# Being civil with the STBXW?



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Guys, how do you act civil with your STBX when you have so much resentment towards someone that betrayed you on such a deep level. I never got details or a confession or remorse whatsoever. When we have drop offs or talk on the phone, the very sight of her brings back these feelings and I can't control it. I end up making jabs or cuts at her about her decision or the affair or even the AP. I know this is not good but I feel like so much has been left unsaid. Any ideas or is anyone having the same feelings? Thanks


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you in counseling? 

For me, resentments are a curse, whether I have good or bad justifications for holding on to them. 

It might help you to take a good hard look at yourself and your own contribution to the breakdown of your marriage.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Not in counseling. After D-Day went with my wife and it was awful. Counselor was crap. I'm 3 weeks out from filing but the baggage has not got any lighter. My days are better but the triggers and mind games are always present which is why I have a hard time controlling my mouth at the very sight of her.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

That's because it doesn't matter if you get divorced or reconcile, your happiness and the load on you has nothing to do with your wife being in or out of your life. It has to do with what is going on inside you. An individual counselor might be able to help you with that weight my friend. Issues like why you lash out when you feel hurt; why you use anger to cover your sadness; and much more need dealt with so you can heal, whether you are married or divorced. Again, your struggles are with yourself now; divorced or married.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Yes, it's tough. I used to get like that, especially when she'd show up at my kid's ball game with PosOM. Man, did that burn me.

One thing you can try is to write her a letter. Get all your venting out. Let her know exactly how you feel, etc.

Then burn it or flush it down the toilet.

Read the 4 Agreements. Here's a summary...

Summary of the Four Agreements

Make it a point to show self-respect. Dignity. Speak with integrity. Remember, her affair is/was not about you. It's about her. 

By verbally sparring with her, you are sinking to her level. And, she probably likes that she has that effect on you. 

Don't expect closure. Most of us don't get it.

And yes, go get IC.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's part of the grieving process.

It will pass.


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