# Confused by brothers behavior towards me - Unfollowed me on social media.



## sandysun (7 mo ago)

This is a bit of a long story, so sorry for the long post in advance. I have an older brother and I have always felt like he has an issue with me, and other family members have noticed it too. I am not sure if it is because I am younger than him so he felt as the younger sibling I was favored (even though I don't think I was), but to be honest, his behavior over the years has made it hard for me to warm to him as a person. We are polar opposites which isn't a bad thing, but as I have gotten older I have always felt on edge when being around him because I don't trust him.

He has stolen things from me before, he has stolen money from my parents, he asks to borrow things and then keeps them and never returns them, and he only reaches out when he wants something. Being that we are family, I have tried to check in every once in a while because I hate the thought of not talking to family as you only get one, but I would often reach out and after a few messages he would just fall off, and I was tired of always being the one reaching out so I stopped putting the effort in.

One Christmas a few years ago the family all took a trip together and he followed everyone on Instagram but me. I know it is just social media which I don't really care about, but it is another example of him doing things that make me think he obviously has some sort of issue with me and I don't know what it is. He also asked me what my Instagram handle was to tag me in the family photo we took at dinner, but when my dad noticed he hadn't followed me on Instagram my brother said he didn't know my handle. Me being me, I let it go and just carried on being civil. Another really weird thing is that he told my mom he wished he and I were closer, yet any attempts I have made to talk to him over the years and check in he barely even repsonds to, so it is weird he paints one picture to my mom but his actions towards me are very different.

We also have a family chat where we talk about things going on in our lives and I have posted in there before about my job and when I received the job offer and other things that happen in my life as they come up. He completely skips over the stuff about my life and changes the subject, and he does it a lot. The only time he asked about my job is when he was curious how many people I managed and how high up I was at the company.

The only time he has ever reached out to me is when he wants something or if he needs a place to stay if he is in town, which though not often, was becoming more frustrating to me. The last time he reached out he was asking me for help with something he wanted me to order to my address for one of his friends, because he lives in a different country and delivery wasn't available to the country he lives in. When I told him that it upsets me that he only reaches out to me when he wants something he just said "forget it I will ask mom and dad" and he didn't even address my feelings.

A few months ago we had a family game night and out of nowhere he accused me of cheating in the game. This sounds petty because IT IS PETTY, but it was so bizarre and so out of nowhere that I was honestly just really perplexed and confused by his behavior and why he would make up something so random. My parents were there and knew I hadn't cheated, but they too thought his behavior was extemely weird and didn't understand it all. After that I was still civil because I didn't want to make the weekend uncomfortable for my parents, but it was a very odd situation.

Fast forward to my birthday a few months ago. He wished me a happy birthday and I said thank you for the wishes and that was that. I was talking to my mom earlier as she is visiting family and she said he has been avoiding her and my dad and how he is acting a bit strange, and when I went to send him a message for his birthday, I noticed he had unfollowed me on Instagram.

So I guess my question is, would you not reach out? We don't really talk anyway as I said, but I was going to wish him a happy birthday (that is really the only time I reach out now), but at the same time I am so over his up and down behavior and being the civil one when he clearly has some issue with me, and I just don't know if I can be bothered anymore. I am not sure if I want to even talk out the issues because when it has come up before with mom and him he said he has no issues with me at all and wishes we were closer, but his behavior says otherwise.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I stopped reading after barely starting. You need to understand that you can never make someone value you even if you think your actions towards them should make it that way. You are wasting your time with him. Leave it be and stop doing him any favors.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m not being rude but you need to understand something. You don’t get to tell anyone else how they should feel about you. 
Your brother has made it clear that he doesn’t want a close relationship with you. Accept it and move on.


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## sandysun (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m not being rude but you need to understand something. You don’t get to tell anyone else how they should feel about you.
> Your brother has made it clear that he doesn’t want a close relationship with you. Accept it and move on.


I think you're totally missing what I am asking here. I don't want to be close to him nor do I want to tell him that he has to speak to me because I don't particularly like him. With that being said, if you don't want to be close to someone you shouldn't reach out to them to stay at their house or when it suits you because you want something. This isn't me asking for advice on how to be closer to him. This is about navigating family dynamics going forward. If we weren't family I would never speak to him, but I have kept civil for my family. I wish him a happy birthday every year because it is still a family member. My dilemma is more so going forward. If I just completely stop any communication if I will seem a jerk and if it will cause bad feeling with family, or if it is warranted at this point.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Jeez - not sure what to say to you!

YOUR description of your sibling - steals! - "borrows" and doesn't return! - and more - Not only is that very anti-social behavior - it is borderline criminal. (Not sure if a DA would want to pursue a case of theft (how much?) between "family" members.

The situation you describe is a product of your siblings mental warp and your family ignoring/accepting/not accepting but keeping mum - regarding his actions.

I have or "had" one of those in my family. Well, actually two! I wrote them out of my life over 50 years ago. There is enough crap in the world we HAVE to deal with - and a miscreant (lightly saying)
family member is one that ISN'T a necessary addition to your daily grind.

Seems to me you want "all to be peach-fine" with family relations. 

Kind of like going to a picnic and having the wafting odor of a Skunk in the air.

Poser: Would you still want to be "family" with your sibling if he was convicted child predator or pornographer? A rapist? See my point?

The "bad feeling" with the family - not your doing!!!!!!!

Good luck


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

sandysun said:


> If I just completely stop any communication if I will seem a jerk and if it will cause bad feeling with family, or if it is warranted at this point.


You will need to stop worrying so much about your image and get real. The real is that you do not like each other.
It happens, there isn't anything wrong with having boundaries and lot's of people decide to remove themselves from toxic familial relationships.
My advice is to be authentic.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

sandysun said:


> If we weren't family I would never speak to him,


Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with them. When you are around him at family events, be polite, but that's all. It's his choice to be a POS and that's not on you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> Just because you share DNA with someone doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with them. When you are around him at family events, be polite, but that's all. It's his choice to be a POS and that's not on you.


This. Do your part in sending cards on birthdays. But let the rest go.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Why not just keep going what you’re doing? Be polite when you’re with him as you would anyone. Don’t do things for him. Have excuses ready if he asks. That’s it. Be polite because that’s a basic requirement of good adulting, but don’t go out of your way and don’t do things for him. Easy peasy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sandysun said:


> I think you're totally missing what I am asking here. I don't want to be close to him nor do I want to tell him that he has to speak to me because I don't particularly like him. With that being said, if you don't want to be close to someone you shouldn't reach out to them to stay at their house or when it suits you because you want something. This isn't me asking for advice on how to be closer to him. This is about navigating family dynamics going forward. If we weren't family I would never speak to him, but I have kept civil for my family. I wish him a happy birthday every year because it is still a family member. My dilemma is more so going forward. If I just completely stop any communication if I will seem a jerk and if it will cause bad feeling with family, or if it is warranted at this point.


In my personal opinion, you won't seem like a jerk if you stop making the effort to communicate. Your brother on the other hand, sounds a bit immature, and like he doesn't value you as a person and as his brother. I'm not a fan of people reaching out to talk only when they need something, and so if it were me, I'd just quietly put an end of making the effort. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's unfortunate, but we don't get to pick our family, we're just born into whatever it happens to be. We can however, build our own families by either creating our own or through close-knit friends.


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