# My wife hates my family



## tk421jag

I just got married a few weeks ago. I'm totally in love with my wife. I love her very deeply. 

The process of planning the wedding was tough because she got into a very heated argument with my mother because we planned the wedding for the same date as my mothers art show she does every year. My mother sent a very rude email to my, then, fiance. 

Since then my mom has apologized over and over and ended up throwing us a rehearsal dinner that was amazing. 

But because of all of that, my wife hates being around my family. 

Some background about our families.

My family - Very close. Live all in the same town. Parents live beside my mid-80s Grandparents. We all goto church together and spend Sunday's together. Sometimes the folks over at my Grandparents number around 20. 

Her family - Not close at all. Parents are each divorced twice and both are remarried. Sister is divorced and remarried. Grandparents, except one grandfather, are all passed away. 

My family loves to be with her and loves to include her in things. My Grandparents simply adore her and wish they could see her more often. But they have all said they feel like I have married a complete stranger because she rarely likes to be around everyone. 

Having said that, I often get from my wife "I am your family now. You should be spending time with me, not them." I'm not asking for an incredible amount of time with my family.

We are spending our first Christmas together at home alone. I'm really looking forward to that. Christmas Eve, her family is coming up for a dinner. Her family lives across town from my family and we live about 4 hours away, so her family will be driving up 4 hours to eat with us.

I decided that we would go to my parents house 4 days after Christmas and spend New Years with my family. We're gonna take the train so that we can relax and talk to each other. Maybe sleep a little if we want. I thought it would be fun. 

Also, there is a Japanese family that we are good friends with that are coming to stay at my parents house. We haven't seen them in 6 or 7 years. My wife knows that.

So this morning when I emailed her about the plans, she said that she doesn't want to be away for 5 days and would rather drive so we can leave when we want to. She only wants to spend 1 or 2 days tops with my family. 

Understand this though. Every time I say we are seeing my family, she wants to know when, how long, and when we can leave. She makes me set a time for us to leave and it's usually about and hour or 2 earlier than I want to leave. After we leave she picks on my family members and speaks badly about them. Sometimes she does this in front of her family. I would never and have never done that about her family.

I have never told her that we aren't seeing her family. I have even offered to stay at her parents house longer so she can see her family more. Everytime she wants to see them, I always agree and never ask her when we are leaving or how long do we have to be there. 

My feelings are a little hurt that she doesn't like my family and doesn't want me to spend time with them. I know part of this is because she just isn't close to her family. Everytime that I want to bring her to a family function, she claims that it is my mother that is influencing me to go or my mother making me feel guilty for not being there. I think my wife thinks, since we are married, my family should no longer be that important to me.

We have been going to a premarital councilor and have agreed to keep going for a few more sessions. We've been to about 10 sessions now and they have all dealt with my mother or my family nearly because my wife has so many issues being around them.

I have no clue what to do. Like I said, I don't ask for much time with them. After Christmas, I doubt that we'd see them until Feb sometime. Maybe later. 

Anyone have any ideas?


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## young_lady

Your wife may be intimidated/overwhelmed by the closeness and size of your family. No matter how freindly or welcoming a group is, it isn't easy being the new person among so many people who have a shared history. And some people just don't like socializing in large groups. (I am one of those) I know that I would be uncomfortable spending 5 days in such close proximity to so many people I don't know well.

Try spending time with just your parents or a few cousins or siblings at a time and let her get comfortable with them in a small group setting first.


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## tk421jag

Well....spending time with just a few people in my family is a good option, but won't really work because my whole family lives really close together.

We just had a huge fight on the phone about all of this. I even shaved a day off of the weekend and she was still getting mad that it we weren't leaving when she wants to. She's acting so spoiled.

What really hurts my feelings is that I would never get between her family and her spending time with them. But when I say we are spending time with my family, she loses her mind and gets really edgy and irritated.

Maybe it is that she is intimidated by them. But does that give her the right to never want to bbe around them? No. We're married and she can't pretend that I don't have a family just because she doesn't want to be around them. 

All I'm asking for is 4 days and you'd think it was 4 years from how she's acting. 

I seriously need some help on this.


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## TNgirl232

I come from a "Walton" type family as well. My husband not so much. Him not wanting to got to family function s use to bug me too. But we finally came to the decision if I want to go see them he doesn't have to go too. He goes sometimes but I go at least half the time by myself. Maybe that would help here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

It is quite possible that your wife never got over what your mother did. 

Since she is not used to a close knit family, your clan might seem intrusive and overly tight to her.

While I agree that your wife should come first, I also think that she needs to compromise.


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## tk421jag

I totally get that my family seems overwhelming to her. I honestly don't blame her. That's not what I'm mad about, though. 

I'm pretty sure she isn't over my the issue with my mom either. My wife does hold a grudge big time, and she hates when someone does something wrong to her. She has said in the past that she would love to see my mom beg for forgiveness. But that was right after it happened when none of us were speaking to each other.

We just got off the phone and have sorta patched things up. 

What I explained to her was this....

My family all lives 4 hours away. None of them have the money or time to make the drive up to see us. Her family has come up several times and her sister lives an hour away. So to see my family it is, in essence, a bigger production. 

She understood that and it makes sense. It is just more difficult to see my family than it is hers. And so when she puts a strict time limit on how long we can be there with my family, it makes for a very stressful combination. 

Does anyone have any idea how to make it easier on her with being with my family? 

Another part of the issue is that we have only been going home for the big holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. So when we are there, it is my WHOLE family. Not just mom and dad and sister. It's everyone. So I've asked her if, in the future, we can just go home on a weekend where nothing crazy is happening. Hangout with just my sister and her husband/baby, and then go see my wife's folks.

I just need some opinions on how to make it through several years of this. Like I said, we're 2.5 weeks in and things just blew up.


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## KI0159

Ah the whole Mother in law versus daughter in law thing!

Through the years of talking to friends and family I have definitley picked up on that the majority of the time (not all the time) the guys Mother and his wife will never be comfortable with each other and of course the guy getting caught in the middle.

Your wife may be feels when your Mother sent the rude email to her that she may also have said not so nice things about her to the rest of your family since they are so close. She'll never know so that probably makes her uncomfortable being around them all at once.
Im sure she doesnt hate them may be just feels uneasy round them.

I have to admit I wouldnt really like the 4 day thing either but as they live four hours away I can see why you would make your visit longer. Are you staying at a hotel or B&B when yu go? If not then I can see why that would make things worse from her point. 

Both our families live close but we have to make all the effort to visit them. Like you when 'we' visit my family (which as a we isnt very often') my husband doesnt say anything about timescale as he knows I will never stay late, plus I always tend to say to him we'll leave roughly about whatever time. However when we go to visit my husbands family he would have us sitting there to the early hours of the morning. I dont feel as if I can stand up and say 'we're going to go', that has to be his part. So I to tend to ask him about times too. Plus his Mum puts us on the spot all the time by inviting us here there and everywhere which is thoughtful but my husband says 'yes' to her all the time forgetting about us or my family and then if I say 'no' first then I look like the bad guy.

I dont get a lot of time off work at the holidays so although I dont mind visiting families its very important that I get some quality alone time with husband too.

I agree too that your wife should come first but she shouldnt stop you from seeing your family but may be she isnt. Perhaps you should go see your family by yourself and she should do the same and see how that works.


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## KI0159

tk421jag said:


> Another part of the issue is that we have only been going home for the big holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. So when we are there, it is my WHOLE family.


How often are the big holidays?


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## tk421jag

Good answer on your previous message.

By big holidays I mean Christmas, Thanksgiving, and maybe 4th of July because we shoot off fireworks at our lake house. 

I think all in all, we'd go see my family about every other month. Between Jan and March we wouldn't go see my family at all. So I don't think I'm being irrational here. 

Like I said, I'd never come between her and her family, and I kinda expect the same thing in return.

Most of this, I suspect, all stems from my mother and that email. And yes, my mother did go and carry on about to our family. So that may be part of it too.

But since then my mom has been very very nice and has done some nice things for us. My family has also been very welcoming and nice to my wife as well. But she is just very stand-off-ish.

I do know that when we have problems, my wife will call up her dad, sister, and step-mom and tell them. So I'm usually always portrayed as the bad guy there.


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## FirstYearDown

Neither of you should be discussing marriage problems with family members. Respect the privacy of your union.


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## tk421jag

FirstYearDown said:


> Neither of you should be discussing marriage problems with family members. Respect the privacy of your union.


You are right. Indeed. And that is what I do normally. 

The way that my sister worded it is that the family will never like your spouse if you always tell them the bad stuff. So I hardly ever mention anything bad with our relationship. Which is why I'm on here. 

Still, that does not address this issue at hand.


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## JBShaka

TK

I have read your posts and I'm going through what sounds like the latter part of your future.


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## JBShaka

My family and friends are so close to me and I love to see them all and enjoy spending time with them. I was married for 29 years, my wife past away on the last day of 2007. I eventually started dating and met someone in August 2008, we were married one year later. At first I saw some signs that caused me to be concerned, don't like this friend, oh no, don't like this family member. But when it started getting down to my children (all grown except one a senior in high school), anyway, when she continued to say negative things about my boys, we started to argue, she truly believes that her boys are better than mine and competes about these facts. Well the point is I rarely get to see my boys, I have complained to all my friends and family about my situation and the end result is, my new wife has no compassion for my feelings or family and friends, only for her kids adult children and her parents. With that said, I tried to suggest counseling on several occasions always an excuse, no no. Now I bought an online book from a counselor, who is world known: Couple's Therapist Exposes The Horrific 75% Failure Rate Of Traditional Couple's Therapy, she refuses to read, needless to say we are on the verge on divorce and really I'm ready. I have lost all communication with my family and friends i one had and I'm ready to get that back. The best part of our relationship is the sex, I want Love too


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## tk421jag

That's rough. 

You may be onto something there. Some of these types of things we have talked about in our counseling sessions. Insulting my family is a big deal to me and she really needs to stop. Her most recent comment was "I'll have my cat put to sleep if you put your mom to sleep." I didn't laugh at that because I know how much she dislikes my mom. She also said it in front of her family. They all looked kind of shocked.

She has said some things about her niece being beautiful and great and awesome, and then she looks at me and says "Isn't she?" and then waits for a response. Eventually I had to tell her that I have a niece too and I love her very much. But I would never put her on the spot in front of my sister and make her agree with me. Everyone is biased about their own family. 

However, I think saying and doing things to make your family seem more superior is just so wrong.

I've addressed this issue with her twice and it hasn't happened in months. We're still a young couple and are learning to live together and learning to be married.

I have a little worry about the divorce rate in her family. Her mom is divorced twice, dad once, and sister once. We've both told each other we are not going to let that happen to us. And I doubt it will. At one time I think she was worried that no one would ever be able to love her because of her attitude and chip on her shoulder towards a lot of things. But she's changed a lot since we've started dating and gotten married. 

We've known each other since high school, 10+ years ago, and reconnected by chance on Facebook. I flew from Texas to VA for our first date and that sealed the deal. I moved to VA about a month later.


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## JBShaka

I understand, I loved my first wife with all my heart and it was the hardest thing in the World to loose her, a part of me died with her.

I met her when we were 16 and had all the ups and downs that all couples have. I wrote a book about it: "A Genuine Blessing" it's more of a spiritual thing for my own soul, but a good story, I'm originally from Louisiana (family in Texas too) live in Florida now.

My new wife has insulted me and my family for the last time. One of my best friends said it best: "when it's over be the first one to say so and make a move, it will fell so much better". I understand what he's saying but it is so hard to build a relationship to just let it all die. My situation with my new bride will not change, we have had the conversation over and over about not commenting on my boys, but it continues and I believe she uses it to upset me. Who knows, her whole problem could Menopausal? But she was married for 25 years and left her husband once her boys were both adults, so that pretty much says it all, no compassion, no commitment, goes full circle. I wish you the best with your relationship, try that link you answer a few questions related to your particular situation and they come up with a solution, click off like your leaving when they make you an offer and they will give the same offer for $1. BTW, i could care less who sees this now, check out a product I invented years ago, that I'm now dedicating everything I have to it, google: Spiker Beach Holder, watch the video  Best to you man, this helped me, Thanks! JB


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## StayGravity

tk421jag

I have a few questions. 

Since you do not go visit your family often, how frequently do you call your mother?

Do you ever stand up to your wife when you feel she is wrong, or do you just try to keep the peace and eventually let her have her way?


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## tk421jag

Let's see...

I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving. I hardly ever call her. Maybe once every two weeks. Maybe longer. She emails me from time to time and usually is always on Facebook.

I always stand up to my wife. Sometimes she admits she is wrong and sometimes she freaks out and we get into a big fight. I don't let her just have her way, I assure you of that. That is kind of how all of this started, because I put my foot down.


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## Hicks

I think it's normal and reasonable not to want to spend 4-5 days with in-laws.

But, her badmouthing and bad behavior must be addressed. Make it that that type of thing is not allowed in your presence.

Also, what you have is a woman who has learned that the solution to "getting crossed" is to dispose of people forever (she learned this through the way she was raised). 

If I were you I would be cautious. I would tell her that in your world, all people are entitled to mistakes. That we we judge people on patterns of actions rather than mistakes. I would ask her if she feels that is appropriate. Then I would discuss with her whether she feels your mother's bad treatment of her is a pattern vs a mistake. I would hear her out, she could have many slights, and you have to be prepared to characterize this as a mistake or a pattern. But if your wife agrees that she will judge people on patterns, and she agrees that this is a mistake you then ask her what help she needs in treating your mother with proper respect and mutual friendliness.

It's important that she learns the value of judging people around her vs their total actions vs isolated actions. You need to do this for self protection because you can see from her way of operating that you will wind up on her s|-|it list.


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## StayGravity

tk421jag said:


> Let's see...
> 
> I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving. I hardly ever call her. Maybe once every two weeks. Maybe longer. She emails me from time to time and usually is always on Facebook.


I can understand wanting to communicate with your mother from time to time. Maybe your wife feels you communicate with her to much. Some of the things you are talking to your mother about, should you be talking to your wife about instead?



> I always stand up to my wife. Sometimes she admits she is wrong and sometimes she freaks out and we get into a big fight. I don't let her just have her way, I assure you of that. That is kind of how all of this started, because I put my foot down.


I asked that because you shortened the amount of time you were going to stay and visit with family. What you should maybe do is tell her that you both can drive up there to your family's house and if she wants to leave a day early then that is fine, and you will catch the train when you originally scheduled to leave. 

You have to make yourself happy and if she doesn't see that being with your family makes you happy, then you need to do what makes you happy. 

She may get angry and upset, but that is her issue to work through, and she knew you were close to your family before you got married. That doesn't magically change the night of the wedding.


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## tk421jag

Hicks said:


> Also, what you have is a woman who has learned that the solution to "getting crossed" is to dispose of people forever (she learned this through the way she was raised).


This was one of the best comments I've gotten so far because that is her, totally. I think that she has even told me that before. If you do something wrong to her, she just doesn't want to be around you anymore.

My mom has really only done that one thing and since then has been paying for it. So everything you're saying makes sense.


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## mafb74

I have been reading these threads and there are a number of men, including myself that seem to be experiencing the exact same thing. If I knew that keeping my wife away from her family was upsetting to her I would do what I could to stop that. Sadly my mysery is of little consequense to my wife. She is clearly only concerned with herself. I have not spent a Christmas was my Family since I had gotten married, which was ten years ago. Things have progressed to the point that my family avoids visiting me because of my wifes dislike for them. Also she refuses to visit them with me. I personally think this has a lot to do with insecurity on the part of many of the wives that are acting like this. They feel as though they must compete for their husbands love and affection with his family. This is clearly immature and insecure, in my opinion. I think this could happen not only with family, as is the case on these threads, but with just about anything that a husband may be passionate about. It could happen with a best friend, a hobby or activty, etc. It just so happens that many of the men on this thread are very close with their families. Sometimes I feel I would be better off if I was an orphan or had enstranged relationship with my family. Funny enough my wifes sister's husband is an orphan, and their relationship is wonderful. Obviously his family is not his passion. I don't mean to be so negative, but I do not think there is much that can be done about this issue.


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## anotherguy

"So this morning when I emailed her about the plans.."

emailed her. really? Big mistake. I mean c'mon now. You should be 'asking' and talking, not emailing.


I am with your wife 100% on this, or rather - I can see her position. Its also easier for you when your inlaws are 4 hours away - make no mistake about it.


I cant stand my in-laws either, for the most part. They are OK in limited doses. The good news is that they live 2,500 miles away. The bad news is that when they do come (or we go there) - we get a concentrated dose in the same house for about 10 days that sometimes can have me clawing the walls. Sorry to admit it but I am glad they do not live 'very close'. Yikes. 

My wife also has a typicaly cool relationship with my mom. Hey - thats why there are 50 zillion 'in law' jokes, thats just the way it is. Mom also lives about 1,500 miles away.

It is hard for family to be apart - I get that. It can also be 'hard' when inlaws are a nearby constant.

I am willing to bet that your wife does NOT think that your family should'nt be as important to you anymore. Go ahead ask her - I guarantee she will agree with me. What she expects, is that you show a little defference to her first, which is as it should be - and do not just assume that all the little things and meetings and calls and drop-ins and visits and gatherings and stupid little things are all fine and dandy. Yeah - they should be fine and dandy maybe, but they are not. I dont want to blame your wife for being insecure - that is only part of it - it is the SYMPTOM of the situation and not the cause. 

You know what would go a long way towards healing it? Your mom poisoned the well early by sending a 'rude' (whatever that means) email to your wife. Dont think that has ever been forgotten - and your mother needs to pay a price for it. I am not being mean spirited here, but truly I speak from a similar experience.

At some point there will be a conflict of views or what to do between your mom and your wife. You need to step in and be on her side 100%. And I do NOT mean "no, we are not going since my wife doesnt want to go" that will just make things infinitely worse. What I mean is "No, we made other plans" or something. You need to take responsibility AND her side as a team. I mean that would be such a small thing right? After all, you see them ALL THE TIME they are right nearby. You need to ask her first for her thoughts when the opportunity arises and give here the opportunity to bail out with your full unqualified support. It will take a little time for her to be reassured in this regard as you already have a problem here - but eventually she will be very much more agreeable. It also helps to defend and support her point of view in front of your mom if she is right... dont just let these things slide. A good argument when you are all in the same room with you supporting your wife can work wonders - and believe me - everyone will get over it, but it also clarifies the social structure and everyone can relax again. (that sounds so clinical)

wives battling mothers-in-law. Its so painful. (sigh)

Its not about showing a 'preference' for your wife over your family - even though she phrases it that way. 'I am your family now' is a simmering disaster. This is about you showing that your lives are very much independant now and doing the little things that reassure your missus that you are a team FIRST. Take some time to work on it - it will pay off in the long run.


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## SteveG

"Most of this, I suspect, all stems from my mother and that email. And yes, my mother did go and carry on about to our family. So that may be part of it too."

Ya think??? So your mother sent your wife a selfish nasty e-mail, then backbited (gossiped about her) her to the rest of your family and you expect her to want to spend 5 consecutive days with them all? Really?:scratchhead:

That is more than a "mistake" It's what I call acting out with malice. Your mom trying to turn the rest of the family against your wife. If I were your wife I would tell you to have a nice time with your family by yourself.


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## SteveG

"So I hardly ever mention anything bad with our relationship"

Why are you mentioning ANYTHING about your relationship, which is negative, to your family?? Respect your marriage. If you need to discuss your marriage issues, do it with a counselor. Same for your wife, but you need to step up and lead by example.


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## FirstYearDown

I don't think the OP understands who he should be loyal to.


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## anotherguy

tk421jag said:


> This was one of the best comments I've gotten so far because that is her, totally. I think that she has even told me that before. If you do something wrong to her, she just doesn't want to be around you anymore.
> 
> My mom has really only done that one thing and since then has been paying for it. So everything you're saying makes sense.


..and you are taking a dangerous tack by simply assuming your wife is the problem. That in itself - your assumption that she is the problem - and failure to see how she has been wronged, or how that has never been resolved - IS I suspect - your larger issue.

Good luck.


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## mafb74

It does not matter about how she has been wronged or whether you stand behind her in arguement. Who can have millions of arguments where you support her and you will be arguing for long time. Insecurity can not be reassured or eliminated by something you say or do. It is up to that person, your wife, to stop being insecure. That's it. It is unfortunate but the mother has set the stage. Your wife and mother are probably really good people. I am sure your wife would agree that family is important. Who would say no to something like that? This is a matter of control. You has control over the husband and his time and affection. Your wife is have a demonstration that she is in control by withholding you from your mother as a way to demonstrate that she is in control. When someone is seeking control they do not care about solving the issue or compromise. For example I suggested a long time ago that we alternate where we spend our holidays with and with whom. I thought that it would create some sort of fairness. Sadly this was rejected. It did not seem logical to me, but it not about logic or compromise. It is about control. I did not know it then but realize it now.


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## Venus&Mars

tk421jag, unfortunately like many of the comments above, most likely she hasn't forgiven your mom for her email, nor is she comfortable being around your close knitted family whom she feels she was disrespected to by your mom. Since your wife's relationship with your family started off on the wrong foot, it will most likely take a lot more work to repair that and start building a positive relationship.

Please allow me to play the devil's advocate on behalf of your wife. 
Perhaps you might consider that it is easier for you to forgive your mom for the email because you already have a close relationship with your mom, but it is much harder for your wife to forgive your mom considering your wife doesn't have much of a relationship with your mom to begin with. It's probably difficult for your wife to jump right in with your family just because your mom apologized and your family have been nothing but welcoming after the email incident. Your wife probably needs a little more time repairing her relationship with your mom and your family rather than just forgive and forget. 

Considering you two haven't been married for long, you might need to reinforce the idea that she is your family now and she comes first - especially knowing how close you are with your family and with the tension between her and your family, she needs to know that she can always rely on you if god forbid, things really gets bad between she and your family. When she tells you that she is your family now and you should be spending time with her, she probably just wants you to reassure her that she is your priority. That doesn't say that you can't spend time with your family but it lets her know that she is the most important person in your life. 

You may not be visiting your family often and I understand that when you do, you want to spend more time with them. But perhaps you should consider easing her into the visits. Start with short visits, even if it's not that frequent, and work towards longer visits and more frequent vists as she gets more comfortable. 

Also, considering the tension she feels towards your family, every visit to your family is probably very stressful to your wife. When she wants to know when you two will be visiting the family and for how long, she's probably just preparing herself for the visit and knowing what to expect elevates her stress. It might help you as well as her if you take the initiative to tell her those details without her asking so you feel like you're in control and she's not stressed out about approaching that subject with you. 

Good luck.


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## asylumspadez

My oldest half sister was raised by my mom (who left our family when I was 3-4 years old, along with 3 other siblings) and my mom went on to have another child (who she left as well). My half sister now has 2 kids of her own (her ex is the father of her first child but im not sure of the second) and she gave them up because she didnt want them (thanks Mom).

The reason I said whats posted above is because its proof that your wife acts this way because it was sort of burned into her through out her life. She sees her family always broken apart and she cant stand seeing a family that actually loves each other (which I personally think she really wanted but didnt get) and now she envys you because of it and wants to take you away from/break your relationship with your family.

Sit her down and tell her that while she may not have had the best family relationship, you do and this is her chance to have a family that will truely care about her (through you). Also start taking control. If you stay as long as she likes when she visits with her family then she is expected to do the same. If she doesnt then see how she likes it when you drag her away from her family earlier then expected. Make real consequences for her actions instead of allowing her to get away with it.


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## LizLolly

To the OP...I can relate to everything that you describe about your wife. I am in a similar situation- except that I am the wife. I think your wife needs acknowledgement that as she is your 'wife' now, she is your first priority. She needs to know that should any disagreement or incodent happen with your family, that you will be by her side and defend her. She may not want you spending too much time with your family as they might influence you negatively perhaps. Well, that is how I feel anyway.

As a suggestion, how about you visit your entire family together with your wife for shorter durations and then you yourself can visit them alone on other days. That way you get your family bonding time which is very important and not have to worry about your wife nagging you to leave.


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## sadlymoving

Ok...first question. You said that when this all started that your mother apologized to your wife. Was it a genuine apology? Trying to look at this through your wifes eyes for a minute...she comes from a small, not so close family. Maybe her dream was to be a big part of your close family before your mother sent her the rude letter. If she looked at it like this she probably feels that she is not a welcome being in your family. Since your mother told the rest of your family what happened the comments made were probably not very nice so your family probably looks at her as if she is a monster and she probably knows this. Has your wife tried to talk to your mother one-on-one to discuss her feelings after the letter? If no one addresses the issue it will remain a thorn in everyones side. 

As far as holidays go it seems like she is trying to avoid being put in an uncomfortable situation and she wants you to recognize this. When you are around your family with your wife, how do they act around her? Are they cold? Do they ignore her? Do they make any comments or critisms of her? Do they bring up memories of times with your family from the past before she was a part of the picture? All of these things can cause the spouse to feel like they are not a part of the family and disliked.


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## Jeff74

Tough situation for sure.

My wife does not like my family especially my mother for many different reasons. In 15 years this hasn't changed, marriage counselors haven't helped and neither has talking about it. My wife is just the way she is.

So, instead of it causing me stress what I do is just not include her when I see my family. For example, when I visit my parents she doesn't come with me and every year at our family reunion she stays at home. This allows her to remain happy and frankly I have a much better time without her because I don't have to worry about how angry she would become.

A couple times per year she does see my family and is polite but we keep those trips short.

This may not seem ideal for everyone here but it works great for the two of us and causes the least amount of stress which is excellent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SandyD

asylumspadez said:


> My oldest half sister was raised by my mom (who left our family when I was 3-4 years old, along with 3 other siblings) and my mom went on to have another child (who she left as well). My half sister now has 2 kids of her own (her ex is the father of her first child but im not sure of the second) and she gave them up because she didnt want them (thanks Mom).
> 
> The reason I said whats posted above is because its proof that your wife acts this way because it was sort of burned into her through out her life. She sees her family always broken apart and she cant stand seeing a family that actually loves each other (which I personally think she really wanted but didnt get) and now she envys you because of it and wants to take you away from/break your relationship with your family.
> 
> Sit her down and tell her that while she may not have had the best family relationship, you do and this is her chance to have a family that will truely care about her (through you). Also start taking control. If you stay as long as she likes when she visits with her family then she is expected to do the same. If she doesnt then see how she likes it when you drag her away from her family earlier then expected. Make real consequences for her actions instead of allowing her to get away with it.


I think you're being unfair. Her family has never mistreated him. This is the wrong way to go about it. All things are not created equal. OP should not enforce equality in terms of time spent visiting with both families... apples and oranges here. 

I don't think it's a matter of envy either. It's a matter of establishing where his primary loyalty lies. If he can't empathize with his wife's hurt over how his mother treated her, then this will soon become a snowball and eventually cause thier demise. She's already getting massive anxiety just by thinking about breathing the same air as these folks. Go easy on her. LISTEN to her. Underneath all that anger is a message, a need. Fulfill it.

Now, had her family disrespected him, I would assume she would take his side and not put him in an uncomfortable position. I can almost guarantee she would be far more sensitive to his needs than he is being to hers. 

Being as I am not a man, I have a hard time understanding why men have such a hard time cutting the apron strings or standing by their wives EVEN when their parents are way out of line. Do you all feel sorry for your mothers/parents? Do they evoke pity? Do they seem too old and frail? What is it? Why this enormous need to protect them in lieu of your own family? 

Men let their family, especially their "well-meaning" mothers, do whatever without facing any kind of consequence or setting appropriate boundaries, then they blame the wives for any unrest since their family is "acting" so welcoming. And then these men get all confused because their wives suddenly don't want to see these wonderful people. She is then deemed a troublemaker, control freak, anti social, anti family, envious of their closeness, trying to "cut him from the herd", (insert closest applicable personality disorder here)... and this is exactly what the in-laws think of her. What a coincidence!!!! 

Come on, now. 

I would suggest a break from your foo. Focus on your marriage and wife for a while and let her know she is number one. She won't become any less insecure or feel more loving towards them by the way you're handling it, trust me.


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## SandyD

And I really don't think this is really about what your mother did. In fact, I would say I am 100% sure it wasn't.

It's about how YOU handled it, or didn't. And this will continue to play out until you learn to handle it properly, I'm afraid to say.


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## SandyD

tk421jag said:


> Good answer on your previous message.
> 
> By big holidays I mean Christmas, Thanksgiving, and maybe 4th of July because we shoot off fireworks at our lake house.
> 
> I think all in all, we'd go see my family about every other month. Between Jan and March we wouldn't go see my family at all. So I don't think I'm being irrational here.


In my opinion, way too many visits. You're still newlyweds. Make your own traditions. Travel by yourselves or with friends. 



tk421jag said:


> Like I said, I'd never come between her and her family, and I kinda expect the same thing in return.


Right... unless they disrespected you big time and she stood by them.



tk421jag said:


> Most of this, I suspect, all stems from my mother and that email. And yes, my mother did go and carry on about to our family. So that may be part of it too.


Correct. And how did you handle your mother?



tk421jag said:


> But since then my mom has been very very nice and has done some nice things for us. My family has also been very welcoming and nice to my wife as well. But she is just very stand-off-ish.


Wow, emphasis on the "very very" eh? Does it matter that she's acting that way now? Did she face any kind of consequence for what she did? Did she apologize? Or did you all sweep it under the rug and expect your wife to just forget and learn her place in the pecking order? 

Does not bode well that you are calling your wife stand-offish. Another way to think of it is: she is anxious and resentful therefore needs space and time away from your mother, AND needs to know that you have her back 110%.

You're feeding this. Don't be surprised when it sprouts legs and teeth and starts biting you.



tk421jag said:


> I do know that when we have problems, my wife will call up her dad, sister, and step-mom and tell them. So I'm usually always portrayed as the bad guy there.


This is wrong, but I doubt they disrespect you or your marriage. It's almost always the husband's mother who stirs up trouble in the marriage.


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## wifeandmother10

Try bribing her and take what you can get. Over time she will probably be more comfortable. Give her lots of massages and tell her how sexy she is. Remind her that it will be over soon, the visit won't last forever, and it would make you really happy.


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