# communal property...what would you do?



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

So this is what's been on my mind lately. I'll *try* to keep it short.

My wife wants a divorce...she goes back and forth between communicating, and cutting off communication. Today she contacted me (after 2 days of ignoring me, right after 2 days of constantly contacting me) she told me any negotiations go through her lawyer...and that her and I, no longer talk. Period.

So, effectively, i'm dead to her apparently...leaving me, and her lawyer to discuss how property is split up.

She filed for an uncontested divorce, naturally, because she wanted me to walk away with nothing at all, other than what I came into the marriage with.

She changed her mind 2 days ago, and decided we should meet and she said she would work on splitting things...however didn't want me to go after her 401k, or anything like that...just basically to....buy me off and send me on my way.

Then she told me "nevermind, my lawyer says to go through him." ...so that kind of complicates things...

She makes 3 times as much as me per year...she suddenly started spending money like it's going out of style...so she has "almost no savings" and really thinks it would be "low of me" to tap into her 401k....she is VERY concerned about her money.

For me...it's not about the money...I say that now of course, but i'm pretty tight on money because of this whole mess, and I wasn't going after "half"...but the way i've been treated lately, i almost want to just because i'm so bitter right now. I stayed polite, and respectful about this whole mess, only to get constantly kicked down, berated, insulted, threatened, you name it....

Getting a lawyer would be expensive to do...which means to cover his costs and what i'd be getting, i'd have to tap into her 401k (where she hasn't blown all her money)...

I don't know...it's messy, and ugly...I don't know what to really do. Do I take the "high road" and walk away with nothing, or next to nothing, and be the good-person out of all this. Or do I give into that bitter side of me, that realizes she is screwing me hard, and take whatever I can?

I never wanted things to go down this ugly road...but she's paving it pretty smooth right now ...so I don't know


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a lawyer.

Btw, is she aving an affair? That woud explain the way she is treating you and her blowing though money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

She didn't come out with it cleanly...but she has been having an emotional affair....she wanted it to turn physical, but the guy apparently doesn't see her that way..She didn't admit this at first, but after digging around, I found out she was looking at plane tickets, and confronted the guy... that's a whole other story though. he treats her like a sister. She on the other hand, still tries to get his affection but he seems pretty firm on not wanting her. Good for him, good for me too.

All the "damage" that she's doing...is because she isn't being honest, she keeps telling lies and distorting things depending on the conversation...So I cannot trust her at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find an attorney who will ask to have their fee paid out of community assets. 

Go for what you are entitled to legally. Which means until the divorce is final she will need to pay you interim support. While you might not want to ask for interim support, it's a good idea to do as it gives her an incentive to settle and settle fast. Otherwise she can draw this out until you get tired of it and give up.

You are entitled to 50% of everything that the two of you acquired during our marriage, to include equity on the house; a portion of the 401K, home furnishings, etc.

As for all the money that she has blown over the last few months. Discuss this with your attorney. She is obligated to be responsible with community assets. She might owe you some portion of that money that she spent if it can be shown to be frivolous.

Another thing is look at her car.. did she put down a large down payment? The equity in the car is also a community asset. That needs to be split as well.

If I remember your other posts, she has been treating you like dirt, with no respect. Stand up for yourself. She needs to know that you have rights as well.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks EleGirl that helps...maybe i'm an idiot, hoping that, you know, we'll still kind of, be friends and whatever...the other part of me thinks, the moment she starts dating, that'll turn ugly...as they tend to do.

And you are right...she has been incredibly nasty to me...but hey, she "apologized" for telling me she wanted me to kill myself, calling me a psycho,a joke, and some other assortment of nasty things...also she "apologized" for filing a restraining order on me...she said she only did it because she was upset and frustrated....but hey, she apologized, right? ....oh, but then she later changed the wording...she said "I'm sorry...that you gave me no choice..."

She's acting mentally unstable...doing some serious damage in the process...I'm fine to stand up for myself, but of course I still care about her, and I can be perhaps the most vicious person on the planet, but I never thought i'd have to act that way towards her...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She is being vicious to get you to back down and not fight for what you are legally entitled do. Do you think for a minute if the roles were reversed and you made more than she that she would just walk away... from what you have been saying here I don't think so.

Remember that we women are now legally and financially equal now. So don't treat it like because you're a guy you should back off. Nope. And remember this is a women telling you this...

When you go through the divorce, don't do anything out of viciousness or vengeance. Just go by the law… you want what you are entitled to by law. Its’ simple, marriage is a legal contract. You both signed it. She agreed to is as well. She broke the contract by having and EA and now she wants to break the entire thing and back out of the financial end of it as well.

Get a good attorney, give him/her instructions and then let the attorneys handle as much of this as they can. And you get on with your life.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

Why don't you have a lawyer already? The first time she told you to only work through her lawyer, that should have set off alarm bells.

You're in a battle to decide how much of your marital assets you should get, she has brought in the heavy artillery, and you haven't even pulled out a squirt gun.

Keep in mind that her lawyer is not your friend, doesn't want a fair settlement for the two of you, and has no interest in whether or not you have enough to live on in a year. His goal is to extract as many concessions from you as possible, leaving you with nothing, if possible.

Get a lawyer before you have any other contact with your STBX or her lawyer.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Go after 50% of everything including her 401k. If she makes more than you, you might even have a right to part of her future income.

If she abandon the marriage for an EA you have ever right to take what is rightfully yours.

Get a good lawyer and have them paid for from your joint accounts.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You need to take everything you can get. Find out what the law states in your community property state and go with it. FK mr. nice guy.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I think I am leaning towards one of my 2 decisions. Here they are:

1. Take what I can get and am entitled to by law, this may be expensive due to hiring and fees etc and yield little outcome, with a considerable amount of emotional and financial damage to both sides.

2. Request a 10k settlement, and 50% of our tax return (including what we receive from having purchased this house), and my remaining assets in the home. I offer her in return, the house in her name only, my name off the title/mortgage, I will not tap into her 401k/retirement plan, nor her upcoming bonus (which was earned through the year we were married)...She can keep all the furnishings in the home, her brand new vehicle etc. She assumes all responsibility for the property, and its upkeep.


Why did I choose number 2?

It would cost me less (even if the attorney takes it out of what i am awarded, it would still cost *me*) 
It would be less devastating to both parties
The home has no equity in it, and she can afford to pay for it on her own.
Other than upkeep and bills, she handled the mortgage, so I didn't truly "contribute" I would say. It's more her home than mine anyway.
It would make me feel better, for doing what *I* think is just, and right, for me.
I am not greedy, I am not in it for the money, or the vengeance. I am simply seeking an amicable settlement, and enough to protect myself as I move forward on the lonely single road ahead.


Any thoughts on this? Anyone experienced or done something similar?


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

I have been on her side of this business arrangement twice. Basically buying them off cheaply and keeping the assets. 
Both times I thought I'd made out like a bandit and it ended up being a curse. Keeping up the homes took all my time and money. The first time i was so broke I couldn't replace any of the furniture she took. It took a year to get a couch. I lived on lawn furniture. I couldn't pay the bills. I took in room mates. it was an awful way to live.
The 2nd time the house was too big for 1 Person. All I ever did was mow the lawn, paint, fix this and that, it never ended. Plus I was broke then too. 

I say go for #2. She'll be thinking she's getting off easy but she's not. If you're not going for the 401(k) or the bonus but have a right to, I'd jack up that $10K to about $25K. Does she have an actual retirement plan in addition to the 401(K)? If so there's probably not a lot there at your age, but it's a bargaining chip.

Keep the lawyers out of it, get all the money you can from her, and walk away.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

If you're going to offer a settlement, initially make an offer that is more in your favor than you're ultimately willing to accept because there's going to be downward negotiations from whatever you put on the table. 

Going at it alone while she's getting the advice of an attorney may be the biggest mistake you ever made second only to marrying her in the first place.

Forget all that crap about "being friends" that's just grasping at straws and trying to hold onto something that is already lost forever.

In my state, new divorce laws make it much easier for the nonmonied spouse to retain their own attorney and go after their stbx for interim legal fees. It levels the playing field but unfortunately increases the conflict and resultant legal fees exponentially. In this case you don't have much of a choice, she's already retained an attorney and told you to speak directly to them. How can you, as a lay person expect to negotiate with a skilled lawyer? The short answer is, you can't.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would go after 50% of the total marital asset balance before the divorce proceedings started, along with spousal support. YOU REALLY NEED YOUR OWN LAWYER.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

gotta look at it as if this was all reversed. she would have no problem azz raping you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Bend her over one last time and give it to her good.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Bend her over one last time and give it to her good.


She's got the lawyer right now, and he doesn't, and is trying to be the reasonable one. I'm afraid he may be the one holding his ankles.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a lawyer, or you are living the adage about the fool who represents himself.

Even if you go for some version on number 2 you need a lawyer to ensure it is done right and fairly.

For example what you believe to be simple may in factt run afoul of the tax man or your credit score.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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