# Do I just let him go??



## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

So my husband is having a Emotional affair with a co worker cause he was not happy at home. we have 3 kids, 7 years on us. I am pregnant. He stayed with me last night, we kissed, had sex and i thought we were fine. he said he loved me. Well,today at work he tells me he just needs to move out!! what?? That he wants to try to be with the other woman to see if he is happy. This is crazy!! That he didnt feel a huge connection between us YET he gets so excited if i even lay by him! What do i do? DO i just stop trying and let him go? Do i forget about counseling and get legally separated? I love him soo much, he sends me mixed messages but i wont deal with him with another person. I dont know what to do, pleasssse someone give me advice. I try and say everything i can to make him stay and i finally got him to last night and we had a good time together then BAM this today. im confused and hurt so bad. who elses life has this happened to?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

You have to be willing to lose a marriage to save it. 

Actions speak louder than words. Don't TELL him how it is, SHOW him how it is. 

It seems to me, if I've read it all and correctly, he knows what he has and is being seduced by his own feelings, (attraction for this posOW) 

Tell him how you feel. Set your boundaries and tell him if he doesn't stop, it's over! Let it be at that. Don't say anything else. 

If he fails, File! You can stop the Divorce process at any time of your choosing. If this slaps him in the face hard enough and comes out of it, great! Stop it and work on your marriage together. 

If not, let him go! This will mainly cut your heartache time into a much shorter time. 

However, if he wants to come back, SET your boundaries again! Tell him to MC is a must, No Contact letter to OW is a must! With PROOF, know without a doubt that it's done. Don't rugsweep the problem. It must be dealt with. 

This won't be, and SHOULD not be a quick fix. It's done. It's going to take a lot of work, and heavy lifting on his end, if he doens't prove without a shadow of a doubt that he has completely turned around and becomes devoted to you.... let it be. 

My opinion, based on what I've observed others telling their advice, and from me being on the sidelines of other situations. 

Good luck, I'm sorry you're here but glad you found us.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ohh, and it being a co-worker, IMO, it is PERFECTLY ok to request he change jobs. 

My opinion only.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Ohh, and it being a co-worker, IMO, it is PERFECTLY ok to request he change jobs.
> 
> My opinion only.


I told him that. He says i need to get over it and be ok to move on. This coming from a man that has always loved me and this is out of nowhere. I told him the marriage counselor said he needs to cut off contact with her and focus on us. He told me today he wants to be with her and see if she makes him happy. I have literally said all i can say about everything and after him being with me last night i thought we were on track but today he feels a lost connection with us. I wont handle him leaving me for someone else, he said he would NEVER do this to me and wala he lied. So i guess i have to file then even though i dont want to.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can make it known to him where your limits are. It's not okay for him to ask you to bear the emotional risk and costs involved with him finding out if someone else makes him happy. You have every right to draw the line and to do what you have to do to provide for your own emotional and financial security, and that of your children.
You can let him put those costs of him 'exploring' on you, or you can choose to frame things where he will need to bear the costs 100% of his 'exploration.' That kind of statement on his part, honestly sounds like he wants to be a cake-eater. Well, that's just not part of marriage. If you're married, you don't get to 'try out' another relationship in the context of things...he agreed to work out problems within the marriage first...if he's not happy he needs to figure out if it's him or if it's the relationship between you and him. If he thinks he's going to be "made" happy by a woman, any woman, it sounds like your relationship would be doomed anyway, since you'd have to become seriously co-dependent and then with no chance of making him happy anyway. 

Sorry you have to deal with a big baby with a little one on the way.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

When a spouse talks about moving out or divorce the worse thing you can do is reward him with sex hoping to win him back, It just tells him if he keeps up the pressure of leaving he will be rewarded.

In most cases when a man is interested or even lusting after another women, they are still terrified of taking that leap. Leaving everything they've known for so long for the unknown. Change is difficult so usually the man will try and keep his options open. In other words say and do the right things to keep you waiting in the wings as plan B. 

Cheating spouses always lie, always continue saying they love you, They wiggle and squirm their way around being truthful with anyone, especially themselves. You can usually tell how far a affair has gotten when they become overly defensive or secretive. 

You have to not plead or beg him to stay or show any emotional weakness. That is a turn off for most people. Go about your business as if your perfectly happy and make him see what he is losing in you. Work on bettering yourself with the intent you are doing it for someone else or to find someone you deserve: A better man.

I can guarantee this is not a easy decision for him and you will make it easier for him to leave by always being there when he wants to make love, hug, kiss, talk etc. Or telling him through actions or even words that you are waiting in the wings for him to come back.

I agree with Dewayne. Don't let him dictate this stuff on his terms. If he wants to screw around then he just lost the best women out there: You. And it will take a lot of work and redemption for him to ever get you back.

Ultimately it is his decision and you can only affect it so much by your actions. I hope things turn out good for you.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> When a spouse talks about moving out or divorce the worse thing you can do is reward him with sex hoping to win him back, It just tells him if he keeps up the pressure of leaving he will be rewarded.
> 
> In most cases when a man is interested or even lusting after another women, they are still terrified of taking that leap. Leaving everything they've known for so long for the unknown. Change is difficult so usually the man will try and keep his options open. In other words say and do the right things to keep you waiting in the wings as plan B.
> 
> ...


Thank you. You are totally right. He said things will be hard and he has thought of me and the kids but he has to do what makes him happy. And it wont, but theres nothing more i can say to help him listen. Should i be waiting for him while he is hurting me or should i file papers or just go on with my life even though im dieing inside. I have no idea. I feel lost and totally confused by his mixed feelings towards me. I love him a lot and to think of him with someone else makes me nuts.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Thank you. You are totally right. He said things will be hard and he has thought of me and the kids but he has to do what makes him happy. And it wont, but theres nothing more i can say to help him listen. Should i be waiting for him while he is hurting me or should i file papers or just go on with my life even though im dieing inside. I have no idea. I feel lost and totally confused by his mixed feelings towards me. I love him a lot and to think of him with someone else makes me nuts.


 I totally understand. My wife told me she loved me and would never leave me and was my world. Then she found someone else and all of a sudden I was 2nd in her life. Its normal to be highly emotional. This kind of thing really does feel like someone ripped out your heart. I makes you devastated, confused, sad, lost, empty, mad, frustrated etc. The range of emotions is all over the place, but its perfectly normal. 

You will find a ton of people on here who have been exactly where you are now and get some of the best advice you can on this forum. Much of it comes from books and therapists and is relayed here. Plus you will find a lot of people, like me, who are experiencing these same issues and it helps to have someone to talk to that understands where you are coming from. It also helps to have a outlet to speak your mind, ask questions and just have someone to talk to.

Look around the forums for the 180. The idea is to do the opposite of what you feel like doing. You want to make yourself more attractive in his eyes so he realizes what he is losing. Make yourself the women he fell in love with. Which means not to break down and cry and beg for him not to leave. That is not attractive and has the opposite effect. It will only cause him to say stuff to make 'you' feel better, but it won't fix the problem. There is a lot more to the 180. You will hear a lot about it.

It should be a Sticky thread on this forum since it is discussed so much. See if you can find some info. I think there is a thread called the 180.

It may not fix your marriage, but in the end it will help you. You need to step back and think of yourself and put yourself first.

Hang in there. I know this is tough.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, Pinkk. You have enough going on in your life right now, growing a baby, without having to deal with being married to a teenager, too. You've gotten a lot of great advice here.

I did everything you did when my STBXH wanted to leave. I didn't know about the 180 or TAM at the time. I wish I had -- it wouldn't have changed him at all, but it would have helped me to move on sooner, and get done with it faster.

Go ahead and file. You can always cancel a divorce or remarry each other later on. But he needs to see the consequences of his choices. He will be paying child support for 4 children, possibly also spousal maintenance (don't know your situation), and he's going to have to rearrange his life around a co-parenting schedule. That will cut into his 'make me happy' time. Guys like him rarely think of things like that when they consider breaking up their family to have fun. 

Give him what he wants -- his 'freedom.' (I used quotes because they aren't free -- they are jumping right into another relationship, and often the OW puts more demands on the guy than the wife ever did)

Whatever you do, and no matter how lonely you feel, don't have sex with him again until she is out of the picture. It will not do anything to make him come back, but it _will_ mess up your emotions even more than they are. 

And I would get an STD test. You cannot afford to catch anything, it could affect the baby. Demand that he get a test, too. I don't care if he says they didn't do anything. Let him know you're getting tested. What he's doing is sleazy and tawdry, and he should be treated that way.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

What's the saying: Make your #1 - your #2 and watch them chase after you. 
It may apply here.


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