# That certain moment



## tm84

I'm starting a new thread here because there are the beginnings of a real R happening with my wife, so I thought I'd share the progress here instead of in the CWI forum. 

I am the WS and my story starts here. In short, I had a cyber affair with someone in another country that my wife found out about last June. Since then, we have been in a rollercoaster of a relationship with a short separation, followed by months of us living/sleeping together, but without any intimacy or touching, in general. Lots of talking and dealing with our respective feelings about what happened and how to move forward. 

With each talk that we have had, there has been a little more moving forward, bit by bit. Last night's conversation was another one that shed a bit more light on where we are and where we've been.

This morning, however, brought about the biggest change in months. My wife was leaving for work, while I was preparing my lunch for my own job. She had her jacket and scarf on and was standing around longer than she usually has been these past months where she would just run out the door with a quick, "Have a nice day". 

I'm cooking and and she's still standing there after a couple of minutes, so I asked, "Is everything ok?". She said, "Yes, I'm just waiting to give you a hug, or you can give me one..." I froze for a second, stopped what I was doing and we had a nice, long, tight hug and even a kiss before she left. We aren't at the verbal "I love you" stage yet, but this was pretty close and the most physically affectionate we've been in nine months. 

There is still a long way to go, but at now I feel like there is the beginning of something solid to stand on once again in our relationship.


----------



## This is me

That is great news! I wish you two all the best.


----------



## MEM2020

To minimize the amount of inflammation this post creates: You were completely in the wrong. And her behavior prior to the affair does not justify the affair. 

With that said, this recon seems very one sided. 

Has your Wife ever explained to you WHY your sex life became so bad in the months preceding the affair? It doesn't sound like there has been any real discussion of that. 

Let me tell you why I am raising that point. Men and women are very different when it comes to sex. The "average" woman can much more easily remain in a low sex marriage for LIFE as long as all her other needs are met. 

Because of that, women often marry men who they aren't really all that attracted to. They marry him for stability/status/other reasons. Those marriages tend to be very unhappy for the man. He is always trying to "solve" a problem that she has no interest in "solving" because for her the low frequency of sex is not a problem. She wants it that way. 

It is also true that in "some" low sex marriages the woman DOES desire her mate and does desire a frequent sex life with him. But somehow he is not able to manage the emotional part of the marriage very well and he creates enough bad feeling outside the bedroom that she begins to shut down sexually. He can do that by not being really "engaged" emotionally. He can just as easily do that by being TOO engaged emotionally and too "accommodating/weak". He can also lose his job and not look too hard for another. Or not help out enough at home. A LD spouse is likely to go into "sexual shutdown" over any significant marital issue. They simply don't behave like a HD partner. 

Odds are you have a pretty good idea which it is. If your W seemed pretty happy with you overall before the affair, AND if she gets angry/aggressive and shuts down conversations about why your pre-affair sex life was dead/dying, she probably isn't that attracted to you. A wife who WANTS a good sex life will talk to you about what is happening. A wife who wants a low sex/sexless marriage will do anything in her power to AVOID any conversation about sex. 

Only you know your situation. Only you have some sense of what was happening as your sex life died. Based on that, you should try to be realistic regarding where your marriage is going to end up long term. 

So - why did I post all this NOW. Because YOU should address all this BEFORE you start sleeping with her again. And your approach needs to be: No matter what, I would never cheat on you again. That was the cowards way of handling the problem. That said, we DID have a very real problem. Our sex life had gotten to the point where I felt increasingly unloved and unimportant to you. I honestly don't know what caused that to happen and I am not comfortable resuming intimacy until we reach a common understanding of what sex "means to me emotionally" as a man. And what the lack of sex means to me "emotionally" as a man. 

And if you are smart, you will go read married man sex life, by Athol Kay. If your W has a view that by cheating, you have forfeited your right to: 
- talk to her about your sex life, 
- expect any more sex than she feels like giving you at any point in time
- have a fair conversation about how you will compromise on frequency when her desire level is low (and there will be times it is low and that is ok as long as she loves you enough to compromise)
- have a rational conversation about how women are sexually "responsive" - meaning they often don't feel any desire until AFTER their partner has touched them and started some level of foreplay and that means you and she need to learn how to make that dynamic work FOR your marriage not against it





tm84 said:


> I'm starting a new thread here because there are the beginnings of a real R happening with my wife, so I thought I'd share the progress here instead of in the CWI forum.
> 
> I am the WS and my story starts here. In short, I had a cyber affair with someone in another country that my wife found out about last June. Since then, we have been in a rollercoaster of a relationship with a short separation, followed by months of us living/sleeping together, but without any intimacy or touching, in general. Lots of talking and dealing with our respective feelings about what happened and how to move forward.
> 
> With each talk that we have had, there has been a little more moving forward, bit by bit. Last night's conversation was another one that shed a bit more light on where we are and where we've been.
> 
> This morning, however, brought about the biggest change in months. My wife was leaving for work, while I was preparing my lunch for my own job. She had her jacket and scarf on and was standing around longer than she usually has been these past months where she would just run out the door with a quick, "Have a nice day".
> 
> I'm cooking and and she's still standing there after a couple of minutes, so I asked, "Is everything ok?". She said, "Yes, I'm just waiting to give you a hug, or you can give me one..." I froze for a second, stopped what I was doing and we had a nice, long, tight hug and even a kiss before she left. We aren't at the verbal "I love you" stage yet, but this was pretty close and the most physically affectionate we've been in nine months.
> 
> There is still a long way to go, but at now I feel like there is the beginning of something solid to stand on once again in our relationship.


----------



## tm84

@MEM11363:

My wife and I have talked and continue to talk about what happened with us pre-affair. There are a few things I need to clear up/add to the conversation:

My wife had a very up and down relationship with sex in her life prior to meeting me and unfortunately, more negative experiences than positive. Because of that, she has had a very fragile view of herself in relation to her sexual experiences. I knew about this going into our relationship/marriage.

One problem that I now see was that my sex life prior to meeting and marrying my wife was the opposite of hers. I didn't have a lot of girlfriends, but in all of the relationships I had before my wife, the sex was amazing, with almost no problems. The downside to that is that I now realize that I had expectations of my wife based on previoius experiences, and when things didn't turn out that way, I didn't quite know how to deal with it. My wife was never sexually distant, nor not attracted to me, in fact, just the opposite. The issue I had was that I still wanted more than what I had with her. 

This is where my AP comes into the picture. I actually knew her before marrying my wife and I knew of her attraction to me and I was attracted to the AP, as well. I remained friends with the "friend" after getting married, stayed in touch via the net (we never met in person). I had very poor boundaries and the "friend" turned into an AP, which led to the events of last year. This is the short version, but it is the foundation of what happened. 

My wife was always open with me, but because I was so far into the fog of the attraction and ego-boosting of the fantasy with the AP, I closed myself off to my wife in a lot of ways that I should not have. Now, months later, my wife and I are on the mend with each other and I'm more open with her than I ever was prior to our d-day. It's a sturggle, but with every day that passes things get a little better.


----------



## Kurosity

That is wonderful and it is nice to hear. I wish you both continued growth. Best wishes


----------



## tm84

Kurosity said:


> That is wonderful and it is nice to hear. I wish you both continued growth. Best wishes


Thank you, very much


----------



## DownUnder

tm84 said:


> My wife was always open with me, but * because I was so far into the fog of the attraction and ego-boosting of the fantasy with the AP, I closed myself off to my wife in a lot of ways that I should not have.* Now, months later, my wife and I are on the mend with each other and I'm more open with her than I ever was prior to our d-day. It's a sturggle, but with every day that passes things get a little better.


would you mind sharing what it is that made you realised that you have closed yourself off to your wife? Was it something she did that opened your eyes? or was it an event or something that was said to you?

And also what steps have you taken to rectify the situation to unable your relationship to be on the mend?


----------



## tm84

DownUnder said:


> would you mind sharing what it is that made you realised that you have closed yourself off to your wife? Was it something she did that opened your eyes? or was it an event or something that was said to you?
> 
> And also what steps have you taken to rectify the situation to unable your relationship to be on the mend?


A lot of my awareness of how I had closed myself off to my wife has come after d-day. Some of it has come from coming to TAM, posting my own story and reading about what other people (both betrayed and wandering spouses) had experienced with infidelity and much of the rest has come from reading the book, "NOT Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. 

My wife and I have had a lot of conversations about what happened, what things led to the EA, and how we are dealing with it all now. It has been very difficult, but we have been able to come a long way since last June and our communication is improving all of the time. There are still no guarantees, but it feels like things are on the right track.


----------

