# Is there hope for us?



## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

My husband and I are both 30. We started dating when we were 14. He cheated on me once in college when he made out with another girl (no sex). We got married 3 years ago. He has always been a "go with the flow" kind of guy, never really showed emotions, nothing ever seemed to bother him. I am definitely the more intense in our relationship.

I was insanely happy to be married. There were issues- none that I ever thought would amount to much. We had a very large wedding and we are required to live in a specific town because of his job (he's in politics). To save money we rented an apartment from his parents in a 2 family home. They live downstairs. I admit that I complained about being confined to one town and I did not want to live above his parents - even though I love them - forever. More than anything, I just wanted a plan and he's not a planner. Regardless, I loved our home. I loved to cook and bake and clean and entertain my husband and his friends. 

We led an extraordinarily busy life. Because of his job we had events to attend almost every night and we would come home close to midnight every night. We are both getting our PhD and attend classes on most weekends. Weekends were filled with appearances and events, and when they weren't he would sleep in and I would go out and run errands - I love to wake up early. I started to resent that everything was about him and his job - no one asked how my day was, how my job was going, what I wanted to do on the weekends. When we would come home late I would clean or do things around the apartment and he would watch tv - I complained about that as well. However, I would say we had more good days than bad ones, I would never argue for more than a few minutes. 

There were nights he had to be out late without me. I understood the nature of the job. However, I would be upset when he would say he would be home at XYZ time and that time would come and go and I would not get a text or a call to say otherwise. So I would worry and continually text until he responded. When he was with me his phone was always in his hand but when he was without me he couldn't be bothered to send a text. 

Still, I was happy to go home to him every day. He was my best friend. We were lacking intimacy. When we had sex it would be great but neither of us worked on initiating it more than every now and then. I knew it was a problem but I was also self conscious about myself so I would wait for him to want me.

He finished up his PhD courses in May and began the dissertaiton writing process. I still have courses to take. July 14th I was in class and he was going out with his best friend (single guy) for dinner. My husband suggested I meet them after class if I got out early. I didn't, so he said he would bring me food home. When he got home he was acting strange and very very unlike himself. I asked if everything was ok, he said it was. But something was off. Saturday I went to class, we had plans with friends that night. On the way to the bar he seemed off again and I asked and receievd the same answer. When we were with friends he was fine. Car ride home alone with me - again strange and again denied anything was wrong. Sunday we went to the gym, went to an event, then met up with the same friend for dinner. Something was still off, I kept asking. On the walk home he tells me "If I tell you you'll just cry." We get home and he admits that he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and wants to be alone and needs some space. I cry but calmly and tell him its ok and I prefer his honesty I pack my bags and go to my mother's home. 

I admit that I don't give the space he asked for. I texted constantly. I was an emotional wreck and I needed answers. He had none to give. I am still living at my moms. He has not filed for divorce and we still share a bank account. It took him 32 days to even change his social media picture to one of just him. He didn't even tell his friends for about a week that this happened. There are still many many people who do not know. We only communicate now when necessary but I do admit to have days here and there where I break down and text him with questions. A month ago he agreed to meet up at a bar to talk. I thought he would rush out of there but when we finished our first round he went and got another. He said he feels like he's going through a midlife crisis at age 30, feels like he needs to be alone, admits finances and lack of intimacy were an issue. Said he needed his space and he felt like we were an old couple. I started seeing a therapist, he refuses to go to counseling. 

I have realized my faults and feel that if we got back together we would be stronger because I feel I have grown in this separation. I am living with my mom and it is not the best situation. I only have my clothes and necessities. I miss my home and especially him. I realized, through therapy, that I too was starting to wonder what life would be like with someone else (because we never had been with anyone else) and I may have done things to push him away. 

Here are some other indicators:

- He has not filed for divorce, or not even completely removed me and traces of me from social media.

- He has dragged his feet on telling people around him about what is going on- half his family doesn't know. However, he is in politics so this could be him being image conscious.

- He reached out for the first time asking if I knew where some paperwork was. He was always the keeper of that paperwork and it has been in the same location for 3 years. 

- There was a bill I had started paying from a school loan I took. I naturally assumed I would take responsibility of it now on my own. When I texted him to find out where to send the check (he had been the one to send it all the times before) he said he was taking care of it no matter how I insisted.

- He accidentally left his facebook logged on on my ipad. I discovered this yesterday and again, for better or worse, I checked his activity log and saw he has been searching my page every day sometimes multiple times a day. He knows I won't be vindictive or post anything negative on facebook, so I don't think that's it.

- We are still on the same phone plan even though I asked him in moments of anger to get his own plan.

- I serve on several town boards...only because he wanted me to. I have asked him to remove me from the boards...and yet he has not. When the last email came out for the next meeting, he texted me that he would let them know i wasn't coming...I said i would go unless it made him upset, he responded that it would be fine if I went.

- When I recently saw him to get the remainder of my things, there was something off about him. It was the same look and feeling he had on the weekend when he told me he didn't love me. Any time I have seen him prior to that he seemed fine and calm. This was different.

- Shortly after the separation he told me that even if he changed his mind he would not tell me because it would be unfair to me.

Any thoughts, interpretations, advice?

Thank you in advance!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I'm not a big believer in mid-life crisis genre... 

Crisis by poor choices happen throughout life.

There are times that we will not get the open and truthful answers we need from others... what does your heart tell you?

Perhaps it time to believe exactly what has been presented to you... it's hard I know, but sometimes things are intentionally as they seem.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

It looks like he thinks you two grew apart. How long are you willing to live like this if he refuses to get back together? 

It seems that your marriage was always one sided which always swayed his way. Even the separation was on his terms. Why? You two were a couple. Your needs and wants were important too. You are living in limbo due to his unhappiness. How is that your fault? You do realize that one's happiness comes from within right? 

You are also aware that he was responsible for keeping his promises and vows to you as you were responsible for keeping yours to him. Who failed here? It was not you. He also failed to give you notice of when his feelings were changing even when you asked multiple times. Why did he do this? Why did he detach from you? You deserve to know, but he refuses to talk about it. Feelings don't just all of a sudden disappear for our partners. That detachment takes time. 

What did you do that was so terrible that he didn't bother to clue you in that his feelings for you were gone? Are you beginning to realize that nothing you did truly merits being left behind without being given the opportunity to work on the marriage together? How can you work on fixing anything if you are separated and he refuses to talk about it? Having space apart will not help to solidify the relationship, it more than likely will give it the kiss of death.

You say you are in counseling and fixing what you did wrong. But you are not the one that is detached and needing space. All the fixing you do is not going to transfer to him. You can't fix HIS lack of wanting to remain with you. You really didn't break this relationship, he did. 

In other words, YOU can't fix what you didn't break!

Most of us that are left behind want to own fault in our partner's detachment because if we broke it, then surely we can fix it right? In your case, that is not one bit true. 

Kudos to you for going to counseling. This will help you improve yourself, but it will do silch to save your relationship with your detached husband.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is a hard one. I just don't know. He sounds very unsure.
I would try to have one more sit down with him and ask him if he is completely sure this is what he wants?
If he still says it is, then you need to file a move on sweetheart.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> This is a hard one. I just don't know. He sounds very unsure.
> I would try to have one more sit down with him and ask him if he is completely sure this is what he wants?
> If he still says it is, then you need to file a move on sweetheart.


*And better still, when you do have this "Come to Jesus Meeting" with him, it needs to have the question "Why?" attached! And at the same time intently watch his eyes!

Ones eyes and their suddenly looking away from the inquisitor can be one of the most effective lie-detection tools that there is!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's the only one who knows if there's hope. How much time are you willing to give him? A common reason for separation is the interest in dating someone else. Maybe he's trying out a new life to see if he likes it or not. Are you okay with waiting around while he decides if he's going to eventually choose you?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

*Re: After 15 years*

No real advice, except to say that you have been together since you were practically children. People do grow and change; it's understandable that his feelings at 30 would not be the same as his feelings at 14. 

You let a very important part of your marriage go untended and undernourished -- sex and intimacy are the glue that bonds you in your marriage.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: After 15 years*

It would be easy to say that he found someone new. That is what usually happens.
But, we do not know that.

The mays, maybes-
If there is no one else, you may have outlived your usefulness to him. He maybe sees you as a clinger. A codependent person that is holding him back. Annoying him.

Dunno. 

Time will unravel this mystery


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: After 15 years*

Unfortunately once a cheater always a cheater is said for a reason. Hang in there sooner or later you will find out. Check his phone bill if you have access to it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have merged these threads.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Best thing for you to do if you want him back is to work on yourself. Work out more, dress up more, go out more. Don't mess around or flirt with anyone at all, but be out having fun and socializing. He might see you and want to chase you. If not at least you'll be out having fun and working on yourself. If he sees you as a sad crying desperate wife he may not want you back, but if he sees he may lose you and what a great catch you are he may want you back. Fight for it. 

Also, let him know that you need some quick sexual release at least every other week, if he'd be willing to do that for you. That'll keep him attached and will bring out his love feelings for you and might keep him satisfied enough to keep him from straying. Make it a every other Wednesday or something like that so he has it scheduled and it is a sure thing. Let him know what he's missing. It might not work but at least you tried.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think counselling would help, even if it is aimed at easing you both through a divorce.


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

Thanks everyone. I guess I just feel a lot of regret over the way I handled or acted in our marriage - not to say he didn't have faults as well, because he did, but I do feel if I were different then we wouldn't be in this situation. It's hard to have regret and not be able to make things right.

I feel I have learned a lot during this separation and with therapy - about myself, about us, about relationships - and I know I could be better.

I just don't know if it seems, based on his actions, that there's any hope left and if there is, what the best angle would be for me to take to win him back?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hopeful621 said:


> My husband and I are both 30. We started dating when we were 14. He cheated on me once in college when he made out with another girl (no sex). We got married 3 years ago. He has always been a "go with the flow" kind of guy, never really showed emotions, nothing ever seemed to bother him. I am definitely the more intense in our relationship.
> 
> I was insanely happy to be married. There were issues- none that I ever thought would amount to much. We had a very large wedding and we are required to live in a specific town because of his job (he's in politics). To save money we rented an apartment from his parents in a 2 family home. They live downstairs. I admit that I complained about being confined to one town and I did not want to live above his parents - even though I love them - forever. More than anything, I just wanted a plan and he's not a planner. Regardless, I loved our home. I loved to cook and bake and clean and entertain my husband and his friends.
> 
> ...



He is far too young for a MLC, that is a big fat lie. I think he cheated on you, had a taste and wants to see where that will lead, but wants to have you as plan B. I would push for a divorce. Go see a lawyer, do not let him hide this, expose what has been happening to all family and friends. File the papers. I think if you do some snooping you might find the reason for his cooling off, and it will probably be another woman.


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