# not just too much sex but wife CONSTANTLY want attention



## bribrius

i thought with three kids my wife would slow down but she hasnt, but only wanted more sex. i love sex, dont get me wrong, but im happy with three or four times a week. i work, have other things going. im very tired.

Despite the children my wife likes sex daily, more than once a day at times. she wakes me up for it knowing i have to go to work in the morning. She wants to have quickies during the day while the children are playing upstairs or even just in the other room. It is like she is dying for attention, ALWAYS. Right when i see her she climbs in my lap like she is one of the kids, or on my lap if you know what i mean in another way. Dont get me wrong, i love it that she is affectionate, but she is almost glued to me. i get a couple phone calls while im at work, text messages, and when i get home she is waiting by the door. Soon as we have five minutes alone she wants sex. please dont take this the wrong way im not totally upset over it. Ten years i have become somewhat used to it, but not totally used to it. There are times i just dont want cuddles, kisses, to lay with her or sex. But she always wants it.

im not sure what to do. She is a good mother, good wife in most ways. i just need some space. After the kids, work, and just life stresses i dont have this much left in me to give her in the way of sex or the attention she seems to require. She stays home with the children all day, and says she needs adult time because she is with kids all day. i understand that but the constant touching, loviness isnt always great. sometimes, i just need a break and to be left alone. i feel it zaps the energy i have left at the end of the day and i dont have enough to give the kids the time and energy they deserve.

She has also put flowers, balloons, etc in my cars, romantic type things. But now that im older i hate to say it, but ive kind of had enough. A simple i love you once a day and maybe some cuddle a couple times a week, sex a few times a week is enough for me. But my wife seems to want CONSTANT attention.

It is almost like she has no identity anymore except what she seems to find through me. i dont know what to do. i dont want to be mean about it. i ask her to sometimes just give me a little time to myself, but then she kind of sulks. We have been married and together for quite a few years now. i met her when we were younger and she was only eighteen and i was twenty three. i kind of thought she would have grown out of it but she never did and now its getting tiring. Especially since we have children, other responsibilitys now it isnt like when we were young and all we had to do was spend time together. we have other things going on now. But she is a good mother, very attentive. Almost, dare i say it, too attentive in all aspects. i love her, i dont want to sound mean, but i really need some time, and more space. i have no energy left physically or emotionally i feel like she is draining me. She even kind of sulks when im at work, wants me to leave early or not go in. I really just dont know what to do with her. She has some friends (with kids they have play dates) but not alot. Family she can spend time with. It isn't like she has no one else. i just dont know how to appease her. She will be calling my cellphone not even five minutes after i leave work, everyday. i just dont know what to do with her. This was all fine, cute for the first years, but overtime it the cuteness has worn off. i just want a break. To re-energize or something.


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## Mavash.

I used to be like your wife. I feel sorry for her. It's a miserable way to live having your entire identity and happiness tied up in your husband.

My sincere advice to you is to nip this in the bud. Neediness isn't attractive and if you don't do something about it in the form of healthy boundaries you will begin to resent her and will avoid her. 

You need to learn to lovingly say the word "no" as if you were speaking to a child clamoring for a candy bar in the checkout line. She needs to learn the lesson of self control and personal space. You start small and work your way up reassuring her the entire time. Baby steps. Kwim?


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## Po12345

Wow, your wife is a lot more like I am and you are more like my wife, except I have more than anything been like this the past year or so, except the sex part (we probably average 2 to 3 times a week). 

With respect to the sex, is your wife able to be intimate without having sex? That is one of my major issues. I didn't realize it and then by trying to fix it I lost my identity in the last year due to our marriage problems and my misunderstanding what it is that my wife needs. I believed I was supposed to make her the center of my emotional world, I guess that goes to show you shouldn't believe what you see in the movies.

If your wife is like me, when you try and take time to yourself she likely sees it as you distancing yourself from her, which she may see as a problem that needs fixing, causing her to be even more clingy, more phone calls, more text messages, rather than just understanding you just want to do your own thing and it has nothing to do with her.


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## betrayed32

bribrius, the first thing i thought of when reading this is if you have ever done anything behind your wife's back that she found out about or broken her trust in any way? my husband recently completely broke my trust and since then i have literally become obsessed with having sex with him, wanting him to touch me all the time, cuddle me, look at me, smile at me. Any kind of attention i can get from him. it's all i can think about. I think because i feel so insecure now after what he did. It wasn't cheating or anything (at least not in the typical sense of the word), but i found out he was doing things behind my back of a sexual nature that he knew would devastate me but did it anyway. so now i feel like i need constant validation that he still "wants" me. not sure if this could be the case with you and your wife?


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## Mavash.

Read up on fear of abandonment and see if the description fits. There might be tips on how to reassure someone with that problem. I sought therapy for my abandonment issues.


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## sisters359

This is not normal or healthy behavior, both b/c she seems to have no inner emotional resources and b/c it is putting all of her eggs in one basket, you. Does your wife have any history of sexual abuse? That, in addition to the abandoment fear already mentioned, would be worth investigating with her.

It is time for you to set boundaries and to insist that both of you explore separate areas of interest/fulfillment. She needs therapy first, though, so that she simply does not look to replace your attention with that of someone else. 

Encurage her to take up a hobby and get counseling focused on why she is so emotionally needy. She might become too obsessive about a hobby if she does the one without the other. If she likes to feel valued, volunteer work might be worth investigating. Let her take some of that nervous energy to a good cause. 

Good luck.


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## moxy

She needs hobbies and projects that are her own and not about you. Too much of her happiness is tied up in the connection she shares with you and she's becoming very dependent upon you. It's not fair to you. Also, her addiction to you is going to leave her unfulfilled. You can't be her everything and she needs to self-regulate her happiness. I wonder if she even realizes that this is an option. 

Have you talked to her about it, more directly than just saying you need some private time? Any chance you can convince her to join a social club of some sort to help get her motivated in the right direction? Sometimes, people think that they are expected to give all their time and attention to their partners, not realizing that a little more time apart is better for both and actually that both will benefit from a bit more individuality. 

I think you need to be gentle but candid with her when you have a talk with her about this so that she doesn't feel rejected, but sees it as something that will benefit the both of you. Doing this harshly or manipulatively will damage your relationship, but being more honest and open, doing it with kindness will help make your relationship stronger. Think of it as an exercise in balance that you both have to work out together. You could explain it kindly with analogies, maybe -- a little bit of sugar is delightful, but an entire diet of sugar alone can be overwhelming to the palate; while you're lucky enough to have a candy shop worth of sugar, you want to be able to savor the candy that you get and you can't do that if you don't have the space you need to crave it.

I agree with the folks above who have suggested that it might be useful to read up a little on abandonment issues. Maybe even the Love Languages? It could be that simple.


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## chillymorn

buy her some flowers and print this out and let her reed it.

after words have a compasionate talk about your need for some space. reasure her that you love her and all but you just need x amount of personal space.

then take her in the bedroom and make love. end it on a high note.


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## bribrius

betrayed32 said:


> bribrius, the first thing i thought of when reading this is if you have ever done anything behind your wife's back that she found out about or broken her trust in any way? my husband recently completely broke my trust and since then i have literally become obsessed with having sex with him, wanting him to touch me all the time, cuddle me, look at me, smile at me. Any kind of attention i can get from him. it's all i can think about. I think because i feel so insecure now after what he did. It wasn't cheating or anything (at least not in the typical sense of the word), but i found out he was doing things behind my back of a sexual nature that he knew would devastate me but did it anyway. so now i feel like i need constant validation that he still "wants" me. not sure if this could be the case with you and your wife?


in my mind no, in her mind yes. we have separated twice before. The first was when we were boyfriend and girlfriend YEARS ago for four months. i had another girlfriend for a month of that time. She has insisted then, and since that that was cheating on her. She actually started a website slamming me over it during the time and ended up with a restraining order on her from the new girlfriend i had been dating for threatening her. i agree me being with someone is a issue because, well me and my wife went back together and ended up married. So in that since i guess i strayed. But in my mind, we werent together during that period. The only other time we separated was for another three months, after we were married. Basically i just was suffering burnout, moved out. i didnt divorce her. didnt cheat on her, i wouldnt. i just needed space to recouperate. She still came to visit me with and without the kids and tried to entice me through sex to spend time with her. Even though i told her i needed a break i was going to have a nervouse breakdown if she didnt give me some space.



Mavash. said:


> Read up on fear of abandonment and see if the description fits. There might be tips on how to reassure someone with that problem. I sought therapy for my abandonment issues.


i am now, and yeah. it looks real, REAL familiar. I have no intention of divorcing my wife though. i love her. i wish she would understand this. i have basically taken care of her in one way or the other since she was eighteen and her father died. Even when we separated i still made sure she lived in the house and the bills were paid. Made sure she had a car. I have done this with her since she was eighteen mostly because i got her pregnant when she was eighteen so made sure the child and mother had a roof over there heads even if i was broke trying to do it.



sisters359 said:


> This is not normal or healthy behavior, both b/c she seems to have no inner emotional resources and b/c it is putting all of her eggs in one basket, you. Does your wife have any history of sexual abuse? That, in addition to the abandoment fear already mentioned, would be worth investigating with her.
> 
> It is time for you to set boundaries and to insist that both of you explore separate areas of interest/fulfillment. She needs therapy first, though, so that she simply does not look to replace your attention with that of someone else.
> 
> Encurage her to take up a hobby and get counseling focused on why she is so emotionally needy. She might become too obsessive about a hobby if she does the one without the other. If she likes to feel valued, volunteer work might be worth investigating. Let her take some of that nervous energy to a good cause.
> 
> Good luck.


Tried counseling, she only went to one session. she doesnt think anything is wrong with her and that she should love her husband. Tried to get her into art, bought her art supplies, easel, get her painting. Anything. other attempts too. All were short lived. she does to volunteer work but seems to do it while at im work so no break there for me. She went to college for a couple years, i thought she would get a career, something. But she quit work and said she just wants to be a wife and mother. She worked about two years and just stopped going. Her mother said she was sexually abused by a uncle when she was three or four or something. wife denies it and says she dont remember, doesnt know what her mother is talking about.



moxy said:


> She needs hobbies and projects that are her own and not about you. Too much of her happiness is tied up in the connection she shares with you and she's becoming very dependent upon you. It's not fair to you. Also, her addiction to you is going to leave her unfulfilled. You can't be her everything and she needs to self-regulate her happiness. I wonder if she even realizes that this is an option.
> 
> Have you talked to her about it, more directly than just saying you need some private time? Any chance you can convince her to join a social club of some sort to help get her motivated in the right direction? Sometimes, people think that they are expected to give all their time and attention to their partners, not realizing that a little more time apart is better for both and actually that both will benefit from a bit more individuality.
> 
> I think you need to be gentle but candid with her when you have a talk with her about this so that she doesn't feel rejected, but sees it as something that will benefit the both of you. Doing this harshly or manipulatively will damage your relationship, but being more honest and open, doing it with kindness will help make your relationship stronger. Think of it as an exercise in balance that you both have to work out together. You could explain it kindly with analogies, maybe -- a little bit of sugar is delightful, but an entire diet of sugar alone can be overwhelming to the palate; while you're lucky enough to have a candy shop worth of sugar, you want to be able to savor the candy that you get and you can't do that if you don't have the space you need to crave it.
> 
> I agree with the folks above who have suggested that it might be useful to read up a little on abandonment issues. Maybe even the Love Languages? It could be that simple.


i think it is abandoment issues, or something. Maybe her father dying when she was young. i dont know honestly. i have NO INTENTION of leaving her. i just cant let myself crash over this again i have kids to worry about as well. Something else weird, when she doesnt get attention she does things like run up a credit card, start problems with someone, something, almost like she is doing it to get attention. She enjoys sex, but i dont think the sex thing is what she is really seeking. But uses it to be guaranteed some type of attention at that moment. 
I appreciate all the responses, im looking up abandonment now and it does sound alot like it. She is also on anti depression med of some kind. Dont know if that is a factor but she started them after the second baby is born and is on them again since the third child. She really has no reason to be insecure, i dont have any intention of leaving her, never cheated on her far as i can tell, pretty much always been there for her even when we werent together i was still there. She is also a great wife. i thought it was fine she was like this when she was younger. i figured i never had to worry about her cheating. A friend of mine referred to her as my "puppydog" following me around so i am nolonger friends with him. But what he said kind of stuck in my mind. It is weird, and i cant take it. She is a very beautiful woman, intelligent, she gained a little weight from having the children but i still get complimented on her being very pretty. She really just shouldnt be insecure, AT ALL , if that is what this is. And like i said, she has been like this probably for most of the time i have known her, it may have alot to do with her father dying way back then. And her being pregnant her mother basically gave her to me to take care of. Maybe it is the beginning that was screwed up, and i just never fixed it in time. i really just dont know but its been going on for over a decade. She has never had another boyfriend even. Nothing. Never been out of state except with me. Never lived or been on her own where she had to pay her own bills and do for herself. i tried to get her to when we separated and were just boyfriend and girlfriend but she basically just cried and i stepped in again to pay the bills (going without myself in the process) and make sure her and our child then was okay.
i probably should have posted this problem a decade ago, instead of now. But then it was sort of cute. Now, its just not. i cant take it.


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## bribrius

she has been diagnosed with mild depression (as noted above the depression pills after having the children) and anxiety disorder. Not exactly sure what anxiety order actually means but i think it has do with how she handles things, or rather she gets anxiety easy and cant take on alot. 
But she does amazing with the children, which stress me out from time to time but she does great with them. And she just turned 31. if any of that is a help.


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## Mavash.

I've been diagnosed with ptsd/depression and anxiety. I am one with abandonment issues. Anxiety means there are limits to what I can handle. I get easily overstimulated, overwhelmed and easily triggered. I learned all this when I turned 33. That when I sought help.


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## bribrius

Mavash. said:


> I've been diagnosed with ptsd/depression and anxiety. I am one with abandonment issues. Anxiety means there are limits to what I can handle. I get easily overstimulated, overwhelmed and easily triggered. I learned all this when I turned 33. That when I sought help.


sounds like she is alot like you. So baby steps, slowly, reassure her as you said in your other post. Right? 
so my mistake is, i have been letting it go until im about to crash or be burned out, and i should probably be taking these baby steps with her instead of letting her suck the energy out of me until its too late.
so she will come out of this? i dont need her to be perfect, i love her anyway. i just need her to come out of this AT LEAST a little for my own sanity.
since i started typing on this thread she has read the first post i made, asked if anyone responded (i could tell she was hoping no one did), asked about what ive been typing three times since. Asked me to put the laptop away. But has not given any actual response to what im typing that she did read. What do you make of that?
she just kind of blocked it out, like in some sort of denial or maybe she doesnt know what to do but asked me to put away the laptop since she knows this thread is about her clingyness.
im hoping she reads the entire thing, gets mad, anything that might help her realize how she is. Get her to take a step back and look. Maybe not be so insecure.


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## Mavash.

She doesn't want to face the truth about herself. Its too painful.

Will she come out of this? Unlikely not without professional help.

Your mistake was yes letting resentment build and you've enabled her behavior. You've said yes when what you really wanted to do was say no. In the future you should not agree to things you don't want to do. 

This isn't your problem to FIX but it is up to you to set boundaries.

And while you're at it lock up the credit cards and make sure she can't spend money online.


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## moxy

Anxiety and abandonment issues are not pleasant. Even if one doesn't acknowledge them, they do create problems by lingering under the surface.

I don't think you should separate or divorce (nothing indicates that it would be necessary, but it does sound like things have escalated to an unhealthy level and that it's really getting to you. It sounds like she needs some counseling but isn't willing to go it alone. Can you guys try going to counseling together for a while, see if that helps her. Maybe if she starts thinking of independence as a way to make her relationship with yo better, she will be less afraid or reluctant to try being more independent. This is a tough situation, but I don't think it should go ignored. It sounds like you love her, want to help her, and do not want to enable her codependent behavior. If not marriage counseling where you guys can try to work this stuff out, why not try CODA (Codependents Anonymous)? It's a group thing and might help her a bit and also you. Have you guys tried stuff like that?


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## bribrius

moxy said:


> Anxiety and abandonment issues are not pleasant. Even if one doesn't acknowledge them, they do create problems by lingering under the surface.
> 
> I don't think you should separate or divorce (nothing indicates that it would be necessary, but it does sound like things have escalated to an unhealthy level and that it's really getting to you. It sounds like she needs some counseling but isn't willing to go it alone. Can you guys try going to counseling together for a while, see if that helps her. Maybe if she starts thinking of independence as a way to make her relationship with yo better, she will be less afraid or reluctant to try being more independent. This is a tough situation, but I don't think it should go ignored. It sounds like you love her, want to help her, and do not want to enable her codependent behavior. If not marriage counseling where you guys can try to work this stuff out, why not try CODA (Codependents Anonymous)? It's a group thing and might help her a bit and also you. Have you guys tried stuff like that?


no we havent tried that. we tried marriage counseling. first session she saw the counselor, then i had a session with the counselor (counselor wanted to meet us separately first). After that i went back, and she refused to go again. so she only went to the intitial session. Thats it. so there wasnt any point in me continuing to go. The counselor actually suggested i divorce her, partly because she refused to come back. counselor said it was my choice of what i do of course, but that he suggested i totally keep divorce on the table. Which made me upset of course. im not going to divorce my wife over not going to counseling sessions. She just insisted there is no reason to go, nothing wrong with her, that she is supposed to love her husband. And how was i going to argue with that? i didnt know what to say to her. Because she never went past the inititial session, we never even sat in front of the counselor together as a couple. codependent group session might be a very good idea. wonder if my health insurance will cover it they covered the marital counseling so they might. Appreciate t6he insight everyone. you have already helped me alot. i now am leaning toward abandonment fear as a cause, least i know that much.
i should probably get off the laptop now as i was just accused of putting the laptop over giving family time. Basically her passive aggressive way of trying to get my attention back on her, and to get me off this thread.


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## bribrius

or i could just not give into her so im back to clarify something. i realize if someone not dealing with it is reading this thread they may not see the problem. People that come visit us dont see the problem. I get told how great my wife is. Ill be honest in most ways she is. If a friend is over and i ask my wife to please get me a cup of coffee or something she will jump right up and get it, she makes dinners, a great mother as i said, she has no issues offering sex or attention she offers too much to me and pushes it on me.
Thats the problem.
If you lived it, you would understand. i cant explain it easily, i realize it sounds like a great life but it sucks the life right out of you constantly trying to appease someones needs that needs constant attention. 
if my wife is doing something as simple as going somewhere, and im not at work. She will get mad, to the point of holding grudges, sulking, whatever if i say i dont want to go with her. Even if she is just going down the road to buy a soda, whatever it is. She will actually get upset, i wont go with her. if i shut off my phone, she will get in the car and come LOOKING for me, i dont answer the phone, she comes looking for me. im in the next room, she goes in the same room as me. i move rooms, she will follow me. if i say im going to a friends house, she wants to go. i cant even have dinner with my own mother without her wanting to be there. she has gone to my work, bringing me things coffee, lunch, whatever but it became such a regular thing i had to tell her to stop, in which she still kept coming to my work. if she goes anywhere, and i dont go, she will call the house and my cellphone over, and over, and over trying to get me to answer. Anytime she is around, unless she is doing something with the children, she wants to sit RIGHT with me, touching me, on my lap at times. we go out in public she glues to me, hold hands, affectionate. I dont want to hold her hand she freaks out thinking i dont want to be seen with her. She is very pretty that is hardly the reason. i just need some space.
if i stop somewhere as simple as getting the oil changed in one of the cars and im fifteen minutes late, she wants to know why im late. she checks my cellphone for calls from other people. i cant even take a shower by myself sometimes, she wants to come in with me. she is just ALWAYS THERE. And she doesnt take any responsibility beyond the kids, she sends everything my way to figure out, pay, whatever. she wants to have no input, or offer any help in running the house, money, decisions. Nothing. She is kind of like having a child in herself. She says she does whatever i tell her to so she dont see the problem. But the thing is she really dont. If i tell her i want a day to myself she refuses to give me a day. im lucky to get twenty minutes without some contact. i fell to sleep on the couch a few times and never made it to bed. next day i had fifty question from her on why i didnt sleep in the same bed with her and her asking if i didnt love her anymore.
i was just TIRED, i fell to sleep on the couch. i cant even wake up and sit and drink a cup of coffee without twenty questions and her RIGHT there. she is worse than the kids saying daddy, daddy, daddy, all the time.
She is attentive, tries really hard to please me, but i just cant totally explain i think, what it is like. And how burnt out you get between biting your tongue, trying to show your affection and appease the person, and just never having a chance to gain any energy back but always giving energy out. i only get about five to six hours sleep if im lucky a night between things going on, kids, and work in early a.m.
Even if she doesnt wake me up on purpose for cuddle, sex, or just to sit and talk in the middle of the night, i still wake up with her laying half way on me. i dont get my side of the bed to myself. she says that she somehow ends up laying on me in her sleep, all i know is a wake up in the night and she is pretty much laying on me. And thats when she doesnt wake me up on purpose. she organizes my clothes, lays them out, picks out what im going to wear. If i pick my own clothes out and put what she picked out back she gets this paranoid look thinking i dont like what she picked out and im going to leave her over it or something because i dont like the clothes she picked out out for me to wear that day. organizes all my stuff. Moves my stuff around. Truth is i would rather dress myself and organize my own things but she just does it. She asks for my approval on what she wears, tells me every little thing going on, tells me if she does go somewhere, what time, when she will be back, i get like a minute by minute explanation which i never asked for. im usually just happy she went by herself instead of making me go so i get left alone a little bit but it is rare she goes anywhere without me. Changed her emails to refering to my girl years ago and still are. Refers to herself as my wife instead of using her own name, introduces at the least with her married name, never her actual name. i cant even walk out in the backyard without her asking me where im going. i drove up to the store two miles away without telling her last month, she called me five times in about ten minutes i think. i didnt answer and she was waiting my the door when i drove in the driveway asking me where i went and why. And sometimes you dont want to be touched, or talked to. The sex is great, ill admit, especially when she is making love she gets really into it. But most of the time she is offering, doing it, pushing it for other reasons and it is obvious in how she has sex. Like she is doing it just to secure her place, or to keep me around, or to make sure she gets attention. it isn't this great wonderful thing. Plenty of it on tap but not always this wonderous thing under her frame of mind.

From the outside, it looks great. all i got to say is try living it. And people i know tell me how great she is, but they dont quite follow the entire idea of what it is like being with her. And she does need constant reassurance, attention, on EVERYTHING. The simplest things, she comes to me about. Defers everything to me. To some degree this doesnt bother me i was raised conservative religious so i can handle it to some extent. But not the extent our eleven year old daughter is more independent than my wife. i think she has told everyone how wonderful i am so many times they are sick of hearing about it, i know im sick of her texting me and telling me how wonderful i am. She actually gets jealous of our kids for taking her time with me from her. She is really jealous of the daughter and son that are a little older.
it just never stops.


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## Accipiter777

I'm getting the feeling your wife is hyper-attentive. Insecure maybe? Worried that you might stray? or leave her? maybe as a child something happened between her parents? You might hear stuff from others about "she had an affair and is now feeling guilty, so she over does it" type of thing... I'm wondering if she has something in her past she may not even realize.


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## bribrius

Accipiter777 said:


> I'm getting the feeling your wife is hyper-attentive. Insecure maybe? Worried that you might stray? or leave her? maybe as a child something happened between her parents? You might hear stuff from others about "she had an affair and is now feeling guilty, so she over does it" type of thing... I'm wondering if she has something in her past she may not even realize.


Abandonment or fear of abandonment other posters mentioned which sounds just like her with a little neurotic anxiety as well.
There were times, i had wished she would have a affair. Or would leave me. So i could get some peace and quiet. But she says she doesnt believe in divorce, will kill me if i divorce her, told me when we separated before she would fight toothe and nail to not give me a divorce. i actually had no intentions of divorcing her but she was already fighting about not letting me divorce her. i wasn't going to divorce her anyway. She was fighting, beggin me not to divorce her when i wasnt planning on divorcing her i just wanted some time away from her before i lost my marbles. lol i cant picture her cheating, at all. First of all she has been like this since i met her pretty much, no changes. Second of all she is too glued to me to cheat. There are also some things i have noticed about her in all these years. She has always kept a picture of me on her keychain, she has always kept a picture of me on the dashboard in the car. And since married i have never seen her taking the wedding ring off except to clean it and then she put it right back on. She never took off the engagement ring either. She also, imo, just isnt the type to cheat. Never really was. And when i was when we were younger i bought her a locket, she wore it until she put on a engagement ring. i never seen any of these things off her person unless she had them in the cleaner. Cheaters avoid spouses i thought. She wont leave me alone. which is okay i want attention, just not ALL THE TIME. last thing is, i always no where she is. She dont go far. she tells me exactly where, when she goes. who with. usually with family or people i know. But she hardly goes out anyway. kids are home, not all inschool. im not even sure when she could find the time or person to cheat with or the place. i used to wonder that if she was that way because she was cheating. But i just could never find that fathomable or a realistic consideration. Last reason i could never picture her cheating is she is very depedent, attached to me and has been. Probably not in a good way. i couldnt picture her even looking elsewhere. she had chances to date when we seperated, she never saw anybody, didnt sleep with anybody. Her family told me all she did was sit and cry pretty much. Figure i got a girlfriend when we separated, and dated a little. she didnt do anything, didnt date anyone. Nothing.
i dont think that way now as far as wishing she would cheat on me, but i have in the past. Especially when i just didnt think i could take it anymore i would wish she would cheat on me and find someone else.
since then im trying to learn to cope and look at her better sides. The pluses to the relationship, how great she is in other areas. etc. Im basically trying to hold it together so i dont suddenly feel the need to pack my things and move out again because me moving in and out cant be healthy for the children, me, or her.
the problems we have result in basically me shutting down, emotionally, i get to a certain point and i just cant deal with it anymore and i basically shut down. Overload. Go to my cave, or as twice before take a leave of absence from her just to clear my head and get some quiet. Then she freaks out because now she is getting even less attention and really thinks i am going to leave her or am having a affair or something. When it is nothing of the sort..
Maybe she just needs a prescription for lots of valiums or something.


----------



## Blanca

My H and I were a lot like you and your wife in the beginning of our marriage. I suffocated my H and he had issues telling me that he needed space. We did a boundary book and workbook together called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. It has dramatically improved our marriage. It helped me learn to accept what he needed and stop trying to fill the emptiness in my life with him, and it also helped him take responsibility for not standing up to me. It wasn't easy at first; there was so much resentment on both sides that doing the book together caused some explosive fights. But I think you have to get through those raw feelings before things can really improve.


----------



## moxy

I'm pretty sure you have enough sway to insist upon or demand marriage counseling where you guys go together as a couple and talk to someone about the line between independence and codependent behaviors. She seems to want your company and even need it. If she isn't going to let that go, if she is just going to insist that she is supposed to love her husband, then she is essentially handing you some reins, which you can use to guide the both of you to a better relationship -- at least at the beginning of this journey. Tell her that you're not interested in divorce, just in making the relationship better, and state that to your marriage counselor on day one. A good counselor should help you with your problems, not impose things upon you that you don't want. You both seem to have a very specific problem that you want to work on and you can do it as a "team" and if she understands that, then she might be more willing to cooperate. Try again, on this front and try to be more firm about the number of sessions, like maybe one each for an intake and at least 3 as a couple before she re-thinks backing out. That way, she will give it a real chance. She can't use you as a shield from the whole world forever, but it will be really hard to get her to stop that habit because she probably feels vulnerable without you to protect her (emotionally, speaking). That's just my two cents on it, since you mentioned that you guys have been to just one session. With both support groups like CODA and MC or IC, you have to shop around because the first one won't always be the best fit (as you both discovered). Don't give up. I'm not trying to be pushy, so forgive me if I seem that way, but she really does need a professional to help her address these concerns and since she seems to be afraid to address them on her own, it would be in both your interest and hers for you guys to give that a second chance, even if it causes some discomfort and stress at first.

Don't worry so much about justifying that this is a problem. It isn't as bad as some people's problems, but it is indeed getting in the way of mutually fulfilling lives for you both and that means it is significant enough to pay attention to. Sure, having someone always there in a puppy-dog capacity can be great, but, you want a partner and not a pet (I'm using the example your friend gave that you mentioned); it's a great thing that she is loyal, but if she isn't allowing herself to be a person, then her actions are robotic and overly focused. There was a Twilight Zone episode about this very thing; when my stbxh was complaining that I was being too clingy, we watched it together and it made me detach a bit more than I was used to doing because I did not want to be like the woman in the episode. Maybe you can show her the episode so she understands the problem? Anyway, sure, there are plenty of people with too little attention out there, but the fact that you have the opposite problem doesn't mean that it isn't a problem in the end.

Oh, and that Cloud & Townsend book mentioned above is pretty good. I have also read it and thought it was valuable.


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## Uptown

Bribrius, the behaviors you describe are consistent with the traits of DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder). See Dependent personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Of course, only a professional can determine whether here DPD traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown DPD. Simply spotting the red flags (i.e., the strong traits), however, is not difficult if you take time to read about them. 

Significantly, if your W has such strong traits, her issues go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills. As others have already told you, these sorts of issues arise from a strong fear of abandonment. You are not responsible for creating that fear. It would have started about age 3 or 4, at which time she was trying to learn how to trust other people. 

Another implication of having such strong traits is that she likely has great difficulty with "object constancy," i.e., realizing that your feelings are fairly constant from week to week and day to day. People having that difficulty have a hard time realizing that they continue to be an important part of the loved one's life when he is out of sight or out of town. My foster son, for example, calls me every day for a few minutes because he has an object constancy problem.

Indeed, all of us have that problem during our early childhood. The first thing we have to learn is that mother does not vanish from existence whenever she steps out of the room. Yet, when a trauma occurs at age 3 or 4, some children never do develop a strong sense of object constancy. This gives rise to a strong fear of abandonment.


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## EleGirl

bribrius,

There is nothing wrong with your wife. She likes sex. It is not co-depenent to want sex. She is just high drive. Whena man wants a lot of sex he no one calls him co-dependent. Get real. She just has a good sex drive.

You say that you believe in Biblical marriage, which you follow. YOu said that this means that NO is not allowed in marriage. So you have an obligation to provide her sex when she wants it.

Now do your duty and put out.


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## bribrius

update: After asking her some questions from a codependency and the dpd quiz im not asking her to go back to try counseling. she doesnt want to go. 
she did score high on the quiz, not that it matters its just a quiz but half of that reason could be our life. i basically took care of her since we first met so she would score dependent and codependent.

the bigger issue, is the insecurity, or whatever it is which i discussed with her. Asked her some questions of my own like "do you think you could live on your own", and why she has done certain things throughout the years i have known her.
shockingly, she has been pretending she was something she wasnt to appease me.
she didnt want to go to college, she went for me.
she didnt want to be involved at all in the finances, she did it for me.
she never wanted a career, but when i first met her i was so money hungry she pretended she wanted one. She did work a couple years, but said she never even wanted to do that she wanted to be home with our daughter. But did it because she didnt want me to know she wasnt a career girl.

Basically, much of the last twelve years, she has spent certain parts of it pretending she was someone else, trying to make me happy and feel accepted. She was paranoid i wouldnt want her. She really just wanted to be a simple stay at home caregiver wife/mother. That alot of times she didnt understand what i was talking about on things, and just said she did because she didnt want me to think she was stupid. She never wanted to get involved in the the rentals and tenants, she never wanted to get involved in anything similliar because she basically didnt understand it and didnt like that type of thing.. She never wanted to do the taxes and knows she has been screwing them up and had to fix them a couple times but didnt want to tell me because then i would know she didnt really understand how to do the taxes right. Lot of times she just told me what i wanted to hear.
She said she wanted to be with me since our first child was born but was always worried she wasnt good enough and back then i kept dating other people instead of her. so she started pretending she was something else so i would want to be with her.
She was basically, for most of the time, pretending she was someone else. And has been. And she has no idea what im talking about on business things, but says she does because she doesnt want to look stupid. 
She basically, just always wanted to be with me and a stay at home wife but didnt think i would accept her and has been worried i would leave her.

i asked her why she never told me this, she said she had told me some of it. But i didnt listen and she didnt want me to leave her for someone who understood things more that was business/career minded. And she said the things she had told me she didnt understand, or the things she had made mistakes on i was very critical. i dont remember being critical but generally speaking i can be. so she wanted to tell me even less, or was afraid to ask me when she didnt know something.

course i feel like total crap now that she told me this. i had no idea she was this insecure.

on the good side, she said she has been more herself in the last few years, the last year mostly. And she said she has always been happy and is happy with me. Just always really concerned i was going to leave her or for some reason she wasnt what i wanted and good enough. And because i came from more money than her, she never thought i saw her family as being as good as mine. She said that bothered her too.


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## EleGirl

Sounds like the two of you had a really good discussion. She's maturing is coming to know herself better.

It will be interesting to see if her demand for sex slows down now.


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## bribrius

i think the strange thing, is i never cared if she was a stay at home wife and mother. I liked it. she just somehow thought she needed to be more than that or know more than that for me to be happy with her and stay with her. Probably from me though, must have been how i acted somehow or maybe her trying to meet my familys approval as well. i know my family (my mother mostly) had been pretty vocal about her at times but my family is pretty upfront anyway. i know my sister called her a leech once and that didnt go over well at all and took a year before they were all talking again. Overall the family did accept her (well by my familys standards they can be a bit to the point)they just are harsh at times but we are all kind of harsh with eachother and vocal. its a family thing we just are but we trade funds back and forth financially and are always there for eachother. we are all just critical people and like that. Apparently the family thing seriously effected my wife as well she took the criticism to heart.. some things were said to her over the years she never quite got over. Like she messed up our checkbook before and said she was afraid i would find out and worse yet my family would find out she messed up our checkbook. She is concerned over this family thing to that extent that they wont perceive her right or look at her favorably.


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## bribrius

EleGirl said:


> Sounds like the two of you had a really good discussion. She's maturing is coming to know herself better.
> 
> It will be interesting to see if her demand for sex slows down now.


she is thirty years old now. sounds more to me like she has been walking on egg shells for twelve years trying to fit in and make me and my family happy.
i actually dont feel to good about this. i wouldnt consider this a good thing but it might explain why she needs so much attention and reassurance.

Guess it probably helps explain why she used to call us a cult (family im from) and said she hates women lib though......
it all kind of makes sense now.


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## bribrius

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhi cant believe i didnt notice this!!! How could i manage not to notice this? Was i just not listening or paying attention or what??????????????????????


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## Gaia

bribrius said:


> ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhi cant believe i didnt notice this!!! How could i manage not to notice this? Was i just not listening or paying attention or what??????????????????????


Notice.... what exactly??


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## bribrius

Gaia said:


> Notice.... what exactly??


GEE I DUNNO. Maybe that my wife was walking on eggshells for twelve years and living in paranoia afraid i would leave her and pretending she was someone else to make everyone else happy?


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## bribrius

I know when my wife was eighteen after she said she was pregnant she called me crying one day saying my mother had called her and told her if she wasnt a good mother then my side of the family would take the baby from her. Cant imagine that helped getting off to a start like that.
I never really gave much thought about it but when my wife had asked back then if i was going to take away our baby and told me what my mother said i was just like "well if you arent a good mother then i will probably go for custody".
Thinking of how that probably sounded to my wife though back then in her head, i can see how this entire thing all started looking back. But that was twelve years ago. I really thought everything was fine now, but apparently these types of things accumulated over the years in my wifes head and she has been living with them. I thought everything was fine and she has been getting along great but she has been walking on eggshells with all this stuff in her head. Trying to be "good enough". wonder why she is so freakn insecure i just never had realized how deep all this effected her and how she wanted to belong etc.


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## Gaia

bribrius said:


> GEE I DUNNO. Maybe that my wife was walking on eggshells for twelve years and living in paranoia afraid i would leave her and pretending she was someone else to make everyone else happy?


No one's perfect and no offense*** .. but your posts did have an attitude of assumption about your marriage being perfectly fine in your eyes. The reason I had asked because that freak out AAHHH in bold seemed a bit off the wall compared to your other posts........ lol 

Now that you posted this... it makes a bit more sense...

(Edited for misspelling)


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## Maricha75

bribrius said:


> GEE I DUNNO. Maybe that my wife was walking on eggshells for twelve years and living in paranoia afraid i would leave her and pretending she was someone else to make everyone else happy?


It's because she hid it well from you. For most of that time, based on other posts you have made, it seems you took her at her word on everything (as many people do) and just assumed she felt the same as you because she SAID she does. Now, learning all of this about her... how is that going to affect your opinion of her, your marriage, your family? That's what you need to think about now.


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## bribrius

Gaia said:


> No one's perfect and no offense*** .. but your posts did have an attitude of assumption about your marriage being perfectly fine in your eyes. The reason I had asked because that freak out AAHHH in bold seemed a bit off the wall compared to your other posts........ lol
> 
> Now that you posted this... it makes a bit more sense...
> 
> (Edited for misspelling)


Perfect? i've moved out twice. My wife is codependent and insecure to the point it drives me nuts. i dont know why. Then i finally just realize she has been living in this paranoia in her head for the last twelve years trying to meet peoples standards she has in her head. Trying to be someone she isnt. Telling people what they want the hear. In the meantime she has been driving me nuts.
i wouldnt say it was perfect.
i would say we love eachother, are very committed, and we arent getting divorced. we are both apparently happy (least she says she is very happy) other than her on this insecure walking on eggshells whatever abandonment thing and me going nuts from her being clingy.
i would say we both have become stressed out and stressed eachother and ourselves out much more than we probably needed to.
ive wasted three days on this site thinking about it, so that must mean something. I dont see a divorce happening EVER but i obviously dropped the ball somewhere here if she has been thinking this way in her head all this time and i didnt notice. i would say i probably should have caught on sooner wouldnt you say?


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## Gaia

No.. not necessarily... don't sit there and beat yourself up for not catching it sooner. Many people don't.. and it's good your willing to work on it rather then divorce. Would she agree to go to both marriage counseling and individual for herself?


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## Maricha75

And, if she isn't willing to go to a regular marriage counselor, what about talking to a pastor? Bribrius, part of the issue she has been living with these feelings could PARTLY due to what you said in another thread regarding how you met and everything. Back then, she wanted you. Even when you told her the true circumstances, she came back. She wanted to be whatever she could to make you happy. Considering all of what you told us... I can see why she has been acting all these years. I'm not calling you a bad person, I'm just saying I can see why she would be this way now.


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## bribrius

Maricha75 said:


> And, if she isn't willing to go to a regular marriage counselor, what about talking to a pastor? she wouldnt go to marriage counseling before after the first session she wouldnt go back. she might be willing to go to a pastor.Bribrius, part of the issue she has been living with these feelings could PARTLY due to what you said in another thread regarding how you met and everything. Back then, she wanted you. true, my mother and father actually accused her of getting pregnant on purpose to hold on to me at the time which probably didnt help matters)Even when you told her the true circumstances, she came back. She wanted to be whatever she could to make you happy. thats the sad part, she has just been trying to make me happyConsidering all of what you told us... I can see why she has been acting all these years. me to. i have just been too dense to catch on.I'm not calling you a bad person, I'm just saying I can see why she would be this way now.


Really not much i can do, damage is done now i should have caught it sooner the writing was on the wall i just wasnt looking. She is talking now about it, that should help. Least i would think it would. i will see what she thinks about a pastor. im also going to pull her in closer rather than push her away. i think it is my turn to get clingy i want her close for a while so i can watch her and especially her and how the family is with her. Putting up some guard around her for a while to make sure she is okay. Realizing i was missing this seriously bothers me. i should have been watching out for her i dropped the ball.


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## bribrius

by the way. i think the pastor idea may not fly. i was raised by a pastor one of my parents is one. i have actually considered retiring as one when im done working, but i need to get my ideological beliefs in line before i make that kind of commitment to a denomination and for any congregations sake. As i was reminded by my mother the other day though "you know there is a real shortage of ministers right now."
Dont matter, im pulling wifey in for a while to MAKE SURE she is okay.


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## bkaydezz

she is strongly connected to you in every way possible. shes still so in love with you. if you are exhausted from work and think that you are getting to much love? i dont think its possible. so many people cry to have those very needs that you are tryinjg to reject. if it is you that needs you time, talk with her. but dont take the valuable time you have together that you could harnest something else great into and use it out of selfishness to take away from her. she is hot in the relationship and is really great at showing you in everyway she knows how too. you are so fortunate to have that. just be careful what you are wanting to push away because you are personally annoyed with things going on in your life outside of you marriage. you have to seperate them.


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## mykidsaremyworld

I have been doing the same things as your wife to my husband. I call him when he gets out of work, I meet him at the door, I want sex with him constantly, I feel like he isn't giving me enough attention, but reading your post is like reading it from my husbands point of view, and it makes me realize maybe he is just tired and he wants his space. I have been feeling really down about my husband pulling away from me. 

You should show this post to your wife in the most loving way possible, just tell her this is how you really feel and that you love her. Your post really made me realize after so long of me worrying about my husband and trying to care for him and keep his attention that maybe I lost myself in the process and that I depend on him too much for interaction. I stay at home with my babies too, and I depend on my husband for that adult time. 

The point is you should let her know that this is how your feeling. It really makes me want to strike out on my own a little and take some pressure off my husband, so I am sure it will help you and your wife too. If she gives you space though you should really try and do something special for her too, even something as simple as picking up flowers on the way home from work, or writing her a little note before you leave in the morning. That would be a great compromise.


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## bribrius

well here is what im doing so far, some of what you mentioned but i actually did it before i read it.

i have suggested she take a nap while i watch the kids. it worked and she looked like she needed sleep and wasnt feeling well.

i have suggested she go get her hair done or something. i think she is getting her nails done.

i have separated out a "mommy and daddy time" and a stricter bedtime for the kids so she knows she has some time when i get out of work and also before bed just for her (kids permitting).

i have stopped ignoring her texts, and premptively started sending her one telling her i loved her. her texting has slowed down some.

i have left a note telling her i loved her before i went to work in the a.m. (i leave before anyones awake).

i lowered the amount of hours im putting into work.

im preemptively asking her to come to me, instead of trying to get her to leave me alone. she seems much happier.

i told her im taking her birthday off from work for her, and taking a vacation next month to spend time with her. which i am.

i sent her out on errands while i watched the kids. Just told her i really wasnt up to going out and asked her to please go run errands. It also would give her a break from the children. she has. Course today she was asking me to go with her to spend time with me on the errands and i went so not sure what that says.

First thing i did when i got home today from work was ask her to lay on the couch with me for a few minutes. she seemed pretty excited it was my idea. Coursei almost fell to sleep laying there but it is the thought that counts.

i took her away for a overnight at our camp and stayed that following day. i hated driving back in the night but i still made it to work that morning so all is good.

i put pictures of her on my touch phone for a home page and showed it to her. So she knows im carrying around pictures of her too.

i called her on my lunch at work, BEFORE she managed to call me i beat her too it. 


im not pushing her away now. im pulling her in and giving her a little more affirmity.

we are talking more now, and im listening more. But one thing i said to her is that im not a really lovey kind of guy but she shouldnt worry if she looks at the big picture i do most of what i do for her. Also that i was always there for her and had been there for her and i wasnt planning on going anywhere. She seemed to think about that for a few minutes and commented that i had always been there and relaxed some. I had actually told her this before, but she seemed to let it sink i this time.

wait and see what happens. But she seems to be calming down so far. She did look up co dependent and dependency on her own i guess. she brought it up to me earlier today. she agrees she is. But doesnt really see anything wrong with it. She actually told me "codependent wives in marriages have a lessened chance of ending their marriage in divorce" so she thinks it is a good thing. Also she said she is dependent on me for EVERYTHING and starting naming things off, physical, emotional, financial, etc. but she just is and she hopes it doesnt bother me too much. It really doesnt i told her she is great like she is then i noticed she left me to myself for a while and she seemed to relax there too.

Bought more ink for the copier and our printer. she wants to print and learn about coupons or something to save money and print pictures and things for a family photo album or something. she had a few going but ran out of ink. i order enough ink to last her a year and bought her another printer so we have three printers and a year of ink. figure that should keep her busy for a while she loves family photos stuff and seems to really want to get into printing coupons for some reason.....


Told her we could find some time to take the boat out. Its just a little offshore one we run around nearby lakes on. We have a boat and canoe, neither have been in the water this year i havent had time to get to it. But she seems to want to take the boat out with me so i have it on my to do list.

Going back to the camp on her birthday, and with her monday, kids too. just taking a day with them. i dont get much sleep with the back and forth driving but they seem to like it up there. Probably be easier to just stay up there a few days but i cant go that far, i do have to work i cant skip out to much.

And met with the family with her for a little get together. i was sure to hold my wifes hand and give her plenty of kisses in front of my mother and sister so they realized she was doing fine, we were fine. Also talked to my mother separatley about litening up on the wife a little. Mother sounded off a little defensively but i basically just said my wife is doing fine, a little positive encouragement from her would be helpful because over the years she had given her a complex.

something the wife said odd today "Our family really depends on your work doesn it?"

im not sure if she was saying it just to remind herself of that or what. But perhaps a realization hit her that i wasnt out just trying to avoid her.

i basically just told her that yes, it does. And you never know what could happen. That eventually we will be a little more financially secure and it wont be as big a concern but right now i really need to still keep myself concentrating on work too for all our sakes.


----------



## bkaydezz

you both jsut seem to be very different and you are doing a great job at compromising and affirmity like you said. i think that you guys have a very promising relationship together!!!! its the little things we all want to take for granted. but i will say this, when me and my boyfriend sit on the couch together he usually falls asleep. i think its cute. it takes a few seconds most times, but hes a very hard working man and i understand that so you have to give the credit where credit is due. he told me that is something we both need to work on as far as understanding each others day. i am here most of the day with our daughter and he is at work and then igo to work. but it is true! im proud of you both. you are already succeeding in your path together!


----------



## *LittleDeer*

bribrius said:


> well here is what im doing so far, some of what you mentioned but i actually did it before i read it.
> 
> i have suggested she take a nap while i watch the kids. it worked and she looked like she needed sleep and wasnt feeling well.
> 
> i have suggested she go get her hair done or something. i think she is getting her nails done.
> 
> i have separated out a "mommy and daddy time" and a stricter bedtime for the kids so she knows she has some time when i get out of work and also before bed just for her (kids permitting).
> 
> i have stopped ignoring her texts, and premptively started sending her one telling her i loved her. her texting has slowed down some.
> 
> i have left a note telling her i loved her before i went to work in the a.m. (i leave before anyones awake).
> 
> i lowered the amount of hours im putting into work.
> 
> im preemptively asking her to come to me, instead of trying to get her to leave me alone. she seems much happier.
> 
> i told her im taking her birthday off from work for her, and taking a vacation next month to spend time with her. which i am.
> 
> i sent her out on errands while i watched the kids. Just told her i really wasnt up to going out and asked her to please go run errands. It also would give her a break from the children. she has. Course today she was asking me to go with her to spend time with me on the errands and i went so not sure what that says.
> 
> First thing i did when i got home today from work was ask her to lay on the couch with me for a few minutes. she seemed pretty excited it was my idea. Coursei almost fell to sleep laying there but it is the thought that counts.
> 
> i took her away for a overnight at our camp and stayed that following day. i hated driving back in the night but i still made it to work that morning so all is good.
> 
> i put pictures of her on my touch phone for a home page and showed it to her. So she knows im carrying around pictures of her too.
> 
> i called her on my lunch at work, BEFORE she managed to call me i beat her too it.
> 
> 
> im not pushing her away now. im pulling her in and giving her a little more affirmity.
> 
> we are talking more now, and im listening more. But one thing i said to her is that im not a really lovey kind of guy but she shouldnt worry if she looks at the big picture i do most of what i do for her. Also that i was always there for her and had been there for her and i wasnt planning on going anywhere. She seemed to think about that for a few minutes and commented that i had always been there and relaxed some. I had actually told her this before, but she seemed to let it sink i this time.
> 
> wait and see what happens. But she seems to be calming down so far. She did look up co dependent and dependency on her own i guess. she brought it up to me earlier today. she agrees she is. But doesnt really see anything wrong with it. She actually told me "codependent wives in marriages have a lessened chance of ending their marriage in divorce" so she thinks it is a good thing. Also she said she is dependent on me for EVERYTHING and starting naming things off, physical, emotional, financial, etc. but she just is and she hopes it doesnt bother me too much. It really doesnt i told her she is great like she is then i noticed she left me to myself for a while and she seemed to relax there too.
> 
> Bought more ink for the copier and our printer. she wants to print and learn about coupons or something to save money and print pictures and things for a family photo album or something. she had a few going but ran out of ink. i order enough ink to last her a year and bought her another printer so we have three printers and a year of ink. figure that should keep her busy for a while she loves family photos stuff and seems to really want to get into printing coupons for some reason.....
> 
> 
> Told her we could find some time to take the boat out. Its just a little offshore one we run around nearby lakes on. We have a boat and canoe, neither have been in the water this year i havent had time to get to it. But she seems to want to take the boat out with me so i have it on my to do list.
> 
> Going back to the camp on her birthday, and with her monday, kids too. just taking a day with them. i dont get much sleep with the back and forth driving but they seem to like it up there. Probably be easier to just stay up there a few days but i cant go that far, i do have to work i cant skip out to much.
> 
> And met with the family with her for a little get together. i was sure to hold my wifes hand and give her plenty of kisses in front of my mother and sister so they realized she was doing fine, we were fine. Also talked to my mother separatley about litening up on the wife a little. Mother sounded off a little defensively but i basically just said my wife is doing fine, a little positive encouragement from her would be helpful because over the years she had given her a complex.
> 
> something the wife said odd today "Our family really depends on your work doesn it?"
> 
> im not sure if she was saying it just to remind herself of that or what. But perhaps a realization hit her that i wasnt out just trying to avoid her.
> 
> i basically just told her that yes, it does. And you never know what could happen. That eventually we will be a little more financially secure and it wont be as big a concern but right now i really need to still keep myself concentrating on work too for all our sakes.


That is awesome.
I'm with your wife on the co dependency thing, I actually think we are supposed to be co dependent and when both parties treat each other well, it makes for a great marriage.


----------



## bribrius

bkaydezz said:


> you both jsut seem to be very different and you are doing a great job at compromising and affirmity like you said. i think that you guys have a very promising relationship together!!!! its the little things we all want to take for granted. but i will say this, when me and my boyfriend sit on the couch together he usually falls asleep. i think its cute. it takes a few seconds most times, but hes a very hard working man and i understand that so you have to give the credit where credit is due. he told me that is something we both need to work on as far as understanding each others day. i am here most of the day with our daughter and he is at work and then igo to work. but it is true! im proud of you both. you are already succeeding in your path together!


im just going to pull her in for a while. Try to make her a little more at ease. See if it works.
we are both very conservative religous. we arent that different in that sense. But im very work/business goal oriented with the upbringing that im suppose to support the family and make sure everyone has what they need and is okay.

she is more the caring, lovy, just wants to be a wife/mom and a entire different outlook on pretty much everything. she sees the happy bright side of life and the love. im on the other side of life in many ways in more of a drudgery, responsible, worried side. She is into butterflys, im more around snakes. She sees the positive in everything and everybody and the beauty. i see the risks and liability and work involved or usefulness of something.
we have always been this way. In a odd way, we balance. she used to actually lighten up my mood until she became a little overzealous with the neediness. some of the things i liked about her is she was devoted totally to me, loved me and would brighten up my day.

but now that i know that she hasnt been okay, she is obviously coming to the forefront on where my efforts are going to be going. And in the process maybe she might see that and calm down some on the insecurity, maybe.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

bribrius said:


> but she shouldnt worry if she looks at the big picture i do most of what i do for her.


too bad some dont look at the big picture. :/


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## missymrs80

I bet she senses you pulling away a bit. There is also a dominant persuer if you will in a marriage. The more you want space the closer she wants to be the closer she wants to be the more you want space. I would guess (I could be wrong) her fear is abandonment and yours is being smothered....these fears stem from our primary caregivers. For example, a child of controlling or anxious type of caregivers usually ends up as the distancer and a child of caregivers who were away or unavailable for whatever reason typically end up as the pursuer type. Complimentary traits....you wouldn't be married if you didn't have them. Unless your marriage was arranged that is.


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## RandomDude

AHA!!!! Bribrius!!!
WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!!
Oh wait, banned? =/

Ne ways, the board has already given good advice already, but here's some of my input considering I've gone through (and still going through) the same thing; sometimes you just have to...

Get used to it!

It will get better with more communication, more independence for your wife, and more reassurances to help deal with her deep insecurities. However, the drive will persist. I've tried to stop it, but I've given up nowadays and now just learnt to enjoy the ride (within reason - my wife and I have a good understanding now, most of the time)


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