# Husband jealous of girls trip



## jules41 (Jun 23, 2011)

I have a "girls trip" with my mom and sisters once a year. This is something that is very important to my mom to keep her daughters close. We have been to NYC, Seattle, San Fransisco and other places. We always have a great time, tons of laughing and bonding, and we all look forward to it every year. My mom pays for the entire trip 100%. We all have small children and very busy lives and this is a way that we can build sister/mother/daughter relationships for a few days. 

So... my husband hates these trips. It causes a little fight every year with his jealousy. He claims that I would be "pissed off" if he went on a trip with his mom and sister. They are not long (4 days) and he always has a fun time with the kids while I am gone. My mom just booked the trip for this year, a cruise to the Bahamas. I was so excited until I told my husband about it. He basically threw a tantrum and said, "That is f-ing ridiculous. I can't believe you are going somewhere that we have never been and could never go as a family. I hope you have fun, while we can barely afford a lame family vacation this year. Actually, I hope there is a hurricane while you are there." He went on and on, being a total jerk about it.

I don't know what to do. I think he is being a jealous baby. He very rarely uses the f word, so that was a little crazy in the conversation. I love my husband, and I would love to go on a fancy trip with him and my kids, but we simply cannot afford it. I love these trips with my mom. Should I seriously consider not going? I think that would make me resent him and would cause even more problems.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You should go.
You're right, he's having a tantrum.
What he said is unacceptable and juvenile.
It sounds to me, like you need a vacation from someone who would treat you so badly. He is in man-provider-mode. Just frustrated he can't give you what your mom gives you. So remind him of all the things he has given you that have no dollar value, that only he can give you. Then pack.


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

I agree, he's being unreasonable. Sounds like a huge baby with that hurricane comment!!! How nasty of him! 

Everyone needs close bonds outside their marriage. Tell him to get over himself!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree the way he is communicating to you is terrible and immature.

I think what he is trying to say is that he misses you, and he wishes there were a way that you and he could be the ones leaving the kids behind and enjoying the bonding time. I'm probably projecting from my own life but he probably doesn't really mind the trip, he is frustrated that your mom gets this special bonding time with you and he doesn't. How often do you go away for 4 days with just him, without the kids?

He is behaving poorly but if you are having fights every year about this, he's probably building up resentment too... not saying it's reasonable, just something to think about...


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Does he take care of the small children while you are away? I know that when our kids were small and my wife would go out of town on business trips that it caused a whole lot of extra work for me. Now I cook, clean and do kid activities but the extra load would always affect my mood and she could detect it. This for me wasn't so bad but at family functions with her family I was relegated to being the baby sitter for the kids at the functions while she got to have all the fun and relaxation. This caused be to be quite resentful of it since we had multiple events per year. It seemed like I was less of a husband and more of a tool. For me this really came to a head after her mom died and I was at the end of my rope at the very worst time. When I should have been supporting her I was an additional problem.

Now, once per year for four days or so is really not bad. I think that is a bit of an over reaction but you should take the time to find out what it is that is really bothering him before it escalates into other facets of the marriage. Perhaps he has become jealous of the relaxation you manage to get that he doesn't. If thats the case find a way to let him relax to his satisfaction. 

Talk to him and listen.


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

Of course he's jealous. You get to build mother/sister/daughter relationships without kids on a nice vacation that he wishes he could take YOU on with or without kids...

You've had your whole life to build the mother/sister/daughter relationship. You look forward to this all year. What do you and your husband have that you 'look forward' to. I bet he doesn't think there's anything he has to offer that can compete and it probably makes him feel pretty small.

Sorry, don't post much but read a lot, had similar issues in my marriage as well, so wanted to get a guys point of view in that's been there, done that. Yes, it doesn't cost the both of you a dime. Yes, it's kinda fun playing with the kids while momma's away. Yes, it's just 4 days. It also makes him feel like less of a man because HE should be the one taking you on these vacations, but he can't afford it. So instead of building husband/wife/children relationships, you opt for the mother/sister/daughter ones in a nicer setting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

jules41,
What is the relationship between your husband and your mom/sisters like?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I imagine that part of it is related to his role as a provider. Almost every family man has the desire to provide for his family similar to almost every woman who wants to be a mother. He has always wanted to go with you to the Bahamas and hoped that the two of you could share those memories together. I imagine that he is angry at himself for not providing "enough" for you guys to be able to go on this trip together. I would talk to him. Let him know how much you appreciate him letting you go on these trips. Tell him how much you appreciate him providing for the family. Plan another trip for the two of you (for 5, 10, etc. years) and start saving. Inform your mother that you and your husband are planning for a trip to ______________ and ask her kindly to make sure you don't have a mother/sister/daughter trip to that place.

All in all, I don't think your husband's reaction is about you as much as it is about him. Have fun on the trip. It is important to maintain family connections.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

So you think it's ok to escape and have fun while your husband is stuck with with kids? Good one for being selfish. You should thank your mom for ripping your marriage apart. Wow. Does your husband get to escape at some point too like getting away with the guys?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Of course he's jealous. You get to build mother/sister/daughter relationships without kids on a nice vacation that he wishes he could take YOU on with or without kids...
> 
> You've had your whole life to build the mother/sister/daughter relationship. You look forward to this all year. What do you and your husband have that you 'look forward' to.


Agreed.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> I imagine that part of it is related to his role as a provider. Almost every family man has the desire to provide for his family similar to almost every woman who wants to be a mother. He has always wanted to go with you to the Bahamas and hoped that the two of you could share those memories together. I imagine that he is angry at himself for not providing "enough" for you guys to be able to go on this trip together. I would talk to him. Let him know how much you appreciate him letting you go on these trips. Tell him how much you appreciate him providing for the family. Plan another trip for the two of you (for 5, 10, etc. years) and start saving. Inform your mother that you and your husband are planning for a trip to ______________ and ask her kindly to make sure you don't have a mother/sister/daughter trip to that place.
> 
> All in all, I don't think your husband's reaction is about you as much as it is about him. Have fun on the trip. It is important to maintain family connections.


Yup.

I understand his feelings.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is an opportunity for you.
I think he perceives that you are "giving" to you fam of origin what you don't "give" to him. Things like respect, time together, admiration and recreational companionship. I'm sure there are many things he could do to be better at meeting your needs, he is clearly expressing needs that you are not meeting. 

His reaction is not fair and not right... So you can get on some moral high ground which will do nothing for your marriage, or use it as an opportunity to improve your marriage.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> This is an opportunity for you.
> I think he perceives that you are "giving" to you fam of origin what you don't "give" to him. Things like respect, time together, admiration and recreational companionship. I'm sure there are many things he could do to be better at meeting your needs, he is clearly expressing needs that you are not meeting.
> 
> His reaction is not fair and not right... So you can get on some moral high ground which will do nothing for your marriage, or use it as an opportunity to improve your marriage.


:iagree:

While it would be nice if we could always communicate well with our spouses, a lot of times a spouse, like your husband, will throw out one of these 'tests' to their partner. The partner's gut reaction is often one of annoyance, but if you listen to it carefully, it can often give you clues as to what is underlying the surface.

Instead of just brushing it off as jealousy, see if you can find out if there is an underlying need that is causing your husband to react this way, then try and figure out ways that you can help to meet that need for him.

And, it is possible that need may not have anything to do with you. For instance, what is his relationship like with his family of origin? Does he wish that he could have the kind of relationship with them that you have with yours? Just as an example.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How come your rich mom always plans vacations that exclude the rest of the family?

I get the positives of getting to go play hookey. But on the flip side, why doesn't she ever want to bring along the grandkids and her SIL?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do NOT give up your trips that are important to you and your mom. I did that, just to please my husband, several times, and now my whole family is gone, and I never got to spend time with them. All because I tried to placate my husband.

That said, it's an excellent opportunity for you two to be honest with each other; show him you still love him, but it's important to you, and you want to have both in your life. Then ask him to brainstorm with you how you two and your kids can enjoy something similar.

Are you putting aside $50/month for a vacation? You should be. You can do a lot on $600 once a year; but if you never put the money aside, you never will be able to afford it.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> Then ask him to brainstorm with you how you two and your kids can enjoy something similar.


:iagree:

Or, maybe even better, just the two of you.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> So you think it's ok to escape and have fun while your husband is stuck with with kids? Good one for being selfish. You should thank your mom for ripping your marriage apart. Wow. Does your husband get to escape at some point too like getting away with the guys?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be so dramatic. It's a once a year thing and he will survive four days with the kids. I personally relished days like this because I can spend some time with my boy the way I want. Let her have her time with family. He's being a baby. If he wants to take a vacation then he should man up and save some money or get a better job that let's his family do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> So you think it's ok to escape and have fun while your husband is stuck with with kids? Good one for being selfish. You should thank your mom for ripping your marriage apart. Wow. Does your husband get to escape at some point too like getting away with the guys?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh and it disgusts me when I hear a parent use the word "burden" or the phrase "being stuck" when referring to kids. Kids are a blessing even when they are being little turds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Sanity said:


> Oh and it disgusts me when I hear a parent use the word "burden" or the phrase "being stuck" when referring to kids. Kids are a blessing even when they are being little turds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sheesh - how noble of hubby to parent while his wife is gone. My H just went to beautiful island city (1000 miles away) to spend 5 days with his dad and sister. I parented our children for 5 days all on my own! Yay me! We couldn't afford for me to go. And sometimes you just want to hang with your childhood family and talk over old times without bored in-laws. I missed my H like crazy but loved alone time with the kids and happy he could spend nice time with family. We'll go this summer somewhere. He is being petty. I think it's a nice tradition I'd love to do with my kids someday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jules41 (Jun 23, 2011)

Wow, this board is fantastic! Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. I was feeling so frustrated and I have never believed in discussing my marital arguments with family or friends. It is so nice to have some outside opinions to help work through my feelings. I really appreciate all of the replies.

Husband has been out of town for work and I have not been interested in talking to him. When he called, I just had the kids answer and talk to him and then I was very short and cold. I guess I can act like a baby too. 

Anyway, I talked to him tonight, and he brought it up first. He apologized, said he felt really bad about what he said and how he reacted. He didn't want his bad behavior to put a damper on my trip. 

Your comments really helped with my understanding of his point of view and helped me to listen rather than fly off the handle and relive the first conversation like I probably would have done.
@ Brian ~ I think you are right on and have great advice. We had talked about going to the Bahamas and have looked at paradise island several times, but it has been way out of our price range. I had no idea my mom was planning that, so I guess it hit a nerve with DH. I love your advise of planning a trip and asking my mom not to pick that place. She would respect that.
@Powerbane~ My husband does not view time with our children as being "stuck with the kids". They always have a great time while I am gone and he is a wonderful dad. I do appreciate your harsh honesty though. If I wanted everyone to agree with me, I wouldn't ask for advise. And yes, he does actually get his man time escape. He goes with his long time buddies every year to Vegas. I think that counts.  Plus, tons of golfing and skiing with friends all year long. 
@Hicks/Enchantment/Golfer Girl/everyone else ~ Thank you. Your comments really hit home and made me really think about underlying issues.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

My wife did this after being married after five short months of marriage. She went on a vacation with her sister and her familt to NSB. I was not invited. Call me selfish but We were still in the honeymoon stage and she was ready for seperate vacations? So I stayed behind and she went off for fours days with just her sister and her family. Well guess what happened. Her sister brain washed her into leaving me. Dont belive me read my other post on here. That bi*ch destoryed our marriage. 

Thanks casey the binge drinker.....


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

jules41 said:


> Wow, this board is fantastic! Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. I was feeling so frustrated and I have never believed in discussing my marital arguments with family or friends. It is so nice to have some outside opinions to help work through my feelings. I really appreciate all of the replies.
> 
> Husband has been out of town for work and I have not been interested in talking to him. When he called, I just had the kids answer and talk to him and then I was very short and cold. I guess I can act like a baby too.
> 
> ...


So while you husband was out of town, you were short and cold with him and once he got back, he apologized? I wonder why....

Granted, the vegas trips change my thoughts somewhat, if he gets to do that, why shouldn't you get to go out with your mom and sis? I guess the big question is do you and your husband go on vacations (no matter how small and affordable) or does he get his vegas trip, you get the freebie w/ family, and thats it? If thats the case, he needs to drop the vegas trip and come up with something for all of you to do (or even better, have one with just the two of you).....


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Opinions here seem to vary considerably. Only problem is most are fairly worthless. The OP has not given near enough info to suggest either party should be labeled in anyway. 

When disagreements like this come up, fault and blame, who is right and who is wrong, and who is selfish and who is acting like a baby don't solve anything. Your husband perceives a problem with this trip; therefore, IT IS A PROBLEM and needs to be addressed through some degree of compromise. Just go, he will get over it, is not a healthy solution. For those of you who "solve" your disagreements like this, its no wonder you found this site

Whether others feel he is acting like a baby or the OP is being selfish makes little difference. Resentment can fester over things like this and quickly drive a wedge into the marriage. Both spouses need to sit down with open minds and listen to each others concerns and feelings on the matter. Listen to what the other has to say without interruption and do not "keep score". If any decision is made without compromise, they both lose.


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