# Need help fast



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I really need some advice. Just some backstory....about 4 years ago my wife had an affair with my stepsons "father". By father, I mean sperm donor. When confronted about the affair, he ran away never to be seen again so his then pregnant wife couldn't find out. I primarily stayed because of my then 4 year old child. I wasn't prepared to destroy my childs world.

The issue now at hand is my 20 year old stepson. He is extremely disrespectful, lazy, and of very low intelligence. My wife has always been a very lousy parent. She doesn't take the time to discipline, she couldn't care less about their education, and she is very selfish to truly spend time with them. She is such an enabler of my stepson that I can't ask anything of him without her "protecting" him from me.
Ask him to cut the yard? Nope. Ask him to help clean up the house? Nope. Ask him to be responsible enough to watch his 9 year old brother? Nope.

As much as I have tried to help him, my wife "protects" him at every turn. I can't ask anything of him, I can't place expectations on him, I can't get mad at him for anything he does without it causing a huge fight between my wife and I.

As much as I hate to say it, he is a loser in every sense of the word and that will never change until my wife does. He is and will continue to be a financial burden on us for the rest of his life. With his low intelligence and desire for drug use, I don't see how he could ever be a productive and self reliant adult.

After another fight today, which was caused by me telling her that its not right that me, her, and my 9 year old are cleaning the house while he sleeps till noon, I've reached a boiling point. On top of my issues with her, having to deal with this "kid" is getting to much. He can disrespect anyone in this house at anytime without consequence. He does nothing to help, constantly fights with my 9 year old, and he's just not a kid you want to be around. 

My options are to stay and put up with it or leave. Honestly, if it weren't for our child, I would have left years ago. I'm so afraid how my child will turn out with her having custody.
Right now, the kids are night and day difference. She cannot "protect" our child the way she thinks she does hers. I spend time with my child, I sit down and help with homework, I have expectations of my child and it shows. I fear what will happen if she is left in charge. I fear that me divorcing her will damn my child to the same result my stepson is. 

I just don't know what to do. if I knew I could get full custody, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. i just can't shake the feeling that I'd be damning my child if my wife got custody. Thats why i've been putting up with this marriage for so long. I feel so trapped and need advice.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Most places are defaulting to 50/50 custody now, have you checked what is typical in your area? 

You aren't going to be able to change things and the more you try the worse it will get. She'll be more protective of her older son the more you push.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why put yourself into a lose/lose situation? I know it's frustrating, but he's not going to do as you ask and that only pits you and his mom against each other. So stop asking him to do anything. Step out of the conflict! Stop trying to control what you can't. Other protecting your family from physical and legal problems, leave him to his choices and repercussions. They'll hit bottom.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Why put yourself into a lose/lose situation? I know it's frustrating, but he's not going to do as you ask and that only pits you and his mom against each other. So stop asking him to do anything. Step out of the conflict! Stop trying to control what you can't. Other protecting your family from physical and legal problems, leave him to his choices and repercussions. They'll hit bottom.


I've tried but its so hard. Plus, I don't want my child looking up to him at all. I know this kid will crash and burn and I fear it will cost me huge financially. On top of that, he is an embarrassment to have around and his piss poor attitude, disrespect, and horrible hygiene issues are a bad reflection on me. The kicker is my wife knows he's a loser, she knows it for a fact. She lacks the balls to change. I don't know if its guilt or what, but I don't understand how she can just watch her child go down in flames and do nothing. She honestly thinks he is a normal 20 year old who will one day be a success on his own. 

I have tried so hard to stay out of it but I just can't do it as a parent. To top it off, this is really causing me to hate my wife. I honestly don't even think I love her anymore. I'm pretty much here for the sake of my child and I do all I can to put my stepson and wife idiocy to the side and deal with it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

First of all, a twenty year old male is almost a 'man'....will be so legally in one year when he reaches majority.

I believe it is time to put your foot down.

Tell [your wife and him] that he has one year to straighten up his life, get a job and move out.

Tell your wife that if he does not, if she does not support you in this decision, you will hit the bricks.

You will move out and start over.

Lay the man-log in her lap.

Let her raise the roof......it will let in fresh air.

Be firm...and do not back down. After a month or two, if no progress is shown, tell her the clock is still ticking, ticking down.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> First of all, a twenty year old male is almost a 'man'....will be so legally in one year when he reaches majority.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Agreed except I would give him 6 months max. A year is too long and a lifetime to a 20-yr old kid. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@hawx20,

He has a problem. He is lost and failing. No one wants to be a failure. Yet, you can't let his problem come between your family and relationship, neither can she. You need some tools and she needs some help, guidance, and assurance she won't lose him. Right now she's parenting through her guilt. She is more worried about negatively affecting her relationship with him than setting proper boundaries for him. He knows that, it's who she is, so it never works. Do you really think she wants him to fail? 

Ask her if she would like things to get better? Tell her with some tools and a few changes you can lessen all this friction and conflict in the family. 

Seek out a family counselor for you and her that deals with defiant adolescents. This can get better. Arguing, shaming, and resentment never work. Boundaries do. 

Here, for $2 it's worth every penny... Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

Best


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

As a mom, no one gets to call my child a loser or other names. That would be grounds for divorce for me. 
There's a lot of negativity there. Kids sense negative feelings towards them and it can hinder their motivation. 

My son has ADD and some issues that go along with that. I focus on his positives and try to build him up. 

My ex used to get on him too much for things like organization, forgetfulness, lack of attention. I defended my son. It created a huge wedge between me and the ex. Ex thought I needed to be harder on him and tough. He thought I was a push over and my son would fail at life. 

Anytime I would try to correct something ex would be there barking behind me putting in his 2 cents. It got where I spent more time defending my son and telling my ex to butt out than correcting my son. 

He also clearly favorited his bio child and focused all his positive on her. 

Now that I am away from ex my son is thriving more because the environment is positive and focused on building self esteem, realizing strengths and being understanding of weaknesses.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Well I'm not calling him that to be mean. I do have to call a spade a spade though. I wish he wasn't but that's the way it is. Disrespectful to the point it's shocking if he says thank you. He keeps bringing drugs into the house even though we've busted him several times. I can't trust him to be alone with our child because he bullies him. Even though he graduated, he is less intelligent than a 3rd grader. 

I would love it if she disciplined him like you did. She doesn't. He's cursed at us, told her to **** off, gotten a bit violent when he came home high. Let's not mention that I can't leave my wallet lying around because he has stolen money from me more than once. I have to take pictures of valuable items I have so I know he didn't steal them for money.

What exactly would you call That? A winner?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's 20?

Kick him out on his ass.

Hell, send her along with him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I would call that a kid who is in trouble and may need help to get out of it. Counselling, programs. 

Either way it's not going to be productive for you to be involved in things between her and him. She may be going so easy on him because she knows you really don't like him and her protective mommy side goes up. 
I let my son get away with a lot when I was with my ex because I didn't want him to butt in or know about it. 

I was a drug addict as a teen,arrested, got pregnant and dropped out of school. I was a lot of trouble. Had I been just called a loser and that I'd never amount to anything, I wouldn't have. People can get through anything with a little support. 

Pretty much everyone responds better to positive reinforcement. Very few people can accomplish what they need to if no one believes in them and just thinks they are a loser.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I have tried the positive approach. Didn't have much success. I've tried giving him goals and rewards, didn't work. Tried motivating him and nothing works. I've don't everything I can. Problem is, he wants everything handed to him on a platter. He wants maximum rewards with the smallest efforts. 

I understand teenage laziness and attitude. This is more. I do worry about his future and I know his issues can be corrected. That's where the whole issue lies. Instead of placing expectations on him, instead of placing goals and rules, my wife just wants to be his enabling buddy. He tells us **** off, she won't do anything. He brings drugs in the house, she doesn't care, he comes home high, no biggie. 

The whole thing isn't about me being mean or negative to him. It's a parent who refuses to be a parent and just enables vs a step parent who actually parents. I don't find his behavior and status in life acceptable, she does. 

Sorry, but I have higher goals for my children


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

It sounds like you and the son dislike each other. You can try to turn her against him but I don't think it will work, and even if it does, she will resent you for it. He is a grown male now and by nature males are territorial. Just kick him out...it's simple....and deal with the fallout. Or suck it up and put up with him. Or get a divorce. What ever you decide...the most important thing is that you follow through.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Yeah I have 2 options....leave or let him be king of my house. I'm not the ******* step dad. I've done my best to treat and raise him like my own. I stepped up when no one else would. She has fought me all the way. I can't even get mad at him for bringing drugs into the house.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

At twenty he should be long gone from your house unless he is in full time education.And speaking for myself,nobody but nobody brings drugs into my house,wife,children, nobody and the next time he does you should call the cops.
Your nine year old is watching everything and this loser is showing him an alternative to studying and working.Do you want to be back here in ten years with twice the problem.I mean this when I say call the cops and do not pay for his legal costs either.This would be a good time to start separating money,open your own bank account and don't allow anyone else access to it.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Yeah I've considered putting money aside. I don't want to dislike this kid, far from it. It's just so hard having an ungrateful and such disrespectful person living with you. He breaks most everything he's given and his response is "I don't take care of anything in this house because it's not mine". 

At this point, my concern is getting full physical custody of my child. I have access to his Instagram where he posts pictures of him drinking and doing drugs, I've taken pictures of drugs I find in his room, he has a long history of problems in school, truancy, and his actual education level is very telling. 

I tried so hard to raise him and teach him but with my wife fighting me and making me the bad guy all the time, it got to a point where it had to be saving him or saving my marriage. Everything was a fight. I treat my son exactly the same way when they were the same age but the difference is I have the final word with my child. The difference between them is night and day even at the same age. With him, she had the final word and what he is now is the result of that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would go the legal route to get custody of you younger son and then move out with him. Let the older kid and his mom implode. Tell him he has an option with you, but it will require rules. Whenever he's ready to live by the rules, just let you know. Maybe the kid will realize once you're not there to rescue everyone that this life sucks and he'll want to lift himself up to what you expect of him.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Family counseling might be the way to go. You really need to get a clear message to your wife that you are prepared to divorce if her son does not leave. Arguing will get you nowhere and just making it easy for them to make you look like the bad guy. See a lawyer, start sorting out paperwork and finances should you separate, get them in a room with a councilor, and lay it down as reasonable as you can. You don't need the hassle. There are plenty of other women available who don't have difficult children.


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

hawx20 said:


> I really need some advice. Just some backstory....about 4 years ago my wife had an affair with my stepsons "father". By father, I mean sperm donor. When confronted about the affair, he ran away never to be seen again so his then pregnant wife couldn't find out. I primarily stayed because of my then 4 year old child. I wasn't prepared to destroy my childs world.
> 
> The issue now at hand is my 20 year old stepson. He is extremely disrespectful, lazy, and of very low intelligence. My wife has always been a very lousy parent. She doesn't take the time to discipline, she couldn't care less about their education, and she is very selfish to truly spend time with them. She is such an enabler of my stepson that I can't ask anything of him without her "protecting" him from me.
> Ask him to cut the yard? Nope. Ask him to help clean up the house? Nope. Ask him to be responsible enough to watch his 9 year old brother? Nope.
> ...


Kick her out of the house and then teach that disrespectful ******* a lesson. If he wants to stay and live for free they'll be rules and his mom will have her own place if he wants to join her. 

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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Family counseling is the way to go. Make it non-negotiable. Just explain to your wife that you are unhappy with how things are, she can't be happy either so you want to fix things.


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