# The ugly beast, alcohol.



## IrisKH89

So I'm no stranger to addictions. I married a man who uses alcohol as a crutch through life. When we first met, he was 18 and loved to party. He has stories that make me shake my head by how irresponsible he was. I was 16 when we met, focused on school and my job. I wouldn't consider myself a "Goode two shoes" but I never took to partying underage. I was raised by a single, alcoholic mother so I knew the type of road that led down. My husband has two alcoholic parents. His father passed away last year but battled with heavy drugs and alcohol. 

We married after 6 years of dating and now have 7 years of marriage behind us but have brushed by divorce on numerous occasions because of his drinking. He's not a "beer in the morning" type of alcoholic, he's the type that will binge drink frequently during the week, after work even if it effects his home and work life. 

As of today, he's been without a binge day since April but I catch him sneaking a beer or two during the week. He says he can handle a few beers after work but it's Russian Roulette. It's very dangerous for him because it always starts with that first beer, he gets to feeling a certain way, starts thinking about life and it's off to a 6 pack. 

There's been many instances were he behaves in a horrible manner. He's a very genuine and loving man when he's sober which is why we're still married. He's an amazing provider and father to our son...when he's sober. 

We have ugly memories from his drinking. Sadly, each memory has two sides. Mine. His. He believes all of his bad behavior while intoxicated is because I instigated it. There were countless times when the drinking first began, when he'd be gone an entire night without contact, stumble in after driving home and I'd of course be very upset and confront him. He crashed our cars twice that I know of and admitted to mixing pills. I had a routine when he wouldn't come home of calling the hospital and police, praying they wouldn't have accident or death news. My childhood officer friend would say the same thing, "If I see him, I'll let him know you're looking for him but you know I can't force him to go home.". I'd get phone calls from my party crowd friends telling me my husband was cursing out a bartender or yelling, shirtless on the main street, drunk. I'd load my infant son up at midnight, on a work night, and go searching for him. 

This went on for months and months until I joined Al-Anon. I disconnected at that point. I let him make his own choices. I'd put his dinner in the fridge and leave the porch light on for him. 


Oddly, whenever he'd run into the law... It was my fault. I instigated it. Somehow, some way. Years later, he still blames me. I stuck by his side through years of grief, worry and embarrassment. 

What brings me here is most recently, we got into a major argument over his last arrest which was two years ago. He stormed my relatives home where we were staying, intoxicated and on pills( I truly believe.). He was like a crazed maniac that I'd never met before. Every 5 minutes he was either enraged at me or crying because he "loved" me. These emotions were back and forth, quickly. I was terrified. I tried to calm him down and have him lay down to sleep whatever he was on, off. My relatives woke up and it escalated beyond control. There was yelling, screaming and he started flipping furniture and breaking things. The police were called to have him removed. He was arrested and released the following day. He blames me. He believes somehow I caused him to freak out. I'm angry about this. I was scared and honestly embarrassed. My relatives do not care to have contact with him which I totally respect. I'd feel the same way! 

What can I say? I struggle with co-dependancy. Anyone else?


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## EleGirl

If he blames you for his own bad behavior, then he is not where near ready to end this cycle of addiction. He's not hit bottom yet.

Have you ended all contact with him now? If you have not, you really should. His behavior sounds like it could escalate to dangerous very easily.

Struggling with co-dependency. A lot of people do. It's a way to try to control your life while the other person is spiraling out of control. They worse they get, the more you try to control things. I often think of the image of the Dutch boy with his finger in the hold of a dike that is about to burst. He cannot hold back the water for very long.... the dike is going to burst and kill him. That's co-dependency.

You need to take care of yourself first.


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## sunsetmist

IrisKH89 said:


> This went on for months and months until I joined Al-Anon. I disconnected at that point. I let him make his own choices. I'd put his dinner in the fridge and leave the porch light on for him.
> ------------------------
> I'm angry about this. I was scared and honestly embarrassed. My relatives do not care to have contact with him which I totally respect. I'd feel the same way!
> 
> What can I say? I struggle with co-dependancy. Anyone else?



Sounds like you've known no other type of marriage relationship. How sad. 

I'm with your relatives. Hope no one is killed by his reckless behavior. What kind of example are you setting for your children?


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## sokillme

IrisKH89 said:


> So I'm no stranger to addictions. I married a man who uses alcohol as a crutch through life. When we first met, he was 18 and loved to party. He has stories that make me shake my head by how irresponsible he was. I was 16 when we met, focused on school and my job. I wouldn't consider myself a "Goode two shoes" but I never took to partying underage. I was raised by a single, alcoholic mother so I knew the type of road that led down. My husband has two alcoholic parents. His father passed away last year but battled with heavy drugs and alcohol.
> 
> We married after 6 years of dating and now have 7 years of marriage behind us but have brushed by divorce on numerous occasions because of his drinking. He's not a "beer in the morning" type of alcoholic, he's the type that will binge drink frequently during the week, after work even if it effects his home and work life.
> 
> As of today, he's been without a binge day since April but I catch him sneaking a beer or two during the week. He says he can handle a few beers after work but it's Russian Roulette. It's very dangerous for him because it always starts with that first beer, he gets to feeling a certain way, starts thinking about life and it's off to a 6 pack.
> 
> There's been many instances were he behaves in a horrible manner. He's a very genuine and loving man when he's sober which is why we're still married. He's an amazing provider and father to our son...when he's sober.
> 
> We have ugly memories from his drinking. Sadly, each memory has two sides. Mine. His. He believes all of his bad behavior while intoxicated is because I instigated it. There were countless times when the drinking first began, when he'd be gone an entire night without contact, stumble in after driving home and I'd of course be very upset and confront him. He crashed our cars twice that I know of and admitted to mixing pills. I had a routine when he wouldn't come home of calling the hospital and police, praying they wouldn't have accident or death news. My childhood officer friend would say the same thing, "If I see him, I'll let him know you're looking for him but you know I can't force him to go home.". I'd get phone calls from my party crowd friends telling me my husband was cursing out a bartender or yelling, shirtless on the main street, drunk. I'd load my infant son up at midnight, on a work night, and go searching for him.
> 
> This went on for months and months until I joined Al-Anon. I disconnected at that point. I let him make his own choices. I'd put his dinner in the fridge and leave the porch light on for him.
> 
> 
> Oddly, whenever he'd run into the law... It was my fault. I instigated it. Somehow, some way. Years later, he still blames me. I stuck by his side through years of grief, worry and embarrassment.
> 
> What brings me here is most recently, we got into a major argument over his last arrest which was two years ago. He stormed my relatives home where we were staying, intoxicated and on pills( I truly believe.). He was like a crazed maniac that I'd never met before. Every 5 minutes he was either enraged at me or crying because he "loved" me. These emotions were back and forth, quickly. I was terrified. I tried to calm him down and have him lay down to sleep whatever he was on, off. My relatives woke up and it escalated beyond control. There was yelling, screaming and he started flipping furniture and breaking things. The police were called to have him removed. He was arrested and released the following day. He blames me. He believes somehow I caused him to freak out. I'm angry about this. I was scared and honestly embarrassed. My relatives do not care to have contact with him which I totally respect. I'd feel the same way!
> 
> What can I say? I struggle with co-dependancy. Anyone else?



It's not the alcohol's fault. The majority of people can drink just fine. It's always the alcoholics fault.


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## musiclover

I am the poster child of co depebency. Never realized it till I came here.


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## Diana7

For your child's sake you need to separate until he stops this for good. 

I have no time for people who drink or take drugs and drive, you need to report him next time he does this before he kills someone, maybe even your child.


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## Vinnydee

My wife's parents were abusive alcoholics as were her brothers. My wife ran off with me 2,000 miles away from her parents, the spouses of her alcoholic brothers left them with the kids. One became a drug addict and died from an overdose. The other died from the excessive effects of drugs and alcohol. Her third brother moved into the woods of Pennsylvania and changed his life. You can leave. It is hot your responsibility to fix him. Sometimes you need to just walk away and let them face rock bottom on their own before they will get help. As we learned, many will relapse. Personally if my wife was an alcoholic, I would leave her. That is no way to live and I have my own demons to fight without having hers. Luckily my wife had only one year of being an alcoholic before she stopped and that was because I told her I would leave her and she will run out of money to buy her booze and end up on the street. I gave her a choice of two lives. One a really good one and the other leading got an early death as it did for most of her family.


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## musiclover

I got divorced over the one more vodka drink and I'm done so I get it. If he can't get it together then do yourself a favor abs get out. Believe me it doesdnt get better


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## Ms. GP

Since you know you can't control your husband and his drinking, what is your plan for you and your child?


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## arbitrator

*Iris ~ I firmly believe that a "Come to Jesus Meeting" is well beyond comprehension at this point. 

Immediate separation from him is now the order of the day as the safety and well-being of both you and your son hold absolute sway here!

Move in with your relatives, visit with an attorney,, and draft a letter to him letting him know in no uncertain terms, that the only thing that can possibly save this marriage is for him to get off the booze, willingly enter detox/counseling, and to come forward and enroll in Alcoholics Anonymous without the least amount of equivocation! This man is an alcoholic of the worst proportions! How on earth does he have the capability to maintain and keep a job?

This needs to be done long before the status quo of his imbibing modus operandi either kills or hurts you, your son, or some other innocent! As is, if he were to ever appear before a judge or magistrate, they would absolutely throw him under the jail!

*


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## aine

I’m sorry Iris, but for your child’s sake if not your own, you have to leave him if he does not get help. Tell him to go to AA, if he doesn’t you are separating. It will not get any better. I dealt with this for many years with my RAH. The fighting, coming home late, driving drunk, smashing doors, etc. Only now is he getting much better. It takes its toll on all of the family. You will have learnt this from ALANoN. You must let him go, stop covering for him, stop helping him. Record him when he is throwing one of his episodes, play it back to him when he is sober and tell him you cannot do it anymore.


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