# Why do men have to spend all day with their friends?



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Sitting with a big glass of wine (dont usually drink the stuff)feeling sorry for myself

My husband has been away half of the week due to his work. He returned on Friday evening, so it was nice to have him back. He was only a way a few days but I get pretty lonely (no Kids yet). Friday night - he arranges to play golf with his friend on Saturday morning, thats fine. So on Saturday I saw him for a couple of hours then at 1pm he asks can he go out (now) with his mates for a few hours to watch sports, again no problem. Then a few hours pass I get a text from him saying he's staying out til late! This no longer feels fine

I felt I was being a good wife by letting him have time with his friends and yet again he took it to far and Im now sitting hear pissed off!
The thing that really gets me is if he came home when he said he was going to we wouldnt be doing anything anyway. Dinner and a dvd. Well we would be together (which is the important thing) but we didnt have any big plans. So why am I so pissed off!

About a year and half ago we went through a bad spell of him spending a lot of night with his friends. He would even cancel plans we had together. We talked and talked and talked but he didnt see the problem until one night he came home and I wasnt there! He got the message and his nights out with friends calmed down, which I told him I appreciated. Things got better but I still worry that it will start up again i.e the way today has gone is how it starts.

I dont feel I'm a mean wife, he does get to see his friends but he always asks me first (unless its his scheduled soccer nights), this is thoughtful but at the same time makes feel like I've chained him to the wall.

He is a really good person and admits he's a people pleaser but.........am I right to be annoyed or should I cut him some slack.
He is easily swayed by his friends but at the end of the day he makes the final choice. I take it personally and see it as him choosing them. Over the years things have kind of changed with his friends, a couple of them have now made a point off 'guys night only', another words they were sick of couples night. So its kind of put me off his friends.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Everything you just said here? Tell him. Seriously. If you wanted him to be home, you should have told him. If you want to spend time with him, you tell him. He can't read your mind. And he needs to stop trying to please everyone. I would be pissed off if my husband went out with friends longer than expected, knowing I just want to spend time with him! And him asking you if it is ok to go out with friends is totally acceptable. It's called being respectful of his spouse.

Seriously, tho...talk to the man and tell him how you feel.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you posted the answer to your problem already. Go out and do something! Anything! Go to the movies! But don't be there when he gets home. Don't be quite so accessible. Right now, he is putting more value on his "guy time" than his "marriage time." he can do this because he knows you are sitting there....waiting for him. So get out. Try to have some fun. It sounds like he woke up pretty quick when you did this before.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Everything you just said here? Tell him. Seriously. If you wanted him to be home, you should have told him. If you want to spend time with him, you tell him. He can't read your mind. And he needs to stop trying to please everyone. I would be pissed off if my husband went out with friends longer than expected, knowing I just want to spend time with him! And him asking you if it is ok to go out with friends is totally acceptable. It's called being respectful of his spouse.
> 
> Seriously, tho...talk to the man and tell him how you feel.


Hi Maricha75

Thanks for replying.

I agree that he cant read my mind but I want him to think 'I'll see my friends for a few hours and then go home' but no.........
I dont really want to give him a curfew....just want him to start thinking it for himself but if he's enjoying himself then why would he want to come home early! I must be such a drag. All his friends make fun of me and it hurts yet my husband thinks i can put a brave face on and invite his friends round to the house every now and then

PS: I'm nearly finished the bottle of wine now


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A couple should spend about 15 hours a week doing things together.. date like things.

It sounds like part of the problem is that there are no plans so he's just going with the flow.

Why not set up specific times that the two of you will spend together. One or two hours every evening after work. Then on weekends a date on both days... These dates can be simple things like going for a walk together; dinner, wine and a roll in the hay; for the two of you go out for dinner and dancing.

There are always fun things to do on weekends.. cheap things. This morning I went to the bank and there is a car show in the Hooter's parking lot right next to it. There will be a win festival in a month or so on the weekend.

Make dates/plans... then he and you can both do things seperately with your friends afterwards.

Also, why not have some get together's at your home. Invite his friends and their ladies over for a bbq, to watch a game, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> Hi Maricha75
> 
> Thanks for replying.
> 
> ...


What do his friends say in making fun of you? 

You should put on a brave face... and look them in the eye and dare them to make fun of you.. to your face. I've done this to people, it puts an end to that nonsense.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm a guy and I can't recall the last time I took off with friends for the day... I don't think I have but maybe a couple of times in the 15 years we've been married.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> I'm a guy and I can't recall the last time I took off with friends for the day... I don't think I have but maybe a couple of times in the 15 years we've been married.


Do you have kids? Sometimes I wonder if I should just let him have his lads nights out just now and then then lay down the law (fairly) once kids come along.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> Do you have kids? Sometimes I wonder if I should just let him have his lads nights out just now and then then lay down the law (fairly) once kids come along.


Trying to change things after you have a kid is a really bad idea. A new child is always a high stress. Then add to it you wanting him to change something you condoned in the past will not go over well.

There are things you can do not to get the time you need with him.. by planning ahead.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Trying to change things after you have a kid is a really bad idea. A new child is always a high stress. Then add to it you wanting him to change something you condoned in the past will not go over well.
> 
> There are things you can do not to get the time you need with him.. by planning ahead.


Just wondered if guys think going out all night is fine when you dont have kids then think diffenerently when you do do.......thats all
None of his friends have kids yet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

KI0159 said:


> Just wondered if guys think going out all night is fine when you dont have kids then think diffenerently when you do do.......thats all
> None of his friends have kids yet.


Totally disagree with this. Giving him years to set patterns and habits and then magically expecting kids to change all that is a recipe for even more resentment and frustration. Plus you'll be tired and cranky from dealing with the kids. 

Talk to him now. As in, tomorrow at the latest. Do it in a non-confrontational, non-whiny, non-clingy way. But that you missed spending time with him last week, and were looking forward to spending time with him yesterday. Hell, tell him you were stupid freaking horny and were looking forward to an afternoon/evening of wild monkey sex to reconnect with him. But if you don't tell him somehow that things are bothering you, he will assume everything is hunky-dory, and his behavior will continue.

In the meantime (and in the future), you can't depend on him to entertain you. Start getting hobbies and activities that will keep you from being bored. It's good for him to have to compete for YOUR attention as well.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

PBear said:


> Totally disagree with this. Giving him years to set patterns and habits and then magically expecting kids to change all that is a recipe for even more resentment and frustration. Plus you'll be tired and cranky from dealing with the kids.
> 
> Talk to him now. As in, tomorrow at the latest. Do it in a non-confrontational, non-whiny, non-clingy way. But that you missed spending time with him last week, and were looking forward to spending time with him yesterday. Hell, tell him you were stupid freaking horny and were looking forward to an afternoon/evening of wild monkey sex to reconnect with him. But if you don't tell him somehow that things are bothering you, he will assume everything is hunky-dory, and his behavior will continue.
> 
> ...


I agree I cant depend on him............I new what was going to happen tonight..........I spoke to all my friends to see if they fancied a girly night but they just happened to be busy, so just me and the internet tonight. I guess as long as he doesnt do all the time.
He has no will power but like I said if he's enjoying himself why woukd he come home to me! need to work on that monkey sex I think, lol
I appreciate your reply.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I'm now absolutely sloshed but my husband will never know as he's still not came home and I'm going to bed, he has now been gone for 9 hours which was originally meant to be 3 hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> Do you have kids? Sometimes I wonder if I should just let him have his lads nights out just now and then then lay down the law (fairly) once kids come along.


Yes I have 4 kids. I used to go out with the guys sometimes for long periods of time before my wife was pregnant with our first. Still even then it was just once in a while (maybe 1x/month).

Things change when you have kids.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Things change when you have kids.


I have heard this but although we do want to have a family I want this re-occuring problem to go away before we do so.

He said if he came home early his friends would have made fun of him or got annoyed. He said he didnt really enjoy his night because he new I wouldn't be pleased with his decision :scratchhead: So what was the f***ing point!

I told him if they were his friends they wouldn't give him a hard time about leaving.
It just gets me angry that he chose to please his friends (even though they probably didnt give a hoot) than me. 

I should have told him that I rather he came home early but instead I ruined both our nights. My problem is I dont want to tell him what he can and cant do but I want him to think for himself sensible decisions but it doesnt happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> I have heard this but although we do want to have a family I want this re-occuring problem to go away before we do so.
> 
> He said if he came home early his friends would have made fun of him or got annoyed. He said he didnt really enjoy his night because he new I wouldn't be pleased with his decision :scratchhead: So what was the f***ing point!
> 
> ...


Are you resistent to the idea of setting up dates with your husband? One benefit of this is he could then tell them that he WANTS to go because the two of you have plans. Now he's not leaving because you are upset but because he has something fun he wants to do with you.

Your husband has some growing up to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> Just wondered if guys think going out all night is fine when you dont have kids then think diffenerently when you do do.......thats all
> None of his friends have kids yet.


Some do, some don't.

When his friends have kids, more of them will drop out of the single-guy attitude. Yes your husband is acting like a single guy who has no responsibilities elsewhere.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Are you resistent to the idea of setting up dates with your husband? One benefit of this is he could then tell them that he WANTS to go because the two of you have plans. Now he's not leaving because you are upset but because he has something fun he wants to do with you.
> 
> Your husband has some growing up to do.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Fiture out what the two of you like to do in common, plan time together, and go have fun together. I also agree with others who have said that it's highly likely that his habits won't change that much once kids are part of the picture. The trick is to get into the habit of sharing time together and having some time with your separate circles of friends before you have children. Setting a pattern now of enjoying your time together might make it easier to deal with the demands of parenthood in the future. 

Of course, you have to make it plain to him that you really miss spending fun "couple" time with him, not because you resent his friends. The bigger thing is that he needs to set some boundaries with his friends and let them pout by themselves sometimes when he chooses to spend time with you. Right now, he's going along with the peer pressure and not giving enough priority to you nor the relationhip, which, if it continues, will lead to some really hard feelings, which are already there, if your post is any indication.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

why dont you to try to act like kids and have fun like kids would?

dress up, go to the movies, do random things, make noises, make out at the movie theater, speed in your car with the music up, go dancing, take dance lessons together, go for a late night dinner somewhere (on the beach or park idk) hang out at a park till you have to leave via police and park hours. Climb a fence and swim in a pool after hour's 


lol

But really i suggest the ^^^ to anyone who is older but feels they need some excitement. Sure some of what i listed is absurd for anyone in the thirties to be doing but i assure you thinking like a stupid teenager sometimes helps.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> I have heard this but although we do want to have a family I want this re-occuring problem to go away before we do so.
> 
> He said if he came home early his friends would have made fun of him or got annoyed. He said he didnt really enjoy his night because he new I wouldn't be pleased with his decision :scratchhead: So what was the f***ing point!
> 
> ...


He should ignore what his friends think a wife should ideally be with you for life. Friends are cool but many fall off as life goes on and you could argue their are only temporary interests with that said we all know its hard at times to disregard what our friends think especially in group settings. 

I cannot understand why he would care if they made fun of him his friends should not make fun of him although they are just joking. He should know they are joking and not care if they get mad and instead come home to see you cause he likes you and values your time and if you are concerned than it should be a issue of him to. Imagine if the situation was switched and he was at home jealous you are out with your girlfriends having so much fun acting single and he would want you to come and be there for him and his feelings (he would have them). Your Husband is acting like he is single. 

I suppose everyone treat's marriage different though


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Some of the things I read here truly baffle me.

My wife doesn't "let me" spend time with my friends. I likewise don't give her "permission" to hang out with hers. What a ludicrous concept that I can't even fathom. I have a lot of friends, and friendship is of extraordinary importance to both my wife and I. We adore our friends, and when one wants to hang out with them (alone), we don't consult with one another.

We're simply mindful to spend time together as well as time with friends. We don't have any children yet, so that particular complication hasn't come up yet. But we will never, ever be that couple who spends every waking hour together, or worse, who realizes that they've let their friendships die by the roadside simply because they got married. I've seen this happen in real life, and it amazes me, and frankly confuses me. One should never have to chose between friends and a spouse. It is more than possible to have both.

When it comes to the OP, she needs to stop treating her husband like he's Ms. Cleo, let him know her feelings, and take it from there. It's matter of prioritizing, but with some adjustments he should be able to spend time first and foremost with his wife, and then schedule his time with his boys.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> He said if he came home early his friends would have made fun of him or got annoyed. He said he didnt really enjoy his night because he new I wouldn't be pleased with his decision :scratchhead: So what was the f***ing point!


He should have the confidence to not let his friends kowtow him. 

He should be proud of the fact that he's got someone awesome at home to be with, not ashamed of it!


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

I realise friends are important and woul never want my husband to stop seeing them. What annoys me is my husband doesn't think about all the times that I say 'yes go out with your friends', he just thinks about the times I've gotten annoyed that he's went out, I only get mad when he's totally crossed he line.

It's like on Saturday, I had no problem with him going out with his friends for the few hours that he said but it's when he decided he would stay out an extra six hours, this didn't go down well. Do I really have to be mean to keep him keen!

I think he goes out and up ends thinking she'll get mad but she'll get over it. This is usually what happens. I dont want to be his mom and tell him no he can't go out but may be I'm gonna have too. I packed my bags once for a night and it did make a difference but I can't keep doing that. I see his friends as bullies now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just spent 15 hrs on a boat fishing with friends. It was great drank some beers vented about the silly stuff that the wives do that makes us crazy. and caught some big fish.

with that said everybody IMO needs some friend time without their spouce along.

has to be reasonable though ....can't go out every week and do it but everybody has to determine what reasonable for their relationship.

I think your shooting yourself in the foot by not going out with your friends (preferable when hes out with his.) but if not when time allowes. 

If you are the type of person who has not many true friends then I could see how you would feel lonley. but thats not his fault that you don't have friends. Do something that don't require friends and you might even make some on the way.


you could of texts him wow I drank a whole bottle of wine tonight wish you were here for some drunk kinky sex. guess I have to go solo tonight. luv ya have a good time.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

KI0159 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I realise friends are important and woul never want my husband to stop seeing them. What annoys me is my husband doesn't think about all the times that I say 'yes go out with your friends', he just thinks about the times I've gotten annoyed that he's went out, I only get mad when he's totally crossed he line.
> 
> ...


being mean to keep him keen? 

you need some friends of your own!!!!!!!!

when my wife had this attitude when we first married I finally said listen I have friennds and I'm going to go hunting fishing drinking what ever I want and if you don't like it theres the door.

now mind you I don't overdo it with the friends but when I want to go I go. and so dose she.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> being mean to keep him keen?
> 
> you need some friends of your own!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Wow! You're married?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I realise friends are important and woul never want my husband to stop seeing them. What annoys me is my husband doesn't think about all the times that I say 'yes go out with your friends', he just thinks about the times I've gotten annoyed that he's went out, I only get mad when he's totally crossed he line.
> 
> ...


My wife and I don't monitor how much time we spend with our respective friends. That never comes into play, so I can't really understand the need to define how long you're going out with friends.

Because the issue seems to be multi-fold. He's telling you he will be home around a certain time, and he continually breaks that promise. Why does he feel the need to lie? Would you be more comfortable if he was honest about the fact that his time with friends is more open ended?

Are you being totally honest about your discomfort with his continued lying?

You also seem to be put in the position of sitting at home, twiddling your thumbs. After we got married my wife relocated to a brand new city where I already had an established life. Initially the transition was rough because her entire social scene revolved around our couple time. Our relationship has never been based on the idea that we need to get permission from the other to hang out with friends, but she was beginning to get a little hurt and resentful that all my time wasn't honed in on her.

Instead of eliminating my friend time, I encouraged her constantly to get out in the city and make a new social life for herself. It took some time, but it's the best thing that she could have done. Once she began building her own social life, all the other issues died. We go out when we want, with whom we want, for however long we want, and it never encroaches on our couple time because there's no need to chose, especially when you don't have children yet. 

Maybe it's time for you to get out there as much as he does, or learn to be content with your alone time. I know that I cherish alone time, so if my wife is out with friends, or out of town to visit her best friends from back home, I'm not throwing myself out the window, or resenting her time away.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

jaquen said:


> You also seem to be put in the position of sitting at home, twiddling your thumbs.


I was that particular night. I thought I'll try and get some friends round and hopefully that way I wouldnt be annoyed at him but they all had plans that night. If I had an idea before hand that he was going to pull an all nighter i would've had time to make plans and get busy instead of thinking we were having a night in.



jaquen said:


> learn to be content with your alone time. I know that I cherish alone time


Alone time is fine but like I said that week he was away on business so I got plenty of it.

I guess what works for some does not for others.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm with Jaquen on this one. We don't own our spouses. Seems like he is staying past the time he'd told you he'd be home as an act of rebellion, he's clearly picked up that you don't welcome him spending time with his friends.

Try backing off a little bit.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

KI0159 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Wow! You're married?


LOL sometime I wish I wasn't!

But made it 18yrs together for 25yrs.

yep if she dosn't like it she knows where the door is. funny she hasn't elected to use it!


its all about what boundries you want to enforce.

if this is a deal breaker I'm sure you know where the door is also. and until he realises that he will keep you on the back burner.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I'm with Jaquen on this one. We don't own our spouses. Seems like he is staying past the time he'd told you he'd be home as an act of rebellion, he's clearly picked up that you don't welcome him spending time with his friends.
> 
> Try backing off a little bit.


I guess may be I dont know how to back off. He goes away weekends with his friends too, I always know in advance about them so they never seems to bother me. I do have friends and although they have no kids yet either they are always real busy, so don't get the chance to see them a lot.

I don't think he's rebelling, I don't think he even means to hurt me, it just seems to happen. One of his friends (engaged) seems to be wanting to go out constantly now when he never used to. Since he moved in with his fiancée he goes out a lot. One of the other guys just got divorced so he is single. If these guys told my husband to jump into a fire I think he would do it. Once upon a time these guys were doing things with their o/h's and nights out didn't happen as often and when they did the girls got to be involved too. Things seem to have changed over the past two years.

I love my husband. I have never met a more kind caring human being, sometimes i feel like i really dont deserve him but when he gets together with his friends they all just seem to forget about everybody else. We have been together 12 years, so will not give up on us but just need to learn to deal with things better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> but when he gets together with his friends they all just seem to forget about everybody else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's kinda the point though, right, of "boys night"? I know when I hang out with my boys, whether we're chilling together one on one, or in a group, my wife is not there. If I want a couples night, or a double date, then that's a totally separate issue. 

I totally get why you'd feel upset if he's not keeping his promises. He needs to stop lying to you about when he plans to return, because he's just building up your hopes and letting you down. Please, please ask him to stop the lying, and to be honest with you about how much time he truly wants to hang out with friends.

At the same time it really does come off like your husband just has more of a social life than you do. You say your friends are unavailable? Make new friends. Get out there, build a new social network. And if you do that perhaps you husband might even suddenly want to start spending more one on one time. Even in marriage, it's nice to play a little hard to get, to not be constantly available, to have a life outside your spouse.



KI0159 said:


> Once upon a time these guys were doing things with their o/h's and nights out didn't happen as often and when they did the girls got to be involved too. Things seem to have changed over the past two years.


A lot of men don't want their guys time constantly soured by the presence of women any more than women want men around every single time they want to just enjoy the company of their girls. I personally can't stand it when a woman think she needs to always be with her man, even when he's having dedicated tome with his friends.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Hi Jaquen

You've made some good points but I still think his friends are di**s

Yes he does have more of a social life than me, he's always been a very likeable guy to anyone he meets, I on the other have a face you want to punch


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> Hi Jaquen
> 
> You've made some good points but I still think his friends are di**s


Oh, I'm not speaking to the quality of his friends. Because if they are making fun of you, and you're not just overreacting, they do sound like some serious ass-holes. 

Why your husband allows them to poke fun at you is another topic all together. 



KI0159 said:


> I on the other have a face you want to punch


I highly doubt that.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"I on the other hand have a face you want to punch"

I wish you would not say things like that. Joking, ok, sure, but it also suggests some low self-esteem. You have a face he chose to marry, so what could be better, eh?


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

your hubs sounds like mine. give em an inch and they take MILES!!! 

my hubs has a friend routine.. they get together, eat and play cards every saturday. but if one of his friend's wives go out of town they all lose their minds! they must hang out every second while she's gone! last week he went out 4/7 nights.. and he stays out LATE. till like 12 or 1 am. 

i try not to let it bother me since i know who he's with and what they're doing. BUT... when it does get to me.. he has to take me for a nice dinner to wherever IIIIII choose. like it or not. 

and i'm good at keeping myself busy so it doesnt REALLY bother me. i'd say find more stuff to do. my dog does a great job of helping me feel less lonely. she's a great companion.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I wish you would not say things like that. Joking, ok, sure, but it also suggests some low self-esteem. You have a face he chose to marry, so what could be better, eh?


I was just joking but yeah I would agree to the low self esteem part, friends have taken me for a ride in the past which is probably why I hold back from the whole socialising scene.

Perhaps I'm slightly envious of my husband and his di**head friends He's definitley a much better person then me without a doubt.

I have my days where its like 'ok forget the past lets get on with life' and then before I know it's back to 'the whole world hates me' but i'm sure everybody has days like that.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

cory275 said:


> your hubs sounds like mine. give em an inch and they take MILES!!!


Yep thats familiar. The majority of the time I can deal with it and I start patting myself on the back thinking Im having a breakthrough and then one night he just goes that bit further and I snap.

I guess its just a hurdle we need to get over, It could be worse.

It always seems like a big deal when it happens and then a day or two later I mellow out and think what the hell was I going on about and then I start feeling a bit guilty. I think my husband is also wise to the way things go, so in in his head he's thinking 'she'll forgive me tomorrow', true.

Im a sucker for a nice guy


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

If I was in your shoes I would have been more upset that he made me waste a whole day waiting on him when I could have been out having my own fun. 

I agree with Elegirl on this one. If you guys sit down and plan ahead I think you could easily solve this problem. It sounds like to me that you are a homebody whereas he is more of a social creature. Compromise is one of the most important things in a marriage. So sit down and come to a compromise both of you can agree to. 

In my marriage I am the social creature where my husband is a homebody. Sometimes he will remind me that I'm out to much and he wants to spend more time with me. I listen (key word) to him and we make changes. That's how it's supposed to work. I may not be home as much as he wants me to be but we meet in the middle.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Well I was looking forward to our night in. I thoughts was compromising when I said he could go out but little did I know what I was saying yes to!

We tried the planning thing but it didn't go to well either so scrapped it.

He has just spent another overnight away with hs work and when he came back he has planned to go out. I feel defeated. He can go if he wants but yet he expects me to be happy about it. I miss him.

Love song - you are correct, im the homebody. This seems to have worked for us for 10 years but now it's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm confused. Are you telling him exactly how you feel? Are you telling him that you need him to compromise? Because the impression I'm getting is that he's going out, you're kinda sucking up how you really feel, or if you're expressing you're not telling him that this is important, and imperative, to you.

I know when my wife and I were in this territory she sat on it a long time, didn't express her deep need for more time, because she wanted me to WANT to be with her all the time. I think part of her upset at the time was that she craved being with me all the time, and she was feeling upset that I didn't crave the same thing.

Does part of you just wish your husband had the desire to spend as much one on one time with you as you do with him?


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Does part of you just wish your husband had the desire to spend as much one on one time with you as you do with him?


Very much.

Just as I was getting over thing he did the other day, he then struck me again with this.
I saw him yesterday morning befor his overnight trip for work, I was obviously expecting too much that he would want to spend time with me tonight when he got home I set myself up for a fall.

Im a bit worried that this is how its always going to be and I'm sitting here waiting for him to end his little phase and things will go back to normal when it might never happen.

Perhaps he's starting to take me for granted. One his friends sent him a text ages ago saying '.....but you see her everynight'! he must be listening to them. Or perhaps he is getting really fed up with me and he just doesnt know how to say it, may be he needs a proper break from me.


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## oakhillady (May 23, 2012)

Wow, I've found this conversation really interesting and helpful!

I have this kind of situation all the time with my boyfriend. We've been together 1.5 years, and have lived together for 6 months now. I realize that this is something that just sort of comes with having a man who has a lot of friends, and not having a lot yourself. I only have 1 really close friend, and the only other people I spend time with are family members - but the problem with spending time with family while he's out is they always ask where he is and what he's doing, which just bugs me more. I have guy friends, but my boyfriend obviously doesn't want me going out and partying with them (he has told me as much, and knows I wouldn't appreciate him partying with women without me, too). 

The difference for me, though, is that my boyfriend does NOT encourage me to go out and meet new people. He doesn't like the thought of me being out on the town, in the "dangerous world", and potentially running into flirty men while he's away. 

For KIO, I just recently let my boyfriend know that when he spends his time out with his friends, leaving me alone, I feel like I've been abandoned, and that I can either tell him how I feel or I'll have to leave. Since then, he has been a little bit better about his nights out. Just the other day, he invited me to barbecue WITH him and his friends, because now he knows that if he doesn't want to spend time with me, someone else will or I won't be around when he finally decides to spend the time. So, I recommend telling your husband about it. Tell him that unless he expects you to become as unreliable or to go out on the town yourself, he has to make that time for you. I hope you keep us posted, I'm interested in learning the outcome...this is part of why I'm hoping my boyfriend won't propose too soon!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KI0159 said:


> we wouldnt be doing anything anyway. Dinner and a dvd. Well we would be together (which is the important thing) but we didnt have any big plans.


Ok: You - hang out on the couch, silent, watch a movie

Friends - laughing, joking, probably drinking, bonding...

Do you see the difference? How can you make being with YOU more attractive than being with THEM?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You might get him the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. if he will read it. It's directly about men realizing that they owe a certain amount of their time to their wife and kids and that, once they ensure they do provide that time, then they can go out and also have fun with the boys. But the family has to come first.


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