# Why should I stay faithful?



## AnotherJason (Mar 26, 2012)

Been with my wife for 10 years, married 5. 
If your spouse is always checking up on you, asking leading questions, asking the same questions you already answered, and generally not trusting you... why should you stay faithful?
I'm getting treated like a cheating spouse without ever doing the crime!
I don't want another woman and still think my 42 year old wife is beautiful and great in bed, no sexual problems.
When we fight about her not trusting me she usually says it's her own insecurity and she hates feeling this way. She hates the way her head spins these wild stories about how I could be cheating but she can't keep quiet and eventually starts drilling me with these interrogations.
This is a cycle that has been going on since very early in our relationship.
So why did I marry her with these signs showing? Because at first she said it was because her previous husband cheated so now it will just take a little time for her to trust me. 
Then her excuse was because while we were dating we lived about 50 miles apart and she never knew what I could be up to while we were apart during the week.
After 2 years of dating we moved in together and her excuse was because we weren't married, she didn't feel I was fully committed to her without that wedding ring on her finger.
So here we are, 5 years into the marriage and it's still the same. No trust.
My head used to tell me maybe SHE was cheating and felt guilty so she was putting it on me. Well I've checked up on her a couple times without her knowing and she's clean as a whistle, just like me.
I've told her a few times that this behavior hurts me badly and undermines our relationship severely. She apologizes and everything is fine for another few months, then WHAMMO out of the blue, she hits me again with the ridiculous questions.
I now know, that it is me that has to do something. I need to either live with it, or get out of the marriage. 
Why the hell would she destroy the relationship over this? Every person dreams of having a faithful partner don't they? WTF?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell her she needs to seek therapy or you will leave.

Don't cheat. You are not that guy. I can tell already. Don't compromise your integrity out of spite.

She does need therapy though.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I agree with that_girl that you need to encourage her to seek therapy. Obviously, after all of this time with you, someone who has done the right thing in honoring their committment, she has not dealt with the trauma of her last husband's cheating on her.

This is a very toxic situation to continue in and if she really wants your marriage to work, then she needs to find some help asap.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Yeah she needs to address her low self-worth, trust issues and I am sure there is more and get into some IC asap. I think a good MC would help too.

Don't cheat you don't need to make that mistake and have to deal with the fall out. It is a long road back from what I understand.

When it hits again and she is accusing try looking at what is happening in your lives. It could be that things are going on that she can only attribute to "he must be in an affair". But the problem lies in her if it is her first explination. (Like triggers from her past relationship)
Good luck


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Stupid question. I assume it was for dramatic effect.

So she gets a little crazy every few months. You act like a man and shut it down - you tell her she's gorgeous and how could possibly go looking for something elsewhere when you've got the sexiest, hottest woman in the world in your bed.

If she persists with the questioning, you remind her that this happens every few months and you talk her down. Why are you making this harder than it needs to be?


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Ah-- my H is like your wife, constantly in doubt, suspiscious and just untrusting. It is their own fears, we cannot unfortunately MAKE THEM realize unless they make the conscious decision to stop being that way.

I know how it feels to constantly be asked questions ... it become irritating, especially when you aren't doing anything. 

She need to either get a grip on her own thinking or seek help from a professional. Talk to her and tell her exactly how it is making you feel... she might pass it on as just "talking" when it is constant and annoying to you... 

I've told my H before that his insane doubts are just getting irritating now, and I have better things to worry about in life than his jelousy... he kind of stopped and thought about it... worked for a bit, but jealously runs deep. It is sometimes in the make up of the person.. the jealousy, the doubt. if you have done nothing to provoke her doubts, then she will more than likely need help. 

be patient... sometimes maybe a chat from a friend will even help her see things clearly....


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## AnotherJason (Mar 26, 2012)

Thank you for the quick feedback guys!
We have been in MC before to address this and both of us in IC. 
I was almost being facetious in asking if I should stay faithful, of course I will. Bit it does start to feel like I'm paying the price for a crime I didn't commit.
The problem with counseling is that I have to pay for everything and that gets expensive fast. I've paid for it in the past for several months but I'm convinced those counselors will milk a situation forever if they can. I never saw enough results to justify the extreme cost.
I'm just don't know what to do to help someone boost their self esteem. I've paid for her to start college again to try to help improve her self worth to get a better job.
You're also right about me laying down the law and saying I will do something drastic like leave if the behavior continues, but OMG that's intense to think about. She's totally dependent on me financially so kicking her into the street is not something I'm prepared to do over this.
I guess that's it though isn't it? She'll continue until she sees me do more than get mad for a few days?


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## AnotherJason (Mar 26, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> Stupid question. I assume it was for dramatic effect.
> 
> So she gets a little crazy every few months. You act like a man and shut it down - you tell her she's gorgeous and how could possibly go looking for something elsewhere when you've got the sexiest, hottest woman in the world in your bed.
> 
> If she persists with the questioning, you remind her that this happens every few months and you talk her down. Why are you making this harder than it needs to be?


Thank you for the straight talk, I seriously appreciate your straightforwardness.
The problem I have with your approach is that I think trust is the basis for everything else in my marriage. If you don't have trust then what do you have? Seriously... what do you have?
I want someone who is in my corner no matter freaking what. Take it to the bank, partners in crime, blood brothers type of trust. Well I've given up on that pipe dream now after 10 years.
But this is exactly why I posted, to get some outside feedback.

...and you're right about my rhetorical title question, but you have to come up with something clever to get people to read your thread! lol


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

AnotherJason said:


> Been with my wife for 10 years, married 5.
> If your spouse is always checking up on you, asking leading questions, asking the same questions you already answered, and generally not trusting you... why should you stay faithful?
> I'm getting treated like a cheating spouse without ever doing the crime!


So according to your logic, if someone accused me of being a bank robber or even a murderer, I should go hold up the local Citibank or shoot someone in the head? 

I'm really trying to understand what you're trying to get at here. Accusing someone makes it ok for them to do whatever it is you think they did even if they didn't do it. 

I am going to accuse someone of winning the lottery and let's see if it happens. If so, I'll update this thread.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

IMO, ... she's just very insecure. 
Most likely just needs to hear "reassurance" that you are not cheating and needs reassurance that you still love her.

Sounds like she plays different scenarios over & over in her head... (Ie, you're an hour late home from work: Is he working late? Is he picking me up something? Did he stop at a bar? Is he flirting with the waitress? Is he cheating? ) Then possibly is taking the worst "explaination" she can come up with & plays it over & over & decides what she would do IF that was the case....

Finally, her insecure imagination is too much for her to bear, so she starts drilling you for all the answers that she could not answer herself. That she could not "explain away".


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Oh, and to answer the Thread title: "why shoud i stay faithful?"

Because you love her.
Because if you don't, you're gonna feel like hell.
Because you would be throwing away any future "good" years of your marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Either she was screwed over in childhood (bcause this is extreme)...or she has screwed someone over and worries you are like her.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

I may be going against the crowd, but I feel that you need to put your foot down and follow that girl's suggestion: Tell her she needs to seek therapy (AND CHANGE) or you will leave. (and mean what you say)

Let me explain my reasons why I say this: This has been going for *TEN bloody years *now. _ And it hasn't gotten any better._

And you have already done all simpler things to address it, including enough counseling to figure out the limits of it.

And nothing has changed.

You are not trusted.

And you are correct. With no trust from your wife, a whole wonderful part of life will *NEVER be yours*.

Yes, it's very intense to even think about. But you already know that from experience - this situation has driven you to lie awake at night and ponder doing just that.

You can't make her well or better or happier. That is up to her to do. All you can do is choose and control what you do.

To have the possibility of effecting change, you have to take this to a level higher than you have gone in the last 10 years. Laying ending the marriage on the table is about the only way left to do that.

And consider both sides of the outcome (ignoring all the hysterics that will initially come from her).

Side 1 - She finally "womans up" and makes the decision to trust you in way that will internally stick - your putting a boundary down and enforcing it will have shaken her up enough for her to see that she has to change (instead of you doing all the work). If this happens, you win a wonderful lifetime with a woman you love.

Side 2 - She can't.. or more accurately... wont change, and continues to blast you with insecurity, and you calmly tell her "I love you, but this situation is going to kill me and you've had 10 years to change, but you've shown me that you can't. We need to go our separate ways". And it is true. And it will be best for the mental health of both of you. It'll hurt. a lot. But it will hurt less than a lifetime of not being trusted. You will have made the best of a bad situation.

and the invisible other, other side

Side 3 - She has actually had an affair.. or been tempted to so much in her mind that she's all torn up mentally about it. In this case you also win. You dodge a bullet that you didn't even know was fired. This was something I experienced first hand. I didn't know about my ex- wife's cheating in the early day, but it should have been obvious from her pillow talk (the rare times we had sex).

/going out on a limb here

If you do go this route, there is one thing you may consider, though some here would disagree with me on ethics: Plant a keylogger and VAR in her car before you drop the boom and/or check her phone afterwards. The goal is to see how she really reacts - not what she tell you as she will be "managing the situation" with you, and probably concealing a lot of her true reactions. The goal here is not to catch her being unfaithful (though it can provide very strong confirmation that she has or has not been), but to get an honest gauge of how much she actually trusts, and more importantly, RESPECTS you. I know that sounds very sneaky/dishonest, but you're not going to get a true reading on that directly from her. I mean, do you think she would tell you to your face "I don't respect you", etc? You need an "outside" window to see her true colors when faced with you putting down a hard limit like this. That information, and confirmation, will give you either the strength to go through with it (because is it best for both of you), or it will give you the insight and reasons to once again put your trust in her that she will be able to change. I'll add that it's a distinct possibility that she will agree to therapy and say she will change, but won't be successful, and quite possibly not be taking / making a serious effort to change once you are not constantly on her. It goes without saying that you don't tell her you were checking up her, but I feel you have a right to do so - with 10 years together and a marriage on the line, you need all the unbiased facts you can get so you can do what is right for your situation, and do it with confidence and conviction, as this effects you just as much as it does her.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Seek out a congnitive behavior therapist....I have one now for the first time and WOW! He is good....and he focuses on actually making changes in your thinking to help you be a more secure person with a healthy outlook on life and a way to actually deal with insecurities. 

In my new relationship I have been like your wife. And until I started with this therapist, nothing he did ever calmed my fears and anxiety. It was rediculous and hard for me to deal with myself! I am not 'fixed' yet, but I'm headed that way! BTW my ex cheated on me....before that I was 'normal'! lol 

I know for me, I don't want to treat my SO the way I am but without changing how I think about situations, NOTHING will change! 

Good luck....and keep being patient like you have been.....it is important for us insecure people to be reassured.....over and over and over and over again. Hopefully you can find some help like I am currently getting....


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Do you have any other issues with the wife? When she starts drilling how bad is it? Has this pattern improved or gotten worse over time?

Ask her questions such as what causes her to trigger the negative thought process? Does she realize how it makes you feel? Is there anything she can do or you can do to make her feel more secure. Looks like she realizes her mistake, but is not able to fix it. Make her think. Try to be her therapist and see if you can handle it with a calm mind without taking it personally as much as possible. Meditation/Yoga might be of help to her


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

hisfac said:


> So according to your logic, if someone accused me of being a bank robber or even a murderer, I should go hold up the local Citibank or shoot someone in the head?
> 
> I'm really trying to understand what you're trying to get at here. Accusing someone makes it ok for them to do whatever it is you think they did even if they didn't do it.
> 
> I am going to accuse someone of winning the lottery and let's see if it happens. If so, I'll update this thread.


Seriously mate, take a chill pill, he is frustrated at being held as guilty for a crime that he hasn't committed,he is on here venting a little, don't take every word someone types verbatim... ya know....


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I do think you could read this as an obvious call for therapy due to low self-esteem.

Have you ever given her any kind of reason not to trust you, even about something small? I'm not talking about cheating, but rather some kind of emotional wall or even something as simple as not showing up when you say you will - she is worried about cheating but it could be any sort of trust issue that could be triggering it and it manifests itself as interrogations about cheating since that's her greatest fear.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

My FIL had to deal with this from my MIL. She was incredibly jealous and insecure for no logical reason. She had strong feelings of abandonment; there was a gaping hole in her that nothing could fill.

The FIL dealt with the craziness with humor. He would put his arms around her and joke that he was a handsome Lothario who was panting to have sex with every woman he saw. He was incredibly tolerant, however. I don't know how he stood it. I do like the suggestion of cognitive behavioral therapy. She has to learn how to change her thinking.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

hisfac said:


> So according to your logic, if someone accused me of being a bank robber or even a murderer, I should go hold up the local Citibank or shoot someone in the head?
> 
> I'm really trying to understand what you're trying to get at here. Accusing someone makes it ok for them to do whatever it is you think they did even if they didn't do it.
> 
> I am going to accuse someone of winning the lottery and let's see if it happens. If so, I'll update this thread.


Pick me, Pick me!!! :woohoo:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

AnotherJason said:


> Been with my wife for 10 years, married 5.
> If your spouse is always checking up on you, asking leading questions, asking the same questions you already answered, and generally not trusting you... why should you stay faithful?
> I'm getting treated like a cheating spouse without ever doing the crime!
> I don't want another woman and still think my 42 year old wife is beautiful and great in bed, no sexual problems.
> ...


My hubs is just like your wife. It has to do with their own insecurities and their maturity level. 

My hubs was cheated on by an ex-girlfriend, and he brought those thoughts and feelings into our relationship/marriage. We've been together 11 years, married for 8 years, and he STILL says stupid things from time to time. I feel like you do.....if there's no trust, what is there? :scratchhead:


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## AnotherJason (Mar 26, 2012)

Mephisto said:


> Seriously mate, take a chill pill, he is frustrated at being held as guilty for a crime that he hasn't committed,he is on here venting a little, don't take every word someone types verbatim... ya know....


Exactly.
My thread title is rhetorical. I used it to make a point. In other words, if you're going to treat me like I've cheated on you then what's going to happen if I really do cheat... get treated like I cheated on you? I'm not actually considering cheating.

I sure appreciate the feedback from everyone! What a great resource I've found. I hope I can contribute to help others.

How intense are these times when she starts asking questions? They relatively mild as far as yelling or anger or her getting too emotional, rather they are the timing that bothers me the most. They'll come right in the middle of the best of times.
The most recent example was Sunday night right as we're going to bed. We had a great weekend together! Friday night was date night at home where I brought home pizza and we watched a funny movie together and generally snuggled on the couch. Saturday started with awesome intimate relations that lasted over 2 hours! That evening we went out dancing with her best friend from out of town. Sunday we again hung out at the house all day in our jammies together. Very close and connected. Then that night, pow, out of nowhere comes questions about why my pants in the laundry smelled like perfume (it was the new cologne SHE had bought me, I put some on when we went out Sat night). She was with me every single second, how could I have possibly gotten another woman's perfume on me?!? She literally SAW me pull those clean jeans out of my drawer and put them on before we went out Saturday! The questioning come from so out-of-the-blue that I stammered and couldn't answer why my pants smelled like that. I'm sure to an outsider I looked guilty and caught red-handed as I fumbled for an answer. My mind raced through the past evening trying to answer why my pants would've smelled like that. With me shrugging and stammering she is now like a duck after a slug... relentless.
It wasn't until the next morning on my way to work that it hit me... it was the cologne.

See what I mean about the timing? Naturally I could understand her asking me about something weird like my pants smelling under regular circumstances. Maybe more casually like, "huh, that's weird... your pants gave off a funny smell when I was doing laundry, what do you think that is from?"

Over the years when I've analyzed why she waits until things are really great between us, I have to conclude that she feels like she doesn't deserve to be in a good relationship. She subconsciously undermines us right when things are going the best. I've told her this many times. You deserve to be happy honey. You deserve this great relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AnotherJason--I have been in your situation before with an ex who used to accuse accuse accuse all the time and would go on witchunts trying to find out something that simply wasn't true. 

The problem is hers. She is deeply insecure and paranoid.

It is EXHAUSTING and makes you start resenting that person.

Sit her down and have a firm talk with her about hwo much this is turning you off. I can relate to you so much beause I've been there. It's annoying as f8ck.


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

INSECURITY is a HUGE PART OF JEALOUSY - Insecure people always need re-assurance. They feel like they do not measure up, so they constantly fear others.. that girl that might be prettier, the man than might be more handsome, the one that is more successful... They do not feel confident in their own skin, so they pass the doubts to their partners to make sure they aren't left behind in the dark.

Insecurity is the worse! I often said I would not marry an insecure man, because even at a young age, I knew that insecre people tend to be clingy, possessive and jealous. 

Bad thing is that my H never showed signs of this PRIOR to getting married... I suppose he was trying not to? But here is am married 20 years to a clingy, possessive and jealous man... *sigh*


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

AnotherJason said:


> but I'm convinced those counselors will milk a situation forever if they can. I never saw enough results to justify the extreme cost.


I read a book recently that touches on this very same issue you speak of, and the statistics are staggering... 81% of all private practice therapists in the U.S. say they do marital therapy, but only 12% of them are actually *certified* marriage and family therapists who were required to take course work in the field. 

Make sure you're going to see an actual certified, licensed marriage therapist.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Just wondering you say you are the bread winner and you pay for the MC and IC and her school.........um is she really completly dependent on you? 
It sounds like she needs a job, even part time. It might help her feel better about her self. Just a thought.


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## AnotherJason (Mar 26, 2012)

She does work part time. She earns just enough to pay for her car insurance and gas and a little more for snacks, coffee, etc.
This is why I offered to pay for her college, to help get her more employable and to help her self esteem.
Good observation, thank you.


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