# How To Be Grateful For Your Ex



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

The forums are filled with such sad stories at times, and so much heartache, it's easy to get engrossed in those feelings. I decided to read some positive material this week and I have to say, it has made an impact (for the better!) on my attitude and outlook, as I go through my separation. I wanted to share an article with you. It's from the following blog:

The Successful Single Mom: How to be Grateful for Your Ex

*How To Be Grateful For Your Ex*

"Oh, is it easy to hold a grudge! We have all experienced hurt and pain at the end of our relationships, and some are more painful than others and cite more intense emotion. Sometimes the experience is so painful, it feels like it takes forever to heal, especially when our kids have been hurt in the process, too. 

However ... no matter how recent your split, holding a grudge hurts you and your kids. It's time to let your anger and frustration go, and begin to see the gift in your situation. Here are your action steps:


1. Acknowledge the problem. 
Why are you continuing to hold a grudge? Old wounds or current, continuous behavior? Allow yourself to see the real issue, see it as it is. Then you can then make a choice to move forward from there.

2. Share your feelings.
A grudge can form when an issue isn’t fully confronted, and stand in the way of any forward progress. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Decide if this is something you will work on yourself, with a therapist, and/or by having a conversation with your ex. Whether you work it out on your own or involve your ex, you will feel better by working through it, because processing a situation releases the tension that's built up. 

3. Take his perspective.
Put yourself in his shoes. Is it possible you may have done or said something, on purpose or even unknowingly, to hurt his feelings or make him angry or upset? (Of course you have.) Taking his perspective can give you a better understanding of his point of view and behavior. Maybe he's also in pain or frustrated with the situation. Different people handle situations differently. Now, this doesn’t justify any bad behavior or negativity, but it can help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is not to let go of a grudge. A natural response may be to try to get revenge, but the person who holds the grudge always suffers more ... and so do their kids!

4. Accept what is.
"It is what it is." My girlfriend Kristy used to say that all the time. You can choose to create your own healing, with or without any acknowledgement or apology. Don’t wait for your ex to come to his senses and apologize -- you may wait for years! He may not know you're upset, or care, or he may have moved past it and not even be thinking about you at all. Alternatively, he may be very sorry, but unable to communicate that with you. Seriously, how easy is it for you to "eat crow?" That's what I thought. And you want a man to do it? 

5. Don’t dwell on it.
Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don’t put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.

6. Own the situation.
You chose him. He may be the biggest bastard in the world (or at least a contender) but you know what? You fell in love with him. You engaged in a relationship with him. You had his kid(s). If you take the position that it's all on you, then you own 100% of the responsibility, and the woman that does that is not a victim. She's a victor.

7. Let it go.
You're going to feel so great when you stop feeling bad about the situation. You'll be lighter, and you won't have as much energy on the situation. Imagine his surprise when he realizes you're not mad, you just don't care! Love and hate are twin sisters. The opposite of hate is apathy. Work on letting it go so you don't have any negative energy on the situation at all, and that's when it starts to get good.

8. Forgive.
Forgiveness is an inner act that benefits the forgive-r. The forgive-ee doesn't even have to know about it. Of course forgiving doesn’t mean you will forget what's happened. It just means you've let it go, and you open up the space for forgiveness to come back your way, too. Forgiving isn’t the easiest to do especially when you’ve endured a lot of hurt and pain, but it’s the only way to truly let go and have peace. 

9. Get positive and be grateful.
There are positive aspects even in the most negative of situations. When you make your split a learning experience, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself and your ex -- for the benefit of all of you.

Finally, make a list about all of the things you're grateful for about your ex. Every single day if you have to, and right at the top of your list put the names of your kids. Without your ex, no kids. Period. Then, move on to everything you've learned ... yes, even if it's "now I know what I don't want in a relationship." There are things to be grateful about and for, especially when you look for them.


You can feel grateful for your ex, even if it takes awhile. I promise!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Interesting topic.. it deserves a bump


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A quite valid point, Pekoe! Except for me!

I can overlook my rich, skanky, XW's penchant for covertly banging two other guys from her past all while being my avowed marital partner and still pretending to love me. I can overlook all of their posted talk on her FB account about their wild, well-planned-out, out-of-town sexual rendevouz's, all while leaving me at home to take care of things. And I can even overlook her coming right back home and quite often throwing me on our bed and putting me right square in the middle of her womanhood, where only perhaps just a matter of hours prior to, one of her lovers had left his tainted mark!

Hell ~ not only can I overlook it ~ I have long ago summarily forgiven it! 

What I can't overlook is her wanton, self-justifiable deception! But if a point in time is ever reached by her to fully and remorsefully confess to me as to any and all her sordid transgressions against me, then much like God, I can not only forgive but totally forget about it as well!

But until such time that that actually comes to happen, ~ with me still being the infallible trusting human being that I am ~ well, unlike God, I can never forget it!

After all ~*


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I really appreciate three things about my ex.

1. She gave me an awesome kid.

2. She's gone.

3. She's no longer my problem.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *A quite valid point, Pekoe! Except for me!
> 
> I can overlook my rich, skanky, XW's penchant for covertly banging two other guys from her past all while being my avowed marital partner and still pretending to love me. I can overlook all of their posted talk on her FB account about their wild, well-planned-out, out-of-town sexual rendevouz's, all while leaving me at home to take care of things. And I can even overlook her coming right back home and quite often throwing me on our bed and putting me right square in the middle of her womanhood, where only perhaps just a matter of hours prior to, one of her lovers had left his tainted mark!
> 
> ...


Arb, I don't understand this. You can overlook and/or forgive what she did to you, but not her thinking? I'm not saying you are wrong or right. I struggle with these thoughts.

For me, it's like forgiving someone for murdering your child, but giving them capital punishment for the mental planning. No crime is committed by thoughts, only by actions. It's the best example I can come up with to explain how I think of it. 

I'd appreciate your thoughts. 

I'm not even saying someone should be punished for those most painful, thought out, planned actions, but I really think they should. None of it had to happen. It was all done to avoid personal pain through the disregard of the individual that they openly and publicly professed to love. It all was done out of revenge, wanton desire, lack of empathy or hate. It was done with the hope that there would be some pain, struggle, and/or public humiliation involved. 

I guess I could write more, but I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from in this. Love the meme. I agree with it. 


As far as the article, I think it's great. I think it's the thing to do and each step is a milestone when accomplished. I think it's the very last paragraph that I didn't wholly agree with. I think the greatest thing is to have help while attempting these steps because you will end up confused and bitter at times because of misunderstanding. There has to be a guide that you respect and understand. That's tough to find.

ETA: Thinking about this more, I guess when I understand what she was thinking and why she was thinking that way, it's easier for me to forgive the actions. At that point, it's just the actions of the partner(s) whose thinking I don't understand. I couldn't bring myself to take someone else's work and claim it for my own. I think we are all a product of our surroundings and the work that others have put into us, as well as our own. Hope that makes sense. I'm not trying to put you or anyone down here. I truly am struggling with understanding, and as usual, tend to be a bit argumentative so that I am convinced that the huge effort I have to put forth is worth it and not just another dead end.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am all for forgiveness and moving on...but I, a codependent, am often too quick in dismissing my "negative" feelings...making these small gestures of thankfulness to not have to experience feelings that I have been trained as being "dangerous".

For me, right now, I have to put off flooding myself with positivity, and get to the heart of my crap. Later down the road, I hopefully will be _genuinely grateful_ for my STBXW.


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## SingleDadof2 (Mar 9, 2015)

Interesting post Orange. It a step by step process for sure. I'll be happy when I can remain neutral to my soon-to-be ex, let alone grateful. Sick of the feelings of anger and resentment bubbling up each time I see her. Makes me literally sick to my stomach. I'm stuck on step 7 at the moment.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

All great responses. 

Arbitrator: Dude, that's crazy. Your ex wife sounds like a piece of work, one better left in the past. What she did was super hurtful and I completely understand why it would be difficult to forgive her. I just want to say that forgiveness is NOT something we do for the other person. Not at all. It's for us. Forgiveness means letting go of thoughts/feelings of revenge. It means that I will stop making myself unhappy today, over things that were said/done in the past. I also want to stress that I don't believe in "forgive and forget". Forgive, but don't forget - it seems pretty dumb to forget why we were in so much pain, and then repeat the same mistake over and over. I also struggle a lot with my husband's self-righteousness and his inability to take responsibility for his actions. I haven't fully forgiven him - but I want to look at what I got out of the pain (my beautiful, gorgeous daughter and some very important lifelong lessons!). 

FormerSelf: I agree that we have to grieve and go through the mourning/anger/resentment phase first, before we are ready to think about looking at the deeper meaning of things, and getting to a stage where we can forgive. There are no shortcuts in divorce. I try to tell myself sometimes, that I should forgive my husband - but it's still fresh and one day I tell myself that I've forgiven, while the next day I am filled with deep resentment and anger over his actions. It is a process. It takes time. Again, there are no shortcuts.

SingleDadof2...I've been there. But you WILL reach a point when you can feel indifferent toward her. Time softens the edges and helps us heal.

unbelievable: that gave me a good laugh lol.

2ntnuf: I agree that we should seek help while attempting each stage. For me, the one I struggle the most is # 5. I dwell, and talk about it to death, and end up hating myself for talking so much about it. I also know my husband is a very private person and hides things and keeps secrets (a behaviour learnt from his family) so people probably praise him for being so quiet on the matter, whereas I am very vocal and blunt. I need to stop reliving the past. He hurt me, his family hurt me...but I hurt myself over and over every time I relive the experiences.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Right now the only thing 'am grateful about my X is the fact that we have a son together. Nothing more.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I want four things from her, not likely, but I can dream

G
O
N
E


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I have a huge problem with number 3. I did not cause his abuse, I did not contribute to his serial infidelity, I did not cause his continued neglect of the children.

And I think number 6 is a crock
But I am eternally grateful for my kids.
This article just doesn't apply to every divorce, nothing applies to every divorce.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I smell bored housewife...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> I smell bored housewife...


Are you referring to the author of the article? If so, I'd agree. If not, then who?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Are you referring to the author of the article? If so, I'd agree. If not, then who?


OH the article. It has a lazily cobbled together quality that can only come from someone who was obviously under a deadline.

I dont see any "real" insight here...just a lot of puking back up of previous tidbits of information.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I completely agree that this article in its entirety does not apply to every divorce. But - some points do.

Mainly - trying not to dwell on something that has hurt us in the past. My spouse hurt me, but I hurt myself every time I choose to re-live the experience.

Also - that there is good in every situation. If I didn't marry him, I wouldn't have my daughter today. For that, I will always be grateful.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's tough to be grateful for someone who did so much harm. Whether she thinks she had good reason or not, I will never be the same. I figure I'll live the rest of my life in loneliness and loveless angst. I know that will make it shorter, which is what I put my hope in now. Yes, it's sad. It's depressing and comes from partly depression, partly reality and partly stories and lies from those who cannot accept the truth or it will cause them great pain. 

I do think you were correct with what you said to me, O.P. I think it was a worthwhile thread.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> 1. Acknowledge the problem.
> 2. Share your feelings.
> 3. Take his perspective.
> 4. Accept what is.
> ...


I agree with many of the points in the article and it resembles my thought process years ago when my first marriage ended. Most of it really boiled down to giving up the false notion that I had control of anyone except myself and then looking at things from a 3rd person view. So even though there was infidelity on her part, I didn't leave bitter and broken from it. I left knowing that I'd figure out my part in that mess and knowing that I'd learn what to avoid in the future.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> It's tough to be grateful for someone who did so much harm. Whether she thinks she had good reason or not, I will never be the same. I figure I'll live the rest of my life in loneliness and loveless angst. I know that will make it shorter, which is what I put my hope in now. Yes, it's sad. It's depressing and comes from partly depression, partly reality and partly stories and lies from those who cannot accept the truth or it will cause them great pain.


I'm sorry you feel hopeless 2ntnuf. Maybe I'd feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes so I don't won't insult you with a feel good comment. But for what it's worth, I think you can find happiness because you're a smart guy and a good guy who deserves it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I'm sorry you feel hopeless 2ntnuf. Maybe I'd feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes so I don't won't insult you with a feel good comment. But for what it's worth, I think you can find happiness because you're a smart guy and a good guy who deserves it.


Thanks. Got too many faults and failings and I'm feeling too old. I fight it, but I feel like i'm losing the war. I very much appreciate that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Because we have kids (now adults), I occasionally bump into my ex at childbirths and other family events. Doesn't take me more than a few minutes to be overwhelmed with gratitude that she's no longer my wife. Nothing makes me appreciate my life quite as much as knowing what it could have been like.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think it's okay to link this and its just been bumped. A masterpiece from 2011 about letting go.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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