# Want out after 28 years



## tryingtobeme (Jul 26, 2013)

Sorry if this rambles but so many thoughts. 
I have been married 28 years. Of those 28 years my husband has been an alcoholic, started drinking at 6:00 am seven days a week (for at least the last 15 years) up until two weeks ago when I told him quit or get out. I didn’t really believe he would quit drinking. Yes, I really just wanted out after years of this screwed up marriage where I do not talk to family or friends in the evening, or do household chores other than to make his dinner as he sees that as not paying enough attention to him and it causes a fight. In the more recent last 5 years he has barely worked, especially in the winter. When he is not working he either sits all day drinking, smoking and reading, or drives around the neighborhood looking for buddies to drink with. When I come home he was smashed, has done nothing and has the nerve to ask me what is for dinner. I work full time, pay the bills cook, clean, and fix things around the house. He would only bathe about once a week if I was lucky, and then he wanted to know why it always seems like he is forcing me to have sex. He does cut the firewood for the year, but other than that I have to take care of everything. He has always put other people first. If he wanted to impress someone or make someone happy he would take things of mine and give them to whoever he is trying to make happy.
He has never been physically abusive or screwed around on me, not what one would call verbally abusive either. And I have to say I feel somewhat responsible for what he has become because I made his life too easy for him. I don’t like, love or respect him, it is mostly resentment and anger at this point. 
I told him we would have to see how it goes and that I couldn’t make any promises because I had expected to split up and it has only been two weeks, it’s not like I can trust it. After a week and a half of very little communication and me telling him I am not in love with him and feel dead inside he has been after me to tell him that I will work on the marriage or he has no incentive to stay sober. He also keeps laying on the guilt with the “I can’t imagine my life without you” and “but, I love you, you’ve always been my best friend”. Two of the kids 22 and 24 live with us and they asked me to give him a chance to because he is trying so hard and none of us thought he would quit let alone make it two weeks. Well I told them I could not make any promises either. But fighting back the tears of defeat and the feeling of having a knife plunged in my chest, against my better judgment I told my husband I would try to give him a chance. Well I knew what would happen, he acts like everything is just fine now. He’s all smiles and happy like nothing ever happened. So back to a kiss goodbye in the morning and he tells me he loves me and I choke out a me too. He wants to hug and hold my hand and I just want to slap him away. I have the divorce papers in my desk at work and the money saved up for the fee. I don’t want to feel like I have wasted another day of my life let alone let another week, month or year go by. I really don’t believe there is any chance I can fall back in love with him I checked out of the relationship emotionally years ago. I moved straight from my parents to living with him and find the uncertainty of the future of being alone intimidating. Financially I am not really concerned since I have pretty much been doing it by myself for the last 4 years. After 28 years it is really hard to cause him that kind of pain, but the thought of staying with him is killing me. I don't really care to find out who he sober. 
I was raised having it pounded into my head not to hurt other people’s feelings and to always put other people first, which is what I have done to the point that I no longer even know who I am. How do you just rip the band aide off and let that person feel the pain they need to before they can move on? The guilt does me in every time.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Trying,

Sorry you are here. 

Get the book "Codependent No More".

It really helped me with my co-dependent tendencies. Relationships aren't supposed to be like that, you know?

Has your husband gone to AA?

PS. Your kids are most likely co-dependents as well....


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## tryingtobeme (Jul 26, 2013)

No, he won't go to AA. Says he doesn't want any sober friends because sober people are boring. I know I have been co-dependent along with the kids. So they all tell me that I am the reason he is not drinking and have made me responsible for his sobriety. Which is why I now feel like a prisoner, I can't leave or I destroy him and he starts drinking again. I suspect he's drinking anyway.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah if he is that much of an alcoholic, he needs to commit fully.

I really think you owe your marriage and your kids at least once last chance here. I'm sure you would say how you've already given him hundreds of chances and I'm sure you have, but what he has needed is a true wake-up call. A "this is the real deal, if things don't change, I am 100% ready to pull the trigger on this and be done. In fact, I'm basically already done and I don't believe that'll change, but if you want to try to surprise me, I'll give you that opportunity" message. It has to be 100% direct and clear. It sounds like he partially received that message already a few weeks ago as you mentioned, but by saying you'll give him another chance without any conditions, he he will (and obviously has) relaxed his efforts a bit. He probably feels like he earned that last chance during those two weeks and now doesn't need to worry about it as much.

I think being willing to give him a chance is a good thing, but you really have to place conditions/expectations on that. Since your kids are adults, feel free to share those with him. In my mind, you really need to lay it out in writing where his area's of failure are, and what he needs to do about them. For instance:

1. Drinking. It has to stop completely. "But honey, you're saying a man can't even have a beer a dinner?" No, you're saying HE can't, because of his record of abusing alcohol, at least not for a long time. He needs to get into AA, and 100% avoid any opportunity where drinking will be involved/expected, such as drinking buddies inviting him out or something of that nature. He simply can't be trusted now. He also has to admit that it has become a problem to his friends and family, so as to gain their support as well and show that he has truly acknowledged the problem. He can't be trying to do this just for you or it'll turn into resentment and he'll probably start hiding it.
2. He has to make you #1 in his life, and show it on a regular basis. No more throwing you under the bus. If you aren't #1, then he doesn't deserve you, maybe he can go be happy with whoever he is treating like #1.
3. He needs to get off his lazy ass and be productive. If not working, then he can be productive at home. If he feels like he has nothing to do, then he will inevitably fall back into old habits. He needs to keep busy for himself and for you.

It needs to be made clear to him that you will not be his maid, mother and sex machine. Really make it crystal clear that you've already decided what you want, that you want to move on and find love elsewhere, that you don't really think he can change and you really don't owe him this last chance. As such, there is no room for error. If he can't commit to these things (and whatever else you need from him aside from the above) then he is effectively choosing to let you go pursue happiness elsewhere. It'll be his choice.

I think if you can do this or something similar, you'll win either way. Either he surprises you and you salvage a nearly three decade long relationship by becoming a man you could be proud of, fall in love with again and enjoy many more years of family memories with your kids. (I know this is probably impossible to imagine right now) Or he fails yet again and you can walk away knowing you gave it everything you had, that your kids know that you gave him a fair final chance where he clearly knew what was on the line, and you'll find happiness elsewhere. Win-win.


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