# Love and connection not going away, but neither are the destructive behaviors



## Ginevra

My ex husband and I still love each other, or something like that. We are pretty "different" from most other people, and think and feel very similarly about the world around us. We really get each other, are still very attracted to each other, respect each other as parents of the child we have joint custody of... and mild attempts at dating others since the divorce have been pretty disappointing in terms of comparing the chemistry to our old relationship together.

However, he has an overbearing, destructive family he insists I meld with (and I have done more than my fair share of melding but it's never enough), he is a physically abusive alcoholic, and has an ex with whom he never had real closure and who doesn't seem interested in staying out of his life despite her own marriage. He has big self-control issues when it comes to anger and getting physical.

I think we realized a long time ago that I have to consider these things non-negotiables, and I moved out. We have tried a couple of reconciliations but it just resulted in me moving too many times and resenting him even more for never doing the things it'd take to change (tell the ex to go the hell away, tell his parents to lay off and defend me more, and stop hitting the bottle and take anger management). Even one or two of those would've made a big difference.

He tells me often how much he loves me and misses us, what we had, and wants me back. But he doesn't get that the critical change is a ball in his court. He's not changing anything. I get it, we're over, but it seems so hard to accept that we can still have such a strong mutual love and just have to let our home, family, everything nice we once had slip voluntarily through our fingers. Neither of us is meeting anyone who comes close to our chemistry. I don't know how to feel or how to move on. I try to move on and be happily single, and/or occasionally meet someone new who just doesn't cut the mustard. What do I do? Should we be friends? Nothing at all? I successfully moved on and have had long periods of not thinking about him at all, but he recently has been coming on strong and I stupidly listened. Not sure if I love him soooo much, or am just having a really hard time replacing the good we had with each other. I am contemplating just being alone and it's ok for the short term but definitely not for the long term.


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## aine

Ginevra said:


> My ex husband and I still love each other, or something like that. We are pretty "different" from most other people, and think and feel very similarly about the world around us. We really get each other, are still very attracted to each other, respect each other as parents of the child we have joint custody of... and mild attempts at dating others since the divorce have been pretty disappointing in terms of comparing the chemistry to our old relationship together.
> 
> However, he has an overbearing, destructive family he insists I meld with (and I have done more than my fair share of melding but it's never enough), he is a physically abusive alcoholic, and has an ex with whom he never had real closure and who doesn't seem interested in staying out of his life despite her own marriage. He has big self-control issues when it comes to anger and getting physical.
> 
> I think we realized a long time ago that I have to consider these things non-negotiables, and I moved out. We have tried a couple of reconciliations but it just resulted in me moving too many times and resenting him even more for never doing the things it'd take to change (tell the ex to go the hell away, tell his parents to lay off and defend me more, and stop hitting the bottle and take anger management). Even one or two of those would've made a big difference.
> 
> He tells me often how much he loves me and misses us, what we had, and wants me back. But he doesn't get that the critical change is a ball in his court. He's not changing anything. I get it, we're over, but it seems so hard to accept that we can still have such a strong mutual love and just have to let our home, family, everything nice we once had slip voluntarily through our fingers. Neither of us is meeting anyone who comes close to our chemistry. I don't know how to feel or how to move on. I try to move on and be happily single, and/or occasionally meet someone new who just doesn't cut the mustard. What do I do? Should we be friends? Nothing at all? I successfully moved on and have had long periods of not thinking about him at all, but he recently has been coming on strong and I stupidly listened. Not sure if I love him soooo much, or am just having a really hard time replacing the good we had with each other. I am contemplating just being alone and it's ok for the short term but definitely not for the long term.


Your words " he is a physically abusive alcoholic' . You left for a reason! Forget the fairy tale, you have managed to move on. If he hasn't given up the alcohol, changed himself, then you are asking for trouble. 
Now why would you do that to yourself, for a bit of chemistry? This sound absurd and I hope you have some solid friends who will talk you out of this line of thinking. You 'escaped' do not get pulled in again, alcoholics are good at being charming, don't fall for it, remember you will NEVER be his first love!


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## zillard

1. Can an addict, fully aware of their own addiction, honestly promise to never again touch their drug of choice and follow through? Relapses do happen in most cases.

2. Do you think alcohol is the root of anger management problems, or a shortcut to outbursts? If it truly was never used/abused again, would the anger management issues still surface?

I do not see "abusive alcoholic" as one problem, but rather two separate issues.


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## Ginevra

What can I say? You guys are right. Alone sucks but it's better than miserable in a repeating cycle. "Time is a flat circle," and all that. Sigh.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Ginevra said:


> My ex husband and I still love each other, or something like that. We are pretty "different" from most other people, and think and feel very similarly about the world around us. We really get each other, are still very attracted to each other, respect each other as parents of the child we have joint custody of... and mild attempts at dating others since the divorce have been pretty disappointing in terms of comparing the chemistry to our old relationship together.
> 
> However, he has an overbearing, destructive family he insists I meld with (and I have done more than my fair share of melding but it's never enough), he is a physically abusive alcoholic, and has an ex with whom he never had real closure and who doesn't seem interested in staying out of his life despite her own marriage. He has big self-control issues when it comes to anger and getting physical.
> 
> I think we realized a long time ago that I have to consider these things non-negotiables, and I moved out. We have tried a couple of reconciliations but it just resulted in me moving too many times and resenting him even more for never doing the things it'd take to change (tell the ex to go the hell away, tell his parents to lay off and defend me more, and stop hitting the bottle and take anger management). Even one or two of those would've made a big difference.
> 
> He tells me often how much he loves me and misses us, what we had, and wants me back. But he doesn't get that the critical change is a ball in his court. He's not changing anything. I get it, we're over, but it seems so hard to accept that we can still have such a strong mutual love and just have to let our home, family, everything nice we once had slip voluntarily through our fingers. Neither of us is meeting anyone who comes close to our chemistry. I don't know how to feel or how to move on. I try to move on and be happily single, and/or occasionally meet someone new who just doesn't cut the mustard. What do I do? Should we be friends? Nothing at all? I successfully moved on and have had long periods of not thinking about him at all, but he recently has been coming on strong and I stupidly listened. Not sure if I love him soooo much, or am just having a really hard time replacing the good we had with each other. I am contemplating just being alone and it's ok for the short term but definitely not for the long term.


I know exactly what you are going through, first hand, in terms of the emotions you still feel for your husband.

It is better to love him from afar, and miss him, than to let him back in to your life. He is a physically abusive alcoholic. You got away. So stay away, for your sake and your child's sake.

The divorce happened for a reason. Remind yourself of them. None of them have been addressed or rectified, as you yourself stated.


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## Cynthia

You are too close to him emotionally. You cannot start a new relationship if you are still in love with him. With joint custody, it makes it difficult, but you will have to detach from him if you want to move on. No more being friends until you have gone through the detachment process and truly made peace with ending your romance.


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