# Intro, and question about orgasm in new relationship



## learningagain (Dec 22, 2016)

Hello, I am new to the forum, hetero female, divorced after a 25 year marriage. Glad to find this place that seems like a safe place to ask highly personal questions.

As dysfunctional as my previous marriage was, we did not have problems in the bedroom until the end. On very few occasions I would orgasm without my, uh, "own intervention" but generally I applied my own clitoral stimulation to achieve O. This was not a problem with the ex, he enjoyed that, he said.

I am in a new relationship with a man who is very tender and loving and sensual, and is absolutely committed to the idea that my O is important above all. With the exception of the first few times of sexual relation, when things were new and sexual celibacy increased arousal, I am unable to achieve O without my own intervention, and this distresses him.

I have learned a few things since the advent of this new relationship, among them that I actually am capable of multiple orgasms, and not all Os are created equal but are just as enjoyable. I am also learning a tremendous amount about foreplay, and the enjoyment of pure intimacy and pure sensation.

But sometimes I just want that O, and it is getting to feel awkward and embarrassing that I am having difficulty getting there, even with my own intervention. Add to that the fact that I am 45 years old and am/will be facing menopause, I am starting to feel some distress. I love this man deeply, enjoy our physical intimacy incredibly, and we are planning a wedding for this coming year. I know this is mostly about communication, but it is sooooo hard for me, especially after a relationship where confrontation and possible conflict would cause me to keep my concerns to myself.

HOWEVER, I am not interested in bringing old dysfunctional communication into a new marriage, so I plead for help. Tips, questions, observations are all welcomed, as long as they are appropropriate.

TIA...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

If you can't resort to your tried and true methods for getting the O, could it be something else? Stress? Some other life changes, perhaps?

Are you two doing the same things you were before when having sex? Are there other ways he could help you to achieve it?

Why do you think it is about communication? You want that O, I get it, but you also say you enjoy the physical intimacy a lot. Can you enjoy the intimacy as much if you don't have an O all the time?

You make it sound like the guy is pressuring himself a little bit. Are you pressuring yourself as well?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Congratulations on your new and rewarding relationship.

Tell your SO that you have always used your own intervention to orgasm. This is the way it works for you.

Caring men very much want to make their women have an orgasm. It is a man thing. It puts a lot of pressure on both partners.

Put him at ease. Tell him that you love him and his efforts to make you O, but this is the way it works for you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

learningagain said:


> *But sometimes I just want that O*
> 
> Tips, questions, observations are all welcomed, as long as they are appropropriate.
> 
> TIA...


Performance driven sex for the purpose of orgasm is going to cause problems. It is human nature to set a goal and them "monitor" our progress towards these goals.

Sexual research suggests that our mind's effort to "monitor" progress towards our goals CAN and WILL cause havoc with you sex life. This is because in the event progress is not being made, your stress levels will increase. Increased stress levels will destroy any chance to achieving a natural and relaxed orgasm.

Interestingly enough you can try a fun experiment that reverse hack the "monitor" in your mind to actually help you have an orgasm with minimal effort. Tell yourself that you are forbidden from having an orgasm during sex. Odds are you will experience the same exact effect if I tell you under no circumstances are you to think about pink elephants. If you engage in sex for the purpose of NOT having an orgasm, odds are you minds monitor will increase your anxiety as you get closer to your orgasm, but the difference this time is that anxiety will now help stimulate your orgasm in the form of fearing failure. Obviously failing at not having an orgasm will be fun and will not leave you disappointed. 

Now being realistic, you should not feel frustrated that you need something extra to O, and your partner's concern should be pointed out that he needs to be confident enough to enjoy sex regardless of if you have an orgasm or not. Some women can reach orgasm exclusively via nipple stimulation. You may want to research if this is also the case for you and encourage your partner to provide that "extra stimulation" you need by caressing you breasts during the right moments. 

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta

PS: You may also be surprised to know that this is not exclusively a female problem. Sometimes men experience "delayed orgasm" and have to reach climax via coitus interruptus and then apply aggressive self stimulation in order to climax. This can be very frustrating for females as it does not allow for penetration to occur at the moment of climax.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

How chemically, physically, attracted to this man are you? You tell us how much your mind and heart like him, but you've said nothing about how much your body likes him.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Congratulations on finding a winner! If he's a good partner you should feel comfortable being honest.

My W always wants to sprint to the finish line  though I would much rather take more time and do more "stuff". But I love her enthusiasm so I support this. And she is always happy to do whatever is necessary for me to get there.

I'd suggest you visit an adult shop with him and look at the various toys. There are so many options for you to choose. It might be a good way to show him what you like.

Most women can achieve an orgasm from clitoral stimulation versus PIV so you are in the majority. Perhaps if you choose a new toy or two with him you can create a new style of achieving o that is something only you and he share. Put it that way to him. You must bring him along on this - he should understand this is normal and seeing hundreds of vibrators and toys might be a good clue  

I buy all the toys for my w - she's a bit scared to go in those shops. But I never hesitate to ask questions and the women are very helpful and frank.

I don't know if you are just manually finishing or using a vibrator. If it's manual I suspect you are in for a treat - I doubt any appendage I have or my w has that can compete with a good multi speed vibrator. I'd get a simple twist mechanism for speed controls - anything more complicated will be frustrating at that important moment.

You can have him operate it but at first you'll want to figure out what works and guide him. I used to manually finish my W then I operated the vibrator but now I let her and I caress her and, well, participate in other ways.

So my point but is you should be open and accept that it is normal to want additional clitoral stimulation.

Btw don't stress about menopause. It's different for everyone. We're 54 and my W is only now starting to have her period disappear but no other symptoms. Stay healthy with a good weight and exercise and a good attitude. Maybe you'll sail through that. Sex can be great your whole life.

If your new man is still uncomfortable with "help" then check out the Sinclair institute DVDs - a sex therapist recommended them and they're great at showing healthy open people talk about - and having - sex. There are ones with toys as well.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## learningagain (Dec 22, 2016)

Wow, you folks are awesome! THANK YOU for being considerate, compassionate and non-judgmental.

I tried to respond yesterday but could not get my phone to post, but glad I didn't. More good stuff here today! I am still on my phone, which makes it harder to parse out specific responses, but I still want ti say thank you.

Toblerone, excellent questions, and yes, I believe there is undue pressure on ourselves. I look forward to an opportunity to better respond to those questions.

In answer to the attraction question, the answer is easy....YES on every level, lol! Because of our respective histories we wished to take our time getting to know each other, but there was so much heat that we deliberately waited weeks even for our first kiss in order to avoid nuclear combustion. *blushes* We are very emotionally, intelligently and spiritually connected; I am certain the majority of my/our problem is mind games.

Unable to look back to see the author, but the treatise about anxiety was SO encouraging, thank you!

Will be checking back again soon, when I can get in the PC and respond more precisely. THANKS AGAIN.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@learningagain

Specifically addressing potential hormonal contributions to the difficulty of getting there...

Do you feel the usual build up of arousal and then...nothing? Do you feel a build up of arousal and then you just stay there without climbing that last bit to get there? The two are different sensations and both are hormonally related, potnetially. Depends where you are in terms of menopause. Are you still mentruating? Regularly? Sporadically? 

Good for you for wanting to start your new marriage under healthier communication patterns! Yes it's very hard to figure this out so it's really important you tell your fiancé exactly how you feel, what works, what doesn't work, and also be open to trying.

You're essentially retraining your sexual responses to include another person's actions to directly effect your orgasm. 

I wonder if you should refrain from masturbating while you're trying to retrain your sexual response? However often you typically masturbate, just plop your lady parts on his lap and do the following instead of masturbating.... (my husband absolutely love it when I do this so I bet your man will enjoy this as well! Don't forget coconut oil when doing this!)

Have him lightly place his hands on top of yours as you bring yourself off. After enough repitions, have him take over for your hands. After doing this often enough, have him take over earlier and earlier until your body is able to respond to his actions just as your body responds to yours.

Your man is a sensualist, which is awesome, while you are used to utilitarian sex. You cannot be expected to easily (after 25 years of doing it one way) switch to another way. You two have to blend your different approaches and sometimes that means "I need to orgasm now!" In time you two will be able to blend and provide one another with the sexual experience you each desire, but that can only happen with very open and honest communication.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Vibrators can work well, but it is possible to develop a dependence on them. That is fine as long as it doesn't bother the people involved. 





TheTruthHurts said:


> Congratulations on finding a winner! If he's a good partner you should feel comfortable being honest.
> 
> My W always wants to sprint to the finish line  though I would much rather take more time and do more "stuff". But I love her enthusiasm so I support this. And she is always happy to do whatever is necessary for me to get there.
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum. How wonderful that you have found such an amazing person for your second marriage. 

I have a few questions:

What have you verbally told your new man about how your body works in regard to orgasm?
Are comfortable having a detailed conversation about sex outside of the bed?
What has been his reactions to what you have told him so far?

I say the part about discussing it outside the bedroom, because it is a different dynamic at that point. I find it is easier and less chance of hurt feelings. Plus, it removes any conversation that could be viewed as negative from your actual bed. Separating the two in a way.

I wish you the very best! We hope you will stick around, you would be a nice asset to the board!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

learningagain said:


> Add to that the fact that I am 45 years old and am/will be facing menopause, I am starting to feel some distress.


I'll share some on this topic as it may help you have a conversation about it with your husband. First off, I am not a female so I can not empathize what it will take for you to observe a signaled end of your life's fertility. But I will tell you that you should share those feelings with your husband and do not feel like you have to keep them to yourself. While menopause is something you will have to learn how to accept and find ways to be positive about it, you may be surprised that your husband may be having his own personal struggle seeing you go through that as well. So it is actually very important to talk to him, and make this an experience that is shared.

Modern research now suggests that woman are capable of reaching their sexual peak at the age of 60. The reasons for this will make sense. If you have children, they should have become very independent by the time you are 60 and require much less time and energy from you. You will now have much more time and energy to devote to your husband. Also the two of you will no longer be concerned with getting pregnant and raising more children, so this will free the two of you to explore each other sexually solely for the purpose of bonding with one another and enjoying intimacy as a celebration of your union with one another. Nothing scary about that, right?

I'll share that my wife's cycles became rather problematic during her 40's and going through that was stressful. Add to that we also struggled with various forms of birth control to minimize risks to her health and doctors warned her after 40 that her health conditions could cause complications that would make any pregnancy much more risky for the baby compared the normal pregnancies she experienced with our children much earlier in life. So what does that translate to in our bedroom? It was like trying to be intimate while walking through a minefield, and praying that something bad does not happen that results in a pregnancy/miscarriage. Meanwhile our son is banging on the door complaining that he wants his mom to help him unstop the toilet because the cat ripped up a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet, and he needs to go really really bad! ...I remember telling my wife that I was fantasizing about the days when we no longer had to worry about her periods and that the kids were more independent. I told her that would be my biggest dream come true! (...because I was too chicken to get a vasectomy out of fear of the possible long term side effects some men experience.) 

So with a positive attitude and conversation, menopause can actually be something for you and your husband can look forwards to celebrating. The process of getting there may be challenging, but don't let that scare you into thinking that things will continue to deteriorate as you face these challenges. Love has many season, and for many the season of love after menopause is way more exciting than the teenage years. It is all about having a positive attitude and the confidence to continue sharing meaningful love together as you grow older with your spouse. As for the people that assume it will be horrible, those thoughts are likely what creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of no longer feeling worthy of being loved.

Why Sex After 60 Can be Better than Ever

How To Have The Best Sex Of Your Life During Menopause | The Huffington Post

Also after reading the sexual research completed by Masters and Johnson it was shocking to find the results of what happens to a woman's body when she decides to become sexually inactive into the later years. I can't remember the details, but essentially the genital linings along with urinary continence just begin to completely erode. Meanwhile women that continue to stay sexually active at least one a week with their partners benefit greatly from this as if these activities stimulate just enough hormones to keep them much healthier and more youthful (could simply be the extra happiness goes a long way with regards to health and wellbeing in the later years!). 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

What do you mean you can only orgasm with your own intervention?

Just kidding I know what you mean.

You need to educate him on what you like. As awkward as it may be, the payoff will be huge and you'll both benefit.

Try other toys. Sometimes bigger with many speeds isn't better than smaller with 2 speeds. 

My GF's vibrator is my best friend. Gets the job done quicker with greater satisfaction for her and then I get my turn.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

learningagain said:


> With the exception of the first few times of sexual relation, when things were new and sexual celibacy increased arousal, I am unable to achieve O without my own intervention, and this distresses him.


You can thank porn in large part for his silly notion that his magic member is the answer to ALL your orgasmic needs. In the past, he may have had a woman who could orgasm vaginally but I think there are also women who will fake it for men just because that seems to be the expectation today. That all women magically now have g-spot orgasms. It sure wasn't the 'norm' 20 or 30 years ago but it's suddenly become 'the standard' today. Generally, statistics say about half to three quarters of women have difficulty doing this, so you're *not* in the minority. Well, maybe you are in fake porn land where foolish men believe every woman does it. LMAO.

I think he sucks, quite frankly, for making you feel like you're inferior or acting as though there's something wrong with you because you need other stimulation to climax. It's a real sh*t attitude he has. Sorry, but it's true. If it 'distresses' him so much, maybe he should expend more effort into foreplay and pleasing you before intercourse instead of just assuming you should get there all by yourself because that's what he THINKS should happen.



> But sometimes I just want that O, and it is getting to feel awkward and embarrassing that I am having difficulty getting there, even with my own intervention.


And I say again, it's his *sh*t attitude *in making you feel inadequate because you need extra stimulation that's now interrupting your flow. Instead of embracing it and finding it sensual, he's making you feel embarrassed by it. Maybe if he educated himself on how a woman's body ACTUALLY works instead of thinking he knows it all, you wouldn't be feeling this way and doubting yourself.

Trust me when I tell you - there are 50, 60 and 70 year old men out there who are *still* completely clueless when it comes to how a woman's body works. COMPLETELY and UTTERLY clueless.

He needs education and an attitude change - in that order.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You can thank porn in large part for his silly notion that his magic member is the answer to ALL your orgasmic needs. In the past, he may have had a woman who could orgasm vaginally but I think there are also women who will fake it for men just because that seems to be the expectation today. That all women magically now have g-spot orgasms. It sure wasn't the 'norm' 20 or 30 years ago but it's suddenly become 'the standard' today. Generally, statistics say about half to three quarters of women have difficulty doing this, so you're *not* in the minority. Well, maybe you are in fake porn land where foolish men believe every woman does it. LMAO.
> 
> I think he sucks, quite frankly, for making you feel like you're inferior or acting as though there's something wrong with you because you need other stimulation to climax. It's a real sh*t attitude he has. Sorry, but it's true. If it 'distresses' him so much, maybe he should expend more effort into foreplay and pleasing you before intercourse instead of just assuming you should get there all by yourself because that's what he THINKS should happen.
> 
> ...




Hmmm can you tell us how you REALLY feel about her man?

Seriously, I think you're projecting quite a bit here. I believe the OP said this guy is into more foreplay than she is accustomed to rather than less. At least that's what I recall. And I hardly call this a sh*tty attitude - most women aren't direct and vocal about this stuff so most guys just have to guess what's going on.

I doubt it has to do with porn either. Men have always assumed their p is the ticket because it IS the most sensitive part for a man and it fits into a woman in her vajayjay just right - why would men NOT assume that is how things work for a woman unless she spoke up. 

Even then it's hard to believe for many guys. It seems a cruel hoax to make the p the center of pleasure for a man but move the pleasure target out of the line of fire, right?

It's like saying forget about the p just work the balls - that would sound nuts! 

So this guy is probably just "normal" as in uneducated or ignorant about OP's equipment and needs the operator manual and plenty of hands on instruction before he advances from apprentice to journeyman.

Fortunately the one on one training program is rewarding in its own right.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## learningagain (Dec 22, 2016)

*I appreciate again the input and support. The holidays have not afforded much opportunity for discussion OR practice, and I am actually looking forward to both.
*



Anon Pink said:


> @learningagain
> 
> Specifically addressing potential hormonal contributions to the difficulty of getting there...
> 
> ...





Spicy said:


> What have you verbally told your new man about how your body works in regard to orgasm?
> *Mostly just that it is very uncommon for me to O without my own intervention...but then I also told him I had never had O during oral sex, and well, we shot that one down, lol! That was awesome, but was one of those 'in the beginning' experiences.*
> 
> Are comfortable having a detailed conversation about sex outside of the bed? What has been his reactions to what you have told him so far?
> ...





She'sStillGotIt said:


> You can thank porn in large part for his silly notion that his magic member is the answer to ALL your orgasmic needs. In the past, he may have had a woman who could orgasm vaginally but I think there are also women who will fake it for men just because that seems to be the expectation today. That all women magically now have g-spot orgasms. It sure wasn't the 'norm' 20 or 30 years ago but it's suddenly become 'the standard' today. Generally, statistics say about half to three quarters of women have difficulty doing this, so you're *not* in the minority. Well, maybe you are in fake porn land where foolish men believe every woman does it. LMAO.
> 
> I think he sucks, quite frankly, for making you feel like you're inferior or acting as though there's something wrong with you because you need other stimulation to climax. It's a real sh*t attitude he has. Sorry, but it's true. If it 'distresses' him so much, maybe he should expend more effort into foreplay and pleasing you before intercourse instead of just assuming you should get there all by yourself because that's what he THINKS should happen.
> 
> ...


*I think you took too many liberties with not enough information. Quite frankly, I am bristling at your aggressive attitude. I assure you, he knows exactly how a woman's body works, and has never expected a PIV orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Additionally, I do NOT feel inadequate about needing what I need, just awkward that he is trying so hard (probably too hard, hence the pressure,) to get me there on his own (via multiple avenues) and I am not getting there. I am very much concerned about HIS potential feelings of inadequacy. *



TheTruthHurts said:


> I believe the OP said this guy is into more foreplay than she is accustomed to rather than less. At least that's what I recall. And I hardly call this a sh*tty attitude
> *Yes, and YES. Thank you.*
> 
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You are so completely on the right track! Sounds like you have a great guy there, and have lots of fun ahead of you. :grin2:


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## WoundedTiger (Dec 26, 2016)

One of my "favorite" challenges as a specialist in bioidentical hormones and sexual health. 

The first thing is hormonal optimization if you can. Menopause is not a fence you cross, but more like a downhill slope. Seeing a hormone specialist that can look at it all and balance it will likely be helpful.
Secondly, you can also now have your physician prescribe compounded Oxytocin, which is applied on clitoris and makes it swell under surface. Only 1/3 of the clit is visible. When we got the first samples of this, it was marketed as "scream cream" and will help ANY woman get better orgasms.
Thirdly, are you in general dehydrated? Not talking about ahi all dryness only as that is hormonal, but rather your general hydration. 
Otherwise, the biggest health issues that can lead to this is: Hormonal imbalance; diabetes with neuropathy, but also if you are taking certain medications. 

Finally, this can spin into a vicious cycle if the partner feels guilty or bad about it. This has to do with super-openness and exploration. You can even do some porn search and find INSTRUCTIONAL videos about this in specific as long as this is something you both would feel comfortable with.


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## learningagain (Dec 22, 2016)

Well, SO and I had a lovely time together this morning, practicing the "join me there" technique that did indeed lead to a Big O.  

And it sparked conversation a couple hours later, started by HIM! I was so glad I had already been here, heard the advice given so far, and had had a chance to think about how such a conversation might go, because it went VERY well. We both had opportunity to speak candidly about our anxieties and insecurities and old habits and preconceived notions.....so I am SO grateful for the help and support I have received here so far.

Obviously it is not a matter of Problem Solved but we have really great opportunities ahead for exploration and communication. His main suggestion was that we take intentional opportunities to explore each other's sensation responses and associations....hmmm...best homework EVER? 



WoundedTiger said:


> One of my "favorite" challenges as a specialist in bioidentical hormones and sexual health.
> 
> The first thing is hormonal optimization if you can. Menopause is not a fence you cross, but more like a downhill slope. Seeing a hormone specialist that can look at it all and balance it will likely be helpful.
> *I have a women's health appointment coming up in a couple weeks, and I will definitely discuss some of these issues there. I had not thought to, so I am glad you mentioned it.*
> ...


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