# I Really Don't Know What to Do



## tryingtocope (Apr 10, 2009)

I am new to this site, and joined because I am in a very bad space in my marriage and I am unsure of how to cope or go forward.
Second marriage for both of us; my kids are grown and on their own, but my husband's teenage daughter lives with us. In almost eleven years together, most of our relationship has can be characterized, I think, by the old Dr. Doolittle animal "PUSHMEPULLYOU". Regarding anything deeper than the most superficial day-to-day living stuff, my interactions with my husband seem to involve me trying to push, pull or drag him to try and see things from a different perspective. He broods on negative things, has some fairly explosive anger, holds grudges against people and generally tends to see things in a way that makes him the victim, the underdog, the guy getting the short end of the stick. Even when he asks me for my thoughts, insights or opinions, it will invariably end up where he is entrenched in his perspective and refuses to see things any other way. I find these discussions incredibly frustrating and stressful, and I have reached a point where I just can't cope with it. He will often consider what I have said after the discussion is over, sometimes making attempts to implement my suggestions. But for me, that doesn't take away the severe stress I feel while trying to talk to him.
Since his daughter moved in, all of this has been elevated. I don't want to interfere with his relationship and his role as her father, but I definitely want to help. Adolescence is a difficult time and as a child of divorce and blended families, she has her fair share of struggles. I get very anxious watching the way he thinks about things and watching their interactions, but trying to talk to him about it is, again, beyond frustrating. It's like his pride won't let him concede that I might be right or have a point of any sort. Even if he does come to agree with what I say at some point during or after the discussion, by and large he will still choose to "unload" on her (or on me) in the heat of the moment.
So I made a decision, as a coping mechanism, to emotionally distance myself. I don't spend a lot of time at home, and I avoid interacting with him or his daughter beyond the day-to-day things. I find this stressful too, because it is painful to sit by and watch things go so badly in their relationship, and it makes me angry. I also feel lonely and very despondent about having a sham for a marriage. But I don't know what else to do. It doesn't seem we can be partners.
Insight welcomed.


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## coffee bean (Apr 3, 2009)

A friend of mine was on the phone yesterday and quoted a phrase "whatever you resist, persists". So every time you 'resist' his negativity, he pushes back with more of the same. I wonder if there is a way you could just let him be himself and accept the way he is, but without agreeing with him (you have to be yourself) or emotionally withdrawing?

What are his good points?

What was it about him that attracted you in the first place?

Eleven years is a long time to be together - what has been the 'glue' so to speak, up to now?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I always knew that my stepdaughter will have a bigger place in my husband's heart than me. After about 14 years of accepting this, I have resigned to the fact that the marriage will always be short of my preconceived ideals. After numerous life stresses, I have not given up on hubby emotionally. I am trying to give myself space to deal with issues on my own. It is very frustrating to feel alone, but it will be worse to be a single mother.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My husband is also very negative and full of "woe is me." When I had preterm labor with my first pregnancy, his very first words were, "Why do these things always happen to me?" I coped by using humor to deal with it. I would laugh and tease him to see how he was thinking. He could usually gain some distance and let go. VERY little is really "life or death," and everything else can be taken in stride. 

My husband is just like his mother and one of our sons is just like him. While I suspect some of it is learned behavior, it is probably also genetic too. Introduce your husband to the concept of cognitive therapy--changing the way you think can change the way you feel. If he learns to question his gut reaction and reframe thoughts in a more positive way, he'll be a happier, more relaxed person. I've definitely helped my husband with this--and it took a lot of therapy in my earlier years to help me learn to do it. You can do a lot of modeling, too, "When Mrs. X said 'blah, blah, blah,' I immediately thought she was trying to get to me. Then I realized, that's silly, i'm not that important to her and her comment likely has nothing to do with me!" There are a lot of good books on cognitive therapy (also known as cognitive behavioral therapy) and books on anxiety are full of this type of strategy, too. So best of luck.


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## tryingtocope (Apr 10, 2009)

Thanks, Ladies, for your feedback. 
There are plenty of wonderful things to love and appreciate about my husband - he's funny and fun, hardworking, affectionate and we have enjoyed hiking, biking, camping and travelling together. His laugh is infectious. He loves me, and I love him and there is no doubt about that on either part. But, unless someone is very vigilantly pushing him toward the "light", his constant propensity is to slide into a place of bitter, angry thinking and he becomes a miserable, dark, brooding person. Trust me, I have introduced and worked to help him think differently and implement strategies to help himself. He says, "My mind doesn't work like yours; I don't/won't/can't remember to do those things; my whole family is like this; I've been like this for 46 years, it's not going to change now..." etc etc etc!! 
And I am tired. Exhausted from the effort of trying to help him. I do see it as part of my role to support him, encourage him, hold him accountable, work through issues with him... and he with me. That's partnership, that's the commitment. But, to offer a mental picture, I feel like I am on this slippery downhill slope with my heels dug in, and I only have a grasp on his sleeve as we both slide down this slope toward the edge of the cliff. I am doing all the work for both of us and if I let go, he's a goner. 
I have tried humour, tried just accepting that this is him and that I signed on for better or for worse, and just accept him and let him sort through it as he will. Without someone pulling on him, as I said, he just slides into a place of brooding, angry misery. 
I am not concerned about his daughter being more important than me or how much attention he pays to her over me. I want him to pay attention to her, just not destructive attention. I want her to be treated with love, spoken to in encouragement, given a positive environment and have all the emotional investment that a growing child/youth should have. But again, I feel like unless I am constantly working on him from the side, his conduct toward her will deteriorate into a negative, destructive framework. But it appears that he now just depends on me to do all the "heavy lifting" in this family and he and she will act however they feel at the moment. I can't do it anymore but don't know what else to do. I feel wrong and I am afraid of what will happen if I let go of that slipping sleeve.


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