# Home Alone Again



## Man Lost (Jun 2, 2018)

Where do I begin, just soooo much to say, I’m sure everyone has said this but I’m kinda new to the forum community, and just need to talk. My wife and I are dealing with the loss of our son, who passed Feb of last year. He was 23. This past January it started to get bad for her and she definitely has changed wich is to be expected, it is true people change. For the past year she has had to be strong for her parents and just about everyone else, but it finally caught up to her. Then the comments started of “I’m in a bad place, and can’t stand the pain anymore” Talks of planning to end it. I feel helpless cuz I want to take that pain away, I have told her if I was given the chance to trade places with him just for to have one more day with him, saying “ I love you mom” and hugging her I would in a heartbeat. I encouraged her to get out of the house and do whatever she needs to help herself. Then the talks of being frustrated with marriage and me. What could have I done? I think she had a hard time clarifying what she meant when she told me about the frustration and anger. I have always been an understanding person and looking at both sides. My goal since I’ve been with this woman is to make life as easy as possible and to be her rock. She has said she is tired of faking it, with people and putting on a fake smile. But I don’t think she realizes that I’ve been doing just that since we lost our boy, in one of the worst ways possible, I was the one that had to move everything out of his house he just bought, and seen things that know human should see, she will never know this, because I need to protect her, keep her safe from the horrors. Because that is my job not only as a man, but a husband who would do anything for the woman he loves. 
It has become worse over the past 2 months. She needs her space, so I give it to her. I’ll admit I haven’t been the easiest to be around, but my attitude is a reflection of the things she has done and words she has spoken, so of course I’m going to have doubts. Not intentionally, but I’m only human and just dealing with the information I’m being handed by her. She doesn’t blame me for feeling the way I do and assures me that she is just learning to deal with the loss. I get it, I really do!! But why does this have to be happening?, with what we’re both dealing with. I’m trying to stay strong for her sake like always, but why this? Some people say “ It’s a test of faith.” What the hell that has been played out so many times for people, it’s old!! I’m tired of being tested!! I’m tired of proving myself!! Hasn’t it been enough, spending 2 months in the hospital at the age of 24, then learning how to walk again, because a doctor didn’t do his job!!? Losing my children cuz there mom took them across country and poisoned their minds about me, just cuz I didn’t share the same beliefs as her as far as religion went. I thank the lord that I have my health and able to walk again. No more health problems, then I meet this woman that made me feel like a man and believe I can do anything. We are perfect together, and want to spend the rest of my days making her happy. Then hear comes the hardest test ever, and I have to be tested on top of that with doubts of a future with her?? 
It hurts me to see her this way, I can actually see the pain in her eyes, and have to look away cuz I tear up. She is crawling in her own skin, and there is nothing I can do, but be supportive. She said she needs to be alone, so I give her space. We have had a couple heated arguments, and I even suggested staying away for a minute, just so she can focus on herself, and we did that for about a week, but I was with her everyday cuz she wanted me there. She said it was to hard on her cuz she was always worried about me and felt bad that I was alone so she wanted me back home. I came home and during the day we are together, but her dad is in bad health and she goes there at night to help her mom, wich I’m totally ok with. Be with your dad and mom, spend as much time with him as possible, but don’t be distant from me when we are together or look for any chance to leave. That doesn’t help my doubts, that makes me feel like why did I come back? So I sit hear alone and it’s almost 1am and you’re still not hear in my arms


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Grief counseling for both of you to process these emotions. Also, a grief support group. My job offered free grief counseling when my husband died suddenly. 

Trying to handle this on your own is too much. Again, counseling.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so very sorry for your loss @Man Lost . There is no crueller loss in the world.

A dear friend of mine lost her adult daughter to Cancer last December, and watching her navigate this horrific journey is absolutely heartbreaking. To say we feel helpless is an understatement.

I can't imagine the heartbreak you're feeling as you too try to grieve this horrendous loss, and try to support your wife at the same time. Who is there for you? Who is supporting you?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Man Lost said:


> Where do I begin, just soooo much to say, I’m sure everyone has said this but I’m kinda new to the forum community, and just need to talk. My wife and I are dealing with the loss of our son, who passed Feb of last year. He was 23. This past January it started to get bad for her and she definitely has changed wich is to be expected, it is true people change. For the past year she has had to be strong for her parents and just about everyone else, but it finally caught up to her. Then the comments started of “I’m in a bad place, and can’t stand the pain anymore” Talks of planning to end it. I feel helpless cuz I want to take that pain away, I have told her if I was given the chance to trade places with him just for to have one more day with him, saying “ I love you mom” and hugging her I would in a heartbeat. I encouraged her to get out of the house and do whatever she needs to help herself. Then the talks of being frustrated with marriage and me. What could have I done? I think she had a hard time clarifying what she meant when she told me about the frustration and anger. I have always been an understanding person and looking at both sides. My goal since I’ve been with this woman is to make life as easy as possible and to be her rock. She has said she is tired of faking it, with people and putting on a fake smile. But I don’t think she realizes that I’ve been doing just that since we lost our boy, in one of the worst ways possible, I was the one that had to move everything out of his house he just bought, and seen things that know human should see, she will never know this, because I need to protect her, keep her safe from the horrors. Because that is my job not only as a man, but a husband who would do anything for the woman he loves.
> It has become worse over the past 2 months. She needs her space, so I give it to her. I’ll admit I haven’t been the easiest to be around, but my attitude is a reflection of the things she has done and words she has spoken, so of course I’m going to have doubts. Not intentionally, but I’m only human and just dealing with the information I’m being handed by her. She doesn’t blame me for feeling the way I do and assures me that she is just learning to deal with the loss. I get it, I really do!! But why does this have to be happening?, with what we’re both dealing with. I’m trying to stay strong for her sake like always, but why this? Some people say “ It’s a test of faith.” What the hell that has been played out so many times for people, it’s old!! I’m tired of being tested!! I’m tired of proving myself!! Hasn’t it been enough, spending 2 months in the hospital at the age of 24, then learning how to walk again, because a doctor didn’t do his job!!? Losing my children cuz there mom took them across country and poisoned their minds about me, just cuz I didn’t share the same beliefs as her as far as religion went. I thank the lord that I have my health and able to walk again. No more health problems, then I meet this woman that made me feel like a man and believe I can do anything. We are perfect together, and want to spend the rest of my days making her happy. Then hear comes the hardest test ever, and I have to be tested on top of that with doubts of a future with her??
> It hurts me to see her this way, I can actually see the pain in her eyes, and have to look away cuz I tear up. She is crawling in her own skin, and there is nothing I can do, but be supportive. She said she needs to be alone, so I give her space. We have had a couple heated arguments, and I even suggested staying away for a minute, just so she can focus on herself, and we did that for about a week, but I was with her everyday cuz she wanted me there. She said it was to hard on her cuz she was always worried about me and felt bad that I was alone so she wanted me back home. I came home and during the day we are together, but her dad is in bad health and she goes there at night to help her mom, wich I’m totally ok with. Be with your dad and mom, spend as much time with him as possible, but don’t be distant from me when we are together or look for any chance to leave. That doesn’t help my doubts, that makes me feel like why did I come back? So I sit hear alone and it’s almost 1am and you’re still not hear in my arms


*My sincere condolences, @Man Lost ~ the two of you will remain in my prayers! God bless you! *


----------



## Man Lost (Jun 2, 2018)

We have been going to grief counseling for a minute and it is helping, and I have been trying to reach out to others with no luck. We live in a town where everyone knows everybody. I do have family, but I need a neutral party to talk to, someone who doesn’t judge or take sides. That is why I’m trying the forums, something has to give


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I am so sorry for your lost. I can't begin to imagine your pain and suffering.

My uncle lost his only son a few years back and it destroyed him. He shut everyone out for a number of years because he said he hated the looks in our eyes when we looked at him.

From what I understand most marriages dont survive the lost of a child. Because one spouse would turn away from the other to grief and usually become consumed with the lost.

Maybe the two of you could spend more time out doors together....walking, hiking. 

I hope you both find some peace and happiness again. Be her rock and while you are being strong for her, you go get some grief counseling for yourself. So you have someone to unburden yourself to. 

And we are here if you need to talk about your son and what he was like.


----------



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My sincerest condolences.

There was a social media post I saw once about the loss of a child. You may have seen it also and I'm probably not the only who has seen it overall, but if I recall, it went something like this:

"A person who has lost their partner/spouse would be called a widow. Children who have lost their parents are called orphans. 

But parents who have lost their children have no name, because it's too cruel, painful, and unspeakable for words." 

All prayers with you and your wife.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Man Lost said:


> We have been going to grief counseling for a minute and it is helping, and I have been trying to reach out to others with no luck. We live in a town where everyone knows everybody. I do have family, but I need a neutral party to talk to, someone who doesn’t judge or take sides. That is why I’m trying the forums, something has to give


You absolutely do, and you don't have to do this alone. We'll walk with you x


----------



## Man Lost (Jun 2, 2018)

I have seen that quote, it was in our first meeting, and it’s so true there is no word for losing a child. No one can come up with one, cuz they can’t describe it.
My Andrew was the best, his smile and personality could make anyone happy, even in the worst of times. That’s one of the reasons it sucks so bad, because I keep expecting him to come through the door and cheer us up. He was always willing to help anyone, especially when they were hurting. He was the kid that would buy my mom something to cheer her up. When he was younger he would ride his bike across town to make sure his sister didn’t have to walk home alone after school. He was also very smart, maybe to smart sometimes. He could look at a problem and just figure it out. I always wished he would have used that ability to make a better life for himself. But he used it mostly to get into trouble, he lived in the moment a lot. When it came to girls he was definitely a ladies man!! But at the same time he just wanted to please anybody, and towards the end one girl in particular was just too much for him. She treated him bad and that just made him want to please her more and fix things for her more and more. He couldn’t and she took advantage of his kindness and his big heart. Don’t get me wrong he was the one that made the desicions that led up to the end, but she played a big part in it. I feel bad for her cuz she has to live with that feeling of responsibility for the rest of her life. I have told her it’s not her fault, cuz no one should feel that way, he is the one who decided to do what he did. Deep down I know she still feels guilty. Plus the drugs that have taken a lot of people in the past few years, played a huge part. If he were sober he wouldn’t have done what he did. 
That responsibility is on the “friend” who says Andrew was like a brother to him. The one person who could see him in pain, but could have stopped selling him the junk!!! He could have called someone when he seen Andrew acting different and hurting, he could have talked to him. Instead after I had to watch his mother collapse in pure pain earlier that day, then have to watch my son get rolled into a coroner’s van that night alone in the rain, then I had to go to his house that he just bought, that’s 2 blocks from mine, because he had to be close to us, too lock up and barricade doors to keep vultures out. There that “friend” stood in the very spot that my boy took his final breath, seen the world for the last time! There he was crying about how the cops took his phone, the one he just bought that day, I looked at him in his soulless eyes, fighting every urge to lay into him, because my wife and daughter don’t need that added stress now, I told him “ Are you fkn serious??!! I
just lost my son, and your crying about a phone that can be replaced!! He left. I see all the time, and I still fight the urge for wife and daughter. He had actually came into my wife’s work to talk to her, and she just walks away, but he thinks it’s funny so he actually makes it a point to say hi when he comes in. Like he didn’t have a part in Andrew’s death!!’ It got so bad she had to leave that job. She confided in me the other day, it became real and hit her when that “friend” came into work. So my wife is slowly withering away, losing herself, going into the darkest places, because this guy is walking around selling the same poison that led to my boys death?!! Like he did nothing wrong? My life is falling apart, and he has no clue, or care!! This lowlife is controlling my world and I want it to stop!!! Just haven’t figured it out.
I know I have a lot of rage and I’m working on it but it’s hard


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

It's no consolation for the loss of your son, but hopefully, the cops will do their job with the "friend's" phone and put a stop to his dealing via incarceration. Maybe make a plea to any of his other friends who know what the dealer was doing, to offer that info to the police.
I'm sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@ManLost, I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. My heart breaks for you and your wife. 

Your son sounds like he was a wonderful person. It is so freaking unfair. His best friend is also on the wrong path, obviously, and it is very possible that his parents may be in your shoes one day soon. People can be like monsters when they are active in their addiction. Your son's "friend" is in that monstrous place. 

Before my husband and I started dating, I had been engaged to a guy who I loved deeply, who got hooked on heroin. When sober, he was such a great person, with a huge heart. I loved his family, too- they are wonderful people. Sadly, he also died, and his dad had to go to the morgue to identify him. I cannot image what that was like for you. The heartbreak is immense, incalculable. Addiction is evil and none of it makes any sense, when they call it a form of insanity they are right! Before I left the relationship, I remember crying and telling him I wish he could see himself through my eyes, the amazing and wonderful person I knew him to be, who his friends and family knew him to be, so he could finally break free. He never was able to break free and it is tragic. I am so sorry that your son could also not find his way to freedom from his addiction in this life. 

I think it is admirable of you to take the strong position and to be the rock for your wife. She truly is in a dark place. Is she willing to go on antidepressants, or is she already on them? It sounds like she needs more help. In some cases, the second year is even harder than the first; we all know that the first year is going to be hard. By the second year, people (and ourselves, often) expect us to be moving past it. It feels as if the grief will never subside. It will. 

My ex's parents have stayed together. They were heavily involved in Naranon when my ex was alive, and I believe they went on to do some advocacy work for addiction groups in their area after he died. They set up fund through their religious organization which helps pay for treatment, I think. Is there something meaningful the two of you can do together to honor your son's memory? Something that you can do together? Is she able to do something like this, or is her grief still too immense?


----------



## Man Lost (Jun 2, 2018)

I’m tired of the statistics of marriages ending after the loss of a child, the percentages don’t matter to me. What does is my wife and daughter. They are the only bright light in this darkness that has took over my life. She and I are taking the steps to get help, counseling, meds and getting the tools to get through this, and it’s awful we will be dealing with this until we can be reunited with our son. We are fighters, she had been since she was a teen mom when it was unheard of, dealing with the looks, the comments, graduating with honors at 15, working multiple jobs to support her son, without help from anyone, the government, hell even her own mother told her she just ruined her life!! No support from anywhere and she survived!! I have been fighting since I was born, died multiple times after I was born, had heart surgery when I was 6 months old, dealt with numerous health tests till I was an adult, had a spinal abcess explode in my lower spine at 24, spent a few months in the hospital, had to learn to walk again. We are strong and even stronger together!! She still makes my heart skip a beat, just like when I first seen her. Still makes me believe in myself and that I can conquer anything!! So for all the statistics, and percentages in the world, I’m sorry that happens for parents, but it won’t happen to these parents!! We will find a way, just like we have since we were brought into this world.


----------

