# should I do anything?



## preso (May 1, 2009)

My husbands son is 16.... he seems to me to be illiterate.
He can't spell at all, not even words like 
GAURD
RAISED
etc...

My husband says he has always been like this and was diagnosied with a learning disability when in the 2nd grade.
He was on meds for a time but no longer takes them. I don't know how he is passing in high school but he is and I'm very worried when he graduates he will not be able to get a job and maybe the service won't even take him.
He has no behavioral problems................ just bad in basic english and can't spell at all.

my question is... should I be worried or try to do anything?
KEEP IN MIND HIS MOTHER WHO HE LIVES WITH IS LOUD, EVIL and likes to fight so any attempt to help him will start a huge war.
I feel so bad for the kid and don't know if I should do anything.
He is kinda lazy... so even if I try to help, it may do no good.

thoughts?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

"He can't spell at all, not even words like
GAURD"

Um, HE can't spell guard? And you're worried about him?

Interesting...

Preacher


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

ok well you get my point...

I have already worked and retired... he has even begun life yet.
I saw on myspace his friends call him dumbass... maybe he is?

I also realize to do something would be saying to his mother, she is a bad parent and she will start a war.
soooooo
I am perplexed if I should do anything.

I could tutor him for a few weeks, but his mother would freak
so........
I remain perplexed.

did I spELL gaurd wrong? a typo... he can't even type a series of words together... he can't spell preseason ( football)
or anything. 
I am worried for him.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Preso, Just because he has Poro English skills doesn't mean he has learning issues.

If he is making it through High School he will be fine.

I imagine you are out of touch with todays youth, so am I at 39.

They shorten words from texting, You can see it some times On here.

Hey WU NMH Goin 2 skul txt me l8tr

There is a Sentence by my 12 year old to her friend...."proper English" is out the door.

Leave the kid alone he will be fine, just be a nice step mom to him when he does visit his dad, that is all.

I admit I have terrible Enlgish skills, you would never guess I have an IQ over 140.

usually my mind is way ahead of my fingers and Often Multi-tasking.

the kid is fine leave him alone


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Some people aren't motivated, either by nature or nurture, to succeed so they will do the very minimum to get by. One place that is more than obvious is in school.

He's not your kid...your job as a step-parent is to be a good friend and a good host...nothing more. You can love him, care about him but the ultimate responsibility for his well being is his father's. If you're that worried that this kid will be another welfare recipient then talk to his dad and have his dad talk to him and do something about it...

And yes, I know it was a typo...good God...do you think I'm a moran?

Preacher


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> WHOA! NOT, I repeat NOT acceptable. I'm sorry, but that is uncalled for completely. Please remember, kindness and GENUINE caring are in order here. Not joining the name calling crew.
> 
> Thx,
> Lost


wtf?
you are not aware kids call each other names?

his friends on myspace call him what they do, thats just the way it is.
I asked him about helping with schoolwork and his reply was:

LOOK I DONT READ and DONT CARE ABOUT IT.
so I have tried. 
Maybe I should have my husband contact his ex and get him back on medication for ADD or whatever learning disability he has and has been on medication for before.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> Preso, Just because he has Poro English skills doesn't mean he has learning issues.
> 
> If he is making it through High School he will be fine.
> 
> ...



Thats the thing, he has been diagnosised with it before. His mother took him off medication and his grades show it.

My husband says some boys are just like that, not into reading or anything. This is not as I know things to be but in my family the boys all excelled at school and in college, so this is new to me.
I am thinking stepson won't even be able to fill out a job application !!!!!!!!!!!
I hope he doesn't end up with a hard life as a laborer, just because he is too lazy to read. His mother seems to not be helping him in schoolwork
so........... I'm worried about him.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> He's not your kid...your job as a step-parent is to be a good friend and a good host...nothing more.
> Preacher


This is true and once he is 19 or graduates high school, we will be moving. He already said he wants to come live with us but we are living someplece with no jobs, in a ski resort area...................... not a place for a kid starting out. My husband may not be able to help him get a job where he works since he won't be able to fill out the application !

I don't want to end up supporting him through life or having him live with us. He has to make his own way and I have concerns he won't be able to !


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> I admit I have terrible Enlgish skills, you would never guess I have an IQ over 140.


your spelling looks ok to me.

The kid doesn't want to learn anything, never saw anything like it.
His mother has a brother who is mentally retarded ( mild- IQ about 90- as he is self sufficent)
and I wonder if the kid didn't get the gene.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> My response was NOT directed at the kids but towards you for repeating what they said on myspace and then saying ... "maybe he is."
> 
> Lost



the fact is... maybe he really is.
You can call it anything you like or wish to, just try to stay on topic. I'm not asking your opinion of me
just what I should do... if anything.

back on topic:
my husband has assured me we won't be supporting him after high school, after his mopther gets frustrated with him. At that time, the kid will have to start making his own way.
If he proves he can't work, there are programs for adults like that who didn't pay attention in high school or could not learn for som e reason and he can apply for those state funded programs I guess.

I have tried to get him books about things he likes, sports, fishing, but he won't read them.
so..........
I don't know how far to push this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

preso said:


> I don't know how he is passing in high school


My mom is a teacher and she said with the new No Child Left Behind act she is not allowed to fail a student. Everyone passes, no matter their actual grade. crazy, dont you think? I dont know if that is the case with your step-son, or if that even applies to high school (she teaches 2nd grade), but I think its scary. I would be worried, too.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Blanca said:


> My mom is a teacher and she said with the new No Child Left Behind act she is not allowed to fail a student. Everyone passes, no matter their actual grade. crazy, dont you think? I dont know if that is the case with your step-son, or if that even applies to high school (she teaches 2nd grade), but I think its scary. I would be worried, too.



Talked with husband last night about it and he also made me aware of this no fail situation.
We had a good and meaningful talk about it and shared our concerns. Fact is, we cannot MAKE him be interested in school or try harder, he doesn't even live with us and if his fate is to work hard, that is his fate. At some point in the future if he is very unhappy with his labor type work, he will go back to school and get some type of training, like many people do and he will survive.
He may end up being the kid who cleans up things or works on an assembly line, but soomeone has to do those jobs and when he is tired of it and gets self motivated, he will have to do something about it.
Currently his whole focus is that stupid new car his mother bought him before he was even old enough to drive. Both my husband and I feel it was a dumb move and does nothing to motivate him at school.

Then we find out his son has a job lined up to start next week. Don't know what it is yet but we'll know soon enough. The one GOOD POINT he has going for him is he has no behavioral issues and is very likeable... so someone may give him a break to give him a job despite him not being able to spell or read well.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I wouldn't worry about him to much he is still very young, he will be fine


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

yeah guess so....

just seems he should be able to read and write at age 16. 
Time will tell I guess.

Glad my husband feels so sure he will come around as I sure don't. My husband is a published author and he says when he was his sons age he didn't like to read or write either.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

He will be fine. He is a kid, and anyway, I'm not sure what the big deal is if he does go into construction or some other type of blue collar job. Not everyone is the academic type; people excel at different things, and mature at different rates. Spelling, while it may be annoying for those that can do it well, each and every time, is rarely a deal breaker in real life.Is it that he cannot read or write at all, and is completely illiterate, or is that his level is simply not up to your standards? I mean, in order to even set up a Myspace page, he has to be able to follow directions, and type the information onto his page. 
I work with a very well educated man, who has retired from the military, is now an IT specialist here, and his spelling is atrocious! It sure has not hindered him any in life, and he has raised 3 very hard working, well educated sons. You say he is obsessed with the car he was given, so maybe he is more mechanically inclined than the bookworm type. What's the harm in that? It seems more harmful to try to force him to be something he is not, or to make him feel as if he cannot measure up because he is not an intellectual person.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I don't expect an intellectual but he is in fact illiterate. According to his father this has been going on since grade school.

I understand he is not bright and will not have a good job, but a dirty, back breaking one of labor. I guess someone has to do it and if his father and bio mother are not worried, then I guess I shouldn't be either.
I just think its sad and would like to help him but he doesn't want any help.

Curious what job he thinks he's getting. I know it won't be waiting tables or cashier work, what many young people do....
so we'll have to wait and see.
Like I said..... he is very gifted with a calm and soft demeanor, and manners........ so maybe he will end up a car salesman or something?
He would never be a mechanic, he is too lazy.
lol


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

yesterday he ran out of gas in his new car...
shesh, doesn't he know where the gas gauge is ?

I swear.................. it and he are just unreal.

He has something he cannot even work, and in all honesty
should not be driving.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I agree with Mommybean, there is no shame in working a blue collar job. Our public schools have programs to help those struggling with basic reading skills. If he has ADHD, autism, dyslexia or something diagnosable, there are state and federal assistance programs. Are you sure he can't read at all? Can he speak? If both his parent think he is fine, then you hands are tied. I won't interfere, by tutoring. You can be supportive by doing family activities with him, assuming you already have a strong relationship with him.

My stepdaughter is working a summer job as a farm hand. She hates it, but it's a job that pays. She got it from making connections. So speaking well and making social connections actually can get you a good job.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Preso, that happens to people,

One time when I was younger, I was walking home from school, my neighbor was working on his car, I asked him what was wrong, he said, he wasn't sure he can't get the car to start, as a 11 year old I simply said, well maybe it needs gas.....sure enough the tank was empty.

it happens....He will be fine, and really he is not for you to worry about, he will make his own decisions in 2 years.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You do realize that gauges can malfunction, right? I've had it happen to me. It sounds like you are trying to find reasons to be disgusted with him and his capabilities, or what you perceive as his lack of capablitiy in any area.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

well he just came over, his gas tank was full.... he didn't want anything except to show us his new car again.

he sure loves that car.

I guess at best it'll teach him some responsibility
and he told us about his new job......... that he "might" get...
its in fast food.
A place just down the street.
I told him he could come over anytime he wanted now that he was driving and offered him lunch, but he passed on lunch.

He speaks quietly, very soft spoken, he says thanks and please...
very quiet... his father says he always has been ( shy)
I am grateful he has no behavioral problems, like his older sister
who has enough bad attitude for 2 people ( mean ones)

Yes he will be blue collar as he doesn't do well in school, esp reading.


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

preso said:


> I saw on myspace his friends call him dumbass... maybe he is?


that's awful. I really hope you're not seriously considering thinking of him that way. kids always call each other names.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

I have been reading your posts...as your attacking me is bothersome...
i dont know what your whole situation is but from what I have been reading it seems there is bitterness, jealousy and a blame game going on ...maybe that should be thought about too


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

lost1234 said:


> i dont know what your whole situation is but from what I have been reading it seems there is bitterness, jealousy and a blame game going on ...maybe that should be thought about too


There is no jealously or bitterness from me to them except that I don't like them as people. I also have to protect myself from them as they are also FAKEs... their lifestyle as they know it will come to halt very soon, and they are unready for adult life, with no concept of reality.
There is nothing we can do about it either as their mother has created this situation and all we can do is make sure when they start to tumble, as is already happening, it will be directed at their mother, who started all this.
They are beginning to do things like blow up car engines, not want to work, not pay for gasoline, want to take vacations...
and their mother is having to foot the bills.
She is not a rich woman, so her capacity to do things for them is limited and we have no intention of taking over with the facade.

Far as attacking you... I just disagreed with you. 
Disagreeing with someone is what it is, don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

UPDATE:

situation with step son who does not live with us. His sister says she has been helping him with school work and also to fill out a job application. He has not been able to get a job because he can't fill one out !... I have decided to do nothing as he is one of those people who will ask for help and then become resentful if you tell him something he doesn't like or want to do.
It is apparent he will have a job in life that will be hard, labor type job as he is so unmotivated to do anything but play.
His mother made BIG MISTAKES in buying him things he did not earn. I never in my life heard of a parent buying their kid a car and boat when they are failing school.
His mother is trying to bribe him or buy his love. She will be sorry and bear the grunt of the monster she created by spoiling him.
Not us...
my husband and I are fully aware how this is going to break down
and already making plans as he is not going to come crying to us he needs gas money or help paying rent when he's 30... lol

I'm just glad my husband has finally woke up to the situation and 
does not have the guilt he once did about them as he really has no control over what his ex does.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok, i dont understand why your husband or yourself didnt step in years ago and teach them when they were younger what was happening.
it bothers me that you are advising that we tell our children the truth about my h being sick. he is not on his death bed, he is taking care of all of his responsibilities, only needs some space.
it seems to be contadicting to me


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

On the topic of my thread....


My only question is:
will he be able to finish high school?

I'm told they push kids like this through, as they can only fail them so many times. The child support ends in a few years regardless if he graduates.
That his mother has him driving cars and boats, will not help her case any in extending the child suport until he is 21 as she will have no case to have it extended. He can always get a job delivering pizzas.

His mother will tire of him doing so little as an adult, as he does now and being the situation is what is is, she will tire of him mooching and freeloading off her with his now expensive tastes and expecations and throw him out.
He will get a rude wake up call as to the realities of life.
It's too bad, but thats how it's going to break down. His mother is the poster child of how to screw up your kids. It's unfortunate but it looks like stepson will be lucky to even get a job delivering pizzas because I dont think he can count money either.
Anytime he is asked anything, he feels threatened and gets nasty, that he is being "abused"... so my husband and I are helpless to help him. We stand by and watch, helpless.
He is a teenage snob ! and the sad part is, when he wakes up one day and realizes he's not Bill Gates son, he will realize he will have to work hard in life. 
How he passed his drivers license test is beyond me. It's all just so sad and we are so helpless to help him. He is now refusing to see his father because his father didn't want to buy him a navigational device for his car and boat !
His mother told him, it was the least he could do as his father.
Like he could even read the directions to work such devices ! ha !

I suggested he buy his son some flash cars... you know 2 plus 2 equals?
because thats what he NEEDS !


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

to the question...yes he will finish high school, and then be left hung out to dry. Lifes lessons are hard. thats why we as parents are supposed to guide our children, to teach them and support them. give them the tool so the are able to make wise decisions.

i understand they are not yours biologically...but they ARE your husbands. I realize he was probably working, but at some point when these problems were discovered, which seem to be some time ago, he should have stepped up to bat with them, and i feel you should have stood up with him! As his wife, not their mother.

why all of the sarcastic remarks...they are people. if you have so many suggestions and know what the need then take action and do something about it.its not too late, they are still young!


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Please try to keep these discussions civil.

We need to recognize that all humans have limitations. People with learning disabilities in some areas can also have great attributes in other areas. Also, if a true "learning disability" exists, all of the flash cards and teaching in the world won't enable the person to function up to par with "normal" people in the area of the disability.


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