# Should we get married?



## keyhole79 (Sep 6, 2012)

Hi everyone, I wanted to get married people’s opinions on this. I'm dating my boyfriend of almost a year and we've talked in depth about getting engaged. It'll probably happen in the next four months, but the problem is I'm having some doubts. I wanted advice to see if these are normal or if I should reconsider our relationship.
My boyfriend and I both love each other very much, but I also know that sometimes just because two people love each other doesn’t mean that they’re right for each other. We’re two very different people. To start off, he’s not religious and I am (not overly so), I’m very respectful of other peoples beliefs because since I don’t know for sure that my beliefs are right, that I should not judge what other people believe in. There’s also politics; I’m conservative/republican and he hates politics. Now I have no problem with us not sharing our beliefs, but he’s very passionate about what he believes in and so he likes to bring it up, and we get into arguments about it. I would much rather we just completely keep those things out of our relationship, because when we do talk about it we’re both stubborn about what we think. I’ve tried telling him this, and he agrees, but then he always seems to bring it up. Also, he’s very sarcastic towards me, and I don’t like sarcasm in a relationship. I don’t mind if he’s being sarcastic about things especially if it’s the two of us joking about other things but not when it involves me. This is probably the worst thing in our relationship, I’ve asked him to stop several times, but unless I’m crying and making an big deal over it, he doesn’t listen. He’ll say I’m sensitive or that he’s just kidding. I’ve never been someone to yell, but he’s made sarcasm a habit and so I’ve started to get tired of it and yell more (which I don’t like). He does try after I make a big deal about it, but then he goes back to his old ways. The last thing that is causing problems for me is, shortly after we started dating, his job and living situation suddenly changed and he decided to start his own business, I supported his decision and I have since. He’s had to put his job first to get everything going and making money from it as fast as possible, but it’s starting to be very stressful for me. I understand him needing to put his job first for the time being but it’s harder than I thought. I feel that the sarcasm might settle down after he gets his career really going though, and he feels more secure in where he’s at. In the beginning of our relationship he was very sweet and it wasn’t until his life was basically shaken up that the sarcasm started. So I feel hopeful that that will settle down. 
He’s also a good boyfriend. He’s very sweet to me in his actions, he’s very lovey and he never forgets to tell me how much he loves me or how beautiful I am. He never makes me feel less than that. My confidence is definitely a lot higher than before we were together. He’s very supportive of my dreams in so many ways. We both have similar dreams for our future, and we both want children. 
I realize that the paragraph about my doubts is quite a bit longer, but that doesn’t mean that the good things aren’t a big part of our relationship either. This has been on my mind for the past few days. It’s been so difficult, because I don’t know if these things are normal doubts or if these are big warning signs. I don’t want our relationship to end (in fact, I start crying whenever I think about us breaking up), but I also don’t want to go into a marriage (or even engagement) if it’s doomed to fail. I want our dreams to come true, but my fear is that things won’t change so I’ll just always be looking to the future. We love each other, but is that really enough? Thank you for any sincere answers.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you have to ask, then the answer is no.

I didn't even read what you wrote...just the title.

So, I say no. Don't get married. You have time. Date another year and make a decision then.


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## keyhole79 (Sep 6, 2012)

Thank you for your reply, although I wish that you would have read through my post.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I looked into it a bit...and I see that there are some big changes coming your way with jobs, etc.

DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS about anything permanent until you see what these changes DO to your relationship. You have time!  Wait another year and just enjoy dating. Don't try to jump the gun. Let it flow naturally, or fizzle naturally.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I read your post.

He is sarcastic to the point of making you cry.

I LOVE good sarcasm & it doesn't make me cry..

Bad sarcasm is anger's little cousin.

He has anger issues, so yes, wait to get married.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I also say wait but if it were me personally I would end the relationship. All the good points in the world would not make up for the fact that he is nasty enough that he makes you cry and then blames it on you by saying you are too sensitive, huge red flag for the future.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. My ex was like that. My mom was like that too. Make me cry and then say I was "too sensitive".

Dude. Toxic relationships only get worse. I cant' break up with my mom though-- I just put a lot of distance between us.


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## keyhole79 (Sep 6, 2012)

Thanks for the responses so far. Hypothetical: if he does learn to calm his sarcasm down. What would your advice be then? Would you still suggest us ending or do you think it would be good to work through our beliefs?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would suggest couples therapy. 

However, I'm not one to work on big issues to get married. I leave them...well, I left one fiance who had big issues.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

keyhole79 said:


> Thanks for the responses so far. Hypothetical: if he does learn to calm his sarcasm down. What would your advice be then? Would you still suggest us ending or do you think it would be good to work through our beliefs?


The question is what does your heart tell you?
Can you see yourself loving him in spite of his faults?
What about your faults?
Does he use them against you?
Nobody's perfect,and no marriage / relationship is without differences.
The ones that work are the one where the couples involved learn the art of compromise.
My wife was very sensitive and insecure at the beginning . Even the light hearted humour would make her cry once it put her in the spotlight. Now she is very quick on the draw and she is the life of the party. I am on the receiving end of her sarcastic jokes many times. But I know she means no evil.
I was heavily involved in politics. My family are politicians.She was just apolitical.
Today 17 years later, I cant remember when last Iv'e voted.

If you both love each other genuinely,then there is no problem you both cannot handle.
Work on the relationship together,and you will know exactly if and when its time to get married.


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## MarcuMcall (Sep 7, 2012)

I also say wait but if it were me personally I would end the relationship


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

keyhole79 said:


> Thanks for the responses so far. Hypothetical: if he does learn to calm his sarcasm down. What would your advice be then? Would you still suggest us ending or do you think it would be good to work through our beliefs?


It's not so much the words he chooses. It's that his words reflect how he thinks about you and how he feels it's acceptable to speak to someone he "loves". More so, his actions--mocking you when you're crying over what he's said is hugely disrespectful. Imagine how he'll treat your children if this is how he treats you BEFORE you're even engaged!

His actions don't match what he claims to feel for you. If you're working this hard to hold things together during what should be the giddy honeymoon of your relationship, what will you be doing in 5 years? 10 years?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

There is one thing everyone needs to know before they get married or get into a very serious relationship.

You CANNOT change someone. How many females settle for someone & hope their desire for the man to be the person they need is enough? Heaps. How does that work for them? Rarely does it work out well. 

Those things that annoy/bother you now; they will annoy you 10x more every year you are married.

As others have said, take another year or so to really decide if this is the man for you. Don't settle for someone who is not right for you because you don't want to be alone. Being alone is far far better than being in a toxic marriage.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> It's not so much the words he chooses. It's that his words reflect how he thinks about you and how he feels it's acceptable to speak to someone he "loves". More so, his actions--mocking you when you're crying over what he's said is hugely disrespectful. Imagine how he'll treat your children if this is how he treats you BEFORE you're even engaged!
> 
> His actions don't match what he claims to feel for you. If you're working this hard to hold things together during what should be the giddy honeymoon of your relationship, what will you be doing in 5 years? 10 years?


Spot on!
its not the words that he say but the attitude that he has towards someone that he claims to 'love'.

I have had this experience before but I trusted my gut feelings and I gave it right back at him. He also says things like its just a joke but any joke that hurts your loved one is not a joke at all! it seems to be his way of escaping guilt for making you unhappy...if he cant man up and change something as little as this, you might just as well forget him to be your husband.


Just wait and see how he reacts if you dont get married to him and let us know...
I look forward to an update from you.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Keyhole
> My boyfriend and I both love each other very much, but I also know that sometimes just because two people love each other doesn’t mean that they’re right for each other.


You have spoken words of wisdom.



The GOOD the BAD the UGLY


*The GOOD*



> By Keyhole
> He’s also a good boyfriend. He’s very sweet to me in his actions, he’s very lovey and he never forgets to tell me how much he loves me or how beautiful I am. He never makes me feel less than that. My confidence is definitely a lot higher than before we were together. He’s very supportive of my dreams in so many ways. We both have similar dreams for our future, and we both want children.


Actions are always a much better indicator of the real person than words. *What are your definitions for love?* Actions of love are so much more than just words

Listed below are a few definitions of real love that many consider good definitions:

1	Love is always looking out for your best interest
2	Love is not jealous, or arrogant or rude or irritable
3	Love considers others 
4	Love does not dishonor
5	Love is drawn to truth and despises deceit and injustice

If his actions are for real love then you have a lot to work with and can be very hopeful.






*The BAD*


> By Keyhole
> To start off, he’s not religious and I am (not overly so), I’m very respectful of other peoples beliefs because since I don’t know for sure that my beliefs are right, that I should not judge what other people believe in.


If your faith is very important to you then I would strongly suggest that you judge a person’s compatibility with your faith if you are going to marry him. Faith can be a critical factor in marriage




> By Keyhole
> I understand him needing to put his job first for the time being but it’s harder than I thought.


Both of you had best get a full understanding on an acceptable compromise eon this one.








*The UGLY*


> By Keyhole
> This is probably the worst thing in our relationship, I’ve asked him to stop several times, but unless I’m crying and making an big deal over it, he doesn’t listen. He’ll say I’m sensitive or that he’s just kidding


If this is very important to you then I would not marry until you got a lot of assurance that he has correctitude these inconsiderate actions. This assurance should be his demonstration of a change that has occurred for many months and even better, a few years. Changing for a few months is risky; bad habits and attitudes can be controlled for a few months and then return right back to being bad.
The longer they are changed the better the chance that is for real.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Don't get married unless and until he stops disrespecting you. That only worsens with time.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

keyhole79 said:


> Hi everyone, I wanted to get married people’s opinions on this. I'm dating my boyfriend of almost a year and we've talked in depth about getting engaged. It'll probably happen in the next four months, but the problem is I'm having some doubts. I wanted advice to see if these are normal or if I should reconsider our relationship.
> My boyfriend and I both love each other very much, but I also know that sometimes just because two people love each other doesn’t mean that they’re right for each other. We’re two very different people. To start off, he’s not religious and I am (not overly so), I’m very respectful of other peoples beliefs because since I don’t know for sure that my beliefs are right, that I should not judge what other people believe in. There’s also politics; I’m conservative/republican and he hates politics. Now I have no problem with us not sharing our beliefs, but he’s very passionate about what he believes in and so he likes to bring it up, and we get into arguments about it. I would much rather we just completely keep those things out of our relationship, because when we do talk about it we’re both stubborn about what we think. I’ve tried telling him this, and he agrees, but then he always seems to bring it up. Also, he’s very sarcastic towards me, and I don’t like sarcasm in a relationship. I don’t mind if he’s being sarcastic about things especially if it’s the two of us joking about other things but not when it involves me. This is probably the worst thing in our relationship, I’ve asked him to stop several times, but unless I’m crying and making an big deal over it, he doesn’t listen. He’ll say I’m sensitive or that he’s just kidding. I’ve never been someone to yell, but he’s made sarcasm a habit and so I’ve started to get tired of it and yell more (which I don’t like). He does try after I make a big deal about it, but then he goes back to his old ways. The last thing that is causing problems for me is, shortly after we started dating, his job and living situation suddenly changed and he decided to start his own business, I supported his decision and I have since. He’s had to put his job first to get everything going and making money from it as fast as possible, but it’s starting to be very stressful for me. I understand him needing to put his job first for the time being but it’s harder than I thought. I feel that the sarcasm might settle down after he gets his career really going though, and he feels more secure in where he’s at. In the beginning of our relationship he was very sweet and it wasn’t until his life was basically shaken up that the sarcasm started. So I feel hopeful that that will settle down.
> He’s also a good boyfriend. He’s very sweet to me in his actions, he’s very lovey and he never forgets to tell me how much he loves me or how beautiful I am. He never makes me feel less than that. My confidence is definitely a lot higher than before we were together. He’s very supportive of my dreams in so many ways. We both have similar dreams for our future, and we both want children.
> I realize that the paragraph about my doubts is quite a bit longer, but that doesn’t mean that the good things aren’t a big part of our relationship either. This has been on my mind for the past few days. It’s been so difficult, because I don’t know if these things are normal doubts or if these are big warning signs. I don’t want our relationship to end (in fact, I start crying whenever I think about us breaking up), but I also don’t want to go into a marriage (or even engagement) if it’s doomed to fail. I want our dreams to come true, but my fear is that things won’t change so I’ll just always be looking to the future. We love each other, but is that really enough? Thank you for any sincere answers.


Personally, I think that having similar beliefs and values is a huge deal. I dated guys before who had different religious beliefs, political views, etc. and while it was okay, it wasn't great. When I began dating my husband, it really showed me a whole new view on what I really wanted in a spouse. My husband and I both have the same religious beliefs, same political views, same values, etc. It made things so much easier for making decisions(we got married in the church) and I am so much happier with him than any other previous bf I had. It was eye opening for me. 



Holland said:


> I also say wait but if it were me personally I would end the relationship. All the good points in the world would not make up for the fact that he is nasty enough that he makes you cry and then blames it on you by saying you are too sensitive, huge red flag for the future.


:iagree: And then there is this. If he is making you cry, then he is not worth your time or energy.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

If you have to ask, no you shouldn't get married.


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## 12345678 (Sep 9, 2012)

No. This is the start of an unhealthy relationship. He shouldn't make u cry due to sarcasm. Keep dating and wait it out. Don't make a mistake. Marriage is forever.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Besides the disrespect he shows you, not sharing beliefs is a big deal it sounds like. Not for everyone, but you say he keeps bringing up things which lead to arguments. This might be something you can tolerate now but you best believe when you have kids they will get caught in the middle. They will see the arguing and feel like they have to pick who is right- mommy or daddy.

My husband and I have differing opinions on different things that are important to us but we talk about things respectfully and if we can't then we stop the conversation for the time being. But we allow each other the place to discuss and politely "debate" things as a means of helping each other have a broader perspective and perhaps more grounded view of our position. Your boyfriend sounds like he just wants to argue.

Beliefs of any kind- religious, political, social, philosophical, etc- can't be kept out of a relationship. You said you'd just rather it not be in your relationship at all- if beliefs aren't, then what is? You just sit around and talk about how much you love each other? Beliefs dictate how we interact and engage with the world and each other. They aren't a part of you they're who you are. You're essentially saying you guys are fine as long as you leave out pieces of yourself. That's not a relationship that's going to last very long and it certainly will shred any kids brought into it.

The short answer is no. The longer answer is, not yet. Date longer. In the meantime, make a list of things you would like in your marriage/life: spiritual, physical, financial, employment, sexual, family, hobbies, travel, whatever. For kids, write down what you feel like are important values to pass to your kids. How you want to raise them in terms of religious upbringing, discipline, rules/boundaries, etc. Have your boyfriend do the same and then compare.

I imagine this exercise will cause a great deal of argument between you two. Either you figure out how to resolve these issues (probably with the help of counseling since he can't respectfully talk to you about your concerns) or you go your separate ways.


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## rdee30 (Sep 10, 2012)

keyhole79 said:


> Hi everyone, I wanted to get married people’s opinions on this. I'm dating my boyfriend of almost a year and we've talked in depth about getting engaged. It'll probably happen in the next four months, but the problem is I'm having some doubts. I wanted advice to see if these are normal or if I should reconsider our relationship.
> My boyfriend and I both love each other very much, but I also know that sometimes just because two people love each other doesn’t mean that they’re right for each other. We’re two very different people. To start off, he’s not religious and I am (not overly so), I’m very respectful of other peoples beliefs because since I don’t know for sure that my beliefs are right, that I should not judge what other people believe in. There’s also politics; I’m conservative/republican and he hates politics. Now I have no problem with us not sharing our beliefs, but he’s very passionate about what he believes in and so he likes to bring it up, and we get into arguments about it. I would much rather we just completely keep those things out of our relationship, because when we do talk about it we’re both stubborn about what we think. I’ve tried telling him this, and he agrees, but then he always seems to bring it up. Also, he’s very sarcastic towards me, and I don’t like sarcasm in a relationship. I don’t mind if he’s being sarcastic about things especially if it’s the two of us joking about other things but not when it involves me. This is probably the worst thing in our relationship, I’ve asked him to stop several times, but unless I’m crying and making an big deal over it, he doesn’t listen. He’ll say I’m sensitive or that he’s just kidding. I’ve never been someone to yell, but he’s made sarcasm a habit and so I’ve started to get tired of it and yell more (which I don’t like). He does try after I make a big deal about it, but then he goes back to his old ways. The last thing that is causing problems for me is, shortly after we started dating, his job and living situation suddenly changed and he decided to start his own business, I supported his decision and I have since. He’s had to put his job first to get everything going and making money from it as fast as possible, but it’s starting to be very stressful for me. I understand him needing to put his job first for the time being but it’s harder than I thought. I feel that the sarcasm might settle down after he gets his career really going though, and he feels more secure in where he’s at. In the beginning of our relationship he was very sweet and it wasn’t until his life was basically shaken up that the sarcasm started. So I feel hopeful that that will settle down.
> He’s also a good boyfriend. He’s very sweet to me in his actions, he’s very lovey and he never forgets to tell me how much he loves me or how beautiful I am. He never makes me feel less than that. My confidence is definitely a lot higher than before we were together. He’s very supportive of my dreams in so many ways. We both have similar dreams for our future, and we both want children.
> I realize that the paragraph about my doubts is quite a bit longer, but that doesn’t mean that the good things aren’t a big part of our relationship either. This has been on my mind for the past few days. It’s been so difficult, because I don’t know if these things are normal doubts or if these are big warning signs. I don’t want our relationship to end (in fact, I start crying whenever I think about us breaking up), but I also don’t want to go into a marriage (or even engagement) if it’s doomed to fail. I want our dreams to come true, but my fear is that things won’t change so I’ll just always be looking to the future. We love each other, but is that really enough? Thank you for any sincere answers.


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## rdee30 (Sep 10, 2012)

You can make whatever decision you like as you will have to deal with it once you are married. Besides, marriage is not a magic game it's work, time, patience, trust and commitment. You have to grow and learn each other. The dating theme won't prepare you for this. I suggest a great book called "Get Ready for Marriage. When Saying I Do Really Matters" on amazon.com. I think you will learn a lot from this book. My son brought it and it changed the way he think about his relationships.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

First off, whatever problems you have now will be multiplied by 10 in 5 years, especially if you ever have kids. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it makes them worse.

Second, you don't really START getting to know someone until you know them for about 2 years, so I would definitely put a hold on the marriage plans until you get some more time in there. People tend to put up fronts, 2 years is about the time it takes for masks to really start pulling away.

From what you've posted, your relationship has serious concerns already and you've only been together a year. Express your grievances, give him a chance to act appropriately, but do not get so attached to the idea of marriage with this guy that you stop using your brain.

Marriage is tough, really really tough. Also, people that are perfectly happy for years go into sh*tstorms when kids show up, any previous baggage is like a mountain you have to climb. MORE THAN HALF of marriages fail, starting on the wrong foot like you are will almost assuredly put you in that category.


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## rdee30 (Sep 10, 2012)

Wow 2 years? That's a long time. I've seen the mask come off right after the honey moon. Like days, weeks, or months. Remember marriage is not for the fainted-heart. It's designed for mature and like-minded couples. That's what the book title "GET READY FOR MARRIAGE. WHEN SAYING I DO REALLY MATTERS" talks about. Buy it on amazon.com $16.95, or the Kindle Edition for $ 9.95


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