# Terrible Advice, from BS



## whiteviper (Aug 8, 2015)

DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #81: A Bit Of Sully In Your Sweet - The Rumpus.net

I'm a WS turned BS and after having read the whole column plus the comments and all i can say is, what a terrible stance

Everyone knows that marriage is not a fairytale and not perfect and we are all human, but to use those reason as defense for infidelity is really lousy. I think all adult knows that marriage can be boring at time but infidelity is not tolerable. And yes we're all human but NOT all human cheats, some are liars while some respect their respective spouses enough not to cheat. The column writer also said that the asker who thinks that infidelity is a deal breaker is false. There's a hidden implication that the asker (who's engaged to be married) should adjust her expectation and should forgive cheating. 

Terrible advice after all, what do you think ?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I completely agree. Blame-shifting to the Nth degree. Yes, we all have part of the responsibility for our marriages failing when they do, but cheating is 100% on the cheater. It is a selfish choice they make, rationalizing to themselves that their spouse doesn't care about them anymore, anyway, will be OK, etc.

As a BS whose ex left me for a woman he met less than a year ago after 27 years together, 25 of them married, and out of that marriage came a teenage son, of course that's easy for me to say.

My ex was unhappy for years, so he said after I caught him. And only then. Never said a word to me about it before then.

Even in cases of unhappy spouses who tell their spouses repeatedly how unhappy they are, and/or try to get counseling to no avail, there is never an excuse to cheat. The cheater is going behind the back of his or her spouse, lying, sharing things with another they should be sharing in the marriage only. It is the worst thing, aside from physical abuse, anyone could ever do to another person - especially a person they vowed before God and all their loved ones to love and honor forever, for better and for worse, forsaking all others.

If you're that unhappy, leave. Cheating and staying in the marriage isn't doing your spouse and children any favors. They will all find out sooner or later, and then you'll have only added insult to injury.


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> *My ex was unhappy for years, so he said after I caught him. And only then. Never said a word to me about it before then.* *Mine too!*
> 
> Even in cases of unhappy spouses who tell their spouses repeatedly how unhappy they are, and/or try to get counseling to no avail, there is never an excuse to cheat. The cheater is going behind the back of his or her spouse, lying, sharing things with another they should be sharing in the marriage only. It is the worst thing, aside from physical abuse, anyone could ever do to another person - especially a person they vowed before God and all their loved ones to love and honor forever, for better and for worse, forsaking all others.
> 
> If you're that unhappy, leave. Cheating and staying in the marriage isn't doing your spouse and children any favors. They will all find out sooner or later, and then you'll have only added insult to injury.


Truer words have never been spoken. Is there a multi-like button??

If only they could comprehend the magnitude of the pain and damage they cause...but that is rarely the case from what I have learned.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sugar's advice is flawed and toxic.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Sugar's advice is flawed and toxic.


Agreed. Just because she decided to give her live-in boyfriend another chance when he was immediately remorseful and begged for a an R doesn't mean every BS will experience that, or will decide it's not a deal breaker if they do.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

The advice is flawed in that it's not a once size fits all. But the general point isn't bad. We are flawed and broken people living in a flawed and broken world. And we will do flawed and broken things. The big question is, can we live with that? We all have limits. Boundaries that should not be crossed. Is this person we love trying? Do they love and respect us? If they cheated on us, the answer to that question is typically no. Which stacks the deck against successful R. 

Some people learn from their mistakes. Some learn to get better at hiding them, some learn to be better at not making them. The hard part is distinguishing one from the other.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I'm not going to agree with the stance of flawed and broken people. That would imply there is a version of "people" that is without flaws or breaks. 

We exist, period. In the world we experience suffering and joy. Setbacks and wins. We make mistakes, we do things right the first time. Yes, some of our experiences may be skewed. That's my belief anyway.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I think the point is sort of valid.

Be sure with yourself if cheating is actually a deal-breaker or not. For some it is, for some it isn't.

And then be honest with you spouse-to-be about that. And if you'd want to know if they cheated or not..


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