# ex step children that I raised for 4 years



## raising5boyz

Just got into it with my ex. We have been on good terms for the past month or so....until tonight. 

Background: We were married for five years. Three and a half of those years I raised his four kids, from a previous marriage, in my home full time. I potty trained his twins.....took them all to doctors appointments, school, activities, church, discovered his twins had a hearing problem and sought treatment and speech therapy, took his two oldest to counsling.....the list goes on and on. I will never claim I was the perfect step-mom....I'm sure I did alot wrong...however I did ALOT for those kids.....probably more than their actually parents ever did during those years. 

When my ex left....the kids went back to their moms house. It was then that suddenly they hated me....and their father....and it was made clear by their mom I would never see them again....however I still care about them greatly.

Today: I sent him a text asking if he has tried to get ahold of his children (he hasn't seen or spoken to them in nearly a year). He said no, but that if any of them wanted to talk to him.....their mom has his email address and get ahold of him.

I proceeded to say that I think about them and worry about them.....and that I noticed his daughters facebook page. I said that she looks so grown up now....and that out of all the kids I worry about her the most.

He flipped out on me! Told me to leave his kids alone and not be 'checking up' on them! I explained that I raised his kids for four years and I care about them. He told me to leave them alone as they are HIS kids...not mine.....and he doesn't go checking up on my kids! He went on and on.....I'm surprised and kinda hurt by his reaction.

Was/am I wrong? I think he reaction was unjustified. Your thoughts?


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## Riverside MFT

His reaction may not have been directed at you, but directed at not being able to see his kids. He may be jealous of the kids mother as well. He may be also be dealing with some depression. Having custody and then losing custody of the children could easily cause depression.
You have every right to worry about those children. For three and a half years, your motherly insticts were in full force for those children. You treated them as your own. You are trying to maintain connection with "your" children as any good mother would.


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## OhGeesh

Don't take this the wrong way, but a whole whopping 3.5 years? I know parents that talk to their college aged kids like once a month if that. 

Focus on you and your life, fulfill your dreams, do things you always wanted!! I don't think you did anything wrong at all for what it's worth. It seems now that my kids are getting older I see so many parents that their whole life revolves around their kids success it's really sad.


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## raising5boyz

@Riverside.....I was kind of thinking the same thing. Like maybe me saying anything about his kids just reopened a wound...so maybe the anger really wasn't at me...it was just projected at me. His ex has really pulled alot of stuff....I do feel sad for him and for his kids for the whold situation. I will try to just shrug it off. And really the bottom line is....even if he wishes I didn't care about his kids....I always will and there is really nothing he can do about my feelings. I just won't talk to HIM about it! 

@OhGeesh....when you are just a 'every other weekends step-parent' you are right....three and a half years is not long. But when you are a full time parent for 3 1/2 years you grow attached....you love them. I mean what youre saying is kind of like saying ...."Oh you had four children die when they were 3 1/2....well it was only 3 1/2 years that they were in your life! Get over it!!!" Anyways....it's not like I obsess over them....but yes I think about them sometimes....and I def hope the best for them. They were all the same ages as my kids...and my youngest son is their half brother....looks just like the twins! lol So yes, I do think about them....but they don't consume my thoughts.


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## EleGirl

You did nothing wrong. I can understand why, after investing a lot in his children that you now think about them. It's completely normal.

I wonder if his reaction is based on him being upset with you.

Why did he return the children to their mother after you left?


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## raising5boyz

Well....he cheated (unknown to me when he left). He basically just packed up and moved out with the "love you but Im not happy" thing. We were living in a large house that I owned...raising 9 children together. When he moved out he had no one to watch his kids....cause I had been doing it....and no place for them to live....so they went back to their mom who lived in a very small house that was literally falling apart and disgustingly filthy. He walked away from all that we had together....and his children....to be with another woman. There is so so much more to the story but that is what happened when he left. 

As for him being upset with me....I don't know. I thought we had gotten past most of that. But it resurfaces occasionally, and he still seems to blame me for his affairs at times, even though at other times he will say it was all his fault and he was foolish to throw everything we had away. Lately we had been getting along very well...so I just don't know.


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## nice777guy

Is there any way to reach out to their mother? When was the last time you talked to her?

Not really suggesting a this point - just asking if that's any type of an option.


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## raising5boyz

No, I will not reach out to the mother. If I thought for even a second she would be receptive I would. She resented me/hated me since the beginning. She would get mad at me for things like taking her twins to speech therapy. They were two and a half when they came to live with me....and they could not say a single word. When I got their speech evaluation done she was irate...said I was calling the twins stupid. I wasn't of course....I just knew they needed help! 

After my divorce....his ex wife continued to harass me. She accused me and my oldest son of vandalizing her house and spying on them....and all sorts of crazy stuff...I didn't even know where she lived! Not even a clue where she lived! lol Then she said my mom started yelling at her in the middle of Walmart one day....my mom is the most mellow person you could ever meet! lol 

So no.....no contact their mother. I will just continue to hope and pray for their well being.


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## Dadof3

Raising: I personally think he flipped out on you because he sees that you expressed more attention and concern about his kids, than he has. To top it off, I can't imagine he's happy with himself and the choices he made to lose you and the kids. 

He'll definitely project that onto you in some fashion.


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## nice777guy

Dadof3 said:


> Raising: I personally think he flipped out on you because he sees that you expressed more attention and concern about his kids, than he has. To top it off, I can't imagine he's happy with himself and the choices he made to lose you and the kids.
> 
> He'll definitely project that onto you in some fashion.


:iagree:

Still sucks that you can't at least tell them hello...sorry...


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## raising5boyz

Dadof3- I think you hit the nail on the head. He must feel some extreme guilt for a lot of things he has done that have led him to where he is now. I will just let it go.....

Yes niceguy....wish I could say hello. Feel like I had a lot to offer those kids then.....and still could now if it was allowed. :/


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## Limping

r5b

Had a long message written and back-paged... hate this cordless "magic mouse" sometimes.

Suffices to say I was concerned that your Ex is still looking for some emotional fulfillment from you and was worried that you might be seeking the same. him feeling needy enough to talk about his failures (everything is my fault) etc... and comfortable enough with you to present them is where that concern comes from.

I also wanted you to know how much respect you have earned in my eyes. I have read many of your postings here and every time I seem to gain more awe of your capabilities as a woman. Now that I know you were the primary caregiver for 9 children... I cannot imagine leaving a woman that could accomplish that at even a decent level. maybe he was a little like I am afraid I would have been in the situation. Overwhelmed.

Anyway. A tip of the hat to you this fine day. I am certain his reaction is from his guilt, but it is an easier reaction to strike than to reflect. I personally would be extremely concerned for you if you DIDN'T care for the kids still.

Bill


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## Lon

Limping said:


> I also wanted you to know how much respect you have earned in my eyes. I have read many of your postings here and every time I seem to gain more awe of your capabilities as a woman. Now that I know you were the primary caregiver for 9 children... I cannot imagine leaving a woman that could accomplish that at even a decent level. maybe he was a little like I am afraid I would have been in the situation. Overwhelmed.
> 
> Anyway. A tip of the hat to you this fine day. I am certain his reaction is from his guilt, but it is an easier reaction to strike than to reflect. I personally would be extremely concerned for you if you DIDN'T care for the kids still.


:iagree:


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## raising5boyz

Thank you so much! What a great compliment! 

I think he does rely on me when he has no one else to rely on. I dont think I rely on him like that .....but I shouldn't let what he says affect me so much either. 

But really....THANK YOU!  That made my day!


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## applelemon

nice777guy said:


> Is there any way to reach out to their mother? When was the last time you talked to her?
> 
> Not really suggesting a this point - just asking if that's any type of an option.


No, I don't think that is a good cause.

My friend has been a foster parent for 10 years. Her last foster daughter lived with her for almost 3 years, she was 3 when she came to her and even called her Mama XXX. She was devastated when they decided to move her. I know this is not exactly a good comparison, but unless you fear that the children's lives are in danger, I would not contact them (Especially not their biological mother). As my friend always puts it, "you need to find the cut off point or you can't help the other kids who are with you now."


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## hesnothappy

r5bz, as I read this it is a mirror to my situation. I have loss connection to my step daughter of 3 years and I miss her truly. She lived with me more than her mom and her daddy was a daddy...if you know what I mean. But she has not contacted me since they left and it makes me sad to think of how she is doing. Her momma was trifling at best..that is why they took her and gave her to her daddy and extension me. I will not try to contact her.....anymore ;o) as my attempts did not go well. She is confused and hurting too I am sure...but she is theirs and I must accept that and move on to the next good things in my life. I will forever love her and what she added to my life...no one can take my memories from me. And that will have to be enough till she wants more. God's blessings on all of us hurting.


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