# Separated for one year - The slow, painful death of my marriage.



## esrum1 (Oct 3, 2012)

Hello Guys. I’m turning to this forum in hopes to absorb some of the knowledge, experience and friendship that many of the members here posses. 

I am a classic Nice Guy. I hide my imperfections through webs of lies. I am ashamed of my sexuality. I have been financially unfaithful to my wife. I indulge in viewing pornography. I drink not as a social activity, but to deal with emotions. I convince myself that things are better than they truly are. I am passive aggressive. I’m well educated, but DO NOT maximize my fullest potential at work. I’m lucky to hold the job that I hold now, it pays very well. 

I have read NMMG 3 times now. Each time I learn more and more about myself. However, trying to put the exercises and instruction to practice in real life is much more difficult than I thought. 

- My wife doesn’t trust a thing I say or do because I have repeatedly lied to her in the past.
- My wife now accuses me of having had an affair, which is not true, but I am stuck in a defensive position. She will not explain to me what has led her to believe that I have stepped out on the marriage. She attributes my generally poor relationship behavior (passive aggression, fighting, conflict, etc.) as me trying to cover up more lies.
- I have been financially unfaithful, money shifting, spending, charging to her credit card, etc. And have lied about it.
- I have been jealous of her detachment from me, her newly developed relationships and friendships and threatened by her individuality. 
- We are separated, going on one year now, we have come close to reconciliation once, and then old habits resurfaced causing her to reset the separation clock.

I am here to tell me story, hopefully find common ground with other men that have had similar experiences, learn from you, and get control of my Nice Guy tendencies. Below, in a response-post is a more in-depth understanding of how my wife and I ended up where we are now. Thanks for reading.


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## esrum1 (Oct 3, 2012)

In the beginning of 2012, my wife approached me and told me that she felt that we needed to discuss going to marriage counseling because she was not happy with our relationship. I dismissed this idea and attempted to continue in our marriage, trying to work out issues in home, between us, sans therapist. This hurt her, frustrated her and started us down a path of the emotional detachment process. 

In May of 2012, she uncovered some financial infidelity on my part that I had hidden from her, lied to her about and caused her to question her financial security and question my honesty and integrity. Rightfully so. In April, June and again in July of 2012, we had some of the worst fights our marriage had ever seen. As a result of her emotional detachment, our sex life dropped to non-existent, and in a sort of “fight-or-flight” state, I became controlling and jealous. This only added fuel to the fire.

In August of 2012, after an incredible nasty fight regarding our non-existent sex life, she opted to move to move out of our home and move into a friend’s basement. The following week after moving out, she explained to me that she wanted a 6-month trial separation, and that she had located a townhome that she would be leasing. 

I fought her every step of the way. I was angry, anxious and depressed. I exhibited these feelings in highly passive aggressive ways. We had little to no communication in September and October. After a few weeks apart, we cooled down enough to discuss marriage counseling; we had our first session in the end of October 2012. Things began to take an uphill turn. We dated more, spent time with the counselor, and in the middle of December, she invited me over to her rented townhome to stay the night with her – platonically. 

We kept the momentum going in January, February and March of 2013. Even though we were still separated, my wife opened up to me emotionally and physically. We started to have sex multiple times per week. It appeared as though we were coming to an end of the separation. Unfortunately, on Easter Sunday as it happens to be, I engaged her in another highly charged conflict about sex and how I was frustrated that we had not had it for two or three weeks. The fight was awful, I was certain that the marriage was over. She, instead, requested that we go back to square one and restart the clock on the trial separation. 

April, May and June were frustrating months for me. We enjoyed a family trip (my wife, our daughter and I) to Disneyworld. She of course, slept in a different bed than me – and we fought over this. We went on a trip to her brother’s wedding in May, which was fairly smooth. We’ve enjoyed some dates here and there, family activities, but no further discussion of moving back together, or about the problems that have brought us here. 

The day following the 4th of July, we had a massive blowout together. Yesterday, to edge out the emotional pain that the blowout caused, I spent the day alone, behind my closed curtains, and drank myself numb. I have no idea where to go from here – I’m tired, scared, anxious, and frustrated.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

So when are you Starting MC and IC ? When is your first AA meeting ?

My man, you have a wife that is trying to work things out with you and you keep spitting in her face.. What will it take ? For her to serve you with divorce papers ? For your wife to fvck your best friend ?

If you haven't figured it out yet.. YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS.. You need PROFESSIONAL HELP..

I honestly don't get you.. I would imagine there are dozens of men and women here that would hope that their spouses would look to fix things or try to work on things like your wife is.. 

Pull your head out of your A$$ and seek help..

The next time you think you have an idea to fix this.. Just remember this.. YOUR IDEAS ARE STUPID.. Plain and simple.. Once you remember that mantra continue on to the therapist and have them help you.. If the first one is no good, look for another.. As a matter of fact make first visits with several therapist to see which one your wife like best.. Why your wife, well because your ideas are stupid.. 

Do all of that then come back here and tell us how your first session went.. 

Your gonna need to learn to be honest with yourself.. Your wife will support you if she see's you trying.. Your not trying atm..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

esrum,

You have plenty of company brother.

But, you're going about this all wrong.

Tell us about your childhood.

And hers.


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## d2snow (Mar 17, 2013)

Esrum, you sound a lot like my husband (sans the drinking).
We've been separated for a year now, and I've made many attempts to repair the marriage, but he can't seem to do his part. 

Every time we attempt a reconciliation, something new happens that messes everything up. The latest being that I discovered secret bank account he opened up recently.

The lies and deceit continue ... sigh....


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Get to AA. Get in counseling. 

You are not being a nice guy, but an a$$hole to your wife: you lied, stole, manipulated, and focused on yourself. You drink to cover up your problems that you primarily caused through your self-centered behavior. AA can help. So can counseling. 

If you want people to trust you again, you first have to learn how to deal with yourself, to trust yourself, and again, AA and counseling can help you with that if you have the capacity to be honest.


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