# Detaching--Need More Suggestions



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

As most of you are aware, I've gone through some difficult times in my marriage since the aftermath of my husband's brain injury in late-2008.

Last week, I finally got a clue, thanks to all the subtle (HA) hints from you guys here on TAM.

For exactly a week and a half I have been detaching from my husband and trying to break the bonds of co-dependence, not only for myself, but for him and our relationship.

The situation doesn't call for a 180, but detaching so that I am not so emotionally involved, therefore, I can look at our issues rationally and "from a distance" if you will.

What I have been doing is:

- Not saying I love you all the time. Interestingly enough, if I don't say it and he doesn't either, then I don't feel the let down I used to when I said it and he didn't mirror.
- Doing some things I like to do. Such as stay up and watch my favorite TV show instead of going to bed with him and watching what he likes.
- Not calling him while I'm at work to check on him. He appears to be feeding himself and taking his meds without my reminders, so I'm treating him like the big boy he is.
- Not in his man cave every night and weekend - hard for me as I want to spend time with him, but I'm pulling myself away and spending time in the family room or bedroom.
- I quit checking his internet history, etc. Is he still probably cruising porn - sure, but I've decided it isn't my problem anymore, he will pursue me and realize that the real thing is much more exciting by the time I'm done with him.
- This past weekend he didn't want to go anywhere, so I went into town without him and spent 5 hours out and didn't tell him what I did and where I went.

I've noticed some "subtle" changes in his behavior - nothing really major (he has yet to begin to pursue me), but subtle. His attitude is more friendly, he is initiating conversations with me instead of me initiating them. And at least 4 or 5 times he has asked me "what are you doing?" when I was not with him and in another room of the house. And, he has been initiating calls while I'm at work. He has also been "patting" me in bed, which is his way of saying I love you.

He hasn't yet begun pursuing me - physically, emotionally or sexually yet, but I'm being patient.

Takes 28 days to make/break a habit and I assume it will take 28 days to push him into reforming new habits with me.

I'm in need of additional suggestions to shake things up, keep him on his toes and this has another advantage, it's cognitive therapy for his brain!

I'm open for anything - let me have it...


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Wow...you are doing GREAT! I gotta pat you on the back here! Keep doing what you're doing. It might take longer than 28 days, lol. 

Go take up ballroom dancing. Make sure he knows about the really cute instructor. 

Go to the gym. Hire a personal trainer. Don't all men think that their women are banging the personal trainer? (I kid, I kid)

STAY OUT of that man cave! Don't set foot in there. EVER. I wouldn't answer him when he asked what I was doing..I'd be in another part of the house where I couldn't hear him. Let him come out of that man cave and look for you if he wants to know what you're doing. 

I'd leave certain types of reading material lying around where he was sure to see them, but that might be going too far..and I won't tell you what that reading material would be. 

I'm no help here, I'm sorry. My mind is so befuddled this morning I shouldn't even be online.
But I do want to tell you that YOU are doing great!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Wow...you are doing GREAT! I gotta pat you on the back here! Keep doing what you're doing. It might take longer than 28 days, lol.
> 
> Go take up ballroom dancing. Make sure he knows about the really cute instructor.
> 
> ...


Thanks - I can't STAY OUT of the man cave entirely or I would never see the man - he lives in there unless he has to go to the bathroom or is going to bed - but I'm in there a lot less.

Already have "that" reading material - been leaving that around, didn't even think it would help, will have to pull out more...

I responded to your other post, go read it - might help you today.

Thanks again!


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thanks - I can't STAY OUT of the man cave entirely or I would never see the man - he lives in there unless he has to go to the bathroom or is going to bed - but I'm in there a lot less.
> 
> Already have "that" reading material - been leaving that around, didn't even think it would help, will have to pull out more...
> 
> ...


I warned you I was befuddled...lol. And thanks for responding on the other thread. I needed that. *hugs*

You are one tough cookie, you know that?


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Watch (or re-watch) 'The Breakup'. Then I recommend NOT doing any of those things... but it will be fun to daydream about them!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I warned you I was befuddled...lol. And thanks for responding on the other thread. I needed that. *hugs*
> 
> You are one tough cookie, you know that?


So are you or neither one of us would have made it this far!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, come on guys.

You gave me PLENTY of advice when I was whinning and unhappy with my situation.

Now that I'm in a better place and WANT your advice, you're silent...

Help me out here.


----------



## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

OP ~ I have a question for you.

Did you announce your detachment or just do it?
If you let him in on it, what was his reaction?


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Lol--okay, since most of my family will tell you that the hardest thing to teach me was "sharing"...I'll throw some out there!

You had said some time ago you used to be a fitness instructor, right? So go back to the gym. It makes you healthier, stronger and relieves stress. Nature's Prozac, baby!  Wait...or was that chocolate????

That brings me to my next one...you could cycle in more of what you like to eat at mealtime. I don't know about you, but I'm not a big dinner eater, so I often default to things my husband likes to eat, since lately I either can't eat at all or am just not going to eat much of it anyway. However, when I'm feeling okay or else needing a little pick me up, I make a point of making a dinner *I* like and he can just deal with fish, or salad or you know....not cow, lol.

Reach out to people and find things to do with them. Are people at work hitting happy hour? Is there a friend you haven't connected with in a while? Were you talking about some movie with someone you know? Especially if they aren't necessarily connected to TBIs, BPD, or other "issues", aim for fun, here--not therapy. Unless it's therapeutic fun, of course! Make plans to meet them for lunch or brunch or that movie.

Mani/pedi. A lovely quick pampering pick me up! Generally pretty inexpensive too, and you don't have to schedule them.

Make a "woman cave" and carve out a room or a corner somewhere that you can either do things you like to do (read? craft?) or keep your favorite couch pillow, throw etc. and watch your shows and institute similar "do not disturb" policies for that space that he has.

Most of all remember that the greater point of detaching is NOT what you can "make" him do. That's still trying to fix him/his behavior. The point of detaching is to create some space to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority for at least a little while in the midst of all the responsibility and obligations you have going right now. So my fundamental advice is to just...do what you like to do and not worry about whether he's guessing or not. 

Generally, *my* catch phrase is, "well you know, it's really all about ME" but I think *you* should borrow it for a while. 

Go ahead, try it out, I think you'll like it after you break it in a bit...like a nice pair of leather shoes (oooohhh.... shopping!!! That's always fun too!!!!) :rofl:


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Suckerpunched said:


> OP ~ I have a question for you.
> 
> Did you announce your detachment or just do it?
> If you let him in on it, what was his reaction?


I would think that announcing your detachment would be a bit like the kid that announces they aren't speaking to you. The announcement defeats the purpose of the action.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I don't know what your work schedules are like...
But one very subtle thing I noticed kinda "shook things up" in the rebalancing i'm trying to do, is:
Get home after he's already home if you can.
I know I like giving my H the chance to sit there and wait and wonder what time I'll be home, when it's been so much of the opposite.
It's subtle...but it's nice to come breezing in the door all busy and cheerful, and see him already home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

If you are detaching and learning how not to be co-dependent, what exactly are you suppose to expect from your husband? Nothing?

I get the space thing but how does a partner communicate their needs to one another and try to meet them when both partners retreat? (detach) 

Are you suppose to wait until they want to show you love, attention or any value? Don't you feel this is controlling? 

For instance...a baby cries does a parent "detach" and let them continue to cry and ignore them until they feel like taking care of the baby? 

No, we are not babies but the point is why is it so hard for some spouses to give love without "conditions" in how and when they are going to do it?

Sorry...just venting but this thread struck a nerve.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He hasn't yet begun pursuing me - physically, emotionally or sexually yet, but I'm being patient.


I think what you are doing is great! its a huge step in the right direction. Its amazing how quickly they change when us over-bearing women back off. But as far as the 'being patient for him to pursue you', you'll want to drop that ideation because it borders on manipulation. In order to become healthy you have to turn your perspective around and want what is best for him. Is pursuing you best for him? only he knows that. Your motives should be to influence you and you alone. Do what makes you happy and not what you think will control him.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

40jane said:


> If you are detaching and learning how not to be co-dependent, what exactly are you suppose to expect from your husband? Nothing?
> 
> I get the space thing but how does a partner communicate their needs to one another and try to meet them when both partners retreat? (detach)
> 
> ...


I think it's all a matter of degree. I think that on one end you have "bumps in the road" where one person might feel they're giving more than the other for a period of time and of course starts to resent that. I think when that happens, these kinds of strategies are probably extreme. 

However, I think that the detachment that is being discussed here is in response to something very different. In this particular case, my opinion is that the best scenario is that it's a case where the level of caretaking that has been needed for the last several years has eclipsed any sort of intimate, marital relationship and replaced the role of "wife" with "nurse, housekeeper, chauffeur and target-of-all-frustration." Detachment almost *has* to happen to shake things up and restructure those roles and to let MWIL take care of herself in order to keep functioning as the primary caretaker.

More broadly though, I'd say generally that detachment is what has to happen in relationships where one person has tried everything they can, done everything for them, given them everything they have and still their partner disrespects them, abuses them, refuses to acknowledge, budge or change anything about themselves or the situation. For example, continuing affairs or continuing to hide things from their spouse comes to mind. THEN it's not a condition of love to create some distance, it's vital to have some clarity to decide what you want to live with. It's not just a reaction to being pissed off....


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Suckerpunched said:


> OP ~ I have a question for you.
> 
> Did you announce your detachment or just do it?
> If you let him in on it, what was his reaction?


Did not announce it, just am doing it.

From what I've been told, you shouldn't tell them - you should just gradually make the changes, which is what I am doing.

Its tough, I have to consciously think about it every time I do something or say something, but I figure after a while it will be easier and more natural.

The funny part is I thought I would be lonely, but I'm not - I'm more at peace and much happier - go figure...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Lol--okay, since most of my family will tell you that the hardest thing to teach me was "sharing"...I'll throw some out there!
> 
> You had said some time ago you used to be a fitness instructor, right? So go back to the gym. It makes you healthier, stronger and relieves stress. Nature's Prozac, baby!  Wait...or was that chocolate????
> 
> ...


Thanks - I've already done some of this, just didn't post it.

- Have reconnected with a former best girl friend. In fact I stayed up late Saturday night and talked with her 3 hours, hubby came out of the bedroom twice to ask me if I was _still_ talking to *****. HA
- I do get a mani/pedi once a month, but had pushed that to the side but have an appointment tomorrow.
- I tried the dinner thing already. Our anniversary was Wed and I asked hubby if he wanted to go out and eat, he said he wasn't hungry, so on my way home I picked me up a HB. When I got home he wanted to know what was for dinner and I said, "well you said you weren't hungry so I already ate on the way home" - it was priceless, he was like huh, well I guess I'm not hungry...
- I already have a woman cave, I just didn't use it much as I got lonely, I'm spending more time there now (family room) - only I use it.

I know I'm not supposed to be making him make changes, but detaching is supposed to help "him" come to me more than me to him. 

Thanks again!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> I would think that announcing your detachment would be a bit like the kid that announces they aren't speaking to you. The announcement defeats the purpose of the action.


Correct and I basically responded that way. :iagree:


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

40jane said:


> If you are detaching and learning how not to be co-dependent, what exactly are you suppose to expect from your husband? Nothing?
> 
> I get the space thing but how does a partner communicate their needs to one another and try to meet them when both partners retreat? (detach)
> 
> ...


That's okay, you're entitled to vent and have your own opinion. I know I don't hold mine back!

I'm in counselling and have been reading up on co-dependency and emotional attachment.

I'm in no way trying to be controlling, in fact just the opposite. I am giving up control, trying to be his wife and not his mother. I'm no longer concerned about him feeling okay and doing okay while I have a nervous breakdown. I love him, I still care about him and I still take care of him. But I am no longer fawning all over him, focusing my every thought and action towards his comfort and sacrificing my opinions, wants and needs because it might upset or piss him off.

I can't love him and expect him to love me if I don't love myself and lack confidence and self-respect. And that's where I was. It turned me into a clingy, needed, desperate person and he knew it. And the closer I tried to move towards him, the more desperate I became and the more desperate I became, the farther he pulled away. While he says I'm attractive as a woman, my behavior was NOT attractive at all and he basically said so to me, but not in so many words.

So I'm trying to "turn back the clock" and get back to the person that he met and fell in love with - the confident, respected, go-getter woman that he wanted in the first place - I had lost that.

So no, I'm carving out a life for me, in the process this will turn me back into the person he was attracted to in the first place and that in turn will change how he behaves with me.

Hope you understand now...thanks for your input!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I don't know what your work schedules are like...
> But one very subtle thing I noticed kinda "shook things up" in the rebalancing i'm trying to do, is:
> Get home after he's already home if you can.
> I know I like giving my H the chance to sit there and wait and wonder what time I'll be home, when it's been so much of the opposite.
> ...


Hubby doesn't and can't work, so I'm always home after him.

But, I used to RUSH right home, now I'm taking my time a little. So I get home a little later, he only mentioned something once - you're home late and I just said yes, no further discussion.

Thanks for the advice!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I think what you are doing is great! its a huge step in the right direction. Its amazing how quickly they change when us over-bearing women back off. But as far as the 'being patient for him to pursue you', you'll want to drop that ideation because it borders on manipulation. In order to become healthy you have to turn your perspective around and want what is best for him. Is pursuing you best for him? only he knows that. Your motives should be to influence you and you alone. Do what makes you happy and not what you think will control him.


:iagree: I'm really not trying to manipulate him, maybe I just didn't word it as I meant it.


----------



## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> That's okay, you're entitled to vent and have your own opinion. I know I don't hold mine back!
> 
> I'm in counselling and have been reading up on co-dependency and emotional attachment.
> 
> ...


Sorry, need to clarify...isn't it controlling for your husband to decide in a "conditional way" when he will show you attention, love etc...? I am in a similar position but feel I have *nothing *to work with. My spouse spends 5 min. in morning with his family, comes home when everyone is sleeping and on Sun. is the only day home which he takes an all day afternoon nap. The emotional turmoil you spoke about is evident in emotional abuse and counseling will help but in some situations removing yourself out of an unhealthy environment is the only solution. I've spent 18 years trying to keep a marriage alive and am now I want out. Again, everyone's relationship differs and only that person can decide what is right for them. Wish you the best


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

40jane said:


> Sorry, need to clarify...isn't it controlling for your husband to decide in a "conditional way" when he will show you attention, love etc...? I am in a similar position but feel I have *nothing *to work with. My spouse spends 5 min. in morning with his family, comes home when everyone is sleeping and on Sun. is the only day home which he takes an all day afternoon nap. The emotional turmoil you spoke about is evident in emotional abuse and counseling will help but in some situations removing yourself out of an unhealthy environment is the only solution. I've spent 18 years trying to keep a marriage alive and am now I want out. Again, everyone's relationship differs and only that person can decide what is right for them. Wish you the best



And that is the difference between your particular situation and mine. You state above that you have spent 18 years trying to keep a marriage alive.

I haven't spent 26 years trying to keep mine alive. It was alive and well before his brain injury in 2008. This changed everything and I mean everything. I've had to learn how to deal with someone who IS NOT who they were, either in temperment, personality, sexual behavior, etc. 

And I went overboard, instead of maintaining distance and being his wife, I became overprotective, needy, clingy, suspicious and overwhelmed myself as his caretaker and lost myself in the process. He became very dependent, self-focused on his recovery and became less concerned about me and our marriage - which has led us to where we are today.

So, detachment is necessary for me to become his wife again and less his nurse/caretaker. It will also allow me to build up my self-confidence and respect, which in turns, makes me more attractive in the long run.

And, based on your post(s), unlike your husband, I have come to realize, that based on my husband's medical issues, etc., he actually NEEDS ME more than I NEED HIM. So the shift has happened, I have realized that I can live without him (don't want to, but can); that I'm a smart, witty, attractive woman; financially sound (by myself); sexually adventurous, etc.

He is actually starting to realize that in many small ways. My change in attitude has thrown him off some and he has been asking what is wrong with me, how are you doing, concerned if I'm eating, tired, etc. All the things he didn't pay a lick of attention to since the accident.

If this doesn't work, then at least I will be in a better place to leave the situation and be able to handle it emotionally and physically.

I wish you the best also and I'm sorry that things are not working out as you want them too. We all deserve to be happy as we only have "one life to live" and if that happiness has to be found elsewhere, then so be it.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Update. Well, almost 2 weeks since I started detaching and it is going well.

I'm no longer concerned about what he may/may not be doing. Not snooping, not calling while I'm at work - letting him be the big boy he is.

He has noticed a change and asked me this weekend what was wrong with me as I was acting different. Told him, nothing - I'm okay - he looked at me like no, you're not, but didn't push the issue.

I decided to go into town yesterday and lo and behold he asked to go with me and we went together, that's a change.

Detaching is making me feel better and I am noticing the added bonus of him actually paying more attention to me, etc., in fact - he even initiated some intimacy this weekend and included me (read my other posts, you'll understand this) - first time he's done that in a long time.

So, we'll see...but it is going well thus far and the longer I do it the more comfortable and natural it feels. I'm also noticing more of the true dynamic of what's going on in our relationship. Things are pretty much the same as I thought they were prior to detaching, but they are more clear and I'm standing up for myself and not taking any crap and being more open, honest and MY authentic self, not what he wants to see/hear.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Get home after he's already home if you can.
> I know I like giving my H the chance to sit there and wait and wonder what time I'll be home, when it's been so much of the opposite.
> It's subtle...but it's nice to come breezing in the door all busy and cheerful, and see him already home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 That makes a huge difference in my DH. If I get home after him, guess what he does? He cooks dinner! He does dishes! He even picks up! If I get home first, he goes straight to the couch.

I really think this is key. He stays at home, right? So you can't get home 'after' he does, but you can start getting a life, and letting him 'experience' the empty house; even if he doesn't come out of his cave, he will _know_ you're gone. Find a board game club or some such to join, and start going once a month or week. Sign up at the local YMCA and start going twice a week. Call up your old girlfriends and start having them over; if he wants to join, he can; if not, he knows you're out in the living room, talking and laughing and having a good time - without him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Zombie thread, from 2011....


----------



## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Thanks for bumping the old thread to point that out.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Posting that its a zombie thread keeps people from posting advice to someone who hasn't been here in five years. But thanks for continuing to be a jerk.


----------



## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Posting on a zombie thread brings it to the top of the search results.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Zombie thread, from 2011....




From what I see you were the first poster in 5 years. Unless a spammer revived this and the mods deleted the spam posts.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

estes said:


> Posting on a zombie thread brings it to the top of the search results.




You certainly know a lot of the lingo for being here only two days.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There were posts that were deleted and some moved to another thread from today. Estes you were one of those whose earlier post was deleted.

It's a zombie thread. I'm closing it.


----------

