# 12 year old estranged daughter



## barbb (Nov 16, 2016)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 12 years. When we got together, the girl he had previously been dating was pregnant and in jail. She had the baby in prison, so the baby was put in foster care because my boyfriend was not put on the birth certificate. A year or so later, the girls dad's girlfriend got temporary custody of the baby, and my boyfriend got to see the baby once or twice; however, the woman who was taking care of the baby broke up with the girl's dad and moved away and decided she didn't want anyone to have anything to do with the baby. My boyfriend hired a lawyer to try to get custody or visitation; however, since he was not on the birth certificate and nobody knew where the baby was, there was nothing he could do. 

Now, 12 years later, the baby momma gets out of prison in March and gets custody of this lil girl. She tells this lil girl that the woman who raised her isn't her mom and that she is her mom. Then, she moves this lil girl miles away and doesn't let her see the woman who raised her. Then, she tells this lil girl that my boyfriend is her daddy without even letting us know or letting us prepare for this life changing event. Next thing I know, we get a text asking for child support, so my boyfriend sends money regularly. We don't receive any pictures or anything else, not even a thank you. 

Now, two months later, this lil girl wants to meet her dad. They met and now she wants to come over every weekend. She lives about 2 hours away, so every weekend, we have to close early to drive 4 hours on Friday and then take her home on Sunday for a 4 hour trip. My man is very honorable and wants to do whats right; however, this is putting great stress on our company, our lives, and our relationship. We have raised our children. They are all grown and have moved out. We were working out of town but had recently started a business and are very busy. We have grown comfortable with our lives. We are close to 50 years old and we are very angry because we would have liked to be in this child's life when we were raising our children. Now, she is a stranger and so young. She has come over a few times now, and we were able to obtain a DNA test and are awaiting the results; however, we need some advise, feedback, some support, and maybe info on support groups or counseling on this kind of thing. Thank you for your time.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

First, wait for the DNA test before getting any more involved. IF the child is your husbands, he needs to contact an attorney, get his legal rights established, and get custody and parenting time orders. While that is ongoing, seek out a family therapist in your area and set up an appointment.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Who's children are grown up and moved out? Yours? Did he have kids with you or is this his only biological kid?

Let him have a relationship with her. If I was him, I'd pay for a hotel every weekend to spend two days with her and create a relationship. 

You need to be supportive. Why can't you run the business for a few hours in the afternoon on Friday while he travels? Do you have to be with him on each visit? Surely you can go just 50% of the time. He should at least have every other weekend with her, which isn't a strain at all.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a soft target. Child support is the only end-game here for the mother. Not a relationship between the daughter and your boyfriend.

I'd suggest that you keep the DNA results secret if he is the father. If that gets out the mother will be in court in a heartbeat looking to formalize the child support, probably at an amount more than he already gives now.

How attached is he to the girl? Maybe the best thing is to just back off now before he gets in too deep. I understand the whole "do the right thing" approach if she is his daughter but if you've been excluded for 12 years you shouldn't be expected to just cave in to demands.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, that poor kid! 

I agree with MJJEAN. Wait for the DNA then go through the process to make things legal. 

That two hour drive is a b!tch, I totally agree with you, but really, what else are you going to do? It has to be done if he is going to be able to see her. Also, I can empathize with your feelings on this, it is a disruption and not what you planned for. But if your H can be in her life, I think eventually her mom will dump and run to be honest, (she doesn't sound like she is worth a damn as a person) and then you could have her full time. 

What about the woman who raised her, does she get to see the girl now too?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a soft target. Child support is the only end-game here for the mother. Not a relationship between the daughter and your boyfriend.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If he is the father he owes child support instead of letting the taxpayers pay for his child. He already got out of 12 years of support.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> First, wait for the DNA test before getting any more involved. IF the child is your husbands, he needs to contact an attorney, get his legal rights established, and get custody and parenting time orders. While that is ongoing, seek out a family therapist in your area and set up an appointment.


:iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> If he is the father he owes child support instead of letting the taxpayers pay for his child. He already got out of 12 years of support.


*If* he is the father.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> First, wait for the DNA test before getting any more involved. IF the child is your husbands, he needs to contact an attorney, get his legal rights established, and get custody and parenting time orders. While that is ongoing, seek out a family therapist in your area and set up an appointment.


I can't agree with this more.

Until all these things are in place, given the history of the matter, professional help in the form of a good family therapist is a must. The poor girl must be carrying a lot of pain that could end up impacting very negatively on her life if not addressed asap.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You have been together for 12 years but have grown children that have already moved out of home? And why at the age of 50 are you talking like a teenager? 50 year olds don't usually refer to other adults as boys and girls.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Why was he not on the birth certificate in the first place? 

Was the child support court ordered or just a request from the bio mom? 

How much of the truth of the whole story did your husband know all those years? Did he know where she was and chose to stay out of her life? It's really not clear to me from your post. 

I'd not do another thing until you get those DNA results back.


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Who's children are grown up and moved out? Yours? Did he have kids with you or is this his only biological kid?
> 
> Let him have a relationship with her. If I was him, I'd pay for a hotel every weekend to spend two days with her and create a relationship.
> 
> You need to be supportive. Why can't you run the business for a few hours in the afternoon on Friday while he travels? Do you have to be with him on each visit? Surely you can go just 50% of the time. He should at least have every other weekend with her, which isn't a strain at all.


I agree. Especially with girls. Not to be mean but there are a lot of strippers and porn stars out there who didn't know or have their real dad around while they were growing up. He needs to be there for her and I really don't see why loving a poor child who is caught in the middle of something for which she had no control is an issue? Imagine if you were in her shoes. Bad enough her Mom was in jail. and she just found out who she thought was her Mom was not. Also, she is probably remiss about missing out on those years with her real Dad as well. Would be heartless, and selfish, not to take her in with open arms and at least be a bright spot in her life. Do the right thing.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Am I correct in understanding that this child was raised by the child's grandfather's ex-girlfriend? The court gave temporary custody to the baby's grandfather's girlfriend, rather than the grandfather? And that became permanent somehow even after the breakup? How does that even happen in custody cases? I would have thought it would be a blood relative - the baby's grandfather, or her father (the OP's partner) - who would have petitioned the court for custody. If the OP's boyfriend couldn't get custody because he wasn't on the birth certificate, how did an entirely unrelated girlfriend of the child's grandfather end up with it? 

There are ways that a man who not listed on the birth certificate can get custody, or at least some legal standing, with regards to a child. Case in point, an entirely unrelated woman wound up with the child. So, clearly, not being on her birth certificate was not a complete deal-breaker when determining custody. But, that ship has sailed. Do you and your partner want custody now? Do you want visitation? In any case, I would not pay another dime in child support until the DNA results are back and he is proven to be the father. After that, have an attorney help you set up legal custody, visitation and child support orders if you two want to be part of this child's life. Honestly, it's not really clear whether or not you do want that. But if you do, handle it through the proper legal channels. 

And get that girl into some therapy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tailrider3 said:


> I agree. Especially with girls. Not to be mean but there are a lot of strippers and porn stars out there who didn't know or have their real dad around while they were growing up. He needs to be there for her and I really don't see why loving a poor child who is caught in the middle of something for which she had no control is an issue? Imagine if you were in her shoes. Bad enough her Mom was in jail. and she just found out who she thought was her Mom was not. Also, she is probably remiss about missing out on those years with her real Dad as well. Would be heartless, and selfish, not to take her in with open arms and at least be a bright spot in her life. Do the right thing.


And there are a lot of people out there who didn't know their real father or have him around. And the vast majority of them *did not* became porn stars or strippers.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your boyfriend has an obligation to that child. This obligation requires him to alter his lifestyle in order to meet the child's needs. A need to know her father, and spend time with her father is one of the most important needs. It is unfortunate that this requires you to alter your lifestyle as well but when you take on a partner, you also take on that partners obligations to his or her children.

In other words, get over it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm confused. You've been with this man for 12 years, but your kids are grown and out of the house? So unless these are some pretty remarkable kids to be out in the world supporting themselves under 12 years old, they are either your kids, his kids or some combination.

Which is it? I would find it rather selfish if it turned out that he raised your children as his own and you now resent his wanting to spend time with his own child. Kids are never convenient and always require sacrifices. 

Any chance you might flesh the story out a bit? I too don't understand why you both must make this drive and close your business early. It also defies any logic I can come up with that the court appointed sole custody to a non-blood relative when there were some available. Additionally, you say no one knew where she had taken the child yet the mother seems to have had no trouble finding the kid when she got out of the big house. What gives?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

barbb said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for 12 years. When we got together, the girl he had previously been dating was pregnant and in jail. She had the baby in prison, so the baby was put in foster care because my boyfriend was not put on the birth certificate. A year or so later, the girls dad's girlfriend got temporary custody of the baby, and my boyfriend got to see the baby once or twice; however, the woman who was taking care of the baby broke up with the girl's dad and moved away and decided she didn't want anyone to have anything to do with the baby. My boyfriend hired a lawyer to try to get custody or visitation; however, since he was not on the birth certificate and nobody knew where the baby was, there was nothing he could do.
> 
> Now, 12 years later, the baby momma gets out of prison in March and gets custody of this lil girl. She tells this lil girl that the woman who raised her isn't her mom and that she is her mom. Then, she moves this lil girl miles away and doesn't let her see the woman who raised her. Then, she tells this lil girl that my boyfriend is her daddy without even letting us know or letting us prepare for this life changing event. Next thing I know, we get a text asking for child support, so my boyfriend sends money regularly. We don't receive any pictures or anything else, not even a thank you.
> 
> Now, two months later, this lil girl wants to meet her dad. They met and now she wants to come over every weekend. She lives about 2 hours away, so every weekend, we have to close early to drive 4 hours on Friday and then take her home on Sunday for a 4 hour trip. My man is very honorable and wants to do whats right; however, this is putting great stress on our company, our lives, and our relationship. We have raised our children. They are all grown and have moved out. We were working out of town but had recently started a business and are very busy. We have grown comfortable with our lives. We are close to 50 years old and we are very angry because we would have liked to be in this child's life when we were raising our children. Now, she is a stranger and so young. She has come over a few times now, and we were able to obtain a DNA test and are awaiting the results; however, we need some advise, feedback, some support, and maybe info on support groups or counseling on this kind of thing. Thank you for your time.


OP-I am seeing a lot of "we" in your post. Is this how your boyfriend feels or how you feel? You said he wanted to do the honorable thing. If this little girl is his; then let him. There are so many Dads that abandon their children. This child needs some stability in her life. Is someone going to tell her that she is an inconvenience because there is a 4 hour drive and she isn't worth that? My God please don't. I hope that there will be some counseling involved sooner rather than later.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm sorry if this is going to be a really stupid question I'm about to ask:

Can you only request a paternity test if you are listed on the birth certificate?
If the answer is no, then why wasn't it done right after she was born?

All a mute point now as what's done is done, but I was curious on that.

Here is what I wanted to say about the rest of your post:
The words *parenting and easy* rarely go hand in hand. You both know this well, you have already traveled this road.

Your honorable BF was confident enough that she was his early on to make some efforts to see her. The DNA test will give you the difinitive answer, but as you wait, soul search. Please don't take what I am about to write in the wrong way. Reflect on the statments I will paraphrase from your initial post.

His estranged daughter reappearing has had these effects:
-Money is being spent to support his child. The criminal mom doesn't appreciate it.
-You are inconvenienced by long drives so he can spend time with his daughter.
-Your company is closing early one day a week to allow for the drive to see her
-It's making you experience personal stress
-It is making your romance with her father have some stress
-Her timing in resurfacing is frustrating you because you have closed that chapter of your life
-You are very busy people
-Your life is comfortable now, and she is diminishing that.

These are all very human, raw, honest emotions you discussed. This is a big upheaval in your life for sure. Let's take a moment to look at it from a different view.

Imagine this was your daughter, that had gone missing for 12 years and then reappeared. Reread the list but with the mindset that these are the things your BF was expressing about your daughter. Would how he feels make sense to you? Yes, it would.

Always remember though, empathy goes a very long way.

She is an innocent in all this. Guess what? In a lot of the way, so are you. Neither of you chose this. Yet here you all are.
This is new, this is fresh, and there is a lot to be worked out still. The bottom line though, is that she is a child. The stability she can receive at your home could be a priceless reprieve for this young lady. The positive affect you and her dad can have on her life could be so beautiful. Plus, any siblings and other relatives she is gaining.

I can only imagine the out of nowhere upheaval this has ended up being, but you can make a success out of this. Love, effort and sacrifice when made toward a child is rarely ever something one lives to regret. You will be in my mind and thoughts, and I will be cheering you on!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Guess OP bugged out on us....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

two hour drive? Pfffft. I do that twice a day. It's called work.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

turnera said:


> two hour drive? Pfffft. I do that twice a day. It's called work.


And you still have time to post on TAM? :grin2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> two hour drive? Pfffft. I do that twice a day. It's called work.




Good news that you are working. 

How is the drive going? I thought you only had one working car?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> If he is the father he owes child support instead of letting the taxpayers pay for his child. He already got out of 12 years of support.


*In Texas, he'd be getting a bill from the Attorney-General's office for all of the overdue past child support from the State!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So your husband cheated or this is your second marriage and brought the kids with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> Good news that you are working.
> 
> How is the drive going? I thought you only had one working car?


Thanks. Finally got a permanent job, so not only am I getting insurance for $250/month, I'm no longer paying $1000/month for basic HMO; that helps a lot.

And one of H's friends/sometime partners who makes a ton of money has loaned DH a truck. Of course, now we have THREE cars in the driveway that are now not working because now he doesn't need to get our last nonworking car fixed, let alone the other two. 

Sorry, TJ/rant over.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> Thanks. Finally got a permanent job, so not only am I getting insurance for $250/month, I'm no longer paying $1000/month for basic HMO; that helps a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am so happy for you T. 

BTW, tell H you are going to post the car for sale, as is, on Dec 31 if it is not running. 

Or tell him you will hire a mechanic to come fix it , then sell it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

turnera said:


> Thanks. Finally got a permanent job, so not only am I getting insurance for $250/month, I'm no longer paying $1000/month for basic HMO; that helps a lot.
> 
> And one of H's friends/sometime partners who makes a ton of money has loaned DH a truck. Of course, now we have THREE cars in the driveway that are now not working because now he doesn't need to get our last nonworking car fixed, let alone the other two.
> 
> Sorry, TJ/rant over.


I am happy to hear that you are working again. That must be a huge relief.
Why can't you have the cars towed to the shop and fixed?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Money. We're more than $200,000 in debt.

I'm trying to get the nerve to tell him I'm going to have the older one sold. I'm very conflict averse, as you can tell.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> Money. We're more than $200,000 in debt.
> 
> I'm trying to get the nerve to tell him I'm going to have the older one sold. I'm very conflict averse, as you can tell.




I don't believe that. You have no problem telling me off. 

As long as you sell the fixed car for more than the cost of repairs you come out ahead.

The value of the car not only does not generate interest but it continues to decline in value. 

You are in debt paying interest. So paying down some of the debt from selling the cars saves you interest (which is the same as making you money). Plus you stop the depreciating value of the car. 

A double plus. A great financial move, makes your neighbors happier, and helps you strengthen your spine.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trust me, we've been over this ad nauseum. He won't be told what to do. And isn't it usually the case that the one person you have the hardest time standing up to is the one you fear being unhappy with you the most?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@Rowan and @zookeeper

I can't speak for elsewhere, but I have experience with the foster care system in two states.

How could a non-blood relative get custody of the girl? Surprisingly easy. 

If no blood relative comes forward or if the ones that are willing do not meet the state requirements for fostering, say due to criminal record or living situation, then the state will allow an unrelated adult who does want the child and who does meet the qualifications to take the child.

In the two states mentioned above, social services removes children from the home, places them in a temp shelter, and then they have a few days to get them into either a foster home or find a relative to act as foster parent. This involves home checks, background checks, and myriad paperwork. It takes time. And, usually, social workers have more cases than they can handle. 

It sounds like the OP's husband was not on the birth certificate and was not involved. The case worker probably had no way of knowing who he was or of contacting him. So, s/he did what s/he could with the time allotted and the information available.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> Trust me, we've been over this ad nauseum. He won't be told what to do. And isn't it usually the case that the one person you have the hardest time standing up to is the one you fear being unhappy with you the most?


True, but at what point do you stop them manipulating


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