# My Husband has turned into his Father



## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

This has been bothering me for about six months. I have to tell somebody.
My husband has been spending more time with his father since his mother died in February.
I think it is nice to see him caring for somebody. It also gives me some time alone which I treasure.
When he returns after spending a couple days, he has picked up his father's mannerisms. It is a little disconcerting. Most of the time he is back to himself in a few days.
I guess my problem is that I never realized how much the two act alike. 
My husband's parents were the ultimate definition of a codependent relationship.
She suffered from untreated OCD and he took care of her. Most people never knew she had a serious problem and he did a great job of caring for his wife and his son while working 9-5 everyday.
Our therapist told us a year ago that we were both codependent. I have been working on this since then and I think I've made some progress.
The fact that I get so disturbed when I see my husband acting like his father must mean something. I'm just not sure what.
If there is anyone else who has experienced this or has a clue what is happening, I would appreciate your input.
Thanks,
Zora


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If his dad was the caretaker for his OCD wife, are you seeing your husband's mannerisms as being caretaker for you and it is rubbing you the wrong way?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

His father sounds like a loving, caring husband and father. Just what don't you like about it?


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

The caring part is great, it's the martyr part that gripes me.
Also the controlling,guilt tripping part. You know what i mean?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

That's one of my greatest fear in life. One day I wake up and I am my father. 
Tell your husband your fears.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Zora said:


> The caring part is great, it's the martyr part that gripes me.
> Also the controlling,guilt tripping part. You know what i mean?


Yes indeed. Do you think your husband realizes that he is picking u his father's characteristics? Probably not. Everyone picks up both good and bad character traits from their parents. The key is being able to thank and appreciate your parent(s) for the good things they have given you while at the same time understanding them and forgiving them for the bad things they leave you with.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

I am probably just like my mother. She married a depressed man who didn't give her what she wanted.
Maybe what is bugging me is that "Dad" has not changed and I am afraid "Son" is not capable of change either.
It makes me sad because I was hoping things would change for the better for our marriage.
Maybe I just need more patience.
Zora


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Nothing will change for the better by itself. But changing yourself for the better will help a lot more than you might think. Patience is a virtue but I think you need resolve. Tell you husband what you have shared with us in a direct and loving way. Explain what you see and why it bothers you. Help him see in himself what you are seeing.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks, Ten year hubby, for your advice. I am changing for the better.
I don't see how I could tell my husband that he should change his personality in a direct and loving way.
My resolve is to find a way to appreciate what I have.
It's those little things creeping in that spoil it.
Zora


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Zora, your H is not and never will be his father - two completely different people that inveitably share some common traits, but also whom each have their own unique set. I'm sure your H also has some of his dad's good traits as well, added into the mix of his own. Don't focus on your FIL at all, just your relationship with H.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I turned into my father and my husband turned into his mother.

And together we created our respective childhood marriages.

It doesn't bother me anymore because I see it, I accept it and the parts that bother me I've dealt with.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Do not ever tell him that he is just like his father! That will create hurt and resentment in him that will be hard to overcome. Pick one thing that he does or says, and lovingly suggest how he can change his approach. Support and encourage him when he moves in a positive direction.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Too late, Lovesherman. He does get mad when I point out their similarities. Aparently he doesn't see it.
I will try your suggestion of one thing.
Thanks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you give more detail about what he does, how he changes?


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

He comes back and does little mannerisms that I've seen his dad do many times.
He will walk in and stand (hunched over a little) and scratch his head.
He walks like his dad. Very obviously not his usual walk.
He says Huh? way more. Dad is hard of hearing.
It usually goes away in a few days.
His personality is similar to his dad but that doesn't bother me much. 
I just don't know why this mimicry bugs me. 
One thing; it is very hard to get interested in sex with Dad 
Zora


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. I've never heard of that before. How interesting. IIWY, I would get a videocamera and set it up.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Zora said:


> Thanks, Ten year hubby, for your advice. I am changing for the better.
> I don't see how I could tell my husband that he should change his personality in a direct and loving way.
> My resolve is to find a way to appreciate what I have.
> It's those little things creeping in that spoil it.
> Zora


I think you're looking for a problem that isn't there, or you're not addressing the real problem. He takes on his father's mannerisms for a few days and then returns to normal. You find it disturbing and it scares you. Is this a real problem? If so, it is YOUR problem. He isn't doing anything wrong, and you shouldn't ask him to change. If you did, and if he tried, THAT would be codependent! 

I don't blame him for getting mad if you're trying to get him to change that he stands there and scratches his head like his dad does! Come on, seriously? If you cannot see the guy you married and can only picture his dad when you're having sex, then you might benefit from getting back into therapy.

As it is, I suspect you're feeling competitive for his attention, and you're creating a power struggle where one doesn't need to be.

On the other hand, if his behavior actually causing another effect, then that's what you need to figure out. You have a problem, but he doesn't feel he has one. What is your problem exactly, and who is responsible for fixing your problems?


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

I agree with you it is my problem; I didn't mean to imply otherwise.
I just can't figure out why this thing is bothering me.
I suspect that it's because in a way I can see my husband old and it's not pleasant. Fear of death maybe?
Thanks
Zora


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Zora said:


> I agree with you it is my problem; I didn't mean to imply otherwise.
> I just can't figure out why this thing is bothering me.
> *I suspect that it's because in a way I can see my husband old and it's not pleasant.* Fear of death maybe?
> Thanks
> Zora


Oh, this I understand! I'm experiencing something like this with my own parents - I see myself and my future in them as they are aging, and it is freaking. me. out. 

I've taken it a step further, and I see myself in my bf's mother, too. :scratchhead:

Can you see yourself "old", and is it who you'd like to be? Can you see yourself as "old" with your husband? Could that be scaring you - the thought of being with him in old age? Of being his caretaker in old age?

This is challenging stuff to wrap your head around if it's the first time you are really considering that kind of stuff. I think that's sometimes when people start having mid-life crises. When I start panicking, I remind myself to enjoy what I have now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, your FIL sounds like a pretty admirable, great guy.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Zora said:


> I agree with you it is my problem; I didn't mean to imply otherwise.
> I just can't figure out why this thing is bothering me.
> I suspect that it's because in a way I can see my husband old and it's not pleasant. Fear of death maybe?
> Thanks
> Zora


I doesn't matter why at this point, if it bothers you, it bothers you. Don't compare your husband to his father, that's disrespectful. Don't ask your husband to change, that's controlling. Understand clearly in your mind exactly what he is doing that makes you uncomfortable. Write this down if it helps. Find a moment to share your feelings with him like this:

"Honey, I don't know why but I find myself feeling uncomfortable when you ...". Leave it at that. You'll feel better, I promise.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

I don't want my husband to stop visiting his father. I don't want to make him feel self-conscious about the way he acts when he returns.
I have decided to accept it as just one of his quirky behaviors.
I may do the same thing. Do I act like my sister after spending an evening talking to her? Probably.
It could be projection. Is it a behavior I don't like that I also am guilty of doing? 
I see that my husband is a caring person. He shows it by his actions and not by his words.
He and his dad are going to a kayak show this weekend. 
Thanks to all who gave their time and advice.
I appreciate you!
Zora


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

His Dad will be gone someday. Keep that in mind.

This is very common. Family of Origin is where we learn and become who we are. Good and bad. I see my M-I-L (yuck) in my wife and I am certain she sees my Dad in me. 

The solution is both being aware of it and learning how to reward the good and mitigating the bad learned traits.

Two well adjusted individuals should be able to work through it, but if they were well adjusted, it probably would not be an issue in the first place, so an option is counselling with a professional. This takes the burden off of one spouse looking for the other to change.

Remember we can only change ourselves!


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