# Tell the new guy about your past?



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

So, I dated a couple of men in the past and they did not take well to the fact I was the victim of abuse.


The general consensus was that I was damaged goods.

I now am upfront about everything, and most men run. Majority scared that my ex's will show up one day.

I want a normal life. History has shown me that it wont happen because people are afraid.

Hide it or be open. Both are screwing me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How long did you stay in the abuse?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much detail are you giving them about the abuse?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Openness is Godliness! 

Trust me! The "right guy" will simply love you for who you are to him, despite any past that you may have came from!*


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is a complicated problem. 

I am very sorry you were abused. I hope the following doesn't sound uncaring - I'm just trying to see how it might look from the other side. 

Some men may be concerned about "damaged goods" in the sexual sense. I find that mode of thinking terrible and hope its rare.

Others may be worried that you are "damaged" psychologically. Abuse can leave life long psychological scars on some people. Falling in love with someone with psychological issues can be terrible. They may fear that they cannot help you and themselves will be tied to a crazy person. Honor-bound to never leave. The same feeling that might keep them away from someone with a severe physical disability.


Does your abuse still haunt your everyday life or is a terrible thing in the past? If it doesn't affect you now, then maybe there is no need to tell people you are dating. Information to save for much later when they have seen that you are past it. 

If it does affect you now, then you will need to find someone who is able to deal with that. Some people are, but I think that most are not.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

xMadame said:


> So, I dated a couple of men in the past and they did not take well to the fact I was the victim of abuse.
> 
> 
> The general consensus was that I was damaged goods.
> ...


It is one thing to be open, and another to be off putting with too many negative details that are irrelevant to a first or second date.

Why are they afraid your ex's will show up one day? What exactly are you saying about that possibility?

Most potential partners would consider a partner with past abuse to be in a different category than a partner with the potential of ongoing drama caused by an ex being in the picture.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

The abuse over 2 partners lasted for about 15 years total. Plus I had a 3rd that I dated briefly but continued to pursue me for a long time after. 

I tell them that i was verbally and emotionally abused (no details) and that I was beaten a couple of times and that my ex went to jail for that and stalking me. 

They are afraid my ex's will show up because my one ex is around because we have children together.
I think they felt my other ex would just show up because he stalked me (he did that every time we broke up but I don't mention that).

As for being over it. No I am not. I am in therapy. I will never be over it. That gives me my safety from those negative qualities in men.

I am not a dramatic person. As far as I am concerned #1 will always be around because we have children, #2 I am pretty sure learned his lesson the 3rd time he was in jail since he spent 7 months there thinking about it. #3 is just an occasional pest.

I just do not like how I am judged because of the actions of other people. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> The abuse over 2 partners lasted for about 15 years total. Plus I had a 3rd that I dated briefly but continued to pursue me for a long time after.
> 
> I tell them that i was verbally and emotionally abused (no details) and that I was beaten a couple of times and that my ex went to jail for that and stalking me.
> 
> ...


It sounds like drama, from my shoes. I'd move on.

You've got kids. With a guy who abused you. Who's still involved in your life and isn't going away. And another X that abused you that just got out of jail who you've been worried will come back around. And a 3rd X that abused you who still pesters you.

My thoughts would be "I don't think I can offer the abuse she apparently craves. And I'm not interested in asserting dominance over her other men who apparently are still around. That's the kind of drama I don't need in my life."

You're not being judged on the actions of other people, but on the people you've invited into your life. Your choices.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

xMadame said:


> The abuse over 2 partners lasted for about 15 years total. Plus I had a 3rd that I dated briefly but continued to pursue me for a long time after.
> 
> I tell them that i was verbally and emotionally abused (no details) and that I was beaten a couple of times and that my ex went to jail for that and stalking me.
> 
> ...


It's good you are in therapy as that would be my first concern. My thinking would be maybe one of the thing that is attractive to you is drama, at least in your past, it happens, especially when people grow up around drama. When you tell them I would emphasize that I am in therapy. I would also be careful about over sharing and making it a big part of who you are at first. Not "Hi I am xMadame and I have been in therapy for 2 years, here is what happened." Going back to that as you goto conversation. Not "Yeah that reminds me when I had to call the police on my ex". Sometimes people who have had stuff like this happen can come across as damaged because they make it too much about that. I know that is not easy to hear but it's true. 

For instance no one wants to go out on a first date and spend a significant time talking about 3 years of alcohol recovery. However a second date may be the time to say. "I think it's important to tell you I am in recovery". Then let them the person you are dating lead the conversation about that by asking questions and be honest. In the same way, you should do this. 

NOT SAYING TO HIDE IT, ON THE CONTRARY. It's going to come out anyway. You don't have to give the whole story on the first date though. I would say second. 

Still it is going to take a strong man to be willing to take that on. It seems risky. I think you are going to have to accept that. Besides you need a strong man to deal with some of the issues. 

What is the significance of your name?


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

sokillme said:


> It's good you are in therapy as that would be my first concern. My thinking would be maybe one of the thing that is attractive to you is drama, at least in your past, it happens, especially when people grow up around drama. When you tell them I would emphasize that I am in therapy. I would also be careful about over sharing and making it a big part of who you are at first. Not "Hi I am xMadame and I have been in therapy for 2 years, here is what happened." Going back to that as you goto conversation. Not "Yeah that reminds me when I had to call the police on my ex". Sometimes people who have had stuff like this happen can come across as damaged because they make it too much about that. I know that is not easy to hear but it's true.
> 
> For instance no one wants to go out on a first date and spend a significant time talking about 3 years of alcohol recovery. However a second date may be the time to say. "I think it's important to tell you I am in recovery". Then let them the person you are dating lead the conversation about that by asking questions and be honest. In the same way, you should do this.
> 
> ...




Thank you. I am a very strong woman now so I will for sure need a strong man.

As for my name, when I was younger and asked for something, the reply would sometimes be "yes madame". I added an x on the front because it is a kiss as in xo lol


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

If there is some part of your past that has significantly altered how you interact with others, and especially a potential partner, then yes it should be discussed. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Hide it or be open. Both are screwing me.


*Hypothetically* imagine you are dating a guy, and HE admits to being abused. It was emotionally and verbally by a woman that stalked him at times, she got pregnant by him, she has been in jail, and he now has custody of their child. She is now out of jail and will always be in his life to some basic degree because she want to see her child.

In my opinion, that is not a conversation that should take place up front, but gradually as the relationship becomes more serious and emotionally invested. Trying to look at this from the opposite point of view as I stated hypothetically above will help. Imagine yourself falling in love with the guy described above. At what point in the relationship would you be open to hearing that and accepting that part of his life in a caring and loving way? 

If it is any consolation, life is messy for everyone in some way or another. You future partner will not likely have your exact same history, but he will have his share of issues and struggles that he will need you to accept about him if he is brave and strong enough like you to share them.

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How old are your children? Some people don't date until the kids are adults anyway. Maybe you will want to consider a similar timeline. At the same time, use your free time to build up your social circles.

IMO, these men have legitimate concerns. I would not want a psycho ex stalking me. Perhaps even trying to build a case of child abuse against me were I to start joining in on my partner's visitations with their children.

You may want to identify ways in which you have changed so that you would not choose those types again -- as a talking point. 

You did get involved with not one but three stalkerish, abusive men. It's only in movies --where the protagonist needs a lover or a friend to be liked by the audience -- in which a stalked woman can get a decent guy who is not afraid to face down a stalker. In real life, men, like the rest of us, are risk averse. They may have their own children whose safety they need to protect.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How soon after you meet these guys are you telling them about the abuse? First date? 

How does it come up?


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.

My sister in law was in an abusive marriage, had 3 children, got divorced. I do know her new husband did know about the ex and the abuse before they got married. I do not know if she told him about it before they got engaged. It was a long time ago, but I think she did.

Part of her healing was telling everyone. She stopped being secretive about being beaten, about how she got those broken bones, and how she ended up in the hospital so many times. I did encourage her to be open about it.

Secrecy allows that behavior to persist. 

It never dawned on me she may have narrowed her potential future pool of "second husbands" by being forthright about it.

Personally I would have had no respect for any man who would have had any problem with her past, and accepting the challenge of living with her while knowing her past. Since he needed to know, the question is when.

Please be well.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

xMadame said:


> So, I dated a couple of men in the past and they did not take well to the fact I was the victim of abuse.
> 
> 
> The general consensus was that I was damaged goods.
> ...


Uh, bad choice of words!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> What is the significance of your name?


Ach!

You did it.
You had to ask this!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One more zinger.

Go online and look at the concealed carry license owners.

Find a few dozen names that appeal to you.

Google these names. Find one your age and who is not married.

Call him up and tell that SCM recommended you. "Can we meet for coffee?"
................................................................................................................................

OK, now for something helpful.

Is there any reason you cannot move far away from these Ex bozos?

Relocate?
................................................................................................................................
Instead of dating men with fine features and slim bodies, start dating "nice" big, husky guys.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Ach!
> 
> You did it.
> You had to ask this!


What is the significance of your sig?

He, he, he :grin2:


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am dealing with the same right now. Both my husbands were cheaters. I was married to my second husband for 24 years so it seems like a lifetime ago that I was married to my first husband. I didn't mention I was married twice to a man I was dating and apparently that sent up a red flag. The conversations had really not gone that deep and we had not been dating long. Had I mentioned this initially he might not have stuck around to get to know me. I don't go into detail. I just tell men I was married twice and both were cheats and yes, I think they see me as damaged goods.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I dated two women with troubled, abusive pasts. 

Both were up front but gave more details as the relationships progressed.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This is always a hard topic. I don't lose respect for people because we all have different thresholds of what we can tolerate. If they are truly judging then I'd lose respect. You've had three awfully twisted jerk ******* men in your life. There's is nothing I can say, wish or do which will make your pain go away. Here's what people hate or pretend not realize, there are men and women out there who can't cope with abused partners. Yes, we can denigrate them call them names and ridicule them, but it is the truth. 

Let them leave, run away, be cowards or be true to themselves. Unless they are outright saying "it is your fault" or "you are damaged goods" don't assume anything negative about them. Being honest is a good thing. You'll find someone who cares for the right reason, not because they feel sorry for you.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is one more hurdle. Telling suitors about your past.

The first "likely" thought that potential partners will think when they hear this situation of yours' [and other divorcees] is:

Is she unreasonable? Bossy, hard to live with. Is she going to do the bait and switch on me after some period of time.
Is she frigid? Has little interest in intimacy?

Is she no fun to be with? Too set in her ways to do things that I enjoy?

Tell a guy that you want to get close to:


You have always been loyal. Both marriages were long term. You tried to make them work.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do this if you meet a guy who has great potential:
.........................................................................................................
Feed them grapes.

Mostly sweet, a few sour ones mixed in. Do not hit them with all the sour grapes at once.

Do this as time permits. Show them the nice side of you.. I am sure all your sides are nice but I left my Internet Peepers upstairs. So I just presume.

The more goodness they see [in you] when you are together the more they will accept you for what you are.

Do not be needy, even if you are. Be casual, friendly, inquisitive, complementary. Just be low key. Smile a lot. 

Take your time. Be honest in any questions that they may ask. PLEASE do not go into detail. Make any information seem "inconsequential" at this time in your life. Even if it is not. You do not want them to think you are an emotional wreck. Even if you are. 

Do not hide you passion....share it coyly. And softly. 

Show them your feminine side. Do this and they will melt.

Just Sayin'


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is always a hard topic. I don't lose respect for people because we all have different thresholds of what we can tolerate. If they are truly judging then I'd lose respect. You've had three awfully twisted jerk ******* men in your life. There's is nothing I can say, wish or do which will make your pain go away. Here's what people hate or pretend not realize, there are men and women out there who can't cope with abused partners. Yes, we can denigrate them call them names and ridicule them, but it is the truth.
> 
> Let them leave, run away, be cowards or be true to themselves. Unless they are outright saying "it is your fault" or "you are damaged goods" don't assume anything negative about them. Being honest is a good thing. You'll find someone who cares for the right reason, not because they feel sorry for you.


I agree. The men who are running away when they hear this are doing you a favor, because if he can't handle this part of your past, then he's not the man for you. It doesn't make him a bad man, it just means he's not a good fit for you. Recognize it and let him move on, and don't worry about it, because it's not about you.

As some of the other posters have said, you may want to look at the way you are presenting your circumstances to the men you are dating, because the way a message is presented will affect the way it is received. You haven't told us how you are presenting this information, so it makes it hard for us to advise you on this front. If you give us a more detailed scenario on how the topic was raised and discussed, it may help us to better offer help.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I agree. The men who are running away when they hear this are doing you a favor, because if he can't handle this part of your past, then he's not the man for you. It doesn't make him a bad man, it just means he's not a good fit for you. Recognize it and let him move on, and don't worry about it, because it's not about you.
> 
> As some of the other posters have said, you may want to look at the way you are presenting your circumstances to the men you are dating, because the way a message is presented will affect the way it is received. You haven't told us how you are presenting this information, so it makes it hard for us to advise you on this front. If you give us a more detailed scenario on how the topic was raised and discussed, it may help us to better offer help.


I think that things like this have to be eased into. If you start off with full disclosure about this kind of stuff, people start seeing a giant "drama!" sign flashing over your head. It's about delivery. If you start off a relationship by dropping all of your problems on the candidate for your affections, they're likely to think "this is the best it's going to be, this is her on her best behavior". (or him, not like gender matters in this example)

@xMadame my first post might have seemed a little gruff. Let me offer some insight from my experience. I was horribly abused as a kid. My parents were abusive even in my 20's, with my dad being abusive all the way up to his death. If I start off a relationship discussing things like this, it is going to scare off anyone I talk to, because it appears that I'm so focused on such things that they are the first thing I want to talk about. They'll also wonder if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. And why I even talk to my family. 

Instead, I don't discuss them. I've only ever discussed any of it with 2 women who I dated, and only 2 close friends. Obviously, you have kids, and that discussion will have to take place. You just might want to wait and work on the delivery. 

For example, I don't discuss that I have a problem with women and knives, and that a woman holding a knife makes me profoundly uncomfortable, unless it is necessary to discuss due to circumstance, or if I can make a joke of it.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> How soon after you meet these guys are you telling them about the abuse? First date?
> 
> 
> 
> How does it come up?




Several months. I told one at the 6 month mark because everything was great and he dumped me like a hot potatoe. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you. I feel the same and best wishes to your SIL  and you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I hate this, but I have decided to go the slow route. As he shares with me, I will share with him.

My 1 super crazy ex is out of the picture and 1 is just a pest. It is my children's father that is hurting me most. We have been split up for years and I am still a s*** and a w****. 

Because #2 pounded me in front of my kids, I have CPS in my life. My worker thinks that #1 is still in love with me, even after 7 years.

I really may just be single until my kids are adults. I hate feeling like property. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

xMadame said:


> Several months. I told one at the 6 month mark because everything was great and he dumped me like a hot potatoe.


Maybe you're waiting too long, actually. By six months, you're starting to get emotionally invested. I'm assuming you've already had sex at this point, yeah? How often are you seeing the guy by this point? Once or twice a week?

I think you need to bring it up earlier, so you can weed out the guys like this one BEFORE you get invested. I would say, you should bring it up before getting physically intimate, no later than three months in (you can still wait longer than 3 months to have sex if you want to, though). Definitely before you decide to be exclusive.

If you've decided to be exclusive and you've been physically intimate, and then tell him later, he's going to think that you intentionally kept this information from him.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is really sad. 

If it were me, I would be concerned if I learned about it early on, but after 6 months I would know that it wasn't controlling your life, so it wouldn't drive me away in any way. 






xMadame said:


> Several months. I told one at the 6 month mark because everything was great and he dumped me like a hot potatoe.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> I hate this, but I have decided to go the slow route. As he shares with me, I will share with him.
> 
> My 1 super crazy ex is out of the picture and 1 is just a pest. It is my children's father that is hurting me most. We have been split up for years and I am still a s*** and a w****.
> 
> ...


What do you mean by #3 is just a pest?

What is making you feel like property?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

xMadame said:


> As for being over it. No I am not. I am in therapy. I will never be over it. That gives me my safety from those negative qualities in men.


Then sorry you shouldn't be dating... What man would want to deal with YOUR insecurities especially if even YOU refuse to address them?!? 

"I will never be over it." - This statement ALONE would make me run for the hills. You have no healthy future as long as you live in the past.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> What do you mean by #3 is just a pest?
> 
> 
> 
> What is making you feel like property?




1 is kids dad
2 is the beater
3 is a pest. 

He is a pest because no matter what I say or do, short of a restraining order, the guy will not leave me alone. I think I have rid myself of him and sure enough a few months later he calls me or emails me. He doesnt do anything but annoy me, so I cannot get a restraining order.

1 makes me feel like property. We have been split up for over 7 years and he still gets angry when my phone buzzes or I ask him to take the kids so I can go out. It makes me feel like he thinks I am a piece of property that he owns because even after so long he still tries to dictate my life. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> 1 is kids dad
> 2 is the beater
> 3 is a pest.
> 
> ...


So, #3... why don't you block his number and email? You could filter the email, so it won't bounce back as "undeliverable". You can have your carrier screen his phone.

Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

@xMadame, looking back on it now, what you say were some red flags that you missed with either of these men that you would avoid these days?


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> @xMadame, looking back on it now, what you say were some red flags that you missed with either of these men that you would avoid these days?




Too clingy and needy and fast moving from the start. Took up way too much of my time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> So, #3... why don't you block his number and email? You could filter the email, so it won't bounce back as "undeliverable". You can have your carrier screen his phone.
> 
> 
> 
> Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?




I have blocked him. He then calls from a friends phone or his work or a pay phone or an app that gives you phone calling. Email is just a different email address. I have to tell him off every time.
Guys like that do not care about what you say or do, they do what they want anyways. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

```

```



xMadame said:


> Too clingy and needy and fast moving from the start. Took up way too much of my time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sounds familiar. in the 80s I dated a guy for 6 months who stalked when I broke up with him.

Moved too fast; had narrow views about women; befriended my family (shame on them too). these days, a requirement of mine is that anyone with whom I have a relationship will NOT be a friend of my family.

You may think of a few other red flags.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> I have blocked him. He then calls from a friends phone or his work or a pay phone or an app that gives you phone calling. Email is just a different email address. I have to tell him off every time.
> Guys like that do not care about what you say or do, they do what they want anyways.
> 
> 
> ...


If you filter the emails, he won't know you don't get them. If he keeps calling you should take it up with the police. I'm guessing that your "well, he's just going to keep talking to me forever, nothing to be done about it" attitude doesn't sit well with a lot of men. 

You never answered my questions about X #1. Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Thank you. We passed your wishes on to my wife's sister. Her sister did enjoy her second marriage, keeping constantly in touch, and often exchanging visits with Mary. My wife's sister died of a heart attack last year, at the age of 64. 



AVR1962 said:


> I am dealing with the same right now. Both my husbands were cheaters. I was married to my second husband for 24 years so it seems like a lifetime ago that I was married to my first husband. I didn't mention I was married twice to a man I was dating and apparently that sent up a red flag. The conversations had really not gone that deep and we had not been dating long. Had I mentioned this initially he might not have stuck around to get to know me. I don't go into detail. I just tell men I was married twice and both were cheats and yes, I think they see me as damaged goods.





xMadame said:


> WilliamM said:
> 
> 
> > If you do not discuss it, when it does come up later they will say you lied to them. And it will come up someday.
> ...


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> If you filter the emails, he won't know you don't get them. If he keeps calling you should take it up with the police. I'm guessing that your "well, he's just going to keep talking to me forever, nothing to be done about it" attitude doesn't sit well with a lot of men.
> 
> You never answered my questions about X #1. Does #1 have visitation rights with your kids? If so, how often?




Sorry. He does but doesn't access it like he is suppose to but they do see him daily for about 30 minutes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> Sorry. He does but doesn't access it like he is suppose to but they do see him daily for about 30 minutes.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Why doesn't he see them per the agreement?


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Then sorry you shouldn't be dating... What man would want to deal with YOUR insecurities especially if even YOU refuse to address them?!?
> 
> "I will never be over it." - This statement ALONE would make me run for the hills. You have no healthy future as long as you live in the past.


The OP is addressing those issues - she has stated I AM IN THERAPY. And news flash - we are who we are because of our past. It doesn't mean she is living in the past, it simply means that what happened, happened and it made her who she is today. If she would NOT date she would still be living in the past.

OP I cannot say what I would do. I do not know the extent of your abuse or how it has affected you aside from what you post. However I agree with others who have said it - the men who drop you, are doing you a favor. At the very least you know if they can't accept you for who you are, then they are not the right man for you. You just need to be who you are. Any relationship built on being some one you aren't is doomed to fail anyway. At least if you tell them and they go, you won't be wasting anymore of your time. Because the reality is that the only thing we owe another person is honesty.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> Why doesn't he see them per the agreement?




Partially because of his work schedule, partially because 2 have autism and he lacks the capacity to parent them properly so I get to do it all. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> The OP is addressing those issues - she has stated I AM IN THERAPY. And news flash - we are who we are because of our past. It doesn't mean she is living in the past, it simply means that what happened, happened and it made her who she is today. If she would NOT date she would still be living in the past.


Completely disagree you as usual. She's broken. GET THE HELP YOU NEED AS AN INDIVIDUAL FIRST. Then you can start to pursue other relationships. A house without a strong foundation is doomed to collapse.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> If she would NOT date she would still be living in the past.


Who said dating is an integral part of life.

That would be like saying "all single people are unhappy."


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> Partially because of his work schedule, partially because 2 have autism and he lacks the capacity to parent them properly so I get to do it all.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And what is the actual agreement supposed to be?


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Completely disagree you as usual. She's broken. GET THE HELP YOU NEED AS AN INDIVIDUAL FIRST. Then you can start to pursue other relationships. A house without a strong foundation is doomed to collapse.


Coming from someone who does live in the past (aka Betrayed Dad, nothing like letting your past define you) I would expect nothing less. You need to get some help yourself, because you are projecting your issues onto the OP.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Coming from someone who does live in the past (aka Betrayed Dad, nothing like letting your past define you) I would expect nothing less. You need to get some help yourself, because you are projecting your issues onto the OP.


Stop trolling bro, it's getting old. Insulting me doesn't validate your point. It just makes you look like a fool.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Who said dating is an integral part of life.
> 
> That would be like saying "all single people are unhappy."


I dunno, who said it was? You? Not me. The OP is exploring the world. If you think living under the covers, hiding from the world because of your past is an integral part of life, by all means stay home. Otherwise, most healthy human beings look for some sort of social interaction. One way to enjoy said social interaction (especially when it comes to the opposite sex) is thru dating. If you want to avoid social interaction by all means do so, but stop acting as if being a recluse is normal for most people. Allowing your past to dictate your future (ie being a recluse) is not healthy


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Stop trolling bro, it's getting old. Insulting me doesn't valid your point. It just makes you look like a fool.


No one is trolling. It is called responding to something. In some circles, they call it having a conversation. You should try it sometime instead of posting stupid memes.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> No one is trolling. It is called responding to something. In some circles, they call it having a conversation. You should try it sometime instead of posting stupid memes.


Whatever you say.


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Dudes, you might want to cool it down a bit. While entertaining I would hate it to end in a :redcard:.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ynot said:


> I dunno, who said it was? You? Not me. The OP is exploring the world. If you think living under the covers, hiding from the world because of your past is an integral part of life, by all means stay home. Otherwise, most healthy human beings look for some sort of social interaction. One way to enjoy said social interaction (especially when it comes to the opposite sex) is thru dating. If you want to avoid social interaction by all means do so, but stop acting as if being a recluse is normal for most people. Allowing your past to dictate your future (ie being a recluse) is not healthy


Dating is only one form of social interaction. And you don't date your friends. could it be that you don't have any friends? so your ONLY social interaction is dating.

You can leave the house when interacting with your friends. In fact, if you plan to see your friends in real life, SOMEONE has to leave the house. 

I had suggested very early on upthread, not to date and just get out, do activities with groups of people; make friends instead of attempting to delve into a relationship that -- when done properly -- has a whole set of mutual responsibilities between the two people dating and converging upon a deeper relationship -- which is the point of "dating".


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> And what is the actual agreement supposed to be?




Everyother weekend and 1 evening a week.
I have them usually 98% of the time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

uhtred said:


> That is really sad.
> 
> If it were me, I would be concerned if I learned about it early on, but after 6 months I would know that it wasn't controlling your life, so it wouldn't drive me away in any way.


That would be hard to say. Perhaps a person letting you know earlier rather than later is being more transparent and is considering your thoughts on this as the motivation to reveal sooner.

When my BIL first started dating my sister, he laid all the cards out on the table about the crazy ex (mother to his son) and I must admit, it turned me off a bit but my sister wasn't as fazed by it. The ex was difficult at times but they've since grown passed it and the ex has also now matured a lot and is more civilized in the way she co-parents with my BIL. Not to mention, my BIL is one of those men who treats my sister like a queen and very loyal and now they have a child together. So looking back on it, I actually appreciate the fact that he was so open about his circumstances with her (us).

So that could be another perspective.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Dating is only one form of social interaction. And you don't date your friends. could it be that you don't have any friends? so your ONLY social interaction is dating.
> 
> You can leave the house when interacting with your friends. In fact, if you plan to see your friends in real life, SOMEONE has to leave the house.
> 
> I had suggested very early on upthread, not to date and just get out, do activities with groups of people; make friends instead of attempting to delve into a relationship that -- when done properly -- has a whole set of mutual responsibilities between the two people dating and converging upon a deeper relationship -- which is the point of "dating".


Cool, so you think the OP should just give it up and only hang out with friends? Thank goodness you don't get to make the rules. In case you missed it, which apparently you and a few others did as well - the OP has been divorced for a while, she is going to counseling and was just curious about when she should talk about her past abuse with guys she has dated. Because, again, apparently she has decided that just hanging out with friends is not enough, hence her decision to date. According to some of you naysayers, she should just be cloistered because YOU have an issue with what she has experienced.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Several months. I told one at the 6 month mark because everything was great and he dumped me like a hot potatoe.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's it. I have heard enough.

Don't say squat to any more suitors.

If it gets unearthed, then deal with it "then"...
"Then" will likely never really arrive....

Be a Spintress. Weave a story that approaches the truth. Only give a vague outline. No details.

And when you relate anything...DO NOT get all emotional. Just say something, matter of fact. 

You have practiced on Revelation enough. It ain't woikin!


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

xMadame said:


> Everyother weekend and 1 evening a week.
> I have them usually 98% of the time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OK, so, when the topic of your previous husband and father of your kids comes up, how do you put it to the guy you're dating? How do you explain that you see him every day, but you're only supposed to do so a couple times a week?


----------



## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

Ynot said:


> According to some of you naysayers, she should just be cloistered because YOU have an issue with what she has experienced.


I don't quite see it that way.

I can understand a person making a huge mistake in choosing a partner. Hell, I did with my XWW and one of my ex girlfriends. I think most people as they get into their 30s or 40s have an ex or two that makes them cringe.

But xMadame doesn't just have one, or even two, exes that fits that...she has three. And she had multiple children with one of them.

This isn't a "Okay, I made a bad choice and learned my lesson" moment. This is a "You _consistently_ make bad choices in selecting a partner" moment.

If I were dating her, I 100% guarantee that thought would go through my head. And as a guy who is successful and has a child of his own, I don't find that unreasonable in the slightest.

I am in no way suggesting or implying that xMadame is responsible for the abuse she suffered at the hands of these men. She isn't.

But clearly, her man-picker is *busted*.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

xMadame said:


> The abuse over 2 partners lasted for about 15 years total. Plus I had a 3rd that I dated briefly but continued to pursue me for a long time after.
> 
> I tell them that i was verbally and emotionally abused (no details) and that I was beaten a couple of times and that my ex went to jail for that and stalking me.
> 
> ...


I would not date someone who's being stalked. Not because I judge them. But because, hate to say it, there are MANY choices in women out there who are not being stalked. Stalkers often attack the woman's new guy rather than her, to hurt her. Why would I open myself up to this?

Hell, I just discovered my wife's youngest brother spent over a year in a foreign prison, in a country that only imprisons Americans for violent crimes. He wants money money money money and he got nothing from the estate when Mom died - and he knows who does. So, I feel in the crosshairs already!


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Xmadame - I would encourage you to be honest.

Here is my story - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/204514-what-do-i-do-am-i-unreasonable.html 

My wife didn't tell me about abuse until we had been married a couple of years. It really affected our marriage.

I would do things, not knowing her past, she would trigger, and I would be left wondering "What the HELL just happened??"

Once I finally round out about abuse, a lot of things dropped into place. The problem was, there was already a lot of hurt built up by the time the truth came out. She would trigger, say & do things that really messed up our relationship.

I think I would have still married her, knowing what had happened, and we could have avoided a lot of issues.

Here is a link for you, read it for when you meet the right guy.

https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/


----------



## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> I would not date someone who's being stalked. Not because I judge them. But because, hate to say it, there are MANY choices in women out there who are not being stalked. Stalkers often attack the woman's new guy rather than her, to hurt her. Why would I open myself up to this?


Pretty much this.



Kivlor said:


> OK, so, when the topic of your previous husband and father of your kids comes up, how do you put it to the guy you're dating? How do you explain that you see him every day, but you're only supposed to do so a couple times a week?


And this. Because of...



xMadame said:


> My 1 super crazy ex is out of the picture and 1 is just a pest. *It is my children's father that is hurting me most. We have been split up for years and I am still a s*** and a w****.*


This.

Why would she see this man, who calls her a **** and a *****, every day when she's only supposed to do so a couple times every week?

If I put myself in the shoes of the guy who's dating her, that would freak me out to no end.

1) Having to deal with her verbally abusive kid's father every day;
2) Having to deal with another ex who was physically abusive (because what would stop him from coming after me and *my* child?);
3) Having to deal with another ex who is a stalker.

The only way I could ever possibly be even semi-comfortable dating someone with a history like that is if she enforced some strict boundaries that would scorch the very earth beneath their feet should they set one toenail across it.

As for immediate steps one could take: There is nothing stopping her from getting a new phone number. There is nothing stopping her from getting a new email address. I myself did those very same things when an ex girlfriend would not leave me alone. It took practically no effort whatsoever to accomplish.

xMadame clearly isn't doing that. The question that needs to be answered here is, "Why?"

Until that's answered, I think a lot of men will run. And from my perspective, out of self-preservation and simple stress reduction, I don't blame them for it at all.

I have massive amounts of compassion for xMadame and her situation. But as a good-looking guy with money, assets, a skyrocketing career, and a child of his own, I have many options to choose from. The bottom line is I'm not going to choose one that will cause me to live in fear or deal with someone else's collection of crazy exes.


----------

