# Unhappy Wife: Where we live, How I spend money



## NE2MW (Apr 26, 2013)

Current Situation:
DW seems unhappy with where we live. Claims that my company is horrible I believe this is because of her dislike of the location. Claims that she doesn't need me to provide for her. Twice I unexpectedly have to stay late at work she will put the chain on the door so that I cannot get into the house until she lets me in. I want her to be happy and not unhappy because of where we live. 
I would like to look at buying a house. I have excellent credit and enough to put 20% on houses way larger then what we would want, and more in the price range we of houses we would want. I would like to begin house shopping, my wife however won't because she sees our current location as temporary and doesn't like the part of the country where we live. I think it is caused by being so far from her friends and family. I think she would be happier if she made new friends but she has not made any effort since the first person here she tried to be friends with didn't work out, this was July or August 2012. She claims that once she is done with school she wants to start her career, and the industry she wants to get into isn't possible in our current location. She wants to have a new baby. I don't really see her trying to start a new career after having a new baby for at least a couple years. Until baby next one is at least 2 or 3. Who knows maybe I am wrong. 

Background: 
My wife and I have been married for a year and have a wonderful 4 year old son. We are in our late 20's. My wife is a stay at home mom and is a full-time student online with about 6 months before she will obtain her Bachelor of Science degree. My wife would like a new baby so we have been working on that now . 
Just over 10 months ago I accepted a new job halfway across the country to better provide for my family. Moving from the North East to a city in the Midwest. The new job offered real benefits, 9% pay increase, lower cost of living, room for career growth and I would be working normal business hours (some exceptions). I work in the Technology field and my old job was great but I was working for a top Technology company except I was a Contractor working 12 hour overnight shifts working alternating 36 hour and 48 hour weeks, working every other weekend, and no path for career growth. Very minimal benefits were offered at full price by the contract company, but no vacation or sick time. 
The new job does include some travel so far being away for 3-4 days a month. But I see it that at least the rest of the time I get to sleep with my wife every night and eat dinner with my family almost every night after work. 
DW hasn't worked for about 3 years originally stopping to take care of her very sick mother, be a stay at home mom and went back to school online. Her mother has since made a full recovery. Before 10 months ago DW had never lived over 10 miles from her parents and where she grew up.
I went to college 350 miles away from my parents and where I grew up. Then took an internship twice that distance for almost a year, so I have lived away from friends and family before. Maybe that is why the move wasn't as hard on me.
My wife has some debts due to being without health insurance and unable to purchase it privately due to being turned down for a pre-existing condition. Another reason why I wanted the new job with benefits. Heath insurance from my employer that has covered almost all of a 20K surgery that she needed just a couple months ago. I have been helping her with debts paying off the small ones and giving her money to make payments for the larger two. I am the breadwinner for the family and sole provider. We have joint accounts that we primarily use and then we both have individual accounts from before the marriage. She uses hers to make the payments for her debts out of. Mine investments that she is listed as a beneficiary on some and joint on others over 97% of the funds coming from my contributions and an inheritance. My wife has no interest in managing my/our investments but she does take care of writing the rent check and things like that. I got her a credit card with her name on it and limits 50 -100 times larger than any of the ones she had previously. DW does most of the 
A couple months ago I purchased myself a refurbished android tablet without discussing it with her first from a deal of the day website. She was not happy about this and refused to give it to me for days after it finally arrived. It ended up costing me buying her an ultrabook at full price to get her to give it to me. I bought it mainly because she does not allow me to take the iPad we got as a Wedding gift out of the house. I see the tablet having the most value when I travel. I have always allowed her to buy whatever she wants, she has a smartphone, data plan, gets her nails and hair done when she wants. I pay for all her text books and whatever amount her loans and grants for school doesn't cover. I will give her a heads up when we have been spending a lot in a particular month and might want to cut back. 
For the most part she is frugal and financially responsible tries to save money on groceries and household items. I offer to buy her a car but she doesn't want it and claims there is no need for the expense since there are 2 grocery stores including a super Wal-Mart within a half mile of where we live along with at least 3 different shopping centers less than a mile away. That the walking is good exercise for her. 


I apologize for my post being so long. I wish my wife was happier where we live. I hope that I didn't make my post too confusing. Ideas, tips might be helpful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, the first thing you have to do is do a little reading. Your relationship is unbalanced, and you have the ability to fix that. Read these books and report back. You'll see what I"m talking about once you read them: At least two of these three: No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., and Married Man Sex Life Primer.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Ok, so BEFORE you accepted the new job in another part of the country:
1) Did you discuss it with your wife? 
2) Did she know you were even looking? 
3) Did she know where you were looking?
4) Did she agree, and if so, was it supportive or reluctantly?

If you did discuss it AND she supported the decision, then I think you need to remind her it was a joint decision and also consider what alternatives she might be suggesting now. 

If you didn't discuss it or you did but she didn't agree or had reservations, then you are experiencing the backlash from that. Not saying her specific way of expressing herself (chaining the door), holding back/ransoming your tablet purchase is acceptable.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It's hard moving away from where you grew up,it's normal. You need to give her time. I also think that with you traveling its even harder for her. Does she go to the gym or do something where she can socialize? 

In regards to expenses sit down and set some rules, for example anything over $400 you need to discuss together or each of you have a certain amount of spending money. 
I would also get out of debt before you decide to have a baby and make sure you have insurance. They say it's about 4-7k for childbirth but, if something happens it can spike. When I had my baby it was 35k just for me and 12k for the baby. Luckily I had insurance.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't understand why you allow your wife to lock you out of the house if you arrive later than expected (due to work). I also don't understand why you allow your wife to take your purchases away and give them back to you ONLY after you purchase her a similar item. 

This is 2013 and the economy isn't exactly booming. Having a job these days trumps whining about not liking where the job is located. 

I would lay off the thought of having another baby until your relationship is more balanced and you and your wife figure out why grown men aren't locked out of the home they pay for (unless they cheated).


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Your wife appears to have some emotional issues and your relationship is unbalanced, she says jump and you ask how high? I wouldnt put off having a kid until you get things settled, adding children will only make things more stressful emotionally and financially.

As for where to live you need to discuss as a couple and decide whats best for the family. Dont pick where you live based on "friends", friends come and go, you will loose them and make them, its part of life and part of getting married is accepting that you will need to give some things up in order to make the marriage work and raise a family. When times are tough and you are busy friends, unfortunately, are one of those things that have to be pushed aside. We all go through it, i had a massive group of friends when i graduate high school, by the end of college i had a big but completely different group, a few years after college i now has 2 good friends left, i bet by time i have kids i wont have any.


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