# End it When It Never Ends !



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

This is a summary of my story for who doesn't know it

Our kids who live with us are D17 and S12. 
We are separated under the same roof since 5 months (4th January 2010) after 28 years of *emotionally and verbally* abusive marriage escalated to become *physically* abusive toward me and my daughter(one accident in February 3rd)
and threats of killing me and my daughter 17 years old.
He started the *separation* and used the *silent treatment* for four months.

After that he asked for new chance i gave him (19th April) 6 months trial to see if i can put him back into my life and to see if he can improve. During this period he started back *raging* and also *threating to commit a crime* by killing me and my daughter)
I asked him to see psychologist because his *rage was scary and uncontrolled*

First he definitively refused but when he saw me serious about living him he started seeing psychiatrist and asked me for a last chance but he took all the chances i can't trust back into my life someone who threatened to kill me and hurt my kids
I insisted to be in* separate houses* he refused each time coming with different silly reasons 
His last reason was as he said he can't survive without me. *He will die* and if this happened i should know why(i know like that he is trying to guilt me and manipulate me but even he has high functioning BPD traits he is depressed and he could show low functioning traits at anytime and this scares me he might hurt me and himself mostly himself just to put the blame`on me or maybe he would commit suicide)
(He already spent times without eating in outings with his family)

I am doing well in *forcing boundaries* BUT
the *stupid thing* i did now is I told him the only reason i am staying with him is because i can't afford to move out.

After that he is laughing singing and acting really happy disregarding how i feel.
I am sure he has this good mood now bc he thinks i am still under his CONTROL 

I know now i can't do anything but i started seeing T and i am working to know more about myself my needs my values my goals in life... in one word to know my *IDENTITY* that i never knew while under the contol of my father and later the control of my H.

One great help during this period was the support of people who gave me important advices and i am really thankful for that

I still feel something cutting my breath. I can't live helpless i know this is waste of time i am not helping him nor myself I know staying separated under the same roof might be for ever without improvement i am not sure when i will be able to move (financial problems)
BUT
Remembering one time a friend said i am not helpless and the trauma i am living will end when i decide. PERIOD.

SO
NOW 
I DECIDED to *file for divorce* when i had this thought i felt relieved.

One think still scares me, HIS REACTION.
Eventhough he is showing a lot of change in his behavior, I know people doesn't change over night.
He is so calm so nice to the kids he is talking to them with a very rational way he never did that before, with me i can't tell about his way (i limited my contact with him to the minimum;when he crossed my boundaries or when we have something to deal with in our daily life) 

What scares me will he turns back to his accusations and rage when he will know i filed for divorce????

*I need advice*

-What are the good side and bad side of divorce under the same roof????
-Do i have other solution????
-Legal separation IMO is useless now and waste of time for nothing(as long as he feels there is hope he won't start changing and he will keep feeling me under his control) plus i don't think it will work under the same roof i was thinking of it if we are in separate houses. What do you think? Am i right????
-I have no friends or family from whom i can borrow money or live with until i can find a second job.
-I am living in CA i got legal advice. They told me It will take 6 months and legally i can get divorced and continue to live under the same roof.
-What do you think about my case with the history i had with him?????

Any suggestion?????


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You cannot possibly have this guy served with divorce papers and expect to live under the same roof. This model doesn't work for couples that have no where near the kind of issues you do.

Do not do it.

If you are clear in your decision then start formulating a plan that will enable you to have either your own place, or living with someone else. A friend, family, a shelter if necessary. 

Make the planning process part of the work you are doing with your therapist.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Wait until you are financially ready to leave, and THEN serve him with papers.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You cannot possibly have this guy served with divorce papers and expect to live under the same roof. This model doesn't work for couples that have no where near the kind of issues you do.
> 
> Do not do it.
> 
> ...





turnera said:


> I agree. Wait until you are financially ready to leave, and THEN serve him with papers.



You may think I am crazy to do that
You may think I am irrational
or you may be angry at me bc when I didn't listen to your advice

Believe me I appreciate every word you said I understand the hidden reasons for that and your concerns I am not trying to justify my behavior but I need to explain myself
Full of faith
Full of believe that I am doing the right
and praying God will help me and guide me to the safe port
I am not putting myself into fire I am in the fire and trying to find the exit (I might be wrong)
The only thought that made me go for it was my hope for him to start looking at himself
and try to heal not to keep focusing on me. He won't get any progress like that
I still have a part of me who still hope to live together happily for ever after i don't know why i know i don't love him i don't trust him anymore but i don't know why i still have this hope)
I know how much risky what I did
I might lose him for ever 
I might find another man or 
I might gain him back to me (but the way i deserve to live)
That was my prayer
That was my choice with all my believe that I am choosing the right
The best for him and the best for me and my kids

Waiting to get second job is like waiting a fish in the ocean 
I could wait for ever before I will become able to move 

Yes I FILED FOR DIVORCE !!!

Hopefully I won't regret what I did

Please I still need your advice!! And your opinion!! And for most your support!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just don't understand what you expect to happen, once he gets the papers served to him? When you can't go anywhere! He will be furious. He will be desperate. You may be in danger, and you will have no resources to get away from him safely.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I know it is a risky and dangerous step 
I had to take it i can't handle this kind of life anymore so if he became violent.

Than maybe i will get Police Report and go to a shelter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok. As long as you're willing to leave. Good luck. 

Do you have a friend or neighbor you can get hold of, and ask them to be available, 'on call,' so that if you see him getting served, you can ask this person to be at your house with you?


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Friend no but neighbors yes i will ask them this favor


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