# I spy on my wife, I don`t know what to do



## 22emre (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi all,

We have been married for 13 years and we are both 34 years old. She is a childminder, looks after children at home and we got a son, he is 7 years old.


She is very friendly with one of the girl`s father that she looks after.


Every time when he comes to pick her up they speak about 30-40 minutes. (Sometimes i work nights so i would be sleeping when he comes and i hear them). This has been going on more than 2 years.


One day I was giving her a lift to town after she dropped the kids to school. He was driving in front of us. She started to wave him. I said to stop it since she just seen him 4-5 minutes ago when she dropped the kids. She did not stop. I slowed down so he could be ahead from us. When he stopped at the lights she started to wave him again. That made me mad. That night we had a big argument. 

She told me it was a quick reaction when she waved. She said she has to be nice to parents and chat when i asked about chatting to him for 30-40 minutes. Then i told her not to be friendly with him again. We did not speak to each other for 2 days.


Then I decided to spy on her. I am a computer programmer and made an app for her phone to record the sound using the mic. I installed on her phone without her knowing. I bought 2 voice recorder usb sticks from ebay.



That weekend her friend came to us and she told the whole story making fun of me.


Next day I asked her if she said anything to her friend she said "No, don`t be stupid why will i say anything to her"


She lied to me looking into my eyes. Till now I did not question anything she said to me. I did not even know she was lying to me.


I checked her facebook account and under activities she searched for him 7 times in last 5 months. She did not search anybody else more than twice and none of them are male.


Every time she changed her picture he liked it. 


I then decided to have a proper talk with her. I said to her that I heard her talking about the situation to her friend. She said she did not know how i would react that is why she lied to me.

I told her about facebook and why he likes her photo. She said she just wanted to check his daughter `s photo. She said go and ask him why he liked her photo. 

I asked her if she had any lift from him, she said no then 10 minutes later she said she had a lift 3- 4 times because it was raining.

I said to her 

*1- Never lie to me again
2- Never talk about our private life to her friends
3- Never be too close to him. Just tell him about his daughter and dont open any conversations and tell him you are busy *

I said i would be watching her since i lost my trust. 

Next day she said one of the kids mum laughing that i am so stupid and jealous. She said that he is good looking but she sees him as a friend. She said she is not aloud to open conversations and hurry him out of the door. She also said she is scared his wife will say something because they speak for a long time.

She also told the story to her aunty.

Same day he came again and she was all friendly again. she laughed everything he said and he was there for 28 minutes. He asked her if she was busy and she said no. 

I asked her that night if she said anything to anybody. She said no, I told her that i heard her speaking to her aunty. She accepted and said sorry. She swore that she did not tell anybody else. 

I told her that i was hiding in the room and heard everything. 

At the end she said she liked the attention from him. She said he is good looking, there is nothing between them. She does not fancy him.


I feel so bad about this knowing that my wife is kind of cheated on me. I think she fancies him but she can not say anything to me.

Next day I said (bluffing) I want a lie detector test. She said no. When i insisted She said If thinking somebody good looking is fancying them yes i fancy him.

I feel really sick. I dont know what to think or do. 

Today she says she will get the lie detector test since she never fancied him.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

So she's a bold faced liar.

Are there any incidents from the past where your gut was telling you something was wrong? Another person or unexplpained time, etc?


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## 22emre (Apr 13, 2013)

I didn`t have any doubts before. It is the first time I caught her lying. When she speaks to other people, she doesn`t tell all the story. She only tells bits (Bits that i think she is right). 

I don`t know what to think and do. I don`t know if i love her anymore after this. She is keep crying and saying he doesn`t fancy him.

I will keep spying on her and see what happens.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Go with your gut on this one. She IS open to cheating with him. She's lied several times over so you can't trust her. I don't think a "normal" wife would mention that he is good looking as a reason why she talks to him. She likes the attention. That alone is a huge red flag.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

22, 

My respect, you are very good at this game. 

You do the right things. She is very questionable at loyalty to you.

I trust you will follow the kind of standard operating procedures here, and will succeed. 

What I think is worst at this moment is making fun to everybody about your emotions and truely correct suspicions. That is killing to a relation.

She must get this very, very clear burned into her system: Do never do that anymore. That is, as long as she is in a relation with you.

Then there is the lack of boundaries with the OP. This is a red flag. You made your rules very clear and stick to these, and demand her to follow these. Don't give in or she will play you.

Then check out the deal with OP, without giving away you do, monitor her on this one. Never reveal your sources, and for the time being don't make her even suspect you monitor her. If she does, cheaters take it all underground, very difficult to trace. Like people here, they have their own methods. 

My personal opinion is that it may have not gone to far yet, but the danger is imminent. Again, the yoking and making fun of you would kill me, and is the real dealbreaker if I were you.

Take care, keeping cool is your assignment for now.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

You may want to share your concerns with his wife . Chances are that will put the fire out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You don't know what to think or do because you are behind on the subject. 

People don't realize the lack of simple boundaries lead to affairs. 
Here read start reading this book and have her take the quiz. 
Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Now for the reason she is attracted to someone else when it should be you. Is she getting attention from him that's she is not getting from you? She senses he enjoys her conversation. How often do you engage with her and listen to her convo. How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, alone, not in front of TV? When was the last time you had her out on a date. How attractive do you look to her?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Ask her what's more important- your marriage or this "friendship". If you don't want to confront her like that (I would btw), then bring up your concerns to this man's wife.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

22emre said:


> When she speaks to other people, she doesn`t tell all the story.


Making fun of you to others and manipulating the story to make you look bad are acts of war. She obviously has no respect for you. 

This is much further along than some random slight. Steel yourself for more revelations. Read the 180 below. Betrayal has already occurred. It doesn't have to mean sex with someone else.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Many married people don't understand how dangerous getting a crush on someone else is.

To me it sounds like she was just developing a pretty strong crush (which qualifies as an EA), but it doesn't sound like a PA yet.

She very likely does not think she is doing anything wrong. She will have to come to understand that she is walking a tight rope on her way to infidelity.

I'm not excusing her, I'm just saying so many people don't know this is dangerous. Having a crush on someone really can be innocent, so people don't realize it is almost always the first step toward an affair. Most people think they are in control of themselves, so when you try to explain the slippery slope concept, they ignore you because they see no slope. They believe they are standing firmly on the ground.

I could be wrong and there may be more to it. But your snooping would have likely given you some evidence by now if there was a PA going on already.

Therefore, I think you still have a chance to nip this before it gets out of hand, and then you will both have the opportunity to get educated on just exactly how affairs happen.

You need to fire this man as a client, though. First thing. Don't ask your wife to do it, do it yourself. And make no apologies, either. This man's wife wouldn't like what is going on either, so save her the trouble of having to figure this out, too. 

Your wife might balk, but don't waver. Your marriage is too important for you to be wishy washy about this. You may not see the evidence of this for a long time, but one day, your wife will be turned on by the thought that you chased away a potential rival with no apologies. This is what adult males do for their families. They chase off predators.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Nothing to add except that I agree with every post.

Good luck.


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## Afra (Mar 29, 2012)

22emre said:


> Hi all,
> 
> We have been married for 13 years and we are both 34 years old. She is a childminder, looks after children at home and we got a son, he is 7 years old.
> 
> ...



can you feel her love for you?


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## nec (Apr 15, 2013)

I feel your pain. I have a simular situation. My wife has a co worker a man. I first noticed something when I realized she kept bringing him up, she knew alot of personal stuff like his wife drinks too much, what sports his kids play etc etc. So then I started wondering. Then they started texting and calling after hours, and on the weekends always something to do with work. She has several male co workers but he is the only one who seems to always have some after hours issues. I started snooping and found texts on her phone and ipad, that didnt match up on our cell bill. She told me she deletes his texts because if I read them I will read more into them than there is. Recently she had to work several board meetings after hours. I told her I wish she would cut back. She has cut back on all but the one meeting her job requires and the one she volunteers for that he also is involved in. I told her I dont like it she says she will quit if I want her too.....I want her to want to if I make her she will just resent me for it. I am at a loss


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

nec said:


> I feel your pain. I have a simular situation. My wife has a co worker a man. I first noticed something when I realized she kept bringing him up, she knew alot of personal stuff like his wife drinks too much, what sports his kids play etc etc. So then I started wondering. Then they started texting and calling after hours, and on the weekends always something to do with work. She has several male co workers but he is the only one who seems to always have some after hours issues. I started snooping and found texts on her phone and ipad, that didnt match up on our cell bill. She told me she deletes his texts because if I read them I will read more into them than there is. Recently she had to work several board meetings after hours. I told her I wish she would cut back. She has cut back on all but the one meeting her job requires and the one she volunteers for that he also is involved in. I told her I dont like it she says she will quit if I want her too.....I want her to want to if I make her she will just resent me for it. I am at a loss


OP, good luck.

nec, you should start your own thread.
but hear this, she doesn't delete her messages because you will "read more into them", she does it because she doesn't want you to read them.
don't fall for that sh!t.
you would probably read into them their exact meaning.


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## nec (Apr 15, 2013)

how do i start my own thread?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

click on whichever sub-forum you want to start a thread in, and there is a button on top of the existing threads that says 'start new thread"


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

nec said:


> I told her I dont like it she says she will quit if I want her too.....I want her to want to if I make her *she will just resent me for it*. I am at a loss


Nec, 

When will she worry that you'll resent her for being involved with another man, when she should spend that energy and time with you?

Read the link I gave 22mere........

Act quickly, it may already be too late.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

naga75 said:


> click on whichever sub-forum you want to start a thread in, and there is a button on top of the existing threads that says 'start new thread"


I recommend "Coping with Infidelity". Sorry man. Good luck.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I disagree. You are making BASIC mistakes.

Every time she says something you don't like, you go crying other about it. First, that looks weak. Second, you will eventually reveal your sources.

Have some self control. All you are teaching her is to talk outside and away from the house.

Next, you nip this in the bud. Right now. 

So you take a day off work or stay awake at the pick up.

When you see him come up, you call his WIFE's cell number in front of him and say something like this TO HIS WIFE

"Hello, Marta? This is Mr. 22. I am giving you notice that you are no longer our clients. You have one week to find other child care. YOU will have to be the person to drop off your daughter. If I see him on my property again, I'm calling the police for trespassing. He is a little too fond of my wife for my comfort. If she continues to see him or contact him, I'm afraid I'll have to assume an affair and act accordingly. Good bye."

This guy thinks he can fish for attention with impunity. He needs to be cured of that delusion. You can be sure he will get an earful when he gets home. 

You do it this way because if you do it any other, your wife will likely ignore your orders and still take in the daughter and see him. Now HE has something to lose.

She is going to blow up at you. Here is what she will say with your response.

Her: How dare you do that to me!

You: I told you my concerns. You ignored the problem and made fun of it. I was deadly serious. Since YOU wouldn't fix it, I did.

Her: Do you know how you made me look?

You: I told you you were acting like a school girl around him. Do you think I am the only one who saw that? You did it to yourself.

Her: Can't I have any friends?

You: Sure. You can be friends with any woman you want. That is 3 billion people. Isn't that enough? You cannot be friends with HIM while I am your husband. If you hadn't been so dismissive of my feelings, we wouldn't be here. You were.

Her: I am a grown woman. You can't treat me like this

You: You can act any way you want. Just be willing to accept the consequences of causing MORE trouble in our marriage. Why is he worth this fight if he's Just a client. If you want to 'fancy' a man, do it from afar and don't flirt with him under my nose and in my house.

Her: you are making a big deal out of nothing

You: Then dropping him won't be a problem, will it?

Her: He brought in $X a week? How are we going to replace that?

You: My self respect and marriage are worth substantially more than that. How much is it worth to you?

Her: Why didn't you trust me?

You: I did. I told you about my issues and you did not talk to me about this. You ignored them. So you burned up your trust on this issue.

Hope this helps. And stop running crying about her being mean to you to her friends. It looks weak.

Be ready to call the police. He won't be arrested...but seeing them will make your feelings clear.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

That is excellent advice, JCD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

JCD said:


> I disagree. You are making BASIC mistakes.
> 
> Every time she says something you don't like, you go crying other about it. First, that looks weak. Second, you will eventually reveal your sources.
> 
> ...



Perfect! Great responses to what she is sure to say. Do this....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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