# Drained And Full of Tears



## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

*My man has a password on his macbook and his cellphone. He sleeps with his phone underneath him and takes it with him even when he goes to the bathroom in the early morning hours. 

When it rings and we are near each other he is constantly holding it in a manner to where I cant see who it is calling. Its annoying and hurtful. He always says he has nothing to hide but his actions say otherwise.

My belief in him is fading on a daily basis because of his secretiveness.

I dont know if I should flat out ask him for his passwords or just let it be. 

Please help, am I crossing the privacy line or is he being secretive?*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

?ingItAll said:


> *
> I dont know if I should flat out ask him for his passwords or just let it be.
> 
> Please help, am I crossing the privacy line or is he being secretive?*


He is definetly showing secretive behavior. This is eating at you, it is hurting you deeply, and it would any married woman. 

I personally would never be able to "let this be". 

How is your marraige? Communication? Anything happening recently to have his behavior change towards you, kids, anything ? Do you suspect another women, him coming home later at night, etc? 

You can either confront him about this , and how you are feeling, or maybe try to unearth this , without his knowledge somehow. Some would suggest a Key logger, but I guess you can not even get into his computer, what about cell phone bill records, any way to find out who is calling him -who he is calling?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, he is being secretive, but I don't think you should ask for his passwords. The request will cause a great big argument and more of him denying his secrecy and on top of that, it will cause him to accuse you of not trusting him. Avoid the inevitable blow up and resolve that you know he is hiding something and cannot be trusted. Make your decisions based on what you know from his obvious behaviors, not on all the arguments, denials, and accusing you he is going to do. He will simply make every single solitary attempt to turn it all on you, to make you the bad guy, to make you the awful villain for not trusting him. You will end up more confused than ever by allowing him to make you feel extremely guilty for not trusting him. Avoid the roller coaster ride and decide for yourself if you want to be with someone who treats you the way he has been treating you. He obviously thinks he is getting away with it while he lies to you about it all. That is the reason you are wondering what to do. But you already know what to do. Trying to make him prove anything to you will only make you feel better for making the attempt. But it will blow up in your face, and you will be back here asking what to do about the argument.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

This woman never said she was married.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Susan2010 said:


> This woman never said she was married.


Your right, sometimes I assume just cause this is a Marraige board, but maybe she isn't! I agree with Susan totally, he will most likely deny it all and I would do everything possible to uncover his secretive activities -without his knowledge - try to catch him in the act. 

If I had the $$ to spend , I would even consider hiring a PI, if I couldnt get answers myself. I think I would only do that if I was married though, or had kids with the man. If just living together, I might confront, if he played me for stupid, I would dump him, move out and Move on. Honesty is everything in a relationship.


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He is definetly showing secretive behavior. This is eating at you, it is hurting you deeply, and it would any married woman.
> 
> I personally would never be able to "let this be".
> 
> ...


We are not married, but I dont want that to make my request for advice any less valued. We have been together for over 4 years and we have one child and one on the way. However, I am not the type of woman to stay "for the sake of the children", cause I know firsthand what a great disservice it does to them as well as the couple.

As for your questions our communication is horrible. In the event something is wrong, he will ask what is wrong and when I tell him, he only wants to find ways to dismiss it. So hardly anything has been solved.

He has had interactions with other women that I find disrespectful (but he doesnt), and has led me to wonder if there is more than what Im actually aware of. 

I feel like I put up with so much in the beginning of the relationship and stayed for things that other women would have left over that he really doesnt see the problem with the things that he does. 

I have no proof that he has had any sexual encounters but his actions with the phone and laptop leave my mind to wander.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

I am in aggreance with both susan2010 and the other poster... his behaviour is definatly suspicious and secretive and warrents some questions from you. The fact that he takes his phone to the bathroom in is pretty clear that he is scared to leave it even for a few minutes...the fact he sleeps with it under his pillow may not be such a biggie..does he use it for an alam? I know my husband and I both keep ours under our pillows for this reason. 
Is there any way that you are able to check it when he is asleep? I would not normally suggest going thru someone else's things but it is clear his secritive actions are coursing you hurt and worry...

have you voiced your conerns and to why he is so protective to him?if so what did he say?
You talk about interactions with woman that you find disrespectful, what do you mean by this? This alone is concerning that he is not worried about YOUR feelings in his dealings with the oppisite sex, 

I agree that you should look thru his phone records and just keep your eyes open, if you believe in your heart he is cheating maybe keep a diary of his acions, ie when he gets a phone call, what time how he responds when you are in the room, if he is home later than normal or if he says he is going somewhere that maybe he normally does not, at least then you have it in black and white so that you can look back over it with out forgetting anything...just a thought


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

Thank you PinkPrincess, I may do the diary idea.

However, currently I have decided to just carry on in a roomate fashion and be cellibate cause I do not trust him and I do not want to risk catching an STD in the event I am right.

I did flat out ask for the password to his laptop, just to see what he would say. He told me that we could look throught it together when he got back but he wasnt giving me the password to his laptop. This wouldve been suffice but magically last night he decided he wanted to look at pictures on his laptop, so more than likely he has created hidden folders or deleted things he doesnt want to discuss. 
He is one of those men that just happens to have an answer/"copout" for everything.

I do not have the financial means or any help to leave him, so here I am.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If you dont have the financial means to leave him now, is there a way you could plan to have it in the future? I have gone back to school so I can get a better job. Its a long term goal to have more financial stability so i dont feel trapped. I hate feeling trapped.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

?ingItAll said:


> However, currently I have decided to just carry on in a roomate fashion and be cellibate cause I do not trust him and I do not want to risk catching an STD in the event I am right.


Counterproductive, will cause problems, and will destroy your relationship, meaning you will be out on the streets since you have no financial means of getting away from him. You have to do something now. Is there a relative or friend to stay with until you are on your feet?



?ingItAll said:


> I did flat out ask for the password to his laptop, just to see what he would say. He told me that we could look throught it together when he got back but he wasnt giving me the password to his laptop. This wouldve been suffice but magically last night he decided he wanted to look at pictures on his laptop, so more than likely he has created hidden folders or deleted things he doesnt want to discuss.
> He is one of those men that just happens to have an answer/"copout" for everything.


Not so sly dog. Everything about his response and his actions afterward were very telling.



?ingItAll said:


> I do not have the financial means or any help to leave him, so here I am.


Either you are going to leave his cheating arse, or you are going to stay there and play nice. You do not have a shaded gray area of wiggle room because you have placed yourself in this position. You can't make using him for food and shelter an excuse. That is equally wrong in my book. You can get a job today so you can offer a friend or relative rent money each month. You can also get help from the state for food. If you have a child(ren), you can get help for them too.

You have to learn to stand on your own so you won't have to be in position to be used, abused, or mistreated by men.


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

Blanca said:


> If you dont have the financial means to leave him now, is there a way you could plan to have it in the future? I have gone back to school so I can get a better job. Its a long term goal to have more financial stability so i dont feel trapped. I hate feeling trapped.


Yes, that is what is in my head right now is planning to leave in the future.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he legally the children's father? Then you have access to child support.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As for your relationship, what this boils down to is boundaries. You have to have them, and he has to know them. A boundary will look like "I cannot remain with a man who hides secrets from me, including access to his phone and computer if I ask for it." And if he THEN knowingly refuses to allow you access (on the spot, not when he's had time to remove the evidence), then you tell him to move out. Because you will not remain with a man...

See how it works?


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Either you are going to leave his cheating arse, or you are going to stay there and play nice. You do not have a shaded gray area of wiggle room because you have placed yourself in this position. You can't make using him for food and shelter an excuse. That is equally wrong in my book. You can get a job today so you can offer a friend or relative rent money each month. You can also get help from the state for food. If you have a child(ren), you can get help for them too.
> 
> You have to learn to stand on your own so you won't have to be in position to be used, abused, or mistreated by men.


Im not even sure where to begin in responding to this. First off, no I do not have friends or relatives that can currently help me or are even near me. If I did I wouldnt be as exasperated or trapped.
Second, I am seven months pregnant so no, I cannot just get a job today. Our upcoming daughter while a blessing was unexpected, the birth control was a failure. We already have an 11 month old son.

Im sorry that you are only to see things in black or white but everyones situations are not so simple otherwise forums like this would not exist.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You don't have to fuss at me or get offended. I wasn't saying your situation is black or white. I was saying if you decide to control things by withholding from him, you will easily find yourself out on the street. No manner of disrespect is beyond him, as I expect you can see. He likely feels you have no right to withhold from him since he is taking care of you, you have no other means of support, and you have no ground to stand on. He can see this just like you can. Therefore, either leave or stay there and play nice.....for your own sake and that of your children.


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You don't have to fuss at me or get offended. I wasn't saying your situation is black or white. I was saying if you decide to control things by withholding from him, you will easily find yourself out on the street. No manner of disrespect is beyond him, as I expect you can see. He likely feels you have no right to withhold from him since he is taking care of you, you have no other means of support, and you have no ground to stand on. He can see this just like you can. Therefore, either leave or stay there and play nice.....for your own sake and that of your children.



I dont like to fuss in real life, so I definitely wouldnt not 
do it over the internet. Sorry you perceived it in that manner. 

Im am sticking to being cellibate. STDS are real and dangerous, I choose not to risk it.


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> As for your relationship, what this boils down to is boundaries. You have to have them, and he has to know them. A boundary will look like "I cannot remain with a man who hides secrets from me, including access to his phone and computer if I ask for it." And if he THEN knowingly refuses to allow you access (on the spot, not when he's had time to remove the evidence), then you tell him to move out. Because you will not remain with a man...
> 
> See how it works?


If only I had made boundary statements in the beginning.

I know there are women who have there husbands passwords and vice versa but does this generally occur or only in cases of known infedility?

Can you establish boundaries in a relationship thats already years along?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sure! You just go up to him and say "I'm not happy with the way ABC is going in our marriage. It's causing me a lot of pain and I have to do something to make the pain stop, because I don't like being this miserable. So if you want to continue to do ABC, I'm going to have to do XYZ each time you do it, to protect myself. Of course, if you don't want me doing XYZ, you and I can sit down and work out a way we can both get what we want out of this marriage."


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## Agent J. (May 24, 2010)

I do the same thing... I never know who is calling texting or emailing, most of the time I just ignore it until its "safe" to view... He is hiding something.


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sure! You just go up to him and say "I'm not happy with the way ABC is going in our marriage. It's causing me a lot of pain and I have to do something to make the pain stop, because I don't like being this miserable. So if you want to continue to do ABC, I'm going to have to do XYZ each time you do it, to protect myself. Of course, if you don't want me doing XYZ, you and I can sit down and work out a way we can both get what we want out of this marriage."


Thank you. I needed some type of idea of a way to go about this conversation.


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## ?ingItAll (May 23, 2010)

Okay, I just read: iPhone, Laptop and Trust Issues (Affaircare - you out there?) and wife denies...i dont buy. There was so much useful information posted there. While it saddens me that so many others are going through similar situations, its helpful to know that there are suggestions and ideas that may work and questions that I ultimately have to ask myself.

Two of the biggest issues I have been wrestling with is: a)not feeling like Ive been told everything about past issues i.e. thinking he may have only admitted to "this much" to avoid an arguement. b)Will I feel "better" knowing everything, will it make a difference?

He vehemently denies ever cheating (which for him cheating is the actual act of sex) and says that no matter how much he tells me the truth I believe its a lie. 

Which makes me think he may create a "Yes, I cheated story" just to "shut me up." Will I know for sure if he is telling the truth in my heart?

We are supposed to have a full disclosure conversation tonight, however if it doesnt transpire tonight I will have to do it tommorow so that he cannot use being tired as an excuse to rush or end the conversation.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

?ingItAll said:


> Will I know for sure if he is telling the truth in my heart?
> 
> We are supposed to have a full disclosure conversation tonight, however if it doesnt transpire tonight I will have to do it tommorow so that he cannot use being tired as an excuse to rush or end the conversation.


I had so many conversations with my h to try and get the truth out of him. i dont have those conversations anymore. If he keeps making excuses to get out of them, why force him? if you have to force him just to show up there's no way he's being honest with you. 

My H is a liar. I didnt notice in the beginning but he's the worst manipulator/liar ive ever met. I dont ask him serious questions anymore because he's not capable of answering. only took me a million conversations to figure that out. 

What i trust now is how i feel. it is the only thing i can completely trust. If i dont feel good about the relationship, i back off. its that simple. I can understand your situation is different since you dont know if he's sleeping around and you have kids. but the bottom line is he's not trustworthy and you know it. as hard as it is you have to wait for him to come to you. that is the only way you will know he's telling the truth. and i dont mean wait for him to tell you all the little secrets he's been hiding. he may never tell you that. but if he's trustworthy he will talk to you about what he needs in the relationship. this weekend was the first weekend in the five years i have known my husband that he came to me with a problem he had with the relationship. that's the only way you know they are starting to be worthy of your trust. 

and as far as boundaries, there's a great book called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. my H and i did it together. my H really opened up emotionally and it was a constructive way for us to get out our resentments.


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