# My parents' marriage



## aly94 (Feb 4, 2012)

My dad is very unreasonable and strict towards my twelve year old brother. He is very critical about everything my brother says or does. He never tells him he loves him, never gives him a hug or shows any sign of affection. When my brother attempts to make conversation, my dad doesn’t even try to act interested and is very short with him. 

To make matters worse, my brother is bullied at school and doesn’t have many friends. The other kids call him gay and tease him for having a “girly” voice. Mum and I have been very concerned about this (particularly how it affects his self-esteem) but my dad doesn’t know how to handle it and shuts it out. He refuses to listen to anything involving his own son being bullied, and acts as though my brother deserves it by making comments like “I can see why those kids bully you” and “no wonder you have no friends”. 

This has been going on for the past few years, since my brother was about nine or ten. Whenever my mum tries to show my dad that he is being unreasonable, it aggravates him even more to the point where he will storm off and be in a horrible mood for the rest of the night. 

The dysfunctional relationship between my brother and dad has started to affect my parents’ marriage more so than ever. Whenever my mum takes my brother’s side, my dad feels as though she’s choosing my brother over him, and I think this makes him resent my brother even more. On the other hand, when my mum tries to stay out of it and not say anything or comfort my brother in fear of upsetting my dad, it leaves my little brother feeling very alone and upset. All of our extended family live overseas so I’m the first person my mum turns to. She always comes to me crying after my dad and brother have had an argument because she doesn’t know what to do and admits to feeling torn between them. I don’t know what to say and I find it hard to comfort her. Many times she has said that as much as she loves my dad, she has thought about leaving him because she can't deal with his intolerance and unfairness towards their son.

I have a pretty good relationship with my dad. We always joke around and can have lengthy discussions about almost everything. I myself have tried telling him that he’s too hard on my brother but he defends himself by saying that he had a horrible childhood and didn’t have loving parents. As true as this may be, he’s been a really good, supportive parent to me for the past seventeen years so I don’t understand why he is so unfair and horrible to his own son. 

My dad is actually a really nice guy to everyone else but his whole demeanor changes when he's around my brother. It's like he hates him! I'm not worried about him getting physically violent but this level of emotional abuse is the last thing my brother needs to come home to after teased and pushed around at school. At the moment I am the only one my brother can turn to because it’s obvious my mum doesn’t want to do anything that may ruin her marriage. I’ll be moving out within a year or so and I’m afraid things will only get worse if I'm not there for my mum and brother. I guess I’m just looking for advice for my mum because I honestly have no clue what to do and feel as though I've done all I can.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a lot of responsibility for you to take on. Your mother is puting you in the position of doing what she should be doing.

It's not uncommon for father and son to have problems during the boy's teen years. Often the problem goes away when the son is in his late 20's. I think it might be a male competition thing.

First off your brother nees to just have as little to do with your father as possible. Your father is acting out and he does not know why.. he just is. He's being very childish himself.

Suggest to your mother that she get herself and your brother into some couseling to learn how to deal with your father. 

It would be good if your mother and father could also go to MC (marriage counseling) because this is causing them problems as well.


About the kids who tease your brother because of his voice, he's at an age when his voice will start to change. Over the next few years it will change a few times until he gets his deeper adult voice. This does not make their teasing any easier to put up with right now. 

When my brother was about your brother's age, he was being teased because he was smaller than the other boys. My dad put him in Karate classes. It gave my brother a lot of confidence. When the other boys foudn out that he was progressively getting his promotions in Karate they backed off and quit teasing him. By the time he was out of high school he had his black belt. And it had been a long time since anyone had teased him.. he also grew to be a normal height. So the short stature was just a phase his body went through.

See if you and your mom can find something like the Karate that your brother really likes. Get him active in whatever it is.. .be it martial arts, music, break dancing, tennis, football, wrestling, art.. whatever. If he finds something he loves and excells in it he will find his place in this world. And the others will stop teasing him.

Also, the best thing you can do for your brother is be his sympathetic witness. A sympathetic witness is the person who tells him that they see that your father is mistreating him and that he did nothign to deserve it. Also that your mother is not standing up for him.. not because of her own faults .. .because she is scared of your father.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ally, judging by your screen name, I think you're old enough to take what I'm about to say, but in order to avoid slings and arrows from the others here, I will PM you.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Your mum had to work on this, if I were her I'll make my husband taste a piece of his own cake by ignoring him and having fun with my son. Sorry I don't know how your father come to hate his own son so much but I feel very very sorry for your brother. Your brother should have as little time around your father as possible to boast his self esteem. Both your parents and your brother need some counselling to solve this.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

I think your father needs some professional help. He clearly has problems with his childhood and he is dishing out his anger onto your brother and hes trying to use his poor childhood as an excuse for it. This is rather typical when a parent acts like this, Its sort of like an abused person being the abuser.

Also try to be there more for your brother. It sucks when you are bullied at school and instead of having the comfort of home, You have to deal with being bullied by a person who is suppose to love you and take care of you. Your mom needs to step up too, Tell your dad he needs to get help or else there will be consequences. She has been passive for far too long and needs to step it up, be a mother, and protect her son from your father's torment.

If she doesnt try stopping it then trust me, She wont have a son a few years from now. I didnt mean it literally but in this way - She allows your father to continually emotionally abuse your brother on top of the emotional abuse he deals with at school. Im sure he is already growing cold to your father but eventually he will become cold to your mother and she wont have a person to call son in a few years because he will despise her.

You need to talk with both of them and tell them that its not ok and things need to change. If things dont get any better in the next few weeks (give it a month after you talk to them) then I would call child protective services, At least then he could live a life where he isnt treated like nothing by his own parents. Its not fair to your brother to allow him to be treated this way. Sitting there and doing nothing about it is just as bad as actually doing what your parents are doing.

Sorry for the rant, It just pisses me off.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

asylumspadez said:


> I think your father needs some professional help. He clearly has problems with his childhood and he is dishing out his anger onto your brother and hes trying to use his poor childhood as an excuse for it. This is rather typical when a parent acts like this, Its sort of like an abused person being the abuser.
> 
> Also try to be there more for your brother. It sucks when you are bullied at school and instead of having the comfort of home, You have to deal with being bullied by a person who is suppose to love you and take care of you. Your mom needs to step up too, Tell your dad he needs to get help or else there will be consequences. She has been passive for far too long and needs to step it up, be a mother, and protect her son from your father's torment.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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