# I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend



## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

*I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*

I apologize in advance for being such a long read. But it's really that insane. 

So I have a good friend and I have a problem with his girlfriend. I'll give you background first.


For the sake of conversation we'll call my friend Don. I went to school with Don from 6th-12th grade. We graduated in 1998. We were the type of friends that were always cool with each other at school but didn't hang out much outside of school. After graduation we never saw each other, mainly by coincidence.

8 years ago I bought a house across from his parents and we reconnected. We became really good buddies and he helped me reconnect with other old friends from school. We are actually all a really tight knit group now and are glad we reconnected. 

About 6 years ago he starts dating this girl. At first it seemed cool. They had similar interests and this girl had a 6 year old daughter. Ok fine. It was a totally normal situation.

About a year after that Don inherited his grandfathers house. He had been living with his parents as he was in between apartments. It's a nice suburban home. Good for him. About that same time his girlfriend went away for about 3 years to finish school. She was home frequently for a person in school so she wasn't totally gone, but they had some distance and Don's life was mostly the same. Don is a real social guy and is very well liked and has many friends. 

At this point as far as our friendship or anyone else's friendship with Don nothing has really changed. She finished school early and came home about 3 years ago. This is when the horror story starts.

She immediately moves into Don's house with the daughter. I called it a "hostile takeover". What was a cool place to hang out suddenly was very uncomfortable. She was very bossy with Don and was definitely making it known this was hers now. There were even rumors that she and the daughter slept in Don's bed and Don slept on the couch.

She was making demands and what changes needed to be made in the house to get it the way she wanted it. Apparently Don's parents weren't happy since this house has been in their family since it was built. So the GF starts getting frustrated and started demanding Don sell the house and buy her the big expensive one in the fancy part of town that she liked. This is completely stupid since the house was already nice, in a nice part of town with great schools, paid for, his parents are footing the tax bill, repairs, updates and most everything except TV. Oh, and they have no money on hand. As you can tell Don is a momma's boy who has had many things done for him in life. This doesn't make him a bad person, but a little naive. In fact, Don is a great guy. He doesn't budge on selling because it makes ZERO sense but she still beats him up about it to this day.

It gets worse. Around this same time Don starts calling the GF's kid his "daughter". Ok, I understand in some situations that would be fine or even a positive thing, but not this one. They aren't married, they aren't getting married, they both express they don't want to have kids, but Don without warning is suddenly a "parent". This change was very abrupt and makes all of his friends uncomfortable, especially the ones who actually have kids. Now I'm not knocking Step-parents, ya'll are some amazing people, but this is clearly a case of manipulation where she wanted to get Don sucked in hook line and sinker and she uses the daughter as the weapon. Don has a free house and several hundred grand coming when his parents(who are older) die. 

It gets worse. Now confused Don is constantly throwing the "my daughter" phrase around. He doesn't even refer to her by name anymore. He just has to make sure every person knows he's a "parent". He's even telling others who have kids how to parent now. Made only worse by the fact that his GF doesn't actually let him parent and doesn't even respect him. Poor Don is so confused.

More: Don likes to drink and smoke. He's an extremely social guy and everyone likes him but she's up his ass about it. When she was away and she called while we were at a bar, he would drop conversation and RUN out the door to take the call. He would do this so she couldn't tell he was out. We went camping last weekend with a bunch of couples. The sun had just went down and the campfire was going so me and Don each cracked a beer. She looks and him and says "Don you're drinking?". He was so confused. We all drink, we are partyers. If 10 people were there 8 had a drink in hand. Don looked so confused. He didn't want to make her mad but at the same time why did we all rent cabins in the woods if we can'r relax and throw some beers down? Everyone saw it and it was so uncomfortable. Every single time we see this chick its exactly like that. 

So Don provides you with a free house, puts up your daughter, is totally there for her and puts up with all your **** and he can't have some beers at a camping trip? Why do you have to make it so awkward for everyone all the time?

Another note. The GF's kid aka "daughter" is the single snottiest, most antisocial ***** any has ever been exposed to(she's 12 now). She is better than EVERYONE. You could never believe a kid could be this bad. EVER. 

So here's where the problem comes in. All of our friends are at wits end. We can't take it anymore. The situation is so ****ing outside of reality. But this GF is the mega control freak type where you better not dare question her about anything or it's going to be war. Even worse she got him doing her bidding now. When they are around we can't even talk about reality. We all have to play fantasy land because Don's been such a good friend over the years no one wants to make things bad for him. 

What's the point of having close friends if you can't talk about real **** in life and you have to dodge all the obvious questions all the time? I truly believe this situation will run it's course and they will split. Once the GF uses him for all he's worth she'll be out but that could take 4-6 years in my guestimate. 

My fear is my patience is running out and I'm going to mouth off and cause a huge rift. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I don't want to alienate my wife and I in that group of friends. What do you guys think? 


Final note: Don is extremely sensitive to this situation. He gets real defensive when you try to even approach it. IMO he's been brainwashed BAD.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Have a frank conversation with him. Ask him if he's really happy. Ask him is the fcking he's getting worth the fcking he's taking?

He needs friends to give him a wake up call and let him know he can end this dysfunctional relationship with little cost.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would ordinarily say that this is none of your business as Don is a grown man, but there have been cases of female sociopaths who control a guy, then alienate him from his family, friends to get her hands on the loot as it were. 
Perhaps, you and a group of friends should do an 'intervention' all at once, he wouldn't be able to ignore that. One on one will not work as he will just alienate you and say you are interfering. Include his parents also.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

So here's where it gets complicated. This guy is in so deep, that if any one friend approaches him that person will automatically be dead to him. He's in too deep. This is his "wife" and "daughter"(I just puked in my mouth a little) so he'll go defensive and choose them first. This GF and her kid are sociopaths. They are ****ing sick human beings. They don't represent any of the values in life that Don does. 

The only option would be an intervention as a group. Problem is 2 of the wives of the group actually like this girl. My wife IS NOT one of them. We believe these 2 wives like her because she is very establishment. They like that she is a party pooper. Why I don't know. But even fringe friends who aren't in that group that have hung out at social events are like "Yo what's up with that situation? Someone needs to say something". It's bad.

Now this isn't a new issue on earth. Friend/Sibling gets a significant other you can't ****ing stand. You learn to deal with it and many times stop being friends. I don't want to have to drop my closest group of friends at this stage in my life. Also me and Don started a podcast a few months ago that we really enjoy doing. It sucks because we do it a few times a month and everyone is always bugging us about when the new shows are coming out. So it's like a commitment thing I can't just walk away from without explanation.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Oh another thing. She tries to get him to have interventions with his friends. They are awkward and stupid. He's never been like that before. She sits back and watches his friendships crumble around him. Don has lots of friends and she can't stand it. She never singles out a specific person she doesn't like but you can tell she wants the friends out of his life so she can have total control so she's brainwashing him to becoming unlike able. He's told me they fight all the time and they've been in relationship counseling for over a year.

You aren't married, you don't have kids(that's not his ****ing kid), they have no money problems. WTF are you doing in counseling? Counseling is for real couples with real problems.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Wow she sounds like a right piece of work. 
Poor fella can't even have a beer when relaxing. 

Whatever you do, make sure he doesn't lose all his friends/family, cos that is exactly what she wants. She'll have more power if he has nobody. 
This saying is true, "the best way to dismantle a person is to isolate them"
Please don't give her what she wants or the abuse will get much worse for him. 

She's a classic abuser, putting him down all the time to wreck his self worth. 

Maybe one day he'll wake up & see her for what she truly is. 

Interference like an intervention might be disastrous & might be just playing into her hands. 

This is a tricky one, I would just support & help my friends emotionally until they wake up & start believing that there is better out there for them. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Wow she sounds like a right piece of work.
> Poor fella can't even have a beer when relaxing.
> 
> Whatever you do, make sure he doesn't lose all his friends/family, cos that is exactly what she wants. She'll have more power if he has nobody.
> ...



I believe you're dead on, an intervention of any kind by anyone will be viewed as a threat and will be a disaster. That will play into her hands. At this stage Don has Stockholm Syndrome and sympathizes with his captors. 


My fear is I'm going to lose my cool and say what's on everyone's mind and become that bad guy. I've been trying to keep cool for a long time. Even worse our podcast got an offer to join a syndicate this morning that would offer us much more exposure. Not mega big bucks or anything but a worthwhile break. It's ironic because I was just considering terminating the show over my relationship with Don. 

Typically whenever I have a friend in a toxic relationship who becomes impossible to communicate with I just create distance to keep things cool for me. Others do the same and that person finally realizes they are drowning in a sea of poop and get out. That or they dive in deeper and fall of the Earth. It's their choice. While you've got a great point about staying in it to help him, my patience is exhausted. Everyone has left subtle hints and put some writing on the wall and he doesn't read it properly. 

Example: He expressed to me he's mad that since his GF and "daughter" moved in, certain friends won't come over for sports events anymore. They always try to switch the venue to a bar or some other place. He's telling me this and I'm think "Geez man, take a hint".


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

So through talking to you guys and others, I've concluded that we(all his friends) are enabling a bad situation. We are giving him a temporary 'out' so he can feel like himself for a short bit. 

Example: When the two of them hang our with the group in social situations he uses is it as a safe place to smoke and drink. He is essentially daring her to tell him no in front of us and she won't right away. But as the party wears on you can see him having to go to elaborate means to hid how many beers he has and how many cigarettes. It so awkward. It's like a teenager hiding It from their parents. And Don is NOT a problem drinker. 


That's ok in some cases but this has gone on a long time(4ish) years and it's getting worse not better. I've also noticed a few mutual friends have drifter from the picture so. They've slowly slipped from the picture and I bet if I ask it's for the same reasons I've listed. I'm sure of it. They are good guys. 


This situation sucks. I need an out from the podcast, and it's a shame. I love the podcast. Also we do many things together as a group with all the couples. This is going to be so awkward.


Edit: Another conclusion. I already knew this, but she used the "daughter" as a weapon against my friend. She started early and often in the relationship. She did this because she never intended to treat him right, Marry him, have kids with him, being a fair sexual partner(we have reasons to believe there is little or no sex in the relationship), contribute financially(she's in about 100,00 grand in student loan debt and makes little money). So she "made him a father" because otherwise without the little girl as an anchor, she would be nothing but a ****ty girlfriend and he could kick her to the curb easily.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

OP, ask your buddy.

If she was my girl, what would you say to me about her and how she treats me?

I've used that a couple of times when a buddy has asked about their GF back when we were younger.

If they can say, You're so lucky to have her then she's a keeper.

If they keep silent and can't or won't come up with anything, well then you have your answer.

In the end, they have to make their own decisions and their own mistakes. Hopefully this one won't cost him 1/2 of all his assets in the end.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*

You're right @PersonInSpace he's getting an "out" with you guys. 
Let him "stew" with her full time & maybe then he will get enough of her demands & end things. 

Be there for him when he truly needs you at the end of their relationship, because knowing her type she will probably try to damage him with false lies & accusations. 

I hope he sees the light someday soon & you will one again have your good friend back. 

Wishing you good luck  

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*



PersonInSpace said:


> I apologize in advance for being such a long read. But it's really that insane.
> 
> So I have a good friend and I have a problem with his girlfriend. I'll give you background first.
> 
> ...



What is up with Don being either unable or unwilling to pay his own bills despite having been handed a mortgage free home? Does he have a full time job?


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

CH said:


> OP, ask your buddy.
> 
> If she was my girl, what would you say to me about her and how she treats me?
> 
> ...




That's on excellent approach. I can't just hit him with it out of the blue, but i'll keep that one in my back pocket.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*



kristin2349 said:


> What is up with Don being either unable or unwilling to pay his own bills despite having been handed a mortgage free home? Does he have a full time job?




Let's just say Don is the foul that has been fed by man. His parents just did too much for him over the years. If you're picturing rich kid spoiled brat that is not Don. Don's parents are just working class people that are selfless and love their kids to a fault. Don's Grandfather never spent a dime on himself and neither did Don's dad. Last I knew Don's dad was still driving a 2001 Impala with an engine knock. Don's parents live in a VERY modest home. 

Don is very smart and has 2 college degrees. I think his parents thought after college Don's education would pay off but it just doesn't. Don currently has a full time job and it's probably the best job he's ever had, but otherwise never worked jobs that matched his education level or potential. He never had to and never will have to.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

I've got a plan, at least the beginning of one. 


I'm closing a loophole on the podcast. We record/broadcast Wednesday nights. Typically Don stays after and we have beers. In fact he always stays way too long. It's very apparent he's a little too excited just to be out of the house and also he wants to get home when she's already in bed. He leaves my house usually when it's like 11:45 and I'm sitting there dozing off. I'm going to tell him he needs to leave so I can dive right into editing the podcast(which is true. I've told him this and he doesn't take the hint). 

So that's one escape I'll cut him off from. I think other friends in the group are going to have to do the same. He'll eventually have to realize she's made him choose his life vs her way.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*



PersonInSpace said:


> IMO he's been brainwashed BAD.


Not brainwashed, but PW'd. This will continue until he grows a pair and decides to stop it on his own.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*



Bananapeel said:


> Not brainwashed, but PW'd. This will continue until he grows a pair and decides to stop it on his own.


IMO being PW'd is a bit different. I've been PW'd before as have many guys I know. When you're being PW'd you're actually getting the 'P'. You're also being made happy in other ways, but at a steep price.

This chick has Brain washed him. On one hand he's expected to be father of the year(his actual words) while the real father walks scott free paying no child support. Then when he makes a comment about raising a kid she berates him in front of people saying things like "What would you know about that Don?". It's so twisted. Mind you she doesn't want to have his children, so it's not like she's resentful. She's ****ed up. 

I call it brainwashing because he can't just break up with her. He actually has been made to believe he has an obligation to this child that is not his. So no matter how bad he's being treated by the GF, to get out he would have to break with with the GF, the daughter and make them both "homeless". What a monster he would be to her family who has such high hopes for Don?


He's not going to dump her anytime soon. He's a happy go lucky type. Happy go lucky types never no what do to in situations where the other person is a total ass. My cousin in going through it , my brother in law is going through it. Difference is they both actually married and have kids together. That's a whole different level of commitment.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*



PersonInSpace said:


> The sun had just went down and the campfire was going so me and Don each cracked a beer. She looks and him and says "Don you're drinking?". He was so confused. We all drink, we are partyers. If 10 people were there 8 had a drink in hand. Don looked so confused. He didn't want to make her mad but at the same time why did we all rent cabins in the woods if we can'r relax and throw some beers down? Everyone saw it and it was so uncomfortable. Every single time we see this chick its exactly like that.


What did Don say to that? And why does he care if she gets mad?

Regardless, can you show Don through your own actions that it's okay to disagree and still be friends afterwards? Or to let him know you have his back when/if he needs but share with him, in a concise way, that while you understand he's with her, you're finding it's not an agreeable dynamic for you to be around and that's why you'll be backing away. If he's been your friend, doesn't he deserve to be told straight? Sure, you risk the friendship but it's a more assertive way than figuring out ways to wriggle out of the podcast etc. in the 'hopes' he figures it out. Why make him go through that - just speak your truth and let the cards fall. 

Maybe you're no longer friends as a result. Maybe you're no longer friends for a period of time. Maybe it teaches him (and you) that growth and authenticity can be simultaneously uncomfortable and worthwhile. You've got your path to walk. Don has his.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why are you friends with this guy?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

*Re: I have a problem with my good friends girlfriend - UPDATE*



PersonInSpace said:


> IMO being PW'd is a bit different. I've been PW'd before as have many guys I know. When you're being PW'd you're actually getting the 'P'. You're also being made happy in other ways, but at a steep price.
> 
> This chick has Brain washed him. On one hand he's expected to be father of the year(his actual words) while the real father walks scott free paying no child support. Then when he makes a comment about raising a kid she berates him in front of people saying things like "What would you know about that Don?". It's so twisted. Mind you she doesn't want to have his children, so it's not like she's resentful. She's ****ed up.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree with you on this one. I was once PW'd (first girlfriend) and I was only getting it about once a month. I was trying so hard to keep her happy to keep the tap open in the hopes it would be more often that I was about willing to do just about anything for her. Luckily, I had some friends that pointed out what was going on that I learned my lesson and ended things with her. After that I've never had a woman withhold sex or try to manipulate me for sex, since I probably project that it is a deal breaker for me. 

In reality though, there is nothing you can do for this guy. A man has to make his way in life in the manner he chooses. Some men are natural leaders in their lives and others are followers. It sounds like he is a follower and is satisfied with a relationship where he is giving up part of himself for whatever identity he has with his gf. At this point you should just accept it as his choice and if he decides to change, then support him. You don't really have a right to get involved in his relationship, unless he specifically asks you to.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Why are you friends with this guy?


And if you truly consider yourself a friend, why are you doing him the discourtesy of acting as if he's not a grown ass man who is capable of making his own choices?

Seriously. You and your other friends dislike his girlfriend. But he has, is, and perhaps will continue to _choose_ to be with her. Apparently, something about this situation is working for him. Otherwise, he'd end things and find a healthier situation. Wishing him better is one thing. Telling him that you dislike how he's being treated and wish he was in a healthier relationship is fine. You're even entirely free to stop hanging around with him - and to let him know why. But trying to manipulate situations so that he does what you all want him to is controlling. You cannot make him behave as you think he should. He's a grown man who gets to make his own choices, even if you're pretty sure it's a train wreck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tell him you are his friend NOW and will be his friend LATER when the ton of bricks that he carries on his shoulders finally diminishes his sight-line to grass-line. Pushed straight down.

Tell him once. Then let him be crushed. It won't be long. Or will it?

If he endures, then he is not the person you think he is. He may be inwardly aimless, indecisive...she provides the heading and course that he needs and wants....he just does not want to admit it. He is blaming her for the breaking off of friendships and activities. But maybe that is what he really wants.....or the majority brain wants.....the minority grey-matter is over-ruled by an Amazon Court of Appeals.

Talk is cheap....Action not Words, tell the better story.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Ok this will be a reply to both Bandit and Hearts



I'm friends with Don because he's a solid dude. He's smart, respectful of my wife and kids, and he's a party animal. He's a lot of fun to be around. The fact that he isn't saddled with the financial burdens the rest of us are doesn't make him a bad person and doesn't bother me a bit.


To Hearts: The thing is I'm not dealing with Don 1 on 1. We are a part of a larger group of friends that are intertwined. There's probably 18 of us total in this group. We go on like 3 camping trips a year, football parties, birthday parties and such. We have a ****ing blast together. This is the family that isn't family. Our kids are growing up together, I'm sure you get the picture. 

Side note: The only two wives that like her have something in common. Neither are getting the 'D'. One wife is low drive and her husband is high drive. The other wife is high drive and her husband is *no* drive. So they are both miserable and misery loves company. 

Besides that were all at wits end. We've had several conversations about who's going to be the one to tell Don. No one can conclude who's going to be the guy. Don is in heavy denial. He will immediately view this as an attack. He will first tell this GF what a jerk that person is, then they turn around and tell the group what a jerk that person is. Then it gets awkward as hell. Some people take sides, others know exactly what the problem is but don't want to be the bad guy so they stay neutral and Don continues not picking up hints. 


See typically friends that get a significant other that are a pain in the ass eventually "Fall Off". They start appearing less and less which is disappointing but ultimately it works for everyone. Then they either leave the trap and rejoin their friends or fall off for life. Don is trying really hard to force the square peg in the round hole. He's trying to have it both ways and it's ****ing painful for everyone. 

Don is the only one that can fix this. It's not going to change though. Me and wife may have to slowly bow out of that group of friends do to the insanity and it's a dam shame.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

Reply to everybody because these are good comments:


Don and I had a falling out a littler over a year ago. It happened because he brought me to his house to get me drunk and then try and have an intervention with me in the most awkward fashion ever. Turns out I'm like the 4th guy he's done this to.


Basically, if you act inappropriate towards or in front of his GF, she will make him confront the friend. It's awkward and it's totally not his style. And by inappropriate I mean act totally normal for the norm of this group. We get drunk, laugh and tell inappropriate jokes. It's what we do and everyone is on board expect ms. party pooper. So like the passive aggressive bitach she is she has him do her bidding. 

Basically I told Don to **** off. I told him what a little biatch he is. Then things got weird. People were forced to take sides. Every time I wanted to go to a friends house it was like "Oh are they going to be there?". Some of those people I've been friends with 20 years. It shouldn't have to be like that. We reconciled but he still doesn't truly get what caused it.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Any follow up?

Has someone sat him down yet and talked to him?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

So, you are part of a group of partyers who like to "crack open" a few beers. Your friend gets a girlfriend and wants to be a parent to her daughter and sees himself as such. She'd like his friends to stop drinking so much, and she'd like Don to stop doing it so much, too. I'm thinking she's not such a bad person... I'm thinking this is a case of the boys not wanting their fun lifestyle, which includes freewheeling Don, to change. 

She may not be great, but there's a ton of "demonizing" in what you wrote and the words you chose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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