# Husband thinks I should do more for my 19 SS



## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

If you want to catch up please read my other posts. My 19 SS lives with us and treats me like garbage. I have followed steps on disengagement and try to have minimal to do with him. He is so far up my H's ass you would think he was a hemorrhoid...tries to act like he is his wife its truly sickening and disturbing. Anyways..as I said I have disengaged..he is toxic. My H and I got into an argument because he wasn't aware I no longer did SS's laundry...I told him I haven't for at least a year..he proceeded to tell SS to put his dirty clothes into our hamper and that I would wash them. I said no I wont, he can do his own laundry...I already do laundry for 4 people. Next I mentioned I needed to go to store to get stuff for the 2 younger kids easter baskets..H says well what about SS's easter basket??? I said well..he is 19 I think that's a bit old for an easter basket..H says that's not fair to him. How many of you make easter baskets for adult Skids? I think this is ridiculous..he also wants SS to participate in the easter egg hunt because he is a "kid". Idk what's worse.. the fact H is pushing this agenda of babying SS or the fact that SS is actually upset and wants to have an easter basket and do the egg hunt. Maybe I am over reacting..maybe not..either way we are not sitting great financially and SS lives off of us 100% and helps bare minimum if H gets after him. What's your thoughts?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

The only think you should be doing for a 19 year old kid is charging him rent and telling him to get a job and a plan to move out.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> If you want to catch up please read my other posts. My 19 SS lives with us and treats me like garbage. I have followed steps on disengagement and try to have minimal to do with him. He is so far up my H's ass you would think he was a hemorrhoid...tries to act like he is his wife its truly sickening and disturbing. Anyways..as I said I have disengaged..he is toxic. My H and I got into an argument because he wasn't aware I no longer did SS's laundry...I told him I haven't for at least a year..he proceeded to tell SS to put his dirty clothes into our hamper and that I would wash them. I said no I wont, he can do his own laundry...I already do laundry for 4 people. Next I mentioned I needed to go to store to get stuff for the 2 younger kids easter baskets..H says well what about SS's easter basket??? I said well..he is 19 I think that's a bit old for an easter basket..H says that's not fair to him. How many of you make easter baskets for adult Skids? I think this is ridiculous..he also wants SS to participate in the easter egg hunt because he is a "kid". Idk what's worse.. the fact H is pushing this agenda of babying SS or the fact that SS is actually upset and wants to have an easter basket and do the egg hunt. Maybe I am over reacting..maybe not..either way we are not sitting great financially and SS lives off of us 100% and helps bare minimum if H gets after him. What's your thoughts?


I think that no matter what you do for your husband, it will never be enough. He gets his thrills humiliating you. He is forcing you to be a slave to everyone else because he is a terrible person. I don't think any of this has to do with the SS or what your husband thinks he should or shouldn't do, this is all about his obsessive need to hurt you. IMHO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One day he will be gone, that is as good as it will get.

He will be out of the house, but not out of your lives.

Bank on this.

He has been coddled, not battle hardened.

Life is a battle.
...............................................................................

This problem will not go away, but will get better when he is out on his own, having his own Wifey doing what he refuses to do.

In the future, keep his father from breaking the bank by financing this stepson's (likely) folly.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think that no matter what you do for your husband, it will never be enough. He gets his thrills humiliating you. He is forcing you to be a slave to everyone else because he is a terrible person. I don't think any of this has to do with the SS or what your husband thinks he should or shouldn't do, this is all about his obsessive need to hurt you. IMHO.


I think you are right..but they both honestly get enjoyment in seeing me suffer in one way or another. I will stand my ground tho..I will not waiver and if H wants SS ass to be kissed..he can use his own lips.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> I think you are right..but they both honestly get enjoyment in seeing me suffer in one way or another. I will stand my ground tho..I will not waiver and if H wants SS ass to be kissed..he can use his own lips.


I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I know how this feels, to have to live this way. I really hope you can escape this.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> What's your thoughts?


Your husband is an ass, but we have already established that. 



The Narcissist's Wife said:


> he proceeded to tell SS to put his dirty clothes into our hamper and that I would wash them. I said no I wont, he can do his own laundry...I already do laundry for 4 people.


A 19 year old is absolutely capable of doing their own laundry. If you wanted to do it sometimes, that's one thing. It is not something that should be voluntold though. 

My 11 and 13 year olds can do their own laundry from start to finish, and my 5 year old is quickly learning. There is no reason why a fully capable adult cannot do it. Your husband doesn't believe in raising functional adults though. 



The Narcissist's Wife said:


> How many of you make easter baskets for adult Skids? I think this is ridiculous..he also wants SS to participate in the easter egg hunt because he is a "kid".


I don't have adult children, but if I did have minor and adult children living in the house, I'm sure my wife would make them a basket as well. That being said, if money is an issue then most adults would understand that. Your SS likely won't though, or he will but won't care. 

I also have no issue with teens participating in Easter egg hunts (or Halloween). That's just my opinion though. My community does Easter egg hunts for adults even (free car wash, anyone?). 

But again, if money is an issue an adult should be able to understand that. Honestly, even little kids can understand the concept.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Your husband is an ass, but we have already established that.
> 
> 
> A 19 year old is absolutely capable of doing their own laundry. If you wanted to do it sometimes, that's one thing. It is not something that should be voluntold though.
> ...


I know it seems petty..but I am really trying to cut costs everywhere. I have suggested SS help pay for utilities, supplies and or rent..but H says absolutely not. I plan on doing dollar tree baskets for the 2 little ones and a basket of candy for the entire family. I also do a large easter dinner on sunday. Next..I cant stand SS..I have had my last or final straw with him. He is a sponge who is disrespectful, rude and lazy..and we are going to lose everything if he doesn't move out soon. We have a farm and he breaks things repeatedly...wastes grain, hay..dumps gas on ground..broke my new quad...throws his trash in the driveway from his truck..spills dog food allover ground..and the list goes on and on. Im tired, exhausted and just plain over it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You truly need to leave your husband. It’s a very toxic dynamic all around and totally agree that he’s trying once again, to humiliate you. You will never out-wit or out-think a narcissist, they’re always one step ahead and they lack empathy. You mentioned in another thread that he has good qualities too but the narcissism will always overshadow that. I hope you find a way to leave this situation, because you will only continue to suffer.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> You truly need to leave your husband. It’s a very toxic dynamic all around and totally agree that he’s trying once again, to humiliate you. You will never out-wit or out-think a narcissist, they’re always one step ahead and they lack empathy. You mentioned in another thread that he has good qualities too but the narcissism will always overshadow that. I hope you find a way to leave this situation, because you will only continue to suffer.


That day will come eventually..when I am thoroughly prepared for the battle that will follow. Until then..he may always be one step ahead of me..but his ego and selfishness will blind him as to how strong and prepared I really am. I refuse to stand by silently and be a doormat.. I did that for too long..now he will see how it feels to row against the current.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> That day will come eventually..when I am thoroughly prepared for the battle that will follow. Until then..he may always be one step ahead of me..but his ego and selfishness will blind him as to how strong and prepared I really am. I refuse to stand by silently and be a doormat.. I did that for too long..now he will see how it feels to row against the current.


I hope it's soon. My heart breaks for you. It's awful to live in a war zone.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I hope it's soon. My heart breaks for you. It's awful to live in a war zone.


Thank you..it is awful..its aged me more than i would like to admit. But my life was never easy or simple and it has all made me as tough as nails. I wont sit around and cry anymore..I take action..observe...plan...prepare...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> I know it seems petty..but I am really trying to cut costs everywhere. I have suggested SS help pay for utilities, supplies and or rent..but H says absolutely not. I plan on doing dollar tree baskets for the 2 little ones and a basket of candy for the entire family. I also do a large easter dinner on sunday. Next..I cant stand SS..I have had my last or final straw with him. He is a sponge who is disrespectful, rude and lazy..and we are going to lose everything if he doesn't move out soon. We have a farm and he breaks things repeatedly...wastes grain, hay..dumps gas on ground..broke my new quad...throws his trash in the driveway from his truck..spills dog food allover ground..and the list goes on and on. Im tired, exhausted and just plain over it.


It doesn't seem petty at all. If you cannot afford it, you cannot afford it. And quite frankly, the apple didn't fall far from the tree with your husband and SS. 

You do a basket of candy for the family, that is plenty and not something I thought about. He has no need for his own basket. Even if you could afford it, he doesn't deserve it. 

Thankfully my wife and I agree on how we parent, and when I had a "step-daughter" (she's legally adopted now) I was allowed to parent her the same as "my" kids. I wouldn't be able to stand having little ****s kids in my house that I couldn't parent. And if they were adult kids, hell no.

You really, really need to leave this horribly toxic situation with yourself and your biological kids. I know that seems impossible and terrifying but it's the only way your life will improve. There has to be a way to get you out of there while making sure your children are safe and with you...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> That day will come eventually..when I am thoroughly prepared for the battle that will follow. Until then..he may always be one step ahead of me..but his ego and selfishness will blind him as to how strong and prepared I really am. I refuse to stand by silently and be a doormat.. I did that for too long..now he will see how it feels to row against the current.


I’m glad to see you’re planning to eventually leave and let me tell you - if you think staying with a narcissist is tough, leaving is even more challenging. They make it so that you feel helpless, either way. So just know, he will try every manipulative thing he can think of to ever keep you from leaving. So keep planning and work on strengthening yourself - really imagining life without him. You will miss him at first but over time, I promise you, that will fade as you start living a life of freedom (and peace) away from him. But know that you have to work on yourself, undoing all the programming he has done to make you feel bad all the time, and learn that your worth isn’t dependent on him. Learn how to value yourself because you’ve stayed this long not just because of him, but because you on some level, believe that chaos and drama is what love is. And it isn’t. 

You can do this, just keep believing in yourself. 🙌


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I hope it's soon. My heart breaks for you. It's awful to live in a war zone.


My story is one I wish all young girls knew..how abuse and mistreatment changes you..and how desperation to be loved and accepted and "fixed" can blind you. Then you end up falling blindly into the hands of a monster. It happens too often...people like that seek out girls like I once was..we are easy prey...all u want is to "feel" loved and that can be easily faked by a predator.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> My story is one I wish all young girls knew..how abuse and mistreatment changes you..and how desperation to be loved and accepted and "fixed" can blind you. Then you end up falling blindly into the hands of a monster. It happens too often...people like that seek out girls like I once was..we are easy prey...all u want is to "feel" loved and that can be easily faked by a predator.


Those "men" find women like that. And in addition to finding them, they raise them. I can't remember if you have girls or not, but your H and his son are teaching those girls they're lower than dirt, something men are obligated to scrape off the bottom of their shoes, and no humiliation is enough to be what they deserve. They are evil, evil vermin. But they are also cowards, because they will piss their legs and drop into the fetal position when a man confronts them. Sadly there are very, very few real men around any more. He hurts you because he is like all the MGTOW, No More Mr Nice Guy, 180 men: he's not strong enough to stand among men, so he must be a tyrant among those who cannot fight back. I really, really want to duct tape him to a fence post and hear the squeals when I use the blow torch. He's just like my father, there is no stopping him, there is only escape.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Anything that needs to be done for this adult kid should be done by your husband!

why would your husband expect you to be doing things for him?

if he wants the kid to eat - have your hubs as buy the groceries! If he wants his laundry done - tell him since the adult kid won’t do it…it’s your husbands job!

stop taking all this crap from two abusers! Tell them no way - point blank! Let them figure out how to deal with life without your help!

stop doing things for your husband too - things he should do for himself! He sounds spoiled!
They want something done - tell them to do it!


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Trying to find the PC words to say this.

does your H think SS is stupid, slow…. Or “special”? Thinking that a 19 year old young man should engage in an Easter egg hunt is beyond the point that I would consider odd. Does he really think SS would enjoy something like that? This makes no sense.


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