# Does anyone else think this?



## Forever Changed

Hi all,

I will keep this short.

No matter who did what, who left and what the reasons behind it were, I am asking the following question to you all:

Do you hope and pray for R, but eventually forget *why* to you want to R? You get obsessed with winning your H or W back, but do forget the reasons *why* you would want them back?

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.


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## This is me

I never forgot why. After 17 years of marriage and my once good companion had lost her mind in a mid life crisis fog, when I finally started to understand this, it was clear I would hang in there as long as I could.

We both learned a few things along the way, and even though we nearly divorced at one point, when she started working her way back, it was all worth it.

I wish you well.


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## stopandmakecoffee

I hope and pray and making baby steps to make myself better & happy for R.
obsessed to win H back? no.it'd mean i put aside my own interest.
but hope? yes.and do.
why do i want R? simple and easy. i love ,trust, and respect him. STILL. even of all of this mess.


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## Dewayne76

Mine has made it very very clear she is in at least a partial (pre?) MLC fog. She seems to think she's very happy with everything. Her car's broken down. She's living with like... almost 2 families in a TRAILER. She has one room to herself and my baby girl. Sleeps on a mattress on the floor. No desk for the computer, she sits in the floor to play her games. Her hours are getting cut more and more...

It's OBVIOUS to me she is, my counselors thought so and now, with some of her questions and answers... definitely something majorly clouding her vision. Says she's happy one minute then depressed the other minute. 

Me? No. I never forget why, if anything I realized MORE now.


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## Lovingwife315

I have reflected alot about my marriage and the years we were together before....I know we have both rewritten history, him to make it worse, me to make it better than it was. It is life, sometimes life sucks......but I know this man better than anyone on this earth, we have been best friends and lovers since the day we meet in 1995. I believe in soulmates, I believe in second chances, I believe in forever. I have not forgotten the crap his has done or said and he should not forget the hurt I have caused.....if we can find our way back to each other, it will make us stronger....I am what you call a "stander" I will not entertain the discussion of divorce , my husband has been kidnapped by pod people. BUT I WILL NOT PUT MY ENTIRE LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL HE RETURNS TO EARTH. I will go on, being happy, being the best mom, friend, employee, daughter, person I can be until he realizes what he has lost. And I will help him maintain the best relationship he possibly can with his kids until then. The only thing I will NOT do is date, because my heart belongs to someone else. But that isn't everything....I am going to try my own version of 180. Because he really does need to start feeling the consequences of his choice to leave.......I feel so sad for him, but I believe that he will come back to me someday. I have Faith, Hope and Love that we are meant to be together. 

In the meantime I will start to FIND myself again.....and enjoy life the best I can.


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## old timer

For me, I cannot say that I want R for this or that particular reason.

I just have a deep love for the woman.


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## 36Separated

Im the same - just want R


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## canttrustu

No. Once I started getting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but I never questioned if I wanted R. 

How far from dday are you?


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## 36Separated

I have returned the petition - she has still to send in the adadvifi


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## christmaslady

Forever Sad,
Yes, I often feel this way. I loved my ex with everything in my; sometimes, loved him more than myself. We split due to his infidelity (he is still-years later) in denial about it and he has moved on and become engaged. He still calls me and we still try to talk about things in our life. It is very difficult, but like many others; I believe in him. While I can't say I trust him; cause I don't...I do often feel I have become obsessed with getting him back, or at least getting us back to a good place in life with each other. My ridiculous plight though is that I KNOW we should not be together. While we were both hurt, we both said some very harsh things; his more harsh than mine and he is now engaged (regardless if he is happy about it or not...he claims he is not and is planning on leaving, however, i have yet to see evidence of that). I am not sure why I feel that I want/need him in my life to the point that I can not move forward in life without him. he still controls my emotions; with one word he can make my heart smile and my soul dance but also one word and he can make me feel the lowest ever in life (he doesn't understand this power, but it is there). I often think that we can get back together and work things out and that we will be great because we have both learned that we do not really want a life without the other; regardless of what else is out there...but then I think that too much has transpired for me and I deserve more. Still does not keep me from hoping for a better tomorrow. 

Needless to say, I am lonely and confused but my heart is still his and I still long for the day when I have his heart completely and undenyably. I don't know why truly I want him back...cause I have realized so much since we went our separate ways; but I know that my life is not the same without him around. True love like I've never known.


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## Chuck71

Christmaslady-Very well written take on things. I am at the point to where I do not want R but yes, we will always love each other. But sometimes you can't go back because of all the burned bridges.


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## daisygirl 41

Lovingwife315 said:


> I have reflected alot about my marriage and the years we were together before....I know we have both rewritten history, him to make it worse, me to make it better than it was. It is life, sometimes life sucks......but I know this man better than anyone on this earth, we have been best friends and lovers since the day we meet in 1995. I believe in soulmates, I believe in second chances, I believe in forever. I have not forgotten the crap his has done or said and he should not forget the hurt I have caused.....if we can find our way back to each other, it will make us stronger....I am what you call a "stander" I will not entertain the discussion of divorce , my husband has been kidnapped by pod people. BUT I WILL NOT PUT MY ENTIRE LIFE ON HOLD UNTIL HE RETURNS TO EARTH. I will go on, being happy, being the best mom, friend, employee, daughter, person I can be until he realizes what he has lost. And I will help him maintain the best relationship he possibly can with his kids until then. The only thing I will NOT do is date, because my heart belongs to someone else. But that isn't everything....I am going to try my own version of 180. Because he really does need to start feeling the consequences of his choice to leave.......I feel so sad for him, but I believe that he will come back to me someday. I have Faith, Hope and Love that we are meant to be together.
> 
> In the meantime I will start to FIND myself again.....and enjoy life the best I can.


you sound so much like me its uncanny.
i wish you all the best.

I never forgot Why. I wanted him back because despite everything. i still loved him with all my heart,
Damn those pod people!!


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## whitehawk

Ok l admit it , l want her back. 
l mess up with an emotional affair , which l didn't even treat that seriously . But under the special circumstances that it was, it was about the most hurtful and destroying thing l could have done and along with other stresses , bad moods , losing ourselves a bit it , it tore her heart . That's why she left.

l've only just through much help right here in this forum , figured this out , or was told more so you would say.
So now l'm living with the guilt of hurting her heart like l have and she is not here to let me mend it for her.
The OM she met has that job now - what a mess .

l want her back because she is the love of my life and my best friend. She's also my family and along with my daughter , l want us all back , the way it was meant to be before l accidentally got so careless with her love.

l don't know if we'll get another chance but it's been 4mths , she's moved out , taken my daughter with her and , she's also taken her broken heart to the OM.

But , l have hopes and now that l understand the enormity of what l did to her and so what she's now had to do to mend herself.
So l'll wait as long as l can because first and foremost , l do still love her more than anything , l always did. 
ps , l do have a plan of attack but maybe some time also does us both some favors too first.

So at the meantime, l'm going on with my end of life , finishing the house , work , and trying to get more into life itself .
Hopefully one day she's healed enough to try again.


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## old timer

Work on yourself brother. 

No woman wants a beat-down dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk

old timer said:


> Work on yourself brother.
> 
> No woman wants beat-down dude.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Will do ot will do and thanks


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## fredmila

I have got very clear objectives and I am not taking my eye off the target:

- I love my wife dearly
- I do not want my family to break up 
- I do not want my little daughters to grow up from a broken family
- I need my wife's support on everything: work, daughters, day to day living, etc.
- I will not come to terms with the fact that my daughters are raised by a step-father or step-mother


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## old timer

I love my wife. 

But not sure we should R. 

Too much water over the dam.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard

I no longer want the marriage we had. I now see it was full of illusions and denial. 

I want a better one. I would prefer it be with her, because in many ways she is amazing. I think it's possible. But it's not my call to make. I set my own conditions. She can respect them if she chooses.


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## Chuck71

Hands Z a pen to write final chapter. encompasses entire novel and sets the stage for.......act 2.


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## whitehawk

l didn't want it back,then l did, then l didn't and did yet again.

But right now l'm not so sure , l don't even know this person or even know how i feel about this person - would you risk possibly having to go through this again anyway feeling like that ?
But right now it seems far from her mind anyway !

l hate it for my daughter , hate it . But you both have to want it and you both have to love - a lot after this . So l'm not sure what the answer is now . 
Maybe l'll take a leaf out of ot's book and leave it up to the Gods !

Meantime l'm getting on with my [email protected] , seeing as much of my daughter as l can and maybe see what life brings.


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## whitehawk

zillard said:


> I no longer want the marriage we had. I now see it was full of illusions and denial.
> 
> I want a better one. I would prefer it be with her, because in many ways she is amazing. I think it's possible. But it's not my call to make. I set my own conditions. She can respect them if she chooses.



How long ago was the split z , sorry mate l've forgotten .


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## zillard

whitehawk said:


> How long ago was the split z , sorry mate l've forgotten .


DDay in November. Filed in December. She moved out right before Xmas. D waiting period up on Vday.


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## whitehawk

zillard said:


> DDay in November. Filed in December. She moved out right before Xmas. D waiting period up on Vday.


Wow , I had to go and check for a misprint but what it was only last Nov and you filed in Dec , bout a mth ago ?
Jesus you didn't mess around mate and you've done so much since, second wow !


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## zillard

whitehawk said:


> Wow , I had to go and check for a misprint but what it was only last Nov and you filed in Dec , bout a mth ago ?
> Jesus you didn't mess around mate and you've done so much since, second wow !


There are few things that I won't gladly share. 

My wife is one of them.


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## whitehawk

And rightly so.

Would you still feel the same if you hurt her first with an EM , causing her crap yourself ?


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## zillard

whitehawk said:


> And rightly so.
> 
> Would you still feel the same if you hurt her first with an EM , causing her crap yourself ?


dunno. I certainly caused her crap myself. was emotionally distant. bad listener. But not consciously. She made a conscious decision. 

And I was completely willing to try and work past that if she was too. Still am. 

But it's clear she is not. Or at least not sure. "I don't know" may be good enough when looking to the future. But "I don't know" is not good enough when in the present. 

If I'm gonna be with someone - right now - they are gonna *want* to be there. Or they don't deserve my time. 

Because all I have for sure is right now.


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## whitehawk

zillard said:


> dunno. I certainly caused her crap myself. was emotionally distant. bad listener. But not consciously. She made a conscious decision.
> 
> And I was completely willing to try and work past that if she was too. Still am.
> 
> But it's clear she is not. Or at least not sure. "I don't know" may be good enough when looking to the future. But "I don't know" is not good enough when in the present.
> 
> If I'm gonna be with someone - right now - they are gonna *want* to be there. Or they don't deserve my time.
> 
> Because all I have for sure is right now.


Yeah l agree and as stupid as my EM was under the circumstances , there were also big factors on her part too or else l wouldn't have been . 
my moods and snappiness were also sort of just coping mecho kicking in from so much stress and us stuff again and a lot of that was from her which again admittedly l handled all wrong .

But l was also out of it and the stress came from everything l was doing for our family , her and losing my parents . 
lt's as you say it wasn't a conscious thing just a very hard run really.
l do hear you and l have a lot of mixed feelings myself even though l did mess up .
18 yrs , you do at least talk , get out what's on your mind, try, but l didn't get that either - just l'm done !
Bit fkg ridiculous l thought .


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