# Opening the door to the end of the Marriage



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Right now, nothing that Ive spent the last five years complaining about, and hurt over, can come to mind, as all the wonderful times "as a family together" has me busting out in tears every ten minutes. Im sitting here at work and cant think of anything other than all the fun times, holidays, special things we did....what a horrible loss this has come to. Despite all the misdeeds of my wife and pain shes caused, we still had good times too. My wife feels like this is all her fault and says so, maybe shes just playing the martyr to facilitate ending things, but I am trying to accept this loss of feeling towards me and marriage. Me wife is afraid our daughter will come to hate her for this. I cant see reconciliation as an option at this point nor can I trust any attempt at it from myself as being something other than simply trying to hang on for dear life.. I cant make my wife "feel" for me, like it should be, it does take two.

Last nite we had a talk about how to pursue the divorce.
It wasnt negative in any way at all between us, but we both were very sad of course. We were together for sixteen years, had a daughter (9) together, and married for 10yrs.
I could be really harsh, and sue for full custody, and child support, battling it out in court when neither of us have much money, heck, my wife is just now starting another consolidation for wayyyy too much debt (one of the issues). To pursue full custody and demand child support, would ruin her financially, and most likely lead to bankruptcy for her, therefore losing the house anyways. I dont want to live in that house, I cant afford it by myself, even IF my wife were to have to pay support to me, with so many memories there it would be like living in a time capsule of hurt/good memories/hurt. A daily reminder of what once was.
My wife should be able to handle it though, and I am willing to sign the house over to her, there is no equity in it, and its market value has fallen to the point it doesnt even qualify for refinance, if this consolidation works out, and her mom living there pitches in, then they can live there and provide a comfortable place of normalcy for my daughter to live, stay in the same school, same friends on the block to play with, room full of toys, space for pets, etc. In terms of custody, I would be able to see my daughter at any time, even aside from the typical shared custody routines. I will make sure thats all in writing if we proceed with the mediated divorce agreements.
I cant figure how dragging my kid up and out of her home, toys, room, pets, neighborhood, etc., and away from "normalcy", to come live in an apartment with me is the best thing for her, only it will be "me" that has to go away. But she is daddy's girl by all means, and this is going to really really hurt her any which way it works out. 
Basically my paying child support to my wife, will be the same as my paying for daycare if kiddo were to live with me full time.
I am trying not to be selfish about it either, I know my wife is a good mother and genuinely cares for the child, nor is she being crappy towards me in any way about all of this. She just wants to be done with the marriage. 
The only thing about it is not spending 100% of the time with my daughter, tucking her in every night, seeing her and being there every day. I kind of feel like I may be screwing up bigtime by agreeing to this kind of arrangement, but I also have to look at things from a realistic standpoint, my financial capacity, putting hardship on my wife and how it will affect my daughters lifestyle.. No agreements have been put on paper or signed or even mediated about yet, but I am trying to think of what is best for my child. This is sooo freaking hard, and painful. A week ago I was all gung-ho about getting away from my wife and so resentful at what shes done, but right now? Im a mess.
I dont hate my wife. She just doesnt love me like a married person should anymore and I am sad about that, and about how this family is coming to an end. She wants to be done with it, feels empty towards me and inside, and so I have to let her go. After facing its finality however, I dont feel so emotionally strong right now.
I dont want to "subsist on resentments" to keep myself. I am dreading the grieving part. I am dreading the time away from my kid, and I cant really say that I know for sure what is best for her. I plan on getting a 2brm apt, moving a lot of her toys etc. with me so she has her own room there too. The wife has said that anytime she wants to come visit me she will. Sure, I am afraid of when "conflict" arises, so I know I have to somehow get that on paper. I guess I dont really know what I am asking here, am I just seeking someone to say its okay not to fight for full custody and destroy my wife's life? Even if she deserves it? It all trickles down in some form or another to affect my daughter. she still loves her Mommy too. 

This is so hard. Trying to consider everything to "move on", and I realize I havent even come to terms with it myself. within myself. I havent even fully absorbed or considered the impact it will all have on me. this was one of the dreams of my life, to have a family, for the rest of my life. I NEVER thought it would come to this... .
Maybe someone out there has a different kind of custody situation that doesnt make it seem like I am giving up too much, or laying down and allowing my wife to get it all?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I agree with you about the arrangement as far as I'm reading. No sence in fighting and only hurting your child. Do what makes sence for both of you, and in the best interest of your child.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

That is so sad.  Of course it's okay to not fight for full custody even if she "deserves" it--in fact, you said yourself that she is a good mom and loves your daughter, so in my opinion she doesn't deserve having your daughter taken away from her just out of spite. I am not sure yet whether I am going to stay in my own marriage, but I try my best to leave my son out of it completely. These are adult matters that should have no bearing on the lives of our children. My H's shortcomings as a husband don't make him any less of a father.

If you can't afford the house alone and the market doesn't allow you to sell it and each get your own place, then I think you getting an apartment and creating a new home for yourself and (part-time home for) your daughter is the best possible solution. Is the mortgage in both of your names? Will it be easy to take your name off of it, so that if she does have more financial problems in the future then you won't be held responsible?

It is very kind of you to weigh your STBXW's financial security (for the sake of your daughter) in your decision. Given the circumstances, no doubt it is a "hard right" decision. But I think you have found the best possible solution to a really ugly situation, and you are smart to not make this more ugly than it needs to be--again, for your daughter's sake.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Can you rent the house to use for extra income each month?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont think I would be able to rent it, and keep it up and all, with the way the finances are for me personally, i will be doing good just to keep paying rent in an apartment, and wouldnt be able to rent the house for enough that i could still cover the mortgage note on it, by making up the difference myself. The only thing fighting for custody would do in the regards to the house would be i try to stay in it, and hope i get enough in child support payments to meet the mortgage note on it monthly. this would be a big "if" in concerning child support, and the fact that with my wifes situation, she'd be living in a box somewhere or a bad apt complex trying to keep up with court ordered childsupport. bankruptcy would be her only option. Otherwise we both move into apts and the house goes back to the bank. killing my credit and affecting my ability to get an apt. then comes the issue of trying to find affordable daycare which is 100 a week, for prior to school and just after school. my work hours just dont allow for it, even if i changed my hours, it would still leave a few hours she would need care before i got home. summers coming up and then what can i possibly do? i have no family down here that is close enough. i want my daughter to have interaction with other kids in a structured environment, and even as it is now, my wife is considering having one of her friends highschool daughters watch her a few days a week, and then my wifes mom will watch her the rest of the week, since she works only 3 days a week. 
still feels like i am caving though. 
The wife reiterated tonite that she wants me to have all the time i want with my daughter. 
I could hold what shes done to me against her, and draw this out for a long battle. It sure doesnt seem fair to me, to be the one who has to go find an apt, and live with shared time with my daughter. but the alternatives, ultimately leaving it up to a judge to decide everything isnt promising. trying to hire a lawyer and move out and everything else right now is almost impossible. but yeah, my daughter is worth it, just as much as shes worth making this situation as painless as possible for her.
Yeah, my wife brought all this on herself, but does that make it right for me to put her in hardship then? I cant really afford childsupport but i guess i will have to find a way. I highly doubt I would see much from her in terms of it. even court ordered, id be in court monthly trying to collect. 
i dont know what to do. pick something and let the chips fall where they may. im considering paying childsupport to my stbxw, just on an agreement basis thru mediation, because thats more than worth it in concerns of my daughter. or i could hope to get it from my wife, fight for custody, and put us all through hell.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Okay, well that was the nice guy speaking.
Now im of a little bit different mindset.
Im reading other posts where men have left their wives with the kids because the men had EAs and then wanted to fool the wife into cheaper child support payments.
Well, I was the one whose wife had the EA. SHE racked up the credit card debts that are hers. I have some too.
Why should "I" move out, and "I" pay child support? Why shouldnt I go for full custody, and have my wife who makes 50% more than I do every year(debt or not) pay child support? 
If I cant afford the house then give it back to the bank.
She shouldnt be allowed a sweet comfortable home to live in, while I shovel off into an apt, and get visitation with my daughter.
This pisses me off so much..

Flip flop i go!!!
I really wish i knew what to do. Maybe I should just let the courts decide. Forget about the mediation idea. I havent stuck up for myself here. Her debts are her own problem. as mine are my own.
SHE chose this. SHE refused to change, and now SHE wants the divorce to escape her shame.

Her mom can go live somewhere else, or better yet they can go get an apt together, maybe that will help her.

Im in such a bad position. Be nice, allow my daughter the familiarity of the house shes grown up in with pets and yard and room to ride a bike, but at my own expense of paying child support and having to live without her for 100% of the time.

Its like i am giving my wife a get out of jail free ticket.
SHE wants this divorce, blames it on a lack of feeling, but quite frankly the xanax doesnt bring much feeling of anything. I sure havent seen a whole lot of tears from her about all this.

Cant really prove a whole lot in court with a printout of a hundred txt messages sent without their content. just numbers.

i dont really have any evidence to use as an "at fault" against her.
except maybe a court ordered mental exam might reveal.
worth the risk?

I can see it now.
"honey, ive decided that I dont want to leave our daughter with you as full custodian, and pay you child support and shove off into an apartment somewhere. 
Ive decided i am going to pursue full custody, and child support from you, instead of mediating an agreement of the exact opposite.
Sorry!"

sheesh,,, wish i knew how to make up my mind.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I agree. *SHE* gave up on the marriage. *SHE* had the EA which destroyed the marriage. 

I don't see why you should reward her for the destruction that she caused. You want to fight for your marriage? Then you must play the nuclear option. She knows whats at stake if you fight her in the divorce: financial devastation. Right now, she's hoping that you'll roll over quickly so she can be free to be with OM. Do you want that?

No! Of course you don't! Tell her you intend to fight her. Tell her you intend to fight for custody and if it means financial devastation, so be it. I suspect that she will quickly come to her senses. It is then you can start giving your demands. What you have right now is actually an advantage. You can make her stop the EA recommit to the marriage or face financial devastation and bankruptcy.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Fight for your child, remove your wife and her mother out of your lives. Stop being nice she cheated she goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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