# Separation Blue's



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi Everyone,
I have been separated from my wife for three weeks now and knew that she was leaving maybe a month or two before that. Instead of finding a great forum like this I just wrote all my thoughts down daily in a journal. Last night I was having a bad night and I found this site and began to read all of the posts. The bad thing is we all feel bad the good thing I guess is we are not alone. I read the entire situation with skinman and the part of the dreams and not being able to not say I love you and not text is very very hard. I have been married for 15 years I have three children a 15 year old son who lives with me, an 8 year old daughter who lives with my wife but is with me three nights a week and a 4 year old daughter who is with me Monday thru Friday and does spend the night a once or twice a week. My company downsized with this horrible economy and I was part of it so right now i am not working. This causes great stress because of course I am having a hard time trying to save my home. My story is very long so I will piece it together in different posts but here is the main thing. My wife chose the separation siting things that happend throughout the marriage, some that I did not even remember. I am the type of person the deals with situations as they come and for the most part lets go, my wife does not talk about things that bother her except to her mom and sister and holds onto them forever. I had always tried to talk to her if she seemed upset but she would just not talk about things, saying I should know what is wrong. My wife moved out to an apartment about five miles from here, she left me at the lowest time in my life, no job, my company car gone, and cant afford the house. She is very cold, stating the "Separation Catch Phrase" that she needs her space and that I need to leave her be. I still do not know exactly what happend here so I assumed that it is another guy. I have no proof of this and she swore on our daughters life (its not normal for her to do that) that there was no guy and she would never be with somebody while we are married. However I cant get the thought our of my head that she is. She is in control which is hard for me because I consider myself a strong person. She is very, very mean, she ignores, is rude and treats me with indifference. I am just lost, I cant sleep, I have horrible dreams and just cannot pick myself off of the floor. I need to get my career back on track and I need to save my house but every day I just cant get going. One nice thing is I have my son, we have joined a gym, its more for me to get in better shape plus give me something to do to keep my mind off of her. I too do not have alot of friends, I have only lived in this state two years and most of the people I knew worked for me. I also spent all my free time with my family instead of going out with friends. My wife has said that she does not want a divorce "right now" but her actions say otherwise. I have read enough here to know that I should give her the space that she needs but it is very hard. I am writing here to get some of this out of my head and hopes that I can share with some of you who have lived this or is living it now. I am in tremendous pain over this, I love my wife very much and want nothing more to get us back together. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

buddy, i feel like i am reading me when i read your post. you feel like you are out of control because...you are. maybe you have control issues. a wife who wants space wants to distance herself for something. control, abuse, whatever.

it's hard for me to say thing cuz it's advice that i should have taken a few month ago...but give her space...time, whatever she wants to call it. be friendly. rebuild a friendship with her, honor her existence, she deserves that. respect her, trust her. all those things she wasn't getting before. take a breath, do good things for yourself. you certainly have things you could improve, right? do it.

best of luck my friend. this is the beginning of a lifelong journey. honor.


----------



## in a daze (Feb 10, 2009)

sports, aside from a few minor details, the story is the same. i too thought an affair and had her swear numerous times on our daughters soul. tbhis only made the matters worse as she believed i didnt trust her. i tried to tell her that i am a walking time bomb and hope she would understand. i agree with the posters here that you MUST give her space. gl ill be following you


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

in a daze said:


> sports, aside from a few minor details, the story is the same. i too thought an affair and had her swear numerous times on our daughters soul. tbhis only made the matters worse as she believed i didnt trust her. i tried to tell her that i am a walking time bomb and hope she would understand. i agree with the posters here that you MUST give her space. gl ill be following you


Thank you for the feedback, I know I have to give her her space but its just hard as I am sure you know.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

voivod said:


> buddy, i feel like i am reading me when i read your post. you feel like you are out of control because...you are. maybe you have control issues. a wife who wants space wants to distance herself for something. control, abuse, whatever.
> 
> it's hard for me to say thing cuz it's advice that i should have taken a few month ago...but give her space...time, whatever she wants to call it. be friendly. rebuild a friendship with her, honor her existence, she deserves that. respect her, trust her. all those things she wasn't getting before. take a breath, do good things for yourself. you certainly have things you could improve, right? do it.
> 
> best of luck my friend. this is the beginning of a lifelong journey. honor.


Voivod

I have seen you on this forum writing about how what you are going through and I have seen you respond to others trying to help them. I thank you for that. I am just having hard time dealing with the whole thing. I know I have to get my career going again and get off the carpet. I have always made really good money and at one time owned two homes. However I am at the lowest point in my life and that is when my wife leaves. The other thing that is so hard to deal with is how mean she is and just how she acts. Here is an example. The other day was her birthday and like always I over did it. We had agreed that she would come over and the "family" would be together for her day, we would have dinner and then go to my daughters basketball game that I and my son coach. So I start the day by getting her balloons, cards and cookies and take it to her work with the kids, we surprise her and she seems touched. She comes over after and we have the place decorated, a cake, presents etc. She seemed happy by this and even kissed me softly three or four times saying thank you. The kids even commented that Mom was being nice. The next day I text her to check in and she tells me that I am bugging her and to leave her alone. In our house my wife has always done the cooking an she is a great cook, these last three weeks though I have been eating healthier I have not had a home cooked meal. Anyway last night she comes over because my daughter has a basketball game and she brought some food that she cooked. I thought wow, that is nice and i said that to her. She replies that she brought it for the kids since they were staying and walked away. She acts like she does not want to be in the same room with me. The bad part here is I am dealing with the loss of my job, the loss of my car, the most likely loss of my beautiful home and during this time is when my wife decides to bail and treat me like SH**. I wish I could let my anger be the driver because it would be easier to move on, but in my case the heart is in control and I do not want this to happen. I have alot more that is on my mind but I will save it for another time.

thanks again.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sportsman,
once in awhile, my anger takes over me. it might sound a little like a pity party because i had major health problems, almost died, lost a number of "toys" and, yeah, my wife chose now to separate. but her reasons are right. i have to face that.

oh, by the way. there is no "wrong" when it comes to how she feels. keep that in mind.

and the kisses on her birthday---good
the texting afterwards---stop it

she'll tell you if needs anything from you.

the food she brought over and her comment...blow it off. her negative *****y reply might have been the only control she felt she had.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Last night I got an email from my wife telling me she wanted money, even though I have the kids as much as her and my 15 year old lives with me. Then tells me that she needs to be separate from me as much as possible so she can get a handle on her life. I just dont get any of this, what should I do, anyone?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> Last night I got an email from my wife telling me she wanted money, even though I have the kids as much as her and my 15 year old lives with me. Then tells me that she needs to be separate from me as much as possible so she can get a handle on her life. I just dont get any of this, what should I do, anyone?


money...it's okay to help her out, but if she wants to "get a handle on her life" she probably could start with finances.

your heart will tell you what to do. you want her back? no hostility, but be careful not to get walked all over.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman,

I feel for you friend and know exactly where you are, how you feel and all the other stuff going through your head. I must say its tough and will most likely get tougher for you.. Like your wife mine said there was no one else and that it was all me... She brought up things that had happened 12 or so years ago as reasons she wanted out. I tried my hardest begged and pleaded for another chance and it got me knowwhere.. My advice would be to give her the space she needs.. If she truly doesnt want a divorce give her a chance to miss you.. miss the guy she fell in love with... It will be the hardest thing you have done but look out for yourself.

do things that you enjoy... get out of the house surround yourself with friends...find a hobby.... Listen this is all coming from soneone who tried so hard to win back my wife did everything I could in the first 2 months but was shot down with every attempt..... See I didnt take my own advice until now.. I have seen the light in a sense that the only way to have a chance of getting her back is having her see that I will be ok without her... I have lost hope and have given up on mine.. almost 16 years we were together to have her throw it away.. for someone else..

You are in my thoughts and prayers... I wish you the best and hopefully your marriage can be saved... If not you will come out a much better man..... I can attest to that..


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> Sportsman,
> 
> I feel for you friend and know exactly where you are, how you feel and all the other stuff going through your head. I must say its tough and will most likely get tougher for you.. Like your wife mine said there was no one else and that it was all me... She brought up things that had happened 12 or so years ago as reasons she wanted out. I tried my hardest begged and pleaded for another chance and it got me knowwhere.. My advice would be to give her the space she needs.. If she truly doesnt want a divorce give her a chance to miss you.. miss the guy she fell in love with... It will be the hardest thing you have done but look out for yourself.
> 
> ...


Hey Skinman,

Your story is what made me want to join the forum and see if I could get some support and guidance. As you know this is very hard for me. I have the added issue of my job and house issues. I have never had a problem with finances or working but the market kicked my butt in several places and I suspect that this had something to do with my wifes departure.  I just would not have done that to her, the wedding vows say for richer and poorer, sickness and in health. I guess she just forgot about that and is only thinking about herself. I am having a very tough times, I am in a very low place right now with everything going on I wish I could see the light but I cant.

thanks for the input.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I sent my wife an email answering her request for money. However in the email I made an attempt to once again remind her about everything we once had and how no marriange is perfect etc etc. I went into her email (I have the password) and saw that she read it but just deleted it. No response, no in the "old" file, just deleted it. I just can't believe that she has no care at all for me. I swear she is seeing somebody but again I have no proof and she has not really been in a position that she could do that. I guess if there is a will there is a way. She swears she is not having an affair and even gives me a hard time saying that I dont trust her and that she would never do that while we are married. Maybe its just my mind wandering but it sucks, I hate it, it brings me way down. I know I have to just take care of myself and do things that shows that she is not effecting me but it is hard. Honestly if karma is real her future is going to suck.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> She swears she is not having an affair and even gives me a hard time saying that I dont trust her and that she would never do that while we are married. Maybe its just my mind wandering but it sucks, I hate it, it brings me way down. I know I have to just take care of myself and do things that shows that she is not effecting me but it is hard. Honestly if karma is real her future is going to suck.


Well Sportsman this is one thing I have learned that WW do when they leave us.. They make you feel that everything is your fault they guilt you into beliveing that it was in fact you that drove them away... Its a defense mechanism to help themselve cope with the guilt they are feeling.. Look up Gaslighting on google... I had never heard of it before all of this started in my life but thats exactly what your WW is doing to you... It was done to me and in a sense still is being done.

I know its hard for you friend and it will be for a while.. those thoughts and doubts of wondering how could she do this after all of the years together... Well know that its not you... its all on her she made this decision and as hard as it is for you to understand you may never know the real reason... Or maybe oneday it will all come out... When this started for me my stbxw made it sound like I drove her away.. I felt all the guilt and thoughts of where I failed her and my girls... In the end the truth came out.. it wasnt me it was the affair she was and still is having that ended our marriage... They will blame you for anything and everything so they feel better they have to hate you to ease the guilt they are feeling.......My stbxw said some of the most hurtfull things when it was ending making me think this is not the same woman I fell in love with.... sounds like yours is doing the same thing...try and not to take it personal... I hope Karma is alive and well in our spouses live for thier future...
what comes around goes around....... remember that... have peace friend... there are better days ahead for you !!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> Well Sportsman this is one thing I have learned that WW do when they leave us.. They make you feel that everything is your fault they guilt you into beliveing that it was in fact you that drove them away... Its a defense mechanism to help themselve cope with the guilt they are feeling.. Look up Gaslighting on google... I had never heard of it before all of this started in my life but thats exactly what your WW is doing to you... It was done to me and in a sense still is being done.
> 
> I know its hard for you friend and it will be for a while.. those thoughts and doubts of wondering how could she do this after all of the years together... Well know that its not you... its all on her she made this decision and as hard as it is for you to understand you may never know the real reason... Or maybe oneday it will all come out... When this started for me my stbxw made it sound like I drove her away.. I felt all the guilt and thoughts of where I failed her and my girls... In the end the truth came out.. it wasnt me it was the affair she was and still is having that ended our marriage... They will blame you for anything and everything so they feel better they have to hate you to ease the guilt they are feeling.......My stbxw said some of the most hurtfull things when it was ending making me think this is not the same woman I fell in love with.... sounds like yours is doing the same thing...try and not to take it personal... I hope Karma is alive and well in our spouses live for thier future...
> what comes around goes around....... remember that... have peace friend... there are better days ahead for you !!


Thanks Skinman

I can only hope, I have to pick myself up as well. As I have stated I am also dealing with the loss of job and possible loss of my house. I have to be honest its hard to get pumped up and get myself in gear to find a job but I know I need to. I am doing the career builder and monster thing, but I am not pushing it like I should. In the long run I know that I will regret that if I lose my house.

thanks for the feedback.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> Thanks Skinman
> 
> I can only hope, I have to pick myself up as well. As I have stated I am also dealing with the loss of job and possible loss of my house. I have to be honest its hard to get pumped up and get myself in gear to find a job but I know I need to. I am doing the career builder and monster thing, but I am not pushing it like I should. In the long run I know that I will regret that if I lose my house.
> 
> thanks for the feedback.


Well your in my prayers Sportsman...that everything will work out and you'll find work soon enough....... keep the faith........


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Valentines day is coming up the first one in 17 years that I wont be spending it with my wife, this will be tough. I met my wife when she was 17, she is now 34, been with her half of her life. This fu**ing sucks..


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> Valentines day is coming up the first one in 17 years that I wont be spending it with my wife, this will be tough. I met my wife when she was 17, she is now 34, been with her half of her life. This fu**ing sucks..


Sportsman...
I know exactly how you feel friend... I am in almost the same boat as you... it has been 16 V-days for me and my stbxw... I dont know what I can offer as a suggestion to help make the day easier for you.... I will be spending the day with my daughter... I sent mine a card for the last time...... maybe you should do the same.... Best wishes buddy !!


----------



## stumped (May 16, 2008)

skinman said:


> Well Sportsman this is one thing I have learned that WW do when they leave us.. They make you feel that everything is your fault they guilt you into beliveing that it was in fact you that drove them away... Its a defense mechanism to help themselve cope with the guilt they are feeling.. Look up Gaslighting on google... I had never heard of it before all of this started in my life but thats exactly what your WW is doing to you... It was done to me and in a sense still is being done.


Interesting....that is what my husband did.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

So its Valentines day and I got my wife a card and an ice tea maker, thought it was something that she wanted plus I wasn't going to push roses down her throat. I also got something for my two girls. Well my wife gets the gift and does not say one word, not oh that was nice or kiss my ass or anything just ignores the fact that I got something. I thought that their might be a chance that the family would go out, the girls asked and she said maybe we can do that. But again I get my hopes up for nothing, she tells me that she is taking my daughters to the movies and then she is getting them a heart shaped pizza. I do not know why I allow her to push my buttons. I need to find the strength, the magic potion whatever to just turn it off around her so she does not see that she is getting to me. We were talking on the phone and I hung up on her, so now I am sure she is happy because she got to me and now I am the bad guy because I hung up on her. This is really wearing me down.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> So its Valentines day and I got my wife a card and an ice tea maker, thought it was something that she wanted plus I wasn't going to push roses down her throat. I also got something for my two girls. Well my wife gets the gift and does not say one word, not oh that was nice or kiss my ass or anything just ignores the fact that I got something. I thought that their might be a chance that the family would go out, the girls asked and she said maybe we can do that. But again I get my hopes up for nothing, she tells me that she is taking my daughters to the movies and then she is getting them a heart shaped pizza. I do not know why I allow her to push my buttons. I need to find the strength, the magic potion whatever to just turn it off around her so she does not see that she is getting to me. We were talking on the phone and I hung up on her, so now I am sure she is happy because she got to me and now I am the bad guy because I hung up on her. This is really wearing me down.



dude, be cool. the gift without reciprocation is the bomb. understand this: she knows you got her something. that is special whether she says anything of not. the thing about hangiong up on her...why??? why give her that sportsman? what did it help? don't man. if this is wearing you down, then take a breath and get away from the situation. but it's not supposed to be a battle of the wills. this is gonna suck anyway. your job is to make nice.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Well my wife finally agreed to go out with me tomorrow, I gave her the option of lunch or dinner and she said dinner. I am not expecting much and not sure how I will aproach this. Part of me wants to keep it light and say nothing about us. Part of me wants to tell her that I miss her and want us to be together. Part of me wants to say that I am tired of the way that she is treating me and maybe we should get a divorce. I do believe that the only reason that she agreed to talk to me is because she is expecting me to tell her that I am done. Its only my gut talking but that is what I think. I have to do some thinking about this and if I can get anyone to respond before tomorrow night (its Sunday 4pm right now west coast time) I could really use the feedback. So anyone and everyone please help and guide me through this.. Thanks in advance, Skin I am talking to you as well. :smthumbup:


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

small talk...no heavy stuff about your relationship...make friends again...don't look desparate...i believe things will work out alright if you let them...she did agree to have dinner with you. expect no more, don't build this huge reconciliation scenario in your head. have fun, laugh, have a good time.


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

:iagree:

No relationship talk at all! Date her tomorrow night. Pretend in your own mind that you don't have a past with this woman. Act as though this is your first date with her. Woo her. Don't get too heavy with romance, just be simply charming...no more, no less. 

Your 2 words for the evening are SIMPLE & CHARMING!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

It does not matter anymore, we had a blow up tonight at my house she wanted my son to go with her and i didn't, she then called the cops and said that I pushed her hoping that I would get in trouble and my son would go with her. He saw everything and told the cops the truth, so now she is saying that we are done and she is filing for divorce. I guess I knew it was coming just not in this way. There is more to this story but I am not in the mindset to write about it. The one cop told me to protect myself because he felt that she was making stuff up to get me in trouble. I guess her story got bigger as she told it.


----------



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Hey there...hold strong...and be careful. If she is throwing our accusations to get you in legal trouble you need to take a big step back and do what you need to do for yourself and for your children. Now might be a good time to start meeting in public to exchange the kids, or make sure a family member or friend is always present, just for your protection. It won't be fun, but it may be necessary.

Good luck and stay strong. She is making a lot of big mistakes, but there is nothing you can do to change her and her choices. Just remain friendly without letting her walk on you, and hope that someday she will come to her senses.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Thanks for the input, she is getting off of work early today she told my son that she needed to go and look into medical since I lost my job. She told my son not to tell me because I will think she is doing something else. The fact is I believe she knew he would tell me and wants me to think that she is indeed applying for some medical aid where in fact she is filing for divorce and custody. I guess there is nothing I can do about what she does, she has been acting crazy for awhile. I am having a hard time dealing with all of this, I am suprised at myslef because I consider myself a strong person but between the job, house and marriage issues I am flailing. I want to just shoot myself in the face and get it over with.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> Thanks for the input, she is getting off of work early today she told my son that she needed to go and look into medical since I lost my job. She told my son not to tell me because I will think she is doing something else. The fact is I believe she knew he would tell me and wants me to think that she is indeed applying for some medical aid where in fact she is filing for divorce and custody. I guess there is nothing I can do about what she does, she has been acting crazy for awhile. I am having a hard time dealing with all of this, I am suprised at myslef because I consider myself a strong person but between the job, house and marriage issues I am flailing. I want to just shoot myself in the face and get it over with.



Hang in there Sportsman...
I know where you are coming from buddy.. seeing all your dreams and plans for the future walking out the door.. all your hopes for your son growing up in a normal family setting is all but over... its tough... damn tough but it will get easier I can promise you that.. I for one have been a wreck for the past 3 months there wasnt a day that didnt go by where my emotions didnt fail me.. thoughts of suicide and all the terrible other things that cross your mind. It will be tough for a while and I wont sugar coat it for you but you have to believe in yourself.. You have to know that God doessn't give you anything today that you cant handle..

There will be dyas when you dont feel like doing much.. I turned to the bottle... big mistake it only made things worse.. But you kow ... One day I put on my big boy boxers and said to myself... If she dont want me someone else will be happy to have.... what one will abuse another can use.. Remember that man.. I know how you feel.. there are still days when my emotions get the best of me but you know what... She will not beat me down.. *NO MAN OR WOMAN ARE WORTH YOUR TEARS AND THE ONE'S THAT ARE !!!! WONT MAKE YOU CRY !!!*

Try and remeber that and know that it will get better... PM me anytime you want to chat i would be happy to give you my cell and we could talk..... Your in my thoughts and prayers Sportman.......... Dont let her win friend !!!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> Hang in there Sportsman...
> I know where you are coming from buddy.. seeing all your dreams and plans for the future walking out the door.. all your hopes for your son growing up in a normal family setting is all but over... its tough... damn tough !!!


Yeah,

I have three kids with my wife, my 15 year old son who lives with me because he saw how my wife acted and did not want to go with her. My 8 year old daughter who spends the night two or three nights a week comes over before school since her school is near me. Finally my 4 year old daughter who stays with me during the day while my wife works. My wife works just down the street from her at a pre school. So we are always close. Today she told my son that she did not file for "divorce" today, I guess we will see. I think I need to get away from here for a while and try to get my mind straight its hard to get focosed on the things I need to when I am feeling so bad. But I wont have a home here shortly if I do not get back to work, so I have got to focus on that.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I saw an email that was sent to my wife. It was a divorce attorney sending her the paperwork to fill out for a divorce. Oh my god, I do not know what to do, I dont think I am going to make it through this.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman,
hang in there friend.... You will get through this and know that your kids need you at this point.. Be strong for them and know that you have no control over what the ex does... try and remember that, take care of yourself during this time... Its not the end of the world... though it may seem that way you will come out of this a much stronger person.... Have faith !!!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

So I saw an email that my wife got from an attorney that had attachments to fill out for a divorce. I told her that a friend saw her at the attorneys office and told me. She admitted going there but said she has not decided if she is going to file so I guess that is good. On the other hand she continues to not speak to me about what is going on and is mean and rude most of the time. I still think there is a guy but there is no proof and she denies it. The thing that gets me still after almost six weeks of separation, is I still do not know what the hell is going on. I have written her some emails and she does not respond, I asked her why and she says the words don't mean anything to her. I think my wife is whacked out, I have no other explanation for her behavior. I am at my mental end with her, as I think about the past I did not do anything to deserve this mess that she has put me through or how mean she is. Like I said what makes this so hard for me is her flat out refusal to speak to me about it. Are any of you dealing with that situation? If yes what are you doing about it because it is really getting to me. 

thanks


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman said:


> Are any of you dealing with that situation? If yes what are you doing about it because it is really getting to me.
> 
> thanks


Sportsman,

I am getting the same thing from mine friend... All she ever say when we do talk about it that it was all my fault... Mine has found someone else to keep her mind off of things most likely he was always there even though she had denied it.. Its to the point now where she is telling her family that I am harassing her and fears for her life... Her family knows me and knows that I would never in my lifetime hurt her......... Deep dowm she knows it too but its just trying to make me still look like the bad guy....... What can you do friend stay strong and know that this will all pass...... hopefully in the edn you will be a much better man and you will realize that you are better off without her...

Skin


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I was hoping to hear a bit more from some of you that are going through the same thing as me. Where the wife or husband for that matter, broke up the family and I still do not know really why. She barely talks to me, is always angry, is now talking about divorce. I believe she has painted a picture in her head of what she "thinks" is going on, shares that picture with her family and or friends and they tell here what she wants to hear. By doing this it gives her the strength to act like she does. I mean we have a 4 year old daughter and she acts like this break up is no big deal. She says the kids will adjust. My son who lives with me who is 15 barely talks to her and she has worked it out that , that is also my fault. When in fact he just sees her and how she acts and makes his own decisions. Either way, I do not know how to deal with this. We were supposed to go to dinner to talk about things and two days before she starts a fight over the phone for no reason so we would not go. I want to just walk away but it is hard, I still love her and the thought of her with someone else causes me to freak. Like I have said in other posts it makes me believe that she is seeing someone but I have no proof and she denies it so what the hell. Some feedback from all you nice folks would be helpful.

thanks


----------



## goinknutts (Jan 13, 2009)

Man that sounds like a carbon copy of my crap! before vday she wants a divorce,want talk to me about nothing.then a week later she wants to go to dinner??whats up with that??so last friday she wants a divorce again.then calls me up at 12;00 sat night wants to come see me??and like an idiot i let her,and wouldnt you know it? want talk to me again by tuesday?:scratchhead:so i think ive finally decided to stop being her door mat.and refuse to play her game.but when i ask her what are WE doing SHE DOSENT KNOW!! she seems to have gotten past all the anger though,she quit finding reasons to get mad at me,maybe its certain phases they go through,but if your instincts tell you theres somebody else youd better listen.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman,

you know my situation from reading my thread. Your wife is acting the same way mine did. All that i ever heard come out of her mouth was words of hate and never loved you and its all your fault. She swore up and down that there was no one else that it was me that caused our marriage to collapse........ Well since then i have found out there is someone else... your situation sounds so much like mine...do some digging around have her followed or follow her yourself and you may find the answer... The reason for the anger and hatread is their justifing their actions and making you look like the bad guy mine has gone so far as to tell her family that I am not helping with the mortgage or with my daughters expenses... I give her close to a 1000$ a month to help her with the bils and such...

As for why you may never know.... Look at the post walkaway wives.... you will learn a lot from that forum that what is going on is not your fault and your wife makes you believe that it is you........ Its her justifying it to herself and anyone else that will listen....... In my situation all of her family knows that she is lying through her teeth and are disappointed with her but blood always come first....... Do whats best for youself now and dont worry about her..... It should all be about you getting a life without her... I am so much better these days with regards to my emotions I can clearly see what type of person my wife has become and its not someone i want in my life........

Good luck friend and contact me when you want....

Skin


----------



## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

wow seems like we are all at the same spot. my wife is really mad, and spending time with a male friend(yah rite). she will not even talk to me. has not since we split. at least she will talk to you.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

stillhurtin said:


> wow seems like we are all at the same spot. my wife is really mad, and spending time with a male friend(yah rite). she will not even talk to me. has not since we split. at least she will talk to you.


She only talks to me if it suites her. She loves to start fights for no reason and acts like I am some beast. She has created this picture of me that is not true and tells her family and they believe her and tell her what she wants to hear. To be honest her family pisses me off, I have taken care of her for 16 years, produced three great kids, have always treated her with respect and her family saw that. Now that is in bazaro land they just skip over me like I am not there. Her piece of **** brother moved to Seattle three weeks after we did for no reason, ends up living with us for a total of maybe 7 months for free, do I get a thank you from her family? No! Now she is in an apartment with her brother living there paying half, he was always a thorn in my side. He was a slob, ate everything and my wife stuck up for him like he was her kid, it is ridicules. I am sure that we are going to get a divorce and I am almost, and I mean almost to the point that I am going to be OK with it. We were talking today, well arguing and she was saying stuff like how I never did this and never did that. I said excuse me that was you, I always did nice things for you and showed you that I loved you, you were the one who never acted like you cared. I also told her that she never went out of her way to show me that she loved me, all she could say is ahh well, whatever. Maybe this is for the best, she is a beautiful women who I thought I would spend my entire life with, but she has turned into someone that I do not even recognize. So maybe its for the best that I just let her go. I am sure that there is someone out there who wants a guy like me.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

So my wife and I finally had a long talk where she tried to tell me why she feels the way that she does, though I told her I understood, I don't. She brings up things that happened a long time ago, no cheating or abuse, just stuff like I did not go to bed with her at 9pm instead I stayed up with the kids. She acknowledged that my way was going out of my way to buy her nice things, set up a spa day, get a new cat that was a huge hassle, jewelry whatever. She says what she wanted was me to just say that I loved her (which I did) she just does not remember. She said that she knows that my way is to try and woo her with gifts and it was, I always tried to surprise her with something nice somethings special. I sent her on an all womens cruise two months after our third child was born. I stayed home for three days and took care of our daughter while she went on a cruise and was pampered the entire time. I thought she deserved it. Now she is saying that is not what she wanted from me:scratchhead: During this conversation I put all my feelings on the table, even cried a bit which is not like me but I want her and our family back so I am trying to be as honest with me feelings as possible. She reluctantly agreed to see a counselor at our church but never asks about the status or seems to care about when it is. The other night after that talk my 8 year old daughter had a school function, her school is walking distance for me, my wife who lives about five miles away had to drive. I do not have a car right now because I lost my company car when I lost my job. My wife could have picked me and my son up on the way but never offered, leaving us to walk in the rain, we live in Washington (near Seattle) So that night we have a pretty good conversation even though I was pissed and she asked why I thought we should get back together if I take the kids out of the equation. I told her all the reasons and she seemed receptive. Anyway it was my weekend to have the kids and I asked her to take the kids on Friday because i had to take care of something. She refused claiming she had plans. My 15 year old son barely talks to her and was willing to go to her place. She said she was busy and what that busy was, was she went shopping with her 19 year old girl friend. A friend that works with her. Saturday night she had more plans, I guess its her company party, last year I went this year she did not even tell me about it. Friday night I had called her three times to discuss something important and she just blew me off. She told my son that she was home but never checked the phone, that she checked the messages in the morning, heard that they were from me and still chose not to call me back. The bottom line in my mind is she has no intention of working things out with me, the whole counseling thing is so she can say she did it. I also think that she is trying to live her late teen years again, we got married when she was 18 and she is 34 now. I just feel that she is going to crash and burn, her 19 year old friend has a boyfriend and I still believe she is seeing someone even though I have zero proof and her mom who I believe is honest told me that she was not. Another bothering issue is her family just shut me out after 15 years of marriage like I am some bad guy. I have taken care of their sister, daughter whatever and my kids for 16 years, you would think that it would count for something but apparently not. I do not want to let go but I feel like I am near the bottom. My wife is so beautiful and the thought of her with someone else kicks my ass. But I cant keep taking this from her. I guess we should go to the church and speak to the pastor who offered to help us and see where that takes us. You take the marriage issue, the loss of my job and most likely the loss of my home because of no job and this really sucks major penis. I felt like I took a step forward with my wife this week then two steps back this weekend. One thing I know is very clear is that all she cares about is herself. I am sorry for the long rant but it was heavy on my mind and I needed to write it. Any comments would as always be appreciated....


----------



## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Okay Sportsman, I hate to say it, but you really need to get off her email. If I knew you were reading MY emails, I'd be pissed that you were not respecting my privacy. Plus, unless she has given you a real reason not to trust her, she deserves her husband's trust.

That said, I'm sorry she is being cruel to you. I'm sure that it hurts terribly to hear that it is your fault. I felt the same way when I first left my husband (10 months ago). He has given me complete space and respect since I left. It is the very best thing he could have done. In fact it will probablly be the saving grace for our marriage. I have had time to reflect on not only his shortcomings in our marriage, but also mine. That took time... time for me to get past anger... time for me to de-stress... time for me to really reflect... and most importantly, time for me to miss him. 

Perhaps the best thing you can do is give her space... complete space. 

I only speak from my experience. I don't know what will work for you. You definately need to try to do SOMETHING different because what you are doing now is not working. Take a step back and reflect. Good luck!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

MrsConfused said:


> Okay Sportsman, I hate to say it, but you really need to get off her email. If I knew you were reading MY emails, I'd be pissed that you were not respecting my privacy. Plus, unless she has given you a real reason not to trust her, she deserves her husband's trust.
> 
> That said, I'm sorry she is being cruel to you. I'm sure that it hurts terribly to hear that it is your fault. I felt the same way when I first left my husband (10 months ago). He has given me complete space and respect since I left. It is the very best thing he could have done. In fact it will probablly be the saving grace for our marriage. I have had time to reflect on not only his shortcomings in our marriage, but also mine. That took time... time for me to get past anger... time for me to de-stress... time for me to really reflect... and most importantly, time for me to miss him.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the feedback, all of it is welcome. Being unemployed for the first time in my life since beginning to work and the house issue is playing on me as well. I am sure if I were busier with things like work, I would not be home thinking about how I am getting ready to get a divorce.


----------



## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> I am sure if I were busier with things like work, I would not be home thinking about how I am getting ready to get a divorce.


I feel for you there. I work full time, have a child to take care of, housework, etc., but still am not busy enough to not think about my marriage situation constantly. I keep finding reasons to see/speak to my DH. I know I should back off a bit and I am determined not to call/go see him today. Even though I was the one that left, WE are the ones that have to get back together, which means I don't have the right (or ability) to just say, "Okay, breaks over, I'm ready to try now." I have to respect his time frame now, just like he respected mine when I left (10 months ago). 

I hope you have a great day today and can focus on you and your kids, your future employment, etc. Anything but invading her privacy by getting into her email account.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

MrsConfused said:


> I hope you have a great day today and can focus on you and your kids, your future employment, etc. Anything but invading her privacy by getting into her email account.


Thanks for the words, I spend soooo much time thinking of her and how to get her back that I am sure that I am not doing things that would be more productive. I do spend alot of time with my kids and we have fun together so I believe I am ok there. But my mind is in such shambles that I get very little sleep and can't focus on myself, job, house etc. I am not a weak person but I feel weak right now. My wifes mom flew in to spend time with her and to be honest that does not work in my favor. Her mom has been married three times, has cheated on her husbands, has left her current husband now maybe 6 times, he finally had enough and cheated on her, and then she gets back with him. My wife does not act like that, but leaving and running away from problems is something her mom has done and my wife is doing the same thing. So her being here I am sure is working against me. I wish I could just stop thinking of all of these things, get focused on me and my life, give my wife her space and hope for the best but that is not my style. I am a fixer and right now in my life I cant fix anything. I know that god helps those who helps themselves but it has been pure hell ever since I moved here and I just need a break, I swear I am going to crack up, I am worn very thin, my thoughts are getting worse and worse.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Sportsman,

I'm really feeling for you. I'm also very worried about your dark thoughts. I know what you are feeling and thinking. I had a very dark day yesterday and had some really nasty thoughts. If I can give you a few pieces of advice. 

1. Get yourself some help ASAP. Talk with your pastor or a professional therapist. You must do that conisitently for you and your children. They are the most important thing in your life at this point. Get yourself some help number 1 goal at this point.

2. Focus on finding a job. You must do your best to find something that will provide the income that you'll need to keep a roof over you and your kids heads. Plus it will help you get out of bed and also help you to start showing your wife that you are doing something with yourself and not sitting home thinking about her all the time. Reverse the roles for a second and think to yourself if you would want to go back to someone that is depressed and isn't doing anything for themselves. You really need to start living your life by yourself and for your kids.

3. Try and stop contacting your wife. Respond to her if she txt's, calls or emails. This is not a game like some people make it out to be. This is something that you must do for yourself to gain back some self respect for yourself. No matter what happens with your marriage you have to be able to an independent person again. You have to be an attractive person to your wife or anyone else in the future. Right now you are asking your wife all these questions and giving her gifts and really just pushing her away. It's time to stop that and think to the future and not the past. 

I know all of this is the hardest thing that you'll have to do. It's exaclty what I'm trying to do right now. My wife does txt me that she loves me and calls me baby but her actions aren't showing that at all. Try your damndest to get yourself going for your kids. They will respect you more in the end and you will be the bigger person for it in the long run. I know that all sounds very run of the mill tall but it's the truth. 

Sportsman, get yourself some help NOW or you will not be able to move on in the long run.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

sinatra said:


> Sportsman, get yourself some help NOW or you will not be able to move on in the long run.



thanks for the words, you are right and I need to get the train running again. I have spoken to the pastor of my church so that part I have done. My wife does not text me or tell me that she loves me so you have that, but it sounds like you are dealing with alot of bad stuff yourself. I hope all goes well for you and thanks again for the words.


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi Sportsman.....I very much understand what you are going thru. My H left me on April 2 for the second time. I know where you are at with the dark thoughts because I am there myself. My situation is a little bit different, you can read my posts to get the details so I won't go into it here. You at least have your kids so you can focus on them and the other posters have some positive suggestions too. I have had to stay on this board all day for my sanity. I have no one to talk to so it's here or nothing. I am glad that we have this place to vent and others that will listen. I am trying to take each day as I can but I cannot afford the wait out too much longer due to my health. Just come here and post if you can't do anything else. It hurts to watch a long term marriage fall apart...mine is 16 years coming up on 17 in May although I may celebrate it alone.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

toomanytears said:


> Hi Sportsman.....I very much understand what you are going thru. My H left me on April 2 for the second time. I know where you are at with the dark thoughts because I am there myself. My situation is a little bit different, you can read my posts to get the details so I won't go into it here. You at least have your kids so you can focus on them and the other posters have some positive suggestions too. I have had to stay on this board all day for my sanity. I have no one to talk to so it's here or nothing. I am glad that we have this place to vent and others that will listen. I am trying to take each day as I can but I cannot afford the wait out too much longer due to my health. Just come here and post if you can't do anything else. It hurts to watch a long term marriage fall apart...mine is 16 years coming up on 17 in May although I may celebrate it alone.



Thanks for your words I will have been married for 16 years on May 25th. Last Friday I was given the divorce papers, my wifes mom who told me she flew here to help us paid for it. I now have to find a divorce attorney, while dealing with a bankruptcy attorney and I do not have the money for none of it. If it were not for my kids I would have already ended my life. I am so low, so down and I do not see a way out of it. I know alot you feel how I feel and care and will tell me that killing myself is not the answer, to think about my kids. I know, I know but I am telling you that I am so close to giving up that I even called the suicide hotline today. I am a strong person who has had plenty of money and had over 500 people working for me and now I am nothing. Praying does not help, talking to family does not help, drinking does not help. I know that I am just throwing myself a big huge pity party but I can't help it and I can't get out of it. Just let me give you an example of how much my fun my wife is having at my expense. My four year old daughter used to go to pre school when both my wife and I worked. My wife works at this pre school which is at the end of our block. Since I lost my job in October I have spent everyday at least Monday thru Friday with my four year old. My wife would bring her over in the morning before work and we would hang out, play, watch her shows, go to the McDonalds whatever. Some nights my wife would pick her up after work (this part is after we separted in january) and other nights my daughter would spend the night. (I have three kids, my 15 year old son lives with me) So I have been spending alot of fun quality time with my daugther since I lost my job. Now I need to be working but at least I was enjoying my time off with my little girl. Friday I get the divorce papers, with a nasty rude email, then on Monday I go down stairs to wait for my four year old who never shows up. I called my wife at work and said that she thought my daughter needed to go back to pre school so she enrolled her back. No conversation with me, no what are your thoughts nothing. I am sure her mother paid for that as well. So now I am dealing with a divorce right in my face and my four year old is back in preschool. I am telling you that I am at the end, I should just stop talking about it, get it over with and then my wife can just be proud of herself that she won everything. Nobody needs to reply to this, it does not matter. Thanks for reading though..


----------



## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Sportsman, I have never replied on any of your threads although I have read them a couple of times. I felt compelled to respond and to try to offer some words of encouragement. I hope that posters who often respond to you hear will also chime in because they know your situation better than me.

I'm worried by what you are posting here. Please find someone to talk to or better yet find a friend or family member to stay with for a few days as you work through this dark time. 

I know it seems hopeless right now but there are people/places that can help you out. There are legal aid foundations for your legal matters and counselors that will meet with you for low/no cost.

This economy sucks and when your marriage ends at the same time I know it probably feels like you have nowhere to turn. 

I don't know what else I can say to help you but please don't give up. Your children love you and need you!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I finally went a saw a divorce attorney, my wife filed so I could have just signed the papers. For the most part it was ok but there were things that I did not agree with so I felt like I needed to have my voice heard. An example is she was asking for child support for my son who lives with me. That does not make sense. One thing, well there are alot of things that bother me, but I read how people have been separated for months and have yet to file for divorce. My wife left January 17, 2009, its May and she filed already. I just found out that she told my daughter that they were only going to be gone for a short time, work things out and then come back. She never worked on anything, never gave me hope, and if I remember correctly she was only nice to me on her birthday in February, but the kids and I spoiled her that day. I actually thought that was a turning day for us and we were heading in the right direction, but two days later she was mean and abusive with her words like normal. Our Wedding Anniversary is the the 25th of May and I am not sure how I am going to handle this. I am so depressed, barely sleep, and when I do I am awaken by dreams and thoughts of her with someone else. Its been four months and I am not any better then I was when she left. She treats me like dirt, wont speak to me, does all her talking to me through the kids. It makes me still think that she is seeings someone but again there is no proof and she denies it. Her and my son do not talk, he wrote her an email and asked her to please just try with me (He did this on his own) she responded with a letter saying that everything is my fault and she is not going to try for anyone. She asked him if he was going to not talk to her because of this, he said no he wasnt going to talk to her and she said fine. I made him spend mothers day with her and I gave him money to take her and my girls out to lunch. I guess they got into it again and he wanted to come home. She blames me for his behavior, she blames me for everything. We had a quick face to face the other day, I stayed polite and nice and during the conversation she made a statement that she hated me and said that she will keep the girls close because for some reason they like me. WTF?? I am telling you all the truth, I was a good husband, I was not perfect, but she was a home owner at 21. I traded in a brand new civic I had bought when we first got together and got her a brand new camry. Since then, she has had everything she wanted. Louis Viutton bags, coach bags, jewlery, A Brand new home, etc, etc. Those are just things, but I also would suprise her with a spa day for herself after a long week, sent her on two cruises, one a month after our third child was born. Again I am not perfect, I would some times get into football too much on Sunday and wanted to stay home and watch the game instead of going out with the family, however on Saturday we always went out and did things. When we lived in California, I coached my sons baseball and basketball team, was on the board of directors, umpired regular and all star games. If I was off work during the week, I would pick my wife up and take her to lunch, just because. I have pictures and video showing that we were happy, but if you ask her, its been crap forever and its all my fault and she has done nothing wrong. Well my final act as her husband is I decided to make a movie of our 16 years of marriage and give it to her on our Anniversary. It will begin with a narration by me, have pictures of us when we first met, while inserting songs that we liked together. I will add in video of our times together, then add pictures and video of our three kids, holdidays, special events (trips) and then up to this point. It will be hard for me to make (sad) and harder to watch but it will be our life in a movie. She probably wont care and not watch it, but someday she will and maybe someday she will see we were better together. I have still have not found a job so I am not providing like I used to, I am sure that has something to do with her behavior, but if I am not mistaken the wedding vows said for better or worse, sickness and in health and for richer or poorer. Sorry for making this so long, I have not been on in awhile, I have been too down. I cant see past this crisis, when I look into the future and I see us apart and her with someone else I just dont want that future. I know I sound weak, the funny thing is I am not. I have always been a strong individual who has handled anything life has thrown at me. I felt as long as I have my family I can handle anything. Now that I dont have my family I feel like I cant handle anything. I am tired of my own pity party but I honestly cant seem to get past this, I am not sure what to do.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman,

hello friend... I am sorry to read about your situation not getting any better. I was hoping since we hadn't heard from you that maybe it was a good sign I am sorry its not... Listen man you need to be strong for your son and daughters... It will get better I know the pain that you feel thinking of your wife with someone else well I am living that at the moment. my stbxw has her boyfriend over my house sleeping in my bed and playing man of the house... You know its used to tear me up inside thinking about that but now it doesnt hurt as much. Like your wife mine has become nasty and vengeful towards me even after giving her the house... 

Its the guilt they feel or its someone else... My wife said the same things as yours that there was no one else.... its all lies Sportsman and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can begin to heal. You have read my story and seen all that I have gone through, I never thought that I ould get to the point of it not bothering me but i am close... You will be too... Cut off all communication to her thats doesnt deal with the kids... even if it does deal with them make it simple and to the point. The sooner you realize that she is not the woman you loved and married the better off you will be.....

You have to be strong, you tried man you tried harder than most.. take comfort in the fact that you did your best. LEarn from your mistakes.. we have all made them. I sat down and went over all the things that i thought I could have done better with in my marriage.. Sadly there were quite a few things on my list.. Do the same learn from this your life is not over and you will feel good again...... That I promise you... As for the movie dont do it man.... its only going to piss her off even more bringing up the good moments of your life.. if you want save that for later in life when maybe you to can have a civil relationship .... With my stbxw i dont think that will ever be possible... like you my anniversary is the 24 of May.. Keep your chin up buddy it will get better....

Dont think of her... I have tried to reprogram my thoughts whenever a thought of her comes into my mind I tell myself out loud "dont think of her she doesn't deserve your thoughts" it will take a while but belive me it helps....... Your in my thoughts and prayers Sportsman..... You will survive and you will be a better man for going through this.......


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Well like Skinman my anniversary came and went, it was Monday Memorial day. I spent the day thinking about us and I guess she spent the day thinking about everything but us. I just want to know when this is supposed to get easier. She left on Jan 17, 2009, its now May and I still feel just as bad as i did that day. Now I am dealing with home, financial and job issues but the only thing that consumes me is her. I cannot for the life of me move on, all I do is think about her, I still only sleep a few hours a night. I always knew how much she meant to me but this is ridicules. I still have not had the "knowing" that she is with someone else, when that happens I know I will flip. Going through this makes me not want to be with anyone again, even though a great friend who got divorced with a beautiful women gave me the opposite advice. He told me to start dating as soon as possible that the attention would make me feel better. I don't know, I am afraid the whole time I would be thinking about my wife and ruin the night. I just want the pain to go away. I still have coming the knowing of the other guy thing and the actual divorce to deal with I am afraid that this is not going to stop hurting for a long time. I can't even get through a day now without having a drink just to calm the mind. This is incredible. I know I am not the first or last person to go through this but I just wish for some relief......


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Well Sportsman... not only do we share cheating stbxw but we also share the same anniversary date.. what are the odds friends.. Listen buddy i know how bad you feel, and all the thoughts going through your head but you can control them... Did you read what i wrote in my previous response... Train the mind man.. its easier to do than you think.. You know you think of her so when you do tell yourself... "she is not worth your thoughts"

Do it everytime you think of her.... Everytime... after a while it becomes second nature and it definetely helps man... Come on buddy you can make it through this..... look at me I have turned my life around for the most part.. you have read my post and how sorry I was...... it gets better.. You have my number. !!! dont be afraid to use it....... anytime man i mean it... wake me up if you have to i'm here for you sportsman !!!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I know exactly what you're going through, My H left the 16th of Jan...it still sucks, it seems like I love him more everyday as opposed to loving him less. He is my world. I feel lost w/o him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him back and I already know about the other woman (there's been more than one but that just shows me he doesn't give a sh*t about them so it's not like he's out there creating something meaningful) I keep getting told it will get better and do you really want him back after what you "know" now? And the answer is yes


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Rhea said:


> I know exactly what you're going through, My H left the 16th of Jan...it still sucks, it seems like I love him more everyday as opposed to loving him less. He is my world. I feel lost w/o him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him back and I already know about the other woman (there's been more than one but that just shows me he doesn't give a sh*t about them so it's not like he's out there creating something meaningful) I keep getting told it will get better and do you really want him back after what you "know" now? And the answer is yes


I am sorry to hear about your situation but I know what you mean. I don't know for sure my wife is cheating, I have not proven it and the kids have not seen anything. But I do believe she is. I found out that she bought three baseball tickets for this coming Monday night but told the kids that she had a CPR class and needed them to stay with me. The odd thing is she got three tickets, the part where I believe she is cheating is she is lieing about it. I know her yearly CPR class is on Saturday. Either way she is lieing because she has something to hide. I want to believe that if I found out that she was cheating that I could let go. But I am afraid after I got through all the thoughts of her being with this guy that I would want her back as well. But then again, that is taboo with me. Its not going to matter soon anyway because the divorce should be final in the near future and then she can morally do whatever she wants.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I get this email from my wife letting me know that her job which is a pre school will be having its end of year picnic and asked me and my son to go with her and the girls in her words she said it will be fun. Well I get all excited because not once since she left in January has she offered to anything like that. So I pause and smile and think, maybe things are going to get better. I continue to read the email where she asks me to sign the divorce papers because there is no need to pro long it. Ouch, so much for that good feeling. I decided not to go, but the girls kept asking me so I did. My son who does not talk to his mom did not want to go but I talked him into it. He would not sit by her or talk to her. Though I know he should be nicer I have to admit that part of me likes that he is giving her a hard time so she can feel what I am feeling. Being treated like crap for no reason. At the picnic, she really did not talk to me and I did not talk to her. Later though we talked on the phone and she was nicer even though upset about the way my son acted. The next day we talked for a few minutes and she was nice again, I started thinking that she must need a heart transplant and was hoping to get mine. I am sure it means nothing, I am going to ask her out to dinner (we have not gone since she has left) if she says no then I will know that nothing has changed. Just to be clear I do tell my son to visit his mom but he refuses, and I dont make him because of the way she acts to all of us. 

Thought I would update everyone on my latest interaction. If I sign the papers the divorce would be final in July.


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I had to chuckle about the heart transplant comment, lol. I doubt you'd get a positive response about your dinner invitation. You could try but be prepared to be turned down. I think she may just being nice until she gets your signature on the papers. I can't figure on why she would want you at her company picnic? That is very strange.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Yeah the picnic thing throws me off. Sounds like she wanted to put on a show for her co-workers....how selfish of her considering she's the one preventing the show from continuing on.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sportsman,

if you were to write down a list of the reasons that make your wife desirable to you and then list how she has treated and responded to you over the last few months, you will have the contradictions of your circumstances down in black and white.

What I have often found cruel about this entire process is that by displaying your hopes and vulnerabilities to your partner in the hope of reconnecting - it only succeeds in pushing them further away. She gets stronger as you get weaker. For your own sake, and that of your kids, why would you _choose_ to perpetuate that?

There will come a time when this is behind you. Believe that. Just keep going.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

toomanytears said:


> I had to chuckle about the heart transplant comment, lol. I doubt you'd get a positive response about your dinner invitation. You could try but be prepared to be turned down. I think she may just being nice until she gets your signature on the papers. I can't figure on why she would want you at her company picnic? That is very strange.


One thing I may have left out, my 4 year old goes to this pre school, so her inviting me could have been because my daugther goes there. The comment about being nice so I will sign the papers may be real. One other new note. My son asked to speak to her without me knowing and told her that he had over heard us talking on the phone about the posibility of counseling. He asked if she was serious about that and she told him that she was considering it. He said, you know that is my biggest complaint here, that you left without even trying to keep the family together. She said I know. So he continues to say that if she does this it would help their relationship. She quickly asks, well what happens if we go and it does not work? Will we (him and her) be ok? He says, it depends if you are going just to say you did then no we will not be ok, if you go and really try and it just does not work out then I will understand. So he tells me this which brought a little hope to me. However this was last week and she has not bothered to bring it up to me once. So I am at the point where I think she just said that to my son in hopes that it would lighten his mood on her when in fact she has no plans to try and fix this. I still dont think she is seeing anyone but I do believe she is enjoying the freedom of going out and doing things. Her friends are all super young 18-22, she is 35. The funny things is all her friends (all 3 or 4 of them) are either married or dating so its not like she is hanging out with a bunch of single friends. I just need to let go of the hope.

One point on what Deejo said, you are right, I have a journal that I keep and when I review it, I can see that over the last several months she has been a serious demon to me. And I have tried everything I can to get us back together and the women wont even talk to me. I and my kids do not even have her cell phone number, so when she is not home we cannot get a hold of her if something is wrong. She is very selfish and If I am honest with myself, know that this will end in divorce.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Just an update of my weekend starting on Friday June 12th. Originally I was going to have the girls Saturday and Sunday but found out from my 8 year old that the girls were staying on Friday as well. Now believe me if I had my way I would have my girls everyday but it did bother me that on Friday morning I find out that they are staying. So I keep thinking that the reason for this is my wife must have made some plans. Friday evening my 8 year old called her mom to check in and asked her what she was going to do that night (this did not come from me) My wife told her she was going to clean the house, have dinner and watch TV. Well it was eating away at me and did what I have not done before and went to her apartment to see what was going on. I watched as a friend (a girl) came over and then the two of them dressed up and left in my wifes car. Pissed I went home. Just a note, the day before that my wife called me and told me that she was so sick and was wondering if I could take my girls to my 8 year olds school Carnival, I said sure and took the girls for about three hours. The next day she is out partying with her friend. On Saturday she told my 8 year old that another friend came over and spent the afternoon but she was home Saturday night (which I don't believe) Sunday night on her facebook page she posted that she had a "Fantastic Weekend" So here is what is bothering me so much. I remember one weekend that she had the girls on a Friday night, she posted on her facebook page "Home bored on a Friday night" The weekend she does not have the girls and is out with "friends" she posts that she had a great weekend. My wife is definitely enjoying her single life, she claims that its just with friends and it could be true but she has been caught lying to me, to my son and my daughter so its hard to know. On the other hand what did I do with my kids this week that I am talking about. Monday I had my 4 year old and took her to the doctor because she was sick. Tuesday the kids spent the night so I had them all day and nobody heard from my wife (none of us have her cell phone number she will not give it out) Wednesday she claimed to work late so I had the girls late, Thursday I took them to the Carnival. Friday they spent the night and we played outside and had a BBQ. Saturday I took them fishing and both the girls caught their first fish and then we went out to dinner. Sunday I took the kids to church and then we went to a local event that had vendors, food and rides by the lake. I spent every minute of my time with my kids. Now don't get me wrong I am not asking for a ribbon, I am supposed to do this and want to do this. It just bothers me that my wife is away, does not call, lies about what she is doing and has done, has not seen the kids for most of the week and posts that it was a great weekend for her. The term selfishness just keeps coming to mind. When I brought the girls back, my son walked them upstairs and he usually just drops them off and comes down without speaking with my wife. He was there longer so when he came back I asked what happened. He said that he had asked her about counseling, because he was following up on his previous conversation with her. He said that she said she was thinking about it and planned to call me that night to talk to me about it. She never did, she was too busy typing on facebook how great her weekend was. I keep thinking about that Tracy Lawrence song where he says " I got it through my head I just cant break it to my heart" That is where I am at, I know we are done and that if she wanted to go to counseling that she would have said something. I feel that she is cheating, though I have no proof, and I know that she is simply talking to my son about counseling because it opens the door for her to talk to him. She knows that he is trying to get her to try to work things out with us and she has not tried so if she acts like she might try he is nicer to her. I know we are done, but I need to get out of this quick sand and quit waiting for her to come back with a rope to pull me out. Once I can figure out how to move on, I will be better. This just needs to happen soon, we have been separated for 6 months with little to no contact, you would think I would be past it by now... One last note, my 8 year old called me before she went to bed and told me that my 4 year old told my wife that she wants to live with daddy forever. My wife said why, she said because I love him and have fun with him. My wife responded, well we will see. Now she has lied to all of us..


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I'm just glad to hear you are angry rather than sad... that means you are moving past the worst of it.

Being a man who ran such a large concern, it sounds like you need a goal. Set something up for yourself to focus on, maybe that involves new people to expand your circle. It may feel a little forced at first but it would be a positive thing. It sounds like you're getting there,

S


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I am sooooo stupid, I allowed my feelings for my wife to get in the way of rational thinking. My wife, ex, whatever has been nice the last few days as far as talking to me, more about the tone then anything else. This Thursday she is flying to Las Vegas to see her older sister get married for the third time (she is 38) I am not upset that she is going to the wedding since she should go but in the last 17 years we have never been to Las Vegas without each other, we were married there. So I am a little sad about the fun she will have without me. Anyway she asked me if she could "Borrow, give, loan out" whatever some money because she is low on cash. She also told me that she had been thinking that even though our divorce could be final in a few weeks that she has had some time to think (its been six months) and thinks that we should go to counseling at least once and see if that goes well and if it does then we can go again. I put my hands up, starting bouncing around, got so excited (since my arms are attached to strings and she is in control of them) I said sure and gave her money that I do not have so she could go to Las Vegas without me and have a great time. WTF!! This all happened today as far as giving her the money, then I get a call from a friend who is a friend on myspace with my wife. She asked me if our divorce is final, I said no, why? She said, because E has her status as divorced. Great!! This was all a ploy from her, tell me she will go to counseling so I will get happy and give her money for Vegas. Now I need to decide if I should go to this counseling session or not. My belief is, she will go because she said she would, but will say after that she didnt feel it and still wants the divorce. Now if I don't go, i will wonder if I should have and she will say that she was willing to go but I backed out. Bottom line is she has moved on, she acts like a single person and is still in control of me because I cannot move on. Today, when I gave her the money she gave me a kiss on the lips for the first time in many months, I thought it was a true sign of we might have a shot before the divorce is final, now I feel it was simply the kiss of death. I wish I could move on, move past her, I cant belive how weak I am about this, its not me but I am and she knows it. Anyway, I wonder how many times I am going to be punched in the face before I learn to duck..


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hey...don't beat yourself up so much. Give it some time, she what she actually does do then go from there. She if she keeps being nice. If you still have feelings and hope then just take it VERY SLOW, she could be trying to take it slow as well. Don't be down until given a reason to be. Maybe just maybe this is a door being opened. Just be cautious and not jump in w/both feet. My relationship statu has been single on MySpace for quite some time now. It has nothing to do w/the finality of my divorce. Just something I felt had to be done as to other things that were happening at the time.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

My wife gets back from her Vegas trip tomorrow I will see how she acts. She only called once and that was to my 8 year old. Does not sound like a person that is serious about going to counseling with an open mind. She was with her mother the entire time so that does not look good either. I will post a comment on how she acts when she gets back and if we go to counseling what happened. I believe she will go and either say why she will not get back with me or will simply say that she went, feels nothing and its over. I know I am not very optimistic but then again she has not given me any reason to be. I will let you all know that read my posts what happens.

Thanks for reading and being there for me through this very difficult time.


----------



## CrushedInNY (May 24, 2009)

Ugh. It sounds like you have it worse off than me. I may just be in a temporary "denial" period after 6 weeks of Monique being gone, but in the last few days I've been sleeping a bit better. You sound though like you're for the most part in the same place emotionally ever since February, which is a hellish long time to feel that way mentally.


----------



## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

this is probably a foolish man talking...the way i am handling it. As long as I still love my wife and wants to get back together, i can give up everything...so i keep reminding me not to find out if she is cheating, or if she is playing a game, etc because it really doesn't matter. i have to think positive if i want to be with her together 

on the other hand, one day if i decided there is no hope. then it also doesn't matter what happened because i shouldn't care anymore

it doesn't make much sense. does it. yes. does sounds like a fool


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I have been away from the site dealing with stuff I will send an update on what has happened since my wife got back from Vegas, i will give you a hint though, nothing good!! The difference is that even though I still feel bad and don't want her to be with someone new, her treatment of me is unnecessary, unfounded and not needed. She is not the same person I married and that is on her. She has not changed for the better, she really has turned into someone that I would never want to be with. If I met this person when we met except for her beauty I would have never looked at her again. More details to come.....


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sport's,
Glad your back with us buddy... I had been wondering about you and wishing you were ok.. Isn't it such a relief when the Rose colored glasses come off and you see them for what they have become ??? its almost liberating my friend.. I am pleased to hear from you.. drop a line and keep me posted..

Best wishes...
Skin


----------



## ls878 (Jul 2, 2009)

sportman!
i'm in suspence! i'm wondering if i have rose colored glasses too like skinman mentioned. hmmmm....


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The advice here has helped me a bunch. See my thread When Love Must Be Tough. This has helped me back off from my husband who so desperately wanted OUT of the marriage.

It goes against our nature but it sure gets them to thinking.

The MAIN thing here is working on yourself. It is very easy to overanalyze their movements and words. 

Get counseling (church, etc) for yourself and keep it up. Read some self help books. Focus on career skills or resume building or whatever to get you employed. Work out. Basically, do it for yourself. Show her you are moving on!!!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Have been off the site for a bit, the divorce is almost final. She went to a singles mingle the other night, told my daughter she was going bowling with friend. Had emailed me two days prior that she was not ready to date and was hurting that the divorce was almost final. I let my heart guard down a little just to have it smashed finding out that she was out looking for dates. I saw a picture on her friends facebook of them with two guys, one had his arm around my almost ex wife. This still still really hurts me and I still am having a huge amount of trouble moving on even after 8 months. She just seems like she enjoys the pain that puts on me.

I will be back on soon and go into more detail. God Bless Everyone on this site that is dealing with divorce and separation. I know how painful it is....


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sounds like she wants to still hang on...perhaps a safety net?


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Sounds like she wants to still hang on...perhaps a safety net?


I dont think she wants to hang on I think she just wanted to fu** with me because she knows that I still care and she does not. Still today after 8 months she refuses to admit in wrong doing on her part or act like there is any care at all. She had a conversation with my son who does not talk to her very much. From the beginning with him he has been upset that she just left without trying to fix the family. Anyway this past Sunday she talked to him and asked him if he loved her enough to just let this all go and he told her no.. She was so upset that the next day she posted on facebook that she was "happy how everything just works out".. WTF does that mean??? I am assuming she is excited about this guy or guys she met at the single's mingle the two days after she was telling me that she is emotionally drained and does not want to date anyone and has not dated anyone. But how can she be in a good mood when her 15 year old son told her that he does not love her enough to let this go. The bottom line is she just does not feel like she is wrong in any way. She acts like everything is my fault even why my son wont talk to her. When they were done talking she told him that the only reason he is like this to her is because of me. He looked at her and said you are out of your mind, the reason I am like this to you is because of you. Why dont you take responsibility for what YOU have done, and she wouldnt do it. She told him that what she does is not his business. You would think that after all she has done and the 8 months that have past that I would be ok. The thought of her with another guy drives me insane, I swear, I still have bad dreams and feel like my life is over, it is so crazy that I cannot get past this. I know I have to or die, but my god this has been so very very hard...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That is what happens when a spouse is selfish and irrational. The things/people that were MOST important to her are secondary.

What have you done to make yourself feel better during these times. I know it's difficult. Could you see yourself dating? Nothing serious but getting out there?


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> That is what happens when a spouse is selfish and irrational. The things/people that were MOST important to her are secondary.
> 
> What have you done to make yourself feel better during these times. I know it's difficult. Could you see yourself dating? Nothing serious but getting out there?


Funny that you mentioned that. I signed up on Match.com because I did not want to go thru the whole start up dating thing and have gone out with 10 different women. (Sounds crazy that I am freaking out that she might be dating when I have done the same) The difference is really, I go out to get my mind off of her, she is going out I believe to put herself out there. I have met some very nice attractive ladies who have liked me and we had fun, the problem, I thought about my wife/ex whatever almost the whole time. Thinking about when we used to go out and wishing it was her that I was with. There is one girl, who treats me better the my wife/ex ever did, I mean really sweet etc. I am not as attracted to her as my wife/ex but she is pretty and everything else about her is awesome. I cannot get past the fact that I still want my wife/ex, so I do not allow myself to really enjoy the company and then find a way to end it with these women before it turns into something more. Stupid, I know but I cant seem to move on. Really the thought of her with another dude haunts me, the thought of her spending time with another guy and my kids kills me. I struggle with trying to decide if this is normal and I will get over it in my own time and the other part of me thinks I should force myself to hate her to see if that will help. However that does not stop the heart from feeling like it does and having those dreams and thoughts of her with someone else. When I saw the picture of this dude with his arm around her, nothing big but for a picture at the singles mingle I almost had a heart attack and then a melt down. Thank god for Vodka that day... Anyway, its my problem I just need to figure out how to let go and how to handle all of that stuff.. Maybe when I meet the right person this will be easier but I think that I should not even try until I am at peace with all of this.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hey Sportsman, if it makes u feel any better its been 9 months since the ex and I split, our divorce was final in June and him being with other people kills me and haunts my dreams too, the ex and I do hang out here and there and that's probably most likely a majority of my problem and I probably just need to get away from him but I can't its so very hard when you still love someobe...I have tried to hate him but I can't and he's put my little heart through the ringer. Its crazy I don't know if he's fooling himself or if its its me fooling myself but it seems the two of us can't stay apart. 

Sorry off topic there a little but I just wantyou to know there's someone in your shoes in a similar situation who can understand your pain. I hope one day everything works out for the two of us. Keep talking. I wish I could talk more but I'm afraid if I laid the whole situation out there people on here would tell me I'm crazy lol!

Maybe one day I will there some crazy stories on here that would make mine seem not to bad in comparison, I don't know we'll see. 

You're in my prayers. It takes time. I'm not there yet either. 

Rhea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Thanks Rhea,

I do everything in my power not to see her because it ruins my entire day. If you want to put your feelings and stories down then you should especially if it will make you feel better Really, I should hate her for everything she has put me and the kids through, but the thought of her with someone else over powers everything. If it were not for my kids I would have been gone, as far away as I could go. Lets see I am in the North West, so I need to go to where England??? I thought we were forever and thats why I cannot let go, maybe a doctor could perform some type of surgery and remove all memories of her, man that would be the greatest thing ever, I might be able to sleep more then 5 hours a night and that is with xanax......


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey Sportsman,
I have read all your posts. Have been going through some similiar sh** over last 11 months.
Just about the sleeping tablets - 
I was the same I could never sleep for more than 4-5 hours with them - and I am also taking anti-depressants.

I don't know about you but I would take one and then wake up around 2am and then lie there with CRAZY thoughts running through my head until I got out of bed at 7am. I'd cry through every breakfast with my kids and scream through it if they were at their dad's. Not pretty.

Anyway I went cold turkey on the sleeping tablets - it was horrible - but I took up lost of exercise - lifting heavy weights etc. and eventually it has paid off - I am not saying I sleep a whole night through - but it is so much better than with the tablets -

You may know this but the symptoms of sleep deprivation are the same as depression...

my situation is far from resloved - and I still cry at least 2 or 3 times a day and scream when I am alone in the car - but I just wanted to let you know that I think the sleeping stuff was contributing to my bad feelings and not making things any better...........


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> Thanks Rhea,
> 
> I do everything in my power not to see her because it ruins my entire day. If you want to put your feelings and stories down then you should especially if it will make you feel better Really, I should hate her for everything she has put me and the kids through, but the thought of her with someone else over powers everything. If it were not for my kids I would have been gone, as far away as I could go. Lets see I am in the North West, so I need to go to where England??? I thought we were forever and thats why I cannot let go, maybe a doctor could perform some type of surgery and remove all memories of her, man that would be the greatest thing ever, I might be able to sleep more then 5 hours a night and that is with xanax......


Funny you should say that you should hate her...I was just saying the same thing the other day when talking to a friend. I'm like you'd think I'd hate the man w/a passion. But everyone knows I love him. I miss the hell out of him. A lot of it is me missing who I know he CAN be. But he's not that person right now. I think he misses me too, however I think he's too scared to admit he made a mistake and the grass is not greener. Maybe I will write my stories. Problem is I just don't want to hear people say he's using me or whatnot. I'm fully aware of all things going on in the situations that exist. But there's more to it and people just can't seem to look past certain things to focus on the other ones that make me think otherwise aside from the "using" me part. Make sense? The man has a lot going on in his head and to be quite honest I'm fully honest w/myself when I say I know things probably won't change and he won't admit sh*t until he tackles some other things in life that are screwing him up first. However at this point he won't and refuses because I think he's too scared. I think he thinks admitting some of these things will make him "less" of a man. Sheesh, sigh...ugh! But that's an entirely different story and I don't want to jack your thread.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Rhea said:


> Funny you should say that you should hate her...I was just saying the same thing the other day when talking to a friend. I'm like you'd think I'd hate the man w/a passion. But everyone knows I love him. I miss the hell out of him. A lot of it is me missing who I know he CAN be. But he's not that person right now. I think he misses me too, however I think he's too scared to admit he made a mistake and the grass is not greener. Maybe I will write my stories. Problem is I just don't want to hear people say he's using me or whatnot. I'm fully aware of all things going on in the situations that exist. But there's more to it and people just can't seem to look past certain things to focus on the other ones that make me think otherwise aside from the "using" me part. Make sense? The man has a lot going on in his head and to be quite honest I'm fully honest w/myself when I say I know things probably won't change and he won't admit sh*t until he tackles some other things in life that are screwing him up first. However at this point he won't and refuses because I think he's too scared. I think he thinks admitting some of these things will make him "less" of a man. Sheesh, sigh...ugh! But that's an entirely different story and I don't want to jack your thread.



Your funny, you can jack my thread lol..

So this past weekend I believe that "E" went out on a date, her home phone conveniently was not working, she said something must be unplugged but it was fine on Sunday. So she told my daughter to call her on the cell phone. It was either so she could deny going out (which she did she told my daughter she did nothing this weekend) and when she answered her cell phone she could be anywhere or to stop being bothered at home if the home phone rang. Then on Sunday she made a Lasagna that she only makes for family, so I suspect that she had someone over and made it for him. I looked on her facebook and it said "I am going to be alright........" I just wonder how with the holidays coming, not having a relationship with her son, knowing her kids are upset that she can see that everything is just fuc*ing dandy?? It is beyond me how she sees the future as bright. Obviously she has someone new and she is a selfish person.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey Sportsman...

its good to see you posting and getting your feelings out.. Man you have to quit worrying about her and start worrying about yourself, look forward to your future and making it as happy as you can. You cant change what she is doing or has done, accept it for what it is, a time in your life that is now over, a person who at one time meant the world to you.. I know its hard buddy, thinking about them with someone else, but you know its going to happen.. I beat myself up countless times with the same thoughts, Who is she with ? what does he have that I dont ?.. Its all pointless friend and will only make you miserable.. Look after yourself and your son. Do whats best for both of you and live life you could die tomorrow. Dont look back.. A good friend sent this to me...... Read it and think about it.. Your life is not over just the life you left behind... Leave it where it belongs... behind you !!

*gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad, but rather the regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.
"Relish the moment" is a good motto, and "Carpe Diem". *

Think about it Sportsman... Live for Today friend !!! 

wishing you the best....
Skin...........


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

skinman said:


> *gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad, but rather the regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.
> "Relish the moment" is a good motto, and "Carpe Diem". *
> 
> Think about it Sportsman... Live for Today friend !!!
> ...


Nice quote Skin

I get it that there is no real benefit to living in the past, I mean what is done is done. For me since I really did not expect it, no cheating or abuse, and she would not go to counseling, it just left allot of unanswered questions for me. I guess the bottom line is she just is a quitter and her family is less important to her then she is to herself. I can't change it, it is what it is. However it does not change the fact that I wish it did not happen, or wonder what could have been done differently or why she would not try. I will just take one day at a time, enjoy my kids and see what happens.

It was good hearing from you Skin.....


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I was going to start a new thread but decided just to keep this one. However I have a question that I hope I get some responses for. Its been about 9 months since my wife left, we are not yet divorced because our attorney's suck but whatever. Here is my question, I cannot seem to move on. I mean, I still have dreams, I still wake up in a panic, I still can't handle thinking of her with other guys. I have been on few dates hoping that would help and it does until the date is over. I don't feel like I have moved along at all. So any advice on how to do that would be appreciated. Maybe I just need to get some counseling, I don't know. If you read my threads you know that we never went, she just broke up and that was that. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated, I need to be happy again....


----------



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

You may want to try grief counseling. I'm starting to have thoughts similar to yours. I'm having a hard time with the fact that my H is happy and having fun without me. 

I only went to counseling a few times (I'd like to go more). My counselor always gave me a good pep talk and encouraged me to look at the future. I felt better after going. 

Good luck. It will take time to stop having feelings for your W. Hopefully time will heal your heart.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

mls31 said:


> You may want to try grief counseling. I'm starting to have thoughts similar to yours. I'm having a hard time with the fact that my H is happy and having fun without me.
> 
> I only went to counseling a few times (I'd like to go more). My counselor always gave me a good pep talk and encouraged me to look at the future. I felt better after going.
> 
> Good luck. It will take time to stop having feelings for your W. Hopefully time will heal your heart.


Thanks for the feedback.

If anyone else out there can chime in and give me some advice on moving on I would appreciate it. The thought of her with someone else still paralyzes me from moving on. What can i do???


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I wish I had some words of advice for you Skin, but the fact of the matter is I sit in the same boat of misery as you. I have my good days and I have my bad....it's a lazy Sunday afternoon here at my house so I'ma go to the grocery store but I'll be back to post more later.


----------



## lonelyNdepressed (Oct 21, 2009)

Sportsman,
i know how you feel...a month ago my husband asked for a divorce..i made a lot of mistakes in my marriage but i feel i don't deserve this divorce....i am in so much pain especially because i'm still living with him at the moment (moving out Nov.6th)...but i can't get over how he can cut me out of his life the way he's doing...


my husband is alot like your wife...he would never talk to me when we had a problem..he would run to his parents and i would have to wait until they decided what to do...me on the other hand i would rather yell and talk and then move on..and until he got over the problem he wouldn't talk to me...

it's very hard to deal with a person like that...so i understand

i wish i could tell you that it will get better but it is really hard to deal with this...


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey Sportsman,

Hope things are looking up for you friend. Its been over a year now since my separation started. I look for the divorce to be finalized within the next month or 2. I know exactly how your feeling these days. I cant even talk with my wife and she refuses to talk with me. Its easier in the long run, at least the fighting is over for now. You have to hang in there buddy.. I know your going to have your good days and bad but soone enough the good will outnumber the bad ones. You need to stay positive, know that your life is going to be a happy one, you will find someone who will love you like you deserve. I think I have found someone just like that. Everything happens for a reason Sports........ Keep the faith buddy , keep the faith...

Wishing you well friend.
Skin......


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Thanks Skin,,
So Halloween came and my wife/ex (E) asked if she could come with me and the kids since I had them for the weekend. I did not want her to because I do better when I do not see her. I did for the kids sake and it was OK, she looked great and knew it. Asked me if I thought she was a MILF and that was it for me, I ended the night. She left and went to her friends house for a get together. The next day was my daughters birthday and I decided since I had the kids that I would take her to Chuckie Cheese. Again, "E" asked if she could go. Again I did not want her to, but agreed. We met there and she acted like I wasn't even there, taking my daughter around like it was her idea. My other daughter played and my son stayed with me. I proceeded to interact with the birthday girl because I was not going to allow "E" to take over. At one point she started to talk to me and asked if I would consider moving back to California because she needed her mommy. Thats when I realized what she really wanted. I will tell you that I did come to a conclusion by being with her on back to back days. Her beauty makes me want her and causes me to not want her to be with someone else. However the way that she is today is not the person that I fell in love with. I do not recognize her at all. She barely spoke to my son, seemed out of sorts. She did tell me that she is not seeing anybody but who knows. All I know is I don't know if I could be with her again based on the person that she has become.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

What does she want? Do you think she wants to get back together?


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> What does she want? Do you think she wants to get back together?


I dont think so, I think she was messing with me to give me a reminder of what I have lost, the overall family. I also think she was being nice becuase she wants me to move back to California so she can be near her family. Since the break up, everything she does is what is best for her. Not the kids, not me, but for her.

Like I said, the person she is today is somebody that I dont know. If I met her somewhere for the first time, I would think, wow she is beautiful, then I would spend time with her and think my god what a selfish bit** this person is. Oh well, I wish it was two years ago, but its not so I have to look forward..


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I see she wants to manipulate. I have a friend (former) that was this way with her H...She was very manipulative with people in general. However, with her H she started messing around 2 years ago after 20 years of marriage. She was so selfish and manipulative the whole time.

After two years, her H said "no more" and signed a lease on another place. She snapped to and suddenly had a changed of heart. She said it was her "wake up call." The jury is still on on that one...maybe she doesn't have a place to stay or enough money (true) or maybe she doesn't want to give up the kids (true) or maybe she does want the marriage to work (who knows).

Her H is waiting...time will tell on this one. She broke it off with the OM and is behaving herself. However these selfish manipulators can't be trusted. 

It's good that you have her NUMBER!! When they want something they know how to use their sexuality.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

So just an update, still going through this thing, my ex is still acting like a huge witch and there is nothing I can do about it. The thing that gets me, is she has done this to me and the kids but she acts like the victim. I swear she acts like all of this was done TO her. I have no idea what goes through her mind. Maybe its her family telling her what she wants to hear. Either way, it will be over soon and though I still don't want that I am not as upset by it as I used to be. I am sure I will feel bad once the divorce is final but for now I am better then I was. Last year Christmas day was ruined by the way she acted and this year I do not even care that it is Christmas. That is sad since it was always my most favorite holiday. I will still try and have fun for the kids sake, but it is hard to pass over traditions that were in place for 15 years.


----------



## betrayed81 (Dec 11, 2009)

hi sportsman have not posted on here but read all your threads! I have had the same thing happen with my wife but she has only been gone three weeks and i am deffinitly thinkin some how u gotta let go and i feel the same for myself have you considered church? thats something that has helped me but anyways it will be better after the divorce is final thats what im waiting on


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Sportsman,

Wanted to say hello and thank you for your kind words on my post... I know how you feel friend about the traditions and Christmas not feeling the same... Well my friend it will never again be like it was... But thats not such a bad thing either, You can now start a new tradition that will involve you and your children. This year I am helping a less fortunate family with gifts for their kids.. In a sense I hope that this gesture will be the start of a tradition for me and my daughter, Its all in how you look at it buddy. I am pleased to read that your not taking things so hard... It will and has to get better and easier. It has for me and it will for you..

I hope you and your children have a merry Christmas and a prosperous 2010.. it can only get better buddy !!! Keep the faith !

Skin...


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi All

Well Christmas came and went like it did for all of us. I did miss my ex being the first Christmas in 17 years we were not together. But what was nice is the girls spent the night on Thursday Christmas Eve and stayed until Monday 4pm. So she was alone except for her pathetic brother. I wonder if she was lonely or missed the family. I really do not know because she really acts like she has no heart and no care. I enjoyed my kids and I am happy for that..


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

New Years came and went, I celebrated with my kids as my ex was out with friends. She never even called the kids to wish them a Happy New Year. She is very selfish and only cares about herself. It seems like every major holiday in 2009 she was partying and I was with the kids. I am happy for that but she has no relationship with her son and instead of trying to work on that she goes out. The real thing I want to know and hopefully someone can respond, I do find myself still wondering and worrying about what she is doing and who she is with. I spend way to much time on that, I try to do my own thing but my mind always goes to her. Does anyone have any advice on how to stop this or have a cure for me lol..

thanks


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Sportsman... if your wife woke up one day and just felt like she didn't want to be with you, then that is one thing. But to be so callous in her relationship with your children is very hard to take! She's living it up now, but there is and will be a price to pay. All of those people who are contributing to her being senseless won't be there when she is going to need them most. Trust me, she will approach you with open arms, a warm heart, and welcomed words.

It always amazes me how people are so willing to forget their past and how they are so comfortable to hurt those who will sacrifice for them. What's even worse is that she turns her back on her own children. 

Hang in there, somehow... the realization for her is close at hand.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> Sportsman... if your wife woke up one day and just felt like she didn't want to be with you, then that is one thing. But to be so callous in her relationship with your children is very hard to take! She's living it up now, but there is and will be a price to pay. All of those people who are contributing to her being senseless won't be there when she is going to need them most. Trust me, she will approach you with open arms, a warm heart, and welcomed words.
> 
> It always amazes me how people are so willing to forget their past and how they are so comfortable to hurt those who will sacrifice for them. What's even worse is that she turns her back on her own children.
> 
> Hang in there, somehow... the realization for her is close at hand.



Thanks DS

I appreciate your words. In two days it will be one year that she left, it does not sting like it used to but when I think about her possibly with another guy I still get anxiety. I was hoping that I could be over her by now but it is not the case. I have gone out on quite a few dates but I always compare them to my ex and in the end I prefer her. I have decided to stop dating for awhile since I do not believe it will work out until I am more over her. My entire 2009 was ruined and now 2010 is not starting well. Oh well there is still 11 1/2 months left of 2010, hopefully some good finds its way to me


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey Sportsman,

I'm sorry to hear that your still sturggling friend, I know its hard to let go but believe me brother, once you do your life will change and for the better. Stop obsessing about her with other guys.. you know that it not doing you any good and only prolonging your healing....I was like you, wondering how she could do what she has done, obsessing about her and her boyfriend.. But all that did was make me miserable, it didnt change the fact that she was gone and was with him one bit...When those thoughts come, change the tune buddy. think of the good things that are in your life now, your kids and the relationship that you are building with them, dont worry about her relationship with them thats all on her, She will regret it oneday and have to live with it.. Make sure they know that you are there for them.. The relationship that my daughter and I share now is so much better than it ever was, she loves coming to see me, knowing that I put in the time to be with her unlike her mom.... They will realize one day all that you did for them and they will appreciate you all the more..........

Hang in there sports... 2010 is our year friend !!! Have faith !!

Skin........


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi Everyone

Still working through this whole thing. I have more good days then bad days but I assumed that after a year I would be fine, ha ha not the case. As I look forward I prepare myself for things that are going to happen, the divorce, knowing that she has a boyfriend, the kids meeting him, her getting married, and then her having another kid. I try to not to dwell on this stuff but like I said I am trying to prepare. Anyway, just thought I would give an update


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey Sports,

Glad to hear the better days outnumber the bad.. Thats a start friend and soon you wont remember the bad.... Man you have to try and not let those thoughts enter your mind.. I know its hard and at times they will creep in, but you have to be strong then.. Think of better things and soon they wont have the affect... Mine has found herself a rich one buddy.. the dude is loaded, ugly as sin and at first it used to bother me hearing about his 6500 sf house, corvette and how much money he pulls in... But you know what.. I have gotten over all that. I am content getting ready to move into a 1600 sf townhouse, driving my hyundai and doing what I can to get by...... You will get to this point to my friend... Have faith, patience and strength in knowing that....

There are better days ahead for you.. someone will come along and sweep you off your feet..... dont rush it, go looking for it just wait and you will see........ Take care buddy... drop a line if you need an ear..........

Skin........


----------



## whoever (Apr 7, 2010)

not sure if you still read this, but i read thru your thread and felt the need to reply. 
it seems alot of what you are having a hard time with is the whats and whys of how it all fell apart. you mentioned she was 17 when you met. 
i am very recently seperated. not even two weeks. one of the things i have realized about my relationship is that maybe age was a factor. i met my husband when i was 17 and he 18. we have been together for ten years. married for five. living together for the entire ten, which makes it feel like we are married just as long.. we were still kids and grew up together. which is a beautiful thing on its own accord...but i think we failed to grow as much as we should as individuals. 
maybe she feels she 'lost' herself along the way and needs figure out who she is again. 
it would certainly explain all the partying and carrying on. maybe she feels she is trying to recapture her youth. 
i understand it is VERY selfish to do that with children involved. but it is what it is. 
i think your best bet is what many people here told you. and that is to back off and relax. become who you were meant to be. figure out your likes and dislikes you may have put on the back burner during your relationship. 
this is my very first post in this community, i will be looking at lots more, i am sure.
feel free to message me if you like.
and for the days you feel angry or spitefull, remember, the best revenge is living well.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

whoever said:


> not sure if you still read this, but i read thru your thread and felt the need to reply.
> it seems allot of what you are having a hard time with is the whats and whys of how it all fell apart. you mentioned she was 17 when you met.
> i am very recently separated. not even two weeks. one of the things i have realized about my relationship is that maybe age was a factor. i met my husband when i was 17 and he 18. we have been together for ten years. married for five. living together for the entire ten, which makes it feel like we are married just as long.. we were still kids and grew up together. which is a beautiful thing on its own accord...but i think we failed to grow as much as we should as individuals.
> maybe she feels she 'lost' herself along the way and needs figure out who she is again.
> ...


Thank you for your perspective.

Funny, I did meet her when she was 17 and my son is now 16, he is taking a psychology class that talked about what my ex is probably going through. Her best friends are 20 something year olds and she is acting and dressing like them. She puts herself and her friends first over everyone. My son told me that she is going through a phase in her life that she missed. Its stupid in my opinion and it does not make it right but like you said it is what it is. I am sure some day she will regret all of the time that she missed with her son and and maybe even regret all the hurt and harm that she caused.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

I have been away from this for a long time so I thought I would give an update. Man this was such an ordeal and I felt many times like I was not going to come out of this. So my ex as found a new man who she claims is the one. I will say that I think she is more interested in what he has but whatever. I was on a couple of dating sites and for whatever reason did not find what I was looking for though it was not for a lack of trying. Since my ordeal I have gotten a new job which pays well (thank god) and have met someone that actually makes me forget about my ex. In the beginning, middle and even the end it is hard to think of yourself with someone new, but time does heal. So far this women is awesome and I think I will be happier with her then I would have been with my ex. God does work in mysterious ways, though at times it feels like he is crazy lol.... Hope all is well from my early supporters, if you read this please check in with me and let me know you are ok..


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey Sportsman....

Man am I happy to read this :smthumbup: way to go buddy.. I knew that oneday you would see the light like so many of us have had to do.. Congrats on the new job and lady ..

Both will keep your mind and body occupied.. I was worried about you there for a while and am so happy to see you on the other side.. I havent read many of your posts lately, but I assume the divorce is final ?? Mine was finalized in April.. :smthumbup: bought myself a house in March and life is looking up.. I have a woman living with me thats 8 years my junor :smthumbup: beautiful woman that i so different from my Ex... 

Funny thing happened yesterday.. I stopped to pick up my daughter and finally saw the POS she was cheating on me with.... I laughed out loud buddy... here all along I was thinking she left me for some studly dude.. . furthest thing from the truth.. the guy is loaded and fugly as get all..... oh well she is his problem now....... 

Life is good my friend !!! keep up the happiness and smile often........

take care....

Skin........


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Glad to hear you have turned the corner, Sportsman. It's a wide friggin corner, isn't it?


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Hi there Deejo and Skin 

Yes it was a huge corner lol...

Skin,

The lady I am seeing is younger then me as well and super cute, her smile lights up the room  I am so glad you are doing well!! Not sure if I am completly over my ex but I know this for a fact, if she called me today and asked me to take her back I would not. The pure evil that she spewed can never be forgiven. Anyway like I said I feel better and look forward to waking up every day and having a great time with my kids. 

thanks again for all the support I got from this site, not sure if I could have made it without it..

Sports..


----------



## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

I see this is an older thread, but it has some really good info. Funny how so many of the stories ring so similar. Hope those involved have found some peace of mind,truly. I have taken in a lot of information that applies to myself and provided some clarity in my current situation.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Yes this is an older thread and it does not hurt as much as it did, but I would say that I am not over her all the way yet. I still miss the days when we were all happy and everything was fine. I believe I still feel this way because I thought we were going to be together for ever and then we were not. Though I am not 100% better, I am better....


----------



## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

I see so much similarities in situations, the progression of the dreaded " i need space" separations and it seems like carbon copies are being played out in front of my eyes. I am looking forward in a way of getting some closure myself, hate the thought of divorce and like you, always thought it was forever. Now the thought of letting her back into my life after this is just not looking possible. Glad things are well and hoping to get there myself.


----------



## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Thats the thing guys... *nothing is forever !! *Sports glad to hear you are doing better my friend !! Things will continue to improve and one day you will look back and be thankful for all the growing that you did, the lessons learned  well hopefully learned...... Lol.. In the future learn to live without expectations, accept the relationship for what it was, a moment in time as they all are....... 

Nothing lasts forever.... accept that and remember next time... enjoy each day as it comes.. dont expect to stay together forever !! You have come a long way my friend !! keep up the good work 

Skin...............


----------

