# Help! How can i save my marriage?



## kbanz (May 27, 2010)

First id like to start off by saying that i had no idea a forum like this existed and im glad it does because i need some motivation and help. 
Here's my story. I know its long but please take the time to read it. I just want to get all the info out so i can get the best advice possible.

Im 24 years old and im in the Army. I met my wife when i got to my first duty station. She was my first real love. We didnt date long at all. The first time i met her was in September 2006 and we got married March 2007. Dating her was great she was a sweet girl with a wonderful family. I was a troubled soldier at the time and she knew it. There where a couple times i just got fed up at work and left. She stood by me through all the madness. At that point i knew she was the one. We ended up deploying a lot faster than expected because of the Iraq surge so we got married 2 days before i left. Then the fairytale ended.

During the 15 month deployment i was a monster to her. She did everything she could to make me happy during that time, and i would fly off the handle at stupid minute things. There where times id get so mad it would cause her to cry. Sometimes even throw up. The 2 week vacation back home wasnt all that great either. She was so excited to see me and things where alright but there where still fights. I even ended up making her cry one day and remember her asking me "who are you?" I never felt so bad in my life.

Now before you start thinking im some a*****e let me tell you that you are probably right. But i do have a heart. When i would see the damage id cause id stop immediately and try to fix things. The only problem is that they would end up happening again a week or 2 later. It was like a roller coaster ride.
You see i have an anger problem, and im not a happy soldier. She didn't see the anger inside me because we where in the "best behavior" phase when we where around each other. Im actually very unhappy being in the army and i am on antidepressants for it. I had a bad childhood where my father was a severe alcoholic and it was normal for me to hear my dad calling my mother names and constantly fighting. I ended up thinking it was normal. I would call my wife all kinds of names and we where always fighting. Never physical just verbal but i never thought it was such a big deal. I didn't understand how bad verbal abuse really is.

Despite my unhappiness in the Army i re-enlisted while in Iraq because the deployment was so hard on our marriage, and we found out that we would be back in Iraq within 12 months. So i re-enlisted to go to a non deploying unit, away from her family but not too far away (3 hr drive i wanted to ease her away gradually so she could get used to not being able to drive 20 min to see her parents whenever she wanted.) I chose this location also because she could do a 100% transfer of her college credits and get into the nursing program at the school here.

So we moved here and things weren't really any better I took a pay cut on my housing allowance and couldn't find a place that was affordable. So things got a little tighter. This new unit although it does not deploy is the absolute worst possible unit i can imagine being in. VERY long hours sometimes up to 18 hr days, no time off, sometimes i will work 2 weeks straight. So i never had much time at home. Not to mention i would always go home in a bad mood and end up taking it out on her. 
She got into the nursing program and was ALWAYS doing homework, and studying. We never had time to do anything anymore. So there weren't many good times. 
Last year was also rough because i have a muscle car i love to modify. I wanted to have some work done to the motor to make it more powerful and i took it to an "expert mechanic" in the same car club. He destroyed my motor within 1 day. It had to be rebuilt 100%. That cost me around $1500. After it was "fixed" i found out the hard way he dropped a bolt on top of one of my pistons. That ended up costing me an additional $1700. 
My wife was VERY mad about this whole situation but i kept on spending money on the car. Buying even things i didnt need because it made me happy. 
I was glad to see 2009 gone when the new year started. I was happy because i was thinking my wife would get out of school and things would be better. But i was wrong. 
After finding porn on my computer a few times, the last time being November 2009 (which she considers porn cheating.) Things weren't the same. I sensed something inside of her was off. But i figured it'd be fine. Fast forward to Feb this year. Things still are bad but much worse than before. So i installed a keystroke logger on her comp because she wasn't talking to me. I wanted to know what was up. I learned she was on the brink of leaving me. In fact i learned that she was ready to do it. She just wanted me to screw up so she could act on it. 
It hit me like a Mack truck. What have i done to us? How can i fix this? Immediately did a 180 and started trying to be the perfect husband. I even got us going to marriage consoling. I did EVERYTHING i could think of for her. I ended up smothering her and it didn't help. She moved out almost 2 months ago. She hasn't called me on her own free will since. She graduated school and is looking for a job either back home or locally and she knows i will be moving to another duty station soon. She asked for a divorce. She no longer wears her ring, and also has taken all pictures with me in them off of facebook. She says she is happy now. (and no she isn't seeing someone else.) But im left here still wearing my ring trying to do everything i can. Im going to counseling to deal with my problems, Im also going to anger management counseling, and im no longer drinking. Im trying to do anything and everything i can to stop this divorce from happening. Im willing to do whatever. She knows this all too but says its too late. What should i do? I cant give up on her.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I read your whole story and don't worry about the long post. It seems that everyone (myself included) usually writes a ton on their first post. My wife left just over 3 weeks ago...almost 4 now, and I'm still an emotional wreck. You will find this forum very helpful and it's good that you are seeking counseling. 

I'm still in panic mode myself and I'm just now getting to where I can even function. So with that being said I'm not the best person here to give advice. But I can give you support. That being said the best I can tell you right now is that you should keep going to counseling, refrain from any contact right now, and just vent here. Again I'm still struggling with all this myself but I promise that is the best you can do right now. It sounds like you have been pretty selfish my friend; now it's time to give her what she wants, which is space. 

I'm sure that someone here with much more experience and knowledge will post soon to lend you advice. My thoughts are with you man, because trust me, my heart is a shattered right now over being stupid and slow to act.


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## kbanz (May 27, 2010)

I appreciate your reply man. Im sorry you are going through this also. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I hope things work out for you.


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

I completely agree...you need to give her space...the more you try the further away she goes. Not to kick you while your down, yes yo have been selfish, however in the coming days you too will se that it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage., Both of you are at some point responsible...so don't beat yourself up to bad. Learn from it.


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## kbanz (May 27, 2010)

yeah i know ive been real selfish about things.. I purchased a couple guns a year ago and she didnt want me to but i did. I didnt really care if she didnt want me to spend the money because we didnt have much.. I had a she will get over it mentality. I understand the disrespect, and selfishness now. 

Something id like to add to the original post is that she does not trust me. She does not trust that i can change into a better person and stay that way. This comes from all the times that ive said things will be better and then would revert. I am trying to give her space. Its hard because i feel like the more space she gets the more she is going to move on. Like i said she does not txt, msg, or call me for any reason whatsoever. I have to initiate the communication.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

reading your post was almost reading about my marriage. In the sense that I was the one who caused the pain in marriage but only to punish him and now I am paying the painful price. My H told me that because I treated him so badly throughout our whole marriage he began to resent me and thus fell out of love with me. Like you I also knew when I was acting bad and could not stop me. I was jealous and controlling. So pushed I him away. I didn't do anything to help me or our situation. Now I find myself begging me for his forgiveness and like your wife my H wont contact me at all unless I make the first move. 

We have been separated for 1 month now and nothing has changed between us. Give her time and space as everyone else recommends and perhaps if you show her that you have truly changed maybe she will reconsider. I am having trouble because I have all the guilt on my shoulders, but I need to begin healing so that I may move on from this, feel better look better and maybe he might see me in a different light. Good luck!


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## pioneer (May 28, 2010)

You absolutely need to get into individual counseling... like yesterday... 

You also need to talk with your squad leader / platoon sergeant to make this happen. You can get the time off to make your appointments.

It appears to me that you need to be in control. Since you are unable to be in control of your unit activities and your NCO's, you seek an outlet for that control... Your marriage.....

At least you admit to having anger issues. Bi-polar perhaps? Or, you need an outlet for release that energy.... There are gyms all over your base. Do extra PT. Anything POSITIVE to release that energy. Do not resort to alcohol or drugs. You do not want to destroy your career, if you choose to make the Army a career.

Give your lady the space she wants. She deserves it, don't you think?

Ask yourself, what would you do if she treated you that way and did all the crap that you did? How would you feel?

I wish you the best of luck. 

Thank you for your service.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I forgot that you being in the military you can seek a therapist so it can help you cope. When my H was in the military he suggested we to go marriage counseling and like a fool I refused.


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## kbanz (May 27, 2010)

Thanks Prelude and Pioneer for the responses.
I am seeing an on post therapist and have already setup through military one source for the anger management off post. You hit the nail on the head pioneer with the control aspect. (BTW nice avatar i have a Camaro Z28 that i love.) I do not believe i am Bi-Polar. I just have some anger issues to work on and i need to figure out how to drop my tunnel vision/obsessive personality.

Prelude, as a woman who has refused counseling do you have any advice to give to me on how to convince the wife to go to marriage counseling? She has also refused to see specialist in marriage counseling with me. The place where we where going for marriage counseling the first time wasn't dedicated towards marriages and i feel that it didn't help much at all. 
I plan to give her space as recommended. So far i have. Communication has been at a minimum aside from the 2 times i slipped up and tried to talk her into coming home which didn't work at all.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

My H did not convince me to go to therapy per say. He suggested we should go to counseling after a year of being married when the trouble began. At the time I thought I could fix myself, or time would heal, but 5 years later and nothing really. Yea I changed my behavior but internally I was tormented by resentment and I changed because I did not want to lose my H. I am seeking now therapy because coping on my own is not working at all. And I am desperate to do what it takes to save my marriage.

I do confess that the last months of being together I knew I need professional help because I was sinking into a deep depression and again it was affecting us because I was becoming distant but I or we never made the attempt to seek professional help. 

When H asked me for a separation I suggested marriage counseling and this time he refused because he said he gave up on a long time ago. He said he pretty much fell out of love. It kills me to know that if we want like I want my H to change his mind I recognize that it might take a long time. I mean it took me about 4 years to start changing and stop resenting him. To think of everything that I put him through time after time, and here I am a month into our separation and I can't handle it? 

It kills me to know that it will take time for him to feel anything for me again. He is not willing to save our marriage "as if right now" according to him. 

Give your wife time and patience. Just think of everything that happen between the both of you and think how many (perhaps like me) time you said you were going to change and didn't. Put yourself in her shoes as I am doing in his now. However, you also do not deserve to feel such way. You must learn to own your mistakes, accept them and begin to heal. And I hope that she heals as well because this situation is not easier on her either. Be patient and time will heal the both of you. Don't stop therapy read self help book, do not isolate your self because loneliness can be your enemy. I suggest get a journal and write down what you feel and you will see that in time your perspective of things will change for the greater good of you becoming a better person. 

As I am writing to you I realize that I must also move on the next phase. I can tell you that you came to the right place because many of us here are experiencing similar feelings although our situations might be different. But here you will find the help and support you might need. 

Learn to forgive yourself, heal yourself, love yourself, and the change in you will happen. Peace!


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## p59 (Oct 21, 2010)

Man, I feel for you my wife of 14 years just had an affair and I was still willing to work it out and she says no that this new guy well be her friend with benefits. Hit me like a ton of bricks. On top of it all I was hoping to spend thanksgiving with her family one last time and she tells me she may bring this other guy there.


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