# Need Advice On What To Do



## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

My wife and I have been married 7 years. We have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. We've had our problems like most couples but the last year or two we have argued a lot. Lots of mean things said on both sides during arguments. The last year when we would argue my wife would leave and take the kids to her grandparents and stay. After 4 days or so when things were cooled off she would come back home. She recently left a week before Christmas and hasn't been home since. We hung out new years eve and her sister was around the entire time and I let her know it bothered me because I wanted the chance to have one on one time so we could try and connect and communicate about some issues. That turned into an argument so I left. I havent spoken with her on the phone since Jan 1. She has left me with all the bills but her car,phone,insurance. She has done bills the whole 7 years and now I'm stuck trying to get caught up with my one income. She has text me very little the past month. All I've gotten out of her was that she didn't want to divorce and wanted to eventually get back together but is taking this time to heal. Saying she wants things to go slow. Problem is she hasn't spoken with me or seen me in a month. Idk what do, I love my wife and I don't want to give up on the marriage, but it seems like she's not interested in even going slow. I could just really use some advice. It's been very hard on me emotionally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have not spoken to your wife in few weeks. Have you seen your children? 

If not, why?


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

I have tried to call but she refuses to answer. I've only got few text. I have to communicate with her grandma about boys because she won't. She won't let the boys come unless my mom picks them up takes them to house and brings them home. I don't if she's scared I'll run off with them or what. I've seen them but not much as I want to. My mom has to take care of other children so she can't go pick them up whenever I want.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattC1990 said:


> I have tried to call but she refuses to answer. I've only got few text. I have to communicate with her grandma about boys because she won't. She won't let the boys come unless my mom picks them up takes them to house and brings them home. I don't if she's scared I'll run off with them or what. I've seen them but not much as I want to. My mom has to take care of other children so she can't go pick them up whenever I want.


I think it’s time for you to get a lawyer and sort out visitation. You are letting her control everything and she has lost all respect for you. 
Stop paying any bills other than for your kids and yourself.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Does she have a legitimate reason to be scared of you?


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

No all we did was argue a good bit and I guess it just finally took it's toll


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

She says she doesn't want a divorce that she just wants to rebuild our relationship from the bottom up. Problem is she won't even text call or see me so I don't know how we can that.


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

We even both have to play at church together this Sunday but it's gonna be the silent treatment I'm sure.


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

I know it's only been a month of zero communication but it's getting harder to believe that she really wants to save this. She says she does but won't speak with or see me. I don't want to call it quits and move on because I truly love her and I believe in the vowels I took. She says she wants this to work but needs her time and space. I just don't see how we can get anywhere if all she is doing is avoiding me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattC1990 said:


> I know it's only been a month of zero communication but it's getting harder to believe that she really wants to save this. She says she does but won't speak with or see me. I don't want to call it quits and move on because I truly love her and I believe in the vowels I took. She says she wants this to work but needs her time and space. I just don't see how we can get anywhere if all she is doing is avoiding me.


If everything you are saying is true then it sounds like she has a new man and wants to see how things work out with him. Don’t be plan B,lawyer up immediately and take back control of your life. 
Are her grandparents covering up for her?


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

No I'm 100% sure she isn't seeing anyone. I'm not just saying that either. And no her grandparents talk to me everyday. Good people


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

She's really been big into church lately and says right now her focus is on God


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would shut off her phone, and credit cards...she she does not the the decency to keep the lines of communication then might as well cut down on the bills...trust me this will get her communicating....right now she is just stringing you along.


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

She's paying her own phone bill, car,insurance and gas etc. I'm stuck with house and all the other bills like that we accumulated as a married couple. I just didnt sign up for all those things with the assumption i would be stuck paying them alone.


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

I feel like I've literally done all I can on my end. It's now just a matter of if I can withstand the wait. I don't feel like it's over but I feel like it may take quite a while before things change.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I know you are saying there's no one else but much like we can't guarantee that she is or isn't you can't either unfortunately. The reason this was even brought up is that this situation (not the kids) but her leaving like that and her buying time by saying she eventually wants to work things out (deflection to keep you at bay and not seeing action) along with no contact on her end seems there's a good chance there's someone else. Doesn't matter if she's going to church, most people that cheat justify their actions as being 'ok' with their own logic. 

Something's missing here, both things that were brought up are good questions, on if she truly is afraid of you or if this is the classic there's someone else but you suspect there's not.

Do you share a phone plan? Start there for looking at clues (online account, look at texts and calls to the same number, one that you don't recognize)


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sooner or later you will need to break this stalemate....this suddenly involved in the church i find curious....is there something or someone there she is drawn too? 
Also the fact that she does not allow you to see the kids is also a concern...I would tell if she pushes you will get a court order to see them.


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

She says it's because she's not ready to open her heart back up right now and be vulnerable. No there has never been anything physical. We just fought like cats and dogs. I've been guilty of saying the meanest thing I could think of to hurt her because I felt like she hurt me. No it's not right but what's done is done.


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## MattC1990 (Jan 31, 2018)

She says I have to prove to her overtime that I've changed. That I'm not gonna argue or question or be negative.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

MattC1990 said:


> She says it's because she's not ready to open her heart back up right now and be vulnerable. No there has never been anything physical. We just fought like cats and dogs. I've been guilty of saying the meanest thing I could think of to hurt her because I felt like she hurt me. No it's not right but what's done is done.


This could be genuine and it could be not, I'm just not sure but you need to find out behind the scenes. Both of what you say here and what you said below this post are things my STBXW said to me to put the blame on me and the marriage and minimize and deny an affair.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Okay Matt, you really need to start looking at the behavior and stop listening to the words so much. Her talk is all pro-marriage but all her actions are I'm-getting-ready-to-divorce-you. Are you ready for when someone shows up at your door to serve you with papers? So far her actions are classic moves to prepare for divorce. She is detaching from you and trying to gain the upper hand in status quo with respect to the time spent with your kids.

First of all, your kids need their father in their life. You are still their parent and have every right to see them on a regular basis. If she is playing gatekeeper, that is a no-no. Make sure you keep a small journal to document every time she tries to keep them from you. If she and Grandma prevent you from coming over and seeing your kids, document that too. Don’t get into a shouting match on her front porch either, take the high road, document, and move on. How her and Grandma react when you show up to pick up the kids will be a huge indicator on how they feel about you. 

Keep trying to see your kids, they need you too. Go to school and have lunch with your kids, pick them up after school and take them to the park, you can even bring them home. As long as your and your wife are still married and not legally separated or divorced, you are their parent and have every right to be a parent and spend time with your kids. Your wife is not the gate-keeper of your kids.

Keep a good journal on your interactions with your wife as well as time with your kids. I would also recommend keeping a separate ledger for all the finances. You are on the internet, start putting it to use for you. Read up on your states statutes on divorce and build a list of local lawyers. You need to learn about divorce and make yourself smarter. I would also recommend a consolation with a couple of lawyers in your area. The idea is twofold: first you get some legal advice from a paid professional, and second, any lawyer you talk to first will be unable to represent her if it comes to a legal battle.

Start to get your personal stuff together as well. Move personal items, guns, family heirlooms, important documents to a safe location outside of the home. Get a new bank and checking account that only you have access. As other have mentioned, cut off anything for your wife that does not have to do with the kids (credit cards, debit cards, other accounts). 

Yes, I think it is safe to assume that your wife is never coming back. You need to start preparing for the worst, and hope for the best. She is a couple of steps ahead of you with respect to divorce and you need to start catching up. Don’t tip her off that you are doing this and don’t be surprised when you get the divorce papers. Also learn to keep you cool and take the high road. Bite your tongue and keep conversations neutral and focused on the kids for now. 

At some point soon you need to take action to regain control of your life and family. Divorce is a tough road but you can get through it okay, both for you and your kids. Be proactive when it comes to your kids too. I went to their school and sat down with the teachers and guidance counselors (my kids were in grade school). They were so great about keeping an extra eye on the kids and providing them with support if they needed it. You are in limbo right now and that is not a good place.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

OP,

She does not 'own' the kids. She may think she does and she may believe she has the last word on their welfare including keeping them away from their father but that is not legally true. Or morally. Or ethically. Only a judge can determine that.

I am assuming OP that you have not behaved like an animal and that she has every right to be afraid for herself and the children. 

Her silence fixes nothing. Her open ended demands fix nothing. Leaves you blaming yourself with no end in sight. Her keeping you away from the children is plain wrong. 

See a lawyer. Do what ever you have to do to place those kids in your family home and then let your attorney make sure she cannot remove w/o being in contempt. Your attorney will advise on how to proceed. 

Tell her she is free to move back home and work on fixing your marital problems or she is free to stay away while you file for divorce. Then let a judge decide what is in the best interests of the children. 

BTW, Your situation reeks of another man involved. If you think because your wife goes to church that there can be no one else she fancies you are sadly mistaken. Church is full of active sinners. Or that her family would not cover up for her. Cheaters lie to everyone they talk to. Especially those closest to them them.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

MattC1990 said:


> She says I have to prove to her overtime that I've changed. That I'm not gonna argue or question or be negative.


It takes two to argue, she has put this all on you and like many men you've taken all the blame in the beginning. She is using all the general statements that people use to justify what she is doing right now but it fixes nothing and it's not her intention to fix anything right now. She is not sitting around every night by herself thinking about how to save this marriage and what generally happens in a separation is one starts to explore a new world of single life and one lingers and waits. Your the one waiting. With her recent behavior changes either she has another man or is interested in another even though that's not what you want to hear or believe right now. 

First and foremost you must get a legal agreement in place regarding the kids, she can't dictate this aspect right now but she is and your playing nice trying to not rock the boat which just fuels her entitled feeling that she can do whatever she pleases. You do need to get a lawyer and start protecting yourself and your rights as a father. You'll say you don't want to anger her etc etc but you will never "nice" her back. Quit calling, texting her, hire a lawyer and get yourself some sort of structured legal separation agreement. 

Either she will see its time to start working on the marriage or its divorce time and it's just as simple as that really. You need to work on issues and she does too but neither of you are trying to fix yourselves or the marriage right now.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MattC1990 said:


> She's paying her own phone bill, car,insurance and gas etc. I'm stuck with house and all the other bills like that we accumulated as a married couple. I just didnt sign up for all those things with the assumption i would be stuck paying them alone.


Never do that again.

Women find themselves less attracted to men who "need" their income to pay bills.

Make your income the family budget.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MattC1990 said:


> She says I have to prove to her overtime that I've changed. That I'm not gonna argue or question or be negative.


So, in other words, she's in charge of the relationship and will be issuing you a report card.

Does that strike you as a weak position?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don’t see why two people would fight like cats and dogs. That’s just plain childish. If you read MARTIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER available at Amazon you will see how to handle yourself. Arguing with your wife just makes you look like a pathetic, weak pansy.

Time to learn how to be a strong leader and be a man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Women say things to see how you will react. It’s one of the things they do to test you. It’s called a sh!t test. Google it. When you argue back and call names instead of showing strength and good judgement you have failed the test. State your case and shut up. 

Download the MMSLP book I mentioned and read it now.


There is about a seventy percent chance the other posters are right about your wife being interested in another man. Thousands of men have come here saying no way their wife is cheating. Can you check her phone bill? While you were to get her was her phone glued to her hip? Were you allowed to see it anytime you wanted?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MattC1990 said:


> No I'm 100% sure she isn't seeing anyone. I'm not just saying that either. And no her grandparents talk to me everyday. Good people


Famous last words.

If you have access check her phone bill online.

See an attorney and get access to your kids. You should have 50/50. She only decides thus if you let her.

Better wake up and get rid of your doormatitus


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

It has been a week.

What is the latest Matt? How are things going?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

So what exactly did you argue about?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattC1990 said:


> My wife and I have been married 7 years. We have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. We've had our problems like most couples but the last year or two we have argued a lot. Lots of mean things said on both sides during arguments. The last year when we would argue my wife would leave and take the kids to her grandparents and stay. After 4 days or so when things were cooled off she would come back home. She recently left a week before Christmas and hasn't been home since. We hung out new years eve and her sister was around the entire time and I let her know it bothered me because I wanted the chance to have one on one time so we could try and connect and communicate about some issues. That turned into an argument so I left. I havent spoken with her on the phone since Jan 1. She has left me with all the bills but her car,phone,insurance. She has done bills the whole 7 years and now I'm stuck trying to get caught up with my one income. She has text me very little the past month. All I've gotten out of her was that she didn't want to divorce and wanted to eventually get back together but is taking this time to heal. Saying she wants things to go slow. Problem is she hasn't spoken with me or seen me in a month. Idk what do, I love my wife and I don't want to give up on the marriage, but it seems like she's not interested in even going slow. I could just really use some advice. It's been very hard on me emotionally.


Check the phone bill.


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