# Considering Divorce and Need Advice



## pinklady120 (Jul 9, 2013)

I have been married for almost 7 years. We have a 3 year old son and have already separated twice. Both times were my doing and both times I got back together with him because he seemed to have changed. Both times he did change a little, but as we have gotten older he has gotten worse in other ways.
When we first got married my husband had only slept with 1 other person and he seemed to be addicted to sex. If I said no he would force himself on me. I big him once and he choked me, I never fought back again. Most say there is no such thing as rape in marriage, including my husband. I left him after that first hear, when we got back together he never forced himself on me again, but he still took out his aggression on me in other ways. We dated for 2 years before marriage and he was amazing. He changed so much after we got married it was like two different people. 
The second time it was because we had our son and he spent most of his time at work or out with friends while I stayed home with the baby and I didn't get any help with a single thing. My husband has not once put my son to bed, gotten up with him in the middle of the night, stayed with him alone for more than an hour, given him a bath, and he has only taken him to the bathroom 3 times and changed 5 diapers. He will contest to this. I am a stay at home mom and I understand what that includes, but that doesn't mean that he comes home from work and does nothing else. He has home responsibilities too, and part of loving someone is wanting to help make their days easier every once in a while. I only get to sleep in about once every 6 months including vacations and long weekends and days off. I am exhausted. On top of this I have been going to college for the past year and he has not lifted a finger to help more besides playing with our son when I cook dinner and taking him to look at toys when we are in a store and I want to look at something. 
My husband is selfish and verbally abusive. He "jokes" all the time and it is absolutely hurtful. I tell him so and he says I can't take a joke. He blows up over little things and I feel like I walk on egg shells daily. His parents are aware and act like it is just normal and the way he is. They have apologized to me for him before and taken steps to help me avoid his wrath occasionally. 
He won't let me go see my family, they live 4 hour away (his family lives in our town and we see them almost daily). He says that I have to wait until he has time off to go and feels like it. If I want to go spend a week with my grandmother he says I'm choosing my family over him and that he is the last person I consider in my decisions. He tells me I'm selfish and inconsiderate and only use him for a pay check.
Truth be told I feel like I do absolutely everything on my own but earn the money for our bills. 
He is racist and a bigot. He embarrasses me in front of our friends by the things he says, they are so belligerent, I can't stand the things he says sometimes. It mortifies me. He talks about people we see while driving, if they are fat, or ugly, or dressed funny, I don't want my son growing up thinking this is ok.
He tells me how to dress and I have to stand ground to not get heat from him for wearing shoes or pants he doesn't like. He gives me crap about wearing things he doesn't like, or wanting hair cuts he doesn't like because the way I look reflects on him and appearance is everything. I am not a slouch, but I'm not going to put myself in pain to look good either, I'm not that kind of person. 
He is constantly stressed about money and blows up on me for buying things for the house like toilet paper and laundry detergent but he goes to the gas station every day on the way to work to buy food when we have food at home. He won't go without but we need to cut back.
Now, with all of that said, there are days that he shocks me with his actions. We went and saw fireworks with my single friend and her 4 year old son. He sat with the kids in the car so they could watch cartoons (we had to get there 3 hours early to get a parking spot) while my friend and I played a board game. He hardly ever does stuff like that. Or getting my son dressed a few days ago after a shower (while another friend was visiting from out of town). 
I don't know what to do. I am miserable. I hate having sex with him and I'm pretty sure it's emotional scars left from our first year of marriage, but I have sex with him anyway because I am his wife and I feel like I have to, and if I don't he will get so pissed eventually or beg me for hours that I will do it to get him to stop. He tells me that he is nicer to me when he gets sex every couple days and if he doesn't he is mean to me. So if I give him sex when he wants he will not be mean and hateful. 
My friends have seen how controlling and mean he is, my family has seen it, his family has seen it. I feel like maybe it's my fault I have sex, and maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I should just stay because it is the right thing to do and it's not so bad sometimes. But ultimately I don't feel like I love him. I am not attracted to him because his meanness makes him ugly to me. 
I know this was a long post, but I just needed to get it out.
Also we just bought our first house about 6 months ago and my name isn't on it because I don't have credit, so I'm not sure what will happen there. I can go to my Dad's empty house 5 minutes away, I can't leave town because of certain child custody laws and because of school for me. Any advice would be good. No other man involved, I'm not even thinking about that right now. I just don't want to be so unhappy anymore. I think I've had enough.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He sounds controlling and abusive, and I certainly don't blame you for wanting out.

Have you ever considered marriage counselling? I think that it's a necessity if you want to try to salvage your marriage. But getting him there is probably not going to happen.

Go consult with a lawyer (free consultation) to educate yourself on your state's divorce laws. 

If you've been a SAHM, you will more than likely get spousal support for a few years, as well as child-support.

How did he react when you separated in the past? You say he changed "a little". Was it just manipulation to get you to move back?


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## pinklady120 (Jul 9, 2013)

I don't know if he is manipulative or not to be honest. It's really hard to tell sometimes. He is so passionate about everything (and I mean EVERYTHING, including his anger, his hair, and his dinner). It seems like he sincerely changes but then he evolves and becomes worse in other ways, or he makes it seem like the things he does are justified in a way that takes me a little while to realize what is happening. I know it makes me sound kind of dense but it's hard to explain. 
We went to counseling the last time we separated and it helped in the beginning until we stopped going because he felt like we ran out of issues to talk about and would just bring fights up from the week before that we had already gotten over. The only thing he got out of counselling really is that he needs to tell me to leave him alone when I get frustrated and confront him about something because I am "pushing his buttons" and he doesn't want to "loose his temper" and that we need to have more sex to keep our marriage healthy and I will not want sex unless I have more and that sex cures all marital problems.
I'm just so confused. I keep second guessing myself because I don't want to screw up my life, I've gotten used to the way it is and I am scared to make this big of a change. It's like I make excuses for him to myself.


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