# Bromance ruining my marriage



## Allltuvx

I have been married for years and my dh always had a friend to go do things with such as boating, etc...

He has a neighbor best friend.

They are together all the time. 

I said choose between me and the friend or else. Silly me - he without any hesitation choose the friend and offered to have the friend apologize to me. That he wanted both of us - how mean of me to do this. I was just surprised.

I have no reason to suspect this is something more than a friend - they are together in an man cave with other people nearby coming out to do laundry, etc...

Read this forum and lots of people have good ideas - overall we have a good marriage and he is a very giving person with the neighbors and others.

Did I make a mistake to make a man in a bromance make a choice between me or the friend and find out the friend was not an option but a need.


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## Battleworn

Wow. Is my initial reaction. Uhhhhhm. Well I wouldn't have thrown down the ultimatum, but at the same time you had already asked him to see less of him, only to have the promise broken right out. 

I think it's important for someone to have friends, but spending that much time with him, even when he's with you, it's just odd. Have you explained to him how it makes you feel when y'all are together and he's playing games with his friend? He needs to consider how that would make him feel if you were doing it to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

How long has this been going on?


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## Battleworn

I just had an afterthought. How do you and your hubbs spend your time together? I don't want to sound harsh but is it possible that he's bored? And do you share some of the same interests? Football season is coming up. Y'all could watch together if you already don't!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allltuvx

Thanks for responses.

He has a pattern of a best friend that lasts about 5 years and then he gets a new one and has only that best friend ignoring the ones he used to have. A previous best friend from years ago lives within one mile of us now and he has no desire to visit him and there was no falling out. I suggested we renew our friendship with ex friend and the wife but he does not have any interest.

I do like football and watch a lot of the games here with him, but during football season just don't want to watch several in a row.

We do sports together. But he and this guy get involved with tournaments (with only men). I have played golf but just not as fun with me I guess.

A marriage does not mean you are doing everything together, but this is a true bromance - and he has several brothers also - he is closer to this friend.


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## Cee Paul

My wife put an end to all of my friendships by pulling the old "you can go see your friends anytime you want to" game, where if I do try and hangout with them more than once every three months she will allow it but then cops a pissy attitude for several days and tries to lay a guilt trip on me. So after playing that game off and on for a few years I finally decided "f*ck it" and only see my good friends about once a year now!


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## EleGirl

Allltuvx said:


> How do I compete with a man cave with three full screen tvs with all their fantasy football leagues, with tons of beer and only guys there.


Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it. 

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things that they enjoy together.. date-like things. This is needed to keep the passion/love in the marriage.

Once the two of you have your 15 hours a week together, then he can have his friends... after he does his share of chores and responsibilities in your home, yard, etc.

That's how a healthy marriage works.

If he's not willing to give you the 15 hours a week then don't even try to compete. You don't have a marriage. Leave. Why would you waste your energy competing?


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## Allltuvx

Cee Paul I don't believe in that at all and that is probably how all this started. His work is stressful and I thought him hanging out and doing the fantasy football, drinking and golfing were stress relievers for him. I put very few limits on that.

Plus I really liked his friend - he was a quality guy.

But that quickly went downhill once I made some demands to cool it with both of them.

Then there I was making an ultimatum and losing.

My marriage encounter will be about this guy and what he brings or takes from our marriage. 

Also, he is amendable to moving. This would be good because they would not be drinking buddies as that would be driving home bombed. That would mean watching football sober which is no fun. Just a golf game every so often.

And thanks for the book recommendations. Also have been reading around the forum. Great tips.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

It really sounds like your h is having an emotional affair with this neighbor.


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## Mavash.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It really sounds like your h is having an emotional affair with this neighbor.


I had a friend who did this and the reason why was she wasn't happy in her marriage. So yes it was like an affair. Her friends met her emotional needs and she didn't like sex with her husband. She was so needy that she ran off friends in about 2 years.

And then she divorced her husband is now with someone she truly loves and wants to spend time with. 

She no longer clings to friends anymore.


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## Allltuvx

Emotional affair - good analogy.

This started as soon as we got married (and we had a very short engagement). He got a boat friend. In an odd twist I would introduce them. The husband of a friend whose family and ours had done things together since we were in school (hope that makes sense). 

That fizzled out after a while.

He quickly found a new bromance that lasted several years then that fizzled out and now this newer one.

He has no desire to visit other friends or our few couple friends.

I told him he needed to take a month off completely from this guy - he agreed.

Now he, for the first time ever, raised his voice to me in front of his co workers when I called him (I interrupted a meeting to tell him that I thought there was yet another intruder in our yard).

I am just so disgusted. I have been lenient on him with him not doing any repairs on the house (I do all other household things). This is the only other issue in our marriage. Resentment built when I found out he was helping bro work on his home!

In our bootcamp encounter we had it pushed on us that our marriage came first before anything else.


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## thompkevin

EleGirl said:


> Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it.
> 
> A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, doing things that they enjoy together.. date-like things. This is needed to keep the passion/love in the marriage.
> 
> Once the two of you have your 15 hours a week together, then he can have his friends... after he does his share of chores and responsibilities in your home, yard, etc.
> 
> That's how a healthy marriage works.
> 
> If he's not willing to give you the 15 hours a week then don't even try to compete. You don't have a marriage. Leave. Why would you waste your energy competing?


This. I completely agree with her. Although, be a little flexible on the 15 hours thing.


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