# Resistance to EA/PAs



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just curious really, has anyone noticed a reduction to resistance ability when it comes to EAs or PAs during marital 'disagreements' or lingering annoyances?

The missus and I are 'fine' if you know what I mean - she's decided to keep annoying me while still putting up her smiling face as if nothing is troubling her. Don't want to talk about it, fine, accuse me of starting crap over nothing, fine...

Now normally I'm quite set in my ways, I see another woman and go 'meh', and I do try to be loyal as I've already cheated on the missus years ago before marriage when we were just bf/gf due to similar reasons. However in times like this...

Resistance fails, I start being attracted to other women, sometimes even infactuated for a few hours depending on the woman, where when I see the missus its like 'meh'. Then the next day I get over it.

Ironically however, my past cheating experience has 'hardened' me up in a manner - as at this stage before in the past I would normally start flirting (And then starts the EA and then... PA). Still, I don't like it, makes me feel weak. How to build up resistance during times like this? How to maintain patience with the missus? How do I control my attraction and not just my mind and decisions?

I still remember the EA/PA I had years ago, even after the heartache of losing the missus over it, watching her cry heart out... a part of me sickenly said to myself "Oh well, at least now you can bang ---- as you see fit! How awesome is that!"

I don't want to even get close to that happening again, and it sickens me sometimes even thinking about it yet the attraction is always bugging you. What do I do? The missus has a lot of great qualities and hell, I love her, but during the hard times... bah!


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Everyone has to face temptation in their life. That's what wedding vows are for, to remind us that we made a commitment to another person freely and intentionally. When resistance starts failing you need to remember your vows and dedication to your wife. If you want to go out and play the field there's an easy solution for that called divorce.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So you decide to flirt with other women when your wife pisses you off? That's a poor coping mechanism. It seems you have self esteem issues, that you need validation from other women to assuage your ego when you have a normal marital spat with your wife. I think this makes you vulnerable to cheating sooner or later. Perhaps you need to seek individual counseling for your issues.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get a life Random. How would you feel if your wife took that attitude and screwed every guy that came by after one of your ****ty attitudes towards her?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

BigToe said:


> Everyone has to face temptation in their life. That's what wedding vows are for, to remind us that we made a commitment to another person freely and intentionally. When resistance starts failing you need to remember your vows and dedication to your wife. If you want to go out and play the field there's an easy solution for that called divorce.


Fights with H make me crave peace, quiet and solitude!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's totally normal. Your body chemistry is programmed to become attracted to multiple women. Don't feel bad for being tempted.

Look at it this way. Your commitment to your wife is obviously strong because you resist temptation. How can you argue that you're committed if you've never been tempted to cheat?

Just retain that rational attitude that recognizes the temptation for what it is. Your brain trying to convince you to irrationally crush on some girl like you're 15 again. And remember that acting like you're 15 again can ruin your life and the lives of your family.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Bro, I was often hit-on by women. I actually went back to school for some classes to get my Masters(put on hold now), and these younger girls were really laying pretty thick. Especially when we would do group projects and have to exchange contact info. for these purposes... man do these chicks fish. The thing is- I knew I could have them if I wanted to, and that was enough of an ego boost for me. I didn't have to go any further. One girl even got a little miffed when I didn't return her attention. She called me conceited and too full of myself, "HELLO... I'm married remember... it wouldn't be appropriate." I don't know about you ladies, but many of us guys relate our self-worth with sexual prowess. I've always been pretty comfortable with my "attractiveness" towards the opposite sex. I don't need to go around flexing my muscles so I can get some attention. I have a quite confidence that I guess some women find as "mysterious," but its a natural vibe that I give off. I don't use it to pull anyone in- it just happens without me even realizing it. Once I start to feel uncomforable with it I immediately back-off, so I guess it might be interpreted as being somewhat conceited and snobbish. I just didn't want things to go too far because that's how things start- a little casual flirting here; a little touching there... then BAM!, before you know it you're in an affair. Forgive me, and I may be wrong, but I'm of the mind that people of the opposite sex can't remain JUST friends for too long before "it" happens- they can be aquaintances, but not friends.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for your replies...

Normally during the good times I'm very resistant to the point the missus is always on my mind, and even other attractive women just gets me in the mood more for her - for example, I spot someone with sexy legs, then I get in the mood for missus' sexy legs instead. But whenever she annoys me, I find this natural ability of mine fading.

During such times, If I meet up with someone attractive I start feeling the urge to flirt with her, to tease, to have fun with and sometimes I just end up flirting naturally without thinking, especially if we're comfortable with each other (I'm a natural flirt - which is a problem). Then after a while a slight infactuation starts kicking in, and the lust/desire lasts for a while. During such times - I find my desire for the missus fade until the next day - and that isn't a good thing.

I've held off so far, but I'm hoping there's a way to kill the desire and natural flirtation habit lest I start having to be continously self-concious all the time with my friends/aquaintances/etc whenever the missus decides to do a "torture hubby with silent treatment" thing.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think you resist EAs and PAs when you realize what they are about and why you engaged in them in the first place. EAs and PAs are less about your wife and more about YOU and how you feel about yourself. People who engage in cheating have not developed healthy coping skills and usually are looking for external validation to make themselves feel good (instead of relying on intrinsic self-esteem). It's an easy way out, but it leads nowhere because it's not based in reality.

I also think resistance comes when you realize that you cannot ever really obtain what you think you want to obtain through cheating - a sense of being okay, of life being perfect, and of having your self-esteem elevated through the mirroring that the affair partner gives you. The sad fact is that whatever an affair partner is mirroring is not based on what is real...it is fake. The affair partner will make the cheater feel like he/she is "all that"....because they are only seeing one tiny aspect of the cheater and so are really just projecting whatever wonderful characteristics on the other person that they wish they had. Anyone can appear "perfect" for a few hours a week, or through text, email or on the phone. Cheating is an elaborate fantasy where the people engaged in it pretend to be what they each wish they were. What is sad is when people buy into whatever crap they are manufacturing through their fantasy play.

When you realize that your self esteem is not really improved by cheating, you tend to not go there again. But lots of people never really recognize what the cheating was about and so they repeat it over and over again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No.
When things go badly in my marriage/relationship I have things I can count on to improve my self-esteem that do not involve running to another man's arms. Thank God for that. I hardly see how a third party relationship could possibly work in any positive way to improve my marriage. WTF?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Athol Kay had a pertinent blog post on this topic recently.
Married Man Sex Life: How To Purposely Fall Out Of Love As Quickly As Possible


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Athol Kay had a pertinent blog post on this topic recently.
> Married Man Sex Life: How To Purposely Fall Out Of Love As Quickly As Possible


This has some good advice. It always helps to try to critically view the other person and realize that they have issues.

An offense will provide a good defense. Find something adventurous/different to do with your wife. Rock climbing at a gym is fun. This will help make the dopeamine flow that will pull your feelings towards your wife. In addition good sex will enable the Oxytocin to reinforce the new bonds and demphasize the ones from others. That's why sex is some important for marriages. You need to actively seek to get that infatuation feeling from your wife and maintain it through intimacy.


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