# Coping with what were lies then, but not now



## grlygrl (Jul 1, 2010)

Hoping to get some advice from others and this seems to be the place!
trying to rebuild after husbands affair a couple yrs back..

How do you deal with your emotions (and everything!) when you hear things today that were lies in the past (during the affair)? Things that are everyday, normal occurances that can't be avoided. For example....I'll be home late, got stuck at work; I'm just playing games on my cell phone; even specific ones that I've heard before when he was having an affair. Like reasons he's out later than expected if he's going out with friends(which is hard to deal with to begin with!)

Would love to hear 'both sides'.....thanks.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

First tell him what you are feeling.

One thing I think would help is if he gave you a schedule of where he is going to be. If something comes up at work, he should call, and you should be able to call him at any time. Discuss each of these with him and come up with a solution that you are comfortable with so that you can feel that trust.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Earlier this month there was a post here about trusting your gut feelings. Trust your gut!! I bet you need to work on your marriage. Be ready for the big surprise. Do not react when you find out what has been going on. Take the time to talk to you close friends or post here. Check his phone. Read his texts. Do not react. If he is having any kind of relationship, sexual or not, take a day to think about what to do. Do you havekids. Have you seen a marriage counsellor.
If you are worrying about your marriage then you have marriage problems. Seek counselling from a therapist who is pro-marriage. You can find them on this site and marriagbuilders.com. Read threads and topics that will be suggested over the next couple days. I hate to say itbut this kind of slow downward spiral is typical with almost all marriages. You have to stop the spin. Get to work. 
Read Harley materials about the love bank and love busters.
More ti come here if you want help.


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## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

Two years used to seem like a long time didn't it? I know for us the general advice is "give it time" guess two years isn't that long. I can only offer insight to what your husband may be thinking because I would be him in your situation.
You are referring to what I have started calling triggers. Little ,"occurances" as you put it, part of everyday life that trigger an unwanted thought of memory. Chances are if he is anything like myself when these things come up he is just as worried what you will think as you are to hear them. You still are obligated to hold him accountable for his actions. Although I may not always immediately tell my W when plans change, I know she can call me 24/7, and I make SURE a get that call. If I am out later than expected I expect her to ask the who/what/when and even though yes in the past I may have easily lied I believe she can see the difference now. 
Is he remorseful? Has he put himself in the guilt trap I know I locked myself in? If yes, hopefully he is smart enough to know how much he hurt who truly loved him the most and has learned to use the remorse and guilt only as a reminder of a path never to go down again.
You cannot expect him to wallow in the guilt forever, and until you begin to see the CLEAR signs, I don't see how doing anything other than talking and communicating your feelings to him could do any good.

And as answer to your question directed towards me on another thread, that would be a definite no. Not ever again


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Some experts say that it takes 2-3 years to recover from an affair. We are only 6 months out from my discovering the affair, so, with as badly as I feel some days, I can;lt imagine it will go on and hope and pray that it doesn't, but...it takes as long as it takes, apparently.

Best,

Lyn


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## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

To the community: grlygrl would happen to be my lovely wife. for me it was an obvious occerence, however, her joining this community 'secretly' while knowing I am here is causing some frustration on my behalf. This thread could be used as a golden oppurtunity for those walking our paths to see some insight. I welcome everyone to our journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I personally don't think he can be trusted..just my opinion.


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## brs597 (Jan 19, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> I personally don't think he can be trusted..just my opinion.


Quick assumption. Care to ellaborate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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