# Trying to cope with wife's depression



## madeinengland (May 17, 2012)

Hi,

I've been with my wife for 5 years now, and she has suffered with depression though all this time. It wasn't officially diagnosed until 18 months ago, but the symptoms and issues have been a prominent feature of our relationship.

She started taking a course of antidepressants at the start of this year, and made a significant improvement to the point where she felt able to stop taking them after 3 months or so, a step I supported. In the last month, however, things have worsened.

She took a holiday to Africa with a friend in April, and on return was markedly different. She hardly returned my welcome hug at the airport and spent much of the day of her return snapping at me or sleeping (I'd be happy to write this off as jet-lag and post holiday blues, but she managed to reduce me to tears twice on the day she returned). She wasn't interested in me or what I had done at home whilst she was away, and only wanted to discuss how much she enjoyed being away and that she wanted to return.

She stated a new job shortly after her return, but felt it was too stressful and was making her ill again, so after two weeks she resigned and is now unemployed, meaning we have to survive on my wage, which isn't possible in the long run. By the end of next month we will be broke and unable to pay the rent unless things change. This is adding more stress to us.

I love my wife very, very much but I have a low sex drive and don't always physically show this, though I will always try to in other ways. Since she returned from holiday she has been very distant with me, and this has in turn made me afraid to approach her as when she rejects my attempts to kiss or cuddle, it knocks my confidence also. Last night she took me to task for not approaching her as often, but I can't mention that I feel she, too, is distant and hard to reach as this triggers more aggressive bouts of her depression.

Her aggression is never physical, but it is frightening. She is verbally abusive, and will make nasty, personal comments. I know that this isn't my wife talking, its the depression, but it's so hard to deal with.

Last night we talked about the future for a long time, and she mentioned her desire to live abroad (something I don't want to do) and even discussed her leaving me as she felt I was 'holding her back' (along with her mother, too, I should add).

All I want is a happy, safe, secure life with my wife, our pets and to clear our debts and enjoy our time together. I'm scared she wants much more than this, and if I don't agree to her wants, she will leave me. I'm also scared that it's her depression which is making her act like this, and that if she could overcome this, she might want something different. She does swing from one desire to another, and I'm so worried that if things do continue to deteriorate, and she does leave me, that later down the line she might regret this as an action caused by her depression, and it may harm her more in the long run.

I'm also scared that I can't cope with her aggression, her mood swings and our constant issues much longer. It's affecting my work and I can't concentrate. I'm not a workaholic, and my home life is much more important, but I do need to hold down a steady, reliable job in order to support us.

I don't expect much advice I can't already give myself (persuade her to go to her doctor or a psychiatrist, give her space and time and love and support) but I did need to say all this, to verbalise it in a public environment and if somebody can empathise, sympathise or suggest anything I could try, I would dearly appreciate it.

Thanks guys


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

England, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such difficulties with your W of five years.


madeinengland said:


> Her aggression is never physical, but it is frightening. She is verbally abusive, and will make nasty, personal comments. I know that this isn't my wife talking, its the depression....


Perhaps so. Another possibility to consider, however, is that the depression is merely a side effect of a personality disorder (PD). I mention this because depression typically can manifest as irritability and occasional flashes of anger but, with "frightening" aggression, I'm not so sure. At issue, then, is whether you are seeing the effects of depression or, instead, an underlying problem that is more serious.

I therefore ask whether she was diagnosed by a clincal psychologist or, rather, only a general medical doctor? Did the depression exist all through your courtship period or, rather, suddenly start soon after you were married? Did she have a rough childhood, particularly before age five? Does she have great difficulty trusting you?


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## DeepPurple (May 22, 2012)

madeinengland said:


> She started taking a course of antidepressants at the start of this year, and made a significant improvement to the point where she felt able to stop taking them after 3 months or so, a step I supported. In the last month, however, things have worsened.


There's your problem right there. 

My wife suffers from clinical depression and anxiety. She has been on medications for many years now, and about every six months or so, she'll get to the point where she feels she doesn't need to take her medications anymore. I remind her that she must keep taking them, but sometimes she will say she is and doesn't. Although, by her moods, I can usually tell that she has and I get her back on track.

Additionally, if she quits her meds cold turkey, that can worsen matters. Even if she is told by her doctor she can stop taking them, she MUST taper off of them. Quitting any AD or anxiety med cold turkey is a bad idea. 

And as her mood swings sound pretty bad, you may want to consider having her checked for bipolar disorder. That could bring about the nasty mood swings as well.

But, the main thing is, she should stay on her meds even though she doesn't feel she needs to, unless the doctor tells either you or her that it's ok to come off of them. And, like I said, she has to be tapered off. 

Hope this helps.


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## ALongBattle (May 24, 2012)

You wrote my own story ... my wife has been battling depression her whole life (only recently diagnosed). Work consumes her and she gets no satisfaction from family activities or simply seeing the smiling faces of our kids. She went on a business trip to Europe, fell in love with the country, met a co-worker from the remote office and started an online fling. When she returned I got the cold shoulder, said she wanted to separate etc. Very little warning signs. She was on Effexor at the time.

When they are depressed, they cling to any bit of happiness, feel suddenly alive and in control and assume everything else and someone else is causing their depression. Reality eventually settles in, but it takes a lot of counseling. Our marriage counselor suggested to me in confidence that I should let her leave and that she'd be back within a week once reality set in.

Its a long battle, it never stops and its hard to suggest they continue their therapy or different medication as they desperately want to believe nothing is wrong with them.

My wife's business came crashing down and once again wants to leave. This time I'm willing to let her go, but its a risk/fear I bear, as we have young children that she struggles to manage on the rare times I'm away on business for a few days.

Good luck ... it never ends from what I can tell. I have three friends in the same boat, committed to helping our spouses as we see it as a disease and would only hope under similar circumstances our spouses would return the support (say if I had cancer).


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## angelguy (May 25, 2012)

You need some real counseling, the truth is that we men do not realize that our wives are incubators.They give back to us what we give to them. give a woman groceries and she will give you a meal, give her sperm and she will give you a child, give her a house she will give you a home and give her trouble, she will give you hell. The other side of the coin is that your wife also needs counseling too. I gave counseling to a couple on something close to your case and it was discovered that the whole problem was a very little thing which the wife had enlarged in her subconscious. A lot articles can be found on this issue of depression in marriages and among spouses. No matter what course she's taken , the answer still lies within.


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## Roxx (May 26, 2012)

Make certain she didn't have an affair while in Africa. Depressed people hang on to any bits of happiness they can find - even if it is morally against their character.


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