# InAMaze



## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

Hi All -

New here and my first post. Read other posts about husband treating others better and giving more attention to friends, neighbors, etc. Efforts by him for my needs are not a priority. He is definitely EU with narcissistic traits. Really noticed after we got married a year ago. I saw red flags, talked with him, said he understood and he would try to open up, share, etc. He still can’t talk about anything below skin deep, no emotions, no feelings. Seems deathly afraid to open up. I’ve asked why and he has no idea. He acts all nice in front of people but when we are alone, deafening silence. With other people, you can’t shut him up. His desires to hang out with the guys is over the top. He talks with people and compliments them with overzealous comments that I know are fake because he says the opposite when they aren’t around. I can’t stand the fake BS, it’s nauseating. Histrionic Personality Disorder? Brings mistrust because it’s hipocritical. I mention it to him and he gets very defensive saying he will always be overly nice. No one else we know does this, no other neighbors. Their families come first. I just can’t pin the issue down.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Have you spoken with him about getting counseling? Either individual for HIM, or Marriage for the both of you?
Being FAKE overly nice isn't nice. People WILL find out and/or figure this out about him in the long run.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

He needs to read No More Mr. Nice Guy immediately.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Have you spoken with him about getting counseling? Either individual for HIM, or Marriage for the both of you?
> Being FAKE overly nice isn't nice. People WILL find out and/or figure this out about him in the long run.


I have mentioned counseling and work shops but he doesn’t believe in it. He thinks if couples need counseling they are doomed.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So are you saying he was hiding his behavior from you prior to marriage? Or did you suspect something was amiss prior to marriage?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

NarcIThink said:


> I have mentioned counseling and work shops but he doesn’t believe in it. He thinks if couples need counseling they are doomed.


So ask him if he wants a self-fulfilling prophecy? It doesn't mean they are doomed -- it means that both NEED TO LEARN about having a good relationship -- it doesn't just fall out of the sky to land in your head how to do this stuff.
CLEARLY you are not happy -- so does he think you are doomed and no way to fix it? If THAT is his attitude, he may be right.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

NarcIThink said:


> Hi All -
> 
> New here and my first post. Read other posts about husband treating others better and giving more attention to friends, neighbors, etc. Efforts by him for my needs are not a priority. He is definitely EU with narcissistic traits. Really noticed after we got married a year ago. I saw red flags, talked with him, said he understood and he would try to open up, share, etc. He still can’t talk about anything below skin deep, no emotions, no feelings. Seems deathly afraid to open up. I’ve asked why and he has no idea. He acts all nice in front of people but when we are alone, deafening silence. With other people, you can’t shut him up. His desires to hang out with the guys is over the top. He talks with people and compliments them with overzealous comments that I know are fake because he says the opposite when they aren’t around. I can’t stand the fake BS, it’s nauseating. Histrionic Personality Disorder? Brings mistrust because it’s hipocritical. I mention it to him and he gets very defensive saying he will always be overly nice. No one else we know does this, no other neighbors. Their families come first. I just can’t pin the issue down.


I would say narc and histrionic. If it's hard to pin it exactly, he is probably a covert. They are good with superficial charm, or putting on a good show for people, which sounds like what you're describing. You cannot change a narc or a person with cluster b personality. Most important, do not tell them you know they are what they are. They are extremely manipulative so be careful. I personally would not be married to one, so if you can get out, do it.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So are you saying he was hiding his behavior from you prior to marriage? Or did you suspect something was amiss prior to marriage?


I saw after we moved into together a year and a half into relationship. Thought he was just really nice and friendly, has many friendships and a reputation for being a great guy. We moved about a year ago and it’s happening in this neighborhood even worse. What’s frustrating is nobody picks up on the overzealous crap and I am in his shadow with these people. Narcissistic supply I am guessing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like a bad situation. It also sounds like he pulled somewhat of a bait-and-switch. Now that you're married to him, you get to see just how manipulative he can be. I couldn't be with someone like your husband; in fact, it kinda creeps me out. He sounds a bit unhinged. Sadly, it may boil down to you having to make the difficult decision as to whether or not you can live with someone like him. He doesn't want help. Apparently, he doesn't even think he needs help.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I would say narc and histrionic. If it's hard to pin it exactly, he is probably a covert. They are good with superficial charm, or putting on a good show for people, which sounds like what you're describing. You cannot change a narc or a person with cluster b personality. Most important, do not tell them you know they are what they are. They are extremely manipulative so be careful. I personally would not be married to one, so if you can get out, do it.


I have mentioned narcissism to him, he read a couple of articles I sent him, I think he got the picture a little, but when he is nice to me it doesn’t seem genuine. I went though years of him spinning the truth to get his way, so my trust is minimal.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> It sounds like a bad situation. It also sounds like he pulled somewhat of a bait-and-switch. Now that you're married to him, you get to see just how manipulative he can be. I couldn't be with someone like your husband; in fact, it kinda creeps me out. He sounds a bit unhinged. Sadly, it may boil down to you having to make the difficult decision as to whether or not you can live with someone like him. He doesn't want help. Apparently, he doesn't even think he needs help.


No, he doesn’t think he needs help. Getting silent treatment now for venting the other day about this. Granted, I was yelling a bit, but I think I hit a nerve and he’s pissed.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

NarcIThink said:


> I have mentioned narcissism to him, he read a couple of articles I sent him, I think he got the picture a little, but when he is nice to me it doesn’t seem genuine. I went though years of him spinning the truth to get his way, so my trust is minimal.


Yes, they spin everything if it means they win. My sister in law is a covert narc, and she has been this way since I've met her practically. It's 8 years later, still exactly the same. There is no changing them. They will BS you into thinking they have/can, but they can't and won't. Even though there are therapists out there who have an understanding of it, those who have it are unwilling to go. There is a certain way you have to deal with them, so I'd suggest researching how to behave with them and how they think, just for your own sanity. Many youtube videos out there are helpful.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So ask him if he wants a self-fulfilling prophecy? It doesn't mean they are doomed -- it means that both NEED TO LEARN about having a good relationship -- it doesn't just fall out of the sky to land in your head how to do this stuff.
> CLEARLY you are not happy -- so does he think you are doomed and no way to fix it? If THAT is his attitude, he may be right.


He keeps saying that I’m not happy, I say because I need some intimacy from you and a connection, I can’t live with the distance, just want a healthy intimate connection. I think counseling would help, but he refuses to let down his walls.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Yes, they spin everything if it means they win. My sister in law is a covert narc, and she has been this way since I've met her practically. It's 8 years later, still exactly the same. There is no changing them. They will BS you into thinking they have/can, but they can't and won't. Even though there are therapists out there who have an understanding of it, those who have it are unwilling to go. There is a certain way you have to deal with them, so I'd suggest researching how to behave with them and how they think, just for your own sanity. Many youtube videos out there are helpful.


Thank you. Been researching and reading for months. Wish I knew then what I know now, so much out there that no one is aware of until it’s too late.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

NarcIThink said:


> He keeps saying that I’m not happy, I say because I need some intimacy from you and a connection, I can’t live with the distance, just want a healthy intimate connection. I think counseling would help, but he refuses to let down his walls.


Honestly, you can TRY to lead him to water, but....
If he refuses to drink, refuses to get help, refuses to TRY to resolve the issues in the marriage, not really a lot YOU can do about it. You control YOU, not him. You can only talk to him about the consequences of him not working on it (but make sure you are willing to follow through on those consequences).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he isn’t interested in getting help, you can’t make him change. That leaves you with a decision to make.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

How does someone like this appear so popular in people’s eyes?? So frustrating for the outside circle to idealize him when it’s all smoke and mirrors.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

NarcIThink said:


> How does someone like this appear so popular in people’s eyes?? So frustrating for the outside circle to idealize him when it’s all smoke and mirrors.


Because THEY don't have the inside scoop. MANY people do not look beyond the easily visible. Many do not live introspective lives so they don't look at anyone else's actions either. It doesn't take much though for one small mistake and the entire idea crashes. Someone will hear him bad mouthing someone else AFTER they have heard him false praise that person -- and the connections will happen and they will realize that if he does it so some, he does it to all.

One thing -- YOU should now worry about that AT ALL. Don't let yourself go down that rabbit hole. You worry about YOU. Stay healthy, exercise, eat right, sleep, get into new hobbies that YOU want to pursue, meet new people, etc..
Also, you may want some counseling for yourself just to understand how to NOT let this bother you so much, how to move on, and how to "fix your picker" so you don't fall in to the same trap in your next relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

To begin with, stop trying to get him to see the light and have that ah-ha moment. I'd also suggest you quit diagnosing him. It's not going to change who he is or better your situation. It would behoove you to start by looking at yourself. Why are you really with this guy? Why did you ignore the red flags when they started popping up? 

He's not posting here, you are. So I'd suggest you look deeply at the reasons for staying with a man who doesn't meet your emotional needs. Seriously.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Red flags everywhere! This is who he is...you can not, will not change him, he will not, can not look deep inside himself...
You need to decide if you can be happy with the relationship exactly as it is now for the rest of your life...because it will not get better...
You probably already know what you need to do...



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

NarcIThink said:


> No, he doesn’t think he needs help. Getting silent treatment now for venting the other day about this.* Granted, I was yelling a bit, but I think I hit a nerve and he’s pissed.*


That's how it is supposed to work. Bringing down his barriers is not going to be simply a matter of sitting him down and rationally explaining your views and then watching as understanding and self-awereness flow through him. 

He has defensive armor erected to protect his ego and you/he/counselor are going to have to chip that away.

When the various 12-step programs talk about hitting rock bottom before meaningful change can happen, what you experienced is part of the process of getting him there.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> To begin with, stop trying to get him to see the light and have that ah-ha moment. I'd also suggest you quit diagnosing him. It's not going to change who he is or better your situation. It would behoove you to start by looking at yourself. Why are you really with this guy? Why did you ignore the red flags when they started popping up?
> 
> He's not posting here, you are. So I'd suggest you look deeply at the reasons for staying with a man who doesn't meet your emotional needs. Seriously.


You are right. I always think red flags will fade away, still learning my lesson. I always think it’s me being the insecure one, thinking it’s my issues I need to resolve. I realize recently that isn’t all true. I’m not perfect, but I know right from wrong. I excepted his half-truths for years. I am starting to let go now, as sad as it feels.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NarcIThink said:


> How does someone like this appear so popular in people’s eyes?? So frustrating for the outside circle to idealize him when it’s all smoke and mirrors.


They may not be idealizing him like you think they are. Most people are actually fairly skilled at picking up on fakes.

You are only seeing and hearing their reactions when he is present or when you are present.

You aren’t hearing what they are saying behind his/your back.

Other people put up false fronts too. They may be faking their acceptance of him.


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## NarcIThink (Dec 14, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> They may not be idealizing him like you think they are. Most people are actually fairly skilled at picking up on fakes.
> 
> You are only seeing and hearing their reactions when he is present or when you are present.
> 
> ...


Great call! I never thought of that, I have just seen constant “admiration” by adults and kids. Feeling a lot better about the whole subject, letting it all go.


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

NarcIThink said:


> He keeps saying that I’m not happy, I say because I need some intimacy from you and a connection, I can’t live with the distance, just want a healthy intimate connection. I think counseling would help, but he refuses to let down his walls.


I can’t seem to work out what it is you think is wrong with him.
You mentioned he is nice and friendly with others, while distant and gloomy with you. 
Isn’t everyone a bit like that?
Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to you for whatever reason? That’s not necessarily because he has an illness (that you diagnosed yourself for him). I know many men that don’t open up to their spouse because they don’t feel comfortable showing any kind of vulnerabilities: their spouse expects them to always be The Rock. I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here. Just trying to understand how you jump from him not opening up to you, to being mentally ill.


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