# My wife cheated on my I have no idea what to do. Is divorce always the answer?



## wazthedeal (Apr 23, 2015)

My best friend, my wife, has just opened up to me and admitted that she has been cheating on me. I'm so mixed with emotion and have no idea what to do. We don't have any children and have been married for 2 years. We've been together in total of 5 and a half years.
A few months after we got married we had began to fight a lot. It really took a toll on our relationship. We slowly started putting the pieces together and started getting a long. Over time I did notice that she was acting weird. She was always talking about a coworker of hers all of the time. She's 25 and he's 50. I felt like she had this emotional thing with him and she was always going to bars to talk about work with him. I was able to track her and see that she was actually at the bar. It began to bother me because all they did was text.
Being a tech, I hacked into her phone and recovered all deleted messages and saw that they were flirting a lot. Nothing sexual, but flirting. I didn't tell her that I knew and I brought up to her that I felt that she was being inappropriate in the relationship she had with this coworker. Texting too much, hiding her phone all of the time, being secretive. I finally told her that I got into her phone and know everything. She broke down and cried and was like I feel like our connection hasn't been good lately. I miss the dating stages where there was mystery about you and I didn't always know where you were. That talking to him and getting to know him filled that void. I asked if they ever had sex and she said no that it was an emotional thing.
This still angered me. but I was glad she didn't get physical. She said that she would stop talking to him but that it would be hard to cut complete contact because he is her direct coworker. We needed money so there was nothing I could do about it.
A few days ago she came home crying and I was like whats wrong. She's like I can't take keeping this secret anymore. I was unfaithful to you. I was like what do you men? She said she cheated on me with that coworker and that they had sex numerous times.
I went crazy on her cussing her out. Yelling and I stormed out of the house and drove off because I didn't know if I was going to do something stupid where I would end up in jail.
I have been staying with a friend since then. I told her to stay at the house and take care of the dog so I could have some space. I contacted her today and said I have a list of things that I need to ask her before I decide what to do next. She told me at this point she would answer anything that I want. That she would be 100% honest with any question that I have. She also told me that she went to her mother and told her what she had done.
I can tell how remorseful she is. How much she truly regrets it and she acknowledges how badly she has hurt and betrayed me.
I do have a few questions. I never in a million years expected her to do this. We were best friends and had the best relationship through most of our time knowing each other.
I know I need time and am not sure how much time is too much or too little. She said she would talk to someone with me to help figure things out.
Is divorce the only solution to this? I know how good of a person she use to be and know that she regrets this. If I find it in my heart to eventually forgive, then is it a good idea to try and make the marriage work? Would it be a waste of time trying to fix it if thats the route i choose? I haven't been to work the past few days and my mind is driving me crazy. I need any advice possible.
Thanks you!


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Wazthedeal, sorry you find yourself here.

Understand you don't have to make any solid decision right now. But do get back in your own home as soon as you can (possible legal reasons). True she is the good person you used to know. But she is also the lied to you repeatedly and betrayed you and your marriage.

In your situation:
*Good news
*1. She confessed. Some cheaters don't even when the evidence is placed in front of them.
2. She wants to go to counselling. Do this with a marriage counsellor that has experience with infidelity, if that is the route you choose.

*Bad News
*1. When you started to fight a lot is *just months* into your marriage is when this started. And she slept with him numerous times the whole way through you marriage
2. She was chasing the "new relationship feeling". She may want to do that again. And again. And again. A marriage/long term relationship won't give you that. It becomes something better but some people just don't get it.
3. Who she cheated with. Every man knows why a man in his 50's would pursue a 25 year old newly wed. Why she cheated with someone old enough to be her dad is for an Individual Counsellor to figure out with her.

See, she cheated because she wanted to. She gave herself permission. Her cheating had nothing o do with you. Sure you weren't the 'perfect' husband 24/7, but no one is. Your marriage might be repaired and even improved, but your wife will always be a someone that cheated and you will never be able to trust her fully again. It's a long hard road. The issue is that her problems might not be fixed. Ever. It would take many long hours with professional to find out. If that's the road you take.

Finally, she's not your "best friend". Best friend don't back stab you and deliberately hurt you. That woman, is gone.

Next thing read through this. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Keep posting it'll help you. Sadly many, many people have been in your shoes.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

probably a good bit of your not getting along with your wife, was brought on by her leaning emotionally and physically toward her lover-----she put you down so that she could justify being with him

If you do wish to get out, you have no kids, now is the time-----------this will not go away, so you have to decide if you can/want to spend the rest of your life with a wife who trashed her sacred vows, and used another man to satisfy herself instead of spending time discussing marital problems and how to fix them, with you

If you stay, pick your level of misery, and see how it all works out---but do remember one thing, the woman you married and took vows with----SHE DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE---she has been replaced by this person, who now gives herself to other men, if they say the right thing

If you do stay in this mge----you are gonna have to put in some strict boundaries----no more nights out, especially to bars and pick up joints, you get complete access to all her electronics-----lack of money or not----she HAS to leave this job-----she cannot be there, 8 hours every weekday, with him there with her, your R will have no chance----also MAKE HER SIGN A post--nup------

Good luck whichever way you go----just remember you come 1st


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Married 2 yrs she cheats, its early to be having to fix your marriage.
But yes it can be done if you both want to enough.

She quits the job. 
Goes N/C
Gives you a full time line of the affair.
Total honesty.
No trickle truth.
Counciling for both of you.

A load of other stuff that guys on here will tell you (you came to the right place).

Or one of you may feel itsjust too far gone, or your too hurt to try again with her.
*DO NOT HAVE KIDS DO NOT HAVE KIDS*


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Married 2 yrs she cheats, its early to be having to fix your marriage.
But yes it can be done if you both want to enough.

She quits the job. 
Goes N/C
Gives you a full time line of the affair.
Total honesty.
No trickle truth.
Counciling for both of you.

A load of other stuff that guys on here will tell you (you came to the right place).

Or one of you may feel itsjust too far gone, or your too hurt to try again with her.
*DO NOT HAVE KIDS DO NOT HAVE KIDS*


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

The only caution I would give is this. 

I have seen numerous husbands come here and say "My wife cheated early on in our marriage, I forgave her, maybe rugsweop the affair, Fast forward to today (10 years later) and we have 2 kids and I just discovered that she is having an emotional possible physical affair with (neighbor, co-worker, yoga instructor, contractor at our house, pool boy, my brother etc). She is very defensive and is lying to my face, I dont even recognize her anymore, I cant imaging staying with her but the thought of only seeing my kids 50% of the time is killing me."

This is the doubt she has introduced into your future and her marriage.

I certainly dont know if this is a "one off" learn from your mistake life lesson, you are both very young but its a pretty crappy way of dealing with the most important relationship in your life and it does not speak well of her.


You said "I never in a million years expected her to do this" so you obviously were unable to identify the red flags in what makes her tick.

You are in a better position now. I think your answer lies there, what makes her tick? What she did is disturbing on several levels.

1. The short length of your marriage.
2. Her response to a rough patch.
3. Her complete surrender to her need for stimulation/excitement/drama. 
4. The age difference between herself and her affair partner.

My guess is that in spite of how much you loved her a more experienced person could have helped you see that she was not really ready for marriage.

And therein lies your hope if you chose to reconcile. She very well may find the way to manage her own happiness and become an excellent life partner should you be able to move past her infidelity.

I cant answer them for you but I do think these are the two questions you are trying to answer.

And yeah I would be hesitant to have kids with her until I was very sure. Perhaps you should consider a reversible vasectomy, and when the time comes DNA each of your kids at birth. 

A good early warning system is to not disclose the vasectomy, some data indicates that somewhere between 4 and 30% of all paternity is attributed to a putative father who is not the child's biological father.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Also add to the above list of Decorum that she also exposed you to STDs from the other man so she put your health at risk. did they use condoms? You need to find out.

I'm sorry but only two years into the marriage you two should still be in the honeymoon phase. The fact that she's out there seeking emotional and physical attention would be a deal breaker for me


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think the fact that she came to you and confessed out of guilt is a good sign and points to a much better chance of reconciliation.

However, I think you should find out if perhaps she was about to be exposed by someone else, for instance the OM's wife. Does he have a wife/girlfriend? Maybe a chance she found out and was about to tell you? That would kinda change things....


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

wazthedeal said:


> *My best friend, my wife*, has just opened up to me and admitted that she has been cheating on me. I'm so mixed with emotion and have no idea what to do. *We don't have any children and have been married for 2 years. We've been together in total of 5 and a half years.*
> A few months after we got married we had began to fight a lot. It really took a toll on our relationship. We slowly started putting the pieces together and started getting a long. *Over time I did notice that she was acting weird. She was always talking about a coworker of hers all of the time. She's 25 and he's 50. I felt like she had this emotional thing with him and she was always going to bars to talk about work with him. I was able to track her and see that she was actually at the bar. It began to bother me because all they did was text.*
> Being a tech, I hacked into her phone and recovered all deleted messages and saw that they were flirting a lot. Nothing sexual, but flirting. I didn't tell her that I knew and I brought up to her that I felt that she was being inappropriate in the relationship she had with this coworker. Texting too much, hiding her phone all of the time, being secretive. I finally told her that I got into her phone and know everything. She broke down and cried and was like I feel like our connection hasn't been good lately. I miss the dating stages where there was mystery about you and I didn't always know where you were. That talking to him and getting to know him filled that void. I asked if they ever had sex and she said no that it was an emotional thing.
> This still angered me. but I was glad she didn't get physical. She said that she would stop talking to him but that it would be hard to cut complete contact because he is her direct coworker. We needed money so there was nothing I could do about it.
> ...


The woman that you're married to is not who you think she is. One thing for sure is that she is NOT your best friend. 

She confessed because she was probably getting dumped or POSOM instructed her to because she was getting to clingy to him. 

Knowing that she had sex MANY times with a man old enough to be her father is disturbing. Combined with such a short marriage and no kids I would file. 

You're young and heading toward your prime. If you work on improving yourself over the next few months that the D process takes, you'll be ready for single life in a stronger position than you were before you met WW.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You can try reconciliation. But why put in all that effort and heartache. You have no kids. Married two years. EA with this dude old enough to be her father, you express concern, she lies about it makes you feel paranoid, turns out it was physical- sex multiple times.

You are still very young. Throw her back and find another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

PS. Get back in the house today. She can go stay with her mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Decorum said:


> The only caution I would give is this.
> 
> I have seen numerous husbands come here and say "My wife cheated early on in our marriage, I forgave her, maybe rugsweop the affair, Fast forward to today (10 years later) and we have 2 kids and I just discovered that she is having an emotional possible physical affair with (neighbor, co-worker, yoga instructor, contractor at our house, pool boy, my brother etc). She is very defensive and is lying to my face, I dont even recognize her anymore, I cant imaging staying with her but the thought of only seeing my kids 50% of the time is killing me."


This was me.. 

I am telling you get the fvck out.. 

You're just married and NOW she is missing the mystery of dating ?.. 

*IMAGINE 10 YEARS FROM NOW !*

JUST ABOUT* ALL *THE MYSTERIES WILL BE GONE ! 

Imagine what she will be doing then.. Trust me they get better at this.. She won't tell you the next time around.. 

Yes I do agree she confessed, but that does not mean sh!t in the end.. She wasn't ready to be married, but was probably ashamed to say it.. Imagine if you will, here is a man that wants to be married, which is usually not the norm in society and here is a woman who doesn't again which is not the norm in society.. Society could be her family or whatever that is or can be influencing her. She went along with the flow but now is rebelling. 

Dude your young.. Don't waste your time..


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Assuming that you want to save this marriage, ask yourself if you want to be a "warden" for the rest of it; constantly monitoring for signs of deception, fighting the urge to check her phone, always having it in the back of your mind that if she did this once... she could very well do it again.

If I were in your shoes, that is what would convince me to leave her: I would always have that lingering little doubt in the back of my mind.

P.S. Here's another question: are you both "fair fighters"? Or, when you two have an argument, do you hit below the belt? The next time you have a fight, you'll be also fighting the urge to say: "Well, at least I'm not a cheating, lying skank!" and she may very well say: "I knew I should have left you when I had the chance!"


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since rthere are no kids why are people telling him to get back in the house?

Dude, you need to find out if he's married and tell his wife. You also need to tell his boss. Is he a coworker or her boss. There could be grounds for a lawsuit.

Best friends don't hurt each other. Especially the worst hurt one can inflict short of murder.

I tried to reconcile for two years, you just don't get over the fact the person that loves you so much doesn't really love you all that much.

The number of men cheated on ten, twenty , thirty years after the first time here is astounding. Learn from them.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

One fine point - if she hasn't atleast on her own taken some steps that Doyle suggests then she is regretful not remorseful. A WORLD of difference

The next step is assembling the proof and for you to inform her boyfriend's significant other if there is one. This is just a (very) necessary housekeeping step before the difficult stuff starts.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you? Is the Other Man married?

You are only 2 years married. Your wife is not your best friend. You are without children. Your wife is 25 years old and had a sexual affair with a 50 year old. This is a death sentence to a new marriage. You will always be haunted by her behavior. I predict that this will play all over again. Get out of this marriage while you can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce is not the only answer. But reconciliation is not always easy and you both need to work hard at it. Her more so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Can you live a life with her knowing that she is capable of cheating again?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

tryingpatience said:


> Can you live a life with her knowing that she is capable of cheating again?


Not only the physical act but the constant lies about it

These are all hard questions to answer

First step for me would be 100% exposure. She has to come clean with everyone, friends, family the works.

Second is the truth about why she told you. Was it really guilt or was she about to be exposed. Or did she really want to leave you but the OM finally shot her down which basically makes you plan B. You will have to dig a little cause remember she is already an established liar.

Once you have ALL the information needed then you will be in a better place to make that decision


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer.

You are only 25. She admits having sex numerous times with her lover after being married only 2 years. She had no problem constantly lying to your face about it previously. Do not waste the rest of your life with someone like this.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

No, divorce is not the only answer.
Anyway, with someone who cheats just months into the marriage, and being still kid-free, I would surely assess it as the best answer, IMO.
In a marriage you're going to meet hurdles and bumps in the road a lot of times along the way, but your spouse just showed you she couldn't even make it to the first bend.
That's my sincere opinion, what you will do is, obviously, up to you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jnj express said:


> If you stay, pick your level of misery, and see how it all works out---but do remember one thing, *the woman you married and took vows with----SHE DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE*---she has been replaced by this person, who now gives herself to other men, if they say the right thing


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Waz

It sounds like you are both young.

What would bother me the most is WHY YOUR 25yo WIFE WOULD CHOOSE TO CHEAT!

WHat are her issues? 

That is what you really need to deal with. 

Is your wife that immature that she does not take her vows seriously?

Does your wife have such low self esteem that this 50yo dude got in her pants in a matter of weeks???

You do not have to be in any rush to make a decision.

And it is good that she felt guilty, told you the truth and is remorseful.

Keep posting.

HM


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Two aspects are important here for you. One is the relationship, the other is the legal.

Infidelity is a factor in divorce in some states. Her affair could affect your divorce settlement. Probably there isn't a lot of money involved, but maybe there is. Alimony might be involved, especially if one of you worked while the other was in school. If you have sex with her after finding out about her infidelity, it may be considered forgiveness under the law. So you would lose your advantage in a divorce. So don't have sex with her until you research the situation where you live. You should talk to an attorney if only for basic information. Most will give a free 10 to 30 minute consultation, either in person or via phone. You can get basic questions answered about how things work where you live.

As to your marriage, there is more hope than we usually see. Your wife coming to you and confessing is a huge positive, but only if it was not under pressure (as others have mentioned). This needs to be followed up by good therapy for her as an individual and both of you as a couple. Reconciliation is a process, not a one time event. It will take years.

I think you two have a good chance of success if you both do the hard work.

You should not make a final decision at this moment. Because you valued the marriage and think of her as your best friend, you are predisposed to want to stay married. Realize the new marriage will not be the old marriage, but it could be a good new marriage. On the other hand, you may go through the R process yet find the marriage is not salvageable. So my advice is for you to decide over the next few weeks if her affair is by itself a deal breaker. If so, go ahead and divorce her. But if you are not certain, attempt R while always keeping in mind D is a possible outcome. Commit to the process but don't try to force a particular outcome.

Get the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Get it today. Both you and your wife should read it asap. Buy two copies and give one to her.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

No kids?

She cheats less than 2 years into the M?

File for D.....there is absolutely no reason to put yourself through the h*ll of R in this situation.

Expose the A to both your families and all friends after filing....do this to prevent her from painting you as a monster and the culprit for ending the M....she damaged you enough already, don't let her destroy your reputation too.

And find out if POSOM is M or in a relationship and expose the A to his BW immediately....she deserves to know, and this POS deserves some grief for helping to f*ck up your M and life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Divorce isn't always the answer but it should always be on the table when someone cheats and in your case, I would have a hard time not recommending it.

She, for whatever reason, is not grown up enough for marriage. She may get there with a lot of work but she should have worked on her issues before getting involved with you.

I think your best bet would probably be to divorce her. If you both want, you could try again after she pulls whatever crap out of her head that made her think cheating was fun.

Sorry you're in this situation but you are still very young with no kids involved. Thank God you don't have kids in this mess!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is the OP ever going to come back?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Since rthere are no kids why are people telling him to get back in the house?.


It's his house. She cheated. Why should he be the one to leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Next time, you'll know better. 

Have her served, let 50year old dude's wife know all about it. If he's in a position of power over her, their HR department will be interested.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. 

You and her get to a doctor ASAP. Together and tell the doc you both need Complete STD tests because of her cheating. Expose her far and wide. Family and friends. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry man but being one of the oldest members her these folks are right.....a lot of folks come here 15-20 yrs into a marriage and start out with " my wife cheated on me early on in the marriage and I gave her a second chance"............

In my own experience my old lady lasted 5 yrs before phucking around again.


50 yr old guy....whats up with her daddy issues?

At least she isn't banging a teen. You have that going for you.

My point here is your chick has issues and these issues are not marriage friendly. See your chick let this shyt snow ball and was to stupid to know better. Until she has the tools to affair proof this marriage and face her shyty choices and understand how important her own emotional health is in having a good relationship she is doomed to repeat the same crap over again.

Sorry bro this relationship will never be the same.

Sincerly
the guy
with the cheating wife


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Some people believe that infidelity is the result of unmet emotional needs and while that does create an environment for a spouse to take the plunge and have an affair, the reality is that vast number of spouses live with unmet emotional needs but they never choose to have an affair, even when the opportunity to have one presented itself, multiple times. Infidelity is actually the product of spouse who has the mindset that another person is responsible for his/her happiness - something that has been promoted in romance novels, music and movies for a long time. So when such a person's spouse "fails" to make him/her happy, they give themselves permission to replace their spouse emotionally and/or sexually with another.

Whatever you eventually decide on, divorce or reconciliation, *your personal recovery comes FIRST* and for this reason I would recommend that you find a therapist that helps people recover from the trauma of marital betrayal. Because whether you ultimately choose to divorce or reconcile with your cheating wife, *YOU MUST* recover mentally and emotionally in order for you to move on with your life without forever carrying the baggage of the betrayal wherever you go.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
D or R depends on whether or not your WS is capable of mature thought. If she is not, then R will be punishment driven and not true. Your WS may indeed never cheat again if the punishment is severe enough and she very much dislikes chastisement. Or she may feign R and cheat again. Either of these two are the possible outcomes of an immature mind.

In order for there to be true, heartfelt remorse then your wife would need the mental ability to fully comprehend the gravity of her actions and their horrific effect on the marriage. This requires a mental aptitude that she most likely does not possess as demonstrated by her ability to cheat initially. However, there is a minute possibility that there was some defined causative factor which allowed her to override her better judgement and behave irrationally. I believe that this is possible in this instance given the fact that your W confessed, exposed to her Mother and seems truly contrite. However this is still improbable.

Therefore, based on the given above, true, heartfelt R is extremely rare. A form of R wherein the WS maintains fidelity out of fear of punishment or repercussion is also somewhat rare and although not absolute R, it can maintain the marriage, at some level, albeit lacking in depth and understanding. The most common form of R is feigned remorse with blameshifting, rugsweeping and more deceit. This form of R is almost always unsuccessful unless the BS is so lacking in self esteem and self respect so as to overlook the insincerity. With this form of R, the WS will certainly cheat again.

So in answer to your initial question, if any of the forms of R are acceptable to you, then R has a chance at restoring the marriage, even if only temporarily as in the case of number three. Therefore, if R is an option for you and you feel you are able to move beyond the A, then I would strongly suggest that you consider the forms of R and make your decision based on which type you honestly feel your WW is actually capable of and which form you can accept. Determine this and then proceed accordingly to R or D. I wish you good fortune


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

please expose the OM.

And before you see her again, have her write a timeline of the A and have her get tested for stds.

Is she pregnant and the baby is not yours?

File for D. She has not stopped contact with the OM.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me then I get a lawyer and end it. If this is how she's going to be only after two years married, then what happens after 5 years or 10. Any rough patch and she's going to go off to a motel with some other guy.

Look. You don't have kids and your still young. Put a bow on this marriage and ship it off. Get you self back to normal and go find yourself someone with better qualities. If not then all you'll be doing is looking over your shoulder every day for the rest of your life with that seed of doubt festering inside of you.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

OH, easy answer. 2 years married and no children. Your marriage is far too young to have to deal with this kind of disaster of a wife. Divorce her as fast as you can. Learn from your mistakes, and live a better life with someone else. Can you only imagine what your life would be like after 20 years of being married to her with children? I can tell you. 20 years of shear misery, wasted time, money, and your life. Do not leave the house under any circumstances? She cheated, she leaves. Do not believe a word she says. Ever!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes, divorce is ALWAYS the answer, but that statement alone isn't quite enough to explain what I mean...

Essentially, divorce *has* to be on the table, and the WS has to KNOW that. She has to feel it in her bones, see it in her soup, and taste it in her coffee. She has to KNOW that, unless she turns from her adulterous ways, ends her affair, and fully recommits to her marriage, her BS *WILL* file for divorce.

Having said that, it's important to note that, for some WS's, none of ^this^ will matter, which makes divorce the all-the-more apparent option.

And of course all of this assumes that the BS even wants to stay in the marriage.



Disclaimer: Substitute "he" for "she" above as appropriate.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Waz! Unfortunately,(or fortunately depending on how you look at it) what you are getting is alot of sage advice, from people that have had personal hands on experience on a course of action for YOU! not for your wife. That is up to her. You cannot do this for her. As said before, you alone, are responsible for your own happiness.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Some marriages do survive an affair, and even become good marriages. It is a small percentage that do that. In order to get there, the cheater has a metric sh1t ton of work to do on themselves. There is a ton of work to do on the marriage. Even with all the hard work, many marriages don't survive.

So, even if she does work really hard, genuinely really hard, there is no guarantee of a good marriage. But without her doing that work it is guaranteed you will never have a good marriage.

One can easily see the characteristics of a cheater who has that come-to-Jesus realization of what a horrible thing they have done, and are now working really hard on making reparations. We've had a few on this forum, and we all probably know some people in real life like this. 

The majority of the time we see something different in the cheater, someone who is sorry they got caught but not really remorseful for the hurt they inflicted. They rationalize, minimize, blame shift, and rug sweep. They make a weak effort, perhaps attending MC but not really putting their heart into R.

So far I see no evidence of your wife being in the genuine remorse camp, nor of her making a strong effort at doing hard work to repair what she has done. Filing for D offers the possibility of shaking some sense into her, thus getting the process of real R underway. But beware the false R. If she doesn't step up, let the D proceed.

It is better to D than suffer in a marriage with a serial cheater. Filing for D is a no-lose move on your part. It is strong, and it forces her to reveal via her actions whether or not there is a chance at successful R. If she is not going to work out, it is better to know sooner.

I think almost always, like 99.99% of the time, filing for D is the best strategy.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

in a relationship of a few years and with no children, and faced with an unfaithful spouse. If you want to become part of a healthy relationship with a woman, then IMO divorce is always the answer. i.e. the healthy relationship will only be possible with someone else


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Reconciliation is only truely possible if your wife recognises the following.

1. This type of behavour will never be tolerated again.
2. She must give you complete paswword access to all accounts facebook email, etc
3. She is to be openly accountable for her whereabouts at all times and always contactable no excuses.
4. She must show true remorse no blameshifting, guilting etc.
5. All contact with the other man must stop. This is non negotiable. 

Failure to willingly carry out any of the above should result in immediate divorce.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Still no sign of the OP, huh? Just the one initial post?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Looks like he checked in yesterday, but no hasn't posted. Perhaps he was looking for more of "forgive and forget" type advice?

Found out wife was regularly banging some dude as old as her own father, and he up and leaves his house. Should have manned up and kicked her a$$ to the curb. She could have gone to stay with her lovely mother, or her affair partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

wazthedeal said:


> My wife cheated on my I have no idea what to do. Is divorce always the answer?


YES, when any of these apply: 


1) Your wife is a serial cheat

2) Your wife cheats during the "honeymoon" phase

3) Your wife's affair lasts longer than a year

4) Your wife is impregnated by OM

5) Your wife sleeps with someone close to you

6) Your wife is utterly remorseless and blames you

7) You have no kids with your wife


I'm sure there are others but those are the non-negotiables, I can think of off the top of my head. 

In your case, I'd consider banging an old man a deal breaker as well.


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