# I think my friend has a quiet eye on my FWayward man...gut feeling and a bit more...



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Well, I guess I will start at the beginning. My story is that my man cheated on me when we were 1st together, for some time, with his ex who he was still in love with but told me he wasn't. I have been through hell with this man and my friends have heard some of it. 

Roll on to now. He is a great partner, attentive, loving, but there are many holes in the relationship and we fall out frequently. We have had 2 major splits up to now where I really believed it was over. Wanted it to be over. But we fell back into being back together again. He makes me happy, he loves me how I love to be loved, and we get on brilliant. I believes he loves me a lot. 

So, that is the background to the relationship. Now the friend. 

I have seen it happen here before...I think...and I have certainly seen it in real life. I think I planted the seed...so what do I do now? Do I just ditch the friend? I don't want to talk to my man in case I plant the seed in his head too...that my friend fancies him and I don't trust her. He should act appropriately, but not sure he will if the seed is planted.

So, this is what happened. On our splits I get worried because he goes to my local pub after work. He works 2 mins down the road from me, lives across town. I have asked him not to, but he does. I worry because it would be a nightmare if he found another gf in my area and I had to see them together at my local. A nightmare due to being so much in love with him. On our last major split it was the same, him going to my local. 

I have always thought my friend would be his kind of type, started worrying he would ask her out! I said to her if he ever asks you out for a drink or anything you would tell me wouldn't you. She expressed shock, as you would, and I said well I think you would be his kind of type....though he would probably shag anything with a heartbeat if we were single and he desperate. It doesn't take long for him to get desperate! Anyway, she said yes, course she would tell me and course she wouldn't accept.

Since then I have noticed small things that make it seem like she is interested. All those small things that nag at the gut! 

So, anyone experienced this? Do I confront her? That is what I want to do but of course she will deny she thinks of him that way and that will be an end to the friendship. 

There have been a few little niggles that have got my gut going, and then a big one which I thought was just a bit odd...which I will be asking her about this anyway when I get a chance.

Do I just now avoid her and ditch her....this is the one I want to avoid. She has been a good friend and our daughters get on well, and, the biggest reason, I will have to explain to my man which will then plant the seed in his head! 

I don't think he looks at her in any way at all other than my mate, but if I plant the seed that could all change on our next split!


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

It's possible that by you mentioning he could be interested in her it made her re-evaluate the relationship.

In a strong friendship that information should have just been a funny anecdote that she laughed off. "Your guy interested in me? Whatever, he's your guy".

I'd just be watchful. Another big "niggle" and I'd talk with her. Write this stuff down though, have a list so it's on paper and you can see it.

Friends don't date friend's exes right after a breakup. It's just bad form.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Remains said:


> Do I just now avoid her and ditch her....


Sweet, hopelessly devoted, Remains...

Your post is flooded with trust issues. It makes me wonder why you would "love" someone so much, and not trust them.

I know. I did it for a few months too.

Your long term solution is to find two new people. A new husband and a new bff. 

Living in a relationship with low to no trust is living in hell.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think your instinct about planting the seed is correct. I wouldn't talk to him about it at all. I've had this happen to me in both directions & it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. FWIW, as the good friend who was being hit on by the bf of a friend, I never went there. I hope your friend is the friend you think she is because gratuitously creating a love triangle is never worth it, esp. when someone is a very good friend to start.

I wouldn't say anything to her either. I would just have my antennae up in case the two of them look like they are moving in that direction. If that really happens, then you decide what action to take.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Sweet, hopelessly devoted, Remains...
> 
> Your post is flooded with trust issues. It makes me wonder why you would "love" someone so much, and not trust them.
> 
> ...


So true.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

My only though is, if you dump her as a friend, she might see this a chance to give him a try. Why not, you dumper her, so she wouldn't be seeing a friend's guy?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I wouldn't say anything to her either. I would just have my antennae up in case the two of them look like they are moving in that direction. If that really happens, then you decide what action to take.


The only thing I was going to say to her, which I have been meaning to for some time but not had the chance, was...

when she split with her man she was upset I spoke and chatted with him, with my man, one evening when we bumped into him. She sent me a text asking what was going on. I basically said if you don't want me speaking to him that is fine but it is very difficult when we see him, I know some of his friends etc. I then spent some time wondering how difficult and awkward it would be to say 'sorry but I can't really speak to you' next time me and my man saw him. Thankfully she was less sore and that time never came. She talks to him now. And even has slept with him again.

Yet...when me and my man split up, the last long split (one of 2), when I said that above to her, I said I was happy for them to talk, no need for her not to speak to him (I was thinking she would keep an eye and tell me about anything untoward). I found something out and was very upset (not sex or another woman) and texted her saying I take it all back, I don't want her speaking to him, he is an arse, and all I want to do is spit on him. She replied 'can we have a *** free day please'! I was surprised, but unsurprised. He had dominated my thoughts for a long time, but for also a very long time I have tried not to mention him and only spoke about briefly if asked. Regardless, what I am upset about is that she was upset I spoke to her ex and wanted me not to, I was happy to so whatever made her comfortable, and was all about her needs. When I said I take it back and don't want me or her to have anything to do with my man because he is a bastard, just a day or 2 later she was slowing down, beeping at him and waving as she drove by while he worked. 

Sounds petty, but I thought it was just weird. That is what I was going to ask her, she expected/wanted so much from me and yet did not return the favour!

Another thing she did, another biggy! (regarding weird Behaviour and nagging gut feeling), she encouraged a man who we knew liked me to come and chat with us, or rather to chat me up (bearing in mind I have a man!!!), with his friend. Then after we left she was saying how I need a big man (he is a tall man, my man is 'small', same height as me, I am not small, my man is just slightly taller in fact), she was saying how my type is a big man, she disagreed with me when I said I love my man and love all about him, saying my type is a big, a tall man, and that is what I should have! I thought this really weird at the time, and as I thought about it, it was as if she was trying to get me to realise that the man I love and have loved for a long time is not the type for me. She wasn't saying I deserve better. Just that my type is something entirely different.

I had lots of niggles but I think that is what sealed the deal. 

I wasn't going to broach that subject on the type issue, just the way she behaved over her ex and me, and then my ex and her! I have to and I will, I cannot be comfortable with her til I do, as for the rest of it with her fancying him, I think it is best not to go down that road? Any further advice welcome.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Keep her closer instead of ditching her, you want to be able to see what goes on.

2. Preventively act - get her to eat high calories foods and get fat, make sure to tell her about his bad skills in bed, smelly feet etc.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Not sure why you even said that to your friend. You shouldn't have planted the idea in her head. I'm also not sure if your relationship is as great as you seem to think it is if you're having to ask your friends to inform you if your husband hits on them because they're his type:scratchhead:

As for the friend idk but you might want to re-evaluate the relationship with your husband if HE is giving off red flags. Just because 2 people love each other doesn't mean they should be together.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Sweet, hopelessly devoted, Remains...
> 
> Your post is flooded with trust issues. It makes me wonder why you would "love" someone so much, and not trust them.
> 
> ...


 I totally agree....though any relationship harmed by infidelity is flooded with trust issues. If the only solution was to leave him/her, this forum wouldn't exist. 

Obviously there are some major positives and some very good reasons to stay with him, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. I know him pretty well, I know his weaknesses. He is a good man. But he needs an eye kept on him...I think he would agree. And he is happy to do plenty in order to ease my mind. He makes a good effort, he shows plenty of love. I also think he is quite fallible in certain circumstances.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Remains said:


> I totally agree....though any relationship harmed by infidelity is flooded with trust issues. If the only solution was to leave him/her, this forum wouldn't exist.
> 
> Obviously there are some major positives and some very good reasons to stay with him, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. I know him pretty well, I know his weaknesses. He is a good man. But he needs an eye kept on him...I think he would agree. And he is happy to do plenty in order to ease my mind. He makes a good effort, he shows plenty of love. I also think he is quite fallible in certain circumstances.


This is true. I know about the things above.

I know you were betrayed too.

It sounds like your are in a relationship where you have more to lose than he does. It also sounds like you are trying to keep him because he is a high value man. High sex rank? Money?

Not asking to hurt you. It seems that you have given him a high status even though he has deeply hurt you, and you still can not trust him. He needs you to keep an eye on him.

Does he feel like a prize for you? I almost sense that you are happy to have him because all of the other women want him too.

Tough questions. I just hope you find high value in yourself. We always want the BHs to "man-up." It kind of makes me wonder if that is what you need. Maybe a little "woman-up" approach would be useful.

Sorry you are hurt. I understand that feeling all too well.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

dormant said:


> My only though is, if you dump her as a friend, she might see this a chance to give him a try. Why not, you dumper her, so she wouldn't be seeing a friend's guy?


My thoughts too!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> 1. Keep her closer instead of ditching her, you want to be able to see what goes on.
> 
> 2. Preventively act - get her to eat high calories foods and get fat, make sure to tell her about his bad skills in bed, smelly feet etc.


LOL. I did that to a "girlfriend " I was worried about potentially becoming my competition- always made her milkshakes, which she loved, with extra syrup, and extra ice cream  She did gain weight, she was chubby already..
About bad mouthing your hubby to her, such as stinky sheets and feet, be careful. One, she may not even believe you and see thru it- after all you do sleep with him, right ? and second, what if she ever tells him what you said ?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I too think you shouldn't have plant the seed in your head. Now it stroke her vanity, and may look for signs you are correct and your husband may like her. She may start to flirt, change her body language when he's around, etc. A woman doesn't have to say a word for a man to know she wants him.
Don't bring it up to your husband unless you see flirting or other red signs. 
And you don't need to ditch her, but make sure they don't meet. Avoid mentioning her name to him, and when you are with her, don't talk about your husband, and your marriage. She can use any details you spill in her favor if she really wants to hook up with him.
Be smart.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I really don't have any advice as there doesn't really seem to be a question here. I would like to ask why you feel that the only man that you think you can attract is one who has continuously cheated on you? It appears that you may suffer from low self esteem. I do recommend counseling for this problem. I know you are going to tell me that you love him and while that may be true, why do you love yourself so little as to settle for this situation. 

They say down on the farm that once a dog gets in the hen house and kills a chicken, that he will spend all his time trying to get in there for another chicken. Unfortunately, you have a dog that is just like that, he can't stay away from the hen house.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I love my truck, thank you for your replies. They are very kind. Though regarding sex rank, I would say I am quite a bit higher than him. This is from what people have said to me, my friend included, and the fact I get chatted up, looked at etc. He doesn't really get attention...so to speak. He is a few years older than me, he does look slightly over his years, and he is only a small man, 5'8". But very fit. His sex rank comes from his personality. Very chatty, funny, good to be around. I totally fancy him and I know he does me. 

Jasel, I know I shouldn't have said it. I didn't have any gut feelings before then. Nothing. And u realise my relationship is kinds poor in some respects, but I can't imagine finding anyone ever, really ever, who would be as perfect for me in so many ways. 

S and H, I don't feed her much, and she is not overweight nor likely to be  though I am definitely higher sex rank than her. 

I just kinda wanted confirming I had done a stupid thing talking to her, and that I shouldn't try to talk to her again about it regarding her subtle behaviour, or to talk to him and plant a seed there also. I think I will stick to asking about her double standards on that one issue, but also take back what I said about him fancying her...why would he when he so obviously in love with me (which he is).


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Also, I don't think I hold the relationship in higher value than he does, I also don't think I have more to lose. I think he very much wants to make it work, I am still yet to allow myself to completely let go with him again...did that and got burned. I think he has more to lose i.e. me. Not to sound up my arse or anything. I think we are perfect for each other in many ways. I could easily find another man if I so wished. I have ended the relationship many times and it is always he who is continually texting and expressing his love. He got my name tattooed on his arm (definitely nothing to do with me, I was in shock, speechless, when he came home with it). I have remained very willing to let the relationship go (due to his not working on it), more so than he has. Each time he has made efforts to do more to make it work.


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