# Wife cheated 3 times...



## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

I am at a loss here, don't know where else to go. We have been married for almost 3 years, together for almost 6. I found out last year my wife had slept with another woman after 1 year of marriage. I was kinda mad, but also kinda interested.
So fastforward to 2 weeks ago. My wife had been "helping a friend" get to work. Something seems suspicious, so I installed a keylogger on my computer after nearly 3 months of her not being home regularly. Found she had an affair last august. I felt as if I was gonna have a heart attack. We calmly talked about it, and I told her I was willing to forgive her, because I had been really lacking in the affection/sex giving department for a long time now. When I say lacking, we had sex like once every 2 months! It was mostly my fault... But anyway.
She kept staying at her "friends" house, and I felt there was still something suspicious. I waited for the right time, and searched her phone... I WAS RIGHT AGAIN!!! Turns out, she was really falling for this other guy, who was an bastard and cheated on her. I completely lost it, nothing physical, but yelling and swearing... you get the drift. They had been talking for the whole time she had been over there, and had sex many times. Now she is saying she wants to work things out with me, after I brought it up. I do want to work things out, but I cant get rid of these feeling I have of hate and contempt for her.
There are a few more factors in play here: 1. She spent $1500 of MY money on stuff for him, and I have a hard time getting money I need for the week. 2. She may have contracted an STD. And the most important 3. I haven't really seen a true regret from her yet. She says she was sorry, but for me its not enough. 4. The last guy was a complete ahole, and I am nice, very supporting, pay all the bills, not be overshadowing, blah, blah blah. Why Him???

Ugh, I need some help getting over all this. I do want to work things out, but I have to get over all this first. I know i will never forget. Just need a place to talk to someone about this. 

Thanks
J


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you are an idiot if you get back with her


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well, at least you know what you have to do. As to the $1500, I wouldn't count on seeing that money ever again.

And she's out of the house now? Well I hope she is, GL to you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Three strikes and shes OUT.

What exactly do you want to work out with her - how she can hide her cheating more effectively? You do not have a marriage to save.

Get out now.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Well, I dont really consider the first cheating, I mean, I kinda do, but not really. She claims to want to fix our marriage, as do I. I understand I was part of the problem, with no affection/sex, and she had told me many times that it was gonna cause a problem. I just haven't seen what I consider a true showing of regret. I told her things are gonna change, big time, she wants an ahole, ill give her an ahole.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Well, at least you know what you have to do. As to the $1500, I wouldn't count on seeing that money ever again.
> 
> And she's out of the house now? Well I hope she is, GL to you.


She is still there. I know I will not see the money again.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

jsmith1984 said:


> Well, I dont really consider the first cheating, I mean, I kinda do, but not really. She claims to want to fix our marriage, as do I. I understand I was part of the problem, with no affection/sex, and she had told me many times that it was gonna cause a problem. I just haven't seen what I consider a true showing of regret. I told her things are gonna change, big time, she wants an ahole, ill give her an ahole.


She's still at friend's house and probably still screwing around.No remorse,no regret.Some things are broken beyond repair.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

While living in a sexless marriage does take its toll on the higher sex drive spouse (HD), your wife should have filed for divorce before she opted to have sex with others. Now its up to you whether you want to live with an unremorseful cheating wife who will continue having affairs or moving on with your life without her. Your choice.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Question is how many free passes are you willing to give her??


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*And the most important 3. I haven't really seen a true regret from her yet. She says she was sorry, but for me its not enough.*

Why are you surprised??

I mean she knows you always forgive her.
So in her mind,her cheating is probably not a big deal..
Considering she has never sufferd any consequences of her actions..


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The first thing I would say is that right now she is likely using that word "sorry" to mean sorry that she got caught and sorry that it may cost her something...especially that second meaning. 

Soooo....here's what I would suggest:
1. Get to a doctor and get tested for an STD--and she pays for that appointment and any medication.
2. Separate ALL money. Get an account that has your name on it only and have any of your money deposited there. 
3. Stop paying her living expenses. If you're married, split things so that she is responsible for half and is required to financially be contributing, not just taking.
4. Read up on The 180. In a summary, this theory recognizes that what you've been doing isn't working for ya--so do the exact opposite! Do a 180 degree turn and change! You don't have to become a jerk either--just don't be a pushover. Start putting the 180 into action!
5. After you've done all that, if you want to work it out with her I'd recommend setting a time limit in your head (like 2 weeks maybe) and give her that amount of time to observe her. Don't help her. Don't clean up after the mess she's made--let HER do that. Just observe. If she is sincere in her sorrow about what she's done, SHE will make the effort to get herself to a doctor and take care of any potential meds for you and for her. If she is sincere, she will get herself to counseling to find out what it is about her that she cheats...and then she'll do the work to become a better person. If she is sincere, she will make the effort to find out what she'll have to do to repair the marriage and buy books about recovering after an affair, etc. If she is sincere, she'll begin to be honest without you nagging or "reminding" her, and she'll willing allow you to check up on her knowing that HER OWN ACTIONS caused you to view her as untrustworthy! (Yeah you DO have trust issues....with her...because she behaves in an untrustworthy way!) 

If she does all that BY HERSELF...she means it and there may be hope. 

If she does not do all that BY HERSELF...she only means that she's sorry it's going to cost her.


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## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

jsmith1984 said:


> I am at a loss here, don't know where else to go. We have been married for almost 3 years, together for almost 6. I found out last year my wife had slept with another woman after 1 year of marriage. I was kinda mad, but also kinda interested.
> So fastforward to 2 weeks ago. My wife had been "helping a friend" get to work. Something seems suspicious, so I installed a keylogger on my computer after nearly 3 months of her not being home regularly. Found she had an affair last august. I felt as if I was gonna have a heart attack. We calmly talked about it, and I told her I was willing to forgive her, because I had been really lacking in the affection/sex giving department for a long time now. When I say lacking, we had sex like once every 2 months! It was mostly my fault... But anyway.
> She kept staying at her "friends" house, and I felt there was still something suspicious. I waited for the right time, and searched her phone... I WAS RIGHT AGAIN!!! Turns out, she was really falling for this other guy, who was an bastard and cheated on her. I completely lost it, nothing physical, but yelling and swearing... you get the drift. They had been talking for the whole time she had been over there, and had sex many times. Now she is saying she wants to work things out with me, after I brought it up. I do want to work things out, but I cant get rid of these feeling I have of hate and contempt for her.
> There are a few more factors in play here: 1. She spent $1500 of MY money on stuff for him, and I have a hard time getting money I need for the week. 2. She may have contracted an STD. And the most important 3. I haven't really seen a true regret from her yet. She says she was sorry, but for me its not enough. 4. The last guy was a complete ahole, and I am nice, very supporting, pay all the bills, not be overshadowing, blah, blah blah. Why Him???
> ...


That was twice already man. If u give her another chance, she might do it again because she now knows she got u in the palm of her hands. I can be a devil and say beat the dog **** outta the guy just to send her message and still walk away. But at the same time it's not worth ur freedom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

A cuckold:

Overlooks wife cheating. You did
Pays for his wife's lover. You did

Rotten life for any guy. But its your life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Step one tomorrow: cut off all joint credit cards and move 1/2 of any jont accounts into your name only.

Take her off any care insurance.

Change your direct deposit.

Change the locks.

File for divorce. Remember to deduct from her part of the divorce the 1500 plus anything else she has spent on cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

So if three incidents are acceptable to you, are 4? How about 5? 30?

Do you mind if she keeps cheating on you for the rest of your life?

Why would you want to work things out with someone who clearly has no respect for you whatsoever?

You sound like you are a Nice Guy. That is not a good thing. 

I am guessing that you are afraid of the unknown or being alone. I'd take being alone over your situation any day of the week.

I think you might benefit from counseling to see why you are willing to be treated like crap by your wife and pay for the privilege to boot. Being a doormat is no way to go through life.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Three strikes and shes OUT.
> 
> What exactly do you want to work out with her - how she can hide her cheating more effectively? You do not have a marriage to save.
> 
> Get out now.


 My thoughts exactly. However, I'd give some thought to the advice from Affaircare; she's been there and knows how it's done. But from your description of your wife's behavior, I have strong doubts as to her ability to follow through w/ what's required to fix this mess she created.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I am all for reconciliation when possible but in this case I don't think you'll be successful. You'll just be waiting for the next time she cheats... And she will cheat again. And spending YOUR money on HIM?? Ugh. Get out man. Find someone who deserves you.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Does it matter if the person who your wife cheats on you is a woman or a man?

I get that some men are 'interested' in two women having sex but at the end of the day if you take the fantasy out of it, it is still cheating. It doesn't make it any less or not count as much.

Otherwise I agree with what affaircare said.

Best wishes and sorry you are going through this.

Jen


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

I guess it really doesn't matter if it is a guy or girl, cheating is cheating. I want to know if it is possible for us to work things out. I know a lot of this was caused by me, in a roundabout kinda way. I still love her, she has a much higher sex drive than I did. I guess I'm waiting for the breakdown, when she actually realizes what she did. it hasn't exactly happened just yet, or maybe it has and I havent seen it. If nothing works, then I'm out the door.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jsmith1984 said:


> I guess it really doesn't matter if it is a guy or girl, cheating is cheating. I want to know if it is possible for us to work things out. I* know a lot of this was caused by me, in a roundabout kinda way.* I still love her, she has a much higher sex drive than I did. I guess I'm waiting for the breakdown, when she actually realizes what she did. it hasn't exactly happened just yet, or maybe it has and I havent seen it. If nothing works, then I'm out the door.


No J. It was *not* "caused" by you!

Get that through your skull. You may have been responsible for 50% of the problems in the marriage, but your wife's serial cheating is 100% hers to own.

Don't you dare blame yourself for her wh0redom, or I swear I'll reach through this internet connection and smack you upside your head with a digital 2x4!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

jsmith1984 said:


> I guess it really doesn't matter if it is a guy or girl, cheating is cheating. I want to know if it is possible for us to work things out. I know a lot of this was caused by me, in a roundabout kinda way.* I still love her, she has a much higher sex drive than I did. *I guess I'm waiting for the breakdown, when she actually realizes what she did. it hasn't exactly happened just yet, or maybe it has and I havent seen it. If nothing works, then I'm out the door.


That's why they make B.O.B. (buddy on batteries). Are you listening to the excuses you are making for her?


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

jsmith1984 said:


> I guess it really doesn't matter if it is a guy or girl, cheating is cheating. I want to know if it is possible for us to work things out. I know a lot of this was caused by me, in a roundabout kinda way. I still love her, she has a much higher sex drive than I did. I guess I'm waiting for the breakdown, when she actually realizes what she did. it hasn't exactly happened just yet, or maybe it has and I havent seen it. If nothing works, then I'm out the door.


Why were you not having sex with her? You apparently had issues with her before this? What was the disconnect?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

DailyGrind said:


> Why were you not having sex with her? You apparently had issues with her before this? What was the disconnect?


Um, she was a sl*t and he wasn't.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

BTW she is back home with me, after I found out about the first guy she came home and stayed. It was about 10 days later I found out about the second. I know I am making excuses, but I am trying to make myself feel better I guess.

I don't know why we weren't having sex. I had no sex drive. It was so bad, and I don't know why. I still found her attractive, but just didn't want to have sex. After performing I would actually tell myself "well, dont have to do that again for another month" I know that sounds bad, but I don't know why I thought that. I'm wondering if I have low testosterone. I need to get tested, along with a STD test. I am the only one working, so all the money coming in and out is from me working. She is in school. 

After I found out about the first guy, and confronted her, she broke down, and broke down the day before I found out about the second guy. She kept saying she was sorry for hurting me. I asked her who she want to be with, she told me that after I found out about the first guy, she realized that I was what she wanted.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's home because the OM only want to use her for sex and your money, they don't want her full time.

You've cut off the money hopefully, so all she has to offer then is sex.

You can do so so mcg better than her.so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

From your post, I expect that you are young. Low T is uncommon in your case, but possible. See your Dr and request an evaluation- including labs to r/o a physiologic cause of the low sex drive. The most common cause of low libido in men is actually depression. The catch 22 is that many meds for depression further suppress the sex drive. There are a few, however, that don't. Be sure your Dr knows that this is a concern for you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jsmith1984 said:


> I don't know why we weren't having sex. I had no sex drive. It was so bad, and I don't know why. I still found her attractive, but just didn't want to have sex. After performing I would actually tell myself "well, dont have to do that again for another month" I know that sounds bad, but I don't know why I thought that. I'm wondering if I have low testosterone.


Matters not why. A good wife would have talked to you about it, expressed concern, been worried about you and would have made the phone call to a doctor for you. Instead, she goes behind your back to get her needs met elsewhere. 

See a pattern here?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Bandit is right.

You really need to split everything and secure your money. If she is in school she needs to find a job too.

You both need professional help.

And you both get tested for std's. If your wife is flipping between multiple sex partners of both sexes I think you have bigger problems than you think my man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

j-
it is my experience that now is the time to start showing your WW the indifference that she diserves. My point here is you will get sucked into all this blame shifting and once she sees she has your number, nothing will be gained.

My experience tell me that until she is scared sh!ttless in losing you then nothing will change. I'm talking preventive maintenence here.

She back home and if she wants it to stay that way then she does the heavy lifting to fix the poor choice *she* made in decieving you...instead of manning up and leave the marriage b/c of the lack of sex.

Dude she took the easy way out and at your cost of emotional pain.

I personaly would have rather lost my wife b/c I was a crappy husband then have her cheat on me....the lying was the worst part for me.

Any way back to point, you must show her how confident you are in moving on with out her. She must have a real perseption that you can leave her, or else she will hurt you again and again.

I get it, you love her, but if she thinks for one second that you aint going any were, she has learned nothing and will continue with this unheathy behavior, and continue to use *you* as an excuse.

I hope you get brother, chick dig and respect guys they can't have or are about to lose. If you don't start turning here s!t upside down and give her some solid consequences she will walk all over you while you continue to apoligize for her choice to sleep around instead of leaving you.

Perception is everything and she must see/feel the new confident man in front of her that will no tolorate her behavior, no matter how bad a husband you were.....hence the new man.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

j-
One more thing, I'm not saying be a jack off, but be fair and firm, with a calmness that she has never seen before that will either make her want to stay or leave...it will always be her choice.

Do not beg for your marraige or else!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her decision to stay with you---is a no brainer---these bums, she sleeps with can't take care of her---so whether she loves you or not---she needs your greenback dollars

You need to put all marital assets in an acct.with your name only on the acct---you need to cancel any credit cards with her name on them

She doesn't need to have money to give to bums

If you stay with her, for whatever reason---there must be accountability for her---for what she has just put you thru----she is not showing much remorse---and what is she doing to actually get back into the mge---If she percieves you as being EASY about what she has done---SHE WILL DO IT AGAIN, knowing you will again do nothing, and you will take her back.

Are there boundaries in place with actionable consequences

Remorse is nothing but statements of regret----what is SHE DOING, to show YOU she wants to stay----and I am not talking about stay, cuz you are her mealticket.

Do not blame yourself AT ALL---for her sexcapades----she could have threatened you with D., or done what was necessary to make you take notice----she didn't

Both of you have work to do, to make the mge., workable---she has even more to do, to prove she is worth even being with


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> you are an idiot if you get back with her


Can't belive OP is contemplating getting back with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

OP should be contemplating if his WW wants to get back with him. You can't force someone or control them, but you can inform them what your boundries are and what the consequences are if they are not respected. Only then will the wayward make the choice and only then can the loyal move on with or with out them.

The reality of it all is there will be a limbo that will either make or break the marriage, and until the *both* of them can commit, it will be a losing battle if only one tries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jsmith1984 said:


> I guess it really doesn't matter if it is a guy or girl, cheating is cheating. I want to know if it is possible for us to work things out. I know a lot of this was caused by me, in a roundabout kinda way. I still love her, she has a much higher sex drive than I did. I guess I'm waiting for the breakdown, when she actually realizes what she did. it hasn't exactly happened just yet, or maybe it has and I havent seen it. If nothing works, then I'm out the door.


Way to be firm and have boundaries.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

something wrong buddy, she screws other guys and girls,blows ur money on then and you still want her back. get a backbone and dump the garbage to the curb, let me guess she sponges off you she has no job!


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

She did try to talk to me about the lack of sex, I guess I did not listen, or try to change. I suppose I took her for granted. That was my mistake. 

When I asked her why with the second guy, she said he gave her attention and affection. 

Ever since I confronted her about the first guy, she completely stopped spending money on the second guy, and came home. I think that shows a little restraint there, although it isn't enough. 

I have not begged for my marriage, I have simply stated how I feel, and asked her what she feels. She states she wants to work it out. I intercepted a message to one of our mutual friends where she told him she doesn't feel she deserves me. That may be true. She has been working some on fixing the problems, she is setting up appts for STD tests and getting me checked out as well.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

67flh said:


> something wrong buddy, she screws other guys and girls,blows ur money on then and you still want her back. get a backbone and dump the garbage to the curb, let me guess she sponges off you she has no job!


:iagree:










jsmith1984, you don't want to be a cuckold do you? She's a serial cheater.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If you stay with her, you should request that she confine her affairs to men of the same race as you. It would be awkward to try to pass off a "grandchild" to your parents that you obviously didn't father.

As for the affairs being your fault, that's ridiculous. I get that you didn't have sex with her enough. That was wrong. It means you weren't the perfect husband. Welcome to the human race. If you had been having sex daily, you still wouldn't have been the perfect husband. Maybe she would have used the fact that you sometimes forget to put the toilet seat down as an excuse for her affairs. I don't know. But your wife was 100% wrong for cheating.

I hope you wake up and get out while you still can. Look at the 180 to emotionally detach from her.
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

jsmith1984 said:


> Well, I dont really consider the first cheating, I mean, I kinda do, but not really. She claims to want to fix our marriage, as do I. I understand I was part of the problem, with no affection/sex, and she had told me many times that it was gonna cause a problem. I just haven't seen what I consider a true showing of regret. I told her things are gonna change, big time, she wants an ahole, ill give her an ahole.


Any pain she causes you from this point forward I would consider self-inflicted.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Folks have said to me on TAM that 50% of the marriage problems before an A are shared between the WS and the BS. The A is 100% your WS's. So I agree with the others that you need to stop blaming yourself for the A, that was all her.

If you want to R and I am pro-marriage and working things out, you need to follow the advice given to you here, the 180, taking charge of your financial accounts, and I would talk to an attorney and look at divorce as an option. 

She needs to write NC letters, have you approve what she writes and send them out to the OMs.

I would also expose the affair to your family, her family, the OM's families, etc, expose, expose, expose.

When your WS shows true remorse then and only then would I start talking about R.

Buddy, you were where I was a few months ago. You world is upside down, sideways, and it is a living he**. Your marriage is over as you knew it and your wife is dead as you once knew her.

Divorce her if she does not quickly start showing remorse or stops the behavior. Do not be a doormat.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jsmith1984 said:


> She did try to talk to me about the lack of sex, I guess I did not listen, or try to change. I suppose I took her for granted. That was my mistake.
> 
> When I asked her why with the second guy, she said he gave her attention and affection.
> 
> ...


I would not call it restraint. As pointed out you are a free ride for her extramarital fun since she cannot support herself. So she is not showing restraint. She has no boundaries.

You are motivated enough to post on this forum yest you are not motivated to have a sexual relationship with her.

So what is it you are looking for in a a marriage? What does she bring to the table? Why be married at all?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

"I am at a loss here, don't know where else to go. We have been married for almost 3 years, together for almost 6. I found out last year my wife had slept with another woman after 1 year of marriage. I was kinda mad, but also kinda interested."

'Kinda interested?' I thnk you've made it too easy for her to cheat. Of course she's going to try and get away with as much as you'll give her.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

There is going to be no more chances. I was more willing to forgive the woman/woman thing, even though it was cheating, it was also a fantasy. If this doesn't work, I am done, throwing in the towel. I don't want to give up just yet, but if things don't turn around quickly, I'm done.
I am in the process of writing my list of "demands" I have, such as opening my own bank account, writing a no contact letter to her partner, etc...


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I would not call it restraint. As pointed out you are a free ride for her extramarital fun since she cannot support herself. So she is not showing restraint. She has no boundaries.
> 
> You are motivated enough to post on this forum yest you are not motivated to have a sexual relationship with her.
> 
> So what is it you are looking for in a a marriage? What does she bring to the table? Why be married at all?


She was supporting herself before I came along. Before all this happened, I would call her a Loving, caring, but needy person. I am motivated now to restore a sexual relationship, because now I see what it can cause.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

jsmith1984 said:


> She was supporting herself before I came along. Before all this happened, I would call her a Loving, caring, but needy person. I am motivated now to restore a sexual relationship, because now I see what it can cause.




Sounds like we're gearing up for a case of hysterical bonding!  Not going to solve the problem. 

Look you've been beating yourself up over this thinking that this was partly your fault. You can take the blame for 50% of the problems in the marriage and she can own up to the other 50%. But, her affairs were 100% on her. Those weren't your fault! They were her choice.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Gtfo!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Run forrest run!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

First time? ... shame on you! 

Second time? ... shame on ME. 

Third time?.... shame on ... er...uh..hmm. :scratchhead:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

*Ever since I confronted her about the first guy, she completely stopped spending money on the second guy, and came home. I think that shows a little restraint there, although it isn't enough. *

What a saint!!! She actually stopped spending your money on her second - whoops - third lover.

You better hold on tight to this girl. She is a rare catch.

:banghead:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

JSMith,

For a couple that has not been married too long your wife is really racking up the mileage and it is not with you.

You really need to weigh your options whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

She really does not seem remorseful. You sound more like a meal ticket and her way to an expense free education.

Think deep and act.

Hell, I would be running away as fast I could before she spent all my money on her playmates.

Hm64


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