# Was I played?



## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

I am a married man and recently had a long term non-physical relationship with a married woman come to an end. 

The reason I am posting this is because I have had an awful time coming to terms with everything. Me and this woman had been friends for along time and I admit I had a crush on her. But I was content for it to be just that...a crush. However, she became more and more friendly with me and began emailing me and shortly after that texting me. It was fun and of course I was enjoying this "fun" relationship we had. Eventually, emails grew more common, texts got out of control and she finally asked me if I would like to run some errands with her after work. That was the start of a whole new animal. A couple months later my wife discovered the mass amount of texts and as you can imagine it did not go over big. My wife called her and screamed at her and everything but she urged me not to "become a stranger". She said she felt like she was losing her best friend and was very upset. So I was I to be honest.

Needless to say...it didn't stop there. it actually grew on and on. We did more and more together and began eating lunch together daily. Emails piled up and soon comments about my butt and how I looked started. I even received some emails that made me fairly certain she was wanting to get physical but I had decided that was not going to happen. Numerous problems arose during this time between my wife and I and I was kicked out of my house several times. She never missed a beat and continued emailing me and talking with me at work. Nightly goodnight emails and a steady stream of I need to see yous and I miss yous and just lots of nice things from her ll the time. One time I even met her after a marriage counseling session and she knew. We even spent time at her house on 9 different occasions just hanging out and being together. Most of this was at her urging and her emails made it seem like she couldn't get enough of me...liked she loved me really. It was wonderful and I soon found myself with very strong feelings for her.

Over the course of a couple months she grew seemingly more and more into me. We spent 3 wonderful days together at Christmas and she was texting me to tell me how she was lost in thought thinking about us and our time together. 

Shortly after her husband questioned her bc he felt she was running around with someone. She caved immediately and she told me we needed to fix our marriages. I was connected to her on FB and saw posts to her husband within days of our split that I knew were lies...at least based on her actions and words. She continued to want to be in contact with me and would not let me get away. She was always emailing me about our past and how she was thinking about it. It caused so much pain I couldn't take it. She wanted her "friend" and until I finally started ignoring her she was relentless. She is pregnant now but still wishes to have a relationship...she misses her friend she says. 

I am not in any way shape or form trying to sound innocent in all of this but *why would a woman put so much effort into winning me and my heart and my feelings over just and then not want them in the end?* She never said anything other than that she "really liked" me. I have a feeling I was just a void filler for her.......a toy of sorts.

It was been a very sad and hard to understand situation for me. My wife and I have worked and our marriage is going pretty good again...she was good enough to forgive me.

Thank you in advance for your time and responses!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> why would a woman put so much effort into winning me and my heart and my feelings over just to and then not want them in the end?


It's like when someone completes a Rubik's cube that first time and then puts it in a drawer to forget about it.

She played you and she won you, but that was all she wanted to do. To prove to herself and her husband that she still had it.

She wanted your heart and your mind but your body? Maybe not...


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like you really miss your mistress. 
Does your wife know that?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

coldout said:


> I have a feeling I was just a void filler for her.......a toy of sorts.


Of course you were.

And, I am sorry, but do you really expect us to believe this never went physical???


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

So are you still kicked out of the house?I see she took you back you are lucky man don't screw it up.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think the reality of everything that one faces to lose in the event of divorce is often enough to pull them back into reality. Rejection is never an easy emotion to deal with... but you need to let go. You've made strides forward; don't stumble backwards now.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your post is all wrong ColdOut!

It should have been about your wife. About how you are going to make up for being such a jerk and throwing away your marriage.

Until you can forget about your affair partner, and focus on your marriage, your marriage is doomed!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Of course you were.
> 
> And, I am sorry, but do you really expect us to believe this never went physical???


If she was an expert player of course this is possible! Kept him on the hook with just enough fluff to keep him interested and then when he goes to make his move KAPOW!!!!

She closes him down like a capped oil well!


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Your post is all wrong ColdOut!
> 
> It should have been about your wife. About how you are going to make up for being such a jerk and throwing away your marriage.
> 
> Until you can forget about your affair partner, and focus on your marriage, your marriage is doomed!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'm with Hope1964. I think there is likely a lot more to the story but we are being told what OP told his wife. Just the activities that had evidence associated with them.

Maybe I am wrong but the BS detector is going off. Having lunch daily and spending 3 days together at Christmas...
I don't buy it.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Seems like you're more concerned with what/how/why about your Other Woman (OW) than you are about your wife.
Looking over your entire post, you shamelessly barely mention your wife, she was more like a side note, just posted in passing. 
While your entire post was all about your OW this, your OW that.
You're so NOT over her & until you are, your marriage is FAR from "getting pretty good again."
Instead of trying to figure out if you were played by the OW, try to figure out why YOU played your wife.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you weren't "married" I'd swear this was written by a love sick puppy.

"does she reallly, really, like me? Golly gee I think she does".

GROW UP!!!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

coldout said:


> She never said anything other than that she "really liked" me. I have a feeling I was just a void filler for her.......a toy of sorts.


Coldout, you're right, you've been absolutely played, you were her risk-free, marriage escape guy, and she had no concern whatsoever for anyone's feelings but her own. Given enough time it would have went physical, and it would have meant much more to you than her. You would've become more obsessed, even more than you are now, (and you ARE obsessed), and it would've crashed and burned even worse, and taken an even bigger toll on you psychologically.

You really need to steer your focus away from this girl, she's completely toxic and will destroy you. You asked, _"...why would a woman put so much effort into winning me and my heart and my feelings over just and then not want them in the end?"_, because she's extremely self-centered, which is more than likely rooted in deep insecurity; it was never about you.

Stay away from her, completely.

*Here's the amazing part, I'm giving you the advice I'd give to a SINGLE guy about this woman; that's how toxic I believe she is.*

Either focus on your wife or get a divorce, your wife needs to be free of any prolonged, damaging effects your reckless puppy love is getting you into; there's no sense in letting this woman kill both your souls.

T


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## robotmonkeyparts (Jul 27, 2012)

You nailed it. You were her TOY. 

She played with your emotions without concern for her actions. Then she realized that her Marriage was more important then her toy. 

You need to realize the same before you lose EVERYTHING.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why don't you write a no contact email to your friend and cc her husband. Let your wife read the note. Do this if you want to be the type of man your wife deserves.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random thoughts...

I wonder if this poster is somehow concerned that his post can be discovered or somehow traced to back to him... He needed to talk because he's heartbroken... but by force of habit, he won't leave evidence...

It screams of blameshifting, minimizing and flat out lying.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I wonder if your somehow concerned that your post can be discovered or somehow traced to back to you... you needed to talk because your heartbroken... but by force of habit, your not leaving evidence...
> 
> You are blameshifting, minimizing and flat out lying.


When his wife finds it he doesn't want her to see the PA maybe.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You're weak. I would not let someone not my spouse or other family member take up as much time as you let this woman do to you. You should get some counselling and try to understand why you allowed that to happen.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

So what did you do for 3 days at Christmas?

Are you still with us?


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

First of all -- this seems like the type of post that should be on a cheating forum. I don't mean to offend you, but this post has to do more with whether or not you even have a shot at ever "winning back" the OW. You are still infatuated with her and your wife (as evidenced by your lack of concern for her) is your "Plan B". I feel for your wife. Poor thing. She doesn't deserve your VERY sloppy seconds. 

And yes, you were being played. Sounds like your OW just needs the ego strokes. Doesn't care if the OM/AP is married or not, or actually she probably does care if you (and others?) are married because she probably gets a rise out of being number one with men who should be giving their love and focus to their wives or SAs. Selfish + Selfish = Selfish. 

Why, you might even think highly of your AP -- like "poor thing, she's just misunderstood by her husband and [you were] there for her. Why should he be the one to have gotten her knocked up when [you were] her bfffff?"

If you don't love your wife, then your dishonesty with her is damaging not only to her, but you can't see it now, but to you too. And since you seem to be so concerned with your own well-being, you might want to take that into consideration. This will destroy your life if you don't make reparation one way or another. It's called "sewing and reaping" or yin and yang. It's never a matter of "if" -- but always of "when".


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

Thank you for the comments! 

I realize its hard to believe but I swear we were NOT physical...it never happened and maybe I she didn't want that either. I just had a feeling she was waiting for me to make a move and I never did.

It has currently been over 3 months since we have talked in any capacity. I unfortunately work with her...so running into her from time to time is impossible and probably has something to do with the lingering feelings. I have a lot of anger towards her but I can't seem to hate her.

My wife knows what went on and hings really have been good. I have put forth a lot of effort to fix the damage and hurt I have caused. 

You have given me lots of good advice and help me answer some questions for myself.......thank you all!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Chalk it up as a life experience. Now you know better next time some honey starts showing you attention. Spend a lot of time trying to make this up to your wife. Give her the same amount of time X2 that you gave OW.

Now you also know OW's character. Be careful of her at work.


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

What is PA?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Physical Affair.


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

OK....thanks That girl!

Their was no Physical Affair.....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I have a feeling I was just a void filler for her.......a toy of sorts.


Yep.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I have a feeling I was just a void filler for her.......a toy of sorts.


So... what was her for you if not the same? A ego strokes machine. That's what you are missing. 
What worse is you never quit, it was her, the very moment she was busted. You were perfectly happy to keep going on after being busted, separate, lie to MC, almost destroy your wife... Your special friend was way important then your wife and marriage, her family...

Face it, your wife is still now Plan B.
If she were aviable again you'd go for it in a blick.


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

Were her continued attempts to "stay friends" an attempt by her to save face or just a continuation of the game?

I know she was not supposed to talk to me....she told me that she promised her husband she wouldn't...but she would not let me alone for the longest time. 

I guess that should have told me something about her too.....


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

Acabado.....you are right....I didn't quit. I let her keep me with her.

She would email me things like "I hope this doesn't effect us" when I was in trouble and I fell for it.

I am not proud of myself......

It freaks me out that I let this girl get in my head like she did....


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Coldout, I don't think you fully understand the situation, this thing in your head with this woman is beyond your ability to control it, you *HAVE* to get away from her, you can't work for her, you are absolutely at this woman's mercy; I know you don't fully see this, it's obvious by your posts. This thing will be all encompassing until you move yourself *away* from this woman. You can't see her, talk to her, email her, text her, nothing, this thing in your head will devour you unless you take control and remove yourself from her influence.

Your wife doesn't stand a chance if you don't do what you need to do to get your head clear. You're suffering from unrequited love right now, it's clear from your statement, _"She never said anything other than that she "really liked me""_, but you wish she had, you wish she had said "I love you", but she didn't, and that's getting to you; unrequited love, research that term.

T


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, start thinking of your wife, and get another job. And stay FAR FAR FAR away from this woman.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

first of all, please divorce your wife! You think you are being played, I wonder what your wife would think of her current situation? But then, I guess it's all about you and your poor wittle feelings anyway...

second, yes. You were played. That is what affairs are. The grab and dash. Get what you can, when you can. Get out if you can so you don't get caught. Repeat.

Oh, and please divorce your wife. I can't say this enough. Because if your affair partner came back to you, you would gladly take her back. So please, at least be single and waiting for her return, and let your wife go.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

coldout said:


> Were her continued attempts to "stay friends" an attempt by her to save face or just a continuation of the game?


Why don't you tell your wife you're filing for a divorce, and then find out?

Oh, I know why. Because this woman apparently has no intention of divorcing her husband for you.

Do you know why she's trying to keep contact, even though she won't divorce her husband? Because she's a cake eater. She doesn't want to choose between her husband and you--she wants you BOTH. It's great, having a husband who presumably does a lot of holding down the fort, while a lovesick puppy waits in the wings to (as someone else already said) stroke her ego.

But I thought you'd have realized that by now...the cake eating part, I mean...seeing as how you are doing precisely the same thing. Or maybe that is asking for a level of introspection that is nearly impossible while you're in the fog of infatuation?

Why don't you private message your wife's email to one of us--we'll take care of your dilemma right quick.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Why does everyone tell this poster to divorce his wife?

That's not what he's asking. He wants to know if he was played not if he should end his marriage.

To the Op sorry for all the nonsensical replies.

I don't think you were played she's still trying to get in touch with you. You are the one who keeps ignoring HER.

She probably thinks you played HER.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

kindi said:


> Why does everyone tell this poster to divorce his wife?
> 
> That's not what he's asking. He wants to know if he was played not if he should end his marriage.
> 
> ...


The point is he is not asking how to make things right with his wife. He is hung up on whether or not the OW really likes him. Who gives a sh!t if he was played. If he is here hung up on here, he needs to stop playing his wife.

Most people in here were cheated on and hearing a cheater ask a bunch of betrayeds about his mistress and whether it was real or not is Effing dumb.

What difference does it make if you were played or not. 
It is over and if you keep worrying about your mistress, you need to move on for your wife's sake. 

Does your wife know you are on a forum posting about whether or not the woman you had an EA with was the real thing or not?

Sure you were played... Now what are you going to do about it?

No, you weren't played she really loved you. Now what are you going to do about it?


You had an EA, you got caught. You kept going. I suspect you really wanted a PA and now are sad that you didn't get your chance because she OW is going NC with you. This is a good thing.

Here is where you were headed:
My Story

Anyone feel free to let me know if I am being too harsh but this thread is making me cringe but maybe there is a way to open your eyes to what you were going to do to your wife. Either leave her and keep pining for this chick, or go crawling back to your wife, change jobs, and never speak of this OW again unless your wife asks. You and your wife need to draft an NC letter


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I wish that you could see this situation from our perspective as the answer is just so obvious. You are infatuated with a married woman, just because she toyed with you and paid you a little attention. You sound like a 15 year old love sick boy and still today, you would drop what you are doing and run to her, if she turned on the charm. She is a USER, she used you, her husband and who knows else. I bet you aren't even the first, just the flavor of the month.

You are willing to throw your marriage away on this whim. This is extremely unfair to your wife. I think you should cut all contact with other woman period, out of respect to her husband and their child. Why do you want to cause damage to this child, by ruining her family, for your own selfish desires. There is really no indication this relationship would ever go anywhere if they divorce, you are in the friend zone.

Secondly, I think that you need to move out of the house and have limited contact with your wife for about two weeks. At that time start counselling and see if you are capable of being a respectable mate for your wife. If at the end of 30-60 days, consider moving back in, depending on where the two of you are at that time. If you have ever loved your wife, at least have the decency to work on the marriage or let her go. 

Not getting professional help will be a road to disaster. You will be a good boy for awhile, until the next skirt turns your head, and off you will go. Be honest with your wife and yourself. You need help BAD.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

kindi said:


> Why does everyone tell this poster to divorce his wife?
> 
> That's not what he's asking. He wants to know if he was played not if he should end his marriage.
> 
> ...


kindi, if someone posts in the coping with infidelity section, they're not going to get posts about how to keep on pulling the wool over their spouse's eyes. I'd thank you not to apologize on my behalf in the future.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

kindi said:


> Why does everyone tell this poster to divorce his wife?
> 
> That's not what he's asking. He wants to know if he was played not if he should end his marriage.
> 
> To the Op sorry for all the nonsensical replies.


Kindi, maybe you're not looking far enough into this, maybe the posters are looking at the bigger picture, maybe they know how he can find the answer for which he seeks. You see, if he divorced his wife, he would be free to pursue his quest to uncover whether his best friend in the whole wide world _"really liked"_ him or if he was just a _"void filler for her"_.

*He seeks truth and people are trying to help him in that pursuit.*

T


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

I have cut all contact with her for over 3 months now and the only contact for a couple months was her emailing me wanting e to stop by for a visit.

I am sorting out some anger issues I have with her and trying to decide how I feel anymore. 


And things in my marriage have been much better for some time now....


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

If she's still trying to contact you and you're the one who cut all contact then why are you asking if SHE played YOU?

If it was up to her you'd still be in regular communication and probably even more than that, yet you cut her off and you're here asking why she messed with your head.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

CouldOut.

Ok, I am going to be as nice as I can and I will bail on this thread...

You are trying to figure out how you "feel" and "work out anger issues you have with OW".

If my wife said to me "I am trying to decide how I feel about OM" or "work out anger issues I have with him" ... Ugh...

I would quickly remind her about whom she needs to decide how she feels and let her know I am the one that gets to work out anger issues. Then I would hand her a small stack of papers because there is no grey area in this. 

If your marriage is better at this point, then your wife is a saint, and you need to kneel down and kiss the ground she walks on because you are married to the most amazing woman in the world.

holding back a lot of things I want to say. 

Please go to your wife right now or whenever you see her again, and recognize her for the saint that she is. Look around this bored. There are a lot of people that have become single parents because of what you did to your wife.

No more mention of OW. That is your punishment. It stays in your head. No "what ifs" or "How comes" that is your cross to bare and lucky it seems to be the only one since your wife is staying with you and things are going well.

You owe it to your wife to make her feel the way she did the day you proposed to her. EVERY DAY! And right now you should feel like you did when she said "yes". EVERY DAY. because this woman is giving you a second chance. DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF THAT!


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

You are absolutely right DD and that is what I have been doing for a while now. I have just been pressured by her to remain friends and have struggled to understand why she wants to so badly.

Kindi....maybe your right....these are the things I fail to understand!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

coldout said:


> You are absolutely right DD and that is what I have been doing for a while now. I have just been pressured by her to remain friends and have struggled to understand why she wants to so badly.
> 
> Kindi....maybe your right....these are the things I fail to understand!


The OW is no doubt cake eating, is being selfish, and really doesn't care or respect you, she just wants what she wants when she wants it. If not you, it would be someone else. Since you have a history with her, you are an easy target. No need to feel flattered by her at all. She is a user. Nothing more.

As to the "pressure", here is how you fix it. You tell your wife. Let her decide how to proceed.

See how easy that was?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

coldout said:


> You are absolutely right DD and that is what I have been doing for a while now. I have just been pressured by her to remain friends and have struggled to understand why she wants to so badly.
> 
> Kindi....maybe your right....these are the things I fail to understand!



Coldout, how old are you and how old is she? the reason that I ask is because it seems to be trend with younger women (20s and 30s) to wear "male friends" as a badge of honour which might explain her aggressive pursuit of your friendship but nothing more.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

kindi said:


> If she's still trying to contact you and you're the one who cut all contact then why are you asking if SHE played YOU?
> 
> If it was up to her you'd still be in regular communication and probably even more than that, yet you cut her off and you're here asking why she messed with your head.


Kindi, whose side are you on? His wife or the OW? I have a hunch and it didn't take ESP to figure it out....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

kindi said:


> If she's still trying to contact you and you're the one who cut all contact then why are you asking if SHE played YOU?
> 
> If it was up to her you'd still be in regular communication and probably even more than that, yet you cut her off and you're here asking why she messed with your head.


In any case, this shows one of the dangers of having close opposite sex friendships. You can think that everything you do with this person is interpreted as platonic; and as in this case as well as the case of my fiance's EA, these women already have longterm partners, but still when they're not getting what they want out of another man, they yell "You led me on."

ETA: Kindi, Coldout has every right to downshift the "friendship" when he feels like it..... as does she.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Coldout--I know this may be hard, but why not practice total transparency with your wife since you love her (I hope?) and share with her everything OW is doing, trying to contact you while pregnant and after promising her husband she wouldn't. Ask your wife what she thinks. I'm sure she'll have a really good perspective on OW's motives. If you REALLY want to build trust with your wife again you'll take these problems to her. This will also help you get over the OW and build intimacy with your wife. But, you have to want that. What you chose to do will be telling. 

And I could be wrong but either Kindi is an AP or hasn't been a BS. Consider the source....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

coldout said:


> You are absolutely right DD and that is what I have been doing for a while now. I have just been pressured by her to remain friends and have struggled to understand why she wants to so badly.


Coldout--the real question is, why do you care to have an answer to this? Why does it matter to you?

The answer isn't "because I am struggling to understand."

The answer is, "I'm emotionally attached to her."

When you invest this type of energy and emotion in someone outside your marriage, it necessarily harms your relationship with your wife. You think "things are better," but I 100% promise you that if your wife read this thread, she would not agree with you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Your the second play if the first isn't there.

She get's the line of scrimmage and see's the pass play called in the huddle won't work cause they are playing press-man with both safeties over the top...only 7 defenders in the box so you're the running play. 

She will audible to you if her husband doesn't work out. All you need to know is you're a backup plan.


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

Thesunwillcomeout.....Thank you for your comments! My wife and I actually talk about things a lot and it has REALLY helped. My wife new about my friendship with this girl. Obviously this didn't help with her feelings on the situation. She was not surprised to find out it was this girl. I think she is biased but she is of the opinion that I was taken advantage of. She knows that she has attempted to remain in contact with me recently. We decided jointly to ignore her after I told her to leave me alone and she has not tried for some time now.

My wife has pointed out numerous things about her (like attempting to contact me after she was pregnant) that she says make it obvious she is not good and up to no good. My wife even sites that she didn't like dogs as a reason she is bad...which is kind of funny but may be true. 

I posted this more to see what people thought. Whether I am an idiot and did a bad/dumb thing is not really in question. I can't help but think about things and wonder why.


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

Survivor.....I agree with you! I realize people don't understand why I even care but it still stinks to be played and taken advantage of by someone.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

You were something temporarily new and exciting, as time passed, she outgrew you. It happens to the best of us. In addition, she's married, and you're married, so I don't know what your end goal was, but you seem upset that whatever you guys had is over? What was the goal, to be super close best friends, or to have this little flirty fling on the side, away from your respective spouses? 
If you really miss your friend that much, then you need to talk to your wife. Your friend on the other hand, just needed someone to entertain her, while your wife was home needing a husband.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

coldout said:


> Survivor.....I agree with you! I realize people don't understand why I even care but it still stinks to be played and taken advantage of by someone.


But, you see, coldout, it's not just that people here don't understand -it's that as a WS that has been given the gift of R, YOU don't GET to care. Anything about the AP is a moot point now. The affair is over (right?). It doesn't matter what her reasons were; the whole relationship was based on lies and selfishness to begin with, so there is not much point in analyzing her motives now. 

I am a WW (Devastated Dad's to be exact). I really can't imagine the feelings he would have if he thought I was sitting around wondering -and posting! on a Coping with Infidelity forum! -about OM and what was going through his head and did he really like me, etc, etc. I do think I'd be single though. 

I think the main issue people are having is that you are not showing any remorse. It is clear you are still emotionally tied to your AP.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> But, you see, coldout, it's not just that people here don't understand -it's that as a WS that has been given the gift of R, YOU don't GET to care. Anything about the AP is a moot point now. The affair is over (right?). It doesn't matter what her reasons were; the whole relationship was based on lies and selfishness to begin with, so there is not much point in analyzing her motives now.
> 
> I am a WW (Devastated Dad's to be exact). I really can't imagine the feelings he would have if he thought I was sitting around wondering -and posting! on a Coping with Infidelity forum! -about OM and what was going through his head and did he really like me, etc, etc. I do think I'd be single though.
> 
> I think the main issue people are having is that you are not showing any remorse. It is clear you are still emotionally tied to your AP.



So coldout--do you see what she just said? She is saying she betrayed her husband, and she GETS how horrible it would be to your wife if she knew you were dwelling so much on this woman even still. So she can feel that compassion and empathy for your wife, who you very deeply betrayed--but why don't we sense that level of understanding from you?

I think you vastly underestimate us--we definitely understand your attachment to this woman very well. But do you?

Allow me to explain. It was a lot of fun, the contact you had with her, the things you talked about, the lunches you had. It was highly pleasurable, enjoyable...shall we say so much fun that even now you are turning the whole thing over in your mind. THREE MONTHS have passed without contact, but you still wonder...and wonder...and wonder why and what might have been etc. Here, allow me to quote your first post



> It was wonderful and I soon found myself with very strong feelings for her.


And as far as I can tell from what you've posted, you never ended it with this woman. You were even getting _kicked out of the house_, and _going to marriage counseling_, and still you were in touch with her. But when _her_ husband told her to stop, and _she_ told you to work on your marriage, then you finally listened up. Sort of.

You even phrase it in the strangest way, "she never missed a beat," meaning she kept on contacting you while you were kicked out and in MC. "SHE" never missed a beat. What do you mean, *SHE?* It was YOU who never missed a beat. You have this amazing power to change your cell phone number, to block her texts and emails and calls. But you didn't want to bother with that...because really, deep down, you didn't want her to stop messaging you.

So really, the whole thing, as **you** describe it, was like an addiction. And frankly, you still seem to be quite addicted. So yes, we get why you want to know. 

But, you seem to want to blame her for everything. That is part of figuring out if you were "played." Were your strong emotions returned....or not? You are asking us, strangers, for an answer to that question. That's because, despite all of the lack of contact, she is still under your skin. On the one hand, if she was just "playing you," you can now fully blame her for everything. She was a seductress who lured you into this emotional betrayal of your wife, right? You weren't an adult who could make independent choices, it was all on her. On the other hand, if she did return your feelings, and she wasn't playing you--but in the end she didn't want to divorce when it came right down to it....well maybe she still "loves" you after all. And you can keep on pondering the whole darn thing, just like you have for the last 3 months.

coldout--do you have any compassion for what your wife would feel if she read this thread? *Are you brave enough to show it to her?*


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> coldout--do you have any compassion for what your wife would feel if she read this thread? *Are you brave enough to show it to her?*
> 
> 
> Please answer this. I am not saying "show it to her" but how would she react to seeing this and how do you feel in the pit of your stomach when you think about showing her this thread?
> ...


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

coldout said:


> Thesunwillcomeout.....Thank you for your comments! My wife and I actually talk about things a lot and it has REALLY helped. My wife new about my friendship with this girl. Obviously this didn't help with her feelings on the situation. She was not surprised to find out it was this girl. I think she is biased but she is of the opinion that I was taken advantage of. She knows that she has attempted to remain in contact with me recently. We decided jointly to ignore her after I told her to leave me alone and she has not tried for some time now.
> 
> My wife has pointed out numerous things about her (like attempting to contact me after she was pregnant) that she says make it obvious she is not good and up to no good. My wife even sites that she didn't like dogs as a reason she is bad...which is kind of funny but may be true.
> 
> I posted this more to see what people thought. Whether I am an idiot and did a bad/dumb thing is not really in question. I can't help but think about things and wonder why.


That's good! Keep talking to your wife. You should go to her with everything FIRST! No secrets. Sounds like you are blessed with a good wife. Value her in everything you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> But, you see, coldout, it's not just that people here don't understand -it's that as a WS that has been given the gift of R, YOU don't GET to care. Anything about the AP is a moot point now. The affair is over (right?). It doesn't matter what her reasons were; the whole relationship was based on lies and selfishness to begin with, so there is not much point in analyzing her motives now.
> 
> I am a WW (Devastated Dad's to be exact). I really can't imagine the feelings he would have if he thought I was sitting around wondering -and posting! on a Coping with Infidelity forum! -about OM and what was going through his head and did he really like me, etc, etc. I do think I'd be single though.
> 
> I think the main issue people are having is that you are not showing any remorse. It is clear you are still emotionally tied to your AP.


Listen, listen to this! Take it in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*"A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy."*
_Friedrich Nietzsche_

T


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> coldout--do you have any compassion for what your wife would feel if she read this thread? *Are you brave enough to show it to her?*


Everything she wrote was good and spot on, and this, ^^^ , if you really are talking with your wife, being transparent with her, this--showing her your thread, would be the lovely blow to your obsession with the OW that you so desperately need! Take the challenge. Be brave. Kill the affair. Embrace your wife. Make her number one by choosing her and excorcise the OW from your brain/heart. 

You can choose the right thing. Wonder about the good things like "How did I ever deserve such a wonderful wife?" "How can I be a better man and win back her trust?" And forget wondering about the loser. Make your wife (and yourself) the winners!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

One of the reasons I posted this is BC my wife and I have debated this very question. And the consensus has been that I was played. The truth of the matter is that if I hadn't told her to buzz off our relationship would still exist.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My guess is that your relationship would still exist, but it is a completely different relationship than you think.

To you, she is someone you fell in love with and would leave your wife for.

To her, you are someone she liked to hang with, but would never give up her life for.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

coldout said:


> One of the reasons I posted this is BC my wife and I have debated this very question. And the consensus has been that I was played. The truth of the matter is that if I hadn't told her to buzz off our relationship would still exist.


What relationship? The one where she stays with her husband and you stay with your wife and the two of you act like best friends on the brink of taking off your clothes and examining each others interesting parts? That relationship?

T


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You were not played. You both were falling and spiraling into the dismal abyss of fantasy.

These relationships are based on a premise of deceit for the excitement of the forbidden is great. The deception of a fantasy that can be made true yet the sad reality is it is all an illusion, a mirage of destruction and misery.

The mind loves exhilaration, its all basically the same in the mind from a cocaine addict, to a cheater cheating and a porn addict watching porn. Dopamine loves novelty.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

coldout said:


> One of the reasons I posted this is BC my wife and I have debated this very question. *And the consensus has been that I was played.* The truth of the matter is that if I hadn't told her to buzz off our relationship would still exist.


Is this the excuse your wife came up with and you went with it so you wouldn't get into more trouble? :scratchhead: 

Why don't you actually take responsibility instead of shifting this onto the OW? You weren't played. You had an emotional affair with the woman. You made your own choices and they were wrong. You could have stopped at any time or even not started at all. You wanted to be with her and you were. Stop with the excuses and start spending this time focusing on your wife.

Geez.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Coldout--what is your answer to this question. Use full sentences please.

Were you playing her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Maybe its important to find out what OP actually thinks "being played" means.

Coldout...

You are aware that 'playing' a person is something one does to a person to achieve a selfish outcome, right?
And you are also aware that when push came to shove, this "friend" of yours told you that, "we needed to fix our marriages", right?
That her end game is to stay with her husband, right?
But she continued to try to hold onto you, right?

For what reason? For your own good? No. For *HER* own good. She wants you to be part of her *OTHER* life, not the real one, in which she has babies and a husband, she wants you in her *'play*' life.

* You're being PLAYED.*

And by the way, on a side note, what "friend" would say to the other, "we needed to fix our marriages"? I've never told a friend I couldn't associate with him anymore because I needed to _fix my marriage_, what the hell would that mean? And don't deny you thought of it as something more than a friendship, because you clearly stated, "...saw posts to her husband *within days of our split* that I knew were lies". Within days of your split??? With your buddy? C'mon man.

T


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Kindi, whose side are you on? His wife or the OW?


I am on no one's side.

I got no dog in this fight. 

He wants to screw around on his wife, reconcile with his wife, explore his options with his "friend", it's all the same to me.

I'm just trying to clarify why he thinks she played him given that she's still trying to be with him and he's the one putting on the brakes.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

kindi said:


> I'm just trying to clarify why he thinks she played him given that she's still trying to be with him and he's the one putting on the brakes.


Me too.

And that's partly why I turned the tables to ask Coldout, were you "playing her" or not? If you weren't "playing" her, what was the point of your contact with her in the first place--"just to be friends?"


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## coldout (Dec 11, 2012)

No, I was not playing her. She wanted more, talked about wanting it to be more. But in the end...she didn't. I would have been willing to be with her and she knew that. 

I am aware that I am a jackass so don't bother telling me anymore.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

coldout said:


> No, I was not playing her. She wanted more, talked about wanting it to be more. But in the end...she didn't.


So you're question is answered then? Or is there something else you were looking for, something else bothering you?

T


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

CO- I think your reaction to a lot of this is based around the rejection that you are having to deal with. It's not ever an easy thing to have someone tell you that they don't want to be with you. I'm sure that she enjoys your company, and wants to keep that... but it would not be fair to your BW. If you want my feminine perspective, I'd say yes, she did... but it was not her intent. 

You don't need anyone to tell you what you are vs. are not... but really... if your wife doesn't make you happy, you should at least be kind enough to let her go... for both of you.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

*why would a woman put so much effort into winning me and my heart and my feelings over just and then not want them in the end?*

.....Why would a husband put so much effort into winning his wife and her heart and her feelings over just and then not want them in the end?

:scratchhead:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

coldout said:


> No, I was not playing her. She wanted more, talked about wanting it to be more. But in the end...she didn't. *I would have been willing to be with her and she knew that. *
> 
> I am aware that I am a jackass so don't bother telling me anymore.


I, for one, am not calling you a jackass. All of my posts are intended to get you thinking about your situation from a different angle. That seemed to me to be the point of what most people have said in your thread. (If I wanted to call you names, I'm perfectly capable of doing that. But I haven't.)

Here is my concern, or issue, with your question. Feel free to correct me in any way if I've misunderstood you.
You have asked if you were being "played," that is, if she claimed to want to be with you, but had no intentions of doing so. This (in my mind at least) is based on the premise that she did something...unethical. She lured you away from your wife on selfish, false pretenses. So...what to do with that idea? Would you have not cheated on your wife unless this woman was being sincere? Where does that get you? It still suggests that you would leave your wife again, if a sincere, "non-player" should present herself. And I say that because you have said close to nothing suggesting otherwise. The very fact that you are dwelling on it supports that view.

But let's assume she was a player, behaving unethically. When we're examining the morality of the situation--that lack of ethics hardly supercedes the fact that both she and you are married, and were basically dating each other. So she is betraying her husband by dating you, and you're betraying your wife by dating her. Maybe you were unhappy in your marriage, but rather than do the honorable thing and divorce before dating, you chose to date.

So now we come to your preoccupation with her being a player. Do you understand why we are trying, quite kindly in my view and with a great deal of restraint, to point out that her unethical "playerness" was not the overriding immorality under the circumstances?

-------------------------------

I just have one last suggestion for you. When you are single and dating, and you are seeing people who are likewise single, there is an openness to that interaction that helps you so much in choosing a life partner. Presumably you are yourself, you date long enough so they can see the "real" you, you meet each other's friends and parents, in short, you learn as much as possible about each other in an atmosphere of honesty.

There is a reason that marriages born from affairs fail at a catastrophic rate. It's because that honesty is lacking. You can't see that much of each other, you can't meet each other's families, you can't get a global picture of the other person. Even worse, you both have an enormous incentive to only show your best side--perhaps even a false side. You don't argue, you never disagree. That is because if you do, it will kill the fantasy. If an affair isn't fun, there is simply no point in it at all, so both parties protect it as much as possible.

This is (one would hope) close to the opposite of what one ought to do when choosing a life partner. So, even if in the future, you won't stop dating other women while staying married to your wife in honor of your vows, consider divorcing before dating from an entirely pragmatic perspective. Honesty is the best foundation for every relationship, and I truly hope that you find a way to be as honest with your wife as you have been with us. Even if it's something she really doesn't want to hear.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Do you understand why we are trying, quite kindly in my view and with a great deal of restraint, to point out that her unethical "playerness" was not the overriding immorality under the circumstances?


Huge deal of restraint.

Great post iheartlife. Particulary this posrtion resume the fakeness of affairs very well.


> I just have one last suggestion for you. When you are single and dating, and you are seeing people who are likewise single, there is an openness to that interaction that helps you so much in choosing a life partner. Presumably you are yourself, you date long enough so they can see the "real" you, you meet each other's friends and parents, in short, you learn as much as possible about each other in an atmosphere of honesty.
> 
> There is a reason that marriages born from affairs fail at a catastrophic rate. It's because that honesty is lacking. You can't see that much of each other, you can't meet each other's families, you can't get a global picture of the other person. Even worse, you both have an enormous incentive to only show your best side--perhaps even a false side. You don't argue, you never disagree. That is because if you do, it will kill the fantasy. If an affair isn't fun, there is simply no point in it at all, so both parties protect it as much as possible.


:iagree:


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> So you're question is answered then? Or is there something else you were looking for, something else bothering you?
> 
> T


I am starting to think OP wanted to leave his wife for this woman and now OW doesn't want him so he is "settling" for his wife.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

DevastatedDad said:


> I am starting to think OP wanted to leave his wife for this woman and now OW doesn't want him so he is "settling" for his wife.


I think he even openly admitted that somewhere above, but I don't care enough to look anymore. Starting to feel like we are beating a dead horse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Rejection cut deep.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Coldout, how old are you and how old is she? the reason that I ask is because it seems to be trend with younger women (20s and 30s) to wear "male friends" as a badge of honour which might explain her aggressive pursuit of your friendship but nothing more.


Coldout still hasn't given us an indication of his age and the age of his mistress.

I think that might help to explain a lot if he and especially she is in her 20s or 30s. these women were brought up to believe that male / female friendships are no different than same sex friendships and act as if it's their birthright.

My fiance's EA was 29 at the time. From what I can see, it seems that she liked my fiance for going to see Indie bands and her boyfriend for going to the pub to watch sports. 

Her messages to my fiance seem to suggest that their friendship -- between her and my fiance -- was her birthright and she was going to hang on tight with them.

I've mentioned it somewhere around here before, but I'll say it again........ Apparently, not everyone buys into it (thankful that I am not alone)...... when her 30th b-day party came around, her boyfriend sent my fiance an invitation the day of....... sorry, but I can only see that as a passive aggressive ploy. Even her 40 yo boyfriend wouldn't stand up to her.

coldout, can you tell use your and her ages. that might help us to help you sort out your issues here.


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