# Saying "Us", vs. "I" in conversations



## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I've had to catch or correct myself when speaking to coworkers or just random people. I'm married/separated, we both don't wear our rings. It's awkward for me sometimes when I'm asked about an event that involved my STBX, and I say "we"....

Example: At work I use a carry bag that has Australia on it...it's my favorite bag and best memory. When asked if I went there I say yes "We were there in 2011". Then come the questions about my trip and it just gets really uncomfortable for me because there is no longer a "we". 

Worse than that, or to expand on that, is that I now work for a company that has me passing by my STBX'S work place. I have been professional on the job, but when ppl ask me how I got the job, I don't know how to reply sometimes? STBX gave me the info for this job. I see daily the gal he spoke to that landed me there (she's a very nice coworker!).

I have to stay with this company for financial reasons, but it does kinda hurt having to see him from time to time, and I don't know how to answer questions from customers without making the situation uncomfortable. 

I can and will always be professional on the job, but the sting sometimes is hard to deal with later.

How do you all go forth with family, friends, and coworkers in this situation? Thx...


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You just say, an acquaintance or friend told you about the position. Then, refer to to the vacation as You visiting. No need to tell people you used to be married to him. Who knows, knows. 

For family and friends who knew you guys were married, just say "when we were married" or "my exh".

Life goes on. You seem to be doing great. Just stay strong. Do things to improve yourself and always carry yourself with your head held high.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Exactly. It was pointed out to me by a coworker how often I used "we" when speaking about the past. It was habit and I needed to form a new habit as a single person. "I" went skiing. So what if he was there, too? I no longer have to include my ex in that statement. I went whether he went or not, right? Of course enough years have passed that it's not a big issue although there are still some times that were big enough trips or life experiences that I go back to that time in conversation.

As to the job, you can certainly say you were recommended by someone you know. Then divert the conversation (from the inevitable "who?") by continuing without pause by saying "And I'm so glad - this has been a great experience! How did you come to work for XYZ Corp?" Deflect.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

In the end its about bravery my friend, and the brave CONFRONT THINGS HEAD ON!!! You just mention yeah my ex and I this or that, so what, we live with a plus 50% divorce rate so its really no biggie once you get over the fear!! Im here to help!! DUDE

Acceptance

I don’t like this, but it’s going to happen, and I need to get through it. I’ll make it. Our marriage is ending. We’re divorcing. I need to let my marriage go. My wife is leaving. My husband and I won’t be together any more. We’re getting a divorce. I’m ready for my co-workers, my family, and my friends to know that I’m going through a divorce. I’m ready to negotiate with my spouse.

Acceptance is difficult, painful, and curiously, often liberating. Some of the crud is gone, because now you’re down to working it out. The task is simpler, cleaner. Maddeningly, though, you may think you’ve accepted the reality of divorce and then realize a day or two later that you’ve begun bargaining again to save your marriage. Again, that’s normal. It’s okay. Just acknowledge it and get back on task.

Ideally, you and your spouse can both accept the reality of your divorce before you negotiate its terms. To the extent you can do that, you will both be more comfortable with the terms you work out, because you will be able to stay in control. You will be able to think strategically. You will be able to focus on the all-important task of getting on with your life.

Grieving in Divorce | Divorceinfo.com


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I don't know about anyone else, but to me it may be a subconscious sign of where you're at in the divorce process. I went through a couple separations before this last one and I got called out for using the "we" statements. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I'm pretty sure I've almost 100% stopped them, I don't even refer to her as STBX anymore, just EX, even though the divorce process is just getting started. So it may just be a sign of where you are at in this whole process?


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Thank you all for your kind thought and encouraging suggestions. As for where I'm at in the process....limbo is the only way to describe it. I know this is happening, but I'm trying to find acceptance. We both at one time or another had wanted a divorce, well, I said it onve, he's said it multiple times. So it is more lop sided as me being the leavee.


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