# Just Needed To Speak About My Struggles With My Depressed Wife



## Kierkegaard (Aug 21, 2010)

Hello, I'm new here and just needed an outlet to express my struggles dealing with my depressed wife. I am not really looking for someone to solve my problems, although I am open to advice if anyone feels like offering it.

First of all, let me say that I actually feel kind of awkward as I have not really ever looked to the internet for this kind of thing before, but I really don't have any close friends and I would describe my family relationships as "comfortably distant."

The short version of my story is that I have been married for 5 years and most of that time my wife has been depressed (with various medications and some therapy). Over this time we've developed a relationship which is not very reciprocal - I guess you could describe my role as "provider" or "rescuer", and her as a "dependent." The crux of our problem is that I do not feel like I can communicate with her about these things because she will decompensate and will either do something rash (like leave) or hurt herself. I'm currently discouraged because after a rough year I think she needs a change in her treatment (medication adjustment and/or more therapy) but she seems content as our relationship stands and becomes exponentially upset when I suggest this or try to set something up, even if I have approached her lovingly or tactfully.

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I know that I just needed an outlet to express those feelings and thank anyone for their time.

Below I am writing a more expanded version of our history and problems, I guess as a sort of therapy for myself, since financially I'm not really able to afford counseling. ---


We met in college and became friends and eventually started dating. She had a handful of boyfriends in high school who had not always treated her that well and I had essentially never dated. In fact, my confidence in dealing with women was low and I was amazed that someone I found attractive actually liked me. Even though we had very different interests and backgrounds our personalities just seemed to click. We dated for a couple of months and then she said "I love you" and I got scared and broke up with her. Eventually, she and I matured and found our way back to each other, this time for good. When we married I had just taken a new job and she was there supporting me and loving me, encouraging me, cooking me dinner, etc. However, unfortunately this did not last very long.

I knew that she had been treated for anxiety as a teenager and I had witnessed a couple of panic attacks, but other than that she really did not have any history of depression. I do know that her twin sister suffered from an episode of major depression in high school and that affected my wife some emotionally. My wife's depression started about a month into our marriage when she couldn't find a job, which is something her parents had highly instilled in her (she needed to be able to support herself) and I think to a degree she expected to be able to find a job easily simply because she had earned a degree. I came home from work one evening and she was upset and stated she wanted to cut herself with our kitchen knives and had been sleeping excessively, so I made her go to a doctor and she was rx'd an antidepressant which really didn't do much and had to be switched a few months later when she became pregnant with our son.

I tried to be supportive so I handled the household duties she neglected after coming home from work, which at that time did not amount to much since we lived in an apartment. Even though she was depressed at that time we still were able to discuss most things and were having sex 1-2 times weekly on average (there were times I would have liked more and that caused some argument but now I would love for that to happen). I went into our marriage idealistically and influenced by my religious beliefs that a husband and wife should serve each other and give themselves to each other.

Her mood seemed to be somewhat better when she was pregnant although at the end she had some difficulties (went into pre term labor that had to be stopped twice). Also, we bought our first house at this time so now the chores had increased. At that time in our lives our plan was for me to work and her to stay home and raise our son since she couldn't find a job. After our son was born she really bottomed out with postpartum depression and had her medicine changed again. When I got home from work I immediately was in charge of taking care of him, which I enjoyed. As a young baby he still slept enough I was able to still have time to do the housework, yardwork (since we now owned a house) and have a little time to myself. Additionally, throughout our marriage I have basically done all of the grocery shopping and managed our finances.

When our son was about 7 months old and required a little more care I was hit with a bombshell - my wife admitted that she couldn't take care of him because of her depression and that at times she would just stick him in his swing so she wouldn't have to deal with him and could sleep. I knew she was ashamed of this and did not want anyone else to know, and I realized this went beyond what fatigued mothers usually felt. We ended up putting our son in daycare even though my wife did not work and it used up any additional room in our budget. Because of my work schedule, though, she was in charge of getting him there in the mornings.

She continued to get worse and had her meds adjusted once more. I found myself calling her every morning to make sure she got out of bed and took my son to daycare. Then, one day I couldn't get her to answer the phone, but that had happened before so I went along with work. When I got home I found my son had been sitting in his crib all day neglected. He cried like I had never heard him cry before. I fed him 3-4 bottles and cleaned him up and hugged him. I then went into to see my wife, who had been asleep 18 + hours and had to shake her violently to get her to wake up. I was so angry I just wanted to scream at her (something very out of character for me), but when she realized what had happened she ran to another part of the house and tried to hurt herself. I had to physically restrain her for about 30 minutes and reassure of my love. Of course, during this I had to shove down my intense emotions to ensure her safety and take care of my son.

Looking back, I am glad that he is too young to remember that and that he is now a happy, healthy 3 year old. I found out later that my wife was having what she described as a "psychotic nightmare that I couldn't wake up from". I know that event is a scar that she carries that she will not forgive herself for and reinforces her notion that "she is a bad mother." Of course, I have not told anyone else about this because that would destroy her trust in me.

After that I vowed to myself that I would always be there to take care of my son, even if my wife couldn't. My wife continued to get worse and was eventually referred to a psychologist who diagnosed her with something like severe atypical major depression with anxiety disorder. Many days I could not get her to do anything functional, so I would call in to work or leave work to make sure he was taken care of. I felt torn between my job (trying to provide for my family) and actually taking care of them. Eventually, about 9 months later this led to me being fired.

Of course, there are a couple of other dynamics here, too. When my son was born I started examining my life and came to the conclusion that I had never really had a great deal of vocational guidance (growing up in a small community with a limited worldview) and was in the wrong career, or the wrong area of it at least. I was a high school teacher but not a very good one. I had always been very bright and loved my subject matter but really was not that good at communicating it or connecting it with teenagers. Also, being able to maintain the discipline required and deal with the political/community aspects of parent organizations (I was involved extracurricular activities that were visible in the community and required a great deal of after school time) really was not a natural fit for my personality. In short, I loved helping others and learning and discussing in depth subject matter, but when it came to managing 50 kids at a time who could really care less, I sucked and ended up going through 3 jobs in 5 years to show me how much I sucked. Before all of this came to happen I had discussed with my wife how it was my dream to go back to college and maybe eventually become a professor, but she did not really show much support and even bluntly said to me "I don't think it would ever be worth it." After I eventually got fired I used this as a cover story with our families to protect my wife, even though it was only about half true. "I'm tired of teaching and wanted to try something different." I know that her family (who gave us financial support during my subsequent unemployment) and my family felt I was a fool for throwing away my job, but a large part of the reality is I was so ashamed at my job performance the last year (and I had ended up burning a lot of bridges with those who could help me find another job) that I just didn't want to be around anyone. I taught in the same small community I grew up in and probably disappointed and pissed off many I was associated with. Needless to say, this basically fractured my ego and made me not want to be seen when I was out in public.

About this time my wife finally got referred to a psychiatrist and actually had a good response when she started an MAOI. We were both looking for jobs regionally, and I was actually secretly excited about the prospect of moving somewhere new and getting a new start with new people. However, my wife soon found her first job basically where we live as a state worker. I decided that I would try to find a state job too since we lived near our capitol and that they are a major employer. I looked for other jobs continually, but I started testing and getting on hiring registers, etc.

I didn't think that finding another job would be so difficult (although I had a less than stellar employment record now), but about that time (June 2008) the economy downturned. As it turns out, I didn't get hired until April 2009, basically going without a paycheck for 9 months. Although my wife felt better, this caused a lot of stress for my wife who would yell at me and insult me whenever we got into an argument (I never do that with her, it's one my rules, I try to discuss the issue). I felt guilty for the load being placed on her (she was making about 1/2 of what I had as a teacher) and our families giving us money to pay our bills, so I didn't say anything and just took it. Although she was feeling better, she still was not really able to take care of our son on her own (or didn't want to, I'm not sure which) so working at Walmart or something with an irregular schedule was out of the question. When I did finally get hired for a job it was at at location approximately 70 miles from where we live. I took it hoping that I could do it until I became a permanent employee and then look to transfer to another State job closer to home. Every morning I get up at 5 am, get everything ready for my wife, me and my son, etc and leave when she gets up. I usually get home about 5:30 in the afternoon and then cook dinner, clean the kitchen, and take care of my son (give him his bath, read him his bedtime story and put him to bed). On weekends I do the laundry, grocery shopping, and mow our yard. Even with us both working now, our raises are frozen at entry level and we are struggling financially from the debt we collected when I wasn't working. I like my job okay but do not fit in socially and really don't see it as a long term solution. As far as any vocational dreams go, those are dead in the water and I'm not even sure what I want to do about that anymore.

The good news is, last October my wife's meds had to be adjusted again and she finally had that dramatic, therapeutic improvement. She started to help out with the housework and our son and acted like she did when we first got married. She stated that she felt like herself again and we even started to work a little on our relationship and abysmal sex life. After our son's birth, if I tried initiating sex I was usually met with rejection or anger, so our sex life generally consisted of the 1-2 times a month she really wanted it and even then generally it was mostly focused on her pleasure with her not being very active or giving. Last November she apologized to me for the pain I'd endured and said she wanted to get to know me again and serve me for a change. Naturally, I was delighted and optimistic. Then, we got thrown for another loop ...

My wife got sick at the beginning of December with fever and swelling, and the next morning we took her to the doctor who rushed her to the hospital for a staph infection that went septic. She was in ICU for a week after her blood pressure wouldn't come up after surgery. Of course during the course of this they had to stop all of her psych meds cold turkey to keep her blood pressure up and keep her alive. After she recovered, she restarted the same meds but for some reason the effectiveness never fully recovered. During the time she was getting back on them she was extremely irritable, screaming and threatening to leave and divorce me if she was upset and there was even a time she hit me during an argument.

Since then she has been staying awake sometimes 36-40 hours at a time and has restricted herself basically to work and then coming home and going straight to her computer (like TV for her). She is taking her medicine but by the weekend she is so tired that she sleeps all day and the cycle starts again. Her psych has prescribed two different medicines to help knock her out and even suggested over the counter meds, but she refuses to take them. She isn't really combative any longer, but she is irritable and restricted to what she's interested in (currently Dr. Who). She refuses to go back to the psychologist and will not let me go with her to her psychiatrist. I get the impression that her psychiatrist either is tired of her non compliance or she goes in there and acts like she is doing fine and he just says okay and gives her another refill. Recently I found she's been reading stories she gets off of the internet (with characters from shows she likes) that are sexually explicit, which makes me feel insecure and unwanted since our sex life is back to the 1-2 times a month. In fact, the last two times we made love after I was finished with her and was ready for "my turn" so to speak, once time she had a hip cramp/panic attack and it was over and the other she rolled over and said "her legs felt like jelly" and fell asleep. 

I guess I am at this point to where I'm tired and losing hope because it seems like she is satisfied with this half life and doesn't want to try to get better. She started coming into work habitually late and got formally reprimanded for it but continues to have problems getting to work on time since she stays up until 4 am most nights (we're lucky she is a permanent government employee or she probably would have been fired by now). For me it isn't as simple as tactfully approaching her or confronting her; if I confront her she gets mad/upset to the point where she does something rash or hurts herself afterwards, or if I approach her tactfully her negative thinking amplifies everything to where it isn't the behavior that is bad, she is inherently bad and will withdraw and stop doing what little she is doing (working, taking son to and from school). I've heard that it is almost impossible to work on your relationship while your spouse is depressed, and I see that reasoning but I am getting near the end of my patience. I don't believe in divorce - I would never do that to my son and deep down I still love her and know that I always will. It's just that out of the 5 years we've been married I felt I've had an equal partnership with the girl I fell in love with maybe 3 or 4 of those months.

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I'm sorry for writing such an epic, I guess that is what happens when you hold it in for so long. I know most people won't want to read so much, and that's fine, I feel better for having written it. I thank all of you kindly for all of your patience and pray for hope in all of your struggles, which I know are just as heartfelt as mine. God continues to keep me by his grace, and I have faith that he will give you provision in your life to meet your needs as well.

Thanks and peace be with you.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Are you in any support groups for those living with someone in your wife's condition? You walk a tight line in between being able to set healthy boundaries, and being a care giver. Too far off on either side of that line is going to create some issues for all involved. Learning the best coping skills for yourself and for your family is so important. If you can't afford counseling, contact your wife's doctor or local Catholic Charities and ask what resources are available to you.


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