# Different Perspectives



## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

I want to take advantage of the episode I’m going to write, to better understand the human mind, and the difference (if any) between the way of thinking of men and women.
The fact: I cheated on my wife. I know; what I did was horrible and I have no forgiveness of God (neither of women I guess).
We have nearly 30 years of marriage, as in many other marriages we were won by indifference after all this time. It was then that I came across with an ex-girlfriend from youth, things were escalating… well, making the long history short, my wife found out. 
After the logical first impact, I managed to appease her. It was until she saw an email where she suggests that one night we made love in our room, in our bed. It was then that my wife was won by the fury and nothing can diminish it.
To my way of seeing things, the big sin is the unfaithful itself regardless of the place where this takes place. So for me it is a little weird that she has digested the infidelity but do such great deal by the place where the fact was consummated.
So the question is: Am I the only one that thinks the place is unimportant and the only thing that should count would be the fact? Is she the different for thinking totally opposed? Or is it a matter that depends more on the person’s gender?
How do you see this?


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

My perspective might be a little different. If my wife ever cheated on me I would never forgive her (or maybe a better way to put it, I would forgive her by ending our marriage at that moment). If the roles were reversed I would just pack my bags and move on, I don't think I could ask for forgiveness. 

In terms of your situation, I would probably have to side with your wife. Your room, your bed, I would view it as sacred. Bad enough you cheated, but to be willing to do so in your wife's bed just adds insult to injury. Her room/bed will serve as a reminder to her every single moment there of what happened (or could have happened).


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You might be alone in your assessment. If my wife had an affair, I'd be pissed. If she nailed some guy in our bed, the offense would be compounded greatly. One is a trespass on the marriage. The other is a trespass on the marriage and on the home. One's home is their refuge from everything bad in the world. Take that away from them and they have no location of peace and solace. If you screw around, you are tainted. If it happens in her home, her entire environment is tainted. She can't even ditch you to escape it. Every time she goes to bed, in the most intimate part of her home, she's entering the crime scene.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

OMG, I don't believe you are asking this question. Let me be clear to you as a betrayed spouse. When my husband and I was looking for a house, my H was into logistics. For example, how old is the house, the roof, the water heater, etc. For me, I had vision of a home where I'll be able to fill with memories of all the milestones of my children lives, family gatherings, Christmases, Thanksgiving, etc. For most women IMO, the house is more than its collections of wood, cement, carpets etc, it's a living expression of my love for my family and the intimacy I share with my H. Not only did you betrayed her, you desecrated her home. Can you imagine how much pain you've dealt her by f***ing some other woman in the bed she shares with you. Every time she opens the door to her home, she will be bombarded with how little regard you had for her and the marriage. If I was her, I'd take a can of gasoline with a match and torch the place. I would place a bet that the woman who you f****ed in her bed knew exactly what this would do to your wife. I'm disgusted and can't write anymore.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Different people will feel differently about this. No one else'e feelings change how *she* feels. 

For me, cheating is the big step. Where, when, what specific acts is all very secondary. 

I'm a very strong believer in "forgive or leave". The choice is hers. If she can truly forgive you, then you can stay married. OTOH if she cannot (and she has every right not to), then you are BOTH better off leaving. I see no value in a relationship with someone who's actions you (reasonably) resent.

From your end, all you can do is apologize and not do it again. It is her choice whether or not to forgive, and I would not fault her for either. If she forgives, then you should never cheat again. If she does not, then you should accept the divorce and any reasonable terms she requires.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tossing out an unfaithful husband is one thing, but in his case, she'd have to get rid of her home, the bed, the bedding, as well. He brought some other woman into the very most intimate area of her refuge.


----------



## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

Well, so far only Richardsharpe seems to approach to my way of thinking. All of you coincide with the way of thinking of my wife.
So being reasonable, I must surrender to the evidence and admit that my way of seeing things is wrong, or at least I must to admit that most of the people think differently to me.
Ahhh... and for you hate me a little less, I quoted what I said in the first post:


cosquin said:


> It was until she saw an email where she suggests that one night we made love in our room, in our bed.


The fact that she has suggested it, does not mean necesarily that you have to assume the fact really was so.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So your wife screwing another man in your bed in your home wouldn't be a big deal for you?

What kind of trash screws a married person in the marital bed? Your ex sounds like a real catch. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Burn the bed!! This isn't obvious? It's like your wife screwing some other guy in your car/truck.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't believe most men have an emotional bond to a place or thing like most wives have with their home.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I don't believe most men have an emotional bond to a place or thing like most wives have with their home.


I think that most men would go ballistic if they found out that not only had their wife cheated, but she did it in their home, their bed.

I've seen plenty of posts on here about that happening.. the men tell the BH to throw out the bed and get a new one.


----------



## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> So your wife screwing another man in your bed in your home wouldn't be a big deal for you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I repeat; to me the big deal would be she screwing another man. The place where it was done is unimportant. 
That is as I see this fact, and the reason I posted was to validate how many share my point of view.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

cosquin said:


> I repeat; to me the big deal would be she screwing another man. *The place where it was done is unimportant. *
> That is as I see this fact, and the reason I posted was to validate how many share my point of view.


To you it is unimportant because you have no respect at all for you wife. The marital bed should be a scared place. 
Sounds like you are trying to blame your wife for the fall out of the disgusting thing you did. I hope she can move on to a better life with a far better man.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cosquin said:


> I repeat; to me the big deal would be she screwing another man. The place where it was done is unimportant.
> 
> That is as I see this fact, and the reason I posted was to validate how many share my point of view.


The big deal to your wife is that you were screwing another woman. Believe me that's it.

But her finding out that you had that woman in her house and in her bed is the straw that broke the camel's back.

What exactly is the point of this thread? Are you upset because your wife did not react strongly enough for your liking when she first found out that you cheated? 

Or is it to validate that your wife is wrong? 

She's not wrong. Whatever she feels is right for her. Until your realize that your wife's feelings are valid and that you need to put them ahead of anything right now... assuming that she has not left/dumped you.


----------



## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What exactly is the point of this thread?


The point of this thread was to see if for other people the place where the fact was done, was as imortant as my wife said, because to me the important thing is the fact itself and not the place. 
According with the answers so far, I already saw that most of the people think I'm wrong.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

cosquin said:


> The point of this thread was to see if for other people the place where the fact was done, was as imortant as my wife said, because to me the important thing is the fact itself and not the place.
> According with the answers so far, I already saw that most of the people think I'm wrong.



In her home she shares with you in the bed she shares with you...Yes, it matters. If it were a hotel / outside in the woods / somewhere OTHER than your home....specifics probably wouldn't matter. 


However, the utter disrespect shown by bringing another woman into your bed, is unbelievable. It just tells your wife that you REALLY don't give a flying rat's @ss about her at all. Now every time she tries to lay her head on the pillow, she pictures you having sex with the OW RIGHT where your wife lays. 

It's a big deal.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> In her home she shares with you in the bed she shares with you...Yes, it matters. If it were a hotel / outside in the woods / somewhere OTHER than your home....specifics probably wouldn't matter.
> 
> 
> However, the utter disrespect shown by bringing another woman into your bed, is unbelievable. It just tells your wife that you REALLY don't give a flying rat's @ss about her at all. Now every time she tries to lay her head on the pillow, she pictures you having sex with the OW RIGHT where your wife lays.
> ...


People do not do these sorts of things 'accidentally'. When a person brings an affair partner into their home and has sex with them on the marital bed it's a message to the betrayed spouse. The message is 'F-You'. It's a way of making sure that the affair debases the betrayed spouse as much as possible.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> People do not do these sorts of things 'accidentally'. When a person brings an affair partner into their home and has sex with them on the marital bed it's a message to the betrayed spouse. The message is 'F-You'. It's a way of making sure that the affair debases the betrayed spouse as much as possible.


You might be giving guys too much credit. There may be no hostile intent toward the wife at all. Maybe, just simple disregard and maybe that's only temporary disregard. If there's a handy, reasonably comfortable surface and someone to get laid with, not much more thinking may be involved. I know men who would use the bedroom in their home for no more reason than it's $50 cheaper than Motel 6.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> You might be giving guys too much credit. There may be no hostile intent toward the wife at all. Maybe, just simple disregard and maybe that's only temporary disregard. If there's a handy, reasonably comfortable surface and someone to get laid with, not much more thinking may be involved. I know men who would use the bedroom in their home for no more reason than it's $50 cheaper than Motel 6.


That still shows a severe lack of respect. I don't know, it's just something you should know better than to do. Obviously having an affair is one of those "You shouldn't do that" things, but to then bring the affair into the shared home? That's wrong a level higher than the affair itself because the affair partner was there in the wife's personal space. 

I really don't think people "forget" that it would be severely wrong. I think they think about it, and they don't care enough to say no.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

maritalloneliness said:


> OMG, I don't believe you are asking this question. Let me be clear to you as a betrayed spouse. When my husband and I was looking for a house, my H was into logistics. For example, how old is the house, the roof, the water heater, etc. For me, *I had vision of a home where I'll be able to fill with memories of all the milestones of my children lives, family gatherings, Christmases, Thanksgiving, etc. For most women IMO, the house is more than its collections of wood, cement, carpets etc, it's a living expression of my love for my family and the intimacy I share with my H.*
> 
> *Not only did you betrayed her, you desecrated her home. Can you imagine how much pain you've dealt her by f***ing some other woman in the bed she shares with you. Every time she opens the door to her home, she will be bombarded with how little regard you had for her and the marriage.* If I was her, I'd take a can of gasoline with a match and torch the place. I would place a bet that the woman who you f****ed in her bed knew exactly what this would do to your wife. I'm disgusted and can't write anymore.


This post SPEAKS it all..this is how I WOULD FEEL.... would not be able to get past this.. Is anything sacred anymore??

One should honor "the marriage bed" ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You might be giving guys too much credit. There may be no hostile intent toward the wife at all. Maybe, just simple disregard and maybe that's only temporary disregard. If there's a handy, reasonably comfortable surface and someone to get laid with, not much more thinking may be involved. I know men who would use the bedroom in their home for no more reason than it's $50 cheaper than Motel 6.


Here is the thing... how do you think those same men would act if they found out that their wife was having and affair, bringing her OM to his house and screwing the OM in the martial bed?

He'd go through the roof. I have yet to see on thread on TAM and not other marriage sites I've posted on in which a man did not go through the roof if their WW did this.. it was the 'icing on the cake', the 'last straw', the 'ultimate humiliation'.

I have not doubt that those same guys would care a LOT if their WW did that. So they know the significance of betraying their wife in her home and in her bed.

.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

cosquin said:


> The point of this thread was to see if for other people the place where the fact was done, was as imortant as my wife said, because to me the important thing is the fact itself and not the place.
> According with the answers so far, I already saw that most of the people think I'm wrong.


When my H cheated, I am/was devastated. For me, I think it would have been slightly easier to cope if it was some faceless, nameless woman. Yes, the fact that he cheated is what is more important but the fact that it was with my SIL, a woman who I considered family made it that much worst for me. So for your wife I'm sure the fact that you cheated at all is her utmost importance but in her bed just added gasoline to the fire!


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Infidelity is itself disrespectful to the spouse. It can be an even greater disrespect depending on circumstances. Doing it in the marital home or even in the marital bed does make it much worse in my opinion.

It could even be looked at as an overt act of aggression towards the spouse to have done it in the marital bed.


----------

