# my mother-in-law has to go,why can I let go?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I am creating a new thread, I originally was in the mens forum section due to my husbands infidility with other men. We are now seperated and I need to analyze why my mother in law irritates the hell out of me!!!
How can a family live in denial and non-communication when there is an obvious problem with a child?
How can a mother that has been told by her daughter-in-law that her son has had sex with men not try to talk to her son about this?
How and why would she want me to forgive this behaviour when I have tried everything under the sun to get to the root of our lack of emotional intimacy problems?
Did she create the man with no empathy?
Did she create and enable the boy to man with the ability to lie and deceive his way through life?
Could this be why I can't stand how they don't talk when there is a problem? This is what he was taught?
Don't talk about it...just keep praying and it will all go away.
Stay in a marriage because "you said your vows in front of God" does this allow any behaviour in marriage to be condoned and forgiven because you marry "til death do you part".????
I am begining to realize that his parents are the real reason that he is the way he is today. Namely emotionally closed and unable to confide truly in an other human being. 

Why does my mother-in-law have such a hold on me?
How can I let her go?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

She's going through her own denial stage Amanda. I agree chances are your husband WANTED to be heterosexual due to his upbringing. Conservative Religious parents like his will refuse to accept a homosexual child. They look upon being homosexual as a illness/disease not a simple another state of being. He probably suppressed his desires in order to try and be normal and good. He himself probably felt being homosexual was a sin/nasty/bad. He tried to delude himself, but after a time he could just no longer do it. Unfortunately this is a scene reenacted many, many times in this country from homosexual people. 

The worst part of it all is the pain it causes the person and their spouses from them trying to live a lie. I am in no way trying to excuse your husband for what he did amanda. Just trying to help you see his reasons for doing what he did.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Yes I get all that but why don't they talk about things? when I told her I was leaving her son because of his homosexual behaviour her first response was that she LAUGHED??? and then she continued to berate me by saying that I must be leaving because I have another man, and then she said I was back to school for the past year because I have been skeeming (sp?) for more financial support if I left. and then she said that I have probably not been an angel myself and her son never talked poorly about me...her immediate response was to judge and berate ME! Was this not cruel????
She is so mean...if my son's wife ever came to me with this I would be talking to him in a heart beat.
They will all deny this even happened and piant me to be the crazy wife....it is so hurtful


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> Yes I get all that but why don't they talk about things? when I told her I was leaving her son because of his homosexual behaviour her first response was that she LAUGHED???


Because her religious views will not allow her to accept her son is a homosexual. She is in absolute and utter denial. Her world view will not allow her to accept her son is one of the "unclean".



amanda1959 said:


> and then she continued to berate me by saying that I must be leaving because I have another man, and then she said I was back to school for the past year because I have been skeeming (sp?) for more financial support if I left. and then she said that I have probably not been an angel myself and her son never talked poorly about me...her immediate response was to judge and berate ME! Was this not cruel????


I agree its very cruel and wrong. But because of her deep religious views since her son cannot be the problem that only leaves one person, yourself. So she has to find ways to blame you for the divorce in order to keep with her skewed world view. It will always be your fault with her until she is able to accept (If she ever IS able to accept) that her son is homosexual.



amanda1959 said:


> She is so mean...if my son's wife ever came to me with this I would be talking to him in a heart beat.
> They will all deny this even happened and piant me to be the crazy wife....it is so hurtful


She probably isn't mean, she's just hurting really badly herself. Think about it like a trapped animal. When it's wild and free it may be kind and gentle. But when it's trapped and in pain it will react with violence, etc. Part of her knows the truth, but she's fighting with all of her strength to not accept it. She's painted herself into a corner and she's desperately trying to find a way out of it. She very well may never accept her son is homosexual and will blame you forever. But, she may work through her issues and see the truth.

In the end, you cannot expect to have any normal relationship with her for the near future. You will have to acknowledge to yourself that she's going to be your "enemy" as long as she holds her views.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Yes like a caged animal us mothers will defend our children but somewhere down the line there is empathy for others. The combination of lack of compassion and the fanatical religous beliefs and all the hypocracy that goes with that makes me SICK!
Ofcourse I believe in forgiveness and I will forgive, but that doesn't mean I have to stay in a facade of a marriage. She will never grasp fully the pain I feel. I was with her son for 25 years! Once when my children were small my son called her a bad name and my father-in-law slapped him across the face. Her response was "it wasn't hard it didn't leave a bruise" and "he must have heard that word around your house and learnt it from you"...she was defending her husband for hitting my son across the face! She is an enabler. You see this woman sickens me to no end and she must be removed from my life along with my husband. I will have to GET OVER IT and rely on kinder compassionate souls for my healing. I have to let her go I know I will have to do some meditations around it.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> The combination of lack of compassion and the fanatical religous beliefs and all the hypocracy that goes with that makes me SICK!


I agree. I am a hugely spiritual person and I have what I feel is a very strong faith. Religion has generally turned spirituality and loving God and your neighbors into a mess. It's done a lot of good, I will say that. But, it also does a lot of harm. No man-made system is flawless. Fanatical religious beliefs are the hardest to counter. Those beliefs are what gave us the crusades, salem witch trials, 9/11, suicide bombings, etc. 



amanda1959 said:


> Ofcourse I believe in forgiveness and I will forgive, but that doesn't mean I have to stay in a facade of a marriage.


I agree 100%.



amanda1959 said:


> She will never grasp fully the pain I feel.


No person can ever fully grasp the pain another person feels. We all feel pain through our own different ways. For now, she may not understand why you are in pain. One day though, maybe she will understand it. Never give up the hope of someone opening their eyes to what God is trying to show them. While IMO God never forces, he can sure be darn persistent! 



amanda1959 said:


> Once when my children were small my son called her a bad name and my father-in-law slapped him across the face. Her response was "it wasn't hard it didn't leave a bruise" and "he must have heard that word around your house and learnt it from you"...she was defending her husband for hitting my son across the face!


Maybe she wasn't defending her husband, but defending her son. She couldn't accept that her own son could call her a bad name on his own. In her reasoning she had to process that event through an acceptable filter. For her, it was easy to blame his bad mouth on you. That way, the mental image she had of her son in her mind could stay true.



amanda1959 said:


> She is an enabler. You see this woman sickens me to no end and she must be removed from my life along with my husband.


I don't know what the divorce agreements you will have are but she is still their grandmother and he is still their father. You may never be able to fully get them out of your life. But what you will need to do is learn how to work around it.



amanda1959 said:


> I will have to GET OVER IT and rely on kinder compassionate souls for my healing. I have to let her go I know I will have to do some meditations around it.


I do not know if you are spiritual or not, but praying sure helps me a lot. Many times we talk, talk, talk to God about what we want, etc. We very rarely though just sit and "listen" to see what God has to say to us. I've never heard the James Earl Jones "voice" of God. But many, many times I have had the right feelings and understanding come to me by just "listening".

I know you are hurt, upset and mad. Right now, those are very valid, true and okay feelings Amanda. Don't bottle it up, but don't let it rule you either.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

yes I am listening to a very strong force...i know what i am doing...i have to stop resisting and do what the force is telling me to do...it is not in a church...it is in my heart. I have no idea why this is happening I will have to trust it is for my higher good ultimately because everything is...thank you, you are so kind to speak with me


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