# confused and hurt



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

my husband may be considering divorce but told me for now he is just trying to figure out if he has any feelings for me at all and he just cant answer that right now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I see you are posting via a mobile device, or cell phone, but can you provide any additional background information?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

yes i hope im doing this right. 17 year marriage weve had are ups and down for sure. One day a week and a half ago he just tells me all these things pilled up about us and he was just left empty concerning me that he had to figure out whether he could still have feelings for me and he was tired of walking on eggshells and i would have to give him time to think. So i started with the crying and the begging to no avail so over the week or two just tried to be cheerful spend more time with the kids ect.... I just feel like its really over he has stopped with any physical closeness at all. no phone calls no text. no i love yous. this is the hardest thing i have ever been through
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Was there any single event that triggered this? The more info you provide, the easier it will be to find help and support through this time.

First though, I would not beg him to stay. Start working on yourself and be the best you that you possibly can. You cannot change him or his feelings.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

its the sex i think it all revolves around that i got mad yet again over it and hes just fed up he says its his problem and he will decide when to get help so thats what happened
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

What is the problem with the sex? Not enough? Not initiating? Can't perform? Different wants?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

not enough says its cause of performance issues and apparently i havent been supportive about that but i just cant see how you go from that to and by the way i have no feelings for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Has he seen a dr about it? He is probably embarrassed.


----------



## fullofanger (Oct 24, 2009)

Have you read the book "Fireproof"? There's also a movie out. Your situation kinda reminds me of that. You didn't say much about yourself or him. Be more specific about everything and you will get some real advice. There's people with similar situations that can give you advice. Just be specific.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I have read the book and did most of the dares It seemed like we were doing ok. the long and short of it is alot of it is my fault i went through a period after my mother died that i was drinking alot. So now the last couple of years im better going yo church better mother was trying to be a better wife. guess to little to late. he told me everything just built up between us then one day it just collapsed. he said if i felt like him i would have left along time ago. ive tried to do all the things act happy stay busy show my strength but i can help it if im all twisted up i lost my best friend like i said it just dissapeared. i dont know what to say or do next. we have two left at home senior and middle school guess hes trying not to disrupt them im so clueless all i know is he did an excellent job of hiding his feelings all those years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Have you asked him to consider counseling to help sort out his feelings and issues?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

yes and he wont have that doesnt believe in it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

So he won't do counseling and he won't see a dr to get himself properly evaluated to see what is going on? Sounds like he does not want to work on the marriage much.

Have you thought about a trial separation?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

no i really havent i guess hes thinking about it. I told him all I needed was to know does he want to try and make the marriage work and he told me he couldnt answer that right now. I guess im just waiting but i just hate it. Iike i said trying to stay busy going on church retreat with smallest son next week maybe that will help it just sucks to feel like your the only one that wants to fight for your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I suggest you ask for a separation. You cannot sit around waiting on him to make up his mind. Take a proactive step, rather than waiting around to react to his next move. 

He told you that he does not know if he wants to make it work.
A separation would allow him that time to figure it out.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

i know your right about that just feel selfish disrupting the kids lives like that i know its true though because now that i thiink about it when we had the initial fight he told me he didnt have anywhere to go which means i want to go but have nowhere to go. Man this sucks feeling like this. its demeaning
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

If he wants out, he needs to go. NOT YOU.

I understand disrupting the kids, but do you think they not feel the tension in the house right now?

He won't make a decision because he has no where to go?


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

thats what he said how long would you wait before you asked if he had come to a decision if he asked for time to think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would not wait. If my husband said he did not know what he wanted, I would make the decision, but that is me. Each situation is different. I would not want him left holding all the cards and me waiting on pins and needles for him to decide if I am good enough for him to try again.

You have to decide if you want to make the marriage work and if you want to be in it. I suggest a separation.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

yep thats right because it is like saying am i good enough are you sure you dont want me. anyway guess i will be doing some soul searching i appreciate the advice its nice to have someone to talk to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

How about individual counseling for yourself to help sort out your feelings. Even if he does decide that he wants to work on it, I sense that you will have lingering resentment toward him for being on the fence. I would suggest counseling for yourself. Figure out what you want. You don't have to wait for him to make a decision.


----------

