# My wife doesn’t want sex



## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Hi, basically me and my wife have been having a crappy year, we have been to marriage counselling and both admitted we do love each other and want to work things out, I have made her feel numb over the last few months, now she will only let me have a peck and a cuddle on her terms, we share the same bed, but if I try anything more than peck she rolls over or shuts it down, now we used to have sex every other day or daily, now is the 9th where we haven’t, I’ve always struggled thinking she doesn’t find me sexually attractive now this is eating away at me terribly any advice?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill online.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Check your phone bill online.


She’s not speaking to anybody or anything like that, she’s goes to work and comes straight home so it can’t be nothing like that


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Have you checked? If not then you really don’t know.

it’s best to rule that out. Takes 10-15 minutes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most systems you can download and sort. Texts and calls.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Have you checked? If not then you really don’t know.
> 
> it’s best to rule that out. Takes 10-15 minutes.


She uses social media more than texts and there is no way I can get into them, the only way is to get on her phone but I don’t know the passcode


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Does she guard her phone? Keep it close, etc?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do you have access to the online bill?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Do you have access to the online bill?





Marc878 said:


> Does she guard her phone? Keep it close, etc?


She leaves her phone lying around, I just don’t know the passcode to access it


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do you have access to the online bill ???????


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Do you have access to the online bill ???????


Yes there is nothing on there, if there was anything it would be on Instagram or Facebook messenger


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Hi, basically me and my wife have been having a crappy year, we have been to marriage counselling and both admitted we do love each other and want to work things out, I have made her feel numb over the last few months,
> 
> *Somethings up. You don’t appear to know what’s going on.*
> 
> now she will only let me have a peck and a cuddle on her terms, we share the same bed, but if I try anything more than peck she rolls over or shuts it down, now we used to have sex every other day or daily, now is the 9th where we haven’t, I’ve always struggled thinking she doesn’t find me sexually attractive now this is eating away at me terribly any advice?


*You don’t have enough info other than there is a problem. Unless you elaborate some no one going to be able to help.

Do you know what’s driving her actions?*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Yes there is nothing on there, if there was anything it would be on Instagram or Facebook messenger


No odd calling or texting data/numbers ?

Is she facebooking using instagram a lot?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

No nothing out the ordinary what’s so ever, we’ve had a crap few months I was speaking to a coworker which she didn’t like and ended up lying about it in the end, but it was only friendship, she just says she feels nothing at the moment and feels numb that’s why she won’t be intimate


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> No nothing out the ordinary what’s so ever, we’ve had a crap few months *I was speaking to a coworker which she didn’t like and ended up lying about it in the end, but it was only friendship*, she just says she feels nothing at the moment and feels numb that’s why she won’t be intimate


If there was nothing to it then you wouldn’t have needed to lie about it would you? That’s the mark of an emotional affair (secretive, lying to conceal).

“We’re just friends“ is perhaps the biggest lie told. Your wife is probably upset at your behavior and is acting appropriately.

Unless I’m missing something.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> If there was nothing to it then you wouldn’t have needed to lie about it would you? That’s the mark of an emotional affair (secretive, lying to conceal).
> 
> “We’re just friends“ is perhaps the biggest lie told. Your wife is probably upset at your behavior and is acting appropriately.


We have been to marriage counselling about and I have explained to her about it all and how it was just purely friendship as we have had a difficult 3/4 years, we have had sex since she’s said she feels numb which was 9 days ago but since she now refuses point blank


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Joshsmith28 said:


> she just says she feels nothing at the moment and feels numb that’s why she won’t be intimate


Well, she will need time to recover from that. You have hurt her and she is in recovery mode. It will take some time. Sounds to me she a person who needs to be emotionally connected and she doesn't feel she is connected to you right now. Be patient. Be nice to her and it will come back (hopefully)...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> We have been to marriage counselling about and I have explained to her about it all and how it was just purely friendship as we have had a difficult 3/4 years, we have had sex since she’s said she feels numb which was 9 days ago but since she now refuses point blank


Do you recognize the damage this caused? Why lie if it was just “friends”?

Once you break trust it’s hard to get it back. That a big part of any marriage.

What would you think if the shoe was on the other foot?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Well, she will need time to recover from that. You have hurt her and she is in recovery mode. It will take some time. Sounds to me she a person who needs to be emotionally connected and she doesn't feel she is connected to you right now. Be patient. Be nice to her and it will come back (hopefully)...


She keeps telling me just to give her space and not to be to kiss and cuddly with her, she has said at counselling she has no plans to leave, maybe you are right and I just need to give her time as hard as it is, she still gets naked in front of me to fake tan which torments me


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If she asks for space you’d better back off. Chasing (which is what you’re doing) always pushes them farther away. Better wake up because you are the culprit here. Plus doing the needy/clingy is extremely unattractive.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Do you recognize the damage this caused? Why lie if it was just “friends”?
> 
> Once you break trust it’s hard to get it back. That a big part of any marriage.
> 
> What would you think if the shoe was on the other foot?


I totally understand what I’ve done and I’ve admitted that to her and to the marriage counselling,

she has messaged people before and throughout the marriage but I’ve never really been bothered as I trust her 100%

she never told me she was messaging people I just found out after a while


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Joshsmith28 said:


> she still gets naked in front of me to fake tan which torments me


This is a good sign, though. I know it's terrible in a way, but my wife wouldn't even do that when we were having problems. Give her space and don't be needy. It's difficult, but she needs some time to recover.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> This is a good sign, though. I know it's terrible in a way, but my wife wouldn't even do that when we were having problems. Give her space and don't be needy. It's difficult, but she needs some time to recover.


I am just struggling with the give her time and space as before all of this we lived in each other’s pockets and did everything together, put the kids to bed together, eat meals together, go to bed together brush our teeth together, literally everything together, now she wants space it’s really hard


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I am just struggling with the give her time and space as before all of this we lived in each other’s pockets and did everything together, put the kids to bed together, eat meals together, go to bed together brush our teeth together, literally everything together, now she wants space it’s really hard


I know! But if you keep pestering her, you will make it worse. This is what I did. We are divorcing now. Just be patient for a bit...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I am just struggling with the give her time and space as before all of this we lived in each other’s pockets and did everything together, put the kids to bed together, eat meals together, go to bed together brush our teeth together, literally everything together, now she wants space it’s really hard


If you knew this would push Her to leave permanently Would you still do it?

I have seen some so needy they can’t stop themselves. Don’t be one of those guys. You may regret it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I totally understand what I’ve done and I’ve admitted that to her and to the marriage counselling,
> 
> *she has messaged people before and throughout the marriage but I’ve never really been bothered as I trust her 100%*
> 
> she never told me she was messaging people I just found out after a while


She doesn’t trust you 100%. 100% trust in anyone is fool hardy..


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> She doesn’t trust you 100%. 100% trust in anyone is fool hardy..


Absolutely not I’d stop straight away if it would push her to leave, I just wish I had a reset button and could start it again, my problem is I suffer with anxiety and although she is here and I’ve heard her says she’s not leaving or planning to leave I still work myself up, i feel as soon as we have sex again that I will ease my anxiety but I understand why she is doing it


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix the past but if you want to preserve the future you’d better wake up.

She’s asked you for space. Under the circumstances you need to believe her. Don’t be your own worst enemy.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

I understand that just finding it difficult with us living in the same house and still sharing the same bed


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go your own way for a bit. Friends, family, take the kids outside Or to a park, etc by yourself.
I know this quarantine is an issue but you could take long walks or jog by yourself.

Independence is an attractive trait to have. Being dependent on anyone is a problem.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I understand that just finding it difficult with us living in the same house and still sharing the same bed


Can you move to another bedroom for awhile?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Can you move to another bedroom for awhile?


I have still been going to work and spending time with the kids as much as possible, letting her go to the shops, unfortunately no we don’t have another spare bedroom I have offered to sleep downstairs on the sofa but she says no


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don’t need her permission. She wants space. It bothers you to sleep with her so....


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> You don’t need her permission. She wants space. It bothers you to sleep with her so....


I think it's a bit too early for a confrontational approach at this moment.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I think it's a bit too early for a confrontational approach at this moment.


I’m just unsure what’s for the best to do, I know I’ve broken her trust but I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be ok and that we can mend this


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I’m just unsure what’s for the best to do, I know I’ve broken her trust but I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be ok and that we can mend this


Sometimes you have to be patient. I found it very difficult too. Maybe it's her way of "punishing you", making sure she gets her message through loud and clear.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Sometimes you have to be patient. I found it very difficult too. Maybe it's her way of "punishing you", making sure she gets her message through loud and clear.


I do worry that she has a plan in place where she is saving money so that she can leave but again this is just guess work, I’m a worrier and always have been, I’ve never seen myself as enough for her


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, insecurity is a relationship killer.

You should not tie your life to anyone totally. That smells like codependency.









Robert Glover No More Mr Nice Guy : Robert Glover : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Self Help



archive.org





Read up


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> I think it's a bit too early for a confrontational approach at this moment.


Its not a confrontation. It’s giving her more space which is what she’s asked for.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Joshsmith28 said:


> No nothing out the ordinary what’s so ever, we’ve had a crap few months I was speaking to a coworker which she didn’t like and ended up lying about it in the end, but it was only friendship, she just says she feels nothing at the moment and feels numb that’s why she won’t be intimate


So if you had let us know this extra bit of info in the beginning instead of wasting our time, it would have made me more trusting of you and I have NO intimate vows with you. You do not seem to understand the damage lying does especially in cases such as this. Nine days will not kill you, nor will nine months--or more. You have to re-earn her trust and attempting sex as before will not do it. 

GIve her the space she asks for. Where is your finesse? What is her love language?

Do you have a history of lying? Marc878 and others have given you excellent advice. It is likely that she does not find you sexually attractive at all right now--your fault. When you ask what she needs and still put your needs first, How do you think that feels?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Furthermore, using her as an anxiety med is crass--sounds so needy. Think about it. Work on being a good man and father and good things will come.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> So if you had let us know this extra bit of info in the beginning instead of wasting our time, it would have made me more trusting of you and I have NO intimate vows with you. You do not seem to understand the damage lying does especially in cases such as this. Nine days will not kill you, nor will nine months--or more. You have to re-earn her trust and attempting sex as before will not do it.
> 
> GIve her the space she asks for. Where is your finesse? What is her love language?
> 
> Do you have a history of lying? Marc878 and others have given you excellent advice. It is likely that she does not find you sexually attractive at all right now--your fault. When you ask what she needs and still put your needs first, How do you think that feels?


I am giving her the space, the problem with the intimacy is that since she said she was numb she was then intimate days later, this is what confused me, I don’t have a history of lying and neither will I lie again, I know I’ve got a lot of building of trust to do, and I will build, all my social media have been erased and will never come back, I’ve given my phone passcode to show my transparency, I’ve offered to move jobs,

her love language has always been the same as mine which is what I have been trying to do but it’s probably a tad to soon, I hate myself for the hurt and numbness I have caused her


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> She leaves her phone lying around, I just don’t know the passcode to access it


You might be well served figuring that out.
I understand your situation, but what assurance is there that she is not doing the same (or worse) via the net and social media?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> She keeps telling me just to give her space and not to be to kiss and cuddly with her, she has said at counselling she has no plans to leave, maybe you are right and I just need to give her time as hard as it is, she still gets naked in front of me to fake tan which torments me


She wants space? Give her miles.
I understand that you screwed up, but that doesn't mean that you need to put up with being tormented.
When that happens, give her more space.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I’m just unsure what’s for the best to do, I know I’ve broken her trust but I just want to hold her and tell her everything will be ok and that we can mend this


Because you are trying to instantly make yourself feel better. You will feel connected with holding and sex. Women have to feel safe and connect before they want to have sex. IF you push her she may even have sex with you to avoid confrontation but you'll do emotional damage if you push and push when she isn't ready. What are you doing to repair the relationship. Constantly pawing at her and having puppy dog eyes isn't the way.

So why did you lie to her? There is a difference between talking to someone and lying about talking to someone. It seems like you were getting too close to a coworker. Your spouse set an appropriate boundary. You instead of either discussing this boundary and how you think it is appropriate you lied because that was easier than either being honest with your wife or your coworker. Tell me if I got that wrong? 

It's obvious you don't truly understand how you've broken the bond. Women fall in love with words and deeds not sex. So you were spending time and words with a coworker. That relationship made your wife feel unsafe and then you lied about it. While it isn't the same as having sex how would she know if you did, you could just lie. I guarantee she is wondering if she's heard all the truth now.

You might need to explain this situation a little more so we can advise you on how to build trust back. Different couples have different boundaries. Me and my husband agreed long before it was even a twinkle in someone's eye that as a rule we would not spend long hours at work alone with a person of opposite sex. It isn't because either of us at the time had that situation it just seemed like an appropriate boundary. Other couple let their spouse go on vacation with people of opposite sex without them. I trust my husband but we both agree it is these innocent relationships that sneak up on you and can cause problems. We do lots to jealously guard our marriage against any outside attackers. It isn't a matter of trust it's a matter of common sense. IF you don't have long personal conversations with someone of the opposite sex you can't start to have feelings for them. 

What's her love language. How are you rebuilding trust? How far did this innocent talking go? How long? What topics were being discussed? Don't you and your coworker have things to do? Did it ever spill out of work like texting or calling?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

I lied because I was scared of the conflict cowardly I know,

i do know I can see the hurt i have caused, she looks a beaten woman which i really hate seeing, and the problem is it’s because I caused it, she has heard everything I’ve been completely honest with her,

we can communicate over everyday life, what’s for tea how are the kids and all of that, but as soon as I mention us she shuts down and says she doesn’t know how she feels emotionally she is empty and doesn’t feel happy or sad,

I have been trying to have conversations with her about any random stuff just to get the communication back,
As to re building trust I have given her every password I have deleted all my social media’s, the speaking to coworker went on for a couple of months, nothing out the ordinary just advice on the gym and how the kids are doing, there was a couple of phone calls, she got my number from the school gates as I am the caretaker and my number is on there for lock down purposes, the coworker also has a partner and child with him, on my behalf I was just trying to be helpful but in doing so ruined my wife’s trust


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> If there was nothing to it then you wouldn’t have needed to lie about it would you? That’s the mark of an emotional affair (secretive, lying to conceal).
> 
> “We’re just friends“ is perhaps the biggest lie told. Your wife is probably upset at your behavior and is acting appropriately.
> 
> Unless I’m missing something.


It sounds like the OP was talking to a co-worker about W, a co-worker that W didn't like, and that the OP lied to the co-worker about something regarding the marriage. I wouldn't mind a little clarification on that myself. The wording is a little vague as to who did what.

ETA: Ok subsequent post makes it seem like co-worker is a female and W was under the impression there was something between OP and co-worker. Still not sure what the lie was.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I totally understand what I’ve done and I’ve admitted that to her and to the marriage counselling,
> 
> she has messaged people before and throughout the marriage but I’ve never really been bothered as I trust her 100%
> 
> she never told me she was messaging people I just found out after a while


Some clarification please, because your previous posts to this point are unclear. Di you have an affair, emotional or physical, with your co-worker? Or did you at least lie about something with the co-worker that made it seem like an affair even if nothing really happened?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I am giving her the space, the problem with the intimacy is that since *she said she was numb she was then intimate days later*, this is what confused me, I don’t have a history of lying and neither will I lie again, I know I’ve got a lot of building of trust to do, and I will build, all my social media have been erased and will never come back, I’ve given my phone passcode to show my transparency, I’ve offered to move jobs,
> 
> her love language has always been the same as mine which is what I have been trying to do but it’s probably a tad to soon, I hate myself for the hurt and numbness I have caused her


Wait! So she didn't want sex for a while, and then she did, and then she didn't again, all after the whatever incident? Dude you are throwing out bits and pieces of information that ends up changing the implied story each time you do.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I lied because I was scared of the conflict cowardly I know,
> 
> i do know I can see the hurt i have caused, she looks a beaten woman which i really hate seeing, and the problem is it’s because I caused it, she has heard everything I’ve been completely honest with her,
> 
> ...


At this point what the two of you need is counseling. There are marriage councilors who are working online with Zoom and other such services. Trying to do this yourselves is probably going to do more damage, especially if you are acting co-dependent.

The other thing to think about is, is she the type that is going to be suspicious of every female you have a relationship of any type with, even if it is only a business relationship? Is that why you lied about the co-worker in the first place? If that is the case, then you have to ask yourself if that is a good marriage for you. I am not thinking of post incident, but rather pre-incident. If she was suspicious of other females in your life before you lied about that co-worker, then the problems may extend beyond the lying incident. This is one of the reasons that you need to seek professional help.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The phone calls are a little weird. Don't you see it is weird this co-worker went your place of employment to get your phone number to call you. And it is suspicious that you spent time talking with her and felt it necessary to lie to your wife about it for months. You chose her over your wife. You might not have thought anything about it. Though if you are being honest with us you would have to say you like the attention. 

It doesn't matter that she has a partner. This is just standard beginning of emotional affair.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> It doesn't matter that she has a partner. This is just standard beginning of emotional affair.


In many relationships an emotional affair can be just as harmful as a physical affair. One problem being is that those involved in an emotional affair may not even realize it or fully understand that harm that it can cause. 

In my opinion the original poster will need to allow some time to pass and just don't do anything stupid in the meantime. Trying to make up for it will only validate his wife's fear that something even worse was going on with this other person and make her withdraw even more. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I had my wife's co-workers giggling and commenting on "work wife" and "work hubby".... 
They all knew the score. It was not just "friends" or "coworker" status.
That being said, nipping it in the bud and doing a full 180 to shore up trust in your relationship is paramount. If she has moved on, then you need to also. Don't wallow in quagmire and dispair....


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