# What to do about red flags? Please comment!



## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

Sorry, it's very long. I don't know how to shorten it up much really... 

I'm in a long distance marriage, been married for about a year and a half. We lived together where I live for about 2 1/2 years before she moved over 1000 miles away for a teaching job. Toward the end of October I went there to be there while my wife went out of town for business. She wanted someone to be there so my stepson didn't have to stay with someone else for the couple days when she was away. 

I got there on a saturday so that we would have a few days together before she went out of town. Other than a kiss and hug when I got first got there, there was no intimacy. I gave her back and foot rubs nightly but she wouldn't let it get sexual in any way. She worked Monday and Tuesday and asked me to wait to come to bed to allow her to get to sleep before I went to bed. Even in the bed she sleeps so I have no physical contact. This practice continued on Saturday night when she returned for her trip. 

So finally when I was getting ready to leave on Sunday, I exploded asking "why it is so hard to be treated like a husband?" She didn't want to talk about it and we rode in silence to the airport. 

Our communication has dwindled to non-existant. I used to text and email her daily. About last May she told not to send the BS email, that she was too busy for it. Up until October she did call at least 5 nights a week. I let her call as it was better for her to pick the time when she wasn't busy. I could stop whatever I was doing and we could talk. I thought that was working fairly well. During the October visit, she told me she felt "obligated" to have to call. I responed "that isn't good". And after what happened then, she has only called a couple times in now a month and a half. 

I had been planning on driving back (over 1000 miles) over Thanksgiving but she called and told me not to come. I'd already changed my mind about it based on what had gone on in October but just told her I didn't have the gas money for the trip so wasn't coming because of that. I was going to fly out for Christmas and she said maybe I should go see my kids. 

I've been trying to figure out what is causing all the red flags ever since the October visit. I sent her something I found on here, not telling where it came from and she blew that off saying she was too busy to read it and it applied to couples that actually lived together. 

She then calls on last Friday night and I ask her about the lack of intimacy. Her story is that she was too worried about leaving her son with me while she was out of town and worried about how her classroom while she was away. I knew her job is stressful and took that into consideration. Then she goes into how her apartment is too small, there's no personal space when I visit, she doesn't want the neighbors to hear us. And says she doesn't like to make out in public or even in front of her son. 

This October visit wasn't the first time I experienced the behavior but this was the worst. So I can buy the job stress to an extent but to me I'd want some intimacy if I truly loved someone no matter of what stresses where going on. 

I have every thing I need in my life where I live except her; a job, a very nice house and workshop (something that is important to me for my hobbies). If I move, she acts like me that having a similar workshop isn't important. She makes statements about I won't do this or that like I do where I live now. I don't know that I can or should move with all these red flags now. My gut is telling me it's not going to work. The intimacy is important to me, I like sex but it's much more than that. I want a deeper relationship but not feeling she is wanting the same. More like she wanted me for a good dad figure for her stepson and to be a Mr fixit and maybe some intimacy once in a while when she not stressed. She says I've "put her life on hold" while I wait for my house to sell and move. 

Can I get some thoughts from you all???


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

*Re: What to do about red flags?*

You need to either move there, or she needs to move where you live. You can't live apart because you will grow apart. That's a recipe for disaster.

I would tell her she needs to move back by such and such date, or you are going to move there. Start looking for jobs and making arrangements. Judge by her reaction. Most normal women would be extremely happy to have their husband home with them.

I definitely think the situation seems weird. What is the frequency in which you typically visit? Most couples have to spend upwards of around 15 hours a week together of quality time to continue a bond.


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

She says she won't move back, that she can't find a job here. And that she and her son like it there. 

I'm very concerned that if I do sell my house and move there, it won't work out because of the red flags I spoke of. And I gave up a house I like, I'll be a 1000 miles away from where I'd rather be if I'm not in a good relationship / marriage. 

I'm not able to visit but maybe every 2-3 months. It's over 1000 miles, two days driving each way. Plane tickets are nearly $500 each time. I'm not that weathly to do that for very long. 

She had given me deadline of like about now before but she isn't holding me to it because of the slow housing market.  My house had a few lookers but no offers in 6 months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would be very reluctant to sell my house, quite my job and give up everthing like friends to go make an attempt to make a marriage work with a person who seem to not care. She does not even communicate with you. 

Do you even think that you could get a new job where she is living? The job market is horrible.

Red Flags? They are huge red flags.


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## Dwatt (Dec 5, 2011)

sounds like she does not want to be married. I am baffled as to why you agreed to such a long distance marriage. That is not a marriage at all. It's not even a long distance relationship. It sounds like you need to reevaluate why it is you got married to a woman who doesn't want to be married.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you got the ability to check to see if she's hooked up with someone there? Teachers are notorious for hooking up with others a school.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

i wouldn't move 1000 miles away to take a chance on something that already has cracks showing. if you guys cant fix the fundamentals, it'll get so much worse when you're living in a new place. serious re-evaluation is needed


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I think this relationship is already over. Trust me, long distant marriages are a nothing but relationship killers! I definitely would not sell my home and move given the circumstances. I would be talking divorce. You essentially already are.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I'm curious, what was your relationship like before she moved? 

Was this a mutual decision for her to move 1000 miles away? 

Was there any discussion of you moving with her? 

Did the two of you discuss how things would work while she was away?

Was this suppose to be a temporary move? Or permanent? 

What were your long term plans for the marriage when she left? 

Could she really not find a job nearer to home?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I agree with the others she doesn't seem to want to be married so i would not sell the house. She needs to show you she wants to be married and have things work out. Maybe do some job research for what she does and see if there is something a lot closer she can do? I doubt the only job she can get is 1000 miles away. My cousin teaches and there was nothing in the city she lives in. Living apart from her husband wasn't an option so she drives an hour to work each way. 

I'm doing the long distance thing as well. My husband is in TX im in ny. I did quit my job when he said it was too much distance and i moved there no questions asked but then my grandmother was diagnosed with a brain tumor and has had a few surgeries so I have been flying back and forth to help take care of her. My family has been doing things in shifts but hopefully with her upcoming surgery this will be the last one and she will be a lot better, or so the doctors say. This distance is killing me and my husband. We miss each other like crazy and yes plane tickets are crazy expensive and my family has helped cover those expensive plus i have a daughter so its easily $1000-1200 each time I fly.


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I'm curious, what was your relationship like before she moved?
> 
> Was this a mutual decision for her to move 1000 miles away?
> 
> ...



We lived together for about 2 1/2 years before she took the job and moved. She wanted me to move with her at that time and I said no - for some of the same reasons I now have the big red flags for. So we broke up at that time but got back together about 4 months later. Sex and intimacy had never been a problem when she lived with me and it was good again at first when we got back together. Looking back, some of the intimacy slipped away at the time she took the job and that was part of why I wasn't so wild about going then. In my subconsience anyway, it was being an issue then. 

She says she can't find a job locally but I haven't looked for her. If she did it would be a large pay cut but it's far more expensive to live where she lives so to me that is not a large deal. She likes the weather in that area more than where I am. I like the weather better here.

When we got back together, I asked her to marry me to show her how committed I was. I still do love her but I don't think I can move as I don't see that we are wanting the same thing from it. She is putting all kinds of conditions on it and not loving me for who I am. Conditions that weren't part of the equation when we got married. I'm not a person that lives in a box in the closet that you take out and play with only when you want to..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

off the crazy train. said:


> We lived together for about 2 1/2 years before she took the job and moved. She wanted me to move with her at that time and I said no - for some of the same reasons I now have the big red flags for. So we broke up at that time but got back together about 4 months later. Sex and intimacy had never been a problem when she lived with me and it was good again at first when we got back together. Looking back, some of the intimacy slipped away at the time she took the job and that was part of why I wasn't so wild about going then. In my subconsience anyway, it was being an issue then.
> 
> She says she can't find a job locally but I haven't looked for her. If she did it would be a large pay cut but it's far more expensive to live where she lives so to me that is not a large deal. She likes the weather in that area more than where I am. I like the weather better here.
> 
> When we got back together, I asked her to marry me to show her how committed I was. I still do love her but I don't think I can move as I don't see that we are wanting the same thing from it. She is putting all kinds of conditions on it and not loving me for who I am. Conditions that weren't part of the equation when we got married. I'm not a person that lives in a box in the closet that you take out and play with only when you want to..


It really bothers me that she does not see the need for a workshop if you move. It sounds like doing things in it is a big part of who you are. Somehow that is not important to her.

Sadly from all that is said this relationship might seems to have ended a long time ago from her point of view. I don't get why she is hanging on.


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It really bothers me that she does not see the need for a workshop if you move. It sounds like doing things in it is a big part of who you are. Somehow that is not important to her.
> 
> Sadly from all that is said this relationship might seems to have ended a long time ago from her point of view. I don't get why she is hanging on.



Yes, the workshop is a big deal to me. I have a "killer" shop here that would likely cost at least an extra $50k where she lives to replace. Many others have told me they doubted I could replace it. It was the main reason I bought the house I have here. 

She seems more concerned about what she would do with my stuff if I passed away before her. My perspective on that is "why is she acting like I'll die tomorrow?" My dad is in his 90s and doing quite well for his age. So I being in my mid 50s, I plan to spend a fair amount of time in my workshop, for years yet. It's part of how I live my life to the fullest. 

My mind is pretty made up that it isn't going to work. I was after validation of my thoughts. And maybe to rationalize the guilt of giving up on it all.

As far as her hanging on, I've thought maybe she is waiting for me to be the one to say that it's over. So that she can say I was the one that gave up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

off the crazy train. said:


> Yes, the workshop is a big deal to me. I have a "killer" shop here that would likely cost at least an extra $50k where she lives to replace. Many others have told me they doubted I could replace it. It was the main reason I bought the house I have here.
> 
> She seems more concerned about what she would do with my stuff if I passed away before her. My perspective on that is "why is she acting like I'll die tomorrow?" My dad is in his 90s and doing quite well for his age. So I being in my mid 50s, I plan to spend a fair amount of time in my workshop, for years yet. It's part of how I live my life to the fullest.
> 
> ...


Do you provide her with any financial support?

I don't even want to go down the road of why she might be talking about when you pass away. 

You might be right that she is waiting for you to make the decision to end it. Since she's a 1000 miles away it's probably easy for her to get the whole thing out of her mind. She does not have to deal with it. You are the one who has to do something to move there. She's not doing anything. So to her out of sight, out of mind.


It sounds like you are making the right decision. 

You keep that workshop, it will give you more years of enjoyment than she has. I side with you on this... I love a good workshop and tools. What kinds of things to you build in the work shop?


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## off the crazy train. (Nov 1, 2011)

The only financial support I've given is for out of the ordinary stuff. The transmission on her car went out and I paid about half of that repair bill. She is working to complete her master's degree and was told her financial aid was maxed out when it came to paying for the final class. I had just sold a collector car and gave her half of those proceeds. At the time, I thought I was investing in "our future". 

She has a second vehicle for a backup. She had some repair stuff done on that because I am here and we picked it up during my visit in October. She wanted me to pay for that and I balked. I had been stashing the proceeds from that car I sold for moving expenses and not much was left after giving her some for the education expenses I spoke of. She paid the bill. 

I've had old cars for a hobby since I was in my early teens. I can do most of my own work for rebuilding them. I've had projects I gathered before I got married the first time and survived that divorce without giving them up. I do all my own vehicle maintenance besides the rebuilding so I utilize that shop very well. 

The way she talked about my stuff, it wasn't like she is a gold digger or anything along those lines. More that she viewed it as a hassle she didn't want to deal with if I died. Her comment was that she'd just call someone to haul it off. 

When we first got together I had feelings I never experienced with my first wife during the whole 20 some years I was on that crazy train. When we got back together those feelings came back. But they aren't there any more, definately after the last visit. 

Thank you for your comments!!


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

No intimacy or sex after having been apart for a length of time is one hell of a red flag.

The "feeling obligated to call" comment is another really good sign that she is completely detached from you. 

I'd be very careful before giving up your home to be with her if she isn't that interested in making you happy. Everything here kind of makes it seem like that isn't in her top ten list of things she's worried about.


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