# Guilt Trip



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

So this thread has a lot to do with my previous thread "Taking blame, but its hard to swallow" 

Recap: I have been managing our budget now for the past few years, and my husband has had problems keeping track of his spending in the past. Especially it seems, when he sets himself a budget. 

So in November when I got my paycheck he told me he would need to write two 400.00 checks and I told him I would budget it in. We never spoke on the subject again. He wrote the checks on the 12th, and I had already given him a paper that showed all our bills, their amounts, as well as our income for the month. Based on that I just assumed he could make an educated choice and realize that we could not pay 800.00 we did not have it. 

Anyway, now here we are a week later and my mom has been talking with me about getting me a new laptop because mine is seven years old and cannot update anymore. 

I was just talking to my husband about why I needed the new laptop because he seemed... I don't know.. upset about my getting it. Then I asked him if he was upset. He made the "face" the one I designate "I am frustrated with you, but I am trying not to be a D***, and am trying to calmly explain this to you" face. 

He told me that I was rubbing in the fact that I was getting a new computer, and that neither him or his daughter would get anything for Christmas because of my budget mess up. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be happy about getting a new computer, that unknowingly I was rubbing it in their faces. 

It hurt my feelings a little bit and I retreated into the bedroom.He followed. He tried to explain how if I couldn't see how ****ty it was to talk about getting a new computer when no one else would get anything, then something was wrong with me. I asked him how long he was going to pull these "guilt trips" and he looked at me with full sincerity and said "You should feel guilty". 

I just don't understand it... yes I was the budgeter did I make a mistake yes... but he never double checked with me, he wrote the checks, and then *****ed that we wouldn't have enough money. 

I feel like this sometimes when I get something new... I am getting a laptop a new one, because mine is seven years old. His daughter has stood on it, I have hauled it back and forth forever. It has a charging issue, it is so old that the chip can no longer adapt to the new updates. It is a Macbook 2008, and it just doesn't work for school either. 

But now.. I feel guilty about even getting it, even though he says he understands why I am getting it and he's happy? He sure doesn't sound happy.. he sounds peeved off. He is making sure that I learn from my mistake I think. I really didn't expect to be getting guilt trips but I feel like I am in for a lot more. 

When I said to him, "Maybe I should just wait to buy a new laptop" he looks at me and says "I'm not going to pity you" 

We have like two good days and then I do something and I am totally unaware and I have ruined it again. Either I am just the worse person ever, and I just don't know what I am doing wrong, or I don't know... maybe I just suck. 

Thoughts?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What was the $800 for?

IMO I would put the laptop on hold for a few months. Unless it's an absolute need right now, I would wait until the $800 overspending has been dealt with.

Maybe your Mom could help chip in for one as a Christmas present, you would pay the rest when you buy it sometime after Christmas?

For me, the kids getting presents is pretty much my #1 (after bills of course) this time of year. Is this your child too? That is also something I would make sure was done before the laptop.

Oh but ETA- Guilt tripping is NOT ok and not a healthy way to communicate. 
He should have sat down with you and said this was not a good time for the laptop because of ________. Then you'd try together to work on an agreement. 
Had he done that, how would you have responded?


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I had something similar on a larger scale recently where I was in your husband's shoes, sort of. I was very happy with he overall result of purchases for my wife. Completely prepared to tighten my belt and accept putting some purchases I planned on for myself on hold a while. But my wife... Her actions and behavior surrounding it all bothered me.

Sometimes when a person feels it may be their turn for something new, or they help their spouse to get the best for them while taking what's left, it can be tough to both; be happy and not have some level of expected... Well... Jealousy? 

In a situation where there may be a budget concern and you're getting something like a new laptop, you're going to be happy and excited. Nice new shiny thing. Right? Hell, I know I love to get a new gadget. Wen that happens we don't always see how much we may say, brag, gloat, what have you. It can get on other peoples nerves if they're having to give something up or go without. 

Not saying your husband is justified, or handling it appropriately. But do try to put yourself in his shoes. You said the two checks for $400 weren't a problem. Now they are. But you still get new laptop and the trade is Christmas is cancelled from the sound of it.

Sometimes in these situations it's good to exercise some appreciation and humility together.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> Anyway, now here we are a week later and my mom has been talking with me about getting me a new laptop because mine is seven years old and cannot update anymore.


Let your mom pay for it. She is the one talking about it. 

If the money is not there due to the holidays then it might have to wait.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This would be a gift from your mom. So sorry his mommy doesn't like him as well. It's his fault he didn't think to save for his own daughter's presents - but, of course, it is all your fault. Don't take that guilt trip. He's treating you like a whipping post.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh I misread it. I thought she was buying the laptop herself. If Mom is buying it it's a whole different thing


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Hi Slowlygoingcrazy, 

So the 800 paid two workers of his for their time. However, before he mentioned those checks I had already talked to him about how much our bills were going to be and how much income we would have. He nodded and said ok. Later he said I never talked to him about that stuff and it was my job as the budgeter to make sure we wouldn't go over. 

As for the child, no she is not mine. She is my step daughter. 

My new laptop I need for school and work, because right now I am lugging my big iMac 240 miles into the valley where I work. A laptop would be much easier to haul back and forth. The one I do have is 7 years old and does not work very well anymore. It was the original Macbook from 2008. 

I had been planning on getting a new laptop for awhile, and the money for it comes from my christmas money from my family.


----------



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Update:

Ok.. so I told everyone that I would not be getting a new laptop and to use their money to get my husbands daughter some things to open on Christmas. My husband and I go without, but she will have some things to open. 

Second: For my birthday, which is today the 1st my husband got me cable in our bedroom. And Apple Tv.. however, now he won't stop guilting me for the stuff even though I have put off getting a new laptop. He said it doesn't matter. 

My mom did not deposit my paycheck this morning like she said she would, and now with our account 600.00 in the negative, our pipes having issues, my husband has written 2 checks in worth of 130.00 dollars. He says he can't budget unless he has money to budget. We will now be 1200 in the negative and this is all my fault. 

It's one thing for him to be upset with me any other day, but I dont really enjoy being yelled at, guilted, and blamed on my birthday. Kind of makes me feel like its just another day of the year. 

A few days earlier my husband commented to me that I had "let myself go" and maybe we didn't have anything in common anymore and maybe we had grown apart. I was a size 16 when I met my husband and I have gained weight now at at a size 20 Jean. It's been a stressful five years.. for sure... somehow I feel this makes him love me less and he is less likely to show me affection. 

It just feels like a losing battle....


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

OP- I didn't read it properly and thought you were using your own money for the laptop. Your family money going to one shouldn't be an issue with your H at all. Kids don't need much, even if you can save $25-$50 on the laptop by finding a sale or something and put it towards some small gifts I think that is a pretty good compromise. 

Had you budgeted in money for Christmas? How about an emergency fund? I would start 2016 with a system that includes sinking funds for yearly or sporadic expenses (stuff like Christmas, car repairs, vacation) and an emergency fund. With or without him!  
I know a lot of people have had success with this https://www.daveramsey.com/baby-steps

Happy Birthday and I'm sorry he's guilt tripping you again about this. Why the heck did he get it if he was just going to b*tch about it?

ETA: guilt tripping you, not quilting you


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Toomuchlove....Not hearing the from other party in this "guilt trip" does not make it fair. Why does it appear your H is simply an ogre? It appears you play no part in what is happening in this financially strapped marriage. I understand you took the time to show the budget to your H. Doing so did not work out. What was done to correct this in the future or was time spent looking over new computers? What plans are being made to get stability in your financial world? Seems a lot of energy is being spent here on a computer and some Apple TV. Now you are after your mother because your check was not deposited? Why not deposit the check yourself? Banks allow deposits even after closing. Use the drive through.

I don't believe the issue is a computer, apple TV, pipes, or a check that was not deposited. It appears to be making ends meet every month that require robbing Peter to pay Paul. Work on the budget together. When any check is written both know about it the instant it is cut. The balance is known at that time.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'd start with getting something a little more economically practical than overpriced and underpowered hardware like another Macbook.

No wonder it couldn't last 7 years.... My older than yours, originally Vista, HP Laptop currently runs Windows 10 and it runs as well as when I bought it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> I don't believe the issue is a computer, apple TV, pipes, or a check that was not deposited. It appears to be making ends meet every month that require robbing Peter to pay Paul. Work on the budget together. When any check is written both know about it the instant it is cut. The balance is known at that time.


While I do agree with this, your husband sounds like a real jerk. Why do you roll over and let him treat you like that??


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> While I do agree with this, your husband sounds like a real jerk. Why do you roll over and let him treat you like that??


That's why he treats her like that. Now, he has her dictating to her family who to spend their money on.

He can't afford to buy his own daughter a present but he can afford to add cable & Apple TV to his bedroom and pretend it was a present for his wife.

He makes bad decisions and then blames her for them. What a putz! But, he must have something that keeps her jumping whenever he barks. 

OP, when you finish your schooling, I hope you get a grip on your life and realize that a better life is out there for you.


----------

