# He says he doesn't love me anymore and its over



## Perrinx (Jun 11, 2008)

My husband and I have been together for over 8 years and have been married for just over 3, and we have a 4 year old son together.

About twelve months ago I noticed that he was behaving differently to me, and he came out and said that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and he want to save the relationship but he wasn't sure how. I was shocked it was a total flip in our relationship as if anything he was always the one who was more focused on our relationship.

Since then we agreed to go to counciling and tryed 'Relate' at the first session we met the counciller and she was a real dragon, both of us hated her so we never went again. We did however open up to each other that night about how things were. However we haven't since. After that things went back to how they were.

Then on Saturday he anounced that it was over that he no longer loved me and he couldn't get it back. Obviously I was devastated a few weeks before we were talking about having more children.

Basically what he has said is that he is not unhappy with our life, we get on well, our sex life is normal, we have a nice home a lovely child BUT that as he has just turned 30 he has realised that is this what he wants for the rest of his life. Does he stay with this, or take the gamble of being really happy or unhappy.

He has decided to take the gamble. When he came round a few days after he had told me we had a really deep chat about what we wanted etc and realised that we don't have any fun together and our whole focus has been on the day to day. That he wants to be out, meeting people, socialising etc He says we are different people and at 30 the way we are is set and it is unlikely that we can change. I have tryed to convince him to give it six month, that we never really tryed to sort it our when it was first raised, so never really got down to the source of the problem, and that now we know it is worth trying to save it. 

I am so frightened of losing him, but as I wait for his response as he has gone away to think about it, I feel deep down that he isn't going to change his mind.

Is it possible to resolve this, or is it to late?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It's definitely possible to resolve this if he is willing to give it a try. I think it is more common than not to get into a rut of day to day living within a marriage. I hope for all of your sake, he decides to at least try. If he does, just make sure you both really listen to each other and make real, permanent changes.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

So sorry to hear this, I agree with Swedish that this is salvageable. From what you’ve told us there are no huge barriers/issues here. Substance abuse, infidelity, spousal abuse. As to his comment that at 30 you can’t change…. garbage. My wife told me a year ago she was no longer in love with me and we discussed things that needed to change. I made my commitments to her and have stuck with them for a year now. I’m 50. So people can and do change if they want to. It is never too late to reacquaint yourselves with each other. One of our problems was also that we didn’t seem to have anything in common anymore but we’ve greatly improved that also. Regenerated old interests and found some new ones. Don’t just wait for his response. Tell him what you want, where you want to be and how you plan to get there. Don’t let the poor experience with the “dragon lady” cool you to counseling. Find a new one that fits your needs. Best of luck.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Everything has a chance, but you might want to reflect on what you wrote. They he was always more into the relationship and that a year ago you only tried for a day to resolve the issue. These might be two important facts to him.

Remember that if you are to do what he wants it has to be a change for life not just six months until he desides to stay and back to the old ways. You too, have to decide if you can live like this.

Both of you really need to talk and communicate better and more often. I think if he thought about an average relationship that he has eight years invested inb and can only get better he might act differently.

draconis


----------



## Adrift (Jun 4, 2008)

Aside from the prior issue a year ago, I could be writing this. My husband is also turning 30 this year and has left to "think about" what he wants to do. Fortunately he is willing to go to counseling and says he loves me and wants it to work. Unfortunately he is not willing to discuss the relationship until we go to the counselor.

Anyway, I don't have advice for you, but you are not alone. Hopefully we can get thru these times and come out stronger.


----------



## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

In October 2006 my wife dropped the same bomb on me. Everything seem perfect. We just purchased our first home and hadn't been there two weeks yet. We were in the process of searching for a second child to adopt when it all came to a screeching halt. I begged her to work things out and she agreed but she never gave more then 50%. I persuaded her to see a marriage counselor but after the initial visit she refused to go back. I continued to see the counselor on my own and it really helped me work things out in my head. The ralationship got pretty bad. She wanted to separate so I moved to my parents. She couldn't explain why she didn't love me anymore. She just said the feeling went away the previous year. She felt adopting again and buying a home would change things but they didn't. I tried and tried to get an explanation and when she finally opened up she gave me a list of 5 issues that she was unhappy with. Some were very minor issues and 2 were very major issues. I promised to work on these 5 issues and when I did she still didn't want to work things out. It seems these issues were deceptions. It got to a point where I was ready to give up. I motivated myself to drive to the book store and browse the self help section. I was there for hours browsing the same shelves over and over looking for something to help me overcome the depression this was causing me. On my fourth pass over the books I came accross a small paperback book titled "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" by Andrew G. Marshall. I skimmed a couple of pages and in disbelief my exact experiences were written within this book. I imagine if you read it you'd feel the same. I bought the book and read the first few chapters that night. I was begining to realize what she was going through. It helped me to understand that she really doesn't know why she feels this way. It also helped me see some of the issues that could be causing this effect. I called her that evening and shared some of the details in the book and miraculously she responded in a positive manner and agreed. I read more and more and shared it all with her. She began to come back to me as we both started understanding the situation. I eventually bought her a copy and we were back together within a few weeks. The book was simply a tool. The real credit goes to my wife and I for being open to trying to save the marriage. There are many more details I can share about that 18 month struggle but I'd just bring you down. I strongly suggest you call a local book store and find the book. Sit and read a few pages and see if it relates to your situation. If it does, buy a copy and share some of what you read with your husband and see how he responds. Hopefully it will bring you the same results it brought me. My wife and I have been back together for almost a year now and a foster child was placed with us 2 months ago and our relationship is stronger then ever. Good luck!


----------



## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I am now going through a similar situation. Although my husband has been verbally abusive to me I can't help but still feel madly in love with him. He told me todayt that he gave up 6 months ago, around the time I quit school. I screwewd up and I know it, I went out with friends but would not drink and dri ve so I stayed out or called for a ride. I became depressed because I was not happy in a position that did not allow me to pursue my dream. ( I was waiting for this data center to start hiring). I was training for that particular position since 2005. Now I finally got an interview next week.

My family loves my husband, we are supposed to be together through better or worse, I've been going through some tough times with my father's health and although I've acted out by spending money etc. I still love the man. But he has had enough of me and has decided to pursue a divorce. I consulted a lawyer today and have made arrangements for my kids to be out of the house while I try to get over this shock. 

My children call him daddy and they are very hurt too. My oldest asked me if they had to go to foster care.


I am really really sad


----------



## InDeep (Jul 7, 2008)

He' battling momentum. We all do.

We make seemingly small, happy decisions, changing course just a little, teensy bit. But once you've been one degree off your charted course for a few years, you suddenly discover that your dreams are nowhere in sight.

My wife just did the same thing. Wanted to be a performer. Wanted to be "out there." Wanted to run away and join the circus. Was thrilled to meet me, to make plans with me, to move in with me then get married. Loved our first child and, years later, our second, her little girl.

Now she's forty and ouila! She's never danced on Broadway, never joined the circus, never lived the crazy, fringe lifestyle AND BOY DID SHE HIT THE BREAKS. Momentum? F-that! She started hanging out with side show performers 20 years her younger, taking circus classes, staying out all night and... other stuff.

Hurt our marriage incredibly. Maybe even irredeemibly. We're working on it, and it doesn't look good. Looks like we're incompatible because I don't share any of those wants, and some of them come into direct conflict with my sensibilities.

Point is, when people recognize momentum, in my experience, they don't do a slow course correction. They jam on the breaks, throwing you headfirst into the windshield. If you recognize what he's going through, maybe consider if what he wants is incompatible with you. If it isn't, maybe it's time to commit to an exciting course adjustment for both of you! Or maybe through talk and counseling you can talk about how to get what the two of you want in ways that aren't abrupt or destructive. Or maybe you can't.

As for "doesn't love me anymore." That brings up a few things for me:

1) There's FEELING love. I don't feel it when I'm pissed off, depressed, lonely, etc. Feel those ways for too long and you're only saying "I love you" to appease the other person, because of muscle memory, or to maintain a dispassionate relationship (or a relationship that is currently ho-hum at best). I say it when I feel love, appreciation, or admiration. That's not so frequent these days, given what's been going on.

2) There's SHOWING love. When my wife says "But I love you" I ask, "How? By turning me into a single parent and giving me attention only when you have to, circus girl?"

I don't know if my perspective helps, but I hope you find what you're looking for.

InDeep


----------

