# My husband suddenly doesn’t want sex



## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

First, some background. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We have been happy and for the most part we get along very well. 

For most of our marriage, he has desired sex more frequently than I have. I have always enjoyed it, and we had an enthusiastic and adventurous sex life, but he would have liked it to be a couple of times a day, whereas I was happy with a couple of times a week. We usually were able to compromise enough that we weren’t fighting actively about it, but I can’t say there weren’t times that he felt unfulfilled. 

About a year and a half ago, I guess because of some perimenopause hormones, my sex drive went haywire and I couldn’t get enough sex. For a while, my husband seemed like his dreams had come true, and the only issue was trying to make sure we weren’t neglecting other aspects of our lives. 

But for about the last three or four months, my husband has started barely wanting to have sex at all. I tried to talk to him about it once, but he got really uncomfortable and insists everything is fine. He did state that we have been having a lot of sex lately, implying that maybe it was too much. Since I had become the initiator, I completely backed off at that point to let him take the lead. Now we are only having sex once every couple of weeks in the morning, and to make matters worse, he never touches me with affection anymore either. I feel very lonely and disconnected. I have tried dressing sexier, wearing less clothes around the house, and flirting and he doesn’t seem to notice. I don’t know if it’s because he’s just not attracted to me, but why suddenly? I have not changed a lot appearance wise, and although I don’t look 25, I am in good health and my weight is about the same. He is also healthy and is not on any new medications. He does take a blood pressure pill, but he has been taking it for many years. He is not overweight and is healthy otherwise. We are both in our early 50’s. And there’s no way he’s cheating. With a quarantine and him working from home now, we usually go out together for shopping and walks, driving the kids places, etc. He is not out by himself enough to make that happen.

I don’t know whether to try and talk to him about this again, or if it will only make things worse. I have only mentioned it to him the one time, except I did say to him before his checkup a couple of months ago that I thought he should ask his doctor for bloodwork, and talk to him about anxiety. I don’t think he did either. Should I keep pushing it? I don’t want to become a nag or make sex seem like a chore. I do wish he would try to talk to his doctor but I don’t know how to make that happen. And I am becoming increasingly frustrated. Should I just accept that this is is the way things are now?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Well I seem to be in a similar position, and in a marriage of similar duration.

We had a decent sex life, then perimenopause hit and sex was off the charts. Although exciting and wild, my husband then became a selfish lover, leaving me seriously frustrated. Then after the initial boost, once a week sex became a chore for him.
I think my husband lost confidence in his performance. 
Talking didn't help.
I got resentful. 
Eventually I managed to lose my sex drive and we are more comfortable now.
Sorry I have no answer for you.
I will be watching to see other responses.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I wouldn't nag him, but I WOULD talk to him.
A few possibilities: He wanted sex 3-4 times a day WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, and I BET that he "thought" that it would be awesome with the menopause-crazed sex life that you provided.
Well, he may have realized he is NOT 20 or 30 anymore, and may have just been "Oh crap, I can't keep up". 
The BP medicine, although he's been on it for a long time, may have affected his libido, and if not that, his, umm ability to perform. He MAY have ED and is too embarrassed to talk to you about it.

Another: could he be "overdoing" porn? It may surpress his desire for REAL contact with you...

Just a few ideas. VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I wouldn't nag him, but I WOULD talk to him.
> A few possibilities: He wanted sex 3-4 times a day WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, and I BET that he "thought" that it would be awesome with the menopause-crazed sex life that you provided.
> Well, he may have realized he is NOT 20 or 30 anymore, and may have just been "Oh crap, I can't keep up".
> The BP medicine, although he's been on it for a long time, may have affected his libido, and if not that, his, umm ability to perform. He MAY have ED and is too embarrassed to talk to you about it.
> ...


I don’t think it’s porn. We spend too much time together. I wouldn’t say he’s never looking at it, and I wouldn’t be upset if he was. But he’s certainly not spending a lot of time with it.


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> Well I seem to be in a similar position, and in a marriage of similar duration.
> 
> We had a decent sex life, then perimenopause hit and sex was off the charts. Although exciting and wild, my husband then became a selfish lover, leaving me seriously frustrated. Then fter the initial boost, once a week sex became a chore for him.


sorry to hear it. Hope things get better for both of us


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## m2r2 (Apr 29, 2020)

I’ll give you my opinion on this from personal experience.

I am a guy in my early fifties with high drive. Always joked with my wife having two like her would balance things in bedroom. Before pandemic my daily routine was gym at 5 am, work and home by 6 pm. 5 days per week for last 15+ years. With work from home and gyms closed by April I had noticed my erections not being the same and as frequent. I knew work outs made a difference and researched about work outs and physical activities effect on our bodies and sex drive. Turns out that testosterone level doubles when you are physically active and use your muscles. For last few moths I’ve been doing some early morning workouts and I am back to normal. Roughly 30 minutes of early morning work out made a huge difference for me.

I hope this leads you some where but he should be the one noticing changes and reacting to it first


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

m2r2 said:


> I’ll give you my opinion on this from personal experience.
> 
> I am a guy in my early fifties with high drive. Always joked with my wife having two like her would balance things in bedroom. Before pandemic my daily routine was gym at 5 am, work and home by 6 pm. 5 days per week for last 15+ years. With work from home and gyms closed by April I had noticed my erections not being the same and as frequent. I knew work outs made a difference and researched about work outs and physical activities effect on our bodies and sex drive. Turns out that testosterone level doubles when you are physically active and use your muscles. For last few moths I’ve been doing some early morning workouts and I am back to normal. Roughly 30 minutes of early morning work out made a huge difference for me.
> 
> I hope this leads you some where but he should be the one noticing changes and reacting to it first


Thank you! This is great advice. We’ve been talking about starting to work our together more seriously and I’m going to push that forward for both our sakes. It definitely can’t hurt!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

@jlg07 may well be right, it's too hard to admit he isn't 22 any more. To your credit, you realized age is playing havoc w/ your body in that department and have rolled with it. Maybe you can point out there's no shame in aging, and whatever is going on you would take it better than wondering.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Calling @SimplyAmorous (miss you!)

ETA for background, she was a prolific respected poster who had a similar experience and I would hope she chimes if she still logs in.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Early 50's he is also likely experiencing Man-o-pause. As pointed out by another poster, if he is not physically active, and with testosterone lowering, fatigue, lack of interest in sex are all part and parcel. May want to do some research on your side to see if it aligns, prior to approaching him with the idea.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I think it could be a simple case of wanting what we can't have...but in reverse. I like being the initiator with my wife. Don't get me wrong..I love it when she initiates, but only occasionally. Men want to be the pursuer, especially when it comes to sex. I'm sure there's some psychobabble theory out there that somehow ties this back a caveman mentality. But you may be taking away the chase for him and in turn, taking away the fun. Just my two cents.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

I would ask you if something has changed? Did you have any other issues in your marriage? Have you gained weight? Or had any other bad arguments? Any of these things can change how a man feels towards sex. JMO from a past situation


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I think the testosterone my be an issue probably because of no activity, or maybe age. I also think that he could be a little depressed as well, lots of people are. 

I would advice talking to him. Arrange to be undisturbed, not kids if you have them. And try to be strong but not insulting or anything. 

Somehow you need to ask, "Hey, I really am worried that something is wrong between us. I really want to talk about it." 

And, don't take no for an answer about this, impress how concerned you are about HIM and YOUR relationship. 

I am not saying it is easy to have these talks, esp for some men, but really try to get him to open up...


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

Rooster2015 said:


> I would ask you if something has changed? Did you have any other issues in your marriage? Have you gained weight? Or had any other bad arguments? Any of these things can change how a man feels towards sex. JMO from a past situation


No. We are actually getting along great. no weight gain. No real arguments. And what’s odd is that none of those things have ever affected our sex lives in the past. Arguments, my not looking my best, pregnancies, job stess- didn’t matter he was always ready to go. We have been married 25 years so we have had good times and bad times like most marriages but has never waivered, at least not on his end.


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> I think the testosterone my be an issue probably because of no activity, or maybe age. I also think that he could be a little depressed as well, lots of people are.
> 
> I would advice talking to him. Arrange to be undisturbed, not kids if you have them. And try to be strong but not insulting or anything.
> 
> ...


 Maybe. We talk about everything but he seems so uncomfortable when we discuss this.


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> I think it could be a simple case of wanting what we can't have...but in reverse. I like being the initiator with my wife. Don't get me wrong..I love it when she initiates, but only occasionally. Men want to be the pursuer, especially when it comes to sex. I'm sure there's some psychobabble theory out there that somehow ties this back a caveman mentality. But you may be taking away the chase for him and in turn, taking away the fun. Just my two cents.


I have backed way off but things haven’t really changed for the better.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am in perimenopause too, so can relate to what you're feeling right now. Mine is slightly different in that I have peaks where I can't get enough (my poor husband lol) and then troughs where I have precisely zero interest in ever having sex again. So my husband gets a rest before the next wave, it's a bit of a rollercoaster lol.

Could it simply be that you are literally wearing him out? I think that would be the case for us if I didn't have my troughs.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckygirl13 said:


> Maybe. We talk about everything but he seems so uncomfortable when we discuss this.


It is a blow to manhood since Low T comes with difficulties with erections. He may be fearful and avoiding the idea of ED when it is probably low t. I have been taling injections since i was 37. 

Sex in morning is another sign as T is highest in morning.


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## Luckygirl13 (Sep 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is a blow to manhood since Low T comes with difficulties with erections. He may be fearful and avoiding the idea of ED when it is probably low t. I have been taling injections since i was 37.
> 
> Sex in morning is another sign as T is highest in morning.


I am wondering about this as well. Is this something you can buy over the counter or do you have to see a dr?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blood test for testosterone levels and then prescription. I gave myself a shot last night. Testosterone cyphenate is considered a controlled substance due to abuse by body builders and sportsmen.

It makes a world of difference in one with low T levels...men and women. 
I have wondered if pe considered LD may produce lower T levels.

It makes me sad that older men and women accept, to me a sexless marriage, when they just neet to get on HRT therapy but refuse to...so they make their spouse suffer needlessly.

I believe a LD spouse could become like a teen boy with a little testosterone.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

A lot of GPs as well as GYNs are uncomfortable prescribing HRT because they are not very familiar with it. They may even blow off requests. Find a wellness Dr that will prescribe. I get mine done at a local Urologist who also takes T replacement and is educated in HRT.

My wifes GYN after complete hystorectomy said she did not need anything other than estradial. She was messed up hormonally. The Chief Oncologist at the Womens Cancer Center at Baylor Medical Center in Dallas said BS! Women should continue HRT with all 3 estrodial, testosterone and progesterone. Peogesterone does a lot more than just the cycle and pregnancy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Blood test for testosterone levels and then prescription. I gave myself a shot last night. Testosterone cyphenate is considered a controlled substance due to abuse by body builders and sportsmen.
> 
> It makes a world of difference in one with low T levels...men and women.
> I have wondered if pe considered LD may produce lower T levels.
> ...


So BECAUSE bodybuilders/sportsmen abuse this, certain state do NOT allow a person to do their own injections -- you may have to go to the Dr office to do that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Luckygirl13 said:


> Maybe. We talk about everything but he seems so uncomfortable when we discuss this.


So, this is VERY important -- you guys NEED to be able to talk about this stuff, especially if it's ED or something similar. He we be uncomfortable and VERY embarrassed about this (male ego and all that!).
Please try to get him to talk about it and in a nice calm, loving manner. Things like this CAN be fixed, but he has to come to terms with it himself (if indeed this is what the issue is).


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> So BECAUSE bodybuilders/sportsmen abuse this, certain state do NOT allow a person to do their own injections -- you may have to go to the Dr office to do that.


Tx and Okla will write you a script. I get a 10cc vial and syringes and do it myself. There should be no different process than pain pills scrypt.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I did my own shots for a few years. Quite a lot of pain for someone who didn't give a damn.


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## Together25yrs (Nov 16, 2020)

Luckygirl13 said:


> First, some background. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We have been happy and for the most part we get along very well.
> 
> For most of our marriage, he has desired sex more frequently than I have. I have always enjoyed it, and we had an enthusiastic and adventurous sex life, but he would have liked it to be a couple of times a day, whereas I was happy with a couple of times a week. We usually were able to compromise enough that we weren’t fighting actively about it, but I can’t say there weren’t times that he felt unfulfilled.
> 
> ...


I am facing a similar issue in my marriage of over 20 years. I don't think I have low testosterone because I still masturbate, but it seems that sex has become too routine...my wife used to initiate sex, but she was understandably upset when I would not be in the mood. We talked about me initiating sex and that worked for a while, but for me it puts more stress on me between sexual encounters because I know she is counting the days since we last had sex. The lack of sex and intimacy in general has really placed a strain on our relationship. She complains that I don't share my feelings often enough, but sometimes I feel she misinterprets what I say so I shut-down even more. It sounds like you and your husband have a pretty good relationship, so maybe it just boils down to stress. I think a lot of men my age (mid-50s) may have gone through most of their lives stress free and don't recognize just how stressed they are. Not sure if that's the issue with your relationship, but it could be that among other things. Keeping open lines of communication seems like the best approach. There is a fine line between nagging and gentle reminders. It took me a while to seek counseling, but I finally did. I can't say it was the be-all-end-all solution, but it did help me to sort out a few things in my own mind. Good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckygirl13 said:


> First, some background. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We have been happy and for the most part we get along very well.
> 
> For most of our marriage, he has desired sex more frequently than I have. I have always enjoyed it, and we had an enthusiastic and adventurous sex life, but he would have liked it to be a couple of times a day, whereas I was happy with a couple of times a week. We usually were able to compromise enough that we weren’t fighting actively about it, but I can’t say there weren’t times that he felt unfulfilled.
> 
> ...


Seems like maybe Low T. Morning time a mans T levels are higher and more aroused and able to maintain firm erection. With Low T comes a lack of interest in sex. I could have had the entire Playmate calander girls standing in my living room and would have asked them to move they are blocking the TV. I started T injections at 37, he is long past age where his T levels may be falling.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Together25yrs said:


> I still masturbate


Maybe slow down on this to save some for your wife?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

So Married said:


> Maybe slow down on this to save some for your wife?


RIGHT...?!?!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Good luck! When I went thru perimenopause I had sex dreams frequently and I was so sexually frustrated. I actually do not have sexual feelings for my husband so if you do, good for you! My dreams were not of my husband. I did not cheat but I knew I could not stay. There was alot that lead up to me having no desire for my husband. I am currently seeing a doctor (dating him) who understands the high sexual drive that I have due to the hormones and all I can say, is it is amazing to have this part of me fulfilled.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Luckygirl13 said:


> First, some background. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. We have been happy and for the most part we get along very well.
> 
> For most of our marriage, he has desired sex more frequently than I have. I have always enjoyed it, and we had an enthusiastic and adventurous sex life, but he would have liked it to be a couple of times a day, whereas I was happy with a couple of times a week. We usually were able to compromise enough that we weren’t fighting actively about it, but I can’t say there weren’t times that he felt unfulfilled.
> 
> ...


I'd echo what a lot of the guys on here have said. I am in my late 50's and a few years ago began work behind a desk. Over time I noticed my erections weren't as hard and that lead to a bit of apprehension when we'd have sex. I know my wife noticed but we were still getting the job done. My desire for sex was decreasing also. We went on a weekend getaway and I plain couldn't perform. She was great about it which made me feel worse in a way.
Anyway, I got on viagra and went back to lifting weights as some of the guys here have mentioned and things are a hell of a lot better. I was able to ditch the viagra. Hope this helps in some way.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

its an old thread, but it brings up an important topic. Not all guys can easily get it up after they turn 50, and especially 60.

Viagra, trimix, just a lot of understanding....can go a long way.
also, not all sex is going to be PIV sex when you get older. You both need to embrace oral sex too! 
Some women do not like oral sex, and really need a hard ****....but as you get older you have to get that entrenched position out of your head, and embrace things like dildos and oral sex a whole lot more. Maybe other ways of having sex too, like BDSM, etc.


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## AlanParker1989 (Jan 21, 2021)

I always don’t understand one thing, why people just don’t talk about all the problems?) You don’t need to force and insist on anyone, you just need to network and understand the reason, you’ve been married for so long, I don’t think that he will not tell you something that you want to know) You can also try, something that you have not tried before, or rather, offer it to your husband


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AlanParker1989 said:


> I always don’t understand one thing, why people just don’t talk about all the problems?) You don’t need to force and insist on anyone, you just need to network and understand the reason, you’ve been married for so long, I don’t think that he will not tell you something that you want to know) You can also try, something that you have not tried before, or rather, offer it to your husband





AlanParker1989 said:


> I always don’t understand one thing, why people just don’t talk about all the problems?) You don’t need to force and insist on anyone, you just need to network and understand the reason, you’ve been married for so long, I don’t think that he will not tell you something that you want to know) You can also try, something that you have not tried before, or rather, offer it to your husband


Welcome to TAM.

Take this good naturedly, kindly, it's meant with lighthearted humor;

Thanks for the naive and unicorn rainbow comments.

On a more serious note, for those on the forum yes in a perfect world those are the obvious simplistic solutions if all played in that ideal world and played honestly by the rose garden guidelines. 

All know those answers, it's the weaving of them into real world life that are challenges most reaching out for support on such a forum face in their relationships.


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