# Partner with PTSD... pointers, tips?



## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

Good morning all,

Does anyone here have any experience with a relationship with someone who has PTSD?

My wife was assaulted several years ago (before we married) by someone she knew - this person engaged into a physical altercation with her and they nearly killed each other before the guy just up and left. this left my wife with a certain level of paranoia, and some heavy duty PTSD - add to that some head injuries that took place during the altercation and what we have as an end result can be, at times difficult to deal with - and partly (i believe) it is because of my inexperience with a situation like this.

I met her about 20 years ago when we were both teenagers but we never dated, as time went on we both went out separate ways and not until a few years ago we got in touch with each other through a mutual friend, started dating and eventually got married late last year. She is currently taking medication for the anxiety but i wanted to see if anyone could give me some pointers with living with someone with PTSD.

I know it cannot be a cakewalk but i would like to see if anyone has had experience with living/marrying/being in love with someone with PTSD that could may be give me some pointers on how to help them!

Our relationship is awesome - i just want to be able to be more supportive in ways that help her when the bouts with PTSD come up


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I can help. I have, myself, been traumatized and- firstly- it's very very sweet that you want to help and you're taking initiative to do so and your wife should count herself very, very lucky.

Secondly... whoof, where to begin.

Figure out what her triggers are- things that remind her of what happened to her. Some triggers might just make her feel all creepy-crawly and squeamish. Some of them might make her a little emotional. Some might startle her. Some might send her into a full-blown panicky, screaming, sobbing, incoherent mess wherein she literally thinks she's back at the time and place the trauma occurred. Ask her- on a good day when she's feeling fine!- about her triggers. If she tenses up when you ask her, "Does ____ trigger you?" that's probably a yes. If you think something might be a trigger, but you don't know and you don't think it's a good time to ask her, assume it is. 

Once you've figured out her triggers, act accordingly. This usually means to approach the issue gently. Very gently. And if you can, always ask her if she wants to be exposed to a trigger before you expose her: "I read that this movie has a rape scene. You're sure you want to watch it with me?" And if she says yes, and triggers during the rape scene, ask her if she wants to turn it off. 

If she wants to avoid her triggers, for the most part let her. It's not your job to play exposure therapist. However, if she's not currently seeing an actual therapist and her reactions to being triggered or her efforts to avoid triggering stuff are extreme. Ask her gently if she'd consider getting help. Approach this gently, and don't accuse her of being "irrational" or "crazy" or anything: "I know dogs frighten you, and I'm rather concerned about how scared you get around them. I can see that our neighbor's chihuahua terrifies you. Do you think maybe getting therapy might make it easier to live next door to Paco?"

If she triggers in public, hold her hand. Maybe stroke it. If you're close, maybe whisper something soothing in her ear. Tell her she's safe with you.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I came out of the Vietnam War with PTSD. I would dream and punch my wife in the middle of the night thinking she was the enemy or when she tried to wake me up in the morning. Poor women had a bruised forehead when I woke up in time to move the point of impact of my fist. She used to hold a pillow over her face when she woke me up. I have been on anti anxiety medications for about 40 years now. 

I currently take medications for depression and anxiety. They have helped me a lot. The turning point for me was accepting the use of medication to control my anxiety. Over time it got better. I rarely even think about the things that happened long ago. I still have some problems, but I have led a good life. Throwing myself into my career helped a lot too. It took up much of my time and gave me other things to think about. I wish you luck with your wife. 

I sometimes teach women how to shoot guns and self defense. Some were victims of violence by strangers and exes. Nothing turns a liberal into a stout believer that we are responsible for our own safety, then being exposed to violence. It is easy to say ban guns when you have never had to learn the hard way that the police cannot help you when you need them. They just cannot be everyone at once.

I will suggest that you talk to your wife about taking some sort of self defense class and/or learn to shoot and carry a gun, if legal where you live. My wife carries a gun and feels much safer for doing so. Just basic non gun self defense courses can build confidence and that is a big help. Pepper spray is also an option if trained how to use it. I wish the both of you luck and if you work on it, PTSD does not have to take over your lives.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kukuy said:


> Good morning all,
> 
> Does anyone here have any experience with a relationship with someone who has PTSD?
> 
> ...


I suffer from PTSD after being involved with an assault, if you read my posts there are a few when I talk about it. Anyway it's difficult because your body reacts like you are still in the moment when you are not. There is no predictor at least for me, one minute I am find the next boom my heart is racing. It can also lead to aches and pains in your body for no real reason. Mine is usually in my stomach. For a long time I had hyper vigilance, eventually I just keep quiet about that. That has gone away with time. I am about 10 years out. I also took medication for a long time. I don't anymore and I may trigger a little more then when I was on it but not enough to keep me on the meds.

So when she triggers the best you can do is to keep her grounded, help her feel safe and again this is her body reacting not her actually going through any danger. It's not fun, but you get used to it. For me it's very rare when I trigger anymore. Normally I need to be under prolong stress before hand. And even then it's only for a few moments, I no longer feel afraid because I know what is going on, so I just ride it out. I am usually tired afterwords, it kind of feels like I ran a marathon. 

There used to be specific things that reminded me of the event and trigger me but that was only for the first few years. Then it just became a sudden panic attack, again I believe this is chemical because that only happens when I am under a prolonged period of stress like a big even at work. I suspect my brain is damaged (others on here probably agree >) or over worked maybe to compensate for the injury in some way, so it can't keep up producing enough serotonin when I am under stress. 

It's a hard deal. Good luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does her PTSD manifest? That is important to know.

My father had PTSD from WW2. If you woke him from his sleep, he would come out of it trying to beat you up. So we kids used things like broom sticks to wake him up. That way we were far enough away to run off before he got his fight on.

I have PTSD from some things that happened to me. If anyone comes up behind me when I'm concentrating it will jump and scream. At work people learned to never enter my office without knocking first. There is more to it than that, but just letting me know that they are approaching keeps me from going down the pit of PTSD.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has she been diagnosed with it? What are her symptoms.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How does her PTSD manifest? That is important to know.
> 
> My father had PTSD from WW2. If you woke him from his sleep, he would come out of it trying to beat you up. So we kids used things like broom sticks to wake him up. That way we were far enough away to run off before he got his fight on.
> 
> I have PTSD from some things that happened to me.* If anyone comes up behind me when I'm concentrating it will jump and scream. *At work people learned to never enter my office without knocking first. There is more to it than that, but just letting me know that they are approaching keeps me from going down the pit of PTSD.


Get your hearing aid fixed. I have snuck up on you dozens of times.

Um, no response. 

Maybe I will put those metal heel "U" plates on the heels of my shoes...... the type the hoods wore in the 50's. 

Avatars are stealthy beings, Eh?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I too have PTSD...what else is new.

I religiously Conceal Carry. 

Have license will travel....Paladin II, three, four, ka-blooey.


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## Nugget (Apr 29, 2017)

Learn her triggers and do your due diligence to avoid them. Ask her to look into EMDR therapy. It helps.


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## Lostsoul78 (Mar 20, 2018)

I have PTSD and my wife left me to be polyamorous as I was struggling every day. I tried to kill myself last week on our anniversary. She doesn't care and didn't care what I was going through and whatI struggle with each day. Give her time to heal and be there for her. I know it can be hard and I know it can be difficult but her mind and body are not aligned and that causes problems. Give her a chance to get better because you will regret it of you don't.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have PTSD from being beaten as a child and raped in college, and I have a very good friend with PTSD from serving, and here are my tips. 

First, PTSD is when something happens in the present that sets off the memory in your head as if it is happening right now. So in a way, you relive the traumatic experience all over again. As an example, if someone swings a baseball bat on my right side and I just see it out of the corner of my eye, inside my head it's like a blip and then I am back to being a little girl with my parent swinging a broom handle at me to hit me. Immediately I duck (even though in the present I am completely safe), I might curl up in a ball, and I get that "fight or flight" feeling of being super afraid, and I might do other physical things like shake or cry. So just bear in mind that PTSD feels like in your mind and in your body you are reliving the thing that scared you so much. 

Second, usually if you ignore it, it does not go away. It may lessen somewhat, but it won't go away. If you face it and deal with it, you can learn how to recognize it and maybe learn some coping techniques, but even then it does go all the way away--it's just a LOT better and a lot further between episodes. As you learn how to catch yourself at it and deal with it better, then it can get quite a bit less. 

Third, not everyone has identifiable triggers. In my life I've triggered over someone raising a hand, catching a swinging "something" out of the corner of my eye, the pattern of an old couch in a Goodwill, and the smell of the cologne my parent was wearing when they'd hit me. Sometimes the triggers get you--sometimes they don't. So if you can identify some and avoid them, cool! But if you can't, just know that sometimes it's just "something" and that's what sets off the memory and the physical reaction. 

Finally, for me what REALLY, really works is being very mindful of the senses in the present--almost like I'm telling myself "I'm HERE now and not back there. I'm an adult and safe now, and not a child. It's okay." Right? I specifically look for something to see that's beautiful...in the here and now (is there a flower or a cloud or a beautiful tree?). I look for something to smell--hopefully something pleasant but honestly, stinky also works! It's gets you present! LOL I look for something to touch/feel that's soft and safe (like a teddy bear or sometimes just a really soft fabric). I look for something to taste that warm and soothing (mint tea if possible!). I look for something I can hear that I enjoy that is comforting (music, but not Jimi Hendrix--more like old 70's James Taylor type stuff). 

Now with my friends, I make the effort to see if I can distinguish any triggers. As an example, if I notice that a topic is touchy or painful, I am very gentle if I have to bring up that topic. If I notice a certain song is a trigger, you know what? I choose not to listen to that song--there are thousands of others! But usually I just accept that many of the triggers are going to be unknown and one of us is going to trip all over it and set of a little landmine. In that instance there's a couple things: a) Even if they are freaking out, make sure they are in a place that really is physically safe in the here and now. They most likely will have a bit of a meltdown so put them in a place that's private and where they can do what they need to do. b) If you can, do some things that bring them back to here and now (touching in a way that's safe like holding hands or a hug) or if that's not cool let them do what they have to do. The hardest for me is walking away leaving them alone to deal with it, but it is their own deal so do what they ask. I personally do walk away and do what I can "standing guard" so they can be alone and uninterrupted. c) Have some faith they can deal with it. Okay it's hard to see someone you care about really shook up, but then again, they're adults and personally responsible. Yep, be there to help how you can, but sometimes the very best thing you can do is say "I know you've got this and trust you." So believe in her.


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