# Can this marriage be saved? I love my husband



## Alijoemom (Jul 15, 2015)

A week ago I got a phone call telling me my husband was having an affair. after going through all the emotions and talking with my husband I am feeling so confused. We have been together for 32 yrs, married 25 yrs and have two children over the age of 18. He tells me he does love me, but he also loves her. She wants him to leave me and move in with her now, but he says he is not ready for that yet. after 25 yrs, we have alot of life that has to be sorted out. He says he wants to continue to see her to see where it may end up. He doesn't feel he knows enough about her to end everything with me for her yet. He still lives at home with us and spends the weekends with her. We have not told the children or anyone else about this, So I have NO ONE to talk to about this, just my husband! So when he is with her I am home alone with no one to talk to and trying to keep a brave face on infront of the kids. I'm going CRAZY! I cant bare to lose him, I want to work this out, When he is with me I feel like we may still have a chance, we have had sex twice, but he also had sex with her. This all feels so wrong, but do I let him keep " dating" his mistress? or make him choose one of us and stand the chance of losing him to her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Here is OP's other thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-h...78561-how-do-i-save-my-marriage-plz-help.html

OP, it may seem a bit disjointed because of how the quote feature works, but I'll repeat the advice that I gave over there...



GusPolinski said:


> Geez. No. Please no.
> 
> If you want to stay in your marriage, tell him that he has exactly two choices... a) you (and *ONLY* you) or b) _not_ you.
> 
> ...


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, very sorry for the spot you are in.

I understand that you love your husband. Like, you, I also loved my XWW.

Can your marriage be saved? I can't answer that for certain, but I doubt you'll achieve a "save" if you continue down the path you are on.

This is the tie for action, not weakness.

Talk to a lawyer, see what your options are.
Get tested for STDs- take care of your health.
Expose the affair far and wide.
Eat right- see a doctor if you can't sleep and get some IC.

Read up on the 180 and implement ASAP.

Do not let your husband date another woman while married to you. That is no way to live.

Once he sees that he can't keep you both on a string and he understands what he has to lose, there is a chance he'll throw her under the bus. If that happens, do not rug sweep. Make him own his behavior and work at it or expect a repeat.

If I were you, I'd file today. You can always stop the divorce process. 

Good Luck
WD


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Please get control of yourself and this situation. Do not just wait for him to make a decision or let him get away with this. Tell the kids everything, put his clothes in a bag on the porch and tell him to get out. Then talk to a lawyer Monday and get your half. He will change his tune fast


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I can understand your situation to a point. My WS still works with the OW and is in contact with the second OW regularly. However I can not fathom why you are letting him play you guys against each other? You are both competing to get a man that is disrespectful to both of you. I get the fear of being alone after to many years together but how are you going to win this battle for your husband? Are you in counselling? You already lost him when he met her, as hard as this is to hear she is the new shiny probably younger model. Your best option is to not be a doormat and show the one thing he is not expecting, you to kick him out! You will look stronger and more attractive to him immediately. There is nothing attractive about a woman begging for a man that treats them like this. Think of the message you are giving your children!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OP, you're where my mother was about 10 years ago. I gave her the same advice that I've given you, though she didn't initially heed it. Here's a replay of what happened...



GusPolinski said:


> I watched my father string my mother along for about a year before she finally kicked him out for the last time and then filed for divorce. It was tough to watch. I had to resist the urge to knock the sh*t out of him. Looking back on it, I'm glad that I didn't even though I kind of wish that I had.





GusPolinski said:


> My father did more or less the same exact thing, except he was calling my mother from his wh*re's house WHILE still involved w/ her.
> 
> Geez... like a stupid, scared little monkey... unwilling to let go of the vine in his hand until he has a firm grip on the next.





GusPolinski said:


> My father spent at least a few months or so attempting to convince my mother to take him back after their divorce was final. She'd already moved back to our home state by that time, and he offered to leave everything and everyone behind in TX in order to be w/ her there.
> 
> After months of getting nothing but "No" from my mother, he caved and married his OW/now wife; I do hope it stung for her to know that (at least by that point) she was his Plan B.
> 
> Fugly b*tch.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I say expose his affair, if for nothing else than to give you a support system of people you can talk to about this

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Don't do this to yourself. I understand that you love him; you have been together for a very long time. But he isn't acting like a devoted loving husband to you at the moment. That is so unfair to you. Would you ever even fathom doing the same things to him? For your own sake, make a decision and act on it. He is screwing around with her and then coming home to you. How convenient for him and all the while "deciding" what to do. Nope, nope and nope that is not his call. Take care of yourself and sorry you are here.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

Your husband has betrayed you. And if that weren't enough, he's profoundly disrespecting you by flaunting his A in your face. He doesn't deserve your love at this point. He's daring you to divorce him. Your acceptance of all this has shown him that he can keep you around as his plan B. Don't allow that to happen. Find your anger and use it to fuel your resolve.

If you want the best chance to save your marriage, you have to be willing to end it.

My suggestion is that you don't even bother giving him the "it's her or me" speech. For now, let your actions speak for you. Expose him. Expose her. Implement the 180 to detach from him and set your trajectory toward divorce. Move him out of your bedroom. Talk to a lawyer. Make an exit plan. Separate your finances. Have him served with divorce papers.

If by chance he completely turns around during this process; is willing to accept consequences and demonstrate remorse - then you have a starting point to consider R and postpone the D. But not before.

If he doesn't turn around, and he may not; you've already got a head start toward detaching from him and moving on with your life.

Sorry you're here.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

I would say, I can see he has controlled you in someway or another through emotionally threatening ways your entire relationship. Healthy minded people who have one affair in their marriages, which can be worked through and moved past, don't do it in this sort of way. They don't have you waiting for them while they carry on over the weekends.

They easiest and fastest way to get control or these kinds of situations with people like your husband, who get some kind of satisfaction controlling you in this way, is to tell them enough is enough and do something that appears permanent to them.

Either file for divorce, let him casually come across a letter from your attorney that you leave out by accident, pack his bags and have them outside the front door or something like this.

He will be absolutely beside himself that what he thought was in order, is now totally upside down. 

Scary, but I can promise you if he isn't ready to leave you for her now, as in today, then he won't be ready to leave you for her tomorrow either. He still needs more time.

But if you give him a few more weeks or months, than he can perfectly well get more comfortable with the idea of leaving you, he just needs more time getting to know her, which you are letting hime have.

So, you either make it easy for him to leave you, or you make it easy for him to leaver her. 

He needs motivation.

Do something drastic and completely opposite of what he expects you to do, but you must follow through. No forgiving in the first 2 months.

Track him, keep track of him, expose her to anyone she knows and if he doesn't go cold turkey,( with withdrawals and all) he is out.

Send the message that he is not the boss of you.

This will work. You still have time, otherwise, he would have moved out already. But you may be running out.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Alijoemom said:


> A week ago I got a phone call telling me my *husband was having an affair*. after going through all the emotions and talking with my husband I am feeling so confused. We have been *together for 32 yrs, married 25 yrs *and have two children over the age of 18. *He tells me he does love me, but he also loves her. She wants him to leave me and move in with her now, but he says he is not ready for that yet.* after 25 yrs, we have alot of life that has to be sorted out. He says he wants to continue to see her to see where it may end up. He doesn't feel he knows enough about her to end everything with me for her yet. He still lives at home with us and spends the weekends with her. *We have not told the children or anyone else about this, So I have NO ONE to talk to about this*, just my husband! So when he is with her I am home alone with no one to talk to and trying to keep a brave face on infront of the kids. I'm going CRAZY! *I cant bare to lose him, I want to work this out,* When he is with me I feel like we may still have a chance, we have had sex twice, but he also had sex with her. This all feels so wrong, but do I let him keep " dating" his mistress? *or make him choose one of us and stand the chance of losing him to her?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> My heart goes out to you. This is a terrible betrayal.
> 
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kick him out. Seriously. The only way to save your marriage to to risk losing it. See a lawyer and start the divorce process. Stand up for your rights and get mean if you have to. He's an idiot for throwing away so many years of a marriage. You need to protect yourself, because he no longer will.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is not ready for that yet?

Make his mind up for him. File for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, it's very sad the way he is mistreating you, not only having an affair but flaunting it and discussing keeping it going. You need to tell him that cannot happen, he needs to leave the other woman or leave the marriage. Ask he to leave the house and if does not, you need to leave. (legally it's not clear you that can kick him out if he refuses to leave). Tell him there are no guarantees he can come back if he stays with the other woman. 

Then gather some money and put it your name, gather financial records and see a lawyer.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Listen to the advice above. Most of it is spot on. You have to force the issue.

I think the hardest thing I found (and others here who have been in the same situation) is finding the strength to kick someone you love out of house and home.

You need to trust that fact that if your husband wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to do so. 

I advise you secure your finances, kick him out, file for divorce and start working on your new life.

Don't make any contact, don't take any calls. At least for a month or so.

Start your new life for YOU, not him.

Trust me, if he wants in, he will come crawling back. Nothing you do will deter him.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
My advice is to support your H fully in his attempt to find his bliss. If you really care for him as much as you indicate then you should be willing for him to find happiness, whatever the personal cost to you. Therefore, tell him that you fully support his efforts to find his happiness and that you will step out of the way so that he may fully explore his new found interest. Inform him that you have spread the good news to your children and both his family and yours that he is on a quest to find true love. Then tell him that you wish him every happiness and that you hope things work out. Thank him for the last 25 years and express your regret that it has to end but that you realize how much more important his happiness is than yours and that you understand his reason for destroying his marriage, jeopardizing his relationship with his kids and other family members, sacrificing 25 years of his life and hurting you immensely.

Inform him that, since your happiness is no longer of any consequence to him, you must now ensure your own happiness just as he is pursuing his. Therefore, he must explain his behavior to the children and anyone else who needs clarification. Then he must find another base of operations since living there and dating may cause conflicting feelings for him and that you do not want to impede his efforts. Additionally, it is interfering with your happiness and is therefore unfair to you both. Ask that he provide you with his new address so that you can forward the necessary legal papers and explain that you will seek legal advice and begin the D process so that he can be completely free to concentrate on his quest. Then do your best to detach completely from him and concentrate on yourself.

It seems he has made this a competition of sorts. What does the winner get? Him? A man who is cheating on two women and so engrossed in finding his own happiness that he is willing to sacrifice the happiness of all those around him, dishonor himself, lie and shatter his integrity by breaking his word? This is the prize that you compete for? I feel strongly that the person he chooses will be the loser, not the winner. Please consider this carefully. I wish you strength and good fortune as you deal with this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> My advice is to support your H fully in his attempt to find his bliss.....Please consider this carefully. I wish you strength and good fortune as you deal with this.


I love it as tough love! But I can't imagine many people being able to actually pull off that level of sarcasm in a way that the other person would hear. But still it is a message that her H needs to hear from someone and you said it so well.


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