# Update and Question....



## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Thought I'd post an update of what has happened since my last post in July...After an overwhelming amount of evidence had been collected on my part and a trillion times asking for the truth my H finally gave it to me. He began an EA with the married ex-co-worker which did turn into a PA that lasted almost a year. This continued 9 months after he left that job and that state mind you. He has recently regained his sences and what I think to be his concious,rediscovered he loves me and wants to do what it's going to take to rebuild our relationship. He has closed all doors for her to contact him and to my knowledge the OW is currently in counseling with her own H. I'm not sure how much progress they'll make being as though she obviously hasnt 'come-clean' to her H...I could care less. In all honesty I hope they do stay together and some woman comes along and does to her exactly what she did to me.

This is the single most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. I've always heard people talk about a frog in their throat or feeling such emotional pain that they can't cry. I now know what both of these are like. When we talk to eachother about it there are times I simply can't swallow hard enough to get words out. When he told me the depth of the affair and how long it was going on for I came straight home and vomitted. No crying, no yelling, nada just ALOT of vomitting.

I want to work through this with my H and at the very least recapture the friendship we had before our marriage. We have 3 children (15,12,10) so the best thing for them, in the big picture, is for us if we do not remain together is to be amicable.

My question to everyone now is this.....Of corse during one of their post-sex chit-chats the topic of fessing up to their spouses was discussed. Both swore they would deny it to the death...as if someone would say...oh no I'm going to run right out and call my spouse or go right home and just tell them everything...! Soooo what are your thoughts on whether or not I/we should make her aware that he did in fact tell me everything?? I of corse want her to know for many reasons but the main one right now is that he was honest with me and in doing that 'betrayed' his word to her. I know childish but I just want her to know soooo badly that he is with me because he now wants to be by choice....

Thanks for reading and for all opinions/advice coming my way


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi IfYouSaySo,

Can I honestly ask you...Do you think he will do this again? with someone else? I'm sorry but once a cheater always a cheater...

I can give you credit wanting to work on it... but NOT to get even with HER...but to have your family together...

Who cares how she feels or what she thinks...She's a homeworker and I'm sorry but your husband isnt any better for hurting YOU and your children...

Your husband is a user and an abuser...I'm sorry...

But a YEAR?????...NO Way,.. would I let him back in my door!!!

I wishing you lots of healing because this is one thing you can't push underneath a rug and move on...it will always so it's ugly head...

Get into counseling and tell him he must go or get out!!

Once again my take...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The question is, would communicating with her give her reason to communiate w/your husband again, even if it is only to tell him off? Because it only takes one contact to get things rolling again...

Plus of telling her - not so much about your husband fessing up to you, because I doubt she really believes he would never once the affair was over - but it would put her on notice that her secret is out. If she were to do anything, you could blow her cover.

OTOH, it could also cause her to fess up to her husband which may destroy them and put her on the open market. 

I'm thinking that letting this one go is the right thing to do.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Anyone else?? Kinda really need all different perspectives on this one =)


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

If,

It doesn't matter of the OW is married or free.

Now if you do tell the husband all the juice, have the evidence and open this pandora box at a distance. There has been many altercation as you know his first reaction is going to be denile.

Then meet in a public place if this is desired and give him the evidence. This is going to be required for the Mrs is going to state no way my sweetie.

I have no issue with this a part of the healing process, now if Mr has an issue there is really a big one.

Start packing thy bags.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Don't say anything to her or her husband. Let it go and work on putting your marriage back together. In my case, I never told the OM nor his W that I knew about their affair - although I wanted to crush him deeply; I was reeling with hatred. It takes too much energy away from what is really important - your kids and your marriage.

With that said; your H needs to be an open book. He needs to let you into his emails, phone address book, phone bills, etc. Until he earns your trust don't let him have it. Remember he is the cheater. If he balks on this one then, unfortunately, you need to be strong and tell him to leave. There is no reason for him to hide anything from you now unless he has other intentions with the OW or someone else.

You will always have the option to spill the beans to the OW or her H so you have a card to play if you need to but it's best to just let it go and concentrate on your situation.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Thanks guys =) My H has deleted his other 'contactable' emails, changed his cell number & blocked her from online profiles such as myspace/facebook to date. I have access to our cell phone bills & he now leaves his phone wherever instead of always on his person on silent. I know some may say that I'm a fool for wanting to rebuild my marriage. We've known eachother for 24 years, together for just under 20 so I feel as though the best thing I can do for myself as well as our children is to reconnect with him as a friend first. Yes I'm hurt, devestated actually however, no longer in the 'omg why-basketcase' phase of being lost. I love him with all of my heart, am not as nieve as to trust him completely ever again let alone at all right now & now know/feel I do need him in my life but not necessarily as my H. If he is great, that is what I'd prefer him to be but if he isn't I will be ok.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

IYSS, NO; you are not a fool; that would make us all fools on here and we are not. I'm sure you have a history, a family, a lot of good memories with him, your kids, and more than likely your extended family. Don't work on your marriage for the children only, though. Work on it primarily for you and your husband. If you are not both going to be happy; then the kids won't be happy. We are glad you came on here to vent. Please be re-assured that a loving marriage is worth the fight and it is anything but foolish to try and save it if there is still love there. That's life and there is no such thing as a perfect marriage - for anyone. We all make mistakes.

I am very glad to hear that your H is allowing you the freedom to check his phone, emails, etc. It's a great start for him. In time you will check on him less and less and eventually when you have regained his full trust, you won't need to feel like you have to check phone calls, etc. Make sure you always let him know that you are happy with the way he is opening up to you. Keep reinforcing that so he knows you care about him; it'll bring him closer to you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am gonna go ahead and say that if it were me I would avoid tracking down the OW or her husband to lay out all the facts. This might make you feel better, or you might see her and it will just reignite all the feelings of betrayal from your husband. But I am also a firm believer in that if you are cheated on be angry with the person who was supposed to be loyal to you, not the OW. Hate her if you need to, but don't worry about putting her in her place. It won't do any good.

I don't think you are foolish for wanting to work this out with your hubby. You two have a lot of history together and it would be a shame to just throw it all away if there is a chance that it can work out. Take it slow and see how conseling goes and if you feel that you can once again be in love with him. Best of luck to you!


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

YES you are a fool... we all are... facts and statistics and every thing else tells us we are.. and love does that to us 

but you know what, some times the most foolish thing you can possibly do is the best choice you ever make..


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