# I've completely screwed up



## missmaxxx (Dec 28, 2008)

Edited


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## LostInChicagoBurbs (Feb 22, 2009)

I don't think you are right to just blame yourself. He is no more right then you were wrong. To have that emotional affair he was wrong just as much as you were with the cc debt.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I know your pain. It is hard to just stop loving someone. I can sense from your post this is an extremely emotional time for you. I was a basket case after my husband of 20 plus years moved out 10 months ago. Here's my advice.....

First, he was wrong to have the emotional affair. Next, you were wrong to acquire so much debt the second time. Trust is going to be a big problem on both sides. And I do know a lot about the lack of trust; my "ex to be" hid many credit cards, had affairs, and even stole money from our business. You better believe I was emotional. However, my reactions only drove him farther away and didn't solve anything. At this point, you can do more by working on you and hopefully he will see that. It's hard, but refrain from the emotional stuff around him. Next, do something about the spending--perhaps counseling to find out why you did it. Could you perhaps take a part-time job to pay off the creditors? It would demonstrate to him that you are making an effort.

Hang in there!


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## missmaxxx (Dec 28, 2008)

Thank you both so much for your replies.

827Aug - I'm sorry things turned out like that for you and your ex to be. I totally understand how emotional you must have been. For me, emotional is an understatement. My cheeks are sore from the amount of crying I've done. I'm cracking up and can't seem to stop myself/get some control back in my life.

He admits he was wrong with the emotional affair and I've accepted that....kind of. I don't think I'll ever forget it, as with him and my spending issues. I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong I was - I KNOW this, which is why I feel I deserve everything I get. He's told me he doesn't trust me and resents me because he now can't really afford to go out with his friends, etc - that's something I also feel tremendous guilt for. Everything that's happened is my fault and I'll have to live with that - live with the knowledge that it all screwed up because of me and my money problem. I am trying to hide everytime I cry, but he knows - he says it makes him feel awful because he knows I'm hurting. 

He is too though - I've never seen him cry like he has done. We both agreed that we never thought our relationship would come to this. 

As for my spending, the credit cards went straight away. I have no desire to use them because of this mess. The cut up pieces I have still, are going to be put into a frame so that I can look at it everyday and realise what I've done. We've just been paid (we work at the same place) and I've budgeted for everything - I have lists for shopping, how much I will need for fuel, etc, and have put it all into seperate envelopes for the month and he told me he was proud that I did it. 

I've been searching online and have rang various places here to see if there is some kind of support group that I could go to, but there is nothing. I've looked into counselling, but it's ridiculously expensive, obviously I can't afford it now that I'm actually budgeting. 

I'm also looking into getting a part time job in the evenings, perhaps in a pub. I'm doing everything I can to prove not only to him, but myself that I CAN do this! 

I need to be strong and get a grip, but it's so damned hard.

xx


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Those are some great steps to rebuilding his faith in you! My estranged husband also suffers from the spending problem--so I know how the problem can destroy everything. It is an obsessive /compulsive disorder. I just hope that you can resist its pull on you. It would be great if you could find a support group. Perhaps, there are some books on the subject that would provide you with a greater understanding and additional help.

I really know how hard it is to control those emotions. Believe me, I cried for months. Other times I was so angry, I couldn't even think. Just try to exercise some control around your husband. This phrase helps me a lot, "Be IN this world, but not OF this world." When I feel emotions coming on, I just remind myself that I need to step back, focus, and "watch" (not participate). That way my energy gets used constructively rather than destructively. By you working on the problem and getting a second job, you are solving the problem. You husband should see that. That will go much farther than you telling him or promising him anything.


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