# Emotional disconnect



## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I am feeling emotionally disconnected with my kids. I feel I am not trying to understand them. What they are feeling and what I am perceiving might totally be different. How should I be handling this?


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Explain. Are you having hard time communicating with them? Is their some behavior stuff? Is your wifes affair actively interfering with your parenting and 1 on 1 time with them?

Your original post isn't much to go on. Need more info or example.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I am having trouble dealing with their anger. They confronted the OM and got hurt. They act like their mom doesn't exist anymore. I took them for IC on Monday. They didn't want to talk about their mom at all. IC told me they are trying to repress their memories of her.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You're all going through a difficult time and are trying to handle it however you can. Don't be too focused on your feelings for now. Things will clear eventually and you'll see the world and other people differently. It's tough to relate to people when you're going through a lot of stress. It drains you of neurochemicals responsible for all kinds of normal functioning. Don't worry about this aspect. It will pass.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> I am having trouble dealing with their anger. They confronted the OM and got hurt. They act like their mom doesn't exist anymore. I took them for IC on Monday. They didn't want to talk about their mom at all. IC told me they are trying to repress their memories of her.



What do you mean they "got hurt"? Did that POS do something to them?!?!? Wow. Time for perhaps some 'methods of diversion' and behavior curving against OM. 

It's fine how they are treating their mother ( I know I might get some flack for that) but right now it is raw for them and these are the consequences of affair. They are angry. As they RIGHTFULLY should be. Get them into IC is great. Good job there. Do they have extracurricular activities-something physical, especially if they are boys. 

I say keep them busy and keep them talking. TO YOU AND THEIR THERAPIST. 

As far as Mommy goes.... 

Meh, live it and love it baby. This is the ugly side of poor behavior by adults and parents. 

I think you're doing great. 

What did POS OM punk say or do???


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

My mom put us through hell after she found out about dad's cheating ways. I do have a fear that I might become like her. I am flawed.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

TheFlood117 said:


> What do you mean they "got hurt"? Did that POS do something to them?!?!? Wow. Time for perhaps some 'methods of diversion' and behavior curving against OM.
> 
> It's fine how they are treating their mother ( I know I might get some flack for that) but right now it is raw for them and these are the consequences of affair. They are anger. As they RIGHTFULLY should be. Get them into IC is great. Good job there. Do they have extracurricular activities-something physical especially if they are boys.
> 
> ...


I'll pm you bro. Just not now.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

brokeneric said:


> My mom put us through hell after she found out about dad's cheating ways. I do have a fear that I might become like her. I am flawed.


Aren't we all. 

Stuff your fears. Focus on how you would like to behave instead of worrying about how you might mess up.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

You're okay, you got them in IC. That's a pretty good proactive first step. It will be okay. They are just very, very anger and scared- great things come from these 2 emotions too. 

Just keep it in check. But a little anger can really go a long way. 

Just focus them. That's why keeping them busy is a good thing. But they need a physical outlet too. That's why sports are the best things for youth, especially boys.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

My real problem is I am not sure if I am messing it up right now. I try to spend as much time as possible with them. I just don't feel I am connecting with them.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

How old are they? And are they boys or girls? You don't have to say anything specific just general things about what type of kids they are before AND after the fiasco. But every kid is a different dynamic. This is the tough part of parenting, lol. Not one size fits all.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Eric,
kids get lost in the shuffle during divorce. Just be their dad before their friend. It's important that they feel stability more than emotional connection. This is a time when rules and boundaries are more important than ever because that's their emotional safety net. It's human nature to test boundaries and believe me they'll test them. If you parent them differently now than you did before the relationship problems then it gets processed to them as "he doesn't care anymore".


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

1S and 1D. S was carefree, plump and bookworm. D skinny, chirpy butterfly. S has lost his weight, his grades have gone from A to C, seems coiled like a spring, ready to go berserk. D has gone silent, taking drastic decisions like removing every pic with their mom in them, and is becoming manipulative with her friends.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Listen, if their pre teen or teenagers them not wanting to "connect" and chat it up with Dad is totally normal. Whether divorce or not. The real concern should be if they are disconnecting with their school mates and friends and if their grades and performance are falling. If that's happening then things need to change. And if that means less Mommy, then.... That's what HAS TO HAPPEN. If you wife don't get this then child services and court orders, teachers/coaches will make her. 

As far as OM's exposure to kids. 

THIS SHOULD BE A NON ISSUE. 

Because it shouldn't happen if they do not want it to happen.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I posted right after your post. 

So the son's grades are slipping big time. The kid was an A student now he's a C. 

This is a problem. Time for intervention Eric. Legal intervention here. Sounds like Son does not want to be around mom and scumbag. So.... Get it done.

Son can tell judge he doesn't want to be around mom. 

Does your son feel the same way the daughter does? 

My guess is yes. 

Whatever you do. YOU HAVE TO SUPPORT your kid's feelings about their mom. If they don't want to see their mom. Then you side in with THEM. And vice versa.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Hi Eric, I kind of remember your thread, but I understand why was difficult to share your story for you, teenegers are difficult, I remember when I was one (between 16 - 19 when my father's affair and problems related to it hitted home and specially me), I did not wanted to talk to nobody, I wanted to be on my own and did not wanted to talk about the affair with friends or family (of course that does not include the times I confronted my father), so is Kind of normal for them to withdraw under this hurtful and stresseful situation.

Eric I think you did not metioned it, but your wife no longer have contact with them right?, at this time it will be a very bad idea trying to force contact or a relationship with their mother, they need alot of time to grieve and process the whole situation and regain their mental stability.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I would not worry about the wife -- focus on your relationship with them, take the high road, do things with them to build positive memories, and keep them in IC. 

They seem like good kids... they are grieving right now. You might also try giving them something like a journal... if they won't talk to you (or the IC about their mom), it might be a good outlet for them to get their feelings out on paper.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

brokeneric said:


> I am flawed.


welcome to the club.

i'm sorry your kids are suffering so much. you too.
remember, kids that age can be difficult to connect with when things *are* going well.
just continue being there for them, and by that i mean simply being present. if yours are like mine, they want to spend time together, even if it's just watching tv, but if i'm busy doing my own thing, they'll go off and do theirs. 

some things we enjoy as a family -

cook meals together
rent a movie and pop popcorn old school style
get some watercolors and paint
start a tv series from the beginning
go on short road trips - parks, museums, sporting events
have a game tournament: chess, ping pong, darts etc
volunteer at a local food bank
hang out at the library
learn to make a fancy desert


you get the idea. they may act like they don't want to do things with you but once an activity is sincerely started, they might find it enjoyable.

keep being there for them. you will get through this!


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Thanks everyone for their responses. brokeneric is more broken, less eric today.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The important thing is having the awareness and taking the time to address the issue...just like you...your kids need time.

So keep working at it and be there for them.

Winter sucks so maybe start planing a vacation for the summer...you know something positive you all can look forward to.


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