# I am such a coward need a reality check



## rosebud (Oct 18, 2009)

Hi don t know where to start,

met my H when i was 15 years old great love and all that comes with it marriage 3 years later 2 boys now adults.

i lived my life as the model wife always pretending to have it all
handsome H handsome boys beautiful everything etc etc.

Got to tell you i ve been unhappy since day one, everytime we had an argument which is either about him consuming and running of for days and burning any money he could get his hands on, and after that having his whole family blaming me and getting around the table with my H and critising me for his actions and so on , he always went behind my back to help his family since he s the black sheep of the family he needs to buy
their love all the time. and enen after all the back stabbing from his family he still cant cut the ombilical cord, everytime we have an argument he walks away and goes straight to his family to report and discredit me knowing they are and always will be my enemys.

And so i have put up wiyh all this crap WHY!!!

because i am materialistic,or because so afraid of being alone and that no one will ever want me !!!!!

or out of fear (find myself a job)

my self esteem is so low like what can i be good for.

he is now at his family again left on thursday emptied his bank account and called me last night to tell me he was not coming back. AGAIN .

I WANT TO SEPERATE but dont have the guts to do it.

i dont know if its love or just (afraid of change)

i always miss him when he s not around and all i do is mop around the house .

never had real friends

so i am always alone 

dont want to write anymore.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

rosebud said:


> I WANT TO SEPERATE but dont have the guts to do it.
> 
> i dont know if its love or just (afraid of change)
> 
> i always miss him when he s not around and all i do is mop around the house .


whatever it is that you miss about him is stronger then what you hate about him. 

some of it comes down to you being miserable with you- and not him. 

if you arent ready to leave then the only solution i see is trying to work on yourself. that would be really hard with the continual stresses from what he's doing- which might be just what you are looking for. if that makes sense.


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## rosebud (Oct 18, 2009)

not sure about the last part, but the rest is right need to find me.

easier said than done

thanks blanka


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with what blanca says.

It's not easy to work on yourself. It's a process that can take a lifetime. Beginning is scary and intimidating. You take it one small step at a time.

What about going back to school? It's amazing how many people go back after raisig their children. It will help you meet people, build self esteem, and get skills/education for a job.


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## rosebud (Oct 18, 2009)

Hi corpuswife

you have to know that i have to pay the bills and i can not count on him for that, he will want half of what i have house bank account.

Please tell me if i m aselfish B i want to give him nothing.

HERE S WHY

What i saved in this marriage has been for our children i sacrificed alot never have i put my needs before theirs ,my H SPENT ALL KINDS IN dettes and etc so much more in a year than what i saved in 25 years and the only reason i wont split the house is for this.

And even if i did split he would have nothing left within 6 months

Cause he is a giver and his family would end up having most of this money .

And as much as i try to be not be hateful towards them, i just
can t.

He can not live alone, he s right now at his mom i can just picture how he s talking about me and how he could save the rest of his sibblins,

he neeeds to feel as their savior and these are the same people
who stole from him all of his life. he continuously needs to buy
their love.

I been beat up on in every way but what hurts the most is when it was done in front of his family. boy did they enjoy.

See the reason i dont get close with people is just that, i dont want them to see how vulnerable i rrally am.


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