# I read the texts. Now I can't talk.



## Parra23 (Apr 16, 2016)

I've never posted before. I'll sum up as much as I can but ty to whoever reads this. It is very long. I don't even know if this COUNTS as an EA. My husband gets home in 3 hours and Ik this thing is about to blow up.
We've been married 14 yrs, together 16 and have 2 kids. Dh is very flirty and very sexual. His whole family is like that. 
Anyway, this started late last year. As soon as he came home talking about this one woman from work, I knew there was going to be trouble. I could tell by the tone of his voice. As the months went on he started talking about her more. I realized he was smitten with her. Infatuated. I guess I started acting different because he approached me. Told me, yes he was attracted to her but nothing had happened and nothing would happen. That there had been some flirting but that's it. I told him that wasn't okay and needed to stop. No more carpooling. No future plans to hang out. He agreed to do anything I wanted. 4 days later I broke down about it because he was STILL talking about her throughout the day. He apologized for being insensitive. Offered to switch shifts or quit his job to convince me there was nothing going on. I said no. That I trusted him to not cheat. I did. I still do. I think.
Yesterday I did a stupid thing. I went thru his texts. The recent ones with her were only about work. Further back though... definite blatant flirting. Mostly from him. I'm used to that. That's just how he IS. So no big shocker there. Some other text from another female co-worker got to me. It went kinda like this:

Woman 2: How are things going with woman 1?
Husband: She keeps giving me mixed signals. First she'll put her hand on my knee. Then ignores me for a day. Then brush my hair back out of my face.
Woman 2: Yeah she is hard to read. I'm sorry man. You'll be okay.

This hurt more than the flirting texts! That he was playing the whole "Angsty, lovesick, teen". Trying to get the girl to notice him and his other co-worker was rooting for him! Knowing that he's married!
Onto today. Dh knew something was wrong with me. I can't hide emotions at all. I kept saying it was nothing. He wasn't fooled. He went to work. Called me on his break and asked again what was wrong. Finally came out it was about Woman 1. He said "I've done everything you've asked. I'm never alone with her. She doesn't even like me that way. Do you actually not trust me?!" My head said Yes. Yes I do trust him but the words literally froze in my throat. I couldn't get any sound out! That upset him. Alot. He called me back at lunch and said I really, really hurt him. I tried again to tell him I trust him but nothing comes out! It's those darn texts! Why did they flip my switch so much?! He wants to know what happened to change things so quickly but I don't want to tell him I read his texts. I worry it will make things even worse. Even though that is the simple answer I can't give to him. Those texts were in the "smitten time frame" and it hurts that he was actively, publicly trying to get her attention. If he's to be believed- all of it has stopped. He's offered everything you can think of to prove himself. Offering again last night to quit his job. I'm 80% certain nothing is happening but those texts got into my head! But I don't want to tell him that I read them. He'll be even more hurt and maybe angry. Then HE won't trust ME. I just can't think of what else to tell him caused my drastic switch.
When he gets home in 3 hours he will absolutely not leave me alone until he thinks it's resolved. I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I? Advice is appreciated. Ik this seems like a minor infraction compared to some. But it matters to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband does not respect you or your marriage. Or his female colleagues. Or himself. 

Counselling is an idea you should examine but total honesty is required on both sides.

Your husband changing jobs might be a short term fix but he'd start cheating on you again. 

And yes, he IS a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but he is terrible marriage material. Who cares if his family is all flirts? If YOU are not OK with his flirting, then you firmly TELL him it's unacceptable. 

When he offered to transfer you should have said YES. 

He is acting hurt to make you feel guilty and nuts for doubting him. It's called gaslighting. What he did is still INAPPROPRIATE. 

Don't feel guilty about going through his phone. You're married. In marriage, you get privacy on the toilet, that's all IMO. Just be as open with him about your phone. 

You can't stop this man from being a flirt. Only he can stop himself. He's shown he can't be trusted. 

You need to trust your gut more, be ok with your feelings, and above all, don't make excuses for him. He needs to own his behavior.

Eta: some here would say wait to confront unless you have an IRON WILL at this moment in time. You can't let him twist your words and you'd have to be 100% ready to leave him. Men understand the actions of things. Talking his head off won't do nearly as much. Just be aware.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people regard flirting as relatively harmless (I don't agree) but your husband is more than "just" a flirt. Even if she truly isn't interested, he is. He needs to change shifts (or jobs) but even that doesn't mean she'll be out of his life if he doesn't really want her to be. Be careful. And don't let him convince you that he's the one who has the right to be hurt because you might not trust him any longer. He's put himself in this situation so don't let him talk you out of your right to feel hurt by his actions.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I am sorry OP, but if woman1 was remotely interested in him he would have followed up on it. He is also trying to run game on woman2 by playing the pity card.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@Parra23 Yes, is an EA. No doubt. Your husband is infatuated with Woman #1. Most likely Woman #1 seeks and craves men's attention. I agree with the other poster. She has no romantic or sexual interest in your husband and is using/manipulating him for attention.

With that said, your husband is 100% responsible for this. It is cheating. He is cheating you out of mental and sexual energy that should be directed towards you.

I would reveal the texts NOW. You need to burst his bubble. Ignore any claims of violating his privacy. He lost that claim when he cheated, and it is cheating.

Demand he tell you the full story and insist on a polygraph to confirm he is telling the truth. This is survivable.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

First this is not flirting at this point. His text to and from woman #2 proves your husband is actively seeking an adulterous relationship. His response is pure DARVO.

Deny (H: there is nothing going on) 
Attack (you distrust of is wrong of you) 
Reverse Victim (you) and Offender ( your husband) Your distrust of me is wrong and damaging to our marriage. You need to change if you don't want our sons growing up ina broken home. If a divorce happens it will be your (wife) fault not mine. 

Here is a link fir you What is DARVO?

Taken to an extreme DARVO can be summed up "i did not rape her, if she didn't want it why was she dressed like was and let me buy her a few drinks. Did that strike a nerve? Good that his where you need to be emtionally when your husband gas-lights you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No, he's not having a physical affair. Only because the woman doesn't want him. If he could get in her pants, he would. You are right to be very upset. 
He wants to act "hurt"????

Please, what a load of poop.

You should leave and stay gone a while. He'll likely start rethinking his childish, trashy, cheating behavior and straighten up for a while. Maybe for good if you stay gone long enough and show him you won't tolerate cheating.

Best advice I can give.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've done nothing wrong! Present him with the evidence and give him a look that says "don't you dare f with me". Don't worry about him not trusting you. You are trustworthy - he isn't. He has humiliated you long enough. Put him on a leash so short he'll choke if he tries to breathe.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He acts like he's doing you a favor by not chasing this OW. He's not.

I would tell him that you didn't sign up for a life of hurt and insecurity. He has no right to make you feel this way and you simply won't do it. If he wants to flirt and have affairs, then he can do that, just not married to you. If you divorce, you will be free to flirt and be with other people, too. If he doesn't like that idea, then too bad. He should have thought about that before he started hurting you and your marriage.

Stop letting him set you back on your heels. Tell him you won't have a husband who does this. You shouldn't have to tell him not to go after other women. You're not his jailer. He should be doing it himself out of respect for you and your marriage.

Tell him you know the extent of his flirting with her. Don't tell him how you know. Tell him that you won't live with this. Mean what you say. If you don't draw a line in the sand, you will live a life of heartache with this man.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

He will most likely tell you that he told you there was 'some flirting' which he did when you confronted him previously. 
So he will say he was 'honest'. And that nothing happened & it's not happening now. And somehow try & put it back on you. 

@alteDame is right. Don't tell him you saw his texts. Just say you've heard some rumours & have no intention of telling him how. And that what you heard disgusted you. 

Flirting? Goes way beyond flirting & it seems he lapped it all up. 

Woman 1 is a piece of trash. 

I can't imagine my H talking constantly about a coworker, telling me he's attracted to her & there was 'just some flirting'. Huh!

I'm so sorry OP. You gotta somehow bring out the big guns for his cruel & disrespectful behaviour. 
Hopefully posters will give you some ideas because you do NOT deserve to be treated like this. No wife/husband does.


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## Parra23 (Apr 16, 2016)

I'm sorry this update is so late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your advice. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I have no idea if I did the right thing. I'm afraid I got soft because he got grovely. This is how it went this morning. I was upfront with him. He didn't get angry about me reading the texts. He said I had a right to do it. His hurt facade disappeared pretty quickly once he realized I was contemplating divorce and/ or staying with my Mom for a while. Complete turn around. Said he's sorry that he was being weak and wanting her to like him to stroke his own ego. That none of it is my fault. I already knew that. The whole time I'm thinking he's just telling me what I want to hear. I said that wasn't any excuse. By this time I was mad. I don't trust him. He started making suggestions of what he could do to earn back my trust. Of all the things he listed I chose 4 that would convince me to stay. Only because this is honestly our only problem in the marriage. Albeit a big deal breaker problem. His "flirting" is the only character flaw that I can't tolerate. Money, family, kids, lifestyle. We agree on those. 
He is most definitely NOT forgiven. This is a "wait and see if he follows through with his promises" period. Until he does, these are all just pretty words. I'll believe it when I see it.
1. He will start looking for another job immediately. You guys are right. I should've had him do that. Until then he is switching shifts for a minimum of working 2 days with OW. 
2. We will go to counseling. 
3. He will be on as short a leash (his words) as I want and offer proof of his whereabouts. Luckily, if he's at work I can hear him on the radio. So no fibbing about that. 
4. He will sign a postnuptial agreement with an infidelity clause. Jic once a cheater, always a cheater. I define what constitutes cheating and proof. He'll make it as one sided as our state allows. As proof this won't happen again. (His words.)
If nothing else this assures I am financially able to leave him when I choose. He got hurt that I took him up on this offer but I really couldn't give a #&$!. I am a great wife to him. He knows nobody else would have the patience to put up with his flamboyant personality day to day.
I opened my own bank account when this all started. I have no idea if this will work. Even though I agreed to his suggestions I'm still going to stay with my Mom for a week AFTER we sign the post nuptial. This is probably a stupid move.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you are doing the right thing(s). Keep strong and don't waver an inch on your demands!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Sounds like a good move to me, nothing stupid about it. 
Feet to the fire and "Wait and see" is logical and prudent.


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## Parra23 (Apr 16, 2016)

Thank you. I hope it is but I won't hold my breath either.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Good for you! Stand your ground now. He needs to know that he can't talk you around. The more you respect yourself, the more he will show you the proper respect, in my opinion.

Good on you.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Parra23 said:


> I'm sorry this update is so late. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your advice. You don't know how much I appreciate it. I have no idea if I did the right thing. I'm afraid I got soft because he got grovely. This is how it went this morning. I was upfront with him. He didn't get angry about me reading the texts. He said I had a right to do it. His hurt facade disappeared pretty quickly once he realized I was contemplating divorce and/ or staying with my Mom for a while. Complete turn around. Said he's sorry that he was being weak and wanting her to like him to stroke his own ego. That none of it is my fault. I already knew that. The whole time I'm thinking he's just telling me what I want to hear. I said that wasn't any excuse. By this time I was mad. I don't trust him. He started making suggestions of what he could do to earn back my trust. Of all the things he listed I chose 4 that would convince me to stay. Only because this is honestly our only problem in the marriage. Albeit a big deal breaker problem. His "flirting" is the only character flaw that I can't tolerate. Money, family, kids, lifestyle. We agree on those.
> He is most definitely NOT forgiven. This is a "wait and see if he follows through with his promises" period. Until he does, these are all just pretty words. I'll believe it when I see it.
> 1. He will start looking for another job immediately. You guys are right. I should've had him do that. Until then he is switching shifts for a minimum of working 2 days with OW.
> 2. We will go to counseling.
> ...



He also needs to get rid of any friends who aren't a friend of the marriage, this includes his female friend who was supporting him after the OW let him down. Anyone who supports his affair, albeit EA, needs to go, permanently!


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## Parra23 (Apr 16, 2016)

That is true always_hopefull. I need to tell him that. Apparently, Woman 2 now thinks I'm in the right. Because she is into Woman 1. He told me months ago that Woman 1 is a lesbian. I just forgot. He works in a mostly female environment. He's 1 of 2 men in an office of 15. So they are all gossipy and in each others business. That's no excuse. He'll just have to manage. 
Thanks alte Dame. I'm usually so easy going that I think this knocked him off kilter. He's calling every break and he stopped acting hurt over the post nuptial. Now he says "lf it'll make you feel better. You can write whatever you want and I'll sign it." We shall see. I won't make it outrageous out of spite. Even though I'm tempted. IF he behaves and IF I choose to stay then I'll eventually stop being mad. I have to remember that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can hear him on the radio? So you know where he is?

Is he a radio presenter? 

Prerecorded segments might mean he could be somewhere else doing goodness knows what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you. 

Get this all in writing. Immediately. 
Hold him to it. 

Don't let him guilt trip you. Trust, once lost, must be earned. 

He may, in fact, now have greater respect for you, because you stood firm.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Keep both of your feet to the fire. Find a good MC and work on your marriage for the rest of your lives. A healthy marriage evolves and grows as each spouse moves though the phases of life. 

Be well


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Brilliant @Parra23. You did a great job. 

You sound so much better than you did in your first post. 

Keep that resolve. 

I love the way you are getting your financial ducks in a row. Keep that going too. 

This is about you & your life. 

Go girl


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Oh man, I really feel for you. I discovered inappropriate texts on my ex-husband's mobile. It turned out he was having a physical relationship with someone else. I remember reading and the more I did the more closed my chest felt. I couldn't breathe and after a few sips of water, I was physically sick. The emotions and betrayal are a lot to take in. Let this be a warning that he cannot be trusted. He is a CHEATER and I think you should reconsider everything about him and your current relationship.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He's definitely on the prowl. It's good you didn't buy his story. If these women were willing he'd be all in them. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or wants to leave you. If he's like most men, he's a horny guy who misread the women and thought they would fall for his game.
But if he's a constant flirt, player type, then you have long term problems.

Most men that are probing for potential mates, are doing so because of opportunity and desire. Opportunity is always potentially out there. Many times it's just timing, hence ONS'. I believe opportunity, in most cases, is more noticeable to a horny man than it would be to a satisfied one. Desire to look and probe for a side piece depends on the man. A wife can limit his desire by improving their sex life and making WH feel desired but some men, player types, will always be on the prowl and would have been a poor choice for a spouse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The legal agreement part where you get to define what the cheating is sounds a little crazy to me, the rest I like. I like the post nip idea, but you should define what constitutes cheating. Jmo

You gave consequences--- that's great!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

It's good that your H is getting a new job. I found sort of romantic emails form my DW to her boss and she refused to get a new job.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Parra-You are doing great. You have called him out and made him feel like a douche for damaging your trust and putting the marriage in danger through his stupid ego. Hold fast. Be prepared to keep your armour on for quite awhile. Don't trust and do verify at this point. Good luck.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There's a psychology to all this that we sadly have experience with. Your WH probably thinks that you will 'get over' your demand for the post-nup. Cheaters will often agree to a polygraph and then climb down from that agreement when they realize it might actually happen. They think that agreeing to it is enough to reassure. In the same way, your WH probably thinks that you will 'calm down' and the post-nup will be forgotten.

So, hang tough. Don't budge from your position if you want real change.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Parra23 said:


> That is true always_hopefull. I need to tell him that. Apparently, Woman 2 now thinks I'm in the right. Because she is into Woman 1. He told me months ago that Woman 1 is a lesbian. I just forgot. He works in a mostly female environment. He's 1 of 2 men in an office of 15. So they are all gossipy and in each others business. That's no excuse. He'll just have to manage.


Woman #1 is most likely a bisexual. Woman #2 might or might not be lesbian. Your husband is into #1 and would have had sex with her if she was willing. She is teasing him for attention, especially if he is 1 of 2 guys with 13 women. She has no intentions of putting out. 

Your husband is lying or half truthing you if he says #1 is lesbian. He would not put this much effort in a lesbian. He might have told you #1 is into woman, which is true, but she is also into guys. 

This all sounds like my office, minus the radio part.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Woman #1 is most likely a bisexual. Woman #2 might or might not be lesbian. Your husband is into #1 and would have had sex with her if she was willing. She is teasing him for attention, especially if he is 1 of 2 guys with 13 women. She has no intentions of putting out.
> 
> Your husband is lying or half truthing you if he says #1 is lesbian. He would not put this much effort in a lesbian. He might have told you #1 is into woman, which is true, but she is also into guys.
> 
> This all sounds like my office, minus the radio part.


I am not sure what to believe anymore, as far as Woman1 is concerned. I think we've all seen cases where a guy becomes infatuated with a woman and behaves in an inappropriate manner. A lot of times men see signals that just aren't there. In any case the OP should respond the same either way, EA or infatuation. It honestly doesn't matter which one. His attention was focused where it should not have been.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Very good job putting your foot down. You really should have done this many years ago, because by not doing it, you've essentially created a monster. Glad you scared him straight - for now. But old habits die hard. Don't let your guard down here, no matter what he says.


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## Parra23 (Apr 16, 2016)

Thank you for all the responses. It's so great to have a sounding board and somewhere to go. My closest friend is, regrettably, an OW. So her views are skewed. 
MattMatt: He is a 911 dispatcher. So it can't be pre-recorded. But good thinking.
Satya: I'm hoping he has more respect for me. Ik this sounds bad but if only for the fact that I COULD live my life without him. 
I'm pretty much finished with the short post nup. We don't have a ton of assets but I made sure that my inheritance, even if we are still married when the time comes, is mine. He surprised me this morning with a contract he drew up and signed himself. He read and says he'll still sign what I wrote in front of a notary tomorrow. The contract he wrote is pretty outrageous (he's left with almost nothing and paying high alimony) but I understand the point he's trying to push. He's trying to prove something. 
JohnA: It will take alot of therapy because Gabriel is right. I let the "harmless flirting" go on too long. 
**********: Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm a SAHM but I pay myself out of his paycheck. 
Threeblessings: I get the chest closing up feeling. I still feel that when I think about it. He cheated. He IS a cheater. That has not left my mind. I'm sure it won't for quite a long time. 
jsmart: This is only a trial period. If he shows genuine effort then I will. If he looks outside our marriage then she can have him. Whether she wants him or not. Sex life? Ha! He better not bring it up. He hasn't. 
Evinrude: Ik defining cheating sounds crazy but I wanted to draw strong lines about it. So he has no doubt in his mind that he's doing wrong. There is no "harmless" anymore. 
Kindme77: I'm sorry your H wouldn't switch jobs. I was honestly surprised that mine offered it because he loves his. Ik why now. 
Nursejackie: He is most definitely a douche for behaving the way he did. Thank you for the good luck wishes. 
alte Dame: I fear as much from him. That's why we are going tomorrow to sign. In our state all that's needed is a written contract and signing in front of a notary. The evil thought of telling him his Dad has to be the notary went through my mind. Then I realized it's a conflict of interest, really petty, and his Dad would probably kick his bum. 
blueinbr: I'm pretty much done guessing what's the truth about these women. It really doesn't matter. I saw for myself what was going on. H's actions are the problem not them. 
Reformedhubby: That's exactly right. What I think too. 
Gabriel: I will not let my guard down. I should've done this so long ago. 

I wish I could control my emotions better and not cry so much. Just seems to come busting out without permission at random times. God please don't let my resolve leave me. I'm afraid my anger is what's fueling it.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Please be careful. Post-nups are rarely enforceable, particularly if they are lop-sided in any way. Would he sign some of your assets over to being in your name solely in lieu of a post-nup that is unlikely to actually protect you?

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## towerdave43 (Nov 7, 2015)

Deleted


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So she is a lesbian? A guy once said if his wife walk into the bedroom and found him, her mother and her sister in bed with him the only sane think to do was yell "help your mother and sister are raping me, call 911! Why because people will beleve anything if they want to or need to. It was actually pretty fun in context but you had to know his wife. (drill sergeants could take lessons from her)

Stay aware, and use MC and individual therapists to help you. Oh and YOU pre-screen an MC or individual therapists. No rug sweeping.


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