# No longer attractive to my husband, do I need a divorce?



## Bella2012 (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm a 23 yr old female, I have known my husband for 3 years and 2 months, we started dated almost immediately after meeting. Within a month of dating i moved in with him and his roommate. About a yr later his roommate got married so we had to move in with my parents. My parents love him. We lived with my parents for about a yr and we moved into a rent house and months later got married. Had a traditional wedding. So we are coming up on our one yr anniversary here in may. When we first met I wanted to be with him 24/7, if i wasnt with him i was constantly texting him, and we had sex all the time, several times a day, which simmered down to several times a week. He would do little favors for me like just stop and buy me a gift, bring me flowers, rent my favorite movie...just to show he loved me. A few months before the wedding the sexual attraction i had for him dissapeared. What i mean is, i would constantly turn him down, and i never wanted sex from him, i would sometimes force myself to have sex with him, just so i could keep him happy. Now he has never told me that he was unhappy with our sexual relationship, i guess its just in the back of my mind i am sure he is so i start to worry. I put the reason off as that since we lived with my parents, i just felt weird in their house. So i figured once we got married and lived on our own it would change. Well once we got married and moved into our own house, nothing changed. I find myself still not attracted to him sexually, but i still sometimes inniate things so he will think i am still somewhat attacted. It boils down to having sex once ever 2 months or so. Now we have several friends, and we go to partys and do all kinds of things with our friends. He still does the little favors that shows me that he loves me.I have found myself enjoying myself more when i am with either just my friends...without him around, or when we are together with our friends. I guess it gives me something to keep my attention on?? Our friends are mainly all single except for a couple of married ones. I have found myself not caring what he does on his own, or who he is with, or what him and our guys friends go do. Some of my female friends have even said something to me about how trusting I am of him and frankly, its because I just dont care.....I dont know if its because i dont care if he was to cheat or leave me...or if i trust him enough to know he wont. My female friends have even pointed out when he flirts with other female friends of ours...and asked me why dont i say something to him, and its the same thing...i could care less. Is it because i dont give a dang if he cheats on me, or is it because i know he wont? I have also found that when he are at partys or hanging out with our friends that we tend to go our separate ways and if we come across each other at the party we may kiss for a split second or just smiled at each other, but i normally pall around with my female friends and not even care to keep up with what he is doing. I have also found that he can get on my nerves extremely easily now, which can cause me to get angry ...but the anger immediately disolves to the point where i feel...why bother....who cares.... An example is when he has a bad day at work and comes home in a grumpy mood. One of our dogs can lick him in the face and he will slap the dog away, and ill say something to him like " whats wrong with you, or have a bad day at work?" and if he begins to talk about how someone got on his nerves at work..i tend to listen long enough to comment back...but i wind up just leaving him alone....just dont care to bug him. We have just recently had our first "real fight." Which consisted of me screaming and hollaring, throwing things at him...i basically just exploded on him. I cant even remember what about. Now dont get me wrong, of course we have had arguements in the past just nothing like this. He barely even raised his voice at me, he was the only one who was thinking correctly. In this fight i told him i wanted a divorce and that i wanted him to leave, he civilly talked me out of it. My husband is a wonderful man, who has never raised his voice at me, supports me wonderfully, and loves me dearly. I just feel like i am robbing him of a woman who can treat him correctly. Since i no longer feel sexually attracted to him at all, to the point where i dont even want him to touch me at times and i get mad about the smallest things. But then there are days when all i wanna do is hit a road trip with just him and our animals...spend the day together....or just watch a movie....or cook supper and sit and talk at the dinner table...Im wondering if our marriage can be saved. Now since that fight..i fantasize about being single again..about not having to worry about him coming home in bad moods, or worrying about cleaning up after him. Because sometimes i feel like he is a depressing factor in my life. Being able to spend time with my girl friends all the time, going to concerts and bars. I have been feeling this for at least 3 months now...but here is the cherry on top....a few weeks ago i met one of his friends that he used to party with and pall around with when he was single.. We will call his friend Joe. I met joe at a dirt track race and he was with one of our friends...joe just happened to move back into town. Now i have heard about joe but never actually met him. When i first saw joe he is gorgeous...to the point where i got butterflies in my stomach again...like i did when i first met my husband...but knowing that my husband was there...i wouldnt talk to joe..barely even look at him. Well joe came into my work a week later (i work in a clothing store), he didnt know i worked there, and i helped him pick out a shirt and i reminded him of who i was, we talked and joked for thirty minutes or so. He invited me and my husband to a concert...so we winded up going with our friends, just so happens the concert was one of my favorite bands. Well joe hung around us all night and i caught myself flirting and joking, dancing and playing pool with him. Now remember my husband always wonders off at parties...so i know he never caught on. Well i started to realize that i couldnt have joe cuz i was married....and kinda got depressed and simmered down some. When joe and i were dancing together (country dancing with the permission of my husband) he asked me what was wrong...and i flat out told him i felt like i was falling out of love with my husband and didnt know what to do. His response was that it happens...and he began to tell me about the problems him and his current wife had...and why they separated. So he had been through the same thing..and he told me it was hard but he is happy now. We have hung out with joe since this night and i caught myself feeling the butterflies again...but i had to suppress any feelings because i didnt want anyone...not even joe...to know..I even found myself getting jealous if another girl flirts with him. Now Joe is the complete opposite of my husband...Joe is taller...fitter, has longer hair....which has always been what i am normally attracted to....But im married...and i WILL NOT cheat on my husband. .....So since i could feel this way about another man, it let me to think about a divorce....but then i get to thinking that what if i do and its a mistake..and i really do love my husband....i even think about having to move out of our house and in with a roommate..or worse my parents....having to split up our animals.....and it strays me away from it....My husband has never cheated and neither have I, but i just keep thinking " am i wasting my time? or is there still hope?"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The fight, the one where you yelled, screamed and threw things at your husband, that is spousal abuse. You need to look long and hard at yourself so that you never do that again.

Why were you trying to kick your husband out of the place the two of you share? If you do not want to be married to him… then you leave. Legally you cannot kick him out of the marital home and morally it’s pretty tacky for you to kick him out when you are the one who wants out.

I think it could be said that you are ready in an emotional affair. One of the signs of an emotional affair is that the cheating spouse tells the other person (Joe) private things about your marriage You were wrong to tell these things to Joe. You really do not know him… you’ve only just met.

I don’t know if your feelings for your husband can be rebuilt. There people who say that if you once felt love and passion for him you can rebuild it. Take a look at the links for building a passionate marriage below. The links are to books that are meant to help build the passion. 

You need to tell your husband exactly how you feel. You even need to tell him about your feelings for Joe and Joe should never be around you again as long as your married. Your husband deserved to know where he stands. He deserved to make his own decision on whether or not he wants to work on your marriage with you or if he wants to end it now.

If you want to work on your marriage, get the books, tell your husband what you are going through and ask him to read and work on the material in the books with you. 

Give yourself a time limit. If things are not significantly improved in 6 months then divorce would make sense.


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## Bella2012 (Apr 30, 2012)

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## Bella2012 (Apr 30, 2012)

Yes I do not plan on ever having another fight like that one, I do believe the issue with the throwing things is because I don't seem to care enough to bring things to his attention they stay bottle up until it busts out in one big fight. I don't know why I wanted him to leave, ur right If I wanted out why didn't I just leave. And I feel ashamed for the way I feel around Joe, which is why I caught myself at that concert with how I was acting. But I'm kinda in a pickle cuz my husband wants to hang out with Joe a lot now. I will do some reading and stuff, so I know if I do wind up gettin a divorce...I gave it my all to make it work. Now i don't know if I can tell my husband about Joe, I wouldn't wanna jepordize their friendship, but I will talk to him about how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bella2012 said:


> Yes I do not plan on ever having another fight like that one, I do believe the issue with the throwing things is because I don't seem to care enough to bring things to his attention they stay bottle up until it busts out in one big fight. I don't know why I wanted him to leave, ur right If I wanted out why didn't I just leave. And I feel ashamed for the way I feel around Joe, which is why I caught myself at that concert with how I was acting. But I'm kinda in a pickle cuz my husband wants to hang out with Joe a lot now. I will do some reading and stuff, so I know if I do wind up gettin a divorce...I gave it my all to make it work. Now i don't know if I can tell my husband about Joe, I wouldn't wanna jepordize their friendship, but I will talk to him about how I feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't want to tell your husband about your feelings for Joe, just make sure that you are never alone with Joe. Don't get into the situation you were in when you were dancing with Joe.. that leads to a lot a bad things.

Your feelings/attraction to joe will die with time. We cannot help the feelings we get. But we have complete control over how we respond to those feelings.


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