# Thank You for saving ME!!!



## Warrior44 (Aug 18, 2011)

I was previously under another screen name which, I prefer to remain nameless. The reason being. I have my nosey @ss daughter in law and my WIFE found out my threads on here and was keeping tabs on me..lmao
The daughter in law couldn't keep a secret to save her own life and is up in everyone business. Damned drama queens.

Anyway, after the wife left me 3 months ago. I learned about the 180 and started implimenting it. However, I've done some things wrong during it. I found myself at times, reasoning, begging, etc, etc with her and the things, I modified with the 180 backfired on me.
Some of the things, I done was be impatient, reasoning with her, of course, being her "doormate", etc, etc. She had a couple EA's and blames me for our marriage problems. 
I admit, there were alot of things, I've done wrong. Alot of it was out of lack of cofience and not knowing how to handle her or situations as they arose..

But you know, some of the hardest things that the human brain tells you to do, like reasoning, talking and telling them how much, you love them. When conflict turns into withdraw. It took me a while and especially this board for me to figure out the unconventioal ways of doing things. 
Like when a spouse is being irrational.

After this weekends latest blowup. The wife screamed at me and I tried reasoning with her. At the end of the conversation. She told me, she wanted a divorce. I said ok and hung up on her.
That night, the straw broke the camels back and I FULLY gave into the 180.
The next morning, she sends me another messag, ranting, telling me how I drove her out of her life.
As much, as I wanted to write back. I stayed silent.

Monday night, I taked to a woman on Facebook for nearly 3 hours. I think the daughter in law, told her, I was actually talking to another woman. because I walked through the house and into the bedroom, shut the door and they knew, I was on the phone that long. Later that night, the wife sends me an email asking me about our YMCA membership, if I paid the bill to re-activate it. I ignored the email. In the middle of the night, she sends me another email being snobby "Fine, I'll call them myself". I didn't reply.
Tuesday morning, after I haven't replied to her, not a word out of her. She calls me and actually talks to me. She tells me, she needs "time". I told her, I agree. I need time too. She was surprised by my reaction. i could tell by her voice, she was startled..lol
I kept quite through the whole conversation and then she asks me, if I'm mad at her. I said no, just frustarted. Maybe disappointed was more the word. But I told her, I had to go and hung up. A half hour later she calls me again, wonering what I am doing later that she hurt her shoulder out bowling with her boyfriend Friday night and wanted to know if I would go to the doctor with her. I told her, I had to go to the office that day. She seemed disappointed. I REALLY wanted to say, "Why don't you ask your boyfriend to take you"..lol But, I refrained. 

She knows and I told her, I will not work on us, if her boyfriend is in the picture. I love her more than anything. But, those are my boundries, I have set. She has to get rid of him and mean it.
I will not play second choice and I will not wait around for her. 

The thing is, she is noticing, slowly, where I used to be a doormat to her. I am quickly gaining my confience back. Alot of what saved me was the board and working out.
In the last 3 months she has been gone. I got off my fat butt and started walking 4 miles a day. I have lost 30+ lbs and she has taken notice. She expressed to me the other day about wanting to get back into the YMCA and work out with me.
I am leaving her on our family membership. But, I am not going to volenteerly call her and tell her it is activated. With her once a week calls. Unless she calls me, I won't tell her about it. I require her to ask. if she calls me next week and asks I will tell her, i done it last week and if she wanted to know. She should have called ME. I'm not waiting around for her.

By following the "180", "Letting Her Go", "The Fitness Test", "The Man Up" threads. I am quickly learning how to handle this woman for once and getting my old warrior mindset back to where it was years ago.

I did make a few mistakes today when she called. It was an ok conversation. But, I didn't shut up.
That was the biggest thing, I notice. When I am low key and shut up. She takes notice.

Also, I forgot to mention. I agree with everything she says and she isn't sure what to think.
When she said, "she felt we needed this separation". I agreed. When she said, "I don't know if I can trust you anymore". I agreed and said, I know, I don't know how anyone could trust me anyway. then she started defending me.
When she tells me, "you can call me anytime, you know". I told her, "you wanted your space, so I gave you what you wanted.".

When I keep my cool and remember what I've learned, things change for the better QUICKLY". When I get impatient and screw up. It's like, my gains are 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

Since, I made my decision to let her go. Things have changed fast. She is changing her tone a little and the last 2 days, I have heard more from her and positives than I have in 3 months.
Normally, she calls once a week, this week so far, twice.

When I first joined this board 3 months ago. I didn't think some of these things would work. Because I listened to reason. But when the other spouse isn't being reasonable and reasoning doesn't work. I threw in the towel and tried the unconvention wisdom and it's actually working.

I am willing to bet my next paycheck. I will hear from her tomorrow.

Thank you all for helping ME get my head screwed back on.
I know I still have a long ways to go and I'm sure, if I keep my cool and remember what I've learned and still learning. Things will get there. I know she loves me and wants to be with me. She is scared and in the fog.
That fog is slowly lifting.

Not to mention, I have to stay AWAY from being desperate and taking desperate messures. If I didn't do the things, I done being impatient a month or so ago. We probably would have been back together by now or damn close to it. But, nothing like impatience causing setbacks.

Jeff


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jeff,

Less is more.

Keep that in mind.

When you chase, you devalue yourself.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Warrior44 said:


> *She had a couple EA's*


Hold it right there. You may not have been husband of the year but she broke her marital vows and is still braking them by her continuing affair with the OM which may have gone PA (physical affair) for all we know.

Tough love Jeff. Don't allow her to come back to you unless she is willing to commit to total transparency which means all her FB, cell phone, and email passwords. If you don't you will regret it and she will leave you again. Trust me.


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## Warrior44 (Aug 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Hold it right there. You may not have been husband of the year but she broke her marital vows and is still braking them by her continuing affair with the OM which may have gone PA (physical affair) for all we know.
> 
> Tough love Jeff. Don't allow her to come back to you unless she is willing to commit to total transparency which means all her FB, cell phone, and email passwords. If you don't you will regret it and she will leave you again. Trust me.


Oh, I already told her that.
Plus, i left you a thread in the separtation forum on the updates.

She called tonight about 8pm and asked where I was When my buddy told her, I was gone and went out for the night. She was asking, with who and was surprised.

She also claimed she was gonna come over yesterday and bring donuts. I though, yeah right. She's been in hot pursuit of me lately. She must suspect, I am dating someone.
.
I guess, she is gonna come by in the morning.

If she starts talking about us. I'm still gonna be low key and just listen, not talk.
Mainly because I am discusted and frustrated

I'm tired of trying, until she is ready to and ready to put honest effort.
I'm setting bouneries, if we get to that point and she can take them or leave them.


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## Warrior44 (Aug 18, 2011)

Yep, I knew she didn't show up or no call...lol

She probably in shock over me going out last night.
What??? Me stay home and wait on her?

Not anymore.

I'm gonna head to the YMCA mhere in a bit.
It's a shame..she really wants to work out with me. But since she hasn't talked to me. I'm not going out of my way to let her know, I have the family membership activated.

You know, it's a damn shame.
My buddy Mike told me called, basically to check up on me, since i told her earlier, I wasn't going to be home, due to plans.

I'm doing ALL the things, she loves to do and her bf won't do with her.

But hey, I'm giving her what she wants...time and space.
I bet her cake isn't tasting very good right now and she doesn't know how to react to me, not sitting on my can anymore.

Plus, life is awesome!!!!
The kids are moving out in a few days, the house is clean and most of all............
It's QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When the kids move out..that'll be another thing she will want. She keeps yapping about wanting to come home, once her own kids are moved out.

I dunno, if I'll let her, at first.
Not without MC, bounderies set, etc.

it's not a matter of wanting her to come home.
I do.

But, i want her to come hoime, because she wants our marriage to truly work and wants to be with me and only me.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

What is 180?


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

Warrior44 said:


> ...the house is clean and most of all............
> It's QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wow! What's that like?


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## Warrior44 (Aug 18, 2011)

katc said:


> What is 180?


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


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## Warrior44 (Aug 18, 2011)

Duke said:


> Wow! What's that like?


Very different.
The kids STILL haven't moved out but they are working on it.
I am COUNTING the days!!!!


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