# My blind husband acts weirdly lately...



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

My husband is 27 years old and i am 25, we met 4 years ago, he was blocking the cars in the middle of streets, everyone was yelling at him to move, he was confused and lost so i jumped in and helped him. That is how we got together, long story short. He is blind since birth and sees nothing. He is tall guy and very cute, he is so cute i cant stop hugging, kissing and squeezing him. He was very lonely, well me too.
He was very insecure, all the girls would dump him sooner or later because he is blind, so at start he couldn't believe me that i want to be with him. He is master of accordion, plays it in some orchestra, so he has a job.
I could spend days sitting in his lap letting him to touch my face and body, he tells me "Let me see you, and then pulls down his fingers down my face and body, most beautiful feeling i get. When we sleep, he would hug me by arms and legs and sleep like that, he expresses himself by touching. 
Now the problem showed up around one month ago, some thugs blocked our way in the park, they took away my wallet, and they started abusing me, so he started swinging his stick, but they did beat the hell out of him. I was screaming like crazy so some people showed up and so the thugs fled. He is okay now, at least his body is okay, but his manhood is hurt, a lot. He is mad at himself for being "useless" in that situation. 
For entire month he keeps calling himself names, he calls himself "Mistake of nature." "Useless bat". Those name calling he does to himself hurt me. He started to hate himself. He avoids hugging thing, when we sleep he turns towards the wall and keeps away from me. When i initiate sex he would accept but not enjoy it, just like a robot. He even once asked me to divorce him and find a useful husband and he would add "Don't worry about me, i will console myself by accordion, they brainwashed me anyway to think that accordion can be way to happiness." Then he would laugh at that. He keeps leaving the house without his guide dog or stick. And i think he would step at the road for cars on purpose. And he was even once beaten by one driver who apologized when he saw that my husband is blind. He even came to me to apologize once more, he told me that when he released that he is beating a blind man and when he stopped it, my husband was laughing and yelling to continue the beating and kept telling that we are all equal and that doesn't want pity that he is sick of it. I tried many ways to tell him that i love him and that everything is okay but it didn't work. I feel that distance between us is growing. He even started to drink alcohol, and he never did that before. That thing with the thugs just crossed some line in my husband's mind, and now all the negative thing that he experienced in his life are coming out. Some neighbors told me that he yells at them if they offer him help. The only living being he keeps being close to is his guide dog, i followed them once, he goes deep in to some near by forest with his guide dog and plays his accordion there alone, or rolls down the fall with the dog, like some kid. I told him that i followed him, he yelled at me, that he is not a baby, doesn't need a supervision and that wants to be alone. Once i even mention therapist, he told me "Now i am not only blind, i am crazy too?" Didn't want to speak to me for entire day. He stopped hanging out with the few good friends he had, he acts like he hates entire world now. Many girls hit on him on the street under excuse to help him, he would rudely show them his marriage ring and walk away. Well this part i like. haha
I love him very much, but this last month, he is acting so strange, i cant follow it. Don't know what to do... I am also kinda scared for him and for our marriage... He was kind and completely normal person, now he just exploded. Don't know what to do...


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

No one can know what crosses a disabled person's mind at any given moment. My grandma is deaf since she was 6, she's nearly 80 now, and she copes well.. At least as far as we know.

Maybe he thinks he's inadequate. Maybe he thinks that you see him as inadequate. Maybe he heard some hurtful things on the street about him, while passing by. Until such time he talks about it, or you sit him down and ask nicely, one will never know.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hes depressed.

I would just tell him the truth. That you loved the old person you fell in love with the person that didn't let blindness stop him the person with the courage to face the world like a true man. more so than a lot of men who can see perfectly. and if he continues to act like an ordinary man then you will fall out of love with him.

is there a chance when you first met him in the middle of the street he was doing the same thing then?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What kind of music does he play?

Can you arrange for him to have some cool gigs? What if he had new audiences and a new music?

Bela Bartok and Bach on the accordion is divine.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

He feels that if he had sight, he would have been able to come to your rescue. A huge hit to his masculinity. Feelings of guilt that he couldn't defend the most precious thing to him. Yes, he is depressed. He needs your love, your Empathy (not sympathy), and to know you miss him.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> No one can know what crosses a disabled person's mind at any given moment. My grandma is deaf since she was 6, she's nearly 80 now, and she copes well.. At least as far as we know.
> 
> Maybe he thinks he's inadequate. Maybe he thinks that you see him as inadequate. Maybe he heard some hurtful things on the street about him, while passing by. Until such time he talks about it, or you sit him down and ask nicely, one will never know.


I have tried to ask him nicely, but he somehow gets away with it. He pretends everything is fine. He is still nice to me, by the way, but to the outside world he is just rude, i cant even describe his weird behavior.


----------



## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Sneza said:


> I have tried to ask him nicely, but he somehow gets away with it. He pretends everything is fine. He is still nice to me, by the way, but to the outside world he is just rude, i cant even describe his weird behavior.


HE needs IC ASAP.

WWHT


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> hes depressed.
> 
> I would just tell him the truth. That you loved the old person you fell in love with the person that didn't let blindness stop him the person with the courage to face the world like a true man. more so than a lot of men who can see perfectly. and if he continues to act like an ordinary man then you will fall out of love with him.
> 
> is there a chance when you first met him in the middle of the street he was doing the same thing then?


I actually told him that, almost exactly as you wrote, he just said "You see, in darkness such thing don't really matter." I was shocked... 

No, the first time i met him, he was lost for real.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> What kind of music does he play?
> 
> Can you arrange for him to have some cool gigs? What if he had new audiences and a new music?
> 
> Bela Bartok and Bach on the accordion is divine.


He is really good with his music, one of best in the state, he plays all kinds of music, but he mostly enjoys folk/ethno music. He plays in city's orchestra, so his audience is not matter of choice.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sneza said:


> He is really good with his music, one of best in the state, he plays all kinds of music, but he mostly enjoys folk/ethno music. He plays in city's orchestra, so his audience is not matter of choice.


Which State are you in? I ask because help might be available for victims of such attacks.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Which State are you in? I ask because help might be available for victims of such attacks.


I live in Europe.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why did you post this in the infidelity section?


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> why did you post this in the infidelity section?


It seemed most popular.


----------



## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

He may have not necessarily been able to rescue you even if he is not visually impaired. Many men will not be able to fight of a group of thugs single handedly, that only happens in movies. He needs to understand that, can you bring up the subject again and talk about it? Hope he feels better soon and you two are happy again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sneza said:


> It seemed most popular.


True, sadly. 

But it's best get the moderators to move it to a more suitable section, I think.

Which country in Europe? I might be able to find some sources of help.

What kind of blindness does he have? If it's caused by corneal damage, there's a new treatment involving a person's own tooth and a plastic lens. This only works if it is not retinal damage, however.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> True, sadly.
> 
> But it's best get the moderators to move it to a more suitable section, I think.
> 
> ...


He gets really pissed off if someone mentions him help such as therapists. We live in Serbia. He was born blind and sees nothing. Doctors told that there is still no way to fix his blindness.

Well if moderators move subject i will get like 2 feedbacks in 2 weeks.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he's in a deep depression. Try to get him to a doctor for medication.

There are self defense classes for the blind. They use martial arts and modify the approach. 

ONE TOUCH: NEW SELF-DEFENSE PROGRAM TRAINS BLIND INSTRUCTORS by Jim Pilkington | American Council of the Blind

Find things in your area that would give him more confidence physically. 

Does he know other blind people? Association with others who have his same disability might be of great help to him as well.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sneza said:


> He gets really pissed off if someone mentions him help such as therapists. We live in Serbia. He was born blind and sees nothing. Doctors told that there is still no way to fix his blindness.
> 
> Well if moderators move subject i will get like 2 feedbacks in 2 weeks.


This is what I was referring to 'Eyetooth' Helps Restore Woman's Sight : NPR

Only works with corneal rather than retinal problems.

Not much obvious government help for Blind people in Serbia.
Serbia | Article 20 – Personal mobility | UNCRPD Database | Projects | Projects & Activities | European Blind Union

GOSBG


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This is what I was referring to 'Eyetooth' Helps Restore Woman's Sight : NPR
> 
> Only works with corneal rather than retinal problems.
> 
> ...


Serbian government doesn't help anyone, not only blind People, so we are all equal, haha.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sneza said:


> Well if moderators move subject i will get like 2 feedbacks in 2 weeks.


If it's moved to the general relationship forum you will get plenty of responses. 

Many of use the "New Post" and "User Control Panel" to find posts. I for seldom go to specific forums. People will find your thread.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like he's in a deep depression. Try to get him to a doctor for medication.
> 
> There are self defense classes for the blind. They use martial arts and modify the approach.
> 
> ...


He refuses to see therapists, i think it hurts his pride even more. I noticed in USA everyone has therapists, in Serbia that's rare. 

If i suggest him self-defense class, i can only imagine how wrong he can understand that, what if he thinks "She wants me to be able to defend her next time." 

He has one blind friend, but they don't meet a lot.


----------



## Battle_Cats (Jun 28, 2012)

He feels inadequate, embarrassed, and dependent because of his disability and what happened. A man needs to feel like his woman can and does depend on him and sees him as invincible. How can he feel that way if he couldn't defend you and actually ended up needing someone else to rescue him? Of course, he fails to realize that even a sighted man would have a hard time fighting off multiple thugs at once but he probably blames his blindness as the sole reason.

He is wallowing in self pity because of this. Many men tend to not understand that male physical strength and prowess is not the only strength a man can demonstrate. The strength to face adversity (blindness) and overcome it to be a successful man in a world where the sighted have the advantage is a HUGE strength in itself. 

There is also the issue where he probably recognizes how vulnerable he is out in society. I'm sure this has also shaken his confidence.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I understand why you came to this forum Sneza. I too noticed there are always 500-600 posters on here. All the others have no more than 50 and mostly less and I don't think you would have gotten as many replies. I'm not even sure which section your issue would belong to. You are clearly distressed and want help and support so hopefully posters will help with your pain. That is why we all came here eventhough yours is a different situation. So I do not agree that your post should go elsewhere. I for one will follow your story. 

I was so moved when I read your description of how he goes into the forest with his dog, especially the part about him rolling around with his dog as a child would and also playing his accordion. This is his way of release from his problems and I think it is important to allow him that time alone. If you follow him because you are worried he will do something dangerous, don't tell him that you follow him. It will make him feel helpless which is what he is fighting against

One VERY important point: I think you need to make him understand that even if he wasn't blind he could not have helped you against a bunch of thugs. No man could. Perhaps if he has a close male friend or male family member you can ask that person to sit with him and explain that if it had been him, someone who isn't blind, he wouldn't have been able to do anything either against a bunch of thugs. His masculinity is suffering which is why it may be better to get a man to talk to him. Also the man could tell him that he misses their friendship as you said he is not seeing his friends anymore. He could then tell him to fight the thugs now by not letting them take away the enjoyable life he had before. Stuff the thugs! Get him angry about them. That is his way for revenge, to refuse to allow them affect his life now.

Also if he had been able to fight, the fight could have gone on longer and you could both have been very seriously injured. You yourself might have been injured more so in fact ironically it helped the situation and what happened to you that he did not fight back. The thugs could got more aggressive and thugs always want a fight. They are the ones who are weak and not your husband, a crowd of them attacking one man.

People who have been mugged suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). Depression is a big symptom of it and it can go on for a long time and needs an expert to help him with it. Anti-depressants may help - I don't know I am not a doctor.

So can you go to your family doctor (you by yourself initially to explain). If anyone knows where he could get help your doctor would know. Also your country had a very bad war and there must be lots of people over there with PTSD so it may be easier to get help than you might think. There may be even a support group for those who have PTSD in your area. If he went along there would probably not be someone there who is blind which would make him understand that his blindness had nothing to do with what happened since no man could have stopped it.

I also think that when a person is depressed rather than trying to cheer them up, it is better to empathise and say that if you had that happen to you, you would feel what he is feeling. You might even say that you don't want those thugs to steal away the beautiful relationship you had before. Then they will have injured you as a couple very seriously indeed. Physical injuries get fixed, mental ones are much harder to fix. As above say that you don't want those horrible thugs to ruin your life.

You might also say that being blind is not easy for anyone. Yet he has done a magnificent job to carve out a normal life and deal with the disadvantage it gave him. Many others could not have and he is a brave and strong man to have been able to do so.

I understand that your government is harsh and there is not much in the way of social services. Perhaps there is a Red Cross there or some other international agency who would help.

These are just some suggestions. Perhaps none of them are any good but I thought to at least reply and give you some ideas.

Take care of yourself, I will be following your thread.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If he's been blind since birth why was he driving?


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

Jasel said:


> If he's been blind since birth why was he driving?


He was never driving, he walked on the street.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry, I hadn't seen BattleCats post before I posted and said much the same thing!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I have faced a lot of adversity since being in an accident in 1994.It is easy to get mad at the world.
It sounds like this encounter with these thugs has left your husband very bitter about his inability to protect you, which is at the heart and soul of every decent man. 
This may very well be the trigger for deep seeded frustrations that he has held for a long time from your description.
He needs to come to terms with these feelings and vent, which it doesn't sound like he is doing very well.
To my way of thinking, you should seek out a counselor.When you find one that you believe will be suitable go yourself first and tell them of the situation and see if they recommend joint counseling or not.
Then explain to him that you love him and don't want to leave him but if he won't go to counseling that your going to have no choice but to separate from him as you can no longer live this way.
This may sound harsh, but I really think you need to do an intervention like this with him before he self destructs which it sounds like he is on the path to doing.
If he is a person of faith would he be will to see a pastor or such?


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

86857 said:


> I understand why you came to this forum Sneza. I too noticed there are always 500-600 posters on here. All the others have no more than 50 and mostly less and I don't think you would have gotten as many replies. I'm not even sure which section your issue would belong to. You are clearly distressed and want help and support so hopefully posters will help with your pain. That is why we all came here eventhough yours is a different situation. So I do not agree that your post should go elsewhere. I for one will follow your story.
> 
> I was so moved when I read your description of how he goes into the forest with his dog, especially the part about him rolling around with his dog as a child would and also playing his accordion. This is his way of release from his problems and I think it is important to allow him that time alone. If you follow him because you are worried he will do something dangerous, don't tell him that you follow him. It will make him feel helpless which is what he is fighting against
> 
> ...


He told me that he likes to go to that place (forest), because he can feel every grass, or leaf, hear the wind moving the trees, and dog running around. And also it makes echo when he plays music there. And likes to be alone. Thank you for the support by the way. As i wrote earlier, he refuses to see a therapist, and only it hurts his pride even more. I don't think that his problem's source is only thugs, i think they only triggered all those negative things that were gathering in him for years. Those thugs did really humiliate him, they were kicking him and rolling him on the ground, they even tried to take away his pants, it was horrable to watch. All he could do is curse. After thugs left, some People and me tried to help him, he yelled that no one touches him.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

And, oh. This may sound "normal" for most people, but - 

My compliments, for you, choosing a life with a "disabled" one, for seeing him as a human being, for seeing him not as someone who is condemned to be a beggar on the streets, for choosing to make im smile, make him happy.

Whatever the reason, I certainly hope you'll touch his heart and make him pour out what's troubling his kind soul.


----------



## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

You sound like a wonderful partner. Hes lucky to have you. He may come out of this fog all on his own. How long has it been going on? Several years ago I had three seizures randomly out of the blue having never had one. I could still hear my wife on the phone with 911 screaming. And I remember her holding me begging me not to die. It shook my confidence in myself. I didnt trust my body and I felt in danger. I couldn't be strong for my wife and I definitely felt less of a man. It's definitely a real emotion and your gentleman being an artist and all is probably experiencing this on a really deep level. 

To be honest I didn't come out of it with self help, my wife's help or therapy. My wife caught pregnant unexpectedly. It was the cure for me. I knew I would be ok bc I had a real thing that I had to do. I had to step up. 

Obviously one should never have a baby to try and fix a broken situation. Its just by luck God saw fit to make us parents. But maybe if you express just how much you NEED him and you are lost and in pain without him he would come out of his hole. In this role you would want to avoid the appearance of taking care of him. Give him some sort of reason to need to be strong and masculine again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't really have any advice, you are in the wrong section for that, but you are both lucky to have found eachother. Especially him.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sneza said:


> It seemed most popular.


You are brilliant!


:smthumbup:

I once had a girlfriend from Serbia. I know what a hard country it is. 

Your English is great. Did you study or live abroad for some years?

In the US there was very famous blind musician who wrote a beautiful song for his wife. If you haven't heard it, here it is.

The accordion is a wonderful instrument because it contains its own amplification and the pumps out sound with force. And yet in the hands of an artist it can still be suggestively gentle.

Do you know any composers who could write something to express his anger and depression. It should contain some redemption....

I am going to cut out your first post and send it to the musicians I know and see how they react.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

JadedHusband said:


> You sound like a wonderful partner. Hes lucky to have you. He may come out of this fog all on his own. How long has it been going on? Several years ago I had three seizures randomly out of the blue having never had one. I could still hear my wife on the phone with 911 screaming. And I remember her holding me begging me not to die. It shook my confidence in myself. I didnt trust my body and I felt in danger. I couldn't be strong for my wife and I definitely felt less of a man. It's definitely a real emotion and your gentleman being an artist and all is probably experiencing this on a really deep level.
> 
> To be honest I didn't come out of it with self help, my wife's help or therapy. My wife caught pregnant unexpectedly. It was the cure for me. I knew I would be ok bc I had a real thing that I had to do. I had to step up.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to hear about your wife's problems with 9/11. 

Exactly, i want to avoid appearance of taking care of him. He is independent a lot, he knows the city well, he can do a lot work at house on his own, but still blind person always needs help in many situations, and when i try to help it bothers him in some way, sometimes he even expresses that.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> And, oh. This may sound "normal" for most people, but -
> 
> My compliments, for you, choosing a life with a "disabled" one, for seeing him as a human being, for seeing him not as someone who is condemned to be a beggar on the streets, for choosing to make im smile, make him happy.
> 
> Whatever the reason, I certainly hope you'll touch his heart and make him pour out what's troubling his kind soul.


Thank you, you are too kind. I really enjoyed my life with him, and i was happiest when i make him smile, but these last days he has completely closed all the gates for me or anyone. These last days, sometimes i think he loves more his dog than me, their connection is so strong. For example, if i rise my voice at my husband, his dog at once comes between us and barks at me. Once we wanted to check out something, i was pretending that i was hitting and attacking my husband and his dog jumped at me to save him, he nocked me down at the ground.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You are brilliant!
> 
> 
> :smthumbup:
> ...


This is my highschool English, almost everyone younger than 40 speaks it in Serbia, haha. Those older than 40 speak Russian. 

He just needs to hear some song one or 2 times and he already can play it, he is really good with it. He doesn't have composers.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like he's in a deep depression. Try to get him to a doctor for medication.
> 
> There are self defense classes for the blind. They use martial arts and modify the approach.
> 
> ...


 This is excellent advice! When I read your first post, this was my first thought. I have a question. How far did the abuse go. Where they molesting you? Where they at tempting to rape you? Depending on how far things got, or not, your husband took an incredible psychological blow!
He also however, manage to defend you somewhat. Well they were beating him up they were not paying attention to you and it gave you time to scream and for help to arrive. 
I think you should pursue a path together. Where by, through communication and cooperation, you both work together on your self defense. It will strengthen you as a couple to work on this together, and it will help him mentally to know you have a well drilled plan in place. It will however take both of you working in unison to defend yourself.
I am a fighter. I have lost a few competitions, but in a real fight, it has never even been close. The most important rule is you do not fight with your body but with your MIND!

You two can come out of this Much closer As well as better prepared. I sincerely hope you two can work it out.
Best wishes. Keep in touch. P.S. You might want to check out the laws in Serbia To see what type of concealed weapons That you can carry. If you are afraid of guns I've trained person With a Taser Is quite effective!
Take care Sneza.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> This is excellent advice! When I read your first post, this was my first thought. I have a question. How far did the abuse go. Where they molesting you? Where they at tempting to rape you? Depending on how far things got, or not, your husband took an incredible psychological blow!
> He also however, manage to defend you somewhat. Well they were beating him up they were not paying attention to you and it gave you time to scream and for help to arrive.
> I think you should pursue a path together. Where by, through communication and cooperation, you both work together on your self defense. It will strengthen you as a couple to work on this together, and it will help him mentally to know you have a well drilled plan in place. It will however take both of you working in unison to defend yourself.
> I am a fighter. I have lost a few competitions, but in a real fight, it has never even been close. The most important rule is you do not fight with your body but with your MIND!
> ...


Well the thugs came to us out of no where, took away my purse and from it they took my wallet, then my husband tried to calm down situation by telling "Okay guys, take the money, just leave her ID cart and documents, you know how boring and long are the procedures to get the new ones." Then they started circling around us and one thug said "Maybe we should leave the documents, but take this beauty with us." Then they started touching me, then my husband lost the control and swing his stick so hard across one thug's face, i remember, during entire fight time, he was holding hand on his face and was complaining about the pain, then they beat up my husband. I remember one thug said "Enough guys, he is blind." My husband replied "Oh you guys are so honorable, don't stop now." Then some People started to show up and they fled. Got arrested later.

I am afraid of his reaction if i suggest him to go to self defense classes, what if he think that i want proper protection, who knows what silly things he could think in this stage of his mind.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

Today I have found out that he has been buying pills for sleeping. They were in a place in which i assume he was trying to hide those pills. He never needed those. What if he tries to commit suicide? I asked him about the pills, i even cried, he only said that everything is fine and then he just walked away outside. Before these crises, if i cry he would hug me, but now not. He scares the hell out of me.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

He acts really weirdly. Yesterday i found his sleeping pills he never used before, he refused sex, and he never does that. I've heard him chanting to his dog that he is tired of darkness, did that silently, he thought he was alone... This is turning out to be scary for me...


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

His depression has really taken hold Sneza and it is not good to hear about the sleeping pills.

I think you now MUST go to your family doctor by yourself and explain all this. You must also tell your close family members/friends what is going on but tell them not to let him know that they know.

Think hard of the best person who could talk to him. Who is the closest person to him apart from you? A family member? Or perhaps a musician friend? They are very sensitive people.

He is in a dark place and it may be best for you not to talk about it too much but just be there for him. You could perhaps occasionally gently say you miss his hugs SO much without appearing to crowd him, and that you cannot imagine your world without him in it and just gently stroke his face.

Depressed people get completely immersed in themselves and their dark thoughts and they are hard to get through to. Check on the net for advice on how to deal with a depressed spouse. There is lots of information on it.

I do not like to offer any advice because this is a mental health issue in my opinion and I am not a doctor. That is why I urge you to see your doctor by yourself as soon as possible to get help with this.

Take care of yourself. I really feel for you Sneza.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

86857 said:


> His depression has really taken hold Sneza and it is not good to hear about the sleeping pills.
> 
> I think you now MUST go to your family doctor by yourself and explain all this. You must also tell your close family members/friends what is going on but tell them not to let him know that they know.
> 
> ...


I spent entire last night hugging and kissing him until i didn't fall to sleep on his chest. I called his mother, she knows how to approach him and he loves her, she was very protective to him, of course, he is blind. I really cant imagine my world without him. 
I love everything about him, i love the way he moves his head along with his shoulders like blind People do. I love the way he keeps his head bowed a bit when he talks and laughs. When we spend time together, he tells that i must come under his embrace or otherwise we are not really together because he cant see me. Love to see how he hugs pillow, thinking it is me, when he sleeps. Love to watch him cooking, playing his accordion. I cant imagine myself with other man.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should tell him he was heroic in defending you and he succeeded.

Is your bathtub big enough for the two of you? Perhaps you can get in and soak in the hot water together.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You should tell him he was heroic in defending you and he succeeded.
> 
> Is your bathtub big enough for the two of you? Perhaps you can get in and soak in the hot water together.


Yes we have big bathtub. That helps?


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Sneza said:


> I remember one thug said "Enough guys, he is blind." My husband replied "Oh you guys are so honorable, don't stop now." Then some People started to show up and they fled. Got arrested later.


Your Husband is a VERY BRAVE MAN.

He took a beating and still pissed off those a$sh*oles.

Not many men have that kind of guts. He is one of a kind.

I hope you guys get over this. Wish you well.

You are a very lucky girl.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> He feels that if he had sight, he would have been able to come to your rescue. A huge hit to his masculinity. Feelings of guilt that he couldn't defend the most precious thing to him. Yes, he is depressed. He needs your love, your Empathy (not sympathy), and to know you miss him.


:iagree:

Im about to spill it a little here. I recently became disabled. I see and empathise with your husbands feeling. Its a case of "been there and done it".

During the attack he heard you being attacked also, he heard you try to defend him when the low lifes where taking him on. He feels not threatened ,not hurt but reasponsible for not being there in to protect his woman, his mate. Unless he could have beaten them off and stood there seeing these creeps disappearing in to the sunset with their tails between their legs he feels responsible for your safety and welbeing. Now he feels that hes let you down. Its completely natural for this to happen. 
No matter how much you tell him you love him, he will continue to feel useless. 

His reactions when the driver attacked show that he is trying to be the alpha male, head of the house, the hunter gatherer. 

He does need to have some support. He needs understand and accept that he did infact do one heck of a brave thing by attempting to protect you. In many societies which are gun and knife reliant thugs would /could have done as much damage to him even if he were sighted. And herein lies the point. 
He did protect you, he did what a loving husband would do. He must now accept that in many cases these days no matter how much a husband reacts like a ninja master in reality out numbered and up against a set of thugs who possibly have a load of powder in their system means that you are on the back foot. 

He feels emasculated. His reaction is a mirror of what I have gone through recently. It is for him, the end of his world. 
You are doing the right things you really are. being there to support (not protect!) is vital. He needs to settle and feel his is once more good about himself. After all he really is not disabled. He just does things differently to others. He has great skills, skills that I would love to have.
I see youve come across someother issues i.e.sleeping etc. I suspect he is suffering a form of PTSS, post traumatic stress syndrome. He re-runng the conflict continually. he may be getting many sleepless nights and lack of sleep allows this to win the battle. He is showing all the common signs I had(have) and it will need medical intervention to help him (and you!). Not just some tablets and off you go but someone that he can spill and vent to. Someone who is not so close to him. 
There are many charitable organisations across Europe (I dont know where in the grand scheme of Europe you are but Im there as well) Many of these charities can be apprached by you initally to help you to help him. You cannot fight this on your own. They can advise of proven ways of getting him to seek or accept support, not help but support.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

Pault said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Im about to spill it a little here. I recently became disabled. I see and empathise with your husbands feeling. Its a case of "been there and done it".
> 
> ...


I do understand all of that, but i think that that event with the thugs just triggered his depression. It goes much deeper than "failing" to protect us. He would always try to make me laugh, but not anymore. He is just silent. And he keeps giving me hate replies, not towards me but towards himself. In almost every conversation you can see that he keeps picturing himself as worthless, and no meaning.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sneza said:


> Yes we have big bathtub. That helps?


Depression is a mental state, but there is also physical component. His rolling in the forest was an attempt to get physical relief. You tried to have sex and he refused. Keep trying to stimulate. Soaking in a hot bath together can be very relaxing.

If you can keep him active, that will help. Have you told him about how he hurt that mugger with the cane? You can tell him you were proud of him. He fought. We cannot vanquish every enemy in every battle. He is no coward.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Depression is a mental state, but there is also physical component. His rolling in the forest was an attempt to get physical relief. You tried to have sex and he refused. Keep trying to stimulate. Soaking in a hot bath together can be very relaxing.
> 
> If you can keep him active, that will help. Have you told him about how he hurt that mugger with the cane? You can tell him you were proud of him. He fought. We cannot vanquish every enemy in every battle. He is no coward.


Yes i told him, he was glad. I really try hard to keep him active, i "force" him to take hikes, he likes to go to the pool, he actually swims almost as professionals do, and water never stops to impress him. In his blind world, water is completely other world for him. I will try the bath when he returns from his work.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Sneza said:


> I do understand all of that, but i think that that event with the thugs just triggered his depression. It goes much deeper than "failing" to protect us. He would always try to make me laugh, but not anymore. He is just silent. And he keeps giving me hate replies, not towards me but towards himself. In almost every conversation you can see that he keeps picturing himself as worthless, and no meaning.


PTSS will cause this. Its a bi product of the issue. Add to this issue of sleep and confidence issues he will feel very low. Abled bodied people suffer in the same way.

The hate replies and him venting is his frustration on not being to deal with the issues you both encountered. Its hard for anyone who has not experienced such things to comprehend what is actually happening in ones head. This is not a critisism of you or anyone else. Its just the way it is. 

The suggestions about sharing closeness is good. Undertaking physical activities is also go as it provides the brain with al those feel good endorphines. So hard walking, swimming is great.

Small supportive noises is also needed - these wont then be seen as forced encouragement. Also consider spending 2/3 days away from the area if you can. Visit a concert which will allow him to experience a differing environment. It may also allow you to have relaxation as well. Then if you are away from the area note is mood. There is a strong chance that youll see some of old H there. 
With depression its not about feeling down, thats sadness. Its about the full state of mind. Being blind he relies on many of his memory patterns to do things. Sound, smells (I need tell you this as you know it). Some distraction from what is his normal environment is excellent and provides new sensory engagement plus the small cuddles, had holding, head on shoulders moments speak many more words that a conversation can.

If he wants to vent how he feels about the incident, let him. The more his mind hammers at the issue the less he will feel the anxious reactions. 

Just keep on doing all the nice things together. Its not an over night fix but it can and will improve.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

Pault said:


> PTSS will cause this. Its a bi product of the issue. Add to this issue of sleep and confidence issues he will feel very low. Abled bodied people suffer in the same way.
> 
> The hate replies and him venting is his frustration on not being to deal with the issues you both encountered. Its hard for anyone who has not experienced such things to comprehend what is actually happening in ones head. This is not a critisism of you or anyone else. Its just the way it is.
> 
> ...


He made me hurt today, he never does that. I finally found out what is really going on with him. Around the timing of the incident he heard my mom talking to my dad how she is pitting me for being with blind man, me having no time for anything, and how i earn more money than my husband which is by the way kinda wrong thing in my country. When he was at the balcony and at floor bellow, he heard my "good" neighbors talking about us, telling that only reason i married a blind man is because my husband is too cute, they even added who would want a blind man anyway, then they mentioned that seeing husband could do actually something against thugs. 
He asked me would i marry him if he was fat and ugly, i tried to get out from that situation by asking him would he marry me if i was fat and ugly, he replied, "I am blind, i would marry anything.". Before i found out all of this, i asked him for sex, he asked me "Am i your sex toy? Is this why you tolerate my blindness?" He was never rude before to me, so i "forced" him to tell me what's going on, and that is when he told me all of this.
Don't know what to do anymore, not even know how to approach him anymore.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sneza, you are describing a man filled with self loathing that was triggered by the recent events. Because he hates himself, he cannot believe you truly love him. Sadly, this means he is placing you in a lose-lose situation. 

If you say that you love him for the person he is on the inside, he will say "yes, but you hate my (blind) body." If you say that you love his (cute) body, he will claim that "yes, but you don't love the man inside and will leave me when I grow old and lose my cuteness." Finally, if you say you love him both inside and out, he simply refuses to believe you because he's so convinced he is unlovable. Professional guidance therefore is sorely needed.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Sneza, you are describing a man filled with self loathing that was triggered by the recent events. Because he hates himself, he cannot believe you truly love him. Sadly, this means he is placing you in a lose-lose situation.
> 
> If you say that you love him for the person he is on the inside, he will say "yes, but you hate my (blind) body." If you say that you love his (cute) body, he will claim that "yes, but you don't love the man inside and will leave me when I grow old and lose my cuteness." Finally, if you say you love him both inside and out, he simply refuses to believe you because he's so convinced he is unlovable. Professional guidance therefore is sorely needed.


Exactly. I feel so empty after finding out thoughts in his head. He became so insecure in my feelings for him, whatever i try to do for him, he thinks it is pity. For example today, bunch of my friends asked me out, i said, "Great, just a second, to ask my husband to go with us." Then friend of mine replied silently "We are going to the movies." Then i didn't want to go, i told them that i will stay with him, he saw that as pity... He told me to go. He heard me how happy i am that we were invited, and then at sudden i changed my decision to stay with him. Things were not so complicated before... He is suffering.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

That's hard Sneza - he has really shut down. I had an idea. I don't know if it will do any good. Perhaps you could write him a letter and read it out to him. Something like this:
_Dear Husband
I must ask you to sit and listen to these words. I wrote them down down because I am so desperately sad at what has happened to us. 
You are my world. I cannot imagine it without you being in it. I fell deeply in love with you and when you asked me to marry you I was the happiest girl in the world. I love you even more than ever now.
Stupid people saying stupid things. People always talk and gossip about other people. All that was so painful for you to hear. What do they know about you and me. How dare they speak of you and me like that. And my family? YOU are my family and will always be.
I wish you told me they said those things so that I could have told you all this then. I would tell you if someone said cruel things about me because you are my husband and I always know I can come to you if I am hurting. 
But now I come to the most important thing I have to say. 
I desperately need your help. I need your hugs. I need your love. You cannot imagine how much I miss how we were together. I am suffering terribly and you are the only person in the world who can make me feel better. 
Please Husband come back to me. I don't know another way to say it_

Something like that Sneza, in your own words of course and how you would say it.
Basically I think you need to turn the tables and ask HIM to help YOU.
Because you really do need his help. You need him back and you must ask him for that. It might make him see things in a different light.
86857


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

86857 said:


> That's hard Sneza - he has really shut down. I had an idea. I don't know if it will do any good. Perhaps you could write him a letter and read it out to him. Something like this:
> _Dear Husband
> I must ask you to sit and listen to these words. I wrote them down down because I am so desperately sad at what has happened to us.
> You are my world. I cannot imagine it without you being in it. I fell deeply in love with you and when you asked me to marry you I was the happiest girl in the world. I love you even more than ever now.
> ...


This is great idea, thank you. Offensive is best defensive, haha. Let's make him responsible.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Sneza I think that 86857 suggesting is great idea.

I suspect you H has access to a computer and may have text to voice translation softeware on it?

If it has type up the "letter". be as open and frank aas you show here. Tell him about the hurtful things hes heard and felt and also tell him these hurt you as well. Then you can honestly tell him why you want to be there. The opening post you placed talks about his way of seeing you through touch, tell him what you told us. For him seeing you is a special sensation, for you being seen is just as fantastic.

Leave the "letter" on his computer and tell him its there,just read it. And then leave him to read it on his own".

Then once hes had some time to digest it, re-enfore those feels to him. Talk about a way forward for both of you. Tell him you dont want to leave him while hes hrting because I suspect if a role reversal he wouldnt leave you. He cannot argue much with that.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are you Sneza?
Did you try the letter?


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

86857 said:


> How are you Sneza?
> Did you try the letter?


I am fine, thank you for asking. I didn't use latter, but i did tell him all of that in person when we were in bed, when i finished with all what i had to say to him, he just hugged me, told me that i am his lighthouse, and didn't let me leave his hug until he didn't fall to sleep.
Interesting thing is, he got addicted at me when we sleep, he cant sleep if i am not under his embrace, so many times, when he falls to sleep, i put a pillow in his hands instead of me, or otherwise he wakes up.
I think he is recovering slowly. But i noticed new problem that bothers me. After he heard all those gossips how he is inferior to me, he is almost ashamed to go out with me and hang out with my friends or family. So he is giving all kinds of excuses not to go out with me, he accepts only those hangouts in which only two of us go. I am not sure yet, but i think that is the reason. I asked him, and he continues with his excuses.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Sneza, Great to see you witness some improvement in your H. The effect seems to have improved your welbeing a little as well. Small steps in the right direct.

The issue of the local butt heads gossiping. 
His confidence has taken an almighty hit recently and even little bumps with hurt.
yet again contiued support and showing unity will do you both well. Sadly idiots like this are world wide. They see the disbalility and make judgements that their brains cannot correctly evaluate. Then their mouths open and out come the most useless load of cr*p God invented. 
They see a woman with a man wity no sight. In reading your posts I see a loving couple both of whom have incredable abilities. Strange isnt it. Sitting here I cannot see you, your husband or any of the guys who drop by in this forum....does that mean Im blind? 
Dont be afraid to allow yourselves to be in the company of peple who "see" you both for what you are. That is true sight.
By allowing clowns like these gossips to bully you and force you in to seclusion their ignorance wins. And they are really NOT winners at all.

(heck Im sounding like a preacher here) Just smile at them and think "Dim wits".


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sneza said:


> I am fine, thank you for asking. I didn't use latter, but i did tell him all of that in person when we were in bed, when i finished with all what i had to say to him, he just hugged me, told me that i am his lighthouse, and didn't let me leave his hug until he didn't fall to sleep.


Oh Sneza. That is so wonderful. I almost cried when I read it. He is _slowly_ coming back to you. But now you are getting impatient. I understand. .


> I think he is recovering _slowly_. But i noticed new problem that bothers me. After he heard all those gossips how he is inferior to me, he is almost ashamed to go out with me and hang out with my friends or family. So he is giving all kinds of excuses not to go out with me, he accepts only those hangouts in which only two of us go. I am not sure yet, but i think that is the reason. I asked him, and he continues with his excuses.


I said he is _slowly_ coming back and you said he is _slowly_ recovering. 
The magic word now is _slowly_ and you MUST be very patient.
I am not surprised that he does not want to go out with friends etc. I think there are 2 reasons:
!. He has had a terrible shock, he is still traumatised and it has caused a depression. Then he heard people saying those awful things. It is not surprising that he does not want to go out with friends for a while. Just think at least he IS going out just with you. Because with you he feels safe.
Do not ask him why he does not want to go out. Just ask him ONCE if he would like to go out with your friends. If he makes an excuse just say OK. Then go out yourself if that is something you would normally do before the incident. If you don't he will think you feel sorry for him. But sometimes do NOT go out and say you don't feel like going because it's not the same when he is not there and you would rather stay home. If he argues just laugh and say maybe you will go next time but you really don't feel like going out tonight. Then change the subject and act bright and happy, perhaps say you are hungry and you will make a snack. This is so that there is no a long conversation about why he won't go out.
The main thing is to try and not put pressure on him as this will make him feel tense. Try to go along with what he wants to do for now. It WILL get better but he needs time.

2. He may also now feel nervous to go out in public because of what happened and the danger in the streets. It will take some time for him to get his courage back.
Do NOT say that to him or again it will make him appear weak. He is not weak of course, everyone who has been beaten up is nervous for a while and those who are not blind feel just the same.

Also one day he may seem very good and the next day he may seem sad again. Again do not pressure him about it. Also allow him his time alone if he seems to want it, like going out with his dog as you described.

Above all especially when he hugs you as you go to sleep tell him how wonderful it is that he is feeling a little better. Tell him you felt very ALONE and frightened. This will make him feel needed. When you told him how much you needed him in your conversation it really helped him. So you must continue to let him know that, not all the time but just now and then like when you are going to sleep.

I know how hard all this is for you. And it will be hard to be patient. Just think that you WILL get him back again but it will probably be slow and at his own pace. If you try to rush things or push him to go out etc it may make him withdraw into his shell again.

You are doing really well with this difficult situation Sneza. 
Please remember that these are just my opinions on it and the above is what I would do if I was in your position.
86857.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It sounds as if you are on your way to recovery. Just keep on.


----------



## Sneza (Oct 4, 2013)

********** said:


> Oh Sneza. That is so wonderful. I almost cried when I read it. He is _slowly_ coming back to you. But now you are getting impatient. I understand. .
> 
> I said he is _slowly_ coming back and you said he is _slowly_ recovering.
> The magic word now is _slowly_ and you MUST be very patient.
> ...


Thanks. You are right, i must be careful not to hurt his vanity. I am obedient to his wishes, of course, he is not exploiting that.He is starting again to hang out with his few best friends that he knows his entire life, but he doesn't like to be seen by my friends or family, because he thinks they make judge of him, because he heard those gossips that some of them made about him. He used to like them, because they were nice to him, he thought they respect him, but then he heard those few mean gossips. Its not that they hate him, but People do make gossips. 
I hope old him returns. You are right, i am impatient, He is just too cute to be tolerated being away from me. Haha!


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sneza said:


> . . . He is starting again to hang out with his few best friends that he knows his entire life'


Great.:smthumbup:


> but he doesn't like to be seen by my friends or family, because he thinks they make judge of him, because he heard those gossips. . . Its not that they hate him, but People do make gossips.


It was very painful, any of us would feel the same. He won't want to see them for now.


> I hope old him returns. You are right, i am impatient, He is just too cute to be tolerated being away from me. Haha!


Old him will return Sneza, just might take longer than you like. . You sound much happier than when you started this thread. And you have done SO well. And you are making jokes! Take it nice and slow and you will have your cute guy back soon.


----------



## Abra-Brie (Oct 20, 2013)

Hi Senza,

I worry about several things you've said that your husband was doing such as going off alone in the woods and some of the things seem almost suicidal. I'm happy that he's better but I don't believe that the issue is over with. I do believe that he does feel he couldn't protect you, or himself from that mugging & attack. Since then, he has become depressed (Some of which may be PTOS from the attack) but he's taken it to a extreme extent - Depression is literally "Anger turned inward" and many things you say show he is angry at himself. He has lost confidence in himself and I'm not sure how much confidence he had eve before you met. You mention that girls left him because he was blind. It may not be "because he was blind" It may have been how he relates to being blind. I'm a disability advocate and know quite a few blind people and this isn't an issue with them. in other words, being inseure in oneself, or angry, or suicidal or whatever isn't a "normal" thing for anyone to feel, including a person with a disability. You can be a happy person and have a disability.

He is not acting the way a happy healthy person would act. This not only hurts him but it is affecting you as well and making you unhappy. 

I think this is too complex to solve on the internet and that you both need a safe place to work on this. I'm suggesting that you find a councelor or therapist in your area that works with people who have vision disabilities. The issue with the mugging/attack needs to really be discussed. Unless your husband was Bruce Lee -karate expert or Superman, he couldn't have fought off those men. 

Now he's worried about going out with you publically. I'm not sure it's only because of the gossip. If he doesn't go out with you publically, he won't have to be in the position where he feels he needs to "save" you when he can't. He probably subconsciously is avoiding that ever happening to you both again - lets face it. 

As for the neighbors, I'd keep my business to myself so they less to gossip about. Talk to your parents so they don't say things about him like that again. Let your mom know this was your choice and that you are fine. Just because your husband is blind doesn't mean you will always make more, it also has to do with other things like education level. Had you married someone without a disability, they may have still made less than you who knows? People need to be educated out of the dark ages when it comes to disabilities still, unfortunately. 

I believe things will get better much faster if you both go to couples therapy. I'm a big believer in talking things out and that creates a different place (not home) to do it in that is safe. That way, no one associates "being home" with difficult discussions. It also helps to have someone else's opinion and thoughts on what is going on. You get to say how you feel and he gets to say how he feels. If he clams up, that says something too. 

You can't fix this alone. He needs to be willing to work with you on this, not push you away. I suggest bringing it up that this is you and he working together, it's not him alone in the world any more. See what his response is. Follow through and make the appointment and if he refuses to go, you go. You'll still be given ways to work with him and also have some time to vent for yourself.

I think you both love one another and wish you both the best. 

Abra











PS - Verpin Ral - It's difficult to know what goes on in ANYONE'S mind - unless you think of people with disabilities as "thinking differently than "normal" people. If so, that's not good, people with disabilities are the same as everyone else.


----------

