# How miserable are you really?



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How miserable are you really? 

I see people talk about how tired and miserable they are of this or that, that their spouse is doing or not doing. They claim they will leave or want to to leave, but yet they do nothing to make that possible. 

I understand venting at times. I do not understand the whole going around in circles thing over and over with a spouse, when its apparent things are probably not going to change. I think threatening to leave and then not, is sending the message out to the other spouse about how you're really not that miserable, and really not planning on leaving, but yet will just threaten too leave. If thats the case, then of course your spouse will not make an effort to change, they don't take you seriously, and feel they have nothing to lose, to them you will always be there, just complaining. 

So then you have to ask yourself exactly how miserable are you really?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

CallaLily said:


> If thats the case, then of course your spouse will not make an effort to change, they don't take you seriously, and feel they have nothing to lose, to them you will always be there, just complaining.
> 
> So then you have to ask yourself exactly how miserable are you really?


I used to think this way, too. I used to think i was miserable because he wouldnt change and I thought i had to threaten him to get him to change. But then i realized he would change momentarily just to keep me and everyone was still miserable. The cycle this created was vicious. I dont think this approach makes for a good marriage, life, or anything. 

For starters I think you have to stop blaming your spouse for your misery. And secondly, if your spouse doesnt change because they love and respect you, if they change out of a momentary fear, then that creates a horrible cycle that eventually leads to dire rage in the threatening spouse and apathy in the threatened spouse. The change has to come from love and respect and if you choose to leave then that choice should also be made out of love and respect, not because your so angry and miserable that you're fleeing in bitter anger.


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## abbylee (Apr 20, 2011)

I have been married almost 20 years, when I worked it was fine, once we had kids and I stopped working it changed. I am now home with my children, who are now school age, so I am expected to "keep the house" but be there for him and the kids. But not work. If the house is not right then there are complaints, and I don't mean simple complaints, I mean he goes through and details what is not done right item by item. The kids schedules come first after his, mine is not even a thought. I love him and I respect the fact that I married him in the eyes of God and that we have children that we are raising but I am getting so so so exhausted with the attitude that he has developed in the last few months due to work issues, he works almost constantly, it is just becoming unbearable. He is hard on the kids, changes what I say to what he wants i front of them, so basicly makes my authority moot. I am miserable, really freaking miserable. I just am having such trouble wrapping my head around the thought of leaving him, we are financially secure, my daughters have a home, a father, and I do not want to damage them, I just keep thinking that if I can just suck it up I can raise them and then later in life move on. Or that maybe God will bless me and he will change my husbands ways. I am afraid, I am sad, I am miserable, but far to scared to do anything about it. I am at the point where I do not like my husband most of the time and look forward to the time when he is not in the house, how awful is that? What kind of life and marriage is that? I want my girls to see a happy love where they want that happiness in their lives, not what I have right now. So how miserable am I... pretty miserably scared.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

What is true for me, and many, many others, seems to be this: 

Where difficult issues are concerned, I only change my situation when the pain involved in staying in the situation becomes greater than the fear I had of the changes that I needed to make.

I used to change only when the pain of my life becomes more unbearable than the perceived pain of the changes I need to make.

I know better today. I will not allow myself to suffer from the actions or inactions of another. Today, I chose a healthy life where I am responsible for who I am and what I allow others to do to me. I will not be abused by someone who is supposed to love me. I love myself and therefore will not allow another to mistreat me. I treat myself like I am my only child.

How miserable am I today? I am happy today! I haven't been miserable in a very long time.


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## CatMan (Apr 19, 2011)

I am leaving, not proud of it. 
I plan to pick up my girl from childcare daily and take her to my ex place. This way I can see my girl daily. The child will stay with me 2 or 3 days a week. Is it reasonable? How can I make divorce less painful for the kid?


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

This is an excellent thread! Thank you.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 6. That's in the relationship only. I'm much happier with other aspects of my life. 

The reason I'm not gone is because my willingness to leave brought out a change in him. Now I'm trying to allow myself to become emotionally invested in a marriage that I was ready to walk away from. It's difficult. I wish he could have made these changes when I still wanted the relationship.

Wanting to want the relationship is a lot harder than wanting the relationship to work. Pretend that makes sense, k? Ha!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

How miserable am I? Miserable too strong of a word for me - disappointed, unhappy at times, discouraged - better choices for me.

Depends on what day you ask and what "issues" have cropped up at that time.

Can I say I'm discouraged or unhappy all the time - no.

Am I crazy happy and tap dancing all the time - no either.

Life in general is just crazy for me and because I seem to have the worst luck on the face of the planet, I used to spend too much time waiting for the other shoe to drop - not anymore.

This change in outlook and attitude, for me, has greatly improved things.

My job is great.

My overall health is great.

My son is doing great.

My daughter is still in jail, but doing good.

My husband's health for his situation is good right now.

My house is still standing.

All of the pets are still breathing.

My finances are great.

My sex life sucks.

I love my husband.

He loves me.

I guess overall - my life really isn't that bad - just needs some "tweaking."

I wouldn't classify myself as miserable - just not totally satisfied yet - how 'bout that?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Today is a good day. Not sure what it's a good day FOR, but it's a good day.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Wow. You'd think this message would be common sense to me but it's really making me reflect on my lack of action. I haven't posted my story because quite frankly, I'm very embarrassed. But this is really hitting home. I have to do something....


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> How miserable are you really?
> 
> I see people talk about how tired and miserable they are of this or that, that their spouse is doing or not doing. They claim they will leave or want to to leave, but yet they do nothing to make that possible.
> 
> ...


As far as people not leaving, its probably for various reasons. I do believe people feel its more along the lines of fiances, or kids, however I think it boils down to more about self esteem or lack thereof. IMO, most people with higher self esteem wouldn't continue to live in a bad situation and they sure wouldn't keep threatening to leave and then not. People who are truly tired and miserable usually don't just talk about leaving, they usually have enough self respect and esteem to actually do so.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> How miserable am I? Miserable too strong of a word for me - disappointed, unhappy at times, discouraged - better choices for me.
> 
> Depends on what day you ask and what "issues" have cropped up at that time.
> 
> ...


I know what you need! You need to get laid!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Miserable, tired, upset, frustrated, disappointed, whatever you would like to call it, to me there is a difference between hitting bumps in the road on occassion in a relationship, and continually having the same issues with your spouse for years and years. IMO, if you are having the same old issues for years and years with no real change in things, then chances are you are probably with the wrong person.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Jamison said:


> Miserable, tired, upset, frustrated, disappointed, whatever you would like to call it, to me there is a difference between hitting bumps in the road on occassion in a relationship, and continually having the same issues with your spouse for years and years. IMO, if you are having the same old issues for years and years with no real change in things, then chances are you are probably with the wrong person.


Are they cared of change? 

Are they used to misery? 

Or it is not that bad? 

I can only say for myself. If I am really unhappy in a marriage, I know making a big decision is difficult, but I just have to. Because a change won't be much worse. If I really feel bad about my life, I start to look for ways to improve myself, feeling sorry for myself doesn't help my situation!

I made a lot of bold decisions in my life, and in the end, they all turned to be wonderful for me!


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I'm not miserable but I see my future as heading that way if I don't take some action.

Venting is part of the process for everyone but there does come a point where something needs to happen. Existing in "miserable"...well, I suspect people that are victims forever must be getting something out of that dynamic. A lack of decision is still a decision.

I try with my partner to a point, but I do not "nag" as I have a firm belief people do what they damn want  and feigning misunderstanding, forgetting promises, all of those tactics are just "red herrings".

If something is truly important to someone they will take action. Whether that means getting out of a situation or trying to make a spouse happy.

Leah


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I have days where I feel miserable about it all I suppose. However there are way more better days than not, so for us thats a plus. It used to be the other way around. So things have changed. Which is good.

I also agree with, if you're still where you were in your relationship years ago and its just that continuous circle, then chances are nothing has changed and not sure how one couldn't feel somewhat miserable. 

I do think there are some people who love to play the victim role. They may not be as miserable as they claim, but sure enjoy letting others know how sucky their life is with their spouse. When they receive tons of people saying how bad they feel for them, to me that just helps to enable them to stay where they are. They enjoy the attention of being in a not so good situation, and the responses they get from people taking pity on them. 

I imagine some people who are in the same situations they have been in allow that it be so. I would also think most people who are really as miserable as they might claim to be would get out. And yes, I do believe there are people who get something out of staying in unhealthy situations.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I know what you need! You need to get laid!


No $hit!

I keep trying - any takers (I'm kidding and serious at the same time).


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

AgentD,

That is a fantastic observation! I think I may be a little guilty of it in fact. In the last couple of days both in my professional life and my relationship I am realizing that sometimes I do play the victim. And I am HATING that realization because I typically hate people that play the victim.


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