# Wrong to have hobbies/interests outside of marriage?



## SF-FAN

Ok so I'm not quite married yet but we have the date set and are in the last stages of planning. This is my 2nd marriage and I'm older than she is. I learned a lot from my first marriage but she's never been. 

Long story short. Both our kids (each from previous relationships) play sports so we are pretty busy and sometimes have to go in separate directions during the week for practices and weekends for games but for the most part we spend time together though we don't live together yet. I have coached my son for years and recently moved him to a different club and stopped coaching but took on a different role with the new club. I enjoy coaching and being involved in my son's sports and other activities and it's what I would call a hobby. I don't do anything else outside our relationship. 

Well turns out that my fiance did not like that. According to her I shouldn't be taking on any new responsibilities since we are already too busy. We got into a pretty big argument and she almost called the wedding off because she says I'm being selfish. I've always been involved in my kids' sports and it doesn't take a ton of time from my schedule. I feel she's being clingy and selfish. I told her that it's healthy for a couple to have other interests and her response was that if that's the case we might as well stay single. 

Another thing that causes a fight is when my kids' mom calls. We never talk about anything other than the kids and they are very short conversations but she feels me and my kids' mom shouldn't talk anymore. My ex is remarried and our conversations are minimal and strictly about the kids so I don't understand why it's always a fight when that happens. She tells me I don't need to answer the phone.

Am I wrong in all of this?


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## sunsetmist

COUNSELING. Y'all need a third party mediator before engagement proceeds, IMO.


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## jorgegene

Better that you know now rather than later.

No, it's not wrong or unusual to have different hobbies and interests. By the time most of us reach middle age, we have a lot of life and life activities behind us. 

To expect to find a mate that shares every interest
As yourself would be very difficult and impractical.

You need to have deep rooted common bonds, but not about everything. And that means compromise and letting you be you and her be her.

Your fiance is being weird.

Watch out!


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## SF-FAN

jorgegene said:


> Better that you know now rather than later.
> 
> No, it's not wrong or unusual to have different hobbies and interests. By the time most of us reach middle age, we have a lot of life and life activities behind us.
> 
> To expect to find a mate that shares every interest
> As yourself would be very difficult and impractical.
> 
> You need to have deep rooted common bonds, but not about everything. And that means compromise and letting you be you and her be her.
> 
> Your fiance is being weird.
> 
> Watch out!


During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. I can understand if I was choosing my friends over her or was going out every night and not coming back until late but I'm involved in my son's sporting activities and I enjoy it so from time to time I may have to meet with other parents that volunteer their time also. I don't see anything wrong with that but I can't make her understand that it's not such a bad thing. 

I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer but when I mentioned going she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?" so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

For most folks, it is more wrong to _not_ have hobbies outside the marriage.

A successful long term union requires a good balance between the individual and the couple. Stifling that prevents the individual from being a well rounded person and that person is then not likely to be a good partner. 

Tight bonds... and personal space... are both absolutely essential for a marriage to endure. 

It's all about the balance. So long as outside interests do not take too much time and energy, and the partners love and nurture each other, there should be no complaint.

Did your wife's ex neglect her as the result of overinvolvement with a hobby? Or is she just controlling and/or insecure in general?


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## SF-FAN

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> For most folks, it is more wrong to _not_ have hobbies outside the marriage.
> 
> A successful long term union requires a good balance between the individual and the couple. Stifling that prevents the individual from being a well rounded person and that person is then not likely to be a good partner.
> 
> Tight bonds... and personal space... are both absolutely essential for a marriage to endure.
> 
> It's all about the balance. So long as outside interests do not take too much time and energy, and the partners love and nurture each other, there should be no complaint.
> 
> Did your wife's ex neglect her as the result of overinvolvement with a hobby? Or is she just controlling and/or insecure in general?


I don't know much about her ex except that he was in the service and was gone for long periods of time and that he cheated on her a couple times. As a note, I was also cheated on by my ex but I moved on from that and am not taking it out on my new partner. She is insecure and she's expressed as much. I also feel she's showing some immaturity and honestly don't know if this is going to be the cause of a break up.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SF-FAN said:


> I don't know much about her ex except that he was in the service and was gone for long periods of time and that he cheated on her a couple times. As a note, I was also cheated on by my ex but I moved on from that and am not taking it out on my new partner. She is insecure and she's expressed as much. I also feel she's showing some immaturity and honestly don't know if this is going to be the cause of a break up.


It sounds like you're both bringing a good deal of baggage into this relationship. I second the previous suggestion for counseling/mediation. Y'all got a lot to overcome.


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## PM1

"you don't want me to get upset do you?"

Yikes! I third, the recommendation that you hold off until counseling can occur. This sounds like the makings of a pretty big issue. 

Not everyone has to share hobbies, but my wife supported me coaching my kids, as well as volunteering beyond that. Sounds like she has history that needs to be addressed, and to find some balance.


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## BigToe

SF-FAN said:


> She is insecure and she's expressed as much. I also feel she's showing some immaturity and honestly don't know if this is going to be the cause of a break up.


It's only going to be the cause of a breakup if you let it become one. My question is, why is she feeling this insecurity. Certainly, interacting with your ex-wife is non-negotiable and you couldn't have gotten this far in your relationship without your fiance's knowledge of such interaction. So what's changed?

Insecurity is not resolved by logic, ie. it's the kids mother and we only talk about the kid. It is resolved by emotion, ensuring her that she is the only one you have eyes for via compliments and attention. Her insecurities will wane if she is confident that she's the only one who has your attention. Do you have the will and desire to spend the time building up her confidence? Give up something for her. It doesn't have to be big, but give her a gesture. And the next time she says "you don't want me to get upset do you" don't take it as a threat to your independence. Walk up to her, hug her, kiss her, and say, "No baby. I love you too much to want to upset you. Let's talk about this".


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## SF-FAN

BigToe said:


> It's only going to be the cause of a breakup if you let it become one. My question is, why is she feeling this insecurity. Certainly, interacting with your ex-wife is non-negotiable and you couldn't have gotten this far in your relationship without your fiance's knowledge of such interaction. So what's changed?
> 
> Insecurity is not resolved by logic, ie. it's the kids mother and we only talk about the kid. It is resolved by emotion, ensuring her that she is the only one you have eyes for via compliments and attention. Her insecurities will wane if she is confident that she's the only one who has your attention. Do you have the will and desire to spend the time building up her confidence? Give up something for her. It doesn't have to be big, but give her a gesture. And the next time she says "you don't want me to get upset do you" don't take it as a threat to your independence. Walk up to her, hug her, kiss her, and say, "No baby. I love you too much to want to upset you. Let's talk about this".


She's made it known she's insecure. She's very beautiful but not thin. She's not fat either but not thin. She has commented that I hardly ever compliment her and I don't make her feel beautiful. I'm not good at that, I'll admit and though I should make her feel she's the only one, I shouldn't have to constantly reassure her. Compliments should come out when one feels like giving them, not routinely to stroke the other person's ego.

My ex is thin and attractive, though I don't see her as that. I honestly don't know what's changed as early in the relationship my ex and I spoke more frequently because our kids didn't have phones. Now that they have phones the majority of conversation is through them but sometimes it's necessary to speak to each other. Still my partner doesn't like it and basically told me not to answer the phone when she calls. 

I feel like maybe I could do more by making her feel she's the only one for me but I also feel she's a bit immature when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. Clingy and demand to spend all available moments together is not healthy. I told her we could get tired of each other and she says she wouldn't.


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## ConanHub

Sports clubs? Coaching and training?

Hell no!

Get your butt straightened out and drop those hobbies yesterday!

Strip clubs with lap dances? That is obviously a hobby that will meet with approval!>:wink2:


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## BigToe

SF-FAN said:


> She's made it known she's insecure. She's very beautiful but not thin. She's not fat either but not thin. She has commented that I hardly ever compliment her and I don't make her feel beautiful. I'm not good at that, I'll admit and though I should make her feel she's the only one, I shouldn't have to constantly reassure her. Compliments should come out when one feels like giving them, not routinely to stroke the other person's ego.


I appreciate your honesty. It sounds to me like you are already taking her for granted, are you sure you are ready for another marriage? Raining compliments on the woman you love enough to marry is not akin to stroking their ego and should come without any effort or reservation at all.


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## I'mAllIn

I don't think you are wrong at all in wanting a hobby or interest of your own, especially when it's one that involves your kids. I see big problems ahead if your fiance is already having problems with your involvement in your kid's activities and the fact that you have to speak to your ex-wife to coordinate their care. I'm jumping on the pre-marital counseling bandwagon here.

However, I feel like this is also a situation where you you will at times have to decide whether to be right or happy since you say you don't want to break up. If you want to be happy, and you want to have your own time to pursue your own hobby, I would recommend that when you do have time to spend with your fiancé you make it quality time. That includes taking her somewhere she enjoys and telling her she is attractive, looks nice, is a great cook/wonderful housekeeper/has an amazing ass, or whatever else she needs to hear to help reassure her that she is the only one you want. I would also suggest having your fiancé attend one of your kids games that your ex-wife will also be at if possible, so that she can see that you don't make eyes at each other or flirt or whatever else her internal demons might tell her the two of you do. 

I think we all have demons and insecurities that we are working on. Just because hers are different from yours doesn't make them any less real or any easier for her to get over. You will get a lot farther by doing what you can to help with that than you will by just trying to reason with her or fight about it. JMO though, I could be wrong.


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## I shouldnthave

My husband is often asked relationship advice from his guy friends. 

He stresses that one of the things that have allowed us to still be a happy couple after 18 years is that we have our own hobbies and interests. 

He is an advid bike rider, I am an equestrian. Both time consuming hobbies which require dedication. 

Most weekends we do our own things in the mornings and then things together in the evening. Same goes for after work vs dinner time etc.

He says don’t let your spouse be your hobby. As in don’t be too clingy, suffocating etc. 

You both had lives before you met each other, you should continue having your own hobbies and interest.


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## snerg

SF-FAN said:


> During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. I can understand if I was choosing my friends over her or was going out every night and not coming back until late but I'm involved in my son's sporting activities and I enjoy it so from time to time I may have to meet with other parents that volunteer their time also. I don't see anything wrong with that but I can't make her understand that it's not such a bad thing.
> 
> I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer but when I mentioned going* she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?" so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."*


Tell her to roll that up real tight and cram it where the sun don't shine.

Boundaries.

Put them up.

Enforce them.

Stop making your life difficult.



SF-FAN said:


> Now that they have phones the majority of conversation is through them but sometimes it's necessary to speak to each other. Still my partner doesn't like it and basically told me not to answer the phone when she calls.
> .


Really?

She's the mother of your kids.

You will have to talk to her.

Again, boundaries.

Get them in place and enforce them.

This will not go well for you if you do not.


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## sunsetmist

I'm getting funny vibes--is it her tone, her attitude, her expectations??? How does she look, react; how do you look, react? Marriage is difficult enough when it is NOT a competition --for attention, caring, connection.


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## aine

SF-FAN said:


> During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. I can understand if I was choosing my friends over her or was going out every night and not coming back until late but I'm involved in my son's sporting activities and I enjoy it so from time to time I may have to meet with other parents that volunteer their time also. I don't see anything wrong with that but I can't make her understand that it's not such a bad thing.
> 
> I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer but when I mentioned going she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?" so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."


I'm sorry you need to nip this in the bud right now. You have every right to have hobbies, being married does not mean being joined at the hip, in fact it is healthy to have individual interests. She is the one being selfish and interfering in your time with your kids and making arrangements for them.
it sounds like she almost has you ***** whipped and you are not married yet! To say 'you don't want me to get upset do you?' is a way of controlling you and lacks complete respect for you. You need to nip that attitude right away and tell her '_if you want to be childish about how I spend time with my kids and my hobbies, that is your problem, not mine. I wish you would be a grown-up about it but if you insist on throwing a tantrum, go right ahead and be my guest_.' 
Threatening not to marry you is also a form of controlling your behavior. I would suggest you put the marriage on hold and tell her to get herself sorted out. Imagine her behavior now, what will it be like in 5-10 years time? 
YOu are older than her by how many years? Why do you have a difficult time in standing up to her and insisting on her treating you with some respect?
I'm sorry but a great woman does not try to control her man, she respects him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

SF-FAN said:


> During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. I can understand if I was choosing my friends over her or was going out every night and not coming back until late but I'm involved in my son's sporting activities and I enjoy it so from time to time I may have to meet with other parents that volunteer their time also. I don't see anything wrong with that but I can't make her understand that it's not such a bad thing.
> 
> I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer but when I mentioned going* she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?"* so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."



Right or wrong, this is always the kicker to me doing exactly what I wanted to, even if I was contemplating not for a second. 

I, and many, wouldn't tolerate this statement from any SO. 

You're not a child. 

You're in for hard times my friend if she doesn't get away from this behavior. 

And the more times you give in, the more her wrong treatment if you is reinforced, the more she'll do it.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having some separate hobbies, and is absolutely required to have some personal outside activities to keep your mind right. 

At 40, you marry this woman (without her correcting these attempts to control you) and you'll soon be divorced again.

Good luck.


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## Lila

I'm a big proponent of the Marriage Builders 15 hours of Quality Time a week concept. If you can honestly say that you are giving it your all to spend 15 hours a week with her bonding and doing couples stuff, then I would say you have every right to go off and spend time on your kid's sports. If you aren't, then I recommend you start with the 15 hours first if you want your relationship to last.


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## SF-FAN

She actually doesn't control me or try to but these two items have become issues recently. I'm over 10 years older than her (she's 30) and like I said, my previous marriage and divorce taught me a lot about being independent. I was the super clingy one in the previous relationship. So I think lack of relationship experience and possible immaturity has a lot to do with it along with her image insecurity and being cheated on before.

She goes to my kids' sporting events often and we interact with my ex and her spouse. We're not Bffs but we're all civil. She knows my ex is no angel and I've repeatedly told her I would never want to get back with her. My SO's issue with me answering the phone when my ex calls is that it gives my ex control or that I'm always available for my ex. For the record I'm pretty good about answering calls no matter who it is and rarely miss a phone call unless I'm very busy or don't have my phone by me. So I don't know how to get her to see that it's just routine and nothing more. So we could be having the best weekend and one 20 second call from my ex will ruin it all because I answered the phone. She's given me an ultimatum in the past and I told her that I couldn't not talk to my ex, it's part of divorce and co-parenting so I think it kind of got swept under the rug and it comes up when she calls. She also told me that she doesn't want me talking to my ex about anything that doesn't relate to the kids. 

As for the hobbie thing, she feels we're already very busy and have to go our separate ways often so taking on a new responsibility in my son's club is my way of saying I would rather be away from her. I've told her that married couples should have other interests or hobbies but she says I shouldn't compare our relationship to other marriages.


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## 3Xnocharm

SF-FAN said:


> D
> I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer b*ut when I mentioned going she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?" *so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."


THIS is the sound of her attempting to put your balls into her purse. DO NOT let that happen! 

You both have every right to have your own hobbies, as long as you do not neglect each other. That is the HEALTHY way to run a relationship. 

Her issue with your XW... as long as what you have presented is true, (communication about kids only) then she is completely out of line. She knew going into this relationship that hey, your kids DO have a mother, and that requires that you speak with her sometimes. I think its great that you and she and her SO get along, that is so good for your kids. I think you need to make it clear that she stops the jealous bullcrap regarding this, or it will end your relationship. (and this is coming from a woman who got dumped for the XW!) 

I agree with others that pre marital counseling could be a great thing for you guys.


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## Lila

SF-FAN said:


> She actually doesn't control me or try to but these two items have become issues recently. I'm over 10 years older than her (she's 30) and like I said, my previous marriage and divorce taught me a lot about being independent. I was the super clingy one in the previous relationship. So I think lack of relationship experience and possible immaturity has a lot to do with it along with her image insecurity and being cheated on before.
> 
> She goes to my kids' sporting events often and we interact with my ex and her spouse. We're not Bffs but we're all civil. She knows my ex is no angel and I've repeatedly told her I would never want to get back with her. My SO's issue with me answering the phone when my ex calls is that it gives my ex control or that I'm always available for my ex. For the record I'm pretty good about answering calls no matter who it is and rarely miss a phone call unless I'm very busy or don't have my phone by me. So I don't know how to get her to see that it's just routine and nothing more. So we could be having the best weekend and one 20 second call from my ex will ruin it all because I answered the phone. She's given me an ultimatum in the past and I told her that I couldn't not talk to my ex, it's part of divorce and co-parenting so I think it kind of got swept under the rug and it comes up when she calls. She also told me that she doesn't want me talking to my ex about anything that doesn't relate to the kids.
> 
> *As for the hobbie thing, she feels we're already very busy and have to go our separate ways often so taking on a new responsibility in my son's club is my way of saying I would rather be away from her*. I've told her that married couples should have other interests or hobbies but she says I shouldn't compare our relationship to other marriages.



I think your girlfriend is feeling like she's not a priority in your life. As a Quality Time person, my partner committing to more extra curricular responsibilities without consulting me would piss me off. I'm not saying that you should not spend a few (3-5) hours a week on your hobby, but it should definitely not be more time than the amount of Quality Time you spend with her... quality time being one on one time, without the kids. 

There's also the issue of you not complimenting her. She needs plenty of your attention and your affection to feel secure in your relationship. Why not just give her what she needs?


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Dude, find those things between your legs and use them. She does not get to tell you what to do or how to parent your child or even dictate your hobbies. She can raise concerns but not demands. Put your foot down.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Lila said:


> I think your girlfriend is feeling like she's not a priority in your life. *As a Quality Time person, my partner committing to more extra curricular responsibilities without consulting me would piss me off. * I'm not saying that you should not spend a few (3-5) hours a week on your hobby, but it should definitely not be more time than the amount of Quality Time you spend with her... quality time being one on one time, without the kids.
> 
> There's also the issue of you not complimenting her. She needs plenty of your attention and your affection to feel secure in your relationship. Why not just give her what she needs?


 @Lila 

Im kind if kidding here, because Lord knows mostly I'll go to wherever my DW commits is to, but in the otherhank:

I'll tell DW she's the sweetest girl in the world, and the only girl for me....

Then I'll tell her I'm going fishing Saturday, be gone early and home late...😉😉😉

And if she gives a stern look and asks if I want to see her upset, I always say "well, that ship's already sailed sugar bottom". 

As I'm packing my fishing gear.

We've gone down that road before. 😆😆😆😆


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## Lila

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think your girlfriend is feeling like she's not a priority in your life. *As a Quality Time person, my partner committing to more extra curricular responsibilities without consulting me would piss me off. * I'm not saying that you should not spend a few (3-5) hours a week on your hobby, but it should definitely not be more time than the amount of Quality Time you spend with her... quality time being one on one time, without the kids.
> 
> There's also the issue of you not complimenting her. She needs plenty of your attention and your affection to feel secure in your relationship. Why not just give her what she needs?
> 
> 
> 
> @Lila
> 
> Im kind if kidding here, because Lord knows mostly I'll go to wherever my DW commits is to, but in the otherhank:
> 
> I'll tell DW she's the sweetest girl in the world, and the only girl for me....
> 
> Then I'll tell her I'm going fishing Saturday, be gone early and home late...😉😉😉
> 
> And if she gives a stern look and asks if I want to see her upset, I always say "well, that ship's already sailed sugar bottom".
> 
> As I'm packing my fishing gear.
> 
> We've gone down that road before. 😆😆😆😆
Click to expand...

I know different strokes for different folks.

If you look back at my posting history you'll see that I had similar issues with my now ex-husband as what Op is experiencing with his now fiance. I'm just throwing out other possibilities than the dump her, take your balls back, stand your ground advice. if she is in fact someone who values quality time above All Else, then their relationship is Dead on Arrival unless he can actually meet those needs. It would be best for him to address that now than after they commit to marriage. I would hate for him to find himself in a similar situation to mine.


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## Openminded

What's changed since early in the relationship? You're engaged to her so she feels entitled to tell you what to do. Be glad you're seeing this now instead of after you married her. Maybe a longer engagement -- to see if this can be resolved -- would be helpful.


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## WorkingWife

SF-FAN said:


> Ok so I'm not quite married yet but we have the date set and are in the last stages of planning. This is my 2nd marriage and I'm older than she is. I learned a lot from my first marriage but she's never been.
> 
> Long story short. Both our kids (each from previous relationships) play sports so we are pretty busy and sometimes have to go in separate directions during the week for practices and weekends for games but for the most part we spend time together though we don't live together yet. I have coached my son for years and recently moved him to a different club and stopped coaching but took on a different role with the new club. I enjoy coaching and being involved in my son's sports and other activities and it's what I would call a hobby. I don't do anything else outside our relationship.
> 
> Well turns out that my fiance did not like that. According to her I shouldn't be taking on any new responsibilities since we are already too busy. We got into a pretty big argument and she almost called the wedding off because she says I'm being selfish. I've always been involved in my kids' sports and it doesn't take a ton of time from my schedule. I feel she's being clingy and selfish. I told her that it's healthy for a couple to have other interests and her response was that if that's the case we might as well stay single.
> 
> Another thing that causes a fight is when my kids' mom calls. We never talk about anything other than the kids and they are very short conversations but she feels me and my kids' mom shouldn't talk anymore. My ex is remarried and our conversations are minimal and strictly about the kids so I don't understand why it's always a fight when that happens. She tells me I don't need to answer the phone.
> 
> Am I wrong in all of this?


I believe you are wrong on the "hobbies outside of marriage" part. It is not smart to be involved in activities that don't involve your spouse where you have MORE fun than in the activities that do involve your spouse. The brain starts associating the spouse NOT being there, and the people who ARE there when you're having fun with "happiness."

Of course it's also not fair for her to expect you to give up an interest you held before she came into the picture. 

1. Is there any way she could join you on these sporting events? Even if she's not into the sports, I've gone to games I didn't care about for the social aspect and read my kindle through the game. But you two could grab some time together before or after the coaching.
2. What things can you find to do together that you BOTH enjoy and are BOTH enthusiastic about? I don't think the danger is having SOME time apart as much as not having ENOUGH time together, connecting, just the two of you.

Regarding the kids and the Ex: DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER! Neither of you are right or wrong, but she feels threatened by your ex for whatever reason - which is very normal even if it seems unreasonable - and you two need to decide how to handle relations between you and the Ex since as long as you have children the ex will be in the picture. You need to find a way where your fiance doesn't feel she's the outsider to you and your ex and your kids. Remember the decisions you and your ex make about your children will still affect your fiance's life.

I'd get on the website www.marriagebuilders.com and start with the basic concepts (here: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/a-summary-of-dr-harleys-basic-concepts.htm) especially the policy of undivided attention and the policy of joint agreement. 

Navigating step families is VERY difficult and there's a reason so many marriages involving step children end in bitter divorce. Here are two articles on them from the same website. Please read.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/blended-families-1.htm
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/blended-families-2.htm


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## aquarius1

Run.or get counseling. While I understand her reasons for her insecurities, she cannot make you responsible for making her feel more secure. She needs to find that for herself, preferably with a professional’s guidance. You had a life and children before her, and you and your ex have an adult working relationship. I honestly have this bad feeling in my gut that if these are the demands now, they are only going to escalate after marriage. You are being isolated, cut off and all of your previous relationships are being criticized and called into question. Not a good start. She seeks security through controlling every situation. Your job is not to make the monsters go away. It’s to give her the support to get skills and courage from a professional to slay those demons herself. Only then can she have peace. You will never be able to do it for her. Trust me on this one. I speak from personal experience. I know that you love her, but in a few years, when you realize that you can never do enough, be enough or say enough to make her feel more secure, the bloom will come off the rose. It’s okay to love someone enough to say “no”. No I can’t fix this, no not now until you face these demons. No.


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## MattMatt

Many years ago someone wrote a three word joke about the expectations of SOME women regarding marriage.

It goes Aisle, Alter Hymn.

First you stop being in any contact with your ex wife.

Then you stop any involvement in your son's activities.

What would be next? Would she demand you spend less time with your son?

This will not work out well for you or your son unless you DO risk making her upset.


----------



## Blondilocks

How about the next time your ex calls, you hand the phone to the fiancee and tell her to talk to the ex. If it's just about the kids, your fiancee can field the questions and probably will know the answer. This will get the onus off of you and make the fiancee feel that all is on the up and up with your ex. Also, after a while she may get tired of the rigmarole and tell you to take the calls.

Do compliment her even when she is in her bathrobe and her hair looks like she stuck her finger in a light socket. A little grease will help the wheels go round & round. 

Don't let her dictate your time and interests. You need these activities to refresh yourself and find HER interesting at the end of the day. Too much togetherness can be a drag on a relationship. If she's bored when you're not there, then she's just a boring person.

Don't ever fall for emotional blackmail (her asking you if you want to upset her). How she *chooses* to feel is up to her and not in your control. 

Finally, don't tie the knot until you two have worked out reasonable solutions that stand the test of time.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski

SF-FAN said:


> She actually doesn't control me or try to but these two items have become issues recently. I'm over 10 years older than her (she's 30) and like I said, my previous marriage and divorce taught me a lot about being independent. I was the super clingy one in the previous relationship. So I think lack of relationship experience and possible immaturity has a lot to do with it along with her image insecurity and being cheated on before.
> 
> She goes to my kids' sporting events often and we interact with my ex and her spouse. We're not Bffs but we're all civil. She knows my ex is no angel and I've repeatedly told her I would never want to get back with her. My SO's issue with me answering the phone when my ex calls is that it gives my ex control or that I'm always available for my ex. For the record I'm pretty good about answering calls no matter who it is and rarely miss a phone call unless I'm very busy or don't have my phone by me. So I don't know how to get her to see that it's just routine and nothing more. So we could be having the best weekend and one 20 second call from my ex will ruin it all because I answered the phone. She's given me an ultimatum in the past and I told her that I couldn't not talk to my ex, it's part of divorce and co-parenting so I think it kind of got swept under the rug and it comes up when she calls. She also told me that she doesn't want me talking to my ex about anything that doesn't relate to the kids.
> 
> As for the hobbie thing, she feels we're already very busy and have to go our separate ways often so taking on a new responsibility in my son's club is my way of saying I would rather be away from her. I've told her that married couples should have other interests or hobbies but she says I shouldn't compare our relationship to other marriages.



Everything she is saying sounds reasonable to me dude. 

How dumb are you to mess up a perfect weekend by taking a 20 second phone call? Talk about lack of relationship experience.


----------



## SF-FAN

Admittedly I can and should make more of an effort to compliment her and keep the romantic spark going, maybe I need to make more of an effort with that. That may possibly reassure her that she is the only for me and I appreciate her. She is a great woman, she cooks, cleans, goes above and beyond for me and the kids and honestly as a man couldn't ask for anything more so maybe I need to show her I appreciate all that she does.

With that said, it stresses me out to no end to bring up the two issues I've mentioned. When we're together I dread the possibility my ex will call because I know it's an automatic fight or my SO's mood will change from happy to upset. It happened this past weekend. Great weekend overall but Saturday night my ex calls and since we were sitting watching a movie, I didn't answer. Shortly after my son calls and says his mom needs to talk to me. It was 20 second conversation but after that my SO's mood automatically changed. I asked her what was wrong and she told me "You know I don't like when she calls" to which I answer "I have to talk to her, my kids are with her." So for a couple hours I had to deal with her pissy mood.

As for the hobby, she is part of it. She's at all my son's games, I tell her what goes on within the club but her issue is me going to club functions that my son doesn't go to. For example tryouts. I was asked to go to the tryouts to help for an age group that is older than my son's. But because my son didn't have to go, she said I shouldn't have to either.

I've had thoughts about calling the wedding off or postponing it but my kids adore this woman. Her family has accepted my kids as their own. It's going to be hard to find someone that cares for my kids like her and her family does. When you're single with kids, you can't just think of yourself, you have to make sure the person you pick is going to treat your kids right. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.


----------



## Cat Lady

SF-FAN said:


> I've had thoughts about calling the wedding off or postponing it but my kids adore this woman. Her family has accepted my kids as their own. It's going to be hard to find someone that cares for my kids like her and her family does. When you're single with kids, you can't just think of yourself, you have to make sure the person you pick is going to treat your kids right. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.


This struck me because it sounds like you think that you NEED a woman in your life. Is that what you think?

Sounds to me like putting the wedding on hold would be an idea. Don't cancel, don't set another date, and don't get into a huge long reason why with the kids. It isn't really any of their business the intricacies of why. I am 100% sure that they don't want you two to be miserable for the rest of your lives just to make them happy. That cannot in fact even be done, so think long and hard about how good a reason it is to stay with this woman for the reasons I quoted above.


----------



## azimuth

You don't need to talk on the phone with your ex. My ex and I only text or email and it works.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

SF-FAN said:


> I've had thoughts about calling the wedding off or postponing it but my kids adore this woman. Her family has accepted my kids as their own. It's going to be hard to find someone that cares for my kids like her and her family does. When you're single with kids, you can't just think of yourself, you have to make sure the person you pick is going to treat your kids right. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.


But you also cant stay with someone just for your kids, either. You are to be commended for all your efforts for your kids, but this is something that you cant make a decision on based on just how the kids feel. Your marriage is its own entity, separate from your kids and everyone else, and the foundation of your whole family. So much more to it than hey, she and the kids get along...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

azimuth said:


> You don't need to talk on the phone with your ex. My ex and I only text or email and it works.


But he isnt on the phone with her have long, personal, private conversations... they communicate about their kids. Fiance is out of line getting upset the way she does every time the ex calls. She's the kids' mom, she isnt going anywhere, and fiance should be damn glad she isnt a raving lunatic of an ex wife like some people have to deal with. Suck it up, buttercup.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

3Xnocharm said:


> azimuth said:
> 
> 
> 
> You don't need to talk on the phone with your ex. My ex and I only text or email and it works.
> 
> 
> 
> But he isnt on the phone with her have long, personal, private conversations... they communicate about their kids. Fiance is out of line getting upset the way she does every time the ex calls. She's the kids' mom, she isnt going anywhere, and fiance should be damn glad she isnt a raving lunatic of an ex wife like some people have to deal with. Suck it up, buttercup.
Click to expand...

She is jealous. My wife is similar, though she would never prevent me from talking on phone with ex about kids. She still goes through my text messages with her or if ex calls what was said. I don't care since I have nothing to hide. I just chalk it up to jealousy. What OP should never do is let her pissy mood get in the way of communicating on matters of his kids. She has to accept it.


----------



## Cat Lady

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> She is jealous.


My thought too


----------



## azimuth

3Xnocharm said:


> But he isnt on the phone with her have long, personal, private conversations... they communicate about their kids. Fiance is out of line getting upset the way she does every time the ex calls. She's the kids' mom, she isnt going anywhere, and fiance should be damn glad she isnt a raving lunatic of an ex wife like some people have to deal with. Suck it up, buttercup.


I agree with you. I personally wouldn't freak out if my partner took a call from his ex about the kids and it certainly wouldn't ruin the weekend. But I am not the OP's fiance. He wants to build a life with her so he needs to find a way to move forward. I presented an idea that works for me. My ex and I only text and it works. Seems like a simple solution that would make everyone happy with minimal effort.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I have a feeling she would flip shyt about texts, too. Anything that means he responds, she is going to object to.


----------



## Blondilocks

Your ex can't expect to have access to you whenever she wants. If you and your fiancee were on a date, would you take the call? Have you considered that your ex is doing this on purpose? So what was so very important that the ex just had to call you on your free Saturday and then rope your son into getting you on the phone? Set some boundaries with your ex. Unless one of your kids is in danger she can e-mail you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

SF-FAN said:


> Admittedly I can and should make more of an effort to compliment her and keep the romantic spark going, maybe I need to make more of an effort with that. That may possibly reassure her that she is the only for me and I appreciate her. She is a great woman, she cooks, cleans, goes above and beyond for me and the kids and honestly as a man couldn't ask for anything more so maybe I need to show her I appreciate all that she does.
> 
> With that said, it stresses me out to no end to bring up the two issues I've mentioned. When we're together I dread the possibility my ex will call because I know it's an automatic fight or my SO's mood will change from happy to upset. It happened this past weekend. Great weekend overall but Saturday night my ex calls and since we were sitting watching a movie, I didn't answer. Shortly after my son calls and says his mom needs to talk to me. It was 20 second conversation but after that my SO's mood automatically changed. I asked her what was wrong and she told me "You know I don't like when she calls" to which I answer "I have to talk to her, my kids are with her." So for a couple hours I had to deal with her pissy mood.
> 
> As for the hobby, she is part of it. She's at all my son's games, I tell her what goes on within the club but her issue is me going to club functions that my son doesn't go to. For example tryouts. I was asked to go to the tryouts to help for an age group that is older than my son's. But because my son didn't have to go, she said I shouldn't have to either.
> 
> I've had thoughts about calling the wedding off or postponing it but my kids adore this woman. Her family has accepted my kids as their own. It's going to be hard to find someone that cares for my kids like her and her family does. When you're single with kids, you can't just think of yourself, you have to make sure the person you pick is going to treat your kids right. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.


So the bottom line is that you are going to just suck it up and go through with it. please tell me you have a pre-nup at least


----------



## SF-FAN

Blondilocks said:


> Your ex can't expect to have access to you whenever she wants. If you and your fiancee were on a date, would you take the call? Have you considered that your ex is doing this on purpose? So what was so very important that the ex just had to call you on your free Saturday and then rope your son into getting you on the phone? Set some boundaries with your ex. Unless one of your kids is in danger she can e-mail you.


This is what my SO thinks the case is and though some women are petty I don't think this is the case. My ex is no angel and can be a ***** but for the most part we are very civil and I don't encroach on her marriage and she doesn't encroach on mine. This particular Saturday she called because my son had a practice early Sunday morning and I was taking him so she asked if he could just stay the night with me (if we didn't have any plans) to make it easier on all. Since we didn't have any plans, I was fine with it and so was SO but she didn't like that my ex called me. One thing that did kind of irk me is that my ex was going to drop off my son later that night. Shortly thereafter my son, by his own request, asked if I could pick him up sooner. My SO didn't want me to because she felt I'd be going out of my way to help my ex by picking him up instead of her dropping him off. I don't see it that way, to me it's more time I can spend with my son. I made it clear to my SO about that but she still feels it's going out of my way to help my ex. 

My ex doesn't give me crap if I don't answer the phone when she calls so I'm not always available for her and if I'm busy I won't answer so that's not a big deal but if I am available I answer the phone for everyone, and I'd say 95% of our conversations are through text and even texts are minimal. The minimal phone conversations about the kids are usually in front of my SO, I have nothing to hide. 

I'm 100% fine on my own and being single. After my D, I was single for a few years and enjoyed the freedom so I'd be fine. I do worry my kids would miss my SO and her family. They've grown to be part of them and really enjoy spending time with them. My fear is I'd be causing pain to my kids.


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## SF-FAN

Lostinthought61 said:


> So the bottom line is that you are going to just suck it up and go through with it. please tell me you have a pre-nup at least


I'll go through with it if we can work these issues out. The wedding is in 4 months so we're in the late stages of planning it. Her family has paid for most of it so they'd be out the money if it gets cancelled or postponed. She has a lot more to lose than me so pre-nup is not an issue for me. I own nothing. Her family owns a huge business, several houses and property. A pre-nup is the least of my worries.


----------



## MEM2020

Crazy controlling, jealous, combative spouses are such a joy. 

They seek to destroy every external relationship and activity you have. 





SF-FAN said:


> Ok so I'm not quite married yet but we have the date set and are in the last stages of planning. This is my 2nd marriage and I'm older than she is. I learned a lot from my first marriage but she's never been.
> 
> Long story short. Both our kids (each from previous relationships) play sports so we are pretty busy and sometimes have to go in separate directions during the week for practices and weekends for games but for the most part we spend time together though we don't live together yet. I have coached my son for years and recently moved him to a different club and stopped coaching but took on a different role with the new club. I enjoy coaching and being involved in my son's sports and other activities and it's what I would call a hobby. I don't do anything else outside our relationship.
> 
> Well turns out that my fiance did not like that. According to her I shouldn't be taking on any new responsibilities since we are already too busy. We got into a pretty big argument and she almost called the wedding off because she says I'm being selfish. I've always been involved in my kids' sports and it doesn't take a ton of time from my schedule. I feel she's being clingy and selfish. I told her that it's healthy for a couple to have other interests and her response was that if that's the case we might as well stay single.
> 
> Another thing that causes a fight is when my kids' mom calls. We never talk about anything other than the kids and they are very short conversations but she feels me and my kids' mom shouldn't talk anymore. My ex is remarried and our conversations are minimal and strictly about the kids so I don't understand why it's always a fight when that happens. She tells me I don't need to answer the phone.
> 
> Am I wrong in all of this?


----------



## MEM2020

She is aggressively trying to disrupt your co parenting because she doesn’t give a crap about your child. 

This is mental illness and it is not treatable. She isn’t large about to harm you, but she might eventually try to harm you kid.





SF-FAN said:


> Admittedly I can and should make more of an effort to compliment her and keep the romantic spark going, maybe I need to make more of an effort with that. That may possibly reassure her that she is the only for me and I appreciate her. She is a great woman, she cooks, cleans, goes above and beyond for me and the kids and honestly as a man couldn't ask for anything more so maybe I need to show her I appreciate all that she does.
> 
> With that said, it stresses me out to no end to bring up the two issues I've mentioned. When we're together I dread the possibility my ex will call because I know it's an automatic fight or my SO's mood will change from happy to upset. It happened this past weekend. Great weekend overall but Saturday night my ex calls and since we were sitting watching a movie, I didn't answer. Shortly after my son calls and says his mom needs to talk to me. It was 20 second conversation but after that my SO's mood automatically changed. I asked her what was wrong and she told me "You know I don't like when she calls" to which I answer "I have to talk to her, my kids are with her." So for a couple hours I had to deal with her pissy mood.
> 
> As for the hobby, she is part of it. She's at all my son's games, I tell her what goes on within the club but her issue is me going to club functions that my son doesn't go to. For example tryouts. I was asked to go to the tryouts to help for an age group that is older than my son's. But because my son didn't have to go, she said I shouldn't have to either.
> 
> I've had thoughts about calling the wedding off or postponing it but my kids adore this woman. Her family has accepted my kids as their own. It's going to be hard to find someone that cares for my kids like her and her family does. When you're single with kids, you can't just think of yourself, you have to make sure the person you pick is going to treat your kids right. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.


----------



## azimuth

Calling her mentally ill seems a bit extreme. The schedule for the child was set. The phone call was not an emergency. The mother had a last minute scheduling request that would be a convenience, not an unavoidable thing like missing practice or something. If he had let it go to voicemail no harm would have been done to the child or the child's participation in the activity.

OP: Texting in these cases would work better. The mother could text the request, you could glance at it and respond yes or no via text. Your attention wouldn't have been on this non-emergency at all.


----------



## wilson

She may actually want you to stand up to her and push back a little. She's acting childish, so maybe she wants you to act parental. When she gets in a snit because you had to talk to your ex, ask her to go cool off in another room because you're trying to enjoy the TV show. If she thinks coaching is taking too much time away from her, tell her to drop some of her hobbies and come to the practice with you. I don't think you should give an inch since I don't think you're being unreasonable about these things. I get the sense that if you give in, she'll keep demanding more and more. But if instead you act like you don't care, she may understand that won't work with you.

The next time she says she wants to call off the wedding, you should agree with her. Tell her that if she wants to leave that easily, then maybe marriage isn't the right thing for her. A lifelong marriage is going to be filed with ups and downs and you don't want a partner who will split when it gets hard.


----------



## Lila

SF-FAN said:


> Lostinthought61 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So the bottom line is that you are going to just suck it up and go through with it. please tell me you have a pre-nup at least
> 
> 
> 
> I'll go through with it if we can work these issues out. The wedding is in 4 months so we're in the late stages of planning it. Her family has paid for most of it so they'd be out the money if it gets cancelled or postponed. She has a lot more to lose than me so pre-nup is not an issue for me. I own nothing. Her family owns a huge business, several houses and property. A pre-nup is the least of my worries.
Click to expand...

I think it's important to work through your issues together. Having said that, if you can't get over these bumps then end the relationship free and clear. She is 30 years old. Do not string her along. She's still young enough to find another partner for marriage, one more compatible with her.


----------



## SF-FAN

wilson said:


> She may actually want you to stand up to her and push back a little. She's acting childish, so maybe she wants you to act parental. When she gets in a snit because you had to talk to your ex, ask her to go cool off in another room because you're trying to enjoy the TV show. If she thinks coaching is taking too much time away from her, tell her to drop some of her hobbies and come to the practice with you. I don't think you should give an inch since I don't think you're being unreasonable about these things. I get the sense that if you give in, she'll keep demanding more and more. But if instead you act like you don't care, she may understand that won't work with you.
> 
> The next time she says she wants to call off the wedding, you should agree with her. Tell her that if she wants to leave that easily, then maybe marriage isn't the right thing for her. A lifelong marriage is going to be filed with ups and downs and you don't want a partner who will split when it gets hard.


She's mentioned before that if I continue taking my ex's phone calls it will lead to our breakup. I've told her and showed her that it's only about the kids and not very often so that's not something a mature couple should break up about. But if she continues to threaten break-up, I may just give her her way. I would understand if my ex and I spoke daily and about non-kid related things but we don't and never have. I'm transparent about everything.



Lila said:


> I think it's important to work through your issues together. Having said that, if you can't get over these bumps then end the relationship free and clear. She is 30 years old. Do not string her along. She's still young enough to find another partner for marriage, one more compatible with her.


I'm not stringing her along. However, I feel she has this idea of marriage and family that a guy with kids from a previous relationship can't fulfill. She probably should have gotten with a guy that has no ties to his ex and no kids, and no interests outside of the marriage.


----------



## SF-FAN

MEM2020 said:


> She is aggressively trying to disrupt your co parenting because she doesn’t give a crap about your child.
> 
> This is mental illness and it is not treatable. She isn’t large about to harm you, but she might eventually try to harm you kid.


Yeah that's completely wrong. She loves my kids and goes above and beyond for them. My kids love spending time with her, sometimes more than their own mom.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

SF-FAN said:


> *She's mentioned before that if I continue taking my ex's phone calls it will lead to our breakup. I've told her and showed her that it's only about the kids and not very often so that's not something a mature couple should break up about.* But if she continues to threaten break-up, I may just give her her way. I would understand if my ex and I spoke daily and about non-kid related things but we don't and never have. I'm transparent about everything.


Yeah, THIS is not cool at all. XW is the mother of your children, she is not going to just suddenly go away. I feel like even if you stopped taking her calls live, your fiance would STILL give you hell if you returned a text or email to her. How in the world does she think parenting works, anyway? Trust me, no one hates ex wives more than I do, and even I think she is waayyy out of line! You are lucky to have an amicable coparenting relationship with your ex, it makes things so much better for your kids and life much easier for you. 




SF-FAN said:


> I'm not stringing her along. However, I feel she has this idea of marriage and family that a guy with kids from a previous relationship can't fulfill. *She probably should have gotten with a guy that has no ties to his ex and no kids, and no interests outside of the marriage.*


I think you may be on the right track with this thought. If you and your ex were chatty and chummy, and if you didnt spend any time with your fiance because you were too busy with other hobbies, THEN she would have a hill to die on... as it stands, from what you describe, she currently does NOT.


----------



## MEM2020

Sure she loves your kids, save for the attempt to excise their mother from your life like a cancerous tumor. 

She will break up with you unless you ice your ex, and ice any outside activities that don’t include her. 

She’s may be overflowing with love, provided it is absolutely and entirely on her own terms. 






SF-FAN said:


> Yeah that's completely wrong. She loves my kids and goes above and beyond for them. My kids love spending time with her, sometimes more than their own mom.


----------



## Lila

SF-FAN said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think it's important to work through your issues together. Having said that, if you can't get over these bumps then end the relationship free and clear. She is 30 years old. Do not string her along. She's still young enough to find another partner for marriage, one more compatible with her.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not stringing her along. However, I feel she has this idea of marriage and family that a guy with kids from a previous relationship can't fulfill. She probably should have gotten with a guy that has no ties to his ex and no kids, and no interests outside of the marriage.
Click to expand...

So if you feel she has needs that you'll never fulfill.....why are you still with her?

I'm not saying you're the bad guy but at the same time you are with someone who you know has insecurities and is somewhat immature. She's not perfect, no one is. 

These issues do not have a high probability of changing any time soon if at all. You need to decide if her positive qualities outweigh her negative ones. If you think they do, then you need to figure out ways to COPE with her negative ones. If you think they don't, then you need to LEAVE. Do not fence sit.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

People who feel threatened will hasten to fight or flight... only those willing to put in the effort and find the balance understand it is only fear (inside) and not danger (outside) that is in the way of harming the relationship.

Fear is always on our own terms...


----------



## SF-FAN

Lila said:


> So if you feel she has needs that you'll never fulfill.....why are you still with her?
> 
> I'm not saying you're the bad guy but at the same time you are with someone who you know has insecurities and is somewhat immature. *She's not perfect, no one is. *
> 
> These issues do not have a high probability of changing any time soon if at all. You need to decide if her positive qualities outweigh her negative ones. If you think they do, then you need to figure out ways to COPE with her negative ones. If you think they don't, then you need to LEAVE. Do not fence sit.


Exactly, no one is perfect. So I am chalking it up to a little immaturity and lack of relationship experience. To me that is no reason to dump a great and good-hearted person. Keep in mind she was not like this at the beginning so maybe now that things are serious she's trying to lay ground rules that may seem a bit outrageous. If things keep going the way they're going a break-up is inevitable. I'm not fighting it, I'm just trying to work through something I feel doesn't warrant a break-up. We shall see if she reciprocates.


----------



## Blondilocks

"My ex doesn't give me crap if I don't answer the phone when she calls so I'm not always available for her and if I'm busy I won't answer so that's not a big deal *but if I am available I answer the phone for everyone*, and I'd say 95% of our conversations are through text and even texts are minimal. The minimal phone conversations about the kids are usually in front of my SO, I have nothing to hide."

OK, do you think your fiancee may be struggling to feel that she has your undivided attention at times? Would it be so ham-stringing to just not answer the phone when the two of you are canoodling on the sofa or enjoying couple time? The world isn't going to end if you don't take everyone's calls just because you can. Would you actually be able to place your phone out of reach?

Why do you have this need to answer every phone call? Maybe the problem isn't your ex or your extracurricular activities or your kids...maybe it's your obsession with the phone. Just a thought.


----------



## SF-FAN

3Xnocharm said:


> Yeah, THIS is not cool at all. XW is the mother of your children, she is not going to just suddenly go away. I feel like even if you stopped taking her calls live, your fiance would STILL give you hell if you returned a text or email to her. How in the world does she think parenting works, anyway? Trust me, no one hates ex wives more than I do, and even I think she is waayyy out of line! You are lucky to have an amicable coparenting relationship with your ex, it makes things so much better for your kids and life much easier for you.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I think you may be on the right track with this thought. If you and your ex were chatty and chummy, and if you didnt spend any time with your fiance because you were too busy with other hobbies, THEN she would have a hill to die on... as it stands, from what you describe, she currently does NOT.


My SO feels that my kids 18, 16 and 13 are old enough to where I can communicate with them without the need to communicate with their mother. I can and do but there are issues I have to discuss with her directly. 

What's funny is that when we're apart and I mention that the kids' mom called, SO is ok with it but if we're together and it happens, her mood immediately changes.


----------



## SF-FAN

Blondilocks said:


> "My ex doesn't give me crap if I don't answer the phone when she calls so I'm not always available for her and if I'm busy I won't answer so that's not a big deal *but if I am available I answer the phone for everyone*, and I'd say 95% of our conversations are through text and even texts are minimal. The minimal phone conversations about the kids are usually in front of my SO, I have nothing to hide."
> 
> OK, do you think your fiancee may be struggling to feel that she has your undivided attention at times? Would it be so ham-stringing to just not answer the phone when the two of you are canoodling on the sofa or enjoying couple time? The world isn't going to end if you don't take everyone's calls just because you can. Would you actually be able to place your phone out of reach?
> 
> Why do you have this need to answer every phone call? Maybe the problem isn't your ex or your extracurricular activities or your kids...maybe it's your obsession with the phone. Just a thought.


Nope, not at all. I am not on social media so I am not on my phone at all and don't get many calls, however, if I have my phone on me and I do get a call and am available I answer it. Otherwise, I don't. As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I didn't answer the phone this weekend when my ex called but then my son called shortly after. I don't care what you say but I'm going to answer the phone for my kids any time they call and I'm able to.


----------



## Blondilocks

OK, you win. You're an angel and your fiancee is an unreasonable, immature jerk. You don't intend to meet her half-way so just go your own way and let her go hers.


----------



## wilson

The thing that concerns me is I don't see this as just an issue about the ex calling or time spent on hobbies. I see this as an issue of her having a controlling personality. Even if the ex didn't call and you weren't a coach, I have a feeling she would be complaining about other things in a similar way. "Why do you answer the phone from your boss on the weekend?" "Why are you reading a book instead of washing the windows?" It's that kind of stuff you have to look out for and think about if this is a normal pattern for her. Consider if she's complaining about something that's reasonable, or whether she's complaining because she wants control over everything.

Also keep in mind that the first year or two of a relationship is typically the time when the relationship is good because there's a lot of feel-good chemicals being produced. Once those fade, more of the true personality comes out. My thought is that this kind of personality would tend to ramp up the longer the relationship goes on. To combat that, make sure you push back appropriately. It may never go away, but there's a lot you can do to make sure it doesn't get out of control.


----------



## ConanHub

SF-FAN said:


> My SO feels that my kids 18, 16 and 13 are old enough to where I can communicate with them without the need to communicate with their mother. I can and do but there are issues I have to discuss with her directly.
> 
> What's funny is that when we're apart and I mention that the kids' mom called, SO is ok with it but if we're together and it happens, her mood immediately changes.


I suspected this. She just doesn't want anything personal to do with your ex.

I understand those feelings. Maybe try to avoid your ex calling when you are with your lady and make sure her calls or texts are on a schedule and adhered to.

Your ex should not be able to call you just anytime.


----------



## SF-FAN

Blondilocks said:


> OK, you win. You're an angel and your fiancee is an unreasonable, immature jerk. You don't intend to meet her half-way so just go your own way and let her go hers.


I'm definitely not an angel but I'm doing everything I can to make my SO feel like she is in the loop when it comes to me and my ex co-parenting. Short of telling my ex not to call me at all or having my SO deal with my ex directly (which would make me really look pxxsy whipped) there's not much more I can do.


----------



## Lila

SF-FAN said:


> Exactly, no one is perfect. So I am chalking it up to a little immaturity and lack of relationship experience. To me that is no reason to dump a great and good-hearted person. Keep in mind she was not like this at the beginning so maybe now that things are serious she's trying to lay ground rules that may seem a bit outrageous. If things keep going the way they're going a break-up is inevitable. I'm not fighting it, I'm just trying to work through something I feel doesn't warrant a break-up. We shall see if she reciprocates.


I think you are right in sticking with her especially if she's a good person. Your kids are practically grown (18, 16, and 13). I expect that you are within 2 years of having minimal (like once a month) conversations with the ex.


----------



## SF-FAN

ConanHub said:


> I suspected this. She just doesn't want anything personal to do with your ex.
> 
> I understand those feelings. Maybe try to avoid your ex calling when you are with your lady and make sure her calls or texts are on a schedule and adhered to.
> 
> Your ex should not be able to call you just anytime.


There's some truth to that but I can't "schedule" calls or texts with my ex. They are already sparse as it is so we only really contact each other when it has to do with the kids schedules, health, activities, school or behavior. If I need to talk to my ex urgently about one of the kids, I'm not waiting hours just because it's not the time of my scheduled call. I don't expect that from my ex either. I already hate the fact that I am without my kids for days at a time, I want to know immediately if there's something having to do with my kids.


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## SF-FAN

wilson said:


> The thing that concerns me is I don't see this as just an issue about the ex calling or time spent on hobbies. I see this as an issue of her having a controlling personality. Even if the ex didn't call and you weren't a coach, I have a feeling she would be complaining about other things in a similar way. "Why do you answer the phone from your boss on the weekend?" "Why are you reading a book instead of washing the windows?" It's that kind of stuff you have to look out for and think about if this is a normal pattern for her. Consider if she's complaining about something that's reasonable, or whether she's complaining because she wants control over everything.
> 
> Also keep in mind that the first year or two of a relationship is typically the time when the relationship is good because there's a lot of feel-good chemicals being produced. Once those fade, more of the true personality comes out. My thought is that this kind of personality would tend to ramp up the longer the relationship goes on. To combat that, make sure you push back appropriately. It may never go away, but there's a lot you can do to make sure it doesn't get out of control.


I don't know if I'm making her come off as a bad person because she's really not. She's a great-hearted, quiet girl but she is clingy at times, insecure and wants to have the "all american family" where we all sit down to dinner at the same time and we don't get interrupted by exes. That's great and all but that's not going to happen every night especially with kids doing sports and the kids being from a previous marriage and the mom very much in the picture.


----------



## ConanHub

SF-FAN said:


> There's some truth to that but I can't "schedule" calls or texts with my ex. They are already sparse as it is so we only really contact each other when it has to do with the kids schedules, health, activities, school or behavior. If I need to talk to my ex urgently about one of the kids, I'm not waiting hours just because it's not the time of my scheduled call. I don't expect that from my ex either. I already hate the fact that I am without my kids for days at a time, I want to know immediately if there's something having to do with my kids.


You might need to change that dynamic a bit. Your fiance needs your absolute commitment and you will be making a new family unit with her. Your family with her must take priority.

I think she has some legitimate concerns.


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## SF-FAN

ConanHub said:


> You might need to change that dynamic a bit. Your fiance needs your absolute commitment and you will be making a new family unit with her. Your family with her must take priority.
> 
> I think she has some legitimate concerns.


I'm taking her concerns very seriously and am putting myself in her shoes. She has a son and her ex is not in the picture and never has been. But if he was and they had to communicate for her son I'd be ok with it. If my ex and I talked daily, text all the time and I was hiding things from SO then she'd have every right to have me set boundaries but that's not the case at all. When the ex doesn't have the kids and they're with me I don't hear from her at all for the most part. When the kids are with her is when she will contact me if necessary. Taking into account that I have kids from a previous marriage, what more could my SO want in terms of me dealing with my ex.


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## SF-FAN

So the root of the issue came up yesterday. I am taking my son out of town for a sports tournament and SO can't go due to a previously scheduled family event. SO has been somewhat giving me a guilt trip over it but yesterday she came out and told me she doesn't like the fact that my ex is going. That if my ex wasn't going she'd be completely ok with it. Now mind you my ex is going with her own husband and his daughters. They are staying in a completely different hotel which I don't know where and we will only likely see each other at the games. 

She went on to tell me that she didn't like the fact that the ex has to go to my kids' events. I told my SO that that is like someone having a problem with SO attending her own son's sporting events. SO immediately got mad and told me to stop defending my ex. I wasn't defending, I was just stating facts. My son's mom, whether I hate her, or am indifferent to her, has every right to go to his events. There's absolutely nothing I can do about that. SO getting mad at me for that or taking it out on me is ridiculous. Afterwards she said she won't "put up" with it for long. I don't know what she is "putting up" with. I cannot erase my ex from my son's life so I don't understand how I can possibly make the situation better.

Long story short, SO said that this weekend apart will help us realize what we want and that maybe she is not ready for marriage. We shall see.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

SF-FAN said:


> So the root of the issue came up yesterday. I am taking my son out of town for a sports tournament and SO can't go due to a previously scheduled family event. SO has been somewhat giving me a guilt trip over it but yesterday she came out and told me she doesn't like the fact that my ex is going. That if my ex wasn't going she'd be completely ok with it. Now mind you my ex is going with her own husband and his daughters. They are staying in a completely different hotel which I don't know where and we will only likely see each other at the games.
> 
> She went on to tell me that she didn't like the fact that the ex has to go to my kids' events. I told my SO that that is like someone having a problem with SO attending her own son's sporting events. SO immediately got mad and told me to stop defending my ex. I wasn't defending, I was just stating facts. My son's mom, whether I hate her, or am indifferent to her, has every right to go to his events. There's absolutely nothing I can do about that. SO getting mad at me for that or taking it out on me is ridiculous. Afterwards she said she won't "put up" with it for long. I don't know what she is "putting up" with. I cannot erase my ex from my son's life so I don't understand how I can possibly make the situation better.
> 
> Long story short, SO said that this weekend apart will help us realize what we want and that maybe she is not ready for marriage. We shall see.


Wow, that sure blew up. We used to travel for my daughter's competitive cheer team, and I used to see families like this all the time... parents who are exes, both there but separate with their significant others. (my ex never went to anything, so I never had to deal) I think it shows good parenting that everyone shows up. What a shame she is making an issue of this, she is making herself miserable.


----------



## SF-FAN

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, that sure blew up. We used to travel for my daughter's competitive cheer team, and I used to see families like this all the time... parents who are exes, both there but separate with their significant others. (my ex never went to anything, so I never had to deal) I think it shows good parenting that everyone shows up. What a shame she is making an issue of this, she is making herself miserable.


I don't understand why she is so threatened by my ex. My ex has never spoken to me verbally or through text in any form that would be inappropriate. Everything has been about the kids and transparent. My ex is married, has her own step-kids to deal with. The only thing I can think of is that my ex is thin and attractive and my SO is insecure about her looks. My SO is attractive herself, just not as thin as my ex but I've made it clear to my SO that there's nothing to worry about. My ex cheated on me and is an ugly person inside for what she did. I'd never go back to something like that. 

There's also a girl that is a mutual acquaintance of mine and SO and she's a very pretty girl but I only knew her through other people, not a deep friendship at all. Well SO hates her too for no reason at all and makes comments calling her my "girlfriend." SO has said she's insecure but I do call her beautiful, have complimented her more, been affectionate but I'm not going to lie, when she gets in her moods it is hard to. Her jealousy and insecurity show often and sometimes it's set off by the smallest things.


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## wilson

SF-FAN said:


> SO has been somewhat giving me a guilt trip over it but yesterday she came out and told me she doesn't like the fact that my ex is going.


At the root of it, this is her problem to deal with. And it sounds like she's jealous of any attractive woman you deal with. Somehow she's going to have to come to terms with the fact that attractive women exist in the world and that you will have to interact with them from time to time. If she is assuming that you're going to have affairs with them or that you can't control yourself, that is something for her to work through. 

Probably some couples counseling would be good. If you go, don't focus only on your ex or this other woman you've mentioned. Try to solve the problem in general rather than trying to get her to be okay with just these 2 women she's jealous of.


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## MEM2020

SF,
This is a highly personal choice. She feels threatened by any activity that doesn’t include her. And yes, if your ex wife is present, that makes it worse. But even if your ex wife is not a participant, your fiancée hates the idea of you having your own activities. 

Unless she is willing to resolve this in therapy, you will need to largely give up any real autonomy in your life. 

And usually people like this are intensely resistant to therapy. They feel that the source of their problems is external and that the external sources need to change. 

If you rate emotional conflict from 1-10, a 10 is when you are threatening to end the relationship. The fact that she is doing so, over her own phobias (and that is what this is) one of your ex wife (who is remarried and not pursuing you) and the other of harmless outside activities, shows a strong lack of self awareness. 







SF-FAN said:


> During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. I can understand if I was choosing my friends over her or was going out every night and not coming back until late but I'm involved in my son's sporting activities and I enjoy it so from time to time I may have to meet with other parents that volunteer their time also. I don't see anything wrong with that but I can't make her understand that it's not such a bad thing.
> 
> I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer but when I mentioned going she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?" so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."


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## MEM2020

If she wants to marry you, she will agree to counseling. Be prepared for her to fire the counselor as soon as they challenge any of her behavior. After she has fired 2-3 counselors in a row she will tell you that: counseling is a waste of time or money or ....

If you marry her, she will take that as approval of her overall behavior. Including this stuff. 





SF-FAN said:


> I don't understand why she is so threatened by my ex. My ex has never spoken to me verbally or through text in any form that would be inappropriate. Everything has been about the kids and transparent. My ex is married, has her own step-kids to deal with. The only thing I can think of is that my ex is thin and attractive and my SO is insecure about her looks. My SO is attractive herself, just not as thin as my ex but I've made it clear to my SO that there's nothing to worry about. My ex cheated on me and is an ugly person inside for what she did. I'd never go back to something like that.
> 
> There's also a girl that is a mutual acquaintance of mine and SO and she's a very pretty girl but I only knew her through other people, not a deep friendship at all. Well SO hates her too for no reason at all and makes comments calling her my "girlfriend." SO has said she's insecure but I do call her beautiful, have complimented her more, been affectionate but I'm not going to lie, when she gets in her moods it is hard to. Her jealousy and insecurity show often and sometimes it's set off by the smallest things.


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## azimuth

SF-FAN said:


> I don't understand why she is so threatened by my ex. My ex has never spoken to me verbally or through text in any form that would be inappropriate. Everything has been about the kids and transparent. My ex is married, has her own step-kids to deal with. The only thing I can think of is that my ex is thin and attractive and my SO is insecure about her looks. My SO is attractive herself, just not as thin as my ex but I've made it clear to my SO that there's nothing to worry about. My ex cheated on me and is an ugly person inside for what she did. I'd never go back to something like that.
> 
> There's also a girl that is a mutual acquaintance of mine and SO and she's a very pretty girl but I only knew her through other people, not a deep friendship at all. Well SO hates her too for no reason at all and makes comments calling her my "girlfriend." SO has said she's insecure but I do call her beautiful, have complimented her more, been affectionate but I'm not going to lie, when she gets in her moods it is hard to. Her jealousy and insecurity show often and sometimes it's set off by the smallest things.



Is your fiance the same woman who you wrote this thread about last September?

Was Cheated On Now Have Thoughts of Cheating Myself



> I have also developed thoughts of cheating on her with slimmer more attractive girls and I don't know why.


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## ConanHub

SF-FAN said:


> So the root of the issue came up yesterday. I am taking my son out of town for a sports tournament and SO can't go due to a previously scheduled family event. SO has been somewhat giving me a guilt trip over it but yesterday she came out and told me she doesn't like the fact that my ex is going. That if my ex wasn't going she'd be completely ok with it. Now mind you my ex is going with her own husband and his daughters. They are staying in a completely different hotel which I don't know where and we will only likely see each other at the games.
> 
> She went on to tell me that she didn't like the fact that the ex has to go to my kids' events. I told my SO that that is like someone having a problem with SO attending her own son's sporting events. SO immediately got mad and told me to stop defending my ex. I wasn't defending, I was just stating facts. My son's mom, whether I hate her, or am indifferent to her, has every right to go to his events. There's absolutely nothing I can do about that. SO getting mad at me for that or taking it out on me is ridiculous. Afterwards she said she won't "put up" with it for long. I don't know what she is "putting up" with. I cannot erase my ex from my son's life so I don't understand how I can possibly make the situation better.
> 
> Long story short, SO said that this weekend apart will help us realize what we want and that maybe she is not ready for marriage. We shall see.


That clears up a few things. I could tell she was insecure and jealous and didn't want anything to do with your ex but that level of insecurity just won't work.

Sorry to hear that. Looks like it is off because you aren't irresponsible and she wants you to behave that way towards your kids just to make her feel secure.


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## 3Xnocharm

azimuth said:


> Is your fiance the same woman who you wrote this thread about last September?
> 
> Was Cheated On Now Have Thoughts of Cheating Myself


I remember this thread. She has had this issue this whole time.


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## SF-FAN

azimuth said:


> Is your fiance the same woman who you wrote this thread about last September?
> 
> Was Cheated On Now Have Thoughts of Cheating Myself


Yes she is the same woman. 

She generally dislikes my ex and may have her valid reasons for it but at the end of the day my ex isn't going anywhere. My ex has pissed me off from time to time relating to things that have to do with the kids but since our divorce we've been largely civil and have learned to work things out so that the kids can have the best life possible with divorced parents. 

I'm sure the things that have pissed me off about my ex have also affected SO and that's understandable but at the end of the day I am not going to be hateful towards my ex because it will only affect my kids therefore even if I feel it, I don't make any hateful comments about her to anyone. Lately though SO has been making negative comments about my ex (never in front of the kids) only to me. I don't engage, I let her vent but I feel she would be ok or is maybe trying to cause problems with the civil relationship I have with my ex. Like if SO wants my ex and I to hate each other and not communicate whatsoever. That would be detrimental to the kids and very awkward at the kids' events. I am trying to keep things civil at all costs so that doesn't happen.

I have friends that are good friends with their exes and still hang out with their exes and new spouses and SO said she'd never want that. I don't know but the more I read the advice, the more I think that if something doesn't feel or sound right, I'm going to push back and if she wants out, she can leave.


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## farsidejunky

The repeated threat of breaking off the engagment can't be discounted.

She is using the threat to get her desired outcome.

It is not how a healthy adult behaves. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## SF-FAN

farsidejunky said:


> The repeated threat of breaking off the engagment can't be discounted.
> 
> She is using the threat to get her desired outcome.
> 
> It is not how a healthy adult behaves.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I'm not perfect, the situation isn't perfect but nowadays many, many families are blended and have to deal with ex's and co-parent. We don't have to be bffs with them but I also don't plan on being enemies. I feel we have a good balance and I think most people would want that but feel my SO wants us to be enemies with my ex. I could care less if I ever talk to my ex again but being enemies would affect my kids very negatively. That's where I'm going to have to draw the line. We'll see if it comes up again soon or how SO acts while I'm gone this weekend via texts and calls.


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## Blondilocks

SF-FAN said:


> *Yes she is the same woman.*
> 
> She generally dislikes my ex and may have her valid reasons for it but at the end of the day my ex isn't going anywhere. My ex has pissed me off from time to time relating to things that have to do with the kids but since our divorce we've been largely civil and have learned to work things out so that the kids can have the best life possible with divorced parents.
> 
> I'm sure the things that have pissed me off about my ex have also affected SO and that's understandable but at the end of the day I am not going to be hateful towards my ex because it will only affect my kids therefore even if I feel it, I don't make any hateful comments about her to anyone. Lately though SO has been making negative comments about my ex (never in front of the kids) only to me. I don't engage, I let her vent but I feel she would be ok or is maybe trying to cause problems with the civil relationship I have with my ex. Like if SO wants my ex and I to hate each other and not communicate whatsoever. That would be detrimental to the kids and very awkward at the kids' events. I am trying to keep things civil at all costs so that doesn't happen.
> 
> I have friends that are good friends with their exes and still hang out with their exes and new spouses and SO said she'd never want that. I don't know but the more I read the advice, the more I think that if something doesn't feel or sound right, I'm going to push back and if she wants out, she can leave.


Well, then, it seems that your fiancee has never felt that you were crazy about her and she's right - she feels it but hasn't had it confirmed by you. It's no wonder that she's all nuts over you finding other women attractive - because you do. The fact that you do isn't the problem - the problem is the fact that you don't make her feel #1.

Look, I don't know why a woman in her 30s wants to marry a guy in his 40s with no assets; but, she must have her reasons. She would do much better marrying a guy her own age and building their assets together. Do her a favor and call off the relationship. That will allow her to find someone who meets her needs and you can find some slim woman who meets yours.


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## aaarghdub

Definitely not ready for marriage. You had hobbies before so there is no need to stop that but I wouldn’t get more involved though if I were you. Doing so does send the message that you are choosing something outside the marriage.

In terms of the reaction from your SO towards the Ex, that does have to be fixed. She needs to realize that you HAVE to communicate with her and it’s not a case of you WANTING to. Blended families have the hardest go at remarriage. Why? Because you’ve come into a situation where you have no say (besides being there) but it directly effects you. She has no say that you had a family before her but it takes away from her. She has no legal say in discipline, child support, custody-sharing, etc. it’s different because her ex is out of the picture so there is no “other life” to be blended in.

If she’s insecure, as the OP mentioned, you bet she’s gonna see this as a competition-thing. My wife was like this at the beginning of our marriage especially when she didn’t have a job or any hobbies. To this day, my W does not like the fact I was married before. She’s never met my Ex, we haven’t spoken since before my wife and I have been together but it still bothers her that she wasn’t the first and only. 

A phone call from my boss can ruin the mood just like a call from OPs Ex. Everyone has a number or email address that will generate a visceral reaction. It’s life. Some people just don’t like being in a position where they can have attention taken away from them by someone else... be it an ex, a boss, client, or patient.

Please get some pre martial counseling!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

She's telling you this is who she is and not to expect her to change.


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## Young at Heart

SF-FAN said:


> During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. ......


You should really have a huge conversation about this, because if your marriage is to last, there will be a lot of change.

You combined kids are going to grow up, hopefully move out, get married, provide you with grandchildren. Your lives are going to CHANGE.

If you are lucky you will grow old together and have to adjust to each other's aging, medical conditions, and loss of energy. Life is all about change, and addressing it with a positive attitude.

God luck.


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## SF-FAN

Blondilocks said:


> Well, then, it seems that your fiancee has never felt that you were crazy about her and she's right - she feels it but hasn't had it confirmed by you. It's no wonder that she's all nuts over you finding other women attractive - because you do. The fact that you do isn't the problem - the problem is the fact that you don't make her feel #1.
> 
> Look, I don't know why a woman in her 30s wants to marry a guy in his 40s with no assets; but, she must have her reasons. She would do much better marrying a guy her own age and building their assets together. Do her a favor and call off the relationship. That will allow her to find someone who meets her needs and you can find some slim woman who meets yours.


You're bringing my last thread into this and there's a reason I didn't post this in there. I don't feel the way I did then. I've gotten to know her as a person, I do find her attractive, she's a great woman, great cook, great provider, great to my kids, is the kind of person to grow old with and have as a support system. To answer your question, I don't know why a 30 yr. old would go for a 40 yr. old with baggage regardless of assets. Of course I find other women attractive, every straight man does. All women find other men attractive too but that's not what this thread is about. I am who I am and accept her with her baggage and try to be a good man to her. If she feels she is looking for something else, I would not stand in her way but for her to try to manipulate my situation that I came into our relationship with, is not right.


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## SF-FAN

She's just been getting mad way to easy especially when it comes to my son's sports schedule. The coach changed the days to where it's on opposite days from when her son practices so she got mad at me for it. Gave me grief the whole weekend and gave me a guilt trip about being gone with my son to his sports event. I have been more affectionate, more loving, more engaged to show her she is appreciated and that I find her attractive but she's still quick to anger. I don't know but it's really wearing on me. I hate arguing and seems like it's happening daily. I'm over it.


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## farsidejunky

These are defining moments, SF.

She does not deal well with adversity...and her go-to is to take it out on you.

Now...some people can handle this dynamic, and some people can't. Furthermore, some people refuse to. 

You, my friend, strike me as the type that does not handle it well. I am not saying that to be mean...but to be honest.

I think marrying her would be a mistake. Deep down, I think your gut knows it too.

But I think you are going to do it anyway.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman

Only read the first and last page, but the advice sounds pretty good. Don't blow this off, it is not small. The good news is you're talking to each other. You ought to try counseling, but if she doesn't change her attitude about your ex and having some time for a hobby, don't marry her.


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## Mr.Married

Anything weather it be a new job with females involved, exposure to an ex, out side friends that pull your time, or even your mother can be a trigger for an insecure woman.

The lengths a woman will go to in order to protect her security is limitless pending the depth of her insecurities.

The problem is not your ex ...... you are hearing the words but not getting the message.


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## wilson

I feel her need to control you is too ingrained in her and won't change. Counseling may help with some short-term changes, but I expect her to go back to her usual ways soon enough. These kinds of insecure feelings come from deep down and won't simply go away. I can only see going ahead with the relationship if you don't mind being with this kind of woman and complying with her demands.

Keep in mind that these kinds of relationship issues often get worse as time goes on. Early on people are on their best behavior, but after a few years of marriage they are their normal selves. If she's like this leading up to the marriage--presumably when she doesn't want to you back out--how is she going to be after you're married when you're locked in?


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## SF-FAN

Here's the thing. I've put my foot down. I've told her what I want to do for my son and that I have to talk to my ex sometimes. She knows it, whether she likes it is a different story but she knows I'm not backing down. I think her threats are empty but even still, I am not afraid of the wedding being called off. I'm not afraid of being alone again. I actually enjoyed it. It was lonely but there was no drama whatsoever. So I am going to be the best fiance I can be while not being controlled and if she's ok with that, we'll be ok and if not then I will be staying single.


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## EllisRedding

SF-FAN said:


> During our argument she mentioned that she doesn't like change. I can understand if I was choosing my friends over her or was going out every night and not coming back until late but I'm involved in my son's sporting activities and I enjoy it so from time to time I may have to meet with other parents that volunteer their time also. I don't see anything wrong with that but I can't make her understand that it's not such a bad thing.
> 
> I don't want to call things off because she is a great woman and treats my kids great but this particular issue is making me miserable. *For example today they are having tryouts for an older age group than my son's so he doesn't have to go but I was asked to volunteer but when I mentioned going *she gave me a stern look and said "you don't want me to get upset do you?" so needless to say I feel like a kid that has to ask permission and was told "no."


OK, I am going to break ranks here a little. I am a big proponent of having your own hobbies. I work out 5 times a week and play softball one day a week. However, I have it set so that it takes minimal time away from being with my W b/c that time is already severely limited with our kids/schedule. So, I think you should continue with your hobbies, especially those which involve doing with your kids. However, given you know the issues your fiancee has, I think the bolded is pushing it since it does not involve your kids. I don't agree with her response, but I would also say you should have thought a little more clearly about that. It is about working together and making compromises. I didn't get a chance to read the entire thread, but I do hope you are putting in the same effort to spend time with your fiancee as you are with your hobbies.

I definitely think MC is a must before either of you agrees to go through with the wedding.

The other stuff regarding her and your Ex ... I keep hearing "Danger Will Robinson"...


----------



## aine

SF-FAN said:


> You're bringing my last thread into this and there's a reason I didn't post this in there. I don't feel the way I did then. I've gotten to know her as a person, I do find her attractive, she's a great woman, great cook, great provider, great to my kids, is the kind of person to grow old with and have as a support system. To answer your question, I don't know why a 30 yr. old would go for a 40 yr. old with baggage regardless of assets. Of course I find other women attractive, every straight man does. All women find other men attractive too but that's not what this thread is about. I am who I am and accept her with her baggage and try to be a good man to her. If she feels she is looking for something else, I would not stand in her way but for her to try to manipulate my situation that I came into our relationship with, is not right.


She is incredibly insecure but I believe it’s because of how you treat her, she does not feel like number one in your life. Your list above could equally apply to a very good housekeeper not the love of your life. She knows it deep down. Further, it’s all about you. I think going through with this marriage will bring you both misery. Your other posts on her attractiveness, your hobbies, and this one on your ex wife say a lot. I think you are second guessing yourself and already know you don’t really want to marry her. Be honest with yourself and let her find someone who will truly be in love with her.


----------



## SF-FAN

EllisRedding said:


> OK, I am going to break ranks here a little. I am a big proponent of having your own hobbies. I work out 5 times a week and play softball one day a week. However, I have it set so that it takes minimal time away from being with my W b/c that time is already severely limited with our kids/schedule. So, I think you should continue with your hobbies, especially those which involve doing with your kids. However, given you know the issues your fiancee has, I think the bolded is pushing it since it does not involve your kids. I don't agree with her response, but I would also say you should have thought a little more clearly about that. It is about working together and making compromises. I didn't get a chance to read the entire thread, but I do hope you are putting in the same effort to spend time with your fiancee as you are with your hobbies.
> 
> I definitely think MC is a must before either of you agrees to go through with the wedding.
> 
> The other stuff regarding her and your Ex ... I keep hearing "Danger Will Robinson"...





aine said:


> She is incredibly insecure but I believe it’s because of how you treat her, she does not feel like number one in your life. Your list above could equally apply to a very good housekeeper not the love of your life. She knows it deep down. Further, it’s all about you. I think going through with this marriage will bring you both misery. Your other posts on her attractiveness, your hobbies, and this one on your ex wife say a lot. I think you are second guessing yourself and already know you don’t really want to marry her. Be honest with yourself and let her find someone who will truly be in love with her.


I believe both replies above are very insightful. This past weekend (and Monday) things got tough. We argued and weren't on the same page at all. Monday we almost called the wedding off. Her new issue is me giving my kids rides to places when it's not my week. For example, I take my son to practice each week regardless on if it's hi mother's time or mine. I don't do it to help out my ex, I do it to spend time with my son and because I enjoy watching him. My SO is of the mindset that his mom should be taking him on her week. When my kids are with their mom, I go the whole week without seeing them so I don't mind taking my son to practice so I can at least see him for that hour and a half. I don't see it as helping my ex out, I see it as an opportunity to see my son. My SO feels I'm helping my ex out and taking time away from her. 

I have a feeling this isn't the end of this so I may just tell her to find a guy with no children and no ex because I believe that's who would make her truly happy.


----------



## personofinterest

SF-FAN said:


> I believe both replies above are very insightful. This past weekend (and Monday) things got tough. We argued and weren't on the same page at all. Monday we almost called the wedding off. *Her new issue is me giving my kids rides to places when it's not my week.* For example, I take my son to practice each week regardless on if it's hi mother's time or mine. I don't do it to help out my ex, I do it to spend time with my son and because I enjoy watching him. My SO is of the mindset that his mom should be taking him on her week. When my kids are with their mom, I go the whole week without seeing them so I don't mind taking my son to practice so I can at least see him for that hour and a half. I don't see it as helping my ex out, I see it as an opportunity to see my son. My SO feels I'm helping my ex out and taking time away from her.
> 
> I have a feeling this isn't the end of this so I may just tell her to find a guy with no children and no ex because I believe that's who would make her truly happy.


Sorry, now she's just being petty and shrewish. I could care less if my husband gives his son extra rides. Anything for them to have more time together. She is sticking her nose where it down't belong.


----------



## wilson

SF-FAN said:


> I have a feeling this isn't the end of this so I may just tell her to find a guy with no children and no ex because I believe that's who would make her truly happy.


At a minimum, you need to call off the wedding until you feel you have this resolved. This kind of issue tends to get worse over time. The wedding is just a few months away and she could easily keep things bottled up and be on her best behavior until then. But then afterwards, she may start demanding total control over all your time and it would be that much harder to get out of the marriage.


----------



## Openminded

And yet the wedding keeps creeping closer and closer.


----------



## SF-FAN

personofinterest said:


> Sorry, now she's just being petty and shrewish. I could care less if my husband gives his son extra rides. Anything for them to have more time together. She is sticking her nose where it down't belong.


Well that's how I see it but she says that everyone she talks to sees her side - that I go above and beyond for my ex and that my ex needs to take more responsible by taking my son to practice. As I mentioned above, I don't do it to help out my ex, I do it because I enjoy watching my son and get to spend time with him especially during the week he's with his mom. 

On Sunday my ex's family was having a get together and my son asked if I could drop him off so I did. I was home not doing anything so no big deal to me. 10 minute drive. Well my SO was irate saying my ex should have come and picked up my son since she wanted him at her family event. How am I going to tell my son "no son, sorry, I'm not doing anything but your mom has to come pick you up." I don't get why stuff like that bothers my SO so much. If I was busy, obviously I wouldn't be able to take him but I wasn't. 

My ex and I are not close, we don't over-communicate, we don't do or say anything that would cross any lines. However, we do have to work together for the best interest of the kids. It shouldn't matter who's week it is, if one of them need a ride it shouldn't matter who provides the ride. Am I wrong in thinking that?


----------



## Openminded

No, you're not wrong but she absolutely thinks you are so there's no point in hoping she'll change. If anything, she'll get worse after you're married. You think you fight about this now? You wouldn't believe how much it will escalate once that ring's on her finger.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Openminded said:


> No, you're not wrong but she absolutely thinks you are so there's no point in hoping she'll change. If anything, she'll get worse after you're married. You think you fight about this now? You wouldn't believe how much it will escalate once that ring's on her finger.




Yep. You need to at least get that wedding postponed. You’re seeing all the signs but you are still frozen in place for some reason. This will all get worse, not better, if you marry her. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman

SF-FAN said:


> she says that everyone she talks to sees her side


In related news, The Check Is In the Mail.


----------



## pastasauce79

My FIL has been married 5 times, my MIL was his first wife. When he married his 2nd wife my husband was 4 years old. Both my MIL and and 2nd wife worked out a schedule that worked best for them and the kids. Having no drama between both women made a difference in the way my husband saw his parents divorce at the time. Long story short, my FIL cheated on both ex-wives but my husband is still close to both of them. He sees the 2nd ex-wife as his step mom, and stepmom (who has 2 kids from a previous marriage) loves him like a son. 

What do your kids think about this situation? (If they know, of course.)

I would say don't get married. She's not understanding your priorities as a loving father. Some people don't understand that divorce is between spouses not between parents and kids. You are always going to be a father, but you might not always be a husband or a boyfriend.... That is something that your girlfriend has to understand and be ok with, for the rest of her life (if she marries you.) Good luck with your decision.


----------



## SF-FAN

pastasauce79 said:


> My FIL has been married 5 times, my MIL was his first wife. When he married his 2nd wife my husband was 4 years old. Both my MIL and and 2nd wife worked out a schedule that worked best for them and the kids. Having no drama between both women made a difference in the way my husband saw his parents divorce at the time. Long story short, my FIL cheated on both ex-wives but my husband is still close to both of them. He sees the 2nd ex-wife as his step mom, and stepmom (who has 2 kids from a previous marriage) loves him like a son.
> 
> What do your kids think about this situation? (If they know, of course.)
> 
> I would say don't get married. She's not understanding your priorities as a loving father. Some people don't understand that divorce is between spouses not between parents and kids. You are always going to be a father, but you might not always be a husband or a boyfriend.... That is something that your girlfriend has to understand and be ok with, for the rest of her life (if she marries you.) Good luck with your decision.


Well my SO is very understanding except with the issues I've spoken about. The kids don't know about the issues, I don't know if it'd be a good idea if they did know. They love SO and she treats them very well, sometimes I feel like they enjoy spending time with SO more than with their own mom. The kids also love SO's family. That's one of the reasons that it would be hard if we did call off the marriage. I think the kids would take the break up hard. They've already gone through mine and my ex's D so I really have tried to protect them from further heartache. Another reason is that SO and her family have already spent a lot of money on the wedding planning. 

Bottom line if we can't get over these issues it's not going to work out and I'd be fine with it and move on but I know it'd have a lot of collateral damage.


----------



## Tron

SF-FAN said:


> Well that's how I see it but *she says that everyone she talks to sees her side* - that I go above and beyond for my ex and that my ex needs to take more responsible by taking my son to practice. As I mentioned above, I don't do it to help out my ex, I do it because I enjoy watching my son and get to spend time with him especially during the week he's with his mom.


Riiiiiiiiiight! 

"All my friends say I'm right and you're wrong". I love it when they pull this one out.

Kick her to the curb.



SF-FAN said:


> On Sunday my ex's family was having a get together and my son asked if I could drop him off so I did. I was home not doing anything so no big deal to me. 10 minute drive. Well my SO was irate saying my ex should have come and picked up my son since she wanted him at her family event. How am I going to tell my son "no son, sorry, I'm not doing anything but your mom has to come pick you up." I don't get why stuff like that bothers my SO so much. If I was busy, obviously I wouldn't be able to take him but I wasn't.


Is this any of her F'in business anyway?

Kick her to the curb.



SF-FAN said:


> My ex and I are not close, we don't over-communicate, we don't do or say anything that would cross any lines. However, we do have to work together for the best interest of the kids. It shouldn't matter who's week it is, if one of them need a ride it shouldn't matter who provides the ride. Am I wrong in thinking that?


No you are not wrong. Sooner than you know it the kids will be grown and gone.

And if you marry her, that won't make a damn bit of difference. She will still try and keep her thumb on you and you will still be living with this irrational B****.

Kick her to the curb.

BTW, why did her last H divorce her? Affair? Are you sure he wasn't just plain sick and tired of her ****?


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## 3Xnocharm

@SF-FAN, how are things going?


----------



## SF-FAN

3Xnocharm said:


> @SF-FAN, how are things going?


Things were going somewhat ok but have taken an ugly turn. 

The wedding is in a month and 7 days so planning and prepping is in high gear. My son got asked to play in a soccer tournament that is fairly close by a team that needs players so I asked him and he wanted to so I said yes. I'd get back late afternoon on both days. Well SO was furious saying that I should have known better because we have things to do for the wedding and that I should have consulted with her first. To put things into perspective, again, we have a month and 7 days wherein we have 3 full weekends (including labor day) along with evenings so I didn't see a big deal that my son play a couple games. We're at an impasse. She's now saying I don't take the wedding seriously and my priorities aren't straight and she's not sure she can start a marriage like that. That my son playing in a tournament takes me away from things I have to do for the wedding and puts extra stress on her. 

As a backstory, we just got back from a soccer tournament 10 hours away that her son participated in where we were gone for 4 days. And the weekend before that her son also played a soccer tournament.

Please be honest with me, am I being unreasonable in letting my son play in the tournament or should I have not even considered it knowing we have a wedding to prepare for?


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## Blondilocks

SF-FAN said:


> Things were going somewhat ok but have taken an ugly turn.
> 
> The wedding is in a month and 7 days so planning and prepping is in high gear. My son got asked to play in a soccer tournament that is fairly close by a team that needs players so I asked him and he wanted to so I said yes. I'd get back late afternoon on both days. Well SO was furious saying that I should have known better because we have things to do for the wedding and that I should have consulted with her first. To put things into perspective, again, we have a month and 7 days wherein we have 3 full weekends (including labor day) along with evenings so I didn't see a big deal that my son play a couple games. We're at an impasse. She's now saying I don't take the wedding seriously and my priorities aren't straight and she's not sure she can start a marriage like that. That my son playing in a tournament takes me away from things I have to do for the wedding and puts extra stress on her.
> 
> As a backstory, we just got back from a soccer tournament 10 hours away that her son participated in where we were gone for 4 days. And the weekend before that her son also played a soccer tournament.
> 
> Please be honest with me, am I being unreasonable in letting my son play in the tournament or should I have not even considered it knowing we have a wedding to prepare for?


If it was ok for her son then it is ok for your son. Why should your son be penalized? You need to call off this fiasco. The world doesn't stop rotating and *your* son's life doesn't get put on hold for her sole convenience. 

If you think it's ridiculous now, just wait - your life won't be worth living. Instead of threatening to call off the marriage whenever it strikes her fancy, she'll be threatening divorce.


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## farsidejunky

She's taking the relationship to the brink. She does this every time she wants something to go her way.

Do you think it'll be harder to untangle from her now...or after several years of marriage?

You know the answer to your question, brother. Now you just have to have the courage of your convictions.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## SF-FAN

Blondilocks said:


> If it was ok for her son then it is ok for your son. Why should your son be penalized? You need to call off this fiasco. The world doesn't stop rotating and *your* son's life doesn't get put on hold for her sole convenience.
> 
> If you think it's ridiculous now, just wait - your life won't be worth living. Instead of threatening to call off the marriage whenever it strikes her fancy, she'll be threatening divorce.


Reality is I'm not afraid of calling off the wedding for me, I know my kids will be devastated because they've become ingrained with her family. They may even take it harder than me. That's what I'm afraid of. They've already been through a divorce so I don't want to put them through something similar just when they've become part of a new family they love being around.



farsidejunky said:


> She's taking the relationship to the brink. She does this every time she wants something to go her way.
> 
> Do you think it'll be harder to untangle from her now...or after several years of marriage?
> 
> You know the answer to your question, brother. Now you just have to have the courage of your convictions.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I'm being reasonable about the situation. If she wants to end it, so be it. That way I don't look like the bad person "ruining the wedding." If she ends it, no one will care but if I do, I'll be the villain that broke her heart.


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## 3Xnocharm

No you are not wrong. So are you seriously going to go through with a wedding that you know shouldn’t happen just because you’re trying to spare OTHER people’s feelings? Really?? This isn’t about other people! Dude you need to snap out of it. I know it sucks but she is making it clear that being stuck with her is going to suck more! This is your life! Sure your kids may be disappointed if you cancel the wedding, but this is about you and your life partner. I think she will resent your kids for taking your time and that is a crappy thing to make them live with, and disrespectful to you. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

SF-FAN said:


> Reality is I'm not afraid of calling off the wedding for me, I know my kids will be devastated because they've become ingrained with her family. They may even take it harder than me. That's what I'm afraid of. They've already been through a divorce so I don't want to put them through something similar just when they've become part of a new family they love being around.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm being reasonable about the situation. If she wants to end it, so be it. That way I don't look like the bad person "ruining the wedding." If she ends it, no one will care but if I do, I'll be the villain that broke her heart.


Dig down and feel around and find those balls. They're in there somewhere. You're doing your kids a favor.


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## alte Dame

I think the sunk cost fallacy pretty much means that the wedding will happen. That being said, I think this is all about the ex. Your SO is hurt that you 'defend' the ex; you see your points as reasonable and not defensive of your ex, but your SO doestn't see it that way & is thus hurt. She thinks you are willing to go out of your way to accommodate the ex's feelings, but not hers.

I know from reading this that you don't agree. I'm just giving my opinion that her stance comes from insecurity and hurt feelings.

If you wind up going through with the wedding, you might consider couples counseling to deal with these few, but important and dealbreaking, issues.


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## aquarius1

Blondilocks said:


> If it was ok for her son then it is ok for your son. Why should your son be penalized? You need to call off this fiasco. The world doesn't stop rotating and *your* son's life doesn't get put on hold for her sole convenience.
> 
> If you think it's ridiculous now, just wait - your life won't be worth living. Instead of threatening to call off the marriage whenever it strikes her fancy, she'll be threatening divorce.


no. she won't threaten divorce. not right away. but I'm willing to bet real live money that his sex life will disappear until he "sees her point of view"


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## Tron

The word "shrew" comes to mind.

This will not end well for you...or your kids.

Find your balls, stand up for yourself and protect your kids. 

She either straightens her **** out before you make the commitment or you walk.


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## Openminded

In other words, she hasn't changed. Big surprise there. 

It's been obvious from the beginning that you couldn't/wouldn't call off the wedding. She uses the threat as a weapon to keep you in line but she doesn't really want to call it off either. What will happen? You'll marry her and she'll double-down. Hopefully, your children won't end up too damaged by having a step-mother who has different rules for them. Time will tell.


----------



## MattMatt

@SF-FAN My take from this? Her son is much more important that your son.

If you can live with this level of disrespect then, that's OK.

But after marriage, you *do *realise she may well get worse?


----------



## dadstartingover

SF-FAN said:


> Reality is I'm not afraid of calling off the wedding for me, I know my kids will be devastated because they've become ingrained with her family. They may even take it harder than me. That's what I'm afraid of. They've already been through a divorce so I don't want to put them through something similar just when they've become part of a new family they love being around.
> 
> I'm being reasonable about the situation. If she wants to end it, so be it. That way I don't look like the bad person "ruining the wedding." If she ends it, no one will care but if I do, I'll be the villain that broke her heart.


Successful guys (in all facets of life) recognize that standing up for yourself and doing the right thing means sometimes playing the bad guy and causing a lot of drama. They do it anyway. The alternative is a lot of regret and even bigger headaches down the line.


----------



## MEM2020

The post below is a huge mistake. 

The MAIN reason your fiancé is turning into a full blown aggressor is that you are being passive/responsive.

Time to sit her down and tell her you are postponing the wedding. She has already threatened to end the relationship multiple times over fairly minor stuff and you need to tell her that you two can either spend the next 6 months agreeing on the definition of marriage or part ways. 

Stop worrying about being the bad guy, and realize that she is trying to treat your son as a lesser member of the family because you are coming across as the ‘weak guy’.





SF-FAN said:


> Reality is I'm not afraid of calling off the wedding for me, I know my kids will be devastated because they've become ingrained with her family. They may even take it harder than me. That's what I'm afraid of. They've already been through a divorce so I don't want to put them through something similar just when they've become part of a new family they love being around.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm being reasonable about the situation. If she wants to end it, so be it. That way I don't look like the bad person "ruining the wedding." If she ends it, no one will care but if I do, I'll be the villain that broke her heart.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

Its so incredibly easy for many of us to arm-chair quarter back from the safety of an anonymous forum and say that you should not marry this person. 

I understand that in the heat of the situation, when you are on the receiving end of hugs and kisses and affection as well as the negative behaviors, its easy to feel that everything is more balanced than on here...when we all mostly just hear the negative things. 

I know this because of the situation I am in with my husband who cheated on me. It's a decision where you weigh out the good and the bad and how it affects not only yourself, but those around you that you care about as well. And that is the situation you are in now. You are worried for your children and how they will feel seeing another serious relationship perish. 

But brass tacks exposed, this joining does not sound like it will be one that will be long term successful. You can not 'make' her more confident or self-assured...and as time progresses, the things that trigger her behavior are going to keep stacking up. You can't compliment her into being a person with self-esteem. And anyone that utters the words out loud, 'You don't want to make me upset, do you?", is waving the red flag straight in your face. That is not a normal thing for someone to say to someone they are supposed to care about and cherish. In a normal relationship, your SO should be concerned with making your days easier on you, not more stringent In a normal relationship, your SO would not have a reason to doubt your feelings towards your ex. So whether you have created this doubt in her mind, or she has pulled it out of her previous emotional baggage...it is still not functional or healthy. 

And that is the core of it. Do you want your children to grow up seeing this control over you? Do you want them to see that it is normal for marriages to work like this? Because, as much as you think you are both hiding it, you will not much longer. Once the marriage vows are written, it will happen more and more and more. 

You SAY you don't want to call this off or put your children through this. But until you know that the two of you can work out your problems and communicate in a healthier manner, what you are really saying is, "I am going to put my children through another unhappy marriage simply because I don't want to rock the boat." 

Seriously....'You don't want to make me upset, do you?', that's just not dialog that healthy, normal couples have.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out

Oh, and I guess I should have mentioned...the reason my husband originally said he cheated on me? I was involved in too many hobbies, and he felt left out. So, I reckon you could say, your post struck a chord with me personally.


----------



## Openminded

You're not the first and won't be the last to go through with a wedding because you're afraid to look like the bad guy. Those marriages don't turn out well so another divorce is very likely in your future at some point. In the meantime, give your ex-wife full custody (with an explanation of why). That way your new wife won't be able to damage your children quite as much as she otherwise will. Good luck.


----------



## aquarius1

SF-FAN said:


> Reality is I'm not afraid of calling off the wedding for me, I know my kids will be devastated because they've become ingrained with her family. They may even take it harder than me. That's what I'm afraid of. They've already been through a divorce so I don't want to put them through something similar just when they've become part of a new family they love being around.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm being reasonable about the situation. If she wants to end it, so be it. That way I don't look like the bad person "ruining the wedding." If she ends it, no one will care but if I do, I'll be the villain that broke her heart.



Can I ask very bluntly. How do you KNOW that your kids will be devastated. Have you asked them? Don’t assume. 
They may be RELIEVED


----------



## Tron

Let me break this down...



SF-FAN said:


> Reality is I'm not afraid of calling off the wedding for me,


OK. Good.



SF-FAN said:


> I know my kids will be devastated because they've become ingrained with her family.


Not a good reason to marry a bad partner...and this soon-to-be wife IS a bad partner. Because when it comes to your kids, they are considered 2nd class citizens.

This just demonstrates very poor parenting. And you are bad parent for allowing it to happen.



SF-FAN said:


> They may even take it harder than me. That's what I'm afraid of.


Why? And so what? Not a good reason to marry this woman.



SF-FAN said:


> They've already been through a divorce so I don't want to put them through something similar just when they've become part of a new family they love being around.


Not a good reason to marry this woman. Because your second marriage to this woman looks like it is on the same trajectory as your last one. A lot of red flags and poor behavior does not make for a happy marriage or happy kids.



SF-FAN said:


> I'm being reasonable about the situation.


No you are not. The reasonable thing for you to do is call a stop to everything and either get her straightened out or get out. You don't go ahead with the marriage with all of tehse big question marks unanswered.



SF-FAN said:


> If she wants to end it, so be it.


Why is it her decision? You don't have a say in this?



SF-FAN said:


> That way I don't look like the bad person "ruining the wedding." If she ends it, no one will care but if I do, I'll be the villain that broke her heart.


Ohhhhhh...ok. I see. Appearances are more important to you than reality. Or the fact that she is incompatible with your kids. 

You wont be a villain by cancelling it when you tell everyone that you realized that you guys were incompatible. Even assuming you are correct...it's still better to break her heart now than to have her and by extension you, breaking your kids' hearts for the next decade. 

What is more important to you?


----------



## ReturntoZero

I would pound the table and echo Tron's sentiments.

Stepchildren are the Kryptonite of 2nd marriages.

If she is the type of person who would rate your kids 2nd, call it off. Hard stop.

Been there. Didn't call it off.

It was a mistake.


----------



## ReturntoZero

SF-FAN said:


> Things were going somewhat ok but have taken an ugly turn.
> 
> The wedding is in a month and 7 days so planning and prepping is in high gear. My son got asked to play in a soccer tournament that is fairly close by a team that needs players so I asked him and he wanted to so I said yes. I'd get back late afternoon on both days. Well SO was furious saying that I should have known better because we have things to do for the wedding and that I should have consulted with her first. To put things into perspective, again, we have a month and 7 days wherein we have 3 full weekends (including labor day) along with evenings so I didn't see a big deal that my son play a couple games. We're at an impasse. She's now saying I don't take the wedding seriously and my priorities aren't straight and she's not sure she can start a marriage like that. That my son playing in a tournament takes me away from things I have to do for the wedding and puts extra stress on her.
> 
> As a backstory, we just got back from a soccer tournament 10 hours away that her son participated in where we were gone for 4 days. And the weekend before that her son also played a soccer tournament.
> 
> Please be honest with me, am I being unreasonable in letting my son play in the tournament or should I have not even considered it knowing we have a wedding to prepare for?


Just checking.

Taking time to enrich the lives of "her children" wasn't a problem.

Only when the chlidren are yours.

Is this correct?


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## ReturntoZero

No response is a response.

Good luck dude.

You're going to need it.

And, your kids will end up seeing it and losing faith in you.

Her kids will hate you and they'll be "untouchable"

I've lived this.

Do yourself a favor and wake up now.


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## 3Xnocharm

@SF-FAN, I know it seems everyone is being harsh. But we all want to see you happy and succeeding in a marriage. So watching this train as it wrecks is making us all wave our arms, urgently trying to warn the person standing on the tracks. I do hope you come back to update, and really wish you luck.


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## lovelygirl

It's actually HEALTHIER to have hobbies / interests outside of marriage, so long as they don't interfere with the daily routine of the marriage. That being said, it depends on the type of hobby.

Yours is a great one, in my opinion. She should thank God you like to spend time with your son, rather than being out with your mates for drinks and hitting on other chicks. 



SF-FAN said:


> Well turns out that my fiance did not like that. According to her I shouldn't be taking on any new responsibilities since we are already too busy. We got into a pretty big argument and she almost called the wedding off because she says I'm being selfish. I've always been involved in my kids' sports and it doesn't take a ton of time from my schedule. I feel she's being clingy and selfish. I told her that it's healthy for a couple to have other interests and her response was that if that's the case we might as well stay single.


It's never "busy" when dealing with children and spending time with them. She's indeed being selfish and seeking more attention than necessary. She's being suffocating, in my opinion. 
She should be thankful to see you as a dedicated father, instead of neglecting your children or being irresponsible. 
I'd see this in a different light. I'd appreciated it, if I was her.


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## lovelygirl

SF-FAN said:


> Admittedly I can and should make more of an effort to compliment her and keep the romantic spark going, maybe I need to make more of an effort with that. That may possibly reassure her that she is the only for me and I appreciate her. *She is a great woman, she cooks, cleans, goes above and beyond for me and the kids and honestly as a man couldn't ask for anything more so maybe I need to show her I appreciate all that she does.*


Are you sexually attracted to her? I read between the lines but I don't get the feeling of you being _in love with her. _
Objectively she'd be a great wife, but subjectively you're not attracted to her as a woman. You see her as a wife-material but How about a partner material, beyond her cooking and being affectionate with the kids?
I'm afraid she's sensing what I sensed here, that she doesn't fully feel you're attracted/lusftul of her. You just see her as someone that checks the boxes for a stay-at-home person, the same way as a maid would be.



> With that said, it stresses me out to no end to bring up the two issues I've mentioned. When we're together I dread the possibility my ex will call because I know it's an automatic fight or my SO's mood will change from happy to upset. It happened this past weekend. Great weekend overall but Saturday night my ex calls and since we were sitting watching a movie, I didn't answer. Shortly after my son calls and says his mom needs to talk to me. It was 20 second conversation but after that my SO's mood automatically changed. I asked her what was wrong and she told me "You know I don't like when she calls" to which I answer "I have to talk to her, my kids are with her." So for a couple hours I had to deal with her pissy mood.


On the other hand, she's being immature and insecure. As long as your conversations with your ex are short and for the kids, I don't see anything wrong about you answering or calling her everytime you deem necessary.



> As for the hobby, she is part of it. She's at all my son's games, I tell her what goes on within the club but her issue is me going to club functions that my son doesn't go to. For example tryouts. I was asked to go to the tryouts to help for an age group that is older than my son's. But because my son didn't have to go, she said I shouldn't have to either.


She's being controlling. Immature and insecure. 



> I've had thoughts about calling the wedding off or postponing it but my kids adore this woman. Her family has accepted my kids as their own. It's going to be hard to find someone that cares for my kids like her and her family does. When you're single with kids, you can't just think of yourself, you have to make sure the person you pick is going to treat your kids right. So I'm between a rock and a hard place.


It's good to hear that your kids adore this woman and how her family treats them, but I'm repeating my questions:
Do you adore this woman? 
Do you see her beyond a woman who loves your kids? Are you sexually attracted to her? 
Are you marrying her because you're in love with her, or because she and her family love your kids?

Either of the options is NOT enough to maintain a healthy marriage. Therefore, BOTH of the options should be there for you to marry her and make the marriage fully functional. 

It wouldn't be enough to marry someone your kids love but you don't (as much) just as it wouldn't be enough to marry someone you truly love (but your kids don't).


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## lovelygirl

SF-FAN said:


> I'm 100% fine on my own and being single. After my D, I was single for a few years and enjoyed the freedom so I'd be fine. I do worry my kids would miss my SO and her family. They've grown to be part of them and really enjoy spending time with them. My fear is I'd be causing pain to my kids.


This confirms what I was thinking and kind of answers to the questions I laid above. 
You love her, but you're not in love with her. It's okay if you lose her and your kids would be more worried about her than you'd be.

While this is fine, I wonder if you're all up front and honest about your feelings with her. At least, don't give her any fake hope.


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## Spotthedeaddog

lovelygirl said:


> It's actually HEALTHIER to have hobbies / interests outside of marriage, so long as they don't interfere with the daily routine of the marriage. That being said, it depends on the type of hobby.


I disagree - it certainly is more convenient for the women, as then they can enjoy THEIR house without that annoy man-thing hanging around pestering him, and then when he's about banish him to the workshop, section, or video game console while she goes out and has her life. Only have to turn the trick a few times a week and even only once a month or less after a couple of years. 
Outside solo interests is a very convenient way to avoid a partner. Notably according to a book I haven't seen mentioned for a while, most men are actually seeking a female partner who is interested in sharing their hobby experiences (one might question a certain Mommy-issue involved, but best I not mention the possibility  )


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## lovelygirl

spotthedeaddog said:


> I disagree - it certainly is more convenient for the women, as then they can enjoy THEIR house without that annoy man-thing hanging around pestering him, and then when he's about banish him to the workshop, section, or video game console while she goes out and has her life. Only have to turn the trick a few times a week and even only once a month or less after a couple of years.


enjoy the house??? for chores?? WTF?? Sorry, I don't fit into that category and wouldn't want to be a SAHM.
I'm talking about quality time with SO and your hobbies. Simply put, balance is the key.


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## 3Xnocharm

@SF-FAN, just checking in on you.....


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## 3Xnocharm

Hey @SF-FAN how goes things?


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## Welsh15

Dude, time to man up and tell her what is non negotiable for you. She is super insecure and needs an attitude adjustment. Maybe time to call this wedding off if she is that inflexible and controlling. not one bit of what I heard from you should be a problem.


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