# New guy, newly married, having issues



## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Look, I love my wife, she’s fun, beautiful, and sweet(I’m 25, she’s 23, we got married June ’19 after 2 years of dating), but, since roughly October, we bicker or full on argue about something nearly each day. I get you’re not going to agree with your partner on everything, but, it really is nearly everyday we find something to argue about. Maybe some of it stems from us not living together prior to marrying and just us trying to adapt to living with someone else.

I’m not a saint in any of this, I’ve been in the wrong before. When I’ve “ lost it”, I resorted to calling her a brat or spoiled, things in that realm, but, I like to think, more often than not, I try and hear her side, and learn from the disagreement. More often than not with her, its straight to scoffing, pouting, moans & groans, arm folding, eye rolling, silent treatment/let me look at my phone, put in my earbuds, & pretend you don’t exist. 

After awhile, one of us usually apologizes, cuddle session, move on, but there have been times where it’s been days of very little conversing & lots of “ I’m going to leave the room when you walk in”. It’s rare that we ever address what happened, its just, “ lets not bring up what we fought about, it’ll only cause another fight,” so, the exact same fight is bound to happen again.

Sometimes its dumb stuff like “Its your turn to feed the dog. No, its not, its yours. I’m almost positive its yours” back and forth. Other times its bigger like me forgetting to tell her I’m working late. I’ve gone back & forth with the ideas of 1) pitching marriage counseling to her, or, 2) just going to see someone by myself to see what I can do on my end. I’d like to do it, but, a part of me thinks this can be fixed, and also, that stuff costs money and the budget’s pretty tight now.


what do I do?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well this is how I would start:

Sit her down on the couch and look her in the eye. Proceed to tell her everything you love about her and why you chose her to be your partner in life. After that you explain to her that because of all the wonderful great things you love about her....it hurts you badly to treat each other like you do and you want nothing more in life than to be able to give each other the best possible versions of each other. .........I bet you can think of a few ways to take it from there.

This is not a blame conversation....it is a let’s be great together conversation


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Well this is how I would start:
> 
> Sit her down on the couch and look her in the eye. Proceed to tell her everything you love about her and why you chose her to be your partner in life. After that you explain to her that because of all the wonderful great things you love about her....it hurts you badly to treat each other like you do and you want nothing more in life than to be able to give each other the best possible versions of each other. .........I bet you can think of a few ways to take it from there.
> 
> This is not a blame conversation....it is a let’s be great together conversation


I think, and this is just my early brainstorm: Do what I did when we started dating, spontaneous flowers, " I love you" texts & gifts, nicer dinners out


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Most successful marriages are where one party is more accommodating than the other.....unfortunately.

Where one bends, the other does less, agh!, not.

Where one says or does little for the sake of peace.

Marriage meets reality at the end of a rope. Hang on or drop free.

Those that have it the worse are those that never learned to share or compromise, or work as a team.

Sharing, at home, with many brothers or sisters, or learnng from a tour in the military.



TT 1-


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You both need to learn how to fight fair.

Humans are mostly buttheads and you are going to fight. The key is learning to have positive confrontations instead of war or cold war.

You both need to realize that it is ok to have bad days, disagreements and occasionally a confrontation or fight but there are rules to follow if you both want to grow as individuals and as a couple.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Most successful marriages are where one party is more accommodating than the other.....unfortunately.
> 
> Where one bends, the other does less, agh!, not.
> 
> ...


We both grew up as an only child, so, that might be a factor, possibly


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> You both need to learn how to fight fair.
> 
> Humans are mostly buttheads and you are going to fight. The key is learning to have positive confrontations instead of war or cold war.
> 
> You both need to realize that it is ok to have bad days, disagreements and occasionally a confrontation or fight but there are rules to follow if you both want to grow as individuals and as a couple.



I try my best to stay cool, do the " let me hear her side, present my side", sometimes it works out but other times, it doesn't take long before its disintegrated into ugliness and eating in separate rooms and whatnot


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Pick and chose your battles. You have to be the bigger person and hopefully the love and kindness will rub off on her. 

It’s your turn to feed the dog.... you should just get up and feed the dog regardless of if it’s your turn or not. This is not worth fighting over. 

As far as you forgetting to tell her your working late... let her be upset and mad, and just say your right it totally slipped my mind, I’m so sorry. I’ll try to remember next time. The end. Why does it need to drag on more than that.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Pick and chose your battles. You have to be the bigger person and hopefully the love and kindness will rub off on her.
> 
> It’s your turn to feed the dog.... you should just get up and feed the dog regardless of if it’s your turn or not. This is not worth fighting over.
> 
> As far as you forgetting to tell her your working late... let her be upset and mad, and just say your right it totally slipped my mind, I’m so sorry. I’ll try to remember next time. The end. Why does it need to drag on more than that.


I apologize, I explain I was swamped, but that gets met with, " I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team", overdramatic stuff like that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And things shouldnt be so tit for tat. Like taking turns to do things is really weird to me. Marriage is about being teammates. There are times when your partner is going to be going through a tough time and you have to pit your big girl or boy panties on and have to do the brunt of the work. And vice versa.

When someone forgets to do something the other persoN should just do it. Not constantly remind them that they forgot to x,y,z.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> And things shouldnt be so tit for tat. Like taking turns to do things is really weird to me. Marriage is about being teammates. There are times when your partner is going to be going through a tough time and you have to pit your big girl or boy panties on and have to do the brunt of the work. And vice versa.
> 
> When someone forgets to do something the other persoN should just do it. Not constantly remind them that they forgot to x,y,z.


Taking turns was how we initially just decided to do apt.chores so we'd have an easy, equal system, clearly its a flawed system at this point.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ChicagoBred said:


> Look, I love my wife, she’s fun, beautiful, and sweet(I’m 25, she’s 23, we got married June ’19 after 2 years of dating), but, since roughly October, we bicker or full on argue about something nearly each day. I get you’re not going to agree with your partner on everything, but, it really is nearly everyday we find something to argue about. Maybe some of it stems from us not living together prior to marrying and just us trying to adapt to living with someone else.
> 
> I’m not a saint in any of this, I’ve been in the wrong before. When I’ve “ lost it”, I resorted to calling her a brat or spoiled, things in that realm, but, I like to think, more often than not, I try and hear her side, and learn from the disagreement. More often than not with her, its straight to scoffing, pouting, moans & groans, arm folding, eye rolling, silent treatment/let me look at my phone, put in my earbuds, & pretend you don’t exist.
> 
> ...


It looks like your both trying to be the #1 in charge. But your both are passive aggressive in your dealings. That said THIS WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE! It's time to talk before a argument, and l truly mean this talk calmly if you want to be the leader of your family SET THE EXAMPLE! when you talk of things hell give in alittle, pick your battles. This is the time to be the leader and not demand it. You earn RESPECT, it not given freely. Show her in ways she can understand get this to start: 

The Five Love Languages
Book by Gary Chapman

Learn to show Love and it will be rewarded to you, if not one of you will fulfill everybody's " l told you so" or cheating will start by one of you by someone who gives you the kibble's of if you had me l would treat you better. Look below this text and understand the grass isn't greener, and the other. The time is upon you to set the pace of peace and togetherness. Not rage and exploitation of your spouse. MAN UP! Remember when someone in your life said you will go through rough times, trust me in this it has only begun for both of you. Now what are you going to do about it? 

I wait to see some of your replys before l can be of some encouragement for you , possibly or just lay it out for you honesty.

Tilted


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ChicagoBred said:


> I think, and this is just my early brainstorm: Do what I did when we started dating, spontaneous flowers, " I love you" texts & gifts, nicer dinners out


Okay yeah, do that. And why did you stop? Don't worry, most men stop. No idea why. I've read some men say it's too hard and once they got her, they don't want to have to do that work anymore. Total rubbish is what I think.

While all of that would be great, your marriage requires more work and effort from both of you. The *MarriageBuilders.com* site is perfect for you. I like to call it the do-it-yourself marriage counseling and since finances may be of issue, free is the most inexpensive route to understanding the concepts of marriage and learning the tools to build a great marriage. It's way better than most marriage counselors are capable of offering anyway. You and your wife both read the articles on the right side of the page and apply the concepts. Also do the questionnaires that accompany the articles. All the articles are great and supremely helpful, but my favorite ones are The Love Bank and The Policy of Joint Agreement.

Other than that, you should make more effort to be considerate. For the life of me, I can't figure out how not calling to inform her you're working late can possibly turn into an argument when all it takes is a simple apology when she complains about your lack of consideration. And she needs to stop being so childish. If however, you don't listen to her - and listening requires more than just hearing - then stop arguing and start listening. Stop thinking that what you have to say and your reasons for doing what you did or not doing what you didn't do are more important than her feelings about what you did or didn't do. That's what usually makes a person want to shut down and ignore their spouse. This means that I sense you are mostly the cause of the arguments because the fights you describe point mainly to you. And it's a simple matter to stop the arguments about whose turn it is to feed the dog if you and she will decide instead that only one of you should assume the chore. Since you're the one here expressing your concern about the arguments, then you're the one selected to volunteer. Put your money where your mouth is if you really want to contribute to the fix. Feeding the dog is now solely your chore. She can help out when you have to work late. See how easy that was? If it's somehow impossible to be your chore alone, then do a daily feeding calendar or weekly calender. A calendar can't be argued with. Breakfast is hers. Dinner is yours. Or Monday is hers. Tuesday is yours, and so on. There now, no way to wonder whose turn it is. Now all you have to do is make sure you don't argue over how the calendar gets planned out. It needs to be a collaboration.

Figure these things out for yourself. If you don't want disagreements, then don't disagree. Work together instead. Be considerate instead. Start adulting.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

Remember your wife connects with you through her emotions. If you speak to her in a loving way she most likely will do the same. Yelling and screaming is losing control. You do not want that. If she screams ask her why. Keep it calm. You are the man. If you treat her like the first time you met you may see a different person with her. Do not argue over petty things. Remember you are a team. Also it takes a good six months or so after moving in together to adjust to one another. After you both click that will help. Smile hug her kiss her. That most likely sets the mood. JMO


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

StarFires said:


> Okay yeah, do that. And why did you stop? Don't worry, most men stop. No idea why. I've read some men say it's too hard and once they got her, they don't want to have to do that work anymore. Total rubbish is what I think.
> 
> While all of that would be great, your marriage requires more work and effort from both of you. The site is perfect for you. I like to call it the do-it-yourself marriage counseling and since finances may be of issue, free is the most inexpensive route to understanding the concepts of marriage and learning the tools to build a great marriage. It's way better than most marriage counselors are capable of offering anyway. You and your wife both read the articles on the right side of the page and apply the concepts. Also do the questionnaires that accompany the articles. All the articles are great and supremely helpful, but my favorite ones are The Love Bank and The Policy of Joint Agreement.
> 
> ...


The dinners & gifts stopped because of expenses, and I think a calendar is a great idea


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Some basic rules from my side:

Always assume good intentions. 

Try to stay rational, reasonable, and compassionate even when it’s hard. 

Almost nothing is actually a big deal if you take the big picture. 

If she’s going to sulk or give you the silent treatment, treat it like a vacation. 

Nothing defuses an argument like humour. 

You both are so young. You have much to learn. Come up with some rules for how to fight, how to divvy up chores, and what are big deals and what aren’t. 

Be good to each other.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Lord knows I treat the silent treatment as if its a death sentence and go into overdrive to get it to stop.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ChicagoBred said:


> I try my best to stay cool, do the " let me hear her side, present my side", sometimes it works out but other times, it doesn't take long before its disintegrated into ugliness and eating in separate rooms and whatnot





ChicagoBred said:


> I apologize, I explain I was swamped, but that gets met with, " I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team", overdramatic stuff like that.


And BINGO! There it is right there. I was typing as the thread grew with responses, so I didn't see these before I posted. And man, I love it when I'm right. And I'm usually right. >

You don't listen. You just want to be heard. You think what you have to say is more important than her feelings about your actions. You think your reasons are supposed to make your actions acceptable. And you have the nerve to ignore her to the point of calling her feelings "overdramatic stuff." That is as dismissive, minimizing, and disrespectful as a person can possibly get.

Women don't like her man doing this. They hate it. And lots of guys have a tendency to do it. You need to stop. You're pushing your wife away. Read through these boards, espcially the Sex in Marriage forum, and see how often men complain of not getting sex. I obviously can't say it's always their own fault, but I know that, like you, many guys don't have any idea of how they spent months and years pushing their wife away and making her sick of their crap. So, if a year from now or 10 years from now you're on this board complaining about your sexless marriage, look back on this thread and you'll see why.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ChicagoBred said:


> I apologize, I explain I was swamped, but that gets met with, " I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team", overdramatic stuff like that.


Tell her that she’s very important, then repeat that you got swamped and are sorry for not contacting her. Tell her that you don’t want to fight about it. It’s not worth fighting about things all the time, trust me. My husband and I were like that for the first year of our marriage: we fought like cats and dogs, and it was a terrible first year. I’m sure there were good moments too, but they were overshadowed by a lot of garbage. This didn’t stop; it continued for the next 3 years until I went mute and only talked to him about superficial stuff: how was your day, how was work, gee the weather sure is nice. Then we separated, and eventually got divorced. Do you want that to happen to you, too? I agree with there person who suggested sitting down for a heart-to-heart. Your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have a husband who cares enough about the marriage to actively seek out help in repairing it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Marduk said:


> ... If she’s going to sulk or give you the silent treatment, treat it like a vacation.


This one takes some skill but really can get the message across. Imagine, for example, the situation of not telling her you were working late. You didn't mean it with evil intent (you weren't purposefully trying to hurt her) and you did apologize for being thoughtless, but she chooses to sulk and give you the silent treatment. 

The way you are handling it now, you maybe try to EXPLAIN what happened or why (and she shuts you out even more), or you become a doormat so she'll talk to you again, or you take the blame when you don't honestly feel like you were wrong... and that's not working for ya! Plus, it's not teaching her that the silent treatment is not a mature way to respond. 

The goal of her technique (silent treatment) is to essentially punish you into giving in by withholding the prize (her). If you explain, become a doormat, or take the blame, you are showing her that her technique works! She'll do it again (and she'll get her way)! But if you treat it like a vacation, you are showing her that her technique BACKFIRES! Not only does she not get her way...you get YOUR WAY! She'll stop doing it. 

Here is what treating it like a vacation looks like in practical terms. Use the above scenario....you work late, she pouts, you apologize honestly for the part you did play, she doesn't forgive and goes into silent treatment. "Treating it like a vacation" would be taking the attitude like "Okay well if the person I'm living with isn't going to talk to me, I will do some of the things I deeply enjoy and have myself a heck of a fun time doing my own thing!" I'm going to envision you...maybe you like to play video games but you gave them up to spend time with her. Maybe you like to work on your dirtbike, but you don't do it nearly as much so you can be with her. Maybe you like to lift weights with the guys and you've done less of it to be with her. Okay--she's giving you the silent treatment so YOU ARE ON VACATION, buddy! Do whatcha love! Have fun! Order a $6 Dominoes for yourself (that flavor you love that she hates). Go work on your car and then play video games when you're done. 

The idea is not to do all the stuff that pisses her off to make her even more mad. The idea is "Hey if you want to be silent toward me, I am perfectly capable of living without you and having a happy life that I enjoy" and then proceeding to do so. Don't follow her around or beg for her attention--but a guy who's learning new skills and has friends and won't sit around waiting for a pouty wife. And YEP you can do all this on a budget. Hey, read that Star Trek nerdy book you've been wanting to read...it's FREE. Make your favorite snack: popcorn...it's FREE. Lifting weights is free. Working on your bike or car is free. See what I mean? 

Regarding this:


StarFires said:


> ... You don't listen. You just want to be heard. You think what you have to say is more important than her feelings about your actions. You think your reasons are supposed to make your actions acceptable. ...


I'm not going to comment on the rest of what @StarFires wrote, as that's not my opinion. But this part stood out to me. In fact you do want to be heard. That is what most of us want: we want to feel like someone in the wide world HEARD us and knows us and loves us inspite of ourselves. I'm not going to venture a guess what "You think" because I don't know you and I'm not in your head, but what I will guess is that you would like to be heard, and she would probably ALSO like to be heard. 

Most people, when they are "discussing vehemently" don't really listen to what the other person is saying. Instead, they kind of think ahead to what their own response is going to be. Like if you are talking, I think about what I'm going to say back...not what you're saying! But in order for a person to feel heard...we have to listen differently. Don't just listen so you can reply. Listen to the words they are saying, to the way their body is expressing something, and to the words they are NOT saying or why they chose the words they chose. What is the concept they are trying to get across? 

Sooo...using the example above: you worked late and didn't tell her. What did she say? "I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team." When she was saying that, your head maybe was thinking something like "Oh you're just being over-dramatic" as a reply or "There you go again, kicking in the drama" (just as an example). But what if you listened differently? What words did she say? What words did she NOT say or what words did she choose? "...not important" "...not a priority" "...we WERE (past tense) a team." She's telling you that she doesn't feel important to you. Her words are saying she does not feel valuable, precious, significant or honored. What was her body expressing? Did her face look hurt? Was she hugging herself? Were her arms crossed? Those things mean she is closing herself off in defense, and people defend when they feel hurt or attacked. 

So by listening and trying to hear her (instead of thinking of your own reply), what you would learn is that she doesn't feel important to you. Her words are saying she does not feel valuable, precious, significant or honored...and because of that she is closing herself off in defense, and people defend when they feel hurt or attacked. See? You HEARD her! 

She would say: "I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team."
You would say: "Are you saying that you don't feel feel valuable and precious to me? Like you think I see you as a insignificant or not very honored? Your eyes look hurt and your arms are crossed like you're defending yourself, so am I hearing you correctly? Is that how you feel?" 

See...at that point she can say yes or no and the convo can continue, but she will feel HEARD...because wants to feel that same as you. If you are the one who HEARS her, then the two of you are on the team together, and the thing you are discussing is "the enemy"....but if she talks and you reply and neither one of you hears the other, then you are on one side, she's on the other, and you are not on the same team! 

And once you have heard her, you may have an opportunity to say, "I heard you and what you were thinking and feeling...may I share with you what I was thinking and feeling?" Again, you were on the team with her and you're wanting to share that experience so she has the chance to hear you. Now she may not be as good at it as you, but you can show her how it's done!


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> This one takes some skill but really can get the message across. Imagine, for example, the situation of not telling her you were working late. You didn't mean it with evil intent (you weren't purposefully trying to hurt her) and you did apologize for being thoughtless, but she chooses to sulk and give you the silent treatment.
> 
> The way you are handling it now, you maybe try to EXPLAIN what happened or why (and she shuts you out even more), or you become a doormat so she'll talk to you again, or you take the blame when you don't honestly feel like you were wrong... and that's not working for ya! Plus, it's not teaching her that the silent treatment is not a mature way to respond.
> 
> ...



I did not mean to tick her off with the working late, not letting her know situation. I was swamped, it slipped my mind. I agree, in order for this to work, I need to further teach myself to listen. I worry the " vacation" may come off to her as, " He's not even going to try" and just make her more angry. I just wish the issues weren't immediately buried and never fixed or addressed.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

The taking turns doing chores, and/or dividing up responsibilities stuff... in the long run, the really long run, I've found it works a lot better if we do such things together, and not treat them as chores but time working together, talking, valuing each other's help.

Another simple thing, when asking for help. Instead of saying "Could you take out the garbage", consider "Could you take out the garbage for me?" I'm not even sure why that's better, but it is. You're not doing something without reason. You're helping him or her. 

And finally, my usual privacy & boundary speech. If you haven't done so yet, get together and discuss what's acceptable, in terms of mannerisms and actions, and what's not. This is the time to let it out and explain what might create jealousy, and why it's not an unwarranted concern. What type of things lead men & women on, into "harmless" relationships that become dangerous to a relationship. It starts out by saying what you value in your marriage, what you wish, and what YOU promise to do to protect it. And are those boundaries adequate to her? Are these boundaries that can be shared, or do they cause problems? Better to know and define now, trust me.

And the privacy thing. What does she feel you don't need to know. Are you OK with that? What does she not need to know? Is she ok with that? 

What you do today is going to help make a better future. It's really a good thing you're recognizing issues now and not pretending they don't matter. It's an opportunity to make things better.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Rooster2015 said:


> Remember your wife connects with you through her emotions. If you speak to her in a loving way she most likely will do the same. Yelling and screaming is losing control. You do not want that. If she screams ask her why. Keep it calm. You are the man. If you treat her like the first time you met you may see a different person with her. Do not argue over petty things. Remember you are a team. Also it takes a good six months or so after moving in together to adjust to one another. After you both click that will help. Smile hug her kiss her. That most likely sets the mood. JMO


I realize it doesn't do you much good in my last post to point out what you do wrong and the possible consequences without also helping you find your way to do things differently and properly. Rooster's post reminds me that you and your wife have to learn how to love, which is more than just the feelings that made you want to get married. You have to learn how to communicate lovingly, how to respond to each other lovingly, and how to regard each other in loving and respectful ways. It seems you want to win at all costs, but you can't view your wife and your marriage as a win/lose prospect, or you'll lose them. If you don't want her to shut down, then don't shut her down. Regard her expressions respectfully instead of judging them or regarding them as insignificant. And please stop calling her names. That is also judgmental and there's nothing loving about that. You don't have to win and you won't feel the need to win if you have good will toward her, meaning you make her feelings and her happiness important to you and strive not to make her unhappy by diminishing her and her feelings as if they are of no significance to you.

This is a great article for you to learn to have good will for your wife.
Peace & Good Will: Essential for Effective Conflict Resolution

This is article is great for your wife to learn how to communicate her feelings.
How To Complain In Marriage

These articles are from the same site and are in addition to the ones I suggested earlier. You and she should read them all and apply the concepts. As Rooster indicated, you get what you give in marriage. Give love and you'll receive love in return.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Aside from our tit for tats about dog food and not texting, there's this looming issue of my family

- They're not fans of her, they don't hide it very well
-They were vehemently against our getting married.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Imagine you saving this for last! This is a big deal. Why do they not like her? Why do you allow them to show her disrespect?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

More musings: You have been given great advice. What are you going to read first? DO NOT be too busy to do the work.

Many gifts are free. A handful of beautiful colored leaves that you wanted to share with her. Take special walks. Special love notes cost you nothing. One piece of good chocolate or something that reminds you of your dating days.

How often have you been too busy to text (30 sec.) that you are going to be late? Maybe there is some resentment behind that statement? How would you feel if she did not turn up when expected and you did not know why? I like @Mr.Married's ideas of talking. Never try to do something else when she is talking to you. Listen with your ears, eyes, all senses. I'm talking to you, not her and I'd have ideas for her too.

Now for the dog: I know folks who argue over who is going to feed the dog. They all want to do this because they know the dog loves best the one who feeds him/her.

Do not allow your family's ideas to poison your marriage.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

my family saw her in 1 or 2 bad moments and decided from that that she was self-centered and immature. I tried convincing them otherwise, no luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ChicagoBred said:


> Aside from our tit for tats about dog food and not texting, there's this looming issue of my family
> 
> - They're not fans of her, they don't hide it very well
> -They were vehemently against our getting married.


So, THIS IS A BIG DEAL (I know from personal experience). CONFRONT your family RIGHT AWAY if they treat her poorly and DO NOT let it go. Tell your family that this is the woman you love, and if they can't treat her as part of the family, then you won't be seeing much of them anymore. This WILL CAUSE YOU major problems if you let it get out of hand...

As for the other stuff @StarFires beat me to it -- get a calendar and mark off who does what and when -- when the task is done, whoever did it, cross it off. 

AS for arguments, don't interrupt what she is saying, even if you don't agree. Remember the point, and when she stops and you can respond, bring them up, but DO NOT start yelling/etc. I also agree with @Affaircare -- the only thing is TELL your wife "If you give me the silent treatment, I'm just going to do stuff for myself. It doesn't mean I don't love you or care, but I WILL NOT be manipulated that way" Tell her when you are NOT FIGHTING so that she understands.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ChicagoBred said:


> Aside from our tit for tats about dog food and not texting, there's this looming issue of my family
> 
> - They're not fans of her, they don't hide it very well
> -They were vehemently against our getting married.





ChicagoBred said:


> my family saw her in 1 or 2 bad moments and decided from that that she was self-centered and immature. I tried convincing them otherwise, no luck.


Yes, she is immature. I don't know about self-centered because you didn't discuss any of that. 

I shared here once before something I heard when I was a very young woman. It was surprising to me then because I'd never heard of it before, and I've never heard it since. I attended a wedding, where the officiant stated that the job of the wedding party is not only to stand with the bride and groom on that day, but to support their marriage throughout and hold them up as a married couple. It was many years ago and I googled it and found the same written on several sites, so that confirmed it as a legitimate concept.

But the thing is that the couple's family is also supposed to support the marriage. If they don't, it causes strife between you. Family members can tear a marriage apart, so it's not surprising to me that you don't respect your wife and that you call her names. I don't know if that's just the way you are and maybe it is, but I also think it's possible you have been negatively influenced by your family members' opinions, whom you hold in higher regard. So you emulate their opinions of her. Someone says she's immature and self-centered, so you've called similar names. Instead of their open displays of disdain, you would treat your wife very differently if they treated her differently, or if your mother taught/advised/encouraged you to treat your wife the way a husband should. But she didn't, so you treat her similarly to the way they treat her, which is that you treat her as if she's just someone that you know, not someone you love and cherish. It's really too bad you don't have better examples and influences.

Being that you decided to marry, she is now your wife, and you have a job to do as her husband. That job is husbandry. And, that job supersedes all other jobs - your job as son, grandson, cousin, nephew, and whatever. You had no choice in any of those stations in life because you were born into your family. All those jobs now take a backseat to the job of your own choosing. I think there's a good likelihood you recited "forsaking all others" when you said your vows, or at least something to the same effect. It's supposed to mean something, and you are expected to mean what you said. I think there's also a good likelihood the minister/officiant made some remarks pertaining to the two of you becoming one. What it all means is you love your wife as you love yourself (and as Christ loves you if you are a religious Christian). Your wife comes first. Your marriage comes first.

To define your role in this job, it might be helpful to know the job description, so here are your responsibilities:
Profess
Provide
Protect

Profess your love in words and deeds. Provide for her mental/emotional/physical needs. Protect her physical and emotional well being and the healthy development and maintenance of your marriage at all cost.

Your family cannot stand against that. Or rather I should say they shouldn't be able to stand against that because if they do, it's only because you allow it, which means you are not protecting your wife and your marriage but allowing them both to fall prey to outside influences. If your family members cannot respect your choices, you are not supposed to subject yourself or your wife to them, you're not supposed to side with them against her, and you're not supposed to allow your marriage to be in any way affected by them. 

Taking all the above very seriously, it doesn't matter what your family members think or say. The only things that matter are your wife and your marriage. As far as your wife being immature, marriage counseling and the articles I provided are designed to help with knowledge and conduct in marriage. So if she delves into those and comports herself as they advise, then she will begin to act more maturely and will mature naturally as she ages. And you will too.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ChicagoBred said:


> We both grew up as an only child, so, that might be a factor, possibly


That's HUGE! Makes it even harder to fix this.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ChicagoBred said:


> Aside from our tit for tats about dog food and not texting, there's this looming issue of my family
> 
> - They're not fans of her, they don't hide it very well
> -They were vehemently against our getting married.


This is very telling.......They saw something you did not.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Dude, you seem to be quite mature for your age. I have seen your situation many times where the woman (often times) considers herself a princess. At such a young age her fix often doesn't come until one or two divorces are under her belt and then her light bulb comes on....."well maybe it is my fault"......Be careful going forward with her.......she may be fixable and she may not be. You sound as though you have a good handle on your role in this. Own your part and continue to work. Good luck


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ChicagoBred said:


> Look, I love my wife, she’s fun, beautiful, and sweet(I’m 25, she’s 23, we got married June ’19 after 2 years of dating), but, since roughly October, we bicker or full on argue about something nearly each day. I get you’re not going to agree with your partner on everything, but, it really is nearly everyday we find something to argue about. Maybe some of it stems from us not living together prior to marrying and just us trying to adapt to living with someone else.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Love is easy. Relationships take work. And that work also requires skills. Skills that you both probably need to learn. Instead of a marriage counselor, look into a relationship specialist. There is one that I listen to a lot while driving. And while she specialized in poly and kink, a lot of the skills she discusses in various podcasts are as applicable to mono as it is to poly. She also does councelling. And probably has ways to find others.



Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Betrayedone said:


> That's HUGE! Makes it even harder to fix this.



really? just off that there were no siblings?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ChicagoBred said:


> Taking turns was how we initially just decided to do apt.chores so we'd have an easy, equal system, clearly its a flawed system at this point.


When my husband and I were about your ages, we could not agree on chores. We went to see our pastor and he had us decide which chores were were most willing to do. The chores weren't the same. We then made a chore chart and followed it. Problem solved. I know it sounds juvenile, but it worked for us. We've been married 35 years and we rarely fight.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ChicagoBred said:


> Aside from our tit for tats about dog food and not texting, there's this looming issue of my family
> 
> - They're not fans of her, they don't hide it very well
> -They were vehemently against our getting married.


Yes this is why I said to prove them all wrong.

You don't have to banish the family just let them know that you will PROTECT YOUR WIFE. And do and say this to your family lovingly and with kindness but assertive.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ChicagoBred said:


> really? just off that there were no siblings?


It's because more than likely, you were spoiled as she was. But some more advice do not ever tell your family what or when, or why to your family. Because you and your wife will make up but because you told the family. It only verify's why they don't " as you say" like her.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

Yeah, after seeing 1 or 2 minor pouts, my family decided they didn't like her, I told them that they didn't know her like I did, pointed out we all have bad days, and moved onward with the relationship. I don't believe it is a case of them seeing something I don't. I think I see something that they don't.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ChicagoBred said:


> Yeah, after seeing 1 or 2 minor pouts, my family decided they didn't like her, I told them that they didn't know her like I did, pointed out we all have bad days, and moved onward with the relationship. I don't believe it is a case of them seeing something I don't. I think I see something that they don't.


Being family and all, it really does not matter what they think. You married that woman not them.


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## ChicagoBred (Nov 5, 2019)

For a certain period of time, my family's complaints about her actually brought us closer together, strengthened our bond


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Problems with allocating chores?

Large white board on a wall, put the chores next to a name, then tick as each job is done. Then at day's end, wipe and start again next day.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

It sounds like you are both immature and don't know how to disagree in a civil fashion. It's a skill that some people never learn. Probably a little harder for both of you because you didn't grow up constantly having to work together with siblings. I think that you both need to focus on that.

People in every marriage have disagreements. Lots of them. More frequently early on before patterns and roles are established. Most people handle them in a civil fashion so that they don't blow up into fights and pouting. I have no idea how you learn/teach that. It's all part of maturing.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

ChicagoBred said:


> I apologize, I explain I was swamped, but that gets met with, " I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team", overdramatic stuff like that.


this starts to get more manipulative than anything else.

she should say her piece and move on. if there's no reason she needed a heads up (was she preparing dinner for you? did you have a date planned?) she needs to chill. 

I had this issue many times where I explained to my (now ex)wife it was hard to predict when I'd be home, because I had a workaholic boss that would often drop into my office after 5 PM (after meetings were done for the day) to discuss how to handle something that came up in a meeting. I couldn't stop everything I was doing to run to call my wife and let her know it would be another half hour, when all she was doing was staying home with the kids. it was _in my opinion_ ridiculous for my wife to demand a precise time when I'd be home every day. My job was not predictable, and I explained that to her (she loved the money I was making though...)

In marital counseling, they tell you to "_make requests, not complaints._"

Ideally, your wife would say something like (just an example) "_If you want me to make dinner for you, or do XYZ, you'll let me know by this time when you'll be home._" and leave it at that, without the editorializing about your commitment to her.

if she starts with baseless accusations of you having an affair on her, cheating on her, etc. next... *run*.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ChicagoBred said:


> I think, and this is just my early brainstorm: Do what I did when we started dating, spontaneous flowers, " I love you" texts & gifts, nicer dinners out


Yes these things are all good to do, but they dont teach you how to fight fair and actually resolve conflict. You two need to have a discussion when you are NOT arguing about finding ways to have fair, civil discussions, and actually come to resolutions together. Maybe lay some ground rules, like no name calling, no raging, no throwing things, no threatening divorce, etc. Conflicts always come up, its a normal part of life, as is learning how to live together through the daily grind. Petty arguments only build distance and resentment, so pick your battles. Is who's turn it is to feed the dog really the hill you want to die on?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Here are some things I learned from my own marriage (now married 36 years):

- We go through life phases as individuals; marriages go through phases, too.

- Being young and married and in love goes hand in hand with arguing about inconsequential things - who vacuumed last, etc.

- The small things you fight about when you are young can really be the spouses 'asking for' priority, primacy, and respect in the marriage and are thus not really inconsequential.

- These small things morph into big nothing burgers if your marriage lasts into double digits (Who cares about who vacuumed? We're a team, etc.).

- Last, but definitely not least:

Your intimate (meaning emotional bond) relationship with your wife is not your family's business. Their vocal and otherwise obvious disapproval of your wife can sink your marriage, which is what they would like to see. You shouldn't be confiding marital problems in your parents unless they are biggies, i.e. infidelity, abuse. You feel that you are mature enough to marry, so you must be mature enough to actually be married. This means that you have your wife's back in this. They must butt out. Your wife is undoubtedly very hurt and resentful about their feelings. If you support her, your marriage can last. (Ask me how I know.)

As my wonderful mother would have said re your arguments in the marriage, 'This, too, shall pass.' But only if you support your wife in her relationship with your family.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

TomNebraska said:


> this starts to get more manipulative than anything else.
> 
> she should say her piece and move on. if there's no reason she needed a heads up (was she preparing dinner for you? did you have a date planned?) she needs to chill.
> 
> ...


This scenario is not the same as yours and has nothing in common with your situation, except to show that you both dismiss your wife and minimize her feelings.



ChicagoBred said:


> Other times its bigger like me forgetting to tell her I’m working late.





ChicagoBred said:


> I apologize, I explain I was swamped, but that gets met with, " I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team", overdramatic stuff like that.





ChicagoBred said:


> I did not mean to tick her off with the working late, not letting her know situation. I was swamped, it slipped my mind.


I think you have to understand that words have meaning and everything you say could have damaging consequences. You tell her that you were swamped and forgot to call. You tell her you forgot to let her know you'd be working late. The only thing she hears is "I forgot!" because that all translates to, "The woman I love; the woman who loves me; the woman who depends on me - I forgot about you...I didn't think about you...You're not important to me...You're not a priority in my life." She related back to you what you said to her. You didn't mean those words in the same way she took them, but she took them for what they actually mean - you forgot about her and she's not important to you. This is the reason you should be careful of what you say and stop thinking your reasons for hurting her are supposed to be acceptable ways to hurt her. As you can see, in this case, the explanation is more damaging than the offense. Instead of explaining, simply listening and then apologizing would have been more constructive and there would have been no argument because every time you repeat your explanation, you're only telling her over and over again " I forgot about you...I didn't think about you...You're not important to me...You're not a priority in my life."



ChicagoBred said:


> I worry the " vacation" may come off to her as, " He's not even going to try" and just make her more angry. I just wish the issues weren't immediately buried and never fixed or addressed.


So some people are telling you to ignore her silent treatment and call it a vacation. I agree with you that it would be a bad idea and will not only make her angrier, but she'll get angry because giving her the silent treatment in response to her silent treatment will cause her even more pain by confirming that she doesn't matter to you.

Silent treatment is a power move. It's passive-aggressive and it's manipulative, not to mention immature as we have already established. She needs to stop.

Understand that hurt people hurt people. When one person is hurt, they feel a need to hurt others, particularly the one who caused their pain. So don't don't ignore her. Call her on it when she does it at the time that she does it. Just like her, you have feelings too, and you have the right to respond as she does, which is to let her know how her actions affect you. When you hurt her, she let you know by saying "I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team." So when she hurts you, you let her know by saying something like, "You're deliberately trying to hurt me by giving me the silent treatment. How am I supposed to feel about the woman I love making a conscious decision to deliberately inflict pain on me?

We women have a tendency to build resentment in reaction to the hurtful things our husbands do. Our resentments grow with each of his infractions, but we don't think about him having feelings too. So to point out that by withdrawing from you, she's deliberately trying to hurt you, which illuminates that her actions also have damaging consequences, you reveal to her that, just like she doesn't appreciate you hurting her feelings, you also have feelings that she shouldn't be toying with because it makes you feel she doesn't care about you. 

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard began dating in 2007 and married in 2013. During their early dating years, Kristen would often storm out of the house and slam the door behind her during an argument in order to ensure she got the last word, win the argument, and call herself putting Dax in his place. He told her one day, "I respect myself too much to allow you to keep doing this," and then gave her incremental steps to follow to break herself of that bad habit. She followed the steps and learned to remain both physically and mentally present in the midst of the argument so they could work together at resolution.

You need to nip it in the bud and put a stop to her silent treatment methods. Some time - a day or two - after the argument is over, you should express to her that you respect yourself too much to allow her to treat you like that.

*Psychology Today Article*
"To sum up, if your partner gives you the silent treatment more than you feel is reasonable, look inward at how much support you provide for your partner’s self-worth. Both you and your partner need to feel this deep sense of value to have a fulfilling relationship that lasts over time."

In addition to the manipulative power play, another reason she does it is that you've taught her that you don't listen, so she feels unheard and devalued. Promise her that you will listen, you won't speak, and you won't get angry. Listen when she speaks and then let her know you appreciate her responding in a loving way. 

Know that listening does not involve you giving your side of the story because your reasons for whatever you did or didn't do are far less important than the painful damage your actions caused. Every time you voice your reasons, you dismiss what she expressed to you, you inflict the pain all over again, and you again prove to her that she doesn't matter, which causes her to shut down again. So after you listen to her, the appropriate response is to simply apologize and promise to do better in the future.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

ChicagoBred said:


> I apologize, I explain I was swamped, but that gets met with, " I guess I'm not important. I guess I'm not even a priority. I thought we were a team", overdramatic stuff like that.


She's testing your competence as a mate.
You are failing the tests.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ChicagoBred said:


> really? just off that there were no siblings?


Yes.....Some of the most entitled "*****es" I have ever known have been only children. The percentage of dysfunction among only children has got to be higher than normal.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ChicagoBred said:


> Lord knows I treat the silent treatment as if its a death sentence and go into overdrive to get it to stop.


BIG mistake. @Marduk tell him what you used to do when your wife gave you the silent treatment, hilarious, bahahahaha.



ChicagoBred said:


> Aside from our tit for tats about dog food and not texting, there's this looming issue of my family
> 
> - They're not fans of her, they don't hide it very well
> -They were vehemently against our getting married.


Whoa - this changes things. My inlaws hate me and my husband doesn't defend me to them and this has caused issues in our marriage. I'll admit my trust in him took a hit because of it. When it comes to the inlaws I have become very controlling - not proud of it, but it comes from the anxiety that both they AND my husband cause and it's how I try to manage the situation.

Id say this has a lot to do with your issues. It's not about feeding the dog.

You could try asking differently "Wife, I'm tired/running late/sick, would you mind feeding the dog for me tonight? Thanks so much".


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

StarFires said:


> This scenario is not the same as yours and has nothing in common with your situation, except to show that you both dismiss your wife and minimize her feelings.
> 
> ...


Well, you're wrong about that! Say what you want about me, but at least he's posting here because he cares about his wife's feelings and his marriage. Is that not obvious? 

please post more psychobabble from Psychology Today, and celebrity tabloid fights to enlighten us on how to behave... 

did Kanye and Kim have anything to say about this? I'm sure you'd know.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> StarFires said:
> 
> 
> > This scenario is not the same as yours and has nothing in common with your situation, except to show that you both dismiss your wife and minimize her feelings.
> ...


I think the "psycho babble", as you call it, is great. It provides context and scientific back up to what @StarFires is trying to relay. 

OP is free to accept antidotal evidence or scientific based evidence. Both have their place.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

ChicagoBred said:


> For a certain period of time, my family's complaints about her actually brought us closer together, strengthened our bond


Yes, she was expecting you to stand with her. This means to be together as a man and wife. And joyful expectations that you would. But when it didn't it caused her to change her personality. Which is in it's self bad but wants to be first and it could have some shellfish intentions. But nothing different you would want from her family. So have her with you and call your family and let them know things will be different. And be that new Man.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ChicagoBred said:


> I did not mean to tick her off with the working late, not letting her know situation. I was swamped, it slipped my mind. I agree, in order for this to work, I need to further teach myself to listen. I worry the " vacation" may come off to her as, " He's not even going to try" and just make her more angry. I just wish the issues weren't immediately buried and never fixed or addressed.


It's not in what you do, it's how you do it.

If you ask her what's wrong, and she icily says fine, then treat her as if she actually is fine. I smile, joke, and go on with everything as if things are totally normal. Which, admittedly, drives her bananas... but she quickly breaks down and admits that she's not fine and will talk about it at least. It's hard to argue with your own words, you know?

If you ask her what she wants to do tonight, and she ignores you and storms off to the bedroom at 7PM, then shrug your shoulders, smile, and go do something fun. You asked her, she ignored you, you could sit there and play into her pouting or you could treat it as a boy's night. Playing into it gets you more pouting. Doing something fun while she ignores you makes her the bad guy that gets to watch you having fun without her... and she can't say a word about it because she's ignoring you. So you get a fun night, and she'll learn to use her words next time.

You always try to engage and resolve the issue. Once. Then, you're off the hook - it's her problem now. Her goal in sulking isn't to be heard, because you're already listening, it's to punish and to control. Which isn't what grown ups do to each other.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

frusdil said:


> BIG mistake. @Marduk tell him what you used to do when your wife gave you the silent treatment, hilarious, bahahahaha.


You're probably referring to the time I hit the hot tub with a big dram of whiskey and my smelliest cigar that she always hates. I got to listen to the sweet sound of silence and lived like a king! She eventually came out and got into the hot tub with me and we resolved things.

Probably the funniest one ever though is the time I had a bunch of guys come over and watch a football game while she was giving me the silent treatment. She came down the stairs to a house full of guys drinking beer and eating nachos, yelling at the TV. That one was probably the least effective - she had a valid reason to be pissed at me - but damn, that one was funny. I don't recommend it.

Fair warning though, I can be a real ******* and take things very literally when it suits me to do so. My point is to have fun with it while redirecting the anger and hostility away from yourself. Don't take accountability for her poutiness. Her happiness is not your job.


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## elizabethmanning (6 mo ago)

Yep, that's what we doing with my wife!


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## mariafelton (10 mo ago)

When I started living with my girlfriend (but now she is my wife), I immediately insisted on evenly distributing responsibilities around the house.


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