# when a husband lies



## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

i caught my husband hiding porn mags from me when he knew all along that i dont allow it in our house.i left him and our 52yo female househelper (who sad she has nothing to do with it and i believe her) when i went for a week vacation out of town.i found 2 porn mags in a box placed in a 7ft. storage cabinet (the box already existed before the mags came into our house,i was the one who stored it months ago so i know it is empty).he had been collecting those mags (2 boxes i think) when he was still single and he brought it in our house to sell it.he stored all the mags in the car trunk to avoid arguments with me.he is still denying the act and plays innocent.he said hes doing the best for his family(me and our baby)and he doesnt deserve that accusation.i dont have any proof but i can feel that he is lying in my face.he is the only one left in our house,our helper went to her place.he said there are more important things to deal with than than that mag.he lied to me before about something but i had him admit it.he is a good guy,responsible and loving..he slapped me once but were so sorry for it(he didnt say sorry right away though..)we are 2 years married.i am happy with him,only that i feel betrayed.how can i ever trust him again?i think he forgot about the mags because hes busy until i found it and those are dated 2010,i am sure he havent read that and that made it interesting to sneek in.what do i do if he admits it?and not?anyone...?what is the best thing to say when i get to speak to him?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So you want to break up your family because he hid porn?

Yet you are able to get past being slapped?

I'm just wondering which hill you're willing to die on? 

If your H is a good guy and the only thing you have to complain about is that he has a box of porn, you may want to reassess your reasoning.

If he doen't seem to be obsessed with it, doesn't slap you anymore, appears to love you, provides for you and your family, why this line in the sand?


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

he is trying to get himself off the hook and seriously denying it.i am not pissed about the mags, but he's lies.i am afraid he is going to lie again.i love my family and as long as he is going to be truthful then its all fine with me.should i just forget about what happened? if he wont admit it, i know that it will be unhealthy for the both of us esp on my part,i wont be at peace at all. and if he does admit it, i am afraid to face a new story of him,the man who cant get over his passion for those mags. what is the best thing to tell him?i know that dishonesty will put my realtionship with him at risk and i dont want that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He shouldn't lie to you, but you kind of have him caught in a trap.

On the one hand, he loves you and cares for you.

On the other hand, he has a box of porn.

Should he get rid of it? Probably.

Should you make this the issue that breaks of your family?

Probably not.

Personally, I'd be far more concerned about getting slapped.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Put it all out on the table, either he stops with the lies or you're gone. Ask him to throw the mags out, destroy them or something, if his marriage to you is important, he shouldn't have a problem doing it. make sure he does this in front of you so you will feel secure that they are gone. Will it stop him from getting more? Possibly not, but he needs to be upfront with you, and stop lying especially if he knows how you already feel.

Why did he slap you?


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

yes i got slapped and already forgave him for doing so.it happened once,my mind said leave him but my heart melted when i saw our baby.i am trying to forget about it now and hopes it wont ever happen again. he is sorry for that.
why do you think he'd hide those mag from me?what should i tell him?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I honestly see other issues which are much bigger than his stash of porn. Does he only lie about the porn? Have you considered marriage counseling?


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

we had a big fight.i was way out of my line..shouting,pushing him because of the harsh words ive been hearing from him and i got bruises with the way he held me.out of his anger he slapped me.i thought about walking away but i just cared for our baby.
i hope that wont happen again.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Don't stay for the child...what if he got mad enough to slap your child? You gonna stay then too? Think of yourself and child, seems like he is thinking of himself he if feels the need to lie, hide things and have anger issues.


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

we never tried marriage counselling.that is a good thing to do.
he lied about paying the laptop that he bought for me in cash only to find out that he used his friend's credit card (to earn card points and pay his friend in cash accdg to him, he knew that i dont want to borrow money from friends in any way...).i got him admit that only because i told him i am about to ask the store where he bought it from, otherwise he might not have admitted that.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He seems big into lying, you seem big into getting him to admit things. Its like a cycle nothing is getting resolved. He will keep lying and doing whatever if he isn't held accountable for his actions. If he wont go to counseling you need to go for yourself.


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

what if he never admits what he did? i am not expecting though..i cant live each day thinking about what he did and living in a lie.i am scared and confused. i dont think he is going to hurt our child. i hope not. i want this family so bad because we both came from a broken one. i know he is a kind-hearted guy not until these things happen.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

to trust again said:


> what if he never admits what he did? i am not expecting though..i cant live each day thinking about what he did and living in a lie.i am scared and confused. i dont think he is going to hurt our child. i hope not. i want this family so bad because we both came from a broken one. i know he is a kind-hearted guy not until these things happen.



Stop worrying about if he admits something or not...if you know in your heart he did this or that..then thats all you need to know...you worrying about him admitting stuff isn't the issue here. 
You came from a broken one, but you would rather remain in one with the one you have? 

I'm not the biggest Dr. Phil fan but one thing that stuck out to me he said to someone once was, "Stop making excuses for inexcusable behavior." Its really true! He can be the best provider, nicest man to others, makes good money etc, but you can't ignore the other things that are making you unhappy, that he may be doing.


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

thank you so much...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

to trust again said:


> we had a big fight.i was way out of my line..shouting,pushing him because of the harsh words ive been hearing from him and i got bruises with the way he held me.out of his anger he slapped me.i thought about walking away but i just cared for our baby.
> i hope that wont happen again.


So do you think that incident was mutual combat?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I tend to agree with CallaLily. The marriage has become a "tug-o-war" scenario in a sense. No one is winning, but anger and resentment are reaching a boiling point. I'm thinking a therapist could be most helpful because it goes much deeper than lies.


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

mutual combat?i really dont know...that was a first.i dont think it will happen again cause ive seen him changed.


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## to trust again (Jul 5, 2011)

.


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## CaptainMidnight (Jul 5, 2011)

Let it go--it's just a couple magazines. He's not opening up because he's too busy defending himself. Be his wife, not his inquisitor. Approaching from a position of mutual respect will be far more conducive to honesty.


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