# I thought it was Him the whole time, but now im starting to think its me



## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

Hello...I would just really like someone to talk to, I am currently married and consider myself happy. I unintentionally believe that I actually fell in love with someone else, just one of theose undeniable instant connections...we started texting quite a bit and my husband caught on, so that was terminated. Ever since then i can barely sleep because he is on my mind, how can someone that I have no contact with be such a main focus of my everyday, I really want things to work with my husband and as far as that goes we are fine...but when im left alone with my thought, my husband isnt the first thing on my mind, which really upsets me....


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

TV249 said:


> Hello...I would just really like someone to talk to, I am currently married and consider myself happy. I unintentionally believe that I actually fell in love with someone else, just one of theose undeniable instant connections...we started texting quite a bit and my husband caught on, so that was terminated. Ever since then i can barely sleep because he is on my mind, how can someone that I have no contact with be such a main focus of my everyday, I really want things to work with my husband and as far as that goes we are fine...but when im left alone with my thought, my husband isnt the first thing on my mind, which really upsets me....


It's a slippery slope and the longer it goes on, the harder it is. My wife had a full blown affair with my best friend 11 years ago. I'm sure it started out innocent as well? We got poor advice from a therapist and blamed everyone but her (including me). At first it was the only way to get through it...in time I've started to resent her and sex was never back to good for me. I'm saying this because...fast forward to 3 years ago.

I started a new job and immediately became good friends with my boss's assistant. We enjoyed talking and joking around and just seemed to hit it off. After at least a year, she ended up confiding in me about her husbands ongoing affairs and I eventually confided in her about my wife's rug swept affair. She eventually divorced and moved 2000 miles away to start fresh. We have stayed friends just supporting each other on our journeys. This was a difficult procedure for me as I've only had a few female friends in my lifetime, and I did start to develop some feelings. Those innocent little text became more regular and my wife hated it! I justified it as I had not, nor ever will touch another woman while being married, and she betrayed me and never suffered any consequences from me. Besides, the text were not sexual, and were mostly me dumping about something job related or my mood? I would occasionally make a flirtatious comment and she would make it clear we were "buddy's" or "friends". I thought, How dare she accuse me of an EA after what she did to me? I actually did stop texting for a while because it bothered her, honestly it was one sided. We rarely talk but there is an occasional phone call. I guess what helped me is it's been over 3 years, and she has never tried to approach me, she moved away, and I realize we are just good friends and nothing more and having someone to talk to who did not judge me, did not try to tell me what to do, and just listened......helped me? 

Although I still enjoy the text and occasional conversation... I do not think or even hope it's her everytime I get a text. If you are getting excitement and this other person is your first thought in the morning or the last at night...I recommend to cut it off immediately. It is no different than a drug as far as the chemistry your body goes through and the longer it goes on the harder it will be. I will be talking with my wife about my issues soon and coming clean about my strugglers these past 11 years, and I'm sure at some point we will need to separate or even divorce? I've never really gotten over my wifes affair and the fact that I allowed myself to develop any feelings for someone else makes me realize everythings not ok. 
We both deserve better. 

If you have a good husband and you see a future together, don't do this to your marriage...if it becomes your everyday highlight, it can, and probably will lead to more and the outcome of a full blown affair is devastating...this I know...Good luck!


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

Look up on this post about "the fog"...that's where you are at right now, and you need to realize this!


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

Strugglingforever-I cant find any posts on "the fog", but I would love to read it...anyway you can send a link?


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

Strugglingforever - Also...it seems that you have some real insight on my situation and would really enjoy some back and forth on this, im new to this site, is it best to do just keep hitting reply to my original statement to be able to talk w/ you?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> I unintentionally believe that I actually fell in love with someone else, just one of theose undeniable instant connections


Learn your own boundaries. I know that I can't really make new friends with men because of this.


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

Hmmm...interesting. No male friends? It makes sense...and your right, the boundaries I need to be most concerned with are my own.


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

Well...Struggling4ever...I have not had ANY contact what-so-ever with him for almost 3 months now, but he is a neighbor and every now and then we will catch each other leaving our houses, no waving, we dont even act like we know each other. Im assuming he is heart broken/pissed/who knows....i guess i shouldnt worry....but honestly i feel as though I am the heart broken one. Its so confusing. anyways My Hubby and I bought another home, same town but not near our current one...we will be moving in 2 weeks, i am praying the out of sight out of mind trick will work, I need to get settled both mentally and emotionally, i just hope this can be Our new beginning together...meanwhile I must appear to be completely holding it together since Ive told my hubby "it meant nothing"...and I believed that in the beginning...but nothing doesnt keep me wondering for months.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

This link will take you to a page that explains all of the abbreviations as well as "the fog" and other things related to this forum....Good luck!
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

TV249,
Since you are my 1 and only friend request since coming here, I'm guessing you know that just like on any other social media you could message me...I have gotten 1 message and I responded. That being said, you posted 

"I really want things to work with my husband and as far as that goes we are fine" 

I'm telling you, if 3 months later you are still thinking about this man, your marriage is not fine! Also, you have already said 

"we started texting quite a bit and my husband caught on, so that was terminated"

You need to be careful because you are amongst others who have had similar issues...Some want help, some may be looking for someone who is vulnerable...one never knows? It will do you no good to take things "private" and have private conversations on here! This is just my opinion. Everything is essentially private anyway as no one knows who you really are. I would advise you to keep conversations in the open and transparent, or you risk just substituting what you were doing with someone on here? I don't know if that make sense but boundaries are important. I feel I crossed one, but I also have so much anger over how I handled things 11 years ago that I justified it. Again fortunately this "friend" was a good enough friend to never recipricate or pursue me and she really was just a good friend. It took me awhile to learn that.

In my case, this friend has been there for me as a friend (nothing sexual) and I don't feel right no contact. My wife doesn't want to allow it and although I somewhat understand, I gave her complete trust after ultimate betrayal, and she does not trust me? This is not the first time and due to the circumstances, I finally decided to draw the line....She never really has trusted me. She says she does, just not other women? If you trust someone, you trust them...it really is that simple. 

If you can't get past this "fog", you need to come clean with your husband, hope he understands, and do everything you can do to earn his trust and respect again. Without trust, respect, and admiration you do not have a marriage...not a good one anyway! My humble opinion??? If you have a question, I'll always answer, but I have to be honest...I'm not here looking for friends, I'm here to get healthy! I'm sorry....Best of luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

TV249 said:


> Hmmm...interesting. No male friends? It makes sense...and your right, the boundaries I need to be most concerned with are my own.


I didn't say no male friends.

I said no NEW male friends. What is the point? Any male company that I need comes from my husband.

I have some dear friends who are male that I've had since forever. There's nothing weird there and our boundaries are firmly established.

IMO, when people make NEW friends of the opposite sex-- when married, there's a problem.


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

so sorry struggling4ever I never meant to put you in an uncomfortable positions, and like you, I am not looking for friends either, just hoping to talk to someone that has had a similar situation. Thank you for taking the time to give me your opinion.
You do not have to worry about another friend request.


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

I understand. He was actually a family friend, so I did not seek this strange man and start texting....but with that being said I understand now where the boundary line was broken, and that is most likely why I am in this situation. I do believe that I have learned enough to stand my ground in the future and not let it get this far...its just hard to get over something that has already happened.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

TV249 said:


> I understand. He was actually a family friend, so I did not seek this strange man and start texting....but with that being said I understand now where the boundary line was broken, and that is most likely why I am in this situation. I do believe that I have learned enough to stand my ground in the future and not let it get this far...its just hard to get over something that has already happened.


Just wanting you to be careful...I do care about others...part of why I'm in the mess of staying 11 years even though something inside me died long ago! I don't like hurting others, and I end up getting hurt. If this is a family friend, will you have to see him? This really isn't fair for your husband to think it was "nothing", if you can't let it go! Put yourself in his shoes. You also need to figure out how this happened if you are truly happy at home? Maybe your maariage is missing something or not satisfying all your needs? Be honest with yourself! Someone told me that over 2 years ago and it started me thinking...it's quite a concept! Be honest with yourself because only you know what you really want, what's right and wrong for you, and if you're happy...share this with your husband and not a stranger.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

Meaning...you need to open up communication with him about what's going on and let him be part of the process, unless it really is nothing. It is also good to share with "strangers" on here to get others opinions as well as support...Didn't mean that to sound harsh! (-;


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## TV249 (Jan 18, 2012)

I do believe a "connection" can be for a million different reasons and love is only one of them. Understanding the reasoning behind the texting has made this an easier process for me, I felt emotionally alone and he was there for me at that time when I felt as if no one else was and he felt as if he had nothing to live for and I felt that it was one of my resposibilites as a friend to prove him wrong and thats how it ended up, SOOooo Now im just left with the fog and fighting like hell to get through it, I just wonder how long this "fog" lasts. To make it visual its definitlely clearer in the sky than it used to be, so I am hopeful.
And my hubby and I have been together 10 years, im ecstatic and happy and in love, but 10 years is a long time and to keep things going it takes work...I got side tracked....although it was wrong I do believe theres a lot to be learned from it ... things are different, everything takes time.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

TV249 said:


> I do believe a "connection" can be for a million different reasons and love is only one of them. Understanding the reasoning behind the texting has made this an easier process for me, I felt emotionally alone and he was there for me at that time when I felt as if no one else was and he felt as if he had nothing to live for and I felt that it was one of my resposibilites as a friend to prove him wrong and thats how it ended up, SOOooo Now im just left with the fog and fighting like hell to get through it, I just wonder how long this "fog" lasts. To make it visual its definitlely clearer in the sky than it used to be, so I am hopeful.
> And my hubby and I have been together 10 years, im ecstatic and happy and in love, but 10 years is a long time and to keep things going it takes work...I got side tracked....although it was wrong I do believe theres a lot to be learned from it ... things are different, everything takes time.


It's sounds like you are an intelligent woman and you are learning...that's a good thing! I had to go through a lot of processes myself. From this post I can also tell that you care about others and that can cause problems. I am the same way, I see someone hurting or broken, and I want to fix them...or at least be there. That's where we can become emotionally attached because we feel like they need us, and it's great to be needed and a "feel good"...Stay on the right path and if the fog doesn't lift, you will end up having to come clean and ask for help if you want to save your marriage....and 10 years is a long time...I'm 52 and have 30! But my wife counts 30, I always tell her I started over after D-day....she really doesn't get it!


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