# I don't feel like I can communicate freely with my wife



## dazed794 (Aug 31, 2014)

For example, this week at work has been quite stressful for me. There's a good chance I will have to work some this weekend to meet a deadline. I feel like I should be able to mention this, but if I do it will upset her and wreck the evening. I don't even want to mention how stressful it has been. If I do I will hear about how stressful it is to watch our kids and that I should feel lucky to get a break. Yes, I understand her days can be stressful too but I don't want to bring it up. She does not enjoy being a stay at home mom but does it because she doesn't want anyone else raising our young kids. So I'm holding the work situation in for now and hoping everything gets done tomorrow. Also for example, any mention of politics, religion, philosophy, and many areas of science are off-limits. I am very libertarian and free thinking, however she goes along with whatever is said by her parents or church friends (who all get their info from Facebook and Fox News). Bringing up these topics ends with her thinking I am crazy and/or wrong. To be honest I think that about many of her opinions too but I don't say it. So, I don't talk about it because I don't want to feel unaccepted, and she doesn't talk about it because she would rather not know what I really think. I feel like there is a whole side to me that she knows nothing about (well really there is). We can generally communicate well on other things, even on other conflicts if it is something that can be resolved. Our conversations are typically just small talk though and never get that deep.

Anyone else been in this situation?

Edit: A third example. I have recently discovered Reddit and found it to be a good way to learn and have stimulating discussion on things that interest me. I'm not into the typical guy things like football so I find it hard to find people with mutual interests in real life. I have not told my wife about the website because I know it will be met with a "You're spending time talking to people you don't know on the internet? That's dumb. You should spend more time making real friends." Of course she has a list of guys for me to be friends with (husbands of her girlfriends) but I have nothing in common with them.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I can relate. 

I stopped complaining about work. The truth is, nobody wants to hear it. Actually, I stopped complaining about everything (except on this board). 

It's easier this way. 

For conversation, I just let her talk. If she says nothing we don't really talk. I'm trying to just get used to sitting there and not talking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Dazed, that's crazy! You must feel really unloved to be attacked for expressing yourself. Was it like this when you got together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dazed794 (Aug 31, 2014)

Yes, we got married too quickly without knowing each other well enough or even discussing our expectations of marriage. Needless to say we have been through lots of conflict. This is one thing that still bothers me though. She has gotten better about not verbally expressing disapproval but I can still see it in her face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

dazed794 said:


> *Yes, we got married too quickly without knowing each other well enough or even discussing our expectations of marriage. *Needless to say we have been through lots of conflict. This is one thing that still bothers me though. She has gotten better about not verbally expressing disapproval but I can still see it in her face.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marry in haste, repent at leisure. But really, no one knows everything about their partner, ever.

Do not neglect your work, as it is a long term priority. But try to listen patiently and empathetically to your wife when she complains. She surely appreciates your listening ear.

I am sorry you do not feel you can freely express your opinions. I hope you can find a way to change that. She is missing out on getting to know you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It does sound like you married without getting to know who she was. If you want a change you Will have to sit down and explain how you feel about everything and demand change. Change will likely not come if this this is just the way she is but before divorcing you have to give a try to make the change I think.

I feel for you. In my personal life I have also come across this often as well.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

dazed794 said:


> Edit: A third example. I have recently discovered Reddit and found it to be a good way to learn and have stimulating discussion on things that interest me. I'm not into the typical guy things like football so I find it hard to find people with mutual interests in real life. I have not told my wife about the website because I know it will be met with a "You're spending time talking to people you don't know on the internet? That's dumb. You should spend more time making real friends." Of course she has a list of guys for me to be friends with (husbands of her girlfriends) but I have nothing in common with them.


I also relate to this.

I really don't understand the obsessive sports fan thing. I can watch a game here and there and find it entertaining, but I would much rather do other things (like actually doing a sport instead of watching, for example). 

I think there are more men out there than it seems who are like this, but you get the impression that all guys are raving football maniacs.

My wife is also always saying, "ooh, we should be friends with this couple." It just seems so artificial to me. You're only there because the women wanted to meet up. The men just go along. It's like you're a couple of caddies or something.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> I also relate to this.
> 
> I really don't understand the obsessive sports fan thing. I can watch a game here and there and find it entertaining, but I would much rather do other things (like actually doing a sport instead of watching, for example).
> 
> I think there are more men out there than it seems who are like this, but you get the impression that all guys are raving football maniacs.


Just want to third this, I watched one football game all season, will probably watch the super bowl, that's about it. I do watch NBA more often, partly because it's on at night when my kid is asleep, but I hate sitting on my ass for hours watching football on a perfectly good weekend when I could be out doing something with my family.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

In re the OP, putting aside any compatibility issues you guys might have, it sounds like for some reason your wife is having a hard time finding room in her heart for your difficulties. It sounds like she feels burdened and resentful. I don't know her, so I can only tell so much from what you say. On one hand, it's a little unreasonable to simultaneously say you hate being a stay-at-home mom and insist on being a stay-at-home mom. On the other hand, many first-time moms have a very hard time adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom, no matter how important it is to them, so it's good to be sympathetic about that. Maybe if she feels more sympathy from you she will also feel more able to sympathize with you.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

She sounds like she has mom guilt. She likely feels that she "should" be a SAHM but she misses working. 

Does she get out of the house by herself? 
How often do you two have date nights? 
How much of the household chores do you do? 
What did she do before becoming a SAHM?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

This is one of the reasons why I think women need to stop trying to be super mom & accept their limitations. I know for a fact I will not make a good SAHM, I realized that in the 3 months I was on maternity leave with my daughter.

Dazed,

How old are your children? Can your wife get a part time job & put the kids in daycare part time? I think your wife needs to see the world around her more. She seems to have encapsulated herself in a small world of kids, church, her parents, & TV. That can be very stifling, especially for someone who doesn't even enjoy staying home all day with the kids. I think it's time she bites the bullet and expands her world a little bit by getting a part time job.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

dazed794 said:


> For example, this week at work has been quite stressful for me. There's a good chance I will have to work some this weekend to meet a deadline. I feel like I should be able to mention this, but if I do it will upset her and wreck the evening. I don't even want to mention how stressful it has been. If I do I will hear about how stressful it is to watch our kids and that I should feel lucky to get a break. Yes, I understand her days can be stressful too but I don't want to bring it up. She does not enjoy being a stay at home mom but does it because she doesn't want anyone else raising our young kids. So I'm holding the work situation in for now and hoping everything gets done tomorrow. *Also for example, any mention of politics, religion, philosophy, and many areas of science are off-limits. I am very libertarian and free thinking, however she goes along with whatever is said by her parents or church friends (who all get their info from Facebook and Fox News). Bringing up these topics ends with her thinking I am crazy and/or wrong.* To be honest I think that about many of her opinions too but I don't say it. So, I don't talk about it because I don't want to feel unaccepted, and she doesn't talk about it because she would rather not know what I really think. I feel like there is a whole side to me that she knows nothing about (well really there is). We can generally communicate well on other things, even on other conflicts if it is something that can be resolved. Our conversations are typically just small talk though and never get that deep.
> 
> Anyone else been in this situation?
> 
> Edit: A third example. I have recently discovered Reddit and found it to be a good way to learn and have stimulating discussion on things that interest me. I'm not into the typical guy things like football so I find it hard to find people with mutual interests in real life. I have not told my wife about the website because I know it will be met with a "You're spending time talking to people you don't know on the internet? That's dumb. You should spend more time making real friends." Of course she has a list of guys for me to be friends with (husbands of her girlfriends) but I have nothing in common with them.


Her dismissal is *disrespectful*, and you are walking on eggshells. You teach people how to treat you. At the moment, you are teaching her to be disrespectful. Will you allow it to continue?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

dazed794 said:


> For example, this week at work has been quite stressful for me. There's a good chance I will have to work some this weekend to meet a deadline. I feel like I should be able to mention this, but if I do it will upset her and wreck the evening.


It seems like you have a fear of her reaction. This is your problem. It's as big of a deal or as small of a deal as YOU make it.

How about you tell her and regardless of her reaction you just keep it cool and do what you have to do?

Better yet, why are you even considering working? Deadlines? Come on now, we all know these are "things" pulled our of upper management/client asses to get people to do things MORE and FASTER.

Pfffffttt

Willing to bet deadlines are not even realistic or based on actual requirements. Just some BS some up top ahole came up with without ANY consideration.

Are you getting paid over time? OR is this just slave labor? 

This is probably your primary issue before your wife.....



dazed794 said:


> I don't even want to mention how stressful it has been. If I do I will hear about how stressful it is to watch our kids and that I should feel lucky to get a break.


And you need to be able to relate and accept that YOUR job is NOTHING compare to what your wife does at home (assuming she does a good job).

NOTHING I have EVER done at my job has ever even come close to HELL my wife had to deal with on regular basis with kids.

Recognize/accept this. Heck use it to make you more stress free at work. Think about it, you have it good. 

Your wife's job is 24/7......your is not. I'm sure at times it might not seem like her job is harder, and there are days that it's not......the thing is, it's the pressure of TIME. Imagine 24/7 job FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME. No weekends and no breaks. The pressure of time and constant help/assistance amongst other duties is just crazy. 

Not even a contest. 

Unless you work in a mine of South America or some shiiiit, your work stress/problems are PEKSY/1st world problems to your wife. It's just silly.



dazed794 said:


> Yes, I understand her days can be stressful too but I don't want to bring it up. She does not enjoy being a stay at home mom but does it because she doesn't want anyone else raising our young kids.



Smart if you ask me. Go ahead and get a job at daycare and see for yourself what kind of people they employ (minimum wage) and most importantly HOW THEY TREAT THEM (careless, abusive etc).

My wife was just like yours and THANK GOD. What she has seen at daycare was simply appalling (to say the least).

Besides, what is the point of having kids/parenting if you are NOT going to actually raise them? 

Your wife is doing the right thing for your kids and family. Accept this, it's a FACT.

And BTW, it is PRICELESS (time vested into your children). You don't even know how important this is for your kids.

You cannot put a price on that. Your wife might not make any money, but if this world was fair and there was a value put on what she does....it would be 10x more than what you make.



dazed794 said:


> So I'm holding the work situation in for now and hoping everything gets done tomorrow. Also for example, any mention of politics, religion, philosophy, and many areas of science are off-limits. I am very libertarian and free thinking, however she goes along with whatever is said by her parents or church friends (who all get their info from Facebook and Fox News). Bringing up these topics ends with her thinking I am crazy and/or wrong. To be honest I think that about many of her opinions too but I don't say it. So, I don't talk about it because I don't want to feel unaccepted, and she doesn't talk about it because she would rather not know what I really think. I feel like there is a whole side to me that she knows nothing about (well really there is). We can generally communicate well on other things, even on other conflicts if it is something that can be resolved. Our conversations are typically just small talk though and never get that deep.
> 
> Anyone else been in this situation?
> 
> Edit: A third example. I have recently discovered Reddit and found it to be a good way to learn and have stimulating discussion on things that interest me. I'm not into the typical guy things like football so I find it hard to find people with mutual interests in real life. I have not told my wife about the website because I know it will be met with a "You're spending time talking to people you don't know on the internet? That's dumb. You should spend more time making real friends." Of course she has a list of guys for me to be friends with (husbands of her girlfriends) but I have nothing in common with them.


You sound like you have no balls.

You should be able to talk to your wife about ANYTHING. And regardless of how she feels, you should be abel to express how you feel and just accept your differences.

The reason why your wife has a list of friends for you are most likely because you have a long history of ****ty/unhealthy friends. That's just my guess and probably a pretty safe one since I've been in your shoes for almost 2 decades now.

So answer this question. Are ANY of your friends in a healthy relationship and ARE friends of YOUR marriage? Do they add value to your life?

No to any of the above and you don't have ANY REAL or good friends.



And yes, I'm a man.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> This is one of the reasons why I think women need to stop trying to be super mom & accept their limitations. I know for a fact I will not make a good SAHM, I realized that in the 3 months I was on maternity leave with my daughter.


The best mother to EVER live on this planet....felt the way you do, I guarantee it.

Regardless, YOUNG children especially NEED their moms to raise them. This is a very crucial time in babies life and where connections are deeply seeded.

It's one of those things that is hard to define, but scientist have discovered that lack of connection with mom's during such a young age does LIFETIME of damage. I believe the studies were done in orphanages around the world and the results were pretty shocking.

I encourage ANY mother OR father to spend as much time with their babies up to 5 years old. Just be there. I know the kid will never remember ANY of it and results are hard to define....but it's important.

BUT at the same time, my mother wasn't around me when I was an infant and up to 5 years old.....and I turned out just fine......to an extent....I'm ****ed up in my own ways for sure.....

Personally, what is the point of having kids if you are not going to raise them? 

And don't even get me started on daycare....people they employ (minimum wage) and treatment/abuse within those places......


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

OK, It does sound like your wife is unhappy and any conversation with you brings up her resentment. 

There's another thread here where the H finally sat down and took the lead in a conversation with his wife about why she's been ignoring him, and it turned out she was stressed to the max about money. Here he was thinking their marriage was over, and once they sat down and talked, it was better again. 

t does sound like you are just withdrawing to avoid you and your W's habitual responses, so you need to develop new responses. It won't help you long term to just avoid, you need to deal with this situation. People here recommend a book, the Married Mans Sex Life Primer or something like that as a guide. 

I think you need to come back into this relationship and start steering the ship where you want it to go.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> The best mother to EVER live on this planet....felt the way you do, I guarantee it.
> 
> Regardless, YOUNG children especially NEED their moms to raise them. This is a very crucial time in babies life and where connections are deeply seeded.
> 
> ...


I can accept what you are saying. I don't totally agree, but it's definitely one way to look at it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Comparing having a working mother to being in an orphanage is hysterical and absurd.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

DoF -

My children are in daycare. They come home happy, clean, and well-fed, and teach me the new songs and games they learned from their teachers and friends. The teachers are kind, patient, and well informed. 

If the daycares in your area are really like you say, perhaps you should call some authorities to check out the abuse allegations. That is not normal or acceptable.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

that.girl said:


> DoF -
> 
> My children are in daycare. They come home happy, clean, and well-fed, and teach me the new songs and games they learned from their teachers and friends. The teachers are kind, patient, and well informed.
> 
> If the daycares in your area are really like you say, perhaps you should call some authorities to check out the abuse allegations. That is not normal or acceptable.


Agree with this. Also, do your research, visit multiple daycares/preschools, talk to a lot of parents. They are not all the same! We almost had our daughter enrolled in the cheaper/more convenient one, when we found out that there were all kinds of problems, including no dedicated teacher assigned to her class (they were just going to shuffle people around!) So at the very last minute we scrambled to get her into a better one, even though it was slightly more expensive and a little further away. But we visited and met teachers and got a great feeling, and our daughter loves it there. She loves her teacher and comes home happy. She gets lots of love from us and is not disconnected at all.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Lila said:


> DoF would you care to cite the studies where you learned that working mothers cause a lifetime of damage to their children?


Here you go, you can dig deeper on google if you would like

Orphans' Lonely Beginnings Reveal How Parents Shape A Child's Brain : Shots - Health News : NPR

My mom was a working mother and I have issues they discuss in that article FOR SURE.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Agree with this. Also, do your research, visit multiple daycares/preschools, talk to a lot of parents. They are not all the same! We almost had our daughter enrolled in the cheaper/more convenient one, when we found out that there were all kinds of problems, including no dedicated teacher assigned to her class (they were just going to shuffle people around!) So at the very last minute we scrambled to get her into a better one, even though it was slightly more expensive and a little further away. But we visited and met teachers and got a great feeling, and our daughter loves it there. She loves her teacher and comes home happy. She gets lots of love from us and is not disconnected at all.


Not disagreeing with above, I'm SURE there are many great daycare places.

And yes, EVERYONE that is getting money from you will be nice.

Go ahead and look up daycare salaries in your area.....most are little above minimum wage.

How much can they possibly CARE.

PS. Where my wife worked was the most reputable/best daycare place in the state!!! And yes, care takers were nice to parents......but the second they left out the door, what she has seen was pretty bad. Management was aware of it too, but there is nothing they can do about it/they don't fire people because how hard it is to find ANYONE willing to do the job for so little money.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Here you go, you can dig deeper on google if you would like
> 
> Orphans' Lonely Beginnings Reveal How Parents Shape A Child's Brain : Shots - Health News : NPR
> 
> My mom was a working mother and I have issues they discuss in that article FOR SURE.


Daycare is not an orphanage.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> Not disagreeing with above, I'm SURE there are many great daycare places.
> 
> And yes, EVERYONE that is getting money from you will be nice.
> 
> ...


DoF,

If your wife worked in a daycare that was _that_ bad, why didn't she report it to the proper authorities? By not reporting, she was part of the problem & enabled it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Lila said:


> I'm interested in any studies that show the negative effects working mothers have on their children, not the negative effects of of neglect in the orphanages of Romania.
> 
> Me too, I want to see an actual study that does not involve children that were raised in an orphanage in Romania.
> 
> I'm sorry that your mother neglected you to the level illustrated in this article, however IME, working mothers provide attention, affection, and stimulation to their children. They do not neglect them.


:iagree:

Yes we do!! My daughter gets plenty of attention when we are together at home. Every evening we play tea party before bed, on the weekends we work on her "homework book", we bake cookies...you name it! To say that my daughter is going to be messed up emotionally simply because I work full time is a crock of $hit.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Lila said:


> I'm sorry that your mother neglected you to the level illustrated in this article, however IME, working mothers provide attention, affection, and stimulation to their children. They do not neglect them.


She didn't, she neglected me by working (too much) and not being around (investing time).

I know working mothers can provide all of that, but the truth is.......it's hard to find time to do that (between 8 hours+ of work, getting home/cooking/cleaning/marriage).

I simply struggle to see how one would find time to give a child attention they need. 

I have been doing what you are doing for 16+ years, and no, I don't feel it's enough (mind you I was there EVERY DAY after work, 4:15 on the dot).

Thankfully we jeopardized a lot for my wife to be there for them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yes we do!! My daughter gets plenty of attention when we are together at home. Every evening we play tea party before bed, on the weekends we work on her "homework book", we bake cookies...you name it! To say that my daughter is going to be messed up emotionally simply because I work full time is a crock of $hit.


I didn't say that, you are taking my words to the extreme.

Look, you investing an hour a night vs being there 12 hours a day WITH them is a HUGE difference.

Do you agree? 

If you think above has 0 effect on your child development......I think you would be wrong.

Will be be SEVERE and your kid will be damaged for life? not at all, but having a mother there 24/7 in the early stages of childhood is important and crucial. The more the better IMO.

I'm not trying to make "working mothers" bad people here.....heck, I AM that person (just a father). 

It comes down to "time investment". It's no different than not being around your love one in a relationship (or being there 1 hour a day) vs being there 3-4 hours a day.

That can EASILY make or break a relationship IMO. 

Time investment is IMPORTANT, that's all I'm trying to say.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> I didn't say that, you are taking my words to the extreme.
> 
> Look, you investing an hour a night vs being there 12 hours a day WITH them is a HUGE difference.
> 
> ...


Investing time with your child is definitely important, I certainly agree with you on that. Which is why I make it a point to play tea party with my daughter EVERY evening even though I have a kitchen to clean. The kitchen can wait, tea parties are way more fun than cleaning a kitchen anyways!

ETA: I never work over time, I never stay at work late, & I never work on weekends....because my daughter needs me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Investing time with your child is definitely important, I certainly agree with you on that. Which is why I make it a point to play tea party with my daughter EVERY evening even though I have a kitchen to clean. The kitchen can wait, tea parties are way more fun than cleaning a kitchen anyways!
> 
> ETA: I never work over time, I never stay at work late, & I never work on weekends....because my daughter needs me.


Glad you do, it all sounds great.

I didn't mean to come down on "working parents" at all....like I said, I am one so....I'm sorry if I did


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> Glad you do, it all sounds great.
> 
> I didn't mean to come down on "working parents" at all....like I said, I am one so....I'm sorry if I did


It's all good, DoF...I don't think you were attacking my parenting personally. I think that you did make some blanket statements about working moms that were not all the way accurate. I understand that your bottom line is making sure you get quality time with your kids - and that certainly is important.

It's hard being a working parent & for the most part it is a necessary evil for almost everyone. I am the breadwinner in my household, my husband's income can not pay all the bills. I work out of necessity but I also work because I recognize that I am not SAHM material. I'm OK with that. I still have a lot of respect for SAHMs too.

At the end of the day, I do my best to meet my daughter's needs. Do I have mommy guilt? Yes I do. Do I wish my house was more spotless? Yes I do. But like I said earlier....cleaning can wait, I'll attend my 3 year old's tea party instead. :smthumbup:


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Lila said:


> *Believe me, as a working mother with only one child, I've wrestled with mommy guilt, however, one thing I do not worry about is the emotional health of my child. I go to bed every night knowing that I've given it 100% and that I have done everything in my power to raise a happy child. *
> 
> Women can choose to stay home or not. As long as the end result is happy well adjusted children with relatively happy parents, who cares what path they take. It's all a wash in my book.


 Spot on, Lila!!!! :iagree:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Lila said:


> That's the reason why it's so important for fathers to play an active role in raising their children. The study that I quoted specifically mentions this:
> 
> "In two-parent families, the fathers take on a larger share of the household tasks and child care and this seems to have benefits for the children."
> 
> ...


Not disagreeing with any of that, sure

I believe my post came off a bit offensive and there are some communication gaps (probably on my side).

I didn't mean it that way, and sorry if it came off that way.


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