# Angry and unstable wife



## habigh

Hi everyone,
my wife and have been married for about 2 years and have been dating before. Her instability and losing temper is killing me. I don't like to live like this anymore. She shouts on everything. She cannot work with anyone. She is actually doing PHD. But since I know her from senior year of undergrads, since then she was always unhappy with her supervisors and her teachers. She never accepts the opinion of people. She always create problems with people and asks me to fix it for her. I have always tell her what to do when things go wrong. 
Other than that she constatnly get angry with every thing. She expect me to behave perfect. Always do what she wants and agree with whatever she says unless there is something that needs to be fixed.
She probably has bipolar disorder and she knows about it. She started mood stabilizer medication for that recently.
I don't know what to do. I should stay and help her. But don't I deserve some happiness? If things go this way I will go crazy


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## unbelievable

At least she understands she has a problem and she's trying to do something about it. If she is bipolar, you're in for a real treat.


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## ThinkTooMuch

*Time to end the marriage*

habigh,

You have my sympathies. I married a woman like your wife, on many days anything could set her off, her anger was white hot, our bed ice cold. 

If you think she is bad now, just wait till you have kids and you become the other kid, the useless kid who doesn't do anything right.

For the sake of your life - leave now, divorce her now, don't wait until you feel miserable all the time, have trouble sleeping, don't do your job well. Whatever you do don't have children with her. If you think she's a difficult wife, just imagine her with powerless children.

google 
"your state" doit yourself divorce 

if you have little or no assets. You'll find forms you can fill out, and instructions. 

Decide where you will live, and make the necessary arrangements.

Open a bank account in your name only using your new address, fund it equitably, and get ready to go on with your life.

Don't bother talking about your plans ahead of time, when she is out of the house pack your stuff up and move it. When she comes home tell her you will be filing for divorce as nicely as possible, put the old keys on the table and walk out the door and the start of a potentially better life after you get past guilt and remorse. It won't be easy, but it will soon be a lot better.

Money will be a problem you will have to resolve sooner or later. I'll let others speak to this issue.

Please let us know that you've made the wise choice, my ex wife's BPD got worse with time, got much worse after the birth of our 2nd child. 

Mark


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## greenpearl

I really hope women can understand this. 
"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."
"It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife."

Women should be like water, soft and smooth. Men like to see women soft and smooth!

You can be very pretty and smart, but if you are angry all the time, very soon life will make your face look ugly. Nobody likes to see a stinky face.


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## greenpearl

No matter how much education she has, it doesn't mean she is wise. And people with high education tend to be arrogant. She needs wisdom!!! Medicine can only help her physically, not mentally. She needs wisdom!!! Where can she get it? She has to be humble first. She has to realize she needs it. Then there are many good books in the bookstores!!!


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## habigh

Thanks everyone for your help and advice Things have been calm in the recent days. I dont know if i can abondon her in this situation since i think it is not ethical and i dont know if can live with the guilt anyway. Furthermore she cannot take care of herself and her parents are in a different city than where we study. I probably should try to make her understand that you cannot make everyone and everything to work toward your interests. I hope i can tell her that without a big fight and i dont know if she can understand it or realize there is a problem. Any other idea or experience you can share?
Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal

I used to be that angry, unstable wife. I have healed but it has taken a long time and I put my husband through hell for 7 years before I took even one step towards changing.


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## DelinquentGurl

Has she been diagnosed by a professional or is she diagnosing herself?

If she truly does have BPD or is bi polar you have to understand that she cannot help it. However, she is obviously a smart woman so she should know enough about herself to realize that she needs help. If she needs help but refuses to get it, that is one thing.

Taking medication isn't enough, she needs therapy also. Is that something she is willing to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G

greenpearl said:


> I really hope women can understand this.
> "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."
> "It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife."
> 
> Women should be like water, soft and smooth. Men like to see women soft and smooth!
> 
> You can be very pretty and smart, but if you are angry all the time, very soon life will make your face look ugly. Nobody likes to see a stinky face.


:iagree: I learned from my mother not to be miserable. She is so hard to be around that she is lonely in her old age.


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## Mrs.G

unbelievable said:


> At least she understands she has a problem and she's trying to do something about it. *If she is bipolar, you're in for a real treat.*




I am bipolar and I function quite well, thanks. 
Not all of us are the same, just as not all diabetics are the same. It is an illness that can be managed; people go on to lead normal and successful lives despite having this disorder.


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## Mrs.G

*Stable Bipolars*



DelinquentGurl said:


> Has she been diagnosed by a professional or is she diagnosing herself?
> 
> If she truly does have BPD or is bi polar you have to understand that she cannot help it. However, she is obviously a smart woman so she should know enough about herself to realize that she needs help. If she needs help but refuses to get it, that is one thing.
> 
> Taking medication isn't enough, she needs therapy also. Is that something she is willing to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't buy this "she cannot help it" nonsense. I was once labeled as BPD and after one year of therapy, the clinician told me that I no longer suffered from BPD. I had to want to change and take the necessary steps. I wasn't going to give up and use the illness as an excuse.

Later, I was finally diagnosed correctly as bipolar. I educated myself about my meds, got my husband to read books about this disorder and I also attend therapy. I have recently scored 90 on the GAF scale, which means: Absent or minimal symptoms (e.g., mild anxiety before an exam), good functioning in all areas, interested and involved in a wide range of activities, socially effective, generally satisfied with life, no more than everyday problems or concerns (e.g., an occasional argument with family members). :smthumbup::smthumbup:

Those who struggle with mental illness are not helpless.


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## magnoliagal

*Re: Stable Bipolars*



Mrs.G said:


> Those who struggle with mental illness are not helpless.


Amen to this. However many will continue to use it as a reason not to change though.


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## rogerd

*Re: Time to end the marriage*

I think my wife was diagnosed as bi-polar, she's been gone 8 months living in a mental home. Of course everything is my fault so she says. I just wish I could forget her and move on. I filed for divorce and have a case number but she has a legal guardian so I don't know what will happen. After 27 years with her it is hard to let go, especially since I took care of her all those years.


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## DelinquentGurl

I don't believe it should be acceptable for people to hide behind their mental illness either. 
I think the majority of people in this world have the capability to change their lives. A lot of people are simply too lazy to try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G

DelinquentGurl said:


> I don't believe it should be acceptable for people to hide behind their mental illness either.
> I think the majority of people in this world have the capability to change their lives. A lot of people are simply too lazy to try.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree: It took a lot of work, but I knew it had to be done, or else I would end up committed for life. I refused to be institutionalized! :smthumbup:

I left the abusive environment that caused the mental illness. I was broke, but happier than I had been in years.  I attended therapy, even when it was emotionally wrenching. I take my meds even though I hate to and I try to be around positive people. I have accepted that I must try to live with my illness, instead of allowing it to control me. 

After more than 10 years, I have become adept at seeing signs of decline and dealing with them before they result in a hospital stay. Psych wards are as depressing as any cell block must be. The nurses are often abusive & callous.


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## johnnylimbo

Habigh, I will share my story. I hope it helps to inform the decision about your future.

Soon after I met my wife she admitted herself into the hospital for depression. I stayed with her and supported her. Soon after, she was out and we eventually married. My message to her has always been - as long as you continue to get help, I will be there for you. I love her because she accepts me for who I am. After the birth of our second child her depression became much worse. She was unable to continue working. Other events in her life like a miscarriage and the death of a parent have sent her depression into an even deeper hole. A side effect of her medication almost completely removes her desire for sex. When you think about your future ask yourself if you want your wife to be the mother of your children (if you want children). As you can see, after 20 years, I have my own issues to work out and being new to this discussion am also looking for advice and inspiration. Thanks.


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## Mrs.G

*Too Much Aggravation!*



johnnylimbo said:


> Habigh, I will share my story. I hope it helps to inform the decision about your future.
> 
> Soon after I met my wife she admitted herself into the hospital for depression. I stayed with her and supported her. Soon after, she was out and we eventually married. My message to her has always been - as long as you continue to get help, I will be there for you. I love her because she accepts me for who I am. After the birth of our second child her depression became much worse. She was unable to continue working. Other events in her life like a miscarriage and the death of a parent have sent her depression into an even deeper hole. A side effect of her medication almost completely removes her desire for sex. When you think about your future ask yourself if you want your wife to be the mother of your children (if you want children). As you can see, after 20 years, I have my own issues to work out and being new to this discussion am also looking for advice and inspiration. Thanks.


One of the reasons I refuse to have a child, is how difficult pregnancy and the first year of motherhood is for a bipolar woman. I spoke to my doctor about it and the steps would be as follows:

1.Change one of my pills, despite being on a kocktail that works.
2.Visit one of the top three children's hospitals in the entire world EVERY WEEK OF PREGNANCY to see an ob/gyn, psychiatrist and family doctor. It is half an hour away, but who wants to do that every week?? Not this lady!
3. Stay on the psych ward a week after my birth for observation/signs of post partum psychosis.
4. Have a nurse to visit me every day for the first 6 months. I could not be alone with my baby for the first year; they are afraid I could possibly hurt it, as schizo and bipolar mothers are prone to do. If a nurse could not be hired, I would need a female relative who is a mother and is aware of my condition.

Meh. Too much aggravation just to have a child._ If I need all of this coddling, I am not mentally capable of being a mother_. The stress would put me over the edge for good. Also, I am not comfortable with popping pills while I pregnant. When I was a nanny, I nearly tossed my young charge out of the window. The banshee would not stop crying no matter what I did; she had me in tears! If I felt that crazy just babysitting, I could never handle constant crying while my brain was drowned in hormones. 

Your wife is to be commended for having children despite her severe mood issues.


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## magnoliagal

*Re: Too Much Aggravation!*



Mrs.G said:


> One of the reasons I refuse to have a child, is how difficult pregnancy and the first year of motherhood is for a bipolar woman.


In hindsight I should not have become a mother given my mental issues. My therapist disagrees and says I've done really well with them. They have also been my biggest catalysts for change. They are the reason I am so driven to rise above my ptsd.


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## unbelievable

It's a Disorder, so, by definition, it is going to adversely affect relationships and other major life activities. Mine believes she functions quite well and that her Bipolar is never a problem, too. It's possible to have a functional relationship with someone who suffers from this condition but it won't always be Tea with the Queen.


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## Mrs.G

unbelievable said:


> It's a Disorder, so, by definition, it is going to adversely affect relationships and other major life activities. Mine believes she functions quite well and that her Bipolar is never a problem, too. It's possible to have a functional relationship with someone who suffers from this condition but it won't always be Tea with the Queen.


:scratchhead: Are you suggesting that those with bipolar disorder cannot function well? I hope not, because that would be ignorant and uninformed. A person with diabetes has a disorder, but they can take their insulin, eat well, exercise and have some semblance of a normal life. The same goes for someone with bipolar or any other disorder. 

Wives who do not have "disorders" aren't always easy to live with either.


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## Sanity

Mrs.G said:


> :scratchhead: Are you suggesting that those with bipolar disorder cannot function well? I hope not, because that would be ignorant and uninformed. A person with diabetes has a disorder, but they can take their insulin, eat well, exercise and have some semblance of a normal life. The same goes for someone with bipolar or any other disorder.
> 
> Wives who do not have "disorders" aren't always easy to live with either.



I'll take my chances with a non bipolar or non BPD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G

*Offended Not Surprised*

Most people look down on those with mental illness. I am dismayed and offended by the above comments, but I am hardly surprised.  Unfortunately, people choose to live with their ignorance instead of educating themselves. 

Bipolar Disorder and the High Functioning Patient


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## Sanity

Mrs.G said:


> Most people look down on those with mental illness. I am dismayed and offended by the above comments, but I am hardly surprised.  Unfortunately, people choose to live with their ignorance instead of educating themselves.
> 
> Bipolar Disorder and the High Functioning Patient


I've educated myself plenty. I think ive earned a doctorate after five years of living with it. While I sympathize with the disorder sufferer, I will never allow myself to have a relationship with somebody who shows signs of emotional and mental instability. I will also teach my son(when he gets older) to avoid people like this as a partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G

Look, when I was single, the men I dated were very surprised to learn of my illness. I usually hid it because of the same attitude that you have. This was because I function extremely well and show no signs. 

What a shame it would be, if you met someone you got along with and then dumped them as soon as they disclosed their health problems.

I think it is rude and insulting to say to someone with an illness "Oh, I would never date someone like you." Very mean spirited.


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## Runs like Dog

**** them if they can't take a joke. Before I was married before I was dating my wife, I would slip in things like "you might get calls from the cops or from the mental ward." or "If you ever feel like slapping me, feel free, I won't notice". There was a woman or two who I think was even nuttier than I was. Weapons grade crazy. 

But to be fair I was usually floating in drugs and booze back then. Hey if you're gonna be bat**** crazy, have fun with it. I really don't care what other people think, never have.


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## greenpearl

Mrs.G

I don't know if I had BPD before, but I had a very bad temper! And I used to think too much about something didn't exist, misinterpreted other people's intention and words. I didn't like the feeling I used to have. I used to have heavy chest feeling all the time. 

It was a very good thing that my husband came into my life, he is a very patient and calm man, and he also knows how to confront me when I am being difficult. He becomes my anchor and peace provider. I believe your husband is very mature and he is able to provide you what you need. I do believe we are not easy to be around. We need men to be extremely loving and understanding to us. 

My husband knew that I had a bad temper before, he still married me. I asked him many times why he married me. He said I am a kind woman, I have lots of good qualities. I believe you have lots of qualities which your husband finds great. 

I do't know if BPD is a mental disease, people now like to name this and that. But I do think having a bad temper is not good for us, not good for people who live with us either. Thinking too much about what others might hint or not hint is too tiring. It is important for us not to focus on others too much. 

I am sure you know how I have achieved my peace. I never took any medicine. I didn't know anything about BPD until I started posting on TAM. I have being reading books related to wisdom for the last three years. I am quite happy for the peaceful mind I have now.There are a lot of good books which can help us!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

With the prevalence of mental illness being what it is, I don't think it's entirely avoidable in anyone's life when it comes to familial or personal relationships.

Like any life-altering and challenging physical disability such as a spinal cord injury, loss of eyesight, disfigurement, etc. it could happen to anyone, anytime. A good knock on the head in a car accident or slip and fall on the ice is enough to alter anyone's personality, permanently.

And for those who think it will be a smooth ride to procreate with someone 'sane': your children are not immune from developing mental illness, addictions, brain injuries, effects of illnesses...or avoiding people who do.

To really be a Debbie Downer on this point, many PHYSICAL illnesses present with psychiatric symptoms: such as diabetes (highly prevalent), allergies (also highly prevalent), cancer, heart disease and thyroid disorder.

Then there is anxiety, like the anxiety associated with developing a mental illness and being afraid to see a psychologist for any kind of therapy because a person is afraid that if they are found to have any kind of psychological disorder they will have to hide it because of the attitudes of their family and/or 'friends'.

Mental illness isn't a measure of fitness or criteria for having a human life with all that it entails (including relationships).
How people manage it is.
I have a lot of respect for people who live with mental illness. It takes a lot of work. They can't just give themselves a day off without paying the price. They have to be there each and every day for themselves. And willing to be completely humiliated by crass uncaring people when and if they do need help. 

The flip side of being married to a completely 'sane' emotionally healthy person is that if you have any issues that crop up due to an undiagnosed personality disorder, they are probably unlikely to give you any slack, you're going to have to own it, lock stock and barrel, right back in your face! Not to say they won't give you a ride to the mental health clinic...but there's not going to be any wiggle room or trying to blame them for your issues.


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## RandomDude

habigh said:


> Hi everyone,
> my wife and have been married for about 2 years and have been dating before. Her instability and losing temper is killing me. I don't like to live like this anymore. She shouts on everything. She cannot work with anyone. She is actually doing PHD. But since I know her from senior year of undergrads, since then she was always unhappy with her supervisors and her teachers. She never accepts the opinion of people. She always create problems with people and asks me to fix it for her. I have always tell her what to do when things go wrong.
> Other than that she constatnly get angry with every thing. She expect me to behave perfect. Always do what she wants and agree with whatever she says unless there is something that needs to be fixed.
> She probably has bipolar disorder and she knows about it. She started mood stabilizer medication for that recently.
> I don't know what to do. I should stay and help her. But don't I deserve some happiness? If things go this way I will go crazy


I've dealt with this before, not with my missus however (who is actually much more crueler then telling me to my face that she's unhappy... instead, if she's really mad, she gives me the DREADED COLD TREATMENT!!!! Hasn't for a while though, so its good...)

Ne ways, my first girlfriend is similarly like this, it's not bipolar, don't bother to pin labels on her because that will make things worst, for you and for her. Don't tell her she is wrong in being this way, that will also make things worse.

You may hate what I have to say but the truth is you have to accept it as part of her.

She will have certain stages; initial discomfort, then she will try to contain it, then she will explode, and while she explodes, there's NOTHING you can say or do that will make her calm down (actually... there is, but we'll get to that later).

The way I've dealt with my ex was to spot the discomfort and bring it out as soon as I can BEFORE the exploding stage. During the exploding stage, only way is to deal with it is to fight it out. With my ex she was not only aggressive but rather violent too so I was rather 'physical' in response in restraining her.

Deep inside it's hurt, a lot of it, hold her down, whisper in her ear, she may start crying, and let out a lot of bull**** that will really test your listening skills, but that's how you will come to understand her.

The more you bring out the anger within the initial discomfort stage the more she will also feel more comfortable in sharing it with you. The anger and instability are just side effects. Please don't get her into the drugs, there are other methods to deal with it, and much more effective in the long run.

For the record, my first and I split for circumstances beyond our control, but we were very close, and I still love and respect her to this day, even though I've moved on and got married.


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## Mrs.G

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> With the prevalence of mental illness being what it is, I don't think it's entirely avoidable in anyone's life when it comes to familial or personal relationships.
> 
> Like any life-altering and challenging physical disability such as a spinal cord injury, loss of eyesight, disfigurement, etc. it could happen to anyone, anytime. A good knock on the head in a car accident or slip and fall on the ice is enough to alter anyone's personality, permanently.
> 
> And for those who think it will be a smooth ride to procreate with someone 'sane': your children are not immune from developing mental illness, addictions, brain injuries, effects of illnesses...or avoiding people who do. Thank you! :smthumbup: Only an idiot would think that "sane" people come with no problems.
> 
> To really be a Debbie Downer on this point, many PHYSICAL illnesses present with psychiatric symptoms: such as diabetes (highly prevalent), allergies (also highly prevalent), cancer, heart disease and thyroid disorder.Yup! Also, mental illness can calm down once a person is out of a horrible environment. My doctors always told me that growing up being abused every day would drive ANYBODY off the deep end. I felt better once I left home.
> 
> Then there is anxiety, like the anxiety associated with developing a mental illness and being afraid to see a psychologist for any kind of therapy because a person is afraid that if they are found to have any kind of psychological disorder they will have to hide it because of the attitudes of their family and/or 'friends'. I hide my illness from most people, because I have been judged harshly by even my so called family. How can people look down on others or treat them like they are stupid, just because they have an illness? :rofl:
> 
> Mental illness isn't a measure of fitness or criteria for having a human life with all that it entails (including relationships).
> How people manage it is. This is what I was trying to say. :smthumbup: I manage it well, so that it is rarely a problem. How condescending and arrogant it was for someone to say, "My wife thinks it's not a problem too." Yeah, I guess all people with bipolar disorder are the same. :rofl::rofl:
> 
> I have a lot of respect for people who live with mental illness. It takes a lot of work. They can't just give themselves a day off without paying the price. They have to be there each and every day for themselves. And willing to be completely humiliated by crass uncaring people when and if they do need help. I have been abused by psychiatric nurses and had "friends" and "family" turn on me when I needed them most. My mother refused to sit with me in emerg, even though the doctors and police asked her to. When she became ill and wanted *my *support, I laughed in her face and reminded her of her coldness.
> 
> The flip side of being married to a completely 'sane' emotionally healthy person is that if you have any issues that crop up due to an undiagnosed personality disorder, they are probably unlikely to give you any slack, you're going to have to own it, lock stock and barrel, right back in your face! Not to say they won't give you a ride to the mental health clinic...but there's not going to be any wiggle room or trying to blame them for your issues.


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## Mrs.G

greenpearl said:


> Mrs.G
> 
> I don't know if I had BPD before, but I had a very bad temper! And I used to think too much about something didn't exist, misinterpreted other people's intention and words. I didn't like the feeling I used to have. I used to have heavy chest feeling all the time.
> 
> It was a very good thing that my husband came into my life, he is a very patient and calm man, and he also knows how to confront me when I am being difficult. He becomes my anchor and peace provider. I believe your husband is very mature and he is able to provide you what you need. I do believe we are not easy to be around. We need men to be extremely loving and understanding to us.
> 
> My husband knew that I had a bad temper before, he still married me. I asked him many times why he married me. He said I am a kind woman, I have lots of good qualities. I believe you have lots of qualities which your husband finds great.
> 
> I do't know if BPD is a mental disease, people now like to name this and that. But I do think having a bad temper is not good for us, not good for people who live with us either. Thinking too much about what others might hint or not hint is too tiring. It is important for us not to focus on others too much.
> 
> I am sure you know how I have achieved my peace. I never took any medicine. I didn't know anything about BPD until I started posting on TAM. I have being reading books related to wisdom for the last three years. I am quite happy for the peaceful mind I have now.There are a lot of good books which can help us!


Sometimes having a bad temper can be a good thing. When people hear me shouting, with that look in my eyes, they do not cross me. Of course, I only let that out if being polite and friendly has gotten no results. 

For example, I had a banking issue that was because of stupidity at my branch. I calmly stated my problem more than once, only to have the idiotic customer service manager do something that was not what I asked. I finally came into the branch shouting yesterday. The branch manager solved my issue, because he did not like the idea of a customer shouting with frustration. "She has had this issue for a week and she clearly stated what she needs several times, only to have us pass the buck. No wonder she is screaming! GET ON THIS RIGHT NOW! IT NEEDS TO BE FIXED *TODAY*! :smthumbup:


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## greenpearl

Mrs.G said:


> Sometimes having a bad temper can be a good thing. When people hear me shouting, with that look in my eyes, they do not cross me. Of course, I only let that out if being polite and friendly has gotten no results.
> 
> For example, I had a banking issue that was because of stupidity at my branch. I calmly stated my problem more than once, only to have the idiotic customer service manager do something that was not what I asked. I finally came into the branch shouting yesterday. The branch manager solved my issue, because he did not like the idea of a customer shouting with frustration. "She has had this issue for a week and she clearly stated what she needs several times, only to have us pass the buck. No wonder she is screaming! GET ON THIS RIGHT NOW! IT NEEDS TO BE FIXED *TODAY*! :smthumbup:


I used to use anger to show my frustration, not anymore! 

I don't think I like to see other people angry, so I try not to be angry to people anymore. 

I find a sweet smile and a soft voice will just get people to do things for me as fast as they can! And they are happy doing it for me!


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## Mrs.G

greenpearl said:


> I used to use anger to show my frustration, not anymore!
> 
> I don't think I like to see other people angry, so I try not to be angry to people anymore.
> 
> I find a sweet smile and a soft voice will just get people to do things for me as fast as they can! And they are happy doing it for me!


I try not to be angry too. However, if I have tried the polite and calm approach more than twice, obviously it is not working. 

Anger is a normal human emotion, it is a sign that we need to protect ourselves. It is only what anger can lead to that is the problem. 

My banking issue was finally resolved after 3 phone calls to customer service, 2 voicemails and 2 face to face meetings. :rofl: I don't know a soul who would not lose their "smile and sweet voice" after that. I do not have the time for such nonsense. It resulted in inconvienience for the company I work for, their payroll company and me. The bank has ruined their reputation with my workplace; no more direct deposit for me! I don't regret storming in there and raising my voice; it was the only time they worked to resolve my issue, instead of passing the buck.

I am very careful about how I express anger at home with my husband. He is my only family now, so we have to get along and be sweet to each other. I try to kiss Mr.G when I am upset or remind him how much I love our marriage. Many fights have resulted in cuddling or lovemaking because of this approach. :smthumbup: Don't be right, be happy!


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## greenpearl

Mrs.G said:


> I am very careful about how I express anger at home with my husband. He is my only family now, so we have to get along and be sweet to each other. I try to kiss Mr.G when I am upset or remind him how much I love our marriage. Many fights have resulted in cuddling or lovemaking because of this approach. :smthumbup: Don't be right, be happy!


Great and right attitude! :smthumbup:


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## ProddingSlowly

I think it's great that you are dedicated and that you don't want to divorce her. Divorce is understandable as a last-case scenario, but I sure hope you can work things out without having to resort to ending the marriage. I have a similar situation where even the simplest and calmest questions posed with love and understanding turn into a miserable nightmare for no apparent reason. I mean a simple question to just about anybody, even a child, would result in a simple answer, but this doesn't apply to my spouse. Everything is complicated for her. So many things are an argument just waiting for a spark, almost as if the person can't live without constant conflict. Listening to your wife with understanding and compassion, without interrupting is a start. Apologizing for things that are most likely not even your fault comes next. Stating over and over how much you love her, want her and wish the best for her also needs to be said. But when there is a moment of calmness, it's a good idea to bring up the fact that such reactions destroy the bonds of marriage. In a moment of calm, she will see and understand things in such a way as she doesn't when she's emotional. In fact, no one during a spat of anger has the openness to hear criticism and learn from what is going on. But one thing you definitely need is time away during the day to calm down your own strained nerves, perhaps stay "at work" for a few extra hours to gather your thoughts and nerves and have some therapeutic time for yourself. Without rest periods for your sanity, it gets really rough. With time, love, understanding and your own emotional strength, things do get better. I am a religious person and it has taken a lot of faith to get through the hard times we've had, but a lot has improved even though there are still things to work on. God help you. Stick with it if you can.


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