# Is it over?



## confused819 (Oct 5, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years, married for just over 1. We got together very young – 16 and 18. Recently I have discovered that I am unhappy in our relationship, and it is breaking my heart; but I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage or not.

Long before we got married, we discussed having children and decided we didn’t want them. However, in June I had an unplanned pregnancy that tragically ended in a miscarriage. I realized during and after that situation that my viewpoint had changed, and that I really want to have children. My husband, however, still does not. He has recently taken to telling me although he doesn’t want children now, he might want them in the future. For me, this feels like a way for him to keep me happy while still maintaining that he does not want children.

My husband is not affectionate, and although in the past I was able to brush this off, I feel now that I really need the affection to feel appreciated and wanted. I have talked to him about it multiple times, and his answer is that he doesn’t want to do that. There is no compromise, and normally he gets angry. When we have discussions or arguments, although we never call each other names or get nasty with each other, he immediately closes up and believes everything is always his fault. This is really frustrating.

We are most definitely also in a rut. Our routine is work, and then we come home and he plays video games and I watch TV. We do go out to eat together about once a week, but he feels that we need to go out places together more often. My problem with this is that he can’t pay attention to me at home – why would going out somewhere make this any better? Also, whenever we go anywhere with other people (especially my family) he is miserable and acts like he doesn’t want to be there. I am extremely close with my family, and I always have been. If anything after being with him I have spent much less time with my family than before, but he makes no effort to have a good time when we are with my family at all.

I also feel that I am no longer in love with him. I love him as my best friend, but that’s all I feel – as if we are friends. We have a relatively healthy sex life, but I don’t feel that connection with him anymore; I don’t feel love. This is the worst feeling in the world – knowing that you no longer are in love with your husband, and thinking that you don’t even want to fix it.

Recently I told him I wanted a break to figure out how we both feel about children and everything else, and I left for three days. He told me that he feels like I am leaving him, and if I do leave him he will have nothing left and will kill himself. This obviously upset me, because he is my best friend even if I am not in love with him I don’t want to hurt him. After a day or so though, I felt angry. How could he put so much pressure on me? How could he be so selfish? I want someone to want me – not need me in a desperately sad kind of way. He has always been extremely dependent upon me, to the point where he cannot make his own decisions and clearly feels his life is nothing without me. I am very independent and this just rubs me the wrong way.

When I came back from our short separation, I realized I didn’t miss him at all and that I am not in love with him. It is really, really difficult for me to feel this way – I don’t know how long I have felt this way, just that I have finally realized I am feeling that. I am struggling because I know marriage is a big deal, and we have been together for so long, I have a duty to try to fix the situation. If I am being honest with myself though, I feel so apathetic about the whole situation that I’m not sure it can be fixed or if I even want it to be fixed. I have also developed very, very strong feelings for someone else, and it is hard for me to ignore. I have a connection with this person I have never had with my husband – not even during the good times. I don’t want to give up this connection, but I know I am married. I am so torn and confused, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have decided to go to counseling with my husband in the hopes that I can get that connection I feel with the other man, and that love that I feel with the other man with my husband. But at what point do I have to admit to myself and to my husband that our marriage is over?


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi C, 

Read your post, you are both very young and have been together for a while. Sorry to hear that you are having problems, from what I am seeing here, it looks like he is somewhat co-dependent, and you appear to be quite independent.

It sounds like both of you are not really listening to each other, even though you state what your needs are and wants they go on deaf ears, we all want love and affection and to be acknowledged, that is as it should be and natural. 

You said about if he doesn't give you this at home then why would he if you did other things? To me you should get out and do things together besides the odd trip going out to eat. I would say find a common interest or go to someplace of interest to get away from the mundane things of everyday life, then you may enjoy each others, company more when you are doing something together. 

Another person cannot fill the happiness that needs to come from within, and they will not fill a void so I wouldn't go that route at all. 

I feel that counseling is in order so that you can both be heard and communication is key, so perhaps you could consider this first as you stated, I hope you are both willing to go?

One day at a time, it sounds like at this point you don't respect your husband so that should be brought up and your needs and his needs faced to see how you can possibly work together. 

Peace


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