# Is there anything worth fighting for?



## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

I am new here...stumbled across this forum kind of by accident but am so glad that I did! I am 33 and have been married for 8 years...together for 11. We have 4 beautiful children and for the last 10 years I have been a stay at home mom. It's a long story (who's isn't?) but I will try and keep it short.  Key word “try” lol

We have been separated for 3 months. We first separated because we were constantly fighting and we had both agreed that it wasn’t healthy for the kids. We thought it was best that we lived separate and tried to work on our issues that way. I then found out that he was seeing a 21 year old…he is 37. When I first found out about her and talked to him about it, he said she was just a distraction because we were fighting. We decided to give our marriage another chance but still thought we should live separate while we did this. I started to receive email messages from this girl and when I asked him about it he said he had already told her we were trying to make things work and he would talk to her again. He then came to me and said that he talked to her and he needed to figure out if the feelings he had for her were real or not. I told him to go ahead but if he left then that was it for us. I would also start dating. He didn’t like that. He phoned her in front of me and told her that he loved me too much to let me go and he really wanted to give our marriage another chance. 

He moved back in and we spent more time with the kids and friends. Things were great…or so I thought. We have trust issues and had agreed to give each other free range of our facebook accounts and cell phones. One thing we had agreed upon to make things work was complete honesty and he would have no contact with this girl. I found out that he was deleting text messages and was still keeping in contact with her. When I questioned him about it, he said things weren’t working out between us while living together and he thought it was best if he left. He kissed our kids and told them he was going to stay with his sister for a few days and would be back. That was 3 weeks ago. 

During the last 3 weeks he has continued to tell me that he loves me but his feelings aren’t the same. When I would ask him if he was dating this other girl, his answer was always no. She is a friend and he is just having fun but she means nothing to him and she is moving to Europe soon anyhow. We have gone to 2 sessions of marriage counseling but he has not been truthful at all so I said I wasn’t going to come back unless he was going to be 100% truthful. He told the counselor that we would call if we wanted to book another appointment. 

This girl was posting all sorts of comments on his facebook that our children could see and when I brought it up to him he said he would take care of it. He didn’t, so I messaged her and we started talking. I told her everything that he has been saying to me, and how he still wants to work on our marriage and denies dating her. She wanted to meet with me and him, to get everything out in the open. I agreed, only for her to back out. He has now admitted that he is dating her and is now mad at me for talking to her. I thanked him for finally being honest with me and told him that maybe now is the time to have a talk with the kids and let them know that we are separating and he is not moving back in. (they still ask every day when is daddy moving back in and his answer has always been soon) and to talk to lawyers to have a separation agreement drawn up. He keeps avoiding this. If he has moved on and obviously has a girlfriend why can’t he agree to tell the kids and have a separation agreement drawn up? Why can’t he let me go and let me move on when he obviously already has? Why the games? I am seriously at a loss. He keeps telling me to go and have fun and we will work things out and everything will be okay. Not to worry just to relax. What does that mean? I can’t take another day like this and neither can the kids. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage, I do believe that people give up too soon. There’s a reason why it says for better or for worse in our vows…right now is our worse. So how do I get through it? And when is it time to give up? Is there anything worth fighting for if I seem to be the only one fighting?


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

I say you need to stop contacting him. If you want go read my post its titled My Story.. But I have had no contact with my H and he only calls to talk to the girls (Well one of them since the other is too little to talk) every night. I've gotten my separation paperwork started. 

But I do think you need to stop calling or texting him. I have an issue when he does call and wants to "talk" i get angry. But the last 2 convos of mine with him i havent yelled at him.. 

I dont think fighting for it is good. It will push him away farther. When I fought for mine is when my H moved out. HE claimed we were arguing which we were NOT doing at all. We werent talking. 

((Hugs))


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

He knows that this 21 year old is a fling. Right now he's enjoying the high he gets from a young chick and knows that it will be over. Then he is going to come crawling back to you.
With all due respect to you, you are enabling this. Why do you need his permission, cooperation, endorsement to see a lawyer and draw up separation/divorce papers?
Quit giving him chances, quit talking to him. Let him talk to the kids and have no contact with him unless it is absolutely necessary.

And yes, a marriage is worth fighting for, but right now you are fighting in his camp, not yours.


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

With all due respect to you, you are enabling this. Why do you need his permission, cooperation, endorsement to see a lawyer and draw up separation/divorce papers?[/B]Quit giving him chances, quit talking to him. Let him talk to the kids and have no contact with him unless it is absolutely necessary..[/QUOTE]

I agree with the above. Why do you need his approval. Do it. It will show him that you MEAN business. Put the ball back in your court. Right now its in his. 

Their relationship will fail. Its doomed to fail. She has no self respect for herself and he has no respect for you so he wont respect her.. Its a matter of time until it all comes crashing down.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks!! You are both right, I have been enabling it. Why? I really don't know but I know it has to stop. Right now I'm just focusing on the kids and helping them get through this. I have a lawyer and we are having a separation agreement drawn up. I don't contact him at all anymore. I only respond to texts he sends regarding the kids. Since I have stopped messaging him he has found a reason to stop by every day...to drop off movies for the kids, a freezer full of food or he was just in the neighbourhood. I use to let him come in and spend time with the kids but now it is just a short visit at the front door and he takes them on the week-ends.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

Girlx;

Thanks! I read your story and it does sound quite a bit like mine. There is a lot more to my story than I had posted, not all of it was my husbands doing. We both had made bad choices which led to the separation. Things weren't good for over a year before I finally left and then everything just snowballed from there. His family or most of them have never really accepted me because I am not european like them and I had a daughter from a previous relationship. They would constantly put me down because I wasn't cleaning enough or cooking enough or strict enough with my children. (I don't believe in spanking) My husband is self employed and would work very long hours. He then became addicted to a video game Call of Duty that he would play for hours and hours and shut the kids and I out. I gave up arguing over it and just began doing things with the kids on my own. After months of this I began going to the gym, taking care of me, tanning, going out with friends. He didn't notice at first...how sad is that? But then he started accusing me of cheating. At this time, when things were already not good between us we were hit with another thing to deal with. When I was young I had a baby girl that my aunt and uncle had adopted. Well she found out that I was her birth mom. My husband has always known about her and is even close with her. He was happy that she finally knew until she decided she wanted to meet her birth father. I hadn't talked to him in many years. We were very good friends for a long time after our daughter was born but had lost touch. We finally found him and my daughter and him began to build a relationship through phone calls. He lives quite far so this was the best they could do. Well, she decided she wanted to go and meet him in person as well as his family. She wanted her adoptive mom and I to go with her. I talked to my husband about this and if he was okay with it. He assured me he was and understood why I had to go. So my aunt, daughter and I went for the week-end and stayed at a hotel. The meeting went great. His family was happy to have her in their lives again and she was happy to finally meet them. When I came home, my husband had changed. That is when he started telling me I was a bad mother, a bad wife and I didn't do anything but sit on my butt all day and spend his money. Everything that his family had been saying about me he was beginning to say. This led to major arguments. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wondering why? I tried to talk to him to see where this was all coming from but got no where. He kept telling me I wasn't trying, I needed to do more. He then demanded we have sex every night, which just turned me completely off and he would get angry and break things. His family started coming over more and putting me down. He cut me off from all finances and bank accounts. I had to ask for every dollar and provide him with receipts to prove what I was spending it on. He had his family stop by during the day to check on what I was doing while he was at work. It was just crazy. Anyhow, I had been talking to my daughters birth father and his girlfriend through text messages. He has been with the same girl for 10 years and she is amazing. She was so excited to meet our daughter and we have become close. I wish my husband could have been as accepting. I found myself thinking about leaving my husband but didn't want to make any rash decision. I wanted time away by myself, away from the kids and both families to think. My daughters birth father knew I didn't have any money and knew I needed to get away. He was supposed to go away for work but things had gotten postponed. He had already booked the hotel and told me if I wanted to go I could, he wouldn't be there. His girlfriend knew about his offer and agreed. I know it was probably not the best choice but I decided to go. I told my husband that I was going away for a few days by myself to think about what I wanted from our marriage. He immediately started accusing me of going off to cheat. I went anyway. During those two days I missed my husband. Our marriage was great for the first 9 years and I decided that I wasn't ready to let that go. I came back home and told him I wasn't ready to give up on us but things had to change. We needed to go to counselling. He then told me that he had a GPS tracking system installed in the van and had called the hotel I had stayed at and knew that it was in my daughters birth fathers name. We had a huge blow out fight because I couldn't believe he had trusted me so little to do such a thing. I tried to explain to him that "he" wasn't there and had just paid for the hotel. He told me that if I gave him his phone number and he talked to him that he would believe me. I did. He called "him" and just flipped out. He threatened to kill him and wouldn't listen to anything "he" had to say. I ended up leaving with the kids. I had a friend watch the kids and I went to the police station to have the tracking system removed from the van. My husband continually texted me asking where I was going and would tell me exactly what street I was on and just harassing. He showed up at the police station with his sister drunk and started screaming at the officers to put the GPS back in the van. We found it in the dash behind the stereo and cut it out. I was advised by the officer to not go home that night since my husband was acting so irrational. Well my husbands irrational behaviour continued for the next few days and I then had child services involved because the police officer was concerned for mine and the childrens safety. I decided to take the kids and go stay with a family member for a few days until things calmed down. When I came home 5 days later I found the locks changed on the house. This led to more arguments, and the kids and I went to stay at my parents. Things calmed down a bit and we were starting to talk civil again. He began to spend time with the kids. We decided to put the house up for sale and agreed the kids and I would continue to stay with my parents until it sold and we had gone to some counseling appointments. The house sold quick. My husband changed the locks back so that I could go and get some things for the kids and I. When I went there I found all of my things were gone. All my clothes and any personal belongings were missing. I called my husband and he laughed and said that as far as he knew I took everything wen I left. I know now that his father had a key and had thrown them all out. Needless to say, this started us fighting once again and again the locks were changed on the house. He refused to give me any money for the kids during this time as well. A couple of days before the closing of our house he called and told me he had changed the locks back and I could go and move out the kids things and the furniture. The only things left were the kids furniture and 2 couches and the kitchen table. All of the TVs, appliances, our bedroom furniture, dishes, everything else was gone. The house closed and I only got 25% of the profit. I know I could have gotten more but he wouldn’t agree to it and I needed the money for the kids and I to survive. I didn’t have time to wait for us to fight for it in court. I moved into a new place with the kids. And the rest of the story continues in my first post…I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster through the twilight zone.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

Wow...that was longer than I thought


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

faith07 said:


> I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster through the twilight zone.



Well, welcome to our little amusement park. This particular roller coaster starts out with more lows than highs. As you progress down the track, the lows begin to change. They aren't quite as low with time. Also, the highs become higher and more regular. It is a pretty long ride, so buckle in. There are a lot of us on this darn roller coaster.

You talked to an attorney and filed papers. I would also talk to them about getting more of the equity from the home, an estimated amount of your stuff that was thrown out, and child support.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself and those precious kids. There is a book in my link that I recommend at some point. It is helpful for the kids. Also, I suggest the "Just let them go" thread. 

You are not alone. You have found a place with lots of us going through the same crap.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Well, welcome to our little amusement park. This particular roller coaster starts out with more lows than highs. As you progress down the track, the lows begin to change. They aren't quite as low with time. Also, the highs become higher and more regular. It is a pretty long ride, so buckle in. There are a lot of us on this darn roller coaster.
> 
> You talked to an attorney and filed papers. I would also talk to them about getting more of the equity from the home, an estimated amount of your stuff that was thrown out, and child support.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the support!!! It means a lot!!! I don't have any friends that have gone through this...I am the first and everyone is in a state of shock. This site has really helped me see that I am not alone in dealing with this and that there is hope...whether that is working things out with my ex eventually or moving forward as a single mom. My kids really are my strength right now and I feel so blessed and thankful I have them. I have to be strong for them. I have even convinced them to give this other woman a chance. I would prefer if they didn't meet her or know that she was dating their dad, but that is not something I can control and therefore just have to help them through it. They have been introduced to her, but think she is just a friend. I really hope that their dad keeps it this way and limits any contact with her as I really don't think it will last. Thanks again for the warm welcome!!! This site has already given me strength and hope that all will work out the way it should.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

There is a section in the book about meeting significant others of mom and dad. I just skimmed that section since it doesn't really apply to me at the moment. There was a drawing a kid about 10 or so made. It had several different frames. One was a flower delivery truck, the flowers on the table, Dad coming home, and Dad yelling, "Who sent these flowers?" Obviously, it wasn't him. 

Hang in there. You have lots of us here going through infidelity, separation, divorce, etc.


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