# Tired of Being Tired- Physically AND Emotionally!



## WhatToDoNow? (Sep 7, 2012)

Let me just start off by saying I LOVE my husband. REALLY LOVE HIM. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want a separation. I want to stay with him and be happy together forever. The problem is, in some ways, I’m just not happy. But really, I'm not unhappy either. I'm just tired. Physically exhausted, emotionally drained, frustrated by the man I love....

We have been married for 13 years now- but we've known each other over 20. I've always felt that we were meant to be together- even now.  We have 3 kids (10, 8, 5) - the youngest with special needs. We own a great house in a great neighborhood. My husband has a steady job and earns enough that I can stay home with the kids most of the time (I do work 4 hours per week). By all accounts, I am a lucky lucky woman. I know this but I don't feel very lucky these days.

My husband is a GREAT DAD. My Dad abandoned us when I was a toddler so I am especially sensitive about this issue- and I can honestly say my husband is ALWAYS there for his kids. He coaches their sports teams, volunteers in the schools, plans amazing family vacations, & spends tons of time with them. 

That leaves pretty much NO time for anything else. 

The chores, the laundry, cooking, and the cleaning are 100% my responsibility. The yard work, home repairs, maintenance, car repairs, etc.- my responsibility. I do the gardening, the plumbing, the carpentry, etc. My husband will complain for a year about the broken garage door but will not help me clean the garage or call about estimates for the repair.

Keeping up with all the medical bills, insurance, and doctors for everyone in the family- also my responsibility. And with a special needs child, that is no small task. I may only work outside the home for a few hours per week but I spend a TON of time taking my little one to doctors appointments, physical therapy, speech therapy, etc. PLUS all the time I put in at home to work with him and reinforce the things he is supposed to be working on.

My husband goes to work pretty early so he can be home for the kids activities in the late afternoon/evening. When he gets home, he expects food ready, the house clean, all the homework done, everybody's sports or scouts uniforms laid out and ready to go, snacks packed, sports bags ready, etc. I understand this expectation since I am the one that is home more on weekdays. 

But in real life, things happen. People get sick, emergencies come up, time gets away from you, kids don't cooperate, etc. Yet anytime everything isn't totally ready when he gets some, he is very critical, very patronizing, and very angry. It never ever occurs to him that I am doing the best I can and maybe he should actually HELP me a little. He will get all upset with me if he has no sports socks in the drawer- even when I tell him there is a basket of clean socks waiting to fold. Is it really SO horrible that he has to find his own pair of socks sometimes??? 

Then on weekends, my husband feels that all his hard work has "earned" him the right to do NOTHING to help me or help around the house. AT ALL. He will sleep until 10 or 11am, while I wake up at 6 or 7 with the kids, give them breakfast, do house work, school projects, home repairs, etc. When he does get up, he watches TV with the kids while I prepare and serve everybody's lunch. Then he is back to the TV or on the computer while I clean up lunch, continue with housework... 

Inevitably, at some point over the weekend he will criticize me for all the things I am not doing or doing "wrong" in his opinion. It's true- we have a HUGE pile of clean laundry that is not folded or put away. It's really really frustrating for ALL of us when we need to go searching in the pile for a specific item of clothing! It's true that the dinner dishes usually sit on the counter at least until the next morning because I am busy bathing and putting all 3 kids to bed every night. 

I have tried SO MANY times to tell him that I just can't do it all. He says if I were more organized, prioritized better, worked faster, tried harder, and did things HIS way, I would get it all done. And according to him, it is ALL my job because he has a job already. I suggested marriage counseling and he refuses because he says I am the one with all the problems. If I could get my act together, I could get everything done.

At this point, I am just all kids of tired. Physically tired, emotionally drained, and feeling used. Even when I am REALLY sick, he never pitches in. He just gets takeout food and the dishes/laundry/paperwork piles up until I get better!

I never have time to spend any quality time with my kids. Never get a chance to just play with them or really talk to them. I rarely get the chance to just relax or unwind- and when I do, it's because my husband is not home to criticize me. I rarely have any sex drive even though I am honestly still very attracted to my husband- I'm just too tired and getting more and more resentful of him by the day. 

Despite all this, I LOVE my husband. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, and I don't know what to do about it.


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## KellyK (Sep 4, 2012)

Are there any chores in the house that can be his chores? I honestly don't know any husbands within my circle of friends and family that have their wives do yard work, home repairs or car repairs. Not that every family has to be like this, but this workload division work very well in the families I know. 

Perhaps these tasks could go to him?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Would your budget allow for hiring some help? Maybe a weekly housecleaner could keep up with some of the routine cleaning chores. Same with home repairs - outsource!!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

This is some b.s. He works 40 hours a week and commutes, right? Well you are probably working 100+ hours a week (15 hours/day) and get no fun time, no you-time, etc. Personally, I would dump his clothes on the bed and tell him to do it himself. I would take care of the kids and after 10 hours a day, sit down, watch t.v. and tell him that you put in your 10 hours already. If stuff doesn't get done, then he needs to step up and share in the rest of the duties for it all to get done. As far as doing things "his way" - well, then if his way is so much better, he needs to physically show you. That means that he needs to get up off of his duff and do the work. 

Other than that, I would recommend counseling. He is disrespectful to you and needs to back off otherwise I can see the resenment getting to a point that he might have a very bitter wife on his hands.


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## Duraxilshw (Sep 7, 2012)

You sound more overworked then my mother. She's a manager of an entire department and does most of the chores that my brothers and I don't do. Granted we benefit too from being 8 and 7 years apart from each other consecutively.

I can understand having a special needs child can be a lot of work. (I got an A in a class about that and how the school systems deal with them) You are on an up hill battle with that considering the cost to maintain a child like that and I don't mean just you, but the school district too. Especially if it's bad enough that they may have him go to a separate school designed for him. 

Bottom line, your situation is crap. I hope he doesn't expect you to perform at night too, because that's just disrespectful. If he wants to do the 50's perfect life, he's only doing it half right. It's also sending the wrong message to your kids on the image of a woman. For him to just sit there and let you do everything shows very little respect for you and how much he thinks you're a doormat. 

However... In terms of being disorganized as he says... Most likely I'm guessing, if he is able to support you well enough to cover for all the medical bills and everything else, I take it he's an accomplished business man. Thus, he probably has high expectations for his underlings for competency. It's not right for him to treat you like he is, but if there is a time management problem, perhaps using administration skills could help you a long way and possibly earn some respect... Kinda like playing the game. 

One thing about Laundry though... do it at the Laundromat. The reason I say that is: Do it all at once, be done in 4 hours, Don't worry about it for a week. 5 people, 7 outfits, at least 4 pieces each IS A LOT OF CLOTHING. I know because I have 5 in my family and I help mother fold. It's not easy. Socks? forget about it, there is a basket we all fish through too. 

Believe it or not, you are the one that is in control of the flow of money which actually gives you the upper hand. If you can budget house help or hire landscapers, that should help alleviate some stress. 

Set rules for the kids on clean up and playtime. If he won't run the house, then you have to take control. The older two are 10 and 8 and can clean up their rooms. If they keep their mess to a minimum, don't leave their plates, cups and toys around, that should help getting house work done. House work should mostly just be major vacuuming and disinfecting, not picking up after others. 
Enforce a rule of no dishes in the sink, to everybody. Rinse and put in the dishwasher or Wash and put on the rack. My family has a rule of if you didn't cook, then you clean up. I personally put things away while cooking.

As for your self.. gurll.... you need like... A day at the spa, or a vacation away for a couple weeks. Let HIM figure it out. Also find a hobby that you like. Painting, sculpture, dance, martial arts.. ANYTHING that will give you relief because you desperately need to find yourself and not get lost in the never ending job of a mother.


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## WhatToDoNow? (Sep 7, 2012)

First off all, thanks to ALL of you for the quick responses. It's really good to know that there is somebody- even a stranger- out there to listen when things get tough!

As for your questions:


KellyK said:


> Are there any chores in the house that can be his chores? I honestly don't know any husbands within my circle of friends and family that have their wives do yard work, home repairs or car repairs. Not that every family has to be like this, but this workload division work very well in the families I know.
> 
> Perhaps these tasks could go to him?


There are plenty of jobs that I would be THRILLED to have him do! I have asked him many times in many different ways. 95% of the time he refuses. Occasionally, I can get him to help in some small way on a one-time-only basis but he never agrees to actually take on a job long term.



in my tree said:


> Personally, I would dump his clothes on the bed and tell him to do it himself. I would take care of the kids and after 10 hours a day, sit down, watch t.v. and tell him that you put in your 10 hours already. If stuff doesn't get done, then he needs to step up and share in the rest of the duties for it all to get done. As far as doing things "his way" - well, then if his way is so much better, he needs to physically show you. That means that he needs to get up off of his duff and do the work.
> 
> Other than that, I would recommend counseling. He is disrespectful to you and needs to back off otherwise I can see the resenment getting to a point that he might have a very bitter wife on his hands.


I have tried putting my foot down. It got to the point where the kids had no clean clothes, the filthy kitchen was fill of ants, and still he didn't step up! Now, if he just spent all his time drinking beer on the couch, I would have been fed up YEARS ago. But really, he spends TONS of his time doing things with/for the kids, going to leader's meetings, parent's meetings, coaches trainings, etc. So he isn't lazy about everything.

I have asked him to go to counseling MANY times. He simply won't go & there is no chance I will ever change his mind. 



Duraxilshw said:


> One thing about Laundry though... do it at the Laundromat. The reason I say that is: Do it all at once, be done in 4 hours, Don't worry about it for a week. 5 people, 7 outfits, at least 4 pieces each IS A LOT OF CLOTHING.
> 
> Believe it or not, you are the one that is in control of the flow of money which actually gives you the upper hand. If you can budget house help or hire landscapers, that should help alleviate some stress.
> 
> ...


The laundromat is simply not an option for me. I NEVER have a 3-4 hour chunk of kid-less time to do something like that. Plus there are too many things that need to be washed immediately like wet bedsheets, sports uniforms that are needed on back-to-back days, etc.

I am actually NOT in control of the money because he is the primary wage earner and he handles the family budget. I just take care of the medical bills and he does the rest. We have a company that mows the lawn every other week but we can't afford to pay for all the rest of the landscaping, weeding, etc. 

Actually- my kids do help lots- but it's hardly enough to make a big dent in my day. They set/clear the table, put away their toys, take out the trash, and most importantly- the older ones keep the little guy occupied/happy so I can get things done! But really- the kids have very busy lives with sports, school, scouts, etc. It's not fair of me to ask them to take on the responsibilities that rightfully should belong to their father.

I think the idea of "rules" about who cooks/cleans or not leaving dirty dishes is a good idea- but not one that would ever work in my house. When dinner is over, the kids bring the dirty dishes to the counter & wipe them clean. They can't put them in the dishwasher because the dishwasher is usually full of clean dishes that haven't been put away yet. Even when it is empty, they load the dishes all wrong and I end up having to fix it or re-wash everything afterwards. Also, we usually eat together as a family- which is very important to us- but then immediately afterwards everyone is out the door going their separate ways to get to meetings or activities. Nobody sticks around long enough to finish the clean up process.


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## WhatToDoNow? (Sep 7, 2012)

Leahdorus said:


> Would your budget allow for hiring some help? Maybe a weekly housecleaner could keep up with some of the routine cleaning chores. Same with home repairs - outsource!!


Since I am not working full time, our budget is pretty tight already.

We do have a cleaning woman who comes every 2-3 weeks just to do the real heavy cleaning like scrubbing tubs/toilets, mopping the kitchen, vaccuumming the stairs, washing windows & anything I can't realistically/safely do with the little guy around. We can't afford to have her come more often or stay longer than she already does. Of course I have plenty to clean in between those visits!

I have looked into hiring a handyman but they are expensive and most want you to guarantee at least 3-4 hours of work- which I can't do. Also, you need to have your house clean/ ready for him to do the work and have the kids out of the way for it to happen. That's impossible under my current circumstances.

And really, it doesn't seem right that we should have to pay people to do things just because the husband doesn't want to do his fair share. That money would mean less money for vacations, dinners out, entertainment etc. for me and the kids who really do deserve those nice things.

I guess what it boils down to is this:
I want my husband to change. I want him to contribute more and be more of an equal partner to me. He doesn't think he should and therefore he won't. No matter what seems "fair" to me- perhaps I need to accept the fact that people don't change unless they REALLY want to- which he doesn't.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

He probably won't want to change either because he's got a good thing going now.

You take care of the house, kids, dr. appt., home repairs, etc. He works, gets to the "fun" dad volunteering for sports, scouts, etc. Then his time is his time. Hell, if I had a deal like that, I wouldn't want it to change either. 

My H works out of town for 2-5 weeks at a time and comes home for 1 week. I take care of EVERYTHING, 3 kids, my 90 year old Grandma, house, bills, grocery shopping, laundry, yard, etc. I have been where you are, emotionally and physically exhausted. I took on all the responsibility because my H worked. Thankfully, with alot of work/talking/fighting my H is helping a lot more when he gets home.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WhatToDoNow? said:


> my husband is ALWAYS there for his kids. He coaches their sports teams, volunteers in the schools, plans amazing family vacations, & spends tons of time with them.


Always there for the kids and almost never there for you. This is called over-parenting and it is an epidemic reflection of an upside down value system.

Start having family meetings in which you decide how everyone is going to spend their time. Make sure your needs are at the top of the list. Youth sports, volunteering, vacation planning, time with the kids, not one of these things is more important than helping you. Stop all that stuff and get the work you need scheduled. If there is any time left (and I really might doubt it) add back whatever is most important to you all.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry but he won't change.

You will get more & more resentful. When your children are teens, it will get worse.

You have allowed his behavior for too long now - expecting a perfect homemaker, mother, maid, cook, etc. & then being critical & patronizing when things are not done EXACTLY the way he wants it.

Because he will not go to counseling, he refuses to make changes, you love him & do not want a divorce, then you really have no choice but to accept him exactly like he is.

Acceptance of your situation is key for your emotional health.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WhatToDoNow? said:


> I want my husband to change. I want him to contribute more and be more of an equal partner to me. He doesn't think he should and therefore he won't. No matter what seems "fair" to me- perhaps I need to accept the fact that people don't change unless they REALLY want to- which he doesn't.


Forget about equal, forget about fair, focus on specific tasks at hand that he can help with. Live by the minute. Give him tasks as they come up. Put him on the spot for each and every thing you want him to do whenever it needs done. Dry the dishes, fold the laundry, sweep the floor, surely he can to these things. Make a daily task list for him but don't give it to him, request each task when the previous task is finished


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

"I have tried putting my foot down. It got to the point where the kids had no clean clothes, the filthy kitchen was fill of ants, and still he didn't step up! Now, if he just spent all his time drinking beer on the couch, I would have been fed up YEARS ago. But really, he spends TONS of his time doing things with/for the kids, going to leader's meetings, parent's meetings, coaches trainings, etc. So he isn't lazy about everything.

I have asked him to go to counseling MANY times. He simply won't go & there is no chance I will ever change his mind. "

I didn't say don't do things for the kids, just start selectively doing things for HIM. Let him do his own laundry. Do you make his lunches? If you do then stop. You are going to have to get creative with this since he is so stubborn. I mean wouldn't you rather go to kids' finctions, PTA meetings, sporting events, etc. rather than staying home and cleaning up? He's got it waaaayy too good.

If he really won't change than I don't know what to tell you. As Emerald said, you have been putting up with this and won't think of divorce so it really is on your shoulders to make him change or accept it as things are.


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## Duraxilshw (Sep 7, 2012)

WhatToDoNow? said:


> The laundromat is simply not an option for me. I NEVER have a 3-4 hour chunk of kid-less time to do something like that. Plus there are too many things that need to be washed immediately like wet bedsheets, sports uniforms that are needed on back-to-back days, etc.


Not even 5am-10 am on a sat? The youngest is 5 right? don't they start kindergarten at 5? But yeah, I get ya on the immediate wash. If I was you, I'd ask a relative to watch the little one while you got the bulk of the laundry done. My mother use to do that with me... at one point she was holding two jobs at once and it was how I got to know all of my cousins lol. I'm sure because if your family knows your stress level, someone will help to watch for 4 hours. The house machines are great for immediate washes because that way, you don't have to think about putting them into a queue.



WhatToDoNow? said:


> I am actually NOT in control of the money because he is the primary wage earner and he handles the family budget. I just take care of the medical bills and he does the rest. We have a company that mows the lawn every other week but we can't afford to pay for all the rest of the landscaping, weeding, etc.


 OOhhh... oh well.



WhatToDoNow? said:


> Actually- my kids do help lots- but it's hardly enough to make a big dent in my day. They set/clear the table, put away their toys, take out the trash, and most importantly- the older ones keep the little guy occupied/happy so I can get things done! But really- the kids have very busy lives with sports, school, scouts, etc. It's not fair of me to ask them to take on the responsibilities that rightfully should belong to their father.


 Well that seems to be some nice kids you have. Ever had the "Definition of a Man" talk? That's a great way to start a fight, but make him embarrassed. Kay, I guess I can be brass.. But really, if his fellow men knew that _he_ was having _you_ do landscaping, (especially if they are Italian men) I guarantee he'd get strange looks and would have his pride hurt. If he utters the words that you belong in the kitchen, give him the death stare and tell him how he feels about himself. Sure as Emerald say's he's not going to change, but don't go down with out a fight. My mother's been fighting for years and I KNOW my brothers would NOT do the same thing to their wives. Point is, break the pattern, and don't wish this on another woman. 



WhatToDoNow? said:


> I think the idea of "rules" about who cooks/cleans or not leaving dirty dishes is a good idea- but not one that would ever work in my house. When dinner is over, the kids bring the dirty dishes to the counter & wipe them clean. They can't put them in the dishwasher because the dishwasher is usually full of clean dishes that haven't been put away yet. Even when it is empty, they load the dishes all wrong and I end up having to fix it or re-wash everything afterwards. Also, we usually eat together as a family- which is very important to us- but then immediately afterwards everyone is out the door going their separate ways to get to meetings or activities. Nobody sticks around long enough to finish the clean up process.


Rules and habits are not easy to make. It takes discipline and least 20 repetitions. My family has a rule, no dishes in the sink when mom gets home. This also includes putting clean dishes away from the dishwasher. It's kinda like, if you see it, pick it up. if they are putting it in wrong, it doesn't hurt to take the time to show them how to do it and show them that it's OK for boys to do dishes too. My youngest brother likes handwashing while I dry. Honestly, my mother doesn't let us go until we have cleaned up. If a show is on, Dad records it for us lol..

My Dad doesn't do much himself, but mother uses us to help and she rewards him by cooking for him and treating him very nicely when he actually does do something. Positive reinforcement lol.


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