# Stuck in R Limbo...



## createnewaccount (Apr 20, 2016)

It’s been 5 years since it happened. She cut off all contact and I have no fear of it ongoing or even relapsing. Objectively she’s done pretty much everything I’ve asked her to (no contact immediately, full transparency etc.) and was and has been very committed to rebuilding our marriage. On my end, I have made efforts and great strides in correcting my shortcomings in respect to our relationship, which she has noticed and thanks me for. We get along very well and, again, objectively, we’re in a very good place, especially compared to where we’ve come from. 

The problem is, I thought I was over it but lately I’ve been so fixated on what happened and I can’t seem to shake it. It hurts and depresses me and I wonder where our relationship is going. We moved away for awhile but now are moving back to our hometown, where he lives and works, and there is great potential in running into him, including her through work (they work in the same industry in a small town so their paths will likely cross from time to time at industry events etc.). She assures me she avoids him like a plague etc. etc. but it still kills me inside. I can’t ask her to switch careers because she’s spent her life building her career in this industry and, frankly, we need the money. 

Objectively we’re good, we get along, we laugh together, we hang out and don’t really fight, we communicate etc., but I don’t feel close to her. I don’t feel she feels close to me either. We have a pretty much non-existent relationship it seems, in terms of intimacy. I’m sure some of that is from the pressures of life, but it’s like we’re good friends and a good economic unit. Add to that, we have a few kids and I simply can’t imagine divorcing if only for their sake. I just feel so stuck and don’t know what to do. I’m sure the answer is “talk to her about this,” but I can’t bring myself to. I just get mad, sad, depressed, mind movies etc. thinking about this. 

People say around here it takes 2-5 years to get over an A. It’s been 5 years. Will I ever get over it? Feel so stuck and not sure what to do. If I figure what I should do, I’m not sure I have the energy, emotional or otherwise, to keep at this. At the same time, D is extremely impractical, if not impossible, from a financial/practical perspective, and more importantly, I can’t imagine doing that to the kids. And that’s the thing. We don’t fight etc. It isn’t a toxic environment for them.

Anyways, any insights, suggestions, shared experiences will be appreciated.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

My wife had an EA and potential PA 2 years ago and your post is like I was typing it myself. 

My recommendation: stay where you are, at least until the kids are older. Suck it up for the kids. That's what I'm doing. Don't let that other a#shole take your kids away from you.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

createnewaccount said:


> It’s been 5 years since it happened. She cut off all contact and I have no fear of it ongoing or even relapsing. Objectively she’s done pretty much everything I’ve asked her to (no contact immediately, full transparency etc.) and was and has been very committed to rebuilding our marriage. On my end, I have made efforts and great strides in correcting my shortcomings in respect to our relationship, which she has noticed and thanks me for. We get along very well and, again, objectively, we’re in a very good place, especially compared to where we’ve come from.
> 
> The problem is, I thought I was over it but lately I’ve been so fixated on what happened and I can’t seem to shake it. It hurts and depresses me and I wonder where our relationship is going. We moved away for awhile but now are moving back to our hometown, where he lives and works, and there is great potential in running into him, including her through work (they work in the same industry in a small town so their paths will likely cross from time to time at industry events etc.). She assures me she avoids him like a plague etc. etc. but it still kills me inside. I can’t ask her to switch careers because she’s spent her life building her career in this industry and, frankly, we need the money.
> 
> ...


Have you done any counseling?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah, have you been to any counseling recently?

Have you sat your wife down and told her how you are feeling? 

What you are feeling is very normal, and sometimes a good counselor can help you and your wife regain some of the the intimacy you lost. 

And by intimacy do you men sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy or both?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

createnewaccount,

Did you get a full and detail account of the affair, or do you believe she is still lying to you? The feeling that the wayward spouse is still holding out or still protecting the OM or still in love with the OM can keep the betrayed spouse in a state of distrust for years and years.

Did your WW take a polygraph or write out a timeline of the affair for you?

Did you expose the OM to his wife, family, professionally, etc?

Did you confront the OM?

Tamat


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## createnewaccount (Apr 20, 2016)

sixbravebulls said:


> My wife had an EA and potential PA 2 years ago and your post is like I was typing it myself.
> 
> My recommendation: stay where you are, at least until the kids are older. Suck it up for the kids. That's what I'm doing. Don't let that other a#shole take your kids away from you.


Thanks. I think that's what I'll do too.



Truthseeker1 said:


> Have you done any counseling?


Yes, we did some. It helped some.



bandit.45 said:


> Yeah, have you been to any counseling recently?
> 
> Have you sat your wife down and told her how you are feeling?
> 
> ...


I mean both. We've gotten counselling in the past and it did help. I really don't feel like doing it again but maybe it's necessary.

I haven't sat her down and expressed this. I know I need to. I just have little energy for all this.



TAMAT said:


> createnewaccount,
> 
> Did you get a full and detail account of the affair, or do you believe she is still lying to you? The feeling that the wayward spouse is still holding out or still protecting the OM or still in love with the OM can keep the betrayed spouse in a state of distrust for years and years.
> 
> ...


She gave me a full account of everything. When I pushed on details I couldn't find any inconsistencies. This includes when I asked her again after a long time to tell me everything. I don't _think_ she's lying to me but at the same time, I'm not convinced she's told me everything. Part of her account of what happened isn't completely realistic to me, and judging from what others have said here, would not be realistic to others either. I admit a part of me fears more happened than I've been told and I'm a sucker for believing what I've been led to believe. I've expressed this to her and she says she understands my feeling that but maintains she is being completely forthright. At this point, even if there is more to the story, it would probably be impossible to find out, unless she spontaneously told me something more.

I did confront him, and their contact cut off at the same time.

No polygraph. She was willing to take it though when I asked for it, and I even make an appointment, which she was willing to take. But an actual polygraph is of dubious worth. They aren't very reliable.

No exposure.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=92kDUiN1zLQ

Your kids will be angry at you for wasting your life, especially the prime. Now, it likely isn't bad for them since you don't seem like you are fighting, but kids are resilient and this is your life you are talking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

Write down all your concerns and whatever else that's keeping you in limbo. Word it in a way that would not hurt your wife or make her withdraw from opening up. Then have a heart to heart with her. Be open and vulnerable to her. Let her really see you. Get more marriage counseling, a different counselor if necessary. 

And the $64,000 question is: have you forgiven your wife and told her so?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

createnewaccount said:


> Objectively we’re good, we get along, we laugh together, we hang out and don’t really fight, we communicate etc., but I don’t feel close to her.* I don’t feel she feels close to me either. We have a pretty much non-existent relationship it seems, in terms of intimacy. I’m sure some of that is from the pressures of life, but it’s like we’re good friends and a good economic unit.*


CNA,

6+ years out here in R, I know the feelings.

It's complicated Huh? I suspect early on in R your WW was really trying, probably 150% effort. She was knew the cost if she didn't. You were in the Captains Chair and you knew it, liked it. As the years roll by, she get a little more comfortable that all is well (your not D), she starts to coast a little. 

Understand.... At DD, the BH holds all the cards when his WW desperately wants to R. The Balance of Power shifted in your direction. She is forced to meet you at your end not in the middle. However, that trump card (her Affair) diminishes as the years roll on by. Remember you chose to R, forgive, move on. 

But... the affair changed you at the core, the way you perceive trust (honest?).

Any long term consequence for her? Nope, all sins forgiven, just a minor detour off the pavement. She has her marriage back, the kids, the house, the job, and a H that's agreed to Love her and forgive her. Sounds like R.

Any Consequences for you? Let's just agree... Limbo?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RWB said:


> Any long term consequence for her? Nope, all sins forgiven, just a minor detour off the pavement. She has her marriage back, the kids, the house, the job, and a H that's agreed to Love her and forgive her. Sounds like R.
> 
> Any Consequences for you? Let's just agree... Limbo?


I can validate this. I cheated on my then GF with a ONS. Drunk, but no excuse. I married my GF 9 months later. Still married after 23 years.

The marriage is at a low point. Recently I told her I wanted to work on the marriage and we had a fight over that. She brought up my cheating from 24 years ago. She never forgot. Me - I honestly had not even thought about it AT ALL for at least 10-15 years.

I now believe a lot of the marriage difficulties we had along the years were due to what I did. She never forgot. I did.

Sorry that I cannot help you. Just giving you some insight into what your wife might be thinking about - or NOT thinking about.

Don't do what my wife did. You need to work this out NOW and not live an unhappy life that you will regret when you are older.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

I'd describe what you're going through as an "emotional ceiling"; resulting from your lingering resentment and lack of trust. I'm all too familiar with it. Other than marriage counseling, I'm not sure what to suggest to you.

But I will say this; assuming that ceiling may be permanent, you have to take stock of your life and decide whether to just accept it or not. Apparently your wife is. 

Your age, children, finances, length of time you've been married, quality of sex, how independent you are, how well you get along now vs. how well you got along before her A - all those things should be considered. Believe me, I'm aware of how difficult that decision can be.

Wish you the best.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

createnewaccount said:


> I'm not convinced she's told me everything.


This was a tough one for me too, but one of the things you will have to accept is you will likely never get the whole truth details, sad but true. Try talking to her and more counseling, but I would also set a time limit by which to make a decision by.... Best luck to you , yes this stuff is horrible


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

" I'm a sucker for believing what I've been led to believe." That's your problem, you are worried that you are going to be judged as a sucker.

you want your marriage, your wife is doing what needs to be done, you have kids.

Yes, you may be a sucker. But you have to override the fear of being found to be a sucker with the noble reasons why you are choosing to rise above it all. Override those negative thoughts and replace them with thoughts about you being strong enough to do the right thing. Go all in on your marriage without any guarantees.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

createnewaccount said:


> It’s been 5 years since it happened. She cut off all contact and I have no fear of it ongoing or even relapsing. Objectively she’s done pretty much everything I’ve asked her to (no contact immediately, full transparency etc.) and was and has been very committed to rebuilding our marriage. On my end, I have made efforts and great strides in correcting my shortcomings in respect to our relationship, which she has noticed and thanks me for. We get along very well and, again, objectively, we’re in a very good place, especially compared to where we’ve come from.
> 
> The problem is, I thought I was over it but lately I’ve been so fixated on what happened and I can’t seem to shake it. It hurts and depresses me and I wonder where our relationship is going. We moved away for awhile but now are moving back to our hometown, where he lives and works, and there is great potential in running into him, including her through work (they work in the same industry in a small town so their paths will likely cross from time to time at industry events etc.). She assures me she avoids him like a plague etc. etc. but it still kills me inside. I can’t ask her to switch careers because she’s spent her life building her career in this industry and, frankly, we need the money.
> 
> ...


From what you say CANA, there are many positive aspects to your marriage. If you are good friends, can laugh and enjoy each other's company isn't there intimacy in tha?

You need to get you mind out of the negative rut, maybe you need a spell in IC.
Share this with your wife so she is sensitive to what is happening with you but also try to focus on what is good about your relationship and go from there.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Reading between the lines, I think a big thing that bothers you is that you didn't get the truth because there were inconsistencies & things that are hard to believe. I would go as far as to say you're quite sure you didn't get the truth. And that makes you feel you've been taken for a fool which in turn makes you feel you have lost some of your self-respect & some of her respect. Nobody wants to be taken for a fool. 

I suggest that you post the inconsistences & things that are hard to believe on here. Posters can pick it apart & give you a series of questions you can ask her, without warning. Preface it by telling her that you know you're not getting the 100% truth & you're giving her this one & LAST chance to tell you & that no matter how bad it is, you absolutely must have it because you need it to move on from this & haven't been able to, even after 5 years. 
She will know polygraphs are unreliable & will tell you that if she fails it. So a polygraph is neither here nor there. 
A depressed Dad is no good for his kids. How old are they? 
I'm so sorry that you have wrestled with R for 5 years & are still in pain. And very tough that she & you! will likely have contact with OM when you move back.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Your marriage is a business arrangement. 



createnewaccount said:


> Objectively she’s done pretty much everything I’ve asked her to (no contact immediately, full transparency etc.) and was and has been very committed to rebuilding our marriage.


The reason she did all this was to maintain the stability you provide. Again, a logical business calculation.



createnewaccount said:


> On my end, I have made efforts and great strides in correcting my shortcomings in respect to our relationship, which she has noticed and thanks me for. We get along very well and, again, objectively, we’re in a very good place, especially compared to where we’ve come from.


No exposure and her reputation intact. Her affair improved her life from her point of view.



createnewaccount said:


> We moved away for a while but now are moving back to our hometown, where he lives and works, and there is great potential in running into him, including her through work (they work in the same industry in a small town so their paths will likely cross from time to time at industry events etc.). She assures me she avoids him like a plague etc. etc. but it still kills me inside. I can’t ask her to switch careers because she’s spent her life building her career in this industry and, frankly, we need the money.


The re-emergence of the OM is making you feel like a loser. Here you are still paying full price for no sex while he got better sex for free. You need to get a divorce. If you can’t afford to live apart then don’t.

Get a divorce and remain living together. If both of you have a job then you’re paying an income tax marriage penalty. Divorce and look into one of you filing as a single head of household. You can continue your friendly business relationship and raise the kids. When the youngest turns 18 you can go your separate ways.

This way your wife will have paid a price and you can regain some self-respect. As it stands now your wife got a better relationship with you (as opposed to what it was before her affair), the OM got great sex and you were left with a turd. You can’t polish a turd.

EDIT: Since you're going to move anyway, look for a duplex. That way both you and your ex-wife can file as a single head of household.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She lied to you five years ago, has not had exposure or a poly (the parking lot is the utility, nobody cares about the science of them) and your gut is screaming to you what you probably know deep down.

Your intuition that something may happen when they meet is spot-on. She's lied to you before, why now do you trust her 100% that she hasn't been in touch with him?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

createnewaccount said:


> Thanks. I think that's what I'll do too.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It appears much of this was carpet swept and zero consequence for your W infidelity. You have many unanswered questions thus not completely healed after 5 year.

Advise your W were you are with this issue, moving and the relationship that appears to be room mates. Your W should also realize moving back to the place this had occurred is nothing short of a bad idea.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

To be honest with you my friend you are not going to feel any better,sorry

Do you know why is that ? 

She is coming back to him and I am not saying she will cheat again but she will see him every day and she will remember "happy times" that both of them shared,talked and laughed about,while you are at home trying your hardest not to cry and act like a strong man.

You are going to ask yourself over and over where is she and what is she doing,belive me when I say this. This is not a good way to live your life. 

Then there is other thing. She will have to cut of your rule of "No Contact" because she will work wih him in some way.

Stay strong


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