# Is this really an emotional affair?



## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

My husband faithful stays in touch with a woman he has known since the early 90's. We have been married since 2009. I believe they met up back in 2014 but not too sure. I do have proof they stay in contact through social media messaging. In fact at times they facetime.

We have no children together but each one separately. He also have a grandson who he is keeping while his daughter is in school/ college. Lately we haven't been staying in the same room. I am writing because I am not sure how close he is with her or any other female he is chatting with. I heard from neutral friend one time they chatted and as he was even facetiming her he even went to go sit on the toilet. How comfortable is that. Maybe they are just like buddies and that is it. Please help SOS!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Trish52 said:


> Lately we haven't been staying in the same room.


Why are you in separate rooms?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Trish52 said:


> My husband faithful stays in touch with a woman he has known since the early 90's. We have been married since 2009. I believe they met up back in 2014 but not too sure. I do have proof they stay in contact through social media messaging. In fact at times they facetime.
> 
> We have no children together but each one separately. He also have a grandson who he is keeping while his daughter is in school/ college. Lately we haven't been staying in the same room. I am writing because I am not sure how close he is with her or any other female he is chatting with. I heard from neutral friend one time they chatted and as he was even facetiming her he even went to go sit on the toilet. How comfortable is that. Maybe they are just like buddies and that is it. Please help SOS!


Have you ever seen the conversations or does he guard his phone, computer, etc.? Does he leave the room/earshot when Facetiming? And like already asked, why are you in separate bedrooms?

I really can't see a guy taking a dump while talking to a woman he likes... That seems more like "one of the dudes" territory.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

How would you define the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Have you ever seen the conversations or does he guard his phone, computer, etc.? Does he leave the room/earshot when Facetiming? And like already asked, why are you in separate bedrooms?
> 
> I really can't see a guy taking a dump while talking to a woman he likes... That seems more like "one of the dudes" territory.


yes at the moment we are in different bedrooms because of situations. A couple times I have seen the facebook messenger with her profile up on his phone but he didn't know I could see it. Also mentioned in story there are meutual


bobert said:


> Have you ever seen the conversations or does he guard his phone, computer, etc.? Does he leave the room/earshot when Facetiming? And like already asked, why are you in separate bedrooms?
> 
> I really can't see a guy taking a dump while talking to a woman he likes... That seems more like "one of the dudes" territory.


 Yes I have and also neutral friends have even told me that even know her. One who even works with her saying that they chat all day almost every day and it's been going on for yrs. The only thing is we don't live in same area she is like 6 hrs away. He grew up and went to school where she is at and works with couple friends they both know. I am not sure if he knew she saw him on the toilet but one even told me that this female friend of yrs ago was shocked she was facetiming him and realize he wasn't in the bedroom no more and now in the bathroom sitting on the toilet. Maybe I am over reacting because it's not like they can have sex way too far.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Why are you in separate rooms?


yes just for now . My finances aren't that great otherwise I would leave him. We have nice big house that you see on the reality shows. He snores alot. They actually watch scary movies together virtual


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> How would you define the difference between an emotional affair and a friendship?


not too sure but emotional is no sex even if they did in the past right now all text msg


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Trish52 said:


> not too sure but emotional is no sex even if they did in the past right now all text msg


Well, you did ask "_Is this really an emotional affair?_" so it's worth thinking about the difference


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m hyper sensitive to this and I am going through it now. Did you ever tell him you disapproved of their relationship? Did you tell him to cut contact? If it bothers you, he should choose you over her. Not all of them do, however.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Well, you did ask "_Is this really an emotional affair?_" so it's worth thinking about the difference


ok but you asked me a question back at me so just trying to figure out


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m hyper sensitive to this and I am going through it now. Did you ever tell him you disapproved of their relationship? Did you tell him to cut contact? If it bothers you, he should choose you over her. Not all of them do, however.


Yes , I have told him but he says she is an old friend who lives back home and it's harmless. But the thing is they have sex talk. I know when he comes to town he doesn't see her. Not sure if she is dating. He says they just old friends but they had sex in 2014. They talk like regular friends like every day just about.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Trish52 said:


> I believe they met up back in 2014 but not too sure.





Trish52 said:


> they had sex in 2014.


So which is it? 

If they had sex in 2014, 5 years after you married, then their relationship should not have continued.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> So which is it? If they had sex in 2014, 5 years after you married, then their relationship should not have continued.


which is what? they got together in 2014 that's when they met back up


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Trish52 said:


> which is what? they got together in 2014 that's when they met back up


You first said you believe they met up in 2014 but "weren’t sure". Then you said they did have sex in 2014, like it was fact.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Trish52 said:


> yes at the moment we are in different bedrooms because of situations


What does this even mean? If you're in separate rooms then there's serious problems here and you sort of gloss over it like it's nothing. That's sort of like someone saying why are you stowing away the deck chairs on the Titanic and a crewmember saying "to keep them dry".


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Did he have sex with her in 2014? Meaning, he cheated on you, yes or no please?

Why are you sleeping in different bedrooms?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Trish52 said:


> Yes , I have told him but he says she is an old friend who lives back home and it's harmless. But the thing is they have sex talk. I know when he comes to town he doesn't see her. Not sure if she is dating. He says they just old friends but they had sex in 2014. They talk like regular friends like every day just about.


If they had sex back in 2014, after you both married, why are you still with him? He’s in an affair of some kind, and this relationship bothers you. That should be enough for him to end it.

I feel like you’re allowing it because you’re afraid to leave over finances and your lifestyle changing. Why is he staying? If he is spending this much time talking and texting with another woman (someone he had sex with in the past) why is he staying?

I’m just trying to understand your situation.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I am so confused.



Trish52 said:


> My husband ......stays in touch with a woman he has known since the early 90's. We have been *married since 2009.*
> 
> We have no children together but each one separately. He also have a grandson who he is keeping while his daughter is in school/ college. Lately we *haven't been staying in the same room.*
> 
> ..... Maybe they are just like buddies and that is it. Please help SOS!





Trish52 said:


> .........Yes I have and also neutral friends have even told me that even know her. One who even works with her *saying that they chat all day almost every day and it's been going on for yrs.* The only thing is we don't live in same area she is like 6 hrs away. He grew up and went to school where she is at and works with couple friends they both know.
> .......*Maybe I am over reacting because it's not like they can have sex way too far.*





Trish52 said:


> yes just for now . M*y finances aren't that great otherwise I would leave him.* We have nice big house that you see on the reality shows. He snores alot. They actually watch scary movies together virtual





Trish52 said:


> Yes , *I have told him but he says she is an old friend who lives back home and it's harmless.* But the thing is *they have sex talk*. I know when he comes to town he doesn't see her. Not sure if she is dating. He says they just old friends *but they had sex in 2014*. They talk like regular friends like every day just about.


I am confused. You have been married since 2009, he had sex with this woman in 2014 (yes while the two of you were married). You are not sleeping in the same room any longer. You would leave him if you had a better financial situation. You have talked to him and he has told you "its harmless." You know he has talked sex with her almost constantly.

He is totally disrespecting you as his wife. You get to choose if you can live with that. 

This is another example of not setting clear boundaries. The condition for reconciliation after his 2014 physical affair with this woman should have been no more contact of any kind. That would have been a reasonable boundary for the marriage to continue.

My suggestion is that you sit down with him and tell him that the situation is not acceptable. That you need to know if he is committed to his marriage to you or if his relationship with this EA and former sex partner is more important than his marriage. 

You really need to value yourself more highly. Good luck.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Doesn’t sound like just an emotional affair, sounds like a sexual one with long breaks in between.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Or maybe not so long breaks in between and you just don’t know


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Trish52 said:


> I believe they met up back in 2014 but not too sure.





Trish52 said:


> I am not sure how close he is with her





Trish52 said:


> He says they just old friends but they had sex in 2014.


If you want actual advice, I'd suggest you get your story straight. ^^This^^ indicates you are contradicting yourself.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did he have sex with her in 2014? Meaning, he cheated on you, yes or no please?
> 
> Why are you sleeping in different bedrooms?


yes he did one time but now when he goes to his hometown he doesn't see her. He tried to lie and hide it.
Because of the arguing to make things better. Now he is chatting and texting with her all day long. But we still go on vacations together.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Doesn’t sound like just an emotional affair, sounds like a sexual one with long breaks in between.


but 2014 is almost a decade ago


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> If you want actual advice, I'd suggest you get your story straight. ^^This^^ indicates you are contradicting yourself.


 It is straight. I said what I said . He was with her in 2014 what is different?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you think it was just once?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> yes he did one time but now when he goes to his hometown he doesn't see her. He tried to lie and hide it.
> Because of the arguing to make things better. Now he is chatting and texting with her all day long. But we still go on vacations together.


It is very unlikely that this only happened one time. Why are you putting up with him still being in contact with the person he cheated with. This is more than an emotional affair, he is still in the same affair from 2014. She is his lover and you are his second choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Trish52 said:


> It is straight. I said what I said . He was with her in 2014 what is different?


I'm not going to argue semantics with you. Your story is inconsistent, if not downright strange. I mean, who lets their husband text with another woman all day every day and doesn't go nuclear on it?

Maybe you should ask yourself why you're staying. And, no, it doesn't matter how "close" they are to one another. They've already had sex. They are in constant contact. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that's about as close as you can get.

Again, I'd suggest instead of trying to figure out what exactly is going on in your husband's slap--and-tickle fest, you figure out why you're hanging around for more of the same.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> I'm not going to argue semantics with you. Your story is inconsistent, if not downright strange. I mean, who lets their husband text with another woman all day every day and doesn't go nuclear on it?
> 
> Maybe you should ask yourself why you're staying. And, no, it doesn't matter how "close" they are to one another. They've already had sex. They are in constant contact. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that's about as close as you can get.
> 
> Again, I'd suggest instead of trying to figure out what exactly is going on in your husband's slap--and-tickle fest, you figure out why you're hanging around for more of the same.


Well he is doing it behind my back. I've explained from neutral friends is how I know any of this in the first place. Yea we had issues but are working on them that is why he is in another room aka dog house. She doesn't mean anything because he doesn't go out of his way to see her.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> but 2014 is almost a decade ago


So when he goes back to his hometown, you are not with him, right? You’re just taking his word for it that he doesn’t see her? Find that hard to believe especially since he is in so much contact (thru social media etc) with her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Trish52 said:


> Well he is doing it behind my back.


Yeah, so what? You KNOW what he's doing. And behind your back? I guess so, since he's being deceptive. So your husband is hiding something. Not a catalyst for working effectively on issues, is it? Oh, and she "doesn't mean" anything to him but you claim he's on his phone with her all the time? How do you actually KNOW he's on the phone with her if he's doing it behind your back?

He doesn't see her, but he hangs out with her via text. Okay. Whatever you say ....

I'm still wondering why you are tolerating such nonsense.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Yeah, so what? You KNOW what he's doing. And behind your back? I guess so, since he's being deceptive. So your husband is hiding something. Not a catalyst for working effectively on issues, is it? Oh, and she "doesn't mean" anything to him but you claim he's on his phone with her all the time? How do you actually KNOW he's on the phone with her if he's doing it behind your back?
> 
> He doesn't see her, but he hangs out with her via text. Okay. Whatever you say ....
> 
> I'm still wondering why you are tolerating such nonsense.


but is via text really a big deal? Just asking could you be close if out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I do ask him all the time he makes it as no big deal.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, do YOU think it's a big deal? From what you've posted, I guess not. It's not a big deal to me, since I'm a stranger in cyberspace. It boils down to whether or not you think it's a big deal.

All I know is, if my husband was texting and facetiming with another woman on a regular basis, I'd be pretty damn mad. But that's me.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Well, do YOU think it's a big deal? From what you've posted, I guess not. It's not a big deal to me, since I'm a stranger in cyberspace. It boils down to whether or not you think it's a big deal.
> 
> All I know is, if my husband was texting and facetiming with another woman on a regular basis, I'd be pretty damn mad. But that's me.


let me ask you not sure if I included this but what about him on the toilet. Wouldn't that turn her off anyway? He's acting as they are buddy buddies.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Trish52 said:


> let me ask you not sure if I included this but what about him on the toilet. Wouldn't that turn her off anyway?


I don't know. She isn't posting here, you are.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> I don't know. She isn't posting here, you are.


she hasn't for anything else neither but you still have replied. Would you want to see a man on the toilet?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, you are trying to convince yourself that what he’s doing is okay, as long as they don’t meet up. If you’re fine with your husband talking to his girlfriend all day, everyday, who are we to judge? However, don’t fool yourself. You’re not going to convince anyone on TAM that what he’s doing is acceptable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Trish52 said:


> she hasn't for anything else neither but you still have replied.


HUH????



Trish52 said:


> Would you want to see a man on the toilet?


Depends on the man.😂🤣😅😆


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> OP, you are trying to convince yourself that what he’s doing is okay, as long as they don’t meet up. If you’re fine with your husband talking to his girlfriend all day, everyday, who are we to judge? However, don’t fool yourself. You’re not going to convince anyone on TAM that what he’s doing is acceptable.


I only say that because they don't see each other in person it's all social media . She isn't his girlfriend at all. Just friends on social media but known each other for yrs. Since he has left his hometown he doesn't see her at all. I think she is the one who wants to see him. We live about 6 hrs away from where he went to school. They had sex when they were young in 1991. Once they did 2014 while we were married already 5yrs but it was a big mistake.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Trish52 said:


> I only say that because they don't see each other in person it's all social media . She isn't his girlfriend at all. Just friends on social media but known each other for yrs. Since he has left his hometown he doesn't see her at all. I think she is the one who wants to see him. We live about 6 hrs away from where he went to school. They had sex when they were young in 1991. Once they did 2014 while we were married already 5yrs but it was a big mistake.


Yes, “mistakes” happen. Hopefully he’ll never make that mistake again


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, “mistakes” happen. Hopefully he’ll never make that mistake again


yes I hope not. I am glad we don't even live close to her at all. He is a very busy person who works doing software so he doesn't have time for that foolishness at all.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

You forgave him for cheating in 2014 ?
Why is ok for him to emotionally cheat now ? Have u contacted this woman and asked her to leave your husband alone ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What are you looking to accomplish here (besides defending him)?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> I only say that because they don't see each other in person it's all social media . She isn't his girlfriend at all. Just friends on social media but known each other for yrs. Since he has left his hometown he doesn't see her at all. I think she is the one who wants to see him. We live about 6 hrs away from where he went to school. They had sex when they were young in 1991. Once they did 2014 while we were married already 5yrs but it was a big mistake.


She IS his affair partner. The affair never stopped. How hard is that to understand?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> You forgave him for cheating in 2014 ?
> Why is ok for him to emotionally cheat now ? Have u contacted this woman and asked her to leave your husband alone ?


No I haven't . Back 2014 was mistake. I cant find her social media nor have her contact info


BigDaddyNY said:


> She IS his affair partner. The affair never stopped. How hard is that to understand?


How is it affair when it was only once 2014.. Then when they were in 20's


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You married him in 2009. In 2014 he CHEATED on you & had sex with her. That is a physical affair. The only way I could possibly have stayed married & tried to fix things is because the affair ended & there was no further contact at all Yet, in your marriage the two of them communicate all day, every day, talking about everything including sex. Yes, that is an emotional affair. 

In a friendship, there is no sex talk. It's just platonic. I'll give you an example. My college alma mater played a rival school in football the other day. A male friend from HS went to the other school. I reached out to him to invite him & his wife to meet me & my husband in a local bar to watch the game. We exchanged about 5-6 messages of 1 sentence each to set that up. He met me. His wife didn't come. My husband showed up later. Me & that guy spent the evening talking about football, discussing his recent family vacation that had been posted to FB & catching each other up about mutual friends. It was all very vanilla. No harm. No foul. No affair. We will not stay in close contact again. That is how you have an opposite sex friend in a marriage. 

Your situation is vastly different. At this point your husband has already stepped out of the marriage & you are only still there because of your big "reality show" house while you have no funds of your own.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Going for my popcorn....


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> No I haven't . Back 2014 was mistake. I cant find her social media nor have her contact info
> 
> How is it affair when it was only once 2014.. Then when they were in 20's


It was only once that you know of and it wasn't it mistake, it was a choice. Cheaters are liars, so you can't believe him if he told you it was only once. On top of that he never stopped talking to her. The affair continues to this very day. If you think otherwise you are only deluding yourself into believing a false story so you can stay with your cheating husband. Why do you place such a low value on yourself that you would do this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

More likely physical.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It was only once that you know of and it wasn't it mistake, it was a choice. Cheaters are liars, so you can't believe him if he told you it was only once. On top of that he never stopped talking to her. The affair continues to this very day. If you think otherwise you are only deluding yourself into believing a false story so you can stay with your cheating husband. Why do you place such a low value on yourself that you would do this?


But he would have travel 6 hrs he doesnt give her that time. They just talk n he is teasing her.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Even if it hasn't been physical since 2014, they are still emotionally connected. He is giving her time & attention that should be directed at you, his wife. Apparently all you get from this marriage is an expensive roof over your head.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> But he would have travel 6 hrs he doesnt give her that time. They just talk n he is teasing her.


So he has never been out of your sight for a day or more since 2014? And 6 hours means a 3 hour one way trip each, sex in a hotel and head back home in the time of a normal work day. 

Physical or not, he is still in an affair with her and has been for 8 years. Maybe it is only emotional at this point, but it is an affair. How in the world do you stand for him continuing to talk on a regular and intimate basis with a women he slept with while married to you? Do you not have any self respect?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you been here before? Your story is very much like a previous poster’s whose husband was involved with someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trish52 said:


> But he would have travel 6 hrs he doesnt give her that time. They just talk n he is teasing her.


Men do not text and talk via phone all day long with a woman unless they are in at the very least an emotional affair with that woman. 

He's had a physcal affair with her in the past. 

YOu say that he travels to where he used to live, and where she now lives, but he never sees her when he's there? Really???? He's lying to you. Next time he goes there, hire a PI to follow him. It's almost 100% that the PI will be able to report to you that he's seeing her in person when he's there.

Even if it's 'only' an emotional affair, there is no way your relationship can be repaired if she's having any contact with her at all. Your marriage is toast. Emotional affairs are far more damaging to a marriage than a casual sexual affair.

What do you know about her? Is she married? Do you know her phone number? Do you know her name and have you gathered as much info as possible on her?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Men do not text and talk via phone all day long with a woman unless they are in at the very least an emotional affair with that woman.
> 
> He's had a physcal affair with her in the past.
> 
> ...


No i dont k ow her nunbdr yes i know her nane as i said its someone hes known si ce 90s. Im n9t personal friebds w her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> No i dont k ow her nunbdr yes i know her nane as i said its someone hes known si ce 90s. Im n9t personal friebds w her.


I would hope you aren't personal friends with your husband's affair partner. That would make this weirder than it already is.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would hope you aren't personal friends with your husband's affair partner. That would make this weirder than it already is.


And that being said i wouldnt have her phone number. The communication is facebook messenger n video chat. He is using her. He wastung time by communicating woth her. Be doesnt care.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Have you been here before? Your story is very much like a previous poster’s whose husband was involved with someone else.


No never heard of this site more than 2 weeks ago. What happened in other story or where could i read? Us that ur answee


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> What are you looking to accomplish here (besides defending him)?


I'm not just making clear its just wasting time and means nothung. We are 6 hrs away from this woman .


Trish52 said:


> No never heard of this site more than 2 weeks ago. What happened in other story or where could i read? Us that ur answee


Im pretty sure its bunch stories whete someone saying tjeir husband may be or us cheating 🤷


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Still think he’s just wasting time messaging that woman?! I don’t know any men that just like to message a particular women for no reason. I’m mean if he’s bored?? Most men watch tv or work on their hobby when they’re bored. Or have sex with their wife.
They might message their best friend about something like an upcoming concert, car show or new video game or new gym opening in town but not just some women he supposedly hasn’t seen since sleeping with her in 2014. Why would he waste his time?


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## 357099 (4 mo ago)

We moved back to my home country and my husband stayed in touch with a former coworker that we both knew. I knew she called occasionally and that was ok. They were actually on FaceTime every couple of weeks for up to an hour or more. When I found out they were talking that frequently and not just on the phone but via FaceTime I flipped my **** and put an end to that crap. Especially when people at his workplace questioning him about how close he and her were to the point that he had to come home and tell me I had nothing to worry about because I knew everyone over at the workplace. I used to work there too. It’s definitely something I want put up with. I don’t know if it would’ve escalated to more had I not put a stop to it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Sad one said:


> We moved back to my home country and my husband stayed in touch with a former coworker that we both knew. I knew she called occasionally and that was ok. They were actually on FaceTime every couple of weeks for up to an hour or more. When I found out they were talking that frequently and not just on the phone but via FaceTime I flipped my **** and put an end to that crap. Especially when people at his workplace questioning him about how close he and her were to the point that he had to come home and tell me I had nothing to worry about because I knew everyone over at the workplace. I used to work there too. It’s definitely something I want put up with. I don’t know if it would’ve escalated to more had I not put a stop to it.


I think guys are friends with girls to the point of one day he can get to be more than friends , it is just keeping one on hand for a rainy day ,


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She IS his affair partner. The affair never stopped. How hard is that to understand?


By social media if thats how you look at it


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> You married him in 2009. In 2014 he CHEATED on you & had sex with her. That is a physical affair. The only way I could possibly have stayed married & tried to fix things is because the affair ended & there was no further contact at all Yet, in your marriage the two of them communicate all day, every day, talking about everything including sex. Yes, that is an emotional affair.
> 
> In a friendship, there is no sex talk. It's just platonic. I'll give you an example. My college alma mater played a rival school in football the other day. A male friend from HS went to the other school. I reached out to him to invite him & his wife to meet me & my husband in a local bar to watch the game. We exchanged about 5-6 messages of 1 sentence each to set that up. He met me. His wife didn't come. My husband showed up later. Me & that guy spent the evening talking about football, discussing his recent family vacation that had been posted to FB & catching each other up about mutual friends. It was all very vanilla. No harm. No foul. No affair. We will not stay in close contact again. That is how you have an opposite sex friend in a marriage.
> 
> Your situation is vastly different. At this point your husband has already stepped out of the marriage & you are only still there because of your big "reality show" house while you have no funds of your own.


This is all true. I am trying to put it back together because i know it was long time ago and all they do is text. He cant fall in love over facebook messenger


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> This is all true. I am trying to put it back together because i know it was long time ago and all they do is text. He cant fall in love over facebook messenger


Oh yes he most certainly can. It happens all the time. And he is doing more than just texting/messaging, he is talking and facetiming her too, correct? Why are you so deeply in denial about him still being in the affair? You are a fool to stand for your husband regularly chatting it up with the women he ****ed on the side while married to you. You can't say it was a long time ago, it is still going on TODAY.


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## 357099 (4 mo ago)

This ^^


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Oh yes he most certainly can. It happens all the time. And he is doing more than just texting/messaging, he is talking and facetiming her too, correct? Why are you so deeply in denial about him still being in the affair? You are a fool to stand for your husband regularly chatting it up with the women he ****ed on the side while married to you. You can't say it was a long time ago, it is still going on TODAY.


Ok let me ask you this wouldn't he make time. I know since 2014 they haven't seen each other. Its now 2022. He doesn't even make room to see her. We have neutral friends and i know for a fact he hasn't seen her. He is teasing n only dm her on Facebook


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, so you obviously believe and have defended your husband and you’ve swept his prior “mistake” under the rug. What are you looking for here?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ok, let's review.



Trish52 said:


> My husband faithful stays in touch with a woman he has known since the early 90's. We have been married since 2009. I believe they met up back in 2014 but not too sure. I do have proof they stay in contact through social media messaging. In fact at times they facetime.


Were you just afraid or embarrassed to admit they had sex in your opening post? Because here you say your aren't sure if they met up in 2014. Why did you change your story in later posts?




Trish52 said:


> Yes I have and also neutral friends have even told me that even know her. One who even works with her saying that *they chat all day almost every day and it's been going on for yrs*. ... told me that this female friend of yrs ago was shocked she was facetiming him and realize he wasn't in the bedroom no more and now in the bathroom sitting on the toilet.


He is talking to her all the time, "all day almost every day" in your words, and facetiming. This is happening so much you have a friend that is able to see it is obviously inappropriate. Why can't you see it and why do you need the opinion of strangers when you have a friend telling you it is shocking and inappropriate?




Trish52 said:


> he says she is an old friend who lives back home and it's harmless. *But the thing is they have sex talk*. ... *He says they just old friends but they had sex in 2014. *


Now your story changed and you clearly state that he cheated and had sex with her in 2014. Why weren't you sure in the first post, but now you are?

They have sex talk, that isn't harmless. It is called an affair and you know that in your heart. You have to.




Trish52 said:


> yes he did one time but now when he goes to his hometown he doesn't see her. *He tried to lie and hide it*... Now he is chatting and texting with her all day long. But we still go on vacations together.


So it was just that one time in 2014 and he never sees her now. How do you know that? Because he said so? He lies, tries to hide his conversations with her, texts her all day long, they have sex talk, they facetime, they've had sex more than once. Given all that how are you so sure he doesn't see her when he goes to his hometown? Is he in your sight the entire time he is in his home town?




Trish52 said:


> *Well he is doing it behind my back*. ... Yea we had issues but are working on them that is why he is in another room aka dog house. She doesn't mean anything because he doesn't go out of his way to see her.


If a woman doesn't mean anything to a man he doesn't chat with her all day, every day and hide it from his wife. Does he talk to her more than you? It sounds like he might. Are you sure you aren't the one that doesn't mean anything to him?

Also, why is he in the "dog house" and how is that helping address your issues?




Trish52 said:


> They had sex when they were young in 1991. Once they did 2014 while we were married already 5yrs but it was a big mistake.


So they are old sexual partners, and affair partners. It wasn't a mistake. He has more of a connection to her than to you. They've been in a sexual relationship prior to you and continuing while you are in the picture. Doesn't that make you feel so special and loved? 





Trish52 said:


> They actually watch scary movies together virtual


It is great that he likes to spend quality time with his affair partner 

This seems to be another contradiction to your prior statements too. If he is hiding it from you, how do you know he is watching movies with her?




Trish52 said:


> yes just for now . My finances aren't that great otherwise I would leave him. We have nice big house that you see on the reality shows.


So this is what it really comes down to. It is obvious to the most naïve person that he is in an affair that hasn't stopped since 2014. Really, it sounds like he has been in a relationship with her since 1991. You are choosing to excuse and ignore the obvious because he is your cash cow. You like the financial security and comfort he provides and you are willing to sacrifice your self respect for it. Fine, that is your choice, but don't expect others to go along with your fantasy that this old friend is just a friend.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> but wouldn't you make time for someone you want to be with though? he is not doing any of those. You are basing this off over the text via msg


Not making time for her? You said he is chatting with her all day every day. You said they also Facetime. Is that reality show house and vacations really worth more than your self respect?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not making time for her? You said he is chatting with her all day every day. You said they also Facetime. Is that reality show house and vacations really worth more than your self respect?





BigDaddyNY said:


> Ok, let's review.
> 
> 
> Were you just afraid or embarrassed to admit they had sex in your opening post? Because here you say your aren't sure if they met up in 2014. Why did you change your story in later posts?
> ...


I said they had sex once in 2014 but he has not seen her physically since then. We don't even live in the same area.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Trish52 said:


> I said they had sex once in 2014 but he has not seen her physically since then. We don't even live in the same area.


that part has never changed. not sure what you mean. As I said couple times already we have same friends and that info gets back to me. Whether they are lying but I did find out they were watching a scary movie while facetiming. That never changed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> that part has never changed. not sure what you mean. As I said couple times already we have same friends and that info gets back to me. Whether they are lying but I did find out they were watching a scary movie while facetiming. That never changed.


It has changed, this is your first post... 



Trish52 said:


> My husband faithful stays in touch with a woman he has known since the early 90's. We have been married since 2009.* I believe they met up back in 2014 but not too sure*. I do have proof they stay in contact through social media messaging. In fact at times they facetime.



Are you okay with your husband constantly talking to, Facetiming and watching movies, basically spending quality time, with woman he cheated on you with?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

*right I'm saying I believe pretty sure it was 2014 when they hooked up for sex*. They did have sex . So I am saying to make sure that it was during that time not 2013 or 2015. So I said I believe that it was during that time. So no it has not change did they have *sex yes*. When? I believe it was 2014 is when they did. Being that it was long time ago I am saying I am sure it was 2014.*That's why I said back in 2014 because was saying about the yr.*


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> *right I'm saying I believe pretty sure it was 2014 when they hooked up for sex*. They did have sex . So I am saying to make sure that it was during that time not 2013 or 2015. So I said I believe that it was during that time. So no it has not change did they have *sex yes*. When? I believe it was 2014 is when they did. Being that it was long time ago I am saying I am sure it was 2014.*That's why I said back in 2014 because was saying about the yr.*


Gotcha, I understand now. However, your inability to pinpoint when your husband cheated on you makes me wonder how you can be sure about anything he is doing or has done. Why don't you know precisely? How do you know he had sex with her?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Gotcha, I understand now. However, your inability to pinpoint when your husband cheated on you makes me wonder how you can be sure about anything he is doing or has done. Why don't you know precisely? How do you know he had sex with her?


because it was right before his mom passed that's why I feel it was that time. He had to keep going up there while she was sick and take care of things. He had a hotel room and it got back to me that he had invited her over there. He even told someone he had to get condoms. Now at this time they were 45 yrs old I am a yr younger. He had to handle business with her house so he was going up there a lot but this woman works a lot from what I was told so that was the only time that they could meet up. I know they have chatted a lot from this point on but he has not seen her since then. It was actually summertime when that happened.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> because it was right before his mom passed that's why I feel it was that time. He had to keep going up there while she was sick and take care of things. He had a hotel room and it got back to me that he had invited her over there. He even told someone he had to get condoms. Now at this time they were 45 yrs old I am a yr younger. He had to handle business with her house so he was going up there a lot but this woman works a lot from what I was told so that was the only time that they could meet up. I know they have chatted a lot from this point on but he has not seen her since then. It was actually summertime when that happened.


So, what is it you want from this thread? Your husband is having an affair, so you got your answer. Anything else you need?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So, what is it you want from this thread? Your husband is having an affair, so you got your answer. Anything else you need?


Yes , will he do it again since he hasn't made any effort since to see her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> Yes , will he do it again since he hasn't made any effort since to see her?


You don't really know if he has or hasn't made any effort to see her unless you somehow are able to have eyes on him 24/7. Has he never been out of your sight since 2014?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s the only one who knows what he will do in the future.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You don't really know if he has or hasn't made any effort to see her unless you somehow are able to have eyes on him 24/7. Has he never been out of your sight since 2014?


well as far as her I would know if he were gone to travel 6 hrs. *going* and* coming* back.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In the last 8 years he has never been away from you for more than 8 hours, ever?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

As @Openminded said, no one here can predict the future. That said, you have a husband you know has cheated on you AND he is still in constant contact with that same person and has been for years. You've said you aren't going to leave him, so what does it matter what he does? I bet he knows you will never leave too, so he will just do whatever he wants. I'm sure he is really hurt by you putting him in the "dog house", where he can talk to the woman he is truly interested in without you being a pain in his ass and bothering him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Does your husband know that you know he slept with her in 2014?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

for work not but not 8 yrs he always worked from home even before covid. What does that have to do with traveling 12 hrs ? She is 6 to maybe 7 hrs away he'd have to be gone almost 2 days. Not sure what you are saying. Even if you try to make it happen that meant he would have to had drove and turned right around to cb so basically yeah he would of been gone for atleast more than a day🤔


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> for work not but not 8 yrs he always worked from home even before covid. What does that have to do with traveling 12 hrs ? She is 6 to maybe 7 hrs away he'd have to be gone almost 2 days. Not sure what you are saying. Even if you try to make it happen that meant he would have to had drove and turned right around to cb so basically yeah he would of been gone for atleast more than a day🤔


He drives 3 hours, she drives 3 hours and they meet at a hotel in between. He screws her for an hour and he is back home in time for dinner. 


Does your husband know that you know he had sex with this woman?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He drives 3 hours, she drives 3 hours and they meet at a hotel in between. He screws her for an hour and he is back home in time for dinner.
> 
> 
> Does your husband know that you know he had sex with this woman?


I have mentioned it but he makes up excuses saying it's not what I think. I know she works in an office so I doubt she could be traveling 2 let a lone 3 to meet him. What kind of treat is that anyway that is not even anything to brag about. He works home and again this have nothing to do with covid been doing this for yrs.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> I have mentioned it but he makes up excuses saying it's not what I think. I know she works in an office so I doubt she could be traveling 2 let a lone 3 to meet him. What kind of treat is that anyway that is not even anything to brag about. He works home and again this have nothing to do with covid been doing this for yrs.


Forgive me, I really don't understand everything you have said here. 

Yes or no, does your husband know that you know he slept with her? 

Yes or no, does he admit to having sex with her in 2014?


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Forgive me, I really don't understand everything you have said here.
> 
> Yes or no, does your husband know that you know he slept with her?
> 
> Yes or no, does he admit to having sex with her in 2014?


*I have mentioned it but he makes up excuses saying it's not what I think. That was my answer so I am saying I have told him but he denies it. Not sure if that clarifies my answer. So I am guessing yes he knows I have an idea but he lies when I ask him.*


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Then the answer is no, he doesn't admit to it. I, and I think everyone else, was under the impression that he definitely cheated in 2014 and was caught. But that isn't the case. 

Your husband is most definitely in and EA with her. That answers the original question of this post. But it doesn't matter anyway. You won't leave him, so what difference does it make? He can do whatever he wants and you won't do anything about it. 

As to what he will or won't do from here, no one can say. We can't predict the future. However, you can assume the worst since he has poor self imposed boundaries and you aren't willing to hold him accountable.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Then the answer is no, he doesn't admit to it. I, and I think everyone else, was under the impression that he definitely cheated in 2014 and was caught. But that isn't the case.
> 
> Your husband is most definitely in and EA with her. That answers the original question of this post. But it doesn't matter anyway. You won't leave him, so what difference does it make? He can do whatever he wants and you won't do anything about it.
> 
> As to what he will or won't do from here, no one can say. We can't predict the future. However, you can assume the worst since he has poor self imposed boundaries and you aren't willing to hold him accountable.


but is EA bad if there is no intimacy?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> but is EA bad if there is no intimacy?


That is a personal question. For me, yes it is very bad and I would never put up with it. For you, only you can answer that. If you are willing to share his quality time with her that is your choice. If you don't like his relationship with her tell him. If he won't break it off and spend that quality time with you then you know the score. She has more value to him than you do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> Ok so why do you think she have more value? Isnt he usung her cause hes bored or past time?


I don't know how much quality time you get from your husband, but the way you describe his jnteractions with her, she is getting a lot of it. When was the last time he watched a scary movie with you? That is what I'm talking about. He seems to place more value on his time with her than with you.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I don't know how much quality time you get from your husband, but the way you describe his jnteractions with her, she is getting a lot of it. When was the last time he watched a scary movie with you? That is what I'm talking about. He seems to place more value on his time with her than with you.


We dont watcg anythg together. Sad to say. We have nice big house. He has good job. Thats not draw him.close to her is it? I dont think he cares. Could u possibly care? Hardly no sex. I thnk they sex talk all day.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> We dont watcg anythg together. Sad to say. We have nice big house. He has good job. Thats not draw him.close to her is it? I dont think he cares. Could u possibly care? Hardly no sex. I thnk they sex talk all day.


So she is getting more attention than you, but you get the nice house and comfort of his income. Is that good enough for you?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

@Trish52. How do you know that she hasn't come to your town and met with your husband ? 🤔 You know he hasn't gone to see her but you don't know if she has come to see him.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> @Trish52. How do you know that she hasn't come to your town and met with your husband ? 🤔 You know he hasn't gone to see her but you don't know if she has come to see him.


Oh I was just told he is only msg her. She has not been here. In fact be is playing mind games with her. The reason hes only msg ber is fantasize because he already have me for physical. He is just bored. She wants more.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Trish52 said:


> Oh I was just told he is only msg her. She has not been here. In fact be is playing mind games with her. The reason hes only msg ber is fantasize because he already have me for physical. He is just bored. She wants more.



You realize cheaters often lie right? So when he says she has not come to your town - that may not be the truth 

When he says they have not gotten physical - he may be lying about that 😯


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m assuming English is your second language but also wondering if alcohol is being used sometimes when you respond here. This is one of the most bizarre threads I’ve ever read. You are living a world of denial. He doesn’t even have to really hide this affair because all you do is make excuses why it’s actually okay, and yet you’re here, but I don’t think anyone really knows why. And let’s just say you’re right (doubtful) and your husband is just messing with her and using her for giggles, that still completely bizarre and still makes him a complete jerk. There’s nothing normal about his behavior. Since you aren’t going anywhere, just accept that you’re in an open marriage. Because you are.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Its not open he was worh her once in 2014 he cheatedand before that in 1991 few times when they met. Before my time. Noq its only emotional


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trish52 said:


> Its not open he was worh her once in 2014 he cheatedand before that in 1991 few times when they met. Before my time. Noq its only emotional


That still isn't a good thing though, is it?


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I have not seen you mention why there’s hardly any sex between the 2 of you. Why is that? Something else going on in your marriage?
Or maybe his sexual energy is being given to someone else???

I still do not understand why you think they have not been together since 2014. It can take 10 minutes in a car in a park somewhere inbetween the long drive.
Most men do not play /message women just for “fun”.


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## Trish52 (4 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> I have not seen you mention why there’s hardly any sex between the 2 of you. Why is that? Something else going on in your marriage?
> Or maybe his sexual energy is being given to someone else???
> 
> I still do not understand why you think they have not been together since 2014. It can take 10 minutes in a car in a park somewhere inbetween the long drive.
> Most men do not play /message women just for “fun”.


Well he is play msg for fun. She is not driving here. I know people know both. He is bored so msg her is his hobby.
Our sex just slowed down
.


Teacherwifemom said:


> I’m assuming English is your second language but also wondering if alcohol is being used sometimes when you respond here. This is one of the most bizarre threads I’ve ever read. You are living a world of denial. He doesn’t even have to really hide this affair because all you do is make excuses why it’s actually okay, and yet you’re here, but I don’t think anyone really knows why. And let’s just say you’re right (doubtful) and your husband is just messing with her and using her for giggles, that still completely bizarre and still makes him a complete jerk. There’s nothing normal about his behavior. Since you aren’t going anywhere, just accept that you’re in an open marriage. Because you are.


Are you an English teacher and what is your degree since you want to bring it up.


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