# StephenG's Whole Story/Journal



## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I decided to make this because I have a few Threads but there are times where I just want to express my feelings and just get everything out so here goes the story and then journal will follow throughout.

My wife and I were together for 5 years and I proposed to her. We were married September 29th......

Everything started November 20th with my wife, we got into an argument over texting and my not spending much time with her, which I am guilty of that and also I realize I did take advantage of her and I apologized for that. 
We were fighting over little text all day and in the middle she came back to the house to grab something (she was babysitting here friends kid and didn't stay at the house because I smoke). So when she came in the door her sister was with her, I gave her sister a hug, and she asked where hers was at and me being the dumbas* that I am said "somewhere over the rainbow"... I was heading out the door to leave for work, hardhat in hand in all and I gave my wife a quick hug and walked to my truck to leave. As I was driving she text me "did you even say hey to my mom?" I said no I didn't know she was in the car. And I am guilty of not seeing her parents much which I should have but I mean come weekend time I'm just ready to sit and not move a muscle...
Well after the thing with her mom and the hug thing she was all heated up at that point and she text me "The way you're acting and treating em and my family is about to lead up to a divorce. Kepe it up" I say my smartas* things like always and all that.
Well needless to say at work I realized everything and I began to text her as I was driving home, I got home and all her stuff was gone, that was the start of my heartbreak...

I texted her and asked if I could talk to her that night (she went to her parents house). She agreed so we sat outside and we talked and I apologized and she continued to say she did not want to try and this and that. I have a VERY good feeling her mom was doing nothing but making the situation much worse it is how her mom is. I mean at our wedding I was helping with clean up and her mom made my wife sit down and open up all our cards because she wanted to see how much money we got...

Well after the talk and me asking for a second chance and her saying no to me I got really sick that next morning and no sleep.. I was throwing up about every 15 minutes and I had nothing left in me..
So throughout that week up to Thanksgiving I was sending her text of me being sorry, pleading and everything else. I also had $95 worth of flowers delivered to her at work and needless to say it got me nowhere.

She found out I had plans to go out of state with another woman for 4 days for my Christmas break (shipyard closes down for 2 weeks). 
I talked to her on the phone and she sounded like she was about to cry and she got angry at me. I made plans with the other girl because she was giving no effort or sign she was thinking about fixing us so I wasn't going to put my life on hold and keep getting me hope up to lead to nothing but more heartbreak...

My last conversation was December 13th. I said "so you really think one fight is worth everything we've been through and everything we have built up together?" She said it was months of fights built up into one (which was a complete lie) We had gotten along every day up until that one fked up day. She says "what we have is broken and can't be mended".

During the whole talk she basically was saying I didn't care, appreciate her, I wasn't nice to her, and that I didn't love her.
The last text and I left it at that was "Then I can't believe you'd quit. I did care Emily and I still do. It's you not caring, not giving any effort. It's always easier to walk away from something rather than to fix and work on it. A man that doesn't care about you wouldn't be trying to work it out with you, wouldn't have loved you enough to propose and to marry you, when I said through the good and bad times in the vows I meant mine but it doesn't seem like you want to get through the first bad time".

That's basically my story, happy damn holidays right?

I still love my wife and I would do anything to get her back, I miss everything about.
Even with this OW I am talking to it doesn't feel right and I always want to call her my wife's name and as I talk to her I always wish that it was my wife.
I don't know if I can get over my wife, she still crosses my mind every minutes, everything reminds me of her even the smallest and dumbest of things.
I've gone through a lot in life, my wife and I even made it through 8 months of no contact when we were dating when I was 17 and had to go to a military school.
Through my entire life I have cried very seldom times but now it's anytime a song or something reminds me of her I break down and I cry.
I have lost about 10 pounds so far, I can't eat, I can't sleep through a full night, my head just goes on and on about thoughts.
It just kills me to think that I will never have what we once had with her ever again and my true love is out of my life.
I made so many mistake leading up to the point where she did leave me and even more the day we were fighting and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for just letting her walk out, there are so many things I could of done that day and she still would be here right now and I wouldn't be writing this.

I miss her, I love her, and I feel so lost without her. My better half is gone and I fked up


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

Well after reading other post and stories it seems as though the situation I am in my wife has checked out of our relationship.

I've decided that I will go on a little getaway for 4 days with another woman, though I may not be in the least bit over my wife and my heartache I feel as if it will be a small step in letting go.
The woman lives pretty far away from me, so I cannot see myself getting into anything serious unless she moves closer.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

My wife started texting me, first about how I wanted to get her half of the money. I simply said however you'd like in my mailbox.

After that she says ok and begins asking me about my job and my recent injury on the job.

I am not sure what to think of this and I do not want to begin talking to her if she still hasn't given us any thought on fixing our marriage, but on the other hand I am scared to ignore her texts for the fact she may be trying to work on it.
There's no way to know for sure because everytime I begin to talk about "us" is leads me to nowhere but how broken we are and it breaks my heart over and over when I see...


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Why are you going on a 4 day get-away with OW in light of what's going on? Think of the message that sends. 
You are trying to put a bandaid on a gun shot wound. This will solve nothing. You'll go on your get away and think of your wife for most of the time - its going to ruin your experience. You are hurt - she's hurt... This should be Cool Down Time.
You do not need another woman to help get over your wife. You can do that on your own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

StephenG said:


> I am not sure what to think of this and I do not want to begin talking to her if she still hasn't given us any thought on fixing our marriage, but on the other hand I am scared to ignore her texts for the fact she may be trying to work on it.
> There's no way to know for sure because everytime I begin to talk about "us" is leads me to nowhere but how broken we are and it breaks my heart over and over when I see...


 Just be polite, concise, and brief in your responses. Don't act sad, ugly or try and rope her into relationship talk. If she wants to bring that stuff up fine. Picture yourself as the perfect man. Well balanced, level headed, happy, strong and dependable and act that way. Be decisive with things, but offer no emotional details of how you are feeling.

If she decides she wants to work on the marriage or has feelings for you she will bring it up. If you bring the relationship up over and over, question her a lot and push too much it will drive her away.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Just be polite, concise, and brief in your responses. Don't act sad, ugly or try and rope her into relationship talk. If she wants to bring that stuff up fine. Picture yourself as the perfect man. Well balanced, level headed, happy, strong and dependable and act that way. Be decisive with things, but offer no emotional details of how you are feeling.
> 
> If she decides she wants to work on the marriage or has feelings for you she will bring it up. If you bring the relationship up over and over, question her a lot and push too much it will drive her away.


Thanks for the advice.
She started asking about work and saying its unfair how my boss is retaliating and all the good stuff. I kept my replies short simple and to the point and the conversation ended with me answering a question saying "yup".
Is does bother me as to why she would begin a conversation not knowing her intentions. If she is trying to fix or work on our marriage I do not mind but if she does it in attempt to remain friends and just to talk to me it bugs me.
I do not want her as a friend, I married her to be my wife and my partner, if she does not want to attempt to do that with me I will make no attempts to remain friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Wish I could tell you what her true motives are. I can tell you my wife had no intention of saving our marriage and she would sometimes be all nice and act like nothing changed. Sometimes making me think I had a chance. Whether she didn't want me angry during the divorce or if she was trying to make herself feel better considering what she was doing to me I have no clue. Maybe a little of both. She said she wanted to be my 'friend'. Does a part of her care about me after all these years or is she being nice to make her own conscious feel better. Again probably a little of both in my case.

I said no to the friend thing. Just in askIng its apparent she is oblivious to how painful it is when the person you loved and trusted tells you they don't love you anymore and worse has a affair.
Then to say 'can we still be friends'. Really? No thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Wish I could tell you what her true motives are. I can tell you my wife had no intention of saving our marriage and she would sometimes be all nice and act like nothing changed. Sometimes making me think I had a chance. Whether she didn't want me angry during the divorce or if she was trying to make herself feel better considering what she was doing to me I have no clue. Maybe a little of both. She said she wanted to be my 'friend'. Does a part of her care about me after all these years or is she being nice to make her own conscious feel better. Again probably a little of both in my case.
> 
> I said no to the friend thing. Just in askIng its apparent she is oblivious to how painful it is when the person you loved and trusted tells you they don't love you anymore and worse has a affair.
> Then to say 'can we still be friends'. Really? No thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's helpful to know that and I am pretty sure she is doing it for the same reason. There is nothing worse in the situation than having false hope that there may be a chance. I don't want to think too much of the text she sent me for that exact reason. I will find a way to figure her intentions because I'm not going to sit and wonder when it could just be her trying to make herself feel better for the actions she has done against as you said. Don't want to take one step forward and two steps back when she decides she wants to talk to me. 
She hasn't given me the final divorce papers yet but when she does that'll be my confirmation she is done and out and that'll be the answer to my own question and my closure to not bother with that smallest big of contact with her.

My wife is also oblivious to the pain and hurt she has caused me. It seems as if they don't realize in a situation that one person makes the calls and is perfectly fine with leaving the other while we are here still loving the same woman, still caring, still trying.
Always easier for one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well I wish I was the one that had it easier! Sure would make my life a lot better!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> Well I wish I was the one that had it easier! Sure would make my life a lot better!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I couldn't agree with you more. 
Seems she's on her marry way while I'm in a living hell
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Well I have a seat free right next to me !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

Well today I was doing alright and I stumbled across a picture of my wife.

I am still holding onto that thread of hope she will come back and she will try to work it out with me but I'm just not sure.

All her stuff is at her parents house and I've gotten rid of the place we were staying at. It's nearing Christmas and I find myself in a dark place... I tell myself I am getting over her and I think I try to convince myself that I am over her but in reality I know I am not, I;m nowhere close, and I don't know if I can.

She was so rushy with the first set of divorce papers and I signed them and she said she was going to get the final set but I haven't even heard anything on them and it's been over a month now. I haven't talked to her any except the last time she talked to me the 19th of December.

I think the reason I cannot move on is because I am still wondering, wondering whats going on through her head, what she is thinking about, and if she even thinks about trying to fix our marriage. 
My thoughts for everything are kind of lost, I have no confirmation. I keep that bit of hope because I have not received the paperwork, but then at the same time there has been no sign of her wanted to work it out.
So here I am with sitting, thinking, and wondering with a thumb up my a**.

If she wanted to work on her marriage wouldn't she have indicated that or given a sign?
I find it hard to believe she'd start conversation with me after I ignored her text about how my work injuries and work was going.. Don't think that classifies as thinking of trying with me.

There are moments I feel certain and that I am ok about everything but I am beginning to think it's just my fooling myself.
I break down and cry when I stop and put myself back into reality of everything that is going on around me.

One of the worst parts is the more I think about everything over the last few months it was my fault and there was so much I could of done to fix it so I continue to beat myself up over it.

...Christmas Miracles do happen don't they?...


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