# How do I start again?



## 'CuseGal (Feb 5, 2015)

married in 1994. Separated in late 2003. Divorced in 2007. Ex has been out of my life almost entirely (doesn't even visit the kids) since 2010. I am almost 45 years old with kids under 12. I have been on exactly one date since my divorce, back in 2012. Went so badly I never tried again. I have a good life, I have 3 jobs that aren't any of them great but they pay the bills. I share a home with my sister and her kids. I have hobbies I truly enjoy. But just recently I'm starting to realize that I'm lonely. Most of my coworkers are either married or much younger than me (we're talking young enough they could be my kids). My church has no single men in my age range. I don't know how to meet men anymore, I don't know how to date or even how to communicate to someone that I'm interested in them. I hardly ever go anyplace other than work without my kids so that makes it hard to meet guys. I have zero interest in the bar scene which seems like it's just a way to find a hookup which I am not interested in. I'm not saying I want to find something serious right away, but I have no interest in casual sex either. My ex is the only man I've ever been intimate with and it wasn't often enjoyable for me so sex is something I'm really wary about.

I really would like to get back on the dating scene, but I really need some advice on how to start. Where can I find legitimately nice guys who are interested in a 44 year old, 30 pounds overweight, unfortunately definitely showing my age, mother of elementary school children, financially living paycheck to paycheck, who doesn't want to get physically involved before developing an emotional connection? And how do I get past my own fears that any future relationship will fail just like my marriage (and every one prior to my marriage) did? I'd almost rather stay alone than get hurt that badly ever again.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Its okay.
Calm down....breathe....breathe...there you go.
Big Hugs!

Being wary is natural and quite logical. But you have to understand that you will probably never hurt that badly again. You have learned that all things have an end....just as they must have a beginning.

I would suggest going slow. Maybe going to match.com and seeing how things go. There is also PlentyofFish...which has forums designed to help folks like you. If you cant find them, PM me and I will send you the link. I hung out there for a bit while I got my wits about me.

BTW....sex at your age just gets better and better...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

'CuseGal said:


> married in 1994. Separated in late 2003. Divorced in 2007. Ex has been out of my life almost entirely (doesn't even visit the kids) since 2010. I am almost 45 years old with kids under 12. I have been on exactly one date since my divorce, back in 2012. Went so badly I never tried again. I have a good life, I have 3 jobs that aren't any of them great but they pay the bills. I share a home with my sister and her kids. I have hobbies I truly enjoy. But just recently I'm starting to realize that I'm lonely. Most of my coworkers are either married or much younger than me (we're talking young enough they could be my kids). My church has no single men in my age range. I don't know how to meet men anymore, I don't know how to date or even how to communicate to someone that I'm interested in them. I hardly ever go anyplace other than work without my kids so that makes it hard to meet guys. I have zero interest in the bar scene which seems like it's just a way to find a hookup which I am not interested in. I'm not saying I want to find something serious right away, but I have no interest in casual sex either. My ex is the only man I've ever been intimate with and it wasn't often enjoyable for me so sex is something I'm really wary about.
> 
> I really would like to get back on the dating scene, but I really need some advice on how to start. Where can I find legitimately nice guys who are interested in a 44 year old, 30 pounds overweight, unfortunately definitely showing my age, mother of elementary school children, financially living paycheck to paycheck, who doesn't want to get physically involved before developing an emotional connection? And how do I get past my own fears that any future relationship will fail just like my marriage (and every one prior to my marriage) did? I'd almost rather stay alone than get hurt that badly ever again.


Just my opinion, 'Cuse, but I believe that NOT looking is the only way to find. That might sound like a line right out of "Kung Fu", but I am a firm believer. The number one thing that I am working on is being happy without someone else. I believe THAT is the key to being happy.

30 pounds overweight, 44 years old...those things have NOTHING to do with who you are. YOU are what counts, and not some wrapper or some stupid number written on a Driver's License.

FWIW, there are many women who fit that description who are REALLY fantastic and attractive. 

Hang in and have as much "exposure" as you can under your circumstances. I know where you're coming from, BELIEVE me....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

'CuseGal said:


> I have been on exactly one date since my divorce, back in 2012. Went so badly I never tried again.


One bad date doesn't mean they're all bad. You'll go through many bad dates before you come across guys like me, you just need to be patient and realize there are a lot more losers than winners out there. 



'CuseGal said:


> I don't know how to date or even how to communicate to someone that I'm interested in them. I hardly ever go anyplace other than work without my kids so that makes it hard to meet guys. I have zero interest in the bar scene


Online dating. That's where it's at. Expect people to be deceitful and don't have high expectations. Don't waste a lot of time with back and forth messages before you set up a first "meetup"- not a date- keep it short because odds are you'll never want to see the person again but hey you never know.



'CuseGal said:


> Where can I find legitimately nice guys who are interested in a 44 year old, 30 pounds overweight, unfortunately definitely showing my age, mother of elementary school children, financially living paycheck to paycheck, who doesn't want to get physically involved before developing an emotional connection?


The odds are against you. At the very least, lose the extra weight which is the one thing you CAN control about your situation. There are guys out there who are ok with young kids and have enough money that they won't care about your financial situation but you need to have something to offer, and that's pretty much looks and brains. Whatever your brains are, they are.. but it sounds like you need to work on your looks. So hop on that treadmill and stop eating the crap foods and when you get down to dating weight make yourself a nice profile and see where things go.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My suggestion: Join a new church. Like a large, contemporary one with lots of opportunities to get involved.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My suggestion: Join a new church. Like a large, contemporary one with lots of opportunities to get involved.


Forget the church. Join a gym.


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## 'CuseGal (Feb 5, 2015)

i don't have time for either church or the gym. In fact I work 3 very physical jobs and hardly eat at all I pretty much just come home from work every day and collapse. I'm told my weight problem isn't what I eat its that I've destroyed my metabolism with years of pushing myself too hard - my body has gone into starvation mode and holds on to every calorie I eat. Right now I am working about 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week, all low wage jobs because there's nothing else available where I live and I don't drive so I have to work close to home. Come summer my job at our local college ends for 3 months so I'm looking at that time frame to work myself into a mindset to try to start dating again then.
Does anyone have experience using the How About We ... dating program? In the summer my main pass time is hiking and I would like to find a guy who would become a regular hiking partner. This program sounds like it might be a good place to start.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Try meetup.com. You may find a hiking group there or something else you are interested in where you can meet people and do something you enjoy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Lenzi about trying to drop the extra weight. NOT because its unattractive, but because it is going to affect your confidence. You sound pretty unsure about yourself, and both dropping some poundage and the PROCESS to drop it (eating better, exercising...) will help you feel better about yourself, therefore allowing you to present your BEST SELF to potential dates.  I went out with a guy once who let me know in no uncertain terms how disappointed he was that I was heavier IRL than in the pics I had posted on my profile. (not even 20 lbs and I was in no way overweight!!) That did encourage me to start trying to lose it though. Right now, I am the lightest I have been in 15 years, and I have to say that the difference its made in how I feel and see myself is incredible!

As far as WHERE to find men? Yeah, Im still looking myself, lol! I second the suggestion to try attending a different church. Try looking for local Meetup groups. Maybe try taking a class you've always wanted to try? Join a gym. Sign up on Match. It gets easier to interact with people the more you do it.

ETA..Sorry CuseGirl, I didnt see your last post!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

A lot of guys don't mind a gal with a little extra. Depends on proportions and fitness. If you are fit but a bit chubby, it don't matter that much. Can you bicycle to work?

Meetup sounds better for you than Tinder.

What sports do your kids play? Hanging out while they practice will give you an opportunity to chat with other parents. Single dads could be at the pool or soccer field.


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## 'CuseGal (Feb 5, 2015)

I walk to and from work, both jobs. It's about a mile for one and about 1.5 miles for the other, and its uphill on the way home. I do ride with a coworker when the weather is as bad as it has been this winter.

My kids don't do sports. They do drama club, chorus, band, Olympics of the Mind. And our school doesn't encourage parental involvement - I don't think it's deliberate, it's just that almost all practices are during school hours so parents are still at work. Our school district is very poor and can't afford a late bus so all school activities have to be over by the time the elementary kids get done for the day. K-6 doesn't have much available to them anyway - we don't even have a elementary school sports program. It's a very small, poor rural school - only about 60-80 kids per grade. And we DO have a lot of single parents here - the problem is, they're all a lot younger than me, because I didn't start having kids until I was in my 30s. My same-age friends all have kids in their late teens and early 20s and the people with kids the same age as mine are all 10-15 years younger than me!
Sometimes I just think my guy picker is really off. The one guy I went out with turned out to be after sex and nothing more. One of the guys I got interested in enough to try to get to know him better, turned out to still be obsessed with his ex wife. Another turned out to be an alcoholic. And I must have a really strong "gaydar" because I seem to keep ending up finding out the men I"m attracted to are gay. I've gone so far as to try flirting with a few of the younger men I work with, but stopped after it became obvious that they were uncomfortable with the age difference between us. Which is too bad beause since I'm not interested in anything permanent, I wouldn't really mind dating someone with an age difference of up to about 15 years in either direction.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good that you walk everyday. Weigh yourself in the morning an evening. Be interesting to figure out how many calories you burn.

Maybe your gravitate to gay guys because your anxious about sex?

Have you gone to IC?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

CG, I am thinking you need a real profession. Something that can take the place of those 3 jobs.. I would look into unemployment office and ask them getting help.. 

As an example I am aware of a woman who had a child and the state, which is New York. Paid for daycare for her child and for her to go to New York Tech to be a dental Hygienist.. They also paid for her apartment as well. That was a 3 year program, btw.. 

You need to work smarter not harder... 

Go to your counselman office and ask their for anything that can help you.. I went to mine to help my son get into a high school.. They wrote a letter and he got in, it was that easy..

The simple issue I am hearing from you is I work 3 jobs and don't really have time for a man, but I am looking for a man who understands this and just wants to hold my hand on the couch but not look to fvck me for X amount a time until I am ready.. Not being blunt, but just getting to the meat and potato's of this.. I ignored the weight thing because its retarded, but I do get it as I used to be 315 LBS and now I'm 240, 245.. I used to be 235.. So I am gaining some weight back.. 

I think finding a better career will benefit you as it will give you more time since you will be working less to do the gym or date or even both if you want.. It will also make you more stable for the future and your kids need this.. 

You need to find a way to get past this just scraping by.. But you need to have the fortitude to do it.. My Niece who had 1 child at the time was given this opportunity and she squandered it and made excuses why she couldn't do it.. Now she has 3 kids from 3 fathers and is barely surviving.. 

I don't know you, I can only tell you about me. I know that now that I am dating and in a relationship. I would be back to dating if we broke up.. I enjoy the company and yes even the steady sex.. 

So before you get the "addiction" of dating, I would fix your personal issues.. Its a poor analogy but you get what I'm saying.. I just think its easier to fix yourself while you are alone then with someone who will also want some of your time and if you're looking for some companionship, they deservingly should expect it or what's the point right ?.. 

I know at one point my GF after getting into a big fight with me wanted to back peddle on our time together.. I told her I would give her all the time she needed by breaking it off with her.. I told her I don't go backwards in a relationship..

So before you get all involved in that Sh!t fix you first.. Fix your home for your kids.. Show your kids to work smart not harder.. Show your kids that life is not about working 3 jobs.. Again its not a BAD thing.. But I have seen so many people take advantage of city resources that other people could use and benefit from.. 

Plus lets be honest.. Once you see you don't need a man. Men will see that too.. You attract a different caliber of person as well. Someone who will be your partner and not someone who need to support as well.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think a lot of the previous commenters have really good points, so I don't have a lot to add, but I will say this:

It's NOT about your weight. It's all about your attitude and what kind of energy you're putting out there.

Case in point: I am 60-70# overweight, and I have no problem meeting men who are interested. It's all about attitude and personality. If you are feeling good about yourself and confident, that will show, and that will attract others to you.

Do I want to lose weight? Yes, of course, but for me and for my health, and not so I can attract men. But my size/weight isn't a source of insecurity for me anymore, and that changed a lot for me... I learned to love my body for all its imperfections and for all the amazing things that my body is and does. In our society, women are taught to hate their bodies. Don't hate your body! Your body grew and sustained your beautiful children. It's carried you through 44 years of life. Your body is an amazing thing! Treat it with love.

If losing weight will help your self-esteem, then by all means, work towards that. I would specifically recommend Body for Life for Women and YOU: On A Diet . The Body For Life book has a very simple, common sense plan that addresses specific for women throughout the different phases of their life; the You:On a Diet is an excellent resource for understanding the science of how your body processes and uses food, and how specific foods will affect your body. 

But has been mentioned before, it's all about your attitude, your confidence, and the energy that you put out that will attract others. If you can work on your own personal experience, your own outlook on life, improve what you view as your "lot in life," and become more confident in yourself, the rest of it will come.

What makes you awesome? Find your awesome, cultivate it and nurture it. What fulfills you and make your happy? What excites you? Feed that part of you. Don't know? Try new things to figure it out.


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## lindacolbert (Apr 3, 2015)

I feel its all about how you take things in life, I know its difficult but even I am sailing in the same boat going through my second divorce but still I thank god that I am alive and try to live life to its fullest. I love myself and so always postive in life.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

'CuseGal said:


> i don't have time for either church or the gym. In fact I work 3 very physical jobs and hardly eat at all I pretty much just come home from work every day and collapse. I'm told my weight problem isn't what I eat its that I've destroyed my metabolism with years of pushing myself too hard - my body has gone into starvation mode and holds on to every calorie I eat. Right now I am working about 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week, all low wage jobs because there's nothing else available where I live and I don't drive so I have to work close to home. Come summer my job at our local college ends for 3 months so I'm looking at that time frame to work myself into a mindset to try to start dating again then.
> Does anyone have experience using the How About We ... dating program? In the summer my main pass time is hiking and I would like to find a guy who would become a regular hiking partner. This program sounds like it might be a good place to start.



To be honest with you I don't think dating for finding any kinda real relationship is going to work. You have no time for one. A real relationship is time and commitment.

3 jobs 10-12 hours a day 7 days a week. Even if you do get a summer off do you intend to go back to this schedule in the fall? 

I mean don't get me wrong, you can find dates that are ok with casual seeing you,while they see other women, or having casual Sex but how can you form a real relationship or be open to one when you have no time?

If you want to be open for that my suggestion would be to work on your life and make more time available. Maybe that means downsizing your lifestyle a bit or cutting back in an area here or there. But rest assured that anyone man or woman who wants a real relationship has to have the time to dedicate to it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

'Cuse, I don't have any more advice to offer beyond what's already been said, but just want to let you know I'm just climbing into your same boat, and I'm 50. My STBX of 25 years is leaving me for a woman who's older than I am and is, by his account, about 70 pounds overweight. He met her at a funeral.

Not saying all this as a "poor me," believe it or not, but as an example of how you apparently don't have to go to bars or singles meet-ups to meet someone.

I really feel for you. I'd prefer not to be alone for the rest of my life, but right now, I'm not foreseeing a line forming for dibs on a 50-year-old woman with a 13-year-old son. Like you, I'm not looking for a booty call. And I don't want to subject my son to a parade of drunken a$$ho!es, so I don't intend to actively date a variety of men - I would feel much more comfortable meeting a new man at work, or even being set up with the brother or friend of a friend, than getting back into 'the dating scene.' I didn't much like it when I was 23 and by some random miracle of timing met my STBX - I doubt it's improved much since then.

I'm glad to hear that you live with your sister and her kids. While that's not the same thing as having a life and love partner, it's good that you have the built-in support of your family.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Dont worry Cuse'.
There IS life after Divorce and its really quite amazing.

Work on yourself and get ready for some weirdness but also some good times.


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