# Problem with sister-in law



## jwill (Jan 9, 2011)

I've been married for nine years now, and have had a few issues with my some of my in-laws in those nine years, but nothing to the point of deliberate acts to get back at me. However, most recently I've had some problems with my wife's youngest sister.

My wife has two sisters, each of them have children, so as a result their children spend a significant amount of time with their respective aunts. However, my wife and I have no children of our own, so often our contact with our nephews is limited to family get togethers such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, etc.

I should mention that my wife suffers from a psychiatric disorder, so for the good part of the first four years of our marriage she spend a lot of time in and out of the hospital. But for the last few years she has been on new medication for this condition and has had no admissions for the last five years. So we got to talking one day about how she felt she had missed out on a great deal of time with her nephews as they were growing up, she expressed how she would like to be a more significant part of their lives, as she feels they don't really know her that well.

So for Christmas, 2009, we bought each of them guitars, as they both expressed an interest in learning how to play. Now I play guitar, and even spend a decade working as a professional musician. This may sound a bit self serving, but when we bought the guitars we also offered free guitar lessons with me as a means of spending some time with them. Both her sisters are divorced, so they have co-custody of their sons and have them every second week. So it was then agreed that they would visit us once every second week for about an hour. Everything went fine with one sister, but her youngest sister is where the problems started.
In February, 2010 I was visiting my in-laws when a friend of theirs made a racial comment which I found to be offensive. I won't repeat the comment itself, but it made reference to a stereotype directed at Aboriginal people. The instant that the comment was made I told this individual I found his comment to be offensive due in part to the fact that my son was part Aboriginal. Although my son passed away twenty years ago, at the time when he was still alive both his mom and I had to endure far too many racial comments, so despite the passage of time, it's still a sore spot for me. At the time when I stated I found his comment to be offensive my sister-in-law began to laugh. So I asked her what she was laughing at, the comment or me for finding it offensive, to which I got no immediate reply. She later blew up at me and insisted she was not laughing at either me or the comment. At this point I should add that at no time did I blow up at her in return, nor was I rude in stating that I found the racist comment to be offensive. 
I simply spoke out against a comment that I felt was inappropriate. I should mention that the individual who made the comment had no idea that I had a son that was part Aboriginal; however he did apologize for his comment. My sister in-law however, was fully aware of this fact.

Her immediate response was to discontinue the guitar lessons, and won't allow either of us to even speak to our nephew. And in the last year she has done everything she can to paint me in as negative a light as possible. On my wife’s birthday she got our nephew to call her and wish her a happy birthday (she has never done this in the eight years previously), yet on my birthday I got no call. Every Christmas we get a recent school photo of our nephew with "to auntie and uncle", but this past Christmas the photo we received only had to "auntie"; I was completely eliminated. She has even gone as far as to tell my wife that she is free to see her nephew provided that she separates from me. 

I've never had a problem with this sister in-law before. I don't have much to do with her, accept on the occasion that she may ask for help with something at her home. I don't even initiate conversations with her, she has always been the one to ask me questions, ask for my help or initiate a conversation. I generally don’t like to impose on other people's lives, so aside from this particular incident I essentially speak when I am spoken too. 

Now my wife tells me I was right for speaking out against the comment, and she has even told me that her sisters decision not to have my nephew have anything to do with us is wrong, but she will not tell her sister that her decision is wrong. Now I feel hurt that I am not allowed to speak to my nephew anymore, and I feel hurt by the fact that my wife won't talk to her sister about her behavior. What I want to know is was I right in speaking out against the comment and should I feel hurt by the fact that my wife will not talk to her sister about this situation? I do know that I am extremely hurt by the fact that I am no longer allowed to have any communication with my nephew, he's only twelve, and I don't think it's fair that he should have been brought into this disagreement at all.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Why are some people so immature? What's her problem? Is she defending the person that made the comment? Did she see your response as disrespectful? Obviously, something really bothers her. She's reacting like a child, so I fear for her son. I'd be the bigger person and just try to talk to her? Would she respond if you called? Maybe sent a letter or email?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

jwill said:


> What I want to know is was I right in speaking out against the comment and should I feel hurt by the fact that my wife will not talk to her sister about this situation? I do know that I am extremely hurt by the fact that I am no longer allowed to have any communication with my nephew, he's only twelve, and I don't think it's fair that he should have been brought into this disagreement at all.


First, I want to tell you how happy I am for you that your wife's psychiatric issues are resolved. My daughter has a psychiatric problem, and I'd willingly shave ten years off my life to have her better.

Second...YES...you were right in speaking out against the racial slur. People who make comments like this should be taken to task. It's not right. Your wife absolutely should talk to her sister. Maybe she's afraid she's going to get the same kind of treatment you're getting if she speaks out. I would say too bad to that. You are her husband, and she should handle this issue. 
FWIW, I don't think the 12yo should be brought into the disagreement either. Smacks of extreme immaturity. I'm sorry.


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Wow. That is absolutely ridiculous. Are you sure its just over the comment and maybe not something else that's been building and the comment was the catalyst? Either way its very immature. The boy should not be brought into this at all. If you had done something that caused your character to be in question that she wouldn't want her son around that influence, then maybe. But to just say a particular comment was offensive, no way. 

You had every right to say you were offended by the comment. If you weren't rude or confrontational about it then yeah, you should have said something. Maybe by calling her out on her laughter at apparently nothing, embarrassed her. She knew it was wrong and why it was wrong but did it anyway and got caught so her embarrassment turned into unfair aggression toward you. (I am very guilty of doing this and it's really screwed up but it's my natural reaction.) 

As far as being hurt that your wife won't talk with her, I think that depends on the wife's personality. If she's pretty non-confrontational and is already afraid that she could lose connection with the nephew, I could see it being really hard for her to confront her sister. However if there is anyone a non-confrontational person can be confrontational with its siblings and spouses (not always but most of the time.) If she has no problem with conflict then yes, being hurt is very reasonable.

I think that you should talk to your wife and let her know how you feel. Just let her know you want to get this resolved and find out why she is uncomfortable talking to her sister about it. Maybe if she doesn't want to talk to her alone then you could both confront her and support each other that way (if the sister will let you.) 

I am very sorry she (the sister) is putting you through this.


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## jwill (Jan 9, 2011)

I would like to thank those who responded to my post. This situation has been ongoing for about a year now. 

I would like to mention that shortly after the initial incident my wife did call her sister to mention that she felt her reaction was a bit harsh. My wife was on the phone and I was in another room and I could her sister yelling over the phone at her. It was during this phone conversation that my wifes sister informed her that her son was not to have anything to do with us. My wife is more than a bit afraid of her sister, so for her to call and tell her that she should apologize was a big step. 

My wife emailed her sister a few weeks after the initial incident and when she got a reply it was nothing more than a personal attack on me. She also denied ever laughing at the comment. I should clarify that prior to this incident I have never had a problem with my sister in-law before. In fact, when she was going through her divorce, her ex-husband enrolled their son in a soccer league, and for the first year, every time she went to a soccer game in which her ex-husband would be in attendance she would call my wife and I to go along with her as she didn't feel safe being there alone. Also, just two weeks before this incident my sister in-law and a friend of hers went to concert and she needed someone to drive our nephew to his soccer game-so she asked us. We got him to his game, got him home safely, and there was no problems. 

But since this incident with the racial comment my sister in-law has had nothing nice to say about me, but has not spoken a word to me. When I read the email she sent to my wife I waited a few weeks thinking the time would calm her down a bit. I wrote her an email apologizing for my jumping to the conclusion that she was laughing at the racial comment-thinking maybe she wasn't laughing at the comment itself but the situation. This only made the situation worse. 

Somehow she has managed to convince my mother in-law, other members of her family, and at one point even had my wife almost convinced that our attempt to connect to our nephew was nothing more than my veiled attempt at getting closer to her because I am apparently "romantically interested in her". How she has managed to equate this with spending time with our nephew is beyond me. I've known my wife for ten years, and we've been married for nine, at at no point have I ever given any impression that I am romantically interested in anyone in her family. And prior to this incident I have never done anything to hurt or offend my sister in-laws son, or any other children in my wifes family. In fact I always got along better with the children in her family than the adults. I have no problem with my other nephew and although I haven't always seen eye to eye with my wifes other sister, she has never got her son involved with any disagreements we've had in the past.

One more thing I would like to add is that December, 2009 was the first year that my wife and I were invited to her youngest sisters son's Christmas concert and his birthday party. My wifes youngest sister had never invited us to these things before, and I thought this may have had something to do with my wifes psychiatric condition. But my wife has been fine and hasn't been hospitalized for the last few years. This past December we were not invited to our nephews Christmas concert, nor were we invited to his birthday party.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, you were absolutely correct in addressing the racial comment.

Second, if you SIL was not laughing at your comment (or the racial comment) it would have been up to her to explain why she was laughing, at least in her own defense. maybe she heard something funny at the same time and was reacting to that and not the comment. No one needs to explain themselves, but in this situation, with relatives involved, it would have gone a long way.

As for your wife, she supported your stand and addressed it with her sister. She is now in a situation where she has a relationship with her nephew and if you want her to continue the fight, that relationship will end. Is that what you want? I don't think so.

As for the rest of the family, you will prove yourself (not that you have to) by being a strong husband and good uncle to the kids you can see. Eventually people will see that you are a good man.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

jwill,

she's got problems, significant ones, to behave in this way, involving her son as a pawn in her immature game...

**I totaly agree with Chris that if she laughed at the same moment you pointed out the hurtfulness of the racist comment, it was up to her, she should have, politely explained "oh, sorry, no i was laughing at such and such,'...the fact that she made no effort to reassure you her laughter had nothing to do with the racist comment is totaly rude and immature.

**you and your wife have each other, consider yourself blessed...take my word for it, anything else could be considered 'icing on the cake'-- I wish I had as much...dont try to embroil yourself in teh why's of her behavior, or try to change her mind. her poor son will one day be able to make up his own mind of a relationship with you..he will probably be able to see as he gets older what the deal is with his mom. Again, consider yourself blessed and consider anything else as icing on the cake. FOcus on your marriae with your wife, its graet she is doing better...dont let this sister in laws issues cause more pain than it alreayd has...some things/situations you realy cant do much about..this is one you should let it go. The minor son has little say at this point, and she is obviously imbalanced or has some type of major mental or personality imbalance to act like this. Even if she agreed to let him back in your life, he would become like a yo-yo, taken away whenever she is slighted


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