# is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive man



## onceler1 (May 15, 2015)

*is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive man*

I'd say overall me and my wife have a good sex life. The only thing that makes me wonder if anything is wrong is, as the man I often want it a lot more often than she does. This used to frustrate me quite a lot and I'd get quite pissy/lectury about it. I've kind of learned to let go, and things have gotten better since then since she never feels like I'm begging anymore.

HOWEVER, I've fallen into a pattern where I will WAIT for her for several days, have sex, and it's good, but then I need it EVEN MORE the following morning and for a couple of days after. My solution to this has been to masturbate. And always AFTER I've saved it up for her, I NEVER do this leading up to when I know she'll be receptive to me. This used to bug me HUGELY because she's always had a very very big hangup about the idea of me masturbating. I agonized over it for years and came clean to her back in 2013 or so. Her overall response was not to increase openness but to just say she didn't want to hear about it.

So, it is what it is. We have a good sex life but since she can't be there for me the 2 or 3 times I need it AFTER we have sex I usually have to relieve myself.

Is this a good or a bad solution? I sometimes wonder. But it sure beats the alternative where I'm distracted at work because of no relief.

Did I make it clear I ALWAYS wait for her? It never has become a habit where it OVERTAKES our sex life, I always "charge up" for like 5 or 7 days, then we have it, then she doesn't want it the 2 or 3 times directly after that that I need it. It's too bad our sexual desire is not the same but I guess that is pretty common.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

I think you found a healthy and good solution.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

I agree with girlpower. You are not masturbating INSTEAD of sex. And yes, it is not unusual to want more right after you have it.

Would she be open to giving you a hand, so to speak? If not, and once a week is all she is willing to give, then I see nothing wrong with a couple of games of solitaire.


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## Coastalguy (May 15, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

Someone once said, 'sex begets sex'. In my case this is true and it sounds like it applies to you. IME more so if you hold off for many days. 

I think the most important thing is that you save up for intimacy with your wife which you do. If she doesn't want to go again in the following short term then I see nothing wrong with self service. 
Rather that than distraction or temptation.





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## HDC (Nov 8, 2017)

I really wouldn’t overthink this. I’m much the same way, the more I have sex the more I want sex. I’m better having none than on occasion. I’ve always masturbated pretty much when I wanted too, never has caused a problem with my sex life which isn’t very active anyway. My wife much like yours doesn’t want to hear about or know about my masturbation. She doesn’t ask I don’t tell. I guess my opinion is if my wife isn’t going to be as sexually active as me I don’t think she really should tell me I can’t masturbate. There’s worse things I could be doing.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

OP - couple questions to help the group understand:

- Why again are you 'saving up' before sex? What are you saving for her? 
- Have you had problems in the past with too much masturbation impacting your drive or performance? 
- Why the taboo on this? Pretty common for guys and most wives either understand or don't want to know. Religious guilt? 
- Why such a strict 5-7 day cadence? What happened to spontaneity? 

I don't see anything wrong with this per se, but wondering what other issues you guys have that's driving the questions. Seems like you are being awfully careful around your wife related to your needs and wondering why you feel so guilty.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

It's an unreasonable expectation for a HD spouse to expect or demand that a LD spouse to have sex whenever the HD wants, it's also unreasonable for the LD spouse to be upset by or demand the HD not masturbate. Now the problem comes when the LD has big issues or hang ups with masturbation. If they do they might start to be disgusted by the HD spouse for masturbating which will lead to it's own problems. And if the HD partner is relegated to a life of sneaking around and having to be a masturbation ninja they are possibly going to have negative feelings towards the LD because of that. No easy answers. Your wife needs to accept your marriage is better off with you taking care of business your self a couple times a week than it would be if she was having to reject you often and you being resentful and angry.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



onceler1 said:


> I'd say overall me and my wife have a good sex life. The only thing that makes me wonder if anything is wrong is, as the man I often want it a lot more often than she does. This used to frustrate me quite a lot and I'd get quite pissy/lectury about it. I've kind of learned to let go, and things have gotten better since then since she never feels like I'm begging anymore.
> 
> HOWEVER, I've fallen into a pattern where I will WAIT for her for several days, have sex, and it's good, but then I need it EVEN MORE the following morning and for a couple of days after. My solution to this has been to masturbate. And always AFTER I've saved it up for her, I NEVER do this leading up to when I know she'll be receptive to me. This used to bug me HUGELY because she's always had a very very big hangup about the idea of me masturbating. I agonized over it for years and came clean to her back in 2013 or so. Her overall response was not to increase openness but to just say she didn't want to hear about it.
> 
> ...


*As a middle age to older guy, it's not exactly a bad plan to keep the old prostate cleaned out!*


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

Why bother saving up, what is the impact you are supposedly looking for for her? Doesn't really sound like a good sex life to me but a horrendous mismatch with what a 6:1 or 10:1 ratio of desired vs. actual? "Things have gotten better" because she doesn't actually have to deal with your reality. If she did, perhaps a fair compromise could be reached.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



onceler1 said:


> I'd say overall me and my wife have a good sex life. The only thing that makes me wonder if anything is wrong is, as the man I often want it a lot more often than she does. This used to frustrate me quite a lot and I'd get quite pissy/lectury about it. I've kind of learned to let go, and things have gotten better since then since she never feels like I'm begging anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What are you saving up for? For your retirement?
Just masturbate whenever you feel like it (just make sure no one is around, unless that’s your thing...). Your eye sight will improve 


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

I have a few questions that would help us understand your situation better:

1. When you and your wife have sex, who initiates it?

2. What would happen if you initiated more regularly, so you don't have the "feast or famine" mentality?

3. If you were to initiate more regularly, would your wife go along or reject you?

4. What has your wife said about her reasons for wanting sex every 5 to 7 days and not every 2 to 3 days?

5. How old are you and your wife? 

6. Is this your and your wife's first sexual relationship or marriage?

If you had regular sex, you wouldn't feel the need to masturbate several times afterwards, because you would know you are going to have sex again in a couple or a few days.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

I forgot to ask: Do you have young children? She could be consumed with them, and neglecting the marriage bed as a result.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



onceler1 said:


> ...she's always had a very very big hangup about the idea of me masturbating. I agonized over it for years and came clean to her back in 2013 or so. Her overall response was not to increase openness but to just say she didn't want to hear about it.


 @onceler1 THIS right here is something that you need to understand better. If your wife has hangups about self exploration and self gratification, she is likely projecting something that bothers her about her own sexuality or sexual history onto you. 

Your wife does not want to hear about it because it is her own way to run away and stick her head in the sand regarding a topic that you may need to better understand her and communicate more. Generally speaking guilt, shame, and avoidance are things that serve to hurt trust and communication in marriage. You need to speak with her and make sure any underlying feeling such as those are addressed. 

In a marriage I think it is perfectly OK to be discrete about ones needs and desires for self exploration as long as your spouse if perfectly comfortable asking questions and openly discussing this topic with you from time to time. Differences in opinion and beliefs are to be expected, but guilt and shame afterwards is a red flag that a problem needs to be addressed.

In an example from another marriage and story posted here on TAM about a husband in a similar situation, he was in your same scenario but both he and his wife had an open and accepting attitude towards self gratification and self sexual exploration. She did not desire intimacy as frequently as her husband, but she enjoyed the idea of him thinking about her during the moments when he was alone. So she often gave him something to think about. Perhaps she would spray her perfume on a piece of lingerie and leave that under his pillow alongside some lotion and a note with a heart and smile on it. 

Perhaps you can use that story to illustrate an example to your wife that it would be nice if she cared for an accepted the parts of you that have a strong desire for her, even if she is unable to respond to you in the same frequency. Leaving you completely on your on and her telling you that she does not want to hear about it is something that you should not exactly tolerate. You are allowing her to ignore and neglect you, but at the same time you can not be needy. You need to convey your desires for her as a way to compliment her. If you enjoy thinking about her when you are alone, share that with her in an appropriate way. Explain that you do not want to put pressure on her for more sex, but just simply convey to your wife that you love and desire her and that you enjoy that about your marriage. 

Perhaps you could ask her why she has hangups about masturbation and try to get into an honest discussion about the topic. Particularly as it relates to each of your desired frequencies for intimacy and what you can each comfortably and enjoyably accommodate for each other.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

Why not just masturbate in front of her? If she doesn't like it then she can tag herself in. Seriously, you shouldn't feel ashamed about your sexuality or act like it is hers to control.

Edit: This also goes for if she wants sex but you masturbated recently and need a recharge, then just tell her that without any shame. Sometimes it's good for her to wait her turn and not have 100% control of your sex life.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

Seems like enough questions, a response from the poster might be nice


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



badsanta said:


> @onceler1 THIS right here is something that you need to understand better. If your wife has hangups about self exploration and self gratification, she is likely projecting something that bothers her about her own sexuality or sexual history onto you.
> 
> Your wife does not want to hear about it because it is her own way to run away and stick her head in the sand regarding a topic that you may need to better understand her and communicate more. Generally speaking guilt, shame, and avoidance are things that serve to hurt trust and communication in marriage. You need to speak with her and make sure any underlying feeling such as those are addressed.
> 
> ...


Absolutely!

And I read in second or third response, where it was mentioned "she may be disgusted" but don't let that comment weigh you down. 

A related view; it can be an LD spouse sometimes wants it both ways - they don't want sex except when they want it and if an SO masturbates because it isn't enough the LD may feel like you're proving they don't provide enough sex and they don't like the way that fact makes them feel.

As in having their cake and eating it too.

The LD may then try and create negatives about the HD partner's sexual preferences and increase grief in general.

And the HD is only catering to LDs desires, trying to be helpful.

A catch 22 may occur. 

Good communication is the best and that's only beneficial when both parties desire to communicate. 

You're doing ok. No worries. Best of luck!


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

@onceler1 *Nothing wrong with this.* I'm in almost the exact same situation. We usually have sex about once a week and I don't do anything myself because I save it for sex with her. Then we'll have sex and I'll wake up at 4AM (about six hours later) climbing the walls horny as hell and I have to take care of it. There is absolutely no chance she'll have sex with me again and if I try to leave it alone I can't sleep and I'll be in a crappy mood the next day. I do it for relief. It's not even about enjoyment. It's purely mechanical like eating because you feel starving.

My wife does not have any hangups about it that I'm aware of but she also doesn't have any interest in being involved. I don't know if she knows I even do it but she knows from time to time I do masturbate and ask because I think she'd rather I do alone than have to have sex with me. The few times I did try to wake her up or early morning to do it again, she pretty much got pissed off at me for waking her up.

Now writing this all out, it gets me thinking that maybe I should bring it up with my wife and let her know that this has been happening and get her to commit to a choice. My hunch is that she'll say "do what you gotta do, don't wake me up, and I certainly don't want to do it again for a few days." I have no clue how to bring it up because she is hard to approach about sexual topics as it is. Maybe I should wait until after two cocktails and she's in a sex mood when she is most relaxed about the topic. But enough about me. I digress.

Being horny again six hours after sex is a totally normal biological function for me and it all has to do with prolactin and dopamine levels (and to a lesser degree, testosterone and estrogen.)

So first, I see absolutely no reason you should feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed of doing it. * If your wife has a problem with it, then invite her to offer a solution* (such as participate or have sex again.) I believe that seuxally your partner comes first in all sexual participation as long as they want to. Otherwise it's not about them anymore. You're not doing it recreationally or for enjoyment, rather relief. I don't think it's fair to not help you with it but also be upset with you for doing it yourself. If she is, then empower her to offer the solution (and do nothing/ignore it isn't a solution.)

Now if I found out my wife was masturbating, I might have a problem with it because given the choice I'd like to be involved in either giving her sex, helping her masturbate, or at the very least watch (if she insisted she needed to do it herself.) I don't think it's fair to get sexual enjoyment or relief elsewhere without giving your partner the opportunity to participate... so long as the want to.

That's my opinion.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

General observation - I'm surprised that some of the guys *only* having sex once a week or less have personal hangups on masturbation. Somehow "saving" themselves for a wife that doesn't seem to be terribly interested. They wouldn't dream of badgering her for a second helping so quickly lest they annoy her with their needs because it's been made clear to them they don't want it and wouldn't entertain it. And for some reason these men worry about her opinion about this. 

It's weird...almost as if there was some sort of cryptic correlation between weak and timid behavior and having a sub-optimal sex life. I dunno...maybe scientists will figure this out someday soon so we can all masturbate in guilt-free peace while our needs are ignored.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

Ugh, I am going to say it in capital letters. 

MASTURBATION IS NORMAL AND HEALTHY 

why does your wife have an issue with this!? ESPECIALLY if she does not want sex as often as you do?

I masturbate daily, as does my husband. It doesn’t take away from our sex lives, so no harm, no foul. 

He often gets horny in the early afternoon, I am stuck at work so he rubs one out. I am often horny when I wake up in the mornings, but he is comatose at 5:30 am. Sometimes he will come to enough to kiss on me as I finish myself off. 

And you know what? Sex is not a substitute for masturbation. Sometimes I just want to take care of business and not worry about pleasing someone else. 

As long as self pleasure doesn’t deny your wife of the level of sex she desires, in my opinion you should be free to wank as often as you like.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*

I don't think it is so much masturbation as much as the issue is saving it up for your wife. As other have asked, what are you saving up for. One of the ways you can be more assertive is to just masturbate. If you have expended your self and she comes around looking for some action, what is wrong with just telling her "not tonight, I am all out". If she decides she better get in line sooner next time, then good for you. If she decides you are taking care of it so she doesn't need to bother anymore, then you have your answer to however your future is going to turn out. But either way you are putting the practices of "the 180" into play by focusing on you and your needs first.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



BigDigg said:


> General observation - I'm surprised that some of the guys *only* having sex once a week or less have personal hangups on masturbation. Somehow "saving" themselves for a wife that doesn't seem to be terribly interested. They wouldn't dream of badgering her for a second helping so quickly lest they annoy her with their needs because it's been made clear to them they don't want it and wouldn't entertain it. And for some reason these men worry about her opinion about this.
> 
> It's weird...almost as if there was some sort of cryptic correlation between weak and timid behavior and having a sub-optimal sex life. I dunno...maybe scientists will figure this out someday soon so we can all masturbate in guilt-free peace while our needs are ignored.


Well said.


Ynot said:


> I don't think it is so much masturbation as much as the issue is saving it up for your wife. As other have asked, what are you saving up for. One of the ways you can be more assertive is to just masturbate. If you have expended your self and she comes around looking for some action, what is wrong with just telling her "not tonight, I am all out". If she decides she better get in line sooner next time, then good for you. If she decides you are taking care of it so she doesn't need to bother anymore, then you have your answer to however your future is going to turn out. But either way you are putting the practices of "the 180" into play by focusing on you and your needs first.


For me "saving it" is for my own purposes, not for her specifically. I do it because I have a better orgasm with her the longer it has been since the last orgasm. Long story short, I forced myself to not masturbate and we hadn't had sex for three weeks (due to my traveling and her health.) I watched the calendar... 21 days. I don't remember ever going that long. When we finally did, I had an orgasm unlike anything I remember since I was maybe fifteen. It was very intense, toe-curling euphoria that hadn't experienced since I was a teen (and then I remembered what those were like.) The longer you wait, the more time you have for dopamine levels to rise. It takes almost two weeks for dopamine and prolactin levels to return to normal after an orgasm. And have more dopamine receptors available (hence more intense feeling.) Also masturbating can block androgen receptors with estrogen not allowing the testosterone to get in there which reduces libido. Over a week or two those clear out and you testosterone really kicks in, your masculinity kicks in, and so does your libido.

Maybe not a big deal for young guys. But I'm now 48 and somewhere around 45 I realized I can't masturbate and later have sex quite as soon. The less I do, the better I perform. It works best if it has been at least three days since an O. So now if I think we're going to have sex in less than a week, I save it for that because sex will be so much better. It's purely about performance in my case. If it's going to be more, then I'm not waiting and I have no qualms about letting her know I'm doing it. If she wants to participate, fine, otherwise she'll leave me to it.

My wife used to be up for two or three times a week and I hardly ever masturbated but that's not reality anymore. She also used to ask me to not masturbate because she'd rather I have fun with her and I had absolutely no problem with that. The few times she caught me she got a little jealous that I was having fun without her, and that's understandable saying "Why didn't you invite me?"

Do I don't know about all of you guys, but that's why I try to save it when I can.
How I relate to the OP is that several hours after sex I have this reflective effect where I get super horny. She's not up for round two so I go take care of it and there's no shame in it. Then I'm good for about a week.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Respectfully, I say just buck up and be a man. It ain't gonna kill you. Isn't exercise and sports a better outlet?

I'd say love her harder, "keep" her until you can't go one more second (leave it all on the field as they say) and then hit the weights, run, play sports knowing you are ready to woo her and have her again soon! 

Your solution is for wussies.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'd add, what if your wooing happens to be successful the next night? You will have wasted your mojo.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



CatholicDad said:


> Respectfully, I say just buck up and be a man. It ain't gonna kill you. Isn't exercise and sports a better outlet?
> 
> I'd say love her harder, "keep" her until you can't go one more second (leave it all on the field as they say) and then hit the weights, run, play sports knowing you are ready to woo her and have her again soon!
> 
> Your solution is for wussies.


Yer killin' me 😁

But that's what I like here, a place for different outlooks being shared.

There are actually pros and cons for both directions however if there's more encounters desired, being respectfully requested and repeatedly refused, both SOs desires are equally important, are they not?

How long does one SO have to "suck it up" ? 

I agree with OP taking matters into his own hands, myself. 

Maybe, the W in this case could say, ok, instead of once a week or so, let's try twice a week, or maybe twice on a weekend and once during the week?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



CatholicDad said:


> I'd add, what if your wooing happens to be successful the next night? You will have wasted your mojo.



I dunno about your mojo, but my mojo replenishes itself pretty quickly.  



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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Hey my mojo is fine, but outrageous after a few days... I'm for waiting for it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



CatholicDad said:


> Hey my mojo is fine, but outrageous after a few days... I'm for waiting for it.




Waiting for what? For your balls to explode?


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

*Re: is masturbation AFTER "charging up" for regular sex acceptable for higher drive m*



inmyprime said:


> Waiting for what? For your balls to explode?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The quality of my orgasm is not as important as the quality of the sex leading up to it. If that sex wasn't that "good" normally, "saving up" would be a way to assure a strong orgasm and that may be where many focus their attention. I suspect that there is a sexual connection, mental and/or emotional, missing for some that pushes them towards orgasm-centric sex. 

Think of sex as a fireworks display. The finale (orgasm) is always great and let's say that on a 1-10 scale, the finale is always going to rate between 7-10 for most of us. The fireworks show preceding the finale is where I think so many differ. For some it may rank as a 1-5 show and the finale is what saves the display. I, as well as you I suspect, really enjoy working to increase the quality of the show before the finale because that's where we spend most of our time. 

Practicing mindfulness during sex has really increased the quality of the show for my wife and I. Having a 7-8 show with a 9 finale is preferable to a 1-6 show with a 10 finale for us.

An article about mindful sex 

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-...ships-ted-talk-diana-richardson-a8514926.html


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