# anyone get back together?



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

just curious. does anyone know a couple who seperated then got back together? is it possible? i'm really not holding out anymore hope coz i don't need the heartache, but he's moving out in march and said we weren't going to get divorced for a while still. i always figured if you don't want someone anymore and there's not going to be a battle, then just get the divorce done and over w/. my brother-in-law's divorce was a quickie and they fought over everything


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

yes there is hope... If he was adamant about leaving, why would he not be moving out today? Why wait another month and change?

About your relationship, can you give us more details so that we can understand where you are and maybe have some insight to share?

~Moog


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

he's been saying he wanted to leave since september, but didn't have the money coz he didn't want to screw me over w/ the bills. the he started saying that he didn't want to make our daughter suffer from not being able to pay the bills on my own. now's tax season and he's hoping his refund will be enough for a place. he'll give me money for the bills, but he still has to buy all new furniture which is going to cost him more that what he'll get back.

you can go back through my threads coz there's too many details. but in the end it comes to him thinking i didn't love him enough, i haven't changed from the person i was when we met and he has, i put my family before him, and he just doesn't feel anything for me anymore


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

my H and i of 14 yrs this yr, married 9 next month. have been through the mill on more than one occasion and split up several times in the process for different reasons. 
our longest split was 10 months and we totally lost everything. that was in 1999. 
i mean all love gone etc etc . no respect and all that.
after that we just had periods where we needed time away from eachother and our last split was last april for a few months. H had a one night stand. im stil going through a process now of rehabilitation in my own head, if that makes sense.
but we got back together. then i fell out of love with him and now im starting to fall for him again.
however having been through these cycles b 4 with eachother. thats why i wouldnt give up, rather give eachother space and time apart again.


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I think Justean is onto something. I don't think that his leaving is going to be beneficial to anyone at this point. the fact that you can still exist under the same roof is evidence enough that it is not over...

That said, I would strongly suggest that you both find some common ground and work from there. I have said time and again that love is not truth. Love is an emotion and a state of mind and can change from one moment to the next. Truth is not so forgiving and cannot be altered.

That said, go to Mort Fertel's site and sign up for the freebies so that you get the e-mail steps on how to save your marriage. practice what is in those e-mails and it should be enough on it's own to re-kindle the relationship. I am a firm believer that you should at the very least cohabitate for a period of 6 months before separating. If it doesn't work out, then what have you lost?

Good luck!

~Moog


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i'm willing to do whatever it takes. he's not willing to do anything. we just finished talking. he got a seperate checking account, we're deciding on the most fair and even way w/ joint custody. i told him that i'll be getting the management job at either the new salon my company's opening this fall, or sooner at another salon coz there's going to be staff changes. so i'll be working every weekend and he won't be going away every weekend. surprisingly, he's not fighting w/ me about it


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

is it possible that you called his bluff and he didn't want to play his hand? i'm in a situation where i've been separated for about 6 months and my wife hasn't filed for divorce...even though she has nade statements in the past indicating that she would. i didn't call her bluff, but i did say "i agree with the decision you've made. you made it for the right reasons and i agree with you."

interestingly (and frustratingly and thankfully) enough, she has yet to take that step. ju jistu is based on this push and pull principle.

you wanna save it? work on the friendship. don't have heavy conversations about the relationship. and maybe find a good individual counselor. discuss the things your husband has told you he dislikes about you. and get to repairing that part of you.

i believe i owe the fact that i am still married, not divorced, to the woman of my life to the notion that one person can help improve--save--a marriage. i think i've built a pretty good foundation for us when that day comes.

good luck. and keep us posted.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

tried counceling, didn't work. worked on fixing what's wrong w/ me, he doesn't want to give me 1 more chance to show i changed. the only thing i said to him about divorce is that i don't want it so he's the 1 who's going to have to file and do everything. i have no idea if i called his bluff or not, he's too damn stubborn to admit if he was trying to bluff or change his mind on anything. he'll do things out of spite sometimes so i have no clue anymore


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

wonder said:


> tried counceling, didn't work. worked on fixing what's wrong w/ me, he doesn't want to give me 1 more chance to show i changed. the only thing i said to him about divorce is that i don't want it so he's the 1 who's going to have to file and do everything. i have no idea if i called his bluff or not, he's too damn stubborn to admit if he was trying to bluff or change his mind on anything. he'll do things out of spite sometimes so i have no clue anymore


number one there is nothin wrong you.

number two - if your H is detached then i think you should try the reverse psychology. its not a quick process , but when are most processes quick in relationship.

whatever you used to do, have a go at reversing it.

your not being detrimental to n e one . then you focus on yourself and your children and your life etc. its like your leaving him out of the pic. 
no matter what you choose say as calm as possible.
as much as he vents, just walk away.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

wonder said:


> i put my family before him, and he just doesn't feel anything for me anymore


Why does he think you put your family before him? Do you agree & have you made any changes here?


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

my parents couldn't afford to live on their own, so we all moved into a house together. it was only suppose to be for a yr or 2 so we let my parents have the mast bedroom, used their furniture, and didn't care about paint color so they picked it. then my husband started changing his mind and wanted everything his way. everything was already situated, but we slowly started adding our own stuff, our own pics on the wall, our desk, our big screen tv, our couch. then my parents fell into even more financial trouble, so we didn't go our seperate ways, instead i helped them out w/ a financial deal, he didn't agree to it 1 bit and kept saying i shouldn't do it. i wound up getting screwed over $2000 that he and i, well i am now, are still paying back. then my father died and my mother was crushed so i supported her. i've since changed. my mother doesn't get her way anymore, i'm argueing w/ her almost every day. whenever she says something bad about my husband, which he doesn't deserve, i put her in her place. the only problem i have w/ her now is she's using my daughter to guilt me. i've said a few times we should go our seperate ways, and each time she says leaving my daughter will kill her. then my husband gets pissed at me coz i can't take the guilt


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Is there any way your brother will take her in? It's not like she'll never see her granddaughter--in fact, they are probably very close at this point so I would imagine that won't change. I think a big, noticable change that your husband would be more likely to respond to would be to reclaim your home so that your husband feels like the man of the house. If she has another place to go, she should understand that you need this right now.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

my brother would take her in, but she'd have to get rid of her dog, which was my dad's dog. i doubt any more changes on my part will do anything. i took care of all his problems w/ me and it didn't do any good. he has to want to come back and he just doesn't want to right now. i'm wondering if we just got together too young. we met at 19. we were each other's 1st love and i'm his 1st and only physical relationship.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

ok, so my mother did the stupidest thing and tells my daughter she's going to give the dog away. my mother didn't even discuss it w/ me about how to tell her. so, of course my daughter freaked out, what kid wouldn't. now my daughter wants to ask my husband if he can walk the dog everyday. she doesn't know he's leaving yet and we wanted to wait a little while. i called him to tell him what happened and he's pissed at my mom for saying anything. i think he's pissed at me for telling him while he's at work. but i have to deal w/ getting her ready for school while she's hysterical and then i have to put a full day of work in also before i can i can discuss anything to anyone.
what a mess


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Very complicated situation, I'm afraid no easy way out of it. You have shown family loyalty but based on what you have said it sounds like they took deep advantage. Now your daughter is being manipulated. I will put myself in the shoes of the other spouse. What would I want. I would want him to ask his mother to move out, in this case if your brother can take her in. I'd even offer to keep the dog for her and your daughter can care for the dog, that would help them stay connected. I'm afraid she has put you in the spot of choosing her over your husband and your husband seems to think you chose her. That's what I am getting from this. 

I see someone else recommended Mort Fertel's site to you, I'd recommend it to you even if your husband does not want to repair the relationship. I will tell you one person can make a difference in a relationship if you are committed enough. I did. 

I was concerned at first how he put this all at your feet, sounds like he is blaming you. Guilty people do that. Its your fault, you didn't love me enough, you changed, you put work/family first etc. This could be a sign that they have done something to feel guilty for, however reading on about your family situation and some financial situations not discussed with him lead me to believe he feels left out, excluded. I agree with the others, not wanting a divorce right away means yes he does have hope. 

So get your priorities in order as painlessly as possible, talk to your brother if you can offer to take the dog (sounds silly but all these changes will not be so good on your daughter so even something like keeping the dog will help). Commit to saving the relationship, go to Mort's site, I'd recommend the DVDs as well. While you do this, its very tempting to keep pressing him for how he feels, does he see changes etc. Just do it and let him see the changes. 

My husband and I were never physically separated (well 4 nights, does that count?) but we may as well have been for a period of 4 months, during that time he was having an affair (unknown to me) with another woman. When I found out, I didn't "call his bluff", I was very serious about divorcing him and like you I feel like why drag it out. Lucky for us both, he had a change of heart had in fact ended it before I found out just didn't know how/if to tell me. He said the change of heart was through the effort and changes I made all on my own. Where his feelings were dead they came back and he realized it was him and not me but it was nearly too late. 

Never play games, never say anything you don't mean. But there is a lot you can do to fix this relationship.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i don't know how to feel about this 1. tonight was his job's christmas party, staff only. ok, no big deal. but after the party, they all went to an expensive restaurant that serves expensive drinks. he ran out of his money, so he took some of my money out of my account (we have a joint account and right now i can't bring myself to take him off of it). he'll pay me back when he can withdraw from his new account (he doesn't have a debit card yet). part of me is like ?ok, he's true to his word about paying back and it's good if he needs money, he has access to it until he gets his debit card?. but then another part of me is like ?why does he think he can use my money to party? i only use my tip money to go drinking or buy something. my account money is strictly for my bills?. like i said, i don't know what to think about this 1


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

wonder said:


> i don't know how to feel about this 1. tonight was his job's christmas party, staff only. ok, no big deal. but after the party, they all went to an expensive restaurant that serves expensive drinks. he ran out of his money, so he took some of my money out of my account (we have a joint account and right now i can't bring myself to take him off of it). he'll pay me back when he can withdraw from his new account (he doesn't have a debit card yet). part of me is like ?ok, he's true to his word about paying back and it's good if he needs money, he has access to it until he gets his debit card?. but then another part of me is like ?why does he think he can use my money to party? i only use my tip money to go drinking or buy something. my account money is strictly for my bills?. like i said, i don't know what to think about this 1


First question is, was there any ground rules or discussions of money prior to this incident? And if he wasn't allowed to do it, why does he have a card to do it?

Then, if this is a problem, you need to take away the card and/or open up a new account. 

As for the rest of the story, extended family can wreak havoc on ANY relationship even when the don't live under the same roof. 

You mentioned your mother puts your Husband down, manipulates the daughter against him, etc. etc. etc. plus making financial decisions without his knowledge and/or against his wishes? I could see this as a HUGE problem for me as well... and if it went on long enough, I could see me leaving also. 

One other thing, is "the daughter" also "his daughter?" you keep using MY instead of OUR, so I thought I should ask.

You keep saying "I've changed..." But in the husband's eyes, the situation still hasn't completely changed... The mother was obviously part of him wanting to leave, but she is still there.... that HASN'T changed... and it might have to if you want him back.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

no ground rules. just an understanding that it is now my money. it's a good thing he had the debit card still coz that night he got stuck in a ditch (he keeps forgetting his car isn't built for heavy snow) and had to use it to pay for his car to get towed out. he's up to $150 to pay me back, but he only has $100 to his name until friday. so no real problem there, i just find it odd that he keeps saying he wants to save money to move out, but spends all of his.
my mother didn't start putting him down until he decided he wanted to leave. that's not an excuse for her to be a ***** and i've put her in her place a few times over it. plus she knows that a good amount of my problems are because of her. she just won't let go of me ever since my little brother died 13 yrs ago. i don't know how many times i tried to pull away, but she and my dad were always having some kind of financial problems and my older brother was never around to help them, so i got stuck doing it. family helps each other out. a concept my husband doesn't understand coz his family did nothing for anyone. his father and evil step-mother (yes she is evil) wouldn't even sign his financial aid papers to go to school, but the expected him to clean their gutters AFTER he moved out (2 younger brothers were living in the house). i tried showing him this is how a caring family works, but i guess it just didn't sink in.
my daughter is his also, i've just always had a habit of saying "my" he has the same habit and we never thought anything about it.
i don't really care about "in the husband's eyes" anymore. i told him when we 1st got serious how it was going to be married to me (which it's pretty much what i said it'd be) and he said it was ok. it was his idea in the 1st place for all of us to move in together. he knows my mother's financial situation and the fact she's in the middle of a lawsuit over my father's death (it is not a frivalous (sp?) suit. if the hospital had done a simple cat scan he may have gotten surgery in time and would have lived. my mother doesn't want a lot of money, just enough for her to stand on her own 2 feet again, which isn't a lot). but my husband expected me to, in a matter of a couple of months, have kicked her to the curb and have everything how he wants it. i'm sorry, but that is an unrealistic time frame and he was told by others that he needed to give me more time.
what i find so funny is he wants out so badly, but really doesn't do anything about it. like i said he doesn't have money saved, he hasn't looked into how to get a divorce (if i wanted out, that would be the 1st thing i'd look into) and he'll just go to a bar, alone, to drink (very sad in my opinion). but he expects me to just get over everything and move on w/ my life like nothing happened. isn't that suppose to be what he wants? to move on that easily?
like i said, i have been changing. i took back control of the house, i'm going to get promoted at work so i'll be making more money, and i did start going out a little bit to get my life back together and "move on". i did my part. he can't expect me to do anymore at this time


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

tell me if i'm wrong here, coz if i am i'll completely admit it. our daughter decides to give me attitude all morning. it started when i told her this summer i want her to go to day camp coz i'll be working more. she whines about how boring it'll be. so then i tell her a few times to get dressed. she whines about being cold and i keep telling her getting dressed will waem her up (she's wrapped in a wet towel at this point.). so she pouts and starts giving me more attitude about not giving her any time. then i start combing her hair. yes her hair is knotty, but i am a hair stylist and i know how to comb out knotty hair as gently as possible. now she's the type of kid that once she shows a little attitude, then there's attitude w/ everything she does. so i'm combing her hair and she's complaining about it hurting. i'm at my breaking point so i yell at her to stop the attitude. she starts crying and that's when my husband walks inand asks what's wrong. right away she says that i'm hurting her w/ brushing the hair. he starts in w/ me saying i should stop hurting her. i tell him i'm not hurting her, but i don't get to finish what i'm saying coz he jumps in and says i'm accusing her of being a liar. he's saying how would i know if i'm hurting her or not, her hair's on her head, not mine. so i tell him that i deal w/ combing out kids' hair all the time, i know how to do it w/out it hurting as much as what she's making it out to be. so he says i still shouldn't yell at her coz of her hair and i finally get the chance to say that i wasn't yelling at her about her hair, i was yelling at her about her attitude (which he yells at her about also). he just turns to her, tells her to stop giving mommy attitude, and walks away. now i think i deserve an apology coz he's pretty much saying i'm deliberately hurting my child and i don't know how to do my job that i've been doing for 10 yrs now.
now if i'm wrong, i'll admit it and back down. but i truely don't think i'm wrong here, but because he's "never wrong" he's not going to see it my way


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

IMO; your both wrong.

Parents whenever possible should present a united front. Your husband shouldn't have jumped to yelling at you. 

Your daughter was giving you attitude, but it started with a genuine concern. An issue of you not being home as much and sending her off to a day camp is not something you should have gotten so upset about right away. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with it, but you just kind of passed over that whole issue (in your story at least), which is what started the whole attitude problem to begin with. How old is this little girl? Yeah, she says she doesn't want to go because it's boring, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the only thing bothering her with it.

I don't want to sound like I'm accusing you of anything, because I'm sure there is more to the story. Yeah, your husband needs to apologize, but I think the daughter is getting the shortest end of the stick in this deal...


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

thank you
i agree she is getting the shortest end of the stick and i'm trying to be as fair to her as possible. but i've never been through seperation/divorce/dealing w/ children through this and he has. he's a child of divorce and knows how terrible it is for a child, so i would think he'd be a bit more understanding. he knows i'm at the end of my rope and most likely in need of some therapy, and i need help w/ making sure she's adjusting to everything as well as possible. it doesn't seem like he's giving me that help. 
any suggestions on what i can do for my daughter. i already feel like a terrible mother (he knows this as i've told him all my feelings about everything that's going on) and he made me feel even worse


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

If he won't talk about you guys, you have to FORCE him to talk about your kid(s). Don't go seeking an apology from him. Tell him that you need to be more united in your dealings with her. This is true now, and if you should become permanently separated. You both need to assure her and communicate to her as things go along. Kids have wild imaginations. If they don't have some type of information reassurance as things move on, they will start to figure it out for themselves, which can include blaming themselves for what is happening. 

There are always going to be some effects on children from a divorce, no matter how clean it goes. You and your husbands job is to minimize those effects and make it as easy as possible for them. You both need to realize it.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i think he's finally realizing what his actions have been doing to our daughter. last night he said i love you to her and she didn't say it back. she's never not said it back to him. so he came to me and asked if she's ever done that to me. i had to reassure him that sometimes she's just silly like that and she does love him. i know it hurt him when she didn't say it and i think he's feeling even worse now about what he's doing


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

wonder said:


> i don't really care about "in the husband's eyes" anymore. i told him when we 1st got serious how it was going to be married to me (which it's pretty much what i said it'd be) and he said it was ok. it was his idea in the 1st place for all of us to move in together. he knows my mother's financial situation and the fact she's in the middle of a lawsuit over my father's death (it is not a frivalous (sp?) suit. if the hospital had done a simple cat scan he may have gotten surgery in time and would have lived. my mother doesn't want a lot of money, just enough for her to stand on her own 2 feet again, which isn't a lot). but my husband expected me to, in a matter of a couple of months, have kicked her to the curb and have everything how he wants it. i'm sorry, but that is an unrealistic time frame and he was told by others that he needed to give me more time.
> what i find so funny is he wants out so badly, but really doesn't do anything about it. like i said he doesn't have money saved, he hasn't looked into how to get a divorce (if i wanted out, that would be the 1st thing i'd look into) and he'll just go to a bar, alone, to drink (very sad in my opinion). but he expects me to just get over everything and move on w/ my life like nothing happened. isn't that suppose to be what he wants? to move on that easily?
> like i said, i have been changing. i took back control of the house, i'm going to get promoted at work so i'll be making more money, and i did start going out a little bit to get my life back together and "move on". i did my part. he can't expect me to do anymore at this time


Re-reading this post, I've got a couple of questions:

-How did you tell him it was going to be like being with you?

-You said he had unrealistic expectations about the mother situation. You said other people told him it would take longer. Did YOU tell him it would take longer? What were your discussions about it?

-You talked about your mother's financial situation and how he doesn't want to help. Is that really his issue with it, or is it more that you did it without consulting him? The fact it was his idea for her to move in at least gives the impression that he wanted to help in the beginning.

-And about it being his idea... it might have been, but things can change. He might not have realized all of the issues this was going to cause.

-And about him leaving. Like you said, he's not really doing anything to leave... which makes me think he does NOT want to leave, but he might think he should leave. This could be why he's dragging his feet. He's trying to prolong it hoping that something will change.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

when we got serious, i told him about how i couldn't give him the large family he wanted coz of my heart problems, that i'll be in and out of the hospital throughout my life, how i need my family and the parents usually live w/ the daghters, how if we do have a kid i won't be able to bust my ass w/ work and keeping up w/ the house. i laid out every possible problem i could think of and he said ok. i didn't really discuss a time limit w/ him to get things done, i was stupid to think he was understanding about the situation. i don't know what his issues are anymore, he told me so many things (read my earlier posts) that i don't think he knows what his issues are. it all sounds like a midlife crisis to everyone who knows the situation. i don't know what he wants to do anymore. i told him flat out that i don't want this, i don't want a divorce, i want him to stay, i'll do whatever it takes, but he said there's nothing i could do. and there wasn't anything else to discuss ,so i've been giving him space . all his birthday party preparations are done. i can't think of anything else i can do


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

should i be upset about this. once again he went to my brother's house. normally no big deal, whatever, he doesn't want to spend any unnecessary time w/ me, i'm use to it. but now i work all weekend. i thought he would come back tomorrow to watch our daughter. apparently he has no intention of coming back. i asked if he remembered that i work all weekend and he said yeah. plus he has to go to his brother's house sunday to help him move (he also has to go all next weekend to help him situate the new place. so yet another weekend of him gone and me working so my mother has to watch her. he said after his birthday he'll watch her the next 2 weekends. i had just remembered the 2nd weekend is her birthday party so he won't be watching her. helping me, yes, but not actually watching her. he wonders why she didn't say she loves him, ii had to tell her to say it today. what the hell is his problem


----------

