# So ashamed of myself



## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

Husband left me 8 weeks ago (see husband left for ex girlfriend) as he had feelings for his ex girlfriend I filed for divorce a few weeks later and he was arranging a future with her and her children. 
H would not open mail about the divorce or talk with a lawyer until last week then I start getting text messages saying it's all a mistake he never wanted a divorce but he wishes me the best for the future as he wants me to be happy 
On Thursday night we chatted about the divorce and he said here is the draft letter from my lawyer but I don't want it and am only doing it as you did not seem bothered when I left you ( I done the 180).
H was due to go on holiday with his girlfriend and her children on Friday night he said to me Friday morning I don't want to go away I want to stay here I told him I was going away as I had rehomed our dog and was feeling very low, well Saturday he went to her and I sent him a few texts over Saturday as I was feeling quite angry and annoyed that he was telling me it was all a mistake but still went well he said he would be home Saturday week and we could see how we got on. 
I sent him texts saying I want you home now with me I don't want to be divorced, I don't know if I done this out of hurt,revenge or jealousy.
H phoned crying asking did I want him back as he is confused about his feeling for her and me the next thing she texted me saying how much she loves him and is not putting pressure on him to stay with her, it hurt me as he must have given her my number, well he has come home and the reason he has given for all of this is he could have had a child with her (I have had 8 miscarriages) and we don't have children.

I am not sure now how I feel about him, did I ask him to come back out of "well I can hurt him and her like they did to me" and have control of the situation but now I am feeling really ashamed of myself and keep thinking what type of person have I become having stopped him being with someone who loves him and can give him a child and stopped her children having a holiday this week too

Please help me


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think you are being very hard on yourself in a very unfair manner. He is your husband and I doubt he left over children. And pardon my language but who The F cares how she feels. You are his wife. She is nothing. Don't feel sorry for a woman who felt no guilt having an affair with a married man. please don't you dare give her an ounce of consideration. 

everyone can see that you clearly feel guilty and you feel defective. you are not. you didn't ask for any of this. I don't know if you had any counseling or spoken with other women who've had miscarriages but it might help you to know that you're not alone and its not anything you've done wrong and not a bad person you are a good loving wife. 

your husband screwed up and she feels guilty. and that's the way he should feel. but there is nothing wrong with you telling him that you wanted to come home he is your husband. yours not hers not anyone elses he is your husband. 

don't text him to come home. you call him on the phone. don't be shy. Assert yourself. You are allowed to call your husband any time of the day no matter where he is... in fact it is a special rule that you get to call the other woman's home phone. If you show bravery he will know you want him back. 

Get him home!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Sounds like he's asking too much of you and thinking of himself without regard to the emotional turmoil he's inflicted upon you. iDK, to tell you he left because you had multiple miscarriages?! As if that hasn't hurt you enough already? I don't know if I'd buy it or forgive that level of cruelty. You're supposed to adore your wife, not rip her heart out and make her feel less of a woman. I just can't imagine having been treated that way. He's the only one who be ashamed.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

He wants you both. Hes a cake eater.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I would not take him back. He is a liar, he will hurt you again and more, . To tell you that he is confused!! that He does not want a divorce or to leave, and allowing the other woman to contact you. I do not know why you want him back. He will continue to play you. He is making calculation and does not want divorce to make things easy for him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How are You Kylie?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

*Re: So ashamed of myself updated*

Thank you all for your advise

It is very strange here we have to share the house which is strange in it self we talked a bit last night H says he feels guilty towards "girlfriends" children as they had attached to him in 8 weeks! why would a woman allow her children to be around someone she has not seen for 18 years never mind have staying at her home.
H said they had talked about a future together as when he told me he was not in love with me but loved and cared about me that I never asked him to stay or change his mind so because of "circumstance" he said he felt he had lost me so carried on with her.
They had even talked about having a baby and he said that it is something he always wanted and was feeling jealous about family and friends having children and it might be his only chance and that he is very confused about us and her and does not know where he wants to be as he could have a future family with her.

H was really in a bad way yesterday he is not a talkative person at the best of times but was crying saying he could not understand why he was so confused about who he wanted to be with and felt how could we survive together now that he had thoughts of her and that he wants me to be happy.

H bought all his clothes home today that he had in his car since Sunday the "girlfriend" text to say she loved him very much but need to stop kidding herself that he would leave me and that she would walk away if that's what he wanted.
We met different friends today both came back home around the same time, went grocery shopping and had dinner but have still not have talked about if he has made a "decision" of where he wants to be or who with.
I am now more confused than when this first started 8weeks ago I just need to know so I can decide if I want him back.
I just don't know the man sitting before me so different to the man everyone knows and I am not the only one saying this
All advise really welcome please


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: So ashamed of myself updated*



kylie42 said:


> Thank you all for your advise
> 
> It is very strange here we have to share the house which is strange in it self we talked a bit last night H says he feels guilty towards "girlfriends" children as they had attached to him in 8 weeks! why would a woman allow her children to be around someone she has not seen for 18 years never mind have staying at her home.
> H said they had talked about a future together as when he told me he was not in love with me but loved and cared about me that I never asked him to stay or change his mind so because of "circumstance" he said he felt he had lost me so carried on with her.
> ...


He wants you both. Period. His best chance at that is to convince you that he wants to be with you.......he now knows if he stays with her he will loose you. Classic cake eater IMO!


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Just let him go, he is hurting you. he is not good for you.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Being with a cheater before myself....let him go. There will always be that in your marriage, and he likely to do it again. He cannot put the fact that he left to be with the x on you, that was his decision, not yours, so he needs to cut the bs. Now that he is actually thinking about his actions and what he threw away, crying is good for him, but it doesn't mean you need to feel sorry for him. I think everyone is right, he sounds like a cake eater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tell him that if he plans on staying in your home that he needs to cut all contact with the other woman . And that you couldn't possibly consider staying with him if he is still carrying on a relationship in any way. I think its a bad idea for you to synthesize and to let him cry on your shoulder. 

He has no obligation to her or her children. She is a selfish person to use them in this way. Her text to him was self serving. She wants to appear so noble. Funny how she wasn't so noble that she didn't mind sleeping with a married man. 

He is blame shifting when he says since you didn't beg him to stay that he thought you didn't care. He had just told you he didn't love you and he wanted you to plead? He needs his head examined.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

*Re: So ashamed of myself updated*



kylie42 said:


> still not have talked about if he has made a "decision" of where he wants to be or who with.


Leaving this decision up to him just may be the biggest mistake you're ever going to make in your entire life.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Be glad you never had a child with this shallow, calous, weak man. You'd be better off adopting and being a single mom.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

*Re: So ashamed of myself updated*



kylie42 said:


> Thank you all for your advise
> 
> H bought all his clothes home today that he had in his car since Sunday the "girlfriend" text to say she loved him very much but need to stop kidding herself that he would leave me and that she would walk away if that's what he wanted.
> We met different friends today both came back home around the same time, went grocery shopping and had dinner but have still not have talked about if he has made a "decision" of where he wants to be or who with.


Make the decision yourself. You have as much right to decide as he does, although you only have one choice, as you can't change him.

However, if he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he will not rest until he's made things right. If he doesn't, then Mr.Right is still out there and he was never the one for you.


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

It is finally over.
H could not decide kept saying I would be ok and better off without him as I am a stronger person and we could never fix what he has broken and that I have friends and family and would have a better life without him.
H said he did not really understand why he came back on Sunday it was confusion as he cares very deeply about me but thinks he wants to be with her.
H talks about being honest but is still telling lies to me and then says I want you as my friend, really a friend like him I don't need who rips my heart out stamps it all over the floor for 8 weeks, gives me two way answers that give me hope that maybe we could work to fix our marriage and then says I am not a good person and you will be ok. 
For the first time I am feeling angry and I really want to hurt him in the way he as hurt me he is throwing everything away that we had and what we have worked for so hard for in the last 16 years. 
The sad part is that our life together is over in such a short space of time and all for nothing he said we must have had problems for him to have done this I told him don't rewrite history the reason you done this was a leg over with another woman as we were happy or he deserves an Oscar for his performance. 
Who knows what today will bring I am returning to work next week which I know will help me and he seems relived too like he has got rid of me. 
Maybe I over analyse everything he says or maybe he is just a nasty person who is confused and does not know how to end his marriage in a proper way by being open and honest.
Thank you all for your support as some days I really feel I am going mad


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## HisQueen7413 (Sep 16, 2013)

What exactly are you feeling ashamed about? 







kylie42 said:


> Husband left me 8 weeks ago (see husband left for ex girlfriend) as he had feelings for his ex girlfriend I filed for divorce a few weeks later and he was arranging a future with her and her children.
> H would not open mail about the divorce or talk with a lawyer until last week then I start getting text messages saying it's all a mistake he never wanted a divorce but he wishes me the best for the future as he wants me to be happy
> On Thursday night we chatted about the divorce and he said here is the draft letter from my lawyer but I don't want it and am only doing it as you did not seem bothered when I left you ( I done the 180).
> H was due to go on holiday with his girlfriend and her children on Friday night he said to me Friday morning I don't want to go away I want to stay here I told him I was going away as I had rehomed our dog and was feeling very low, well Saturday he went to her and I sent him a few texts over Saturday as I was feeling quite angry and annoyed that he was telling me it was all a mistake but still went well he said he would be home Saturday week and we could see how we got on.
> ...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Good riddance to him. I think anger is normal. Let it out. Don't hold back. 

You are going to go back and forth emotionally. Keep coming back here for support until you feel you address are over the hump. Talk with friends and family. Expose hours bull. 

He is a cheater and a coward. They go hand in hand. 

He only wants what is easy. 

Going back to work will be good to get your mind off of this for so while.

Then hit him with the Big D. Show him reality. 

Take care. We are here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

16 years down the drain. Your husband is a loser. Please make sure to get tested if you ever decide to sleep with him(which I don' t recommend). He has the nerve to come home and then go on a crying spell cuz he "loves" both of you? He feels that he has bonded with the OW's children, and are worried about them? He cheated because he wants to have a child? 

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Believe me, this sad affair will not last. Her kids are not his kids. When the OW and her children starts costing him money, the fantasy will be over.

You should not be ashamed of yourself....unless you take him back.

Go on with your life. You need a complete make over, new life, Gather all his stuff, and give him a few days to pick it up.

You can do this!


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## whispersofme (Sep 18, 2013)

Do the 180 on him, go dark. Don't respond to anything. Expose him and the OW. Acquire a lawyer and if possible claim abandoment. If allowed in your area, use the OWs actions in the claim - what is it? Alienation of marital something? In any case, name her in the divorce proceeding. 

make sure you separate all finances - if the lawyer says it is ok to do so, change the locks. 

Do NOT take him back. Do NOT listen to his attempts at blameshifting. Do NOT allow him to make you feel subpar - this is not about how he knows you will do well, or that you have family and friends there for you- this is about him betraying you, forsaking his vows and trying to make himself look like a good guy. He isn't and won't be - but the OW certainly deserves trash like her!


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

Received this today never mind him confused I am too

Don't you think you will be better off without me? Why do you want to stay married to me after all this and what I have put you through?
I never wanted to hurt you but was out of control. Call it a mid life crisis or call it depression or something else but I know I was ill and I might be better now but then I might not either. Really I have never made any decisions. I cant decide which means something must be wrong cos why wouldn't I just choose you and our marriage?
I am not frightened but I am confused. 
I want you to be rid of me because you deserve better .
Yes, we were a good team but can we ever be again? 
You deserve better than me. 
You see if we stayed together then some aspects of our life I wouldnt want to change. I liked having a dog. I didnt think we had good times together anymore.
When was the last time we had a good time together? I can't recall but your memory is better than mine.
Are you telling me you still love me after all that has happened?
Are you jot just frightened of being alone or having to date men again?

Words fail me. I can not give you the answers because I dont know them. Somewhere things went wrong
Can they be saved? Dunno.
Did I try.....? No.....why? Because....why?
Anyway, how could I ever meet your family again? They all hate me anyway. Thats why no one comes to visit including my family.
Can we ever be a team again against the world? 
I have to accept my faults and errors but I am a decent man. Thats why my head has and is in turmoil. I never threw you away with no regard. I often thought of you back here alone and knew I had let you down. Thats why it was easier to go to the gym,come home and eat and then go to bed. To pretend you and the dog didnt exist! Now the dog has gone that was part of our old life....a dog was always the connection between the two of us. 
I dont know what else to say.
.x

Thoughts please as I am going Nuts


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He has no balls and wants you to decide for him. He wants the easy way out but feels guilty. 

I would simply ask him if he would like to remain married. Is he willing to never ever contact her or accept contact from her for the rest of his life? Is he willing to become totally transparent? It is a yes or no question. 

You don't have to say you want him back or not of you aren't sure. 

He left so he has to be willing to face the very difficult time ahead of you were to want him back. It will be very emotionally trying and there will be a lot of anger and tears 

Is he willing to do what be would need to do to try to repair this? The onus is on him. Does he understand that? 

I think he would go back to you if you reassured him but I don't think he has the balls to be that decent guy he claims to be. 

It is also unfair to ask you for assurance that things can return to normal because you have no way of knowing this. So much depends on his willingness to go the distance and to face everyone and everything that comes with being a cheater. 

Maybe I am wrong. But I don't think he has it in him. 

He needs counselling if he is so confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

Update 
Well he has come home still in contact with her on FB and text but will not see her told her he want to be with me I seen the e-mail (he does not know) he has been to the Dr and is on depression tablets for the past week.
He won't talk about what he has done just say I am home I am not going anywhere I am here every night.
I am now back working and stay away from the house Monday to Friday we get on well at the weekends chatting having dinner together and watching movies but he won't talk about "it" just says he was unhappy and this pills will help him.
I text him during the week he does reply but I have to instigate them or call him at home.
He asked me to stop the divorce on text message and give us another go I did not reply as I am more confused now than ever it's like he wants to just move on with us and forget what he did.
We still have our own bedrooms I am looking at this in blocks 1) can we build a friendship, 2) start over marriage again, 3) ever learn to trust again.
It's so hard as he says why don't we move near your work and family, we could buy another home, but does not say I want you back, I love you or even seems to be trying or maybe I want the begging forgiveness. 
I have not stopped the divorce but he has stopped his work transfer (he still does not know I knew) all his clothes are back home 
All advise welcome I am not sure why he did what he did, is it the depression I know he has had it for a few years and done nothing about it he works with children who have been sexually abused and I know his job has made him unhappy for a long whie. 

All advise very welcome


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Why does he need to contact her?


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

You keep doing the opposite of the advice you've been given repeatedly. Why do you keep asking for more?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

P.s. his job or depression are not a excuse to cheat on u. If you believe that, hes got you fooled. And if he truly wants to come back, he would not contact the other woman. Period!


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

You have to make the decision yourself. Can you handle all the craziness he will bring to your life? I think him moving back home is just temp. He is still confused and do you want to be in the middle of his confusion? This may last for years. Can you handle it emotionally? Lastly, why is he still contacting her if he really want to work on the marriage? 

I think you know deep down you need to get rid of him. He is still unsure what to do and is just playing with your heart. He wants to keep both sides right now because he is unsure what to do. He is not man enough to sort through his feeling first. Instead, he is dragging everyone into his crazy world.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The situation isn't going to make for a reconciliation. I think stopping the divorce would be the biggest mistake ever. I would be very candid with him and tell him that divorce will not stop until he has no contact with her and he goes to counseling understands what he did and is willing to talk to you about it and other things. 

It just has to be a prerequisite. 

Does the other woman wants him back? Is there a reason that he decided that her family is not for him? 

If the answer is either no to the first question or yes to the second it's possible that he's with you because he has nowhere else to go. He is lost. He doesn't even want to rush week or give you the words of someone who is even pretending to want to stay together and reconcile. He just doesn't want to let go of his relationship with you but it doesn't mean that being with you is what he really wants.

I can understand that his job would be very painful. I wouldn't be able to do it. I would probably commit homicide somewhere along the line. 

But before they threw me in jail for killing some perp I would be hard pressed to justify leaving my husband and shacking up with someone else and his children because my job was very emotionally taxing. See what you do there is you try to change jobs not spouses.

If you told him to move out, where would he go? 

Being in his line of work you should probably already be aware that anti depressants are not a miracle cure. He may have to go through several types over several months before he finds one that works for him. And usually depression isn'ttreated solely with medication. Someone who has been depressed for a long time as probably learned a lot of pork looping skills over the years that need to be addressed. 

So on that score I think he's full of hooey. A pill a day is not going to solve all of his problems and its not going to fix your marriage. 

You are a good person and you got it together. I'm pretty sure you're going to do the right thing for yourself. Just don't let yourself become responsible for him. He's a grown man. He's done with these done and have to face it and he's unwilling. That's not someone you can help and that's not someone you can't work with on reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you think he has pork looping skills? LOL. Poor coping skills!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kylie42 (Sep 1, 2013)

I have seen texts and e-mails from her (he does not know) as she has asked him to move in with her and her children as she loves him very much.

During August and September he had nearly all his clothes in her home had put in a transfer for his job and was planning this new life, now all his clothes are at home and he has turned down the transfer after being offered it.

I know he has not seen her since the 1st of this month she knows he is confused and has said on the e-mails you talk so highly of your wife that I don't feel your ready to leave her if ever.

He does have very poor pork looping skills with personal relationships finds it hard to say I love you etc.

He has no relationship with his friends or family stopped contacting them last year (his family are not close anyway) does not want to talk with anyone.
He does not know I know he is still texting her.

I do take all your advice, I am the type of person that most people would say would not put up with any rubbish off of anyone so now I am in "this" situation I really don't understand why I am allowing this to happen.
I am normally the problem solver at work home etc. give me a problem I will get solution that's what people say about me so why can't I solve this?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Just on the kids , they're both morons even thinking about him being around them so early let alone going on a holiday.
Of course the kids got attached , l feel like abusing both of them bad .


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