# Laughing Pic of EA/OW On X's Cell



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I made a mistake by looking at X's cell when it rang. There was the OW laughing in a photo that he must have taken (while we were still married) last month. We divorced last month after X returned from that trip. X cheated on me.

I had progressed with the pain but that made me take a step back. I felt sorry for this woman because she is now his new victim. You see, my X is a narcissist and after using me and discarding me, he looked for another vulnerable person and found them on FB. Now it is her turn. They prey on your strength and creativity and money.

One of the despicable things about all of this is the poor woman has been married for 45 years. X used all of the same lines to hook her and I could see from her photo she is in love. It will last one or two years and after he has sucked her dry....

My house finally sold and I will be moving on 8/10 so that helps alot. I was stuck in the same house until it was sold since I don't have any resources. It was not easy knowing of the affair and trying to work through the pain because it was a continuous reminder daily. I tried to be out of the house most hours.

I pray to God for protection because when I finally found out what X was I was scared. He had sucked me in numerous times in the last 4 months and now I can see his manipulation. I felt like I was going crazy, which was his intention. 

Narcissists are leeches and you don't even know they're sucking the life from you until you become aware through research. Even his sister told me this is how he operates.

Sorry for the long thread, but this was a re-opening of the scab on my soul and heart.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm glad your eyes are wide open. The pain will lessen over time. Obviously he has shown zero remorse and I'm glad you are taking the path that is best for you. Head up and lean into the wind!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're a much stronger woman than I am, as I would have been living in a tent. Think about how toxic the relationship between the two of you is/was, not about your attraction to him. The photo falls under the category of toxic relationship, rather than a direct hurt. Put up that shield. Yes he is a charmer. So if he is on somebody else's life path, then her life will be imperfect. It's okay, imperfection happens - a lot. People should be able to experience things and to come to their own conclusions. I went out on a date with someone who tried to convince me that because he was married twice once for 10 years and once for 20 and then dated someone (chair of board of the theater) that he was a good guy. In fact, within a day of date I had confirmed he is a toxic manipulator just like my stbxh. I think I dated him just for the experience of reliving the fatal attraction and being in control of it. I gained a lot of confidence in myself from what happened afterwards. Yesterday I happened to see the movie 'Buck'. If you get a chance you should see it. He is somebody who has to deal with a lot of difficult people, and trusts his intuition. I laughed several times during the movie because some of the words Buck used to describe difficult horses and to explain his philosophy were EXACTLY the same ones I used when I was addressing my one-time-date's behavioral patterns head-on. That movie is not just about horses, it is about people, very difficult people and how you can relate to them. A point in case, I had this guy opening doors for me even prior to the date and will continue to do so now. There is a way to deal with bullies but you have to be confident about exactly what is expected. If you allow your mind to become muddied by being liked or being afraid of being hurt then you won't have any control over the situation/relationship. Being hurt is okay. It doesn't give them power for you to be hurt. Learning to accept that you will be hurt and to allow your soft spot to be exposed, without wavering, will give you power in the relationship, that is authentic power. But you cannot waffle, you have to know that you will be hurt, and to be okay with that, knowing you have resources to pull on to recover. This gives you confidence of staying power, in terms of sticking absolutely to your plan to stay in control (of yourself!). That is important in dealing with narcissists (or small children). You have to SHOW them the path of least resistance, but it takes a lot of patience. It's not about having control over them, as control over anybody is by nature inauthentic. It's about having control of how you relate to them. Never lash out, never show anger, always show a level of affection that is consistent with human nature, be clear about what you expect from them. Even if you start sweating, they can smell it. So figure out a way to center yourself so that you don't.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you for your very much needed feedback.

I am hurt but I won't do anything about it to fall back to old habits. I pray and share. Yes it is very difficult at times but I am trying to get passed it. These lessons from life are not exactly the way I would prefer to learn but I don't think I would learn anything unless it was this painful.

I will be very wary in future. They have said (whoever they are) "Beware of strangers bringing gifts."

This stinks.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I am not an expert in this area but have done lot of reading scrambling to understand his type of personality and how to deal with it. I finally understood it is difficult to know when and how to best handle him..it still is, even when we are divorced (he wants to stay close). His moods change so much. I think it depended on his self-esteem & control. Most of the time, it worked better to avoid conflict but sometimes he backed down when I stood up to him with logic and without emotion. Dealing with him unemotionally is so difficult when there is lying involved. It was hard to be "above it".

Maybe I am wrong but I also think his new partner is his next "victim" who is dealing with his charming and manipulative ways. Maybe she sees it and knows how to better get along with him. I feel fortunate, life is less complicated now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear of the setback. The sooner you move out the better. 
Did you ever tell OW's husband about the affair? I would.


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

Life DOES get better. Our son went through a terrible divorce with his young wife. She rubbed her affair with a much older man right in his face. He came home from a road trip early and caught them in THEIR bed together. Our son was so devastated. That night,as he tried to sleep in another room with the door locked,she laid in front of his room having loud phone sex with this "man" and laughed and laughed. That did it. He called us and my husband told him to come back with us,that he wasn't going to hear of him being treated like that.
The divorce suree didn't go as she planned. She is now penniless and homeless. The "man" was married and dumped her like a hot potato when she was free to marry him as he had promised. It got really messy when the wife found out.
Our son has been married now to a sweet young lady for 7 years. No kids yet and I'm worried. She told him she wanted kids before they were married and now has changed her mind. They love ech other very much but our son is very angry and I don't blame him. He wants kids so badly. 
I hope they can work it out.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

jelly: No I never told the ow's spouse, firstly they live 400 hundred miles and away and his number is not listed.

I spoke to a friend about it yesterday and she advised me to do nothing about it that we are now divorced. Believe me, I really have no proof to substantiate it other than that pic. It would be the word of a "woman scorned." So I have to leave it alone and that poor victim will have to learn by herself like I did. She will lose alot. You don't stay married for 45 years without some real foundation and she is going to find out that what she thought was her soul mate is in reality the mate that sucks her soul dry as possible. It'll take a year or two but it will happen. She is now the fourth one. 

Well, it turns out I am much stronger than X and that is what he wanted from me. My strength, empathy and generosity and trust. 

It is sort of amusing in a cynical way to watch his antics change constantly because I no longer respond. He doesn't know what to do and so tries everything.

Yes it will be a great relief to get out of this insane asylum once and for all and then it will be NC. I told him just text if I have mail and I will text when I will be around to pick it up (I'll ask a friend) until my forwarding kicks in from the P. O. Then I will be done.

And never never do I want this type of person in my life ever again. If and when I date, I don't care if they're not handsome as long as they're empathetic, have standards, kind-hearted, sense of humor and patient with some strength of character.

Right, another dream!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Not a dream Sparkles. I'd liek to think I'm one of the people you describe. They are out there.


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