# Questions from a Committment phob



## Veda (Mar 13, 2009)

I am one of the luckiest girls out there with a wonderful boyfriend. He is the poster child of the perfect man with strong core values based on a religious upbringing, healthy family ties, a saver not a spender, and has patience and understanding that would make Mother Teresa look crabby. If he sees me doing chores, he pauses the TiVo and he helps until they are done (without me asking) and he loves working out in the yard. Oh and ladies, he is the one insisting on keeping the toilet seat down!

He would like us to be married but whenever the topic comes up I freak out. I am a complete commitment phob who walks past a store window for weeks before committing to buy a pair of shoes. He’s been extremely patient with me and I love him for that. He knows my fears and I know his frustrations over this but here it is 8 years into the relationship and we’ve both heard it all from the other. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know how to be like every other girl out there who dreams of a wedding and is excited over a new beginning.

I know I think differently than other people. I know that the sappy movies and the fairy tales are made up stories. I don’t think marriage is like an infinity symbol where you can’t tell where one person in the relationship ends and the other begins. I think of marriage as more of the letter H - two independents standing next to each other with a common bond that doesn’t overpower who they are individually. I have fun with my boyfriend when we are together but am also comfortable enough that if we spend a weekend apart its not the end of the world. 

I watched all my friends get married and I watched all my friends get divorced. I’ve learned that the happy marriages my ancestors had were illusions filled with infidelity and emotional blackmail. There are too many things that tell me marriage is not a beginning but a death sentence. The couples that have stuck together through the trials and hardships talk about having different bedrooms and having different friends now. The ones that are happiest are the married couples who are just merely co-habitors and are not the mushy, loving dovey, Norman Rockwell-esque family.

I’m hoping to get some input and advice from the married couples out there. I have several questions and hope to get other perspectives and advice. I’m sure I till have more as people jar thoughts from the cobwebs in my brain. I appreciate anyone taking time to answer and help me.

_Is being married worth it? Does the happy outweigh the sad and troubles that come up?

How have you handled the bad times? What did you do (or wish you had done)?

When you marry, do you give up all privacy? Must email passwords be shared? Is it ok to come home to find a letter addressed solely to you already opened by your spouse?

Is your spouse really your best friend? Can you freely say “Ooh we have to see that movie because he/she is sexy hot!” or “Did you see the new co-worker’s (insert body part here)?” I think of a best friend as one that will (females) go get pedicures together before a John Mayor concert or (males) play a round of golf and come back to watch UFC that night. I don’t see a spouse doing those things.

Is it OK to spend holidays apart when families are in separate cities and the families are equally important to each spouse? What about when there is a huge age difference between families (one family being in the 70’s and the other in the 50s)?

Situation: A couple is given $1,000 to take a trip anywhere to do anything. One spouse is the adventurous type and wants to fly to a distant, never before visited place and take in skydiving. The other spouse is a homebody who doesn’t like to travel and would rather go 5 hours down the road (by car) to a town they frequently visit. How does a couple work through this so that both are happy?

How do you get past a mistake you did (or your spouse did) so that you can not let it eat away at you and let it effect your future together?

How do you deal with sexual differences? Frequency? What is normal?_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont know if you two are already living together, but if you are, you're pretty much married. To me being married isnt any different then when i was dating my H. Its a day-to-day commitment just like what you are doing now. The only factor with marriage is the legality of money, rights in case of health emergency, etc. 

You've been with this guy for eight years. You're not a commitment phob. that's over twice as long as ive ever been with anyone. it sounds like you are very committed to him. 

Something that might ease the scare of getting married is just to go have fun and elope. that's what i did with my H. we took a long road trip up the middle of the U.S, found a cool courthouse, and eloped. i didnt want to make a big deal out of getting married because, well, its not a big deal. the big deal is the day to day commitment, which you're already doing. I was already committed to my H and signing the paper was more for any future kids i might have.


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## Veda (Mar 13, 2009)

Blanca said:


> i didnt want to make a big deal out of getting married because, well, its not a big deal. the big deal is the day to day commitment, which you're already doing.


I never thought of it like that. That's a good way of looking at it. He knows my fears and is OK with it being a quiet ceremony (no one but our parents there) and then having a big reception later so that I dont get the panic set in. 

I mentioned being with him for 8 years but I failed to include that we have been long distance (2.5 hours apart) for the last 6 years. Too far to see each other during the week unless we agree to meet half way on special occasions but we spend weekends together. We've never lived together at all. 

Are my questions silly to be asking?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

no , not silly at all. Marriage is a huge decision. It's a lifelong commitment, and it's scary sometimes. 

The fact that you and your boyfriend, have been together for so long, and the fact that the last six years of it have been long distance, and the fact that you've never lived together, but after all this, are still going strong, is a Very very good sign that you will probably have a successful marriage. 

You are already in a long term relationship, and although marriage will bring some changes, as living together, brings out a whole new side to people, like , what are his habits, etc..... it itsn't something that you probably already don't know. You will always learn and grow, with him, whether you get married or not. 

I say go for it! That's just me, you've been together and managed to have a good solid relationship, for 8 years, long distance. That speaks volumes about yours, and your boyfriends maturity levels, and willingness to make it work. You both sound like marriage material. Try not to second guess yourself so much, the best things in life don't need that much thought. You love him, he loves you, it's clear you two have staying power.

Don't get me wrong, challenges, problems, adversity, will occur, but that will occur in your life ,whether you're with him or not. So why not share that with him? Get through any tough times together. Nothing is every going to be perfect all the time but that is no reason not to do it. 

You guys sound like you're great together. Good luck!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

your def not a commit phobe .
your just worried about the issues of a married life and thats perfectly normal.
worried about changes, which everyone goes through regardless of whether your married or not.


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## Veda (Mar 13, 2009)

I appreciate all the encouraging words about not being a commitment phob but I really am. I can never lock myself into plans of any sort just so I can leave myself a way out. 

The questions I asked in my first message may seem childish to some of you but they are important topics between my boyfriend and myself. We have been going round and round on them for years with no clear answer. I would appreciate anyone taking the time to answer them. Possibly hearing how others handle the same situations would help us in our discussions.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Veda said:


> _Is being married worth it? Does the happy outweigh the sad and troubles that come up?
> 
> *To me its worth it, today at least. I've learned a lot. Im a completely different person. I dont really think of it as the happy outweighing the bad, I think of it as just doing what I think is right, and that outweighs the bad. *
> 
> ...


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