# He says he's thinking of cheating...on a deadline



## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Just found TAM and am so very glad I did. The advice and perspectives (and lack of bull***) on this site has been so helpful. 

I'm in so much pain right now I can't help reaching out to see what you wise folks have to say. 
First, I'm not married (please don't hate me). My LTBf and I live together, have discussed marriage since three months into our relationship (postponing because of job and money situations). Dream relationship since the first day we met. After three weeks, I had to move halfway across the country for a prior job commitment. Two months later, he moved to be with me and we've been blissfully happy for the past several years. Anytime an issue arose (maybe five times ever--we have similar points of view on just about everything) we would talk about it and be done with it. 

Re: sex life--has always been amazing and adventurous. He has shared fantasies with me that are (to him) shameful and embarrassing and I have embraced them and him. Usually 3-4x/week of really great sex. For the past month, has been very spotty (his cited reasons were work stress/injury). 

Recently I had another job offer that would mean three years of financial hardship and much personal sacrifice with a large increase in earning potential at the end. After about a month, I made the decision not to take it because I was finally settled in life and happy with my relationship (after six years of 80-hour week grad school stuff)--wanted to enjoy life as a "normal" person. If in the end my relationship didn't work out, I could at least say that I had always given 100% to my relationship, which is more precious to me than any career goal. I turned it down two weeks ago.

During my period of indecision he began to become distant, citing work stress. Couldn't tell me what decision to make because I had previously wanted this career change so badly and didn't understand that my priorities had changed. Didn't want to unduly influence me. Pulled back but swore we were fine and he wasn't going anywhere. I could sense depression in him but believed him when he said it was due to work and a chronic painful injury. I was as loving and giving as possible, thinking he was going through a difficult time and needed my support (even though I was feeling less than supported for the first time in our relationship). 


Came home from work last week and he tells me that he has been seriously considering ending things with me. Cited a bunch of external factors but when pushed for something actually having to do with me/our relationship, says that ever since I had the job opportunity he has been imagining all the possibilities of our future together, questioning whether he really wants to be with me for the rest of his life, looking at me more critically. Topped it off by saying that he respects me and that he wanted to end things before he cheated on me because he's been thinking of sleeping with other people (only for the past month, apparently), specifically a body type/complexion type completely opposite to my own. "It's only a matter of time before I would have cheated on you" and "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Beyond devastating. How could he not have told me the minute he started having doubts?? He lied to me every time I asked him if we were okay, if his stress was anything to do with us/me, etc. 

I have implemented the 180 as best I can. Going on long walks every day, getting my haircut, hanging with a girlfriend. He started sleeping in the guest room. It is beyond god-awful to live with a ghost in the house, wondering at all times where he's going, what he's doing. I had told him (June 23) that I want him out by July 1 unless he can convince me that he has some serious desire to try to talk things out/be together. I can't help asking where he's going/been (toughest part of the 180). He swears he has not met anyone specifically, has not slept with anyone or so much as kissed anyone. 

Yesterday he says that he thinks he "answered too quickly" when I asked if he was breaking up with me. Says he wonders if the doubts would just "go away." I said "what I'm not hearing is that you love me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to you--that's pretty weak." he said, "all of those things, too." Stonewalled throughout the conversation, says he needs time to think about what I said about our relationship last night. When asked, I told him there is a chance I might trust him again but that he would have to work very, very hard. 

I am debating whether to force the issue and get him out by July 1--I can't live like this until the end of July (his original idea). Don't want to push but also on a deadline and don't want to be taken advantage of by virtue of his procrastination/avoidance. 

***My big question: after being told that someone wants to cheat/is thinking of cheating on you--is it possible to EVER trust that person again? Is it possible to get beyond something like this? If so, how did you do it? In my gut I feel like he's eventually going to be begging me back, but I am on a deadline here with the living situation and doubt it's going to come in the next week. Meanwhile, for my sanity, it is NOT GOOD to continue living with him. 

After reading through this long post (thank you!!) those who are actually married--would your advice be to kick him to the curb, get out now and be glad we never actually got hitched? Or is there hope to come back from something like this?? 

Thank you any and all for your advice and wise perspective. Sorry to take up so much of your time!


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

FYI, I have the absolute highest respect and regard for marriage. I worry that you all might feel I am an "impostor" on this forum for not being married. I have had a very strong desire to get married to this man for a very long time and emotionally/spiritually have considered it de facto that we will be spending the rest of our lives together. (Was told he felt the same.) It really has been just logistics (my understanding, anyway) in terms of making it happen. 

Just desperately looking for support and wisdom at a very difficult time. 

At the moment he's completely avoiding me and treating me politely like a stranger in the house. It's killing me.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

lizabeth44, it seems to me like you have a good plan. For whatever reason, it seems like your relationship stagnated and flopped before you two achieved marriage.

There's no shame in that.

If he is considering cheating on you, and, actually, acting like he is cheating on you already, you will probably be better off if you assume the worst, and act accordingly.

I don't necessarily think that your partner admitting to having urges to cheat is a deal-breaker, but it would take some hard work to restore trust and confidence in the relationship. As you describe it, your bf is not putting that kind of effort into things.

So, based on what you have written, yeah, I think you'll be better off seeking a life partner somewhere else. And I think you can best help stbxbf by getting him out the door sooner rather than later.

You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I think you will not have much of a problem finding someone better. I suggest that you spend some time trying to understand where the relationship stalled, here, so that you don't repeat that timeline in your next relationship!

Change for the better!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would think that he's already slept with someone. Just what I got from your story.

I don't know what else to say because I'm at a point in my life where if someone wants to go-- there's the door.

And don't worry about not being married....you just have an easier out than we do


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's either already slept with someone else or he's got someone in mind, and he doesn't know where that's going to go. That's why he's jerking you around, to keep as plan B. His new fantasy makes him more critical of you. I'd still get him out; you can reevaluate later if things change, but don't be surprised if he starts with crocodile tears and admits something, or if he magically has a newgf once he moves out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Maybe prior to this new job opportunity, he was thinking that eventually you'd get married. It has been delayed largely for financial reasons, you said. If you'd taken this new job, those reasons would have continued, would they not?

Maybe he questioned your commitment to the relationship if taking the job would have meant delaying marriage. Maybe that undermined his confidence that you two have a lasting relationship, and started him thinking about moving on. He handled it poorly, though, but that does NOT mean he's already cheated or will. The job decision process may have hurt him if it would have meant no marriage, and he may have said what he did to hurt you back.

If you kick him out, you're clearly ending the relationship, and neither of you are making a real effort to save it. That's up to the two of you to decide.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Thanks for all the words of wisdom and support. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. 

As far as what went wrong, I am generally quite skeptical of someone being the blameless party....however, I genuinely can't put my finger on anything specifically that I did to cause this. My work schedule has been a little rough (working every other weekend while he has a M-F 9-5, and in my profession I will always be working some weekend days, unfortunately). He would work from home on as many of my days off during the week as possible. We always loved spending time together, couldn't wait for the other person to walk through the door, would text constantly at work "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," etc. Openness and honesty has always been a huge priority for us and I believed him when he told me he was pulling back due to work stress and not anything to do with us. 

Still did the same things, etc. I can see many things about him that changed in the past month (no longer cooking dinner, not wanting to go out, etc) that I attributed to his general depression. Didn't complain about it or try to make him feel bad about it--was just okay with whatever he wanted to do figuring he was going through a hard time. 

lifeistooshort, your thoughts mirror my own. While he was out at work I found a beard trimmer in the bathroom--new purchase--I'm sure for personal grooming. It's killing me to think of him with someone else. 

Married_But_Happy, I would absolutely LOVE to believe you're right. However, I think the opposite may be true--he mentioned at the beginning of the job debate that if I didn't take it, it would put more pressure on us both to get married ASAP to make it "worth it to me" to decline. Seemed stressed about it. I think that may be the underlying problem. Maybe more content to drift along as we have been then really make the commitment despite everything he's said. Actions speak louder than words...

He's hiding upstairs in the guestroom, obviously avoiding me like the plague. I am planning on telling him today that he has to be out July 1. It would take him begging and pleading with some sort of grand gesture to make me change my mind, and he is so far from that right now it's laughable. He can't even be in the same room with me. 

Hurts...so...badly...

Part of my female brain is worried that I am "nagging" him when I bring up talking/July 1/etc. That it makes me look bad. Twisted thinking I suppose. I should just be focusing on protecting myself and instead I'm worried that I'm giving him an excuse to leave. When he already has 1.9 feet out the door.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's not nagging if you say it once, in seriousness, and follow through.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He's already got one foot out the door. He didn't like it when you called his bluff and told him July 1 instead of when he's good and ready. He wasn't prepared for you to tell him to leave sooner rather than on his timetable.

I know this is really hard for you, but believe me, when someone brings up cheating and being so specific about who they want to cheat with, they already have someone in mind. And while this is hard for you, please take it as you are so LUCKY that he told you instead of just cheating and lying about it! Now you have a chance to make an informed decision about whether you should give more of yourself and your life to someone who isn't all in. Now you don't have to worry about STD's he's bringing home to you. 

Let him go. Sooner is better than later. You will heal and will come out of this happier in the end. The longer you stay with someone who not only isn't really interested in commitment and is more interested in other women, the longer it will be before you can find someone who is really a good match for you.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> He's already got one foot out the door. He didn't like it when you called his bluff and told him July 1 instead of when he's good and ready. He wasn't prepared for you to tell him to leave sooner rather than on his timetable.
> 
> I know this is really hard for you, but believe me, when someone brings up cheating and being so specific about who they want to cheat with, they already have someone in mind. And while this is hard for you, please take it as you are so LUCKY that he told you instead of just cheating and lying about it! Now you have a chance to make an informed decision about whether you should give more of yourself and your life to someone who isn't all in. Now you don't have to worry about STD's he's bringing home to you.
> 
> Let him go. Sooner is better than later. You will heal and will come out of this happier in the end. The longer you stay with someone who not only isn't really interested in commitment and is more interested in other women, the longer it will be before you can find someone who is really a good match for you.




Thank you guys so much. You gave me strength and courage for what had to be done. All of the below was stated very matter-of-fact and very calm. 


Okay. Did it. Told him I need him out by July 1. That I need somewhere safe for me to come home too and this house is not emotionally safe for me right now. That from what I have seen he has zero interest in working things out and I would need 100%. That I deserve better than the way he has treated me and that he is one of the most selfish people I have ever met in my life. That I am just glad that he showed me who he really is before we made a legal commitment to each other and that I have no doubt that he will regret this bit I deserve so much better. Asked if he had anything to say, he said not right now because he threw his back out last night and it was hurting. I said that's not good enough. I deserve 100% and you are giving me zero. He said okay, he will be out July first. I asked if he had anything he wanted to say to me and he said no. I said I'm not surprised, big bad [his name] who says he can handle anything except talking about something when it's really important. He raised his eyebrows and said, "I just have nothing to say. " ouch. I walked upstairs. 

Can't say that last bit didn't hurt. Part of me worries that now he thinks I am a b----- but he broke up with me...what did he expect? I don't think he was expecting me to have analyzed who he is and conclude that he is not worthy of me. Still hurts so very much....absolutely not a thought in my mind that I would be in this position even ten days ago. The dissonance is painful and terrifying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Good for you, you did the right thing. Of course it hurts but you did what you had to do and showed strength.
He doesn't get to do things on his timetable, tell him his preferred body type can take care of his back as it is no longer your problem. Tell him you hope he gets whatever he needs in this life elsewhere because you are no longer an option.

Now go do something nice for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

That was good, just keep in mind that he doesn't care about your assumptions about what he does/ doesn't want to hear from you. Your feelings and thoughtfulness only benefit you now. They're wasted on him, so when you address him, stick to your facts and boundaries. His reaction to you says as much.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

that_girl said:


> I would think that he's already slept with someone. Just what I got from your story.
> 
> I don't know what else to say because I'm at a point in my life where if someone wants to go-- there's the door.
> 
> And don't worry about not being married....you just have an easier out than we do


YES! You have such an EASY way out without the commitment of marriage or kids. Let him go. Someone who really loves you is NOT going to have any doubts about their feelings for you. Get out while you can. You will find someone who will cherish you!

You don't want him leaving you after marriage! That will be much more harder on you. Spare yourself some heartache in the future...good luck.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Oh, I just read that you told him he had to go. Sorry, well, if he didn't fight to keep you, then that says it all! He has nothing to say to you?! Nothing, really? You have shared your precious life with him yet he has nothing to say?! I don't care if his back was hurting, you and your relationship should be more IMPORTANT than anything else. Ugg, I know it's HARD. Hang in there and keep yourself occupied and follow the 180 as you have been. However this turns out, just know the pain will slowly go away. I promise.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

I can't thank you guys enough for the words of wisdom, tough love and support. Went out with a girlfriend and just got back--he's not here. Hurts and a relief at the same time. 

I just can't reconcile this man with the man who I knew and loved for years. 

How is it possible that my feelings mean absolutely nothing to him after all this time? That he can just go his own way without feeling any pain/remorse/sense of loss?? I don't understand in the slightest. 

Previous breakups have included a ton of tears on both sides. He is just...a robot. After being the most loving, affectionate, doting and devoted partner I could have ever hoped for. 

I know it's useless to try to get into his head...but I am dying inside and it hurts so much that he seems to care so little.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Because what i think is he is already cheating.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's gut wrenching.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What may happen (if he is cheating) is that he will be this robot for a while until things go sour with his person.

Then he'll focus back on you. Usually within 3 months a person comes back, no matter why they broke up (or tries to come back).

I know you have questions without answers and it's frustrating and angering and sad  Just focus on YOU. Don't worry about what HE's feeling...he isn't worrying about you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> *He's either already slept with someone else or he's got someone in mind*, and he doesn't know where that's going to go. That's why he's jerking you around, to keep as plan B. His new fantasy makes him more critical of you. I'd still get him out; you can reevaluate later if things change, but don't be surprised if he starts with crocodile tears and admits something, or if he magically has a newgf once he moves out.


Yep, this is why he has suddenly found that he's attracted to a particular look. Whatever he told you that look is, that's what the other woman looks like.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The small good news in this is you don't now have to get a lawyer or go through a divorce. You don't have to relive this day in and day out while it's processing. It's just done. I mean, he isn't home...wtf is he? 

Sorry you are going through this...is there a friend you can call?


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Thanks, ladies. 

I imagine he's with someone else. The complexion type/body type is that of his ex-wife (halfway across the country, a pathological liar who cheated on him, I have no worries about her)--but a type that used to be "his type" before he met me. I'm sure that's what this other woman looks like, too. 

Interesting about the three-months rule. Where do you get that? Personal experience or is there some sort of study?  I'd very much like to think so...

I remember we were having a casual conversation about previous break-ups after one night at the bar. He said, "If you ever left me, I wouldn't chase you. I'd know that you did what was best for you and I wouldn't want to interfere with that, you would be making your own decision." Shocked, I said, "what would happen if you left me?" He looked surprised, thought about it and said, "Well, since there's no way I would leave you unless you did something horrible like cheat on me, then I wouldn't chase you because you had done that horrible thing." 

But *I* didn't DO anything. I've just been me. The same girl he fell in love with. Though he is not half the man I thought he was. Though there is no way I would take him back, I desperately want to think that he will be coming back one day. Natural, I guess.... 

Thanks again for all the support. I am grateful that we don't have a legal commitment to each other. During the breakup convo last week, I said, "how can I trust again? This was the happiest, most secure, healthiest relationship I could possibly imagine and it is gone overnight." He just shrugged and said, "Sorry" in the most indifferent manner possible. WTF.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's interesting... In my experience the majority of people who tend to bring up the hypothetical worst case scenario, swear up and down they'll never cause it, actually do.

So from now on when I hear, "what if you never... or "I would never..." I run. I know enough now to know that anything is possible, even if highly improbable. It's a test of our boundaries, which is why if I feel anything in my gut from the line of questioning, I get outta there. 

Sorry about his robot mode, it hurts. I just experienced this myself when I dumped my last bf. He had nothing to say. It just reinforces that he's not the right one. I love men in general (as in care for them) but life's too short to deal with immature men who can't be clear with us.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

lizabeth44 said:


> Thanks again for all the support. I am grateful that we don't have a legal commitment to each other. During the breakup convo last week, I said, "how can I trust again? This was the happiest, most secure, healthiest relationship I could possibly imagine and it is gone overnight." He just shrugged and said, "Sorry" in the most indifferent manner possible. WTF.


He's checked out lizabeth44. He's not that person nor do you have that relationship that you describe anymore. But it's ok, there will be someone out there you can have that with again. You WILL be happy again. If it's not with him, it will be with some other lucky fellow. 

I wish I could help you ease your pain but just know that time really does heal.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> He's checked out lizabeth44. He's not that person nor do you have that relationship that you describe anymore. But it's ok, there will be someone out there you can have that with again. You WILL be happy again. If it's not with him, it will be with some other lucky fellow.
> 
> I wish I could help you ease your pain but just know that time really does heal.


Thanks for the support guys. At work today and feel like I am going to lose it. 
All these negatives he could have seen in me the last few weeks. Going over and over how bad I looked stating in with him every night. Even though that's all he felt like doing. Etc.

I'm a veterinarian so trying my best to focus on my patients but man this is so hard. Just thinking about what he stopped giving me and what he is giving to another woman...and what he is getting in return. Can't stop obsessing and feeling hurt/humiliated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He's got issues. People who do this kind of stuff always have a boatload of issues. And those issues follow them into every relationship they try to have because those issues lie within themselves, not their partners.

So whatever he's got going on right now, it will likely end much the same way his relationship with you did, sooner or later.

Be happy that you are free of it. You have seen his true colors and know him for what he is - bad news for any woman.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

lizabeth44 said:


> Thanks for the support guys. At work today and feel like I am going to lose it.
> All these negatives he could have seen in me the last few weeks. Going over and over how bad I looked stating in with him every night. Even though that's all he felt like doing. Etc.
> 
> I'm a veterinarian so trying my best to focus on my patients but man this is so hard. Just thinking about what he stopped giving me and what he is giving to another woman...and what he is getting in return. Can't stop obsessing and feeling hurt/humiliated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


F' him. He is not worth it - let the other girl find out the hard way he is a jerk!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I remember with my older girl's father...the first time (after we broke up) that he got a girlfriend. Not your situation, but listen. I was so jealous (weird for me) that someone else was going to get what I wanted with him (at the time). Fun, dates, hanging out, etc.

After about 9 months of them dating, they broke up. The girl found me on FB (drama) and said, "NOW I KNOW WHY YOU LEFT HIM! WHAT AN A$$HOLLLEEEEE!" I guess he had fed her lies about why he and I didn't work out, blaming me, of course 

lol People don't really change all that much, do they? He'll go on to something else, but sooner or later his shet will stink again.

It's really not you. It's him.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Thanks again for the support, guys. 

Things have gotten quite a bit more complicated in the past few days and I would love some opinions. 

Friday night, he was out all night. I assumed he was with some girl and was so hurt/angry...took the rest of his clothes out of our closet and threw them on the guest bed to help him pack. Went to work Saturday. 

Turns out, he wasn't with a girl Friday night--he was in jail. !!! Picked up for a DUI. Out with a few guys from work and didn't realize he shouldn't get behind the wheel of a car. 

I came home Saturday night to find him a total mess. The words "broken" and "rock-bottom" came to mind. He started asking me, "what the hell is wrong with me?" A night in jail really forces you to look at yourself and your priorities, apparently. He can't believe he drove drunk but more than that, can't believe he threw away the "best thing that ever happened to him." He loves me so much, can't believe he hurt me, is so ashamed of himself. Thinking that I can never love him the same way again and how could he do that? Many times I heard I was the best thing that ever happened to him and how much he loves me. Begging me back. Can't believe what a tremendous mistake he made. Doesn't know why he's so messed up in the head lately but knows it's nothing to do with me. Crying his eyes out. Can't believe he screwed up his whole life so badly in the past two weeks. 

Long story short, I told him that I don't know if I can ever trust him again but that he would have to work very, very hard. I do love him. 

He started opening up to me for the first time in weeks. Talked about how depressed he's felt, wondering where his life is going, wondering if we moved in together too quickly (a long time ago!) and if he had made the right choices. Nothing about our relationship or about me was the problem--the only problem is within him and getting "carried away" with negative thinking. 

Lots of discussions over the past few days. He maintains that he said what he did about not being attracted to me/fantasizing about a different body type because he wanted me to hate him, to push him away and tell him to go f*** himself. To make himself be the bad guy and make it easier on me. Has not kissed, slept with or even flirted with anyone. Has spent time out either with the guys from work or walking from bar to bar trying to "clear his head" with alcohol. (Note--not a huge drinker before all this.) Tried to convince himself that he didn't love me but of course he does and can't believe he ever did anything to jeopardize the relationship. I had found a beard trimmer and assumed it was for personal grooming/affair purposes--he says all the guys at work have beards now and he wanted to try it (and now that I look at him...oops..he really IS growing a beard.) 

He has promised to go to counseling to try to figure out the root cause of his depression and any other issues. Agrees that if we are still discussing moving forward together we should go to a few sessions together after his IC. 

He had actually listened to me when I said July 1 and paid a deposit on an apartment. Financially this complicates things quite a bit especially with the expense of a DUI. He has not asked me for a penny. Can't afford to break the lease on the other place so it looks like it's there for now...discussing whether to try living apart for a while, but I feel like I would have a much harder time trusting him if we were living apart.

Through the past few days, he has been saying "I love you" and calling me baby. Things aren't exactly like they were and we aren't pushing it but lots of cuddling, etc. He's treating me with respect and love. 

I don't know whether to trust all of this or not....I truly believe he had a life-changing experience the other night and I do believe that your darkest moments really force you to take a hard look at your life and make a change. However, I don't want to be used or led down the garden path only to have my heart broken later. I need to protect myself. 

All of these things (drastic appearance change--weight loss of 25# in six weeks, beard), pushing away people who are closest to you, making rash decisions about important relationships, substance use) could be due to an affair OR due to depression...and I felt like (before he broke up with me) he was very depressed. 

I have my first counseling session this afternoon, but wondering if you guys have any thoughts on the situation....this has thrown me for a total loop and I don't know what to think.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dunno...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Remember what I said about crocodile tears? Here they are.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

proceed carefully....

you have no idea if he's telling you the truth about someone else.

Do you have access to his cell phone? How about his email accounts?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Quite possible that whoever he had in mind didn't work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Are you absolutely sure he was in jail? Have you seen actual paperwork? Arrest report?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm 95% certain that he's lying. he meant every word that he said.

Just asking you to feel sorry for him crap is exactly what manipulative people do. it's exactly what cheaters do when they get caught.

it's exactly what cheaters do when plan a falls through and they need to go back to plan b

tell him to set up a lie detector test and see what he says. most likely he won't believe that you wanted to take it so you'll have to send it out. Calendar schedule. They watch the trickle truth come out . 

seriously darlin he showed his true colors to you. Don't stay with this man.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

dawned on me that he'll be expecting you to give him right when you lose his license. If you were single he would have a hardrr time getting around. 

let's face it his change of tune is conspicuously timed


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He started opening up to me for the first time in weeks. Talked about how depressed he's felt, wondering where his life is going, wondering if we moved in together too quickly (a long time ago!) and if he had made the right choices. Nothing about our relationship or about me was the problem--the only problem is within him and getting "carried away" with negative thinking.


It's a good thing he'll be living in his own apartment for a while. He has issues he needs to work through. 



> Lots of discussions over the past few days. He maintains that he said what he did about not being attracted to me/fantasizing about a different body type because he wanted me to hate him, to push him away and tell him to go f*** himself. To make himself be the bad guy and make it easier on me.


That's BS. He didn't need to tell you he's fantasizing about a different body type in order to make himself the bad guy. How would that make it easier on you? 

He didn't pull that out of his ass for some convoluted rationalization to get you to break up with him. It's been on his mind. 



> He has promised to go to counseling to try to figure out the root cause of his depression and any other issues. Agrees that if we are still discussing moving forward together we should go to a few sessions together after his IC.


Great. He can start going to IC and start doing the work on his issues. Maybe if there's some progress after six months, you can reconsider what there is between you. Or not.



> discussing whether to try living apart for a while, but I feel like I would have a much harder time trusting him if we were living apart.


If you don't trust him living apart, then you don't trust him. You just don't. If you don't trust him, why would you want him in your house?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

lizabeth44, could I ask you a question?

Ok, thanks. Here goes.

Why are YOU going to counseling?

You say that you are a Veterinarian. That is a fast paced, high stress job, and you have to be smart and dedicated to become one.

You are a competent, successful woman.

Why are you even considering spending the rest of your life with an unstable man?

Remember, this is the guy who hasn't managed to find the intestinal fortitude to man the f*ck up and offer you a ring? Don't get me wrong- I'm all for free milk, but if you're getting it from a prize cow, you're stupid not to go ahead and fence the cow in.

And here you are, with no fences in sight.

This guy is not marriage material. I can prove it- you two have lived together for years, and YOU'RE NOT MARRIED TO HIM.

Look, it's your life to spend as you see fit. You invested a lot of time and effort in becoming a Vet, and in setting yourself up to be successful in life.

The right man can take you to a higher level of satisfaction, if you find him. This guy will suck the joy out of everything, if you let him.

Choose carefully.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses, guys...I really appreciate it and you've given me a lot to think about. 

To answer a couple of your questions...

--Re: trusting him--I DID trust him until about ten days ago. Since he broke up with me and said what he did, my trust has been broken. Irreparably? I don't know--I think that depends on how things play out. 

--Re: my own counseling--I'm going to try to get an unbiased third party's perspective. I made the appointment the day after he broke up with me as a positive step for myself to help with my grief/anxiety/confusion. Now, of course, there's lots more to talk about. 

--Re: Phone access--don't have access to his phone but he recently wiped it to upgrade the OS (he's a computer guy by profession and the jailbroken iOS 7.1.2 just came out--he always upgrades right away). So, no answers there. 

--Re: arrest record--yes, I have seen it. I've also seen emails from his legal team. The amount of marketing material from DUI lawyers coming to the house also enforces that his arrest actually occurred. (Crazy amount!)

--Re: asking me for rides, etc--he has not asked me for one bit of help. Says he would expect me to tell him to go f*** himself. 

Saw my counselor for the first time yesterday. After hearing the whole story of our relationship from the beginning and every detail of what's been going on for the past few weeks, there wasn't much time for advice...will get to that next week, I suppose. In the meantime, she said that it sounds as though there is a lot of love between us and it's not wrong for me to help him in ways that I feel comfortable with. She also wouldn't recommend living apart right now. 

Interestingly, when I recounted the details of the break-up convo to her, she gently suggested that it sounds like I kind of pushed him into making a decision with the demands/questions I was asking. I told him this and he agreed--said he doesn't think he was ready to break up with me but I wanted an answer right then and there, so...Ugh. Anyways.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Look, this is not man you should marry. 
IF he cheated, he is a scuzball.
If he became depressed, his is unreliable and not man enough to be a husband and a father.
If he has a DWI, also not good for practical reasons becuase this is financailly costly and could wind up with him going to jail, losing licenese.

Love is not the only thing that matters in life. Sticking with him would be an impractical choice.


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## lizabeth44 (Jun 25, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Look, this is not man you should marry.
> IF he cheated, he is a scuzball.
> If he became depressed, his is unreliable and not man enough to be a husband and a father.
> If he has a DWI, also not good for practical reasons becuase this is financailly costly and could wind up with him going to jail, losing licenese.
> ...


That's exactly what I am afraid of....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

These are the facts in front of you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DUIs scare me when they happen to people over 18. It shows a complete lack of self awareness or responsibility. Not someone I could trust.

Maybe he came back crying about things because his other option didn't work out.

The world is a cold place out there. He knows what he had with you. He effed up. Now he's back...trying to see if you'll let him in. 

Is he marriage/LTR material? Eh...Seeing that you're not married, I'd just advise to cut your losses.

A therapist won't give advice, per say. They could give insight, but mostly it will be about how you feel and why you think you should tolerate this type of behavior.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think your counselor is going to treat this as though she were trying to save a marriage instead of what it actually is.

You will absolutely kick yourself if you get back with him. This behavior will rear its head again.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Something similar happened to me. My ex was distant/moody/aloof (unbeknownst to me at the time, he was cheating) then suddenly rededicated himself to me and our marriage. A few months later - he was moody and aloof again.

Later, when I discovered the correspondence between him and the OW, I learned she had broken it off with him during that brief "happy" blip to date someone else. Of course, "twu wuv" brought them back together.

I say this with kindness and concern - don't be so naive. There is no way what he told you is the true story. Strictly from a logic point, it doesn't make any sense. And if it doesn't make any sense, it isn't true.


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