# Missing own family



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I got married young and lived across the world from my family ( parents, grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc) whom I see every two years at least (for two weeks or so). This is due to committments, timing, finances, etc.
We live quite close to my inlaws, whom I used to see alot when the kids were home as I wanted them to have relationship with grandparents, but not so much now because I choose not to (I have some past stuff that I haven't quite gotten over - his family are different culture). 
I am now in my late 40s and it is really beginning to bother me. I am lonely in my marriage (though I think we are working on it, tho it is a roller coaster) and I am throwing myself into work and I have good friends, church, etc.
I keep wondering whether it was worth giving up my family for what I have now, I have missed so much in the life of my family, weddings, births, etc and feel a bit resentful because this is never acknowledged.

My marriage was crap when I was younger but it never bothered me the way it does now, is it my age?
Do any other wives feel like this?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not a wife but similar.

My parents moved out when my brother and I started college in the old country. I then immigrated to the USA four years later. Married a classmate from two continents away and we live a very social-less life away from anyone.

My marital adventures have been well documented. Not a happy camper.

I'm lonely as well. But what's the alternative?

I keep in touch with old friends over social media, spend a lot of time online, and focus on my kids in college and myself. Not much else.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

john117 said:


> Not a wife but similar.
> 
> My parents moved out when my brother and I started college in the old country. I then immigrated to the USA four years later. Married a classmate from two continents away and we live a very social-less life away from anyone.
> 
> ...


What's the alternative? A few but they are not great

1. Give up the marriage and go home. If my marriage was really good would not even consider it, now not so sure. My kids are on the other side of the world too, so would kill two birds with one stone. 

2. Insist on visiting more often (that wont work for me due to committments here)

3. Insist on retirement that he packs up sticks and moves back to my home country. If he was dead then that would happen, but while married he thinks that we have a better quality of life here. So he would never consider that. We lived there for a few years and he was miserable, it doesn't matter that for many years of living here I was miserable....go figure!

Just want to hear other peoples views.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It sound like you have more reasons for being there than here. All your family and children are there. Only your husband is here, and things are not going well here, so you feel lonely.

#2 seems like a place to start. If he refuses, then #3, and last choice is #1. Can you change those commitments so you would be able to visit more often?

Do you have friends, "sisters," who live here whom you love and have fun with?


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

I've been away from my family for 2 years only and I miss them terribly. I've missed birthdays, family vacations etc but I just keep thinking, what if something serious happens and I'm not there? I would never forgive myself.

I'm not happy with my marriage either and my husband would never really consider moving to my country. He said he would but only if we had $100k+ saved up, so in other words, no. It's the selfishness and inconsideration that hurt the most.

Try talking to your husband one more time and tell him again how you feel and how you'd like him to be your partner and take not just his own but your feelings too into consideration when making a decision about how and where to spend the rest of your lives. If he still minimizes your feelings and rejects your opinions, then you have to start thinking for and about yourself because it seems that he only thinks about himself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am retiring in a few years but I'm not planning to return to my birth country full time. Too risky as Medicare won't cover me overseas and medical care over there, let's say my immediate family is 0 of 3 in life saving medicine . 

You're finding, I'm afraid, the reality of immigrants. Strangers in a strange land to quote Heinlein. Up to a point you can distract yourself with material goods but reality, to paraphrase Heinlein, is a harsh mistress.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

john117 said:


> I am retiring in a few years but I'm not planning to return to my birth country full time. Too risky as Medicare won't cover me overseas and medical care over there, let's say my immediate family is 0 of 3 in life saving medicine .
> 
> You're finding, I'm afraid, the reality of immigrants. Strangers in a strange land to quote Heinlein. Up to a point you can distract yourself with material goods but reality, to paraphrase Heinlein, is a harsh mistress.


Some people seem to adapt very well to a new land, but maybe they always long for home...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

We both moved away from our families when my husband was offered a new job. I really missed my family when we started having children. Thankfully we were only 3 hours away so we would travel every couple of months to see them. I can't imagine only seeing them once a year. If your husband won't move you have decide for yourself if you want to stay with him or move back to be with your family.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> It sound like you have more reasons for being there than here. All your family and children are there. Only your husband is here, and things are not going well here, so you feel lonely.
> 
> #2 seems like a place to start. If he refuses, then #3, and last choice is #1. Can you change those commitments so you would be able to visit more often?
> 
> Do you have friends, "sisters," who live here whom you love and have fun with?


His excuse for not leaving is quality of life, (weather, golf, his aging parents) and he can make a much better living here and we are still supporting 2 kids through university in the West. 
My job is going well so I might consider moving alone to be nearer my kids and do a long distance thing, I know that is not good for the marriage but tbh he travels so much for work, it's a long distance marriage as it is so it wouldn't probably make much difference. I am just glad I have options. 
Another concern is his aging parents, we may well end up having to take care of them and that is something I won't do, I didn't sign up for that as selfish as that sounds. If he had been loving engaged and attentive H for most of the marriage, I might well have but right now I feel I owe him and his family absolutely nothing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A few years after I was married, my husband was transferred several states away. I'm an only child but I had a huge extended family with lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins that I was very close to. My history in the area where I grew up went back several hundred years and I was very rooted there. I didn't want to leave but it was necessary so I did. The guilt was enormous. I went back as often as I could but with a full-time job and a child to raise and a husband who traveled a great deal with his job, well, there wasn't a lot of time. And no matter how frequently I was there it wasn't ever enough. 

The years flew and by the time I was your age my parents and all my aunts and uncles and some of my cousins were gone. Until a couple of years ago, when I went back with my grandchildren, I hadn't been there in 20 years. I enjoyed so much being there again but it was bittersweet because I still feel guilty at how much I missed while living away. 

I would live a much different life if I had it to do over.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

aine said:


> I got married young and lived across the world from my family ( parents, grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc) whom I see every two years at least (for two weeks or so). This is due to committments, timing, finances, etc.
> We live quite close to my inlaws, whom I used to see alot when the kids were home as I wanted them to have relationship with grandparents, but not so much now because I choose not to (I have some past stuff that I haven't quite gotten over - his family are different culture).
> I am now in my late 40s and it is really beginning to bother me. I am lonely in my marriage (though I think we are working on it, tho it is a roller coaster) and I am throwing myself into work and I have good friends, church, etc.
> I keep wondering whether it was worth giving up my family for what I have now, I have missed so much in the life of my family, weddings, births, etc and feel a bit resentful because this is never acknowledged.
> ...


I left my Home Country at 26 and moved to be with my STBXW here in the US, I have periods of loneliness that come and go and have not been back to see friends and family in over 6 years, When things were good in my marriage my life was good overall and when things started slipping I started missing things from back home again, I think being secure in your marriage you tent to concentrate on that and being happy within your own family unit. 

I do speak to many friends back home though and my family regularly and most of them would rather be where i am and tell me I have not missed anything since i left of real value


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

aine said:


> ...but while married he thinks that we have a better quality of life here. So he would never consider that. We lived there for a few years and he was miserable, it doesn't matter that for many years of living here I was miserable....go figure!


It sounds as though one of you will be miserable in either country.

I personally don't think there's a man on this planet worth losing my family/loved ones over. Not a one.


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