# What have I done? Destroyed 2 marriages??



## Lost&hurt (Aug 17, 2009)

This is my first post. I'm so lost, I don't know which way to turn. For the last year, I have caused a lot of pain to a lot of people.... Let me start from the beginning: My husband and I have been together 11 years. We have 3 kids. He has always been wonderful, and faithful~but not always attentive to my needs. I started having an affair with a married man a year ago...(I know this is bad) It was only intended to be a one time thing~he was lonely and so was I. (I know that is not an excuse for an affair.) Right after the first time it happened, the kids and I moved out. I felt horribly guilty. I told my husband we just needed some space. What a cop-out hugh.
Well here I am a year later, still seeing the married man and we have very deep feelings for each other. My husband is somewhat still begging for me and the kids to come home. Then out of the blue, the married man I've had an affair with is now leaving his wife to be with me....OMG! I feel so selfish, and guilty, there are so many thoughts going through my mind. I do want to be with the "other" he gives me the attention my husband lacks. But I do still love my husband, but wonder if it's been to long to reconcile?? I'm so stressed, I'm so upset, and I feel like I've done all of this to myself~ I let this situation get out of control. And now, I may have ruined 2 marriages. I've told both of them to leave me alone, but neither will stop fighting for me. The flames are burning high, and I don't know what to do.....


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ok...first off. There never an excuse for an affair. NOt that i'm coming down on you....but dont think you are worse because the affair was for that reason....YOu did nothing more bad than any other affair.

2nd......just because this man is giving you attention now, does not mean he will four months from now...or years from now or whatever. You have no guarantees. You made a big mistake...but you don't have to keep making it. This is your choice.

I suggest that you try to work out your marriage. If he loves you that much to forgive you and fix this then you really should try...expecially if you still love him....(and it doesn't matter if it's that big in love feeling or not.)

Take time to realize....this guy you are with is married....he is cheating on his wife with you. Do you believe you can trust him....I mean what kind of trust can you have with a liar. I know ...i know...you did it too, but you can choose not to....not to lie or cheat or do this stuff.

3rd....put out the flames. Being all wound up makes you make stupid decisions that will come back to haunt you years later. Passion is intense and usually brief....that too shall pass with this man. You should probably get off to yourself ....see a therapist and sort out the good and bad and right and wrong, then ......move forward. You have to resolve this like an adult and set a mature example for your kids...Life is short....your kids need you to be saine....and healthy. And this is not a healthy situation.

I know this isn't exactly what you might want to hear, but.....please consider it. I don't want you to suffer either. Mistakes are made....but now...choose to do the right thing. Take care Lost&hurt.....and if you need an ear....I'm here.


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## Lost&hurt (Aug 17, 2009)

Thank you DeniseK. You made me cry, which it doesn't take much these days. You are right. About everything you said. I'm so upset that all this has happened. I allowed it to happen, and I know it was wrong and it is still wrong. I'm faced with the problem also, of: what if his wife doesn't want to work on their marriage? She did nothing wrong--he has neglected her because of me. It would be awful if they divorced, and I left him too. Another big issue is, ready for this....he's my boss. This just gets worse doesn't it. Even though with all this stuff, I am still willing and ready to leave this job, never speak to him again and live my life with my husband. The problem is, I am afraid that I am not strong enough to say the words because unfortunately, I do care deeply for him. I feel like some crazy teenager, because once a pon a time, I felt like that with my husband. I want that back, but I'm scared to death. I'm so tired of being hurt, and hurting people. This is a mess....I've dealt with anger, anxiety, depression, this is like a rollercoaster and I'm ready to get off the ride. Normally, I am a saine person! My husband even noticed my mood has changed, and said he still wants to be married to the person I was, not the person I've became in the last year.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I'd say you got sucked in due to weakness, and you saw this guy a lot due to work. He is totally in the wrong, too, as he crossed a professional and moral boundary.

Work on your weakness and promise your DH never to do it again, and go back to DH, as your children deserve a good solid home.

Work with a therapist on your weakness; include your DH so he can learn your weaknesses;
dump OM boss and job - let HIS wife deal with her end; 

Move away and start fresh if you POSSIBLY can, as you don't want temptation near you. Get rid of anything, regarding OM, phone numbers, email addresses, etc. You must pretend he is no longer a living person. Seriously. 

Yes, it hurts letting go of OM, but you *must* if you are to regain any semblance of a normal marriage once again.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I agree with Sandy55. And do not worry about his marriage anymore. It is his problem. You are just the other woman....and you are taking enough blame. If you turn a corner now and get things back on track....then you shouldn't have to worry about his mess. He made the decision....too.

Also....Never a good idea to get involved with the boss even if you are both single. This proves how badly it can end for you. Do what you said....quit the job....move whatever....and be that person your husband loved again.....and he can be that man you loved so much again. It will just take work. marriage is work you know.

Now...talk to yourself like you were a friend. Tell yourself what a jerk the boss is and what he has done is so wrong...both to you and to her. Now....tell yourself that you can do this...its right and its good ....and you will be so proud of yourself when you do it. Don't you want to be proud of yourself again. Put the past behind you....for everyone's sake. And be honest with your husband about your feelings.

And....if things don't work out (but assume they will).....next time..just file for divorce.....get to a point where you are stable on your own....and then find someone else. I know it isn't easy...my husband has neglected me for years.....so bad that everyone already thought I was a single mom. I had opportunities...but I chose to stay faithful....and he cheated. Now...I look back and think.....I deserve better....and when our divorce is final....I'll start looking...eventually. I hate the lonely feeling...but....I have my pride....I have my faith and I have the high ground.

Just remember.....what is done...is done. You can't live with the past in your pocket. Throw it out and face the music....and you will regain your husbands trust.....and hopefully....the marriage will be so strong that you 'll never feel that feeling again.

It takes a lot to admit all of this that you have admitted.....so take that next step. The steps will get easier.....I promise.

Take care....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Excellent DK. Excellent.


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## hagen123 (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh sweetie...I am going to say this in the nicest way possible. Don't worry about the other man. You only care deeply for him. You LOVE your husband. You have children with this man. I recommend you read the book together, The Five Love Languages. It may have saved my marriage but it absolutely helped me understand what I was lacking and needing. If your husband is willing, jump on that and absolutely get counseling. Find a good one...they are hard to come by. You don't want someone who will tell you what to do or put ideas in your head. You want someone to listen to you and advise based on what you are saying and feeling. If you have this much regret and uncertainty go with that, that is where your heart truly is. I don't think you mentioned your husband knows about the affair.If he doesn't, don't tell him, it will only hurt him. I know you probably want to get it off your chest, but that's selfish and only to make you feel better and trust me, it won't make either of you feel better. Now, you need to make the effort to make the marriage work. It's not all up to him to bring the excitement and passion, you can do it too. Communication is key and will lead you to a very happy marriage and a happy family. You obviously still love him, you fell in love with him for a reason and started a family with him for a reason. Don't throw that away because someone else gave you attention. Give him the courtesy of giving you that attention. When you've been married for awhile, it's harder to keep the spark there, so you have to communicate and make an effort too. It's a two way street and I am confident you will make the right choice for you and your family. Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

This thread is almost 3 years old


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lost, 

There is a statistic that you need to know.. only about 2% of affairs last after the partners divorce their spouses. The reason why is that affairs do not meet all of a person's needs. 

What you can expect is that if he leaves his wife for you, he will most likely leave you after a few months. Then you will be left without your husband and without this OM. 

He will move on and you will be a divorced mom raising kids with no one to help most of the time.

Yes I know this is not about raising kids, it's about passion. But the passion will not last. 

Let him and his wife decide what they want to do without your interferrence. And then you and your husband can do the same.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Lost,
> 
> There is a statistic that you need to know.. only about 2% of affairs last after the partners divorce their spouses. The reason why is that affairs do not meet all of a person's needs.
> 
> ...


Ths thread is STILL almost 3 years old... I suspect the original players have moved on somewhat in their lives.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't think many people read the dates on the threads.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Zombiiiie thread
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

yes zombie thread, but it see,s like TAM was a lot more naive and kinder of cheaters than it is today.

Still, I hope her husband wizened up, gut full custody , the house, and chid support, and the outed the affair to hr so they could both were fired. Then she moved into a crappy motel toom where she now has10 cats and lives on peanut butter. That would be what happened if there really was justice in the world.

Their coworkers and families would be so much better off without sleazy cheaters like them around.

She must have really really loved her husband to have lied to him and boot him out of his home so she could continue to bangher married boss.
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