# No presence on wife's FB.



## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

My marriage currently isn't in a good spot but this is something that's been bothering me even when things weren't bad. I have no presence in my wife's FB or Instagram. She definitely uses these sites more for seeing everyone else's feed but she does post every so often. I've tried not to make a bigger deal about this than it really it is but I do wonder why my wife doesn't post pics of us together or post a nice sentiment directed at me. I certainly don't want to be a couple where every post/pic is saying how great their spouse is but something would be nice. For example, she has about 200 pics on FB and 30 on Instagram and none are of me and her together. I'm in 5 of those pics but they are family pics and not just us. She says she's a private person and doesn't want to put her private life out there but at the same time she post pics of her and her friends, sisters, co-workers, our kids...but no me. 

Years ago I had to push to get her to link our FB's as married. Geez!

I'll say something nice on her FB on our anniversary or her birthday but I don't even get a "like" out of her let alone a reply comment. This should be trivial (is trivial) and we really do have bigger issues to work on but this just makes me feel like she was never proud of me or our relationship. 

I've expressed to her that it would be nice if even once she gave me some FB love...still nothing. 

Why does this bother me? Should I take my FB absence as a sign that she never really held our relationship in high regard?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

That would bother me very much too. If he wouldn't at least acknowledge the Married to.... on FB.

I mean, he doesn't post much. He doesn't reply or even "like" when I post something about his birthday, anniversary, say I love you...etc. Not until one of his other family comments or likes,... then maybe he'll throw a like in there... not too look bad in their eyes.

He has very few pics of me or us on facebook. But neither do i. (Personally ashamed of my looks.) He does have pics of him alone & with his motorcycle. But as far as comments & likes... His FB account does not have much activity with mine.

I do see sometimes, he will comment & like his nieces' posts.
That bothers me.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't know your story but yes, I personally would be concerned about that.

Most of the couples that I am FB friends with post pictures of the two of them on a regular basis and acknowledge events like anniversaries and birthdays.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I don't have facebook, but my ex wife did, and I had no presence either. She is now my ex wife.

My STBW has facebook, and there are tons of pics of us, all the lovey dovey comments and such. She does that on her own as I don't even have a page to respond to her on. We usually go through all her facebook every night when she gets home so she can show me things, so it is an open book to me anyway.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

It sounds like you're talking to her directly about it. I assume she knows this bothers you, and how you interpret it. Does she?

I have some old high school freinds who I either found, or they found me when we got on facebook. I've had a couple of them that, after several months of seeing their posts, I didn't really know if they were still married or not. I PMed them, and both times, they seemed a little surprised that they came across like that to me, but they also thanked me and said they would keep that in mind in the future when posting, and they do. They're not gushing by any means, but I will occasionally see a mention of a husband. Mostly, they post about other interests still. I don't know how the rest of their relationship is, but I know they have other hobbies, and sharing those things with friends seems to be the main interest they have on facebook.

I'm a doter on facebook, but my wife is also my best buddy in pretty much everything I do from fishing to hiking to travelling. I couldn't post anything else if I didn't include her because most times, she's there. However; I love photographing scenery, and catching candid shots of people just doing things they do that I found sweet, unusual, funny, or just stupid. I probably post 5 - 10 of those photos for every photo I post of my wife or of me. So even though I dote, if I was looking at my activity from the outside, I would say it seems like my other interests dominate my page ... just because I think other people are interested in those things, too, whereas they know what my wife and I look like.

So I think there is a balance. I'm not sure what your wife's motives are, but wanting to be private may be very much valid in her mind. I'd let her know it bothers you if you haven't already. But at the same time, I'd recognize that with facebook, she's probably sharing a lot of things that she finds interesting that she also thinks her friends will find interesting, and I say that part just because I think that's what I do with photos on Facebook.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I don't have facebook, but my ex wife did, and I had no presence either. She is now my ex wife.
> 
> My STBW has facebook, and there are tons of pics of us, all the lovey dovey comments and such. She does that on her own as I don't even have a page to respond to her on. We usually go through all her facebook every night when she gets home so she can show me things, so it is an open book to me anyway.


The "open book" I think is important, too. I don't do anything that my wife can't see, including on TAM. I just assume that anything I share is hers to view as well. I think it is good that you look through her FB with her, and I also think it is good that the OP's wife's page is open to him.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Danger...Danger...Will Robinson.... (that's from an old TV show if you don't know it) I'm in the been there camp. My STBXW was on Facebook. I was not. For me in my 40s it seemed like something for kids or people with too much time on their hands. Come to find out I, like you, did not exist on her FB. I ended up finding out that her affairs came from her FB "friends" also. I think if you're happy and enthusiastic about your marriage then your profile pic is of the two of you and you praise each other in public (including on FB etc) I'm a supporter of sharing a FB account or if not that exchanging passwords and having an open book policy with your mate. Isn't what a marriage is supposed to be?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> Danger...Danger...Will Robinson.... (that's from an old TV show if you don't know it) I'm in the been there camp. My STBXW was on Facebook. I was not. For me in my 40s it seemed like something for kids or people with too much time on their hands. Come to find out I, like you, did not exist on her FB. I ended up finding out that her affairs came from her FB "friends" also. I think if you're happy and enthusiastic about your marriage then your profile pic is of the two of you and you praise each other in public (including on FB etc) I'm a supporter of sharing a FB account or if not that exchanging passwords and having an open book policy with your mate. Isn't what a marriage is supposed to be?


This happened to me too. I never felt a need to look at stbxh page, but got the opportunity after he said he wanted a divorce. The things on his facebook and myspace pages were sickening, including the guide on how to be a successful pick up artist. Just thinking about this makes me feel like I need a shower. I deserved better after 20+ years of marriage. I will never be in another relationship with a man who keeps me a secret. I require full transparency. No more blind trust. No more attitude that I don't need to view these things.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Now wait a minute.. you're jumping to conclusions here???

He didn't say she was unfaithful. He didn't say she was secretive or hiding things... (my husband is not secretive or hiding his facebook account either. ) he just doesn't comment much. - He plays FB games more than anything else. But... I think in his mind, I'm right here & he talks to me. Why should he have to say stuff on the computer when I'm right here? That's his view of it.

But anyway, He didn't say she was unfaithful. Or even that he was worried about it. He was just upset that she doesn't seem to be communicating the marriage to her facebook page.
Just that when she posts on facebook, she is not posting stuff about them as a couple. She is not putting up pics of him or stuff about them.

One of my work friends.. her hubby posts lots of pics about them together. She posts none. I rarely see her post much of anything really... she likes other peoples posts & comments. A few times here & there will say something, but not often. But anyway. I know they have a solid marriage. She loves him & talks about him & family all the time at work. She just doesn't do the photo things like her hubby does. Would you be telling him stuff like this to get him paranoid about her cheating? No.. the situation doesn't warrant it.


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## luravua (Jul 25, 2013)

It sounds like you're talking to her directly about it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

luravua said:


> It sounds like you're talking to her directly about it.


Lol.. If you mean me?... heck no!. My hubby wouldn't go to a discussion board for advice. He'd talk to his friends. Plus, i don't do pictures on FB. very very few.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Now wait a minute.. you're jumping to conclusions here???
> 
> He didn't say she was unfaithful. He didn't say she was secretive or hiding things... (my husband is not secretive or hiding his facebook account either. ) he just doesn't comment much. - He plays FB games more than anything else. But... I think in his mind, I'm right here & he talks to me. Why should he have to say stuff on the computer when I'm right here? That's his view of it.
> 
> ...


I would agree with you, Chelle, except that OP's wife puts pics of the family up and as well as friends, coworkers, etc... but nothing of him and her together. No acknowledgement of posts to ehr wall on anniversaries, birthdays, etc? Sorry, that would all be a problem with me. And he had to even push to have her put that they are married/link their accounts. Sorry, but it all together doesn't add up to anything good, IMO. And, he has even talked to her about it... which makes it worse. She knows how he feels, but continues to disregard his feelings. She posts other personal stuff, like pics of the kids, pics of the family, but not one single picture of just the two of them?

Honestly, bmark33, I'd be tempted to post a picture of the two of you, alone, and tag her in it. When you do that, it shows on her timeline... and when you go to the pictures/albums section, it's right there with all the other pictures. But, that's just how I am.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Ask her why is she ashamed to show her husband on facebook together as a couple. Actions speak louder then any bullStuff excuse of why she hasn't posted any.

The only way for this to change is for you to call her out on it and not compromise PERIOD. I would be really interested to see how hard she resists your simple request and ask her "Who on FB is she trying to appear single for?????"


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I would feel the same about not having some space on my spouses face book page. You kind of down played it's importance that it is worthy of bothering you.
It IS bothering you enough to vent it out here in TAM. It is an issue worthy of her to consider and maybe expand on her reasons for not posting a bit more about you both. 

I think it is worthy of another conversation and do not belittle the fact that it is bothering you even if it seem silly or inconsequential.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

shy_guy said:


> It sounds like you're talking to her directly about it. I assume she knows this bothers you, and how you interpret it. Does she?
> 
> *She's known for quite sometime now that it bugs me. I really don't bring it up to her anymore because I don't want to feel like she's posting something nice just because I asked her to. So I backed off of it (choose your battles right?) and years later...nothing. *
> 
> ...


*My wife has always had difficulty showing affection in real life so I guess the extension to the cyberworld shouldn't surprise me. I am the initiator when it comes to intimacy. I wish I was mature enough in the beginning of our relationship to know that a two way road is needed...thanks for your thoughts!*


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> *My wife has always had difficulty showing affection in real life so I guess the extension to the cyberworld shouldn't surprise me. I am the initiator when it comes to intimacy. I wish I was mature enough in the beginning of our relationship to know that a two way road is needed...thanks for your thoughts!*


Does she have problems showing affection with members of her family? Friends?


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I would agree with you, Chelle, except that OP's wife puts pics of the family up and as well as friends, coworkers, etc... but nothing of him and her together. No acknowledgement of posts to ehr wall on anniversaries, birthdays, etc? Sorry, that would all be a problem with me. And he had to even push to have her put that they are married/link their accounts. Sorry, but it all together doesn't add up to anything good, IMO. And, he has even talked to her about it... which makes it worse. She knows how he feels, but continues to disregard his feelings. She posts other personal stuff, like pics of the kids, pics of the family, but not one single picture of just the two of them?
> 
> Honestly, bmark33, I'd be tempted to post a picture of the two of you, alone, and tag her in it. When you do that, it shows on her timeline... and when you go to the pictures/albums section, it's right there with all the other pictures. But, that's just how I am.



Ahhhh....but I have done that and her settings are so that she has to approve any tags of her before it shows on her page.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> Ahhhh....but I have done that and her settings are so that she has to approve any tags of her before it shows on her page.


Ok, well then post pictures of her or her and others .... and then post ones of you and her. See which ones she approves.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Kurosity said:


> I would feel the same about not having some space on my spouses face book page. You kind of down played it's importance that it is worthy of bothering you.
> It IS bothering you enough to vent it out here in TAM. It is an issue worthy of her to consider and maybe expand on her reasons for not posting a bit more about you both.
> 
> I think it is worthy of another conversation and do not belittle the fact that it is bothering you even if it seem silly or inconsequential.


Well...we're going on a week being separated now so bringing it up now I don't think is going to help any. Just wondering why during (what I thought) were good times she didn't do this. I've been with this woman for 14 years and all these puzzle pieces are coming together that she was never really in love with me. My head is telling me this is true but my heart just doesn't want to believe it.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Does she have problems showing affection with members of her family? Friends?


Not with our kids and not with her sisters and close friends...but everyone else she does have difficulty with. She wouldn't think of it as a problem though...


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> Not with our kids and not with her sisters and close friends...but everyone else she does have difficulty with. She wouldn't think of it as a problem though...


Well see that is troubling then. I am like that too. I am very affectionate with my kids and I am warm with my immediate family and friends ... but with everybody else I have a definite space.

At one point I was very affectionate with my wife. At some point I became emotionally detached from her (long story) and that is when I stopped being affectionate with her. I also don't post pictures of us together (she wouldn't approve anyway), not because I'm attempting to appear single or looking for an affair, I will divorce before going down that road ... but simply because I'm not feeling it for her and I'm very undecided about our future. It's the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing.

I hope that isn't the case with her but I just thought I'd share where I'm at and why I'd be concerned if I were you.


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## lovelypeonies18 (Jul 26, 2013)

I understand where your feelings are hurt. This is the world we live in today. Facebook and Instagram are so important to people every day routine and is so important tht if you aren't displayed or acknowledged - even may look like your being petty ( you aren't )- you feel unimportant to them. I feel like people post what they want people to know. What excites them , makes them laugh, what they love, their everyday life. And if your wife doesn't show you on there, it comes off like you mean less to her than she does to you. And I'm sure it's not just you. Other people notice. If you have posted multiple times about her and she neglects you, Friends will notice she doesn't give you attention. 
This is just my personal opinion because this is wht I would feel- either A) she doesn't want everyone to see she is with you. By necessarily because she is hiding it but because then it sends the message she is unavailable. And she wants to feel wanted by other men. It excites people. Not everyone but some people ( both males and females ) want attention from the opposite sex even if in a solid relationship. They just crave that excitement 
B) she loves you. But isn't in that " in love " state where she wants to show you off to the world. Like the "honeymoon stage".. That excitement is gone 
Or.. Don't be all pessimistic .. C) she could really be the kind of person that doesn't like making their relationship public. But that depends on her past. If she used to be more open on these networks. Well then C probably doesn't fit. If she was alwys this way. Well at least it's not you. It's just some people's personality. 
Doesn't matter which it is. It's a tough situation.. If you don't say anything she won't notice. If you try talking about it. Either it will come off wrong to her and strt an argument or it will sound like your Clingy and complaining and need oh-so-much-more-attention= nagging .. And nobody likes that. 
I would try talking to her. Just withyour words. And how you come off. Don't jump on her. We will def get defensive. But that's just what I think. 
Hope this can be resolved. You seem to just want some appreciation. 
Like they say " To some people, love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I would focus on doing what you can to return your relationship to a good state. Thats really what matters. I know one couple that made grand proclamations of their love for one another on facebook. They are now divorced. I know another couple that always liked to talk about sex. Years later I found out they were in a sexless marriage. Forget about social media. Focus on whats real.

Your post resonates with me because a good friend from high school called me a few days ago and said the opposite to me. He said "I can tell your wife loves you because you don't exist on her facebook page". I'm really only in a few shots. It never dawned on me until he said something about it. And nope I don't care that I'm not the focus of her page. I'm the focus of her life and thats what matters.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Your post is very similiar to one aspect of my marriage. My X slowly eliminated me from her account, and posted more and more appealing pics of herself...i suppose to feed off the attn she was getting from old high school friends and new "friends" she was adding. I complained many times, and eventually got her to add a couple pics...but she buried them in her albums, never putting me or the kids in her profile pic...i assume because that would limit her appeal to her male "friends". We are now divorced because she continued to sink further and further into her need for attn and her journey for self satisfaction--or a midlife crises as most call it.

My point is, to me, it CAN be a leading indicator that identifies how SHE views the relationship. I used to complain to my friend about her FB stuff, and he told me to ignore it, its nothing..let her play. But now the picture is clearer about what she was doing...it was a form of fishing/flirting with with men...testing the waters. It was more serious than i took it for, because like everyone will tell you "its just facebook stuff". She even removed the kids pics to "keep them safe from predators". 

I agree..you need to focus on the relationship..just know it may be telling you something.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You wife is clearly disengaging you from her life. FB is just one symptom. You are separated correct? FB is the least of your problems.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Really sounds like your issues are deeper than her facebook behavior. That just sounds like a symptom of a bigger problem. I'd also recommend not taking a passive-aggressive approach which seems to be the direction some suggestions are taking. Have you guys tried marriage counseling?? Self-help books anything like that in the past?


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

yeah, its not the problem...its just a potential symptom.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Really sounds like your issues are deeper than her facebook behavior. That just sounds like a symptom of a bigger problem. I'd also recommend not taking a passive-aggressive approach which seems to be the direction some suggestions are taking. Have you guys tried marriage counseling?? Self-help books anything like that in the past?


Went for four sessions this time last year and she thought that it was kicking up dust. It was too emotional for her. In the past year she says she's been trying to get feelings back for me (things like this FB issue makes me think she never really had these feelings). She asked for space and I would give it to her for a few weeks at a time and then I'd try to get a pulse on the relationship and it always ended bad...repeat cycle. I've asked repeatedly for marriage counseling again and she says she needs to work on herself before our marriage. For a year she says she's not sure if she even wants to work on our marriage so I've been in a limbo stage for 14 months now. It was unbearable...not knowing where I stand and the pressure of trying to have to win her back and failing. It culminated in her leaving last weekend. She says she has no hopes that our relationship will survive.

I've read 5 love languages and NMMNG. She's also read 5 love languages. Obviously, we have different languages. She says that she's not willing to learn or show in my language because that's not who she is. She feels like changing anything about her is not being true to herself and thus is sacrificing. When she sacrifices anything for me she feels it's like me being controlling. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can do to help improve our situation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She says that she's not willing to learn or show in my language because that's not who she is.


Obviously the concept of the languages is completely lost on her. The truth is she doesn't WANT to serve you in this marriage. She's no longer interested. Speaking your lovers language isn't about YOU it's about them and serving them out of love for them.

I'm sorry you are seperated, but she sounds like she disconnected a long time ago.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

bmark33 said:


> she says she needs to work on herself before our marriage. For a year she says she's not sure if she even wants to work on our marriage so I've been in a limbo stage for 14 months now.


Call her bluff on it. Say, it's now or never. We either work on it together... or you're done. Pack her bags & send her on her way. When she seriously decides to work on saving the marriage, she can come back & the Marriage counseling can start. If not, you will start divorce proceedings in 2 (or 3?) weeks.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

It looks like she's not into your marriage. Family and friends pics, but not yours? That says a lot.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

I'd be worried. My STBXW stopped posting pics of us and stopped tagging me in photos when the marriage got rocky. All she would post were pics of her and our son together. This went on for a year or so until I found out she was having an affair.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> Ask her why is she ashamed to show her husband on facebook together as a couple. Actions speak louder then any bullStuff excuse of why she hasn't posted any.
> 
> The only way for this to change is for you to call her out on it and not compromise PERIOD. I would be really interested to see how hard she resists your simple request and ask her "Who on FB is she trying to appear single for?????"


:iagree:

1. She's trying to seem single. Why ?
2. She is ashamed or at least not proud to be seen as a couple with you. Why ?

There are deeper issues in here revealed by a mere, ordinary FB account.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

bmark33 said:


> Went for four sessions this time last year and she thought that it was kicking up dust. It was too emotional for her. In the past year she says she's been trying to get feelings back for me (things like this FB issue makes me think she never really had these feelings). She asked for space and I would give it to her for a few weeks at a time and then I'd try to get a pulse on the relationship and it always ended bad...repeat cycle. I've asked repeatedly for marriage counseling again and she says she needs to work on herself before our marriage. For a year she says she's not sure if she even wants to work on our marriage so I've been in a limbo stage for 14 months now. It was unbearable...not knowing where I stand and the pressure of trying to have to win her back and failing. It culminated in her leaving last weekend. She says she has no hopes that our relationship will survive.
> 
> I've read 5 love languages and NMMNG. She's also read 5 love languages. Obviously, we have different languages. She says that she's not willing to learn or show in my language because that's not who she is. She feels like changing anything about her is not being true to herself and thus is sacrificing. When she sacrifices anything for me she feels it's like me being controlling. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can do to help improve our situation.


If that's the case I recommend just filing for divorce. It sounds like you've tried and she has no interest in trying to repair the relationship, herself, her feelings with you or whatever it is that needs to be fixed. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it sounds like you're the only one emotionally invested. There's really only so much you can do and you've tried to make things work, but I think the writing is on the wall with your situation.

You should start detaching from your wife, which it sounds like she has from you quite some time ago, so you can move on with your life and find someone who can be in a fulfilling relationship with you. Because what you have isn't a marriage, it's an opposite sex roommate who sounds like she wants to move out.


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