# Can your Marriage be successful if....



## RunninOnEmpty

Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis. I am in this situation, I work 2 weeks away from home and then have 1 week off completely. I love my job but my wife is trying to manipulate me into giving it up because I am gone too much. 

In my industry you hear about both sides of the coin, numerous divorces as well as some of the tightest family units you will ever come across. 

So now that I have posed the question, I will get into my issues; my wife and I have been married for a decade, and over that period of time have never really had much to disagree about. In the last few months, my wife has really started to harass me about being gone. Its getting so bad that I can never really know what to expect. She may wake up today and be in a great mood, have great conversations all day long and go to bed happy, OR she may wake up mad at me and do whatever she can to make me miserable (short or no conversation at all, sarcastic, ect.) for the rest of the week. I have come to the conclusion that she is actually trying to make me miserable during these time periods. Some of these fights have actually gone so far as bring up the big D (on her side). She openly admits that she with holds intimacy with me because she is mad that I'm not home more (but I think she just has an extremely low drive).

I am having a hard time deciding what I should do in this situation so please feel free to give me advice, I am extremely worried that she is just unhappy, and that my job is the issue today. I am terrified that I may quit my job that i love, and end up getting a divorce anyway. 

In need of your thoughts and opinions....


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## Mavash.

RunninOnEmpty said:


> Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis.


For me and my husband (married 22 years)? No but some people seem to do okay with it. We've both traveled for work but only for a few years each. It took it's toll on our marriage so we changed jobs.

How long have you been traveling?


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## Faithful Wife

The Marriage Builders program says that working away from home is asking for a divorce.

So I'm not sure what to say since you feel a divorce might be on the table even if you do quit your job.


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## MambaZee

I know I couldn't handle my H being away for 2 weeks at a time. He couldn't, either. We're facing a situation where he may get a job that requires travel, but he'd only be gone a night or two here, a night or two there. I can handle that, but 2 weeks would be extremely tough. 

Have you worked this travel schedule during the entire marriage? Or is it something recent, and that's when the problems started?

As for her behavior, I recognize that in myself, so I'm not sure she's just reacting to your job. My reasons were that I was very unhappy with H about other issues in our marriage. I don't know if that's what's going on with her, but my unhappiness definitely manifested itself that way.

When you are home with her, do you all spend a lot of time together? Is there any way she can travel with you, at least some of the time?


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## justonelife

I think that would be a really tough situation. I know it wouldn't work for me. It would feel like I wasn't even married. Why bother? If my husband was totally gone 2 out of 3 weeks, I don't see a big benefit to being married. There's too much lack of connection and intimacy.


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## Thor

As a pilot my observation is more than 1 night per week is bad. 2 weeks is not goiing to work out even if you have 2 weeks off in between.

If you value your family find a non-travel job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera

I've been (mostly) happily married for 23 years but this would be a deal breaker for me. 

In my world... it would absolutely pointless to be married to a man who was away at work for well over half the year.... that's not a marriage IMO. 

Every single day I need conversation, hugs, eye contact, hand holding, spooning in bed, sex, shared hobbies, shared care of our children, pets, home, cars etc... THAT is what marriage is all about to me.

For my hubby to be gone as much as you are would be lonely and boring and I imagine I would build a life for myself that didn't include him... full of hobbies and friendships that fulfilled my needs...seeing as hubby wasn't around to do it.... not out of spite but out of necessity.

IMO the bad moods/mood swings sounds like she is trying to detach from you ... I would suggest she is tremendously lonely and miserable with your work hours and by detaching she is trying to protect herself by not caring/loving you so much... so it will make the divorce easier.

I suppose you have to decide... what's more important...your marriage or your job.


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## LovesHerMan

I keep trying to quit TAM, but then another thread comes along that just fits my situation.

We have been married for 36 years, and my husband is getting ready to retire as an airline pilot. He is home for about 1 week, and gone for about 1 week. 

It really does depend on the personality of the spouses. I am an introvert, and I love my alone time. When my husband comes home from a series of trips, I am ecstatic to see him. We bond like we are teenagers again. We just had an afternoon of delight. 

If you have established a strong relationship, and you communicate clearly with each other, you should be able to withstand time apart if the partner who is left at home understands that their spouse is working to support the family, and is not jealous of time apart. Of course, this presumes that there is no cheating involved, and that the at-home spouse is capable of being happy with their own emotional resources.


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## scatty

It would never work for us. Did you both agree to take this job?


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## MEM2020

Runnin,
- Who is the main breadwinner in the family?
- Does your W work outside the home part time/full time?
- Do you live well within your means, at your means or beyond your means? 

Is it possible that your wife goes to her father with problems because he is typically more empathetic/emotionally supportive than you are? Or is it because he has great problem solving skills? Or perhaps that he simply always tells her she is right and everyone else is wrong? 

What specifically do your in laws dislike about your parenting style? 

From your posts so far it seems that:
1. Your wife lacks respect for you - this single factor is sufficient to kill the marriage
2. While it is true that your work schedule is a marital stressor, I doubt it has much to do with her lack of attraction for you

What does your wife like/love/respect about you?
What does she dislike/not respect about you?

This is an exercise we should all do periodically:

How am I perceived and treated by:
- my close friends/family
- co workers/subordinates/supervisors 
- My Wife 

How closely does that align with how I perceive myself and treat them? 



Same exercise for your wife. How does she relate to others in comparison to you. 

And then some simple 'why' questions:
- did she take over the master closet/bathroom because you are not as neat/clean/organized as she is?
- or because she simply aggressively said 'I'm taking this space - that's how my parents do it'

It's a very bad sign that your in laws feel comfortable taking your son away during the one week in three you are home. 

Is there a way you can gradually work your job to a smaller number of nights away per month? Or is there is similar job that is seriously lower travel than 65 percent? 

I will say this: If you switch jobs and it causes financial stress, you will have traded one marital issue for another - plus you will likely be less happy at work. 

You might want to read 'married man sex life' by Athol Kay. 

Your wife might WANT playful conflict. 

If it was me, I would:
- read that book and
- make sure you are doing a good mix of earning and demanding respect. Demanding is not being loud or harsh. 

Did your in laws want you two to marry? 

Have you ever had a conversation with your father in law about your wife going to him first instead of you? 

If you approach him with a polite: get out of my marriage - that will be a disaster. 

If instead you do this, you might get a better answer. 

I think it's great that wife respects, trusts and loves you enough to seek your advice. Maybe you can give me some pointers on how you approach those conversations because I think it would strengthen our marriage if she felt more comfortable coming to me on some of those topics. 

And then listen to him. This is a perfect chance for him to blame your high travel job - and for you to smile, shrug and tell him: 

We have some core marital issues, your D has mentioned getting divorced a few times. It's one thing to want your H home more often because you love him. This isn't coming across that way. 



QUOTE=RunninOnEmpty;3522626]Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis. I am in this situation, I work 2 weeks away from home and then have 1 week off completely. I love my job but my wife is trying to manipulate me into giving it up because I am gone too much. 

In my industry you hear about both sides of the coin, numerous divorces as well as some of the tightest family units you will ever come across. 

So now that I have posed the question, I will get into my issues; my wife and I have been married for a decade, and over that period of time have never really had much to disagree about. In the last few months, my wife has really started to harass me about being gone. Its getting so bad that I can never really know what to expect. She may wake up today and be in a great mood, have great conversations all day long and go to bed happy, OR she may wake up mad at me and do whatever she can to make me miserable (short or no conversation at all, sarcastic, ect.) for the rest of the week. I have come to the conclusion that she is actually trying to make me miserable during these time periods. Some of these fights have actually gone so far as bring up the big D (on her side). She openly admits that she with holds intimacy with me because she is mad that I'm not home more (but I think she just has an extremely low drive).

I am having a hard time deciding what I should do in this situation so please feel free to give me advice, I am extremely worried that she is just unhappy, and that my job is the issue today. I am terrified that I may quit my job that i love, and end up getting a divorce anyway. 

In need of your thoughts and opinions....[/QUOTE]


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## Fearless

Have you thought about marriage counselling? Clearly your wife is feeling neglected and is not having her emotional needs met. Right now, she thinks if you quit your job everything will be ok. It is possible, it's also possible she will still be unhappy. I think before you make any major life changes, I would seek mc. It wil show your wife that you are listening to her, you are trying to meet her needs, but before you quit your job, you want to make sure that is the only issue in the marriage and not just a disguise for something else. I would take her complaints seriously tho. She is warning you the best she can that she wants to save this marriage but struggling with staying attached.


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## scatty

It wouldn't work for us.


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## AlmostYoung

RunninOnEmpty said:


> Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis.


Yes, but it does make it more difficult to meet each others needs, especially if "quality time" is a LL of one of you. 

Do you skype or talk everyday and go over the details of your life? Staying in touch can really help.

The best long term solution will be to find a non-travel job.


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## Married but Happy

It wouldn't work for us, if the times apart were for more than a short and known period of time. My wife spent 3 months out of country to take a course two years ago, and that's the longest we've been apart (only two others times of about a week, in the past 13 years). That was hard on us both, and we wouldn't do it again unless there was no other choice.

Still, I hear of successful marriages where one travels a lot, and of course it's common for military families to have extended separations.


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## Caribbean Man

I agree with lovesherman.
It depends on the type of person your wife is and the stage of your relationship.
One of my neighbors is a manager on a cruise ship. Job takes him away for 8 months every year , and he's home for 4.
His first fiancée cheated on him openly , but she was a party girl.
His second ,( present ) fiancé is young , introverted and very quiet. Whenever he's not around , her sister stays with her.
Things seem to be working out fine this time.

Some people can deal with it , some cannot.
If your wife thinks cannot , then maybe both of you need to come to a compromise.
In life , people make sacrifices to achieve greater things .

Is she willing to make that sacrifice for a period of time so that whatever dreams and plans you both have can be realized?

Do you think that the sacrifice you're making is worth it?
Any way you look at it,
In life , nothing is guaranteed.


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## firefly789

I'd have to say that arrangement wouldn't work for me. I think a big part depends on your love languages. If quality time and physical touch are your wife's main languages (they are mine in that order), it's hard to get those in with you being gone so much. You may want to read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman and take the test.

I'd advise giving up the job. Your wife may still be unhappy and you may end up divorced. I'd think it would be worth taking that risk to try and save your marriage. Your wife has said many times how unhappy your being gone is making her. Obviously, she can't deal with it anymore, and you aren't going to be one of those tight family units.

It comes down to this. Which is more important? Your job or your marriage?


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## HuntersWife

Speaking from experience, it's very hard work. I've been married 18 years, have 2 children and am a stay at home mom. My husband travels for his job a lot, ever since he had gotten a new position at work. Anyhow he's been traveling for about the last 5-6 years. When he travels in the United States its usually 1-2 weeks per time, then home a week or maybe Sunday night until late Friday night (basically home Saturday until Sunday night). But he travels overseas too, and he is currently doing that now. He goes for 3 weeks at a time, home for 1 week. It's extremely hard on us because he wants the kids to act/do certain things and the kids & I have gotten into our own routines. It's very stressful on everyone, especially me because I know he only has a week then will be gone. The kids want his attention and I do too. For me it's like being a single parent basically. And with our situation he's always wanting sex right when he gets home and I just can't do that, it takes me a couple days to get used to him being home again. In our case though I'm the one doing everything I can to try and make him happy, but he's basically not doing very good with my needs. I guess it would work and you both could be happy but you both would have to work hard. I would not quit since you think you may quit and she may divorce you anyhow. I think you both need to go away for a weekend and have a long talk about your marriage, what you want for it, what needs you are not getting, etc. and see if she is in the marriage for the long haul and is willing to do her part to make it work. I personally try to look at the bright side, at least my husband has a good job and can support us. Plus he's racking up airline miles & hotel points for us to use. Good luck, I hope things work out for you. I will keep you guys in my prayers.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I think it could work for me; my STBX travelled a lot, and we were both fine with it (that was NOT the cause of our soon-to-be-ex-ness).

I am very independent. I get my social needs met at work and I am content to stay home evenings and do things by myself. It really does depend on the people involved.

I guess it doesn't matter HOW MUCH it might work for some of us, it apparently won't work with YOUR wife.


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## SimplyAmorous

RunninOnEmpty said:


> Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis. I am in this situation, *I work 2 weeks away from home and then have 1 week off completely*. I love my job but my wife is trying to manipulate me into giving it up because I am gone too much.
> 
> In my industry you hear about both sides of the coin, numerous divorces as well as some of the tightest family units you will ever come across.
> 
> So now that I have posed the question, I will get into my issues; my wife and I have been married for a decade, and over that period of time have never really had much to disagree about. In the last few months, my wife has really started to harass me about being gone. Its getting so bad that I can never really know what to expect. She may wake up today and be in a great mood, have great conversations all day long and go to bed happy, OR she may wake up mad at me and do whatever she can to make me miserable (short or no conversation at all, sarcastic, ect.) for the rest of the week. I have come to the conclusion that she is actually trying to make me miserable during these time periods. Some of these fights have actually gone so far as bring up the big D (on her side). *She openly admits that she with holds intimacy with me because she is mad that I'm not home more (but I think she just has an extremely low drive).*
> 
> I am having a hard time deciding what I should do in this situation so please feel free to give me advice, I am extremely worried that she is just unhappy, and that my job is the issue today. I am terrified that I may quit my job that i love, and end up getting a divorce anyway.


Speaking as someone who is *TIME* and *TOUCH* as my top love language, I would not at all enjoy, or like a husband working away from home for long periods of time.. yrs ago, my husband considered taking a Truck Driving Job over the road, we decided against it, as we'd both miss each other TOO MUCH... as he is also TIME and TOUCH at his top..

For the marriages that CAN'T Handle this, or are very miserable with it.....it's due to one spouse craving more *TIME* with the other, he/she enjoys doing many things together (if things were GOOD before)....

Though I see your dilemma if you feel the marriage may fail anyway...I am assuming her being naturally LOW DRIVE (or so you feel...possible resentment issues not dealt with? ).....I assume this issue alone has contributed to much of the breakdown. And you think...why does she need me so much if she doesn't WANT intimacy anyway.


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## CarefulinNY

I travel a bit and it seems to bother me more than my wife. When I am on longer trips (which is ~2 weeks for me) I miss her terribly. When I return she is really happy to see me and in a way it actually helps our marriage. Sometimes she has to travel for work and I hate it.


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## SimplyAmorous

CarefulinNY said:


> I travel a bit and it seems to bother me more than my wife. When I am on longer trips (which is ~2 weeks for me) I miss her terribly. When I return she is really happy to see me and in a way it actually helps our marriage. Sometimes she has to travel for work and I hate it.


Hopefully it will just be a temporary thing.. I think I could handle anything if I KNEW it was just 
"for a season"...I understood the duration & that the extra income was worth it in the end... but living like that indefinitely...that would be very tough... I guess people find other ways to feel the void... they adapt...

It has to feel like the excitement of a HoneyMoon after you get home from a 2 week trip! I guess that's one sweet part of it!


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## sammy3

Like lovesherman, my hubsand is an airline pilot too , & we've been married 30+ years. Great years I though. Both like the independence, until about 2.5 yrs ago and decovered he , of all people were having an affair w a flight attendant! 

So sadly,we're in the process of trying to figure out if well even have a successful marriage anymore ... 

~sammy


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## captainstormy

I used to have a job that meant Leaving town on Monday morning and coming back on Thursday night every week.

As a single guy I loved it. I had a three day weekend every week, 4 days a week the company was paying for my meals and I never really had to do more than dust my apartment to keep it clean since I wasn't there during the week.

When things started getting serious with my then girlfriend (now wife) it started to create issues. In the early dating stages when we just hung out on the weekends it didn't cause issues but couldn't really take things any further because I was out of town more than I was in town. 

I had three days off per week but Friday was pretty much spent doing laundry, submitting expense reports and packing for next week. You can't build much of a relationship in two days, especially when you have to get up at 3 am on Monday morning.

The OP's situation is slightly different but largely the same. I just found I couldn't build any real relationships traveling for work all the time. If I went back to that job now, I think both the wife and I would be miserable. 

I'm not saying to flat out quit your job. I waited until I found a new job I liked better anyway. I still travel every now and then, but it's once every couple of years for a big reason so it isn't a big deal anymore.


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## CuddleBug

RunninOnEmpty said:


> Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis. I am in this situation, I work 2 weeks away from home and then have 1 week off completely. I love my job but my wife is trying to manipulate me into giving it up because I am gone too much.
> 
> In my industry you hear about both sides of the coin, numerous divorces as well as some of the tightest family units you will ever come across.
> 
> So now that I have posed the question, I will get into my issues; my wife and I have been married for a decade, and over that period of time have never really had much to disagree about. In the last few months, my wife has really started to harass me about being gone. Its getting so bad that I can never really know what to expect. She may wake up today and be in a great mood, have great conversations all day long and go to bed happy, OR she may wake up mad at me and do whatever she can to make me miserable (short or no conversation at all, sarcastic, ect.) for the rest of the week. I have come to the conclusion that she is actually trying to make me miserable during these time periods. Some of these fights have actually gone so far as bring up the big D (on her side). She openly admits that she with holds intimacy with me because she is mad that I'm not home more (but I think she just has an extremely low drive).
> 
> I am having a hard time deciding what I should do in this situation so please feel free to give me advice, I am extremely worried that she is just unhappy, and that my job is the issue today. I am terrified that I may quit my job that i love, and end up getting a divorce anyway.
> 
> In need of your thoughts and opinions....




If you're gone for 2 weeks, oil rig, mine, etc. and then only back for 1 week off, you should be giving it to your wife multiple times each and every day for that entire week you are together and just going out, doing things together. Sex is the glue that keeps marriages together. Little to no sex, and you're apart for weeks, equals a friendship and room mate situation and not much of a marriage. You take care of her sexual and emotional needs for that one week, she will crave you and want you back, waiting for the two weeks to pass, or she will have a physical or emotional affair when you are gone.


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## Miss Metta

I am in this situation now, and this thread is making me realise why I have started to feel unhappiness.

My partner and I have only been together 8 months. He works away alot, 2 1/2 weeks at a time, 3.5 days off. I've been starting to wonder why I feel so anxious and miserable, and "what's wrong with me?". I realise that the waiting gets to me. I"m okay for the first week, but dragging into the second and third, I get really down. I don't have a job at the moment which doesn't help. A few times he has flown me to where he is working, but sometimes the accommodation is crap and shoeboxy, and I find he is a bit different when away, he recognises that, too.

He is on leave when he gets back today, so we will get 2 weeks together, and is thankfully here for the rest of the year. I have told him that our relationship has hardly had a chance to get off the ground, and that it needs that chance. I have also said that I don't want to stay behind all the time, that he either requests projects in our home city, or he take me with him - I don't mind that, I quite like travelling. He prefers the travel jobs because it pays so much more. I am not going to ask him to quit his job for me. I know he wants to marry me, but I'm starting to think this might not be a good idea, now. 

I too am an introvert and am okay with time on my own, but my LL is also physical affection and time together, and I'm starting to realise from this thread just why I've been feeling so down and I develop a lot of anxiety when left alone all the time, particularly at night. Although I probably haven't helped with the poster's original question, but the responses from others have inadvertently helped me a lot to identify why I feel so down and anxious all the time, and that if it's happening at this early stage (I'm in my late 40's, he is early 50's), then it can only get worse. I've lots to ponder...thank you all for helping me identify what my feelings are and why I have them...
cheers
Metta


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## Rushwater

Two years ago, my wife got a drug rep job that required her to be gone for 2-4 days at a time, a couple of times a month. Holy crap that was difficult. Mind you, we had been together 17 years when this started and we had total trust in each other. However, it caused her to change her life style and she started to change in a way that made her more independent of myself and our family as a whole, which in turn, made me feel insecure which made me begin to look more unattractive to her. Thank God, she loved me so much, and saw that it was hurting me our relationship, that she managed to curtail MOST of the traveling and came back down to Earth. Two weeks at a time would have been lethal to the marriage.


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## Almost There

I am not married, but I've been in an LTR with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. It's a long distance relationship. (We want to get married, but we're young and waiting until we can actually BE together.)

The problem here, with the distance, is... you feel like you're constantly waiting for your life together to really begin. It's very hard to build a relationship and a life together if you're not, well, together! We talk about future plans, but talk only goes so far - we want to actually start working towards our mutual goals. 

Living apart is very, very hard. We see each other regularly, but it's not the same as getting to be TOGETHER always. All of those shared experiences, memories created together... you just can't do that when you're apart. When you say "remember when..." you have to stop and say "oh wait, you weren't there, did I tell you about when that happened?" I can't be a physical part of his every day life, and he can't be one of mine, either.

As far as I'm concerned, once we're together, I'm not letting him out of my sight again!  I know that after doing this long distance thing for a while, we are both VERY done. We get grumpy if it's been a long time since we've seen each other, and it's a big strain on our relationship. Being apart is, in most cases I think, very much not worth it. We have the added strikes against us - both of our love languages are physical touch/quality time. Maybe if that was different, it would be easier... but as we are now, I know I couldn't be apart from him any more than we already have been. We're both ready for this distance nonsense to be DONE!


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## Miss Metta

Hi

Thank for your reply. I know exactly what you mean...I know the feeling of putting life on hold you describe. He's back now and for the first time since we got together we've had some continuity, which is wonderful. I too would get grumpy and by the third week of his absence, totally over it. That 'missing you' and 'abscence makes the heart grow fonder' isn't always true; absence can make the heart grow weary and depressed. We have discussed the situation just yesterday, and I have made it clear that I am soooo over the seperation that I see it having a deleterious effect and not sustainable. He agrees and understands. I have no kids and no ties, and I don't mind travelling, so I made it clear that if his company does up and move him again, I want to go. He's said that he would love to have me. The only thing that's stopped me travelling with him so far is I have some small animals that are in my care, and until recently, I had a few oldies that I didn't want to move. They have recently passed on. However my younger animals would be ok with a move if I do it soon. So like you, I'm experiencing the feeling of being completely done with it. He has made a request to his company about the travelling, and they know his preferences. But I cannot take any more. Fortunately he is supportive of my doing part time or volunteer work wherever we are, as well as pursuing my art, which I am starting to sell. But I have definitely put future plans on hold until he was back and we have a better idea of what the next few months would look like. This guy is not the first LDR I've done, but the fourth, having sworn after the first one I'd never do it again! I don't go out of my way to choose geographically distant men, there's not a subconcious avoidance thing going on - I'm always terribly glad when the relationship gets to be permanent and day to day again...it's just happened to turn out that way. But, it's not healthy. 
thanks for your insight
cheers
Metta





Almost There said:


> I am not married, but I've been in an LTR with my boyfriend for 2.5 years now. It's a long distance relationship. (We want to get married, but we're young and waiting until we can actually BE together.)
> 
> The problem here, with the distance, is... you feel like you're constantly waiting for your life together to really begin. It's very hard to build a relationship and a life together if you're not, well, together! We talk about future plans, but talk only goes so far - we want to actually start working towards our mutual goals.
> 
> Living apart is very, very hard. We see each other regularly, but it's not the same as getting to be TOGETHER always. All of those shared experiences, memories created together... you just can't do that when you're apart. When you say "remember when..." you have to stop and say "oh wait, you weren't there, did I tell you about when that happened?" I can't be a physical part of his every day life, and he can't be one of mine, either.
> 
> As far as I'm concerned, once we're together, I'm not letting him out of my sight again!  I know that after doing this long distance thing for a while, we are both VERY done. We get grumpy if it's been a long time since we've seen each other, and it's a big strain on our relationship. Being apart is, in most cases I think, very much not worth it. We have the added strikes against us - both of our love languages are physical touch/quality time. Maybe if that was different, it would be easier... but as we are now, I know I couldn't be apart from him any more than we already have been. We're both ready for this distance nonsense to be DONE!


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## Self Help

It was very hard in my marriage, not impossible though. It took a lot of trust and understanding on both parts. I am glad its over for the most part. We were able to grow closer now that we don't travel.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Ultimately it depends on the people involved in the marriage. Clearly, your wife has been telling you lately that she no longer finds this regular separation for 2 weeks straight and one week home tolerable. That's roughly 67% of the time separated from your wife and family. 

Right now there is a thread about a woman cheating on her husband, and he lives for 2 weeks at a time in a foreign country and then comes home for one weekend every other week. That long term living arrangement killed her marriage before she ever cheated. That's my humble opinion on it, and numerous people on the thread seem to minimize the separation and focus exclusively on her cheating. It's probably a troll thread anyways, but in real life there are plenty of situations similar to that.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/135553-im-cheating-considering-divorce-do-i-reveal-all.html

If you ever see this thread again (I'm guessing you bugged out awhile ago), your wife already told you she can't live with it so it is no longer an option to have this type of job right now if you want to keep your marriage. JMHO.


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## Chana

Eek, sorry, just realised this is an old thread ...


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## bbird1

Yes look at all the successful military marriages. 

It takes a bit more work.
1) NEVER and i mean never give the spouse a reason to doubt your fidelity. 

^This means never. Never be alone with another man, conduct yourself above any ability for gossip always in front of him and when he isn't around.

2) TRUST unless you both have it your marriage will not work.

^NEVER ever place yourself alone with a member of the oposite sex ever. This will go a long way.

Little things you can do. /shrug

When i was deployed my wife hung out with the LADIES. The one time we needed work done she had a couple girlfriends drop by so she wasn't home alone with the maintenance guy. She knew I wasn't out parting and I only hung out with the guys. 

We gave no one the ability to talk about either of us. We have always done that. ALWAYS. She knows it is who i am as much as I know it's who she is.

Hope you find a way to make it work above the level of gossip.


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## elenap

I, too, am speaking for just one woman, and I'm not your wife, but I'm gonna weigh in anyway. My primary love languages are quality time and physical touch, and my husband and I easily survived a two year separation when we were in grad school. We were separated by 1000 miles, we couldn't afford to visit more than a couple times a year, and it SUCKED! But it was temporary. If he had chosen to put us in such a position indefinitely, it would have made me question his desire to be with me, and, even more importantly, it would have made me question his willingness to take my feelings into consideration when making decisions.

When I read your post, my immediate thought was my husband's absence would not be a deal-breaker for me, much as I would hate it. But my husband describing my complaining as trying to manipulate him? THAT would be a deal-breaker. A wife trying to change your behavior so that you have more time together is communicating a sincere commitment, even if she's doing it in a way that is infuriating. 

It is a cliche to observe that men often think things have gotten better when their wives/ girlfriends stop complaining, and are then shocked to get the "goodbye." But I've done it myself - I consciously decided that my college fiance wasn't worth it and spend the last couple fight-free months getting my grieving over with and planning my departure. If your wife is still driving you crazy trying to resolve the issue, your marriage is not doomed, at least from your wife's point of view. Where it ranks relative to the beloved job and your totally reasonable desire to make career decisions independently, only you can answer that. Again speaking only for myself, I would choose another two years of separation AND the loss of my whole career if that allowed me to reconcile my marriage.

Best wishes.


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## deload

I dont think it is good for a marriage. If travel is new to your life as in not existing before you guys got married, then I would say you would be better finding a new job. 

Maybe my story will help you. I have been travelling for 10 years and its taken a toll. My wife doesnt care if I am travelling or at home (this is not assumption, she said it). While it never bothered her much that I was not around, over time we grew more and more apart. Right now I am more disconnected than ever. And she just does not understand why I feel this way. Be happy that she is upset that you aren't around more. Her tactics might be bad but her heart is telling you that she wants "you". How much worse would you feel if she told you she did not care one way or the other. I know that there are stories of people who have been travelling and have great marriages, but I have been doing this long enough to know that the reality is that the majority of travellers marriages are not this way. I have also seen some of those great ones suddenly colapse after years of this lifestyle. You never know how things truly are behind closed doors. 

You basically have to ask yourself, Is changing jobs the greatest thing that you can do to show her love? Maybe even ask her. If the answer is yes, then why would not you do it? Maybe even ask her help in finding a job that can maintain the balance of life that you both want. Make her a part of the process. You will eventually retire from your job and wont have that any more. But there is no retirement plan from marriage.


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## sammy3

LovesHerMan said:


> I keep trying to quit TAM, but then another thread comes along that just fits my situation.
> 
> We have been married for 36 years, and my husband is getting ready to retire as an airline pilot. He is home for about 1 week, and gone for about 1 week.
> 
> It really does depend on the personality of the spouses. I am an introvert, and I love my alone time. When my husband comes home from a series of trips, I am ecstatic to see him. We bond like we are teenagers again. We just had an afternoon of delight.
> 
> If you have established a strong relationship, and you communicate clearly with each other, you should be able to withstand time apart if the partner who is left at home understands that their spouse is working to support the family, and is not jealous of time apart. Of course, this presumes that there is no cheating involved, and that the at-home spouse is capable of being happy with their own emotional resources.



This was my life for 32 years of marriage. We both fit this way of life so well. It kept the marriage alive, and our sex life was never the same time, same place ever.

A life separated off & on kept a lot of things intresting & exciting, but it takes a independent minded person to be able to shoulder this kind of life. Never in 27 years of marriage did I ever worry of mistrust, distance, or strain on our marriage. In fact, I worried the opposite, "when he retires!" But it goes to show, the things we worry about, isnt the things that get us, as my very trustworthly h of 32 years had an affair at our 27. And everyone who knew us, was totally shocked... 

~sammy


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## RoyR

Your wife is being very selfish which is normal. She has every right to be since you are married. Legally, its pretty easy for her to get you out of her life altogether, but keep a huge part of your income. And then she can get another guy, so life would be good.

For women, marriage is all about their happiness, and the legal system supports that point of view. Sorry for the bad news...


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## john1068

RunninOnEmpty said:


> Can your Marriage be successful if.... one of the parties works a job that forces them to travel away from home on a regular basis. I am in this situation, I work 2 weeks away from home and then have 1 week off completely. I love my job but my wife is trying to manipulate me into giving it up because I am gone too much.
> 
> In my industry you hear about both sides of the coin, numerous divorces as well as some of the tightest family units you will ever come across.
> 
> So now that I have posed the question, I will get into my issues; my wife and I have been married for a decade, and over that period of time have never really had much to disagree about. In the last few months, my wife has really started to harass me about being gone. Its getting so bad that I can never really know what to expect. She may wake up today and be in a great mood, have great conversations all day long and go to bed happy, OR she may wake up mad at me and do whatever she can to make me miserable (short or no conversation at all, sarcastic, ect.) for the rest of the week. I have come to the conclusion that she is actually trying to make me miserable during these time periods. Some of these fights have actually gone so far as bring up the big D (on her side). She openly admits that she with holds intimacy with me because she is mad that I'm not home more (but I think she just has an extremely low drive).
> 
> I am having a hard time deciding what I should do in this situation so please feel free to give me advice, I am extremely worried that she is just unhappy, and that my job is the issue today. I am terrified that I may quit my job that i love, and end up getting a divorce anyway.
> 
> In need of your thoughts and opinions....


What alternative do you have for work? If you take a different job for less money, is she willing go go to work to make up the difference? If not, is she willing to change the lifestyle to which she's become accustomed? Generally, traveling jobs pay more than non-travelling. I'm in your situation, I travel often. We both hate it, but it's what paid the bills (until I was laid off two weeks ago, anyway...).

I make sure we video Skype nightly. We start each morning with eachother, check in as often as possible during the day, and we finish with fun intimate Skype.

I'm now in a position where I'm considering a short-term contract in Dubai, and my W and kids would stay here in the US...and I'm quite terrified of the distance, and the loss of physical connection. But we talk openly about our fears, the risks, the benefits, how we'll get by romantically...how she'll manage the house, the kids...our jobs are quite tough on our SO's...


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## rrrbbbttt

If anyone needs to know reasons that husbands and wives have to travel and see each other on a limited basis, the following things have to be kept in mind.

Most of us are the Oreo Cookie Generation, Parents need assistance as well as Children, Daughter is Bipolar is able to work and live in an apartment but needs someone to check up on her weekly. Helping out other children who are starting life, married, children, and dealing with the high cost of living.

In addition, the rotten economy difficult to get decent jobs in the same area that wife has chosen to live in. Note had a job but industry shut down needed to find another 8 years ago same time parents had a major medical event which required someone to deal with the issue.

When there are no other siblings who step-up to the plate, you have to do what is best.

Is it easy, No!!! but as my wife and I say "We deal with it".

My parents and children have said to both of us, we do not know what we would do without you.

Was not the marriage and time together we thought we would have but I do love her.


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## RunninOnEmpty

Hey everybody!

Obviously I have been away for quite some time. I finally hopped back on here and have been reading through all of the great advice that you have left for me. Thanks so much for taking the time to help me put things into perspective. 

A little update to my story.... I have continued to travel for work, BOO/HISS I know. My wife and I have been trying to figure out a way to rectify the situation with very little luck. The area that we live just does not have a lot of work options at the moment. So we began discussing the option of moving to a city closer to a regional office held by my company (city that I grew up in were all of my family still resides). I called in a bunch of favors to ensure that if we made a move I would have a stationary position, and my wife started applying for work. A few days ago she got a call back for a job that technically would be a step down for her pride wise (my wife is in coaching), but pays more than double what she makes now. Seems like there is gonna be a happy ending doesn't it. 

Well that remains to be seen; around the time that my wife got the job offer, another position in our current area opened up and my wife decided to apply. This would be a very similar job (pay, pride, hours) to the one that she currently holds, but would put us in exactly the same position that we are in now (my job being the biggest problem in out relationship). We find out at the end of the week if she got it and I feel like I am losing my mind. I keep telling her that it makes way more sense for us to move and increase her salary by double, and with me no longer having to travel, but she responds by telling me that this new job possibility is her dream job. This frustrates me to no end because I have used that argument for many years about my job to no avail. I am not the guy that would even root for my partner to NOT get a job, but I am starting to feel like I am the only one that is expected to make sacrifices in our relationship. 

Any thoughts?


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## jld

ROE, I would just share my thoughts with her if I were you. Just tell her exactly what you feel, including how you are expected to do all the sacrificing. She may not see it that way at all, and may point out the sacrificing she has been doing that you do not see.

Transparency. That is what I would recommend. Followed up by active listening (repeating back to her what she says, really trying to understand her at a deep level, listening for what is really in her heart).

Dh has worked away from home for nearly two years. He is with us 6-8 days a month, sometimes 10. It's okay. I do miss him. I call him whenever I want, and we skype. 

It is not the same as being together, but I think he is more attentive when we are together now. Dh is not naturally attentive and affectionate, but he tries harder now. So there are some benefits.

He likes his job and the pay is good. We felt we had to do what was in the long term best for our family. He is hoping to get a foreign assignment next year, so then we will be able to live together again. And that will probably be an adjustment, too, lol.


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