# How to deal with R and the friends who knew about the affair



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I am a Betrayed Spouse. D- day was Oct. 2011. We are currently trying to R. I have a lot of anger directed at our so called mutual friends who knew about the affair and chose to turn a blind eye. I felt like the joke was on me and of course I was the last to know. I even had one of our friends say "we'd been having relationship problems well before my WH chose to cheat." as if that is a legitimate excuse. My husband is insisting we do couples things and we are trying to spend more quality time together, but I don't want to associate with these people anymore. They are obviously not my friends. He is not willing to stop his friendships with them as he feels they were brought onto an ugly situation. The friends also know the OW. So lately he's been seeing them without me, which doesn't help our R. What do I do? How can I be around them without the feeling like there's an elephant in the room. If I choose to not associate with them anymore (which I am leaning towards) I am afraid this will put more stress on the R. Any advice from those who have dealt with this before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Any friends who are not friends of the marriage should be dropped immediately. This should be non-negotiable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your husband and the OW hang out with these people when they were having their affair? Or did these people simply know that the affair was going on?


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

It sounds like he is choosing the friends over you, the BS? 
They certainly don't sound like friends of yours, but they were put in a horrible position by your husband. If you don't feel like you can have him stop their friendship maybe just ask for a break from them while he works on your marriage with you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's not really in R if he is unwilling to dump affair condoning friends.

Seriously, is he e en doing anything in the R, because it sounds like instead if crawling over hit coals to save the am frigate he destroyed, e is negotiating terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

@EleGirl, they did not hang out with OW. They know her and knew the EA/PA was happening. 

@Mamatomany, he already lost most of his friends because of the affair. It was the fallout of his affair. He had no idea how far reaching his affair would go and how many lives it would impact. The friends I am speaking about chose to turn a blind eye, maybe their way of not getting involved. After the affair came to light I realized they are not my friends. I have been avoiding them now that we are in R. 

I think the "friends" who knew of affair and yet chose to remain neutral are the ones I am having a hard time dealing with. I don't feel comfortable being around them, feel like they are laughing behind my back. Why do I feel like I am branded with the scarlet letter? I don't know how to work through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Silverlining said:


> @EleGirl, they did not hang out with OW. They know her and knew the EA/PA was happening.
> 
> @Mamatomany, he already lost most of his friends because of the affair. It was the fallout of his affair. He had no idea how far reaching his affair would go and how many lives it would impact. The friends I am speaking about chose to turn a blind eye, maybe their way of not getting involved. After the affair came to light I realized they are not my friends. I have been avoiding them now that we are in R.
> 
> ...


If he won't give them up, then how about to drive them away.

When around them talk about nothing else then the affair lies and true friends. They will get the point and dump both of you.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If he won't give them up, then how about to drive them away.
> 
> When around them talk about nothing else then the affair lies and true friends. They will get the point and dump both of you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Just make sure that when you do it, you do it in the sweetest and most friendly manner.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

During this fragile time in your marriage, this is not the best time to be social butterflies. Your WH should stay focused on you and the spend time with you and you alone to rebuild what the OW and the the "friends" tore down.

You already know this but your WH doesn't. So I suggest that you inform him how fragile *his* marriage really is, and it will be up to him to do the heavy lifting to keep you around. His current view on his socialization period (doesnt mater who he socializes with) will only deteriorate *his* marriage.

I assume he made the choice to stay and bail on his affair, and with that it is under your terms, correct? Well then now is the time to but a bullseye on his marriage and make his marriage a priority, before you bail on him.

You guys need to reconnect and having a third wheel around is not the way its going to happen. He's going to screw this up and months from now he will be scratching his head on what happend and why you are no longer around.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

They have survived an affair in their own relationship, so yeah, I think they know about lies. They have gone the path of rug sweeping. This is also why I am having trouble dealing with them. My WH has used them as an example, but I feel they are a bad example. It sucks because I never understood her for taking her WH back, yet here I am. i guess it's me with the problem?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know exactly how you feel about these people. Since they did not outwardly condone the affair they and your husband probably feel that they had no skin in the game. But they are wrong.

Your husband leaving you alone to hang out with this crowd is very disrespectful. And again they are taking the no skin in the game angle.

My take on it is that he's not doing enough to make you feel safe, to prove he can be trusted and is not taking care of you propery. My advice is to tell him that it's over unless he takes the recovery of your marriage more seriously.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> They have survived an affair in their own relationship, so yeah, I think they know about lies. They have gone the path of rug sweeping. This is also why I am having trouble dealing with them. My WH has used them as an example, but I feel they are a bad example. It sucks because I never understood her for taking her WH back, yet here I am. i guess it's me with the problem?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like you have part of it figured out... they did it so 'we can too' may be why they said nothing and your WH has reminded you that she was the good wife to take him back. 
You are getting some great advice tonight... You have some "power" here. Decide how you are going to use it...


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Thanks EleGirl, he has been doing way more reassuring, buy will it ever be enough for me? He doesn't want to lose what few friends he has left. I guess it's my insecurities about everything. I mean my whole world was turned upside down and I am now questioning everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

@Mamatomany, WH feels the friends have a stronger relationship after their affair. He also feels if they can survive an affair then so can we. Hindsight, I feel their relationship may have impacted his decision to cheat. On the outside they made it look too easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Silverlining said:


> Thanks EleGirl, he has been doing way more reassuring, buy will it ever be enough for me? He doesn't want to lose what few friends he has left. I guess it's my insecurities about everything. I mean my whole world was turned upside down and I am now questioning everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course you feel insecure. It's his job to help heal that. He's not helping by hanging out with people who you do not feel comfortable with. 

How much time is he spending with this couple?

Now he might not want to lose more friends. But how's he going to feel when he loses his wife to save the friends. 

Another point is that he does not know how well this couple have recovered from their affair. For all he knows they spend all their time along ripping into each other. The point is that you and he have to do what you and he need, not what some other couple is telling him is needed.

Plus you can make new friends as a couple.. go do things that couples do and meet more people.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Really just leave he will likely cheat again that is typically how it works but it is your life. You chose this man and were you are in life because of your own actions for the most part though of course i am sure you did not wish to be betrayed. All in all best of luck i think you should follow what your gut is saying and push aside thoughts of "changing him" its unlikely. 

Those people are not your friends i would not consider them friends but to each is own.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Silver lining---I keep hearing all this crap about what your H. feels, and what your H., wants and what is good for him.

You just do not understand do you???

If you do this properly---your H. doesn't get a say about anything.

This is done by your rules, it is your ballgame, and he either plays it as you want it, or he goes and gets an atty., to defend a D. action---that is the only way to play this out.

You need to tell your H., to either drop the friends that are causing you grief, or GO LIVE WITH THEM., and don't be NICE about it.

In a proper R., your H.is contrite, extremely remorseful, and he does what you want done----after all BUT FOR what he did, we wouldn't even be having this conversation, would we?????

When you say jump, he says how high----that's what must happen, for you to heal, get your self respect back, and your H, to understand what he needs to do, to win you back

This is not about him, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

My OH works with a couple of guys who helped to facilitate the relationship between him and the OW. I knew of them previously but had never met them.

After we started fixing things I found out their role. I was absolutely furious with them. They have worked together for a few years and knew all about me and our family. Yet thought it appropriate to try and matchmake OH and the OW whilst I was at home with three kids and a five-month-old baby.

Me and OH are together a year later and things are good. Yet I know even now that I don't know if I could keep my mouth shut if our paths ever crossed again. I accept he has to still see them at work and that is what it is, but I would never tolerate him socialising with them and certainly they will be coming nowhere near when we get married (a quiet wedding but we have been talking about throwing a party at some point to celebrate.)

I have not specifically outlined this but if at any point he indicated he did not respect my wishes I would show him the door. To me it is an integral part of rebuilding. He does not have to agree with it or even like it but he has to respect it: remember this for your H. He should be doing anything and everything he can to rebuild trust.


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## sameold55 (Feb 13, 2012)

jnj express is right on the money! After 26 years, and 3 rounds of this same game, I am out of time for compromise. If you "settle" for anything less that what it takes to make you feel comfortable again, there will be consequences, trust me. I also "had" some friends that knew and chose not to tell me. We are no longer friends. Sounds like you need to cut you losses and move on. It was a tough decision for me, but one that had to be made. If your spouse was genuinely "sorry" for what has happened, you wouldn't have to ask to exclude the ones that knew. It was a "choice" your spouse made to cheat, and you must remember that every day!!


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