# I'm not sure what to do anymore....



## justputonasmile (Feb 22, 2013)

I'm hoping you can give me some advice. I’m sorry it so long, there is just so much. Seems like I can never get any good advice and I need some help. We just got married at the end of august of 2012. We were together for a while and lived together for a year and a half. 

Everything was fine; we had normal spats but never too bad. We loved each other. October 2012 is when I found out he was texting and facebooking a ex. he told me he talked to her on his email and I didn’t think anything of it because he said she was having a hard time and needed some advice which was true but I didn’t understand how deep it went till was checking his email for college info (he never does it and if I don't it won’t get done and miss important info) and I remembered he said he emailed me.. But there weren’t any emails, none at all from or to her. That is when a red flag went up. You don’t delete emails if you’re not hiding anything, he doesn’t delete any emails.

That’s when I got on his facebook page, that’s when I found their messages going back weeks, getting more and more personal. He told her he wasn't happy, he wasn’t sure why he married me and eventually told her he was horny and asked for sex. She said "you should go to your wife instead" which I thank god she did, but it hurts he would say all that. I left that day and then he came to me and we talked and talked for hours. He promised to delete her stop talking to her and fix what he broke. He might of not had physical sex with her but he thought about it and tried to act upon it and if she said yes he would have, and that’s cheating enough for me, and he agrees. I talked to her and she confessed she is attracted to his and it was very hard for her to say no.

Everything started going good again, I stopped crying all the time, I stopped checking his phone, and I stopped feeling so betrayed. From the moment I decided to stay tho I told him I was to be told if he saw or talked to her. He agreed and did. She lives in our town and he works in a big store in our town. He would tell me everything. This past week tho was had everything go downhill. In one week we went from barely any contact, to texting her, to unblocking her on facebook, to texting her in front of me, to adding her on facebook. I told him it hurt me, and when he texted her in front of me that was when I said. That’s it me or her right now, he chose me and then that’s when he added her on face book. I packed my bags and was going to leave and he cried. he said he just wanted to be friends with her and she is engaged and wanted us to meet and meet her fiancé and that he would never do that again that he loves me too much to put me thru that again.

He has within the past 3 days had no contact and very loving and sorry but I’m not sure. I know they were close friends but I’m scared it will go too far again. I told him no for now, I need time to heal. I’m hurt; I tried to be so good. my sister told me that I should have had more sex with him and make it more interesting and fun, so I did no matter how hurt I was, no matter how bad I didn't want to touch him a did, now I feel like all that suffering all that putting my feeling aside and making him satisfied was for nothing. I can’t do anything now; I don't want to have sex with my husband now even when I want to, after this past week.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You gave him a second chance he blew it. You have hard evidence of his true character in the emails, the back and forth etc. Advise her fiance of the inappropriate relationship they are having. Cut him off, have no contact, move on. After a blown second chance, there will be numerous more. It's too much agony to go through this over and over again. He has no respect for you nor himself. Go through the pain of it now, don't look back and please don't set up yourself to keep going through this for the rest of your life. You know the score, take the time to accept it and only you can be the most kind and gentle to yourself right now. Get IC for you, you have been traumatized.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Your sister doesn't know what she is talking about.


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## justputonasmile (Feb 22, 2013)

I don't want to leave him, I don't want a divorce. I'm not a quiter. I want to fix it. Don't tell me to leave, give me advice to make my marriage last. He doesn't want a divorce or for me to leave either. He has a problem. I just don't know how to make this work. He has been in therapy, but it's not really helping. I need advice how to heal our relationship and to make it strong again. I didn't get married to throw it away. I said I do for better or worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

justputonasmile said:


> I don't want to leave him, I don't want a divorce. I'm not a quiter. I want to fix it. Don't tell me to leave, give me advice to make my marriage last. He doesn't want a divorce or for me to leave either. He has a problem. I just don't know how to make this work. He has been in therapy, but it's not really helping. I need advice how to heal our relationship and to make it strong again. I didn't get married to throw it away. I said I do for better or worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your sister is full of it. Rewarding bad behaviour engourages bad behaviour and will help him to rationalise what he has done/is doing.

The ball is in his court, he is the one who has to fix this. The only thing that you can do is set down clear parameters for the reconciliation. He has to believe that he will lose you if he continues to behave in this way. If he doesn't he won't be motivated to stop.

Good luck.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

justputonasmile said:


> I don't want to leave him, I don't want a divorce. I'm not a quiter. I want to fix it. Don't tell me to leave, give me advice to make my marriage last. He doesn't want a divorce or for me to leave either. He has a problem. I just don't know how to make this work. He has been in therapy, but it's not really helping. I need advice how to heal our relationship and to make it strong again. I didn't get married to throw it away. I said I do for better or worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dear justputonasmile,

Here are some resources that you may find helpful:

http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Do-I-Get-My-Husband-Back?&id=1393725

How I Saved My Marriage

How to Save Your Marriage -- Avoid These Harmful Behaviors

Saving Your Marriage

I think the first two are most relevant to your immediate situation. Their advice is to become more independent, self-confident and attractive in order to (1) show your WH what he stands to lose and (2) see you in a new, better light.

Hope this helps.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Just out of curiosity...did your sister mention that because your husband gave lack of intimacy as an excuse?

Something is missing here. 3 months after getting married a man should still be floating on air with all of the crazy kinky things he's doing with his new wife. Unless he's got serious issues, I can't see why he'd feel the need to go to her?


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## karmah (Feb 21, 2013)

What marriage is there to save? You being some immature man's doormat while he cake eats? Newsflash, people who love and respect their partner don't solicit sex from ex partners. And then continue talking to them while their partner begs and pleads for them to stop.

Start MC immediately.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Request. I know you are upset but please hit carriage return a bit on your first post and break that thing up into a few paragraphs.

Rough bio in ages? kids? 

Bluntly he is dissing you hardcore and attacking not just your heart but your ego as well. He does not respect you and seems to know he can do whatever the heck he pleases. You are already an insanely lucky person that that girl has better boundaries than your husband does. 

He may well have done other EA/PA's already. My spidey senses are tingling.

I'm not known here as subtle so forgive the blunt: You are at a crossroads and you have three paths in front of you. 

The first one is the narrowest and LEAST likely is you are nice and he suddenly respects you. Put those odds about the same as winning the pick 4 tonight. 

The second path is you make him choose you AND agree to NO contact with full monitoring with divorce filed if he does it again. NEVER make a threat you won't carry out. Also add in MC.

The third path is simply divorce him.

I shake my head sadly as I know which one you will pick and I will see you here again in 1 month, a year, maybe three. Perhaps with a/more kid(s). Your dating value is decreased to find a truly worthy man who will at least effing respect you. WHEN THAT HAPPENS, dont be afraid to come back then. I wont ever say I told you so. Our goals here are support. 

This place has the same old same old every day. Same script. New poster. HE IS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR IN FRONT OF YOU AND FLAUNTING IT. Next comes, "Bye hon, Im horny and Im going to go screw my ex. Ill be back on Sunday." Think that cant happen??? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1467717-post710.html

Sorry. I'm as subtle as an atomic weapon.

Edit for heavens sakes dont have kids with him until at least 2 years of verified good behavior.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Please ppl.....paragraphs please. It gives me a headache trying to read something like that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read that reply from Gutpunch Invert the sexes (hes a he) The difference is his was physical and yours only emotional (For now)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

justputonasmile said:


> I don't want to leave him, I don't want a divorce. I'm not a quiter. I want to fix it. Don't tell me to leave, give me advice to make my marriage last. He doesn't want a divorce or for me to leave either. He has a problem. I just don't know how to make this work. He has been in therapy, but it's not really helping. I need advice how to heal our relationship and to make it strong again. I didn't get married to throw it away. I said I do for better or worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Try a different therapist (and keep trying until you find one who works). The problem is that cheaters lie and lie and lie while swearing they are telling the truth. It may be difficult to tell if he's one of those or not. 

While you may have meant "for better or for worse" you can't force him to have meant it. Or perhaps he just didn't mean the part about foresaking all others.

He is the one who needs to do the heavy lifting required to make this marriage work because he's the one who cheated. Keep that in mind.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

sister is nuts


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

long road ahead here.......


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

wonder if she bailed. Happens sometimes when they don't see the advice they want to see. 

I honestly hope Im wrong about her future... but, I doubt it


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

no the script is there......


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## justputonasmile (Feb 22, 2013)

i haven't bailed, just a long day.

he texted the ow that he cant talk to her, that he has to fix his relationship and more stuff and showed me the sent message.

sorry for no paragraphs i was upset and was just trying to at least make sense. 

no kids, early 20's. he has addiction problems, he has a porn addiction and he is in the therapy or porn and faithfulness. he has been doing great with the porn. started therapy that after i found out. 

i believe him straying is caused mostly by his porn problems because he would only talk to her after he was looking at it for a while. (not assuming, but saw on his history) he has had this problem since he was young.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

justputonasmile said:


> i haven't bailed, just a long day.
> 
> he texted the ow that he cant talk to her, that he has to fix his relationship and more stuff and showed me the sent message.
> 
> ...


I think you should be blaming him, not porn. Millions of men and women use porn without being unfaithful.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

justputonasmile said:


> I don't want to leave him, I don't want a divorce. I'm not a quiter. I want to fix it. Don't tell me to leave, give me advice to make my marriage last. He doesn't want a divorce or for me to leave either. He has a problem. I just don't know how to make this work. He has been in therapy, but it's not really helping. I need advice how to heal our relationship and to make it strong again. I didn't get married to throw it away. I said I do for better or worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have two choices. You either leave your H (which you're not prepared to do) or accept the fact that:-


Your H had an EA with this woman

He tried to turn the EA into a PA

He has shown little or no remorse since you forgave him

He has continued to have contact with the OW

He will probably continue to have contact with the OW

The current EA is more than likely to turn into a PA at some stage

OP, you are teaching your H that he can do what he pleases with little or no consequences.


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