# I think I messed up....



## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

So I think I gave my fiance the wrong impression by telling her that I'm not interested in going places or doing things without her and that I want to share experiences with her. I never said I didn't want her to do things with her girlfriends. I simply stated that I would rather do things with her from my perspective and explained this was just how I thought and that she didn't have to be the same way....and that being different and us accepting each others differences was what made us unique.

She took it all wrong and thinks I'm trying to control her, which simply isn't the case. I just prefer doing things on my own time with her and I realize not everyone is that way.

I've tried to explain but I don't think I'm getting thru. I'm afraid I've made a big mess.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

show her what you just typed here.maybe reading it will help her understand what you really meant.
i always get pretty leary when women (and men) use the sentence You're trying to control me. It never sits right with me for some reason. it makes them sound about 14 years old and very unreasonable.


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

I think the exact phrase was "back me into a corner" rather than "control me". Same thing tho.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

sometimes it takes saying the same thing in 20 different ways before a person finally lets it sink in what you really meant. frustrating but it's all part of everyone's mind working differently.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell her "honey, you're free to think whatever you want".

And never be afraid to state your policies or desires. Be yourself. If she doesnt like you or want you, that's her call.


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

Good advice. 

Although I know it's normal for couples to do things apart (buddy night/girl trip etc), I just prefer spending all of my spare time with her because she's my best friend. Like I said, I never said I had a problem with her going places with her friends. I do trust her. It just seems that her mind can't grasp the concept that I'm not trying to control her or tell her what to do just because I would prefer to spend time with her rather than someone else.

If I went on a fishing trip for three days I'd miss her like crazy and wish I'd stayed home with her.

Maybe I'm the one with the problem/issue but I really don't feel like I'm a co-dependent.

Obviously she and I have to have a talk and get things understood.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Everyone has different needs. My best friend needs lots of socializing and time away from her spouse. If you were to say something like that to her she'd likely run.

Me on the other hand I prefer to spend most of my free time with my husband and thankfully he feels the same about me. He works long hours so that is our time away from each other. We think why add to it? We enjoy each others company and don't feel the need to be apart. Many do and that's great for them. It's just not us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Totally Lost said:


> I just prefer spending all of my spare time with her because she's my best friend.


So does my husband. He doesn't have any friends, either. All he wants is me.

And I hate him for it, and would have left him 15 years ago if I was brave enough.

She isn't the problem here, TL, you are. 

Get this book - easy read, cheap, too: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from www.bettermen.org. It will help you understand that you should NOT be each other's everything. It's not healthy.


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

Thanks and I certainly will check that link out.

It's not that I don't have any friends. I'm actually quite involved in a very active community organization and have many friends that are involved too. I also have a job that at times requires a lot of time and sometimes odd and long hours and sometimes days at a time without seeing her. I also have children from a previous marriage that I spend time with, so it's not like we are together 24/7 or anything like that. 

I actually do have a life outside of her. However, when I have spare time I just like spending it with her. Out of all my friends, she is my BEST friend. I'd rather be with her on the beach than a buddy on the beach because I know I'd have a better time with her even though I know I'd still have an OK time with a buddy.

I will certainly check out the link and give the book a read. Maybe I will learn something and realize things about myself I never knew. Knowledge is a good thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well which is it? You told her you don't want to do anything with her (ouch). No woman would be happy hearing this from a man she is engaged to.

You may want to spend all of your spare time with her, but realize, people have separate lives too. You shouldn't get mad at her if she wants to grab lunch with her girlfriends. Just as she shouldn't get mad at you if you want to grab lunch with your guy friends.

Talk to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great!

How about you find ways for the two of you to be together...with other friends? Invite others over for a barbecue. Start a dinner round-robin. Join a poker club.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Turn, what's a "dinner round-robin?"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is when 4 or 5 couples take turns hosting a dinner at their house, say once a month. Each month it takes place at a different couple's house (or at a restaurant, if everyone agrees). Churches and neighborhood community associations do it a lot as a way for members and residents to get to know each other.


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Well which is it? You told her you don't want to do anything with her (ouch). No woman would be happy hearing this from a man she is engaged to.
> 
> You may want to spend all of your spare time with her, but realize, people have separate lives too. You shouldn't get mad at her if she wants to grab lunch with her girlfriends. Just as she shouldn't get mad at you if you want to grab lunch with your guy friends.
> 
> Talk to her.




No No..I think you've misunderstood. I've not told her I don't want anything to do with her. I have told her I prefer to spend the spare time I do have with her and that I understand if she needs to spend some of her spare time with her friends, and that it's ok. 

My point that hasn't come through is that when I told her I preferred spending my spare time with her she took it to mean that I was monopolizing her, without hearing me say "I understand and am ok with you spending time with your friends too".

I have lurked here for a while and have seen many posts where people say "We spend all our time together" or "We go out alone seperately with friends a lot" and there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong way,,,,it seems to be whatever a couple agrees upon.

I'm simply not one that likes to go out with the guys to a bar anymore (too old for that crap and not much of a drinker anyways) and a lot of my outside the relationship interactions with friends are at lunch during workdays or with the community service group I'm involved in.

I think the suggestion of us having couples friends is a good thing too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Totally Lost said:


> My point that hasn't come through is that when I told her I preferred spending my spare time with her she took it to mean that I was monopolizing her, without hearing me say "I understand and am ok with you spending time with your friends too".


This describes poor communication, something you can definitely read up about. Tons of books on how to communicate better.



Totally Lost said:


> I have lurked here for a while and have seen many posts where people say "We spend all our time together" or "We go out alone seperately with friends a lot" and there doesn't seem to be a right or wrong way,,,,it seems to be whatever a couple agrees upon.
> 
> I'm simply not one that likes to go out with the guys to a bar anymore (too old for that crap and not much of a drinker anyways) and a lot of my outside the relationship interactions with friends are at lunch during workdays or with the community service group I'm involved in.
> 
> I think the suggestion of us having couples friends is a good thing too.


Another great way to spend time with her if she's interested is volunteering together. As for you and your friends, there are a TON of other things you can do besides bars - sports, crafts, classes, leisure classes, I think that, the way she responded to you, it sounds like she doesn't like the way you have turned into a homebody. Something to consider.

Have you done the Love Buster questionnaire yet?


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

Not yet. Not sure that's a site I want to access at work.

As for our communication, it's been great up until this incident. We've been totally open, honest and have shared even deep secrets from our pasts. There's been nothing held back. It was a simple deed of mis-communication that I probably could have phrased differently.

Actually, she'd tell you she is a homebody probably more so than me. In fact, being homebodies is one of the things that attracted us. We're both at a point where we've nearly raised our kids and love the idea of slowing down and staying in.

The root of the problem is that she was in a marriage where she was controlled and she also became co-dependent. I think my comment evoked those old emotions and memories whereas if I'd worded things differently then maybe the misunderstanding wouldn't have happened.

We've talked and I think we both understand now


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

Just tell her you prefer spending time with just her than anyone else, but she can still spend time with whomever she wants. My bf and I both much rather just be together, in fact we'ven't been a day apart for 3 years now, sometimes we do our own stuff but with each other's company, we hang with all the same friends...but we would pick each other any day over any friend.

Just explain to her you're not trying to control her or anything, but if it was a choice and you had choose between hanging with her all the time or anyone else, than it would be her. I thinks its romantic, I love when my bf tells he would rather spend time with me than anyone else.


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## Totally Lost (Mar 26, 2012)

OneLoveXo said:


> Just tell her you prefer spending time with just her than anyone else, but she can still spend time with whomever she wants. My bf and I both much rather just be together, in fact we'ven't been a day apart for 3 years now, sometimes we do our own stuff but with each other's company, we hang with all the same friends...but we would pick each other any day over any friend.
> 
> Just explain to her you're not trying to control her or anything, but if it was a choice and you had choose between hanging with her all the time or anyone else, than it would be her. I thinks its romantic, I love when my bf tells he would rather spend time with me than anyone else.


That's exactly what I did in the first place LOL.


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