# Mother In Law



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I've written about her before on these boards but I need advice on how to deal with her and my wife in this situation. 

Been married 6 years have a 4 year old and 6 week old baby.

Every time I get upset or express my frustrations about something, sometimes it's lack of sex, last night I got upset because I got a lecture about putting the baby to sleep - my wife turns around and texts her mom saying I am mad or acting like a baby, etc. 

I know they are saying these things about me so I end up reading the texts on her phone. 

The ones I read after last night include her mother saying men are like children, I needed to get counseling and that my wife should take care of me "if you know what I mean :-/"

My wife said I only help out "when I want to" and that all I care about is "making sure the kitchen is clean."

The bottom line is I work and she is a SAHM. I appreciate the stressfulness of her job but I make her and our daughter breakfast every morning, do most
Of the laundry, get up in the middle of the night with the baby, do the grocery shopping, pick up dinner if she doesn't want to cook, etc. 

I'm looking for advice on dealing with the MIL and my wife. I don't really want to confess to reading her texts but I don't know what else to do. This sabotage effort needs to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jd08 said:


> I've written about her before on these boards but I need advice on how to deal with her and my wife in this situation.
> 
> Been married 6 years have a 4 year old and 6 week old baby.
> 
> ...


You know, I've read some of your other stuff and it makes me wonder. Does your wife have any good qualities?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Maybe I just accentuate the bad. I don't know. She does but I don't feel like listing them right now. 



Nucking Futs said:


> You know, I've read some of your other stuff and it makes me wonder. Does your wife have any good qualities?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I've written about her before on these boards but I need advice on how to deal with her and my wife in this situation.
> 
> Been married 6 years have a 4 year old and 6 week old baby.
> 
> ...


What exactly is her job since it seems like you're not only doing your job outside of the home, but most of hers inside as well.
I don't get that, since she's a SAHM, shouldn't she be the one cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc?
I work more than 50+ hours a week & the majority of the household chores fall on my shoulders.

Regarding her texts with your MIL, I would straight out tell her they have to stop.
Bad mouthing you to her mom undermines your entire relationship.
If she wants to bit*h about something, she needs to bit*h to you, the person she's having the issues with.
Every time she runs to mommy, all she is doing is creating an undercurrent of bad blood between you & her family.
Her family is going to think of the bad & forget about the good.
In this instance, you have every reason to want to keep what happens in your relationship between you two, where it belongs.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

jd08 said:


> Maybe I just accentuate the bad. I don't know. She does but I don't feel like listing them right now.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course you accentuate the bad. You don't need help with the good. 

She's got no respect for you. There's a lot of disrespect for men on television, and that theme of "men are like children" is a central theme in popular entertainment. Look at the toyota commercials with the woman sitting at the desk in the show room. In practically every one of those commercials, the man is the child and the woman has to watch him to keep him under control. You see the same theme in sitcoms and movies. Men are being emasculated in the popular culture and some women are buying in to it, your wife and MIL among them.

You've listed some beta things you do to help your wife. What masculine things do you do to show her what a real man looks like? Do you exercise? Martial arts? Fix cars? Ride a motorcycle? Home repair? Hunt? Fish? What manly stuff do you do?

There's a lot of propaganda out there you need to be competing with.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I remember your other threads as well. Maybe it's time to tell her to choose between you and the MIL on this issue. Set some boundaries for you both. She won't like it, but make it clear that you are serious. I wouldn't bring up the SAHM / dividing chores argument, because that will just confuse the issue. Save that one for another day. Take it one battle at a time.

Or, start texting your own mother everytime you have an argument, and see how she likes it....


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Do I just tell my wife I read the texts? I don't want to seem like I'm snooping but at the same time I think marriage should be transparent
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

jd08 said:


> Do I just tell my wife I read the texts? I don't want to seem like I'm snooping but at the same time I think marriage should be transparent
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. Tell her. For the very reason you mentioned. She doesn't get to have a "secret" text conversation with her mother or anyone else so long as she is married to you. 

She might get mad, feeling she is "entitled" to privacy, but she would be wrong. You might want to ask her why such conversations should be kept from you in the first place. What is the purpose. To "vent" or to actually solve the problems.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I don't think its right that she picks up the phone and texts her mother whenever something is going on with you two, BUT at the same time, what she is telling her mother is probably how she truly feels. I would suggest MC, your wife obviously has some things that bother her about you and the marriage that may need to be dealt with.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your wife's behavior is disrespectful and she is taking you for granted.

If that were me if a conversation didn't help it I'd be taking it up a notch with actions and it would not involve another 'chat'.

The only thing that stops me is the part where she has a newborn.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

She could just tell me face to face. She never makes any effort to work out any issues with me. It's just run straight to mommy and then they have a male bashing contest. 

Her mom's generalization of men being like children I guess tells it all. That's where my wife gets the no respect thing from and who knows if I can even change that. The only way to change it however is to rid my marriage of toxic MIL. 



trey69 said:


> I don't think its right that she picks up the phone and texts her mother whenever something is going on with you two, BUT at the same time, what she is telling her mother is probably how she truly feels. I would suggest MC, your wife obviously has some things that bother her about you and the marriage that may need to be dealt with.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

jd08 said:


> She could just tell me face to face. She never makes any effort to work out any issues with me. It's just run straight to mommy and then they have a male bashing contest.
> 
> Her mom's generalization of men being like children I guess tells it all. That's where my wife gets the no respect thing from and who knows if I can even change that. The only way to change it however is to rid my marriage of toxic MIL.
> 
> ...


I understand, and that is why I suggested MC. I don't agree with her running to her mother every time an issue comes up between the both of you. Even if you got rid of the MIL, you are still left with a wife who for whatever reasons seems unhappy. Maybe if she went to MC with you they could give her some communication skills to work on when things come up that bother her instead of her texting her mother.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

MC may be in order anyways, if she texts Mom rather than talks to you, maybe she has some co-dependency problem with her Mom.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why don't you let her keep texting her mother, and use this information to improve how you act in relation to your wife.

For example, your wife does not want you acting like a baby. So stop doing that. If she starts lecturing you, tell her to stop speaking.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

jd08 said:


> The only way to change it however is to rid my marriage of toxic MIL.


Not true.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I agree with the others that you need to talk to your wife. Make a list of the things you want to discuss and stick to that list. The things I see are:

1. You are putting in effort to try to ease her burden after having the baby but she seems to not appreciate it. Are you speaking her love language? Should you be saying more "I love you's, etc? Does she want you to stop doing these things?

2. She needs to leave her mom out of your relationship. Your marriage is between you and her. She can talk to mom about many things, but not what happens between you and her, especially if it is negative. By her doing this shows complete lack of respect for you and your relationship. Also by running to mom, she is not listening to you and you two don't really get a chance to work anything out together. An lastly, all mom hears is the bad about you, obviously she isn't going to like you or have anything good to say about you when she never hears anything good about you.

3. She is not speaking your love language. Does she love you and care about your needs? Does she want you to feel loved? You both need to "speak" to each other the way you each "hear" which will be different for each of you.

Make an appointment with her so she will be ready. Make sure the kids are in bed, even the newborn. She should not be nursing or tending to the baby, she needs to give this her full attention. Make sure you can keep your emotions on an even keel, keep everything "matter of fact". use the words "I feel" and not "you do this" type. Keep it short so she can get back to the baby and get her sleep.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO, I think shes telling her mother what she really should be telling you. Its quite possible what she has told her mother is how she feels. BUT, she should be communicating that to you, not her mom. Maybe it was meant for you to find those texts. Maybe she feels she can't talk to you about things? If she were to tell you she didn't appreciate you acting liked a baby, how would you react? Blow up and get pissed? Or sit down and try to talk things out rationally? 

You stated you do things for your wife such as making breakfast, helping with the laundry, etc, and those are good things, but it could be this is less about you doing, and more how about you might be reacting.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, I think your wife probably knows you are reading the texts. Your wife has a 6 week old baby, and you're complaining about the lack of action. I go in her favor. Give her another month and do try to help out. Women do generally complain to their parents. If you have a problem, perhaps you should use the text game too, where you send something to a friend and your wife sees it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How often are you getting upset or expressing your frustrations?

Your wife contends with a 4 year old and a six-week old on a daily basis. How about cutting her some slack in dealing with other people's frustrations. Venting to her mother might possibly prevent her from tearing her hair out or tearing you a new one.

Deal with your MIL the same way countless others deal with theirs - ignore her.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

jd08 said:


> I've written about her before on these boards but I need advice on how to deal with her and my wife in this situation.
> 
> Been married 6 years have a 4 year old and 6 week old baby.
> 
> ...


I went through the same thing with my MIL. Every arguement we had she heard about it, how "lazy" I was, didnt do anything to help my wife at home, "he is not good enough for you", never wanted to see MIL at holidays, etc, etc & etc.

I have heard it all from her and never said one negative thing to my MIL. Built her deck on her house for free, no thanks or anything. Put a battery in her car so she didnt have to have it towed, no thanks. 

Thats part of the reason we are separated too. I have asked numerous times for my MIL to stay out of our marriage business. Didnt bother me if she wanted to go out or do stuff as a family, I actually invited her to alot of functions but she always declined. 

my MIL had a bad marriage where her husband was abusive and a drunk all the time. From what I have heard about him, he gambled alot too and put them in debt.

So, I can honestly say that I tried to get along with my MIL.

sorry, rant over


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