mosquito-repelling candle. It had an enormous black mosquito drawn on it. I just looked at him. I didn't know what to do. He was so offended that I didn't thank him profusely LOL. Thank goodness it was one of those random gifts and not for a birthday or holiday.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"I try to go way out of my way choosing a gift, and I get REALLY into wrapping and making roses out of ribbon and all that stuff. And I agonize over the card - which card, what to write. I've been known to give an SO gifts with two cards because I couldn't decide. When you go to all that trouble, it hurts to realize that the most they could bring themselves to do was to grab something at the nearest store and give it you in the bag it came in."


This is me <3

This is NOT my husband.

I have learned to accept that. Now I send a list of "ideas" and he picks one


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

yup...i'm feeling all of you on this issue. 

i started reserving all meaningful gifts,cards,wrapping,etc...for my mom. she's the only one who appreciates it and puts just as much thought into the gifts she gives. 

amazing how we can give each other perfectly heartfelt and meaningful gifts that make each other feel loved without spending a ton of money...
yet H could spend a ton and think it's a great gift I should be totally pleased with even though it took him 5 seconds to pick out or click "add to cart" online.

*sigh* some people just don't get the concept of meaningful gifts...they shall forever receive gift cards or cash from me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh gag gifts, is that what they are called? I was a bit cruel in this manner in the past as I tend to give gag gifts or pretend I forgot just to make her go issed: ... before I surprise her and she goes  ... then we go :rofl: ... and   ... and *smoochie smoochie*

But she's kinda used to those pranks by now unfortunately, she knows I just like to take the piss outta her from time to time. So nowadays it's harder to surprise her. Still, I never give up, so instead of asking her, I keep an eye out for hidden details and hidden cravings, even if she tells me she wants this or that, I still get her something extra to get her heart all funny, and makes her all jiddy.

Even if we're closer to each other then our friends I still acknowledge the importance of listening to her friends for ideas -> it helps with the surprise because otherwise it's like "yeah whatever, I told you what I wanted anyway" She repaid the favor in time too, got me a nice bow, always wanted one. Funny though, because it's our money - and it cost a fair bit too heh.

Anyways gift-giving is an art, and it takes a lot of time to perfect it. Your husband could have tried to do what I do; being creative and hoping to surprise you, but failed, and he's annoyed that you can't see that he could have actually been thinking about you for a long time and thought to himself that you might appreciate that gift. I would be pissed off and hurt and disappointed too if I failed to please my wife in this manner -> and she chucks a tantrum, even if I understand it.

Your husband is right, it's the thought that counts. The more you start appreciating the little things, even bad gifts, the more confident and empathic he may end up being in future gift-giving endeavors.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mother is the WORST to buy for. If you buy her a nice gift and it's not what she wanted, she pouts. If I write something nice in a card, she says, "It's the same thing you wrote last time, learn some new material."

Screw her. LOL! She gets shet now. Nada.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

FWIW.... I haven't even gotten a card from my wife in at least 5 years, never mind a gift from the heart.

Ice in the veins.

Worst part, is that it FORCES ME to do the same.

Now, if the subject comes up, it's laughed off as " haha, we stopped exchanging years ago".

Believe me, it bothers me.


I haven't gotten a Christmas, Father's day, or birthday anything in years.

According to her, that's only for people that are still in the honeymoon stages of their relationship.

Monday is my birthday.
This is the first year that we're working on our marriage. Prior years were considered normal years. This year was a bad one, and we came very close to splitting up.
If there ever was a time to put her best foot forward, it's this Monday.
I guess i'll find out what she's feeling soon enough.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> yet H could spend a ton and think it's a great gift I should be totally pleased with even though it took him 5 seconds to pick out or click "add to cart" online.
> 
> *sigh* some people just don't get the concept of meaningful gifts...they shall forever receive gift cards or cash from me.


When we were dating, I bought my wife a pizza stone for Christmas (not the only gift - she also got jewelry and a sweater she had wanted). She had seen one, thought it was great, but did not want to waste the money. We were both young and money was tight, so I bought it for her, thinking it was a great gift that she wanted and would not get for herself. 

She and her sisters were horrified that I would buy her a gift for the kitchen. It took many years before I bought her something that was not on her list, and even now, she will never get anything from me for the kitchen.

Perhaps this is a long winded way of saying there is a difference between not putting thought or effort into a gift, and buying a bad gift.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> She and her sisters were horrified that I would buy her a gift for the kitchen.


My mom is the same way - my dad bought her a $400 stand mixer for Mothers Day, it was something she really wanted, but she was disappointed. I on the other hand LOVE kitchen gifts!! My H doesn't give them to me because he's intimidated by the fact that I'm really, really into cooking, he has no idea what any of the stuff is actually for, he doesn't know what I have or want, and he's seen be very critical of certain kitchen items in stores. But if someone would buy me just the RIGHT kitchen thing I would love it! 

This thread is making me want to get my H a nice gift for no reason. Unfortunately, I don't really work right now so it would be me spending his money and it's not the best time for that. I think I'll settle for a sexy homemade card


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> ugh this makes my heart hurt


 Yours?
Mine doesn't exactly feel all warm and fuzzy.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

First thought . . . with all the other postings on TAM, perhaps a little thanks that he's not giving the OW the hairbrush for YOUR birthday. Or txting her while you blow out the candles with the kids in the other room. Don't mean to sound so cynical - but some people have some horrible situations they're dealing with.

Second thought - if you told him you wanted a CD, it seems odd that he couldn't just go and get it. That's why God created amazon.com so lazy husbands can order a gift without leaving their lazy-boys. Poor showing on his part. Tell him so.

Third thought . . .As for me and my wife - we stopped trying to buy gifts for those special days (Bday, anniversary etc.). But if I see something that she might like, or she does the same thing for me, we get it for the other person (could be a CD, gift card to a coffee place, special food, flowers for no reason, whatever. And it's never an extravagent (sp?) thing, but a 'just thinking of you moment.' These gifts are truly something that touches the other person. Of course, if only one side of the relationship does this, it won't be very fun for long.

That all said . . . we still haven't gone out for our anniversary from three weeks ago since we can't seem to make a reservation and stay civil to each other long enough before getting to the restaurant to enjoy it. But, this too is getting better.

Happy Belated B'day!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

It's the thought that counts... What exactly was he thinking? That you'd like to brush your hair? Sheesh!

My H buys me things that aren't exactly romantic. My favorite gift was an air purifier. My allergies were progressing and he noticed how miserable I was. There was real thought behind that gift so it meant a lot. There has to be a thought for "the thought" to count.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

OMG.....

my mom is the WORST gift giver!!!!

we can be out, and i say....oh i like that phone, i should switch phones. even if i point out a few different ones..you know i want a phone, and its december....

she will get me a calender & a shirt that she likes...that isnt a phone is it, its not even close...!!!!

she dosent understand, that when you get a gift for someone else its what they want....

she likes sending clothes to us..fine, kids whatever, but husband is very....choosy about his clothes, and my mom picks things she likes, and her "wish list", "if i was a boy" thats what i would wear....

i have to be on the phone with her and we end up screaming at each other about clothes..."why dosent want pleats in his pants, oohh i found some with 4 pleats...4 is better right..????"

oh then she calls me and says, i found something for you...tis socks..in all colors...dont you want them, i do....then buy them for yourself, i dont wear color socks...

then shes mad....arrgh...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> FWIW.... I haven't even gotten a card from my wife in at least 5 years, never mind a gift from the heart.
> 
> Ice in the veins.
> 
> ...


Okay this is terrible. Makes me want to go buy you a birthday present. This is so sad.

=============================

Now to the guy who got the hairbrush. He's just an ass. A hairbrush? Really? I mean my husband is the worst gift giver (and I say this with love in my heart) but even he can do better than that.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

If he knew that you wanted the cd for your birthday and then deliberately bought you something else, there was PLENTY of thought put in to it and not in a positive way.
I would be very hurt as well. What else is going on in your relationship?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> If he knew that you wanted the cd for your birthday and then deliberately bought you something else, there was PLENTY of thought put in to it and not in a positive way.


Exactly.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> If he knew that you wanted the cd for your birthday and then deliberately bought you something else, there was PLENTY of thought put in to it and not in a positive way.
> I would be very hurt as well. What else is going on in your relationship?


I was wondering when someone would say this.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

jayde said:


> First thought . . . with all the other postings on TAM, perhaps a little thanks that he's not giving the OW the hairbrush for YOUR birthday. Or txting her while you blow out the candles with the kids in the other room. Don't mean to sound so cynical - but some people have some horrible situations they're dealing with.
> !


Yes you are so right. We do have serious issues in our marriage. I haven't posted to many of our issues here. Husband giving me the brush was like dirt in my face. This was his way of letting me know how much he values me.

He knew I would react with anger, which I didn't do. Or hurt feelings. Therefore he would then go into his tirade. I'm childish, I'm not happy with anything, I'm never satisfied, yada yada yada. Then he can feel all smug.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> If he knew that you wanted the cd for your birthday and then deliberately bought you something else, there was PLENTY of thought put in to it and not in a positive way.
> I would be very hurt as well. What else is going on in your relationship?


I know what it is, but he won't admit to it. If he admits to it he will feel like total scum, so he lies to himself. He has to appear he has it all together, but I know better.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

4sure said:


> Yes you are so right. We do have serious issues in our marriage. I haven't posted to many of our issues here. Husband giving me the brush was like dirt in my face. This was his way of letting me know how much he values me.
> 
> He knew I would react with anger, which I didn't do. Or hurt feelings. Therefore he would then go into his tirade. I'm childish, I'm not happy with anything, I'm never satisfied, yada yada yada. Then he can feel all smug.


He gave you a birthday gift that he knew would be a slap in the face for the soul purpose of belittling you? 
Wow, what is going on?


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I get nothing for my birthday, Christmas or mothers day...but i think I would take the 'nothing' over a darn hairbrush. I'm with Therealbrighteyes here...this was a deliberate 'bad' gift. What a turd!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He gave you a birthday gift that he knew would be a slap in the face for the soul purpose of belittling you?
> Wow, what is going on?


I'll start another thread


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

4sure said:


> Husband giving me the brush was like dirt in my face. This was his way of letting me know how much he values me.
> 
> He knew I would react with anger, which I didn't do. Or hurt feelings. Therefore he would then go into his tirade. I'm childish, I'm not happy with anything, I'm never satisfied, yada yada yada. Then he can feel all smug.


For those of you who know more about this, is this a classic *Fitness Test*??? But from what I read, it's normally (can I say that) the woman Fitness Testing the guy.

4Sure - it sounds like you handled this well given the circumstances. You didn't play into his crappy head-game.

The question is, what do you do from here??? MC? (if he's playing games like this, I couldn't imagine him agreeing to counseling - hopefully I'm wrong). This sounds like just the nasty tip of the iceberg.

Sounds like a nose-hair clipper is in the cards for a future b-day present for him!

I apologize if I came across as being flippant in an earlier post. Sometimes a hairbrush is a hairbrush - other times much more.

I trust someone here will have more/better concrete advice that I do. We're on your side!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

jayde said:


> Sounds like a nose-hair clipper is in the cards for a future b-day present for him!


:rofl:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> I think you are right, but there is also a chance that he stopped by whatever place was on the way home from work, and since it didn't have this CD, he picked up something shiny. Still sends the same message, though.
> 
> My wife and I are completely different when it comes to gifts. She likes gifts that have a personal slant to them. Handwritten notes, or homemade gifts. I'll take an Amazon gift card in a heartbeat, as long as it is placed beside a dish of something she cooks. Oops! Maybe we are the same afterall.


I disagree. It's a birthday. Comes around once a year and the date doesn't change. It isn't alot of effort to buy a cd. Don't want to drive? Plan ahead and buy on Amazon. Picking up something because it is convenient is the same as if he were to tell her "you don't matter enough for me to go out of my way for you or to plan accordingly". 
Kinda suprised by your response.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Kinda suprised by your response.


Agree. Something shiny is jewelry not a hairbrush.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Agree. Something shiny is jewelry not a hairbrush.


Something shiny would be a pair of earrings or whatnot. How do you end up in the hairbrush section, anyway? It's next to the shampoo, tampons, and toothpaste. Not exactly where you look for birthday gifts, but I don't claim to know how men's minds work...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MGirl said:


> Something shiny would be a pair of earrings or whatnot. How do you end up in the hairbrush section, anyway? It's next to the shampoo, tampons, and toothpaste. Not exactly where you look for birthday gifts, but I don't claim to know how men's minds work...


Clearly the solution would have been a gold plated tampon. Shiny AND useful, just like the trusty hairbrush. 

Pffft, shiny is jewelry Halien! Or oiled up Fabio. Or a dolphin. I'd take all three.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Clearly the solution would have been a gold plated tampon. Shiny AND useful, just like the trusty hairbrush.


Or maybe a diva cup?

At least it would be creative


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

4sure said:


> Yes you are so right. We do have serious issues in our marriage. I haven't posted to many of our issues here. Husband giving me the brush was like dirt in my face. This was his way of letting me know how much he values me.
> 
> He knew I would react with anger, which I didn't do. Or hurt feelings. Therefore he would then go into his tirade. I'm childish, I'm not happy with anything, I'm never satisfied, yada yada yada. Then he can feel all smug.


Sounds like passive aggression, you may want to research it. I’m not saying it is PA but I think it’s pretty evil stuff. If you are feeling deeply hurt, very bemused and confused, a bit “out of your head” then those are signs/symptoms of passive aggression. PA is actually “revenge”. It generally comes from a person who was hurt in the past and hasn’t got over it and do things to “get their own back”, but they are not man/woman enough to be up front about it, to directly confront whatever issues they have. PA is an exceedingly cowardly way of going about life’s problems.

Well done for not reacting with anger.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

My husband and I usually only exchange gifts where people can see....so...Christmas. We just decide what we'll get each other and do it. "Do you want a Kindle?" "Sure, that'd be cool." "Great, my camera's about dead, I like this one. It'd be a great gift."

We stopped with the Valentine's and anniversary's a few years ago. Although he will occasionally stop and pick up a candy bar at Walgreen's or something to cover his butt, lol. We don't ever do a date night or cards or anything...but he'll get a $2 giant candy bar, just in case 

It hit an all time low this year with the birthday though. Usually we'll just do dinner, or maybe a concert too. This year, as he was leaving for work he said "oh yeah, today's your birthday, huh? Happy birthday." We had dinner with some friends from work and one of the other couples picked up the tab since we were celebrating my birthday and the birthday of the guy in the third couple. My husband made a grab for his wallet, got brushed off, later on he said that "well, he'd tried to buy me dinner for my birthday." And never mentioned anything about it again. No card, nothing. Not even one of those Walgreens candy bars, lol.

And now he doesn't understand why I'm not really up for spending hundreds of dollars to go spend his birthday in Vegas.... :scratchhead:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Something shiny would be a pair of earrings or whatnot. How do you end up in the hairbrush section, anyway? It's next to the shampoo, tampons, and toothpaste. Not exactly where you look for birthday gifts, but I don't claim to know how men's minds work...


Okay ya'll are really cracking me up. 

"Gold plated tampon".....:rofl:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

FWIW, gift giving is NOT my language of love, I am horrible at it. I am always afraid of giving a bad gift, or more so the reaction like yours of getting a bad gift. So I would literally spend hours upon hours upon more hours trying to think of something great. When I inevitably can't think of anything I start pounding the pavement and window shop for hours upon hours upon more hours until the malls close... I would sometimes do this a few days in the weeks and days leading up to a birthday or special occasion, right up until the last moment and then the stores close and I come up empty handed. During that time I "sacrificed" looking for a gift I could have been doing something more worthwhile, and I was always so ashamed to fail so bad, and the look of resignation and disappointment on her face everytime hurt me too (and of course I was never going to brag about how much effort went into my futile attempts). I just couldn't function in this way, and I think she would have been elated to have gotten SOMETHING tangible, even a brush. This is a very sore point with my W and I don't blame her, I just didn't ever know how to overcome this dysfunction.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> I don't grok. I offered that this might be what was going on in his mind. Some guys literally pick up anything they pass while walking through the store. "Shiny' is a slang term for looking cool. I'm not saying that I agree with it, but a guy might think that a fancy hairbrush would make a good present. Suggesting that he's doing it as a passive agressive behavior is probably less likely than it just being a lazy choice.
> 
> I was also saying that I don't want my wife to have to put much thought into my gift. I prefer a home cooked meal. Just stick a Amazon card by it and I'm happy as a pig.
> 
> My gifts to her, however, are the result of hours of planning. My SIL tells me that my first B-Day card poem to my wife was published in a NE journal of poetry.


Grok? Not sure what that means.
Yes, plenty of guys just pick something up as an after thought. In the OP's case, it is clear that he wanted to hurt her. She touched on other major problems.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon my husband is a terrible gift giver but I don't berate him for that. I simply give him a list of things I want and he can decide which one to buy. Problem solved.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien said:


> C'mon. No reason for sarcasm. I misspelled it - Shiney - sorry. I didn't buy the hairbrush.
> 
> Been nice!


No sarcasm here. I'm having a fabulous day and just thought it was funny. Laughing WITH you not at you.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> C'mon. No reason for sarcasm. I misspelled it - Shiney - sorry. I didn't buy the hairbrush.
> 
> Been nice!


You know I was trying to be funny and not sarcastic. I thought it was funny when you said a hair brush was shiney. Clearly I do not own the cool ones!  I was also scratching my head at the thought process of buying a hair brush for a gift. In OP's case, it sure sounds like it was to hurt her but I think many other men would think, "cool, she has hair...she needs to brush it....viola". Problem solvers that men are. I had a friend who got a gift certificate for a brazillian bikini wax from her husband for her 35 birthday. His thought process? She was always complaining about shaving. Her thought process? WTF is this!!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Thanks everyone for making me laugh. This has turned out to be humorous.

I told H exactly what I wanted so he wouldn't be running around wasting his time. And we both would be happy. I didn't think he would get me anything. He asks so I thought ok since he ask.

He had a hidden motive. I had a brush, he took it, when I took it back he wanted that brush. He bought me a brush for a gift so he could get the old brush back.

It's not the object, it's the message that he sent by using the object


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Lon my husband is a terrible gift giver but I don't berate him for that. I simply give him a list of things I want and he can decide which one to buy. Problem solved.


Lists only made it worse, because I wanted my gift to stand apart or be a surprise so everything on the list became one more item that I couldn't get for her:scratchhead:

I'm pretty twisted in my logic I know... but at least my stbxw usually didn't bother with lists, she always refused to acknowledge that gifts were her main love language, and didn't want to be materialistic at all - the past couple years we've asked everyone to not buy us gifts at christmas, birthdays etc and announced that we wouldn't either. I'm not sure if the giftless approach was in part a defense mechanism for my wife to cope with my utter failure as a gift giver... But I'm coming to believe that in fact gifts really are her love language in which case no wonder she has been so unhappy for so long.

In my next relationship when I receive a gift list I'm just going to go straight to the top of it.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Sounds like passive aggression, you may want to research it. I’m not saying it is PA but I think it’s pretty evil stuff. If you are feeling deeply hurt, very bemused and confused, a bit “out of your head” then those are signs/symptoms of passive aggression. PA is actually “revenge”. It generally comes from a person who was hurt in the past and hasn’t got over it and do things to “get their own back”, but they are not man/woman enough to be up front about it, to directly confront whatever issues they have. PA is an exceedingly cowardly way of going about life’s problems.
> 
> Well done for not reacting with anger.


Yep he is PA.

No need to apologize Jayde


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"He had a hidden motive. I had a brush, he took it, when I took it back he wanted that brush. He bought me a brush for a gift so he could get the old brush back."

OmFg. Ok. Yea. D0uche.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> FWIW.... I haven't even gotten a card from my wife in at least 5 years, never mind a gift from the heart.
> 
> Ice in the veins.
> 
> ...


Your wife should be married to my husband. No gifts for birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day, Anniversary in the last several years.  

OP, sorry to hear about the hairbrush. Especially the story behind it.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Oh and Happy Belated Birthday!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> No sarcasm here. I'm having a fabulous day and just thought it was funny. Laughing WITH you not at you.


No offense taken for the shiney allegory. Sorry if that was what was implied. I was referring to another poster's dissapointment with my reply, so I only want to avoid threads where they dissapoint. Love the ones that generate jokes, though. Sadly, my editor tells me that my articles in an automotive journal do that all the time.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I understand that some people aren't great at choosing gifts but this sounds completely random. A hairbrush? 

You know what, go get yourself the CD and a piece of cake and wish yourself a happy belated birthday.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

4sure said:


> My b'day was almost 2 weeks ago. Husband asked what I wanted for my b'day. I specifically told him Jason Aldeans cd. Not alot of money, something easy to buy.
> 
> He hands me a store bag with my gift inside. It is a hairbrush? :scratchhead: At first I think it is a gag gift, we'll have a laugh then he'll break out my real gift, and he will say "got cha." I laugh and say, "ok now give me my real gift, you know my JA cd." This goes on, then I realize he's for real, the brush is my gift. I laughed, because if I didn't I would have cried.
> 
> ...


You did tell him what you wanted, which as a guy, I would greatly appreciate, so i am puzzled as to why he didn't get what you wanted; it's not like you asked for a Ferrari. 

On the other hand, however, gift giving is just something us guys are on a different planet with. I got my x wife a vacuum cleaner as one of her Christmas gifts on our first Christmas(most of you are probably thinking, "That explains why you are divorced.":rofl

I actually did think she would like it. She informed me later that it wasn't the kind of gift she liked. I did care about her however; it was not a sign that I didn't care. Here was our situation: When we first married, we had very little money. We had an old broken down vacuum and would sometimes borrow a good vacuum to do a better job. I knew this was not a great pleasure for her, so I bought her an expensive vacuum. I promise my heart was in the right place. 

Us guys love getting things we can use. Nothing would make our heart beat faster than to rip open a new skill saw, cordless drill, or a ratchet set. 

I've even ended up paying for my own gift before. Sometimes I'd want a cd for my birthday, for example, that could only be found on-line. She would tell me to order it. I would, and she would forget to pay me for it. Did I care? Not really. 

I always got a laugh out of receiving weird gifts; I never thought of it as sad. I think it just boils down to the "love language" of gift receiving.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> Lists only made it worse, because I wanted my gift to stand apart or be a surprise so everything on the list became one more item that I couldn't get for her:scratchhead:
> 
> I'm pretty twisted in my logic I know... but at least my stbxw usually didn't bother with lists, she always refused to acknowledge that gifts were her main love language


I think this is more complicated than you weren't meeting her love language. My husband's love language is gifts (and no he won't admit it either). My best friends love language is also gifts. 

Here is what I know about people whose love language is gifts. They love ANYTHING. Truly they do. I could give my best friend a note pad that I got a dollar tree with a note that said I was "thinking of her" and that would totally make her day. My husband is tickled when I come home from the store with his favorite treat. Total cost $1. 

Gift people are pretty cheesy.

Your stbxw had some other problem.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I think this is more complicated than you weren't meeting her love language. My husband's love language is gifts (and no he won't admit it either). My best friends love language is also gifts.
> 
> Here is what I know about people whose love language is gifts. They love ANYTHING. Truly they do. I could give my best friend a note pad that I got a dollar tree with a note that said I was "thinking of her" and that would totally make her day. My husband is tickled when I come home from the store with his favorite treat. Total cost $1.
> 
> ...


Hmm. I didn't realize that. So, if a person's love language is gifts, they are probably less concerned about what the gift is than someone who's love language isn't gifts?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Here is what I know about people whose love language is gifts. They love ANYTHING. Truly they do. I could give my best friend a note pad that I got a dollar tree with a note that said I was "thinking of her" and that would totally make her day. My husband is tickled when I come home from the store with his favorite treat. Total cost $1.
> 
> Gift people are pretty cheesy.


Haha! H is a gift guy, too. Reminded me of last week. I was being a beotch and really moody all day, but felt really bad about it. Ran to the store to get some groceries and grabbed a pack of my husband's favorite gum. Gave it to him when I got home and told him I was so sorry I was being awful all day, that I really love him and I was out of line. 

He just grinned and said, "Well, if you give me gum, everything is forgiven." And then decided he wanted sex. For the first time in over a week. I should just keep packs of gum hidden away to give to him when I want to get laid.

To a gift person, the little things mean a lot. I'm always bringing him home starbucks or dried mangoes or something and it's like his birthday every time. To them, it really is the thought that counts.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

southbound said:


> You did tell him what you wanted, which as a guy, I would greatly appreciate, so i am puzzled as to why he didn't get what you wanted; it's not like you asked for a Ferrari.
> 
> On the other hand, however, gift giving is just something us guys are on a different planet with. I got my x wife a vacuum cleaner as one of her Christmas gifts on our first Christmas(most of you are probably thinking, "That explains why you are divorced.":rofl
> 
> ...


You need to read OP other post. This wasn't about a weird gift, he truly is a complete jerk. She nearly died of breast cancer and all he cares about is how he felt. Totally abandoned her during her fight for her life. He bought her a hair brush because he took her brush and liked it and when she took it back he wasn't happy. He bought the hair brush for his wife so that she would give him the other brush. She asked for a $15 gift after BEATING CANCER and he only thought of himself. Unreal.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I should just keep packs of gum hidden away to give to him when I want to get laid.


LOL!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You need to read OP other post. This wasn't about a weird gift, he truly is a complete jerk. She nearly died of breast cancer and all he cares about is how he felt. Totally abandoned her during her fight for her life. He bought her a hair brush because he took her brush and liked it and when she took it back he wasn't happy. He bought the hair brush for his wife so that she would give him the other brush. She asked for a $15 gift after BEATING CANCER and he only thought of himself. Unreal.


I thought he was awful before reading this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

southbound said:


> Hmm. I didn't realize that. So, if a person's love language is gifts, they are probably less concerned about what the gift is than someone who's love language isn't gifts?


Okay I don't know what you are saying. If a person's love langage is gifts it simply means they need "tangible" proof of that love. It's not about how much money you spent it simply shows you think of them while away. Gifts is at the bottom of my list so it took my best friend to really explain this concept to me. I'd think "notebook" really? She would get happy if her husband brought her home a Dr. Pepper. Seriously.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Haha! H is a gift guy, too. Reminded me of last week. I was being a beotch and really moody all day, but felt really bad about it. Ran to the store to get some groceries and grabbed a pack of my husband's favorite gum. Gave it to him when I got home and told him I was so sorry I was being awful all day, that I really love him and I was out of line.
> 
> He just grinned and said, "Well, if you give me gum, everything is forgiven." And then decided he wanted sex. For the first time in over a week. I should just keep packs of gum hidden away to give to him when I want to get laid.
> 
> To a gift person, the little things mean a lot. I'm always bringing him home starbucks or dried mangoes or something and it's like his birthday every time. To them, it really is the thought that counts.


I should have known. I knew we married the same darn guy. This is too funny. But you are correct it's the thought that counts not the actual item. Although I'm pretty sure if I showed up with a hairbrush I'm not getting laid. lol

Today my husband was happy because his tea was made by the time he got home. He's so easy to please.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You need to read OP other post. This wasn't about a weird gift, he truly is a complete jerk. She nearly died of breast cancer and all he cares about is how he felt. Totally abandoned her during her fight for her life. He bought her a hair brush because he took her brush and liked it and when she took it back he wasn't happy. He bought the hair brush for his wife so that she would give him the other brush. She asked for a $15 gift after BEATING CANCER and he only thought of himself. Unreal.


Oh, I see. Yes, after reading the other posts, that does make him a complete jerk.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> You know what, go get yourself the CD and a piece of cake and wish yourself a happy belated birthday.


I have decided to do just this for all gift giving occasions. Buy myself something, wrap it pretty, unwrap it, and then act totally surprised at what it is:smthumbup: I've also decided to order myself flowers and have them delivered with a note saying, "because I care."

Getting my cd tomorrow from Wal-mart


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

4sure said:


> I have decided to do just this for all gift giving occasions. Buy myself something, wrap it pretty, unwrap it, and then act totally surprised at what it is:smthumbup: I've also decided to order myself flowers and have them delivered with a note saying, "because I care."
> 
> Getting my cd tomorrow from Wal-mart


:smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I think this is more complicated than you weren't meeting her love language. My husband's love language is gifts (and no he won't admit it either). My best friends love language is also gifts.
> 
> Here is what I know about people whose love language is gifts. They love ANYTHING. Truly they do. I could give my best friend a note pad that I got a dollar tree with a note that said I was "thinking of her" and that would totally make her day. My husband is tickled when I come home from the store with his favorite treat. Total cost $1.
> 
> ...


No I'm pretty sure I have to own up to this one... I already knew she would love pretty much anything, I just never actually did, it wasn't cause she reacted poorly to getting gifts, its not because she didn't appreciate what I gave her, I just could never deliver. It wasn't because I didn't want to, nor did I not put mental effort into it, it was one of those things I somehow blocked myself from being able to do, it was gift giving inefficacy on my part. I honestly think it is because of me and my really low self esteem, the same issue that makes me procrastinate and not finish all kinds of things I know I can easily finish. I don't think I was withholding anything to punish her, I think I was punishing myself, as messed up as that sounds. Now that being said, I don't think I would ever tried to pass off a crappy gift like a hairbrush because I know that is just insensitive.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> No I'm pretty sure I have to own up to this one... I already knew she would love pretty much anything, I just never actually did, it wasn't cause she reacted poorly to getting gifts, its not because she didn't appreciate what I gave her, I just could never deliver. It wasn't because I didn't want to, nor did I not put mental effort into it, it was one of those things I somehow blocked myself from being able to do, it was gift giving inefficacy on my part. I honestly think it is because of me and my really low self esteem, the same issue that makes me procrastinate and not finish all kinds of things I know I can easily finish. I don't think I was withholding anything to punish her, I think I was punishing myself, as messed up as that sounds. Now that being said, I don't think I would ever tried to pass off a crappy gift like a hairbrush because I know that is just insensitive.


Ah sorry. I feel for you though. I was married for 18 years before I figured out that my husband was a gift guy. I feel incredibly stupid for not knowing that before. Even now I have to make a conscious effort to meet this need because I don't really do gifts. I'm frugal and hate to shop. I'm also so independent that when he's away I don't always think of him. Talk about opposites attracting.

And even knowing what I know now doing those little gift things seem so darn cheesy and sometimes fake to me. But by gosh they work.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

OK, so TODAY is MY birthday!!

Happy Birthday to me!!

So wifey gets me a card for the first time in many years. I'll consider that a step in the right direction. It's one of those " I know we've been through tough times" cards, but she wrote " we'll pull through it".
I found that encouraging.

Now the gift..... A 99 cent lemon squeezer!! I don't even drink lemonade!! She said I could use it when I squeeze lemons on my salad!!

I gracefully accepted it, and thought about the lovely garlic press she's getting for her birthday next month.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Undertheradar said:


> OK, so TODAY is MY birthday!!
> 
> Happy Birthday to me!!
> 
> ...


LMAO!!! :lol:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> I gracefully accepted it, and thought about the lovely garlic press she's getting for her birthday next month.


:rofl:

Oh and happy birthday!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> OK, so TODAY is MY birthday!!
> 
> Happy Birthday to me!!
> 
> ...


1st: :birthday:
2nd: Maybe with the lemon squeezer she was trying to symbolically implement the motivational phrase "when life gives you lemons make lemonade"??

I realized in my marriage that I had become submissive big time, but for SOOOO long I was just waiting for her to once say "we'll pull through" or "everything will be good again". sigh. It would have meant a LOT to me to get a card like that (though not sure if it would really have been healthy unless she was willing to take the lead, and now I realize it was unfair for me as a man to put that on her)


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> OK, so TODAY is MY birthday!!
> 
> Happy Birthday to me!!
> 
> ...


Happy Birthday!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My wife said that she hates having to pick out gifts because she never can figure out what I want. I've never complained about anything that I get, though. She said that I could just pick up something, and she would get me a card and cake. As magnolia says, gift people like just about anything. Its just the mindreading thing going on. A couple of weeks ago, in advance, I ordered myself a whopping big Toshiba LCD television with a card from her. Added a bluray player, and a few bluray discs, and a high quality Onkyo receiver. I think this is the last time she will tell me that I am too hard to buy for.

You should've hear the call I got when the delivery guy unloaded the stuff.

Ask your husband if you can just buy your own instead. Its awesome!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> My wife said that she hates having to pick out gifts because she never can figure out what I want. I've never complained about anything that I get, though. She said that I could just pick up something, and she would get me a card and cake. As magnolia says, gift people like just about anything. Its just the mindreading thing going on. A couple of weeks ago, in advance, I ordered myself a whopping big Toshiba LCD television with a card from her. Added a bluray player, and a few bluray discs, and a high quality Onkyo receiver. I think this is the last time she will tell me that I am too hard to buy for.
> 
> You should've hear the call I got when the delivery guy unloaded the stuff.
> 
> Ask your husband if you can just buy your own instead. Its awesome!


I did the same. A new 5.1 speaker set with a 3D capable Denon AVR. :smthumbup: For her? I always go with jewelry now. Every time I've strayed from the shiny stuff it's been disappointing.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Undertheradar said:


> OK, so TODAY is MY birthday!!
> 
> Happy Birthday to me!!
> 
> ...


Wow, I was so hoping she would pony up for you this year! So uncool.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Wow, I was so hoping she would pony up for you this year! So uncool.


You know what's weird?..... It seems like she was actually excited about it.
SHe was ALL OVER ME all day yesterday. I must've gotten 10 happy birthday hugs and kisses. She cooked a nice dinner, we had family time with the kids. We laughed until 3 am,and had an overall great day.
Her birthday card had ILY all over it.

She truly went out of her way, to give me a special day.

But the lemon squeezer? I just think my wife likes me to see that she's crazy. It helps her get away with "things", and have an explanation.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Undertheradar said:


> You know what's weird?..... It seems like she was actually excited about it.
> SHe was ALL OVER ME all day yesterday. I must've gotten 10 happy birthday hugs and kisses. She cooked a nice dinner, we had family time with the kids. We laughed until 3 am,and had an overall great day.
> Her birthday card had ILY all over it.
> 
> ...


That is so odd. I could understand if you were a diehard foodie/chef and loved kitchen gadgets but something so random as a lemon squeezer and to top it all off you aren't a lemon squeezing kind of dude is just weird. 
:scratchhead:


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> That is so odd. I could understand if you were a diehard foodie/chef and loved kitchen gadgets but something so random as a lemon squeezer and to top it all off you aren't a lemon squeezing kind of dude is just weird.
> :scratchhead:


Maybe she gets me mixed up with her EA :scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> When we were dating, I bought my wife a pizza stone for Christmas (not the only gift - she also got jewelry and a sweater she had wanted). She had seen one, thought it was great, but did not want to waste the money. We were both young and money was tight, so I bought it for her, thinking it was a great gift that she wanted and would not get for herself.
> 
> She and her sisters were horrified that I would buy her a gift for the kitchen. It took many years before I bought her something that was not on her list, and even now, she will never get anything from me for the kitchen.
> 
> Perhaps this is a long winded way of saying there is a difference between not putting thought or effort into a gift, and buying a bad gift.


I personally LOVE to cook and love getting gifts for the kitchen...skip anything to do with cleaning though!! LOL


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

My husband used to be this way. I once,for Christmas,got a too small robe handed to me in a paper bag from the trunk of the car. I just looked at him hurt and walked way and threw it back in the trunk. You could tell he really felt bad. I've always put thought into his gifts and MAN is he ever hard to buy for. He loves CD's as he travels and listens to them in a car. If I buy him clothes,he never wears them. I rack my brain as to what to get him every year. I did score points last year when I got him a self-setting alarm clock that projects the time on to the ceiling. So,instead of having to look over at the clock or turn it toward him,he just looks up at the ceiling to see what time it is. He LOVED it.
He shocked me with a "symphonium". It plays music while ballroom dancers dance in a window. It's in a beautiful mahognany case and I was SO shocked. Never would I ever believe he would have thought of that and I love it. Another time he saw me staring at a beautiful picture of a woman in a gown at store I guess and when I opened it for Christmas,I cried. I had NO idea he had even saw me looking at that picture. So,he does try. But the diamond earrings cinched it.  Sometimes,he will not be able to think of what to get me and will say,"Go spend this amount of money getting something you really want". That's fun too.
But now we are poor. lol So our gifts are way scaled down. Three years ago,I bought him a beautiful sweater. On a cold day,he looked in his closet and said,"Where did I get this"? and he put it on. I said,"I gave it to you 3 years ago,dummy". lol
I think you have to make your feelings known. I always used to get kitchen appliances for my birthday and I HATE to cook. I said,"Thank you but would you please remember it's not the houses birthday. It's mine". He died laughing when I said that.
If he handed me a hairbrush,it would have gone in the trash. I sense a little passive/aggressive anger toward you. He knew better. He should be ashamed of himself. You need to get to the bottom of WHY he would think that was an apppropriate gift to give his wife for a birthday and tell him you are offended he didn't put more thought into it.


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