# Less Sex After Children



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I wanted to post to find out if this is normal, and if it is, will it go away or is my marriage destined for failure?

Hubby and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for 4 and a half years. We have a 5 year old as well as an 8 month old. No more kids are in our future, we've decided two is enough for us. My husband works full time and I work part time.

The first few years of our relationship the sex was really great, and we had sex almost every day that we saw each other (which I would say was at LEAST three times a week but usually we saw each other everyday). It started to slow down after the first year or two and I remember being upset over the "lack" of sex (I feel silly doing that because hubby still would have sex with me, but I wanted more). My husband's libido is not at the same level as mine... I accepted it because 1) I felt that sex shouldn't be that important and 2) I felt that hubby was still having sex with me and perhaps it really was just libido issue.

Well after I had my first daughter, the sex picked up again. I remember that was some of the best sex we would have. He'd come home from work, I'd make dinner, put the baby to bed and we'd enjoy ourselves afterwards. :smthumbup:

Once my daughter turned 1, my hubby started to drop off his libido. We'd have sex 1-2 times a week compared to 3-4. Whenever I said anything about it he'd make an excuse. Stressed from work. Tired from work. The baby/our daughter was too distracting (even though we have NEVER done it when she's awake, she's always been tucked in to bed). I feel like any excuse in the book he would pull out. He's even denied sex if the house isn't clean enough for him, saying that it affected his mood.

It picked up a little bit right before I got pregnant with my son (hence how I got pregnant). Since he has been born (in August 2013), sex has been sparse (at least for me, I know there are people who would laugh who have it worse). We have sex maybe three times a month if even and usually it's not that great. 

I just feel like the passion has left our relationship and he no longer wants me. I'm not that out of shape. Yes my body isn't what it used to be (never will be after two kids), but I definitely didn't gain tons of weight. I dress myself up, wear makeup. I even try to surprise him with sexy things. I'll walk out of the bathroom with no clothes on, or I'll walk up to him and pull up my shirt. Last night for example I laid next to him in bed and hugged close to him and gave him a bunch of kisses, trying to make it passionate but he wasn't into it. Eventually I just rolled over and went to sleep.

I am so frustrated at my situation and I do try to talk about it with him. I tell him I'm not satisfied with our level of sex. I ask him why, if something is wrong with me and he's no longer attracted - I would like to fix it. He swears it's not me, that it's just work stressing him out, being tired from work, or the kids. 

I'm here because of the kids but if I didn't have them, I really do think I'd leave. I love my husband and I want to be with him but I keep feeling like something is missing. Today I have started realizing that I feel like we are cohabiting just to cover the bills (with both our incomes) for the kids. The passion and lust is all gone. I find him still very attractive, but that is what is making this so hard. I'm lusting after him and getting nothing back.

Do you think once our kids get older and more independent that things will get better in the bedroom between my husband and I? Like I said I always initiate after the kids are in bed or if they're at my mom's staying over, or at the in-laws - but I still get the same result.

Also, out of the 2-3 times we do it each month it's on HIS terms. It has to be when HE wants it. I probably try to seduce him at least every other day and get shut down. He tries 2-3 times a month and gets it whenever he wants it. I'm so frustrated!!! 

Is this a normal thing in a relationship?? I have literally tried everything I know to do.

Wow, sorry this is really long, I guess I also needed to vent.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You don't say how old he is, could that be a factor for him?

It sounds like he's always had a lower libido than you and that it's getting worse.

I have two kids too, 7 and 4. There was a downturn in sex when they were babies, but it picked back up once we dealt with some other issues (non-sexual). 

How much has your body changed? To give my experience, after my kids were born and I lost the initial fluid and actual baby weight I was back to within about 10 pounds of my pre pregnancy weight. Over the past few years, my weight has gone up to about 142 pounds and down to about 128. I'm nearly 5'8", so even at my heaviest I was never fat.

But there was a distinct upswing in my husband's desire for me when I got to that lower weight. He never said anything until I dragged it out of him, but yes, it made a difference. The difference between twice a week and five times a week. 

Your husband is unlikely to tell you if it is your body that's turning him off sex. And it's not a nice thing to contemplate. But I'd always rather know what I'm really dealing with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would also question how old he is, in particular? How about being fit? The first thing I'd want to rule out is something physical, especially low testosterone. 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and I doubt it will get better on its own. In fact, I suspect it will continue to decline, until you look back on today as "the good old days". Sorry. :-(

C


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Does he acknowledge his drive is much lower - does he give you any real explanation for this?

My experience was that it did get better one the kids were older - potty trained and sleeping through the night.

My H has a lower drive than me, that has never changed even when things were better. I'd stay sex has always been on his terms. That is the plight of a sexual mismatch. The lower drive spouse has all the control.

So yeah, it will probably get better but won't be what you long for entirely.


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