# alone...



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

I had posted this over in the considering divorce section, but someone said I might be better served here..

Well, as a long time lurker, I finally decided it was time to post my story.
My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 9. We have a 8 year old son. Due to a turn in the economy, my husband took a job out of state- he works 4 weeks on, then has two weeks off. The distance has been hard, but we maintained. Summer of last year my husband was home and received a phone call from a woman who he quickly dismissed as a work call and hung up quickly. I was curious and took a glance at his voicemail. He had over 20 messages from this person, so I listened to some very friendly messages asking about my husbands day, etc. I confronted him and he said she was a friend who wanted to be more than friends. I asked him to please stop communications. He complied. I was hurt, angry and confused and he refused to talk about it without becoming angry with me for bringing it up. Things went downhill quickly from there. He began to withdraw from me, drinking more and stopped calling me when he was out of state at work. We decided to try counseling- (his idea) and it feels as though nothing had been acomplished. He did quit using alcohol and he finally had a sober conversation with me about our problems. He said "I love you but i'm not in love with you" He said he had put up and online profile on a dating website for finding "friends". He states he has not been unfaithful, but I have my concerns.

He has now asked to take care of his own bills, and has had his paycheck re-routed to his own checking account he opened out of town. He continues to say he wants to try 'to make it work'. He wants to continue couseling. He gave me a kiss goodbye when he left for work...but here I am 4 days after he went back and haven't heard from him in 3 days and my calls to him go unanswered. I'm confused, hurt and really don't know where to go or what to do. It's almost as if he turns into another person when he is at work...but when he's home even thought we are having problems, I can see glimpses of the person I married.

I am trying so hard to keep things together here. I also work full time, raise our child, take care of assorted animals, and am attending online school to advance my career. I have not really mentioned these things to my friends or family, I just don't know what to say to them or how to answer questions they will have.

I guess I don't know what i'm asking...I just want to spill my beans to someone.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just posting a link to your original thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/48454-no-one-talk.html

To reiterate, I had asked this question

Does he still work with that woman with whom he had inappropriate communications? How do you know he's not in contact with her? 

and you said



> He does not work the woman he had the contact with. She was a housekeeper at the hotel he used to stay at for work. He has changed hotels to get away from her.


you also said


> but when I flat out ask him [if he wanted a divorce], he says he does not want that. But then, 5 minutes later he said "I'm not good enough for you...you deserve better"...then 5 minutes after that he tells me he loves me. Honestly I am so confused....


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Then I said...

Just so you know, the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY) speech is generally a sign of an affair. When heard from someone who has clearly crossed marital boundaries in the past, I would say the accuracy rises above 99%.

He is gone a lot; he is far away from you; how do you know that he a. isn't still in contact with her or b. involved with someone else?

It sounds like even if this inappropriate relationship is over, the issues that caused him to make that stupid choice have simply been swept under the rug because he refuses to discuss them. 

You say counseling hasn't done a thing--well, when there are 3 people in a marriage, counseling is ineffective (read: pointless). Picture the two of you on a couch together while he holds hands with someone outside the room. I should know--6+ months of MC while my husband secretly maintained an affair. MC with our new counselor (trained in infidelity) with the affair over is a revelation. 


And you responded,



> I suspect there is someone else as well. He did 'meet' a friend online whom he speaks to 'occasionally' as someone to 'vent to'. When he was 'warmed up' I asked him more about her and she is divorced and has two children with special needs. He admitted to staying at her house because he has attempted to sober up, and left the hotel when he knew a party was going on that evening and he did not want to be pressured to drink. I don't know WHY i believe him when he said nothing happened. I truly am not a dumb person (I am an ER Nurse!) and can sniff out bull from a mile away....but perhaps I just don't want to believe it is happening to me...


And I said,
Even if he isn't in an affair with her, he is clearly seeking out inappropriate female companionship.

"Nothing happened" might be code for "we haven't had sex...yet" or "it's just an emotional affair" or it could be an outright lie. 

Let me ask you--as a married woman--do you think it's okay for your husband to stay at a single woman's home--presumably over night--to "sober up?" Don't they make hotel rooms for that purpose? Or does he have an apartment when he's away (what are his living arrangements when he's gone so long)? 

and you said,


> I do not think it's at all appropriate for this to happen, even for one night. When he first went out there for work they had hotel rooms, then they were encouraged to obtain an apartment. It was cheaper to get a apartment with a few other guys so he currently shares a home with two other men.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks iheartlife!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So to reexamine, he has said several different ways that he hasn't been unfaithful. 

Now, just to get you up to speed--cheater are liars. They start out lying to themselves (to justify the cheating) and then they start to lie to you to hide the affair. So ordinarily, you cannot believe anything a cheater tells you, because they have grown quite accustomed to lying to you and they will go to enormous lengths to protect an affair.

But let's assume he is telling the truth--or his version of it. If indeed this woman who he spent the night with (where "nothing" happened) is a person he's spending time with, then I take what he says to mean that they are in an emotional affair. 

She may not be the right person--perhaps there is yet again a 3rd woman, or multiple women. Part of the reason I say this is that if he is in a second inappropriate relationship (in addition to the housekeeper) he is a serial cheater.

But assuming this woman with two children is the target of his affections--she is a likely candidate. Emotional affairs are often based on mutual "rescuing"--she is in need of male companionship, she has a tough life caring for these children; meanwhile, he is lonely on the road. I don't say that to excuse his stupid selfish choice (if he is in an EA); but rather by way of explanation.

You started out posting in the Considering Divorce section. Do you want to try to save your marriage at all? or are you resigned to divorce?


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

I would like to save the marriage...but nights like these, when I haven't heard from him in 3 days makes me think that I would be happier divorced. :scratchhead:

It's all so confusing. I know when I talk to him he'll have some lame excuse about his phone being dead or packed away, then he'll tell me he loves me...then he'll talk about how his day has been and then tell me he has to go. If he were more of an jerk, I think it would be easier.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

I also feel a little like screaming when he talks about her. I'm sure he's quite charming to her and her children...he always wanted more kids (we have 1) and I basically refused because of his soberity issues that came to light when we had initally planned on having another.

these 2 women both had things in common...both single moms with small children. 

He got very upset with our MC when she suggested that our child doesn't 'miss him' when he's away because he doesn't act much like a father when he is home...perhaps he's trying to fill a void.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hereinnow said:


> It's all so confusing. I know when I talk to him he'll have some lame excuse about his phone being dead or packed away, then he'll tell me he loves me...then he'll talk about how his day has been and then tell me he has to go. If he were more of an jerk, I think it would be easier.


This is classic where cheaters are concerned. Again, I am making a lot of assumptions, because maybe he isn't a cheater. He's exhibited lots and lots of red flags, however. 

Assuming he's entered into some sort of inappropriate relationship, what's essentially going on is that he's "dating" while remaining married to you. Cheaters derive security from marriage--their spouses still meet some of their important needs. For example, you care for his son; he would have to do that if you vanish tomorrow from the earth.

Has he ever contemplated quitting this job and trying to work full-time in the town where you live?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hereinnow said:


> I also feel a little like screaming when he talks about her. I'm sure he's quite charming to her and her children...he always wanted more kids (we have 1) and I basically refused because of his soberity issues that came to light when we had initally planned on having another.


So how much does he talk about her? How often, and what does he say, precisely?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hereinnow said:


> I also feel a little like screaming when he talks about her. I'm sure he's quite charming to her and her children...he always wanted more kids (we have 1) and I basically refused because of his soberity issues that came to light when we had initally planned on having another.
> 
> these 2 women both had things in common...both single moms with small children.
> 
> He got very upset with our MC when she suggested that our child doesn't 'miss him' when he's away because he doesn't act much like a father when he is home...perhaps he's trying to fill a void.


What else do you know about these children? That strikes me as peculiar. An 8 year old is still pretty young--he has his own small child at home. I understand someone wanting more kids, but there is something odd about this, about his being drawn to single women with children.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

He has contemplated working back closer to home, but now states he really likes his job and is happy while at work. He also knows that he wouldn't be able to make the salary he makes closer to home. I asked if he would like it if we moved closer...he said no, because if it doesn't work out, he doesn't want to drag me further away from my family and friends.

He will mention her occasionally, but usually when I am asking him if anything is going on. Besides mentioning her first name, and her children's names, he has said she would be the type of person he would date if we were not together. He also said she had expressed intrest in becoming Catholic and he was going to sponsor her. I actually ended that, as I called the church and asked the priest if this situation was morally acceptable for sponsorship and he said no. My husband was livid that I did it, and I am not that vindictive...but I was very angry. He had sponsored ME in becoming Catholic...


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> What else do you know about these children? That strikes me as peculiar. An 8 year old is still pretty young--he has his own small child at home. I understand someone wanting more kids, but there is something odd about this, about his being drawn to single women with children.



The housekeeper had a 3 year old that my husband bought vitamins for because he said the child "wasn't eating right", and this lady has a 7 year old with autisim and a 14 year old with Fibro (i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around a 14 year old with Fibromyalgia)

He is a very caring person...he always has been.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

I think i'm lying to myself if I continue to believe that he's NOT a cheater...I just wish it was easier to be angry and move on and forward. I hate being in limbo. I have needs as well...I want to be loved and cared for, to be hugged and have someone to be intimate with. 

I angry, confused and heartbroken...and I don't know where to turn or what my next step should be. The signals I get from him are mixed...


----------



## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

He is making you feel crazy for wanting him to be a faithful husband. He is nice to you because you still have to care for his needs and the house, child, etc. If you get mad, you wont be easy to use. He talks ab out the children he is "helping" because now his cheating is making him a good guy. He is pleading his bad behavior to you as a nice story and you are going along with it. Do you still want him, as a liar and a cheat, as a husband to you and father to child? You are now involved in doing that to make yourself believe it is easier and he will change for you. The fact is he is not confused, he wants it all--you and other woman and freedom of job away from home. He gets it all that way.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hereinnow said:


> I think i'm lying to myself if I continue to believe that he's NOT a cheater...I just wish it was easier to be angry and move on and forward. I hate being in limbo. I have needs as well...I want to be loved and cared for, to be hugged and have someone to be intimate with.
> 
> I angry, confused and heartbroken...and I don't know where to turn or what my next step should be. The signals I get from him are mixed...


Unfortunately, the signs are crystal clear. You cannot see them now because you are not yet ready. 

You must though. You have to protect your self and your child. Your husband is separated from you without informing you. He has dissented from you financially by separating finances, communication is cut off and he separated physically and psychologically. Your husband in gone. 

Try to see reality so that you can act. He is running a cruel game. He is keeping you in reserve just in case thinks don't work out with the other woman. He will still have a place to camp out when he is in town. 

I am certain that he does not want the finacial hit. If the woman he is cheating with is financially needy and he is so voice, the resources you and your child should be getting is going to her and her children. That is why he separated finances. 

You have no boundaries and little self protective instincts and probably low self esteem. 

There is no possible alternate explanation for his actions, none. Yet you are confused. Please wake up and face reality. 

Get to a lawyer and get a formal separation and financial arrangements and visitation. The lawyer can get his financial records to see where money is going. 

If you don't take action you will be hurt emotionally and finically. Leave with your dignity and don't let him get away with treating you like a fool. 

He is very certain you will not leave and he can do as he pleases. He will leave when it is convenient for him. You are cooperating. 

Why should you and your child be his 5th and 6th choice behind an OW and her 3 kids? You and your child are not worth so little are you? 

Act in your own interest and the of your child. Don't let this be the model of a relationship your child sees.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

As hard as it is to hear that Catherine, I think deep down I know it's true. I am not this crying, sad person that I've become lately. Our MC said she saw a much more confident, strong person when I came seperate from my Husband...something about him turns me into mush. Why? I think i'm still in love with the memories of what was...argh.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am so sorry. Have you considered individual counseling? Your MC cannot really fill that role. I found IC to be incredibly healing.

I would go and visit a divorce attorney as soon as possible. The main reason is to protect yourself financially. He may be doing things to try to cut you off monetarily in a future legal proceeding. You need to know your rights and take these steps. As hard as it is to believe that he is in some type of inappropriate relationship(s), it is sometimes even harder to buy into a spouse leaving you high and dry. But it happens all the time and you need to guard your child, if not yourself.

His very religious nature puts an interesting twist on this. He will probably be horrified if you file divorce. If you were trying to reconcile with him, the advice under your circumstances would be to file for divorce anyhow. The theory is to shock him into choosing--you or the road. If you had more concrete evidence, the other thing would be to expose the inappropriate relationship (if it exists) simultaneously with filing D, without warning him first. That is, if he has family, etc., people he respects. Exposure (if he is in an affair) would also have the effect of warning people, he didn't just meet his affair partner after separation; this was something he entered into without your knowledge.

I wonder if he has pondered how to get an annulment. That would be another thing to discuss with your priest--head this off at the pass now. Make sure that you have legally (from the Catholic Church's perspective) prevented an annulment. The fact that you were not Catholic before should have no effect--the Church still fully recognizes such marriages. But I would get a full understanding of how he might try this. 

If he's looking in to sponsoring this woman, he's likely setting this up so he has a brand-new replacement family all ready to go. Can't exactly have a Catholic family while living together, unmarried.

One last question. You mention that he is very "caring," referring to how he's helping the children that these women have. Can you give us any other examples of his caring nature--how he volunteers in the community, how he exhibits these caring traits--to people other than you or your son. Who are the various recipients of this type of care and attention.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I am so sorry. Have you considered individual counseling? Your MC cannot really fill that role. I found IC to be incredibly healing.
> 
> I would go and visit a divorce attorney as soon as possible. The main reason is to protect yourself financially. He may be doing things to try to cut you off monetarily in a future legal proceeding. You need to know your rights and take these steps. As hard as it is to believe that he is in some type of inappropriate relationship(s), it is sometimes even harder to buy into a spouse leaving you high and dry. But it happens all the time and you need to guard your child, if not yourself.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


Well. I spoke to him today. I don't feel any better about the situation. I researched law offices in town and printed out all the paperwork they want filled out for a preliminary appointment. He asked me again if I set up another appointment with the MC. I asked him if that's what he really wanted, he said yes. I was brutally honest with him about the lack of fairness in this relationship and how upset he is making me and it's affecting his child indirectly. I told him that our child does not deserve a sad mother. He admitted that he felt his relationship was inappropriate and admitted if I were to persue a similar thing, he would be upset and hurt. 

I agreed to make the appointment with the MC, but I will also visit with the attorney to look over my rights and options.


----------



## teb1601 (Jun 12, 2012)

hereinnow said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> I researched law offices in town and printed out all the paperwork they want filled out for a preliminary appointment.
> 
> I agreed to make the appointment with the MC, but I will also visit with the attorney to look over my rights and options.


I read all the posts and it seems you've changed during this 24 hours (you were creating the thread yesterday right?) from a confused woman to a woman who know her right and what she's supposed to do. The road ahead won't be easy but I think it's better than the alternative. You've made the right call.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We are here for you.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

teb1601 said:


> I read all the posts and it seems you've changed during this 24 hours (you were creating the thread yesterday right?) from a confused woman to a woman who know her right and what she's supposed to do. The road ahead won't be easy but I think it's better than the alternative. You've made the right call.


I think just spilling my guts and thoughts were what I needed to do. I don't want to go through a divorce, but I can't continue to live miserable. Unless I see some real breakthrough at our next MC session (i'm not very optimistic about that), I will continue my path with the attorney.


----------



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> We are here for you.


Thanks


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

hereinnow said:


> Unless I see some real breakthrough at our next MC session (i'm not very optimistic about that).


and you shouldn't be. Your husband is having an affair and like many other cheaters he is using the guise of marriage counseling to fence sit/cake eat and to ease his own guilt. It's buying time and clearing his conscious a little. It's a farce.


----------

