# Molested when I was little



## Leilagrapes (Feb 5, 2021)

A couple months ago I starded going to a therapist. She made me remember this I didn’t ever want to talk about. I keep them to myself never brought them up. 
until yesterday when my 3 year old kept on sitting on my husband lap this happens a lot. She is little and I understand. So I mention it to my husband how it made me feel uncomfortable
He shut down and aggressively told me I always wanted to start drama 
I then told him what I found happen to me that is why I felt uncomfortable 
He is currently mad at me after I told him I was molested when I was a child and that is why I feel uncomfortable when my daughter is constantly on top of him. 
he just got home from work I confessed yesterday and now we are in a none speaking terms
I feel so alone


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

This is a tough situation, and you and your husband are both handling it poorly. That is understandable because neither of you have the tools to deal with it, yet. Try to be patient and understanding with each other. 

Of course your husband is upset... You basically accused him of sexually abusing, or being capable of sexually abusing, his daughter. That's a _very_ hard thing to hear. 

Yes, your husband should have handled it better when you told him about your CSA. He was already upset, which didn't help, and he may have no clue how to handle it. That is something that can be worked on. I'd suggest he join you for some therapy sessions when you're feeling up to it, or even marriage counseling with someone who is experienced in CSA. 

It is a great thing that you told your husband about your past, and that you tried to be open about something bothering you. You need to be able to do that, and with therapy you can learn the best ways to approach those issues. 

When these past memories are brought up and fresh it's totally normal to react like you did. In my experience it can last days, weeks, or even a month or two. It doesn't mean you will always feel that way and you both need to understand that, especially your husband. 

You need to keep going to therapy to understand why you feel the way you do about your daughter, and that your husband is not whoever abused you. To be honest, you may always have those thoughts in the back of your head but you can learn to understand them and quiet them. 

When your daughter is in bed tonight, can you go try to calmly talk to him? Even if he's not up for talking he may listen, take some time to process, and come back to the conversation later. I'd suggest looking up "I feel" statements before the conversation as it may help avoid him feeling attacked. 

If this is how he always responds to fights, marriage counseling may be a good option to learn better ways to communicate and how to fight fair.


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## Leilagrapes (Feb 5, 2021)

We are already in marriage counseling. It just seemed to put us in a worst place bringing up past issues. I honestly don’t feel like talking to him. After someone trust u and tells u your deepest thoughts and experience. You choose to ignore them? 
I am currently in my room haven’t talked to him. He hasn’t tried either. 
I feel exhausted and I just can’t keep fixing our problems.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Leilagrapes said:


> A couple months ago I starded going to a therapist. She made me remember this I didn’t ever want to talk about. I keep them to myself never brought them up.
> until yesterday when my 3 year old kept on sitting on my husband lap this happens a lot. She is little and I understand. So I mention it to my husband how it made me feel uncomfortable
> He shut down and aggressively told me I always wanted to start drama
> I then told him what I found happen to me that is why I felt uncomfortable
> ...


OK, well that sucks. You only have two post so I can't be very specific to your problem so I will just speak to what I know. Now he may feel like you were taking a perfectly normal thing and associating it with something in your life that was nefarious. Remember your husband isn't the person who did that to you when you were little. And it's perfectly fine and healthy for a daughter to sit on her fathers lap. Affection is a good thing. You may not have even been accusing him of anything just telling him why you feel the way you do, but he may have taken it like you were accusing him.

Now he handled it very poorly and I understand why you are upset. He probably doesn't have the emotional skills to deal with it, and it is hard to do something totally normal and loving and be accused of something so very evil. But a mature more emotionally equipped person would understand that your thinking was shaped by your experiences. They would talk to you about what you are afraid of an how this is not the same thing. He is not there yet. I am sure this doesn't make it hurt you any less.

I agree with Bobart, you guys need a professional to help you through this. Both of you are going to need to be empathetic towards one another but also have short memories. This is a terrible thing and also a hard thing to work through.

You are going in the right direction now though. Keep at it. 

Sorry this happened to you.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

So, I couldn't tell from your original post, but was your husband informed of this prior to your marriage, or did you just drop this on him now?
If he's just finding this out, his whole world changed in less than 10 seconds.
I think you will both need help to get thru this.
Please don't put this on your husband like he's done something wrong.
I wish you both the best going forward.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It doesn’t matter how or when you told him, I’m so sorry for what happened to you when you were small and stories like these (and people’s responses) make me really understand why people don’t speak up. How horrible to have been hurt in that way when you were so little and to have nobody to turn to, even now. I am sure a hug and a good cry would help you and I hope you have at least someone who will listen, sooth and comfort you and make you feel safe.

maybe your misunderstood you, were you trying to say you remember yourself at that age and it brought up feelings? He may have taken it that he was being accused. Either way, first thing he could have done was comfort you first. I know what you mean by opening up about the worst thing that happened to you and describing how seeing her on his lap brought up memories. He did make it about his feelings, I am sorry for you. 

sometimes victims of sexual abuse can be triggered when their children reach the same ages as they were when the abuse happened. It doesn’t mean you think your husband is that person (you did clarify this above) it’s just the age and the scene that brings up the trauma for you.

again, I am sorry for what you went through, it is one of the worst things that can happen to a child and I hope the coming years bring you peace.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for you re the abuse There are people in my family who were abused as children so I get it, but your husband was more or less accused of having his little daughter on his lap for sexual reasons and that has to HURT a LOT. Also he is probably upset that you never told him about the abuse. If you let your fear due to the past reign, you may end up totally ruining his loving relationship with the little daughter you have, little children need love and cuddles and affection and to taint this innocence would be very damaging for him and her and your marriage.

Did you say that you didnt know you had been abused till the counselling?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Leilagrapes said:


> We are already in marriage counseling. It just seemed to put us in a worst place bringing up past issues. I honestly don’t feel like talking to him. After someone trust u and tells u your deepest thoughts and experience. You choose to ignore them?
> I am currently in my room haven’t talked to him. He hasn’t tried either.
> I feel exhausted and I just can’t keep fixing our problems.


I understand that his reaction was _extremely_ hurtful, and how hard it was for you to tell him that information. He absolutely reacted the wrong way. I was just saying his reaction may be understandable given the situation. It really is hard to say without knowing you, him, and more about your marriage. 

I have never experienced that type of childhood trauma (and I'm extremely sorry you did). I'm married to someone who has so that's where my experience comes from. I've known her for 20 years but that information didn't come out until two years ago and it's not an easy thing, for either spouse. I'm not downplaying how hard it is for you, at all. Just do try to understand it's hard for your husband as well. 

Any problem in marriage, not just this one, will not be resolved by the two of you giving each other the silent treatment. Talking really is the only way through this. The longer you wait, the worse it gets because it has more time to fester.

If you are feeling up to it, and not too upset, maybe share the other marriage problems going on? It would help give a better picture.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Leilagrapes said:


> A couple months ago I starded going to a therapist. She made me remember this I didn’t ever want to talk about. I keep them to myself never brought them up.
> until yesterday when my 3 year old kept on sitting on my husband lap this happens a lot. She is little and I understand. So I mention it to my husband how it made me feel uncomfortable
> He shut down and aggressively told me I always wanted to start drama
> I then told him what I found happen to me that is why I felt uncomfortable
> ...


This is a situation whee you both need to take a step back and look at the situation rationally and not emotionally. You're both right which is an impossible situation to argue about. He feels accused of just about the worst thing a father can be accused of when he was doing one of the most normal things a father can do. You feel tossed aside after telling him about something that happened to you that is just about the worst thing that can happen to a person. So for both of you an angry emotional response is completely understandable, but you both need to look past that and see the others point of view. I think you both need to give each other a pass on this one and use it as an opportunity to work pn improving your communication skills and your hubby needs to look into learning how to best help a survivor of CSA.


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## Leilagrapes (Feb 5, 2021)

Like I said we were seeing couple therapists and I did mention my concerns about how uncomfortable I felt when my daughter was in his lap. This isn’t a secret I have been telling him for about a year that it makes me uncomfortable. And nothing changed. He didn’t stop her from sitting on his lap. Nothing. he usually just tells her to get off and that is the end of it. But not this time he aggressively responded with “your going to start again” so I though that maybe I should share why I had a fear. Which made it worst. he hasn’t spoken to me. He is the only person I fall to for security and comfort and he is not there for me.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Even with therapy you don't seem to be able to grasp that what you are doing is basically accusing your husband of being able to molest his daughter. How do you think that that realization makes him feel. He must be rationalizing that any perceive "wrong" by you might land him with charges of sexually abusing his daughter. Don't you see that?
You are the one that is endangering the marriage. eventually he might get so leary of you, that he might leave you. Think of the whole picture, not just of yourself.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Leilagrapes said:


> Like I said we were seeing couple therapists and I did mention my concerns about how uncomfortable I felt when my daughter was in his lap. This isn’t a secret I have been telling him for about a year that it makes me uncomfortable. And nothing changed. He didn’t stop her from sitting on his lap. Nothing. he usually just tells her to get off and that is the end of it. But not this time he aggressively responded with “your going to start again” so I though that maybe I should share why I had a fear. Which made it worst. he hasn’t spoken to me. He is the only person I fall to for security and comfort and he is not there for me.


What have you done in the last year to work on the issue? You are uncomfortable with your daughter having a normal relationship with her father, and you want him to stop... to make things easier for you. What about your daughter who suddenly can't sit on her dad's lap, can't have a normal relationship with him, and is basically being taught that he could hurt her? Your words may not be saying it, but your actions are. What about your husband who is being told you're worried he'd molest or rape his own daughter? Wouldn't it be better, not easier, for you to work on the issue and get past it?

This has been an issue for a year and you just now told him it was because you were sexually abused as a child, that is going to take some time to process. He may not even believe you right now (not saying that's right), he may feel lied to, or he may not know how to be there for you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Leilagrapes said:


> He is the only person I fall to for security and comfort and he is not there for me.


Talk to your therapist about why you fear the only person who you feel secure with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Leilagrapes said:


> A couple months ago I starded going to a therapist. She made me remember this I didn’t ever want to talk about. I keep them to myself never brought them up.
> until yesterday when my 3 year old kept on sitting on my husband lap this happens a lot. She is little and I understand. So I mention it to my husband how it made me feel uncomfortable
> He shut down and aggressively told me I always wanted to start drama
> I then told him what I found happen to me that is why I felt uncomfortable
> ...


You do understand that the problem is you and not your husband and daughter?

I'm not making light of the damage that comes from CSA but you must get help to behave in a healthy manner with your family.

I would be close to enraged if my wife didn't like my child being held by me.

It is normal, healthy and needed. If you know where your discomfort is stemming from, why do you interfere at all with your husband and daughter?

It is ok to talk about your past and struggles but not to make remarks about normal parent child interaction unless I am misreading your post?


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## Leilagrapes (Feb 5, 2021)

I do see my own therapist. And she is the one that helped me remember what happened because I knew I felt uncomfortable I just didn’t know why. And yes I just told him. I wasn’t going to tell him. This is something private about me. I didn’t have to tell my husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Leilagrapes said:


> Like I said we were seeing couple therapists and I did mention my concerns about how uncomfortable I felt when my daughter was in his lap. This isn’t a secret I have been telling him for about a year that it makes me uncomfortable. And nothing changed. He didn’t stop her from sitting on his lap. Nothing. he usually just tells her to get off and that is the end of it. But not this time he aggressively responded with “your going to start again” so I though that maybe I should share why I had a fear. Which made it worst. he hasn’t spoken to me. He is the only person I fall to for security and comfort and he is not there for me.


You do realize you are damaging your daughter, not your husband?

He is doing something healthy, affirming and needed.

You are hurting your daughter by interfering with normal intimacy with her dad which will easily damage her future relationships.

You need to get far more serious help if the professionals you are seeing haven't pointed this out to you.

I would divorce you before allowing you to damage my children.

Your husband is rightfully angry with your deranged view.

Step back and look at what you are doing.

You are destroying the health of your child and marriage and want to continue doing it so you feel more comfortable.

What exactly are you being comfortable with?

You must realize that what you adapted to as a child to survive wasn't healthy or normal?

Why are you trying to impose what you became comfortable with as a child onto your child in any way?

Again, you are the one hurting your daughter, your husband is not hurting her and trying to love her which all children need.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm so sorry for what happened to you as a child. Nobody deserves that. It's good that you're seeking help through therapy.

The thing is, when you let it effect your kids and their relationship with their father, you are actively damaging their relationship by insisting on boundaries that aren't necessarily normal. The issue with seeing her on your husband's lap is that you were molested but that's not their issue and as long as you see no red flags in his behavior towards her, why can't they continue to show affection towards one another in a healthy way?


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## Leilagrapes (Feb 5, 2021)

I do not see no red flags and my daughter loves her dad. 
I feel horrible for thinking that way since he has never given me a reason to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Leilagrapes said:


> I do not see no red flags and my daughter loves her dad.
> I feel horrible for thinking that way since he has never given me a reason to.


Yet for the last year since she was just a toddler he has been pushing her off his lap because of you, and that is just wrong. She NEEDS that from her dad, you have to learn to keep these feelings to yourself. She will start to think her dad doesnt want to cuddle her, if she hasnt already, and thats so sad and will damage her. 
It concerns me that your counseller made you remember, is she one of those repressed memory people?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Leilagrapes said:


> I do not see no red flags and my daughter loves her dad.
> I feel horrible for thinking that way since he has never given me a reason to.


Then, for the sake of your daughter, husband, and the whole family, do not externalize to your husband those fears every time you see him with his daughter on his lap. If you continue, things with him will not go too well in the long run. 
He eventually might have to leave you. Guess what will happen when after awhile you get involved with another man? How would it go when he tries any form of affection after the child, and you know he's not the father?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think it's pretty crappy that a guy can't even have a normal relationship with his daughter without being suspected of possibly being an abuser.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like this counseling has been more detrimental than helpful. I’m very sorry what happened to you, but I agree with others that what you are doing to your husband and daughter is so terrible that I’d leave you over it. He can’t even feel comfortable holding his daughter in his own home without fear of being treated as a child molester. I can’t imagine living that way. I wouldn’t live that way. 
Apparently you were ok and your husband and daughter were ok——— before going to this counselor. I was thinking this therapy stuff was supposed to make your life better, not ruin it. I’d drop this counselor and go get help for your new problem, which is thinking your husband is now one step from molesting his own daughter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds like this counseling has been more detrimental than helpful. I’m very sorry what happened to you, but I agree with others that what you are doing to your husband and daughter is so terrible that I’d leave you over it. He can’t even feel comfortable holding his daughter in his own home without fear of being treated as a child molester. I can’t imagine living that way. I wouldn’t live that way.
> Apparently you were ok and your husband and daughter were ok——— before going to this counselor. I was thinking this therapy stuff was supposed to make your life better, not ruin it. I’d drop this counselor and go get help for your new problem, which is thinking your husband is now one step from molesting his own daughter.


There were a lot of problems years ago when this 'repressed memory' counseling was happening. These counsellors would suggest that these people had been abused and many totally innocent parents and others were accused of being abusers. Thats why I asked the OP more about it which as yet she hasnt answered. She said the counsellor 'made' her remember which sounds weird to me. 
Those I know who were abused can remember it clearly, I am sure there are some who cant, especially for those where the abuse was of the severeist type and and long lasting, but there are still those who are very open to suggestions by a counsellor sometimes and that's where the dangers can lie.
Either way the OP must stop even mentioning her fears to her husband and the child because its already causing deep issues and hurts. If she cant bear it then she need to leave the room, but her daugher will sense something as she gets older that isnt right. She already hears her mum telling her dad not to cuddle her on his lap and that is very troubling.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm sorry with what you're going through. I have a three year old daughter and I'd be very hurt if my wife told me something like this. Where does it end? She gets to sit on your lap but not his? What about sons- are they allowed to sit on their dad's lap? I woke up my 3 year old daughter yesterday with a big hug while she was laying in bed yesterday and I was over her making kissing noises and telling her how wonderful she smelled and how happy I was she was awake. Would that not be allowed? I mean, do you want to just turn the guy into the bill-payer with none of the holding, snuggling, and loving of fatherhood?

If it helps also, I've had year of my kids on my lap when I'm talking to them, feeding them, etc. It's not a sexual thing nor do they make contact with my privates which are below my thighs. Believe me I know because I have a strong sense of recoil when an accidental foot/hand goes down there.

In addition, my daughter rides around on my back like I'm her horsey- not allowed?

Frankly, I think this whole pornographic and sex obsessed world is just a huge win by the devil. He's got people thinking the innocent is sexual and vice versa. I say all this under the assumption that your husband isn't a freak himself. If you've caught him in some weird porn habit or done other things that has made you suspicious.. well if this is the case then I say maybe you _should _trust your intuition.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am super overprotective of my daughter and don’t trust anyone with her other than my dad and best friend and a very few other men that I’ve known for years, as far as leaving her with another guy alone. So I believe I am overly paranoid.  But in reality, the number of dads that would do something like that to their own daughter..... I’d think would be pretty rare. 
This fear of OP that her husband is having bad thoughts just having his daughter in his lap is beyond unreasonable. It’s got to be unimaginably hurtful to her husband. He must be a decent guy or he’d be going ballistic. He’s showing a lot of patience with you, OP. For goodness sake, realize your thinking is hugely toxic and keep them to yourself.


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