# Is it alright on the other side?



## spoondriver

So, my wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. 2 kids, mortgage and a shedload of debt that comes with it all...

Past year has been pretty crappy, 2 pretty stupid arguements and a significant lack of sex. I genuinely don't remember when we last french kissed...

The physical side of our relationship has been shocking, I'm mad about my wife, I know she has some physical hangups about her body image but it absolutely doesn't bother me one bit.

Long story short, I found something in her handbag when popping a little love letter in which sparked some fears. I should have just come out with it but I went and did the stupid thing of looking through her cloud photos and found some pictures of her I was pretty shocked to see and quite hurt to think I have no place in her sex life if that's what she gets up to. We all get off on different things, just sucks that she has no interest in me.

I know I did the wrong thing snooping, I severely damaged trust and if our marriage makes it out alive I'll be beyond amazed. I don't want any sympathy, I messed up.

So if this goes belly up is it really that bad? I mean we sleep apart because our kids are awful sleepers and if they get in I sleep through it, my wife doesn't. I always do the washing, I hoover, the dishwasher gets done and the rabbit gets fed.

Now I'll be gutted because we were sweethearts from our teens but evidently something just isn't right. We don't have sex, we don't cuddle, we don't share the same bed.

Am I hanging on to something for the kids, the nostalgia? At the end of the day I just want to be loved and happy, and my wife deserves that too if she isn't.

Advice from anyone welcome, I just get the feeling I'm holding on for something that won't happen.

And I'll take the flak for snooping from the community, not my proudest moment. Won't be repeated.


----------



## Tilted 1

Nothing wrong with getting to the bottom of this. That said, she on the edge. With the love letter and all other that's included. Question is are you going to play the pick me dance, or are you going to be the man with strength in your marriage?


----------



## Mrdubstar24

spoondriver said:


> So, my wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. 2 kids, mortgage and a shedload of debt that comes with it all...
> 
> Past year has been pretty crappy, 2 pretty stupid arguements and a significant lack of sex. I genuinely don't remember when we last french kissed...
> 
> The physical side of our relationship has been shocking, I'm mad about my wife, I know she has some physical hangups about her body image but it absolutely doesn't bother me one bit.
> 
> Long story short, I found something in her handbag when popping a little love letter in which sparked some fears. I should have just come out with it but I went and did the stupid thing of looking through her cloud photos and found some pictures of her I was pretty shocked to see and quite hurt to think I have no place in her sex life if that's what she gets up to. We all get off on different things, just sucks that she has no interest in me.
> 
> I know I did the wrong thing snooping, I severely damaged trust and if our marriage makes it out alive I'll be beyond amazed. I don't want any sympathy, I messed up.
> 
> So if this goes belly up is it really that bad? I mean we sleep apart because our kids are awful sleepers and if they get in I sleep through it, my wife doesn't. I always do the washing, I hoover, the dishwasher gets done and the rabbit gets fed.
> 
> Now I'll be gutted because we were sweethearts from our teens but evidently something just isn't right. We don't have sex, we don't cuddle, we don't share the same bed.
> 
> Am I hanging on to something for the kids, the nostalgia? At the end of the day I just want to be loved and happy, and my wife deserves that too if she isn't.
> 
> Advice from anyone welcome, I just get the feeling I'm holding on for something that won't happen.
> 
> And I'll take the flak for snooping from the community, not my proudest moment. Won't be repeated.


i feel for you mate but imo ask your self what do you want and have you talked to each other about your feelings about if like if you both feel the same way and can separate on good terms your children will still get both the attention and love from both you and your partner even if you separated. hope that's helpfull


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I for one am not going to admonish you for snooping. Sometimes it needs to be done. Your spouse should have nothing to hide. Did you find something that indicates she is cheating? Does she seem to have some kind of fetish that she hasnt been sharing with you? It sounds like she is quite checked out of the marriage. What have you been doing to try and work on things? Why are you the one doing everything around the house? If she isnt willing to work on things, tell her she can get out, you got it handled.

Things on the other side of divorce can be awesome, depends on your situation. I personally have never regretted my divorces. You cant fix your marriage by yourself.


----------



## Tasorundo

So what did you find? I am confused, you put a letter in her purse and found something? Then you looked at the cloud and found pictures of.....her?....dudes?....what?


----------



## Tilted 1

It's because if she has sex with you it's cheating on her other man, she's monkey branching, looking for the best deal. Is it one of your friends?


----------



## Mrdubstar24

3Xnocharm said:


> I for one am not going to admonish you for snooping. Sometimes it needs to be done. Your spouse should have nothing to hide. Did you find something that indicates she is cheating? Does she seem to have some kind of fetish that she hasnt been sharing with you? It sounds like she is quite checked out of the marriage. What have you been doing to try and work on things? Why are you the one doing everything around the house? If she isnt willing to work on things, tell her she can get out, you got it handled.
> 
> Things on the other side of divorce can be awesome, depends on your situation. I personally have never regretted my divorces. You cant fix your marriage by yourself.


i agree with you actually mate well said :smile2:


----------



## dadstartingover

Suggested reading for you: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*

Your situation may very well be too far gone, but you need a bit of a wake-up call. 

One of the most common things I hear from my readers is, "My wife hated her body. She only would get undressed in the dark. She wouldn't let me touch her. And then... I discovered (enter awful sexual secret here)." Your wife is a human being. Humans have sexual and intimacy needs. That energy needs to come out in some way. It sounds like you found out what her outlet is.


----------



## Adelais

Married people should have no secrets, except when they go to the toilet. What were the pictures you found? Depending on what they are she could have low self esteem, poor boundaries, poor judgment, an affair, or all of the above.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

You're being way too hard on yourself for snooping. Given the warning signs that you were getting (& maybe didn't realize it), you should have snooped earlier.


----------



## Marduk

Depends on what you found. 

Pictures of her in bed with another guy warrants a different response than, say, pictures of bondage gear. 

Some things are things you could maybe explore together and she’s just afraid to tell you, others are indications that your marriage ended a long time ago and she just didn’t actually tell you that. 

So, what was it that you found?


----------



## BluesPower

Yeah, the snooping thing you need to let go... 

You sound like a millennial with your ideas about relationship and privacy. 

In a marriage, most grown ups, believe that the is not expectation of privacy. Others feel different. 

BUT, the sex was off and you had every right to find out why. So she is into something, a fetish, that she never told you about?????

Dude, that is a problem. Odds are that this is not something new so she kind of married under false pretenses. 

So, what are you going to do. If you are freaked out by her fetish, then I think divorce is in the future. 

Is it something you can join in or is it not something like that. 

Something has to change one way or another...


----------



## spoondriver

I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol

I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.

I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.

The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on track. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!

I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Those pics were NOT for herself, dont believe that for one minute.


----------



## spoondriver

That's what I can't get my head around, I get having some kinky fun in your own time but the volume and graphic nature of those pictures was just off.

Anyway my question is "is divorce that bad?"


----------



## jorgegene

spoondriver said:


> I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol
> 
> I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.
> 
> I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.
> 
> The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on track. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!
> 
> I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?


the reason she is fuming with you is because you found them out.

dude: there are so many red flags here, i don't know where to start. your wife is up to nooooo good. Sorry friend and i know what is feels like, i've been there.


----------



## farsidejunky

Who is her boyfriend?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Marduk

(Deleted after reflection)


----------



## Lila

spoondriver said:


> That's what I can't get my head around, I get having some kinky fun in your own time but the volume and graphic nature of those pictures was just off.
> 
> Anyway my question is "is divorce that bad?"


Depends on how you define "bad". Are you okay with being alone? That in and of itself shouldn't stop you from getting a divorce but it is a big negative for a lot of divorcees. 

Do you think your wife is posting those pics on a forum or website? I know Reddit has lots of those types of sites.


----------



## Marduk

spoondriver said:


> I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol
> 
> I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.
> 
> I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.
> 
> The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on track. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!
> 
> I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?


Sexy selfies she’s not sending to you plus a pregnancy test you don’t know about adds up to unprotected sex with at least one other dude, man.


----------



## Marduk

PS the sex with you stopped when the sex with the other guy started. 

So you have a sense of the timing here.


----------



## attheend02

Divorce sucks....

But so does living with someone who doesn't love you.

I chose divorce. I would make the same choice again.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Am I really the only one who takes selfies for myself?

Now I truly wonder.

It definitely warrants further investigation but it is possible she took them for herself. In my case it's to give me an objective look at everything from my hair to my clothing fit.


----------



## aquarius1

lifeistooshort said:


> Am I really the only one who takes selfies for myself?
> 
> Now I truly wonder.
> 
> It definitely warrants further investigation but it is possible she took them for herself. In my case it's to give me an objective look at everything from my hair to my clothing fit.


Yes but he said the selfies were raunchy.


----------



## aquarius1

You’ve got a “runner” on your hands here.

How much you wanna bet those pics are deleted and her phone passcode locked now?

Doesn't matter what its like on the other side, you are on your way there in order to preserve your self respect.

Lawyer up. File.


----------



## michzz

Sure, women can't get their own pregnancy tests. I totally believe that--not.

Target has 'em, online stores have them. and, of course, a "friend" is needed to get 'em.

How long has your wife been off birth control?

Just sayin'.

As for naughty photos. Find a way to check her email sent out or messaging.

And think of where she is meeting some guy who is helping her to risk pregnancy and betraying you.

Wise up.


----------



## Livvie

Geez. The pregnancy test was for her! The pictures were for her other man. I'm usually not one to cry - cheating!!- but this time I will. Seriously... she is having sex with someone else and thought she might be pregnant.


----------



## aquarius1

Livvie said:


> Geez. The pregnancy test was for her! The pictures were for her other man. I'm usually not one to cry - cheating!!- but this time I will. Seriously... she is having sex with someone else and thought she might be pregnant.


Truth. This one is SO obvious its astonishing. WAKE UP MAN!


----------



## spoondriver

Honestly that's all that's gone through my head is that she's been engaging in unfaithful behaviour. The photos I saw are literally etched in my mind to the point I just cannot explain it any other way.

After a (crappy) night's sleep I don't really feel that remorseful about snooping and been thinking about the what if divorce situation. Not being funny what am I going to miss? So long as my kids are ok that's the main thing as they're only young.


----------



## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill


----------



## delupt

I suggest you go into stealth mode as exposing her has just resulted in some very lame explanations ... and DARVO and gaslighting making you out to be the one at fault ... so you'll get nothing more from discussing it. Go dark, keep things civil, dig for more ... you are entitled to some truth.

Can you check email, her phone, messaging apps, recover deleted messages, etc. The phone records is just the start ...

You need peace of mind. Absolutely nothing wrong with your investigation.


----------



## snerg

spoondriver said:


> I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol
> 
> I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.
> 
> I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.
> 
> The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says *they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on trac*k. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!
> 
> I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?


Really?

I have this bridge in Brooklyn that I need to sell. 

Pregnancy test for someone else is like being caught with underwear you sharted in. 
These aren't mine. 
You mean you're carrying someone else's fecal stained underwear with your bare hands?
For what reason would you do that? 


1st step. You contact a lawyer. NOW. Know your rights. Start the divorce process. It can always be stopped later.
2nd step - STD/STI check with your doctor.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

It's FABULOUS on the other side. I looooooooooved living on my own (with my son).

I had the best time of my LIFE after I left my ex. Should have done it years before.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

spoondriver said:


> I know I did the wrong thing snooping, I severely damaged trust and if our marriage makes it out alive I'll be beyond amazed. I don't want any sympathy, I messed up.


Oh boy.

Find your spine, OP. All we seem to get on this board are men who are too damned afraid of their own shadows and allow themselves to be bossed around by rotten women who DON'T RESPECT THEM.

You've already accepted horrific disrespect from her for *far too long* - in every conceivable way - and you just *continue* clinging to her like grim death, like you're going to die without her or something.

Seriously. Find your damned spine and man up and take care of business. I can tell you why she *doesn't respect you* - it's because you're weak and needy and women don't respect weak, needy men. They DON'T. She will NEVER respect you if you don't change.

Personally, I wouldn't re-invest 10 seconds into this lying, cheating witch, nor would I seek out any respect from her. That ship sailed a long time ago and if you're WISE, you'll realize she's beneath you.

You've got a lot of work to do on yourself, OP.


----------



## BluesPower

spoondriver said:


> I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol
> 
> I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.
> 
> I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.
> 
> The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on track. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!
> 
> I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?


Please tell me that you do NOT believe anything that your wife said, DO YOU... 

I mean, dude, nobody is that stupid. 

She is screwing someone or wants to. You need to go into detective mode or hire a PI. 

I mean, come on!!!


----------



## spoondriver

BluesPower said:


> spoondriver said:
> 
> 
> 
> I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol
> 
> I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.
> 
> I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.
> 
> The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on track. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!
> 
> I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell me that you do NOT believe anything that your wife said, DO YOU...
> 
> I mean, dude, nobody is that stupid.
> 
> She is screwing someone or wants to. You need to go into detective mode or hire a PI.
> 
> I mean, come on!!!
Click to expand...

Trust me the alarm has been screaming in my head all day where it can't be drowned out.

I'm confronting it when I get home because it needs sorting out. Life can't continue like this it's too short.


----------



## jorgegene

spoondriver said:


> Honestly that's all that's gone through my head is that she's been engaging in unfaithful behaviour. The photos I saw are literally etched in my mind to the point I just cannot explain it any other way.
> 
> After a (crappy) night's sleep I don't really feel that remorseful about snooping and been thinking about the what if divorce situation. Not being funny what am I going to miss? So long as my kids are ok that's the main thing as they're only young.


you will have a whole new life.

and chances are, if you make thoughtful decisions, don't rush into anything and learn how to avoid problematic relationships before you go dating again, you will
have a better life. maybe much better. and if you decide to stay single forever, you may be very happy too.

don't be afraid of the great wide open.


----------



## BluesPower

spoondriver said:


> Trust me the alarm has been screaming in my head all day where it can't be drowned out.
> 
> I'm confronting it when I get home because it needs sorting out. Life can't continue like this it's too short.


Hold on hotshot... yes you need to confront, but not now. 

You need to figure out what the hell is going on, for sure, unless you just want to file for divorce and move on which is fine. 

Can I ask you a questions, you say that you are 35 and I assume you at least made it through high school... 

So, do you ever stop and thing about your next move or is everything in your life half cocked like you "confronting her tonight"??? 

Think about that!!! Have you looked at the phone bill to see who she is talking to and when it started? Have you have a chance to look at her phone or retrieve any deleted texts? Have you looked at any spending patterns or money that cannot be easily accounted for? 

Have you done ANYTHING except initially buy her stupid story about the pregnancy test, that you are JUST NOW thinking she is checking to see if her BOY FRIEND got her pregnant???? 

Slow down and THINK!!!!!


----------



## Marduk

spoondriver said:


> Trust me the alarm has been screaming in my head all day where it can't be drowned out.
> 
> I'm confronting it when I get home because it needs sorting out. Life can't continue like this it's too short.


Ok. 

Do not tell her what you know or how you know it. 

Do not defend yourself, respond to attacks, or even have a dialogue about it. 

“Wife, I know what’s really going on here. I know more than you realize. I’m going to give you one chance to tell me everything about your sexual activities outside of our marriage.”

And then just stand there and look at her. 

She’ll demand to know what you know. Don’t tell her. 

She’ll insist you’re crazy, that it’s a coincidence, that you’re paranoid, that it’s your fault for invading her privacy. Don’t defend yourself. Stand there and look at her. 

If she won’t tell you, just tell her that you won’t stay in a marriage with a dishonest woman that is cheating on you, and walk away. Tell her not to sleep in your bed. 

Don’t leave the house. Contact a lawyer. Tell a close buddy or family what’s going on so you have someone to talk to. Have a safe place to go if things get hairy. 

She will do everything in her power to put the shoe on the other foot here. You will feel crazy and you will want to believe her. That path leads to ruin. 

If you’re going to confront, you’re going to have to face this hurricane head on. 

Oh, and schedule an STD test, tell her you’re doing so, and ask her what the results of her pregnancy test were. If they were positive, tell her you will be having the child’s paternity tested.


----------



## Marduk

lifeistooshort said:


> Am I really the only one who takes selfies for myself?
> 
> Now I truly wonder.
> 
> It definitely warrants further investigation but it is possible she took them for herself. In my case it's to give me an objective look at everything from my hair to my clothing fit.


I thought the same thing - sexy selfies are awesome, and not bad.

But then when you put them together with him not knowing about them, the sudden decline in sex a year ago, and a pregnancy test for a friend that's "too embarrassed to buy one..." I mean, what are we in high school? "No dad, those condoms aren't mine, I was just holding them for a friend!"

All adds up to another dude. The pregnancy test is what took this way over the line into 'almost certainly cheating' for me. That excuse is clearly something she just came up with on the spot, and was totally stupid.


----------



## Yeswecan

spoondriver said:


> I wish I was a millennial, I'm 35 lol
> 
> I suppose my hang ups on privacy are driven by my wife's expectations, she's fuming with me.
> 
> I'd found a pregnancy test in her handbag, should've just asked as she said she got it for someone at work who was too embarrassed to do it.
> 
> The pictures were some crazy raunchy selfies, proper hot and wish I'd been sent them. Dress up, writing on herself, suggestively open onesies. Now she says they're for her in an attempt to feel sexy and try to get her sex drive back on track. She said she doesn't feel "connected", I just found them insane to be taking pictures like that of yourself for your own pleasure but I'm not judging I've got my own kinks and we all get horny!
> 
> I dunno whether it's all just a mess now and what is there to save?


Did you ask your W who the OM is because this is all crap.


----------



## Yeswecan

Marduk said:


> Sexy selfies she’s not sending to you plus a pregnancy test you don’t know about adds up to unprotected sex with at least one other dude, man.


This is on target.


----------



## Yeswecan

spoondriver said:


> Honestly that's all that's gone through my head is that she's been engaging in unfaithful behaviour. The photos I saw are literally etched in my mind to the point I just cannot explain it any other way.
> 
> After a (crappy) night's sleep I don't really feel that remorseful about snooping and been thinking about the what if divorce situation. Not being funny what am I going to miss? So long as my kids are ok that's the main thing as they're only young.


As others stated, other then going to the bathroom there is no privacy in marriage. NONE. Your W is upset because she has been caught. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg.


----------



## Yeswecan

spoondriver said:


> Trust me the alarm has been screaming in my head all day where it can't be drowned out.
> 
> I'm confronting it when I get home because it needs sorting out. Life can't continue like this it's too short.


Hang on first. Try to keep it quiet and on the back burner so you can do some digging. Currently your WW is deleting things and going into self preservation mode. You need solid evidence because your WW can not deny solid evidence. 

The selfies are not enough. Your WW will keep feeding you the crap story she already fed you.


----------



## bobert

spoondriver said:


> I'm confronting it when I get home because it needs sorting out.


I would highly recommend not confronting on a whim. Chances are nothing will get sorted out. You will be fed a load of crap that you may or may not believe (you shouldn't). If you do confront at least don't tell her what you assume, because at this point that's all you have. Assumptions. 

I confronted on a whim. "I know you're ****ing so-and-so" came out of my mouth after an emotional day. I didn't have any hard proof. My wife's reaction was shock, then silence, then panic, then denying, then more panic, then the lies started. Yes she ****ed him but it was years ago and only a handful of times, she had feelings for him but wouldn't act on them, now he's just a friend, is just being supportive, she couldn't talk to me, etc. and she made up a good little story to dismiss some texts I had between her and that OM. Just lies on lies on lies, but enough that it wasn't totally denying an affair so it was more believable. Why she chose that story who bloody knows, but it was far from accurate. Then she started trickling the truth, that there was another guy but it was just flirting, swore to God it was nothing else. Lies. 

Seriously, don't go home and expect a confrontation to sort things out. Chances are it won't. It's rare that a cheater will give the full story at all, let alone on that first try.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Marduk said:


> I thought the same thing - sexy selfies are awesome, and not bad.
> 
> But then when you put them together with him not knowing about them, the sudden decline in sex a year ago, and a pregnancy test for a friend that's "too embarrassed to buy one..." I mean, what are we in high school? "No dad, those condoms aren't mine, I was just holding them for a friend!"
> 
> All adds up to another dude. The pregnancy test is what took this way over the line into 'almost certainly cheating' for me. That excuse is clearly something she just came up with on the spot, and was totally stupid.


Yeah....that pregnancy test excuse is weak

Getting your friend to get you a pregnancy test is not something adults typically require.


----------



## spoondriver

I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing? 

Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !


----------



## Cooper

spoondriver said:


> I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing?
> 
> Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
> Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !


You are in a state of denile. Any person looking at the facts you presented will tell you your wife is cheating. I was in your situation once, and I wasted an additional ten years of my life. 

To answer your question......life after divorce is wonderful. For me it was like flipping a switch, I went from being miserable and stressed to being calm and happy. The process of divorce was emotionally stressful, but once I started it I couldn't get it done fast enough. 

You are married to someone who is ruining your ability to have a good life, the longer you wait to divorce her the more regrets you will have.


----------



## In Absentia

BTW... I have a little true story regarding privacy... I have a friend who wasn't getting any sex from his wife (nothing at all), so he started filming her secretly (for his "personal use") because he was desperate and wanted her badly. It was like torture to him. He had a beautiful and very attractive wife, but he couldn't see her naked or touch her, nothing... she found out and got incredibly mad with him, saying he violated her privacy. He said he did it because he loved her very much and needed her and he didn't want to break the marriage. Those little videos were keeping him sane. The wife divorced him...

So, everybody is different...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

In Absentia said:


> BTW... I have a little true story regarding privacy... I have a friend who wasn't getting any sex from his wife (nothing at all), so he started filming her secretly (for his "personal use") because he was desperate and wanted her badly. It was like torture to him. He had a beautiful and very attractive wife, but he couldn't see her naked or touch her, nothing... she found out and got incredibly mad with him, saying he violated her privacy. He said he did it because he loved her very much and needed her and he didn't want to break the marriage. Those little videos were keeping him sane. The wife divorced him...
> 
> So, everybody is different...


That is just disturbing. That is beyond a little snooping, this is full blown violation of rights.


----------



## In Absentia

3Xnocharm said:


> That is beyond a little snooping, this is full blown violation of rights.


This is what I argued... but he said "what about my rights to have a sexual relationship with my wife? This is the best I can get and I feel I'm entitled to it... I wasn't harming anybody. It was just for me..." 

:scratchhead:


----------



## 3Xnocharm

In Absentia said:


> This is what I argued... but he said "what about my rights to have a sexual relationship with my wife? This is the best I can get and I feel I'm entitled to it... I wasn't harming anybody. It was just for me..."
> 
> :scratchhead:


Seriously sick.


----------



## In Absentia

3Xnocharm said:


> Seriously sick.


Pretty creepy indeed, IMO... I guess this is what happens to you when you are sexually starved... you lose your marbles... :laugh:


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Ok dude this looks really bad and chances are she has a paramour on the side. You need to be sleuthing....VARs, figuring out what number keeps popping up on her phone especially on her drive home. When the cat is away, the mice play.

Once you have 100% proof, divorce her raunchy ass. Or maybe she isn't a raunchy ass (possible) but then you still have the dead bedroom you need to address. Kick the kids out of your damn bedroom! 

But figure the hell what is going on before you have any sexual contact with her! She could already be carrying some other dudes baby!!! Get you own pregnancy test and have her pee on a stick in front of you if you have to.


----------



## Marduk

spoondriver said:


> I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing?
> 
> Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
> Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !


OK here's my recommendation, starting today, this very minute.

1. Call a lawyer and schedule at least an initial (and probably free) consultation for as soon as possible. You need to know your rights and how to protect yourself if the time comes.
2. Make backups of every piece of suspicious evidence you can get your hands on. Use your phone to take pictures of her pictures, the pregnancy test, and anything else you find weird. Put all the evidence on a flash drive, and store it at work in a locked drawer. 
3. Go buy a journal, or start one with an app like DayOne or something else that has a date and search feature. Write everything down. Everything she says, exactly how she said it, and when she said it. You'll need it in the days and weeks ahead, trust me - she'll lie so much and so often you won't be able to remember what she said or did without writing it down. Again, store this in a very safe place that she can't get her hands on.
4. Go and schedule an STD test for as soon as possible. If you haven't confronted yet, then don't tell her about it yet.
5. STOP HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE. God knows what you're exposing yourself to right now, and the amount of head-****ery you will have happen through sexual manipulation will be almost as dangerous.
6. If you can get physical access to your wife's phone, back it up. You can use various means to data-mine this backup at your leisure.
7. Make copies of all important documents, all bank account/credit card records, and even your passport. You never know.
8. Get heirlooms that are just yours out of the house. My ex trashed a bunch of non-valuable stuff that was extremely emotionally important to me "just because." And stole everything that was valuable that she could. So take them out of the house and lock them away.
9. Once that's done, make your plan to confront. In the meantime, document everything she says or does that seems off. Document her comings and goings. If she's "going out with the girls," say, feel free to give those girl's husband's a call just to "chat." You may find those girls are at home with their husbands, for example. Drop in on her unexpectedly at work. Come home early without telling her. Etc.

Start that today, right now.


----------



## BluesPower

spoondriver said:


> I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing?
> 
> Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
> Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !


I hope I am not misreading this, maybe I am... 

Your wife is most likely cheating, you get that I hope. 

But, no one is saying to "leave it", we are saying do your detective work and find out the truth about what is going on. 

Confronting someone like your wife with out evidence, is like spitting in the wind, I will not work. 

Once you find out that she is cheating, you can divorce her with a clear conscious...


----------



## Yeswecan

spoondriver said:


> I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing?
> 
> Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
> Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !


Well of course you are getting flak for going into her stuff....because you caught her with a pregnancy test and naked selfies NOT shared with you. 

For now, snoop and snoop some more. You are looking for rock solid proof your W is up to no good. It is going to be hard to hold it in and play the happy guy for a few days but it must be done.


----------



## Robert22205

I think finding a pregnancy test in her purse (together with her pulling away from you romantically) is cause to to check her communications. Especially since cell phones, certain apps, and the cloud are (among other things) very effective tools for committing adultery. 

IMO the pictures are for someone else. Who is he and how far has it gone (EA or PA)?

Some thoughts:

1 - Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife failed. It does not matter how you found out (that's history and now irrelevant) - the only issue on the table is whether she is willing and able to rebuild your trust (make you feel safe). 

Under the circumstances and the evidence, your wife should be doing back flips trying to save her marriage (anything less is a red flag that there's someone else: EA or PA). 

2 - So far, your wife's response is typical. Cheaters tend to respond similarly when caught. Their defensive strategy consists of: attacking you for questioning their behavior or spying on/catching them; minimizing their behavior (e.g., selfies for myself or we're just online friends is popular too); and only admitting to what you already know.


----------



## lifeistooshort

In Absentia said:


> This is what I argued... but he said "what about my rights to have a sexual relationship with my wife? This is the best I can get and I feel I'm entitled to it... I wasn't harming anybody. It was just for me..."
> 
> :scratchhead:


That mentality might be a clue as to why he wasn't getting any from her.

That kind of entitlement runs deep.


----------



## Lila

@spoondriver, can you give us a little history on how you met your wife? Did you two have the kids early on in your relationship? Was your sexual relationship with her good at one point?


----------



## spoondriver

Lila said:


> @spoondriver, can you give us a little history on how you met your wife? Did you two have the kids early on in your relationship? Was your sexual relationship with her good at one point?


We met in school, had a few long distance flings in our teens but me being in the north and her down south ultimately it never went far in our early twenties.

We then got our acts together and she moved up here.

Sex life was amazing if I'm being honest, both of us really open minded and really frequently.

We got married and then the kids came along, our eldest is 5.

I've noticed significant decline since our second was born, my wife has a lot of personal issues with her body/size since but it's not something that bothers me at all. She's always been curvy and that's part of my physical attraction to her.


----------



## bobert

spoondriver said:


> I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing?
> 
> Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
> Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !


It is good that you didn't confront your wife, but that does not mean to "just leave it". You do NOT want to rug sweep this. You have a lot of red flags here and you need to look into them. Adding it all up, it is _very_ likely that your wife is having an affair. 

Your wife should NOT be mad about you "snooping". You are married. There are no secrets in marriage. If my wife wants to go through my stuff, have at it! If I want to go through her stuff, no problem. Right now I could ask for her phone and she'd stop whatever she's doing and hand it over. There are no secrets and there is no getting angry about so-called "snooping". 

Your wife is mad because she got caught. If she had nothing to hide, she would hide nothing. Her reaction is a reason to keep snooping, NOT stop. 

So, keep snooping and protect yourself. 

- Get an STD test. You do not need proof of your wife's affair to get the test done. It is for your own wellbeing so don't be stupid, go get it done. 

- See a lawyer. There is no harm in seeing a lawyer and most lawyers will do free consultations. Seeing a lawyer does not mean you have decided to divorce, it means you are looking at your options, being prepared and being smart. You cannot afford to be stupid right now. 

- Keep posting and taking in all the advice that you will get.


----------



## In Absentia

lifeistooshort said:


> That mentality might be a clue as to why he wasn't getting any from her.
> 
> That kind of entitlement runs deep.



I think this happened a long time after she "closed the tap"... he was desperate, apparently. I don't know what the problem was between them. He is a very nice man, totally beta...


----------



## spoondriver

bobert said:


> spoondriver said:
> 
> 
> 
> I took the general advice going not to confront it and just left it. I'm still getting a lot of flack for delving into her personal space but in all honesty my emotions flit between anger, wanting to question it, a little bit of relief as to what would I actually be missing?
> 
> Great advice, thanks.
> 
> It's hard to avoid the confrontation and wanting to ask the question as to what is really going on here. Really hard...
> 
> Will keep my options open as to finding out what's really going on here.
> 
> Will see how the weekend pans out, advice has been good, nice to have had a soundboard to shout against and appreciate all the comments/feedback.
> Some have been a slap in the face and a reality check !
> 
> 
> 
> It is good that you didn't confront your wife, but that does not mean to "just leave it". You do NOT want to rug sweep this. You have a lot of red flags here and you need to look into them. Adding it all up, it is _very_ likely that your wife is having an affair.
> 
> Your wife should NOT be mad about you "snooping". You are married. There are no secrets in marriage. If my wife wants to go through my stuff, have at it! If I want to go through her stuff, no problem. Right now I could ask for her phone and she'd stop whatever she's doing and hand it over. There are no secrets and there is no getting angry about so-called "snooping".
> 
> Your wife is mad because she got caught. If she had nothing to hide, she would hide nothing. Her reaction is a reason to keep snooping, NOT stop.
> 
> So, keep snooping and protect yourself.
> 
> - Get an STD test. You do not need proof of your wife's affair to get the test done. It is for your own wellbeing so don't be stupid, go get it done.
> 
> - See a lawyer. There is no harm in seeing a lawyer and most lawyers will do free consultations. Seeing a lawyer does not mean you have decided to divorce, it means you are looking at your options, being prepared and being smart. You cannot afford to be stupid right now.
> 
> - Keep posting and taking in all the advice that you will get.
Click to expand...


----------



## arbitrator

*First Off, @spoondriver ~ "gut instincts" about infidelity do prove to be right more than they do to be mistaken!

Don't beat yourself up over that! Your marital curiosity is more than justified!

Has she given serious thought to marriage counseling? If not, or if she will not begin to entertain its participation, it may well be a tad too late!

In any event, please make a point to procure and read  No More Mr. Nice Guy  by Dr. Robert Glover.*


----------



## bobert

spoondriver said:


> Great advice, thanks.
> 
> It's hard to avoid the confrontation and wanting to ask the question as to what is really going on here. Really hard...
> 
> Will keep my options open as to finding out what's really going on here.


I know that it's hard not to confront. Heck, I couldn't stop myself when I _really_ should have. Holding off is worth it though @spoondriver. I got "lucky", if you can even call it that, and my spouse eventually gave me the whole story but that's not common. 

Try to find ways to distract yourself when times get tough and holding off on confrontation seems impossible. Even if it is just getting outside and going for a walk. Fresh air can do wonders. When you want to say something, pause, take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that it is better to wait. Pretend there is duct tape across your mouth if need be. 

Whatever you do find, divorce or reconciliation is up to you. You may reach a decision then change your mind, some of us do, that's fine. You do NOT have to decide right now. Personally, I would recommend not jumping to decisions. Take your time. There is no rush but that does *NOT* mean you should sit around doing nothing. 

Or, if you really want to divorce and don't need any more information, that's okay too! If this is enough for you to call it quits, regardless of whether she was cheating or not, that's fine. You don't have to dig deeper if you want out either way. 

If you are not sure or if you feel you need to know regardless, then you have to keep digging. The information won't just fall into your lap.


----------



## spoondriver

Your wife should NOT be mad about you "snooping". You are married. There are no secrets in marriage. If my wife wants to go through my stuff, have at it! If I want to go through her stuff, no problem. Right now I could ask for her phone and she'd stop whatever she's doing and hand it over. There are no secrets and there is no getting angry about so-called "snooping".

This is what troubles me the most, why keep this secret?

We had a small talk at the weekend, didn't confront in the way of accusing her as she was instantly getting wound up about the topic. I'm still very sceptical about the whole thing, I get her libido isn't the same as before our son was born but there's obviously something going on. Told her if those pictures are for you then there's a perfectly good man here who wants you. Wasn't overly keen on the "I'm not physically attracted to you or anyone at the moment"... Wow thanks at least I'm with everyone else so I don't feel left out lol.

Will keep my options open, more great advice from your posts.


----------



## Marduk

spoondriver said:


> Your wife should NOT be mad about you "snooping". You are married. There are no secrets in marriage. If my wife wants to go through my stuff, have at it! If I want to go through her stuff, no problem. Right now I could ask for her phone and she'd stop whatever she's doing and hand it over. There are no secrets and there is no getting angry about so-called "snooping".
> 
> This is what troubles me the most, why keep this secret?


You know why.

Have you done some digging? What have you found?



> We had a small talk at the weekend, didn't confront in the way of accusing her as she was instantly getting wound up about the topic. I'm still very sceptical about the whole thing, I get her libido isn't the same as before our son was born but there's obviously something going on. Told her if those pictures are for you then there's a perfectly good man here who wants you. Wasn't overly keen on the "I'm not physically attracted to you or anyone at the moment"... Wow thanks at least I'm with everyone else so I don't feel left out lol.
> 
> Will keep my options open, more great advice from your posts.


"Wife, what you're saying makes no sense. If you're not physically attracted to anyone, then why are you taking sexy pictures of yourself? You're obviously attracted to someone because those were meant for someone, even if that someone was just yourself. Which makes no sense to me in the context of you having a pregnancy test that we both know wasn't for a friend. So on the one hand I know you're not attracted to me, and on the other hand you say you're not attracted to anyone else. I know the first bit is true, but objectively the second bit has a lot of problems logically given everything else you're up to. So how about you cut the bull**** with me and have an open conversation?"

"wah, wah, you don't trust me, invaded my privacy, don't understand blah blah you big meanie..."

"Ok so either way you're not into me. You have no solution to offer here. Which means our marriage as we currently understand it is over. I have seen enough to firmly believe there's another guy in the picture. So how about we figure out what this is honestly as adults? Or are you just going to keep sitting there claiming everything is fine and there's nothing going on while you take sexy pictures for someone that for sure isn't me, and have pregnancy tests for fictitious friends that is obviously meant for you? What happened, by the way, when you peed on that stick?"


----------



## DTO

Spoondriver,

This is my take... Unless you live where proof of an affair gets you a better divorce settlement, why bother snooping at all.

You are 99% sure what she did; it's been written many times on this thread. Even if not, you're not okay with the terrible sex life and she's not interesting in fixing that. You are the guy who subsidizes her lifestyle while she does whatever (affair or otherwise).

Even if you get the truth from her, you'll not feel any better, because you knew it already. I've BTDT myself so I know.

Just retain a lawyer (now), get your ducks in a row (now), and move on with determination. If she asks why (unlikely) just tell her that you've followed her lead in checking out.


----------



## spoondriver

DTO said:


> Spoondriver,
> 
> This is my take... Unless you live where proof of an affair gets you a better divorce settlement, why bother snooping at all.
> 
> You are 99% sure what she did; it's been written many times on this thread. Even if not, you're not okay with the terrible sex life and she's not interesting in fixing that. You are the guy who subsidizes her lifestyle while she does whatever (affair or otherwise).
> 
> Even if you get the truth from her, you'll not feel any better, because you knew it already. I've BTDT myself so I know.
> 
> Just retain a lawyer (now), get your ducks in a row (now), and move on with determination. If she asks why (unlikely) just tell her that you've followed her lead in checking out.


This is what's been going through my mind quite frequently since posting on here. I actually don't feel bad about the snooping now, glad I did it because the story just doesn't stack up and something is blatantly amiss...

I know what you mean about the truth, it's like I'm hanging on to hear it but what's that going to achieve?


----------



## delupt

SD, have you taken any action beyond gently discussing her highly-questionable behavior with her (so she isn't too offended by you wanting to know WTF is going on)? 

Any more investigation, consult with lawyer, phone/text records, apps on her phone, email accounts, credit card use, anything? 

I mean, do you even know if she is pregnant?


----------



## TomNebraska

spoondriver said:


> That's what I can't get my head around, I get having some kinky fun in your own time but the volume and graphic nature of those pictures was just off.
> 
> Anyway my question is "is divorce that bad?"


I've written about my own problems elsewhere here. 

I was miserable for most of the 5 1/2 years I was married. There were a lot of things I wanted to do that I figured I'd never get to, due to the wife situation.

When I moved out and filed for divorce, I felt _BORN AGAIN_.


----------



## re16

spoondriver said:


> That's what I can't get my head around, I get having some kinky fun in your own time but the volume and graphic nature of those pictures was just off.


You'd be crazy if you believed those pictures didn't go somewhere.

She is clearly being deceptive. Why would it be questionable for her to have a pregnancy test, have you been snipped?

Take an STD test and file.


----------



## spoondriver

re16 said:


> spoondriver said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's what I can't get my head around, I get having some kinky fun in your own time but the volume and graphic nature of those pictures was just off.
> 
> 
> 
> You'd be crazy if you believed those
> pictures didn't go somewhere.
> 
> She is clearly being deceptive. Why would it be questionable for her to have a pregnancy test, have you been snipped?
> 
> Take an STD test and file.
Click to expand...

I literally cannot remember the last time we slept together, probably way back before last summer.

I'm still very much of the opinion that someone else has seen those photos as the content is just too suggestive for them to be for her eyes only. I'm partially leaning towards them having been posted somewhere as there were no **** pics in and around them when I found them. Or she has had some and luckily her WhatsApp photos aren't backed up to her Google Photos cloud where I would have found them.


----------



## Affaircare

@spoondriver , 

I strongly recommend that you begin doing some research. If you are not a tech guru, you don't have to be: 
 Low Tech ways to discover if your spouse is cheating

If you do have a little techie in you, there is a link in my signature about doing research (Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies), and you can also look here:
 High Tech ways to discover if your spouse is cheating

These are just some ideas to get you some more info. You may feel like it's uncool to snoop on your spouse, but in real life, your spouse is ACTING in an untrustworthy manner. Thus, what you are doing is not intruding on her privacy...you are investigating her *SECRECY*. See, privacy in a marriage would be something like closing the door when you pee, or going into the doctor's office alone. SECRECY is when you try to hide the truth from your intimate life partner (like...the truth that she is having an affair). 

*Gaslighting* would be knowing that she's conducting an affair but telling you that it's you being paranoid or you having trust issues. Nope it's not! You trust 100%! You trust that she is not telling the truth because she has acted in a way that is less than truthful!

So don't let her confuse you are throw you off track. Don't get turned around by gaslighting. Stay focused, follow @Marduk 's suggestions, and investigate. Keep an open mind to finding whatever the facts may indicate--stay "neutral." You may investigate by looking at your phone records, bank records, her email and her chats and not find anything...or you might find one number that has 1000 texts in a week, find hundreds or even thousands of dollars spent that you didn't know about, find emails and chats to one person and then you'll have the facts you need to confirm in your own mind what is or is not going on (despite what she may or may not deny). One way or another you will KNOW, and knowing is good.


----------



## Marduk

spoondriver said:


> I literally cannot remember the last time we slept together, probably way back before last summer.
> 
> I'm still very much of the opinion that someone else has seen those photos as the content is just too suggestive for them to be for her eyes only. I'm partially leaning towards them having been posted somewhere as there were no **** pics in and around them when I found them. Or she has had some and luckily her WhatsApp photos aren't backed up to her Google Photos cloud where I would have found them.


C’mon, man, you’re still fooling around with this?

What have you done?

Why are you so passive?


----------



## spoondriver

Marduk said:


> spoondriver said:
> 
> 
> 
> I literally cannot remember the last time we slept together, probably way back before last summer.
> 
> I'm still very much of the opinion that someone else has seen those photos as the content is just too suggestive for them to be for her eyes only. I'm partially leaning towards them having been posted somewhere as there were no **** pics in and around them when I found them. Or she has had some and luckily her WhatsApp photos aren't backed up to her Google Photos cloud where I would have found them.
> 
> 
> 
> C’mon, man, you’re still fooling around with this?
> 
> What have you done?
> 
> Why are you so passive?
Click to expand...

I've been trying to dig into things further but she's gone into lockdown mode. She wanted to stream some fitness videos to the TV and when the only option was to mirror her display that got shot down straight away.... Not suspicious at all hmmmm

I'm not letting it go because I just don't buy it whatsoever.


----------



## Sukisue1234

I will just say that sometimes people rush to judgment about such things. Do yourself and your family favor look in to this and try to maybe see a mc,, you sound like your still invested in your family's being all together, marriage has its ups and downs times like life does when single best part abt being married is sharing the good, and yes the bad, and then the ugly. SOME PEOPLE ARE SO CAUGHT UP IN LOOKING FOR WHATS OVER IN THE OTHER PASTURE THEY ARE ALLWAYS LIVING WITH ONE FOOT OUT THE BARN DOOR,, I PERSONALLY HAD A EX HUSBAND THAT WAS NEVER HAPPY FOR LONG NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE HAD SEX OR HOW GREAT OFA PLACE WERE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, HE CHEATED ,LIED, SCAMMED, EVERYONE INCLUDING HIMSELF..... MY POINT IS , YOU AND ONLY YOU CAN DESIDE IF ITS WORTH YOUR KIDS AND YOUR FAMILY BEING SPLIT UP, WHT MOST HERE DONT TELL YOU IS THE EFFECT S ON THE KIDS , AND HOW THEY WENT THREW THE GRIEF OF THEIR FAMILY'S BREAK UP..ITS NEVER JUST ALL GREAT UNLESS YOUR THE SERIAL CHEATER WHO ONLY THINKS OR CARES ABT YOURSELF,, THINK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY CHANGES AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT YOUR FAMILY.


----------



## spoondriver

Sukisue1234 said:


> I will just say that sometimes people rush to judgment about such things. Do yourself and your family favor look in to this and try to maybe see a mc,, you sound like your still invested in your family's being all together, marriage has its ups and downs times like life does when single best part abt being married is sharing the good, and yes the bad, and then the ugly. SOME PEOPLE ARE SO CAUGHT UP IN LOOKING FOR WHATS OVER IN THE OTHER PASTURE THEY ARE ALLWAYS LIVING WITH ONE FOOT OUT THE BARN DOOR,, I PERSONALLY HAD A EX HUSBAND THAT WAS NEVER HAPPY FOR LONG NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE HAD SEX OR HOW GREAT OFA PLACE WERE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, HE CHEATED ,LIED, SCAMMED, EVERYONE INCLUDING HIMSELF..... MY POINT IS , YOU AND ONLY YOU CAN DESIDE IF ITS WORTH YOUR KIDS AND YOUR FAMILY BEING SPLIT UP, WHT MOST HERE DONT TELL YOU IS THE EFFECT S ON THE KIDS , AND HOW THEY WENT THREW THE GRIEF OF THEIR FAMILY'S BREAK UP..ITS NEVER JUST ALL GREAT UNLESS YOUR THE SERIAL CHEATER WHO ONLY THINKS OR CARES ABT YOURSELF,, THINK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY CHANGES AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT YOUR FAMILY.


That's another part of my thought process, it's all massively conflicting.

Our children are really young and it would be devastating. I know for a fact if we were to split up she'd go running back to her family in London as that's what she would ultimately want.

I'd love for our marriage to get back on track but that's really hard to see at the moment. Especially if this is the worst case scenario of infidelity.


----------



## bobert

spoondriver said:


> That's another part of my thought process, it's all massively conflicting.
> 
> Our children are really young and it would be devastating. I know for a fact if we were to split up she'd go running back to her family in London as that's what she would ultimately want.
> 
> I'd love for our marriage to get back on track but that's really hard to see at the moment. Especially if this is the worst case scenario of infidelity.


Children can handle more than given credit for. Would it be hard on them? Yes, for sure. That being said, it's better for them to have two homes than one home with parents who set bad examples of what a good marriage should look like. They pick up on far more than adults realize. 

You do realize that she can't just get up and move far away, right? You would both get custody of the children and neither of you would be allowed to move without agreeing to that or a judge signing off on it (which they don't do lightly). 

I have nothing against reconciling. My wife had two affairs that lasted years, and had a kid with one of them for God's sake, and we're still together. If you want to stay together, that's your choice and it's a perfectly acceptable choice to make. The problem is, you cannot do that if your wife doesn't want to, won't put in the effort and if you aren't willing to do the hard work to make it happen.


----------



## Her1986

spoondriver said:


> So, my wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. 2 kids, mortgage and a shedload of debt that comes with it all...
> 
> Past year has been pretty crappy, 2 pretty stupid arguements and a significant lack of sex. I genuinely don't remember when we last french kissed...
> 
> The physical side of our relationship has been shocking, I'm mad about my wife, I know she has some physical hangups about her body image but it absolutely doesn't bother me one bit.
> 
> Long story short, I found something in her handbag when popping a little love letter in which sparked some fears. I should have just come out with it but I went and did the stupid thing of looking through her cloud photos and found some pictures of her I was pretty shocked to see and quite hurt to think I have no place in her sex life if that's what she gets up to. We all get off on different things, just sucks that she has no interest in me.
> 
> I know I did the wrong thing snooping, I severely damaged trust and if our marriage makes it out alive I'll be beyond amazed. I don't want any sympathy, I messed up.
> 
> So if this goes belly up is it really that bad? I mean we sleep apart because our kids are awful sleepers and if they get in I sleep through it, my wife doesn't. I always do the washing, I hoover, the dishwasher gets done and the rabbit gets fed.
> 
> Now I'll be gutted because we were sweethearts from our teens but evidently something just isn't right. We don't have sex, we don't cuddle, we don't share the same bed.
> 
> Am I hanging on to something for the kids, the nostalgia? At the end of the day I just want to be loved and happy, and my wife deserves that too if she isn't.
> 
> Advice from anyone welcome, I just get the feeling I'm holding on for something that won't happen.
> 
> And I'll take the flak for snooping from the community, not my proudest moment. Won't be repeated.


So guys he obvopusly omitted all of his lies and talking to his ex...only one side of the story here. Absolutely nothing to hide on my side.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Her1986 said:


> So guys he obvopusly omitted all of his lies and talking to his ex...only one side of the story here. Absolutely nothing to hide on my side.


So you are Mrs Spoon? I’d love to hear your side. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Her1986

There's nothing to tell because minds have already been made up on the original story based very loosely on the truth 
He finally destroyed me with his lies today. 
There's always 2 sides to a story. Now I understand why so many people have mental health problems because of online forums. Thanks all for supporting him when he seemed to need it x


----------



## DTO

Her1986 said:


> There's nothing to tell because minds have already been made up on the original story based very loosely on the truth
> He finally destroyed me with his lies today.
> There's always 2 sides to a story. Now I understand why so many people have mental health problems because of online forums. Thanks all for supporting him when he seemed to need it x


I'm sorry that your H gave only half the story. Clearly we can't give good advice if we don't have the full story. It sucks that you might have been treated unfairly by him as a result.

But please don't think bad of anyone on this group as a result. There are lots of folks here who give a good chunk of their free time to provide advice and even administer these forums and overwhelmingly have good intentions. We don't come here with an axe to grind, so to speak.

Also, the advice given is based on the participants' experiences. And that experience can show that there are not always two sides to these stories. Or - perhaps more accurately - the other side of the story has nothing to do with how the allegedly wronged partner behaved during the marriage.

If you look around, you'll see stories of good men and women whose partners just check out for a variety of reasons. People get disenchanted and find marriage is too much work, have health issues they don't try to resolve, choose a partner for reasons other than love and lack that "spark" to keep them engaged, change religion, go through trying financial times. That's just off the top my head.

Best of luck to you going forward.


----------



## Her1986

Thanks I appreciate that. Unfortunately I found out a lot of stuff over the last 3 days which I didn't expect, some involving his ex which was a lovely surprise.

Think I might be using this forum myself shortly Haha


----------



## Openminded

Exes reappearing (or never really leaving) are more common than most people imagine. Sorry it turned out that way.


----------



## DTO

Her1986 said:


> Thanks I appreciate that. Unfortunately I found out a lot of stuff over the last 3 days which I didn't expect, some involving his ex which was a lovely surprise.
> 
> Think I might be using this forum myself shortly Haha


Even if you don't intend on fixing things, this can be a good place to gain perspective on what you might do differently next, sniff out any red flags you missed, or just to vent and be pissed off.


----------



## Evinrude58

lifeistooshort said:


> Am I really the only one who takes selfies for myself?
> 
> Now I truly wonder.
> 
> It definitely warrants further investigation but it is possible she took them for herself. In my case it's to give me an objective look at everything from my hair to my clothing fit.


That’s not what he found. It was a pregnancy test and sexy pics totally meant to turn on another man. Possible she took then for herself? No, not even remotely possible.
It would be illogical to think so.


----------



## Evinrude58

So Mrs spoon,
You are still claiming the pregnancy test was for someone else and the sexy pictures were only for you? That’s laughable. 

You’re posting stuff that is purposefully vague and leaving out the answers to obvious questions.

he says you and he haven’t had sex for months. You had a pregnancy test in your purse.

He says you have very provocative pictures on your phone of yourself and he claims you’ve never sent them to him and h as be told him you’re not attracted to him.

Are these lies?
Or are these statements true?


----------



## Her1986

Sorry I haven't purposely not answered things. 

The pregnancy test was for my 20 year old work colleague. She lives with her brother and has no privacy. I bought it for her at the weekend and took it into work for her to do the test. I would have bought it if my husband had been with me. I had nothing to hide. She has offered to speak eith my husband about it but he said he believed me. It was in my handbag and he goes in there frequently so would have been a silly place to hide it if I'd been trying.

The photos, yes. I took photos of my own body because I have seriously low self esteem. I wanted to try and feel sexy as I had bought lingerie to wear to try and fix things within my marriage but I felt ridiculous doing things like that. I would never have sent them to anyone because I felt hideous. I have serious body image issues which I wish I didnt have.

Yes those instances look suspect but the photos werent taken anywhere near the same time as the test. Anyway, there's the answer you asked for. I dont have anything to hide from my husband.

He on the other half is the one who has been secretly meeting and messaging his married ex, sending dirty photos and having sexual conversations and telling her personally and private information about myself. 

Anyway, I've been tortured for 3 days by being drip fed informstion about my husband and his ex. When he left our family home on Friday, I was home with our children, in bits, and he was sat in her car cuddling her.


----------



## aine

Her1986 said:


> Sorry I haven't purposely not answered things.
> 
> The pregnancy test was for my 20 year old work colleague. She lives with her brother and has no privacy. I bought it for her at the weekend and took it into work for her to do the test. I would have bought it if my husband had been with me. I had nothing to hide. She has offered to speak eith my husband about it but he said he believed me. It was in my handbag and he goes in there frequently so would have been a silly place to hide it if I'd been trying.
> 
> The photos, yes. I took photos of my own body because I have seriously low self esteem. I wanted to try and feel sexy as I had bought lingerie to wear to try and fix things within my marriage but I felt ridiculous doing things like that. I would never have sent them to anyone because I felt hideous. I have serious body image issues which I wish I didnt have.
> 
> Yes those instances look suspect but the photos werent taken anywhere near the same time as the test. Anyway, there's the answer you asked for. I dont have anything to hide from my husband.
> 
> He on the other half is the one who has been secretly meeting and messaging his married ex, sending dirty photos and having sexual conversations and telling her personally and private information about myself.
> 
> Anyway, I've been tortured for 3 days by being drip fed informstion about my husband and his ex. When he left our family home on Friday, I was home with our children, in bits, and he was sat in her car cuddling her.



Wow so sorry @Her1986 , it seems he is looking to justify his own behaviour which is awful. I hope he comes back on here to explain what he is doing.


----------



## Her1986

He's not in a good place. I'm just trying to support him and see if we can get through it. Its all I can do


----------



## Her1986

And I just found out he left our kids with his mum on my birthday whilst I was in work and went and met her...my life gets better every day!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Ugh the gift that keeps on giving. Are you thinking you want to work on things? Divorce?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Evinrude58

hmmm. The plot thickens.


----------



## Her1986

The kids are my priority so I need to try and forgive for their sake. Was told more information last night. Day 4 of torture. Also had to persuade her husband to stay away from him as much as he deserves a kicking


----------

