# Hmmm. What to do



## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

First off. It is because of the threads on this site that I have been able to turn the corner and get my emotions in check. I haven't had that dreadful hole in the heart feeling for 4 days. Thank you

Now for my story... here are the basics.. been married for 15 years.. 4 kids. 3 from her 1st marriage and 1 from my first. All above 18 years old now. So basically... according to my wife..who I am separated from, her idea, we started drifting apart almost 2 yrs ago. And I can see that.... now that I have that 20/20 hindsight now... at that time I was having a very hard time with my job and I realize now that I closed up into my self. Over time I neglected my wife emotionally and physically. 

Cut to the next seen. I couldn't stand my job anymore and felt I had to get out of the trap of the town we lived in. I asked my family if they would be good with moving so I could get a better job. They answered yes. So with that in mind, I was off to make a better life for us..... fast foward... I got a good job, with the kind of company I had always wanted to work for, not the crap company I came from. Got the family moved. 4 months later they decided they hated and went back home... the plan was to get the kids graduated and then my wife would come back.. ok... so for the next number of months I traveled home to be with my wife and family. Sure the distance wasn't good but I felt we were still doing good. 

Fast fwd again. Last August.. my wife was lonely and still feeling neglected.. needless to say she gave into temptation. That person dumped her after he got what he wanted. Self esteem shot.. apparently she started looking for a difference in her life. (This is all according to her) she started riding motorcycles with a group of people and got her own bike. I didn't have a problem with that. She has always wanted a bike and I encouraged her.. well needless to say, one guy became more of a "friend". She has been up front about it. 

Well, at the end of February, she tells me that she has to find herself, thinks she is having a midlife crisis and wants to be happy and she doesn't think that would be with me... she still loves me... but not in love with me... and she has feelings for the Biker dude. Bottom line,,, my marriage is on the rocks because of my neglect, her midlife crisis and a Son's of Anarchy biker fantasy. 

So we have talked... we talked about us getting back together... she said I would never forgive her..... so let's look at what I have been doing..
First off.... this whole experience has shown me many things... showed me where my marriage went down hill.. took me to the absolute lowest point in my life that I had ever had. (Spent 2 solid days wasted). Came up on the 3rd day and I was in a pit of darkness. I prayed to God for help... and that when recovery began. No matter what your belief is... God is the one that saved me from that pit. I have spent a lot of spiritual time talking to Him and for me.... have received many things in return. Found all kinds of things to read, about various topics.. you all know. How do I this and how do I that. Which ultimately led me to this forum where I turned the corner. I have working out everyday... and walking everyday and I have come to enjoy that. I dress better and take better care of myself... I realized there were things about me I need to find before I could move on. 
Anyway... I have talked to her and told her that I would forgive her if she would forgive me. We know it wouldn't be an easy road. So 2 weeks ago she decided that she doesn't want me... that she wants her new life.. ok... that's when I crashed. I did all the wrong things..called.. cried... texted...blah blah..go read the 180s pin. Great info there. 

So now my head is straight. I have talked to her 2 other times and have not gone on the deep end. One thing I told her was that her....new guy.... is not on the same emotional level as she is. (Both of us are in touch deeper either our emotions) more in that in a minute. Also that just from where I have been around him.... before I found all this out.... I said I don't think he could satisfy you on any level after the excitement of a new relationship wears off. Anyway, over talking about bills and kids and grandkids... I said, we'll I guess when do you want to do this divorce thing...... silence....we are not going to fight over anything. (Other than our relationship... me and my wife make a great team on anything else, just couldn't talk about us...she didn't talk either... both of our faults). Again... which lawyer should we use... she says maybe this one...Ok. then she said, I thought you wanted to wait. I said, you are the one who said it was over..... silence again.. then she says... I think we should wait.....
Fwd next conversation, blah blah blah, I told her one more time that I loved her, would forgive her, know that our marriage could be even stronger because of what we have both learned. She even admitted that this guy could be more about himself if he would apply hisself... but he wont... and that she gives.... but doesn't get as much back from him... probably emotional level...and said that is where her and I are so compatible. 

So where am I at now. I went full no contact. If she wants to talk to me then she can contact me. I won't talk about our relationship unless she brings it up. So after a week. She calls me.. we talked general.. am I going to make it our daughters play. Blah blah... and asks if I am staying at her apartment. No I say. I will stay somewhere else.. (she wouldn't be there anyway...). Then I told her that I wouldn't go to her work either (she owns a bar by the way, now you know how they met). I didn't want to cause any uncomfortable issues with her. She said... it will be fine... and I said it wasn't last time... and she oh yeah....

Ok so here it is.. I have ever turned the corner. Do I still want my wife back... yes... can I forgive her... yes. If my wife fully decides to move on will I be able to move on... yes... my mind and heart are prepared for that now. Either way... my life will go on. But i feel disappointed that she had done that to me... I'm confused that if I'm not the one she wants, then why not let me go and say she wants a divorce.... because she still doesn't want one.. I know she is confused as well, I can hear it in her voice and in person she puts up a good front.. there are things about her I still know... 
I know she won't be happy with this guy and when I see her in a couple of days, I hope she sees some of the change in have made... not for her.. but for me. Maybe it might make her think some more..... she has already admitted that she has thought alot about what I have told her. 

Long post. Sorry, but it feels great to say this to people that are in the same park. I would also like a woman's perspective on this as well. What goes through her mind... the one thing I can't read. What to do and what not to do.... hmmm.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You don't need her permission for a divorce.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are allowing her to eat cake. As long as she knows you aren't going anywhere, why should she make any changes?

File, have her served, and detach.

Show her through actions that you will not play second fiddle to her multiple affair partners.

On that note, your wife is not only an adultress, but a serial adultress. Do you not value yourself more that waiting for her to have her fill of other men before she (a big if) comes back? 

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A woman's perspective? You're Plan B -- maybe. She's not positive about that right now. She's not really afraid of losing you. She thinks she can reel you back in if she needs to. So she'll continue doing as she pleases for as long as she pleases. 

Women see begging and pleading (and men anxiously waiting around while we supposedly struggle to make up our minds) as weak and unattractive. We know we can easily manipulate men like that. And we generally view all of that with contempt. Because what we really want is a strong man who doesn't put up with our bull. 

That's what's likely going on in her head.


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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

Openminded said:


> A woman's perspective? You're Plan B -- maybe. She's not positive about that right now. She's not really afraid of losing you. She thinks she can reel you back in if she needs to. So she'll continue doing as she pleases for as long as she pleases.
> 
> Women see begging and pleading (and men anxiously waiting around while we supposedly struggle to make up our minds) as weak and unattractive. We know we can easily manipulate men like that. And we generally view all of that with contempt. Because what we really want is a strong man who doesn't put up with our bull.
> 
> That's what's likely going on in her head.


Totally agree with this. Man up and tell her what YOU want to happen going forward.

I'm in a similar situation but neither of us knows what to do yet. There wasn't an affair though. I've turned the corner first though I think. He's still wallowing. Time will tell.

You said it yourself - you have turned a corner. Keep going.
You have made great strides in doing what makes you happy. This is what is attractive to her. You are no longer a blithering mess and are getting on with life.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! 

Good luck!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

She isn't motivated to do anything different. She figures you will wait on her to come to a conclusion...yet, she doesn't know what the heck she wants! 

I would encourage you to get the ball rolling (hire and attorney). That may motivate her one way or another.

You may end up in limbo for a long while depending on her to make a decision.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

I appreciate all the comments

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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

Look.. yall... I need help... my wife has moved on... I'm drunk..... I haven't made a fool of myself yet..... but i know it's over....please..... how do I make the next step.... I'm lost. .... I'm hurt..... I still love her..... but i have to move on. ... but the pain..... ****.... I have to move on but my heart doesn't want to accept it. Please..... someone tell me something..... I am about to crash.

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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Absolutely do not call her!

Give yourself this one night but lay off the booze from now on. Go to the gym instead.

Detach and 180.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, cake eater. Why do anything she has OM for sex and excitement and her good old plan B for security backup why would she want a divorce????

File no warning. Or stay in limbo. How do you like it so far?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One of the major problems at this point is that she is calling all the shots. You need to take charge of your life. You do it by YOU making the moves to get on with our life.

Go see a lawyer on Monday and file for divorce.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

If she really is having a mid life crisis, absolutely everything you do to reconcile things will make you look needy and not strong and independent (independent? She's hanging with a biker SoA).

Basically your options are, in order:
(1) Get on with your life. (the 180 plan they call it). If there's a future to be had between the tow of you, it because you became strong independent person again, and you start over from the begining.

Yep. That's it, short list; easy choices, 'cause all the choices have already been made for you. All you're hanging on to is the photo's in the attic of you memories, not life as it is.

Yes I tend to be brief, abrupt, and very direct and without regard for your little feels. But I figure, lets not lead you down a path of lies and gaslighted half truths. It's going to be sh.. to start with but it does actually get better. And well, God's better at helping people through hard times than reversing reality for individual's wants no matter how much they hurt at the time. So pray for the strength to endure the hard times, not to be given the easy road ('cause no road is ever that easier that the bumps don't upset the traveller).

Divorce is sad, but I think financially the only sane option. See if you can get it over quickly, get _EVERYTHING_ in writing, DON'T take her word for anything, and only go through your attourney if she lawyers up - if her lawyer won't talk to you, you'll either need to get attourney to represent your interests or tell them you are representing yourself (which is not a good idea, and you can't represent yourself AND have an attourney. If you have an attourney, you can't talk to her attourney directly - it's unprofessional - because it creates crossed wires with people getting left out of the loop/being told different things). But REALLY _do_not_ take the ex's word on anything, not until the papers are signed and Court notarised. You could have the most amicable parting in the world, and before the stamp goes on the page, either of you could grab a lawyer and rush to Court to contest for _anything_. It's far easier to part ways now - and don't tell her you'll miss her, or that you'll always care, or anything nice ---- unlike the rest of your relationship, when you are expected to be caring and show feelings, that time is now GONE. GONE! It's purely business now, just like putting the cash on the table at the end of the meal at a restaruant (or paying at the till, depending where you are), is all friends before, but now it's just business. stow your sorry suit, and put on your driving face, 'cause moving forward is the only option left for you. And yes, a year, two years, it will start getting better.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you really want to take her back after what she's done, she must get STD tested immediately, then again in 6 months, and you should not have sex until her second screening comes back clean. You need to think rationally here. This woman decided to do what she wanted. Make no mistake, she is not confused.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

Thanks yall.. I needed to hear all of that. Time to move on.... 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You aren't the first to go through this and you won't be the last. Follow the tough love you're getting. It will help. 180 hard. File for divorce. She is putting out bait each time you talk with her just to make you squirm. She wants to hurt you. She will hurt you more each time. She is not your friend. Get away from her or you will suffer horribly. There is life, women, money, toys, fun, happiness, and much less pain after divorce and with some work on your part to do the things that will make you most important in your life, as well as time and distance.

You can always see your doctor for some anti depression meds, if it gets that bad for a sustained period of time. You don't have to stay on them forever, but they can help you to get through this time. Just something to keep in your back pocket in case you need it. Consider counseling as another option. Though, doing what is prescribed here is what will help.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It is one ting to forgive and look at oneself and admit your part of the downfall but you are not responsible for your wife's actions. She made choices for herself and if this is what she wants I think I would leave things the way they are. Find your own way forward. I do know your pain, I really do. My first husband left me and for a long time I thought I would do whatever it took to bring him back to me but looking back that would not have been wise. This man was a cheat and not good for me but I could not see it at the time. I don't think this woman is good for you and you do not need to change who you are to try and pleas her.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

Update...... I saw her this weekend... we are done. I am in the process of cutting strings and getting a lawyer. I have read the 180s but I am looking for some pins about moving on and forward. Have I missed those somewhere on this sight? I have finally accepted that even if we would get back together it wouldn't work. She is a completely different person now and I know I deserve better for my life than to continue to struggle. Thanks for everyone's advice. Today is the first day of moving on.

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The 180 is a good start. 
Busy yourself as much as possible, stay active, exercise, eat right, don't drink excessively.

Stay diplomatic and respectful to her, no matter how she acts, no matter what she says, you stay the rock. Remove yourself if she tries to goad you. Short answers to questions. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm not OK with that. " etc... 

Take care of your stuff - your food, your laundry, your expenses. Don't do any of hers, she can do that, she's a grown woman. 

You're separating, so you must live like you are.

Get a lawyer. Don't take any legal advice here, most of us are not experts in that area.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

We already live apart. Her in Texas and me in Kansas. We both for the most part have our own households. Everything is very coordial. No fighting or arguing.. what is done is done. We have both agreed to let go as painlessly as possible. No need to have anymore drama. No fighting over possessions. We will split pictures she will get her stuff and I will get mine. It's time to move foward in a positive direction for me. I know it will take a bit, but I already feel better today. Just one day at a time right?

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## Robbity (Mar 30, 2016)

DazedandmoreConfused said:


> Update...... I saw her this weekend... we are done. I am in the process of cutting strings and getting a lawyer. I have read the 180s but I am looking for some pins about moving on and forward. Have I missed those somewhere on this sight? I have finally accepted that even if we would get back together it wouldn't work. She is a completely different person now and I know I deserve better for my life than to continue to struggle. Thanks for everyone's advice. Today is the first day of moving on.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G928V using Tapatalk


Hallejulah! "I know I deserve better for my life than to continue to struggle"

Say that to yourself every time you feel like making contact.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life -another good one.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

I woke up this morning..... pissed.....that woman is not the person I fell in love with. The person I married would walk through fire for me and I her. But this woman is willing to throw me into the fire and is content with that. Even still..... I had..... still have have that last hope.... which I know is just a lingering...... want from the heart. But then I ask myself.... why would I want to be around the drama that surrounds her. (She is always got some kind of drama going on). Why would I want that. Why would I want to stress out daily over meaningless crap. (Like I use to). Why would I want to put myself in her new lifestyle which involves stuff I could care less about. That is my base question to myself for me today. I don't have to deal with any of that crap now... I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't have to answer to, justify to, argue with, sacrifice for.... anyone. I have freedom now... so apply the question. Why would I want to give up my freedom to be locked up again? The slap in the face that I needed. I'm pissed.... at myself for wasting time trying to put myself back into that crap. It's crazy how for a time your heart and mind fight each other until finally the mind wins. I think about her this morning and I am sad for her..... I haven't changed... I am still who I was before.... she is the one that just became a person I don't know. I'm sad because she is in a relationship with someone who is LESS than me. I blow him away on most every level. I'm sad because I don't understand why she would accept less than what she had before. But, that is her decision and that is drama yet again I do not want or need in my new life. Whatever. One day leads to the next and will get easier by the day. I have a dirt road in front of my house in the country and every day I go walk. I look at that road now as I walk and think.... the further I walk.... the further I leave the crap behind. 

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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, at one point or another, you both threw each other away realistically speaking. What did you think when you neglected her because of your own issues and she has issues of her own and discarded you as well.

She fell out of love and the stronger the bond, the stronger the motivation to work things out.

Just learn and move on. Btw, actions affect others. When your wife cheated on you, it cause you to change and alter as a person, same thing when you neglect her, it changes her and her bond to you broke down and probably has never recovered.

Anyways, at least if you keep this lesson learn in mind, odds are, on your own end, you would be a stellar partner.

I always posted that betrayal is not alone owned by infidelity. Neglect, negligence, abuse, and so on are forms of betrayal as well.

I know it is hard to stop caring for her, or you would wish she would make wise decisions, but that is no longer your part as you two are not together. Love takes time to dissipate.

Here is another thing to know, actions affect others and their behavior and outcome . There was a poster on here that was abused and nearly succeeded in committing suicide. I would say if the abuse did not occur, the suicide is not nearly not likely to occur. How has your wife affected you and change some of your behavior? How has your own actions change her over the years. As people, we do not stop changing and people are environmental factors to that change. Even though adults do not change as rapidly as adolescence, nonetheless, they still have neuro plasticity to change and nurture still alters their growth.

Here is an example of how your wife's action alter your behavior. You quit trying because you have learned that it is futile through rejection. Btw, neglect is also rejection of your partner. Is so happens that your neglect, the children growing up, loss of her identity as a mother, an absentee husband so her identity as a wife comes into the picture, a majority of what makes her her.

Not calling her actions correct either, and in the end is probably self-destructive, but that is now her life and you are no longer responsible on that end just like she is no longer responsible for you and your wants and needs. Those in relationships, especially wanting it to succeed, are responsible for nurturing it.

Here is a story someone else on here told me. His friend was an drug addict and he change his ex where she also became a drug addict because of his influence. In the end, he change his life and is now remarried and happy while the ex remains a drug addict, the one he help alter and made it a possibility. So, in summary, he helps her turn into an addict and he is now healthy and in a better relationship.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

A woman's perspective? She's afraid of being alone so she's hedging her bets. Reasons can vary from financial to social but odds are she's making sure one way or the other she's not alone.

Why the hell won't people talk? You realize your fault in this but her fault is not speaking to you when she was first struggling. She had the last opportunity to fix this.

While you may be right about her midlife crisis and her wanting to come back to you in the end, do you really want sloppy seconds? Even if she did it would likely happen again or a divorce would occur - the reason would be lack of respect for you. As long as you hanging there and do her bidding, she will gradually lose respect. You will be her reliable backup plan. She will have found relief that you stuck it out and she could come back to you and will be appreciative but her eye will wander again and she will want that first-kiss-excitement.

Don't. 180 and plan your exit. Self preservation at this point.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

It's a great relief to move forward. In the process of finding a lawyer to start the divorce. I finally got it through my thick head that I deserve better.... that I don't need or want her drama in my life. It's sad how someone you loved for that long can just change into a complete stranger. Well... I'm cutting strings... moving on to my new life and looking forward to better things.


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