# Can Love Exist In Marriage Without Lust??



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

I'll try to keep the background brief. I have been married 20 years, 10 without kids and 10 since the birth of our first, 7 since the birth of our last. Our sex life before kids was 4-5x per week with a steady decline during having kids and since to about once a week for last three years. This has been really the only hitch in what has been otherwise a really great marriage. 


For a long time we talked about twice a year to try to figure out the problem which almost always came to some issue on my part, not asking enough, not going to bed at the same time, too much groping, not being romantic enough etc. I did try to work on these as they came up to no effect. Last year I convinced my wife to go to counseling for some serious anger management issues that kind of came out of nowhere when she accepted a new job that required an out of state move. Since she was already going we decided to try to discuss some of our relationship problems in couples sessions as well. During these sessions she admitted that she had changed since having kids and was really only interested in a once a week quickie which I am trying to be respectful and understanding of. 


However, I also brought up that I do not feel that she is attracted to me anymore which she has insisted is not true. I also brought up that she does not like that I find her attractive, especially when naked. As an example I pointed out that she wears very sexy professional clothes to work that often show her E cleavage but that she says such clothes are inappropriate when I ask she wear such clothes with me (less formal but still revealing). To her credit she did admit and backpedal on this and does now wear a lot of clothes I love when we are together (we shop for them on dates). She still says it makes her uncomfortable that I like to see her naked and she NEVER says I look good naked which I do think I do having lost 40 lbs and gotten in really good shape over the last year.


Bottom line is that I do not think she finds me attractive and no longer really wants me to find her attractive (I do and still tell her anyway) and that this is what has led to the decrease in our sex life. BUT I also believe that the lack of attraction is because she really no longer LOVES me even though she says she does. I would like to know primarily from the ladies can love really still exist without lust??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For me no love cannot exist without the lust. Sex is the glue that has kept my husband and I together for 22 years. Without it we would have never made it.

Some women however once they get the kids they feel sex is no longer necessary. They have their friends, their kids, their jobs, etc. Their needs are met while yours go neglected. It's sad but it happens often.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ya, I need love and lust. I don't want to be with someone who isn't THAT into me...in fact, I won't. I feed off of it, and it heightens the experience, in and out of the bedroom.

You are neglected. Just because she only wants it once a week quick, doesn't mean your needs should be forgotten. I wouldn't blame you for feeling unloved....she is very unloving.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It only works if BOTH people are getting their needs met. Otherwise, the imbalance causes resentments to fester, probably on both sides. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks for the replies. I just really want to know if I should BELIEVE she loves me. She seems sincere but she has boasted about faking her feelings about other things in the last year. I grew up with no father and will never leave my kids or cheat and have come to terms with the lack of intimacy. I just need to know is the love really gone.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You CAN love someone with zero desire to have sex with them. Kids, parents, really good friends. But is that what you're looking for in a marriage? Not this cowboy!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You watch ACTIONS to find out if someone loves you.

If she loved you she'd move heaven and earth to make sure your needs are met as you would do for her.

Just curious has she had any complaints about her needs not being met or is this your typical nice guy, one sided type relationship?


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## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

No complaints at all. She says all she wants is a quickie once a week. To me its Saturday night duty sex. Like clockwork. She says she doesn't like oral (on her) or want foreplay but she will do different positions if I suggest. The sex is still good.

To me she is still the hottest thing on two legs. She says me telling her, especially naked, just makes her uncomfortable.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Arioch said:


> No complaints at all. She says all she wants is a quickie once a week. To me its Saturday night duty sex. Like clockwork. She says she doesn't like oral (on her) or want foreplay but she will do different positions if I suggest. The sex is still good.
> 
> To me she is still the hottest thing on two legs. She says me telling her, especially naked, just makes her uncomfortable.


I can give an example to maybe help you... clothed I am confident, it allows me to flaunt my assets and hide the parts that make me insecure, when naked, I am totally vulnerable and when my husband says something to me naked and I look, all I see are the bad things... like stretch marks from two kids, which he will refer to as "tiger stripes"... when he says ass (I think of how much it has changed)... women are definitely wired differently in that department (well most women) and we aren't very vocal in complimenting a naked man... at least I wasn't and have talked and read many on here who struggle with such things. 
e
I will say this game my husband found helped with my sex drive and my confidence (turned me on too) it's a strip poker game (use this on your weekly night, and read many men on here would be happy to get that) but during the game you strip, you can use a scarf, feather whatever is soft and teasing... and once someone is completely naked, you keep playing, and whoever loses the hand has to do something for at least one min to the other person, using one of the toys or none at all... Get back to kissing her the way you did when you were dating. That is always a huge turn on for me from my husband... in fact it's been a while  Good luck man!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Arioch said:


> No complaints at all. She says all she wants is a quickie once a week.


Sigh of course.

Her needs are met and so she's less concerned about yours.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

The fact that she wears sexy clothes to work but is reluctant to wear them for you seems troubling. It may be a sign that she wants attention from other men, but not you.

Personally, if I were you, I'd cut off the duty sex. I would tell her that you want a mutually satisfying sexual relationship only. I would also call her out on wearing sexy clothes to work.

But you might not want to take my advice because my sex life is even worse than yours.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

I Found myself in your same situation.
My wife put on a few pounds after 5 kids and 25+ years of marriage, but she still puts the lead in my pencil. 

I would compliment my wife when she was totally nude, or even semi-nude. In the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, really anywhere. 
I would tell her how much I love her beautiful long hair, gorgeous face, the curves from her waist to hips, her large breasts, the softness of her skin, and a hundred others, but nearly every response from her was to roll her eyes and say, "Don't say that, I know how I look, I am not blind." 
She then told me that when I compliment her and she knows the "reality" of it, she sees my compliment as insincere and patronizing. 

It then becomes a lose lose situation. If you don't compliment your wife, your a uncaring husband, it you do, your patronizing. 

I seriously wish you can overcome this aspect of your relationship with your wife and if you do, please let me know how.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

People who have low desire or zero desire can still love fully.

But people with higher desire many times can't fully express and feel their love without regular sex.

So two LD spouses can be happy and in love just fine.

It is only when there is a mismatch that people can't find the right balance.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

IMO yes, you can love without lust. I did for 2.5 years after each kid. I believe it had a lot to do with my hormones, and being uncomfortable in my own skin. I mean, he got it 1-2 times a week, but it wasn't good, I kept my shirt on and laid still. However, I learned from a young age that you give sex so people will like you. My H changed that thinking, but when I'm uncomfortable, it goes right back to "here you go, now can we be friends?"... when I'm into it however.....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Without lust, you have something akin to brotherly love. I wouldn't consider it true love in the romantic sense.


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## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful comments and advice.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> The fact that she wears sexy clothes to work but is reluctant to wear them for you seems troubling. It may be a sign that she wants attention from other men, but not you.
> 
> Personally, if I were you, I'd cut off the duty sex. I would tell her that you want a mutually satisfying sexual relationship only. I would also call her out on wearing sexy clothes to work.


Agree with the issue on what she wears to work vs. home.

In general, she is trying to minimize the opportunity for and pleasure from sex. Not only does she only allow occassional quickies, but she does not compliment you and discourages you from complimenting her.

Since she admitted she's changed, I would point out that she has no inhibitions but rather has simply depriortized you. She could have chosen to cheerfully meet your need but instead decided to make it about her and discourages any sex other than what she wants.

Then, having depicted the scenario, I would further note that there is a serious imbalance in how you prioritize each other. At some point balance is restored. She needs to decide whether it gets restored by her stepping her game back up to where it was before, or whether you drop yours down to match hers.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

DTO said:


> Agree with the issue on what she wears to work vs. home.
> 
> In general, she is trying to minimize the opportunity for and pleasure from sex. Not only does she only allow occassional quickies, but she does not compliment you and discourages you from complimenting her.
> 
> ...


It seems like a strong component of her game is having him at a low priority. If it's their priority to have you at a low priority, what the hell you going to do about that?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Of course you can have love without lust - I don't lust after any of my family members and love them all deeply. I enjoy their company and want them to be happy.

It seems, to some women and men, that a spouse becomes just another one of these family members. Love them, love their company - but wouldn't have sex with them, its not that kind of thing.

Can it exist -yes. Should it exist - no.


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