# Husbands would this offend you?



## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

One of the only pay offs of going to bed alone is that I can masturbate when I have the energy *quite sad really*. Anyway, I've noticed at times when I need to relieve myself more often than it can strain my wrist and I've been considering plucking the courage to go buy a sex toy. 

If your wife bought a sex toy because of the lack of sex you both know is happening, would you be offended? I'm wondering if this would be like slap in the face?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

It would turn me on and just may be what you Guys need for a spark. Seeing my wife use a dildo on herself drives me nuts.


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## Happily Married Guy (Sep 26, 2011)

I can answer the question in terms of my relationship with my wife, because this happened. Our sex life is good, I think we are both happy with it. There are times with work, kids, etc that maybe we don't do it as much as one of us would like but I think that's normal. 

On a trip with her friends a while back they all decided to purchase a toy and bring it home to surprise their husbands. I wasn't surprised that she bought a toy, I was actually happy, I was even happier seeing the toy she bought, which was a rabbit. 

That toy inspired both of us and we now have a small selection of toys to pick from and our sex life, while not bad before, is even better now. I have asked her many times if she uses them when she is alone and she has said no until recently when she admitted to using them when alone. 

I was incredibly happy to hear that, I love that she enjoys the pleasure I can bring her when we're together but I also love the idea that she can bring herself pleasure when I'm not there.

Not sure if this helps, hope it does. If you want to know more just ask.


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> It would turn me on and just may be what you Guys need for a spark. Seeing my wife use a dildo on herself drives me nuts.


Wow! Ok that's an eye opener. When I mentioned it in the past he said he wouldn't mind but that he wouldn't want me to be using it so much that he wouldn't get a look in......._errr hello a look in would be nice in the first place_



Happily Married Guy said:


> I can answer the question in terms of my relationship with my wife, because this happened. Our sex life is good, I think we are both happy with it. There are times with work, kids, etc that maybe we don't do it as much as one of us would like but I think that's normal.
> 
> On a trip with her friends a while back they all decided to purchase a toy and bring it home to surprise their husbands. I wasn't surprised that she bought a toy, I was actually happy, I was even happier seeing the toy she bought, which was a rabbit.
> 
> ...


It does help to know you understand what's happening. Your family situation sounds similar to mine only you sound more mature and confident in the change it's made. I feel like I'd have to keep it a secret not to hurt his feelings/ego. 

Are both of your libido's on the same level that make your sex lives good to begin with? I feel like I need too much of it and that embarrasses me.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

How about the two of you go shopping together. SO and I do this and have a great laugh.

Instead of going your separate ways and building more resentment, get the toy together and then use it together.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I wish my wife would do this. First off it would turn me on if I knew she was doing that. As well, it would make it less of a big deal that I do it myself.


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> How about the two of you go shopping together. SO and I do this and have a great laugh.
> 
> Instead of going your separate ways and building more resentment, get the toy together and then use it together.


I suppose I could tell him I'm going and let him know he's welcome to come. I'm not sure he would do it though. At least he'd know about it.



gbrad said:


> I wish my wife would do this. First off it would turn me on if I knew she was doing that. As well, it would make it less of a big deal that I do it myself.


I'm really surprised you guys would be turned on by it:scratchhead:. The other day we did manage to get a hug and even though he squeezed my butt in a sexy way, when I suggested we go for a quickie he just wasn't feeling it and said he was feeling sick ffs. I'm so confused about this sh*t. 

gbrad what makes you feel the pressure? I don't get it. If there are rations anyway(not saying you are in this situation), what's the deal?


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

@*Holland:* By the way, a couple of months ago I picked up a vibrating ring not realizing that _he_ had to wear it. He did and when I told him in my shy excitement he was initially disappointed that I got it. I didn't understand why. Maybe it's the pressure thing? We did use it for a few minutes but not holding still long enough to feel the damn thing wasn't ideal!!


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> It would turn me on and just may be what you Guys need for a spark. Seeing my wife use a dildo on herself drives me nuts.


What he said.^

Basically, even when I was dating, by the time I was 22 or so, I sorta assumed all women have at least a good rabbit vibe (bare minimum).

Personally, I buy my wife toys or outfits or things like that every couple months. She is a bit shy about the toys, but she frequently buys outfits, lubes, or lotions. Maybe try buying a vibrating c0ck ring... those are a toy that is obviously mutually beneficial.


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

LearninAsWeGo said:


> Maybe try buying a vibrating c0ck ring... those are a toy that is obviously mutually beneficial.


Thanks...we did use it for a few minutes but not holding still long enough to feel the damn thing wasn't ideal!! How are you both supposed to get pleasure when you both keep moving from the spot? Did we use it wrong?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Would it be bigger then me? Imagine the shipping cost for that. LOL!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Would it be bigger then me? Imagine the shipping cost for that. LOL!


No charge?


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Would it be bigger then me? Imagine the shipping cost for that. LOL!


In all seriousness though joe, would it offend you?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

timeforchange said:


> In all seriousness though joe, would it offend you?


If we weren't having sex? Yes. As a tool for sex play ? No.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Holland said:


> How about the two of you go shopping together. SO and I do this and have a great laugh.
> 
> Instead of going your separate ways and building more resentment, get the toy together and then use it together.


That can be a fun date for the two of you. Go have dinner, then go to the sex toy store and shop together. They're fun. Stbx and I did that a few times. We shopped and laughed our @sses off. Then you can go home and play.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> If your wife bought a sex toy because of the lack of sex you both know is happening, would you be offended? I'm wondering if this would be like slap in the face?


If i'm not giving her what she needs then i can only blame myself, and this would only add to misery. If she is refusing sex and buys a sex toy, then relationship over. 

So, as far as i'm concerned, being a proudish southern european, and not a fan of sex toys, i can't see a positive spin to this. But plenty of guys (specially americans it seems) get off on seeing their partners with toys.

Does your husband like toys? what are the reasons for not enough sex?


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> If we weren't having sex? Yes. As a tool for sex play ? No.


Why though? Would you be intimidated even though you weren't able to meet her sexual need? Is it that none of you having sexual needs met is a better option in your eyes?


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> If i'm not giving her what she needs then i can only blame myself, and this would only add to misery. If she is refusing sex and buys a sex toy, then relationship over.
> 
> So, as far as i'm concerned, being a proudish southern european, and not a fan of sex toys, i can't see a positive spin to this. But plenty of guys (specially americans it seems) get off on seeing their partners with toys.
> 
> Does your husband like toys? what are the reasons for not enough sex?


No. Aside from me buying that ring, we've never used them. I have no idea why he doesn't want more sex. He says he likes my body and often knocks my attempts back.

I mean we have young children, our family life and relationship not working all add up however the sex missing is part of all that. I realized some years ago that he genuinely isn't as horny as me which is why I've felt embarrassed. I've confessed this to him but I think that puts more pressure on him to perform.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

If this is a long standing issue that he is fully aware how about you outright ask him? You think he can take the question?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

timeforchange said:


> Why though? Would you be intimidated even though you weren't able to meet her sexual need? Is it that none of you having sexual needs met is a better option in your eyes?


If she wouldn't have sex with me I would leave. I don't care if she gets a toy. Not a problem with me. If she was using the toy and not having any sex with me then yeah...I would be pissed. 
Are you asking if it would bother me if she used the toy alone? If so then no. Not at all. I am saying that if we were not having any sex at all and she was having sex with a toy instead I would leave. 
Not going to live in a sexless marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> If she wouldn't have sex with me I would leave. I don't care if she gets a toy. Not a problem with me. If she was using the toy and not having any sex with me then yeah...I would be pissed.
> Are you asking if it would bother me if she used the toy alone? If so then no. Not at all. I am saying that if we were not having any sex at all and she was having sex with a toy instead I would leave.
> Not going to live in a sexless marriage.


OP is saying that her husband is not meeting her sexual needs but he does not want to get a toy to take care of herself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Timeforchange,

You say that your husband is not meeting your sexual needs so I have some questions so we can get some perspective here.

How often do the two of you have sex? 

How often would you like to have sex?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> OP is saying that her husband is not meeting her sexual needs but he does not want to get a toy to take care of herself.


Sorry misunderstood her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Sorry misunderstood her.


So she wants to know from men if it would offend them if they did not meet their wife's needs and she got a toy to take care of herself when he was not interested.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> If your wife bought a sex toy because of the lack of sex you both know is happening, would you be offended? I'm wondering if this would be like slap in the face?


Erm, no

In fact, my wife has her own collection that we play with often.
However, if we were in a sexless marriage then it could be a problem!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So she wants to know from men if it would offend them if they did not meet their wife's needs and she got a toy to take care of herself when he was not interested.


Ahh. Well I would rather she got a toy then find another man. If he doesn't want to take her of her in that respect then I don't see what his problem is.


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> If this is a long standing issue that he is fully aware how about you outright ask him? You think he can take the question?


He's heard the question although rarely has an answer so I think I may be pushing him. I've said often enough that I'd like more sex.



joe kidd said:


> If she wouldn't have sex with me I would leave. I don't care if she gets a toy. Not a problem with me. If she was using the toy and not having any sex with me then yeah...I would be pissed.
> Are you asking if it would bother me if she used the toy alone? If so then no. Not at all. I am saying that if we were not having any sex at all and she was having sex with a toy instead I would leave.
> Not going to live in a sexless marriage.


@joe: to be clear, I'm not refusing it's more the other way round.

@EleGirl: It varies but about 3 times a month - if that. I get that only if I initiate it. Feels like I'm begging even though obviously I'm hungry. Think the last time was about 3 weeks ago so it could be even less. 3 times a week would be much better. See when it's so far apart, by the time we do it he doesn't last long and I'm having to finish myself off anyway on the times I don't feel too let down. I doubt that the toy would be that much better just that I'm imagining it would be a bit easier on my wrist.

The strangest thing is that when I called our marriage off recently and agreed to try again with help, we were all over each other like back in the day:-(.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

timeforchange I was in a sexless marriage, me HD him LD so I feel your pain.

Now might be the time to sit down and do some serious thinking about your future. A marriage should be fulfilling in all ways if not then maybe it is time to really end it.
I can tell you from experience that there is life after a sexless marriage. I am now with a man that I am sexually compatible with and life is bliss.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

timeforchange said:


> One of the only pay offs of going to bed alone is that I can masturbate when I have the energy *quite sad really*. Anyway, I've noticed at times when I need to relieve myself more often than it can strain my wrist and I've been considering plucking the courage to go buy a sex toy.
> 
> If your wife bought a sex toy because of the lack of sex you both know is happening, would you be offended? I'm wondering if this would be like slap in the face?


 I bought a toy last year, my husband got really pissed off about it. I mean really. We wouldn't have sex for months and he would watch porn and whack off, but i couldn't have a toy. I guess i was supposed to WAIT for him,(yeah right!) when he got tired of whacking off.

We even used to together a couple of times (which is the reason I got in the first place)


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## Happily Married Guy (Sep 26, 2011)

timeforchange said:


> It does help to know you understand what's happening. Your family situation sounds similar to mine only you sound more mature and confident in the change it's made. I feel like I'd have to keep it a secret not to hurt his feelings/ego.
> 
> Are both of your libido's on the same level that make your sex lives good to begin with? I feel like I need too much of it and that embarrasses me.


I think our libidos are similar, life gets in the way and we make due with that. If either of us needs to masturbate to take the edge off, that's fine. For me nothing takes place of the intimacy I feel when we are together and even though we've been together for 20+ years I still get excited just thinking about the next time we can be together. Marriage without that intimacy would be difficult for me. I'm not judging anybody just sharing how I feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

timeforchange said:


> @EleGirl: It varies but about 3 times a month - if that. I get that only if I initiate it. Feels like I'm begging even though obviously I'm hungry. Think the last time was about 3 weeks ago so it could be even less. 3 times a week would be much better. See when it's so far apart, by the time we do it he doesn't last long and I'm having to finish myself off anyway on the times I don't feel too let down. I doubt that the toy would be that much better just that I'm imagining it would be a bit easier on my wrist.
> 
> The strangest thing is that when I called our marriage off recently and agreed to try again with help, we were all over each other like back in the day:-(.


That's called hysterical bonding. Once he felt secure it ended. 

Your marriage is on the edge of being considered a sexless marriage. Two-Three times a week is not abnormal at all. If your husband is not willing to work with you to get to the root of his lack of sexual drive then you might want to seriously consider leaving the marriage.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage. I waited way too long to divorce him. It’s not worth the self-doubt and pain this causes.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> It would turn me on and just may be what you Guys need for a spark. Seeing my wife use a dildo on herself drives me nuts.


^^ This.

I think even if I started out uninterested, having this going on next to me in bed would change my tune fast.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like a case of he just ani't that into you.


what guy in his right mind would not want to see and partisipate in watching or helping their wife have orgasms.

people who don't want or care about what you like sex wise just arn't that into you.

pretty simple.


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## Pinkme (Oct 15, 2012)

Communication and being extremely open about this topic has been very helpful. My H actually just bought me serval toys that will be delivered today. He encourages it, he travels so he cant always be around to please me personally. However, we will use them together as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've caused my poor husband "performance pressure" when he couldn't keep up with me, so I bought my 1st vibrator & Dildo...trying to give him a break during that insatiable phase I was going through..... he was OK with that...

*But* he told me...he'd rather me use him every time - to please come to him -he'll take viagra /stiff Nights if he has to.... he knows , for me, there is no comparison... We both look upon masterbation as pretty hollow..... so although I used them like twice, they've never been touched again. 

I'm very happy he feels the way he does on this issue. If he didn't care at all, I'd probably start to question his desire or something. So whatever his reasons are, even if jealousy or fear I might enjoy a hunk of rubber over him (utterly silly)...this works for me!


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## Risc (Nov 3, 2012)

I have a question..

If your husband say catches you masterbating .. does he get excited and join in?

Or have you let him actually catch you ?

I wish my wife would play with toys..but she wants nothing to do with them ..says dulls the sensitivity of her clit.. personally i think using them together would be alot of fun 

So my answer is no i would not be offended


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

timeforchange said:


> If your wife bought a sex toy because of the lack of sex you both know is happening, would you be offended? I'm wondering if this would be like slap in the face?


I'm probably one of the few in the minority here. My wife isn't as horny as I am, and doesn't crave sex the way I do, so I would be a bit offended if she wanted a dildo for what I'm offering all the time. 

She has a couple of bullet vibrators, but I bought her those so I can please her when she's on her period, but if she wanted something strictly for penetration, I would be a smidge upset.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> I'm probably one of the few in the minority here. My wife isn't as horny as I am, and doesn't crave sex the way I do, so I would be a bit offended if she wanted a dildo for what I'm offering all the time.
> 
> She has a couple of bullet vibrators, but I bought her those so I can please her when she's on her period, but if she wanted something strictly for penetration, I would be a smidge upset.


Your situation is completely different from the OP's. Her husband is more like your wife.


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## timeforchange (Nov 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> That's called hysterical bonding. Once he felt secure it ended.
> 
> Your marriage is on the edge of being considered a sexless marriage. Two-Three times a week is not abnormal at all. If your husband is not willing to work with you to get to the root of his lack of sexual drive then you might want to seriously consider leaving the marriage.
> 
> I’ve been in a sexless marriage. I waited way too long to divorce him. It’s not worth the self-doubt and pain this causes.


I never heard of this before and wonder if in fact that explains what I was asking here

I also am wondering if actually I need to create a boundary around this because I am feeling like the end of our intimate relationship is here. Kind of makes a 360 on the opening question of the thread



chillymorn said:


> sounds like a case of he just ani't that into you.
> 
> what guy in his right mind would not want to see and partisipate in watching or helping their wife have orgasms.
> 
> ...


Maybe so and I have wondered that at times. My husband says that's not the case and there are underlying reasons that explain why he might not want to as much.



Risc said:


> I have a question..
> 
> If your husband say catches you masterbating .. does he get excited and join in?
> 
> ...


He's never caught me doing it because he's otherwise engaged. He says he likes to see it the few times I was confident to do it to help me reach orgasm during sex. 



coupdegrace said:


> I'm probably one of the few in the minority here. My wife isn't as horny as I am, and doesn't crave sex the way I do, so I would be a bit offended if she wanted a dildo for what I'm offering all the time.
> 
> She has a couple of bullet vibrators, but I bought her those so I can please her when she's on her period, but if she wanted something strictly for penetration, I would be a smidge upset.


Of course you would if she's not so keen on doing it with you but is keen to do it with a toy. I wish I could tell you what you would do to help but I'm in the same boat buddy and think I might have to be in it for some time:-(!


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Toys are made just for this situation. I love watching my wife masturbate, whether with fingers or toys or whatever suits the moment. No offense ever taken by me.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

ankh said:


> Toys are made just for this situation. I love watching my wife masturbate, whether with fingers or toys or whatever suits the moment. No offense ever taken by me.


Exactly...and my wife said she wanted to watch me the next time I masturbate.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

40isthenew20 said:


> It would turn me on and just may be what you Guys need for a spark. Seeing my wife use a dildo on herself drives me nuts.


:iagree: Watching my wife please herself is a HUGE turn-on!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Exactly...and my wife said she wanted to watch me the next time I masturbate.


I watch my SO, seriously turns me on. I have been hit in the eye though in the past so a bit wary of how close I get now :rofl:
He watches me and we use toys together, is lots of fun.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Need to wear goggles Holland, to keep the cum out of your eyes.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

timeforchange said:


> Thanks...we did use it for a few minutes but not holding still long enough to feel the damn thing wasn't ideal!! How are you both supposed to get pleasure when you both keep moving from the spot? Did we use it wrong?


Don't know if you used it wrong, I wasn't there.

What I do is slow thrusts and grind when fully in so it vibrates around the clitoral area. Don't know if this is correct but it works for us. My wife prefers the ones without ears as if I get too enthusiastic I can bump into her a bit hard.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

ankh said:


> Need to wear goggles Holland, to keep the cum out of your eyes.


haha think I will get a pair as a joke, no doubt he will find that funny.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Take photos and let us share in the fun.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

It would only be offensive if I was emotionally and sexually available and she was turning me down. I would think it was hot if she was using a toy due to her HD and I would invite her to use it during sex if she wanted.


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