# One year ago this month he had a ONS...FML!!!!



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I am having the hardest time getting through his infidelity still. I feel fine some days, and then other hit a major brick wall and can't stop the tears. 

It was a year ago the 25/26 of June that he slept with a girl he met at a bar. I didn't know about it until September when he confessed. 

Just a brief run down again...we got pregnant, we were both going through some financial hardships and we needed to come up with a plan. So I decided to leave New Jersey and head to Arizona where I thought the job market might be a bit better and rent was a bit cheaper. I left on June 10th, he was to follow me a month later. Turns out, he was so pissed at me for leaving the state and in essence, making him leave the state that he decided he was going to use the time away from to his advantage and find a girl to hook up with. 

And he did. He met a girl at a bar he did work at and pursued her for a week until he got her in bed. His bed, where we had slept together, conceived our daughter. When she came into his room, she made some comment about my picture on his desk and he promptly removed it to the top of the closet. 

I had called and texted him all night, and couldn't reach him. Little did I know then why...he was ignoring me. 

It took him 14 days from the day I left the state to get into bed with someone else. He shut me out and treated me like crap for those two weeks. He had met her the day after I left. She knew about me and the baby I was carrying. And she slept with him anyway. 

Why don't these people (the WS and the the skanks they sleep with) ever consider those of us on the other end? I am a real person with real feelings. I was so in love with him. I trusted him and was looking forward to our future. 

A year later and I am still a mess. I hate her, I hate him and love him all at the same time. I can't for the life of me stop imagining them together in that room. I feel like I am dying inside everyday. 

I wish I could get over it already...everytime I think I am close it all comes crashing down around me again. 

How is the chase of a piece of ass and getting that piece of ass on her back worth more then the woman that loved him??????
Why wasn't I enough?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How? Because he's not a man yet - he's a teenage BOY in a man's body - who is not ready for marriage with real woman, you Lisa.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe I'm being technical, but I wouldn't consider it a ONS because he pursued her for a week. That makes it a very deliberate act, as opposed to a drunken ONS.

What have you done to try to resolve the issues in the marriage? Or have you just swept everything under a rug with an apology and a "don't do that again"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh I agree, it was absolutely deliberate. He was calculating and manipulative. He would call me, make me feel like sh*t and get himself feeling all justified, than he would call her right after. 

He shut himself down from me and gave her the attention and honesty he should have shown me. 

Sick part is, immediately after sleeping with her, he was all nice and loving again. Like a lightswitch went on. 

All the sudden, he loved me again. He got laid and all was right in the world for him.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He's not mature yet. His boundaries are questionable.

Has he shown remorsefulness yet?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Lisa
Sorry for what you are going through. Must be very tough for you esp as you have a young baby to care for too. That's emotional and exhausting on its own without having to deal with this.
I'm sorry I'm not up to speed with where you are now but are you and H now living together and actively working on the marriage?

Anniversaries are tough. We just had the Aniversary of our dday. We are 2 months into R. I'm lucky. H has taken full responsibility for his actions and our R is going well. Saying that though, I can certainly empathise with you. I suffer from frequent mind movies and triggers. The triggers are getting easier to deal with but the mind movies are a *****. I haven't quite figured out how to control them yet. 

So is he showing try remorse and transparency? Is he doing everything he can to make this right for you?
You are sounding angry Lisa, as you know this is completely normal and as BSs one of the emotions we are entitled to feel. This worries me a little though as I never hit the angry stage, not with H anyway. All my anger is towards the OW!

Are you in IC/MC? I know this can be very expensive. I've been lucky and have been having regular IC through my work and it has helped me a lot. I have self esteem issues and blamed myself for a long time. IC has really helped me with realising that this was t my fault and that H chose the path of infidelity.

Anyway Lisa. Hope you and baby are doing ok. What did you have?
Look after yourself and keep healthy for your little person. Your H doesn't deserve you for putting you through such a thing when you were pregnant.
Take care
DG
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweet Tea (May 4, 2012)

Lisa I am so sorry you had to go through that, especially while pregnant.

Is he helping you at all with your triggers and mind movies or is he "over it" and thinks you should be too?

I'm not sure what to tell you except to stay strong for you and your little one.

Take care of yourself!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> All the sudden, he loved me again. He got laid and all was right in the world for him.


God, this is difficult for me, to say this, because I almost did what your idiot husband did. But the light switch moment came before I actually had sex with the OW.

His thoughts might have been: "Hey! I got laid! Oh, ****! I didn't get just laid! I just betrayed my wife! I betrayed the woman I love!"

Realising that you too, can be a cheating POS can come as a shock. Unless all you were looking for was sex with other people, but that's only one potential reason why people cheat.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He is in IC due to his bipolar disorder, we have gone together before. But neither of us as insurance right now, so real marriage counseling is a no go unfortunately. 

He has apologized. Up until the other night though it was always "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry you are sad, I am sorry I made you sad." It was never "I am sorry for sleeping with her." He only said that the other night. I think he regrets doing something that has caused me pain, and I think he really really regrets telling me. But do I believe he truly regrets banging the chick?? H*ll no. She was 22 years old, no kids, no stretch marks, no baggage other than being a skank. He was king of the world for a few hours. I think he was just bummed he didn't buy more condoms. 

He told me that in his mind, while he was doing this, he was acting like I knew he was doing it. It was revenge for leaving him behind. He knew how much I loved him and would "suck it up". And he is right, sorta. I am still here, sucking it up. 

He said that the second I had made the decision to go ahead and leave town, he knew he was going to cheat. He wanted me to stay, but he also wanted me to go (so that he could have the "freedom" to screw around). He says that he wouldn't have cheated had we stayed in NJ. But I think had I stayed, he would have been pissed I ruined his "plans" and probably found a way to cheat anyway. 

He thinks I need to "deal with" his cheating because he as to deal with being a dad when he wasn't really ready. Him cheating is the price I pay for not having an abortion. 

He is the creator of is own chaos. He self sabotages everything good in his life. 

Now, I will also say though that I don't believe he would repeat the behavior if given an opportunity. He seems pretty firm in his fidelity now. I believe he loves me now...

My problem is, I loved him then, I believed in him and us then. I was living one reality and he was making up entirely different one while I was gone. He was supposed to love me then!!!!!

He texted me right after he was done screwing her...told me he loved me. Makes my head want to explode. 

Anyway, do I think he has shown true textbook remorse? No. 
Is there full transperancy? No. But I watch him like a hawk anyway. 

Do you know that he actually called her 2 months ago to APOLOGIZE for giving her an STD scare???? I was pregnant when they slept together, so being pregnant, I get a full work up of tests done. I came back with a false positive for chlamidia in November, and he emailed her back then and told her to get checked, even though they used condoms. Well in the beginning of April, he felt "bad" about all that and was compelled to call her and apologize for giving her the scare. WTF.... she slept with a man who was in a relationship. She knew the risks! She did it anyway. He didn't tell me he called her by the way. A little bird clued me in. 

I just can't get past all this crap. I wish I could. But a year later it all still feels like I just found out.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh and we are not married. Engaged, have a baby girl together, have a house together. I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship and he is very good with him. 

Not being married doesn't make any of this easier, still hurts the same as if we were. The thought of walking away feels like a knife in my chest..


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I have been thinking how I am going to spend June 25 and 26th...curled up in a ball on the floor, raging at him, quiet turmoil...I think I might go have a few drinks in the bar where she works. You know, she got to spend the night with my man, why not make her spend the evening with me this year...what I would give to make them feel even a fraction of the constant uncomfortable feeling I live with on a daily basis. 

And yes Daisy, I am very angry. What he did is turning me into a person I never thought I would become. I have no clue how to deal with it, how to heal, how to forgive.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I think the reason why this bothers you so much is because you haven't dealt with it all. And he's not really sorry for what he's done, and not doing much to help you move forward. You know him and the situation, but I don't see why you'd feel like he's now "firm in his fidelity". Like what, he wasn't decided before, but he is now? Based on his lack of remorse, I'd guess that the first time you do something to piss him off, he'll be on the phone with this skank or another.

Relationship counseling is cheap compared to paying for two households. You can also check into subsidized options, or counselors that will charge based on your income. Or even church based.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I have raised the same point with him...what happens the next time I do something that really pisses you off? He said he doesn't blame me for feeling that way, and just said that it does kill him to see how badly he has hurt me. 

But the next discussion he is saying I need to get past it already. 

I am not dealing with this in the right way at all...I just don't know what the right way is.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

You guys need counseling. You need to find a place that does sliding scale or free work like a church group. 

He did this. My husband is an alcoholic... he had a drunken black out ONS. He didn't stalk a woman. You're taking out anger on this woman that should be taken out on him. She didn't stalk him, he did this. I personally I don't like to hear my husband say I'm sorry I cheated on you. He knows what he did.

He wants you to get past it because it's hurting him to see you hurt. This wasn't a oops I didn't realize what was happening thing. You both need to realize that, and he needs to stop contacting her completely. There is no need for it. And why you would even want to be in contact with her is beyond me. I'm also confused because I thought you were moving? I'm guessing you're back in the original town?

Find counseling, there is free or low cost counseling out there, you both need to go, or you need to go by yourself until you can walk away.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm right there with you. Yesterday and today (who knows cause it was during the night and they were drunk) is the 9 year anniversary of my WS's ONS. Unfortunately, it also coincides with his birthday! I found out 8 months ago. I'm still in an awful place, it really is torture. I'm dealing with the years I didn't know, too. The years our children were babies. He has distorted all those memories for me. It's very sad. Now I have to celebrate his birthday on one of the worst days of my life, too. Hugs, I know how you feel today. They really are mean.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Riven, he may have been the persuer, but she knew all about me and the baby I was carrying. She is culpable and a disgusting excuse for a woman. I have plenty of anger at them both. And yes, I agree counseling is needed. We moved to arizona last summer, but came back to jersey in Feb. Probably one reason I am not coping well, I am always reminded of what he did here before he joined me in az. I needed to know he was sorry for the actual act...not just what the act did to me. 

I don't want to be in contact with her...unless it is to tell me he is sniffing around her again, but the petty side of me wouldn't mind looking her in the eye while she pours my shots. Trust me, none of this is healthy. I am stuck in a very angry and hurt place and unless I can forgive and let go, I need to walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

lisab0105 said:


> Riven, he may have been the persuer, but she knew all about me and the baby I was carrying. She is culpable and a disgusting excuse for a woman. I have plenty of anger at them both. And yes, I agree counceling is needed. We moved to arizona last summer, but came back to jersey in Feb. Probably one reason I am not copibg well, I am always reminded of what he did here before he joined me in az. I needed to hear him say he was sorry for the actual act...not just what the act did to me.
> 
> I don't want to be in contact with her...unless it is to tell me he is sniffing around her again, but the petty side of me wouldn't mind looking her in the eye while she pours my shots. Trust me, none of this is healthy. I am stuck in a very angry and hurt place and unless I can forgive and let go, I need to walk away._Posted via Mobile Device_



This!!!^^^^^^^^^^^


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