# Married for 2+ years, wife confessed to hiding her past relationships. Should I end it all?



## Blasphemous

So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage and before marrying her I did put up this question to which she replied she never had an affair. I genuinely had no relationships before marriage. After 8-9 months of marriage I saw her blocked list on Facebook and saw a list of about 10 guys so confronted her about it. She told me they were just her friends who have no purpose in her life anymore. After this, I did see a few suspicious things from time to time and just a couple of months ago asked that I am very stressed about all this and to please just tell me the whole thing. She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.

Now here’s the thing, she know how much I value trust, I feel she took my choice away before marriage and I am feeling cheated. What should I do?


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## Tested_by_stress

Just curious but, how is pre-marital sex viewed in a culture that still practices "arranged marriages"? I work with a guy who left India to escape being tied into an arranged marriage. He wanted no part of anyone else picking his life partner for him. To answer your question, lying by omission is still lying and is perfectly reasonable grounds for desolving the marriage. .....And 10 guys plus? How old is she?


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## Andy1001

You were tricked into marrying someone who isn’t who she claimed to be. Your entire relationship is built on lies. 
You need to divorce.


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## D0nnivain

This was an arranged marriage. If she had told you the truth would you really have gone through with it? You can rail all you want about being deprived of the choice but you would not have married her. 

Now that you are married my advice would be to look at what kind of wife she has been since she is been with you. If she has been loyal & faithful to you, judge her on that not what she did before she met you. If you can't do that if every time you look at her or touch her you will think about her past & torture yourself with that knowledge get out because it's not fair to her to punish her daily for something she can't change.


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## Diana7

She married you under false pretenses. It sounds as if she had multiple partners and it was important to you that she hadn't slept around.
The lying is also a big red flag. If she can lie about something so important then she can lie about other things.
As for divorce that's entirely up to you. You may even be able to get an annulment if you choose to go down that route.
You haven't been married long and you have no children so it's not as hard as it would be later on but you have to work out if this is something you can move past or not. Can you ever trust her again? It's hard to say.


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## BeyondRepair007

If your wife could lie to you so easily, I would have a tough time with that. Even more than her sexual past.

She lied to you to get you to marry her in the first place
She lied to you when you found out about the blocked guys
I would guess there are other lies to help support those two lies.

That is a problem. You’re early into this marriage, but going forward you will always know she’s capable of manipulating you with lies. You have to decide if you can live with that.


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## ccpowerslave

In a sea of lies let the truth be your lighthouse.


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## In Absentia

If she is sorry, she is a good wife and you are generally happy together, why throw it away?


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## ABHale

To answer your question. Divorce her, she doesn’t care one bit about you. You are just a meal ticket to her. You asked if she had been in a relationship prior to your wedding and she lied about it.


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## Diana7

In Absentia said:


> If she is sorry, she is a good wife and you are generally happy together, why throw it away?


Maybe because the trust is gone?


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## ThatDarnGuy!

Just leave this arranged ordeal..... I don't understand why in this day and age people still go along with this stuff.


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## LeGenDary_Man

Blasphemous said:


> So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage and before marrying her I did put up this question to which she replied she never had an affair. I genuinely had no relationships before marriage. After 8-9 months of marriage I saw her blocked list on Facebook and saw a list of about 10 guys so confronted her about it. She told me they were just her friends who have no purpose in her life anymore. After this, I did see a few suspicious things from time to time and just a couple of months ago asked that I am very stressed about all this and to please just tell me the whole thing. She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.
> 
> Now here’s the thing, she know how much I value trust, I feel she took my choice away before marriage and I am feeling cheated. What should I do?


*1.* Your marriage to her is build upon a deck of lies - your wife created an impression of a woman [that she is not] to get you to marry her. Now you see an entirely different woman in your wife. 

*2.* The men in her past - is there a guarantee that all will respect your marriage and will not try to reach out to your wife at some point? You do not know much about these men and their status, right?

Your wife came clean due to your pressure *but* your peace-of-mind is gone.

You wanted to be with a woman who is compatible with your values; absolutely nothing wrong with having this expectation. My expectation was much like yours and my luck shined.

I am pro-marriage and absolutely believe in making it work through thick and thin *but* a marriage that is build upon a deck of lies is not worth saving in my books. When the very foundation of it is rotten then how can you make it work? I would *not* have settled for this farce, if in your shoes.

You do not have kids with your wife yet, so this would be best time for you to opt out. 

Up to you entirely of-course.


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## TexasMom1216

The problem isn’t the partners, it’s the lying. You made a huge, life-altering decision based on a selfish lie she told deliberately, something she knew might change your mind. That’s a pretty substantial character flaw. This isn’t a small thing and speaks poorly of her character. Arranged or not, this marriage is based on a lie. I’m sorry, that’s really hurtful and I’m sure you’re having a hard time with it. Your instincts are probably telling you what to do, I think you should listen. This is not a trustworthy person. She also sounds manipulative and self-serving. 🥺


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## SunCMars

In Absentia said:


> If she is sorry, she is a good wife and you are generally happy together, why throw it away?


I really want to agree with @In Absentia on his post.

Yes, she did lie by omitting the truth.

Then again, the fact that she has sampled a lot of men could mean she is no longer hungry for others.
She is done in that respect.

Hopefully, but, one never knows, and the stats do not necessarily back that up.

India has changed from the old ways, that is a fact.

It is now a clash of cultures, _within._
It has gone Western...

Those in the middle of this_ cultural change_ certainly have it difficult.

Many are raised, one-way, but that life about you, is now another way.
One, that is anathema to the other.

Most men want their future wife to be priss-teen.

Good luck with that.

Plus, it is not always fair to those ladies who need to experience life.

My opinion:
It depends on her present mental, and marital viewpoint(s).
Do you feel she will be a good wife?
Is she generous with her love?
Are you otherwise, compatible?

These men in her past...
Will you ever run into them, will your paths ever cross?

That could be damn bothersome and jealous making.


_Are Dee-_


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## In Absentia

Diana7 said:


> Maybe because the trust is gone?


Yes, I get that. But you've never give anybody a second chance? What's happened to forgiveness in this world?


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## Evinrude58

I am curious. Do you love the woman? If not, definitely divorce her because she’s a liar who lied for the security of being married to you and cared not one bit about how you felt (but doesn’t the fact that it’s an arranged marriage mean that she really didn’t care for you and it was about needs and security?)

How do you feel about her now? Do you live her, is she a good wife, does she seem faithful and loyal? Are you happy together?
Akk important things to weigh out.

in my opinion, a person being a total liar like your wife is something that shows evidence if huge character flaws, as does the fact that she’s been banging ten guys in an environment that frowns upon premarital sex and places such huge value on virginity.

It’s really all up to you. I know what the logical choice is, and that’s the right one 99% of the time.


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## She'sStillGotIt

*


Blasphemous said:



So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage

Click to expand...





...if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.

Click to expand...

*Soooo...*."arranged marriage"* really doesn't mean a whole lot if you're still allowed to change your mind if there's something you don't like about the mate your family chooses for you. So why do you all even go to the trouble of doing this? It's kind of pointless.

You've known her for what - maybe a couple years now? Stop acting as though you've invested 50 years of your life into her. Regardless of how anyone here may feel about your personal views on marrying a virgin, she LIED to you and not only that, doesn't have the same moral values as you. Regardless of whether we see her past dating life as her own business, the bottom line is that she LIED to you and that's a big deal.

You know what you need to do. Stop acting as though the sky is going to fall and the earth is going to perish by morning if you go to a divorce attorney. Here's a hint - it's NOT. I promise.


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## Blasphemous

So far she has been a good wife, sometimes our views do clash on things but we generally sort it out. I like her but it’s the lying and her past which are giving me a really, really hard time. I’m not really sure what the **** should I do now. If I divorce her I lose a good wife but if I stay with her my mental peace keeps getting destroyed on a daily basis.


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## TexasMom1216

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Soooo...*."arranged marriage"* really doesn't mean a whole lot if you're still allowed to change your mind if there's something you don't like about the mate your family chooses for you.


Full disclosure, I know very little about arranged marriages. But I assumed the man had a choice and the woman didn't.


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## Blasphemous

TexasMom1216 said:


> Full disclosure, I know very little about arranged marriages. But I assumed the man had a choice and the woman didn't.


She absolutely did, nobody forced either of us


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## TexasMom1216

Blasphemous said:


> So far she has been a good wife, sometimes our views do clash on things but we generally sort it out. I like her but it’s the lying and her past which are giving me a really, really hard time. I’m not really sure what the **** should I now. If I divorce her* I lose a good wife* but if I stay with her my mental peace keeps getting destroyed on a daily basis.


Do you, though? That's a big lie she told you. And what do you mean by "good wife"? It's only been a couple of years that you've even known her, I get that it's a serious deal to divorce but you'd hardly be struggling to find another wife. You could probably find a younger one that would serve the same purpose she does but who didn't tell a big lie prior to marrying her. I'm from a different culture and don't think the multiple partners is a big issue, but I do think not being able to trust her is a HUGE. I'm not saying you don't have feelings for her, I just think she misled you on something very important and that's a big red flag. I'd be concerned that you don't know the real her, you know the show she's putting on so she could marry you. I don't blame you for being bothered by this. It's pretty bad that she lied about that.


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## Diana7

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Just leave this arranged ordeal..... I don't understand why in this day and age people still go along with this stuff.


Pressures of culture. 
Not sure that is the issue here though, it's the lying and deception about the past which as we know on TAM can happen in any marriage.


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## Diana7

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I get that. But you've never give anybody a second chance? What's happened to forgiveness in this world?


Forgiveness is important but it doesn't always lead to trust being restored or the relationship lasting.


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## TexasMom1216

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I get that. But you've never give anybody a second chance? What's happened to forgiveness in this world?


That’s a question only the OP can answer. If he’s going to forgive he has to forget. If he can’t feel safe in his marriage because of the lie, that’s not fair to either of them.


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## *Deidre*

If you hadn’t stumbled upon that FB list, you wouldn’t have become suspicious. In other words, you’d still be under an illusion about your wife’s past. She finally confessed because you had caught her in other lies. So, I echo the others - divorce is likely the only way forward.

Interesting that arranged marriages don’t go through a more thorough “investigation“ of the couple’s past.🤔


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## Openminded

So, in a culture that has arranged marriages how serious is the stigma when you divorce?


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## Cynthia

What happens if you divorce? I've heard some stories of how families deal with women who bring shame on the family. Would she be in physical danger if you divorce her? 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

You never said if you loved her or not. She’s a good wife so far. What’s that worth to you?
If it’s going to continue to eat you up about her past and her huge lie, just get it over with.


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## D0nnivain

Blasphemous said:


> So far she has been a good wife, sometimes our views do clash on things but we generally sort it out. I like her but it’s the lying and her past which are giving me a really, really hard time. I’m not really sure what the **** should I do now. If I divorce her I lose a good wife but if I stay with her my mental peace keeps getting destroyed on a daily basis.


Start a pros & cons list. What is good about staying with her & what is bad? Will you ever be able to forgive her for the lie? Only you can answer that.


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## Cooper

Maybe she is now lying to you about her past relationships. Maybe she is using your suspicions as a way to drive you to divorce. Maybe she never wanted to be in an arranged marriage in the first place.


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## In Absentia

Maybe you can have some counselling together?


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## Casual Observer

D0nnivain said:


> This was an arranged marriage. If she had told you the truth would you really have gone through with it? You can rail all you want about being deprived of the choice but you would not have married her.
> 
> Now that you are married my advice would be to look at what kind of wife she has been since she is been with you. If she has been loyal & faithful to you, judge her on that not what she did before she met you. If you can't do that if every time you look at her or touch her you will think about her past & torture yourself with that knowledge get out because it's not fair to her to punish her daily for something she can't change.


We need to separate the sex issue from a willingness to deceive and lie. If he had asked direct questions and she outright lied about them, as opposed to saying she preferred not to discuss her past, then she’s comfortable with a rather massive lie and suspect for trust in general.

For many, this isn’t about “morals.” It’s about ethics.


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## Casual Observer

In Absentia said:


> Yes, I get that. But you've never give anybody a second chance? What's happened to forgiveness in this world?


Of various character traits, I wonder if degrees of trustworthiness is something that is likely to change over time or if, by your mid-20s, what you see is what you get? Sure, we evolve in our thinking, but I have a feeling that those who rationalize situational ethics probably stay the course through life, short of some sort of life-shaking epiphany.


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## *Deidre*

If she had shared this with you OP, in the beginning, would you have married her? If men have a sexual past when it comes to arranged marriages, is it viewed the same way as when women do?


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## A18S37K14H18

In Absentia said:


> If she is sorry, she is a good wife and you are generally happy together, why throw it away?





SunCMars said:


> I really want to agree with @In Absentia on his post.
> 
> Yes, she did lie by omitting the truth.
> 
> Then again, the fact that she has sampled a lot of men could mean she is no longer hungry for others.
> She is done in that respect.




To me, many are missing an important part regarding this. Yes, her lying was important and enough to end the marriage, but there is MORE and that additonal thing is really bad too, just as bad.


And here is that really bad thing:



Blasphemous said:


> told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.



Folks, it's not like his wife told him "Honey, I'm so sorry for having lied to you. I love you , I want to be with you, you're my everything and I was afraid you wouldn't have married me otherwise. I want to grow old with you, you're the love of my life."


NO, what she told him was that she was worried about her own azz. She wanted to secure her OWN future.

She used him, she's still using him. He's a nice man, she wanted the security he could provide for her and she told him that, directly when she said "she wanted to secure her future."

Her marrying him was about her securing her future.


What is OP supposed to think about that? That is completely different than marrying someone because you love them, want to spend the rest of your life with them etc.

OP has also said she wasn't forced to marry him, both of them had a choice.

Per her own words, she chose her security by marrying and she lied to him in order to secure HER future.

It's about her, she said it herself.


I don't know how one comes back from hearing that, from finding that out. From finding out their partner was and is using them for their security, their future.

To each their own I guess, but I sure as helll wouldn't stick around under those circumstances.

Had she said she was sorry, she loves him and he's her everything and she only wants to be with him, that would be different than her flat out telling him that she lied to him in order to gain her future security.


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## TexasMom1216

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Her marrying him was about her securing her future.


There's a word for that. It's not a nice word. The deliberate dishonesty speaks to a deep character flaw. This is the woman who could potentially be raising his children. It's certainly a serious problem.


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## DownByTheRiver

My thought is that it being an arranged marriage, surely you didn't think she was going to live her whole life without having any love or emotional connection that was genuine. If I knew I was going to have to having arranged marriage for cultural reasons, I would sure do all the living I could before that happened. You can't possibly have that much of an emotional attachment to her to be hurt. 

Were you a virgin when you married her and did you think she was a virgin? Did she think she was marrying a virgin? How does that work?


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## Casual Observer

TexasMom1216 said:


> There's a word for that. It's not a nice word. The deliberate dishonesty speaks to a deep character flaw. This is the woman who could potentially be raising his children. It's certainly a serious problem.


As much as we may want to throw such a person under a bus, there may also be cultural context which has put women in a position where they have limited options and dishonesty becomes almost the norm, a wink-wink situation.


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## TexasMom1216

Casual Observer said:


> As much as we may want to throw such a person under a bus, there may also be cultural context which has put women in a position where they have limited options and dishonesty becomes almost the norm, a wink-wink situation.


That’s a good point. Less a norm than a survival tactic.


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## Openminded

I assume in arranged marriages that females are still expected to not have a past?


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## As'laDain

My suggestion? Divorce her. If you still think she is a good wife and would like to be married to her, then get married again. 

But, if you do marry her again, let the past lies go. If you don't, then move on with your life.

Regardless, you will no longer feel like you were trapped by lies.


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## *Deidre*

*Deidre* said:


> If you hadn’t stumbled upon that FB list, you wouldn’t have become suspicious. In other words, you’d still be under an illusion about your wife’s past. She finally confessed because you had caught her in other lies. So, I echo the others - divorce is likely the only way forward.
> 
> Interesting that arranged marriages don’t go through a more thorough “investigation“ of the couple’s past.🤔


I want to add to this that in certain cultures, women’s virginity is still seen as more valuable than a man’s. I’m not condoning lying at all, but there may be cultural pressures that shame women over their sexual pasts, that is part of this equation.


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## TexasMom1216

*Deidre* said:


> I want to add to this that in certain cultures, women’s virginity is still seen as more valuable than a man’s.


That's a really diplomatic way to put it, but that could definitely have been a factor. 

This is a tough one.


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## SunCMars

A18S37K14H18 said:


> To me, many are missing an important part regarding this. Yes, her lying was important and enough to end the marriage, but there is MORE and that additonal thing is really bad too, just as bad.
> 
> 
> And here is that really bad thing:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Folks, it's not like his wife told him "Honey, I'm so sorry for having lied to you. I love you , I want to be with you, you're my everything and I was afraid you wouldn't have married me otherwise. I want to grow old with you, you're the love of my life."
> 
> 
> NO, what she told him was that she was worried about her own azz. She wanted to secure her OWN future.
> 
> She used him, she's still using him. He's a nice man, she wanted the security he could provide for her and she told him that, directly when she said "she wanted to secure her future."
> 
> Her marrying him was about her securing her future.
> 
> 
> What is OP supposed to think about that? That is completely different than marrying someone because you love them, want to spend the rest of your life with them etc.
> 
> OP has also said she wasn't forced to marry him, both of them had a choice.
> 
> Per her own words, she chose her security by marrying and she lied to him in order to secure HER future.
> 
> It's about her, she said it herself.
> 
> 
> I don't know how one comes back from hearing that, from finding that out. From finding out their partner was and is using them for their security, their future.
> 
> To each their own I guess, but I sure as helll wouldn't stick around under those circumstances.
> 
> Had she said she was sorry, she loves him and he's her everything and she only wants to be with him, that would be different than her flat out telling him that she lied to him in order to gain her future security.


I have to like this, how could a _consider-it-all person_, not agree with this?


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## SunCMars

For me, as a man....

The fact that she went 'through' ten men and none of them were marriage worthy?

And, now OP is?

Not one of those 10 men stepped up and prodded (both sets of parents) to make this a marriage, made better?


Yes, I agree, her later, and honest words were further damning.



Luckily, that _should-I-stay-or should-I-go_ decision is not mine.

I can readily show mercy, not so any foolishness.

We only have one damn life to live.
Make the best of it.



_Are Dee-_


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## maquiscat

Blasphemous said:


> So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage and before marrying her I did put up this question to which she replied she never had an affair. I genuinely had no relationships before marriage. After 8-9 months of marriage I saw her blocked list on Facebook and saw a list of about 10 guys so confronted her about it. She told me they were just her friends who have no purpose in her life anymore. After this, I did see a few suspicious things from time to time and just a couple of months ago asked that I am very stressed about all this and to please just tell me the whole thing. She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.
> 
> Now here’s the thing, she know how much I value trust, I feel she took my choice away before marriage and I am feeling cheated. What should I do?


My first question is what would have happened to her had this arranged marriage not happen? Are there negative maybe even seriously so, effects from having you refuse her for marriage?


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## maquiscat

*Deidre* said:


> If you hadn’t stumbled upon that FB list, you wouldn’t have become suspicious. In other words, you’d still be under an illusion about your wife’s past. She finally confessed because you had caught her in other lies. So, I echo the others - divorce is likely the only way forward.
> 
> Interesting that arranged marriages don’t go through a more thorough “investigation“ of the couple’s past.🤔


That "past" usually occurs between when the arrangement is made and the wedding.


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## Casual Observer

TexasMom1216 said:


> That's a really diplomatic way to put it, but that could definitely have been a factor.
> 
> This is a tough one.


Awareness remains key. If she knows her husband is naive, trusting and vulnerable, and takes advantage of that, there’s no way that’s not a bad thing. She is using the disinformation for control and power.

Life gets really complicated when you look for context and try to see things from the other’s perspective.


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## *Deidre*

maquiscat said:


> That "past" usually occurs between when the arrangement is made and the wedding.


Hmm, I thought the OP was speaking of his wife’s past before knowing him, which lying would still be wrong if he was led to believe a different story. If she started having sex with men after the relationship was “arranged,” then divorce seems like the best option. At least to me. Once you’re “betrothed” to another, you’re not available to date others. I’m assuming anyway, that was _this_ arrangement.


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## maquiscat

*Deidre* said:


> Hmm, I thought the OP was speaking of his wife’s past before knowing him, which lying would still be wrong if he was led to believe a different story. If she started having sex with men after the relationship was “arranged,” then divorce seems like the best option. At least to me. Once you’re “betrothed” to another, you’re not available to date others. I’m assuming anyway, that was _this_ arrangement.


Some of these arranged marriages are arranged when the couples are kids. So the timing of the arrangement can make a difference. I can more easily accept that one had "affairs" between "betrothal" and wedding when arranged that early, as opposed to done when both were adults.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia

The general consensus is divorce, then… next! 😊


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## LeGenDary_Man

Openminded said:


> So, in a culture that has arranged marriages how serious is the stigma when you divorce?


This would vary across regions. Urban environments are typically liberal around the world in current times.

If a marriage becomes too problematic to fix then divorce is logical option to tap. However, the likelihood of 2nd marriage to succeed is less than 1st marriage. And the likelihood of 3rd marriage to succeed is even less than 2nd marriage. And so on. This is valid concern.

Divorce puts you in a position that you may have to explain to a potential partner that why it happened. 1st time can be forgiven. It becomes much harder afterwards.

In any case, it is ethical and sensible to be honest with a potential partner. A marriage that is secured upon deception can never be healthy and fulfilling.

OP's wife gives the impression of being "self-centered." She chose to have boyfriends before marriage and then convinced a "nice man" to marry her to "secure her future" by deceiving him. Her husband discovered her past through her Facebook account. She came clean, but she might be sorry for being caught. 

ARE YOU SORRY or SORRY YOU GOT CAUGHT? (activerain.com)

I see mismatch of character and values between the husband and wife in this case. A weak-minded beta male would stick around in this case though.

@Blasphemous


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## *Deidre*

maquiscat said:


> Some of these arranged marriages are arranged when the couples are kids. So the timing of the arrangement can make a difference. I can more easily accept that one had "affairs" between "betrothal" and wedding when arranged that early, as opposed to done when both were adults.
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


That’s an entirely different layer I hadn’t considered. I guess this thread shows me not to ever take for granted my marriage and my own free will in the matter. 😔


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## Asterix

Blasphemous said:


> So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage and before marrying her I did put up this question to which she replied she never had an affair. I genuinely had no relationships before marriage. After 8-9 months of marriage I saw her blocked list on Facebook and saw a list of about 10 guys so confronted her about it. She told me they were just her friends who have no purpose in her life anymore. After this, I did see a few suspicious things from time to time and just a couple of months ago asked that I am very stressed about all this and to please just tell me the whole thing. She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.
> 
> Now here’s the thing, she know how much I value trust, I feel she took my choice away before marriage and I am feeling cheated. What should I do?


I think the bigger issue here is that she lied to you about it and kept lying to you about it, even after repeatedly asking. It's not about her sleeping with the guys before marriage, it's all about her lying to you after the marriage. I understand that people would say that it's none of the husbands/wife's business who their partners slept with before they become exclusive. I've talked to my friends who are from India and they told me that it is usually (as in almost always) frowned upon. But anyway, that's not the issue here. 



Blasphemous said:


> if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.


She, knew what was important for you. Despite that she lied to you to "secure her future" no matter the cost to you as long as her needs are met and the decisions serves her ends.



Blasphemous said:


> If I divorce her I lose a good wife but if I stay with her my mental peace keeps getting destroyed on a daily basis.


Well, if you divorce her, then you lose a wife that lied to you. Looks like she knew how much honesty was important to you. Did she not give it any thought what would happen if you find out the truth?


----------



## Asterix

*Deidre* said:


> Interesting that arranged marriages don’t go through a more thorough “investigation“ of the couple’s past.🤔


What I've heard is that arranged marriages go through a thorough vetting process of the families and very little to none for the actual bride and groom. @Blasphemous , please feel free to chime in if you think I'm wrong.


----------



## Diana7

OP, when was the marriage arranged and how long was that before you married? Were the other men before the marriage was arranged? How old are you both?


----------



## Young at Heart

Blasphemous said:


> So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage and before marrying her I did put up this question to which she replied she never had an affair. I genuinely had no relationships before marriage.......
> 
> ......She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and *she wanted to secure her future.*
> 
> ......*What should I do?*





Blasphemous said:


> So far s*he has been a good wife*, sometimes our views do clash on things but we generally sort it out. *I like her* but it’s the lying and her past which are giving me a really, really hard time. I’m not really sure what the **** should I do now.* If I divorce her I lose a good wife* but if I stay with her my mental peace keeps getting destroyed on a daily basis.


It is pretty clear to me that what you should do is sit down with your wife and have a very heart to heart discussion. I would strongly suggest that you do the discussion with a marriage counselor who can help referee the discussion.

First in some cultures where there are arranged marriages, and one of the spouses has acted counter to the culture, the offending spouse is often murdered. Hopefully that is not common in your culture. If it is it adds a whole other ethical aspect to the discussion. It truly becomes a life or death issue of revealing this to either her or your family.

Assuming this is not a life or death issue, then the two of you should discuss this with a marriage counselor. She should have some right in figuring out what to do and figuring out how to explain your divorce (should you choose divorce) to your respective families. Based on my limited knowledge of arranged marriages, if her "past" was not known by either sets of families and discussed, then at best she will be disowned and disgraced. Money or some other form of compensation could even be demanded by one family from the other. 

In your discussion with your wife, the two of you need to figure out what you want to do. If you choose to stay married, then I suggest that the two of you discuss boundaries in your relationship, the whole question of future honesty and transparancy. If you stay married, discuss "red lines" that will immediately trigger a divorce. Maybe even put it in writing. Finally, with the marriage counselor discuss each of your visions of what a happy marriage will look like in 10 years, 20 years and 30 years. See if you can both agree on what a happy and successful marriage will look like for the two of you and for your respective families. Make sure you are both on the same page.

Remember she has used us to secure a future. Her family and your family have negotiated the terms of aspects of the arranged marriage with expectations on how it will benefit both families. She has betrayed all of this. She has lied to you to "secure her own future." And yet, you feel if you divorced her you would loose a "good wife." She probably has many good qualities that your parents saw in the two of you marrying. You obviously seem some good qualities in her being your marriage partner. The question is, as difficult as the betrayal, is what is the future likely to be.

That is why you should look at what your and her definition is of a good marriage in 10, 20 and 30 years. If you can agree upon that. If you can agree on boundaries, then perhaps you don't need to discuss the revelation with your respective families. However, if the two of you do divorce, you should have an agreed upon explanation to both families that you will take to your respective graves.

Again, you wife deserves to have a major role in your decision of what to do.


----------



## sideways

She told me "If she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future".

You value "trust" and feel "cheated".

Damn straight you've been "cheated" and betrayed and there's NO reason to trust this woman ever again.


----------



## Blasphemous

So to answer all of your questions:-

She had these boyfriends before we met

This is not a child marriage type of situation

She also did say she was very, very sorry and really loves me when telling the truth ans was trying to make me feel better. Also says that if she told me all this before marriage and somehow the marriage didn’t go through, I could have told others about this and her reputation would have been damaged, even in her parents’ eyes.

Her or my life were not in danger at all had the marriage been cancelled. Nobody forced this decision on us.

She knows how badly I have been hurt by this and is trying to make things better.

I am really confused.


----------



## In Absentia

Blasphemous said:


> I am really confused.


Why are you confused? It's matter of overcoming your fears and trust your wife. Surely, in all these months you must have formed an opinion of her? If she is a good wife, forget about her past. The past is the past. Yes, she lied to you, but I can see her point of view.


----------



## Diana7

Only you know if the trust can be rebuilt and if for you this is a deal breaker or not. If you do end the marriage it's far better to do it now than later when there are children and you have invested many years into the marriage.
You seem to have very different value systems and the lying and deception is very troubling. It was a massive thing to keep from you and very wrong. 
If had been one guy that's one thing but a minimum of 10 when she told you there had been none is another. 
It's a very big decision to make and maybe you need a little time alone to think about it and decide for yourself.


----------



## Diana7

Young at Heart said:


> It is pretty clear to me that what you should do is sit down with your wife and have a very heart to heart discussion. I would strongly suggest that you do the discussion with a marriage counselor who can help referee the discussion.
> 
> First in some cultures where there are arranged marriages, and one of the spouses has acted counter to the culture, the offending spouse is often murdered. Hopefully that is not common in your culture. If it is it adds a whole other ethical aspect to the discussion. It truly becomes a life or death issue of revealing this to either her or your family.
> 
> Assuming this is not a life or death issue, then the two of you should discuss this with a marriage counselor. She should have some right in figuring out what to do and figuring out how to explain your divorce (should you choose divorce) to your respective families. Based on my limited knowledge of arranged marriages, if her "past" was not known by either sets of families and discussed, then at best she will be disowned and disgraced. Money or some other form of compensation could even be demanded by one family from the other.
> 
> In your discussion with your wife, the two of you need to figure out what you want to do. If you choose to stay married, then I suggest that the two of you discuss boundaries in your relationship, the whole question of future honesty and transparancy. If you stay married, discuss "red lines" that will immediately trigger a divorce. Maybe even put it in writing. Finally, with the marriage counselor discuss each of your visions of what a happy marriage will look like in 10 years, 20 years and 30 years. See if you can both agree on what a happy and successful marriage will look like for the two of you and for your respective families. Make sure you are both on the same page.
> 
> Remember she has used us to secure a future. Her family and your family have negotiated the terms of aspects of the arranged marriage with expectations on how it will benefit both families. She has betrayed all of this. She has lied to you to "secure her own future." And yet, you feel if you divorced her you would loose a "good wife." She probably has many good qualities that your parents saw in the two of you marrying. You obviously seem some good qualities in her being your marriage partner. The question is, as difficult as the betrayal, is what is the future likely to be.
> 
> That is why you should look at what your and her definition is of a good marriage in 10, 20 and 30 years. If you can agree upon that. If you can agree on boundaries, then perhaps you don't need to discuss the revelation with your respective families. However, if the two of you do divorce, you should have an agreed upon explanation to both families that you will take to your respective graves.
> 
> Again, you wife deserves to have a major role in your decision of what to do.


I can't agree that his wife should have a major role in the decision. It's his to make.


----------



## Diana7

Young at Heart said:


> It is pretty clear to me that what you should do is sit down with your wife and have a very heart to heart discussion. I would strongly suggest that you do the discussion with a marriage counselor who can help referee the discussion.
> 
> First in some cultures where there are arranged marriages, and one of the spouses has acted counter to the culture, the offending spouse is often murdered. Hopefully that is not common in your culture. If it is it adds a whole other ethical aspect to the discussion. It truly becomes a life or death issue of revealing this to either her or your family.
> 
> Assuming this is not a life or death issue, then the two of you should discuss this with a marriage counselor. She should have some right in figuring out what to do and figuring out how to explain your divorce (should you choose divorce) to your respective families. Based on my limited knowledge of arranged marriages, if her "past" was not known by either sets of families and discussed, then at best she will be disowned and disgraced. Money or some other form of compensation could even be demanded by one family from the other.
> 
> In your discussion with your wife, the two of you need to figure out what you want to do. If you choose to stay married, then I suggest that the two of you discuss boundaries in your relationship, the whole question of future honesty and transparancy. If you stay married, discuss "red lines" that will immediately trigger a divorce. Maybe even put it in writing. Finally, with the marriage counselor discuss each of your visions of what a happy marriage will look like in 10 years, 20 years and 30 years. See if you can both agree on what a happy and successful marriage will look like for the two of you and for your respective families. Make sure you are both on the same page.
> 
> Remember she has used us to secure a future. Her family and your family have negotiated the terms of aspects of the arranged marriage with expectations on how it will benefit both families. She has betrayed all of this. She has lied to you to "secure her own future." And yet, you feel if you divorced her you would loose a "good wife." She probably has many good qualities that your parents saw in the two of you marrying. You obviously seem some good qualities in her being your marriage partner. The question is, as difficult as the betrayal, is what is the future likely to be.
> 
> That is why you should look at what your and her definition is of a good marriage in 10, 20 and 30 years. If you can agree upon that. If you can agree on boundaries, then perhaps you don't need to discuss the revelation with your respective families. However, if the two of you do divorce, you should have an agreed upon explanation to both families that you will take to your respective graves.
> 
> Again, you wife deserves to have a major role in your decision of what to do.


I can't agree that his wife should have a major role in the decision. It's his to make.


----------



## sokillme

Yep

Sucks to be married to a liar who conned you. 25 years from now that won't have changed.


----------



## Blasphemous

Diana7 said:


> Only you know if the trust can be rebuilt and if for you this is a deal breaker or not. If you do end the marriage it's far better to do it now than later when there are children.


I am not really sure


----------



## Personal

Blasphemous said:


> *So to answer all of your questions:-*
> 
> She had these boyfriends before we met
> 
> This is not a child marriage type of situation
> 
> She also did say she was very, very sorry and really loves me when telling the truth ans was trying to make me feel better. Also says that if she told me all this before marriage and somehow the marriage didn’t go through, I could have told others about this and her reputation would have been damaged, even in her parents’ eyes.
> 
> Her or my life were not in danger at all had the marriage been cancelled. Nobody forced this decision on us.
> 
> She knows how badly I have been hurt by this and is trying to make things better.
> 
> I am really confused.


You missed this question.



DownByTheRiver said:


> Were you a virgin when you married her and did you think she was a virgin? Did she think she was marrying a virgin? How does that work?


So again when you married her, were you a virgin or not?


----------



## Blasphemous

Personal said:


> You missed this question.
> 
> 
> 
> So again when you married her, were you a virgin or not?


I already said this in the OP that I was a virgin (never been in a relationship) and I would not have married her if I knew all this from the get go. We did have sex a couple of times before the marriage. I even asked her about her past before marrying her but she simply stated she had a couple of male friends but she had never been in a relationship. There would have been 0 issues from both sides if I had said no.


----------



## Young at Heart

Blasphemous said:


> So to answer all of your questions:-
> 
> ..........Her or my life were *not in danger at all had the marriage been cancelled*. Nobody forced this decision on us.........


Obviously the marriage wasn't canceled. What about now. I don't think you have answered all the questions.

Hypothesize for us, what the likely outcome would be if it were known by your family and her family that she had had multiple sexual partners prior to the marriage and hid that from everyone?

Would your family feel betrayed by the other family? Arranged marriages are usually about bettering both families. Would her family feel shame in their putting their daughter forward for this marriage? Would either family want to disown her or any offspring from the marriage? If not disowned, would your ex-wife be shunned and forbidden to see her family at family gatherings? In your culture, once married does she become more a part of your family than her biological family?

*What is really missing from your discussion and posts is how this would impact the family relationships.* In an arranged marriage culture, family values and family relationships are usually quite important, even sometimes more important than the feelings of the individuals involved in the marriage. 

I am sure both sets of parents want what is best for the both of you and your marriage. Your wife did something truly horrible "to secure her future." You seem to think she has been a "good wife" while married to you.

To me the real issue is if you decide you must divorce, what is told to her parents and what is told to your parents and it had better be the same an not change over time as it will be discussed heatedly for the rest of your lives. That is a decision that the two of you should jointly make if you choose divorce. 

Your approach has so far been about you and your feelings. You have not indicated what your wife wants other than to make it up to you and make you happy. If this is no big deal to her, her parents, or your family, then by all means just think of yourself. Otherwise, include her in the discussion and deliberation. She may not be trustworthy, but she certainly knows her parents better than you do and what her life will be like after a divorce and exposure of her sexual past.

If you choose not to divorce, you need to have a true meeting of the minds that will determine what your future together in marriage will look like in 10, 20, and 30 years, along with a mutual commitment by both of you to make that future happen and the boundaries that will define when that commitment has been destroyed. This could be an opportunity to put a marriage based on a lie on a solid understanding for the future.

Good luck.


----------



## In Absentia

Blasphemous said:


> We did have sex a couple of times before the marriage.


So, you've been one of those guys too... who sleep with women before marriage, and then you blame the girl for doing the same...


----------



## Blasphemous

Our family relations would not have been impacted much since we didn’t meet each other much anyways plus I would not have told about this to any one. We were FREE to marry whoever we wanted to.



In Absentia said:


> So, you've been one of those guys too... who sleep with women before marriage, and then you blame the girl for doing the same...


I had sex with only her, after our engagement.


----------



## In Absentia

Blasphemous said:


> I had sex with only her, after our engagement.


Is it allowed to have sex with your future wife when you are engaged? Just trying to understand the dynamics...


----------



## Blasphemous

In Absentia said:


> Is it allowed to have sex with your future wife when you are engaged? Just trying to understand the dynamics...


It’s fine, it was pretty much confirmed I was marrying her.


----------



## In Absentia

Blasphemous said:


> It’s fine, it was pretty much confirmed I was marrying her.


Thanks for that... I was just checking for possible double standards...  Unfortunately, it's a decision only you can take. Can you try some individual counselling? Maybe someone with experience can help you clarify things in your head.


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## marko polo

Your marriage is built on a foundation of lies.

What else has she lied about that you are aware of?

Trust is crucial in a marriage. Broken trust stays just that - broken.

If you choose to stay with her and you have children, DNA test them all.


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## Sfort

How can there be trust in an arranged marriage? Trust has to be earned...not arranged. It cannot be forced. It does not compute.


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## Young at Heart

Diana7 said:


> I can't agree that his wife should have a major role in the decision. It's his to make.


She has lived as his wife for a few years. Yes, he can decide if he wants to divorce her. And he has enough reasons to do that if he so chooses. So I agree that he can unilaterally decide to divorce her or not. 

However, there are lots of bad internet jokes about people learning that they are being dumped or divorced by text messages. I think some things should be discussed in person, like should they get a divorce or not, what should be said as to the reasons, and how to end the marriage. In such discussions especially in identifying what will happen if there is a divorce, she does have a major role to play.

I honestly don't know the detailed circumstances. I do have fears though. In some countries where arranged marriages are common, a married wife becomes effectively the property of the husband's family after marriage and has little ability to go back to her family for support. In some countries wives who are not liked by the husband's family are killed, or pressured to commit suicide. In some countries there are "honor killings" by a woman's relatives. She did wrong. She was not trustworthy. Fairness, human rights, and women's liberation have not reached all countries yet.

Wouldn't it be "civil" for the two of them to discuss this and if divorce is the option he needs, at least agree on what will be told to the respective families? As a woman that he values as "a good wife," shouldn't she be allowed to "save face" and not be humiliated in front of her parents and biological family? If he needs divorce how does destroying her make his divorce "better." Where is the line between his desire for divorce and his destroying her out of vengence? 

Even if he decides he wants to destroy her with how he announces the divorce, wouldn't discussing with her what he has in mind so she can prepare herself be the kind of thing a "husband" would do for a woman he felt had been a "good wife?"

She may not have the principal say in if a divorce happens, but she should have a significant say in how the divorce is structured, what people are told, and the terms of the divorce. Divorces should be as respectful of each other as possible.


----------



## Blondilocks

Since she and her parents (albeit unwittingly) sold you a bill of goods, would some kind of financial recompense from the parents soothe your feelings? For a person afraid of what her parents would think, she sure went overboard.

If you do stay with her, dna any children you may have with her. She is in this for herself.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

Young at Heart said:


> She has lived as his wife for a few years. Yes, he can decide if he wants to divorce her. And he has enough reasons to do that if he so chooses. So I agree that he can unilaterally decide to divorce her or not.
> 
> However, there are lots of bad internet jokes about people learning that they are being dumped or divorced by text messages. I think some things should be discussed in person, like should they get a divorce or not, what should be said as to the reasons, and how to end the marriage. In such discussions especially in identifying what will happen if there is a divorce, she does have a major role to play.
> 
> I honestly don't know the detailed circumstances. I do have fears though. In some countries where arranged marriages are common, a married wife becomes effectively the property of the husband's family after marriage and has little ability to go back to her family for support. In some countries wives who are not liked by the husband's family are killed, or pressured to commit suicide. In some countries there are "honor killings" by a woman's relatives. She did wrong. She was not trustworthy. Fairness, human rights, and women's liberation have not reached all countries yet.
> 
> Wouldn't it be "civil" for the two of them to discuss this and if divorce is the option he needs, at least agree on what will be told to the respective families? As a woman that he values as "a good wife," shouldn't she be allowed to "save face" and not be humiliated in front of her parents and biological family? If he needs divorce how does destroying her make his divorce "better." Where is the line between his desire for divorce and his destroying her out of vengence?
> 
> Even if he decides he wants to destroy her with how he announces the divorce, wouldn't discussing with her what he has in mind so she can prepare herself be the kind of thing a "husband" would do for a woman he felt had been a "good wife?"
> 
> She may not have the principal say in if a divorce happens, but she should have a significant say in how the divorce is structured, what people are told, and the terms of the divorce. Divorces should be as respectful of each other as possible.


How would the husband *justify* his decision to divorce a [supposedly] *good wife* to his family and her's? His reputation will be on the line instead. His martial prospects will be ruined instead.

Divorce proceedings should be on honest grounds - the wife deceived her husband by pretending to be a woman having values that match his to secure his hand in marriage.

The wife should have known better - she chose to be promiscuous before marriage in a culture which does not encourage this activity. She is an adult and should be wise enough to understand that certain choices have effects and even consequences down the road.

Now she is worried because her husband learned about her past from her Facebook account. Her apologetic behavior comes down to this now: ARE YOU SORRY or SORRY YOU GOT CAUGHT? (activerain.com)

Honesty and compatibility in values are essential to create a healthy relationship dynamic around the world.



Blasphemous said:


> I am not really sure


People are telling you that it is *easier* to consider divorce *when* children are *NOT* in the mix. Parents are responsible for the well-being and rearing of their children around the world. Filing for divorce with children in the mix, can be a messy and difficult experience. You are *NOT* a parent YET so you are lacking in perspective in this case but you can explore TAM for relevant cases or request examples from other members to have some perspective.

You have sufficient basis to divorce your wife because she deceived you to secure your hand in marriage. You have admitted in your posts that your trust is shaken and your peace-of-mind is disturbed. As I have stated above - honesty and compatibility in values are essential to create a healthy relationship dynamic around the world.

Now is the best time to divorce her and find a better woman to marry because you do *NOT* have children in the mix.

*IF* you have good skills, income and self-confidence then your martial prospects will remain strong irrespective of where you live. Women dig these characteristics, and find self-confidence aspect attractive in particular.

*IF* you are lacking in self-confidence then your situation will not improve.

*IF* you are too concerned about hurting feelings of your wife and her family members, then you will have to 'compromise' with her and continue your marriage.

You have to decide whether your values matter to you (or not) - that you will have principles (or not). Nobody respects a doormat, however.


----------



## Evinrude58

OP,
Do you think you could get another wife if you divorce the liar?

Realize that your wife came clean. Only because she got caught, but she did finally tell the whole truth. The past men are BLOCKED.
That’s a good sign.

Are you happy with your wife? Can you get past this? Will it eat on you forever?

This is really a situation nobody can help you with. You have every right to divorce her. You have the choice to keep her.
It’s you that has to live with either choice.


----------



## maquiscat

dealt with in a later post


----------



## Young at Heart

LeGenDary_Man said:


> ......Divorce proceedings should be on honest grounds - the wife deceived her husband by pretending to be a woman having values that match his to secure his hand in marriage.
> 
> The wife should have known better - she chose to be promiscuous before marriage in a culture which does not encourage this activity. She is an adult and should be wise enough to understand that certain choices have effects and even consequences down the road.....
> 
> .........You have sufficient basis to divorce your wife because she deceived you to secure your hand in marriage. You have admitted in your posts that your trust is shaken and your peace-of-mind is disturbed. As I have stated above - honesty and compatibility in values are essential to create a healthy relationship dynamic around the world........


Often times divorce proceedings can be sealed or be filed in a remote location where it is hard to get information. Also in this day and age, there are lots of places that have "no-fault" divorce laws. Working with an attorney to find a good location to file for divorce can help minimize what is disclosed. Yes, you need to be honest with the courts, but you don't have to be explicit. Irreconcilable differences, etc. are often all that needs to be said. An attorney can even draw up a non-disclosure agreement between the divorcing parties. I agree you do need to be honest with the courts, but not with what is told to the families. 

I further agree that he can divorce her if he wants, just like she can divorce him if she wants or doesn't feel loved by him anymore.


----------



## Personal

Thanks for answering what I missed @Blasphemous.


----------



## Asterix

@Blasphemous, how are you doing? How are you coping with all this new found information? What can we do to help?


----------



## bygone

"She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future." 

It's about securing future.

Did she meet them when she was with you? its relationships with other than 10 different men? Does she meet with friends who know and support her relationship? she had any other relationships after marriage?

She's not a good woman... she's never been honest with you. she knows how to keep a guy because she's dated a lot of guys. lies, sex, words to be said, gestures, etc., but honesty and loyalty are uncertain.

Staying in marriage will harm you. Your wife has nothing special to you, she shared everything with others. Although it is insignificant for some, it is important for someone who does not have a relationship with anyone until they get married. knowing that, he lied to you.

She married a man she knew would be faithful to her, but will she remain faithful to him?


----------



## Asterix

bygone said:


> Your wife has nothing special to you, she shared everything with others. Although it is insignificant for some, it is important for someone who does not have a relationship with anyone until they get married.


This is the scenario where she gave it all away for free to all those guys who were not interested in commitment and OP had to make a lifelong commitment to her in order to be with her. So, if one were to think in terms of "cost", then @Blasphemous paid too high of a cost for something that she gave away for free or very little.


----------



## ABHale

Blasphemous said:


> So far she has been a good wife, sometimes our views do clash on things but we generally sort it out. I like her but it’s the lying and her past which are giving me a really, really hard time. I’m not really sure what the **** should I do now. If I divorce her I lose a good wife but if I stay with her my mental peace keeps getting destroyed on a daily basis.


You have to decide if you can put this behind you.

If you can’t, then you will lose your sanity. You need to divorce her, she is putting on an act as a decent human being. There is nothing decent about her.


----------



## ABHale

Blasphemous said:


> So to answer all of your questions:-
> 
> She had these boyfriends before we met
> 
> This is not a child marriage type of situation
> 
> She also did say she was very, very sorry and really loves me when telling the truth ans was trying to make me feel better. Also says that if she told me all this before marriage and somehow the marriage didn’t go through, I could have told others about this and her reputation would have been damaged, even in her parents’ eyes.
> 
> Her or my life were not in danger at all had the marriage been cancelled. Nobody forced this decision on us.
> 
> She knows how badly I have been hurt by this and is trying to make things better.
> 
> I am really confused.


How can she ever make this better?

She can’t get you back your ability to go into the marriage with full knowledge of her past. She flat out lied to protect herself, not giving a crap about you.

But she really loves you now that you found out. How convenient.


----------



## ABHale

In Absentia said:


> So, you've been one of those guys too... who sleep with women before marriage, and then you blame the girl for doing the same...


He only slept with his wife. The two of them slept together before their wedding day.


----------



## ABHale

If you have no kids, you should divorce your wife. At least see a lawyer and have her believe it’s a possibility.

You will see who she really is at that point.


----------



## Divinely Favored

In Absentia said:


> So, you've been one of those guys too... who sleep with women before marriage, and then you blame the girl for doing the same...


He had only slept with his wife before marriage. He has different moral values than her.


----------



## Divinely Favored

I wonder if he got on her account and unblocked them if it would show messaging between her and them. Maybe up to the day of wedding or after? See how deep this rabbit hole goes. Was she into 3somes? 4somes? With multiple guess at a time? How long is the list? 5,10,20? What are your ages?


----------



## oldshirt

ABHale said:


> He only slept with his wife. The two of them slept together before their wedding day.





Divinely Favored said:


> He had only slept with his wife before marriage. He has different moral values than her.


And I slept with a number of women before our wedding day. 

...... we just happened to not get married. 

The point @Absentia was making is that is he is being a bit of a hypocrite when acting all butthurt about premarital sex when he in fact did have premarital sex himself. 

When he had the opportunity to score some tail he took it.


----------



## ABHale

oldshirt said:


> And I slept with a number of women before our wedding day.
> 
> ...... we just happened to not get married.
> 
> The point @Absentia was making is that is he is being a bit of a hypocrite when acting all butthurt about premarital sex when he in fact did have premarital sex himself.
> 
> When he had the opportunity to score some tail he took it.


It isn’t about having premarital sex. It is about his lying wife lying to him before marriage about all the men she slept with. He asked, he was never with anyone else. He would have never married or had sex with her if she told him the truth. From what OP said, the marriage was a sure thing before they had sex.


----------



## Diana7

oldshirt said:


> And I slept with a number of women before our wedding day.
> 
> ...... we just happened to not get married.
> 
> The point @Absentia was making is that is he is being a bit of a hypocrite when acting all butthurt about premarital sex when he in fact did have premarital sex himself.
> 
> When he had the opportunity to score some tail he took it.


They were engaged and committed.


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## Robert22205

How old are you guys? 

What were the circumstances behind her previous sex partners (e.g., long term or committed relationships?).

IMO it's odd that she had sex with 10 guys and stayed in touch with each. Are they directly or indirectly still in her life? Do you or her ever cross paths with an Ex?

You know her better than I but at that point in time, in the context of an engagement relationship, she was: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and showed zero empathy for you.

1 - you need to ask yourself if she typically puts herself first.

2 - it would matter to me if she confessed to relieve herself of guilt (putting herself first again) ; or out of love and respect for you.

3 - I assume she was raised and taught that premarital sex was a big deal/life changing sin. 

You need to figure out what exactly bothers you: that she put herself first and lied; or your perception of her moral values (which she may pass along to your kids). 

I think you can find a solid basis to forgive the lie. 

However, if you truly (permanently) believe her moral values are corrupted; or she's 'used goods'; or not someone you want influencing your kids - I think divorce is best for all concerned .


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## Casual Observer

Blasphemous said:


> I even asked her about her past before marrying her but she simply stated she had a couple of male friends but she had never been in a relationship. There would have been 0 issues from both sides if I had said no.


Is it not expected to vet your partner in an arranged marriage? It sounds a bit odd to say “I even asked her about her past” as if it’s unusual to do so. Are you, personally, going a bit away from your cultural norms in asking such questions? As in, the spouse’s past doesn’t matter, everything starts over, clean slate type of thing?

That doesn’t allow a pass for deception and lies, since you did ask. But she might have taken that ask within a different context.


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## DownByTheRiver

Blasphemous said:


> So here’s some background:- ours is an arranged marriage and before marrying her I did put up this question to which she replied she never had an affair. I genuinely had no relationships before marriage. After 8-9 months of marriage I saw her blocked list on Facebook and saw a list of about 10 guys so confronted her about it. She told me they were just her friends who have no purpose in her life anymore. After this, I did see a few suspicious things from time to time and just a couple of months ago asked that I am very stressed about all this and to please just tell me the whole thing. She confessed about being in relationships and had sex with that entire list of guys during various points of her life and told me if she would have told the truth to me before marriage I would have never married her and she wanted to secure her future.
> 
> Now here’s the thing, she know how much I value trust, I feel she took my choice away before marriage and I am feeling cheated. What should I do?


She'd probably be happy to be free again.


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## Divinely Favored

DownByTheRiver said:


> She'd probably be happy to be free again.


So she can get back on the 🎠 I'm sure.


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## pk1at

Blasphemous said:


> Our family relations would not have been impacted much since we didn’t meet each other much anyways plus I would not have told about this to any one. We were FREE to marry whoever we wanted to.
> I had sex with only her, after our engagement.


Having done some research on Asian marriages, here are some quick words to those not familiar with Indian arranged marriages prior to my two cent advice to OP. 
In India arranged marriages were the norm, they have been the norm since at least 1000+ years and will likely continue to dominate after the year 2040 or so. Its incorrect to call them 'arranged' as the bride's family typically receives a set of proposals and as a family, select the best choice. No doubt there is a lot of pressure on the girl to agree to the family choice, specially if the proposal is from a higher class (or wealthier ) groom.

On the flip side, arranged marriages have been incredibly successful, boasting a divorce rate of < 0.5%, fertility rate > 3.2 children/women, doubling family wealth every 40 years etc. Also share of births outside marriage is one of the lowest in India, with most children growing up with two parents and women report high satisfaction with marital life. Successful business families in India 'arrange' marriages for their children. Typically the bride marries into the grooms family and is accepted like a daughter and is expected to maintain family cohesion, so yes there is an expectation of virginity as prior relationships can impact family cohesion.

Based on above, arranged marriages demand high level of 'obedience' and 'compliance' from women, on the flip side they get life-long loyalty from spouse, emotional support, stable families etc. something most western women can only dream of. For men the challenge is to earn enough to support these large families

In the late 80's, India opened up to the world and its liberal media heavily promoted western concept of 'love marriages'. Mostly negative aspects of arranged marriages were highlighted, women's lack of choice, expectation of obedience, virginity prerequisite, being trapped etc. were shown as huge negatives, rare cases of marital abuse were featured prominently in media from 1990-2010.This led to many young people and their parents to look for 'love'. Unfortunately couples were completely unprepared for handling multiple relationships, partners before marriage etc. This has resulted in a sharp spike in divorce rates (over 20% in some cities) in large cities with bitter court battles and 10 fold increase in abuse complaints.

Given all this info, I would expect current generation of Indian parents to be very worried about their daughter 'falling in love' and pressure their daughters into traditional arranged marriages. So any woman with a prior history is under lot of pressure to lie and get through. 

So advice to OP is to forgive the lying about prior relationships or even hiding them from you. Question is what does the future hold. How mature is your wife? Can she handle one of the 10 'guys' coming back into her life? If she is less than 30 (?) then I would say no, she won't be able to handle her past. Of course she will be sorry now, what about 10 years and 2 kids later? 

She has broken all the expectations of an arranged marriage, so don't expect a great outcome for your marriage. Its going to take a long time to trust again and you will have to deal with all the emotional baggage. 
So advice is to separate, given that these issues grow over time and rarely heal


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## bygone

did not update on the latest status.

difficult to decide.


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