# Is my marriage over?



## Weclash (May 10, 2017)

Me and my husband have been married 25 years. We met young and i feel it was a mistake to get married so young as we both didnt get a chance to shop around and discover ourselves properly. As problems started to develop we wanted to hold the marriage together for the sake of our kids so we experimented with an open marriage. This caused many problems with jeolousy. My husband then tried to get me into swinging which i hated. I did mmf 3sums for him to keep the peace. We are now in our late 40s and things are at breaking point. He still wants to do swinging but i dont. He thinks our sex life is boring and he cant get turned on by having normal sex. I am outright refusing to involve myself in that stuff anymore. I hate it. I also dont have much of a sex drive. I admit i just dont make the effort. I find sex boring with my husband and dont tell me to try and spice things up. Nothing works. I feel the only thing that would make me interested in sex again is if i were to meet a new partner. The only positive thing in our relationship is we get on as friends when all this sex stuff is not being mentioned but although this is enough for me its not enough for my husband so we keep arguing and falling out over sex.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is there possibly any interest in both of you in kinky monogamous sexual things? bondage for instance? Shibari? Sounds like he needs kinky sexual things now to keep him interested, but 3-somes are not the only kink out there...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh boy.

No answer here.

You have tried everything ...and I mean everything.

Except divorce. 

You are correct. Get new life partners...try something different. 

Divest, split by half, divorce.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Weclash said:


> I am outright refusing to involve myself in that stuff anymore. I hate it.
> 
> ...
> 
> The only positive thing in our relationship is we get on as friends when all this sex stuff is not being mentioned.


Since you already have an "open marriage" and you do not enjoy having sex or talking about it, can't you just advocate for him to enjoy himself with another lover while you simply opt out from joining them? Or would you struggle with jealousy if he enjoys himself too much without you?

I'm guessing you may actually desire "normal sex" and get frustrated that it is not enough for your husband, and this impacts your self esteem. in the event that is the case, you may be better off finding someone that adores you and is happy with only being with you.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Weclash said:


> Me and my husband have been married 25 years. We met young and i feel it was a mistake to get married so young as we both didnt get a chance to shop around and discover ourselves properly. As problems started to develop we wanted to hold the marriage together for the sake of our kids so we experimented with an open marriage. This caused many problems with jeolousy.


I take it that the jealousy came from him. How did you feel about the open relationship situation and having sexual relations with other men? How active were you in it? 

Were you secretive about it? And were you finding yourself getting emotionally attached to your other partner(s)?



Weclash said:


> My husband then tried to get me into swinging which i hated. I did mmf 3sums for him to keep the peace. We are now in our late 40s and things are at breaking point. He still wants to do swinging but i dont. He thinks our sex life is boring and he cant get turned on by having normal sex. I am outright refusing to involve myself in that stuff anymore. I hate it.


Why did you hate it?



Weclash said:


> I also dont have much of a sex drive. I admit i just dont make the effort. I find sex boring _with my husband_ and dont tell me to try and spice things up. Nothing works.


A couple of things about these statements, because I am getting the impression that it is more than just low drive. You don't have much of a sex drive with him.



Weclash said:


> I feel the only thing that would make me interested in sex again is if i were to meet a new partner.


This sounds like you are looking for "limerence" and the thrill of a new relationship. 



Weclash said:


> The only positive thing in our relationship is we get on as friends when all this sex stuff is not being mentioned but although this is enough for me its not enough for my husband so we keep arguing and falling out over sex.


When you say the only positive thing in our relationship is that we get along as friends, it doesn't really sound like it is "enough for you". And I can virtually guarantee you that it isn't enough for your H, because everything you are saying above demonstrates to him that you aren't interested in a sexual relationship with him any more. 

And I'm not saying he is right to be pushing you for this other stuff that you aren't comfortable with, but he is arguing with you because you are asking your H to essentially give up his sex life. 

In general, I find your post very contradictory. You sound like you want out of the relationship and to be free to pursue other men, or at the very least, to cheat on him and him to be happy with it. Is that a fair assessment?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I'm afraid it is highly unlikely your husband will come to his senses.

My wife and I actually did some swinging. But we are wild children of the 60's. It was interesting. But I certainly would not have bothered if we weren't both curious. Your husband's disrespect for your opinion makes it ugly.

He should love you above all else. After all, unless he is into guys you have everything he needs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Weclash said:


> Me and my husband have been married 25 years. We met young and i feel it was a mistake to get married so young as we both didnt get a chance to shop around and discover ourselves properly. As problems started to develop we wanted to hold the marriage together for the sake of our kids so we experimented with an open marriage. This caused many problems with jeolousy. My husband then tried to get me into swinging which i hated. I did mmf 3sums for him to keep the peace. We are now in our late 40s and things are at breaking point. He still wants to do swinging but i dont. He thinks our sex life is boring and he cant get turned on by having normal sex. I am outright refusing to involve myself in that stuff anymore. I hate it. I also dont have much of a sex drive. I admit i just dont make the effort. I find sex boring with my husband and dont tell me to try and spice things up. Nothing works. I feel the only thing that would make me interested in sex again is if i were to meet a new partner. The only positive thing in our relationship is we get on as friends when all this sex stuff is not being mentioned but although this is enough for me its not enough for my husband so we keep arguing and falling out over sex.


Maybe you feel sex is boring because you lost your emotional connect to him when he started looking elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. I'm sorry but I always feel when one partner wants to open the marriage and the other doesn't it just better to end the marriage. Allowing one partner to basically have affairs because you feel pressured into it is a recipe to disaster. Is this what happened? My question is why would anyone want this? Life is too short. Especially when there are a whole boatload of men who wouldn't covet your sexuality not ask you to give it away. Contrary to the zeitgeist lots of people want their spouse to covet them. It's nice to know that they want you. 

Yes your marriage is over, if you're smart.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think the begining of the end of your marriage is when the open marriage started. Not many marriage survive that. If he still wants to swing and you hate it then there isn't much common ground. I'm not sure there's much that can be done in your situation unless he agrees to stop swinging.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I like the way you cut right to the chase; "Is my marriage over?"


Yes, I'm afraid it is. You've passed the point of no return during which you find too many things annoying about your husband, you aren't turned on by him and haven't been for a while, and he wants something you have no intention to indulge him anymore.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Is your husband bisexual? I'm assuming he is since you mentioned you've both been involved in MMF situations.

He just wants to fly his freak flag at this point and be involved in alternate sex situations (swinging, orgies, blah blah blah). He's not interested in intimacy anymore.

You're probably right that this marriage has run it's course, especially if you married too young.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Weclash said:


> Me and my husband have been married 25 years. We met young and i feel it was a mistake to get married so young as we both didnt get a chance to shop around and discover ourselves properly. As problems started to develop we wanted to* hold the marriage together for the sake of our kids so we experimented with an open marriage*. This caused many problems with jeolousy. My husband then tried to get me into swinging which i hated. *I did mmf 3sums for him to keep the peace.* We are now in our late 40s and things are at breaking point.
> 
> *He still wants to do swinging but i dont. * He thinks our sex life is boring and he cant get turned on by having normal sex. *I am outright refusing to involve myself in that stuff anymore.* I hate it. I also *dont have much of a sex drive. * I admit i *just dont make the effort*. *I find sex boring* with my husband and dont tell me to try and spice things up. Nothing works.
> 
> I feel the *only thing that would make me interested in sex again is if i were to meet a new partner.* The only positive thing in our relationship is *we get on as friends* when all this sex stuff is not being mentioned but although this is enough for me its not enough for my husband so we keep arguing and falling out over sex.


*Is my marriage over?*

First let me say that based on MW Davis work (Divorce Busting, etc), a marriage isn't over until both partners want the marriage to end or until both partners accept that the marriage is over.

You and your husband have some serious issues to resolve and yet if sex is off the table you say you are friends. 

You and your H need to figure out if the two of you want the marriage to end or not. If the two of you decide yes, then your marriage is over.

If even one of you says no, then that partner can change and reinvent themself in the hope of saving the marriage. You can't change your partner and they can't change you. You both know that, but you can change yourself and you can change the way you will allow yourself to be treated.

You need some serious discussions with your H. My advice is to get to a very good marriage counselor that is also a sex therapist. Your marriage has problems and you seem to indicate they are strictly related to sex. I suspect they include lots of other things, but you haven't shared those with us and will probably take some heavy discussion with an ST to bring them out.

In the saving of my marriage which became a sex starved marriage, the ST and marriage counselor helped us focue on the positive things, the things we shared, including our dreams of the future. Once we both became committed to the future together, then we worked on the sex problems and the underlying issues that created the sex starved marriage. It was hard work and took time, but was worth salvaging a marriage where we were both friends and shared so much outside of sex.

Good luck. I hope that you and your H find what you both want. Your post sounds like you want permission to end your marriage. That is something you must get from your H, not us.


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