# How long does it take before ( please read )



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

A discussion was brewing that revolved around some people believing that the wife in a marriage likely did every possible to warn the husband that she was preparing to leave the marriage. The opposite argument was that often times the wife has taken years to leave but in that time did very little to really warn or try to change things. The latter woman falling under the " Plan B wife ", who finds another man, scopes him out for some time before moving forward and then keeps the husband on the hook after EA/PA has begun. I suspect that Plan B might also apply to men but in this case...

My response to Bob was :

Bob you have hit the nail on the head with this. My wife has no question taken the Plan B approach. However I would add that PLan B women kid themselves into believing they did everything possible to get the message out to their spouse, they reason that they really tried when they didn't.

My question...is there a point in the future at which Plan B wife, after the dust has subsided, that she realizes she didn't do everything she believed she did and when the anger dissipates does she begin to feel the love that was once there and could have been there if she hadn't put up those walls. That she begins to start to remember the good instead of convincing herself it was all bad ? 

Finally, while the OM has become the savior, does this luster rub off after the wife has really had time to think ? If that wife was a very difficult woman to begin with, when do these traits begin to re-surface where she is now projecting on this new man ?

I had always wished that, in my heart there was way my wife COULD have another relationship ( while I waited ) so that she could see that it wasn't all peaches and cream out there, that she might have been too judgmental and that she didn't have it so bad with me. That with such an opportunity she would realize that there was still lots of love left, but that it was buried deep.

As mentioned, while the heart still aches, I couldn't have been presented with a better shot at this happening, even if it doesn't lead to a reconciliation, because the OM in my case is so far away from my wife's type ( broke, left 2 kids in Cali that he never sees etc etc ) and will likely get bored with playing married at some point, after my wife begins to make demands on him, when he has lived as a bachelor with roommates for some time and hasn't had to deal with criticism, the orders and true judgement, at least not the kind a woman who demands a great deal can dish out. How long can this take ? ( I was always able to absorb what she had to dish out. Even her family asked how I was able to deal with it ) When does her true personality reveal itself in her new relationship ? 

In many cases I have read here, the OM is himself married and therefore accustomed to the trials faced in a marriage. What if the guy in question isn't married and hasn't lived as a family man, at least not for some time, can this make a difference in the progress ?

I guess I am trying to find the belief that one day I will witness her regret her decision. That she will realize what she threw away without working for it. I know she knows this could happen because she has even expressed worry that she is making a mistake, but that she has to try this new path of freedom.

How long does the initial fog of romance lift in a new couple ? Is it accelerated when you push her towards that new man, rather than co-habitate and fight against the high that comes with sneaking around ?

All questions that are difficult to answer but with all of the expertise on this board, I thought I would ask.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why would you want to wait? Even if you did, you are projecting to her that no matter what she did in the marriage you will always be there to take her back. This is the most typical doormat behavior. And, if she comes back, she will know that she can stay in the marriage until she once again gets bored and go looks for a new excitement again, because you will always be there to take her back.

True remorse from her will never come until she realizes what she lost. And she hasn't really lost you, because you continue to wait for her, ready to take her back with open arms.

You need to start living like she is never coming back. You need to work on yourself, refind your self respect and your boundaries. Maybe even date other women when you are ready. Once you find your inner strength again and re-establish your boundaries with yourself will you see things more clearly. Then, if she returns, YOU can decide if you want her to come back or not. Maybe you will not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

everyone wants to see someone that badly hurt them eventually get hurt themselves. but there is noway in hell i would sit around and wait for that person to hopefully see the error in their ways and run back to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> My question...is there a point in the future at which Plan B wife, after the dust has subsided, that she realizes she didn't do everything she believed she did and when the anger dissipates does she begin to feel the love that was once there and could have been there if she hadn't put up those walls. That she begins to start to remember the good instead of convincing herself it was all bad ?


Possibly. Sometimes you may know, sometimes you may never know. Unfortunately there is no crystal ball to tell the way this person will think but I can't imagine they won't remember they chose to leave a marriage. It will cross their mind. Maybe they're happy w/ their decision. Maybe they'll live to regret it til they die. No way to tell. 



frenchmanfl said:


> Finally, while the OM has become the savior, does this luster rub off after the wife has really had time to think ?


I think that shiny/new honeymoon phase lasts anywhere from 1-2 yrs before the "real" relationship starts. course, this is just my opinion but that is how long I think it lasts...Rest assured though, the "doe eyes" phase where everything is fantastic and magical and reality hasn't hit yet does end in EVERY relationship. It's that initial "infatuation" phase... it's like a drug high. Everyone comes down from it though.

*Question for the board: How long do you guys think the "honeymoon" phase lasts in new relationships?*



frenchmanfl said:


> If that wife was a very difficult woman to begin with, when do these traits begin to re-surface where she is now projecting on this new man ??


Her personality will show immediately. Again, once the shiny/new wears off, they both will start to see eachother for who they are. Now her personality may totally clash with the new person or it may not and gel better. Again, no way to tell. 



frenchmanfl said:


> How long can this take ?



Again, this is one of those unknowns. Some people come out of the fog way quicker than others. But I can assure you, nothing will wake her up to reality FASTER than you telling her you're not going to tolerate her affair and remove yoruself as an option.



frenchmanfl said:


> I guess I am trying to find the belief that one day I will witness her regret her decision. That she will realize what she threw away without working for it. I know she knows this could happen because she has even expressed worry that she is making a mistake, but that she has to try this new path of freedom.


Every betrayed spouse or left behind spouse wants this. The thing is, you can't sit arond putting your life on hold while the other person live theirs out fully, w/o including you on their new journeys. You have got to move on and put yourself first, just like she is doing for herself. She may crash and burn and come back to you and she may never do that. 



frenchmanfl said:


> How long does the initial fog of romance lift in a new couple ? Is it accelerated when you push her towards that new man, rather than co-habitate and fight against the high that comes with sneaking around ?
> .


In the cases I have seen, most success stories have come from two things:
1. The betrayed spouse putting their foot down AS SOON AS they find out about the affair and telling the DS they are not gonna take it and MEANING it (backing it up with hardcore actions) and
2. the DS' willingness to end the affair completely and to work on the marriage. 

There is no way to tell which camp your wife will fall in but I can assure you, living your life waiting for someone to "wake up" from an affair when they are blatantly disregarding your feelings and essentially, playing you, is not the answer. 

I myself was in a fog once. Getting a Property agreement sent to me from my now ex-h's lawyer woke me the f-ck up to the reality of our split. However, I had ended the A all on my own before that even went down.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> True remorse from her will never come until she realizes what she lost. And she hasn't really lost you, because you continue to wait for her, ready to take her back with open arms.


This x 1000.

She  cannot  miss you if you are always there for her. Know that.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> I guess I am trying to find the belief that one day I will witness her regret her decision. That she will realize what she threw away without working for it.


This will only happen when she takes ownership and accountability for her actions. She may never do that though. She might continue to excuse her behavior as something she was forced into and had no control over the bad road your marriage was already headed down.

Early into our divorce, my ex-husband expressed to me how I got screwed in this whole deal. Meaning, I had done so much for him throughout our marriage and in the long wrong he did little and had an affair. Yet he still never admitted, at least to me, he screwed up and threw away a good thing.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you everyone. First this total separation is new. Today, I fell completely silent, didn't respond to a single e-mail, then after work she calls me three times !!!! I didn't answer and about a half an hour later I said " in a meeting ".

You don't just switch off the love and it is a very difficult brain taxation when I remain completely perplexed at her choice of man. As I may have said before, he is broke, etc etc etc. Not a single thing fits except that she says he is sweet. She continues to profess things and while I don't believe her, its still hard to ever imagine her choosing this guy as the one who would save her. She wants stability and family and she picks a man who left his two daughters all the way across the country never to see them again ( my wife told me all of this at a point when I knew it was just a friendship ). In other words, this can only be convenience.

No I am not waiting for her, in fact, I am looking at an apartment tomorrow. I will be using the 180 and the LC because she has insisted that she doesn't want to ever go back to that old life again. Yet she then says, if it's meant to happen it will. 

Yes I must let go and I will not stop myself from possibly seeing other women and exploring what life could be like without her. There are moments where I have had little glimpses of " I can do this now and that " but I also miss my family unit. I miss seeing my son every day...I can't see her because she remains the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

I have also done plenty to deserve this ( not infidelity ) but enough to warrant a woman questioning if she would ever get the love she sought. We were both guilty in the last couple of years of not working at it, but...I came from a very cold family and she the opposite...The sad thing is that before I moved to join my wife I said to myself " what am I doing, I need to change" ...I did and even told her so...but it was too late.

So you see, in some cases there is guilt and a belief that one forced his spouse to do what she is doing.

However, as everyone has said, no amount of outward expression of sorrow is going to help, that it is counter productive, so I will move on and maybe I will find someone new, but nothing but nothing is going to make me forget the beauty of a family together or the depth of love I have felt for this woman. 

I know what needs to be done if there is any chance and I will do it and I will not break at the first sign of her showing me that maybe she is re-thinking things. In fact it will spur me on. Today...my first day with pretty much zero contact, after what I think she believed was a conversation the day before where she felt she had established the friendship again. The first day and she is e-mailing me 5 times ( about our son ) and then calling me three times after work ( because I didn't respond to her e-mails as I always do ). Maybe it was a fluke and rest assured I have no illusions that she is quickly going to take the silent route herself. If it ever does, this won't turn overnight or even in 6 months, but I suspect that if she every comes back to my door one day and says she is ready to work on things. I will likely take her back.

As mentioned our wedding song was " No ordinary love " by Sade. This is not your typical wedding song. But despite the hurt, I am also a realist and realize that maybe it just won't happen.

There is a plus and a minus to having children. The minus is that it forces you to have to remain in contact when all you want to do is close that door until you heal. But it can also serve down the road as the catalyst to reunion. 

I have read some horror stories and I have read some wonderful marriages that have rekindled after a long separation that have turned into the best marriages on the planet.

Maybe mine won't turn out that way, but while I will move forward and get on with my life there will always be a part of me that will want that life ( a new better version ) of that back. To grow old and take care of each other.

Can one find that again with a new person ? Not sure haven't tried yet. 

Yes I year for her to see how good she did have it even with the communication problems. How can I not, but it doesn't mean I am going to remain stagnant like a lost puppy. I have those moments of fear but I have learned enough from sites like these that nothing can stall progress whichever way that progress goes, then sitting around and lamenting. I won my wife back a couple of times, when she thought she had had enough. Maybe this one is too deep to repair but I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. Today was no sign that things were turning but how strange that on my first real day of NC, that she reacts that way...she has said " I will always love you..." This is a conflicted woman and I believe this is just stand in guy...if he were a handsome rich family man...

Anyway, I know it sounds like I am grasping at straws and maybe there is a little hope left in me, maybe I don't want to let go of it but showing her any of that will only push her away, so I am going to go and live, meet new people, do some things I have always wanted to do, give my son my undivided attention when I have him and just try to enjoy what I hope is a brief freedom to explore life.

My dream will likely remain the hope that my beautiful family will be together again. I don't call this being a door matt, so long as your not expressing this outwardly to their spouse or stbx. 

Realistic hope and desperation are different emotions. Hope is based on one day, whereas desperation is based on " can't let go...afraid..." trust me I have bouts with the latter regularly but then I talk my way out of them. The hardest fight I have had to endure in my life so far, but I am fighting it. 

I appreciate the dose of reality you all have to offer and know it's absolutely true. I want answers and I want to know when i can get them if not know but circumstances are so different in each relationship that it is nearly impossible to nail anything down. Someone above said 2 years for affairs to fizzle out and others have said 6 months. I believe that the range has everything to do with if the escapee picked someone who they thought they could really escape with or if they simply picked the most convenient nice guy who happened to walk in their path at the right time. The one thing I do know is my wife, even if she isn't the same woman right now...I may never get her back but this guy is not her knight in shining armor, not by any measure. 

We shall see...thank you all !


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Hang in there with the limited contact. I am completely aware how with younger children it is “limited contact” instead of “no contact“. Beware of the times you have contact with her when everything goes pleasant. You will be susceptible of getting emotionally sucked back in. Once you are, and she realizes you’re still (emotionally) around, she will push you aside and you will be back at square one feeling hurt and lonely again. I know it is hard to completely shut down like that. Distancing someone from my heart is still one of the biggest obstacles I struggle with.


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## Whitesnake (Feb 9, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> Why would you want to wait? Even if you did, you are projecting to her that no matter what she did in the marriage you will always be there to take her back. This is the most typical doormat behavior. And, if she comes back, she will know that she can stay in the marriage until she once again gets bored and go looks for a new excitement again, because you will always be there to take her back.
> 
> True remorse from her will never come until she realizes what she lost. And she hasn't really lost you, because you continue to wait for her, ready to take her back with open arms.


I agree 1,000% with this. It wasn't until I put our marriage (5.5 years) and our life/friendship (12+ years) on the line and demonstrated unequivocally that I absolutely would not tolerate being in a three person marriage and was prepared to turn my back on her forever that I was finally able to snap my WW from the fog (despite ending the PA on DDay she kept the EA going underground with a business partner and coworker (and former close friend of mine) for five weeks until I sniffed it out.) When I finally stood up for myself to that degree and gained back my self respect there was an almost immediate shift in my WW towards the marriage. We're by no means out of the woods. There is an enormous amount of hard work to do to rebuild trust still to go, and for my WW in IC to work on her behaviors, but now there is a path forward where before it was just painful limbo. In the end, her actions will demonstrate her commitment and resolve, not her words. Words are easy, actions matter.

The point is when I finally stopped being the doormat, desperately hoping my WW would just come back to me (again) because of what a great, loving guy i was to her and instead took charge and was wiling to let her go forever did she realize how close she was to actually losing everything and it motivated her.

It took me a while to understand that this is really the only way to have a chance at saving a marriage after an affair. Even then it may not be possible and you have to be willing to walk away at that point and move on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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