# Need Advice-Long Story!



## Trojans1980 (Mar 19, 2015)

Hi all,

I just wanted to reach out and get some of my feelings out there and solicit opinions.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two young children. Once our children were born, I felt like I was bearing more of the load around the house. Doing laundry, dishes, etc. I take care of the kids in the morning (my wife goes to the gym, but gets home in time to make lunches). I think I bear the brunt of house work in addition to being the main provider. My wife works part time, but I am the bread winner.

We had some rough years, and during those years my wife had some affairs. There is a long history there, and it almost ended our marriage, but my wife got into counseling and was making progress. I got to a point where I was able to let go of all of the pain from the affairs and forgive. We had a week or two where we were really close and things seemed great.

Then over the last week or two, my resentment has come back. I feel like my wife is not as engaged with the family as I am and it is wearing on me. My wife to me sometimes seems selfish and self-centered. For example, the other day I was grumpy because I was feeling resentful. I was quiet and withdrawn all day. My wife asked my what was wrong and asked if it was her. I told her I didn't know. She texted me later and told me that I hurt her feelings. It was all about her and her feelings, not my feelings. So I had to apologize, even though I was the one that was hurting. I feel like I always have to apologize and my wife never apologizes.

I am not sure what to do. Things are fine when I swallow my pride and let it all go. But when my resentment starts to build up, then we start to have problems. We have talked about these issues at length but it doesn't seem to sink in.

There are other issues we are dealing with. I feel like we have a hard time communicating. We have different priorities with our kids. I feel like we all make a lot of sacrifices for her, and she doesn't express enough appreciation for it. Her multiple affairs would have been a deal breaker for most others, but I have forgiven her and have tried to be very supportive. And I just feel like she is taking that for granted.

In any event, those are just some of my thoughts and issues right now. I'd be interested to hear any comments/perspectives. We tried couples counseling a few months ago but that was mostly focused on the affairs and only lasted a few sessions.


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tough situation Trojan. Your wife sounds like a narcissistic individual. It sounds like it's time for you to live your own life for you and your kids. Too many men these days are letting their wives get away with abhorrent behaviors. Your wife having multiple affairs is unfair to you and your kids. Then, she wants to flip the blame back at you and make it all about her. 

Do your own thing, if she wants to join you, she will. Also, let her do some of the housework.


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I cant see your marriage (if you can call it that) lasting. She seems to have broken every rule in the book. What you should do seems obvious so I wont spell it out. Since you have two young kids the quicker the better.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It doesn't sound like you've actually forgiven her if you still have resentment. What's your definition of forgiveness? What has she done to assure you she won't be unfaithful again?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sounds like you never really dealt with the affairs. How many did she have? How long did they last?

You need individual counseling to sort out whether or not you can get past her multiple betrayals. Do you trust her at all now, or is it always in the back of your mind that she will cheat again?

Frankly, you are shouldering quite a burden for the family while she runs off to the gym. It sounds very lopsided. She needs to step it up, but selfish people never really seem to "get it".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Detach and work on your issues. You are bottling up the issues and holding resentment. If you have not openly communicated in a clear concise manner, then you need to do so. What you are doing is passive-agressive.

If she does not follow through with action, then you should start the process of separating.

Anyways, you need to work on your coping method because any other relationship you enter, you will most likely perform the same behavior.

So, focus on you and the children, and let her focus on what she needs to do in order to stay with you. Btw, you want to stay detach for about 6 months to a year to make sure that she is capable of holding up her end.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Some affairs???? So you mean 2,3,4...not that it matters much but were they physical affairs or emotional?

Your doing this all wrong. First of all stop apologizing right now. You are feeding her selfish ego. She put all the blame on you for what she did. 

Are you 100% sure she no longer talks to these guys or is not talking to more guys. She goes to the gym by herself and you stay home and do chores and watch kids. NO!!!

I also don't see this marriage lasting if it keeps going like this. 

Your wife is a serial cheater. She needs attention from multiple men to feel attractive. And YOU are saying sorry for having resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trojans1980 (Mar 19, 2015)

I should clarify. The resentment is not from the affairs. I have moved past that now. The resentment is from feeling like she is not shouldering her fair share of the load, etc. I really think I have moved past the affairs. I am past the hurt and pain of that and I feel like I have forgiven her. I don't bring them up or try to make her feel guilty about them. My biggest problem is feeling overwhelmed and stressed from work and not feeling like I am getting the help and support I need at home. Plus, there are communication issues, family issues, etc.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

When she asked you why you were sullen and withdrawn, why did you lie to her? You clearly knew why.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".


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## Trojans1980 (Mar 19, 2015)

I wasn't honest when I was sullen and withdrawn because I didn't want her to get defensive. I know she would be very upset if I told her she was the reason I was upset. It is a very delicate balance. I probably should have been more open with her but I was afraid of her reaction.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Then how would she know if her actions are not what you envision if you're too afraid to tell her? I'm not just talking about this one instance. 

I second reading the book Thor recommend. Here, No More Mr Nice Guy. Don't be put off by the title.

Have you had counseling for yourself or relationship?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Trojans, 

While you say you have moved past on those affairs i suspect that on some level you haven't, or to the point she has not lived up to her end of the bargain in this marriage doing what she should or agreed to do when all of this came out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Trojans1980 said:


> I wasn't honest when I was sullen and withdrawn because I didn't want her to get defensive. I know she would be very upset if I told her she was the reason I was upset. It is a very delicate balance. I probably should have been more open with her but I was afraid of her reaction.


She has to own her reactions to whatever you tell her. It is your truth that you were upset and thinking back to her affairs. It isn't your responsibility to shield her from the consequences of her affairs. If it hurts her that you are still upset, that is her consequence to deal with.

On any other topic, you should bring up your truth and view of it. Her reaction is not your responsibility. If she has a bad reaction, that can be dealt with separately.

She treats you the way you teach her to. If you teach her it is ok to be reactive to you when you simply speak your feelings, that is what she will do. So to re-train her you are going to have to push her into discomfort. Hopefully she learns it isn't the end of the world and that you can get through the difficulty. My guess is her response is the way it is in order to shut you down and avoid a difficult discussion.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm saying this as a woman who was a wayward wife in my first marriage just to let you know where I'm coming from.

Your wife is selfish. Period. She absolutely should be doing more of the household chores, childcare, etc. and should schedule her gym time when chores are complete and the kids are settled down and either napping or otherwise occupied.

What, exactly, has she done to make amends for the affairs? What has she changed about her routine and actions to make you and the family her priority?

If she hasn't done some serious heavy lifting, then you're in the same boat you've been in all along and nothing will ever change.

If she doesn't like it, tough cookies. She did terrible things that have long lasting consequences. Welcome to life. Now she has to deal with the damage she caused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Trojans1980 said:


> I wasn't honest when I was sullen and withdrawn because I didn't want her to get defensive. I know she would be very upset if I told her she was the reason I was upset. It is a very delicate balance. I probably should have been more open with her but I was afraid of her reaction.


You mentioned that there are communication issues, and this is it right here. You have to be direct and honest with her. Just see what her reaction is. If it's completely irrational, then ask to meet with a therapist with her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First this...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/256738-need-advice-wife-went-back-affair.html

...then this...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/273033-i-should-have-listened-you-all.html

...and now...

THIS.

Ugh. I see you're still not ready to listen.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The last thing you want to be is afraid of your spouse if you want a healthy marriage.

Who cares if she gets pissed off...she is her own person and it's her choice in how she react.

Your old lady doesn't give a shyt about the gift you have given her....if it was me I would take that gift of forgiveness back and tell her she needs to share the hose work or get the hell out.

Chicks dig confident guys....I'm pretty sure your old lady knows you don't have the confidence to let her @ss go so she continues to get away with all her bull crap.

The way I see it, your old lady should, at the very least, be washing her own dam clothes.

At the end of the day folks will take from you as long as they can get away with it, and they will continue to take as long as you let them......

You married a taker and not a giver.....sorry bro!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Sounds like you never really dealt with the affairs. How many did she have? How long did they last?
> 
> You need individual counseling to sort out whether or not you can get past her multiple betrayals. Do you trust her at all now, or is it always in the back of your mind that she will cheat again?
> 
> *Frankly, you are shouldering quite a burden for the family while she runs off to the gym.* It sounds very lopsided. She needs to step it up, but selfish people never really seem to "get it".


I think this guy is hearing his wife all wrong. She's not leaving the house to go to the "gym".

_She's leaving to go see *"Jim"*._


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