# I want to be outta this marriage but my wife tries harder, gets disappointed and mad. Help me!



## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Hi,

I am new here. We are married for 7 years and have an wonderful kid and infant. We live in California.

We two are strongly opinionated individuals. I work but she is a house wife. I am poor in time management, have OCD (cleaning, but I have been able to manage it under control) and I am not perfect.

My wife quit working 3 years after our 1st kid. She gets mad for simple things, shouts at me and insults me. She is a bully and verbally abusive. This has been intense for the last 1.5 years and I lost hope in this marriage then. I do shout at her after a certain limit but I would go silent for a day or two then.

I fell in love with her and we married but I don't love her now or never, I will. I come to find out that we are totally unlike and this marriage is a big mistake.

I fear how I am gonna survive her verbal abuse in the future. She gets intense and I am losing my mind hearing her hurtful words every time. It happens once in two days for sure.

I stopped being intimate with her since last 1.5 years. We argue, shout and get back to normal talking a day or two but no love or intimacy. I don't even touch or hug her. I don't want to have any intimacy with her either but she thinks sex can solve our problems. I am sure it won't and I don't want her to change either.

I am in this marriage just for the kids and I wait for her to be working again and become financially independent. I would ask for divorce then or stay married until the kids age 5 and 10 for the least. Otherwise, if she agrees, I would be ready for the divorce right away.

She freaked out, when I told her that if it wasn't for the kids, I would have called out this marriage. She started saying that I was just blackmailing her in the name of divorce. She thinks she deserves a fair treatment from just because we are married, even though I am not interested in her. I also don't send any false signals.

My wife runs on conspiracy theories, fear and shouts and freaks out. I don't think she would change her or I am done trying for this marriage. I don't worry for stuffs like if I miss an appointment or things don't go as planned, as there is always next time but she would go nuts for thinks like that and insult me like anything.

She talked about our lost intimacy in the last 1.5 years and said that she was sorry for hurting me because she was under a lot of stress and expects us to be intimate and sex would solve our problems. But I don't love her anymore or I can't accept her sorry and get back to normal in intimacy. I just want this marriage to end or I would be okay to stay marriage until kids age as I said above.

She is an wonderful mother to my kids and cook. She must have been under a lot of stress but its not fair for her to take them out on me.

How do I deal with her who still believes in this marriage and expects intimacy from me but when I don't?

Please help me as how I can let her know that I don't want to be intimate with her anymore and convey this marriage won't work without hurting her.

Thank you in advance. Stay safe!

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Continuation in another post.*









Continuation to an older post with a critical piece...


Please refer to my old post below for the comments and my replies to them. I really appreciate the replies to my original post. I missed adding a critical piece to the original post and that is we are not US citizens. The big problem for us is that I am on a work visa in US and she is my...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you tried marriage counselling?


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Have you tried marriage counselling?


No, I have not but I am pretty sure I won't change my mind for her. Would marriage counseling help us to realize the state of our marriage? I realize but I think my refuses to believe and still hopes things will change for the good.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Have you tried marriage counselling?


No, we have not but I am pretty sure I won't change my mind for her. Would marriage counseling help us to realize the state of our marriage? I realize but I think my wife refuses to believe the state that we are in and still hopes that things will change for the good.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ISeekSolace said:


> No, we have not but I am pretty sure I won't change my mind for her. Would marriage counseling help us to realize the state of our marriage? I realize but I think my wife refuses to believe the state that we are in and still hopes that things will change for the good.


Marriage counseling is not to change your mind about anything but rather to help identify where things are going off the rails and then help you two develop some constructive communication and conflict resolutions skills and techniques. 

You two have very poor conflict resolution skills and very unhealthy and dysfunctional communication and relationship skills. 
Counseling can help those areas.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Counseling isn't going to miraculously change your wife's bullying personality, or bring back your feelings for her after having been treated that way by her previously for so long, even if she were (miraculously) to stop doing it now.

I'd work towards her becoming employed as soon as possible and divorcing as soon as possible.

10 years from now sounds terribly long. Certainly you can speed that process up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also want to add that even if divorce is the final choice, MC can help establish more functional and healthy ways to deal with the conflict and communication and coping skills with that so that the chaos, anger and damage to the kids and to each of you can be lessened.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Withholding sex from a sexual person can cause great problems. Has she withheld from you, or are you the withholder? Are you LD? Is she HD? The answers to your questions are important. A lot of spouses come here inquiring about their spouses who refuse to have sex or who are at least not interested in it. Which role are you?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Withholding sex from a sexual person can cause great problems. Has she withheld from you, or are you the withholder? Are you LD? Is she HD? The answers to your questions are important. A lot of spouses come here inquiring about their spouses who refuse to have sex or who are at least not interested in it. Which role are you?


He doesn't want to have sex with her because she's an abusive bully. What man wants to have sex with that?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Word of warning, since you live in California, you wait to that 10 year mark you will own her alimony for life


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ISeekSolace said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am new here. We are married for 7 years and have an wonderful kid and infant. We live in California.
> 
> ...


well, you have a legal right to divorce her.
However, you also gave your word you would love her. Now you say “I don’t live her anymore”. Hmmmm

you’re also saying your wife yells at you and this or that.....,you don’t want any intimacy with her. Of course not.

So how about attempting to fix the problem by telling her what you need of her? And you could likely force yourself to have sex with her too. It might make it a little easier to reward her with some sex if she stops her horrid behavior. She might even get in a pattern of treating you right. Guess who trained her to do all this yelling by tolerating it? You have some passivity problems that are going to manifest themselves in future relationships. You’re indecisive, too. If you’re so convinced it won’t work and want a divorce, what are you waiting on? Approval from a marriage forum?

you cute your wife off from sex and allow her to verbally abuse you. You e got some fault here. If you’re going to divorce her, what’s to talk about? Get it done!
Or, you can outline the problems you want your wife to fix, you can start having sex with her even if you don’t want to if she follows your rules, and hope you might fall in live with her again. Something you should have had the balks to do a long time ago. Waiting until your spouse causes enough resentment to lose your feelings for her and bailing out before you really lay out the rules for her is not fair.

You are partially at fault. Chew on that one for a while.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ISeekSolace said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am new here. We are married for 7 years and have an wonderful kid and infant. We live in California.
> 
> ...


Be honest in truthful in your life and tell her exactly how you feel, quit being afraid. It's a better way to live and things will work out better. It will either save your end your marriage but you will have your agency back. Your wife has no fear or respect for you at all and why should she. I am not saying yell or be cruel, that is not right or necessary, but be unemotionally honest. 

Frankly a lot of your problems is you have not taken ownership of the marriage because you are afraid to confront. Here is a little secret all but the very disciplined or altruistic people are gonna do what you let them get away with. Boundaries are good and necessary in marriage. Wife's test their husbands I don't even think they know they are doing it at times, but they lose respect if they think their husbands are pushovers. The point of the test are often to make sure you are strong. You should have been calling her on her **** from the very beginning.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Be honest in truthful in your life and tell her exactly how you feel, quit being afraid. It's a better way to live and things will work out better. It will either save your end your marriage but you will have your agency back. Your wife has no fear or respect for you at all and why should she. I am not saying yell or be cruel, that is not right or necessary, but be unemotionally honest.
> 
> Frankly a lot of your problems is you have not taken ownership of the marriage because you are afraid to confront. Here is a little secret all but the very disciplined or altruistic people are gonna do what you let them get away with. Boundaries are good and necessary in marriage. Wife's test their husbands I don't even think they know they are doing it at times, but they lose respect if they think their husbands are pushovers. The point of the test are often to make sure you are strong. You should have been calling her on her **** from the very beginning.


Well put. I’m not nearly as good with words.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your chains are mental.
And you are that weak link.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Marriage counseling is not to change your mind about anything but rather to help identify where things are going off the rails and then help you two develop some constructive communication and conflict resolutions skills and techniques.
> 
> You two have very poor conflict resolution skills and very unhealthy and dysfunctional communication and relationship skills.
> Counseling can help those areas.


Thanks for that reply! Marriage counseling seems a promising solution to me as both of us can talk to someone else rather shouting at each other and in turn affecting kids. My wife tried so hard this morning that we could talk it out but I disagreed and said that we could go for counseling. Its good for both of our health as well because as we start discussing and as it turns into an argument. We both get angry and but I would go silent after a few mins but she would continue for the next 15 to 30 mins or so with incessant shouting and insulting.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Counseling isn't going to miraculously change your wife's bullying personality, or bring back your feelings for her after having been treated that way by her previously for so long, even if she were (miraculously) to stop doing it now.
> 
> I'd work towards her becoming employed as soon as possible and divorcing as soon as possible.
> 
> 10 years from now sounds terribly long. Certainly you can speed that process up.


Would I lose 50/50? What if she earns a good amount of salary and can take care of herself?
I don't want to see her stranded in no man's land and feeling lost without a job. That's one of the main reasons that I want to wait for her to be financially independent and become confident that she can live and lead her life without me.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I also want to add that even if divorce is the final choice, MC can help establish more functional and healthy ways to deal with the conflict and communication and coping skills with that so that the chaos, anger and damage to the kids and to each of you can be lessened.


Totally agree! Kids would not have to see our arguments anymore and the MC could help us respect each other and put us on a path to peace.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Withholding sex from a sexual person can cause great problems. Has she withheld from you, or are you the withholder? Are you LD? Is she HD? The answers to your questions are important. A lot of spouses come here inquiring about their spouses who refuse to have sex or who are at least not interested in it. Which role are you?


I agree that withholding sex can cause problems and I am the one who refrains from sex. I have heard people saying sex can solve problems and I believe that she was under a lot of stress but I told her to change the she talks and stick to the problem many a times rather insulting me and my upbringing, but she never did. Though she feels deeply sorry now, I can't make up my mind to be intimate with her as her words hurt me a lot and continue to flash in memory. I certainly can't lower down my self respect by putting the bitter past behind us.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Livvie said:


> He doesn't want to have sex with her because she's an abusive bully. What man wants to have sex with that?


Yes, its her hurtful words that put me under a lot of stress. I feel sad seeing her when she is quiet and upset with all of this and I think that she longs for my love now but unfortunately, I couldn't offer her anything more now.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Word of warning, since you live in California, you wait to that 10 year mark you will own her alimony for life


Would I lose everything that I earned 50/50? What if she earns a good amount of salary and can take care of herself?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok so I’m simple terms, she’s frustrated because you don’t keep appointments and don’t think it’s a big deal, and you haven’t had sex with her for 1.5 years. So some of her major needs are being dismissed. She’s also said that she’s under a lot of stress and is apologising, and she also wants to have sex with you, but you don’t and you’re still married to her. Have you listened to her before she starts shouting? What is she saying?

If you don’t love her, and also don’t want to change your part then I would say don’t bother with counselling. You do sound like you are done and don’t want to work on it and that’s fair enough. Don’t wait til she’s got a job, end it now and help out with kids when you’re divorced so that she can work.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> well, you have a legal right to divorce her.
> However, you also gave your word you would love her. Now you say “I don’t live her anymore”. Hmmmm
> 
> you’re also saying your wife yells at you and this or that.....,you don’t want any intimacy with her. Of course not.
> ...


I certainly can't force myself to be intimate with her. That's out of the question. She is a wonderful monther to my kids and I believe that she was under a lot of stress but I told her to change the she talks and stick to the problem in hand, many a times rather insulting me and my upbringing, but she never did. I proposed her and we fell in love to put it in other words but it does not mean that I am supposed to lose my self respect just to save this marriage.
I wait to initiate the divorce until she get a job and kids grow up a little more because I don't want her stranded in no man's land feeling lost without me.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Be honest in truthful in your life and tell her exactly how you feel, quit being afraid. It's a better way to live and things will work out better. It will either save your end your marriage but you will have your agency back. Your wife has no fear or respect for you at all and why should she. I am not saying yell or be cruel, that is not right or necessary, but be unemotionally honest.
> 
> Frankly a lot of your problems is you have not taken ownership of the marriage because you are afraid to confront. Here is a little secret all but the very disciplined or altruistic people are gonna do what you let them get away with. Boundaries are good and necessary in marriage. Wife's test their husbands I don't even think they know they are doing it at times, but they lose respect if they think their husbands are pushovers. The point of the test are often to make sure you are strong. You should have been calling her on her **** from the very beginning.


I was silent in the beginning for an year as I was deeply in love with her. I cried when she traveled and for shouting at her without knowing that it was my fault, a few times. But I changed and I never had been silent since the 2nd year or so. I called her out all the times and she always said I was defensive and built conspiracy theories around it that I always blame her for the faults. I could never get confront her for anything. I have apologized to her at times, if I had hurt her but I don't she did it until last month or now. I believe that she was under a lot of stress but I told her to change the she talks and stick to the problem many a times rather insulting me and my upbringing, but she never did. When I said her a few weeks back that this marriage was a big mistake as we are totally unlike - Her response was that I was blackmailing her and she never took my words seriously. She realizes now that I meant it and she wants to change all of her behavior all of a sudden but unfortunately, I can't make up my mind now.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ISeekSolace said:


> I certainly can't force myself to be intimate with her. That's out of the question. She is a wonderful monther to my kids and I believe that she was under a lot of stress but I told her to change the she talks and stick to the problem in hand, many a times rather insulting me and my upbringing, but she never did. I proposed her and we fell in love to put it in other words but it does not mean that I am supposed to lose my self respect just to save this marriage.
> I wait to initiate the divorce until she get a job and kids grow up a little more because I don't want her stranded in no man's land feeling lost without me.


But she’s already lost and living without a husband anyway, are you worried what it means for your image if you leave while she’s not working? Why would she be lost in a no-man’s land? If she’s a wonderful mother she’d be very capable without you, I don’t think it matters when you leave. 

When you mention self-respect, do you mean wounded pride? 

Tell us more about what kind of husband you’ve been? 

It sounds like both of you are asking for a specific change, and nobody wants to go first? So your major ask is that she stop communicating a certain way and you’ve withdrawn love and physical contact. Her major concerns are stress (what are her stressors?) and that she wants sex with you, so she responds by shouting and being verbally abusive. 

Both full of pride and both want to be the winner? It sounds like a terrible competition of who is going to be the strongest punisher. Guess what you both get if you remove the need to punish - because that’s right, this is a lose-lose situation - you get peace and love and a different perspective. 

You know that you don’t always have to win or be right? It’s extremely liberating.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

What do you mean by lower yourself for intimacy? Did she cheat?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Have you talked to an attorney? You're already at 7yrs, isn't 10yrs the magic moment when lifetime alimony can kick in?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife is already lost without you, she doesn't have a husband anymore. You're just there.

Just divorce and end this misery.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

ISeekSolace said:


> Would I lose everything that I earned 50/50? What if she earns a good amount of salary and can take care of herself?


you should get a referral for a good divorce lawyer from someone you trust, and pay them for an hour consultation to discuss likely financial and custody outcomes if you divorce.

I have heard CA is a tough state to get divorced in if you are the primary worker/earner/breadwinner in your family. Since your wife doesn't work, it sounds like you are the primary breadwinner. You'll likely have to pay child support to her until each of your kids are 18, and will have to pay her some kind of alimony for some number of years, on top of child support. 

You really need to talk to an attorney licensed in California to know what the state guidelines are. 

And do not tell your wife you're doing this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You do know in California if you stay married to her for 10 years you own her alimony for life or until she remarried. If you are going to divorce, do it now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ABHale said:


> You do know in California if you stay married to her for 10 years you own her alimony for life or until she remarried. If you are going to divorce, do it now.


Yep. And has it occurred to you that she is probably never going to get a job because she knows that you are going to leave when she does? She will stay unemployed to manipulate you. She will keep you around long enough to get that disgusting lifetime alimony. (Why is this legal??) 
Now, I don’t blame you for not wanting intimacy with her.. I went through the same thing with my first husband. I realized that I never wanted to have sex with him again and I didn’t. When someone treats you like total crap it tends to kill those desires. But in your case, you need to cut and run NOW, not later. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

No sex for a year and a half? Do you have another woman that you’re talking to? Was there another woman recently that caused you to detach from your wife sexually? 

There’s a missing piece that you haven’t shared. Have either of you cheated? We can’t really give good advice if you trickle truth us.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ISeekSolace said:


> I stopped being intimate with her since last 1.5 years. We argue, shout and get back to normal talking a day or two but no love or intimacy. I don't even touch or hug her. I don't want to have any intimacy with her either but she thinks sex can solve our problems. I am sure it won't and I don't want her to change either.
> 
> I am in this marriage just for the kids and I wait for her to be working again and become financially independent. I would ask for divorce then or stay married until the kids age 5 and 10 for the least. Otherwise, if she agrees, I would be ready for the divorce right away.


When my spouse shows no interest in sex, I become a very unpleasant person. The problems she's exhibiting in the last 1.5 years are probably caused by you, and you don't want to change.

Thinking that you're providing a good home for your kids by staying with their mother is ridiculous. You're teaching them that it's okay to be in a husband/wife relationship where there is no love. Do her and your kids a favor. Get out, now. She needs freedom from you. She needs a man who can rock her world. She needs a smile on her face, and you're not willing to provide it.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Just get a divorce. You aren't doing your children any favors by staying, other than contributing to a unhappy home. The fighting, the withholding affection, it didn't just hurt you and your wife. Your children may not hear the fights, but they feel the aftermath.

You will have to pay alimony and child support. Once she is working, you can have the amount you pay modified.

Or, be honest and tell your wife your marriage is over, and she needs to find a job. You can agree to a time limit, day 6 months. That will give her time to find a job, and one of you to find another place to live.

The two of you should attend classes to learn how to co-parent without any of the toxic resentment that had built up between the two of you. It will benefit your children, and keep them from becoming pawns in your divorce.

California is a no fault state. You divorce for irreconcilable differences. The more you can agree on, the faster your divorce will be processed. Mediation will go much more smoothly if you already have a parenting plan on place (visitation, etc) and show the court that you will work together towards a fair and equitable divorce.

There is no reason to stay together, other than to torture, and withhold so physical and emotional affection from her as she begs you to try to fix things. Sure, you don't have either of those things right now either, but at least you are choosing to forego them. You don't love her anymore, and don't want to be intimate, that's fine. Call a lawyer.

You're done. So be done. Or, be so honest with her that she didn't hold out any hope of reconciliation, and can start the proceedings herself.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> But she’s already lost and living without a husband anyway, are you worried what it means for your image if you leave while she’s not working? Why would she be lost in a no-man’s land? If she’s a wonderful mother she’d be very capable without you, I don’t think it matters when you leave.
> 
> When you mention self-respect, do you mean wounded pride?
> 
> ...


I understand your point but I don't want to go back to normal, even if she is ready. She started a discussion this morning about our current situation. As I continued to say that I did not want to go back to normal but I would be okay to be together without intimacy, she burst again and showed me her true face and continued insulting even more than before. What I think now is she will never change this behavior.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok so I’m simple terms, she’s frustrated because you don’t keep appointments and don’t think it’s a big deal, and you haven’t had sex with her for 1.5 years. So some of her major needs are being dismissed. She’s also said that she’s under a lot of stress and is apologising, and she also wants to have sex with you, but you don’t and you’re still married to her. Have you listened to her before she starts shouting? What is she saying?
> 
> If you don’t love her, and also don’t want to change your part then I would say don’t bother with counselling. You do sound like you are done and don’t want to work on it and that’s fair enough. Don’t wait til she’s got a job, end it now and help out with kids when you’re divorced so that she can work.


The big problem for us is that I am on a work visa in USA and she is my dependent. If we divorce, she would lose the legal status and have to go back to our home country. I love our kids and I don't want our kids to miss either of us or my wife should miss them either.

I told her that I would support her to pursue a higher education in USA on a student visa so she gets a distraction from all of this and adds something to her career so she can work after 2 years for sure regardless my visa status. She denied it outright and asks me money of $1.5k for taking care of our kids and doing the household work. I gave her a credit card already and she is free to buy anything she wants but she insists on getting money from me now.

She left the home this morning for 1 hour but leaving the child with me while I told her that I got to focus on work and can't manage both.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So consult with a divorce attorney, already!


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> What do you mean by lower yourself for intimacy? Did she cheat?


No, she did not cheat. I don't love my wife anymore and so I don't feel like being intimate with her.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Have you talked to an attorney? You're already at 7yrs, isn't 10yrs the magic moment when lifetime alimony can kick in?


No, I have not talked to an attorney yet. As I stated a few comments above, we are not citizens of US and if we divorce my wife will have to go back to our home country. And that is the reason that I want her to get a job so she can legally be here even after our divorce so we both of us get to share the custody of our kids.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yep. And has it occurred to you that she is probably never going to get a job because she knows that you are going to leave when she does? She will stay unemployed to manipulate you. She will keep you around long enough to get that disgusting lifetime alimony. (Why is this legal??)
> Now, I don’t blame you for not wanting intimacy with her.. I went through the same thing with my first husband. I realized that I never wanted to have sex with him again and I didn’t. When someone treats you like total crap it tends to kill those desires. But in your case, you need to cut and run NOW, not later.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We wait for her work authorization as I am on a work visa and she is my dependent but can't work legally yet.
I think she would try to get a job when she is eligible to work but I think she doesn't know anything about alimony.

Exactly! It certainly kills those desires and I don't understand why people say intimacy can solve any relationship issues.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

jsmart said:


> No sex for a year and a half? Do you have another woman that you’re talking to? Was there another woman recently that caused you to detach from your wife sexually?
> 
> There’s a missing piece that you haven’t shared. Have either of you cheated? We can’t really give good advice if you trickle truth us.


My wife delivered a baby last June 2020 and so there is a big gap. No, neither of us cheated anyone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ISeekSolace said:


> Would I lose 50/50? What if she earns a good amount of salary and can take care of herself?
> I don't want to see her stranded in no man's land and feeling lost without a job. That's one of the main reasons that I want to wait for her to be financially independent and become confident that she can live and lead her life without me.


You are are kind to the end, leaving your end un-cared for and uncovered.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> You are are kind to the end, leaving your end un-cared for and uncovered.


Oh! I think I will be fine because I have a decent work experience and a well-paying job. I am sure I would earn back that money that I may lose in the divorce so money is not a concern for me right now.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ok it’s becoming clearer that you might be the problem. I say this because you want out of the marriage, don’t love her, won’t be intimate with her... but you don’t want her to go back to her country. 

You don’t get to control this - you don’t want her, but are controlling what she does with her life and controlling her future. ‘I don’t love you, won’t have sex with you, but I expect that you will stay here, get a job, get a degree etc’. No. 

Why can’t she go home to her friends and family, given that you don’t want her? It’s clear you’re concerned about the Visa and keeping her hostage there and dictating the terms. If you don’t love her, why the insistence that she sticks to your plans? I’m yet to actually here what she wants, other than that she really wants a husband who wants to have sex with her. In this situation, I think I would be raving lunatic screaming for release.

If you don’t want her, nobody can have her? Not even her family back home? And you’re worried more about how much money you’ll lose, and the visa situation so you have not even bothered to divorce her and you probably won’t. 

I am really concerned that this woman is stuck in a terrible situation with no control of her future. She’s not a caged bird, let her go home. 

Does she have any friends or family here? Is she allowed to make any decisions, think for herself or decide anything?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok it’s becoming clearer that you might be the problem. I say this because you want out of the marriage, don’t love her, won’t be intimate with her... but you don’t want her to go back to her country.
> 
> You don’t get to control this - you don’t want her, but are controlling what she does with her life and controlling her future. ‘I don’t love you, won’t have sex with you, but I expect that you will stay here, get a job, get a degree etc’. No.
> 
> ...


Absolutely agree with this.

It's becoming clearer and clearer that you may well be the problem here OP. You say your wife is a bully, but you are the one withholding sex, threatening divorce, refusing to discuss anything and giving her the silent treatment. Her outbursts, while unhelpful obviously, are clearly out of pure frustration!

If I were her, I'd be high tailing it with the kids back to my home country. Wrong? Yes, but I'd be damned if I was going to risk losing my children.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok it’s becoming clearer that you might be the problem. I say this because you want out of the marriage, don’t love her, won’t be intimate with her... but you don’t want her to go back to her country.
> 
> You don’t get to control this - you don’t want her, but are controlling what she does with her life and controlling her future. ‘I don’t love you, won’t have sex with you, but I expect that you will stay here, get a job, get a degree etc’. No.
> 
> ...


I guess I did not mention her view about this. I would be happy to let her go back to the home country, if she wants or whatever she wants to do with her life.

I am not holding her back with anything. She is the one not willing to realize and admit that this marriage is over and but want to go back to normal.

She has to realize that first and I can bring the discussion about divorce then.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Absolutely agree with this.
> 
> It's becoming clearer and clearer that you may well be the problem here OP. You say your wife is a bully, but you are the one withholding sex, threatening divorce, refusing to discuss anything and giving her the silent treatment. Her outbursts, while unhelpful obviously, are clearly out of pure frustration!
> 
> If I were her, I'd be high tailing it with the kids back to my home country. Wrong? Yes, but I'd be damned if I was going to risk losing my children.


The fact is that I want the divorce and would proceed with the divorce if she agrees but she is not even coming for the counseling yet so someone can help her understand that this marriage is over and we can move forward with a decision.

She has family and friends back home but I have heard her saying that she would not go back to the home country as that would hurt her parents and I would have to do everything that she needs as I am her husband. Her view is that once married, we should stay married for ever.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Then it’s really very simple, since you’re not denying her this, and she doesn’t want to go home... then you just. get. a. divorce. Soonish.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Then it’s really very simple, since you’re not denying her this, and she doesn’t want to go home... then you just. get. a. divorce. Soonish.


Yes, it would be that simple, if she agrees to talk about divorce and the next steps.

If she wants to go back to the home country, she can go or If she wants to stay in US and I would financially support her to pursue higher education here in US as well. But the problem that I face is that whenever I even throw a hint that this marriage is over, she gets mad and shouts at me even more and I end up holding the baby and yet I would have to do the other things along with my work because she does not know driving and in her view, I am the one should do everything else as she takes care of the children.

How do I convince her to come for counseling? so both of us can speak out loud and someone else can make her understand that this marriage is over and should proceed towards divorce for the better.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why does she not drive? Given you have planned and discussed, did you also help her to get her driver’s licence? And she declined in anger?


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Why does she not drive? Given you have planned and discussed, did you also help her to get her driver’s licence? And she declined in anger?


She tried for license in 2019 but I did not carry cash that day and we lost the appointment. She thrashed me for that as usual. She traveled back to our home country then. I have been pushing her to get a license since she was back to US and she finally did the written test and await for her driving lessons this week.

I am kind of hesitant to tell her that she needs to learn everything and learn to be independent of me as she will get mad hearing that and that day will be bad for everyone at home including the kids.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ISeekSolace said:


> The fact is that I want the divorce and would proceed with the divorce if she agrees but she is not even coming for the counseling yet so someone can help her understand that this marriage is over and we can move forward with a decision.
> 
> She has family and friends back home but I have heard her saying that she would not go back to the home country as that would hurt her parents and I would have to do everything that she needs as I am her husband. *Her view is that once married, we should stay married for ever.*


Well, that is how it's supposed to be, lol.

If you're really serious about divorcing, tell her that. You don't need her to agree to it, you can file on your own. Tell her you want to talk about it, try one last time, and if she won't then tell her she has two options, either go back to her home country, or go back to higher education and you will support her for X years while she studies (don't leave that bit open ended). Tell her those are her options and to pick one because the marriage is over.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Ok it’s becoming clearer that you might be the problem. I say this because you want out of the marriage, don’t love her, won’t be intimate with her... but you don’t want her to go back to her country.
> 
> You don’t get to control this - you don’t want her, but are controlling what she does with her life and controlling her future. ‘I don’t love you, won’t have sex with you, but I expect that you will stay here, get a job, get a degree etc’. No.
> 
> ...


They divorce she will have to return home. But you think she wants to leave the kids here? I would think the court system would not allow the children to be taken OOS with shared custody, let alone another country. If the youngest was born here, it is a dual citizen. May be basis for her to get a visa.

He lost his loving feeling because she is abusive. Would anyone tell an abused woman to keep having sex with her abuser?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She doesn’t have to agree for you to divorce her. Period. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Well, that is how it's supposed to be, lol.
> 
> If you're really serious about divorcing, tell her that. You don't need her to agree to it, you can file on your own. Tell her you want to talk about it, try one last time, and if she won't then tell her she has two options, either go back to her home country, or go back to higher education and you will support her for X years while she studies (don't leave that bit open ended). Tell her those are her options and to pick one because the marriage is over.


lol, that was my promise at the time of being married too but it started to get ugly as years passed.

Yea, I see those are the best options that I can think of for now. I will try bringing her for counseling and open up the discussion about these options then.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> They divorce she will have to return home. But you think she wants to leave the kids here? I would think the court system would not allow the children to be taken OOS with shared custody, let alone another country. If the youngest was born here, it is a dual citizen. May be basis for her to get a visa.
> 
> He lost his loving feeling because she is abusive. Would anyone tell an abused woman to keep having sex with her abuser?


No, she would not leave the kids. The youngest was born in our home country here as well.

Yes, I lost that feeling through the years. If she had treated me as an individual with little more decency, I would have thought about reconciliation though. But I understand now that she pretended to be nice and her true color came out in the next 30 mins or so.

I also don't get why people say that intimacy would solve anything because for me mutual respect comes prior to that.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

3Xnocharm said:


> She doesn’t have to agree for you to divorce her. Period.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, I understand that but what would she do after the divorce? How she would stand on her feet without a job? She will have devastated already due to the divorce as well.

I want her to go through post-divorce process with as little pain as possible.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

ISeekSolace said:


> Yes, I understand that but what would she do after the divorce? How she would stand on her feet without a job? She will have devastated already due to the divorce as well.
> 
> I want her to go through post-divorce process with as little pain as possible.


You can't make her reason right now because she wants YOU! You need to see a lawyer and start the divorce. She will know you are divorcing when she gets the divorce papers. That will be when she finally realizes that you do want to end the marriage. 

Then she will sit down and talk because she is going to need your help to decide if she wants to stay in America or she wants to leave. The marriage is over. 

Go see a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you how to get her to accept that the marriage is over whether she wants the divorce or not. 

You are stuck because you don't want to be the bad guy. She is going to see you as the bad guy anyway.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ISeekSolace said:


> No, she would not leave the kids. The youngest was born here as well.
> 
> Yes, I lost that feeling through the years. If she had treated me as an individual with little more decency, I would have thought about reconciliation though. But I understand now that she pretended to be nice and her true color came out in the next 30 mins or so.
> 
> I also don't get why people say that intimacy would solve anything because for me mutual respect comes prior to that.


She would have no choice. If she had no visa and divorce judge awarded you 50% custody, she could not just take the kids out of country. ICE has rules to follow, they came across her she is out if no longer married, unless she can apply for a visa being child is a citizen.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ISeekSolace said:


> Yes, I understand that but what would she do after the divorce? How she would stand on her feet without a job? She will have devastated already due to the divorce as well.
> 
> I want her to go through post-divorce process with as little pain as possible.


You are making it worse for both of you by acting like this. You need to lead this situation by taking decisive action.

Clearly communicate the steps she needs to take to avoid divorce (therapy, treating you with respect etc) and when they need to happen by and start the divorce process now. You could withdraw your request for divorce if need be, but this is not going to get better.

You are not helping your kids by delaying the divorce until they are older.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> You can't make her reason right now because she wants YOU! You need to see a lawyer and start the divorce. She will know you are divorcing when she gets the divorce papers. That will be when she finally realizes that you do want to end the marriage.
> 
> Then she will sit down and talk because she is going to need your help to decide if she wants to stay in America or she wants to leave. The marriage is over.
> 
> ...


Genuinely, I want to help her stand on her feet regardless of ending up as a bad guy in her books.

However, I got your point - If I proceed with divorce, she is not going to like it either way then. But as you mentioned, I think she would sit and talk then as what's best for the kids then.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> She would have no choice. If she had no visa and divorce judge awarded you 50% custody, she could not just take the kids out of country. ICE has rules to follow, they came across her she is out if no longer married, unless she can apply for a visa being child is a citizen.


Got it. I would want to share the custody of the kids but I wouldn't stand in her way though, if she wants to leave the country with the kids as I don't want to take the kids away from her against her will. I think she would agree to stay here if I offer support for her education so we get to share the custody of the kids and the kids will have the best of both worlds then.


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## ISeekSolace (Apr 14, 2021)

re16 said:


> You are making it worse for both of you by acting like this. You need to lead this situation by taking decisive action.
> 
> Clearly communicate the steps she needs to take to avoid divorce (therapy, treating you with respect etc) and when they need to happen by and start the divorce process now. You could withdraw your request for divorce if need be, but this is not going to get better.
> 
> You are not helping your kids by delaying the divorce until they are older.


Yes, this is one of the good approaches as well as I think she wouldn't change her behavior and would end agreeing herself for the divorce, when the time is up. I would think over it. I am grateful for this wonderful community!


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