# Same House



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

When you are entering a divorce but still in the same house how do you cope with your feelings? When I look at my wife I want to be near her but I can't. I think about her being with someone else some day, I can't control that either but it's painful to think about. I fall asleep often times downstairs on the couch but end up in bed at some point to get a few hours of comfortable sleep. Also I always wonder if things will change but it's painful to go from trying to move forward and thinking about the what if's. 

My atty advised me not to move out until the legalities are in order concerning support etc. 

How do you cope day to day with these feelings while in the early stages of a D and still under the same roof?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

oviid said:


> When you are entering a divorce but still in the same house how do you cope with your feelings? When I look at my wife I want to be near her but I can't. I think about her being with someone else some day, I can't control that either but it's painful to think about.


I can't help with the being under the same roof part, but the text I've quoted is true of any breakdown of relationship.

On the occasions that I have met my wife since she walked away, I have wanted to be near her, to hold her, to touch her, and to kiss her.

The thought of her with someone else makes my feel physically sick.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

My WAW moved to her mothers house and bomb dropped me by text. I have not heard her voice in 4.5 months and it still hurts.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Last week she mentioned IC and said something about not necessarily perusing a D right now. The idea was to attend IC to see if she could come to the point where we can work on us. I took it with a grain of salt but I still looked at it as hope. Then suddenly she started acting cold and upset. That started on Monday of this week after I posted something on my FB page about how I met her, and basically professing my love for her. Yesterday when I asked her why she was being so distant she said she feels like we went from talking about a D to me acting like everything is alright. Posting my comment on FB for everyone to see, most of them know we have problems, made her feel like a jerk. I guess it shows that she's the one who wants the D and not me. She said she feels smothered and when I try to hug her it makes her feel very uncomfortable too. So for three days she was acting cold towards me and I knew she was upset but she never just says why she's upset, she just shuts down. We then left the conversation at we are not necessarily going to reconcile even and she said she does not know if she's even going to seek out IC. I take that to mean everything is moving forward with a D. 

After that conversation yesterday morning she started acting friendly again. Even today while getting ready for work she was acting friendly, smiling and laughing. It's just so bizarre to me that someone can go from cold and distant and in a short amount of time act nice.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

oviid said:


> Last week she mentioned IC and said something about not necessarily perusing a D right now. The idea was to attend IC to see if she could come to the point where we can work on us. I took it with a grain of salt but I still looked at it as hope. Then suddenly she started acting cold and upset. That started on Monday of this week after I posted something on my FB page about how I met her, and basically professing my love for her. Yesterday when I asked her why she was being so distant she said she feels like we went from talking about a D to me acting like everything is alright. Posting my comment on FB for everyone to see, most of them know we have problems, made her feel like a jerk. I guess it shows that she's the one who wants the D and not me. She said she feels smothered and when I try to hug her it makes her feel very uncomfortable too. So for three days she was acting cold towards me and I knew she was upset but she never just says why she's upset, she just shuts down. We then left the conversation at we are not necessarily going to reconcile even and she said she does not know if she's even going to seek out IC. I take that to mean everything is moving forward with a D.
> 
> After that conversation yesterday morning she started acting friendly again. Even today while getting ready for work she was acting friendly, smiling and laughing. It's just so bizarre to me that someone can go from cold and distant and in a short amount of time act nice.


Emotional conflict will do this to a person.

Give her some space. No professing your undying love, no hugs. 

If she wants a hug, she'll initiate.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Emotional conflict will do this to a person.
> 
> Give her some space. No professing your undying love, no hugs.
> 
> If she wants a hug, she'll initiate.


That's the path I'm trying to stay on and doing good so far. I think it will be easier as time goes on. I do know the mood has improved dramatically in the house over the past couple days. 

I'm finding too that it's making it easier on me and I feel less clingy or needy. Looking for an opportunity to get a hug or show my love was just making me sad and nervous. I still feel sad but I am getting a hold of myself which is bringing up my confidence.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

oviid said:


> That's the path I'm trying to stay on and doing good so far. I think it will be easier as time goes on. I do know the mood has improved dramatically in the house over the past couple days.
> 
> I'm finding too that it's making it easier on me and I feel less clingy or needy. Looking for an opportunity to get a hug or show my love was just making me sad and nervous. I still feel sad but I am getting a hold of myself which is bringing up my confidence.


Good man.

Keep on keeping on.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I've been really focusing on this. Just this morning we had a long pleasant talk about the kids and just random stuff. We laughed and though it seems strange to me I do know too that this is better than fighting or being mean to each other. When we talk I just accept that's all it is, two people being polite but nothing past that. Sort of like when you talk to a friend. It's just conversation. 

I find too that when I don't hope for anything it helps me to look forward clearly without that distraction. The more I do that the more I am able to control my emotions.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am so sorry Oviid.
Are you 100% certain divorce is the solution??
I still think about my stbxh a lot, it pains me. We were separated and lived in same house for four months before I Left.
During those four months, he completely detached from me. He blocked me from FB, he went out with friends, he started meeting other women, he began texting many women, basically he began to act single, he started to live life to the fullest.
Every thing he did, hurt me a lot. But I suppose he was detaching, but that also told me he didn't want to continue with our marriage.
It has taken me a long time to accept it, I still think that he will change his mind.
I know that divorce is the best route. I wasn't happy. He obviously wasn't happy.
Sometimes two people are just not meant to be, we can bend over backwards to fix a relationship, but in the end it just doesn't matter.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Love yourself.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I'm not even 1% sure divorce is the solution. I believe divorce is the wrong answer. I love her and would work always to improve us. In the end though it doesn't matter how much I love her, how much I want this to work and whether or not I can picture us happy. You can't make someone want to be with you. The only thing I can focus on is to harden my heart and not entertain any thoughts of reconciliation.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

The past couple days have been good. I mean good in that the tone of the house is peaceful and friendly not that we have ever been one's to argue. The thing is it's hard to just keep pretending I'm not hurting but what can I do? I'm still living in this house for now but in time things will continue towards the divorce. My wife is friendly, we talk all the time, get along well and even went on a family outing this weekend. Being in that situation makes it hard for me to separate the fact that we are getting along so well from the divorce that's ahead. We have not talked about the divorce in more than a week but what's the point in going over it every other day. 

Sometimes when she talks to me I almost feel like we could be closer in that moment even working on things but there's no talk of that and I'm trying to just remember it's only friendly conversation, nothing more.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

oviid said:


> The past couple days have been good. I mean good in that the tone of the house is peaceful and friendly not that we have ever been one's to argue. The thing is it's hard to just keep pretending I'm not hurting but what can I do? I'm still living in this house for now but in time things will continue towards the divorce. My wife is friendly, we talk all the time, get along well and even went on a family outing this weekend. Being in that situation makes it hard for me to separate the fact that we are getting along so well from the divorce that's ahead. We have not talked about the divorce in more than a week but what's the point in going over it every other day.
> 
> Sometimes when she talks to me I almost feel like we could be closer in that moment even working on things but there's no talk of that and I'm trying to just remember it's only friendly conversation, nothing more.


All you can do is put on a brave face and plow through, it's tough, it's very tough, but it gets easier.

I used to have moments like that with my STBXW, but I've finally accepted that there just isn't anything there any more. It's sad, but it is what it is. Now it's up to me what I do with that knowledge.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> All you can do is put on a brave face and plow through, it's tough, it's very tough, but it gets easier.
> 
> I used to have moments like that with my STBXW, but I've finally accepted that there just isn't anything there any more. It's sad, but it is what it is. Now it's up to me what I do with that knowledge.



It is though but with the kids and all, things need to be easy on them so I just keep telling myself to be strong and focus on them. Divorce is hard on kids no matter how they might act. When the time comes for me to leave it will be harder for them and me. For now though I am really trying to just focus on the things I can control like my own actions. You say it will get easier but I wonder when?


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I was looking over a blog I've had since around 2006. There are entries from then that talk about her distance and how I wish she would just let me in. Like when we would go out to eat with family or friends she never sat next to me but always across the table or with people in between. Or when I would come home wanting to give her a hug but felt that distance, it's been that way for a long time ever as far back as ten years. There were times after MC that things improved and I made entries of that time too, really those were the happiest of times for me like when she would just hug me for no reason, smile at me or lay close to me in bed. I felt a real connection then and I think she was trying. 

Reading those entries makes me sad but it also makes me realized that I didn't and don't deserve to be treated that way. If I were a womanizer, abusive, really mean or something perhaps but I've never been any of those things. I deserve to be loved and not spend my life with someone who has not cared about me in a long time. I ask myself how the hell did I hold on for that long and why?


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

oviid said:


> I deserve to be loved and not spend my life with someone who has not cared about me in a long time. I ask myself how the hell did I hold on for that long and why?


Yes! I ask myself the same thing on my good days! As for living in the same house, ugh. It's tough. My "other half" is looking for his own place, sloooowly. We haven't yet decided if we are separating or divorcing, so things seem to be at a stand-still. I know how tough it is to be under the same roof, and I feel for you.

My best advice..Keep yourself busy, and focus on you. Easier said than done. My H has noticed that I've checked out, but it doesn't seem to phase him too much. At least it's keeping the peace. Good luck!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I still live under the same roof with my stbx. It's stressfull, no doubt. Without a word being said. I just focus on everything but her. I guess I don't have the problem of wanting to touch her or be near her. I can't stand to be in the same room with her. That's why I have to move out when it's final. For my own health.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

oviid said:


> When you are entering a divorce but still in the same house how do you cope with your feelings? When I look at my wife I want to be near her but I can't. I think about her being with someone else some day, I can't control that either but it's painful to think about. I fall asleep often times downstairs on the couch but end up in bed at some point to get a few hours of comfortable sleep. Also I always wonder if things will change but it's painful to go from trying to move forward and thinking about the what if's.
> 
> My atty advised me not to move out until the legalities are in order concerning support etc.
> 
> How do you cope day to day with these feelings while in the early stages of a D and still under the same roof?


Being under the same roof is extremely hard. In my case, it's been going on for months but the end is in sight.

Is there a guest room you can move into to have your own space? That is what I ultimately ended up doing. It helps to have a place to go when you don't want to be around them.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

As a gain my ground and composure I think about things. Things like why should I be the one to go? Why should I be "that dad" who leaves, finds an apartment and gets visitation rights. The fact of the matter is it's her that can't work on things. And the thing is there's no abuse or fighting, no other person that I know of anyway, just a really long time of poor communication and sadness causing loss of feelings. Those things can be worked out but she won't or can't. The more I think about that the more I am pissed off at it. Fine, you can't work on things well just leave is what I want to say. 

That's fine if she can't but why should I suffer for it. I make more money and can afford this house and the bills, she can't, so I would have pay money each month to allow that to happen for her and the kids. The thing is I can do those things for myself and the kids with minimal or no money from her. She should be the one to leave this house not me.

Am I out of order on this people or am I just waking up to something?


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> Being under the same roof is extremely hard. In my case, it's been going on for months but the end is in sight.
> 
> Is there a guest room you can move into to have your own space? That is what I ultimately ended up doing. It helps to have a place to go when you don't want to be around them.


I agree with LL here. As a fellow still living with my H but separated, it is best to move to a different room in the house, if possible and find your own space there.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

It's not so much about a problem with space. In fact I don't seek her out in any room or make attempts to show affection or anything. In fact I might be sitting in the living room doing something and she will enter the room, sit down and just chat with me, I'm not seeking her out in any capacity.

My question was more about how I feel like I should not be the one giving it all up. When we talked about who would move out, have primary custody etc. I was the one to make all those sacrifices but you know what this isn't the days where the mother just always gets the kids and the house. The fact of the matter is I am entitled to these things and fully capable of taking care of the kids and paying the bills too, I've proven that over the years. 

I guess I'm just venting more than looking for answers.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

Control. That's the word I try to focus on each day. Actually I've been doing good with that lately. No expressions of love, trying to hug her, saying anything relating to working things out. Still it's the way we spend time together often that I like but it's hard too. We have gone grocery shopping together, played board games/cards, talk every single day, laugh and have pleasant family evenings. But what I want to say is, isn't this good? Why can't this translate to seeing something here worth fighting for?

I don't do that and while I am hurting inside I keep my composure and push on with trying to make myself happy.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

My x and l were going to start of living like that at first but there was a good friend , probably more so OM , already on the scene so for that alone l thought, forget it.

But l reckon if there's no one else , although l know it's hard , maybe too not such a bad idea. You hear of couples making up through still being around each other.
Anyway , don't give up everything because your right and those days are gone for dads , get your bloody just deserves in your children and your property and stuff l say , especially if this is her choice.
lots of people here can give you good advice on all that too.
But yeah if your both gonna stay in the house and the d's a no turning back done deal , l'd definitely grab another room , nother floor myself. Too hard otherwise and it's not right anyway.
Good luck with everything.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

oviid said:


> As a gain my ground and composure I think about things. Things like why should I be the one to go? Why should I be "that dad" who leaves, finds an apartment and gets visitation rights. The fact of the matter is it's her that can't work on things. And the thing is there's no abuse or fighting, no other person that I know of anyway, just a really long time of poor communication and sadness causing loss of feelings. Those things can be worked out but she won't or can't. The more I think about that the more I am pissed off at it. Fine, you can't work on things well just leave is what I want to say.
> 
> That's fine if she can't but why should I suffer for it. I make more money and can afford this house and the bills, she can't, so I would have pay money each month to allow that to happen for her and the kids. The thing is I can do those things for myself and the kids with minimal or no money from her. She should be the one to leave this house not me.
> 
> Am I out of order on this people or am I just waking up to something?


I do not think you are out of order here at all! If she is the one who wants out of the marriage, doesn't want to work on it or try to fix it, then she should be the one to go.

50/50 custody is pretty standard now and there is no reason why you shouldn't get that.

I would NOT leave the house if I were you.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

oviid said:


> Control. That's the word I try to focus on each day. Actually I've been doing good with that lately. No expressions of love, trying to hug her, saying anything relating to working things out. Still it's the way we spend time together often that I like but it's hard too. We have gone grocery shopping together, played board games/cards, talk every single day, laugh and have pleasant family evenings. But what I want to say is, isn't this good? Why can't this translate to seeing something here worth fighting for?
> 
> I don't do that and while I am hurting inside I keep my composure and push on with trying to make myself happy.


My H and I, although separated but living in the same house also use to spend a lot of time together, grocery shopping, talking, doing puzzles, listening to music, and it did feel nice, and I use to think the same things you are thinking. Until I realized that it was more because we are comfortable around each other, have been friends for a long time, etc, than because we loved each other and wanted to be with each other in a romantic way.

We still spend time together and it is hard trying to separate it all, but to maintain your sanity, you have to try.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

LIMBOLADY said:


> I do not think you are out of order here at all! If she is the one who wants out of the marriage, doesn't want to work on it or try to fix it, then she should be the one to go.
> 
> 50/50 custody is pretty standard now and there is no reason why you shouldn't get that.
> 
> I would NOT leave the house if I were you.


I second this.


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

The more time goes by and my head clears as well as my confidence increases the more I feel like I should not be the one to lose it all. That realization will turn into something like a battle I think but I will fight for what I believe I should have. If I were the one who wanted out it would be different and I would take those lumps.


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