# Can I save my marriage



## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

My wife and I have been separated for about 2 months now. Last week seemed like she was done and wrote me a long email about when she wanted to come get her stuff. Well I met with her yesterday to tell her i understand everything now. It hit me all at once.. I couldn't blame her for wanting out. I also have told her we should at least try counseling together and see where it goes.... she agreed and said this
 "Yes because no matter what happens with us I want each of us to grow and improve ourselves. I feel like our individual counseling helps but I also feel like marriage counseling will too. Like I've said before, I dont what our future holds but I'm willing to do what I can to make sure we are happy."
Is there anything I can do to make things better since she is living with her mom? Or just see what happens?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM.

We would love to help you, but we are going to need more information. 

Such as-

Why are you separated? 
How old are each of you? 
How long have you been married? 
Do you have children? 
What problems have you faced and what have you done to solve them?

The more info you give, the better responses you will get honey. We have some amazing people here!


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## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

I say see how it goes first. I mean if after being alone or living without you, she misses you or feel like she still wants you in her life, then she probably will go back to you. And your time with marriage counselling make it worthwhile also so that she will see you as the man that she loved


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Thenewme2018 said:


> My wife and I have been separated for about 2 months now. Last week seemed like she was done and wrote me a long email about when she wanted to come get her stuff. Well I met with her yesterday to tell her i understand everything now. It hit me all at once.. I couldn't blame her for wanting out. I also have told her we should at least try counseling together and see where it goes.... she agreed and said this
> "Yes because no matter what happens with us I want each of us to grow and improve ourselves. I feel like our individual counseling helps but I also feel like marriage counseling will too. Like I've said before, I dont what our future holds but I'm willing to do what I can to make sure we are happy."
> Is there anything I can do to make things better since she is living with her mom? Or just see what happens?


Listen, I will not say that it is impossible. Because it is not. To be sure, we would need more info. 

But let me you this, usually when a woman gets to the point of saying she is done, she is done. 

Now if you were clueless and made some bonehead moves, that is usually what it takes for them to get there. 

Just be sure, if you care at this point, that she is not having an affair of any kind. Because is she is or has, she is surely done. Further, you would be a chump to take her back anyway. 

But in general, if they say they are done, that is it.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> 
> We would love to help you, but we are going to need more information.
> 
> ...


We are separated because she assaulted me after an argument got out of hand. She was drunk at the time and ended up going to jail.

I'm 29 and she's 32.

We have been married for 4 years, together 7.

We've had problems such as me being selfish. Whether it was for a job and moving or just anything. It was all about me and she always supported me. I understand now what's wrong.

Our sex life was bad because it seemed like we weren't really attracted emotionally. We are like best friends who used to once be in love.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Geeze man why set yourself up for more punishment. Usually these physical issues only get worse not better. Seems like most you are taking the full blame. Why?


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## AKA Broken Arrow (Feb 19, 2016)

The way she's framing it it sounds more like divorce counseling than marriage counseling. Either way, if you do agree to participate, you both need to know the type of counseling you'll be attending (what end result are we working towards?).

Good luck.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

You are 29 and she is 3 years older. Statistically that isn't good to begin with.
That said you're not a statistic you're a person.
I take it you don't have children.
Anyway she is 32 and would either rather live back at home or on the prowl for a replacement..... 
I'm thinking; don't get your hopes up, and that your whole life is in front of you.
You're a young man. 
What do you do for work? Are you and she from a similar background? Why do you forgive her getting drunk and arrested for assault?
That's pretty extreme behavior, but it may not be extreme to you. Beyond any relationships with your wife, are you familiar on a personal level with other people who have gotten drunk and assaulted anyone?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If she physically assaulted you, you need to get out. If she has a drinking problem, you need to get out. Do not set yourself up for more of this punishment. There are millions of women out there who will not abuse you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Technically, all you have to do to "save" your marriage is never get a divorce. 

That doesn't mean that the marriage will be at all healthy and happy and functional. 

The way I see it, she is a hypercritical drunk that gets physically abusive and considers you 'selfish' when you get a job. And you two aren't attracted to each other and do not have a good sex life. 

Gee, where can I sign up for something like that?

The real question here is not can you save your marriage. The real question is should you even consider it or should you just put it out of it's misery as efficiently as possible.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I know this will sound rather high school, but when my wife and I were split up, 30 years ago, I dated her. We went for coffee a lot. We rebuilt the relationship by being in a public place, and not able to raise our voices, or even be really animated. It calmed us down, and we worked through a ton of issues right then and there. It hurt both of us, but we were able to take things to the next level. We went to MC and I started IC. Dating helped. I saw the damage that I had inflicted, and she saw what she had done as well. Turns out we both had not grown up as much as we had thought, I was still an angry child and she had mommy issues. We worked it out over six months of separation. We are now married over 40 years.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

Rgaines said:


> You are 29 and she is 3 years older. Statistically that isn't good to begin with.
> That said you're not a statistic you're a person.
> I take it you don't have children.
> Anyway she is 32 and would either rather live back at home or on the prowl for a replacement.....
> ...


Told I told her I didnt think divorce was the answer and separation is causing the gap to widen. I also said I dont think I could take seeing her with someone else without losing it.
Her response was "Its just a very confusing situation to me"


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Thenewme2018 said:


> Told I told her I didnt think divorce was the answer and separation is causing the gap to widen. I also said I dont think I could take seeing her with someone else without losing it.
> Her response was "Its just a very confusing situation to me"


This woman assaulted you while drunk and was arrested.You say she went to jail,can we assume it was just overnight or was it longer?
Either way she has you apologizing to her. What’s all that about?
You say you moved for work, did she have to give up a career or has she got you rewriting your life story just to try and win her back?
You need to either provide a lot more information about whatever behavior of yours pushed her to assault you or if this is a regular occurrence in your marriage you need individual counseling to find out why you put up with this.
Either way she has you running in circles and her being confused is probably because you actually did something about her toxic behavior rather than just accept it.


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## Thenewme2018 (Jun 21, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Thenewme2018 said:
> 
> 
> > Told I told her I didnt think divorce was the answer and separation is causing the gap to widen. I also said I dont think I could take seeing her with someone else without losing it.
> ...


Well I wasn't the best person. Sure I used to stay out and drink. She would do most things around the house etc. I know there is never an excuse to assault someone but I think she had enough of me and alcohol was involved. Yes, you're right. She has me begging for her to come back and feel all the guilt.


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