# Vindication and lessons learned



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

New information recently came to me concerning a relationship I had with a girl over three decades ago. I relate it as a case study to reinforce what many TAM members already know and preach. 

Relevant background info includes the fact that my natural disposition and upbringing made me confident and tough in the sense that I never took much nonsense from others. 

I was in my early 20's and found myself in an exclusive relationship with a girl whose family had been known to my family for decades. We knew them to be honorable folks and we planned to soon be engaged. 

We were both college students and I had an excellent paying summer job so I planned to sit out fall semester so I could make extra money. We planned to carry on a long distance relationship for several months till I could rejoin her at school. 

She was to return after the first two weeks for the weekend. In those days our communication was limited to mail and occasional phone calls so not much went on between us. About two days before her return I mysteriously became anxious about our relationship. My gut told me something was wrong, but I had nothing to substantiate it. Maybe is was the lack of communication. I didn't know.

Friday evening I picked her up for our date and when we got a couple miles down the road I caught a glimpse of a concealed hickey on her neck. 

Obviously it wasn't from me, so I stared ahead while I drove to the next turnout and turned the car around to head back to her house. She asked what I was doing and I said I forgot something. We silently drove back to her house and though it was only a couple miles it seemed like eternity. I pulled into the driveway, got out and opened her door and she got out. 

I said "I saw the hickey on your neck. It's over between us". I then got in my car and drove off leaving her crying in the driveway. I never saw her again.

My next post will be what I recently learned three decades later.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWJX9yUKJeQ


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?

Come back in 5 minutes and I will tell you.. 


Well I'm that idiot.. I been refreshing this thread waiting for the story for 10 minutes already.. But I need to know


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Still waiting.........


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Baseballmom6 said:


> Still waiting.........


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73tGe3JE5IU


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

BTW, I was heart broken for a while, but I sucked it up and instinctively did the 180.

Now, decades later I find myself living in a different area but I occasionally visit my mom and get the gossip about the rural community I grew up in where everyone knows each other. 

Out of nowhere my mom mentions she visits with my would-have-been mother in law occasionally and related to me what she was recently told by her. 

The story basically entails what a train wreck of a life my ex has had and all its gory details. Then mom summarized it with the quote my ex allegedly told her mom ... "the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was blowing it with commonsenseisn't" 

It occurred to me that I could feel vindicated, but instead I felt sadness and relief at the same time. Sadness for what had become of the ex and relief that I had indeed dodged a bullet. 

It was obvious my would-have-been mother in law wished her daughter had stayed with me which was flattering, especially in light of my ex's subsequent love life. 

So, lessons learned: Obviously, I had avoided doing time in hell with a woman who had chosen, in spite of a good upbringing, to cheat on me. She had no excuse to cheat on me or do the horrible things later on to her husband and children. My decisive action that fateful day saved me from who knows what. 

Also, my decisive action set a precedence that served me well for the rest of my life. Unbeknownst to me I would later be tested to a level much worse and if I had not conditioned myself to respond thus I might have been a suicide. 

Now that I am older (55) I can look back on my life and truly feel the validation of making good choices. I have been lucky not only to have the natural disposition to deal effectively with these events, but I was also lucky my parents trained me to respond correctly to adversity. I guess I could feel vindicated, but I only feel lucky.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Hardtohandle said:


> How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?
> 
> Come back in 5 minutes and I will tell you..
> 
> ...


Sorry, My wife just got home from being out of town. I had to take time to greet her.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Yea it is nice to know these things.. 

It is happy and sad at the same time.. 

This relationship stuff is really hard and there are no real true answers.. You just do it and hope for the best.. In the end you can never control the other person and you can only be the best you can be and hope the other person does the same..

School and work are much easier that is for sure..


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> BTW, I was heart broken for a while, but I sucked it up and instinctively did the 180.
> 
> Now, decades later I find myself living in a different area but I occasionally visit my mom and get the gossip about the rural community I grew up in where everyone knows each other.
> 
> ...


That certainly sounds serious!!! Don't tell me that after dodging the bullet with your ex that you had to suffer through infidelity from a different woman years later! :scratchhead:


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

thummper said:


> That certainly sounds serious!!! Don't tell me that after dodging the bullet with your ex that you had to suffer through infidelity from a different woman years later! :scratchhead:


Yep, I did. Someday I'll tell the story. Suffice it to say my ex wife was a WAW with a secret affair partner, but then she immediately married another guy the day our divorce was final. 

I was gaslighted into thinking it was all my fault that she was a WAW in the first place. I spent 18 years beating myself up thinking I caused her to be a WAW. I was absolutely brutal on myself. I finally know now that it was all her fault. 

I started to lurk on tam several years ago and after learning all about this subject I realized the truth. Was able to verify it with a little investigation. But that's another story.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Sorry, brother! That really sucks!!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Commonsenseisn't

Sorry for your pain. I too thought I caused my WW to stray. I thought I couldn't satisfy her, meet her needs, or bring joy to her life. Until I found TAM. I know now that it was her shortcomings that caused her to cheat even though I'm not perfect. I thought she was perfect but apparently I was incorrect. Even after I learned all this it didn't help with the pain or devastation. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace and happiness.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Now that I am older (55) I can look back on my life and truly feel the validation of making good choices.


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## Lancer (Sep 15, 2014)

Wow, two bad situations, sorry you had to go through the pain


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> So, lessons learned: Obviously, I had avoided doing time in hell with a woman who had chosen, in spite of a good upbringing, to cheat on me. She had no excuse to cheat on me or do the horrible things later on to her husband and children. My decisive action that fateful day saved me from who knows what.


Let me play devil's advocate a bit.

It's always good to get closure. But in your zeal for that closure, it sounds like you are making an awful lot of assumptions here, and looking for life lessons where there might not be any. 

Because she had a hickey on her neck doesn't mean she was sleeping around. She could have just been kissing the other guy (or girl).

She broke your trust, but that doesn't mean she was a bad person, she was irredeemable, or that she was condemned to a miserable life from them on. 

Also, you don't tell us exactly what stories you are hearing about your ex, but keep in mind you are getting this information third hand, filtered through her mother and yours.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

theseus said:


> let me play devil's advocate a bit.
> 
> It's always good to get closure. But in your zeal for that closure, it sounds like you are making an awful lot of assumptions here, and looking for life lessons where there might not be any.
> 
> ...


the gist of the story was she abandoned her husband and kids after a lengthly affair. Seemed fairly obvious, but you are correct, it was all heresay. Knowing our moms as i do, i believe it to be mostly correct. 

I too play devils advocate in thinking about what could have, would have happened in certain scenarios, but have now chosen to stop overthinking it. Thanks for your feedback.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Yep, I did. Someday I'll tell the story. *Suffice it to say my ex wife was a WAW with a secret affair partner, but then she immediately married another guy the day our divorce was final.
> 
> I was gaslighted into thinking it was all my fault that she was a WAW in the first place. I spent 18 years beating myself up thinking I caused her to be a WAW. I was absolutely brutal on myself.* I finally know now that it was all her fault.
> 
> I started to lurk on tam several years ago and after learning all about this subject I realized the truth. Was able to verify it with a little investigation. But that's another story.


Unfortunately, sometimes when we dodge one bullet, we step right into the path of another.

Make's ya wish you could wrap your heart with kevlar, don't it.


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