# I dont know what to do



## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I'm at my last resort. I caught my wife cheating on me Dec 6 2012. For the most part i was a emotional affair but i think the night i caught her it went physical. The guy she was talking to was just going through his wife leaving him so my understanding was he was vulnerable and was still into his wife but confused. My wife started chatting with him in think in October that's the farthest i was able to go back on all stuff i had access to. She tried to kiss him was but was reject by him. But she kept pursuing this guy and making him feel wanted. 

Ok now my issue, when i caught her she said she cut it off with him. I was not there to witness it, but she no longer has him friend-ed on face book and i no longer see any text messages from them. So only proof i have is her word. She has not once wanted to talk about this at all. She says her way to heal is to not talk about it. Covenant for her. I would try to accept this but there are times i cant so i try to talk about it and i get the same response. Each time i try to talk about it she get angrier and angrier each time saying i keep trying to relive this. 

During the first month we were sexual almost every night. But a few days later it would come back to me about what she did and poof once again brick wall. She always tells me she is not emotional and don't like to express her feelings. 

So 3 weeks ago i decided i got tired of hearing how emotional she says she is not and brought up the text messages i saw between her and the guy. She was emotional in those and had no problem expressing to him how she felt. She snapped, was all pissed about how i cant let this go. About 30 mins into this she finally opens up and tells me all the stuff i have done wrong for her to want to cheat. I do accept that i was not there for her emotional and i would turn down sex a lot due to stress and being tired from a labor job. I realize all the stuff i was doing to show her i love her wasn't enough. So we get through that. She has said this whole time that she wants to save are marriage. But since that blow up are sex has decreased to maybe twice a weekend which i have to initiate. If there is any contact i have to initiate. kisses, hugs, cuddling ect. She feel exactly the same as she did when she was having the affair but even more distant. She says she is walking on egg shells cause she is afraid what ever she says i take wrong and ill get depressed. which yes is true. But at this moment she will not talk about anything to do with her affair. Every time i try she gets agitated and its never the right time. So last night we had a good day, so i try to be intimate with her. Once again she says she is to tired. She has been saying this for 3 weeks now. We don't really have intimate kisses just quick pecks even when I'm trying to make love to my wife. Lately when we do its can you be quick or we have to throw in a adult movie, i think that's so she can get in the mood. So i get reject and of course i cant sleep, So i mention while laying there are you even still attracted to me. She says of course i am, your still my husband.

I have brought up counseling but it has to be convenient for her when we go. So we don't go. I don't know what to do, she has not done anything to regain my trust and when i tell her that i have a hard time trusting he,r she get agitated. It has hardly been 2 months and she thinks i should be over this and moving on. I cant, at this moment and the more it goes on this way the more i contemplate if she is just acting like she is making a effort and just waiting for me to pull the plug so she can go chasing after the guy she was getting attached to. Ive mentioned that and all she says i chose you. She does tell me she love me, but she would say that when she was texting this guy and having feelings for this guy. I have a 2 1/2 year old autistic child. So if i leave to separate, i feel like I'm leaving my child and leaving her to deal with him all alone. I'm afraid if i do leave for a while, she go crawling back to him. I so messed up, i don't know what to do. I feel like my wife is making little to no attempt. I could go on with stuff that i was unhappy about with her, which when we had the blow up i told her. But she has not shown any signs of changing any of that stuff. She just act like she has given up on life and is just living, and just wants things to go back to the way they were before she made her choice. Do i starting getting ready to divorce, do i keep fighting this pain I'm in and suck it up and bury it and live with it and hope she doesn't do this again. HELP. I'm half tempted to tell my wife's parents to watch my kid tonight and set her down and just let go on everything, we have kept everyone out of the loop but her best friend and a couple of my friends, but no one else knows. But i know deep inside this is gonna push her farther and possibly over the edge. I'm so screwed. I need advice badly or i might do something that will destroy what ever we have left to save. 

I am sorry for the poor grammar. please don't critique that i have other issues then grammar at this moment. Please feel free to ask questions, ill answer everything i can. I have left many things out to try to make this shorter. So please ask if you have question, and please help me.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1) Please for our sanity cut that thing up into more paragraphs. Edit button at bottom of posts. A few carriage returns will do wonders. As for grammar and spelling- dont worry about it. Not that bad anyway.
2) It is NEVER EVER the fault of the betrayed spouse for an affair. Blameshifting 101
3) Define the event that made you think it had "just" went physical. 
4) You refer to texts. Details a bit sketchy?? Define emotional etc.
5) Basic bio like ages etc
6) She is the pursuer... NOT good
7) How did you catch her. She SAYS she cut it off... uh huh. 30% chance. VAR the car at least. FB is not the only way to communicate.
8) She cheats and does not want to talk about it. I DON'T THINK SO.
9) Read up on the alpha beta thing on these boards. I detect a bit too much beta... You are not hopeless. I have seen worse. but still. Alpha up. Hit the gym. Improve you at the same time you improve your dating value. Women want men who other women want even if they can not have them.
10) Did you copy the texts and keep them?
11) Someone is going to post the standard list of demands. MAKE HER DO THEM!!!
12) IF (AND ONLY IF!!!!!) this was a one time thing. My gut is telling me there MIGHT be hope for reconciliation. AND THAT IS FREAKING RARE AS HELL FOR ME. My usual reaction is divorce the cheater and never look back. Heck my signature is of a guy who is my hero of the week. Don't go as far as he has... YET.
13) Use the threat of a polygraph and watch her reaction. That might tell you TONS. I am trying to remember who it was but he had an AWESOME trick. Wife swore it was only once or something. You see in a polygraph you only get like 2 to 3 yes or no questions. So the day before he writes down 25 questions with details like quantity when where etc... and makes her answer them on paper. Polygraph day. Question 1. Were you honest on the questionaire your husband had you fill out yesterday. She failed hardcore.
14) I see emotional manipulation. Not good.
15) Do the 180 posted on these boards about 99999999 times.
16) In regards to this issue lets be dead clear. YOU DID NOT MESS UP. Cheating is 100% on the cheater. End of story. 
17) START the divorce if she does not do the 180. Nothing says you have to follow through.
18) Recovery is about 2 years IF she complies with the standard demand list. Be ready for dreams possibly of you watching them fvck. Are you prepared for that?
19) Remove your city. this is an anonymous board and that is too specific. The state is fine. We are your cyber friends here. Be prepared to hear things you won't want to hear.
20) If you get additional evidence NEVER reveal sources.

Yes I edit add things alot. When I am the first few I try to cover alot of the basic bases so others can chime in with thoughts.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

ody360- First thing is stop blaming yourself. You're responsible for 50 percent of the state of your marriage. She takes 100 percent of the blame for cheating. You didn't cheat, she did. If the marriage was so bad, she should have insisted on counseling or divorced you.

Just because you caught her cheating doesn't mean it's over with the OM (other man). Judging by how your sex life and affection is going, she's likely still seeing him. There are many ways to take it underground. She's more careful now. You'll get advice here on how to gather evidence, such as velcroing a VAR (voice-activated recorder) underneath her car seat, so you can hear her phone conversations with him. She might have a burner phone. You need to quietly investigate.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Ok she had text messages telling him how she felt about him on dec 5 and on the dec 6 was them making plans to go watch a basketball game with a group of friends that she always hung out with witch is her BFF. Dec 7 she goes to the game. I wake up a 3:00am she is not home. I text, i call. she calls back lie 5 mins later. Tells me she passed out at her friends house that she was at i do know at one time. She gets home and goes straight to bed. For some reason i decide to check her phone and found her at 12:38 am sending him a message on face book saying hey I'm gonna invite myself over, i think i remember were you live. he responds ok. I confront her about it she says she was drunk and passed out at the friends house and ended up no going over there. 

2 days later she is at a basketball game so i send a message to her BFF's husband. Asking him what time did my wife leave. It went a while no response. Then all of sudden my wife starts texting me telling she misses me. Her husband replied that they left before she did. I found out a few days later that her friend contacted her about my message, and told my wife that her husband told me they left before my wife did. Feels like it was to cover for my wife. she was really concerned about me contacting them. Like oh boy im caught.

Are ages im 35 she is 33. We have been together for 13 years. She has had cancer early in are relationship and i never once faltered. We were not married at that time. 

Text message were friendly text message from him but real flirty messages from her. He would talk about how he is struggling with his wife leaving, and she would kinda talk about how to felt about him and it had nothing to do with her home life why she felt that way. But she did mention to him at one time early on she want happy.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You are doing everything wrong. Stop having sex with her, if you think they were physical you both need to get a STD test done. 

Seems you are begging and pleading to win her back. Stop that!!

She is a wreck because this guy is rejecting her and she keeps pursuing him. 

Her way to heal is not talking about it!!! That's called rug sweeping. She seemed to easily be emotional with him, but not her husband. 

I understand you have an autistic child but is it worth staying in your marriage if she cheated and won't talk about it???

Sounds like she has checked out and sitting her down to talk will do nothing. You need to do a 180 on her. 

Even though she de friended him and you see no text does not mean she has stopped trying to contact him. 

The way I see it is you can't keep going on in this marriage if things stay the same. She needs to understand what she did is wrong, seems she will not do that. 

Stop saying to yourself that it was because of your actions that led to this. It was your wife's choice to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her to help you heal and if she is telling the truth you won't mind taking a polygraph test. If she gets super defensive and blames you and other stuff, well then I guess you have your answer. Get a VAR and put one in her car and one in the house or get a pen var for about $99 stick it in her purse, just a thought.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Sounds like you are telling my story. 

She doesn't want to talk because she is hiding information. Most likely she is still seeing him. A possibility is that he finishes with her and she is mourning him, therefore won't speak and isn't remorseful. I think the most likely though is she is still cheating.

She is manipulating you with the 'I won't talk.....; You are just wanting to live in the past....; I won't talk because you will get depressed....'! WTF! Course you are down, she has been cheating on you. She made you depressed and wants to make it worse by not giving you what you need and then blaming you too! WTF! 

I must say, I am glad I came across your story. It gives me more clarity on my own. My man was exactly the same. Angry every time I brought it up, defensive, refused to speak. I eventually realised why, but I still don't have the truth. Though I have become much firmer with him once I came here and realised what was happening, what he was doing, his motivations. You are in the right place. Listen very carefully to the advice you are given. It is very important you do if you want the best results from your situation.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ody360 said:


> She gets home and goes straight to bed. For some reason i decide to check her phone and found her at 12:38 am sending him a message on face book saying hey I'm gonna invite myself over, i think i remember were you live. he responds ok. I confront her about it she says she was drunk and passed out at the friends house and ended up no going over there.
> 
> 2 days later she is at a basketball game so i send a message to her BFF's husband. Asking him what time did my wife leave. It went a while no response. Then all of sudden my wife starts texting me telling she misses me. Her husband replied that they left before she did. I found out a few days later that her friend contacted her about my message, and told my wife that her husband told me they left before my wife did. Feels like it was to cover for my wife. she was really concerned about me contacting them. Like oh boy im caught.
> 
> Are ages im 35 she is 33. We have been together for 13 years. She has had cancer early in are relationship and i never once faltered. We were not married at that time.


Oooh Im not liking one thing HARDCORE. I THINK I REMEMBER WHERE YOU LIVE
If she is bringing up the cancer that is emotional blackmail and has nothing to do with cheating.
BTW reread my first post. my list grew. sorry.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

So I can see some common things here with my own W (or soon to be former it seems) 

Your first mistake was not blowing up. It's a normal, healthy reaction to scream and yell and go a little wild with anger when you find out she's cheating or still cheating. 

There's no easy way to say this so i'll just say it: Alpha up, man up, whatever you wanna call it. 

Please read Married Man Sex Life. 


Come one man. I was a doormat for 12 years to an ungrateful wife that nearly ruined me. Don't make the same mistake. 

And she's claming because she doesn't want to make you depressed? What's that all about? She should be walking on eggshells because of righteous fury. 

Anger or depression is a natural response, but i think if you want to save your marriage there MUST be consequences: 

1) Never go out unless you're with her. 
2) open all phone/email/fb passwords to her
3) Sign a postnuptual agreement
4) Take a polygraph test so you can determine if she's been truthful.
5) You are the man, act like it. 

If she's too busy for counseling? Too bad. Pack her sh!t and throw it outside. 

Im not trying to say it's time to be a jerk, but it's time to be a jerk.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Ok i have spy stuff on her phone, so i see all calls, text messages and internet activity. She live on that phone. I have a gps track on the car. So i can trace that. To this moment there has been no red flags. I feel ashamed for doing this stuff but, She has not given me any reason not to. She has already stressed concerns about if she will ever be able to go out again. Ive said yes you can if i go with you. She was bothered by that response. 

someone said stop having sex with, that I'm afraid to do that because that was one of the reason she said she was having the emotional affair, i was not being intimate with my wife. maybe once a months was all. 

At this moment i have no proof she slept with him but the face book message i found stated up above in a previous response to questions. No way she just passed out after asking the guy she was gonna invite herself over to his house. My gut tells me she did cheat. But stipulation can be bad.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

ody360 said:


> Ok i have spy stuff on her phone, so i see all calls, text messages and internet activity. She live on that phone. I have a gps track on the car. Excellent, now you're thinking. So i can trace that. To this moment there has been no red flags. I feel ashamed . No reason for you to feel ashamed, her on the other hand....for doing this stuff but, She has not given me any reason not to. She has already stressed concerns about if she will ever be able to go out again. Ive said yes you can if i go with you. She was bothered by that response. If she complains that you are "controlling" her advise her that you are protecting the marriage. You have no control over her, she is free to live her life any way she chooses....you will then just choose not to be a part of it.
> 
> someone said stop having sex with, that I'm afraid to do that because that was one of the reason she said she was having the emotional affair, i was not being intimate with my wife. maybe once a months was all. Okay, either ask her to take a polygraph...watch her reaction carefully; or wear a condom. Protect yourself, and send a message. That's a win win!
> 
> At this moment i have no proof she slept with him but the face book message i found stated up above in a previous response to questions. No way she just passed out after asking the guy she was gonna invite herself over to his house. My gut tells me she did cheat. But stipulation can be bad.


 Your gut is telling you something, pay close attention.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Your wife is still involved with the other man. 

You can tell if a cheater is remorseful or not by their *actions*, not their words.

Your cheating wife is not remorseful. I also get the feeling that she had fvcked this guy more than once. She is addicted to him.

They have taken the affair underground. She knows that you are onto them, so now she is being more careful.

First order of business, if you want to kill her affair, is to expose it far and wide. Tell your family, her family, your friends, OM's family and anybody else who cares about your marriage.

Now, at this point in time, it sounds like your evidence is a little sketchy. Sure, you know what she has admitted to, but I guarantee there is much worse. And, like I said, the affair is probably still happening. So, if you want to more proof, put a VAR under her car seat and a keylogger on the computer. Check your cell phone call/text logs and see if it matches up with her phone. She does let you see her phone, right? If not, the affair is definitely on.

Once you have your evidence, then expose the affair. If you already feel you have enough evidence, expose the affair.

Did I say expose the affair?

*Expose the affair!*

Next, go consult with a lawyer to educate yourself on the divorce laws in your State. This should be a free consultation. Start preparing to file for divorce. Many times, cheating spouses don't come to their senses until the loyal spouse files for divorce. When they see the hard consequences of their little fantasy world, it can shake a cheating spouse out of the "fog". This fog your wife is in is caused by her addiction to OM. She thinks he's her soulmate. Everything would be rainbows and unicorns if they could only be together. 

There is no way whatsoever that a loyal spouse can compete with an affair partner. None.

Expose the affair. Kill it. 

File for divorce.

If your wife wants you back, she needs to *win* you back through her actions. She needs to be the one doing the heavy lifting.

The person in control of the relationship is the one who is willing to walk away. That person needs to be you.

Be strong. Eat. Exercise. Stay here. We can and will help you.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Also, when you expose the affair, be ready for her to go completely ballistic as her fantasy world starts to crumble. 

Don't worry, it will pass. Think of it like someone who is coming off a hard drug addiction. It's ugly at first, but eventually the fog will lift.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ody...take two steps back from the computer. Now re-read every post you made and pretend the screen name is someone else. 

What do you think he should do?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Like Jerry said. You both need to get tested for STD's. She is lying to you.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Heer is a positive adder that i can go off of. We have never done a vacation since are honeymoon and i told her once this all came out that we need to do that more. 

So since then she has been looking at vacation places a lot. Even after last night. She has the day off today and by watching her internet activity on her phone all she is looking up is place we can go on vacation.
I was talking last night while i thought she was sleeping (i do that a lot since i cant talk to her) and couldn't her me, that this isn't gonna work. Well she ended up being awake and made a comment about it. Then 3 mins later rolled over and banged on my head with her finger 3 times saying that, that will be the reason if this doesn't work. Basically saying that me, not being able to control my mind and keep it calm..

But like i said that didn't push her away at least, she is still looking for vacation spots for us. I do see sign of hope, and she says its gonna take time for her to heal and accept that I'm not gonna be who i was, basically ignoring her and not doing anything with her besides set at home and watch t.v

But my problem is she doesn't give me much to feel better about where she is at about how she feels about me, or mentally if she is still here.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Behavior isn't unique. People who cheat act in very similar ways.

Your wife's attitude of defiance and rugsweeping indicates that she is still in the affair.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Wait, what???? She cheated on you now you're rewarding her with a vacation "honeymoon? Where's the 2 X 4's.....what are you thinking?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Ody,

Don't try to "nice" her out of this by promising a vacation.

Don't try to rugsweep the issue.

You're going to be on vacation with her. All the while, she will be thinking about OM.

How do you know she doesn't have a burner phone?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your wife is still cheating on you and she feels its justified.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Ody360,

Sorry you're here and sorry for your hurt. Just about all of the posters here know what you're going through.

Now, for the reality. You are living with a non-repentant, non-remorseful wife in a false reconciliation. You are letting her rug sweep her affair. For her to tell you to "get over it", is a disgrace on her part. In effect, you have given her no consequences for her infidelity and she is treating you like a doormat.

This is about your feelings, not hers. There is no excuse for having an an affair. None. The blame shifting is typical for a spouse with no remorse. If she was remorseful, she would do anything you ask to help you through this.

She is likely still in the fog of her affair and may in fact still be in contact with the OM. You need to first verify that all contact has stopped. Follow these steps:

- She has to agree to complete transparency. She gives you all her passwords to phone and computer and provides all information you ask about her affair - and I mean everything. Have her write out to you a timeline of details.

- I would suggest putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) underneath the seat in her car. Install a key logger on her computer to monitor her PC activity. Don't tell her this of course. You need the piece of mind of verification.

- She has to write a no contact letter to OM, void of sentiment. You read it, approve it, and mail it yourself.

- Expose the affair to your family and her family. And if he has one, to his wife or significant other. She will get angry. Too bad. She needs to realize this is a consequence. The exposure will also reduce the possibility of them continuing the affair and may help with ending her affair fog which I'm sure she's still in. This is a must.

- Finally, and most important, going forward she will need to demonstrate that she is completely remorseful. No blame shifting, no "I don't want to discuss it". She must be completely open to any and all conversation about it.

- If she does not comply to "any one" of these conditions, start detaching from her by using the 180 approach. You can find a link on here for that. Start divorce proceedings. You'll have plenty of time to halt them if she comes around.

The bottom line is; you have to be willing to end your marriage to save it. Living in this type of limbo with someone like that almost guarantees failure in reconciliation and is pure hell for you- not something you have to go through. Let her know that you can't control her, but you can control what you're willing to accept from her. 

You will have to get yourself out of you own fog. The fog of the betrayed spouse. You have to be strong and confident. Women simply are not attracted to weak men. That said, it will be as difficult emotionally as anything you've ever experienced. But you need to show her that you'll not be a door mat any longer and you won't tolerate her rug sweeping.

You'll get a lot of other good advice from posters, like me, who have experienced the same thing. If you follow it, you give yourself the best chance to R. But even if you don't R, it will help you detach and move on with your life.

Best of luck and again, sorry you're having to go through this.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

ody360 said:


> Heer is a positive adder that i can go off of. We have never done a vacation since are honeymoon and i told her once this all came out that we need to do that more.
> 
> So since then she has been looking at vacation places a lot. Even after last night. She has the day off today and by watching her internet activity on her phone all she is looking up is place we can go on vacation.
> I was talking last night while i thought she was sleeping (i do that a lot since i cant talk to her) and couldn't her me, that this isn't gonna work. Well she ended up being awake and made a comment about it. Then 3 mins later rolled over and banged on my head with her finger 3 times saying that, that will be the reason if this doesn't work. Basically saying that me, not being able to control my mind and keep it calm..
> ...


She cheated on you, doesn't seem remorseful at all, blames you for the affair, and you're taking her on a vacation??

Good luck.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ody360 said:


> I was talking last night while i thought she was sleeping (i do that a lot since i cant talk to her) and couldn't her me, that this isn't gonna work. Well she ended up being awake and made a comment about it. Then 3 mins later rolled over and banged on my head with her finger 3 times saying that, that will be the reason if this doesn't work. Basically saying that me, not being able to control my mind and keep it calm..


Brother...that is so not cool.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Jasel said:


> She cheated on you, doesn't seem remorseful at all, blames you for the affair, and you're taking her on a vacation??
> 
> Good luck.


He is trying to romance her back. It's not a terrible idea. If she can see him as desirable, fun, etc. she may start to turn around. If you don't have sex on this trip, it's a bad sign. 

However, he needs get into MC fast. If she tries to rugsweep there, that's where he needs to make his stand.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Brother...that is so not cool.


Yeah, do not put up with any **** like this from her. At all. NEVER. You need to get your manhood back. She does not see you as an equal. 

Please respond and tell me you understand.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> *The bottom line is; you have to be willing to end your marriage to save it*. Living in this type of limbo with someone like that almost guarantees failure in reconciliation and is pure hell for you- not something you have to go through. Let her know that you can't control her, but you can control what you're willing to accept from her.


This deserves repeating.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

staystrong said:


> He is trying to romance her back. It's not a terrible idea. If she can see him as desirable, fun, etc. she may start to turn around. If you don't have sex on this trip, it's a bad sign.
> 
> However, he needs get into MC fast. If she tries to rugsweep there, that's where he needs to make his stand.


I don't think it would be a terrible idea if he wasn't trying to romance her after an affair which hasn't been resolved IMO.

First she needs consequences, not rewards for bad behavior. When it looks like she's willing to put in the heavy lifting for R (which she doesn't even sound close to doing) THEN bring on the romance.

He's just giving her cake.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

staystrong said:


> He is trying to romance her back. It's not a terrible idea. If she can see him as desirable, fun, etc. she may start to turn around. If you don't have sex on this trip, it's a bad sign.
> 
> However, he needs get into MC fast. If she tries to rugsweep there, that's where he needs to make his stand.


Thanks for not considering me a idiot for trying to fix some stuff while i try to get my wife to show remorse. Her guard is up, only way to knock it down is by thinking everything is fine. Also that may allow her to get careless and give me evidence that she is still in contact. If she gets comfortable people get careless.

Atm she only has 3 ways to hide this. Face book messaging, i cant trace that, But i block the guy on her face book and she doesn't even know about it, so she cant contact him through face book. Her work email but is for health care and its highly monitored. Or what you guys say a separate phone. So i guess i need to get a vav for her car. Can someone explain what that is. 

I know she cant text or call on her phone and delet it with out me knowing. Once she looks at anything i see it through the spy ware No matter what. But face book messaging. Is the only thing i cant see if she deletes them. She could be possibly using her work email. But i cant request to see that cause of hipa violations since she is in the medical field.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

You guys are right. I need tell her to stop looking for vacations. I do keep rewarding her. I set here and justify it like it is my fault. I need to pay attention to what i write cause i sound like a idiot. That's why im so messed up i keep trying to rationalize this whole thing like im the one who has to fix it. Im sorry that i look like a idiot. I keep torturing myself with rationalizing everything.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

ody360 said:


> Then 3 mins later rolled over and banged on my head with her finger 3 times saying that, that will be the reason if this doesn't work. Basically saying that me, not being able to control my mind and keep it calm.


Yep. Been there, done that, got the blood-soaked T-shirt with the shredded, gaping holes from where I was constantly stabbed in the back while being consoled to my face.

It's called gaslighting, Ody.

Your wife is lying to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Nobody thinks you're an idiot. You're just discovering things for the first time that people here have already seen many times.

Normal, healthy, happy people don't have a desire to monitor their spouses, so they don't know about burner phones, fake Facebook pages, secret e-mail accounts, apps that hide call IDs, calls and texts, etc. 

So, try the VAR and see if you can verify that she is or isn't in contact.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One of the most difficult things to work through when doing the 180, is emotionally detaching while at the same time not acting like an a-hole to her.

Be polite but not affectionate. Stop the sex. Act as though you are moving forward with your life. That you will do just fine without her (even though you don't feel like that). Don't yell, don't show emotion. Talk to her only about things that are necessary. 

You can tell her that when your are satisfied that she is meeting your needs as a betrayed husband, and is ready to demonstrate remorse for how she betrayed you; that's the point where you are ready and willing to work on the marital issues - but not before.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

KUDOs on the gps and other tracking btw. You installed the GPS AFTER the incident right? Do the VAR thing.

How far is he from you?

Now the disturbing thought I had while I was away. 12:38AM to 300 AM is about the right amount of time to go somewhere and screw. AND She says she was so sloppy drunk she passed out... then ???DRIVES??? home 2.25 hours later. Uh huh.

We don't consider you an idiot. We wake people the **** up. That means telling you straight up what the odds are. This aint the happy happy joy joy song.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

ody360 said:


> *Thanks for not considering me a idiot for trying to fix some stuff while i try to get my wife to show remorse. *Her guard is up, only way to knock it down is by thinking everything is fine. Also that may allow her to get careless and give me evidence that she is still in contact. If she gets comfortable people get careless.


No one here considers you an idiot. Most of the people here have been through what you've been going through. Everyone has made mistakes because they were either flying blind or didn't know how to handle the situation the right way until it was too late.

But back to your situation, you can't force your wife to feel remorse when she hasn't had any real consequences laid down by you. Women in this situation do NOT respect men they percieve as weak and they certainly don't feel remorse for screwing over weak men. Guilt? Sometimes yes. Remorse? Hardly.

You sound like you're making the same mistake most men in this situation make by trying to nice your wife out of her screwed up mentality/affair. And even when you do try to lay down consequences you try to do it in a way that won't "scare her off". This does not work and I don't think I've read a single story on this site (and I've read at least 70 - 90 at this point I believe) where a guy got his wife to respect/love/feel remorse for him solely by being a "nice and understanding guy". Doesn't happen.

Women, especially those in the fog of affairs, respect men who will stand up for themselves and respect themselves. You're more worried about your cheating wife's feelings than you are your own. She senses this and does not respect it.

You do not need to be taking your wife on a vacation. You do not need to be walking on egg shells around her. You do not need to allow her to dictate when a good time for counseling is because SHE says so. You do not need to be her doormat.

Not sure if you've read up on the 180 but if not I suggest you do and implement it ASAP. I'm not trying to come down on you.

As for you monitoring everything she does, don't feel guilty about that. It's her fault it's even necessary to begin with, and you sound like you have that down pretty well.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

No one thinks you're an idiot, slightly misguided maybe.you are dealing with a situation that no one talks about in your real life. Friends distance themselves when they learn someone is having marriage problems...in case it's contagious. The average person isn't equipped with the wherewithal to handle infidelity. That's why TAM is such a valuable resource. Most here have been through it, are going through it, or think they maybe they went through it but are being gaslighted into thinking they are crazy. 

Posters are here to offer you the wisdom and guidance we wish someone had given us. The rest is up to you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ody360 said:


> 2 days later she is at a basketball game so i send a message to her BFF's husband. Asking him what time did my wife leave. It went a while no response. Then all of sudden my wife starts texting me telling she misses me. Her husband replied that they left before she did. I found out a few days later that her friend contacted her about my message, and told my wife that her husband told me they left before my wife did. Feels like it was to cover for my wife. she was really concerned about me contacting them. Like oh boy im caught.


referencing Aunt above 

And sometimes friends get friends to cover for them.

Any way you can get that husband alone? Might ask him just how drunk she was (not) Perhaps they did not go over that part. WATCH HIS REACTIONS CAREFULLY. Communication is beyond verbal.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Take the money you would have spent on vacation and retain a lawyer. Get educated. Find out what your legal rights are and what a divorce will entail. Don't let your wife know unless you plan to file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

And also don't make threats that you aren't absolutely willing to follow through on. If you tell her if she doesn't do A you're going to do B, then you make sure that you follow through and do B if she doesn't do A.

Otherwise she'll respect you even less, take you and your threats less seriously, and it will be that much harder to get what you want. Whether it's R/closure/divorce or whatever.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

What Jasel said. 

Strengthening yourself means getting all the information you can before making a decision. Once you are armed with information that strength will start showing and she will notice it. 

You have to be strong. Think through everything before acting and always seek out enough information before acting. Never act on impulse or emotion. You have to be smarter than her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ody360 said:


> You guys are right. I need tell her to stop looking for vacations. I do keep rewarding her. I set here and justify it like it is my fault. I need to pay attention to what i write cause i sound like a idiot. That's why im so messed up i keep trying to rationalize this whole thing like im the one who has to fix it. Im sorry that i look like a idiot. I keep torturing myself with rationalizing everything.


Hold onto the thought process as tightly as you can. If you can stay in that frame of mind, (which by the way, we affectionately refer to as "reality") Your going to be ok brother.

Your breaking her spell. Coming out of the smog. 

Your not going to like what you see at first, but.. 

good choice going with the "red pill".

and... Your not stupid bro, your being managed.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Ody,

Could she have another FB account? One that she uses at work?

Just trying to have all the bases covered. Good to see you are monitoring her phone.

VAR is a voice-activated recorder. They can digitally record several hours of conversation. Most women talk on the cell phones in their car. Put the VAR under the seat.

It's how I caught my STBXW. Many women these days are tech-savvy enough to cover the e-trails on the computer or phone. However, they never would suspect you of actually recording their conversations.

I like the Olympus models. Radio Shack or Best Buy.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Well i decided to talk to my wife, and not be a wuss and give in. I pretty much get the it that she doesn't think she did was wrong and i feel like she thinks i deserved it. Well that was all on the phone before she had to get her hair done. So now im sure she was balling having to see the hair dresser. I'm sure I'm the bad guy again. I didnt call her i shot her a text saying hey its 11:42 and you dont even send me a text saying hi or how are you. So she calls me thinking that i was gonna back down. But i didn't this time. Know i feel like the worst guy in the world and that's how it always ends up. Im the bad guy


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

ody360 said:


> someone said stop having sex with, that I'm afraid to do that because that was one of the reason she said she was having the emotional affair, i was not being intimate with my wife. maybe once a months was all.


She didn’t do this because of anything you did, this is called blame shifting. She is trying to make it your fault so she doesn’t have to feel guilty. Bottom line is you can’t make someone cheat on you. She had other options if she wasn’t happy.

Fixing all your issues (which is a good thing) isn’t going to make her end the A. It’s an addiction, not a competition so keep that in mind.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

ody360 said:


> Well i decided to talk to my wife, and not be a wuss and give in. I pretty much get the it that she doesn't think she did was wrong and i feel like she thinks i deserved it. Well that was all on the phone before she had to get her hair done. So now im sure she was balling having to see the hair dresser. I'm sure I'm the bad guy again. *I didnt call her i shot her a text saying hey its 11:42 and you dont even send me a text saying hi or how are you.* So she calls me thinking that i was gonna back down. But i didn't this time. Know i feel like the worst guy in the world and that's how it always ends up. Im the bad guy


I hope I'm not coming off as overly critical. Especially with what you're going through because I know it's not easy, but you need to not come off as needy. 

Coming down on your wife because she didn't say "Hi" or ask how you were? That sounds like being a wuss. Dude she was trying to **** someone else who wasn't you. You need to start detaching. I'm going to post the 180 here because I'm not sure if you know what it is. 



> Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It
> 
> A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)
> 
> ...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ody360 said:


> Well i decided to talk to my wife, and not be a wuss and give in. I pretty much get the it that she doesn't think she did was wrong and i feel like she thinks i deserved it. Well that was all on the phone before she had to get her hair done. So now im sure she was balling having to see the hair dresser. *I'm sure I'm the bad guy again.* I didnt call her i shot her a text saying hey its 11:42 and you dont even send me a text saying hi or how are you. So she calls me thinking that i was gonna back down. But i didn't this time. Know i feel like the worst guy in the world and that's how it always ends up. *Im the bad guy*


SO WHAT¿
Who cares!


No More Mr Nice Guy


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

You guys know whats sadd. Is this 180 is how i was treating her to cause her to have the affair. Everything that is explained on what to do in the 180 is what i was doing to cause this to happen. It is my fault and i am a terrible husband. I didn't deserve to be cheated on, but i deserved her to leave me. WOW.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

weightlifter said:


> Any way you can get that husband alone? Might ask him just how drunk she was (not) Perhaps they did not go over that part. WATCH HIS REACTIONS CAREFULLY. Communication is beyond verbal.


I disagree with engaging the "agents of fog" (lol). Unless of course, you have an agenda, then they can be useful pawns. 

They are enemies of your marriage, they are aligned with your wife's fogged version of reality. Sometimes they can be 'turned' after they are awoken by the "exposure bomb". But, they should not be fully trusted. Ever.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I disagree with engaging the "agents of fog" (lol). Unless of course, you have an agenda, then they can be useful pawns.
> 
> They are enemies of your marriage, they are aligned with your wife's fogged version of reality. Sometimes they can be 'turned' after they are awoken by the "exposure bomb". But, they should not be fully trusted. Ever.


Yes pawns. Act like you know more than you do plant a seed with them and see how w reacts in a day or two but I wouldn't trust them either.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ody360 said:


> You guys know whats sadd. Is this 180 is how i was treating her to cause her to have the affair. Everything that is explained on what to do in the 180 is what i was doing to cause this to happen. It is my fault and i am a terrible husband. I didn't deserve to be cheated on, but i deserved her to leave me. WOW.


 Do you know how I know that you are not a terrible husband? I know because you care what your wife feels and thinks. If fact you care much more than she cares about what you feel or think.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

TRy said:


> Do you know how I know that you are not a terrible husband? I now because you car what your wife feels and thinks. If fact you care much more than she cares about what you feel or think.


Thank you, that helped with the way i'm feeling atm, after reading that 180 scenerio.

I guess i just need to prepare myself to be without her. Its hard to handle, cause i always visioned us being together forever and growing old together.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

You got the guy's number, right? Send him a text saying something like.....

_It's very dangerous business messing around with another man's wife._

Put the fear of ody in him. Good chance he'll tuck tail and run.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

3putt said:


> You got the guy's number, right? Send him a text saying something like.....
> 
> _It's very dangerous business messing around with another man's wife._
> 
> Put the fear of ody in him. Good chance he'll tuck tail and run.


 Do not do this. This can be treated as a written threat and can be use against you later not just by the affair partner but by your wife in getting a restraining order against you. During a divorce, such a restraining order could be used by her to throw you out of your own house.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ody360 said:


> Thank you, that helped with the way i'm feeling atm, after reading that 180 scenerio.
> 
> I guess i just need to prepare myself to be without her. Its hard to handle, cause i always visioned us being together forever and growing old together.


 You have made someone a priority (your wife) that has not made you a priority. You should never do that.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

TRy said:


> Do not do this. This can be treated as a written threat and can be use against you later not just by the affair partner but by your wife in getting a restraining order against you. During a divorce, such a restraining order could be used by her to throw you out of your own house.


Then get in his face and say it. Even Dr. Harley encourages calling out the OM.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

TRy said:


> Do not do this. This can be treated as a written threat and can be use against you later not just by the affair partner but by your wife in getting a restraining order against you. During a divorce, such a restraining order could be used by her to throw you out of your own house.


yeah, why i never contacted the guy, was tempted to tell him for fun that hey since you slept with my wife if you didnt wear a jimmy you just got a STD and see what his reaction would be. But i didn't. 

It don't make it right, but they guys wife left him no more then a month after my wife started chasing him. He was pretty innocent at the beginning, you can tell he was wanting someone to talk to but after a while of being vulnerable and women coming on to you its easy to lose yourself and fall for it. Id normally blame the guy but this time, im not going to. Its all my wife. He reject her a few times by the sound of the messages. Like i have said i have no proof that they did have intercourse but, it so appears that way. And when my wife and i talked about it, she did agree that it did look real bad and tried to assure me it didn't happen. But jealousy has taken over and losing all trust makes me not believe her..


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

It happened, they ****ed... Every single woman that has come over to my place after midnight, no matter what the "reason", was here for sex... and got sex...


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

sorry ody been there done that, she is not sorry and will continue to cheat. if she wanted to save the marriage she would have broke down and been remorseful. another post on this site i was reading today his wife cheated he caught her been like a year he hasnt forgave her but to her credut she has been trying to re earn his trust everyday and took responsibility.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro, put one under the front seat of her car and another in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not home.

Either you will catch her talking to other man, you will hear what she has to say about it to a close friend or confidant, or you will hear nothing, which helps to rebuild your trust.

You either get some truth or rebuild a little trust.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You either get some truth or rebuild a little trust.


This. Take the red pill.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Update: Wife and i finally sat down and actually talked about it. Took me to just leave Monday evening and go out to a bar with a friend and then i ended up just crashing at his pad. I didn't tell her i was not coming home i just stayed out. She ended up calling me at 5:00 am crying wondering were i was. So least i finally got some emotional response from her. 

So i drove home and we had long talk and she did the normal i'm sorry, admits to everything and even says she is willing to take a lie detector test. We both called into work and dropped are kid off at the sitters and just spent the whole day talking, about are whole marriage and the stuff she is going to do to fix her side and the stuff i was gonna do to fix my side. 

I told her i forgive her, but it does not i mean that i am forgetting it. but there were guidelines, pure transparency was needed and she needed to actually fight for me not just continue like everyday life. She needed to change.

I know im probably a fool, but i truly do be leave my wife. But i do know i look at her differently, and at this moment i am really not sure if i will ever trust her again. The talking makes me feel better for the time, but the next morning its back to knots in my stomach and distrust. I hope someday this goes away, i really love my wife. 

So question for you guys who stayed with your wife's, Does it get easier for yourself and you brain to stop over analyzing everything even after she has come clean and is making the effort to fix the marriage? Im sure it probably just depends on the individual, but if someone can either give input or send a me a link were i can read how guys or gals have dealt with getting through the distrust and anguish you feel. Id much appreciate it. Just helps to read about someone else's dealings, and maybe help give me peace.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did she finally admit it went physical? Im smelling trickle truth.

sorry I'm a cynical bastard. This place exacerbates it.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

She still denies it, She said she is will to take a Lie detector test to prove i never got past a EA,which i took her up on it. She has not flinched about taking it. Ive already looked up prior so already new what i needed to do to have one done.

She has been much more remorseful and now has taken full responsibility for her actions. Just today for lunch she did a surprise stop by and brought some snack to the office, which in the whole history of are marriage she has never done this. 

Even though she is doing all this i am not letting my guard down. I'm showing her i am but behind the scenes i am not. Just in case if she starts to get comfortable and she is just trying to pull the sheets over my head she might get careless and expose something.

I am trying to be more Alpha but when you've been Beta male your whole life its hard to just change instantaneously. So i am working on that. I am also still implementing the 180 so i can detach myself some so if this does happen again, i wont be so wigged out and do all the wrong things first. I put her first in my life and i need to change that. Im going to continue on changing myself for the better, working out, thinking healthy and thinking more of myself and my needs first and my kids needs. She is now 2nd priority until someday she proves herself worthy again. 

thanks everyone for advice and ill probably always come her to brows and read all the stuff that is on here and try to be as helpful to peops the best i can.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ody360 said:


> she kept pursuing this guy.
> 
> when i caught her she said she cut it off with him. I was not there to witness it, but she no longer has him friend-ed on face book and i no longer see any text messages from them. So only proof i have is her word.
> 
> ...


The ones who get through it successfully, do so through no effort of their own, or at least very little effort. You will hear it said that your wife is the one who has to do the HEAVY LIFTING. That means she has to EARN back your trust. She has to show you she is really sorry, and WILLINGLY do things that will show you she is trying to get you to trust her.

Telling you how much she loves you, initiating sex with you (not asking, "can you be quick?"), being willing to talk about the affair.

In addition to some of the stuff I wrote above, I think it would help if she handwrote a "no contact" letter to the other man. "Other Man, I am horribly ashamed of my behavior and I feel terrible that I risked losing my husband, who I love more than anyone in this world. If you ever attempt to contact me again, I will file harassment charges against you. Signed, Wife."

You will get through the distrust and anguish when you feel your wife is comitted to you again, and that is accomplished by actions, not fighting against you when you want to have sex or when you want to talk, when she WILLINGLY goes along with the things you need in order to regain some trust.

From what you've posted, even after your long talk, I don't see it. You haven't convinced me she's committed, not that you have to convince me, but if I'm not convinced, it's probably because you're not convinced.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

pulling for you day hang in there buddy


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Well HALF good news. If she passes. Methinks this marriage savable.

You HALF made my day!

BTW not my trick but I remember it. If you have too many questions because you are allowed 2 or 3 questions so you have to choose carefully. Write a paper of 25 specific questions and have her answer them.... Question 1. Did you tell the truth on Ody's list of questions?

Wanna alpha up. Carry her to the bedroom and take her.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Update:

Well, my wife finally shot out of her fog on 2/5/13. Ever since then she has been awesome. She lets me have my triggers she tells me everything. Is very supportive pretty much everything she needs to do. I did not do a the lie detector test. I'm 100% sure it didn't go PA. I talked to the guys wife that left him, and that night my wife was saying she was going to go over there, his wife said that she was talking to the OM til 2:30 am. she even sent me the messages so i had 100% proof that she didn't end up going over there.

So beside the occasional triggers that pop up. My R is going very strong, and everyday are marriage is getting stronger and stronger all the time. Are communication is better pretty much everything on her part and my part. It looks like atm im one of the lucky ones and had a wife who took full responsibility and shows tons of remorse. I do realize that it is still early on, but everyone says go by your gut so that is what im doing and everything feels like its going to end up ok. This does not mean ive put my gaurd down, that will probably stay up for a long time. 

Thanks to everyone who helped with positive and useful information. But not everything is always doom and gloom and black or white. There are situation that do have grey areas. All situations are different and will have different out comes. But im a pessimistic person and that's how i view everything.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ody360 said:


> Update:
> 
> Well, my wife finally shot out of her fog on 2/5/13. Ever since then she has been awesome. She lets me have my triggers she tells me everything. Is very supportive pretty much everything she needs to do. I did not do a the lie detector test. I'm 100% sure it didn't go PA. I talked to the guys wife that left him, and that night my wife was saying she was going to go over there, his wife said that she was talking to the OM til 2:30 am. she even sent me the messages so i had 100% proof that she didn't end up going over there.
> 
> ...


I'm glad things are going better for you ODY and I hope they will continue to do so. Now you can join those of us who are working on R with (and I hope she is) a remorseful spouse.

Make sure that she "demonstrates" her remorse. That she will talk to you openly about this anytime you want to and allow you to discuss your feelings about it. Educate her on how a remorseful wife acts.

Although, I'd put my wife in the category of showing true remorse, I still had to help her out along the way. She's had to adjust her thinking a couple of times and has responded well. Just make sure your wife does the same.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I'm glad things are going better for you ODY and I hope they will continue to do so. Now you can join those of us who are working on R with (and I hope she is) a remorseful spouse.
> 
> Make sure that she "demonstrates" her remorse. That she will talk to you openly about this anytime you want to and allow you to discuss your feelings about it. Educate her on how a remorseful wife acts.
> 
> Although, I'd put my wife in the category of showing true remorse, I still had to help her out along the way. She's had to adjust her thinking a couple of times and has responded well. Just make sure your wife does the same.


Absolutly, she has even read everything ive told her to read. But i do agree with you have said and yes i have had to help her. But she has also asked for help to. Which i think also shows she really cares and is trying..


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Wow two "good" news inside a week. Well I'll take it. 

For most men, forgiving EA is far far easier than forgiving PA. Something about having your woman inseminated by another man just kills it for many. I know PA would be a 100% killer for me.

You know to never let your guard down right?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The toxic friends have to go. They were covering for her and will do so in the future as well.

Also the activities that provided cover. Who is ok for their wife to go out, get wasted and crash "somewhere". Do not put up with this.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Though i should add the more she does make good, i do have some resentment building. Which i have read is not good. Now that i am passed the shock and awe of the whole thing. The more she does the more i think, well if you feel this way now, were the F was it for 1 1/2 months when you were doing your EA... this is a issue i going to bring up to my IC.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> The toxic friends have to go. They were covering for her and will do so in the future as well.
> 
> Also the activities that provided cover. Who is ok for their wife to go out, get wasted and crash "somewhere". Do not put up with this.


Your are correct and she has no longer and says she will no longer hang out with them. She would hang with these people while tail gating for college football games and has told me she is no longer going to go to games.. Which is a huge change cause she wouldn't miss a game if her life depended on it. But lets seen in Sept if that is the case. Its easy to say when there are no games to go to. But also to my discovery those peops were inviting her out it was the OM the whole time. So if he wouldn't have been inviting her out she wouldn't of been going. Plus i will not let her go hang out with them unless i go cause i know he is a regular that hangs out with the group. She knows if i do come across this guy, well its gonna be 3 days jail time for me. Unless they break it up and let it be.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ody360 said:


> Though i should add the more she does make good, i do have some resentment building. Which i have read is not good. Now that i am passed the shock and awe of the whole thing. The more she does the more i think, well if you feel this way now, were the F was it for 1 1/2 months when you were doing your EA... this is a issue i going to bring up to my IC.


You may very well be like me and others; after the hysterical bonding period plays out and the shock recedes, then the resentment starts to creep in; along with the continued mind movies and the "stinking thinking".

If that happens, talk to your wife about it. It takes a long time to get over an affair. She needs to realize that.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Wow two "good" news inside a week. Well I'll take it.
> 
> For most men, forgiving EA is far far easier than forgiving PA. Something about having your woman inseminated by another man just kills it for many. I know PA would be a 100% killer for me.
> 
> You know to never let your guard down right?


I agree im to the point now if it was a PA she'd be living with her parents. If im handling a EA this badly, i couldnt imagine if it was a PA. 

And yes my gaurd will never be down and we'll her freedom is gone, she knows this and accepts it. 

Thank you weightlifter you had some good advise this whole time i much appreciate it. You were up front but not over the top and completely not blowing stuff out of proportion. At times reading stuff i tend to see this and sometimes i think it can makes people more hysterical and react badly to there situation instead of being calm and collective. In the end the only way to resolve this is to have your wits about you and to be thinking clearly. Im glad i found this place after a 2 months and not right away, this might of went completely different.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

badmemory said:


> You may very well be like me and others; after the hysterical bonding period plays out and the shock recedes, then the resentment starts to creep in; along with the continued mind movies and the "stinking thinking".
> 
> If that happens, talk to your wife about it. It takes a long time to get over an affair. She needs to realize that.


yeah i found a post about it this week about this same thing im feeling. I actually brought it up to her last night and she is handling it like a champ. Really its all she can do until i get this worked out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ody360 said:


> Your are correct and she has no longer and says she will no longer hang out with them. She would hang with these people while tail gating for college football games and has told me she is no longer going to go to games.. Which is a huge change cause she wouldn't miss a game if her life depended on it. But lets seen in Sept if that is the case. Its easy to say when there are no games to go to. But also to my discovery those peops were inviting her out it was the OM the whole time. So if he wouldn't have been inviting her out she wouldn't of been going. Plus i will not let her go hang out with them unless i go cause i know he is a regular that hangs out with the group. She knows if i do come across this guy, well its gonna be 3 days jail time for me. Unless they break it up and let it be.


If she likes the games so much, YOU should be taking her. No excuses. Never stop dating a wife.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ody360 said:


> Update:
> 
> Well, my wife finally shot out of her fog on 2/5/13. Ever since then she has been awesome. She lets me have my triggers she tells me everything. Is very supportive pretty much everything she needs to do. I did not do a the lie detector test. I'm 100% sure it didn't go PA. I talked to the guys wife that left him, and that night my wife was saying she was going to go over there, his wife said that she was talking to the OM til 2:30 am. she even sent me the messages so i had 100% proof that she didn't end up going over there.
> 
> ...


This is certainly cause for *cautious* optimism...it's only been a month. If she's truly remorseful, then she will continue her progress. If she's just pretending to be, then you will know in a few months (or less in some cases) when you start getting the "get over it already" speech and starts complaining about you monitoring her, keeping her in a cage, etc. 

It takes 2-5 years on average to recover from the trauma of an affair. This is just the first month for you and her. She's starting off on the right foot, and that's good. Now she must continue walking the path of R.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Im a smoking gun kind of guy. I push that hard. Others are confront early types. I go with my gut and it is rarely wrong. Oft times I skip threads where I just dont get a sense of anything.

minor critique you shoulda done the poly but its too late now. I am concerned of earlier stuff. Sorry. For now, mostly concentrate on healing.

EAs suck but PAs are killer. Im glad she is OK being transparent. Hope things go well in your small town (That I had you remove, yes I remember you) LOL. 

GOOD LUCK MAN!

Keep us updated. Even if nothing happens that is good news 3 mos 6 mos 1 year down the road.

PS make your wife read the first few posts on the thread at the bottom of my sig. SHE NEEDS to explicitly recognize players. Im thinking she is very vulnerable to them. the emotional player is very very patient and she needs to recognize them.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I will, these forums sometimes need some positive crap to read. TAM is a drug once you get sucked in you don't want to stop coming hear and trying as much as possible to help other people.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ody360 said:


> I will, these forums sometimes need some positive crap to read. TAM is a drug once you get sucked in you don't want to stop coming hear and trying as much as possible to help other people.


That is why I am here. To help. I push hard for truth finding and I push hard for the healing either d or r. I let the 180 experts explain that part as they are far better at that part than I. 

Not sure how much of a drug as sometimes CWI gets me down and I take small breaks. Usually here it is a slow motion train wreck as red flag piles upon red flag until the smoking gun is finally found like in the Eric and RD threads. Ok RD does not have the smoking gun but his is steadily following the script.

Btw I think you two might just make it... Not often I say that. Mostly crash and burn.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ody Update?


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Well since Dec 8 all has been well well no since February 6 to be honest. That was the day she took full responsibility . She of course had her few months of denial and not thinking she really did much wrong since there was no sex involved. She just wanted to try to forget the mistake she made and try to pretend it never happened. 

We went on a vacation for the first time in like 6 or years alone. Left are son at the in laws house and we had the best time we could of ever possibly had. We had some good quality time. That was well needed. Plus prior to that we were able to communicate and not be afraid to let each other know if something was bothering us or not. In the end that ended up being the big issue no communication and now we are well on are way to a better stronger marriage. I got myself into shape i was rockn 189 now im at 167. I am a construction worker so melting off the fat reveled that i had quite a bit of more muscle then i realized and it has also helped the golf swing and my confidence. My wife recognizes that and is a little bit intimidated by it now. So i uped my sex rank so now i feel we are equal again. We now do everything together. At one point i never had interest in wanting to go do much together but it was a good eye opener and i actually feel like im living life again unlike the dormant life i was leading. 

So in the end it was a good/bad wake up call for myself and are relationship and how i viewed it in my eyes. In the end i myself was in a sort of fog myself about the state of are marriage and now it has been lifted for me as well.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

GLAD to hear it. You were one of the first peeps to really heed my advice back in my personal stone age here.

Keep us updated every once in a while and actually. Stick around on occasion. You are good backup for those of us "blessed" enough that our wives didnt take it physical. Your advice is valuable.

What I didnt know when I wrote the first post to you in Feb was my wife was in an email EA with an ex. My dday March 2, 2013 758AM. I go to see weather on her comp, she left email up. 1st email from ex. "are mareidge" (our marriage) from an ex. sigh. Go figure.

I miss that implicit 100% trust I will never have again. I HATE that.
who knew we had so much in common.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Merry Christmas Ody. Hoping your 2014 is...

less eventful more peaceful.


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