# what is going on?



## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

A few weeks ago my ex, whom i've been separated from for four months, was here hanging out and visiting with our son. After baby went to bed he suddenly tells me that he misses me and the night ends with us being intimate. Then he asks me out for a "date" and we come home and are again intimate. But in the last two weeks i've become confused. We do not get to spend a lot of time together as we live a part and each work and have separate responsibilities. We always kiss hello and good-bye but it seems like he is backing away from me or waiting for me to initiate things. We never discussed what "this" is and now i'm wondering what the hell he wants ... but i'm too scared to ask. We are terrible at communicating obviously! I'm scared though that he regrets it or was just playing some game with me ... because i cannot afford to hate this guy! We were getting along great before and now it could all go up in flames ... and the person that would hurt most is my son ...and i really really do not want that.
Any advice? How do i be brave enough for myself and for my son ...and even for the ex?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

colour-me-confused said:


> A few weeks ago my ex, whom i've been separated from for four months, was here hanging out and visiting with our son. After baby went to bed he suddenly tells me that he misses me and the night ends with us being intimate. Then he asks me out for a "date" and we come home and are again intimate. But in the last two weeks i've become confused. We do not get to spend a lot of time together as we live a part and each work and have separate responsibilities. We always kiss hello and good-bye but it seems like he is backing away from me or waiting for me to initiate things. We never discussed what "this" is and now i'm wondering what the hell he wants ... but i'm too scared to ask. We are terrible at communicating obviously! I'm scared though that he regrets it or was just playing some game with me ... because i cannot afford to hate this guy! We were getting along great before and now it could all go up in flames ... and the person that would hurt most is my son ...and i really really do not want that.
> Any advice? How do i be brave enough for myself and for my son ...and even for the ex?


I'd recommend staying away from physical intimacy during this time. While it’s nice and comforting it never solves any of the problems between you. Afterwards the problems are still there, unresolved.

I think it ok to be emotionally intimate, you need to talk through the problems and work towards resolutions. If your husband’s not ok with this then it’s the sex that’s driving him to be with you.

Bob


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

I see what you mean about leaving the physical stuff out of it for now ... I don't like it but you are right.
On an emotional level I'm not sure where we stand. And, as i said, I'm scared to bring it up. I think i could make myself do it ... if only i could know that i wouldn't hate him afterwards. I don't know that i have enough forgiveness inside of me to be okay with this if it is not what i had been led to believe this was (which was us making a fresh start by "dating").


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

colour-me-confused said:


> because i cannot afford to hate this guy!


Do you mean financially?

Bob


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

No, not at all. I just mean because of our son. It would be horrible to make him grow up with his parents hating each other. Even if we are not together i want him to see that we get along and are civil to one another. And I don't want to have to pretend because i do not believe i would be fooling him. Children are more perceptive than people like to think


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

colour,

I agree with the others. The physical stuff is probably what is confusing you. Sadly, the average guy is capable of having sex just for the sake of having sex. It doesn't necessarily mean any more than that. Cut that out and see if there's anything between you two beyond that.


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

Just a little update. The physical stuff really did get in the way here. My ex and i had a "we're both confused" conversation that went nowhere ... and suddenly i realized ... I don't want to be with him. For four months i thought i'd do almost anything to have him back, but now i realized that i am happy .... and i as not happy with him. I wasn't even Me when i was with him. And i like who i am ... and i deserve to be happy ... and so does he. Now i realize that that is just something we cannot give to each other ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sometimes we are better apart for ourselves and our children. Sex can really confuse things and if left alone we see things more clearly.

Bob


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