# Am I just to nice???



## loveonly (Mar 10, 2011)

My husband of almost 19 years and father of 10 and 12 year old boys has left 2 days before Christmas of 2010, after I confronted him about our need to talk about US and me not willing to serve the children another Christmas charade. Took a bag and told all of us he will "think things over". 
I should have listened to my gut instinct a long time ago though, because after a week when we met outside for lunch I directly confronted him about my suspicions of him having already someone else and also who I thought it was (from work, even a former colleague of mine). The night he left, he moved right in with her and her two children(from a previous marriage).
I have immediately taken the kids and myself into counseling of which he wanted nothing to do with. 
He has always been a workaholic and nothing but. I have tried to communicate with him over the years to no avail. I have asked for help with our financial affairs because I felt overwhelmed doing everything by myself. I have raised both the children by myself, dealing with school, all sports or after school, any summer plans, dried countless tears when he was squashing plans yet again. I can't anymore if I do not want to die inside!
There is absolutely nothing that I have not done in this relationship other then stop the sex about 6 month before the breakup because of the emotional state this was going. I am not a robot! 
There were never rudeness, loudness, anger or hostility but the emotional and time wise unavailability for his family is crippling us! The boys have not one special moment with dad to look back up on. It is always a school-friend's dad, or a neighbor or me....for the fishing..the canoeing...ANYTHING!!! 
Now it is March, in the meantime I have been diagnosed with breast cancer, had two operations behind me and my chemo will start middle of this month.
He is putting every penny in our joint bank account to "be nice". On top of things we are dealing with filing bankruptcy, which all that running around and getting papers and appointments I did, otherwise it would not happen.
We are not legaly separated yet. But given the state things are in.....I would really need something I can count on. I just want to put this past me. He only sees the boys when his "schedule" allows, because he is so busy. He calls at night to call before he gets busy and to say good night.

And now he is putting pressure on me to have the boys meet his new family. 
Am I being unreasonable by thinking, how much more could you possibly put on the emotions of our boys? I am leaving the house when he comes to visit. I respect their privacy on phone calls. Their father is 100% available from me by phone, I have the address where he stays. But I also have no desire to have contact with this other woman, who now pays his cell phone bill, because I finally figured out by looking at past bills online that this affair has been going on for a good 7 months before he even left.(but he is playing the "poor me, every one thinks I am taking the easy way out and I am the bad guy" part..sigh)
Not just that....but I put him on the email list of the schools newsletter....the boys sports club...ect.
When I mentioned that I would feel better changing the locks
a couple months back..the answer was" you better start looking for an apartment then"
My goal right now is just to get all this past me...get better and start real life. I am very positive, have wonderful people in my life. But this situation has come to somewhat of a resolution. Of course me not working due to the treatments and us going through the Bankruptcy does not help matters either.
I am not having my boys subjected to any of those meetings so he can please her demands and quiet his guilty conscience!
I just don't know anymore how to react? There is absolutely no
action on his part to somehow stay informed about his boys life through available sources other then using me as his secretary and I am just done with it. The only reason I am still doing this is, is to avoid any angry responses or him even stopping to support us. The last thing is for the boys to loose their home on top of this!
Basically...I am at my wits end....positive...BUT at a loss....


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Check out AmImad's story here.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/22290-seriously.html
You are going though very much the same situation.

I really have no advice I can give. I hope other people can.


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