# For those of you who were in limbo



## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

how long did it take you before you made up your mind that you either wanted R or D?

I am 3 weeks post DDay. At first, I really wanted R. Now that I am firmly in the anger stage and feel that my whole being is a ball of rage 24/7, I don't even want to talk to him or be around him. If I never saw him again, I am thinking I would be completely fine with that. On the other hand, I don't want to make a rash decision, as I see he is trying somewhat (not as hard as I would like though) and he has been to IC every week. I also know that working through feelings and issues take time and in the back of my mind I am also wondering if there is any hope left of us getting back to the happy place where we once were. 

I know everyone is different but I was wondering how long it took you for your head to clear and for you to be comfortable making a decision one way or another? 

Thanks!

ST


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

There never was comfort making the decision, even so, the decision was not mine, it was made for me. 
Let yourself be angry, and sad, and let it get out. Dont do anything hurtful by any means, but know that your feelings have been experienced by everyone on this board in their own way. I am eight months past my discovery day, and have moments where I can barely see. I would get to a point where just being amicable and simply at peace, and find the other mans phone number written on the inside of her checkbook cover. things like this make it difficult to move past it all and reach "continued" comfort or peace or clarity.
Let me suggest you phone the counselor and ask if he's been every week.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There is no reason why you cannot pursue an ideal plan and a contingency plan simultaneously. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. If you are dealing with someone you don't trust, you owe it to yourself to have a contingency plan, even if you commit 100% to the marriage/relationship. It allows you the luxury of being able to trust, or at least moving forward with confidence.

Individual and couples therapy are separate from a visit to an attorney for a consultation and advice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

For me, it was 8 months past DDay. I was in the anger stage for a long time, with constant triggers. I have to admit that reading other peoples stories tended to trigger me somewhat. But my anger seemed to lessen over the holidays, that and she was meeting my requirements for R. So I decided to give her a shot at R. She only has this one shot, there will not be a second, and she knows this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It was like a battle in my head -- should we stay, should we go? I still was open to reconciliation but I did not sign the papers to withdraw the D petition. I sometimes think I should have and other times Idk if it was my pride or just maybe deep down I knwe it was too f-cked up. We divorced 2 months ago. It was prob for the best. He is now saying we could work it out but i can't lie... I have NEVER forgotten. And that is a problem. A big problem. My hat is off to anyone who can work through this.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

SecretTears said:


> how long did it take you before you made up your mind that you either wanted R or D?


I don't _want_ either. 

I don't _want_ my child to have a broken family and all of the pain that that comes with.

I don't _want_ to reconcile with a person who is capable of destroying their husband and submitting their child to unspeakable pain and anguish to satisfy the need to have butterflys in her stomach and see the world through a fantasy built of fairy tales and romance novels.

However...

I am here.

I think the question was when did I find peace with a decision that made itself, there was no other answer. When I cut through the smog and let it go?

The answer was when _I got there_.

No timeframe, no event.... When your soul _gets there_ you will know. The smog lifts, your eyes clear and you can tell yourself the truth. Whatever that may be.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I am so grateful to have you all. 




sammy


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I don't _want_ either.
> 
> I don't _want_ my child to have a broken family and all of the pain that that comes with.
> 
> ...




im with pit.

personally i want to reconcile. not only for my sake, but for my sons sake.
but she doesnt want it at this point. she wants the OM.
so the choice is made for separation. not what i want.

my logic side though has in a sense, moved on. i know the patterns. i know whatll happen. its just a matter of time. i know the fantasy theyve built up will come crashing down by the holidays.
and logically, im ready to move on without my wife if nescassary.

its the emotional side thats screwing me up..

damn wish i was a vulcan.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm at 35 days post DDay and I have still not emotionally decided either way. I am with P-O-M-S, the well-being and happiness of my child is absolutely a primary force in any net decision.

I suppose I am 'fortunate' (ha) in that she very much wants R, doing everything it takes and more. Sadly, I too *want* R, but do not know if it really exists in terms that I can accept. I don't know that I have it in me to live with this for the rest of my life. I just do not know, and I hate not knowing. The simple fact is there is no 'erase' button, and that's what I keep ridiculously searching for, which of course is a death spiral. So every day I beat that need back down and try to start dealing with the new reality... but I haven't yet been able to swallow it. 

I wonder if there would be an unfairness to someday being with someone else who cannot comprehend the damaged goods I now am forever, and should not have to bear that burden... vs. remaining with someone who knows what she has done and can deal with the 'new me', assist in the long-term healing process... almost like there IS no one else that can fit that need... so what am I really fighting?


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

2xloser: that is exactly how I feel. He says he wants R and is taking steps towards it. In an ideal world I would want R but I don't know if I can ever forgive. Last night I had a dream in which my DS told me something very intimate/sexual he did with the OW and in my dream I was furious and started banging on the table and screaming at him, and I actually woke up screaming, with my heart pounding  - that is what I am most scared of about staying in the relationship. Will he always be a reminder of what he has done or will I be able to see past that eventually?

I agree with you that it would be difficult in one sense being with a new person who doesn't understand the baggage you bring along. On the other hand, I think maybe being with a new person would help erase that slate. 

My IC does say it is too soon to make a decision. I will follow what HNU said above, go to MC and at the same time have a contingency plan on the side.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"Will he always be a reminder of what he has done or will I be able to see past that eventually?" For me, she is, and will always be a trigger. As I said before, I can't live my life like that. I don't want to "babysit" my own spouse- if you know what I mean. I'm with you on being with a new person to help erase the bad memory, but I'm not rushing into a relationship any time soon.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Put me in your corner, I couldn't said it better than East Tears and 2xloser, (you're not really a loser) 

I still feel so much shame. H comes home tonight after being away for 4days . First MC together tomorrow.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I married my now ex husabnd in May 1997. In Sept. 2003 he left me for OW. Back then, I wanted R and I fought for my marriage for 2 years. In 2005, he came home, we went to MC and in time, our life seemed to go back to normal. Then in late 2010, he began another affair (with 2 different women) I found out about it in April 2011. April 3 was our DDay. At first I thought I would R with him if only he would end his affair but when it became clear that he would not end things with the OW, I kicked him out of the house, I officially filed my divorce papers on May 23, 2011 and on June 6-2011, we were legally divorced. I would not R with him now.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

SecretTears, I agree with your MC - take your time. I listened to the same advice right after DDay, as I'd already begun packing her bags (and making criminally-insane plans for dealing with OM). During our first MC session, I begrudingly agreed to give it 30 days. At day 30, I've agreed to give it another 30. That doesn't mean it is going to work out in the end, but it gives me time to at least try to let some normalcy just happen, and see let myself sort through what I am feeling along the way.

It's cliche, but time simply passing *does* diminish the depth of the pain... it's just too exhausting to stay 100% angry 100% of the time. It doesn't go away, but it becomes something you can perhaps deal with. It's very much like the death of a loved one... memory of them and the pain of their departure eventually settles down, but it never goes away. And time is on your side; you can let yourself "be" as you decide whether the relationship and the environment is something you can and want to live within. 

If he is doing the big and the little things to make it right, and if you *want* it to be right, then give it and him (and you) a chance. Eyes wide open, communications wide open -- but let yourself give it a chance. You can still walk away, but I don't think any of us wants to walk away and then come crawling back saying "I miss you"... that just sopunds like a bad idea to me. If I leave, I'll know I'm really *leaving*...


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

@Sammy3 - thx for the lift-up  but reality is , I have "lost" twice (wow)... 

YOU should feel NO shame. You didn't do this; he did. Keep your own chin up. You can do this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> @Sammy3 - thx for the lift-up  but reality is , I have "lost" twice (wow)...
> 
> YOU should feel NO shame. You didn't do this; he did. Keep your own chin up. You can do this.


Same here, I've lost twice now. Which is why I took so long to decide. Being betrayed twice now in two marriages by two different wives made me very hesitant about even entertaining the very idea of giving the gift of R. After my first marriage ended because of the WWs infidelity, I had promised myself that if this one ever did it, it would be an automatic deal breaker for me. The ONLY reason I entertained it was because it was an EA, and only stayed EA because of legal, citizenship, and international boundaries. If it had gone PA, I would walk away no matter what she did to try to R. A PA is my deal breaker, and that's final. Maybe other men can accept that their wives rode another man's pole, let their OM give them a creampie, get preggo, but not me. I will never accept sloppy seconds. 

Even now I wonder if I made the right choice despite all she's done to repair the marriage. I may yet still walk away one day, and I'm close to 1 yr out from DDay.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lordmayhem, not prodding _at all_, I'm curious for my own selfish insight --what do you feel would make you walk away at this point, other than the obvious causal actions on her part? Do you envision the possibility of one day just waking up and saying "No, no... this isn't right for me"? Or would it take some negative action/commentary/additional exposure of her A?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> lordmayhem, not prodding _at all_, I'm curious for my own selfish insight --what do you feel would make you walk away at this point, other than the obvious causal actions on her part? Do you envision the possibility of one day just waking up and saying "No, no... this isn't right for me"? Or would it take some negative action/commentary/additional exposure of her A?


It may take an act like breaking NC or something like that or it's because as of right now (1 yr past DDay) I still don't feel the love for her that I once had. I feel numb, like I'm just going through the motions, even though we are connecting like never before. Maybe I need more time because I just don't have that loving feeling right now and need to fall in love with her again. The experts were right when they said it takes 2-5 years to recover from this crap.

Strange, now as a BS, I feel like giving the ILYBINILWY speech.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mayhem's post made me think of something.

For those of you who reconciled or are reconciling...do you ever feel the same again? I know they say (whoever THEY are lol) that it takes 2-5 yrs to move past, or rather, to reconcile a marriage after infidelity. 
I am 1 yr past my dday and now divorced and I still see my ex and we hang out and he talks about getting back together but I have to admit...I don't see him like I did. I still love him a lot and miss him and what we had but I wonder if that old feelign would ever return.

So for those of you who got back, is the old love ever the same?

For those that divorced, in a new relationship, do you feel happier or are you sad you didn't work it out? 

I've been feeling a little sad the past two days and having triggers.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> So for those of you who got back, is the old love ever the same?


No, it's not the same, it's just different. Some days we don't get on so well and I feel angry with him and resentful (usually from a trigger), other days we get on very well and everything feels positive and great. I don't think it can ever be what it was before.

But one thing's for sure, I will never forget what happened. It's just a matter of having to deal with it and move past it mentally, with optimism and hope for a better future. All the while hoping like hell it never happens again!


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"No, it's not the same, it's just different."- Finally an honest opinion. I can surely bet those who have reconciled must feel the same way. See, I don't want the "just different"- I want my [email protected]#$n life back, and since I'm not going to get it. To hell with something different- I DON'T DESERVE THAT!


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## Joanie (Oct 24, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I married my now ex husabnd in May 1997. In Sept. 2003 he left me for OW. Back then, I wanted R and I fought for my marriage for 2 years. In 2005, he came home, we went to MC and in time, our life seemed to go back to normal. Then in late 2010, he began another affair (with 2 different women) I found out about it in April 2011. April 3 was our DDay. At first I thought I would R with him if only he would end his affair but when it became clear that he would not end things with the OW, I kicked him out of the house, I officially filed my divorce papers on May 23, 2011 and on June 6-2011, we were legally divorced. I would not R with him now.


Your divorce was one in less than two weeks? Really, that's all it takes now? I knew they processed them much faster now than in years past, but I had no idea they move along that quickly. WOW! I guess since it's so common place now they move quicker. Also, if there are no minor children involved and no contested issues that must speed things along?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sorry, but what does PA mean ?


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

PA= Physical Affair


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> For those that divorced, in a new relationship, do you feel happier or are you sad you didn't work it out?
> 
> I've been feeling a little sad the past two days and having triggers.


I am still sad that I couldn't "fix" my marriage. I feel a sense of failure and loss that will take a very long time to clear. 
I spent the most of my adult life with this person. In a sense I grew up with her. 

It is sad Jelly. I think that it is now just a part of the new life. There is no going back to before.. No rewind button.. Reconciliation is a compromise that I am unwilling to make. 

I am making new stories with a new person, and that is wonderful, but the fact remains that I can't turn to her and say " Remember that time in 1988 we did X? " that is a loss that will never go away.

It is sadness at the loss of all those shared memories and hardships. 
Then I remember what happened, and and is still happening, and the sadness changes to regret for her upcoming situation. 
I know what she has done, and one day she will wake up and see the trail of destruction she has left behind. 
I will do my best to forgive her for the sake of my children


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "No, it's not the same, it's just different."- Finally an honest opinion. I can surely bet those who have reconciled must feel the same way. See, I don't want the "just different"- I want my [email protected]#$n life back


:rofl::rofl::rofl:



Joanie said:


> Your divorce was one in less than two weeks? Really, that's all it takes now?


No, that was an unsual case. My divorce took 1.5 year from start to finish. It depends where you live and what the laws are, if you have kids, if it's contested, separation laws, if judges ordering counselling, etc. Lots of things. My friend's divorce took 3 years!!! 



ing said:


> I spent the most of my adult life with this person. In a sense I grew up with her.


This is how I feel too. Granted, I'm thirty but I spent allll of my twenties with him, so in essence, I felt I grew up with him. I became a woman. 

Ing, how do you feel in a new relationship? Does the past creep up? How about trusting? Has your new lady been thru a divorce?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ing, how do you feel in a new relationship? Does the past creep up? How about trusting? Has your new lady been thru a divorce?


The past does not so much creep up as pounce on me, inflict a few gashes and then subsides 
Normally, when I have been enjoying myself! :scratchhead:

Trust is an interesting one because it is a huge issue for her. She has been betrayed twice after long relationships and divorced last year.

We talk about trusting. We talk about each others past. We laugh like drains at nothing. We are the grown ups though. We look after our respective kids first. We fit in around them and my irrational Ex. I am sure it makes it look like we are having an affair from the outside though.

Meeting at 4-6pm in cafes on a Tuesday afternoons is sometimes the best we can do!.. lol

Our past lives make this relationship possible. There is an understanding of the hurt we could inflict on each other and a gentleness to the communication and to each other I have not experienced before. 
It is also very cool to be with someone who thinks I am hot. Even though I am not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ing said:


> Our past lives make this relationship possible. There is an understanding of the hurt we could inflict on each other and a gentleness to the communication and to each other I have not experienced before.


Interesting point. My friend who got a divorce after his wife's looong term affair has told me that he will never ever date anyone who hasn't been cheated on. He says "cause they don't know."


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"My friend who got a divorce after his wife's looong term affair has told me that he will never ever date anyone who hasn't been cheated on. He says "cause they don't know."- WOW... that's a new perspective. It got me thinking also. I have to admit that once I do make a connection with someone, I will ask her down the line if she cheated. Do you think its a bit much?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I actually think it's a very realistic question to ask someone you're getting involved with... although probably best preceded by '"Have you ever been cheated on?" (because they will surely know that you have been...)


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ING,

Your recent post make me feel so sad....I hate the club we're in


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Perhaps it is why Reconciliation is so difficult. Your WS has no real appreciation of where you have been. It is a hugely significant part of your life which they can never fully understand. 

This is why you see so many BS on here months later accused by the former DS of not " getting over it" fast enough.

The advantage to NOT reconciling is that you choose to get over it on your own. The downside of course is that you have lost the love of your life. 
Like you say Sammy3 .. "I hate the club we are in"


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Secret tears,

I think every situation is different. I wish there was a guide for all of this but you have find resolve within yourself. What are you willing to work out and what is your spouse willing to do? Mine cheated 2x within 1 1/2 years and second time he did not look back on what he was losing in our home. I really focused on his actions through all of this despite of my pain and realized that I had to make the decision that was going to be best for me regardless of the what I was going through. Regardless of how much I love(d) him I realized I was not going to fight a losing battle or be in a one-sided fight to keep our marriage if he was not committed to it.

Whatever you decide, know you are worth the hard work and dedication your spouse will need to show you and well worth someone loving you unconditionally. I do understand people make mistakes but also realize you cannot make your spouse do anything in the relationship no matter how you may feel or what you want.

Just take time reflect, think it will come to you and once it does you will have a resolve and peace with the decision. Either route it will take time for you to recover and focus on rebuilding your life.

Hang in there.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

WOW...it's such a heavy load to carry.


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