# Surviving premature ejaculation



## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

Has anyone here successfully overcame this? My husband is suffering from this and needless to say it has been quite detrimental to our marriage. Not to make light of the issue but I am not talking about the clinical definition of coming before you want to. At this point I am not allowed to touch him, kiss him orally and even as little as five minutes of mouth to mouth kissing has resulted in this. I can't deal with this anymore and am desperate. We have been together for 18 years and he is 43 for those who are wondering. Needless to say the intimacy is virtually find because I don't feel like I can trust him physically because of this. Sorry if that rambled but I have to find an outlet besides crying to deal with this. Any suggestions would be appreciated
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

toxxik said:


> Needless to say the intimacy is virtually find because I don't feel like I can trust him physically because of this.


Please explain this sentence.


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## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

Yes, but he needs to understand why he's having PreE. Are you saying that he will ejaculate even without simulation of the sexual organs?


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

Two words: sensate focus. The gold standard for fixing for PE and ED problems.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Toxxik - have you and your husband had a 'good' sex life throughout your marriage?

The reason for asking is that we men are, fundementally, animals. Male animals want to get in there, sow their seed and get out as soon as possible incase the female changes her mind, attacks him etc!...and also because she is only receptive for a short time each year.

If you and your husband only have sex maybe 1-2 a month it might be his natural instinct kicking in...???

There are 'squeeze' techniques that can help.

Also, is he circumcised? Circumcised men generally tend to last longer because their 'bell end' isnt quite as sensistive as that of an uncircumcised man.

If he isnt circumcised, getting him done is a fairly drastic measure, but may (MAY) help as a final option.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Has he always had this problem?

You poor thing. I can imagine the hurt and rejection you must feel.

I read something a long time ago that may apply here.

When boys begin to masturbate, their goal is to come quickly so they don't get caught. The faster the better. Over time, they Unfortunatley train themselves to ejaculate far too fast and they have to learn to control it the same way they learned to ejaculate quickly, by masturbating. 

First he masturbates with the only goal to identify the Point of No Return. He has to be able to clearly know when the next stroke will bring it.

Then he masturbates till just before TPONR. He stops and waits. The goal is to not touch himself again and to stay erect. Once he feels control, he stroked himself to completion.

Next he masturbates just to TPONR, waits, strokes just to TPONR again, then waits again.

During this time, and it could take several weeks to months depending on how often he will practice, he never allows himself to blindly stroke away and sex is off the table.

He needs to be able to maintain an erection for a full 10 minutes on his own before you two can do this together. Once he can do that, you can add some stimulus, but only under his explicit instructions.

Most men look back at their teen years of furious and fast masturbation as a right of passage, and it is! But when a boy is afraid of getting caught, getting shamed or humiliated, it sets up a dynamic that naturally leads to PE. 

There was a doctor who wrote a book about his method that is the gold standard. ...but I can't remember his name. This isn't the one I was looking for, but it seemed to have good reviews, though not too many:scratchhead:
Coping With Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex: Barry W. McCarthy PhD, Michael E. Metz PhD: 9781572243408: Amazon.com: Books


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Anon - you have it down right to the T! 

This is how I practiced during my single days
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> When boys begin to masturbate, their goal is to come quickly so they don't get caught.


As a young boy I was caught masturbating. After my mom walked in on me and caught me red handed she said "Keep doing that and you'll go blind!".

A week later, she walked in on me again and she said "Why are you covering one side of your face?"

I replied "I'm willing to sacrifice one eye!"


Badump bump


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NewHubs said:


> Anon - you have it down right to the T!
> 
> This is how I practiced during my single days
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's good to know since I've posted that little tid bit twice now. Would not want to send someone the wrong info.

Did it take very long? I'd be interested in hearing what you found difficult and what seemed to work? If you're okay with posting such. I think OP would be interested as well.


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

Ok, I have had the ultimate weekend from hell dealing with this. Little more background in what has transpired...we have been married for 15 years with 2 kids so our sex life has taken some natural ups and downs accordingly but an average of once a week up till about a year and a half ago. It started with him losing control during some heavy foreplay (this opened up a pandora a box because his way of dealing with this was to roll over and snore and it just sucks to be me). We recovered from that and it happens again a few months later in a similar situation but this time he tries to hide the fact he just lost control and thinks I wouldn't notice-I immediately called him out on it I won't be played for stupid. On a side note my libido jump started after the first time it happened because we started really discussing our sex life for the first time ever. Frequency wise I would prefer 5-6times a week, husband has no interest in more than once a week which means for me once he hits his one and done I am left not being taken care of, again. Over the next few months there were more accelerated bouts with PE. Trying anything new will result I his loss if control in fifteen seconds or less regardless of how deep into foreplay we are. Now let's fast forward to about the last three months. It is like living the live version of American pie. With in minutes if just some good old French kissing he has lost control. I can have no physical contact and that won't due or me long term. He went for a full physical and got a clean bill of health but refused to mention anything to the doctor. He swears he is working on the physical control excercise but I have no idea. This past Thursday morning we were doing a little fooling around before work and he actually let me kiss him orally for a second. I told him to tell me if it was too much and after a couple if seconds he stopped me, I asked him if he was still in control and he looked me in the eye and said yes(a complete lie, I already knew he was hiding from me). I gave him a couple if days to be honest about not communicating with me and he proceeded to look me in the eye and lie again. I no longer trust him about anything. My ground rules have been no lies and no hiding and he threw that all away last week. I dont know what else to do. He has destroyed me and my trust and he literally can only control himself a for a couple if seconds and that is assuming I am not touching him at all. I am miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

toxxik said:


> Ok, I have had the ultimate weekend from hell dealing with this. Little more background in what has transpired...we have been married for 15 years with 2 kids so our sex life has taken some natural ups and downs accordingly but an average of once a week up till about a year and a half ago. It started with him losing control during some heavy foreplay (this opened up a pandora a box because his way of dealing with this was to roll over and snore and it just sucks to be me). We recovered from that and it happens again a few months later in a similar situation but this time he tries to hide the fact he just lost control and thinks I wouldn't notice-I immediately called him out on it I won't be played for stupid. On a side note my libido jump started after the first time it happened because we started really discussing our sex life for the first time ever. Frequency wise I would prefer 5-6times a week, husband has no interest in more than once a week which means for me once he hits his one and done I am left not being taken care of, again. Over the next few months there were more accelerated bouts with PE. Trying anything new will result I his loss if control in fifteen seconds or less regardless of how deep into foreplay we are. Now let's fast forward to about the last three months. It is like living the live version of American pie. With in minutes if just some good old French kissing he has lost control. I can have no physical contact and that won't due or me long term. He went for a full physical and got a clean bill of health but refused to mention anything to the doctor. He swears he is working on the physical control excercise but I have no idea. This past Thursday morning we were doing a little fooling around before work and he actually let me kiss him orally for a second. I told him to tell me if it was too much and after a couple if seconds he stopped me, I asked him if he was still in control and he looked me in the eye and said yes(a complete lie, I already knew he was hiding from me). I gave him a couple if days to be honest about not communicating with me and he proceeded to look me in the eye and lie again. I no longer trust him about anything. My ground rules have been no lies and no hiding and he threw that all away last week. I dont know what else to do. He has destroyed me and my trust and he literally can only control himself a for a couple if seconds and that is assuming I am not touching him at all. I am miserable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PE sometimes is a symptom of anger at the spouse. I think by now you've given him plenty of reason. Couples therapy is indicated.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I completely understand how frustrating this is for you but you MUST separate the issues here. I'm sure you're just venting but you're not coming across as a very empathetic or supportive person right now.


To actually help him through this you MUST give him unconditional safety. He has to feel safe to talk to you. It sounds like you two have made great progress in terms of talking about sex, but with this PE recurring your lack of patience might be showing more than you intend.

Get yourself some toys, dildos and vibrators, and when he fires off too soon, you two can simply switch to toys. This can be a seamless transition if you bring the toys out everytime. That way they are there and ready to go. This lets him know, as you have already, rightly, pointed out, that one and done speedy fast is NOT going to work for you.

This is HIS problem. You can't monitor, inspect, and test and grade his progress. Just focus on the fun of sex, whether it's with toys, fingers, mouth or his lovely erection.


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## jitterbug73 (Jun 24, 2013)

I this you need to be more supportive of him. This probably is very embarrassing to him and if he feels like it is a problem for you it will make him feel worse. It could be caused by something psychological. I would act like it was no big deal. Keep showing him unconditional love. You can get your own release by yourself, but don't pressure him. If he starts to relax about it things might get better.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Even if he does ejaculate prematurely I still think he should be encouraged to continue either oral or manual stimulation to pleasure her. If nothing else it may take the pressure off "staying in control". Sometimes if you get in your own head too much it can be a self fulfilling prophecy. If he learns that her satisfaction doesn't have to be tied to his "performance" he will be able to relax and may find it becomes less of an issue.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I echo what Pink says.

As an addendum, I adopted a strategy of having a session 12 hours before I think that we will engage in sex. No way of accurately predicting it but on occasions, it has worked. I used to only last two minutes at most but now can keep going for 10 or so minutes.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

I had a little ED issue a couple years back and my GF acted the way you are acting and I can tell you it did NOTHING but make it worse. She got mad, blamed herself, etc. If she would have just simply said "baby what can I do to help" it would have made a MASSIVE difference. You HAVE to be more empathetic towards him. Your trust is not RUINED by this. He did not cheat on you or hide some internet affair. This is a very tough thing for him to work though, to admit to. While he does need to discuss it with you and open up if he feels you are going to just get mad he will just clam up. In other words your making a difficult situation much tougher.

Couples Counseling or a book you can decide to read together may be the ticket. Open communication that you are not mad because of this and you love him and want to help will go a long way.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Cyclist said:


> I had a little ED issue a couple years back and my GF acted the way you are acting and I can tell you it did NOTHING but make it worse. She got mad, blamed herself, etc. If she would have just simply said "baby what can I do to help" it would have made a MASSIVE difference. You HAVE to be more empathetic towards him. Your trust is not RUINED by this. He did not cheat on you or hide some internet affair. This is a very tough thing for him to work though, to admit to. While he does need to discuss it with you and open up if he feels you are going to just get mad he will just clam up. In other words your making a difficult situation much tougher.
> 
> Couples Counseling or a book you can decide to read together may be the ticket. Open communication that you are not mad because of this and you love him and want to help will go a long way.


i love seeing sound advice.... +1!

i had this problem, and i STILL have this problem. my wife and i managed to work through it by figuring out how to "bone through it". it took a hell of a lot of understanding on her part and a hell of a lot of courage on mine. 

there are very few things that can make a man feel lower than telling him his performance sucks. please dont do that. if you want his performance to increase, be willing to understand how it feels to him.

for my wifes part, she started playing to some of my fantasies(which took a lot of courage to tell her). she would talk about them, or even watch porn with me. in part, she did that because i flat out told her that i need help getting it back up. i could pleasure her with toys, but thats not as fun...

so, she helped turn me back on in ways i didnt know was possible, and she did it by paying attention to what naturally turns me on and not judging me by it. ****ing love her for that.

nowadays, i usually drive her to the point of passing out. which i absolutely love....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

There are also pharmacological options for those with PE. The same drugs that are used for ED delay ejaculation as do some of the older anti-depressants. 

Bottom line is, if you respond as your last post indicates you feel, this game is over. Re-think your strategy and get into some counseling


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

A lack of serotonin can produce premature orgasm in both men and women. I learned this today after seeing a psychologist in relation to some of my wifes behaviour.
Seems that her depressed state ( that she won't admit to) may be causing her to orgasm too fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

If you suffer from ED or PE you have got to have an understanding and supportive spouse.

One that 1) wants to feel and enjoy your hard 'manhood'
2) WANTS to help you because she loves you

Without the above, you might as well donate 'it' to medical science!


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## Nunnzie (Mar 12, 2014)

I might be able to help here a bit since I have had this problem on and off for most of my married life and know what he is going through.

The biggest problem with PE is fear causes it to get worse. What I mean here is when I was having sex with the wife and I was very worried it was going to happen it actually would make it worse and I would not be able ot hold off at all. So getting some confidence that I could be in more control was the key to lasting longer. 

Here are the three things that work for me:

1) The time I have the most problem is when I don't have sex in a while. If I go a week or longer without sex it is very hard to hold back since there is a lot built up ready to release. So the obvious fix here is have sex frequently - like 2-3 times per week. The more frequent sex I have the less of a problem I have. Actually if I have sex multiple nights in a row sometimes I can last forever.

2) There is de-sensatizing cream you can purchase to reduce the sensativity of the head. The stuff I use is called "Man Delay" which is available over the counter at most drug stores. All this does is numb the head a bit to reduce the great pleasure you have when you engage in sex which I find to be very helpful.

3) The last thing I have learned helps greatly is have sex in a position where you can enter the woman and control the rhythm and depth of penetration. Being in contol is an absolute must for me to control how long I last. So what I do is enter her and when I feel the climax coming on I slow down or stop all together to stop the impending climax from going all the way. The obvious problem here is you need keep her going in the meantime while you are on a "break". So what I find what works best is to get her in the spoon position where I enter from behind which allows me to have control of the penetration and I also have the ability to use my hand to rub her clit at the same time. So when I slow down with my thrusting I can keep my hand and fingers going the entire time and she never skips a beat. This is also a great way to time your orgasm with hers if you both want to climax together which is pretty hard to do. 

So what I suggest you do is show him my post to allow him to know that he is not alone and there is hope for him to be a super lover again regardless of his PE issue. Heck my wife has no clue that I even have this problem since I can perform just fine using my "tricks" I noted above!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My take on it is that PE is only a problem if the guys figures that once he's shot off the fun is over for the both of you. It really helps if a guy is capable of staying stiff or getting stiff again in a short time. Even then, the tongue still works just fine.

I would also advise that having less sex is also the wrong course. Most guys tread into PE territory once they've been sex starved.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

toxxik said:


> Ok, I have had the ultimate weekend from hell dealing with this... married for 15 years ...average of once a week ....It started with him losing control during some heavy foreplay (this opened up a pandora a box because his way of dealing with this was to roll over and snore and it just sucks to be me). We recovered from that and it happens again a few months later in a similar situation but this time he tries to hide the fact he just lost control and thinks I wouldn't notice-I immediately called him out on it I won't be played for stupid.


You say his idea of dealing with the issue was to roll over and ignore it, why do you think he finds it difficult to talk about it with you? Did you tell him that very night or the next morning how you felt about what happened? You say you recovered from it, what did you do to actually "recover?" Or was it just rug swept and not discussed? 

You say that him not telling you that it happened again was him trying to play you for stupid, but how did you make him feel about it when it happened the first time? Were you sympathetic, supportive, and nurturing? Or was your tone closer to the tone of this thread? It doesnt take a PhD in relationship dynamics to see that he is so insecure about this issue, that he was simply unable to be open with you about it for fear of being judged or you being disappointed in him.



toxxik said:


> On a side note my libido jump started after the first time it happened because we started really discussing our sex life for the first time ever. Frequency wise I would prefer 5-6times a week, husband has no interest in more than once a week which means for me once he hits his one and done I am left not being taken care of, again.


So the first time you two actively discussed the physical part of your relationship occurred 15 years into your marriage. How much resentment did you build up toward him in those 15 years because you wanted sex 5-6 times per week, but he only wanted it once? Why were you ok with having sex so infrequently when you actually needed to be having way more of it? Can you really say your resentment never boiled up to the surface? 

Especially when the one day per week where you thought you would be getting what you needed from him turned into an issue that wasnt properly handled?

If complete strangers reading your post can pick up on the resentment, imagine what your husband, who knows you intimately, actually reads/picks up from you? 



toxxik said:


> It is like living the live version of American pie. With in minutes if just some good old French kissing he has lost control. I can have no physical contact and that won't due or me long term. He went for a full physical and got a clean bill of health but refused to mention anything to the doctor. He swears he is working on the physical control excercise but I have no idea. This past Thursday morning we were doing a little fooling around before work and he actually let me kiss him orally for a second. I told him to tell me if it was too much and after a couple if seconds he stopped me, I asked him if he was still in control and he looked me in the eye and said yes(a complete lie, I already knew he was hiding from me). I gave him a couple if days to be honest about not communicating with me and he proceeded to look me in the eye and lie again.


Setting someone up to fail usually results in failure. Asking such a loaded question while seething with resentment would drive the most caring, secure, and understanding man to be dishonest, I cant even imagine what that was like for him.



toxxik said:


> I no longer trust him about anything. My ground rules have been no lies and no hiding and he threw that all away last week. I dont know what else to do. He has destroyed me and my trust and he literally can only control himself a for a couple if seconds and that is assuming I am not touching him at all. I am miserable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If your ground rules were to have no lies, why did you lie by omission when you asked if he had maintained control while being fully aware that he had not? His very recent performance issues make it impossible for you to touch/trust him? Why? Is his sperm made out of ambien or xanax? If the answer is no, he should still be functional after spilling a bit of his seed, and as others have pointed out, in addition to his penis, he has hands, fingers, toes, a tongue and a brain. Is there really no solution to this issue? Or are you looking to bail on this guy/marriage with the moral high ground?

I am sorry your physical needs are not being met by your husband. That is a crappy place to find yourself in, and I can imagine why you would be feeling angry and resentful after 15 years of not talking about something that was important to you and your relationship. So please dont take offense at this question, but are you actually looking for a reasonable solution to this problem, or an exit from the marriage with the blame laid at his feet?


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

I am sorry that you and your husband are having difficulties. While this is a sensitive topic that many men find difficult to discuss, there are many effective drug therapies. I know several men that went on Prozac and were "cured" within 2 weeks. I am including a link on the treatment of Premature Ejaculation. Your husband should make an appointment with a urologist to get the best treatment. I am so sorry that this has gone on for as long as it has when there are several treatments available. https://www.auanet.org/education/guidelines/premature-ejaculation.cfm Best of luck to you both.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Some good advice given it seems. Unfortunately, the OP hasn't been on this thread since Dec 2013.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Some good advice given it seems. Unfortunately, the OP hasn't been on this thread since Dec 2013.


Thanks for putting in the caveat about good advice. I didnt pay attention to the dates of the posts, but I can take solace in the idea that reading some of the stuff posted here will help someone in some way.

I initially noticed the thread because the title is just so over the top for an issue that can typically be resolved with nothing more than kindness, patience, understanding, sympathy, and maybe a bit of prep/practice. The title makes it seem like premature ejaculation is somehow life/relationship threatening. Once I read the OPs comments, and wiped the oozing resentment leaking from her posts off of my keyboard, I went straight to replying 

Its so alien to me anyway. My wife has never, ever, EVER, made me feel self conscious, ashamed, guilty, or insecure about any part of our sex lives together. There have been times where she's had me so turned on that the initial stroke of entering her sent me to a 9.999 and the following stroke had me finishing. If I even attempted to say anything self deprecating she would playfully remind me to STFU and enjoy myself.

Thats why I asked the OP about how she first responded to her husband when it happened, and how it made him feel. Ejaculation/Orgasm is only the "end of sex for the night" if that is the choice being made by the people having sex.

When I cum like a virgin on prom night two minutes after entering her, she is an amazing lover and reads me like an open book, I take a minute or two to enjoy a bit of the orgasm/afterglow, and then I start making her feel good and try to get her to finish as well. Usually, by the time I've planted kisses down her forehead, lips, shoulders, and breasts I'm hard and good to go again. If shes in the mood, and wants me to go down on her too.... forget about it.. cause after about 20-30 min of enjoying her honey I'm throbbing and dripping all over the place and and we have a variety of options open for us to enjoy.

When we have sex/make love/fck we are usually so excited that sleeping seems alien, even after coming to orgasm, unless that orgasm is one of many that we have enjoyed that night during our occasional marathon sessions and we just want to power nap wrapped in each others arms amongst the tattered bedsheets.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Paladin, you are a great husband and your wife is a great wife.

As some have mentioned on this forum and it bears repeating time and time again. Men are not machines (except james brown). We do not have full control over ****ie. He often does whatever he wants, like a bratty teenager.

I would say based on hearsay outside and what i've read on this forum that men (even younger ones) that work great all the time are the few exception, not the rule.


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