# Am I being unreasonable?



## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

So, my x and I separated about 2 months ago and she began seeing this guy 2 weeks afterwards. Painful, but whatever. Then the other night, she had him over the house while my daughter was sleeping.

Today I talked to her about this and told her I would not stand for this. I told her that if she wanted to see this guy (this really hurts, but i am willing to do it if it benefits my daughter), then I would either: A go over there and watch our daughter while my x went out or B pick up our daughter and have her stay the night with me.

My X yelled at me, told me I was being unreasonable and trying to stop her from having a life or meeting new friends. She said she didn't want to check in with me every time she hung out with someone. She also said it meant i didn't trust her and her judgment on men.

*sighs* So, am I really being unreasonable? Trust me, I make mistakes and am wrong. So please let me know. If I am not being unreasonable, is there a way to talk to her about this where it doesn't go back on her? Is there a way when I can stop her from claiming I don't trust her? It is partially true I don't trust anyone's full judgment when they are first involved with someone because infatuation tends to cause people to ignore things quite easily. But the reality is, she does put our daughter first the majority of the time. But everyone deserves to have some time for themselves.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why did you even ask her? Do you want random men to come into your house while your daughter is sleeping? What if one of them is a felon?

Grab your balls, pack your stuff and move back into the house. If she wants to go out till the morning then that's fine but don't let random guys come into the house. While you're in the house keep a digital voice recorder on yourself all the time, so this way she wont call the cops and claim a false domestic violence to kick you out of the house.

Did the divorce start? If not, technically she is cheating and you can file for divorce on grounds of adultery.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

If he's in a fault-state. But if he's in a no-fault state the adultery won't matter much. The only way it could impact her in a no-fault state is if he could prove she was neglecting or endangering the child while the cheating transpired.

Otherwise, yeah, I second what Mr. K said. Get back in the house. You have a right to equal access to it, and it's the best way to safeguard your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, I live in a no fault state. Honestly, I don't think moving back into the apartment is in my daughter's best interest. It would cause many fights and just be plain ugly.

At this point, I want what is best for my daughter. She has petitioned the courts for a divorce already. As far as I know, he has only been there once and she claims she won't have him over again and I really need to move on. Living in the same place as her would be reliving the last 5 years of hell all over again. 

My x isn't a bad person, she is just being stupid and her friends are enabling her to be stupid. So, the point isn't to completely piss off my x, but to ensure the best for my daughter. Trust me, I have a pair. But just because I have a pair, doesn't also mean I have to be a huge jerk about everything. I can also comprehend the future. If I move back in and cause a huge strife, the minute she can she WILL have guys over and it will be far worse.

So, instead, I need to handle this like a mature adult and I need to understand what is reasonable and what isn't. I also need to understand how to approach this situation so she at least understands the issues without her being standoffish. So in the future, when I don't have influence or say, she will not be stupid.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Take her to court prior to the finalization of the divorce for a temporary custody hearing. In it, you can state that if she isn't able to care for your daughter herself during the times of her visitation that you will be given first preference to care for her. If she defies the order she can be held in contempt of court. 

I've also heard other people mention a morality cause I think it is? Something you can include in the divorce to hinder her ability to bring other partners around your daughter I believe. I have very limited knowledge regarding that aspect though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I do not know anything about the morality clauses, but you are right SVL there is such a thing. I have read a few threads (wish I knew which ones) where they have put it in there that said ex cannot have any new partners around the children, something like that.

They mentioned the ability to do that up here as well.


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

I like the idea of me being given first preference to caring for my daughter during my x's visitation time. I think I could ask the lawyer to put that in pretty easily and my x wouldn't object.

Also, I am not sure the morality clause works very well. I read somewhere, maybe even this site, someone was saying it is hard to prove much it if you use things like boyfriend, and, if you word it too broadly, it really means that too many people are excluded from my daughter's life.

So.. I dunno, it sounds good, but I don't think it really amounts to much. For instance, if you say bf/gf (hers/mine), then couldn't the guy honestly be a platonic friend? and it can be very hard to prove otherwise. If you say member of the opposite sex, then that could include her grandfather/grandmother. Just not sure i want to draft up something that doesn't mean anything, esp if i can work it out with her to where she understands what i am saying.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

It is tricky. My STBXH has brought his gf around our son already and it makes me sick. Not because he has a gf - she can have him - but because he isn't even considering the impact it will have on our son. My son talks about the gf all the time, but my STBXH denies having one or bringing anyone around our son. Ugh! Frustrating. It's hard to give up control. It's hard to realize when they're with the other parent you have no control. I have lost many hours of sleep worrying about my son because I know he doesn't always make sound decisions regarding our son. He's not a bad enough parent that I can prove he's unfit, but I know he doesn't have our son's best interests in mind.

You can try to calmly talk to her about it and make your case, but understand she doesn't have to abide by anything you ask of her. Without the morality cause, she can have a different guy over every night and there's not a thing you can do about it. Doesn't sound like she will, but she can. And that's a hard pill to swallow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

SVL Yeah, I am with you an her having a bf. Her friends are being stupid. They encouraged her to get a bf after we had only been separated for 2 weeks. They encourage her to see her bf. They want her to bring her bf around with them.

I want to scream so badly at all of her friends and just kinda slap some sense into each one. My daughter is the one that is going to suffer. I start crying every time I think about that.

I mean.. I just want her to see the damage that she could be causing and her friends, instead of pointing it out, are saying I am being absolutely insane and it is perfectly acceptable.

No she won't have a guy over every night. She really isn't a bad person and I don't think she is unfit. Its just... she wants to do a couple of really stupid things.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Has she taken the court mandated parenting class yet that's required prior to a divorce with minor children involved? Some people have said it's a joke, but mine was not. I got a lot of great information out of it, and it addressed this issue specifically. Maybe it would knock some sense into her regarding these few poor choices she's making. I understand you keep saying she's a good person and a good parent, but the area she is making poor choices in is the one critical area she really can't afford to. This could have lasting effects on your daughter if she isn't willing to give your daughter the amount of time it will take her to heal from the divorce and transition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

SVL - supposedly those classes are a joke in michigan. at least that is what the lawyer said. but maybe you are right. maybe it would be a good thing to go to now and maybe a stranger saying it might really help. I guess, right now, its all i have to go on.

And it is one tough pill to swallow. She really is well-intentioned. Sadly she thinks that it helps to see if he is trust worthy. Its just hard to break through when her friends tell her that its ok to bring him with her to the park and with my daughter. when the friends ask to meet him. when they encourage her to take him with her and my daughter to other friends houses... i just start balling my eyes out just thinking about my what my daughter is going through.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

My ex was into the dating game two weeks after dropping the bomb on our marriage. We did up a separation agreement that neither of us will introduce new partners to our son for six months from separation and after that I have requested that she not introduce every new man that comes into her life to our boy unless she knows that it is serious and likely to be long term.

I still can't bear the thought of her with another man but I am slowly getting over her. But if her selfishness starts impacting on my son, I will be majorly p**sed off. Kids need time to adjust to separaton/divorce and do not need a new 3rd party to mess with their heads.

Google something like: new partner children divorce ...and you will find many articles with printing and showing to your ex. This should show her that it is not just jealously behind your reasoning and that many professional counsellers/psychologists advice against introducing new partners too soon.


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> My ex was into the dating game two weeks after dropping the bomb on our marriage. We did up a separation agreement that neither of us will introduce new partners to our son for six months from separation and after that I have requested that she not introduce every new man that comes into her life to our boy unless she knows that it is serious and likely to be long term.
> 
> I still can't bear the thought of her with another man but I am slowly getting over her. But if her selfishness starts impacting on my son, I will be majorly p**sed off. Kids need time to adjust to separaton/divorce and do not need a new 3rd party to mess with their heads.
> 
> *Google something like: new partner children divorce ...and you will find many articles with printing and showing to your ex.* This should show her that it is not just jealously behind your reasoning and that many professional counsellers/psychologists advice against introducing new partners too soon.


Thanks for the advice. I found a professional psychologists opinion and sent it to her. hopefully she actually reads it and at least understands where I am coming from.


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