# Lack of honesty and openness, need help for rationality!



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

My husband and I are newlyweds. Since we got married we have discovered some major differences in communication, or being on the same "wavelength". I would say our biggest communication difference is I am very expressive of emotions and thoughts, and my husband, in his search for being agreeable, represses his feelings. When he finally lets it out it's outbursts, yelling, disrespectful and hurtful comments. I can accept and work on these things as I am working on being better at meeting HIS needs. Marriage is after all a partnership.

But right now at this very moment I am fuming. A background on why- he is best friends with someone I used to be friends with. This person, 5 years ago, when my son was just an infant, I emailed him that I did not think his relationship with a 17 year old was appropriate. He got mad, of course, and then I apologized and totally agreed with him it was none of my business and I should not have said anything to him. I can and do admit when I am wrong. But anyway he emailed me back three or four really long paragraphs- what ended up being over a page long of insults- of my SON. Saying things like 'retarded', 'waste of sperm', 'the next sling blade' etcetera etcetera. It was a really long page of insults! And he concluded it with 'don't come back to 'x' (my hometown) or I will beat your a**!'. 

I have seen him since then in my hometown and he did not even say a word to me. But anyway he's BF's with my husband. My husband wanted him to come to our wedding, and I explained to him about our history, that I understood if he didn't want to confront the guy about it because they've been friends forever, but I was really not cool with this guy coming to my wedding because frankly I despise him. So my husband said he understood this and would not invite him but would also not say anything to him in defense of me or my son (np, I understood that).

Now- just a few months later... he posted on this guy's FB page that he feels bad and that he should have "fought for him" to be at our wedding. Not only did he never say this to ME, that he felt he should have been vocal for him to be there, but I cannot believe he even feels that way considering the kinds of things this guy said to me!

So I am trying to understand, because I know if he never told me this there must be some flaw on MY behalf that he does not feel like he can come to me with problems, but I am really angry and we have had a good few days and I don't want to ruin it by bringing it up. Yet I also feel I have a right to express my hurt.

So does anybody have any advice for me on what my husband might be feeling as to why he didn't talk to me? Or how I should approach the subject to him? Or if I should bring it up at all?


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

You really showed him the e-mail this guy sent and he just shrugged it off?! 

I assume that this is just man-code chest thumping idiocy on his part.

I would have a very calm discussion with him as to why his FB response was hurtful and ask him to please understand your point and support you.

My comments will be alot different if her really shrugged that e-mail off though.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

anon_4_now said:


> You really showed him the e-mail this guy sent and he just shrugged it off?!
> 
> I assume that this is just man-code chest thumping idiocy on his part.
> 
> ...


No anon_4_now, I told him what he'd said. He knows this friend has a propensity to treat some people very badly and he didn't say or suggest in any way that he did not believe me. I don't like to hang on to anger or let people control my emotions, I deleted the email that the friend had sent me the next day and have not communicated at all with him since, I did not even send a retaliatory email in response to what he sent me. Also it was on a myspace account which I no longer have. But my H did not say he didn't believe me and I would never lie about that kind of thing besides. All he would say is that his loyalty to this friend was because of how he had treated HIM, and me and the guy were a separate thing from that.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I read your posts before, tell you honestly, shocked. 

You were a random poster, knew nothing about me, after the first sentence, VOMIT appeared. I can tell how strong you express yourself. 

But like you said, if you know you are wrong, you will apologize, it is a very good thing, it shows that you are willing to examine yourself and willing to change. It is a wonderful thing for a person to have. 

Let's forget what happened between that man and you. Let's focus on you and your husband. 


When we are talking to people, and we get offended easily, very soon people stop talking to us, because they don't want to offend us. 

When we become offended, we show our anger clearly, good at expressing our anger, but also it is a very good tool to scare people away. 

How to stay calm and rational? 

Learn not to care too much. Learn not to think: I am important, only I am right, others are wrong. Learn to respect others' right to have opinion, just like you want others to let you have your own opinion. you may not agree, but it is not necessary to get offended. Learn to talk with a mild and polite tone, when you disagree, just talk slowly and mildly, express your opinion, then other people will listen to you and try to understand what's in your mind. 

Learning to get along with people takes one person to be humble, I personally think it is a good idea for us to have a learning attitude. Always view others superior, always view others have something great you can learn from, always talk to people respectfully no matter who they are. 

Your husband is the most important person in your life, having a good relationship with him is so important that we can't lose the battle. Scaring him is the least thing you want to do. Respecting him is the key to get his love.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I read your posts before, tell you honestly, shocked.
> 
> When we are talking to people, and we get offended easily, very soon people stop talking to us, because they don't want to offend us.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I should have changed : Learn not to care too much! 

to

Learn not to be bothered too much!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know your husband. 

I don't know what kind of person he is! 

Yes, respect is mutual! Love is mutual too! 

You get respect when you respect others! 

You get love when you love others!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Hmm.. I may be completely wrong but this is what I think is happening.

Your husband understood your reasons behind not wanting that guy in your wedding and he went with it.

Now this guy.. the way you described how he sounds with his email to you.. may be *bit*hing* at your husband, how your husband allowed himself to be.. err.. kittywhipped.

By this, this guy is trying to send your husband on guilt trips (thus the facebook "I am sorry")... with this "you chose her over me, your pal" thing. There is this very rude expression probably used a lot in college, that I can't remember now, that speaks of this as a "guy code". This guy now may try to beat your husband on the head with it.

Question is what to do about it? 

I'd say if you try to, figuratively speaking, pull your husband to your side on the issue.. that may alienate him from you.. to the point of him actually siding with this guy... in this "you vs this guy" war.

I think - leave it. Let your husband deal with it on his own. Meanwhile you focus on showing him yours is a loving partnership, loving marriage, loving home etc.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I wouldn't leave it alone. I'd feel like it was something that would fester inside me unless I made it clear and understood that my husband knew how I felt.

Here is the key though...if you approach your husband with...YOU BETRAYED ME! He will never be willing to hear what you have to say.

My suggestion is to approach him calmly with a...What happened here? I'm confused by this and feel hurt by it. Why'd you write that on Facebook? Did you really wish you fought me to invite the guy to the wedding because I don't remember you saying this? Basically, I want to know what happened because I'm confused.

Then please do let him have a chance to answer and explain. Don't interrupt, don't project your anger or hurt to a point where it will make it so he can't explain. Basically, give the man a chance.

If you do this and can find resolve with your husband making a social mistake under pressure and not realizing it would hurt you then you won't add this blunder that did hurt you to your resentment pile. It doesn't need to be placed there unless you insist it be placed there. 

You know your husband. Would he have knowingly made the choices he did if he knew it would hurt you and devastate the value of your marriage to him? You may think he should know it would hurt you but what if he didn't and it was an off-the-cuff comment he made, that he didn't mean, to keep the peace with some guy he cares nothing about. 

He might feel bad and regret it but he won't let himself do that if you're raining down all holy hell on him. He'll defend himself...with things like...WTF it's not like I screwed some chick?! WTF you know I love you, this guy means nothing, back off!

Then you both added crap to your resentment pile.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

It was a DISASTER. I just wrote a whole long thing and then the computer went back a page by accident and it all got erased. I'll write again about it later. *sigh*


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Okay, well... I approached the conversation very rationally, spoke slowly and calmly. I guess he just wasn't in the mood for it. He was yelling a lot in defense of his friend and I said "it's not about him or what he said all this time ago, it's about our communication and commitment, I'm just trying to explain how I feel and understand where you were coming from and why you felt like you couldn't talk to me." It went nowhere. Once it reached the point where he was yelling and waving his arms around and walking towards me, posturing, my reptile brain turned on and my calm brain turned off. I have a bad history of physical violence by men, I get freaked out when men start yelling and walking towards me like that, especially if I am sitting down and not also standing up, so I'm not on their level. It's just a bad thing for me. I told him I could not have this conversation anymore, he would not listen when I told him he was threatening, intimidating and scaring me and to please sit down and lower his voice, until I finally yelled for him to sit down now and he could see how frazzled I truly was. I said we both can't be constructive right now, let's talk about this tomorrow.

And then yesterday morning I electrocuted myself (or rather the water heater did). I had to go to the hospital, had respiratory paralysis, muscle contracture, tachycardia episodes, the whole nine. My heart rate went from 88 to 136 in less than three seconds, they administered the meds and it went down thank God. So right now I'm focused on recovering from that. He has mentioned he wants to take anti anxiety medication and I am very anti psychiatric pharma drugs because in my mind they only mask the problem, they do not deal with it. It's a bandaid over a massive infected wound you know? I asked him if he would please agree to try some natural therapies first and he said that he would. He agrees he has a problem with self control and 'freaking out'. I really feel at this point like I don't want to talk to him about anything negative, because no matter how constructive I am, it's blown up so huge in his mind. It's so overwhelming.

So right now just trying to recover from the electric shock, and hoping we can keep this marriage together.


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

1. First and foremost, I hope that you have recuperated and that there are no lasting effects from the electrocution.

2. His aggresive posturing is a concern of mine. If he knows about your history of being abused and he still does this... I'd assume that he has already (or will) abuse you physically as he has already shown he'll abuse you verbally and with posturing. You need to decide if this marriage is what you really want for the rest of your life.

3. If you both want this marriage to last without any abuse, you both need to go to a marriage counselor to learn to communicate. 

4. Anti-anxiety meds are not a bandaid. They are a fix for a chemical imbalance. Don't fear them. Do you not take aspirin, tylenol, cold medicine (decongestant, antihistamine)? If you do, why? they are just a bandaids too. What's the difference?

"Natural Therapy" is usually a catch all phrase for taking herbs, meditaion, etc... If you are convinced that medication is not going to happen, make sure you understand the herbs and other therapies that are floating around out there before you start them.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I read your posts before, tell you honestly, shocked.
> 
> You were a random poster, knew nothing about me, after the first sentence, VOMIT appeared. I can tell how strong you express yourself.
> 
> ...


Expression based on perception.

What might be considered strong to you might not to others and vice versa.

Humble - yes

Idio - no

Doormat - no

There's a fine line between being humble and letting someone stomp all over you - believe me - I know and am trying to walk that fine line and keep my self-esteem intact.

I find someone who is aggressive, honest and very open to be refreshing.

That's how I am.

And it might offend people - but so what - that's who I am just like they are who they are.

People who cannot accept me as I am don't need to be around me. I do not surround myself with those who cannot accept me as I am and I wouldn't be around others that I can't accept who they are.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AvaTara539,

You are forward, expressive and don't pull any punches - I find that an attractive trait. It means that I wouldn't have to worry about you having two faces - what you see is what you get.

Same as me - I'm the same at work, at home and out and about - you don't have to worry about me talking behind your back or showing you a difference "face."

I don't find that insulting one bit.

I actually wished more people were like that - honest and upfront, it would definitely take care of a lot of BS that people sling these days.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

anon_4_now said:


> 1. First and foremost, I hope that you have recuperated and that there are no lasting effects from the electrocution.
> 
> 4. Anti-anxiety meds are not a bandaid. They are a fix for a chemical imbalance. Don't fear them. Do you not take aspirin, tylenol, cold medicine (decongestant, antihistamine)? If you do, why? they are just a bandaids too. What's the difference?
> 
> "Natural Therapy" is usually a catch all phrase for taking herbs, meditaion, etc... If you are convinced that medication is not going to happen, make sure you understand the herbs and other therapies that are floating around out there before you start them.


I've known a lot of people, many of them in my own family, who were chemically imbalanced. Medications *changed* them, their personality. If you want to address the root of why you have difficulty communicating without anxiety (and yes there is always a root, it's not 'just' a chemical problem) and from there pursue medication that is your choice. However given my history with my family and what I've experienced in my life, I have a pretty hard core rule that I will not get involved with chemically imbalanced people. I have been the caregiver for such individuals since early childhood and I don't have the desire or the emotional energy to do that anymore. Plus, there ARE herbs that help with anxiety (I know a fair amount about naturopathic methods).


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> AvaTara539,
> 
> You are forward, expressive and don't pull any punches - I find that an attractive trait. It means that I wouldn't have to worry about you having two faces - what you see is what you get.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your responses to this post, MarriedWifeinLove. My husband knows I am straight forward and he'll never be backstabbed by me or not knowing where he stands. I've been expressing some concern about self-medication the last couple of weeks. Since the incident I posted about, with the yelling and all, we've been communicating much better. However he has been drinking a lot at night and smoking weed with his friend once or twice a week (not in my home lol I don't like substances). I have expressed to him I always keep an eye out for self medicating, and he has a history of doing this. Which is kind of why I know there is a "root" to the anxiety. He used to be a huge weed stoner (why I was not interested in him 12 years ago when we first met, although I enjoyed talking to him), and in the years I hadn't seen him before we reunited he had a more serious drug problem for a while. He had been sober for 2 years though when we got together romantically.

My ideal is that I am going to take an optimistic view of things, our communication has improved but we still need to address certain matters. We can go see an MC early on and nip it in the bud before it becomes something really serious. His health insurance starts in a month and I'm confident about that. Although not sure if we should see an MC or he should see a personal counselor or both. I'm worried about the self medicating but it's kind of a red flag for me given my history with people who use drugs/alcohol and/or have chemical imbalances. I appreciate all the advice I have received on this forum


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

I meant not the weed at home, the alcohol has been but after my son is asleep.


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