# Ongoing Happy hour issue



## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

So this has been an ongoing issue. Wife and her happy hours with co workers. Today she went into the office. Before she left I asked if she had hh plans after work. She got super defensive about it. That there were no plans and if they come up it’s need to her. I asked because anytime she goes in on Thursday they always have hh. Hence why I asked. Turns out went out to lunch a little before noon. Got back to office at 3. Said was out with boss and co worker. Boss is a drinking buddy for her. Was in office supposedly less than an hour and back at at bar around the corner from work. Her friend comes into town tomorrow to stay with us. I’ve cleaned some but I feel if your friend is staying here you should be here straightening up. Not my problem. I’m sure she will stay out late tonight bc they will get munchies and need food since drinking at noon. Supposedly stopping for close to an hour then back at it. My problem is when she calls to say they want food. If I say no she’ll freak out. I feel this is a bad road of drinking too much for long periods. I’m sort of venting here. I can’t deal with this. I feel it’s time to grow up. Both in mid 40s.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Drinking like that with male co-workers seems like it it is crossing a line... I am sure she wouldn't want you there. Might be time to show up next time. How do you know where she goes and what she does? Is she telling you or are you tracking location on her phone?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You were here two months ago telling us about how your wife likes to party with numerous guys, especially around the pool. You’re not invited to these shindigs.
She hasn’t changed so what are you going to do about the party girl you unfortunately married?
You said she divorced her first husband because he accused her of cheating and he had a drink problem. I think being married to your wife would give any man cause to drink.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

And you're putting up with this continued disrespect why?


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Yes. That’s correct. Part of me feels that this is a second marriage for us both and I don’t want another failed marriage. My kids really like her. She really good to them. Her parents too. So maybe I’m holding out for hope. We have these incredible highs where things are going great then instances where it’s **** and crazy things going on that don’t make sense for a relationship. This one is complicated as ****. If this one ends in divorce I’m never getting married again. I guess this one is why I’ve noticed the m drinking more. Not happy about that either. I need to change that.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

I don’t know. It’s a second marriage for us both. I don’t want another failed one. My kids really like her. She is good to them. Very generous. The oldest went off to college and she randomly sends her money/ gift cards/ letters. I guess I’m holding out for change.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

In my opinion here this issue is more about lack of maturity and having the ability to prioritize. No, I don’t think happy hour is bad. I love a good happy hour. But to make you solo prep the home for guests while she goes out to her weekly happy hour is pretty rude.

Maybe try having a talk and disarming her by saying happy hour isn’t an issue for you so long as it isn’t taken to the extreme? Perhaps boundaries would help?

Seems like she has a lot of work to do. This story makes her sound like she really lacks situational awareness.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

right, I’m not going to prep for this. I am refusing that. I guess a maturity thing comes into play. Like today was spent with 3 hours supposedly with her boss an coworker from 12-3. Then supposedly back to work at 3 then I was messaged they were at a bar by work just before 4. I questioned if she even went back to work and was called the work police. It was a legitimate question. I’ve noticed she gets very defensive or lashes out when in the wrong. 


moulinyx said:


> In my opinion here this issue is more about lack of maturity and having the ability to prioritize. No, I don’t think happy hour is bad. I love a good happy hour. But to make you solo prep the home for guests while she goes out to her weekly happy hour is pretty rude.
> 
> Maybe try having a talk and disarming her by saying happy hour isn’t an issue for you so long as it isn’t taken to the extreme? Perhaps boundaries would help?
> 
> Seems like she has a lot of work to do. This story makes her sound like she really lacks situational awareness.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

AndrewELT800 said:


> right, I’m not going to prep for this. I am refusing that. I guess a maturity thing comes into play. Like today was spent with 3 hours supposedly with her boss an coworker from 12-3. Then supposedly back to work at 3 then I was messaged they were at a bar by work just before 4. I questioned if she even went back to work and was called the work police. It was a legitimate question. I’ve noticed she gets very defensive or lashes out when in the wrong.


Is she getting defensive because she thinks you will be mad or try to control it? My husband and I used to have a similar issue and it boiled down to a communication issue.

If he had plans with guy friends I would generally ask when he would be home. To me it was a simple question without any hidden meaning. To him (which he admits it was irrational), he thought I was asking to try to control the night. I was coming from a place of genuine interest and trying to plan my own night based on what he was planning. Long story short, your wife is probably holding in weird fear or anxiety regarding your reaction. Even if you haven’t done anything to prompt it.

Try talking about it again and preface it with “I don’t care about happy hour - I just want to make sure we are on the same page and that our priorities are handled.”

If she is lying then that is a whole separate issue that needs to be addressed.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like she's got an easy job is all I can say. I've worked places where happy hour happened regularly and long lunches and when you had to worry (as the employee) is when you weren't included. That said, I think occasionally, unless it's been stated by the boss that business will be discussed over dinner/drinks, that the SO or spouse should be just invited once in awhile. Like maybe have them meet you there and say, Yeah, John's coming to meet me and then he and I are going out to eat, or something like that. I don't think it's appropriate for them to be there all the time, but certainly occasionally should be okay. 

I do not think anything that could be construed as checking up on her while she's at any company thing is alright, because it undermines her and makes people talk about her stalkery husband or whatever and that reflects on her. So one text or call, but not a series of them, just in my opinion. Get it settled at home, not while she's with workmates.

There is no rule that says you have to get soused each time you go with the office to happy hour, so yes, that is a concern. You can always order a soda or have one drink and sip on it. That's usually what I did. And there's nothing wrong with her telling them no thanks to happy hour occasionally. But for some offices, it is considered part of the job, the schmoozing. The only place I set my foot down with my regional manager one time is when he wanted to take the group to a strip club. I pissed him and others off telling them I wasn't going to go do that. I know I did it in a nice way, like a comment about letting the men enjoy themselves or something like that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

AndrewELT800 said:


> Yes. That’s correct. Part of me feels that this is a second marriage for us both and I don’t want another failed marriage. My kids really like her. She really good to them. Her parents too. So maybe I’m holding out for hope. We have these incredible highs where things are going great then instances where it’s *** and crazy things going on that don’t make sense for a relationship. This one is complicated as ***. If this one ends in divorce I’m never getting married again. I guess this one is why I’ve noticed the m drinking more. Not happy about that either. I need to change that.


So what you are telling us is that you would rather suffer through her behavior and alcohol, then 

have self respect for yourself.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

I have tried the I don’t care about HH I just want to plan my night. She gets really defensive at times and I think the times she is overly defensive is when she is planning on going to lunch and skipping out the day. She has co workers who will go to lunch then not go back. Crazy!!!! I would never do this. I got after her about how this is horrible behavior and I don’t condone it. I can see why she would hide it. The thing gat bugged me today was after being at “lunch” from 12-3. She texted at 4 saying she was at a bar with her boss and co worker. Same people she was with at lunch. Getting home she jumped all over me saying she knows I’m pissed bc she is buzzed from being out. Well yeah. I’m pissed. You are risking other people’s lives on the road. And don’t attack me when getting home. WTF. 


moulinyx said:


> Is she getting defensive because she thinks you will be mad or try to control it? My husband and I used to have a similar issue and it boiled down to a communication issue.
> 
> If he had plans with guy friends I would generally ask when he would be home. To me it was a simple question without any hidden meaning. To him (which he admits it was irrational), he thought I was asking to try to control the night. I was coming from a place of genuine interest and trying to plan my own night based on what he was planning. Long story short, your wife is probably holding in weird fear or anxiety regarding your reaction. Even if you haven’t done anything to prompt it.
> 
> ...


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

it’s hard to say. I mean I care. She does care about my kids. I’m trying to salvage something and not tank another marriage. 


Lostinthought61 said:


> So what you are telling us is that you would rather suffer through her behavior and alcohol, then
> 
> have self respect for yourself.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

so there is no control switch with her. If she catches wind of a HH it’s happening. Most of the time she is suggesting it. Once she has one drink that’s it. Judging the by the bank statements today I would say 7-8 drinks from 12-6:30 today. I have repeatedly been after her about drinking and driving. I’ve seen too many fatal accidents first hand that I know the dangers (Previous line of work). I was upset when she got back tonight and the first thing she said was, “I know you’re all pissed off because I was out and I’m all buzzed up.” Ummm yes I’m pissed. Especially with that attitude. Plus where is the decency within a marriage. 


DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds like she's got an easy job is all I can say. I've worked places where happy hour happened regularly and long lunches and when you had to worry (as the employee) is when you weren't included. That said, I think occasionally, unless it's been stated by the boss that business will be discussed over dinner/drinks, that the SO or spouse should be just invited once in awhile. Like maybe have them meet you there and say, Yeah, John's coming to meet me and then he and I are going out to eat, or something like that. I don't think it's appropriate for them to be there all the time, but certainly occasionally should be okay.
> 
> I do not think anything that could be construed as checking up on her while she's at any company thing is alright, because it undermines her and makes people talk about her stalkery husband or whatever and that reflects on her. So one text or call, but not a series of them, just in my opinion. Get it settled at home, not while she's with workmates.
> 
> There is no rule that says you have to get soused each time you go with the office to happy hour, so yes, that is a concern. You can always order a soda or have one drink and sip on it. That's usually what I did. And there's nothing wrong with her telling them no thanks to happy hour occasionally. But for some offices, it is considered part of the job, the schmoozing. The only place I set my foot down with my regional manager one time is when he wanted to take the group to a strip club. I pissed him and others off telling them I wasn't going to go do that. I know I did it in a nice way, like a comment about letting the men enjoy themselves or something like that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AndrewELT800 said:


> so there is no control switch with her. If she catches wind of a HH it’s happening. Most of the time she is suggesting it. Once she has one drink that’s it. Judging the by the bank statements today I would say 7-8 drinks from 12-6:30 today. I have repeatedly been after her about drinking and driving. I’ve seen too many fatal accidents first hand that I know the dangers (Previous line of work). I was upset when she got back tonight and the first thing she said was, “I know you’re all pissed off because I was out and I’m all buzzed up.” Ummm yes I’m pissed. Especially with that attitude. Plus where is the decency within a marriage.


So it's not even her boss buying the drinks. If it was a business happy hour or a business lunch, she would not be buying her own drinks. 

So it sounds like it's strictly social and informal and that there's no reason you can't go with her and see if that slows her down a little at least part of the time. 

People have to quit drinking on their own. AA will be the first to tell you that you can't just tell someone to stop and expect them to do it. You could start going to the meetings AA has for people involved with alcoholics and see if it helped you any. 

I suppose you could always call the police on her yourself. But that would obviously cause a bunch of problems. Are there children involved? Maybe I missed it. 

Does she ever drive drunk with them? Does she drink at home too? Do you drink at home? Do you and she ever go out and have a drink with dinner or whatever? 

I wouldn't make this into more than what it is because what it is sounds like some alcoholism and that's bad enough. That's all I would address about it but you're really powerless to do anything about it except stay or go and protect the children.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

AndrewELT800 said:


> I have tried the I don’t care about HH I just want to plan my night. She gets really defensive at times and I think the times she is overly defensive is when she is planning on going to lunch and skipping out the day. She has co workers who will go to lunch then not go back. Crazy!!!! I would never do this. I got after her about how this is horrible behavior and I don’t condone it. I can see why she would hide it. The thing gat bugged me today was after being at “lunch” from 12-3. She texted at 4 saying she was at a bar with her boss and co worker. Same people she was with at lunch. Getting home she jumped all over me saying she knows I’m pissed bc she is buzzed from being out. Well yeah. I’m pissed. You are risking other people’s lives on the road. And don’t attack me when getting home. WTF.


Yup. This is a maturity issue hands down. She wants to be able to do whatever she wants without worrying about natural consequences or giving minimal respect.

You have much bigger issues at play here. Sorry OP! You are in a pickle and she probably won’t get it until you freak out.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

so my oldest daughter is in college. I’m divorced. My youngest drives and is busy with school and sports. I’ve thought about the AA route. We live in a very walkable community. If we go out we can walk to meet people. I love taking Uber. I don’t mind paying more for the piece of mind that I’m not on the road. There is certainly an issue of drinking too much when she is with her co workers. She can dial it back if we go out or meet up with friends. When she’s with co workers it’s a different story. There doesn’t seem to be the off switch. I met up with her after she was out with co workers and she was putting her head down on the table. That freaked me out. There really isn’t a chance I can go. Usually they go out about 2. I’m working until 5/6. By then i have things to do for the evening. 

QUOTE="DownByTheRiver, post: 20390619, member: 345083"]
So it's not even her boss buying the drinks. If it was a business happy hour or a business lunch, she would not be buying her own drinks.

So it sounds like it's strictly social and informal and that there's no reason you can't go with her and see if that slows her down a little at least part of the time.

People have to quit drinking on their own. AA will be the first to tell you that you can't just tell someone to stop and expect them to do it. You could start going to the meetings AA has for people involved with alcoholics and see if it helped you any.

I suppose you could always call the police on her yourself. But that would obviously cause a bunch of problems. Are there children involved? Maybe I missed it.

Does she ever drive drunk with them? Does she drink at home too? Do you drink at home? Do you and she ever go out and have a drink with dinner or whatever?

I wouldn't make this into more than what it is because what it is sounds like some alcoholism and that's bad enough. That's all I would address about it but you're really powerless to do anything about it except stay or go and protect the children.
[/QUOTE]


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

yes, I feel it’s maturity. It’s frustrating. Sometimes trying to convince her to come home from HH after she has been out for 7 hours is frustrating. She can shown restraint with me when going out. But with co workers you can not convince her to come home. Her co workers are in ****ty relationships, divorced or widowed. They have no one to answer too. 


moulinyx said:


> Yup. This is a maturity issue hands down. She wants to be able to do whatever she wants without worrying about natural consequences or giving minimal respect.
> 
> You have much bigger issues at play here. Sorry OP! You are in a pickle and she probably won’t get it until you freak out.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your wife is being really chummy with her boss. How do you know others are really there? Women having affairs with the boss is so common. Do not blow that off because he’s older , fatter, etc. women are attracted to status and confidence. Add in alcohol and she can be very vulnerable.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Foremost, your wife is not your's, your mate.

She is married to the bottle in front of her.

She is a full blown alcoholic.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It bothers you. It doesn’t bother her. And until it does (assuming that ever happens) she isn’t going to change. You have to decide how long you’re willing to wait.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AndrewELT800 said:


> My kids really like her. She really good to them. Her parents too.


Maybe so, but she is SH*T to you..... You have to live YOUR life, not your kids or her parents.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AndrewELT800 said:


> so there is no control switch with her. If she catches wind of a HH it’s happening. Most of the time she is suggesting it. Once she has one drink that’s it. Judging the by the bank statements today I would say 7-8 drinks from 12-6:30 today. I have repeatedly been after her about drinking and driving. I’ve seen too many fatal accidents first hand that I know the dangers (Previous line of work). I was upset when she got back tonight and the first thing she said was, “I know you’re all pissed off because I was out and I’m all buzzed up.” Ummm yes I’m pissed. Especially with that attitude. Plus where is the decency within a marriage.


Next time she goes out, call the cops and say you know that folks are drinking heavily and will be driving --- tell them the bar.
A DUI may wake her up...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ever considered that your wife might be an alcoholic? I mean, c'mon ... when we're 20-something and in college we drink excessively. Then we grow out of it. Granted, your wife may be immature. But it sounds to me like she can't stop at one drink. That isn't a sign of immaturity; it's a symptom of alcoholism. Something to consider.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She's having fun... a bit of a mid-life crisis. I did that. Not sustainable on the long run.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your wife is married to alcohol.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

She goes to work and regularly ends up drunk around noon and then all afternoon and all night with her drinking buddy boss. She needs to change her job and get off the booze. She's just making a real rod for her back with alcohol addiction there. I've been sober around a year and I'd always find a reason to drink and I'd hide it really well. Always thinking about it or recovering from it. It's the worst trap to be in. Doesn't sound like she is ready to face it. Try looking under the benches in the kitchen for hidden bottles and things like that.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

She's a liability, both financially and emotionally. What happens when drunky hits someone on her way home and you guys get sued for everything you have? Is that what you're waiting for?

You keep saying you don't want another failed marriage. That's ego talking. Spoiler alert, what do you think you have now?


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Well now you know why the first marriage didn't work out. This would be unacceptable to me and a deal breaker. I know you said she can be great with the kids, etc and therefore you put up with this but is to be expected in a marriage. If I told me wife hey look - I'll care for the kids, give them money, buy you a new car and all the clothes you want if you would just let me hire an escort 3 times a week .. sounds ridiculous right? I don't see a difference here.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> She's having fun... a bit of a mid-life crisis. I did that. Not sustainable on the long run.


Only you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I believe I said in one of your earlier threads your wife is a party girl. She likes the buzz, likes to blow off her responsibilities, likes the guts attention. NOTHING good will ever come from her behavior. She will eventually lose or quit her job, she will eventually cheat on you with one of her drinking buddies, if she hasn't already. She will eventually get a DUI, or wreck the car, or cause someone else to wreck. Ultimately she will wreck your life, and probably your finances.

Do you wear a seat belt when you drive? Look both ways before crossing a street? You do those things to protect yourself right? Yet you see the danger of staying with your wife and take no corrective action except grumbling about it. This is going to end very badly for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Only you.


Are you quoting the song?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How does she get her work done (I’m assuming that she does have actual work)?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does she drive home after these drinking sessions?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You know what you need to do.
However, if I were you, I wouldn't tolerate it.
Putting aside any potential infidelity issues, her actions are putting you at risk for a great deal of financial jeopardy.
The costs of a DUI can be up in the tens of thousands of dollars, and that is without exploring the possibility of her actions resulting in someone being killed or maimed.
The fact that she sits in a bar with her boss getting loaded is unacceptable. Don't know where she works, but that must be one hell of a productive organization...........
In addition, HER friend is coming over, and you are expected to clean the house? Seriously? I wouldn't clean a damn thing.
If she has time to sit in a bar during the work day and get soused, she has the time to come home and swing a mop.
You should have texted her and told her if she still wanted to remain in a marriage, that she had better call an UBER and that her butt better be on your doorstep in 45 minutes or less. Tell her that if you have to come pick her up, GOD help her.
Totally outrageous. No one should have to tolerate that kind of blatant recklessness and disrespect.
BTW, I'd say that if you were a betting man, you should put some cash on the fact that she probably has some side action going on. If not the boss, then someone she picked up in her favorite watering hole.
If you don't think so and wish to stay together, you need to sit her down and have the "Come to Jesus " speech with a list of very clear and measurable parameters in one hand to deal with her multitude of deficiencies; and in your other hand, needs to be a set of divorce papers. Tell her that the choice is hers, however, one of the sets of papers is going to see some relatively quick use. 
Put the onus on her to do the work to save your marriage. You will probably find out real quick whether or not you have anything to work with. If not, best to cut your losses quick and save yourself a lot of money and drama. 
She is an accident waiting to happen.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

To hell with two failed marriages. You're going to have a failed LIFE if your wife gets in an accident while driving drunk.

Frankly, I don't understand why you would tolerate such poor behavior from your wife anyway. She hangs out in bars during work hours. smh


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

this is a second marriage for you. She's single and you are the backstop. You were probably brought in as the Provider to feed off of you financially. Lack of respect. You are too nice. She knows she can run right over you. * Hire a PI*. Contact the ex-husband for his version. She's doing more than drinking amigo.

HH is code. She's playing you for a chump and you're taking it because you're a good guy. Leave her and let her live her stray dog lifestyle. You cant fix this. She belongs to the streets.

Immature - this is your rationalization. Pool party with two guys. And you allow this. Comon Man. This is her. wake up. All that nice guy training you've gotten from your clergyman has you in this predicament. Time to read No More Mr Nice Guy by Glover; There's a youtube video and the book can be downloaded. Start reading!

I bet you married her fast. failed to pay attention to all the red flags. she's got hundreds. Had to get married again. Old world thinking. Nice Guys always lose. Always.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

AndrewELT800 said:


> We have these incredible highs where things are going great then instances where it’s **** *and crazy things going on that don’t make sense for a relationship.*


because she's 'having her fun" that doesn't include you. You're kept in the dark that's why it doesn't make sense. good chance she's meeting up with a boyfriend while you are watching the homefront doing what a provider does. She likes it this way.



AndrewELT800 said:


> she randomly sends her money


Is it your money?

You say "there's no control switch with her". Yeah because you don't factor into the equation. Just as an obstacle to be dealt with.

Hire a PI -- get some answers amigo.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

AndrewELT800 said:


> She texted at 4 saying she was at a bar with her boss and co worker. Same people she was with at lunch.



You don't know that she was at a bar. She's telling you what you've been conditioned to believe. Could have been anywhere with anyone. Hire a PI amigo.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Why do you keep seeing this as a failure on your part, two people got married you and her if you live up with your obligations and she doesn't are you expected to pick up the slack are you expected to make up the rest of that partnership because she chooses to fail you and the marriage. Ask yourself is this what I signed up for is this what I accepted when I said I do? So it's okay if you say I do and she says I don't, she expect you to be there always because you said I do....bull ****. Definition of a doormat.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I read your previous post. She's been lying to you and living like a single woman for a long time.

_We went through minor counseling and almost went through divorce over her behavior and going out with the guys for drinks. Like leaving work at noon and drinking in bars until 8-11pm. So I would say there is some lack of respect for marriage : /_

So what's changed? Answer: nothing.

Your wife knows you're hooked and observed your reluctance to divorce.

She's abusing/bullying you - and playing the typical cheater's game that if you don't actually see her commit adultery - then you won't divorce her.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to make their spouse feel safe (e.g., avoid suspicious situations). Your wife has (repeatedly) failed big time.

Based on her history of inappropriate behavior (including that pool party double date consisting of two couples), it's not your job to prove she guilty of adultery. Rather it's her job to prove she isn't. And she doesn't get to say: trust me. She has to prove it.

She's a cake eater. She enjoys the benefits of marriage (will lie and deceive to stay married) but wants to also live as a single woman.

IMO the attention she received in a committed relationship is not enough. She needs more (like an addict).

No husband or partner in the daily grind of life can compete with the emotional high from another man. Everything he says (compliments) and does is new and fresh - and is a 1,000 times more exciting that the spouse.

It's an unfair contest - no spouse can win.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shes dating while married to you. Go online and view the phone bill.
You are a chump because you allow it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The facts are clear, the danger, is front and center.

She is not going to change until _'life and hard knocks'_ forces her to.

What are you 'ultimately' going to do about it (her)?

Make that ultimate choice, very soon.
Today is promised, tomorrow is not.

Her promises are old, yellow-paper thin.



_Nemesis-_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ditch the witch. She’s a cheater and a drunk.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

OP has been silent for several days. I hope he comes back to let us know what, if anything, he's going to do about this situation. Maybe he'll just bury his head in the sand in the hopes this hot mess will go away. But there's always hope - maybe he'll tell her to clean up her act or leave.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

I feel bad for this guy. He knows he made a big mistake and what's really going on. Why else come here and post? Sure OP has not come back. The hits are striking emotional blows.

In terms of the mistake, it's just a matter of dealing with it. He has a lot of power in terms of the financial support aspect. It should be cut off as well as extracting this woman from the home. 

His biggest problem appears to be social conditioning. Same story we see from the nice guy. Nice guys are their own worst enemy. It still amazes. OP puts wife on the pedestal, defers and caters to her wishes to make her happy lol, as opposed to the good time pool boys . No pedestal. No flowers. Just "make sure you wear your bikini". Only OP was dumb enough to marry her. It's hard to come to grips with this when you have the good guy worldview that clashes with his reality of this marriage. He defers to the view and the virtuous wife archetype. that she'll somehow get it; become mature like she's supposed to be; my second marriage guys. The first one fked up too. Why was that? Same reason? 

I think the drinking issue is probably exaggerated. Her go-to is "im at the bar", which seems to always work. OP has no idea with his head buried in the sand.


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## AndrewELT800 (Aug 23, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> OP has been silent for several days. I hope he comes back to let us know what, if anything, he's going to do about this situation. Maybe he'll just bury his head in the sand in the hopes this hot mess will go away. But there's always hope - maybe he'll tell her to clean up her act or leave.


I’ll chime in later today. Work has been hectic, feeling under the weather and working on some of the depression I’ve been going through.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

AndrewELT800 said:


> So this has been an ongoing issue. Wife and her happy hours with co workers. Today she went into the office. Before she left I asked if she had hh plans after work. She got super defensive about it. That there were no plans and if they come up it’s need to her. I asked because anytime she goes in on Thursday they always have hh. Hence why I asked. Turns out went out to lunch a little before noon. Got back to office at 3. Said was out with boss and co worker. Boss is a drinking buddy for her. Was in office supposedly less than an hour and back at at bar around the corner from work. Her friend comes into town tomorrow to stay with us. I’ve cleaned some but I feel if your friend is staying here you should be here straightening up. Not my problem. I’m sure she will stay out late tonight bc they will get munchies and need food since drinking at noon. Supposedly stopping for close to an hour then back at it. My problem is when she calls to say they want food. If I say no she’ll freak out. I feel this is a bad road of drinking too much for long periods. I’m sort of venting here. I can’t deal with this. I feel it’s time to grow up. Both in mid 40s.


If these are men she is out drinking with and she is staying out with them I'd divorce. I'd at least see a lawyer and have her served. If there was a slim chance I'd want to stay IF she stopped this behavior 100% then I may hold out a slim hope the divorce would shock her out of her party girl, male pals dreamworld and see would change but she sounds too far gone. She isn't a wife at this point. She has her party life and you pay the bills and hold down the fort for her.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Next time she goes out, call the cops and say you know that folks are drinking heavily and will be driving --- tell them the bar.
> A DUI may wake her up...


NOTE: Make sure to take her off your car insurance and put her on her own policy before you do this.


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