# Need some feedback



## Allie76 (Jan 11, 2018)

Hi, I have been with my husband for 20 years. Married for nearly 17, we have 2 kids, a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I never would have believed I would be in this situation as I truly would have NEVER believed that my husband would cheat, but here I am. He travels a lot for business and last November he was in Abilene. He went to a bar alone to watch the game and have some dinner/drinks. He initially was chit chatting with another man and later in that guy left and a married couple in their 50s sat next to him (my husband is 43, I am 41). The man started chatting with my husband and started talking about sex, then started flipping through pics on his phone where my husband could see. The pics were of his wife, named. As they were talking my husband said “doesn’t your wife mind that you are doing that?!” And the man said “no, we have an open relationship. I let her F around with whoever she wants and I do the same”. He then told my husband about all the swinger vacations and parties they go to and asked my husband if we did those things. My husband said no, but we don’t judge at all. At this point my husband was pretty loaded, the guy kept on showing pics of his wife etc. at some point my husband closed his nearly 60.00 tab which is a lot of booze for one person. He doesn’t normally get this drunk but I suppose this night, he just kept on drinking. The couple offered him a ride to his hotel and my husband agreed. My husband said he recalls feeling very nervous in their car but he said it was all very blurred at this point. The man said “hey let’s get a 6 pack and have some beers in your room”. Shockingly my husband agreed. Mind you, this is something my husband would literally NEVER do normally so I’m already shocked at him taking he ride and even more by letting strangers in his room. So next thing u know they are in his room and as they were all chit chatting the man motioned to his wife and told her “go ahead and show him” and she proceeded to take off all of her clothes. She then crawled onto the bed toward my husband and as the man watched, his wife kissed my husband, unbuttoned my husband pants and proceeded to blow him. My husband said this was all like blurred and his memory at this point was weird snapshots like he had been drugged. He said the woman did this for about 30 seconds or so. He said he remembers that he did not have a full erection. He said she stopped and looked up at him and he recalls here being something said about her wanting sex. My husband said something snapped in his brain and he stood up and said no we are not doing this. The man got pushy and said he would go get condoms. My husband stood his ground and kept saying no. As the man continues to try to talk my husband into sex with his wife, the woman said “no problem, I’m sorry, it’s ok” or something to that effect and finally my husband escorted them out of the room. He said he was pretty sure he threw up at that point and started freaking out. 
The weird thing is, is that he night his happened I somehow instinctively knew something was wrong. I don’t know how but I did. My husband came home the next morning and I could tell something was off. For two weeks he seems depressed and sad. He wouldn’t have sex with me. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. Finally one morning about 2 weeks ago, I went through his phone bc I knew somehow something was going on. I saw he had looked up STD from oral researches and places to get tested. He also had been looking up whether to tell your spouse or not and then I looked at his Uber history and saw there was no ride home from that bar that night. Finally He woke up that morning as I had his phone. I confronted him, he immediately began to cry and say he couldn’t tell me bc I would divorce him. After about 10 min or what felt like basically an eternity, he describes what happened. He said even if he was single, he wouldn’t have touched this older woman with a 20 foot pole, saying she was so unattractive and gross and the man was super fat and grumpy, etc. so was reeling with anger shock and my whole world had just turned upside down. ANOTHER woman had my husband in her mouth while HER husband sat in a chair and watched?! Who is my husband?! I don’t feel I know this person at all. None of this is remotely like him, AT ALL. I would appreciate any feedback from anyone on here that has remotely gone through anything similar as this type of infidelity is definitely unique I can’t tell any of my friends because I’m too embarrassed and I just don’t know what to do


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

At this point you cannot rule out if this is the exception or the rule. I believe he is exaggerating how much effect the alcohol had on him. Unless you are blacked out, there are just some things you have the WILL to no do if you don't want to.

I don't want to instill any good points here but it does seem somewhat positive that he was looking up telling his spouse and he is pretty naive about oral and STDs. 

He did not make a mistake, he made a grave conscience decision against your marriage. The following must happen;

- His commitment and transparency to telling you anything you want to know and as often as you want to know
- His commitment to the marriage and earning back your trust over a long period of time no matter what it takes
- Your own willingness to move on, forgive but never forget if you want to work on the marriage
- Talking between each other honestly if there are pre-existing issues in the marriage, lack of love, intimacy, etc
- You both will most likely need some counseling

This is not a run of the mill thing that I have seen on here, most of the stories seem to be like mine where the spouse has a long drawn out affair, with a ton of lying, mind games and blame-shifting. This could be a case of a one night debacle that he will need to spend a very long time making up for or it could be a small pattern of letting himself slip. These instances seem to be a lot more fixable than when waywards fall in love with an AP but if this is a pattern, it needs to be discussed openly and fixed ASAP!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you think this was a one-time thing, then I'll give my normal suggestion for alcohol-induced infidelity. 

If alcohol makes him do something like this that he really would never do sober, then he has to give up alcohol. If it would make him betray his marriage vows then who knows what else he might do. I'd give him a one-time forgiveness with the agreement that he never drinks again.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i know sometimes there is no choice but to travel for work, but traveling and working when you have a wife/family is
an invitation to trouble. a man(woman) should be with their family day after day, night after night. being on the road, unfortunately
you run into all kinds of temptations, not the least of which you get lonely, are apart from your wife and have no relief other than 
masturbation.

a traveling job is for the really strong, and those not given easily to temptation.

what i'm getting at is; maybe your husband needs to find a job that doesn't involve travel.

as to what he did, he does sound remorseful, but doesn't sound strong enough to me to be away from family much of the time.

now you have to decide whether this is a deal breaker.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Sounds like an okay guy to me. He was shi##y drunk, possibly drugged. They offered him a ride and he took it. Ugly swinger advanced on him and he stopped her. Yes, he let it go too far and could have caught an STD, or gotten robber, killed, etc.. But he stopped it. If this was something he had done before ("exception or the rule") he would not have felt guilty and sullen. He just would've acted as if nothing had happened.

He should never had let himself get so drunk as to let someone open his pants. It was a horrible mistake, and hopefully scared him enough that he won't let his guard down so much. I hope you can work it out with him and define some boundaries for how to act when alone on business trips in the future.

Also, I find you looking through his phone to be the second most troubling thing in your whole story.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Drugged is an interesting question. From the bill though it sounds like he had a LOT to drink, so probably not. 



Maxwedge 413 said:


> Sounds like an okay guy to me. He was shi##y drunk, possibly drugged. They offered him a ride and he took it. Ugly swinger advanced on him and he stopped her. Yes, he let it go too far and could have caught an STD, or gotten robber, killed, etc.. But he stopped it. If this was something he had done before ("exception or the rule") he would not have felt guilty and sullen. He just would've acted as if nothing had happened.
> 
> He should never had let himself get so drunk as to let someone open his pants. It was a horrible mistake, and hopefully scared him enough that he won't let his guard down so much. I hope you can work it out with him and define some boundaries for how to act when alone on business trips in the future.
> 
> Also, I find you looking through his phone to be the second most troubling thing in your whole story.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I love how this story, when told by your cheating husband, has him as a helpless innocent participant in all this. Poor fella was victimized by these evil swingers. <cue eye roll here> We almost feel sorry for him. I promise you the truth is a lot different than this bullsh*t story. Your heart loves him so it's forcing you to believe this bullsh*t. We don't know your hubby or love him so we can smell the bullsh*t.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

When a 21 yo (or younger) college girl gets too drunk at a frat party, and is in-and-out of consciousness, and a couple of drunk jerks start to undress her and take advantage....

Would you same people say that she knew what she was doing and wanted it?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

If this is the story you got from your husband most likely the reality is a lot worse. On the up side at least he had some guilt and told you a watered down version, however lets face it, he let this happen. He knew what was up when he left the bar. There is no doubt about that given the pictures the guy was showing him.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Allie76 said:


> Hi, I have been with my husband for 20 years. Married for nearly 17, we have 2 kids, a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I never would have believed I would be in this situation as I truly would have NEVER believed that my husband would cheat, but here I am. He travels a lot for business and last November he was in Abilene. He went to a bar alone to watch the game and have some dinner/drinks. He initially was chit chatting with another man and later in that guy left and a married couple in their 50s sat next to him (my husband is 43, I am 41). The man started chatting with my husband and started talking about sex, then started flipping through pics on his phone where my husband could see. The pics were of his wife, named. As they were talking my husband said “doesn’t your wife mind that you are doing that?!” And the man said “no, we have an open relationship. I let her F around with whoever she wants and I do the same”. He then told my husband about all the swinger vacations and parties they go to and asked my husband if we did those things. My husband said no, but we don’t judge at all. At this point my husband was pretty loaded, the guy kept on showing pics of his wife etc. at some point my husband closed his nearly 60.00 tab which is a lot of booze for one person. He doesn’t normally get this drunk but I suppose this night, he just kept on drinking. The couple offered him a ride to his hotel and my husband agreed. My husband said he recalls feeling very nervous in their car but he said it was all very blurred at this point. The man said “hey let’s get a 6 pack and have some beers in your room”. Shockingly my husband agreed. Mind you, this is something my husband would literally NEVER do normally so I’m already shocked at him taking he ride and even more by letting strangers in his room. So next thing u know they are in his room and as they were all chit chatting the man motioned to his wife and told her “go ahead and show him” and she proceeded to take off all of her clothes. She then crawled onto the bed toward my husband and as the man watched, his wife kissed my husband, unbuttoned my husband pants and proceeded to blow him. My husband said this was all like blurred and his memory at this point was weird snapshots like he had been drugged. He said the woman did this for about 30 seconds or so. He said he remembers that he did not have a full erection. He said she stopped and looked up at him and he recalls here being something said about her wanting sex. My husband said something snapped in his brain and he stood up and said no we are not doing this. The man got pushy and said he would go get condoms. My husband stood his ground and kept saying no. As the man continues to try to talk my husband into sex with his wife, the woman said “no problem, I’m sorry, it’s ok” or something to that effect and finally my husband escorted them out of the room. He said he was pretty sure he threw up at that point and started freaking out.
> The weird thing is, is that he night his happened I somehow instinctively knew something was wrong. I don’t know how but I did. My husband came home the next morning and I could tell something was off. For two weeks he seems depressed and sad. He wouldn’t have sex with me. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. Finally one morning about 2 weeks ago, I went through his phone bc I knew somehow something was going on. I saw he had looked up STD from oral researches and places to get tested. He also had been looking up whether to tell your spouse or not and then I looked at his Uber history and saw there was no ride home from that bar that night. Finally He woke up that morning as I had his phone. I confronted him, he immediately began to cry and say he couldn’t tell me bc I would divorce him. After about 10 min or what felt like basically an eternity, he describes what happened. He said even if he was single, he wouldn’t have touched this older woman with a 20 foot pole, saying she was so unattractive and gross and the man was super fat and grumpy, etc. so was reeling with anger shock and my whole world had just turned upside down. ANOTHER woman had my husband in her mouth while HER husband sat in a chair and watched?! Who is my husband?! I don’t feel I know this person at all. None of this is remotely like him, AT ALL. I would appreciate any feedback from anyone on here that has remotely gone through anything similar as this type of infidelity is definitely unique I can’t tell any of my friends because I’m too embarrassed and I just don’t know what to do


I believe what happened is exactly as you wrote. I don't think your husband is an experienced unrepentant cheater. I think the alcohol lowered his boundaries but he checked himself in time before letting it go full blown intercourse. I think since then he has been consumed with guilt and afraid how to tell you. he telegraphed to you something was wrong. He was afraid of having a STD and felt dirty and ashamed. 

Experienced unrepentant cheaters don't leave evidence lying around for their partner to find. 

If this offense is unbearable for you to ever get over then you know what path to take. However if your husband is genuinely contrite and truly remorseful I say Id say demand alcohol counselling for him and married counselling for you both where you can vent your genuine anger and disappointment in him. 

As betrayals go this is a betrayal but I have seen much sneakier and worse. I see something to salvage here, Choice is up to you and his actions that follow.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Alcohol is obviously not his friend. 

Did he really "wake up" because of guilt, etc., or because she/they weren't attractive enough (or young enough) for him to be interested?


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## Allie76 (Jan 11, 2018)

Thank you for all of your replies. I do admit that on the infidelity scale, my issue is pretty small compared to the betrayal so many others have endured. My husband has cried more than I have ever seen him ever cry in our 20 years in the last couple weeks. I do believe in my heart he has never done anything like this before. I am angry and hurt that he allowed it to get as far as it did. I don’t care how drunk I are, in the amount of time it took her to undo his belt and pants, he should have said woah there, stop, this isn’t my thing guys. I’m also horrified he let two strangers in his room that could have robbed him or killed him. I have known a few friends over time that have open marriages and I have since learned there are men that get off on watching their wives have sex with other younger men, and to each their own. However, that lifestyle is SOOOO not our lifestyle. I can’t grasp why he did this. It would be much more logical if he was at the bar, met a attractive woman and they hit it off and got too drunk and then this scenario happened, than it is with people 10-15 years older and ‘rose hard and put up wet’ according to my husband. The way he describes the man sounds quite predatory and I truly believe my husband. He also said the wife barely spoke a word the entire evening and it was extremely apparent to my husband that this man made the rules so to speak. I am grateful my husband stopped it when he did but mad and hurt as hell that he betrayed our vows. after 20 years of it being just him and I, we now have this other woman in our bedroom practically bc it’s all I can think of, the images playing repeatedly in my mind. I have never gone through anything like this and bc it’s such a freaking weird story I feel like it’s so hard to relate to anyone. I have asked myself that maybe deep deep down my husband is interested in that lifestyle and with all the alcohol and seeing the pics of the naked woman (up close and personal ones) it set off some subconscious perverse act. The whole thing is F’d up. It’s too embarrassing to share with my friends. We are seeing a therapist. She believes his story. I believe him. He is doing everything in the world to make it up to me. Being very attentive and sensitive and loving. He is terrified I will leave him over this. His depression was so bad that I honestly was very worried about him. I love him, I have known since I was 19 that he was my soul mate but I just don’t know how to go on now without the whole act replaying in my mind, imagining the look on his face when she went down etc etc. it’s gut wrenching.


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## Allie76 (Jan 11, 2018)

I am not one to normally go through his phone, like ever. I honestly had had enough of trying to route out why my husband was moving around and depressed and acting strange for a solid 2 weeks, and all ever since he got home from THAT trip. Like I said something told me the night it happened hat something was very off in my world. Almost like I felt him leave our bond. I know hat sounds cheesy or everyone here having a collective eye roll, but I truly felt it and turns out I was right. I chose to look through his google and reddit searches and then the Uber history with the hope that I would find nothing and feel reassured. However that was not the case. He frantically was searching about STD testing centers and sites about remorse after cheating, him looking up therapists etc.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Allie76 said:


> Thank you for all of your replies. I do admit that on the infidelity scale, my issue is pretty small compared to the betrayal so many others have endured. My husband has cried more than I have ever seen him ever cry in our 20 years in the last couple weeks. I do believe in my heart he has never done anything like this before. I am angry and hurt that he allowed it to get as far as it did. I don’t care how drunk I are, in the amount of time it took her to undo his belt and pants, he should have said woah there, stop, this isn’t my thing guys. I’m also horrified he let two strangers in his room that could have robbed him or killed him. I have known a few friends over time that have open marriages and I have since learned there are men that get off on watching their wives have sex with other younger men, and to each their own. However, that lifestyle is SOOOO not our lifestyle. I can’t grasp why he did this. It would be much more logical if he was at the bar, met a attractive woman and they hit it off and got too drunk and then this scenario happened, than it is with people 10-15 years older and ‘rose hard and put up wet’ according to my husband. The way he describes the man sounds quite predatory and I truly believe my husband. He also said the wife barely spoke a word the entire evening and it was extremely apparent to my husband that this man made the rules so to speak. I am grateful my husband stopped it when he did but mad and hurt as hell that he betrayed our vows. after 20 years of it being just him and I, we now have this other woman in our bedroom practically bc it’s all I can think of, the images playing repeatedly in my mind. I have never gone through anything like this and bc it’s such a freaking weird story I feel like it’s so hard to relate to anyone. I have asked myself that maybe deep deep down my husband is interested in that lifestyle and with all the alcohol and seeing the pics of the naked woman (up close and personal ones) it set off some subconscious perverse act. The whole thing is F’d up. It’s too embarrassing to share with my friends. We are seeing a therapist. She believes his story. I believe him. He is doing everything in the world to make it up to me. Being very attentive and sensitive and loving. He is terrified I will leave him over this. His depression was so bad that I honestly was very worried about him. I love him, I have known since I was 19 that he was my soul mate but I just don’t know how to go on now without the whole act replaying in my mind, imagining the look on his face when she went down etc etc. it’s gut wrenching.


You'll need to keep your guard up but it seems like you are going about this in the right way and you know what is here that seems to be missing from a lot of our stories? TRUE REMORSE

I see that here, at least now and that's a good sign if there is one in this. Good call on seeing the therapist and good call not telling anyone else, at least in my opinion. Exposure is for breaking up affairs, no sense in this case. Hopefully you continue to both move in a positive direction!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

This doesn't have to be the end of your relationship if neither of you wants it to be.

Once the initial shock wears off a bit, were I you, I'd be looking into the root of why this whole thing appealed to him. What he wouldn't do sober he did when drunk, and that means something. You should discover why that is before you determine the long term threat to your marriage. 

Is he a "I make stupid decisions when blind stinking drunk" kind of person? That's one of my foibles, which I learned as a young man making really stupid drunk decisions. Or does he have an unmet desire that alcohol allowed him to pursue? The treatment for either in the context of your marriage is very different.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Allie76 said:


> Hi, I have been with my husband for 20 years. Married for nearly 17, we have 2 kids, a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son. I never would have believed I would be in this situation as I truly would have NEVER believed that my husband would cheat, but here I am. He travels a lot for business and last November he was in Abilene. He went to a bar alone to watch the game and have some dinner/drinks. He initially was chit chatting with another man and later in that guy left and a married couple in their 50s sat next to him (my husband is 43, I am 41). The man started chatting with my husband and started talking about sex, then started flipping through pics on his phone where my husband could see. The pics were of his wife, named. As they were talking my husband said “doesn’t your wife mind that you are doing that?!” And the man said “no, we have an open relationship. I let her F around with whoever she wants and I do the same”. He then told my husband about all the swinger vacations and parties they go to and asked my husband if we did those things. My husband said no, but we don’t judge at all. At this point my husband was pretty loaded, the guy kept on showing pics of his wife etc. at some point my husband closed his nearly 60.00 tab which is a lot of booze for one person. He doesn’t normally get this drunk but I suppose this night, he just kept on drinking. The couple offered him a ride to his hotel and my husband agreed. My husband said he recalls feeling very nervous in their car but he said it was all very blurred at this point. The man said “hey let’s get a 6 pack and have some beers in your room”. Shockingly my husband agreed. Mind you, this is something my husband would literally NEVER do normally so I’m already shocked at him taking he ride and even more by letting strangers in his room. So next thing u know they are in his room and as they were all chit chatting the man motioned to his wife and told her “go ahead and show him” and she proceeded to take off all of her clothes. She then crawled onto the bed toward my husband and as the man watched, his wife kissed my husband, unbuttoned my husband pants and proceeded to blow him. My husband said this was all like blurred and his memory at this point was weird snapshots like he had been drugged. He said the woman did this for about 30 seconds or so. He said he remembers that he did not have a full erection. He said she stopped and looked up at him and he recalls here being something said about her wanting sex. My husband said something snapped in his brain and he stood up and said no we are not doing this. The man got pushy and said he would go get condoms. My husband stood his ground and kept saying no. As the man continues to try to talk my husband into sex with his wife, the woman said “no problem, I’m sorry, it’s ok” or something to that effect and finally my husband escorted them out of the room. He said he was pretty sure he threw up at that point and started freaking out.
> The weird thing is, is that he night his happened I somehow instinctively knew something was wrong. I don’t know how but I did. My husband came home the next morning and I could tell something was off. For two weeks he seems depressed and sad. He wouldn’t have sex with me. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. Finally one morning about 2 weeks ago, I went through his phone bc I knew somehow something was going on. I saw he had looked up STD from oral researches and places to get tested. He also had been looking up whether to tell your spouse or not and then I looked at his Uber history and saw there was no ride home from that bar that night. Finally He woke up that morning as I had his phone. I confronted him, he immediately began to cry and say he couldn’t tell me bc I would divorce him. After about 10 min or what felt like basically an eternity, he describes what happened. He said even if he was single, he wouldn’t have touched this older woman with a 20 foot pole, saying she was so unattractive and gross and the man was super fat and grumpy, etc. so was reeling with anger shock and my whole world had just turned upside down. ANOTHER woman had my husband in her mouth while HER husband sat in a chair and watched?! Who is my husband?! I don’t feel I know this person at all. None of this is remotely like him, AT ALL. I would appreciate any feedback from anyone on here that has remotely gone through anything similar as this type of infidelity is definitely unique I can’t tell any of my friends because I’m too embarrassed and I just don’t know what to do


It's possible they slipped something into his drinks to make him more compliant.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> When a 21 yo (or younger) college girl gets too drunk at a frat party, and is in-and-out of consciousness, and a couple of drunk jerks start to undress her and take advantage....
> 
> Would you same people say that she knew what she was doing and wanted it?


^^^ This...and

It is not at all unlikely that he was drugged. It happens to many others. It isn't unusual. I'm not saying he was. I'm not saying he wasn't. I'm saying it is possible. That's all. It could explain the high cost of his bill, since you have stated it is unusual or completely abnormal. If it's not too long ago, a blood test could tell you. Otherwise a hair sample can. 

It is likely what he told you is only partly true. You have a right to go through his phone, in my opinion. That's _my_ opinion, though.

Something is wrong with this story. I think I'd check bills from other times he had to go away for work. Time to do some investigation, if possible. "Something is fishy in Denmark". 

Do not drop your guard. Take your time with this and get as close to the bottom as you can. There is more to this. I wonder if you can call the hotel and verify anything? I wonder if you can call the bar? I don't know. Just thinking aloud. 

I have a bad gut feeling after reading this thread.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your husband is minimising the truth of what happened. Its great that you were able to discover his infedelity quickly. And it does seem from his phone history that he was harboring regret to an extent for his actions. However i would not be so quick to believe his story.

Cheaters always downplay, their actions to minimise the eventual consequences their behavour will have. Its ironic how your husband has spun this to make himself be an innocent drunk little victim that was taken advantage of by a mean grumpy old man, and a fat ugly women.

The realities of what probably happened are he met someone, whether by chance or paid for a hooker to give him a blow job, woke up the next morning and felt like crap. Don't believe his story of grumpy old men, and fat women. At the end of day it does not matter whether she was a drop dead gorgeous model or a fat beast. He violated your marriage vows and betrayed your trust.

Whether or not you give him a second chance is up to you however you must enforce some serious consequences for his behaviour and he must understand this will never be tolerated again.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think you are handling this well.

As for alcohol and/or drugs, and loosing inhibitions, that's what happens. Maybe the advice your husband stop drinking, completely, is good advice.

Hey, nobody could slip anything into his drink if he wasn't drinking. I know someone who will only drink bottled drinks, and only if he opens them himself.

Your question about why your husband chose this when his inhibitions were allayed by drinks (and/or drugs) is a very good question. Why were those pictures of interest to him? Why did he keep looking? Why did he speak with the man? Why did he agree to get in their car? Why did he agree to let them into his room? You can think he should have said no when she started unbuckling his belt, but his strong and absolute no should have come long, long before then. 

I think his first no, absolute with no exception, should have been after his second drink. But since he obviously failed that, then he should have said no to himself when the guy was going through pictures, and your husband should have gotten up and left right then. I am a wild child of the sixties, and I can't imagine sitting and looking at nudes of some woman in a bar. Maybe it was a bar where the dancers were nude, so it wasn't unexpected?

Your husband should have said no a long time before he did, for sure.

I think you are right about thinking your husband has some interest in what he did. He did it because he wanted to do it, because he got a thrill from the idea of doing it. I do think it is possible your husband stopped only because the couple weren't beautiful people.

Please be well. I think you are doing a very good job of handling this so far.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sounds as if he knew what he was doing at all times. 
If he was so drunk and/or drugged, he has too detailed a recollection & he sobered up too suddenly when he asked them to leave. I don't think he was drugged because he was too aware. 
He can't have been very drunk early in the night when the man was showing him the phone pics. 
I'm wondering if he did this before as it was so extreme given that he's not a swinger etc. 

Posters are right when they say cheaters always minimise what happened. I think he's lying about how drunk he was. I can't imagine what something more would be if he is minimising other stuff. 

On the positive, his immediate remorse, googling whether/how to tell you & re STDs & admitting it immediately with so many details is a good sign. It's quite rare for a BS get all that so quickly. I'm inclined to think it's a 'first offence'. 
Also it wasn't an affair, imo more painful than a ONS. But a ONS is also horrible. 

I think you may have to do more spying eg phone records etc to reassure yourself that it hasn't happened before. When he's away, he needs to Skype you from his hotel room (ie a visual) before he turns in etc. Complete transparency. 

It was very extreme if it is a first offence & he allowed 2 strangers into his room!


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