# Looking for different perspectives please...



## adviceseeking (Mar 13, 2015)

This is going to be a long post, so please bare with me. A little background - my husband and I have been married 9 years - together for 11. We have 4 small children - aged 3.5 years to 7.5 years. I'm 30, he's 36. I have been generally happy in our marriage and for the last few years, he has been generally unhappy. A few years ago, he started to read a lot of marriage help books. Our children were even smaller then and I definitely believe that his sexual needs were not being met. We are both generally non-confrontational with each other - especially when it comes to issues that arise in our marriage. So, he would read these books but not have a real conversation with me about them. He would just suggest that I read them too. I got about 3 pages into a couple Dr. Laura books but just could not stand to read them. I am all about making your man happy but it seemed like there was a lot of "submit to your husband" stuff that I wasn't really buying. I did read the 'For Women Only' book and actually started a book study on it with a couple of girlfriends. DH and I didn't really have serious conversations about them and I didn't realize he was as unhappy as he was. His ideals started to change (a whole different post for another day...) and he didn't file his taxes for about 4 years. Last summer, the IRS levied about $8000 from our savings as a result of his failure to file. That was basically all of our savings and I was mad. With these changes in his ideals, we had friends and family that were all thinking he was crazy but I didn't argue with him. He believed that what he was doing was the right thing for him so I supported him. After the money was taken by the IRS, I was pretty upset. We had a car repossessed, we had a home foreclosed on, and this was my final straw. I could no longer just be supportive and let this ruin us financially. I basically told him that he needed to fix it and there really wasn't room for discussion. I went to work the next day, and when I came home he met me outside to tell me he was leaving me. He had already packed up his things and told our children that he was leaving. I was shocked. I seriously had no idea that he had been that miserable that he wanted to leave me. He had apparently been thinking about this and planning this for months. He told our children without me even being there or having a conversation with me. He said that he was tired of living like roommates. That he was tired of me putting the kids first before our marriage. We have had a few conversations about this before but never, "I'm so miserable in this life with you that I am ready and willing to walk away." His go-to for advice during this time was his 20-something brother who happened to be single. Never married, no children, no way he could possibly know what our life is like. DH and I were able to talk it out over the next few days and he decided to come home. I made it a point to be a better listener and to pay more attention to the things he was talking about. I made it a point to have sex more frequently. Just for the record, I do not think that I am a refuser when it comes to sex. I can't think of a time when I have said, "not tonight." I am not the best at initiating. I admit that and know that that is something that I need to work on. But I don't think DH is a good initiator either. I'm a firm believer in, if you want it - just ask or initiate. He doesn't really do that. So that's kind of the back story. Fast forward to now - I can feel he and I shifting back into a rut in our marriage. I think it happens to everyone. I don't think that it is specific to just our marriage. When it starts to happen, I find a sitter and schedule a date night. Life is exhausting sometimes with many small children who all have many small demands. He visits all of these marriage forums but never stops to try to have a conversation with me about whatever seems to be bothering him. Lately he has been reading about sexless marriages and the forgivenwife blog (about her being a refuser and withholder.) I don't consider our marriage a sexless one - we have sex about once a week. But it appears as though he believes it is a sexless one. Yet, he doesn't talk to me about it. (I know about what he looks at online bc I checked his browser history a few weeks ago after I was using his computer and opened a new internet tab and it informed me that I was opening a new "incognito" tab. I had no idea that that even existed and then that got me thinking, "what is he doing that he has to hide it from me?") If he feels like he is in a sexless marriage, why isn't he making an attempt to initiate sex? He doesn't do it very often at all and it can't be because he thinks I'll refuse because I never do - and I'm always a willing participant. I don't just roll my eyes and lay there until it's over. I enjoy it - he can tell that I enjoy it. If he feels like we are living like roommates again, why doesn't he do anything about it? Is he just going to stew about it until he can't stand it and leave me again? How can reading marriage forums and suggesting I read them as well going to actually make things better if we aren't going to communicate or take action? I have been reading these forums and some marriage blogs. I'm reading 'His Needs, Her Needs' right now. I'm trying. I would just like some perspective from other men and women.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like you two don't really talk much. The first step to defining and solving any problem is to talk about it and agree there is one, and then go deeper. Have you tried to pin him down about whatever is bothering him? If so, has he brushed you off? Then it's on him if you've tried a few times and been rebuffed. Otherwise, keep trying or start trying.


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## adviceseeking (Mar 13, 2015)

I actually tried to talk to him the other day about whatever is bothering him or our distance and it just seemed like he got defensive and tried to turn things around on me and hurt my feelings.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sounds to me that he is a 'avoider'. Rather than face issues and take action, he dwells. Thinking about stuff isn't working on stuff. Have you noticed him doing anything different at all like he's trying to make a change? Avoiding type people tend to sit back and wait for it to resolve itself.


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## adviceseeking (Mar 13, 2015)

To be fair, unfortunately, I think we are both avoiders. We are both very non-confrontational and we rarely fight. But we do get distant and he has left me so...I'd like to avoid that again if I can.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Reading about women won't help him initiate.

Also, is he reading to learn or is he selecting posts that validate his preconceived notions?

If he's reading forums like these he cant've missed comments just like yours. "If you want it, just ask." So why ain't he asking?

Can't figure this one. The brother's single guy influence may not be great,, but any jealousy about his lifestyle seems kinda pointless if he's dreaming about women he won't be able to initiate with.

If he can't step out of his comfort zone and, so far, there's little light on where his head is at,,, why don't you?

Jump his bones and see if he loves it or rejects it. Either way,, at least you'll know you've covered all your bases.

The results will provide answers or clues. Give it a whirl and report back - or keep on shàgging if it turns out to be a miracle cure. Doubt that,, but if the status quo ain't cutting it,, nothing like a good shake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adviceseeking (Mar 13, 2015)

Since I know things need to change, I've tried to make super subtle changes. I actually got dressed in our bedroom last night instead of the bathroom. He just rolled over and went to sleep. I am not a morning person and he gets up super early for work. This morning, I got up at the ungodly hour of 4am, brushed my teeth, and headed downstairs to initiate a quickie before he left for work. I ended up startling him, he kind of acted like a ****, the mood/motivation was gone for me, and back to bed I went. Perhaps I'll try again another day and announce myself better...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening adviceseeking
Lots going on here. The easiest to think about is sex, so I'll talk about that. 

Different people have different libidos. Once a week is find for some, more than others want, and much too rare for yet others.

It sounds like he desires sex frequently. That is fine. It sounds like you do not desire it as much. That is also fine. But - if you are too mismatched you are going to be unhappy together. 

It is quite possible that it is not sex that he wants, but to be desired. He doesn't initiate because he doesn't want you do to him a favor, he wants you to want him. 

My suggestion is that you try. Initiate every day or two. If the kids are at home, you can still do things in bed after they are asleep. Do what he likes, and tell him what you want in bed. Try for just a few weeks. I will bet that things will get MUCH better.


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## adviceseeking (Mar 13, 2015)

I will say that it isn't very motivating to want to jump his bones when I'm in the kitchen finishing and getting dinner settled for all the kids and he's sitting on the couch looking at a bunch of pics of hot girls on The Chive...


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

adviceseeking said:


> I will say that it isn't very motivating to want to jump his bones when I'm in the kitchen finishing and getting dinner settled for all the kids and he's sitting on the couch looking at a bunch of pics of hot girls on The Chive...


I think you may be going about this the wrong way. Lifting him out of his rut may require demanding more, not less of him.

I know that seems counter-intuitive but it really sounds like he's unhappy with his life and that you're just part of that.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

adviceseeking said:


> I will say that it isn't very motivating to want to jump his bones when I'm in the kitchen finishing and getting dinner settled for all the kids and he's sitting on the couch looking at a bunch of pics of hot girls on The Chive...


lol - I'm sure it isn't.

Him looking at girls he couldn't initiate with if he had them.

You looking at him looking at girls and not initiating.

He probably has an intimacy issue.

You apparently have a fear of rocking the boat. If you don't rock it,, he won't change. At least, not for the better.

If you can't/won't jump him,, suggest therapy to him,, though his pointing you to read forums suggest he thinks any 'fault' is yours.

For sure,,, one of you has to get out of your comfort zone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

For an average guy 'once a week', which let's be honest here, will be 3 times a month at most, is barely tolerable.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You sound a lot like my wife OP. You seem to mean well but you do have a sexless marriage.

Its not necessarily the frequency. It's the fact that one party isn't happy with the frequency. 4 young kids is tough. But children should never be a reason that the relationship takes a back seat.

I've preached this to my wife for years but she ignores it. Finds all the time in the world to do the things she wants to do but never seems to have the time for the husband. 

If that sounds like you I urge you to look within yourself and see if its worth changing. If he's too far gone with his "lifestyle change" and continues to ignore bills than there's nothing to be done here. That will definitely contribute to you not wanting to initiate.

Don't know what else to tell you. At least you're trying. And believe me, it will count for something if he's not completely done.


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