# Separation counseling



## Arendt

Has anybody gone through "separation counseling" with their spouse to set up an agreement on boundaries and expectations? If so, how did the counseling session go, what happened afterward? Was it helpful? Did you have a check-in with the counselor at some later point to see how the agreement was going?


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## Conrad

Arendt said:


> Has anybody gone through "separation counseling" with their spouse to set up an agreement on boundaries and expectations? If so, how did the counseling session go, what happened afterward? Was it helpful? Did you have a check-in with the counselor at some later point to see how the agreement was going?


Do you guys have children?


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## Arendt

No. 

I spoke with my wife this morning, and my IC immediately afterward. She is moving out in May, and my IC recommended that we have a separation counseling sessions since neither of us have decided to file for divorce as of yet to 1) help set boundaries that can help relieve tension and assumptions about each other's behavior during that time, which can then allow each of us to focus on our own issues rather than worrying about the other's behavior, and 2) to help preserve the possibility of reconciliation, with no guarantees of it, nor is that the goal of the session. He advised me to suggest it to my wife at his recommendation.

I was wondering if anybody here had done anything like that.


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## Conrad

You're likely to get better advice here.

I wouldn't waste the money.

I think it's helpful when there are parenting issues involved.


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## Sincererlytrying

My STBXW and I tried it. Each session turned into an individual counseling session for her. I didn't get much from it. The counselor was pretty good and actually expressed his admiration that we were trying it. Unfortunately, my STBXW used each session as a forum to yell at me, insult me, and remind me of why she wanted a divorce. She even expressed anger over the fact that I was trying to fix the things she didn't like about me, moving on with my life and proceeding with the divorce and moving out like she requested. The counselor did his best to calm her down. The last session we had in July ended after 15 minutes of her yelling at me over a conflict in our divorce negotiation. Because of the yelling I finally told her to shut up and let me have a turn. She stood up screamed in my face some more and left. Spent the next 45 minutes talking with the counselor myself. (It's the same way our last marriage counseling session ended last fall, except I had been calmer last fall).

Basically, I learned that any attempt at couples counseling requires the commitment of both partners. In the prior marriage counseling and the separation counseling, she was never a participant or interested in working together to solve problems. I feel like I at least gave it my best shot and have no guilt over proceeding with the dissolution.


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## Bluebirdie

We had, before the separation during our 23 years together maybe 5 times (seasons)... then when we got separated, same counselor, but IC. She said to me to give time to him so he would "wake up"... so I did for a year... when he came and asked for divorce. I had one last session with her to ask What???? ... she said... I guess he got used to being alone and liked it  Going to another therapist now by myself.


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