# Looking for opinions/advice please



## Confusedwith3kids (Apr 23, 2014)

I just found this site today and I am hoping I can get some honest answers on what steps I should take... This may be a bit long but it has background as well. 

I have been with my now husband since July 2009, we met august 2007, I got pregnant August 2009 but decided to have an abortion as I lost my job shortly after we found out because I felt it was the right choice at the time( and it has effected me since). April 2010 we got married and pregnant again with our oldest child. Fast forward to February 2013 and we now have two kids and we had a huge heart to heart that caused a major upset. I had been cheating off and on since we got together almost(with one person with whom I had a relationship prior to my husband). Well my husband did know about the history with the said ex and decided that he wanted to work this out so we went to counseling before deciding to move out of state away from all our friends and family. With the counseling it was brought up that I am an open spirit(flower child) and he is more of a conservative type. Honestly I don't deny that because I believe in polyamory and that we can love more than one person. Which was part of my actions...

Well now here we are coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary and pregnant with our third child, I have been fully committed to him since coming out with my actions. Now I am second guessing if staying was really the right thing to do. He is amazing to our children, he is an amazing husband even after my actions, he even supports me being a stay at home mom still. He has no intentions of cheating though he has talked to me about getting a girlfriend(which I am ok with seeing my beliefs) but he has not really done anything to go out and date or anything of that sort. I love him but I don't really know if I am in love with him. I feel like we rushed everything and I missed out on life. I never finished college. When I moved out of my parents it was basically to go love with him. He was my first serious relationship. I have never just spent time alone as an adult, no kids, no relationship, my own place with maybe a roommate. 

We have talked about what we would do if we divorced ( we own no property but if we did we would leave it to the kids and most likely he would leave while I stay with the kids until they were adults and I would get my own place leaving the house to them) and we are agreeable on the kids and property and all that. However it is the matter of he doesn't want to go to counseling anymore and I couldn't hide it if I went since I couldn't handle his questioning me on it. When it comes to us, he doesn't want to try separation to see if it is the right choice. He is basically all in on marriage or divorce, no in between. So I am trying to figure out my emotions and I don't want to hurt him by bringing it up because I did that enough after we moved and he would get so upset and I don't like that I do care but I just don't know what I direction I would take. I don't want to regret leaving but the same time I don't want to regret not having the chance to live single and actually have a chance to date and enjoy life. 

Sorry it is so long and thank you!

Edit: just wanted to add, in the past year he does check up on me, house phone/cell phone bills, facebook/email and even randomly goes through my phone to see what I am up to and questions numbers that are in my logs that are not in my phone book. I have nothing to hide and don't blame him for keeping tabs. It isn't as often as when he first found out but still spur of the moment if he feels like it.


----------



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

You really shouldn't be married.

You can't have a successful relationship if one person is into loving other people. You need to find someone that follows your belief system and let him do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Confusedwith3kids said:


> I have never just spent time alone as an adult, no kids, no relationship, my own place with maybe a roommate.


You should have thought of that before you had 3 kids. Once you have them, you don't get to be selfish any more.

Well, you CAN, but you're pretty much guaranteed to screw up those kids for life.


----------



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

^ This.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

For the love of god stop having kids.

You two shouldn't be married.
Let him go so he can find someone who is in line with his beliefs and you can do the same.

If you really care for him you'll get paternity tests done on your kids as there is a possibility that one or more of them aren't his


----------



## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Confusedwith3kids said:


> I just found this site today and I am hoping I can get some honest answers on what steps I should take... This may be a bit long but it has background as well.
> 
> I have been with my now husband since July 2009, we met august 2007, I got pregnant August 2009 but decided to have an abortion as I lost my job shortly after we found out because I felt it was the right choice at the time( and it has effected me since). April 2010 we got married and pregnant again with our oldest child. Fast forward to February 2013 and we now have two kids and we had a huge heart to heart that caused a major upset. I had been cheating off and on since we got together almost(with one person with whom I had a relationship prior to my husband). Well my husband did know about the history with the said ex and decided that he wanted to work this out so we went to counseling before deciding to move out of state away from all our friends and family. With the counseling it was brought up that I am an open spirit(flower child) and he is more of a conservative type. Honestly I don't deny that because I believe in polyamory and that we can love more than one person. Which was part of my actions...
> 
> ...


Doesn't sound like you are confused at all. You are banging someone else, you want to continue to doing it, you aren't in love with your husband. So what are you waiting for? Divorce him already, don't just use him as your meal ticket.


----------



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

You probably should leave the kids with him as he sounds more stable.


----------

