# Husband wants to wait 3 more years to have a baby...



## imhereforadvice

I want a baby now, and have wanted one for years. However, I've put aside what I've wanted and my husband and I haven't started trying, because he isn't ready yet. After telling me it'd be a few years (in 2006) his story was beginning to get old. I finally pressured him into giving me a more realistic timeframe, and just the other day he told me that he wants to wait another 3 years or so. Yes, we are young, whatever (I'm 26, he 30), but I don't know if I can handle waiting another 3 years, no matter how much I love him. Am I being completely selfish? Because I feel as though he is. I have waited, and have been waiting, for years. What if I continue to wait like a dummy, and he yet again changes his mind, and says a few years from then? I'm not looking to waste my time. We have been married over 5 years, and I love him, but I am beginning to think love is not enough. Any advice? And how long is too long to sit around and wait for what you want? I am ready for the next chapter in life, and I'm tired of being patient waiting for him. :scratchhead:


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## omega

What had you both decided before you got married?

The thing with having a child, as you no doubt know, is that each spouse gets to veto the one who wants kids. So if you want a child and he doesn't, you don't have one. End of story. if that's a dealbreaker to you, marriage-wise, is 100% up to you. For me, I would always put marriage ahead of having children. BUT that's just me.


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## imhereforadvice

He/I never said that he wasn't sure if he wanted kids, but that I am beginning to think that that's what's going on (because he keeps putting it off). I'm not sure whether or not I'm being lied to, but I am constantly feeling mislead. I feel like my desires aren't as important either, and that's hurtful. He's told me in the past that we'd have children by now, and we still don't. 

I think the reason why he doesn't have as much desire as I do is because he already has a child, who is now almost ten years old. I'm doing the math and thinking about her being 13 by the time we start trying or whatever, and that just makes me so sad. I'm already at the stage where everytime I see happy new parents I am sad, and sometimes I even cry when I see certain things. I've wanted a baby for about two years, and may be willing to wait another year or so, but not another 2-3 years. He was in his mid 20's, and is now 30, while raising his daughter. According to his plan, I will be 40 by the time my first child is ten, the age his daughter is now. And that makes me think even more. What if I want two or three children? How old will I be? Again, I don't think it is an old age, and I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings here, it's just not what I want. I want to be a younger more energetic parent, that can raise her children and then enjoy my retirement. 

@ Omega, we decided to have kids a year or two after we got married. That was over 5 years ago. I understand things change, and we weren't ready then. But I have felt ready for years, and feel ready now. 

I journal a lot (obviously) and I look back at journal entries dated years ago, and feel like an idiot, reading the quotes my husband said abt wanting kids back then. What kind of a fool was I to believe it? Then a year and a half ago we relocated to my home town, and he told everyone before we left that we were moving to start a family. His opinion always changes. I dont think he wants to grow up. What's worse is, that is fine, because everyone is entitled to live life the way they want, and I agree with you Omega, in the sense that if one person doesnt want the child, you just dont have one. End of story. Well, I am in that position now. I want one, he doesn't. I just dont know how our story will end.

Thank you again for your responses, btw. 

And if anyone else has any opinions, please weigh in on this issue! Thank you!


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## imhereforadvice

Sometimes I think I just want him to grow up and show me that he's at least beginning to be ready, by being a better father to his daughter now. I have been wanting to see some changes, and haven't for quite a while. Maybe I am just grilling him extra hard because i get to see what kind of father he is already, to his child now, and i wonder how he will be with mine. Why would mine be any different? Sometimes i just want him to grow up. He still plays videogames everyday, and it's not exactly a turn on. At one point his daughter didnt even want to come over here anymore. it hurt my feelings so bad. i thought it was my fault for some reason. but when she got on the phone with my husband she was brave enough to say "i feel like when i'm over there you don't spend enough time with me." i wanted to throw up. i still do. i want him to want to be with her more, and be a better father, and have a desire to have children with me. i think i am living a fantasy here, and dont know what to do anymore


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## imhereforadvice

I would also like to add that my husband told me that it'd be ok if I stopped taking my birth control a few years ago, being that "if we get pregnant, it's ok, because we wanted to have kids soon anyway." and now he is saying he wants to wait another 3 years. Well, I am not on birth control still, and now I'm worried about it affecting our sex life, because i dont want to have sex with him as much now, because i'm afraid of us getting pregnant, and he not really being happy. That and other issues (see my posting in Sex in Marriage).


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## FirstYearDown

I have read your other posts.

I don't think that your husband wants another child. Why would he stall on something that he also really wanted? 

He doesn't seem very interested in his first child. What makes you think that will change, if you have a baby with him?

Having a child would not make your problems go away. It would make things worse.

It seems like this is causing a lot of resentment, which poisons your marriage. If you want a child above all else, you will have to move on.


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