# Newlywed and sexless



## Newlywed2019

Ok I'm looking to see if anyone else is in a similar situation. I've turned to the internet because I really do not have anyone in a 3rd party position that I can look to.

My new husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. We dated for 4, engaged for 1.5, and recently married in the past few weeks. 

Sex was kind of like a taboo topic. It was discussed only a handful of times and the discussion was quickly terminated by him. The entire time prior to wedding, at his request, we abstained til marriage. I love him so much, that I was willing to meet this request for him. And I dont regret that. However, since weve been married, we still havent had sex. Ive tried to initiate it, but kissing is met with small packs on the lips, touching is brief and not sensual, but hardest of all is the rejection I feel. I dont have confidence and I'm more depressed and crying a few times a day especially after I try to turn him on and it goes no where.

I'm nervous (I have terrible anxiety and I'm fearing more rejection) and I'm having alot of trouble gaining courage to talk to him about how unhappy I am.

I know talking is probably the number one solution, but i want to see if anyone else has had this problem before and what all they have done to solve it.


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## notmyjamie

Well, I'm sure you're aware that this is not normal for newlyweds. Before you started abstaining in preparation for the wedding, how was your sex life? If everything was great before then and now it's not, something has happened to change him. I suspect though that things were not fine prior to stopping. He could have been using the upcoming wedding as an excuse to avoid sex with you. 

The best way to figure this out is to talk to him about it. There are many reasons a man doesn't want sex including stress, low testosterone, an affair, too much masturbation/porn, performance fears, homosexuality, and more etc. You won't know unless he'll talk to you about it. If he wont' talk to you about it tell him it will seriously threaten your new marriage. 

I'm sorry your marriage is starting out this way. I'm sure it hurts a lot. I urge you to figure it out now before you waste a lot more years on this man. I wasted 22 years with my husband and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.


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## SpinyNorman

notmyjamie said:


> Well, I'm sure you're aware that this is not normal for newlyweds. Before you started abstaining in preparation for the wedding, how was your sex life? If everything was great before then and now it's not, something has happened to change him. I suspect though that things were not fine prior to stopping. He could have been using the upcoming wedding as an excuse to avoid sex with you.
> 
> The best way to figure this out is to talk to him about it. There are many reasons a man doesn't want sex including stress, low testosterone, an affair, too much masturbation/porn, performance fears, homosexuality, and more etc. You won't know unless he'll talk to you about it. If he wont' talk to you about it tell him it will seriously threaten your new marriage.
> 
> I'm sorry your marriage is starting out this way. I'm sure it hurts a lot. I urge you to figure it out now before you waste a lot more years on this man. I wasted 22 years with my husband and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.


Reading the OP I thought they'd never had sex, reading this you seem to think they had sex but stopped a while prior to the wedding. Only TS can tell us which is right. 

So I have that one question, the rest of your post I agree with.


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## Cynthia

He deceived you into marrying him. He is not interested in having sex. Both of these are reasons for an annulment. I am very sorry you are in this position and I can imagine you are heartbroken. This is not your fault. This is all on him. As a woman in my 50's, with lots of life experience, I can safely say that the issues you are facing are not yours to resolve. They are all on him. The fact that he is shutting you down when you try to talk to him is enough to go seek legal assistance and get an annulment immediately. Do not try to talk to him about it further. You are speaking to a brick wall and he doesn't care. Run.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

He may have sex abuse in his past, low testosterone, is gay, who knows.
None of which is your problem. If he doesn't want to address it, and you want to give him one more chance.
Talk to a lawyer, get the papers, and tell him you either start effing me like you mean it, or get the eff out.

Hand him the papers, and info on a counselor you have picked out. Tell him the time of the appointment.
Tell him, "We either are gonna talk about our sex life together with counselor, OR, I will talk to counselor by myself on moving on as a divorced person"

Don't waste any more time.


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## BioFury

Are either of you religious? What reason did he give for waiting for marriage?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable are you with confrontation? Would you describe yourself as more of a push-over, or strong-willed?


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## notmyjamie

SpinyNorman said:


> Reading the OP I thought they'd never had sex, reading this you seem to think they had sex but stopped a while prior to the wedding. Only TS can tell us which is right.
> 
> So I have that one question, the rest of your post I agree with.


You’re right, I may have misinterpreted. If OP and her husband have never had sex I recommend a deep discussion with him. If he continues to avoid both the discussion and sex I recommend an annulment. Even my husband, who turned out to be gay/bi wanted lots of sex for the first 13 years we were together. 

I feel for you OP. This will not be an easy problem for you to fix.


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## Cynthia

notmyjamie said:


> I feel for you OP. This will not be an easy problem for you to fix.


She literally cannot fix it, because it is not her problem to fix. It is his problem and he has been hiding it all these years. Now he won't even talk about it. I don't see any point whatsoever in trying to discuss it further.

If you tell him he either has sex with you or it's over, he may try to placate you for a short while, but then not continue. That could rule out an annulment, which is much better than divorce. If he won't have sex with you, you don't need a divorce. You need an actual annulment.

A problem like this would likely take years to resolve and you wouldn't have anything to do with the resolution. This is something inside of him, not something you are doing or anything about you. Furthermore, maybe he doesn't think this is a problem that needs fixing. And maybe it's not. Some people don't have a sex drive and that is perfectly fine as long as they don't deceive someone into marrying and don't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

I cannot imagine being a young newlywed and my husband not wanting sex. It's beyond ridiculous for him to lead you to believe this would change after marriage, when he obviously knew full well that was not the case. It would be different if he had talked to you about this before marriage and you two agreed, but instead he lied to you.

How old are you @Newlywed2019?

I'm very sorry you are going through this. It must be heartbreaking. No wonder you are anxious. This isn't your fault. You need to get away from him, get some therapy to help you work through this, and move on with your life far away from this man.


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## notmyjamie

CynthiaDe said:


> She literally cannot fix it, because it is not her problem to fix. It is his problem and he has been hiding it all these years. Now he won't even talk about it. I don't see any point whatsoever in trying to discuss it further.


You're absolutely right of course. I more meant not easy for her because she is so newly married so the idea of divorce would be very difficult. I can't imagine being married for only a few weeks and then facing the need for an annulment. It must be very overwhelming.

But, @Newlywed2019 now is the time to take action. You do not want to find yourself 20 years from now wishing you had taken your life back, believe me. BTDT didn't even get a mug and it's much worse situation to be in.


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## Mr.Married

You will be slowly crushed ..... ever so slowly.....into an oblivion of misery and resentment.

Sex is a way in which you feel loved as a wife ..... you are being cheated out of your marriage.

As the years go by you will even question your own self worth.

Don't do it .... just don't do it .......SAVE YOURSELF NOW !


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## snerg

Newlywed2019 said:


> However, since weve been married, we still havent had sex. .


So the marriage hasn't been consummated yet?

Seek annulment, like yesterday.


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## Marc878

Get out now. You can't fix this.

Stop wasting your time and life on this fruitless venture.

The only one keeping you in this is yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt

My guess is he's either asexual or gay.

Neither one of these possibilities makes for an acceptable outcome (unless you're ok with being roommates).

Otherwise, I'd run so fast he'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.


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## SunCMars

You married a shell.

A hollow male apparition. 
Yes, he looks presentable on the outside.

His brain is working....somewhat.

His penis is missing important circuitry.
It leaks water, does not pass the _'Semen', First Class,_ row the man in the boat, test.

Maybe he thinks his hand is the answer.

I suspect he is very handy around the house.
Especially, when he is alone dealing with that hard fact.





[THM]- King Brian


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## SunCMars

...


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## jetpilot37

This is the almost exact same scenario that I found myself in with my now ex-wife. 

I did a lot of research on this and found that more than likely this sort of behavior is a manifestation of childhood sexual abuse. What happens is when you start getting more committed, getting closer in the form of an engagement and then marriage, this starts to feel more like and remind them of the closeness felt in a family situation. When the person that abused them was a family member, they subconsciously see you as the abuser and pull away. Not everyone that was abused follows this type of behavior but almost every scenario like this is the result of past abuse. 
This was the most miserable seven years of my life and it’s easy to get strung along in this situation because they will “promise to do better”, they will start putting it on you to “make some changes”. The next thing you know you look up and time has gone by, time one can’t get back. 

One piece of advice that I would give that I DID NOT follow was to set a very firm boundary in the form of time. If this isn’t better in six months (or whatever is appropriate for you) you need to be gone. No if‘s and‘s or but’s. 

In a lot of states if six months has already gone by like in your case, that’s too late for an annulment. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wilson

So sorry to hear what you're going through. I think you should come to terms with the fact that your relationship with this man will likely always be sexless. So maybe that means you divorce and be friends, or stay in a platonic marriage, or something else like that. It's certainly worth trying to fix things, but make sure you are not deluding yourself about the situation. Trying to fix it is like Sisyphus trying to roll the rock up the hill. It will be a continual struggle and his natural inclination will be to revert back to this platonic relationship. Don't spend your whole life trying to achieve something which is extremely unlikely to happen.


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## Ursula

Okay, so you’ve been with this man for 6 years, never really talked about sex, never had sex, and now you’re wondering why it’s not happening? Like, you haven’t had sex with him once?

Sex is a natural order of things once you’re in a committed relationship, unless religion/culture dictate that it’s not to be done prior to marriage. Is that the case here?

I’m sorry to say, but I feel like you’ve made your bed, and now you either get to put up with a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, or you get to divorce/annul and find someone else. 

Could your husband be gay? Is he on the spectrum?


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## Holdingontoit

Do not waste time exploring the reasons why your husband is this way. The reason doesn't matter. Don't be fooled into thinking that if you discover the reason, then you will also discover a solution for how to get him to behave differently. If he has deep seated psychological issues with sex (which we all can assure you - he does), it will likely take years of therapy for him to feel differently. If he ever does. Do not stick around for years waiting around to see if he will go to therapy, or take it seriously, or if it will work. 

Do not treat him agreeing to see a therapist as a major victory and a sign of how much he loves you. Easy to start going, and then stop. Or go but never make any progress. Or make progress understanding WHY he hates he idea of sex but never get to a place where he stops hating the idea of sex.

You should leave now. If he wants to be in a sexual relationship with a woman, he can get started on the hard work. But you should not volunteer to be that woman. You should go find a man who wants to have sex with you NOW. 

Remember, if you are asked to "wait until marriage" by a guy who actually has a sex drive and can tolerate sex once married, then you will come back from your honeymoon bow-legged, sore, and with a huge smile on your face. Any guy who waited until marriage and then did NOT hump like a bunny the entire honeymoon has very very deep seated problems with sex that you, as his wife, have almost zero ability to resolve for him.

Wishing you wise judgment and good luck.


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## Holdingontoit

Adding second message to address a related but different topic. Is lack o sex sufficient reason to leave your spouse even if "everything else" is wonderful? Yes. It is. Period. Full stop.

If you have to pick one area to disagree on, sex is by far the WORST irreconcilable difference to have with your spouse. Because it is the only area where you pledged absolute fidelity. If you husband does not enjoy sushi or chick flicks or getting a facial, you can call up one of your girlfriends and go fulfill your need for those things without jeopardizing your marriage. But if you ask him for permission to "outsource" your need for sex, you are basically asking to break your marital vows.

And if you think you can go the rest of your life without sex, while staying married to this guy, without generating massive frustration, resentment and eventual hatred for your husband, then think again. You can't. No one who shows up here complaining about the lack of sex can do that. Oh yes, some of us have stayed without our low drive or asexual spouses for years or decades. But all of us are the worse for it. And every one of us would urge you not to join our "club". If you do, then you will end up hating yourself most of all.

Don't feel bad that you are getting such negative advice here. Rejoice that we are providing you with justification for doing what you know you should do. Have no regrets. Annulling your marriage is the biggest gift you will ever give yourself. Absolutely, positively for sure.


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## MattMatt

@Newlywed2019 There are several issues here. All of them laid at the feet of your husband.

I would suggest couple's counselling.

And if this cannot, in a fairly short period of time, fix his issues and problems, then I would suggest you look into seeking an annulment.


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## personofinterest

I didn't have sex before marriage,so that part of my story is different from yours. The rest is eerily similar. We DID consummate, but even on our honeymon he would stay up late to try to "wait me out" until I gave up and went to bed.

This NEVER gets better. Let me say that again: there is absolutely NO marriage approach, book, guru, blah blah that will fix this and give you a sexual marriage. NONE

I spent nearly 2 decades believing I was a freak, crazy, ugly, invisible, and unworthy.

I wasn't.

PLEASE do not be me.


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## uhtred

Its not going to get better. 

OP, you can decide if you can be happy in a sexless life of not. Only you can know that. Most people will not be. Please don't assume this will ever get better - its been years, there is no reason at all to think it will change. It doesn't matter why (gay, asexual etc), it just is.


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## BioFury

personofinterest said:


> I didn't have sex before marriage,so that part of my story is different from yours. The rest is eerily similar. We DID consummate, but even on our honeymon he would stay up late to try to "wait me out" until I gave up and went to bed.
> 
> This NEVER gets better. Let me say that again: there is absolutely NO marriage approach, book, guru, blah blah that will fix this and give you a sexual marriage. NONE
> 
> I spent nearly 2 decades believing I was a freak, crazy, ugly, invisible, and unworthy.
> 
> I wasn't.
> 
> PLEASE do not be me.


You abstained for before marriage for religious reasons?

If I may ask, were there any red flags that you didn't recognize in the courtship phase, that indicated what was to come?


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## Talk2Me

Everyone is talking about an annulment but you need to start with a conversation. Lack of sex is a major reason to leave a marriage. It is the number one reason I left my ex-wife and am now with a someone that enjoys sex as much as I do. That said, something is def. wrong with your relationship. You need to address this immediately. I don't think it needs to be confrontational but maybe a conversation of concern. He def. has something going on. You should have consummated your marriage rather quickly. He may suffer from Low-T as someone else had mentioned or maybe he has another relationship? Could be just a pure lack of sexual desire but either way you need to figure out what you're willing to cope with.


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be very disappointing. 

I'm not sure if you're a forceful take charge person. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are going to have to be proactive and take the initiative in resolving this issue. i suggest being calm civil and loving - but firm. It's not just about sexual pleasure it's also about having a family. Your fighting for your right to have kids. 

True, he should have told you if he has issues with sex (or physical intimacy). However, although sex is important it's also often very difficult to discuss. Maybe he was hoping for a miracle on his wedding night. If you guys can't discuss sex, then put it down on paper or text message - and insist he respond immediately. 

1 - time to be direct: ask if he's gay
2 - if he's not gay, ask if he wants to be married to you (and have a family)
3 - if the answer is yes, then assure him that you will stand by him as long as he seeks treatment to correct the emotional/mental or physical problem
4 - however, treatment must commence immediately and you must have access to the therapist for updates on his progress

Under the circumstances I suggest a therapist specializing in sexual dysfunction. It's primarily a group session type of program where they go into much detail (including religious issues) and cover every physical act imaginable, including how to relax and setting the mood - and i promise you will enjoy his homework assignments. There is homework after each session. 

If it turns out he also has a medical issue then this will surface and he can be treated by a doctor. IMO the sex therapy group sessions are a must even if it turns out to be a medical issue because he owes you his 'A' game. 

It's difficult to find a specialist in sex therapy so expect to make a few calls to get referrals.

I wish you well. Please continue to check in and let us know his/your progress. Sharing the good/bad is our strength and enables us to help each other.


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## Congress

Newlywed and sexless, 


First, I would like to say I am so sorry. That is not a pleasant life.


Second, couples counseling would be the way to go.


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## Cynthia

The reason I recommend annulment is because the marriage has not been consummated. If the marriage is consummated, you may lose your opportunity for annulment. 

For goodness sakes, this is not only about sex. There is no basic human, marital affection. No kissing. Nothing. What kind of marriage is this? It's not a marriage. You are not bound to him under these circumstances.

In a situation like this where he has lied for years and refuses to talk about it, I think it would be foolhardy to go to counseling or try anything. He is clearly unconcerned for your feelings or he would not have tricked you into marrying him. That is enough to end this. The marriage is not based on mutual love and respect. He is a liar and has defrauded you. I'm sorry to be so blunt and I know this must be agonizing for you, but you've got to face reality if you are going to start to heal. Run from this trainwreck and start fresh.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

CynthiaDe said:


> The reason I recommend annulment is because the marriage has not been consummated. If the marriage is consummated, you may lose your opportunity for annulment.
> 
> In a situation like this where he has lied for years and refuses to talk about it, I think it would be foolhardy to go to counseling or try anything. He is clearly unconcerned for your feelings or he would not have tricked you into marrying him. That is enough to end this. The marriage is not based on mutual love and respect.* He* is a liar and *has defrauded you.* I'm sorry to be so blunt and I know this must be agonizing for you, but you've got to face reality if you are going to start to heal. Run from this trainwreck and start fresh.



That should be enough for a decision right there. No need to think about it any deeper than that.


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## notmyjamie

Robert22205 said:


> 1 - time to be direct: ask if he's gay
> 2 - if he's not gay, ask if he wants to be married to you (and have a family)


Unfortunately, it's not that simple. There are many men who identify as straight. They connect emotionally with women, they want a wife and a family and the straight life. Unfortunately, they also prefer sex with men. So they will tell you they are straight because they don't want a relationship with a man, hell, they don't even want to kiss a man (that's gross!) but over time they have more and more trouble having sex with women. Because deep down, they want a man.

So if she asks if he's gay he may well say no but in reality he is not having sex with her because he's not attracted to her, even though he does honestly love her. OP, you need to ask if he's ever had sex with a man or had sexual thoughts about men, or if he watches gay porn. If he hesitates or tells you he's "just curious" or confused due to some past sexual abuse, RUN to the nearest lawyer and get the hell out, now. The "past sexual abuse has me confused" line is like textbook gay in denial husband speak. 

I seriously hope for your sake this is not the problem. But if it is, I hope you find out now...while you are still young and don't have children with him. You don't want to have to deal with it when you're in your 40's or 50's with children.


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## personofinterest

BioFury said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> I didn't have sex before marriage,so that part of my story is different from yours. The rest is eerily similar. We DID consummate, but even on our honeymon he would stay up late to try to "wait me out" until I gave up and went to bed.
> 
> This NEVER gets better. Let me say that again: there is absolutely NO marriage approach, book, guru, blah blah that will fix this and give you a sexual marriage. NONE
> 
> I spent nearly 2 decades believing I was a freak, crazy, ugly, invisible, and unworthy.
> 
> I wasn't.
> 
> PLEASE do not be me.
> 
> 
> 
> You abstained for before marriage for religious reasons?
> 
> If I may ask, were there any red flags that you didn't recognize in the courtship phase, that indicated what was to come?
Click to expand...

There were, but our church and his training was such that it was easy to mask it as "purity" and "conviction."

Ugh...it STILL triggers sometimes


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## uhtred

I didn't "like" because that is the wrong word. I completely agree with what you are saying. 

Sex is a critical part of a happy marriage. Its stupid not to learn about it before making a life-long commitment. 



personofinterest said:


> There were, but our church and his training was such that it was easy to mask it as "purity" and "conviction."
> 
> Ugh...it STILL triggers sometimes


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## BioFury

personofinterest said:


> There were, but our church and his training was such that it was easy to mask it as "purity" and "conviction."
> 
> Ugh...it STILL triggers sometimes


Sorry, my intent was not to bring back bad memories. I'm waiting for marriage, so I thought you might be able to alert me to some of the red flags you experienced.

Glad things are better for you now


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## personofinterest

BioFury said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> 
> There were, but our church and his training was such that it was easy to mask it as "purity" and "conviction."
> 
> Ugh...it STILL triggers sometimes
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry, my intent was not to bring back bad memories. I'm waiting for marriage, so I thought you might be able to alert me to some of the red flags you experienced.
> 
> Glad things are better for you now <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
Click to expand...

 Oh I am fine. Don't worry about that period i would say the red flags were that he didn't seem to want to kiss me or make out all that much, he didn't really want to talk about the sexual relationship after marriage, he had never really had a serious girlfriend with whom he was tempted to cross boundaries. He experience to know timptation with me. I believe a person can save themselves for marriage and have a sexually fulfilling marital life. However, i don't believe it will be easy for someone with a normal sexual drive and desire. My ex husband had no problem with it at all. These are things should have alerted me



Of course, the fact that he was involved in a weirdly close friendship with another guy that caused a bit of a scandal in his job should have also alerted me, but that is another story lol


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