# When will I stop....



## Sunnyb (Dec 14, 2015)

Hi everyone.....I'm new to this site as well and I found it because I really don't know where to turn for peer advice. No one I'm close to has been in a similar situation so I really don't have anyone that can offer the "I've been there" advice.

Anyway, I found out my husband was having an affair two months ago. It was mostly phone conversations with one sexual encounter over the course of 2 months. And I found out because my gut told me to check the phone bill (he was acting weird that day). Seeing phone call after phone call on the bill led me to finding out. After some initial denial (within the first few hours), he came clean. 

Since then we've been to counseling, he's been to counseling, I've been to counseling...and he's 100% dedicated to being a better person. He realizes he's been a jerk for years, not only to me, but our kids....he's very remorseful. I love him and am willing to work through this, but at what point in my dealing/ coping with the situation will I stop obsessing over the details? Will I just have an epiphany one day and close that door? Does it take months? Years? This has been very hard especially with the holidays. I feel like I haven't been able to grieve the loss of what I thought our relationship was because we've been so busy with everyday life. And I feel kind of stuck on the details.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm not sure there is a magic amount of time, and a lot of it depends on what HE is doing to regain your trust. But, I will say that 2 months is only a drop in the bucket, I think. Especially when life's a bit chaotic. 

Sorry you are here . I hope your husband has given you all of his passwords, etc. and is being an open book.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm not sure there is a magic amount of time, and *a lot of it depends on what HE is doing to regain your trust. But, I will say that 2 months is only a drop in the bucket*, I think. Especially when life's a bit chaotic.
> 
> Sorry you are here . I hope your husband has given you all of his passwords, etc. and is being an open book.


Very much so.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

This is a huge betrayal on your husband's part. He has to re-earn your trust, which can take a very long time, and at the same time, you have to process your emotions and heal. All of that can take a very, very long time, which seems unfair, doesn't it? I imagine you want to fix this, get over it, and be back the way you were, right? After all, he wasn't cheating for a really long time, it was only two months. But time doesn't quantify the magnitude of the betrayal, and you're having to figure out together what kind of marriage you will have AFTER. It's never going to go back to the way it was. And that is going to take time, and as Second Time says, much of it depends on him and what he does and how much effort he puts in.

I wish you the best of luck.

And an aside... never going back to the way it was isn't a bad thing. It could be like Kintsugi, if you both put in your full effort. You could eventually have a better, stronger marriage because of this.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You most likely won't have a better, stronger marriage because the one person in the world who was supposed to have your back, and who you could trust without question, has shown you that this isn't the case and never will be again.

You suffer as a result. Hopefully one day he will have earned most of your trust back - a lot of variables between that day and today.

You will hopefully find you can have a better husband though. He has proven to be a bad husband - no two ways about it. And he can change particularly if he is remorseful, is bending over backward to earn your trust, suffers with you for the loss of your marriage caused by him, etc.

Having a better husband and one who will forever work to maintain your trust, respect and love - assuming he earns it back - is what people mean when they say your marriage can be stronger. 

Unfortunately you have to pay (with the loss you've already experienced and will continue to feel to some extent forever) to buy that new marriage.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Takes a long time. And if he never ended it or took it underground then what? Did you get the truth? Did he answer your questions? 

It is a roller coaster ride. At some point the sting diminishes and there is no magical time line as to when it does. 

If he is remorseful and one can more or less feel it, then that will go a long way to healing. If your gut tells you then things are not right, then IMO healing can't start.

When my wife came clean around May 2013. it felt right. 

I can honestly tell you that it is still h*ll from time to time and I just suck it up.

There are moments when I still feel like I should have just walked. Now that she is sick, if I would have ended the marriage her life would be more pitiful then it is now.


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## Sunnyb (Dec 14, 2015)

Thank you all for your kind words. He has and continues to answer my questions, but after what he did how am I supposed to believe what he says is what really happened? I realize I'll never have all the pieces to the puzzle because I wasn't there in the relationship. That's what makes me the most upset- I want all the pieces! He told me he did it, I have the phone records to see how much they talked. Why do I feel like I have to have every single detail? I want that feeling to go away. Ughhh. Time I guess, I need time.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sunnyb said:


> Thank you all for your kind words. He has and continues to answer my questions, but after what he did how am I supposed to believe what he says is what really happened? I realize I'll never have all the pieces to the puzzle because I wasn't there in the relationship. That's what makes me the most upset- I want all the pieces! He told me he did it, I have the phone records to see how much they talked. Why do I feel like I have to have every single detail? I want that feeling to go away. Ughhh. Time I guess, I need time.


It's been three years for me and not a day goes by that I don't think about being betrayed. 

Two months....your wet behind the ears. 

I will say this. I don't let any of it interfere with me being happy.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Sunnyb said:


> Why do I feel like I have to have every single detail? I want that feeling to go away. Ughhh. Time I guess, I need time.


I think wanting the details helps some of us process and begin to accept what happened. I eventually got most of the details by contacting other men and pretending to be her. In some way, it helped to know that some elements weren't as bad as I had imagined. However, after two years, I still think about it every single day. 

One mistake that I made and most others seem to make is to let it be rug-swept after the initial month or two. For you to reconcile and have real happiness, your husband needs to learn that he must be proactive to communicate with you about this for as long as you need.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It depends on a number of factors.

Individual and couple's counselling can help.

It can take months or years. Longer, without counselling.

We'll be here for you.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Having gone through it in the past. I can tell you one day you just let it go.. But NOT after 2 months for sure..

It took about 1 year or so of honest work on my Ex wife part to trust her. 
Then I had to suck it up myself.. I had to not harp on it or go crazy trying to wonder where she was all the time. Eventually I got tired of the snooping as it became a 2nd full time job.. 

But let me tell you they have to be 1000 percent clear and transparent.. My Ex wife was pretty much hey I am going here.. Hey I am halfway there.. Hey I am here.. Hey I am almost done.. Hey I'm done and on my way home. .Hey I am half way home. Hey I am home..

When I was insecure she would sooth me like a kid.. I'm sorry.. I feel so bad.. I love you so much.. I promise you I will show you I deserve to be with you, that I deserve you and your love..

Well that was the 3 previous times.. The last time ( the 4th ) she was hiding everything and I could tell.. I would catch her at every twist and turn. But I was foolish to believe her and she was good at lying to the therapist.. So I believed what the therapist told me.. She fooled us both..

Don't fall for the I was lonely, things changed bullsh!t though.. Try to find out good or bad why he did it.. 

Not knowing everything is like going to the doctor and the doctor telling you that you have a rash AND...... 

And what ? 

A cold, Cancer, herpes ? What.. And what..... 

What medication do I take for And ?? I don't know.. Should I just guess and assume the worst ? Go for chemotherapy ? 
Or just get a penicillin shot.. 

YOU DO need to know it all so you can make a real choice..

Mind you I have a real big issue hearing they only met once to fvck.. Fvcking someone new is like crack.. Once you get a new piece of a$$ you want to fvck it all the time.. The first time I fvcked my GF, I did it Wednesday and then we met Thursday and then Friday, Saturday and Sunday.. The weekend ( Friday night, Sat, Sun ) was an all day fest.. 3 or 4 times a day.. We were literally like shut ins.. 

So we only did it once just doesn't sit well with me.. 

What he needs to understand is, if he trickle truths you on any of this and you find out something different later on.. It will not only delay the healing process, it will actually reverse it.. There will come a point where you will get so tired of hearing this in drips and drabs that you will just cut him lose.. Because every time you have to pull a new fact out of him it just crushes you a bit more..

It just comes to a point where your just tired of getting hurt and so pissed that this person can't even be honest.. You finally decide it isn't emotionally worth it for you it.. 

So try to explain this to him so he can come clean once.. Take his massive beating once and both of you can move on and heal and work to fix this.. 


Good luck.. keep posting and no matter what keep it to this thread.. It makes it easier for those giving advice and following along to give out right info when they know all the little stories as you progress during your recovery..


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Sunnyb said:


> I love him and am willing to work through this, but at what point in my dealing/ coping with the situation will I stop obsessing over the details? Will I just have an epiphany one day and close that door? Does it take months? Years? This has been very hard especially with the holidays. I feel like I haven't been able to grieve the loss of what I thought our relationship was because we've been so busy with everyday life. And I feel kind of stuck on the details.


 It typically takes 2 to 5 years to get mostly over an affair (will never be 100%). You are just 2 months in and are still learning more of the details. You need all of the details so that you know what you are forgiving.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

No infidelity in my marriage so I can't relate, but I've read enough bad reconciliations to lead me to believe that it might be better to end it via divorce then date and see if you can build a new marriage. Maybe that would allow both parties to grieve the loss of the marriage and both work to build a new one - or quit if it's too much work. IDK


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You'll likely never get that 100% trust back. Betrayal by a spouse hurts to the core and leaves a permanent mark. 

It can take a year, two years, five... Maybe never. If you're determined to try, you have to be open to any possible outcome. 

If he tries to hide anything from you, it'll be a long road for sure. 

You're also free to change your mind at any time in the process. 

Just remember that when he cheated on you, your wellbeing and consideration was furthest from his mind. Think on that when you are weighing whether he deserves your consideration and forgiveness. I think many here are probably more forgiving than I'd be under the circumstances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It can take some time to heal from an affair.. the amount of time usually given is 2 to 5 years. The more you both work on recovering your marriage and the more he works to help you heal, the faster the recovery will be.

There are some very good books out there that can really help this process. You said that you both are in counseling. These books are a great addition to counseling and contain things that most counselors never get to because there just is not enough time in counseling sessions to cover it all.


This book is for both of you to read.

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

This book is for your husband. It seems that he is not doing enough to help you heal from his actions. Maybe this will help. 

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

After you read those books, there are three good ones that I think would help you restructure your marriage:

His Need, Her Needs by Dr. Harley

Love Busters by Dr. Harley

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel


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