# Ripple effects of sexless marriage



## CamoTim (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi, I'm a first time poster here.
I am just about to my 20th wedding anniversary. My wife is my friend and I care about her very much. If you met her you would say she is one of the nicest people you ever met.

Shortly after getting married, the sex began to wane. I think it was somewhere around the 2 week mark if I remember correctly, maybe three weeks tops. It was just to get me to marry I'm guessing. She doesn't dig it. Never really had a desire in that area. Through the years of frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, I actually grew to find her unattractive, not sexy, not beautiful, and I actually looked away when she got undressed. I seriously doubt she ever noticed because I wouldn't be so rude to make it obvious.

My contributions around the house shouldn't be an issue because I do all the cooking and grocery shopping and work full time. She works part time and does the majority of house cleaning except for vacuuming which I do. So I think we do a good job of balancing that. 

We have two wonderful kids. I stay for them. I'm sure I will probably end up staying until the youngest turns 18. I've heard all the conversations about how that isn't a good idea but never actually read anything conclusive on this subject. I really don't know what to do.

Another issue is that once in a while over the last couple years she has wanted to play. I often can't perform because I don't find her remotely attractive. If we turn off the light and I think of any of another 100 women in my life, it works fine as long as she doesn't say anything. One word though and I remember it is her and it the deal is off.

The third issue is that lately my views of marriage have changed. I would like to see my son and daughter go to college, get a good job, get a starter house, then find a mate. But don't get married. Just be together and if/when the good doesn't outweigh the bad, just put their stuff on the lawn and change the locks. I don't agree with going and getting permission from the state to actually leave you spouse. As I step back, I feel this is a pretty jaded view of relationships. I know I will never marry again. My wife is asking me to renew our vows. That is too much for me, there is no way I will do that. I'm here, I participate, I wake up next to you in the morning, I don't party, I make a great living and all I want at this point (at the bare minimum) is for the next 12 years to be as least miserable as possible.

She is a better mom I think than I am a dad. She is very patient with them.

My main outlet recently and I don't think I did it out of spite or resentment, is that after a 14 year break in service, I went back into the Army Reserves. I really enjoy getting away from her for the one weekend a month. And we have quite a bit of training that lasts from a few weeks to a couple months. It is kind of like getting divorced without all the headache. I always regretted getting out. I got out because she really wanted me to. Now I am back in and loving it. And when I retire, I'll get medical, retirement, and use of the commisary. Funny thing is I was a total desk jockey before and she wanted me to get out because she was worried about me. Now I'm in a special ops unit.

Sorry for the long rambling rant. Not sure I can boil this down to a concise question here but there are a few tumbling around in my head. Stay or go? How jaded is my perception of marriage and is that bad? 

Oh, one more thing, the issues in bed are with me. I always thought that lasting a long time was a good thing. She can't stand it. I can last for well over an hour. The other issue is her body never really quite got used to my size. And delivering with a Csection didn't help matters.

Nice guys finish last is I guess is the lesson to be learned here.


----------



## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

CamoTim said:


> Hi, I'm a first time poster here.
> I am just about to my 20th wedding anniversary. My wife is my friend and I care about her very much. If you met her you would say she is one of the nicest people you ever met.
> 
> Shortly after getting married, the sex began to wane. I think it was somewhere around the 2 week mark if I remember correctly, maybe three weeks tops. It was just to get me to marry I'm guessing. She doesn't dig it. Never really had a desire in that area. Through the years of frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, I actually grew to find her unattractive, not sexy, not beautiful, and I actually looked away when she got undressed. I seriously doubt she ever noticed because I wouldn't be so rude to make it obvious.
> ...


To which nice guy are you referring?
The poor woman wants to renew vows with a man who finds her repulsive but claims to be her friend and cares about her very much?
I'd tell her to run.


----------



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Stay or go?

Well, looking at it one way, you've allowed your marriage to go on two decades with no sex and without having the cojones to try to motivate your wife to do something to make herself more attractive to you. You seem like the polar opposite of me.

Just so you can see the difference, here has been my experience.

I have always had the habit, as bad as it may be, of trying to mold women into my perfect vision of a woman. While this always seems to start out well, inevitably, it seems to lead to bitterness and the results seem to be short term rather than sustainable.

But, I will say that it has never ever led to a sexless relationship and even with my ex-wife, in the middle of our divorce, she went away with me for an out of town getaway and we had sex all weekend after my head was all messed up after my first post-separation girlfriend and I broke up after 3 months of dating.

My only other serious girlfriend (prior to my second marriage) spent an unforgettable evening having sex with me while we were on a "3 week timeout" and it was the last time we ever saw each other.

Now, in my second marriage, our major issue is that we only have sex 4-5 days a week while in the beginning, we had sex daily or twice daily.

I have never let it be an option to be in a sexless relationship or to be in a relationship for long with a woman I was not attracted to physically. My first wife went from a little chunky when I met her (about a size 10), down to a size 4, but then at the end of the marriage ballooned to a size 18/20 and I was not going to stick around for that.

If you don't set the bar very high, well, then a woman is not going to jump very high, if at all, to clear that bar. Set the bar too high, and you will get resentment, as I have gotten, but, at least while it lasts, you may mostly get what you are looking for be it regular sex, an attractive woman or whatever.

Barring a miracle, I don't think much will change in your marriage after 20 years, but if you do move on and get divorced, you definitely need to set the bar higher and chances are that some woman out there will be willing to try to meet your expectations, providing you can also meet her expectations, whatever that may mean.

I have one unwavering belief and that is two people are with each other because that is or was the best they could possibly do. If either one of the two could have done any better, they would have dropped that other person in a heartbeat. But, the good news is that it is not a death sentence...so, if you believe you can do better than your wife and you are not at all attracted to her, then you should definitely move on providing it is economically possible and you are able to maintain your relationship with your children. 

That sounds pretty bad that she cannot even make a sound or else you're unable to perform and the room must be pitch black! I wouldn't want to live like that for another month, yet less the rest of my life. I don't like it when my wife gains 5 pounds or goes an extra couple days without a mani/pedi...but, again, I have kept my expectations high and have not given much ground...give an inch and they'll take a yard...isn't that the saying?


----------



## CamoTim (Dec 20, 2011)

The nice guy is the one that stays for the kids. An a$$hole would have left when she announced two months into the marriage that she really wasn't into sex very much and could we just cuddle. And even that now she isn't interested in.
I stay mostly because she is a nice enough person that she would probably marry again quickly. And I'm sure she would pick a good guy. Then she would pull this crap on him and he would leave her in a heartbeat. Thereby yanking this good guy from my kid's lives because she "isn't into that icky stuff" meaning intimacy and sex.
And I stay because I made a vow and a promise and I'll stick with it if it is in my power.


----------



## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

If this started 2 to 3 weeks after getting married and you said 2 months in to the marriage that she really wasn't in to sex very much, then why did you stay at that point and then continue on and have kids?
It sounds to me like she told you the score pretty early on (albeit too late in that you'd already married) and that you could've gotten an annulment before spending 20 years in a near sexless marriage in to which you brought children and created a lot of resentment towards her.

I think you're being a bigger @sshole now to be honest, by whining about your predicament when you knew full well 20 years ago what you were in for.

For the record, I don't think you would've been an @sshole 20 years ago for leaving because you learned that something so important as sex was going to be denied you for the rest of your life.

It isn't "nice" when you're not being honest either with yourself or others.
So maybe that's why "nice guys finish last". 
They don't speak up about what they really need.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Camotim,
Your youngest is 6? So you have 12 years left?
Why on earth did you choose to have a second child when you were already 14 years into a sexless marriage?


OTE=CamoTim;521507]Hi, I'm a first time poster here.
I am just about to my 20th wedding anniversary. My wife is my friend and I care about her very much. If you met her you would say she is one of the nicest people you ever met.

Shortly after getting married, the sex began to wane. I think it was somewhere around the 2 week mark if I remember correctly, maybe three weeks tops. It was just to get me to marry I'm guessing. She doesn't dig it. Never really had a desire in that area. Through the years of frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, I actually grew to find her unattractive, not sexy, not beautiful, and I actually looked away when she got undressed. I seriously doubt she ever noticed because I wouldn't be so rude to make it obvious.

My contributions around the house shouldn't be an issue because I do all the cooking and grocery shopping and work full time. She works part time and does the majority of house cleaning except for vacuuming which I do. So I think we do a good job of balancing that. 

We have two wonderful kids. I stay for them. I'm sure I will probably end up staying until the youngest turns 18. I've heard all the conversations about how that isn't a good idea but never actually read anything conclusive on this subject. I really don't know what to do.

Another issue is that once in a while over the last couple years she has wanted to play. I often can't perform because I don't find her remotely attractive. If we turn off the light and I think of any of another 100 women in my life, it works fine as long as she doesn't say anything. One word though and I remember it is her and it the deal is off.

The third issue is that lately my views of marriage have changed. I would like to see my son and daughter go to college, get a good job, get a starter house, then find a mate. But don't get married. Just be together and if/when the good doesn't outweigh the bad, just put their stuff on the lawn and change the locks. I don't agree with going and getting permission from the state to actually leave you spouse. As I step back, I feel this is a pretty jaded view of relationships. I know I will never marry again. My wife is asking me to renew our vows. That is too much for me, there is no way I will do that. I'm here, I participate, I wake up next to you in the morning, I don't party, I make a great living and all I want at this point (at the bare minimum) is for the next 12 years to be as least miserable as possible.

She is a better mom I think than I am a dad. She is very patient with them.

My main outlet recently and I don't think I did it out of spite or resentment, is that after a 14 year break in service, I went back into the Army Reserves. I really enjoy getting away from her for the one weekend a month. And we have quite a bit of training that lasts from a few weeks to a couple months. It is kind of like getting divorced without all the headache. I always regretted getting out. I got out because she really wanted me to. Now I am back in and loving it. And when I retire, I'll get medical, retirement, and use of the commisary. Funny thing is I was a total desk jockey before and she wanted me to get out because she was worried about me. Now I'm in a special ops unit.

Sorry for the long rambling rant. Not sure I can boil this down to a concise question here but there are a few tumbling around in my head. Stay or go? How jaded is my perception of marriage and is that bad? 

Oh, one more thing, the issues in bed are with me. I always thought that lasting a long time was a good thing. She can't stand it. I can last for well over an hour. The other issue is her body never really quite got used to my size. And delivering with a Csection didn't help matters.

Nice guys finish last is I guess is the lesson to be learned here.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

your youngest is 6 and the C-section is still an issue?? she never got used to your "size"? It sounds like you are looking for reasons to leave.

If you are thinking about leaving in 12 years, well that gives you alot of time to make some changes and try to turn things around for you and your wife. don't sit and look at your watch waiting for your kid to turn 18.. either get out now or commit to make it better. Once every 2 weeks is better than some people here are getting, maybe slightly better than 'sexless.' 

However, based on this,


> Another issue is that once in a while over the last couple years she has wanted to play. I often can't perform because I don't find her remotely attractive. If we turn off the light and I think of any of another 100 women in my life, it works fine as long as she doesn't say anything. One word though and I remember it is her and it the deal is off.


well, that sounds pretty bad, and maybe not entirely her fault. don't you think she's fully aware of this, and that it might make her less attracted to you?

I really don't understand the c-section thing though. it sounds like you just don't love her, end of story.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This is rather a surprising post. You seem to be also rather mixed up in what you really want. Most likely your wife is also. Just saying you dont want to be miserable isnt enough. You have to work out first what you really want to be happy. 
Youre not satisfied with your wife, is she with you. When you want she doesnt and when she wants you dont. This does make sense in a way but wont help you further.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CamoTim said:


> The nice guy is the one that stays for the kids. An a$$hole would have left when she announced two months into the marriage that she really wasn't into sex very much and could we just cuddle. And even that now she isn't interested in.
> I stay mostly because she is a nice enough person that she would probably marry again quickly. And I'm sure she would pick a good guy. Then she would pull this crap on him and he would leave her in a heartbeat. Thereby yanking this good guy from my kid's lives because she "isn't into that icky stuff" meaning intimacy and sex.
> And I stay because I made a vow and a promise and I'll stick with it if it is in my power.


But once the kids turn 18, that vow means nothing?

You are all over the board on this. You do nothing about a sexless marriage but harbor and feed your resentment. You clearly love the martyr role, sticking in their for the kids (and implying that you are saving another guy from this horror). You have kids when you are not happy, lie to your wife about your marriage and can't wait to get away from her. You really need to read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Because frankly, you have a$$hole down to a science.


----------



## MEM7 (Jan 2, 2012)

I doubt that your wife is having a very good time when you do have sex. You must be like a statue in the dark. You don't want her to make a sound and don't want to look at her. Gee, must be a great time.

You know, she may be feeling the same way about the marriage as you. She may also be waiting until the kids are 18 to make her getaway. Think about it!

In your situation, nothing is going to change. The only way you would ever leave her is if another woman entered the picture. There is not enough incentive for you to leave. It's easier to just stay the course because there is nothing more compelling for you to go to.

So you have a couple of options here. 

One, TALK to your wife and explain everything you are feeling. At the same time LISTEN TO WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY. You might be surprised. After you both have your say then you can work on the problems. Sex might come back to life in a big way once you start communicating again. You'd be surprised!

Two, you aren't going to leave unless you have a girlfriend to go to. So if that's really what you want, then actively seek out the woman of your dreams. Then when you are deep in love and the sex is good then it will be relatively easy to leave. Relatively because you still have the kids to deal with. But hopefully you can work that out.

Three, you can continue on they way you are. You've already gone 20 years like this so obviously it isn't unbearable.

If I were you, I'd begin with option one. What have you got to lose?


----------



## soc487 (Jul 22, 2013)

A lot of replies here are giving this guy a hard time. It looks like he hasn't left because he is a nice guy and takes his marriage vows seriously ("for better, for worse"), even though there is key element of the marriage that is missing for him. It looks like his way of coping with the rejection in bed is to tell himself subconsciously that he's not attracted to her, so that the feelings of desire for her are diminished. This would make the rejections less hurtful.
The fact that he can "go on for an hour" is perhaps a pointer to this - he's subconsciously avoiding sex with his wife because he knows she doesn't like it. My guess this could be a common result of low-sex marriages.
The problem ultimately lies with her attitude: "not into all that icky stuff". Well, she may not be, but it is a central part of marriage, and by denying it to her husband she is putting him under incredible stress and frustration. Does she expect him to remain faithful? For her, "faithful" means "celibate", and I bet he didn't sign up for that.
This marriage needs a little seeing things from the other side. Search for a book called something like "Sex-starved marriage" - this sees both perspectives and explains why the low-sex partner JUST DOESN'T CARE enough to try to fix it.
It may not be fixable. Staying 12 more years under these circumstances would be a heroic act of loyalty and keeping of marriage vows. THAT's a nice guy.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ok 20 yrs ago things were a little different than they are today..... I think sometimes we forget that. I am even older than him, I am at the 30 yr mark on my anniversary. MC was not really even that common back then and it was a real tabo subject at best back then...and try finding a sex therapist...ha wasn't gonna happen in the good old corn belt of the US. So maybe we should give the OP a buy on the past and deal with where he is today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CamoTim (Dec 20, 2011)

Mineforever, I should be used to acronyms in the Army, but what is MC and OP?

SOC487, I'll look for the book.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

OP is Original Poster, MC is Marriage Counseling. 

You sound like me. Things were fine for several years, but now that the kids are here, all she does is nag me to death. Like you, I find my wife repulsive in a lot of ways (immature, nagging, etc) and our marriage is totally sexless (she could go the rest of her life without sex and be happy with it). Right now, we're incompatible, and I'm only in it for the kids (both under five). It's like I have a roommate that I share a bed with, but we only talk about the kids (there's nothing else to talk about, as we have different sets of interests).


----------



## Strongncuddly (Jul 25, 2013)

My wife's sex drive is so low that i would need a back hoe to dig it up ! I .didn't know this until we got married because unfortunately, we didn't live together first. So, right now, between the nearly no sex, her general overall attitude and the fact that she's really been letting herself go physically to the point where i also try to look away when she's undressed. We have been married for eight years this September, with a year and a half seperation a few years ago, due, in part, to the lack of sex. Needless to say, that in the year and a half we were apart, i hot a LOT of women ! lol Before we decided to get back together, she said that she would work on our sex life...which pretty much hasn't changed. 

I have yet to cheat on her, even though the idea of having a NSA friend sound REALLY good, the opportunity has never presented itself...and when it does, i can't honestly say that i wouldn't indulge because as a female bartender once told my wife "If you take care of your man...someone else will."


----------



## Strongncuddly (Jul 25, 2013)

I meant if you DON'T take care of your man...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I separated from my STBXW about 3 years into our marriage. It lasted for about a week, then we got back together. Never resolved the issues that caused it.

Someone once asked my what my biggest regret was, and I had to tell them that my biggest regret was in coming back to my marriage like that. Everything went back to "good enough", and we trudged along for another 15 years. Yes, there were some good times and good memories. But in the end, the result was the same (leaving the marriage), and there's all sorts of additional things to deal with, like kids, mortgages, etc. If I would have just stayed "gone" way back then, we could have just restarted our lives and hopefully found someone better suited to each of us.

My point is that you staying together after she told you cuddling was her intimacy limit was a typical "nice guy" thing to do. You wouldn't have been an ******* to cut loose then. It would have been the right thing to do, in fact. 

Would you stay if she cheated on you now? If she got pregnant by someone else? Why not? You vowed you would, through all things... 

Anyway... You could also take a look at http://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350. Some people seem to think it's a good decision guiding book.

Good luck, regardless what you decide. And keep in mind, when it comes to the kids... What are you teaching them about a healthy marriage? Is it one where the two partners tolerate living in the same house, never touching or enjoying their time together? And keep in mind... You're not just getting away from your wife for a weekend or a month or whatever your training is. You're also getting away from your kids. Again, be careful what you're teaching them...

C


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

people have too many sexual hang ups due to culture, religion, etc yet tend to marry young and quick. If they put some effort to really find out whom they're marrying, outcomes could be different.

I saw a lot of my colleagues get married and some put incredible effort to plan their wedding, to have the right vows, band, flowers, and the like. Yet basic things go unanswered.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

A sexless marriage affects your self image and this effects your entire life.

Correction of the sexless part of a sexless marriage results in nearly instantaneous improvements in self view, perception of self, the world around you.

It really is a game changer.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Strongncuddly said:


> My wife's sex drive is so low that i would need a back hoe to dig it up ! I .didn't know this until we got married because unfortunately, we didn't live together first. So, right now, between the nearly no sex, her general overall attitude and the fact that she's really been letting herself go physically to the point where i also try to look away when she's undressed. We have been married for eight years this September, with a year and a half seperation a few years ago, due, in part, to the lack of sex. Needless to say, that in the year and a half we were apart, i hot a LOT of women ! lol Before we decided to get back together, she said that she would work on our sex life...which pretty much hasn't changed.
> 
> I have yet to cheat on her, even though the idea of having a NSA friend sound REALLY good, the opportunity has never presented itself...and when it does, i can't honestly say that i wouldn't indulge because as a female bartender once told my wife "If you take care of your man...someone else will."


You've got to be a glutton for punishment to go back to a sexless marriage after being out and having lots of other women a year and a half. Why would you go back? I guess at this point you deserve what you get. I mean you knew what you were going back to. You certainly couldn't have believed she'd change. And even if you did you would have had her on a super short leash. Yet here you are.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

treyvion said:


> A sexless marriage affects your self image and this effects your entire life.
> 
> Correction of the sexless part of a sexless marriage results in nearly instantaneous improvements in self view, perception of self, the world around you.
> 
> It really is a game changer.


I'd agree with you on this, although I wouldn't say it was instantaneous... It took me months before I could accept a compliment from my SO without trying to deflect it with a joke or something, and that's even after I realized what I was doing. It's amazing how much your self confidence and self esteem gets eroded.

C


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

zombie thread


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CamoTim said:


> Hi, I'm a first time poster here.
> I am just about to my 20th wedding anniversary. My wife is my friend and I care about her very much. If you met her you would say she is one of the nicest people you ever met.
> 
> Shortly after getting married, the sex began to wane. I think it was somewhere around the 2 week mark if I remember correctly, maybe three weeks tops. It was just to get me to marry I'm guessing. She doesn't dig it. Never really had a desire in that area. Through the years of frustration, anger, bitterness, resentment, I actually grew to find her unattractive, not sexy, not beautiful, and I actually looked away when she got undressed. I seriously doubt she ever noticed because I wouldn't be so rude to make it obvious.
> ...



Classic bait and switch. When a spouse has good sex while dating and then soon after marriage, the sex drops drastically and their true LD (low sex drive) comes out, making you wonder what's going on and are miserable.

I would have a final talk with her about how important sex is to you. Marriage counseling is a must. And if she still doesn't want to change, either put up with her LD and find things to do for yourself or divorce her and find another woman that has a healthy sex drive. There are many out there.

Your kids are done high school and therefore out of the house, so she has no excuses.

If you live with your gf or bf for 6+ months, its common law and I think under the law, you can still lose half after separation.

Finding that someone who has a similar sex drive and fantasies as yourself is the toughest thing ever. TAM would be gone so fast.....


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Lon said:


> zombie thread


Doh!

C


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Lon said:


> zombie thread


Yes, but the most amazing zombie thread in the history of TAM, perhaps.

After 2 1/2 years, original poster CamoTim actually posted in the revived thread yesterday and it is only his third post overall in TAM. The others came when the thread was initiated. I guess he's been waiting a long time for his thread to be revived.

A status update would be intriguing, Camo, to say the least.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

status report: 2 years into 12 year plan to waste spouse's best years, so far spouse is unsuspecting, her unpleasantness and demeanor has inexplicably increased, object is constantly expressing frustration sadness anger, but yet conditions persist despite lack of nurturing and expressions of affection. Curious, will continue on same course of action, silently observing this humiliating experiment while biding my time until conditions ripen to dispose of object at a time more conducive to my convenience. end report.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A lot of people are saying it won't change but here's the thing... if you don't talk about it, it never will.

First, you have to decide whether or not you want to stay married. You don't like the way she looks, can't really have sex with her. Is there ANY chance you'd stay? Do you really want to stay or are you just looking for someone to tell you it's fine to bail?

If that's the case, I'll tell you. It is perfectly fine to leave the marriage. No one should stay in an unhappy marriage.

But if you feel like you want to stay IF she made changes, then talk to her. Explain everything you said here. Tell her you WANT to stay married but won't if it means being unhappy. Ask for marriage counseling. Ask for fitness training. Outline what it will take for you to stay and ask her what it will take for HER to stay. Assess whether or not each other's requests are reasonable and then work on them. Or not.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Lon said:


> zombie thread


True. But you know what? This type of thread was written yesterday, last week, and last month. Different words, different OP but same sentiments and issues. It never hurts to address them again since some newbie is browsing the threads looking for answers.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Lon said:


> status report: 2 years into 12 year plan to waste spouse's best years, so far spouse is unsuspecting, her unpleasantness and demeanor has inexplicably increased, object is constantly expressing frustration sadness anger, but yet conditions persist despite lack of nurturing and expressions of affection. Curious, will continue on same course of action, silently observing this humiliating experiment while biding my time until conditions ripen to dispose of object at a time more conducive to my convenience. end report.


I disagree that CamoTim is wasting his spouse's best years. It's true that her attractiveness will only decline from this point. But, she has no interest in having sex. Does that really count as him wasting her opportunities for sex?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> I disagree that CamoTim is wasting his spouse's best years. It's true that her attractiveness will only decline from this point. But, she has no interest in having sex. Does that really count as him wasting her opportunities for sex?


No it was said SHE is wasting HIS best years ( 38-50 ) where a man realizes himself, his capabilities and knows he can do it. If someone sets the course for his life to be sexless in this period, he may remain sexless and drive has been molded and shaped down.

If she gets him an expectation of being treated greatly by his relation partner, this will be the expectation and it will richen and bless his life.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Ripple effects of sexless marriage*



PHTlump said:


> I disagree that CamoTim is wasting his spouse's best years. It's true that her attractiveness will only decline from this point. But, she has no interest in having sex. Does that really count as him wasting her opportunities for sex?


Sex is already written off (he is the one turning her down when she initiates and he never initiates because he says he find her unattractive) he has already checked out of the relationship he is just biding his time. What else would you suggest, maybe he look for sex outside the marriage? Prostitutes? Checking out but being too afraid to leave is cowardice, and is wasting EVERYONE'S time. By sticking around the only way he is not wasting time is if he continues to find ways within his marriage to make it work out, to fulfill his needs, his wife's.needs and their sacred vows.

Or he tells it to her as it is and then maybe they both realize they are content with the status quo mutually, maybe they both prefer a sexless marriage with much time apart from each other. But if he doesn't atleast get her consent then he has no place complaining.


----------



## Bheatherto (Apr 7, 2018)

Open4it said:


> To which nice guy are you referring?
> The poor woman wants to renew vows with a man who finds her repulsive but claims to be her friend and cares about her very much?
> I'd tell her to run.


I don’t agree! Of course, I’m a male but also a psychologist and sex counselor. Men certainly need to temper sexual expectations!
But when the expectations are well within the norms, ALL people check out and become resentful. That’s what has happened to
Tim. His resolve to stay 12 years is sadly self-defeating. For her, for him and for the kids, I’d reconsider staying vs going.


----------

