# When do you give up trying to win him back?



## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

6 months since D day. (he said he wanted divorce out of the blue said he wasn't happy)
4 months since he moved out.
2 months since stopped sleeping on the couch 3-5 nights a week and spending weekends with us..:sleeping:

I have told him multiple times how I feel. I did not ask for this divorce, I did not ask him to move out, I did not ask for any of this. I love my husband. Always have ~~ Always will. 

I'm constantly sending him lengthy emails professing my love. Telling him how much I miss him. Etc. His response is always "I'm afraid things will go back to the way they were"?? He left because he just wasn't happy!!! That's it! Says if he comes back he's worried about hurting our daughter. I think he's hurting her more by being gone. 

He lost alot of weight....women are hitting on him. Younger women 15+ years younger! He is friends on facebook with "strippers". I friended a few of them and they dropped him like a hot potato. Of course his profile didn't say he was married. :rofl:

Long story short.......I've asked him why he hasn't asked me out to dinner, out for a drink etc. He says he'd love to go out with me. Yet why isn't he asking??? He hangs out at bars with his boss (recently separated also) and misc women! Yet can't ask me along. 

I even scheduled a vacation for my daughter, myself, and my husband. A week away recently. He didn't come. Said he didn't want to make anyone feel awkward. 

I want to throw my hands in the air and say I give up. Stop trying. Let fate take over. Yet deep down I know he won't make the effort to save our marriage. I just cannot find the strength to give up. I feel if you truly believe in something/someone don't ever give up fighting.

Yet I don't think I have anymore fight left????

Suggestions/Thoughts???? Help!!!!! 

What is wrong with me!!


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

yes, you have to give up or rather give in to what he is saying. I don't say give up hope, but listen, really listen to what he is saying. On this forum, they call it the 180, you turn your back and work on yourself, no calls, no texting, no emails or letters. When you do see him, you act in a kind and loving way, be sure to say that you don't want this to happen but you respect that he is saying there is something that needs to change. Find out what it is in a real, heartfelt conversation. But do not chase him.


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Thank you so much for your post. I did that after he moved out in February and he came back around again. Actually said he wanted to move home. Yet he wasn't sure he wanted to be married. Missed being home though. I told him the two go hand in hand and we need to work on us before he moves back in. 

I'm still waiting on him to initiate....

So I'm not wrong waiting on him?

I shouldn't be more persistent??

I need to read the 180 again!! Print it out and keep it close


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To your question...when you realize you are the only one putting any effort to make it work. When you stop denying reality. When you stop fearing life without him. If he wanted to invite you out then he would. Which means that he doesn't. Hope is always the last thing to die.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

no you are not wrong, be patient and see where he goes with it. Limit your contact. It doesn't always cause the other to come back, but at least it makes things clearer


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> when you realize you are the only one putting any effort to make it work. When you stop fearing life without him. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've come to the point where I know I'm the only one trying in any aspect of this marriage. 

I do fear life without him. Don't get me wrong. I'm doing great. I would rather not have to go at life without him but I can do it. 

Puts alot into perspective.


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Another thought just came to mind......what if he's doing a 180 and I do the 180 and neither of us make any effort??

Can you tell I'm grasping at straws here???


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I wouldn't say I fear life without him, I just know that life is going to be a lot grayer without him. I gave him my virginity, two kids, 29 years of my life, all willingly and lovingly and he threw it away without a fight


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Same here.....18 years together 13 married . I gave it my all. Yet he can walk away and start a new life. LIke a get out of jail free card!!  Single ready to mingle...and doing alot of that.

Yet I'm here in our house, paying our bills, taking care of our daughter. My life is still the same. The only thing that's missing is him. 

My life isn't bad....it's great actually....was great before and is still great. Just wish he was still a part of it. 

I'm ready for sunny skies again. I have faith that they are around the corner for all of us.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I spent a year feeling like that after my estranged husband moved out. I was pathetic. It took a lot of counseling and my attorney finally putting the situation into perspective for me. My attorney told me to tell my husband to move back into the house, go to marriage counseling, and put a sincere effort into saving both our marriage and our business. Otherwise, I would file for divorce. Without hesitation my husband said, "NO". At that moment I lost hope. Up until that point, hope was the only thing remaining of the 20+ year marriage. What keeps your hope alive? Is it real or wishful thinking?


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

I don't think I will ever give up hope. I've been with my wife 16 years married for 7. She gave me 3 wonderful kids, I will always love her. She is chosen a different life which I don't agree with and I don't know if ill ever forgive her. I know I will be ok without her but wish we where together. I think society makes it hard to stay married. Every news and tv show has a affair happening. We don't celebrate long marriages on TV, we don't support families. Those stupid dating sites who promise real love to people. When I believe real love is staying together working through life's challenges raising a family. And always trying to stay connected and enjoy people differences and faults. I know there are people out there who will appreciate and love me. I would like it to be my WW. Sorry to ramble on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

827Aug said:


> What keeps your hope alive? Is it real or wishful thinking?


I think a lot of times it is wishful thinking. And also because most of the time the one wanting to save the marriage still has an emotional attachment to the one leaving/making no effort.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

When he's made it very clear he's not interested in doing anything to work on the marriage. But it's so hard to do. My ex has a girlfriend, and I still wish with all my heart and soul that he would come back.....very disrespectful to me, but it's how my heart feels. I wish I could make it stop feeling that way. Today has been hard for some reason. Maybe because I'm sick today and feeling lousy physically. All I know is I miss him desperately today. But there is no hope.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Seems to me that you're still being clingy. Constantly texting him where if I were him, it would bug the heck out of me. He has you around his little finger and he knows it. He knows that he can come back home ANYTIME he wants so why not keep it up while he's having fun on the outside.

The NO CONTACT rule simply means that ... NO CONTACT!

How can the guy MISS you when you're constantly at him? Heck, right now he's able to have his cake and eat it too!

You're DESPERATE and it SHOWS!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> Seems to me that you're still being clingy.
> 
> He has you around his little finger and he knows it. He knows that he can come back home ANYTIME he wants so why not keep it up while he's having fun on the outside.
> 
> ...


Exactly. Like I told a guy in a bar once many moons ago... 

He came up to me and said "Did you miss me?" And I said "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

SAME CONCEPT on a bigger playing field.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

sad185, I think he has answered you loud and clear I'm afraid. Like was already said, you're doing all the heavy lifting and he's not doing anything. In fact, he's doing things that would indicate he's not coming back to the marriage.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel except I don't have any facebooks, etc to read. That would drive me insane!


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

You are all right!! Is wishful thinking, I am being desperate and clingy!! I need to hear those things to empower me to stick with the 180. With all if your help I feel I can be strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Sad185,

Sorry you are going through this. I know what its like to hold down the homefront and your spouse is having a hall pass.

You have to do what is best for you and with that step back from the situation and if this was a daughter or friend what would you tell her?


Deep inside you may already have the answer as to what you want to do or know you should do and once you have resolve with your decision.


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Hall pass!!! Now I like that!!!!! 

The hardest part is that I feel like I am giving up on all my hopes and dreams.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sad185 said:


> You are all right!! Is wishful thinking, I am being desperate and clingy!!


And as we all know -- "desperate and clingy" are VERY unattractive.


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Oh he's having his cake and then some!!  It's almost like I was at the top of a roller coaster and out of nowhere my life came barreling down the track. I'm on my way up the next hill and it's a little easier now. 

I have to stick to the 180 and focus on me. Watch out world...here I come!!  This could be dangerous.


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