# Bawled in front of stbxh need advice please



## team12 (Apr 16, 2011)

We have lived separately since April. He was on his lunch break, picking up a chair I asked him to get. I bawled about how hard this is and told him how I was trying to move on and I want him to be happy. I told him how I wasn't sure if I should just pretend he doesn't exist or try and be friends. The problem with being friends is it gives me hope that we can fix things. The problem with no contact is it hurts my heart in a way that is indescribable. I took all the pictures down in my house. Mostly they were of him and his family (mine is crazy don't ask just trust me) and I took off my wedding ring which is now back on my finger. He said he loved me before he left. (although I know he has no interest in reconciling) He hugged me while I bawled and as I apologized repeatedly for bawling. I asked him what do we do? When do we take off our rings and get a divorce. Then I, yep you guessed it bawled at the thought of us divorcing and told him that's not what I want. He ssaid we'll figure something out. *Any ideas on what to do? Should we try and be friends or should I try and pretend he doesn't exist? *
_Thanks again for all the replies_
*Update* I received a text from stbhx saying he picked up the chair and sorry he ruined my life. How do I do I respond to that? I am trying no contact. Should I send a brief text saying "I'm okay."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You cannot be "friends" with someone you are still in love with so No Contact is your best option right now.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

team12: Aw I feel for you so much. It is so hard when you love someone so deeply and it is dissolving as if it has its own engine on go and you're saying no Stop.

My heart really goes out for you. I wish I could help you but I can't. All I can tell you I am in pain, my divorce is 4 days away and we live together until the house sells and then we have money and finally part physically.

These last few days have been terribly difficult. I go to meetings and therapy and I can't talk because I will start crying and I don't want anyone to see me or look at me. My pain is huge.

But we will get through this whatever you decide. But jelly is right NC is the way to go. Seeing the person is too miserable of the two options.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

The idea behind the No Contact rule is to have someone MISS you. If you're continually getting together, texting, talking on the phone ... how can they miss you?

If the separation was his idea, and remaining friends is his idea, then he has the upper hand in that he can talk to you and see you anytime he wants.

He can take his time and enjoy his FREEDOM without the worry of completely losing you. KNOWING that you'll be there IF and WHENEVER he decides to come back.

So let's assume that at some point he comes back, then what keeps him from leaving again? Will he be free to come and go as he wishes, while you go through the same heartaches that you're experiencing now? Who BENEFITS from that?

If you want to avoid this game, then you have to be strong. Tell him that you agree with the separation and that you now want some time to get yourself together. Six to eight weeks of NO contact should get him to thinking if you're indeed going on with your life without him. YOU MUST GET HIM TO THINK THAT THERE'S A POSSIBILITY THAT HE WILL LOSE YOU!

This will give you both time to do some soul searching and reflect on the problems at hand. Then if he wants to get together for lunch or something to discuss the problem and renew the relationship, then you can sit down have a civilized discussion and try to work things out.

Whatever, DON'T BE THAT PUPPET ON THE STRING ... it will continually hurt you until it reaches your breaking point. That is the point where you finally ask for that divorce you're trying so desperately to avoid.


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## team12 (Apr 16, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I am going to try no contact. Although after the scene I created today, he might stop by again after work to see how I'm doing. The chair wouldn't fit in his car so he said he'd come back and walk it to his house. I moved that close, one minute from his job and two from his house. I'll keep it brief if he does contact me. Sorry Sparkles. I know the pain is *huge*. I'm not much of a drinker but in four days if you want to have a virtual happy hour let me know. Like you said we will get through this. sigh eventually :0)


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

This is soooo hard, but there is no way around any of it. When you're walking through hell, you have to keep going. 

The only way to keep going at this point is to implement the No Contact rule. It's not a game or a ploy to try to get him back. Sure, sometimes it works, but that's not the point of it. The point is for you. And I know all too well that right now, the focus is not on you - it's all on him - what's he doing, what's he thinking, who is he with, why won't he come back, doesn't he know how much I love him???? I know that's how it goes.

At some point though, you will realize that no contact is for your own protection and your own healing. Your heart is broken right now - don't let him keep breaking it. That happens every time you see him or talk to him or hug him or do anything but send a very brief text about bank accounts or some other financial issue.

If he comes to pick up that chair, don't be there. Or, just go take a shower. Your heart can't take the contact and you shouldn't have to put yourself through that. Baby steps for yourself right now - he can't be part of the plan.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}}} 

I really do understand. I agree with everyone else; no contact is the best way to go. I have been separated for 3 1/2 years and in divorce proceedings for 2 1/2 years. I used to experience the same thing as you on a daily basis because the estranged husband and I had to work together. Even when I see the estranged husband now (for rare court appearances) I still end up bawling. Every time I see him all I see is what HE destroyed and the lives HE ruined. Time doesn't seem to solve the problem, but distance certainly does.

Hang in there!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

team12 said:


> We have lived separately since April. He was on his lunch break, picking up a chair I asked him to get. I bawled about how hard this is and told him how I was trying to move on and I want him to be happy. I told him how I wasn't sure if I should just pretend he doesn't exist or try and be friends. The problem with being friends is it gives me hope that we can fix things. The problem with no contact is it hurts my heart in a way that is indescribable. I took all the pictures down in my house. Mostly they were of him and his family (mine is crazy don't ask just trust me) and I took off my wedding ring which is now back on my finger. He said he loved me before he left. (although I know he has no interest in reconciling) He hugged me while I bawled and as I apologized repeatedly for bawling. I asked him what do we do? When do we take off our rings and get a divorce. Then I, yep you guessed it bawled at the thought of us divorcing and told him that's not what I want. He ssaid we'll figure something out. *Any ideas on what to do? Should we try and be friends or should I try and pretend he doesn't exist? *
> _Thanks again for all the replies_
> *Update* I received a text from stbhx saying he picked up the chair and sorry he ruined my life. How do I do I respond to that? I am trying no contact. Should I send a brief text saying "I'm okay."


Ugghhhh....this sounds EXACTLY like what my ex-husband said....almost identical !!!!!

I'm still (even after the divorce) through limbo with him and it's not fun, especially since I'm pregnant with our third child.....

My advice, after I did the "friend" thing....

180 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! and no (initiated) contact !!!!!!!!

Sorry, you're going through the same sh*t !!!!!!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Try the 180, it worked miracles for me. Not that my H missed me or realized he made a big mistake, but it showed me that I am sufficient and I will be fine without him. And when he apologizes tell him didn't he just changed it. he is trying to absolve himself of the act. Sorry the pain is so fresh and cuts like a knife, but it does get easier and soon you will be all better ) I will pray for you, and you pray for me.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

team12 said:


> *Any ideas on what to do? Should we try and be friends or should I try and pretend he doesn't exist? *



Do you have kids? My STBXW and I talked this weekend. We actually got along better than we have in a very long time. We discussed being friends since we do have kids and have a life-time connection regardless of our marital relationship. It is hard having contact so soon (1 week of separation). If you don't have kids, I would pretend he doesn't exist. At least for a set period time (a month or two?). Time to heal yourself. I was feeling much stronger after a week of practically no contact. A few phone calls regarding the kids only. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. It is a difficult walk, but there are many of us on the road with you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sparkles422 said:


> team12: Aw I feel for you so much. It is so hard when you love someone so deeply and it is dissolving as if it has its own engine on go and you're saying no Stop.
> 
> My heart really goes out for you. I wish I could help you but I can't. All I can tell you I am in pain, my divorce is 4 days away and we live together until the house sells and then we have money and finally part physically.
> 
> ...


Sparkles422, talk and cry. It needs to come out. There is release in tears, something inside of you comes out with them. And that something needs to come out, that's why you cry and why crying is a "release". It is the most natural thing in the world to do. Bottling it up does have consequences.


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