# 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world...



## SimplyAmorous

*20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world...*

A # of times this article has been posted here at TAM...& thousands of times spread on Facebook/ Social media...

A divorced man’s twenty things to do differently - Marriage Advice I wish I would have had ...

...the response was one of pure inspiration -to "ridiculous advice"...asking "where is how the woman is supposed to treat the man ??!" 

Personally I found what this man wrote in the aftermath of loosing his wife... Beautiful....(This was them once upon a time *>*







...

..95 % of it my husband has always lived unto me.. and I dearly appreciate him being that sort of man.. in most ways I did not take it for granted.. though there were some areas I needed a brick & to grow in...









I've seen this article picked apart...example HERE (from a wife yet)... when it came to the sex part, she said she'd rather be "carried away in a taxi to the airport for a weekend with her girlfriends", his being transparent is







....she'd rather have wine with her GF's over her husband holding her too much & suggested Gerald Rogers must have listened too many times to Bruno Mars's  When I Was Your Man ...

I can be as critical as the next woman for sure.. but in this case.. I think to myself.. WOW ... REALLY [email protected]$% .. I found her responses cold & sarcastic & I sure didn't get the idea she cared much about her husband, but enjoyed a lot of space from him..(well maybe he is an a$$)...hopefully he felt the same or I'd feel bad for that guy!)...

My point... that's the nature of articles I guess.. and even marriages.. we just don't see things the same or want the same things.. or at the very least, the same intensity & affection that another couple may thrive on.. 

I wanted to give a flip side to this.. and speak from the wife's perspective how to Love, honor and cherish our men....to not take them for granted.. I am a better wife today than I was yesterday... and I have seen what THIS has done for my Husband's spirit, he came more alive unto me... how it has revived US to higher ground.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

***** Before I lay these out there...I have a caring well intentioned Husband in mind... (not perfect, no one is!)...but also not a willfully neglectful man who leaves us emotionally cringing due to his demeaning treatment of us as wives...if the woman is not feeling Loved by her husband..at least half of the time...these will be near impossible to follow.. her spirit towards him will be wilted, their will be resentment.... both need to do their part.. 

Sometimes we can carry the other, believing there is HOPE...to Revive what once was...the premise of  The Love Dare  ..in getting back to the GOOD...

*1. *







....There is a book entitled.." Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs ... that gets to the heart of this very valuable marital lesson...so much of this is in the little things we do daily....in how we look at him to how we respond... 

One wife said "‘I think that basically, you can’t just be in love with a man. I think you have got to admire him and like him."

Just a handful...

*** When listening to him... be approachable, ask questions, show interest..even if you may not agree, try to understand his point of view...

*** Find out what  Domestic Support looks like to him & do the things that matter to him.

*** If things are a little stressful, ask if there is anything you can do for him...and do it.

*** Help him de-tox from his day by providing a quiet, calm environment for him to come home to.

*** Try not to get frustrated if he doesn't express his feelings well as you would.. 

*** Understand he may need some cave time or time with his friends.. allow him this..

*** Do not interrupt him in conversation, speak over him.. or finish his sentences...NEVER demean him in public, or in front of friends, co-workers, relatives. 

*** When he has good insight, let him know, when he does something generous, acknowledge it, encourage him in his endeavors..

The respect we show for our husbands should be based on our desire to love them the way they need to be loved. It's recognizing what's important to THEM (whether or not we fully understand it). It's looking "not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others". ...otherwise it goes something like this *>> *







...if you click on this link.. Respect your Husband  ..you can read about the 3 cycles (Crazy, Energizing & Rewarded) ... 

 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband

Disrespect borders "emasculating" our men ... When a man feels emasculated ..

*2*.







...Having read endless stories here how husbands just want to feel DESIRED by their wives & the emotional angst & pain he feels in his wife turning him away...he is more sensitive here than you would even understand...(I didn't grasp it back in the day either- flew right over my senses & my H wasn't trying to explain it to me either)...

I read this somewhere & I have to quote it:



> Fulfilling our husbands sexually encompasses so much more than the physical act..it is embracing ALL that he is...It speaks our wanting to fully understand him and welcoming the sexual appetite that expresses his masculinity...It involves striving with him through weakness & temptation & covering his fears & failures. No magazine, no co-worker, no porn site can be this teammate and confidante for our husbands...This is our place, this is our power...this is our gift.. Unwrap it.


 And I say to all women...ENJOY HIM NOW... because someday you may slip in his shoes -when he is slowing down...and you will want to be filled just as intensely. 

I read this somewhere...Wives, the next time you refuse your Husbands advances to make love...go on a FOOD FAST the next day...and ask yourself what you was thinking about all day & how your stomach feels..this is how a man feels when he wants his wife.... it's a craving he just can't lay down when he is in love...it's not just a physical release for him... 

Listening to the words of Bryan Adam's  Please forgive me ..it hit me one day....this captures his emotional craving to be with us...



> Please forgive me, I know not what I do
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
> Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
> Please believe me, every word I say is true
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> 
> Still feels like our best times are together
> Feels like the first touch
> We're still getting closer baby
> Can't get closer enough
> Still holding on
> You're still number one
> I remember the smell of your skin
> I remember everything
> I remember all your moves
> I remember you yeah
> I remember the nights, you know I still do
> 
> So if you're feeling lonely, don't
> You're the only one I'll ever want
> I only want to make it good
> So if I love you a little more than I should
> 
> The one thing I'm sure of
> Is the way we *make love*
> The one thing I depend on
> Is for us to stay strongWith every word
> and every breath I'm praying...
> 
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you


This article speaks of the deep emotional impact we have on our husbands...a man longs to be passionately wanted by his wife... "A man’s ability to perform sexually, to arouse & please his wife, is central to his confidence as a man. The impact ripples into practically every other area of his life".... Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband...

*3. * *May we radiate a Positive Attitude*......







... Can our husband's always count on a ... kinds words...or does he enter the house walking on eggshells? of course we have bad days, wake up on the wrong side of the bed ....but the happy/ the bubbly should outweigh the negativity by 5 to 1...

Negativity can come in the form of cynicism, criticism, whining, attacking, pessimism, discontent, perfectionism, and hyper-intensity . All of these behaviors can push our husbands away... 

Is Negativity Hurting Your Marriage?


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

*4.* *Men want us to know how much they love us.*. 

This was a beautiful article - a survey to men ...the question was : 

What is the one thing you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her? 

Don't put yourself down, compare...Exude Confidence.... He doesn't see all the body flaws we think are so obvious...we can be over the top in this...comparing ourselves to others...or what they have/ do or wear... we need to focus on what’s good for us.... It’s a sure way to unhappiness & feelings of inadequacy if we're comparing ourselves to others.... there will always be someone younger, prettier, skinnier, wealthier, better dressed, etc. etc....

When we are confident in our own skin, our speech, our walk, our relationship with him, and our role as a wife, this IS attractive, he will be pleased. 

*5*. *Don't forget about DAD when our children enter our lives*..... (one of my blunders)...Whatever you do, don't put the babies in bed with you!.. don't ask me what I was thinking... I wasn't [email protected]#$...

I've read a # of books on hormones.. many do not realize ...Just as "the pill" can zap our sex drive ....so also can Breast feeding....a nursing mother produces unusually high levels of prolactin, the chief chemical in charge of milk production..when a baby suckles, the hormone surges to 10 times it’s normal value ...then gradually decreases...returning to it’s original levels over the next 2 - 3 hrs..women who breast feed on a regular basis have altered prolactin levels which severely reduces their arousal/ sex drive. This can be a very difficult time on our husbands..

Then as they grow, we can become so wrapped up in the soccer Mom thing - running ourselves ragged...let us remember our dear husband's need our attention, our hands on affection, encouragement & admiration as much as, if not more so, than our children...

Get a sitter.. take time out for those DATE NIGHTS.. and Romantic overnights to recharge your marital passion for each other..

*6*. *Stand by your Man*... I asked my Husband to help me out with this.. this was his 1st response.. he answered when I stand beside him.. if he messes up, I don't push it back in his face...I'm supportive, even the strongest men need a soft place to fall....Be his #1 fan, walking beside him...I thought of that old country song "Stand by your Man"



> Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
> Giving all your love to just one man
> You'll have bad times, and he'll have good times
> Doin' things that you don't understand
> But if you love him, you'll forgive him
> Even though he's hard to understand
> And if you love him, oh be proud of him
> 'Cause after all he's just a man.
> 
> Stand by your man, give him two arms to cling to
> And something warm to come to
> When nights are cold and lonely.
> Stand by your man, and show the world you love him
> Keep giving all the love you can.
> Stand by your man.


*7.* *Allow for some Mystery ...men still love a Challenge*... just don't make it too complicated.. I am having a hard time writing about this one -because I am more of the "open book" type (his words)... though I can still offer a good challenge to his senses.. or lets say.. never stop being Creative & bringing some of that back to HIM.... shaking things up a bit.. .. there is always something NEW to dig up and learn about each other...I liked this article..

Her Mystery Challenges Men  though this was geared more while dating..on the next page it says "Prior to marriage, mystique adds to her extraordinariness. After marriage her extraordinariness flows from other things that compliment him, complement his presence, and bless their marriage with her primal drive to nest and nurture."...

*8.*







..an element of surprise...Spontaneity in a relationship can be that spark that keeps the fire roaring. In the beginning, everything is New & EXCITING, but in time - routine sets in.. Comfort is all good but it can also weaken the freshness ...

So do things "Just because".. don't wait for a holiday...take a detour on the way home, visit an old make out site, plan a last minute trip... hear something that inspires/ see a clip on Tv, have a







moment...Bring it to Life!......

Greet him at the door in something ravishing (no, better naked with a Bow)....pull him upstairs ...some spontaneous lust is a real treat for our men !..







.

I heard Luther Vandross's "Dance with my Father" on the radio one night driving home...listening to those words... I decided to throw my husband a special dance on his B-day days away...me & the daughter got all dolled up -he was so surprised when he walked through that door after work.. very precious night that will live in his memory...

That's what it's about.. and don't forget to capture some photos along the way! 

*9.* *Affirm Him*.... a man wants to be around a woman who makes him feel like he is winning...when you see him goofing off with the kids & their laughing like crazy... it just makes you feel Good all over - let him know he is an awesome Father...when he is there for you, moments that carried you through the day, when he's done those little things...tell him how it made you feel...in the bedroom, that he can still get your heart racing.. Sing his praises.. let him know >>







.. (this will be much easier to do if your husband is not one who is egocentric of course... mine is very humble so I enjoy lifting him up).


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

*10* *Pick up the tool belt...when he needs a hand...Be his helpmate*...







......be willing to get our hands dirty with him....he will be impressed...he may even brag about you to the guys he works with..


*11*. *Dress for Him* ... seems so often we get all dressed up/ looking pretty fine...to go out with our Girlfriends, even on the job, to church...but we forget to dress "just for our husbands"... if he mentions he likes to see you in skirts...wear them -even around the house -during your chores !....

If the kids are gone in the am, put on some heels & cook his breakfast in some lingerie.. ...this just heightens the passion in your marriage, your effort to please him in this way...Oh he'll be after you.. but that's all the FUN !

I was so foolish here in our younger yrs...could kick myself now, I would wear "Little house on the Prairie" night gowns.. Husband should have burned them all !.... Went on a sexy Lingerie kick a few yrs back.. really turned up the heat ! ..TIP :Ebay has a lot of HOT things ladies ...if you're on a budget...

Husband's SO appreciate the efforts we make to maintain our attractiveness to them. 

*12.* *Our husbands desire to Please us...how important to communicate our WANTS clearly*... Men are not mind readers..







...I was reading an article about this.. and one of the responses was ....." I like to tell my wife “Start with the punchline”…to help keep me in the conversation. Sometimes if I know where the conversation is going to end, I can then enjoy the story of getting there."... 

*13*. *Join him in something he enjoys / His Hobbies* .... Recreational Companionship ...... Whatever your husband is into, show interest.. go along with him, share in his passion in some way.. 

If he likes to invite his buddies for Super Bowl Sunday.. cook up a storm & be a good sport for his night with the Boys... you still play a big part ..

If your husband wants to start a work out program, exercise together ! My H takes a day off work every year for an annual coin show, I don't know much about coins...but I always go!...Because he enjoys some Metal Detecting, once I planned a trip to a Campground that had a Weekend devoted to Treasure Hunts (something different)... Just looking into things they ENJOY..and being a Part of that.. it goes a long way. 

*14.* *Cook up his favorite dish*.. 

...Of course men cook today too!.. (though my H doesn't -unless it's Mickey mouse pancakes for the kids)......Preparing a special meal for our husbands, it's still good foreplay for our men.. be clued in to what he savors...it's putting a part of our heart's on that dish to him...it makes them feel greatly cared for after a hard days work... we, too, feel fulfilled seeing the enjoyment putting it down!... The time and effort we put into our cooking, preparing is felt through his satisfaction... It's nice to get compliments too! 

*15*. *To honor him with Honesty..our Loyalty and TRUST*...

Are You Building Trust into Your Relationship 

Trust involves a whole array of complex feelings like faith, belief, hope, conviction, confidence, expectation, dependence, and reliance. In other words, it is a huge emotional investment which, if abused, can increase your vulnerability to a lot of pain and heartache....this is so a 2 way street to build this foundation... 










*16*. *Be Playful...







*...Men love a woman who can laugh at his jokes...who isn't mindless but isn't always serious about everything either...

"Not sweating the small stuff" as they say....When we have a bad day/ when things go wrong... sure we get upset... but can we also just hang back & laugh about the Madness, finding it's silver lining... bringing some humor into it.. it's almost like a release... 

I have found in life, if everything went perfectly, we'd miss all those outrageous mishaps along the way, in recounting some of those, I have just about "peed my pants".... Laughter is a great aphrodisiac !









Onto relationship dynamics....for us to OWN our own hand in any squabble...if we were being sarcastic, getting a little rude & he calls us out.. just admit it !! This he can work with...taking responsibility for our emotions ...we've had moments like this .....so often this leads to some really FUN "Bantering" between us....this is part of our Playfulness even.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

*17*. *Be Sensual* ...*Initiate him!* ..do you air a sexiness that will draw his eyes to you when you enter the room..Embracing your femininity.. On the heels of "dressing for him"... we don't need to strut around in heels dressed like a Victoria Secret model every night, but we should feel comfortable in your expressing our sensuality to our man.. 

Our Initiating him ...is deeply meaningful and moving to our husbands... in this he feels deeply loved/ wanted... And don't forget BJ's either.. don't wait for "







to arrive.. honor him with pleasure, he will want to give you the world!

Us women generally take longer to get in the mood (what's that saying.. men are like microwaves, while we are the "slow cookers").... but don’t always wait for "that feeling"...do this because we love him...the arousal will be on it's way..if we're a receptive lover (so many women are)...his responding to us will turn the heat up!.. it's a win/ win.... 

And be creative here...“Let’s go to bed.” is a little too simple (though many wouldn't mind that!)...You might suddenly join him when he's showering...or whisper in his ear “I am craving you" with your hands reaching lower...telling him what you want to do to him... Throw a chill down his spine.. 

*18.* *Meet his Companionship Need*... Some will not agree with this.. but I know my own husband feels this way...he's said a # of times..."if a couple doesn't want to spend time together, why get married at all?"..... I read a beautiful article on the dance between a woman & a man...it spoke of meeting his "Aloneness need", this companionship need... it's also affirming his sexual identity , protecting him from temptation -which keeps him for life.. ...our "oneness" is a unity of Mind, body spirit.. 

It speaks to what "to have" and "to hold" means in the wedding vows.. I found it very inspiring...even if my faith is more Deistic these days..

God has given us women the privilege and the ability to bring life to our husbands with our love. 

*19*.








There is a couple Proverbs that speak to a wife's quarreling like a continual dripping of rain...& another that says "it is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house with a quarrelsome wife.”...We all have our moments (pms anyone ?)... but we don't want to be those wives !.. Spare our dear husbands ..

Our husbands want a partner who can laugh at herself ... They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it having that  self-awareness  ..our taking responsibility for our emotional experience..

There was a recent thread here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ever-listen-me-aka-blah-blah-blah-effect.html .. which illustrates a point.. what men & women seek in communication often is different..us women like to go on about our feelings, Bad day -we want to VENT...(we are wired empathetic nurturers -but boy can we be sensitive & get steamed!)... we seek to be understood / validated.... 

Our husbands are wired FIXERS / Protectors... they like to get to the point...some selectively tune out too much emotional detail -in just wanting to "fix it" and move on ... Problem solved..... If we see he is not engaged... the give & take is waning ...it's time to back away..condense our woes to him at the very least...it will make it easier for him to be there, hug us.. and comfort us.

*20*.*Our happiness means so much to our Husbands*... Yes.. you read this right..If he married you, He wanted and envisioned your happiness.. then too often Life, routine, kids , STRESS gets in the way... our attitudes flare, we INFECT each other... My husband did laugh at this one, he gave me a funny look & said "Not the guys I work with !"...it's more like this saying...









....I guess this varies by the man.. but I DO believe each started out THIS way... 

Author Shaunti Feldhahn says in her book "For Women Only"... "One of the primary indicators a husband uses to determine if he is successful as a husband, a father and a man is – his wife’s happiness." 

When your husband sees you light up with delight because of something HE did – this empowers him. Then he is motivated to do even more for you because you gave him the gift of your happiness. 

..There is something to be said for having a thankful heart...Happiness is not about acquiring a certain level of success ..it's so often appreciating "the little things"....offering forgiveness instead of holding onto a grudge ....or expecting the other to cave during an argument.. Hard as it may be...count our blessings... 

Practice* Gratitude*.... which line are we in ?









In closing...









Feedback...Ladies, husbands..... what you would add, take away...revise...please share !


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## jld

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

You always work so hard on your posts, SA! So interesting and colorful! 

As you know, I have a low-maintenance guy. Hardly seems to have any needs, even-tempered, just always seems pretty happy with me, no matter what. I bet a lot of gals can relate to what you wrote, though. 

Dh is away until Sat. He has been gone for almost 3 weeks. I really miss him.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



jld said:


> You always work so hard on your posts, SA! So interesting and colorful!
> 
> As you know, I have a low-maintenance guy. Hardly seems to have any needs, even-tempered, just always seems pretty happy with me, no matter what. I bet a lot of gals can relate to what you wrote, though.
> 
> Dh is away until Sat. He has been gone for almost 3 weeks. I really miss him.


I would count my H Low maintenance in many many ways also.. he is NOT a complainer on any level at all, I could even kick him for this in our past... 

Though he is very sensitive to my wanting him sexually -even if he says nothing ...if I didn't have an orgasm - he'd not feel fulfilled either....he would never verbalize this in a pressuring way...it's just that we've talked about these things ...he is just so much of a pleaser, this is where his satisfaction lies...this might drive another woman CRAZY but I LOVE THIS ...as I want mine every single time anyway, or I might pound on him!....

..And he'd never touch me again if I seemed "blah - not into it"...if that attitude started...I'd have to come to him....(he would grow a silent resentment over this though).... 

And as strange as this may sound, I ADORE these things about him (his neediness in these areas)...because I feel the same darn way....this is why I reacted so strongly on Neuklas's "I'm tried of trying" thread ...

I'd say you are very Low maintenance too Jld - just because of the living situation you & H are in...going WEEKS without seeing each other, touching each other.. I'd be climbing the walls...scrambling for him to get a different job so he could be home every night.

He didn't pass his last welding test out of town, just found out yesterday... so off he goes again for another week or so soon.. in all our yrs together, the longest we've been separated is 5 days/ a week at a time.


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## Trickster

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Geez SA

Sometimes, you make me cry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

I am sorry Mr SA has to go away again. I know that is hard on you. 

Lol, it is kind of funny to hear that dh and I are both low-maintenance. Life is pretty simple at our house, I guess.


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## SolidSnake

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Great Post Simply Amorous! Thank you.


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## CharlieParker

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



> 12. Our husbands desire to Please us...how important to communicate our WANTS clearly
> 
> 20. Our happiness means so much to our Husbands.


That's me. Here's a quote I like, "One of my male students explained it best. 'If she’s happy, it makes me happier.' This is the life-giving secret: He judges how well he is doing by the happiness of the woman he is with. The measure of his manhood is how happy you are. The happier you are, the happier he will be. When you are turned on, there’s nothing he can’t do."

For the past 10 or so years I haven't had to travel more than a week or two per year. My dad is in Florida and rather sick so I've going down there quite often and regularly, only 5 days at time but still it strains. OK, part is the stress from his health but we both do much better when together.


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## richardsharpe

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Good afternoon Simplyamorous
Great post. Also, I think you could apply pretty much all of those things to what a husband should do for his wife.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



Trickster said:


> *Geez SA
> 
> Sometimes, you make me cry.*


Trickster.. you are a Great guy.. when I read your pouring your story out on your ..."Is Friendship/ Companionship enough ?" thread...the more you shared, the more I felt your pain....now that got ME choked up!!.. it's the other side of this... what happens to us when these needs are not fulfilled.. I really don't know how *you* do it.. 

When you spoke of how there was NEVER any passion... yet no one could ever understand how much you love your wife, she was the one who stayed with you despite the wreckage of your past...she was your 1st GF, the 1st you held hands with ..then having your daughter, how you couldn't bear to hurt her & rip up her home....also how your wife was OK if you dated other women.. leaving your both tired & numb...

This part :


> *Trickster said: *I mostly want to experience love...I have so much love in me to give to people wanting to receive it...all kinds of love...to clients, older married couples who act as seragate parents, neighbors, female friends, the waitress, and even animals...My love and compassion for other people will NEVER diminish my love for my wife and daughter. They are and always will be my world...I will always be a giver...I enjoy making others feel good...At some point, I want/need that love reflected back to me...


Your sacrifice...damn it's commendable.. so unconditional even...yet I can't help but want to scream ...YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE [email protected]#$....then that post you left on SB's thread.. it's gone, but It stuck in my mind to how deeply these things CAN affect a man... 

I just hope you find your way Trickster. You deserve this..and your daughter is very blessed to have you.. and your wife too as I don't feel another man would be nearly as patient, hopeful , loving and kind...


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



jld said:


> *I am sorry Mr SA has to go away again. I know that is hard on you*.


 No, not really, when it's temporary... it's nothing.. it does build some sweet anticipation though! 



> *Lol, it is kind of funny to hear that dh and I are both low-maintenance. Life is pretty simple at our house, I guess*.


 I have my own theory on the high/ low maintenance thing.. I think we all CAN BE in some areas..(lifestyle expectations, material expectations, Romance, affection, time, sex ...as a few examples).... but then lesser in other areas.. over someone else...ya know.. none of it has to be a problem if our spouse FITS with us -in those higher expectations...but if not.. yes.. let the misunderstandings..hurt feelings...and fighting begin....


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



CharlieParker said:


> *That's me.* Here's a quote I like, "One of my male students explained it best. '*If she’s happy, it makes me happier.' This is the life-giving secret: He judges how well he is doing by the happiness of the woman he is with. The measure of his manhood is how happy you are. The happier you are, the happier he will be. When you are turned on, there’s nothing he can’t do."*
> 
> For the past 10 or so years I haven't had to travel more than a week or two per year. My dad is in Florida and rather sick so I've going down there quite often and regularly, only 5 days at time but still it strains. OK, part is the stress from his health but we both do much better when together.


You 2 are a fine match Charlie Parker and in this...you have the same mindset as my Husband has... Us ladies are very blessed by this !



> *richardsharpe said* :
> *Great post. Also, I think you could apply pretty much all of those things to what a husband should do for his wife.*










SolidSnake (I've enjoyed many of your postings)...and Richardsharpe for your comments... 

Yes, the majority can be turned around to how to love & cherish us wives...(I was allowing for Gerald Rogers link in my opening post to give some inspiration there)...though some would say he went too far in some of his..(though I think it depends on the woman -if she doesn't abuse it)...just like these... 

2 of these, I feel, would not FIT so well turned around though... ..I don't think the majority of women want any more *Initiation* from their horny husbands ~ they'd rather cuddle, suck up the affection, then be happy if he'd just go to :sleeping:...without reaching for her hot spots. (unless she is in Mid life of course- there are exceptions! )

This article touches on that... Love, sex and the male brain - CNN.com



> Perhaps the biggest difference between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2.5 times larger than the one in the female brain. Not only that, but beginning in their teens, they produce 20 to 25-fold more testosterone than they did during pre-adolescence.
> 
> If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of a cup a day. But a 15-year-old would be getting the equivalent of nearly two gallons a day. This fuels their sexual engines and makes it impossible for them to stop thinking about female body parts and sex.


Also.. although Husbands may put their Job over their wives, some hobby, or hanging with buddies.... I rarely hear women complaining that her Husband is putting the kids before her.. .. it's just not a common thing for Moms to get worked up over...that Dad is too involved with his kids...(unless maybe he is coaching a team or something)....though Jld has mentioned this...feeling sometimes she comes after the kids. 

I think when men DO communicate, they say what they need to say ...yet they fail to express the emotions behind it many times .. where as women are often too emotional... Men rarely Nag, they just get angry... then back away...

It's a Brain differential.. I looked some of these up...isn't it generally true! 



















This is making a little fun.... but I bet many women would attest !


----------



## richardsharpe

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Good evening simplyamorous
I would have thought that men were much more interested in and more likely to pursue women than the reverse until I started reading discussion groups like this. To my surprise it seems as many women as men feel sexually neglected in their relationships. :scratchhead:

Not what I expected, and one of the reasons I enjoy reading these groups (along with my never ending joy at hearing myself speak...)

Maybe this is a very non-random statistical sampling - people here are likely to have some sort of relationship problem and maybe we are getting a very biased sample of women. 


BTW - your male brain / female brain chart is wrong: Many men have a very substantial Chocolate lobe 

You are also missing the "dangerous things that go really fast" lobe. :smthumbup:


----------



## jld

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Lol, SA. I remembered the listening particle for men, but totally missed the mystery moods and behaviors one for women. Hilarious!

Yes, dh has been one to put the kids before me, and certainly before himself. He feels a great deal of responsibility for our children. He always wanted to be a father, I think.

Someone joked when we were first together that dh could be a guy having a dozen kids. A man he worked with thought about it a minute and said, Yep, I could see Dug doing that. 

But my body could never handle that. It was worn out after five. 

About your second to last section . . . Dh was just telling a man today that all these tests women give are just ways of asking, "Do you love me?" They are nothing to be scared of. And it is easiest if they are passed.


----------



## meson

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Great list! Three, five and and thirteen are important to me. Especially the one about attitude.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening simplyamorous
> I would have thought that men were much more interested in and more likely to pursue women than the reverse until I started reading discussion groups like this. To my surprise it seems as many women as men feel sexually neglected in their relationships. :scratchhead:
> 
> Not what I expected, and one of the reasons I enjoy reading these groups (along with my never ending joy at hearing myself speak...)
> 
> *Maybe this is a very non-random statistical sampling - people here are likely to have some sort of relationship problem and maybe we are getting a very biased sample of women. *


 I landed here because my sex drive was HIGHER and I didn't like it...it was unrelenting & rather tormenting.... I suddenly got a taste of what my H felt for the 1st 19 yrs..and for the life of me, I will never understand his patience & passivity when he wanted more.. at times I had meltdowns wishing he was 20 yrs younger..I even sent him to get his Test checked !... that phase lasted 8 months, then it eased up...now our drives are in sync.. 

So statistically speaking ..can any of us be boxed?.... it's too individual, various stages of our lives can alter these hormonal balances...(though much of sex is in the mind too)... for instance, some bi-polar's have "hypersexuality"...wouldn't matter whether they were male or female...they'd need meds to help cope with that. 

So yeah... the Majority of female posters HERE are high drive...they land here to cope with this (which is commendable).. I came here to distract myself -I was reading so many books on Sex, Hormones & spicing, I might as well be of some service, always loved forums anyway.. 

And the ones who are LOW DRIVE & start complaining they should only have to accompany their Husbands WHEN THEY FEEL LIKE IT - maybe twice a month (perhaps)...leave pretty quickly after they get cyber "beat up"...for their "I shouldn't have to" attitude...

Then there are stories where the man is expecting WAY TOO MUCH or Porn star behavior every night & she is left feeling Used, abused, resentful & beside herself (this is NOT Ok either).... some kind of healthy balance needs found in all these relationships... 



> *BTW - your male brain / female brain chart is wrong: Many men have a very substantial Chocolate lobe*


 Yeah our 2nd son seems to love it as much as me.. I know one thing, my lobe is about THAT BIG...











> *You are also missing the "dangerous things that go really fast" lobe*. :smthumbup:


 Even this varies from man to man.. My husband has always been very safety conscious ...he's never been interested in dangerous anything...(I do so love this about him though!)....even if we compared Driving, I am more of the Lead foot by far...


----------



## Fozzy

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

I honestly don't even know what I'd do if my wife treated me like this.

Not lying, it's genuinely hard for me to imagine.


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## Anonymous07

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

I've always loved following your posts SA. This is another good one. 

I know there are areas I need to work on, as I pulled away from the frustration I had. I'm working on being more supportive again and being a good listener, among other things. As with what my husband is working on for our marriage, it's all a work in progress.


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## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



SimplyAmorous said:


> ***** Before I lay these out there...I have a caring well intentioned Husband in mind... (not perfect, no one is!)...but also not a willfully neglectful man who leaves us emotionally cringing due to his demeaning treatment of us as wives...if the woman is not feeling Loved by her husband..at least half of the time...these will be near impossible to follow.. her spirit towards him will be wilted, their will be resentment.... both need to do their part..
> 
> Sometimes we can carry the other, believing there is HOPE...to Revive what once was...the premise of  The Love Dare  ..in getting back to the GOOD...
> 
> *1. *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ....There is a book entitled.." Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs ... that gets to the heart of this very valuable marital lesson...so much of this is in the little things we do daily....in how we look at him to how we respond...
> 
> One wife said "‘I think that basically, you can’t just be in love with a man. I think you have got to admire him and like him."
> 
> Just a handful...
> 
> *** When listening to him... be approachable, ask questions, show interest..even if you may not agree, try to understand his point of view...
> 
> *** Find out what  Domestic Support looks like to him & do the things that matter to him.
> 
> *** If things are a little stressful, ask if there is anything you can do for him...and do it.
> 
> *** Help him de-tox from his day by providing a quiet, calm environment for him to come home to.
> 
> *** Try not to get frustrated if he doesn't express his feelings well as you would..
> 
> *** Understand he may need some cave time or time with his friends.. allow him this..
> 
> *** Do not interrupt him in conversation, speak over him.. or finish his sentences...NEVER demean him in public, or in front of friends, co-workers, relatives.
> 
> *** When he has good insight, let him know, when he does something generous, acknowledge it, encourage him in his endeavors..
> 
> The respect we show for our husbands should be based on our desire to love them the way they need to be loved. It's recognizing what's important to THEM (whether or not we fully understand it). It's looking "not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others". ...otherwise it goes something like this *>> *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...if you click on this link.. Respect your Husband  ..you can read about the 3 cycles (Crazy, Energizing & Rewarded) ...
> 
> 101 Ways to Respect Your Husband
> 
> Disrespect borders "emasculating" our men ... When a man feels emasculated ..
> 
> [/url]



Wow. Good stuff SA. I'll have to address these a few at a time. 

I think everything is spot on in #1. I just look at the opposite of each statement and think, " nobody would want that."

I can't say that I had a lot of issue with these in my marriage(one reason my divorce has always puzzled me) but concerning the not getting upset if he doesn't express his feelings as well as you would. I did experience this some.

I'm a calm, laid back guy anyway. Along the way i would sometimes think, "Oh gee, I didn't react like you wanted, so now I'm in trouble." It was a weird feeling thinking that how I expressed myself wasn't enough. 

This goes with another think that i feel is important and may be included later in these numbers, but don't expect more of your spouse than you are willing to do.

Example concerning emotions. My x wife always wanted me to be emotional and be proud of her, which I thought I was. On the other hand, I won an award for my work once and attended a banquet for it, along with a few other award winners, but that didn't generate any excitement for her. It wasn't as if she was beaming with pride for me.


----------



## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



SimplyAmorous said:


> * 2.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ...Having read endless stories here how husbands just want to feel DESIRED by their wives & the emotional angst & pain he feels in his wife turning him away...he is more sensitive here than you would even understand...(I didn't grasp it back in the day either- flew right over my senses & my H wasn't trying to explain it to me either)...
> 
> I read this somewhere & I have to quote it:
> 
> 
> 
> And I say to all women...ENJOY HIM NOW... because someday you may slip in his shoes -when he is slowing down...and you will want to be filled just as intensely.
> 
> I read this somewhere...Wives, the next time you refuse your Husbands advances to make love...go on a FOOD FAST the next day...and ask yourself what you was thinking about all day & how your stomach feels..this is how a man feels when he wants his wife.... it's a craving he just can't lay down when he is in love...it's not just a physical release for him...
> 
> Listening to the words of Bryan Adam's  Please forgive me ..it hit me one day....this captures his emotional craving to be with us...
> 
> 
> 
> This article speaks of the deep emotional impact we have on our husbands...a man longs to be passionately wanted by his wife... "A man’s ability to perform sexually, to arouse & please his wife, is central to his confidence as a man. The impact ripples into practically every other area of his life".... Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband...*


*

Sex, what can I say. As I posted in another thread, I was naive enough in my youth to think every human being liked sex; it was one of those mind blowing things we all loved, and when you married someone that you loved, it would flow like honey. Boy was I wrong.

You spoke of enjoying him now. I always thought about that. I thought we were missing the best years of our life for that. When it came to sex, we sat around like we were in a nursing home with bodily limitations. I wondered if we did make it there some day, if she would be ok with our weak sex life we had. I guess I'll never know. 

You mentioned the hunger comparison. Great! I use that often. For me, planets never had to be aligned. What I need ed was the presence of my wife, which I had, and the desire just came naturally, and it didn't go away just because we put it off or our schedule changed. 

I never understood how someone desiring you couldn't make you feel good. I would have welcomed it.*


----------



## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



SimplyAmorous said:


> *3. * *May we radiate a Positive Attitude*......
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... Can our husband's always count on a ... kinds words...or does he enter the house walking on eggshells? of course we have bad days, wake up on the wrong side of the bed ....but the happy/ the bubbly should outweigh the negativity by 5 to 1...
> 
> Negativity can come in the form of cynicism, criticism, whining, attacking, pessimism, discontent, perfectionism, and hyper-intensity . All of these behaviors can push our husbands away...
> 
> Is Negativity Hurting Your Marriage?


I couldn't agree more. i couldn't stand to be around someone who was always in a bad mood about something.


----------



## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



SimplyAmorous said:


> *4.* *Men want us to know how much they love us.*.
> 
> This was a beautiful article - a survey to men ...the question was :
> 
> What is the one thing you wish your wife/significant other knew, but you feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?
> 
> Don't put yourself down, compare...Exude Confidence.... He doesn't see all the body flaws we think are so obvious...we can be over the top in this...comparing ourselves to others...or what they have/ do or wear... we need to focus on what’s good for us.... It’s a sure way to unhappiness & feelings of inadequacy if we're comparing ourselves to others.... there will always be someone younger, prettier, skinnier, wealthier, better dressed, etc. etc....
> 
> When we are confident in our own skin, our speech, our walk, our relationship with him, and our role as a wife, this IS attractive, he will be pleased.


This is true. I never understood the negative ideas that my x had about herself. I guess it was nothing huge, but there were these little flaws that she felt she had. I guess I could see them, but I thought, "so what, that's a flaw?"

She acted as though they made her less attractive, but I couldn't have cared less; they meant nothing to me. 

I assumed it must just be the way women are wired and I would never be able to fully understand it. I didn't worry in the same manner about myself.

My daughter recently showed me a YouTube tutorial on putting on make-up(we're just close and she wanted to). I didn't realize there was so much to it. OMG. Why would anyone put themselves through that?

I don't think most men notice if you have make up on or not. I went by my work place during off hours last year, and a female co-worker stopped by to pick something up. She later told me that she wasn't expecting anyone to be there and was embarrassed that she didn't have any make-up on. Of course, I didn't notice. 

If make up makes her so much better, I wonder why I didn't notice? I suppose in her mind I should have fainted at the difference, but didn't.


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## jld

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Lol, southbound. My husband does not like for me to wear makeup. I have always felt that he loved me for me, for what was inside. 

Not that he does not like the packaging, too, but the inside is what really matters to him.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



southbound said:


> *If make up makes her so much better, I wonder why I didn't notice? I suppose in her mind I should have fainted at the difference, but didn't.*





> *jld said*: *Lol, southbound. My husband does not like for me to wear makeup. I have always felt that he loved me for me, for what was inside.
> 
> Not that he does not like the packaging, too, but the inside is what really matters to him*.


Speaking of make up...yesterday went to see "Heaven is for Real" with the family, there was this video playing in the lobby when we walked in... oldest son says "Mom this is a great song, you need to watch this on you tube".... I asked what it was about.. and he said -how women are always trying so hard to be perfect , never satisfied with their looks... how we don't need make up, and it's called "*TRY*".. 

I don't know how the majority of men feel on this...but my H , and 1st 3 sons all feel make up is UNnecessary..... 3rd son PREFERS a girl *not *wear any...he just doesn't like it... 

And really... it makes me feel good the times H's told me I don't need it, that I am just as beautiful without ...but yet.. it's true, in my mind.. "*I want my make up!*"... 

Now granted, I can get ready in 2 minutes tops ...I don't over do it.. I swear I am faster than our teen sons getting ready to leave the house..seems I am always waiting on them...so I don't try very hard.. 

Came home...seen your posts on this, and thought "Hey... I need to put that video on here"...plays right into this message......

 COLBIE CAILLAT - TRY (LYRICS+VIDEO)


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## samyeagar

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Wait...what? You mean men need more than a tv dinner and a woman who lets him have sex with her? Oh the blasphemy!

I know in part our conversations helped spur you into this post, and I am so glad you put that disclaimer up front that essentially boiled down to how this applies to women who have a husband who actually deserves this. That is one of the things that I think was lacking in the original article about what the guy learned from his divorce, and sooo many of the Facebook meme posters...they seems to be working under the assumption that simply having a vagina entitles a woman to be treated in that way...just like a man needs to earn it from his wife, a woman needs to earn it from her husband. The fact that things are often not counterbalanced I think has contributed to a sense of entitlement among many young women. Oh I know that is very unpopular for me to say, and will likely ruffle some feathers because what about porn and all that that young men are buying into...well, in my own experiences, in what I have seen, and granted it IS anecdotal, but just observing my step daughter and her friends, my sons and their friends, I think it is the girls with the far more entitled views and behavior.

I think the root of what you have here is challenging the "common wisdom" stereotypes about men, our needs...the whole "Well, they say..." mentality.

As a man who has fundamentally been the same through two marriages, one that ended in divorce, and one that is very strong...the differences in women are night and day, and the differences are the very list you have compiled here. As I said, I am fundamentally the same man, same behaviors, same treatment and I was completely miserable in my marriage to my ex wife even though materially, we had it all, but she missed just about everything in your list. Now, I have never been happier in my life even though it is a day to day struggle with my wife, but she nails just about everything on the list. Night and day SA. The fact that my ex is NPD probably has something to do with that, but I digress


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## badcompany

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Great post SA. Unfortunately I can attest to the fact that after we had kids I could put a line thru almost all those items while I continued to gave it the best I had.
I'm hopeful that maybe version 2.0 will come along one of these days and be the real deal.


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## TruthHunter

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

SA - As a man, I would agree that this advice and insight is spot on. Thank you for sharing. It made me so happy to read this post, remembering what once was; and at the same time so very sad, realizing what has been lost - the will of my wife to partner with me in proactively maintaining a good marriage. Maybe some day...


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



> *Southbound said*:
> I can't say that I had a lot of issue with these in my marriage(one reason my divorce has always puzzled me) *but concerning the not getting upset if he doesn't express his feelings as well as you would. I did experience this some.
> 
> I'm a calm, laid back guy anyway. Along the way i would sometimes think, "Oh gee, I didn't react like you wanted, so now I'm in trouble." It was a weird feeling thinking that how I expressed myself wasn't enough. *


 I put that in there because I have wanted my husband to be more forthcoming, as expressive AS ME at times....(this really is a tall order)....but I've come to realize, this by no means = he's unengaged or lacking in feeling...we're just different ! 

He is more laid back over me for sure....he would say us women can "over express" ...Oh that's all good when we're feeling bubbly, affectionate, playful -this can be a lot of FUN...but this can swing the other way too...








A couple lines from Keirsey's Different Drums for Different Drummers says >>


> Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.
> 
> Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be. I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.


 But even in these differences...THIS in itself can be a real blessing...I know in our marriage, I am more the Hot Head between us...and he is so laid back.. but it just works.. I can rile him up ...and he has a soothing effect on me.. it brings us together.... He "gets" me.. he knows I mean well.. even if I am not the most patient woman around... he's said It has it's benefits- that I get things done, get things straightened out.. (saves him the hassle many times)...



> *Southbound said* :*This goes with another thing that I feel is important and may be included later in these numbers, but don't expect more of your spouse than you are willing to do*.


 Yes.. how true this is...It would be a form of Princess Syndrome to expect more or pampered treatment over what we are willing to give back ourselves...

I think the problem enters in -in that what we each want is so different, this is where so many get stuck...the divide between the sexes.



> *Example concerning emotions. My x wife always wanted me to be emotional and be proud of her, which I thought I was. On the other hand, I won an award for my work once and attended a banquet for it, along with a few other award winners, but that didn't generate any excitement for her. It wasn't as if she was beaming with pride for me*.


 sounds some of your co-workers would have been slapping you on the back saying "good Job -you deserve this"... over your own wife.. yeah Southbound...it shouldn't be this way...

When one of us gets honored, it should be a cause for celebration! I can't think of my H ever getting an award in his life really.. yet there were times I was beaming none the less.... they were still accomplishments.. therefore "exciting" ....one of those was when he finished that "Project truck" he bought in pieces in our early marriage... It was such an under taking...wasn't sure they could pull it off...then the 1st time we took it for a drive down the road.....it was like ... "Damn you really did it baby - look at us! "...we just felt on top of the world....and the day he came home getting the job he has now..his 1st day showing me his yellow hard hat...just more of the same....it just rises up on the inside... I was so proud of him. Maybe these would be little things to others, but to me... they were BIG.

I guess I am trying to say.. even every day stuff.. small accomplishments along the way.. it's still cause for some personal celebration at home.


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## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

All these things are great.

I suppose I'm low maintenance. What I really wanted was a sweet personality, and just to act normal. I know normal can be debated, but I don't require everything to be over the top. Just be normal, don't expect more of me than you are willing to give, have a sex life, and I'm good.


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



southbound said:


> *Sex, what can I say. As I posted in another thread, I was naive enough in my youth to think every human being liked sex; it was one of those mind blowing things we all loved, and when you married someone that you loved, it would flow like honey. Boy was I wrong.
> *
> You spoke of enjoying him now. I always thought about that. I thought we were missing the best years of our life for that. *When it came to sex, we sat around like we were in a nursing home with bodily limitations.* I wondered if we did make it there some day, if she would be ok with our weak sex life we had. I guess I'll never know.


 I still think your ex's taking "the pill" played a role here... you even mentioned it to her..as did her friend ...but she refused to see if it would reverse -saying she was fine (Translation = basically it's "your problem")....unworkable spirit ...so many things we don't plan on.. 

A # of threads on this here... this woman was on the pill for 14 yrs, all she cared about was once a month, never thought about sex.... then she got off.. and WOW -her eyes were opened *>> *







..... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/11437-increased-sex-drive.html ........

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/13252-pill-i-know-why-works.html.......http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/51428-pill-your-libido.html

I've just read too much on this forum...I so worry for my own sons someday...they need to be aware what can derail a healthy drive...to not learn the hard way...... then resentment will bite them...the push & pull begins...one is hurt , the other annoyed/ bothered..this leads to fights and/ or stuffing... it's just a bad place for any couple...the longer it goes on, the harder it is to dig out from.



> *I never understood how someone desiring you couldn't make you feel good. I would have welcomed it*.


 When I questioned my H's desire ...in this I was over reacting....he had it, I just wanted *more* of it...I felt like my thirst could not be quenched...I didn't like that....I told him one night with the most serious of faces...I felt like *a burden*...He shot back ... "Sex a burden, are you crazy !" ....laughing at me...he sure made me feel better reacting like that !

I really think I would have emotionally cracked if he didn't want me/ pushed me away....It's just something I needed.. I so empathize with any partner (male or female) suffering in this...this is one area I am "high maintenance" in I guess !

I wouldn't care if we lived in the middle of a corn field (almost bought a house like that once)...but I gotta feel like I'm wanted in this way...this is like "the Fire"...otherwise....it just reduces a couple to Roommates.. .. that's just ...should never be...


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## over20

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



southbound said:


> All these things are great.
> 
> I suppose I'm low maintenance. What I really wanted was a sweet personality, and just to act normal. I know normal can be debated, but I don't require everything to be over the top. Just be normal, don't expect more of me than you are willing to give, have a sex life, and I'm good.


Sounds like my husband too, I think in general husbands are easier to please than us wives...:smthumbup:...sometimes I envy him for that. He has taught me how to appreciate the little things on a regular basis....and seeing the big picture before reacting.


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## xakulax

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Excellent post SimplyAmorous!


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## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



over20 said:


> Sounds like my husband too, I think in general husbands are easier to please than us wives...:smthumbup:...sometimes I envy him for that. He has taught me how to appreciate the little things on a regular basis....and seeing the big picture before reacting.


Right. I often think that what I want from a woman toward me is more an absence of obvious negative things rather than the presence of perfection, and the things I desire are just simple, normal things, not things that you have to be a mind reader to understand, or things that when you learn about you find yourself thinking, "really, she needed that, I had no idea."

For example, I wouldn't want a demanding, sour, grouch, but then, who would? It's not like that's a news flash. So, the "absence" of that would be a pleasant personality, which I would assume everybody would want and find to be a reasonable expectation.

I think a lot of the things numbered in this great thread would just come naturally to a degree if one were not a selfish grouch. 

Like #3, for example, having a positive attitude. The opposite is having a negative attitude, so, who would want that, nobody.
The absence of a negative attitude will let this flow naturally.

Unlike what my x wife seemed to want. I thought i had a lot of positives going toward her, but she apparently needed more, so that left me scratching my head. I think men are sometimes easier to please.

Does this make any sense?


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



samyeagar said:


> Wait...what? You mean men need more than a tv dinner and a woman who lets him have sex with her? Oh the blasphemy!
> 
> *I know in part our conversations helped spur you into this post, and I am so glad you put that disclaimer up front that essentially boiled down to how this applies to women who have a husband who actually deserves this. *


 Yes.. I noticed your taking BIG issue with Gerald Rogers's list of 20 things he would do differently early on in a couple threads here...many men did...it seems anytime a thread is posted to inspire / encourage catering to one gender....it will get picked to pieces ... I guess the disclaimer saved me from being : Co-dependent , a kept woman, or a Stepford wife..







..I don't know.. 

Me personally...I can appreciate both sides when I read a heartfelt post ...I look through it with the eyes that the other is giving back.....otherwise the writer would not have that attitude..but instead something like this...







...coming off in her writing...



> *samyeagar said:* That is one of the things that I think was lacking in the original article about what the guy learned from his divorce, and sooo many of the Facebook meme posters...*they seems to be working under the assumption that simply having a vagina entitles a woman to be treated in that way...just like a man needs to earn it from his wife, a woman needs to earn it from her husband.*
> 
> The fact that things are often not counterbalanced I think has contributed to a sense of entitlement among many young women. Oh I know that is very unpopular for me to say, and will likely ruffle some feathers because what about porn and all that that young men are buying into...well, in my own experiences, in what I have seen, and granted it IS anecdotal, but just observing my step daughter and her friends, my sons and their friends, I think it is the girls with the far more entitled views and behavior.


 Yeah you won't get many brownie points with the women for this... I tend to look at it in a different light over you.. I really don't see one sex any worse over the other .. I think so many are struggling....to fill a VOID through various means ..... we think we know what is Best for us, we do lots of experimentation...this can create unintended baggage, we get distorted views on relationships (we see this all around, few good examples to boot).....too many are escaping (trying to fill a void) through social media, the pressure to be popular/ accepted...through food, alcohol, drugs, sex, workaholism / chasing success...porn addiction, new Romances - chasing another dopamine rush.. 

I guess I don't necessarily feel women are worse, but I DO feel men are greatly influenced by the feminine..maybe I am not giving men enough credit here..... I think *our behavior* many times will influence *their behavior *back to us...and this can be good or bad... men hopefully will feel the VIBE to those who feel they are "owed" / entitled.. this always comes out in their attitude if they stick around long enough, and to how they treat others as well.. 

Where men drop the ball too often, I feel.. is LOOKS..if she is







, they put up with more grief...we're all a package deal...have our imperfects - don't dismiss the














..they WILL come back to bite!



> *I think the root of what you have here is challenging the "common wisdom" stereotypes about men, our needs...the whole "Well, they say..." mentality*.


 Like this ...







it's funny ...when I read things like this. I have agreed with it too ...it's just honing in on 2 areas ...not being grossly detailed (hey, like SA & my lengthy posts!)...but those 2 things are VERY IMPORTANT for many MEN... and if even 1 of these suffer...generally the drainage of the balls ....it goes hand in hand with that saying...

"Sex may be less than 10% of the relationship but when it's Dry, rejecting & the bed is cold...it will feel like 90% of the marital problems"...... it will cloud even the sunniest of days... every vacation where he came home without making love.. it can cause great bitterness..

Just as we want to feel heard, held, loved & accepted ....to the vast majority of men... this holds truth..

I was looking up men's stereotype's & found this article.. I think you'd like it Samyeagar.....

The Most Harmful Stereotype about Men & Sex. | elephant journal



> *samyeagar said*: *As a man who has fundamentally been the same through two marriages, **one that ended in divorce, and one that is very strong...the differences in women are night and day, and the differences are the very list you have compiled here. As I said**, I am fundamentally the same man, same behaviors, same treatment and I was completely miserable in my marriage to my ex wife even though materially, we had it all, but she missed just about everything in your list. Now, I have never been happier in my life even though it is a day to day struggle with my wife, but she nails just about everything on the list. Night and day SA. *The fact that my ex is NPD probably has something to do with that, but I digress


 I've read post after post here that says "we all change...we're never the same people we was when we started out".....I could never fully relate to this.. .. my Husband is like you Samyeagar, I wouldn't say he has changed at all from then to now...he just has more to show for his life...his confidence has grown as well as his family, he has a better Job (thank God!)....but fundamentally he is at his core, that same good man with the best of intentions then..as he is today.. still living them. 

As your story illustrates.. WHAT A DIFFERENCE ONE SPECIAL WOMAN CAN MAKE IN A MAN'S LIFE..

I think it comes down to this...


----------



## Faiora

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

I think these lists are nice to read, but not generally helpful for someone having relationship issues. When you tell someone they can help their relationship by baking cookies, making dinner, or having more sex, then the natural response is to try those things to the point of resentment that it isn't working. "To do lists" just don't seem like a good idea to me. What I think people need during tough times is to look a bit deeper.

To me, a relationship all about teamwork. And the most important thing for a team to consistently work on, in my opinion, is communication. 

When there's a breakdown in communication, it's often because there are assumptions being made, or the whole truth about something isn't coming out (or both). 

It can be hard to know if you are making assumptions, so my advice would be to focus just on eradicating the negative ones. Positive assumptions are often harmless, sometimes helpful (Ever watched Legally Blonde? Elle is likeable for this very reason), but negative assumptions breed more negativity. 

Your spouse is a person with fears and needs just like you, and if they're acting in a way you don't like, it's probably because they are feeling cornered or scared or insecure - not because they're out to get you. We all feel scared and insecure sometimes. But you know your spouse, and you love your spouse. They are the same person you met years ago - it's only the circumstances that have changed. 

When the whole truth about something isn't coming out, it usually stems from the same place as assumptions. If you're not telling your partner you want to try anal, or if your real reason for not wanting to visit their mother is not -actually- the terrible food, you're coming from that same place of insecurity. Take a look at your reasons, then take the steps you need to take to ultimately be honest. It feels SO GOOD to get these things off your chest...

But most importantly, it puts you and your spouse in a position to work as a team to resolve problems.

(Then again, you could read this as "be honest about everything with your spouse" which sounds like a to-do list item, and could definitely result in a lot of people saying "I tried that and my wife left me"... so, to summarize it a bit better: Try to assume your spouse has good intentions, and give them the opportunity to assume the best of you, too)


----------



## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



Faiora said:


> I think these lists are nice to read, but not generally helpful for someone having relationship issues. When you tell someone they can help their relationship by baking cookies, making dinner, or having more sex, then the natural response is to try those things to the point of resentment that it isn't working. "To do lists" just don't seem like a good idea to me. *What I think people need during tough times is to look a bit deeper.*










.... if there is any *resentment*, for example...this needs uprooted..and open honest communication going forth...I'm all for the DEEP....it's vital for true reconciliation/ forgiveness and intimacy to flow again...I did a variety of threads specifically on some of these deeper issues...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...transforming-our-marriages-relationships.html

The Transparency thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

I do like to read these kinds of lists, however, it can provide nuggets of wisdom.. that is how my brain works anyway...it's like planting a seed/ an idea... .one can pick & choose what may relate to them & throw the rest out..



> *Faiora said* : *To me, a relationship all about teamwork. And the most important thing for a team to consistently work on, in my opinion, is communication*.


 Absolutely...







its EVERYTHING !! .... Teamwork.. another term I found on this forum is called "Interdependence" 

I offer this article which speaks about what makes for a healthy INTERdependent marriage....it speaks about "growing together"... 



> Increasing Intimacy in Marriage
> 
> *Forms of Intimacy*
> 
> Intimacy can have different meanings for men and women, however intimacy experts Stahmann, Young, and Grover note that “all human beings have the basic need to be intimate and close with another person.” Women are often portrayed as having the desire for emotional intimacy while men are portrayed as only having a desire for sexual intimacy. However, intimacy can take many forms, including the following:
> 
> *Emotional intimacy* is the closeness created through sharing feelings. Because girls are encouraged to recognize and express their emotions from an early age, women generally understand emotions better than men. Unfortunately, society tends to discourage men from feeling or showing emotion. Men who didn’t learn how to be emotionally intimate while growing up can learn as adults. If they do, their marriages will be stronger and healthier.
> 
> The first step to emotional awareness is to pay attention to your feelings, identify them, and think of possible reasons for them. Work on noticing the differences between strong emotions such as terror and fury and the differences between more subtle emotions such as anxiety, insecurity, and irritation.
> 
> Emotional intimacy can occur once people know what they are feeling, convey those feelings to each other, and express concern and understanding of their feelings to each other.
> 
> *Mental or intellectual intimacy* involves a mutual understanding about all the important issues in your marriage. Setting goals together is one way to further intellectual intimacy. For example, you might set goals to improve your intimacy, to save a certain amount of money, or to go for daily walks together.
> 
> *Spiritual intimacy* involves sharing religious beliefs and observing religious practices together, such as praying and attending church. As you share spiritual experiences, you will become united in your attitudes and goals. Ed Wheat suggests that couples become active in a church where they can learn, grow, and serve God along with others.
> 
> *Recreational intimacy* is enjoying activities together, like running, golfing, or reading. Things as simple as popping popcorn and watching a movie or preparing a meal together can be good ways to build recreational intimacy.
> 
> *Financial or monetary intimacy* comes with discussing and sharing your finances. If you have separate accounts and separate incomes, you probably lack financial intimacy in your relationship
> 
> *Sexual intimacy* is one of the most important dimensions of healthy marital intimacy. Healthy sexual intimacy includes sexual frequency that both partners are satisfied with, sexual activities both partners enjoy, and an open dialogue about sex. David and Amy Olson found that a major strength for happily married couples is the quality of the sexual relationship. In their research, the most common sexual concern is differing levels of interest in sex.
> 
> Happier couples tend to agree in their definition of sexual satisfaction and have fewer worries about their sex lives than unhappy couples. More than half of all married couples, they note, have trouble discussing sexual issues.





> *Characteristics of Intimacy*
> 
> Relationships with healthy intimacy have several factors in common, including the following:
> 
> *Mutual trust* builds a sense of security for both spouses. You can show it be having no desire to injure your spouse in any way. Though you might unintentionally cause hurt, you won’t hurt one another on purpose.
> 
> *Tenderness* includes gentle expressions of caring. Through touch you can express your love to your partner. This affectionate contact is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love.
> 
> *Acceptance* is unconditional approval in a relationship. No one is perfect, but acceptance means not holding weaknesses against one other. If you find yourself frequently pointing out your spouse’s faults, work on focusing instead on the qualities you fell in love with.
> 
> *Open communication* is the ability to discuss anything with your spouse. It includes sincere expression of thoughts and feelings as well as careful listening. Signs of poor communication include feeling reluctant to tell your spouse about the events of your day or being unwilling to listen when your spouse is explaining how he or she feels.
> 
> *Caring* is genuine concern for your spouse’s well-being. If you do things you know hurt your spouse, you cannot have healthy intimacy. You can develop a more caring heart and mind by learning to think of your spouse’s feelings before your own. Always ask yourself before acting or speaking, “If I do this or say this, will I hurt my spouse?”
> 
> *Apologies* are the remedy for mistakes that spouses inevitably make. Recognizing mistakes, taking responsibility for them, expressing remorse for any hurt caused, and making a commitment to change the hurtful behavior are all essential to mending the relationship after a mistake. For spouses who have created a chasm of hurts that separate them, offering a sincere and humble apology is the first step in building a bridge over that chasm. Even if you believe that your partner made the mistake, you can begin the healing by finding something you did that calls for an apology.
> 
> *Forgiveness* is the process of letting go of anger, desire for revenge, and obsessive thinking about times your spouse has hurt you. It includes giving your spouse permission to have weaknesses, make mistakes, and change. Seeing the goodness and strengths of your spouse along with the weaknesses can open up emotional space for good will to build toward your spouse. Forgiveness does not automatically create trust or reconciliation, nor does it mean you approve of bad behavior. But it is an important early step toward rebuilding a fractured relationship.
> 
> *Appropriate boundaries* are the limits you place on a relationship. The limits can be created individually or as a couple. These limits include saying “no” when your spouse asks you to do something that goes against your values or is more than you can handle. Setting firm, clear boundaries for yourself and respecting the boundaries of your partner create feelings of safety and trust.
> 
> If your relationship is in trouble, one or both of you might decide to write a “Bill of Rights” that clearly defines the conditions necessary for staying in the relationship. For example, one woman told her husband that she would stay in the marriage only if there was (1) mutual respect, (2) no drinking/drugs, (3) no hitting or emotional abuse, (4) no name-calling, and (5) no cheating/affairs.


----------



## Faiora

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



SimplyAmorous said:


> .... if there is any *resentment*, for example...this needs uprooted..and open honest communication going forth...I'm all for the DEEP....it's vital for true reconciliation/ forgiveness and intimacy to flow again...I did a variety of threads specifically on some of these deeper issues...
> 
> I do like to read these kinds of lists, however, it can provide nuggets of wisdom.. that is how my brain works anyway...it's like planting a seed/ an idea... .one can pick & choose what may relate to them & throw the rest out..
> 
> Absolutely...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> its EVERYTHING !! .... Teamwork.. another term I found on this forum is called "Interdependence"
> 
> I offer this article which speaks about what makes for a healthy INTERdependent marriage....it speaks about "growing together"...


I think I've read a few of your other posts, now that I see this.  

A lot of times these lists do actually go deeper into an issue, despite starting out with a flimsy title like "bake your husband cookies!" For example, that section might go on to talk about making sure you're thinking of your spouse's needs and wants, rather than just your own. I don't by any means think the lists are inherently bad.

Mainly I worry about people trying out the items on the list, and then writing off their relationship, feeling resentful that these things they tried didn't help. I think people go searching for these lists in an effort to find an easy fix. 

But it's not about the things you try - It's about caring about your spouse, and making sure you're putting the same effort into your united front. It also means your intentions are in line with these values - making yourself better, not just baking cookies with an expectation your spouse will improve. 

(Don't get me started on that old "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" nonsense. Intentions are important, goshdarnit.)

Anyway, not arguing. Just adding.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



Faiora said:


> *When there's a breakdown in communication, it's often because there are assumptions being made, or the whole truth about something isn't coming out (or both)*.
> 
> It can be hard to know if you are making assumptions, so my advice would be to focus just on eradicating the negative ones. Positive assumptions are often harmless, sometimes helpful (Ever watched Legally Blonde? Elle is likeable for this very reason), but *negative assumptions breed more negativity.*


 I have never watched Legally Blonde.. I can only speak from my own experience... I am not one to sit on an assumption...I'm really good at coming forth & asking what he thinks...like RIGHT THEN.... or how he feels...what he wants, what he'd like for me to do differently...Understanding each other is THAT important..it's how I breathe even (at least today)....I want his happiness.. ya know.. (though in the past I wasn't asking the RIGHT questions--mainly about SEX) ...this was our only blunder...missing each other.... We all have something [email protected]#

There again ...THIS comes back to communication.. I don't think many spouses would be upset to hear "How do you feel about that?" - asking their opinion... or "What can I do differently?"... it's more of us not wanting to hear the answers.. or even be afraid to speak the answers or we'll be put in the







... 



> *Faiora said:* Your spouse is a person with fears and needs just like you, and if they're acting in a way you don't like, it's probably because they are feeling cornered or scared or insecure - not because they're out to get you. We all feel scared and insecure sometimes. But you know your spouse, and you love your spouse. They are the same person you met years ago - it's only the circumstances that have changed.


 You are speaking about the fear of vulnerability here... very common.. if you've never seen this video... please take 20 minutes ...

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Talk Video | TED.com



> *Faiora said:**When the whole truth about something isn't coming out, it usually stems from the same place as assumptions.* If you're not telling your partner you want to try anal, or if your real reason for not wanting to visit their mother is not -actually- the terrible food, you're coming from that same place of insecurity. Take a look at your reasons, then take the steps you need to take to ultimately be honest.* It feels SO GOOD to get these things off your chest*


 I looked up your http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/81409-coffee-shop-method.html thread..... that was some really good advice.. :smthumbup: ... For us.. our meeting at the coffee shop is more like meeting in the bath tub every night.. we go over our day, speak about this or that..even talk about threads I read here!







... so long as those meetings of the mind & heart is going forth we feel connected, in tune with each other, so many ways [email protected]#

Thank you for your thoughts Faiora!


----------



## Faiora

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I looked up your http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/81409-coffee-shop-method.html thread..... that was some really good advice.. :smthumbup: ... For us.. our meeting at the coffee shop is more like meeting in the bath tub every night.. we go over our day, speak about this or that..even talk about threads I read here!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... so long as those meetings of the mind & heart is going force we feel connected, in tune with each other, so many ways [email protected]#
> 
> Thank you for your thoughts Faiora!


Ahahahahaha.... if you're having Coffee-Shop Meetings in the bathtub, you're ahead of me. Although, I don't think my SO and I would fit in a bathtub together, to be fair.


----------



## southbound

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



Faiora said:


> I think these lists are nice to read, but not generally helpful for someone having relationship issues. When you tell someone they can help their relationship by baking cookies, making dinner, or having more sex, then the natural response is to try those things to the point of resentment that it isn't working. "To do lists" just don't seem like a good idea to me. What I think people need during tough times is to look a bit deeper.
> 
> To me, a relationship all about teamwork. And the most important thing for a team to consistently work on, in my opinion, is communication.
> 
> When there's a breakdown in communication, it's often because there are assumptions being made, or the whole truth about something isn't coming out (or both).
> 
> It can be hard to know if you are making assumptions, so my advice would be to focus just on eradicating the negative ones. Positive assumptions are often harmless, sometimes helpful (Ever watched Legally Blonde? Elle is likeable for this very reason), but negative assumptions breed more negativity.
> 
> Your spouse is a person with fears and needs just like you, and if they're acting in a way you don't like, it's probably because they are feeling cornered or scared or insecure - not because they're out to get you. We all feel scared and insecure sometimes. But you know your spouse, and you love your spouse. They are the same person you met years ago - it's only the circumstances that have changed.
> 
> When the whole truth about something isn't coming out, it usually stems from the same place as assumptions. If you're not telling your partner you want to try anal, or if your real reason for not wanting to visit their mother is not -actually- the terrible food, you're coming from that same place of insecurity. Take a look at your reasons, then take the steps you need to take to ultimately be honest. It feels SO GOOD to get these things off your chest...
> 
> But most importantly, it puts you and your spouse in a position to work as a team to resolve problems.
> 
> (Then again, you could read this as "be honest about everything with your spouse" which sounds like a to-do list item, and could definitely result in a lot of people saying "I tried that and my wife left me"... so, to summarize it a bit better: Try to assume your spouse has good intentions, and give them the opportunity to assume the best of you, too)


Good post. I think you are right. To-do lists don't usually fix a marriage. It may be great to polish on them when the marriage is going well anyway, but not usually a fix. I spent a lot of my marriage helping out around the house, for example, cooking, cleaning, etc., because I thought that is what women appreciated. I'm sure she didn't hate it, but in the end, it didn't win me any points with her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



> *Faiora said*: I think these lists are nice to read, but not generally helpful for someone having relationship issues. When you tell someone they can help their relationship by baking cookies, making dinner, or having more sex, then the natural response is to try those things to the point of resentment that it isn't working. "To do lists" just don't seem like a good idea to me. What I think people need during tough times is to look a bit deeper.





southbound said:


> Good post. I think you are right. To-do lists don't usually fix a marriage. It may be great to polish on them when the marriage is going well anyway, but not usually a fix. I spent a lot of my marriage helping out around the house, for example, cooking, cleaning, etc., because I thought that is what women appreciated. I'm sure she didn't hate it, but in the end, it didn't win me any points with her.


Ok ...well let's turn this around.. I'll surely agree with you both....it takes an awful lot more than "doing things" if what is lurking inside is in turmoil with our partners, wouldn't matter how many dishes the man washed, how many flowers he sent or how many Bj's she gave....

So instead of a list of positive ideas (some may see these as "fluff" even)... this will speak to the meat of what NOT to do..and this goes for women as well as men of course...making sure these are uprooted in our relationships....and how very very very important they are!! 

 The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> *** *Defensiveness*- conveys the message, “*The problem is not me. It’s you.*” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.
> 
> Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> *** *Stonewalling* -
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
> 
> Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....
> 
> Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall


----------



## meson

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



Faiora said:


> I think these lists are nice to read, but not generally helpful for someone having relationship issues. When you tell someone they can help their relationship by baking cookies, making dinner, or having more sex, then the natural response is to try those things to the point of resentment that it isn't working. "To do lists" just don't seem like a good idea to me. What I think people need during tough times is to look a bit deeper.
> 
> To me, a relationship all about teamwork. And the most important thing for a team to consistently work on, in my opinion, is communication.
> 
> When there's a breakdown in communication, it's often because there are assumptions being made, or the whole truth about something isn't coming out (or both).
> 
> It can be hard to know if you are making assumptions, so my advice would be to focus just on eradicating the negative ones. Positive assumptions are often harmless, sometimes helpful (Ever watched Legally Blonde? Elle is likeable for this very reason), but negative assumptions breed more negativity.
> 
> Your spouse is a person with fears and needs just like you, and if they're acting in a way you don't like, it's probably because they are feeling cornered or scared or insecure - not because they're out to get you. We all feel scared and insecure sometimes. But you know your spouse, and you love your spouse. They are the same person you met years ago - it's only the circumstances that have changed.
> 
> When the whole truth about something isn't coming out, it usually stems from the same place as assumptions. If you're not telling your partner you want to try anal, or if your real reason for not wanting to visit their mother is not -actually- the terrible food, you're coming from that same place of insecurity. Take a look at your reasons, then take the steps you need to take to ultimately be honest. It feels SO GOOD to get these things off your chest...
> 
> But most importantly, it puts you and your spouse in a position to work as a team to resolve problems.
> 
> (Then again, you could read this as "be honest about everything with your spouse" which sounds like a to-do list item, and could definitely result in a lot of people saying "I tried that and my wife left me"... so, to summarize it a bit better: Try to assume your spouse has good intentions, and give them the opportunity to assume the best of you, too)


Much of what you say here is spot on. But there is a use for lists for many even me. Blindly doing items from some list is not a prescription for a better marriage. You as a spouse need to determine what needs your spouse has. If they don't tell you this can be hard. Lists are useful for many looking to find out what could be done to help the marriage. It is then up to you to figure out if it matters or not in your marriage. 

I can say that I found usefulness is these kinds of lists when I was seeking to create a trusting environment that would enable my wife and I to communicate better. Your comment about assuming good intentions was exactly something I did as well. But my actions on a few other things provided consistency between my words and actions which helped overcome our communication issues. 

I've seen in a few recent threads exactly what you say. A spouse tries something and it doesn't work so it is then proof the marriage is hopeless. Changes take a lot more than one item. They take many items in word and deed to begin to turn around resentment. Lists like SA's are useful for changing the entire context of the marriage.


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## OldGirl

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

Thanks, SA, for all your help. I printed it all out


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## Adelais

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

So much information, SimplyAmorous! Thank you. I haven't read it all, but scrolled down to see it will take a couple of readings to internalize it. Do you have it all in a printable version, that doesn't use lots of ink, for background color?


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## Adelais

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*

This worries me:










Our counselor said that while a man's basic needs are sex and food, along with respect, a woman's basic need is emotional connection, and a feeling of safety.

Since the time I broke down crying during sex because my emotional needs weren't being met, I have stopped initiating it.

I worry that he is going to walk out of the marriage, saying it was a sexless marriage.

It feels like a catch 22. Be true to myself: husband is unhappy because he doesn't get sex. Keep husband happy (by having sex) when my own needs aren't being met: I am miserable.

He is gone for 5 days, and home for 2 or 3. We are not able to work on our marriage because of how much he is gone. If he snaps at me, I definitely don't feel needed, or sexy, but there is this voice in my head saying, "You should be having sex, for his sake, because he is leaving again for 5 days."


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: 20 ways to speak Love & Admiration to our husbands - Shake it up & Rock his world*



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Our counselor said that while a man's basic needs are sex and food, along with respect, *a woman's basic need is emotional connection, and a feeling of safety.*
> 
> Since the time I broke down crying during sex because *my emotional needs* *weren't being met*, I have stopped initiating it.
> 
> I worry that he is going to walk out of the marriage, saying it was a sexless marriage.
> 
> It feels like a catch 22. Be true to myself: husband is unhappy because he doesn't get sex. Keep husband happy (by having sex) when my own needs aren't being met: I am miserable.
> 
> He is gone for 5 days, and home for 2 or 3. We are not able to work on our marriage because of how much he is gone. If he snaps at me, I definitely don't feel needed, or sexy, but there is this voice in my head saying, "You should be having sex, for his sake, because he is leaving again for 5 days."


I don't feel this applies AT ALL when you are not getting your basic emotional needs MET.. it's like when our bodies are sick... we need to go to the Doctor so we can GET WELL.. ... when something is THIS AMISS, the distance THIS DEEP that you are breaking down sobbing in the middle of intimacy... this is NOT OK in ANY WAY, shape or form.... how does he react ?? Does this not move him.. make him feel awful ... surely! Your counselor is right.. that we NEED our emotional needs met.. to come closer to our husbands.. 

If he leaves over this & takes no care to come your way being a better husband.. let him go, he's not worth it !... he needs to be a *workable partner* in this.. not dismissing his role in loving & caring for his wife ! 

I am so sorry for all you are going through .... to KEEP GIVING and GIVING when he is oblivious / showing callousness to what you are feeling.. this will only create more resentment.. you will feel drowning beside him.. 

That saying above is fine when we have our needs met too.. he needs a wake up call.. Denying the sex , even causing *a fight *is better than giving in to that!! 

Has your counselor had you fill these out ..the Emotional needs Questionnaire ...taken from : His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  







 Emotional Needs Questionnaire










> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*


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