# Can this marriage be saved after affairs and False R?



## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

I’ve tried writing my story here for the past year and every time I erase it. So here is my first post. I’m so messed up in the head and so confused that I need some serious help, advise, reassurance, motivation and honest feedback. 

Extremely long story short… Myself (31) and my Husband (30) are both have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have a 4 year old together and he has a 10 year old from a previous relationship that we get every weekend, summers and holidays. 

Throughout our whole relationship, it seems as if I was “pressuring” him to do right. We have separated numerous times due to his EA’s and finding texts/conversations to other women in his phone. I would “kick him out” and few weeks later he is back in the house and we are trying to work it out.

New Years was D-Day 1. Found it in his phone. If you go looking for something you will always find it…isn’t that what the saying is. Been nothing but the truth with me! He left his phone in the car and it took my hardest not to look but I did and saw that he was talking to another woman since July. He said the affair ended in Sept and that we were going through a rough patch that he didn’t know what to do. But it’s January and these messages are still in your phone. Last one was in Sept. Sloppy on his part. At this time we were living at his mother’s house. I left got my own apartment with my son. No contact for the first week, no apology, no remorse, nothing. Then here comes the apologies, the begging, the I miss you and want my family back and let’s date again and start over. A month later I’m at my uncle's funeral and just got all these feelings about missing my husband and wanting our family that I called him that evening to come home. 

After he came back home we decided to work on our marriage however looking at him and trying to put my guards down was the hardest part for me. I really did try but I couldn’t. I told him that it will take some time. We are in this for the long haul but right now I’m still hurt. Even though he was trying his best I was still bitter, cold, hurt and too devastated to let him in. I didn’t want him touching me, kissing me no sort of emotional or physical connection. I can tell that he was trying to change and do right but I just wasn’t there. My thing was I didn’t want him off the hook so easily so we became so distant. 

Last Thursday June 20th D-Day 2. It’s been 4 months since my husband has been back. The moment he came back he promised to be patient and understood why I should still be mad at him and why I felt the way I did. He said he will continue to love me and do whatever it takes to work on us and our marriage. I found in his phone… again… that he was still having an affair with the same woman, the week before they meet up and had sex. I kicked him out again and all he had to say was “I would rather be alone than to be with a wife who gives me the cold shoulder.” He said he tried and tried and was tired of me shutting him out. No remorse, no apology, he’s out the door leaving to his mom’s. 

Last night after close to a week we finally spoke. I initiated the contact. Aired out everything since the very first time we met. Who we talked to, how we felt etc. everything was out on the table. He said the other woman is nothing serious, just someone to boost his head and have sex with, nothing serious. He said he needed to feel loved and wanted. We talked for hours. It was kind of refreshing getting everything out in the open. Next thing you know we are at our home having sex. So didn’t see this coming. This was our first time in 2 months having sex. We had a great night that seemed as if I was doing something wrong. 

I’m so confused I don’t know what to do and how to work on my marriage. If he gets his own place and continue talking to the other woman what benefit does he have coming back home to his wife and family?? It seems like a no brainer but I’m not sure what he wants. If I take him back, once again so soon who knows how soon this will happen again. The table has turned and now I feel I am the one fighting for the marriage again like always. There has not been a point where both of us has put in 100% at the same time!

I own up to my part of if I took him back in I should have tried harder to meet his emotional and physical need. I was just too hurt to do and really thought we had TIME to work on us. 4 months back after saying everything I want to hear about working on us we are back at square one. 

He did say he is not ready to divorce but maybe some time apart to figure things out. Him and my step son are supposed to come over for dinner tonight. I told him my house is an open door whenever he is ready. Was that bad to say???

What do I do from here? I want my husband, my marriage but I do not want to lose my self-respect in doing so. I don’t know if a part of me is feeling so rejected that I just absolutely want him back. I know time heals everything but I want to make the most of this time to work on us, if from a distance or if this looks like something that has no future.

Any advice, comments anything I am all ear!! 

Thanks for reading and thank you in advance!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. YOU are not the cause for the "Affair" that is all on him.
2. You and him have responsibility for the marriage 50/50.
3. He previously stated he would do anything to make the marriage work, YET, he was still in contact with the OW????? What about this makes my head spin. The term "Cake Eater" comes to mind.
4. Unless he has NC with the other woman you are fighting a losing battle and you need to understand this.
5. Is your husband really willing to do the "Heavy Lifting" necessary to make the marriage work? Saying he wants to an actually doing are two different things and he in the past was not willing to put in the effort.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you R, you must have the right to check his phone on demand, computer, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

He is lying and guilt tripping you. He repeatedly says hes getting back with you, but remains in constant contact with the other woman. 

Therefore the marriage has no chance in hell at being repaired if he remains in contact. 

He supposed to be doing everything to make it up to you, no matter how long it takes. Its not about him. After his cheating hes supposed to bear it, not b**** about his own crap. 

OW is not so light as he is saying. If she was he would've dumped and washed his hands of her long ago. The fact that he keeps coming back, well never really left is a huge indication of how much he values her.

Also OW needs to be exposed. Does she have a boyfriend or a husband? Find out and if so expose her ass. That can help end the affair cold if she has to drop your husband to deal with her spouse. 

Also don't let him leave. 

A marriage isn't a vacation. Either he is in or out. If he 'wants some time' then he can file divorce because for most cheaters, "I need some time to myself" equals "I want a free pass to have sex with someone else yet stay married"

You have to understand, the ideal scenario for your husband is having both you and OW. "You for the child and home life, and OW for the quick bangs anytime he needs them. This is called CAKE EATING and it is most cheaters natural inclinations, even after being discovered. 

You need to put an end to that pronto. 

Either you or her, he needs to choose. And if he doesn't then you choose for him and file. 

Don't be afraid of filing divorce. Its a very long process that can be stopped at anytime, even seconds before the judge pounds his gavel for the last time. If you truly want to let him know how serious you are, there is nothing better than him being served with divorce papers.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks rrrbbbttt for responding!

I am not the cause of the affair...you're right about that. He did this all on his own and decided to go back and do it a 2nd, 3rd 4th time...who knows. 

It's never been 50/50 and I honestly dont know if I'm just dealing with a lazy lover who doesnt want to put in the work or heavy lifting or just point blank does not want this.

Still in contact with the other woman blew my mind..BIG TIME CAKE EATER! I feel like I make things to easy for him smh.

He worries me because deep down he's the type of person that doesnt deal well with problems. I just dont know where his head it at...with the marriage or seeing things are better elsewhere.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm sorry, but no, this isn't going to work out. There isn't a shred of remorse in there. He will continue to do this over and over quite simply because he feels he's entitled to whatever delusional expectation he has that you should have been providing him (regardless of whether he deserves it or not). 

Until you see actual remorse you will never be a true consideration. You aren't even seeing regret.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Absolutely no remorse what so ever. He has a ****iness about him last night since the table has turned. He told me that he wasn’t sad or depressed but just been going to work and then home and not dealing with stress, he said he liked it. 

He is definitely putting the guilt trip on me. Why do I fall for this sh*t time and time again? It’s like he is not threatened by me or fear of losing me. I know I’ve seen things around here for the man to Man Up…what’s the women’s part??? 

I don’t wanna go through this 5 years from now, back and forth. I really have thought about filing as a wake up call so I will definitely look into that. I mean you can’t have me and your OW and “have time to think” to have sex with other ppl. 

Yea I’m making this too easy for him! I want him to feel my pain!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Your husband seems to be well versed in speaking as if he is remorseful. Many cheaters are. But as a BS, you shouldn't rely on his words, only his actions.

If he was truly remorseful, he would have ended all contact with her and jumped at the prospect of getting another chance. I don't think he believes you will actually leave him. He must believe it, and you must know it.

Some posters will tell you to leave him and don't look back. I can't argue with that. But if you still want to R with this man, that's you're call. If you do, there is a way to approach it that gives you the best chance to judge his remorse. And again, you judge that remorse by his actions - not his words.

Your mindset should be that you are heading straight to divorce. Talk to a lawyer, get your finances in order, stay separated from him for at least a few weeks, and do the 180 (find the link here). This will help you to detach.

Stay on track with the divorce and see what he does. If he's not begging you back and promising he will do anything to save his marriage, then D is your best option - because you know he is not remorseful. There is almost no chance for R if he's not, and he'll likely cheat on you again. Make him understand that he's probably going to lose his wife because he cheated. 

After you've given him a few weeks alone to think about that proposition, and if you still want to R, check back with us. Most of us know what a remorseful spouse looks like. We'll help you with that; along with a laundry list of must do's for him and you going forward.

Just understand two things. He MUST receive and accept meaningful consequences for what's he done; and - you have to be willing to end your marriage to have a chance to save it.

Sorry you're here, but you've picked the right forum. Most of us have been through what you're going through now.

Keep posting.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Divorce him. You deserve better. If the divorce shocks him enough he may change, and you can always get back together with him in the future. For now he is unrepentant and has no motivation to change. He displays none of the behaviors of someone who truly wants to reconcile and who is committed to monogamy.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Yall are so right…he is not showing any remorse!! That’s what I was afraid of…him checking all the way out and not even giving a rats a** about it! He said he tried and tried within those 4 months but “has needs too!” like really?! You begged to come home and you just over it that quick!

As I’m writing I’m getting so disgusted in myself for being so naïve and gullible to everything he says. 

I honestly do not see a change in him. His loss…!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

I already know what he is going to say when I tell him it's me or her...He will say it's not about her and that we are just always fighting!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

In regards to whether are not to let him stay in the same house with you; I understand there are differing opinions on that. It is true, that away from you, he has more opportunity to continue the A.

But as I see it, that's secondary in importance now. It's harder for him to feel the full sting of consequences if he's still living with you. If he will leave, let him.

And if you want to put a crimp on his A, and you should, expose him. To your family, to his family and most importantly, to the OW's significant other. You need to pull out all the stops to find out that information. Then post her on cheaterville.com and send the link to her Facebook friends. Time to go Medieval on her a$$.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sounds like time for the 180 on your part. You've gone dark on him before, and he comes back. now go dark on him and STAY that way. Go ahead and file. Drop it like a bomb. He needs to be blasted out of this fog; it's tearing you apart. You can't live like that, can you? Who would want to?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

He sounds very narcisisstic and unrepentant. This is NOT what marriage is all about. If he can't learn that, you need to show him that your half of the marriage and your personal worth to YOURSELF is something he has to consider every single day. Boundaries that cannot be crossed. He's done plenty of that already, it sounds like.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> I already know what he is going to say when I tell him it's me or her...He will say it's not about her and that we are just always fighting!


The time for engaging him about this is over for now. You need to go dark on him. Don't communicate with him at all unless it's absolutely necessary. But if you have to, do your best to be calm and unemotional. Indifference is what you're looking to portray, even though you don't feel it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Do you have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror

You obviously have no self respect, nor self esteem----and you are willing to take sloppy 2nds---are you not good enuff, to go out and find a respectable, decent, loving, good kind man----do you enjoy getting run over by this POS, you are married to

DID YOU KNOW, THERE ARE REALLY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE---DID YOU KNOW THAT---ITS A FACT

You knew going in he was immature, he got married when he was right around 20, and couldn't make that relationship work---

You take him on, and have been trampled by him ever since

---throw him and his OUT--File for D, and move on with your life---that's what you should do,---but what do you do---YOU INIATE CONTACT, to get him to come back---so you basically are begging him---then when he wants sex you give it to him---following all the other women he has sex with, otherwise known as sloppy 2nds---do you enjoy being part of the harem----and you are confused?????

You know what, you are just plain scared to stand up on your own TWO F'ing FEET, and move on with your life

What is it that you do not see, in that this guy is a loser, he is also a guy that thinks his sh*t smells sweet, and you bow down to him

Its your life----and you know something---you only get one chance at life on this planet---and right now you are wasting each and every precious days, with a POS, for a H., and miserable existence for a life

ENJOY YOURSELF


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thank you all for the comments! I feared this is what would be said but just hearing different ppl that don’t know me say the same thing is real eye opener and pretty simple. The actions he is showing is that he doesn’t care and he will do it over and over if I allow him too. This is tearing me apart and I definitely need my sanity!!

This isn’t fair and I know I deserve to be happy! Going dark and filing will be the only way he will feel my wrath!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

JNJ-Keeping it real, appreciate that.

Self-esteem is pretty low. Self-respect needs to be a whole lot better but believe me it’s not all gone! I know for a fact that I am better than sloppy 2nds! 

Yea, trampled on, lied too, cheated on, all that…putting faith and love in husband and this to all happen is somewhat scary! But sh*t happens and it’s what I do next that really matters. I don’t want to be treated like this…I know I deserve better and can do better!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> Thank you all for the comments! I feared this is what would be said but just hearing different ppl that don’t know me say the same thing is real eye opener and pretty simple. The actions he is showing is that he doesn’t care and he will do it over and over if I allow him too. This is tearing me apart and I definitely need my sanity!!
> 
> This isn’t fair and I know I deserve to be happy! Going dark and filing will be the only way he will feel my wrath!


Good for you. 

I don't know if your husband will come around because of this, but this will give you the best chance for it. And if he doesn't, you can move forward, knowing that you "tested" his remorse and he was found wanting - when he had one last chance.

Stand your ground, keep posting and good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why do you care whether he feels your wrath---this IS NOT ABOUT HIM

What is it, that you do not understand---THIS IS ABOUT YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR FUTURE

Who gives a rat's a*s, about him---you know what he is, forget him---DELETE HIM.

File your D, and then go dark on him---enuff, is enuff, and let him know it-----and for goodness sake---DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE HIMSELF BACK INTO YOUR LIFE

There really are good, wonderful men out there, who really would love to find a good wonderful woman to spend the rest of their life with


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> Going dark and filing will be the only way he will feel my wrath!


One other thing mhw, rather than him feeling your wrath, you want him to feel his loss. If he eventually does, then you can "decide" whether to try R. There's a real possibility that in a few weeks, you may not want to.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> Last Thursday June 20th D-Day 2. It’s been 4 months since my husband has been back. The moment he came back he promised to be patient and understood why I should still be mad at him and why I felt the way I did. He said he will continue to love me and do whatever it takes to work on us and our marriage. I found in his phone… again… that he was still having an affair with the same woman, the week before they meet up and had sex. I kicked him out again and all he had to say was “I would rather be alone than to be with a wife who gives me the cold shoulder.” He said he tried and tried and was tired of me shutting him out. No remorse, no apology, he’s out the door leaving to his mom’s.


This is what you will get once and again for the rest of your marriage.
I'm sorry he won't change, ever. He will never sacrifice this "need" for you, for anyone, he won't behave withing the normal boundaires a married man should. He won't.
There's people who is not wired to monogamus relationship.
He's the type. He's telling you with all this blamshifting crap he won't stop, it's a promise. You are in the BS's fog, threfore still unable to decode his words, but he's telling you what yto expect from now on.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

When I say feel my wrath I want him to feel pain like I am but you’re right…who cares how he feels! (that’s the point I am trying to get to!) 

BM-you’re dead on when you say he should be feeling his loss!!! He will regret all of this and it will be too late! You can’t be walking around like everything is all good and no fear of losing your wife! But then again who cares how you feel! 

Reading on 180 now! I know there are good men out there! And why on earth do I chose to waste my time on this guy…smh! 

It’ll get better!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw have you checked to see if the OW is cheating too? If so find the poor guy and let him know about the affair!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Yeah the OW does have someone per the messages I read smh. I have no way of getting OW info to expose. 

He is telling me loud and clear what to expect in a future with him! I really am tired of the BS with him. This is a vicious cycle!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When your husband starts begging again ask him for her information. Name, address, phone nuber etc. Then don't tell him and expose her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Do not do a 180 on him---GO DARK ON HIM

Make sure he pays half of all the marital bills, takes care of normal family responsibilities---AND HAVE NO OTHER CONTACT WITH HIM

If you can do not let him live with you---even tho by law, he does have the right to stay in the same house as you---but under no circumstances---is he to be in the same bedroom as you---and stop sleeping with him----that is nothing but a show of weakness on your part


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is not nice. Get a nice one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Do not do a 180 on him---GO DARK ON HIM
> 
> Make sure he pays half of all the marital bills, takes care of normal family responsibilities---AND HAVE NO OTHER CONTACT WITH HIM
> 
> If you can do not let him live with you---even tho by law, he does have the right to stay in the same house as you---but under no circumstances---is he to be in the same bedroom as you---and stop sleeping with him----that is nothing but a show of weakness on your part


It’s just me and my son at my apartment. Last night should not have happened…vulnerable on my end…big mistake and I’m sure gave him some sort of power trip. 

Yea I have to go dark and do me…I do however work with him. I don’t see him every day but every morning I can hear him down the hall or we may run into each other in the breakroom. Just the thought of pulling up to work every morning means I could run into him and he sees me pulling up. Background on that, I was pregnant he lost his job. I worked in the office and a position came up in the warehouse to be a driver and I recommended him.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> He is not nice. Get a nice one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not nice a all!!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

I have a counseling session today…the job provided several sessions so I am looking forward to that. I have also contacted a few lawyers and have a consultation today with one! 

This weekend has was very eventful. Friday I dropped off my son with the rest of my husband’s stuff and my ring. While I was there he kept on asking me was I alright, is there anything I wanted to about. I said I was good and left. He texted me and said if you want to talk about anything to let him know. No response. Then another text saying, I see your ring is here does that mean you want a divorce? No response back. 

Late that evening how crazy that I run into him at the same restaurant with his ex, the mother of his first child, her friends and his best friend! Like really?!! I walked over to the table and asked where he was coming from and asked if we could go outside and talk…his reply…my food just came out. Really??!!! Jerk!!! I didn’t cause a scene just walked out knowing that this is not what I want…

Sunday told my H I was picking up my son. He then texted me and said my son had left some clothes over his ex’s house. At this point I am just smh! After I picked up my son he texted me saying “no I am not back with her and no we are not f*cking like that. Son grandma was in town so he dropped them off.” I didn’t even text back.

I know I deserve waaaay better than this! I don’t want to deal with ex, OW, none of this BS! So ready for to get this ball to D rolling! I cannot and will not take any more disrespect!


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Now you are in the right place. See 180 and move on remember the 180 is to help you heal. This man is scum.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are taking the right step forward. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> I walked over to the table and asked where he was coming from and asked if we could go outside and talk…his reply…my food just came out. Really??!!! Jerk!!! I didn’t cause a scene just walked out knowing that this is not what I want…


Nice of him to provide you with a decision affirming moment. He's done you a favor. 

Keep up the 180 and keep moving toward D.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Right on...D it is!


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

I feel for you! I can say, after talking to an attorney today, and making the decision to fill out the paperwork and get the ball rolling provides a weird sense of relief. I know that just having a plan feels better than hanging in limbo! Keep your momentum going forward. If you feel tempted or lonely, hop on here---someone is always on, I think! And there are pages upon pages to read---and seeing the same pattern over and over for those WS who are cake eaters---eventually you come out of the fog and see that yours is no different!!! Every horrible thing that you read about happening to a BS, it can happen to you!!! So don't break down. Stay dark, indifferent, and calm. If you feel otherwise, talk it out here or in a journal or with a friend. Never ever show any signs of relenting until his actions match his words---if then! You can do this. 

Another thing---finding your pride and self worth again is hard--- I am aware if that all too well. Just remember that you are a princess, a priceless jewel, and anyone who treats you otherwise has the problem, not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

myhusbandswife said:


> I’ve tried writing my story here for the past year and every time I erase it. So here is my first post. I’m so messed up in the head and so confused that I need some serious help, advise, reassurance, motivation and honest feedback.
> 
> Extremely long story short… Myself (31) and my Husband (30) are both have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have a 4 year old together and he has a 10 year old from a previous relationship that we get every weekend, summers and holidays.
> 
> ...


*WHY IN HELL DO YOU KEEP TAKING THIS POS "MAN" BACK?*

Believe me, I was married to a guy just like your husband, they are serial cheaters they will NEVER change. This behavior is part of his character (or lack of) makeup. He is treating like plan B and you are allowing him to. 

Why would you even want a cheating lying worthless excuse for a husband back? Why would you want to stay in this marriage and put up with this until you die. You only get ONE chance at life, and its way too short to sell your soul to a creep like this.

Please.... grow a spine and some self worth and divorce him asap. And don't look back. Get out before you hate yourself for being such a doormat.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Do you have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror
> 
> You obviously have no self respect, nor self esteem----and you are willing to take sloppy 2nds---are you not good enuff, to go out and find a respectable, decent, loving, good kind man----do you enjoy getting run over by this POS, you are married to
> 
> ...


ABSOLUTELY AGREE :iagree:


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

myhusbandswife said:


> He did say he is not ready to divorce


Of course he's not "ready to divorce". He has the best of all worlds - skanks to bang and chat up and a fool, desperate doormat of a wife waiting and begging for him. And he doesn't have to pay you child support and alimony while you put up with his crap... wow what a life he has!!

Please get out now and don't look back.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Betrayedred said:


> I feel for you! I can say, after talking to an attorney today, and making the decision to fill out the paperwork and get the ball rolling provides a weird sense of relief. I know that just having a plan feels better than hanging in limbo! Keep your momentum going forward. *If you feel tempted or lonely, hop on here---someone is always on, I think! And there are pages upon pages to read---and seeing the same pattern over and over for those WS who are cake eaters---eventually you come out of the fog and see that yours is no different!!! Every horrible thing that you read about happening to a BS, it can happen to you!!!* So don't break down. Stay dark, indifferent, and calm. If you feel otherwise, talk it out here or in a journal or with a friend. Never ever show any signs of relenting until his actions match his words---if then! You can do this.
> 
> Another thing---finding your pride and self worth again is hard--- I am aware if that all too well. Just remember that you are a princess, a priceless jewel, and anyone who treats you otherwise has the problem, not you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You said it. There is a BH, LostLove  who has been hoping for reconciliation with his WW for half a year. She left him for POSOM1, a dope smoking carpenter who plays the guitar. After that there were three or 4 other OM. Even his MIL is desperate for her daughter to stop believing she can sext her way to a better man.

The parents-in-law have convinced their daughter to spend a week with LostLove on the ocean with their two young daughters in the hopes that they will "reconnect". LL's wife says she will try... she is open to "reconnection". But how can a WS will not break off contact with all the those men suddenly fall back in love her husband.

If man or woman is a serial cheater, what do their words mean? They can promise but they like strange too much.

Divorce is one clear message that they cannot ignore.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback you guys…

I know and hear what everyone is saying. There really is no positive future with this really POS H of mine! My story is probably no different than everything you all have seen on here. I don’t know why I thought that maybe he is just going through something, stress at home/work and he will realize what he is missing…wrong! Cake eating at the finest and I have made it too damn easy!

As I read this post over and over it’s all so clear on how this is a pattern of his, a person that will never change and have remorse for his actions. 

I’m doing everything I can to work on improving my self-esteem. This whole back and forth situation has taken a serious blow to my self-esteem. Some days are better than others but mornings are the hardest. Just to think how he didn’t acknowledge me when I saw him, total disrespect. I know I am a good catch and a good person that just ended up marrying the wrong damn person! 

Looking forward to my consultation today with lawyer.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> Extremely long story short… Myself (31) and my Husband (30) are both have been together for 5 years and married for 3. We have a 4 year old together and he has a 10 year old from a previous relationship that we get every weekend, summers and holidays.
> 
> Throughout our whole relationship, it seems as if I was “pressuring” him to do right. We have separated numerous times due to his EA’s and finding texts/conversations to other women in his phone. I would “kick him out” and few weeks later he is back in the house and we are trying to work it out.
> 
> ...


Ok, since you are all ears, then its time for some tough love.

Your husband is a selfish, serial cheating scum bag! He has 2 kids by two different women, is still cheating all the time you say. (Multiple EA's, probably PA's as well) and now he wants to leave behind yet another woman with HIS child to go be with yet another woman (victim), who he will probably knock up as well.

What the hell are you trying to save here ?? D his sorry a$$ ASAP, fight for full custody of your child, and move on and awway from this toxic person.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Get the divorce rolling and don't look back. You do not need to tolerate this horrible disrespectful behavior from him a minute longer. I'll tell you a story:

I have a friend. She is now 35, lives at home with her parents. She had this POS LOSER "boyfriend" for about 6 years. He moved in to her bedroom at her parents place. They got engaged - *he made her buy her own rings*. 

Then they were engaged for over 5 years. (big red flag)
Then one day he just up and left. She never confronted him.
For the past 4 years she still thought they were STILL "in a relationship"
Until she saw on facebook he was engaged.

The past 4 yrs she also continued to pay his car insurance and health insurance. 

This guy is a LOSER. 3 kids to 3 different women before he was 30. Doesn't own a single thing. Crappy on and off again job. Lives in a trailer. Has no assets, savings, pension, nothing. Just a string of women.

My friend has spent every dime she ever earned on him and his kids. She has WASTED her life away on a POS loser and now she is approaching the age where having children is getting harder and harder.

She still cries over him and talks about him constantly. She has latched onto his kids and treats them as her own.

PATHETIC. I am losing respect for her day by day. Its hard to watch a woman be such a groveling doormat.

Don't end up like her.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

How did your counseling session go and the appt with the attorney?


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> How did your counseling session go and the appt with the attorney?


Counseling session went well. Counselor basically said it, black and white, you do not need him, he will never change, continue to move forward in the divorce process. 

Meeting with lawyer today after work. I called one lawyer and it was $1500! After reading more online about Texas divorces since we do not have any property to split that this may be an simple filing divorce, just child support. He also has a car accident settlement coming in…not sure how much or when but I will see what my option are when I speak with the lawyer today.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

barbados said:


> Ok, since you are all ears, then its time for some tough love.
> 
> Your husband is a selfish, serial cheating scum bag! He has 2 kids by two different women, is still cheating all the time you say. (Multiple EA's, probably PA's as well) and now he wants to leave behind yet another woman with HIS child to go be with yet another woman (victim), who he will probably knock up as well.
> 
> What the hell are you trying to save here ?? D his sorry a$$ ASAP, fight for full custody of your child, and move on and awway from this toxic person.


Really…what am I trying to save???!!! He will never change and he really just walks around like he is a wonderful person doing the right thing for him! He is extremely selfish and I hate him so much for what he has done with no care in world! I will definitely bounce back from this! Smh! Please FOG be lifted from me!!!!!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> Get the divorce rolling and don't look back. You do not need to tolerate this horrible disrespectful behavior from him a minute longer. I'll tell you a story:
> 
> I have a friend. She is now 35, lives at home with her parents. She had this POS LOSER "boyfriend" for about 6 years. He moved in to her bedroom at her parents place. They got engaged - *he made her buy her own rings*.
> 
> ...



Wow….that story is not how I want to become!! I just turned 31 but I really cannot go through more years with him like this! And you said you are starting to lose respect for her day by day??? I do not want to be in that situation and tired of being a doormat to him!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's a serial cheater with a wife who keeps LETTING him. Why should he change?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> He's a serial cheater with a wife who keeps LETTING him. Why should he change?


:iagree:


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Damn...serial cheater that will never change! i'm just so furious right now! The truth hurts but I can only control one thing and that is myself! 

I dont want to continue being a doormat, I dont want this to be sooo easy for him to cheat and think he can always come back! I have to take a stand for myself! It will hurt but better now then later! Time will heal all!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Three things I've learned over the years: One, the faster and sooner you kick a cheater out, the better chance you have of getting them to stop for good - because you've taught them to respect you. And two, once you DO do that, you will feel SO empowered and respect yourself SO much more, that if you do decide to give him another chance, it will be from a position of power, not desperation. And three, if you DO kick him out, he would then have a REASON to change - to get to come back to his home, his wife, his family, his convenience. 

If you do decide to give him another chance (and I'm not recommending it), make him stay away for at least a year. Make him attend monthly MC with you and IC for him, to figure out why he 'has' to cheat or why he feels entitled to cheat. Make him give you 100% transparency for that year. Make him make amends. Make him RESPECT you. If you don't do this, and he won't go through it, he's just using you for convenience.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

myhusbandswife said:


> I already know what he is going to say when I tell him it's me or her...He will say it's not about her and that we are just always fighting!


I haven't yet gotten as far as saying to my husband that it is her or me. But he won't discuss anything about what he is doing or about her involvement etc ... he always stops the discussion short by saying he is sick of arguing/fighting, and that I am always the cause of stress in our marriage/life etc.

The good thing about the Coping with infidelity forum, and this particular thread, is that it isn't the BS that's causing the stress ... it is solely caused by the guilt of the WH. It is really helpful to know this. I sometimes feel as if I am going nuts trying to deal with his EA ... which is looking more like a PA as time goes on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I already know what he is going to say when I tell him it's me or her...He will say it's not about her and that we are just always fighting!


So what? 

This isn't about her per se - it's about how HE treats YOU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

disconnected said:


> I haven't yet gotten as far as saying to my husband that it is her or me. But he won't discuss anything about what he is doing or about her involvement etc ... he always stops the discussion short by saying he is sick of arguing/fighting, and that I am always the cause of stress in our marriage/life etc.


So I gather he has a habit of manipulating and guilting you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

disconnected said:


> I sometimes feel as if I am going nuts trying to deal with his EA ... which is looking more like a PA as time goes on.


 I guarantee you he is PA with SOMEone. I know many many men like this - they marry with the full expectation that they will get some on the side. It's just what they believe they are due. And no one in their life growing up ever taught them otherwise. In fact, they were probably cheered on for getting as much as they could. 

Anyway, what have you read about Affair Fog, Gaslighting, and Rewriting History? You need to read every article here you can find, so you will see the truth and get the nerve to do the right thing.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Before all this mess happened we had planned on taking the family to the lake, bbq, jet ski for today, 4th of July. 

It’s me and my son and I’m just trying to get motivated to go hang out today with friends and family. But what am I doing??? Feeling like a total mess! Grieving a loss of a POS H while he could care less. Why can’t I just get that “I don’t give a F” attitude!

I keep thinking of how my future will be with co-parenting with either his ex or some OW. 

I’m not weak and this isn’t about self-worth/esteem issues…I’m just truly hurt right now and writing here so I do not get tempted to call him and tell him how I really feel about him…POS, sorry a**hole!

Let him gooooo……


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

myhusbandswife said:


> But what am I doing??? Feeling like a total mess! Grieving a loss of a POS H while he could care less. Why can’t I just get that “I don’t give a F” attitude!


You will......when you are emotionally exhausted and just can't handle the roller coaster anymore. It took me 8 months of grieving the loss of a 22 year marriage. I finally realized I could do better. I deserve better. You do too. 


Phil Collins - I Don't Care Anymore - YouTube

"I Don't Care Anymore"

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey I'll do alright by myself
'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
D'you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more!

You know I don't care no more!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thank you Salt! My day with friends and family ended up being really good and much needed! So glad I didnt stay in the house and mope around! 

I do DESERVE BETTER!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mhw, once you are moved on and living your new life with GOOD people who care about you and support you, you're going to kick yourself for staying so long in such a destructive relationship, when there is so much BETTER out there. You only have one life; use it well.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks Turnera. All I can do is smh about him and move on. My life will go on!!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Just an update-

It’s been a month. H has picked up our son twice. Last weekend when he picked him up my 4 year old told me, Daddy and his ex were sleeping in the same bed!!! Really???! You have exposed my son to your selfish BS!! Supposedly they are “playing house” and acting like a little family going to football games together, out to eat etc. I told him he cannot pick up his son if he is taking him over there…we haven’t even sat and spoke to my son about anything…this is confusing to him. I’m pretty sure I came off as bitter but really this has nothing to do with me and my feelings because I’m done and don’t want him! They can have each other! 

I was looking into lawyers but right now I can’t afford one. I been seeing where you can do divorces yourself since we do not have any assets or property to split. Thinking about going through my company’s EAP lawyer referral program. I just know for a fact I need to get this going ASAP! 

Going to Vegas today with the girls (a trip we planned for me and H to celebrate his bday)! Definitely need this get away to take things off my mind! 

I just don’t get how someone can totally disrespect you like this with no care in the world! He acts as if he walked in on me cheating on him! I don’t get it…smh…I have my good days and then I have the days where I’m just trying to understand why…I know I need to stop doing that! Moving on!! Can’t wait to look back on this…


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

He literally just sent this...BS....

Despite everything we are going thru rt now i just want to apologize for any wrong doing any disrespect i have showed u any heart ache and pain I've caused u never deserved any of it ur a good woman and deserve better then what i have shown u. I just want to let u know i love u and always will and u will always have a special place in my heart no matter what the outcome is between us. U took me from nothing and made me into something and showed me a better life and i want to thank u for that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> He literally just sent this...BS....
> 
> Despite everything we are going thru rt now i just want to apologize for any wrong doing any disrespect i have showed u any heart ache and pain I've caused u never deserved any of it ur a good woman and deserve better then what i have shown u. I just want to let u know i love u and always will and u will always have a special place in my heart no matter what the outcome is between us. U took me from nothing and made me into something and showed me a better life and i want to thank u for that.


That was his attempt to assuage his own conscience. More for him than you I'm afraid. Just let that drivel fuel your resolve to move forward.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

You know what…when I first read it I called BS and a way to manipulate me…but you are so right, this was all for HIM to clear his conscience!!! Thanks BM.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> You know what…when I first read it I called BS and a way to manipulate me…but you are so right, this was all for HIM to clear his conscience!!! Thanks BM.


Glad to be of service dear. Stay strong.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> U took me from nothing and made me into something and showed me a better life and i want to thank u for that.


Sociopath here!
Becasue he doesn't "do" empathy he doesn't get this piece equals to "I used you as long as I could; i have now a new target, thanks".


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Sociopath here!
> Becasue he doesn't "do" empathy he doesn't get this piece equals to "I used you as long as I could; i have now a new target, thanks".


Exactly, smh. Thanks Acabado. 

Will not be responding to his text.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Do what you can attorney wise. If your WS is willing to just mediate it will be the cheapest. If he does not fight you on the D it could go rather easy.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

myhusbandswife said:


> Why can’t I just get that “I don’t give a F” attitude!QUOTE]
> 
> Indifference.
> Apathy.
> ...


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Being indifferent…really starting to feel that way. I been DARK hard for the last week, I know it's not a long time but it's a start. He is so not use to me “ignoring” him. 

He sent me several messages last night saying you hate me so much you cant talk to me, can you please talk to me, and then today at work, we work together and it's the first time I seen him in weeks, walked right passed him as if he was a stranger. Then he sends a text saying that’s what we are going to do, walk around like we do not know each other. No response. Next text, why are you acting like a f- kid, I’m about to show you my crazy side to get a response, don’t worry I will just come to your office. No response. I will only respond if he is talking about his son which of course he hasn’t. So selfish it’s disgusting! 

Every day is getting easier and easier and someone said it earlier that maybe after a month I will not even want him back and that is exactly how I feel now. Mornings are still hard but nothing like how it was a month ago!

Thanks for listening…reading…I just need an outlet so I don’t get tempted to call/text his dumb a**!!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I just finished posting on a different thread about finding a social network. Sounds like you need the same advice!

Hopefully you can start looking to build some new relationships with friends, or family. Find some people to go have fun with! It seems early on during a split, the loneliness is our biggest hurdle. See if you can off-set that with some new fun!

It will get easier. He will wear down. Be prepared to see him either drift off, or come crawling back. Either way, move forward and focus on YOUR new life.

Take care!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just picture him naked every time he bothers you (and not in a sexy way!). Laugh at his futile attempts.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> I just finished posting on a different thread about finding a social network. Sounds like you need the same advice!
> 
> Hopefully you can start looking to build some new relationships with friends, or family. Find some people to go have fun with! It seems early on during a split, the loneliness is our biggest hurdle. See if you can off-set that with some new fun!
> 
> ...



Thanks! Yes the loneliness is what I was scared of...I'm trying my hardest to stay busy and reconnect with friends and family. I just dont want to keep getting asked, "Where's your H??" hmmm who f- cares!!! lol


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> Just picture him naked every time he bothers you (and not in a sexy way!). Laugh at his futile attempts.


Lmao!!! Yuck!!! Good one!!! :smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Ask him."


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

2 weeks dark and been loving the feeling I been having lately. I feel more control over myself and can see things more clearly than almost 2 months ago. Going dark was the best thing I have done for my sanity and to see things for what they really are…time wasted on a selfish POS H. 

Yesterday I received flowers at work from a friend. When he got in for his shift word must of got out that I received flowers today and the text messages came in!

You got a new guy sprung over you…
F* you…
I regret and wish I never married you…
I’m throwing your flowers away, hope you enjoyed them…

So when I came into my office this morning, they were in the trash…childish. 

I know he is trying to get a reaction out of me but I didn’t want to entertain it because that would lead to an emotional back and forth text war and who knows what more hurtful things would come out. 

What gets me is he has never talked or said anything that hurtful before. I know he is trying to hurt me but crazy how you acting when you see that I am “moving on” and ignoring you. I’m not into the games but can’t see myself talking to him unless it’s about our son. Funny flowers made you think about your son that now you want to talk to him after weeks. 

Ready for this to all be over with…starting to see the light…


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad it's working for you. And you're right - text war is pointless and harmful. Just continue to ignore.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks Turnera! 

I know more hurtful words are coming the further I continue to ignore!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

I texted H for daycare money today. In the past 3 weeks he has spoken to his son once and that’s after me telling him a few weeks ago that if he wanted to see his son he can come over but he wasn’t going to go over the OW’s house.

H said he needs to see his son every weekend. I said can we agree to every other weekend and then he said yea if you stick with it. Really?? In 2 months I haven’t received a single dime and now I am being portrayed as the “bitter” parent that didn’t let him see his son?!! 

Things are just so easy breezy for him and I'm just getting so frustrated!! Why didnt I leave years ago after the first separation???

Co-parenting really sucks especially if you are trying to go dark and move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remember that everyone has to prop themselves up. If he's having to dis you, it's to make himself feel better. Ignore it.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thanks Turnera. 

I’m ready to get over this…this feeling sucks!!! 

These boards have def been an outlet when I’m tempted to call/text him! 

I need to go workout today! He is taking up too much space in my head!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

myhusbandswife said:


> He literally just sent this...BS....
> 
> Despite everything we are going thru rt now i just want to apologize for any wrong doing any disrespect i have showed u any heart ache and pain I've caused u never deserved any of it ur a good woman and deserve better then what i have shown u. I just want to let u know i love u and always will and u will always have a special place in my heart no matter what the outcome is between us. U took me from nothing and made me into something and showed me a better life and i want to thank u for that.


What's with the "you deserve better" line. I've heard that a hundred times. Along with so many others on this board. "You deserve better" - someone decipher that for me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's Wayward Speak, part of the Script all cheaters use to asuage their guilt at what they're doing. Some sort of psychological shift they make so they don't have to feel so bad...they're being noble, don't you see, setting you free to get someone better than them...


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

It's all BS!!!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Update and venting…

NC/Dark for a lil over a month, only a few texts regarding son. I love you’s, I miss you and mean texts were all ignored. I was proud of myself and felt I was making progress. My days were getting easier and I was really starting to develop that indifference towards him and felt OK. 

Last week he sends me a texting saying that he went to the ER the past weekend and that his health is bad, his blood sugars was 500, his diabetes is out of wack and his kidneys are bad. The DR told him he has a chance to turn it all around but he has to stay on top of it and he wanted to make everything right by me and that he missed me and his family. Him saying he missed his family got me. Also saying he wants to work on us, be friends, date and start over.

He doesn’t have a car because of a car wreck he was in in March of this year. I asked him who took him to the ER and who has been bringing him to and from work. He told me that the OW who is his son’s mother (not the woman he cheated on me with in June), has been getting him around and he swears it’s nothing like that and she is just strictly helping him. I don’t know what to believe being he is a liar. Her taking care of my husband made me feel a certain way. So I offered to take him to work and he stayed at our house for a week with physical contact, smh. 
Some parts of the week felt good but majority of it felt so so wrong as if I was going backwards. I felt as if he was just using me for a ride and convenience. Sure nuff, once Sat morning comes and no work he was ready to go home. I told him I felt used and he got so mad as if I had no reason to feel that way! That turned into an argument.
I dropped him off at his house along with my son to stay the weekend with him. My son tells me that they stayed at the OW’s house. So what happened to the I miss you and my family talk? He calls me and still saying it’s nothing like that. BS 

After his baby mama dropped him off at work Monday he texted me that night if I can pick him up from work…told him No. I’m back to NC…hate that the NC ticker had to be reset when I was doing so good!
As I’m writing this it’s making my stomach hurt and I’m feeling so disgusted in myself. Like how can I really keep going back to him?? I know my feeling of being used was true. 

Am I really that much of a doormat? Easy, convenience, so disgusting! This isn’t love just straight up stupidity! 

Why am I having the hardest time accept the fact of the real him?!! I rather him use and f- over someone else other than me!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's in your control, right? NC. And don't worry about the backsliding. Everyone does it, until they no longer care.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

All in my control...thanks I needed that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He is incapable of honest dealings. Hard to see that ever changing. The diabetes problem... hey, he needs to keep track of his blood sugar, eat right and exercise. You cannot do those things for him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Next time he has a health scare, call the wambulance for him and you stay miles away.

You married a serial cheater and liar. These people are good at burrowing their way into your heart, so you shouldn't feel stupid for having feelings for him, even after all he has done.

Just make up your mind that you need a serial cheater for a husband like you need a hole in your head. Be a practical woman with your eyes clearly focused on the right prize, which is a healthy, happy future for yourself and your child. After all, you were perfectly whole and functioning before you met your POSWH, weren't you? Think of those days and realize that time and NC will turn him into a nothing effect in your life

Whenever you waver, just think, 'serial cheater, serial liar.' He's definitely one & people like that are a recipe for misery for other people.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> He is incapable of honest dealings. Hard to see that ever changing. The diabetes problem... hey, he needs to keep track of his blood sugar, eat right and exercise. You cannot do those things for him.


How can someone be so fake with themself?? 

I dont know why I think that he will be this changed magical good man for someone else. I know exactly what he is!

His diabetes is scary...but funny the whole week he was at my house didnt even have his medication or insulin??? Now I'm starting to think that whole story was a lie. SMH


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Next time he has a health scare, call the wambulance for him and you stay miles away.
> 
> You married a serial cheater and liar. These people are good at burrowing their way into your heart, so you shouldn't feel stupid for having feelings for him, even after all he has done.
> 
> ...


I had an amazing life before him!!!! 

He will be someone else's troubles...no longer my worries!

Thanks Alte Dame


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I read your whole story.. 

It sounds like you are almost at the part of accepting this is probably over.

The health "scare" is common. My stbx was an abusive a$$ and one day called me saying his heart is beating uncontrollably and that he can't sleep etc etc and can I please help him set up a doc appointment.
So I did.. it turned out he was drinking too much coffee.

Later he made up a RETURN cancer for his mother. When I said I would love to visit her he told me that she doesn't like me and it's probably not a good idea.. turns out? She never had her cancer return, was at a return MRI.

Even if his issues were real he hurt you more than ANY EMERGENCY throughout your marriage... he kept breaking your heart and never once considered that to be a serious issue.

Tell him to call his mother when he needs a ride or help. 

People like this don't even realize the things they are doing are wrong. My ex is a pathological liar, alcoholic, cheater, violent and mentally abusive. But you think he sees any of this? Nope, he is a "good man" always pushed to the limits by a woman.. and when things don't go his way for 1 week he needs to move on. Afterall life is too short.

You will NEVER understand him, unless you were LIKE HIM.. and you are not.

I have been researching this a lot, and really traits of these people are: Charming, you feel like you have never met someone like him, kind, knows all about you and makes you happy... until for some reason you are no longer interesting.. then they become abusive, have multiple affairs, cause havoc in your personal life, isolate you and make YOU question your sanity.

I'm not saying he is a sociopath or psychopath... what I'm saying is he has those traits.. and the official diagnosis makes no difference because he has already cause you harm. The more you engage this man the worse your life will be. 

You need to get a lawyer and have all questions move to him/her.. and establish permanent no contact.

The way he seems to be using multiple people without remorse is what he will keep doing.. all while portraying him as some poor guy, just confused in the world.

I'm so happy you are seeing all this.. once you do there is no going back... you won't look at him the same way ever again.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

myhusbandswife said:


> After his baby mama dropped him off at work Monday he texted me that night if I can pick him up from work…told him No. I’m back to NC…hate that the NC ticker had to be reset when I was doing so good!


Interesting. Nice guilt trip. So he has no car, but has been able to get around fine until now.

Think of it this way, he had all of these opportunities to ask for your help, but never did. It makes me wonder who is unavailable that he had to beg for your help.

You are plan C, you should be plan A.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> The way he seems to be using multiple people without remorse is what he will keep doing.. all while portraying him as some poor guy, just confused in the world.
> 
> I'm so happy you are seeing all this.. once you do there is no going back... you won't look at him the same way ever again.



That's exactly how he got me, I felt sorry for him, his story etc. made me go awwww. Poor broke guy confused in the world and I wanted to help him! Gross!!!

Even when he was at the house for that week I didnt have that giddy feeling or excitement that I thought would be there. Just his dumb body walking around in MY house like he's the sh*t!


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Interesting. Nice guilt trip. So he has no car, but has been able to get around fine until now.
> 
> Think of it this way, he had all of these opportunities to ask for your help, but never did. It makes me wonder who is unavailable that he had to beg for your help.
> 
> You are plan C, you should be plan A.


Right!!! SMH!

He always says that he has "pride" and dont like asking for help. So now that I had said NO to him, I for sure wont be hearing from him anytime soon and I am so good with that!!


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear myhusbandswife,

Just read your thread. Agree with all the advice you have received. Two questions:

1. Have you filed for divorce yet?

2. If not, why?

I hope you don't answer that you don't have the money because you know that that is not a sufficiently good reason.

The sooner you start the process, the sooner you can start to build a new and better life.

Wishing you the best.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear myhusbandswife,
> 
> Just read your thread. Agree with all the advice you have received. Two questions:
> 
> ...



No good reason why I haven’t filed yet. Money isn’t the reason. I have spoken to a few lawyers and I felt a little overwhelmed thinking “wow, I really am getting a divorce.” 

The delay in filing was due to delusional thoughts in my head that he would change. I was waiting on him to do something but I need to do this for myself. I do want to set myself free and start living my life. 

He doesn’t make me and what he does from here on out is on him…

Thanks for the response Carmen Ohio.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

myhusbandswife said:


> No good reason why I haven’t filed yet. Money isn’t the reason. I have spoken to a few lawyers and I felt a little overwhelmed thinking “wow, I really am getting a divorce.”
> 
> The delay in filing was due to delusional thoughts in my head that he would change. I was waiting on him to do something but I need to do this for myself. I do want to set myself free and start living my life.
> 
> ...


Filing for divorce may wake him up. You can meet him down the road evaluate him. Probably he will not be able to make the necessary changes and/or you will emotionally no longer be receptive.

If there is a miracle coincidence great, but don't bet on it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

myhusbandswife said:


> Just his dumb body walking around in MY house like he's the sh*t!


Well, he DID use his charm to get you to let him back in and be his driver. I bet he felt pretty full of himself for that.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Honestly I know he will not be able to make the changes that I need or want from a Husband/Man. He is just not that one. I wrote out a timeline from the first time we met until now and it’s bad smh. Out our 5 years we didn’t even have a full year of pure happiness with each other where he wasn’t doing something with someone. It’s disgusting. He will never sacrifice being true for me. 
I’m still young and I’m still a GREAT catch so first time in a while that I really am feeling excitement for my future without him in it! Me and my son will be just fine 
Turnera-Yep he did sucker me to be his driver for that week…that’s on me…I cant afford anymore slipups or blacksliding…so not worth the aftermath and the feelings! 
Detaching……


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Keep going with the feeling of freedom and independence. Keep up the 180. The more you detach, the better your mindset for divorce.

And he really fits the profile of a serial cheat. Being free of that is definitely a new lease on life.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thank you Alte Dame. 

It doesnt make it any better that we work at the same company. I'm in the office and he works nights in the warehouse so I rarely run into him but I can hear him laughing and talking as loud as can be from the breakroom when he clocks in. It's only an hour period that he's here before my day is over with. If we didnt work at the same company detaching will be that much easier!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

myhusbandswife said:


> Thank you Alte Dame.
> 
> It doesnt make it any better that we work at the same company. I'm in the office and he works nights in the warehouse so I rarely run into him but I can hear him laughing and talking as loud as can be from the breakroom when he clocks in. It's only an hour period that he's here before my day is over with. If we didnt work at the same company detaching will be that much easier!


Ugh. So true. Listening to him yuck it up while you're in pain about your marriage is hard, to say the least. Stick some earphones in and listen to some music during that hour or take a LONG bathroom break.

One of the constants that we see here about the cheating spouse is that many of them are so self-centered that they simply don't care if they hurt you.

So keep telling yourself that - he doesn't care if he hurts you. You deserve better than that.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> So keep telling yourself that - he doesn't care if he hurts you. You deserve better than that.


I will REPEAT that phrase over and over and over! He dont give a sh*t! He's all fake anyways!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

You will never see him the same way again.. which is GOOD.

I think about my stbxh and I almost gag... no thanks.

Think about this logically - a real normal man would never act this way, what some of us get are fake copies of the real thing. They try to act like the real thing but they can't fake it for long.

Whatever "issues" he has has plenty of time to address them, and he should have thought long and hard about starting a relationship with so many of his issues.. but he didn't.

I almost feel tricked... like why didn't this guy tell me he had a drinking problem or that he liked to punch walls and throw things? 

You said "yes" to a person that doesn't exist.. so divorce will be with a person that is FAKE, not the man you married.

I would suggest you talk to a lawyer soon and file, it takes a while and I would pay attention to how he acts. I am suprised if the ugly doesn't come out even more.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Can a day go by without going through something? I’m mentally drained, not sleeping well and walking around at work and with friends with a smile when I’m just a total mess inside. I have a friend that I confide in and she says that I am doing so well and being so strong but I don’t feel it. 

I am still friends with my husband’s best friend’s wife. We of course became good friends over the years, was even in her wedding. She tell me today that I don’t want you to feel a certain way about me but we all are going over baby mama house this wknd to watch the fight. When my husband invited all the fellas he said fight party at me and baby mama’s house. Like what…she moved you into her house now??? I told my friend that I appreciate you for telling me but I know she will be around so you don’t have to tell me every time you all hang out. I simply do not want or need to know. 

Funny this morning I was calling lawyer offices trying to schedule consultations for after this weekend. I do not want any ties with him. 

She probably feels entitled to him because they have a child together as if our marriage is fake, not real. How can a woman really lay up with a married man…ok separated man so it’s like he’s up for grabs. You leave this relationship to really get back in another situation to play house/family with this h*e??? Have him…take him…I don’t get it. 

Going to ATL this weekend with the girls so need it…


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Every week I find out something. I go days where I am feeling strong and positive for the future and then there’s days like today where it’s like really…do I have to be going through all these feelings, 3months now. I’m tired of crying…tired of thinking so damn much. I want to get back to whatever my new normal is. 

I cant get POSWH and his son’s mother OW out my head. It was confirmed to me yesterday that they are officially a couple living together. I kind of had my ideas while he was still denying it but it was confirmed. I closed my FB but was also told that he reactivated his FB and posted, New beginnings with no regrets. WTF. I know I shouldn’t care what he is now doing in his life but I do and it sucks. Not that I want him back but it just hurts how he can disregard his wife and son and the family we had so easily. 

He would tell me when they would break up back in the day that he would go back to her because she would be the only person to take him back and his confidence would be so low. All lies. Some of that may be true but I know you are a user, a liar, sorry MF and I need to stop taking up so much space in my head thinking about you. She can deal with you since she waiting so long to get back with you. now it’s yalls time…

This is the early stages again in their relationship so it’ll be fresh and nice for a while before reality sets in. I hope they don’t make it last. 

How do these WS move on so easily with no care or worry in the world?? Living a so called happy life. How do you move that quick into another relationship??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's time to get on antidepressants.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

I had a DR appointment yesterday to try to get on some sort of antidepressants or at least sleeping pills. The DR said from what I told him and my symptoms he doesn’t think I need to be on anything that I am going through normal feelings and stages of a divorce. Oh well…I’ll manage…gotta get back into my workout to cope. I try not to think so much of what I can’t control and whatever “happily ever after” life they are living together. Who cares…

On another note, 2 nights ago he sent me a text with our wedding picture attached…wtf?!! If I had a picture of him and his baby mama I would of sent that but ignored the text…what games is he trying to play? I know he was fishing to see if I would bite or write back and say awww I miss you…f* that and F* him!

I have a phone consultation with another lawyer today at 2p.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good. Make sure he/she is a bulldog and you can take POS WH for everything he has. Make him PAY for this new life he wants.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Right! Thanks Turnera! 

I cant wait to get write a sucesss story one of these days!

I'm ready for a change of everything and something NEW!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You will, I can tell! Go in there raging MAD.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WH is a user who has never treated you with respect. He knows how to keep you off balance.

So, do the one thing that will really help you in the end - ignore him and move on with your life. Move on. Stay strong and be confident. It's a huge ego boost for him to believe he has you as a backup plan, but what a great thing for your life as you see him fading in your rearview mirror.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Sending me our wedding picture was a way to throw me off balance for sure…smh…he’s starting to look real pathetic to me right now…I really want out and to free my mind…

Thanks Alte Dame.


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## Knobbers (Sep 25, 2013)

Really sorry to hear what you are going thru.

I would have forwarded that text to his first baby mama and asked if she approved? Mind screw him right back, her too I'm sure.

Don't listen to me though, I have no clue how to deal with what you are going through and I'm sure that wouldn't help you detach any quicker.

Just would have liked to see that pr!ck squirm a little bit. He is a punk ass and far from a man. Please don't think the rest of us are like him, your next guy will be a great catch if karma is real. Best of luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

myhusbandswife said:


> I had a DR appointment yesterday to try to get on some sort of antidepressants or at least sleeping pills. The DR said from what I told him and my symptoms he doesn’t think I need to be on anything


Look up homeopathic antidepressants.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

SMH...I would of loved to forward her that text along with the rest of the BS texts he sends me...but really just want to wash my hands with it all and simply ignore!!!

My next one will be a real lucky man! 

Thanks for the response Knobbers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> Your WH is a user who has never treated you with respect. He knows how to keep you off balance.
> 
> So, do the one thing that will really help you in the end - ignore him and move on with your life. Move on. Stay strong and be confident. It's a huge ego boost for him to believe he has you as a backup plan, but what a great thing for your life as you see him fading in your rearview mirror.


 And, to do this, NEVER RESPOND TO HIM AGAIN. GO INVISIBLE.


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

This guy is a real tool you are much much better off without.

Truth.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

I will look it up Turnera. Can’t believe the DR told me to try Benadryl...I just paid you $25 bucks to tell me that and give me a handout on things to do to sleep easily...wtf…I just need a good gym workout to physically and mentally exhaust me. 

Just so I don’t have to look at him I will arrange that he goes to my mom’s for pick up/drop off our son.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Silvr Surfer said:


> This guy is a real tool you are much much better off without.
> 
> Truth.


Way better off without him...CAN see that now!

I know I'm not fully where I want to be at yet, but reading the earlier parts of my thread makes me sick sometimes to think I let someone do me like this without doing anything about it...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't beat yourself up, it's human nature to do it.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

4 months since the separation and life is sooo good for him. Why do I care??? I know I shouldn’t. I have been moving on with mine but the weekends that my son goes to visit him with OW and their kid I always feel a certain way. They are being a family while I’m home by myself. I swear I’m not trying to have self pity but this really sucks.

He still texts me and sends me pictures of us, and texts me I miss my family and you but I know you don’t want me like that because you have moved on. I know that right there is just to try to make himself feel better and put the guilt on me for what he is doing. Still dark on him and only text regarding my son.

I haven’t filed yet….now it is a money issue. They are closing my son’s school because of this whole government shut down so now I have to find him another school to go to. 

I read somewhere on here that it took someone 8 months to get over a 22 year marriage. Mine was short lived...so hopefully I am getting to that point. I have accepted the facts of everything but I really need to get over this soon.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Next time he texts that, reply "You miss your family? Funny way of showing it. But you're right, I have moved on, and am glad I did."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

myhusbandswife said:


> I read somewhere on here that it took someone 8 months to get over a 22 year marriage. Mine was short lived...so hopefully I am getting to that point. I have accepted the facts of everything but I really need to get over this soon.


It's a lot harder to get over it if you're not out specifically CHANGING your life, to fill it with new, happier memories. You should have so many things to do on your free weekends that you have to choose between them.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

You’re dead on…I haven’t done any major changes in my life, only that he’s out and NC with him. I now have an active social life with friends but sometimes it’s like I end up thinking about my situation. Other than that, me and son are doing fine. 

Been on a few dates, but not interested in anybody right now. 

Definitely need to do something to keep my mind off of things. 

Thanks Turnera.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

> 4 months since the separation and life is sooo good for him. Why do I care??? I know I shouldn’t. I have been moving on with mine but the weekends that my son goes to visit him with OW and their kid I always feel a certain way. They are being a family while I’m home by myself. I swear I’m not trying to have self pity but this really sucks.


So why are you sitting home alone. Go out with friends. Take a class. Enjoy the fact that you have a free weekend and let your husband know you are having fun. 



> He still texts me and sends me pictures of us, and texts me I miss my family and you but I know you don’t want me like that because you have moved on. I know that right there is just to try to make himself feel better and put the guilt on me for what he is doing. Still dark on him and only text regarding my son.


You may be on target about the fact he is trying to make you the bad guy. If you no longer want reconciliation, then, so what?

He knows in his heart what he did and he was wrong and he wronged you. If he doesn't admit this to himself then you have lost no one of value. 

In addition, if you haven't already, why not tell him that you know he is trying to make you the bad guy and let him know you are not buying into that bull. Tell him, he's the one who disrupted the family, and he's the one that needs to do the work to fix it. 

If he is still seeing the OW, he is not doing the required work.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> He knows in his heart what he did and he was wrong and he wronged you. If he doesn't admit this to himself then you have lost no one of value.


Love this part of your response, Remorseful Strayer. He will never fully be remorseful for what he has done but deep down he knows he was wrong like you said. I don’t want to R with him just would love a little karma to come his way…


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to make that karma happen is for YOU to go out and live an even better life than you could have had with him.


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