# What should I do now?!!!! :(



## IWBI1968 (Nov 1, 2012)

I posted this on general discussion on Saturday - was advised to move it here. 

So about 2 months ago my husband got a DUI - he told me he was out with a friend (guy) and that he felt fine and only had 3 blocks to go so drove to his friends house where he intended to spend the night (I always insist that he NOT drive if he drinks) anyway he got pulled over in the friends driveway and was given a DUI. He went to jail for the night. I am disappointed, angry, ashamed and embarrassed. 

A few days go by and we go to meet with a lawyer - the lawyer asked if his friend/passenger would be willing to testify at which point he said that 'they" would. THEY? Who's they? He neglected to tell me that there was also a girl in the car.....he told the lawyer she was an old friend of his friend. He never mentioned a woman being with them.

I got suspicious just because of the omission. So yes, I checked his phone a few days later and saw a message to her, telling her about a job. I also noticed he 'friended' her on FB. I noticed that she was the same age as him and they went to school together (the guy he was with is 7 years older and did not go to school with either of them) so by now I am thinking she was probably not an old friend of the guy he was with but an old friend of his! 

My husband has to go to Chicago in about a month, his license will be suspended during that time. He initially asked me to go with him and be his chauffer during the 3 days he would be there. I told him I would have to drop him off because we have 2 small kids in school and that he would have to grab a cab to get around or ride with a classmate. But we have some time to think about it. A couple weeks ago he told me not to worry about it and that he would find someone to ride with that was going to the same class.

He has been very weird with his phone, keeping it on silent or keeping it on him - he used to have the type of ring that would announce the caller and he would leave it on the counter over night -not any more.

I went into his fb and saw a message to her asking her to let him know when she would like to take a look at the cabin (we have a remote cabin on 40 acres that we rent each year) and then also another telling her he was going to Chicago and if she could 'pencil him in' she replied 'LOL, ill see what I can do'....

I haven't seen anything else for a couple of weeks. A couple of days ago I counted his condoms (we use them during my fertile days) there were 8. We have had sex twice but did not need to use any. Tonight he went out to meet up with his brother, after he left I went upstairs - there are only 4 !! Oh and he told me he was probably going to stay at his brothers since he now has a zero tolerance rule for drinking/driving (NOW HE DECIDES TO LISTEN TO ME) 

I am not a confrontational person at all, unfortunately I tend to just go with the flow, what do I do now? We have 2 children that ADORE him, they run to greet him every evening. We have had some issues in the past, he claims I don't give him enough sex - we are in our 40's and have been married over 10 years - up until 2 years ago we averaged 3-4 times per week and now it has gone down some to 2-3 times per week. I suggested counseling last year but he declined initially and then was very patronizing saying that maybe we should do it that it would be fun and he laughed.....

I guess for me it is scary to think that I could quite possibly spend the rest of my life alone .....the dating pool for women my age where I live is non-existent and quite frankly the idea repulses me at this point. So what now?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Look up the 180 and DO it. You need to banish the mindset that you MUST be with him. You do not NEED anyone - you would be perfectly fine as a single mom. I was. Start learning how to dissociate from him. Even if you do end up staying together, you will need to do this - everyone should, otherwise how can you be with someone by choice? Right now you aren't with him by choice.

Start snooping. Keylogger etc. Do not confront until you know everything you possibly can. Otherwise he will just deny deny deny.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

If you post the make/model of your husband's phone someone may be able to help you recover deleted messages and/or get all new messages.

You need to consider the notion that it is not safe to have sex with your husband right now if he is sleeping with someone else, whether he is using protection with the other woman or not. That will conflict with the idea of snooping, as going from 2-3x per week to 0x per week will be pretty noticeable but it is for your safety.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Check online, check all the local newspapers. Has there been a rash of condom burglars in your area? That could be the simplest explanation.

In all seriousness, you have your answers. Condoms don't magically disappear. As advised here do the 180. 

Cutting off all contact - phone, FB and otherwise - with the girl is a must. Is he married? Don't be afraid to call her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

He is cheating.

If you want, get more evidence although if he is careful this may prove a fruitless search.

The point is, he is cheating. He knows it and you know it.

He doesn't know that you know.

However much evidence you have, he will deny it all anyway.

As others have rightly said, do the 180 but all of this is for naught whilst he is still cheating so your first priority is to stop his betrayal.

I believe that confronting the other party can often have the desired effect, but again that is up to you.

Be firm. He will lie, then lie again then lie about the lies. He will make you out to be controlling, jealous: irrational.

He will be a victim and oh look you are awful how could you not trust him?

Be strong; be firm. Read some threads on here as to how the cheater reacts. It is usually the same script.

The ball is in your court now.


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## IWBI1968 (Nov 1, 2012)

He is  When he went out on Sat night he called me at 11 to say that he was getting some gas and couldn't decide if he was going to go back or just head home - I told him to let me know what he decides. I fell asleep and woke up to a text at 12:58am that said "closem down - on my way" he was home about a half hour later but stayed down stairs a while and then I fell back to sleep. 

There was a picture on his fb wall the next day so I decided to ask who was he with at the bar and he named several people (not the particular woman I had been concerned about). I decided to leave it alone and bide my time some more.

Yesterday my sister in law posted a picture on fb of her husband on stage and low and behold in the crowd who do I see - so I called my sister in law and asked her if she knew the womans name and yes it was the OW (other woman?) So then I asked my sister in law what time my husband left that night and she and her husband (his brother) said about 11. 

So I texted my husband and asked him where he went after he left the bar - he named another bar (didn't tell me this) then he called me and asked me why I had so many questions all of a sudden and had I seen a picture on fb or something (um yeah because the minute I got off the phone with my sister in law - his brother called to tell him) So anyway I asked him why he never told me the same woman that he got the DUI with was at the bar too - he proceeded to tell me that I had nothing to worry about that he wouldn't risk losing his family over someone like her and that she was not attractive, has a bunch of kids and looks pregnant. He was in a very chatty mood and all upbeat. 

I dropped the subject (for now) this morning when he was in the shower I checked his elusive phone which he must have forgotten - there was nothing in his inbox but in sent messages there was a message to a friend of his that he sent yesterday saying that he needed an alibi for Sat night and for him to say that he went to the show and then went over to the same bar with my husband and that my husband gave him a ride home ..................I guess what hurts the most is the bold face lying right to my face. I feel sick to my stomach. So whether its her or not he was obviously with someone (and it doesn't really matter at this point) I'm gutted - if you don't have trust you have nothing........11 years.......what a waste! 
I am going to continue to gather information and am writing things down so that when the time comes to confront him I will have a timeline so that he can't talk circles around me. In the mean time I will just do my best to keep the status quo as is but I am crushed inside. I'll look up 180 too as I will need to be strong in the next few weeks


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, and remember the 180 is for you. NOT to win him back. The 180 is never for naught because no matter what it will help YOU.

We've been where you are and we know how much this hurts. The man you married is not the man you see before you today. That man doesn't exist any more, and he has destroyed your marriage. Remember that - HE has done this. Not you. No matter what he says, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is his, 100%.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

On FB chat if you type in her name in the chat box you may recover previous chats. IF you do this make sure you save them, copy and paste.

Sometimes on phones the messages are recoverable. I am no expert but several here on TAM are. Try to learn to do this so that the next time you have access to his phone, you can look to see what is there.

Phone records - if you have access to his phone records it will show the number of calls and texts he made.

Some phones records will show the location of the where the call was made, that is one way I got proof as to where my wife was, and it was not at Walmart as she told me.

Put a keylogger on the computer if he uses it. This is how I caught my wife in 1999.

VAR in his car. Worked for me in Feb. 2013. Cheaters love to talk in their cars. Weightlifter has information on this.

Try not to show your hand. You are going to need to act like nothing is going on and let him put his guard down.

If you can afford it a PI might be an option, since your husband is out and about.

1. GET TESTED FOR STD's.
2. Talk to an attorney and keep quite about it.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I am not usually for full on detective mode, but for you..YES! You need confirmation and proof.



Do not let fear rule your decision.

IWB, you must feel like you are standing on the edge of a precipice. I get it. It is really scary, esp as you have two children who love their father. But, you need information (hopefully not too graphic) to move forward. Believe me, when you have some proof it is much easier to make decisions and not second guess them.

Stay centered in yourself, do not put your head in the sand. What helps you remain calm? Use it. Get out an exercise, walk in nature, do whatever activity helps you cope. Do not use drugs or alcohol for this. You need to remain emotionally focused and calm as much as possible. There will be a time for venting in real life, but it is not now. Come here instead. Start protecting yourself and make copies of all the financial records. Open up a separate account.

Are you working or a SAHP?

All the best. *hugs*


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ill post my standard evidence post when i get home.

Please state his phone model and carrier.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm so sorry you are here.
i'd stop asking him questions and pretend as if everything is ok while gathering evidence.

there is a lot of support for you here, so plz ask for what you need. if you were a man, this thread would be 6 pages of support by now but that doesn't mean you can't glean from advice given to others in other threads.

once again, i'm sorry you are here and for what you're about to discover. it will probably be extremely painful.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, try to gather evidence. Feign illness if you have to in order to explain your behavior (he is already on alert re your questions).

Weightlifter will come in with specific instructions on a VAR. This usually gives you the quickest, most incontrovertible proof.

I'm so sorry. Really sorry.

If you feel you can't wait to confront, come back here so people can advise.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Missing condoms, didn't tell you the woman was his old friend, told you not to worry about Chicago and you found a conversation that proves they intend to meet up AND you have confirmation on his phone that he lied about where he was Saturday night...yeah if I were you I would be beating someone's @ss about now. You have proof that your husband is screwing around on you. The longer you wait it's just giving your husband more time to keep messing around on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I agree with the others, it's time to be super stealth while incorporating the 180. Also, JMO, at your age and considering you have 2 kids, I think sex 2-3 times a week is plenty!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Standard post below. Sorry fell asleep very shortly after getting home from work.

Most important part is to play captain clueless and play dumb hubby.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything she has said into the phone is right here.
I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to.

Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS.

Edit: It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

So...what do you need to know before you confront him? 


- You already know he is spending time with another woman that he refuses to tell you about.
- You know he knew her in high school (old flame no doubt).
- You know he made plans to "show her" the cabin. 
- You know he made plans to meet her in Chicago. 
- You know he has removed 4 condoms from the box that he didn't use with you (odds are he used some or all of them already).

Do you know if she is married? Find out. Tell her husband what you know.

Remember that your husband could now have an STD and act accordingly.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Look up the 180 and DO it. You need to banish the mindset that you MUST be with him. You do not NEED anyone - you would be perfectly fine as a single mom. I was. Start learning how to dissociate from him. Even if you do end up staying together, you will need to do this - everyone should, otherwise how can you be with someone by choice? Right now you aren't with him by choice.
> 
> Start snooping. Keylogger etc. Do not confront until you know everything you possibly can. Otherwise he will just deny deny deny.


:smthumbup:
Listen to this advice and ABSOLUTELY gather evidence, play happy, and PAY ATTENTION to every detail. I am so sorry you are here.


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## IWBI1968 (Nov 1, 2012)

OK so I read 180 and I'm trying really hard to act normal while I gather tangible info - I did pull our phone records which show 35 either calls/texts to/from in the past 35 days...however there is also another number that cropped up that I do not recognize that has been consistent since the start of the year - so I am going to try to figure out who that is (cel # so no white pages). my biggest problem at the moment is finding places to cry so that no one knows. I can only hold it together for so long at a time. I went to a volunteer meeting yesterday, decided to get back into the volunteer work that I have somewhat neglected since having our 2 year old ...I'm glad I went but I got the 3rd degree about it - which I thought was odd......so Weightlifter left advice re VAR - which i'll look into - I think putting in the car is a bit redundant right now since he cant drive for at least the next 30 days - so thinking about putting 1 here in the house and going to try to find one that is very small that I could put in the luggage for the Chicago trip .......this feels very surreal and clandestine and I don't like it........I feel guilty! WOW! Someone asked about work, I'm self employed and work from a home office, money is fine - I would be able to manage though with a few adjustments plus I am here for the children, the baby during the day and the older one when he gets off the bus - I don't want that to change! It's not their fault! I know I'm rambling, we'll get it figured out just feel like I'm going a bit crazy at the moment :scratchhead: Thanks for all your input, ideas and support


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is awful for you. I'm sorry.

He is a liar and because of that, he is forcing you to behavior that you are not comfortable with. This is understandable and won't last long, I'm sure. The VAR is sadly very quick and effective.

As for your mood and tears, spin a sad story to him to explain your upset - a sick friend, etc. He wants to believe that you are clueless and will probably be relieved to have an explanation that doesn't indicate that you are suspicious of him.

Again, sorry. The 180 will really help. Very seriously so.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

you're doing a great job.
i know it's hard but hang in there.


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## IWBI1968 (Nov 1, 2012)

Well I failed. I couldn't take this brick in my stomach any more. This past Monday, whilst trying to act normal, I just broke down crying - my husband asked if I was OK and I said NO! I said "where did you go after the show?" and he lied right to my face..... he denied everything - kept hugging me saying everything was going to be alright and that he loved me and our family, and that he would never do anything. That I couldn't get rid of him even if I tried. Meanwhile I'm just crying and just asking over and over - "tell me the truth!" ......he never did and I cried myself to sleep. Yesterday morning, before work, he wouldn't speak to me. He sent me a text later asking what I had planned to so about us, that things will never be the same between us because, I think he cheated and that he needs to make a plan based on my decision. I replied with 'I want the truth" - he replied with "U have the truth, I didn't have sex with anyone" so I sent him copies of his own text message asking his friend for a alibi, also a copy of the text from another person that he claimed he was with which also indicated that he was not with or where my husband said he was. The last text I got said "OK then, what's your plan?" to which I replied I want to know where you went and who you were with!" - he never replied. He came home last night, wouldn't speak to me -played with the kids a little, did some pottering around the house, took a shower, brushed his teeth, did some bills and then got on his bike and left. As he was leaving I asked him where he was going and he said to post office (we have a mailbox at the end of our drive) he was gone about half an hour. When he got home he still refused to speak to me or look at me and after the kids had gone to bed I asked him if he was going to speak to me - to which he replied "I don't think so" and went upstairs to bed. That's it. Nothing thus far today. It's like he is mad at ME! I can't help but feel this man that claims that I am his life would be begging for us to work it out, to go to counseling, to do whatever it takes to work it out.................the weird thing is I almost feel like if I had the damned truth it would be a place for me to start from............but with out it I can't. Does he just want me to pull the plug like I'm the bad guy ? I just don't understand. I feel sick. Is the truth worse that what I know and worse than my suspicions? Aren't I worth the truth after all these years? (Our 11 year wedding anniv is coming up in 2 weeks) What about our children? All these things are going thru my head and I'm trying to do the 180 and go on as normal and do my thing but the truth for me is that I am crushed inside. I feel like our marriage has to end if he won't be honest with me. I'm so incredibly sad.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Take the kids and move out. Send his texts to everyone. File for D. ASAP. 

He is remorseless. It's not a marriage anymore. It's war. Be the worst you can be because he'll do the same.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you have to go, based on his lack of reactions, with the assumption that yes he did cheat on you and that your accusations are correct. Now you need to decide what that means to you. You will likely never get closure from him, at least not full and complete disclosure. If you try waiting for that, you'll be stuck in limbo forever. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

PBear said:


> I think you have to go, based on his lack of reactions, with the assumption that yes he did cheat on you and that your accusations are correct. Now you need to decide what that means to you. You will likely never get closure from him, at least not full and complete disclosure. If you try waiting for that, you'll be stuck in limbo forever.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Don't waste any more time or energy wondering about or trying to get "the truth." Assume the worst and plan your actions as if this assumption were fact.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He cheated on you. That is why he doesn't want to talk to you. He doesn't want to face you. He is a coward. Actions not words. Your mans actions scream cheater. 

See a divorce lawyer...your man is not sorry. He is just sorry he got busted.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

It's time to begin the process of divorcing this man.

While weightlifter gives meaningful and well researched advice, you don't need any of it.

You know he's cheating on you. You don't need any other proof. His behavior when confronted proves not only that he's cheating on you, but that he's not worthy of your marital commitment.

Get a lawyer. Get your affairs in order. He's going to make this ugly. Get on top of the story with your friends. He will try and turn them against you.

He may have already begun to take some actions to undermine you.

I wish you the best and am sorry you are in this position, but make your move now.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

The reason he is mad at you is that you caught him in his lie and let him know to his face that you know he is a liar. He has no way out of it. The best avenue for you is to see an attorney as soon as possible and go ahead and file. If that does not get his full attention keep the process going.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Take the kids and move out. Send his texts to everyone. File for D. ASAP.
> 
> He is remorseless. It's not a marriage anymore. It's war. Be the worst you can be because he'll do the same.


No and no. In any case, do not leave the house. He is the one who is cheating and you need to handle him divorce papers and kick him out.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

And...consider the effects of your actions in light of the laws where you live. Your actions may have consequences under the law.

Speak with a lawyer now. Understand your rights and responsibilities during this emotional time.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

See a lawyer. File for divorce. Have him served with papers and a note saying "Tell the truth and we can talk, otherwise sign"


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

There is nothing a cheater hates more than getting caught. 

Don't worry, he knows his fun is over. Give him a taste of his own medicine and totally ignore him. It will drive him crazy. 

Treat him like the gross POS he us and watch his insecurities come out.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Do not move out of the house! In most states possession is half the battle on who gets to keep it. You also can't kick him out, legally. However you can tell your husband you intend on making it very uncomfortable for him if he stays. Most cheaters will leave without hesitation. If need be you can get temporary possession of the house. Talk to a lawyer, today. 

Lawyer up ASAP. File. If you do reconconcile you can always stop the divorce at any time. Tell your family, tell his, hell post it on fb. Find the AP's spouse and tell them. Cheaterville.com is another place to post about his affair. 

He is now the enemy and you need to protect your assets. Personally he sounds like a drunk. It's unfortunate that he also is cheating on you. Alcoholism is treatable. Sorry your here.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Gonnabealright said:


> Do not move out of the house! In most states possession is half the battle on who gets to keep it. You also can't kick him out, legally. However you can tell your husband you intend on making it very uncomfortable for him if he stays. Most cheaters will leave without hesitation. Lawyer up ASAP. File. If you do reconconcile you can always stop the divorce at any time. Tell your family, tell his, hell post it on fb. Find the AP's spouse and tell them. Cheaterville.com is another place to post about his affair.
> He is now the enemy and you need to protect your assets. Personally he sounds like a drunk. It's unfortunate that he also is cheating on you. Alcoholism is treatable. Sorry your hear.


Possession is not half the battle in most states. Title is 100% the battle. Who's on the deed OR was the home purchased during the course of the marriage. Those are the questions. Moving out does not relinquish your rights to the property in a division of assets situation. Each state is different in regards to the details, but simply moving out, while a bad idea in this situation, would not have an impact on your rights to your home.

That said, I don't believe OP is an American. My guess is she's Canadian or from the UK.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

His silence speaks volumes. Why do you need him to confess? 

You know what to do. X


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Before you do ANYthing, see a lawyer.

What happened to doing the 180?? You need it now more than ever. Show him that you do NOT need him and the you're perfectly fine with him ignoring you. It'll drive him batty.

I also agree that you can be sure now he cheated. He got caught and he's hoping you're just going to quit bringing it up. He's in lala land - some call it The Fog. Nothing he does right now is based on his history with you, it's all based on the trouble his trouser snake got him into and the fact he wants to keep indulging himself.

You need to also see a dr and get STD tested.

And you don't need to decide today what you want to do. You've been dealt a crippling blow - take some time to recover. The 180 is also great to help you with that.

The reality is, though, that you have a remorseless cheater on your hands. The chances of him coming around are very small, and they diminish along with your willingness to end the marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

IWBI,

Your husband is gaslighting you.

You need to shut him down.

Is OW married? Can you contact her boyfriend or husband?

File for divorce. You need to be tough as nails.

It is certainly no good reconciling if he will go on an repeat the same shxt down the road.


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