# Lost out of love



## Lost478

I wanted to let everyone know my story and why I am here. On paper and according to my friends and family, we have a perfect marriage. There is no adultery, abuse or substance abuse. My husband is kind and loving most of the time. So why do I want to leave? I am bored and I think I have fallen out of love for him. We don’t have sex, and I am worried that he might be in beginning stages of dementia. He refuses to see a neurologist. We have been married 13 years, no kids, one dog. I am so lonely in this marriage. We have had sex maybe 4 times in the last two years. Because of this I am have lost attraction to him and find him repulsive sometimes. I have depression and am switching meds. Waiting to see if my depression lifts to see if I still feel this way. I want him to get tested for dementia as that would explain the constant leaving the stove on, faucets running, forget his wallet and keys, constantly. Today he told a neighbor we lived on a different street than we do!!! His personality is changing, not for the better. His temper is getting worse. The bottom line is that he is not taking care of himself and I frankly don’t know if I want to stick around and take care of him.

I feel crazy, sad, and lonely. There is no one else. No affairs on my end. Just can’t shake the feeling for 4 years off and on now that I need to leave.

Thanks for reading.


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## MattMatt

Might not be dementia. The symptoms you describe could be due to a depressive illness, a degenerative neurological condition or a dementia related condition.

Constantly leaving the stove on is risky behaviour.

Does he have a family member or a close friend who can encourage him to visit a neurologist?


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## Sfort

There's actually a test you can give him without him knowing it. It has two parts: 1) Ask him to tell you what time it is using a non-digital clock (a clock with hands). 2) Hand him a handful of change with a variety of coins. Ask him to count out exactly $1.00.


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## TJW

Switching meds is a good idea for you. Antidepressants are notorious for causing lack of libido. Unfortunately, there are not too many of them which don't. And, the effects can stay around even after you switched.

Your depression may not "lift" as a result of medication alone. Many people require psychological therapy, exercise, doing "fun" things (even if it's alone), achievement, etc. to break the throes of it.

Also, if you are specifying "dementia" when you approach him, your results may not be too good in getting him to go. Encourage a visit to family doc for a physical. Depression/anxiety will be worked up by your doc. A neurologist may be suggested.... there are also a few markers in "standard" blood testing usually ordered by the GP which can be evaluated for contribution to his illness.

As @MattMatt suggested, a friend or family member may have better results. When couched in a frame of your repulsion and lost desire, he may receive suggestions from you as an insult to his manhood.

As one who has suffered from anemia for a while, I can tell you that some cognitive loss is associated with low hemoglobin.


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## Lost478

MattMatt said:


> Might not be dementia. The symptoms you describe could be due to a depressive illness, a degenerative neurological condition or a dementia related condition.
> 
> Constantly leaving the stove on is risky behaviour.
> 
> Does he have a family member or a close friend who can encourage him to visit a neurologist?


Thanks for your input. Isn’t “risky behavior” done knowingly for attention? He has no idea he is doing it. Also, I haven’t said anything to family. He would be so angry with me. I am still working on gathering the courage to do so. I had not thought that his behavior could be part of his depression. He suffers greatly from it, but again, in major denial about it. What other conditions are you thinking of?


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## Lost478

Sfort said:


> There's actually a test you can give him without him knowing it. It has two parts: 1) Ask him to tell you what time it is using a non-digital clock (a clock with hands). 2) Hand him a handful of change with a variety of coins. Ask him to count out exactly $1.00.


I can tell you without question he would still be able to do these tasks.


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## Sfort

Lost478 said:


> I can tell you without question he would still be able to do these tasks.


The tests are certainly not dispositive, but they were described to me by a doctor who uses them regularly. It's unlikely that he has dementia, but he could have other serious issues.


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## SpinyNorman

Lost478 said:


> Thanks for your input. Isn’t “risky behavior” done knowingly for attention?


I think he just meant it is dangerous.


> He has no idea he is doing it. Also, I haven’t said anything to family. He would be so angry with me. I am still working on gathering the courage to do so. I had not thought that his behavior could be part of his depression. He suffers greatly from it, but again, in major denial about it. What other conditions are you thinking of?


If he doesn't know what street he lives on and you didn't just move there, something is very wrong. The kindest thing you can do is to get help, whether he likes it or not. If he has a regular doctor, maybe you can express your concerns to him.


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## Lost478

SpinyNorman said:


> I think he just meant it is dangerous.
> If he doesn't know what street he lives on and you didn't just move there, something is very wrong. The kindest thing you can do is to get help, whether he likes it or not. If he has a regular doctor, maybe you can express your concerns to him.


He gave the street above us when asked by a neighbor. It was very strange. When I corrected him, he giggled.


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## Diana7

How old is he?


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## MattMatt

Lost478 said:


> Thanks for your input. Isn’t “risky behavior” done knowingly for attention? He has no idea he is doing it. Also, I haven’t said anything to family. He would be so angry with me. I am still working on gathering the courage to do so. I had not thought that his behavior could be part of his depression. He suffers greatly from it, but again, in major denial about it. What other conditions are you thinking of?


Risky behaviour is behaviour that puts people at risk.


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## Diana7

If he is fairly old then its likely he may be starting dementia, thats why I asked his age.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> If he is fairly old then its likely he may be starting dementia, thats why I asked his age.


A friend of mine fell victim to Early Onset Alzheimer's when he was in his early 40s, so it's something to think about even in a relatively young person. Incidentally, the youngest recorded case was a woman of 32.


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## DownByTheRiver

Lost478 said:


> I wanted to let everyone know my story and why I am here. On paper and according to my friends and family, we have a perfect marriage. There is no adultery, abuse or substance abuse. My husband is kind and loving most of the time. So why do I want to leave? I am bored and I think I have fallen out of love for him. We don’t have sex, and I am worried that he might be in beginning stages of dementia. He refuses to see a neurologist. We have been married 13 years, no kids, one dog. I am so lonely in this marriage. We have had sex maybe 4 times in the last two years. Because of this I am have lost attraction to him and find him repulsive sometimes. I have depression and am switching meds. Waiting to see if my depression lifts to see if I still feel this way. I want him to get tested for dementia as that would explain the constant leaving the stove on, faucets running, forget his wallet and keys, constantly. Today he told a neighbor we lived on a different street than we do!!! His personality is changing, not for the better. His temper is getting worse. The bottom line is that he is not taking care of himself and I frankly don’t know if I want to stick around and take care of him.
> 
> I feel crazy, sad, and lonely. There is no one else. No affairs on my end. Just can’t shake the feeling for 4 years off and on now that I need to leave.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


If he's not going to cooperate about going to the doctor, you're going to have to go to court and see if they'll just temporarily require him to go do that or otherwise declare him incompetent. I'm not sure you would want a conservatorship of him because that's a big responsibility and if he's not cooperative it's just going to ruin your life. not much you can do about dementia and it definitely sounds like he has some type of dementia. 

But you don't know what type so you need to get it diagnosed. One thing you could do maybe is call an ambulance and just let them know what is up and see if they can take him to the hospital.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

How long have you been married?


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## Lost478

Diana7 said:


> How old is he?


66


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## Lost478

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How long have you been married?


13 years


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## Lost478

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How long have you been married?


13 years


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## Lost478

Diana7 said:


> How old is he?


66


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

If H is showing signs of dementia, and you've been married 13 years you've been M long enough to be invested and the fact you want to leave him because he's getting ill means you have no concept of in sickness and in health part of M.


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## Divinely Favored

Lost478 said:


> 66


Has he ever had his T level checked? It can totally screw you up. My 43 yr old wife had hormone issues and one day did not know how to get to my office. It is town of 25K she grew up and lived all her life in. It takes 3 min to get to my office from hers. She called me to come get her, i got to her and it took 20-30 seconds for her to remember who i was. She is on HRT and fine now, though she can not recall any memories during that time period before getting her hormones straight.


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