# Torn on what to do



## nicdan (Jul 28, 2015)

My husband and I have been together for a total of 26 years and married for 18 We have 3 children 15, 12 & 10. Eight years ago my husband was involved with internet sexting and meeting people. Nothing sexual ever happen in person. I forgave him and moved on with our relationship. Now eight years later he called me on a Friday afternoon told me that he was going to work a double. This was the night before we were leaving for a family vacation. We left the next day for our vacation. He spent most of his time on his phone. A few days in we get a call from out credit card company saying that someone had used our card that they had cancelled it. So I logged on to the account to check out what charges were made. As I am looking I see a charge for a restaurant on the same night he was working a double and them a little further down I notice a charge for Match.com membership. Totally shocked he would charge to a card that I pay. So when he was sleeping the next morning I took his phone and low and behold I got on his match.com he was chatting with tons of people but one girl he had been chatting morning, noon and night. Feelings had developed between the 2. He even sent pics of our kids. They had not met yet but were planning on it when he had returned from vacation. I also found the girl he had gone to dinner with. As I researched further I found out he was also on Tinder. He had a few nights of super dirty talk with a girl on tinder. They had exchanged naked pics of each other. Finally I confronted him and he could only admit because I had so much evidence there was no denying. He claims our marriage was going to hell which yes he was not willing to change his behavior (he is a drinker and is disrespectful to me in front of the kids) so I backed away and just made sure the kids, house and bills were taken care of and he sat in his own little world and did what he wanted. Now that this has happened he is begging for forgiveness. I am so hurt by all this. I really feel we should separate. I know this will bother me and always have a negative effect on our marriage.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

While I would like to say your husband's behavior is parallel to someone that has a habit of looking at porn, this is definitely different as it seems like combining porn with a real person for an emotional affair. Even if there is no sexual contact between your husband and these other people, an emotional affair is still an affair. 

The most profound problem you have is that trust and communication seem to be severely eroded in your relationship. The only way to make any attempt at fixing this is through embracing vulnerability, as in you have to be mentally prepared to end things to give yourself any chance at fixing them. 

A positive note is that you husband could just be in an awkward mental place and having somewhat of a mid-life crisis. Fortunately you have a credit card bill for a website and a dinner and not a convertible and a country club membership. It could come down to the fact that he just wants someone to talk to, but he has lost touch with his ability to make friends with other men that are his peers. If this is what is going on it may be possible to reconnect and have a stronger marriage than ever before, but your likely to have to go through some tough fighting with him before you get there. 

On a negative side, your husband could be somewhat of a sociopath and not really care for the feelings of anyone around him. Thus his intent on doing whatever he wants even though you know exactly what is going on. Signs of this would be that he has a noticeable lack of empathy for those around him and takes pleasure at misfortunes for those around him. 

Whatever happens, best wishes. Pick yourself up and be strong. Find something to be happy about and share that with the family. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

nicdan said:


> my husband and i have been together for a total of 26 years and married for 18 we have 3 children 15, 12 & 10. Eight years ago my husband was involved with internet sexting and meeting people. Nothing sexual ever happen in person. I forgave him and moved on with our relationship. Now eight years later he called me on a friday afternoon told me that he was going to work a double. This was the night before we were leaving for a family vacation. We left the next day for our vacation. He spent most of his time on his phone. A few days in we get a call from out credit card company saying that someone had used our card that they had cancelled it. So i logged on to the account to check out what charges were made. As i am looking i see a charge for a restaurant on the same night he was working a double and them a little further down i notice a charge for match.com membership. Totally shocked he would charge to a card that i pay. So when he was sleeping the next morning i took his phone and low and behold i got on his match.com he was chatting with tons of people but one girl he had been chatting morning, noon and night. Feelings had developed between the 2. He even sent pics of our kids. They had not met yet but were planning on it when he had returned from vacation. I also found the girl he had gone to dinner with. As i researched further i found out he was also on tinder. He had a few nights of super dirty talk with a girl on tinder. They had exchanged naked pics of each other. Finally i confronted him and he could only admit because i had so much evidence there was no denying. He claims our marriage was going to hell which yes he was not willing to change his behavior (he is a drinker and is disrespectful to me in front of the kids) so i backed away and just made sure the kids, house and bills were taken care of and he sat in his own little world and did what he wanted. Now that this has happened he is begging for forgiveness. I am so hurt by all this. I really feel we should separate. I know this will bother me and always have a negative effect on our marriage.


bolt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dude


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Three kids...that makes it difficult. I would want to separate, too. The kids would be what might slow things down.

Personally, I am a fan of Marriage Builders. I would read Surviving An Affair and would only stay if Hubby agreed to work their program. He would have to become a MUCH better man and husband if he wanted to keep his family intact. SAF has a program and a checklist of things to do. He would need to remove everything that made the affair possible, so he would have to stay off the internet at home, have a "dumb" phone with no internet, if he works online, you two would need to come up with some way for him to be accountable (send screen shots of his internet history, for example.) He is a two-time loser here, which makes him a serial cheater. He has terrible boundaries. A lot would have to change. I'd watch him for at least 6 months and see if he improved or just continued to hang himself, so to speak. 

Your husband has put all of you into a terrible situation and there is no good, pain-free way out of it. If you truly feel you won't be able to get past it, you have every right to separate, IMO. But if you have it in you to try, there are programs which might help. I am familiar with MB but others here likely have different ones to recommend as well.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

What I gathered is that due to his own behavior, most of the marriage is crappy. The reason why the marriage is crappy is due to his own actions that make it that way.

I suggest detaching first and work on you and the pain you suffered from his drinking, put downs, and cheating on you.

In all honesty, I would ask him what he offers for the relationship to give it another chance. He sounds like a terrible role model for the children as well, and it would be better at present if they do not pick up his behavior as well.

Let him prove over a long period of time that he can change, and if he cannot convince you before you move on, then hopefully most of the improvements he makes will stick for the children's sake. But it would be mistake to invest yourself at the moment. His motivation for why he wants this to work must be known, and if he is capable of change before you reinvest yourself.


----------

