# Still recovering...



## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

My husband of 20+ years cheated in 2010. I found out at Christmas time that year. We had dated since we were 17 (on and off), so our time together was almost 27 years. I never loved anyone else, even though we both dated other people before we married. 

After a brutal and horrible separation, he came to his senses and we started talking again. We are back together, but I still feel angry and hurt sometimes. And our children don't trust him. I know now from reading these threads (why I didn't look for these before astounds me - I suppose I had no idea what to do, honestly), I can see we did so much of it the wrong way. 

My story is long, and the worst pain I've ever endured from someone deliberately trying to hurt me. Thank you all, for letting me feel like I'm not alone. All of the stories here make me feel like I'm not the only one who's gone through these things. It's been two years, and it doesn't sting as it did, but does it ever completely go away? Will I ever feel completely safe with him ever again? Does anyone else have children that can't forgive, either? 

Thank you all for listening...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

I think it might depend on the age of the children.

As for the other questions, I knew a chap a while ago. He must have been maybe 65. He told me he had had an affair in the early stages of his then 40 year marriage.

He told me his wife still brought it up and held him to account. He said that with no bitterness or resentment and also said he and they were grateful for what they had built since.

This was years before my ex wife's affair began so I had no idea that situation might be relevant to me, but he was inspirational and his story sticks with me to this day.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Three years out here and yes, it does get better, but only if BOTH of you are working at it. Every marriage takes a lot of work, but one recovering from cheating takes a bit more, I think. That said, our marriage is far better today than it was pre-Dday.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

My husband cheated on me several years ago and I still don't trust him but it wasn't the first time. I feel like if he got the chance he would do it again. However he has said some things that has led me to the conclusion. Plus he is a porn addict and only young women seem to turn him on.

After the first time he cheated we almost got a divorce but we got back together and I started trusting him again. I couldn't stand being without him I loved him so much and thought I couldn't live without him. So I know how you feel. I noticed one big thing that changed after he cheated sex didn't feel that great. 

However my husband has never been one to say he was sorry or tell me he loves me. If he is really trying to make it up to you he may be sorry he did it. To be happy with him though at some point you will have to start trusting him again. I know how hard that is after you have found out you can't.

If it only happened once he may never do it again but if there was several different women I don't know.


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## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

It was the only time, as far as I'm able to tell. But he became very emotionally and mentally cruel and abusive while it was going on. He had a breakdown of some sorts, or so it seems.

Our children were 17 and 15 at the time. The 17 year old had been asking me to throw him out for months preceding, because of his behavior. I wouldn't have told them about the affair (or the thousands he siphoned out of our account), but when I confronted him, he yelled so loudly, anyone would have heard him. 

It is work. He is sorry. And better to me than ever. I was just so emotionally blindsided by it all, the stereotypical doting, clueless housewife. I still have a hard time thinking it actually happened, because while our marriage wasn't perfect, it had never been what it became. 

Thank you all for your insight, it is much appreciated and valued...


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## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

That's such a great question. First of all, I'm sorry about your situation. I know what that feels like. 

They are actually mostly very good. He only told me what really happened with him and the OW last December, two years after I found out. He had moved out for almost a year, moved back in because our son was sneaking out and doing drugs, and I needed help supervising him. We had been "dating" (which seems surreal) in the meantime. He started calling me and asking me out two months after he moved out. It was very difficult at first. If he had waited too much longer, I would have been too far gone with the loss of my feelings. 

Because of his mental issues, he wanted to focus on those more than the OW. I was the opposite, but never quite got what I needed about it. He tells me (and told me then) how much he loved me, how beautiful I am, how sorry he is. But he would still defend the OW when I brought up her name. I struggle with that. He never defended me with her. She complained when my sister-in-law called her number a few extra times (I had asked her to call, to see who answered), and that's the only contact I ever had with her. She lives in another state. From what I gather, she feels she didn't do anything improper. She encouraged his mental and emotional separation with his children. I've never met her in person, but I've seen plenty of pictures and videos of her. Unimpressive, at best. 

Even though he is almost always wonderful to me, I can't let go of not being first even when we got back together. And that it took him so long to tell me the truth (and even then, I'm sure there are missing chunks. He won't tell me the last time they spoke. OR what he said to her.), and sometimes I don't think I can live with that. No matter what he buys me, or says. And then I think I'm foolish. I'm an unhot mess...


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Colleen said:


> My story is long, and the worst pain I've ever endured from someone deliberately trying to hurt me.


You're not doing yourself any favors by framing your husbands affair as something that it wasn't, he wasn't *deliberately trying to hurt you*, he did, in fact hurt you, but I doubt it was his intent, in fact, in his mind he was trying to not hurt you by hiding the affair. That doesn't make his affair less painful, but for you, it isn't healthy to attribute any more *malicious intent* to his actions then there really was.

Regarding your children (young adults), let them speak their mind but take their advice with a grain of salt, I doubt you feel like they're ready to make their own life decisions for themselves yet, so what qualifies them to make those decisions for you.

And your husband. Anything less than 100% transparency earns him a ticket out the door.

T


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Colleen,
Sorry for the painful events of the last few years. You should aim for a fully committed marriage. Do you think you'll be able to say something like this to him?

_Hubby, I've been hoping to heal from your affair on my own. You've been very nice to me since you returned but I haven't been able to feel completely safe with you. Mostly because you haven't been forthcoming with me about the affair. The time has come for me to either restore my trust in you or consider ending this marriage. 

I can begin to restore my trust if I know what I am forgiving and how you conducted yourself with her. I want to have a calm and honest discussion with you with full and complete disclosure. If you are willing to help me restore my faith and trust in you, you will swallow your pride and help me. Let me know when you're ready to talk. If you don't ever want to talk then I'll have to consider other options. 
_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you looked at counselling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

Yes counseling is on the list. He travels a great deal, which is what precipitated the affair. So it's hard to get us both in the same place at the same time, or schedule things. 

I do love what you wrote about what I need to say, but it's like he doesn't hear me. The verbage is dead on, I'm going to try it. 

He did try to hurt me. I've known him for years, almost 30, and he became emotionally abusive in the last two years. I accepted it because I thought he was just having a hard time (lost his job, and a side business he had), that it was a phase and one of the ebbs of marriage. He belittled, shamed and eventually cowed me into submission. I am a strong-willed woman, and this isn't easy to do. I realize I participated, and I am ashamed of myself for allowing it. It was subversive and took place over a year and a half, and i wasn't objective enough to see it. He was angry at the world, himself first, then me and so on. He would tell you, he was malicious and cruel, and wanted me to suffer. Not with the affair, per se, but in his own twisted reality of the time. 

I could have easily lived without him. He broke my heart so badly, and I was in a good place financially when he was gone. Not rich, but comfortable enough to live. But I love him. I've always loved him. I'll always love him. Maybe it's enough, maybe it isn't. Through counseling, or time, or words like the ones here will help me ultimately figure out what I need to do...

Thank you all. So much.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husbands multiple affairs came out in 2010. He told me he had been having affairs for 8 years. 8 YEARS!!! While I was working full time and had two toddlers at home. I lost all respect for him as soon as I found out.

He apologized, cried.... (Yawn), and because I was dealing with some serious health issues, I/we did not deal with it.

We are still married and on Wednesday, I blew up. I told him how awful he was and how I was ashamed of myself for pretending nothing ever happened. I told him I wanted a divorce and that no matter what my future was, I would be free from someone so cruel and maybe I could learn to respect myself.

He never owned up for what he did and no one from his family ever found out and ALL the other women (some married) were never called out.

I too wish I had found this site in 2010 but I was so frazzled. But I found it now and it helped me realize that my life is short (especially because I am sick) and I can't live with myself if I remained married.

Eveyone who has an affair knows what they are doing. My husband always seemed angry with me or would roll his eyes at me for small things. Now I know he was just making me the bad guy so he could justify his actions in his mind.

My husband is a good father but a ****ty husband and uncommunicative person. I honestly don't think I will miss him at all.

It's pretty certain (because of my illness), that I will not remarry or ever have a boyfriend so my advice to any of you that don't REALLY want to work on their marriage( and I personally believe there won't be many good ones after an affair no matter what), to get out at all costs. You have a shot at a future that hopefully includes love, honesty, treasure, and trust.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Colleen said:


> My husband of 20+ years cheated in 2010. I found out at Christmas time that year. We had dated since we were 17 (on and off), so our time together was almost 27 years. I never loved anyone else, even though we both dated other people before we married.
> 
> After a brutal and horrible separation, he came to his senses and we started talking again. We are back together, but I still feel angry and hurt sometimes. And our children don't trust him. I know now from reading these threads (why I didn't look for these before astounds me - I suppose I had no idea what to do, honestly), I can see we did so much of it the wrong way.
> 
> ...


It doesn't ever really go away fully. Nor should it. To be "betrayed" by someone you loved and trust is the worst thing imaginable. The psychological and emotional pain is a true "physical" injury. 

I also believe that a betrayer who does not live the rest of their life in some sort of humility and contriteness is one who truly doesn't care for what they did to the person that had such faith in them. 

It's also damages kids permanently as well. Some times it's more evident than others, but it's there nonetheless. 

The best you can hope for is part of a marriage. For some it's good enough. For others it isn't.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Colleen said:


> My husband of 20+ years cheated in 2010. I found out at Christmas time that year. We had dated since we were 17 (on and off), so our time together was almost 27 years. I never loved anyone else, even though we both dated other people before we married.
> 
> After a brutal and horrible separation, he came to his senses and we started talking again. We are back together, but I still feel angry and hurt sometimes. And our children don't trust him. I know now from reading these threads (why I didn't look for these before astounds me - I suppose I had no idea what to do, honestly), I can see we did so much of it the wrong way.
> 
> ...


Dday for me will be 2yrs in July 28th... It's been a very hard R. With trickle truth for the whole time. We have both been to counseling, IC & MC, been doing our best, but the pain of it is still very much with me, although I don't think of it as much, but still too often- I think...

Our eldest daughter, 13, still hasn't forgave him and every time they have a disagreement, or if my H and I have a disagreement she always says to me "I don't know why you decided to give him another chance, I hate him!" sometimes she says it even if we haven't had a falling out at all...

Sorry to hear you are here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Colleen said:


> He was angry at the world, himself first, then me and so on. He would tell you, he was malicious and cruel, and wanted me to suffer. Not with the affair, per se, but in his own twisted reality of the time.


If I had a wife, who had an affair, and then told me she was malicious and cruel and wanted me to suffer, I'd put as much distance between her and myself as possible. It's one thing for a person to be down on themselves, it's another to come down on others unjustified. Tell him to hit the road.

T


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## Colleen (Apr 17, 2013)

I am astounded by how often this happens. I wish I were savvier about the application, and could quote things all of you say. 

First of all, it does seem we tiptoe around it. That's what I want to address with us, once and for all. I know I'll make it, one way or the other. Sometimes I feel I need to burst out of my own skin, if anyone else knows what that feels like - and run, as far and as fast as I can. 

He was awful to my children, and I have been mostly (because no one does it all right) a very devoted, loving mother. My children are very protective of me, which makes me crazy because my mother expected me to be protective of her and it took me years to shake it off. My children will never fully get over what he did during that time, because it was so globally traumatic and happened during such critical times - my daughter's senior year of high school and my son coming of age (14). 

We all have the potential to indulge the darkest of our natures. My husband was never this person during most of our lives together. That's what made it particularly unnerving and unimaginable. He was disassociative, and should probably have been hospitalized. The OW fed his lunacy, which infuriates me that she got away with it scot-free. I know she owed me no allegiance, and broke no vows. But she participated freely. 

I am a forgiving person. I've endured a great deal of personal relationships that have been challenging, but when people know better AND do better, I can live with that. I just need closure, and understanding. Or maybe that never really happens, as some of you have said. There is no permanent ending to this. 

No one wants to go back in time and undo the damage more than my husband. He sees the carnage and damage he still pays for, and if he lives in it, he'll lose his mind. I believe in redemption, and I know he tries. It's these mixed signals that drive me crazy. 

I know I'm rambling, and I'm sorry. I feel as out of it now as I did then. All while finishing up my degree at a Tier One University (4.0 this semester!). I was caught unaware before, with no marketable skills. I'll never be in that position again. I wish I could hug all of you, especially the wounded ones like me. I wish I had magic words and a wand, to heal all of our hearts...


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