# Just learned I am a step mother



## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Just as the title says I just learned today that I am a step mother. I have been married for 6 years we have no children. I have PCOS and may not be able to have children. I am 32 he is 35.

I am not sure how old the child is but I would guess 2-3 years old. Husband told me he hid it from me so as not to hurt me. He said he attempted suicide several times last year because of this situation. I am aware of one situation, but did not know it was an attempted suicide. 

I no longer want to be with him, but am afraid of telling him. I will be seeking professional help for this situation. 
He has been to a psychologist in the past. 

He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me. 

My husband feels I am being hypocritical. In 2010 when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore we were separated for a short time. I had a one night stand. It was not intentional I was devastated about the separation and stupidly turned to alcohol as a coping method. I told him about the one night stand the very day we got back together. He forgave me. 

At the time the child was conceived we were living apart because I took a better job and he was finishing school. About 6 months later he moved to where I was. He went on a trip to a casino and apparently got drunk and slept with this woman.

According to my husband, he was not there during the child's birth and has no relationship with the little girl. The mother asks for no money. As upset as I am about the cheating, I can't help feeling bad for the little girl. I feel like this little girl needs a father more than I need a husband. 

I feel pretty confident that I will leave him. Just looking for support. I don't feel comfortable talking to family or friends about this.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I do not think you are being hypocritical. Hr told you a huge lie. However, how is a one night stand unintentional? Do not blame alcohol or drugs that is a copout. When separated did you guys agree you could date?

If I were in your shoes I would be inclined to leave your husband.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Lancaster

Thanks for your comments. Our first separation was not a mutual decision nor was it even discussed. He just stopped coming home or would come home much later then he should have. 

At the time I had no idea of what was going on. I was emotionally and mentally unwell at this time. I made terrible choices that lead to my indiscretion. I take full responsibility for what I did. I never lied to him, not for even a minute about it. 

My husband has no family in the area. He was driving my car so I went and took my car back. So he had no transportation, lost the car, and had little money. He ended up staying at the apartment this woman shares with her mother. He claims they were just friends. 

I don't believe his story. I suspect he may have been sleeping with this woman longer including when we separated, but who knows. I obviously can't trust what he says.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

So, you are worthy of forgiveness, but he is not. Got it.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My spouse had a pregnancy scare when we were separated. We were separated due to his infidelity. I was also at home caring for our 4/5 month old and 8 year old at the time. Had this resulted in a baby, I would not be able to take him back. No way in hell.

Back when we were dealing with "Schrodinger's baby", I was done. I say Schrodinger's (like Schrodinger's cat) the baby both existed and did not exist at the same time. I had to consider that it did exist until we confirmed it did not and was absolutely gutted. So in that way I can relate a bit to the pain you're in but since their is actually an innocent child in existence.

Comparing wrongs doesn't do much but give us some comfort or vindication, or mercy. But for what it's worth, I do agree with you that a ONS while separated (especially if that separation was intended to be the prelude to a divorce) is the lesser of two evils. 

You are not hypocritical because you confessed to your husband as soon as you knew you were reconciling your marriage. You didn't keep it a secret and you gave him informed consent to either forgive you and come back together or for that to be a deal-breaker. Forgiving your ONS doesn't lend itself to hiding an infidelity - especially one that resulted in a child for years. There is a huge difference between what you did and what he did. His indiscretion is one that has consequences for you, the child, the mother for life in addition to himself. This whether you remain married or not. So I would ignore comments like this:



Dedicated2Her said:


> So, you are worthy of forgiveness, but he is not. Got it.


 So don't let him blame-shift you into this. Yours and his actions are not the same. 

As for this:


> I had a one night stand. It was not intentional I was devastated about the separation and stupidly turned to alcohol as a coping method.


It's quite likely that your husband has similar justifications for doing what he did. He probably also did not intend for a baby to be a result of it. That doesn't change what happened nor make it right. 

It may very well be that this is more than you can forgive. For many women it would be. It's the female equivalent to a man finding out that his child is not his own but a result of his wife's infidelity. It's an incredibly painful situation. However you feel, what you decide to do - whether to divorce or reconcile is valid.

You don't need to make decisions right away. This is very raw for you right now, having just found out. You will be on a roller coaster of emotions and that roller coaster can last 2 to 5 years and has just started. Be gentle on yourself. No matter how bad things feel right now, you will make it through the storm of pain. I am just over 2 years out of my own nightmare and I feel so far from the pain now but do remember it. 

That you care about the well-being of the child shows that you have a good heart. I think this will be yet another consideration going forward. Unfortunately, the child is innocent in all of this. There is a possibility that the OW didn't know your husband was married so she may be "innocent" as well.

I do agree with you that children do need their fathers. Your husband should be taking responsibility for that child whether you remain married or not. This means child support and visitation. 

It's for only you to know, and to justify, explain etc. to ONLY yourself (you don't owe it to anyone else) whether you can live in a marriage where this child is part of your lives (a constant reminder of his infidelity) and that some of your incomes will be going to support her for the next 18 or so years.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I think you're not being hypocritical. There's a huge difference between his actions and your actions, especially since you separated because HE didn't want to be married anymore. He's blameshifting.

I would also leave him in your situation, with a clear conscience. I would, however, try to never get drunk again.

If you're worried about him and commiting suicide because of your departure, definitely talk to a counsellor about how to approach the situation (perhaps make sure you contact some of his family&friends and tell them you're leaving and that you're worried he might harm himself and that they should take care of him; also, if he threatens you with suicide, call 911 immediately and tell them that. After that, go NC on him).

I would also recommend counselling in general to deal with the trauma of finding out about this. Counselling has helped me a lot with being cheated on, with my issues with my family that "helped" me ignore red flags when deciding to stay in a relationship long before she cheated.

Best wishes


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I'm not understanding if you two were together the time he got this girl pregnant or not? If you were separated at the time and you both slept with someone else, you have no right in being so angry at him. If together, that's a different story.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, you are worthy of forgiveness, but he is not. Got it.



Except that there's a child from his one nighter which he hid from her, but I guess you think it's the same thing.
Got it.

Bet you wouldn't blame him if she'dgotten pregnant and he didn't want another man's child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Cleigh said:


> I'm not understanding if you two were together the time he got this girl pregnant or not? If you were separated at the time and you both slept with someone else, you have no right in being so angry at him. If together, that's a different story.



Whether she has a right to be angry or not doesn't mean she's obligated to stay married to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP,, whatever your decision please do not let suicide threats keep you in a marriage you don't want to be in. such threats are the ultimate emotional manipulation; if he threatens call the cops but do not let it strong arm you into sticking around. Remember that this guy already decided once that he didn't want to be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Cleigh said:


> I'm not understanding if you two were together the time he got this girl pregnant or not? If you were separated at the time and you both slept with someone else, you have no right in being so angry at him. If together, that's a different story.


We were together as a couple at the time, but living in different cities. I took a professional position 2 hours away and he stayed to finish school. I visited frequently, but we were still together. This was for 6 months and then he came and lived with me. It was during this time that the baby was conceived. 



> If you're worried about him and commiting suicide because of your departure, definitely talk to a counsellor about how to approach the situation (perhaps make sure you contact some of his family&friends and tell them you're leaving and that you're worried he might harm himself and that they should take care of him; also, if he threatens you with suicide, call 911 immediately and tell them that. After that, go NC on him).


I have told him today I need time to think about things. I want to see a councilor to help me with this. I am concerned he may harm him self. Unfortunately, his family all live in South America so there is no one he can get help from, but friends. 



> That you care about the well-being of the child shows that you have a good heart. I think this will be yet another consideration going forward. Unfortunately, the child is innocent in all of this. There is a possibility that the OW didn't know your husband was married so she may be "innocent" as well.


The other woman was well aware he was married. They have been friends for years and I never felt comfortable with the friendship. 

We separated in late 2010 by my husband's choice. We never talked about it and I didn't know what the problem was. He just stopped coming home or came home very late. This is when my indiscretion happened. I was completely heart broken about him wanting to separate and my actions. 

When we separated he was staying at the home the OW shares with her mother. I showed up at the house and took my car back that my husband was driving. So I know she is aware we were married. 

Before this he has confessed that he never told people he was married because he "wasn't ready for marriage". He claims they were not together during our separation. 



> It's for only you to know, and to justify, explain etc. to ONLY yourself (you don't owe it to anyone else) whether you can live in a marriage where this child is part of your lives (a constant reminder of his infidelity) and that some of your incomes will be going to support her for the next 18 or so years.


I do think about this stuff alot. While I blame both my husband and the OW for this. There is an innocent child involved. He told me the OW doesn't want money (apparently she is very well off) and hasn't stopped him from seeing her. He has never seen the baby. 

Regardless of the outcome I know he needs to see the child and support her. However, I am not sure if I can be a part of this. 

In addition to the things the poster said in the quote above, I have Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). We have tried on and off again to have children and it has not worked. So not only is the child a reminder of my husband's infidelity, she is a reminder of my inability to have children. I have had to deal with this alot in my life, but never so directly. 

I absolutely hate thinking of a little girl this way. It kills me, but I don't think I will be able to put these thoughts out of my mind and it's not right to involve a child in that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wow....I'm sorry it's Offaly for you to make a mistake but your husband....just because he got her pregnant......tell if the rolls were reversed would you have kept the baby if it was you and gone back to your husband forgiveness...I hope you don't live in a glass house.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*Re: Re: Just learned I am a step mother*



Xenote said:


> Wow....I'm sorry it's Offaly for you to make a mistake but your husband....just because he got her pregnant......tell if the rolls were reversed would you have kept the baby if it was you and gone back to your husband forgiveness...I hope you don't live in a glass house.


They were separated during ONS because her husband had left her and told her he didn't want to be married to her anymore.

When you tell someone you are leaving them, you can't really get mad if they believe you and act accordingly.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Wow....I'm sorry it's Offaly for you to make a mistake but your husband....just because he got her pregnant......tell if the rolls were reversed would you have kept the baby if it was you and gone back to your husband forgiveness...I hope you don't live in a glass house.




Wow. If she had gotten pregnant every guy on TAM would be chastising her for even suggesting that her hb should accept another man's baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I can't speak for every man on TAM...but I wouldn't.....the fact remains there separated not divorced....but However you want to change the facts to make it less hypocritical is fine by me.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

*Re: Re: Just learned I am a step mother*



lifeistooshort said:


> Wow. If she had gotten pregnant every guy on TAM would be chastising her for even suggesting that her hb should accept another man's baby.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly.

Imagine a man came to TAM whose wife separated from him. During the separation he had a ONS, meanwhile his wife got pregnant and let the child's father raise it. Once they reconciled, he came clean with the ONS, she kept her baby a secret for four years.

How many men here would tell him to forgive her and he was a hypocrite because he had a ONS? How many would tell him to divorce?

Would love to hear replies from those who have been ugly to the OP, (BTW, shame on you.) She just found out the day she posted that her husband cheated and it's a double-whammy as he has a 2 or 3 year old child and that is the solace you offer? Double shame on you if you too have been cheated on and that was the "advice" you gave. Ridiculous.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Xenote said:


> I can't speak for every man on TAM...but I wouldn't.....the fact remains there separated not divorced....but However you want to change the facts to make it less hypocritical is fine by me.


Well that's nice and certainly a decision you'd be entitled to make for yourself. But if you'd bother to get the facts straight yourself before you made snide remarks you might comprehend that she's not condemning the ons, which would be hypocritical because she did it too, she doesn't want to deal with the child. And this is a man that in fact decided HE didn't want to be married. Those are the facts so please bother to get them straight before you make snide remarks.

I suppose if you had a ons and your wife screwed 25 different guys and got pregnant by one you'd have to live with that because otherwise you'd be a hypocrite?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

The OP 2nd post was clearer about the situation. Doesn't sound like you have much keeping you in this marriage. Let him figure this out on his own.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Life is short et al,

I stand corrected, and i apologize to the OP for any undue stress my words may have caused her. I wish her well.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

I appreciate all the comments. I really do. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. Mostly I have felt numb. 

Just to clarify. After I confessed to my husband that I had a ONS, he told me he would only take me back if I was not pregnant. In addition, he has a brother whose wife had another man's baby during their marriage. My husband encouraged him to leave her. I know that words are just that and I can never know for sure what would have happened if I was pregnant. 

I feel particularly betrayed due to the fact that the OW has been in his life since May 2009 and I have always felt uncomfortable about their friendship. I have always felt it was inappropriate. However I had no proof of anything and he would tell me nothing about her. I just had suspicions and a bad feeling. I told him way before his ONS with this woman that if he cheated with her I would leave him. 

I could have forgiven the ONS, after all I made the same mistake. But not with this woman. My husband hide everything about her from me for so many years. He continued a friendship with her even though I told him I was uncomfortable with it. He made me feel like I was a controlling and suspicious person. 

I told him this morning that the best thing for him to do would be to return to NC to be with and take care of his child. We now live in DC which is about a 7 hour car ride. He told me that he wants to be with me. I told him he doesn't get that luxury of doing what he wants anymore. He is now a father.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Again I am sorry that you are here. When you are in the thick of it, this will seem like the most painful thing you could ever endure. There is light at the end of it though and strength.

From your last and your second posts, it does sound like your H was having an affair with this woman. It has to be a little more than coincidence that his ONS was with her. Also, while it only takes one time to get pregnant the odds of that are lower. Impeccable (not said in a nice way) timing for them.

Good for you for telling him he no longer gets to decide what he wants.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your situation (a ONS during a separation he initiated and you didn't want -- and, yes, it's possible she was the cause of that separation) and his situation (a long relationship with a "friend" he got pregnant while you were together but separated by distance) are very different. You learned alcohol can make people do very stupid things but you immediately told him. He chose to stay with you. That didn't give him a free pass to do whatever he wanted. 

With a long "friendship" in play, he very well might not have had a ONS. Your gut feeling about her probably wasn't wrong. And now a child is involved. So you get to choose whether to stay with him and just because he chose you doesn't mean you have to choose him. 

His idea that you are hypocritical is his attempt to spin a bad situation. And not a very good one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell him if he threatens suicide, you will call 911. He may or may not be using that to manipulate you but it's his issue and not yours. Tell him to get help. 

You told him previously that if he cheated with this woman you would end the marriage. He did anyway and now there's an innocent child in the middle of the mess. I agree he needs to return to NC amd be a father to her. The sooner the better. Today would be good.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but I have no one to talk to about this. 

Today both my husband and I had to work so we did not see each other. He is staying in the house. He sleeps on the coach. I just keep telling him I don't want to talk to him and that I need time to think. I have already made up my mind of what I am doing, but I am afraid he will hurt himself. I am trying to get in contact with his brother. One of his brothers knows the situation; however, I don't think he knows my husband is suicidal. 

I know how stupid this sounds. He has hurt me so much and I still am trying to make sure he is ok. When he said he was suicidal he was telling the truth. He tried to drive our car through our apartment. At the time he said the accident was caused by break failure. There was nothing wrong with the breaks and I had no other way to explain it other then he had a stupid accident. 

For the most part I have felt very stupid today. The puzzle pieces are all fitting together and it's sickening. I am fairly certain he has lied and has a long term affair maybe several. Who knows. Part of me wants to ask him for the truth, but I realize that he is not capable of telling the truth. 

I feel incredibly stupid for still loving him. As of a week ago I thought we were happy and doing well. How was I so far from reality?

I don't know how I am going to explain all this to my family and friends. Everyone told me he was cheating a few years ago and I choose to believe his lies. I feel stupid and embarrassed. Today at work my coworker could see that something was wrong, but I just said I didn't want to talk about it and changed the subject. 

I have not eaten in two days, and I can't sleep. I don't know how I am going to get through work. 

On a positive note I have not touched alcohol. So at least there is that. 

I should also note that I am really hopped up on medicine. The past six months I have not been well. I have barely been able to walk because of back pain (they want to operate) and I had a cancer scare (they thought I had leukemia, which killed his mother; happily I don't have leukemia). So that may also be effecting me. While I have cried at night and at work, I have not cried in front of him and it confuses him (not that I care).


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Tell him if he threatens suicide, you will call 911. He may or may not be using that to manipulate you but it's his issue and not yours. Tell him to get help.


He is manipulative, but I never realized it. He has told me he was suicidal once in the past and I did tell him I would call 911. He then backed down. I hope to talk to a therapist tomorrow who can help me with this situation.

The really sick thing is he has been telling me for months that he has another woman and a daughter. However when ever I confronted him or got annoyed or pissed off he would say he was joking or making things up. He would also tell me he cheated, then when I would get mad he would say he was just trying to see how I would react.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi.

When you go to see a counsellor, please also work on how you feel about your ONS. In my mind, it wasn't wrong, but I think it weighs heavily on you. I hope the counsellor will help you see it's nothing to feel bad or guilty about, or if it is, to help you let go of the burden.

Best wishes!


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> Hi.
> 
> When you go to see a counsellor, please also work on how you feel about your ONS. In my mind, it wasn't wrong, but I think it weighs heavily on you. I hope the counsellor will help you see it's nothing to feel bad or guilty about, or if it is, to help you let go of the burden.
> 
> Best wishes!


It tore me up for years. Not only for what I did to my husband, but alot had to do with what I did to myself. I always thought of myself as a strong person who was able to handle anything. When he left me I fell apart. It's not an excuse, but I was emotionally unstable because of his actions. I was inexperienced with dealing with such situations. My husband was the first man I lived with or had sex with. 

Of course he didn't make it easy on me. He left and would constantly call me and sometimes show up at my home even though I told him I wanted to be left alone to start my life over. He wanted to be free, but wanted to have me as well. 

I have learned that I am fragile and I make mistakes. The ONS definitely was one even looking back now and knowing what I know now. The whole situation back in 2009 left me feeling dirty. I felt embarrassed about the whole situation. At the time I was emotionally unstable and still in love with him. Not knowing the truth and after he wouldn't leave me alone I begged him to come home to work things out. I promised myself I would never do that again. I always felt like I let myself down for doing that. However, I will talk to the councilor about the ONS.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Except that there's a child from his one nighter which he hid from her, but I guess you think it's the same thing.
> Got it.
> 
> Bet you wouldn't blame him if she'dgotten pregnant and he didn't want another man's child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You assume too much. Here is the fact of the matter. It is marriage. Marriage doesn't work if you are measuring who has done the greatest wrong. I'm not saying she should take him back. I'm just telling her to have some perspective. There are more than likely some valid reasons for him feeling the way he does and for her feeling the way she does. Uncovering those and working through the baggage leads you down the path of deciding what to do. Blame rests on both sides.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

pixie1 said:


> He is manipulative, but I never realized it. He has told me he was suicidal once in the past and I did tell him I would call 911. He then backed down. I hope to talk to a therapist tomorrow who can help me with this situation.
> 
> The really sick thing is he has been telling me for months that he has another woman and a daughter. However when ever I confronted him or got annoyed or pissed off he would say he was joking or making things up. He would also tell me he cheated, then when I would get mad he would say he was just trying to see how I would react.


People don't say things like that just to see how you'll react. He's very likely been cheating for a long time. How did you find out?

Yes, you will feel uncomfortable telling people they were right all along -- if you choose to tell them the true situation. It's not necessary that anyone know the reason if you don't want to share it. If you do choose to share it, just say you wish you had listened then but you have corrected things now.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Openminded I found out when we were going out to Buffalo Wild Wings. He kept talking about his woman and daughter and I got angry and said either tell me the truth or shut up about it. And he told me at Buffalo Wild Wings. He tried to lie and first and say he slept with someone he didn't know, but when I told him I could tell he was lieing he finally told me the "truth".

He came home this morning and we talked for a while. I told him I put the pieces together and that I knew he had an affair. He confessed to the affair although he claims that it was only sex a few times. He says he lied to her too about being married. She found out when I went to her house to get my car, although they continued to sleep together. I also found out he has been sending her lots of money for his daughter from his part time job. While I think it's good he is financially supporting her, it was difficult to hear that he was sending money out of the house hold. The baby was born in June 2013. Meaning she was conceived sometime after I moved for work and when he told me he had to stay to finish his school. 

He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. It is difficult to hear. I love him, but there is no coming back from this. How could I ever trust him again? It's impossible. I again told him he should return to NC to be with his baby. 

I feel so sad and so numb. I am taking off work tomorrow to see a therapist.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was very likely more than just a few times. And the perfect setting for that was when you moved away for work and he said he needed to stay behind for school. He's trickle-truthing you. The problem is you may never know the whole truth. Cheaters aren't exactly anxious to share that with their spouse. 

I know this is difficult to live through. Your whole world has been blown up by the one person you felt you could trust. But you WILL get through it. 

And you will come out of it a much stronger person.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

How do some men manage to find women who will put up with such stuff?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

pixie1 said:


> It tore me up for years. Not only for what I did to my husband, but alot had to do with what I did to myself. I always thought of myself as a strong person who was able to handle anything. When he left me I fell apart. It's not an excuse, but I was emotionally unstable because of his actions. I was inexperienced with dealing with such situations. My husband was the first man I lived with or had sex with.


It seems to me the ONS is something you needed at the time. It doesn't make you weak or wrong or anything else. It was just something you needed at the time. No reason to feel guilty.

BTW you are not a Step Mom. The child is not from a relationship previous to yours. You did not choose to marry him knowing he had this child. I don't know what the official term might be, but it isn't Step Mom.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> How do some men manage to find women who will put up with such stuff?


A lot of factors at play, but he was extremely manipulative. He often made me feel like I was the problem. I suspected cheating, but never had any proof. 

Mr The Other thank you for pointing out how stupid I was. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough already. I came to this forum for support and not judgement or abuse. 

I may have been stupid; however, the OW is stuck with his **** for the next 18 years and I will free of him soon.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Openminded said:


> It was very likely more than just a few times. And the perfect setting for that was when you moved away for work and he said he needed to stay behind for school. He's trickle-truthing you. The problem is you may never know the whole truth. Cheaters aren't exactly anxious to share that with their spouse.
> 
> I know this is difficult to live through. Your whole world has been blown up by the one person you felt you could trust. But you WILL get through it.
> 
> And you will come out of it a much stronger person.


He definitely is trickle-truthing. Even when he was trying to admit the "truth" it was full of lies. I think he probably cheated with other women the entire time. I know I will never know the truth. I just want a divorce now and to move on with my life.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, you are worthy of forgiveness, but he is not. Got it.


I sensed sarcasm. Everyone is worthly of forgiveness. We must forgive and move on. 

Pixie1, you need to leave. I am afraid your desire to become a mother will cloud your judgement on this matter. 
I was in your shoes at one point during my marriage. I wanted to have a child, it never happened.
Ex had a child from a relationship with an ex gf, from before we met. The situation is a bit different, but the essence remain.
Get yourself some therapy. Point your husband in the right direction so he can receive therapy as well.
It sounds to me as if there is an underlying factor in your husband's well being. 
You are not responsible for his well being, you can point him in the right direction, but you cannot make him do it. He has to do it for himself.

I am very sorry for you both.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

pixie1 said:


> A lot of factors at play, but he was extremely manipulative. He often made me feel like I was the problem. I suspected cheating, but never had any proof.
> 
> Mr The Other thank you for pointing out how stupid I was. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough already. I came to this forum for support and not judgement or abuse.
> 
> I may have been stupid; however, the OW is stuck with his **** for the next 18 years and I will free of him soon.


I was not meaning to suggest you are stupid and I am sorry it came across this way. From a male perspective, coming to TAM has been an eye-opener on the amount of nonsense women have to put up with from men as well as the other way around (and I must say it has been a shock how much some male posters take for granted).


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> I was not meaning to suggest you are stupid and I am sorry it came across this way. From a male perspective, coming to TAM has been an eye-opener on the amount of nonsense women have to put up with from men as well as the other way around (and I must say it has been a shock how much some male posters take for granted).


Mr The Other thanks for the clarification. I appreciate it. It is eye opening to see what everyone is going through.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Hello all, 

I just wanted to post an update for everyone who has been reading and responding to my case.

It's been a month since learning of my husband's affair. I read a really good book on infidelity which helped me look at the situation from different viewpoints and it helped open me to the possibility of reconciliation. We are trying to save the marriage. We are taking it one day at a time. Some days are absolutely terrible and others are good. 

We have entered marriage counseling and I am seeing an individual councilor. My husband has been patiently answering all of my questions and working to fix the marriage. 

My husband told the other woman that the affair is over. However, they remain in contact concerning the child. We are working in therapy on a way to handle that situation together. I don't know what to expect from this woman. I suspect she got pregnant on purpose in order to try to force him into marriage with her. (I know it takes two to make a baby and my husband is guilty of not using protection. Trust me both myself and our counselor have pointed this out to him. She told him she was on birth control.) My husband told me she has asked many times over the years that he leave me for her. I am afraid the situation will get far worse. 

I still have not told my friends or family and I am not sure when I will. There is just no easy way to do it. 

I am still having difficulty functioning at a normal level. Eating is still difficult. Most days when I come home from work I sit on the couch watching tv until my husband gets home at 8:30. I don't cook or clean. I have difficulty concentrating at work.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try to get some exercise. Even just walking for 30 minutes every evening.

You've gotten into a habit pattern, and we all know that habits are difficult to get out of. You've gotten used to coming home and watching tv. You're self-medicating with tv. If you could get involved in some kind of activity which breaks you out of this habit, it could help you feel less run over. For example, join a yoga or other exercise class at the local gym or community center. If this is a regularly scheduled class, perhaps starting 30 minutes after you get home from work, it would give you something to look forward to. You would get physical activity and also interaction with other people.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

Thor said:


> Try to get some exercise. Even just walking for 30 minutes every evening.
> 
> You've gotten into a habit pattern, and we all know that habits are difficult to get out of. You've gotten used to coming home and watching tv. You're self-medicating with tv. If you could get involved in some kind of activity which breaks you out of this habit, it could help you feel less run over. For example, join a yoga or other exercise class at the local gym or community center. If this is a regularly scheduled class, perhaps starting 30 minutes after you get home from work, it would give you something to look forward to. You would get physical activity and also interaction with other people.


Thor, 

Thanks for your comments. I try to walk as I am able to. I have chronic back pain. At 32 I have degenerative discs and need to have a ALIF back surgery in December. So my physical activity is a bit limited at the moment. But when I can I walk my dog and I really enjoy that. My medical conditions have also been a source of stress for me during this ordeal.


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## pixie1 (Sep 27, 2014)

So my husband and I have been to marriage counseling and it seems to really be helping. However, the other woman is now messaging me on facebook. She has the nerve to complain about her suffering and the attention that my husband has paid to me during their affair. She complains that it is difficult to be a single mother and that he isn't more involved in the child's life (OW lives in NC and we leave in Northern VA). 

I am concerned because she made a statement about hoping that my husband and I will leave her and her child alone. (I don't know what she is referring to. I have had no contact with her or the child.) She also wrote that her and the child prefer to disappear from my husband's life. To me it sounds like a threat that she is going to abduct the child or hide the child from my husband. 

The OW is a dual citizen of the USA and Vietnam. I looked up that Vietnam has not signed the Hague Abduction Convention. 

My husband is obviously furious. He plans on contacting a lawyer tomorrow.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Just to clarify... at times you have indicated that you sound pretty certain that you want a divorce, but a couple of your more recent posts seem to indicate that you and your husband are making progress in MC and have future plans together as a couple. Have you changed your mind a bit?

For the record, I'm not being critical if you have changed your mind, at all. In my view, I think it's at least spending some extended time in MC with your husband before you make a decision like divorce anyway. You'd hate for there to be any regrets further down the line. Marriage-wise, it seems like a positive thing that she doesn't want anything to do with either of you, as that indicates that he probably has really told her that he wants to save his marriage and will not consider being with her. It sounds like his biggest failure here was in not confessing the affair earlier on when you both reconciled, as you did with your ONS, which he clearly should have done.

I'm curious though, I feel like earlier on you had indicated that your husband hasn't really been in the child's life at all so far, but at the same time he is terribly concerned with the notion of the mother wanting to keep him out of the child's life. He does want to be in the child's life now?


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