# Rewriting Our Sexual Script



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

H and I have been through a lot of difficulty and growth in the last several years. (Feel free to check out my others posts)
We are both learning how to quickly access our own emotions, feelings and needs and then communicate those things with the other. This in itself is a giant step for both of us.

In the midst of all the turmoil of the last several years, one of the things we have sort of set as off limits is doing anything to change our sex-life.

Sex was the only thing really keeping us afloat for a while. H had made it clear that he didn’t want to mess with it. 
Everything else was falling apart so “let’s keep this as it is, it’s the one thing we are doing right.” was his response whenever I wanted to talk about it.

So I let it be, but in truth we have some misunderstandings and some inabilities to communicate in this area.

I now feel we as a couple are ready to start looking into some tweaks to our sex life. 
I’m not talking about sexual technique or trying new positions, I’m happy there, for me the issues I have are about building up to the main event, communicating in a sensual way that leads to something tangible, etc.
Being able to communicate without H feeling I’m critiquing or unhappy. 

I don’t even know where or how to begin.

Here are some things I know:
H prefers physical redirection as opposed to me telling him what to do or not do.

I love to anticipate and build up to something sexy whereas he seems to prefer being spontaneous and immediate.

He confuses me with sexual touch and direct stimulation but no follow through. (Like middle of the day, grabs me or squeezes me but he’s just playing around and it doesn’t lead to anything.)

He is very immediate and will forget later that he was buttering me up for later because he’s now busy doing something else.

I am definitely more of a responsive desire lover but I’m willing and do initiate and pursue. 

H is an open, giving, adventurous lover who has only just recently stepped back into his confidence, so I want him to see us making changes as an adventure that we are on together. Not a correction of something we are doing wrong. 

Does anyone have ideas for how to update our script?
Right now it’s pretty much that he waits on me to be interested. He’s patient and he’s respectful but he rarely pursues and if he does it’s in a time or place that I can’t respond fully, like the door’s wide open and our 15-yr-old daughter is in the next room, or I just got dressed to go somewhere and he wants to take my clothes off and mess up my hair. 
Or we only have 15 minutes till friends are coming over.

I’m not saying that I’m not open to those things, it’s just he doesn’t regularly create a time and place for me to really get to respond and open up to him.

It feels like, either I say yes and we do, or I seem uninterested so he’s fine to wait.
But there isn’t nearly enough coaxing or sensual but non-direct sexual innuendo.

My mind is my greatest sexual organ and he doesn’t engage it much in this way. I just don’t know how to lead in this area because I’m such a follower, I try to go where he’s leading to make him happy and that’s usually some quick fondling and if I’m not absolutely ‘into it’ he’s moving on. 

I don’t alway get ‘into it’ with quick fondling. 

Anyway, I feel like what we are facing is probably natural for an almost 25yr marriage. 
I just want to understand myself and also how to communicate with him what I need/ want.

I’m hoping there are some of you who are willing to share what’s worked for you in this area. Also maybe just chatting about this will spark some ideas for me to narrow down what I feel I need and how to communicate it to him.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tigerlily99 said:


> H and I have been through a lot of difficulty and growth in the last several years. (Feel free to check out my others posts)
> *We are both learning how to quickly access our own emotions, feelings and needs and then communicate those things with the other. This in itself is a giant step for both of us.
> *
> In the midst of all the turmoil of the last several years, one of the things we have sort of set as off limits is doing anything to change our sex-life.
> ...


A thought marriage counseling with a sex therapist.

You sound like you are making good progress.

Good luck


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## Kingrat (Nov 6, 2010)

My best advice is that you introduce him to the teachings of David Shade, is a long and rewarding journey. Deep down he needs to realize his role is to lead you. But it can not be you telling him that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I doubt I can help you.

My wife is submissive. She cannot tell me anything, though. Due to her being so submissive, and other problems.

I had to discover through terrible times, from 1978 to 1980, her needs. However, my own confidence was always high, and never shaken at all.

The only issue was I needed to realize she needed me to lead. When we got married I thought we were equal partners and there was no leading, and I made no attempts to control her. That did not please her, but she never let me know. She ended up letting someone seduce her in '78.

Now she has some non verbal cues she will use, and one verbal cue which she adopted after I came to realize she wants me to Dominate her. She is pretty extreme. I still have to learn things the old fashioned way, by experimentation. 

Sometimes I wish she would have talked to me and let me know, but then she would be a different person. I love her, faults and all, so I really don't want her to be a different person. Weird, but that's the way it is.

Have you ever spoken to your husband about what you would like? Or are you expecting him to just "get it"?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its tricky. One important thing is to avoid presenting it as "problems" but instead suggest "new" things that you would like to try.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I appreciate the responses. 

Thank you @youngatheart
@Kingrat I looked up David Shade, interesting stuff. I’d have to read his book to know whether or not this is what I’m looking for. 
Like I said it’s not technique that’s an issue as much as approach.
@WilliamM
Yes I do talk to him about some things. I think my biggest problem is I don’t always know exactly what I want, and what I want changes from week to week.

I agree wholeheartedly @uhtred I want to avoid presenting this as problems, but the truth is, it ‘feels’ like a problem to me, so he picks up on that right away.

Here are the concerns I thought that maybe discussing with others may help me get clarity on:

Is it normal for my feelings and desires to change weekly?

How can I create communication that tells him when the thing I got super excited about last week is now making me feel overstimulated and irritable, without him feeling like I’m criticizing him or being ‘hard to please’.

Is it unreasonable to ask him to understand my hormones/cycle and be ok with the constant changes?

I think I still have this feeling that I should be catering more to him and setting aside my feelings and needs for his sexual desires.
I did that for many years but now that our relationship is maturing I don’t do that anymore, and he also is way more aware of my emotional needs.

If I could accept that it’s ok to be ‘needy’ I might be able to be more direct about my needs, and not come across as upset or frustrated.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its completely normal to have sexual interests change and want different things at different times. Normal, but not universal. I very much like variety, but my wife really doesn't - for her there is this idea of finding what "works", and then doing it every time. 

I guess its yet another axis on which people's sexual interests vary. Maybe it has to do with how people "react" to sex. For me, sex is "fun", "exciting", "playful" - so I want variety, adventure, games etc. For my wife I think its "comforting", "bonding", "peasant" - so maybe that is why she prefers the same thing all the time.


So I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to expect him to recognize that your mood / interests vary. For many people that would be a positive thing. But - for some it may be difficult / confusing. To some people the variation feels threatening - they wonder why you would want "that" this time. 

Of course one disadvantage of varying sexual interests is that a couple may not always be in sync. Even if both like variety, on a particular night one may feel like wine, candles and massages, and the other like handcuffs and a riding crop - even if at some point both might be happy with both styles. 


Some people are very difficult to communicate with sexually. Whether through insecurity of something else, they feel threatened by discussions of sexual interests / desires. I know from experience how frustrating it can be to not be able to openly talk with your partner about what you like. 





tigerlily99 said:


> I appreciate the responses.
> 
> Thank you @youngatheart
> @Kingrat I looked up David Shade, interesting stuff. I’d have to read his book to know whether or not this is what I’m looking for.
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I very much like variety, but my wife really doesn't - for her there is this idea of finding what "works", and then doing it every time.


This is a problem in my marriage. DH has only ever had sex one way, in one position, and never not in bed. I know exactly what “works” for him, but it does very little for me. Knowing exactly what will happen each time, is boring and not even hardly worth the aggravation.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I don't know, but it almost sounds like he initiates sex when it's not possible. So he'd get the *credit* but not have to follow through? So it looks like he's trying when he's really avoiding. At any rate, that sounds annoying. Some people have success with scheduled sex?

If you're a moody girl, so be it. It sounds like you are critical of yourself for what you want. Ideally a man could read you to see that you're into this or that, regardless of what you were into last week. Hopefully he wants you to be satisfied, so seeking what you want actually gets him what he wants.

It's tricky in such a long relationship. Mine didn't progress much sexually so I have no solutions. It's awesome with a man who takes charge, but I don't know how to make that happen if they don't.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

KrisAmiss said:


> I don't know, but it almost sounds like he initiates sex when it's not possible. So he'd get the *credit* but not have to follow through? So it looks like he's trying when he's really avoiding. At any rate, that sounds annoying. Some people have success with scheduled sex?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




First paragraph was my initial thought exactly. Same with my XH. He would only flirt with me when he knew we didn’t have time to follow through. 


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Unfortunately its going to be hard to tell you the insight you need for him to change. If he wrote this post i could give some advice but it doesnt work for a 3rd party to try to fix/analyse someone else.

Some thoughts... When you mentioned that he is all grab-ass' and then not interested later.. could he be masturbating and releasing the sexual energy?

I had an unhealthy idea that my wife should be the initiator (mostly b/c it turned me on) but I have flipped that script. During this period of our marriage i would also not make time for intimacy b/c i figured "she would make it if she wanted, otherwise ill keep up with my hobby" -> but now i am the one making those times for her.

Guys are built for spontaneous. We can get aroused immediately (with a look, touch, or comment) and have an orgasm with very little skill involved ("just jiggle this up and down") - Meanwhile, women need to be seduced, build attraction, etc.. etc... Its a very different ballgame and unless he realizes this, and wants to play that game... he might not change.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

uhtred said:


> I think its completely normal to have sexual interests change and want different things at different times. Normal, but not universal....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I feel like my H definitely likes variety and we joke around about how being married to me is like having been married to 5 different women.

The week to week changes are fine with him, but I guess it’s the last paragraph above that is my worry, which then prevents me from feeling good about just expressing myself. I worry that he considers me high maintenance, something that is a sore subject for me. 

In reality I am anything BUT high maintenance, I wish I could allow myself to be high maintenance in the bedroom. 





uhtred said:


> Of course one disadvantage of varying sexual interests is that a couple may not always be in sync. Even if both like variety, on a particular night one may feel like wine, candles and massages, and the other like handcuffs and a riding crop - even if at some point both might be happy with both styles.



Yes, I feel this happens a lot. We are both on different pages and then get frustrated. 
If I’m in a wine and candles mood he’s not and if I’m feeling particularly intense, I think to myself that he will be so happy about that, and then he’s more in a chill mood. 

Occasionally we are both on the same page and it’s always awesome when that happens!


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