# Still Love My Wife...



## inlovewithwife (May 6, 2012)

I would have never thought I would be posting online for advice about marriage or relationships. I’ve always thought I knew the ingredients to a healthy relationship – most of all I thought I knew how to choose the right partner that shared the same recipe. I don’t know if any of you can shed some light but here goes nothin’. I apologize for the long post but I want to give as much detail about my situation as possible.

Let me start by saying that this post isn’t a plea to figure out how I can get my wife to put out more (although that bonus would be nice). I understand that intimacy doesn’t have to end in the bed. In point of fact, after so many discussions/arguments, my wife will make bedroom time up to several times a week but it’s not at all in the way I would think two people in love would engage. It’s an act, a task to cross off for her long list of things to do. Sure she will “gear” herself up for it but I never feel like she’s truly there for the enjoyment of it. I am an open person and no fool that thinks he’s got all the bedroom answers but do have considerable experience. I used to feel confident in the bedroom but over the past 10 years or so that confidence has be whittled down to nothing. I try to talk to her and ask if there is anything I can do differently – just trying it in the bedroom doesn’t work, I always get “what are you doing” or “don’t do that I don’t like it” – but talking about it only results in a bad ending. 

Intimacy has many layers. A hand hold, a kiss, telling each they look nice, a stroll, sitting on the couch together; at least that’s what I believe. These things are all but nonexistent in our marriage. If I come up behind her just to give her a hug, if it lasts longer than a few seconds I’m bothering her. Coming up in front of her for a smooch is against the law and even if she does feel like reciprocating it absolutely cannot last longer that a quick hug and a peck. Sex is a controlled substance. I definitely cannot or at least never try to initiate anymore – one gets tired of being turned down. Sex only occurs under two circumstances – 1. If she feels like she has the time. – OR - 2. If she feels like it’s about that time I should get it. Here’s a typical scenario of how that plays out…

I am working (I work from home) and she will be doing her thing, chores what have you – many times talking on the phone with her friends. She goes and showers, then comes down, stands by my desk and says “You ready?” or “Are you ready for a lunch break?” Sometimes she just calls down from upstairs with “I’m ready.” You can see the position I’m put in. If I say I’m busy, Lord knows when I’ll be allowed the opportunity again, if I express my discomfort about how it’s being initiated it won’t happen, so I’m pretty much in an ultimatum situation. Do it or go without; so I schlep upstairs and get prepared. I’ve even gotten this as we try to engage – “Why aren’t you hard?” – Sorry, forgot to hit the “On” button on my way up and I’ve said as much on occasion.

As well, she will telegraph it by telling me how much she has to do so if we want to fit in some “us” time it has to be within a certain time frame. If I say that I don’t want to be “under the gun” she says, “It doesn’t always have to be a production. It can be a quicky too.” I almost always feel very low, almost used, and like I should be leaving some money on the nightstand. Which is another thing by the way, any sex outside the bedroom is like getting to see a meteor falling to earth. Rare and doesn’t last long because she can’t get “comfortable” on the couch or the stairs, or anywhere spontaneous. Sure she will put in the effort once and a while but if I try to “push” the issue through action such as pull her to me and try to be passionate and get things started where we are, the brakes are put on so fast and hard I can hear the tires screech. Perhaps I should point out that she claims I am the best lover she's ever had which is fine but I have stopped believing that.

I used to be a pretty romantic guy – at least I thought so. I’ve done the warm bath and candle thing but have always been told that she really doesn’t like baths. Ok. Flowers for no reason – I get asked how much they cost. Love notes – Aw thank you, quick peck, done. I massage “too hard” for her no matter how soft I think I’m doing it – which I might add has NEVER been an issue with other partners in my past. I’ve actually read sensual massage books so there was time I actually thought I was pretty good at it. She doesn’t like my cooking so that’s out. If I were to plan a romantic evening for us I would most certainly be accused of trying to get laid. In short, I don’t ever try to be romantic anymore.

I’m throwing a lot out about my wife’s shortcomings so I’ll provide some other info. We have gone through some rough time in the past 6 years. Lost a business, almost lost a house, were on welfare and food stamps, but things are better now. Not like before but still better. We make rent, have groceries, manage to put our boys in sports, but don’t have much left over. I always tell her, if we have some extra please get yourself something, get your hair done, or buy an outfit, anything. I know not be able to do things we want weighs heavily on her. I wish I can change that. I’m trying by finishing school so that I can get a better job but that still a few years out. The bottom line is this, I have sat with her and said “Honey, I know things aren’t the greatest money wise and I’m sorry I can’t provide better. Believe me it weighs on my as the man that I can’t do more for you. But we have each other and people can be happy with less if they appreciate the things they have.” That’s almost verbatim by the way. Sufficed to say it hasn’t worked or I wouldn’t be here.

I’ve listened to her complaints about me. I don’t help enough. Okay. I step it up. She doesn’t think it’s enough or doesn’t acknowledge that I do. I may not do half but I try. My impasse is that I feel like I’m having to “make a deal” to get my wife to love me more intimately - to make me feel significant and that ultimately bothers me. She says nobody ever thanks her or appreciates her for the things she does. But honey, when I did, you never acted like it mattered anyway. If I helped more, you found something I did wrong or didn’t do. A person can only take that for so long before they throw in the towel.

So here is where I’m at…

A.	I have low self-esteem to the point of jealousy. At this point I would accept that fact that my wife is cheating on my as it would give me a tangible explanation.

B.	I have no confidence in myself. I question my judgment, all of my decisions, my actions, and certainly my approach of her. I suppose this part does have a positive side as I couldn’t for one second imagine having an affair – I just don’t have the balls to do it. If my wife doesn’t want me why would someone else? Honestly, I generally can’t look other women in the face for more than a second or two.

C.	I make her even more miserable and am most assuredly pushing her away – irony is cruel. When she goes out with friends I find myself ruining it for her in some way. A & B make it very hard for me to feel secure when she’s away from me.

Well, I think that’s about it. I probably left out a lot but I hope this is enough for someone to make an educated suggestion. I’m a blabbering idiot these days, I cry a lot when I’m alone, and it’s taken me a while to write this. I love my wife immensely – more than she can comprehend. I want to be old couple that can talk without speaking, knows each other’s nuances, and are at peace with each other. I am scared that this will all come crashing down, if not soon, when all of our children have left the nest and that terrifies me. I love my wife and don't want to lose her.

Thanks in advance for your advice…


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm not a woman, and perhaps that was your intended audience given where you posted... but I'll give it a go just the same.

One common theme I saw was that you and your wife don't seem to be on the same page as far as understanding what each of you really values and wants from the other.

I'd recommend taking a small amount of time individually to take this simple questionnaire: The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

There is a book as well that goes into more details, but if you are trying to show her love in ways she doesn't want or need... she's not going to feel loved. Same thing goes for you.

Your wife's attitude towards affection sounds similar to my wife up to recently when we started working on things. She was always too much in a rush to do anything and everything to take 2 seconds to kiss. When I did kiss her, I could feel her trying to almost escape. In my mind I equated me to being like pepe-le-pew:










While it's not clear which one thing started turning that around for my wife and I, one of the first things we started with was our write ups. My wife and I each took time to write down everything that bothered us in the marriage... and I mean EVERYTHING. We tried to keep it constructive but honest.

We later met and read over each other's list, agreeing to not be defensive or argue, but rather just to empathize with the other's situation.

Unfortunately I've got to go now, but I'll share more later. Hopefully this gives you a start... gotta drop my son off at a b-day party.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.

They are very helpful in figuring out what needs both of you have and how to fill those needs for each other. 

Sometimes we spend a lot of time doing the things that we think would make the other feel the passion, but we miss the mark. These books help guide a couple into finding out what each needs and how to meet those needs.


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Go into the men's clubhouse and man up...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

All great advice above as well.

Another thing that reached my wife, was her need to understand that I needed her to desire me. It wasn't just sex, it is a connection... it's is being genuinely wanted that's such a critical part of love making.

Here are two books I've not read yet, but they are already on my cart on Amazon.com: 
Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Amazon.com: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (9781591451877): Emerson Eggerichs: Books

Both of those came highly recommended to me, and I suspect they would be good for you as well.


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

Currently reading his needs her needs, and it is a little of am eye opener... And will work well especially if both partners read it!


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