# Actions vs. Words



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

My husband and I have been on a roller-coaster ride for quite some time now. We both really love each other but there are problems with our relationship.

He told me the other day that the does not consider me a friend and he feels like if our marriage is going to work we need to not only be friends, but be best friends.

I couldn't agree more, but the fact that we are not friends is completely his doing, in my opinion. When our son was born 10 years ago I became a mother and he became a bachelor with the fringe benefits of a wife and son. He did not stop going out with friends because he had a child at home. He left me home with our son and went out by himself.

We have fought about this issue more times than I care to recall over the past 10 years but his behavior hasn't changed. He says that he just has a zest for life. I say that he has chosen his friends over his wife and child.

To make matters even worse he is literally incapable of talking to me. He clams up and his brain shuts down and he is physically unable to say what is on his mind....which, of course, leaves me feeling empty and alone because NOTHING ever gets resolved. We just put it behind us and move on with no resolution because he is not able to communicate.

We had a "talk" (and I use that term loosely) last night and he told me that he loves me and that he wants to do whatever it takes to make me happy. The problem is that he is like the boy who cried wolf. I have heard it all before and nothing ever changes. There is always a "next time."

I feel like I make all the changes to adapt to his wants and needs and he changes nothing for me. I want us to become friends again, but, as I told him, that choice is his. In order for us to become friends we have to spend time together which means that he is going to have to choose me over his friends....or at the very least, include me in the gatherings. He agreed, but there was nothing heartfelt about it. It was more of a "I'll agree with her just so she will stop talking to me about this" kind of tone.

I'm not sure what my next step should be because I still feel very tentative about the whole thing. I want to believe him, but the truth is that I don't.

Any advice?


----------



## donnaj8887 (Sep 3, 2010)

Trakeveth said:


> My husband and I have been on a roller-coaster ride for quite some time now. We both really love each other but there are problems with our relationship.
> 
> He told me the other day that the does not consider me a friend and he feels like if our marriage is going to work we need to not only be friends, but be best friends.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing.


 Watch Going The Distance Online Free


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"he is going to have to choose me over his friends"

that kind of ultimatum won't work. There has to me a middle ground somewhere. 1-2 nights/week with the guys? 1-2 nights/week you get out on your own? 1-2 nights/week you go out on a date?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Friends do things together. What does he do when he's with his friends? Do they watch sports? Go to bars? Work on cars? Play poker? If you trained yourself to like or at least feign interest in whatever he's into, you could strike up conversations with him on his own turf. Have a few of his buddies come over to your house, make friends with them, and hang out with them. They might even encourage your husband to bring you along the next time. You've probably got a number of female friends. If your husband wanted to be included in whatever y'all did, he would have to either be interested or pretend to be interested in the things y'all did. He doesn't sound like the sort of guy who'd be content walking around Bed, Bath, and Beyond sniffing fragrances.


----------



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

Breeze,

Thank you so much for your post. Reading it felt as though you were inside my head and knew exactly what I was thinking and how I was feeling. Your words are very encouraging.

By the way, "spicing things up at home" has never been a problem for us. That is the one area of our relationship that has always been great....although I will admit that there have been times when we have lacked in frequency for various reasons.

Chris Taylor,

Perhaps I mis-worded my original post a little...I have NEVER given him an ultimatum, nor would I ever. That is not my style. Over the past 10 years he has gotten so used to hanging out with his friends that it has become his lifestyle and he does it without even thinking about it. 

What I meant was that it is going to be more of an effort for him to choose to spend time with me since his gut instinct is to leave me at home to be with his friends. I have never told him that he can never hang out with friends. I would never do that. 

Here is what really frustrates me....he is out of town this weekend visiting a friend (who I know very well and love dearly). Wed. night we came to the agreement that we both love each other very much, we both want to stay married, we both agree that we need to work on becoming friends again and we both want to do whatever is necessary to make each other happy. He left Thurs....the very next evening.

I hoped that he would call me to let me know that he had arrived safely. He didn't. I called him and he wasn't able to talk at that time because he was driving and his vehicle is very noisy so there is no point in even trying to have a conversation when he is driving. He texted me to acknowledge my call and let me know that he was driving. I fully assumed that he would call me when he was able.

I didn't see his text until 2 hours after I had tried to call him. I texted him back and asked him to call me when he got there (mind you, this is now 4 hours after his expected arrival time, so I have no idea what is going on at this point).

I never heard from him.

I tried to call him this morning. No answer.

This is typical behavior for him. I am sure that he will say that when he got there he was tired and went right to bed since he had been up since 5 am, etc., etc.

But my point is that he knows how I worry myself into a stupor and would it have really been that much effort to make a 2 minute phone call to let me know that he was okay before he went to sleep? ESPECIALLY after he just told me that he wants us to be friends again and he wants to do whatever is necessary. I feel like I make all of the changes and he changes nothing. He would not have ignored a phone call from one of his friends, I can tell you that for sure.

Does anybody have a brick wall I can bang my head against? :scratchhead:


----------



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> He doesn't sound like the sort of guy who'd be content walking around Bed, Bath, and Beyond sniffing fragrances.


That made me laugh out loud! 

No, he is definitely not that type of guy.

I know all of his friends and they are a great group of guys. I do hang out with them now and then and they hang out here quite often. 

I try to involve myself in what he is doing as often as possible and I have been trying like crazy to get myself interested in what he is interested in (or at least pretend) so that we can spend more time together. 

Thanks for the advice.


----------



## Trakeveth (Aug 20, 2010)

Dear Hunt Brown, 

God bless you! I have talked to a LOT of people about my marital issues, including a counselor that I have been seeing for the past couple of months and NOBODY has ever opened my eyes the way that your post has.

I am a big enough person to admit that you are totally and completely right. I am guilty as charged. 

I have been searching for my own faults through this whole process and I have even asked my husband to tell me if there is anything that I do that irritates him so that I can change that behavior, but it is not his style to judge or complain so he has never been able to do that.

I know I have faults. I have just never had them pointed out to me in a way that makes as much sense as what you have just done.

I am stunned, but in a very appreciative way. Thank you very much for the new perspective you have given me.


----------

