# is he messing w/ my head ?



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

this is going to be a long post. ok, so my husband left me in sept but didn't move out of the house, he's living on the 3rd floor.. our 8 yr anniversary was in oct, 2 weeks after we split. he got really angry w/ me for not trying to do anything for our anniversary . i was just too hurt to do anything. fast foward to halloween. i went out by myself looking really good (he said i could go out whenever i wanted and he'd watch our daughter ). he stayed up waiting for me. i got home after 2 am. he said he was really bothered by me going out looking the way i did (nothing ****ty. body parts were covered bbut still sexy), and he still had feelings for me. fast foward 2 weeks to my 30th birthday . the weekend before, he took me, my brother, and his wife out to dinner and to get drunk. the day of my birthday he said a quick happy birthday and that was it. he knew i was upset and he told me i shouldn't be coz he had already taken me out. fast foward to thanksgiving . he's drunk and was trying to pick fights w/ everyone. i tried walking away coz there's no point argueing w/ a drunk person. he cornered me and said very hurtful things. he said i should go out and have sex w/ a random guy, he hated me for making him the way he is, and he wasted his life w/ me. he didn't remember what he said. while crying hystericly, i told him what he said and that it destroyed me. he hugged me and said he didn't mean it and he couldn't remember saying it. that's my backstory he's spent every fri night (except halloween and black fri) and a couple of entire including this weekend at my brother's house (they're best friends. my brother won't choose sides). he's talked to my husband about us a few times. my brother told me by the way my husband talks, he doesn't want to leave. but my husband has started giving me a lot of attitude and my brother's noticed and really doesn't like it. all the problems my husband said he has w/ me i've been working on. everyone sees i've changed but he doesn't believe me. i've asked him what he wanted from me. he said he doesn't want anything. hee would ask me what i wanted to say. i asked him what did he want me to say coz nothing i've said before worked. i'm not a mind reader. i don't know what he wants and he won't tell me. he said he wants me to try to get him back. i try to talk to him about us and our conversations are pretty much 1 sided. i asked him out a couple of times and he said it wasn't a good idea. when we talk about everyday things and we're out w/ my brother and his wife, we get along great. christmas is now coming and i'm beyond depressed. i bought him a christmas present 2 months ago (he mentioned he wanted a certain dvd player and i got it). he doesn't know i picked it up. now he's saying he mght want a blue ray player. there's no way i can save enough money to get it. so now i don't know if he'll like the player i got him or if he'll even like that i did get him something. going by how my birthday went, i highly doubt he'll get me anything. i'm not expecting anything from him but i want to give him hiis present. hopefully it'll show him i am trying. i don't understand him. if he doesn't want to be / me, why is he still in the house? his excuses are lame, no place to go and he won't see our daughter everyday. he's got places to go and he works 2 blocks away from our house so he can see her every day after work. how can he say he still has feelings for me but then treat me like crap? his mom died last week and he said he's not upset about it coz he wasn't close to her and didn't know her very well. coz of his relationship w/ his mom, he doesn't understand why i'm always trying to help out my mom financially (that's 1 of his roblems w/ me. he thinks i always put her 1st) i want to know what's going on in his head, but he won't tell me. all he says is he's just not in love w/ me anymore. any theories on what he's thinking? i want to know how to get him back. how do i get him to fall in love w me again?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First what has he asked that you change?

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

1 wanted me to show him i cared- i thought i did do that. i was always hugging and kissing him, telling him i loved him. i would always go out to get him lunch or coffee. i thought i was encouraging him to do things he wanted to. he thought i was just saying yes to anything, even if it was crazy or stupid, to get him off my back. i guess it was just me but i didn't think he wanted to do something stupid. what's stupid about wanting to get a motorcycle or getting a pilot's liscence? how can i show him i care now when he doesn't want me to do anythng that i was doing 2 be a better housekeeper or working more hours. i have heart problems and am tired all the time. he saw it as being lazy and used my problems as an excuse. i can't rule out laziness, but i didn't think, or realize i guess, that i was that bad . i'm now working almost double the hours (w/ no extra pay. i can thank our screwed up economy for that. damn commission job) and am cleaning almost all the time (i feel guilty if i'm not cleaning now). i'm beyond tired and don't sleep at night (lovely depression). but i keep pushing myself. 3 my parents- they couldn't make it on their own so we all moved in together and they took over. a bad business deal to help my parents w/ money wound up me wing th IRS over $3,000. i just didn't want them livving their last yrs in a trailor like my grandarents did. my father has since passed away, my mother's having a hard time, and i find myself snapping at her all the time


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well to bad that your husband doesn't understand your limitations. I am disabled from Muscular Dystrophy, and I know how people don't understand. I adopted a new ideal of cleaning working smarter not harder (the last one I can't do anyways.) But everytime I have to go from point a to b in my house I am picking up. My wife only cleans 1-4 times a month and at that only about half that needs to get done, we have four kids too, so I know what it is like to keep the house clean. 

I am sure the stress you are under isn't good for your heart or your mother. Now is the time in her life you should be telling her all the ways you love her.

As far as showing that you love him I think it is a communication issue. You hear what he is saying without listening to what is being said. If my wife did that I might feel hurt too.

It also sounds like your husband is depressed and turning to alcohol to fillin the gaps. He is on a bad slide there. How often does he drink?

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

he drinks every weekend now. everyone except him sees something's up w/ him. mid-life crisis maybe? can you have 1 of those when you're about to turn 30? i truly think he needs some type of therapy, but he thinks he's fine. all i know is we''re both miserable. he stays in his room and watches movies (he's seen every movie that's been released on dvd in the past 6 months) and i sit in my room crying while watching reruns of roseanne and everybody loves raymond. i'm amazed i'm able to hold up so well in front of our daughter


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think it is time that you have some no pressure conversations with him and find out what he means by everything. Let him know you flunked mind reading class. 

People that shut themselves in their rooms do so out of depression, men are considered weak if they can't handle it on there own. But I think he is trying to just get by each day. He has no vision of the future and a clouded version of the past, but you need to see things through his eyes.

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i would love to have a no pressure conversation. how does 1 do that w/ all the tension that's around? i don't think he knows what he means or wants. that's probably why he hasn't moved out. and i would love to help him find out what he wants out of life. i tried once and he thought i gave him an ultimatum. again i think that was coz i don't know how to have a no pressure convo.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Look back over this blog, I have asked leading questions to get the conversation so I understand but you are in complete control of it. Always use the I.

I want to know how you feel etc. When people use "you" it tends to MAKE others feel the need to be defensive. Steer the conversation but let him talk and listen to him. If you must record a conversation you have with anyone and study how many others might take it, there is a whole different person when someone looks from the outside at themselves. Then imagine there is a tape recording when talking to your husband. It makes a person double take on what they say and how they react. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...s-relationship-work-part-1-communication.html

hope this helps

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

been there, done that w/ him. he just won't talk. in the past it got to the point where he said if i don't stop annoying him, he will leave. i don't want to push him, but i want him to open up. it's not that he doesn't know how, he opens up to everyone but me. i'm not his enemy, but sometimes it feels like he's treating me as 1 and he doesn't realize it. i truly feel that if he gets out of whatever funk he's in, we'll be okay , but he's just in complete denial. should i try another intervention (had an improptu 1 months ago. his brother tried getting through to him, but it didn't work)? how do you convince someone they have a problem (if there is a problem)


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe the problem is you are looking for a problem in HIM. Maybe you should look for a way to communicate instead.

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i would agree w/ that if i was the only 1 who thought there was a problem, but i'm not. everyone we know is asking me what's wrong w/ him. i'm not influencing them into thinking that, in fact i hardly talk to 1/2 these people. they come to me and i don't know what to tell them coz i know he wouldn't appreciate me telling them things. i wish there is no problem w/ him. then i would know it was all me. i know i have problems and i'm trying to fix what's wrong w/ me


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Every relationship has two sides. When my first marriage ended everyone blamed my exwife because she cheated on me with a friend of mine. Which was true but the fact is I didn't listen to what she was saying even though I hear every word of it. So even though you might not be all to blame neither is he, although it might be a 90/10 thing there is always room for improvement.

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

i'm pretty sure i'm done w/ him. i'm still in love w/ him but i can't take it anymore. he's now blaming me for things that i have no control over. HE got speeding ticket that was $225. MY paycheck paid his fine. i work on commission, i'm a hair stylist, i work 4 hrs shy of full time. my check was $235 for 2 weeks worth of work. i can't help that no customers are coming in or that the few that do don't want to spend money. i told him how slow it was (all the salons in the area are slow) and i was thinking about getting 2nd job but he said i souldn't. now he's blaming me that we're broke. we've got our car insurance due w/ his next paycheck. his brther's car is on our policy and we're not getting his share and my husband won't take the car off. my husband's car payment was due a couple of days ago(he always pays w/in the grace period), but instead of just making the pyment, he went to my brother's house for the weekend and spent over $200, mainly t a bar & grill. so now his car payment will be paid w/ his next check also. after the bills are paid, we'll havw maybe $300 for christmas shopping and food and gas and cigarrettes for him. oh and he wants to go out again this saturday after his mother's memorial service. so now we're beyond broke coz my check was crap and according to him, it's all my fault . i realy can't tae anymore. i'm on anxiety pills so i can sleep, my hair is falling out, i have panic attacks, i start crying hysterically out of nowhere, and now i started spotting due to all the stress i'm under. he needs to go, but i don't want him to. i love him and i can't afford financially to be on my own. i'll have to go on welfare (even w/ alimony and child support). i was on welfare when i was a child and i promised myself i would never do that to my child. i basically screwed now and i can't handle it


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe a seperation would be good to put things into perspective.

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

we are seperated. he just won't leave the house. his reasoning is coz i can't suppport myself and our daughter. i understand his point, but i'm not useless. i would've found a way to work things out. we talked last night and what he wants is for me to be the person i was when we 1st got together, happy and carefree. i trieed telling him that i was never that way. i just didn'care whether i lived or died. that's why i didn't let things worry or scare me. i guess i'm starting to become my old self again coz i'm getting back to not caring anymore. he flat out asked me if i was suicidal now. i told him not this time. he knows for a while before i met him i was. i pulled myself out of that funk before so i'm not in any danger of hurtting myself, so don't worry. now thinking about it, i was happy back then. no worries, no responsibilities, my heealth problems weren't that bad (they're back under control, so i don't have to worry so much). minus the responsibility part, i think i am going back to that, he just doesn't see it. i guess it's a matter of too little too late


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I think he still loves you and wants to be with you, but he just doesn't know how to connect.

I think you should stop going out alone. I think you should have date nights with your hubby and dress sexy for him.

I would work on getting your parents out of the house and ask them to pay back the IRS bill when they ahve money.

Maybe you can hire a cleaning service for 1 time a month or once every 2 weeks.

but allot going on here, you both need to work on your relationship. I think you need to rekindle the marriage by going on some special dates.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

the problem w/ a date night is he won't go out w/ me. i asked him out a few times and he said no


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you communicated how important it is for you to continue the wooing?

I have never stopped wooing my wife.

draconis


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It sounds to me like he's trying to drive you away. His actions are very immature. 

So, the question is, what do you want from all of this? Decide and go for it.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Has he always been like this?

He sounds plain emotionally abusive to me. Not everyone who's emotionally abusive calls nasty names and stuff (though he did do that to you when he was drunk), but they can just mess with your head all the time. Make you feel less than, make you feel inferior, make you feel like you just aren't good enough, or trying hard enough or cleaning enough, or taking good enough care of them or pretty enough or whatever.

They just make you feel bad about you all the time and chip away at your self-esteem and your sense of worth. 

I'm not there, so I don't know if you truly have behaved in a way that disregards him. But, based on your side of the story and how plain old confused you are about what's going on and what he wants from you, sounds to me like he's just an emotional abuser.

Kick his ass out of the house and be done with all that, is my advice.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

just so everyone knows, he hasn't always been this way. this behavoir of his has literally just been these past 3 months. he really is a great guy and the best father you could ever wish for your child. he's just going through something that i can't help him w/. i've come to the realization that i have to let him go. we've been together since we were teenagers. we didn't get a chance to go through our partying 20 somethings. we went from teens to married to parents w/in 4 yrs. too much responsibility at too young an age. after the holidays i'll find a better paying job w/ benefits so he can take me off his. then i'll find a new place to live (my brother wants my mom to live w/ them), he said he would give me $1300 a month in child support and to help me out (that's a lot of money where we live. i don't make that much in a month, hence getting a new job). after some time apart, if he wants to come back, i'll welcome him back w/ open arms. if he doesn't, well that's life. we're each other's 1st and only loves so far. i can't think of anything else i can do to help him anymore, but i do need to take care of myself and our daughter, and i can't take care of her if i'm all messed up. sorry about all the typos in my messages, i'm typing on a little inernet tablet and it's not very easy


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

ok, so this saturday is my job's christmas party. the husband knows and is watching our daughter . i actually really don't want to go.. i'm just not up for any festive yuletide cheer. but if i don't go, he'll be really pissed off at me and complain how i'm moping around. i don't want to fight w/ him. he does want me to go out and have fun, but i'm just not feeling it this year . if i had my way, i would cancel christmas all together . i'm not sure what to do. i just want to be happy , but i doubt a party will cheer me up. i forgot, another reason i don't want to go is everyone will be bringing a guest except me. i don't have any family or friend to bring coz they have their parties that night too.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

my husband said something to me last night and now it's starting to bother me. i won't get into details on how this came to be, but he flat out said my family is effed up. yes, my family has gone through hell and has messed us up a bit, but no matter what, we stick together. his family however is way more messed up than mine. they haven't gone through 1/2 the hell we weent through, and for them it's always been if it gets to hard or if they don't feel like it anymore,, they bail. (hence my husband's logic about us). he's even admitted that's his family's way. he hates his family and said he never wants to be like them, yet he's acting like them. i understand this is how he was raised and it's what he knows, but it still bothers me that he thinks my family's worse than his


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

so today he gave me 1 of my christmas presents early . i had told him after christmas i was going to use my upgrade and get a new phone . he went out and got me 1. granted it was free w/ renewing my contact , but it was 1 of the phones i was considering and he didn't have to do it. i don't want to read too much into it, but in the back of my mind i can't help but wonder why he would do it. he even came to my job to give me the phone . even the people i work w/ are confused by his actions


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