# Where to go from here



## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Well it's been 11 day's since my w and I had the nuclear meltdown. I really don't know where to go from here. My w and I have been together for 7 years and throughout the 7 years we became close. We used to spend every waking minute together and do almost everything together as well. My w was previously married and when we started going out she was legally separated because her x cheated on her. We moved in together within a few months or so. My work situation has alway's been rocky Im in and out of work depending on seasons because of my trade. But also growing up I always had to work for what I got so when I got my money I was selfish about it. I worked 2 jobs to pay rent/groceries and car payment. We were engaged when my w decided we should buy our condo and we moved in. We had a child in 2010 which she said was planned. At times in our relationship we've had ups and downs but always got through it. In 2010 I guess things weren't going too good but w never talked to me, communication was not always there. I found out she was exchanging pictures with a mutual friend and her X. I was floored when I found out about this and I didnt know if I could get through it. Her and I talked and I told her that it really hurt me and that I still loved her because we had already gone through so much together. The trust issues started from there. I tried to forget about the past and work on building a new relationship. We decided to get married in July 2010 and I was so happy and so was she. Her and I worked through things financially and she had supported some decisions I had made to run my own business and try new ventures. She would tell me that I should get a job and accept something is better than nothing. I turned a blind eye and was concerned with the business venture so we could be financially secure. I was offered a job with an insurance company and she was very happy. I studied but never took the test. She was working 2 jobs and was never home and when she was she didnt spend much time with the kids. The Friday before Valentines day she asked if she could spend the night at a friends house because friend was getting some surgery. She took my son and went and I had no issues with that. I think that's where the problems started. We had a big fight on Valentines day and I still feel so horrible and bad about it, I think that hurt will never go away. She took off for the night and didn't come home. The next day I told her I was sorry and may have been overly smothering. We talked about things and she suggested maybe we should separate and see where our hearts were. I told her that I didnt think that was a good idea that we should work things out together and maybe attend counseling. I told her that I had things I wanted to work on and I wanted to put her needs before my own and I wanted to show her I could change. I spent time looking for jobs, cleaning the house, spending less time on the xbox,computer, going to bed without the tv, spending more time with her, back rubs and just making her feel good. She had been corresponding with a guy that was a mutual friend of her and her co workers. I told her that I didnt feel comfortable with that because it stirred up old feelings. She said that they were only friends and that there was nothing there. I found out that she was writing him through FB and emails saying she loved being around him and she wished she had his number. I never saw any indication of an affair. She said that she gets along with guys better and that's always been her. I said I didn't have a problem with her having guy friends but I would like to go sometime to meet this person and maybe we could become friends. My wife had been going out to her friends house more frequently she wanted to go bi weekly. Through our counseling sessions things were going well at home, she was more loving and she also said she was feeling more loved and caring. We were more affectionate toward each other. The day before D-day we watched a movie, I rubbed her feet we had a good dinner. I even made a pot luck for her work the next day which we worked on together. The next day she told me she had class which was routine. We emailed through the day and texted. I told her I would meet her for coffee before she had class and my son and I met her. She kissed me and hugged me and we had a good meet. She told me she would see me later and texted me she loved me. I didn't see her again that night. I found out she had called this other guy and emailed her friend saying she was going out there and her friend said wait around at her house till she got in touch with him. When I talked to her friend she said that she was the one that called the dude from my w's phone because he was working on her car etc. I worried for my wife since her friend told me she wasn't there and I didnt know what to think. W didnt come home and I waited all night, I decided to see if she would be at work and when she showed up she was in her friends car and when she saw me she ducked down. But before she sent me a txt saying she needed time to think. That day she got me arrested and filed a relief from abuse order which left me powerless. We went to court the other day and the judge told her she was denying w's order. My w had the locks changed at our condo. I still have a no contact so I can't call or talk to her right now. I've been restricted on visitation with my son (No court order) and she said it would be a good idea that I not come home. I've spent time talking with her parents on what they think is going on but my w's been really quiet on things. I told them I need to know if she's filing for divorce so I can move on with my life. I have yet to hear that she is filing and she hasn't told anyone that our marriage is over. The other night I got wind that her car was spotted at the dudes shop with a bunch of other cars, I was worried for my son because her parents said that she was taking him home. So I called police to do a welfare check because if she was driving drunk or what not I didn't want my son in that environment. When they finally drove by they said that her car was not there. She told my dad that she needs time to think about what's best for her and the kids. I'm not sure where her mind is at and I don't know how long I should give her. I dont know if she's going to throw away 7 years of our life and so many things over something like this. I think if she truly wanted to have a divorce that she would have said something. Why not ask me to move my stuff out of the house, why not this and why not that. I've been thinking about her all the time. I dream about her every night I can't sleep, cant eat, I've lost over 20lbs. People said give her some space let her act out and she'll come back. Other say go file for divorce show her I'm serious, fight for the condo, fight for custody. They said that way she'll see that I am serious and it may make her think. I don't know if she's cheated on me just because car is in driveway doesn't mean she's cheating. From what Ive heard and what she's told me she doesn't have any attraction to this person who is 7 years older than her. I am so confused right now, I've made an appointment with a counselor for my own well being, but every day I have these feelings. People say oh get over it move on etc. It's so hard I have feelings of I wish I had done something different and what I did to make this happen. Maybe I'm blaming myself but I think this was a 2 way street. Maybe I'm grasping at hope but why not just say she wants a divorce? I want to go home since I'm staying with parents who don't have much room. Should I just go all the way and say I'm not moving out, I'm filing for divorce and custody? Or should I just leave her to her space? Someone close said she's in her party stage since she's already said she missed out on it. I dont know if she's seeking help or getting bad advice from friends. I just see her siding with her friends over her own husband and I think its wrong. Her parent's told me that shes not really talking to them either. I'm feeling lost and don't know what to do. I want to fix our marriage but if she's having an affair I dont really know. She said she's not. She's also told her parents it's not another man either. I've told her before, If you want to be with someone else tell me so we can file. She's said that there is no one else and I could be blowing things out of proportion. I know she's temporary suspended my cell phone and added a passcode. But I am still an authorized user and she has not canceled our life insurance, my health insurance. She deleted me from her fb friends and started a second account under her maiden name as well as status single. But our wedding pictures and stuff are all there. If she was deleting me from her life why keep it. What can I do to make the hurt go away? Every place I go reminds me of her because we did a lot of things together. I've been doing a lot of reading into how to change and don't know when I get to talk to her how to ask to save our marriage. I want us to be a family and heal and be the husband she wants. I dont know why get married for only 8 months and have this happen? She has said I'm controlling and when she wants to do something I make her feel guilty. I love my wife and dont know how she could do this to me.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm sorry that sounds very hard.

What did she "get you arrested" for? 
Just curious about the rest of the story...

Either way I wish you the best


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

She told the police I stalked her because I was waiting for her at work when she got there only because she never came home all night. DC because I was talking to her outside, Unlawful restraint because I was standing in front of her yet she never said move. Even after all this I really still love my wife and she's all I think about. I've lost 20lbs easy over the course of this. I hate going to sleep at night because I have dreams of her. I wonder what she is up to, if she has already moving on because she is at friends houses drinking etc. I know she's been spending time with our son a bit more which is good but I really don't know what to believe anymore I dont know who's lying to me I dont know if our relationship is truly over. I miss going home and being around her and our kids. I miss talking to her and doing things with her. I can't make this hurt go away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Night Eagle, please go back and edit your post into paragraphs. I simply can't read it like that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Too much drama.
If she is calling the police and having YOU arrested after spending all night out, I say walk on. She is a flighty mess and not to be trusted.


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