# Cheating Fiance



## sweetpea85 (Aug 15, 2010)

My fiance just came out last Thursday as an alcoholic. He then came out and told me he had a one night stand. The thing is, we are long distance and live in different countries. We see each other every weekend and there is no lack of happiness when we are together. However the distance is so hard and in a moment of horrible pain from what i can only assume be the drinking guilt, he called someone and they ended up sleeping together. I don't know how to forgive. I thought until last week we had the perfect relationship and the distance was going to stop in 2 months. I know that an ala-non meeting would be the best thing for me but I need advice to get over the cheating part. He is the greatest man in the world, I know it was a moment of weakness but my mind is driving me crazy!!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I have been married to an alcoholic for 19 years, who cheated on me and wouldn't come clean about it even though he knew it would cost our marriage and our boys their home. 

I am not a therapist.

But I would tell you to run like hell while you still can.


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## sweetpea85 (Aug 15, 2010)

But thats the thing sticking in my head. His guilt over ran him, he did come clean without anyone knowing what was going on! He knew the possibility was me leaving and he told me anyway because he couldn't face the rest of his life lying to me. Isn't there any hope at all?


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

Everyone cheats once in any relationship... whether emotionally or physically is beside the point. Good people make bad decisions! The question you need to be asking is... "Is he a good person?" "Can I trust him to watch his steps from now?"

All we know about this guy is one bad decision he has taken. You know him more intimately and a decision on his eligibility as your husband has to come from the sum total of his personality and your relationship, not this incident which he confessed to. 

My advise - Dig deeper. Find out if there was a reason other than his guilt which caused him to confess. If guilt was the only factor, I would forgive him and try to make a life with him.


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## sweetpea85 (Aug 15, 2010)

He is a good person, my deepest darkest fear is that he did it to get out of the wedding which he denies to no end. I find myself going crazy wanting to know everything. He lives in a small town and I can almost guarentee who it was, and for whatever reason I can't let it go. It feels like him not telling me is not being 100% honest and that he is still covering his tracks. Do I have the right to know who it was, or would it do more harm than good?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

BigB said:


> Everyone cheats once in any relationship...


Huh?:scratchhead: I, for one, was in a relationship for 22 years and NEVER cheated or even thought about it. I'm sure there are plenty of others on this site who will say the same thing.

Now on to the question at hand... If I were you, I would definitely be thinking twice about marrying this man. The odds won't be in your favor once you are married. Having an alcoholic and a cheater is a double whammy.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Whatever you do, don't go through with this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Consider this:

more than 99% of people who get married the first time are 100% convinced that their love will last, that they will be able to stay married no matter what happens, that their love will never cheat on them. 

So remember, whenever you go to a first wedding (with the exception of arranged ones,) you are looking at 2 of the most love-blind and delusion people on the earth. I remember very fondly being one of them. 

Now consider this: half of those people will not stay married. They will find that people, situations, and can all change very dramatically. These changes can, for couples who don't act and learn what to do about them, ruin that perfect love and cause divorce. 

But that won't be you. Your love is too strong.

That's what we all said. Everysingleoneofus.

Marriage takes harrrrrrrd work. On both sides--not just yours. And it takes a little luck, because, well, you think you know somebody...

I'm not telling you not to marry him. But the things you have discovered indicate that you now have the odds stacked strongly against this union working. So you need to proceed very carefully, and NOT RUSH IN. You have your whole life. You can date him 20 years if you want to. If your goal is to be married once for your whole life, the very best chance you can give yourself is to NOT marry until you can look in the mirror and tell yourself that you believe with all your heart that this union will endure. If you can't, then don't do it. There is NO shame in waiting. But there is pain like you can't imagine when things fall apart. 

I wish you all the best with all the decisions in your life.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Ugh. I continue to hate my laptop keyboard.

Some corrections to the above post:
1. delusional, not delusion.
2. feelings. Feelings change.
3. I have to COMPLETELY disagree with the big b guy who said that everyone cheats once in their marriage.
But I will concede, some people who thought they never would, do. Because, like I said, people, situations, and feelings change.


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

> Matthew 5:27-28 ESV
> 
> “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.


I stand by my conviction that we all cheat on our spouses in the eyes of the lord, as Matthew explained. Men particularly. Show me a man or a woman who has not looked at another with lustful eyes and I will show you an asexual person. 

Some are weak and some are not. Some act of the lust and some don't. He acted. Will he act again? probably. Had he not cheated now could he have cheated in future? Probably. Can the next person remain true to you till the marriage and then cheat after that? Probably. 

When we love someone we give them the power to hurt us. There is not one of us who has not been hurt by people we love or hurt the people we love. Have we done it repeatedly? Not unless we are horrible human beings. This is what I asked. Is he a decent human being? Does he have, in him, the mean streak to hurt people around him repeatedly? Someone hurting us once, should be given a second chance. 

If it does not hurt the long term life plans that you have, extend the period of engagement further and try to work on making your relationship stronger. The marriage need not be immediate but after a period of falling in love again. 

You will have many ups and downs in your life and your relationships. I have known couples who have forgiven each other for adultery and then divorced on some issue that they thought was unforgivable. Relationships need a lot of dedication and a lot of sacrifice. More than anything, they need clear communication. Tell him that your first need is full disclosure. You need the name of the OW and also his line of thought leading up to the betrayal. 

I am a deeply religious person and while I do not believe in people walking away from each other, I do not believe in people living a life of misery just to satisfy the scriptures either. On another thread of this forum I was blasted for giving the advise of walking away. I might be blasted for giving you the advise to stay and work on things. 

Again, there is no guarantee of fidelity and undying love in any relationship. We generate that guarantee by constantly being each other's moral guardians. Maybe the two of need to add another dimension to your relationship and make it more wholesome and complete. Think about it and then take a decision. Remember, good people do make bad choices. 



> Luke 17:4 ESV
> 
> And if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”


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