# My husband doesn't spend time with me



## winterkate (Aug 29, 2013)

my husband and I have been married for 10 years, and have two kids under 6 years old.
at night, after we have dinner together, he sits in his "library/home office" on his computer or plays a game. I will be in the living room watching tv or on my computer, whenever he passes by he gives me a small peck and asks me if I need anything, then goes back. I've told him MANY times that I hate this and that i dont get why we dont spend time together, he says im crazy and that we do! what do you mean we dont spend time together). 

The rare occasion in the past when he did spend time with me, it was almost as if he was forced.

we barely have sex, which has also been a concern of mine, but he also thinks its not a problem, and then brings up the blame to me (I tried to kiss you but you didn't seem interested, you were in a bad mood etc). Yes I am tired but I still want to have sex!

I'm working out and trying to stay fit, where as he gained weight and is aware of the need to loose weight but hasn't even put one effort. 

I try to ignore everything and just follow my heart, sometimes I go and sit in his library but then he makes me feel like I'm not wanted because he doest talk to me. He says he loves me so much but I don't know what love he's talking about? I'm starting to feel neutral towards him...and that is scaring me to death.

Help


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Has your relationship always been like this? I assume no. How was it different before? In what ways did you spend time together?

Are the kids a factor in how much time you can spend together? 
What things does he like to do? Does he have guy friends that he does things with (like fishing, or sports)?

What kind of time would you like him to spend with you?

How is his work situation? Is he feeling challenged and fulfilled with his work? Does he have hobbies that are interesting to him? 

You don't have to answer all of these questions, but they are ones that will help others on the boards understand your situation better. 

On a "now do" note, I would write out some things you would like to do with him and then have a chat with him. I would also include intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual). Ask him to come up with a list of things he would like to do with you, as well. Maybe coming up with a mutual plan after you get your lists done would prompt some time together. If you have a way to have the kids watched by someone (grandparents, friends, babysitter, etc.) it might be good to add that to the mix.

Stay hopeful!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have very good reason to be concerned about him not wanting to spend time with you. Lack of sex is a big concern as well. These are the things that create and maintain the bond/passion in a marriage. Without them the marriage will die.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, doing date-like things, just the two of them. This usually means an hour or two together during the week after the children go to bed. Then on weekends a long date or two.

How often do the two of you have sex?

There are some books that I think will help you.

“Divorce Busting”, pay special attention when she’s talking about the 180. (not the 180 in my signature block below)

“His Needs, Her Needs” 

“Love Busters”


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

It sounds as if your husband (at least maybe both of you) has got into a rut.

You tell us that he does "gives me a small peck and asks me if I need anything" to him this may be both "showing his love" and "offering acts of kindness" or whatever the phrasing in the latest self help book is. 

I am sure that he knows your relationship could be better but he like you may not know how to make the necessary changes.

Practical hints that might help,

"Date Night" make it quality time doing something you both enjoy (just sitting watching telly in the same room does not work for me).

"Health & Weight" I know that for me once we had kids and I was working long hours the first thing to go was my exercise / sports time. I did put on weight and it was hard to find the motivation to loose it. I would not advise "pushing or nagging" your husband on this as it could just "get his back up" (I know it does mine) so why not just make sure you cook healthy meals each evening, offer to make him a wholesome lunch to take to work. Maybe even combine a healthy activity with "date night" (go for a swim together then a sauna) whatever works for you. I know I (and I think most men) are creatures of habit and will continue to do things until there is a reason to change. 

"Sex Life"
If you want more sex than you are having now then you need to initiate more often. (I have been married nearly 20 years and have never said no when my wife has initiated not that it happens very often). Try and rekindle the spark, wear nice things around him, pop into the bathroom and wash his back when he is in the tub. Give him the opportunity to show you his love and affection.

"Time to Talk"
Communication is IMHO key to healthy relationships so make a habit of talking to not at each other We try and all (with the kids)eat together at the same table and this does allow for general talk I know there will be things you will not want to talk about in front of the kids but it is a starting point.

"Notes / Lists"
I do like "eyuop's" idea of each making and or sharing list of ideas together. I have often used lists just to get my own ideas / thought in order before talking to my wife about things so sharing them could work even better.

Best of luck and do please let us know how things go. The same things do not work for all couples but knowing what has worked for others could be a good starting point for us all. I do not know anyone on TAM who claims to have all the answers but we can and do try to help / learn for each other.


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## winterkate (Aug 29, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helps to talk about this.

To answer your questions:

No, kids are not a reason we are not spending time together. I mean they obviously are a reason why I'm so sleepy and tired by 9pm though, while he isn't and stays up until 1-2am.

We do go out to dinners and enjoy our time when we do for the most part, we are in the process of a move now so I'm not complaining about not going out now.

He hasn't always been like that, but he has always cherished his time alone, which I respect. He reads a lot of news and analysis, so he spends alot of time online (I know he's not watching porn or chatting with women).

He doesn't really have hobbies that he pursues.

He definitely doesn't like to "talk" about feelings and gets very defensive when I tell him I want to spend more time with you, or why aren't we in the same room if we are both free. He wouldn't write things down and if I asked him he would get all sarcastic and ask me to stop reading books or overthinkign stuff.

About sex, I would initiate it but I want to feel wanted. I know you would say he would want that too, I'm sure if I do initiate he would respond, its juts I don't know why he doesn't! (btw sex has always been slow) its just getting worse, which I understand with kids and the move and stress, but now I can say we have sex 2-3 times a month (I'm in my early thirties, he's in his early 40s). I always dress up and take care of myself, always in nice lingerie.
I wonder if his low libido is because of his diet and smoking and lack of exercise? The thing is he is aware of it, just doesn't want to do anything about it.

He's in the process of setting up a business (thus the move), so his mind is busy. But my issue isn't just now, it was before also.

He's a great man, a great father, supports me financially, very kind and caring. But I want to feel romance and a connection. 

When I put an extra effort of being attentive and hugging him and kissing him and planning things for us he's fine with it. But I want him to do it , so then I back off and cool down and then he seems confused and asks me if everything is okay?.He thinks kissing me and asking me if I need anything, making me something to eat and always helping and never saying no is enough. 

When we connect, I feel like I can conquer the world because he's with me, but when we are like this, almost like roommates, everything just falls. 

He really doesn't think there is anything wrong and is always surprised when I tell him my concerns. That's why sometimes I tell myself not to bring it up again, but then I feel lonely and mention it and we start all over again. He just doesnt get it. He thinks that everything he does is wrong, then I feel guilty.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What interests do you have in common, if any? Maybe you can find new ones, such as a dance class or art class. What issues concern you both, generally, in the news, or in your life? What can you converse about other than the mundane necessities of life?

If you have nothing in common, he may find time with you boring, and his other focus more mentally stimulating.

Perhaps if you can engage on an intellectual level it will lead to more on other levels.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

winterkate said:


> He definitely doesn't like to "talk" about feelings and gets very defensive when I tell him I want to spend more time with you, or why aren't we in the same room if we are both free. He wouldn't write things down and if I asked him he would get all sarcastic and ask me to stop reading books or overthinkign stuff.


I'm curious about this stuff. You ask him to write stuff down? Like what? A list of chores? Not that there's anything wrong with having a list of chores. I prefer it to trying to remember a dozen things. Or is it his feelings? That's a tough one. I'd have a hard time committing them to paper unless I was convinced that it was somehow better than just discussing them. 

And what about the overthinking comment? I can relate to that as my wife can spend hours worrying about something that has little chance of happening and even if it does, won't happen for months. When she talks about that stuff she gets angry that I don't share her anxiety, and assumes that I just don't care, which isn't true. If worrying could solve problems I would do it too, but it can't. Worrying in that way is a waste of energy and it prevents you from doing something positive with your time. 

Or is it over-thinking like over-planning? That can certainly take the fun out of things and turn them into a chore.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

Just an idea: You said he does not have hobbies, but on the other hand you mentioned he likes to read about the news and politics.

That could be his hobby. Could you imagine talking with him about the news, ask him for his opinion? May be have a "date", have nice dinner and talk about politics if it interest you. Or watch a political documentary together, talk about it, analyse it... and so on.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

I am writing a to tell you that you are not alone and gender is not a factor. I, obviously am a man, however what you have expressed describes my life entirely. In fact perfectly. My wife has 3 activities that are important to her. Now we have been married for 33yrs. and the problem has been increasingly getting worse over the past 6-7 yrs. 
Sex what is that! she has become a Nun (none). Time to cuddle and just talk, thats a joke to unless it's about the Pittsburg Steelers! Now her three activities are as follows, 1. Work, everything revolves around it and when she does talk to me it is about people and things at work. Then 2. the Pittsburg Steelers the world revolves around them they are the greatest everything! Finally the 3rd is the computer and Facebook. In fact the people she talks to on facebook know more about her than I do. 
Now, I just listen when she talks about work simple because I don't know the people or even what the building she works in looks like. Next her obsession with the Steelers has had an adverse effect on me. I played football throughout High School and College then I coach high school football for 13 yrs., however now I don't even want to watch games even though I truly love the game. Finally, when it comes to facebook I can not understand how she can spend 4 or 5 hours on there typing things to people who she, for the most part doesn't really know. I can understand the time she spends with family and old friends who live far away from us since we live in Pensacola, Fl. and her family and friends are in New Jersey. as far as I go I only have one living family member and that is my sister and we talk on the phone or texting. 
Oh yes I did forget one other interest of her's and that is our sons one is 32 and the other is 29. They are both married and have lives of their own. The oldest has a newborn daughter and naturally his family commitment is his primary concern. Further he lives in up state New York. On the other hand, our younger son is in the Navy and stationed here in Pensacola so at the drop of a hat she will fly over to his house for any reason to be with him or our daughter- in- law. 
Furthermore, for a long time I felt like there was something wrong with me and sometimes I still do. Whenever I try to to talk to her about any level of intimacy her reply is "your obsessed" and you need to find something to occupy your time". Now I am a professional writer and I work at home. I do all the housework, grocery shopping, laundry and all other relevant duties. Then I work late nights because everything is quiet and calm. The rest of the time I am the house Bit**, and I often feel like a servant and nothing more than a simple functionary nothing more.
Now over the years we have both changed physically, I know for my part I am about 20 lbs heavier than when we were married and far less athletic. She is very far from that 115 lbs. then 33 yrs. ago, but this is life and really nothing unusual. I still love her and I only want her. To me great sex has the emotional foundation of love. Moreover, in the past 6 almost 7 yrs. we have not been sexually active more than 10 or, maybe, 12 time. When ever we do, she wear clothing that is not sexy and she always covers her upper body. This totally removes sensuality. In fact it works in an adverse way as to be repelling.
In closing, my advice, if I am even qualified to give it, is first you must see yourself as sex and desirable. Next you must be fully secure and confident in your sexuality, know what you want, desire and need and than simply share it. Next keep being aggressive, in good taste, and never stop being willing to initiate things. Next remember men are very visual and they need to physically see thing whereas women can see things in their minds eye and become aroused, so don't be afraid to buy lingerie that is sexy. This does not mean you need to act like a "Ho" there are always things that are suggestive with good taste and class.
In sum, If you let things continue it will only get worse and your are still young in marriage. "Take the bull by the horns" and, if necessary, become the boss. Otherwise you will end up like me completely frustrated about to burst at the seams and seriously considering having an extramarital affair. The only impediment for me right now is it's been so long since I have sought out other women I really don't know were to begin. Therefore, don't end up like me be "pro-Active" in the situation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

winterkate said:


> my husband and I have been married for 10 years, and have two kids under 6 years old.
> at night, after we have dinner together, he sits in his "library/home office" on his computer or plays a game. I will be in the living room watching tv or on my computer, whenever he passes by he gives me a small peck and asks me if I need anything, then goes back. I've told him MANY times that I hate this and that i dont get why we dont spend time together, he says im crazy and that we do! what do you mean we dont spend time together).
> 
> The rare occasion in the past when he did spend time with me, it was almost as if he was forced.
> ...


I think you are going to have to be more specific when you tell him you want to spend more time with him. He's not understanding 'quality' time. It's not sharing the same space doing different things. You want his attention. Full, undivided attention. If the two of you aren't doing that for at least 15 hours per week (date like conditions, alone time) then your intimacy (sex life) diminishes.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

It sounds to me like you guys are going through a big transition. And sometimes, big changes can impact intimacy.

When my husband and I moved last December, we rarely had sex. We moved, he was starting school, I was in a new workcenter...we were both stressed to the max, and the last thing we were thinking about was sex!

Have you tried asking if he's stressed out, instead of saying "you're not spending enough time with me"? I think if you opened the conversation with how you think he's stressed because of the move and his new business and then have that lead into mentioning that you've been feeling a little left-out lately...

Also: date night is a good idea. It sounds dumb to schedule a night but it really works. I've found that people misread "schedule date night" and think you have to have a fully-planned-out 5-star restaurant lined up. I am referring more to "hey, Tuesday the kids will be with the sitter from 6 to 9pm, let's do something" and you go from there.

All in all, this sounds more like a temporary rut that you two will be past soon. In the meantime: he's got a lot on his plate, I think I'd cut him a tiny bit of slack.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

Schedules help a lot. Y'all sound busy - so 15 hours may be a lot.

Date night is a good start - someplace away from distractions.

Something that helps my wife, when the present is busy, is to schedule something nice a few months into the future.

Also, maybe try developing a mutual interest. If he's on the computer a lot, maybe cribbage? Otherwise, taking classes together can give you something to talk about.

--Argyle


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

winterkate said:


> \
> When I put an extra effort of being attentive and hugging him and kissing him and planning things for us he's fine with it. But I want him to do it , so then I back off and cool down and then he seems confused and asks me if everything is okay?.He thinks kissing me and asking me if I need anything, making me something to eat and always helping and never saying no is enough.
> 
> He really doesn't think there is anything wrong and is always surprised when I tell him my concerns. That's why sometimes I tell myself not to bring it up again, but then I feel lonely and mention it and we start all over again. He just doesnt get it. He thinks that everything he does is wrong, then I feel guilty.


Has anyone suggested His Needs/Her Needs yet? There's a lot online (questionnaires you can print even), or there's a book. 

The quote above struck me as the root of your problem. You husband is totally confused about what you want. Have you tried really spelling it out to him? In the most concrete terms possible, not using vague words like "more romantic" or "more passionate," but a really explicit, "I want our sexual chemistry ratcheted up to a 10, this is what I want you to do." What man doesn't want his wife to feel like their chemistry is a 10, right?

This kind of conversation tends to go one of two ways: the man gets it and gives it some degree of a try (your job will be to remember that this is making a big change in his operating system and will take a long time to become permanent, if ever). OR, he won't respond at all, which will leave you feeling like he cares more about himself than you. It's a dangerous intersection, and seeing a therapist (if they're good) might help you avoid missteps.

Good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

northernlights said:


> Has anyone suggested His Needs/Her Needs yet? There's a lot online (questionnaires you can print even), or there's a book.
> 
> The quote above struck me as the root of your problem. You husband is totally confused about what you want. Have you tried really spelling it out to him? In the most concrete terms possible, not using vague words like "more romantic" or "more passionate," but a really explicit, "I want our sexual chemistry ratcheted up to a 10, this is what I want you to do." What man doesn't want his wife to feel like their chemistry is a 10, right?
> 
> ...


Yep I suggested that book and two others in the second reply on this thread. Not sure if the OP noticed.


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