# Actions DO Speak Louder Than Words - Need Your Help!



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay guys (and gals), I need your help.

I realized last night (after a difficult weekend, caused mostly by me), that I am NOT speaking my husband's love language - just the opposite.

I find myself,

- Criticizing him about how a 'good' husband would act towards me

- Belittling him (his words), not by name calling but by criticizing those things that make him a man

- Nagging him - he says that I 'b*tch' at him everyday when I come home from work and on weekends

- Don't support him - back him up, have his back

He said to me this weekend: "You are a conniving, manipulative, sneaky piece of ****."

And it looks like he's right.

I've been so intent on staying up on my high horse of morality and righteousness, that I've failed to see the 'real me', just the me I want everyone else to see.

While I did read part of The Five Love Lanaguages, I had a chance to listen to the CDs of the entire book this past week.

It opened my eyes to a lot of things. 

#1 - I THOUGHT I knew my husband's love language and the particular dialect within it, but apparently I don't.

#2 - I have not 'fostered' love in our relationship. I complain to him how I don't feel loved by him, when in fact, I have not behaved in a loving manner myself. I've said the words often enough, but have not backed them up with my actions.

#3 - My behavior has 'turned' my husband away from me and caused him to detach to the point that he could care less if I got hit by a bus (in fact at this juncture, he would probably welcome it).

How did I get this far from who I was and who I always wanted to be?

What happened? I don't really know. Was I always this way and it's just come to light to me that I'm not really who I thought I was? I don't want to be this person that my husband has come to 'hate' (his words). His last statement to me this weekend was: "I love you, I really do, but I hate who you are." 

I sent him an e-mail this morning letting him know that I now realize that I am not the loving wife that I thought I was. I've become a shrew - nagging, belittling, criticizing - no wonder the man doesn't want to come near me. He now associates me with pain, not love.

I wouldn't want to be around me either.

The steps I've taken today:

- Sent an e-mail telling him that I am not a loving wife and want to change.
- Told him I was open to suggestions on how I could be a more loving wife to him.
- Will no longer criticize, belittle or nag. Will choose my words carefully before I say anything. I will start writing down my complaints in a journal until I can learn to deal with them in conflict constructively and not destructively. 
- Try to learn his love language. Due to the numerous comments about negative comments towards him, I believe words of affirmation might be his primary love language - I'm going to test this out by beginning words of affirmation today (he won't take the test, thinks it bullhockey).

This was a hard introspection this weekend, but I actually feel better with the discovery. I am a b*tch, but don't want to be anymore from this day forward.

Any suggestions to help? Has anyone else gone through this? How did you rescue things?

Any helpful comments would be appreciated. Thanks!


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

From man point of view.

you have made a huge step by realizing your mistake and apologize. 
now when he come home meet him on the door (everyday) with a huge and kiss him with a smile (if you missed him for real, TELL HIM). Eat your dinner and talk positive things. do not argue so much. Be a good wife and submit to him for him in return to treat you like a woman with respect and love.

Just Be positive and if you feel like argue...think something elese or change the topic which is much fun.

My wife does that and I love her for that...other stuffs of course.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> From man point of view.
> 
> you have made a huge step by realizing your mistake and apologize.
> now when he come home meet him on the door (everyday) with a huge and kiss him with a smile (if you missed him for real, TELL HIM). Eat your dinner and talk positive things. do not argue so much. Be a good wife and submit to him for him in return to treat you like a woman with respect and love.
> ...



Thanks for the advice.

Arguing is over - even if I have to bite my own tongue off. I have realized I have done some damage to him, as a man, that I might not ever be able to repair - but I will do my best to replace that with love in my actions.

P.S. I wouldn't have a problem with going 'bowling' for my anniversary. I would be thrilled my husband would want to spend time with me - you could just "let her win" you know!


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

You have already made the BIGGEST step... apologizing!!! That is the hardest thing to do. Great job!!! Hope he accepts it and you both can move on. Contracts on the break through! Keep up the positive motion.
And I agree anniversary...bowling sounds like fun (as long as w isn't the take nail wearing kind of person) lol ...just don't make it look like you're letting her win.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I think that is wonderful news! 

I remember reading that book a few years ago. It hit home. However, I started to do what I knew I needed to do as far as speaking my husbands love language. I did it as often as I could, he however did not read the book, nor tried to speak my love language. I remember the counselor who had recommened the book, tell me, in order for it to work, and for both spouses to be receiving what they need from the other one, both will need to read the book and work on speaking the love language of the other spouse. He said rarely will it work if just one is speaking the love language of the other spouse and the other is not.


just remember, even though its wonderful that you are doing this, doesn't let him off the hook of being able to try and speak your language as well. Its not about YOU doing all of the work by yourself.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Well I have to say I read your post and wondered how the **** someone'd cloned ME without me knowing! The VERY recent realisation I've been less than brill, the spotting where I've been correcting, belittling, shrewing, etc, the sussing he thinks I'm more a pain than a pleasure hence not spending time with me, the calling me a series of words I didn't like but which may just have a basis in truth, even the same ****ing love language!!!!

I reckon you've (we've!) made the first step; from here it's getting him to realise you're going to be able to make changes but hopefully WITH his help rather than with him on the offensive or defensive - this I count quite important - get him onside and although it's still largely your own personal internal problem to resolve, you will have less of an obstacle in your path than if he sets up a barrier to progress
Then see if the changes start to show any improvement in the relationship
I know pretty much exactly how you feel (except that my OH has just left for 10 days or so which means it's email, phone & text for a while which slows down progress a huge degree!)

Good luck


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInlove.

One more thing. Sometimes you might have a fight or disagree with things. It is acceptable but how to handle it matters alot.

If he does something wrong and you notice it, instead of shout and fire back...wait a bit calm down and talk calmly your opinion. You will make him understand his mistake, even change what is doing or even apologize to you. He will love you for that.


MarriedWifeInlove. and 2Sick
Thanks for your tip about bowling but now I have another idea. please read 

"Romeo and Juliet? really? Anniversary?"

link and I will appreciate your feedback


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> I think that is wonderful news!
> 
> I remember reading that book a few years ago. It hit home. However, I started to do what I knew I needed to do as far as speaking my husbands love language. I did it as often as I could, he however did not read the book, nor tried to speak my love language. I remember the counselor who had recommened the book, tell me, in order for it to work, and for both spouses to be receiving what they need from the other one, both will need to read the book and work on speaking the love language of the other spouse. He said rarely will it work if just one is speaking the love language of the other spouse and the other is not.
> 
> ...


I agree.

But at this point, he is so detached, that he's NOT interested in speaking my love language and pushing him will get me no where (hasn't worked for anything else).

So FIRST, I need to speak his and in turn, he will be more loving towards me - I already told him what mine was - hopefully, he will turn towards it once his 'love tank' is full - right now we're both running on empty.


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

"So FIRST, I need to speak his and in turn, he will be more loving towards me "

that is the key. Personally I can not be a wussy when a woman is ****ing. I will be hard and never bow down to get attention, but when a woman speak to my language is a magic the way I treat her back. Thats the way I live with my wife, she is good in my love language as I am with her's.

you are doing great!!!


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I agree.
> 
> But at this point, he is so detached, that he's NOT interested in speaking my love language and pushing him will get me no where (hasn't worked for anything else).
> 
> So FIRST, I need to speak his and in turn, he will be more loving towards me - I already told him what mine was - hopefully, he will turn towards it once his 'love tank' is full - right now we're both running on empty.


----------



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

WOW That is exactly what I have been experiencing in the self realization mode. We decided to stop, relearn each other and not talk about any heated stuff till we understand each other's language. Consciously trying to communicate and understand. 

Keep updating progress because I would love to know what works and doesn't for you guys


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MWIL,

Have you been to therapy?


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Congratulations, MWIL!
Remember, you are going to disagree. That doesn't mean that you have to fight.
If you do have to fight, fight nice. No bringing up the past, no name calling, no trash talk, and NO CURSING!!!

I am happy for you. You have taken the first step, but don't get discouraged if Hubby doesn't jump into your arms tonight. He will likely be guarded until he sees that this is a real change and not a phase.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

That is great! You're doing the right thing. 

Although, you are doing the right thing, there is no guarantee that he will do the same. That doesn't mean you need to not do it though. 



There are some people that are not capable for lots of reasons, however hopefully your husband is one that can. 

You got to start somewhere though! Good for you!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Whatever you and your husband are experiencing, leaning on that book as some kind of holy grail may cause more tension than help.

Not slamming the book, but it is a method of thinking. Sometimes the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> MWIL,
> 
> Have you been to therapy?


I have, he has and we have and still are.

For more than a year - but apparently I have a lot more s**t wrong with me than I thought - still trying to figure it all out, doesn't happen overnight, does it?

Also - not only trying to figure it out - but figure out how to change it FOR GOOD. 

Hard to do all that changing when you're 50 years old...takes time.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Well I have to say I read your post and wondered how the **** someone'd cloned ME without me knowing! The VERY recent realisation I've been less than brill, the spotting where I've been correcting, belittling, shrewing, etc, the sussing he thinks I'm more a pain than a pleasure hence not spending time with me, the calling me a series of words I didn't like but which may just have a basis in truth, even the same ****ing love language!!!!
> 
> I reckon you've (we've!) made the first step; from here it's getting him to realise you're going to be able to make changes but hopefully WITH his help rather than with him on the offensive or defensive - this I count quite important - get him onside and although it's still largely your own personal internal problem to resolve, you will have less of an obstacle in your path than if he sets up a barrier to progress
> Then see if the changes start to show any improvement in the relationship
> ...


Just call me Madimoff #2 and I'll call you MWIL #2. 

Thanks - you too!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay guys (and gals), I need your help.
> 
> I realized last night (after a difficult weekend, caused mostly by me), that I am NOT speaking my husband's love language - just the opposite.
> 
> ...


People reading this thread, nota bene. The first day of MWIL's happily ever after starts today. She has realized that she has been entrenched in a right fight. All the things she has said about her husband are likely true. And he likely could have changed the dynamic himself. BUT in the final analysis, when MWIL has decided to realize she was stuck in a right fight, now she has the power to change for the better.

MWIL don't despair! You have everything you need to turn this around. 



> While I did read part of The Five Love Lanaguages, I had a chance to listen to the CDs of the entire book this past week.
> 
> It opened my eyes to a lot of things.
> 
> ...


First, the temptation is to be down on yourself. Don't. You have made the exact revelation that you need to do what you need to do. The day I came to this same revelation, that I WAS the nagging wife, was the best day of my marriage. 

You now have control of your future! Hooray!

Here is the recipe for making yourself and your husband happy that I recommend.

1. Changing you behavior is a start. But by itself is probably unsustainable. You need to address how you THINK about him. Take a series of good long looks at him and recalll to yourself the things about him that caused you to fall in love with him in the first place. You love him. Find the things you value about him and focus your mind on those.

2. Lighten up on those things you think you "need". Everything you feel you need from him that he is not meeting is an opportunity for you to forget why you love him and resume nagging and controlling. Those things you can do/ soothe/ manage for yourself are all opportunity for greater strength and calm for you while freeing him to be himself without criticism.

3. Learn his love language not only so you can speak it to him but so you can hear it when he speaks it to you. Listen actively for times when he is speaking his love language to you. (This may be a while in coming since you guys are in such a bad place right now.) Recognize his speaking HIS language to you as his love even if you would prefer he speak yours. 

4. Learn your love language so that when your dynamic is better, you can begin to gently teach him yours. 

Good luck MWIL.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> MarriedWifeInlove.
> 
> One more thing. Sometimes you might have a fight or disagree with things. It is acceptable but how to handle it matters alot.
> 
> ...


Certainly will.

I feel bad though, I wish I had a videotape of this weekend, I'd be ashamed of myself - I am right now and I'm looking at it from my end, probably worse from his. And, he is post-TBI, that makes me feel like even a bigger piece of crap!

And of course he "doesn't want to hear it," "I've heard it all before," etc. etc. Which is understandable - I will not let it deter me from my goal though.

My husband looks at apologies like a**holes, everyone has one! So this doesn't always work with him.

Will read your other thread when I have a moment.

Thanks!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DanF said:


> Congratulations, MWIL!
> Remember, you are going to disagree. That doesn't mean that you have to fight.
> If you do have to fight, fight nice. No bringing up the past, no name calling, no trash talk, and NO CURSING!!!
> 
> I am happy for you. You have taken the first step, but don't get discouraged if Hubby doesn't jump into your arms tonight. He will likely be guarded until he sees that this is a real change and not a phase.


True and I understand he has the right to be guarded and pissed off.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I agree.
> 
> But at this point, he is so detached, that he's NOT interested in speaking my love language and pushing him will get me no where (hasn't worked for anything else).


Could you learn to be happy hearing his? My husband rarely speaks my love language. It just does not dawn on him. If you have done damage to his feelings for you, now is the time for recovery mode. Your needs take a back seat for now.



> So FIRST, I need to speak his and in turn, he will be more loving towards me - I already told him what mine was - hopefully, he will turn towards it once his 'love tank' is full - right now we're both running on empty.


That is the hope.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> People reading this thread, nota bene. The first day of MWIL's happily ever after starts today. She has realized that she has been entrenched in a right fight. All the things she has said about her husband are likely true. And he likely could have changed the dynamic himself. BUT in the final analysis, when MWIL has decided to realize she was stuck in a right fight, now she has the power to change for the better.
> 
> MWIL don't despair! You have everything you need to turn this around.
> 
> ...


Was quite an eye-opener to realize that I really was the b*tch he thought I was and here I thought HE was the main problem.

While he does have his own issues (and we all do), I'm not helping in the least. I act more like his enemy versus his wife, the one who is supposed to love him. He's living in enemy territory (or feels like it), no wonder he has pulled away. In my desperation to bring him closer I actually made it worse.

And I don't know if it's too late to turn things around. I so desperately want to be happy and want him to be happy and I've been going about it ALL WRONG.

Actually - I'm not that down on myself, but I do feel rotten that I've made things worse for him, especially with all his medical issues - that I've actually contributed to and caused him additional stress - the person I'm supposed to love the most. I'm less down and more disappointed in myself that I complained to him about the exact same thing I was/wasn't doing towards him.

#1 - I have actually been doing this. Thinking about the previous times, when we were first married, etc. Went down memory lane with an old box of photo's and letters he wrote me when he was deployed while we were in the military.

#2 - Yeah, I tend to be too intense. Husband once told me that I have a ALL IN or NOT IN AT ALL personality - that I had no in-between. Working on the in-between.

#3 - Working on that too. Started listening intently this weekend and he spoke a lot about my negative thoughts towards him and how I was negative all the time - I'll continue to listen closely and see if I can figure out if, in fact, it is words of affirmation.

Thanks for the input - I suck right now, but I'm going to try not to suck in the future...will take some time, will keep everyone updated on how it's going.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> Whatever you and your husband are experiencing, leaning on that book as some kind of holy grail may cause more tension than help.
> 
> Not slamming the book, but it is a method of thinking. Sometimes the square peg doesn't fit in the round hole.


Gosh michzz - you sound just like hubby!

Not leaning on it as a holy grail - but it does have some truths and rang a few bells for me.

A method of thinking that I don't know will work unless I try it - right? Nothing else is working, so I have to keep going until I figure out what does.

I do know that less b**tching, nagging, criticizing and acting like a total shrew has got to help, book or no book!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I have, he has and we have and still are.
> 
> For more than a year - but apparently I have a lot more s**t wrong with me than I thought - still trying to figure it all out, doesn't happen overnight, does it?
> 
> ...


I've found Richard Schwartz' "Internal Family Systems" to be an excellent course of therapy.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Was quite an eye-opener to realize that I really was the b*tch he thought I was and here I thought HE was the main problem.
> 
> While he does have his own issues (and we all do), I'm not helping in the least. I act more like his enemy versus his wife, the one who is supposed to love him. He's living in enemy territory (or feels like it), no wonder he has pulled away. In my desperation to bring him closer I actually made it worse.
> 
> ...


Training one's mind is challenging, often more challenging than training one's body. We often feel that our reactions and feelings are out of our control. But we can train our minds to healthfulness just like we can our bodies. It has SO many benefits in terms of handling pain and stress, being happy and at peace, managing your weight or other physical health issues... I would recommend anything by Jon Kabat-Zinn. If you do a google or amazon search on "mindfulness" you will get a lot of information. A yoga practice can also be a good way to practice and learn mindfulness. 






> #3 - Working on that too. Started listening intently this weekend and he spoke a lot about my negative thoughts towards him and how I was negative all the time - I'll continue to listen closely and see if I can figure out if, in fact, it is words of affirmation.
> 
> Thanks for the input - I suck right now, but I'm going to try not to suck in the future...will take some time, will keep everyone updated on how it's going.


You don't suck. You will be fine, fine. Personal growth is hard. But you are on the ride. You will come out the other side.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I do know that less b**tching, nagging, criticizing and acting like a total shrew has got to help, book or no book!


"less?"


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Could you learn to be happy hearing his? My husband rarely speaks my love language. It just does not dawn on him. If you have done damage to his feelings for you, now is the time for recovery mode. Your needs take a back seat for now.
> 
> 
> 
> That is the hope.


:iagree: I may have to lower my expectations on him speaking my love language in the manner that I need and accept what he can/is willing to do.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Could you learn to be happy hearing his? My husband rarely speaks my love language. It just does not dawn on him. If you have done damage to his feelings for you, now is the time for recovery mode. Your needs take a back seat for now.
> 
> 
> 
> That is the hope.





Conrad said:


> I've found Richard Schwartz' "Internal Family Systems" to be an excellent course of therapy.


Thanks, I'll look this up.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

michzz said:


> "less?"


Okay, okay - I don't know if I could go "cold turkey" the rest of my life - I am a woman after all ya know!

I get your point though...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Training one's mind is challenging, often more challenging than training one's body. We often feel that our reactions and feelings are out of our control. But we can train our minds to healthfulness just like we can our bodies. It has SO many benefits in terms of handling pain and stress, being happy and at peace, managing your weight or other physical health issues... I would recommend anything by Jon Kabat-Zinn. If you do a google or amazon search on "mindfulness" you will get a lot of information. A yoga practice can also be a good way to practice and learn mindfulness.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'll look him up - thanks.

Boy - it's hard to figure out after 50 years that you're not the person you thought you were - I've got some issues and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Kids gone, no money issues, should be the time of our lives and it's the most miserable we've been since we've been married and that 'ain't right'. 

But I can CHANGE my part in it and that's where I'm going. I usually get what I'm going after - I'm pretty stubborn when I want to be and when I want something bad enough and I WANT A HAPPY MARRIAGE AGAIN and will do whatever it takes.

The right fight is no longer important to me - he is.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, okay - I don't know if I could go "cold turkey" the rest of my life - I am a woman after all ya know!


What does THAT mean? That as a woman, you MUST nag? That's crazy talk.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I hope it all works out for you, I really do! However, what do you think you would think of your life at say 60 years old or even older and you're still in the same predicamant as far as you doing most of the trying/work, and nothing really changed on his part?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trey69 said:


> I hope it all works out for you, I really do! However, what do you think you would think of your life at say 60 years old or even older and you're still in the same predicamant as far as you doing most of the trying/work, and nothing really changed on his part?


This makes no sense to me. How do you know HE has not been "trying". And what is so wonderful about "trying" of everything you have been doing has been ineffective?


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> This makes no sense to me. How do you know HE has not been "trying". And what is so wonderful about "trying" of everything you have been doing has been ineffective?


Sorry if it makes no sense to you. I'm simply asking how she may feel years down the road if things are still the same. You're right I have no clue if he's trying or not, maybe he is in his own way. Lets say he isn't trying enough then to make a difference in how she feels etc.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> What does THAT mean? That as a woman, you MUST nag? That's crazy talk.


You know what I mean - it was in jest!

Remember what you told me...calm...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - we're off to a great start!

Hubby just called me, conversation went like this:

"How are you doing"

"I'm fine, thanks"

"I love you and I'm sorry that things have been so hard on you with the way I've been" (he's referring to post-TBI and medical issues)

"I love you too and I'm sorry that I've been such a b**tch"

"I know you do"

That was great! That's the second I'm sorry I've gotten from the hubby in two months out of 27 years together.

And, he initiated the call - my e-mail must have struck a nerve, a good one this morning.

This feels good...now for the hard work.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay - we're off to a great start!
> 
> Hubby just called me, conversation went like this:
> 
> ...


Yay!


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay - we're off to a great start!
> 
> That was great! That's the second I'm sorry I've gotten from the hubby in two months out of 27 years together.
> 
> ...



Great Start!!! as I told you before, when you submit yourself to your man ginuinely he will respond to you more than you expect. Keep on being positive and good wife, let him take the lead ánd be a man, you will be smilling the way he will treat you (I hope he will) like a lady you are !!!


----------



## openheart (Mar 8, 2011)

May I just say it is awesome to see how much you care about your relationship with your husband and being a good wife. It is something I wish wasn't such a rarity in this world!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You know what I mean - it was in jest!
> 
> Remember what you told me...calm...


I was joking too! Pretend bristles. Humor can be so lost on 'net.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Things still off to a good start.

Hubby was very accomodating yesterday, talkative, engaging me in conversation and yes, I also got to fool around - Yay!

Seriously though, I'm thinking he has been waiting for me to "own" my part in what has been going on in our relationship and I did just that yesterday and opened up that I am a part of the problem, I recognize it and I will work diligently on my part of the relationship.

Maybe that's all he was waiting for...doesn't mean I'm backsliding - I'm on a quest to return things to the happier times they used to be and working on what my part is - no more worrying about HIS part - he owns that and all I can do is my take care of my own.

Thanks again for the encouragement!


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

MWIL, I'm going through a similar version of this. At least I think.  

Except my H blames himself. I realize I've been horrible, not in the conventional nagging way, but in the "it's all about me" way. He has also disconnected from me, to the point where all he feels at home is tension. SO much so that he wants to move in with his parents for a bit to see if we can cool off and reconnect. I've stopped fighting and arguing, but any conversation is seen as a confrontation. 

I'm hoping to repair the damage because I miss him. He is always telling me he loves me and wishes things could be better, but he has nothing left in him to try to fix it or join me in that effort. I tried the loving crap, wrote him a 7 page long letter about my self-reflections and what I had realized and was trying to change. He just felt bad that I took any blame. He won't even go to MC because he's afraid they'll blame me. I don't get it. 

So keep up posted. Sometimes we learn from others. Good luck!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> MWIL, I'm going through a similar version of this. At least I think.
> 
> Except my H blames himself. I realize I've been horrible, not in the conventional nagging way, but in the "it's all about me" way. He has also disconnected from me, to the point where all he feels at home is tension. SO much so that he wants to move in with his parents for a bit to see if we can cool off and reconnect. I've stopped fighting and arguing, but any conversation is seen as a confrontation.
> 
> ...


Sorry that you're going through something similar.

I know - it sucks!

But hang in there - I'm too damn stubborn to give you - sounds like you are too - that will take you a long way, believe me. Some people just give up too easily.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sorry that you're going through something similar.
> 
> I know - it sucks!
> 
> But hang in there - I'm too damn stubborn to give you - sounds like you are too - that will take you a long way, believe me. Some people just give up too easily.


I agree. I feel like H could give up at any moment. It sucks. 

I'm pretty darn stubborn and resilient. I'm not sure how I have this much hope, I just KNOW we'll be okay. It's just getting there that's the battle. WIsh he felt the same! 

I'm in full 180 mode now. Getting kind of lonely.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

OMG

An alien is inhabiting my husband's body - I swear.

For the SECOND day in a row he has called me for no other reason than to see how I was and to tell me he loves me.

Had the first one yesterday, the second one today. Here's how it went:

"Hi, how are you doing today?"

"Good and you?"

"Just waiting for my dr appt and I wanted to call and let you know how much I love you and I was thinking about how I don't treat you right and working on how to treat you better and I wanted to let you know that and that I love you very much."

"I love you too and I'm working on me also - I think we're going to be just fine."

"I do love you and I wanted you to know that, I'll talk to you later."

Can't believe it! This is the most 'open' he's ever been to me, he's never admitted that he doesn't treat me right and he never just calls to say I love you (sounds like a Stevie Wonder song - HA).

I'm just on Cloud 9 - he also mentioned somewhere in there that he was 'up' and ready for some future time with me (held that info back) - if you know what I mean.

It's like I died and went to heaven - I don't think he truly realizes that just this little hand out to me has made me feel like a different person today.

I LOVE THIS MAN!


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Hey MWIL! I'm so happy to hear things seem to be going well. I thought of you the other day when I read this book I have. Its very interesting. It lists a few things to remember when you, "let go with love" which is about self care. In the book it refers to the other spouse or family member as the TLO (Troubled Loved One) Here are a list of things it suggests for you to remember while taking care of you and not worrying so much about him etc. Some of the things I think you have done and are still doing!

1)Let go of the fantasy that you can't change someone else. 
2)Love yourself
3)Don't take other peoples actions personally
4)Do NOT work harder at helping your loved one than he or she does. (That means they need to put in some kind of effort for themselves too)
5)Aim for improvement, not perfection
6)Appreciate small improvements (which I know you do)
7)Remember your own mistakes
8)Ask for help when needed
9)Get emotional needs met elsewhere(going out to lunch with friends, having a mani-pedi day, that kind of thing)
10)Act "as if"
11)Make your own choices
12)Decide for yourself what meaning you will give to lifes events

I know you're already doing some of these. Just wanted to share. Keep up the good work!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AgentD said:


> Hey MWIL! I'm so happy to hear things seem to be going well. I thought of you the other day when I read this book I have. Its very interesting. It lists a few things to remember when you, "let go with love" which is about self care. In the book it refers to the other spouse or family member as the TLO (Troubled Loved One) Here are a list of things it suggests for you to remember while taking care of you and not worrying so much about him etc. Some of the things I think you have done and are still doing!
> 
> 1)Let go of the fantasy that you can't change someone else.
> 2)Love yourself
> ...


Thanks - great list!

I AM already doing some of these, as you mentioned.

Boy things would have been so much easier if I had learned all this when I was younger - but I guess you can always reinvent yourself at any age.

Just goes to show that you can 'teach an ole' dog new tricks.'

Thinking back to where I was and how I felt just one year ago I've come a very long way, but the journey's not over yet.

Thanks again...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Day #4 of my new attitude and concerted efforts to turn my marriage around. 

I have not criticized, nagged or belittled my husband. I have been loving and positive.

In turn - he has been kind, loving, affectionate and attentive.

I just may be onto something here.

In these last four days it feels like I have a completely different marriage - it's great!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Day #4 of my new attitude and concerted efforts to turn my marriage around.
> 
> I have not criticized, nagged or belittled my husband. I have been loving and positive.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: You go, girl! Get you some of that lovin' you need.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> :smthumbup: You go, girl! Get you some of that lovin' you need.


Really pleased for you !!
(but admit a bit jealous ćos our progress is always half-speed because he's not here all the time! Wish telecoms were better for relationships than they actually are )


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - a week and counting.

Hubby still attentive, loving, engaged.

It's like someone snapped off a light and the hubby I used to have has disappeared and morphed into the hubby I fell in love with.

Our conflicts aren't even the same. We've had a couple of disagreements this week and they didn't even escalate like they would have in the past. We both got our viewpoint out, accepted each other's and carried on.

He's been reading the book/listening to the CDs of 'Feeling Good' - said he wants to be happier and more positive - it's working.

Amazing how much more relaxed and loving I can be when I'm not on guard, defensive or waiting for the other shoe to drop (and with that has come trust also - not as suspicious - especially when he's letting me know he loves me).

Yay!


----------

