# How do you deal with the anxiety of being alone/not being in the marriage you wanted?



## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

As for myself. I go to the social spot when I'm online on TAM. If I'm not, I either workout or walk my pets or cuddle them.
But what bothers me is that sometimes, it really isn't enough. I spent seven years loving someone and living in the heavenly harbor of having someone to intimately talk to whenever the is the need.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

You should start dating.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> You should start dating.


 I'm not feeling to start dating, yet. Not even sure where to begin.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You are feeling void.

Find a meaningful hobby and spend time with it.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Torri - Good question. I'm in R (as you know), but the last few weeks I've felt very alone, only I'm not. So, different problem, I know. :/

Maybe good that you are alone, and getting to know yourself for who you are - just one - not a half of a pair. 

You'll start dating when you're ready. You're just not there yet! Which is good, don't force it until you feel like you can. 

I guess my advice is just to appreciate life...."It is what it is".... But it's ever changing, and who knows what's around the corner for you! Actually could be a very exciting time in your life! 

You will get over the "empty" feeling. And remember, it's better to be alone, than being with someone while WISHING you were alone.

Hugs to you.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks for being there, guys. You rule.
Yes, I've taken up sport, I got a new pet, a kitten Tartine. She's amaaazing.
It's just that I've been with her most of my adult life. It's very disorienting sometimes. But you're right, lady. That's actually a motto I like: It's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

Hobbies are great, but it takes a second of noticing you're alone and then the whole hour is filled with anxiety.
The thing about dating, other than the fact that I"m not there yet, is that I can't sympathize emotionally well with girls from my own country. We don't really have the same mentality. Long story, I'll probably talk about it in another thread.

Why the feeling of being alone, Lady ? And by the way, it is absolutely what I'm talking about. The feeling that the person you thought gets you isn't there anymore. No matter how physically close he can be, once he's not populating your heart, all is desolated.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you are just talking about the empty feeling you have as a result of what your wife has done, that will heal in time. You have to grieve the loss of your wife and marriage. All perfectly normal.

You will survive.

Learn to be happy with yourself before looking for other people to fill the void.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

For me, I don't know. We had this whole 3 month process of re-bonding - where I felt so connected to him. But now it's back to "normal". Finding that I have a lot of resentment in me still, doesn't do much to talk about it. 

It's only been 4 months. I am starting to think maybe I should've ended it. My marriage will never be the same.

So, that's why I'm saying to you that this is an exciting time! You don't have the constant companionship that you had, no. But, in my case, I do...and I'm almost wishing I didn't. Even when together, there's a wedge now that wasn't there, and I can't make it go away. Almost wishing that I could just start over. 

So I'm hoping that you are feeling somewhat that way. Excited for starting over. Only better. You are now older, wiser, more comfortable with who YOU are when starting the next chapter of your life. 

You seem like a strong person. Hang in there. Good things come to good people, Torri!


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Thanks for your kind words, Lady. They really mean a lot.
I can't begin to imagine the dilemma you're in, it must be very confusing. Three months is just so little time to forgive the other completely and get rid of the resentment. Especially when you're seeing them on a daily basis.
There's some kind of weird bliss to not knowing what your wayward is doing. I don't know why, but probably it is because you don't get to see them acting as if nothing had happened. It's ridiculous to ask someone to be constantly showing signs of regret and remorse, no human is capable of doing that but it must be really hard to see that person smile when everything is just crumbling inside you.

I believe what you're feeling must be part of the emotional rollercoaster. The pain has a weird mechanic of fading. It leaves you alone for sometime, then come back stronger, then leave you alone for a longer time, than come back even strong and so on. Each time it goes, it takes away some part of your soul.
My turn to tell you to hang in there. Even though, you're the one that suffers the most, you're also the one who make the calls. You have the upper hand, I understand how you wish that you didn't have to be in that position, but at least the person who gets to stir the relationship now is you.

I do understand what you mean by my chance of starting over. I believe that my life lies ahead of me, and I'm intending to get the best out of it.

I hear you TDSC, I believe in the power of entropy. Time erodes everything good or bad, at least in my situation, things can only go uphill from this point.
I don't seek to feel the void with other people. I actually despise this reasoning. I just wanted to see how people that have been there longer than me manage to make the healing process lighter and less painful in itself.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

WS is back in the house, but I feel that void you're talking about. He's a complete stranger to me and I've been with him twenty years. I feel bored, empty, I get that feeling you're talking about. It's weird.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> WS is back in the house, but I feel that void you're talking about. He's a complete stranger to me and I've been with him twenty years. I feel bored, empty, I get that feeling you're talking about. It's weird.


How long have you been working on reconciliation ? Did you talk about what you feel to your husband ?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Torrivien said:


> How long have you been working on reconciliation ? Did you talk about what you feel to your husband ?


Well, discovery of a drunken ONS that happened nine years ago came out about a year ago. We have struggled an entire year, I have been trickle truthed and we've been to numerous counselors. He's still withholding information, personally I think it was numerous times and with several different women, all former coworkers. He has failed a poly. The more time goes by the less and less connected to him I feel. So I'd say reconciliation isn't going very well for us. We separated for a couple weeks recently, he ended up moving back in. I swear I saw him almost as much with the kids' activities as I did when he wasn't here. He just wasn't sleeping here. Total slap of reality.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Well, discovery of a drunken ONS that happened nine years ago came out about a year ago. We have struggled an entire year, I have been trickle truthed and we've been to numerous counselors. He's still withholding information, personally I think it was numerous times and with several different women, all former coworkers. He has failed a poly. The more time goes by the less and less connected to him I feel. So I'd say reconciliation isn't going very well for us. We separated for a couple weeks recently, he ended up moving back in. I swear I saw him almost as much with the kids' activities as I did when he wasn't here. He just wasn't sleeping here. Total slap of reality.


Yes Hurting, I fully remember your thread and posts now.
I'm surprised you don't throw up on him everytime you see him. But I understand that you have to be strong for the kids.

Does he show other traits of compulsive lying ?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Torrivien said:


> Yes Hurting, I fully remember your thread and posts now.
> I'm surprised you don't throw up on him everytime you see him. But I understand that you have to be strong for the kids.
> 
> Does he show other traits of compulsive lying ?


Well... We've been together for twenty years, married seventeen. I thought I knew him very well?!? :scratchhead: But, when I look back... He's lied to me about things like he told me he had quit smoking, but was smoking behind my back at work. He was getting pain killers from his coworker I suspect he had an affair with. That's a pretty big deception. He hid it well. I had no clue. The cheating has been the big one, though. I had NO CLUE about his ONS back in 2003. We had just come back from a huge family vacation to Walt Disney world. Have a photo album full of us all with big huge smiles... Him holding our youngest... Standing with our oldest in the spot he asked me to marry him at, yep! :scratchhead:


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

The general feeling I get is that your husband has an issue of telling the truth (big issue when you refuse to admit the lies proven by a poly). Most waywards would have backed out by the threat of taking that test but he went to take it and still won't admit after the results.

It's a messed up mechanism and I'm sorry to say that I believe he'd cheat again since the only truth he commits to is the one that he makes up. What would refrain him from doing it again if he doesn't any problem to deny it when it will be discovered ?

But to tell you the truth, this isn't the thing that annoys me the most about his behavior. When reading wayward's posts, I always see that the major hold from doing it again and seeing what dday made to their spouses. Your husband doesn't seem to show any empathy whatsoever.

Reconciliation is about choosing to accept the wayward's remorse and regrets not to tolerate his bad traits.


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