# Add me to the pile I guess.



## MissTeacher (Jun 29, 2015)

So I'm new here, hi. Just looking through the overwhelming amount of unhappy people here and it's really bringing me down...which is the opposite of what I had hoped! Lol. But that's ok. Anyhow, here's my sob story...which damn, I guess it's not much of one considering there's others going through MUCH worse...but it still sucks to be unhappy. 
So, my h and I met very young in college, got married at 22. We were our first everythings...I mean, we had gone out with other people, but come on, you can only really "date" a person to a certain extent in your teens. So now we're 33/34, have been married 11 years and I feel like it's slowly and painfully going downhill. We have 2 young daughters and that's a whole nother issue because since they've been born, it's spawned a whole new set of issues regarding parenting, etc. that I didn't know that I would ever have with him. We are two totally opposite people but we knew that from the start and never tried to change each other. In fact, it's good on some levels since we balance each other out. But for the past few years it feels like we live on different planets. It's not horrible. I still love him. He's a good guy. Sex is great. He doesn't cheat on me. But it's just not fun anymore. And I'm the kind of person that NEEDS FUN! And spontenaeity and the whole shebang I suppose. More so than I realized when we got married at 22. And he just doesn't need those things. He is content to just simply sit....and sit....and sit some more. He thrives on routine. I wish u could have looked into a crystal ball before we got married and told him, "Look. You're going to have to entertain me. It won't be fun for you. So leave while you still can." For example: He hates spending money. I'm cool with that. So I saw this goofy idea where for the next date night, you just get in the car, flip a coin for 20 minutes and heads it's right turn, tails it's left turn. Well we ended up going in a giant circle. I thought it was hilarious. He was miffed that we wasted the gas. I feel like every time I try, he shoots me down. I've tried to let him decide what we want to do on date nights but all I get is "Idontknowhatdoyouwanttodo". I've asked him if he would go to counseling but I don't know if we would have the time or money for that, although he is open to it. He admits he has flaws and I definitely know I do too. I just feel like I've tried everything to make things more exciting and I'm finding out it's just so difficult and frustrating when you've reached the point where you finish each other's sentences (and not in a cute way), know what the other is thinking about, where they are every waking moment, and are so connected it's almost stifling. Maybe we need time apart, but that's so difficult with kids and jobs and activities....Ughhhhhh.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi, sorry you are here... or at least that you are having problems like this.

Here's what I suggest. The only person you can change is yourself. So I suggest that be where you put your effort. As you change, he will have to change in response. You cannot control how he changes, but he will. Hopefully it will be in a way that leads to a more fulfilling marriage.

There are some books that I think will help you. They are cheaper than counseling and I think a lot better. Read them in the order listed below.

"Divorce Busting"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

"Love Busting"


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

A couple of thoughts, is his "I don't know, what do you want to do?" a protective response to you dissing his ideas for the night?

I went thru this with my wife. I was struggling with a stressful career, sick kids and a old house that constantly needed repair. I didn't know what my wife needed, but I knew she had complaints with me. 

Show him your post & ask him to create his own user account. 

Have him get some advice from the men on this site. But don't be surprised if you don't like some of the changes. He may more than step up to the plate & then be saying "Wife, I AM meeting your needs, now you need to work on meeting mine". It's always a two way street.

Your husband sounds like he wants to work on your relationship. He admits he has his own shortcomings. This is better than a lot of relationships where one partner is refusing to even listen to the other party. He's probably thinking to himself "WTH does she want from me, if I knew, I'd do it".

One more note - A person cannot MAKE someone else happy. That is entirely the responsibility of yourself only. Your "I need to be entertained" almost sounds like an "entitlement" mentality.

I'm not saying that as a couple, you should not be going out a date/movie nights without the kids. Or even just a walk together while kids are at grandma's. 

BUT - Your husband is not responsible for making you piss your pants happy every minute of the day. Part of it is the attitude you choose every morning to have.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't think what you are experiencing is all that uncommon. You were opposites before and it worked but now it doesn't. You have something special with is guy as he was your first everything. You will need to stop looking at your spouse for all things and maybe start reaching out to friends and meetup groups that like to do things your husband doesn't.

With that you also need to tell him your unhappy. Part of marriage is compromise so sometimes you are going to need to sit and do things with him he is interested in. In other times he needs to get off his ass and do things with you. Sometimes just making a list on areas you can compromise on helps everyone focus. Maybe start with that. But please TELL him that this is festering in you. Don't let this build to the point you check out of the marriage and it's too late and he has no clue.


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## MissTeacher (Jun 29, 2015)

Thanks for the suggestions! I will definitely take all of them. I've actually looked into some of those books and plan on reading them starting today.  And this is nothing new for us; we've already talked it over time and time again. And don't get me wrong at all--I am SO GLAD he is willing to work with me on things. But usually when we "talk it out" I end up doing all the talking and questioning because he says he can't put his feelings into words. I truly believe him because I know his personality, but I also know that we aren't happy and that makes me feel bad for him. I don't want him to be unhappy. And I do have a good group of girl friends that I always do things with. But then I feel guilty that I'm having fun and he's not. I know that's my issue not his...But again, it makes me unhappy to see him unhappy. Another thing is that he is somewhat shy and since we don't live in his hometown, he hasn't made many friends. We've lived in the same town for 8 years and he really only has 1 good guy friend that he met--and even that was through me. He refuses to spend money on himself to have just a little fun anymore, whereas I do these things routinely because I know if I don't, I will go crazy. I'm not saying go on a spending spree! But it's gotten to the point where I have asked him to PLEASE go play poker with the guys or go have just one beer! PLEASE! I know--it's my issue, not his, yada yada. But I'm not sure what else to suggest to him to try to help himself make him happy....Because I'm not sure he even knows. In fact he even tells me he doesn't know! Does that make sense?? But anyhow...off to go read those books.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

The 5 Love Languages book is similar to His Needs Her Needs, the quiz & ranking of needs helps each spouse meet each others needs. 

Your comment of - "But I'm not sure what else to suggest to him to try to help himself make him happy....Because I'm not sure he even knows. In fact he even tells me he doesn't know!" really speaks to me. Please feel free to have him private message me if he would like.

He & I could have a virtual beer together. He may welcome suggestions that come from someone other than his wife. 

I wish I could have had access to TAM about 20 years ago, would have saved me a lot of stress & heartache.


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## MissTeacher (Jun 29, 2015)

Thanks Frazzled. He and I didn't get a chance to talk last night so I will bring all of things up to him tonight.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Hmmm.. I do think you will benefit from reading those books EleGirl suggested. Once you start meeting each other's needs, things go much smoother and life is easier. Since he is so passive, I would suggest an activity (at first, go for low/no cost activities in your area- you can find some if you do some research.) I got into the "What do YOU want to DO?" circle before, and it is NOT fun (as you know!) 

Also, maybe convince him to splurge on FUN, EXCITING day trips- amusment parks, arcades, mini golf, bowling. Think of things you used to do and try to convince him it will be FUN to do them again. You are older now, but you aren't dead (make sure by checking his pulse while he is watching t.v. hehe.)

As for differing parenting styles, try to brain storm about some discipline/rearing techniques that you are BOTH satisfied with. Still, it is difficult. My hubby is the softy and I am the mean one, but he backs me up when he sees he needs to.

As for the no friends part, maybe he is an introvert and people drain him, or he may even feel he is stuck in a rut, or even getting depressed. If he feels he has to entertain you, he could feel like he will fail because he's lost himself. 

Maybe take the lead and he will follow? I know I am researching places to stay fora few days away, but if I left DH to do it, we would be sitting on the couch watching reruns of whatever is on the discovery/history channel. He takes care of other stuff I don't want to do, which I hope your DH does for you. 

Good luck on talking with him!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just heard about an app today called "HeroBoyfriend". Sounds like your hubby doesn't put much thought into how to keep working on your marriage; he thinks it'll just keep going no matter what. Maybe he could use a little help from outside the marriage.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

MissTeacher said:


> "Look. You're going to have to entertain me. It won't be fun for you. So leave while you still can."


First, let's agree this is your fault. He was this way before you married him. You knew you were high maintenance. You knew he wouldn't buy in and change but you married him anyhow. YOU'RE bad.

Now fix it. I go out with my friends weekly. She stays home watching TV. It works and we like it that way. And she doesn't even LIKE me. You claim to still love your husband. So love him the 90% of the time you're living like roommates. Entertain yourself the rest of the time. Simple.


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## MissTeacher (Jun 29, 2015)

Ok, let's get THIS straight. What I meant by "You have to entertain me" was "I would like to spend quality time with you." Sorry I misspoke and that came out wrong. If you knew me personally, you might think I was actually the most LOW maintenance female you've ever met. My husband has laughed many times over how many other wives we know who need to be constantly whisked away on expensive vacations, be bought jewelry or spend every waking moment with their husband. He has told me he is glad I'm not like that. Actually last night he told me this. All I'm talking about is that once in a while I would like to maybe sit and have a meaningful conversation with my husband that perhaps involves SOMETHING out of the ordinary. And I do go out and "entertain" myself without him. A lot. I have a several groups of friends that i go out with regularly, but that doesn't fill the void I feel with my husband. I hope that makes more sense. So, sorry if I came off like a bratty, entitled whiny little girl in the first post because that is not me.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Meetup.com

Pick something marriage friendly for yourself.


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