# issues with husband over son with special needs



## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

When my husband left, he promised that he would look after my son so that I can finish my college course. Thursdays seem to be a problem for him, he said to me today that he doesn't see why he has to come all this way over to our house just to make sure that our son gets his taxi ok.
hubby has only just recently left me and at the moment he is just thinking of himself and how much money it's costing him everytime he makes a trip over to our house.
Our son is 19 and has high functioning autism and my husband seems to think it's ok to leave our son with a key and trust him to lock up when his taxi turns up.
I think it's too much too soon to give our son this sort of independence. He's never used a key before, I've always been there to take him to the taxi. I will worry when I'm at college whether he has locked the door or not. I suffer from anxiety and this will only make it worse.
I feel I can't talk to my husband about this as he is adamant that I should start making our son more independent. Your thoughts please?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

How old is your son? What state are you in? People and parents of children with special needs qualify for in home services such as respite, day habilitation and more services at free cost. Did you try to find services for your son? I would help.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

sorry i meant it would help


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with, you know your sons limitations. Dads just not wanting to lift a finger. Do check into services although he may be "aged" out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

My son is 19 and I don't know if he qualifies for any services. We live in the UK and when I had an assessment for him, they told me that he didn't meet the criteria. I have asked for him to be re-assessed but as usual no-one has got back to me! Unless you are severely disabled you don't qualify where I live! so frustrating! I can't talk to my husband about this as he's adamant that he'll be ok.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Do you know any taxi drivers you can trust, maybe one that specializes in the elderly or those with disabilities, who can be a "regular" and make sure that the place is locked up...door to door service so to speak, and who can give you a call or a text when pick-up and drop-off is complete? 

I know this might be a stretch in other areas, but where I live, there are some very honest people and it would be relatively easy to find such a ride, through taxi or otherwise.

Going through a service might be a great idea. Look up on-line a place that provides rides to those with disabilities. Whether or not you have to pay for it, who cares, since you are already paying for a taxi.

The situation sounds like you will be monitoring dad monitoring son...why even struggle with that kind of situation...it will drive you nuts while you're trying to pay attention to your class. Is there any way you can take your son with you to the school location and have him picked up from there, or some other public place where you know he is comfortable, such as the library, a favorite cafe...


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

Hi homemaker, thanks for your reply, it gives me food for thought  My son already has a taxi that is provided by the local county council, but they don't always have the same drivers. I could speak to the driver next week and see if something can be done about this. His taxi is paid for by the council as he is not able to get the bus on his own, so I don't have to pay. I should consider some different options rather than rely on hubby, as you've hit the nail right on the head! I do get anxious when I don't hear if my son has arrived at where he needs to be or not. I will look into this and then I can tell my selfish husband not to bother anymore!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lostwithouthim said:


> When my husband left, he promised that he would look after my son so that I can finish my college course. Thursdays seem to be a problem for him, he said to me today that he doesn't see why he has to come all this way over to our house just to make sure that our son gets his taxi ok.
> hubby has only just recently left me and at the moment he is just thinking of himself and how much money it's costing him everytime he makes a trip over to our house.
> Our son is 19 and has high functioning autism and my husband seems to think it's ok to leave our son with a key and trust him to lock up when his taxi turns up.
> I think it's too much too soon to give our son this sort of independence. He's never used a key before, I've always been there to take him to the taxi. I will worry when I'm at college whether he has locked the door or not. I suffer from anxiety and this will only make it worse.
> I feel I can't talk to my husband about this as he is adamant that I should start making our son more independent. Your thoughts please?


By high functioning autism, do you mean aspergers? If he's either one then I understand his social skills difficulty but he should have been able to make it home and lock the door years ago. You're cheating him of pride and self worth. There's a heavy price of guilt if you realize one day that you've held him back from living a confident, happy life. 

Our middle son was diagnosed with aspergers at age five and it did cause problems growing but we avoided the (you can't do it) emotional crutch for his sake. We expected him to do his best and we held him accountable. He works, has a fiance, has friends, you name it. No one would ever know now.


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

My son has high functioning autism and not aspergers. If he had aspergers then this wouldn't be a problem for him. He often loses concentration and will cross the road without looking, he never closes the door behind him and when we walk out of a shop, he will expect me to hold the door open for him instead of taking it from me. I know that one day he will become more independent, but as a mum I know his limitations. He does now go into town on his own when he is at college, but he is safe there as it is a pedestrianised shopping centre. Without actually meeting my son you can't really comment on his limitations as autism is a very wide spectrum. I know you think I'm an over protective mum, but as I have depression and anxiety then this situation will only make it worse. It was bad enough leaving him on his own on Monday, not knowing if my husband picked him up or not to take him to his activity. 
Homemaker is right, I cannot rely on my husband at the moment. I am still hoping that one day my husband will wake up to the realisation of how he's been treating me and my son. My husband has always been the overprotective one, so if anyone is to blame it is him. It's all too much too soon!
I have just sent our local voluntary organisation an email to ask if they can provide someone to come and look after my son whilst I'm at college or to send me to somewhere else if they can't.
Fingers crossed that they will be able to come up with something


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lostwithouthim said:


> *Without actually meeting my son you can't really comment on his limitations as autism is a very wide spectrum.*.


No doubt none of us can really know but at the same time our opinions are likely more objective. If theirs anything to overwelm other emotions including logic sometimes (maybe not this time) it would be a mother's love for her child.



lostwithouthim said:


> I know you think I'm an over protective mum, but as I have depression and anxiety then this situation will only make it worse.


I think it's important for us all to remember who we're talking about. It's not you or your anxiety. It's your son and his development. At least we should remember those two issues are not related. Sorry for you anxiety by the way. Being a parent is a life long job of worry no matter how you cut it.



lostwithouthim said:


> Homemaker is right, I cannot rely on my husband at the moment. I am still hoping that one day my husband will wake up to the realisation of how he's been treating me and my son. My husband has always been the overprotective one, so if anyone is to blame it is him. It's all too much too soon!


You may be right that your husband is being driven by selfish reasons but a broken clock is right twice daily. Like you said though, we aren't there. My feeling is that it's too easy to overprotect our children and harm them in the process and yea I think you're doing that so I hope you at least think about it objectively and decide if many of your actions are for him or if they are to keep your anxiety and fear under control.


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

Thundarr will you please back off! I may be an overprotective mum, in your opinion, but even if I let him have his own key it's not just going to happen in 6 days! I noticed that you are male and that says it all really. You are thinking logically, whereas I am thinking emotionally. If you ever want a good book to read, I suggest you pick up "men are from mars, women are from venus". It explains the differences between men and women and how we can understand the opposite sex. I'm going to have a word with my counsellor as well today to see if she can suggest something. She'll probably tell me to keep away from negative comments for starters. No two asd/aspergers are the same and you can't compare my son to yours. He is starting to become more independent, but it will take time. You can't rush my son into anything as he has to have a routine and can't cope with change. He'll be starting travel training next week, so surely that is a step in the right direction. You can't rush these things you know! Please don't upset me any further by going on at me, you don't know what it's like to have depression or anxiety, it's horrible!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lostwithouthim said:


> Thundarr will you please back off! I may be an overprotective mum, in your opinion, but even if I let him have his own key it's not just going to happen in 6 days! I noticed that you are male and that says it all really. You are thinking logically, whereas I am thinking emotionally. If you ever want a good book to read, I suggest you pick up "men are from mars, women are from venus". It explains the differences between men and women and how we can understand the opposite sex. I'm going to have a word with my counsellor as well today to see if she can suggest something. She'll probably tell me to keep away from negative comments for starters. No two asd/aspergers are the same and you can't compare my son to yours. He is starting to become more independent, but it will take time. You can't rush my son into anything as he has to have a routine and can't cope with change. He'll be starting travel training next week, so surely that is a step in the right direction. You can't rush these things you know! Please don't upset me any further by going on at me, you don't know what it's like to have depression or anxiety, it's horrible!


I've stated my opinion because you asked us to and I've done it respectfully and with your son's best interest at heart. I'm sorry it wasn't an opinion you like or that it sounds like something your ex would say but I assure you I'm not him. And yes I have read Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus many years ago.

My wife had major anxiety that started when our kids were getting older and moving out, probably some of the same dynamics you're dealing with now so I'm not indifferent or naive about it. We bought material from Midwest Center for Stress & Anxiety (Lucinda Bassett) that helped a lot plus she was on medication for a while. It's not easy to come to terms with our kids growing up and being afraid they can't handle it. Problem is that's a self fulfilling prophecy. If we treat them like they can't then they believe they can't. We have a job as parents to do what we think is right whether it's scary or not.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

lostwithouthim said:


> Thundarr will you please back off! ... I'm going to have a word with my counsellor as well today to see if she can suggest something. She'll probably tell me to keep away from negative comments for starters. ... ! Please don't upset me any further by going on at me, you don't know what it's like to have depression or anxiety, it's horrible!



Lostwithouthim, if you are only looking for advice that already agrees with your views, then why did you come here seeking opinions?

Thundarr wasn't "going on at you". He wasn't saying anything abusive or outlandish. He was giving you perfectly reasonable advice, which may apply to your situation, it might not. If you don't think the advice applies, then just tell him so and leave it at that. No need to get so defensive.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

My wife runs a child care business from home and over the years she has looked after many children with special needs (ASD, Downs, ADHD etc). 

These children will often come to us with a list of things their parent’s say they “Cannot Do”. It surprises most parents what their child “Can Do” give the right levels of support and guidance.

On a practical level have you looked to see if there is a dial a ride service near you? (As I do not know where you live I have given you a link to the London one)

Dial-a-Ride | Transport for London


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## lostwithouthim (Apr 15, 2013)

That's a good idea wiltshireman  I'll look into that one! I think our local cvs office run a scheme like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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