# Lonely in separation



## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Hi everyone, such a long story I don't know where to start but my wife and I are separated "officially" now for almost 2 weeks. There has been no contact for 5 long to me, days and nights. The real problems began for me 4 months ago but she says she has had a problem for 6 or 7 years. Says she can't relax around me. That she feels nothing but stress to do the right things or nothing is done right. Says she loves me and cares but has no love or affection for me. In several arguments she has said that she doesn't like the physical contact of any kind. As for me, I'm sure I'm no picnic to be around sometimes. Never felt it was more than just being a grouchy old fart of 47 (married 2 weeks shy of my 20th anniversary). I think as the physical contact over the years was not what I would like, I became bitter at times and would say off hand comments or mean things. Didn't realize the hurt to her until finally 4 months ago it came to a head and she told me. I was heartbroken that I had done that and made a firm commitment to make it better no matter what. It just hasn't been so straight forward to her. After we struggled and stayed apart nights and tried to talk only leading to more conflicts. Several temp counselor a for her but never with me for some reason and me contacting the church pastor with still no help. We have separated. I have rented an apartment, changed my bank account... For all purpose we are living terms of what I feel a divorce is. We have talked amicably about divorce and even seen the lawyer to draw up papers but when I went to sign my part, I was just floored by the whole process. Didn't know it was an actual lawsuit with plaintiffs/defendants. But accepted it but when I read the reason for divorce "general and personal indignities" I couldn't do it. I feel I have given up plenty in her idea for the issue and my pride had finally run out. I don't feel anything I may have done calls for ending 20 years. I feel we should be able to work it out. Not sure if she feels that way or not and may just serve me with papers. Okay with me cause then she will have to explain to everyone the reasons. Anyhow lots of details to add but would be interested in others help with my struggles. Thanks and sorry for such a long story but only the beginning for me.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

The more I read, the more I notice that many of the situations are exactly alike. Not sure that's a good thing.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you in counseling?

Do you work out?

Do you have friends and people you see outside of work regularly?

What do you do with your free time?


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Embarrassed to say no, no, few and not too much. Seems this issue occupies 110% of my life. 24/7. Don't know what to do. Texted her just know just to say hi and stay relevant. She was cordial and nice but says she doesn't feel any different. Says she is taking vacation and going back to see her friends in another state. Ones we saw often so not strange. Figure it to be a beat down for me and not helpful. But no reason to feel that way. Probably come back and push issue one way or the other.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Could she be having an affair?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Well...now is the time. You are coming into this process isolated, out of shape, and mentally and emotionally messed up. How do you want to come out of the process?

Don't text her anymore. Let her contact you if she wants.

Now is the time to focus on you. Get a gym membership and start working out. That will provide you with an outlet to work out anger and depression and will allow your body to heal and grow. You'lll also start feeling good about yourself as you see progress.

Time to reconnect with old friends and make some new ones. Churches and synagogues (if you are religious), volunteer, meet-up groups, the gym, cafes, lots of places to meet people. 

What is it that you would like to do but have never done? What would you like to learn to do? A language? Woodworking? Art? What? Start.

IC will help you tremendously and you'll grow more mature and not be a total wreck through this process. It will be hard. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done or been through. But you can come out the other side more socially, mentally, and emotionally stable than you went in. Or you can sit around your apartment and mope and obssess and come out of this a complete wreck.

If you do all these things, do them for you. They are unlikely to win her back. Focus on becoming a better person and you will be alright.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

I really don't think so but I guess my judgement is off. Last child just graduated and this happened almost simultaneously. She has said often that some time apart and she might snap out of it. Her words. But if it is a mental issue , I don't feel right just giving up and moving on. Want to be there for her if she resolves but also hate kicking a dead issue. While she moves on. I volunteered the house to her because it means more to her than me. Just a house without family anyhow and she agreed to not take any asset from my 401k. The assets seem pretty close to equal. She has really offered me anything to take.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Alan_ said:


> I really don't think so but I guess my judgement is off. Last child just graduated and this happened almost simultaneously. She has said often that some time apart and she might snap out of it. Her words. But if it is a mental issue , I don't feel right just giving up and moving on. Want to be there for her if she resolves but also hate kicking a dead issue. While she moves on. I volunteered the house to her because it means more to her than me. Just a house without family anyhow and she agreed to not take any asset from my 401k. The assets seem pretty close to equal. She has really offered me anything to take.


Read up on the 180 and get on it.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Thanks Arendt. I have heard the same several times. Seems loosing her also looses my social life with her and now all the friends through her. Even she has said similar recommendations. Thinks should be looking up. Promotion in job. Hot car. Great apartment. So once the loneliness is gone it will be okay. But very difficult now to even see other people happy with partners. But I'm trying to man up. Is very hard.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Looked at the first 10 items on 180 and have botched a majority already. Several today. I will study and try. All I can do. They make since though. Thanks


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Alan_ said:


> Looked at the first 10 items on 180 and have botched a majority already. Several today. I will study and try. All I can do. They make since though. Thanks


I botch it everyday, Alan. I'm eleven weeks in.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Alan_ said:


> Looked at the first 10 items on 180 and have botched a majority already. Several today. I will study and try. All I can do. They make since though. Thanks


Do it as much, and as well, as you can. 

Look, there aren't any guaranties. No matter how well you do it, it may not, and probably won't bring back your wife. The 180 is not to get someone back, it is to get YOU back. Back to the person you were going in to the relationship, before you started changing to accommodate her. Before you gave up you to be "married". 

Sometimes it works to make the walk away spouse see what they are missing, sometimes it doesn't. Remember - this is for YOU. For YOUR sanity and peace of mind.

Best of luck.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Thank you.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Feeling pretty bad. Still disbelief 24/7. Should I be in a hurry to sign divorce papers and move on? Or just let it stew for a while? Signed a 6 month lease and new bank account online for next deposit (thursday) didn't care for reason on divorce papers but thinking now that it just prolongs my agony. Trying to relax but can't shake pit in my throat and belle. Guess I know it's over but hate to give up. Any words of encouragement would be awesome. I read the 180 list every 30 minutes it seems. Going crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm feeling the exact same thing you are. It's day by day for me. We have no choice but to go ahead with our life. Women rarely change their mind the way you want them to.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

We all have the lonely feeling at times especially in the beginning. You will have to force yourself at times but get out of your apartment, be around some people. Start to see there is a life apart from her. It will help you and help get you to quit thinking about it 24/7. Obsessing over it wears on you over time mentally. You need breaks to keep yourself strong. 

You aren’t getting the full story yet from her, if the issues had been for 6 or 7 years why didn’t she bring them up earlier? You have had weaknesses in the marriage and so has she it’s a two way street. Until she is ready to talk to you, really talk to you it’s a futile struggle on your side. 

Your best bet is to limit your contact with her as much as you can, start doing the 180, she wants life without you let her try it out. You should probably take the divorce papers and speak to a different lawyer just to go over it all. Both parties using one lawyer usually doesn’t work and in many states cant be done. Many states use “irreconcile differences” or whatever general term for legal purposes so don’t take what is written to heart.

If she wants a fast and easy divorce your best long term interests would be to do it. There is nothing worse than hanging in the divorce limbo like you are. Even if you are both in agreement it takes forever for divorces to become final. Time is usually not your ally in separation. One party almost always goes and has the time of there lives having fun and one waits around. The problem is in the short term the one having fun is well having fun and they think it will last forever so they don’t want to give it up.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Thanks again. I could have signed already for "ireconcileable differences" but in Arkansas they put "caused general and personal indignities" after the last 4 monthes of giving on every issue to try and help the issue, I just couldn't sign that. She said she doesn't feel that way but lesser of all the other excuses (adultry, impotence...) so I insisted in knowing what her real excuse is before I sign. Still waiting. Matters less every day I guess. At least the weekend I'd over and I can occupy myself with work. Anniversary would have been the 9th. Gonna be a rough day for me I expect.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Take a bold step brother, if she wants the D so bad ask her to reverse the plaitiff and defendant then have her sign the papers for mental and emotional cruelty.

You gave her the house, it is time for you to get some damn respect! Submit your own complaint using whatever tha legal term is for using sex as a weapon.

Screw that miserable, self centered, b!tch.

Take back your life man, it is awesome out here and you will wonder why you even gave a sh!t that she left.

When you start enjoying mutual pleasure with a women that shares her affections with you, you will not care. Trust me!

Stretch


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

Alan_ said:


> Thanks again. I could have signed already for "ireconcileable differences" but in Arkansas they put "caused general and personal indignities" after the last 4 monthes of giving on every issue to try and help the issue, I just couldn't sign that. She said she doesn't feel that way but lesser of all the other excuses (adultry, impotence...) so I insisted in knowing what her real excuse is before I sign. Still waiting. Matters less every day I guess. At least the weekend I'd over and I can occupy myself with work. Anniversary would have been the 9th. Gonna be a rough day for me I expect.



It's not easy!
I almost killed myself. I hated the whole world!
But you know what? I actually needed to go trough all that! i TOUCHED with my face the mud before I realized that it was time to get back on my feet.
Ignore your past with her, dont contact her, dont do nothing that gets gets you upset (like signing D. papers)
You need to focus only on yourself, when you trigger go for a run, or go see a friend... talk with a good IC, BUT DONT PITY YOURSELF.
Once your self confidence returnes, then start facing the problems.... one at a time and without rush.

You have to heal from the inside in order to heal the outside


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Several of us have advised you to get out and do things: to the gym, meet friends, get a hobby. What are you doing to get on top of those sorts of things? Now is the time to start, not tomorrow.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Arendt said:


> Several of us have advised you to get out and do things: to the gym, meet friends, get a hobby. What are you doing to get on top of those sorts of things? Now is the time to start, not tomorrow.


I know it's just an excuse but this is a complicated week for me. First paycheck in own account is Thursday and most of it is spent. Scheduled to work every day except the 4th through Monday. So it's hard for me to get moving. Wife went to friends out of state for vacation. Everyone in person says just sign papers and get on with life. Even talked with daughter and thinks it's best. Doesn't choose sides but thinks I have done everything possible in my control to fix problem. Tries to explain mom's side but I'm not able to understand. I'm still lost. Will probably sign papers next Monday when I'm off. Would like to talk to wife one more time before then but not sure if I should. Seems 180 says no. Several have said after divorce she would be more relaxed to get together but seems pointless even weird to give up marriage to date. Seems backwards. So not sure about that idea. All her reasoning is about not sure if I'll change but I don't know what, says she wants to be more honest with everyone and speak her mind more. Says been trying to avoid conflict for so long giving in to everyone. It's all mental issues to me but not allowing me to learn. So probably for the better but 20 years is hard. So if I can just get through this week I feel it will get easier for me but I know it's just excuses
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Aw hell, who am I kidding. Even if we got back together and I was able to make all the changes she wants, I doubt she would make any changes and give me the physical and mental attention I need. Which is probably the root cause of the whole situation anyhow. I know it's better for me to just move on, start over and learn from mistakes made. Won't be easy to start but appealing challenge once I get going. Do have several ideas on hobbies. Like to build my own house. Probably not gonna be a better chance than now. I'll probably loose faith and backslide within the hour but motivated now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upsetDan (Jun 17, 2014)

Alan_ said:


> Aw hell, who am I kidding. Even if we got back together and I was able to make all the changes she wants, I doubt she would make any changes and give me the physical and mental attention I need. Which is probably the root cause of the whole situation anyhow. I know it's better for me to just move on, start over and learn from mistakes made. Won't be easy to start but appealing challenge once I get going. Do have several ideas on hobbies. Like to build my own house. Probably not gonna be a better chance than now. I'll probably loose faith and backslide within the hour but motivated now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alan, i have been where you are. I got the i love you but not in love with you chat. I have been spererated 5 months now, have 3 young kids. its hard.
i have begged and pleaded, got no where, for wks ppl told me to stick to 180. i failed, over and over.

now i am on it 100%. cant go no contact cause kids, but everything else is spot on.
she has gone from telling me wants divorce and i am hassling her, to calling me 20 times a day and wanting to see me. i am still 180!
its funny how the tables turn when they are not in control.
NO WOMAN WANTS A GROVELLING WIMP. they want a strong man who is independent, its when they see that they want you back. be careful though... do you really want her back? or do you just want someone?


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Thanks Dan. I'm feeling much better last day or two. First paycheck in my account tomorrow. So I won't have money to add to stress. Feeling much better about my self. She's out of town. I'm sure there will be some sadness on the 4th. And the 9th is 20th anniversary but I think I'll make now. Seeing more opportunities than issues. I'll stick to 180. Only sign divorce when she texts me she's ready but not gonna change my plans either way. Maybe she will come to senses, maybe not but I have a direction for now.


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Update: My wife made first contact by text this morning. I had to pull up the 180 list before I responded. Asked "how it was going" took every ounce of control not to go into a long 100 word text about how I miss her and want to see her blah blah. But I was strong. Kept my answers short and and disinterested but positive. Felt good when she would respond back with another question several times. Said to have a nice day and left it at that. Felt good. A little anxious now in hopes that she will initiate again but not changing my plans for the day. Hope it works out. 
Alan


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Alan_ said:


> Thanks Arendt. I have heard the same several times. Seems loosing her also looses my social life with her and now all the friends through her. Even she has said similar recommendations. Thinks should be looking up. Promotion in job. Hot car. Great apartment. So once the loneliness is gone it will be okay. But very difficult now to even see other people happy with partners. But I'm trying to man up. Is very hard.


It's time to build your own social life.

A good way to get started with this is to do things that interest you can then meet people who do these things. There's a good website for finding things to do: Find your people - Meetup Check out what's going on in your area.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have an attorney or are you just going to sign whatever she hands you? You really need an attorney to look for the papers with your interest in mind.

There is a no fault option for divorce in your state. Your wife picked the fault option because it shortens the length of time needed before being able to file. Technically she would have to prove the fault for the divorce will not be granted. 

You have the right to respond with a counter that this should be a no-fault divorce. Or you can counter saying that she's been at fault as well. 

Has your marriage been sexless for a while? Just curious because there's a fault for that.


Grounds for Divorce in Arkansas - Divorce Source


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Alan there are no easy answers or quick fixes, this just has to run its course. I have been happy sad angry bitter isolated depressed all in cycles. Now I am depressed again about my wife leaving. Stay away from booze if you can, all it does is bring you back down. I have had two bombs dropped. The first one hurt like ****, we had a fake R going for about two months and then she dropped the second. I would of been a hell of a lot better off if we had not had the R. I feel like I am at rock bottom again and will just have to put my work gloves back on and climb back up. The 180 is helpful but you are still gonna feel like crap. Good luck to you getting want you want out of this situation .
_Posted via Mobile_


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## Alan_ (Jun 28, 2014)

Elegirl, I don't have my own attorney. Yet. Originally felt a quick mutual boiler plate divorce was the way to. But was floored when I went to sign just unaware of the process. Now that I know I feel a little stronger but also realize that there is no reason for the divorce. I read post after post and mine doesn't seem by far the worst and worse people with worse problems have made it work and a lot of them feel better for it. Now I'm not getting my hopes to high anymore. After all, I'm living divorced now. I can't peruse any relationship ( read screw around) and lord knows I would really like too, but will give it the chance to work out or through. I know it seems cliche to say I didn't see it coming but I didn't. Really felt with the circumstances of empty nest and good jobs things were on the way up. That said. If I found out that things were fishy before this I would definantly get my own lawyer and the house I worked hard for just for spite. 

Hesitation, I really feel your pain. I think if more people would look out for each other and take an active interest in the relationships of friends and aquaintances, the this "easy to divorce attitude " would subside. Seems there no "better or worse" in marriage anymore. Now that I'm going through it when I hear another suffering like I am, either in person or over the internet, I truley feel bad and wish there was things I could do. I know that reading these posts and hearing advice good and bad helps me cope in so many ways. I am starting to feel better about myself. That doesn't mean I don't want her back but I have some self respect and with that you can deal a whole lot easier with the issues. Good luck in your quest and I will be praying for your abilities to deal. I learned praying for the spouse to change their mind was fruitless. Just pray for their comfort and hope they pray the same.


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