# Stay or go



## Midtn (Jun 15, 2016)

I'll start from the beginning. I was around 23 she was 20. She was my roommates sister. We started sleepin with each other but not ever committed or dating. She got pregnant. Yes I know it wasn't just her or her fault. Anyhow I told her everthing would be fine. I took the responsibility of takin care of her and my child. I wantes to be a part of my child's life not just every other weekend. So we moved in together. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do. Got married when my son was 6 months old. And bought a house when he turned a yr old. I felt that I had to make the best of it. Life happens and end up having 2 more kids. There's been a lot of ups & downs. She's never completely trusted me given the circumstances of the way we were brought together I can understand why. I always just turned the cheek and rolled with the punches. Never wantin to leave my kids or put them through the hell of a divorce. i love her but I've never been in love with her. The only interests we share is the way we raise our kids. The past couple of yrs I find myself more often feeling like I'm not where I should be. Not truly happy just there takin care of my kids. Sex is seldom and nothin passionate at all. Used to cause a fight over it. Now I could care less about it. Not worth the fight. 
She's an awesome mother and I know she loves me more than I do her. But I feel I've done wrong for staying all these yrs doing whatever to make it work. I'm 39 now and scared to start over and do I really want to put my kids or her through it. Now she is wanting to buy another house. Is there a right or wrong answer.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Stay until your children are grown. You married her so you could be there for your children so why would you want to leave? You made them so you need to be there to raise them. It doesn't sound like you have major problems, not enough to break up your family over. Once they are grown then you can divorce if you still aren't happy. It doesn't sound like you are trying to put passion back into your marriage. You are just thinking about bailing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your youngest child?

There is a way to create the passion that is missing. You say that you love her. You could fall "in love" with her.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them, do the work they suggest. Then ask her to read them with you and the two of you do the work. 

Put your heart and soul into it. If you are not feeling the love in one year and you have really done the work, then you know you have done all that you could and divorce is probably the right thing.

There is a very good study that followed a large number of married couples for several years. These are couples who said that they were unhappy at the start of the study. Five years later, 85% of the couples self reported as being happy.


Why not give it a try?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, 
@EleGirl is right. You can regain the passion if you work on your marriage. I bet neither of you have really focused on the other in a long time. It is common to feel this way after this many years of marriage, especially with three kids. 

You are turning 40. It is your MLC time. You can bail on wife and kids and go sex a younger woman or two or three as you rotate through unfulfilling relationships or you can be an awesome father to your kids and awesome lover to your wife, and she will reciprocate. 

STAY.

And ignore all the unhappy people who will tell you to be selfish and abandon your family because you are having a MLC.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> OP,
> 
> 
> @EleGirl is right. You can regain the passion if you work on your marriage. I bet neither of you have really focused on the other in a long time. It is common to feel this way after this many years of marriage, especially with three kids.
> ...




^^
Have nothing to add to this....take both @EleGirl and blues advice.


Sent from my iPhone


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## Midtn (Jun 15, 2016)

Thank ya'll for your replies. 
My kids are 15,9 & 8. I'm not wanting to go sex it up with a bunch of younger women at all. I do love her but feel it's as she is the mother of my kids. Not the women I can't live without. There's never been any passion or in love with us. I've always questioned my decision to keep staying. It's gets harder as time goes on to tolerate the BS when she flips her lid on silly stuff. She's very ocd & stress freak with everything in its place and being perfect. I'm not trying to make it look like it's all her. I know I have my faults. Even several of her family members have told they don't see how I do it. 
Im not trying to talk myself into it or out of it. Just getting harder to keep it on the inside & to myself. Do I really want to be unhappy on the inside for another 10-15yrs. Not really but I don't want to turn my kids life upside down and them hate me for it either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Midtn said:


> Thank ya'll for your replies.
> My kids are 15,9 & 8. I'm not wanting to go sex it up with a bunch of younger women at all. I do love her but feel it's as she is the mother of my kids. Not the women I can't live without. There's never been any passion or in love with us. I've always questioned my decision to keep staying. It's gets harder as time goes on to tolerate the BS when she flips her lid on silly stuff. She's very ocd & stress freak with everything in its place and being perfect. I'm not trying to make it look like it's all her. I know I have my faults. Even several of her family members have told they don't see how I do it.
> Im not trying to talk myself into it or out of it. Just getting harder to keep it on the inside & to myself. Do I really want to be unhappy on the inside for another 10-15yrs. Not really but I don't want to turn my kids life upside down and them hate me for it either.


From what you have said, your wife knows how you feel. You might not say it, but she’s picked up on it. You said that she does not really trust you because of the way you got married. 

So what do you expect from a woman who knows that she is not really loved? A woman knows that the only reason that you married her is that she was pregnant.

There are things about her that you don’t like. Well I’m sure that there are things about you that she does not like. This exists is about 99% of marriages, even when a couple has strong “in-love” feelings and passion.

The feelings of in-love/passion are not magic. They are simply the result of the couple having a high level of feel-good brain chemicals… oxytocin, dopamine, etc. The books I suggested talk about a “love-bank” where you both do things that meet the other’s needs. When you do this your “love-bank” is filled up and you will feel the “in-love” and “passion”. When you (and she) do things that do not meet the other’s needs, it’s like a withdrawal from the love bank. This kills the feelings of in-love and passion. The love bank is a metaphor for the feel-good brain chemicals.

You have been given road map used by a lot of people who have fixed their marriage. They have, together, created the felling of in-love and passion in their relationship.

Your reply to that is basically that you are not “in-love” with your wife so you don’t want to do it.

Just know that in any relationship that is not nurtured, the couple will lose the ‘in-love’ and passion. A very odd thing happens when someone falls out of love. Generally, they cannot remember anything good about their relationship. They cannot remember ever being in-love or passionate about their spouse. It is so common that it’s predictable.

You seem to have no interest in fixing this marriage. So if you are not interested then at least be honest and get a divorce. Go for 50/50 custody. But set your wife free so that maybe she can find a man who loves her.

It’s highly likely that you will also find another woman and remarry. You still need to read those books because if you don’t learn how to nurture a love relationship, your next marriage/relationship will end up the same way… the in-love/passion will be lost.


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## Midtn (Jun 15, 2016)

I guess the question Ive got to figure out is do I really want to fix it. 
Thank you EleGirl and everyone else. I will check out the books that ya'll have suggested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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