# still coping with what happened



## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

So my wife and I have has plenty of problems in our marriage. I was out drinking and working so much. I was mean to her, I called her names, I would leave overnight after fights and stay at hotels. O wasn't a good husband at all. Over time she got depressed and was taking pain pills. She would sleep all the time, leave the house a mess, never wanted to do stuff with us. One day I got fed up wrote a divorce letter and left. Told her I hated her, and called her mean names. I left and she called me saying she wanted to kill herself. I acted like an ass and told her she was trying to trick me. I finally came home and she said she wanted to leave. She went to her moms and called an old friend she reconnected with on Facebook. He was more than sympathetic and she sent him texts that I later found saying how she wanted him. He asked what she would do to him in bed and she told him whatever he wants and went into vivid detail about all that he could do. I found a Facebook message to her girl friend saying she was nervous about meeting him and didn't think she was going too. I don't think they ever met but I am still having a hard time after we got back together 3 days later. There were hundreds of texts between them in 3 days, some saying she was only with me because of her getting pregnant. I have been working hard to forgive and try to make things better but I still have all that running through my mind. Its been better after about a year but our sex life is like once or twice a month. Does she really want me or is she still just here for the kids? He texted her like six months ago and she showed me and sent him a text saying she loved me and it was a mistake. But why was she so sexual with him and I have to beg for sex?
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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Dude, ask her. She had an EA. It got very sexual because it fulfilled her fantasy. You were mean, the OM was nice.

She may not feel intimate with you. IF you work on intimatcy she may come around. There needs to healing on both sides.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, do you seriously have to ask why your wife is more sexual with her OM than you given the way you described your marriage? I applaud you for your honesty and owning up to the issues you created for this marriage and how you pushed your wife away from you. You should not be surprised about why she does not look upon you as her lover at this point in time given the emotional abuse she received from you.

However, it doesn't mean that this cannot be salvaged. Are you going to counseling to figure out why you have acted the way you did in this marriage and for why you are abusing alcohol?


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## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

I have been a completely different person. Taking her on dates, sending nice texts, not complaining about house. I ask her what I am doing wrong. She says her stomach hurts or she is hormonal. I don't know if I should believe it?
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

drock80 said:


> I have been a completely different person. Taking her on dates, sending nice texts, not complaining about house. I ask her what I am doing wrong. She says her stomach hurts or she is hormonal. I don't know if I should believe it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A lot depends upon the timing of these events. If this all happened a month ago and you just started to change yourself that's one thing. However, if this happened a number of years ago and you've been a model husband for several years, then that's a different issue altogether.

Nothing excuses the cheating that your wife did. She chose a stupid way to cope with the marital mess. To make this work though, the entire mess needs to be dealt with - your bad behavior in the marriage and her cheating.


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## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

I have all but quit drinking, maybe once every couple of months. It has been a year since this all happened. She has improved and so have i. Her brother had heart surgery but it went well and I didn't think it was bothering her. I initiated sex and she rejected me and my feelings were hurt. Maybe I am still being insensitive to her.,
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## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

We went to counseling but she said we were ganging up on her, and she was mad I would go by myself if she was sick.
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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Drock80, like most men, you are struggling with understanding that our feelings don't work like a light swith. They just don't.

After years of emotional abuse, that greatly contributed to her depression, you suddenly started acting oh so nice and expect her to instantly forget the past and fall head over hills in love with you. It doesn't work like this. It takes a long time for resentment to disappear. Sometimes it never does.

Ultimately, her poor skills to cope with marital problems, combined with her depression, pushed her into arms of another man and you two are where you are today. Her affair is 100% her responsibility but you did almost everything you could to make sure that she had one.

You re asking why she was so sexual with him? Because, unlikely you, she felt safe with him on emotional level. He was there for her when she needed him. He was nice to her when you were praising yourself for being such an a$$ to her. Of course, affairs are bad but can you really balme her? 

Right now you need to give her more time. You have to show her over extended period of time that she can count on you if she needs your help. That she can trust you. But, considering an extend of damage done in the past, it may never happen and you need to be aware of this possibility.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You admitted that you treated her like crap on a shoe and I'm happy that you changed your ways but she's very wary of you right now and with good reason. 

Put yourself in her shoes and I have no doubt that you would feel the same.

If your on the straight and narrow with her she's going to need time to heal. In her mind she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm glad that you curbed your drinking and that's a big plus. Just be patient with her.


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## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

6301 said:


> You admitted that you treated her like crap on a shoe and I'm happy that you changed your ways but she's very wary of you right now and with good reason.
> 
> Put yourself in her shoes and I have no doubt that you would feel the same.
> 
> If your on the straight and narrow with her she's going to need time to heal. In her mind she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm glad that you curbed your drinking and that's a big plus. Just be patient with her.


You guys are right, she would have done anything to be with me and I took advantage. Now I am being a baby even though she is trying very hard.
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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Work hard on yourself and on your marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

drock80 said:


> But why was she so sexual with him and I have to beg for sex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe because...


> I was out drinking and working so much. I was mean to her, I called her names, I would leave overnight after fights and stay at hotels. O wasn't a good husband at all. Over time she got depressed and was taking pain pills. She would sleep all the time, leave the house a mess, never wanted to do stuff with us. One day I got fed up wrote a divorce letter and left. Told her I hated her, and called her mean names. I left and she called me saying she wanted to kill herself. I acted like an ass and told her she was trying to trick me. I finally came home and she said she wanted to leave.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Drock, first of all I am sorry you are in this situation. I know you have said this all happened some time ago, however its obviously still rambling around in your mind, hence you posting here. Us guys struggle at times being able to comprehend why women say and do certain things. We wonder why after so many years together how its possible she could feel a closeness with another guy, thankgod it never progressed to more than that in your case, and I think you have proof of that, when he reached out to her 6 months ago, she told you he did, and told him she was working it out with you, that she loved you, that's a HUGE step in the recovery process for both you and her, the marriage. 

I was where you were at(I was mean to my ex as well, and she was mean to me, we were both so drastically disconnected from one another), my Ex and I were on completely different pages, the love was lacking on both our sides. I was not her best friend anymore, and looking back, she wasn't my best friend either. She reconnected with a friend on Facebook, they quickly started to fall in love, (she didn't tell me this but I knew) We both decided after 12 years together it was time for me to leave. I left , her and him became a couple and last I heard they got married. 

I only mention a brief bit of my story to let you know what could have happened with you and her. Keep working on yourself, improving, DO NOT take her or the relationship for granted, be kind to her, be the man she fell in love with.. fight for this marriage, and you will see, you will be the one she turns to once again, and in terms of sexual intimacy, that will take time, once you are that man she fell in love with for a significant period of time , you will get that closeness and desire back, trust me. keep this thing going in the right direction, best of luck to you, wish you and your wife/ family nothing but the best in 2014 )


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You've curbed your drinking. Only you and a professional can decide if that is enough. That couldn't have been the only factor in your "divorce letter". You were emotionally and verbally abusive by your description. I'd not forget that very quickly if ever (that's just me). Your wife must have some love left.

So after that you left her on her own in a situation that sounds like self medicated deep depression and she had to (weather she meant it or not ) threaten suicide to get you back home. The state of the home and relationship seems like it was in her lap before you left .

Really it's not a big shocker that she looked for some consolation given your saying you wanted a divorce and leaving. You asked for a divorce. You left /she left. There is a lot to be worked on. Sex shouldn't be your first worry. 

Has her pill use been addressed ? Are you both in counseling?

Sounds like you both have lots of work to do.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to be happy. She doesn't want to have sex with someone who glum and or needy. So you have to be cheerful and self sufficient. Since you quit drinking have you lost weight?

Are you working out? You should get in to wicked good shape. If you body is sexy and you stand up straight, that will help attract her back.

Do you spend time watching TV? Very unsexy. Do stuff. If you have home improvements to make, a guy with tools who can change the physical environment. That is a sexier guy.

Don't do a lot of housework in front of her as it were your job. But if you have a chore, like the dishes, buzz through it.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Right now, I would just be grateful she is still married to you. You sound like you were pretty awful and abusive. Just remember it is a gift every day she still chooses to be married to you, and treat her accordingly. She should come around when she feels safe.
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## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Right now, I would just be grateful she is still married to you. You sound like you were pretty awful and abusive. Just remember it is a gift every day she still chooses to be married to you, and treat her accordingly. She should come around when she feels safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel like a big jerk now for sure. She got help for her addiction and has been going to outpatient. I guess I have spent more time worried about how I feel, and not enough about her feelings.
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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

drock80 said:


> I feel like a big jerk now for sure. She got help for her addiction and has been going to outpatient. *I guess* I have spent more time worried about how I feel, and not enough about her feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You _guess_? Look, most women don't ask for or need much to stay in love. They just want your attention, conversation, and affection. There's more to it than that of course, but you have failed *miserably* (by your own admission) at the typical top 3 needs of women in general for many years.

Don't think this can be fixed overnight. It took years to tear down, and will take considerable time to rebuild, assuming you're up to the task.

You really should get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. It will do you, and her, a world of good.

His Needs, Her Needs


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

3putt said:


> Look, most women don't ask for or need much to stay in love. They just want your attention, conversation, and affection.



Is that so? :scratchhead:


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

adriana said:


> Is that so? :scratchhead:


I notice you conveniently cut off the next line about there being much more to it than that. Mighty fine quote mining there.

I'm talking about the _typical_ top needs of women. They can and do certainly vary from person to person.

But if you read the first 6 lines of his OP, you will see I was merely pointing out where he failed per his account.


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## drock80 (Jan 17, 2014)

I just want to thank all of you. Family, friends, and even the counselor didn't really ever give me any indication that all of this is my fault. I had ideas that it was but it's easy to shift blame to my wife. She is really a good woman and I did put her into a bad situation. Thank you for being blunt with me, its just what I needed.
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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

drock80 said:


> I just want to thank all of you. Family, friends, and even the counselor didn't really ever give me any indication that all of this is my fault. I had ideas that it was but it's easy to shift blame to my wife. She is really a good woman and I did put her into a bad situation. Thank you for being blunt with me, its just what I needed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who else have you treated the way you treated your wife before you made the changes? Have you apologized and asked for forgiveness? Have you asked her what she needs and what are her love languages? What is your plan to make her fall in love with you all over again?
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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Drock: The way I see it, the ball, preeminently, is over in her court! The future of this relationship hinges on her decision, not yours! Why? Because it was you who ultimately succeeded in running her off through your less than husbandly actions into the arms of a sympathetic, much kinder suitor! See must see heartfelt remorse flow from your soul, through your actions, deeds, and intent!

Provided that she is up to it, I'd wholeheartedly recommend MC, more especially a good church based MC, where there's going to be some extremely hard and pointed questions asked of the both of you!

And while your W is in no way blameless, I respect the fact that you've realized the errors of your ways and want to try to exercise a 180 on them.

It's going to take a joint concerted effort with a lot of hard work, prayer, and some mutual, empathetic understanding. I wish you both well!*


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