# Opened Pandora's Box



## MusicAndFood (Mar 27, 2012)

This is my first post in this community, I have read some other similar stories so please forgive me if these issues seem repetitive. It will also be a long story because I need to take it off my chest and maybe when understanding all the elements involved in it I will finally find a solution. 

I met my couple online in the late 90s, we remained friends for 9 years before he traveled to my country and met me in a beach resort where we shared ten wonderful days together. He is 26 years older than me and during our chatting years we had the opportunity to tell each other our life stories. He married when he was 18 with a girl he met at the camping site where he stayed every summer with his parents, they shared the same love for the outdoors and group of friends and they married because it could be a reason to stop him from doing military service (no romance there). She was told by a doctor that her hymen was very thick and strong and that the first intercourse would hurt a lot so they postponed sex until they were 26 because she was afraid of the pain. This is an important story to tell in this post because it makes me feel he learned to live with a woman in the same house and not necessarily desire her or be more than friends. She cheated on him and they divorced, he attempted suicide two times after she left because he felt lonely and betrayed but after he survived he had some girlfriends and somehow a happier life. He often says he feels he didn't live or had much conscience before he was 30. He got a vasectomy because he never wanted to have children since he was a young boy (he didn't have an abusive childhood but just plain and unhappy). He met another woman and truly fell in love with her, they bought a house together and married. I think she is the love of his life. She wanted to have children so after some years she convinced him to get a vasectomy reversal and then the problems started because she was obsessed with getting pregnant and pushed him into having sex when her temperature changed. He got scared and stopped being intimate with her and then pushed her out of his life and asked her to find a man who could give her the family she wanted because he couldn't do it or feel he was harming her. They divorced and shortly afterwards he started chatting and dating online. He had many dates and girlfriends, one with whom he was for three years. One day she made a remark about the fact that he didn't get an instant erection when he saw her naked while "her ex husband did". He felt insecure and was unable to have sex with her until a trip where they were together and he felt liberated again. They separated because she didn't want to commit to the relationship and some years later we met in the resort (all this introduction about his past makes me realize he always had issues with sex in his previous relationships).

We fell in love at first sight and had a wonderful time together, there was sex everyday and some adventurous things we did because we were free and at the beach. I knew he likes SM sex and one night he told me maybe we would soon do something about it, I was eager to experiment it but also a little afraid, but nothing happened. We kept on traveling back and forth for three years, we met every 6 months because the distance was too big until I had the opportunity to study in his country and he offered me to move with him. I had the idea to study abroad and had other options but the decisive factor was to live with him and find out if we could be together forever. When I came to his house he was very warm and made me feel at home immediately, we got a closet together and he introduced me to all his friends and family who had already heard a lot about me. Around six months after I moved we were cleaning up the house and he came with a backpack and said he wanted to show me his toys. He opened it and it was full of SM toys which looked fun and interesting. My first reaction was of surprise because he hadn't brought this up for a long time but he was disappointed I didn't seem more interested or curious or asked what you could do with each thing. He kept them away and has never talked about them or taken them out since then. I feel I made a stupid mistake and that somehow this is one of the issues that may be holding us back now.

We have been living together almost two years now. He has opened up emotionally and we have shared countless adventures and wonderful moments. I feel frivolous to be complaining about his lack of desire when I have read other stories where there hasn't been sex for years, but in average we do it 8 times a month (yes, I count it and I know it's bad). I have noticed when he is relaxed during weekends or holidays things are very different; once we went to a trip and we had sex everyday at least once for two weeks, and when we came back the flame was gone. Most of the times he just wants to cuddle together like two old friends and when he caresses me I feel more like a pet or a daughter than a woman. There is no seduction or sensuality, just friendly tenderness and although I love it I also need the other side.

I have asked what he likes and wants but he never tells anything saying he is not used to openly discussing sex. One day I found his backpack with toys but he just kept it again and said he "needs to be in a special mood" to do something like that and that it will "eventually come" (I have an issue with that because I think things don't just "come" and you have to work for them). The reason that I want to try it is because I know it is his ultimate fantasy and I feel rejected and sad he won't do it with me. I feel when he initiates sex it is more as a duty than as a pleasure. I try to keep it in our minds by sharing sexy texts with him or images or emails or telling him what is on my mind, but it doesn't work at all.

I feel constantly inadequate, I know it just doesn't work to be candid and tell openly what goes through my head because he will always appear to be "shocked" or smile and change subjects or laugh and tell me to go upstairs and help myself (he has bought me many sex toys which I love, but now I question whether it is for fun or just to get me off his back). I know he never intended to hurt me with any of these actions and that he probably thinks it's funny and of course it can be funny sometimes but when it happens always and even when we are alone and close it stops being funny and becomes alarming and sad. I feel an overwhelming loneliness that he is simply not interested in talking about it and that somehow I have become the silly old perv who waits always.

He told me once he understood what it was like to be with someone who doesn't want it as much and that he had to learn to accept it whenever it was there and not complain. I did this for a long time, in fact it is what I still do: being available and trying to make him feel I am here whenever he has the mood but this only makes me feel worthless and somehow like a "pervert" or as if I were trying to have sex with a young innocent boy, because that is how he behaves most of the time in this respect. I also hate the complete loss of control I am subjected to, I don't know if it's selfish to talk about control but I am being completely honest about my feelings. I feel it's unfair I have to be available and wait for him to decide and know I have no saying in the matter. I feel frustrated and cut out and it doesn't help my personality is one of problem solving and seeking solutions.

It is also important to say soon after we met he was diagnosed with diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol and he has been taking daily medication ever since. I am aware these medicines can affect libido and I think they have because before he was interested in buying erotic films and downloading porn (which I love) and sharing with me but now he said he just doesn't care about it anymore. I know things have changed in his body because of his health and the medication he takes, and I know he has been very stressed at work, I am not blind or selfish to realize this but what scares me (in fact terrifies me) is the passivity with which he has accepted things have changed and his tendency to not discuss what is going on with him and how he feels. This only makes me feel more frustrated and lonely and angry because it seems he just doesn't care and just gave up but didn't even tell me ever he decided to do so. He never discussed these changes with me or asked me how I feel about them and in the end this is what hurts me the most, because I am part of his life and I feel I have opened up to him and let him come in and help me.

I love this man and enjoy my life in every way. I have a job now and things are going fine in every level except this. Although I want to be with him I have told him twice (one time around three weeks ago) that I cannot be with him and that "we're done". I feel this overwhelming anger inside and then I hate myself for that because I don't want to hurt him or myself. I write now because I feel I will explode and do more hurtful and unnecessary things to him and our relationship. There never seems to be a "right time" to talk and when it is there I do not seem to find the words to express myself in an assertive way, without hurting him or making him feel bad about himself. 

Many times when I have problems outside our relationship I desperately look for this intimacy tie, I feel starved for it and try to get him interested but as it usually fails I feel alone and desperate and in the end angry at the situation, at life and at him. This loneliness is killing me, us, and transferring into other areas of our lives. I hate it but it's inevitable and strong. 

Finally after thinking about all this for a long time I decided to write him an honest and open letter and he read it on Sunday. I felt perhaps it would be easier that talking face to face. We haven't discussed it yet because now I am afraid of what I will say and if there is a way forward with all this hurt and frustration. I wrote because I feel he really should stop procrastinating and be honest with himself and with me about what is happening to him. I believe sex, love and intimacy are things to be enjoyed and shared, not to become elephants in the room. I am so depressed right now and exhausted I couldn't even leave the bed today. I need some help please.


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## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

You’ve done the right thing in confronting him with the issues you’re having. If he still does not make an effort or show any interest in addressing these issues then you have some hard decisions to make. 

You have to decide if this is something you can live without. If the relationship you have is enough without the sex to make you and him happy. If not then you should think about moving on. 

If you stay in a relationship that is not giving you what you need then the animosity grows and you’ll end up hating him and in the end not only will you not have the sex but you won’t have the relationship either. 

As long as you’ve made your position clear so that he knows what you’re feeling and how the sexless thing is affecting you, then the balls in his court.

Good luck to you! I do hope thing work out.


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