# "You don't have to like it." is this disrespect?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

My H said this to me and I'm not sure if i'm being oversensitive or if my H was being disrespectful to me, because it didn't sit well.

Here's what happened:

we were having unexpected, fun sex in the living room. First on the couch, then on the floor on a blanket. Him on top, then me on top. 
It was exciting and spontaneous and good.

So he turned me around to do doggy-style and I said "no, I don't like that."
he said, "you don't have to like it," but then he stopped and I turned around and we kept going.
I said, "I dont have to like it, what??" half laughing, like "of course I have to like it!"

But it bothered me because to me it meant: "i don't care if you don't like it, do it anyway."

so I asked him about it, and asked if that's what he had meant.
After he said "no, you don't have to do what you don't want to do," evenitually he was honest about his feelings, that: 
"yes, I do think that if it's something I like and you don't, then once in awhile you should honor that. But i'm not going to force you to do something you don't want to do."
I told him "I understand your point. And guess what... I'm going to be much more likely to do anything and everything you'd want in bed, if you tell me you don't want me doing anything I don't want to do. That's the irony of love. We're more likely to want to do something for each other if the other person is fine with us *not* doing it."

so....
Was he being selfish and disrespectful in saying that?
Or just not thinking clearly, blood in the wrong head and all that, and I'm blowing this out of proportion and making a big deal out of nothing?

I know he'd love if I were more kinky and uninhibited, less physically sensitive.
That could be behind it, which I understand.
But my main concern here is...did this comment mean: "I don't care" ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think he was just in the moment. my H does something similar. its good that you didnt just let it go. im sure he cares because he talked to you afterwards, but its hard to deny your sexual cravings especially when you're in the moment.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Pandakiss, thanks for your reply.
I do feel good that we talked...he didn't want to, just wanted to keep going with the sex, but I pushed the issue a little bit, and after we talked through it in a good way, I let him know how...*good* things can be if he's able to talk through something with me, if you know what I mean 

and thanks---she-ra, princess of power, has been my hero since I was a little kid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> i think he was just in the moment. my H does something similar. its good that you didnt just let it go. im sure he cares because he talked to you afterwards, but its hard to deny your sexual cravings especially when you're in the moment.


Thanks...like I said, I had to push the issue to get him to talk to me about it, he didn't want to.
But it was worth it to me, and I hope he can see that it *was* worth it to talk about it even though all he wanted was to keep on going!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I had to push the issue to get him to talk to me about it, he didn't want to.


you'll want to be careful with that. you'll want to start asking instead of demanding and pushing. what i have learned to do is ask my H, 'hunny i have something really important and personal to talk to you about. is this a good time and can you respond? i need you to talk to me and tell me how you feel about what i have to say.' if he says no, i respect that and dont push the issue. this is respecting him and his boundaries.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He was telling you "you can show me respect and appreciation and love by doing something I like for me".... You need to give in order to get in life.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I wonder, was he maybe just playing into the moment and thought you would like it? Almost a rough sex scenario?
Maybe he didn't really mean it the way you took it at all.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Wow. I would be incredibly disgusted if my husband said something like that to me. I would think he's being a selfish pig.
I had an ex that used to pressure me all the time for sex. It just made me less willing. I hate to feel like I'm obligated to do certain sexual acts, especially if I don't like it.
Bear in mind that I have survived sexual abuse, so I am more sensitive to feeling bullied into bedroom activities.
"You don't have to like it" means that your husband only cares if HE has a good time. How sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I would translate it as a bit of a sexual banter, dominance in bed sex play. 

Come on, it was just a different sex position  It's not like he tried to shove it up your a** despite your wishes, as one of the posters on TAM relayed her anal experience.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Creda,
I will give you the guys point of view on this.  "In the moment" a good W will not say "no" unless:
- What you are asking HURTS or
- She has a really strong aversion to it

I understand that isn't "your" favorite position. But there is a difference between "I am not totally comfortable with ..." and "damn that really hurts" or "that is making me nauseous". 

I speak from experience here. My W has a very narrow comfort zone in most things. We laughingly call it plus/minus 1 degree. I won't bore you with the list in this post but her list of narrow comfort zone areas is VAST. 

EXCEPT in bed where her comfort zone is basically infinite and she loves doing anything that makes ME feel good. So while I agree with your comment that "he" shouldn't want you to do anything you don't want. I have a different take on what happened. 

Why don't you love him enough to make an effort to get comfortable with that position? FYI: Most guys LOVE that position. Many sexual experiences are awkward - feel weird - the first few times. If you love your partner and they love something specific - you make an effort. 

Is he sexually selfish with you? Or does he make an effort to make sure to please you as well?




credamdóchasgra said:


> Thanks...like I said, I had to push the issue to get him to talk to me about it, he didn't want to.
> But it was worth it to me, and I hope he can see that it *was* worth it to talk about it even though all he wanted was to keep on going!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think if I ever said that to my wife, the lovemaking session would be over unless we were playing and it was part of the banter.
I understand his position, but his delivery could have been a little nicer.
Maybe something like, "Let's do it doggy style. Thart feels so good to me".

BTW, doggy isn't my wife's favorite, but it is mine because that's the only position where I can give a full length thrust without hurting her. In her favorite (and most) positions, I have to "short shift".


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Hicks said:


> He was telling you "you can show me respect and appreciation and love by doing something I like for me".... You need to give in order to get in life.


That's exactly it. The idea that all sexual relations boil down to an equally -- and I mean exactly equal -- sensual experience for both parties is just another way for both to be set up for disappointment. In a good healthy sexual relationship, there are times when the pleasure/attention is one-sided. This isn't to demean, degrade, or undervalue either partner; the balance between the two happens in aggregate, over time. By your husband saying this to you, he was expressing some apparently-rare Alpha in the relationship, and your sensitivity to that seems to suggest that your rejection of that more primal, and admittedly selfish, aspect of his sexuality is going to make him withdraw on the subject whether you communicate your feelings or not.

A man wants to feel empowered in his sexual relationship, once in a while. The alternative . . . let's just not talk about that.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Wow, I didn't realize this had more responses.

We talked about it a little bit, and I think it's along the lines of what Hicks, MEM, and reachingshore said.

No, he's not selfish in bed. He enjoys being a "giver."

he's also more kinky than I am, and it might help us if I relax a little and am willing to do more things he wants, if they don't hurt or aren't creepy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Wow, I didn't realize this had more responses.
> 
> We talked about it a little bit, and I think it's along the lines of what Hicks, MEM, and reachingshore said.
> 
> ...


Doggy can hurt when he is thrusting too fast and he is deep, when it does hurt, you just need to ask him to slow down and pull out a little bit. 

When you have sex, if he is doing what you feel great, tell him right away, he will remember that and next time, he will try to do it again to make you feel wonderful. If it is not comfortable, tell him too, then he will be careful. 

For positions, more variety is always better than one position. People get bored after the same position again and again. 

Seduce him, flirt with him, grab him, be more aggressive in bed, men like this kind of stuff!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Creda,
This stuff is not easy. You are working at it - good for you. 

I am reaching far back now - a full 20 years. So I am not going to get the wording exactly right. But the basic message really was this blunt - I remember it because I laughed so hard I almost fell down. 

We were having some discussion about something she wanted to change in the house. I had a mild preference to do it one way and she had a strong desire to do it differently. I asked her something like "Do you have any WANTS, or is every single thing a NEED for you? 

And she immediately replied: "You are in charge in there - pointing to the bedroom - and I am in charge out here - waving her arm around to reference the rest of the universe".

I thought about that for a moment - a long moment. And then I nodded. That said - and she was over simplifying - that arrangement has worked out well for us. She is not bossy/*****y - ok well when she is *****y she gets some sort of spanking either verbally or physically. 

She is very respectful, polite and considerate. And honestly when she hears either:
- "HEY - this is important to me" - it immediately becomes important to her OR
- "That is not acceptable" - her entire affect changes on a dime

I realize this sounds completely beta but it really isn't. She has excellent judgement and when I "choose" to assert myself she takes me very seriously. But truthfully I don't feel that strongly about that much stuff outside the bedroom other than: 
- Golden rule (I will if need be end ANY relationship over serious violations of this and she knows that)
- Kids - we absolutely have equal say as parents

She is wired to feel strongly about most things. I didn't "teach" that behavior, she was that way from the day I met her. 

If you think about much of the "style" advice I give to "nice guys/gals" I start with "humor is the BEST way to get to the outcome you want - if you can inject humor into your request always start with that". 

And truly that comes from watching my exceptionally clever, funny W do this comedy central "alpha" thing daily. And to her credit - when I do it back to her - she takes it like a champ.




credamdóchasgra said:


> Wow, I didn't realize this had more responses.
> 
> We talked about it a little bit, and I think it's along the lines of what Hicks, MEM, and reachingshore said.
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Humor can be helpful, I've found.

Since this is the sex forum, I'll stay on topic...

You make an interesting point about a "good wife" being willing to do anything that makes her H feel good, within boundaries.
That's something I may need to open up about.

Truth told, he does hear "no..." to position changes, wandering fingers, and certain suggestions sometimes, and I do give off a reluctant "oh, whatever" vibe in bed sometimes.
I'm sure he'd love if I were more enthusiastic and wanted to use toys and stuff more often.

Which is why tonight I made a point to sport pink lacy lingerie, cook dinner, and be ready for a romp tonight.
On a blanket on the floor of the living room, which he likes.

Lest I sound like a gatekeeper...I rarely say no, and I initiate sex about half the time.






MEM11363 said:


> Creda,
> This stuff is not easy. You are working at it - good for you.
> 
> I am reaching far back now - a full 20 years. So I am not going to get the wording exactly right. But the basic message really was this blunt - I remember it because I laughed so hard I almost fell down.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Creda, can I ask why you don't like doggy style? And why you tell him stop at times when he's initiating changes in position or touch?

I think women tend to underestimate the value of sex to a man and how closely they associate their performance in the bedroom as well as ability to make their wives feel good while pleasing themselves to their overall feelings of self worth.

My husbands favorite position is cowgirl (he says the bouncing of the boobs in his face is supreme as well as I do most the work...lazy bum) and mine is actually doggy style because I like the fundamental basics of it. We use this knowledge of one another to banter back and forth. For example, he'll say something along the lines of...you've been really good today and I just might give it to you from behind. He'll possibly lightly spank my bum and this really turns me on.

I don't think you should be afraid to take passive control in the bedroom. What I mean by this is being willing to re-direct where the sex is going in a way that still takes into account his feelings. So instead of saying, "No I don't like this position."--which is a mood killer.

You could turn your head and reach eye contact and say, "Flip me over and give it to me that way to finish me off." Then move your body in a way where he doesn't have a choice but he doesn't mind that he doesn't have a choice.

This way you get the change in position but he still gets the feeling that he is your sex man.

By the way, I think what you did for him tonight was great! It sends him the exact message I'm talking about. You do this enough and you'll have a much happier, content man.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
You continue to channel my W. 

Creda,
That whole "love language" thing. Well obviously my biggest by far is physical touch. But it is not just sex. I am going to guess that over the years my W has logged well over a thousand hours scratching my back while I lay, head in her lap watching tv. Maybe an equal amount doing a back massage. 





Trenton said:


> Creda, can I ask why you don't like doggy style? And why you tell him stop at times when he's initiating changes in position or touch?
> 
> I think women tend to underestimate the value of sex to a man and how closely they associate their performance in the bedroom as well as ability to make their wives feel good while pleasing themselves to their overall feelings of self worth.
> 
> ...


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Creda, can I ask why you don't like doggy style? And why you tell him stop at times when he's initiating changes in position or touch?
> 
> I think women tend to underestimate the value of sex to a man and how closely they associate their performance in the bedroom as well as ability to make their wives feel good while pleasing themselves to their overall feelings of self worth.
> 
> ...


Wives always get bonus points for initiating a new sexual position during sex, particularly if it's novel. Just sayin'.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> T,
> You continue to channel my W.
> 
> Creda,
> That whole "love language" thing. Well obviously my biggest by far is physical touch. But it is not just sex. I am going to guess that over the years my W has logged well over a thousand hours scratching my back while I lay, head in her lap watching tv. Maybe an equal amount doing a back massage.


Funny you mention this.

In the past few weeks, as I attempted to "cool down" my emo temp, it means I held back on the physical touch. He loves when I cuddle up to him, rub his back, grab his butt. 

I thought this was the "right" way to go to re-balance my relationship, and yes, he did continue to show love in "acts of service" (his LL, not mine)...but I do wonder if he's more likely to be motivated to give me love in my LL if I'm filling his love bank in his LL.

You're right--it's not easy to figure out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Creda, can I ask why you don't like doggy style? And why you tell him stop at times when he's initiating changes in position or touch?
> 
> By the way, I think what you did for him tonight was great! It sends him the exact message I'm talking about. You do this enough and you'll have a much happier, content man.


Trenton,

Something about the from-behind position seems UN-intimate...lack of eye contact, me feeling pushed down...but I can get over that. He knows I like the intimacy of eye contact, and when he flips me for "doggy style" (hate that term), he does things to maintain a feeling of intimacy without the eye contact.

To answer your second question, I'm physically sensitive. Without getting too graphic: on the inside and on the outside. Things hurt. I don't have a medical condition as far as I can tell. I'm one of those women who has a hard time letting go, quieting my mind, and being in the moment. 

But last night during our THIRD time having sex in one day, I was more relaxed and did the from-behind position. He appreciated it and he let me know that he did. And I felt good too, overall.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is what my W does. When she can tell I am tense she does NOT ask me to "talk" about it. She tells me to sit/lie down and then she rubs/scratches my back. 

But there is a difference between being tense and being a jerk. If I am being a jerk she generally responds quickly and effectively to "that" and it sure as hell isn't with some type of back massage. 





credamdóchasgra said:


> Funny you mention this.
> 
> In the past few weeks, as I attempted to "cool down" my emo temp, it means I held back on the physical touch. He loves when I cuddle up to him, rub his back, grab his butt.
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> If I am being a jerk she generally responds quickly and effectively to "that" and it sure as hell isn't with some type of back massage.


Do tell...

?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Being the weirdo that I am, I would have just retorted "remember that comment when you are eating dinner tonight!" ha ha ha. I really don't let anything thats said during sex get to me, just because I kinda like it that my H gets an alter ego during. Makes it fun!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Often a simple comment from her like: 
"I know you are tense/stressed right now - don't take it out on me" and then she just gives me this warning look. 

And honestly most of the time my survival instinct kicks in and I at least have the sense to shut up. Usually within minutes I apologize and make the effort to at least not be "bad" company. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> Do tell...
> 
> ?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Often a simple comment from her like:
> "I know you are tense/stressed right now - don't take it out on me" and then she just gives me this warning look.


Well, last night after he came home to lingerie and ready dinner, he made a critical comment about something else. I said:

"That's your opinion and that's fine, but please keep your comments to yourself. You ask me a lot of the time to keep my comments to myself, I'm asking the same of you."

He argued, "I'm entitled to my opinion."

I said: "Of course you are. If you want me to keep the xyz somewhere else so it's not in your way, that's a reasonable request, just let me know."

I thought he was being snarky; he didn't.
I gave him what he often gives me: "Keep your comments to yourself."
I also proposed a solution: "If you don't like it and you want me to keep it somewhere else, I'll gladly oblige."

I think I handled that well.
Damned if I don't have a tough one on my hands if he comes home to a hottie in pink lace with a hot cooked meal, and finds something to criticize. Just sayin'.
But saying all of THAT to him, would've fallen on deaf ears. 
Quick, calm, and to the point is more effective.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Well, last night after he came home to lingerie and ready dinner, he made a critical comment about something else. I said:


to this I would have said "Did you just say how awesome I looked and how great this dinner smelled? THANK YOU" (not in a saracastic or nasty tone of voice but a positive one)

Then, if he continued to argue... "It's getting cold in here I think I'll throw some sweats on".

He is quite dense in the matters of women, I must admit based on this story.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> to this I would have said "Did you just say how awesome I looked and how great this dinner smelled? THANK YOU" (not in a saracastic or nasty tone of voice but a positive one)
> 
> Then, if he continued to argue... "It's getting cold in here I think I'll throw some sweats on".
> 
> He is quite dense in the matters of women, I must admit based on this story.


He did say I looked awesome and dinner smelled great...but yes, he can be quite dense in the matters of women...


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Trenton,
> 
> Something about the from-behind position seems UN-intimate...lack of eye contact, me feeling pushed down...but I can get over that. He knows I like the intimacy of eye contact, and when he flips me for "doggy style" (hate that term), he does things to maintain a feeling of intimacy without the eye contact.
> 
> To answer your second question, I'm physically sensitive. Without getting too graphic: on the inside and on the outside. Things hurt. I don't have a medical condition as far as I can tell. I'm one of those women who has a hard time letting go, quieting my mind, and being in the moment.


I agree with the first part and am the same with the second part. There's lots I'm happy to do but doggy is not a favourite, partly because of the reasons you say, but mainly because it is extremely uncomfortable (the cervix slammer!) and it is very difficult to get around this. I find he is the one in control and no matter his intentions, he can't adjust to carrying on more shallow for any length of time. Eeek!

Good for you though that you tried it for him and he let you know it was appreciated. Also liked the idea of cooking in the lingerie- that would be a great idea here but with four kids not practical lol!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

tobio said:


> I agree with the first part and am the same with the second part. There's lots I'm happy to do but doggy is not a favourite, partly because of the reasons you say, but mainly because it is extremely uncomfortable (the cervix slammer!) and it is very difficult to get around this. I find he is the one in control and no matter his intentions, he can't adjust to carrying on more shallow for any length of time. Eeek!
> 
> Good for you though that you tried it for him and he let you know it was appreciated. Also liked the idea of cooking in the lingerie- that would be a great idea here but with four kids not practical lol!


Tobio, there's a lot we do now that we'll have to give up if/when we have kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Tobio, there's a lot we do now that we'll have to give up if/when we have kids!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haha well I have four and we are reasonably lucky in that relatives have them a fair bit at weekends so we do have times where we can be child-free if warranted... So it doesn't necessarily mean giving it all up



Sonny said:


> I'm amazed to read there is a woman on this planet drawing air that doesn't love doggy.


Really? Now if you substituted "man" there then I would agree. But I gather some women have the same problem, I don't know. It does nothing for me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

There's lots to learn, Sonny...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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