# Here's my story, what do you think?



## April2012 (Apr 27, 2012)

Hi everyone,

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 8. We have a 10 years old daughter and a 5 years old son together. He is 8 years older than me and has a lot of baggage under his belt. His second marriage (I met him when he was separated, he did not have any children from that marriage). My first marriage. I am sorry of this gets long, I know it will...

I moved across the country to be with him in my early 20s. Away from all my friends and family. I was young and obviously never thought about the impact of living far away from all my "people" would be in the long run. I am very independant, very mature, have a real good job. I am making a good salary, but have absolutely nothing in the bank account because of his spending habits. When we get paid, the money is out of the bank account as soon as it gets in. We barely pay all our bills. We'll fight because I don't want him to spend money on this or that, because I want to save money. In the end, the money is spent no matter what, which most of the time causes a nasty fight. I get called names, get yelled at because apparently I put him in a bad mood and try to control him. 

Before we had the kids, we had issues. We've had issues since the first month I moved in with him. He would go out and party all the time, and he would become a mean drunk and yell at me, call me names. These names, I cannot forget. Over the years he would say: "get over it, I was mad, I am sorry". The names I can't repeat, not online. But imagine a husband calling his wife a F****** C***. That is unacceptable.

I have to admit that I have stayed with him because of several reasons:
1- No money to leave
2- The kids
3- "hopeful that it will work out"
4- My family always said: when we have problems we try to solve them
5- Lack of "gutts"

Before we had kids, while he was drunk and enraged, he told me he liked having stuff done by other guys. You figure it out. It disgusted me so much. I did not get near him for a year or so. Over the years, I have found ads posted by him to meet with other guys while he was on the road for business trips. I also found many times, in his browser history, all sorts of things related to male prostitutes, escorts. All disgusting things. We haven't had a normal relationship I would say.

He screams and yells at me saying he is not gay. I do not beleive him, so I stay away from him like a 10 foot pole. I stay because of the kids. 

In fall last year, I have found again some pictures of males and other not so pretty things on his work computer after he lost his temper at me again. I had the gutt feeling that something had happened again while he was away on a business trip becaus of his behaviour when he got back. So, I found the stuff and took pictures of it. I told him later that day to pack up his stuff that we were done. He already had his last warning. Why did I stay all this time you wonder... Anyhow, in the end, after weeks of him begging me to stay with him, that he would go for councilling by himslef, and bla bla bla... I took him back (he never moved out, he just slept in the basement and I pretended he did not exist) under one condition. That he would book some marriage councilling for the two of us, and that he had to understand that I had enough, and it would not be me who would book the meetings, as I needed to know just how much he wanted things to work out. 

He never booked an appointment. I nagged him about it, told him he was breaking his promise. He would keep on saying that he was going to do it. Then, months later this winter, he said to me that he didn't want to book a marriage councilling session because he had read on the internet that it would most likely end up in a divorce anyway. 

So, after telling me this, he tried to ein me back by taking our family on our very first "beach vacation". I tried to work things out. Forgive him. But I can't.

Last week he completely lost it at me again because I asked him not to spend $ on some decorative item he had put his hands on. Lost it at me in the car with one of our child in there. I am not proud of it, but I told him in front of our child that he was acting F****** crazy. He diserved it, but the swear word was not necessary, especially in front of our child. 

When I got back form work that day, he kept on going on and on, yelling at me, calling me names. He said that from now on he would call me F****** C***. Repeated it over 20 times. 
The kids were not in the house at this time.
When our daughter came in the house she sat beside me, and he kept on going on and on, yelling at me (all this because of 30$ I am trying to save). He said that I was the most stupid person he had ever met (more than 20 times) in fron of our daughter. She started to cry. I had to leave because my words were not going to be nice. In 13 years, I have left the house only 3 times when he was yelling at me. I always stayed behind to make sure the kids knew I was there all the time for them. But this time, I had enough.

I went for a drive and dinner by myself. I came back around 9pm. I have made no efforts to initiate a conversation with him. I am reading on divorce. I have made an appointment at the bank to discuss my finance. I have no made any changes yet. I can't.
We own a lot of things but under credit. The house, we lost all the equity on it, and owe the same amount as it is valued at. He apologizes, says he was in a bad mood and that calling me names like these was not nice, but that I had provoked him by saying he was F****** Crazy. It was my fault.

I am so tired of this. I want to be happy. Does it hurt me to think about the fact we can divorce? Yes. Does it make me happy to think about the relief of not being with him after a divorce? Yes.

My problem is that I have no where to go. I can't leave. We have not enough money for me to leave the house. I am not a person who wishes to "wash" her husband, and take everything away from him. We have kids and I want the best for them. I personally cannot afford the house by myself, so I am willing to leave it to him, but how do I go about to get a portion of the house if/when he sells it down the road if he keeps it to raise the kids? I would not want sole custody, he is a great dad. I would want shared one week on, one week off. 

I don't know what I am expecting from joining this forum. I don't even know if anyone will be brave enough to read this whole post. If you did, and you have some advice to give me, I would be greatful. I am mostly looking into hearing what other people think of my situation. Should I put up with it or go? My heart tells me to go. It's really hard to get some help, I can't tell anyone what he does on the road. I don't want to embarass him, I don't care if he's gay, but he'll have to deal with it himself. So, I have no support at all, because all our friends are common ones. It's very hard to deal with these kinds of problems by myself. I can't even tell my oldst one what her dad does to diserve a divorce. I can't bash him and reduce the opinion she has of her daddy. 

Thanks for reading this if you made it this far.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You need to take the kids and leave IMMEDIATELY.

You are doing them no favor by keeping them in this abusive environment. Your husband is putting YOUR HEALTH at risk by engaging in risky sexual behavior that could give YOU HIV/AIDS! Who will take care of your children then?

He is NOT a good father! How long until your 10yo daughter becomes a F****** C*** in his opinion? What will he call your son?

He is NOT modelling the proper behavior for your son. Do you want your son to believe this is the way a MAN acts? Would you want him to treat his wife this way? You are not modelling proper behavior for your daughter. Do you want your daughter to believe that accepting this behavior is the proper way for a woman/wife to act? Would you want her to be in a marriage like yours? 

If this is the ONLY marriage your children see, they will think that this behavior is 'normal'. It is what they will expect and accept in their OWN adult relationships!

You need to get some advice on HOW to get out of this relationship and how to protect your rights during the divorce. Try the following places:

* Programs for abused women (resources on housing, job training, financial aid, counseling)
* Legal Aid - listed in the yellow pages (free or low-cost advice on separation/divorce in your state)
* Church (if you belong to one, seek help here; if you don't belong to a church, seek help from one anyway...ask a friend whose opinions you respect where s/he goes to church)

BE HONEST, TOTALLY HONEST with the people from whom you seek help. Your confidentiality is assured and they can help you best WHEN you're giving them ALL the pertinent information. Quit being so worried about your husband's reputation! He doesn't worry about your health when he engages in sexual acts with anonymous prostitutes who've been doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who!

The abuse will continue. When your children become older and disappoint him by NOT acting the way HE perceives they should, they will become the next targets of his verbal/emotional abuse. Make NO MISTAKE about that! He wants to 'control' everyone in your household.

See if your family can/will help you get away from him. If you have a parent/sibling with whom you are REALLY close, tell them the truth...about EVERYTHING. Again, your husband's reputation is the least of your worries. If he can DO it, he should be able to ADMIT it! 

I would recommend you take the kids back to where your family is. As a single parent, you will need support to help raise your children. Your family can be the emotional support you all need to heal and become happier and healthier.

Good luck and continue to poke around here at TAM. You will find NUMEROUS stories like your own...with plenty of good advice given to THOSE posters that you will also find applicable to your own situation.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Do you want your son and daughter to grow up thinking your behavior and that of your husband's is they way they should behave in their adult relationships?

It isn't going to get better. You need to get out. 

He is NOT a great dad if he sets an example of treating women this way.

You need to see a counselor to figure out why you are willing to be treated this way and stay in such a trainwreck of a relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

April,

You do not mention if your husband works. I assume he does. What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

You say that you will leave? Why would you do this? Are you thinking of leaving your children with your husband? That's what it sounds like. Why would you do this?

If you file for divorce you would be child support. You might also get spousal support ... during the time of divorce and after maybe. 

Could y ou afford the house if you get child support?

Your husband is not a good father if he yells at you as you describe in front of your children. He's abuse even to your children. Don't you think that you daughter was upset and freightened by his yelling at you like he did? 

Please to seek help at a center for abused spouses, so see an attorney to find out your legal and financial rights. And file for divorce... get away from this man.


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## April2012 (Apr 27, 2012)

Thank you for taking some time to reply to my story. Not a fun situation that I am in for sure. To answer a few of the questions...
No, I do not plan on leaving without my children. We have a very good income both of us, but he make a lot more than me, and I have a pretty nice salary.
I agree that he is not a good father with his outbursts of anger infront of the kids. It is absolutely a horrible way to treat people, especially your own kids and wife. 
He's been begging me to go to MC, and I told him I would go, but only for my own peace of mind. To know that I have done everything I could before calling it quits. I know he won't change. It's impossible to be so horrible and change for the best for ever. The thing is, I won't put up with another outburst. I just am not willing to do this. We've had a lot of conversations in the past week and a half about how he is, and how it's his fault and blah blah... You get the picture. He's sorry. I don't think so. If he ws sorry, it would have stopped 13 years ago when he first started to treat me like this.
So we had our first MC meeting this week and quite frankly, he behaved super good. Almost as if there are no problems. He let me talk, and told his side of the story, but made it look like if he's control of everything, and that really, aside from his temper, there isn't much else he could change. I left there and I wanted to puke. I feel absolutely nothing towards him anymore. I think I have answered all the little voices in my head that say "Just try, are you sure this is what you want? (to leave him)". I think I know what to do, I just need the nerve to do it. And quite frankly, I think I can afford the house if he pays me child support. But, I doubt he'll want to leave his name on the mortgage and it's quite large so I don't think I can qualify at the bank with just my name on it. So in the end, it's just the material part of things that I don't know how to handle... 
I think my mind is made. I have to leave (with the kids, don't worry...)


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

April, your husband's an abuser. An abuser can be really, really good at looking "normal" in front of outsiders. That's why (at least to you) he looked good during MC. But he yells and screams. He calls you obscene names. He overreacts to your attempts to be financially sound. These are all hallmarks of an abuser.

The choice to get out is the right one. You and your kids deserve a safe, stable home. Best of luck to you during this process.

P.S. If you haven't already, _please_ get yourself tested. There's no telling what his risky behavior might have brought home.


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