# Wife of 18 years had an affair



## GonnaHert (Dec 14, 2017)

dd


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

File for a divorce immediately. The simple act of sleeping with him in YOUR bed.... should be enough.

Chances are..... this was going on longer than you were told. Cheaters lie....it's in their DNA.

I am sorry you are here. Do you have children?

EDIT-OP went poof......hmmmm


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

People can work through infidelity, but you have to decide if it is worth it to you. What you get at the other end is not what you had before, so you'll have to be OK with changes to your relationship. My wife had a EA/PA a few years ago and I divorced her over it. Whether I could have gotten past the cheating was irrelevant to me because there was no way I'd be able to look myself in the mirror and be happy with the man I was if I dropped my standards low enough to accept her as my wife. The best recommendation I can give is take a week or two to be with family/friends and think about what you want. Keep your distance from her and make a decision that's best for you and own that decision, just like she made her choice and has to own that herself. Those of us that have divorced over infidelity and took the time to improve ourselves usually report that a year or two later and we are exceedingly happy and enjoying life.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Chuck71 said:


> File for a divorce immediately. The simple act of sleeping with him in YOUR bed.... should be enough.
> 
> Chances are..... this was going on longer than you were told. Cheaters lie....it's in their DNA.
> 
> I am sorry you are here. Do you have children?


"in your bed" what the hell man?
They did it in the new home. Doesn't matter where. The new home represents an new beginning, a new/better life, a new brick in that wall of happiness. That home represents the beginning of a new kingdom.
Only God knows how much that husband had to work his ass off to put that new home to her feet and she **** right there by having sex with another man.

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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I’m sorry that you deleted your post.

First the wayward spouse (WS) vilifies their spouse to justify their affair. They find fault with nothing to make them feel less guilty. 

The mistake you made was to offer to work on the marriage right off the bat. One reason she had the affair is that she took you and your marriage for granted. Now you’re telling her that no matter what she’s done she will never risk losing you. Why should she respect you? If a business was begging you to accept their product for free, what would you think of the product?
Divorce should always be on the table. It takes time to divorce so you can always stop the process.

If you beg her to stay with you it sets the tone for the rest of your marriage. The other man (OM) will forever be the prize and you will be a participation trophy.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

GonnaHert said:


> *We* are trying to save our marriage, but I don't know.


Friend, you need to change your mindset. It shouldn't be "we", it should be "she". She should "try" and you should "decide". She needs to be the one who shows that she is desperate to save your marriage. You should be taking the time you need to decide what is best for *you*. That may eventually be divorce or it could be R, but you definitely shouldn't make a commitment to her right now. You need that time to see if she demonstrates that she is genuinely remorseful and that if even if she does, you will have the capacity to get past this. And your wife needs to experience the uncertainty of possibly loosing her husband for cheating. There's no way you can do that in two weeks.

And I hate to tell you, she's not off to a good start in the remorse department. I know this because she wouldn't tell you the name of the OM. Otherwise she's got quite a few consequences to accept before you even consider R.

-Has she completely ended contact with the OM?
-Has she sent him a no contact letter that you read first?
-Is she completely transparent with all her devices?
-Have you exposed her to the OM's wife, your family and her family? 
-When you do expose her, will she own what she did and accept this?
-Does she account for her time away from you?
-Has she agreed to be tested for STD's?
-Will she give you all the truthful details of the A and talk to you about it at any time?
-Does she show you with every look, word and action that she is willing to do anything to help your heal and save the marriage?

Every one of those questions needs to be answered with a yes before you even consider R. Every one.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Pepe1970 said:


> "in your bed" what the hell man?
> They did it in the new home. Doesn't matter where. The new home represents an new beginning, a new/better life, a new brick in that wall of happiness. That home represents the beginning of a new kingdom.
> Only God knows how much that husband had to work his ass off to put that new home to her feet and she **** right there by having sex with another man.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Believe this all you want. There is this weird trait where the bed, out of all places, appears to be sacrosanct for both genders. I've watched many a poster, predisposed to reconcile, file when they find out the affair happened in the marital bed.

Whelp, looks like he is moving on.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Believe this all you want. There is this weird trait where the bed, out of all places, appears to be sacrosanct for both genders. I've watched many a poster, predisposed to reconcile, file when they find out the affair happened in the marital bed.
> 
> Whelp, looks like he is moving on.


I completely understand that and also what you said before.
My point was, even if she didn't do it in the marital bed with another man. The fact of doing it in their NEW HOME, several times it seems to be the lowest of the lowest.

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Pepe1970 said:


> I completely understand that and also what you said before.
> My point was, even if she didn't do it in the marital bed with another man. The fact of doing it in their NEW HOME, several times it seems to be the lowest of the lowest.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I get exactly what you were saying. I'm saying this has happened before and the wishy washy went away when it was "the marital bed." The New Home part kept the person confused and thinking about reconciliation. It just a house we can start over." A few even started the down the road, but if they found out about the marital bed they lost their mind.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I get exactly what you were saying. I'm saying this has happened before and the wishy washy went away when it was "the marital bed." The New Home part kept the person confused and thinking about reconciliation. It just a house we can start over." A few even started the down the road, but if they found out about the marital bed they lost their mind.


Well I don't blame them

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

GonnaHert said:


> dd


I am very very sorry for your situation. I know what's that. My advice is for you to get busy because your mind will start playing those little movie videos and images about those two. I know why I'm telling you, my heart goes with you man.

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