# "I didn't do it for you & just do it!"



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So since the picture incident, I did nothing. No advances. (I know it wasn't that long, no extra hug, no extra kiss, no extra attention, phone calls, etc so I did add a little more of the 180, thought maybe I was being too needy??). But Yesterday.. I did something that I didn't even expect. Lately, I had noticed, when I said thank you to dh, he would say "I didn't do it for you, I did it for the family". He never said it mean, but just kind of matter of fact.... but it irritated me. Well I had the kids to myself yesterday and working on myself, I decided with the weather changing to clear off and rearrange the deck and purchased some bug candles and such and cleaned everything off... my daughter actually had the idea to eat dinner out there. So when he gets home and sees it he says, what made you do this. I said, just wanted to do something nice. He said, oh well thank you. I said, (honestly as snotty as I could before I could even think) "I didn't do it for you, I did it for myself, and the family." He just looked at me, and said, what is that about? I told him, well you have been doing that a lot so I figured I would start. Then it hit me, for one of the first times in a very long time, I spit fire before I thought about what I was saying!  (I guess that is resentment?)
Anyway, so then we have dinner... outside, it was nice. Afterwards he says, you look hot. I had also changed clothes, you know weather warmer and all.. and I hadn't noticed, but he did that my shorts from last year are quite a bit looser and asks me, "do you know just how much weight you have lost?" I said no. (Now mind you I've never gone above 160 and am only 5"5 but I know the last time I was at the doc I was at 152 and have lost some more, I was about 145 when we met)... He says well you look hot. I said Thank you, genuinely. So the rest of the evening was nice, he actually shared with me much about the people at his new job, and I listened actively and we chatted a bit... before I knew it, it was late and we went to bed. 
Today we had plans to take the kiddos to the beach. I'm getting ready to hop in the shower and his makes an oral request for "playtime".... and I remembered the post on here. Just do it. (Although part of me doesn't want to because of his rejection the other day and all I wanted was a damn compliment.....Afterall I've been wanting it more anyway!) So I say ok... and this time he took control, on top (for those of you who remember my post about that issue), etc. Afterwards, I said what changed. He said he had a dream, that was exactly like our encounter, and he wanted me to feel wanted and things have just been so stressful, and on edge. He said, now we are going to have a great day. He was so right, we had a wonderful time! I'm so glad for the just do it post yesterday because honestly I was still kinda upset with him... but at the same time, like I said in my other post, a 180 would not work, we are trying to work this out. But that picking certain parts, focusing on making yourself happy, that is really key. No one else can make you happy until you make yourself happy first, I honestly though can't thank you guys enough. We've been married 10 years and in that time have been through so much and it helps to get others' opinions and hear sometimes not always what we want to hear, but maybe what we need to hear to help clear our minds, and just to be able sometimes to vent the bad, and in this case, share some progress. I think through the last couple times we have had back tracks I have realized, he wants to feel like the man, taking charge. When we first got together I was very independent, confident, and didn't need a man, and frankly didn't want one... but fell in love with him anyway. Whenever, I get that attitude back, he wants me again. Sound crazy? It's almost a pattern now that I can see emerging. At the same time, we are talking through deeper issues, well we have talked through them, and just have to continue to work through them... My problem is when it seems things get stagnant. I am a fixer, I want to see the progress now. I have to remember that it may not always be on my time. Sorry this is so long. .


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