# Help! I am really confused! Emotional affair?



## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

Hello everyone.
First off i want to say that i am 26 years old married 7 years and have no kids. 
Well here goes...
I feel like a scumbag... i think i am i love with my co-worker. THINK
I suppose this began 6 months ago. I was having problems in my marriage (again) And i work with this guy every day... he is kind,helpful,protective over me,listens to me and is not self-absorbed and shallow.
Lately i think about him everyday...constantly...i have even begun dressing up when i know i will see him. 
Anyways i still love my husband but do not feel "in love" with him.
I think it is because of all the shady things he has done in the past and how i am never doing the things he "wants me to do"
(go to his moms church/ wear skimpy dresses...(yeah does not make sense but hear me out) he is confused in his own way and i think for the longest he projected that on me...he told me i should get breast implants!!!)
Well as of late he has been acting all nice again and i feel bad because he wants sex and stuff and...i don't even want him to touch me...i am thinking of this other guy.
But can i fall in love with him again?
I have made myself look desperate to this other guy i am sure...
(I act really stupid around him like a little girl with a crush and looking for his approval (BAD i know) How do i recover from that?
Should i look for another job? It is a nice job but i feel too ashamed...(i have not cheated...not physically anyway)
How do i make these feelings go away?
How can i get back some dignity?
(By the way husband just came in the door and he is already getting moody and arguing... :/)
I can't just leave as i have no where to go both parents are dead and i only work part-time as of now.
Sorry this is so long and full of typing errors. Feel free to ask any questions if necessary... i really need the advise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you told your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage? Have you told him about the things he does that are causing you to have issues with him?


This guy at work... do you do things outside the office with him? Do you talk on the phone or text him when you are not at work? Have you told him how you feel?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> But can i fall in love with him again?


Yes you can fall in love with him again. But it’s going to take both of you working together to make it happen. 

The things you describe that your husband does are “love busters”. These would make most, if not all, women fall out of love with him. He has to know what his “love busters” are and he has to stop them. 

The other reason you have fallen out of love with him is that there are some important needs of yours that he has not met for a long time. You need to communicate this to him and he needs to change his behavior to start meeting your needs. This goes both ways by the way, you have some changes to make as well (I’m sure) to meet more of his needs.

Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Both are written by Dr. Harley. Read them. Then tell him that you need for him to read them with you and to work through the books, doing the things they say to do. If he refuses, then I don’t see a future for your marriage.




Chancellor Biscuit said:


> I have made myself look desperate to this other guy i am sure...
> 
> (I act really stupid around him like a little girl with a crush and looking for his approval (BAD i know) How do i recover from that?
> 
> Should i look for another job?


How long have you known this guy?

It might be best if you do find another job. Look for a full time one.



Chancellor Biscuit said:


> It is a nice job but i feel too ashamed...(i have not cheated...not physically anyway)


Have you told this guy how you feel? Has he told you how he feels? Or is this all in your own head?



Chancellor Biscuit said:


> How do i make these feelings go away?
> 
> 
> How can i get back some dignity?


We cannot control our feelings. They just are. What we can control is what we do with those feelings. 

I’ve had this happen to me at work before. The way I handled it is to ignore it. I avoided the guys as much as I could. In time the feelings went away. Not only did the feelings go away, but when they did I wondered what it was I saw in the guy because he was kinda creepy… lounge lizard type.



Chancellor Biscuit said:


> (By the way husband just came in the door and he is already getting moody and arguing... :/)


You need to deal with your marriage. Either be all the way in or all the way out. If you want to try to save your marriage give it your all for 6 months. At the end of that time assess if things have changed for the better. If they have not leave. Re-access every 3-6 months.



Chancellor Biscuit said:


> I can't just leave as i have no where to go both parents are dead and i only work part-time as of now.


Find a full time job, or work 2 jobs so that you have options.


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Have you told your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage? Have you told him about the things he does that are causing you to have issues with him?
> 
> 
> This guy at work... do you do things outside the office with him? Do you talk on the phone or text him when you are not at work? Have you told him how you feel?


The guy knows...and i have heard from 3 other people 2 who are close friends of his says that he feels the same way but respects me too much and does not want to be a home wrecker.

When i talk to my husband he acts like everything is okay,or blames me because i am not "trying" hard enough. ( doing whatever "he says" and when i don't i am being head strong.0


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> The guy knows...and i have heard from 3 other people 2 who are close friends of his says that he feels the same way but respects me too much and does not want to be a home wrecker.
> 
> When i talk to my husband he acts like everything is okay,or blames me because i am not "trying" hard enough. ( doing whatever "he says" and when i don't i am being head strong.0


If you haven't told your husband about the feelings that you're having for your co-worker, then you haven't said enough.

ETA: It sounds like you're in pretty much the same holding pattern that you were in 3 1/2 years ago...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/26221-what-really-going.html

If that's the case, why not divorce?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Divorce. Move on. Free both of you to be with more suitable companions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, I read your old thread. It sounds like your marriage has been toast for a long time. He's not willing to work on anything. 

Find a full time job and move on.

Don't have an affair before you leave and file for divorce.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would file yesterday.


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> If you haven't told your husband about the feelings that you're having for your co-worker, then you haven't said enough.
> 
> ETA: It sounds like you're in pretty much the same holding pattern that you were in 3 1/2 years ago...
> 
> ...


You know i just read through that again and it really made me remember why things are as bad as they are now...
Maybe I really should have given up a long time ago.
At least i guess i could say i tried...
I feel like i have wasted my life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> You know i just read through that again and it really made me remember why things are as bad as they are now...
> Maybe I really should have given up a long time ago.
> At least i guess i could say i tried...
> I feel like i have wasted my life.


It is not a waste, because you learned a valuable lesson: you are married to the wrong man.

But take heart: you do not have children! This does not have to be hard!

Get out now! Find a more suitable companion. You now know what to avoid!


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## Chancellor Biscuit (May 30, 2011)

jld said:


> I would file yesterday.


Hahaha!! Well i thought things would get better i guess however it seems to keep going in a cycle... that was like 3 years ago wow...
It just seems hard to just leave because we have been together so long. Is this normal or is something wrong with my thinking?
I take criticism well so...feel free to let me have it if you think i am in the wrong.:smthumbup:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> You know i just read through that again and it really made me remember why things are as bad as they are now...
> Maybe I really should have given up a long time ago.
> At least i guess i could say i tried...
> I feel like i have wasted my life.


Uhhh... you're only 26. Seriously... your life is only just starting.

If you were approaching 40 w/ a mortgage, 2 or 3 vehicle payments, credit cards, kids getting ready to start driving and/or head off to college, I could understand the sentiment... but you're not even into your 30's yet.

Start making some positive changes in your life now; that way you won't be posting this same stuff on marriage/relationship sites 10 years from now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> Hahaha!! Well i thought things would get better i guess however it seems to keep going in a cycle... that was like 3 years ago wow...
> It just seems hard to just leave because we have been together so long. Is this normal or is something wrong with my thinking?
> I take criticism well so...feel free to let me have it if you think i am in the wrong.:smthumbup:


Girlfriend, the only thing I think you are in the wrong about was not filing already!

No reason to accept that treatment. And you are so young.

File soon and move on to a more suitable companion! And let us know when you do!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I did not read your older posts so I am not speaking to the past, just what you wrote now. You seem to care about your marriage and you seem to want to do what's right. So first off, do not have an affair. That is always the wrong way to handle any marital situation. If you are serious about your marriage then you need to have a real conversation with your H and explain to him how you feel, what needs of yours are not being met, what your expectations are and how you feel the marriage needs to change. 

You both must express these thoughts and then see if there is enough common ground to proceed forward. As has been said already, marriage takes 100% from both parties and if it's not given by both then it will never be a fulfilling union. If you two feel that there is sufficient common ground to move forward then perhaps seek counseling or therapy but remember you both must be full in. If there is not enough to salvage then D amicably and move on.

In regards to being a scumbag, if you have an affair and disparage your word by breaking your vows, then you will most assuredly be a scumbag. Also consider this, I do not believe that your are in love with this OM. I feel you are enamored with the attention and kindness he is giving you. Do you know enough about him to actually love him? One thing you do know and that is that he is a scumbag because any man that will flirt with, woo or coerce a woman in any way so as to bed another man's wife is a vile and despicable creature. Are you really in love with that?

So, either you both work hard to salvage this or you both agree to move on and find happiness elsewhere but no matter which, always communicate your feelings openly and honestly and never be secretive or covert. It is critical for any joining and you each deserve that whether it be this H or any future H. I wish the best for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> Hahaha!! Well i thought things would get better i guess however it seems to keep going in a cycle... that was like 3 years ago wow...
> 
> It just seems hard to just leave because we have been together so long. *Is this normal or is something wrong with my thinking?*
> 
> I take criticism well so...feel free to let me have it if you think i am in the wrong.:smthumbup:


Do you mean, is it normal to find it hard to leave a relationship? Yes.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Chancellor Biscuit said:


> Hahaha!! Well i thought things would get . I guess however it seems to keep going in a cycle... that was like 3 years ago wow...
> It just seems hard to just leave because we have been together so long. Is this normal or is something wrong with my thinking?
> I take criticism well, feel free to let me have it if you think i am in the wrong.:smthumbup:


I think all marriages go on auto pilot after a few years and couples seem to slip into a trance like state where they don't realize that their marriage is either working well/average/badly, until one day it dawns on the unlucky ones 'hang on I'm not happy at all'
The easy option to avoid a lot of heartache further down the line was simply to have *talked* to each other and *listened* and *acted* upon.
That's why in a lot of cases I.M.O. it always comes as a shock to a spouse (me included) when a EA or PA arises and they say 'I thought we were ok'.
So if your husband hasn't a clue you feel as strongly as you do the fault lays squarely at your door if how ever you have told him and he refuses to listen then if you ask him for a D he will not be surprised, if he is, have you really been honest with him ?

To start enticing other guys though before you D is completely a who****h thing to do and I hope you respect your self better than that

Does he deserve to have a life altering mental issue stay with him till he dies as that's what you will do to him if you have an affair before you D

ADD:
Everyone likes to wear comfy shoes and having the same thing each day is easier than rebooting your life


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband wanted you to get breast implants? :wtf:

Why? _Why_ would he want his wife to get breast implants?:scratchhead:

Either he wants you, his wife, the woman he married, or he wants "Sexy Sue, Your Inflatable Love Mate."

I think you have been hurt by your husband and are projecting the love you should be able to give to your husband onto someone else.

Some people do it with dogs or kitties, some with co-workers. The latter is potentially dangerous as it can cause major complications.

Question: Does your husband deserve having you in his life?

Question: Do you deserve to have your husband in your life?

I think the answer to both those questions is "no" but for entirely different reasons.

Your husband needs to grow up. If he can't, then maybe he shouldn't continue being your husband?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Chancellor: Just do the honorable thing and immediately file for divorce prior to entering into any extracurricular romantic relationships. That way, it greatly absolves you of any "cheating" tendency that could come to the forefront, and at the same time, keeps you squeaky clean in the whole scheme of things!


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Your husband wanted you to get breast implants? :wtf:
> 
> Why? _Why_ would he want his wife to get breast implants?:scratchhead:
> 
> ...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Don't know much about the marital situation, but I too agree it's bad form to engage in an emotional entanglement right now. I guess you need to decide if you ought to end things or have that serious talk with your husband, "I am beginning to feel dead toward this marriage. I can't tell if it is too late or not, but I am willing to see a counselor about this with you to see if there is anything that we can do to save this." 

In the meantime, quit relying on co-worker for emotional lifts and support. If you think about it, you are sorta using him which isn't fair to him, especially when you are married still and you don't know the outcome of the future. To string this guy along is selfish. Be prepared for a major bout of depression when you severe the cord with him...which will probably make you feel even more hopeless about your marriage. Just weather it and try to make rational, reality-based decisions.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jld said:


> It is not a waste, because you learned a valuable lesson: you are married to the wrong man.
> 
> But take heart: you do not have children! This does not have to be hard!
> 
> Get out now! Find a more suitable companion. You now know what to avoid!


file for divorce and leave first, otherwise you are setting a bad example by being a cheat and having an affair. Not the way to go before ending this. And I mean ending it, not a half hearted line where you two stay together in misery


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> Chancellor: Just do the honorable thing and immediately file for divorce prior to entering into any extracurricular romantic relationships. That way, it greatly absolves you of any "cheating" tendency that could come to the forefront, and at the same time, keeps you squeaky clean in the whole scheme of things!



and one of you needs to leave first rather than conducting affair operations while living together. Bad things occur when that happens


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Does no one think there may be some rewriting of history going on here? It kind of jumped out at me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No, did not get that feeling at all. 

Naive girl unknowingly married loser guy, realizes it slowly. Meets quality dude at work, knows it is wrong to inch closer to him while married. Feels guilty, uses newfound knowledge to finally be able to face the music about loser guy.

Next chapter: files for divorce from loser guy. Lg realizes what an ass he is, begs for another chance. No-longer-naive girl wisely refuses. 

Moves on, either single or giving a chance to qualify dude from work. Vows to never again accept **** from a man. Advises other still-naive girls to do the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ButtPunch said:


> Does no one think there may be some rewriting of history going on here? It kind of jumped out at me.


There is history from 3 years ago when she did not have feelings for this guy at work.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/26221-what-really-going.html


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There is history from 3 years ago when she did not have feelings for this guy at work.
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/26221-what-really-going.html


Ahhh....So her husband was going thru what she is now three years ago. Instead of getting to the bottom of it, OP shut off emotionally and distanced herself and is now in an affair. 

Tell your hubby your having an affair and either get into some marital counseling or get a divorce.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

jld said:


> No, did not get that feeling at all.
> 
> Naive girl unknowingly married loser guy, realizes it slowly. Meets quality dude at work, knows it is wrong to inch closer to him while married. Feels guilty, uses newfound knowledge to finally be able to face the music about loser guy.
> 
> ...


I believe some of this but i feel you may be projecting a little.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> Ahhh....So her husband was going thru what she is now three years ago. Instead of getting to the bottom of it, OP shut off emotionally and distanced herself and is now in an affair.
> 
> Tell your hubby your having an affair and either get into some marital counseling or get a divorce.


Or might not be having an affair. But could be in danger of having an affair if she is not careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, BP. We sure interpret her thread differently.

I think that guy's been an ass since the beginning. So glad she is getting closer to getting out. Can't see any downside to it.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I see a lot of attacks on OP's hubby (loser?). We have no idea of what is going on. I'm sure he sees things differently. You think OP is going to paint the real pic of him? We think OP is painting the full picture of herself and her interactions within her marriage? Doesn't suit her thread to do so.

OP, I've linked an article for you to read and consume. The grass isn't greener. Your work buddy wants to have sex with you. You want validation. Maybe you can have both with your husband before you throw it away. Once you get too complicated for work buddy, you are dropped like a hot potato. 

Read and think.

Divorce Busting® - Books on Marriage Problems - Book Sample: Divorce Remedy''


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

G.J. said:


> I think all marriages go on auto pilot after a few years and couples seem to slip into a trance like state where they don't realize that their marriage is either working well/average/badly, until one day it dawns on the unlucky ones 'hang on I'm not happy at all'
> The easy option to avoid a lot of heartache further down the line was simply to have *talked* to each other and *listened* and *acted* upon.
> That's why in a lot of cases I.M.O. it always comes as a shock to a spouse (me included) when a EA or PA arises and they say 'I thought we were ok'.
> So if your husband hasn't a clue you feel as strongly as you do the fault lays squarely at your door if how ever you have told him and he refuses to listen then if you ask him for a D he will not be surprised, if he is, have you really been honest with him ?
> ...



I agree with this


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> I believe some of this but i feel you may be projecting a little.


I agree and there is another side of the story somewhere that is not coming out.

None-the-less, her having an affair is not the way to go. It's emptying another bag of garbage onto the floor without cleaning up the first bag.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Wow, BP. We sure interpret her thread differently.
> 
> I think that guy's been an ass since the beginning. So glad she is getting closer to getting out. Can't see any downside to it.



It's called doing the right thing and getting out before you become the person that you yourself once despised. 

Plenty of downside here


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> It's called doing the right thing and getting out before you become the person that you yourself once despised.
> 
> Plenty of downside here


I can't see any downside to her filing. I hope she does it as soon as possible. I wish she had done it years ago.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> I can't see any downside to her filing. I hope she does it as soon as possible. I wish she had done it years ago.


Say what??? Nothing will turn a victim into a villain faster that committing adultery.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

helolover said:


> Your work buddy wants to have sex with you. You want validation. Maybe you can have both with your husband before you throw it away. Once you get too complicated for work buddy, you are dropped like a hot potato.



Her getting divorced does not mean she will go with the guy from work. She may want to be single for a while.

I definitely think there are differences in quality among men. OP is seeing that, too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> Say what??? Nothing will turn a victim into a villain faster that committing adultery.


She doesn't want to commit adultery. And we don't want her to. That is why we are advising her to file for divorce as soon as possible.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> She doesn't want to commit adultery. And we don't want her to. That is why we are advising her to file for divorce as soon as possible.


That's not what you said above.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> That's not what you said above.


Where?


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

jld said:


> Her getting divorced does not mean she will go with the guy from work. She may want to be single for a while.
> 
> I definitely think there are differences in quality among men. OP is seeing that, too.


Got it. Dispose of the marriage and life is grand.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

_This_ marriage is not working out. And yes, I think her life is going to improve very quickly.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> Where?


If you were talking about her ending her marriage years ago and not seeing a downside, then I agree with you. The way it reads to me, though, is that you wish she had had the fling years ago.

Perhaps I just read that wrong.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

helolover said:


> Got it. Dispose of the marriage and life is grand.


I concur...I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees the other side of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> If you were talking about her ending her marriage years ago and not seeing a downside, then I agree with you. The way it reads to me, though, is that you wish she had had the fling years ago.
> 
> Perhaps I just read that wrong.


I think you did. The word is _filing_, not fling. An i between the f and the l.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> I think you did. The word is _filing_, not fling. An i between the f and the l.


DAMN! I must be going freaking blind! My sincerest apologies!

LOL


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Does the lol mean your apology is not sincere?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jld said:


> Does the lol mean your apology is not sincere?


Now come on. Laughing at myself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Oh, okay. . Apology accepted.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> I concur...I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees the other side of this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This thread is turning into the old "Eat, Pray Love" divorce fantasy that gets played out in the movies and in the book. 

Marriage is discardable. Women trade up when able (hypergamy) when they become "unhaaaapy." Men are held responsible.

Straight up Frivorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

helolover said:


> This thread is turning into the old "Eat, Pray Love" divorce fantasy that gets played out in the movies and in the book.
> 
> Marriage is discardable. Women trade up when able (hypergamy) when they become "unhaaaapy." Men are held responsible.
> 
> Straight up Frivorce.


I hope you are as quick to blame male posters on TAM for everything wrong in their marriages... I guess it just could not be the person posting here is accurately describing the problems in their marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

helolover said:


> This thread is turning into the old "Eat, Pray Love" divorce fantasy that gets played out in the movies and in the book.
> 
> Marriage is discardable. Women trade up when able (hypergamy) when they become "unhaaaapy." Men are held responsible.
> 
> Straight up Frivorce.


Yeah, because it is the woman's duty to remain married to her husband, no matter what he does, or says, right?

"Stand By Your Man" is a Country & Western Song, not a religious treatise.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Why does the subject so often seem to ultimately diverge to being sexist or racist. Let's blame the man, no it's the woman's fault because she's black....Were are all humans and I fail to see the assignment of blame equally as relevant. If someone cheats they are a cheater and it doesn't matter if they are male, female, black, white, martian or venetian. They're all cheaters. It's irrelevant their outside packaging.

There actions are inexcusable regardless of whether or not more men cheated on any given day than women or vice versa. Who is keeping score anyway? If someone is blamed for cheating because they cheated then what else is relevant? No one can make another besmirch their character, they do that all by themselves and any excuses given for it is hogwash. It's nobody's fault but the cheater.

I can accept someone saying "my spouse's actions forced me to divorce" or "my spouse's actions forced me to seek counseling" but I cannot and will not accept "my spouse's actions forced me to have an affair". That is unacceptable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> Why does the subject so often seem to ultimately diverge to being sexist or racist. Let's blame the man, no it's the woman's fault because she's black....Were are all humans and I fail to see the assignment of blame equally as relevant. If someone cheats they are a cheater and it doesn't matter if they are male, female, black, white, martian or venetian. They're all cheaters. It's irrelevant their outside packaging.
> 
> There actions are inexcusable regardless of whether or not more men cheated on any given day than women or vice versa. Who is keeping score anyway? If someone is blamed for cheating because they cheated then what else is relevant? No one can make another besmirch their character, they do that all by themselves and any excuses given for it is hogwash. It's nobody's fault but the cheater.
> 
> I can accept someone saying "my spouse's actions forced me to divorce" or "my spouse's actions forced me to seek counseling" but I cannot and will not accept "my spouse's actions forced me to have an affair". That is unacceptable.


But she hasn't cheated. Yet. And hopefully she will not cheat and will get her husband to shape up or ship out, instead.


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> But she hasn't cheated. Yet. And hopefully she will not cheat and will get her husband to shape up or ship out, instead.


But how can she get her husband to "shape up or ship out" when so many here are recommending she just leaves her husband and gets a divorce???

OP work on your marriage first, let your husband know how you feel and you both need to put in 100%. I will let you in on a little secret, "the grass in hardly EVER greener on the other side" (you just want to believe it is). The reason you aren't feeling the love for your husband is because your thinking of this other man. In reality you don't know what this other man is really like, outside of work and IMO any guy who goes after a married woman is a real piece of work!!!

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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Say you do get involved and this other guy turns out to be even worse. Marriage can have a strange effect on both men and women. Moods are moods. They can come and go. Just be honest with your husband. Perhaps he will make a change. If he loves you he will do what it takes. But understand you will need to do some heavy lifting as well with levels of betrayal is fogging you. But If he does change and has concern, you should know who loves you and who doesn't and who really matters by then. Look deep and not a temporary fantasy of the two of you co-workers getting together.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Like many others on here.....did not read the previous post from three years ago. I am sorry.....sounds like he was checked out. But I think you need to focus on you and file now. Why keep you both from being happy?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr Right said:


> But how can she get her husband to "shape up or ship out" when so many here are recommending she just leaves her husband and gets a divorce???
> 
> OP work on your marriage first, let your husband know how you feel and you both need to put in 100%. I will let you in on a little secret, "the grass in hardly EVER greener on the other side" (you just want to believe it is). The reason you aren't feeling the love for your husband is because your thinking of this other man. In reality you don't know what this other man is really like, outside of work and IMO any guy who goes after a married woman is a real piece of work!!!
> 
> ...


I think he has already had warning shots over his bows. He needs to either start the pumps or man the lifeboats.


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