# Trying to cope with husband's Impotency



## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

I'm new here, found this forum in a Google search and am hoping for some helpful advice, or at very least a sounding board to help me figure out what to do. I am feeling extremely frustrated.

I have been married to my husband for 8+ yrs, we have known each other for 16+ yrs. We were best friends long before we got married. He is my 3rd husband, I am his 1st wife. My 1st marriage was abusive, my 2nd marriage was like having an extra child. I was also in a LTR for 10 yrs that was emotionally and verbally abusive. Point is, I've been around the block a few times while hubby is new to marriage AND sex except with me.

We were both 36 when we got married. Hubby was a virgin until we got engaged. We had a wonderful sex life that was satisfying and complete for both of us. He was a natural and didn't mind experimenting within his personal limits. (he's turned off by the thought of anal, bondage, etc.) We were totally compatible sexually, and remain totally compatible in every other way. It is obvious to anyone who sees us together that we are still very much in love, still best friends, and spend as much time together as we possibly can, by choice. 

About 2 yrs ago hubby began having erection issues and experiencing lower sex drive. We openly discuss most anything/everything so we agreed a trip to the dr was in order, where he was diagnosed with low T. Unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover T replacement therapy of any kind and we are not financially able to cover the $90/month cost of the supplement his dr prescribed. We have both searched the internet for homeopathic solutions and every bit of info either of us could find about low T and ways to deal with it.

Our end result, 2 yrs later, is still his low T level but now also a total loss of intimacy in our relationship. We still hold hands all the time, but kissing has been reduced to a peck on the lips, hugs don't last as long and are less frequent, and even the cuddling has decreased gradually. We live more like extremely compatible roommates. I have been reduced to relying on toys when alone because even seeing them makes him uncomfortable. 

We have had a few discussions about the lack of intimacy. I have pointed out to him (gently) that there are other things we can still do so that my sexual needs are still met, but his response is always the same thing... he says he has no desire at all and he cannot do anything that feels "forced" because it feels unnatural to him. I can live with the lack of intercourse, and I have told him so, both gently and bluntly, repeatedly. My past with the abuse has somewhat numbed me sexually, so intercourse is not a "need" for me to feel fulfilled. Intimacy, however, is vital to my own self esteem and emotional/mental well being, and now I have none.

I am partially disabled and cannot drive, so I am home bound. My contact with people (in person) is extremely limited and infrequent except for hubby and since he works a lot of long hours I am left home alone with my pets and computer most of the time. I'm lonely and craving an intimate relationship with the man I love and I am at a loss for what to do anymore. Talking it out with him hasn't helped at all, he makes no effort to even try to use fingers, help when I use toys, etc. If he is in the room he will either leave or roll over and go to sleep. The passion, the kisses, the fondling, all things most people would consider "foreplay" are extinct in our relationship now. I don't even sleep in the nude anymore because if he rubs up against me in his sleep I get aroused and then he pushes me away. That kind of rejection became unbearable about a year ago, so I just started wearing clothing to bed, which helps prevent the sudden arousal. The extent of the affection I get from him now is when he rolls over and puts his arm around me when he is sleeping. 

I am entirely sympathetic to what he is going through. I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. We had talked about that too. What I am struggling with now is that I have accepted and done everything possible to not make him feel worse, but he is not returning the favor. If I attempt to touch him sexually in any way he giggles, reminds me it doesn't work, and then pulls away. I haven't given up but my frustration is growing to a point of my sitting here alone, in tears, more often than not. I have no desire to cheat on my husband, no desire to have a cyber affair... but toys by themselves do nothing more than the momentary orgasm and still leave me feeling empty and alone. I'm only 44 yrs old, in my sexual prime... and yet I feel like a 90 yr old woman with a roommate... and betrayed by the man I love. I know he loves me, not even a question about that, but his lack of trying to do anything at all to meet my needs while I do everything I can to meet his leaves me feeling betrayed. I don't like feeling this way. How can I find a happy medium for us if he refuses anything that has to do with intimacy and sex? I don't want it to be all about me, but he claims he is content as long as I'm not trying to initiate anything, so am feeling like it's all about him and I am being totally forgotten. 
Help?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You said you spoke with him about this and gave him a "gentle nudge".

It's time for a serious one and put everything on the line. You need to communicate to him how serious this is to you and your marriage and that you are willing to put your entire marriage on the line.

Personally I would, intimacy/affection is a big part of the reason why I'm married, without it......why bother?

I would remind him that he needs reinstatement ASAP, get into MC or you are going to be packing bags.

The easiest thing to do is for him to just really do it, cause end result of above will need to be that anyways.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My suggestion is you review the family budget to prioritize the $90 month for testosterone therapy. If it saves your marriage it's a lot less than a couple $300/hr divorce attorney's.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

He needs to come to grips with the obvious.

That marriage is about sex. That is the core of marriage. Only one of many things, sharing, mutual love, affection, kids, et.
But sex is the core that distinguishes marriage from all other relationships.

He is NOT being a good husband and denying you sex. Until he realizes this and gets his face slapped (so to speak, not literally)
then he cannot be a good husband.

Is there anyone besides you that can talk to him? Trusted friend, Minister, Guru?


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Low T or impotency has absolutely nothing to do with you not getting your intimacy needs met. Whether it be kissing for 10 minutes a day, or laying in bed nude together making out. His lack of T doesn't mean he can lack with making you feel like a woman, give you his attention, and make you feel wanted and needed. If he can't get an erection, that's unfortunate, but intimacy isn't always penetration and you can 69 or massage each other orally for pleasure (not orgasm). 

Sit down and have a talk with him and let him know that you understand he doesn't want forced sexual relations, but you need intimacy. If he considers taking care of your needs is something that he should want to do on his own otherwise it feels unnatural (yet he isn't doing it on his own), that explains why he was single for so long. He doesn't understand how a relationship works. Help him understand.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> He needs to come to grips with the obvious.
> 
> That marriage is about sex. That is the core of marriage. Only one of many things, sharing, mutual love, affection, kids, et.
> But sex is the core that distinguishes marriage from all other relationships.
> ...


Basically.

He was a best friend before you were married. The difference of marriage is sex and intimacy. Now, you are not getting that. He is basically just a best friend again. He doesn't understand marriage or he thought marriage was going to be just like his friendship.

He was wrong. You have needs.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My suggestion is you review the family budget to prioritize the $90 month for testosterone therapy. If it saves your marriage it's a lot less than a couple $300/hr divorce attorney's.


Sadeyes why is it costing $90 month!!!!! Get a new Dr! Mine prescribed test. Cyphonate which the 10ml vial is $75 w/o insurance at the pharmacy. The vial lasts 3 months. Give myself shots so it averages out to around $30 a month w/o insurance. Gels and patches did nothing for me. I was becoming a sexual zombie just numb to everything with low T.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sadeyes why is it costing $90 month!!!!! Get a new Dr! Mine prescribed test. Cyphonate which the 10ml vial is $75 w/o insurance at the pharmacy. The vial lasts 3 months. Give myself shots so it averages out to around $30 a month w/o insurance. Gels and patches did nothing for me. I was becoming a sexual zombie just numb to everything with low T.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:iagree:

Chances are, his inhibitions are greatly influenced by his inability to perform. We males have fragile ego's when it comes to this.

Try to find a way to get him on T therapy. Do some research. Ask friends, dr's. Try arginine which is natural supplements.
Do something like this, make it a priority.

I'm willing bet if his T comes around and he can perform better, he'll feel like a whole new man.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

$90 a month isn't that much! Get a part-time job if you have to.

My son's therapy is costing us hundreds out of pocket every month, but no way would I say, sorry kid, you're out of luck. Mom and Dad can't afford to help you.

Cancel cable, call your credit card company and ask for a lower APR, cancel your home phone, get low speed internet, clip coupons, stop eating out, bring your lunch to work. If you wanted to, I'm betting you can find $90 a month.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

ebp123 said:


> If you wanted to, I'm betting you can find $90 a month.



At least for a couple months to find out if the T booster helps the situation.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Skipped all the answers so far and wanted to jump right in. I just started T therapy and have been fighting ED for years. My entire vial of T cost $75. That vial will last me 20 weeks. Shop around, talk to the dock about self administered IM injection. (cheapest method) Tribulus terrestris Held me for a few years until Testosterone became cheaper than the dose of herbs I would have needed. 
Testosterone is more than sex, it's health. The combination of cyclic symptoms to low T include Overweight, Diabetes, and coronary health. Each one complicating the other. Your Dr. was great to get to this right off.
MN


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Unless I overlooked it in your post, I suggest you get a prescription for Cialis 20MG from your doctor and order the generics from a decent Canadian pharmacy. Cost is like $4 per pill. Hopefully, this fits your budget better.

Then start working on the T therapy.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

ebp123 said:


> $90 a month isn't that much! Get a part-time job if you have to.
> 
> My son's therapy is costing us hundreds out of pocket every month, but no way would I say, sorry kid, you're out of luck. Mom and Dad can't afford to help you.
> 
> Cancel cable, call your credit card company and ask for a lower APR, cancel your home phone, get low speed internet, clip coupons, stop eating out, bring your lunch to work. If you wanted to, I'm betting you can find $90 a month.


I'll start my replies with this one... when I said $90/month was out of reach I truly meant it. I cannot work outside the home and thus far my attempts at a work from home job have failed miserably. I can't find a legit work from home job that I'm capable of yet... have been searching for the past 3 yrs.
There are no credit cards, my internet is already low speed, we do clip coupons (together), we haven't eaten out in over 5 yrs, and if I cancel the cable that means NO tv at all... which would drive me stir crazy being home alone all the time with nothing to do except clean the house (there's only so much cleaning a person can do in a given day or week). Canceling the home phone is not an option either. Being disabled I cannot be here for 12 - 14 hrs/day alone with no way to call for help in an emergency. We have the house phone because it's cheaper than a cell phone. Neither of us owns a cell phone. 

Seriously I live like a recluse because that's all we can afford. I have cut the grocery spending as low as I can and still allowing for 2 meals/day. We don't "go out" anywhere, ever, except for the necessary errands to function, such as grocery shopping. That is my 1 trip out of the house each week, the rest of the time I am here and mostly alone from 6:30am until 7 - 8pm when hubby gets home. We eat dinner late (around his schedule) and by 10 - 11pm he is in bed for the night so he can function at work again the next day. On the weekends when he stays up late he's still falling asleep by midnight. Our "together time" consists of playing board games, sitting outside burning the burnable trash and watching the stars, yard work/gardening, and tv time in the evening after dinner, etc. There are NO extras to be had around here, at least not until my medical bills are paid off, which will take at least the next 2 yrs under the current payment plan, which has our budget stretched to it's very limit. 

So no... needed or not... $90/month does NOT work into our budget. If there was a way to afford it we would have done so already and this problem would hopefully have been resolved already. I don't like it, but there is only so much a person can do. He's already working whatever overtime he can get at work to cover the payments on the medical bills.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> You said you spoke with him about this and gave him a "gentle nudge".
> 
> It's time for a serious one and put everything on the line. You need to communicate to him how serious this is to you and your marriage and that you are willing to put your entire marriage on the line.
> 
> ...


I sat him down again last night and had a serious talk about this (again). I pretty much told him exactly what I wrote in my OP here. He looked absolutely devastated while we talked. The only visible relief I saw in his face during that 1+ hr conversation was when I told him that many people are going through this same situation. He was surprised by that, didn't realize how common his problem really is. (he's not an internet junkie, so he hasn't been exposed to all of the stuff I am online)

I can't say we resolved much with that conversation either. He admitted that he felt a slight boost in his libido after eating scallops one night a couple of months ago, said it lasted for a few days, so he wants to try that again to see if it will help. I am in a holding pattern now until we can afford for him to get more scallops <sigh> which won't be for at least a few wks. I don't know what else to say to him, it has all been said/covered already. He says he doesn't want me to feel this way but is helpless to do anything about it. I'm at a total loss.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

You have to make him understand that he is being utterly selfish and unreasonable.

A threat of divorce (that you are prepared to carry through) may be what it takes.

A lack of intimacy will ultimately eat into the whole relationship and then lack of sex will be the least of your worries.

I feel for you.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My suggestion is you review the family budget to prioritize the $90 month for testosterone therapy. If it saves your marriage it's a lot less than a couple $300/hr divorce attorney's.


There will be no divorce to worry about... sex or no sex, intimacy or no intimacy, divorce is not an option. I have been through 2 divorces and will NOT go through another. What would be the point in getting divorced anyway? If I did that I'd be more broke than I am now and totally alone... still no sex or intimacy and then nothing else either. I have no interest in a new relationship... especially not just for sex. Divorce would be totally pointless. Everything else about our relationship is as perfect as it gets. We have known each other for 16 yrs and have never even had an argument. I would rather be married to my best friend for the companionship than to be single or in a relationship based on sex. Been there/done that. Isn't that what marriage is supposed to mean?


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Coldie said:


> Low T or impotency has absolutely nothing to do with you not getting your intimacy needs met. Whether it be kissing for 10 minutes a day, or laying in bed nude together making out. His lack of T doesn't mean he can lack with making you feel like a woman, give you his attention, and make you feel wanted and needed. If he can't get an erection, that's unfortunate, but intimacy isn't always penetration and you can 69 or massage each other orally for pleasure (not orgasm).
> 
> Sit down and have a talk with him and let him know that you understand he doesn't want forced sexual relations, but you need intimacy. If he considers taking care of your needs is something that he should want to do on his own otherwise it feels unnatural (yet he isn't doing it on his own), that explains why he was single for so long. He doesn't understand how a relationship works. Help him understand.


This is pretty much what we covered in our talk the other night. He isn't "getting it". He is sexually naive, and basically, relationship naive too. He was single for so long because he comes from a deeply religious family, no sex until marriage. He didn't date because he had no interest in anyone he knew, and when he and I first met I was in an abusive relationship... so he basically waited until I was single and had my life together before we had our first date. 
I have tried repeatedly to explain to him that there is a difference between intimacy and sex. I can live without the sex if I must, I can deal with that... but I cannot live happily without intimacy. He isn't understanding the difference between the 2 in spite of my efforts to explain it. There is nobody else to talk to him about this, so I am on my own when it comes to this topic. I have asked a trusted friend to explain it to him but he said he felt awkward talking to another guy about that topic, so that went out the window as fast as I tried. He needs to hear it from a man's perspective, which is something I just can't offer. :-( 
I have not given up but I am currently at a loss as to where to go from here. All I can do is keep trying.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sadeyes why is it costing $90 month!!!!! Get a new Dr! Mine prescribed test. Cyphonate which the 10ml vial is $75 w/o insurance at the pharmacy. The vial lasts 3 months. Give myself shots so it averages out to around $30 a month w/o insurance. Gels and patches did nothing for me. I was becoming a sexual zombie just numb to everything with low T.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will surely mention this to him, thank you.  I'm not so sure he is willing to give himself injections regularly, but I will for sure talk to him about it and put it out there as an option. $30/month I think I could find a way to manage. 

Your description of being a "sexual zombie" and numb to everything pretty much describes him. His energy levels overall are down to almost nothing, he's always tired and aching. He has lost a lot of physical strength over the past 6 months, and seems to have lost interest in almost everything. It makes my heart ache to see him like this. He used to be so full of life, so active.. and now all he wants to do is lay on the futon and watch tv when he's home.  Things that used to interest him don't anymore, and his complaint is that he's just too tired to do or think about doing anything. I have tried everything to motivate him but he is physically exhausted, no mistaking that. I am truly concerned for his overall health and our dr is a quack. I have found him a new dr to go see but we must wait until we can afford it before he can make an appointment. We live in a very small town (population 2400) and our options for dr's who accept our insurance is very limited. It's the price of being "working poor" in today's world.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Chances are, his inhibitions are greatly influenced by his inability to perform. We males have fragile ego's when it comes to this.
> 
> ...


Where do I find arginine? Is that a pill form? Expensive? You have my attention. 
And yes, I agree with you... if we can find a way to bring up his T I have no doubt he would be much happier and healthier overall, which would pretty much fix this problem.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Skipped all the answers so far and wanted to jump right in. I just started T therapy and have been fighting ED for years. My entire vial of T cost $75. That vial will last me 20 weeks. Shop around, talk to the dock about self administered IM injection. (cheapest method) Tribulus terrestris Held me for a few years until Testosterone became cheaper than the dose of herbs I would have needed.
> Testosterone is more than sex, it's health. The combination of cyclic symptoms to low T include Overweight, Diabetes, and coronary health. Each one complicating the other. Your Dr. was great to get to this right off.
> MN


 I will be talking to hubby tonight about the possibility of giving himself injections... or his letting me give them to him if that's needed. I could handle that if I had to. I'm just not so sure he's willing to go through injections.
I have done a lot of research about low T and I am aware (and made him aware) of all the other health risks involved aside from low sex drive. He is already slightly overweight though his dr says he is not diabetic and his heart is healthy. I don't really trust the current doc, he's a quack, but he's the only one we've had access to in our area for a very long time. It took a number of visits and some persistence on mine and hubby's part before he prescribed the T supplement to begin with, and then he only gave hubby the 1 option for it. We spent a few months with the run around with insurance, pharmacy, and trying to juggle finances to afford the one he was prescribed. In the end, being poor won out and thus far it hasn't been within the limits of our budget. To find another $90/month would take me down to 1 meal/day to be able to afford it. The insurance company gave us a horrible hassle about it, saying they refuse to cover any T replacement therapy, so whatever it turns out to be will have to be out of pocket for us. (I HATE insurance companies!)
I have found another doc for hubby to go see, am just waiting for our budget to allow him to make an appointment.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

sadeyes said:


> Isn't that what marriage is supposed to mean?


I think that is the question this entire website is trying to answer. So far there are as many answers as there are people here. 

I believe weight training, particularly lifting heavy weights, will stimulate testosterone production. You could research that on the web.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What are your ages now? Also, if your H is grossly overweight or has a sedentary lifestyle then that can affect his T levels as well. I know money is tight, but there are a number of body weight exercises that your husband can do to work on his major muscle groups. Working to build muscle helps increase testosterone. Also, having more sex can build T levels as well.

If he has a crappy diet and isn't getting exercise, then perhaps this is affecting his T levels.

I hate to bring this up, but you may need to consider that your disability may be affecting his libido too. If he's working long hours, and he sees you not being able to contribute to the finances to make things better, then he may be building up resentment against you. He may be feeling like he's pulling the majority of the weight in the marriage. I apologize if this comes across as insensitive, but I think it's something you may need to factor into the situation. At least if you know it up front and he can admit it to you - if this is part of the issue (I don't know if it is or not) - then you can try to deal with it head on.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

I need to put this out there for everyone before any new replies come in. 
Last spring I needed surgery, it couldn't be avoided. We were just finishing a bankruptcy at the time so it didn't cover the new medical bills, which have been extensive. Last month I also received a call from the hospital informing me that they implemented a new policy, putting a strict time limit on all hospital bill payments. Instead of the $40/month we had been paying, without missing one, we are now required to pay $125/month. No exceptions unless we want to get sued and risk losing our house in the process, along with their refusal to treat me until it's paid in full. We are also still paying off the expensive colonoscopy that hubby needed before my surgery, along with my regular medical expenses from dr's visits to keep my thyroid under control. 
When I have said we are broke, I truly mean we are BROKE. We are barely getting by as it is. We just refinanced our house trying to save some money each month to cover hubby's current medical needs with the problem of low T, but we weren't able to save enough to accommodate that too. It was barely enough savings to cover the new raised payments on my hospital bill. 
At the same time all of this happened, my youngest child turned 18 and moved out, so child support came to a screeching halt... so we lost $400/month in "income" that we used to have. 

I appreciate all of the comments that have been posted/offered, but please, I ask you to respect the fact that we truly cannot afford to add any further expenses to our budget at this time. We do not enjoy any luxuries except the cable tv. Without cable we get zero tv reception where we live. I have trimmed our finances to the last penny, cut myself back to 2 meals/day just so that we can survive. We don't "go out" anywhere... to eat, to movies, nothing. We even have a limited gas budget that allows only for what hubby needs to go to work and back all week and a trip to the grocery store weekly. I don't allow us anything else because it's not in the budget. 
It's a crappy way to live, I assure you... but we know it won't last forever, so we do all we can to endure it. It requires many sacrifices that we are both committed to, just as we are committed to staying married in spite of any issues that may arise over the years. 
I have a wonderful husband, even if it may not sound that way to some, based on the sex/intimacy issues we are facing. This is a man who still, after 8+ yrs of marriage, sends me love notes via email during his lunch hours at work on almost a daily basis. If I'm sick he's sending me get well ecards during the day. He calls home every night when he's ready to leave work to make sure I don't need something from the store that he can stop and pick up on the way (saves gas money that way) and to check on me and make sure I'm ok. He brings home freebie stuff from work for me all the time just to see me smile, knowing it's stuff I will like/enjoy. 

His biggest fault is that he is naive to relationships, sex, marriage, etc. He truly doesn't understand the things most average guys take for granted. He has never been one of those guys who has sex on the brain 24/7, never rude, disrespectful, hurtful, etc. Before me he had only kissed 1 other woman, was a virgin in every sense of the word. If I could mold the perfect man based on my personal preferences, he fits that mold perfectly and even exceeds it. I love him with all my heart. He has a physical problem right now, I get that, maybe more so than even he does. 

What I am struggling with right now is not just about getting him a T supplement to help him (us), but also a way to help him understand about intimacy and what it means, how it differs from sex, and why it's so important... something I need in my life. He is not hurting me deliberately and each time we discuss this topic I can see for myself just how much pain it causes him to know I am suffering. He is truly at a loss, in his own mind. 

I don't know how else to explain things to him to achieve that light bulb moment he needs. I have recapped our history together, reminded him of how we used to sneak around when we were dating, not wanting our coworkers or families to know... drives to a park n ride just to make out at night without prying eyes. We lived with his parents for a few yrs so we could save enough money to buy a house after we got married, so I have reminded him about the "play time" we used to sneak away for in the privacy of the basement family room, the stop and hush because we heard footsteps, the giggling and secret looks across the room when the rest of the family was around, the whispering to each other about meeting in a room alone when nobody would miss us for 10 minutes just so we could make out. I have been thorough and thought he was starting to get it... but just as fast as the light seemed to have gone on, it went out again. 
How else can I explain this to him?

I can truly live without intercourse if it comes to that. Intercourse, to me, is just a "perk" of being married. I don't NEED it. I do need the affection, the attention, to feel female. I went so far as to tell him that I have started to refer to myself as "asexual" because I just don't even feel female anymore... I feel totally genderless, sexless... and it hurts in ways that words just can't describe. 

I lay in bed at night and watch him sleep. When he rolls over and puts an arm around me I try to hold perfectly still, not wanting to disturb him so he rolls the other direction again. I am very lonely and craving affection more than I have ever before in my life. I am ok during the days when he is at work, but when he comes home.. the moment he walks through the door, I get that hormone rush and the cravings set in just that fast. I am still very much attracted to him... I don't think there is a worse feeling in the world than to be so attracted to someone you live with and are married to, knowing that he isn't going to touch you no matter what you do. The sexy lingerie hangs in the closet untouched because the last time I wore something like that he didn't even glance in my direction... so I just hung it up, not feeling attractive in it, thus not wanting to put it back on. I have stopped wearing makeup, stopped doing anything special with my hair, just put away any feminism at all, because the rejection is just too much to bear. And through it all I keep telling myself that some day he will "get it" and things will get back to normal, so I can't give up. There has to be a way to explain things to him so that he can understand, I just don't know what that is yet and need help to find it.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What are your ages now? Also, if your H is grossly overweight or has a sedentary lifestyle then that can affect his T levels as well. I know money is tight, but there are a number of body weight exercises that your husband can do to work on his major muscle groups. Working to build muscle helps increase testosterone. Also, having more sex can build T levels as well.
> 
> If he has a crappy diet and isn't getting exercise, then perhaps this is affecting his T levels.
> 
> I hate to bring this up, but you may need to consider that your disability may be affecting his libido too. If he's working long hours, and he sees you not being able to contribute to the finances to make things better, then he may be building up resentment against you. He may be feeling like he's pulling the majority of the weight in the marriage. I apologize if this comes across as insensitive, but I think it's something you may need to factor into the situation. At least if you know it up front and he can admit it to you - if this is part of the issue (I don't know if it is or not) - then you can try to deal with it head on.


We are both 44 now, will be turning 45 in Dec. & Jan. We are 3 wks apart in age.
He is not "grossly" overweight... maybe 40 - 50lbs tops? (as am I) He did attempt to increase his exercise for a while, but we discovered he has a "lump" in one hip that has not yet been diagnosed. It's about golf ball sized and hasn't changed in shape or size in over a year. When he exercises, even walking, his hip & back give out, so that contributes to his lack of exercise. This, too, has been put on a back burner until we can afford the medical bills it's going to take to get it diagnosed and hopefully fixed. Physically neither of us is in the best of shape right now, but there isn't a whole lot we can do about it. His diet is pretty good, better than most. I do most of the cooking and have a friend who works with a dietician, so I get regular advice about dietary needs and ways to keep our diet as good as we can afford it to be. We are not big junk food eaters, by choice. 1 bag of chips lasts from 1 - 2 months in our house, if that tells you anything? Candy? Not at all except for 1 - 2 dark chocolate bars/month for hubby, dr's orders. We bake together maybe twice/yr and make cookies or an apple pie, but that's pretty much the extent of junk food around here. Hubby likes his veggies (me not so much, lol). 

As for my disability... I have a bad leg. I tore the ACL ligament in my knee over 30 yrs ago and it wasn't found until I was in my 20's, by which time I couldn't get it fixed because it was a "pre existing condition". It has atrophied in both directions over the years, leaving a large gap under my kneecap. I cannot kneel, drive, ride a bike, walk long distances, handle much for stairs, etc. I also have scoliosis which causes me a fair amount of chronic back pain. I have a high pain tolerance, but the knee makes the back worse at times. My activities are "limited" but I am still walking... something my dr's have said is a miracle. I was supposed to be in a wheelchair 20 yrs ago. 
Hubby & I have discussed my disability many times. I can honestly say there is no resentment there at all. He was aware of and just fine with my limitations long before we even dated, aware that over the yrs it will worsen if I can't find a way to afford the $20k+ for the needed surgery. I have actually been more active than he has over the past 6 months in spite of my physical issues, including my bad thyroid problem (hypo). 
If it means anything at all, we have actually had fun over the yrs experimenting with new sexual positions to accommodate my leg & back issues. On bad days it can be challenging so we just made it work for us by using it as a perfect excuse to continue experimenting. 

As for my not being able to work... I worked when we first got married. We actually met at work originally (he was one of my bosses). After the wedding he took a better paying job and told me to quit mine because at the time we no longer needed the extra income and the job was making me physically sick due to stress and was pushing the limits of my leg. I offered to keep working and would have at the time if he hadn't insisted I stop. He comes home from work at night even now and looks for some kind of chore to do around the house... will step in and take over doing dishes when I do them sometimes too. When I tell him there is no need he smiles and tells me that he feels it's his job to take care of me, help me whenever/however he can, and he enjoys it. Who am I to tell him he can't if he really wants to? Considering how he was raised, this doesn't surprise me and his mother even tells me that's just how he is and has always been. Before we got married he lived at home and took care of his parents. That's just the kind of person he is.
I have always been extremely independent. There were times before my leg got this bad that he would stop me and tell me to LET him do things for me because he felt like I didn't need him enough. As I have said, aside from the intimacy/sexual issues, he and I are perfectly compatible and suited for each other in every way... to a point that his mother continues to tease us about being long lost twins because we are so in sync with each other.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Does your husband drink alcohol at all? Alcohol is like a testosterone destroyer, a guy in his 20's won't really be impacted because they're producing so much T. but a guy in his late 30's and 40's can see their T levels dip to seriously low levels by even a moderate amount of alcohol consumption. While your body processes the alcohol it basically stops many vital body functions, T production is one of them. 50 lbs overweight is obese so that is a lot, and can cause T levels to drop very low too.

I never had an issue "getting it up" with my wife (I'm 36), but I noticed that when cuddling in the AM I no longer had that strong morning wood. I stopped drinking Monday through Friday (I was a daily drinker 3-4 beers or glasses of win a night), and within two weeks of seriously reducing my alcohol consumption I was literally waking up in the middle of the night with massive rock hard erections and the morning wood was back like I was 19 years old again.

Just something to consider, if you have erectile issues, stopping any alcohol consumption and snacking on almonds is a good place to start.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> I will be talking to hubby tonight about the possibility of giving himself injections... or his letting me give them to him if that's needed. I could handle that if I had to. I'm just not so sure he's willing to go through injections.
> I have done a lot of research about low T and I am aware (and made him aware) of all the other health risks involved aside from low sex drive. He is already slightly overweight though his dr says he is not diabetic and his heart is healthy. I don't really trust the current doc, he's a quack, but he's the only one we've had access to in our area for a very long time. It took a number of visits and some persistence on mine and hubby's part before he prescribed the T supplement to begin with, and then he only gave hubby the 1 option for it. We spent a few months with the run around with insurance, pharmacy, and trying to juggle finances to afford the one he was prescribed. In the end, being poor won out and thus far it hasn't been within the limits of our budget. To find another $90/month would take me down to 1 meal/day to be able to afford it. The insurance company gave us a horrible hassle about it, saying they refuse to cover any T replacement therapy, so whatever it turns out to be will have to be out of pocket for us. (I HATE insurance companies!)
> I have found another doc for hubby to go see, am just waiting for our budget to allow him to make an appointment.


Couple items here.

1 - I am sorry for the issues you are going through

2 - Low T is a funny thing. People that don't have Low T or never experienced Low T have no clue what it does to the make up of a man. 1st, health wise, it hurts a man. 2nd, intimacy wise, it hurts you and you partner because a Low T man doesn't have the capacity to be intimate or fulfill your needs for intimacy.

People do not understand that a man with Low T can not (no way no how) offer intimacy because that part is gone. Low T turns a man from a fun loving caring husband into an unhappy, uncaring, unable to provide the most basic level of intimacy person.

People will tell you, if he's good husband, he will step up and do X or Y or Z. What they don't realize, until his T levels have been corrected, he is unable on any level to do X or Y or Z. Yes he should be doing everything he can. Yes he should be doing X or Y or Z. Unfortunately, he simply can't.
I don't want this to turn into a TJ where everyone discusses what a person with Low T should or could be doing. Let's leave this at for the current time being, he is unable to do the normal necessary things for intimacy.

3 - your husband needs to see a urologist. Not a general practitioner. GP's know squat about correcting an issue with Low T. A urologist understands the need for his T levels to be correct. 

4 - Just because you are poor doesn't mean you don't have the right to well being. Work with your urologist - let him know how poor you are. Let him know that your insurance won't cover the TRT the GP prescribed. He should be able to deal with insurance so that the claim will be coded to be a heath risk if he is not on some form of TRT and get the cost brought down. 

5 - As to your hospital claiming they will sue - tell your hospital to suck it and suck it double. They won't sue. They can't get your house. They can't put a lean on anything you own (that is unless you signed some crazy paper backing your medical payments with your home) . They'll turn over to collections. And they will still treat you - again tell them to suck it there. They can't deny you. They can make it ridiculously difficult, there will be certain procedures that they don't have to perform, but they can't deny you because you are poor. You need to work with someone to help get on payment plan. Here's the great thing about you not working, you have all the time in the world to cal and call and call and call them until someone helps you - just to get you to stop calling. Always be polite. Always be kind. But call, call, call, call. If you thing you have called enough, call some more.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Unless I overlooked it in your post, I suggest you get a prescription for Cialis 20MG from your doctor and order the generics from a decent Canadian pharmacy. Cost is like $4 per pill. Hopefully, this fits your budget better.
> 
> Then start working on the T therapy.
> 
> ...


Do you having any sources you can share for reliable canadian pharmacies? I few months ago I researched and they appeared to be closed or unreliable (scam?) sources.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sadeyes said:


> Where do I find arginine? Is that a pill form? Expensive? You have my attention.
> And yes, I agree with you... if we can find a way to bring up his T I have no doubt he would be much happier and healthier overall, which would pretty much fix this problem.


Arginine is a tried and true supplement that can be bought at any health store like GNC or similar. It is non-prescription and and not endorsed by FDA, but used by many men to boost T levels. 

It is no guarantee to work for your husband because every mans chemistry if different. I have not personally tried it, but there are many testimonies from people who have. There are other drugs similar too. Do some online research.

No reason to accept your current status. There are too many options to try before you give up.

1. If you are religious, can you meet with your pastor and have a
counseling session together?

2. prescription (cialis) and/or T boost from dr. or online.

3. Arginine or other non rx supplements.

It's certainly worth a try.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ok sadeyes.

I'm glad you posted about your financial situation and your limited insurance. I understand these are really tough times. You might not know it in some circles everyone seems to be doing fine, but many, many people are struggling out there. employment is at an all time low. millions have dropped out of the workforce not to retire but because they gave up looking for work, moved in with relatives, homeless. you get the point.

So, I looked up arginine online. $16.29 bottle with 120 pills.
Can you afford this? If you spend 16.25 and it doesn't work, at least you tried.

Sincerely. Good luck to you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Are there cheap pools in your area? Swimming might help take the weight off of your knee and back but still allow you to exercise. Even better, your husband can go with you to go swimming. 

Where I live, some gyms provide membership assistance on a sliding scale based on your income, expenses and what you can afford. You might have something similar where you live. That way you and hubby aren't restricted to exercises you can't do (walking and biking aren't options for you) if you can swim and use upper-body weight lifting equipment, it will still help your overall fitness levels, strength and help you lose weight - something that should in turn help with your knee and back pains (less load on the joints). As well as increasing hubby's testosterone naturally.

Horny Goat Weed is one natural supplement that may improve your husband's impotency problems, another is Chinese Ginseng. Both of these supplements have been used for centuries by men to help with sexual dysfunction. Until you can afford T-therapy, this might help and is cheaper than T-therapy so may be worth a try. Increasing hubby's libido, even if he doesn't get an erection might still help him crave more physical closeness to you.

Two years ago, while not disabled, I was separated, had no car, and was home-bound caring for a newborn. Money was _very _tight. One thing I did to bring in some extra money is sell things online and through local classifieds like craigslist. Finding things around the home to sell locally is the obvious first choice. However, something else I did was go to thrift stores and buy nice things very cheaply and then sell them for more money than I paid on craigslist (and a similar Canadian site but also Craigslist) and also eBay to make a profit. This is something you can do despite your disability to bring in money every month. You would be surprised how much you can make if you get good at it. You already have a home phone and computer so there's your "home office" right there.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> Do you having any sources you can share for reliable canadian pharmacies? I few months ago I researched and they appeared to be closed or unreliable (scam?) sources.


I have used Granville Pharmacy several times with good results.

Online Canadian Pharmacy :: Canada Pharmacy, Drugs From Canada, Canadian Online Pharmacy, Drugs Canada!!!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Stretch said:


> I have used Granville Pharmacy several times with good results.
> 
> Online Canadian Pharmacy :: Canada Pharmacy, Drugs From Canada, Canadian Online Pharmacy, Drugs Canada!!!


good. thanks


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I recall researching Arginine a while back and the majority of supplements are far too small a dose to make any difference. (My recollection is they were in the 100's of units when you would need something in the 1,000's to have an impact). To get an amount that will help unfortunately it means buying the more expensive product. 

Supplements are an difficult way to go as the industry is unregulated. You really have to do your homework to make sure you're not wasting your money.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

cuchulain36 said:


> Does your husband drink alcohol at all? Alcohol is like a testosterone destroyer, a guy in his 20's won't really be impacted because they're producing so much T. but a guy in his late 30's and 40's can see their T levels dip to seriously low levels by even a moderate amount of alcohol consumption. While your body processes the alcohol it basically stops many vital body functions, T production is one of them. 50 lbs overweight is obese so that is a lot, and can cause T levels to drop very low too.
> 
> I never had an issue "getting it up" with my wife (I'm 36), but I noticed that when cuddling in the AM I no longer had that strong morning wood. I stopped drinking Monday through Friday (I was a daily drinker 3-4 beers or glasses of win a night), and within two weeks of seriously reducing my alcohol consumption I was literally waking up in the middle of the night with massive rock hard erections and the morning wood was back like I was 19 years old again.
> 
> Just something to consider, if you have erectile issues, stopping any alcohol consumption and snacking on almonds is a good place to start.


My husband doesn't drink a drop of alcohol, has never in his life even had a beer or a glass of wine... nothing. I have not had a drop of alcohol in over 16 yrs. He also can't eat almonds and other nuts... diverticulitis issues anytime he eats a single nut, so dr told him no more, ever. He used to love pistachios, but hasn't even had one of those in at least 4 yrs.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> Are there cheap pools in your area? Swimming might help take the weight off of your knee and back but still allow you to exercise. Even better, your husband can go with you to go swimming.
> 
> Where I live, some gyms provide membership assistance on a sliding scale based on your income, expenses and what you can afford. You might have something similar where you live. That way you and hubby aren't restricted to exercises you can't do (walking and biking aren't options for you) if you can swim and use upper-body weight lifting equipment, it will still help your overall fitness levels, strength and help you lose weight - something that should in turn help with your knee and back pains (less load on the joints). As well as increasing hubby's testosterone naturally.
> 
> ...


I pray for the ability to be able to swim again. I couldn't be more of a fish unless I grew gills, lol. I have always lived in the water... up til about the past 6 yrs, having lost my ability to drive and get myself to any of the local lakes to do so. The only swimming pool we have in the area is a local YMCA, about 15 min from home, however, their membership fees are just way too high (over $900/yr for 2 people/family membership). My dr told me yrs ago to get a membership for myself, but even just for me it's over $600/yr and we just have not been able to afford it... especially since I would only have access to it 1 night/wk with hubby's schedule and ability to get me there. We have been trying to save some money to get a swimming pool, but as I've explained, the current financial situation has made it impossible to save anything thus far. I have already priced swimming pools locally and for the cost of a 1 yr membership at the Y I could own my own pool, lol. That is on our list of things to save for, just going to take a few yrs before it can happen.

I will look into the supplements you mentioned. Even if it helps a little bit it would be better than nothing at all.

As for online sales... I frankly don't have anything left in my home to sell. (been there/done that) I do, however, do a lot of Native American bead work (I am a tribal member) that I sell online, but sales have gone down to nothing lately. It's very sporadic. It took me almost 2 yrs to get started, asking for needed supplies to start as gifts for holidays and birthdays from my in laws, who can be quite generous. Once I had enough to start I made sure that every penny of profit went back into supplies to keep me going, so I have the ability to do that and enjoy doing it, but the market is rough. People are broke. I have a lot of potential customers wanting bead work, from jewelry to belts and various other items, but they all say they are broke and trying to save enough to afford it. The supplies are not cheap, so the cost for the finished items is also not cheap. I average about $2/hr for the stuff I make so I can keep the prices low enough just to keep it selling but if I make $100 profit in a given month I would say I'm lucky. I have been doing that just to help us cover the bills... my way of "working for a living" and contributing to the family budget however I can. I do a lot of other craft type work whenever I am able or can find free supplies... wood burning, sewing, etc. but again, business is slow because most people who have any interest in that stuff are broke. Last summer I went to the county fair (1 of the few cheap activities around here to do) and talked to the chain saw artist who was out there. I saw all of the wood scraps he had laying around and asked if I could have some. I loaded up the back of my truck with pieces of free wood that are now almost dry enough to work with (should be ready this winter). I try to grab any opportunity I can within my abilities... but money to invest to get myself started is usually pretty much nothing at all, so I have to work within my means. A trip to a local thrift store would break the bank. We only have 1 in the area and they are not "cheap". I have been in there looking for clothing for myself a few times and noticed that their prices are very close to that of the local Walmart. This economy is killing us. :-(


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

snerg said:


> Couple items here.
> 
> 1 - I am sorry for the issues you are going through
> 
> ...


Snerg,
My husband wants me to thank you for this post. He said, "he nailed it!" as soon as I read your post to him. (yes, we share everything and my posting here is no secret... we have never, will never keep secrets from each other) He said your description was perfectly worded to describe everything he is going through. 
I am very understanding of this situation, maybe more so than the average woman/wife, and that is what led me here to this forum and my original post. I DO understand that a part of him is just GONE. I don't want to make him suffer more than he is currently suffering, which I can see is extensive. At the same time, I am suffering too, and that makes for 2 very miserable people who love each other very much and don't want to see the other hurting/suffering. (not sure if that makes sense?) I am finding some of this information being offered as very useful, and in reading these posts to hubby we are once again seeing some kind of hope. 
We have been discussing finances all night and are trying desperately to accommodate an appointment with a urologist as soon as possible. It will likely take at least another month to afford it, but I have waited this long, I can deal with another month. It's hope, and that helps tremendously. Just reading your post has seemed to perk up hubby's mood tonight, so from the bottom of my heart... thank you! Hope can accomplish amazing things. 
As for my calling the hospital... been there/done that, got nowhere. I went to the top administration of the hospital trying to deal with that mess. It was frustrating and depressing, and the end result left me stressed to the max and in tears. They insisted I apply for all of the assistance programs, which I don't qualify for. Our annual income misses the limits by about $50/yr for everything. I even sought help from my tribe, but because the surgery wasn't done through tribal dr's they won't cover a penny of it either. The closest tribal clinic/dr's are 90 miles away, which is the tribe's limit and disqualifies me for an exemption. At one point I actually hung up on someone because the things she was saying to me were so ridiculous I just couldn't stay polite any longer, it was better to just hang up the phone. It is unbelievable to me how other people can be so rude and disrespectful, assuming everyone has the same opportunities and resources available to them. 
Our current financial situation is grim, at best. We celebrate that we are still surviving at this point when many of our friends, some of whom were wealthy just 10 yrs ago, have lost everything. We at least have not lost our house, but it has not been easy. Every day is a struggle, and I know depression is also playing a part in this situation for both me and hubby. My thyroid condition AND the medication I must take both cause depression, so our situation only adds to that. I manage to deal with it without medications/antidepressants but there are bad days from time to time. Hope helps with that too. My dr tried antidepressants for me a couple of yrs ago but I had a bad reaction to them, didn't sleep at all for weeks, which put me at risk for other health issues, so I decided it was best to just stop them completely. I am normally a very happy, cheerful person and I find plenty to keep me motivated and functioning without the meds. I physically feel better without the meds. 

Anyway, thank you again for your input. I don't think hubby feels so alone or misunderstood anymore, and that by itself will help. He clearly sees now that I DO understand what he is dealing with. Even though that isn't, in itself, a solution, it does lift the mood and open the lines of communication even wider. Everyone here has been so helpful and supportive, but your post stands out from all the rest. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough...


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

Im 58 yrs old and I had low T , the pills did nothing for me, the gel i could not afford, 150.00 a month.. so i went to injections, every two weeks i get 300 mgs., the cost about 40.00 a month.
I have noticed some results,more energy, muscle, sexually a bit better but nothing like it use to be...

My problem is i still have sexual feelings but my wife has nothing for me..So i am also on my own , like you are.My wife is going through menopause and i could stand naked in front of her and it does nothing.. She has lost all desire.
So i continue my treatment for my overall health.

Also just wanted to add, even with my very low T,levels i never lost the desire to want to have sex or please my wife, but had trouble with maintaining erections and orgasm.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> We have been discussing finances all night and are trying desperately to accommodate an appointment with a urologist as soon as possible. It will likely take at least another month to afford it, but I have waited this long, I can deal with another month. It's hope, and that helps tremendously. Just reading your post has seemed to perk up hubby's mood tonight, so from the bottom of my heart... thank you!


Good! Couple points with the urologist:
1) Tell him/her everything!This is not a time to be modest! Doesn't matter if it's as simple as I no longer desire my wife to as complex as she used to get me aroused, covered my junk in candle wax and used a bullwhip to crack it off. Let them know that sex/intimacy is missing and what you want back.
2) work with the urologist to ensure he knows your money situation and insurance situation. That way he can help get treatments you need for what you are able to afford.




sadeyes said:


> As for my calling the hospital... been there/done that, got nowhere. I went to the top administration of the hospital trying to deal with that mess. It was frustrating and depressing, and the end result left me stressed to the max and in tears.


If you are getting stressed, you are doing it wrong. It is your job to get them to be stressed. Get them to hang up. The phrase "but I still don't understand...." needs to become a sharpen sword in dealing with these people



sadeyes said:


> They insisted I apply for all of the assistance programs, which I don't qualify for. Our annual income misses the limits by about $50/yr for everything. At one point I actually hung up on someone because the things she was saying to me were so ridiculous I just couldn't stay polite any longer, it was better to just hang up the phone. It is unbelievable to me how other people can be so rude and disrespectful, assuming everyone has the same opportunities and resources available to them.


You're doing it again. Thinking that you are dealing with sane people. Shame on you! "But I still don't understand...." works wonders with these people. I would suggest you contact their collections department and start with them. They are the group that tries everything to squeeze blood from rocks and turnips. They will work with you.



sadeyes said:


> My thyroid condition AND the medication I must take both cause depression, so our situation only adds to that. I manage to deal with it without medications/antidepressants but there are bad days from time to time. Hope helps with that too. My dr tried antidepressants for me a couple of yrs ago but I had a bad reaction to them, didn't sleep at all for weeks, which put me at risk for other health issues, so I decided it was best to just stop them completely. I am normally a very happy, cheerful person and I find plenty to keep me motivated and functioning without the meds. I physically feel better without the meds.


If your Thyroid meds are causing depression, you need to get into an endocrinologist ASAP and get them tuned!




sadeyes said:


> Anyway, thank you again for your input. I don't think hubby feels so alone or misunderstood anymore, and that by itself will help. He clearly sees now that I DO understand what he is dealing with. Even though that isn't, in itself, a solution, it does lift the mood and open the lines of communication even wider. Everyone here has been so helpful and supportive, but your post stands out from all the rest. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough...


Here's the great news. Depending on how low his T is and what treatment the urologist puts him on, in about a week the miasma of bad feeling will lessen. After two weeks, he will wake up and everything will not ache and he will actually "feel" like he used to..


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Hi sadeyes,

I feel you and your husband's pain. About seven years ago, cardiac medication killed my sexuality -- totally! I had no desire and could not get an erection. Nothing!!

I saw an *experienced *urologist at a large hospital and we addressed the erection issue first. Yes, we tried the little blue pill and its cousins; very little to no help. The vacuum device left a very artificial erection and then tried the Tri-mix standard injection. Worked for a short time and then -- nothing. He then suggested the AMS implant and since I just loved sex--it was a go. Eight weeks post surgery, I could perform better than ever and have never looked back. 

Concerning my testosterone issue, we had discussed the existing products out there but as you have already illustrated, they were way toooooooooo expensive. I now apply (once a day) a bio-identical testosterone cream that I purchase from a compounding pharmacy (Women's International Pharmacy). A 90 day supply costs $33/ month (including postage) and believe me it works just fine. The only down side is that my wife picks up testosterone from touching me but that is all. This is what works in our life and the sex has never been better. 

Concerning your disability, have you applied for disability help? Often the government agencies will turn the application down but go to a disability lawyer. I understand that they can get the disability payments and you pay for their help out of the disability you receive. I would not hurt to talk to a disability lawyer as the first consultation is usually free.

Have you applied for state Medicaid? Go after that help even if you have been turned down --- Make a pest of yourself and plead -- I mean continue to plead your case till their ears burn. Go over the head of those that turn you down -- let them know that you have special needs and need help NOW!

Also often the folks at Social Services will work with you and locate state programs that would pay for prescriptions, medical care, etc. Many hospitals or urgent clinic's have a "Free" day and will see folks at no charge. Please, don't be embarrassed to look into the help that is available. You really need the help and these programs were originally created for folks in you position.

Take care and good luck.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadeyes View Post 
{As for my calling the hospital... been there/done that, got nowhere. I went to the top administration of the hospital trying to deal with that mess. It was frustrating and depressing, and the end result left me stressed to the max and in tears.} 

sadeyes:
About ten years ago, I got zapped with $10,000 in charges from two hospitals. I talked to them (in person-- no phone calls) and told each that I could only afford to only pay each $50/month. They bulked, raised a fuss and threatened to take me to collections. I told then to go ahead and I will file bankruptcy and they will probably end up getting ZERO. I paid those debts off at $50/month each.

At least this strategy worked for me.


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## cantholdback (Jul 24, 2014)

Please don't waste your money on supplements. Your husband needs testosterone or maybe an ED drug. No supplement is going to work anywhere close to as good as the real thing.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> We were both 36 when we got married. Hubby was a virgin until we got engaged. We had a wonderful sex life that was satisfying and complete for both of us. He was a natural and didn't mind experimenting within his personal limits. (he's turned off by the thought of anal, bondage, etc.) We were totally compatible sexually, and remain totally compatible in every other way.





sadeyes said:


> This is pretty much what we covered in our talk the other night. He isn't "getting it". He is sexually naive, and basically, relationship naive too. He was single for so long because he comes from a deeply religious family, no sex until marriage. He didn't date because he had no interest in anyone he knew,



You said your husband was a virgin until you were engaged. Since you were married at 36 I'm assuming he was about *35* when he lost his virginity????

Let's face it, you are not, in fact, sexually/intimacy compatible. You married a man whose sexual needs were simply not a priority for him. I hate to sound pessimistic, but turning that around may not be possible. This is who he is. 

T supplements, viagra, and other medications might help him perform sexually, but it isn't going to change the core problem. It just isn't important to him. 

Here's what I recommend. Do sexy things. *Break the habits/pattern of your life*. Shift the paradigm. Whatever you are doing now, ditch it and do something different. Start wearing lingerie. No... in fact ditch your clothes and both of you go naked in the house for days on end (I didn't hear anything about children, so that should be ok). Go to a strip club. Forget religion for now. Take a vacation from *anything* religious for awhile. (NOT a vacation from God. Religion and God are not the same thing!!). You said you both don't drink. Go out and drink in moderation on a weekend night. Watch a porno movie together. Just some suggestions off the top of my head. It sounds like he is in a rut and it's time to get a different perspective on things. You have to break some of these habits or at least change his perspective. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sadeyes

Is your husband native as well? I'm wondering if you believe in and have considered traditional healing.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> Ok sadeyes.
> 
> I'm glad you posted about your financial situation and your limited insurance. I understand these are really tough times. You might not know it in some circles everyone seems to be doing fine, but many, many people are struggling out there. employment is at an all time low. millions have dropped out of the workforce not to retire but because they gave up looking for work, moved in with relatives, homeless. you get the point.
> 
> ...


If you decide to use L-arginnine, I suggest you use it with the scientifically proven protocol of 5000mg L-arginnine with 1000mg of L-citruline simultaneously.

L-arginnine alone will have reducing effectiveness without the long-term body production of Nitric Oxide supported by the L-citruline.

Good luck, this protocol brought my blood pressure back to normal levels.

Stretch


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

snerg said:


> Good! Couple points with the urologist:
> 1) Tell him/her everything!This is not a time to be modest! Doesn't matter if it's as simple as I no longer desire my wife to as complex as she used to get me aroused, covered my junk in candle wax and used a bullwhip to crack it off. Let them know that sex/intimacy is missing and what you want back.
> 2) work with the urologist to ensure he knows your money situation and insurance situation. That way he can help get treatments you need for what you are able to afford.
> 
> ...


I will be going with him to the appointment with the urologist, so no worries there. I don't have any issues discussing such things, and I know how to make sure a dr understands a situation, lol. Too much practice I guess. 

As for the hospital bill situation, "I still don't understand" only got me so far, lol. I have been dealing with that sort of stuff for years also. The problem is that the hospital changed it's billing policy, for everyone. They refuse to negotiate with anyone anymore. The new policy is pretty cut and dry, any bill $1,000 or over (no ceiling limit on this) must now be paid in full within 10 months, no exceptions. Anything under $1,000 must be paid in full within 6 months, no exceptions. They are blaming it on the ACA. I asked what someone was supposed to do if they needed surgery and their portion of the bill was going to be $10,000 or more, and the response I got was, "they will have to take out a loan, prepay before surgery, or go without the surgery". When I made a fuss about people going without needed medical care because of a policy like that, the hospital blamed it on the ACA (Obamacare) and our moron governor turning down the medicaid funding... and said I was welcome to call other hospitals in the state and ask what their policies have changed to... because they are ALL doing it in this state. I did actually call around to some other hospitals and discovered that some of them are now demanding prepayment for anything over $1,000 before they will allow any kind of scheduled procedures. The only way to get around it/only exception is ER care, where they can't refuse you in an emergency, but they don't have to do anything more than stabilize you. It's a real mess. Anyway, the "I don't understand/I don't get it" thing only worked for so long until they just got blunt about it... they gave me the amount of the minimum acceptable payment and told me that if I didn't pay it then I would be hearing from their legal department. At the time this happened I couldn't afford to let it even go to collections because we were in the process of refinancing our house. We would have lost out on the refinance loan if that had turned up on either of our credit reports, and without the refinance we couldn't afford to cover even the old $40/month payments anymore. I hate financial juggling but that's how we've been surviving.

As for the thyroid meds causing depression, that is a side effect of the medication, no way to get around it. That was one of the first things the endocrinologist covered with me yrs ago when my thyroid problem was first discovered. I started out severely hyperthyroid and they couldn't get it under control so I went through radiation treatments to kill the thyroid gland. It was all explained to me back then before I agreed to the radiation... once the thyroid died I would end up hypothyroid and would need a supplement for the rest of my life, and the medication/supplement has a few side effects, 1 of which is depression. It's a no win situation for that. I have had lengthy discussions with many pharmacists over the yrs and all have told me the same thing... no way to get around it because without the supplement I'd be a walking heart attack waiting to happen. It sucks but I deal with it.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

ifweonly said:


> Concerning your disability, have you applied for disability help? Often the government agencies will turn the application down but go to a disability lawyer. I understand that they can get the disability payments and you pay for their help out of the disability you receive. I would not hurt to talk to a disability lawyer as the first consultation is usually free.
> 
> Have you applied for state Medicaid? Go after that help even if you have been turned down --- Make a pest of yourself and plead -- I mean continue to plead your case till their ears burn. Go over the head of those that turn you down -- let them know that you have special needs and need help NOW!
> 
> ...


I have talked with 3 different disability lawyers over the past 10 yrs, all tell me there isn't anything they can do to help me. Apparently I am not "disabled enough" and then for SSDI it comes down to I didn't make enough money/hourly wage at my last job to qualify, not enough "points" from a minimum wage job. 
I did apply for medicaid, one of the criteria I had to meet when dealing with my hospital bill. I don't qualify for that either. Hubby makes $50/yr too much in income for me to meet the qualifications of our state's medicaid program. (they determine qualification based on household income) It's the same problem for food stamps and energy assistance programs too. We miss the cut off by $50/yr. I thank my moron of a governor for the medicaid issues. Since he turned down the federal expansion money our medicaid situation in this state is a total mess.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

ifweonly said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by sadeyes View Post
> {As for my calling the hospital... been there/done that, got nowhere. I went to the top administration of the hospital trying to deal with that mess. It was frustrating and depressing, and the end result left me stressed to the max and in tears.}
> 
> ...


Unfortunately the hospital is well aware that we just finished a bankruptcy, so that wouldn't work for us... at least not for the next 7 - 10 yrs, lol. We were on a $40/month payment plan until recently and we never missed a payment. The hospital just recently changed their billing policy, which is what caused the problem. As I just explained in another post, they are making no exceptions for anyone. The new billing policy states that any bill under $1,000 must be paid in full within 6 months and any bill $1,000 or over (no ceiling limit) must be paid within 10 months. After talking to a few other hospitals in the area I guess I got lucky to have my surgery when I did... it seems they have all changed their billing policies (within the state) and some are requiring prepayment of all or most bills that have anything to do with a scheduled procedure. They are refusing to even schedule surgeries until payments are covered 100% (figuring in insurance coverage, the patient must prepay their portion of the bill up front). I've been told by all of them that it was the implementation of the ACA combined with our governor turning down the medicaid expansion that caused this mess.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Theseus said:


> You said your husband was a virgin until you were engaged. Since you were married at 36 I'm assuming he was about *35* when he lost his virginity????


That is correct


Theseus said:


> Let's face it, you are not, in fact, sexually/intimacy compatible.


We will have to agree to disagree on this point. Until the low T issue we were perfectly compatible sexually/intimacy and everything else. This is a fairly recent issue and wasn't a problem for the first 6+ yrs of our marriage.


Theseus said:


> You married a man whose sexual needs were simply not a priority for him. I hate to sound pessimistic, but turning that around may not be possible. This is who he is.
> 
> T supplements, viagra, and other medications might help him perform sexually, but it isn't going to change the core problem. It just isn't important to him.


Again we will have to agree to disagree. This IS important to him and has made him a stressed out mess since this problem started. In the beginning he tried endlessly until it was clear that it just wasn't working, at which point he went to the dr to try to resolve the issue. He altered his diet for a while, trying things he read about online, but none of that worked either. He has made it very obvious that this is important to him.


Theseus said:


> Here's what I recommend. Do sexy things. *Break the habits/pattern of your life*. Shift the paradigm. Whatever you are doing now, ditch it and do something different. Start wearing lingerie. No... in fact ditch your clothes and both of you go naked in the house for days on end (I didn't hear anything about children, so that should be ok). Go to a strip club. Forget religion for now. Take a vacation from *anything* religious for awhile. (NOT a vacation from God. Religion and God are not the same thing!!). You said you both don't drink. Go out and drink in moderation on a weekend night. Watch a porno movie together. Just some suggestions off the top of my head. It sounds like he is in a rut and it's time to get a different perspective on things. You have to break some of these habits or at least change his perspective. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying.


I appreciate the suggestions but that stuff isn't going to happen. The lingerie doesn't phase him because he lacks all desire at this point, so my wearing it is pointless, it only makes me feel worse in doing so, which is why it now hangs in the closet unused. Naked in the house ALL the time would be the same thing, not to mention the dog's nose up our asses and my macaw trying to give me a mastectomy at every turn, lol. We spend plenty of time naked as it is, but that isn't going to fix his physical problem. Neither of us has any interest in strip clubs. I worked in those for yrs when I was younger, got my fill of them by the time I retired. Hubby has never had any interest in strip clubs or seeing other women naked, not to mention strip clubs are expensive and we are broke. Neither of us drinks by choice, and again, that would be expensive... we don't have the money to go out to a movie much less spend time in a bar/club where neither of us wants to be in the first place. I can say the same thing about porn... neither of us has never had any interest in that stuff. My ex was hooked on porn and I got burnt out on that many yrs ago. Hubby has never had an interest in it. (we are very compatible, we both like/dislike the same things)
The only "rut" is the physical problem of low T, and until we can find a way to deal with that I don't think there is any other solution. 

If you go back and read Snerg's comment you will understand better. The desire isn't there because of the physical problem. Eye candy and alcohol are not the solutions to that. I'm trying hard to understand why anyone would suggest alcohol to someone who has openly said that neither of us drink? We don't allow it in our home, didn't have any at our wedding, and don't allow anyone who has been drinking to come into our home. That is our way of life and we are happy that way. I come from a family of alcoholics, so that's the LAST thing I want happening in my home much less in my marriage, even if we could afford it.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Sadeyes
> 
> Is your husband native as well? I'm wondering if you believe in and have considered traditional healing.


No, hubby is not native and while I have "some" belief in traditional healing, that is not something hubby shares.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Maybe you and your husband should just try doing it, regardless of whether the desire is there.

I don't mean actually attempting to have penetrative sex. I mean having a proper hug. Having a proper kiss. Having the physical contact you crave.

My husband and I went through a totally sexless patch of around 3 1/2 years. Before that it was nigh on sexless for years on end. Even if we had sex the intimacy had gone. It was grim.

Anyway things came to a head a year or so ago and I threatened to leave. And meant it. (I know you are not in that position; I mention it for info.) One of my complaints was that I was not prepared to live like a nun any more.

Anyway, we reconciled and initially we thought about waiting until the intimacy came back before trying to have sex. Fortunately my husband got drugs for his ED and we decided to have the sex anyway. It was a bit weird and uncomfortable at first, but the regular physical contact helped massively with getting the relationship back on track. I think if we had been waiting for the intimacy to come back first we would still be waiting now.

If hubby does not feel up for sex and I do he is perfectly OK about pleasuring me.

A lot of people get hung up on the fact that they don't want to bother with the sex/physical contact if they feel that the other party is not really keen. I get that, but I think it is better to look at the bigger picture. If both parties really want to fix the relationship then a bit of work needs to be put in. If one party considers giving hugs "work" then let them do the work; and let the other party graciously accept. If both parties make a genuine and concerted effort and it still hasn't helped a year down the line, then fine. At least you know everything possible was done.

Using the Nike approach could help you.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Maybe you and your husband should just try doing it, regardless of whether the desire is there.
> 
> I don't mean actually attempting to have penetrative sex. I mean having a proper hug. Having a proper kiss. Having the physical contact you crave.
> 
> ...




ED and Low T are totally two different beasts.

If you have ED - you still have desire to have intimacy. You just can't perform - which leads to fear, which leads to husbands not wanting intimacy for fear of failure. However, the man can do anything else sexually (oral, manual, use of toys ect.) if his confidence is still there.

Low T - you have no want nor a desire for intimacy. You may or may not have ED and you really don't care. There will be no "just do it" because he can't. Again, I don't want to TJ - just leave this as "he is unable to do the normal necessary things for intimacy." Once the Low T issue has been corrected, he can and will start functioning where he will want and desire to fulfill intimacy.

Great big difference between the two.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This thread is unlike most of the threads dealing with performance issues in that her husband sounds like a very good husband who desires to please his wife and they both only want to find a way to get their sex life back.

Financial issues are the biggest hurdle. And then of course it's finding the right Dr. and/or supplements or medical treatments.

Most of the guys we hear of are too stuck on their fragile male ego's and attempt to shut off sex from shame. it's called projection (I think). 'Since I have the problem, and I can't perform, I'm going to shut you off, tell you your'e sex obsessed, or play passive aggressive on you'.

That's not the case here I think. They're both genuinely looking for answers. Their insurance is jacking them around and they have extremely limited $$$$.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I understand there is a difference between low T and ED. There is also a difference between intimacy and sexual relations. The OP is craving physical contact but has been quite clear that she can do without sex if she has to. Does low T prevent a man from giving his wife a hug once in a while? My point about just doing it even if you don't feel like it is that it could be a good way to kick start you into actually wanting some physical contact even if you have no libido


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Viagra costs around $20 a pill. If you want to get laid 6 times a month, that is 120 bux. working 17 hours a month will cover that. Have you looked for a part time job


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> This thread is unlike most of the threads dealing with performance issues in that her husband sounds like a very good husband who desires to please his wife and they both only want to find a way to get their sex life back.
> 
> Financial issues are the biggest hurdle. And then of course it's finding the right Dr. and/or supplements or medical treatments.
> 
> ...


Jorgene, you and Snerg seem to be the 2 who understand the most and truly "get it" and I thank you both for that. You have summed the situation up very accurately. Snerg seems to have perfectly described the issue my husband is having. 

The "just do it" scenario isn't possible. He is not physically capable of "just doing it" no matter how bad he may want to make me happy. It's killing him to know that he has no control over this, it's not a mental block, it's not a personality quirk, it's not an emotional problem... it's a physical issue that needs to be resolved and we're in a difficult situation. He wants this fixed as badly as I do, for more reasons than just sex & intimacy... we both want it fixed for his general health and well being. 

I understand some of the emotional battle he is dealing with in all of this. I have the same issue when my thyroid acts up. It doesn't matter how badly you want to do something, how much you know you NEED to do something... the mind can scream yes yes yes all it wants but all the body does is laugh as it yells NO! and there you sit. I truly sympathize with what my husband is going through, and he says it helps to know that he's not going through it alone, nor is he the only man who has this issue. He doesn't have anyone to talk to about this except me, so he has felt very alone. Sharing in these posts with me has helped to bring him out of that shell, at least, and that alone has helped open the lines of communication here at home. We are both grateful for that.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> I understand there is a difference between low T and ED. There is also a difference between intimacy and sexual relations. The OP is craving physical contact but has been quite clear that she can do without sex if she has to. Does low T prevent a man from giving his wife a hug once in a while? My point about just doing it even if you don't feel like it is that it could be a good way to kick start you into actually wanting some physical contact even if you have no libido


I do get hugs once in a while, and that's great... but there is no "desire" coming from him. Ever hugged a platonic best friend? It's about the same kind of "feeling" involved. You can't hug your way to intimacy if there is no desire for it. He holds my hand, he hugs me, and if I lay next to him on the futon to watch a movie he puts his arm around me... but that's all it is. There is no passion, there is no sexual desire, there is no "spark" because his has just totally disappeared. He lays in bed at night and tells me he wishes he could fix it but doesn't know what else to do. He tells me he feels badly about it, not just the loss of intimacy, but the lost of physical anything these days. His body is just shutting down o him and he's helpless to stop it. Everything that should come easy to him, daily activities, has become a struggle. Walking 2 blocks to the corner gas station for a gallon of milk has him panting and exhausted. He tries, but that doesn't fix it. I am starting to see a physical loss of muscle tone, too. He's slowing down in every way, memory issues, stamina issues for anything/everything, loss of interest in hobbies I know he still loves, but they require physical effort he just doesn't have the stamina to fulfill. It's awful seeing him like this.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Viagra costs around $20 a pill. If you want to get laid 6 times a month, that is 120 bux. working 17 hours a month will cover that. Have you looked for a part time job


If you go back and read through all of the posts, I have already answered this question. I don't have transportation to get to a job outside of the house. There is no public transportation available where I live and I cannot drive. I was offered a part time job as a seamstress at a bridal shop back in April but I had no way to get to it, so had to turn it down. I can't do that kind of job from home because I have a house full of pets and that brings liability issues (people have allergies to various animals). I discussed that at length with the shop owner. It would have been a perfect job for me because I love to sew and have been doing it since I was 12... but without transportation, I'm stuck here at home. I think she was as distressed about it as I was because she desperately needed qualified help and I was a perfect fit for the job and the environment, except for that. I have NO friends anywhere near me who could help me out with transportation, so unless I can find a legitimate job I can work from home, I'm stuck. I also have no money to invest in starting up a small business of my own from home, so before that is suggested I will put that out there. My bead work is all I have right now and the market for that is very low and sporadic.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> Again we will have to agree to disagree. This IS important to him and has made him a stressed out mess since this problem started. In the beginning he tried endlessly until it was clear that it just wasn't working, at which point he went to the dr to try to resolve the issue. He altered his diet for a while, trying things he read about online, but none of that worked either. He has made it very obvious that this is important to him.


But is it important to him for it's own sake, or is it important to him because he sees it's hurting you? There is a difference between a guy who enjoys sex period, and a guy who has sex to please his partner.

Apparently your husband had no/little sex drive for the first 35 years of his life (including when he was at his sexual peak). Doesn't that tell you something?



> _Hubby has never had any interest in strip clubs or seeing other women naked, _


If that is true, then that helps illustrate the problem. If your husband really has a healthy sex drive, then he would enjoy seeing women naked, even if he refused the temptation for moral/religious reasons. I'm not trying to sound cruel, but I doubt that your husband was genetically programmed to only be attracted to you and you alone. 



> _If you go back and read Snerg's comment you will understand better. The desire isn't there because of the physical problem. Eye candy and alcohol are not the solutions to that. _


It's not about "eye candy", it's about breaking certain habits and changing your environment. 

In this thread, you seem to be focusing on who "gets" your problem and who doesn't. But even those who you think get it, don't have solutions for you either, do they?

One of the best things about posting here is simply to be exposed to ideas that you might not have considered on your own. 



> _I'm trying hard to understand why anyone would suggest alcohol to someone who has openly said that neither of us drink? We don't allow it in our home, didn't have any at our wedding, and don't allow anyone who has been drinking to come into our home. That is our way of life and we are happy that way. I come from a family of alcoholics, so that's the LAST thing I want happening in my home much less in my marriage, even if we could afford it._


Because the road you are currently traveling on isn't leading to the destination you want to reach. So of course, drinking alcohol was only ONE suggestion for you to consider, that is all. 

BTW, this is veering off topic, but my wife and I also come from a family of alcoholics, and we don't want that in our lives either. We drink, but ONLY in a social setting when we are entertaining or out with other people (which is rare), and then only in moderation. 

Obviously, alcohol would not be a magic pill anyway, and you both certainly shouldn't if you are so opposed to it. But I do suggest doing something to get out of the environment you both are currently in.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> Viagra costs around $20 a pill. If you want to get laid 6 times a month, that is 120 bux. working 17 hours a month will cover that. Have you looked for a part time job


Since Viagra costs like 25 cents in countries like India, you can buy it for a lot less if you shop around online, although do your research so you don't get burned with fake viagra. 

However, viagra might not help much here because it doesn't do anything about desire for sex, it only helps with performance issues.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> His body is just shutting down o him and he's helpless to stop it. Everything that should come easy to him, daily activities, has become a struggle. Walking 2 blocks to the corner gas station for a gallon of milk has him panting and exhausted. He tries, but that doesn't fix it. I am starting to see a physical loss of muscle tone, too. He's slowing down in every way, memory issues, stamina issues for anything/everything, loss of interest in hobbies I know he still loves, but they require physical effort he just doesn't have the stamina to fulfill. It's awful seeing him like this.



OK, now you are describing a VERY different problem than the one you originally focused on in this thread. If he is really such a mess, I think that's a bit more important than simple lack of intimacy.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Chances are, his inhibitions are greatly influenced by his inability to perform. We males have fragile ego's when it comes to this.
> 
> ...


I agree, however best friends in a marriage work things out together. Good or bad.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> If you go back and read through all of the posts, I have already answered this question. I don't have transportation to get to a job outside of the house. There is no public transportation available where I live and I cannot drive. I was offered a part time job as a seamstress at a bridal shop back in April but I had no way to get to it, *so had to turn it down. I can't do that kind of job from home because I have a house full of pets and that brings liability issues (people have allergies to various animals). * I discussed that at length with the shop owner. It would have been a perfect job for me because I love to sew and have been doing it since I was 12... but without transportation, I'm stuck here at home. I think she was as distressed about it as I was because she desperately needed qualified help and I was a perfect fit for the job and the environment, except for that. I have NO friends anywhere near me who could help me out with transportation, so unless I can find a legitimate job I can work from home, I'm stuck. I also have no money to invest in starting up a small business of my own from home, so before that is suggested I will put that out there. My bead work is all I have right now and the market for that is very low and sporadic.


You are a very articulate woman. I'm surprised you haven't already realized how expensive pets are. 

To each problem you've stated, there have been several replies and each and every reply you have shot down with various reasons why it won't work. Very well reasoned replies.

I have purposely not used the word "excuses" but I will now.

Life is a trade off and we rarely get exactly what we want exactly how we want it. Sometimes we have to shovel a mountain of sh!t out of the way to get to where we want. But it seems that you feel your particular mountain of sh!t is made of cement, when it is not.

1. Get rid of all of your pets. That right there will save you a bundle. ......Enter numerous well reasoned excuses on why this doesn't/can't apply to you....

2. Move to a place where you have better access to public transportation.

3. Get a bike. Yes, biking to a job in lousy weather is NO fun! but the alternative is less fun.

If you out half as much thought into convincing yourself that you CAN do it as you out into reasoning out why you CAN'T, it would be done already.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Stretch said:


> I have used Granville Pharmacy several times with good results.
> 
> Online Canadian Pharmacy :: Canada Pharmacy, Drugs From Canada, Canadian Online Pharmacy, Drugs Canada!!!


I have used BuyLowDrugs.com for about 5 years. Excellent service and quality pharmaceticals

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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> Viagra costs around $20 a pill. If you want to get laid 6 times a month, that is 120 bux. working 17 hours a month will cover that. Have you looked for a part time job


Viagra is available from many places: 
http://www.buylowdrugs.com/rx-drugs/Viagra.php

You also cut the cost by splitting your pills. (50 mg = 2 x 25 mg)


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You are a very articulate woman. I'm surprised you haven't already realized how expensive pets are.
> 
> To each problem you've stated, there have been several replies and each and every reply you have shot down with various reasons why it won't work. Very well reasoned replies.
> 
> ...


I have not shot down every suggestion made... we are searching for a urologist already. That was the 1 suggestion that actually made sense, and one which has not been tried yet. It will still be another month or 2 before it's possible for him to go, but we will use that time to sort out our options and figure out what, if any, issues there will be in getting through the insurance company. I'm still trying to figure out if he'll need a referral for that since it's considered a "specialist" and if so, how to get a referral written since I know our GP won't write it.

Biking is on the list of things I physically can't do. I haven't been able to ride a bike in over 20 yrs.

Getting rid of my pets isn't going to happen and I won't make "excuses" for that... will just simply state it's not happening. My pets are not as expensive as you may be thinking they are, mostly because my husband works in the pet industry and I get a lot of free stuff that the average person doesn't get. The majority of my pets are my fish/aquariums. My last job was also in the pet industry and I have maintained my connections as well. 

Moving is also not an option. Not only would we need to sell our house to do this, but we have worked and fought hard to keep from losing our house over the past 5 yrs. To move where public transportation is available would mean moving back to the big city. We moved away from it for specific reasons and will not be moving back. The cost of living in the big city is higher overall, the violence and other issues are also greatly increased, and the medical care there was crap compared to what we have here. These are not "excuses". These are the REASONS why we will not move back to the city, the reasons why we moved here to begin with. But, even if we didn't mind moving back to the city, the housing market is crap and considering our house is in bad need of remodeling, it would likely take a long time to sell it IF we were willing to put it on the market, not to mention how much would need to be done to it before listing it. Moving is just not an option. We will find another way to figure this out... one that does not involve moving.

If I had convinced myself we can't do/fix this then I wouldn't be here in the first place, nor would we be seeking our a urologist. I am looking for a way we can fix this while accommodating the other issues we face (ie. money, transportation, time, etc). I am looking for something reasonable and feasible that we are BOTH comfortable with and physically capable of. I didn't expect this was going to change overnight or an "easy" solution was going to just appear. Life doesn't work that way.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Theseus said:


> But is it important to him for it's own sake, or is it important to him because he sees it's hurting you? There is a difference between a guy who enjoys sex period, and a guy who has sex to please his partner.


It is important to him for both reasons. We had a perfectly happy and great sex life until his T levels dropped. You apparently are not understanding what I have been explaining. We have been married for over 8 yrs. This is a "new" problem, just recent that his T levels dropped, thus the problem set in. If what you are implying were true then we never would have had a great sex life to begin with. I am not taking kindly to your trying to imply that there is something wrong with my husband because he is different than you. Not all guys live for sex and seeing random naked women (contrary to what you may believe) whenever they can. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. I have known and had many male friends over the yrs who are not walking horn toads who live for sex and naked women. 
You also seem to forget that I mentioned I worked in strip clubs for yrs when I was younger. I got a good education. EVERY guy who sat in those clubs had some kind of major issue in their life. We dancers used to sit in our dressing room and laugh at the ones who persisted on trying to "date" us and I was quite blunt with some of them when they refused to take no for an answer. I already had enough issues in my life, why in the hell would I want to add to that with someone who spent their free time getting drunk and/or sitting in clubs watching random naked women dancing around them all night long? Those guys all had relationship issues... some of it was caused by their bad habit of sitting in strip clubs and bars, some of them had NO relationships because good women don't want men who have such a habit, they want men who are happy with their wives, at home, and content to spend their money on their wives, families, homes, etc, not give it away to a bunch of strange women dancing naked on stages. Lonely men sit in strip clubs. Desperate men sit in strip clubs. Young men out sowing their wild oats sit in strip clubs. Healthy, happily married men don't sit in strip clubs, and if you don't believe me, go talk to some dancers and hear it from them, too. 



Theseus said:


> Apparently your husband had no/little sex drive for the first 35 years of his life (including when he was at his sexual peak). Doesn't that tell you something?


Just because he had a healthy sense of control over his sex drive doesn't mean there is/was anything wrong with him. Abstinence is not unheard of and he's not the only man out there who understands that abstinence can be healthy.



Theseus said:


> If that is true, then that helps illustrate the problem. If your husband really has a healthy sex drive, then he would enjoy seeing women naked, even if he refused the temptation for moral/religious reasons. I'm not trying to sound cruel, but I doubt that your husband was genetically programmed to only be attracted to you and you alone.


I never said he was "genetically programmed to be attracted to only me and me alone". Having a healthy sex drive does not, however, mean a person, man or woman, spends their time indulging in things they don't approve of or find an interest in. Having a healthy sex drive does not mean that a person (man or woman) desires to spend time in places like strip clubs. 2/3 of the men I know, of all ages, have never set foot in a strip club. Are you going to say that means they all have issues with being healthy men with a healthy sex drive? Why is it so difficult for you to comprehend that some people just have no interest in such places/things? You actually remind me of 1 of my ex's who was addicted to that crap... thus one of the big reasons he is my ex. HE had some major mental health issues, including sex addiction. 




Theseus said:


> It's not about "eye candy", it's about breaking certain habits and changing your environment.


Again, there is nothing wrong with our environment and this has nothing to do with breaking habits. This is about low testosterone, which I am assuming by your comments, you have never dealt with personally and have no experience with.



Theseus said:


> In this thread, you seem to be focusing on who "gets" your problem and who doesn't. But even those who you think get it, don't have solutions for you either, do they?


Yes, as a matter of fact, there is one potential solution that we are pursuing... seeking the help of a urologist. We are dealing with a MEDICAL PROBLEM and thus seeking a different area of medical advice/care is very likely going to offer us a solution.



Theseus said:


> One of the best things about posting here is simply to be exposed to ideas that you might not have considered on your own.


This is true, and I am considering & pursuing the suggestions that make sense. Strip clubs & alcohol make no sense. Those are not logical ways to deal with a medical problem.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Life is a trade off and we rarely get exactly what we want exactly how we want it. Sometimes we have to shovel a mountain of sh!t out of the way to get to where we want. But it seems that you feel your particular mountain of sh!t is made of cement, when it is not.


Yes life is a trade off, I fully understand how that works. I would not be here today if I didn't. I will NOT give up what little I have left because some stranger online "suggested" it as my only feasible option. I live with a disability that is beyond my control. I know all too well about trade off's. I have had to give up many things in my life just to maintain my ability to walk. I don't have much but I am content with what I do have. I want to help my husband fix his problem, for both our sakes, but I want to do it in a way that is reasonable and feasible for both of us. Giving up what little I have left is not going to fix this. 
If I were to take your suggestions, give up my pets, give up my home... what I would be left with would be a Monday - Friday of sitting here twiddling my thumbs because the only thing left to do would be to clean my house all day/night. I could tell my husband (which would make him laugh) that I want to move back to the city where we have to worry about someone shooting up our house on a regular basis, the drug houses on every other street, the noise, his allergies, the pollution, the gangs, break ins, etc. so that I can have access to a bus line to work a job, make extra money, so we can have sex twice/wk. In the meantime, neither of us would be happy... that's going to do a lot to improve our sex life. There would be no more ability to do the things we enjoy, such as sitting out in our yard at night and watching the stars & meteor showers while we talk and laugh. No more gardens in the summer, no more opening our windows all night to enjoy the sweet summer air wafting through the house... no more peace. Instead we'd be trading in our peaceful weekends to repair the damage done by vandals, worry about stolen cars, stolen license plates, neighborhood dogs & cats digging up our yard on a regular basis, and listening to the neighbors crank their rap music until our windows rattle. 
That's what we moved away from to begin with. To be within traveling distance of hubby's job in an area we could afford to live in, that's exactly where we'd have to go back to.... and that makes absolutely no sense. That is not what either of us calls a trade off that's in our favor.

The trade off in this situation is going to be my patience until we can afford the medical help he needs. It's going to involve waiting it out until we pay off some of the current medical bills so we can afford more. The end result will be getting his problem resolved while not having to give up everything we have left to enjoy in our lives. 

The irony of sitting here reading through these posts that tell me I should give up what little pleasure I do have left in my life so I can trade it for 2 nights/wk of sex. If that's truly how people (in general) think then it's no wonder there are so many unhappy people in this world. My current problem is temporary... trading all of the good in my life for sex would likely be permanent. If that were my only option I would prefer to live without the sex and intimacy.


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Theseus said:


> OK, now you are describing a VERY different problem than the one you originally focused on in this thread. If he is really such a mess, I think that's a bit more important than simple lack of intimacy.


Yes this is more than just lack of intimacy, but most of the physical changes I have described are relatively new changes that I have been noticing over the past few wks, or have just begun to make the connection to these physical changes and the problem of low T. 
His slowing down has been gradual and I just never made that connection before. The more I read & research about low T the more I am now seeing and the more it all makes sense. For a long time I attributed his loss of energy & strength to long days at work, overtime, and over exertion with yard work... but I can see now that's not the case. My cousin came to stay with us last weekend, helped to move one of my large fish tanks to the basement. I noticed that where the tank leaned on hubby while he was carrying his corner, he now has huge bruises on his arm. My cousin is the same age we are and yet he has no bruises from doing the same thing hubby did. Something is very wrong and the more I see the more worried I am getting. Even worse, I don't think hubby is realizing how serious this is getting. We will be sitting down again this weekend for another talk. I truly need him to understand that he needs to take this more seriously, not because of our suffering sex life, but for his general health and well being. I don't want anything to happen to him... I don't want to lose him. 
I'm not sure what other signs/symptoms I should be looking for? What else I should be worried about?


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Thanks to the suggestions offered here I have been researching T supplements online and paid closer attention to the ads airing on tv. I have some questions and concerns that I want to put out here and see what others can offer from personal knowledge and/or experience.
I have been seeing a lot of tv ads lately about lawsuits for men who have used "Androgel" T supplement. This was the supplement that dr prescribed for hubby when he was first diagnosed with low T (the one our insurance refuses to cover). Should I be worried about these supplements causing him other health problems? How dangerous is it to use this stuff? And how do the pros & cons weigh into each other in choosing to use it vs not? I don't want him to get a prescription and set him up for a heart attack or stroke in the process... but would he be setting himself up for those things by not using it? 
I am so confused.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

sadeyes said:


> Yes life is a trade off, I fully understand how that works. I would not be here today if I didn't. I will NOT give up what little I have left because some stranger online "suggested" it as my only feasible option. I live with a disability that is beyond my control. I know all too well about trade off's. I have had to give up many things in my life just to maintain my ability to walk. I don't have much but I am content with what I do have. I want to help my husband fix his problem, for both our sakes, but I want to do it in a way that is reasonable and feasible for both of us. Giving up what little I have left is not going to fix this.
> If I were to take your suggestions, give up my pets, give up my home... what I would be left with would be a Monday - Friday of sitting here twiddling my thumbs because the only thing left to do would be to clean my house all day/night. I could tell my husband (which would make him laugh) that I want to move back to the city where we have to worry about someone shooting up our house on a regular basis, the drug houses on every other street, the noise, his allergies, the pollution, the gangs, break ins, etc. so that I can have access to a bus line to work a job, make extra money, so we can have sex twice/wk. In the meantime, neither of us would be happy... that's going to do a lot to improve our sex life. There would be no more ability to do the things we enjoy, such as sitting out in our yard at night and watching the stars & meteor showers while we talk and laugh. No more gardens in the summer, no more opening our windows all night to enjoy the sweet summer air wafting through the house... no more peace. Instead we'd be trading in our peaceful weekends to repair the damage done by vandals, worry about stolen cars, stolen license plates, neighborhood dogs & cats digging up our yard on a regular basis, and listening to the neighbors crank their rap music until our windows rattle.
> That's what we moved away from to begin with. To be within traveling distance of hubby's job in an area we could afford to live in, that's exactly where we'd have to go back to.... and that makes absolutely no sense. That is not what either of us calls a trade off that's in our favor.
> 
> ...


Excellent rationalization for essentially doing nothing to improve your life and marriage. 

But it's your life and your marriage so you ARE the one who gets to make those rationalizations and weigh the pros and con of each trade off/decision.

But you're still not recognizing that the current sexlessness in your marriage CAN be helped, it's just that the means of getting that help is distasteful to you. And that's okay. It is your life after all.

Best regards.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sadeyes said:


> I do get hugs once in a while, and that's great... but there is no "desire" coming from him. Ever hugged a platonic best friend? It's about the same kind of "feeling" involved. You can't hug your way to intimacy if there is no desire for it. He holds my hand, he hugs me, and if I lay next to him on the futon to watch a movie he puts his arm around me... but that's all it is. There is no passion, there is no sexual desire, there is no "spark" because his has just totally disappeared. He lays in bed at night and tells me he wishes he could fix it but doesn't know what else to do. He tells me he feels badly about it, not just the loss of intimacy, but the lost of physical anything these days. His body is just shutting down o him and he's helpless to stop it. Everything that should come easy to him, daily activities, has become a struggle. Walking 2 blocks to the corner gas station for a gallon of milk has him panting and exhausted. He tries, but that doesn't fix it. I am starting to see a physical loss of muscle tone, too. He's slowing down in every way, memory issues, stamina issues for anything/everything, loss of interest in hobbies I know he still loves, but they require physical effort he just doesn't have the stamina to fulfill. It's awful seeing him like this.


HE HAS TO GET TESTOSTERONE!!! THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE FIXED!!!
PRIORITY #1 TO GET INJECTIBLE TESTOSTERONE CYPHONATE. 
MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!Been there and done that! Have the T-shirt and the cap. Have local pharmacy check if your insurance covers the injection...don't believe what someone from the insurance company is telling you. My BCBS covers it at $45 for 3 mo. 10cc vial. 

The fix to his problems are simple and easy.........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Use a 22ga needle to draw the test. Out of vial and then switch to a 25ga sharp to inject into upper outer thigh area. Most times I can not even feel the needle. Takes about 15 seconds to get the injection into the muscle completed. Energy, intamacy, sex drive and muscle tone will return. He will start loosing the gut too. Fat also converts testosterone into estrogen. Low T leads to being more sad.irritable, tired, achy, intamacy zombie(he can understand your concerns but is emotionally numb), does not sleep well, loss of muscle/strength, could not think and memory was slipping. I started injections and have lost 65 lbs since Jan. More muscle than ever and wife has worried she can't keep up with me. I think the heart attack crap is over blown by the ambulance chaser lawyers. NO MATTER THE RISK...I AIN'T NEVER GOING BACK TO THE WAY I WAS BEFORE! Try to locate a Dr in area that does HRT stuff. I see a nurse practitioner who works for a lung Dr. Who does HRT on the side the FNP-C I go to works also at the hormone clinic. What insurance do you have, what state?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadeyes (Aug 25, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> Use a 22ga needle to draw the test. Out of vial and then switch to a 25ga sharp to inject into upper outer thigh area. Most times I can not even feel the needle. Takes about 15 seconds to get the injection into the muscle completed. Energy, intamacy, sex drive and muscle tone will return. He will start loosing the gut too. Fat also converts testosterone into estrogen. Low T leads to being more sad.irritable, tired, achy, intamacy zombie(he can understand your concerns but is emotionally numb), does not sleep well, loss of muscle/strength, could not think and memory was slipping. I started injections and have lost 65 lbs since Jan. More muscle than ever and wife has worried she can't keep up with me. I think the heart attack crap is over blown by the ambulance chaser lawyers. NO MATTER THE RISK...I AIN'T NEVER GOING BACK TO THE WAY I WAS BEFORE! Try to locate a Dr in area that does HRT stuff. I see a nurse practitioner who works for a lung Dr. Who does HRT on the side the FNP-C I go to works also at the hormone clinic. What insurance do you have, what state?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance. They don't cover nurse practitioners and MA's etc., only MD's. Our clinic won't bill it to the Dr and then pay the MA/NP etc. themselves, they refuse. I went through that bull**** already, insurance was gonna jack me with a full bill once because of it. (I was there to see my dr and he was on his way out to do an emergency c section so they sent me in to see his MA instead... she was great but then I got the bill. Ugh! That was months of fighting with the insurance company. They finally agreed to pay because of the circumstances but warned me they wouldn't do it again)
We are in WI but I think the insurance company is from another state... I'll have to check.

I had a talk with hubby the other night about giving himself injections and he says he's fine with it, but said his dr never offered that as an option. I'm hoping that once we find a urologist things will get better and his options will be better too. We have already started sorting through the list of urologists that our insurance will cover in this area, narrowed it down to 2. Come Monday we will be calling to find out if he will need a referral or not. I'm worried they will require one because I know our GP won't write one. He's a quack. He refused to write one for me when I asked to see an endocrinologist for my thyroid issues... all he said is that he could handle it and thus refused to write a referral to anyone. He matter of factly told me that as a GP he can "handle anything" so there's no need to send either of us anywhere else for any issue. We've been trying to find a new GP for over a year now but none of the others around here have been accepting new patients yet. I'm due to call again in a few wks for my monthly check. I have a list that I go through about every 4 - 6 wks and call until I find one accepting new patients. My gyno recommended 2 dr's for me when she heard about my issues with the GP but neither of the 2 she listed are covered. :-( 
I have come to absolutely hate insurance companies.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

sadeyes said:


> We have Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance. They don't cover nurse practitioners and MA's etc., only MD's. Our clinic won't bill it to the Dr and then pay the MA/NP etc. themselves, they refuse. I went through that bull**** already, insurance was gonna jack me with a full bill once because of it. (I was there to see my dr and he was on his way out to do an emergency c section so they sent me in to see his MA instead... she was great but then I got the bill. Ugh! That was months of fighting with the insurance company. They finally agreed to pay because of the circumstances but warned me they wouldn't do it again)
> We are in WI but I think the insurance company is from another state... I'll have to check.
> 
> . :-(
> I have come to absolutely hate insurance companies.


sadeyes -- I will share with you a little more about what did /does work for me. First, I have Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield Medicare supplement and they have treated my situation very fairly -- much, much better than another insurance company whose name starts with "H". 

Since we both are in Wisconsin, I will tell you that I see a very experienced urologist (Dr. Dan Williams) at UW Hospital/Clinic in *******. This doctor monitors my testosterone and estradiol very closely and will adjust my dosage to ensure my safety and keep the ambulance chasers away. 

UW has an excellent social service group and if you would talk to them before seeking medical service, I am sure that they will help you seek out a medical foundation to pay or at least help pay for medical services. Example: I was prescribed an antibiotic that the manufacture wanted $400 a pill. The social service folks spent hours working with this manufacture to get the cost reduced but to no avail. My point being that there are resources no only just at this hospital but with the state that will work to get financial help for you and your husband.

And lastly, You do not need a referral from a primary physician to see a specialized doctor at UW Hospital/Clinics. You can "self refer" and they will work with you to receive the medical care that you require. I know this for a fact as my primary made a referral to another hospital and I later decided to go to UW Hospital instead; they (UW) worked with me to get the appointment with the specialist that I wanted to see.

I know that this is long but I am sure that there are resources here in Wisconsin that could help you and your husband. I also know that there are FREE clinics that will not only see patients at no charge but also give out the first 90 days of free medicine. You have to seek them out --- the best to you!


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