# Miscarriage and Separation



## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I hope this can be the place where I can find support for this difficult time in our lives. I had a D&C procedure due to miscarriage last week. The night I came back from the hospital, my husband asked me about our compatibility as couple and I said that we were not compatible on everything but as long as we support each other, everything would be fine. However, he doesn't think that way and he asked me for a divorce. I tried to talk to him with a long conversation the next day with tears and his reasons are that I don't clean well enough and he wants to be free to travel without asking me or bringing me. I was very devastated and told him those are just small things in life and not a reasonable grounds for divorce. But my words are only water to his ears so he moved out that weekend. I didn't even have the chance to grieve my baby and he could do this to me. I am very disappointed.

However, I tried to accept the situation and find support from friends and family. I also start to read a book on how to cope with grief and heal and it's very helpful. Sometimes I still think about him with questions on why he did that to me and he still can say that he loves me but he chose to leave me because he doesn't want arguments about cleaning and time together.

Would anyone give me some advice on how to cope with this? Thank you in advance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage and for your husband walking out on you when you need him the most. Each of these are hard on their own, together they are a lot to have to handle.

How far along were you in your pregnancy?

From experience, the way to get through this is just to handle it one day at a time. Get as much support as you can from family and friends. There are organizations that give support for these life events. Counseling might help as well. 

It sounds to me like your husband used things like cleaning as an excuse. You are right that this is a trivial. Did he help with housework? Do you work outside the home?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Seems sudden. Has this been coming over time?

If not I hate to say it but it smells like an affair. 

Read the affair signs. Anything amiss?


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

I was 9 weeks a long. I work full time and contribute as much as him. Sometimes he helped with house work but not always. When he noticed something need to be cleaned, he just asked me to do it and didnt do it by himself. I think my house look like any typical house and we have 2 dogs so it can't be clean all the time. I do laundry for him, cook, and we also live with his sister who is a high school senior. 

Regarding something that could be an affair, I found some text from him to his coworker but that girl rejected him because she has a bf. Also, I found out he has an ****** Maddison account and I was able to find his username and guess his password and able to log in but all messages were deleted. Also, one night he has strange moves in the bedroom. He never admitted to it when I asked. 

Do you think that could be it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

kaleidoscope said:


> I was 9 weeks a long. I work full time and contribute as much as him. Sometimes he helped with house work but not always. When he noticed something need to be cleaned, he just asked me to do it and didnt do it by himself. I think my house look like any typical house and we have 2 dogs so it can't be clean all the time. I do laundry for him, cook, and we also live with his sister who is a high school senior.
> 
> Regarding something that could be an affair, I found some text from him to his coworker but that girl rejected him because she has a bf. Also, I found out he has an ****** Maddison account and I was able to find his username and guess his password and able to log in but all messages were deleted. Also, one night he has strange moves in the bedroom. He never admitted to it when I asked.
> 
> Do you think that could be it?


Bingo! Now you know what you're up against. 

He's a cheater. Get an STD test immediately!!!

Then file for divorce. He's in love with himself not you. All this stuff he's blaming you for is just an excuse to justify his actions.

This is all on him. Move on and don't waste your life on this scum.

Sorry for you and I wish you the best. You deserve better!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Some helpful facts. He'll blame you for anything he can think of. This is not your fault!!!!

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. It's 100% his fault. No marriage is perfect but cheating is no excuse. 

I'd expose him for what he is. Keep the evidence for your attourney in case you need it.


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Thank you. I just wish that I have concrete evidence that he cheated. But as you said, he doesn't deserve me so I cut contact and remove him from my facebook already. It hurts but I'll keep thinking positively that it is an opportunity for me to find someone that truly love me. For now, Ill work on myself first.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You may never get concrete evidence. You know from what you have what the truth is.

You're human this is going to hurt and will take some time. He has major problems that you can't fix. It sounds like you haven't been married long and don't have kids. Be thankful.

Any man who would do this in your condition doesn't deserve a second of your time. You did nothing to ever deserve this. 

Your life will be what you make of it. You can and will get through this and find someone who is worthy of you.

I wish you the very best going forward.


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Thank you again! Your words are very inspiring. I will not ever forgive him for this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Kaleidoscope, I'm sorry for your pain. I went through a miscarriage as well. Everyone is different but it took me a good year to get over the pain. 

A very wise poster here used to say when their words and their actions seem to conflict, watch their actions.

So your H tells you shortly after you lost your child that you don't clean well enough and he wants out? Does that make sense, well, no it really doesn't. It seems illogical.

Then you discover texts between your H and a co-worker where the co-worker rejected your H's advancements. So you do have evidence that he was making some kind of overtures towards another woman and was shot down. Would he have gone through with it? You don't know.

And you know that he was on a well-known dating site for married people. Would he go through with that? Still don't know.

What you do know is that he has taken two concrete actions that are in conflict with your marriage. And now he has chosen to leave. Coward. He could stay and see if the two of you could work on your relationship, but that is apparently too hard for him.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the way you clean the house. Don't ever give that lame excuse another thought. You are being treated abysmally by your H.
Have you sought out counseling? Ask your MD for some suggestions. Post here when you need to, it helps.


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Thanks Pluto2. I think I have realized how terrible he is to me. I found one more Plenty of Fish account and he's been actively talking to girls right after he moved out. At this point, I don't think I need to wonder why he wants to leave anymore. He just doesn't deserve my love. I am looking into some support group or therapy and hopefully I'll find someone compassionate to help me get through this. I appreciate your support!


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Hi everyone. So today I feel much better than 2 weeks ago. I start to focus on myself by eating healthy, going to gym, and start on my CPA exam. I actually feel more happy than when he was still living with me. We communicate but just for business like he still needs to pick up a few more things from the house. We don't talk about our relationship anymore since he will not understand no matter what. I know he's enjoy his single life right now and actively talking to girls. That makes me sad but I pick up myself right away because it doesn't matter. I will be self-filing the divorce soon since we agreed on everything. Im still healing from this and I know this would be good for myself. Thanks for reading!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that you are doing a lot better. 

Sounds like you will be pretty busy in the near future with your CPA exam. That might be a good thing to keep you focused on moving forward.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

On a side note.

When studying for the CPA exam. 

Study each chapter in detail. Do a review and if you score below 90% on the sample tests restudy that chapter. 

Before the official exam drink Two cups of coffee.

Works like a charm!!!!


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Thank you Marc! Are you a fellow accountant too? It's nice to meet someone having the same career!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep CPA. Like you'll be soon I hope.

I'm in manufacturing operations but there are many areas and since there has always been a huge demand you can live practically anywhere you want. 

I like to be near the ocean but to each his/her own.

Good luck


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Yes, that's my goal to become a CPA. I'm an accountant at a university. I love the ocean too so someday I will move to some where near the coast. Good luck to you too.


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Hi everyone,

So it's been a month since my husband left. Last night, he texted me to ask how I am and told me he couldn't sleep. I texted back saying that he should not contact me since he's the one who left and I am moving on. Do you that's ok for me to say or should I say something else?

Thank you!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't respond at all. He'll probably contact you from time to time as his gf's don't work out to see if you might be available as a backup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi K, he's either fishing or feeling guilty about the situation. Either way, its his problem and the more you engage him the more you make it your problem. You told him not to contact you and I would end it at that.

How are you doing? Did you find a support group?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

kaleidoscope said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> So it's been a month since my husband left. Last night, he texted me to ask how I am and told me he couldn't sleep. I texted back saying that he should not contact me since he's the one who left and I am moving on. Do you that's ok for me to say or should I say something else?
> 
> Thank you!


He is probably reaching out because men tend to want what they can not have. It is kind of like the Groucho Marx club membership.










If he truly love you and cared for you, your miscarriage would have been a moment for the relationship to shine and give comfort to each other.

Do stay away from this guy, as he has obviously demonstrated that he does not care for your wellbeing. If he keeps texting, have some other guy reply back to him! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Hi Pluto2,
Yeah. I will end it at that since I want to move on with my life. I didn't find a support group with my hectic schedule but I have a few good friends here that I can hang out and talk to. I am also writing a journal so that helps a lot. Just getting excited to be single and do all the things that I've been wanting to do. I'm keeping myself healthy by going to gym after work and have plans with my career.  

Thank you for everyone's help in this forum.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm so very very sorry that you have to go through this. Losing both your H and your child must be beyond horrible. Years back when I lost my job and then my wife threatened to leave with the kids because she felt I was all of the sudden no good anymore it really took a miracle to put myself back together. I read books by Phillip Yancy and Joni Earickson to give me perspective. Joni went through a spinal injury when she was a teenager and her books helped get me back on track. It's hard when the one you are supposed to depend on is times like this turn their back on you. Now is when you find out who really has back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

kaleidoscope said:


> Hi Pluto2,
> Yeah. I will end it at that since I want to move on with my life. I didn't find a support group with my hectic schedule but I have a few good friends here that I can hang out and talk to. I am also writing a journal so that helps a lot. Just getting excited to be single and do all the things that I've wanting to do. I'm keeping myself healthy by going to gym after work and have plans with my career.
> 
> Thank you for everyone's help in this forum.


Stay strong. This type of man will always cheat.

You deserve better. I'd go dark and block him. He is not worthy of one second of your time. 

Taken your exams yet? Good luck to you


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

So sorry for your loss. Loosing a pregnancy is so hard. That is the time for a couple to stand together and support and comfort each other. 

Instead your ex (or soon to be ex) was thinking of himself, and I guess worrying that might be caught soon, so he ran. 

As others have said, expect him to try to get back. DO NOT let him. His behaviour demonstrated what he is really like. His lame excuses should be ignored. Handle his messages however you feel comfortable, personally I would try to be polite until the divorce is final, but after that be distant.

I am not surprised he has trouble sleeping. But he picked his own bed and can sleep in it (or not).

You seem to be moving forward as well as might be hoped for. Keep talking to your friends. At times like this you find out who your true friends are, the ones who will sit with you through the awkward silences, even if they don't know what to say. Grieve over your loss however seems right to you and in your own time.

And try to get a support group, even if hard to schedule.


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Thanks Marc878. I haven't taken my exam yet. I scheduled to take the Audit section in early January so I have time to review. I'll try my best!


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. So the divorce paperwork is finalized by my lawyer and I met him yesterday at the court to file and serve him at the same time. I almost cried at first (I don't know why) but I was able to stop really quick. We were polite to each other and he told me about his sister and mom. I just listened. If everything's good with the default process, I will be divorced by January next year.

Later last night, he texted me to say that it was nice meeting me and how I was doing and what I've been up to. At first, I was polite to him and replied with simple answer but then I said he shouldn't text me more because I have moved on. Then he stops texting me. I don't know when he can stop texting me completely.

That's my update. Thank you again for helping me through this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Its probably best not to do the small talk, it just keeps you connected emotionally. Glad he's not delaying the paperwork for the Divorce.

How's the CPA stuff going? Are you going to do TAM taxes for us? LOL


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## kaleidoscope (May 23, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Its probably best not to do the small talk, it just keeps you connected emotionally. Glad he's not delaying the paperwork for the Divorce.
> 
> How's the CPA stuff going? Are you going to do TAM taxes for us? LOL


Hi Pluto2,
Yes, I'll not do small talk with him. The CPA stuff is good so far. I will take the exam in January so hopefully I will pass. 

I'll do your taxes if you guys live closer to me, lol! I actually will volunteer to be a tax preparer for low-income people this tax season and I'm excited about it!

Have a great day!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

kaleidoscope said:


> I actually will volunteer to be a tax preparer for low-income people this tax season and I'm excited about it!


That's a really nice thing to do. I'll bet it will help you feel better, too - it always makes me feel good when I do something nice for other people.

You sound like a great person. I'm sure there is better out there for you in your future!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

norajane said:


> That's a really nice thing to do. I'll bet it will help you feel better, too - it always makes me feel good when I do something nice for other people.
> 
> You sound like a great person. I'm sure there is better out there for you in your future!


Oy vey! The matchmaker in me want to fix the OP up with a very nice poster in the GTDS. But TAM rules and common decency will keep me quiet. Too soon for either of you. LOL


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I know I'm late but don't beg for him to come back if he doesn't want to. Just tell him you want to work on it and leave him alone. Maybe he is upset about the miscarriage and wanted to be left alone and acted out. He probably needs time.


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