# dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?



## JenifaOJenny

First of all, thank you for any advice you can offer me here.
I know this seems like a no-brainer right off the bat, duh! 
I've been dating a very sweet guy almost eight months now who (here's the whopper) still shares a home with the ex (as roommates) and their two children. I was aware of the situation from the very beginning and have NEVER dated a married man previous, and having finished a devastating relationship 9 months prior, this arrangement was fine for me as we agreed we could take things slow and not jump into anything. I believe that they are not intimate, they have separate rooms, she has a boyfriend also and he spends almost every other weekend at my house. It is taking longer than desired because they cannot agree on the 50/50 custody that my BF is requesting and financial constrains. 

The problem: During the first six or seven months, I spent most of my free time with him. The last month or so, I've hung out a few times with a few of my guy friends (some of whom happen to be ex-boyfriends). Unfortunately, most of my friends here are guys .. my close girl friends are out of state. 
I have remained friends with all of my ex-boyfriends and I don't see this as a problem. Once it’s over, it's over, to me this doesn't mean you can't be friends and in fact, sometimes these end up being really good friendships. Well, this has been a problem for him which I find hugely ironic considering that I have been willing to trust him in this situation. He feels it is different because he is not ‘hanging out’ with his wife, only cohabitating and co-parenting. I am starting to feel he is becoming possessive and mistrusting, which has caused me to back off on the situation a bit and also because his divorce/impending move hasn't seemed to be making any progress and I've said all along I don't want to rush. 
I am 38 and have a 9 year old son, engaged twice but never married. He is 36 and has a 15 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. He’s been married almost 14 years so does not have a lot of dating experience. I am respectful of his children's feelings and did not want to meet them until he was moved but I gave in on that after meeting his nieces and that getting back to his daughter. I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t want to rush but he continues to push issues such as spending time with the kids and asks questions incessantly, which is really starting to bother me. I had to straight out tell him I was feeling smothered. I’ve told him from the get go he and his children will need time once he’s actually divorced/moved to adjust but as he gets more and more inquisitive about my time and possessive about who I spend time with, I get more and more frustrated. He really is a very sweet, considerate guy so I don’t want to just toss the baby out with the bathwater, so I’ve told him I need to retain my freedom until if/when we decide to take our relationship further and that won’t happen until his situation changes. He feels I am acting like my way or the highway and I am firm that I am just asking for what anyone would ask of a NORMAL relationship, and especially of one in these very odd circumstances.

Thoughts or advice, please? Thank you.


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## nice777guy

Moving along sounds reasonable!!!

I personally would have an issue with the ex-boyfriends. BUT - to tell you to dump after you'd been so trusting and understanding of MY situation - makes NO sense.

Another thing - I would expect this to only get worse as you guys get closer. A controlling boyfriend / girlfriend is going to be even MORE controlling if you guys ever got married or lived together.


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## unbelievable

Has he introduced you to his roomie (ex wife)? You've been dating him almost 8 months. If they truly are only roomies, it would seem only logical that he would have introduced you two. Whatever his situation is or isn't, he's in no position to enter into a serious relationship. He hasn't cleanly broken from his wife and he hasn't had time to grieve the loss of a 14 year marriage or to work on the part of him that contributed to the marriage failure. Until the ink is dry on an actual divorce decree, there is still the very real possibility that these two might reconcile.


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## Jellybeans

This one's easy: stop dating the married guy who still lives with his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JenifaOJenny

Jellybeans said:


> This one's easy: stop dating the married guy who still lives with his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, that actually made me laugh :scratchhead:

If only I'd had not started dating him in the first place... like I said sounds like a no-brainer and I've never dated a married/separated guy before, but they aren't TRULY separated now, are they!


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## JenifaOJenny

Thanks, NiceGuy! Good to hear an objective male perspective for both sides ...


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## selfish

That's really tough. I've been in a similar situation, but it was a little more complicated. He told me he would never move out unless his children were with him. Clearly, he wasn't going to move out of the house; so I broke it off. 

Your situation may be different. If he's introduced you to her, and you ladies can have some sort of a 'relationship', that is a little different. If that isn't an option for your BF, I would walk away. 

Are you positive they are 'roommates'??


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## JenifaOJenny

selfish said:


> If he's introduced you to her, and you ladies can have some sort of a 'relationship', that is a little different. If that isn't an option for your BF, I would walk away.
> 
> Are you positive they are 'roommates'??


I have not met her and probably won't. He was unfaithful in the marriage, that's was what has prompted their separation so he says she will never be 'cool' with any other woman in his life, which I completely understand. but yet, i've met his kids and the rest of his family. it is weird. 

i've asked him repeatedly to give me some space and room to think about how i'm feeling. he's upset if we aren't seeing each other several times a week and talking several times a day. We are starting to fight daily because i feel like he's more emotional than a teenager at this point. He wants to get together to "talk" while I am asking for breathing room 3 days after we just had a long "talk" about the situation. He's confused because he feels like my feelings have changed rapidly and maybe they have, i started to feel smothered after it felt like he didn't trust me while i've been trusting him this whole time. constant questions .. i can't have two hours to myself without him asking what i did during that time. I think he doesn't realize because of his infidelity that he has trust issues. I've had them in the past so i see them all too clearly and that's honestly why i thought this would be a good situation for me. Argh, it is really driving me crazy.


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## chattycathy

He IS a cheater, nuf said for cryin' out loud!
His wife, who was dedicated to him over a decade says kaput even though she is far more invested in him.....

big hint!


He is a bad egg and not a good choice of a mate and a loser with a capital L. Perhaps an attractive, loving loser but a bad choice. Bad choice.

Dump him.

LOL!


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## LonelyNLost

He's controlling because he's a cheater, and he knows what he is inclined to do. This is bad news. I'd move on, this situation isn't likely to resolve itself. I bet the situation is more like she wants him out of the house and he won't leave. He wants 50/50 custody and thinks that leaving will jeopardize that. Looks like a long, ugly battle. You've shown him that you're willing to put up with it, as well. Do yourself a favor and just live and learn from this one. I know, harder said than done.


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## selfish

I don't want to say it, but I'm sorry to say - you know what is going on and you just don't want to admit it to yourself  
He is controlling for sure! He won't leave you alone after you asked him to. He is also trying to control the situation with his wife. He won't leave without the specific custody arrangement that he wants. Regardless of the situation, the beginning of your relationship was tainted, and most likely will be forever. 

If a controlling man is what you are looking for, keep attempting. But it doesn't sound like you appreciate this kind of behaviour. I'd be out ASAP! Good luck girl!


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## tacoma

Well I think you should back out of it at least until his has his life in order.
It`s pretty messed up at the moment it seems.

Also you might want to re-think that friends with ex`s situation you have going on.
It`s a dealbreaker for most men who want a serious relationship.
I wouldn`t deal with it for a minute.

However your boyfriend is really in no position to complain considering his living space.


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## Almostrecovered

JenifaOJenny said:


> He was unfaithful in the marriage


end of story

find a better man


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## FirstYearDown

Jellybeans said:


> This one's easy: stop dating the married guy who still lives with his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
JenifaOJenny, we all do cringe worthy things that we regret later.

You may have to work on listening to your intuition. There were red flags all over the place, you just chose to ignore them.

Chalk it up to experience and only date men who are single or _divorced_. Separated spouses reconcile all the time.


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## CandieGirl

Yup...this one's got too much baggage! Reminds me of a similar time in my life, except this married guy had his own apartment. He too was 'roomies' with his wife for 'years' the marriage was over and he slept on the couch. He only got the apartment to facilitate extramarital affairs. Kinda hard to have sex with his girlfriends on the living room couch with the family around! In my case, I didn't know he was still married til about 6 months in, and even then, I had to ask. Talk about cringe-worthy...


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## girl friday

Goodness what a mess. He needs to move out, sort his life and have some space to grieve for what he has lost. Then and only then will he be in a position to offer you any form of a relationship. He is quite capable of sorting out custody and access issues without living in the same house of his ex. 

Be very careful, going down the road of having a relationship with someone who has more baggage than LAX is like walking through a minefield blindfolded. You have his past to deal with, his control issues, his trust issues and also, once a cheater ... you have heard the phrase a leopard doesn't change its spots, he may also do this to you too.

Lots of things to take into consideration. Make space for you to think very seriously about this. There is no rush.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You'd be a fool to stay with him. Once a cheater always a cheater. My ex h cheated on me and now he cheats on his current wife. Don't think your bf is any different. Who knows, maybe he is having an affair on his wife with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9

Give the guy a break. 

I am in exactly the same situation as he is. My partner and I have been together 21 years and have a 12 year old daughter. I discovered her affair in December. She refuses to move out (for selfish reasons a we have a very large comfortable home) and I cannot afford to move out and run 2 homes so we are stuck in limbo living in the same house until it sells. 5 months have passed now and it's sheer hell. 

I really want to move on with my life and meet someone new but I have made a conscious decision that I cannot practically start dating until I have my own place. In esence that means for me no fun, no affection and no sex. It's a pretty lonley and miserable existance for me at the minute so I'm concentrating on work. The house could take another year or longer to sell. In the meantime my ex/roomie call her what you will, now rubs my nose in it and openly carries on her affair.

What you have to remember is that your fella has been with his wife for 14 years and will be totally inept and clueless about the dating game as lots of thing have changed in the last 10 years with the internet, dating sites, facebook and mobile phones. Frankly I find it terrifying. The last time I asked a girl out was in 1989 in a night club where the girls used to dance round their handbags in white stillettoes.

Alternatively can't he move in with you?


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## Numb in Ohio

I was in this same situation, ( which I had never dated a "separated" man before and never will again... we have been married 9 years and found out he had cheated on his exw with 2 other women,, and I caught him in 2 EA's.... we are now separated. 

" Run fast, don't look back"


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## gav

I let my ExW stay at the house for a few months until she found another place to go, but that's about it.

Even that much time was horrible. At a certain point you need to just cut your losses, I think...


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## Honeystly

a married cheater.... run!


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