# Giving up!



## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

I have been married for almost 9 years and have two kids with my husband. In the beginning, our relationship was good. We talked about everything, went out, had friends over all the time, and our sex life was great. After I had my first daughter, I suddenly felt abandoned and on my own. After I had my second daughter, I felt even worse. The reason for this is because he seems to have no patience for his own kids or me. Another reason is that he pays no attention to me unless he wants sex. He won't communicate with me, we never do anything together anymore, always forgets my birthday, never buys me gifts, spends little to no time with me, it feels like I'm a single mom living with a roommate and not a husband. When he's not working, he's laying on the couch watching tv or socializing with his friends. I have lost all emotional connections with him which makes sex something I avoid doing because I just don't feel the connection. Even when we do have sex, I can't wait to get it over with. I will be honest that this happens only once a month and now he is telling me that he will find someone else if I don't fulfill his needs. I just don't know what to do..I've tried telling him that I don't feel loved, that we have grown distant but he doesn't seem to see the problem or just doesn't want to. I have considered leaving him, but literally have nowhere to go nor anyone to help me. I'm a stay at home mom with no job and just really desperate for a change in my marriage..I feel like I'm going to lost my mind very soon..any advice is welcome...


----------



## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

You are not alone I also feel like giving up on a regular basis. Make some changes within yourself, get a job even if it's only part time and most importantly get regularly exercise. You'll be surprised how much better you feel after a 30 - 45 minute walk every day. I know that doesn't help with the other things but it makes you a stronger person.

.


----------



## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

Not having time for myself is an issue as well..i have a 6 year old and 3 month old, so me time is rarely a choice i have. I have been alone with the kids for the past three months with no help from him, my family lives on the other side of the world and I'm just frustrated..I've started doing yoga and meditation at night when the kids are asleep, but I just wish there was some way to fix my marriage, seems depressing thinking that I will live in a loveless relationship...I am happy with myself, it's just my relationship with him that's getting to me and stressing me out


----------



## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

I fit 5km in before 6am that's the only way I stay sane. I don't have a lot of answers I'm sorry my marriage isn't in any better shape than yours. 
What made me reply was my husband and I had a fight tonight over the lack of everything you spoke of including sex. I told my husband to place an ad online looking for a new wife, I said makes sure it includes not interested in sex, never says I love you, never goes on dates, watches TV all the time, not interested in touching or kissing and oral sex is definitely off the table. Forgot the first few years of our anniversary ( so he had it tattooed on him ) the list goes on and on. 

Have you tried MC ?

.


----------



## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

No since he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with our marriage...and every time I bring up our problems, he just ignores it or tells me im overreacting


----------



## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

He has also forgotten every anniversary for the past 9 years, also my birthday for the most part..


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Both you ladies should 'overreact' by filing for D.

There can be few things worse than being all but ignored but for your occasional use as a porta-vagina.

You both sound like you'd be happier on your own,, and can certainly find more considerate and appreciative partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anne1978 (Nov 26, 2014)

If only it were that easy...as I said earlier, two small children and nowhere to go. I guess I can't force him to appreciate me, and your use of the word porta-vagina is so right, and I feel like all I am to him is that and I am expected to cook, clean and raise the kids without any appreciation cause as he's said so many times this is my job. I just keep hoping he will open his eyes some day and see what he has, but am starting to doubt more and more that it will ever happen...for now, I see my future with him ending in divorce not matter how much I try to deny it.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The sad fact is, some people just aren't interested or cut out to be parents, and it sounds like your husband is one of them.

I speak from experience, as my own father was like that. He was a good man, and he definitely loved and cared about me, but I could tell he had no interest in being a parent, even at a fairly young age. I don't think I ever did anything with my dad, just me and him. It was my mom outside playing catch with me. As I got older and wanted to spend time with just him (ie go to a ball game, or play golf - he was a big golfer) he'd always make some excuse. The only time ever spent with him was during family vacations with my mom present.

My mom and him split up for about a year when I was 5 or so, and I only found out there was another woman sometime in my 20's. I assume he went through the same things your husband is going through - feeling neglected, second-fiddle to the kids, and generally not enjoying the change of lifestyle children bring. My parents met in university and married soon after. They spent 5 or 6 years travelling the world (dad was in the foreign service), and generally living an exciting and full life. Lots of friends, lots of adventures. Then I was born, and that all had to stop, and life became pretty mundane, I guess. He wasn't ready for it. He was used to moving every 6 months to a year, living in different countries, meeting new people, etc.

It's unfortunate, but it may be difficult to bring him around. You two obviously had your good times pre-children, and that's what he misses. Not much you can do about that other than talk to him and make him realize that THIS is what's important now, and you can both have your freedom and independence back in 18-20 years.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

There are couples who live according to pre-1960's gender roles - wife as prized mother and domestic servant - which is fine if that's what both parties signed up for. Importantly, those SAHM/servants were largely appreciated, being responsible for all things domestic.

With all the education, media and studies we have now you'd think the kind of lazy oaf that takes you for granted (or worse) would be a thing of the past.

Alas not. The percentages of the self-centered and abusers remain largely the same.

Since you're not in any immediate danger,, I'm not really suggesting you go ahead with a D (for now),, but you need something to kick him up the àss with so that he doesn't keep dismissing your complaints as 'overreacting'.

Typically, if you don't give such types a reason to change they won't. So long as you keep raising the kids, cook, clean, shop and submit to 5 minutes of inadequate rutting once a week, he'll stay the way he is.

Your 'role' is a worthy and tough one and, at the very least, you deserve some appreciation for it. Some daily affection should also be forthcoming.

He needs a big, loud wake-up call. Then he might change or you'll know it's time to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Anne1978 said:


> No since he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong with our marriage...and every time I bring up our problems, he just ignores it or tells me im overreacting


Then YOU go, alone if necessary, and let him know you are going. It will show you are serious about doing something. You will learn (a) how to live with the situation, (b) how to change the situation or (c) how to leave the situation.

also... next time he says he will find someone else if you don't fulfill his needs, tell him you were thinking the same thing.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I recommend you do three things.

1. Find a marriage counselor and insist he go with you.

2. Consult with an attorney about your options in a divorce. You may not have to move at all, but he might have to and support you.

3. Start working out, get physically fitter than you are now, it will improve your mood.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Some people are just not very loving and are selfish. They assume everyone else feels just the same. They seem to consider romance as being something you do until you have kids or are married.

If he will not accept that you have needs that are not being met maybe he never will. My mom left my dad for that reason.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If I were you, I would change things on the sexual front. Maybe it is just me, but I would start being available daily.

As a SAHM with a baby, you are in a dependent position. He will be easier to live with if he is getting regular sex. Meanwhile, you figure out a plan for your own future.

And I am sorry if I sound pessimistic.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Anne1978 said:


> I have been married for almost 9 years and have two kids with my husband. In the beginning, our relationship was good. We talked about everything, went out, had friends over all the time, and our sex life was great. After I had my first daughter, I suddenly felt abandoned and on my own. After I had my second daughter, I felt even worse. The reason for this is because he seems to have no patience for his own kids or me. Another reason is that he pays no attention to me unless he wants sex. He won't communicate with me, we never do anything together anymore, always forgets my birthday, never buys me gifts, spends little to no time with me, it feels like I'm a single mom living with a roommate and not a husband. When he's not working, he's laying on the couch watching tv or socializing with his friends. I have lost all emotional connections with him which makes sex something I avoid doing because I just don't feel the connection. Even when we do have sex, I can't wait to get it over with. I will be honest that this happens only once a month and now he is telling me that he will find someone else if I don't fulfill his needs. I just don't know what to do..I've tried telling him that I don't feel loved, that we have grown distant but he doesn't seem to see the problem or just doesn't want to. I have considered leaving him, but literally have nowhere to go nor anyone to help me. I'm a stay at home mom with no job and just really desperate for a change in my marriage..I feel like I'm going to lost my mind very soon..any advice is welcome...



It sounds like your hubby isn't marriage and kids material. He's meant for dating, having fun and sex. That's my impression.

I make the effort to always remember my wifee's birthdays and our anniversaries. And I'm getting perfect at completely surprising her too.

Maybe after having two beautiful kids, he is stressed out from supporting all three of you? So he goes out with the guys, relaxes at home after work and wants sex?

I know for me, sex unstresses me more than any talking with ever do. It also bonds me to Mrs.CuddleBug in more ways than she will ever realize. More sex = I'm very close to her. Sex only 1x month = room mate.

I make the effort to eat with my wifee, listen to her day, text her with my new iphone 6, cuddle on the couch and give her long kisses before we both go to work. And she makes the effort for sex.

My wifee told me if I did all these things, I didn't so much in the past, that she would want sex more with me. So I did and the sex didn't increase much at all.....After we took the 5 love languages quiz and compared, we learned what each others main love languages are and went from there. She also was a big girl and has now lost 50+ lbs and is completely changing.....more sex from both of these. My wifee is Acts of Service rating 12 were as I am Physical rating 12.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

I need sex because I am a HD guy. I can't have sex 1x month anymore like we did for almost 15 years of our marriage because Mrs.CuddleBug is LD. She is now more average drive I would say but can still let the sex slide to nothing for weeks.

Start doing things for yourself. Hobbies, and a part time job.

If you initiated adventurous sex with him, say 3 - 4x each week, would that get him more into you, close, talking, bonding with you or no?

I know if my wifee went back to sex 1 - 2x month, we would be room mates and not do much together.


----------

