# Dhfjdllsofiifhslsldo



## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Advice appreciated.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Garfield1230 said:


> Wife keeps contact with ex from 7 years ago.
> 
> I recently realized that my wife follows a guy she was with for a few months on both Instagram and Facebook.
> 
> ...


Being "married with a kid" doesn't stop one from having emotional or physical affairs, or stop someone from pining away for a past lover. It's not some shield that (on it's own) protects from those sorts of things and she's a fool if she believes it does.

Go through her other friends (male and female) does she like all of their pictures as well? Some people are serial likers/reactors and it really doesn't mean much.

Her "congrats" comment also doesn't mean much on its own. I went to HS with a guy who dreamed of becoming a movie producer. Eventually he made it and he recently posted about his own film that he had been working on for years. I said congrats and that I couldn't wait to watch it. Will I? Probably not, it's just something people say sometimes.

Do you know if she ever went to the restaurant?

Does she have him in her texts, calls, messenger, or DM's?

The pots and pans question, also not much there really. He's knowledgeable in that area and she made it a public post. That's a lot better than them chatting privately.

Is she the type to ask publicly about other advice/suggestions? It may be nothing more than that and tagging whoever she knows to be knowledgeable.

The biggest issue I see right now (based on what has been said) is that she is dismissing your feelings. That doesn't work in a marriage. Even if she's being innocent, or believes she is, she needs to hear you and talk with you about it properly to find a resolution.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So you stole her from him initially? They had dated 3 months and then you asked her out?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I can tell you one thing as a man, this will not sit well with me. I made my boundaries very clear when my wife and I became exclusive. No-exes.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

Who ended the relationship? Sounds like it was brief. You mention his shirtless photos-I interpret that as he's good looking.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don’t see a need to stay in contact with exes unless there’s coparenting involved. In this case, she’s staying in touch just because she wants to and it’s just not necessary or appropriate now that she’s married (to you). You’re not being insecure, she’s being inconsiderate of your feelings.

She should stop following him and reaching out with her comments, tags, etc and respect you over a past bf. If she calls you jealous or dismisses your feelings, don’t ignore that. Your feelings aren’t unreasonable and if she respects you, she’ll want to do things that don’t make you feel uneasy. I hope she stops contact with him and that you don’t accept it to “keep the peace.”


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So you stole her from him initially? They had dated 3 months and then you asked her out?


None of them were in a committed relationship. They were dating different people.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> None of them were in a committed relationship. They were dating different people.


Yeah I’m not sure what their relationship was. It was definitely brief but her and I started talking toward the end of it. I dated others until her and I got more serious and by that point he had moved to the city to pursue a restaurant career.


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## Butforthegrace (Oct 6, 2021)

A lot of people get married nowadays in later 20's or even 30's, after having a single life that involved multiple partners. Many people remain friends or friendly with past partners. It's normal and usually okay. Except when it's not. For example, there is the prior partner with whom your wife had lots of hot sex, but ultimately realized they are not and never will be compatible. In contrast, there is the prior partner who is "the one that got away", the one whom your wife now recalls in an idealized, wistful way, a lingering sense of "what if?". Those kinds of distinctions are ephemeral, but critical. You don't give us any detail. I have an ex in my life with whom I still co-own a duplex property. Our relationship is cordial, even somewhat friendly, but arm's length. I have an ex from high school years who has been one of my best friends forever. She is also a good friend of my wife's. Her kids and our kids are friends. I've gone out for beers with her husband. Our families have socialized many times. It's possible, even normal, to maintain friendships with exes.

I don't know if liking social media posts is a barometer. That depends. Some people are "easy likes" on social media. I'm one. I like almost everything posted by most of my friends. I view it as a modern sort of "g'day" or tip-of-the-hat, a gesture of aloha in this world of diaspora and quarantine and distance and electronic media. Again, those sorts of subtle details matter. Clearly you've found your way here, created an account, and posted. What are the details in your case? If your wife date you and Mr. Chef close in time to one another, but ultimately decided to be exclusive with you, in most cases that ought to give you reassurance that she meant what she said and did. She had you guys literally next to each other and chose you over him. Do you have any reason to think that she now regrets that choice? Is she wise enough to realize that the quotidian reality of cohabiting in a married life brings with it a certain added dimension of the not-pretty aspects of physical life that a married person ought to cherish, not resent?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> None of them were in a committed relationship. They were dating different people.


She had been dating the other guy for 3 months. That was pretty committed. 
He came along and despite her having a boyfriend asked her out. That's not a good basis for a relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This has red flags all over it. It would be different if he was a life long friend with no intimacy. By what you said, she has known him 3 months longer then you.

Do you you post things? If you do, does your wife like all of your post?

Like it was said, being married with a kid doesn’t stop someone from cheating, emotionally or physically.

Is there any communication other then her following her post? 

Has she gone to his restaurant? With or without you?

Have a conversation about all of this. If she deletes her conversations with the guy, she is hiding her affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she is having direct one to one online contact that's more concerning. An occasional 'like' or whatever isn't quite so worrying. 
Do you feel insecure because you took her from him?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Both my wife and I stay in contact (and are good friends with some) with a limited number of exes because they are good people and good friends - *and that's it*. These are all people we dated around the time my wife and I met. A couple of them are just facebook friends now. One of my exes (and her boyfriend, whom I introduced to each other) will be visiting us for awhile later this year. We'll probably visit one of her exes this fall while on a road trip through some western states.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> This has red flags all over it. It would be different if he was a life long friend with no intimacy. By what you said, she has known him 3 months longer then you.
> 
> Do you you post things? If you do, does your wife like all of your post?
> 
> ...


So this is weird because she does like our posts and constantly posts about us and our Son.

I also noticed that he really only likes pictures she posts if it’s of her and I or things like it’s our baby or marriage announcement.

As far as I know she has never been to his restaurant. It seems they opened right before Covid then closed down during the pandemic.

We also share locations on our phones and spend most of our time together outside of work.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> If she is having direct one to one online contact that's more concerning. An occasional 'like' or whatever isn't quite so worrying.
> Do you feel insecure because you took her from him?


Not that I know of. However I would imagine that occurs in private messages which she has likely deleted by now if they existed.

Occasional likes I would be okay with but we are talking every picture on both platforms including ones with his shirt off.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> She had been dating the other guy for 3 months. That was pretty committed.
> He came along and despite her having a boyfriend asked her out. That's not a good basis for a relationship.


No. They were dating as in texting and going out on occasional dates. He left and went to pursue his chef career in August and her and I started to talk in September then I asked her to be my girlfriend in October.

I had no idea this guy existed or that they ever dated until I saw a picture of them together.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Garfield1230 
online emotional affair/flirting 101 ( i seen it with my own eyes turn to physical)
#1 liking every picture of the other person - especially heart emoji
#2 making comments on their posts ( trying to show interest and make her visible to him) 
#3 the other person liking every picture - (flirting back) 

now you you can evaluate the situation this way
1- does she like every pictures for all of her friends/family and your friends
2- does she make an attempt to repost and help her friends and family 
3- does she allow you have an ex girl friend on your facebook?

why the hell would you allow your spouse to follow or add her Ex BF/GF in the first place? dated briefly = means they slept together daily for few years/were in love but didnt work out


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There’s nothing wrong with being friends on social media if both spouses are okay with it. In this case, you’re not. And if you’re an otherwise reasonable person who doesn’t act controlling, this should be a no brainer for your wife to just not reach out anymore. The backstory doesn’t matter much, all that should matter is that your wife sees your angst over it and she wants to be considerate.

My husband and I have mutual friends but I didn’t date them. And I don’t like every post. If I started to like every post of one guy we are friends with, he might wonder. I think for many people, social media creates an entirely new layer of secrecy in relationships, unfortunately.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I wrote about this: *The One That Got Away (TOTGA)*


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

What stuck out to me is she liked a pic of him with his shirt off. 

I certainly wouldn't be ok with this just as I wouldn't expect my wife to be ok with me liking a picture from someone I dated in a bikini.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

It does take a concerted effort to follow and like someone's every move on social media. The $64,000 question is why your wife is religiously following an ex BF/(lover i'm assuming)? Safe Spouses don't bring their former partners and lovers into their lives and into their marriage.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Butforthegrace said:


> A lot of people get married nowadays in later 20's or even 30's, after having a single life that involved multiple partners. Many people remain friends or friendly with past partners. It's normal and usually okay. Except when it's not. For example, there is the prior partner with whom your wife had lots of hot sex, but ultimately realized they are not and never will be compatible. In contrast, there is the prior partner who is "the one that got away", the one whom your wife now recalls in an idealized, wistful way, a lingering sense of "what if?". Those kinds of distinctions are ephemeral, but critical. You don't give us any detail. I have an ex in my life with whom I still co-own a duplex property. Our relationship is cordial, even somewhat friendly, but arm's length. I have an ex from high school years who has been one of my best friends forever. She is also a good friend of my wife's. Her kids and our kids are friends. I've gone out for beers with her husband. Our families have socialized many times. It's possible, even normal, to maintain friendships with exes.
> 
> I don't know if liking social media posts is a barometer. That depends. Some people are "easy likes" on social media. I'm one. I like almost everything posted by most of my friends. I view it as a modern sort of "g'day" or tip-of-the-hat, a gesture of aloha in this world of diaspora and quarantine and distance and electronic media. Again, those sorts of subtle details matter. Clearly you've found your way here, created an account, and posted. What are the details in your case? If your wife date you and Mr. Chef close in time to one another, but ultimately decided to be exclusive with you, in most cases that ought to give you reassurance that she meant what she said and did. She had you guys literally next to each other and chose you over him. Do you have any reason to think that she now regrets that choice? Is she wise enough to realize that the quotidian reality of cohabiting in a married life brings with it a certain added dimension of the not-pretty aspects of physical life that a married person ought to cherish, not resent?


I have never kept in touch with ex’s


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So you stole her from him initially? They had dated 3 months and then you asked her out?


My, my, Diana Dear!

This is a rather bold statement, is not not?.
OP knicked her from her ex bf?

I would think that he wooed her away, she fancied him more than the ex. bf, (referenced here).

I agree, these liking's are a concern.
Especially, since this ex had once been in OP's wife's slip atop, knickers.
They were once a thing, a couple.

That is worrisome.
While their flesh hath parted for seven some years, those memories never leave, postpartum.

From a tiny seed, these affairs arise.

That seed was floating in the air, willy-nilly, for seven long years, before, again planting its roots in OP's wife's, hungrily stirring, and cooking mind.

Aye, this OM was thrown-over for our OP, for being not good enough, back, way-then..

Now, it seems, he has cooked up his ranking.
His _Beef Wellington _looks delicious, shirtless.

This one can_ likely_ be nipped in the bud.
Nipped in the bud before it surges and grows into a sprouting, seedy affair.

I believe, our OP has caught this early enough.

Ah, yea, this could be that 7 year itch, an adverse planetary aspect, arriving, near every succeeding 7 year period.



_King Brian-_


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ABHale said:


> I have never kept in touch with ex’s


In my.mind it does make a difference if they had sex or not. If not, they only went on some dates and her only contact was through public comments and likes on SM I think I might be okay. Might still say something if he gets more attention than all her other SM friends. 

If there were no sex, but she was.messaging him or texting him, absolute no go. If they have been intimate, then absolutely not, no contact in my book.

@Garfield1230 in the end it is how you feel that matters. If you really are bothered by it, tell your wife that you are uncomfortable with all the SM attention she gives an ex BF and you would hope that she would respect your feelings and put them above her need to stay in touch with this ex. She should very easily agree to NC. If this is just a superficial SM only friendship she should drop it no questions asked if she is a loving and understanding spouse. That's my opinion anyway. 

Have you had this issue with anyone else she is friends with, or just this one? Also, how long have you been married?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> A) *The backstory doesn’t matter much, *all that should matter is that your wife sees your angst over it and she wants to be considerate.
> 
> B) I think for many people, social media creates an entirely new layer of secrecy in relationships, unfortunately.


Rethink (A), keeping in mind, they were once an intimate couple, cuddling, coupling.

(B) is true.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How long have you know of his him? Before or after finding out she likes everything of his.

In other words, did your wife keep him a secret from you all of this time?

If so, it is probably an emotional affair. Get the book not just friends and read it with your wife.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I strongly agree with AB’s call for you BOTH to read “Not Just Friends “. There’s something that smells to me of a spouse following an ex so closely for so long. That they dated for only 3 months, gives me the vibe that she feels he’s the one that got away. Blowing him up in her head to be better than she remembered.

Most women are not direct when they pursue a guy. They put themselves in a situation for a guy to make a move and then later claim one thing led to another and it just happened. So I would just do your due diligence and verify if there are any private conversations on her social media and her email/ text.

How is your marriage. Is it affectionately loving with a good sex life? Are you still putting in the effort to be a loving husband. Occasionally buy a gift for no reason, date night, telling her you love her, help with chores and kid, etc? Are you taking care of yourself? (Fitness, clothing, haur, hygiene, etc?).7 years is the time for an itch, so be proactive in still being the man she chose.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

How many other males does she like every picture of? Just trying to get a reference for how she operates on social media.

Because it has been many years, I would not confront her about this _yet_.

I would be more vigilant about doing some research.

Have you checked phone records to see if she talks to him? Any credit card charges from his restaurant.

How far away from you does he live?

If you confront, she will hide any evidence of what may have been going on.

Not saying anything is, but I would want to research alot more before I tipped my hand.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I have never kept in touch with ex’s


Me neither and is a serious crossing of a boundary in my book.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Everything is and should be judged within content and intention. 

take "Me" for example, I have an ex-wife. To me me she's family (like a sister, that's how I see her), so I have no ulterior nor any type of emotional attachment to her other than the way I see her (like a sister).

Knowing the pitfalls of what past relationships can do within the dynamics of a relationship, when I started to date my wife, I told her that I was a divorce man, and that I do have a relationship with my ex, where to me she was family. I explained to my wife, that I was serious about her, but that I was not willing to continue the relationship if she thought that it was going to be a deal breaker to her the fact that my ex, was like family to me. She accepted it because, as she said, I have not giving her any reason (s) to distrust me. 30 years later my ex wife is still like my best friend, is my wife's friend. we visit each other, and stay over (different states). My wife knows for a fact that I wouldn't ever be interested in my ex in any way, shape, or form. She knows extremely well the reasons why my ex is my ex, and that would include any attempt (on the absurd, unreal possibility) coming from my ex towards me. 

I text and talk frequently with my ex. but my wife is always aware, I have not lock or any other form of protection in my phone, my wife can see anything I ever say to anyone. I'm an open book to her, and she knows it. By the same token she's also an open book to me. We have no secrets, we are a team. And most importantly, we know each others boundaries.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Rethink (A), keeping in mind, they were once an intimate couple, cuddling, coupling.
> 
> (B) is true.


Oh, I meant it doesn’t matter how long they went out, etc…

If the OP feels unsettled by their social media interactions, that’s all that should matter. The guy could be a coworker, if she’s spending that much time on following his every post, that sounds odd to me. And as I mentioned, if the OP tries to control everything she does, obviously that’s not healthy but I get the sense that this has been a surprise and it’s been going on a while. I’m of the opinion that if it’s reasonable, you should want to make your spouse feel important enough to not do things that are concerning them.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

To me this is no big deal at all. Why are you so insecure ? Is there something else going on making you suspicious?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

2&out said:


> To me this is no big deal at all. Why are you so insecure ? Is there something else going on making you suspicious?


This normally probably would not have bothered me. However we spoke a little while back about reconnecting in our marriage since having a kid. She told me she would normally run/look elsewhere when things go south but wants to work on us because we are married/have a kid but she is “actively trying not to” run or look elsewhere. We have been doing pretty well spending more time together and going on dates. But the comment about her saying she is trying not to run or look elsewhere shook me a little.

What also shook my confidence shortly after was a text message convo I saw between her and a friend when she left her message app open on our pc. She had just got her hair dyed and was telling me how everyone at work complimented it including one of the doctors. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw her message to her female co worker saying “Dr. Blah blah just complimented me soo hard and now I’m damp!”

I brought the text up but she just tells me it was a poor taste comment and she didn’t mean it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"And now I'm damp"?????

You have MUCH more going on here!!


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

sideways said:


> "And now I'm damp"?????
> 
> You have MUCH more going on here!!


This comment was made about a doctor she works with and not the guy she used to date. Was sent in a private convo to her co worker. Seems all the women in the office fawn over the hot doctor.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Garfield1230 said:


> This comment was made about a doctor she works with and not the guy she used to date. Was sent in a private convo to her co worker. Seems all the women in the office fawn over the hot doctor.


It doesn't matter if the comment was about a different dude. Are you serious? HELLO!!!!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Garfield1230 said:


> This normally probably would not have bothered me. However we spoke a little while back about reconnecting in our marriage since having a kid. She told me she would normally run/look elsewhere when things go south but wants to work on us because we are married/have a kid but she is “actively trying not to” run or look elsewhere. We have been doing pretty well spending more time together and going on dates. But the comment about her saying she is trying not to run or look elsewhere shook me a little.


This makes a difference, maybe.

Was she liking all of his pictures long before this comment and before your relationship started "going south"? Or is it a more recent thing?

Does she have other friends (male and female) that she likes all of their posts as well?



Garfield1230 said:


> What also shook my confidence shortly after was a text message convo I saw between her and a friend when she left her message app open on our pc. She had just got her hair dyed and was telling me how everyone at work complimented it including one of the doctors. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw her message to her female co worker saying “Dr. Blah blah just complimented me soo hard and now I’m damp!”


Yeah, not appropriate.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Garfield1230 said:


> I had no idea this guy existed or that they ever dated until I saw a picture of them together.


This may be key. To what extent did you vet each other regarding prior relationships? Do you feel she outright lied or lied by omission about his existence?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Garfield1230 said:


> This normally probably would not have bothered me. However we spoke a little while back about reconnecting in our marriage since having a kid. She told me she would normally run/look elsewhere when things go south but wants to work on us because we are married/have a kid but she is “actively trying not to” run or look elsewhere. We have been doing pretty well spending more time together and going on dates. But the comment about her saying she is trying not to run or look elsewhere shook me a little.
> 
> What also shook my confidence shortly after was a text message convo I saw between her and a friend when she left her message app open on our pc. She had just got her hair dyed and was telling me how everyone at work complimented it including one of the doctors. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw her message to her female co worker saying “Dr. Blah blah just complimented me soo hard and now I’m damp!”
> 
> I brought the text up but she just tells me it was a poor taste comment and she didn’t mean it.


You may be lucky and she hasn't strayed yet, but you better get your **** together, because it looks to me like she is at a very high risk of cheating. The comment about being damp is SO inappropriate, even if it is just between the "girls". That kind of conversation can send things south in a hurry. Next up would be telling her friend about how Dr Hot has been flirting and her friend encouraging her to reciprocate. And the talk about resisting the urge to run and look elsewhere is a HIGE red flag. That kind of thing shouldn't even be on her mind. You need to get your house in order and work together to set hard boundaries ASAP.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Being "married with a kid" doesn't stop one from having emotional or physical affairs, or stop someone from pining away for a past lover. It's not some shield that (on it's own) protects from those sorts of things and she's a fool if she believes it does.
> 
> Go through her other friends (male and female) does she like all of their pictures as well? Some people are serial likers/reactors and it really doesn't mean much.
> 
> ...


I ran in to something similar - husband had a huge crush on friend from childhood and he has told me quite a few times. We ran in to her at the fireworks show this past summer and he told me all about her. I knew her in passing because we grew up in the same neighborhood but I didn't attend school with them. She messaged him on FB the next day talking 'I would have given you a hug but I didn't want the spouses to get mad, it was nice seeing you'. He told me about it, said that he told her that I'm a pretty awesome wife and would have been understanding. Which yes, I would try to be. We attended her sisters funeral and I finally met her and she is very sweet in nature. He then went on to explain why he was in love with her in highschool, that I'm a lot like her - told him that if he loves her so much then why me. His response - she isn't me. Anyways - he does the same. Always liked her stuff on fb, would send me stuff that she would post because we are similar - we both like stupid funny animal videos. Then on Valentines day, he just really made me mad because he commented on one of her posts about mothers having sagging breasts. He showed me that he did it while he attempted to grab mine. My response - you can't take 2 seconds to acknowledge my nice post for you but you can comment on hers... he says its just fb and we are in real life.

I don't think he has liked anything of hers since because generally, he hears everything that I say.

My take on it - She probably scrolls through FB, sees what he posts and likes it because she's proud? Supportive?

I have an exboyfriend from highschool that I'm friends with and I will like and even heart some of his stuff because he's a good guy and that's that. I still love my husband.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Quite honestly I would ask to talk to her about your relationship. I would sit down at the kitchen table and discuss how she sees the future with you. 

for example I would say something like:
_I love you, am in love with you and desire you as my partner. However a few things lead me to believe you don’t feel the same about me. 

First the comment about the Dr. If you are interested in pursuing a relationship with your Dr then I think you need to figure out if that is what you want. I want you to be happy and not trapped in our marriage. So if he is what you want to run to then I won’t hold you back. Because I cannot be in a marriage with someone who is pining away for another. 
So if pursuing another man is what you want and need right now, you can do that, but not as my wife. 
I need a wife who is passionate about me like I am passionate about her. I need someone who sees me as their one and only. If you cannot do that, then perhaps we are not the ones for each other. 
Another person I notice you communicating with on social media is Chef John. You e liked every picture of him with his shirt off. Apparently you and he must have some unfinished business. If that is the case perhaps you need to figure that out. If that’s true then go ahead but not as my wife. 
You even said yourself that you have to “actively try” to not leave me and find another. That hurt me to my core. 
I love you and only you. But it seems you cannot say the same. So until you figure out who is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, we should probably talk about separation and eventually ending this marriage. 
Because the only thing worse than you pursuing other men would be to have you stay and live a lie that you love and desire me. It would break my heart to not have you here with me and ending our family, but it would be worse to have you here pretending. 
If you truly love me you’ll show me and prove it to me thru your words and actions and make me feel safe in our marriage. Right now I feel anything but safe, like you’re looking out the door wishing you were out there. I’m the one you vowed to love honor and protect. And i feel like you’ve decide that’s something you can no longer do. And that’s an awful feeling to have. _

My recommendation is to be completely honest about this. Say what you need from her and then listen and watch. If she cannot prove this to you then you will have to consider starting to talk to a lawyer.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

These other revelations about her chasing compliments and 'actively trying not to look elsewhere' are very concerning.

There is one thing that I'm seeing for sure here - she is deceptive toward you... there are things that she does or says that she doesn't want you to know about / hear.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> Wife keeps contact with ex from 7 years ago.
> 
> I recently realized that my wife follows a guy she was with for a few months on both Instagram and Facebook.
> 
> ...


She’s been fishing for 7 years bro, let her go catch him. Damn. I’d throw her back in the sea.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I ran in to something similar - husband had a huge crush on friend from childhood and he has told me quite a few times. We ran in to her at the fireworks show this past summer and he told me all about her. I knew her in passing because we grew up in the same neighborhood but I didn't attend school with them. She messaged him on FB the next day talking 'I would have given you a hug but I didn't want the spouses to get mad, it was nice seeing you'. He told me about it, said that he told her that I'm a pretty awesome wife and would have been understanding. Which yes, I would try to be. We attended her sisters funeral and I finally met her and she is very sweet in nature. He then went on to explain why he was in love with her in highschool, that I'm a lot like her - told him that if he loves her so much then why me. His response - she isn't me. Anyways - he does the same. Always liked her stuff on fb, would send me stuff that she would post because we are similar - we both like stupid funny animal videos. Then on Valentines day, he just really made me mad because he commented on one of her posts about mothers having sagging breasts. He showed me that he did it while he attempted to grab mine. My response - you can't take 2 seconds to acknowledge my nice post for you but you can comment on hers... he says its just fb and we are in real life.
> 
> I don't think he has liked anything of hers since because generally, he hears everything that I say.
> 
> ...


I would draw the line at anything that could be misconstrued, by your spouse or the ex or for that matter, most people of the opposite sex. So- no heart emojis. Exceptions would be for friends, not ex’s, going through difficult times and showing you care. But that’s not what this thread is about.

Seriously, in a marriage, it’s not all about me. Appearances do matter. Your spouse needs to trust you. If someone thinks their spouse shouldn’t be bothered by something, they might have entered into the relationship a bit too self-centered. Maybe. It’s shocking how many people get surprised by stuff like this. A lack of understanding of what makes their spouse tick.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Garfield1230 said:


> This normally probably would not have bothered me. However we spoke a little while back about reconnecting in our marriage since having a kid. She told me she would normally run/look elsewhere when things go south but wants to work on us because we are married/have a kid but she is “actively trying not to” run or look elsewhere. We have been doing pretty well spending more time together and going on dates. But the comment about her saying she is trying not to run or look elsewhere shook me a little.
> 
> What also shook my confidence shortly after was a text message convo I saw between her and a friend when she left her message app open on our pc. She had just got her hair dyed and was telling me how everyone at work complimented it including one of the doctors. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw her message to her female co worker saying “Dr. Blah blah just complimented me soo hard and now I’m damp!”
> 
> I brought the text up but she just tells me it was a poor taste comment and she didn’t mean it.


.
You need to set some boundaries in your marriage before it implodes. I don't go through my wife's phone or social media but if I ever found out she was following an ex for 7 years and pulling that crap, she's as good as gone and she knows that. That comment about being damp wouldn't bother me as that was a text to her friend and none of your business; it's no different than two guys talking about some hot chick giving them a boner.


Landofblue said:


> Quite honestly I would ask to talk to her about your relationship. I would sit down at the kitchen table and discuss how she sees the future with you.
> 
> for example I would say something like:
> _I love you, am in love with you and desire you as my partner. However a few things lead me to believe you don’t feel the same about me.
> ...


Whatever you do, DO NOT DO THIS!! A conversation is needed, but not this one.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Whatever you do, DO NOT DO THIS!! A conversation is needed, but not this one.


Obviously I disagree. You want to give advice give your own. I make it a rule to not denigrate the advice of others. The poster here can take all types of inputs and decide what is right for him or her.

Just spitting on the advice of others shows me you are insecure about your own advice and you have to ensure others look bad to prop-up what you are saying. weak. Very weak. 

Garfield. I stand by my advice and hope you will take it under consideration.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Landofblue said:


> Obviously I disagree. You want to give advice give your own. I make it a rule to not denigrate the advice of others. The poster here can take all types of inputs and decide what is right for him or her.
> 
> Just spitting on the advice of others shows me you are insecure about your own advice and you have to ensure others look bad to prop-up what you are saying. weak. Very weak.
> 
> Garfield. I stand by my advice and hope you will take it under consideration.


I think your advice is directionally correct from a functional standpoint, but the overly emotional, supplicating, “I’m here if you want me but you need to choose” approach / tone comes off extremely weak and needy, and will probably erode her attraction / respect for him even further.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Boy Howdy! This is exactly the reason I do not like Facebook. I left all social media 6 plus years ago and do not miss it.

my wife and I have a friend and her husband friended a former high school flame and wound up leaving his wife and daughter for the flame. Hell, he was fifty at the time,too. Now married to the flame.

what I am attempting to convey is take this seriously do not poo poo it and try to explain it away. What your wife is doing is “chasing” this guy.

Blow this **** up!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> I think your advice is directionally correct from a functional standpoint, but the overly emotional, supplicating, “I’m here if you want me but you need to choose” approach / tone comes off extremely weak and needy, and will probably erode her attraction / respect for him even further.


I think it's close but the "I love you so much, I'll love you forever, pick me" needs to be left out.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

bobert said:


> I think it's close but the "I love you so much, I'll love you forever, pick me" needs to be left out.


100%
That’s basically what I was attempting to articulate


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I'm more for the "it's me or him" approach. If she chooses him, hell, I was born alone, I'm a big man, I can look after myself and I deserve better than a fraction of a wife. I either have a wife, or not.

I guess in matters of the heart as far a loyalty is concerned, I see all grey areas as black. In Afrikaans we have a saying:

Sy's of reg of weg!
Edit: Google translate screw that one up:
She's either in with both feet or kicked out would be more apt as a translation.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> I think your advice is directionally correct from a functional standpoint, but the overly emotional, supplicating, “I’m here if you want me but you need to choose” approach / tone comes off extremely weak and needy, and will probably erode her attraction / respect for him even further.


Thanks. The goal is to show that he is ALL IN but not if she’s pining away or even loosely pursuing others. If that’s the case she can do what she want, but NOT as his wife.

Its not telling her she has a choice. It’s showing her that he’s strong enough to let her go and move on if she’s not dedicated to him and only him. It’s honest and no nonsense. If it’s anything negative it’s possibly passive aggressive but that’s ok in my book.

Only thing I maybe would have added is that “I won’t be waiting around for you to figure this out. I’m moving on and when you can finally show me I’m your one true lover, then I’ll consider trying again with you. But I need action not words.”

BTW, thanks for discussing like a human being and not just simply denigrating what I wrote.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

bobert said:


> I think it's close but the "I love you so much, I'll love you forever, pick me" needs to be left out.


Only reason I add it is to model what he needs to hear and see from her. He’s not looking elsewhere, he’s looking right at his one and only for him. Expressng this shows her how hurtful her actions have been and that she’s been hurting the one she vowed and claims to love.

Without saying it she can claim “we’ll it’s not like you’ve been showing me how much you care!” With it she cannot.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Landofblue said:


> Quite honestly I would ask to talk to her about your relationship. I would sit down at the kitchen table and discuss how she sees the future with you.
> 
> for example I would say something like:
> _I love you, am in love with you and desire you as my partner. However a few things lead me to believe you don’t feel the same about me.
> ...


@Garfield1230 the above is very good foundation of a talk you need to have with your wife. Like Dude and Bobart said it needs to be tweaked a bit but is a good way to let her know that you’re not going to be a plan B. 

Her comment to her friend about being damp for one of her coworkers and that she has to actively not want to leave are very troubling. Throw in her almost stalking an ex from 7 years ago and I’m getting a picture of a woman that may not be outright on the prowl but may be giving off the “ Bring me to life” vibe.

Statistically, wives In the medical field, along with teachers, are some of the least faithful women. Now before some nurse or teacher takes offense, I’m not saying all or even most, just that statistically those fields have a lot of WWs. Just like police and sales have a lot of WHs. A wife talking about getting damp for a doctor could be a prime candidate to think she can monkey branch to a doctor. It very likely won’t work but that won’t stop a WW from blowing up her family trying.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> This comment was made about a doctor she works with and not the guy she used to date. Was sent in a private convo to her co worker. Seems all the women in the office fawn over the hot doctor.


Basically making her panties wet...


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

You need to reconsider your marriage.

The things you notice indicate that there is a problem. There may be parts that you don't even notice.

You should have a serious talk with your wife, adding in details that you haven't mentioned here,

You can even offer a polygraph if you have doubts about the relationship.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Garfield1230 said:


> She tells me I shouldn’t compare myself because whatever they had was short lived and we are married with a kid


What a weak and sad answer...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ElOtro said:


> What a weak and sad answer...


And really it is a lie. Even if it has only been through SM communication she has technically been in a relationship with her ex longer than with her husband.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> And really it is a lie. Even if it has only been through SM communication she has technically been in a relationship with her ex longer than with her husband.


You are right, but even if not.
I am saying that what she said, _even if sincere_, is a poor and sad foundation for a relationship of any worth.
Just IMO, of course. But a one enough strong to live by it.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

I would ask my wife why in a straight forward manner what is her deal with liking every post this guy makes and gauge her reaction.

If she gets defensive, hostile calls me insecure etc...I'd know I have a problem on my hands.

If she has respect for your feelings, I would expect her reaction to be concern for them not dismissive, hostile or defensive.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

bobert said:


> The biggest issue I see right now (based on what has been said) is that she is dismissing your feelings. That doesn't work in a marriage. Even if she's being innocent, or believes she is, she needs to hear you and talk with you about it properly to find a resolution.


@Garfield1230 Something's not right here. I would not be happy at all.
@bobert above nailed it, if I was in contact with an ex & my husband was uncomfortable, I'd cut contact immediately. Cos I love and respect him and want to make him feel good, not insecure!
Being friends with an ex is tricky, marriages can and have broken up as seen on TAM.
It's a very grey area, you have only to read the different opinions about it in the comments.


Garfield1230 said:


> However we spoke a little while back about reconnecting in our marriage since having a kid. She told me she would normally run/look elsewhere when things go south but wants to work on us because we are married/have a kid but she is “actively trying not to” run or look elsewhere. . . .


This would really bother me, far more than her Facebook antics. So if you didn't have a kid and were living together & not married yet, would she run/look elsewhere? If I was also told she's "actively trying not to", it would do my head in. She's having to fight off temptation?


Garfield1230 said:


> . . .She had just got her hair dyed and was telling me how everyone at work complimented it including one of the doctors. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw her message to her female co worker saying “Dr. Blah blah just complimented me soo hard and now I’m damp!”
> I brought the text up but she just tells me it was a poor taste comment and she didn’t mean it.


Yes, this could be nothing but is still a bit 'off'. If anything it reflects her headspace atm, i.e. she's maybe somewhat restless in the marriage. And she doesn't seem to consider your feelings at all.
How would she like it if you were doing all the above? Is she normally a flirt around other men? Is the Facebook guy married?
I wouldn't feel comfortable/secure etc. If you don't feel 100% secure with your spouse, it's never a good sign.
I don't mean she's having a PA, maybe a mild EA, hard to tell. Or in some kind of restless pre-EA/PA space, "actively trying not to".

I wouldn't say anything else to her now so she thinks you're fine with it and have gotten over your unease. Act the 'happy hubby'.
Cos she sounds to me like she's going to fob you off if you keep asking. She may get careless if she think's you're OK about it (if she's up to anything).
Then I'd monitor her, in every way I could. Her phonebills, messages on Facebook etc. I don't know enough about all that stuff, VAR her car etc.

I'd want to monitor and verify rather than asking her.

I think @No Longer Lonely Husband is correct i.e. she's chasing the chef. I'm also getting the sense that she takes you for granted, especially with the "actively not trying" comment.
I don't want to sound negative and stir up trouble where there isn't any.
Remember it's just my opinion, taking what you said at face value.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Garfield,

Your W seems to be keeping a harem of alternate men to jump to. 

If I understand what you wrote in the early days of your relationship she did not reveal that she was with OM and you at the same time. 

Does OM have a wife or SO you can speak to, save your evidence so you can show her. Don't threaten or warn your WW or her and OM will get to OMW before you.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

ElOtro said:


> You are right, but even if not.
> I am saying that what she said, _even if sincere_, is a poor and sad foundation for a relationship of any worth.
> Just IMO, of course. But a one enough strong to live by it.


I should elaborate on this slightly…

her response to my concern about this man was more completely “I don’t understand why you’re comparing or concerning yourself with someone I dated 7 years ago. Someone I was with for a quick minute and could care less about. In fact, if he was in the street on fire I don’t think I would pee on him to put him out. Someone I don’t keep in any contact with from my past.”

i then repeated, you don’t keep any contact?

she replied “no! Why would I? I have no reason to. I don’t know why you’re so concerned.”

i mentioned their shared interest and how it makes me feel like they had something special.

she then said “you think that, but I chose you. If I wanted That life I would go for that but I married you and I don’t understand where thisis coming from because I thought we were doing well and working on things.”


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Garfield1230 said:


> I should elaborate on this slightly…
> 
> her response to my concern about this man was more completely “I don’t understand why you’re comparing or concerning yourself with someone I dated 7 years ago. Someone I was with for a quick minute and could care less about. In fact, if he was in the street on fire I don’t think I would pee on him to put him out. Someone I don’t keep in any contact with from my past.”
> 
> ...


That sounds WAY too defensive. My worst enemy could be on fire and I'd probably feel the need to do something about it. 

If she doesn't care about him at all and he could burst into flames in front of her, then why is she liking every single photo he puts out? Did you ask? 

If she doesn't care about him at all then why didn't she immediately have an "oh my gosh! I didn't think about that! I'm so sorry, I'll delete him right now!" attitude? Right now she'd rather keep him on her SM, despite your concerns even though she "doesn't care about him at all".

Fishy.

Also, she really can't say they haven't had any contact when she's liking photos, he's liking hers, she's commenting on his posts, and she's tagging him in posts.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> That sounds WAY too defensive. My worst enemy could be on fire and I'd probably feel the need to do something about it.
> 
> If she doesn't care about him at all and he could burst into flames in front of her, then why is she liking every single photo he puts out? Did you ask?
> 
> ...


Yeah unfortunately I didn’t explain that I saw the likes and just said how I had seen a photo of them from when the dated on her sm. She has thousands of pictures going back over a decade so she didn’t seem to understand my concern and just said if this is your way of asking me to delete that picture I will.”

she then went and deleted the picture and the subject hasn’t come up again.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Garfield1230 said:


> Yeah unfortunately I didn’t explain that I saw the likes and just said how I had seen a photo of them from when the dated on her sm. She has thousands of pictures going back over a decade so she didn’t seem to understand my concern and just said if this is your way of asking me to delete that picture I will.”
> 
> she then went and deleted the picture and the subject hasn’t come up again.


Basically she didn’t understand my concern because all I really brought up was an old picture when what really made me uncomfortable is the seemingly continued interaction at some level.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Then say something about it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Typical responses from cheaters caught cheating:
They’re ugly
They’re fat
They’re not anything like you, you’re far better.
They’re gay
They’re gross……

then you see they’re liking all their pictures, offering to meet to “catch up” and this and that. Just doesn’t match up, what they’re doing and what they’re saying. Does it?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> Basically she didn’t understand my concern because all I really brought up was an old picture when what really made me uncomfortable is the seemingly continued interaction at some level.


Speak up. Tell her what you will or will not stand for. Don't ask her to be "considerate" to your feelings. Tell her she had better cease and desist. Be assertive for a change.

I personally would have told her to quit contact with this ex and laid out consequences for non-compliance. My wife overstepped bounds (emotional affair) and I gave her a choice. No more male friends, no more social media, all her passwords and open devices (and more) or the door. She's still here. If I put my foot down about a couple of things that bothered me earlier, this would never have happened.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Typical responses from cheaters caught cheating:
> They’re ugly
> They’re fat
> They’re not anything like you, you’re far better.
> ...


That’s funny because she actually dry heaved and told me how annoying and what not that doctor was before she knew I saw her text.

got the whole, you’re worried about who?! Yuck, no not a chance. Followed by a physical dry heave.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> That’s funny because she actually dry heaved and told me how annoying and what not that doctor was before she knew I saw her text.
> 
> got the whole, you’re worried about who?! Yuck, no not a chance. Followed by a physical dry heave.


"Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

Those words were written by the Bard for a reason.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> That’s funny because she actually dry heaved and told me how annoying and what not that doctor was before she knew I saw her text.
> 
> got the whole, you’re worried about who?! Yuck, no not a chance. Followed by a physical dry heave.


Yeah, cheaters aren’t really very original in the bs they spout. All that dry heaving AND you know what she’s really thinking????
Her pants are blazing. 5 alarm fire going there


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yeah, cheaters aren’t really very original in the bs they spout. All that dry heaving AND you know what she’s really thinking????
> Her pants are blazing. 5 alarm fire going there


I’m not sure in this case it’s cheating. Wandering eye and defensive of getting caught for sure.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> I’m not sure in this case it’s cheating. Wandering eye and defensive of getting caught for sure.


All cheating starts somewhere, this seems like the seeds may be sprouting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> I’m not sure in this case it’s cheating. Wandering eye and defensive of getting caught for sure.


I hate Jimmy Carter as a president, but as a man he seems like he had good intentions. He admitted once he “cheated in his heart”.

Your wife has at the absolute least been doing that, and as someone already told you, that’s where it begins and if opportunity arises that seed sprouts and it’s no regular seed. It’s a freaking giant magical beanstalk seed from hell.
I don’t know what your wife has done physically, but it’s mentally that carries the worst problem as far as being able to reconcile because once emotions build for someone else, they are mentally destroyed toward the betrayed spouse. 

Let me say this: I and about everyone else that was ever cheated on would raise their hand if asked “when your spouse was cheating, were you in denial until you caught them?”

nobody wants to believe their d as poise is banging another person. Fact is, where there’s smoke…..


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Garfield1230 said:


> I’m not sure in this case it’s cheating. Wandering eye and defensive of getting caught for sure.


She may not be cheating, _yet..._ but she definitely has warning flags that she may cheat if the opportunity came up.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

For someone who doesn’t mean anything, she spends a lot of time following his every pic, update, etc in her newsfeed…so, that doesn’t make sense to me, that he isn’t important. It doesn’t make sense, because it doesn’t make sense. lol

If it’s an occasional pic or update that she “likes,” or comments, I would think you’re overreacting, but it sounds like it is a daily thing for her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Garfield1230 said:


> Yeah unfortunately I didn’t explain that I saw the likes and just said how I had seen a photo of them from when the dated on her sm. She has thousands of pictures going back over a decade so she didn’t seem to understand my concern and just said if this is your way of asking me to delete that picture I will.”
> 
> she then went and deleted the picture and the subject hasn’t come up again.


You need to voice your concerns. @Landofblue wrote up a near perfect way to discuss and actually confront your wife about what is going on. It is way beyond her social media stalking of her ex for 7 years. 

Your the 3rd new poster who has some serious things to confront his wife on and who kept his mouth shut while they suffered silently. One of them finally found his inner warrior and confronted in a strong way. Haven’t heard anything back yet on him. @njdad83 did your wife cut her [email protected] out with the ex ? Update is on your thread. The other, @loblawbobblog still hasn’t confronted and still suffering with what he discovered months ago, which is WAY worse than what you’ve dealing with. Law, confront already, so you can work on the marriage.

Read both of their threads to learn which path works and which leads to further misery. Btw, I don’t think your wife is cheating but she is so ripe for an interloper to get a taste. The right guy with the right words will open her FAST. A wife who’s talking about a coworker’s compliments getting her wet is easy pickings and usually gives off a vibe that those on the prowl will pick up on. So don’t dawdle.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So you now know she's a liar (fake dry heaving to you about a doctor who in truth makes her "damp" (gross)).

Also, how incredibly disrespectful to you, for a married woman to tell a co worker another co worker made her "damp". 

Disrespectful, very poor taste, and she's a liar.

I'm female...if my partner did the same (told a co worker another co worker _made him hard_) and especially after previously telling me she grossed him out, I'd have to face the truth about what kind of person I was married to. 

I'd be thinking real hard that this isn't someone I want to be married to for the rest of my life.

Add in the social media following an ex with likes for YEARS situation and yeah, I'd probably be rethinking the marriage and acting on that.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> So you now know she's a liar (fake dry heaving to you about a doctor who in truth makes her "damp" (gross)).
> 
> Also, how incredibly disrespectful to you, for a married woman to tell a co worker another co worker made her "damp".
> 
> ...


Does it change anything if she has been extremely insecure about me our whole marriage? Constantly nervous girls are eyeing me since I was sort of her trophy when we got together.

Recently I know she’s been struggling with self esteem due to post partum as well as gaining a bit of weight she can’t seem to lose while I’ve gotten into running, lost weight and have been praised even by her as the “better” parent.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> Does it change anything if she has been extremely insecure about me our whole marriage? Constantly nervous girls are eyeing me since I was sort of her trophy when we got together.
> 
> Recently I know she’s been struggling with self esteem due to post partum as well as gaining a bit of weight she can’t seem to lose while I’ve gotten into running, lost weight and have been praised even by her as the “better” parent.


Actually her being insecure increases the chances of her having an affair for validation. Boards like these are filled with tales of woe where the adulterous did it because they felt insecure and fell for the outside validation and ego stroking from a third party.

If anything in this context, it is a shiningly bright, huge red flag.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> Does it change anything if she has been extremely insecure about me our whole marriage? Constantly nervous girls are eyeing me since I was sort of her trophy when we got together.
> 
> Recently I know she’s been struggling with self esteem due to post partum as well as gaining a bit of weight she can’t seem to lose while I’ve gotten into running, lost weight and have been praised even by her as the “better” parent.


Sir, you are in complete and total denial of the obvious.
You are not a cheater, you’re not getting a Hard-on for your coworker…….. so you don’t understand the mind of a cheater.

you could stack greased bb’s, fart fire, leap tall buildings in a singoe Bound abd it wouldn’t make an f to her. Her mind isn’t on you. You’re not the one getting her “damp”.

cheating isn’t about the betrayed spouse, it’s about someone new being liked by someone with zero character.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sir, you are in complete and total denial of the obvious.
> You are not a cheater, you’re not getting a Hard-on for your coworker…….. so you don’t understand the mind of a cheater.
> 
> you could stack greased bb’s, fart fire, leap tall buildings in a singoe Bound abd it wouldn’t make an f to her. Her mind isn’t on you. You’re not the one getting her “damp”.
> ...


Not denying the stink. Just noting that an insecure woman who didn’t feel good probably got jazzed the “hot doctor” all the girls in the office swoon over threw her a compliment.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> Not denying the stink. Just noting that an insecure woman who didn’t feel good probably got jazzed the “hot doctor” all the girls in the office swoon over threw her a compliment.


That's just making excuses for your wife. That text is inexcusable. No married woman who respects her husband would be sending texts like that.

Are you perhaps too soft and have lost her respect for you as a result? Woman do not respect their husbands when they excuse their inexcusable behavior and with the red flags here, without her respect, it's only a matter of time before she steps out.

No sir, time to sit her down tell her she's been disrespectful to you and set some hard boundaries. It's time to assert yourself and earn her respect in the process by being a man not taking this kind of crap from HIS WIFE!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why are you afraid to call your wife out on her disrespectful behavior?
Do you not realize a woman who is doing what she is, is doing everything in her power other than risking rejection by asking him to screw her, to get this guy in the sack?

Your wife has zero fear of losing you in spite of your good qualities. Why is that? Why does she have zero fear of doing you wrong, while you have nothing but fear if standing up for yourself?

These are questions you don’t have to answer obviously, but you might answer them for yourself.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

Garfield1230 said:


> Does it change anything if she has been extremely insecure about me our whole marriage? Constantly nervous girls are eyeing me since I was sort of her trophy when we got together.
> 
> Recently I know she’s been struggling with self esteem due to post partum as well as gaining a bit of weight she can’t seem to lose while I’ve gotten into running, lost weight and have been praised even by her as the “better” parent.


Dude. All these things are serious red flags. Deal with them NOW or you'll end up dealing with infidelity. TRUST ME.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> Does it change anything if she has been extremely insecure about me our whole marriage? Constantly nervous girls are eyeing me since I was sort of her trophy when we got together.
> 
> Recently I know she’s been struggling with self esteem due to post partum as well as gaining a bit of weight she can’t seem to lose while I’ve gotten into running, lost weight and have been praised even by her as the “better” parent.


Why would that change anything?

A woman of good character wouldn't have outright LIED to you by fake gagging about a hot doctor nor made such a totally tasteless comment about her ***** being DAMP FROM HIM to another co worker. 

Post partum weight gain, no matter how a woman feels about it, doesn't create poor character. 

Poor character is poor character, period.

Can't believe you are trying to make excuses for it. 

I'm not even you and I'm super grossed out by the damp comment.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She’s not marriage material, but she’s pretending to be. But she’s doing it poorly.

Her dry heave moment regarding Dr. Blah blah has me thinking she’d be on her back in no time at his request.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

manwithnoname said:


> She’s not marriage material, but she’s pretending to be. But she’s doing it poorly.
> 
> Her dry heave moment regarding Dr. Blah blah has me thinking she’d be on her back in no time at his request.


Well, she's already damp just from a compliment. 

It's one thing to think a coworker is hot. It's in another realm to TELL another coworker how hot he makes you.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Well, she's already damp just from a compliment.
> 
> It's one thing to think a coworker is hot. It's in another realm to TELL another coworker how hot he makes you.


Does it mean anything that I came home one day after being at my dad’s and she asked me if I told him what she said about that doctor? She got a little nervous it seemed and then I said no I wouldn’t discuss that with my dad that’s awkward. She turned around and said well he did tell me one time to make sure we are “still being intimate.”

i turned around and said yeah he meant like to keep our marriage healthy, that’s different. She then said something like it’s pretty much the same.

does this mean she did something past that comment or is she afraid of having someone outside tell me I need to set a boundary and tell her to cut her ****?

she also said something similar when I went out with one of my friends shortly after.

jokingly saying did he say “leave that b?”

because I said I had a good time it was good to unwind with a guy friend and talk.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> Does it mean anything that I came home one day after being at my dad’s and she asked me if I told him what she said about that doctor? She got a little nervous it seemed and then I said no I wouldn’t discuss that with my dad that’s awkward. She turned around and said well he did tell me one time to make sure we are “still being intimate.”
> 
> i turned around and said yeah he meant like to keep our marriage healthy, that’s different. She then said something like it’s pretty much the same.
> 
> ...


That's a guilty conscience talking there. I'm afraid she has reason to feel guilty and that nothing good for you or your marriage.

I Think it's time to refer to posts that will tell you how to catch an adulterous wife and standard surveillance. I'm starting to fear that our advice on how to prevent your wife from becoming an adulteress may be too late already.

I certainly hope I'm wrong here, but I hear sirens wailing.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Garfield1230 said:


> Not denying the stink. Just noting that an insecure woman who didn’t feel good probably got jazzed the “hot doctor” all the girls in the office swoon over threw her a compliment.


So does she get even more "damp" when the "hot doctor" invites her to have a drink with him after work? You see how this plays out, correct? Whether it's this Dr or some other dude that throws a compliment at your wife, once they realize how easy and gullible she is (because she needs validation from men) they shower her with even more compliments and somehow these compliments have a magic power that makes her spread her legs for these men and she just couldn't control herself.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's a guilty conscience talking there. I'm afraid she has reason to feel guilty and that nothing good for you or your marriage.
> 
> I Think it's time to refer to posts that will tell you how to catch an adulterous wife and standard surveillance. I'm starting to fear that our advice on how to prevent your wife from becoming an adulteress may be too late already.
> 
> I certainly hope I'm wrong here, but I hear sirens wailing.


Or is she just embarrassed or feeling guilty about the inappropriate comment and doesn’t want my dad to know she said something so distasteful while married to his son?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> Or is she just embarrassed or feeling guilty about the inappropriate comment and doesn’t want my dad to know she said something so distasteful while married to his son?


It's a possibility and something you want to believe so badly that you've been parrying every red flag that has been raised here with an excuse. I think the ugly truth is just too ugly of a possibility for you to consider. I see more red flags here than at a May-Day parade.

I hope you are right and I am wrong, really I do.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> It's a possibility and something you want to believe so badly that you've been parrying every red flag that has been raised here with an excuse. I think the ugly truth is just too ugly of a possibility for you to consider. I see more red flags here than at a May-Day parade.
> 
> I hope you are right and I am wrong, really I do.


What doesn’t make sense to me is we had a good conversation after I confronted her on the text. We agreed to go a marriage counselor to figure things out and we have been going on more dates and trying to spend more time together. Seems like an awful lot of work to put in.

we have even been alernating who plans the dates to surprise the other, started reading a book together to build discussion and working out together to support her goal of getting back in pre baby shape. Working out together was something we did a lot when we first started dating so it’s been nice to get back to focusing on us post baby.

she did say at one point during that convo that she is not looking for someone else and just misses us and being happy together. This was after I raised my fear that someone will take advantage of our struggles and swoop in.

she even heard myconcerns that I need to her to do more with our Son andhas been making a real effort.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s finally come to her senses after your conversation. Your efforts are paying off and she’s trying to be a better wife and mother.
She just needed a reality check snd she seems more in love with you than ever. I’ll bet your sex life is even improving. Don’t listen to the naysayers that think every woman is a cheater.

So, there. Feel better?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s finally come to her senses after your conversation. Your efforts are paying off and she’s trying to be a better wife and mother.
> She just needed a reality check snd she seems more in love with you than ever. I’ll bet your sex life is even improving. Don’t listen to the naysayers that think every woman is a cheater.
> 
> So, there. Feel better?


the sex life actually has been way better. We were not affectionate at all before. While I think you’re partly placating I will take some of what you said as a need to express whatever other boundaries I may have to help my situation.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The sex gets hotter when the husband is upping his game, which causes her to desire you more and also makes her keenly aware that they other women will desire you as well. The other major cause is if someone else is getting her hot. Then she’s basically banging him through you. The ladder happens in the beginning EA stages of an affair. When it goes physical, the husband is usually sexually cut off. Don’t want to cheat on her man. 

In your case, being caught appears to be a wake up call for her. So she ups the sex to put you back to sleep. Low self esteem women are ver vulnerable to cheap compliments from other men. They could say the same things you say but coming from a new guy it’s special. Over and over we read of WWs thinking “oh, you have to say that” about the compliments their husband give.

Once again, I suggest you read @Landofblue post on page 3. A conversation like that can lay things out for you to convey the seriousness of the situation. Also, you both should read “Not Just A Friend.” It’s an eye opener of how these affairs happen and can serve as away to protect your marriage.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I think every page so far has had a new red flag pop up in it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> the sex life actually has been way better. We were not affectionate at all before. While I think you’re partly placating I will take some of what you said as a need to express whatever other boundaries I may have to help my situation.


Just keep posting and try to give as many details as possible as far as the context abd what your wife says. The collective brains here will dissect it and give you the best feedback.

yes, I knew that was what you wanted to hear. I truly hope it’s accurate.

Sadly, there’s a reason you’re here. Your gut is telling you there’s some bad stuff lurking about.
I hate to say it but your gut is about 99.9999% accurate.

Your wife has another man on her mind. I think if I were you, I’d put a Voice Acticated Recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car after researching the proper way to do it, never giving up your source of info, and getting the scoop on what your wife is really up to.

I agree with the above. A sudden change in sex, with all the other red flags, is a red flag in itself. Any new positions she’s tried in you?
Any new lingerie or panties lately?

Women on the prowl very commonly work out like they’re training for the Olympics, dress differently for work, do their hair differently, and buy lingerie their husband never sees them wear.

I hope of course, that things are changing for the better in your marriage. I’m just suggesting doing some research on your wife since you’re seeing so many red flags.
If you don’t turn up anything, you can keep up the game improvement and feel better about it.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just keep posting and try to give as many details as possible as far as the context abd what your wife says. The collective brains here will dissect it and give you the best feedback.
> 
> yes, I knew that was what you wanted to hear. I truly hope it’s accurate.
> 
> ...


Ehhh not so sure that one applies. She gained a bit of weight are the baby and is still wearing maternity style underwear because she doesn’t fit her old stuff. The sex stopped because she had to recover from the baby and then was on meds for PPD. She recently came off the anti depressants and right after we went back on our first date as a couple while someone watched the kid it was on when we got home.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> Ehhh not so sure that one applies. She gained a bit of weight are the baby and is still wearing maternity style underwear because she doesn’t fit her old stuff. The sex stopped because she had to recover from the baby and then was on meds for PPD. She recently came off the anti depressants and right after we went back on our first date as a couple while someone watched the kid it was on when we got home.


That doesn’t sound nearly as bad as your previous posts….


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> That doesn’t sound nearly as bad as your previous posts….


In what way


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We have quite a bit of threads from BHs who explain about how their wife was on meds for some emotional/hormonal/mental issue that made a complete change when she all of the sudden stopped them. I’m talking becoming recklessly wayward. Not that betraying your family isn’t always reckless but I’m talking beyond the normal betraying the husband. We’re talking even disengaging from the kids too. Not trying to sound alarmist but I agree with @GoldenR that it’s almost like you keep dropping more red flags. Maybe not quite red but maybe pink .


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

The counselling and working on your marriage sounds good on paper. And it's great you're doing that.
To clarify, did she continue to pay the chef the extraordinary amount of attention she does on SM after the counselling started? Cos that's a contradiction.
Is he returning it?
Is she still doing it?
How would she like it if you were doing the same and made a similar comment about a colleague, especially since she's so insecure? Why not ask her that?
When was the doctor comment in all this?
As an aside why would she think you'd tell her father-in-law about the damp comment? That sounded so odd. I even found it odd that he would talk to her about your intimacy. That's just me. Is there some backstory to that re your marriage?
I'm just having trouble getting a good picture of the situation.
It's true that if she's insecure with you, she's going to use other men's attention to build herself up.
Have you ever given her reason to feel insecure? other women flirting with you etc? If she regarded you as a trophy I presume you are someone that other women might flirt with.
I still think you should secretly monitor her.
For me there would be enough flags to do so and many of the posters who have plenty of experience in this seem to be saying the same thing. At this stage you don't have enough information imo. Also it would be reassuring for you to know that it's no more than what you've described here. 
PS I 100% agree with the poster(s) who said "she protests too much" when you challenge her eg on the chef. It was way too extreme.


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## loblawbobblog (9 mo ago)

With every post you drop a new red flag. Be careful and alert and don't overlook or rug sweep anything. Follow your gut, it's usually right. Good luck, man.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> What doesn’t make sense to me is we had a good conversation after I confronted her on the text. We agreed to go a marriage counselor to figure things out and we have been going on more dates and trying to spend more time together. Seems like an awful lot of work to put in.
> 
> we have even been alernating who plans the dates to surprise the other, started reading a book together to build discussion and working out together to support her goal of getting back in pre baby shape. Working out together was something we did a lot when we first started dating so it’s been nice to get back to focusing on us post baby.
> 
> she did say at one point during that convo that she is not looking for someone else and just misses us and being happy together. This was after I raised my fear that someone will take advantage of our struggles and swoop in.


First off, sorry for the delay in answering, but this is Africa and we had yet another rolling black out in the middle of me typing.

You know more than I do, I can only base my opinion on what you tell us and it is after all merely my opinion, but what you have told me now did not sway me from that opinion at all.

Is she still liking all the ex's posts etc.? Are you sure she wasn't "moist" because of a memory of intimacy she and the doctor shared previously that got so triggered just before she just had to let her colleague know via text.

At this stage the arrows are pointing to dangerous ground. I know you want to trust her, but let's be honest, you would not be posting here if your hut wasn't screaming at you that your marriage was in peril and that your wife's fidelity is really in question.

With all the red flags you have dropped, I suggest you start investigating. The means to do it can be found in this post on this site:









Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here. Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





I hope you find nothing, but I'm afraid with all these red flags you would be justified to investigate and a fool not to.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Garfield1230 said:


> I should elaborate on this slightly…
> 
> her response to my concern about this man was more completely “I don’t understand why you’re comparing or concerning yourself with someone I dated 7 years ago. Someone I was with for a quick minute and could care less about. In fact, if he was in the street on fire I don’t think I would pee on him to put him out. Someone I don’t keep in any contact with from my past.”
> 
> ...


How is liking everyone of his post no contact?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Garfield1230 said:


> So this is weird because she does like our posts and constantly posts about us and our Son.
> 
> I also noticed that he really only likes pictures she posts if it’s of her and I or things like it’s our baby or marriage announcement.
> 
> ...


Your situation is ambiguous right now.

She could just be above board and platonically friendly. Many people are 

A problem is the feelings of insecurity this is causing in you though and you could both probably do with some communication about your feelings and maybe even a little counseling.

This is a very real issue for you so you shouldn't overlook it.

She should have to at least acknowledge your emotions about this and try to work through this with you.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

jsmart said:


> I strongly agree with AB’s call for you BOTH to read “Not Just Friends “. There’s something that smells to me of a spouse following an ex so closely for so long. That they dated for only 3 months, gives me the vibe that she feels he’s the one that got away. Blowing him up in her head to be better than she remembered.
> 
> *Most women are not direct when they pursue a guy. They put themselves in a situation for a guy to make a move and then later claim one thing led to another and it just happened. So I would just do your due diligence and verify if there are any private conversations on her social media and her email/ text.*
> 
> How is your marriage. Is it affectionately loving with a good sex life? Are you still putting in the effort to be a loving husband. Occasionally buy a gift for no reason, date night, telling her you love her, help with chores and kid, etc? Are you taking care of yourself? (Fitness, clothing, haur, hygiene, etc?).7 years is the time for an itch, so be proactive in still being the man she chose.


Unbelievably accurate and underrated truth.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

I spoke to her about it, she unfollowed him and removed herself from his friends on sm. She explained to me they only dated for about a month and went on 3 dates so she didn’t understand why I was concerning myself with someone so Insignificant when we are Married and things have been going well lately.

i brought up my last gf and asked if she would care if I followed/liked her and she said no. Says she only worried about her when we first started dating because she didn’t know where things would go but now it wouldn’t bother her because we’re married and that relationship is in the past.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> I spoke to her about it, she unfollowed him and removed herself from his friends on sm. She explained to me they only dated for about a month and went on 3 dates so she didn’t understand why I was concerning myself with someone so Insignificant when we are Married and things have been going well lately.
> 
> i brought up my last gf and asked if she would care if I followed/liked her and she said no. Says she only worried about her when we first started dating because she didn’t know where things would go but now it wouldn’t bother her because we’re married and that relationship is in the past.


Then go follow your ex gf and like all her posts and see how your wife really feels about it. I can guarantee you she will definitely not like it.

The "I won't be jealous if you did what you know I did." is utter nonsense. It's a deflection to make her seem guiltless for something that she should have felt guilt about.

None of this addresses the text about the good doctor, that moist text though.

I'm just raising red flags and cautioning you not to let your guard down just yet.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> I spoke to her about it, she unfollowed him and removed herself from his friends on sm. She explained to me they only dated for about a month and went on 3 dates so she didn’t understand why I was concerning myself with someone so Insignificant when we are Married and things have been going well lately.
> 
> i brought up my last gf and asked if she would care if I followed/liked her and she said no. Says she only worried about her when we first started dating because she didn’t know where things would go but now it wouldn’t bother her because we’re married and that relationship is in the past.


I personally think your wife is a liar.
And sadly, you need to keep an eye on her. 
She’s also gaslighting you. “I don’t understand”. Blah blah blah……. Yeah she understands EXACTLY why you’re upset. You should be. And she’s just shady as hell.

it’s easy to say she wouldn’t mind if you were doing x, y, z because she’s got you wrapped up snd she knows it.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Garfield1230 said:


> I should elaborate on this slightly…
> 
> her response to my concern about this man was more completely “I don’t understand why you’re comparing or concerning yourself with someone I dated 7 years ago. Someone I was with for a quick minute and could care less about. In fact, if he was in the street on fire I don’t think I would pee on him to put him out. Someone I don’t keep in any contact with from my past.”
> 
> ...


Thank you for this more detailed description of the dialog.
It sounds stronger about her lack of interest in him.
So, true, it seems you don´t need to worry about that specific man.

Even so I still stand for my comment on the original post.

"She tells me* I shouldn’t compare* myself (because) ... *we are married with a kid*"

IF THIS is the foundation for choosing you as a man, the reasons are IMO still weak and sad.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

ElOtro said:


> Thank you for this more detailed description of the dialog.
> It sounds stronger about her lack of interest in him.
> So, true, it seems you don´t need to worry about that specific man.
> 
> ...


So i get what you’re saying but the way she seems to use it is in a way of like you’re worried about someone i went on 3 dates with 6 years ago? I married you and we had a kid together.

as if to say you guys aren’t even on the same playing field.

she seems a bit confused on my concerns like as if to say i liked his picture and i had a baby with you. Obviously i chose you.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Garfield1230 said:


> So i get what you’re saying but the way she seems to use it is in a way of like you’re worried about someone i went on 3 dates with 6 years ago? I married you and we had a kid together.
> 
> as if to say you guys aren’t even on the same playing field.
> 
> she seems a bit confused on my concerns like as if to say i liked his picture and i had a baby with you. Obviously i chose you.


I´m aware that this is what she is saying.
Even so the core of it is IMO frequently encoded in the "obvious".
So much marriages if not most have a relationship based on that ambiguous assumed obvious (as it´s very best "familiar love") rather than cos fiercely being in love that I hesitate to say that it´s "obviously" enough.

Of course, nothing wrong if you are satisfied with it.

Best wishes.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Garfield1230 said:


> So i get what you’re saying but the way she seems to use it is in a way of like you’re worried about someone i went on 3 dates with 6 years ago? I married you and we had a kid together.
> 
> as if to say you guys aren’t even on the same playing field.
> 
> she seems a bit confused on my concerns like as if to say i liked his picture and i had a baby with you. Obviously i chose you.


Do you know if she was ever intimate with him? I would assume no since it was 3 dates.

She may be completely truthful and he isn't even in your league according to her, but your feelings are your feelings. It is good she agreed to do what made you feel most comfortable. You can tell her that you just had an uncomfortable feeling about it all and your marriage is too important to take a risk.

Still keep an eye out, but don't go crazy over it. Sounds like she is on board with doing what is right for the marriage


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

yeah it was interesting to say the least. I didn’t really ask her to do it i basically said i noticed you guys still follow/like each other’s posts and she pulled out her phone and went ok he’s unfollowed and i removed him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Garfield1230 said:


> This normally probably would not have bothered me. However we spoke a little while back about reconnecting in our marriage since having a kid*. She told me she would normally run/look elsewhere when things go south but wants to work on us because we are married/have a kid but she is “actively trying not to” run or look elsewhere**.** We have been doing pretty well spending more time together and going on dates. But the comment about her saying she is trying not to run or look elsewhere shook me a little.
> 
> What also shook my confidence shortly after was a text message convo I saw between her and a friend when she left her message app open on our pc. She had just got her hair dyed and was telling me how everyone at work complimented it including one of the doctors. I didn’t think anything of it until* *I saw her message to her female co worker saying “Dr. Blah blah just complimented me soo hard and now I’m damp!”*
> 
> I brought the text up but she just tells me it was a poor taste comment and she didn’t mean it.


I had to revisit this after reading your last post.

you said your own wife basically told you that when things go south in a relationship, she normally is a cheating slore. Then she said she was “actively trying” to work on your relationship. Which to me implies that she was WANTING to jump in another man, but has chosen instead to work on yours and hers relationship. Then you find out that she’s got the hits for some doctor and his compliment alone got her britches wet.

So my question is: Why are you working so hard on a relationship with a woman that’s already told you she’s a chronic cheater, you’ve found out she’s got a coworker that gets her britches wet, and you seem to just whisk all of this away every time she “explains herself”.

What am I not seeing that you are, that makes you feel so much better?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I had to revisit this after reading your last post.
> 
> you said your own wife basically told you that when things go south in a relationship, she normally is a cheating slore. Then she said she was “actively trying” to work on your relationship. Which to me implies that she was WANTING to jump in another man, but has chosen instead to work on yours and hers relationship. Then you find out that she’s got the hits for some doctor and his compliment alone got her britches wet.
> 
> ...


Because she’s apparently honest about it? She’s given him something to work with? The devil you know, as they say…


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Garfield1230 said:


> they only dated for about a month and went on 3 dates so she didn’t understand why I was concerning myself with someone so Insignificant when we are Married and things have been going well lately.


SO INSIGNIFICANT, and yet she's been following and liking EVERY POST for 7 YEARS? Doesn't sound so insignificant to me... Keep watching.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> SO INSIGNIFICANT, and yet she's been following and liking EVERY POST for 7 YEARS? Doesn't sound so insignificant to me... Keep watching.


There are some who go through and like every single post from anyone they know, reflexively. The important thing, I think, is that she immediately stopped and, if I recall correctly, blocked him. It doesn’t seem like it was a tough call for her, when she recognized it was an issue for her husband.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I had to revisit this after reading your last post.
> 
> you said your own wife basically told you that when things go south in a relationship, she normally is a cheating slore. Then she said she was “actively trying” to work on your relationship. Which to me implies that she was WANTING to jump in another man, but has chosen instead to work on yours and hers relationship. Then you find out that she’s got the hits for some doctor and his compliment alone got her britches wet.
> 
> ...





Casual Observer said:


> Because she’s apparently honest about it? She’s given him something to work with? The devil you know, as they say…


this may be my fault in mis-representing her comment.

she came to me about the state of the relationship and said that her normal in past relationships is to leave instead of work on things. She told me she was trying to not go with that instinct and instead come to me to talk and see if we can work on things because we aren’t just a casual relationship like she’s had in the past, we are married with a kid and she simply misses being happy together and wants toget back to that.

i then agreed to work on it and added my fear saying it scares me to think of her leaving or potentially someone else showing her attention and her going to them.

i said this because it recently happened to a friend of ours who had a kid and his wife ignored their marriage to focus on the kid.

some girl outside the marriage gave him the attention he wasn’t getting at home and he left.

i said I don’t want that to happen to us and she said she didn’t either and told me that is not what she’s trying to do and she worries about me potentially doing the same.

she then told me she talked to a male friend at work about our relationship as he has come to her and some of the other girls inthe office to talk about his issues after being cheated on.

she said “I want to let you know I asked him for some advice but I wasn’t looking for his attention”

She said he felt from his perspective I was not ignoring the marriage, but just trying to be a good father and might be overwhelmed. He said that in his opinion i seem like a good guy who she should work things out with because there aren’t many of us left.

i said I appreciated his words but wasn’t okay with her discussing our marriage with work and she said she respected that boundary and wouldn’t do so anymore.

next time he asked she actually texted me to ask if it was okay to share with him that we are doing “very well”

She told me his response was that he was happy for us. I like that she respected that boundary and reached out before even giving a positive.

Additionally, she agreed to go to counseling together and we discussed scheduling 2x monthly dates where someone watches our kid so we can have more time together again.

she also acknowledged me doing most of the work with our baby and made a visible effort to help out.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> There are some who go through and like every single post from anyone they know, reflexively. The important thing, I think, is that she immediately stopped and, if I recall correctly, blocked him. It doesn’t seem like it was a tough call for her, when she recognized it was an issue for her husband.


So this is probably what I would say as well. She has been following him since their few dates and never removed him. He doesn’t post often but it’s typically pictures of food he has cooked, the city sky line or the occasional selfie or picture of him with his nieces. My discomfort came in her liking 2 shirtless pictures where he talked about “taking control of his life and making a positive change/working on his body and mind to blah blah 2022 is my year.”

as well as a post where he announced finally reaching hisdream of opening his own restaurant as she commented “congratulations, can’t wait to try it out”

I’ve seen no evidence of actual conversation or discussion between them which seems to match with what she’s saying.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Garfield1230 said:


> So this is probably what I would say as well. She has been following him since their few dates and never removed him. He doesn’t post often but it’s typically pictures of food he has cooked, the city sky line or the occasional selfie or picture of him with his nieces. My discomfort came in her liking 2 shirtless pictures where he talked about “taking control of his life and making a positive change/working on his body and mind to blah blah 2022 is my year.”
> 
> as well as a post where he announced finally reaching hisdream of opening his own restaurant as she commented “congratulations, can’t wait to try it out”
> 
> I’ve seen no evidence of actual conversation or discussion between them which seems to match with what she’s saying.


This sounds positive and quite plausible.

What did she have to say about the [moist] text to the co-worker?


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> This sounds positive and quite plausible.
> 
> What did she have to say about the [moist] text to the co-worker?


We discussed it on our own where she stated that she felt bad and was upset that she hurt me. She also stated that she didn’t mean it literally and was just having girl talk.

we also discussed it briefly in couples counseling where she referred to it as a “locker room” comment and acted kind of embarrassed


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> There are some who go through and like every single post from anyone they know, reflexively. The important thing, I think, is that she immediately stopped and, if I recall correctly, blocked him. It doesn’t seem like it was a tough call for her, when she recognized it was an issue for her husband.


Yeah that was definitely a good thing. She said she didn’t understand why it upset me so much but immediately pulled out her phone and removed him without me asking.

i basically said it bugged me and she said ok I just removed him and she did.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Seems like she is taking positive and productive steps. I hope she maintains this level of recognition that things she’s says and does can be hurtful to her spouse.

Continue with the therapist and make sure you are open and honest about your feelings and show equal concern for hers.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportions. Massively.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportions. Massively.


Rather it be addressed, dragged into sunlight and discussed. This disturbed OP enough to post here. Whatever happened to "trust your gut"?

The frank discussions OP had with his wife might just have been the herbicide needed to kill the seeds of impropriety and infidelity before they got a chance to sprout.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportions. Massively.


I couldn't disagree more. There were a number of things going on that were potential relationship killers. SM interactions, discussing marriage with opposite gender coworker, inappropriate sexually charged comments between friends and comments about running away. They all made @Garfield1230 uncomfortable and the wife really didn't know it. Thanks to all this, they had a great opportunity to discuss boundaries as well as other ways to strengthen their marriage. It is much better to have potential issues out in the open and discussed.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> SO INSIGNIFICANT, and yet she's been following and liking EVERY POST for 7 YEARS? Doesn't sound so insignificant to me... Keep watching.


Yea, this is a case of actions speak louder than words. She told you he was insignificant but her actions say he’s never left her kind. They only went on 3 dates? Things that make say hmm. He most likely got a taste of her and left quite an impression. Thankfully OP has given her a serious wake up call that seems to have snapped her out of it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Rather it be addressed, dragged into sunlight and discussed. This disturbed OP enough to post here. Whatever happened to "trust your gut"?
> 
> The frank discussions OP had with his wife might just have been the herbicide needed to kill the seeds of impropriety and infidelity before they got a chance to sprout.


I agree. It seems like a he had a good conversation that seems to have hit home. Her words are now of someone who may realize she was on a path that could lead her to destruction of her family. 

The advise he received on TAM has provided him the tools to speak boldly about his concerns, have the right counter arguments to BS replies, and now he’s not afraid to set boundaries. Very positive developments.

See @loblawbobblog that speaking to your wife about your concerns and expecting to be respected gets you results. I know you have way more serious discoveries to confront about but you’ll never get the resolution you need by suffering quietly or worse, sulking around while you let your wife think you’re dealing with some vague midlife crisis.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Interesting that her responses to both inquiries ( the one about the chef and the one about the doctor ) were so over the top. As someone mentioned, the old excessive protestation deal.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

OP, why did you change you name, butcher the name of the thread and remove your initial post?


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I can tell you one thing as a man, this will not sit well with me. I made my boundaries very clear when my wife and I became exclusive. No-exes.


I just dont understand these wives nowadays , why are you getting married and doing everything possible to make your spouse feel insecure.. Also if its innocent so what ?? she is married to you and your feelings come first above anything esle especially if there are signs it makes you feel insecure period.. if there was an ex of mine that was " short lived as she says" why would i want to congratulate or even have them in the picture for any reason.. even if my wife is easy going and doesnt care if speak to an ex i still wouldnt you know why ??? because i respect her and would never do anything that i know i wouldnt want her to do !! i also dont need to be telling her that she shouldnt do that like duhhh w... thats the problem when you truelly love someone there feelings come first end of story no excuses unless they share custody 50/50 even then then why cant you have a go between just saying!!!! i bring that up because when is there ever a sitation that make it okay? it may happen more often than none when spouses truelly respect and love each and when the other party talking to the ex makes ever efoort to be open and make the spouse not feel insecure.. AND if you feel insecure so what shes your wife right ??? my boundary is respect our vows and never do anything you dont want me doing if your unsure then dont do no mattter what is !!!! And if you justify your actions then be comfortable with the consequences which may invole me leaving . so is it worth it .. 
it just shocks me how people justify behaviors they would never tolerate from their spouse if it was reversed but expect the spouse to be okay when it involve thems .. i guarantee if she felt insecure about one of you ex's that you did what she is currently doing , you woud in a heart beat drop it and would never wait for your spouse to tell you to do it!! you just would because you dont want to hurt the feelings of the person you love and are married too !!!


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I don’t see a need to stay in contact with exes unless there’s coparenting involved. In this case, she’s staying in touch just because she wants to and it’s just not necessary or appropriate now that she’s married (to you). You’re not being insecure, she’s being inconsiderate of your feelings.
> 
> She should stop following him and reaching out with her comments, tags, etc and respect you over a past bf. If she calls you jealous or dismisses your feelings, don’t ignore that. Your feelings aren’t unreasonable and if she respects you, she’ll want to do things that don’t make you feel uneasy. I hope she stops contact with him and that you don’t accept it to “keep the peace.”


well put !!! OP listen to these words !!! why is she being inconsiderate to feeling , why is it so easy for her to dismiss your feelings is that a way a loving spouse should act ? ANd why if she notices that it makes you insecure do you have to tell her what to do SMH if she doesnt do it on her on accord immediatey then you know where you stand in relation to that person no matter what she tells you or justifies to herself !!!

eg my spouse feels insecure or jealous how can i make them not feel that way = stop what i am doing so they continue to trust me and we continue on our journey of life together you get the drift ..... 

its very simple when its innocent but GUESS what when its not then all of a sudden the dismisals , the secrets, the shaming blah blah blah oh guess what im now emotional involved and pushed the boundary a bit blah blah blah more excuses for the actions where they start believing thier own BS then one day they kiss cheat blah blah Blah BLah get the drift

so which scenario are you in


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> If she is having direct one to one online contact that's more concerning. An occasional 'like' or whatever isn't quite so worrying.
> Do you feel insecure because you took her from him?


to be honest i dont think whatever his insecurties are matter it just doesnt matter all that matters is he is insecure wth the ex .. if he became jeoulous or whatever for whatever reason her response and heart is towards him and if she cherishes the marriage why would you ever want the person you love to feel that way regardless if its innocent or not, hence her lies the problem she doesnt care about his feeling they are not dating they are married !!! if she is being open about it whay hasnt she involved him in it you know what i mean .. letting hi know like guess what i found out my ex opened the resturant we had talked about and i checked it out online and it pretty awesome we should go check it out sometime ... 90% of spouses in my opinion who value their SO would react that way if indeed it was innocent. and if then he saw she liked it im sure he wouldnt feel insecure . When theres hiding theres hinding for a reason theres always a reason and that reason is never lines up with marriage boundaries


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> OP, why did you change you name, butcher the name of the thread and remove your initial post?


Oh, oh. Could his wife have found the source of his new found boldness and refusal to accept BS responses. 

@Megaforce I agree that all her over the top responses raise more questions. Her “ ill That guy? No way.” Then gets busted talking about getting all wet over her doctor coworker. Isn’t funny how it’s almost always the boss or someone further up in the social status ladder that gets them wet. Those same compliments from the janitor would illicit eye rolls at best. Then you have her saying the guy she was seeing for a short time as being unimportant despite practically stalking him on SM for the past 7 years and tagging him on post smell of fishing. Then she adds that she wouldn’t be upset if he were doing the same thing. OP has to know and I’m sure everyone on TAM knows that she would completely flip out if she busted him stalking an ex.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> So i get what you’re saying but the way she seems to use it is in a way of like you’re worried about someone i went on 3 dates with 6 years ago? I married you and we had a kid together.
> 
> as if to say you guys aren’t even on the same playing field.
> 
> she seems a bit confused on my concerns like as if to say i liked his picture and i had a baby with you. Obviously i chose you.


To me, liking the topless photo of ex is saying to ex...Ohh Daddy! Baby Girl likes that!😋


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Not that I know of. However I would imagine that occurs in private messages which she has likely deleted by now if they existed.
> 
> Occasional likes I would be okay with but we are talking every picture on both platforms including ones with his shirt off.


i guess it would be okay for you to like an ex in a bikini all the time too SMH .. what good is that what benifit does that bring priorites boundaries the lines are getting blurred ??


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> I should elaborate on this slightly…
> 
> her response to my concern about this man was more completely “I don’t understand why you’re comparing or concerning yourself with someone I dated 7 years ago. Someone I was with for a quick minute and could care less about. In fact, if he was in the street on fire I don’t think I would pee on him to put him out. Someone I don’t keep in any contact with from my past.”
> 
> ...


yet shes the one liking eveything about hi on all platforms and your the crazy SMH


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Basically she didn’t understand my concern because all I really brought up was an old picture when what really made me uncomfortable is the seemingly continued interaction at some level.


trickled truth trickled response trickled action get the drift


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> I’m not sure in this case it’s cheating. Wandering eye and defensive of getting caught for sure.


yes but it stops there it doesnt continue its a moment. i see good looking girls at work when i run etc i look and dont touch and it stays there i dont go on about it ... how esle do u think emotional affairs begin just curious ???

*like the saying i tell my kids you cant stop birds flying over your head but you can prevent them from laying eggs / building a nest there *-- hope you really understand that


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> OP, why did you change you name, butcher the name of the thread and remove your initial post?


He probably realised he had nothing to worry about... or she's run away with the dr...


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Does it change anything if she has been extremely insecure about me our whole marriage? Constantly nervous girls are eyeing me since I was sort of her trophy when we got together.
> 
> Recently I know she’s been struggling with self esteem due to post partum as well as gaining a bit of weight she can’t seem to lose while I’ve gotten into running, lost weight and have been praised even by her as the “better” parent.


from my experience cheater get nervous about things thier SO is doing that they are make sense , deflected guilt or whatever madness is in their head


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's just making excuses for your wife. That text is inexcusable. No married woman who respects her husband would be sending texts like that.
> 
> Are you perhaps too soft and have lost her respect for you as a result? Woman do not respect their husbands when they excuse their inexcusable behavior and with the red flags here, without her respect, it's only a matter of time before she steps out.
> 
> No sir, time to sit her down tell her she's been disrespectful to you and set some hard boundaries. It's time to assert yourself and earn her respect in the process by being a man not taking this kind of crap from HIS WIFE!


exactly !!!!!! les see how insecure she would feel if you said some hot girl you work with contantly gives you those butterflies you had as a kid - just saying !!


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Or is she just embarrassed or feeling guilty about the inappropriate comment and doesn’t want my dad to know she said something so distasteful while married to his son?


you already know the answer if it was innocent would she be soo worried to the point of being that specific. why does she thing you told your dad in the first place ,, maybe as a means to manipulate you to be silient moving forward just curious


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

what bothers me is why do we have to tell the SO to stop there ways shouldnt that be a natural thing if you love each. she knew it bothered you yet she only removed it when you told her too doesnt that bother you !! why like his body regardless if he has transformed or not like in you head but putting it out there for him to see and know what message does that send to all parties involved ...have you asked her if has has ever cheated on you ??? not that you would get the truth but atleast you asked !!! 

when a spouse in a supposibngly happy marriage easily dismisses the SO theres a reason behind it...

i hoe if anything what you have learned is dont compromise you stance ever , be open and watch the actions let the words they say be the conclusion of what you would arrive to by looking at there actions .. remember human communication is 90% non verbal.. how esle to sweet talkers get away it .. because people plac eto much value in words and not actions.... 

so if she is serious about your relationship and you guys are on the same track ask her the tough questions first by explaining to her your giving her this only chace to be compleyly honest
1) have you ever cheated 
2) why did you like the pic with his shirt off - again strees to her be honest
3) has there ever been anything wit that dr with anybody at her work
then ask about with her a kiss / text / anything
4) why did she delete her ex from ther contacts -- if her reason is because you where mad or didnt want to make you mad -- i would cringe - it should because she doesnt want anything that she does to hurt you get the difference . 
5) why is she still married to you and why she wants this marriage -- dig deep and see how she percieves you in it
6) does she understand how her actions hurt you - regardless if she does /doesnt switch the roles and see her response be expected to hear i wouldnt be mad/jealous blah blah blah -- if she says that then maybe she really doesnt understand . however if she is really being open it will go along the lines of if im soo sorry i did that i cant beleiev i made you feel that way and will show remorse as would any spouse who hurt the one they loved !!
7) tell her moving forward she is entilled to do whatever she wants as long as whatever she does you can under the umbrella of your vows .. see what that means to her 
8) Ask her what boundaries she expects in this marriage - for you it will be TRUST that its
9) If trust is broken you will leave thats it that s you only requirement if she breaks it you are ooutta there 
- i say only trust because she need to want to to be with you and love you and those things are immposible without TRust ....

like i said in an earlier post i am no push over and i never tell my wife what to do , it must come from her heart because she wants to and i will leave if EVER our TRUST is crossed ... that is why i say to her do what you want as long as i can do the same being guided by our vows which are sacred to me and her only .. thas is why i wont ever stay with a cheater even if it was just emotional because even that you crossed so many things and broke the fpundation we stand on - TRUST 

sorry abou the long post trying to get it all in before i go tee of sorry for all the spelling errors in advance


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> He probably realised he had nothing to worry about... or she's run away with the dr...


The second alternative wouln´t be the worst way to realize he have no more to worry about, right?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportions. Massively.


-Whether it has been blown out of all proprtion as, I don't know. However I think that the way OP revealed details was possibly misleading, not deliberately, but possibly because one day he'd feel OK about it and then next day might feel that he had nothing to worry about and so his posts refelected that. I even said in a previous post I was finding it hard to read the situation. 

-I hope OP was over-reacting and that he will feel secure again down the track. That said, so much contact with an ex, even if it's only SM would bother any partner I think, to varying degrees. I think she often seemed to be very dismissive, or protested too much. Saying she 'wouldn't mind' if she was in OP's position is a nonsense. She's not in that position and I can't see her being fine with it if her 'trophy' husband was doing the same. 

My conclusion is that I'm glad I'm not in such a situation. I'd feel I had to be vigilant, particularly in the context of more or less saying she's resisting temptation because she's married with a kid. I would also secretly monitor her until I felt 100% that 'she was walking the talk' and that there was nothing I didn't know. I still think she was showing a restlessness in the marriage and took OP for granted. There was also a mention of him doing more of the parenting I think. OP has taken a stance which might have been a wake-up call for her and she might think twice about her behaviours in the future.

-The worst thing that can come into or exist in a marriage in whatever capacity is an 'ex'. It's not rocket science. Then comes insecurity and which is the worst possible thing to feel in a marriage. 
If OP over-reacted, it only goes to prove it.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Hey, just following up after our couples session.

We went in and when the therapist asked how we are doing my wife stated that we are "doing great."

She then referenced our increased quality time and the recent dates we have gone on. She was very excited to share how well things are going in her opinion.

When it came to me, I stated that while I agree with all of that there have been some "incidents" that we are dealing with.

Therapist asked what I meant and I kind of stumbled so my wife says "Tell her about the social media issue."

So I said okay and described how it bothered me that she still had these pictures up/still followed her ex.

The therapist inquired and my wife responded that she never scrolls down that far on her Instagram and simply did not know the pictures were even still there. She added that she has since deleted them as they "mean nothing to her."

Same deal in regards to following him, she told the therapist that she unfollowed and removed him as a friend as soon as I mentioned it without me even asking to do so.

Therapist then asked me how I felt after those actions. I stated that while I appreciated them it still worried me because I wonder if she did it for me or if she really misses her old life and only did it to avoid discussion.

The therapist then asked my wife if she resented the fact that she had to remove those photos and her ex as a friend. She answered no, not at all.

I then added that sometimes I worry because this guy and her appeared to share a strong bond. She seemed pretty heart broken over their breakup from what I can see on social media and they share a strong passion for cooking. Her ex is a chef and my wife's dream is to go to culinary school and pursue cooking.

My wife fired back pretty quickly to say that she is not going anywhere and does not care if he is a chef. She stated that she has never been the "pick me girl" in her life but was gladly that when it came to getting my attention. She reminded me of how she took kick boxing lessons she wasn't interested in to get closer to me before we dated.

She also added "So what he is a chef? You do great work with children who don't have anyone else. You are kind, you have a great heart, your intelligent, you're an excellent Father to our Son and a great husband, etc.

Finishing by saying "Not for nothing, you're comparing yourself to a guy I was with for maybe a month or 2 6 years ago when we have been together ever since and married." "Not to be mean or talk badly about him, but the guy you're so worried about is 36 and still lives at home with his parents."

Thoughts?

I'm still processing and not sure how I feel after these remarks.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

@********** @Evinrude58


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

@Dictum Veritas @jsmart


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

@Landofblue


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, just following up after our couples session.
> 
> We went in and when the therapist asked how we are doing my wife stated that we are "doing great."
> 
> ...


I was not there, but what she said seem plausible. I cannot read her nuances. If something still feels off, trust your gut. Trust her as much as you feel comfortable to do so, trust, but verify.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I was not there, but what she said seem plausible. I cannot read her nuances. If something still feels off, trust your gut. Trust her as much as you feel comfortable to do so, trust, but verify.


That's fair. Therapist also gave us a book to read about "love languages" as we both stated feeling insecure about the marriage for different reasons. (Hers was mostly due to her weight gain and inability to lose baby weight while I have gotten into running and am in the best shape of my life.)

Thus far she has been working on reading the book with me and we are discussing each chapter/completing the prompts and making efforts to implement what we read.

She also suggested that after we finish the book that we continue with something called a "marriage journal" that provides marriage related prompts for discussion.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

FloridaPool said:


> That's fair. Therapist also gave us a book to read about "love languages" as we both stated feeling insecure about the marriage for different reasons. (Hers was mostly due to her weight gain and inability to lose baby weight while I have gotten into running and am in the best shape of my life.)
> 
> Thus far she has been working on reading the book with me and we are discussing each chapter/completing the prompts and making efforts to implement what we read.
> 
> She also suggested that after we finish the book that we continue with something called a "marriage journal" that provides marriage related prompts for discussion.


I must say, I have hope. Don't become complacent, but your shared work on the marriage and communication is definitely a very positive sign.

ETA: The fact that she so eagerly participates and was willing to calmly address your concerns bodes very well.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I must say, I have hope. Don't become complacent, but your shared work on the marriage and communication is definitely a very positive sign.
> 
> ETA: The fact that she so eagerly participates and was willing to calmly address your concerns bodes very well.


Yeah I feel good about those things. Will for sure remain vigilant.

My lingering concern really is the "liking" of his photos and occasional comments which seem to be an effort to get his attention? or she truly sees him as a friend since it has been 6+ years since they had a very short lived relationship that didn't work out.

Some part of me feels like it was attention seeking as she struggles with self-esteem and often worries when women talk to me. It's possible she needed some affirmation from others to feel desired? Not sure, but I'm worried to bring up something that may be meaningless and seem like I'm stalking her social media and what she likes/comments.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Sounds like the MC is a good one. I think it was a productive discussion. If it were me, I would make it clear to my wife that she has a lot of work to do to figure out why she has been disrespectful of you by using sexual terms about the doctor and also with the communication with the ex. 

She made vows to love honor cherish and protect. Perhaps discuss what each of those things mean to you both. Then ask her if she feels she wants to still do and be those things with you. If she doesn’t then let her know you’ll be finding a lawyer. 

If she does then let her know she had to prove it. 

Then watch and listen for a while. This has to be a life long endeavor. I think you guys can make it. But after these instances the odds are still against you. So persevere.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

Also seemed kind of strange to me that she claims she doesn't communicate with him but knew he was living at home with his parents when their relationship ended after he moved to the city to pursue his culinary career 6 years ago.

Also, I only had an Instagram account active when I brought up my concerns and she unfollowed him on there.

I since re-activated my facebook and while there is no interaction between them she does still follow him there. Though I can see this as an oversight and she still follows her ex prior to him that was abusive, cheated on her and then married the girl he cheated with 3 months later.

I also didn't have a facebook at the time of our discussion.

Maybe I'm just splitting hairs.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

FloridaPool said:


> Also seemed kind of strange to me that she claims she doesn't communicate with him but knew he was living at home with his parents when their relationship ended after he moved to the city to pursue his culinary career 6 years ago.
> 
> Also, I only had an Instagram account active when I brought up my concerns and she unfollowed him on there.
> 
> ...


no you are not. you are being manipulated - may be nothing happened between them but it was going there. 
she knows 100% she is following him on facebook
why would she even follow him in two different application?
and how does she know he live with his parents?

you are not paranoid - she knows how to spin things - that's typical. 

I feel things will calm down and she will take things underground -

dont say anything about the facebook and keep checking 

after a while check her facebook search history to see if she is looking for him by name


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> no you are not. you are being manipulated - may be nothing happened between them but it was going there.
> she knows 100% she is following him on facebook
> why would she even follow him in two different application?
> and how does she know he live with his parents?
> ...


She followed him on Facebook when they dated and never removed him there. Like I said she still follows her abusive ex-boyfriend that cheated on her.

I only had an instagram at the time of our discussion which is why I brought the fact that they still follow each other on instagram to her attention and she addressed it.

i hesitate to now say, since i reactivated my facebook i see that you also follow him there and i need you to unfollow there as well.

All I see her post on facebook is pictures from our dates and things about me and our son.

In regards to the living at home thing I'm not really sure.

I know she tagged him in a status a year or so ago asking for reccomendations on pots/pans as he is a chef. He didn't comment back publicly but I'm thinking maybe he reached out via message and they caught up briefly?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FP,

You wrote, *You do great work with children who don't have anyone else. You are kind, you have a great heart, your intelligent, you're an excellent Father to our Son and a great husband, etc. *

Did she also say you were a great lover or that she is romantically and passionately in love with you. There is often a danger that you are her plan B guy in the physical department but her plan A guy for everything else. 

Perhaps you are her plan A guy sexually, I hope so for your long term happiness, but keep tabs on this.

When a woman runs down a man and tells you how unsuitable he is it's not always a good sign, women sometimes feel more comfortable with a man with defects they can be themselves around.

It's also concerning that she was dating this OM while dating you without telling you about him until after you were married.


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> FP,
> 
> You wrote, *You do great work with children who don't have anyone else. You are kind, you have a great heart, your intelligent, you're an excellent Father to our Son and a great husband, etc. *
> 
> ...


Yeah so she was not dating him while dating me. They went on a few dates prior to us starting to talk and date. There was a separation of a few months in there.

I can understand her not bringing it up though as I dated a few girls before her that were short lived and insignifcant. She knows about my major relationships but not every date I went on before her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What did I say? Blown out of proportions…


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> What did I say? Blown out of proportions…


I genuinely hope you are right.

I have some lingering concerns but am hopeful.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I guess I'm not the only one here who thinks you've been manipulated.

Your wife knows what to tell you.

You are uncomfortable following the ex but she continues to follow him on fb. she knows you can't see it on fb. It's not about ex, she knows where he lives. Not Dr related but getting wet.

You try not to see that her distorting the facts.

You're right about whatever you're uncomfortable with, and your wife is making matters worse.

Ask for a polygraph 

You will see your wife's reaction, you should be determined about it,

Why are you giving up control to her,she's directing the conversations and you're afraid to even ask?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FloridaPool said:


> I spoke to her about it, she unfollowed him and removed herself from his friends on sm. She explained to me they only dated for about a month and went on 3 dates so she didn’t understand why I was concerning myself with someone so Insignificant when we are Married and things have been going well lately.
> 
> *i brought up my last gf and asked if she would care if I followed/liked her and she said no.* Says she only worried about her when we first started dating because she didn’t know where things would go but now it wouldn’t bother her because we’re married and that relationship is in the past.


*Red Flag.*

Gas lighting.

If that were a true statement, then she has no love for you.

It is obviously a false statement _to make lite of,_ and to excuse her own behavior.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

My advice: trust but verify. Just don't continue showing that you are too insecure (that's a turn-off). If your guts continue to say something, then you trust your guts. Be more assertive and show more confidence, if she's into something not kosher, then your showing confidence and assertiveness will give her a false sense of security that will eventually make her fail, and you'll be ready to catch it.

or as it seems, it's nothing, but.....Keep an eye on it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FloridaPool said:


> Dhfjdllsofiifhslsldo





FloridaPool said:


> Advice appreciated.


Google translate is not detecting the language.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I am still wondering about her "moist" text about the doctor though. How has that been addressed and what boundaries is now in place?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

FloridaPool said:


> She followed him on Facebook when they dated and never removed him there. Like I said she still follows her abusive ex-boyfriend that cheated on her.
> 
> I only had an instagram at the time of our discussion which is why I brought the fact that they still follow each other on instagram to her attention and she addressed it.
> 
> ...


Are you looking at FB from her log in. If she is following him, it will show up on her notifications when he posts. You can't see that from your FB log in page. You have to get on her FB page.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Hey, just following up after our couples session.
> 
> We went in and when the therapist asked how we are doing my wife stated that we are "doing great."
> 
> ...


If what she says is the truth then lets examine her actions - Why did she add him to all her social media , like some pics blah , blah and th ekicker NOT tell you ?? its nothing right ?? like i said actions dont lie people do


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Yeah I feel good about those things. Will for sure remain vigilant.
> 
> My lingering concern really is the "liking" of his photos and occasional comments which seem to be an effort to get his attention? or she truly sees him as a friend since it has been 6+ years since they had a very short lived relationship that didn't work out.
> 
> Some part of me feels like it was attention seeking as she struggles with self-esteem and often worries when women talk to me. It's possible she needed some affirmation from others to feel desired? Not sure, but I'm worried to bring up something that may be meaningless and seem like I'm stalking her social media and what she likes/comments.


Notice here what she did lik ehis pictures and in therapy said he ws nothing she never scrolled down far enough but somehow somewhere was able to like pictures... 
To me this is a lie the questin is why?

had we not know your side lik ethe therapist didnt we woud said hey 
1)she doesnt scroll down dont worry
2) she deleted them right away

Nowhere in this is liking his pics being addressed!! remember trickling downing the truth , the question again is why??


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> Also seemed kind of strange to me that she claims she doesn't communicate with him but knew he was living at home with his parents when their relationship ended after he moved to the city to pursue his culinary career 6 years ago.
> 
> Also, I only had an Instagram account active when I brought up my concerns and she unfollowed him on there.
> 
> ...


your not splitting hairs your following what your heart truelly knows is true.. 
ALready so many lies 
1)if yiu dont care about someone why you following them in all their social media platforns
2) doesn this contradict what was expressed in MC ?
3) If there was nothing to hid why she hiding the depth of her interaction why did she make the MC beleieve it was nothing again look at the actions.. 

even if lets say you have overreacted - why did she lie/not disclose how much she knew about him , liking his pics etc in MC.. why did she downplay it .. ask everyone on here this is what cheaters do make you belive you are the crazy one!!! Notice those who have nothing to hid stop at nothing to reassure and convince you by their acions theres nothing .. but cheater on no they just play it off like it nothing 100% of the time or make you feel crazy and second guess yourself and your left with policing them !!


MC about her actual


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

FloridaPool said:


> She followed him on Facebook when they dated and never removed him there. Like I said she still follows her abusive ex-boyfriend that cheated on her.
> 
> I only had an instagram at the time of our discussion which is why I brought the fact that they still follow each other on instagram to her attention and she addressed it.
> 
> ...


Given the fact that she knows it makes you uncomfotable is reason to remove .. hence the reason you are currently in MC .. thats what i mean Actions don't lie.. Look OP she knows how you feel why isnt she doing everything in her power to address any insecurities you have .. especially since in her own words hes nothing!! So what if she has an ex-from the past the question is why do you have it .. remeber cheaters are manupilative who knows maybe she kept it just incase you found out to say see i even have this abusive ex on .. i would be Exactly WTF do you even have them on !!!!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

@**********,

You wrote, *I was just thinking that too @TAMAT all the way through this. The word 'love' was never, or if I missed it, rarely spoken by her. The above is very 'functional'. *

Functional is a good way to put it.

I think when women don't have a strong attraction for a man or never did, there is a good possibility for the marriage to become sexless in the future. Even more so I've seen after menopause when a woman natural cycle no longer provides once a month horniness. If OM is in her mind her soulmate separated from her by fate and misfortune he might never really be her lover or her loved.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## FloridaPool (8 mo ago)

truststone said:


> Given the fact that she knows it makes you uncomfotable is reason to remove .. hence the reason you are currently in MC .. thats what i mean Actions don't lie.. Look OP she knows how you feel why isnt she doing everything in her power to address any insecurities you have .. especially since in her own words hes nothing!! So what if she has an ex-from the past the question is why do you have it .. remeber cheaters are manupilative who knows maybe she kept it just incase you found out to say see i even have this abusive ex on .. i would be Exactly WTF do you even have them on !!!!


Oh and I just found out earlier this week that she has actually known him since at least 2013. Previously I knew they had gone on a few dates in 2015 but I saw that he posted a quote about love in 2013 to his Facebook and she wrote the same quote on a notepad and tagged him in it saying “great minds think alike huh Rob?”

So much for it being short lived.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

@FloridaPool ... any update ? How are things now ?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

FloridaPool said:


> Oh and I just found out earlier this week that she has actually known him since at least 2013. Previously I knew they had gone on a few dates in 2015 but I saw that he posted a quote about love in 2013 to his Facebook and she wrote the same quote on a notepad and tagged him in it saying “great minds think alike huh Rob?”
> 
> So much for it being short lived.


 @FloridaPool 
I've read all of your posts and threads and I think it's time to stick a fork in it and call it a day.
You are being lied to and manipulated and sacrificing your mental well-being for a woman who only cares to do anything to help your relationship immediately after being confronted. 
She only admits to what you already know, blameshifts it to you and then you keep finding more. Trickle truth, blameshifting and gaslighting are about as far from honesty and truth as you can get.You obviously don't have much to work with here. You said in an earlier post 'it mimics the abuse cycle", sorry man, but it doesn't mimic it it IS the abuse cycle. Save yourself and move on. I think you and your son will be better for it.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

That last comment could have been friendly banter.. but I think you will need to sit down and recognize your coming from a distrustful point in your relationship.
A. She was tracking an ex
B she may not have been detailed about it
C shes made lewd comments about reacting to a co worker 
D she's mentioned she prone to cheating...

So I think your going to have to think through this..what would make you feel safe without making her feel like she can't be open about her feelings? 

I think alot of what your feeling here can be summed up in the book "not just friends"

Talks about boundaries, exs, potential romantic partners, co workers, friends etc.. like that male co woker she shared with about the personal history is a bad sign.

I think maybe starting here will take away her excuses about bad boundaries.

Just a thought.


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