# no one to talk to...



## photomom (May 1, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, we dated for 2 and a half years before we got married. the past three years have been very dry in the sex department.. My husband has back problems that have gotten worse over the years, he's 35 and has already had one major back surgery. he sleeps on the couch because it is less painful on his back. my issue here is, we havent had sex in almost 3 months and it's really getting to me. I get angry and hurt, I feel ugly and unattractive, and just so lonely... I have told him how I feel more then once, but he still wont even try to have sex with me. he's more then happy to allow me to preform oral sex on him, but he will not return the favor. I realize that I dont look the same as I did when I was 18 but after 3 kids and a lifetime of stress, who would?? I'm not over weight, but I've always had body image issues and this is not helping! I'm 30 years old. I'm not ready for my sex life to be over!!!!! Our marriage has made it through hell and back, and I want to push through this, I just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel... I have no one to talk to about all this, it's just not something I want to share this with friends and family. any advice would be helpful. thanks.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Sorry. For starters I would stop giving him Oral if he is not willing to return the favor. I think you might want to consider more time alone together. With three kids I am guessing your date nights might be slacking off as well as your sex life. Go out on a date this weekend, when you are alone let him know you hope the night ends with sex without having a big long drawn out discussion about it. Just say something playful and quick and leave it at that. If you try to have a long talk about the problem you might just make it more difficult to get things going later, but for sure don’t get him off first again.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I know what it's like to be in a marriage where leaving isn't an option, yet you are worried if you pain will forever get in the way of your sex life (though your case is more extreme than mine). In my case my wife often times experiences pain before, during and after intercourse (as well as other issues). We have been largely sexless through much of our ~15 year marriage.

Those feelings of being unattractive and ugly are similar to what men experience in the same situation. It's tragic, but also normal given your circumstances.

Since he doesn't want to try to have sex, and you've explained how much you want your sex life to continue. I'd recommend talking to the doctor to see if he has any suggestions on how patients with similar back issues continue their sex lives.

If the doctor has nothing for you, then I'd recommend going to see a counselor about this issue. It won't go away on it's own as you well know.

My wife and I started seeing a sex therapist about a month ago to get through our issues. So far we've had some good progress. Additionally just this morning I was able to get her to go in for a 3rd evaluation as for the causes of pain and we now have a diagnosis and a therapy that we hope will help.

Our circumstances are quite different, but I'd recommend a similar course of action.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i, for one, do not understand a husband not wanting to be intimate with a willing and eager wife. i equally do not understand it in reverse. why is it so hard


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

There are about a million possible reasons for this.

Start with talking to him. And have him go to the doctor for a checkup. Make sure they take a look at his Testosterone levels.

STOP giving him oral. Or - tell him "Ladies First!"

But mostly - keep communicating and don't give up.


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

I have only tried giving him oral out of desparation!! we had his testosterone levels checked about a year ago and they are fine, viagra did nothing. he is on alot of medication for his pain and depression and he says that, that is the reason why he has no interest. and a date night is out of the question. my husband has not been able to work for some time now and does not recieve ssd. the money i make is spread very thin. sometimes my mom will take the kids for a night, but instead of fooling around (like we used to) he just falls asleep on the couch.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

photomom said:


> I have only tried giving him oral out of desparation!! we had his testosterone levels checked about a year ago and they are fine, viagra did nothing. he is on alot of medication for his pain and depression and he says that, that is the reason why he has no interest. and a date night is out of the question. my husband has not been able to work for some time now and does not recieve ssd. the money i make is spread very thin. sometimes my mom will take the kids for a night, but instead of fooling around (like we used to) he just falls asleep on the couch.


is he on narcotic pain medication? (hydrocodone, oxy or similar)


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

photomom said:


> sometimes my mom will take the kids for a night, but instead of fooling around (like we used to) he just falls asleep on the couch.


Wow... Sorry that sounds terrible.


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

he's on dilauded.... lots of it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

photomom said:


> he's on dilauded.... lots of it.


Yikes. I don't know what that does to sex drive, but my mom was on that in the hospital after a surgery...I've never seen her like that before.

THAT is probably a big reason for his lack of sex drive. If he's on depression meds, many of those kill sex drive, too.

ETA: And I'll venture that the dilauded could even be aggravating his depression. My mom, who is normally a very calm, relaxed, undemanding person became cranky, irritable, uncomfortable and unhappy with everybody and everything around her in the hospital. That would happen a short while after every time she was given the medication, and it would last for a few hours until it wore off or she fell asleep.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

photomom said:


> he's on dilauded.... lots of it.


Umm...sorry to be Mr. Obvious - but that could have something to do with it...

Not that my keen observation here is of any real help.

:scratchhead:

So - married - 3 kids - and if he wasn't disabled, that medication would keep most people from doing a lot of things.


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

there is nothing I can do about his meds, he can still get an erection, he just doesn't want to even try. many times, I had sex with him even when I wasnt in the mood! why? because rejection hurts!!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, there are other pain medications, and other depression medications. They don't all have the same effects on people.

You might at least ask his doctors whether there is a possibility of switching medications because the ones he is taking are having a terrible effect on your marriage.

Your husband might not even realize that he's turned into a different person on these medications, by the way. He might not realize the effect they have had on him. He might think he's just "not in the mood" when really, his pills are creating a problem.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

photomom said:


> many times, I had sex with him even when I wasnt in the mood! why? because rejection hurts!!


Yes it does, it really can eat away at you if the rejection continues. Talk to the doctor. Like norajane said, maybe he can be put on something else. Something that will deal with the pain and leave your husband acting more like... well your husband.


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

I will talk with my husband and see if he will be willing to talk with his doctors.... here's hoping.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

photomom said:


> I will talk with my husband and see if he will be willing to talk with his doctors.... here's hoping.


Good luck...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

photomom said:


> I will talk with my husband and see if he will be willing to talk with his doctors.... here's hoping.


Try googling all the medications he is taking and take a close look at the side effects. You may be able to identify some of them in your husband. That could help you show him that his medications are affecting him in certain ways he might not see.

Being specific like that should also help you when talking to the doctor about the effects his meds are having on him, and will give the doc a better idea of which meds to substitute.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I agree with the others about addressing his medication with the doctor. It may not be easy for him, but I hope you can be firm.

One thing you don't mention is how hard his medical situation obviously is on you in the other areas of your life. You carry the lion share of the parenting and finances, and probably many other things. Be firm in your insistance that he owes it to you as his wife to not accept anything less than being close and intimate as a couple. Don't sell yourself short, either. Your confidence in how well you manage so much is a very attractive part of who you are. I'd be willing to bet that the harder you work to grow personally, through any interests you've wanted to pursue, or feeling better about yourself through exercise, the more he will realize that he has to step up his game to keep you interested in him sexually.

I hope you stick around for a while. There are some great members on this site who can listen and encourage.


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## happyhubst3r (Mar 21, 2012)

It could be the meds, but if he is getting an erection and willing to receive oral, it sounds like he may just be lazy. Photomom, next time the kids are gone, would you be willing to put on something cute or sexy and masterbate next to him or in front of him? Don't touch him until he juices get flowing and he cones to you. Even if you have to finish without him doing a thing, now he knows you can satisfy yourself and he either has that same option or he can join you? Best of luck with this, I hope it works out for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

He knows I take care myself, I just choose not to do it infront of him. It's like having an itch on your back.... yeah, you can scratch it yourself, BUT, It feels SOOOO much better when someone does it for you.
And yes I do carry the lions share of everything in our marriage, sometimes I get resentful of it, because he wasn't one to help out much before all the back problems...... I keep trying to be understanding, but sometimes I just blow up. I have to do everything for my family and the only thing I really ask for, the one thing I felt like he could still do to contribute (other then being there for the kids emotionally) is keeping our sex life going..... It all just seems like a mess right now.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

photomom said:


> He knows I take care myself, I just choose not to do it infront of him. It's like having an itch on your back.... yeah, you can scratch it yourself, BUT, It feels SOOOO much better when someone does it for you.
> And yes I do carry the lions share of everything in our marriage, sometimes I get resentful of it, because he wasn't one to help out much before all the back problems...... I keep trying to be understanding, but sometimes I just blow up. I have to do everything for my family and the only thing I really ask for, the one thing I felt like he could still do to contribute (other then being there for the kids emotionally) is keeping our sex life going..... It all just seems like a mess right now.


I know there are two sides to every story and right now we only know your side but from what I have read your husband needs a huge wake up call. I don’t care if he has health problems he needs to do more if he wants to be part of a family. All relationships are a two way street. I don’t know your husband but he sounds like he is milking this back problem thing to the full extreme.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

photomom said:


> he's on dilauded.... lots of it.


That is your problem right there!!!!!!! Get him to the doc and get a different medication... there are other medications he can take which will not make his muscles so relaxed that his sex drive goes away. Dilaudid puts you in another world! It also has super muscle relaxing and nerve relaxing capabilities. But there are plenty of other pain medications available that will take away his pain and help increase his energy level. This one depletes his energy, makes him sleepy... in the meantime, I agree stop pleasing him (his tongue isn't broken!)


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

He has been on several different pain meds over the past 5+ years... we were considering a pain pump. I dont know what meds would work as well for him... these pain doctors dont like to change your meds alot, but I will see if he will ask at his next appt. he sees them monthy.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

photomom said:


> He has been on several different pain meds over the past 5+ years... we were considering a pain pump. I dont know what meds would work as well for him... these pain doctors dont like to change your meds alot, but I will see if he will ask at his next appt. he sees them monthy.


It is worth a try! I hope in the meantime he at least makes an effort, I'm sure he has built up some resistance to the meds, and if he were to mentally put himself in the mood he could. Depression meds do have sexual side effects as well though.... so it's like he has maybe a double whammy going on? I don't know, but I would definitely address the issue with care, but make sure he knows how important it is to you.


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

So, I tried something last night hoping it would get the juices flowing.... I had him sit on the couch and I climbed on his lap. (facing him) I told him not to worry, we would not be having sex. I massaged his neck and sholders while kissing on him and encouraged him to feel me up. He did suggest that I give him oral but I told him no, because he would not do the same for me. I was nice about it, but let him know there will be no more freebes. anyway, it felt nice to at least get his hand on me. Even if it was only for a little while.... I might keep using this approuch until he takes it up a notch.....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I still think - next time he asks - tell him "Ladies first!"

Then pin him down and jump on his face!!! (jk...mostly)

Why won't he perform oral?

And did he seem to enjoy your little experiment? Sounds like fun to me - but I'm not the one you're trying to entice...


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

He dosent do it mostly because of the pain from being in that position. I suppose if I were to be on top for it, it might be less painful... I just dont really like getting off in that position... cant relax really.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

photomom said:


> He dosent do it mostly because of the pain from being in that position. I suppose if I were to be on top for it, it might be less painful... I just dont really like getting off in that position... cant relax really.


Gotcha...

How did he react to your experiment?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It took me a year or two after my neck surgery to become fully intimate again. Please don't take this personally.

It's been 4 years and I'm now disabled. It's very hard living in this pain every second of my life. Be patient. He'll come around when he can.

I also sleep on the couch. I only sleep a few hours a night. I'd wake my husband up in bed, plus I also the couch is more comfortable.


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## photomom (May 1, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Gotcha...
> 
> How did he react to your experiment?




Well, he didnt seem to mind it He even snuggled with me on the couch till we fell asleep.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

photomom said:


> Well, he didnt seem to mind it He even snuggled with me on the couch till we fell asleep.


Sounds like progress!!!


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