# Fantasizing during partnered Sex...typical?



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Was interested in some feedback on what others on the forum think about fantasizing during partnered sex? Had a very interesting conversation with my wife last night, and it made me curious what others thought about this. For me, I cannot fantasize during partnered sex. I do not think my mind can go there, of if it did, it would not be able to be maintained. I find that I am mentally focused on what is happening, and could not have both that and a fantasy going at the same time (I did try once, and it went nowhere). My SO says that fantasizing during sex is a regular thing for her, especially when receiving oral, getting touched, during mutual masturbation, but not so much during intercourse. I have read online, that it is fairly common, but I have to admit, being someone who does not do this, it took me a bit off guard to realize how often she was. At first, I took it a bit personally as her need to visualize something more appealing, but then after a lot of internet research, seems it is so common, that it may be more linked to how a persons brain is wired to reach orgasm.

I know I fantasize for masturbation, and SO does as well, but for some reason, that seems so different to me then partnered sex.

It made me question, if some of the lack of intimacy I perceive is related to this?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some do, some don't. Some are bothered by it, some are not. Either way, there can be a lot of judgment about what other people do, especially a partner. I think if YOU are enjoying sex your way, and they are enjoying sex their way, it's all good. But I think you're onto something with the idea that different people's brains may be wired differently in how they reach orgasm.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife would never admit it but I would think she has .... or does. I reckon it’s pretty normal. It’s just fantasy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The cliche example of those that enjoy to fantasize during partnered sex would be those that enjoy role play. Some people if asked to role play find the notion of doing so to be too distracting if not possibly offensive. 

What can you learn about this? Well it give an indication of your mode of sexuality:

A) Sensation based
B) Partner based
C) Role Play

Those tend to be the three primary modes. A) might be your typical person that enjoys mediation and massage. B) might be someone interested only in a particular person (common romance theme). And C) is a person open to allowing themselves to experiencing new things from different perspectives different from how they identify themselves (sometimes celebrated as a masquerade party). 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

badsanta said:


> What can you learn about this? Well it give an indication of your mode of sexuality:
> 
> A) Sensation based
> B) Partner based
> ...


Is that a known thing, or did you just come up with that?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't, I hope my husband doesn't but I can't say for sure because I've never asked. Nor would I ask as I may not like the answer lol.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Married_in_michigan said:


> it may be more linked to how a persons brain is wired to reach orgasm.


Yes, and that seems like more of an involuntary "wiring" than something chosen by your partner.



Married_in_michigan said:


> if some of the lack of intimacy I perceive is related to this?


I would say no. Intimacy is a choice. Your partner chooses whether, or not, or the degree to which, he/she becomes intimate. It is voluntary.
The wisdom of the ages bears this out, a promise of intimacy is one of the bases upon which we take marital vows.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Is that a known thing, or did you just come up with that?


It is a concept discussed by David Schnarch in "Passionate Marriage" with the context of describing what the mind does during sex. The notion of eyes closed and eyes open is used to explore this further. Those that need to keep their eyes closed tend to be sensation based. Those that want to have their eyes open and see their partner are partner based. Then you have those that want to open their eyes further and experience what it is like as a couple to be someone else tends to be role play. 

Someone that is a sensation based lover will struggle to be compatible with a role play partner. The mental dimensions taking place for enjoying sex are at opposite ends of the spectrum. 

This concept might offer some helpful insight to the OP. 

Badsanta


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I wish my wife could fantasize. That would give her something to look forward to.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

badsanta said:


> It is a concept discussed by David Schnarch in "Passionate Marriage" with the context of describing what the mind does during sex. The notion of eyes closed and eyes open is used to explore this further. Those that need to keep their eyes closed tend to be sensation based. Those that want to have their eyes open and see their partner are partner based. Then you have those that want to open their eyes further and experience what it is like as a couple to be someone else tends to be role play.
> 
> Someone that is a sensation based lover will struggle to be compatible with a role play partner. The mental dimensions taking place for enjoying sex are at opposite ends of the spectrum.
> 
> ...


Interestingly, my wife and I both read a few of Schnarch's books, including the one you reference. It was based on a MC recommendation. At the time we read them (6ish years ago), the concepts really resonated with both of us, and we felt we understood each other much more, but like many things, as time passed we slipped back into old ways of thinking. I recently suggested we re-read them, but wife has not taken me up on that suggestion. Might give it another shot, as your post reminded me that his booked did address many of the topics that we struggle with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Was interested in some feedback on what others on the forum think about fantasizing during partnered sex? Had a very interesting conversation with my wife last night, and it made me curious what others thought about this. For me, I cannot fantasize during partnered sex. I do not think my mind can go there, of if it did, it would not be able to be maintained. I find that I am mentally focused on what is happening, and could not have both that and a fantasy going at the same time (I did try once, and it went nowhere). My SO says that fantasizing during sex is a regular thing for her, especially when receiving oral, getting touched, during mutual masturbation, but not so much during intercourse. I have read online, that it is fairly common, but I have to admit, being someone who does not do this, it took me a bit off guard to realize how often she was. At first, I took it a bit personally as her need to visualize something more appealing, but then after a lot of internet research, seems it is so common, that it may be more linked to how a persons brain is wired to reach orgasm.
> 
> I know I fantasize for masturbation, and SO does as well, but for some reason, that seems so different to me then partnered sex.
> 
> It made me question, if some of the lack of intimacy I perceive is related to this?


Just to add to your data.....

I use to early in our relationship.

I stopped when we both started reading marriage and sex books together and we connected with each other better.

It did represent a lack of intimacy on my part at the time.

I went along fine until a traumatic accident a few years ago.

I started experiencing ED, psychological, and having trouble having intercourse with Mrs. C.

I started imagining she was just a tart I was hammering and overcame the issue and she absolutely loved it.

I still occasionally imagine she is just a wanton trollop I picked up off the street or even a hotwife, married to someone else.

I never imagine she is an actual individual we know but just use vague concepts.

I don't do it all the time but often since the accident and it has helped.

Our sex life isn't what I would call better than before but it is still there and relatively healthy.

There is very obviously a wiring of the mind that is involved and it can change through our own determination, decisions, exploration or even through traumatic events. I would imagine extremely wonderful events in life could alter the wiring as well.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Interestingly, my wife and I both read a few of Schnarch's books, including the one you reference. It was based on a MC recommendation. At the time we read them (6ish years ago), the concepts really resonated with both of us, and we felt we understood each other much more, but like many things, as time passed we slipped back into old ways of thinking. I recently suggested we re-read them, but wife has not taken me up on that suggestion. Might give it another shot, as your post reminded me that his booked did address many of the topics that we struggle with.


I pulled mine copy the shelf when referencing that last post and thought to myself that I might give it another read. 

I kind of lost faith when he went into detail about differentiation by describing how he and his wife went hiking together. He was enjoyed hiking at a faster pace and would hike ahead and leave her behind. He would eventually stop and prepare a meal which would allow her to catch up and they would enjoy time together. This worked great for them. Once his wife did not show up for the meal and he eventually turned around and found her a few MILES back on the trail as if that was normal for them. I think he was using that notion to emphasize and brag about how they were differentiated, but it came across as if he was just impatient and had no qualms about abandoning his wife out in the wilderness while hiking. 

I go hiking with my wife all the time and she perhaps complains that I am the slow one. She slows down to my pace and we enjoy a nice talk. 

So if I re-read now, I do so a little skeptically 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Interestingly, my wife and I both read a few of Schnarch's books, including the one you reference. It was based on a MC recommendation. At the time we read them (6ish years ago), the concepts really resonated with both of us, and we felt we understood each other much more, but like many things, as time passed we slipped back into old ways of thinking. I recently suggested we re-read them, but wife has not taken me up on that suggestion. Might give it another shot, as your post reminded me that his booked did address many of the topics that we struggle with.


Passonate Marriage was one of the hardest books I have ever read. He more recent books are much more readable. I have found that his unusual approach is quite helpful in challenging the way I think about relationships.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Passonate Marriage was one of the hardest books I have ever read. He more recent books are much more readable. I have found that his unusual approach is quite helpful in challenging the way I think about relationships.


Another good book that was insightful for female sexuality was "Come as You Are" which is a very enjoyable read. One concept discussed in that book is the notion that the standard male model of sexuality should not be used to understand and troubleshoot issues with female sexuality. 

Take fantasies for example. For men there tends to be an obvious association between ideas and thoughts that are arousing because an erection helps us make correlations throughout life. Kind of like getting hit in the head with a hammer indicating, "now THAT is arousing!" Meanwhile women do not experience the same. Something can get them really aroused and they may be completely unaware when it happens, which makes it more difficult to make a mental association. So come time to fantasize that would indicate that women grow up without a clear road map as to what is arousing whereas men have an extremely defined mental map of turn ons. So if you are into books, the OP should give that one a read. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

"......Something can get them really aroused and they may be completely unaware when it happens, which makes it more difficult to make a mental association. ........."

Yes, I believe that "women" experience sex differently than men, but I also feel that we all experience sex a little differently and so there are few one-size-fits-most rules. Having said that, I find it hard to believe that anyone (man or woman) can get really aroused and be unaware of being in an aroused state.

One of my most vivid sexual experiences was driving a girlfriend and lover to a wedding in a rural area, having her tell me to pull the car over in a remote area and tell me that she had just ovulated and she absolutely needed me to bring her to orgasm. I smiled a lot later in the day at that wedding and at the following reception.

In my opinion even responsive desire females know (on some level) that they are aroused when they get warmed up properly. While women may not have as large a single piece of erectile tissue as men, they still have erectile tissue and other signs of arousal to provide them with feedback.


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