# Didn't take the bait this time!



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

So earlier this evening after my wife and I get back home I go and take out the trash and forget to close the back door, which in return allows one of our cats to get out for about 10 seconds and also lets in a harmless moth. Well my wife being the dramatic person that she is GOES OFF on me about it and starts shouting and swearing at me, and normally I would then return fire with a few insults and get even louder......but not tonight.

Instead I took a deeeep breath and calmly went into the bedroom and slowly closed the door and locked it(while she was still screaming at me), and I simply put on the hockey game and relaxed on the bed for about 15 minutes to let her calm her azz down. And it seemed to work because she was a lot calmer when I came out and then never said another word about the door all night.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

So you are the winner do you think?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you ever considered saying calmly... "Im sorry hunny I forhot... My mind was on something else..."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Yep, because about a month ago I read an article on Yahoo that was dedicated to married couples "not taking the bait"; and my wife is someone who likes to argue sometimes and will put out bait that I keep falling for. But tonight I decided I was NOT going to let myself do that and tried a different approach, and we will see how long this works because other times I did it she just pounded on the door or waited until I came back out to _resume_ the fight.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Then saying... "I dont appreciate being yelled at. You could speak your mind in a more civil manner."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Have you ever considered saying calmly... "Im sorry hunny I forhot... My mind was on something else..."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First words that came out Gaia but they were drowned out by the sounds of her yelling like she always does.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hmm have you told her you will talk to her when she is ready to discuss things like a mature adult instead of screaming like a teenage banchee?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Hmm have you told her you will talk to her when she is ready to discuss things like a mature adult instead of screaming like a teenage banchee?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like that's kind of what he did in terms she would grasp.  Walked away instead of trying to talk over her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Hmm have you told her you will talk to her when she is ready to discuss things like a mature adult instead of screaming like a teenage banchee?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Normally what happens is that she gets all hot tempered and fired up which in return gets my blood boiling too, and then it ends up being two people yelling obscentities at each other loudly with no points getting across. But I am going to do my best from now on to try and not join in and play her little games and........."take the bait".


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol true but sometimes ... In case of her continueing to pound on the door... The words need to be said to clarify things. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I guess if she continues to pound on the door.... Turn up the volume? I hope this new approach works out for you cee paul...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You seem to be handling things a little better these days. But I'd say try to stop viewing it as a contest...you against her. Try to start thinking in terms of how you can help her be happier and how you can work together to be happy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Gaia said:


> I guess if she continues to pound on the door.... Turn up the volume? I hope this new approach works out for you cee paul...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Grab headphones


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This sounds like more than bait for a fight. Does your wife have a personality disorder?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Great. What taking the bait is essentially rewarding unacceptable behaviour with attention.

You seem to be well on your to become "The Captain" in your marriage. Good for you!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Drover said:


> You seem to be handling things a little better these days. But I'd say try to stop viewing it as a contest...you against her. Try to start thinking in terms of how you can help her be happier and how you can work together to be happy.


I don't think any human alive could make this woman truely happy, and I'm not going to kill myself trying only to come up short every time. I will do the best that I can and if that is not good enough then ohhhhhh well - life goes on.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jd08 said:


> This sounds like more than bait for a fight. Does your wife have a personality disorder?


Yeah - it's called having a hot temper and being a spoiled brat.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Totally out of line over a moth. How does she respond when actual bad things happen?



Cee Paul said:


> Yeah - it's called having a hot temper and being a spoiled brat.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cee Paul said:


> Normally what happens is that she gets all hot tempered and fired up which in return gets my blood boiling too, and then it ends up being two people yelling obscentities at each other loudly with no points getting across. But I am going to do my best from now on to try and not join in and play her little games and........."take the bait".


This will just make her look bad...hopefully ...in due time ....it will dawn on her what an "out of control" woman she has become. I would think when someone is the only one raging -over seemingly little things.... this would smack them in the face. 

Before you were giving her the bait so she had reason to be defensive... by taking this away.. it's a new dynamic for her.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Wow.

Really don't get where all these snarky comments to your thread are coming from.

The BEST thing you can do when someone starts arguing with you and losing control...is to refuse to sink to their level

For me, the approach is like this: there's a way people are allowed to talk to you (and that's speaking in way that demonstrates respect for you as a human being, husband, sister, wife,friend etc)...

and if they become loud, angry, nasty (i.e. DISRESPECTFUL)...instead of replying to them in kind...you just suddenly act like they're speaking in Latin...you SIMPLY CAN'T understand the words coming out of their mouth...and because you "can't comprehend" you don't argue or acknowledge...you just walk away.

You did this. GOOD!!

I don't know what alternative some of the other posters would have you employ.

If it's calmly talking to her while she's screaming at you...asking why she's upset...I gotta say, I don't think that would be effective at all....not the least of which is because once you *begin* to engage...your ability to stay cool and collected rapidly diminishes.

Someone mentioned that you possibly 'score keep' in your marriage...I don't know your story off hand...but that seems like a valid insight...cause it's true...you want to be careful about not doing that...


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

First of all, I think it's wonderful that you decided to take a more positive reaction to her actions and calmly walk away. It is HARD to control the knee-jerk reaction to anger, and to be angry right back. So bravo!

I just wanted to comment on a few comments you made just in case it may be helpful to you. For one "Being the dramatic person she is" and "not taking the bait she's laid out" are both insinuative that she is both A) acting TOO much one way; and B) saying that she's doing something on purpose (or laying bait for you on purpose). Both comments say that you feel she is not just doing something wrong, but BEING someone wrong, and while your opinions are your own and valid, they're unhealthy ways to think about your wife.

To me, it sounds like your wife has issues with you outside of the door being left open, or any other piddly issue. When people build up resentment, those intense feelings often comes out in dumb ways, as those resentful feelings are then channeled to the issue at hand, and seem WAY more intense a reaction than you feel the situation warrants. If this is true to your wife, then you cannot ignore her feelings, walk away from them, or expect her to get rid of them. They NEED to be taken care of otherwise this cycle will keep happening to both of you. 

I'm not saying your wife should be handling her emotions the way she is (the yelling/screaming/cussing). That is an inappropriate way to handle her feelings. BUT the feelings causing these scenes can be taken care of easily, and make things much better for both of you if you help give her an avenue in which her feelings can be heard (and gotten rid of)

I would suggest next time your wife "lays the bait" that you calmly let her get her feelings out. Women NEED men to listen (not just listen but actively listen *without* their viewpoints in place). If she has deeper feelings needing to get out, then the longer you let her vent, and the more open you seem to them, the more apt the feelings are to come out. And for a woman (and men actually) pent up feelings are like poison that is only leeched out by talking about it. Once the poison is out, the person can be back to normal. You'll most likely be surprised that she does NOT require you to apologize or do anything, she just needs you to listen, care and understand her.

You would be giving your wife a much needed gift by doing this for her, and you will have a much better relationship. Just remember to NOT interrupt, never argue what she says. Just let her get it all out. If she cusses and verbally abuses you, calmly let her know that you want to hear her feelings on everything, but you cannot tolerate the disrespectful tone and words she's using. Try very hard to be as calm as you can through the whole thing. And a word of warning: She will most likely appear to be getting WORSE as she's venting (sound angrier, crying) but this is a GREAT sign. It means you're doing a good job and the feelings are finally leaving her.

Sorry that was long, but seriously, give it a try. I guarantee your wife will be more loving and treat you better after this, and the next time the door is left open, she will no longer be laying bait


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> First of all, I think it's wonderful that you decided to take a more positive reaction to her actions and calmly walk away. It is HARD to control the knee-jerk reaction to anger, and to be angry right back. So bravo!
> 
> I just wanted to comment on a few comments you made just in case it may be helpful to you. For one "Being the dramatic person she is" and "not taking the bait she's laid out" are both insinuative that she is both A) acting TOO much one way; and B) saying that she's doing something on purpose (or laying bait for you on purpose). Both comments say that you feel she is not just doing something wrong, but BEING someone wrong, and while your opinions are your own and valid, they're unhealthy ways to think about your wife.
> 
> ...


Without a doubt there is a ton of resentment built up by both of us from all the nasty arguements we've had over the past 3 years or so, and there have been a lot of hurtful things said and low blows taking place back and forth. And I think we may have gotten to the point where too many wounds have been opened and re-opened without giving them time to heal in between, which is very hard to recover from and it's only gotten worse and worse.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> I would suggest next time your wife "lays the bait" that you calmly let her get her feelings out. Women NEED men to listen (not just listen but actively listen *without* their viewpoints in place). If she has deeper feelings needing to get out, then the longer you let her vent, and the more open you seem to them, the more apt the feelings are to come out. And for a woman (and men actually) pent up feelings are like poison that is only leeched out by talking about it. Once the poison is out, the person can be back to normal. You'll most likely be surprised that she does NOT require you to apologize or do anything, she just needs you to listen, care and understand her.


I really, really disagree with this *in this situation*. I think he him stepping away when she is yelling and flying off the handle is the proper way. If she talks to him in a respectful manner, then he most certainly should listen to her and let her get it out. But he absolutely should not listen when she is acting that way.

Both of them need to retrain themselves on how they treat each other and how they allow themselves to be treated. It seems to me like this was a step in that direction.

Cee Paul - I would suggest a calm statement to your wife noting that you will be happy to discuss these issues in the future if she can be respectful. Be clear over why you walked away, and that you will do it again in the future if needed.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

My Mum and your wife have a lot in common. I used to try and walk away as a teenager but all she did was remove every lock in the house. Perhaps you should hide the screwdrivers before your wife thinks of it too.

You're a strong person to take that sort of random verbal abuse, I know I couldn't do it.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> My Mum and your wife have a lot in common. I used to try and walk away as a teenager but all she did was remove every lock in the house. Perhaps you should hide the screwdrivers before your wife thinks of it too.
> 
> You're a strong person to take that sort of random verbal abuse, I know I couldn't do it.


We didn't start off this way the first few years and we _were_ deeply in love with each other back then, but things really really changed and somewhere along the line we both lost all respect for one another as things got uglier. I guess we've both hung in there thinking that at some point we will return back to what we once had, but so far the journey back there is proving to be verrrrrry difficult and somehow we've lost our compass - map - and flashlight along the way.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> We didn't start off this way the first few years and we _were_ deeply in love with each other back then, but things really really changed and somewhere along the line we both lost all respect for one another as things got uglier. I guess we've both hung in there thinking that at some point we will return back to what we once had, but so far the journey back there is proving to be verrrrrry difficult and somehow we've lost our compass - map - and flashlight along the way.


I think when respect is lost, finding it back is a major challenge. What did you once admire about each other?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I hate to admit this but I used to be a lot like your wife when I was married 15 years ago. I was immature and unhappy and I just needed to find fault in EVERYTHING he did to make him just as unhappy as I was. I'd yell and cry over things such as him leaving something on the ground I could have (but didn't) trip over. Or him not rinsing out the sink after brushing his teeth. He always took the bait. I thrived off the drama it stirred up. It was ridiculous of me! One day he didn't take the bait and he did exactly what you did. He didn't leave the house (good for him!) but he did isolate himself in a room which gave me time to think about what I started a fight over. Basically he put me in a "time out". I saw the error of my ways eventually but it was too little too late. We eventually divorced. But you better believe that I learned one very valuable lesson which was --- 

Pick your battles!


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Sounds like you did good. 

Options:
1. Just keeping iterating that she needs to calm down and speak like adults or leave like you did.

2. If she is ticklish, issue a "tickle attack".

3. If you have kids (don't remember) have them help you with a "hug attack" or "tickle attack".

4. Bend her over your knee and spank her. My favorite.

5. Back her up against the wall and kiss her saying "You yelling at me makes my horny!"


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I really, really disagree with this *in this situation*. I think he him stepping away when she is yelling and flying off the handle is the proper way. If she talks to him in a respectful manner, then he most certainly should listen to her and let her get it out. But he absolutely should not listen when she is acting that way.
> 
> Both of them need to retrain themselves on how they treat each other and how they allow themselves to be treated. It seems to me like this was a step in that direction.
> 
> Cee Paul - I would suggest a calm statement to your wife noting that you will be happy to discuss these issues in the future if she can be respectful. Be clear over why you walked away, and that you will do it again in the future if needed.


I agree with you too, sorry if I didn't make myself clear in my post ( I get rambly), but I did say somewhere in there that if she starts with the verbal abuse to give her warning "I want to hear what you have to say, but I cannot listen when you speak to me this way. I will have to leave if you talk to me that way again" (or something like that) and if she does it again, walk away. Verbal abuse should not be tolerated at all!


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Without a doubt there is a ton of resentment built up by both of us from all the nasty arguements we've had over the past 3 years or so, and there have been a lot of hurtful things said and low blows taking place back and forth. And I think we may have gotten to the point where too many wounds have been opened and re-opened without giving them time to heal in between, which is very hard to recover from and it's only gotten worse and worse.


I completely understand, I've started down that road myself. It's a hard cycle to break but I feel it can be done by giving each other speaking time to air all your feelings, and the other person caring about the pain caused. The focus should be about how things made you FEEL instead of what was actually done, as it A)goes straight to the core of the resentments (the hurt/ emotional pain); and B) gets people away from a tit for tat/who was right or wrong type of argument (which does no one any good). Validating her pain does not include admitting to wrong-doing, or changing your own opinions on the matter. You are only caring about the pain she felt. 

All it takes is that first step in the right direction from one of you. You seem much more in the mind to do so if you're able to walk away from a heated situation. Yes, you may have to swallow your pride and let her be the first to air her feelings to you, and it may not be fair that she gets to go first, but who really cares if you have a chance to get your marriage back on track?

Anyway, again I really think you're great for reacting so well to that situation, and I really hope everything goes well for you!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

MrHappy said:


> 2. If she is ticklish, issue a "tickle attack"."


I wouldn't do this when she is angry. She may lash out in physical ways.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I agree about the tickle attack and to steer clear of that. I would probably go off the deep end! LOL 

But it's a fine line because if you try and tickle her, or passionately kiss her or show any other type of "positive" response to her negative behavior you run the risk of her getting even madder because to her it will seem as if you are diminishing or dismissing what she is upset over. Even IF it is completely unreasonable to you it may not be unreasonable to her while she is in the moment. Or it can completely backfire because if she is rewarded with positive attention to her negative crap she'll just keep doing it over and over and over again. 

In theory I understand what Mr. Happy is saying --- that by doing these things it will neutralize the situation -- but there are too many risks associated to it. I guess you could always try but I'd be cautious!


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I agree about the tickle attack and to steer clear of that. I would probably go off the deep end! LOL


Then THAT would be the exact one I would use. Then when you calmed down I would tell you that we could THEN discuss the problem without the yelling. It also keeps it from becoming a reward. You can use the different options depending on the severity. What he is trying to do is become the "initiator" and not her.

I had a mild one this weekend. Went to spank her and she yelled for my son to help. So I was trying to bend her over my knee with my son hanging on to my neck while not trying to crush my laptop in the chair behind. We all were laughing and "tickle attacked" my son after. She totally forgot the problem.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

MrHappy said:


> Sounds like you did good.
> 
> Options:
> 1. Just keeping iterating that she needs to calm down and speak like adults or leave like you did.
> ...


Ummmmm 2 through 5 would ALL fail miserably and would probably even get my face slapped, and no we don't have any kids.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think when respect is lost, finding it back is a major challenge. What did you once admire about each other?


We loved the fact that we both had good sense of humors and enjoyed intelligent conversations with each other about life in general, but now all we seem to do is argue and point out each other's flaws.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> We loved the fact that we both had good sense of humors and enjoyed intelligent conversations with each other about life in general, but now all we seem to do is argue and point out each other's flaws.


Have you tried initiating one of thsoe conversations? You know her, so when you see an article where you both have similar views, ask her thoughts about it. Nothing big, just a chance to practice a normal type of conversation that you used to have in the past.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Have you tried initiating one of thsoe conversations? You know her, so when you see an article where you both have similar views, ask her thoughts about it. Nothing big, just a chance to practice a normal type of conversation that you used to have in the past.


All the freakin time; but most of the time all she wants to talk about is how stressful her job is - what work needs to be done around the house - and about the health of our sick cat. And if I try and change the subject to something else, she either quickly changes it back or accuses me of not caring about all the things that are truely important in life that matter.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> All the freakin time; but most of the time all she wants to talk about is how stressful her job is - what work needs to be done around the house - and about the health of our sick cat. And if I try and change the subject to something else, she either quickly changes it back or accuses me of not caring about all the things that are truely important in life that matter.


Would she be open to dinner with a no "home/job" conversation agreement? My wife and I try that on our date nights - no discussions about the kids, home or work. It can be tough, but it helps us get out of our roles and abck to being two people.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Would she be open to dinner with a no "home/job" conversation agreement? My wife and I try that on our date nights - no discussions about the kids, home or work. It can be tough, but it helps us get out of our roles and abck to being two people.


There are times when I do tell her that I don't wanna hear about any of those things for a few hours; like when we are at dinner, the beach, going to see a movie, or out & about on vacation somewhere.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> All the freakin time; but most of the time all she wants to talk about is how stressful her job is - what work needs to be done around the house - and about the health of our sick cat. And if I try and change the subject to something else, she either quickly changes it back or accuses me of not caring about all the things that are truely important in life that matter.


How do you think your wife feels when you try to change the subject away from something that she has strong feelings for? I would be so hurt if my husband did that! I know those things are not as interesting/important to YOU but they obviously mean a lot to her to share her feelings with you.

I guarantee if you validated her properly on things like this you'd be surprised at the effect on her (and it's benefits for you). I can give you links to validation techniques if you want to try it out.

Just try to believe one fact: When women give you their feelings about something (be it about work, the cat, etc) they are giving you a GIFT in their eyes. And how would you feel if you gave a gift and the recipient didn't acknowledge it? Very hurt, and over time they'll stop giving you "gifts" and start to either pull away or get reaally feisty and resentful (like in your situation).


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> How do you think your wife feels when you try to change the subject away from something that she has strong feelings for? I would be so hurt if my husband did that! I know those things are not as interesting/important to YOU but they obviously mean a lot to her to share her feelings with you.
> 
> I guarantee if you validated her properly on things like this you'd be surprised at the effect on her (and it's benefits for you). I can give you links to validation techniques if you want to try it out.
> 
> Just try to believe one fact: When women give you their feelings about something (be it about work, the cat, etc) they are giving you a GIFT in their eyes. And how would you feel if you gave a gift and the recipient didn't acknowledge it? Very hurt, and over time they'll stop giving you "gifts" and start to either pull away or get reaally feisty and resentful (like in your situation).


I am a little confused. When my wife complains about her feelings that I am not doing what she wants, she thinks that is a gift, and I should accept it or it is insulting? Not sure that makes sense.

Your points may be on target, though I am curious why she has no responsibility in all this. Is he ever allowed to discuss something he wants? Nevertheless, allowing her sometime to vent may be beneficial, provide she does so in a respectful way.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am a little confused. When my wife complains about her feelings that I am not doing what she wants, she thinks that is a gift, and I should accept it or it is insulting? Not sure that makes sense.
> 
> Your points may be on target, though I am curious why she has no responsibility in all this. Is he ever allowed to discuss something he wants? Nevertheless, allowing her sometime to vent may be beneficial, provide she does so in a respectful way.


Sure I don't mind elaborating! I'm not the best at explaining but I'll try!



> "When my wife complains about her feelings that I am not doing what she wants, she thinks that is a gift, and I should accept it or it is insulting? "


I can understand how strange my gift analogy may seem, so I'll try to describe what I meant 

To most women, our feelings are very precious. When we open up and give them to someone else, that's a big deal. That means we're comfortable enough entrusting you to handle those feelings with care. Because our feelings are so important to us, in our eyes, giving them to you is almost like giving you a precious gift, and we hope you'll treat it well! (but please don't take this all too literally, we're not prancing around thinking "I'm off to give my husband my gift of feelings!" This is all to illustrate how important feelings are to us as women)

And yes, even the feelings where we're complaining about the husband are (in that roundabout way) giving a gift  Most men understandably hear criticism, but in most cases she's not trying to criticize or insult at all. She feels hurt (or slighted, or uncared for, etc) about something and, trusting you, she opens up and shares those feelings with you.* When she complains she's most likely NOT trying to get her way, she really wants you to CARE about how the situation has effected her, and the feelings it caused.* In other words, she's looking for Validation.

(In case it's helpful here's a dictionary term of Validation: to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of <validate her concerns>)

And this is where there's always a large misconception by a lot of men. Giving her validation *DOES NOT mean giving in, saying who is wrong or right, changing your own viewpoints, or doing things her way.* You are not compromising your standpoints in the slightest. You are just showing that you care about her hurt, and understand why she feels that way.

QUICK EXAMPLE SITUATION:

WIFE: "You didn't take out the garbage again! I reminded you five times yesterday! I feel like you don't care about what I say"

Men will most likely hear criticism first and respond thusly, but from her POV she is not trying to criticize you. If you stop and zero in on when she says _"I feel like you don't care about what I say"_ THAT is what she is wanting you to care about and validate. Not so much everything else. Likely you DO care she is hurting, right? So to go on to validate her, you can say:

HUSBAND: I understand how that could make you feel uncared for. I really do care about the things you say.

That is just one type of phrase used to validate someone. I could say much for about validation, techniques you can use, but this post is long enough already! 



> Your points may be on target, though I am curious why she has no responsibility in all this. Is he ever allowed to discuss something he wants? Nevertheless, allowing her sometime to vent may be beneficial, provide she does so in a respectful way.


Oh she has responsibility from her side too! Same as men, Women need to better learn what our husbands distinct male needs are in marriage, and how to better communicate with them. There's techniques for women to change how she approaches situations with men (i.e. so she doesn't come off as critical especially, a big problem for most couples) I am trying hard to employ that for my husband, as truly I don't want him to feel criticized all the time. It's frakkin' hard!  

But nobody says things right all of the time. So it's nice when a husband learns how to recognize what a woman is REALLY saying when she talks and validate for those times she fails to say things correctly (and vice versa for women) Kind of having each other's back communication-wise. 

And yes, allowing her to vent is an extremely powerful gift you can give her. Women get rid of stress by talking it out! That's why a lot of women will vent to girlfriends. Females naturally validate each other. And women communicating in a large group is like a well-oiled listening/validation/supportive machine! When YOU (the husband) provide her the opening to vent, you are winning her trust and respect in a BIG way! 

Anyway, I could go on and on. Hope I made sense through most of that!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> How do you think your wife feels when you try to change the subject away from something that she has strong feelings for? I would be so hurt if my husband did that! I know those things are not as interesting/important to YOU but they obviously mean a lot to her to share her feelings with you.
> 
> I guarantee if you validated her properly on things like this you'd be surprised at the effect on her (and it's benefits for you). I can give you links to validation techniques if you want to try it out.
> 
> Just try to believe one fact: When women give you their feelings about something (be it about work, the cat, etc) they are giving you a GIFT in their eyes. And how would you feel if you gave a gift and the recipient didn't acknowledge it? Very hurt, and over time they'll stop giving you "gifts" and start to either pull away or get reaally feisty and resentful (like in your situation).


I guess it would help if you knew the whole story because I do listen to her on those topics and discuss those things with her-----------> all the damn time; but there comes a point where you have to relax, lighten up a little, be silly, and have some good laughs like we used to.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I guess it would help if you knew the whole story because I do listen to her on those topics and discuss those things with her-----------> all the damn time; but there comes a point where you have to relax, lighten up a little, be silly, and have some good laughs like we used to.


 You are right, it would help to know the whole story, I am sorry if I am way off base at all!

The reason I mentioned validation was because you mentioned you tried to change the conversation when she comes to you with her feelings on things (like work, the cat, etc). Then you said she just goes right back to those topics, and thinks you don't care. That's indicative that she needs validation.

While you may be listening to her in YOUR way, you may not be listening in the way she needs you to. Being open to learning each other's communicative needs can be greatly beneficial for both of you, if you're open to it. This type of issue is a common difficulty in marriages.

But of course I understand wanting to have a lighthearted conversation with her again, without pressure. I am sure you will find that with her again!  Have you told her your _feelings_ on your want to have a lighthearted conversation with her?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> Anyway, I could go on and on. Hope I made sense through most of that!


Thank you for that explanation. I certainly understand better what you meant and your approach. I do think there is much to be learned from consdiering this in a relationship. I will say that I am somewhat wary of it in view of that fact that women, on average, are much bette "emotional fighters" than men. Taking this approach has the real risk of putting a man on the defensive through out and taking the blame for missing an eve moving target. 

Does not mean he should not consider and try to impliment these ideas, only that he needs to hold her accountable as well.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Mrs. NotSureWhatToDo said:


> You are right, it would help to know the whole story, I am sorry if I am way off base at all!
> 
> The reason I mentioned validation was because you mentioned you tried to change the conversation when she comes to you with her feelings on things (like work, the cat, etc). Then you said she just goes right back to those topics, and thinks you don't care. That's indicative that she needs validation.
> 
> ...


We have been trying to save this marriage for almost 2 years now so we've talked about everything and anything; but one of my wife's biggest issues with communicating is that she goes into what I like to call "boss mode", and she somehow thinks that I am under her like one of her employees at work that she supervises daily. Yes she makes more than twice what I make and has a big title.............at work, but at home she needs to leave that attitude on her desk because the only person that I will put up with that from is my actual boss who controls my paycheck.

When I point out that she is being way too bossy she denies it everytime, and says that if I did what she needed done she wouldn't have to act that way which totally validates my point.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Cee Paul said:


> We have been trying to save this marriage for almost 2 years now so we've talked about everything and anything; but one of my wife's biggest issues with communicating is that she goes into what I like to call "boss mode", and she somehow thinks that I am under her like one of her employees at work that she supervises daily. Yes she makes more than twice what I make and has a big title.............at work, but at home she needs to leave that attitude on her desk because the only person that I will put up with that from is my actual boss who controls my paycheck.
> 
> When I point out that she is being way too bossy she denies it everytime, and says that if I did what she needed done she wouldn't have to act that way which totally validates my point.


Because she is the leader in your marriage. The only way to fix it is to take control back, set up boundaries, and then call her on them. You can still let her vent about stuff at the appropriate time (i let my wife do that all the time about her job) but you need to let her "self sooth" and not try to fix anything except valid things of yourself. She will push back if you try this, so make sure that you call her on it as soon as a boundary is crossed. No arguments.. Just tell her the boundary she crossed and then STFU.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> We have been trying to save this marriage for almost 2 years now so we've talked about everything and anything; but one of my wife's biggest issues with communicating is that she goes into what I like to call "boss mode", and she somehow thinks that I am under her like one of her employees at work that she supervises daily. Yes she makes more than twice what I make and has a big title.............at work, but at home she needs to leave that attitude on her desk because the only person that I will put up with that from is my actual boss who controls my paycheck.
> 
> When I point out that she is being way too bossy she denies it everytime, and says that if I did what she needed done she wouldn't have to act that way which totally validates my point.


You are completely correct, she DOES need to cut out the bossy talk, that would seriously make anyone not want to listen to her. 

I would ask you to be open to something though. I don't know your wife personally so I could be wrong, but a LOT of women SOUND bossy (pushy, critical, etc) when they've reached the end of their rope trying to communicate in _their_ way (using female methods) and it doesn't work, we start sounding more direct. Men often take this as we're trying to _control_ them. But to a woman, we're not trying to control anyone, we're just desperate to be heard. 

So she may well have tried to reach you in her own way early on, but now that it hasn't worked for so long, your wife has dissolved into a person who sounds bossy all the time, but who is still desperately trying to be heard by you. Should she cut it out? SURE! But your first goal as a loving husband should be to temporarily push aside resentments and take care of whatever her _emotional needs_ are FIRST (validation, not saying she's right). Why should you do that for her when she's done xyz to you and your feel xyz about it? Because underneath the poisonous resentment you love her and she NEEDS you to take care of her emotional needs. She's practically begging for it (albiet in a bossy sounding way ;p ). Do your feelings matter? OF COURSE! And she'll hear them once you've shown her that want to take care of her emotional needs. Don't get stuck in a silly tit for tat, I-won't-make-the-first-move-because-she-won't rut. You have the power to move your marriage in the right direction. Then you can both have a calm, heart to heart about your needs and research communicational needs.

You can try breaking through her bossy tone initially by saying something like "Honey, I'm having trouble listening because I'm feeling talked down to. Can you please lower your tone so I can listen to your needs better?" And be sure to sound as loving as possible when you say it. Both of your defenses are WAY UP from constant fighting, it's going to take once of you to go in with defenses down to reach the loving spot in your marriage again.

Please try it!  And remember in this case NO ONE is wrong. You just need to learn each other's communicative styles, that's all!


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> So earlier this evening after my wife and I get back home I go and take out the trash and forget to close the back door, which in return allows one of our cats to get out for about 10 seconds and also lets in a harmless moth. Well my wife being the dramatic person that she is GOES OFF on me about it and starts shouting and swearing at me, and normally I would then return fire with a few insults and get even louder......but not tonight.
> 
> Instead I took a deeeep breath and calmly went into the bedroom and slowly closed the door and locked it(while she was still screaming at me), and I simply put on the hockey game and relaxed on the bed for about 15 minutes to let her calm her azz down. And it seemed to work because she was a lot calmer when I came out and then never said another word about the door all night.


Who won the hockey game? Just asking.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> You are completely correct, she DOES need to cut out the bossy talk, that would seriously make anyone not want to listen to her.
> 
> I would ask you to be open to something though. I don't know your wife personally so I could be wrong, but a LOT of women SOUND bossy (pushy, critical, etc) when they've reached the end of their rope trying to communicate in _their_ way (using female methods) and it doesn't work, we start sounding more direct. Men often take this as we're trying to _control_ them. But to a woman, we're not trying to control anyone, we're just desperate to be heard.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the advice but all I can say is that she IS naturally bossy, because her mother even said so that when she was younger she tried to boss her around too in her own house and had to get put in her place many times. And trust me we have already thrown most of our cards on the table about what we both do that bothers each other, and we've said it both nicely and also rudely back and forth the past few years.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

MrHappy said:


> Because she is the leader in your marriage. The only way to fix it is to take control back, set up boundaries, and then call her on them. You can still let her vent about stuff at the appropriate time (i let my wife do that all the time about her job) but you need to let her "self sooth" and not try to fix anything except valid things of yourself. She will push back if you try this, so make sure that you call her on it as soon as a boundary is crossed. No arguments.. Just tell her the boundary she crossed and then STFU.


There's no "let" involved because she is gonna do and say whatever the hell she wants to, and I too speak my mind and most of the time it's very loudly.


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