# My spouse doesn't try to fix problems



## Mac (Nov 11, 2009)

*Too Long Didn't Read (TLDR) section at the bottom.*

I'm newly married (a little over 2 months now) and I'm having a very hard time coping with the way my spouse has started acting, I don't know what to do.

Before we were married we only had one fight, now we fight nearly every day. 

Examples: 

1) Sitting on the couch watching twilight (I do it for her despite loathing it) and she starts going off about how hot Robert is and in the 3rd and 4th books they describe how ripped and hot Robert is and that she can't wait for those movies. I may be overly jealous but if I TELL her it's bothering me and she doesn't care what am I to do?

2) She will "one-up" everything I do. If she upsets me and I make any comment she'll make some comeback that is far worse and just aggravates the situation. She doesn't stop till she "wins". I can't play this game, it rips me apart. 

3) I was rubbing her foot and I rubbed it the wrong way and she yelled at me (not abusive, just unnecessary). This is just an example of her not TALKING to me, she just gets pissed off instantly. Again, no clue how to deal with this (I've told her to tell me but she doesn't listen)

4) She calls me a ********* (d-bag) when I stand up for myself and tell her how it is. *This drives me up the wall* and is the only time I've thought about telling her off. I'm ridiculously nice to her, I'd do ANYTHING to please her. I ruin my sleep schedule to see her, rub her feet/back, make her food, clean, drive all the way home on lunch because she said she wants to see me.

She doesn't seem to try to make it work. I don't think she respects me and I don't know how to get her to start trying. I can't figure out how to deal with her abusive attitude. _I am definitely not without flaws_. She walks all over me I guess but if I try the "hard love" treatment she just goes and one-ups me somehow. It's incredibly frustrating. Also, if things were peachy I'd be a lot more laid back, but since we're always fighting it's making my jealousy worse because I'm worried about what she might do next to one-up me. We're both faithful, I don't know how to get over my fear though (different topic lol).

I still love her and I'm prepared to do marriage counseling if necessary but I would prefer to avoid it. I've written her letters telling her how I feel but she just rebuts them. I may paint her as this horrible person but she really isn't or I wouldn't be posting here I'd be filing for annulment/divorce. 


*TLDR*:
I just don't know how to get her to see her flaws and _want to fix them_. Is counseling my only option?

Thanks in advance if you made it through this whole post,

Concerned Hubby


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Mac said:


> I'm newly married (a little over 2 months now) and I'm having a very hard time coping with the way my spouse has started acting, I don't know what to do.




And she was never like this before? Are you sure? Have you only just begun to tell her when she has made you upset?


<snip>


> Examples:
> 
> 1) Sitting on the couch watching twilight (I do it for her despite loathing it) and she starts going off about how hot Robert is and in the 3rd and 4th books they describe how ripped and hot Robert is and that she can't wait for those movies. I may be overly jealous but if I TELL her it's bothering me and she doesn't care what am I to do?


What is her reaction? 

Did you ask her how it would feel if you went on and on about how hot some woman was? 

She may think that because this is about a book, it can't hurt you. (Or is she saying how hot the character in the movie is?) How did you articulate how it made you feel?




> 2) She will "one-up" everything I do. If she upsets me and I make any comment she'll make some comeback that is far worse and just aggravates the situation. She doesn't stop till she "wins". I can't play this game, it rips me apart.


So you're saying she will throw something back at you that you've done and how it was worse, and so she gets a free pass?

If you acknowledge that what she says is true (don't argue with it) and that you regret having hurt her, what does she do? At that point you can say that you wish you hadn't hurt her and if you could, you would take it back. But because you cannot, you will try to do better during the rest of what you hope will be a very long relationship.

And now that you've established your regret, can she understand how she too, can hurt you? Does she understand that you have feelings and that creating new hurt in no way undoes the past?

I'd like to suggest that you nip this in the bud and get some books on fair fighting, read them, share them, and agree on some rules about expressing feelings in your home. You need to do this right away because I agree that you are off to a rocky start.



> 3) I was rubbing her foot and I rubbed it the wrong way and she yelled at me (not abusive, just unnecessary). This is just an example of her not TALKING to me, she just gets pissed off instantly. Again, no clue how to deal with this (I've told her to tell me but she doesn't listen)


Tell her you will not talk to her or be with her if she is going to yell. Walk away. NEVER engage her when she is like this.

(Again, therapy.)




> 4) She calls me a ********* (d-bag) when I stand up for myself and tell her how it is. *This drives me up the wall* and is the only time I've thought about telling her off. I'm ridiculously nice to her, I'd do ANYTHING to please her. I ruin my sleep schedule to see her, rub her feet/back, make her food, clean, drive all the way home on lunch because she said she wants to see me.


Stop being her slave if she won't treat you with the respect you deserve under the LOVE, HONOR and CHERISH clause of marriage.

She wouldn't treat her best girlfriend the way she treats you, would she? Does she believe that because there is a ring and a promise that you are stuck with accepting this kind of abuse? If so, she has missed a very important divorce statistic. 

Remember : Major difference between being a nice guy and a doormat. Never, EVER allow someone to treat you without respect because you train people how they're allowed to behave with you. Boundaries are super important.

If she name-calls or yells, tell her she owes you an apology and if she isn't forthcoming, walk away. No more Mr. Nice Guy and no more trying to win her favor because it isn't working.

Other'n'that, how's sex?




> She doesn't seem to try to make it work. I don't think she respects me and I don't know how to get her to start trying. I can't figure out how to deal with her abusive attitude. _I am definitely not without flaws_. She walks all over me I guess but if I try the "hard love" treatment she just goes and one-ups me somehow. It's incredibly frustrating. Also, if things were peachy I'd be a lot more laid back, but since we're always fighting it's making my jealousy worse because I'm worried about what she might do next to one-up me. We're both faithful, I don't know how to get over my fear though (different topic lol).


You're on the right track -- she does not respect you. Teach her to.

She's tougher than you and that's why she can get away with this. Toughen up, man!

You shouldn't be jealous of her. Imagine 5 years of this treatment. Now imagine 10 years. You'll be the one who is biting your own arm off to get away from her... or you'll cheat just to get her back.

If she cheats, you have lost nothing but a woman who doesn't know how to love her man. YOu are the one SHE should be worried about. She just doesn't have the maturity or experience to know it yet.



> I still love her and I'm prepared to do marriage counseling if necessary but I would prefer to avoid it. I've written her letters telling her how I feel but she just rebuts them. I may paint her as this horrible person but she really isn't or I wouldn't be posting here I'd be filing for annulment/divorce.


Yes, counseling. But FIRST for yourself so you can learn how to toughen up. Then invite her in. You've made some errors by fighting back. You don't escalate. You stick to exactly the topic that you raised. REFUSE to go circular or non-linear with her. She's acting like a spoiled teenager. 

DO NOT ENGAGE A SPOILED TEENAGER.

It takes two to argue. Don't be that second party.


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

Hi Mac! The key to all of this is how you said you just don't know how to get her to see her flaws and to try to fix them. You just can't change other people, but you can change yourself.

Counseling would certainly be the best option for you at this point as the communication in your marriage sounds like it's the biggest problem. You are not feeling heard, and your needs aren't being met. She might feel the same way. I know you prefer to avoid counseling, but your other efforts aren't working and you just can't fix anyone else. With counseling, perhaps she would discover that she needs to fix herself and you can also find ways to help as well.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She will discover that the defensive behavior she exhibits comes from somewhere, too, and that the behavior will create any situation that she believes in her warped thinking, it will avoid.

What's her background? Only child? Abused child? She probably has low self-esteem and by comparison, you make her feel powerful. She's got to learn that her coping mechanism doesn't work, long-term. It drives people away. It won't keep her safe and it certainly won't prevent you from leaving her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You are acting weak. When she is being ugly just walk away and give her the silent treatment until she apologizes. It will probably take a few days - maybe a week the first time. But if you keep acting like her little biotch - she is going to keep losing respect for you. Why did you two get married?

And stop doing all this extra nice stuff - until she starts treating you like an equal. She is acting like she married someone beneath her. And you are letting her. 





Mac said:


> *Too Long Didn't Read (TLDR) section at the bottom.*
> 
> I'm newly married (a little over 2 months now) and I'm having a very hard time coping with the way my spouse has started acting, I don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

BTW, you have to accept and be ready for things to get worse before they get better. She will push back when you challenge the status quo. So you have to hold firm that things will improve but only if you stay the course. If you fold, you have to start again. So try not to fold because it will only take that much longer for you to get her to wake up. Or, you might lose the battle completely.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I would just like to recommend (again on this board) that you read 
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is wonderful!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> You are acting weak. When she is being ugly just walk away and give her the silent treatment until she apologizes.


boo! dont give the silent treatment. especially when you are angry. its mean and vengeful. my H used to do that to me and it hurt me so much. It only made things worse. 

You do have to protect your heart though and communicate your feelings. if words arent working then appropriate action is always better. ive read a lot about boundaries to deal with my unmotivated spouse. i wanted to change him and control him, but you just cant. you can only change how you react to the situation and try to influence them in a way that will give you the best response in return. 

so try googling boundaries, looking up some websites or books, and see if that doesnt help.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I never START with the silent treatment. I explain that I am upset and why. And I do it in a normal voice - not loud and not nasty. But if she escalates - and sometimes she does - I am done talking. I refuse to be drawn into an ugly back and forth with someone who is being unkind and then acting like a bully when they get called on it. So I just stop talking. If they want to raise it later and be calm and rational and discuss it - I am fine with that. But if you let someone bully you - you are lost. 





Blanca said:


> boo! dont give the silent treatment. especially when you are angry. its mean and vengeful. my H used to do that to me and it hurt me so much. It only made things worse.
> 
> You do have to protect your heart though and communicate your feelings. if words arent working then appropriate action is always better. ive read a lot about boundaries to deal with my unmotivated spouse. i wanted to change him and control him, but you just cant. you can only change how you react to the situation and try to influence them in a way that will give you the best response in return.
> 
> so try googling boundaries, looking up some websites or books, and see if that doesnt help.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> I never START with the silent treatment. I explain that I am upset and why. And I do it in a normal voice - not loud and not nasty. But if she escalates - and sometimes she does - I am done talking. I refuse to be drawn into an ugly back and forth with someone who is being unkind and then acting like a bully when they get called on it. So I just stop talking. If they want to raise it later and be calm and rational and discuss it - I am fine with that. But if you let someone bully you - you are lost.


oh ok, ya. that makes more sense. i think its important to explain why you are upset, why you are going to withdrawal, and what they can do to talk to you again. when i withdrawal I also have to explain to my H that im not doing it to punish him, or anything like that. takes the power struggle out of it.


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