# Conflicting Schedules and Marriage



## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

I searched the forums but couldn't find posts about this issue so here goes..

My wife and I have different schedules, I work the typical 9-5 office job with no "after hours" commitments, and it's easy for me to leave my work at work. My wife is a teacher who is involved in leading multiple extracurricular activities at school and is also involved some community groups on top of that.

Her workload varies throughout the school year but it's not uncommon for her to have a week where she's got something school-related 3 nights a week, a hobby event on a 4th night, and another commitment on a weekend afternoon. She's also much more emotionally invested in her job and often "brings those feelings home with her" which can have a negative impact on our interactions if she's particularly stressed out about something.

Given that my schedule is typically completely open other than work hours, I find myself with a lot of free/alone time on my hands. For years I filled that void with online computer games, which are certainly good for passing the time but not good for much else. I wasn't very good about putting the games away when my wife would come home from her night's activities, and she'd often go to bed alone while I stayed up even later with my games.

I've gotten a lot better about putting my free/alone time to productive uses and picked up some new hobbies. I'm also way more tuned in to how my wife is feeling and we now go to bed together every night, wake up and shower together every morning, then go on our separate ways to work. The problem is that now that I'm more tuned into our relationship.. well, I find myself missing her a lot more when she's not around. I guess that in the past the game playing was dulling those senses.

I'm glad that my wife has a job and hobbies that are fulfilling her, but I wish that we had a bit more time with each other throughout our weeks.

I don't want to come off as needy about this, or a "follower" rather than a leader, but I want to let her know that I value our time together and really enjoy being with her. I've come up with a few possible plans of action:

1. Get involved in some of her after-work activities: she gets to keep doing the things she enjoys, and I get to spend more time with her and be associated with those positive feelings.. but what if those things don't make me happy, or it just seems fake?

2. Ask her to cut back on some of her outside commitments: we spend more time together.. but then the pressure is on me to come up with a better alternative for her time or risk having her resent it.

3. Find more ways to fill my "alone time" so that I don't look at our time apart as such a bad thing, have more to bring to the relationship and make myself more interesting.. but we might find ourselves doing that whole "ships passing in the night" thing for the next few decades.

Any suggestions on how to reconcile our two schedules when she's got a lot going on and I really don't?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Option 4: Ask her to cut back on her commitments, you two find new hobbies together to bring more to your relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is nothing "needy" about wanting to spend more time with your wife. I wonder why you feel she might resent you if you suggest cutting back a little -just to have more time to spend together? 

I think a little bit of option 1 & option 2 sounds great & also option 4 by Truckersgirl. By all means, if you are able to help her with her after school activities, give this a try. It's still time spent together. 

I personally don't like option 3 , isn't this what has already been? This is what causes alot of marraiges to dry up, slowly loose the flame, Yes, reduced to ships passing in the night. Let her know how you feel.


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## upstate_guy (Oct 28, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Option 4: Ask her to cut back on her commitments, you two find new hobbies together to bring more to your relationship.


That's good, and brings to mind that my wife has in the past mentioned that she feels like we don't have much in common other than "watching movies and going out to dinner" which are about as generic as you can get in terms of things to do together.

I've already got plans for some winter sports things that we can do together (skiing, snowshoeing, etc.) and I like the idea of looking for other hobbies that we can pursue together.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

since you have more flexability, flex with her, it is not uncommon for h/w to work different hours, esp when you have kids. 
doo things together, shower,cooking, talk more in bed, talking might for a moment slow sex, but with talking anewed interest and intimate feelings will grow,=sex..

teaching is a very hard job, its not one of thoes things you can take off like a coat, set aside time for job venting, after dinner or before dinner plans are underway...my h and i vent at nite, after the kids are taken care of, and tv is done and its me, him, and nicitone, downside, we get no sleep...but..thats us.

but talk to her, ask for special time of day to vent, cook or at least talk about dinner, spend time on the weekends, even if she has a work thing, see about going, your show of support will go miles and she will notice. have you tried to get a better phone plan and text all day, not back to back, but a hi whats up?, talk about a thing that happened, it will take it away from home time because you already talked about it.

hope ive helped, and not made you more confussed......


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

After reading your post...I was impressed to say the least. There are actually guys out there who want to spend time with their wife and want to work on there marriage? Seriously, I am stunned! Your wife is a lucky women! Also, love how you have solutions for your the problem and your are evaluating them...I really think you are going to figure this out yourself, you are intelligent, caring and a supportive partner.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Try number one...you won't know if you like it until you try it. Don't worry about being fake..fake it 'till you make it, right? Try number two as well...you have every right to ask her to not raise her hand when they need someone to volunteer to help out all the time. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. And you don't ALWAYS have to fill that void with something else...a nice romantic dinner at home is a great way to just enjoy being together without any distractions. But that's great that you've thought of new hobbies you could explore together. You don't have to be on the go 24/7. Try number three...but very cautiously. I wouldn't try to fill ALL that time she's gone. Maybe just one hobby of your own that doesn't involve her. 
My SO is a fantastic dancer...but we go to country bars, b/c that is the dancing that we like to do. And he's GREAT at it. But..if there's ONE thing I'd like to do...it would be for the two of us to take ballroom dancing. Sounds boring, right? NO WAY! There are some dances that are sexy, romantic, and fun. It's a fantastic form of exercise as well, that doesn't really feel like exercise. If they offered it in the area where we live, I'd be all over that.
I hope you find a solution. Good luck.


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