# Hi I'm new and need help



## internationalgal (Jan 9, 2013)

I have been married for about 7 years and have three beautiful children. Two are from this current marriage, one is from before. My family (parents, siblings) and my current husband have in the past had issues getting along. There are things my husband does that really bother my parents and vice versa. It is a very stressful situation and I am usually caught in the middle. The relationship issues between my family and my husband has finally come to a head. We recently vacationed with my parents and after years of bottling emotions things finally exploded. My parents got angry with my husband, and yelled at him. I felt awful. My husband wants nothing to do with my parents. The problem is that my husband does not think he has done anything wrong and think he is the victim. However, I fully agree with my parents and understand where they are coming from. I see my husband's faults. If I try to point the out to my husband he gets very mad, says we are all attacking him, and shuts down. I can't talk to him about it. The only thing he responds to is if I tell him he is right and everyone else is wrong. When I dared to tell my husband the truth, that I agreed with my parents and proceeded to list out the issues, he blew up at me. Now he hasn't spoken to me in days. I feel lonely, and sad. I don't know what to do. I love my family so much, but I also love my husband. My family lives far away and I see them a total of 10 days a year, and now my husband has vowed to never travel with me to see them again. I just need advice, support, anything. I don't know what to do.

I have asked my siblings to just put up with him the way he is for 10 days a year, and if he does things that are rude to just ignore them so that things go smoothly. I have asked my parents the same. But is that fair to them? They do so much for me and the kids, and the things they ask for are not unreasonable, yet my husband seems to think they are. I honestly don't know what to do. 

I worry about having to travel alone with the kids, it makes it a lot harder since my parents are on a different continent. But what can I do when my husband says he will not take vacations with us in the future? I worry what kind of message that sends to our kids... that dad can't go with mom to visit their grandparents. 

I just want to sit down and cry. To make things worse, the silent treatment my husband is giving me is causing me a lot of pain. And he is mad because I dared to point out things that I agree are a problem in the way he acts. Whenever I try to talk to him about things like that his stalk response is always: "I don't care, don't talk to me."

And what are these complaints that my husband finds so unreasonable? Well when we go to my parents house, my husband for some reason feels that he will be waited for hand and foot. He refuses to do any work at all. He expects everyone to bring him everything. He doesn't help with cooking, with bringing groceries in from the car, with clearing his table after dinner. This bothers my parents, and they see it as a lack of respect to them. My husband sits around and does nothing. In fact, this last vacation, I had my baby in my arms, was breastfeeding, and I got up to clear our plates. He did not offer to help even though I was breastfeeding. I try to do extra because I know my husband won't help, but instead of helping the situation, it seems to make it worse because my parents hate to see me doing everything for him, and him just sitting back drinking his beers. 

Anyways, I just needed to get this off my chest. I am very sad and need some advice. Thank you.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hello, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Does your husband behave this way at home? Does he sit around and do nothing? Does he treat you well? Respect you? A good role model for your kids? Your husband shuts you down, so I guess you don't know why he feels compelled to be so lazy and disrespectful when he is with your parents. You have nothing to apologize for and it is emotional abuse that he is giving you the silent treatment.

If his behavior with your family is the only problem that you have with your husband, then I think you should move on and accept that you will travel to see your family without your husband. I have family that lives on another continent, and the wife travels without the husband often - not for the same reasons - he can't always get off work when she wants to travel. It will be challenging, especially with little kids, but you can do it.

I don't think 10 days away without their dad will be detrimental to your kids.

My biggest concern is that your family does not like your husband because he treats you badly all the time. What is the truth?


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## internationalgal (Jan 9, 2013)

He is a good father, but less of a good husband. He can be very good sometimes, but he can also be cold. It is impossible to talk to him because he refused to listen to any criticism. He gets upset. I feel like we are constantly fighting and I am constantly apologizing to him.

He does more at home than he does when he is with my parents, but I would say that I still do 90% of the work. We have three children (2 of his and one of a previous relationship) and I do most of the care for them. I do most of the housework too. And I work full time. He makes more money at his job, a fact that he constantly reminds me about, and so I think he thinks that means he gets to do less at home. I think he also thinks that my job is not as good as his. 

I wish we could talk without fighting. He still won't talk to me and it hurts me so bad. I have been crying and then I feel weak for letting myself cry in front of him. Not that he cares. He tells me to shut up. How long can this go on for? At what point do I say enough is enough and move out?

I still love him, I think, but I do not like him. I am scared of leaving this relationship and being alone. I am terrified of not being able to be with my babies every day and having to share custody. I am trapped. I feel like I can't leave. I am not sure if I want to, without fighting for us, but I am not sure he wants to fight for us. I suggested going to counseling, and he told me to shut up and that he was not interested. What should I do? How long do I tolerate his silence?


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

the bottom line is your married to him not them. they can dislike him all they want. they still have to respect the fact that he is your husband. He should respect that they are your parents and only want what's best for you. All of you need to put your big boy pants on and have a deep conversation and just agree to disagree.
who gets along with all their inlaws? There is people in my wife family that I would like to punch out and I can't stand looking at them but I keep the peace because that is the right thing to do. Unless it's physical abuse


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

HOW DARE HE! Who does he think he is telling you to shut up. Your family doesn't like him? I don't blame them. I don't like him and you don't like him. He doesn't care, he tells you to shut up, he's a chauvenistic pig who doesn't help out and thinks his bigger salary justifies being a leech. You'd better start demanding a lot more for yourself because right now, you're being treated like dirt. That's no way to be a wife or a mother. You're afraid of being physically alone, but you are already alone with this manipulative poor excuse for a husband. If you stay with him, I predict for you a life of misery. Want more for yourself. See a lawyer and get out now.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

internationalgal said:


> I love my family so much, but I also love my husband.


When you married, you left your family and started a whole NEW family with your husband. That means your husband and your marriage are now your first priority, not your parents...

If your priority is your parents, you have no business being married.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

She's still with him so he is her priority. Apparently, she is not his priority. Her parent's problem isn't that she is married, it's that she is married to a pompous, arrogant, self-righteous, disrespectful man.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

Kids learn from their parents. Staying with a man who treats you like that is teaching your children that what you have is what marriage is like. If you can't leave for you, leave for the fact that your kids very well might be feeling your pain 20 years from now in miserable relationships of their own.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's important that you back your husband up as your husband. If he's wrong....share this with him in private. 

He is your priority and doesn't feel like it. I am guessing that he doesn't help you much due to the fact of being resentful that he isn't a priority. 

I could be wrong and perhaps, early on, he wasn't a good husband but I have a hunch that things started turning when he didn't feel respected.

This can be worked out with some communication and give/take and apologies. 

Yes, you love your parents and visit them but until he is respected as your husband by them...then it may be best for him to stay behind.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Wow, you could be my sister. I don't know what your family is thinking, but here's what I think about my sister and her husband:

Keeping the peace and keeping my mouth shut when he's verbally and emotionally abusing her feels like standing there and doing nothing while he's beating her. It kills me. I hate it. I hate him for doing it. I HATE him. I have tried forgiving and starting fresh so many times over 10 years, but he just uses that as an excuse to trample on my sister (and my mother, he's a huge ass to my mother) even more. 

She says that for some reason, he just hates us and acts like a jerk when we're around, but is super awesome when we're not. That's hard for me to believe. I don't believe it. 

As it stands, my BIL and I haven't seen each other in a few years. He hasn't made the trip with her to visit us, and I haven't been out there. My parents and brother still see him (even though my mom comes home in tears over the way he treats my sister every time she sees him. My sister doesn't know this). 

It's an uneasy truce for now. I love my sister and want her to be happy. I'm trying to balance respecting that she's an adult and says she's happy, with knowing that he's abusive and she deserves better. It's hard. 

To best repair the relationship, you have to understand why your husband is such a jerk to your family, and what you can all do to mitigate his ridiculous behavior. Maybe you guys can stay in a hotel when you visit, for example. If your husband is giving you the silent treatment, then maybe he IS abusing you at home all the time, just in more subtle ways than you realize. I think you should see a counselor, someone objective that you can talk about his behavior with. If he's abusive, you need to get out. You deserve better. Your kids deserve to not see their mom abused, or else they're going to wind up in the same kind of relationship.

Sorry, your post touched a nerve. My sister's situation breaks my heart.


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