# Men- How do you run your family?



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Do you have it where you involve your wife in decisions, take and listen to her opinions, treat her like she's your equal and not your subordinate...or do you just say to heck with that I'm the boss screw you?

Reason I ask is this is basically what my husband does. Our marriage is a tyranny and that's how he likes it and he sees no problem with it. He grew up in a family where his dad was absent a lot due to work (understandable to a point) and when he was home it was all about him and he was extremely selfish, somewhat lazy and extremely dictator like. I grew up where yes my dad had the final say but he involved my mom in decisions, he treated her like his equal and not his doormat and he respected her. 

I get that men are the head of the household but I don't feel like they should take it to their head and treat their wives like their doormats. My husband is so extremely dictator like and he frequently says if I don't like it, I can leave and cares nothing about trying to change. He always brings up the excuse (least that's what I call it) of well that's all I know because that's all I saw growing up. He claims at if a family isn't run in that fashion then the kids will end up in jail and into all kinds of trouble. I don't think that's true at all. I wasn't raised that way and I've never been in jail, never drank or done drugs and have never been in trouble in the way that he states would happen.

I just don't get how he thinks this is right. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

My husband and I are equals at my house. Having a penis does not make anyone the "head of the household" in my book. Sorry. Works just fine for us. 

This is a convenient line used by insecure controlling men. I'm sorry you're living with this. Would he become violent if you challenged him? The old " might makes right" thing?

If you don't have a job, get one. That's my advice. Having your own money that YOU made is powerful. And necessary if things fall apart.

And another thing-- what's with your user name? You are not a tiny girl, you're a grown woman. Believe it, stand up for yourself and your rights. He has no right to dictate to you. If he gets violent, get help and get out of it.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Was he or is he in the military? I met guys like this while I served...mostly the officers. 
Decisions should be made together. He sounds very controlling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> My husband and I are equals at my house. Having a penis does not make anyone the "head of the household" in my book. Sorry. Works just fine for us.
> 
> This is a convenient line used by insecure controlling men. I'm sorry you're living with this. Would he become violent if you challenged him? The old " might makes right" thing?
> 
> If you don't have a job, get one. That's my advice. Having your own money that YOU made is powerful. And necessary if thing fall apart.


He does get violent. He yells right in my face, throws things of mine at me and around the house....sometimes breaking them, calls me horrible names and says I've contributed nothing to society or our marriage, and many other things. We have two kids and I've actually been trying to find a job that I'm qualified for that would pay enough for child care and then some but I either can't find any that I wouldn't be miserable at, or I have applied and never hear back despite how hard I try.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Was he or is he in the military? I met guys like this while I served...mostly the officers.
> Decisions should be made together. He sounds very controlling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is active duty military yes.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He doesn't respect you or consider you his equal. You didn't notice any of this before marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you get help on the base? Maybe counseling for him? Are there babysitting co-ops?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He wasn't like this at all before we were married although he claims he was. I'm occasionally able to have friends watch the kids but of course it is whenever they're able to. I've gone to the AFRC on base for advice and I even had him arrested by the MPs last summer because he was being more physically abusive and stepped on my foot purposefully and left a bruise. Of course they didn't find him guilty of anything and it was basically dropped.

I've tried to get him to go to individual counseling and I've said that we should both go but of course he says that he doesn't have a problem and all I will do is throw him under the bus so what's the point?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

So you agree with him being abusive amd controlling? Do you not believe in marriage equality?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> So you agree with him being abusive amd controlling? Do you not believe in marriage equality?



Don't be ridiculous. But hey , might be next years fad !


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

TinyGirl said:


> I get that men are the head of the household


Why do you think that? Men have no more right to rule than women do. Marriage is a partnership, men who try to assert some archaic right to be the 'head of the household' are weak and insecure. In the eyes of the law, and all right-thinking people, adult men and women are equal.

Your husband is nothing but a bully.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Studies actually show when parents ate too strict that children are just as likely to go off the rails and get into trouble as if their parents are way too lenient. There has to be a happy medium.

When your husband threatens you and tells you to leave, I honestly think you should do just that. He needs a wake up call.

The only way I see a traditional marraige working out well long term, is one where the husband values his wife above others and puts the marraige first. A selfish wife or husband who don't put their marriages first make the other feel unloved and builds resentment which often leads to divorce.

I would tell him that you aren't sure you want to remain married to him, that you both need counselling. Let him know that he and the marraige are important to you and in order for your marraige to survive that drastic changes need to be made.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> Why do you think that? Men have no more right to rule than women do. Marriage is a partnership, men who try to assert some archaic right to be the 'head of the household' are weak and insecure. In the eyes of the law, and all right-thinking people, adult men and women are equal.
> 
> Your husband is nothing but a bully.


:iagree:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> So you agree with him being abusive amd controlling? Do you not believe in marriage equality?



Well apparently you do because you're still there. He told you if you don't like it then leave. My ex was military and thought like that and I left him. What else can I tell you? He views the world differently than you and it won't change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband is the sole provider of our home and he treats me as an equal. He's always asking my opinion on things and always wants to hear my point of view. 

It's nice being respected this way. My ex h treated me like I was his slave. I was the breadwinner in that marriage and all he could do was tell me how worthless I was. This didn't last long at all. I am an adult and I refuse to be told what to do. I left the marriage after a year of putting up with his arrogance.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

TinyGirl:

Just ignore the women-bashing...it's an internet forum, unfortunately you have to take the IGNORANT generalizations along with the useful advice. (There is an "ignore list" function on this site so you don't have to read posters you find annoying, insulting, etc.)

Would your family be able/willing to help you and your children move back near them? If not, you could consider seeking the help of a domestic abuse shelter. They will help you and the kids move out since you've already had H arrested for hurting you.

You would do well to phone a domestic abuse hotline (Google one in your area). They can give you help with counseling, job skills, safe haven, etc. whatever YOU need to move forward with your children into a safe environment.

Your children are 'learning' from your marriage. The boys are learning it's okay to be abusive to your wife (physically, emotionally, mentally) and the girls are learning they have to accept this behavior because 'that's just the way husbands/men are'. DON'T HELP THEM LEARN THIS! 

Not to mention, your husband's abuse (physical and emotional) will NOT stop with you. It will be your children's turn when they are older (they're too mouthy, they're disobedient, son is too girly, daughter needs to learn her place). He will have a million excuses *why* they need to be screamed at, hit or humiliated.

Get out with your kids NOW before they need a ton of therapy. Get yourself into counseling as soon as you can.

You CAN DO it, TinyGirl. Many other abused spouses (of both genders) have done it before you...that's *WHY* the resources are there!

Best wishes to you and the children!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Get out with your kids NOW before they need a ton of therapy. Get yourself into counseling as soon as you can.


Best advice on this thread so far.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Why do you think that? Men have no more right to rule than women do. *Marriage is a partnership, men who try to assert some archaic right to be the 'head of the household' are weak and insecure. *


Sooooooo,

If a woman works for more than her husband, handles the bulk of the expenses, and basically becomes 
" head of the household ", does that automatically make her " weak and insecure?"

I know many women, who are head of their houseold.
In fact, there are even a few right here on TAM, and I don't think it makes them " weak and insecure."

PS:
My mother was head of our household, because her husband worked overseas. 
My grandmother was more than head of our household, she was the indisputable head of our family clan. In fact , when I got married , I had to show my respect to her by
" presenting"my wife to her.
My wife's mother is head of her household, I had to ask her permission to marry her daughter. She is definitely not an insecure woman.
She was a very powerful, strong , independent woman, not jealous, nor insecure.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> Sooooooo,
> 
> If a woman works for more than her husband, handles the bulk of the expenses, and basically becomes
> " head of the household ", does that automatically make her " weak and insecure?"
> ...


No, but needing to invoke some ancient tribal law to justifiy your 'leadership' does.

EDIT: Sorry, mixing up my threads here. To be clear, I have no problem with either men or women leading in some or all aspects of marriage. Some men and some women like to be led. But claiming a _right_ to lead based on religion or tradition just opens the way to the kind of abuse we are seeing here, and worse, and it is usually invoked by those who are insecure and weak.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> EDIT: Sorry, mixing up my threads here. To be clear, I have no problem with either men or women leading in some or all aspects of marriage. Some men and some women like to be led, but claiming a _right_ to lead based on religion or tradition just opens the way to the kind of abuse we are seeing here, and worse, and it is usually invoked by those who are insecure and weak.


Well I agree with this^^^.
It applies both ways.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

*Re: Re: Men- How do you run your family?*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> TinyGirl:
> 
> Just ignore the women-bashing...it's an internet forum, unfortunately you have to take the IGNORANT generalizations along with the useful advice. (There is an "ignore list" function on this site so you don't have to read posters you find annoying, insulting, etc.)
> 
> ...


I wish it weren't so hard. He goes back and forth so much that I can't ever tell what mood he's going to be in. I don't know why I always believe him when he says he's sorry and that he'll change.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are in an abusive relationship.

Equality, equity, and leadership aren't even real factors in your marriage and certainly aren't the core issues you face.

Are you afraid of him?


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> I get that men are the head of the household


By whose definition is that? That is such a devaluating statement towards women, and reminds me of the 50s, or "Pleasantville". We are not the/a submissive sex. That and the title of your post just rub me the wrong way. :scratchhead:Thing is, if you accept to take on a submissive role, don't be surprised if what you receive is exactly what you're receiving now. If you want a different outcome, you need to adjust your mindset, actions, and expectations, to attract a different type of man. :smthumbup:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> I wish it weren't so hard. He goes back and forth so much that I can't ever tell what mood he's going to be in.* I don't know why I always believe him when he says he's sorry and that he'll change.*


The first step always seems hard, but after you've made it ,in hindsight you would wonder what took you soo long.

You believe him whenever he says he will change because you think you have no other options at this time.
Truth be told, you do.
Your self esteem is suffering and you are slipping into a state abuse victims experience called " learned helplessness."
It is a type of mental conditioning where they feel they have no other option but to accept the abuse as their " fate" and they begin to blame themselves and not the abuser for the abuse.
At this point, they give up and decide to accept the abuse as
" normal."
If the present dynamic in your relationship does not change, and it will never change,except for worse, you will find yourself in that position.

Fortunately, I don't think you have reached that , as yet, so the time to act is now.

Think of your kids, seek professional help , whichever way you can get it, and GET OUT.
Now.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Is there a way to get him to get help too?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

TinyGirl said:


> Is there a way to get him to get help too?


You need to shock him into seeing what he is about to lose, then maybe he will get help.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> Is there a way to get him to get help too?


You cannot help him right now because you are the victim ,need help yourself and he is the aggressor. You are both locked into a dysfunctional relationship dynamic.

Your only option is to save yourself and your kids.
After you leave, he_ may_ come to his senses, and seek personal help.
Truth be told , men who are abusive very rarely ever change.

Their programming is corrupt and their wiring is bad. They abuse because of deep rooted psychological issues, often from childhood.

There are lots of online resources on domestic abuse, please do the research.

Forget about him and start planning your escape.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I can tell you that the main root of the problem is his dad. He's the cause of many of our fights.

I really want this to work as I do love him and I know the kids do too. I'd hate for it to come to a divorce as I have already been divorced once from an abusive man and I'd hate to go through that all again. Especially with two kids.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Equal ownership of the marriage, with some concessions, is my take!

With STBXW, the initial agreement was the equal ownership route ~ except that she had exclusivity on matters regarding her kids, and I had the same with mine. But even in those cases, we both were given serious advisory roles!

Her kids were largely jail-dwelling dopeheads that she always threw money at, all while she initially covered her head in the sand to those facts, telling them "Bad! Bad! Don't you dare do that!"; and then resenting any advise and counsel that I tried to give to her. After a while, she just acquiesed and seemed to give willing adoption to their sordid habits and lifestyle.

She seemed ultra-resentful that mine were well-to-do, accomplished, academic kids, needing little to no supervision while hers richly embraced the absolute scum of the earth and showed absolutely no respect for anyone.


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> Is there a way to get him to get help too?


Don't worry about him! Worry about yourself and your kids!

You mentioned that you've already called the MP's on him once. Do you think he's going to give you another opportunity to call the MP's again? Highly unlikely! 

You need to take your kids and get out BEFORE he gives you another reason to call the MP's - only next time, he'll probably make sure you never get to make that phone call. You'll have the reason, but not the opportunity. Beat him to the punch (no pun intended) and take your opportunity NOW before he takes it away from you!

You can't help him. You're never going to be able to help him. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with him that he needs "help" for. But what you can (and SHOULD) do is help yourself and your kids before something really bad happens. If you can't do it for yourself, at the very least, do it for your kids!


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

How would I explain to the kids that we aren't with daddy anymore if that's what it comes down to?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I insist on a 50/50 participation in all facets of our family/marriage life. No more no less .There are the occasional power struggles but all in all we get to a consensus.

If she has a better option that is based logically I can go with that .We defer to each other’s strength of knowledge. We both can recognize we do not know everything. Sounds perfect but it is not it is a lot of hard work we have been at it for 35 years

Kids are all grown up nice so it is easier. But what does make it easy is for the most part we both want the same things. Now we will just engage in negotiations on how much to spend on 2 weddings. I think I will come up on the short end on that one


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> I can tell you that the main root of the problem is his dad. He's the cause of many of our fights.
> 
> I really want this to work as I do love him and I know the kids do too. I'd hate for it to come to a divorce as I have already been divorced once from an abusive man and I'd hate to go through that all again. Especially with two kids.


Maybe his dad is a pr*ck, but he isn't the "main root" or the "cause" of your fights with your husband. Your husband is a big boy - in fact, he's in the military!!! Your husband is responsible for his own actions. His daddy's not responsible, so don't blame it on his daddy. 

You are staying in the situation and putting up with it - but worse - you're staying in the situation and keeping your KIDS in it with you! You are allowing it!!!

Stop allowing a bad situation to continue. Stop blaming his daddy, or his childhood, or his upbringing, etc. Start taking responsibility for the care of your own kids! You have a duty to protect your kids and not to subject them to a bad situation. If what you've told us is true, then you and your kids are in a bad situation! You staying and allowing this to continue is the "root" and the "cause" of your fights - because you are allowing it! 

You are already divorced from an abusive man. You married another abusive man (if what you've said is true) and now you don't want to divorce this abusive man. You need to get help for yourself so that you can break this cycle. Again, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids because they never signed up for any of this!

I'm NOT being mean - I am hoping you will do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids and I truly hope the best for your and your kids!!!


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> How would I explain to the kids that we aren't with daddy anymore if that's what it comes down to?


Do what you need to do now and worry about explaining later.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> How would I explain to the kids that we aren't with daddy anymore if that's what it comes down to?


TG the only way he will respect you is to stand up for yourself.We tought our children that (boys & girls)You will have to slowly work your way of thinking into his fight the battles worth fighting let the small potatoes go.But you must get into the conversation.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> Do you have it where you involve your wife in decisions, take and listen to her opinions, treat her like she's your equal and not your subordinate...or do you just say to heck with that I'm the boss screw you?
> 
> Reason I ask is this is basically what my husband does. Our marriage is a tyranny and that's how he likes it and he sees no problem with it. He grew up in a family where his dad was absent a lot due to work (understandable to a point) and when he was home it was all about him and he was extremely selfish, somewhat lazy and extremely dictator like. I grew up where yes my dad had the final say but he involved my mom in decisions, he treated her like his equal and not his doormat and he respected her.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the thread as I just wanted to address your post...

To me a marriage is a joint venture. Somethings are the wife's, some are mine and some are truly joint. The key is communication.

I think your husband's is wrong in every regard. I mean look at him. His way has produced a tyrant that is near impossible to love- does he want his kids to be like that? 

But you're in a tough spot. You can fight him or be a doormat but either way you lose.

Were it me, I'd leave him for 90 days. Tell him his theory of being a tyrant as an example to the kids of what a husband should be has failed the biggest test of all- marriage.

See what happens in those 90 days...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> He wasn't like this at all before we were married although he claims he was.


I don't believe people suddenly change once they exchange vows and rings. What happens is that people put on their best appearance and over time, the real person shows up. Sometimes they hide their darker aspects until they've got you locked up with a marriage commitment and that's why there's this sudden apparent change.

So he's being honest with you when he says he was always like that unfortunately he was deceptive by not making that clear before the marriage.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

The reason I say his dad is the main problem is because he wants and tries to be exactly like him. He claims that he doesn't agree with how his dad is and then acts like it's no big deal.

He obviously wasn't like this to me before we got married or else I wouldn't have married him. I guess I've given him so many chances because I do love him and don't want to be the one who quits.


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

It's not a competition where the one who quits first is the loser. Also, because your husband "wants and tries to be exactly like ... [his daddy]" does not make his daddy the "root" or "the cause" or "the main problem" of your issues. You know what you need to do. Now, you just need to DO IT!


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

TinyGirl said:


> How would I explain to the kids that we aren't with daddy anymore if that's what it comes down to?


You have to think of what kind of example this is setting for the kids. Are you allowing them to think that it is acceptable to treat someone this way? Will they learn from their father's example and behave in the same way when they are with someone? 

If you think his father is the cause of his problems, aren't you setting your kids up for the same problems in the future?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I get what you're saying. I will be researching on what the best option will be. Thank you for all your help and advice everyone


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

TinyGirl said:


> I get what you're saying. I will be researching on what the best option will be. Thank you for all your help and advice everyone


Get some kind of support. 

Good luck.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> He obviously wasn't like this to me before we got married or else I wouldn't have married him.


You've married two abusive men, so this is not true.

You had red flags that you dismissed, even if he was trying to be on his best behavior. Look back into the early relationship and ask yourself about the times you had a gut feeling that you explained away or let him rationalize/minimize. Or you passed it off as "normal" bumps in the road all relationships face.

In the long run you have to learn to recognize and flee from abusive relationships.

My wife was a teen when I met her and despite 30 years more in life experience I let her make decisions I knew were wrong and that she would have to learn from by experiencing the consequences. With the kids, the rule is "mommy is the big boss". In front of the kids, on anything requiring a quick decision, mommy rules. Because we need a unified front with the children, and I want them to see Daddy backs Mommy.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> The reason I say his dad is the main problem is because he wants and tries to be exactly like him. He claims that he doesn't agree with how his dad is and then acts like it's no big deal.
> 
> He obviously wasn't like this to me before we got married or else I wouldn't have married him. I guess I've given him so many chances because I do love him and don't want to be the one who quits.


There's a whopping big difference between one who quits and one who is forced out due to this type of mental abuse. You're well within your rights to leave. But I think if you leave with the kids after a short while he will reassess his values and may decide to make some positive changes.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> Do you have it where you involve your wife in decisions, take and listen to her opinions, treat her like she's your equal and not your subordinate...or do you just say to heck with that I'm the boss screw you?
> 
> Reason I ask is this is basically what my husband does. Our marriage is a tyranny and that's how he likes it and he sees no problem with it. He grew up in a family where his dad was absent a lot due to work (understandable to a point) and when he was home it was all about him and he was extremely selfish, somewhat lazy and extremely dictator like. I grew up where yes my dad had the final say but he involved my mom in decisions, he treated her like his equal and not his doormat and he respected her.
> 
> ...


My wife are a team. We work together real well. I have advanced degrees... my wife has a couple of years of college.. BUT, she is as smart as they come. We make major decisions about money together. We talk it out until we are in agreement. Until we are... we just sit tight and keep talking.

My wife handles all the day to day stuff. A lot of details that I really don't want to be bothered with. 

Listen up... My wife has the art of being a woman down pat. She can handle people like nobody's business.

When she wants something... she has the ability to talk me into it... and in the end, have me thinking it was my idea and she is congradulating me and telling me how smart I am.. IOW, she get's what she wants and she preserves my ego. 

My wife has great judgment. The good news is that she's right about 99% of the time.

One of the things that makes our marriage work so well is that neither one of us is focused on who's in control or who get's the credit.... We are focused on making the best decision for our family. 

We just don't fuss and fight over control.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

That's how I wish he was


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TinyGirl said:


> Do you have it where you involve your wife in decisions, take and listen to her opinions, treat her like she's your equal and not your subordinate...or do you just say to heck with that I'm the boss screw you?


 I don't think my husband would even be capable of acting with the "I'm going to do this my way, screw you".. It's not in him... he is way too considerate and cares about my happiness.. 

He likes my Input on near EVERYTHING... at least running it past me... it's funny...he'll even tell me about what tools he's thinking of buying online & what they are used for ...Like I really need to know this..... it's always been a JOINT Effort in our house...and I do the same... I seem to come up with more PLANS over him... so we always talk about that before I go forth... 

There is never any surprises in our marriage in this way... we weigh the pros and cons together... figure the bottom line, get each others full feedback....whether this be adding something to our house, where to vacation.. another car, to buy another computer, get a cell phone, plans he may have with a friend, or my plans with the girls... 

There are times I will say to him... "My Goodness Husband, I know NOTHING about this... this is your bag...just do it"... like buying coins or something.. He studies their value, I don't ... but yet... he wants me to know what he is doing. 

But this is a great place to be.



> *Hambone said:* one of the things that makes our marriage work so well is that neither one of us is focused on who's in control or who get's the credit.... We are focused on making the best decision for our family.


 Minus the Degrees and College... our marriage sounds nearly the same....he endearingly tells me I am "the brains of the outfit".

*TinyGirl * ... many women are attracted to Men who *take control *-this shows confidence /decisiveness- leadership even... the down side can be... he may be unbalanced....take TOO MUCH control, grow ever more selfish over time...and the wife's input / feelings grow smaller ....can he see it, does he care ? Does he want your happiness ? 

What happened....when dating, was there any red flags ??


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

*Re: Re: Men- How do you run your family?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think my husband would even be capable of acting with the "I'm going to do this my way, screw you".. It's not in him... he is way too considerate and cares about my happiness..
> 
> He likes my Input on near EVERYTHING... at least running it past me... it's funny...he'll even tell me about what tools he's thinking of buying online & what they are used for ...Like I really need to know this..... it's always been a JOINT Effort in our house...and I do the same... I seem to come up with more PLANS over him... so we always talk about that before I go forth...
> 
> ...


He was never like this while dating. He seems to go back and forth between realizing it is wrong and not. He will say sorry and that he's trying to change and then it all happens again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TinyGirl said:


> He was never like this while dating. He seems to go back and forth between realizing it is wrong and not. He will say sorry and that he's trying to change and then it all happens again.


What are some examples where he go forth...does his own thing...that affects you both...or he stifles you ..let's you know he is Boss/ get in line. 

And how do you let him know you feel this is wrong & hurtful ..how do you express your feelings to him? 



> The reason I say his dad is the main problem is because he wants and tries to be exactly like him. He claims that he doesn't agree with how his dad is and then acts like it's no big deal.


 I have found in life that either children tend to fall in the footsteps of their parents -similar behaviors OR they are so turned off by them, they vow to do anything in their power to *NOT* be like them or a said Parent -for their own well being & future family ...sounds he is Ok with how his dad IS..and is following course.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My wife use POJA. Policy Of Joint Agreement. This comes with joint veto power.

Effectively we use the Captain and the First Mate. But we dd this from the start before that concept existed.

We each have our primary areas where I defer to her and she to me.

I do an emergency provision, when I grab the helm if there is danger. I have rarely invoked this.

I am the major bread winner. These days her job is really more of a hobby where we lose money on it. But what my wife does touches others lives so I consider it charity. It was not always this way. I used to make 150K+ and she made 25K+. But the value of ones career is not only measured by money. That said, if we had to move for my job sake, we would agree on it, but the reality is, is that I bring home the bread. She is able to follow her dreams because I bring home the bread. 

We are absolutely partners. While she may bring home less money she more than makes up for it everything else she does for us. I would not want to be with a woman who could not balance we. I do not need someone to dominate or feel superior to. My wife and I together are strong than us apart.

I focus on my career, and my wife is pretty much at the helm day to day. It works for us.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

These are his reasons for being a tyrant or whatever you choose to call him: I'm the head of the house and therefore I'm the boss, you don't earn any money so you have no say, being a stay home mom is nothing special and it doesn't mean you should have a say, since my name is on the paycheck it is all my money and that means I decide what to do with it. 

I've tried calmly explaining the fact that a marriage is an equal partnership and that we need to work together, that just because I may not be actively earning money, I am saving us a lot of money by staying home and taking care of the kids and that it isn't as easy as he thinks it is. I've also tried to tell him that since a marriage is an equal partnership that I should have a say in things. I have told him how his actions make me feel and usually he says that I can either deal with it or leave because he doesn't run his life based off of emotions. 

He has this saying, if you screw with me, my friends, family or job then you can piss off....basically he says this. If I remotely say ONE thing bad about any of those topics he goes off, yet if any of those things disrespect me, he doesn't do a blasted thing. It seems like any little thing sets him off.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

TinyGirl said:


> These are his reasons for being a tyrant or whatever you choose to call him: *I'm the head of the house and therefore I'm the boss, you don't earn any money so you have no say, being a stay home mom is nothing special and it doesn't mean you should have a say, since my name is on the paycheck it is all my money and that means I decide what to do with it.*
> 
> I've tried calmly explaining the fact that a marriage is an equal partnership and that we need to work together, that just because I may not be actively earning money, I am saving us a lot of money by staying home and taking care of the kids and that it isn't as easy as he thinks it is. I've also tried to tell him that since a marriage is an equal partnership that I should have a say in things. I have told him how his actions make me feel and usually *he says that I can either deal with it or leave because he doesn't run his life based off of emotions. *
> 
> *He has this saying, if you screw with me, my friends, family or job then you can piss off*....basically he says this. If I remotely say ONE thing bad about any of those topics he goes off, yet if any of those things disrespect me, he doesn't do a blasted thing. It seems like any little thing sets him off.


Given what you say here, this man has an ingrained view of how things work... and he has NO desire to Give, to BEND, TO care... 

This is the height of demeaning, ugly /callous behavior... even abusive..

What fits .....


> Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man
> 
> We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.
> 
> ...


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> These are his reasons for being a tyrant or whatever you choose to call him: I'm the head of the house and therefore I'm the boss, you don't earn any money so you have no say, being a stay home mom is nothing special and it doesn't mean you should have a say, since my name is on the paycheck it is all my money and that means I decide what to do with it.
> 
> I've tried calmly explaining the fact that a marriage is an equal partnership and that we need to work together, that just because I may not be actively earning money, I am saving us a lot of money by staying home and taking care of the kids and that it isn't as easy as he thinks it is. I've also tried to tell him that since a marriage is an equal partnership that I should have a say in things. I have told him how his actions make me feel and usually he says that I can either deal with it or leave because he doesn't run his life based off of emotions.
> 
> He has this saying, if you screw with me, my friends, family or job then you can piss off....basically he says this. If I remotely say ONE thing bad about any of those topics he goes off, yet if any of those things disrespect me, he doesn't do a blasted thing. It seems like any little thing sets him off.


That is *BS*. I'm tempted to tell you to respond... "well I've all the poon tang in this family and if you want me to share..." See how that strikes him.. Ask him if he'd like to pay tit for tat. YOU take care of the kids... YOU do the cooking... YOU do the laundry, YOU clean the house. etc. etc. Tell him to use "HIS" money to hire all that stuff done! Maybe you should take a few days off and see how he likes it...

Your husband has got me peeved off. 

That is NOT the way a man treat his wife and mother of his children when they love and RESPECT them...


I have a theory that people like to believe that they were raised "right" since they turned out OK. Even if they had a horrible childhood. Those that do that seem to treat their wives and family the same way their father treated their wife and children.

On the other hand. You look at your child hood and realize that it wasn't perfect (even if it was good) and you see the mistakes your parents made and you try not to repeat those mistakes. 

I actually have a friend (guy friend) who's wife makes a LOT more than he does. He takes her paycheck and lords over here like it's all his money! He struts around like he's a financial genius. This is funny. My wife has always been a SAHM. He kept bragging about how my wife takes care of me etc etc. What a wonderful wife I have etc. etc. He's doing this in front of his wife. It was causing her great distress. I told her, the nest time he does that... tell him, "You know.. I want to be the kind of wife Mrs. Hambone is... Honey..you DESERVE a wife like Hambone has... one who caters to his every need.. etc. etc. etc. On and on she went... THAT is why I gave my two weeks notice today... So, I can stay home and take care of you full time... like Hambone's wife does!!!!. 

I didn't intend for her to do that in front of me... can you saw awkward? But, he quit bragging about my wife in front of his wife...


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He's definitely abusive and extremely hypocritical. Maybe I believe in him too much and keep thinking he will change like he says he will. Any normal person would have walked away with the first incident of name calling but I keep trying to fight through it and do all that I can to make things work.

There is SOME good in him it just seems to be few and far between. He says you shouldn't let the bad things I've done and do take over all the good things. My rebuttal to that is well it is kind of hard not to when there is more bad than good.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TinyGirl said:


> He's definitely abusive and extremely hypocritical. Maybe I believe in him too much and keep thinking he will change like he says he will. Any normal person would have walked away with the first incident of name calling but I keep trying to fight through it and do all that I can to make things work.
> 
> There is SOME good in him it just seems to be few and far between. He says you shouldn't let the bad things I've done and do take over all the good things. My rebuttal to that is well it is kind of hard not to when there is more bad than good.


How is he doing in his career? Is he bringing his work home with him? As in... He get's chewed out at work... he comes home and chews you out?

My wife had a lot of these same problems with her XH. He was a state trooper. He couldn't take off those mirrored sun glasses and uniform when he got home. 

She told him that, if she was not a valuable part of the team, and he doesn't value what she does at home... she was gonna quit being a wife, homemaker, etc etc.

AND she said tell the whole world. Don't cover for him... Don't make him look like Mr. Wonderful...

You have more power than you think.

In the end. My wife got rid of him and suppored herself with an in home day care. 

UNTIL...her knight in shinning armor came along


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah l mean l wasn't trying to say the way he does things is right , just the it's damn near impossible to even get it right these days no matter what you do. Even if it's worked for yrs , you still have no clue these days until you can turn around at 85 still together .
We had a brilliant team ship going , worked so well together , we still do even separated.
But even with equality , l use to go out of my way to share most stuff with her for that very reason , yet it turns out she didn't wanna know 3/4 of it and just wanted me to take care of it. Great !

He's stuff though , definitely no good . Way way too bully and hard [email protected]@ . Thing is , how does you tackle this , can you work with a nature like this, get through to him , change , with the right medicine, how , what can Tiny try with it ? 

Is it possible to talk to him at all Tiny , are there times when he'll listen , admit , anyway of getting him to want to tone it all the fk down a bit ?

What do you think people ?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Sometimes he will listen and admit he's wrong other times and more often than not...no.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I am a traditional Christian man in a traditional, Biblical marriage. I am the head of the household. That doesn't mean I'm a tyrant. That doesn't mean I disregard my wife's feelings or opinions. My wife is very capable and intelligent. If she has a strong opinion on something, I almost always agree, or let her have her way. I have pulled rank on my wife on a decision of importance about 5 times in almost 20 years. We're usually on the same page.

Like Entropy3000, we use the Captain & First Officer model. It works very well for us. I think it would work very well in most marriages.

As another poster said, a man who believes he has a Biblical right to rule a marriage as a tyrant doesn't understand the Bible well. Conversely, those who believe the Bible is archaic and shouldn't apply to modern marriages also don't understand the Bible well. The Captain & First Officer model is completely in sync with Biblical tenets.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> *I am a traditional Christian man in a traditional, Biblical marriage. I am the head of the household. That doesn't mean I'm a tyrant. That doesn't mean I disregard my wife's feelings or opinions. My wife is very capable and intelligent. If she has a strong opinion on something, I almost always agree, or let her have her way. I have pulled rank on my wife on a decision of importance about 5 times in almost 20 years. We're usually on the same page.
> 
> Like Entropy3000, we use the Captain & First Officer model. It works very well for us. I think it would work very well in most marriages.
> 
> As another poster said, a man who believes he has a Biblical right to rule a marriage as a tyrant doesn't understand the Bible well. Conversely, those who believe the Bible is archaic and shouldn't apply to modern marriages also don't understand the Bible well. The Captain & First Officer model is completely in sync with Biblical tenets.*


*
Here is an excellent thread to illustrate and shed further light on JUST THAT >  http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-spirituality/61081-head-house.html*


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

We are both Christians and yet he still acts like this! He claims he reads the Bible but I don't believe he understands it. Maybe I can pull up these things for him to read. You all have been such a big help both with your support and examples of things. Thank you


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> There is SOME good in him it just seems to be few and far between. He says you shouldn't let the bad things I've done and do take over all the good things. My rebuttal to that is well it is kind of hard not to when *there is more bad than good*.


Your statement above is what determines my relationships with just about everybody. *Your words require action.* Based on your posts I would look at a few options:

1	Have him talk to a competent pastor or elders

2	Have a lawyer write him a letter explaining your options

3	Tell him that you will not be able to stay with him if he does not change

4	Make a plan, work the plan until you get into the right position, then leave him if he does not change


*Many times a person needs to really be jolted in order to change.* The above are just a few that will jolt. If you can think of other jolts then do them. Many times I see spouses tell of horrible marriage situations but lack the actions to make them change. You are going to have to jolt him, settled for being abused (NOT COOL at ALL), or leave him. All the options are for you to take action. Should not be that way, not fair to you, but that is reality.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are married to an abuser. Look up abusive relationships and see if you recognize your relationship. 

It is likely to escalate if is this bad now. You may be in line for injury. You need to get help. If he escalates when you seek help you need to leave. 

What you have done is to allow him to step over boundaries that you should have had in place from the beginning of your relationship. You have to put them in place now.

He gets anger management and stops abusing you as a start. The only leverage you have is to divorce. You must be willing to do that or decide to live with abuse. 

He is not reading the good book if he thinks that is good behavior.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

We are due to leave on a vacation to his parents in MI /eye roll and im hoping it goes well. Basically the reason I agreed to it is because he hasn't been back there in a long time and he is deploying in a few months. If things start going down the tubes I told him that the kids and I will leave and he can find his own way back. On the way there I will compile the resources that you all have given me and see if I can find a good way to present it to him. Each post has been extremely helpful and I can't thank you all enough. I can keep you all updated if you would like.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Good luck Tiny girl. I hope all goes well.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the bosses job...and I don't want it!

Bill Cosby


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Two sides to every story, and I do mean story.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/71305-big-problem.html

In this case, three.


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