# Feeling lost and sad about my marriage



## Newanda (Aug 25, 2012)

I have been married for 10 years. We have been together a total of 15. We met in college. We Have two wonderful kids. But we have nothing else in common anymore. I am finding it impossible to continue living in the same home with her, as we differ greatly on our parenting and ideas of what our and our children's diet should be. She has no interest in being outdoors, sports, anything that I am becoming passionate about. We are rarely ever intimate anymore, and if so it is always me who initiates. She is so obsessed with writing, a new hobby, that she ignores me, with her face in the laptop 24/7. We have drifted apart. The things that drew me to her just aren't there anymore. 

I want to separate, move out and have a life, and still see my kids. But we are two years away from finishing bankruptcy, and have no money, unless I took up a second job at night. Of course she only works part time, so she could in theory get another job. I can't imagine asking a friend to let me crash on their couch for two years. But I can't stand living here another day. Advice?


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

oh my goodness can I relate to what you are saying... for starters, Mark Twain once said that hell is being married to a writer. I would add that it would be the same being married to any artist. About 20 years ago my wife started writing.. At first.. it was hell.. pure hell... At the time we had no kids so we were like the proverbial bunnies.. that went away. All the time there was this flashing light over her head saying, "I would rather be writing". It was/is/ever shall be a complete and total emotional affair. It was the closest my wife and I came to a divorce. Now, like you I am an outdoor guy, love hiking, love my ATV, love being outdoors. At first i was so hurt by the distraction, so hurt by being left behind. And oh god was i pissed about the loss of sex... and oh was i lonely. BUT... the key is realizing that this is a blessing in disguise, and you need to talk to your wife about balance in that. It will not be perfect, and trust me, being married to a writer is hell, but it is OK to have your life too. But you need to talk to your wife about some ground rules, first off, let her know that you are thrilled about her writing, my wife was NOT a computer genius so I took over backing up her book every couple of days (on 5" floppies!!!!). At her pace, i proofread her book, made my suggestions. I was on the recieving end of a GREAT few weeks during the writing of the more adult parts. But I also allowed myself time to explore my hobbies.. For instance, the family goes camping, but they don't like to hike and rough it like I do.. So carve out a weekend and do it for YOU!! Set aside one night for the both of you, for your family, but realize, when a writer is in the "zone" you are going to be sharing him/her. Nobody on this forum has more empathy for you than I do right now, financial issues on top of things can be a killer. Seriously make your own time, work out family time and time with your wife. KNOW that when they are in the temptest of writing, it will be hard. But in the end it made me a stronger person, made her a stonger person. You never know what the future holds, heck, we have our ups and downs like anyone else. But in the end, her writing and the upheaval and hell that came with it, was worth it.


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## Newanda (Aug 25, 2012)

Thanks for the response Oregondaddy. It may have to come to that, a balancing act. I teach, so when I go back to school that will be a good distraction for me. But my guess is that it won't help. I want to talk to her about this before then. We were on the ropes two years ago. She wanted to separate. So I think if I brought it up she would still feel the same way. We went to counciling but clearly it hasn't helped. One thing that gets me is that doesn't spend quality time with the kids. Don't get me wrong, she is around them all the time, and she would argue more than me. But is being in the same room with them while she is typing and face booking the best? I at least take them swimming. I would love to take them hiking more, but she has instilled on them her opinion of hiking, which is that she hates it. She does that with everything. Especially food. "Since mom doesn't eat broccoli why should I?" 

It seems we are on a never ending cycle. Things are ok for a few weeks, then slowly things unravel, words are said, feelings hurt, interactions dwindle, until there is a fight. Then after some time we try to talk, make compromises neither of us want to make, then it starts again. She doesn't honor her compromises. 

Bottom line is my kids and I have a great time when she is not there, and I am sure she would have the same with them if I was away. And I think that we would be able to communicate better if we werent around each other 24/7 and were free to make our own decisions about diet, activities, etc. As I read in another thread, I love her but am no longer in love with her; haven't been for a while now.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

do something about it then. Charm her, like you did when you first met. It's that or continue hoping things will turn around.


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## Newanda (Aug 25, 2012)

I'm not hoping things will turn around. I know that she won't change. I know that I don't want to live that way anymore. I don't want to charm her because, one - there is little that charms her anymore, and two - I don't want to open myself up emotionally to her and risk getting hurt again. A couple 100 times in a decade and a half is enough for me. I simply don't love her in a way that makes me want to charm her or stay married. I love her as a friend. One of the best friends I have.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Newanda said:


> I have been married for 10 years. We have been together a total of 15. We met in college. We Have two wonderful kids. But we have nothing else in common anymore. I am finding it impossible to continue living in the same home with her, as we differ greatly on our parenting and ideas of what our and our children's diet should be. She has no interest in being outdoors, sports, anything that I am becoming passionate about. We are rarely ever intimate anymore, and if so it is always me who initiates. She is so obsessed with writing, a new hobby, that she ignores me, with her face in the laptop 24/7. We have drifted apart. The things that drew me to her just aren't there anymore.
> 
> I want to separate, move out and have a life, and still see my kids. But we are two years away from finishing bankruptcy, and have no money, unless I took up a second job at night. Of course she only works part time, so she could in theory get another job. I can't imagine asking a friend to let me crash on their couch for two years. But I can't stand living here another day. Advice?


It sounds like you are frustrated because you don't have the money to leave. You've checked out of your marriage so no sense in trying to give you advice on trying to repair it.

Your wife doesn't sound abusive or suffering from an addiction, in other words, you CAN "tolerate" being around her until you can financially afford to leave - you just need to change your thinking from "I can't stand living here another day" to "I can stand living here FOR MY CHILDREN until such time I can afford to leave.

I know it is not fun, but it sounds like your only option is to put your happiness on hold.

I did it for 10 yrs. I waited until my children were GROWN & off to college before I left my 1st husband. Yes, I was not happy with my husband & marriage but felt it was best for my children to wait.

Guess what? 4 yrs. later I am happily remarried & my children are doing great.

Good luck.


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## Newanda (Aug 25, 2012)

How did you last 10 years? Did you sleep in the same bed? You are stronger than I am. I don't know how I can stay, but yet don't have any idea where to go.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

Marriage is WORK. Constant work. It gets old and boring and has its ups and down. You could get divorced, meet the woman of your dreams, have 2 more kids, and 7 years into that marriage you are now bored and unhappy. The endorphins have worn off and the thrill is gone. Ever heard of the term "seven-year itch"? Dating is fantasy like romantic movies. Marriage is reality, you have to see the person day in and day out, there are screaming children and financial stress, the sex gets monotonous. I wish more movies portrayed the REALITY of what it is like to be married...

Is there another woman in the picture? Just curious...


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## Newanda (Aug 25, 2012)

I told her tonight and we are separating. I ended up crying more than her! But it's for the best. I know we will be happier living apart but remaining friends and great parents.


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