# What's your problem?



## 60+ (Nov 18, 2013)

This is so hard! I'm 65 (feel 23) - and he's 74 - about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary but just don't feel like celebrating anything.
Three years ago he starts to help a Russian woman with her English. It progresses from e-mail to Skype. At the same time he moves into a room of his own with his own television, own computer, and own e-mail address. And a closed door.
Don't think anything of it at the time. Gradually it becomes more and more calls; of longer and longer duration. Then later and later into the night - (a 4 hour time difference between here and Russia). 
In the end there are 3, 4, 5 calls a day.
And eventually they actually manage to meet - he travels to Russia to give a talk on "dying cultures"...one of which we have here. All with my blessing.
She is younger. Blonde. Slim. Beautiful! A professor.
His mistake is to send an e-mail to her and address it to me by mistake. He rushes to the lounge to ask me to delete the e-mail. I say I will.
Not good enough.
"I want to SEE you delete it!"
Which I do, in his presence. 
More fool him. I can READ my deleted messages. Of love.
What a fool. What a naïve fool. What an idiot..me!
So....I tell him.
No guilt. No apology. This comes days later.
"I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?"....angry voice...
"End all communication" I say.
"You don't understand....can I just....she needs me ...PLEASE!"
"You must do what you think is right"
"No! I want you to say or no"
"I'm not going to tell you what to do. You must do what you think is right".
Anger and frustration on his part.
I'm dying here. Feeling deceived. 3 years! Hurt. Embarrassed. Inadequate.
How to make him understand that this is going to take a long, long time?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry you're here...

These should be of help...

Start here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

What is the 180?

 His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage eBook: Willard F. Jr. Harley

What is the 180?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your feelings are normal. There will be a roller coaster effect on your emotions for quite a while. Your WH is still in the fog of the affair.

I would start the 180.

There also has to be no contact (NC). Your WH needs to end any and all contact with her. 

Is she the only one? You will not know till he give you all his accounts with passwords and allow you to look.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

What took 3 years? What is the 180?

You have come to the right place. There are many informative threads here. Browse around.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Your husband needs to drop his affair partner like yesterdays news. 

He should do it, without needing to be asked. 

However, if you want to save the marriage, it's important that you DEMAND that he cut all contact immediately.

If he will not, see an attorney and file for divorce. Maybe that's the wake up call he needs. 

A marriage can not recover with a third party in the picture. He needs to realize that. 

Alternatively, if you still wish to stay married, you are a lot younger than he, you could tell him you want to take a lover to. This also might wake him up.




60+ said:


> This is so hard! I'm 65 (feel 23) - and he's 74 - about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary but just don't feel like celebrating anything.
> Three years ago he starts to help a Russian woman with her English. It progresses from e-mail to Skype. At the same time he moves into a room of his own with his own television, own computer, and own e-mail address. And a closed door.
> Don't think anything of it at the time. Gradually it becomes more and more calls; of longer and longer duration. Then later and later into the night - (a 4 hour time difference between here and Russia).
> In the end there are 3, 4, 5 calls a day.
> ...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He won't stop this unless you force him to. The question is whether you want to do this.

At your age, do you really feel that you deserve to be treated like this? After all these years?

If it were me - and I'm older, too - I would:

- Tell him that you will stay with him only if the affair ends now and completely. You must have proof that he has broken all contact and you must have complete transparency from him.

- If he agonizes over this, acts like he can't do it or is on the fence, I would say, 'Fine, go find your happiness. I won't stay with a man who wants a girlfriend on the side who he is professing love to.'

And then I would work very hard to institute the 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Hi 60

I'm sorry you are here. I was 55 when I found out about my H's EA's and it did affect how I approached the situation.

Your H has been engaged in an affair for 3 years that quite likely went to a PA when he went to Russia. Now he is professing his love for her and says that she needs him. Yet, he seems to have no regard for your needs. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. So far, he is deep into the affair fog.

Even if he comes out of the fog tomorrow, you will be left to heal the pain he has caused you, rebuild trust and redefine your new marriage. Its never the same after you have experienced something like this. You will be constantly monitoring him and will never look at him the same way again. You will lose a lot of the respect you had for him just a few short months ago. The process to get over an affair can take 2-5 years, and that is AFTER the WS admits his wrong-doing and is truly remorseful and recommitts to the marriage.

Or, you can look back at the 40 years you shared, thank him for it and recognize that it made you who you are today. The look forward and celebrate and enjoy who you are on your own.

Check out a thread by a woman named "Disconnected". Her situation is similar.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/82450-i-never-saw-coming.html


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Any update?


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## 60+ (Nov 18, 2013)

Thanks to all those who took the trouble to try and help!
It turns out it is not over. Last week he looked me in the eye and said: "It's over". Yesterday he sent an e-mail asking her if she was all right. I don't know if she replied.
Damn! It hurts!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

60+ said:


> Thanks to all those who took the trouble to try and help!
> It turns out it is not over. Last week he looked me in the eye and said: "It's over". Yesterday he sent an e-mail asking her if she was all right. I don't know if she replied.
> Damn! It hurts!


Contact an attorney and file for divorce. Also, you need to be in individual counseling as soon as possible.

Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The best thing you can do--is to at least try to force him back to REALITY

At 74 yrs old----I doubt if he really wants to be on his own---he has been with you, had your love/support/company for however many years---and it has made life bearable and OK----

When forced to be on his own,---that will change---it ain't so easy to go thru day after day by yourself----even if he has his Russian lover---she is there, he is wherever you are, and I doubt very much if they will get together----so he will spend much of his time by himself, on his own, if you "split"----

He is probably taking "one last shot", as being 74 isn't so great, the only females that will look at him at all (if that is what he needs) are those close to his own age----younger women---and by that I mean, in their 50's and below---are not interested in a man in his 70's---unless there is a lot of money involved---so your H, is in a foul place mentally---but that does not give him any right whatsoever to cheat on you---

You need to take the necessary steps---to deal with what he is doing, and if D/threat of D is necessary---then implement them.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

Check finances. Is he giving her expensive gifts? Money? Protect yourself.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

60+ said:


> .....
> "I want to SEE you delete it!"
> Which I do, in his presence.
> More fool him. I can READ my deleted messages. Of love.
> What a fool. What a naïve fool. What an idiot..me!


No way are you 'an idiot'.
Your WH is an idiot for not knowing that deleted messages can still be read!

No doubt you were stunned to read his messages of love to OW.

I was reeling when I first read my WH's messages of 'true love forever' and 'marriage proposals' to OW. WH is 64 and OW is 27! OW's motive is to find a way of providing for her parents down in the village. She thinks WH is the way to solve this problem ... but I don't think so as WH and I are older than her parents!! 

My departure from Asia four weeks ago marked the day of our separation.

I joined TAM/CWI six months ago - and it has been a lifeline. The contact with people who have been through this type of situation and their excellent advice has kept me going. I haven't always followed the advice, particularly where I resisted letting OW's parents know about her and WH's 'close friendship'. 

I wish there was a way of fast-forwarding from 'discovery' to 'acceptance', but there isn't. The emotional roller coaster is a tough experience, and the lows come unexpectedly. After 41 years of marriage it is very hard - still - to imagine the future without WH. But slowly the distance between us is becoming more real. (I wish it would go faster though ...) 

I hope you are well, and that your decision goes well for you.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, let me see, he is giving up on the younger woman in his life, for a younger woman in his fantasy world.

What an idiotic thing for him to do!

You need to see a solicitor. At once. And get him to protect your finances.

Question... is it possible this is a sign of early onset Alzheimer's or something similar?:scratchhead:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Matt Matt---I think its one final last fling---his next birthday is 75---3/4 of a century---that digs in mentally

He has a loving wife, and a good life---but he wants to know if he can attract a younger different woman---it all goes with "going with the territory", and that territory is slowly day after day, working your way toward 80 and beyond, and some don't handle it so well

Different strokes for different folks

What he did wasn't right, and OP has every right to hit him with a sledge hammer---but getting old, and knowing the opposite sex DOES NOT SEE YOU---when you walk by---is very hard to handle


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Men! Seriously, why do men act this way??? What on earth does he really think a young Russian woman sees in him besides a potential ticket out of a recessed economy? 

I've watched documentaries about older men heading to Russia in group tours looking for mail order brides. These older men, with paunches and working-man incomes, actually believe the hot, blonde Russian bombshell really likes him for his sexiness and charm! And they are so dismayed to find the ladies could care less about them once they've settled here with papers.

I am so sorry you have to see this in your husband. I can't imagine what I would do (well, yes I could...and it would require pliers and a blowtorch). For now, I think your best bet is to seek legal assistance to secure the rest of your golden years. Whether or not he snaps out of his fairytale, you need to be protected.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> Men! Seriously, why do men act this way??? What on earth does he really think a young Russian woman sees in him besides a potential ticket out of a recessed economy?
> 
> I've watched documentaries about older men heading to Russia in group tours looking for mail order brides. These older men, with paunches and working-man incomes, actually believe the hot, blonde Russian bombshell really likes him for his sexiness and charm! And they are so dismayed to find the ladies could care less about them once they've settled here with papers.
> 
> I am so sorry you have to see this in your husband. I can't imagine what I would do (well, yes I could...and it would require pliers and a blowtorch). For now, I think your best bet is to seek legal assistance to secure the rest of your golden years. Whether or not he snaps out of his fairytale, you need to be protected.


If the young, blond Russian professor (yeah, right! A professor!) wants him for his money, his looks, his charming nature... *who cares? It is still wrong!*


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Question... is it possible this is a sign of early onset Alzheimer's or something similar?:scratchhead:


I mean this very seriously ... I wondered a while back whether my WH had suffered a mini-stroke, or had some form of dementia or Alzheimer's as his behaviour seemed to be so out of character.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

disconnected said:


> I mean this very seriously ... I wondered a while back whether my WH had suffered a mini-stroke, or had some form of dementia or Alzheimer's as his behaviour seemed to be so out of character.


I have seen this happen before, they can bring about a radical change in personality.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

60+ said:


> This is so hard! I'm 65 (feel 23) - and he's 74 - about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary but just don't feel like celebrating anything.
> Three years ago he starts to help a Russian woman with her English. It progresses from e-mail to Skype. At the same time he moves into a room of his own with his own television, own computer, and own e-mail address. And a closed door.
> Don't think anything of it at the time. Gradually it becomes more and more calls; of longer and longer duration. Then later and later into the night - (a 4 hour time difference between here and Russia).
> In the end there are 3, 4, 5 calls a day.
> ...



I am 40 now but still feel and act like a 20 something year old.

40th anniversary? Congrats.

Sounds like it was harmless at first, teaching english but since most Russian women are hot, it turned into an EA emotional affair rather quickly. That's why he got his own room, computer, tv, etc.

She's young, blond, slim, beautiful....red flag. If I was chatting with a young, blond, slim, beautiful woman, in my own room, computer, closed door.....my wife would be.......its her or me!!!

This other woman OW, made him feel young again and that he still has it. If your marriage isn't over, use this to your advantage. Find out how she dressed, hairstyle, etc. and do that for him. Find out what you can, without letting him know this, and surprise him.

He shouldn't be angry and frustrated with you. He should be sorry and ashamed for how weak he was and how he hurt you!!!

I would say, go to marriage counseling MC, and really communicate with him. Why did you do this? Lonely? Lack of sex? What are you missing in our marriage? After you find this out, do this with him.

I also know that many young, hot women, from less fortunate countries use men, regardless of their age, to get into their countries. Sad but true and it happens all the time.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I also know that many young, hot women, from less fortunate countries use men, regardless of their age, to get into their countries. Sad but true and it happens all the time.


Exactly.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

To 60+

Getting older does not have many advantages and in the category of being attractive and desired by the youth is almost non existent.

*Your husband is sacrificing loyalty and integrity for a shiny exciting apple that has a maggot in the middle. He will eventually find out that this woman is not what he fantasies about.*

I know that it is hard, especially in America, to be old, not attractive to most, and losing mental and physical abilities. *However, maintaining your integrity, loyality, and following loving principles are very rewarding and esteem builders no matter which age you are.*


You have been given good advice about protecting yourself financially so I will not repeat that. I would like to just say that I hope that you reach out to anyone that can help right there in your community. Do you have friends, family, church, or other people that can help you with your emotional turmoil?

*Make a plan to improve yourself anyway that you can think of.* Do you have something that you always wanted to do such as learning a new language, starting a new hobby, becoming more sociable with other people? Those are just a few of the things that maybe you could do. I know that the plan and the activities will not wipe away all the hurt that you have but it will help!


I do not think that is ever too late to become more self efficiency/self reliant. I know that people cannot be completely 100% self efficiency/self reliant but the closer you get to that the less the pain will be.


I sympathize with your pain my dear but know that you have kept your loyalty, integrity, and loving principles and that should be of some comfort to you. Remember the line from one of the Beatle songs in our era that says “The love you take is equal to the love you make” I wonder if your husband has heard that song?

I also wonder if your husband has heard the song “You don’t know what you got until you lose it” I hope that he does not wait that long and is not that stupid.


*Your husband has a very rude awaking coming in the near future so get a much support from outside sources as possible so that you will not be devastated now or when he falls apart.*


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## 60+ (Nov 18, 2013)

Wow! You people are just amazing! I am so grateful for the support and advice from you all. Two things I take from it all: "Remorse is in the eye of the beholder" and "Lows come unexpectedly".
I don't believe he's remorseful at all - on Friday he sent her an e-mail: "I'm so, so sorry if I hurt you". Not to me, you understand? To HER!!!
That brought on many, many tears. But I haven't told him that I can read his mail - yet.
We are both on pension so I can't afford a lawyer or counsellor or anything that costs money. However, I CAN read your messages of support and they are wonderful.
I have started to wear make-up again and dress properly - even though I have nowhere to go - I'm retired. So that was another good piece of advice.
I also had the opportunity of a little job for a week and that was marvellous. Getting out of the house, being useful, and getting away (from him).
Time is a great healer. May it pass quickly!
So I'm in it for the duration.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you want a D---you can get a D, w/out an atty

If things are fairly simple as to property----(you will get half of everything, including his retirement pension)---and your Home is paid for, so is an asset with some value---you will have enuff, monthly to live on

You can go online, to your state's legal codes---type in family law---and read everything pertaining to D, and property settlement----you can file the D, yourself---if he contests it---it probably won't be that hard to hash out the property split, and you can find a good legal aid or atty who will charge you based on what you can afford to pay, as a senior---to help you.----You do not have to stay in this situation

As for going out---if you have wheels, you can always get out---you have friends, who you can do things with, there are many things seniors can do---and you can do them with other seniors---If you can get to your own family members---you may get some comfort there----there are lots of things you can do for yourself---you are not locked into anything

One thing you might wanna do to protect your assets--is to take all of the marital assets and put them in your name only----it is a known fact that older men, can/do get conned by younger women, and even other men, into parting of marital asset money for very frivolous reasons------it could very well be this Russian chick is manipulating him for all she is worth, to get him to give her some of YOUR dinero----keep a very close eye on what he does---do not feel guilty about anything---what you are doing in this instance---is protecting your future---for if he gives her money or expensive gifts, bought with your money---THAT IS MONEY YOU NEEDED FOR THE FUTURE--THAT IS GONE FOR GOOD----do not let this drama go on any longer---remember---this is your living/retirement money that he is wasting on contact with this Russian chick!!!!!!!


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

60+

Concentrate on yourself, dress smartly, get yourself a job even if it is voluntary work and get out of the house.
Contact friends and go for lunch, shopping( window shopping is fine if money is tight), join a club, take up a hobby.

Detach, make sure he can not touch your money as I am sure he is sending her some.

I feel sorry for your husband as he is such a fool-he does not know what will hit him. 

There were many cases of Eastern European girls going out with older men where I live. They had boyfriends, but the boyfriends were encouraging them to fleece these gullible men.

A blonde professor Russian is bound to have a boyfriend there and she is using your husband as a ticket to the West. Once she settles in your country and dumps your husband, the boyfriend will join her.

Have you got children? Can you speak to them about their father's behaviour?

Have you tried exposing this relationship to everyone?

Stay strong, this is not going to end well and you will be needed when he falls to pieces-the question is, are you willing to be there to help him pick himself up from the s*** he got himself into?


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

Hi 60+

jnj and Tiberius have given great advice ... 

Things will get better, but it is a rocky / up and down road ahead. 

If you have 'down' times/days, try not to get too despondent ... just go with it, because things will get better. For me the highs and lows come from nowhere, when I least expect it.

I just tell myself that it will get better (if it is a 'down' day) or else if things are going well I get mentally prepared for the 'incoming' low. I had tried to control these up/down times, but now I've just learned to 'go with it' and recognise the 'moods' for what they are ... in my case, grieving for the loss of my marriage, and the loss of my happy, united family. (This has caused great division amongst our four children ... but I'm hoping things will come right soon).

I hope my comments about 'highs and lows' are helpful.

TAM/CWI is an excellent place to come to for advice because it comes from people who have been thru or are going thru situations that they never wanted. The different perspectives are really helpful because it is easy to identify with what others are experiencing. 

Good luck. Just to add that while your marriage now features a "beautiful Russian professor" mine has been infected by a "village idiot from North Asia". My WH (64) is madly and deeply in love with OW (27) ... OW, on the other hand, is looking for someone else to "provide" for her parents!!


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## salina (Nov 23, 2013)

60+
People on this site is correct when they said you need to see a lawyer. Did you do steps to ensure your finance is safe? Because what those young blonde Russian women want anything to do with a 70+ old man unless there is money involved.
If you can take away or slow down the financial benefits, the girl may dump him pretty quick. Problem is would you want him back?


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## 60+ (Nov 18, 2013)

Disconnected - I love your empathy. So sorry your whole family has had to be torn through the shredder.
You're right about the high's and low's....went out with some girl friends last night (feeling strong) and had some really good laughs. And then - suddenly - burst into tears. The sadness just washes over me at the most unexpected times. But I'm sure these moments will get further and further apart.
Just such a pity that all love (and respect) has gone. "Whispers in the wind". Maybe someday....


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