# I'm having an emotional affair



## confusedgal78 (Aug 2, 2011)

I have been married for 5 years and prior to meeting this other guy, I thought I had the perfect marriage. I wouldn't have been able to tell you anything was missing, nor could I have admitting to being anything but happy.

Then I met L. It was a random business meeting that started with a lunch. That lunch was one of the oddest lunches I've ever had. The connection between us was palpable. That lunch was the first of the entire rollercoaster that I've been on. Before continuing to read this, I ask that you put all judgement aside. I'm asking for honest answers and opinions without harshness or cruelty. If you think what I'm doing is wrong, then please tell me, but I ask that you do so in as kind of a way as possible. I, too, am human.

Since that lunch almost two years ago, our relationship has developed into much more. I consider him my best friend. We talk constantly, have 'broken up to work on our marriages' more times than I can count, and have finally settled into a place where we are both comfortable. Although it can still be an emotional roller coaster at times, this is what it is.

I should point out that he, too, is married. He has two children at home (5 and 3). Both of us are committed to our marriages. I love my husband and don't want to leave. We have a great relationship, although there are some obvious things missing that L is able to fill for me. The same is true for him. He has no desire to leave his marriage or his kids but knows that he is getting something from me that he isn't getting at home. There has been no sexual relationship whatsoever, but we have discussed our strong feelings for each other. We have acknowledged that we love each other, but that we can't be together. My husband and his wife are aware of our friendship, but not to the extent that they are aware of how much we talk and see each other. My question is this: If we both are committed to our current relationships, and if the relationship that we have with each other is able to fulfill what we feel like we're missing at home, does that somehow make it ok? We've talked that our relationship with each other might actually be helping our marriages. 

If I were to take a quiz, I know without a doubt that I'm having an emotional affair, but I don't think it's taking away from my husband. What I have with L is something I never had in the first place with my husband. And I want to be with my husband, not with L. I'm not even sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here. Is there anyone out there that has been in my situation?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you just want validation and acceptance of this? I don't understand what you are asking or want...


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## confusedgal78 (Aug 2, 2011)

I really don't know what I want. No matter how I justify it, is it still wrong to be having an emotional relationship like this with a member of the opposite sex while we are still married??


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

confusedgal78 said:


> And I want to be with my husband, not with L. I'm not even sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here. Is there anyone out there that has been in my situation?


Unfortunately yes. What you describe is similar to what my wife said in justifying her EA. But by D-Day the EA had taken a shaky and unhappy marriage to near complete destruction. While I certainly had my faults, the EA colored her world in what she in her own words described as a fantasy. As the EA evolved the marriage dissolved. Words of affirmation, physical intimacy, sex all went by the weigh-side. After discovery trust, hope and commitment were the next victims. The recovery took years but never really got off the ground until after the EA ended in an ultimatum from me. Until he was out of her life, our marriage never had a chance in hell of recovering. I will not condemn you but will not condone it either. I have always understood how my wife got to where she was and accepted my hand in getting her there. But she did in fact betray my trust in her and even now that trust is not the same as before and never will be. It's very sad for me to think this way.

You are looking for justification for your actions, rationalizations in your relationship. You'll get none from me, even though I probably have a pretty good idea of your motivation. Move away from the EA and work on the issues you have with your husband. You and L both know that this relationship is not right and in the end, I believe it will only make your current marriages worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes. Its wrong. Its an affair. And you're both lying to your spouses about the 'extent' of your relationship. That says it all. Oh and you're not committed to your marriages for the sheer fact you are having an inappropriate relationship ... for two years now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

confusedgal78 said:


> I really don't know what I want. No matter how I justify it, is it still wrong to be having an emotional relationship like this with a member of the opposite sex while we are still married??


Of course it is wrong!

You don't seem to be ignorant of right and wrong. However, you also seem to not want anyone to tell you to stop this.

Well, I am here to tell you -- stop this!

If you haven't had sex with that guy yet, you are zooming in on it.

Are you looking for permission?

You won't find it here.

Read on these forums the level of pain cheaters inflict on their spouses. Read further about how cheaters talk themselves into how it is ok for them to do what they are doing.

Story after story of tragedy easily avoided.

Stop this drama and recommit to your husband. Tell him what you are doing. Yeah, you're afraid to be judged by him or even we complete strangers.

You are doing wrong by your marriage vows. Stop it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

confusedgal78, I think it not unreasonable to believe that we will come across others of the opposite sex and have very strong feelings for them even though we are married. It happens, it is life. Sometimes the feelings are very strong and we quickly become infatuated (strong but not usually lasting feelings of love or attraction).

We will only know if it’s an infatuation or a lasting love while we maintain the contact with the other person.

But you took vows, marriage vows. It’s quite simple really, either you believe in what you vowed to do or you don’t. You are good for your word, or you’re not. You could of course carry on with your affair and lose your husband. That is your choice. But I believe the “better woman” says no to these infatuations with other men as she goes through her life with her husband.

Say no. And be that better woman. And not just one of the women that your OM will have as he goes through his marriage with his wife.


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## confusedgal78 (Aug 2, 2011)

Thank you for your honesty. I think in my heart I know that whatever is going on isn't "right". I just needed to read the words from someone else looking from the outside.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

confusedgal78 said:


> Before continuing to read this, I ask that you put all judgement aside. I'm asking for honest answers and opinions without harshness or cruelty. If you think what I'm doing is wrong, then please tell me, but I ask that you do so in as kind of a way as possible. I, too, am human.


It is precisely because you are human that you will receive my judgment and scorn. When a pit bull rips a toddler's throat out, I don't judge the dog. It's obviously a tragedy, but the dog is operating on instinct. It didn't sit down, think about its feelings, the consequences of its actions and how the toddler would be affected, and then go ahead. There is no rational thought or consideration involved.

You are not a dog. You are a woman. You understand that what you are doing is the most damaging thing possible to your husband and your marriage. And you're doing it anyway. Shame on you.



confusedgal78 said:


> My question is this: If we both are committed to our current relationships, and if the relationship that we have with each other is able to fulfill what we feel like we're missing at home, does that somehow make it ok? We've talked that our relationship with each other might actually be helping our marriages.


Nope. You are damaging your marriages and your families. If your marriage is deficient, fix it. You are trying to rationalize the behavior that you know is wrong. It's very common. An alcoholic can rationalize that, if 1 beer is good for you, 12 must be better. I can remember friends in college arguing that they were actually better drivers after a few drinks.



confusedgal78 said:


> If I were to take a quiz, I know without a doubt that I'm having an emotional affair, but I don't think it's taking away from my husband. What I have with L is something I never had in the first place with my husband. And I want to be with my husband, not with L. I'm not even sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here. Is there anyone out there that has been in my situation?


There are many people who have been in your situation. You are in phase 1. Phase 2 involves intercourse. It may take you months or years to get to phase 2. But you should make no mistake that you are marching steadily and inexorably toward phase 2. If you weren't, you would tell your spouses about your affair.

Look at it this way. You said you know you are having an emotional affair. There is literally nobody who will tell you that an emotional affair is good for a marriage. Yet you believe that those millions of people are wrong and you are right? Give me a break.

Break up with the other man. Confess to your husband and to his wife. Stop having any contact with him. Focus on your marriage. Otherwise, one day you will be trying to explain to your husband how breaking up two families is actually a good thing.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Unfortunately yes. What you describe is similar to what my wife said in justifying her EA. But by D-Day the EA had taken a shaky and unhappy marriage to near complete destruction. While I certainly had my faults, the EA colored her world in what she in her own words described as a fantasy. As the EA evolved the marriage dissolved. Words of affirmation, physical intimacy, sex all went by the weigh-side. After discovery trust, hope and commitment were the next victims. The recovery took years but never really got off the ground until after the EA ended in an ultimatum from me. Until he was out of her life, our marriage never had a chance in hell of recovering. I will not condemn you but will not condone it either. I have always understood how my wife got to where she was and accepted my hand in getting her there. But she did in fact betray my trust in her and even now that trust is not the same as before and never will be. It's very sad for me to think this way.
> 
> You are looking for justification for your actions, rationalizations in your relationship. You'll get none from me, even though I probably have a pretty good idea of your motivation. Move away from the EA and work on the issues you have with your husband. You and L both know that this relationship is not right and in the end, I believe it will only make your current marriages worse.



This is pure gold. Listen to Amplexor. What you are doing will ultimately erode your marriage, even if that is not your intention. Just the little things like a facial expression or a sigh, etc, with your husband send messages you aren't trying to send. Just think about what your H would think/say about this. You need to work on your own marriage and its faults - go to counseling, whatever you need to do. Going outside the marriage to solve your issues is a recipe for disaster.

Your story in some ways is very similar to my W's story toward me. She fell in love with her friend, just like you have. When you do that, you leave a big piece of you out of your marriage. Your H isn't getting the best of you anymore, and that's not fair to him. Always fix your marriage internally or with counseling - never go outside. Going outside the marriage should be reserved for when the marriage is over.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

confusedgal78 said:


> Thank you for your honesty. I think in my heart I know that whatever is going on isn't "right". I just needed to read the words from someone else looking from the outside.


I guess you’re 33? Difficult age, phase you are going through. Only so much time? Romance your H and see what happens. Tell him you need loving.


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## confusedgal78 (Aug 2, 2011)

You guys have all been super helpful. I feel like instead of yelling at me and telling me I'm an idiot, you just put your arm around me and said "You know what you need to do" and for that I'm very grateful.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

confusedgal78 said:


> You guys have all been super helpful. I feel like instead of yelling at me and telling me I'm an idiot, you just put your arm around me and said "You know what you need to do" and for that I'm very grateful.


That is exceedingly manipulative. Reckon your H will be well shot of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How is that manipulative? I read it as her being genuine and not sarcastic. Unless I misread?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just out of curiosity---since your EA---started how much time a day do you give your H, and kids if you have any---and how much time a day do you spend with your friend---If its anything beyond 1 to 1000---then you are being inappropriate

You need to go NC with this guy--if you are not gonna tell your H---the extent of what you have gotten yourself into---then as I said---you HAVE to go NC----if for no other reason do it for any/all children involved in the mge


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I didn't think it was manipulative either.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Yes you do know what to do, what is right and what is wrong. It's why you posted here in the first place; you already knew. 

It is important to understand that by carrying on your EA, you're short-changing your marriage and not letting it be all it can be. It needs work, effort, nurturing, expansion. You want it to grow, let it grow - but help it. You're not giving it your all with your EA present, and it is NOT helping your marriage. Just the mental energy alone being misplaced hurts it, much less the effort of secrecy, the countless hours spent fantasizing, the building resentment that is sure to be bubbling under the surface -- all are shortchanging your H and taking away from what your marriage could be.

You talked about the OM filling what is missing at home -- what exactly is that, other than secrecy and the excitement of that? it's not sexual... you say you have a great relationship with H, with some obvious things missing. What are they; do they really exist? Can H not fulfill them because he is incapable, or is it that he's not aware anmd could do so with time, attention, and effort? Or is it that only an extramarital relationship can fulfill on those things....

Stop with the OM, yes -- and put that same time, effort, and energy into your own marriage, into your husband. At first this will be forced effort, and harder to do than it should because your H is not as attractive as the OM -- you know his flaws and realities in ways you do NOT know about the OM (although he has them, you just don't get to see them up-close in real life the way you do with your H). Consider MC is there really are reasonable needs he is not fulfilling in you, and get to the root cause of why you have looked outside your marriage for "fulfillment". IC if necessary... and to maybe help you deal with the guilt you may be experiencing along the path you're hopefully now on. 

Good luck to you, I think we as a group here are really pulling for you to make this work.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Think of it this way...

If you feel you're not totally fulfilled in your marriage, it's very possible your H feels the same way. What if he seeks out that missing piece elsewhere too. However, what if he chooses her over you and ends the marriage?

By not strengthing your marriage and focusing on any cracks in the foundation, it is only a matter of time before it crumbles around you. Don't flatter yourself and think your H is blissfully happy. He could be hiding his true feelings, hates confrontation, sticking his head in sand, and so on. Someday he could be caught off gaurd when a woman gives him the undivided attention you say he's not missing.

If your first impulse is to say, "My H would never cheat on me" then now is the time to open your eyes. If your marriage is lacking true intimacy, openness, and honestly, then you should realize he may seek it somewhere else too. 

There's plenty of stories of women who found out their husband was having an affair. Many would say the emotional aspect is more painful than the physical. Hearing that their husband of so many years acted like a giddy school boy with the OW or said things to her he never said to them... it happens. Just because your H is one way with you, doesn't mean that's who he is or wants to be in a relationship. 

Wake up or you may just loose more than your integrity.

I do wish you luck and hope you choose wisely.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> How is that manipulative? I read it as her being genuine and not sarcastic. Unless I misread?


OP did not say what her choice is. Very closed. Cards very close to her chest. She’s taken away the answer she wanted to take away. So pointless her posting in the first place.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

It has been said time and again, for good reason, a marriage only has room for two. If you want to pursue an open marriage well then isn't it only right that you tell your husband this? The other term is cake-eating, so are you willing to let your husband have his cake and eat it too? If you are putting your interest into someone else what does your husband even get out of being married to you? Or you can keep lying to him, deceiving him and stringing him along, it is not a very nice thing to do and WHEN he discovers he will be devastated, the most he will ever hurt in his life, all because of your selfish desires.

you ask: "If we both are committed to our current relationships, and if the relationship that we have with each other is able to fulfill what we feel like we're missing at home, does that somehow make it ok?"

and the answer is universally "no", unless you can be completely honest with your H and he is willing to have an open marriage. A secret affair can NEVER be beneficial to your marriage. (as a betrayed spouse this is one of those few times I can confidently use the word "never").


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Do you just want validation and acceptance of this? I don't understand what you are asking or want...



Sounds like a little bit of both to me. 

It seems that you have it already made up in your mind. But think of it this way. If it were your husband having this emotional affair and to this extent how would that make you feel. Will that be ok with you. Honestly. His wife would not like it either. Place yourself in her shoes.

No matter how you cut it you are playing with ppl hearts heart, the both of your marriages and families. Can you honestly say that it is worth the heartache it will cause. 2yrs is a long time. And even thought you say it has not gone physical the emotional attachment you have you two have with one another takes away from what you can have with you spouse. 
No I don't feel it improves or helps either marriage. They will not se it as a help. 
Please think about what you are doing.The pain and hurt, distrust and the world wind of emotions that come from a affair is so much more than you know.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> How is that manipulative? I read it as her being genuine and not sarcastic. Unless I misread?


:iagree:

She expected on thing (to hang) and instead she was meet with honesty. Firm Honesty.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I hate to bring this up but you must also consider that these things can turn violent. Two men have committed suicide this year that I'm acquainted with. Both had kids in high school. One committed suicide two days before daughter's graduation and three days before Mother's day. He shot himself in the heart. A couple of years ago a neighbors son tried to kill himself and his wife by trying to drive his pickup into a tree . She didn't get hurt. She had to bury him.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Are you going to stop seeing him, have no contact, and commit yourself to your marriage?

Or will you once again find your way back to him?


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

A true marriage is only between two people. It will never be right or 100% if there is more or less than 2. 
If this continues, you may find yourself looking back on 15 or 20 years of marriage to your H and THEN you finally break down and leave for this OM? Sure it's terrible now, but its been going on for that long with no end in sight, it's spiraling out of control, into something you are going to essentially lose control of if you haven't already. 
Oh what a tangled web we weave.... do you know the rest?

im 29/F married 7 years. In my book, a woman should NEVER go to another man for ANYthing she isn't getting at home, and same goes for a woman. Money, love, affection, a shoulder to cry on, help, advice. Are you even allowing your husband the option to fill this 'void' you speak of? 

Strange question, but that's my answer.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

confusedgal78 said:


> If I were to take a quiz, I know without a doubt that I'm having an emotional affair, but I don't think it's taking away from my husband.


So, since you are handling the emotional affair in a way that isn't hurting him, then you are asking if it is okay to continue? I think you left out a really big step, though. The only one who hasn't been consulted is your husband. It is possible that he took the wedding vows so seriously that he would be hurt and incredibly humiliated when he finally starts listening to the nagging doubts in his mind.

This isn't an issue of whether you can make it work out without hurting your husband. Thousands of alpha guys with six figure salaries try this rationalization all the time and end up paying alimony. Its an issue of whether your husband knew and was okay with marrying into this type of relationship. If the answer is no, then it is only an issue of how you define your own character and integrity in relationship to your marriage. When your husband finds out, this is the only question that will matter to him.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

to be honest with you... your in love with the kind of man that would cheat on his wife and love that kind of woman that would cheat onher husband... does that seem like a good man to you?

This man is not better then your husband and he is not fulfilling something that you are missing. You are just choosing to get these needs met somewhere else. Ofcourse you are not getting intimacy or flirting or love (or whatever) from your husband but you choose to get at work and dont even try to pursue it from your husband when you get home. Your husband cant love you, he cant fulfill you, he cant satisfy you unless you let him. I bet you dont even let thoughts of this man out of your head to let room for your husband to enter.

I bet you have watched countless lifetime movies were a man is pursuing a married woman and i bet you call him an a$$hole or a scumbag... but your in love with that kind of man?

When your 80 and sitting in a rocking chair at your nursing home all alone and looking out over the yard... you will be filled with regrets and you will see nothing but tears because of the horrible choices you have made. im sure his kids will thank you too...

oh no actually im wrong I am sorry... you and him are true love! your like romeo and juliet...you should keep living your double life.

Remember a real man forges his own path/life... he doesnt hop to somebody elses like a weasel...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

whammy said:


> oh no actually im wrong I am sorry... you and him are true love! your like romeo and juliet...


Romeo & Juliet did not cheat on eachother...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Romeo & Juliet did not cheat on eachother...


I think whammy was implying OP and her OM are "soulmates" like Romeo & Juliet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I got that part. I was just pointing out that their relationship did not have infidelity.


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## JulieC.A. (Aug 3, 2011)

Originally Posted by confusedgal78 
I really don't know what I want. No matter how I justify it, is it still wrong to be having an emotional relationship like this with a member of the opposite sex while we are still married??


Do to your husband whatever you would like him to do to you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JulieC.A. said:


> Originally Posted by confusedgal78
> I really don't know what I want. No matter how I justify it, is it still wrong to be having an emotional relationship like this with a member of the opposite sex while we are still married??


YES. Next question.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LOL


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The OP says "I really don't know what I want" but my thing is... she should tell her husband so he can decide what he wants. It's only fair.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> The OP says "I really don't know what I want" but my thing is... she should tell her husband so he can decide what he wants. It's only fair.


Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I love it when a plan comes together!!!

:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gold star for everyone!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jellybeans, Entropy3000, Cheatinghubby and JulieC.A. are all correct! You should tell your husband. If he finds out he will have a more negative opinion than if you hide it longer. Since you married him at one time you must have loved and respected him. Show that to him and let him know.

I can't promise that it will work out. Several of the forum posters have had varying experiences from spouse leaving and divorcing to fighting for their spouse to keep the marriage to not much of anything. I know from my personal experience that it was one of the hardest things that I ever did telling my wife that I loved another in addition to her. It worked out for me and it may or may not work out for you but at least you are going down the road of integrity and that road is where you will find healing and answers that will last.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

No matter what you say, cheating is cheating and having an emotional affair destroys your marriage. No matter how much you say it doesn't, there is no way you can give your all to your spouse and your marriage will suffer. Your spouse can feel that something isn't right. My h had an ea on and off for 5years, 6 months ago it went physical and my world has been turned upside down! Right now I don't see it working, I don't think I will ever get over it... he has ruined our 20 year marriage. Funny things is he said once it went phyical it stunk for him. It wasn't great at all. ha how do I believe that one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SeekingSerenity said:


> Funny things is he said once it went phyical it stunk for him. It wasn't great at all. ha how do I believe that one.


That's because the fantasy is always better than reality.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Excellent post, Mommy!!!!

I especially loved this part:

_"Someone mentioned that you should read the stories of how cheating has affected so many. I think you should take it a step further and read the stories of cheaters. Try to find one happy ending. There is none. The path you're taking will bring you nothing but shame, regret and guilt for years. YOur husband can forgive you and you can even forgive yourself but it never goes away. YOu never forget. You can never erase it. It's an indellible mark on your life. It will haunt you everyday for the rest of your life."_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That little ditty you wrote there that I copy/pasted is exactly how I feel! Hindsight is always 20/20 unfortunately! The OM in my case wasn't married/partnered but I can relate to the part where you said one day you'll look back at him as lacking integrity, etc (after beeing seen as Prince Charming). It's sooo true! 

I also want to save every potential cheater! You are so in my head! LOL :yay:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

mommy22 (your comment has a lot of meaning to me, as a betrayed spouse/husband). I don't know if my W will ever see her infidelity as you describe your experience, but I really think the part of the OM missing the integrity is something that was so hard to take about all of this. My W walked and was willing to settle for guys with no integrity, and even admitted that they weren't long term material, instead of trying to make it work with me. It was utter rejection and devastation for me to not even be able to compete with guys that are scum, and now I will be spending so much time alone and hurt trying to heal myself (and actually I can't really tell what hurts more the affair or the divorce - for me they are one and the same, but I think in her world they are two entirely different events that just "happened" in the wrong order).


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Guys/gals - pretty sure the OP abandoned this thread long ago.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

SeekingSerenity said:


> No matter what you say, cheating is cheating and having an emotional affair destroys your marriage. No matter how much you say it doesn't, there is no way you can give your all to your spouse and your marriage will suffer. Your spouse can feel that something isn't right. My h had an ea on and off for 5years, 6 months ago it went physical and my world has been turned upside down! Right now I don't see it working, I don't think I will ever get over it... he has ruined our 20 year marriage. Funny things is he said *once it went phyical it stunk for him*. It wasn't great at all. ha how do I believe that one.


Probably because after 5 years of build-up, the sex wasn't what he thought it would be.

My H had sex with the OW after 3-4 months of just the EA, he said it wasn't as good as he thought it would be. I'm sure the guilt and our sex life being great didn't help. Mind you, he still enjoyed it (what guy wouldn't), but he was expecting fireworks and instead got a sparkler.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

mommy22 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this. I know your hurt must run very deep right now. I hope time will heal your heart.


Thanks for the sympathy, though I'm defintely doing ok now. It stung bad for a good month or so, and it lingers on yet, but I have come to the acceptance part of the loss, and am learning how to let go. The pain has mostly subsided but is constantly being replaced with other negative emotions that I deal with as they come. I never was trying to paint myself as a victim, but it was hard not to sometimes, I'm just trying to make the most of my situation and hope to end up in a place even farther ahead than I was before all this happened. But I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment that affairs suck.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I got that part. I was just pointing out that their relationship did not have infidelity.


sarcasm... it was meant to imply that she is throwing her life away for a fake relationship with a little rat...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, major sarcasm. 

Got that part too


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mommy22 said:


> Thanks JB. It brought tears to my eyes to write it. I just wish I could shake sense into every cheater or those thinking about it. That will probably my mission for the rest of my life.
> 
> Cheating is such a devastation and such a breach in trust.


Nice job mom. :smthumbup:


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes, this thread is quite worthwhile. I read it anew regularly. 

I very recently found out the OM had an OW. It's devastating painful. Yes, he had problems I was well aware of (that I saw as being quite able to overcome), and yes, things were incredibly fantastic. That's why being tossed aside hurts so badly. I haven't told my H. I'm sometimes still find myself in a fog, longing for what I'm missing.

As I've read the board, I'm forcing myself to work on things with H. I even approached him last night, gently & positively, about marriage kindlers and how *we* needed to work on our relationship. He didn't get it for a long time, until I explained that if we don't it will evaporate in the wind. The response I got was a very wet blanket of extinquishers for over an hour. He even took my positive statements and made into a hammer for himself.

Yes! That's the way to help me desire you again, dearest! 

At least I know how he feels, right?

Scarlet


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

FWIW, on Sat we had a family play day. He had a difficult time joining us (traffic). When he got there, he sat away from me. I encouraged him to come sit with me. He couldn't figure out why he should leave his chair to sit on the blanket. If I have to explain it to you...

He did come sit with me, and stayed. And I did apologize to him for the pain I know I caused him last year over a certain incident.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Ask yourself one very simple question. If your husband was maintaining contact with another woman and they were just friends in love and you didn't know about it because he didn't want to hurt you because he knew it wasn't right and you'd be hurt - WOULD YOU BE HURT? If you can't talk to your H outright and tell him everything, it's not right and you shouldn't be doing it because YOU ARE HURTING HIM. You are sharing a part of your attention and love that belongs to him because of the vows you took. You need to be open and 100% honest with your H and tell him. You are having an affair and you owe that to him to be honest. Work through it with him and end it permanently YESTERDAY. Follow all the suggestions given repeatedly on here to show remorse and a desire to stay married. You have long tough road ahead you and your H a lot of pain. If you can't do the RIGHT thing, divorce your husband - quit hurting him.


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## idkwhat (Oct 21, 2012)

*dont know how to post a new thread, but found this one*

i know i am half way into an emotional affair, but i want to know from someone who can tell me when it MAY be better, because the marriage may be best to just let go of. 
I am in therapy. It's not making it any better yet. 
This marriage is a second marriage, 3 yrs, no kids except from previous marriage, and it seems to have gone cold. or I have gone in another direction and so has he. 
my emotional affair feels like it is my only lifeline, because of how stuck i feel in another failed marriage. 
I did not see it coming and I sure wasn't looking for it. I had just decided to do the best I could with my job and family and tolerate the distance my husband and I now have. 
what i realize-prob with help of the counselor who keeps asking me, 'what do I want?' is that i do not have any good, enriching, uplifting,supportive CONNECTION with my spouse, other than he is here. usually in the next room. 
and I am not pursuing my EA, but we work in the same field and when we are together we talk and it just feels way more supportive than what i am getting at home. 

what the EA did for me though, was put my husband on notice that something is not right in our relationship and we had better fix it, or i am about to hit the door.

what i also realize is that it does not mean my EA will work out where we end up happily ever after either. I suspect, which could be why I am stuck, is that it will probably end when my marriage ends and I will be on my own completely without any emotional support at all. 

i am not sure either if this will make me feel wonderful or horrid. 
one way or the other, i think i am ready to let the pieces fall where they may.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't revive year old threads. Go make your own if you want to tell your story.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

*Re: dont know how to post a new thread, but found this one*



idkwhat said:


> i know i am half way into an emotional affair, but i want to know from someone who can tell me when it MAY be better, because the marriage may be best to just let go of.
> I am in therapy. It's not making it any better yet.
> This marriage is a second marriage, 3 yrs, no kids except from previous marriage, and it seems to have gone cold. or I have gone in another direction and so has he.
> my emotional affair feels like it is my only lifeline, because of how stuck i feel in another failed marriage.
> ...



Start a new thread...Yoou will get ore responses too. Start a new thread an copy paste this post


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yes start new thread and we can help you find some others to read too.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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