# Feel like I lost myself



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

Four weeks ago I told my husband of 4 years that I wanted to separate. We talked, he promised changes and I said I would give it some time. I now regret not holding my own and feel like I was somehow manipulated into staying. Despite the changes with how he interacts with our daughter and no fighting, my feelings of desperation and flight are still there. We went to MC for a year and I have been in IC since I asked for the separation. 

A little background. We met when I was 20 and he was 34. I was still in college. I had zero emotional support from an untreated borderline/alcoholic mother and an enabling alcoholic father. My mother was unpredictable and emotionally abusive. When I met my husband, he represented security and stability and I was attracted to him. We got engaged after 5 months, he proposed under pressure from me. We got married after a 2 year engagement and living together. 

There were issues in our relationship from the beginning. He is controlling in a manipulative way with my clothes, decisions and activities. He won't tell me not to wear something, but he will criticize it until I don't wear it again (i.e. You're attracting men to you in that skirt. If you want me to protect you and take care of you, why don't you make my job easier). He won't tell me not to do something, but he will criticize and not provide support (i.e. Instead of wasting time and money making granola, you should have been vacuuming and loading the dishwasher. By the way, the granola tastes great.) Just this morning, I decided to wear jeans to work and he thinks that I look good in jeans so he wanted to know who I would be working with today and what they are like to determine if I am 'putting myself out there'. He sets rules for how I can interact with his dad and step-mom to communicate to them that he and I have solidarity. If I don't agree with him about being upset with his dad, he acuses me of 'acting like I am in high school and passing notes to them to let them know I am not mad too'. He is also a score keeper financially and emotionally, so he knows exactly how many times I haven't paid my half of something or haven't been supportive. We also have a 2.5 yr old who he occassionally provides care for (i.e. when I am not available and he thinks the reason I am not available is valid. He will not watch her and pawns her off on grandparents so he can get work done if the time period is too long or my reason isn't good enough). He is an agressive communicator who I don't feel safe being myself around or being honest with. He judges my interactions and communications with other people and friends and frequently analyzes them to determine how they were wrong, selfish, egocentric or not supportive to our relationship. He leers at me and wants to be intimate under the guise that it is for me because he is "such a pleaser".

On the upside, he is dependable as a financial provider, he (to my knowledge) has never been unfaithful, he comes home when he is supposed to, doesn't drink or do drugs, and is good looking. 

On the down side, I am miserable and want out. He talks down to me and treats me like I am less-than. I was super independent when we met, had friends, dressed how I wanted, went where I wanted when I wanted, did things for myself without second guessing. I always thought kids prevented you from doing these things, but its my husband. I feel insecure, disrespected and dead inside. I don't feel that I love him and honestly believe that I never have really loved him. I married him under stress and without any other stable support and believed that marriage and children might change things ( I was a short-sighted idiot). 

I love my daughter more than life and want the best for her. My IC tells me that it is my husband's duty to treat me they way he wants my daughter to be treated by men. He loves our daughter and treats her well, but doesn't do the same for me. I don't want her growing up thinking that men and women are supposed to interact the way my husband and I do.

I want to be in a relationship with someone who understands me and appreciates me for who and what I am rather than criticizes me and tries to mold me into who I need to be for them. I have positive interactions with people at work and even strangers that make me feel better about myself than interacting with my own husband. 

I feel confused, depressed, guilty, sad and afraid. I want to get out, but worry that I am being selfish and stupid. I feel like I am living in a cage watching all the other animals play freely around me. I want to be independent, self-reliant, confident and secure. While I catch glimpses of these feelings while out in the world, my relationship undermines all of them. 

Has anyone else felt this way? Did separation and divorce help? I know that the grass is not always greener, but I just have this gut feeling that if I could just surround myself with supportive, loving people and get away from my husband that I would feel better.


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## Xiolablu (Aug 28, 2011)

Oh my gosh!!! This is exactly how I feel. We've been married for 7 years but no kids.
I was like you, super independent and when I met my husband I knew he would be a good dad/family man because he was nothing like my dad. I think thats really why I married him. 
We are entirely opposites though and I feel like this whole time I've tried to conform to make him happy..... which is making me miserable. I feel like any time I do things I want to do that I'm going to get in trouble. I'm 33. I shouldn't feel like that anymore.
We've been talking for about a month and he knows I'm not happy. We're doing MC but I'm not sure what could help. We're so opposite and even if he did 'change' it wouldn't be for very long and he would be miserable. I already tried that. I feel like there is no hope and want to leave terribly but know it would break his heart so that is the only reason I haven't yet. 
I can completely relate to the caged bird reference. I totally feel like that. I'm obligated to my marriage but feel like I'm missing out on being happy. I would love nothing more and daydream every day of having my own place again and doing my own thing. I don't know. I just think people weren't made to be with one person for the rest of their lives. People change and life happens and I just think marriage is unrealistic.
I know I didn't help but couldn't help respond. I have been looking and looking and have never come across someone that feels the same as me.
Good luck to us both!!


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## jpc (May 8, 2011)

summerB,

I also felt this way in my marriage. Your story sounds very similar to mine. And I just finalized my divorce. Here's my two cents:

Above all else, trust your gut. Never rationalize behavior that just seems wrong. You are a smart, perceptive adult, and it is a red flag is your spouse tries to convince you otherwise. 

My ex-husband was controlling, manipulative, and abusive (if that's what it took to keep me in line.) Whenever I protested something he said or did, somehow it was always my fault: 1. I was just too sensitive, 2. I just mis-understood the situation, 3. Things were not really as bad as I somehow felt they were, 4. I *caused* his behavior because of something I did/didn't say/do. Ask yourself this: In all your other relationships, have you ever, ever felt this marginalized, disrespected, and controlled? My guess is probably not. Trust your gut.

As far as divorce goes, it's really a personal decision. I don't regret mine, but I spent many months going to marriage counseling with my husband (who didn't participate in it in any meaningful or honest way) before I eventually gave up. It is frightening and lonely sometimes to be 31 and single, but it is still way better than the alternative. Even in my lowest moments I have no regrets. If I could give any advice to you it would be to give your marriage your best honest shot, both for the sake of your daughter and so that if/when you do leave, you can be at peace with that decision. Divorce sucks, and you will miss some things like financial stability and someone to come home to, but these are not good enough reasons to hang around in something that is destructive for you and your daughter. You once were strong and independent. You still have those qualities in you even if it doesn't seem like it right now, and they will carry you through. (I promise. I was in your shoes pretty much exactly.) Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

summerB said:


> Four weeks ago I told my husband of 4 years that I wanted to separate. We talked, he promised changes and I said I would give it some time. I now regret not holding my own and feel like I was somehow manipulated into staying. Despite the changes with how he interacts with our daughter and no fighting, my feelings of desperation and flight are still there. We went to MC for a year and I have been in IC since I asked for the separation.
> 
> A little background. We met when I was 20 and he was 34. I was still in college. I had zero emotional support from an untreated borderline/alcoholic mother and an enabling alcoholic father. My mother was unpredictable and emotionally abusive. When I met my husband, he represented security and stability and I was attracted to him. We got engaged after 5 months, he proposed under pressure from me. We got married after a 2 year engagement and living together.
> 
> ...


JMHO... this is disrespectful judgement and passive-aggressive behaviour... and all the manipulation will wear your self-esteem and confidence to a wisp of your former self... 

I would highly recommend MC to work through these issues...

best wishes..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

summerB said:


> I want to be in a relationship with someone who understands me and appreciates me for who and what I am rather than criticizes me and tries to mold me into who I need to be for them. I have positive interactions with people at work and even strangers that make me feel better about myself than interacting with my own husband.


Right now the only relationships you need are with your daughter and with yourself. You are what we call in Al-Anon an ACoA - an adult child of an alcoholic. In your case, alcoholics. That leaves a huge void and need in your life for validation, security, and a ton of other stuff. You found someone who seemed to meet those needs.

Thing is, you have to discover ways, without a man in your life, to get these needs met in a healthy way. When you regain what you lost during your childhood - and it IS hard work - you will attract the right man at the right time. 

I cannot even fathom living with someone who controlled me the way your husband controls you. It takes guts and it takes just doing it regardless of your fears, but you NEED to break free from this man and go no contact. I guarantee you, he will manipulate you and play games with your head to keep you stuck with him.

This is where you need strong support from family, friends, Al-Anon (give it a try; you have nothing to lose), and a good counselor. Life is too short to give up your power and allow a control freak to stick you in a prison he built just for you. Please get out. You won't regret it.

Also, please be prepared for him to possibly escalate if you leave. You may need to get a RA. Also seek the advice of a good attorney. The only way to get someone like this out of your hair is to go no-contact and any discussions over visitation with your child and child support must go through legal channels.

You were young. You were desperately seeking security. Now you see the error you made. It doesn't have to drag on. Do whatever it takes to have the kind of life you deserve.


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## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

Thank you all for your posts. It helps to have people who have been there or are there and understand. 

I had an appt with my IC yesterday who said that I need action more than words at this point. She suggested that I make an appt with a separation mediator and invite my husband to the meeting. If he comes, then we can go through the separation process politely and more positively. If he doesn't show, I know that he is not willing to play ball and be positive and can get an attorney and just file for separation. By making the appointment and commiting to it, my IC reasons that I am avoiding talking and manipulation and taking action in the direction I need to go. 

I plan to call the mediator tomorrow and tell my husband this weekend. I am terrified.


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## jpc (May 8, 2011)

Good luck!!!! You will be my thoughts. I sure know how scary this part is, it takes a lot of bravery I know. But you will come through this just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calimom82 (Jan 25, 2009)

Wow, reading this was almost like reading about my own marriage and feelings. I truly know how you feel and I hope everything works out for you. You are not alone.


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