# please help me



## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

I am so lost and confused I dont know who I am or what I am doing anymore. I found out my boyfriend of 8 years had a one night stand with a transvestite, he told me he was curious and it got the best of him, I found out the past year he has had several of them he had cyber sex with. he took lots of pictures of his privates and was engaging in different chat rooms with transvestites. I want this work I really do, I know he isnt the only one to blame were we are at in relationship, I partly forgiven him for this but I am still lost and confused and dont know how to feel or what to think. and when I get upset and cry, he holds me and then we have sex and I cant help but think I am not what he wants why he is here with me. I know none of this makes sense but I cant think straight anymore, I have lost over 30 pounds in 3 weeks, I lay awake a night thinking of him kissing her/he, touching her/he having sex.please any advice will help me.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

If a person is trans and identifies as a female you should respect that and not call them a her/he. They are a her. 

Now. Moving onto your problem. 

Does he want to continue the relationship with you? If so I would suggest counseling for him and you separately and couples counseling together to figure out this mess.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

first I would like to say I am not familar with trans people, I dont want to offend anyone that isnt my intention. and he told me wants to be with me and he is done but I dont know what to do with this, it seems we have a rough patch but he never truely let on how unhappy he was, I look back and see signs but I believed it was work. and then we had sex and he seemed to touch me differently, so I dont know, I mean can it work?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Who gives a cr*p what the people your boyfriend is cheating want to be called? Call them an "it" if you want to. You don't know them, and they are cheating with your husband.

You need to dump your boyfriend. His cheating is even more disturbing that "normal" cheating. He has lied to you in more ways than one.

You should not be having sex with him. You are at risk for STD's.

If he doesn't commit to fidelity immediately, then you need to dump him. Life with him and his proclivities for strange outside of your relationship will be utter hell for you. Get out now, before you are entangled financially, have children and other bonds that will complicate things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

How do you know that he has only done this one time? What he did is very high risk behavior. You both need to get checked for STDs.

He cheated on you. It sounds like the fact that he cheated with a transvestite has you confused as to how to react to it. He cheated. How would you react if he cheated with a woman? Would you be trying to hard to be understanding?

A lot of women would not stay with a man who wanted sex with transvestites. It's just not something that most want to have to deal with.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Call them POSI (Piece of sh*t it)


Maybe they don't know he's in a relationship?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

I dont understand how he could do this, how he would want to be with them, I cook,clean,work a full time job and take care of the kids, and its like what is it I dont have that makes you want them more then me. he told me that it was just once and it was in feb and he is done and now wants to commit to us. but I dont know how.and having sex seems to be my way of connecting, tryin to get past this move forward. how do I leave, I how do just say I cant do it. I already failed one marriage, hince why we arent married.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

kaye72 said:


> I dont understand how he could do this, how he would want to be with them, I cook,clean,work a full time job and take care of the kids, and its like what is it I dont have that makes you want them more then me. he told me that it was just once and it was in feb and he is done and now wants to commit to us. but I dont know how.and having sex seems to be my way of connecting, tryin to get past this move forward. how do I leave, I how do just say I cant do it. I already failed one marriage, hince why we arent married.


Are they his kids?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

I was tested for stds 3 weeks ago, and so far I havent gotten anything, I am 43 and he is 40. he just got back from being out to sea, so he hasnt been tested yet. but I hadnt seen him for awhile so when we did have sex I so badly wanted him, to want me.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

yes 2 kids we have together. up until last year I believed we had a good relationship, and it seemed last year one my son from a prev marriage came to live with us, lets say it all went down hill fast. he became distance and cold, and sex was lacking. I believed it was work related, stress from my son being here


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

kaye72 said:


> yes 2 kids we have together. up until last year I believed we had a good relationship, and it seemed last year one my son from a prev marriage came to live with us, lets say it all went down hill fast. he became distance and cold, and sex was lacking. I believed it was work related, stress from my son being here


Don't blame yourself for him seeking out sex somewhere else. 

I know how hard it is to let go. 

How old are your children?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> 
> How do you know that he has only done this one time? What he did is very high risk behavior. You both need to get checked for STDs.
> 
> ...


I dont know how to react, I dont know if he has done it more then once I want to believe him when he says it was just once and he reliezed it was a mistake and he wants us, and he wont ever do it again. honestly if it was a woman I could understand but all those sights and chat rooms and pictures of them, and things they are doing and all of his naked pics of himself. it makes me sick to think he would want that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> I dont understand how he could do this, how he would want to be with them, I cook,clean,work a full time job and take care of the kids, and its like what is it I dont have that makes you want them more then me. he told me that it was just once and it was in feb and he is done and now wants to commit to us. but I dont know how.and having sex seems to be my way of connecting, tryin to get past this move forward. how do I leave, I how do just say I cant do it. I already failed one marriage, hince why we arent married.


How did you find out that he cheated and about what he's been doing chasing transvestites?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> Don't blame yourself for him seeking out sex somewhere else.
> 
> I know how hard it is to let go.
> 
> How old are your children?


kids together 8 and 6, we are close to bein together 9 years. I tried so hard in the beginning when he was distant but he pushed me away, so I gave him space and didnt thinik he would go screw someone else via the internet or in person


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## Singleton (May 30, 2013)

Pamvhv said:


> If a person is trans and identifies as a female you should respect that and not call them a her/he. They are a her.
> 
> Now. Moving onto your problem.
> 
> Does he want to continue the relationship with you? If so I would suggest counseling for him and you separately and couples counseling together to figure out this mess.


Not quite correct! Also, under the circumstances the girl is upset and can call her/ him whatever she wants!

You said trans. There is a transvestite. That is a man. There is a transexual. In this case it is a "woman"

Back to the original poster. I feel your pain. You do not have a penis and you think that you will never please him the way he wants to be pleased. The more important thing is that regardless of the sex of the other person your boyfriend is cheating on you! You have two huge obstacles to overcome. I dated a girl once who divorced her husband because of the same thing. The husband was an excellent provider, dad and step-dad. I felt that it was the secrecy and cheating on his side that killed that marriage, just like your "normal" cheating. She also could not get over the "****" aspect of it. He married a women who is ok with it! She is still looking.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How did you find out that he cheated and about what he's been doing chasing transvestites?



my 16 year old from a prev marriage phone broke, and I let him use my boyfriends old phone and there was all this stuff on it, at the time my boyfriend was out to sea, and figured he wouldnt mind. and then I started searching on his computer and found all his secrets. the when he got home from being out to sea, he confused to everything, told me hadnt been happy for awhile and he gets really excited seeing trans people and he went in this chat room and there were a few he had just had cyber sex with but this one he really connected with and after a month of chatting with the trans, he met her at her house and had sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> I dont know how to react, I dont know if he has done it more then once I want to believe him when he says it was just once and he reliezed it was a mistake and he wants us, and he wont ever do it again. honestly if it was a woman I could understand but all those sights and chat rooms and pictures of them, and things they are doing and all of his naked pics of himself. it makes me sick to think he would want that.


Most people who cheat do what we call "trickle truth", meaning that they only tell the very least that they think they can get away with. Seldom does a cheater tell the truth. 

It's very rare that at 40+ year old man wakes up one day and decides he want to bonk transvestites. I'm sorry to say but chances are that he's been doing this for a long time. You say that he travels a lot for work. That gives him a lot of opportunity to do whatever he wants sexually.

IMO, he's been doing this behind your back for a long time.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

Singleton said:


> Not quite correct! Also, under the circumstances the girl is upset and can call her/ him whatever she wants!
> 
> You said trans. There is a transvestite. That is a man. There is a transexual. In this case it is a "woman"
> 
> Back to the original poster. I feel your pain. You do not have a penis and you think that you will never please him the way he wants to be pleased. The more important thing is that regardless of the sex of the other person your boyfriend is cheating on you! You have two huge obstacles to overcome. I dated a girl once who divorced her husband because of the same thing. The husband was an excellent provider, dad and step-dad. I felt that it was the secrecy and cheating on his side that killed that marriage, just like your "normal" cheating. She also could not get over the "****" aspect of it. He married a women who is ok with it! She is still looking.


I honestly dont know what to call them, I wish I knew, I never had to deal with this, I mean is he secretly gay or bi, I dont understand, I really dont, I didnt even know he liked it, I didnt know he wanted that and as a woman how do I give that to him and your right I will never be able to give him it because I dont have a penis


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Most people who cheat do what we call "trickle truth", meaning that they only tell the very least that they think they can get away with. Seldom does a cheater tell the truth.
> 
> It's very rare that at 40+ year old man wakes up one day and decides he want to bonk transvestites. I'm sorry to say but chances are that he's been doing this for a long time. You say that he travels a lot for work. That gives him a lot of opportunity to do whatever he wants sexually.
> 
> IMO, he's been doing this behind your back for a long time.


so does this mean he has always wanted them? I mean up until last year our sex life was really good. so I dont understand


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> my 16 year old from a prev marriage phone broke, and I let him use my boyfriends old phone and there was all this stuff on it, at the time my boyfriend was out to sea, and figured he wouldnt mind. and then I started searching on his computer and found all his secrets. the when he got home from being out to sea, he confused to everything, told me hadnt been happy for awhile and he gets really excited seeing trans people and he went in this chat room and there were a few he had just had cyber sex with but this one he really connected with and after a month of chatting with the trans, he met her at her house and had sex.


A transvestite is a man who dresses like a woman. I would not call a man who does this a woman. I know some people are into the political correct thing that we need to call a person what they want to be called. I'm more realistic. It he has a dong he's a man. In your case, I think that you calling this person a 'woman' or 'her' will only serve to confuse you more.

Your husband met with a transvestite to have homosexual sex. It's high unlikely it was his first time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> so does this mean he has always wanted them? I mean up until last year our sex life was really good. so I dont understand


Since you had a good sex life for a long time I doubt he's purely homosexual.

But he might have been bi all along. A lot of bi's never tell their straight partners that they are bi. They are afraid of being rejected. Or just think it's none of their business.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> my 16 year old from a prev marriage phone broke, and I let him use my boyfriends old phone and there was all this stuff on it, at the time my boyfriend was out to sea, and figured he wouldnt mind. and then I started searching on his computer and found all his secrets. the when he got home from being out to sea, he confused to everything, told me hadnt been happy for awhile and he gets really excited seeing trans people and he went in this chat room and there were a few he had just had cyber sex with but this one he really connected with and after a month of chatting with the trans, he met her at her house and had sex.


So he confessed to what you found. Did he confess to anything that you did not find?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> A transvestite is a man who dresses like a woman. I would not call a man who does this a woman. I know some people are into the political correct thing that we need to call a person what they want to be called. I'm more realistic. It he has a dong he's a man. In your case, I think that you calling this person a 'woman' or 'her' will only serve to confuse you more.
> 
> Your husband met with a transvestite to have homosexual sex. It's high unlikely it was his first time.


I cant do this, I cant... this is so wrong to me. I wish he would of said I am done I dont want you. and then we are suppose to make this work how I dont have a penis


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So he confessed to what you found. Did he confess to anything that you did not find?


I didnt tell him everything I knew, I said there were pics of his privates and pics of girls, I knew they were transvisites but I didnt tell him I knew that, and when he got home, I said please explain this to me and he confessed I guess everything, he told me names things he did, the transvisite he had sex with, he said he lied to me about being at work, he drove 40minutes to have sex with that person, he told me he has been cyber sexing with those people for about a year, he told me that when he was driving home after what he did, he reliezed how wrong it was and how he vowed to himself never to do it again, and he deactived his accoutns and cut all ties in feb after he cheated on me


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Since you had a good sex life for a long time I doubt he's purely homosexual.
> 
> But he might have been bi all along. A lot of bi's never tell their straight partners that they are bi. They are afraid of being rejected. Or just think it's none of their business.


he has been in the military over 20 years, so that explains why he wouldnt tell me he was bi. and honestly up until my son moved in last year, our life together was good, we would sit and talk about whatever, he would call me on his lunch breaks and when he was coming home he called me to see how my day was, he showered me with attention, treated me like a queen.


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## Singleton (May 30, 2013)

kaye72 said:


> I didnt tell him everything I knew, I said there were pics of his privates and pics of girls, I knew they were transvisites but I didnt tell him I knew that, and when he got home, I said please explain this to me and he confessed I guess everything, he told me names things he did, the transvisite he had sex with, he said he lied to me about being at work, he drove 40minutes to have sex with that person, he told me he has been cyber sexing with those people for about a year, he told me that when he was driving home after what he did, he reliezed how wrong it was and how he vowed to himself never to do it again, and he deactived his accoutns and cut all ties in feb after he cheated on me


To me that sounds like a sexual/porn addiction or fetish thing. He may have started just watching porn and then after a while it was not enough. He needed more. Just like all addictions he is trying to fill the spiritual void with an addiction. However, sexual addiction is stronger than heroin addiction. They say addictions come paired. What is the other one?

We are sexual beings. We like some sexual things w/o always knowing why. It is hard to un-like sexual things you like. Look at the success of 50 Shades book. Most women like it. It is about BDSM. Two women I dated I found out are hard core BDSM. It does nothing for me! In my own eyes I was never "vanilla" but they say I am


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> I didnt tell him everything I knew, I said there were pics of his privates and pics of girls, I knew they were transvisites but I didnt tell him I knew that, and when he got home, I said please explain this to me and he confessed I guess everything, he told me names things he did, the transvisite he had sex with, he said he lied to me about being at work, he drove 40minutes to have sex with that person, he told me he has been cyber sexing with those people for about a year, he told me that when he was driving home after what he did, he reliezed how wrong it was and how he vowed to himself never to do it again, and he deactived his accoutns and cut all ties in feb after he cheated on me


He knew what was on the computer and his cell. So if you knew about part of it you he could be sure that you knew the rest.

I still highly doubt that this is all there is. 

First you need to decide if you even want to stay with him. The bottom line is that he cheated. He spent a year nothing being in your relationship and did nothing to let you know that he was unhappy. Instead he just started chasing tail. I'm sure that adding a teen boy to the household was stressful. But that's what life with a blended family it about.


Your concern that you do not have the equipment to satisfy his sexual needs is I think a real concern. I doubt that I could live with this. But some people do come to terms with it. This should be addressed only after you decide if you can even consider reconciliation after he cheated and after a year of his deceit and lies.

You might need to seek out counseling first to work through this.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

For these actions he is completely to blame, you aren’t at fault to driving him to have relations with another. Has he stopped or is his going to chat rooms etc still going on? For the moment this isn’t about whether it was he/she or whatever. 

You say he has confessed to you regarding the situation, what is he now doing to try and repair the relationship with you? Have you done any investigating to find out if what he has said is everything? You rarely get the full story initially.

You are probably still in a little bit of shock over all of this and that is normal. Your first instinct is to want to save the relationship especially since you have kids together but until the two of you really start to work on it you wont know for sure whether to end the relationship or not.

Finding a MC would probably be your best bet so you can address these issues. You will need to decide if you want to continue the relationship with what you know and if you feel he can begin to earn your trust back. Its takes a great deal of work on both parties to do it but the bulk of that will have to come from him


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Singleton said:


> To me that sounds like a sexual/porn addiction or fetish thing. He may have started just watching porn and then after a while it was not enough. He needed more. Just like all addictions he is trying to fill the spiritual void with an addiction. However, sexual addiction is stronger than heroin addiction



I agree with this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pamvhv said:


> If a person is trans and identifies as a female you should respect that and not call them a her/he. They are a her.


 I have gay friends and have no issue with it because they are just acknowledging the reality of their own sexual preference. Being gay is something real. Trans on the other hand is different in that it is asking you to acknowledge a fantasy that is not reality. If a person has male parts in their pants and not female parts, they are male no matter how much they wish that it were not so. 



Pamvhv said:


> Does he want to continue the relationship with you? If so I would suggest counseling for him and you separately and couples counseling together to figure out this mess.


 You have it backwards. He cheated on her. Instead of asking if he wants "to continue the relationship" with her, you should be asking her if she wants "to continue the relationship" with him. Being trans or gay does not give you a pass on cheating.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

kaye72 said:


> I honestly dont know what to call them, I wish I knew, I never had to deal with this, I mean is he secretly gay or bi, I dont understand, I really dont,


It not hard to understand if you let yourself understand and you've likely been dealing with it a while. You just didn't know it. If a man knowingly and willfully has sex with another man, it means he's sexually attracted to other males. At a minimum, he'll play for either team. Curious he claimed? The only curious part of male on male sex that's ever crossed my mind is how can a male find another male sexy. Sorry my girl but you've latched on to a guy that swings both ways.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I would not call a man who does this a woman.


I'm with you Ele. I've got blue eyes, about the same height, and can dress like Butch Cassidy but ain't nobody going to call me Paul Newman.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You need this guy out of your life today. You have a teenage son who had at best a strained relationship with this guy. Now, teenage son picks up his phone and finds "all this stuff"? What? Dating sites? Pics of his junk? Your son will never respect this guy again, nor should he. So you going to continue the stress of having both in your life around you? And here's a hint, you can't ditch the son.

I hope you keep an eye on your teenage son. Get him into counseling if he needs it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is cheating. This needs to be addressed by him.

He must be willing to work on his cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

honcho said:


> For these actions he is completely to blame, you aren’t at fault to driving him to have relations with another. Has he stopped or is his going to chat rooms etc still going on? For the moment this isn’t about whether it was he/she or whatever.
> 
> You say he has confessed to you regarding the situation, what is he now doing to try and repair the relationship with you? Have you done any investigating to find out if what he has said is everything? You rarely get the full story initially.
> 
> ...


since he has been home, he shows me alot of attention, he says loves me and wants me.. but to me is that because he wants us or is it because he got caught? from cell phone records, it looks like contact with the other person stopped in feb, but as for chat rooms and stuff I dont he told me he stopped it in feb. and yes I do blame me because if I wouldnt of brought my son into this, he wouldnt of cheated on me, I was tryin to parent my child the way I thought and I didnt include him, I just pushed him away


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> It not hard to understand if you let yourself understand and you've likely been dealing with it a while. You just didn't know it. If a man knowingly and willfully has sex with another man, it means he's sexually attracted to other males. At a minimum, he'll play for either team. Curious he claimed? The only curious part of male on male sex that's ever crossed my mind is how can a male find another male sexy. Sorry my girl but you've latched on to a guy that swings both ways.



so he is bi, how does that happen, I seen who he has dated and most of them are freaking hot, not that I am chopped liver, but still. he never once let me know he liked males. how I dont understand this?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

TRy said:


> I have gay friends and have no issue with it because they are just acknowledging the reality of their own sexual preference. Being gay is something real. Trans on the other hand is different in that it is asking you to acknowledge a fantasy that is not reality. If a person has male parts in their pants and not female parts, they are male no matter how much they wish that it were not so.
> 
> You have it backwards. He cheated on her. Instead of asking if he wants "to continue the relationship" with her, you should be asking her if she wants "to continue the relationship" with him. Being trans or gay does not give you a pass on cheating.



but if he says he is done, then he isnt really done, because I dont have a penis, I cant give him what he needs, or maybe for awhile I can before he finds another to have sex with, I just cant believe 8 years and he just tossed it away for some petite big boobed transvite. and then I think did they have oral, I cant imagion how he would want me after that. it explains why he doesnt like it in females


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It appears he likes males and females, and even combinations thereof.

Not a thing wrong with that, except this is something be shouldn't have hidden from you before you began having a long term relationship and having children with him. How did you guys meet? Were you long time friends? Never had an idea?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP I am very sorry for the position you are in. 

Cheating is cheating and he cheated 

Have you taken some time to consider what you want and need. 

Have you tried counseling either IC or mc. It really does help if you get a good counselor. 

Do not blame yourself for his cheating. That is on him. 

My concern is that this is not the first time. Simply the first time you found out about it. 

Stop worrying about what he wants and start focusing on what you want. Once you have an idea move forward from that perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> It appears he likes males and females, and even combinations thereof.
> 
> Not a thing wrong with that, except this is something be shouldn't have hidden from you before you began having a long term relationship and having children with him. How did you guys meet? Were you long time friends? Never had an idea?


we met on myspace 9 years ago, and got married shortly after that, not once did I have a clue that this what he was into, he seemed so straight to me, and until last year I believed between my son and his work, he was just tired and distant, like he needed space, so I backed off thinking he would come back to me, I talked to his ex before me and asked her if he had an kinks and she said none, he was prettty straight forward. I didnt give her details of what is going on it was more general girl chat (she is a family friend).


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

workindad said:


> OP I am very sorry for the position you are in.
> 
> Cheating is cheating and he cheated
> 
> ...


I am going to a counsling this week, and he agreed to MC... but as for what I want, i just want my life back, I want us to be like it used to be, I dont want this to end.. before this, I believed we had a good life and he lvoed me and wanted only me. he never let on he wanted anyone else.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

By the sound of things it seems to me that your BF is playing you. Cheaters like it when we stick around and they still continue to snow us. I doubt that you got the whole story. I doubt if this is something new.

Do the 180 hard. I have a feeling that he is lying.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

kaye72 said:


> I am going to a counsling this week, and he agreed to MC... but as for what I want, i just want my life back,* I want us to be like it used to be*, I dont want this to end.. before this, I believed we had a good life and he lvoed me and wanted only me. he never let on he wanted anyone else.


Unfortunately it will never go back to the way it used to be. You both need intensive counseling, in addition to the marriage counseling. It is going to take a ton of work from both of you. 

And as Thorburn and workingdad says, this assumes you have the truth and not just the tip of the iceberg. 

How is your teenage son doing? What is his thoughts of all this? As I said before I'm concerned about his attitude due to what he saw.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Unfortunately it will never go back to the way it used to be. You both need intensive counseling, in addition to the marriage counseling. It is going to take a ton of work from both of you.
> 
> And as Thorburn and workingdad says, this assumes you have the truth and not just the tip of the iceberg.
> 
> How is your teenage son doing? What is his thoughts of all this? As I said before I'm concerned about his attitude due to what he saw.


after my son found out he left, he moved in with a friend, he wont talk to me, I tried calling, I tried showing up, but he refuses to say anything... I called his dad to go talk to him but he wont even talk to his dad... I texted him last night to see how he was doin and he told me to go f myself


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

Thorburn said:


> By the sound of things it seems to me that your BF is playing you. Cheaters like it when we stick around and they still continue to snow us. I doubt that you got the whole story. I doubt if this is something new.
> 
> Do the 180 hard. I have a feeling that he is lying.



so he prob isnt done with this, and there is no way to prove this.. the only thing now when he comes home from work he doesnt run for the computer, he actually eats dinner at the table and we watch tv together, he holds my hand, kisses me when he walks in the door, so now I wonder if that is all an act...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

kaye72 said:


> after my son found out he left, he moved in with a friend, he wont talk to me, I tried calling, I tried showing up, but he refuses to say anything... I called his dad to go talk to him but he wont even talk to his dad... I texted him last night to see how he was doin and he told me to go f myself


Why is he so angry with you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> since he has been home, he shows me alot of attention, he says loves me and wants me.. but to me is that because he wants us or is it because he got caught? from cell phone records, it looks like contact with the other person stopped in feb, but as for chat rooms and stuff I dont he told me he stopped it in feb. *and yes I do blame me because if I wouldnt of brought my son into this, he wouldnt of cheated on me, I was tryin to parent my child the way I thought and I didnt include him, I just pushed him away*


Get real here. Your son is your responsibility. He comes before your bf. Your son was in your life before you hooked up with this guy. You are you son's mother. As his mother it's your responsibility to raise your child. 

If a man cannot handle it when a woman is raising her child then he has no business in her life.

You found out something really bad about your bf. He does not behave like an adult then pressure is put on the relationship.

Furthermore, your bf really has no problem cheating. He's away from home a lot with his work. The chances are that he's been cheating all along with men. You only know what you have discovered. 

The only person responsible for his cheating is your bf. He had other choices, such as to actually talk to you and work things out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> but if he says he is done, then he isnt really done, because I dont have a penis, I cant give him what he needs, or maybe for awhile I can before he finds another to have sex with, I just cant believe 8 years and he just tossed it away for some petite big boobed transvite. and then I think did they have oral, I cant imagion how he would want me after that. it explains why he doesnt like it in females


Why he does not like what in females?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Why is he so angry with you?


I wish I knew I have tried several times to talk to him, he just wont talk to me, I call him everyday, sometimes 2-3 times.. text him throughout the day


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Get real here. Your son is your responsibility. He comes before your bf. Your son was in your life before you hooked up with this guy. You are you son's mother. As his mother it's your responsibility to raise your child.
> 
> If a man cannot handle it when a woman is raising her child then he has no business in her life.
> 
> ...


I know my son comes before my bf but how do I talk to him when he wont talk to me?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Primarily, the problem is that your husband has cheated on you. That's bad enough. But also, to some degree, he's in to mens' body parts - whatever you want to call it.

That makes the cheating all the more difficult to overcome, because you now also have to deal with his possible latent homosexuality; something that you can't compete with as a woman. Can that be fixed? Should it be fixed? How can you be sure?

Very difficult to R under those circumstances.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why he does not like what in females?



he doesnt prefer giving oral sex with woman, he will do it every couple months


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Primarily, the problem is that your husband has cheated on you. That's bad enough. But also, to some degree, he's in to mens' body parts - whatever you want to call it.
> 
> That makes the cheating all the more difficult to overcome, because you now also have to deal with his possible latent homosexuality; something that you can't compete with as a woman. Can that be fixed? Should it be fixed? How can you be sure?
> 
> Very difficult to R under those circumstances.



I am so lost, I want to understand I just dont know how or what to do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> after my son found out he left, he moved in with a friend, he wont talk to me, I tried calling, I tried showing up, but he refuses to say anything... I called his dad to go talk to him but he wont even talk to his dad... I texted him last night to see how he was doin and he told me to go f myself


Does your son know that you blame him for your H cheating, with a transvestite no less? 

How much did you discuss all this with your son?

I can see why your son will not talk to you. Most teen males will have a problem with men who are attracted to transvestites. Most will have a problem with their step father being a closet bi-sexual and/or gay. 

Your son is most likely very disturbed with what your H did. He more disturbed that you have been hurt like this. And then to top it off you are looking for every angle keep this man around.

You need to look at this from your son's point of view for a bit.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

kaye72 said:


> I wish I knew I have tried several times to talk to him, he just wont talk to me, I call him everyday, sometimes 2-3 times.. text him throughout the day


Well, like I said earlier, the relationship between your boyfriend and your son was not good to begin with - for whatever reason. Hopefully just benign reasons and nothing more.

Now, your son has seen a glimpse into your boyfriends despicable behavior. And yet you choose to stay with him. I have. To wonder if that is the root of your sons anger?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> I know my son comes before my bf but how do I talk to him when he wont talk to me?


How much have you talked to your son about what your H did? 

Did you tell your son that you think your H did this because you son moved in?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

kaye72 said:


> I am so lost, I want to understand I just dont know how or what to do


In this situation, I don't feel comfortable suggesting you divorce him because of this.

So, I'll just tell you what I "imagine" that I would do.I don't think I would trust that he could change his preferences, and stay faithful at the same time. I would move on.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I think your son is disgusted by the whole thing. He is misplacing his anger. BAck off trying to contact him as often as you are. He is trying to sort things out.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does your son know that you blame him for your H cheating, with a transvestite no less?
> 
> How much did you discuss all this with your son?
> 
> ...


I do not blame my son at all, just because found the evidence doesnt make him at fault, i told him that, I said this is no way your fault, all my son knows is that there are other girls he doesnt know they are transivites, he doesnt know that my bf was them, he just saw girls and dic pics.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

badmemory said:


> In this situation, I don't feel comfortable suggesting you divorce him because of this.
> 
> So, I'll just tell you what I "imagine" that I would do.I don't think I would trust that he could change his preferences, and stay faithful at the same time. I would move on.


do I move on with him or without him? I mean you said you dont suggest divorce, can we make this work??


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How much have you talked to your son about what your H did?
> 
> Did you tell your son that you think your H did this because you son moved in?


no I didnt say that to him at all, my son knows since he moved in things have gone to hell and I said to my son its just an adjustment we are a family this will work out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> I do not blame my son at all, just because found the evidence doesnt make him at fault, i told him that, I said this is no way your fault, all my son knows is that there are other girls he doesnt know they are transivites, he doesnt know that my bf was them, he just saw girls and dic pics.





kaye72 said:


> since he has been home, he shows me alot of attention, he says loves me and wants me.. but to me is that because he wants us or is it because he got caught? from cell phone records, it looks like contact with the other person stopped in feb, but as for chat rooms and stuff I dont he told me he stopped it in feb. and *yes I do blame me because if I wouldnt of brought my son into this, he wouldnt of cheated on me, *I was tryin to parent my child the way I thought and I didnt include him, I just pushed him away


While you say above that you do not blame your son, you do in a round about way. You son knows this... kids are remarkably perceptive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> no I didnt say that to him at all, my son knows since he moved in things have gone to hell and I said to my son its just an adjustment we are a family this will work out.


Your son knows that your bf cheated. He knows about the bf's bad behavior because your son found the photos, etc. So you must have talked to him about the situation on some level.

This is drama that your son does not want to deal with. He certainly does not want to watch his mother being mistreated as you have been.

It's drama that a kid does not need.

I assume that your son was living with his father. Why did he move in with your? What were the reasons?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

kaye72 said:


> do I move on with him or without him? I mean you said you dont suggest divorce, can we make this work??


No, I'm sorry I wasn't clear.

What I was saying is that instead of me just flat out telling you that divorce is your only option; I'm telling you what "I" would do.

For me, it would be just too much to overcome. Too much to expect, given the transvestite issue. By move on, I mean "I" would divorce him. 

But I'm not a woman, so I don't feel completely comfortable with giving unconditional advice to a woman in this situation.


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your son knows that your bf cheated. He knows about the bf's bad behavior because your son found the photos, etc. So you must have talked to him about the situation on some level.
> 
> This is drama that your son does not want to deal with. He certainly does not want to watch his mother being mistreated as you have been.
> 
> ...



my son moved in with us because he step mom was verbally abusive to him and he was failing in school, and he isnt living with his dad he is with a friend for now.. no we didnt discuss it much, he said hey theres these pics and I looked and saw and said wow, the next morning my son was gone


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Bring your son back. It's not his fault. You H chose to do this because he wanted to. He has probably wanted to (or already engaged in that behavior) long before you showed up. 

If you husband couldn't work out 2 years of having a teenager in the house (because your son will be 18 soon), then obviously his issues are bigger than just your son moving in. 

It's likely been going on for far longer than you want to believe. 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> my son moved in with us because he step mom was verbally abusive to him and he was failing in school, and he isnt living with his dad he is with a friend for now.. no we didnt discuss it much, he said hey theres these pics and I looked and saw and said wow, the next morning my son was gone


Thanks for the clarification. 

Your son has been abused in his father's home by his step-mom.

Then he comes to your home, the home life falls apart presumably because he moved in... then he finds that nonsense on the cell phone. He already did not get along with your bf.

It seems that your son does not feel like he can deal with the drama in your home. I can understand why.

The question is why are you putting up with the nonsense from your bf?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Thanks for the clarification.
> 
> Your son has been abused in his father's home by his step-mom.
> 
> ...



because I dont know what to do, it seems in the last 3 weeks my life is upside down, I dont know which way to go, I feel lost, I told my mom but she cant help with my dad dying, I have nowhere to go no one to talk to, and my mom said you made your bed lie in it.. then I talked to my sons friend mom and said he needs to come home but that didnt work.. so its like I cant do this, I dotn know what to do//


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If I were you. And I'm not. But IF I was in your situation. I don't see how your relationship with the boyfriend is salvageable. And I certainly don't see the relationship between he and your son EVER being salvageable. Boys are protective of their mothers. They will to some extent put up with sh!t that their own fathers put their mothers through. They will NOT put up with ANY sh!t that their atepfathers or mothers boyfriend puts mohther through.

The Boyfriend needs to move out. He makes regular child support payments for the younger children.

Get teenage son - and all kids if necessary - into counseling. He's 16. He knows the score. He knows what dating sights and naked pics are for. He also knows you were betrayed in the worst way possible, and now boyfriend is home, acting sweet, kisses and cuddling. I would be out the door too if I was 16 and watching that.

Teenage son also has some anger issues that need to be resolved. What was the problem with stepmom? Is he doing better in school? Does he have aspirations to go to college? 

The kid is at a crossroads. Which path are you going to lead him down?


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Bring your son back. It's not his fault. You H chose to do this because he wanted to. He has probably wanted to (or already engaged in that behavior) long before you showed up.
> 
> If you husband couldn't work out 2 years of having a teenager in the house (because your son will be 18 soon), then obviously his issues are bigger than just your son moving in.
> 
> ...



I guess its over, because I lost my BF, I lost my son, I lost everything, I have nothing at all... I am ****ty gf a ****ty mother.. nothing in my life has ever been good I seem to **** it up all the time


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If I were you. And I'm not. But IF I was in your situation. I don't see how your relationship with the boyfriend is salvageable. And I certainly don't see the relationship between he and your son EVER being salvageable. Boys are protective of their mothers. They will to some extent put up with sh!t that their own fathers put their mothers through. They will NOT put up with ANY sh!t that their atepfathers or mothers boyfriend puts mohther through.
> 
> The Boyfriend needs to move out. He makes regular child support payments for the younger children.
> 
> ...


because he dropped out of school and doesnt care about anything, and his attitude towards my bf and I has been this way for about 5-6 months now, I tried counsling for him, I didnt know he dropped out of school until the school called me for truency, I said were you been for the last 2 months he said he didnt know, he started doing drugs about 3 months ago, which I tried talkin to him about but he just wouldnt listen, I took away his phone, his car curfew at 9 pm, he still did whatever he wanted


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## kaye72 (Jul 14, 2014)

kaye72 said:


> because he dropped out of school and doesnt care about anything, and his attitude towards my bf and I has been this way for about 5-6 months now, I tried counsling for him, I didnt know he dropped out of school until the school called me for truency, I said were you been for the last 2 months he said he didnt know, he started doing drugs about 3 months ago, which I tried talkin to him about but he just wouldnt listen, I took away his phone, his car curfew at 9 pm, he still did whatever he wanted


he left before my bf got home, he hasnt seen my bf since he left to go out to see in april, and I found this out on fathers day in june.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

All may not be lost. I know this is an emotional time for you so take your time when making decisions and find a counselor you can relate to. 

I would have a hard time moving forward in your shoes with your significant other but I am not you. 

You need to figure out what you can work through with him. Maybe it is salvageable maybe not. You do not need to decide today.

Your sons anger does seem misplaced as stated before. If he is in a safe place give him a little time to cool off. Let him know that is what you are doing. He still needs parents. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72 said:


> I guess its over, because I lost my BF, I lost my son, I lost everything, I have nothing at all... I am ****ty gf a ****ty mother.. nothing in my life has ever been good I seem to **** it up all the time


Stop taking responsibility for your bf cheating. He owns that 100%.

If you want to save your relationship with your son and be a parent to him, tell your bf to leave.

Then tell your son that the bf is gone and you want him home with you. Tell him that he's more important to you than your cheating bf. It's something that your so needs to hear from his mother.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You are not to blame for your boyfriend 1. Being into dudes, or 2. Him cheating on you. All that is 100% on him. You didn't force him to cheat. If you as a couple had issues then it should have been discussed. Instead he went online to look for hook up partners. That's on him.

Your son. I am sorry you are in this situation with him. You need to be working with your ex husband to come up with a plan to get him help. If he doesn't get help now for the anger, the drugs, the truancy it will affect him for the rest of his life. 

You may want to also post on the parenting forums to get some help here.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

NOt all is lost. A hugh set back, a hugh hit in the stomach. Many of us have been here.

1. STD check.
2. Lawyer up.
3. If it was me I would ask the BF to leave. I don't know your living conditions, home, rent, etc. 
4. In time your relationship with your son will improve.


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

IMO real simple. Kids before spouse. Your BF isn't even married to you (after 8 years!!).


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

kaye72 said:


> I dont understand how he could do this, how he would want to be with them, I cook,clean,work a full time job and take care of the kids, and its like what is it I dont have that makes you want them more then me. he told me that it was just once and it was in feb and he is done and now wants to commit to us. but I dont know how.and having sex seems to be my way of connecting, tryin to get past this move forward. how do I leave, I how do just say I cant do it. I already failed one marriage, hince why we arent married.


You don't understand, you say/

What I don't understand is why would you want to be with such a loser boyfriend? 

There are other far more important questions that you have not asked yourself, like:

Why are my standards so low?

Why am I a welcome mat to put up with such degrading treatment?

Why would I place so much value in the horrible relationship that I have?

Why am I feeling so confused when the picture of what is happening so crystal clear?

Answer THOSE questions and you might find yourself getting on the right track.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kaye72,

How's it going?


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