# Reconciled after infedelity but still no sex



## hibiscus

My ex cheated on me in July 2012. After five rollarcoaster months, I decided to give him a second chance to prove that he can be trusted again. 
Two months later we are laughing together again, making future plans and generally getting on really well. We have had a couple of councelling sessions which has bonded us even more.
But there has been no sex since we reconciled! He can't seem to perform because of his guilt and shame of hurting me he says.
I have asked him a couple of times why he has lost interest and he swears it a mental block he has which will disappear once he feels more relaxed around me.and the more I talk about it, the more pressure he feels. Sigh. It's frustrating on my part as I really want to bond with him again like that. We had a great sex life before he cheated ..,How long should I wait?! 
Anyone been in this situation?


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## Dewayne76

I'm no pro. 

My opinion / first thought: Are you SURE he's not doing anything with anyone else? Be honest with yourself here. If so (sure he's not) read on...

Have you tried not ASKING him, and just busting out some moves? Come on, get creative, watch a few movies, get some good ideas. Plan a good night, then seduce the ever living sht outta him and see waht happens. Sometimes talking, talks people out of things, out of fear. 

I don't know though. I'd think that there shouldn't be a problem having sex, but than again, everyone's different. It may be legit, if you think it is, try to be patient with him. Try starting small, like you would as if dating a new person. 

Good luck.


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## hibiscus

He is definitely not cheating on me. And we have discussed this issue a couple of times within the two months. 
He says he is attracted to me but the shame of what he did, the disrespect to me and to himself has fizzled his sex drive.

Believe me I have tried to seduce him.


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## This is me

I can tell you that my wife who had an EA not a PA took a while to bond that way again. Be patient....it will happen. Give him space and time.


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## hibiscus

But how much time and space?! It's been two months already. How much more should I give it?


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## Chuck71

It depends upon the amount of guilt he is holding inside. For you, it is positive he regrets cheating on you but something is disrupting him emotionally. Does he regret not staying with the OW? Did he cheat more than once but you just found out about the one? Is he fearing you found out one, what about the (hypothetical) four other women I was with?


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## hibiscus

I only know what my partner has told me. As far as I know he met up with the OW three times. Twice for coffee and the third time for sex. He confessed to me two days afterwards because he was riddled with guilt.

Since then he says he has no contact with her and is only focused on winning my trust back. Its very very clear to me that he made a terrible mistake on his part.

He had admitted to cheating in a previous relationship but has not mentioned anything more.

Maybe there were other women. Who knows. But thats something that I no longer wish to pry out of him. I see him as a person who has hit rock bottom with the hurt he has caused other people. He clearly wisheds to change his ways now.

I think I just need to give him some more time and then address it again in another month.


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## Hermes

Has this been brought up in therapy? Is he going to personal therapy?


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## hibiscus

We have only had one session so far and it wasnt mentioned. Our next session is due in two weeks time. I really dont know how to address this one.

The last time we spoike about our sex life caused him to withdraw even further as he felt even more pressured to perform.

He is not going to personal therapy but if this non existent sex life continues then he will have to do something about this. I cannot be in a sexless relationship. No way


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## Regga

I would definitely bring this up with a therapist. Something about this seems fishy, however you are the one that knows him better than us! 
Is it physically not possible for him to become erect? Do you two get hot and heavy with it and then it stops? Can you talk him through it if he does stop? Would he consider talking with a doctor?
I know for me, sex is extremely important. It's a form of communication. While having sex I'm telling my husband that I'm enjoying him in a way I won't enjoy anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Besides what he SAYS, what is he DOING to prove to you he is trustworthy? He should be proving it to you with actions, not words. Maybe if he does that it would help him.

Has he had an STD test?


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## Chuck71

Try role playing as two strangers in a bar. Get a room....use your imagination. But in the end.....that does not address the central theme you have spoken about. But it could be a start. Good luck!


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## hibiscus

Besides spooning in bed, he shows no sign of wanting me sexually. He has no erection. When we spoke about this three weeks ago he swears that he is attracted to me but needs to feel comfortable with me again. Whatever that means. I can try to seduce him but I cant force it because its entirely up to him to get excited.

It really believe its a mental block on his part because I know that he is no longer playing the field. We have gone through hell to get to this reconciliation. His remorse has been consistent. He is so ashamed of the hurt he has given me. I have never seen a man cry as much as he has. Never seen a man so broken. His cheating affected both our families in a very negative way.

There is no way he would still be cheating now. You have to be a certain person to do that and he is not this person. He just made a very stupid mistake and now has to live with the shame and guilt of his actions. He is doing everything he possibly can to prove to me and my family that he is worthy of me. I have no doubts that he is faithful to me and wont be cheating again in the future. Not after after the consequences he has suffered.

But its affected his libido. 

I dont know what his mental block is. Its really getting me down. I dont know how much more I can take before I explode.


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## hibiscus

Couldnt wait. I just text him at work and sent a very diplomatic message saying that we need to talk about our sexlife this weekend. I told him that it is really upsetting me and its important for me to understnad why he has this mental block.

I am happy to say that he responded positively. Says he wants to talk about it because he is aware how long its been and it bothers him too.

This will be interesting....I will hopefully get the answers I need.


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## Chuck71

When it comes to dudes a libido......step into the subjects lightly or he will shut down. Most guys would. Bring it up in a manner he can take the topic and explain his view. You will get more insight this way. Best of luck!


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## Hope1964

Has he been tested for STD's?


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## Mr Blunt

Sounds like you two are taking a huge step in the right direction. *While he is willing to work on this you might want to push getting a professional involved ASAP.*

Cheating on your loved one is a very devastating event but your husband seems to have something going on inside of him more than just the cheating.

It is a very good sign that he is remorseful but 5-6 months with out sex!!!

The only way that could happen to me is if there was more than just guilt affecting my head. I can see a month or two but for 5 or 6 months would make me think that there is more going on. I believe you that he is not having an affair but that presents an even grater mystery.

Maybe cheating affects some men differently but even a huge disaster like infidelity would not stop the normal urge for sex after 5 months, would it? If I am wrong someone educate me.
*My guess would be that there is more going on with him than infidelity.*


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## hibiscus

Mr Blunt: The affair happened in July. Wea separated immediately after that and only got back together early Dec 2012. Thats when he moved back in with the aim to reconcile properly through the help of couple counselling etc.

So to be precise its been nearly two months that we have not had sex as I do not count the months when we were not living together.

But we are having a talk about this after work today. 
I am hoping this can be resolved.


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## Omegaa

Hi I agree with Mr Blunt.

Affair doesn't necessary end once it is found out. 

It does somewhat worry me when your h sounds more of a smooth talker (telling you what you want to hear). 

I doubt if any cheating husbands / or husband who had cheated before, will tell their wife too much details as to how many times they had sex etc. If they had met up 12 times, they would tell you once or twice. You just have to find the truth for yourself.


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## hibiscus

Sorry to disappoint but the affair is definitely over.

Its not necessary for me to know whether he slept with someone once or ten times. The fact remains that we are giving our relationship a second chance. And both committed to do so.

His libido is clearly affected by his guilt.He made himself look rediculous in front of our friends and family by cheating on me. Plus I lashed out at him many times when we were separated. I told him what I thought of him and I was quite nasty at times. Dunno

Sigh, the damage this cheating has done to our relationship is shocking. If this doesnt work out , I will never give a second chance to cheating in the future. its such hard work to rebuild that trust again


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## This is me

I can tell you I waited 6 months. Patience is hard, but time will heal wounds at a natural pace, not our desired pace.


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## Mr Blunt

> ________________________________________
> *By Blunt*
> Sounds like you two are taking a huge step in the right direction. While he is willing to work on this you might want to push getting a professional involved ASAP.
> 
> Cheating on your loved one is a very devastating event but your husband seems to have something going on inside of him more than just the cheating.
> 
> It is a very good sign that he is remorseful but 5-6 months with out sex!!!
> 
> The only way that could happen to me is if there was more than just guilt affecting my head. I can see a month or two but for 5 or 6 months would make me think that there is more going on. I believe you that he is not having an affair but that presents an even grater mystery.
> 
> Maybe cheating affects some men differently but even a huge disaster like infidelity would not stop the normal urge for sex after 5 months, would it? If I am wrong someone educate me.
> My guess would be that there is more going on with him than infidelity.
> 
> *Reply by Hibiscus*
> Mr Blunt: The affair happened in July. Wea separated immediately after that and only got back together early Dec 2012. Thats when he moved back in with the aim to reconcile properly through the help of couple counselling etc.
> 
> So to be precise its been nearly two months that we have not had sex as I do not count the months when we were not living together.
> 
> But we are having a talk about this after work today.
> I am hoping this can be resolved.



Hibiscus
I apologize for not reading your post close enough to see that it has only been two months you have been together.

I do not understand how a man can go without sex for two months and spoon with his wife and not have a sexual reaction; but that is me. I was hoping that other men would educate me about not being able to perform as I know that men are different.

I still think it is a good idea to get him to a professional ASAP. I always enjoy seeing couples get into real R and your husband has remorse so that is a very good start. You also seem to have a very good attitude towards your husband. 

I hope that I am wrong and that his whole ordeal is because of his infidelity and regret and nothing more. Infidelity is enough to deal with without having other issues.


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## Omegaa

hibiscus said:


> Mr Blunt: The affair happened* in July. *Wea separated immediately after that and only got back together early *Dec 2012.* Thats when he moved back in with the aim to reconcile properly through the help of couple counselling etc.
> 
> So to be precise its been nearly two months that we have not had sex as I do not count the months when we were not living together.


Hi

No, I am not at all "disappointed". 

So you're definitely sure that he is not seeing anyone else as he told you and you believe him. In other words, his sexual energy is not spent on someone else. 

You were not living with him for a few months during separation. Did you ask him to separate or did he suggest this? Were you "together" cultivating intimacy during that period of separation? (This is what Mr Blunt wisely touched on)

A really difficult situation to be in. 
Wish you all the best,


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## hibiscus

When he confessed to his affair in July I threw him out. From July to early December 2012 we tried to reconcile many times. He always asked for a second chance. In my emotional turmoil I would let him back into my life and then dump him within weeks. This happened five times. We had sex a handful of times but they weren’t good. We were both too emotional to enjoy each other. To be honest I would have had had more enjoyment throwing pots and pans at his head during that period! I was very very angry. I called him all kinds of names and literally sucked any last confidence and self esteem out of him. You can call it mental abuse but he took it cause he felt he deserved it.

I know he is not cheating on me now. It is not in his makeup to live a double life of trying to patch things up with me and still screw around behind my back. He is not that callous. He is far too sensitive. It was a genuine mistake on his part. He thought he was in a situation he could control and lost it. Now he is suffering the consequences 

Anyway, we had a really good talk about our sex life over the weekend. In a nutshell he is suffering from very low self esteem. Wow. And I thought women were more sensitive than men??His mental block stems from paranoia and worry.
First of all he says he is paranoid that I will eventually retaliate and cheat on him in the future. This makes him feel very uncomfortable and on edge. He is also worried that I will dump him again.
He is also worried about his business as its been suffering in the present economy. He fears that he may become bankrupt soon.
And lastly, because of his general low self esteem , he is tormented by an one going insecurity he has over his body..He had an accident 15 years ago and only has one testicle. This never bothered me but I suppose he is more focused on this at the moment because he feels insecure about our relationship. 

So I am guessing that things will not be right in that department till more time passes. All we can do is reassure each other’s insecurities and keeping trying to rebuild though the help of counselling.

All I can do is keep myself mentally and physically healthy. And just wait...

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them


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## Isuck

Cialis or Viagara. Get him to ask his doctor for it.

They give out samples and it'll get him past his "mental block". I know it sounds silly to women. But he really does have one. He feels guilty still and like he doesn't deserve you. I'm a guy, I know.


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## hibiscus

To Isuck: Do they give these out in the UK?

I will suggest this to him in a diplomatic way..but will leave it another month first.


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## Quantmflux

hibiscus said:


> To Isuck: Do they give these out in the UK?
> 
> I will suggest this to him in a diplomatic way..but will leave it another month first.


I can second the motion that for more than a few guys it is very possible for your big head to get in the way. Some guys seem incapable of understanding, but for a lot of other guys maintaining an erection is very psychological. You can't turn your head off.

How do I know? Same situation reversed roles.

I've had a terrible time getting my head back in the game after my wife's EA/PA followed by post R weight gain.

It can absolutely be a real thing.

Personally I have no intention of medicating it though. It will be worked out psychologically for me and take as long as it has to. I don't want to put that crap in my body as I don't really like how those PDE5 inhibitors work. Sex isn't worth blindness, hearing loss or stroke to me 

I'm paranoid though... Many take them and are fine. They are obviously prescription so a doc will need to check him over first and make sure it's ok.


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## hibiscus

My partner is going to the doctor this week. Fingers crossed that he will get the help he needs.

At least he is showing me that he does care


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## Chuck71

Very glad to hear that! Best of luck with Dr visit


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## Isuck

I'm not sure if they give it out in the UK but probably?

Some guys don't want to take it, that's cool. But if you're really stuck and taking it helps even mentally get things working right, then why not? There's risks in everything in life. You can "beat" it, (literally and figuratively), but some want help.


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## stamford

Slightly random post coming up, but if it helps, it helps, although not easy for a man to admit.

A few years ago my wife, decided she wanted to start a family, it seemed to come out of the blue, the ovulation calender came out, as did the ov sticks, and then there was the, right we need to do it today, you better perform conversations.

For a while I couldn't lol, don't get me wrong I wanted to, but sheer panic/pressure/fear, wouldnt let me, only happened a few occasions, but after I remember avoiding sex for a while incase it happened again, its a real blow to someones self esteem.

Conversly, after her EA, I have the opposite 4 times a week, sometimes every day, somedays I have to tell myself off before I get told off, I have no idea why.


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## hibiscus

I know that pressurizing him does not help him one bit but its been three months now and the problem needs to be addressed.

My partner went to the doctor yesterday and they refuse to give him any medication until he has various tests done. So another appointment will be made next week for these tests.

They have also offered him free sessions with a sex therapist but I dont know how this is going to help him. 

In the meantime I will just have to be patient. At least he is trying toi sort himself out. Which eases my frustration over this


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## Mr Blunt

> By Hibiscus
> They have also offered him free sessions with a sex therapist but I dont know how this is going to help him.


*Hibiscus, it is free do not turn it down!!!*

I have no idea as to why your husband can spoon with you and not get sexually excited; that is so foreign to me. It has been three months and I trust that you have been trying everything you know to help him.

I think your husband is really confused or twisted about having sex. *The last several times he had sex they were very hurtful experiences*. Especially when he had sex with the OW and saw what great damage that did to his self esteem and to his marriage.


I really think that his condition is way over our heads and yours. 

*You have absolutely nothing to loose and everything to gain by having a professional in the field of sex problems give therapy to your husband*

Blunt


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## hibiscus

Mr Blunt said:


> *Hibiscus, it is free do not turn it down!!!*
> 
> I have no idea as to why your husband can spoon with you and not get sexually excited; that is so foreign to me. It has been three months and I trust that you have been trying everything you know to help him.
> 
> I think your husband is really confused or twisted about having sex. *The last several times he had sex they were very hurtful experiences*. Especially when he had sex with the OW and saw what great damage that did to his self esteem and to his marriage.
> 
> 
> I really think that his condition is way over our heads and yours.
> 
> *You have absolutely nothing to loose and everything to gain by having a professional in the field of sex problems give therapy to your husband*
> 
> Blunt


Our sexlife was great before he slept with his ex.He had no problems with his erection and we had sex at least once or twice a week ( enough for both of us). We use to spoon and it would turn him on...

But this ONS with his ex has totally messed his mind up.He is shocked at his own actions because he says he was and still is very in love with me. At first he blamed the OW. Said " She knows her hold on me and is manipulative". I told him she is only like that if he allows it. 

I have given up analysing why. We are doing MC and its helping. I just want to move forward now with a fresh start.

But yes you are right. He needs as much help as he can get. When you dont like yourself other insecurities are emphasized. He suffers from poor body image because he has one testicle. Doesnt matter how comfortable he feels with a person, this old insecurity comes out full force and prevents him from letting go and having sex.

Medication and therapy will hopefully get him back on track. Fingers crossed because I cannot be in a sexless realationship. He knows that and I know its adding to his insecurities but I did not sign up for any of this crap. 

He made his bed now he needs to lie on it.


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