# Update/New Developments



## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

I had started to think that I am just being a crazy jealous insecure woman.

I feel like I'm pretty good & snooping. I was unable to recover anything from the iphone backup. Not sure why, but it's just not happening. I was able to get into his phone a few times & only saw texts & calls from male phone numbers.

Something is definitely up though. He's still going to lunch & having drinks during his work hour.
He is constantly picking fights with me.
He has recently decided to say that he is changing & doesn't like how our relationship is turning him into a different person.
He says he feels like he has to lie to me because if he tells me the truth, I will freak out on him so he is willing to lie in the off change that I don't find out.

Last night he says that he always has to "decide" whether he wants to kiss me or not. He said there are times that he definitely doesn't want to kiss me.

He says our communication is terrible...This is true. I don't know how to fix this.

I have been going to conseling by myself for over 3 months now. I have asked if he would go to marriage counseling with me. He says he doesn't have time. He says he can't take off work for marriage counseling. I told him he has a TON of vacation time he could take & he says he will NOT take vacation days for counseling.
He said that if it is an ultimatium of marriage counseling or divorce, he is choosing divorce.

What is going on here? 

I literally cried all night last night. Pulled myself together as best as possible to get to work today, but I look like a crazy person with swollen eyes.
I'm not sure what to do, but I'm scared. We have 3 small children...I don't think I can do this on my own & I have no family...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am sorry you are here.

First, you need to start to win back some of your own self-respect. I imagine right now you are spending a lot of time dwelling on this issue. What that likely means is that you aren't doing other things you should be doing. Maybe you aren't taking a shower, or putting on a little makeup. Maybe you aren't eating right. Maybe you let the kids watch a little extra tv. Maybe the kitchen is a wreck.

I strongly recommend that you step back and reclaim whatever it is in your life that you've let lapse since you've become concerned about his behavior. "Woman up" and figure out how to do each part of your life that is in YOUR control to the best of your ability.

The reason you should turn around and do this is that it does wonders for your self-esteem. NOT so you can look nice for him or make him happy, because apparently that is a waste of your time right now. No, this is about being proud of who you are as a person, whatever your roles--mother, for one, and if you are primarily responsible for upkeep of the house, two, and if you have a job outside the home, three.

Turning your attention back toward these tasks is a way of showing yourself that you are in control of SOMETHING in your life, even though you cannot control him. It prepares you for whatever lies ahead--because the truth is, you can't make him love you, or respect you, or treat you right. You can only control YOURSELF.

I'm sorry that he is saying that he'd divorce you rather than attend marriage counseling. That is a really low-life thing to say. And I expect he is saying it because he knows you're backed into a corner without support or resources. He thinks he can threaten YOU with divorce and this will shut you up.

Here is what I'd do--keep going to counseling, that's for sure. Then visit a lawyer and discuss what your rights are. Sometimes, just KNOWING for certain what your options are can give you strenghth. It gives you choices. It might turn out that legally, a divorce would not be the very worst thing that could happen to you. Once you know the lay of the land, you may have the courage to call his bluff on the issue of divorce and have a stronger hand in getting him into counseling.


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

That's the funny thing. I've lost 15lbs since the beginning of the year. I've totally learned new makeup tricks. I've really been taking care of myself. For some reason he seems completely dis interested. I agree that I have to move on with my life & not completely sulk. I'm just wondering what is going to turn him around.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

That's terrible to hear. The most important thing you can do is to work on yourself to make you a better person - both physically and mentally. Good start at losing some weight and helping yourself to look better with make up, but you also have to help yourself on the inside too. If you are afraid of communicating your feelings, you'll need to learn how to overcome this - which would also help your marriage. Are you a doormat to your hubby? Then you need to work on improving your assertiveness and being willing to "say no" so that you can build up your self respect. 

My guess and this is JMO, when you gain more self respect, your husband will respect you more. Also, it's very selfish if he won't burn a few vacation days to try to work on rebuilding your marriage.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

He says that he would do nothing to jeopardize your marriage.



sleeptodream said:


> When I talk to him about it he says that I don't trust him & that he would do nothing to jeopardize our marriage or our family. He said he takes his vows seriously.


He says that he'd choose divorce over marriage counseling.



sleeptodream said:


> He said that if it is an ultimatium of marriage counseling or divorce, he is choosing divorce.


It is impossible for both of those statements to be true.

I'm leaning towards the second one myself.

You cannot believe a word this man says.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

sleeptodream said:


> That's the funny thing. I've lost 15lbs since the beginning of the year. I've totally learned new makeup tricks. I've really been taking care of myself. For some reason he seems completely dis interested. I agree that I have to move on with my life & not completely sulk. *I'm just wondering what is going to turn him around*.


There's really nothing YOU can do to turn him around. He's in control of his own behavior and from the sounds of it, he's up to no good.


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks for the support everyone! This is exactly what I'm thinking. It is such a mind f*ck when everything you do is criticized & you're led to believe that you're crazy...
I'm just going to keep plugging away. Honestly at my counseling sessions i'm going to tell my counselor I don't want to discuss my marriage. I've got to work on myself.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am really sorry about this. How very heartbreaking for you that he would rather divorce than go to MC.

Good for you to shift your focus to you & your children. Smart woman.


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