# When did it come to this?



## wisrdh (Oct 25, 2013)

My husband and I have been together since we were 18, and we are now 26. We have two beautiful little girls (6yrs and 2yrs). We have been through it all together! We've always remained strong as a couple... until now. The past two years I have been in school finishing my degree in dental hygiene and he has been working as a lineman building power lines. His job has taken him all over and he is currently about 5 hours away from our home. Everything had been going just fine in our lives and we just purchased our first home together which we will be moving into next week. This last week he admitted to being an alcoholic, which was no surprise to me and had me pretty concerned about our marriage right then and there.
Now, fast-forward to Tuesday night- I call him when I know he should be done with work, and his phone goes straight to voice mail. So I figure he must still be working. He calls me back about an hour later, obviously drunk. He tells me they got done early and he read, and watched tv all day. RIGHT..... I'm not an idiot. I questioned his drinking and he gets belligerent with me. He tells me I am such a loser (in other not so nice words) because I haven't been working for the past two years and that I have no right to question him. I get mad and hang up. I try to call back later but he ignores my call.
Wednesday morning I get a text saying "I quit drinking, you have my word. I'm so sorry" Later I'm having lunch with my best friend and he calls me and says "I hit rock bottom last night." At that point I told him I'd talk to him later as not to alarm my friend. Later on he calls and says he felt bad to treating me like that, and I don't deserve it. I said that I know there has to be more. He breaks down almost crying and says "I got drunk and got cozy with a girl at the bar." I had to coax more out of him. He then came to tell me that he invited her back to his hotel, and he wanted to sleep with her. She left and he didn't even get the chance (obviously a smart lady because I hate him when he is drunk too). He said if she hadn't left he would have had sex with her. I was irate of course. I asked if he told her that he was married, and he didn't. I feel so violated. I almost feel like he did still cheat on me. I'm so hurt and bewildered. I've never done anything like this to him. I don't know where to go from here. He asked me if he should come home early, but I told him I was too upset for that. He comes home today and I am not looking forward to it. Worst part is, we are staying with his parents for a week until we can move in to our house. He keeps calling and texting me to apologize, but I don't even want to hear it. Where do I go from here??? I know he didn't actually cheat, I realize this but it still hurts!


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

He did cheat. What makes you think that the only way to cheat is to have intercourse? Anytime one does something behind their spouses back that they could not do on front of them, and it is of a sexual nature is cheating. So do not feel relieved because they didn't have actual intercourse.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

He needs to get into an AA program, I'm very serious about this. A drinking problem will only end in heartache for everyone involved. If he drinks and drives, it will end one of two ways: he will be caught (and depending on where you live this is a financial nightmare) or he will end up hurting someone else (or himself, though in my experience it's never the drunk driver that ends up dead).

He needs help. I understand that he is hurting you, but he has an addiction that needs to be taken care of before you can work on your marriage. I'm not white knighting for him or anything, but for you to be happy in the end, he needs help.

Now, if he refuses, then you need to figure out where you're going from there.


----------



## wisrdh (Oct 25, 2013)

Walter- Thank you for your response, but I do not need to be made felt like I am stupid. I am hurt and obviously I know what he did was wrong. I wouldn't be here otherwise.


----------



## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

For you sake I hope not. But the "she came over but we didn't do anything" is classic for "we had sex." But hopefully not.


----------



## Feel-Free (Sep 22, 2013)

I work a lot with people around their feelings and the dynamics surrounding their feelings, so my advice will be feeling-based.

Due to the distance between you both when he is working, it is more difficult to gauge trust, especially when there is alcohol involved, etc. There are reasons why he is drinking and you need to consider getting close enough emotionally with him to find out why he is drinking. Allow him to have his vulnerability around you without you getting defensive. This is challenging for you, but if you can be patient and kind, he'll eventually start to share what is really going on with him regarding how he truly feels.

Also, you too can tell him your feeling-truths and concerns. It is vital that you both begin to create a feeling-based partnership, instead of a 'he said - she said' type of disconnection. It's easier to establish a partnership if you can both begin to be honest with each other about how you each are feeling. 

One of the best ways to gain honesty and trust is for each person to simply listen without reacting while the other person is sharing their feeling-truths. This is often not an easy thing to do, but will get easier as you practice simply just listening and being compassionate.

There is a need for you both to regain your mutual trust, but once you do, you both get to determine the 'rules of partnership' that you both feel good about following.

I hope some of what I've written here resonates with your situation. I offer a Home Study Course that can help you both get in touch with your feelings and learn how to communicate those feelings in a very powerful and respectful manner. Message me for more info on this if you wish.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I know that since he confessed this discretion, you feel he had no reason to not be completely truthful about it. But you should take it with a grain of salt.

He may very well have not slept with her, but there's a possibility he did, and told you a half truth to assuage his guilt. Perhaps guilt for this time or perhaps for another time.

All I'm suggesting is that you not take everything he says at face value. If he is a typical alcoholic, his emotions will be volatile and unpredictable.


----------



## wisrdh (Oct 25, 2013)

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. It's going to take some time for me to trust him again. I know there are marriages that are much older than ours that go thought the same thing. It happened to my parents which is one reason why I'd never be the one cheating. I saw how much it hurt my father and I could never do that. I was only 11 when it happened and I still remember it vividly and I don't want that for my children. As someone mentioned before drunk driving has also been an issue. I don't want to paint him to be this monster because he's not. He is sick with addiction. We are discussing AA currently. He knows he needs help. I am also wondering if I should make him get an HIV test? I know it won't show up immediately so I will have to be in a while from now. I don't plan on having sex with him anytime in the near future anyway so no loss there.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

wisrdh said:


> Walter- Thank you for your response, but I do not need to be made felt like I am stupid. I am hurt and obviously I know what he did was wrong. I wouldn't be here otherwise.


You weren't being patronized. I suggest you stop being so defensive. No one is attacking you and if you are being defensive, you aren't being open minded.

Your husband obviously had a desire to cheat. He may or may not have committed the act. You are punishing him because he has been bad and I understand that. I know you are hurt and I'm very sorry you are here.

Are you loving him as well? If you want to divorce him, punish away. It will push him away. If you withhold affection, that will also push him away. Nobody wants to be in a relationship where they feel like they are being punished all the time. Although your husband was a total a$$, it is ok to tell him that you love him. You can even tell him you love him while beating him on the head with a frying pan.

Set your boundaries of what you will and will not accept. His drinking needs to stop. Make it an issue. Work on it with him and support him. Tell him you are proud of him and actually be proud of him. Life can be better and you can get past this but you both have to work hard on your marriage.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He was cheating on you and he insulted you.

He resents you, the mother of his children, too.

He needs to grow up.


----------



## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

The fact that he told you is a good start. Many people wouldn't have done that. My husband had an EA last year and told me. It made it easier to get through.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He DID cheat. If you decide to stay married, you need to have a serious talk with him about what exactly cheating is for the two of you. Like my husband finally admitted, intention to have sex is just as bad as actually having sex. He should also get STD tested and show you the results in writing, or take you with him when he gets the results. 

If you hadn't pushed it he wouldn't have told you what he did. You only know what he's told you. How do you know this is the only time this has happened? You also only have his word as to what happened that night.

AA is a good start. But you need to set some boundaries and be prepared to follow through with the consequences if he breaks them.


----------



## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Being too drunk to get it up is still cheating. The intent and will was there. He cheated.

And I'm sorry, "FeelFree", but group-hugging your adulterous spouse and three paragraphs of "feeling-truth" psychobabble, complete with a sales pitch for your services at the end of your post, is laughably naive and insulting to the OP. Let her deal with the FACTS of what happened, not the "truths".


----------



## Feel-Free (Sep 22, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> And I'm sorry, "FeelFree", but group-hugging your adulterous spouse and three paragraphs of "feeling-truth" psychobabble, complete with a sales pitch for your services at the end of your post, is laughably naive and insulting to the OP. Let her deal with the FACTS of what happened, not the "truths".


Thanks for your judgments and opinions regarding my post, InlandTXMM. The good news: everyone has their judgments and opinions. My work around feelings helps anyone interested to gain more ability and insight around their own feelings and the 'facts' of those feelings. The ability I speak of has the power to 'save' marriages and transform relationships, which is why we're all here posting our stuff in the first place.


----------



## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

No intentions to minimize the cheating aspect, but straight up, the drinking is 100 times more important right now.
You need to be talking to Al-Anon or your church or whatever.
He has a serious problem that could lead to his death, the death of other people, his being in an accident and costing you everything, etc. etc.

The trying to cheat, well, you need to hammer him hard and make him realize it is a BAD idea, then, if you want and he 'gets it' take his sorry tail back.

But for the Lords sake, get that drinking under control.
My hopes and good wishes for you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're still reading, buy the book His Needs Her Needs. Or two copies, if he travels a lot. Read it together, and talk about each chapter. There will be exercises to do, to strengthen the marriage. I have hope for you guys.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Twistedheart said:


> For you sake I hope not. But the "she came over but we didn't do anything" is classic for "we had sex." But hopefully not.


My take is he didn't have sex because he lacked sufficient cash and the bar chick didn't take checks or credit cards.


----------

