# Husband wants a divorce



## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

The other day, I guess my husband had finally had enough and told me that he wanted a divorce. Is it just me or is it the last fight every couple has before divorce something ridiculously stupid like a $2 bag of potato chips or not putting gas in the car or forgetting to get paper towels at the grocery store? He says that he wants a divorce once our youngest is out of the house, which is six years from now. I'm debating whether I just force the issue now or try to figure out how to make this relationship work for the next six years under these new circumstances. 

The main reason I am posting right now is that I finally got up the courage to make an appointment for individual counseling. It took me months to get to this point and I was practically in tears just leaving a message. I don't know what I'll be like when they finally call me back to set the appointment. Then I guess I'll actually have to go and talk and cry - I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not. I need to figure out how to cope with all of this. It's not easy. I've always said that being married is very difficult, but it's starting to feel like ending this marriage is going to be the hardest thing of all. Frankly, I'm not opposed to the divorce. We've definitely grown apart lately. But this is still very difficult. I still love the big idiot and I hate the thought of this family breaking up.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let me just verify something.

Your husband has been willfully out of work since at least 2013.

Your husband doesn't like to be around other people.

Your husband loses his temper frequently with you and your children.

Your husband is simultaneously a know-it-all and yet doesn't actually do anything with that knowledge.

And he doesn't do any housework or help much with the kids, either.

Is any of this wrong?

And if not, why are you not the one kicking him out? Or at least not fighting him leaving?

PS he's bluffing.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

marduk said:


> Let me just verify something.
> 
> Your husband has been willfully out of work since at least 2013.
> 
> ...


You're not wrong except that he's been out of work since 2003 (not 2013). One of the main reasons I haven't kicked him out is financial. He has no money at all so it would cost me money to get him out and keep him out (i.e., I'd have to pay his bills - I don't want him to be destitute). Despite his occasional outbursts, I'm still not convinced that he should be away from the kids. I feel conflicted because I know that I am probably too soft on them and so maybe I'm overreacting to what I think is him being too hard on them. They are awesome kids and they tell me that they want him around. 

As for bluffing, for right now, I agree. He's told me this before (and I agree) - he's not serious until he actually gets a job. He knows he can't afford to leave. He's pretty much alienated all of his friends so it's not like he can go crash on someone's couch.

Re-reading this post, I think I sound like a pushover (by not kicking him out). This is where I am most conflicted: I am constantly talking myself out of being really harsh with him because he does have good qualities. And I don't want to put him out on the street when we've got all this history together, a lot of which is really good. And he's the father of my kids, who love him. I think it would hurt them to perceive me as being mean to their father.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what you do:

"Husband, get a job, or get out. Your choice."

Understanding of course, it's not about the job. But it is likely a central feature in this equation.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

That's rich, he's telling you he wants a divorce when he has not supported his family in 13 years? Is he a stay at home dad and you work so much you can't take care of your kids or are you working a lot because he can't get a job? 

I think it's all about what we agree to . If you have agreed to be the breadwinner and he's agreed to do 100% of the child raising while you bring in the money and you are both fine with that then it's great. 

But if not then think again.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

My dear Lady 

Hold the door open and push him out. NO MAN WITH A WIFE AND FAMILY STAYS HOME FOR 13 Years.

You get the counseling you need and get him out the door unless he gets a job immediately.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You don't want him to be destitute?? That is on HIM my dear...fvck this sh!t. He is capable of working, so kick his mooch ass out and whatever happens to him is his own responsibility, not yours. He wants to make you miserable for the next six years? No, he needs to go NOW.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Yeah, he sounds to me like a lazy bum. And considering he's been out of work for 13 years, I can't think of any way you could make a case to the contrary.

Him being destitute is his problem. He is fully capable of making his own money, you're just enabling his laziness and lack of responsibility.

And as for your kids, you are teaching them how a marriage is suppose to work. You are also teaching them how to be an adult and make good decisions. Do you want them to marry free-loaders who don't care about them because they think it's normal? Is the state of your marriage what you want to imprint upon them as marital love?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I went and re-read your OP from 3 YEARS AGO...you husband is a selfish ass, and you need to get rid of him. Why in the world do you tolerate this?? My second husband was SO MUCH like your H that its scary...except for the fact that he worked his butt off. Everything else though is like a flashback...I divorced him after a horrible road trip with him and my daughter where I had that SNAP moment. (or CLICK, if you like) He turned out to be a miserable, nasty man, not at ALL who I believed I was marrying.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm glad you're getting counseling soon.

While you like him there for the kids, what you are showing your kids is that it's OK to make one person do all fo the work in a relationship - at a job, at home, etc. And you are showing them it's OK to treat you with disrespect by making you do all of that. This isn't a SAHD situation where he does all of the housework and laundry and has dinner on the table - the workload is very unbalanced. Six more years of you being the breadwinner will mean palimony for you. He needs the ultimatum now. If he gets a job and stays, good - maybe you two can work it out. If you are afraid his getting a job is a sign he's serious about leaving - again, good. It's time he grew up and became responsible. Noone with self respect would let someone else shoulder all of the work. He should be contributing as much as you - whether it's around the house or with income.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

If he hasn't worked since 2003 you might be paying support . See a lawyer know what your up aginst. Make nice and encourage him to work. Then once he got a job file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> If he hasn't worked since 2003 you might be paying support . See a lawyer know what your up aginst. Make nice and encourage him to work. Then once he got a job file.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, maybe not...if there is no physical or mental disability/reason for him not working and he just CHOOSES to be a lazy leech, that may have some impact on the outcome. Spousal support isn't prevalent as it used to be. But agree, lawyer up for sure.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Is there any reason why he does not work? Health, weight, etc? If not, call his bluff and tell him to beat it now and that you will not be supporting him. Surely the kids have no respect for such a man, and what on earth are you both teaching them?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

marduk said:


> Your husband is simultaneously a know-it-all and yet doesn't actually do anything with that knowledge.


:lol:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your response should be - "how about tomorrow."


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Running Mom said:


> You're not wrong except that he's been out of work since 2003 (not 2013).


I don't know what's funnier. This OR... 



Running Mom said:


> he wants a divorce once our youngest is out of the house, which is six years from now.


This. Soooo you are supposed to wait around... For 6 years.... To get dumped.

Your husband is a fvcking LOSER! And you have him on a pedestal!

Any woman with an ounce of self respect would of dumped him LONG ago.

Why would you tolerate this? How did you become his doormat? What's wrong with you?!?

Does he offer lessons on how to mooch off women? If so, I'd pay to attend his next seminar.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Just realized this is a zombie thread..... In any event, my advice stands should you ever return.

@Running Mom only place you need to run to, is for the hills. Seriously...... Dump this deadbeat ASAP.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Running Mom said:


> Re-reading this post, I think I sound like a pushover (by not kicking him out). This is where I am most conflicted: I am constantly talking myself out of being really harsh with him because he does have good qualities. And I don't want to put him out on the street when we've got all this history together, a lot of which is really good. And he's the father of my kids, who love him. I think it would hurt them to perceive me as being mean to their father.


Everybody has "good qualities", nothing special about your H in that department.

What he lacks is basic fundamental responsibility for making contributions to the family. And, apparently, the ability to get along with people.

Robert Half, a guru on hiring people (but the advice also applies to people you want close to you in personal living as well) said this:

There are three basic categories of "qualities" you seek in people.

1) A fundamental ability to get along with everybody, work through at least minor communications problems, walk into a room full of strangers and even if you're too shy to engage, at least you don't anger them.

2) A basic understanding of "what must be done" at simple levels such as show up for appointments on time, clean up after yourself, if you use something put it away - e.g., behave as if you're not the only one here.

3) Some kind of special added stuff that makes this person ideal for this job/relationship...e.g. you want a gentle husband, he is one (maybe true)

Robert Half says that the easiest one to teach is #3. #2 can be taught with great difficulty, if the person makes it to, say, 20-25 years old and still doesn't get it. If they reach adulthood (20-25 years old) and aren't fully capable in #1, you cannot teach it, they won't learn it because they think there's no problem.

How much of the rest of your life do you want to spend with someone who isn't, by behavioral standards, out of high school?

I wouldn't say you're a pushover, but I'd say you are not holding him accountable for being an adult.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Him being destitute is *his problem.* He is fully capable of making his own money, you're just enabling his laziness and lack of responsibility.


I thought this particular gem needed emphasizing.

What my sig is all about is what can you do versus what you are responsible for doing. At the end of any analysis, you cannot be responsible for things you don't control. You do not control his behavior, his feelings, his thoughts - or anybody's results.

If he becomes destitute, it is not your problem, it is a result of all of his thinking and choices.

You and your children deserve better.


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