# I was caught. Why is she being so nice?



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

About a month ago, my wife learned of my emotional affair. When we talked that same day, she confided that she was also tempted in the past on a few occasions. Once at a class reunion where she said to herself "This could be fun", and once on a trip with a female friend where a guy hit on her and kissed her. She denies that anything happened.

I know what I did was wrong. No doubt. But what I can't figure out is why my wife is being so loving, forgiving and nice by helping me through my remorse and depression from what I did. 

Is it possible that she did more than she is admitting and doesn't want to tell me?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> About a month ago, my wife learned of my emotional affair. When we talked that same day, she confided that she was also tempted in the past on a few occasions. Once at a class reunion where she said to herself "This could be fun", and once on a trip with a female friend where a guy hit on her and kissed her. She denies that anything happened.
> 
> I know what I did was wrong. No doubt. But what I can't figure out is why my wife is being so loving, forgiving and nice by helping me through my remorse and depression from what I did.
> 
> Is it possible that she did more than she is admitting and doesn't want to tell me?


It`s possible but I believe it`s even more possible she doesn`t want to lose you.

I have cheated a few times in my younger years and each time I was caught or confessed I received the most desperately loving affection from the girls I had cheated on.
Perhaps she feels as if your EA was a sign that you`re one step from leaving her and she`s trying to change your mind.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Me leave her? I was sure she would leave me for what I did. She acts like nothing happened. She hasn't even asked for details. I'm kicking myself every minute of every day for what I did to her and our marriage. She is being nothing but nice. 

It doesn't feel right at all.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Me leave her? I was sure she would leave me for what I did. She acts like nothing happened. She hasn't even asked for details. I'm kicking myself every minute of every day for what I did to her and our marriage. She is being nothing but nice.
> 
> It doesn't feel right at all.


Why wouldn`t she think you`re looking elsewhere?
I mean..you did have the affair ..yes?

She may not want the details because they`d hurt or perhaps she`s looking to sweep it all under the rug.

Or perhaps you`re right and she`s just decided to engage in a revange affair and tell you nothing about it.

I do know however that those who cheat have a hard time trusting so don`t trust your instincts here ...verify.

You need to talk to her, don`t let her rug sweep this or it`ll cause your relationship a lot of grief at a later date.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes. I had the affair, and I didn't think I was looking elsewhere until I was in too deep. Then I found myself trying to understand what I had done and why. It's still not clear to me why I did what I did. After 31 years, I did that? 

Could you explain the "later date" issue, please?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Denial is one of the stages of grief. For some (like me) it lasts about two seconds. Others can get stuck in it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Yes. I had the affair, and I didn't think I was looking elsewhere until I was in too deep. Then I found myself trying to understand what I had done and why. It's still not clear to me why I did what I did. After 31 years, I did that?
> 
> Could you explain the "later date" issue, please?


Ok well, let`s suppose my assumption is correct and she doesn`t want to discuss it, she`s being very nice to you all because she fears losing you.

So..this doesn`t get resolved and you go on with your relationship.

Months, years, maybe even decades down the road this one crisis in your marriage that was never really dealt with turns into resentment on her part that can lead to animosity that could have a wide range of possible affects on your relationship from lack of sex, to more infidelity, to divorce, or simply a slow smoldering dislike/hatred.

I can`t say as I don`t know her or your or exactly what the situation is but do know that when a person is harmed emotionally and they repress that pain it doesn`t go away.

It simply ferments and grows into something far worse than it`s origins and you may never even know it`s happening until your life blows up one day ten years from now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She could be just putting on a strong face while inside she's destroyed.
Or maybe she cheated on you too and figures you are on equal footing?

Get into marriage counselling and sever all ties with the OW.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Hope, please explain. I don't know what you mean and if it's directed at me or her.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

It took me almost 2 months to get the anger stage - but when it hit, it hit hard (and it's still going on). I was nice in the beginning too because I felt regret about mistakes I had made throughout our marriage (not cheating) and took on a lot of the blame myself. I wanted to hold onto WH and also was in such shock - I didn't know how else to react.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

All of the above are certainly possibilities - I'll offer a different one for what it's worth.

You don't say anything about the nature of your EA. EA's run the gamut from real betrayal (like mine) to maybe just a bad lapse in judgement/weak boundaries, one would be much harder to over come than the other. Assuming yours was off the deep end like mine - maybe she just really loves you and doesn't have it in her to punish you. This was my wife's basic reaction. It doesn't mean she isn't really hurting inside - she is - she may just not want to hurt you by showing it. 

Do the things we waywards are obligated to do. Swear off the OW, give your wife full transparency, give her the full and complete truth of what you did. Talk to her openly and honestly about it, without emotion or resentment. To Tacoma's point - the two of you do need to talk about it and work through it. Whether or not you believe it yet the marriage you had is over. The one in front of you can actually be better than the old one but the two of you have to deal with this and use it to reconnect and fix the issues in your marriage that contributed to your EA. If you rug sweep this and don't deal with it it will fester and come back to haunt you.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have had no contact with the other person since being discovered. I am completely transparent to where it bothers her at times. 

Is marriage counseling a good, or best, place to share details so that I can get them out in the open? I don't want to be haunted later.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If the two of you can't deal with them just the two of you, yes MC is a good place. She will have to deal with it on her own schedule, you can't hurry her up to get it behind you. Stats say the two of you will be dealing with this for two to five years. When I was where you are I didn't believe that statistic, I'm now 15 months post D Day and I know it's true and my wife and I are having a successful reconciliation. What you're in now is a marathon, not a sprint. Regarding details, there's a line here. You have to communicate the truth to her, but to force her to hear every detail if she doesn't want to is just tormenting her. Give her what you have to to be sure she knows the truth, from there give her any detail she ask about but if she doesn't ask and it isn't necessary for to know the truth of things - don't tell her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thank you. I still can't believe she hasn't left me. She's a wonderful woman, beautiful, smart, and a great person to have in your life. 

The possibility of her having an affair in the past makes me wonder what I would do with the information she isn't asking for now. How would I react? Right now, I don't care what happened. She's still here with me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hire a food taster.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hire a food taster.


Man that ain't right.... made me laugh though!!:rofl:


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

This is a bad news. She must have been already wrapped up in guilt so much that she is so willing to forgive you and move on. How bad was her transgression really? Are you sure what she told you was the truest extent of it?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Hope, please explain. I don't know what you mean and if it's directed at me or her.


When someone finds out they've been cheated on, it's normal to go through the stages of grief. One of those stages is denial. You want to pretend it never happened. Maybe that's what's happening to her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Thanks Hope.

All I know is what I posted. I don't need to hear more. My low self-esteem probably couldn't take it. 

The "food taster" post made me laugh too! She needed one long ago for me.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hire a food taster.


:lol:

This!!


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I am betting she is trying to keep the marriage and is being nice in order to set the stage for rebuilding.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If anything happened, it happened some time back. There's been nothing on the phone bills except my activity. I can't forget what I did and focus on her past instead. That would be like me blaming her in some way. I'm accountable for what I did.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hire a food taster.


...... and its another grand slam home runs!!!:lol:


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

She probably cheated and does not see what you did as worse than what she may have done...that's the most realistic possibilty. She either cheated on you for revenge or she might have cheated on you before she caught you. or maybe the kiss is all that happened and that was enough revenge for her (i doubt it)....how to proceed is up to you really...take care of yourself and just focus on improving your life and simply tell her that you want her to be honest with you and simply come clean...(if you have to you can use keyloggers and spy software...they are more reliable) but most importantly ask yourself...if you do find out more, what are you going to do?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> If anything happened, it happened some time back. There's been nothing on the phone bills except my activity. I can't forget what I did and focus on her past instead. That would be like me blaming her in some way. I'm accountable for what I did.


HerToo - I'm going against the grain a little here - I think your attitude above is spot on. IMO if you get paranoid or defensive that maybe your wife cheated on you some time ago you will only drive a wedge deeper between you and your wife. Right now your marriage has a known infidelity to deal with - yours. While what your W told you would be a little unsettling I think the two of you need to focus on dealing with and working through the known issues and not further confuse the issue with might have's and suspicion. 

Take your wife's kindness as an act of love and forgiveness. Ask her why she is responding the way she is, talk to her. Take advantage of this wake up call to your marriage to reconnect with your wife and actually improve your marriage. Figure out why you were susceptible to going outside your marriage to get a need met.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Answer any questions she has in MC and in person that she asks you. Do not cover up or lie about anything. It will set you back tenfold. 

If she did cheat on you and you find out, I am sure it would be devastating to youl. It's one of those, 'You don't know how you will feel until it happens to you'-things.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I just want to move forward. If she finally gets upset and divorces me for what I did, I can only blame myself. If she did something in the past, it could be the reason to either fix our marriage or mutually call it done and blame ourselves for ending it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> *I just want to move forward. *If she finally gets upset and divorces me for what I did, I can only blame myself. If she did something in the past, it could be the reason to either fix our marriage or mutually call it done and blame ourselves for ending it.


just as long as "moving forward" doesn't mean sweeping it under the rug


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Did you tell her about the OW or did she find out on her own?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She found out on her own. I confessed when approached.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Mine took a few months to actually happen. It went from being friends, talking about life in general, to constant communication, and then the ILY. It felt, and still does, real. Which tells me that I don't really know what love is other than a word.


You're one month out man - you're still in withdrawal and you're heart is still giving you bad info. Rely on your brain and what you know. It will get better but it's going to be a slow process. I know it feels real - believe me I know. You know it's not, that it can't be, stick with that and focus on your wife and what she needs. While she may be being nice, she does need you to get past this. The pain your feeling - write it off to stupid tax you have to pay for cheating. Pay it, be done with it, assign it no more significance than any other debt you have to pay.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know I will have to pay. My fear is that the real payment will come later in the form of anger and divorce papers. I'm not in control of what happens next. I can only continue to show remorse, and respect for our marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> And yet, every day I worry about how she feels and if she's okay. But I know the drug addiction would kick in if I contacted her in any way. All contact has to stop. I've done it so far. It's not easy.


I can't help but comment on this post to - sorry if it's unsolicited advice. I went through this - man o man did I go through this. I even convinced my wife to let me re-establish contact to see if I could glue my AP back together and get closure, as long as my wife got to read it all. Long story short, it was all B.S., it was my heart feeding me bad info and not listening to my head. I really wanted a "good" goodbye with my AP and spent a lot of time and effort at my wife's expense trying to get it - ultimately I never did. I did get some closure for me, but it was at the price of just stringing out the pain for both me and my wife. If I had it to do over again I would have stayed NC. Just let it go, there is no relief in contacting your AP - none. This may not be an issue for you, but you sound similar to me when I was a month out - be strong and when you start to think about your AP do your dead level best to put her out of your mind. Easier said than done I know, but you can do it. It will get easier to do and the frequency with which you have to do it will get less.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Its only a guess methinks your wife is in Plan A if you don't do everything in words, actions, deeds , give her full transparency, confirm your where abouts and above all show true remorse your wife will switch the plan . Then you my friend will be crying .

I trust you have told your wife everything and offered to support her should she choose to expose your OW to her family.

Your every action is what counts including any further deceit . You should practice radical honesty and offer to your wife tough boundaries that you will adhere to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I appreciate the advice. The guilt for the pain I caused her is just one of the many guilty pains I am feeling and want to correct. Yet, I know I can't. Even if my wife dumped me, I would not be able to fix the OW's pain I caused, or try to have a relationship with her of any kind. There's no way. The whole relationship was built on a foundation of fantasy and lies. This is not how I started with my wife.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I don't think you should be caring about the OW's pain what your wife is going through is hell, she may not be showing it but inside she is and sadly you are here posting about the OW's pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I have compassion for anyone I hurt in any manner. The OW will have to heal on her own. Even trying to tell her I care about how she feels is a wrong move. So I won't go there.

My wife wants to keep the information between us. She does not want even our kids to know. I think she may have already confided in a very close friend of hers, but I don't know for sure. It's her choice. If it helps her heal, so be it.

I read about boundaries and other things here in this forum, and put them in place on myself before my wife even had a chance to request them. I don't go anywhere without her, other than work, if I can help it. Everything is wide open to see at any time.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I appreciate the advice. The guilt for the pain I caused her is just one of the many guilty pains I am feeling and want to correct. Yet, I know I can't. Even if my wife dumped me, I would not be able to fix the OW's pain I caused, or try to have a relationship with her of any kind. There's no way. The whole relationship was built on a foundation of fantasy and lies. This is not how I started with my wife.


Man you sound like I did. I carried a lot guilt for the pain my OW was in to, she took the end of our EA pretty badly. Of course her H still doesn't know to the best of my knowledge so her marriage wasn't in jeopardy and she could afford to be upset about the end of our affair. The guilt I carried was one the principle reasons I felt such a need to go back and try to glue her back together, and at first I thought I had. But every time when I thought she was OK and I had achieved that good goodbye she'd blatantly try to draw me back in. She took advantage of me and my wife enough that I got over the guilt and came to understand she owned any pain she still had. I still feel some responsibility, my wife doesn't understand and ask me why; my answer is that had I been a better man and not participated in an affair with her she would not have gotten hurt. 

You can't carry guilt toward your AP, it is your heart still feeding you bad info. She was a willing participant and is a big girl - she has to bear the consequences just like you do. I know this stuff is hard to shut off internally but keep trying, eventually you will succeed. 

And Eli-Zor is right - focus on your wife - she needs you.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Your wife is afraid. Her nice behaviour is probably her way of trying to keep the marriage together for the sake of the kids. Inside she will be hurting and likely hating you deep down for the harm you have caused her. 

Your affair has hurt two woman.

Enjoy her nice behaviour for now because it won't last. The storm may well come sooner rather than later and it will probably be a tempest that will be unleashed.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know she needs me, or at least it appears she needs me. I'll take what I can get at this point.

For those who have been cheated on, is there a fear that if you do divorce that your ability to survive financially, socially, etc., will disappear? Could this be one option my wife is using? This seems unhealthy and will eventually explode.


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## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Oh wow...I feel I have to respond since I too began my journey as a bs being nice. I don't know if your wife ever cheated, I know I didn't, but even if she did, look at it this way: You 'think' she did and are hurt just thinking about it; she on the other hand KNOWS you did, so yes, yes, she is hurting....very badly. Before I found out, I was going crazy because I had a gut feeling. When he confessed, I was shocked, speechless, NUMB. But I no longer felt crazy....my gut feeling was right. I was very afraid of losing him, (still am), and I was being very nice because I wanted him to feel confident in opening up to me & telling me the whole truth. I also did not want to be the crazy *** b*** and give him a reason to choose her (or anybody else) over me. I was afraid of divorce and what other people might think (too proud to be the betrayed abandoned spouse). 

I don't know if you are relaying to your wife all this feelings you have for OW (which you are so liberally posting on TAM), but if she knows you feel this way for OW, then maybe, Yes, she is being nice because she doesn't want to lose you to her or is afraid of divorce and what other people might think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires - one of each for both of you. Fill them out with your wife. Tell her this is a wakeup call and you don't want to lose her, and you want to make sure you're being the best husband possible; thus the questionnaires. They will tell you what you do to Love Bust (harm) her and what her top Emotional Needs are so you can ensure you're the only one meeting those needs. You let someone else meet your needs; fix your marriage so it never happens again.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've told her that I have compassion for all of the people I hurt in the mess I created. And, I told her (and have proven) that I have had no contact with the OW, and know that doing so would be a big mistake. 

If my wife does divorce me, I would ensure that she and the family would be taken care of financially. As far as "losing" me to someone else, that is not an option for me. 

As for her cheating or not, it's only noise in my mind. The real problem is what I did. I'm not hurt about the possibility of her cheating on me in the past. At least, not now.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Turnera

Thank you. I'll check it out now.


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## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Quote:
Originally Posted by HerToo 
Mine took a few months to actually happen. It went from being friends, talking about life in general, to constant communication, and then the ILY. It felt, and still does, real. Which tells me that I don't really know what love is other than a word.

(sorry, I don't know how to do quotes so I copied and pasted)

HerToo: I guess we all come to this site to learn. And I'm trying to learn from you trying to decipher what my H is really feeling. You talk about love towards OW, how it feels real. What about your wife? Maybe I missed it in your posts somehow, but Do you not love your wife too? And you keep mentioning divorce. Either because your W leaves you or because you don't know what would happen if you find out your wife cheated. Is it possible D is what (maybe subconsciously) you really want?

Maybe I am in the anger stage and I certainly don't want to take it out on people that have cheated that come to this site and have indeed helped me, but I'm sorry Sigma and all others, as a BS, I feel the so called fog is BS too. Cheating is wrong no matter what. If you are in a "fog" about your marriage, do the right thing..... fix things at home or leave. Don't drag us into your mess. 

HerToo: I know you are trying to do the right thing, sorry for my rant, but it does irk me when you sound more worried about OW than your wife. Did OW not know you were married? The OW made her own bad choices just like you. Both you and OW should feel guilty about pain you caused your wife. I hope your wife did not cheat on you first, because no one deserves to be cheated on, including you. No one deserves the pain, loss of self-esteem, loss of peace of mind, distrust, and anger that comes with it. Go read "AlmostRecovered" thread '2 years ago today' or LostCPA False Recovery.

Sorry to everyone for my rant.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

UP brings up a good point. Your wife isn't saying anything. That helps you feel like she isn't hurting that much.

BUT SHE IS.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

HerToo said:


> I've told her that I have compassion for all of the people I hurt in the mess I created.
> .


You do know that by telling your wife this, you are comparing her pain, an unknowing victim in your affair, to the knowing affair partner and making them equal. Your loyalty to the pain your cheating partner has is a double betrayal to your wife, the only person in all of this who was not aware of what was going on.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I've been nice to my husband since d-day (over 2 1/2 years ago) and I didn't cheat on him. I did have a few meltdowns and your wife may, too, eventually. She may still be numb at this point.

The niceness could be the result of a few things. She may see this as a wakeup call and she may be trying to start your marriage over with a clean slate. She may also be avoiding being confrontational about your affair because she feels that since she chose to reconcile, she can't throw it in your face. That can cause her to feel like she can't talk about it or show her pain and anger. It's also possible that she is experiencing the honeymoon phase that some go through after such a big shakeup in the marriage.

Those are things my husband and I experienced and continue to experience now. I don't know if your wife cheated, but I would think that if she did, she would have told you when she found out about your infidelity. Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You do know that by telling your wife this, you are comparing her pain, an unknowing victim in your affair, to the knowing affair partner and making them equal. Your loyalty to the pain your cheating partner has is a double betrayal to your wife, the only person in all of this who was not aware of what was going on.


His priority should be the pain he has created for his wife. Making AP equal in the pain stakes has just compounded an already terribly painful situation for his wife. Could be indicative of many more problems ahead if he doesn't quickly grasp the enormity of the train wreck he has created for his wife and family. He needs to keep away from such crashingly insensitive comments. She is likely to be ready to burst inside. Poor woman.

At least he can be given some credit for being around to witness his wife's reaction, albeit easy street for the moment, but for how long?

Hope they can both save the marriage and work on it. It won't be easy, but it should be easier on both (and cheaper) that the divorce court.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> UP brings up a good point. Your wife isn't saying anything. That helps you feel like she isn't hurting that much.
> 
> BUT SHE IS.


:iagree: This.

You should also consider how have the 2 of you dealt with other problems in the past? 

My Wife (and I am guilty as well) always avoided, was in denial and pretended. There was never confrontation and very little "Uncomfortable" talk. Therefore, issues never were discussed, or if so, it was just in passing and never really REALLY talked out to an end. Hence things were avoided and ignored and never resolved. This was relationship, sex, finances, everything. THAT was the biggest hurdle we overcame in our situation.

If you and your wife, live in denial, avoid serious issue resolution, never argue, and never discuss the hard, painfull issues any other time, you certainly wont with a whopper like this.

Q~


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Unwarranted, No need to be sorry. There is not an ounce of justification or excuse for cheating in anything I say because you are right there is none - I hope my post here don't come across as such. "The Fog" is not a justification for cheating, but it is a reason why so many times a wayward has such a hard time pulling their head out of their [email protected]@. My only intent in this thread is to try to help HerToo understand what is happening inside his head because I went through it to. You are again right that the most offended person is and should be his and my wife. Whatever pain HerToo, I and our respective AP's suffered we earned, our wives did nothing to deserve theirs. However, the fact that we earned it does not mean that the pain isn't there, is very real, and needs to be dealt with to.

Personally I found myself several months after D Day with absolutely no confusion about who I loved (my wife) and if I wanted to remain married to her (I did more than anything). Despite my clarity of knowing what I wanted I still found myself battling thoughts of my AP that I didn't want but could not control. I eventually wound up here seeking help dealing with and understanding those thoughts, look up my very first thread/post. I received a lot of responses like HerToo is here telling me I was continuing to betray my wife and that I should focus on her pain - and they all helped - they helped to remind me that despite how much I was hurting that my wife was hurting too and it was all my responsibility. I also received several replies explaining to me what was happening to me, that it was an addiction and needed to be treated as such. It had never occurred to me that it could be such a thing. Battling the thoughts of my AP running around in my head was really confusing and exhausting me, I was actually beginning to question if I couldn't get them out of my head did that mean I wasn't really as committed to my wife as I believed I was. Coming to understand that those thoughts were just my brain trying to get me to give it the trigger for those wonderful dopamine releases helped me know how to deal with it and begin to put it all behind me. The people here collectively helped clarify for me what "The Fog" was beginning to cloud, that I did love my wife and given enough commitment to her, strength, and time my AP would eventually leave my head. An emotional affair is just that - emotional - most people can't simply turn off emotions like that once they are out - it's kind of like Pandora's Box. It takes a lot of time and effort to really shut those things down. I think if most waywards who had an intense emotional connection with their AP are honest they will tell you they couldn't turn it off like a switch. 

Infidelity sucks, for everyone touched by it. HerToo seems to me to be genuinely remorseful and committed to his marriage. He just seems to be battling some of the same demons from his affair that I did. I hope that my bruises and scars can help him deal with it better and faster than I did.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I know my wife is hurting, and this is my priority. I can't pretend that I'm not a compassionate person either. But the pain my wife and the OW have are not equal in priority, but they do both exist.

My original post was a concern for her moving on so quickly. I don't feel like I've been punished enough for what I did, and I'm trying to figure it out without excusing what I did at the same time, or blaming her for something she might have done in the past.

The reality wake-up call I received reminded me of how much I love my wife. Yesterday, I read the "needs" list recommended. I went through the list and could not find one thing that I could clearly say that I wasn't receiving that caused me to start the EA. Is it possible that it's so good that I wanted more of all of it even if it required the OW? This question will come out in my IC. 

I have several things to do
- Stay focused on my wife and marriage
- Learn why I did what I did, and never repeat it
- Constantly reaffirm my love for ONLY my wife
- Keep no contact with OW no matter what
- Sew up anus so that my head doesn't go up there again!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I know my wife is hurting, and this is my priority. I can't pretend that I'm not a compassionate person either. But the pain my wife and the OW have are not equal in priority, but they do both exist.
> 
> My original post was a concern for her moving on so quickly. I don't feel like I've been punished enough for what I did, and I'm trying to figure it out without excusing what I did at the same time, or blaming her for something she might have done in the past.
> 
> ...


Made me laugh!!

When I first came here I was convinced that there was not a deeper underlying reason, that I just got caught up in something I shouldn't have and made some bad decisions. After spending a lot of time here and a lot of soul searching with my wife I've come to understand (so far) that mine was driven by two things. One, my wife and I had let the flirt, intimacy and excitement wane in our marriage. We had let life creep in and taken our marriage fore granted. We were still very happy but we didn't invest much into "us." When my AP walked in and her world was all about me - I was blown away. So my wife and I realized that we both missed the excitement of "us" and now we make sure that we invest some time and thought accordingly - it's been wonderful. Second, I realized (or rather remembered) that I have some self esteem issues. Years ago I knew this but I had forgotten and accordingly I forgot how to manage them. Again, when I was the center of my AP's world it feed into that weakness in me. I am now aware of this again and how to manage it, but better than that so is my wife and what she can do to help me deal with it so I'm not vulnerable to someone else filling that void inside of me. 

It may take a while to figure it out, but keep working at it until you do. The reasons are there and you need to find them, with your wife if possible so she can understand them to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That excitement...that's where the 15 hours a week comes in. You have to make time to keep the love alive and exciting. Like when you were dating. The most successful couples will always appear to still be dating, even in their 80s.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm trying hard to remember my behavior before, as you said, life crept in and made raising a family a priority until a few years ago. Now it's back to "us" and our interests are different. We talked about finding something we can both do and enjoy together like we used to. Still trying to find it. I think a little mid life issues could be fogging me (us?) too. But we aren't giving up.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I don't feel like I've been punished enough for what I did


we can help with that if you'd like....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've doing plenty on my own. But thanks for the offer!


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> we can help with that if you'd like....


:rofl:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

How long will I fell like crap for what I did? My wife wants me to stop dwelling on it so much and start moving on. Each time I try to feel better and regain who I was before being stupid, I feel guilty, remorseful and depressed instead.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She's killing you with kindness.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> How long will I fell like crap for what I did? My wife wants me to stop dwelling on it so much and start moving on. Each time I try to feel better and regain who I was before being stupid, I feel guilty, remorseful and depressed instead.


Remember when you said you didn't feel like you've been punished enough for what you did? Well here you are, your pain and punishment are going to be self administered and to be honest - they're going to go on a while. This is part of the price of cheating. You're not going to regain who you were before, but do you really want to? That person cheated on their wife. This is going to be a part of you - and your wife - for the rest of your lives. That's why it's so important to be sure the two of you fully deal with and process it - it isn't going away. It sounds like the two of you may really benefit from marriage counseling to help you deal with it together.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

excellent post siggie


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I want to good part of me "before" back. The a-hole part needs to die. We do plan to go to MC, after a few sessions of IC for me.


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