# struggling on a daily basis



## jen17 (May 17, 2015)

This is my first post. Just need someone to talk to or someone to listen. Been married 15 years, together 19, 3 children. Husband told me 3 weeks ago that he wants a divorce. Caught me completely off guard..didn't say anything to me until he made his mind up and says there is no chance of counseling or anything. He says he is done and there is no changing his mind. I am completely devastated. Each day is harder than the one before it. We are still living together for 2 more weeks and then will not be. Will things get easier when I don't see him everyday or harder because I will miss seeing him everyday? I don't let him see me cry even though I cry often. He knows I'm upset and sad. Today, he told me to just get over it. How can someone I have loved for so long just walk away so easily and be so cruel?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately people change. 

How old are your children?

Do you work outside the home or are you a stay at home mom (SAHM)?

So he never complained? 

Is he planning to move out?

It's not very common for a man to just leave like that (or a woman) unless they are cheating. Is there any chance that he is cheating?

What I suggest at this that you pull back a bit. Do not chase him, beg him, etc. 

Go see a lawyer ASAP. Don't tell him that you are doing this. You need to know your rights and at this point he does not deserve your confidence.


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## jen17 (May 17, 2015)

Children are 15, 12 and 10. I have been a stay at home mom up until about 9 months ago but I quit that job a month ago because it was overnight shift and was just too much. He let me quit my job before he told me. Nope, never complained. He denies that he is cheating but I have my doubts. I think he is talking to someone else. He is very secretive on his phone. He is going about 3.5 hours from me and the kids. That makes it even harder. He is so willing to walk away from our marriage and move so far away from his children. The first couple of days I did ask him to reconsider working on things but now I do not ask him at all. So hard to even wrap my mind around this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jen, this is really tough on you right now.

Are you sure he is not cheating, it all seems so sudden?

Tell a close and responsible family member or friend, you will need the emotional support for the months ahead.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If he is moving out the area, there has to be a reason. Sounds like he has been making plans for a while. I think there must be another woman involved-as a rule, men just do not leave their families otherwise, out of the blue. Does he have a job in this new city? Is he transferring or starting over? Sounds very suspicious. You had better talk to a lawyer, if you have not already.

Anger is bound to replace the hurt and shock soon and with good reason. Try to keep in mind that a man who would leave in this way is not anyone you know, and not the man you loved and built a life with. He is someone else now, someone acting out of his own selfish reasons. Counseling may help you come to terms with your loss and help get you through all that comes next. Good luck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jen17 said:


> Children are 15, 12 and 10. I have been a stay at home mom up until about 9 months ago but I quit that job a month ago because it was overnight shift and was just too much. He let me quit my job before he told me. Nope, never complained. He denies that he is cheating but I have my doubts. I think he is talking to someone else. He is very secretive on his phone. He is going about 3.5 hours from me and the kids. That makes it even harder. He is so willing to walk away from our marriage and move so far away from his children. The first couple of days I did ask him to reconsider working on things but now I do not ask him at all. So hard to even wrap my mind around this.


Being secretive w/ his phone and planning to move 3 1/2 hours away from a teen and 2 pre-teens? I'd say that the chances that he's *NOT* cheating are _maybe_ 0.1% at most.

Does he have a new job lined up over there?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Jen, I'm sorry you are here. My STBXH did a very similar thing. Told me in October he didn't want us to be married anymore after 24 years. Said he had been thinking about it for a while (but he never said a word to me about being unhappy). Said there wasn't someone else. Wanted to stay in the house until the following summer, when the rental property we own was going to be vacated, and we could wait to tell our then 12-year-old son until then.

I found out in February he had met the OW in September at a funeral of the father of a high school friend he went out of state to attend. And had gone back to see her for a week in December while telling me he was visiting other friends we knew that lived in the same area.

There is almost undoubtedly another woman, here. I'm so sorry. Your husband is being even more cold than mine was at first, though mine has become colder and said some ridiculously callous things to me since February (see my "Stupid S*** Cheaters Say" thread in Coping With Infidelity). Living with him for the last two months was Hell. He moved out two weeks ago after the renters moved out earlier than expected. Now, the OW has flown down to spend a week with him there - 15 minutes away from where his son and I are, so yet another weekend has been less than stellar for us. He really doesn't care about how either of us feel - it's all about him and his happiness.

It doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be a relief in a way when your husband has moved out. It has gotten easier for me every day to not have to see or talk to my STBXH. We mainly text about when he's going to come visit our son or take him wherever, and that works for me. Seeing him and hearing his voice, knowing he's so easily and happily walking away from 25 years of marriage and a 13-year-old son just triggers things for me, so it's best to limit my contact with him. I'm really sorry about your husband moving so far away from your kids, though - that is beyond selfish.

Do see a lawyer right away, as others have said, and don't tell him about it. He's lost the right to be informed about the things you do to protect yourself and your children.

And yes, definitely find a close friend or family member you can confide in. If you can afford counseling, or if you're involved with a church and can trust a member of the clergy, it's also good to talk with an unbiased party who can help you work through this terribly hurtful time in your life.

And keep posting here - you'll find a lot of support and good advice. Unfortunately, many of us here have been through it or are going through it.

Try to take care of yourself, honey. Do something physical that makes you feel better - it doesn't have to be much. Walking every day - now for an hour at a time - may have literally saved me.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Jen, your mind created an idealized person. That is the person who you're in love with. Your husband is in reality is a twisted version of the man you know.

People's identities are construct that we create from our senses and experiences we create with them. You can only operate from that construct. He may have changed, or you really never knew the true depth of him, and either way, it is beyond your capability.

Whatever the case, you will start associating this negative person with the construct of him more and more once you gain more experience with the person he is currently.

You're going through withdrawal symptoms of love. It is triggered the more you are around him, and around the things that remind you of him. But over time, with your feelings and emotions less reciprocated, your emotional and hormonal responses to him will lesson to the point of near extinction.

When you think of him, think more about the hurt and pain he is causing you and your family, and over time, your positive feelings and emotions will disappear when you think of him.

You're learning about the type of person he is capable of being, and as time progresses, it will be easier to accept. Time does heal as you move further and further away from the pain.

In the mean time, do what you can to have a positive impact on your own life. Work out, even if you do not feel like it. Mornings are best as it gives you energy and helps with sleep at night. As cheesy as it sounds, you need to reaffirm yourself about your positive traits, and work on your negative ones.

If you need help, seek therapy,medication could help in dealing with your depression and anxiety until you're mentally stronger to live without them.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry, this is the hardest thing I can imagine going through. Hugs. Taking care of yourself is SO important. Be with friends and family. I've found the people I love have been the biggest source of strength. <3


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Jen, your mind created an idealized person. That is the person who you're in love with. Your husband is in reality is a twisted version of the man you know.
> 
> People's identities are construct that we create from our senses and experiences we create with them. You can only operate from that construct. He may have changed, or you really never knew the true depth of him, and either way, it is beyond your capability.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Continue talking, whether it's to friends, on TAM or in therapy (preferably all 3).

He is not the person you thought he was. It is jarring to find that out. But it gets better over time. Be kind to yourself. Keep as busy as possible. Try and exercise regularly, not because it's huge fun, but so you can sleep - I am still functioning on about 4 hours a night, which is a big improvement from the hour or so I got in the beginning. It's amazing how much more you can take once you have slept a few hours.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

My heart breaks for you......I thought I couldn't live through my husband giving up on me. I am still alive and doing okay after 14 years. Breathe, it takes time. Protect yourself because it points to another woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If he has an OW (highly likely) then he will be in the affair fog for some time. 
You need to be prepared for a time when he may decide that life is not so rosy after all and he wants to come back - will you want him back after that?
You need to start doing a little digging if possible to see what he has been doing (knowledge is power though painful) and get your financials sorted out

Whatever you find out, let his family, your family and friends know that he is leaving because of the OW (he will not like this)

Get a counsellor

Do the 180 on him - let him see you are doing well without him

Get a lawyer to ensure you have yourself and the kids covered fully.

Consider going back to work - interaction on a daily basis with other adults will help you

You are in deep pain right now but you can and will get through this, take control back from him


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Talking to people on TAM is always helpful! Because we too have all been through what u are going through right now. I'm sorry to hear that youre on here. I feel your pain n know exactly what you're going through. As days goes by it'll get better. Just hang in there n try focusing on yourself. Do what makes you happy. 

Your husband is most likely talking to someone else.They always say its no one else, trust me I know n I was a stubborn n foolish to not know this from the get go. Find family n close friends to be with.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Your heart will hurt for awhile.. But trust me it'll get better and you'll be a stronger you after all of this is over.


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