# Googling secretary's name



## dzz (Apr 24, 2014)

Since getting an iphone, my husband and his phone have become inseparable. He takes it to the bathroom, sleeps with it under the pillow, checks it constantly - date night, dinner, in bed, whenever. It really bothers me and he knows it, but nothing seems to change.

One night I rolled over and found him sleeping with his hand still on the screen. That's when I realized he was visiting revenge porn sites while laying next to me in bed. Another night, he fell asleep again while looking at his phone. He was googling his secretary's name - apparently looking into whether or not she had a twitter account, facebook, whatever. The history here is that during a firm holiday party (after he had been with the firm only a year), he got sloppy drunk and spent a good portion of the night hitting on his secretary. He even walked her home. This party did not include spouses and throughout the afternoon and into the evening I got one message after another saying he would be staying later and later. In the end I bundled up our three year old and set out to pick him up from the bus station at 10:30 pm (the "party" started at 1 p.m.). He was ridiculously drunk and wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He even sang a song about how he wasn't wearing it. Thankfully our daughter was asleep at the time and didn't experience the horrible evening that ensued. He was at his absolute worst. Eventually, he apologized and said that he felt horrible knowing he had behaved inappropriately with someone other than his wife. He said "I know you shouldn't pi$$ where you work. I know better!" - my first thought was this: how about knowing you shouldn't pi$$ all over your wife and your family? How about that? Anyway, she wasn't interested and was probably creeped out by the situation, but I keep thinking, what would have happened if she wasn't? And now, after having a serious heart to heart and getting our relationship back on track, I see he is creeping around on the internet trying to learn more about her. Not that it should matter, but the woman is a very pretty young woman, too.

I had a feeling something was off and asked him if he was truly happy. He said he was and that he had never "felt more committed to our relationship" than he does now. I said I felt like he was bored and that if the opportunity presented itself, he would have an affair. He thought about this for a second too long and said "I think you have to have temptation to do that and I can't think of any temptations I have right now." Does that sound like a good response to you? It didn't leave me feeling warm and fuzzy, that's for sure. Later he got a little more animated and said "Honey, I would never do that. I love you and our life and I see enough on the internet to know affairs always turn ugly." 

Still, the same night he ended up doing internet searches on his secretary. I'm feeling pretty low.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Weightlifter is the chap here with the details of what you need to do. Hopefully he will be along, soon.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Ignore what he says. Watch what he does.


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## dzz (Apr 24, 2014)

I should add that when our daughter was seven months old he lost his job and went through serious depression. One night he got extremely drunk (this is very rare - like an annual thing) and told me he didn't love me or our daugther and he wanted to live on his own and do whatever he wanted. He spent the night talking to a woman from his former firm with whom he had an emotional affair. He was in our basement and I could hear him talking about every problem he perceived in our marriage. Meanwhile, I was trying to care for our baby upstairs. That was a bad night, too. In the end, she stopped talking to him and eventually their "friendship" fizzled out (she stopped returning his calls, emails, FB messages). Now he has nothing good to say about her and tells me he feels bad about that time, but that it was a stressful period in our lives and he felt unappreciated. I felt unappreciated, too - I was working full time and taking care of our newborn almost entirely alone while he slept and stayed on the internet every free moment of his day. When he became unemployed, he would drop our daughter at my parents house for the day and nap and do whatever it is he wanted to do on the internet - which I'm sure involved more than applying for work. 

He promised me that situation would never happen again, but three years later, we had the Christmas party incident. When I met this man, I had been burned by a previous boyfriend who took up with another girl while he was away at school - I turned into the "at home" or "vacation" girlfriend until he decided what he wanted, which wasn't me. My husband assured me that he wasn't like that and that not all men are. He was a good man and I trusted him, loved him, and married him. I've been with him through layoffs (his), institutionalizations (his), nervous breakdowns (his), modified my career and work schedule to accommodate his own career (and was still promoted twice in spite of that), and supported him while he got his law degree for three years before we married. I feel utterly betrayed. I really think he would take off in a heartbeat with another woman if he was attracted to her and she showed any amount of interest.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Following along because our situations are parallel and strikingly similar. I wish I had answers for you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You need to gather some more information. But while you're doing it you also need to consider what you'll do when (not if) you find that the worst is true. 

From your two posts this man is not going to be the lasting love of your life. In fact, he won't be the lasting love of anyone's life if your descriptions of his behavior is accurate. 

You should inform yourself about what it takes to obtain a divorce. Keep an eye on your finances if you aren't already. It would not be unheard of for there to be a steady drain of funds from your accounts. 

Keep looking/gathering evidence and prepare yourself emotionally and mentally for the worst.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

This does not sound good at all. I recommend securing your assets and protecting yourself legally. 

Your husband has some very serious issues and until he addresses them seriously and in earnest you run the risk of being very hurt by him. You should protect yourself. I don't think you can expect to change him so you should start asking yourself how much you can tolerate from him. 

Don't expect to change him. If you can't live with what he is you should seriously start considering putting yourself first, for a change.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

dzz said:


> and told me he didn't love me or our daugther


I could forgive someone saying they no longer love their spouse, sh1t happens. 

But saying you don't love your child is f_cking despicable, I don't care how drunk he was.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Affair or not the guy sounds like a tool. Didn't love you or his child? Time to jettison him and find a real man.


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## tuborg (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree with the general consensus here. 

Imagine if your daughter overheard him say that...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When a person is drunk they often do not mean what they say or do. But there are always consequences to what they say or do. A drunk who drives and kills a person more likely then not will end up with a prison sentence. A drunk who spews hateful things will suffer the consequences of those words.

I imagine there is more to this story then you know.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

A history of EA and attempted PA. Sorry to say this, and it is rhetorical, but how much do you NOT know about?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> *When a person is drunk they often do not mean what they say or do.* But there are always consequences to what they say or do. A drunk who drives and kills a person more likely then not will end up with a prison sentence. A drunk who spews hateful things will suffer the consequences of those words.
> 
> I imagine there is more to this story then you know.


I thought a drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I thought a drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts.


The science on this is not clear. I think it would be a hoot to get people drunk before they testify in court and see if alcohol is really a truth serum.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It doesn’t turn into truth serum on the stand but it does make their stories much more creative as I can attest to when my mother showed up drunk for court.

But to get back to this persons problem, he has seemed to have formed some sort of dreamland or fantasy about her and clearing it is progressing in his mind. It sounds like he is trying to escape to avoid some issue rather than facing the issue. As usual actions speak louder than words and while he is saying the politically correct things his actions are showing something else. If you have access to the phone records start to check and see if he is texting a number quite often and see if he is pushing his curiosity.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I thought a drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts.


Yep, I do believe in what you say, I do believe the truth comes out when your drunk.... I have seen it many many times, I have also been guilty of this many times, but not relationship stuff, just other stuff.

Not going to go into much detail, but i blamed myself for years over a death in my family, and sober i was fine, but drunk, it always came flooding out..... I have also seen other issues too with other people, I do believe that when you are drunk, people are much more truthful..... anyway enough of me

OP, your husband is disrespecting you, and i do believe deceiving you too. Also telling you that he does not love you and the even worse part, telling you that he does not love your daughter, How could anybody say that??.

Among other things, the phone issue, going to bed with his phone, never letting him leave his side, guarding it just proves hes hiding things..... what with him and the secretary thing, googling stuff about her, getting drunk flirting and chatting her up all night, shows that he cant be trusted, and he has it in him to be unfaithful..... Hes not committed to your relationship i believe he will cheat, If he has not done so already.... I believe hes just settling, maybe until something better comes along.

You ask him questions, them not being answered right away, he should not have to think whether hes going to stay faithful or not, or whether hes got it in him to cheat.... hes not making you feel sure, and by what you say, I believe its only a matter of time before he does cheat, Unless like i say hes doing it already.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

OP I don't know what you are waiting for. No matter what other poking around you do, investigating his phone more or his internet history... you know the truth because he TOLD you. He doesn't love you or his daughter and not only has he told you he has shown you in countless ways. 
The way he continuously degrades you and the marriage is shameful yet he doesn't show any genuine remorse then repeats the same sh!tty behavior.
I am so sorry you are in this awful position, your story is one you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. 
Please get you and your baby away from this 'man'.


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