# Wife or Girlfriend hanging out with her single friend whose dating married man



## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Another of the interesting scenarios (this happened to me).

Supposed your wife or girlfriend has a long time friend from high school. They loosely keep in touch but the friend (who is single) is now knowingly engaged in a relationship with a married man.

Now, suppose your wife/gf goes to dinner with not only the friend but the friend's married AP is there. You are not present and find out AFTER the dinner that this took place but she volunteered the information . 

I can speak for myself, I personally asked my GF many questions as she knew I would be unhappy that she was hanging out with a cheating couple.
Who is the guy and does his wife know?
Why did he need to come along to the dinner?
Does he contact or message you?

My style for this kind of thing is to be very distant to people who are doing such things. I told her that I don't want to associate with them and that I felt that she should only go to dinner with the friend and the married guy should be left at home.

How would you have handled it?


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I agree. I wouldn't be hanging out with people who think so little of marriage/commitment, and I would hope my H would feel the same.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Frankly, her being friends and hanging out with someone who is intentionally destroying a family tells me a lot about your girlfriend's character. Add the fact that she is comfortable going to dinner with her friend's married pig ... I mean boy friend ... says she is comfortable with infidelity. All bad signs in my mind.

If your relationship with your girlfriend is serious and long term, I would re-think it. If she is OK going to dinner with those two low lives, I'm willing to bet that she thinks cheating would be OK for her too if she feels like it. You really can judge a person by who their friends are.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Frankly, her being friends and hanging out with someone who is intentionally destroying a family tells me a lot about your girlfriend's character. Add the fact that she is comfortable going to dinner with her friend's married pig ... I mean boy friend ... says she is comfortable with infidelity. All bad signs in my mind.
> 
> If your relationship with your girlfriend is serious and long term, I would re-think it. If she is OK going to dinner with those two low lives, I'm willing to bet that she thinks cheating would be OK for her too if she feels like it. You really can judge a person by who their friends are.


Couldn't agree more!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ummm... That would be a big, fat No-No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Interesting conundrum. On the one hand, it's not necessarily indicative of what a person would do, themselves. On the other, it shows an acceptance of a relationship like that - or at least an acceptance of her friend, warts and all.

For me, it would really depend on how your girlfriend told you about this. Was it "no big deal"? Or did she show even the slightest sign of not being totally okay with her friends situation? Did she find it funny or amusing? Did she indicate she thinks she's not doing anything wrong (ie. her friends husband is an ass)? Does she think they make a good couple or are a good match for each other? Etc.

Either way, I think you had another thread about your GF's seemingly loose morals, so I think it's a moot point.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

My parents mentioned once showing up for a group dinner and one dude, who they had assumed was bringing his wife, brought his mistress instead. My Mum was so uncomfortable. She said she didn't really know what to say to her, but thought it was interesting that everyone was nice to the guy, and horrible to his mistress. I guess they could have felt awkward and we're trying to cover by being extra nice. Maybe it was that they didn't know the mistress. Who knows. But my Mum, who she says she covered it well, found it so disrespectful to the guy's wife, as everyone knew her and was at least friendly with her, and my Mum was pretty mad at the guy, even tho she wasn't close with his wife. I don't know. If it hadn't been sprung on her, she probably wouldn't have gone. My Dad has a much more live and let live approach. Even he thought it was a bit cruel and definitely showed lack of character.

So, I guess the big question is, did your gf KNOW this girlfriend was going to bring her married f buddy or did he just show up?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What are her thoughts and feelings about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> Another of the interesting scenarios (this happened to me).
> 
> Supposed your wife or girlfriend has a long time friend from high school. They loosely keep in touch but the friend (who is single) is now knowingly engaged in a relationship with a married man.
> 
> ...


Ask when she is going to meet the spouse of the friend's lover?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> What are her thoughts and feelings about it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^ This, Did you speak to your GF about how she felt. Might provide some insights to her opinions of cheating (which I think could be very useful for you to know)


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yeah I just couldn't respect anyone who thought so little of marriage. If she kept that friend I would think that's awfully telling on her own views of love and commitment. Would end up being a deal breaker


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, did this situation come up with the same ex-fiancée that you broke up with a year or more ago? The one who apparently wants you back, that you don't want back but keep talking to and having dinner with? 

If so, you already know that she's untrustworthy, has poor boundaries, and isn't long-term relationship material. Are you really wondering if others would be okay with her behavior? Why does that matter? You weren't okay with it and that's all that's really relevant.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

They're either shopping for a 3-way or looking for someone to validate their behaviour. 

Not sure which one is worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Something like this has happened to me. My best friend, at the time, from high school was seeing a married man. I was having difficulties in my married and on the road to divorce. I didn't like it and expressed that she was playing with fire. I had never met the married man. I kept my distance from her.

One day, she asked me to a bar to have a drink. I figured, it was close to my house. I told my husband that I was meeting her down the street and if he wanted to...he could join. It ended up, that I showed and she introduced me to the married man and his guy friend. This guy friend indicated that he thought it was awful of what I was going through. Huh? I felt setup in several ways. My husband showed, shook their hands and promptly left. He also felt uncomfortable. 

I stayed briefly and never saw her again. We don't talk to this day. She called me, the next day, to ask "what do you think." (about married man). I said "I think you should divorce your husband before you see someone else." She said a few words and that was it. Later on, she dumped the married guy and attempted to connect with me for coffee.

I was non-committal and felt that she showed her character; damaged her husband and put her kids through hell at the time. What would she do to me?

It's a character flaw in my opinion. Be careful who you surround yourself with.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

jdawg,

Never refuse a chance to bust cheaters, should have... 

pretended it was OK, 

went to dinner with them a second time, 

took photos if possible.

chatted them up about communication apps are good etc, intel. intel. intel.

busted him to his wife.

wait for your GFs reaction if negative dump her, she approves of cheating too much and is not a long term prospect.

Tamat


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## mcquestion (Jan 8, 2016)

If she approves of this type of behavior, it's bad news.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> Frankly, *her being friends and hanging out with someone who is intentionally destroying a family tells me a lot about your girlfriend's character. Add the fact that she is comfortable going to dinner with her friend's married pig ... I mean boy friend ... says she is comfortable with infidelity. All bad signs in my mind.
> *
> If your relationship with your girlfriend is serious and long term, I would re-think it. *If she is OK going to dinner with those two low lives, I'm willing to bet that she thinks cheating would be OK for her too if she feels like it*. You really can judge a person by who their friends are.


I agree 100% . She doesn't sound like wife material. Many times you can judge a person with the company they keep. 

Look at @Corpuswife example. Her cheating friend tried to drag her down into the gutter with her. Luckily, she had standards. Even though her husband should not have left his wife in an obviously shady situation and she should have left with hubby, knowing what her friend was obviously plotting, she stood strong.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This is a new woman I met. Few dates then other night tells me about her friend who she had dinner with and then after the fact tells me about Mr Married man who was there. When she told me this, my gut felt that she was way too casual about it. She never once reflected or commented about the negative side of what her friend was doing. All like no big deal. Even after she told me, I was silent for a second and she asked, "what?". LOL.

I'm going to explicitly tell her that her easy acceptance of cheating shows me she has poor character and that is why I don't want to continue to see her. Not much invested in her thankfully.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> I'm going to explicitly tell her that her easy acceptance of cheating shows me she has poor character and that is why I don't want to continue to see her. Not much invested in her thankfully.


If you know the relationship isn't going to go anywhere, then it's cool to hang out and reap the benefits, if that's what you are interested in ... a casual relationship. Clearly, she can't be anything more to you than that, with that attitude.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Nah, women like this and friends like hers will lead to drama. 
I'd rather be at the gym or reading than get mixed up in that kinda stuff. 

My last girlfriend/exF did a number on my view of women for sure. The slightest flaw in things like cheating and boundaries and they are bye-bye. But it's fun to post on TAM the "what would you do"




The Middleman said:


> If you know the relationship isn't going to go anywhere, then it's cool to hang out and reap the benefits, if that's what you are interested in ... a casual relationship. Clearly, she can't be anything more to you than that, with that attitude.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Frankly, her being friends and hanging out with someone who is intentionally destroying a family tells me a lot about your girlfriend's character. Add the fact that she is comfortable going to dinner with her friend's married pig ... I mean boy friend ... says she is comfortable with infidelity. All bad signs in my mind.
> 
> If your relationship with your girlfriend is serious and long term, I would re-think it. If she is OK going to dinner with those two low lives, I'm willing to bet that she thinks cheating would be OK for her too if she feels like it. You really can judge a person by who their friends are.


Yep.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> This is a new woman I met. Few dates then other night tells me about her friend who she had dinner with and then after the fact tells me about Mr Married man who was there. When she told me this, my gut felt that she was way too casual about it. She never once reflected or commented about the negative side of what her friend was doing. All like no big deal. Even after she told me, I was silent for a second and she asked, "what?". LOL.
> 
> I'm going to explicitly tell her that her easy acceptance of cheating shows me she has poor character and that is why I don't want to continue to see her. Not much invested in her thankfully.


But first, use her for your pleasure.



. I'm a dead man...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It's fun to joke about but if this is how she deals with things in a potential new relationship then you know you've only seen the tip of the iceberg.

I have not gotten to the point of asking her about her past of cheating but after I told her my view of the mistress and married dude I'm sure she'd lie anyways.




bandit.45 said:


> But first, use her for your pleasure.
> 
> 
> 
> . I'm a dead man...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I say have fun with her, show her a good time, but don't get attached. This little relationship will burn itself out soon.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some of my friends have cheated. They are still my friends. I can have more influence over their choices by remaining their friend and advising them, than by judging them, after which they'll stop listening to me. Those who have cheated are still basically good people who've made a serious mistake. They can be redeemed, I think, and I can help with that. To do otherwise is failing to be a friend, and IMO would be a selfish thing. As Lao Tzu said (roughly), "What is a bad person, but a good person's work?"


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I also have friends that cheated. But they did not mix me in while at dinner or make me a participant in any way nor did I know it was occurring.

That too me is an entirely different ball game.

Asking your friend to have dinner with you and your affair partner? I can't even imagine....



Married but Happy said:


> Some of my friends have cheated. They are still my friends. I can have more influence over their choices by remaining their friend and advising them, than by judging them, after which they'll stop listening to me. Those who have cheated are still basically good people who've made a serious mistake. They can be redeemed, I think, and I can help with that. To do otherwise is failing to be a friend, and IMO would be a selfish thing. As Lao Tzu said (roughly), "What is a bad person, but a good person's work?"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> If you know the relationship isn't going to go anywhere, then it's cool to hang out and reap the benefits, if that's what you are interested in ... a casual relationship. Clearly, she can't be anything more to you than that, with that attitude.


Nothing wrong with FWB if that's what you are comfortable with.
Hey MGTOW pump and dump. :grin2:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> I also have friends that cheated. But they did not mix me in while at dinner or make me a participant in any way nor did I know it was occurring.
> 
> That too me is an entirely different ball game.
> 
> Asking your friend to have dinner with you and your affair partner? I can't even imagine....


100% agree. This is a person that condones cheating. Dump her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> 100% agree. This is a person that condones cheating. Dump her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


... But get some first...


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

FWB is not really my style. I think this is because I married so young and had 22 years with my exW. FWB does not compute in my head. 

Definitely see a lot of men and women serial dating and I'd rather find out quickly if things align and give it a shot or dump them as fast as possible.

I'm not at MGTOW stage yet, maybe someday. HAHAHA




tom67 said:


> Nothing wrong with FWB if that's what you are comfortable with.
> Hey MGTOW pump and dump. :grin2:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> But first, use her for your pleasure.


Nah... Gotta disagree here. With her apparent values, much too high of an STD risk... OP is best to follow his gut and steer clear of her drama. (Condoms don't protect one from everything.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I like this post for the honesty.

For me, if a woman I am with is hanging out with is going to dinner with the mistress friend and her married bf, I see it as bad company. Should anything every happen with me and the potential girlfriend it's quite clear the boundaries and mindset they have in place.

"He's not treating you like a princess, maybe we can go to the bar and get some attention. wink wink. This is why you it's easier to be single and can do what you want" 

That kinda stuff is what I expect would come from the mouth of her friend. I just can't respect her at all.



Corpuswife said:


> Something like this has happened to me. My best friend, at the time, from high school was seeing a married man. I was having difficulties in my married and on the road to divorce. I didn't like it and expressed that she was playing with fire. I had never met the married man. I kept my distance from her.
> 
> One day, she asked me to a bar to have a drink. I figured, it was close to my house. I told my husband that I was meeting her down the street and if he wanted to...he could join. It ended up, that I showed and she introduced me to the married man and his guy friend. This guy friend indicated that he thought it was awful of what I was going through. Huh? I felt setup in several ways. My husband showed, shook their hands and promptly left. He also felt uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


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## mcquestion (Jan 8, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> I'm going to explicitly tell her that her easy acceptance of cheating shows me she has poor character and that is why I don't want to continue to see her. Not much invested in her thankfully.


good for you! I wonder if she'll 'get it' or think you're crazy. She might even try to say she was just trying to get a reaction from you.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Jdawg, I'm interested to know her response when you tell her, please share. 

I also respect you for not using her for sex. It's nice to know that there are men out there who value themselves enough to blow off the cheap sex and spend that time investing in themselves.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I already know her thoughts after I told her I didn't like to be involved with that couple. She thinks it's up to those cheaters to decide, she said the mistress is a very long time friend and sees it as totally harmless for her to be at dinner with them.

I'm sure she'll be shocked when I tell her to get lost given how little thought she put into it the situation.

We aren't compatible with values. Game over.

I'm sure it will be a wake up call to her and a topic of conversation with her friends but I'm not going to try and teach someone morality and right/wrong.



Peaf said:


> Jdawg, I'm interested to know her response when you tell her, please share.
> 
> I also respect you for not using her for sex. It's nice to know that there are men out there who value themselves enough to blow off the cheap sex and spend that time investing in themselves.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

It goes right over her head. No doubt about it.

That's why gut knew that was last nail in coffin.

Is she said ANYTHING even remotely suggesting the affair was not cool, etc then maybe I can accept. Nothing. As they say, silence can speak volumes.



mcquestion said:


> good for you! I wonder if she'll 'get it' or think you're crazy. She might even try to say she was just trying to get a reaction from you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Answers my questions.

I would not have it either.

If a gf, she wouldn't be for long.

If Mrs. Conan did it, she wouldn't, we would have a serious talk and boundaries established or our marriage would start a very fast spiral towards D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just walk away. No need to explain to her. You told her what you thought. Now walk away and let her ruminate.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

jdawg,

Yea, but did you bust them, would be a good story to tell your next prospect.

Tamat


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> We aren't compatible with values. Game over.


To me this sums it up perfectly. You can't force your values on someone, and likewise they can't on you. Once you recognize there is a compatibility issue, especially with some of the more important values you may carry, it is best to move on.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I don't really know them just met the mistress friend once. I only went on few dates and these people are not in my social or professional circles in any way so not worth my time to out them.

The issue in dating in your 40s is quality vs quantity. I don't want to be someone's rescuer or ATM. And a lot of the single women my age who don't have bat**** crazy pasts are because they were career chasers then they hit late 30s and the biological clock is ticking. Not many fish worth keeping in the net.



TAMAT said:


> jdawg,
> 
> Yea, but did you bust them, would be a good story to tell your next prospect.
> 
> Tamat


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