# female opinion wanted



## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

Shortened version of story
Seperated. Two kids. long time mending my ways. Did so. Trying te past six months to get back with m family. Came very close on a few occasions. Didnt succeed. Have not given up. See kids regularly and speak on phone to them every night. Recently she decided that she feels guilty going out or getting ready to go out when i am staying and she shouldnt because we aar not together.
She doesnt want me staying in the house any more. There was noone else involved up to now and I slept in the kids room. This is a new and terrifying time. I am afraid someone else whose past with her is not scrutinised will get te chance i didnt get and my family will be further torn appart.
I am in no contact for a week now (other then phoning the kids)
I will obviously have to see her soon.
I am thinking of putting a gun to her head (metaphorically) and saying I have been patint and my motives are genuine and my love is true and this could destroy our family permanently and either she gives our family a chance with a period of comittment (not necessarily any intimacy with me but none with anyone else) so we can try to rebuild or else she can go and have her fun and never come looking for me to reconcile ion the future.
Is this a crazy move? I cant see myself being able to be around her or be as much fun with the kids if she is off with mr right.
Please advise. And if u think its a bad idea suggest another one. Im desperate. I love her and my kids and i miss them all desperately. 
Thankyou


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

bobby,

Getting the full story of what has happened would be helpful for people here.

Why did you seperate? do you have drinking or other issues that you've been working on?

If you seperate physically (you at another location) you should have a lawyer right up a formal agreement that there will be no overnight male guests at the house while your children are there


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## life and strife (Jan 22, 2013)

Sounds like you really want to make it work. but you also have to respect what she wants.Giving her an ultimatum is not really a good idea, however an honest conversation over dinner, explaining how you need to know if there is still a shred of hope, maybe the answer....are their trust issues here??


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why have you not followed the 180 path?


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

talk with her first in a non-threatening way. if she doesn't listen, talk with her again but this time with the pastor. if she still doesn't listen, take a lawyer with you. she should see your effort of saving the family. best regards, mae (relationshipsguide_gal)


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## althea0212 (Apr 6, 2013)

Try to arrange a date when you can talk with her in a place where you will be comfortable like in a quiet park, restaurant, etc. She needs to know that you are having difficulties and that you don't know what to do. You have not mentioned if your separation/divorce was legally done or if you are only separated for a while. At this point, both of you must think of your children. They may be confused with your arrangement but it is good that you have contacts with them through phone. If she still doesn't want to talk to you in spite of your efforts, then it is time to seek the help of a lawyer or a pastor.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Really need more context here. 

What were the ways you needed to mend?

What was "coming close" to getting back with your family? If you are still living in the house is that moving back into the bedroom?

Why do you feel you didn't get a chance with your family?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Its been 3 months. Im sure they've already talked. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Not enough information to give good advice. Just more questions...


> long time mending my ways


What needed MENDING in your behavior?
How long did your wife TELL you this BEFORE you started acting correctly?
How long did it take you to MEND your behavior?


> She doesnt want me staying in the house any more. There was noone else involved up to now and I slept in the kids room.


Am ASSUMING you no longer live in the marital home and you do your visitation with the kids there. She leaves so you can have time alone with the kids (sometimes she's on dates, sometimes not). You spend the night sleeping in the kids' room during your visitation evenings. IS THIS CORRECT?


> I am afraid someone else whose past with her is not scrutinised will get te chance i didnt get


Do you think she is seeing a former bf?
Do you think the men she is seeing have a dangerous/criminal past?
How can you say they're getting a chance you didn't?!? YOU were MARRIED to her and you blew it. You HAD a chance. You would like ANOTHER chance, okay. Doesn't mean she has to GIVE you one! Be honest about your past behavior...is this your 2nd chance? 4th chance? 10th chance? How much HAD she put up with from you BEFORE she called it quits?


> I am thinking of putting a gun to her head (metaphorically) and saying I have been patint and my motives are genuine and my love is true and this could destroy our family permanently and either she gives our family a chance with a period of comittment (not necessarily any intimacy with me but none with anyone else) so we can try to rebuild or else she can go and have her fun and never come looking for me to reconcile ion the future.
> Is this a crazy move?


ONLY give an ULTIMATUM if *YOU* can deal with her choosing the worst-case scenario! It *IS* entirely possible that she does NOT ever want to come looking for you to reconcile in the future. Have you considered THAT scenario? Don't force her hand; show her you've changed (don't TELL her...talk is CHEAP); be a man of your commitments; be a GREAT father; be a man your son(s) should emulate or your girls would want to marry.

Can't give you specific advice without specific answers as to what REALLY happened that drove your marriage off the tracks.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Not enough information to give good advice. Just more questions...


> long time mending my ways


What needed MENDING in your behavior?
How long did your wife TELL you this BEFORE you started acting correctly?
How long did it take you to MEND your behavior?


> She doesnt want me staying in the house any more. There was noone else involved up to now and I slept in the kids room.


Am ASSUMING you no longer live in the marital home and you do your visitation with the kids there. She leaves so you can have time alone with the kids (sometimes she's on dates, sometimes not). You spend the night sleeping in the kids' room during your visitation evenings. IS THIS CORRECT?


> I am afraid someone else whose past with her is not scrutinised will get te chance i didnt get


Do you think she is seeing a former bf?
Do you think the men she is seeing have a dangerous/criminal past?
How can you say they're getting a chance you didn't?!? YOU were MARRIED to her and you blew it. You HAD a chance. You would like ANOTHER chance, okay. Doesn't mean she has to GIVE you one! Be honest about your past behavior...is this your 2nd chance? 4th chance? 10th chance? How much HAD she put up with from you BEFORE she called it quits?


> I am thinking of putting a gun to her head (metaphorically) and saying I have been patint and my motives are genuine and my love is true and this could destroy our family permanently and either she gives our family a chance with a period of comittment (not necessarily any intimacy with me but none with anyone else) so we can try to rebuild or else she can go and have her fun and never come looking for me to reconcile ion the future.
> Is this a crazy move?


ONLY give an ULTIMATUM if *YOU* can deal with her choosing the worst-case scenario! It *IS* entirely possible that she does NOT ever want to come looking for you to reconcile in the future. Have you considered THAT scenario? Don't force her hand; show her you've changed (don't TELL her...talk is CHEAP); be a man of your commitments; be a GREAT father; be a man your son(s) should emulate or your girls would want to marry.

Can't give you specific advice without specific answers as to what REALLY happened that drove your marriage off the tracks.


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