# Would you take a bullet for your fWS?



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I am in the process of working on my self after my wife's LTA. It left me very frustrated and my self worth and esteem dropped to the floor almost instantly.

I am however doing good rebuilding my self esteem and trust in my self. I have learned that I can't change my wife and her views at things if she choose not to. I have also learned to see things exactly for what they are instead of overanalyzing and getting frustrated. So all focus is now on ME. Next step is to decide how I want to live my life and whether that includes my WW or not.

My question to is this; I have noticed a change in the way I look at my wife. More clear and more realistic. Before her affair I could say without hesitation that I would have taken a bullet for her - this is not the case now. Likewise I would have placed my life in her hands if necessary. This is definitely not the case now. To be honest; it scares me sometimes and I am not proud of it.

How do you feel about this? Would You take a bullet for your fWS? Would you place your life in their hands?

If you are a fWS your self - how do you look at this?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Take a bullet for her? Possibly. I took risks sometimes for total strangers.

But I think the question is off the mark. Taking a bullet is highly hypothetical, and most people without prior experience don't really know how they would behave. This is also more a matter of one's character and values than affiliation with person being saved.

A better question would be, would you take a second mortgage for your fWS? In my case - no.

Would I trust her my life? Possibly, but I'll think twice


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My WW has been out of the fog of her EA completely for about 7 weeks now,she sees the damage that was done and know what she almost lost wiich is everything.Real remorse is there and she is down on her self a lot,so a bullet? Yes several of them,give up my like to save hers? In a heartbeat,she means that much to me and she is a excellent mother
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

cpacan said:


> it scares me sometimes and I am not proud of it.


Being scared is okay because now you've opened the eyes and see the reality for what it really is. Waking up from a beautiful dream is scary.


But not being proud of it? Why not?
You should be proud of being able to see clearly and not be blind like you were before.
*Your wife *is the only one who should not be proud for the way you look at her now. This is what she turned you into.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

No! I've got two kids to finish raising and would love to play with my grandchildren one day.

(Plus, she's now my ex so I don't owe her a thing.)

Edit: I missed the 'f' in FWS so this doesn't apply to my situation.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Absolutely not. 

I would take a bullet for my children, but my WS is a grown adult, he made his bed, he is laying (or lying) in it and he is on his own. He drove the marriage into the iceberg, so for me, it's women and children first.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

No, but I'd sure as sh!t fire one.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I am in the process of working on my self after my wife's LTA. It left me very frustrated and my self worth and esteem dropped to the floor almost instantly.
> 
> I am however doing good rebuilding my self esteem and trust in my self. I have learned that I can't change my wife and her views at things if she choose not to. I have also learned to see things exactly for what they are instead of overanalyzing and getting frustrated. So all focus is now on ME. Next step is to decide how I want to live my life and whether that includes my WW or not.
> 
> ...


I feel exactly as you do. So much so that I filed for divorce. He still does not want the divorce, but I am moving forward because I don't feel he is doing the heavy lifting needed for me to heal from his emotional, financial and physical affair. 

Yes. prior I would have stood between a bullet to save him and I would have trusted him with my life. 

Now, I look at him and I see only a deceptive sleaze bag, who looked me in the eye and lied so darn convincingly. 

How can I ever trust him again?

Without trust, how can a marriage work. Trusting your spouse above all others is a cornerstone of a good marriage, IMO.

My husband has proved himself untrustworthy on so many levels.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

would never take one for her, but she pizzes me off enough, she might be on the recieving end.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

snap said:


> Take a bullet for her? Possibly. I took risks sometimes for total strangers.
> 
> But I think the question is off the mark. Taking a bullet is highly hypothetical, and most people without prior experience don't really know how they would behave. This is also more a matter of one's character and values than affiliation with person being saved.
> 
> ...


I know it's kind of hypothetical, but I take it that it's a measurement on the level of trust. My trust before was totally unconditional. I guess that I trust her to some level now, but all the way... nahh.

I now know what she's capable of, and I know that her level of respect in my doesn't keep her from making af bad decission.

I like the mortgage comparison - I actually do think twice before we spend money on the house.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> How can I ever trust him again?
> 
> Without trust, how can a marriage work. Trusting your spouse above all others is a cornerstone of a good marriage, IMO.
> 
> My husband has proved himself untrustworthy on so many levels.


I think it is possible to reach a certain trust level again if you work on it, but just not beyond naive trust. That was where I was, naive and way too dependend of her.

These are things that I work on my self to change. Still not sure that our relationship will survive when I get through with this though.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> No.


but youre a cop, youre supposed to take bullets!


(because you have a vest)


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> but youre a cop, youre supposed to take bullets!
> 
> 
> (because you have a vest)


She can have the love of her life take a bullet for her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No. 

I'd call an ambulance though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I think this question is kind of silly because just as we said that we would divorce our WS if they had an affair, and yet a lot of us did not. The same goes with this question, nobody really knows what he/she will do until after it happens.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> No.
> 
> I'd call an ambulance though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I figure, she didn't love me enough not to have an affair, then she doesn't love me enough to take a bullet for me, so why should I?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> I think this question is kind of silly because just as we said that we would divorce our WS if they had an affair, and yet a lot of us did not. The same goes with this question, nobody really knows what he/she will do until after it happens.


True. Its just venting.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> True. Its just venting.


I know.

I cannot help but wonder if those who vehemently answered no, would be the heroic ones. Choosing R does take some form of heroism.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well R was off the table, she still is fWW (as in she's now ans ex W) but despite the things I may or may not have been doing to protect my marriage, giving my ex W what she needed or failing to, if it came down to her life versus mine I would have have unquestionably layed mine on the line.

Now, not even a question, no way, she fired me as her loyal protector and quite honestly my son needs one good parent, I am a better dad to him alive.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Would You take a bullet for your fWS?
> *Most likely I would not.*
> 
> Would you place your life in their hands?
> *I would in a situation that involves pulling the plug after an accident, or if I was in a coma. I refuse to be a burden to my family, and I am not scared of dying. So I do not value my life so much, that I would not leave it in her hands*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I feel that I'd take one for any innocent person or for anyone that I had come to know and love. And that includes my STBXW's family who I love without question or equivocation(other than her own kids from previous marriage). But taking a bullet for either her or her wayward kids? There's absolutely no way I could bring myself to do that!

Placing my life in her hands? Serious trust issue there~ no way!

But I may well have to pray about all of this, though!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

in essence what OP is really asking-

post affair:
do you blindly love and value your spouse over your own well being?
and
do you trust your spouse to care for you in the same way?

honestly we could make up all sorts of weird questions that have the same answers, I'm reminded of that Book of Questions that was popular in the late 80's. It was just different morality and thought provoking questions.


(ie. would you rather pull the wings off of a butterfly or squash a ****roach? making you wonder if one life form is more valued than another)


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Whereas before I found out about the affair I would have said definitely yes and definitely yes, I have discovered things since that make me question what I believed fundamentally -- his trustworthiness and integrity. I might take a bullet for him; it depends on who was doing the shooting and whether W-STBXH had actually provoked it or created a situation in which I would do so for him or whether it was truly a bad situation in which he wasn't at fault. More likely, I'd try to defuse the situation so that there wasn't a bullet to be dodged -- and if I got hit by one in the process, that would be okay with me. I'd do this for any of the people I love (there are not many people that I love or even like, though I have many acquaintances and pals) and while I do not think we should be together at this time, I do still love the jerk. I would not trust my life in his hands anymore. I have done so in the past. He has always been good at keeping me physically safe, but he has courted danger recklessly and put me at risk as a result, believing in his ability to protect me; I trusted him to do so. However, disregard of me in his pursuit of other women and his his willingness to throw me under the bus to avoid censure for his own behavior demonstrates that he is not truly willing to protect me at the expense of damage to his own reputation (even when he has earned it) and that means I can't trust him. So, to answer your question -- probably yes (to the first) and nope (to the second).


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> (Would you rather pull the wings off of a butterfly or squash a ****roach? making you wonder if one life form is more valued than another)


That doesn't really fit in with my philosophy as I'd probably do neither to only exercise my worldly power over those particular creatures. I'd really have to have a real justification to ever want to do that~ i. e. a poisonous snake or spider that might bring potential harm to someone.

I think this question is more aimed at trust and love, and sadly for me, those feelings have fastly evaporated, at least for her.

And I would totally concur that if the shoe were ever on the other foot, that she absolutely wouldn't spit in my guts if I were on fire!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I cannot think of anyone, other than my kids, that I would take a bullet for, now, or in the past.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Depends on what caliber bullet we are talking about.

.22 short round fired from 100 yards - maybe.

.45 mag from 35 feet - hell no.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> No.
> 
> I'd call an ambulance though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, after i cracked open a beer.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> in essence what OP is really asking-
> 
> post affair:
> do you blindly love and value your spouse over your own well being?
> ...


True it is - it was just that the scenario hit me the other day. I thought about it years ago - and now I find that everything has changed. Just kind of sad - or I am just getting sentimental or stupid (probably just dwelling a bit on the loss)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ive thought about this since I read it early this morning. I think the answer is "yes". If and when I decide the answer is "no" then the pain of R is no longer worth it. Just my .02 cents.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ive thought about this since I read it early this morning. I think the answer is "yes". If and when I decide the answer is "no" then the pain of R is no longer worth it. Just my .02 cents.


Assuming it's possible for you to build that level of trust in another partner I take.
I can't see that for myself. I have gotten a less romantic view on things in general. I have found my limits, I guess.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

In a way, if we chose R over D didn't we kind of take that bullet?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

LeighRichwood said:


> In a way, if we chose R over D didn't we kind of take that bullet?


Good question 
I don't think of it that way. Taking the bullet would be an unselfish and loving act to protect my wife. R would be for me, a selfish act and choosing what's best for me.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

This is an interesting intellectual exercise. I wonder if there is a gender difference. I am married. Good marriage with no major issues, i.e. divorce is not looming on the horizon or anything. I love my husband, very much so....but, I just don't see me jumping in front of a bullet for him. Now, if he got shot, I would definitely be there 100% to help him heal, but the reality is, I have kids and I don't think I would put myself in mortal danger, even for him, and leave my children without a mother.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Wanting a Strong Marriage said:


> This is an interesting intellectual exercise. I wonder if there is a gender difference. I am married. Good marriage with no major issues, i.e. divorce is not looming on the horizon or anything. I love my husband, very much so....but, I just don't see me jumping in front of a bullet for him. Now, if he got shot, I would definitely be there 100% to help him heal, but the reality is, I have kids and I don't think I would put myself in mortal danger, even for him, and leave my children without a mother.



I think you have a point in there being a gender difference, males "are supposed" to protect their family with all of their masculine strength and agression... while the female normally takes the domestic supportive role (ie. you would help him heal a 100%).

I used to share that point of view, and I would do it without any doubt, anytime, for my kids.

What triggered my question was my awareness of my own change in doing so for my fWW. I haven't shared it with her - how would she think of this change? Would she expect me to take the bullet before? If yes, will she think, that I am the one that is not fully into saving what's left of our relationship?

Like you stated... it is mostly an intellectual exercise - but to me, it started quite emotinal.


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