# My heart wants to trust but my intellect wont let me



## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

I have been married 25 years and its ben mostly a struggle. I love my wife but seem incapable to make her happy. The children are now grown and out of the house but visit often. To get to the heart of the matter my wife has had a couple of infedelities in our marriage that i suspect of but in the last 10 years the marriage has bee cordial but not as it should be. Many years ago maybe 23 years ago one of my wife went to one of my good friends maybe to vent get advice of who knows what when we were having issues. We lived far from home and 1000 of miles but this happened on a visit home. One day a letter came in the mail from him and i opened it thinking it was for both of us since he was my friend. He wrote a letter that i cant even remember but the jist was he was in love with her. My wife tells me he missunderstood her and she did not instigate it that it was my friends infatuations. Well i basically never contacted my friend again and told her to stay away. 2 years or so later we moved back home. And after a year or so i new something wasnt right so i found out where this ex friend lived and waited outside the apartments and sure enough there was my wife once again claiming it was just a friendship. My ability to trust her was getting thinner. After working through this and many years if mostly bad but some good my wifes step dad dies and my wife spends a few weeks with my mother in law. She then tells me that she is not going back anytime soon because she feels a lot happier over there she writes me a letter if what a good husband i have been how well ive treated her but that she is not happy we are not compatable ect. I agree and hope we can work things out. A few weeks later i go to check my cell bill and i see a reaccuring number on her phone. I do some research and find out is that same guy. I look through a year and a half and i see that they are talking an average of 3 times a day and around 30 minutes Total per day but sometimes an hour. Then i notice on many weekends not there are no phone calls. My wife had been house sitting or helping friends ect or so she said many weekends. I call her and ask her whats the deal. She tells me its just talking but its not a relationship. This guy never got married by the way. She says that the house sitting ect was all legit. My heart wants to believe her but my mind says its all lies. I have not checked anything she does and assumed she was telling me the truth for at least 15 years. She has many health problems but has gotten much better in last 4 or so years. She insists she is not seperating because of this and that there is no relationship with this guy but friends. I can go in too many details of our relationship but it would just bore you. My problem is i dont believe her and that this is the last straw and there is no remedy. But i love her so much i cant let her go. She tells me its probably best to divorce but wants me to do it which i dont understand. She also thinks the fact im suspicious of her over all these phone calls means i dont trust her. Am i insane delusional or am i being played like a fool? Is it not normal to react without trust after such evidence? What say you


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He?s been in your marriage the whole time. That?s why it?s never been s good one.

You just rolled over and took it. Like you?re doing now.

Look back at your past because that will be your future too.

Your life is what you make it. Your actions or lack of tell her you accepted it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie a lot and it sounds like you?ve been swallowing it for years.

If you just have to have hard facts put a PI on her but it sounds like you really don?t want the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

listen to your head, your heart will thank you for it eventually.


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

So why does she not file for divorce


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Zackzook said:


> So why does she not file for divorce


She wants you to be the bad guy.


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

Why would i waste my money on a PI the evidence is overwellming. Its just so difficult to do.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Zackzook said:


> Why would i waste my money on a PI the evidence is overwellming. Its just so difficult to do.


Just file. Shes been cheating on you for over 20 years!

For crying out loud file already!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wouldnt trust her either. Even if it wasn't physical, which I doubt, its still an emotional affair.

Do you really want to be with a woman who cheats and lies? Who has deceived you for years?

BTW its not that you haven't made her happy, its that she thinks nothing of cheating and lying to her own husband.


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

So their is no hope no cure. The only remedy is divorce. Its useless to even try. 

One other thing she says that she doesnt want anything if we divorce financially and materialy speaking. She does not work. If i do a mutually agreed divorce and do the paperwork have her sign it file ect. I have a fear that when we get infront of the judge or howevr it works she will change her mind or something and i will get hosed. How does all that work. 

Im in texas

Also why do i keep thinking in my mind its me thats at fault somehow. I mean intellectually i think ive done the best i can but my heart feels guilty somehow. 

We have not had sex in well over 10 years the excuse has been that her chronic desease makes it too painful this has caused some resentnent from my part but ive learned to live with it. The only person ive had sex with is her in my whole life and i can say even then the sex has not been good from the get go. 

My belief system despises divorce (for better or for worse in sickness and in health forgive ect..)

I have been grasping on hope but once again intellectually ive had no hope for many many years and its as if im waiting for some miracle. 

Due to her chronic desease she has was basically in bed 90% of the time for the last 12 years and was addicted to prescription pain medecine that the doctors gave her in excess oxy cotton ect many many pills. She was basically a drug attic. I took care of her the kids and worked she is a good mother that i can say. I finally but her in rehab by advice from her psychologist and she blames me for this and says she tries but cant forgive me. After rehab she on her own got off the medecine lost the weight she gained and is healthy now. I doubt during these 12 year period she was having any affairs. 

She still suffers her chronic ailment but just deals with the pain. Her childhood was not so good also. 

All these things make it difficult. Due to the death of her step dad she can live with her mom and her mom inherited enough money to take care of her have a roof over her head ect. I think this is the catalyst that gave her the will to seperate. 

My whole marriage has been trying to make her happy somehow but never succeeding. During the addiction period it was mostly frustration of giving and never getting back (there are some brief good periods but it always feels conjured or something i cant explain it) i thought her health getting better was the miracle ive been waiting for. But i have concluded that it is trully impossible for me to make her happy and i cant be somebody different than what i am. Intelectually i concluded this many many years age but kept trying (maybe half heartedly) after she got healthy and the relashionship did not get better i withdrew in my hobbies ect and the relationship became more of a cordial emotional seperation i just gave up trying we dont argue any more we go out infrequently every weeken just about she would go with her friens house sitting ect (or so she says but as i mentioned the phone bill that shows every call she made for the last year and a half which is as far back as it goes shows that she made almost no calls to this guy but the week days when she is at the house shows almost consistently 1 phone call in the morning (i assume when this guy is driving to work) one phone call around lunch time one phone call around 5pm and many time one late phone call that is 10 minute to an hour long. I could almost cosistently find the weekends by just looking at the pattern weekends o to 2 calls




(i believe) she is finding and giving what ive been looking for to someone else. This fact is so painfull its almost unbearable. 

Another issue i suspect is this

She claims that she will never nor never does talk bad about me to the children (well they are adults now) but i get a sense that somehow she is convein that her unhappiness is somehow my fault. I dont want to convei to them that their mom is untrustworthy and a cheat.

I feel like once we get a divorce i will be made to look like the uncaring person who abandoned mom. I will be the excuse for all her future and past unhapiness and misery. I suspect this is why she wants me to file 

Just so you know im the more authoratarian person and she the more fun person when it comes to the kids. 

Yet through all this my heart tells me maybe i could have done better maybe there is something i missed maybe it is my fault but my intellect says otherwise and this is my torment. Also something i cant logically explain even though our relashionship was just cordial and not intimate and when she was here i felt somewhat lonely in this past few weeks in an empty house the loneliness is been amplified greatly. It makes no sense. I also doubt my instincs and get confused as to what is reality and what is lies. 

I feel completely manipulated to the point where i question myself when i dwell in what i believe is reality i get angry sad and despair. Yet i feel love for her and forgiveness for her and sadness for her and blame for me. All this at once. 

I feel delusional and loggical at the same time.

Its torture

Should i tell my children what i believe to be the truth. Show them the phone bill (she figured out how i made my conclusions and got her own phone but i copied the bill)

Or should i just divorce her and not mention the real reason to them?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Zack you need to divorce this woman as quickly as you can.

You need to seek counseling for your codependency.

It doesn't get any better until you take control of your life back.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Man I hope your heart can read what your fingers have typed.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Zackzook said:


> *
> like once we get a divorce i will be made to look like the uncaring person who abandoned mom. I will be the excuse for all her future and past unhappiness and misery. I suspect this is why she wants me to file
> 
> *


See my post above. 

It's so much better for her to keep the status quo.

You? Not so much.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, she has been cheating on you.
Has it been physical?

Who knows, I can believe it has not been. You have not had sex with her in ten years. And she has not complained? She is the one who cuts you off?

The pills are her lovers. She lives for them. 
She is getting emotional support from this other unmarried loser. This piece of spam, other man. They are holding each other up... off the floor.

Her and her POSOM are sad characters. Very sad. 

You know something? I hope he is putting something else in her, something warm and filling. 
Not drugs. She needs a lover, he needs a lover.

You need out, you need another women to shower attention on. You are codependent. 
Codependent with a drug company that lays in bed all day...and moans, groans, and talks on the phone.

Get a life, get out of jail.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Zack, 

i suspect on some level you have always known the truth, but you were in denial, based on large part to who you saw her to be, and not on what she has become....and on some level you still are. You also know what your gut tells you....but here is the thing...you don't have to listen to us, you don't have to take our advice, you can log off this site and never look back, but that does not stop making it so.....if you want to spend the rest of your life in denial that is your prerogative, you can not deny the truth. But you can not deny your wife actions....so stay married, divorce, or open your marriage at the end of the day your wife will do what she wants she has no incentive to leave you she has everything she needs. But if you think for one sec you have her respect you don't, and if you don't respect yourself then put your head back in the ground....but we are not your enemy....honestly Zack i don't care, you have honest advice here, from people who have been there done that, take it or not take it but don't ***** about it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Zack,

Be honest with us. When did you two stop having sex? Is this even a marriage or simply a roommate situation?

It appers you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. You deserve to be happy and it's never too late to start over. Almost all of us posting in your thread, me included, have been there. Life is too short. Don't have regrets.


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

I did report on the sex in thread all u got to do is read it


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

But if the reading is too long for you less often than a priest


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Just exactly was your head when you were listening to your heart? Trust the facts.. Make sure they hare accurate and not assumptions.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Zackzook said:


> My problem is i dont believe her and that this is the last straw and there is no remedy. But i love her so much i cant let her go. She tells me its probably best to divorce but wants me to do it which i dont understand. She also thinks the fact im suspicious of her over all these phone calls means i dont trust her. Am i insane delusional or am i being played like a fool? Is it not normal to react without trust after such evidence? What say you


Herein lies the problem. You are contradicting yourself. You say that this is the last straw and then contradict yourself by saying you can't let her go. Yet, you are not in control of what your wife does. You have no choice except to let her go, because she has left. 

I'm sorry to say this, but yes, you are being played for a fool. Believing her is foolish, because she is clearly and obviously lying to you. Forget your head. Forget your heart. Trust your gut. You know in your gut that your wife is a lying, cheating woman and that she is not on your side. She doesn't have your interests at heart, but in fact doesn't seem to have any trouble stabbing you in your heart. 

Wrap your mind around these truths. When you are struggling to let her go, acknowledge that pain, but let it pass through followed by new thoughts about how much better it is for you to life a life where you are not being cheated on and lied to. Look forward to a better life where you are valued rather than treated abusively. Let go of the dream of what you want marriage with her to be like. She cannot fulfill your dreams. Then let her go and make a plan for a new, happier life.


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

Well she took her stuff today and she says she is filing for divorce


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Oh Lord, Zack. Did you stopped developing mentally in your teens? You ask questions and respond with a lack of cognitive development that it reads like you are an innocent child. This is so sad that a grown man have no malice or enough perception as to live his whole life with this woman in a fog. 

What really worries me as time goes by is the higher and higher incident of males that are basically clueless and so passively beta when it comes to women that before we know it the big majority of males will be such a puss that women will have to become lesbians because they will be so turn off by the pathetic, spineless, clueless males like this OP.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> Oh Lord, Zack. Did you stopped developing mentally in your teens? You ask questions and respond with a lack of cognitive development that it reads like you are an innocent child. This is so sad that a grown man have no malice or enough perception as to live his whole life with this woman in a fog.
> 
> What really worries me as time goes by is the higher and higher incident of males that are basically clueless and so passively beta when it comes to women that before we know it the big majority of males will be such a puss that women will have to become lesbians because they will be so turn off by the pathetic, spineless, clueless males like this OP.




Wow. Way to kick someone when they are down. 

You've uncovered the secret of the sisterhood. 

We've all been systematically cheating on men and breaking them down emotionally so we can all run off hand-in-hand to Lesbian Island together. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

Zackzook said:


> Well she took her stuff today and she says she is filing for divorce




I'm sorry Zack. This really sucks.

I know you can't see it now but it's good that she was the one to pull the trigger on the marriage by filing for divorce. It doesn't seem like you ever would have, because you were too trusting and too hopeful. 

You are going to be ok. You will get through this. 

Try to get into individual counseling as soon as you are able so the counselor can help you set boundaries in place that are most conducive to your personal growth and healing. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@guaca: you forgot to include the island address, so that some of us "men" could try to change your mind about the lesbian thing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Zack I am guessing you will not confront her or tell the kids about the other man. It's not your nature.


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## Zackzook (Nov 1, 2017)

I did confront her and she lied before even starting this thread i did that. 

You think i should tell the kids about this? I dont think thats a good idea.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Zackzook said:


> I did confront her and she lied before even starting this thread i did that.
> 
> You think i should tell the kids about this? I dont think thats a good idea.


Well, if you don't think it's a good idea I guess you should follow your own counsel. After all, look at the great results you've already attained that way. :slap:


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For crying out loud man, grow some balls. Of course you have to tell your children. What do you think she will tell them? She will make sure that her version of the sordid story is what they'll believe, you have a conniving woman there.


Moreover are your children 4-5 years old to be shielded? No..they're adults out of the house, they should know all about it, otherwise in the end you'll be the bad guy, the *******. It is about time that you stop projecting into your children the pathetic doormat man message you have been given them all your life. Have some respect for yourself.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I'm sorry for your lost decades of life, OP. Women prefer decisiveness and strength over passiveness and weakness. I am not blaming you for her infidelity and lack of care, but she may have preferred a flavor other then vanilla. I suggest a Clint Eastwood film fest. Watch and learn. Man up and move forward. It's not too late to change if you have the will... 

Tell your kids the whole story. The truth will set them and you free.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Zackzook said:


> I love my wife but seem incapable to make her happy.


It's not your job to make her happy. 

Not now, not ever. She owns her misery.

Get out of that ****ing mind set.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Zackzook said:


> I have been married 25 years and its ben mostly a struggle. I love my wife but seem incapable to make her happy. The children are now grown and out of the house but visit often. To get to the heart of the matter my wife has had a couple of infedelities in our marriage that i suspect of but in the last 10 years the marriage has bee cordial but not as it should be. Many years ago maybe 23 years ago one of my wife went to one of my good friends maybe to vent get advice of who knows what when we were having issues. We lived far from home and 1000 of miles but this happened on a visit home. One day a letter came in the mail from him and i opened it thinking it was for both of us since he was my friend. He wrote a letter that i cant even remember but the jist was he was in love with her. My wife tells me he missunderstood her and she did not instigate it that it was my friends infatuations. Well i basically never contacted my friend again and told her to stay away. 2 years or so later we moved back home. And after a year or so i new something wasnt right so i found out where this ex friend lived and waited outside the apartments and sure enough there was my wife once again claiming it was just a friendship. My ability to trust her was getting thinner. After working through this and many years if mostly bad but some good my wifes step dad dies and my wife spends a few weeks with my mother in law. She then tells me that she is not going back anytime soon because she feels a lot happier over there she writes me a letter if what a good husband i have been how well ive treated her but that she is not happy we are not compatable ect. I agree and hope we can work things out. A few weeks later i go to check my cell bill and i see a reaccuring number on her phone. I do some research and find out is that same guy. I look through a year and a half and i see that they are talking an average of 3 times a day and around 30 minutes Total per day but sometimes an hour. Then i notice on many weekends not there are no phone calls. My wife had been house sitting or helping friends ect or so she said many weekends. I call her and ask her whats the deal. She tells me its just talking but its not a relationship. This guy never got married by the way. She says that the house sitting ect was all legit. My heart wants to believe her but my mind says its all lies. I have not checked anything she does and assumed she was telling me the truth for at least 15 years. She has many health problems but has gotten much better in last 4 or so years. She insists she is not seperating because of this and that there is no relationship with this guy but friends. I can go in too many details of our relationship but it would just bore you. My problem is i dont believe her and that this is the last straw and there is no remedy. But i love her so much i cant let her go. She tells me its probably best to divorce but wants me to do it which i dont understand. She also thinks the fact im suspicious of her over all these phone calls means i dont trust her. Am i insane delusional or am i being played like a fool? Is it not normal to react without trust after such evidence? What say you


Time for you to man up and kick her out. She has been playing you unfortunately and this OM has been on the sidelines and maybe in your marriage on and off. Why do you tolerate this. Tell her to go for MC and confront all the issues with a mediator, be frank you have nothing to lose Tell her your trust is gone and you are not sure that you want to remain married to her. Get your ducks in a row and give her the papers. You have your head in the sand, she is offering you a get out, give her what she wants but expose both of them before you hand her the papers. Tell your grown up children, family, friends, etc everything, do not let her ride off into the sunset with him.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Sorry you are going through this but its for the best. You deserve a happy life. I could not conceive living with this doubt coupled with a lack of a sex life for 10 years. Married to a woman with addiction who is cheating on you. Others have said grow a pair in regard to leaving her. I can tell from your posts and your reactions to this perceived POS cheater trying to **** your wife, you are a nice guy. That was not a complement. I once was one. I would say now that you are sure its over grow a pair for your next relationship. Stay on this website, read, communicate openly, take advice, reflect, read more. To you this may seem super harsh but I would urge you to take the advice from people on TAM not just in this post but in your future posts for what they are, unfiltered advice from people with only the facts you present. We have no interest in sugar coating things to protect your feelings like a friend or family member may do, its real, sometimes real hurts, especially when its never happened to you before. I know when I posted my first post I got my ass chewed out by quite a few people. That had never happened to me before. Some of them were total *******s but much of it was valid feedback that was just tough for me to process in my current state. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It started the changes I made in myself that made me who I am today. I ****ing love who I am today. After you have gone through this extremely difficult situation and you are ready to start working on something you never have, your own happiness, come back to TAM. Mens section sticky stop #1.


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