# Need suggestions for what I will say to the OM when I return to work!



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hello everyone,

I thought I would start a new thread for this topic so it doesn't get lost in the others. Thank you to all of you who have offered me support thus far...this is such a touchy subject and is very isolating. I don't really have anyone else I want to talk to about this to get advice-other that out MC...but it helps to get insight from those who understand! 

TO THE GUYS, can you give me an idea as to what this OM was really thinking hitting on me and trying to meet me outside of work (he is married with one child) He always made sure to say that sex with me was not his intention...he just likes spending time with me b/c I listen and am nice to talk to..funny etc. He always minimized it when I would say we are going 'too far" by saying we are just "buddies" and haven't done anything wrong. I am unsure what exactly to say to him...maybe he wasn't trying to get together with me, or was in denial about the whole thing, who knows. 

To EVERYONE: I am going back to work this Monday (I work with him 2 late nights/week) and am feeling really nervous and anxious about seeing him. Any suggestions on how I should act..what I should say etc? I need to practice exactly what I am going to say. I decided against the no contact letter, and plan to just tell him when I see him. If it becomes necessary to write a more formal letter and threaten to go to my boss I will resort to that.

My thoughts of what I will say are:
I am working things out with my HB, and we need to make sure that our conduct at work is strictly professional from now on. No more talking about our personal issues, or sex etc...

Anything else to suggest? I have to keep it short and to the point so I don't get emotional or too anxious.

Another thing I have to make sure of, is that we don;t end up in the break room together..this is where we had many chats when we were the only ones in there. When it was slow and we were done our work, we would sit and have really intense conversations at my desk or around the building...he really liked these 'chats' and always insisted I sit with him b/c he liked talking to me, and looked forward to his all week. This was one aspect that I started to look forward to as well-and what got me in over my head, so I have to be firm and say no now. Any wise people out there want to add your 2 cents? I could use some objective advice here...THANKS!!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> TO THE GUYS, can you give me an idea as to what this OM was really thinking hitting on me and trying to meet me outside of work (he is married with one child) He always made sure to say that sex with me was not his intention...he just likes spending time with me b/c I listen and am nice to talk to..funny etc. He always minimized it when I would say we are going 'too far" by saying we are just "buddies" and haven't done anything wrong. I am unsure what exactly to say to him...maybe he wasn't trying to get together with me, or was in denial about the whole thing, who knows.


My BS meter pins itself to FULL ON whenever I hear a guy say 'oh it wasn't for the sex...' It WAS for the sex, he was playing nice to get you into the sack. That's all there was to it.

My suggestion is to find another job as soon as you can, and get away from the problem. It's a price you have to pay - but it will be endlessly more helpful in the end.

If you do have to say anything to him, I suggest it be one thing only: "I respectfully request that you leave me entirely alone." 

And then stay away from him. And do get another job. This just won't work.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower, sorry but the more I see on here and know from my own experience he is absolutely right. U can tell him no contact besides work, but it will kill u. I agree find another job u have done so well not seeing him I'm proud of u. Look for another place of employment well u r still there, I know i sucks but I doubt it will work its throwing a monkey wrench into all your hard work the past 2 months. Good luck
and remember stay away.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This is really, REALLY easy flower. You don't need suggestions for what to say to the OM...

....because you should not be talking to the OM *AT ALL!!* You're very, *very *best bet to nip this right in the bud is a two step approach:

1) Write a No Contact Letter like these Sample No Contact Letters This is not one last love letter, looking for closure, or some letter about fate pulling you apart. This is a letter about the damage you've inflicted on your spouse and considering him and his feelings only. The OM is nothing. You write the letter and your husband MAILS the letter: one to OM and one to OM's spouse. 

Thereafter, no contact means exactly that. *NONE.* If you see him, literally turn your head away. Do not talk to him, email, chat, or ANY OTHER METHOD OF CONTACT. If he tries to talk to you, you parrot only one thing: "I do not wish to talk to you; I want you to stop talking to me; and if you continue to attempt to contact me I will report it as harrassment. Goodbye." 

DO NOT TALK TO HIM AT ALL!!!!

2) Have a talk with your supervisor at work. I understand the job is one you love and if it became known that you had an affair, you and the OM would both be fired. Do you realize and understand that you DID have an affair and you both DO deserve to be fired? That getting fired and losing the job you love is a consequence of unfaithfulness? And you are trying to avoid the consequences of your choices! 

If you are determined to try to continue working there, tell your supervisor that you have a personal request that would make you more productive at work: you are working on things at home with your husband but the OM keeps trying to chit chat or stop by and it is distracting you. Let your supervisor at work know that this is UNWANTED by you and let him/her help. Let them know that you have asked OM to not contact you, but if he does keep doing it, ask the supervisor if they could help enforce it so it doesn't become harassment. 




> TO THE GUYS, can you give me an idea as to what this OM was really thinking hitting on me and trying to meet me outside of work (he is married with one child) He always made sure to say that sex with me was not his intention...he just likes spending time with me b/c I listen and am nice to talk to..funny etc. He always minimized it when I would say we are going 'too far" by saying we are just "buddies" and haven't done anything wrong. I am unsure what exactly to say to him...maybe he wasn't trying to get together with me, or was in denial about the whole thing, who knows.


Flower you are on some seriously dangerous, foggy ground here if you think this was anything other than a deliberate attempt to have sex with you. He is MARRIED!!! You are MARRIED!!! Both of you said vows, and if he really cared and was a man of honor he would go to his wife with his issues because he made promised to her. Sure it's true you may be a good listen and nice to talk to and funny--but that is not the point. You were getting the emotional need of Admiration met by a man other than your husband. So do not fool yourself or think "Well maybe he really was my friend." A TRUE FRIEND would encourage you to keep your covenant, work out your marriage, be HONEST and do the right thing. Anyone who doesn't do those things is not truly your friend. 



> To EVERYONE: I am going back to work this Monday (I work with him 2 late nights/week) and am feeling really nervous and anxious about seeing him. Any suggestions on how I should act..what I should say etc? I need to practice exactly what I am going to say. I decided against the no contact letter, and plan to just tell him when I see him. If it becomes necessary to write a more formal letter and threaten to go to my boss I will resort to that.


Did you read what I wrote up above. You NEED to do a No Contact Letter! If you "say" it to him, you are contacting him to tell him not to contact you! Without saying a word, your actions are saying "I want to be in contact with you and I'm making up excuses to do it--so don't really listen to what my words are saying." By writing a No Contact Letter and having your husband mail it, what you're saying is: "My husband means more to me than my happiness at the moment and I am not fooling around here, I mean it--NO CONTACT."



> My thoughts of what I will say are:
> I am working things out with my HB, and we need to make sure that our conduct at work is strictly professional from now on. No more talking about our personal issues, or sex etc...
> 
> Anything else to suggest? I have to keep it short and to the point so I don't get emotional or too anxious.


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO   You want to contact him to tell him not to contact you? Even the words you are considering are effectively saying, "Hubby and I are going to try, so we can kid around and call it being professional but we can't be very deep because people are watching us." 

Flower, if you refuse to end your job and you refuse to send a No Contact Letter and you refuse to actually not talk to the OM--ARE YOU AWARE YOU ARE CONTINUING THE AFFAIR? 

Do not tell me you are "working on your marriage" because no work can be done while you are in the foggy dizziness of an affair. So the rubber is hitting the road here Flower. Are you going to end the affair or continue it?



> Another thing I have to make sure of, is that we don;t end up in the break room together..this is where we had many chats when we were the only ones in there. When it was slow and we were done our work, we would sit and have really intense conversations at my desk or around the building...he really liked these 'chats' and always insisted I sit with him b/c he liked talking to me, and looked forward to his all week. This was one aspect that I started to look forward to as well-and what got me in over my head, so I have to be firm and say no now. Any wise people out there want to add your 2 cents? I could use some objective advice here...THANKS!!


Well you can see what I think. You are playing with fire and saying you won't get burned. "See? I'm special. Fire doesn't burn me." I say either do #1 and #2 above or at least be honest enough to say that you don't intend to end the affair and you are sort of hoping it will rekindle. 

You decided AGAINST leaving the job because $$ and the OM are there. $$ and OM mean more than your marriage

You decided AGAINST a No Contact Letter because you want that affair-zing. 

You tell me--does it sound like the affair is over to you?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Didn't read a single word you posted, all I read was she seems the type that I can screw with her head and get her into bed.

That's what a married guy wants most of the time. Throw out the BS and see what it sticks to. Attack and hunt down the prey since it's easy game. Married men wanting to be just friends and meeting outside of work, lol. Only if he was still in the closet, not sure how to word it without offending people so, but you know what I mean.

Politely decline his advances and if he keeps bothering you and making you uncomfortable, tell him you'll inform HR if he doesn't leave you alone!!!! That will be the end of that.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> This is really, REALLY easy flower. You don't need suggestions for what to say to the OM...
> 
> ....because you should not be talking to the OM *AT ALL!!* You're very, *very *best bet to nip this right in the bud is a two step approach:
> 
> ...



WOW...I think you are bang on. I am in for it I know. Your advice is very helpful...a little harsh..but it is what I need right now. You are right..there is a part of me that does want the 'zing' but does not want the complications involved to get it. I owe my HB more than that. I will EMAIL the no contact letter to him, as then I know he will get it before I see him at work on Monday..and I am aware, I may have to quit my job in the end, I am just not there yet.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> Didn't read a single word you posted, all I read was she seems the type that I can screw with her head and get her into bed.
> 
> That's what a married guy wants most of the time. Throw out the BS and see what it sticks to. Attack and hunt down the prey since it's easy game. Married men wanting to be just friends and meeting outside of work, lol. Only if he was still in the closet, not sure how to word it without offending people so, but you know what I mean.
> 
> Politely decline his advances and if he keeps bothering you and making you uncomfortable, tell him you'll inform HR if he doesn't leave you alone!!!! That will be the end of that.


Hmmmm...this doesn't make Men sound very appealing LOL! YIKES, I guess I am a sucker then!! He DID screw with my head that is for sure.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Hmmmm...this doesn't make Men sound very appealing LOL! YIKES, I guess I am a sucker then!! He DID screw with my head that is for sure.


The ones who keep their word, and value their promises are the ones that should be appealing! We are all alike - we love the wimminz! - and what sets the faithful apart from the unfaithful is the fact that they honor their commitments, not that they don't want sex.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

From reading your post, I know that you already knew what he was after, sure the nice talk and all, but YOU KNOW WHAT HE REALLY WANTS AND IT EXCITES YOU, nobody in their right mind is going to justify it for you, the question is..can YOU keep from straying?:scratchhead:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> WOW...I think you are bang on. I am in for it I know. Your advice is very helpful...a little harsh..but it is what I need right now.


Pssssssttt...yeah I know it was a little harsh but I was trying to be firm so you'd get how dangerous this. Remember? BTDT. 



> You are right..there is a part of me that does want the 'zing' but does not want the complications involved to get it. I owe my HB more than that.


BTDT here too. I know that "zing" feels so good and you miss it and let's be honest: ya want it. Heck I want it! But like Tanelorn says, at the end of the day when you have honored your vow you can sleep at night AND you can find fun and thrill in faithfulness too. Focus on * THAT *.



> I will EMAIL the no contact letter to him, as then I know he will get it before I see him at work on Monday..and I am aware, I may have to quit my job in the end, I am just not there yet.


NOPE--you write the letter and YOUR HUSBAND sends it. Here's why. If you email it...then again you are contacting the OM (via email) to tell him not to contact you. You are also effectively telling the OM "Hey! Here's my email it's okay to contact me here." Now if your husband wants to send it via email, why that's his business. 

Flower, you need to stop coming up with ways and reasons for you to contact him. NO CONTACT. *NONE*. Got it?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> From reading your post, I know that you already knew what he was after, sure the nice talk and all, but YOU KNOW WHAT HE REALLY WANTS AND IT EXCITES YOU, nobody in their right mind is going to justify it for you, the question is..can YOU keep from straying?:scratchhead:


I guess I would like to think he was after my witty charming side just wanting to have engaging conversations with me haha..yea right I know. Yes it is exciting..that is the allure for me I guess. I felt really sexy and attractive around him.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Pssssssttt...yeah I know it was a little harsh but I was trying to be firm so you'd get how dangerous this. Remember? BTDT.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Are they 'excuses' to talk to him again...probably. I just feel that my business was left unfinished, and I like to have closure before moving on in my life, that is to feel I have said my piece.

How am I going to have NO CONTACT when we work quite closely together 12 hours/week? That is the question. My HB is not happy about my working with him obviously-but he also sees we need my income to pay the bills. To clarify my reluctance for quitting my job..I get paid very well working for the City where I live, so it is more than just min. wage job, and hard to come by. But all of this means nothing I guess if my marriage falls apart b/c I can't get over the OM...UGH. Then again, if our MG falls apart, I am going to desperately need this income to support my kids! I am screwed either way I guess. No pun intended there.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Yes Flowergirl, the almighty ego-boosting someone can give us in our time of much needed ego-boosting, I find it really hard to give my 2-cents to someone on something involving a relationship unless I have personally experienced the same situation,and I have experienced the same feeling that comes from someone giving you that 'I want you more than anything' feeling, even someone who has had a partner experience that feeling, they can only give you their thoughts from a surface level or how they feel on how it affects them of what their partner went through or is going through, it is a rush, a high, whatever someone wants to call it, and even though they mean it from the heart, it just isn't doing justice, because it just bounces right off if that affected person is in the whirlwind of exhilaration, those feelings as 'affaircare' mentions do wear off after a time and he knows that all the typing and talking isn't going to penetrate that 'fog' until some time has passed.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Flower

I understand some of what you are going through because this is what my wife and I have been through. Read through my post some time. Her affair partner / coworker never respected my wife’s space and never left her alone either. I urged my wife to ignore him and go to hr or her boss. She never did. She caved and the affair went deeper under ground. She had one foot in and one foot out. The best of both worlds me and him.

As far as your comments about not being able to find a better job. This is something that my wife also would say. In my opinion it is negative way to think. You know what you are worth every penny your company is paying you and you earn every penny you make. Or else the company you work for would not pay you or even have given you the job. You should look around be positive and aim for an even better higher paying job. Do it for your self and your family. Finding a new job is scary but trusts me there are even better opportunities waiting for you some where else. Get out there on interviews right a resume network etc…You know what this is a perfect project for your husband to help you with…It could really bring you both even closer together.

My advice is don’t go back to work and find a new job ASAP you don’t owe this company anything. You and the OM working together is not going to work. I have first hand knowledge of this. Be strong you can do it….

JAR


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

When you get divorced, it will no longer matter. Do you really want to chance that? If there is contact you are done and so is your marriage. The chemistry of the affair is way to powerful to control. Do you really think you are strong enough?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Why don't you have your hasband read this thread? I think it would scare him to death to put his wife back in the fray. If he really knew how dangerous this is to your marriage he would tighted the purse strings and keep you home.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

jar said:


> Flower
> 
> I understand some of what you are going through because this is what my wife and I have been through. Read through my post some time. Her affair partner / coworker never respected my wife’s space and never left her alone either. I urged my wife to ignore him and go to hr or her boss. She never did. She caved and the affair went deeper under ground. She had one foot in and one foot out. The best of both worlds me and him.
> 
> ...


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> When you get divorced, it will no longer matter. Do you really want to chance that? If there is contact you are done and so is your marriage. The chemistry of the affair is way to powerful to control. Do you really think you are strong enough?



I am trying to convince myself I am strong enough to handle this..but I may be kidding myself. I am so torn as to what route to take!!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Why don't you have your hasband read this thread? I think it would scare him to death to put his wife back in the fray. If he really knew how dangerous this is to your marriage he would tighted the purse strings and keep you home.


Hmmm, not sure I would want him reading the things I write on here. That is why I come here for advice, I feel I can't be truly honest with him and how I am feeling. In his mind it should just be done and over with...in the past. He really doesn't get how far gone I was I guess.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

If you can't be truly honest with him at this point..YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER!!!:scratchhead:


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> If you can't be truly honest with him at this point..YOU HAVE YOUR ANSWER!!!:scratchhead:


What answer are you referring to exactly? That is why I am here..b/c I don't have the answers and I am trying to handle this the best I can. I don;t want to hurt my HB anymore with the details of my affair. We have agreed to focus on the positive, and this is far from positive.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> What answer are you referring to exactly? That is why I am here..b/c I don't have the answers and I am trying to handle this the best I can. I don;t want to hurt my HB anymore with the details of my affair. We have agreed to focus on the positive, and this is far from positive.


Flower, if your hubby was very, very sick would you want him to tell you? Or would you want him to keep it to himself and bear that burden by himself, thinking that "she couldn't handle the truth"? 

If your hubby was fired due to company down-sizing, would you want him to tell you so you two could figure out what to do together? Or would you want him to beg, borrow and steal money and keep it to himself thinking that "she couldn't handle the truth"?

For both of these things, the two of you can get through the situation BETTER if you both work on it together...help each other...figure it out as a team. And if he kept it from you and then you found out a while later, wouldn't you feel like he had really disrespected you because he had the chance to treat you like an equal in the relationship and instead he didn't trust in your ability to "handle it"? 

Yes, you may have freaked out a bit at first hearing his illness was fatal, or hearing you had no income...but if he didn't tell you claiming it was because he "didn't want to hurt you more"...would that make it seem better? Or would you sort of think in your head: "WHAT THE HECK!!! I have the right to freak out and be scared and then decide with you! What do you think I am, a child? This affect MY life too and you didn't even give me the chance to decide for myself!" Plus you never know--you could hear the news and really Rise to the Occasion and be a hero! 

This is what you're doing with your hubby. You are discounting his ability to be an adult, to be your partner, and to deal with this TOGETHER as a team. You keep blocking him out and making up "reasons" why you need to contact the OM. Do you really want to take a giant leap forward in your marriage. BE HONEST. Be completely YOU and tell him exactly your struggles. Let him help you. Let him be your knight in shining armor. And don't take away from him his right to know what's truly going on with you.

That's what intimacy IS. It's being transparent and letting one person--your spouse, to whom you have promised a life-long commitment AND who has committed to you--see the real you. Warts and all. The loving, caring, charming side...and the struggling, weak, "I can not handle this by myself" side. 

This is it, flower. Rubber to the road time. You gonna be intimate with the man you made a promise to?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

That is awesome 'Affaircare', wish I found your post 10 yrs ago..but at least for future use I can apply it..warts and all.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Flower, if your hubby was very, very sick would you want him to tell you? Or would you want him to keep it to himself and bear that burden by himself, thinking that "she couldn't handle the truth"?
> 
> If your hubby was fired due to company down-sizing, would you want him to tell you so you two could figure out what to do together? Or would you want him to beg, borrow and steal money and keep it to himself thinking that "she couldn't handle the truth"?
> 
> ...


Ok...I agree with this. Now should I just let 'er rip and tell him EXACTLY the thoughts, feelings I am still having? He asks me why I am so anxious about returning to work as if he doesn't have any idea why I would be. 
As for not returning on Monday to work...my supervisor is away and he is the only one I would feel comfortable talking to about this whole thing-and if I decide to resign, he is going to have to get all my shifts covered. I don't want to just leave them all stuck without someone to work my shifts. I can see that it is not the best plan to continue working with the OM....although a part of me thinks I can do it! I am going to have to stick it out for a bit until I can find another job, and give notice at work. If I am strong in my mind, and know I want to work it out with my HB-I should be able to stay away emotionally...but will that be best for my mental health...probably not. Thanks for the advice Affaircare...you tell it like it is!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Ok...I agree with this. Now should I just let 'er rip and tell him EXACTLY the thoughts, feelings I am still having? He asks me why I am so anxious about returning to work as if he doesn't have any idea why I would be.


I would recommend telling him the for real truth but also be thoughtful about it. For example, you could say, "I'm anxious about returning to work because I think of the OM and I still get butterflies in my stomach" (which is true, but somewhat thoughtless) -OR- you could reword it to "I'm anxious about returning to work because I'll be in the position I was in when I was vulnerable to the affair and I'm afraid it might happen again. I'm much stronger and closer to you now, but if you'd be willing I could sure use your help to reinforce things!" (also true, but more thoughtful). 

Does that makes sense? 

The first week after I ended contact with the OM, I felt sad and missed him--missed that affair-zing, you know?--but when Dear Hubby asked me what was wrong I didn't say: "I miss the OM" That would have been mean and hurtful! I did say "I'm having a sad moment and would sure appreciate a hug (or insert other request here)." That way he could help me and I was being honest. I knew it was ME that had to change my thoughts but that first week or so the habit isn't quite there yet, right? 



> As for not returning on Monday to work...my supervisor is away and he is the only one I would feel comfortable talking to about this whole thing-and if I decide to resign, he is going to have to get all my shifts covered. I don't want to just leave them all stuck without someone to work my shifts. I can see that it is not the best plan to continue working with the OM....although a part of me thinks I can do it! I am going to have to stick it out for a bit until I can find another job, and give notice at work. If I am strong in my mind, and know I want to work it out with my HB-I should be able to stay away emotionally...but will that be best for my mental health...probably not. Thanks for the advice Affaircare...you tell it like it is!


LOL :lol: :rofl: Yeah I do kind of lay it on the line huh? Well this is your life and your hubby's life and this is serious. Anyway, I think if you wrote a No Contact Letter and had hubby send/mail/email it....and if you asked your hubby for what would help re-enforce you (like "could you please text or IM me once every hour the first week or so until I really get No Contact in place firmly?")...and if you arranged to have lunch with your hubby, so that he's kind of around and visible...and if you asked if you could move your desk or always have another person IN THE ROOM WITH YOU if OM has to be near you...then you may make it. I would start looking for another job though (hey you never know) and I would talk to your supervisor ASAP and just ask for assistance. Maybe they can schedule you opposite him rather than with him. Maybe you can move desks or move away. Know what I mean?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Thanks Affair care..you definitely give me A LOT to think about!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Ok..so I returned to work lastnight, and saw the OM for the first time in 6 weeks. I considered having my HB email him to stay away from me (he was more than willing to do that) but decided I will handle this myself, as I am the one who got myself into this situation. We agreed I would call him throughout the night and check in, b/c he said he was going to worry about me all night while I am at work..so I called 4 times to say hi, I am OK.

On the drive to work, I felt my anxiety increasing-by the time I was walking into the building I was dizzy,nauseated, and my heart was racing like I just ran a marathon. I just kept taking deep breaths and telling myself I can do this. I didn't really have a plan what I was going to say to him-I thought I would just wing it-but make it clear what we have been doing is very wrong and it has to stop. 


So we did have a sit down conversation at one point-I know, I know-not smart!! But he asked me to sit and chat with him and he promised no inappropriate talk so I agreed. Our talk was 'clean' and just about catching up on each other, he asked me lots of questions about what I did when I was away-how things are going-etc. He said he understood that we 'got a little carried away' and will respect that I am working on my MG and won't cross any lines. He said he still wants to be friends at work, and I agreed as long as he respected my boundaries.I told him my HB is aware of everything that has happened between us, and we are trying to rebuild our MG and I told him that I can not risk losing my family,and need to focus on my marriage, and that what we were engaging in is over and has to stop.He understood, and said he thought of texting me just to see how I was as he was concerned-but he didn't, I told him that is a good thing and thanked him for respecting my wishes.
Is talking this way crossing any lines?? It felt ok, just friendly, no innuendos or sexual talk at all. 
I must admit though-there is something still there, I know he is a good person-just as I am. Is there a reason why we can't be friendly at work and not cross any lines?


Seeing him was like seeing an old friend again, and it did feel good-but in a different way. I feel I am able to detach myself from the intensity of what it was b/c I know better I am not in the fog like I was,and have learned much about affairs in the time I took off-as well as myself and my marriage. I am not about to get into it again like I was BUT I am finding I am obsessing about him again today going over our conversation in my head and the things he said.I feel I have enough of a handle on this to not let it go too far again...am I kidding myself? What do you guys think?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

This will interfere with finding the love again with your husband. It is poison. It can not work. You did not do what you planned to do. It is a slippery slope. He cannot be your friend. No contact is no cantact. This will destroy your family. Stop it now. Send the no contact letter. And have your husband speak to him.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Seeing him was like seeing an old friend again, and it did feel good-but in a different way. I feel I am able to detach myself from the intensity of what it was b/c I know better I am not in the fog like I was,and have learned much about affairs in the time I took off-as well as myself and my marriage. I am not about to get into it again like I was BUT I am finding I am obsessing about him again today going over our conversation in my head and the things he said.I feel I have enough of a handle on this to not let it go too far again...am I kidding myself? What do you guys think?


No, flower, no! You are justifying this in your mind - you are drifting into foggy weather! The danger is there - just like that half bottle of whiskey sitting on the kitchen table is dangerous to the recovering alcoholic! What happens if trouble starts up? What happens if things don't recover as fast as you'd like in your marriage? Who is the first person you will turn to? Who will always be there in the background as 'insurance' if things 'don't work out'? 

As long as he is there, you will have a portion of your energy focused on him. You will keep that part of you reserved from your husband...'just in case.' And on top of that - having that 'escape route' means that your commitment to the marriage is just that much less reserved. It's still cheating your husband.

No contact means no contact - and it is my deepest wish that you do not become an example of WHY no contact is so important!


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

Pete nailed it. The first few weeks, perhaps months, might go along just fine, but the first time your husband does something that makes you very upset or angry, I can guarantee you that you will be confiding in this man before you even realize what is happening. Or the event will be on his end, and he will be eliciting sympathy from you by sharing his story.

You might not have physically slept with this guy, but you need to treat the situation as if you had done so. EA's can be so much more devastating than PA's specifically because of these situations, where the lack of sex leaves wiggle room ffor justification.

You wouldn't even consider being alone in the same room with this man if you had actually slept with him, correct? Act as if the sex has already happened or is a foregone conclusion. End it, be firm, and be final. You are informed eough to know that this sort of thing isn't fair to any of the people involved, so don't just end it for yourself, end it for your husband, your marriage, and hell, even for his sake.

By the end of your next shift together, this man needs to know that there is absolutely zero reason for him to speak a single word to you that isn't directly work-related, and everyone needs to know that you are seriously seeking employment elsewhere.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Flower 

Let me be blunt You are Kidding yourself

I heard the exact same things from my wife in therapy. Same exact thought process and justifications. Same script.

And exactly what Pete and Notjustme said happened.

A few months later when my wife needed some emotional support next thing she found herself talking to him and one thing lead to anther and the next thing you know the affair is in full swing again just deeper underground and hidden. All of the while I was being lead to believe things were going in the right direction. She was getting her needs met by me and the OM. When I found out I left and now she wants a divorce. This was 6 weeks ago. 

Each time you have contact with the OM you are hurting your husband and not giving him and your marriage the benefit of the doubt. Look at it this way would you rather hurt your marriage and family or the OM. Whose feelings would you rather preserve? Whose more important...Remind you’re self of this every day.

JAR


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I knew I would get this kind of feedback if course, and I think you all for your concern-I wish I actually had a circle of friends like this I could confide my dark side to.

Something has changed in me though-even though some of the feeing is there for the OM, it doesn't have the allure to it anymore b/c I KNOW I could not be with a married man even if my HB and I don't work out. And even if the OM did in fact leave his wife down the road, I know he is not someone who I would get into a full blown relationship with...he is 15 years older that I am for one thing-and is not completely my type anyways. What attracted me to him, was that he wanted ME by laying the compliments on thick, made it clear he found me attractive and was very persistent in trying to persuade me, and eventually I found myself entangled in it before I knew what hit me. Now I know the reasons WHY I was vulnerable to his attention at the time, and am sure I won't go there again. I know this is bad for all concerned-and I will make sure that our 'talks' do not continue. In the next 2 weeks the contracts are up for renewal at my workplace-so I am going to request to work opposite of him ,if possible, come September. I have to admit, the thought of not ever talking to him again makes me sad-like something is missing-BUT as I said, I am clear that I won't get in too deep again. In fact I encouraged him to put the energy he has put out in trying to get me, into repairing his marriage-I really would like to see him do that, b/c I have grown to care about him, as he has of me. I could tell that in the conversation we had lastnight.


On another note: I tried to get the Harvey book about affairs, and it seems like it is not in print anymore, so I have to try and find one used online. I did come across another book though that has been very insightful. It is called 'When Good People have affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It covers her perspective on all the 17 different kinds of possible affairs, and why otherwise good people have them. Also lots of other information on deciding what to do if you are in one, how to decide if you want to stay with your primary, or affair partner-or go off on your own with either, and how to do each of these. It has helped me see WHAT I was looking for in this relationship, and what need it was filling-a good read for all who have been -or are -in an affair, and the betrayed spouse will benefit as well.What I like about it, is she sheds light on the heart of the matter, and shows that GOOD people can get caught in an affair, and it does not make them evil, immoral, or bad-we are all human, and love and emotions are very complicated. We need to recognize that affairs are not the answer in most cases, but all anybody really wants is to feel loved and to feel good! That is the bottom line, and as in the analogy of an alcoholic, we all pick our poison or vice so to speak-I think we are all just trying to cope-we all have that in common don't we?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Surviving an Affair

----------------
Now playing: Ho'aikane - Reggae Down Babylon
via FoxyTunes


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

jar said:


> Flower
> 
> Let me be blunt You are Kidding yourself
> 
> ...


JAR: I have read some of your posts, but remind me again..is this OM married your wife is with? I can't imagine things would be so cut and dry if children were involved. My husband and I have discussed separating, but either of us will agree to leave the family home, so it is not at all easy when kids are involved.
Yes you are right-I must keep the one closest to my heart in the front of my mind and remember who I am married to and had kids with. This sounds bad: BUT, there is a part of me that is not worried too much of hurting my HB feelings-as I feel I have spent the last 8 years or so of our marriage with hurt feelings putting up with his BS-I know how awful that sounds, and I am trying to put all that behind me, it is not easy.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Flower I am sorry if I was harsh….

My wife and I have no children and only have been married for a few years. The OM is a single guy she works with. He is not even from this country. So our situation is a bit less complex than yours but just as painful.

I hear what you are saying and I think I understand your feelings with your husband. He has caused you pain and heartache and he let you down. So those feelings of not caring about hurting his feelings I can understand. Maybe even a part of you wants some revenge or payback. 

A part of all of us wants revenge or payback when we have been wronged. I know I do and I get it.

I guess the question I have for you is can you forgive him for the past and move forward. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It is also not an easy thing to-do.

JAR


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Harley's books are in print. They are very . I ordered a bunch for friend a couplw weeks ago. Less than $20 or in your local library. Any of his books would help you. You husband HAS to read one.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

I found my copy in borders last week. It took a while to find. It was not in the marriage section. It was under Christian inspirational section...Not really sure why...


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

I don't really post a lot, but I follow everyone's thread. I feel like I should share something with you. 

I love my H. I've been a stay at home mom most of our marriage. He works very hard. I wouldn't say I've been the perfect wife. I've tried. I've been faithful. I always thought he was too. Our marriage wasn't even close to perfect. I never thought he would cheat though. I assumed when he went to work, he went to work. I never really worried about other women. He would go out after work too. I never said much because he works so hard and I just thought he deserved to go out and I trusted him. Back in September, we started having financial problems. I took a job as a waitress and started working opposite hours of my husband. We have two children and this was the best option. At work, I started being around other men. I started feeling attractive again. One guy in particular was always flirting with me. He was very very attractive. I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. I was thinking about him all the time. I was texting him. We would go out after work. He would bring me home. We would talk for hours. One night, my H was trying to get my attention. I pushed him away like I had been for awhile. I was so busy thinking about the OM that I didn't realize that I was losing my husband. That night, I went to bed. A girl from work started texting him. A pretty young girl that I would later find out was in love with him. She adored him. While I criticized and pushed him away, she treated him like superman. That night he went out and met her at a bar. It was the first time they met outside of work. He was very drunk. Had been drinking prior to going there. She flirted and carried on and took him back to her car. They were kissing in the backseat when my friend who happened to be at the bar and saw them go out to the car knocked on their window. She called me at 3 am. I was very upset. My H tried for months to get me to forgive him. I would not as I was still in a fog over the OM. He tried so hard. He looked up ways to save your marriage and tried to get me to read them. I didn't. I was very cruel to him. It wasn't fair because it could of just as likely of been me in that car with the OM. Nothing physical ever happened, but I wanted it to. But, instead of sharing this with my H and forgiving him and going to counseling. I continued to push him away and go out at least twice a week til 4 am with my friends and the OM. In January, I went to see my sister in another stated. My H wanted to go, but I wouldn't let him. That was the weekend that he had sex with another woman. Not even the same girl from the bar. Another girl from work that had a big thing for him. I didn't find out until May. I can tell you one thing, it woke me up. I was so crushed. It was painful. I wasn't even angry at first. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. Eventually, I realized all the things that I did to contribute to this. I'm not saying it's my fault, but I allowed this to happen. I pushed him away. I was so busy being in a fog over this OM that it didn't even occur to me that other women were pursuing my husband or that he was in a fog too. I realized that I loved him. The problem now is that I'm afraid that it is too late. A kiss would of been a lot easier to forgive then sex. 

I just want you to see what is happening. You are in a fog. Want to know something? I have no idea what I saw in this OM now. I see him and I feel absolutely nothing. I am angry that I allowed him to come between my husband and I. You have to understand that there are always other men and women who are ready to jump into your place. I would almost bet that there is a woman at your h's work probably that has a crush on him. I had no idea how many women had crushes on my H until recently. I was taken aback. We get so used to the person we are with, we forget how lucky we are. I have a handsome, successful, charming, intelligent husband. I bet you do too. Take a look at your husband tonight. Really look at him. See him like you are another woman and not his wife. Please don't let what happened to me happen to you. I wish I could go back every day and fix it. I never cheated on my H physically, but my EA let to his physical one. I don't believe it would of happened if it weren't for my EA.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

WOW, now that was an inspiring post.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Thanks for sharing your story-sorry yours did not end well. It speaks to the incredible force and EA has on ones life and mind. That 'FOG' is like putting blinders on and seeing nothing else that is going on...it is only with some distance from the OM, that I have been able to see how far gone into it I truly was.

UPDATE:
My HB had a breakdown yesterday when we started talking about the EA, it hit him that he may never be able to trust me again, that he is questioning that I am the woman he thought I was-he is in disbelief that I have feelings for another man. This all came about b/c he asked how it was working with him the other night, and I admitted there was still a connection there-although not as intense-but I am working to get over it.
We ended up having a drawn out 4 1/2 hour heated fight/discussion into the night-he cried, he told me he is done trying b/c I can't give anything back, and that he wants a divorce b/c he can't carry on like this anymore. We talked about it, thought about it, I even felt a bit of relief and started really considering leaving. I brought it to his attn, that I AM trying, and listed the ways I am giving to him what I can right now under the circumstances, and he admitted he may be being selfish..it has only been 2 months of him really TRYING to repair the damage done to our MG on his part..I told him it is unrealistic to expect 8 yrs of damage to heal in 2 months! I agreed I would stay put, and really try to move forward IF we set a time line, go to our MG Councillor monthly,and give it a 6 month period and decided we will try everything to save this-but if in 6 months we feel little or no progress has been made, we can move on knowing we tried for 6 months beyond feeling it was over instead of giving up. So that is the conclusion we have come to. I also shared with him the 'conversation' I had with the OM at work, and he made me see, that even though we were just 'talking', I am continuing the 'relationship' by befriending him, and I need to be more disconnected from him. He wasn't mad about it-just said "I am sorry for you that you weren't able to put up the boundary and stick to it, and you need to learn to do that for yourself" and he was very right, I need to stop being nicey nice and listening to the OM tell me of his marriage troubles, acting as a Councillor trying to help him...that is how we got into this mess! So it is fair to say I am still 'in it' and am determined to get out of it b/c I know better.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You have to put him in the loop. Direct him to marriagebuilders.com and the Harley books so he can get independant verification of what is happening to you. He thinks it is just you not human nature. He


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Demonstrate to your husband that you are "in it" for real by doing two things: 

1) You write OM a No Contact Letter and let your husband send it. Sample No Contact Letters. You can not be having conversations with him, chatting, or even be friendly! No Contact means just that *NO contact*--*NONE*. Not even saying "hi"!!

2) Tell your supervisor at work or quit your job. I don't care if the supervisor you like is out of the office--tell the other one or tell their boss...today. Set firm boundaries TODAY. If you refuse, I would suggest extremely actively pursuing another job...today. Find another job immediately and quit this one. 

By doing those two things you would demonstrate to your husband by your behavior that he means more to you that either a job or the OM. By continuing to refuse to do them, you demonstrate by your behavior that he means less to you than a job (which is fleeting and from which you should be fired for your behavior) and less than the OM. 

It's up to you, flower, you're free to choose. But be advised that at this point, if I were coaching your husband, I would be strongly suggesting to him that he expose your affair to one trust authority figure such as either your parents or your boss or the OM's wife. This affair just HAS TO END--you are fooling yourself.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Ok..you all see what happened to your relationships, now what?, work on the relationship?..no..work on yourself!!!, you cannot work on something like a relationship until you are re-committed yourself, sure it sounds all great to say it, but deep down you know it isn't, you have to feel great about you, at least that is what I have experienced, I feel great, then I can emit that feeling into other things, I don't feel great, how can I make a relationship great?, I can't...work on yourselves at being a great,not good, but great individual.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I wanted to say thank You for all of your responses and support. I just wanted to say, that I have decided to stick it out at work, despite strong advice against that, because I do not want to give up my job. I am not even sure I want to stay in my MG because it feels done on my end...I am at a loss.This is NOT to be near the OM, I feel differently about that now-I don't want that in my life anymore. We are giving it 6 months-and will decide from there. I am so heartbroken over all of this, and don't want to think of breaking up my kids family-but I also can't stay in a MG that no longer feels right. It is not fair to my HB either, he is giving 100% to trying to make this work, and my heart just is not in it. I feel way too much has happened.I will keep updating how things are going-and wish all of you luck in your situations.

~flower


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I wanted to say thank You for all of your responses and support. I just wanted to say, that I have decided to stick it out at work, despite strong advice against that, because I do not want to give up my job. I am not even sure I want to stay in my MG because it feels done on my end...I am at a loss.This is NOT to be near the OM, I feel differently about that now-I don't want that in my life anymore. We are giving it 6 months-and will decide from there. I am so heartbroken over all of this, and don't want to think of breaking up my kids family-but I also can't stay in a MG that no longer feels right. It is not fair to my HB either, he is giving 100% to trying to make this work, and my heart just is not in it. I feel way too much has happened.I will keep updating how things are going-and wish all of you luck in your situations.
> 
> ~flower


Have you been listening to what many of these people have been telling you? Your heart is very obviously not in it, because you refuse to fully end the affair and focus 100% on your marriage.

The entire point of the marriage vows and covenant of marriage is that you are promising to make the DECISION to stay and work on the marriage...even when your heart is just not in it.

I'm sorry if I am coming across as more harsh than I mean to be, and I am deeply sorry if ending things is the route you choose to go, but if step back and look at things objectively, two things stand out more than anything.

1. You really haven't given your heart or your relationship a lot of time to heal yet.

and 

2. I know you don't want to hear it put this way, but by refusing to take the necessary steps to remove the OM from your life because you don't wish to change jobs, you ARE choosing your job over your marriage.

No matter how things end up for you though, I wish you and your family all the best.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Words can not express how sad I feel, and what's the most heartbreaking of all is that I vehemently believe you could rebuild love with your husband, the man whom you looked in the eye and promised to give 100% of your affection and loyalty to until you died, and save your children from a broken home if only you valued your marriage and family more than this job. 

What a shame that a job is more valuable than doing the work necessary to create the relationship you promised to your husband and children.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I know you mean well 'Affair' but a person can come to a decision that a marriage is dead to them..there is no shame in coming to that truth IMO, how can someone tell or make someone else 'feel' different toward another person intimately?..and that person 'want' to feel that way?..a marriage shouldn't have to be HARD WORK!! IMO


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> I know you mean well 'Affair' but a person can come to a decision that a marriage is dead to them..there is no shame in coming to that truth IMO, how can someone tell or make someone else 'feel' different toward another person intimately?..and that person 'want' to feel that way?..a marriage shouldn't have to be HARD WORK!! IMO


All marriages are hard work at some point. There wouldn't be sacred vows (which in today's society seem to mean very little) involved at the inception if there weren't hard work involved.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Yes, it is work, I know that, and hard work, but it also takes 2 doing hard work, mostly it's only one though, it shouldn't be all encompassing hard work all the time.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

When Flower first posted she seemed to be the shining example of a WS understanding what poison an affair is and how addictive it can be. She listened to advice and appeared to appreciate it. However the addiction's power iwas too strong, even for her. She is not willing to go no contact. So now she follows the script to destruction and pain. So she'll give a half hearted effort at the marriage and the affair will turn physical before you know it. Then she has to see the pain and destruction she causes to her family. Will her husband wait until the affair burns out and she realizes what she has done? How about doing the honorable thing divorce her husband before engaging in the affair? What is the job going to mean when two jobs are supporting two households. When you pay the lawyers thousands instead of having love in the family? This is going to turn very expensive very quickly.
My wife once said she could never afford to leave me. She is renting a shack, selling her luxury SUV for a 4 year old Saab, living without airconditioning and with basic cable. And she is working the hardest she has in her life. Flower, keep the job, lose the family. And see how quickly you become poor and overworked for the thrill that might last you a year.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> When Flower first posted she seemed to be the shining example of someone understnading what poison an affair is and how addictive it can be. She listened to advice and appeared to appreciate it. However the addiction's power is too strong, even for her will if she is not willing to go no contact. So now she follows the script to destruction and pain. So she'll give a half hearted effort at the marriage and the affair will turn physical before you know it. Then she has to see the pain and destruction. Will her husband wait until the affair burns out and she realizes what she has done?


This might not be the case at all...she may decide she can't take the marriage anymore and decide to file for divorce tomorrow for all I know, and in the end flower, her husband, and the children may look back on it as the best decision she ever made. I just feel it would be unfair to everyone involved for her to make such a decision without giving it her very best shot and making her marriage THE priority in her life, and then giving it a good amount of time.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I know you mean well 'Affair' but a person can come to a decision that a marriage is dead to them..there is no shame in coming to that truth IMO, how can someone tell or make someone else 'feel' different toward another person intimately?..and that person 'want' to feel that way?..a marriage shouldn't have to be HARD WORK!! IMO


A marriage is a commitment. Can a commitment to repay a loan 'die' just because you no longer feel like paying it? Marriage does not 'die' - it is either in operation or it does not exist. As long as the divorce is not signed, it is alive.

A marriage is an agreement, a commitment, a vow, a promise, made between two people, and unless those vows have some clever conditional clauses, it is not invalidated just because someone just doesn't _feel_ like it today. In fact, its the times when you don't *feel* like it that the hard work is required. Not much point to working hard when times are great, eh? 

The problem is that to many people, there are commitments that mean more to them than the promises they make to another person. In particular, it is an ever present commitment to the satisfying the self that we use to overrule any promises we make to others. Anyone who is not willing to keep their word when times get tough, or they don't feel like it.....should never make promises to another, since to do to is simply to start the relationship with a lie. And my, what a wonderful thing to start and build a relationship on! Deceit. Go figure.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

'Pete' again you are correct in what a commitment is and what it should mean, all I'm saying is, can you truly fault a person, if that commitment was made and that individual who in all purposes was either too immature or maybe their definition of commitment is not what the average person says it is..IMO no you can't, you can scold them for not upholding what it means to most people, but some people have different definitions about everything and it sucks bad to the person they 'commit' to..but doesn't mean they are a 'bad' person.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> 'Pete' again you are correct in what a commitment is and what it should mean, all I'm saying is, can you truly fault a person, if that commitment was made and that individual who in all purposes was either too immature or maybe their definition of commitment is not what the average person says it is..IMO no you can't, you can scold them for not upholding what it means to most people, but some people have different definitions about everything and it sucks bad to the person they 'commit' to..but doesn't mean they are a 'bad' person.


To start - I never made a value judgment about anyone involved - good or bad. From what I understand of this particular case, Flower's husband has certainly not been the 'Catch Of The Century'. No indication of the moral character of either party involved have I declared! I am simply pointing out that the marriage commitment is a lifelong binding contract that is not dismissed simply because someone 'just doesn't feel like being committed anymore!'

However: you are making an excuse for people that should never be allowed! If the definition of a commitment means one thing to one person, and something else to another, then the word commitment in reality has no meaning. It's simply an empty metaphor set to hold whatever definition you wish to insert into it. It means that _affairs_ have no meaning - "Well, in my world, the word 'commitment' means that I get to chase after other people - and what right do you have to claim that I was not faithful! I was according to MY definition! Just because that's not what the average person says doesn't mean I can't define it however I want!"

Who can fault someone for 'cheating' on their spouse, when, according to THEIR definition (which may not be what the average person believes) - getting involved with other people is part of the definition of commitment! (Who has the right to impose their definitions on someone else?) We'd do better service here by arguing with everyone that their marriage is meaningless - and to get on with their lives. I get it - there are a lot of bitter people here with axes to grind who would love nothing better that to see as many people divorce as they can. I am not one of those. I argue very strongly that marriage is a commitment, and the word commitment has a definite, distinct and logical definition, one that can be distinguished from any number of other similar phrases, making it a distinct word that has a particular use in a particular way.

How well would that work in the marketplace? "Well, according to MY definition of commitment, I simply make the down payment, you give me the goods, and we part ways! Hey - you may have a different definition, but what right do you have to hold your opinion against me?" 

There would be no civilization without people keeping their word - and facing consequences if they do not. Marriage may be difficult at times - and in fact is difficult at times _for everyone_ without exception. The idea of committing to something does not include the option of quitting if you get uncomfortable...._unless you pre-arrange that contractual condition_. Otherwise, you are simply breaking your promise, and when there are other people involved - you are harming them.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower, I am in the same boat,feel the same way as u do, but I think I am in love with tom.I believe that u r not, I could be wrong. I have to tell u I thought u could do it, I am a bit disappointed in u, u can still work and stay away but u choose not too.It has not been long enough away from the other man for either of us to make this big of a decision about the marriage. They can talk all they want about commitment and vows, I know all about that too, I was very faithful to the church and still try to be, but I realize after having a health scare and a husband that was settling with me too because I was not the perfect wife either, people deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship not one of cruelty and lies. Please just really try and for longer than 6 months, thats not long enough. I have to do the same I am misserable and putting my husband through hell I think he has no trust left in me and maybe he shouldn't but I am still here trying and going to councelling. We both I think haven't stayed away long enough from tom and if we did they say we would feel differently, I don't know I have no answers for u all I know is I'm here for u going through the same crap and it's a shame for everyone involved. Stay strong and don't do anything to quick that u will regret later. bye fo now. BLUE
,.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Flowergirl - Is the ultimate reason you cannot leave your job because you are worried that should the marriage not work out you will have no income and struggle financially as a single parent, which is a reasonable concern in these times. 

I seem to recall that you work nights and so I am assuming that your husband takes care of the children when you are at work. If you leave the marriage, and stay in the job, do you think your husband will be happy to continue with this childcare knowing that you are going to be with the OM, whether or not there is still something going on with the OM. On the other hand, would you even feel it fair of you to ask your husband to continue with the childcare given that you are going to be with the OM. Maybe you already have alternative childcare in mind but just in case not ...

Another part of me wonders if you want to keep the OM in the picture in order to keep your husband on his toes, so to speak. Is it the case that he only started changing his behaviour when he found out about the EA with the OM. Are you perhaps wondering if he will revert to his old ways once he feels there is no threat from the OM. 

Like many others, I have doubts about you being able to continue to work with the OM AND save your marriage. 

Given your mixed feelings and that you are finding it difficult to forgive your husband for his past deeds, might a trial separation from your husband be helpful and at the SAME TIME you take another leave of absence from work and see how you feel being on your own without your husband or with the OM in the picture. 

If I recall correctly you say you have never not been in a relationship and maybe having a period of time "man free" might allow you the opportunity to de-fog and clarify what you truly want for the future. Of course, there is the risk that if at the end of such a "man free" period were you to decide you did want to get back with your husband, there is no guarantee he will want to get back with you.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Please forgive the wandering I may start here in this post but I wanted to reply with my 2 cents, for what it is worth. I am not intending to single any one out here either, just give something from my perspective. 

I am 2 years out from the discovery of my wife's EA's, still together and I believe we are recovering, at least from my perspective. Often times, as has been pointed out many many times on this board, we only get to hear one side of the story and must base our opinions on that story. I am not saying anyone is telling a falsehood but we must also keep in mind that the story is told from a certain point of view.

There have been many discussions on his needs, her needs, love busters, etc, which I have only recently discovered on my part. 

In reality, I think one pink elephant in most rooms that is either ignored or forgotten is that people just do not really know each other. That was one of the issues in my case. I knew my wife, lived together for a few years before marriage, were married for 8 years before the 1st EA and have an additional 5 years since the 1st EA together. But when I actually sat back, after the pain, the betrayal, the anguish, I realized finally that I had no idea how to truly communicate with her.

I could talk till im blue in the face, I could perform actions by the dozens but until I knew HOW she viewed love, How SHE communicated, how I needed demonstrations of love and committment, We were simply passing each other on a road to nowhere. And I will be the 1st to admit that many times I thought "It would be so much easier to just move on and start again."


I think this is a base thought for many people who struggle in a relationship. It takes true courage to sit down and hash out how things are percieved, to invest the time and energy to really work at figuring, out as a couple, who sees what as what, who needs what and how that need should be presented so it is noticed and banked. That is very hard and takes considerable dedication and most people are either to scared, to selfish or to uninformed to make the attempt.

Once I figured this out, it began to make things mush better in our relationship on every level. So in a nutshell, it matters not how many times in past you "discussed" what was wrong, or needed or desired. Until you and your partner can speak in a language THEY understand and they can address YOUR specific language, you are simply going to continue to feel as if they do not care, do not make any effort, do not understand you. And in truth, they DONT understand.

As has been said a multitude of times, "Communication is key!" And yes, that is true, but until you speak WITH THEM instead of AT them or TO them, you are simply a whisper within a scream.

I hope that makes some semblence of sense.

Q~


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> I know you mean well 'Affair' but a person can come to a decision that a marriage is dead to them..there is no shame in coming to that truth IMO, how can someone tell or make someone else 'feel' different toward another person intimately?..and that person 'want' to feel that way?..a marriage shouldn't have to be HARD WORK!! IMO


2daughters- THANK YOU!! This is my truth right now, sad as it is. My marriage felt over before the OM came into the picture. I have fought long and hard to fix our marriage, and that little spark that was always there to keep plugging through just isn't there as much as I wish it were. B/C I feel this way-and IF we decide to separate, I will need this job to support my kids and myself. I have no interest in running away with the OM, or having a relationship out side of work with him. I just have to keep working on myself,and try to build positive experiences with my HB.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

NotJustMe said:


> This might not be the case at all...she may decide she can't take the marriage anymore and decide to file for divorce tomorrow for all I know, and in the end flower, her husband, and the children may look back on it as the best decision she ever made. I just feel it would be unfair to everyone involved for her to make such a decision without giving it her very best shot and making her marriage THE priority in her life, and then giving it a good amount of time.


The past 8 years, living w/ and emotionally checked out HB has taken it''s toll. My spirit is broken, and I have not felt good around my HB in years because of all the bad ways he was treating me. Is there not a chance that it is just over? Too much pain, we probably weren't right for each other from the beginning, but fell in love (I think). I see now we started our union on very shaky ground-this is probably the root of all our problems. If I had of known then, what I know now about what I need and want in a marriage-I would have ran the other direction. I know that sounds bad-but it is true. Of course I have learned some very valuable lessons in our life together, and we have 2 beautiful girls which I am grateful for, but I now know what I NEED to be happy with someone, and I haven't had it...until now b/c he was 'shocked' into changing when he found out about the EA. I WILL NOT be running into the OM arms-nor do I desire that. If anything, if we don't work out in the end, I will live by myself for a very long time, and work on ME for a change. Thanks for your words NJM.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I have been giving thought to Affair and Petes writings on the life long commitment that marriage is to be; no matter what happens, you stick it out. And to some point I DO agree with that-that you do not just throw it away b/c it no longer feels good. You have to try many things before giving up-and then after that , you try some more, and then a bit longer....and so on. But what if over the years the two of you grow in different directions? What if, your time with this person has come to an end, and he/she is no longer the right one for you? I have grown into a woman who knows more of what I need in a marriage, and my needs have been ignored in our marriage. I have always been very committed to my personal growth,and my HB used to always belittle, and make fun of me. He would say I sound like a self help book when I talk, and it hurt deeply b/c this is such a huge part of me, and he never appreciated this in me -UNTIL NOW! 
In many ways I feel betrayed b/c in the vows, it states "love, honor, cherish" and I did not feel any of those "promises" were kept. You can't honor your wife, when you are constantly trying to squash her into the ground so she feels she no longer has a say in her life, or treat her as if she doesn't really matter much to you, or run the other way when she wants to talk and connect or, or ,or...I could go on. He made me feel like I was a dummy with no worthy opinions or ideas-he has a PHD and I didn't graduate, so he made it clear he knew he was the "educated one" constantly correcting my grammar etc...


My question to Affaircare and Pete:


HOW MUCH CAN ONE TAKE BEFORE THEY EMOTIONALLY CHECK OUT? Is it not possible that the one you "promised" to be with forever, is no longer right for you? Or do you stick it out even thought you don't feel the same way toward your spouse? Do I keep 'pretending' and we can just play house for the sake of out commitment even though we are both miserable?

What then?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if nothing else, flowergirl, you should make a vow to commit at least 2 more years to your marriage. Why? Because you need time away from OM for the memory of the 'high' you felt to fade away, the fog to clear, so you can see reality. No matter WHAT you say, working with him keeps the memory of the false chemical high you were feeling around him, flowing fresh.

ANY decision to change right now is a FALSE decision, one tempered by your memory of lust. And that is no way to make a decision that will alter your children's lives forever. 

You are in a SELFISH mode right now; it is running strong. Me...me...me. You have to be away from OM for a decent period before that can stop, and you are refusing to stop your job.

Well, then, you are just continuing to choose YOUR selfish wants over your family's.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> HOW MUCH CAN ONE TAKE BEFORE THEY EMOTIONALLY CHECK OUT? Is it not possible that the one you "promised" to be with forever, is no longer right for you? Or do you stick it out even thought you don't feel the same way toward your spouse? Do I keep 'pretending' and we can just play house for the sake of out commitment even though we are both miserable?


1) In your case, Flower, there is no way to tell until the fog lifts and you are able to objectively look at your marriage. Until then, the fog is creating the troubles you seek to escape.

2) There is no 'Mr Right' - that particular idea is one that you build through commitment and communication. No one remains 'right' for you without kinks and hurdles during a lifetime. _Every_ marriage, without exception, goes through times when things just don't seem 'right'. That is the 'for worse' to which you vowed. Life is not always buttercups and daisies. It's in the TOUGH times that the hard work happens. In the good times ('for better') you reap the benefits of the work you do in the rough.

I am not defending your husband. Sometimes (as has been stated elsewhere) it requires a 'shot across the bow' to get someone's attention. Ok, so you fired that shot, it has been noticed. Now is the time to focus on what YOU promised. From what you write - he _is_ making that effort. 

And I do not accept the argument that you were perfect in your marriage up until your affair. You were just as responsible for the problems as he.

Using the fact that he was not perfect in the past does not give you the right to do wrong now. You are responsible for your actions, and he is responsible for his. 

On top of that, your _feelings_ are not the guide by which you should make decisions. Decisions should be made (especially by an adult) through thinking - regardless of emotions. It's ok to experience the emotions - there is nothing wrong with that. But it is not right to wait for an emotion - and then use that as the criteria by which you act. Especially when you are so deep in the fog you can't figure out who is seriously trying to help you and who is simply giving you validation for your foggy feelings!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Advocado said:


> Given your mixed feelings and that you are finding it difficult to forgive your husband for his past deeds, might a trial separation from your husband be helpful and at the SAME TIME you take another leave of absence from work and see how you feel being on your own without your husband or with the OM in the picture.


Correction! - in the last line I meant to say "without your husband AND withOUT the OM in the picture"


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> 1) In your case, Flower, there is no way to tell until the fog lifts and you are able to objectively look at your marriage. Until then, the fog is creating the troubles you seek to escape.
> 
> 2) There is no 'Mr Right' - that particular idea is one that you build through commitment and communication. No one remains 'right' for you without kinks and hurdles during a lifetime. _Every_ marriage, without exception, goes through times when things just don't seem 'right'. That is the 'for worse' to which you vowed. Life is not always buttercups and daisies. It's in the TOUGH times that the hard work happens. In the good times ('for better') you reap the benefits of the work you do in the rough.
> 
> ...



I hear what you are saying; however I do not have a clue how to fix this. I just feel like I can't do this anymore-it has been a long haul the duration of our relationship. I truly don't feel like this OM has any bearing on how I am feeling right now-in fact I feel over that whole thing and can see clearly how wrong and messed up it was. I feel so emotionally drained right now-and do not know what way to turn....
Maybe I do need to leave the job I love, that pays me well and focus on a new path. BUT if we still don;t work out-then I will have given up yet another part of myself foe this marriage, and I feel I have given up so much already.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fg, your every post is filled with "I" "I" "I"

You are entitled to happiness but as an adult, you are also entitled to having to own up to your responsibilities. For you to give up on a marriage when you are getting the one thing you wanted - a dedicated husband - is proof that you are stuck in selfish mode. 

Sometimes you just have to say you will put your wants on hold, to do the right thing - which, in your case, and _especially _since you cheated, is to not make any decisions that benefit YOU but harm your family. You owe them that much, after what has happened.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I really thought I would be ok working with him, and I thought we were doing a good job of keeping things 'professional'. We have talked-yes I know, I know, that is a huge mistake. Mosty about how I a working on my marriage, and that what we have been doing must stop. He agreed he will back off, and said he doesn't want to see me lose my marriage-and wants me to be happy. But I am trying to work through this in my own way-without crossing any lines of course. I realize too, am am in effect still tied to him in some way-but am trying to move on.

I am finding myself thinking of him (even though I know he is not my type!) Why is this? I am attracted to him-BUT, he would not be someone I would pick out of a crowd to date even if I was single. I could see us having a lot of fun, but that is it...so I know this whole thing has just been about us trying to hold on to what feels good, while we are trying to cope with a failed marriage.

I am going to see a councellor by myself next week to work on my issues, and we will continue to see out MC together.

What does it mean if, when you really think about it, the thought of leaving makes me feel elated, and excited...to be free to be on my own without the stress of living in a broken down marriage? This has nothing to do with the OM-I just feel like I would be a better Mom and happier person, if I was free from all of this relationship stress. Trying to work through all of this is killing both of us a little more every day. But we are holding on....desperately hoping we can work through this mess.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> fg, your every post is filled with "I" "I" "I"
> 
> You are entitled to happiness but as an adult, you are also entitled to having to own up to your responsibilities. For you to give up on a marriage when you are getting the one thing you wanted - a dedicated husband - is proof that you are stuck in selfish mode.
> 
> Sometimes you just have to say you will put your wants on hold, to do the right thing - which, in your case, and _especially _since you cheated, is to not make any decisions that benefit YOU but harm your family. You owe them that much, after what has happened.


Is there really anything wrong with considering ME for once in my life? I have pushed my needs down for so long, I didn't realize what they were, or what I even wanted in my life, and let men abuse me and my spirit. I am now finally in a place where I am looking at all of this, and realizing that I need to take care of me. How is this selfish? I have stuck this out for a very long time-feeling miserable with my HB-but have stayed b/c I didn't think I had a choice. Now I know that I do, and I deserve to have a happy life, free of the things I no longer want in my life that are damaging to me and my kids.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Flower

Check out my thread my last post may give you a new perspective on a few things. 

JAR


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Can I assume that at one point you and your husband were happy together. You have a lot in common and can be happy with him. If you didn't have the distraction I am sure you would see that. There is no healing with out the OP completely out of the picture. You still think of yourself a unique. You ar not . You are just like the other WS. No matter who you are in a relationship with you should now understand that making it work requires effort on both ends. You threw a bucket of cold water on your husband. He reacted like most BS. He wants to make it work. He really didn't get it until you did that. 
If you keep up what you are doing one of two things will likely happen. The affair will end badly or simply die and you will be hurt. At some point you will realize what you are losing and want to find happiness with your husband. He will be waiting and you will work on it. The second thing that is likely to happen is that your affair will end and your husband will not have waited for you. You can then freely see if there is any happiness for you with or without another person in your life. If you elect another relationship you will have to work on that too unless you just want ot hop from one relationship to another.
You have said you will give your marriage 6 months. Then commit to it 100%. A half hearted effort will lead to more pain for all of you, kids included.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I guess I would like to think he was after my witty charming side just wanting to have engaging conversations with me haha..yea right I know. Yes it is exciting..that is the allure for me I guess. I felt really sexy and attractive around him.


There are married men that have women friends, without wanting for ito go farther. I am a contractor and was working on a job where I met a woman I liked as a person. She had kids and I told her I would not visit her unless the kids were present not because I thought either one of us would be tempted but because I felt it would be inappropiate. I told my wife of the friendship and she wanted to meet this woman so I invited her and her children over for a bbq at which time my wife became friends with her to. After that I only had her over when my wife was home and her children came as well. So my point is married men can have women friends, not all men think with thier little head.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Flower

Listen to the advice from this site, many contributors are veterans at this and have seen this all before.

You are in an Emotional Affair, your husband will come second best, you will find fault with him and your marriage. You will even believe this to be the case and convince yourself that you are right. 

Please, please save yourself and your family. Leave your job, break off all contact with the OM, every word you say to him hampers your chance of recovery, every time you see him is another setback. Focus on stopping the Emotional Affair and then on your marriage. 

Below are some extracts I found that may help:

“Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, *women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters*. 
However, over time *many women will move from appreciation to justification.* In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behaviour. Many women will *become negative *and sarcastic when speaking *of their husbands and their marriages* and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

Unable to *end their extramarital relationships*, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.”

Please do release yourself from the OM.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> What does it mean if, when you really think about it, the thought of leaving makes me feel elated, and excited...to be free to be on my own without the stress of living in a broken down marriage? This has nothing to do with the OM-I just feel like I would be a better Mom and happier person, if I was free from all of this relationship stress. Trying to work through all of this is killing both of us a little more every day. But we are holding on....desperately hoping we can work through this mess.


Flower, until you end the affair, this is how you will feel. The affair itself is not completely dependent on the Other Man. He can easily be replaced with another. Instead, the affair is a thought process that you have entered. The goal is to leave your marriage. This is done by finding ways to justify this - magnifying the problems 'at home', magnifying the joy of 'freedom,' minimizing the good 'at home', minimizing the consequences of breaking a promise, minimizing the trouble with ending the marriage. There's a reason it's called 'fog' or 'dizziness.' When you are in the fog, with no sense of direction, you assume that you are heading north - when in reality you could be heading south. You assume that you are near the front door, when in reality you are crossing the yard in the opposite direction. If you are dizzy, you really have no idea what is up or down. Until the dizziness passes, until the fog lifts, you are lost. 

Regardless of the state of your marriage - good OR bad - while the affair is in swing, you have no way of determining the reality of the situation. 



> Is there really anything wrong with considering ME for once in my life? I have pushed my needs down for so long, I didn't realize what they were, or what I even wanted in my life, and let men abuse me and my spirit. I am now finally in a place where I am looking at all of this, and realizing that I need to take care of me. How is this selfish? I have stuck this out for a very long time-feeling miserable with my HB-but have stayed b/c I didn't think I had a choice. Now I know that I do, and I deserve to have a happy life, free of the things I no longer want in my life that are damaging to me and my kids.


A divorce is one of the most damaging things that can be done to a child. I've seen this over and over. The only situation where I've seen improvement is when the child is in danger. Otherwise, the consequences of the divorce are life-long and malignant. 

Your marriage is a teaching tool for your children. You have the option: do you teach your children how to overcome problems that seem insurmountable - or do you teach them to run away? Do you teach them that their word, or do you teach them that promises, vows and commitments given to others take second place to what they want 'right now'? Do you teach them that THEIR happiness is second to yours? Do they then pass that on to your grandkids?

A metaphor: marriage is a house with no decor, no paint, no carpeting, etc. At it's very base, the marriage is simply the structure of the building: foundation, floors, walls, and roof. 

That bare structure is your commitment - it is the vow you made. When you add love to this - you add color, decor, carpet. _*Love is the work you put into the marriage.*_ People are so confused nowadays - they think that the marriage should start with the color of the living room, the kind of bed in the bedroom. And here's the trouble with that: throughout the marriage, these wear out. Colors fade, things get torn, damaged. Unless the occupants of the house are willing to replace these things, the place gets to feel worse and worse. Not at all pleasant to be in. But instead of replacing, or repainting, of repairing, people are in 'throw away mode'. "Surely there's another bedroom that has the bed I like somewhere else in the world."

And you come to a time of decision: do you work at renewing the decor? Or do you get angry at the structure for lacking paint and begin destroying the walls, tearing out the floor?

Like any metaphor, that is extremely limited, don't carry it too far! 

But do keep this in mind: this house is your children's house. It is what they know, it is their _home_. Over the years, you and your husband have let things decay. Maybe him worse than you - maybe you worked harder at keeping the carpets cleaned. That is irrelevant. What is needed is for your house to be redecorated. And your husband is working on it. But he cannot do it alone - any more that you could in the past. It takes the two of you. 

So when you object to the claim you are being 'selfish' - keep in mind that the point of selfishness is that you are allowing your commitment to your pleasure be achieved at the expense of your children's home, at the expense of the work you and your husband put into your home. You want what you want NOW, and you are willing to damage others to get it.

Getting out of that metaphor, remember that one of the best things you can teach kids is how to overcome. When they come to a hurdle, they find a way to get over it. You claim:



> I deserve to have a happy life, free of the things I no longer want in my life that are damaging to me and my kids.


Not sure how anyone gets the idea they 'deserve' happiness. This is something that is NICE, not a necessity. But that aside, the things you claim are 'damaging' to your kids are the troubles that came up in your marriage. This happens to everyone, everywhere. There are no exceptions. Problems happen in life - part of being alive! If there are any 'rights' involved here at all, I'd say that your kids have the 'right' to learn how to overcome problems. They have the right to learn how to fix problems, how to create a life that brings happiness. You rob them of this ability when you begin to teach them that happiness is something they can chase after by running away from problems.

In reality, all that does is bring about new situations where happiness is still 'somewhere else' - and that they have to run away from that situation to get to an elusive phantasm (happiness that is not the result of working to achieve.) So you teach your kids that avoiding problems is the solution - that promises are meaningless, and that all they have to do is keep running toward that rainbow. 

Happiness is only found after you fix problems. It is an accomplishment, not an environment.


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## jackwhyte (Jul 16, 2010)

He agreed he will back off, and said he doesn't want to see me lose my marriage-and wants me to be happy. 

Flower,

Of course he said that, if you leave he won't be able to have his distraction around and then he will have to deal with what seems like an unhappy marriage on his end. I only say this as I have been in an EA in the past with a coworker from my company and the OW told me the exact same thing only to continue to try and pursue me, slowly at first with small things, a nice gesture, a smile, or a quick chat, as a way of making me feel comfortable at work and then more intensely with phone calls, texts, etc.. It was her hold me down, to keep me in a relationship with her. It wasn't until I got my crap together and left my job that I was truly able to see the light, to see that she was manipulating me, this was not a good feeling and one I wouldn't want you to have to come to. I can promise you that he will try to bring you back down with him as long as you have any connection with him whether that is seeing him once a week or once a month. Now that I can see clearly, I see that every time I choose to go to work I chose the EA over my wife and three boys. I feel sick about it now - please don't do that to yourself. 

It took me some time to let my wife back in, to really see her for who she was to me. I really was not able to do this until I had closed the door on the EA 100%. This means you have to remove yourself from the situation and commit 100% to you HB. Everyone on here has told you the same thing but yet you seem to refuse to listen. I was the same and I almost lost everything, almost.

My wife was shattered by the whole thing and left for a while to live with her mother as she was totally heartbroken and angry. Once I really told her how sorry I was and that I wanted to try 100% with her it was the beginning of a long trail back to where we are today. I can only tell you finding love from someone who sees past your flaws and mistakes and embraces you for who you are is a rarity om this world - take that advice from someone who has been in your shoes.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

If I do leave my job..I am afraid. I will not find another that pays me this well unless I go back to school or something. This will cause us to lose a great deal of income. My HB says we will find a way, but also has not asked me to leave my job. He does get very tied up when I have to leave for work b/c he doesn't like me around him. I suppose I do feel I have a handle on this and I can move passed it-but as all of you say, it seems like he IS manipulating me-he did make little comments, and gestures that were getting me reeled back in. He said he thinks it is ridiculous that we aren't to talk to eachother as friends, and that my HB is being immature. He begged me not to quit my job, and promised me he would back off...can I trust that he will eventually do that?


So, all of you are saying that it is typical for a WS to be feeling the way I am, about leaving and starting over? I am really struggling with this-and what if I do quit my job, and my feelings don't change? I am really afraid to do that. I was very depressed and unhappy in my life as a stay at home mom for 5 years, and even before that worked jobs I hated for min. wage. Getting this job was such am accomplishment for me (I work for the City) I had to go through several interviews to get hired,and felt so good that i got the job. I work in a really nice facility, and have wonderful co-workers and lots of people I enjoy seeing everyday-it is such a good job! It doesn't feel cut-and -dry to me...maybe it is and I am just not ready to see it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> So, all of you are saying that it is typical for a WS to be feeling the way I am, about leaving and starting over? I am really struggling with this-and what if I do quit my job, and my feelings don't change? I am really afraid to do that.


From my experience, this IS typical - and I've seen it overcome on many occasions. It is frightening and sad and painful - but that is the case often with recovering from _any_ serious problem. 

As for worrying that the feelings won't change:

They do over time.

1) If you remain passive and wait for things to happen, it's possible that it will take years to get over. But you can proactively introduce replacement thoughts that become habits over a much quicker time, if you work at it.

2) The biggest problem is that the thoughts will NOT fade as long as you remain in contact. Instead, it is like keeping a fire going by adding small bits of kindling. You have to quit fueling the fire for it to go out. 

It could smolder for a while, but without fuel, it will eventually die.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Didn't your feelings fade when you took that time off? It wouldn't have taken much longer to extinguish the feelings. Plus you now have an excellent resource to aid in your recovery. You will need to get your husband up to speed with love recovery practices. You will go through withdrawal that will be difficult for your husband. If you follow the plan you may well have one of the special marriages that people wish for. One that was strengthened by the fire. That will certainly make you very happy.


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## jackwhyte (Jul 16, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> If I do leave my job..I am afraid. I will not find another that pays me this well unless I go back to school or something. This will cause us to lose a great deal of income. My HB says we will find a way, but also has not asked me to leave my job. He does get very tied up when I have to leave for work b/c he doesn't like me around him. I suppose I do feel I have a handle on this and I can move passed it-but as all of you say, it seems like he IS manipulating me-he did make little comments, and gestures that were getting me reeled back in. He said he thinks it is ridiculous that we aren't to talk to eachother as friends, and that my HB is being immature. He begged me not to quit my job, and promised me he would back off...can I trust that he will eventually do that?
> 
> 
> So, all of you are saying that it is typical for a WS to be feeling the way I am, about leaving and starting over? I am really struggling with this-and what if I do quit my job, and my feelings don't change? I am really afraid to do that. I was very depressed and unhappy in my life as a stay at home mom for 5 years, and even before that worked jobs I hated for min. wage. Getting this job was such am accomplishment for me (I work for the City) I had to go through several interviews to get hired,and felt so good that i got the job. I work in a really nice facility, and have wonderful co-workers and lots of people I enjoy seeing everyday-it is such a good job! It doesn't feel cut-and -dry to me...maybe it is and I am just not ready to see it.


KG77- I felt the same way about my wife, there was a time when I actually thought I hated her. Even though I had an EA we obviously had a poor marriage before that. However, once we both committed to changing and trying to be good people and caring about one another we found the love we had for each other. It took time, but it was well worth it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Is there really anything wrong with considering ME for once in my life? I have pushed my needs down for so long, I didn't realize what they were, or what I even wanted in my life, and let men abuse me and my spirit. I am now finally in a place where I am looking at all of this, and realizing that I need to take care of me. How is this selfish? I have stuck this out for a very long time-feeling miserable with my HB-but have stayed b/c I didn't think I had a choice. Now I know that I do, and I deserve to have a happy life, free of the things I no longer want in my life that are damaging to me and my kids.


 What damaging things would those be?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Getting this job was such am accomplishment for me (I work for the City) I had to go through several interviews to get hired,and felt so good that i got the job. I work in a really nice facility, and have wonderful co-workers and lots of people I enjoy seeing everyday-it is such a good job! It doesn't feel cut-and -dry to me...maybe it is and I am just not ready to see it.


If you work for the city, you should be able to apply for a transfer and maintain your salary.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Did you know that it's the weekend? Did you know that I am taking my time off to think of you and help you see some of the flaws in your thinking? Did you know that if I were to consider ME for once in my life, that right now I'd happily be playing World of Warcraft with the man who loved me enough to wait until I got out of MY fog and came back to him? How about the other people on this thread who care about you and are asking...really strongly requesting...that you seriously consider what you are doing because you are heading toward disaster? They could be out golfing or fishing...enjoying their day with a buddy...or playing with their kids! Instead here we are, not thinking of ourselves. 



> I really thought I would be ok working with him, and I thought we were doing a good job of keeping things 'professional'. We have talked-yes I know, I know, that is a huge mistake. Mosty about how I a working on my marriage, and that what we have been doing must stop. He agreed he will back off, and said he doesn't want to see me lose my marriage-and wants me to be happy. But I am trying to work through this in my own way-without crossing any lines of course. I realize too, am am in effect still tied to him in some way-but am trying to move on.


Please note that the OM does not agree to completely NO CONTACT but that he will "back off." "Back off" does not mean he acknowledges you are another man's wife and he has no business pursuing you--it means that the pursuit will be slower and more imperceptible. Also note that the OM does not encourage you to do the right thing and return to your marriage, as a true friend would. He "wants you to be happy" ... and you are much happier with him, right? You are unhappy with your husband, right? Being happy is a higher priority than being faithful, being honest, being loyal, being honorable, being upright, being devoted, being conscientious, being dutiful, being sincere, being steadfast, being true or being trustworthy. 

Do you SEE how slippery this slope is? How the words sort of sound good but in reality they are sneaky and a bit devious, always aiming at tearing the marriage down? 



> I am finding myself thinking of him (even though I know he is not my type!) Why is this? I am attracted to him-BUT, he would not be someone I would pick out of a crowd to date even if I was single. I could see us having a lot of fun, but that is it...so I know this whole thing has just been about us trying to hold on to what feels good, while we are trying to cope with a failed marriage.


You are thinking of him because he is your addiction. You are addicted to what I call the "affair zing" but here is an article about the chemistry of it: The Chemistry of Love In simple terms, that feeling you get when you're infatuated is a natural amphetamine being released in your brain. This in turn releases dopamine which is associated with pleasure. This stimulates the production of oxytocin "the cuddle chemical" and another euphoria-inducing chemical in your brain, norepinephrine, stimulates the production of adrenaline. So you, flower, literally think of him and get that little thrill because you are addicted. When you stay away from the OP and have No Contact, like we suggest, you are like an addict going cold turkey. It hurts, you feel sad, and you think about it ALL THE TIME!!! And like an addict, you have to stop yourself from the temptation of getting more for a while in order to get over it. And like an addict, if you are part way through your cold turkey--AS YOU WERE--and then you suddenly get more...you return right to the addiction. 



> I am going to see a councellor by myself next week to work on my issues, and we will continue to see out MC together.


And if you really want to recover, you need to see if your counselor, and marriage counselor have expertise in affairs, and you need to be honest with BOTH and tell them the truth: that you have returned to the affair and you are struggling because of it. To do anything less is being dishonest with your counselors, with your husband, and with those who are trying to help you. They can not help you if they don't know the truth. 



> What does it mean if, when you really think about it, the thought of leaving makes me feel elated, and excited...to be free to be on my own without the stress of living in a broken down marriage? This has nothing to do with the OM-I just feel like I would be a better Mom and happier person, if I was free from all of this relationship stress. Trying to work through all of this is killing both of us a little more every day. But we are holding on....desperately hoping we can work through this mess.


Well partly you can see above the rush of chemicals that would create that feeling of elation...but this is also about 99% Disloyal Dizzy Fog Talk too. For example, let's assume you leave your "broken down marriage" and have no male companionship whatsoever for two years. That means that you have no one else there to meet any of your needs or kindle any love. You'd have no one at home to be supportive, no appreciation, no admiration, you wouldn't be valued by someone, you wouldn't be accepted for who you are, you wouldn't be deeply known and understood, no one would be there to forgive you, and no one would be there to give you affection. No one would be there to support your spiritual life or beliefs, no one would share in your spiritual life, no one would even assist you in getting to church or shul if you want! No one would carry on your holiday traditions together. No one would be there to touch you, hug you, kiss you, cuddle with you, play footsie in bed, snuggle behind you. No one would be tender toward you; you would be celibate and have no moral way of expressing sexuality; and no one would notice when you have a great hair day or lose weight and look great! No one would provide for you financially or be there to help you provide for the children (that WHOLE WEIGHT would be on you even if you do get some child support); no one would be there to help you pay the bills including just sitting down and paying them! No one would support you in the manner to which you've become accustomed, and you and your children WOULD take a financial hit. Most likely you'd lose your home and the kids would have to leave their bedrooms and their neighborhood to move to a place they are not familiar with. There would be no one to help you pay off accumulated debt, no one to help you plan for a stable financial future, no one to help with the kids' college, and no one to help you budget or hold you accountable to living in the budget--so if you make a financial mistake--you are the only one to pay for it. No one would be there for "adult time" with just you, you'd lose half of your time with your kids because your husband is just as much their parent as you are, so half the nights of the year you could not tuck in your own children. You would not be able to spend every birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas morning with your kids every year. You would have no one to share household chores with--so all the laundry, dishes, lawn mowing and car repair is on you now. No one would help you with raising the kids or disciplining them, and you would never, ever, EVER have "a day off" because now you have no one there to take it for you for a day. There would be no one including you in their social calendar, no one encouraging you or supporting you in your social activities, no one sharing enjoyable activities with you, no one to just tell a quick joke or laugh with, no one to spend free time with, no one to just be your companion and sit and talk to, and no one to be interested in listening to you or hear about your day. There would be no one to support you in a time of crisis. No one to stand by you and support you emotionally. 

Would it really make you happier to live like that? Would you really be a better mom if you put your kids through that? Would you be a better parent if you weren't even WITH them half the time? 

NOW can you see how unrealistically you are thinking about this? You are thinking: "Ooooo I won't have to deal with my husband and his issues anymore--but we can be friends, and I'll get his money- and the kids and I can stay in the house- and it will be like he just disappears." That just is NOT real, flower! Can you see that?



> Is there really anything wrong with considering ME for once in my life? I have pushed my needs down for so long, I didn't realize what they were, or what I even wanted in my life, and let men abuse me and my spirit. I am now finally in a place where I am looking at all of this, and realizing that I need to take care of me. How is this selfish? I have stuck this out for a very long time-feeling miserable with my HB-but have stayed b/c I didn't think I had a choice. Now I know that I do, and I deserve to have a happy life, free of the things I no longer want in my life that are damaging to me and my kids.


Well, you tell me. If you "consider YOU for once in your life" you would do it at the expense of half the time with your kids, not being with them on Christmas, a lot of the finances you claim are so precious right now...and you would harm the lives of not only you and your husband AND YOUR CHILDREN, but also your brothers and sisters (they'd lose a brother/in-law and time with the kids); your mother and father (they'd lose time with their grandchildren); his brothers and sisters and his mother and father; many of your friends; some of your neighbors...the area of effect is HUGE. And why was all this damage done again? Oh yeah, because you "considered YOU for once in your life." 

No considering you is not the issue really. You can absolutely consider you within the covenant of your marriage. You can absolutely learn how to tell your hubby "this is not okay with me" and "when you...I think...I feel...so I'm going to ask...." But what you want to do is think of yourself ahead of all those people I mentioned above and go *outside your marriage* for your "happiness." That is the issue in the end. Realizing what your needs are, realizing what you want in life, looking at those things and taking care of you is not selfish--and ALL of that can be done in your marriage. So the issue is not "thinking of you"--the issue is that you are justifying going outside your marriage and breaking your commitment to do so. You are looking for a way to absolve you and excuse you for being unfaithful, and frankly this is no absolution. Do you truly want to "think of you"? Then learn how to do so in a healthy way IN YOUR MARRIAGE. 



> If I do leave my job..I am afraid. I will not find another that pays me this well unless I go back to school or something. This will cause us to lose a great deal of income. My HB says we will find a way, but also has not asked me to leave my job. He does get very tied up when I have to leave for work b/c he doesn't like me around him. I suppose I do feel I have a handle on this and I can move passed it-but as all of you say, it seems like he IS manipulating me-he did make little comments, and gestures that were getting me reeled back in. He said he thinks it is ridiculous that we aren't to talk to eachother as friends, and that my HB is being immature. He begged me not to quit my job, and promised me he would back off...can I trust that he will eventually do that?


I can understand that you are afraid to leave this job. This is probably the most soul-baringly honest thing you've said! But note that your husband says "WE will find a way" and thinks of the two of you as a team. And here's the fact: if you were to lose your job due to being fired, your marriage could survive that! I'm not saying it's easy living on one salary--but families survived the Great Depression and they can survive loss of one income. So that's not really the reason you won't quit. If you leave you are afraid you will have no "back up plan". You will have to actually jump into your marriage 100% with both feet and there will be no other person to turn to! You are afraid to really, REALLY try at this because you're afraid it may not work. 

Okay THAT is understandable! But at least that's honest. 

Also please note the OM: "...he IS manipulating me-he did make little comments, and gestures that were *getting me reeled back in.* He said he thinks it is ridiculous that we aren't to talk to each other as friends, and that my HB is being immature. *He begged me not to quit my job,* and promised me he would back off...can I trust that he will eventually do that?" So it hasn't even been one week and the OM is doing actions to reel you back in. It hasn't even been a week and rather than telling you to stop messing around and go back to your marriage (like a true friend would) the OM is calling your husband ridiculous and immature. So the OM is BADTALKING about your husband and you aren't standing up for the man to whom 100% of your affection and loyalty is due!! Finally the OM is begging you to continue your drug and not quit the job. Why? SO HE CAN CONTINUE THE AFFAIR!!!!

Oh seriously, flower, can you not see this? He is already making moves to pick up right where you left off! RUN!!



> So, all of you are saying that it is typical for a WS to be feeling the way I am, about leaving and starting over? I am really struggling with this-and what if I do quit my job, and my feelings don't change? I am really afraid to do that. I was very depressed and unhappy in my life as a stay at home mom for 5 years, and even before that worked jobs I hated for min. wage. Getting this job was such am accomplishment for me (I work for the City) I had to go through several interviews to get hired,and felt so good that i got the job. I work in a really nice facility, and have wonderful co-workers and lots of people I enjoy seeing everyday-it is such a good job! It doesn't feel cut-and -dry to me...maybe it is and I am just not ready to see it.


It is very typical for a DS to feel like this. Furthermore if you were to quit your job there is about a 100% likelihood you would feel very sad and depressed again (for a while). Why? Because you would be going cold turkey from your addiction! Your addiction is chemicals that make you feel elated--and without those chemicals you would feel ... how? Yep, sad and depressed...for a while. It is temporary and would probably go away if you didn't dwell on it and refuse to let it go. If you DID let it go, your feelings are up to you, Flower...you choose. Your husband does not "make" you happy. Yes he can do things to contribute to the likelihood you'll choose happiness and yes he can do things that would lean toward you choosing unhappy (or hurt). But in the end YOU CHOOSE. So you can create happiness and love in your marriage...but you'd have to let go of the other man completely and devote 100% off your affection and loyalty to your husband ONLY. 

Regarding your job I seriously do get it. I worked at the BLM in the accounting area for a while, and I LOVED that job. It was steady, dependable, in an area of town I loved, near where I lived, and the pay was very good! I enjoyed what I did and the people I did it with. But let me ask you this. Twenty years from now do you envision yourself working at your job? Do you see yourself at 45 or 50 working at that job? If not, then chances are you would have moved up or quit or something right? So move up or quit or something....NOW. See if you can transfer within the City. We are not asking you to go back home and never work. We are not asking you to work at a job you hate or with people you hate. We are asking you to realize that this particular job is not the job you'll be working at when you are on your deathbed--BUT YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE THE MAN THERE AT YOUR DEATHBED! He will have been with you through sickness and health, for better for worse all those years.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Didn't your feelings fade when you took that time off? It wouldn't have taken much longer to extinguish the feelings. Plus you now have an excellent resource to aid in your recovery. You will need to get your husband up to speed with love recovery practices. You will go through withdrawal that will be difficult for your husband. If you follow the plan you may well have one of the special marriages that people wish for. One that was strengthened by the fire. That will certainly make you very happy.


We just had a discussion about this lastnight, how we have the potential to have the best marriage out of all the people that we know..one that I have always wanted. Sounds like a pipe-dream right now though, but I can see the possibility.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> What damaging things would those be?


Living with someone that had dampened my spirit, and made me feel like I am less than him. Basically what I have explained about our marriage up to the 'cold bucket of water' on his head (the EA) Our MG was very unhealthy and it affected me and my kids..my 12 YO son always asked why we are together b/c all we do is fight, and he saw how unkind my HB was to me all the time. He also was not nice to my son (from a previous relationship) for many years, and treated him very poorly.He is now trying to rebuild his relationship with him as well. There is just so much to overcome...it feels like too much sometimes.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> If you work for the city, you should be able to apply for a transfer and maintain your salary.


My position is different, I am on contract not with the Union as all other City employees are. Our position is done on a yearly contract and to get a transfer if not in the Union is next to impossible....in my line of work anyways.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Wow AC I just finished reading your post...you are an amazing woman, and I appreciate all the time you spent on your weekend typing your words of wisdom. I am leaning towards quitting my job-by I am scared as hell to do it!! I get anxious just thinking about it. You are right, if my MG stands a chance, I will have to walk away from my job. What you wrote about the realities of living alone struck a cord, and those are the reasons I have stayed through all of this. My HB says this is our one shot to have this family-kids/parents in one home-but this time he 'gets it' and knows how much of a idiot he has been all these years. He now says he just wants his wife back...I used to feel he didn't even like or appreciate me. He is the only guy I know that has a stack of self help books on his night table LOL. And this is something I NEVER thought he would ever do...he used to make fun of me b/c I read so much self help, now we read and share our thoughts about what we are reading-and we talk all the time as we never have in our life together.
What a mess our life has become! Why couldn't he change sooner???


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

OK...I am going to resign. I think rather than try and get him on my side to work this out discretely is not in my best interest. I will still be seeing the OM on occasion, even if we don't work together, we will see eachother during staff functions/meetings/training etc...it will be awkward and uncomfortable.

So, i am to work tonight, and am trying to get my shift covered. I don't want to burn any bridges with the City and my boss in case I cross paths with them in the future for a job..you never know and it is a small town!

How do I handle this when proper courtesy is to give 2 weeks notice to a workplace? Is it proper etiquette to send a letter through email? Or do I have to go down and see him in person? What reason do I give for an abrupt resignation?

HELP!! I have to handle this now before I change my mind!!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"How do I handle this when proper courtesy is to give 2 weeks notice to a workplace? Is it proper etiquette to send a letter through email? Or do I have to go down and see him in person? What reason do I give for an abrupt resignation?"

Sit down with your Boss and say something along these lines:

This is very difficult me, I love my job, I love working with the company, I respect my work colleagues. I am however in a difficult position that something of a personal nature has occurred , I cannot tell you what it is but I need to leave now to be with my family. The matter is so serious that it effects the future well being of my family. I would appreciate it if you would give me some leeway on this.

Flower: Bosses are not daft and I have no doubt they will have noticed a something between you and the OM. They may ask 
you directly what is happening and you may have no choice but to elaborate. You do not have to give personal information but my gut feeling is they will know what has happened. This type of resignation is not an uncommon thing 

You can always ask if they can keep an opening elsewhere or arrange for a position that does not have the interaction with the OM. This will mean more information being disclosed.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I have an appt. to meet with my supervisor this afternoon. My best friend, who has been supportive through this whole thing, has encouraged me to take the 'stand up for myself' route instead of just running away without being heard. She is coming with me to the meeting for support which will be helpful. I do not want to be the victim of someones 'abuse'. The bottom line is, I HAVE asked him to leave me alone, and only engage me if it is work related banter, and I do not want to discuss my personal life etc.I try to avoid him as much as I can, but he keeps cornering me and getting me roped into conversations before I even know what hit me. If he would just leave me alone, and truly respect me-I think I could work with him and keep that distance. I am not sure what will come of this meeting-maybe I will be fired, but at least I will know I tried to do what is right. For all I know he could carry his advances onto another female at work, and our boss has a right to know what is going on in his workplace. Am I on the right track now?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

This one is your call.

Make sure your facts are correct. You or the OM or both could be going, you have written what I had in the back of my mind though I do not think you have hard evidence it will be peoples viewpoints (this will be from the bosses perspective)

What I do know is you cannot have contact with him , your marriage comes first and foremost. Best of luck


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

I think you need to be careful. Exposing this guy without real proof (not your friend who has been supportive) leaves you in a bad spot. First, you make allegations that may not be proved so the guy is innocent and YOU look guilty.

Second, telling your boss why you are leaving sets you up for a possible issue with references:

Potential Employer: Why did flowergirl leave her job?

Your Boss: She was having romantic issues with another employee.

Potential Employer: Thanks but no thanks.

You have to think of your career because sooner or later, this guy will be gone and it will only be you putting your carer back on track.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Being in the Bosses shoes I can say that when push comes to shove the majority of friends do not say what is needed when the chips are down. 

You can choose the route you have given but at the end of the day it is your choice , it will be difficult, it may not work out as expected. Simple rule is to keep professional with these things, you may choose to divulge his behaviors but you do not want to be drawn into an HR battle unless you have written evidence. 

Keep on track, love your H and marriage first and foremost.

I think you are starting to feel the pain and fallout of the EM , be strong and continue to post ...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> I have an appt. to meet with my supervisor this afternoon. My best friend, who has been supportive through this whole thing, has encouraged me to take the 'stand up for myself' route instead of just running away without being heard. She is coming with me to the meeting for support which will be helpful. I do not want to be the victim of someones 'abuse'. The bottom line is, I HAVE asked him to leave me alone, and only engage me if it is work related banter, and I do not want to discuss my personal life etc.I try to avoid him as much as I can, but he keeps cornering me and getting me roped into conversations before I even know what hit me. If he would just leave me alone, and truly respect me-I think I could work with him and keep that distance. I am not sure what will come of this meeting-maybe I will be fired, but at least I will know I tried to do what is right. For all I know he could carry his advances onto another female at work, and our boss has a right to know what is going on in his workplace. Am I on the right track now?


Flower~

Remember we are not asking you to work at a job you hate with people you hate, so this is kind of in the right direction. If you go to your boss with the attitude: "I am not guiltless in this but I've come around and now want to do the right thing...can you help me?" I think it would be better than: "He has abused me" and trying to get him fired. In this instance take some personal responsibility, be honest, and let the boss know you love the job and want to stay, but request assistance TO stay! It's reasonable/conceivable that you could be scheduled opposite hours--BA DA BING problem solved. 

If you claim "he abused me" then he gets called in, claims YOU pursued HIM, it becomes he said/she said, and you both get fired with a bad reference (not to mention that you also participated so it's not like he stalked you or forced you). I'm concerned to hear you say: _"I try to avoid him as much as I can, but he keeps cornering me and getting me roped into conversations before I even know what hit me. "_ I don't honestly think you can work with this individual anymore, Flower. He's made it very clear he has NO INTENTION to leave you alone or respect your request. In addition, he's made it clear he does intend to bad-mouth your husband and actively try to break up your marriage. 

Thus, I suggest taking personal responsibility, asking for help to stay, and if that's not forthcoming, respectfully resign.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Flower~
> 
> Remember we are not asking you to work at a job you hate with people you hate, so this is kind of in the right direction. If you go to your boss with the attitude: "I am not guiltless in this but I've come around and now want to do the right thing...can you help me?" I think it would be better than: "He has abused me" and trying to get him fired. In this instance take some personal responsibility, be honest, and let the boss know you love the job and want to stay, but request assistance TO stay! It's reasonable/conceivable that you could be scheduled opposite hours--BA DA BING problem solved.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the guidance...I agree, I want to take this approach. I am not out to start a sexual harassment lawsuit or anything of that nature. I do not want this to get ugly-and I will handle this in the most tactful professional way I can, and let the chips fall where they may. If I come from a place of trying to do the right thing-I can feel good within myself. And I do take full responsibility for my part in this. I will let you all know how the meeting goes when i have time to post next. THANK YOU!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I am very impressed. Good luck!


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

I'm so happy to hear that you are going to give your marriage the chance it deserves! Good luck to you.


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## jackwhyte (Jul 16, 2010)

A step in the right direction, good for you!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

So I met with my boss-and he handled it very well. Said that ours is a place of business and he does not tolerate any mistreatment or misconduct of his employees. He did say he wished I had come to him sooner-but I left out that I was actually a willing participant for a lot of this. I did say I am not blameless, but I have on many occasions asked him to stop. I also confided to my boss that my leave was largely in part b/c of what was going on at work, and b/c he wouldn't stop.

Anyhow-now I need to think back 7 months or so and type up a timeline of things that were said that made me uncomfortable, the attempts I have made to get him to stop up to this point. The he brings HIM into the office and discusses what I have disclosed to hear his side. He also said he is obligated to inform HR, and that he has never dealt with anything like this..he has been doing this a very long time, so I was surprised to hear that! So this could get kind of sticky, but he assured me that once I disclose my side of things, what happens from there is not my problem. I told him I don't want to get HIM into any trouble-but he said he takes this very seriously and assured it will be dealt with.

I have been relieved of my night shifts with HIM and have been offered alternative shifts away from HIM...I did not expect this, so I didn't have to give up my job after all!!Yeah!

I am dreading putting this timeline of events together as it as all a little foggy-where do I start?

I must admit I am relived that I dealt with this once and for all...but I still feel sad
I feel I have betrayed HIM in a way going behind his back...but it is over now.

Notice how I am saying HIM rather than the OM?
He is no longer the other man b/c I will no longer be in a relationship with him. Bittersweet. Now I just need to get through my depressed mood and move on.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Basically you threw OM under the bus...wow, way to go..you feel jilted by him, it's between the lines.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Couldn't disagree more!!!!! I mean I really could not be less in agreement with that assessment!!!! * 

At any time the OM could have stopped the affair even before Flower did and done the right thing by his own marriage. 

At any time he also could have encouraged her to return to her own marriage and repair it. 

At any time he also could have stopped bad-mouthing her husband. 

At any time he also could have honored her requests to stay away from her. 

At any time he also could have honored her requests for business contact only. 

He made none of those choices, did NONE of those things, and was making it impossible for her to conduct work at a place of business while also trying to do the right thing! 

Am I saying flower was faultless here? NO. There was a time when she was joining in, and I personally encourage her to tell it to her boss EXACTLY as it was. Don't make the OM out to be the lone bad guy here. But she has been trying to get away from him since her leave of absence, and he is not allowing her to be faithfully married and work in her place of business, either. I would call that unwanted advances. 

Again, Flower, I say be honest, be personally responsible for what you did, and good job going to talk to your boss about it.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I raise my glass to you Flower. I know this will work. You are strong and an inspiration. Take pride in what you have done. And it is working out. It was the right thing to do. Congratulations. Have your husband give you a big hug form all of us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only thing I would say is that you'd better be a little more honest with your boss, because OM is going to go in there and give your boss DETAILS about your involvement - then you will look worse than him because you actively lied to your boss.


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

I am so proud of you...


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Yes, I did say several times to my boss that I am not without fault, we did get into inappropriate conversations that I took part in BUT I have asked him to stop trying to engage me unless it is about work several times and he doesn't get it and keeps it up..then there is me high on my 'chemicals' who has a hard time seeing straight! Not good...when I type up the details for my boss I will make that clear in my writings too.But from my standpoint I have said STOP many times. took time away from work, and still it has not been respected, and he didn't get the message.

Believe me I have been obsessing over all my wrong actions/behaviors wondering if I had a right to go to my boss, if I did the right thing because I was partly responsible for letting this go on as it did. It really is a bit embarassing to disclose this relationship like this. I am feeling really depressed, and down and I am not sure why...I also feel bad that I had to 'throw him under the bus' that is how it feels. He isn't even going to know what hit him when my boss calls him in the office- he has no idea I was even thinking of going that route. Although I DID say last time we were working together that if he can't keep our relationship professional I may have to quit my job...is that not a clear message?!? Did I do the right thing?
I was going to just quit, walk away and disappear-but then I am the victim in all of this and he gets away with his misconduct, and I lose my job? It doesn't seem right. 

Why do I feel so bad, and sad then? I do feel sad that now it is final, I will never talk to or see him again. It is final and done. But I still know it was wrong on so many levels! I feel so messed up right now.


He asked for a timeline of events, what was said that was inappropriate, how I responded etc..I don't remember this all in great detail-and some of it I went along with. I never said outright things as he did though: "your hot", "want to go to a hotel", asking personal questions about my HB and our marriage. I went along with some of the conversations-BUT i never initiated them or pursued him in any way that was inappropriate or sexual, and never said outright sexual things or made suggestions about a hotel. And he certainly never asked me to leave him a lone b/c he is trying to work on his MG and what we have been doing is not appropriate-and I wouldn't have kept making advances after such a request either if he did ask me to stop.It was becoming an impossible situation b/c he wouldn't leave me alone as I asked. But I kept getting drawn into conversation with him. So I didn't make it clear enough I guess. 

Do I disclose the details of our conversations and my part or just what he said or did that was not respecting my wishes after the LOA from work? Do I write from the very beginning 7 months ago when his advances were more like sexual harassment?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I have to get on this today so I can stop obsessing over it .


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Flower 

Take your time. 

I am surprise that this is being taken further with HR, do this in a methodical way, do not be pressed to deliver anything within a timeframe you are not happy to complete this in. If asked use the rational that you have been trying to forget the unpleasantness. 

Write the detail as it flows from your mind, do not worry about a structure yet, any way if HR are involved they should provide you with some guidelines. I am inclined to think if your Boss has involved HR then wait for a second meeting with HR and ask them directly for a processes

It may better if when you have completed compiling the information and before you hand anything over to anyone you need assurances that you are not opening yourself to any action by either the company or HIM.

Your primary focus is to work on your marriage, you did the right thing


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just do a timeline and leave out the details. They can come back to haunt you.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Flower, I have been mulling about this.

Where possible try to avoid this going any further, reading your previous posts it appears you and him are contractors and if so there are clauses within most contracts that allow the company to make decisions to shut this down internally without any further involvement from you or the requirement for you to give anything in writing. 

You gave them a verbal reason why you wanted to leave and/or a new position elsewhere. Try getting them to leave it at that. 

If you do wish to provide something then as said in a previous post stick to a schedule, not sure what they will do with this without detail. You do not want to be the one to put the detail in writing unless you are protected plus it will cause you personal pain.

You have put into motion the processes to stop the EMA now focus of your marriage…


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Have your close friend review it or post it here for comment before you submit it. Does your husband know what is going on now?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Have your close friend review it or post it here for comment before you submit it. Does your husband know what is going on now?



I am trying to send the message to my boss that I don;t want this to get ugly-I only went to him to get advice and do not want anybody to get into trouble over this.

Yes my HB is well aware of every gory detail, he is the one who encouraged me to go this route rather than just quitting.
I need more guidance on exactly what to disclose then once I have it I will post it here for review, my HB is going to help me put it together.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Keep a clear head , don't rush , write the items down in a way that makes sense to you.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Ok..here is what i have come up with. Please send me your thoughts before I send it to my boss. Please note: I have left names out as this is a pubic forum!Thanks everyone 


As discussed in your office on July 19, 2010 I have been having difficulties with my coworker for some time now. It goes back to the Winter of 2009 and has continued until the present time. These events are not in perfect order of occurrence as I had to recall this from quite a while back. 

It began with comments here and there such as “you are hot” or asking me to go out with him outside of work. A couple of times he asked me to go to a hotel with him walking out to our vehicles after our shift (part of me thought he was kind of joking so I laughed it off, but it made me feel uncomfortable) I was asked on another occasion, to come to his home for the weekend, to which I replied “there is no way I would ever do that.”
Sometimes he would be too ‘touchy’ with his hands but I overlooked this as some people are like that (but it did make me feel uncomfortable)
I talked with my husband about this and he advised me to talk to him. I did try to send him the message that what he has been saying, and doing are not ok with me or my husband and it has to stop, that my husband would not like another man hugging or hitting on his wife.

He did stop the physical touching, but subtle other advances carried on.

At one point, he and I did become close in the way that we would share personal information with each other, and had friendly conversations at various places in the building during our shifts, about our families and marriages that eventually became too personal and inappropriate in nature from my perspective. I would feel uncomfortable at times with his questions about my marriage, and other things that would come up in the conversation that were very personal. When I realized that my boundaries were being crossed, and what was happening was very inappropriate, I tried again to put a stop to it, and told him on several occasions we can not have personal conversations anymore that are not work related. I also sent him an email stating that I have come to realize there is more that just ‘friendly’ conversation going on between us and it has to stop, and he replied in agreement he would stop. He seemed to understand, but it did continue.

I had asked him several times up to this point, to respect me and listen to my wishes and that he stop trying to engage me in any personal conversations, or talk to me about anything sexual in nature.Because i could see this was no longer a simple matter, I decided to take time off work to remove myself from the situation.

June 7 2010 
Took a leave of absence for 7 weeks due in part to some personal reasons, but in large part b/c I couldn’t deal with what the situation had become at work. I felt it had gotten out of hand, and did not know how to handle it anymore. 

July 12 2010 
I returned to work, and had what I intended to be a last conversation, with him and told him once again, very clearly, I am not interested in continuing the personal relationship we have developed, and did not want to talk about anything other that work related topics.
He continued to try and engage me in personal dialogue, asking about my marriage, and how I am doing etc. We had a short conversation at another point during the shift, but nothing too inappropriate was discussed.

July16 2010
I tried to avoid him as much as I could, and at one point told him when he came up to me, that I do not want to talk to him. He told me I was being unrealistic that we can not have friendly chit chats as we work together. I told him as long as there is nothing personal or of a sexual nature discussed I am fine with that. I also said that if he can’t respect my wishes, I may have to leave my job. He told me he would stop, and seemed to be in agreement to my request.
He did try to engage me in other personal conversations again throughout the shift, and I tried to dodge these conversations. At one point during the night, he told me I am sexy, and that he likes me as I am a cool person. He joked at another point that he had a hotel room booked for us (but said it in a joking manner) I laughed it off, but realized by the end of my shift, that he must not have got my message(s) and came to the realization I may have to leave my job in order to remove myself from this situation all together. With encouragement from my husband and close friends, I went to my Supervisor to ask for advice rather than quitting, as I love my job and did not want to leave. I regret I did not disclose this sooner, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized things were getting out of control, and I could no longer work with this person, as my repeated requests for him to stop were not listened to.

What do you think? I have to send this in soon, as my boss said he can't move forward with this until I give him this documentation.
Affaircare...where have you been?? I need your advice!!! I can't believe I am doing this!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds pretty good to me. I still think you underplayed your part and it's going to bite you when they bring OM in, but you did admit to carrying on, so good enough.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey Flower, I'm here! 

Just so you know, I did have other engagements today and yesterday so I've been swamped, but here is my thought. If you remember, when I spoke to you I told you to be honest and take personal responsibility. After all, less than a few days ago you were on the verge of leaving your husband and destroying your family so you could "be happy" with this man! So at least this is my opinion--you are making it sound like this was unwanted sexual advances that you have consistently resisted since Nov. or Dec. last year and now you finally can not take it. 

This part in particular is probably not going to "cut it" :



> It began with comments here and there such as “you are hot” or asking me to go out with him outside of work. A couple of times he asked me to go to a hotel with him walking out to our vehicles after our shift (part of me thought he was kind of joking so I laughed it off, but it made me feel uncomfortable) I was asked on another occasion, to come to his home for the weekend, to which I replied “there is no way I would ever do that.”
> Sometimes he would be too ‘touchy’ with his hands but I overlooked this as some people are like that (but it did make me feel uncomfortable)
> I talked with my husband about this and he advised me to talk to him. I did try to send him the message that what he has been saying, and doing are not ok with me or my husband and it has to stop, that my husband would not like another man hugging or hitting on his wife.
> 
> ...


Here's why I say this. 

They are going to call him into the office and tell him there is a sexual harassment complaint against him, and they are going to ask him for his side of it. Now do you HONESTLY think, when faced with losing his job over his behavior, that he will not put all the blame on you ... sort of like you are doing here? If you were to turn this in as it is, this becomes "He Said/She Said" and a hassle, not to mention a deeper investigation will be forthcoming, there could be lawsuits, etc. 

On the other hand, if you tell your supervisor, via this report, what REALLY happened--I'm not saying every detail but yeah for a long time there the OM was making advances toward you because you wanted them, you liked them, you encouraged them, and you sort of protested but didn't get serious about it. Make your timeline like this: 

Dec. 2009: First Day on the job; met OM
Mid Dec. 2009: worked closely together, some personal type discussions getting to know each other, I wasn't offended and didn't stop them. 
Jan 2010: Noticed some inappropriate comments slipping in such as "(quote here)" but blew them off as "joking with the guys" or not being serious. 

Look through your journals, your cell phone texts, your emails etc. to jog your memory, and be up front about it. Even say, "He said X, I was complimented and didn't shut him down, and I should have." Then when they call him in and he lays all the blame on you...they'll see that you already said you didn't fight him off at first but your leave of absence and return...you HAVE BEEN trying to and he's not listening!!

I seriously DO think it is a mistake to make it sound as if you've gone all innocently and been his victim. You are responsible for the choices you made, Flower, so be an adult and face them. Okay?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

turnera said:


> It sounds pretty good to me. I still think you underplayed your part and it's going to bite you when they bring OM in, but you did admit to carrying on, so good enough.


Agreed Turnera - although the real work should be done on the marriage, this more or less takes no responsibility other than being flattered. More went on, and this will become a game of 'he said/she said' (ending quite possibly in a double termination to save the government's face.) 

I'd advise you take a bit more responsibility. 

----------------
Now playing: Suck - 21st Century Schizoid Man
via FoxyTunes


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I seriously DO think it is a mistake to make it sound as if you've gone all innocently and been his victim. You are responsible for the choices you made, Flower, so be an adult and face them. Okay?


 What I meant to say.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Maybe just a couple of lines admitting that "His overtures started to have an affect on me. I found his persistence and attention attractive. This disturbed me even more. I was finding myself drawn in to a relationship I did not want and potentially damaging to my marriage. He had become attractive to me. At this time I was anxious and disturbed. To gain some perspective I requested a leave of absence." Simple yet honest. Okay?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I have revised my write up to reflect my part in this a little more clearly.

IAM: I took your words and changed them a bit, but felt like it was the truth and added this to my document. I am sending it off today.

This is very hard for me..I am forced to see the part I played in this-and the realization that instead of holding my boundaries, or even know what they were :scratchhead: I played into his attention. Eventually I did start to like the attention, even though the voice inside my head said DON'T!! It felt so good, and now it feels so bad. 

I need some perspective here please!! 
I am feeling guilty right now, mostly b/c HE won't have had any idea that I have gone to my boss, and when he gets called into the office may be quite shocked that i did this...I did not warn him (I am thinking I should have tried this once as a last resort before going to my boss) but this is the path I chose-however, I still can't help remembering the good times we shared, and all the nice ways he treated me, all the laughs and smiles we brought to each others faces. I can't stop thinking about him, and what I have done, what I could have done differently. I know this may sound ridiculous, but it is how I feel. I will miss him on some level and must move on. Is this a natural reaction to ending this in the way I have? I feel like I have betrayed him in a sense. Please share your thoughts.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I think this will really help you make the break. You did the right thing. He was well warned. He just didn't think you had the guts and that you were strong enough. You were his little yoyo. You have put an end to it. He was never going to listen to you becuase he did not respect you or your feelings. It should be clear to you the kind of man he truly is. A manipulator. Not to be trusted. You didn't throw him under the bus. He saw the bus coming and thought since you were driving he could get you to stop. Now it is time for him to man up and admit his role and his immorality. Which he won't because ultimately he is a coward. I would be shocked if he took responsibility. Kick him to the curb.


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## jackwhyte (Jul 16, 2010)

Guilt is a natural occurrence when ending an EA. If you look inside yourself, like I once had to, you will probably see that you are feeling guilty for a number of things and they do not all relate to the other person. Hopefully you realize that the other person is also an adult and also has to be responsible for their actions. As others have pointed out, working on your marriage is important now and you will need a way to try and move forward with this. Believe it or not, I was able to use my marraige as a way of moving on. Whenevr I though of the OW I would move closer to my wife and feel who she was to me, I would do what I could to focus on her. After a while things just faded for me as I was able to focus on my family. This worked for me as I was able to move out of the fog of the EA and start to repair my marriage. If you can find a way to embrace your marriage and yourself you will soon see that you will move on with lessons learned. Just my two bits.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I hit the send button..it is done, and i made sure to 'incriminate' myself and admit my part in it, as hard and embarrassing as it is.

I have not heard back from my boss since sending it and I am not sure what happens next. I really didn't want things to go this way and I hope it all goes well without too much drama. I am still going to have to see my co-worker at times, during staff gatherings and shift changes etc. so I don't want to feel too awkward...probably to be expected though huh?

AC and TP...why do i FEEL like I have done something wrong that is going to hurt HIM? Why can't I just move on now that it is done? I feel like I am slowly losing my sanity and can't shut my thoughts off!

I sure hope my story is going to convince others who are in affairs to cut it off before things get ugly...my situation is just one scenario-I am sure there are a million of them. What a disaster.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

This could have been much, much worse. You could have destroyed your family and lost your friends. It could have been a "path of destruction". It is much like the Stockholm Syndrome. You are kipnapped and held by terroists. You begin to bond with them as they feed you and give you shelter. They blame the government for not freeing you. You sympathize with them. When you are freed and they are captured, you feel badly. But you do know that the terrorist are wrong. Yet you still feel guilty that you are free and they are jailed. The human mind works in funny ways. 
You are free. Focus 100% on your marriage and family. When a thought enters your mind about OM go hug your husband. Tell him you need a hug. H will be there for you.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> AC and TP...why do i FEEL like I have done something wrong that is going to hurt HIM? Why can't I just move on now that it is done? I feel like I am slowly losing my sanity and can't shut my thoughts off!


Flower - you are still connected to the Other Man - that takes a while to get over. It is understandable - and it is part of the withdrawal you have to go through. Please don't spend time second guessing if you did the right thing: regardless of anything else, you are giving your marriage the chance it needed. Take full advantage of that: you and your husband can work together to overcome pretty much anything.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey Flower--you've been pretty quiet. How are you doing?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hey all,

This has been a challenging week for me. 
I am now working opposite shifts from my addiction  and can feel that moving on is possible. As I expected there was some whispering among my co-workers as to why my shifts have been changed etc. I confided in 2 female coworkers that I felt I could trust (one of them had an idea something with HIM had happened) and I told her everything..and get this!! He has been trying all of the same moves on the two of them as well!!!! Word for word, he said some of the exact same things and put the same moves on them as he has on me. He asked both of them the same weekend he asked me, to go away with him when HIS wife was away!! 

I feel like such an idiot...I thought I was special in his mind, but turns out he was just looking for something..anything on the side. 

My co worker referred to him as a dog in heat!:rofl:

So in talking to them both, I have really been hit hard with the reality that I was just another of the many he was trying to sleep with on the side. I am SO GLAD I did not go there!!

Aside from that, I must admit, I have been a bit depressed and angry. Both for not seeing him and missing him, and now with this realization that he was treating me like a piece of meat and that he likely didn`t have feelings for me as he said, but was just hard up for some U know what.

The whole thing is still left unsettled at work though as far as HIM being brought into the office-but at least I dont have to work with him anymore.

I have had some fantasies of contacting him just for the pleasure and empowerment of telling him off...I was so nice to him, and feel so cheap. I considered going off with this guy for some fun! What a joke. Should I give him a piece of my mind or not bother.

I am still very uncertain about my MG`and where we are headed, and the other day looked in the paper to check out rental prices. Some days I feel like I am done, then others I feel I can give it some more time to work on things.

One thing is certain, knowing MR PLAYER was playing me big time makes getting over him a whole lot easier.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Any idea how your husband feels?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You can make it work. Turn it around. You will be happy. You need to commit and trust yourself. Have faith in love and it will work out. Once that piece of crap is out of your head things will go much easier.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Indeed a pattern

"Word for word, he said some of the exact same things and put the same moves on them as he has on me. He asked both of them the same weekend he asked me, to go away with him when HIS wife was away!! "

As for your marriage, you need to bite your lip until you have fully recovered from the EA, if you start to see things wrong blame it on the OM and the EA. It could take many months to get through this and the last thing you want to do it rock your marriage.

With that said there is nothing stopping you and your husband rebuilding the relationship, chuck the leaving option out the window, make it something that will not happen, it will focus your mind. If you have one foot edging to the door you are distracted from resolving the issues and building a future together. 

Thanks for sharing


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You know you can come here any time for support. I would suggest you post daily. As you can see the advice you received here was right on the money. Now that your coworkers have revealed to you that the OM is a player, that should give you more incentive to focus on you husband. As WISP said you will go through withdrawal for at least a few weeks. 
Try to schedule some alone time daily with your husband. An hour or two a day. Go for a walk together. Spend extra time in bed. Play a board game. Just the two of you. You need to get the love kindlers going.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Thanks everyone 

turnera: My husband wants this marriage to work 100% and is doing all he can on his part to make that happen. He is trying to give me the time and space I need to heal from all that has happened.

I feel I really need space physically and emotionally right now, and have asked him to honor that as I need to process everything that has happened. He is trying to do that. We have also agreed to take a week off talking about heavy stuff. It has helped much in trying to re frame and decompress the situation.
We are going away as a family for the long weekend coming up, and hope to build some good memories in doing that.

I find I am still thinking of the OM at times, but knowing he was just playing me all along has helped me get over it!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Flower~

Just a couple of notes for ya. I'm sure that finding out the OM was just a Playa has shook you up some, maybe even hurt a little, but I want to encourage you. HE may not have noticed the value of you, but those of us here who Prayed and wrote and spend time on weekends and hoped you'd do the right thing sure noticed how priceless you are. And despite the fact that you did the most painful thing one human being can do to another, your husband finds you precious enough to choose you and make the effort to be with you. It's not that YOU are not a treasure--it's HIM; he was motivated by an ego drive to play a "game." Unfortunately, you slipped and got tangled up in his game. 

Now dear Flower, what remains is the illusion of what you *thought* you had. On the occasion when you are going through your day or night and you wistfully remember the OM or miss him, that is partly you missing your old habit. I would recommend that you teach yourself a new habit! When you have a thought of OM, right then and there, stop yourself and say out loud one good thing about your hubby. Say it out loud so that you don't only *think* it but your ear hears it too! Pick ONE THING that he did that was nice, that you enjoyed or liked, or one thing that he tried even if it didn't quite hit the mark. Retrain your mind to think of HIM. And when you would have sent OM a poem or a loving text or something...send one to your hubby. I'm sure he would be thrilled to get them! Your romantic side doesn't have to die out, just point 100% of your affection and loyalty to the one to whom it is due--your husband!


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Affaircare: Thank You for your kind words. It is true that the words of all of you on here have written have echoed in my mind throughout this whole thing...and indeed pushed me in the direction I am heading in...AWAY, AWAY from the OM :smthumbup:

The one realization I have had though, is that because this affair happened, my life and marriage will never be the same...and I am glad about that! We were in such a bad place in out MG for so many years, and this situation woke my Hubby up big time to see how he has been mistreating me all these years. Now he is committed to his own personal growth, and becoming the husband I wish I had all along. My heart needs to catch up, and hope I can find my way back to our marriage and feel love for him again.

I do not know where the road will lead us, or if we will overcome all that has happened over the years, but sometimes it takes a trauma to make one wake up and make changes in their lives. Hopefully our story has a happy ending.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

In case anyone wants an update on my situation, here goes!

My boss has informed me that he met with the OM to discuss the issues I brought forward, and said that he did not deny any of his part in it, and apparently expressed his willingness to change his behavior in the workplace and come up with a solution. 

I am to meet with my boss and HR this week to discuss this further, and hopefully come up with a solution.

The reality is that as long as we are employed in the same place, we are bound to run into each other in passing, and at the next continuing training day/staff meet in Sept. I have to get info on how I should conduct myself during those times-and keep any feelings that may run wild at bay when I do see him again. I am really anxious about the awkwardness that I may feel when this time does come.

This has been such a difficult time.I still miss him from time to time, and I have conversations with him in my head many times a day, wishing I could talk to him to explain why I did what I did going to our boss. I also feel like I should make an effort to let him know I do not feel hostile or hateful toward him and that I hope we can keep things friendly when we do see each other from time to time.

I will ask these questions at the HR meeting as they probably have experience on the best ways to deal with this type of situation in the workplace.


On another note: My HB and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship-and I have began to have some affectionate feelings toward him; however we are not in the clear. I still feel like I need space from him a lot, and often get irritable in his presence even if he isn't doing anything wrong. I am not sure why this is, but I am trying to be aware of it, and ask for space when this happens. He is usually understanding, but I know it hurts him. We still have a long way to go, but we are not ready to quit yet.

Some advice for those of you trying to get through the hell of the aftermath of an affair: Take a NO TALKING breather for an agreed upon time. You agree not to discuss the affair, or any heavy stuff (we did 10 days) and it has lifted the weight off of both of us so we can breathe! We have talked, and talked and talked about it so much hat I physically got ill from discussing the same stuff over and over. We have talked it all to death-and we have been trying to focus on building on positive interactions. I am not saying that this is a long term solution, but I know that all that negative energy constantly surrounding us with all of the talking left no room for good feelings to develop, which is what we both want. Now we have found we have nothing really to hash out. I have taken steps to end contact with the OM-and he is working on himself, as I am. OS we are just going with that for now, see where it leads us.


Any thoughts or advice from you guys out there?
I know you have some!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good job. The only thing I would add is that, when you do have to run across OM, he is DEAD to you. You do NOT have to acknowledge him. HE KNOWS why you will be doing this, and he will be ok with it. It is best for BOTH of you at this point to pretend you don't even know each other.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Good job. The only thing I would add is that, when you do have to run across OM, he is DEAD to you. You do NOT have to acknowledge him. HE KNOWS why you will be doing this, and he will be ok with it. It is best for BOTH of you at this point to pretend you don't even know each other.



Oh boy..not sure if I can do that, but I will aim for it!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

What is HB reading? Is he meeting your needs?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> What is HB reading? Is he meeting your needs?


He isn't reading anything right now, bur has ordered His Needs, Her Needs and is waiting for it to arrive.

Yes he is meeting my needs, and has been wonderful for the most part with everything.

The only thing I am struggling with: He asks me if I miss him when he is away at work out of town, and is always fishing for me to say something to comfort him. The problem is that I don't usually moss him, and in fact like having the space from him.

I am sure that if I continue to feel this way...wanting distance, that out future together does not look too bright. I am hopeful with time, this will change and i will grow to look forward to being together.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Flower: there comes a time when you have to start pursuing your husband, you used to look forward to the OM’s conversations, time you made yourself look forward to being with your H. 

You are still in withdrawal and unless you divert the energy you used on the OM to H you will be in limbo for a long time. 

The fact that you mentioned “wanting distance, that out future together does not look too bright.” These are negative thoughts, bet you never had those thoughts about the OM.

When these negative feelings come up you need to find a way of thinking of the good times and good qualities of your H, replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. 

It takes a long time for an EA to heal.. be patient

Stay on course…


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You need to spend more time together. Harley recommends 15 hours a week. Seems like a lot since most couples tlak for 5 minutes a day. But he insists it is necessary. This is exclusive time. No kids, no friends. Go for a walk, play a board game, have date night, play golf or tennis together. Can you spend a little more time in bed in the morning, just snuggling and talking. No tv. How is the sex? If you are intimate then talk ablut doing some different things so that it adds some spice and gets you my interested. Of course only things that you are comfortable with. Explain the changes to your husnad so that he doesn't worry that you are changing things because you have learned them from someone else.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> Yes he is meeting my needs, and has been wonderful for the most part with everything.
> 
> The only thing I am struggling with: He asks me if I miss him when he is away at work out of town, and is always fishing for me to say something to comfort him. The problem is that I don't usually moss him, and in fact like having the space from him.
> 
> I am sure that if I continue to feel this way...wanting distance, that out future together does not look too bright. I am hopeful with time, this will change and i will grow to look forward to being together.


As difficult as it may be, you also need to put yourself... just a little bit... into your HB's shoes. His trust, sense of self worth and confidence have been shattered in this situation. And in a nutshell, he is deathly afraid that this will happen again. Many loyals make the mistake of becoming clingy, needy or overly affectionate. This is a time where you need to both COMMUNICATE and COMPROMISE. You don't have to bend to meet every slightest thing he wants but you also need to realize he is TRYING to communicate HIS needs here. You need to do the same and make an effort to meet more of his needs than less if you want the marriage to grow and strengthen.

Q~


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

So I had the meeting with my boss and HR this morning-and it went really well. They were both wonderful about the whole thing and are committed to making sure I am comfortable in the workplace and ensuring that he leaves me alone unless it is work related dialog. They made it very clear that if he does anything out of line to go straight to one of them-however they are both confident he will not be a problem after talking with him.

They have also arranged to have a 3rd person on shift when I am working with him, so we won't be alone together. This will make it more comfortable for me to have another person there to work with even if he is on shift.

I realize this has gone a bit off topic from infidelity-but I hope that my story will make others see how an EA can really make a mess of things. I am still trying to find my way through this, and use this as a learning experience. I am stronger now, more than ever because of this whole thing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So glad it worked out, and that you learned from this. Your marriage will be stronger for it.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Keep it up. And you know we are here to support you. Any time!


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

hi flowergirl,

I have read your entire thread and I just wanted to say I hope my wife, who has put us in a very similar position to your own, comes to her senses a little and can find the strength you have done. Sadly I am not optimistic.

You are working so hard to put right what you have done wrong and I hope your husband can see that and make changes to give you both a great marriage going forward.

Best of luck and keep strong avoiding the OM. he is a negative!! a problem!!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I also have read your thread and I'm very proud of you, you made a mistake and you are taking ownership of that and you are the one fixing any additional problems that might come from it......
That takes a good person and someone who values marriage and respect.......
We all make mistakes, my theory is you never make 2 in a row....
My husband also saw what he did by having an affair was wrong for him, me and his family.....
He is stronger now as well, it takes guts and it's hard to do.....but it is what is right for you........
I think you now see the job really isn't worth the marriage or living with that kind of guilt is worth your soul..........
Stay strong and know that you will be proud of yourself as well, that means everything....


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

I hope I have touched some others lives who are out there struggling with similar issues. I can't express how difficult this has been for us..I truly felt we were done, there was no good feeling left on my part. I was dreaming of leaving and starting fresh. 
Now I see that I have to give this a fair chance-for our childrens sake, we have to try to repair this and make our marriage better than it ever was...cause the old one sucked!
I will no longer tolerate being emotionally abused, disrespected, controlled or manipulated. I will stand up for myself above all.
I am a changed woman.

I hope this is the end of my story, and that I can work with him again and all will be ok. I am not going to get sucked into it again as I know better..it is NOT good for me, and I was being used as HIS distraction. I was a potential "night of fun" for him, and that is all. I will keep this in my mind, and remember the one who truly loves and cares for me..my H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And make sure you teach your daughters that - that many men out there look at you simply as 'fun.' And will lie and anything else they have to do, to get it.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

We finally go the His Needs Her Needs book...I am so glad! Looks like just the book we need right now. We are reading it chapter by chapter together, then discussing our thoughts insights etc on what we read...brings up good conversation...maybe a bit of heated debating-but all constructive.
Never would my HB have been interested in reading a book like this with me..how things have changed!

He is a bit worried about my going to work again with the OM, as he is worried that I still have feelings for him. I have reassured him that now that I know better, and know WHY I got wrapped up in the affair in the first place (I was not getting some of my most essential needs met by him all these years) that I am not tempted to get back into that again because I know how bad it was for me. I don't want that in my life, and will not allow it to happen again.

I was so lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage, and life before the affair. All of this has changed, and we are building a bond in a way we never have before. I am actually thankful in a way that all of this happened, as I don't think anything would have woken my HB up the way this did..nothing else ever worked and he never got the message! I do believe everything happens for a reason.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

It is a great book for times like you are going through. I bought the book for a number of friends. A couple of them have found that it opened their eyes and has made a real difference. I am so happy that you are connecting with your husband.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> He is a bit worried about my going to work again with the OM, as he is worried that I still have feelings for him. I have reassured him that now that I know better, and know WHY I got wrapped up in the affair in the first place (I was not getting some of my most essential needs met by him all these years) that I am not tempted to get back into that again because I know how bad it was for me. I don't want that in my life, and will not allow it to happen again.


The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My advice is still the same here - find another job. You have one now - so you aren't out of work - just start the search for a new place and a new start.


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