# Leave or stay?



## feeling hopeless (Jan 20, 2009)

My b/f and I have been together for 4 years, living together for the past 2. Our relationship has always been like a rollercoaster ride, but we continually try to work things out. We have a 15 month old daughter, and I am pregnant again(8wks). We live in a isolated northern town, about 20 hours from my family and supports. Over the past 2 years, ther has been discussions, arguments, and blown out wars about us separating. He doesn't want to be in the relationship as it is, and when I try to make things better, he continues to say that we don't belong together and there is no relationship between us. He claims that he doesn't want me to take the children away from him, but there seems to be no other way, because he works shift work(police) and there is extremely limited resources for child care here.He will be completely heartbroken to be away from his daughter.Do I stay and help raise our children, trying to make him happy, or do I leave, trying to find some stability and happiness for myself? My only choice would be to move to my family's home in order for me to get some support amd money together and get back on my feet, as there is no feasible place for me to move in this area.(We are subsidized due to his job)I am well educated and chose to leave a career and stable life behind me to move to be with him, and now, relocating to start all over again is extremely overwhelming. Besides being a huge move, I am having episodes of extreme guilt when I think about moving away with the children. I also feel as though I am the root of all the problems in our relationship, and feel as though I have ruined him. I continually think that I have been too difficult, not open enough, and doing so, have ruined the chances of him to be happy in life.I look back over the past 4 years and see how insecure and difficult I have been, and it just makes me so angry at myself for putting him through all of this. Just thinking of breaking his heart is killing me. How do other women deal with their guilt of taking kids away from the dad? how do you get past this crappy feeling of being a failure and feeling horrible about yourself? How do you make a decision to go?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You don't say what you argue over...


----------



## feeling hopeless (Jan 20, 2009)

I guess I never mentioned what we argue over....mostly how we communicate. Our styles are different. When I met him, I was very independent and not much of a romantic, quite realistic/logical. He is the same way, but after being together for about a month, my personality completely changed, and I became jealous and afraid to lose him, which I had never felt before in my life, regardless of whom I was with(I'm 37)I told him I was a certain way, and as the years went on, I was never this person again(no matter how hard I have tried) which makes him claim that I was dishonest and lied to him, which really hurts. This is probably the main cause of our arguments, as he feels cheated and screwed around. I can't get back to being the person I was before. He has not changed since the day I met him


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think your best option at this point would be to stay and work on you. You mentioned you changed early on but cannot become who you were before...I think that merits some deeper understanding so you can figure out why that is...was it the loss of career/independence that made you more needy? Moving away from family? His line of work? If you leave now, you will likely carry this with you into future relationships, so why not put 100% into it now to see if you can salvage the one with your childrens' father?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

feeling hopeless-

Thanks for opening up.

Wow what an amazing story. I had to re-read bits. Why not see this a positive phase in your life - you are about to discover a 3rd version of you that perhaps combines the other two in some measure.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

feeling hopeless said:


> Do I stay and help raise our children, trying to make him happy, or do I leave, trying to find some stability and happiness for myself?


you seem to imply in this sentence, that if you stay you will not be happy, only you will be trying to make him happy. and if you leave, then you can find happiness for you. 

I think you should stop trying to make him happy. i know that seems counter intuitive considering your problems seem to be due to him being unhappy, but you'll never find your own happiness if you are constantly trying to control his. Let him deal with his own issues for awhile, and you just focus on how to make yourself happy, regardless of how he's acting. 

There's a lot of information out there on jealousy, its causes and cures. just read up, go to counseling, and like MT said, find the next you.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I agree with the others...stay and work it out - counseling for you guys as a couple and maybe for just yourself as well. *But if you decide to leave check the custody laws in your state. You may not be allowed to move away. Where I am the law is the Primary parent can not move outside a 100 mile radius of the secondary parent, unless the secondary parent moves first or gives the ok.


----------



## feeling hopeless (Jan 20, 2009)

So, after hours of talking, my b/f and I are now separated, but living in the same house. It is not feasible for me to move the 20 hours away at this time, as our daughter requires several dr appt's and surgery scheduled in mid April in the province we reside. Our health care is 12 hrs away for this, so any travel is subsidized.Also, I am considered to have a high risk preganancy(just like the first) and will need to attend several appt's during this time as well. Our health care , providers etc are in this province, and if I move now, it could take quite the time to connect with the same services in a new province. So, he sleeps on the couch, I sleep in our room, and we continue to raise our daughter and remain civil for our daughter's sake. At this point, my plan to relocate will be after her surgey and follow up appt, whereas I will move the 20hrs away, where i can live within a few minutes of the hospital. It beats travelling in the winter on the limited services highway between here and civilization. During the time leading up to this, I can begin connecting with the best health care providers for my child and pregnancy via my sister who is an RN at the hospital. I am also seeing our local mental health worker weekly to monitor moods and provide me with an outlet, as talking with others in this town can cause problems for my boyfriend's line of work. i recognize how i have contributed to this relationship breakdown, and am having a difficult time forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made. here's is nothin i would like more than to stay together as a family, but it seems as though my b/f feels it would be better if I left. Since we live in forced housing, him letting me stay here to help me financially is big right now, so my first inclination is to agree with what he feels right doing. Has anyone else experienced an in house separation? Any advice for my upcoming months here?
I look to you all for some input, as my resouces are pretty much nil here.


----------

