# My husband needs help



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Some of you may have read my other threads in Considering Divorce or Separation and Going through Divorce or Separation. I'm not going to go into a full background of that part, but some of it does still apply here of course.

My h and I have been married a year and a half. We've had sex 3 times since marrying. Sex life was ok before marriage. He won't initiate. Haven't had sex for over a year now. He didn't sleep in our bed for almost 10 months every night and off and on for about a year. My h is 37 and has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he doesn't see. He has shut them out of his life, and now they want nothing to do with him. They are in their early teens. I am 31 and this is my first marriage. No kids previously and no kids now. 

My h only talks to his dad. His mom was abusive and he only recently has completely shut her out of his life. She tried to ruin our wedding. His sister has also caused problems and is in the same boat as his mom. He gets along with his dad very well and he is supportive of our marriage.

I have told my h that I am leaving. But, because of circumstances, I can't leave until January. When he finally figured out I was truly ready to leave, he moved back in our bedroom, but that's all the closer he's gotten. At this point, we've spent more of our married life not touching than touching each other.

I've dealt with depression in the past (my 20's), but have had counseling and take medication and am doing very well the last 5 years. 

It's my h that I am worried about. I see so much of what I used to go through in him. And, I know that it's hard to see it when you are in that "black hole". 

He changed jobs before we married to live in the town where I work. He has a much better job now, boss is great, doesn't work all hours of the day and night. But, he makes less money. We don't have joint checking accounts, but we both pay for stuff. However, he seems to always be in the hole because he won't talk to me about his finances or let me know if he needs me to pay for something. He pays child support and it hasn't changed even though his job changed and he makes a lot less. He hasn't filled out the paperwork to see if he can change it because he just "knows" it won't go down. He works in agriculture, so he has down time in the winter, and I think that makes him depressed because he doesn't know what to do with himself. I've talked to him about getting a job for the winter, but he claims his boss won't let him. I'm thinking he just hasn't asked his boss at all, but that is his excuse.

My h saw a counselor a few times this past summer. Claimed he was "fixed", and quit going. We went to marriage counseling a few times as well, but it wasn't good. He has lots of things he needs to work through before we can work through things. He cried through all our sessions. Then he would talk the talk, but not go home and walk the walk.

Anyway, I am wanting to leave in January. He knows this. Last night he stayed on the couch and didn't sleep all night because he found he overdrafted in his checking account. He never talked to me about it. I found out this morning by finding the overdraft statement in the bathroom. He said he couldn't sleep all night and I could tell he pretty much cried all night. I've tried and tried for 2 years to get him to share these things with me, but he won't. When I tried to talk to him this morning, he cried more. We talked about this being one of the reasons I am leaving, and he says that he just "doesn't know how to open up to me." We talked about how I am 31 years old and i want a family and that is one reason I wanted to be married in the first place. All of a sudden he switched to a being a jerk and said, "Oh...poor you.....". This is why I can't even have a conversation with him about our marriage. I never know how he'll act about it. 

I know he's hurting, but I'm worried about him and I'm worried about leaving him. I know this marriage is not helping either of us, but he is so dependent on me (or so he thinks) that I'm not sure how he'll handle me leaving or what to do. He says he is going to go back to counseling. But, then he gets upset when I say I'm still leaving and says "Oh, that's really going to help me." I know that it's his way of trying to get me to stay and "help him", and I know I can't be responsible for him, but I still worry about him.

He's made suicidal comments in the past. But, never acted on anything as far as I know. But, he just shuts everyone out and then I worry about him not talking to anyone and being completely alone, especially in winter when he's not working much.

Not only does my h seem depressed, but he also has deep anger issues. This is actually something we did talk about in mc. The counselor said he had two emotions: really happy or really angry/sad. He never learned to express any other emotions when he was young. One example of his anger is the last time we went out together. We went for supper and drinks and to listen to a band. I tried to get him to dance to the music. When we do dance, we have fun. I even went out and danced by myself trying to get him to join. Instead, he got angry and left and went and sat in the car. His reason? People were "touching" him. Bumping into him and being rude and he was going to get in a fight with them if he didn't leave. I told him that he shouldn't let them control his emotions, just because they are rude. It's a bar.....but he was really angry and just sat in the car and we eventually went home and he never wanted to talk about it again. This has happened other times we've gone places, or shopping in Walmart. He gets really angry and nasty to me, but when I ask what is wrong, he wont say. Until later I find he was mad because people were being rude. It's like he just flips a switch.

So, if you are still with me...thanks for reading all of this. It's therapeutic to me to get it all out in words. 

I guess I'm asking for advice, support, knowing that someone else is going through the same thing. At this point, I don't know how to stay with him, unless I do see that he is truly working on getting help this next month. But, it's not fair to either of us to continue this marriage the way it is now. I don't know how to help him, but I don't know how to just go and not care and not worry and not blame myself for whatever happens.

Any suggestions of good websites or good books to read for me or my h would be appreciated as well.  Thanks!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Hugs to you. Tough situation, indeed.

I know it's probably been said already, but you can't save him or make him get help for his depression. He has to want to do it. 
Since you have been there yourself, you probably do have some good insight into it, though.

The only book I can think of that I have read that might help is by Dr. Phil (give it a chance). Self Matters. If either one of you can read it, it does help to give you the concept that you do have self esteem, after all. It's still there. Just have to let it shine through. 

I also like this book because it has practical exercises on how to deal with specific incidents in your past. An example is how to look at the way your mother treated you... and separate all those years of negative and destructive behaviors and actions and look at the facts instead. (I'm reading it again tonight for my own issues)

His aversion to crowded public places could be related to the depression. Dancing in public can be horrifying to some people if they have very low self esteem.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

deejov said:


> Hugs to you. Tough situation, indeed.
> 
> I know it's probably been said already, but you can't save him or make him get help for his depression. He has to want to do it.
> Since you have been there yourself, you probably do have some good insight into it, though.
> ...


I agree with what you've said and dancing in public can be horrifying. I didn't expect him to do it, just trying to get him involved. That wasn't the part that bothered me, it was the fact that he got upset about people "touching him" and that he can get so angry about just being out in public around strangers. 

I'd really like to find a book for him to read that can maybe open his eyes to some of the things that are buried so deep inside him.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Rose, the behaviors you are describing -- fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, enormous anger carried from childhood, pushing all loved ones away, and black-white thinking (flipping between loving and hating) -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

I therefore suggest you read my description of such traits in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If those traits sound very familiar, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Moreover, that post contains links to good books and a website devoted to partners of folks having strong BPD traits.

I caution that only a professional can determine whether your H's strong PD traits are severe enough to meet the diagnostic criteria for having a full blown disorder. I also caution that, if he actually does have a full blown PD, he likely also has at least one more also. Most people diagnosed with having one PD also are diagnosed with having one or two others too. I mention this because several of the behaviors you describe for your H also seem to match some traits of Avoidant PD (or perhaps even Schzoid PD).


> It's like he just flips a switch.


What you likely are seeing is black-white thinking, wherein the person categorizes everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad" because he cannot tolerate the gray area in between. That is, he cannot tolerate having to deal with ambiguities and strong mixed feelings. 

If your H is like that, he will frequently use the terms "always" and "never." And, in ten seconds, he will recategorize someone from one extreme (e.g., loving them) to its polar opposite based solely on a minor comment or innocent action or tone of voice. That is done because he cannot tolerate the ambiguity of placing that person in the gray middle ground.

B-W thinking and other BPD traits are discussed at the link above. It that discussion rings a bell, I would encourage you to see a clinical psychologist -- on your own without your H -- for a visit or two to obtain a professional opinion as to what you are dealing with. And I also would encourage you to read about such traits to see if they sound very familiar. Even if you decide to divorce him (as I did my exW), it may be prudent for you to know how to spot the red flags for these disorders. Please take care, Rose.


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