# proactive instead of reactive



## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

I have been out of the home for 25 days now. I have been trying to be there for her when she calls. Last Friday she calls and tells me I need to sign the car over and gives me a bunch of grief over it. Saturday she found a breakthrough about her dad, She explained that she would like to talk to me about what she realized that was hurting her for a long time and didnt want to even go to their house for a birthday so she called me and asked if I can take my daughter. I reluctantly said sure, my son woke and she called back and asked if he can go too. I then said NO, I felt at the time she needed to step up to the plate and take them. I have been feeling horrible that I lost the point of communication with her and lost a valuable piece of helping us resolve our issues. I called her Sunday and explained I had a bad week and was willing to talk about her past and she told me she found a friend to listen and then buried those feelings away, if I bring them up again then she is going to hang up the phone. Now granted when she needs someone to talk to I am there but when I need to talk to her about my things she always tells me I need to find someone to lean on. How can I be more proactive in getting the communication door open again. I don't call her for silly things at all. But I feel the need to be proactive and talking to her like that on Saturday was being reactive, which I am trying to improve myself on. Alot of people around me see a "different me, better me" coming out of my shell. I do think she notices but doesnt trust me to turn to my old self. Actions speak louder than words I know. I have to get the kids tomorrow night, Do I say anything to her or just get them and walk away? So confused.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Why did you separate in the first place?

Whatever changes that have been done will take time to be recognized from her. Don't mention how you've changed just show her.

I think you should be cordial and friendly when you pick up the kids. Talk about kids issues not relationship issues around the kids. Save it for later.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

we both brought stuff from childhood into the marriage of 13 years. I brought anger/verbal abuse and she brought trust/anger too. When we fought I would never want to talk about it after, let it go so to speak. WRONG!!! I know now. Neither of us ever cheated, we dont' drink or drugs and always did things together as a family so this is a shock to EVERYONE!! This thing she found out on Saturday was a HUGE deal to us, now she says I have confirmed me never being there for her. I recently found out she was breaking this off over a year ago but never told anyone. Fathers day this year unfortunately we fought and that was the last straw. I moved out on Aug 7th and she told me she seen a lawyer the next day. I haven't received anything yet, but expect to soon. I asked to hold off for 6 months or so, she said it would just make things harder then. I am going to keep my head up and trudge forward. I am doing so much to change my life, therapy, parent classes, anger classes, church etc. She does notice and tells others that it is great I am geting my life together for me and the kids and that someday I will make someone else happy and have more kids. She knows that I don't want that. But calls for no reason even after Sundays talk. Still so confused, thank god therapy tonight. Usually a few hours after she calls me for something. last week she was crying and asked what she did to be such a horrible wife? The week before she cryed and said she pushes everyone out of her life and no one ever puts her first. I hope the call comes again tonight.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Tryintoo,

Keep doing the things you are doing to improve yourself. Believe me, it takes time to really reach deep inside yourself to discover the core reason or reasons of why you do things. It will be emotionally draining at times and might lead to unexpected issues. I know it did for me. It took a lot of soul searching and work with our marriage counselor (in individual sessions) to get there. 

With respect to your anger issues. I suggest the book "The Dance with Anger" by Harriett Lerner. I too had/have an anger issue. I rarely got angry (kept it in) as a coping mechanism and avoided conflict because I was afraid of what I might say or how I said it. So to keep from hurting my w, I bottled up. This lead to withdrawal from her. Does that sound familiar? Just curious. This book helped me understand why I did this. And you can't start permanent change until you understand why. I also had discovered my trigger mechanisms for why I coped like this. Now I am on a good path in dealing with my w, my son and others in my life. So I highly recommend it.

Don't let your "pride" get in the way either. Pride is overrated. Again speaking form experience. Speak your truth to your wife, but firmly, gently and with kindness.

Pride is most likely why you said No on Sunday. I know I've felt like that, not anymore.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

THANK YOU I will look into that book for sure. I always thought of others first and when I reacted it felt good for the moment. But hurt afterwards. I do bottle it up and burst later, not a good thing so now I talk if something is bothering me, whether it is with her or a friend. However this turns out I still know she isnt sleeping well and is feeling down. It is not an easy thing for any of us including the ones that filed for divorce. We are all part of marriage and feel the issues at hand are serious or we wouldnt be here. I am trying so hard to get to the point of making good choices but this roller coaster is bad. I do not have outbursts anymore and I think I am starting to prove that to everyone. I do have a long road ahead and will be challenged all the time. As long as I can handle each one individually with compassion and honesty I think I will be alright. God knows what I want, everyone does too, even her. it is going to be up to her to make that decision. I only hope that none of her friends are swaying the vote. I do not like some for different reasons and they probably know that but I can only hope that they see OUR best interest. 
thanks


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes it is a rollercoaster. I'm on it. Things will happen that will test your resolve, some intentional, some not. You will have to not immediately react to do the right thing. 

Regarding getting your kids. Just because you are seperated doesn't mean you shouldn't be cordial and nice to her. Not sarcastically, just say hope your doing well and have a good night.

You can't worry about the other friends. You can't control them, so why worry. All you can do is control yourself.


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

I am totally polite, cordial, calm and nice to her whether on the phone or in person. The best interest is for the children. That is why I am getting the help I need, a better me is better for everyone. I am not totally convinced this is what she wants and neither is everyone else. Do I believe she went to the lawyer YES!! is she going through with this, I havent got anything yet. Though I might jinx myself. When something happens that I feel bad about I try to overcompensate, not good to do I know. But I feel if I do not talk when she calls then she will get more distant. I want to try "tough love" so bad but right now I can't.


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