# You know the saying ... if mama ain't happy....



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

If Mama ain’t happy…

I have commented on threads but haven’t posted an update in a while because I am back at work and way too busy (barely treading water). 

Back about two weeks ago I had a couple of things happen that helped me let go of my marriage:
1)	Started just tossing and cleaning belongings (we still have more to toss)
2)	My 8 yo told me that we were doing fine without Dad around
Also was telling me I could bump into a man at hardware stores so I could get married again and he could have a new dad
Letting go of belongings I had treasured was uplifting and my kids reassuring me that we are doing fine as a family lifted me much higher!

I started to feel like I could move on now and let go of my 27 yr relationship that I missed for months. I felt happier, content, and independent, proud of myself and my kids. A weight had finally been lifted (and my ad probably had kicked in). I was also having less and less contact w/ H. 

He would contact me about picking up furniture etc and I had to ask if he was going to see the kids or maybe even let them spend the night. He said no, he had plans and maybe could take them for a few hours on Saturday. I had to push him to keep them for 4 hours (wow – dripping w/ sarcasm). 

Over that same wkd my oldest contacted her ‘father’ and told him that she can’t believe he has turned into this person who isn’t providing for his family and not there for all his children. He said something like it makes him physically ill to be at out house and was not going to talk about it w/ her. (She told me and I of course felt hurt and my mood took a dive). Btw she said he has lost the title of “Dad” and is now simply her ‘father.’

I also had IC and felt like I could do this. She has helped me see he was never an active parent to these kids, but a loving and passive one. I was setting a time limit (for me to file) if he still showed no sign of remorse or wanting to R. 

A few days later he told me to tell my family that he was not moving back and they could stop talking to him about it. (again hurtful and angry words). I never replied to him after this. 

I talked to my oldest and she just keeps telling me to FILE (and she has found people for me to hang out w/ and possibly date when I am ready). The older kids are so tired of his behavior. 

That next wkd he text to see if he could call the kids. He can always call them and vice versa. Hours later he called they talked 10 mins. The next day the called him for about 5 mins. Still no contact from me to him. He has asked questions that wkd and I just didn’t answer. He doesn’t want to be part of my life he doesn’t get to ask about me. 

So over all being back at work after break and having my work family supporting me, my job keeping me busy, I have been more positive that I want to file. I don’t want to do what Jayb did and end any possibility of an R so I am a little hesitant (but only a little). I have a friend looking into some different lawyers because the one I was going w/ is over 4k before she will do any work for me. I am not making all my bills so I can’t imagine having this money anytime soon, but am ready to move on if he shows no sign. 

It’s been 7 days since I had heard from him and he text me today asking questions about how things were going. I have felt pretty strong w/ no contact. 

It’s been 5 months since I have had a mans touch, intimacy, and real companionship, I haven’t gone this long w/o for 3 decades… ☹

I have had more good days than bad so it’s getting better. After last night and reading Daisy’s update I had a dream about my H wanting to R…. I woke up sad. I really can’t see it happening.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Mama - I'm so sorry you're going through this; it's so unfair. I don't have any helpful advice, I just wanted to say that I think your oldest daughter is a treasure, and I'm glad she's there to help you through this.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mama, know that I pray for you and your family. 

I'm telling you, 5 years from now, we'll all look back on this and laugh.

Actually, today I was reminded of something that happened 3 weeks ago. That seems so long ago. So much has happened within that time.

Stay strong. Your children are your rocks. 

When you make decisions, know what you are doing, why you are doing, etc. If you can justify your behaviors, your conscience will be clear.

I wish you the best!!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Mama you are getting stronger and stronger each day. You should be so proud of yourself and of your kids for handling things so well and how awesomely you are all supporting each other. Your stbxh is giving away something he will NEVER have again and someday he will feel it. 
Keep moving forward....you're doing great!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mama
How are you? You sound like you are getting stronger day by day. I'm sorry my update gave you a set back. I know how much you are hurting. 
I don't reall know what to say to help you feel better but I am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

I prayed for months that my H wld return. But I stopped and for the last 4 weeks I just Prayed that he would do what he knew was right in his heart for his family. I hope your H will do the right thing too.
I started moving on and doing things to make myself and my kids haPpy and that's what you need to do too. I know it's difficult hun but you will get strength from it.
Take care
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Mama
> How are you? You sound like you are getting stronger day by day. I'm sorry my update gave you a set back. I know how much you are hurting.
> I don't reall know what to say to help you feel better but I am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.
> 
> ...



Oh Daisy please don't be sorry! I am so happy for you!! 
I had a set back. I noticed Saturday that I had been smiling all morning, then all day, all day Sunday, and ALL DAY TODAY! I am happy. I like me again. I am ready to make some big decisions if he MAKES me. I have been NC, but for kids, cars, and finances... and I have let him no I am moving many bills into my name alone etc. Even when I have to communicate w/ him panic/anxiety is low. I do find myself having some when I talk about him but not to his 'face' and it's more of the situation then him that I think (money issues). 

I have been seriously purging my life and house. My kids are very supportive of this purge. It has been so uplifting. Literally throwing SOOO MUCH away... burning it or taking it to Good Will. If he forces us to move we will move light. Not quite like tha San Bushman but we won't have much to take w/ us!!

Again... I am so happy for you Daisy!!! It gave me just a little hope (it's all I needed) but I am OKAY either way.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Today I had to go out and make a major purchase w/o him. I had to spend 1k, it felt strange. 

I went to both hardware stores near me and the men were everywhere. I then went to the grocery store and noticed it's easier to make eye contact at the grocery store than at a hardware store! lol
When I first walked into the grocery store I made eye contact w/ a man and noticed my eyes went down and away... why would I do that!! Ugh


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Decades of being a faithful wife, maybe? Hard to turn that off in just a few months.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Probably. I have been working really hard at eye contact, smiling at strangers, etc. I actually had several women say hi to me today as I did the same to all people. Who can't use a smile? 

I'd really, really like for another step to be taken by me or someone toward me, but I guess I should have learned w/ 180 that I am the one that needs to make things happen if I want them to be, I just don't know how!?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi honey,
Sounds like you are doing really well. I agree with Oldgirl: it's the decades of being a faithful spouse that makes it hard to make eye contact with other men. It feels as if you're bring unfaithful almost. But I know you can do it. It feels really nice to have a smile back from someone. I also found that making small unselfish gestures to people really made me feel good too. Just something as simple as smiling at an old person or letting someone pull out in front of me in their car gave me small pleasures. I know it sounds crazy but it all helps with the confidence!
Thinking of you
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> Today I had to go out and make a major purchase w/o him. I had to spend 1k, it felt strange.
> 
> I went to both hardware stores near me and the men were everywhere. I then went to the grocery store and noticed it's easier to make eye contact at the grocery store than at a hardware store! lol
> When I first walked into the grocery store I made eye contact w/ a man and noticed my eyes went down and away... why would I do that!! Ugh


The men at the hardware store are way to focussed on their purchases i think, I only go in to buy gardening stuff, I only pay attention to what I want, and my daughter is usually dictating what we need for the garden. bossy little girl like her mom.

Yeah, I get that your eyes would go down, it's kind of embarrassing to catch someone looking at you I guess, you turn away, it doesn't feel right. I guess it's because we're used to not doing that, we weren't in the same mind frame.

funny story...

When I was younger, sometimes I still do it. You know those people that just love to stare, not the ga ga stare, but just the nosy stare, watching me parent or whatever. I get a bit angry at this, but if I'm in one of my "spunky" moods I'll stare them down, I find this to be soo amusing.

Or, I used to ride the commuter trains in university, I hated the subway, it was bumpy, boobies jingling all over, men staring, I got fed up a few times, and just stared back, and kept staring until they felt uncomfortable.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Thanks, yeah I was doing better than yesterday and I woke up w/ such anxiety today. I know it's because it's Saturday and Easter wkd. I was wondering if their father would want to see them or call them. We have plans today since he hasn't planned ahead so I will probably turn him down if he wants to do anything with them. We shouldn't have to wait around for him to call. 

I did have a young man who waited on me a few weeks ago walk out of his way to check on me at the store yesterday. He came up and talked to me and was just sweet (the fact he remembered me) was a bit shocking. No thoughts of being a cougar... he does know that my H just left me... I guess any attention from the opposite sex is nice.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Went to the store and practiced eye contact and smiling... much better today

Now for fun w/ the kids. We missed the Easter Egg hunt at their school (they have forgotten about it so far) so I owe them some fun today. 

No contact/call from their father I guess he won't want to see/talk to them this holiday wkd.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

We just finished dying Easter eggs...I haven't taken them to an egg hunt but filled a bunch and am going to do one for them here...bought a ham for Easter dinner....nothings changed...keeping the same routines...just without the stbx. 
Hope you have a good day today with your kiddos


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

My H hasn't even called or tried to see them this wkd. I can't believe it. Yet so many men on TAM want/miss their children.

It's a 3 day holiday wkd and nothing from him. No happy Easter, no trying to take kids, see kids, talk to them.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

i hope you ladies enjoy easter today with the kids- have fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> My H hasn't even called or tried to see them this wkd. I can't believe it. Yet so many men on TAM want/miss their children.


It sounds like he's got issues, have fun with ur kids and it's his loss right? The kids are already starting to figure him out.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

working_together said:


> It sounds like he's got issues, have fun with ur kids and it's his loss right? The kids are already starting to figure him out.


:iagree:

Hope you all have a happy Easter.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Thanks I hope you all do. I need to be in the moment and enjoy them. It's just he usually hides the eggs, baskets etc. I expected him to do the Easter egg hunt (you know so he can 'look' like a good dad to his friends on fb). But nothing. You are right it is his loss. I am ready to move on and find a friend who enjoys quality and quantity in family life and the outdoors. I got my first sun burn of the year, we were outside all day yesterday.


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

A long Easter weekend and not a peep from their dad? Guess it's really time to move on, Mama.. Happy Easter. Glad you and your kids had a fun time.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Yeah, I have pretty much moved on, and wish I could move further purge him totally from my life. I guess he is working on having my adult children resent/dislike him more than they already do. The littles love unconditionally but not for long if he keeps this up. 

They ask about getting a new dad... how sad is that. For you dads out there I do remind them that they already have a father and that if I marry again he will be a step dad. Then they give me their wish list for the new man. (Yeah, no pressure, right?) lol


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