# Please Help Communication Making Reconcilliation Difficult



## hoohagirl

I need help. After my husband shocked me by telling me not only was he miserable but he had been for years and it was because of me followed by his choice to leave our home, abandon our joint responsibilities and tell me he wants a divorce...... it has been four months of hell. In the last two months he has started to make steps towards wanting to work on our marriage and recently committed to working on our marriage and going to marriage counseling but does not yet want to come home. 

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR..... However, I have so much anger built up now regarding how he has handled things when he did this. He told all of our friends and his family not to talk to me, he lied to me, he told the whole world he was leaving me, etc. Every time he takes a step forward I find my anger beginning to bubble as I feel like he has gotten to be angry, blame me, betray me, run away and I have not gotten to be angry about all the damage he did in how he handled this. 

We keep fighting every time we see each other because I have all of these feelings of anger and hurt. I don't trust him and I feel like he blamed me for everything. He IS taking steps in the right direction and yet I can't let go of my hurt and anger about everything that has happened since this started....

What do I do?


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## that_girl

Tell him you're angry about the situation.

You are hurt that he just up and left you.

Let it out. Have a night to just tell him how you feel and get those negative feelings out.


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## brokenbythis

I'm in the same boat. My STBXH called me a few days ago after me doing the 180 and no contact rule put in place by me. Said he wanted to work on our marriage and continue counselling. Well... I agreed because I want to make sure I have done everything to save my family before I call it quits. 

Problem is since I've had my own life back (No contact) I've come to a place where I am at peace and actually happy. Now he's back in the picture all the old angry feelings come back. He has done so much to hurt me (but loves to blame me for the marriage breaking down). I think of the issues we have and get so upset.

Its like I finally realized his idea of marriage and mine are very, very different. I want a husband, life partner, best friend who will always be there for me. He wants little bits of these things and I feel, no full committment or emotional connection from him. He has close female "friends", and friends who have treated me so disrespectfully and he defends them. He has no ability to place boundaries with other people and their horrible behaviour but has no problem telling me what I can and cannot do to "control his life".

He does not want to place boundaries or stand up to his friends as he "doesn't want to lose them", but he has no problem driving me away. Its like he has zero idea what a marriage is supposed to be.

I am so confused...


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## brighterlight

OK, the breakup of a marriage can not be blamed on one partner; both are at fault! Get your anger out but get it out in a constructive manner. EXPLAIN your feelings in a letter, use feeling words. Compare how you felt/feel with something both of you may have experienced together. Let him read it next to you, then talk about how you feel. Remember that neither one of you has feelings that are right or wrong, they are just feelings. Do NOT to get into a discussion, stick to your feelings - how you feel, then let him have a turn and listen. Don't use words like "you" or "because" if you can help it. Try to let him know that the way that you behaved to cause him to believe you were the problem was a direct reflection of the way he made you feel if that was the case - it usually is - no one comes into a marriage thinking that they want to behave poorly towards their spouse. You both probably fed off of each others attitudes and behaviors.
If the above makes sense to you, PM me and I can let you know what my nearly stbxw and I did to start to change our lives around. Believe me, we've been to hell and back also; anger, family, and all. It's been a long road. I hope that you can find a good solution to save your marriage.


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