# She doesn't let met see my friends - I feel stuck



## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

She doesn't let met see my friends 

It is making me crazy. My wife doesn't want to get out of the house except for going to work. If I want to have a few beers with my friends, it's out of the question and she forbids me. She never go out, never came with me when I go to my friends. She's not a social person at all. 

For example, we have our anniversary dinner booked at a restaurant this Saturday. I want to make her a surprise so I told her that we're going to an undisclosed restaurant. I chose a restaurant that I know she really liked.

So I'm at work and she's at home, taking care of our 11 months old daughter. Phone rings, it's her. She calls me everyday when I'm at work so I answer the phone just to chat. During the conversation I told her that I talked to a friend (well, my best friend) on facebook and we were planning on going out to drink a few beers at his place next saturday. She did not want me to go, I could hear it in her voice. But she said nothing about it.

Next thing I know, she text me "I don't wanna go to the restaurant. Cancel it."

I called her, asked her why? She replied "Go to the restaurant with your friends like you always do! I don't f*cking care! I'm sick of you seeing your friends"

WTF??? This is not the first time childish crap like this happens. Last time I saw a friend was two months ago. They don't even call me because I rejected their offers so often. My remaining friends (there'S 2 or 3 now, at most) asked me why I never go out. I told them about my wife behavior. We don't think this is normal and I feel bad about it.

She doesn't have any friends and she gets mad when I want to visit mines. I'm a good dad, I take care of my little one. Can she give me some time for myself 

She makes me feel miserable and guilty. We've been married for 9 years now. Couseling is out of the question, she got angry at me when I asked her if she would come to counselling.

I honestly don't know what to do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you truly feel she's unreasonable, stop letting her control you. Go out, have a good time having a drink with your friends. If she wants to pout, that's her choice 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> If you truly feel she's unreasonable, stop letting her control you. Go out, have a good time having a drink with your friends. If she wants to pout, that's her choice
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

philcollins1 said:


> She doesn't let met see my friends
> 
> It is making me crazy. My wife doesn't want to get out of the house except for going to work. If I want to have a few beers with my friends, it's out of the question and she forbids me. She never go out, never came with me when I go to my friends. She's not a social person at all.
> 
> ...


Your wife has used anger and bitterness to control you. You know what comes next, she doesn't respects you. Then once the respect is gone, she stops loving you and eventually dumps you or has an affair.

You NEED to take some control back.I'm not talking about being mean. I'm talking about being an adult father and husband. Seeing your friends once a month etc. is FAR from unreasonable.

Your wife could have post partum, was she like this before the baby?

Regardless, you NEED counseling. and if she refuses, would she rather divorce?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Cancel the dinner date per her request. Pick yourself off the floor and try to get the footprints off your back before you go have beers with your friends. She forbids you? She's your wife, not your master. If you don't do this now it only gets harder. Oh and when you go to your friends house leave your cell phone in your car!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

I can understand that she wants me to stay at home sometimes: she tells me that we will watch movies, go somewhere, do something... Well.. No! Every time I stay, she stays on the couch, browsing on Facebook and not talking to me for the whole evening! It's boring.

I do chores, enough chores to please any other women but not her. 

During the week, I wake up, go to work, come back at 5 PM, take care of the baby till bedtime. 

Weekends: I wake up, take care of the baby all day, get the little one to bed at 8 PM then.. nothing. Play computer games, drink a brew then go to bed? What a boring life. 

I can understand that she is exhausted because she stays at home all day with the baby, sometimes little one is crying, sometimes not. Some hints of post-partum but denies it: she gets irritated alot when baby is crying. 

Sometimes, I feel that taking care of the baby is a chore for her. I have no doubts she looooves our baby from all her heart, but sometimes, I feel she's depressed. She has no friends. Her parental leave will be over in a few weeks so we'll see if she's still depressed. 

There's so much going on with this relationship that makes me feel miserable. I should act like a man. 

I'll stop saying "I love you" first.

Taking a look at myself, why the hell am I so sensitive. I need to get my balls back.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Stop doing chores to make her happy, for most women they lose respect for you. The weekends should be split up, you shouldn't be doing all the baby work. It's just as much your time off as hers. Quit asking her to do things, tell her your going to do them. Be the leader or she'll find one that will be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

My wife once acted a bit like this very early in our marriage. I have been there, done that! It stopped after she gained more confidence in herself.

I know everyone here is tempted to say: "ignore her and go out and enjoy your friends". But it isn't that simple. Because not only does that mean their anniversary night will be ruined, but it means at least a week or two of the silent treatment once he gets home.

Seriously, I think the best place to start is with a neutral third party. A marriage counselor, her mother, her aunt, her friend, SOMEONE to explain to her that seeing your friends more than once in two months is not excessive, and it's totally normal. They need to explain how their own husbands go out occasionally yet they never leave their wives. I think she's wildly insecure and has a deathly fear of you meeting someone else and running away from her.

What she's doing now is not healthy, and will destroy you both in the long run if it's not taken care of.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Exhausted from staying home a day? Really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> *She makes me feel miserable* and guilty. We've been married for 9 years now. Couseling is out of the question, she got angry at me when I asked her if she would come to counselling.


Go have some fun!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Theseus said:


> My wife once acted a bit like this very early in our marriage. I have been there, done that! It stopped after she gained more confidence in herself.
> 
> I know everyone here is tempted to say: "ignore her and go out and enjoy your friends". But it isn't that simple. Because not only does that mean their anniversary night will be ruined, but it means at least a week or two of the silent treatment once he gets home.
> 
> ...


her mom,aunt or anybody in her family is not a nuetral party. She ruined the anniversary dinner being a spoiled brat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How's your sex life?

I'd recommend a browse through the Married Man's Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Yes! I told her "Do you prefer being at home with our baby or you prefer working your *** off at work?" 

and she told me that it will be the same.

Wow.

And the silent treatment, every time I do/say something that doesn't please her, I get it.

Last time I got it was a few months ago. One good friend came over at my house. We started a small fire outside and my friend burned a old cartoon box that my wife used for recycling. I went inside (because she stays on her godmn computer all the time) and she asked me "did your friend burned the box?" I said yes but he didn't know that you wanted to keep the box.

she got so angry, we got into an argument and got the silent treatment for at least 3 days. This is so childish! She's 30 by the way...


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## BruisedGirl (Apr 4, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> I need to get my balls back.


Very much so.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Sex life is... 1 time / month if I'm lucky. 
:\


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

philcollins1 said:


> Sex life is... 1 time / month if I'm lucky.
> :\


And she's still calling the shots???


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Have you ever cheated or driven home drunk? If so that's why she's doing this. If not, then she need to do more things with her life and back off as its unhealthy not only for her not to have friends but to control you.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> And she's still calling the shots???


Yep, got rejected so many times in our first year of cohabitation that I pretty much stopped trying. At first it was pissing me off but now I learned to live without it.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Have you ever cheated or driven home drunk? If so that's why she's doing this. If not, then she need to do more things with her life and back off as its unhealthy not only for her not to have friends but to control you.


Never. She doesn't care if I drink a beer to 24 at home, she just want me to be available at home to take care of the baby. That's her own words and she told me that many times.

I never cheated or had any kind of affair.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Enjoy the silent treatment! I learned to love them with my ex. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The irony is if you got your balls back she might actually want to have sex with you.

I think you should go out more often.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

All my friends wives are normal, enjoy going out and have the company of others. Mines, on the other side, does not. She is insecure, has low self esteem and has no friends. Her closest friends are her family and my parents. lol. and me of course.

anyway thanks for your replies, I enjoy reading them and talking about it. I'll be back this evening.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

philcollins1 said:


> Never. She doesn't care if I drink a beer to 24 at home, she just want me to be available at home to take care of the baby. That's her own words and she told me that many times.
> 
> I never cheated or had any kind of affair.


Who is she chatting with on facebook. She is 30 and you are having sex once a month? Dude! Not near normal. Start going to a gym a few nights a week. If she doesn't like it she'll get mad, so what you are only getting maybe once a month not like she can cut you off anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She sounds like a child

Put your foot down and stand your ground.

It's not unreasonable to want to socialize. It's not like you do it everyday.

If she cancels everything you plan just because you want to meet a friend 1 time in 2 months, she has issues. Manipulative/controlling.

Do not fall for it.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You're not her friend you're her puppet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> Never. She doesn't care if I drink a beer to 24 at home, she just want me to be available at home to take care of the baby. That's her own words and she told me that many times.
> 
> I never cheated or had any kind of affair.


Ok then next time state you are going out. If she pulls any on the cancel our dinner then say, ok. Don't fall into her traps. It's her problem and one way to get you "nads" back is to not let her controll you. She throws a fit, you walk away. She stops talking to you, enjoy your quiet time. 

Also stop doing more chores than a reasonable amount. You are being a nice guy, and nice guys get no sex.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Wow -- talk about emotional blackmail. She's throwing a temper tantrum just like your young child would. Kudos to you for putting up with that for so long. Well, no more. It stops here. If she chooses not to have any friends then that is the choice she can make for herself but if YOU choose to have an interest in doing something that doesn't revolve around her then she needs to put on her big girl panties and suck it up. Doesn't she want a happy and fulfilled husband? She should be encouraging you to hang out with friends. Not forbidding you! Wow. Just.... wow. 

I agree with the other posters that say you should go. If she wants you to cancel dinner plans than do it. She asked for it, right? It's time to call her on her sh*t. Her behavior is not healthy for you, for her or for the relationship. Yup, definitely a control factor going on. Or she is jealous that you have friends and she doesn't. 

But you need to ask her what her rationale is to getting so upset about you going out? Does she have previous trust issues with someone from her past that she is projecting onto you? Or does she have a reason not to trust you? Before you can even begin working this out you need to understand where it's all coming from. 

Believe me, if she continues to behave like this than you are going to need your network of friends now more than ever because you may need to shack up with one one day.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Ok then next time state you are going out. If she pulls any on the cancel our dinner then say, ok. Don't fall into her traps. It's her problem and one way to get you "nads" back is to not let her controll you. She throws a fit, you walk away. She stops talking to you, enjoy your quiet time.
> 
> Also stop doing more chores than a reasonable amount. You are being a nice guy, and nice guys get no sex.


If you keep this up she will lose all respect for you and will be cheating on you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She FORBIDS you? She is not your keeper. Cancel the dinner, why should you do anything special for her like that when she treats you the way she does? It only weakens you in her eyes. I HATE it when women treat good men this way!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

philcollins1 said:


> …
> 
> For example, we have our anniversary dinner booked at a restaurant this Saturday. I want to make her a surprise so I told her that we're going to an undisclosed restaurant. I chose a restaurant that I know she really liked.
> ….
> ...


Right now I want to focus on one thing…. Saturday is your anniversary. You planned a dinner date with your wife. Then you make more plans to go have a few drinks on Saturday at your friend’s house. 

What times in the day were you planning on doing these two things?

Again just taking about this one thing.. maybe she wanted to spend the day celebrating your anniversary?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

philcollins1 said:


> Yep, got rejected so many times in our first year of cohabitation that I pretty much stopped trying. At first it was pissing me off but now I learned to live without it.


But you married her anyway?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Right now I want to focus on one thing…. Saturday is your anniversary. You planned a dinner date with your wife. Then you make more plans to go have a few drinks on Saturday at your friend’s house.
> 
> What times in the day were you planning on doing these two things?
> 
> Again just taking about this one thing.. maybe she wanted to spend the day celebrating your anniversary?


the dinner is this Saturday and hanging with friends is next Saturday. A week apart. If I read it correctly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

philcollins1,

Did your wife have friends and was she more social before you married? how about before the baby? Has she gotten worse after that baby?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> the dinner is this Saturday and hanging with friends is next Saturday. A week apart. If I read it correctly.


I interpret this & next to be the same day as the very next Saturday is this coming Saturday. But you might be right.

So maybe what he meant is that their anniversary is this next Saturday and he wants to go have some beers with this friend two Saturdays from now.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Buddy, you are what we call in the TAM world, a "Doormat". Your wife controls your entire relationship and you let her.

You are the giver and she is the taker.

You haven't done anything to correct this, in fact, you are still succumbing to her desires.

It's time to learn about setting boundaries and limits. Your homework is to read No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Married Men's Sex Primer. You will learn a lot about yourself from this.

As info, isolating you from friends and family is typical behavior for someone who is emotionally abusive. Of course she doesn't want you to go out with your friends, they will only reinforce how poorly you are being treated. If you had a friend who could never hang out with you because his girlfriend didn't let him go out of the house, what would you say to him?

Time to get your life back. And I am warning you, she will probably turn into a mega-b*tch when she stops being able to control you. Prepare for that now. YOU will be called controlling and unreasonable and that you are ruining the marriage by your actions.

The single best advice I can give you, other than to read those two books, is to start recording your conversations. If you know there is going to be a fight, record it. Then go back and listen to it. I did that, and the lightbulb finally went off that I wasn't the crazy one. You've been getting emotionally abused for 9 years, you have no idea how mentally unhealthy you are right now.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

COguy said:


> Buddy, you are what we call in the TAM world, a "Doormat". Your wife controls your entire relationship and you let her.
> 
> You are the giver and she is the taker.
> 
> ...


This x10 :iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

philcollins1,

The problem that I see is that you have allowed her to treat you this way. She was like this before you married her but you married her anyway. Now you want her to change.

You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. So that's where you put the focus, on yourself.

So let’s start with the anniversary dinner……………………..

There are different ways that you can handle this anniversary… you can do as she told you can cancel it. Now in her head you chose your friends over her.

Or….. you can put her on the spot, start being assertive. 

Do not play into her game. Still plan the dinner for your anniversary. Do not cancel it. If you did cancel it, re-establish the date. Make sure you have a babysitter lined up. Then tell her that if she wants to trash your anniversary, then she is going to have to be blatant about it… so blatant that she will need to explain to her parents and everyone else why she is refusing to celebrate such an important, mutual anniversary. Put her on the spot. Yea she might not go. Even if she keeps saying that she will not go.. You get dressed and ready. You then you need to be ready for that. If she goes or not, she cannot play the ‘he does not love me game’. You did the right thing. She will not be able to use the “you don’t love me ‘cause you chose your friends over our anniversary.”

Since she will not go to counseling, you go to IC (individual counseling). You need to find out how why you put up with this nonsense. If you had just been appropriately assertive from the start in your relationship you would have ether left her or none of this would be going on. You are letting her push you around. Why? 

You need to get to a point where you can tell her that either, she get off the computer and spend time with you and your child, or you will divorce her. The stakes need to be high, very high.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things, just the two of you. That's usually 1-2 hours a night after the baby's in bed and then one or two longer couple times on the weekends.

You work 8/9 hours at a job. She works 8/9 hours as a SAHM. She should doing most of the housework, cooking during the day. Once you come home then left over household things and child care are split between the two of you. That way both of you get a break, both of you do child care evenings and weekends. Both of you get time to yourselves to include time to see friends. If the two of you have a good schedule in place to meet the 15 hours weekly together, then you should be able to see your friends. Spouse, child and household come first… but after all that you should be able to have friends in your life.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

There's so much going on with this relationship that makes me feel miserable. I should act like a man. 

I'll stop saying "I love you" first.

Taking a look at myself, why the hell am I so sensitive. I need to get my balls back.[/QUOTE]

Boy. That ought to put her butt back on the fast track. If you say that, no doubt she'll be crawling on hands and knees begging you for forgiveness. 

She's been getting her way with you since day one and she knows that she has you right where she wants you and your going to get even by saying what. "I'll stop saying I love you first". She wouldn't give a rats a$$ if you said it first or not. You have to speak up and let her know that this isn't a one way street and that if she wants to sit in the house like a hermit, then fine, you can sit on the chair and play on your computer until you have roots growing out of her a$$ and into the chair.

It's time that you speak up and when you do, make it loud enough that she understands that going out once in a while is not a crime and that she needs to grow up and start acting like an adult for once in her life. If not, your stuck dude and it will get even worse. Choice is yours.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am sorry to break the news and give you an ounce of reality. 

She is a dysfunctional, dominant, and abusive wife. Not allowing you to see friends, and isolating you from others is typical abusive behavior. You wrote, "counseling is out of the question, she got angry at me when I asked her if she would come to counselling." She said she did not want any third parties mentioning her abusive dysfunctional behavior. You need to do the following. 

1. Stand up to her. Make it clear that your life and happiness does not depend upon her approval. As soon as you realize that your success or happiness in life does not depend upon her approval, you have taken the first step. That could help bring her to normalcy. You will have some bitter fights, but she will ultimately respect you. 

2. Start considering divorce if she will not change. 

3. Be very careful about physical violence. She will yell, scream, provoke, and even hit you. You can however, never, never, never hit her back or touch her in any way. The moment that happens, she will call 911, cry, go to a Battered Woman's Shelter and hospital, have you arrested, and re-assume her dominant role. The message will be, I am in control, I can have you arrested, I can take your children, I can take your assets, I control things, and you need to do what I want, every day, or you will lose everything. 

4. Do take secret videos to document her abusive behavior since that may be needed. Keep copies in a secure place because she will destroy such things when she is angry. She may fabricate stories about you so be careful. 

5. Her lack of friends shows that she is the problem, not you. You are a very nice guy for putting up with her crap as much as you do. Her acquaintances are smarter than you realizing that there is little to be gained from having a relationship with someone like this. 

6. Her restricting sex is another way of her asserting her dominance over you and showing that she is so valuable that you basically need to beg for it on a regular basis before she deigns to give you it. Make it a point not to ask for it for a period against to try to restore this relationship to a normal level with both persons participating instead of this dominant abusive wife/ passive scared husband arrangement you have now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> I am sorry to break the news and give you an ounce of reality.
> 
> She is a dysfunctional, dominant, and abusive wife. Not allowing you to see friends, and isolating you from others is typical abusive behavior. You wrote, "counseling is out of the question, she got angry at me when I asked her if she would come to counselling." She said she did not want any third parties mentioning her abusive dysfunctional behavior. You need to do the following.
> 
> ...


Very well said 
:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> She is a dysfunctional, dominant, and abusive wife.




...or maybe she is stuck at home with an 11 month old baby all the time while you come and go as you please and carry on with your drinking buddies?

When you planned the date with your wife philcollins, who was going to watch the baby?

You want BNO's? 
Equal time for GNO's. 
She gets to go out partying with her GF's while you parent (notice I said parent not "babysit")


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Reply to Blonde, 

"She gets to go out partying with her GF's while you parent" My recollection is that she doesn't have girlfriends because of her nasty behavior. 

It is certainly true that a baby imposes more responsibilities, which is why many reasonable women would welcome an invitation for counseling at which some of the pressures of taking care of a baby would be discussed. 

There is no justification for isolating him from his family. If she just had a baby, a decrease in amorous activity is understandable, but the poster indicated this is long-standing. 

The post indicated her behavior has been the same for the last 9 years so the responsibility of a new baby did not create the problem.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I was married to someone exactly like your wife, and eventually we did divorce and thankfully had no kids.

All the same characteristics!

1) laying on the couch watching tv and flipping through Facebook and posting updates like "life, is this really it?" and "only rainbows after the rain storm" < seriously? get a life.
2) not allowing me to see my friends, at all.
3) miserable and depressed at all times.
4) NO friends - only me and her mom. Her bridesmaids don't even talk with her anymore.
5) putting down everything I did
6) No hobbies
7) the list could go on and on

You wife does not respect you at all. She is a brat, a spoiled princess who is used to her having her way all the time. You also gave her a kid because she thought THAT would make her happy and but the reality is that she was never that happy to begin with and she has no real way of entertaining herself.

If you want to send me a PM, I can help you get back on track. Because now that my marriage is over, I know precisely what I should have done to get the control back.

1) When you fight with her, make sure you are calm, direct and in charge. Do not yell or scream, and do not give her an inch to push you around. Keep a straight face and do not break eye contact with her either. 

2) Get her off the couch and outside. She needs to be stimulated. Bring her places. Go play put-put golf and try to have fun even if she is being a brat the whole time. If you decide to walk away, you can always say at least you tried to get her life back on track and didn't just bail. 

3) Always lead. She's probably looking for you to run the show and make some decisions. Simply state what you guys are going to do for the afternoon. Something like "we are going to the mall at 1:00pm" and tell her to get in shower and get ready. Odds are, she won't just lay there.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> Yes! I told her "Do you prefer being at home with our baby or you prefer working your *** off at work?"
> 
> and she told me that it will be the same.
> 
> ...


Fraid I don't hear a lot of respect toward his wife and reading between the lines here, his drinking buddies are over having a fire in the back yard, burned something of hers

AND 

philcollins is using this episode from a few months ago to prove that "every time... the silent treatment" and his wife is so childish?

Fraid I think you would hear a whole different story from her side of this... I'm sure she isn't perfect but she sounds depressed and isolated and I think he should stay home and parent alcohol free so she can get out more. And they need couple time- I agree with those who said he should insist on couple time (with a good babysitter in place).


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Reply to Blonde,
> 
> "She gets to go out partying with her GF's while you parent" My recollection is that s*he doesn't have girlfriends because of her nasty behavior*.


I reviewed pc's posts. Your recollection is wrong.

So do you want to take back your judgment of her, now?



> She is a dysfunctional, dominant, and abusive wife.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Blonde said:


> ...or maybe she is stuck at home with an 11 month old baby all the time while you come and go as you please and carry on with your drinking buddies?
> 
> When you planned the date with your wife philcollins, who was going to watch the baby?
> 
> ...


He doesn't go see his friends that often you make it sound as though he goes out every night and he doesn't. He works, helps out around the house and he watches the baby making sure he does his part as a parent. He doesn't deserve to be treated this way and she needs to grow up. She displays patterns of manipulation when she does not get her way. He also offered the idea that they see a councilor but she won't do it. And when he is home she doesn't want to do anything with him she stays on the computer all night. This is not healthy for so many different reasons. He shouldn't stop his social life (which isn't much to begin with by the way) because she forbids him to and ESPECIALLY if he does his part to help her with the baby. She was like this before the baby, his mistake was thinking she would change. Of course there are two sides to every story but it is how you deal with your problems that show true character and your true nature. He also offered for her to come with him to hang out and get her out the house, she is being a brat. She does not want help from professionals, she wants to keep him isolated, and tries to guilt him when she doesn't get her way she gives him the silent treatment for 3 days for a accident (Who does that??) to me she is being a child. I'm a woman and i find her behavior childish.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Why is it that your wife expects you on top of your FT job to come home and do chores + take care of baby? Giving breaks and helping out yes but if she chose to be a SAHM then she should be a SAHM. 

My ex pulled this **** all the time. She was constantly whining about taking care of our son. She would wake up at 9:30 everyday, take care of our son until I got home and did the "hand off", not even asking what I did or how my day went. Our son also took one nap during the day and she would frequently lay down with him. She also kept him awake late so he would wake up at 9:30 AM since she's not an "early person". 

On the weekends I would wake up early with our son and take him to the park while my ex would sleep in until 11:30 AM. I did this without hesistation and didn't sleep in for YEARS. I never complained so forgive me when I would roll my eyes when she claimed she was exhausted on the weekends. She said the word "exhausted" so many times that I started hating the word because no matter how much I help I gave or things I did to lessen her burden of being a SAHM Martyr, it was never enough. 

Fact is some folks are just lazy and will ***** and whine about the most menial taks. This is why dating and getting to know somebody other than sexually is really important. Work ethic, tolerance, kindness, love, temperment, intelligence and money style are infinitely more important for long term success than what happens between the sheets. 

In the end, you are going to have to decide what you want out of life but don't be naive enough to think it's going to change much and in fact it will get worse with time as you allow it. I wouldn't be surprised that once your daughter is old enough for school your wife tells you she wants another kid to keep the SAHM train going another five years.

In the end, trying to use logic, reason and fairness on your wife is like trying to drink the ocean with a crazy straw. Sure you might get a good drink but in the end it's a futile effort. Next life/wife choose a kiddie pool to drink from.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

Did you ask her why she's miserable and has no friends? did you try to talk to her about the situation? why she feels like you shouldn't be going out with your friends?

I don't think she's the monster people try to make her to be. Maybe she's depressed and needs help...


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

I would not call her dysfunctional but maybe dominant. She is not a monster.

Yes, she spends most of her days at home with the baby. Everyday when I come home, I'm glad to take care of our baby.

Before we had the baby, she never went out with friends. Not even once. She has no real friends, only acquaintances, school friends or work mates. Like I said, she only have me, my parents and her mom and sisters. It is not because of her behavior. She is shy and lacks self-confidence. She is insecure. It is sad. I honestly think she is depressed but I cannot do anything to help and she denies it. 

She is childish and acts like a child. We have no real conversations, small talk only. And she cannot take simple decisions without asking me what would I do. 

Cinema79, I recognize my wife in every point of your list, lol. 

"2) Get her off the couch and outside." Oh I wish! LOL. 

One saturday night each month, that's all I ask for. Seeing my friends, having fun with them. Because, no matter how hard I try, every time I go out with my wife, she does not seem to enjoy the moment.

Before we thought about having a baby, I had doubts about the relationship. I was thinking about leaving but did not have the balls. I gave her a chance, thinking that having a baby would change everything. Yes, some things changed. I love my kid so much, I don't regret it AT ALL. But the relationship is worse every day. We argue every day over anything. No intimacy. No kisses, I have to ask for one and all I get is a dry kiss, if any. 

Just for "fun", I made a calendar and every day we argue, I place a red mark on it. Guess what: calendar is all red.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

About last saturday's date:

We went to the restaurant and we brought the baby with us. Baby cried a bit then fell asleep. Wife was not into it at all, complaining about our table and the waitress. She even told me to finish my plate so we could get the F out. Wow. We did not talk a word during the diner.

Finally, back in the car she said thank you. She told me that it wasn't my fault and she was tired. 

Next saturday night, I'm going to see my buddies and we will drink beer. I'll sleep over at his (well, him and his girlfriend) house and get home in the morning, before my little one wakes up. We argued about that yesterday but I will go, no matter how hard she tries to control me.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I feel like something is missing from the story here. Yeah, the wife's behavior sounds bad, but I think there might be other things going on too. He says she "forbids" him to go out, but he also makes references to all these times when he went out. How much are you actually going out? Most new parents don't go out much when they first have a baby.

Also, dude, you made plans to hang out with your friends on the day of your anniversary before taking her out? What kind of message do you think that sends?


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

John Lee said:


> How much are you actually going out? Most new parents don't go out much when they first have a baby.
> 
> Also, dude, you made plans to hang out with your friends on the day of your anniversary before taking her out? What kind of message do you think that sends?


Before we had the baby, I used to go out once every month, maybe two times every month, at most. After the birth of the baby, I saw my friends maybe 2 or 3 times in a year. 

No, plans were for next saturday, not the saturday of our anniversary date!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Arguing is a form of communication. What do you argue about?

I suggest taking her to Marriage Help Program For Couples 

You come away from the weekend with tools to improve your communication and get way deeper than "small talk". Then there are free post-sessions where you go deeper in lots of different areas. For example you will learn healthier ways to work through conflict (AKA arguments). Another post session is all about sex which will help you discuss that issue more constructively.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> About last saturday's date:
> 
> We went to the restaurant and we brought the baby with us. Baby cried a bit then fell asleep. Wife was not into it at all


Course not! It's not a "date" when she's tired and the baby goes with.



> Next saturday night, I'm going to see my buddies and we will drink beer. I'll sleep over at his (well, him and his girlfriend) house and get home in the morning, before my little one wakes up. We argued about that yesterday but I will go, no matter how hard she tries to control me.


Oh yeah! Definitely a case of the controlling *****y wife here not a husband who acts like a rebellious teenager instead of a partner. /sarcasm

No wonder she's depressed.  
With "friends" like yours, who needs enemies?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, pc, but I identify greatly with your wife here.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Blonde said:


> Course not! It's not a "date" when she's tired and the baby goes with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Did you even read his original post?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Next saturday night, I'm going to see my buddies and we will drink beer. I'll sleep over at his (well, him and his girlfriend) house and get home in the morning, before my little one wakes up. We argued about that yesterday but I will go, no matter how hard she tries to control me.


Just to ask how often in the past did plans with your friends for "just a few beers" end up with you sleeping on someone else's couch?


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

When I drink beer with friends, I have two choices:

1) drink a few beers then drive home when I'm sober

2) drink a few more beers then sleep on the couch and drive home in the morning before she wakes up.

I live about one hour drive to my friends house. 

Where's the problem with that?

Our LO sleeps through the night since birth so this is not a problem. 

In the last year, it happened two time. In the past years, I slept over maybe once every two month or so.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

But it's not only about drinking and sleeping over. It about going out. Even if no alcohol is involved, she doesn't want me to go out. 

I have my own business. I'm working hard to find contracts but recently, I had to decline an offer because my wife wasn't cooperative. The job was in another state so I needed to stay there for two weeks. She was so angry just because I would not be there to take care of the baby. It's her own words. She asked "Who will take care of the baby??? Me again???" She threatened to leave because of this argument.

Parenthood is not supposed to be a chore!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> When I drink beer with friends, I have two choices:
> 
> 1) drink a few beers then drive home when I'm sober
> 
> 2) drink a few more beers then sleep on the couch and drive home in the morning before she wakes up.


Actually, there's a third choice - don't drink so many beers you aren't sober enough to drive home. Which I'd imagine would be a good habit for a father to learn anyways.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Before we had the baby, she never went out with friends. Not even once. *She has no real friends, only acquaintances, school friends or work mates. *Like I said, *she only have me, my parents and her mom and sisters.* It is not because of her behavior. She is shy and lacks self-confidence. She is insecure. It is sad. I honestly think she is depressed but I cannot do anything to help and she denies it.
> 
> She is childish and acts like a child. We have no real conversations, small talk only. And she cannot take simple decisions without asking me what would I do.


How did the two of you meet and didn't you find any of the above strange? NO friends?

She sounds jealous of your healthy relationships with others.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> She sounds jealous of your healthy relationships with others.


This behavior would never be tolerated in a wife - getting drunk and staying over at some one else's house, people would be up in arms that she was having an affair and leaving him home to "babysit."


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

How often do you go out with your friends, on average? Im interested in knowing how often makes her 'sick of it'.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> Stop doing chores to make her happy, for most women they lose respect for you. The weekends should be split up, you shouldn't be doing all the baby work. It's just as much your time off as hers. Quit asking her to do things, tell her your going to do them. Be the leader or she'll find one that will be.


ahh. The cave-man approach.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The outings and the shenanigans that go on in those outings IMO are a symptom of the real problem.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Like I said, on average, I go out once every month or once every two months.

I ask my wife if she wanna join us and she never wants. My friends wives, on the other side, are cooperative and they don't forbid their husbands going out. They also often join us. 

One of my friend and his wife came to visit us a few months ago. My wife stayed on the couch during all the time they were here. Facebook on the couch. 

She has become antisocial.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Going out with friends a couple times a month isn't unreasonable to me. Her attitude and behavior regarding it is over the top and immature. 

OP should you be drinking so much you have to spend the night out? NO, you shouldn't be. It's important to your family that you conduct yourself responsibly and not act like a college student who has his first taste of independence. I don't see your wife being reasonable enough (based on her own choices to not go out or have friends) to be open to you doing ANY outings with friends. In other words, you'll be met with hostility no matter how often you go or what you're doing.

Is it worth it? Asking for forgiveness IS better than asking for permission in your case. No one should feel like a prisoner in their relationship.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> When I drink beer with friends, I have two choices:
> 
> 1) drink a few beers then drive home when I'm sober
> 
> ...


Yeah cool man, sounds great, you have perfect rationalizations for everything. Except it's a problem for your wife, and you're not acknowledging that there could possibly be any legitimacy to that. Instead you're coming to the internet for backup -- tell me I'm right, tell me how crappy my wife is. It's immature. You have a kid with this woman now, so if you care as much about your kid as you say you do, you need to look for solutions, not high fives from strangers. If you feel like you need to have the occasional time out with friends, that's reasonable, but you have to try to work it out with her in a reasonable way. TBH as a dad I do think the sleeping over drunk at your friends' house an hour a way thing is just something you should give up completely. It just doesn't sound like grown-up, parent behavior to me. Either drink less or don't go. Or meet them somewhere halfway. Or have them come to you. 

Your wife has her drawbacks, maybe serious ones, but you have to own up to your decision to marry her and have a child with her. You bear equal responsibility. You knew what you were getting into.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Even in my own house (well, her's too), it's like I always have to ask permission for EVERYTHING. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. 

It's not that I'm scared of her. I just try to avoid conflict but she always find something to argue or complain about.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Ok let's forget about the drinking. Forget the going out thing. It's deeper than that. 

No intimacy, no sexual life, no fun, no smiles, no hugs, arguments, silent treatments, boredom, fatigue, small talk, no conversations.

She doesn't even look me in the eyes

She looks depressed but denies it.

I'm tired of constant arguments. Tired of fighting all the time and walking on eggshells in my own house.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

philcollins1 said:


> About last saturday's date:
> 
> We went to the restaurant and we brought the baby with us. Baby cried a bit then fell asleep. Wife was not into it at all, complaining about our table and the waitress. She even told me to finish my plate so we could get the F out. Wow. We did not talk a word during the diner.
> 
> ...


I have a very close friend who's situation is almost exactly like yours (so much so I thought you might actually be him when I first started reading your post). I watched as his wife immediately put him on lockdown from the day they started dating. She abandoned all her friends and made her entire life him and now him and the kids. We all warned him before the even got married that not allowing him to do anything wasn't normal. Now 10 years later he's in the same boat as you.

At some point you need to stick up for your friends. I'm coming at this from your friend's point of view. Obviously family comes first, but you have a relationship with your friends that needs attention too. You need to start putting your foot down and doing what YOU want to do occasionally. She'll no doubt ***** and moan about it, but she's going to have to get over it.


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## philcollins1 (Sep 27, 2013)

Her sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder so I think maybe she has the same thing... Unfortunately, she denies it and doesn't want to consult.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> Her sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder so I think maybe she has the same thing... Unfortunately, she denies it and doesn't want to consult.


You're doing a great job building a case against her -- you've even made yourself an amateur psychiatrist expert witness. 

What are you looking for here, permission to walk out? Sounds like you screwed up buddy. You married her and brought a child into the world with her. If that wasn't what you wanted to do, you sure screwed up. And now you have to figure out how you're going to take responsibility for that -- work harder at making the marriage work? Leave? 

I can't tell you whether or not to leave, but leaving has real, big boy consequences that I'm not sure you're ready to face, because you don't sound like you're being a grown man about things so far. You want strangers to tell you how terrible your wife is, you can always find them on the internet. But it's your life and your child, not theirs.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

John Lee said:


> You're doing a great job building a case against her -- you've even made yourself an amateur psychiatrist expert witness.


How's he doing that at all? Her friggin sister is bipolar, so it's not unreasonable for him to say she "maybe" has some of the same thing. He also points out that she refuses to get checked. Sounds to me like some form of depression is a real possibility. Hard to know though if the person refuses to seek a doctor. That's on her, not him.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

hawkeye said:


> How's he doing that at all? Her friggin sister is bipolar, so it's not unreasonable for him to say she "maybe" has some of the same thing. He also points out that she refuses to get checked. Sounds to me like some form of depression is a real possibility. Hard to know though if the person refuses to seek a doctor. That's on her, not him.


Good grief man, do you have any idea what bipolar is even like? It leads to pretty extreme behavior, it's not just like sit-around-on-the-couch mopey depressed don't feel like going out. If his wife was exhibiting serious psychological problems, I'd say definitely, put your foot down, insist that she sees a psychiatrist like a husband should do. But that's not what's going on here at all, from what I've read so far, so the "bipolar" thing is just a distraction, just a way of not dealing with the problem at hand.

Question: how were you managing to go out 1-3x per month and sleep over at your buddies' house every other month before the baby was born if your wife is really such a controlling person? Are you sure this isn't partly a response to the fact that you have a baby now? It's pretty realistic to expect to go out a lot less once you have one. 

Another question: Is she a good and responsible mom? Does she make sure the baby is fed and clothed and gets its naps and shots and all that? Is she attached to the baby and is the baby attached to her?


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Good grief man, do you have any idea what bipolar is even like? It leads to pretty extreme behavior, it's not just like sit-around-on-the-couch mopey depressed don't feel like going out. If his wife was exhibiting serious psychological problems, I'd say definitely, put your foot down, insist that she sees a psychiatrist like a husband should do. But that's not what's going on here at all, from what I've read so far, so the "bipolar" thing is just a distraction, just a way of not dealing with the problem at hand.


That'd be why i said "some form of depression is a real possibility".


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She may have some postpartum depression, the baby isnt quite a year old yet. But from what he has described here, she is antisocial even at her best. It isnt fair that the same be expected of him. I do not get the impression that he goes out a lot and goes crazy, or that he is lazy at home and ignores her. She has issues, and it would seem that a doc visit could be in order, she probably needs meds.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm thinking there may be some resentment there. Hang with me for a second. 

I stay at home with a 2 year old and a 5 month old. It's hell. I don't care what some men think. I'm not sitting on my butt all day long watching soaps. I am doing laundry, washing dishes, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming floors, dusting furniture, cleaning toilets, cleaning counter tops, etc. While doing all of that, I have to stop to clean up toys, change diapers, bring the 2 year old to the potty, listen to them whine/cry (and THAT'S the killer), make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the kids and my husband ( he comes home for lunches most of the time). As well as teach my kids the things they need to know to grow and mature. 

When/IF I can get both kids to nap at the same time, I have to ensure that all of the bills are paid and up to date, make needed appointments, makes lists for groceries/needed home supplies. If I have completed those tasks...and only then, I get 20 minutes of free time before the kids are up and at it again. 

If my Husband and I were on good terms and he wanted to go out with his friends, he could...but he damn well better not stay the night with them. Maybe you have done this enough for her to build major resentment toward you. Maybe she doesn't trust that you are doing what you say...I mean if you're staying the night at a different house while too drunk to even drive home, that could easily lead to mistrust and her thinking you are doing other things. Her resentment could lead to lack of sex/passion/intimacy. It really just depends. 

Calling her a control freak without knowing her side is a bit harsh. He says he does everything right...well if everyone did everything right all the time, no one would be here...would they? Everyone just married a psycho? No. It's a partnership and sometimes, one partner THINKS they are doing everything right when in reality, that is not the case. 

This is prime example of that. OP didn't think that spending the night away from home while going out and getting drunk was wrong. For many people it most definitely is.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What Staarz said. Honestly I find it a little hard to believe that this guy is really solo taking care of the baby the whole time he's home (although I agree he shouldn't be, if he is), because if he was he would realize that it is a "chore" as much as it can be enjoyable. And the whole "enough chores to make any women happy" statement makes me wonder a little too. I don't think a guy who works full time should have to completely take over parenting and household stuff once he gets home, but I also don't think having a stay at home wife should be a complete free pass -- you both spent the whole day working, apart, and when you get home, you split the responsibilities. That's the equal way to do it.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> ahh. The cave-man approach.


Lol maybe so, but my wife doesn't forbid me to do anything. Being the leader if the household may be "cave-man" but it is our role as men. I assume your wife tells you what to do in your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> She may have some postpartum depression, the baby isnt quite a year old yet. But from what he has described here, she is antisocial even at her best. It isnt fair that the same be expected of him. I do not get the impression that he goes out a lot and goes crazy, or that he is lazy at home and ignores her. She has issues, and it would seem that a doc visit could be in order, she probably needs meds.


Ppd might be an option if this was postpartum behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Just what exactly is she doing on Facebook all the time if she a) has no friends and just family relationships and b) she is 'shy, lacking confidence and antisocial'? I assume you are friends with her on FB, so what kinds of statuses does she make? And does she seem envious of anyone on Facebook, people who she may think is better than her?

I'm not getting a sense of what you actually like about your wife. For you to say, "...I had doubts about the relationship. I was thinking about leaving but did not have the balls. I gave her a chance..." speaks volumes about how you feel about the relationship (not even taking into account her behavior). Why specifically did you feel you couldn't leave the relationship years ago? Do you still feel that way?

Lastly, while I am a firm believer that people in romantic relationships should have outside friendships, I do think you are being excessive in both the amount you want to go out and 'be with friends' and how you spend that time. Regardless of what your wife is doing/not doing and how you feel towards her, you are still a husband and father. Going out once a month and getting so drunk you have to wait the next day to come home is, to be frank, behavior that is childish and selfish. You are leaving your wife to continue her job of SAHMing when you do that, yet you get to have 'time off' from your job while you're doing that. That's not exactly fair, is it? 
And I'd like to ask what is the atmosphere at these drunk get-togethers that go late into the night. Any flirting or sexual talk between the different couples? Do you ever feel attracted to any of the wives there?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I ask my wife if she wanna join us and she never wants. My friends wives, on the other side, are cooperative and they don't forbid their husbands going out. They also often join us.


You both can't get drunk and stay on the couch over night. And what's your solution to who is going to watch the baby if you both go? How many of your friends have children?


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> You both can't get drunk and stay on the couch over night. And what's your solution to who is going to watch the baby if you both go? How many of your friends have children?


Like I said earlier, I've got a buddy in the same situation. Almost all our friends have kids, and most multiple children. He's the ONLY one on lockdown by his wife. Sometimes the other guys come out alone while the kids stay at home. Other times they find a babysitter and come out as a couple. It's not brain surgery.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Is It Just Me said:


> Just what exactly is she doing on Facebook all the time if she a) has no friends and just family relationships


That's a good question. I've been wondering the same thing. 



> Lastly, while I am a firm believer that people in romantic relationships should have outside friendships, I do think you are being excessive in both the amount you want to go out and 'be with friends'


*Once every 1-2 months is excessive?????*
:scratchhead:

Are you f**king kidding me??



> You are leaving your wife to continue her job of SAHMing when you do that, yet you get to have 'time off' from your job while you're doing that. That's not exactly fair, is it?


It is fair. She's been invited to go along, and she always refuses. Nor does she go out for girl's nights outs with her friends, since she chooses not to have any friends.



To Philcollins1,

Awhile ago on TAM there was a thread where people discussed the number of friends they had outside their marriage. A lot of people claimed they had NO friends other than their spouse, and thought that was fine. So when you read the responses on here, keep in mind that's the perspective many of the people here are coming from.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> All my friends wives are normal, enjoy going out and have the company of others. Mines, on the other side, does not. She is insecure, has low self esteem and has no friends. *Her closest friends are her family and my parents. lol. and me of course.*


Not wrong to have close friends among family members. She has FB friends. JFTR I have girlfriends and my husband does not have friends like I do. My friends are not "drinking buddies". 

Personally I don't think your friends sound healthy. Your friends wives are scary IMO if they enjoy going out and getting sloppy drunk and sleeping on someone's couch when they have babies.

Maybe your wife feels the same way I do about your friends? Maybe she argues and complains because you have "friends" who are lining up to agree with you about what a controlling ***** she is, you stay out overnight sloppy drunk on other people's couches, and because you are gone for weeks at a time to other states and she feels unheard, abandoned, and stuck?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

philcollins1 said:


> But it's not only about drinking and sleeping over. It about going out. Even if no alcohol is involved, she doesn't want me to go out.
> 
> I have my own business. I'm working hard to find contracts but recently, I had to decline an offer because my wife wasn't cooperative. The job was in another state so I needed to stay there for two weeks. She was so angry just because I would not be there to take care of the baby. It's her own words. She asked "Who will take care of the baby??? Me again???" She threatened to leave because of this argument.
> 
> Parenthood is not supposed to be a chore!


Parenthood isn't a chore* for you* because you're going out drinking and overnight and out of state for two weeks and and and...

Are your family members close enough to help with childcare? I don't hear in your posts that you understand how draining it is to take care of a baby day in and day out with no breaks EVER.

The only date with your wife you mentioned, *you took the baby with you and she whined half the time*

I'd MUCH rather be home than out in a restaurant with a whining baby!!!! And I sure wouldn't want to have sex with you if that's the best you could do, Romeo.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Not wrong to have close friends among family members. She has FB friends. JFTR I have girlfriends and my husband does not have friends like I do. My friends are not "drinking buddies".
> 
> *Personally I don't think your friends sound healthy. Your friends wives are scary IMO if they enjoy going out and getting sloppy drunk and sleeping on someone's couch when they have babies.*
> 
> Maybe your wife feels the same way I do about your friends? Maybe she argues and complains because you have "friends" who are lining up to agree with you about what a controlling ***** she is, you stay out overnight sloppy drunk on other people's couches, and because you are gone for weeks at a time to other states and she feels unheard, abandoned, and stuck?


Why is that scary or unhealthy? We've sent our daughter to grandma and grandpa for an overnight or a weekend once every couple months since she was very young. Gives us a break, a chance to let loose, gives the grandparents time with their grandchild, and our daughter time with her grandparents. A win all around. Nothing scary or unhealthy about it. Just because people have a kid doesn't mean they have to put a halt on everything they once enjoyed.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> Lol maybe so, but my wife doesn't forbid me to do anything. Being the leader if the household may be "cave-man" but it is our role as men. I assume your wife tells you what to do in your marriage?


..assume? No, sorry to dissappoint. Nobody really tells anybody anything if by that you mean 'ordering'.

I just find the insistence on being alpha dog and 'leader'...funny when it gets equated with 'our role as men'. Thats all.

I suppose my wife could 'forbid' me to do things I guess.

me: "Hey Honey - Im going to a strip club to rub crotches with the skanks for a few hours and then a me and a buncha guys are going clubbing. I'm probably going to get $#itfaced.. so I'll just sleep over. See you tomorrow."

her: 'yeah, right.'

me: 'just kidding'. 

..all in fun.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Blonde said:


> ...Personally I don't think your friends sound healthy. Your friends wives are scary IMO if they enjoy going out and getting sloppy drunk and sleeping on someone's couch when they have babies.
> 
> Maybe your wife feels the same way I do about your friends? Maybe she argues and complains because you have "friends" who are lining up to agree with you about what a controlling ***** she is, you stay out overnight sloppy drunk on other people's couches, and because you are gone for weeks at a time to other states and she feels unheard, abandoned, and stuck?


I tend to agree with you, but lets not unnecessarily add too many 'sloppy's. Going out getting drunk pretty much says enough.

I think both he and she have a little growing up to do, really.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

philcollins1 said:


> But it's not only about drinking and sleeping over. It about going out. Even if no alcohol is involved, she doesn't want me to go out.
> 
> I have my own business. I'm working hard to find contracts but recently, I had to decline an offer because my wife wasn't cooperative. The job was in another state so I needed to stay there for two weeks. She was so angry just because I would not be there to take care of the baby. It's her own words. She asked "Who will take care of the baby??? Me again???" She threatened to leave because of this argument.
> 
> Parenthood is not supposed to be a chore!


Laugh - I almost fell out of my chair laughing at the last line. Yes... yes it is. Doesnt make it bad.

I think you are both wrong. She is overreacting and dramatic and controlling and you are tone deaf and dont appreciate or even acknowledge how your own behaior impacts your family life.

I cant decide which is worse - her controlling behavior or your dismissiveness. They are both bad, seems to me - and you are both feeding off each other in this respect.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Laugh - I almost fell out of my chair laughing at the last line. Yes... yes it is. Doesnt make it bad.
> 
> I think you are both wrong. She is overreacting and dramatic and controlling and you are tone deaf and dont appreciate or even acknowledge how your own behaior impacts your family life.
> 
> I cant decide which is worse - her controlling behavior or your dismissiveness. They are both bad, seems to me - and you are both feeding off each other in this respect.


Yeah, I totally agree with this. I mean you can never know the whole picture from what someone says here, but there are some revealing details -- e.g. thinking parenting isn't supposed to be a chore, sleeping over drunk at friends houses, and the buddies who came over and set something on fire. And the way OP talks about his wife is a little weird, like she's a stranger who showed up in his house. Didn't you marry the woman? Isn't there a reason? Was she always doing nothing but sitting on the couch or only since the baby?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Because sometimes people think they can change someone when they can't. Everyone has made the mistake of being with someone who you think would change for the better after you marry them or stay committed to them for a number of years. It can happen to anyone, he can't change that he is married to her now all they can do is look at the situation for what is worth at the time being.

The friend set something on fire by accident and she didn't talk to him for three days! That is not normal either. Things happened out of our control but withholding communication, not wanting to talk to a therapists does NOT HELP either. What boggles my mind and yet I will repeat this AGAIN is that this man wanted to go to a therapist with her to work out their issues he said TIME and TIME again he comes here for help and he get's run over by some posters here for clearly trying to fix his marriage. If his wife refuses to get help then he can't help her no matter what he does .

What I think you should do is look for possible outside help see an IC on your own to talk about your issues all you can do is work within your self and improve yourself and your short comings I think people were nick picking at some of the things you said and I feel you didn't mean it in the way it was interpreted, ( I do that a lot ) See someone for yourself see what you can do for yourself and if she is still not willing to change or at least appreciate those changes then maybe it's time to see a divorce attorney. You are not alone marriage is tough and sometimes we all don't get things right we are all flawed.

Good Luck

-Kris


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If my h spent the night like that, I'd pack my bags and leave. Sleepovers are crossing the line unless he is hunting/fishing or vacation. A deal breaker for me.

I do think your wife should not stop you from going out with friends once a month. You need your free time as much as she needs her own free time.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

What a bunch of babies. It seems as if the people in this topic don't stay out past 5 p.m. God forbid - the guy wants to have a social life. Just because you have a kid does not mean your life ends that day. You only have one life - please enjoy it. Why be miserable? 

Your wife sucks. My girl hates most of my buddies but if I was going out to one of their houses to drink - if she didn't want me sleeping there - she would come with to make sure I got home alright - as I would her. Marriages are about meeting half way. Just because you are a husband and father - that does NOT mean you cannot be a friend. 

She doesn't put out - AND I highly doubt that is because of him going out once a year. She is depressed. She is most likely LD. 

Do not listen to these people. When that kid gets older and no longer needs your attention - you will be completely miserable. You will be an old man with no friends and a miserable wife having sex once a year if your lucky. Is this what you want? There are THOUSANDS of women who will let you have time with your buddies. 

There are only a couple people here who agree with your wife. Just know, that there are tons who are on your side. My girl and all of her g/f's let there hubbies go out, just like your friend's wives. Start sticking up for yourself. If she wants to whine about - then let her. It's not your fault that she doesn't want to do anything enjoyable. 

If she's not willing to seek help or change, then let her and her facebook be miserable together. Focus on your kid and focus on getting YOUR life back. Having a kid and being married DOES NOT mean you are dead to the world. There are THOUSANDS of us with kids in healthy fulfilled marriages that go out and drink and have sex and have friends. Live!


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Listen to wise, seriously I don't know what kind of relationships some of these other posters have but jesus I'm betting their partners are really miserable having to put up with their warped and twisted view of the world.


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