# How do you stay outta your own head??



## amyjohnston (Jul 13, 2014)

Hello,
Currently I am out of my family home AGAIN in an 18 yr marriage, this is the third time, i believe.
my spouse has been emotional abusive for years, the emotions seem very unregulated and get taken out on me. 
the first time this happened, i was nothing short of in shock, we went to counseling and i stupidly thought that was that. I thought it was random outburst and since they were taught "tools" that was resolved. 
OH GOD, i was so wrong. seems to be because I "allowed it" to them it meant i was fine with it. and the usual chaos ensued.

Anyway, How does one keep there head away from "wishing" everything was different? It clogs my brain and sometimes prevents me from my path. It feels so desperate and unrealistic to me that its nothing short of wishing for a big check and balloons to show up at my door. Or is it normal? If so, how long for that to pass? Its been 4 months since i have left. I have days where I own my power and self, other days I want to call them and just say, "STOP IT, there's too much time invested, these were suppose to be the years w/out children...WTF are you doing?" then i realize how stupid that is as it would fall on deaf ears.
I am asking spouse to take responsibility for their actions in the relationship, to see how damaging it has become to me...that's all. something so small but so huge to me, that I can only surmise they are very aware and just doesn't want to change. 

there are these little things that they come forward with...like making appointment for counseling...but then if i speak my mind about my feelings to them..im attacked. its a matter of shut up and do it my way or go away. I have done that to the point of low self esteem and can not/ will not do that anymore.

thanks in advance


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening amyjohnson
sometimes your thoughts are really sending you a message. You are unhappy in your marriage, and it sounds like it is for very good reasons. Life SHOULD be happy. 

I don't know enough about your situation, but are you in a position to do anything? Is a divorce an option?


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## amyjohnston (Jul 13, 2014)

hello richardsharpe,

Thank you for the reply, its much appreciated right now. I guess i'm living in the "what if?" world right now. Everything has been so sporadic, including these outbursts, that on bad days one wants to live in the "good days". 
I just got done reading the abuse post that took a disabled women 2 1/2 years to "get it" and was put through much worse...but many of the same tactics as my spouse.
I guess it just ruminates in my head because they are 50 yrs old, injured, probable head injury, kids just grown and out of house and they are alone, alone. From someone who cant be alone.
Maybe sometimes when they have figured out that you have figured it out..they disengage more. I can't say that it may have had some effect in the past but not this time. They know what I'm asking for now is much different than before, but still can't help but play some of the same games...not all, but more than half.
I have told them their behavior is like them raping me and then blaming me for "making " them rape me. I don't know if this is manipulation, emotionally immature, or if it even matters. 
Things are in such a way now, if they call I don't return the call until i feel sentimental...just for the @$$hole reminder, always works.
I doubt many people got married thinking i will be with this person for 10 years then divorce, but i really didn't think spouse would refuse to grow. not just refuse..fight,lie,manipulate...alot of energy instead of growing and keeping marriage together. They don't even get that they aren't fighting me...my line is drawn. they are just standing outside my line screaming about a line. looks weird.

Divorce option is coming more into focus everyday. I am out of state and my items are in house so until they are removed ...i will play a little nicer. I have mentioned divorce numerous times, they say they will not sign. currently, that's the difference between 160 dollars and possible lawyers.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening amyjohnson
by "them" do you mean "him"? (if english isn't your primary language, "them" is used for multiple other people"). I'm not picking at your English, just want to be sure I'm not misunderstanding something important. For now I'll assume you are just talking about 1 person. 

I think the key test is to ask yourself: "are you happy when you are with him?". If the answer is usually "no" (and I expect it is), then you should leave. If he really loves you, he wouldn't want you to be unhappy either. 

It sounds like he may be a typical manipulative abuser. If so, just leave. There are many wonderful people out there for you.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening badsanta
I think some good deeds are rewarded and many people do have happy lives. Note "happy" not perfect. No one should stay with an abusive partner .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you stay out of your own head.

Write down a list of why you have left.

When you get into the 'what if' mode, read the list. Read it and remember the reality of your situation.

Next, have a list of good thing that you want in your life in the next five years.. not things that include your abusive husband.

So then after read the good things. You can also image a favorite thing in your life. For me it's walking in the waves on a beach with a breeze. I image that in my minds eye and enjoy the peace of it.

This is calls though re-directing. You can stop any fanaticizing about what-if by doing this. Just stop thinking about it. Your husband has proven that he is not going to change. So its time to start moving on.


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## amyjohnston (Jul 13, 2014)

Thank you all,

I have been journaling. I have made the list of things i am grateful for, it has helped. When i read the things I wanted in my life, they are the things I currently have. They are things that i wanted for me, for us, in the marriage. I guess life rarely hands you all that you want.  and maybe sometimes for the best. I take great solace in that in the midst of all the crazy making that i did choose to put myself in a safe and loving environment that allows me to explore more about just me and finally focus on me in a day to day setting. So while I feel "broken" I know that i still have enough good judgement to make healthy choices for myself, at least at this moment.

I have been very angry at ex and wanting validation on their very ugly behavior. how they have hurt me and "done me wrong" so to speak. Last night it popped into my head that while what they did was horrible and abusive, how I had let myself down and "done me wrong" was much more damaging. I let me down more than anyone. I can tell you all how it was water on a stone or the frog in water...but i didn't take care of me. This is not a shame to me..it feels like a starting point. I wish things were different but patterns are set and I am aware that I am starting a new chapter in my life, even if my heart doesn't always acknowledge it. I am gone, I am living a independent life.
Even through I can view how toxic the bad times were and are, i feel scared and sad about accepting the loss. A loss implies, to me, a part removed, something that's now just no longer there, it implies, to me, non empowering and negative. People lose loved ones, people lose a battle with an illness. If i am leaving to be healthy again, that feels positive, responsible. I get these things i guess are semantical word play games, but they evoke very different feelings for me. Hope that make sense, im muddling through alot of self realization moments right now.

By the way, I got my apology from them. While i liked the validation, if felt hollow. It felt like a bunch of work on my part for something that i knew cost them very little and don't know if they meant it. IF i weren't me and i just read that line it would appear as a person who asked for something and not okay after they get it but its really not like that. i guess i thought that was the magic cure or a sign of repair ability. I don't believe it is now. Love and loving doesn't require such lengths (on both parts) to say sorry. 
Thank you all again and hope the holidays are warm and loving for all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no magic pill to take for the emotions that come with a separation/divorce and dealing with emotional abuse after many years.

It takes time.

Of course you feel out of sorts - t his is the third time this has happened (separation) and you feel lost/confused. 

Busy yourself with work/hobbies/friends/family. Get therapy if you need it. Exercise. Talk to people.. Go someplace new. Try a new dish.

Figure out if you are going to divorce or not. 

Make plans and do them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

amyjohnston said:


> I have been very angry at ex and wanting validation on their very ugly behavior. how they have hurt me and "done me wrong" so to speak. .


With emotional abusers, you will likely never get the validation you seek for their behavior. You are lucky yours apologized. Most never do.

Abuse escalates over time. Good thing you are getting out.


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