# How Many Men Didn't Reconcile After Affair and Wife Was Remorseful.



## nxs450

I was wondering how many men didn't make through there wifes affair, even though she was remorseful and did everything she was supposed to do? And why? Did it go on for to long? Did they do things that you had never done with her? Did she say he was better or bigger, or was the first to orgasm with, ect

Or was it just the fact that she betrayed you and it was a deal breaker for you. Like since she gave herself to someone else you could not live with that. Also if you did end it how long did you try to make it work?

Even though my wife did everything she was supposed to do, I sometimes feel like how can I forgive someone that did the one thing that I always considered the deal breaker that I can't forgive. Just the fact she gave her self to another man makes me feel like she new what the results would be if I were to find out, and she went ahead and did it anyway. Even though it was a one time thing for the physical part, and she claims she couldn't feel him, did not enjoy it, ect.
Then I get these guilty feelings because of my HJ ordeal in Vegas, and I feel like a hypocrite. It has been almost 4 years and I still have these strong feelings at times.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

nxs450 said:


> I was wondering how many men didn't make through there wifes affair, even though she was remorseful and did everything she was supposed to do? And why? Did it go on for to long? Did they do things that you had never done with her? Did she say he was better or bigger, or was the first to orgasm with, ect
> 
> Or was it just the fact that she betrayed you and it was a deal breaker for you. Like since she gave herself to someone else you could not live with that. Also if you did end it how long did you try to make it work?
> 
> Even though my wife did everything she was supposed to do, I sometimes feel like how can I forgive someone that did the one thing that I always considered the deal breaker that I can't forgive. Just the fact she gave her self to another man makes me feel like she new what the results would be if I were to find out, and she went ahead and did it anyway. Even though it was a one time thing for the physical part, and she claims she couldn't feel him, did not enjoy it, ect.
> Then I get these guilty feelings because of my HJ ordeal in Vegas, and I feel like a hypocrite. It has been almost 4 years and I still have these strong feelings at times.


I think what you're feeling is normal.

I was ready to leave when I found out about the
pictures and sexting going on... then that escalated into
being a 3 mo affair, with unprotected sex... 10 times.

I wouldn't say we're in full R... I don't feel I am there yet,
as it's only been a couple months since Dday.

For me, the thing that stings is buying into her bullsh!t way
of living for 17 years, only for her to spread her legs when
she's down on life and herself rather than coming and talking to me about it. 

She compartmentalized everything and it solved nothing.

Now this stain is on our "marriage" for the rest of our lives
and in a small way, I resent her for making us "one of those" couples. 
We had everything and it wasn't enough for her.

She's working hard to get herself back, but it's hard for me to
accept that someone can go out and do that, only to turn around
and act like the happiest wife in the world. My brain tells me it's
because she got to go out on the porn tour, have her fun, now it's over 
and she can safely go back to the way she lived once before.

Bullsh!t.

I was never afforded such an opportunity. Not that I'd ever
want one, but it's very convenient for her to be "over it"
since I found out about it, isn't it?

Sorry for the rant.


----------



## nxs450

cantthinkstraight said:


> I think what you're feeling is normal.
> 
> I was ready to leave when I found out about the
> pictures and sexting going on... then that escalated into
> being a 3 mo affair, with unprotected sex... 10 times.
> 
> I wouldn't say we're in full R... I don't feel I am there yet,
> as it's only been a couple months since Dday.
> 
> For me, the thing that stings is buying into her bullsh!t way
> of living for 17 years, only for her to spread her legs when
> she's down on life and herself rather than coming and talking to me about it.
> 
> She compartmentalized everything and it solved nothing.
> 
> Now this stain is on our "marriage" for the rest of our lives
> and in a small way, I resent her for making us "one of those" couples.
> We had everything and it wasn't enough for her.
> 
> She's working hard to get herself back, but it's hard for me to
> accept that someone can go out and do that, only to turn around
> and act like the happiest wife in the world. My brain tells me it's
> because she got to go out on the porn tour, have her fun, now it's over
> and she can safely go back to the way she lived once before.
> 
> Bullsh!t.
> 
> I was never afforded such an opportunity. Not that I'd ever
> want one, but it's very convenient for her to be "over it"
> since I found out about it, isn't it?
> 
> Sorry for the rant.


I know what you mean about not coming to you first. My wife claimed she tried to get me to go to MC, but I don't remember it. Even if she did she didn't try hard enough. I know if she said either we go or I am leaving I would have went. 
We had some issues back then. Money pronlems, she was addicted to scrip drugs for 2 years, and when I kicked her out because of it she quit and came back. I was resentful though and didn't realize it. That is when she claimed that she wanted to get MC, and she said she felt like I didn't love her. They were just excuses to justify what she did. She admits that they were just excuses, and said she was just selfish. That doesn't help one bit though. I still believe she should of came to me first or divorced me. I'm ranting now!


----------



## nxs450

Cantthinkstraight Is your avitar from "Apocolypse Now"?


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Yep hes the camera/reporter guy.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

nxs450 said:


> Cantthinkstraight Is your avitar from "Apocolypse Now"?


indeed it is.


----------



## morituri

I am one who did not reconcile with his remorseful cheating wife. I didn't do it because I didn't love her, I did it because I believed it would help me heal from the trauma of having seen her having sex with the OM.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed

cantthinkstraight said:


> I was never afforded such an opportunity. Not that I'd ever
> want one, but it's very convenient for her to be "over it"
> since I found out about it, isn't it?


This is how I feel about my H not needing cybersex anymore because I found out about it. This just makes me feel like.......Is it because the big fun was doing it and lying to my face? Was it part of the thrill, knowing it was secret from the spouse?


----------



## rothjl03

morituri said:


> I am one who did not reconcile with his remorseful cheating wife. I didn't do it because I didn't love her, I did it because I believed it would help me heal from the trauma of having seen her having sex with the OM.


Has it helped?


----------



## morituri

rothjl03 said:


> Has it helped?


It did because I was able to devote 100% of my energies to recover from her betrayal. But I would be lying to you if I said that divorcing her was not one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

But keep in mind that what worked for me is not necessarily going to work for others. Divorce or reconciliation depends on the people involved and their circumstances.


----------



## Acabado

Every BH who decided to R has to reach out sooner or later the same conclusion: There's no justice, no way to compensate. It happened and in order to stay you had to eat the whole sh!t sandwich, bit by bit. They get away with it. It's the nature of R.

People go with things perfectly aware it will cause tremendous damage for themself and others ALL the time, we just take the risks, call it driving like crazy men, over spending, extreme sports, drugs, gambling, alcohol, cheating... F0cking human nature, always prone to self gratification no matter what.


----------



## AngryandUsed

Acabado said:


> Every BH who decided to R has to reach out sooner or later the same conclusion: There's no justice, no way to compensate. It happened and in order to stay you had to eat the whole sh!t sandwich, bit by bit. They get away with it. It's the nature of R.
> 
> People go with things perfectly aware it will cause tremendous damage for themself and others ALL the time, we just take the risks, call it driving like crazy men, over spending, extreme sports, drugs, gambling, alcohol, cheating... F0cking human nature, always prone to self gratification no matter what.


So true, Acabado. You translated my thoughts into words.


----------



## costa200

nxs450 said:


> I was wondering how many men didn't make through there wifes affair, even though she was remorseful and did everything she was supposed to do? And why? Did it go on for to long? Did they do things that you had never done with her? Did she say he was better or bigger, or was the first to orgasm with, ect
> 
> Or was it just the fact that she betrayed you and it was a deal breaker for you. Like since she gave herself to someone else you could not live with that. Also if you did end it how long did you try to make it work?
> 
> Even though my wife did everything she was supposed to do, I sometimes feel like how can I forgive someone that did the one thing that I always considered the deal breaker that I can't forgive. Just the fact she gave her self to another man makes me feel like she new what the results would be if I were to find out, and she went ahead and did it anyway. Even though it was a one time thing for the physical part, and she claims she couldn't feel him, did not enjoy it, ect.
> Then I get these guilty feelings because of my HJ ordeal in Vegas, and I feel like a hypocrite. It has been almost 4 years and I still have these strong feelings at times.


I don't know how you guys manage to get through that and try to "save" that train wreck of a relationship. Do you ever see yourself not having that type of thoughts? That kind of disgust (i presume) of your partner, will it ever go away? 

Damn, i know if i were in your shoes i would never get back with that person, but if you guys think that's the best for you i hope you manage it somehow.


----------



## AngryandUsed

costa200 said:


> I don't know how you guys manage to get through that and try to "save" that train wreck of a relationship. Do you ever see yourself not having that type of thoughts? That kind of disgust (i presume) of your partner, will it ever go away?
> 
> Damn, i know if i were in your shoes i would never get back with that person, but if you guys think that's the best for you i hope you manage it somehow.


Not everything is fair in real life, dude.

Had it been so, why we deal with infidelity?


----------



## nxs450

morituri said:


> I am one who did not reconcile with his remorseful cheating wife. I didn't do it because I didn't love her, I did it because I believed it would help me heal from the trauma of having seen her having sex with the OM.


You didn't love her after you found out about the affair or before? I know your trauma is about as bad as it gets. I know I wouldn't be able to handle that as well. Did it help divorcing her?


----------



## nxs450

costa200 said:


> I don't know how you guys manage to get through that and try to "save" that train wreck of a relationship. Do you ever see yourself not having that type of thoughts? That kind of disgust (i presume) of your partner, will it ever go away?
> 
> Damn, i know if i were in your shoes i would never get back with that person, but if you guys think that's the best for you i hope you manage it somehow.


Everyone feels that way up front. I always said that I would leave if my wife cheated. When it happens to you it is a different story though. Everything changes. You never know until it does happen to you!


----------



## slater

nxs450 said:


> Everyone feels that way up front. I always said that I would leave if my wife cheated. When it happens to you it is a different story though. Everything changes. You never know until it does happen to you!


Truer words have never been spoken. You simply can't know until you are there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

nxs450 said:


> Everyone feels that way up front. I always said that I would leave if my wife cheated. When it happens to you it is a different story though. Everything changes. You never know until it does happen to you!


I would disagree. I see it as a person having principals and being able to uphold those principals or not.


----------



## snap

Most men think they'll never piss their pants under shelling, but many do anyway.


----------



## Goldmember357

very few men file for divorce and when they do its usually because 

wife cheated

they found another woman

wife is controlling they dont like her

Usually when i have seen men come file for divorce its really like 50/50. A good half the time they have found another woman and want to divorce their wife before she finds out that he is cheating the other half of the time they got cheated on and can't forgive her so they file for divorce and get prepared to leave. When the male comes to file for divorce if smart and if all goes well he will lose very little compared to when the female initiates the divorce. I would say the vast majority of men will not forgive a woman for cheating and will leave and that is the most logical thing to do. The reason women forgive men so often is for god knows what a million reasons and often the woman can somehow convince themselves that their life is good and their marriage can get better and they are afraid of being alone and they may be no longer financially secure should they divorce. In short a woman being cheated on is way more likely to forgive and stay than a man being cheated on. When i see women come and file for divorce citing infidelity its usually because their husband cheated on them for the 1 millionth time and they say "he promised he would stop".. Of course as we know most cheaters will cheat again.


----------



## morituri

I don't know if women are actually more forgiving then men when it comes to infidelity or not. I remember seeing many couples where the husband was the one who cheated, his wife reconciled with him but never let go of the anger and bitterness. One couple in particular I remember quite vividly because more than 5 years after the couple reconciled after the husband had the affair, the wife would lose no opportunity to berate her husband in front of other people. I told my wife (ex-wife) that if she ever cheated on me that I'd hope to divorce her rather than reconciling with her and not being able forgive her. Who knew how prophetic those words would actually turn out to be.


----------



## costa200

nxs450 said:


> Everyone feels that way up front. I always said that I would leave if my wife cheated. When it happens to you it is a different story though. Everything changes. You never know until it does happen to you!


Well, i wasn't raised that way. There is no way in hell i would swallow my pride like that. I would be feeling less than a man if i did. Heck no... I would more readily do something really violent than suck it up and take it on the chin. 



> Most men think they'll never piss their pants under shelling, but many do anyway.


In my case i find it more likely to piss myself during that situation than to take back a cheating woman. And i would feel a lot better after the shelling even with wet pants. I would never feel better with that woman. In fact the mere thought of it just brings bile to my mouth.

Never been there, hope to never be. But i hope if it does happen that i can keep my cool and not outright murder someone. 



> When the male comes to file for divorce if smart and if all goes well he will lose very little compared to when the female initiates the divorce.


Really? Why is that? I presume you're american. Does the american system take into account who initiates and why in terms of financial distribution?


----------



## Cyber Cheating Stinks

LostWifeCrushed said:


> This is how I feel about my H not needing cybersex anymore because I found out about it. This just makes me feel like.......Is it because the big fun was doing it and lying to my face? Was it part of the thrill, knowing it was secret from the spouse?


I think that is the case with my husband. It makes me feel like his mother instead of his wife. It is a real drag.


----------



## Maricha75

costa200 said:


> Well, i wasn't raised that way. There is no way in hell i would swallow my pride like that. I would be feeling less than a man if i did. Heck no... I would more readily do something really violent than suck it up and take it on the chin.
> 
> 
> 
> In my case i find it more likely to piss myself during that situation than to take back a cheating woman. And i would feel a lot better after the shelling even with wet pants. I would never feel better with that woman. In fact the mere thought of it just brings bile to my mouth.
> 
> *Never been there, hope to never be.* But i hope if it does happen that i can keep my cool and not outright murder someone.
> 
> 
> 
> Really? Why is that? I presume you're american. Does the american system take into account who initiates and why in terms of financial distribution?


Ok, wait... you have never been in a situation where your SO has been unfaithful... and you have never been unfaithful either, I presume?...So... WHY did you pick CWI to post in???


----------



## BigLiam

costa200 said:


> Well, i wasn't raised that way. There is no way in hell i would swallow my pride like that. I would be feeling less than a man if i did. Heck no... I would more readily do something really violent than suck it up and take it on the chin.
> 
> 
> 
> In my case i find it more likely to piss myself during that situation than to take back a cheating woman. And i would feel a lot better after the shelling even with wet pants. I would never feel better with that woman. In fact the mere thought of it just brings bile to my mouth.
> 
> Never been there, hope to never be. But i hope if it does happen that i can keep my cool and not outright murder someone.
> 
> 
> 
> Really? Why is that? I presume you're american. Does the american system take into account who initiates and why in terms of financial distribution?


Well, I thought of kicking the OM's ass(this particular guy would be easy), but I knew my ***** of a wife would just eat that up, two man fighting over little ol' her>. Best to walk away and never say a word. Why waste your breath?
The kids deal makes this more difficult. But, i think the kids do better if the BS is not a doormat role model.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

I can't help but think that the original post was strongly referring to me lol. In regards to the size/orgasm thing. Hmm, perhaps I am wrong


----------



## lordmayhem

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I can't help but think that the original post was strongly referring to me lol. In regards to the size/orgasm thing. Hmm, perhaps I am wrong


Don't give yourself too much credit. The size/orgasm thing is a question that the majority of BHs ask. Because a PA is so emasculating to the BH. Mostly due to the fact that in the vast majority of cases, the WW will give everything and do everything with her OM that she won't do or has always denied doing for her BH.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Lol alrighty. I just saw that and was like whoa okay 
That is weird. Why would the wife deny one man something (especially the husband), then give another man the thing she denied the other man? I guess I am just young and naive and have barely begun to understand affairs.


----------



## snap

costa200 said:


> Well, i wasn't raised that way. There is no way in hell i would swallow my pride like that. I would be feeling less than a man if i did. Heck no... I would more readily do something really violent than suck it up and take it on the chin.


My friend, until you've been there it's just empty machismo.


----------



## costa200

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, wait... you have never been in a situation where your SO has been unfaithful... and you have never been unfaithful either, I presume?...So... WHY did you pick CWI to post in???


Because i've been reading these stories and have recently seen this kind of activity in people close to me. The subject interests me because putting myself in those shoes i feel the pain in a very real way. 

Why? Do i have to have cheated or been cheated on to be able to give my opinion in this part of the forum?

I'm just making an effort to imagine myself in that situation. If every guy did this, perhaps they would not cheat on their wives. Don't you think i may be on to something here?



> My friend, until you've been there it's just empty machismo.


No it isn't. I'm basically pretty sure about that. I just hope that if the situation does happen i'm able to keep a cool head and just not do something stupid. I'm really liking the passive agressive thing of just dumping her without a fuss like she was nothing. Pretty classy i would say.



> Well, I thought of kicking the OM's ass(this particular guy would be easy), but I knew my ***** of a wife would just eat that up, two man fighting over little ol' her>. Best to walk away and never say a word. Why waste your breath?
> The kids deal makes this more difficult. But, i think the kids do better if the BS is not a doormat role model.


That's class, well done.


----------



## anonymouskitty

costa, I really do appreciate that you're contributing to the forum 

But what I can tell you is that unless you've been in the driver's seat of the infidelity wrecking ball you're never going to truly understand how a BS feels, i don't think you've spent nights upon nights wondering about how your kids are going to cope up with it, or how they're going to turn out in the future, I don't think you've spent days thinking about what you did to deserve something like this, I don't think you've ever felt the pain of wondering if all you worked for and all you gave was redirected at someone else who gave nothing, I really don't think you've been in a situation where half your materialistic possessions are going to be taken away from you , I don't believe you've been in a position where the house that you built through your own sweat and tears and where you've forged memories is going to have to be sold to the highest bidder in the market, and don't even get me started on how agonizing it is when someone you've trusted throughout becomes a stranger in your eyes in one single second. Do you know how emasculating being in that position actually is? Do you realize that for the BS this betrayal could signify the end of a chapter in his life without him/her doing the writing? Do you know how hard it is for a person to deal with a mate who's gone to the lengths of discussing about your assets and the house's cost with a solicitor without your knowing anything about it? Do you know how it feels to know that you're wife or husband came through that door and slept in your bed after you've found out that they've also been sleeping with someone else?

Bravado is good mon ami, it really makes the ladies sit up and take notice but your alpha maleness and your apparent condescension is neither acknowledged or appreciated by a BS fresh off the infidelity train

You might say "You cheat on me and I'll be out the door licketty spit" and its a healthy attitude to have no doubt but unless you're actually in the rough you'll never know where your thoughts take you as they're all a jumble inside your head. 

I'm assuming that you're young and have a grand life ahead but please don't assume how things work without experiencing it. When it does happen keeping a cool head is best but its a monumental achievement if you can alpha or beta it really doesn't matter.

Having said that, this is a forum and you're free to express your thoughts and opinions just as long as they're not inappropriate, but do so with the belief that what you're saying here could impact a person's life. Don't just give off the aura of "my way or no way". Not needed not appreciated

All the best


----------



## snap

costa200 said:


> No it isn't. I'm basically pretty sure about that. I just hope that if the situation does happen i'm able to keep a cool head and just not do something stupid. I'm really liking the passive agressive thing of just dumping her without a fuss like she was nothing. Pretty classy i would say.


Yes, everyone is pretty sure about that. I was too.


----------



## 2xloser

anonymouskitty said:


> costa, I really do appreciate that you're contributing to the forum
> 
> But what I can tell you is that unless you've been in the driver's seat of the infidelity wrecking ball you're never going to truly understand how a BS feels, i don't think you've spent nights upon nights wondering about how your kids are going to cope up with it, or how they're going to turn out in the future, I don't think you've spent days thinking about what you did to deserve something like this, I don't think you've ever felt the pain of wondering if all you worked for and all you gave was redirected at someone else who gave nothing, I really don't think you've been in a situation where half your materialistic possessions are going to be taken away from you , I don't believe you've been in a position where the house that you built through your own sweat and tears and where you've forged memories is going to have to be sold to the highest bidder in the market, and don't even get me started on how agonizing it is when someone you've trusted throughout becomes a stranger in your eyes in one single second. Do you know how emasculating being in that position actually is? Do you realize that for the BS this betrayal could signify the end of a chapter in his life without him/her doing the writing? Do you know how hard it is for a person to deal with a mate who's gone to the lengths of discussing about your assets and the house's cost with a solicitor without your knowing anything about it? Do you know how it feels to know that you're wife or husband came through that door and slept in your bed after you've found out that they've also been sleeping with someone else?
> 
> Bravado is good mon ami, it really makes the ladies sit up and take notice but your alpha maleness and your apparent condescension is neither acknowledged or appreciated by a BS fresh off the infidelity train
> 
> You might say "You cheat on me and I'll be out the door licketty spit" and its a healthy attitude to have no doubt but unless you're actually in the rough you'll never know where your thoughts take you as they're all a jumble inside your head.
> 
> I'm assuming that you're young and have a grand life ahead but please don't assume how things work without experiencing it. When it does happen keeping a cool head is best but its a monumental achievement if you can alpha or beta it really doesn't matter.
> 
> Having said that, this is a forum and you're free to express your thoughts and opinions just as long as they're not inappropriate, but do so with the belief that what you're saying here could impact a person's life. Don't just give off the aura of "my way or no way". Not needed not appreciated
> 
> All the best


:iagree: Fantastic post here. I was one that said those very words TO HER -- after having been through D #1, should wife #2 cheat in any way I'd be gone in a split-second. She didn't have a sexual relationship, but shared "I love you's" with another man. 
it is now 13 months later and I move out next week, having been through MC and IC and agonizing over all of the issues anonymouskitty has raised here - and plenty more. My financial future is gone. My son will now come from a broken household. My life as I knew it is essntially over. Sounds simple, to say I've got my "pride", but crying myself to sleep over it for days, weeks, months cannot be understood until one goes through it and experiences it. I can't get past it. I tried, despite thinking I never would give it a second thought.

And as far as inflicting a heap o' pain on the OM, I was positive that, too, would happen. But in the process of plotting and planning his demise, I realized (a) jail time was not worth it, I owed my child better than that, and (b) HE didn't make the vows to me, she did. So, he can still walk, unfortunately... 

Good luck.


----------



## Sara8

morituri said:


> I don't know if women are actually more forgiving then men when it comes to infidelity or not. I remember seeing many couples where the husband was the one who cheated, his wife reconciled with him but never let go of the anger and bitterness. One couple in particular I remember quite vividly because more than 5 years after the couple reconciled after the husband had the affair, the wife would lose no opportunity to berate her husband in front of other people. I told my wife (ex-wife) that if she ever cheated on me that I'd hope to divorce her rather than reconciling with her and not being able forgive her. Who knew how prophetic those words would actually turn out to be.


I agree Mori:

I think the majority of the woman may stay in the marriage longer, but eventually bail, even if the man never cheats again. They just get fed up with putting up with his faults after he broke his vows.

I have heard of this happening often with women. Women tend to build up resentment before taking action

The majority of the Men seem to bail more quickly though, if a wife cheats. They are more angry and reactive.


----------



## lordmayhem

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Lol alrighty. I just saw that and was like whoa okay
> That is weird. Why would the wife deny one man something (especially the husband), then give another man the thing she denied the other man? I guess I am just young and naive and have barely begun to understand affairs.


Then here's some suggested reading for you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html


----------



## costa200

> But what I can tell you is that unless you've been in the driver's seat of the infidelity wrecking ball you're never going to truly understand how a BS feels,


I fully understand that. I know only in the foxhole can see if you got what it takes. I do hope i never have to try it first hand. I casually got in this forum and was just horrified at the accounts here. 

Stuff that gets told here is right on level of the most serious abuse i've seen written about relationships. 

And take note, i fully respect every guy here. Anyone can be put in this position.


----------



## Cyber Cheating Stinks

lordmayhem said:


> Then here's some suggested reading for you.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html


Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights saved my sanity. THANK you so much for posting that. It is a must read!


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

LordMayhem, that post was sad :/ I honestly can't think of anything that I did with the OM that I wouldn't love to do with my husband. 
However, I did learn some things I didn't know I would enjoy and so I am not sure how the husband would feel about doing it (rougher, slightly dominating). There is something the OM and I did that I KNEW I wanted from my husband (more affection during the sex, switch it up between love making and dominating at different sessions), that he doesn't do. It didn't feel like porno sex or extremely romantic, it felt like just sex.

If my husband started being forceful with me in the sheets I would be elated, and who knows, maybe that might help me reach the O with him. I can't see him being forceful but I've learned from that link you posted as well as other resources that ya don't really know till you ask! Now how to ask... that's the hard part.


----------



## matt82

costa200 said:


> I don't know how you guys manage to get through that and try to "save" that train wreck of a relationship. Do you ever see yourself not having that type of thoughts? That kind of disgust (i presume) of your partner, will it ever go away?
> 
> Damn, i know if i were in your shoes i would never get back with that person, but if you guys think that's the best for you i hope you manage it somehow.


Right on. I found out my wife was having (at least) an EA. I had e-mails and texts as proof. She still wouldn't admit to it, so I moved out. I knew I could never trust that person again.

Problems went well beyond the infidelity though, that was just the clincher. Can't stick with a cheater.


----------



## Bugz Bunny

I am a person with high self esteem and with high morals...In everything that I do in my life (not only a relationship/marriage) I am always trying to do everything the right way,to always consider how my actions are afecting other people and I always make sure to never intentionally do anything wrong to anyone...

So when its about marriage or a relationship with a woman I always respect the OP in my relationship and I know myself and know that I would never deceive,betray or humiliate the person that loves and respects me and that I love,and thats something that I also expect in return from the OP...

So when my exW cheated I filed for D the day after Dday and I never looked back...I always knew that if I stayed with her that I would resent her,that the infidelity would always be on my mind,and I would never be truly happy with her again...I knew when she cheated that the "magic" is gone and that its time to move on...

We only live once and this life is damn short to waste it on repairing something that cant be repaired or undone...So instead of wasting my money on MC I decided to use this money to buy myself things and go to places where I couldnt go while I was married because my exW didnt like some sports activities...I also spent money on my kid instead of wasting it on MC and pretending to be happy...

Thats my short post divorce story and I can honestly say that life is great and that you will heal after divorce...

You dont need anyone to be happy,you need only yourself and an positive mind...In the end we came to the world alone and we will go alone from it, so always try to enjoy your life because its damn to short...


----------



## Posse

AngryandUsed said:


> Not everything is fair in real life, dude.
> 
> Had it been so, why we deal with infidelity?


Life is just plain unfair.

Bad things happen to good people.

Good things happen to bad people.

We all take blows we should never have to take.

You can be the most virtuous person with the highest character and things will happen to you that you don't deserve.

At the same time, some of the biggest scumbags will walk between the raindrops.

Live your life expecting fairness, and you will end up getting eaten alive. Don't ever expect your character to make a difference. After 22 adult years seeing people at their best and worst, I have long ago lost my belief in karma.


----------



## confusedFather

I'm 5 months to the day from D-day and I'm still not sure. My wife's affairs occurred 22 years before I found out. We had a very good marriage on D-day so we had nothing to "fix". She's been completely transparent, remorseful, and willing to doing anything to make things better. I've forgiven her but it is still hard. I still think about it all the time and the constant pain is slowly changing how I feel about her. All I can do is continue to forgive and trust in God.


----------



## TheQueen

morituri said:


> I am one who did not reconcile with his remorseful cheating wife. I didn't do it because I didn't love her, I did it because I believed it would help me heal from the trauma of having seen her having sex with the OM.


Actually having seen it with your own two eyes? Man that's not perceived mind movies but actual reality. That would be extremely harsh and difficult to move past and R.


----------



## TheQueen

Posse said:


> Life is just plain unfair.
> 
> Bad things happen to good people.
> 
> Good things happen to bad people.
> 
> We all take blows we should never have to take.
> 
> You can be the most virtuous person with the highest character and things will happen to you that you don't deserve.
> 
> At the same time, some of the biggest scumbags will walk between the raindrops.
> 
> Live your life expecting fairness, and you will end up getting eaten alive. Don't ever expect your character to make a difference. After 22 adult years seeing people at their best and worst, I have long ago lost my belief in karma.


That's so true and it hurts. It hurts to know that though you might be the epitome of humanity and society you can get handed a deal worse than what one would label the scum of the earth would get. It hurts something fierce. But it hurts even more when in trying to figure out the answer to why this occurs; all trails lead to "Life isn't fair". So the sooner one realizes that that is indeed the only answer, accepts and deals with this reality, the better and quicker to handle the cards thrown your way- crappy or not. (Unless perhaps one believes in a higher power and that all things happen for a good reason eventually to your benefit).


----------



## badmemory

I certainly can relate to the difficulty of R, even with a perfectly remorseful spouse. For the 13 months following Dday, I couldn't have asked my wife to do any more.

But here's the rub. When you swallow as much pride as I have, you always have doubts about making the right decision. Always. I'll never be able to forget the 2 year PA with her best friend's husband. I'll never be able to completely forgive her.

I found all his 4000 facebook messages to her detailing their sexual acts, his perverted sex fantasies, their threesome with another woman, his bragging about taking my woman from me, him calling me every name in the book, her sharing our marital secrets and financial information, and their plans for a future together. The admission from her that I was a plan B while this occurred. The attempted but aborted exit affair because he wouldn't leave his wife.

It was like a bomb exploded and the after effects put me in a haze for the months. What I'm finding is that as each month passes from Dday, I'm finding it more difficult to show love and affection. Resentment is a constant companion and growing. Even as she continues to be the perfect wife I never had. My hope is that what I'm going through now is a valley and I'll eventually find my way over the next hill. Our 25th anniversary was yesterday and I've decided I'm going to give it some more time before I throw in the towel.

So when I hear about those BS's who left their wife for less than I've had to endure, or those who know they would if it happened to them; I don't judge them - because they may be right. Self respect is important.

That said, I truly believe that those that have dispensed advice to BS's, including myself, need to understand something. We can't know every nuance of their relationship, no matter how much information they post. We should offer up our assistance based on our experiences, but not be overly critical of them up if they take a different path. Even if we know "we're" right. Sometimes people have to see for themselves.


----------



## gonegirl

From a woman who has cheated on her husband, and he found out and left, then we tried reconciling, and now he wants to divorce again...let me just try to explain a woman's perspective. No spouse deserves to be cheated on; in hindsight, a divorce or break up before someone else is involved is ideal. But in dealing with a gray world where there are hardly any absolutes, people can talk themselves into doing pretty much anything if they justify it in their mind.

For me, the root cause was no self worth and no self esteem. I looked for validation elsewhere, and eventually to outside my marriage, because I felt like I was being failed by my husband. Why can't he make me feel good about myself? He's hard on me. I don't feel desirable. Blah blah blah. Guess what? I was an idiot. Self worth comes from within, and when you look to other people for validation, you'll keep repeating the same cycle with different people and you'll keep failing at relationships. The saying that you can't love someone until you love yourself is a true fact. 

But unfortunately, with my new found self worth, the damage it took to get there is huge and he says we're too far gone. He's hurt, bad. I cut him off at the knees. He's bleeding so bad and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. When I mention reconciling, it seems to get him angrier. He deserves space and time to think and time away. We cannot control other people, so I know enough to not try and force forgiveness. All I can do is love myself, love him, and show him the love and respect that he deserved from day one, even if we no longer stay married.

Women aren't stupid, generally. But even the strong ones, the smart ones, the beautiful ones are vulnerable. And when they don't feel good about themselves in any way or are vulnerable, someone who comes along and makes them feel desirable (even the obvious predator douche bags) is a recipe for disaster and destruction. But it's camouflaged by sweet words or gestures. Infidelity isn't always physical. It can be emotional too. And until reality hits hard and someone gets hurt, and those rose colored glasses are torn off your face, those consequences are easily talked out of the equation. 

I'm sickened by my choices, by the hurt my husband is going through, by the fact that I gave up on us in such a disgusting way...when all I could have done was TALKED to him about my feelings months before an affair even was considered. So please...if you're wife or girlfriend wants to talk, please don't disregard it. Pay attention to her, appreciate her...because a woman who feels appreciated, will reciprocate. Because both the husband and the wife need to feel wanted, needed, desired, loved. Both spouses need security in each other's love. And adding another person to the mix is the biggest mistake anyone can ever make. 

Good luck with your lives and your marriages, everyone. I hope we all find happiness, learn from past mistakes rather than repeating them, and that we are thoughtful in all relationship decisions where you consider all aspects of a choice, and can recognize when those dangerous, rose-colored glasses start to make an appearance.


----------



## ConanHub

Zombie...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Still a good post from gonegirl...

Start a thread and tell us your story gonegirl.


----------



## Wolf1974

gonegirl said:


> From a woman who has cheated on her husband, and he found out and left, then we tried reconciling, and now he wants to divorce again...let me just try to explain a woman's perspective. No spouse deserves to be cheated on; in hindsight, a divorce or break up before someone else is involved is ideal. But in dealing with a gray world where there are hardly any absolutes, people can talk themselves into doing pretty much anything if they justify it in their mind.
> 
> For me, the root cause was no self worth and no self esteem. I looked for validation elsewhere, and eventually to outside my marriage, because I felt like I was being failed by my husband. Why can't he make me feel good about myself? He's hard on me. I don't feel desirable. Blah blah blah. Guess what? I was an idiot. Self worth comes from within, and when you look to other people for validation, you'll keep repeating the same cycle with different people and you'll keep failing at relationships. The saying that you can't love someone until you love yourself is a true fact.
> 
> But unfortunately, with my new found self worth, the damage it took to get there is huge and he says we're too far gone. He's hurt, bad. I cut him off at the knees. He's bleeding so bad and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. When I mention reconciling, it seems to get him angrier. He deserves space and time to think and time away. We cannot control other people, so I know enough to not try and force forgiveness. All I can do is love myself, love him, and show him the love and respect that he deserved from day one, even if we no longer stay married.
> 
> Women aren't stupid, generally. But even the strong ones, the smart ones, the beautiful ones are vulnerable. And when they don't feel good about themselves in any way or are vulnerable, someone who comes along and makes them feel desirable (even the obvious predator douche bags) is a recipe for disaster and destruction. But it's camouflaged by sweet words or gestures. Infidelity isn't always physical. It can be emotional too. And until reality hits hard and someone gets hurt, and those rose colored glasses are torn off your face, those consequences are easily talked out of the equation.
> 
> I'm sickened by my choices, by the hurt my husband is going through, by the fact that I gave up on us in such a disgusting way...when all I could have done was TALKED to him about my feelings months before an affair even was considered. So please...if you're wife or girlfriend wants to talk, please don't disregard it. Pay attention to her, appreciate her...because a woman who feels appreciated, will reciprocate. Because both the husband and the wife need to feel wanted, needed, desired, loved. Both spouses need security in each other's love. And adding another person to the mix is the biggest mistake anyone can ever make.
> 
> Good luck with your lives and your marriages, everyone. I hope we all find happiness, learn from past mistakes rather than repeating them, and that we are thoughtful in all relationship decisions where you consider all aspects of a choice, and can recognize when those dangerous, rose-colored glasses start to make an appearance.


Could have been written by my x with the exception of the remorse part, she has none of that. Sorry this has cost you so much. I can only hope moving forward in a new relationship you make the right choices.


----------



## sparrow555

gonegirl said:


> From a woman who has cheated on her husband, and he found out and left, then we tried reconciling, and now he wants to divorce again...let me just try to explain a woman's perspective. No spouse deserves to be cheated on; in hindsight, a divorce or break up before someone else is involved is ideal. But in dealing with a gray world where there are hardly any absolutes, people can talk themselves into doing pretty much anything if they justify it in their mind.
> 
> For me, the root cause was no self worth and no self esteem. I looked for validation elsewhere, and eventually to outside my marriage, because I felt like I was being failed by my husband. Why can't he make me feel good about myself? He's hard on me. I don't feel desirable. Blah blah blah. Guess what? I was an idiot. Self worth comes from within, and when you look to other people for validation, you'll keep repeating the same cycle with different people and you'll keep failing at relationships. The saying that you can't love someone until you love yourself is a true fact.
> 
> But unfortunately, with my new found self worth, the damage it took to get there is huge and he says we're too far gone. He's hurt, bad. I cut him off at the knees. He's bleeding so bad and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. When I mention reconciling, it seems to get him angrier. He deserves space and time to think and time away. We cannot control other people, so I know enough to not try and force forgiveness. All I can do is love myself, love him, and show him the love and respect that he deserved from day one, even if we no longer stay married.
> 
> Women aren't stupid, generally. But even the strong ones, the smart ones, the beautiful ones are vulnerable. And when they don't feel good about themselves in any way or are vulnerable, someone who comes along and makes them feel desirable (even the obvious predator douche bags) is a recipe for disaster and destruction. But it's camouflaged by sweet words or gestures. Infidelity isn't always physical. It can be emotional too. And until reality hits hard and someone gets hurt, and those rose colored glasses are torn off your face, those consequences are easily talked out of the equation.
> 
> I'm sickened by my choices, by the hurt my husband is going through, by the fact that I gave up on us in such a disgusting way...when all I could have done was TALKED to him about my feelings months before an affair even was considered. So please...if you're wife or girlfriend wants to talk, please don't disregard it. Pay attention to her, appreciate her...because a woman who feels appreciated, will reciprocate. Because both the husband and the wife need to feel wanted, needed, desired, loved. Both spouses need security in each other's love. And adding another person to the mix is the biggest mistake anyone can ever make.
> 
> Good luck with your lives and your marriages, everyone. I hope we all find happiness, learn from past mistakes rather than repeating them, and that we are thoughtful in all relationship decisions where you consider all aspects of a choice, and can recognize when those dangerous, rose-colored glasses start to make an appearance.






> So please...if you're wife or girlfriend wants to talk, please don't disregard it. Pay attention to her, appreciate her...because a woman who feels appreciated, will reciprocate.


:nerd:

Message started off well but finally ended with "Women cheat because of the emptiness in heart caused by the BS."

It is one of the reasons but not the only reason. Am I nitpicking here ?


----------



## BetrayedDad

gonegirl said:


> So please...if you're wife or girlfriend wants to talk, please don't disregard it. Pay attention to her, appreciate her...because a woman who feels appreciated, will reciprocate.





sparrow555 said:


> :nerd:
> 
> Message started off well but finally ended with "Women cheat because of the emptiness in heart caused by the BS."
> 
> It is one of the reasons but not the only reason. Am I nitpicking here ?



A little bit...

It's not an invalid message but it is irrespective of cheating. That message applies even if there is no infidelity. 

Women need to feel appreciated like men need sex. It's a his needs, her needs thing. It's general advice that helps make a relationship better for both sides.

I can see why you're applying it to cheating due to it's context. It's a good message so give it the benefit of the doubt. I don't think it was blame shifting.


----------



## Icey181

gonegirl's message is a good one, deserves a read or two.

But I have to agree with sparrow555…once we hit the fourth paragraph all I see is slight moralizing and blame shifting.

Which is to be expected; I do not think I have ever seen a purely remorseful acceptance of blame from a cheater.

Then again, given my views on what cheating is, I do not think one is actually possible.

You cannot lie to yourself.

People know what they are doing and they know what the consequences are. They just do not care in the moment.

Definitely worth a read though.


----------



## morituri

I think where gonegirl is off is where she attributes spousal neglect as THE environment that makes an affair possible and ignores that there are other environments that contribute to an affair and that are independent of the BS actions or lack of. Nevertheless I commend her post for owning her actions.


----------



## Graywolf2

BetrayedDad said:


> Women need to feel appreciated like men need sex. It's a his needs, her needs thing. It's general advice that helps make a relationship better for both sides.


YES!


----------



## BetrayedDad

morituri said:


> I think where gonegirl is off is where she attributes spousal neglect as THE environment that makes an affair possible


Tough crowd..... and I thought I was hard on cheaters.



gonegirl said:


> For me, the root cause was no self worth and no self esteem. I looked for validation elsewhere, and eventually to outside my marriage, because I felt like I was being failed by my husband. Why can't he make me feel good about myself? He's hard on me. I don't feel desirable. Blah blah blah. Guess what? *I was an idiot.* Self worth comes from within


She flat out says she was an idiot for blaming her husband for failing her and being hard on her. That it was all about her lack of self worth and she owns it.


----------



## bandit.45

I used to be one of the biggest offenders when it came to jumping on waywards. I've mellowed out a lot. It was actually Tears who turned me around and showed me that not all waywards are cut from the same cloth. I think gonegirl may be of the same ilk as Tears and EI. 

I think we need to back off on waywards who are at least attempting to own their sh!t, and make them feel a bit safer when wanting to come here and participate.


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> I used to be one of the biggest offenders when it came to jumping on waywards. I've mellowed out a lot. It was actually Tears who turned me around and showed me that not all waywards are cut from the same cloth. I think gonegirl may be of the same ilk as Tears and EI.
> 
> I think we need to back off on waywards who are at least attempting to own their sh!t, and make them feel a bit safer when wanting to come here and participate.


Welcome to geezerhood bandido. :grin2:


----------



## Bodhitree

There is a lot of really good stuff here- I think gonegirl and others make valid points. I am 3 1/2 years removed from my wife having cheated- going off the deep end with two different guys within months of each other. You all know the story- it's the same over and over. We are still trying, this many years later.

Now here are a couple of things that I think-
1) The hard part is that with the exception of very few, there is very little remorse at the outset. The cheater never comprehends they may get caught, and the psychological self imposed "brainwashing" that it is somehow justified is the foundation for the boundaries being let down. Of COURSE it is the BS fault. Now, given that- do you think once it is blown up the cheater is going to immediately come to the realization that their belief system is ****ed up? No way, they have to protect it - initially at least - because they built up a fortress of self deception- why would this stop after things are blown up?

2) The low self worth, low self esteem is spot on. Is it not true that often (typically?) the dudes they **** are big losers? Mine picked two BIG losers to perform her sexual magic on. Do you think any man worth a **** would be involved with a desperate, married woman? Many of which have families and kids? Answer is a resounding NO. Those dudes couldn't give a **** about her, me our our kids. And I think that is what hurts the BS as much as anything.

3) I used to adhere to the "she got away with it" stuff. Then, as my anger subsided, I stepped back away from my judgments of her. EVERYONE in our families (because I made sure they knew it) knows what she did. She still to this day scrambles to say "our relationship wasn't good before it happened". Okay, fine, it wasn't- but deep down, she KNOWS how she is viewed by everyone. As a mother- she knows our grown daughter knows what she did. Her Dad knows, her Mom knows, brothers and on and on and on. All the people at the place she worked knew - I guarantee because I'm sure those dudes were telling everyone- even though she felt she could trust them fully. Think about it- did she really "get away" with anything? How would you like to live with knowing that everyone knows and thinks your a ****. And also the stigma of a cheater. And not to mention the loss of respect she caused for the entire family. KNOWING she is the cause. Even though she WANTS to pin some of the blame on me. No way, no how. I doubt if I was in a cheaters shoes that I would feel as if I "got away" with ANYTHING. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes , that is for damn sure. Remember too, that when a person has hurt others, especially their family, they are going to flail away and try and blame the BS. I don't put too much credence in that. She and I deep down know- even though she tries to convince herself otherwise.

4) Life is truly about forgiveness. For some, that allows the relationship to be reconciled (or the effort), for others, it means relationship is over. But either way, whether you stay or go, you have to forgive, and truly release yourself and the other person from your condemnation. That is the part I struggle with 3 1/2 years later. Think about it- my spouse has been in and out with me for 3 1/2 years- think she isn't remorseful? Even if she gets angry, and blames me, she KNOWS what happened is her fault.

Nothing is impossible. I'm nearing 50 years old. I truly believe that both of us have no interest in any more pain in our relationship. I really doubt she would ever do it again. Unless she is a sex addict or some such thing- and if she is, she has been doing it for 25 years without me noticing it. But then again- who the hell knows. 

All I can say is that I wouldn't want to be in her shoes the past 3 1/2 years. Maybe she TEMPORARILY felt like a 20 year old - had fantastic sex with a loser or two- so did she really "get away" with it. The wounds are likely life long. She claims i'm the "love of her life" and we are still trying to reconcile this long after the fact- was it worth it? Did she really "get away" with anything- look at how she has had to live through this (not feeling sorry- just pointing out it's not as "easy" as we BS think it is for them). 

Anyway, enough- good luck to all, whatever decision you make.

Bod


----------



## unblinded

gonegirl said:


> But unfortunately, with my new found self worth, the damage it took to get there is huge and he says we're too far gone. _*He's hurt, bad. I cut him off at the knees. He's bleeding so bad and I can't do a damn thing to stop it.*_ When I mention reconciling, it seems to get him angrier.


That...that is is the issue. How does he get past the perception of you going out and getting your jollies when it suited you, then coming back when you were done? That level of betrayal is devastating to to a relationship...it changes everything.

That aside, I commend you, gonegirl, for sharing your story and owning your actions. Even if your marriage ends, I think you being accountable for your behavior is an excellent start to rebuilding your character.


----------



## Doyle

A fine post by Bodhitree. Nuff said.


----------



## ClairesDad

Both my ex's were remorseful and sorry. More sorry that they were caught than anything. Trying to get the truth out of my second wife was hard. She liked to trickle truth. I never got the full story. I also feel if I hadn't discovered her affair it either would have continued or she would have moved onto someone else. She had also kept up contact with two old boyfriends throughout our entire relationship. One of which was her old neighbor with whom she had cheated on her first husband with. She expressed a lot of remorse and in reality life would have been much easier, like finances, if we'd have stayed together. But I don't think I would ever be able to trust her ever again. I couldn't live like that. I feel I would be compromising my dignity and my self respect if I'd have stayed with her. The whole experience has truly tainted my view of any future relationships I might have.


----------



## doomsday

We are built for breeding the love stuff might as well be a rainbow, we can describe it we've seen it but its just a pleasant image. You can make that image if you can honestly say that its not that bad. But to do that you have to realize no one changes we only learn to react a different way, you could say thats change but our brain is wired by now. If you can say that if the situation happens again that she wont do it; that she has the will to remember years of dedication with you or an hour of fun with a stranger and the promise of more. Don't blame an animal for being one some people just enjoy the Roman way. Its ancient and millennia may pass but nature will always win unless both people recognize and and want to choose differently. Id say she will do it again if she wants its her coping mechanism or whatever and you got to decide if its worth keeping that b.s. around, you can talk and fix and get the warm n fuzzies but when your brain gets off that high youll have to deal with a being whose brain has been hard wired for decades and genetically is programed to do what we all love so much. 

I wanted to let her come back, time and problems had changed us but I was just to dead towards her that I couldn't fake it. It wasn't fair to her and Im glad for it found out the pleasant woman had an affair for 2 years and introduced my 5 year old to the OM before i met him. Miss the Bible punishments


----------

