# Ten years since ONS tomorrow, I'm hurting badly!



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I can't believe I'm not dead yet. Extreme anxiety for over two years now since DDay. The pain just isn't getting better for me. How much can a body take? If I haven't died from heartbreak by now... The doubts are worse, the paranoia worse, the feelings of loneliness worse... Crazy nightmares still every night about various things - car wrecks, airplane crashes?!? I do not know him. How can you be with a person for so long and not know them?!? 

I've lost too much weight, gained back too much weight, cried everyday for two years straight, have gone gray and aged in my face. 

I feel like I'm just stuck. He cheated ten years ago tomorrow. He claims his one and only time, but I know better. I was denied reality all those years. I found out two years ago and have had trickle truth ever since. It's like I lost all my memories, they were all fake. I'm trying so hard to separate the memories of our kids growing up apart from my twisted views now of our fake family... 

Then there's the future, it seemed so solid and secure before. Now it seems so uncertain. I did finally find a job after a year and a half of trying. Nobody wanted a middle aged stay at home mom. Pay is not enough to make it on my own and since he lost his job and had to start over himself... We're still in the hole. Kids are teens now, one is in a magnet school. I could move myself and them to my parents. Do I just hang on until they're done, though? Why should they suffer cause of their father's poor behavior? 

I just feel like a lost soul, wasted life. I think five years of our marriage he was fooling around on me. I suspect several different much, much younger girls - coworkers. He won't admit to any of my suspicions, I don't know what to believe anymore. He tried to hug me last night and it felt like a stranger hugging me, maybe even more so. I've been with him over twenty years! 

At this point I wonder... Who in this world was I really meant to be with? Surely, this was not supposed to be my life. There can't be anything as painful as this except for losing a child or having one go missing... I imagine they also go crazy wanting to have answers, but they have the added pain of not knowing who to ask. The person that holds the answers for me is in my life. He just won't give them. 

What did we do to deserve this pain? The sad thing is, even if I divorce him I still won't have any answers. Am I doomed to spending the rest of my life wondering?


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> I can't believe I'm not dead yet. Extreme anxiety for over two years now since DDay. The pain just isn't getting better for me. How much can a body take? If I haven't died from heartbreak by now... The doubts are worse, the paranoia worse, the feelings of loneliness worse... Crazy nightmares still every night about various things - car wrecks, airplane crashes?!? I do not know him. How can you be with a person for so long and not know them?!?
> 
> I've lost too much weight, gained back too much weight, cried everyday for two years straight, have gone gray and aged in my face.
> 
> ...


More wise posters will give you better advice, but here's what I've experienced. 

You did NOTHING to deserve this. He was a selfish, ignorant prick just out for himself. 

Detach your self. Take off those rose tinted glasses, they were there for the man you married. He's gone, consider him dead and mourn him. 

I think once you pull away a bit, you'll start to feel something else: anger. Who the fcuk is he to do this to you? 

Once you feel that steel creep into your spine, its a lot like gravity. You'll change, grow stronger, harder. It's scary, but so are you. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I already do feel like the man I married is dead. That has been something recent. I have been mourning the death of him. I just have this stranger in my life now that looks like him. 

I guess this kinda goes back to the very first MC we saw that said the old marriage is dead. It's true. You just don't want to believe it... It's a very hard thing to accept after so many years. 

He worked for a company that had many men that notoriosly cheated within the company and encouraged this behavior with each other on business trips. Like it was one big party. The kick in the gut is he would tell me how awful they were when he was going along with it himself. They all covered for each other, he just got away with it the longest. We saw marriages and families destroyed. I thought I had the family man. He now says his new job could be a fresh start for us, but the damage is done. There is no way to trust again after something like this. 

I contacted the girl he admitted to, she wouldn't respond back. That told me plenty. I've thought about contacting the others I suspect just to try to get some closure. Any advice?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I contacted the girl he admitted to, she wouldn't respond back. That told me plenty. I've thought about contacting the others I suspect just to try to get some closure. Any advice?


I would not at this point. It won't be closure you would get, just more pain. I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. If you really are unable or unwilling to D, then I suggest you go 180 as much as possible, start working on yourself, exercise and eat right, spend time with friends, family, kids, hobbies, etc. 

Stop making HIM the focal point of YOUR life. Maybe even think about telling him that from now on you stay together only for financial reasons and as roommates, and that you will begin to try to date.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

barbados said:


> I would not at this point. It won't be closure you would get, just more pain. I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. If you really are unable or unwilling to D, then I suggest you go 180 as much as possible, start working on yourself, exercise and eat right, spend time with friends, family, kids, hobbies, etc.
> 
> Stop making HIM the focal point of YOUR life. Maybe even think about telling him that from now on you stay together only for financial reasons and as roommates, and that you will begin to try to date.


I have been giving thought to this. Telling him let's stay together until the kids are done with high school, that I might want to eventually date... I have made him the focus and it's slowly killing me. What are your thoughts on not trying to get confirmation from these other girls? That confirmation would be worse than just suspecting? Cause suspecting is like torture itself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Being purposely kept in the dark about the most important things in your life is truly maddening. You feel like you have no control. And slowly, gradually, the person who thinks it's not only OK to betray you, but that you don't have a right to the truth, becomes the stranger that you now are living with. Time takes care of the wound. Because he won't come clean and let you make decisions for yourself based on the truth, your wound is scrarred over rather than healing.

Experts will tell you that the path to improving your life is to take control of your future. You aren't joined at the hip with him. It is, after all, your life. Your children will survive. What they need is love from their parents & it is clear that you give them that.

I think you should leave him and reclaim your life. His behavior is at best disrespectful and he's not willing to change that.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Ten years since ONS tomorrow, I'm hurting badly!
> ________________________________________
> I can't believe I'm not dead yet. Extreme anxiety for over two years now since DDay. The pain just isn't getting better for me. How much can a body take? If I haven't died from heartbreak by now... The doubts are worse, the paranoia worse, the feelings of loneliness worse... Crazy nightmares still every night about various things - car wrecks, airplane crashes?!? I do not know him. How can you be with a person for so long and not know them?!?
> 
> I've lost too much weight, gained back too much weight, cried everyday for two years straight, have gone gray and aged in my face.



*From what you have described above you should move you and your children in with your parents IMMEDIATELY!! Cut ALL contact with your husband.*

It has been years and years and you seem to be getting worse. If what you said above is true then you have no choice; you have to take action now!

*In addition, you need to concentrate on you getting stronger. No excuses get help NOW and work ONLY on you.* It does no good to rehash the fact that your husband has hurt you real bad. What matters is that you need to take actions so that you can get better

You need to force all thoughts and feelings regarding your husband out of your mind and emotion. Your fear, low self esteem, and damaged emotions need immediate attention for you and your children’s sake. Your husband should be compete history to you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

If all this is, literally, slowly killing you, you need to take the kids and get out. If nothing else for your health and the kids.

Isn't it amazing how betrayers never see this and PhD types write that betrayals are positive for relationships?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You don't know if it will get any better if you leave---but it can't be any worse----if you are living in misery day after day---you need to take another route

Don't say you can't make it, on your own---cuz if (and perish this thot) your H, passed on---you would be out there on your own, and you would make it----so don't say you CAN'T make it

If life is not worth living as it is---you need to move on

Its all up to you---but you will make it, just like all the rest of us, somehow DO


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You did lose something very precious. Your marriage.

Follow Mr Blunt's advice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *From what you have described above you should move you and your children in with your parents IMMEDIATELY!! Cut ALL contact with your husband.*
> 
> It has been years and years and you seem to be getting worse. If what you said above is true then you have no choice; you have to take action now!
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

My parents live over an hour away. I'd have to put my kids in another school district and the thought rips my heart out. They have so much going on, my oldest worked so hard to get into the program she's in, they don't offer those classes where my parents live. It just seems so unfair. I feel like I'd be very selfish to pull them away at this age. WHY DIDN'T HE CONFESS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE?!? I could have moved on, they'd know no different... My new job pays $10 an hour with no health insurance. I wouldn't even be able to afford an apartment here. Sorry guys, I'm just sooo lost. Seriously a lost soul. My kids mean everything to me. I wish I could get myself together to make it until they're done with school. My biggest mistake was not leaving when I first found out. He made twice as much and my oldest wasn't in high school yet. I screwed up thinking this would work out. He's never gonna be honest with me. I can't believe I fell for his act. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You either get your butt up off the ground, and move on, and end this misery---or stay---and moan and groan about the crappy deal you have, which you do nothing about.

It is not gonna change, unless you change it

You get only one trip thru life on this planet----one trip only---it can be reasonably good, or it can be filled with misery---and guess what, another one of those precious days is gone

Stop with the excuses, and crap about your kids and the school district, and everything else----do what you need to do, get out from under---AND START LIVING A LIFE----or is it that in all honesty, you are just to scared to grow up, and be a responsible adult---if so, that is fine---just don't complain anymore about your miserable life---THAT IS NEVER GONNA CHANGE


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I have been giving thought to this. Telling him let's stay together until the kids are done with high school, that I might want to eventually date... I have made him the focus and it's slowly killing me. What are your thoughts on not trying to get confirmation from these other girls? That confirmation would be worse than just suspecting? Cause suspecting is like torture itself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts on further confrontation are like I said in my other post, which is it will only cause YOU more pain. You already know what you will hear if any of them even talk to you, so why put yourself through it. YOU HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH ! Stop the "pain shopping" and move forward with your life.

YOU CAN DO THIS !! 

Will it be easy ? HELL NO ! but will it be worth it ? HELL YES !!

Like you said, making him the focus is killing you. So make YOU the focus and LIVE !! again.....

YOU CAN DO THIS !!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> My parents live over an hour away. I'd have to put my kids in another school district and the thought rips my heart out. They have so much going on, my oldest worked so hard to get into the program she's in, they don't offer those classes where my parents live. It just seems so unfair. I feel like I'd be very selfish to pull them away at this age. WHY DIDN'T HE CONFESS WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE?!? I could have moved on, they'd know no different... My new job pays $10 an hour with no health insurance. I wouldn't even be able to afford an apartment here. Sorry guys, I'm just sooo lost. Seriously a lost soul. My kids mean everything to me. I wish I could get myself together to make it until they're done with school. My biggest mistake was not leaving when I first found out. He made twice as much and my oldest wasn't in high school yet. I screwed up thinking this would work out. He's never gonna be honest with me. I can't believe I fell for his act.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stay strong. YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Hurtingbadly,

Have you looked into individual counseling for yourself? It seems to me that your focus really needs to shift from contemplating what your husband has done and instead you need to focus on how to move forward in your life. I'm not even advising you leave your husband if that's not something you are comfortable with but you do need to stop letting his actions stop having so much influence over you.

You can't control him and you can't make him telll you the truth. You can stop feeling like a victim even if you choose to stay in the marriage. I completely understand why you don't want to uproot your kids and restart your life, but you need to detach from him enough that you don't feel this constant pain.

Best of luck to you - keeping you in my prayers.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

punkinhead said:


> Hurtingbadly,
> 
> Have you looked into individual counseling for yourself? It seems to me that your focus really needs to shift from contemplating what your husband has done and instead you need to focus on how to move forward in your life. I'm not even advising you leave your husband if that's not something you are comfortable with but you do need to stop letting his actions stop having so much influence over you.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. 
Today has been hard for me, we got into it and he packed his suitcase and left for his parents. So I'm guessing this is the start of separation three. I wish he could go elsewhere as his mom tends to like drama and this makes things worse. 
I have been to two different IC, my husband to one IC and we have tried two different MC. Got some really bad advise from the first ones that caused some damage, we liked our last MC, but when he lost his job we had to stop for now. She would see us separately sometimes and I really feel like I need to see her again soon. 
If this is it I need to make some drastic changes and soon. Like telling my new employeer I might be moving, letting the kids know the summer school activities need to close and seeing what I need to do with their classes. And packing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Thank you. *Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. *
> Today has been hard for me, we got into it and he packed his suitcase and left for his parents. So I'm guessing this is the start of separation three. I wish he could go elsewhere as his mom tends to like drama and this makes things worse.
> I have been to two different IC, my husband to one IC and we have tried two different MC. Got some really bad advise from the first ones that caused some damage, we liked our last MC, but when he lost his job we had to stop for now. She would see us separately sometimes and I really feel like I need to see her again soon.
> *If this is it I need to make some drastic changes and soon. Like telling my new employeer I might be moving, letting the kids know the summer school activities need to close and seeing what I need to do with their classes. And packing!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dear hurtingbadly,

Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand why you have to be the one that moves out and disrupts your children's lives. Also, your situation sounds impossible to resolve short of ending your marriage and starting over. Is divorce on option for you?

I will keep you in my prayers.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear hurtingbadly,
> 
> Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand why you have to be the one that moves out and disrupts your children's lives. Also, your situation sounds impossible to resolve short of ending your marriage and starting over. Is divorce on option for you?
> 
> I will keep you in my prayers.


I couldn't afford to keep our house with what my new job is paying me. He's making less than half what he was before so I'm guessing any child support or alimony would be extremely little. I'd only have two years left on oldest's child support so I know I really couldn't make it on one child's payment. I'm to assume IRA would cover attorney fees and debt. I've looked into apartments around this area and they're as expensive as our mortgage. Basically, I feel my only alternative would be to move to my parents and put them in new schools. It really makes me mad. It's so unfair what he's done to his family and kids. ETA - My new job doesn't even offer insurance! I'm in such a mess. And the way it's set up my oldest will finish school when my youngest will be a year in so it's like I'm again in the situation of pulling her out to another school after she's already started. He's been gone three days now. Third separation, each one I love him less. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife after years of lying and deceit has finally come clean. I have finally gotten the truth. When a spouse does not get the fact that coming clean and stopping the lies makes us fill in the blanks and makes it impossible to live with them. For what ever reason he does not want to come clean and your misery says it all. He does not care or he is still fooling around or both. 

Don't tell your employer anything at this time. Try to find better employment. When you are going through hel* it is hard to focus, try to focus on the finances. Can you rent a room? Is there anything you can sell?

Praying for you.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I couldn't afford to keep our house with what my new job is paying me. He's making less than half what he was before so I'm guessing any child support or alimony would be extremely little. I'd only have two years left on oldest's child support so I know I really couldn't make it on one child's payment. I'm to assume IRA would cover attorney fees and debt. I've looked into apartments around this area and they're as expensive as our mortgage. Basically, I feel my only alternative would be to move to my parents and put them in new schools. It really makes me mad. It's so unfair what he's done to his family and kids. ETA - My new job doesn't even offer insurance! I'm in such a mess. And the way it's set up my oldest will finish school when my youngest will be a year in so it's like I'm again in the situation of pulling her out to another school after she's already started. He's been gone three days now. Third separation, each one I love him less.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dear hurtingbadly,

Given all of these challenges, maybe your best course of action is to stay in your home and put up with your WH as best you can (by mostly ignoring him) while, as Thorburn suggests, starting to look for a better job. That and prayer, of course.

Wish I could come up with something better.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Hurting- the way you summarize your pain, feelings, emotions, uncertainty, nails how we the betrayed feel when we don't get the truth. When the WS continues to delay, deny, lie, give us TT, and does not come clean it creates a disharmony in the M. I lived through this for years. It took months of intense prayer and I never prayed like that ever before. Some here on TAM thought I went nuts. The things I went through from early February till the day my wife finally repented and turned her life to Christ was he*l. During D-day, Feb 6 till the day she repented she started looking for more men and started to date some, all the while she had never ended her A in 2011. I was looking at bankrupcy in early March as my wife was spending money like crazy and not helping with the bills. As far as the M was concerned it was hopeless. The finances were hopeless. All I cared about was the soul of my wife. I no longer cared for the M nor the money. I just wanted to see my wife turn to God and I really did not care for anything else. I will add that my focus was also on my two grown sons. I will say that everything looked hopeless for me and Christ turned everything around. My wife is a changed person. I am still in tons of pain and am very skeptical but those are my issues.

In all your posts you seem to be screaming for the truth. When I started the paperwork for D and the way things were going in Feb, March and April I thought I would never get it and I know exactly how you feel. It is horrible. I thought I would never get closure. I don't mean to rub this in your face but when you get the truth it is painful but it is a true relief. I know that this is what you want.

I can't say what will happen to you or your M. My crystal ball is broke and my magic wand never worked. But you need to work and focus on you. Look at the 180 and try to do that. Start detaching more. Right now you are focused on the pain your WS has brought into your life and continues to bring into your life. You need to stop this and start focusing on things that are positive. Stop looking at all those negatives, money, changing schools, wanting the truth, etc. And focus on the positive. It is easy to have a pity party and focus on the woe is me, and grab a teddy bear, turn off the light and crawl under the blankets and shut out the world. But the world does not stop for you nor for me. What ever steps you can take in a positive direction take them. You have started in the right direction. MC may help but as you found out there are those trained in the "don't tell the story it will cause more pain" school of MC and frankly it is not what we (the BS's) need nor want.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Hurting- the way you summarize your pain, feelings, emotions, uncertainty, nails how we the betrayed feel when we don't get the truth. When the WS continues to delay, deny, lie, give us TT, and does not come clean it creates a disharmony in the M. I lived through this for years. It took months of intense prayer and I never prayed like that ever before. Some here on TAM thought I went nuts. The things I went through from early February till the day my wife finally repented and turned her life to Christ was he*l. During D-day, Feb 6 till the day she repented she started looking for more men and started to date some, all the while she had never ended her A in 2011. I was looking at bankrupcy in early March as my wife was spending money like crazy and not helping with the bills. As far as the M was concerned it was hopeless. The finances were hopeless. All I cared about was the soul of my wife. I no longer cared for the M nor the money. I just wanted to see my wife turn to God and I really did not care for anything else. I will add that my focus was also on my two grown sons. I will say that everything looked hopeless for me and Christ turned everything around. My wife is a changed person. I am still in tons of pain and am very skeptical but those are my issues.
> 
> In all your posts you seem to be screaming for the truth. When I started the paperwork for D and the way things were going in Feb, March and April I thought I would never get it and I know exactly how you feel. It is horrible. I thought I would never get closure. I don't mean to rub this in your face but when you get the truth it is painful but it is a true relief. I know that this is what you want.
> 
> I can't say what will happen to you or your M. My crystal ball is broke and my magic wand never worked. But you need to work and focus on you. Look at the 180 and try to do that. Start detaching more. Right now you are focused on the pain your WS has brought into your life and continues to bring into your life. You need to stop this and start focusing on things that are positive. Stop looking at all those negatives, money, changing schools, wanting the truth, etc. And focus on the positive. It is easy to have a pity party and focus on the woe is me, and grab a teddy bear, turn off the light and crawl under the blankets and shut out the world. But the world does not stop for you nor for me. What ever steps you can take in a positive direction take them. You have started in the right direction. MC may help but as you found out there are those trained in the "don't tell the story it will cause more pain" school of MC and frankly it is not what we (the BS's) need nor want.


Thank you Thorburn. You understand me well. I found a prayer online for inner peace... I printed it off and placed it by my bed. I read it out loud several times a day. I am seriously tortured by the unknown. He just won't budge. He claims he has repented to God. He insists he has told me everything, but my gut tells me otherwise. Well, he failed a poly and I got HPV so that's more than just my gut! He has said even recently he wished he never told me anything cause all it did was destroy everything. So I know this is still his way of thinking. His excuse for lying about who it was for a year is because he didn't want to hurt me more. Our first MC did say in front of him that I didn't need to know details, all I needed to know was he cheated. She cursed me with anxiety for years to come that day! Once he confessed to the drunken "ONS BJ" on a business trip after eight long years he kept up his story it was a stranger, it took a year and an actual poly to discover it was actually a coworker from another location. (My first threat of a poly is actually what gave me the ONS BJ confession.) Now here we are a year later and I still don't have closure to any of my doubts. 

He came back last night, cooked dinner and mowed the lawn. I had told him if we separate a third time I can't guarantee I'd have any feelings left for him, but I wasn't gonna beg for him to come back home. He came back on his own. The second separation really detached me, so that part has already kinda taken place. I am wrapped up in fear, though. Would I still hurt like this if I was already detached? Would you still have those hurt feelings?

I don't believe he is cheating on me now. HA! That's funny. I never thought he would have cheated in the first place. I have full access to everything, including GPS. He is at a new job, he really lost everything. Most his friends were with the old job that he was at for a couple decades. That said, if ever a time in our relationship it was ripe for an affair it would be now. We're both very lonely and he lost everything. Really, I thought we had a good relationship before. I think this comes down to getting attention from younger coworkers and it making him feel important. It also didn't help his male coworkers encouraged this behavior. 

I can actually go back and remember how he acted after that trip. I kept asking if he was sick, he just kept telling me he felt off. He said he didn't feel good when I tried to pursue sex. So he did have some guilt after the first time at least. For awhile, he refused to watch any show or movie that had cheating in it, I thought this was because of his parents. Yes folks, he saw his parents go thru this about the same age as our kids are now! 

Personally, I think he felt bad at first. Time went by, he saw he got away with it and started to justify the cheating in his head... The girl had moved. He contacted her five years later to tell her he was coming into town. I have the message. I had already tested positive for HPV so it really doesn't add up...

I couldn't sleep last night. I slept the two nights he was gone, though. When I lay beside him I feel INTENSE anxiety. The job thing is rough. I sent out 155 resumes, I actually feel blessed I got this job. I will be learning new things. I do feel they are putting an investment in me to some degree because it is alot to be trained on, so I feel kinda obligated to them despite the pay. But, it is low pay and no health insurance. It was tough being a middle aged stay at home mom that hadn't worked in seven years. I was starting to feel like nobody would ever want me.

He wants to start fresh. This is next to impossible. I know the old marriage is dead, but the anxiety and lack of trust makes it impossible. He just refuses to tell me more. I tell him this is TORTURE! I also don't understand why nobody came forward... Was this really one girl, several girls? A ONS, an affair? A BJ, full blown intercourse? Who was this person I was married to?!? How do I get closure? Even if we divorce, how do I get closure?!? I'll continue to pray.

Closure, that's really what I want and need.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would suggest telling him that you have done some research and you have concluded that your marriage doesn't have a chance unless he tells you everything. Then do the 180 for your own emotional health:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> I would suggest telling him that you have done some research and you have concluded that your marriage doesn't have a chance unless he tells you everything. Then do the 180 for your own emotional health:
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


I have told him this. I've given him every article, book I could find that explained this. He knows this.

My concern with the 180 is this is old skeletons in the closet we're dealing with, it's not something current that is going on. So it's not like I'm currently competing with someone.

I understand the 180 is for my emotional health, but it seems wrong for any chance at reconciliation at this point?

If I become totally detached from him, he may say there is nothing there and there would be no reason to come clean?

Does this make sense?


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## broken30 (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm sorry for what your going through. I'm vey new here but..totally agree with Thornburn.

I've spent a lot of my days consumed having a pity party and trying to figure out the whole truth ... and every time your only given TT's it feels like that... just as during the cheating ..he's still doesn't give a sh$!t about how it hurts or effects you. 

That just fuels the anger ...because once AGAIN.... they're needs come first. 

I switch between being detach and having no feeling for WH to raging anger for his selfishness and still keeping me in this hole. Could you be doing this as well or is it a done deal.

One thing that really helped me was a post ( not sure if it was on this forum) but it was about passive/aggressive and being codependent . It may not be your case but as soon I read it, I felt this big weight off my shoulders since D-Day and it did was make me realize it's HIS problem...not mine. I have since been able to do things with my kids and not obsess every minute.

Just my own thoughts.


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