# Very upset



## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

I never thought I would be writing to a forum about my marriage problems but here I am. I am a rather young 65 and have been married to my husband for only 5 years. I love him but the problem is he has a very bad temper and is very bull headed. I am also the same way,however things are getting worse. He has always, from the beginning yelled at me mostly for nothing. Maybe because he misunderstood the meaning of what I said or mostly how I said it. We are from different parts of the country and I have an accent although I have live in several states. I know I can be a little dramatic, it's something that runs inthe family and I might repeat myself from time to time and when I do he gets rude and yells at me. Tonight I was watching something on tv which I though was very funny and I told him about it. He came in and said that this program meant nothing to him and I told him that I was just laughing at it. He yelled at me because he said I said it like I was annoyed at him. I wasn't. I was just walking back into the room when I said it and I talk with my hands and he said it was in a way that meant I was yelling at him. I am sure this is clear as mud. Anyway, this happens very often and twice today. I did get annoyed the first time today because he told me I had 30 min to get ready to go somewhere and I was in my robe and hadn't even showered yet. Anyway this evening he walked away from me and went to bed at 8:15. He's probably watching tv. I know it sounds very unimportant but this happens at least 3 times a week and I can't take it anymore. My stomach hurts and I am having anxiety attacks. I want to leave him or throw him out but we are on SS and I can't afford much and neither can he. Please help me. Ican't go on like this much longer.


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## Ask Eve (Jan 19, 2008)

It seems there's a BIG communication problem here! Was he like this before you were married? Can I ask what your dates of birth are?

~Eve~


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

Yes, he was like this before we were married. Mine is 10/17/43 and his is 4/18/1947

He seemed to get better before we got married and now he is right back where he was. It's been going on all along. I've been fooling myself into believeing that it was better. We did communicate better in the beginning because I would insist we talk. Now I don't even bother because it's just more yelling.


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## Ask Eve (Jan 19, 2008)

Your husband is throwing your sense of equilibrium off balance here. You like peace and harmony in the home and that is not happening here because of your husband's outbursts. Also try to keep the home tidy as this man hates mess!

The way to this man's heart is praise and lots of it! He needs his ego boosted big time. He needs to know that he's admired and appreciated. He wants to be the boss in the house and he wants to be respected and listened to. Respect of course needs to be earned. What you are doing at the moment is rubbing him up the wrong way. Try not to be overly dramatic when you talk to him and try not to repeat yourself, it will only come across to him as "nagging". Humour him at times and when he shouts at you go over and give him a kiss and tell him you love it when he gets all masterful. This will take the edge off his anger, try it!

You will never win an argument with this man. And if you do get the better of him then he will sulk for days and make your life a misery. He needs to feel needed, wanted, he needs to feel as if you don't know what you'd do without him. Of course this doesn't have to be the case, just let him think it is! Ask his opinion on things and always say that's a great idea, you didn't think of that and why is he always so clever (that way you'll get opinions from him whenever you want without having to ask twice - winks). Tell him he looks good in things, for instance if you want him to wear something specific then all you have to say is "why don't you wear your beige pants today, they really suit you, you have a great butt in them", something to that effect. I can guarantee he'll come down with them on! You see, what you're trying to do here is call the shots but make HIM think it's him that's calling them lol.

I have a very good friend who is EXACTLY the same age as your husband to the very day and I know him like the back of my hand. I have always been this way with him, it boosts his ego, makes him feel good and know what... he'd do absolutely anything for me! Try it, you'll see I'm right!

~Eve~


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

Thanks for trying. Some of what you say is true but I am the neat one and he is messy. I can't help but repeat myself when I tell him a story because half the time he doesn't listen and when he does he never remembers because what I have to say isn't important. I have done all the changing in this marriage and he has done none. I would like to spend the rest of my life in peace and quiet. I have spent 5 years giving in and saying I am sorry and I feel enough is enough so I think I am going to look into leaving him. I have just set up my bed in the living room so I don't have to go into the bedroom and distrub him. Also he doesn't like it when I kiss him and say sweet things to him. He doesn't know how to deal with it.


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## Ask Eve (Jan 19, 2008)

YOU know him better than I do, he seems very set in his ways and maybe nothing will mellow him now. You seem to have made your mind up about what you want to do too. I'm just sorry it's come to that. Is there anything he could do to change the way you feel? If so then I suggest you have a frank talk with him about it. Tell him how you're feeling and see what he has to say.

By peace and harmony I meant that you like to keep a clean and tidy house, could it be you're on at him all the time for leaving things lying around? Always remember balance in everything.

You never know, maybe this is the alarm call he needs to sit back and take stock of the situation and show you some more respect.

~Eve~


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

At this point I see I am getting nowhere. I have had many frank talks with him to no avail. There is nothing else I can think of to do. Maybe someone else might come up with something. Thanks for your help anyway Eve.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> Tonight I was watching something on tv which I though was very funny and I told him about it. He came in and said that this program meant nothing to him and I told him that I was just laughing at it. He yelled at me because he said I said it like I was annoyed at him.


the minute he even raises his voice at you, leave. and leave for awhile. when he's calm briefly say, "when you are calm and speak in a soft voice, then i can understand your feelings." 

talking to him, especially when he's yelling, will not work b/c its giving him attention for negative behavior. do not give him attention when he gets this way. i hate to say it, but its kind of like training a dog. you have to stay calm, walk away, and when he calms down, then give him attention. 

maybe he needs to exercise more.


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

Thank you ljtseng. That makes a lot more sense to me. We haven't spoken in more than 24 hours even though we have been in the same house. I just know if I open my mouth he will still be angry. Actually I am afraid to open my mouth because I just am tired of being criticized. He will be playing golf in the morning so maybe when he comes home he will be in a better mood and we can talk. If he raises his voice at me I will leave. Thank you again.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> Thank you ljtseng. That makes a lot more sense to me. We haven't spoken in more than 24 hours even though we have been in the same house. I just know if I open my mouth he will still be angry. Actually I am afraid to open my mouth because I just am tired of being criticized. He will be playing golf in the morning so maybe when he comes home he will be in a better mood and we can talk. If he raises his voice at me I will leave. Thank you again.


Leaving is important, but its important to do it calmly so as not to activate him even more. and when he is calm, its important to let him know you are not happy being talked to that way. you could even write it and leave it for him so you dont even risk being caught in his emotional outburts.

what do you do all day? are you exercising, being social, active in the community?


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

I am a quilter and also teach when times are better. I have worked part time on and off but jobs are scarce around here. When I have time I do volunteer work. I don't have many friends because he always finds fault with them, and most of the time he is right. Such as they take advantage of me etc. If their husbands don't play golf then they can't be couple friends. Most of the day I am busy running errands, cleaning, cooking etc. I don't have a whole lot of time for myself. He either plays golf every morning or works at the golf course for free golf. When he comes home he puts golf on tv, gets in his recliner and falls asleep for awhile. When he is home he is either on his computer playing games, looking through ebay or watching tv or reading or both most of the time.

For now on I will leave when he raises his voice. I have done that in the past and he doesn't seem to care. Actually he gets mad at me. Right now I am sleeping in the livingroom and we are not speaking at all. I am afraid to speak to him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> For now on I will leave when he raises his voice. I have done that in the past and he doesn't seem to care. Actually he gets mad at me. Right now I am sleeping in the livingroom and we are not speaking at all. I am afraid to speak to him.


Ya you cant make this work on your own. if he's not willing to work on his anger management you have to ask yourself if this is the way you want the rest of your life.


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

When he comes home this afternoon I will try to talk to him but unfortunately I already know the outcome. He will turn it all around and make me look like the one who starts it. He will insist that he never shoots me down but always builds me up. He will yell and I will leave and come back later. We've had this talk so many times before and things change for a short time but then it's more of the same. I am tired. So very, very tired.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> We've had this talk so many times before and things change for a short time but then it's more of the same. I am tired. So very, very tired.


there are some things in my relationship that i've talked to death trying to fix. one thing i have learned with my H is that talking does very, very little in the way of change. I subscribed to some free emails from mortan ferrels (sp??) marriage thing (its on this webpage somewhere) and one of the things he said was to stop talking about your problems. I tried it with my H and it actually helped a lot. 

Einstien's definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over again expecting different results. I tried not talking about my problems very much but learning to solve them on my own. but like i said before, that can only work to a degree. he has to be willing to admit that he's part of the problem. maybe not right now, but at some point. 

It sounds like you also feel he doenst spend much quality time with you. you mentioned he's always doing other things. do you guys do anything together?


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

I will have to check out those free emails. I didn't talk to him when he got home about the situation because I am afraid to. I think he will be home tomorrow so if he is I will try then.

Yes I am aware of Einstein's definition of insanity. And you are right. I can only do so much on my own. He has to cooperate or it just won't work.

The only things we do together are mostly things he enjoys like going to ball games. He is very much into sports and I enjoy live theater, opera, ballet, etc. Mostly the arts. But I also love any kind of music except rap and love to slow dance. Once in a while I drag him to an event but he is a lump on a log and I find it had to enjoy myself when I know he is not happy. He hates music and although he led me to believe he danced he doesn't. I love the beach and he will go with me but he has to sit in the shade and read and I enjoy being in the water. We have been on several cruises and at first he enjoyed them but we did get cruised out. We travel as much as we can. He seems to like that but the money is pretty much gone now. So, I guess the answer is not very much. He loves his golf. I used to but I am so bad and he is so good that it doesn't work out.

We shall see what tomorrow brings. I am happy that you have taken the time to help me. You really are, you know. I am much calmer now. Thank you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> I didn't talk to him when he got home about the situation because I am afraid to. I think he will be home tomorrow so if he is I will try then.


that's pretty intense if you are afraid to talk to him. did he always have an anger problem? did it show up after you were together for awhile? 

If i have a real problem with something my H is doing, i will only very briefly tell him how it makes me feel. I used to explain and try to get him to understand. but he doesnt respond very well to that. i used to think he was just a jerk and wasnt really listening to me. but now i think he's just kind of in his own little emotional world and doenst really understand what im telling him. so i've learned that instead of trying to talk to him about how it makes me feel, i just tell him one thing i need him to do. 

So for example with your H, i think its really important you two start doing things you enjoy together. I would not even address his anger issue directly, I would just tell him that once a week he needs to plan something for you guys to do, and then another week you can plan something. Before you can work through the anger, you have to become friends again first. 

And for now just stick to leaving when he starts escalating. It seems he's in so much denial about the issue, that addressing it directly right now will not help either of you. 

I know im kind of just throwing a lot of things at you, but these are all things i have tried with my H that have helped. there's no one thing ive done that was the magic key. it was really a combination of a lot of things. I've had to just keep trying different approaches and keep reminding myself that change takes a long time. 



sadlady100 said:


> We shall see what tomorrow brings. I am happy that you have taken the time to help me. You really are, you know. I am much calmer now. Thank you.


Im really glad i could help. I'm glad you are calmer. I'm calmer since coming on here, too. Its really nice to have a safe, open environment to share what is really going on. and when i was at rock bottom in my relationship i started reading something by dr.phil about going through the grieving process (I had decided my relationship was 'dead'). one thing he said was to find a purpose for your suffering. that way you can at least know everything you're going through isnt in vain.


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

Well we sat down and talked and we were both pretty calm. Probably because I had made up my mind that either we work things out or we split up. We were able to address a lot of things that were bothering us both. Yes, he always had an anger problem but it didn't show much in the beginning. I think once he got very comfortable with our relationship it got worse. I do believe that for now on if something is bothering me I need to just tell him and leave it at that. If he yells I will leave and go to a movie or visit a friend. I just won't put up with it. We both agree that we need to communicate better and more often. We are both very strong personalities so that can be a problem. He thinks I like to prove him wrong and he's right. If I believe he is going about doing something the wrong way I tell him. I need to leave him alone and let him handle it is his way. 

I think taking turns planning our weekends is a great idea. That way we will be doing what we both like to do and the other one won't feel like all we do is what one wants.

I don't believe that everything is ok now, but it's a start and all we can do is take it a day at a time and see what happens. We still love eachother and that's important, and we have made it this far. We met in Dec. of 2002, got married in Aug. of 2003 and we are still together so it's not all bad. All I know is I would like to see it work out and I think our marriage is worth fighting for. We will talk again today a little. We did get invited to a Christmas party at the golf/country club where he works and I love going to parties. They are few and far between so that will be fun. He's not crazy about them but he told them we would go even before we had our talk so I know this is something he is pretty much doing for me.

It is great that we have this forum, and I will keep you abreast of what is going on. It sounds like you have been able to deal with your husband and hopefully it will work out. I have decided that no relationship, no matter how much you care for a person is perfect.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> I have decided that no relationship, no matter how much you care for a person is perfect.


Very true. I hope things start getting better for you. Good luck!


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## sadlady100 (Nov 30, 2008)

Well we are communicating so hopefully it will work out. We are both being very careful of how we approach eachother. He is not yelling and I am not demanding. I am just telling him once what needs to be done or how I feel about a situation. I feel like I am walking on eggshells but until I am used to this new way of dealing with him I guess it will feel this way. He did agree to take turns finding things to do together and I told him once a month each is enough because there are lots of things we need to do around home too. I am taking him to the movies and out to dinner this weekend and he is taking me to a Christmas party on the 19th so I think that will work. Next month he is taking me to the circus, lol since I have never been to one in my life and I am taking him to the Philharmonic. I think it can work out if we both work at it and keep communicating. Things are not perfect nor do I believe they will ever be but I have never seen the perfect relationship. I can remember as a child thinkiing my aunt and uncle had the perfect relationship and always said when I grow up that's what I want. Well when I grew up I discovered that their marriage was way far from perfect and I never would want that. I think we grow up believing love and marriage should be a certain way and when reality hits, watch out.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sadlady100 said:


> I think we grow up believing love and marriage should be a certain way and when reality hits, watch out.


Ya i do too. I think we grow up thinking love should be a certain way, so when its not exactly what we think it should be, then we decide it must be all wrong and isnt going to work out. I've decided I am clueless, however, so that's where im starting from. 

that's good that you arent being so demanding of him. You could also try doing some boundary books, either on your own or together. that has helped calm a lot of fights my H and i used to have. 

That's great that you two are starting to do things and plan things for each other. its so important to keep the friendship going. I havent been the best at that, either. I'll have to start up again after the holidays.


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