# Depressed/Addicted ex. Should I tell him now or later?



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I hope someone on this board who is familiar with depression (and alcoholism) can give me some advice. 

My boyfriend and I broke up a little less than 2 months ago. We had lived with each other for only 3 months until I moved out because he could not get his binge drinking, drug use and subsequent raging under control. I knew when I met him he was diagnosed with depression but he said he was taking medication to help. I later found out that was a lie. When I left he had just started a new a job a couple months before that he absolutely hated but he was unemployed for a year prior. He was always late for work on Monday’s (because of his weekend binging activities) and he just could not get along with his superiors. My ex has always felt entitled to many things in life and if he didn’t get what he thought he deserved (respect and kudos for a job well done) he would blame others. Nothing was ever his fault. I should mention that he does exhibit signs of narcissism. He has very low self esteem which hides behind arrogance. 

Anyway, in the span of 2 months he had to deal with me moving out (which he knew about for a few weeks before I did it), his ex being upset that he was paying less in child support while he was unemployed which led to his kids (aged 13 and 16) being mad at him as they were just starting school and needed stuff. After I moved out he was having issues making his car payments and mortgage payment so he put an ad on Craigslist for a roommate which he really didn’t want to do. But he was feeling a little better because between his job and the roommate he was starting to see the financial light again. But it all came crashing down when he got fired last week. Before, and especially since he lost his job, he has been binging on alcohol, drugs and abusing his anti-anxiety medication. He has zero coping skills. 

Before I moved out he made no effort to change, ask me to stay and go to counseling. He was pissed off at ME for the demise of our relationship and all I could do was be sad and cry. Now he wants me back. He calls me, drunk or sober, crying and pleading for a 2nd chance. But the tables have turned. I am moving on emotionally from the relationship. I am living on my own again, I have been going to therapy and I have found my dependence and happiness again. I do not want him back. Even if he did get his life back under control and made changes there are more reasons why we aren’t a good fit. I wish I didn’t have my head in the sand about those things when we first started dating. 

So my question to you is -- Even though I haven’t said there is a chance of working things out, I haven’t said there wasn’t one either. I know that deep down he has a false sense of hope that we could work out. Do I add insult to injury by telling him now that he needs to stop contacting me and we will never be together or do I just wait it out for a while longer until things in his life turn around? According to my ex he has been suicidal in the past and he said he is feeling the same way now. I am afraid of pushing him over the edge. How do I handle this? My conscious is eating me alive. The other piece of this is that he might not be making certain decisions in the hope we will be together again. For example moving to another state where his kids live for them, work and essentially a fresh start. 

Thanks for reading.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Good for you for watching out for yourself. In the long run staying wouldn't help him and it certainly would hurt you. The hints at prior attempts of suicide sound like manipulation to me. If it comes up directly, have a suicide hotline number handy for him and tell him to call that and not you.

Unless you feel like there may be a chance someday to get back together with this guy. Tell him to stop contacting you. Only he can start fixing himself. NOTHING, and a I emphisis NOTHING you do for him can help him. Seeing you move out of his sphere of insanity might, maybe (not always) help him relaize he has the issue and needs to work on himself. 

You can play your no contact request a few different ways. 
- Cold, just tell him to stop. Block his numbers and if he finds ways around that threaten a restraining order. You don't need to give him any reasons. All he needs to know is that you no longer want to have contact with him.
- Lie, give him the "it's not you it's me" speech. You enable him to delude himself, so I'm not a fan of this approach. But it let's him 'off the hook' so to speak and often the delusional have an easier time accepting the lie.
- Loving truth. You think at his core he could be a great guy, but he has a lot of issues that he needs to work on before he should be in a relationship with anyone. That you don't want to talk to him again until he is at least a year or two down the path to a meaningful recovery. 

There are probably other approaches. But those are my ideas.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Acoa, thank you for taking the time to respond. I decided today to go with Option #3 -- Loving truth. It was hard because a part of me had to come across as very self serving and self centered when I explained that I was happier being alone than I had been with him the last month or so of our relationship. I explained that he needs to get to a healthier place as an individual before he can enter into a healthy relationship. And I proceeded to tell him that it would not ever be with me. I chose to do it today as opposed to a few days ago because I wanted to wait until he was on his way to another state to see his family. I figured now would be the best time as he'll be there for a few days and he'll be surrounded by those who can love, support and guide him. 

Right now I am just feeling guilty that I don't feel guilty. Know what I mean? He's been texting, emailing and calling non-stop since I sent him that email this morning and all I can do is ignore. I just don't have the emotional strength or incentive to help him anymore. 

Stick a fork in me. 

Anyway, thanks again for your feedback and understanding!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

/hug

I'm proud of you. That took guts.


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