# Help with a controlling wife



## incognitious (Mar 27, 2013)

First post...I'm new at this. We are both in our early 30's, married for two years and have know each other for much longer. Good jobs, house, no kids, etc. The issue I am dealing with is my wife is very controlling. In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens. I don't feel that I have ever done anything to make her this way and she was this way in the beginning and I just ignored it.

She is fanatical to say the least. She focuses on certain things that may be bothering her and there is zero reasoning with her. She doesn't consider my point of view or any external factors. She nags relentlessly. I have blown up on her several times and she seems totally unfazed although sometimes she will cry. She rarely apologizes for creating this descension. 

She is extremely controlling. She asks for details about my day and she is especially interested in what other people said at work and what interactions I had with other people. She asks constantly what I am thinking about. When I get a text message or phone call, she runs over to my phone before me and reads my text messages. If I want to text a friend or a relative (which isn't even a daily occurence) she gets mad. I feel that I do more housework, yardwork, fixing things, dishes, etc than she does. I don't think she has ever once cooked an entire meal for me although she usually helps with prep work.

She is very clingy. She always wants to hold hands, or wants a kiss before I leave the room. She calls and texts me sometimes for unimportant things- I think she is just checking up on me. She seems unreasonable on many things and many things are non negotiable, she only sees her side. She likes to tell me and other people what to do. I keep telling her that you can't tell people what to do.

I am a calm and patient person and a hard worker but this is very wearing on me. It is taking an emotional and physical toll. I routinely clench my teeth and fiddle around due to the stress and anxiety caused by this. There have even been times we were driving and she was nagging me so much I felt like crashing the car or hoped I got pulled over so I could tell the cop to arrest me to get me out of the situation! This is also affecting my concentration at work.

All this being said, we have a lot of great things going and we are compatible on a lot of levels. It is just that her behavior keeps pushing me further and further, it is almost soul crushing. I am having a really hard time seeing a long and happy relationship ahead given the current situation. Can anyone help?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I feel scared for you. Get into couples therapy as soon as possible. Your walking on eggshell in year two of a marriage is not a good sign.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Walk her over to the door. Show her how it opens and closes. Direct her attention to the interior of the house. Tell her, "here is where two equal, loving, adult partners treat each other with respect and who solve problems through loving compromise. Direct her attention outdoors. "That is where pushy women go." "You can be boss or you can be married." "Choose."


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

She needs to get help. Maybe it can help if she realizes she can lose you if she keep treating you like that. 

You are not a toy of her property... You're her husband and if she really loves you she needs to understand that. She's supposed to make you feel happy NOT make you feel like running away. 

I used to be like that at the beggining of my marriage... Sometimes I think like her ( maybe not at that level) and I have to keep reminding myself I can't control him or what he does and being this controlling it's only going to make him run away from me. Also, this make ME unhappy... 

Have you asked her is she's happy?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

incognitious said:


> First post...I'm new at this. We are both in our early 30's, married for two years and have know each other for much longer. Good jobs, house, no kids, etc. The issue I am dealing with is my wife is very controlling. In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens. I don't feel that I have ever done anything to make her this way and she was this way in the beginning and I just ignored it.
> 
> She is fanatical to say the least. She focuses on certain things that may be bothering her and there is zero reasoning with her. She doesn't consider my point of view or any external factors. She nags relentlessly. I have blown up on her several times and she seems totally unfazed although sometimes she will cry. She rarely apologizes for creating this descension.
> 
> ...


She is severely insecure and she is suffocating you trying to fill her void of insecurity.(which you can never do let alone is your place to do)

You need to be honest and tell her that her behavior (insistance by trying to control you ) is pushing you away.She needs to back off..before she backs ya'lls relationship off a cliff.

Offer to go to counseling with her.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

How much does your wife know how you feel? Just ask her for fun how it would be to be you for 1 day and listen to what she says. Does it correspond to what you are going through?
Same for you, are you curious about the reasons why she is controlling? Is it fear? What is behind her reaction?
I'm curious about your relationship's communication skills. How satisfied are you with the way you guys communicate?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I am a calm and patient person and a hard worker but this is very wearing on me.


To validate you ?It would wear on the majority of people calm or not calm patient or not.Your feelings are NORMAL../understandable.

No offense to your wife (because I have thought of my husband that way because he was similar) its like you are being drained like they are a sucker fish or like a parasite..attaching to you to suck and drain out every once of life you have..because they have a huge dark endless void with nothing in it.Its like you are the water source she is the drain and you pour your water into her and it goes down a pipe into the vast foreverness then you run out and she is still empty but so are you .

Sorry for the bad analogy but I've been through it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It was her parents' job to teach her to be a decent human being. One generally assumes adults who are ready for marriage have received basic training in the art of being human. Around age 3 most of us figure out that we're not the center of the universe. This woman is over 30.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> It was her parents' job to teach her to be a decent human being. One generally assumes adults who are ready for marriage have received basic training in the art of being human. Around age 3 most of us figure out that we're not the center of the universe. This woman is over 30.


3 !!!!!

I think its more like 25 but still.3 is more like when you realize other people exist besides you and MAYBE they feel pain (physical pain) similar to you .But yeah "basics" by 3..

Its funny watching an infant..you know how they will be amused fascinated and entertained by their own foot?Te world IS them..the ulitmate narcissist..of course they are supposed to be narcissist but I still think its funny to watch..


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

A few questions:

Have you ever cheated or lied to her?
How was her childhood? Anyone leave or died?
If mom was in the picture, is she controlling? 

I'm thinking there is a strong fear of abandonment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I suspect a lot of controllers have a fear of abandonment...probably because they realize what a lousy deal they really are and that nobody in their right mind should stay with them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, the fear of abandonment is a big issue with controllers. but NOT because they are lousy 

Until she gets help, she won't change. I know from experience.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

And until she faces a crisis, she won't get help.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. My crisis was my husband leaving the first time. Then I got help, changed myself for so much better!  and yet he's leaving again :rofl: Still bringing up old shet from before the first time he left.

His loss. I'm a better person than when I got into this marriage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

incognitious said:


> In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens.


Acknowledge this was a big mistake. I made the same one, but learned from it. There were no red flags with my wife now and wow is she amazing. 




> there is zero reasoning with her.


I understand. 

You give this kind of personality choices. You do not reason with them. Do not argue. Do not explain.

Counseling or divorce. In counseling, it is either total honesty and concession, or divorce.


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## incognitious (Mar 27, 2013)

Wow, Thank you all for your outpouring of support and advice! This is truly a great forum, I am so glad I found it. It brought a smile to my face to see all of your responses. To answer some of your questions, I have never cheated on her and only told very few white lies. I feel any white lies I have told are consequences of her own behavior as I tried to protect myself from excessive hassling. I often have to think before I say anything because I want to avoid being deluged with questions. 

Her mother is an angel but her father treats her mother badly. Yelling at her and not participating much in household chores. I wonder how much this impacts my wife. I know she does not treat her father with much respect presumably due to the way he treats her mother.

We did talk about counseling a couple times and she agreed to go. We talked about finding a good counselor nearby and haven't made any progress from there. She didn't seem comfortable going to a woman counselor for some reason.

Thank you again for your help and support


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Change starts with YOU.

Why do YOU allow yourself to be controlled by another person?

If she says jump & you don't say "how high" what will she do?

Do you see where I'm going with this.........

I feel bad for you because I've been there. I pissed & moaned about my husband being too controlling all while allowing it too happen.

You have to start standing up for yourself.


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## incognitious (Mar 27, 2013)

Emerald, good point. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance which obviously doesn't solve anything. When I do confront her it usually turns into a major blowup and hasn't yielded any progress in the past.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

incognitious said:


> Emerald, good point. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance which obviously doesn't solve anything. When I do confront her it usually turns into a major blowup and hasn't yielded any progress in the past.


I get it. 

I lived it for 22 years.

Don't be me. You CAN turn this around. Stand your ground each & every time. Think of her as a naughty child having temper tantrums.

I know you don't want to parent your wife.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

incognitious said:


> Emerald, good point. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance which obviously doesn't solve anything. When I do confront her it usually turns into a major blowup and hasn't yielded any progress in the past.


Dont confront. I think she will respond better to action. Stop engaging with her. If she is telling you how to do something you are already doing, calmly tell her "I appreciate your input, but this is the way I prefer to do it." If she nags, walk away...if she tells you what to do, do what you want anyway...that kind of thing. For sure get to counseling! I was tense just reading your post!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

incognitious said:


> Wow, Thank you all for your outpouring of support and advice! This is truly a great forum, I am so glad I found it. It brought a smile to my face to see all of your responses. To answer some of your questions, I have never cheated on her and only told very few white lies. I feel any white lies I have told are consequences of her own behavior as I tried to protect myself from excessive hassling. I often have to think before I say anything because I want to avoid being deluged with questions.
> 
> Her mother is an angel but her father treats her mother badly. Yelling at her and not participating much in household chores. I wonder how much this impacts my wife. I know she does not treat her father with much respect presumably due to the way he treats her mother.
> 
> ...


Your wife learned what a marriage looks like mostly by watching her parents, so, of course her parents' relationship impacts her's with you. She learned that a husband cannot be trusted and isn't a refuge of safety, therefore, he must be controlled. Even though your "white lies" are understandable, they feed completely into her preexisting thinking. They show that you can't be trusted and also that you're weak (in her mind). If you can't stand up to some female hassle, you've handed your power over to her and promoted her to "boss". If you have to tiptoe around someone or lie to them, that's a person you fear and that makes them your boss. I doubt any woman can respect a man who fears her. I'd resist showing this woman any hint of fear. Nagging is just noise. It's like flatulence. It sounds unpleasant and obnoxious but it can't hurt you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Incog 
Do you want to break the pattern? 

Are you willing to have short term pain in the interest of longer term harmony? 

If so, than this may be fixable. 

But short term pain means just that. You will have to drive the change because she doesn't know how. 

If you are I will ask you a bunch of questions. You obviously don't have to answer them, but the behavioral map we can provide is dependent on the level of clarity you provide about your 'current state'.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Her mother is an angel but her father treats her mother badly. Yelling at her and not participating much in household chores. I wonder how much this impacts my wife. I know she does not treat her father with much respect presumably due to the way he treats her mother.


Hmm..that could be very important.Wonder is she thinks if she doesn't keep you in control you will treat her like her dad treats her mother so she has to prevent that?Like if she gives you and inch you will walk all over her?Her mother is an angel and look what that got her kind of fear.


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## incognitious (Mar 27, 2013)

Great points guys, thank you


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

incognitious said:


> First post...I'm new at this. We are both in our early 30's, married for two years and have know each other for much longer. Good jobs, house, no kids, etc. The issue I am dealing with is my wife is very controlling. In the past I have kept telling myself that it will get better with time, or, it will get better when we get engaged or when something else happens. I don't feel that I have ever done anything to make her this way and she was this way in the beginning and I just ignored it.
> 
> She is fanatical to say the least. She focuses on certain things that may be bothering her and there is zero reasoning with her. She doesn't consider my point of view or any external factors. She nags relentlessly. I have blown up on her several times and she seems totally unfazed although sometimes she will cry. She rarely apologizes for creating this descension.
> 
> ...



Sorry to hear about your situation brother. Unfortunately the odds are against you with this personality type since IMHO controllers are riddled with anxiety, insecurities and abandonment issues. They have a compulsive need to control their environment and loss of control is very scary to them. This is why my EX would panic when she thought about her death from old age. She would literally come to tears thinking about it. I would try my best to reassure her but its very difficult to be compassionate to someone who made your life a living hell.

Most people here would judiciously recommend you MC and I tend to agree, but you also need to set an personal ultimatum on how long you will wait for her to make some improvements to her behavior. If she refuses and you do not have a set time you will continue to push it off and fall further into the bowels of hell. 

I tried for years with my EX especially since we have a now 4 year old. She still tries to mess with me but I end up breaking out the judges order or threaten court when she gets out of line. 

The sad fact is that people with her issues rarely get better until they lose it all. Personally if you don't have children it makes the decision infinitely easier. Simply tell her to shape up, go to therapy with you or IC or she will be in from of a mediator/judge seperating assets. 

Oh and I tell anybody this thats considering divorce. Speak to an attorney and get informed of your rights. Just becuase you have a penis doesn't automatically mean you lose everything. You have rights.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You describe yourself a "calm" and "patient". Just tossing this out there, but your wife grew up in a household that sounds chaotic. I wonder if calmness looks like disinterest and uncaring to her. If chaos and drama look normal to her, peace and calm would look abnormal.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You describe yourself a "calm" and "patient". Just tossing this out there, but your wife grew up in a household that sounds chaotic. I wonder if calmness looks like disinterest and uncaring to her. If chaos and drama look normal to her, peace and calm would look abnormal.


Same with my EX. She grew up in a home full of rage, manipulation, violence, etc. I wish I would have taken the warning signs seriously, but to be crass when a man is getting laid and it's really good we sure make stupid decisions. I still remember how after a big violent blowup and after I left for a few days she would come around asking for forgiveness, whip out her gorgeous breasts, grab my crotch and I just forgot the world. What a weak man I was. It took a kid and being sex starved to bring me to my senses


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm not sure how long you've been married but you might want to take a look at co-dependent behaviors. You may not realize it but your actually giving her more energy to feed on with your passiveness. If you were to take that energy away she would probably implode into a pile of insecurity. Like others have said she may not decide she wants to change until a life altering event occurs. I was your wife to a degree and sought to control everything around me. I was abandoned and it took a lifetime to understand the impact and learn how to change. If she wants a shot at a happy life she'll start working on it now. Controlling people cannot be happy.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Didn't read all replies, but sounds like you must purchase the "no more mr. nice guy" book. In this case, while your wife is abusing you, you are the enabler!! If you wouldn't let her do half of this garbage, you would have been in a better place. Why she wants to do it is a question for her, but why you let her do it is a huge issue for you!


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

incognitious said:


> We are both in our early 30's, married...Good jobs, house, no kids, etc.


It's always good to take a step back and consider the worst case scenario: divorce.

You have 0 kids, so there wouldn't be any permanent ties and no child support. You both have good jobs, so there wouldn't be any alimony problems. You could divorce now and remarry 10 years from now (another 30 year old woman) and literally be right were you are today. 

Your dreams of family, children, grandchildren, and retirement with a wonderful woman are just as likely to happen if you get divorced as the are if you remain married (because you have the luxury of time).

She is in a very different situation. Her biological clock is ticking. If she divorced now, she would have to remarry quickly (if she could, as women age they are in less demand--just a sad fact of life). Under this scenario, she is probably looking at waiting till after 35 to have children--which is difficult for many women. Even if she does conceive, the odds are that she will only have one child.

He dreams of marriage, children, grandchildren, and retirement with a wonderful man are dependent on making this marriage work (because she does not have the luxury of time).

I point this out, because it's obvious there is a power struggle going on in your marriage. But, the truth is you not only hold all the cards, you hold the trump card. You've got nothing to lose and nothing to fear. A divorce would be sad and heartbreaking, but it would not devastate your life's dreams.

A divorce might devastate her life's dreams.

If you are going to fix your marriage, you are going to have to be willing to make bold moves--moves so bold they will put your marriage at risk. But, it's a risk you can afford to take. You really have three choices:

1) Let things remain the way they are
2) Make bold moves to improve your married life (which will either fix the problem or result in divorce)
3) Get divorced

Option #1 is the only unacceptable choice form your standpoint. There's no reason to choose it, so make a plan and do something.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Couning ASAP for you guys

IC definitely for her too

And for the love of God, do not get her pregnant until you know which way this could go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## incognitious (Mar 27, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> If you are going to fix your marriage, you are going to have to be willing to make bold moves--moves so bold they will put your marriage at risk. But, it's a risk you can afford to take. You really have three choices:
> 
> 1) Let things remain the way they are
> 2) Make bold moves to improve your married life (which will either fix the problem or result in divorce)
> ...


Thank you very much for the advice Blue Firefly, and everyone. It is very helpful


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