# And the topic of the day for me is.



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Hey Guys,
If you've been reading my posts you know that everyday seems to bring a new challenge for me. Today's challenge is how the heck do I stop thinking about my stbxw sexually?


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Let us know if you figure that one out. Not only am I still in love with him but I am totally still in lust with him. He is my one and only. Fortunately he has not been interested, no after separation sex for us, so it doesn't matter what I think, he isn't there to let me do anything about it


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Mad,
I feel for you. I go from feeling lusting after to her, to imagining her with another guy, complete torture.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Mine told me that if he ever came home he would never have sex w/ me again... :-( 

I have no idea though. He knows my body well and knows how to please it and my fetishes I'm willing (and not willing to do)... I can't imagine having sex w/ other people... 

I watched Friends the other night when Phoebe was trying to get Rachel to stop thinking about Ross by visualize each part of his body ... it killed me because I could visualize his body head to toe and each piece of it. I miss it. 

My IC doesn't believe there's hope for us. Two months ago she had lots but now she thinks he is just waiting for me to be tired and file. Sucky day.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah, well we filed in January, so there is no hope for us


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When someone says "never", they are lying.

My husband said he'd NEVER move home.

And he did.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For me, I realized that I had unhealthy sex addiction when it came to him. It was like he always knew how much to give and when to stop, to keep me from being satisfied, always wanting more. You'd think that was a good thing, but the way I could be treated on account of it, it wasn't. So for me the problem was solved easily. I stopped thinking that the sex would be a good thing. I didn't like the way I was thinking about it. Now I am okay with someone else getting it. I wasn't going to get what I wanted out of it, not really. It was the trying that kept me hooked. I didn't like the control he had over me so I broke free of it. 

If you are a H-D person then you too could be in the same boat. 
I can't say how the process came about but it had something to do with misplaced inappropriate guilt about ongoing sexual desires...and by habit wanting to channel them towards him, instead of a healthier target, and giving myself permission to explore the concept that having feelings for someone else, or just feelings in general that weren't channeled towards my stbx, were okay, and healthy, and necessary (although not to be forced). If you trained yourself during your marital problems to continue to be attracted to your wife and not to let sex suffer on account of other issues, then it could be that your former proactive efforts have now turned against you.

Sexuality is a very tricky thing. Sometimes you have to sneak up on it and catch what you are thinking about, by surprise, before you really get what your issue is. 

I think the first thing is noticing you have an issue that isn't going to be resolved by obsessive thinking. Now you have to slow down time and watch/observe what happens right before you are becoming aware of that thinking. In that space, after you stretch it out a bit, will be clues that you can follow.

For me, it was the self-training I'd put myself through in order to keep my marriage intact and to remain attracted to my husband and to also fulfil my needs within the marriage...despite what he was doing and how he was treating me. It's not a switch and it's not easy to turn off in that respect. But you can slowly look at it and take it apart and figure out how to re-wire things.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

I just remind myself about what was really going through her head while she was with me in the bedroom, and that then makes me think no thanks, good riddance. Nothing's a turn-off like knowing it was just another duty to her all along, fun was something she got up to elsewhere.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> @Mad,
> I feel for you. I go from feeling lusting after to her, to imagining her with another guy, complete torture.


I have had the similar misfortune of having a dream about that occuring in the bed I am still paying for in the clothes I bought for her. I think she may have gotten rid of every thing I bought her though, that sucks too. SOrry you are having the thoughts i am.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

You know everyone I realize that the hardest thing to do in life is to realize and accept the fact that the woman you vowed to love until you die, the person you thought you would always make love/have sex with, is over you, and doesn't want that with you anymore. I'm trying to get there. Only then will I then be able to not live in the past, and realize that I will have a future again with someone else. This is scary but necessary.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I think it just takes time. The bond of marriage is more than just physical. It is the complete blending of the emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of two individuals that makes for such a strong and compelling bond. A three corded rope is not easily broken. However, given enough friction and time, it will eventually fray and snap.

I think if you are completely honest with yourself there are other aspects that you probably miss about your ex as much if not more than sex. 

For me personally, I miss that aspect of a relationship. That being said, I just don't miss it with her. When our emotional connection faded, her physical attraction died for me as well. That part of me has been forever closed off to her. As I put it mildly to her some two years ago..."I'd rather be eaten by rats." 

That being said, everyone is assuredly different. Be patient. Give it more time, they will certainly provide additional friction. You will get your "snap". If not today than perhaps tomorrow. Create a check list of "less than wonderful things" they have done to you to review when you find yourself drifting in this direction. It worked for me. 

just one man's thoughts...
LIL


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh trust me in the last two months alone I've seen more than anyone should see in their relationship, that is what has gotten me through this. The last year I was basically the little puppy dog begging for scraps of affection. I was the one driving the emotional train, I was the one putting myself out there. I've come to the realization that I'd rather be lonely in the short term to be happy in the long term. She WAS a great person, but that person is dead, so is the 11 years we had together. Thank god I have two great children out of it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ProudDaddy,

You are missing a key point.

Once you stop insisting this is all about you, healing will begin.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad,
Forgive me if I don't seem to care too much about her hurting right now, she had six months to a year to deal with this when I was still with her, supporting her, fighting for her, all that stuff. I've had two months in which I had to move out of the marital home, move thirty minutes away, see my kids only two to three times a week. On top of see her so blatantly lie about things, operate in the fog, see my children's faces sad all the time. I really don't give two craps about her feelings right now. She is the one that rejected me for the "better" life. She is the one that lost 65lbs and then decided I was disposable!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> Conrad,
> Forgive me if I don't seem to care too much about her hurting right now, she had six months to a year to deal with this when I was still with her, supporting her, fighting for her, all that stuff. I've had two months in which I had to move out of the marital home, move thirty minutes away, see my kids only two to three times a week. On top of see her so blatantly lie about things, operate in the fog, see my children's faces sad all the time. I really don't give two craps about her feelings right now. She is the one that rejected me for the "better" life. She is the one that lost 65lbs and then decided I was disposable!


It's not about you.

Think about how liberating that concept is.

Really.

Think hard about it.

This is about her - and what kind of person she is.

When I realized I gave my wife everything I could and she still moved out because she valued male attention over our marriage?

It liberated me.

It's not about me.

Wake up.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> ProudDaddy,
> 
> You are missing a key point.
> 
> Once you stop insisting this is all about you, healing will begin.


Proud, he makes a good point. As a friend of mine once said after his breakup, sh*t happens, and that's part of life. Part of letting to and moving forward is getting past the "woe is me" state of mind. You need to stop seeing yourself as the victim. 

The good thing is knowing you need to get there, as you said a few posts ago. Remember the progress you'd made a few days ago? Latch on to those feelings. Then, work on moving forward, and as my counselor suggested, remember "thought drives emotion", so think about something else, or at the very least the reasons why you should not be with her.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

But I am a victim in terms of what she did to me, how she used me, everything I had to give up that she still has
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are a victim but how does that profit you?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> But I am a victim in terms of what she did to me, how she used me, everything I had to give up that she still has
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was stuck in this mindset for months. I know completely what you are going through. I was left with an near empty house in which the little bit of stuff that I had was picked through( her friends went into the closet with my stuff in it and picked out stuff that was "hers".) That doesn't matter to me anymore, I never will forget it though. 
I know what you are saying is true. You fought for her, you tried, she didn't you or the "us". You are her loss, she is not your loss, though I know it feels horribe, keep that in mind. Focus on being a great father. Make those hours the best they can be. If you love being a father and are not getting enough time, by god, fight for your equal time or as much as you are capable of having. Regardless of the relationship between you and their mom, your kids deserve 2 loving parents.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> But I am a victim in terms of what she did to me, how she used me, everything I had to give up that she still has
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, you're a victim of someone else's actions and decisions. But just like someone diagnosed with a serious but treatable illness, you have the ability to either wallow in being a victim or chose to take control of the rest of your life. 

So what's it going to be?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

For me....I stop thinking about my ex wife sexually every time I have sex with someone else 

Yea that may sound kind of bad...but the reality is, when you meet new women and you are attracted to them, odds are they're going to be more attractive/better sexually, than your ex wife....

You may just be thinking of her because you're lonely and wanting that connection...once you meet someone else...those thoughts dwindle and fade. I promise. 

Eventually you will go from thinking about having sex with your ex, to thinking "Wow, what was I thinking? She wasn't really that good/attractive/sexy etc etc" when you compare her to your new love interests.

Chin up!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> But I am a victim in terms of what she did to me, how she used me, everything I had to give up that she still has
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you take on the role of victim, SHE WINS.

Just stop it.

Anthony DeMello says, ego must die.

Stop thinking about yourself in terms of what she does.

UNDERSTAND that she is a petulant child!

This has NOTHING do do with you.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i'm with conrad i spent years gauging my mood/life in terms of how my stbx was acting...he decides to leave, i finally realize i have a life and i'm going to be just fine. it was his bad behavior, his decisions--it wasn't about me after all! it is freeing, that's a great word for it.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

When my stbxw left I did feel like a victim. In a sense, I thought she was doing this *to* me, and I was overwhelmed by insecurity and self-doubt. In time I realized that was a symptom of being a "nice guy" and that I'd lost myself in the marriage. I also realized I was in an adolescent "you take care of me, I'll take care of you" marriage. When it fell apart, I felt abandoned. Took me a while to get out of the rut and realize what had happened.

This is not only an opportunity for me to rebuild myself as an individual, but to make sure I work on myself and enjoy a more mature, fulfilling relationship in the future. Getting back in touch with my core strengths has been amazing, despite a few backslides (only human). One door closes, and more will open... as long as you choose to see when that happens.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> When my stbxw left I did feel like a victim. In a sense, I thought she was doing this *to* me, and I was overwhelmed by insecurity and self-doubt. In time I realized that was a symptom of being a "nice guy" and that I'd lost myself in the marriage. I also realized I was in an çWhen it fell apart, I felt abandoned. Took me a while to get out of the rut and realize what had happened.
> 
> 
> This is not only an opportunity for me to rebuild myself as an individual, but to make sure I work on myself and enjoy a more mature, fulfilling relationship in the future. Getting back in touch with my core strengths has been amazing, despite a few backslides (only human). One door closes, and more will open... as long as you choose to see when that happens.



(Maybe) We feel victimized because "WE" didn't choose to end the marriage but the other spouse did. We had no choice. As far as an adolescent marriage, I married when I was in my teens so yes we do have some adolescent tendencies in my marriage, But I don't think the idea of "taking care of each other" or even some co-dependent tendencies would be bade especially after a long marriage (that may have had some illnesses). I talked to my therapist about the idea of being to co-dependent and it's after a while we just become so intertwined that it's not a bad thing, we just also have to know that we will survive through our grief. 

I have seen him turn himself into playing victim, but everyone who knows us know that HE left ME. He can try to play the victim (he!!, I feel bad for him sometimes), but in reality he is the one who is losing out by making these choices unilaterally. He has actually started acting more immature in many ways as the 'fight' progresses, I don't recognize it until I am telling a story and I hear myself describe him and it sounds like I am describing a teen. 

I know I will be feeling stronger, more confident w/o him here, but I do miss having that feel of someone taking care of me.

My dil and co-workers reassure me that I won't have a problem when I am ready to date... but so many kids, a demanding job, and my long term relationship may turn many people off.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Very normal to go through grief, but after a while the way we feel becomes a matter of choice and determination - that can be very empowering. 

My stbxw has a bunch of friends supporting her for being a strong, independent woman. I also know that some of them think otherwise, but are still giving her smiles anyway (this seem to be the case for women)? I wish her well.

I drive by her place several times a week - unavoidable since it's on the main drag in my town. Most times I make it a point not to look to see if the light's on in her apartment. But increasingly, I just forget to look.

Eventually, take enough small steps and you won't be in the same place for long.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

> If not today than perhaps tomorrow. Create a check list of "less than wonderful things" they have done to you to review when you find yourself drifting in this direction. It worked for me.


Proud - I think this is an excellent idea. Get a pack of 3 x 5 cards, and on each one write down one thing that your stbxw has said or done to hurt you since this all began. I'm sure you could fill the whole pack. Then review it every morning and evening and whenever you're feeling lonely for her - kinda cognitive behavior therapy.
Retrain your brain.


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