# Why does he not confess??



## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

I just don't know what else I can do to make him come clean.
I tried to make the whole thing as comfortable as possible for him. I told him that I will be there for him, he just has to let it all out. I told him, that I love him and we can work through this. I told him, that all I need from him is to tell me the whole thing, so I can move on and work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him, you will just admit something I already know. I just need to hear it from him.........

He tells me always a little more, but why doesn't he just let it all out? I told him I am very hurt, but what hurts me more is, that he does not have the trust in me to deal with the truth......
He still says he never touched her. When he saw her guilt came over him, he had to think about his family!!
He said the night that he was over her house, he found out that he is not capable of cheating and that I am his one and only..........
This is so obvious, and I made him feel as comfortable as I could in my situation, but he still sticks to his version, that nothing has ever happened??


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its really hard. I played the game with my hubby they get scared.


----------



## cloudy (Feb 6, 2009)

sunflower said:


> Ya its really hard. I played the game with my hubby they get scared.


Did he ever confess??


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I've never cheated, never even came close or thought much about it.

However, as a man, I can say that I see why it would be SO hard to "come clean".

I'll list my thoughts of why they won't come clean in order of the biggest reasons.

1. He is completely ashamed of what he did. So much that he doesn't even want to hear himself say it out loud.

2. He is dead scared that you will leave him, even though you've said you won't and will work on the relationship.

3. He doesn't want to see you hurt even more, no matter if you "know" it to be true already, you and I both know that the second it comes out of his mouth you will cry/sob and will be hurt inside even more. 

That's my guess.


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I think thats why my husband left out the butt grab with the kissing cause he didnt want to hurt me more. I FLIPPED and lost weight wouldnt sleep I was a mess and he was a mess seing me in such a mess from what he did.


----------



## aces (Mar 28, 2009)

cloudy said:


> I just don't know what else I can do to make him come clean.
> I tried to make the whole thing as comfortable as possible for him. I told him that I will be there for him, he just has to let it all out. I told him, that I love him and we can work through this. I told him, that all I need from him is to tell me the whole thing, so I can move on and work on rebuilding our relationship. I told him, you will just admit something I already know. I just need to hear it from him.........
> 
> He tells me always a little more, but why doesn't he just let it all out? I told him I am very hurt, but what hurts me more is, that he does not have the trust in me to deal with the truth......
> ...


try this. hope it helps you.
DearPeggy.com - The "Need to Know" about Extramarital Affairs


----------



## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My husband hides his affairs, and I would be more hurt knowing if he did do more than he said. Often, I want to confess my sins to hubby of my inappropriate chats, but he refuses to listen. He keeps saying I minimize my story, and I really haven't been doing much, but he refuses to believe me. Knowing more or less really doesn't dissolve the pain and hurt any faster.


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I dont know if its good to know every little detail of it cause it hurts I am now just able to watch things were there is a kissing scene withought freaking out. INSIDE anyways!


----------



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> I've never cheated, never even came close or thought much about it.
> 
> However, as a man, I can say that I see why it would be SO hard to "come clean".
> 
> ...


These were EXACTLY what my husband said were the reasons it took him a long time to confess his affair to me-despite the fact that he had ended it. Revitalized husband, you were right on with this one! 

OP, it could be that it is just very, very difficult for your husband to talk about what he did. In my opinion, this speaks very well of your husband--that he has a conscience and that he isn't just matter of fact about what he did. 

There is also this thing called "trickle truth" where it takes awhile for the person who had the affair to actual "process" what happened, what they did, etc. and get to a point where they are actually able to talk about it with you. I don't know if this is the case with your husband, but it might be something to keep in mind. 

Are you in MC? I know it is always mentioned here as a necessary step in recovery but sometimes it is really helpful to have a trained 3rd party to lead difficult discussions.


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

hmm.. Ya thats crazy how would you know if they had feelings for that person or not?


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well I think RH is right on the money with his response. Cloudy, how long have you known? For me, its been almost 8 months and tonight's a rough night for me...its why I'm here. My husband sounds like yours only he was forced in to confessing. I found emails with photos with no other explanation. Even so he tried to lie. So I told him to get out I was filing for divorce. He decided he wanted me back and the first thing I said to him is tell me if you slept with her and if you lie I will never speak to you again...I meant every word of it. Only then did he confess, otherwise I guarantee that he never would have told me. Every detail I get is because he feels cornered. One night, I'd had enough, I got a suitcase out started to pack at 2am. He finally came forward with more of the story. To this day, I still don't think I have the full story. Some people ask (on this forum only 2 other people know as I keep this very private) why do you need to know the details. I want to know when, where, what was said, what were there plans. Those things do matter to me. I feel like he asked me to forgive him but refuses to tell me what he did so I can't forgive him. Only recently did I find out he looked at an apartment and she "happened to call him when he was on his way over and joined him" but claimed he had made it clear to her she wasn't moving in..do I believe this? I don't actually...

Anyway, I know how you feel. I think you are approaching this right. Make it safe and if he does confess, listen. Really listen. Don't get defensive, angry or every throw it back at him. This is for YOU not him. Because if you do, he will shut down. At some point you will have to decide you have enough and you believe you have the whole story and then you will be able to move on. I'm not there yet. Its taken him too long and there's nothing safe about how he's given me no choice. I've had to threaten to find out what I know. I'm just afraid he's damaged my trust to far to ever get it back.


----------

