# Flaky female friend Advice please?



## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

I know a lady who is 11 years younger than me (She's 32), who I have known for almost 12 years. She makes it clear she is interested in me and would have a relationship now that I am single. I do like her and she's great fun.

The problem is for the last 18 months she regularly asks me to go out with her (evening meals, drinks, lunch, for a walk, even trips away), I say great, then she goes silent for a couple of days and then cancels the day before with a lame excuse. This happens very regularly. However she does always turn up for lunch dates.

I really don't know what's going on here but I feel she is wasting my time and the unrelaibility is likely to put an end to our friendship, let alone any potential romantic involvement.

I could understand if it was me always asking her out, and she agrees but cancels because she is unsure of me, but it's her who is asking me out!

Maybe any ladies here can advise what's going on?

Here's an example of what happened last week

Thursday - receive an email at work from her - "Hey you ok? Is that restaurant we like still open or has it closed down yet?"

Me: "I'm ok thanks. Yes it's still open for another few weeks"

Her: "Would you like to go Tuesday night?"

Me: "Yes could do but there's a band on Tuesday night we both like at the restaurant around the corner - would you like to go there instead?"

Her: "Yes I would love that"

Monday - Receive an email form her "I think that band tomorrow night will be too late as we have work in the morning, shall we just go to (the original) restaurant instead?"

Me: "Sure, I don't mind, I was thinking it would be late too"

Tuesday afternoon - email from her: " I don't think I can make it tonight I have a pain in my eye, just taken some aspirin. Shall we go Thursday instead?"

Me: " Sorry to hear you're not well, ok Thursday it is then"

Her: "Ok I'm looking forward to it, I'll see you after work"

Then, as I expected, I didn't hear from her again!

This happens all the time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The next time that she asks you out, just tell her that you're not interested. When she asks why, tell her that you're tired of having her cancel at the last minute or -- even worse -- her blowing you off altogether.

Stop going to lunch with her as well.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

"pain in my eye" = I can't see doing that.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Rumple you have lived to long to be putting up with the lack of courtesy this woman has. I suggest you be polite and move on. Just start letting her know you are unavailable anytime she calls. Do not prolng the pain.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Something is going on.

Pain in my eye?

She is a pain in YOUR ARSE!!!!

Move on, there is someone who will value your time and presence!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pain in the eye could be real. Since I'm a software engineer, I'm on the computer most of the work day and at night a lot too. I've been having a lot of eye problems...pain where I cannot keep eyes (usually my left eye) open.

Just saying it could be real. :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you ask her out? Or is she the one who always asks and initiates?


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

She knows that you are into her and will do just about anything to accommodate her. She is manipulative because she knows you will "fall" for it. She knows she holds all the power.

She clearly doesn't respect you. It's all a game to her. She's in complete control - she knows that and she knows you'll do what she wants, when she wants.

Time to move on.....


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Pain in the eye could be real. Since I'm a software engineer, I'm on the computer most of the work day and at night a lot too. I've been having a lot of eye problems...pain where I cannot keep eyes (usually my left eye) open.
> 
> 
> 
> Just saying it could be real. :scratchhead:



I agree with Ele. I canceled a date in the winter because I had an allergy reaction to a tissue I was using. My date thought I was being a flake and got pissed even though I was sick! Why don't you tell her over lunch that you won't put up with flaky behaviors and see what she says.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rumple9 said:


> The problem is for the last 18 months she regularly asks me to go out with her (evening meals, drinks, lunch, for a walk, even trips away), I say great, then she goes silent for a couple of days and then cancels the day before with a lame excuse. This happens very regularly. However she does always turn up for lunch.


Folks, read ^this again. EIGHTEEN MONTHS of this.

Rumple, read my first reply and follow through.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

spinsterdurga said:


> I agree with Ele. I canceled a date in the winter because I had an allergy reaction to a tissue I was using. My date thought I was being a flake and got pissed even though I was sick! Why don't you tell her over lunch that you won't put up with flaky behaviors and see what she says.


OF course! You can have pain anywhere. 

It is just unreasonable for her. Seeing as how she has an Excuse for everything.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There is the possibility that she is interested in someone else more than she is in you, but you are her Backup Plan B.

Or she could just be someone who relishes playing games.

Or she could be a flake.

If any of the above are even remotely possible, I would let her know how you feel. See how she responds. If this game continues, it will be because you are a willing participant.

I would have dumped her like toxic waste by now. JMO.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Rumple, what are you complaining about? You can turn this to your advantage. So she always cancels your evening dates, but keeps the lunch dates. Work with that. 

She can become your "daytime girlfriend" and eventually you'll be getting noontime sex or even during working hours. That's a great way to break up the day!

Meanwhile, date a "normal" woman for the evenings and weekends. Best of both worlds!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Folks, read ^this again. EIGHTEEN MONTHS of this.
> 
> Rumple, read my first reply and follow through.


Yep 18 months of her asking him out.

He does not say that he has ever asked her out.

That's why I asked how often he has asked her out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yep 18 months of her asking him out.
> 
> He does not say that he has ever asked her out.
> 
> That's why I asked how often he has asked her out.


Bran Flakes, Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, who cares? She's flaky!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

So, you recently got divorced? Is that why you and her never had any romantic involvement in the other ten years you've known one another? 

If she were just very nervous and intimidated by you then she wouldn't show up for lunch dates either. So, I would say that eighteen months of blowing you off means that you have always been somewhat in the friendzone with her. She gets bored and asks for your company and then finds someone she feels more interested in and dumps you. I am making assumptions, but there's a lack of info and so I'm liberally filling in the gaps.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

^ I had some of the same thoughts, MSP.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> ^ I had some of the same thoughts, MSP.


Your last post made me hungry. And I'm all out of cereal.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MSP said:


> Your last post made me hungry. And I'm all out of cereal.


Ha ha! I stocked up this past weekend!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That is not a friend.....or relationship material. 

Simple as that. Friends don't stand up their friends or "dates".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rumple, she is pulling your chain........ but you did give her enough length to be able to do so.

In my younger days, when I was much nicer and put up with much more, I would see a permutation of what you are experiencing here.

For example, I would have parties and issue intivatations. then more than a couple of times in my life, there would be one invitee who would call me, reassure me that they really want to come, but there is just one snag.... but they will keep me updated...... One woman claimed that she heard my neighborhood was dangerous and...... so I found someone who would share a taxi with another.... but another excuse came up......

When I finally decided that maybe I should stop taking what people at face value and learn "to read into" what other people were saying, I had to accept that this person either 1) did not want to come but could not bring themselves to say no , or 2) they liked the game playing that goes along with this kind of scenario. As I say to myself now, stop being surprised about the weirdest places that people find value.

What's particularly strange with you, Rumple, is that this woman has been game playing you for 18 months. At least with the same person, you would be less likely to give these scenarios the "benefit of the doubt"... at some point you should feel as if you know her. 

But let me guess, together with her youth (that is 11 years younger than you) and her perceived hotness, you are will to give her a free pass. Would you be putting up with this stuff from a woman closer to your age?

Also, who pays for lunch? You or she? And is there any possibility that she might benefit from her continued networking with you either professionally or socially?

In any case, unlike as one or more others have suggested, I would not have the "tawk" with her. It will only be something repeated that either you are so insecure that you have to take her to task on this "Little" thing or that you are so insensitive to her busy life and can't get with the program, aka, spontaniety.

Instead -- and if you like revenge you'll like this -- whenever she calls and you have time, take her calls and be as non committal as possible..... knowing of course, that the answer is "no," anyway.

It may take her a while to get it, or she maybe one of those savvy types who knows immediately when her time is up.

Either way, it's win win for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> The problem is for the last 18 months she regularly asks me to go out with her (evening meals, drinks, lunch, for a walk, even trips away), I say great, *then she goes silent for a couple of days and then cancels the day before with a lame excuse. This happens very regularly*. However she does always turn up for lunch dates.
> 
> I really don't know what's going on here but I feel she is wasting my time and the unrelaibility is likely to put an end to our friendship, let alone any potential romantic involvement.
> 
> *This happens all the time*.


I would just be straight up with her:

_When you repeatedly make plans with me and cancel at the last minute, I feel like you are not being respectful of my time. It happens all the time.
_

Wait and listen. If she does it again, axe her or cancel last minute like she does to you.

What's good for the goose.

Old saying: the definition of insanity is doing the SAME thing over and over again and expecting a different result

(In this case, it i snot speaking up about your hurt feelings and letting it keep happen again and again).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> That is not a friend.....or relationship material.
> 
> Simple as that. Friends don't stand up their friends or "dates".


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> The next time that she asks you out, just *tell her that you're not interested*. When she asks why, t*ell her that you're tired of having her cancel at the last minute or -- even worse -- her blowing you off altogether.
> *
> 
> Stop going to lunch with her as well.


:iagree:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

For the record, identifying the person in front of you, putting a finger on exactly who they are based on what they say, their actions etc has been one of the biggest struggles in my early childhood/teen and 20s.

I struggled SO much with it and it really hit me in the ass.

if someone TELLS you something and they don't walk to walk, they are not trustworthy, or your friend.

They deserve to know and a 2nd chance, but not 3rd.

Any decent person that can't make an event/appointment will call ahead and tell you they can't make it.


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

MSP said:


> I would say that eighteen months of blowing you off means that you have always been somewhat in the friendzone with her. She gets bored and asks for your company and then finds someone she feels more interested in and dumps you. I am making assumptions, but there's a lack of info and so I'm liberally filling in the gaps.


Some very useful comments, but I think MSP has it right.

Yes I did used to ask her out but due to the cancellations I gave up on that a long time ago. 

The other day I gave her sister a lift and her sister said she really likes me. I guess she wants more but for some reason is scared/insecure to take it to the next level, although it is her that is always flirting and instigating it.

And yes she just sometimes pay for lunch or go halves.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> The other day I gave her sister a lift and her sister said she really likes me. I guess she wants more but for some reason is scared/insecure to take it to the next level, although it is her that is always flirting and instigating it.


Okay. I'll bite and assume what you are posting here is true. So now this woman's sister is interested in you too, but you think she is too "scared/insecure" to take this to the next level.

Again, you have another woman who is instigating. You are simply the hapless victim of two women - both sisters - who are giving you mixed messages.

They seem interested in you. But they both seem to be players.

Ever considered hanging with an entirely different family?


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## rumple9 (Jan 13, 2012)

he he no - I gave the girl's older sister a lift and she told me her sister really likes me


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm sorry for misinterpreting your response. Now I understand ... her sister is not interested in you; she was just the messenger.

The thing is, a woman who is REALLY interested in you doesn't keep breaking dates. And that is from a woman's perspective.

I've really liked several men during my dating days. And I certainly wasn't making/breaking dates with them.

Something you might want to consider.

And I still think your semi-gf is a flake.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

rumple9 said:


> he he no - I gave the girl's older sister a lift and she told me her sister really likes me



You need to remove yourself from everything and everyone who is connected with this woman.

She's not healthy for you. 

You've made it clear that you are a doormat...so now the sister is onto you as well.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes said:


> You need to remove yourself from everything and everyone who is connected with this woman.
> 
> She's not healthy for you.
> 
> *You've made it clear that you are a doormat...so now the sister is onto you as well.*


"Hey sis, I've been stringing this guy along for a while, but I think that he may be starting to wise up. Wanna help me keep him on the hook for a while longer? Seriously, it's hilarious!"


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Look, you're an adult, right? This woman has played you along for quite some time.

Now you are here asking us for advice.

Frankly, I'm still doubting the authenticity of your story. Why? Because as soon as people question her motives, you suddenly bring her sister into the story.

What difference does it make what her sister, her brother, or her dog have to say about whether or not she is interested in you?

I think you are just here for yucks. Seriously. A grown man is capable of trusting his gut instincts on something so obvious.

Again, seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rumple9 said:


> he he no - I gave the girl's older sister a lift and she told me her sister really likes me


You have 3 choices 

1) If you want a relationship with her tell her that her braking dates at the last minute is unacceptable. If she wants to go out with you she can to take it all more seriously.

2) Just stop seeing her at all.

3) continue as you are with the understanding that she is a casual friend.. someone to do things with when you have no one else to hang out with.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Look, you're an adult, right? This woman has played you along for quite some time.
> 
> Now you are here asking us for advice.
> 
> ...


I agree. So when he gives out free taxi services to other people connected to the Flake, he gets paid by warm fuzzies that mean sh!t.

The women's mantra here should be "treat 'em mean, keep keen."


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

If you still want to give it a go with her, I say next time she asks you out...then be direct with her that you enjoy her company but it fails to escape your attention that she seems to keep bailing out at the last minute or dropping off the radar.

I wonder if she has a lot of anxiety about dating...if her sister is relaying her insecurities correctly. She may be hoping you'll step in with more initiative.

I say give it another *intentional* whirl...and if you can't come up with anything you can grasp concerning her intentions, then release her from your mind.


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