# Wife in EA, but getting more serious?



## PurpleDragon (Feb 18, 2011)

I've been reading these forums for a while and trying to get a handle on things. My wife tells me she has a "crush" on the a married neighbor friend and has been sharing "feelings" with him for about three months. I was not completely surprised, but it was a blow. I have been coming to grips with a possible separation from her for a couple of months because she has been so unhappy. I realize my past mistakes and my lack of attention to her has been a problem over the past couple of years. I started a new business and we have young children all in the past 5 years. I have taken my eye off the ball so to speak, but I have been trying to make up lost ground these past couple of months. So last week she tells me she has a thing for this guy and there was lots of crying and such. I know she is feeling a ton of guilt about it, but she seems to be having problems breaking it off. We've talked about it a couple of times over the past week, but it seems like I'm getting nowhere with her. I checked her phone records and there is not a history of them talking on the phone, but there is a little bit of stuff in email, but not a lot and nothing sexual. We are starting marriage counseling next week. I think she is loving the attention she is getting from both of us and is probably in some type of Oxycontin high right now and in the FOG... I guess my question is how to I tell her that if she wants to continue with this marriage she simply needs to stop communicating with this guy before it turns in to a full blown PA. I read all the stuff about Plan A, Plan B, No Contact and 180 degrees. Do I tell the OM to stop communicating with her? Not sure where I fit in with all this stuff... thanks!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Consider yourself lucky to have caught this now, instead of later. You wont see many positive responses from me on the boards, but this is totally salvagable. (sp?)


1st thing you need to do, if you haven't is pick up a copy of "The 5 Love Languages". as in right now stop reading and go buy it.

Read it together. The first day you will immediately start to communicate better and it will provoke some good honest conversations. Make sure you discuss things as you read.... take turns reading to eachother and make it a quality time with eachother. Honestly, the book should be required reading for a marriage license. its by Dr. Gary Chapman.


After you start reading the book, you must demand that the contact stop, but do not just ask her. She will need to call this guy, or send this guy an email in your presence. speaker phone, or watch her hit the send key. Until you physically see this happen, you personally will not be able to believe that it has been done, and in order for you to trust thather efforts are genuine, you will need that. you shouldnt say anything.. it needs to come from her.

It is good that you have recognized your faults, so work on those. But NEVER allow them to justify her actions. She must make amends to you somehow and to dothat, she must accept responsibility. Blaming you is not accepting responsibility.

As part of this process, you should each take the time to write eachother a letter of disclosure. You write your feelings of guilt for ignoring her and write of how her actions has made you feel. She should write what she has done.. Everything... no matter how painful. She should not blame you, but take responsibility in this letter.

While you will be trying to forgive her, she will be trying to forgive herself. If she blames you for pushing her to an EA, then she will also be trying to forgive you, so its a lot of work.

If she feels bad, and crys about it, and such... she is looking for a way to earn your trust. LET HER EARN IT BACK. dont be a jackass about it, even when you want to kick her in the teeth, just remember what you are trying to do. focus on creating positive things, not negative. remember to take breaks from the stress of recovery. it doesnt need to take up 100% of your conversations. go out and have a nice time to show her that you can still be a normal couple, happy again... and for god's sake dont talk about it on the date. LOL

Schedule talks if you need to.

Also see a counselor, perferable a Christian one if you are of that denomination... why? because therapists are not into protecting the santicty of marriage as much as a pastor. Nothing against therapists, its just a fact. a therapist is more likely to have you spit at some point than a pastor. i know because i have been to three. trust me, its true.

I know exactly where you are at here man. been there, done that, saved my marriage of 10 years... it starts with the book. Get the book and read it now.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Her admitting her feelings for another person to you took a lot of courage. It may have went on longer than it should have but at least she brought it to your attention instead of dragging it out even longer behind your back till you eventually caught on. I would say thats commendable. She obviously still cares enough about you and your family or else she would have continued down another path. Let her know how you feel, and let her know that you won't put up with her associating with this other man at the expensive of you and your families feelings and needs.

I don't know if this will help you at all, I sent this to my wife through an e-mail and asked her to read the whole thing. 

How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair - wikiHow

I let her know that the article is kind of harsh and to not take it so personal. I explained that it described a lot of what I have been going through, and that it could help her to help me through tough times as well as help herself to understand a bit more of my position.

I hope it helps...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The good news is she made some admissions, so know its time to step up and take it as a warning and do the things you need to do as a hausband, which it sounds like you have.

The concerning part, in my opinion, is he is a neighbor, which puts him in a position not to need electronic avenues to stay in contact with your W.

So I suggest be the husband you can be, do not contact OM, but get the tools you need to confirm your W commitment to you. Protect your self from deciet and place some voice activated recorders in her car and in the home (say under car seat and at the front and back doors).
Keep an eye on the toilet seat when you get home it may be in the up position. keep track of your beers also. Vidoe cameras are a great tool also, they can be very informative. You can also keep an eye on the OM through back round searches and checking social sites.

As bad as it is to go down this road it is well worth the knoledge it will bring you with regards to how far your W will go in acting on her feels.

Since her own admission is worth its wieght in gold, some times the heart wants what the heart wants, and even though you can't control that kind of emotion you can protect your self from deciet.

This kind of thing sounds harsh but so many time we get gaslighted and lied to we have no choice but to find out for ourselve if what are spouses are telling us is the trueth or part of there fantasy they find them selve in.


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