# Am I being unreasonable?



## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

It's a long story but I'm looking for opinion or advice, I'd appreciate it if you'd stick with it. ☺ I've never been on anything like this before but talking to friends I get biased opinion. 

I've been married to my 28 year old husband for three years and together 4. I am 32.

It was a whirlwind relationship and the first two years of marriage were amazing. When I met my husband I was aware he had a reputation with the ladies and as being a bit of a bad boy, but he was amazing with me. He loved me so well and said he was ready to leave that behind him and settle down because he'd found the right girl. 

Our problems started back in April, we started to argue over money issues, he's an artistic photographer and sometimes it doesn't pay amazingly. My husband is very much a dreamer and I've always tried to support him in perusing his dreams. However sometimes I felt like he was unrealistic and I was the one supporting us again and again which put stress on me and our relationship. I just wanted him to contribute more, instead of spending it on stupid things. But of course that was me 'getting at him'. 

Throughout our relationship I have known him be flirtatious and come across post on Facebook where he's said someone looked good or had 😍 emoji. He'd just say he was a sweet talker and liked to make people feel good. Yet he complained if I even looked wrongly at a man. I've let him get away with alot I think. 

We had a pretty major argument towards the end of April and others became involved. He moved out of the house for three days before coming back. When he came back we bickered over stupid things which led to another argument and him moving out for five days. I was fed up by this time so when he asked me to stay home until he finished work and he'd come over and we could sort it out I would make sure to go out with friends. I wanted to show him there was more to sitting home waiting for him to decide when he'd come back. His long hours of work were also another bone of contention. Anyway after five days he rocked up back at the house and we sorted out our problems and he moved back in. 

Things were great for a few weeks, then my work meant I had to return to the UK for a few weeks (we live in Italy - he's Italian and I'm English) whilst I was back in the UK I found out I was pregnant, we were over the moon and it was amazing to see him so excited. 

Before I'd left for the UK I was suspicious of a relationship he'd struck up with one of our friends (A) , then, girlfriends (R). They'd been having a few issues and our friend decided to leave his gf, she was understandably upset and had confided in my husband, I was OK with this but not thrilled, HE was our friend not her so I wasn't too sure what she wanted from us. Anyway it turned out that my husband and her had exchanged numbers and he had met up with her, I wasn't happy when I found this out and told him to stay out of our friends relationship, he had said he was trying to help them fix it but I was suspicious of other things. He insisted it was innocent. 

When I'd returned to the UK he started to act strangely, he'd always be busy at work and then at the same time each night his personal and work mobile phone would be switched off so I had no way of contacting him. This infuriated me and I accused him of having an affair with R, of course he denied it and told me I was crazy. I explained to him that if this was the case then I didn't like him switching his phone off and asked him not to do it. I even asked him, if I was to do it what he'd think and he confirmed he'd think the same as me, that I was with someone else. The same behaviours however continued, this led to my few weeks in the UK turning into months and we argued quite alot. We decided to break up around the end of May, we still communicated for the sake of the baby. By the beginning of July we'd decided that we missed and loved each other and needed to sort it out. We were very much still in love and started talking about possible baby names and making plans. I booked a flight to return back to Italy mid August. 

July appeared to pass without issue, July 30th, I had a meeting down south and decided to drive to it. 

August 3rd I was at work when I had a bleed, unfortunately I miscarried our baby and was devastated. My friend took care of me over the weekend and all I could think about was that my husband needed to know but I couldn't bring myself to tell him over the phone, his excitement at becoming a daddy ringing in my ears. I messaged him and asked him to call when he had some private time but that didn't happen until the Monday morning, I was in pieces on the phone as I told him, he was hysterical as he asked what had happened and why. He tried to comfort me as best he could without actually being there, asked if I wanted him to come to our UK home. Told him I'd be OK and he told me not to worry, we had made the baby and we'd make another. That kind of wasn't the point for me. He was concerned for a couple of days and then it turned to blame, he blamed my long drive on the 30th July, saying I was irresponsible and didn't look after the baby until he was able to do it. This coming from the one person I thought would understand my pain, made it even harder to bare. Over the next few weeks we had very little contact, he didn't even wish me a happy birthday, but what a miserable one it was anyway. Because of what happened I decided not to return to Italy until I felt able to, instead family rallied round at our house in the UK and tried to take care of me the best they could, but I missed my husband. We started speaking again and one night he just blurted out that he'd slept with someone, (M), I was so angry. He said that he respected me and our marriage too much to lie to me. I asked him when it'd started and he said three weeks prior and insisted he wasn't a cheat because we were separated. This angered me even more because in July we were very much together and later that evening I looked through old messages of him telling me how much he loved me and how excited he was about the baby, so he was a cheat and he'd been doing it whilst I was pregnant. We spoke through a few things he said it had happened three times and he ended it because it didn't feel right, she wasn't me. He said he knew I'd never forgive him and that was when we decided it was over. 

I decided to return to Italy at the beginning of September, I let him know I was coming, he didn't seem that happy I hadn't discussed it with him and was out of town when I arrived. We spoke a couple of times throughout September and he was still angry about the baby and about the end of our marriage. He told me he had a new gf, she was German and she was the best, much better than me apparently. It became apparent he just wanted to hurt me like he thought I'd hurt him, but if it was true wow he moved on quick. 

I tried to continue as normally as I could, I went out one night with a couple of friends and one was asking what had happened as we seemed like the perfect couple, I didn't go into full detail as I didn't want them to see their friend and my husband in a bad light. I told them about the infidelity, they asked how I knew and I told them that he'd told me. They seemed to think that he was lying and trying to hurt me which fit in with what his friends had said. 

Anyway throughout September I saw his family and his brothers a few times. His older brother had just split from his wife of ten years and moved out of the family home. I never really got on with his older brother, I felt like he held my husband back and was a bad influence on him, he was always at our home encouraging him to smoke and drink. One night I saw him in a bar when out with friends. I went and said hi and asked about my husband, why he'd been out of town so long. He said he hadn't spoken to him and that he only heard from his little brothers when they needed something or were in trouble. We sat and spoke about what had gone on with the women in July, M. He said he didn't know anything, hadn't seen it so couldn't comment and started going on about trying to change people, because like I said we didn't get on and I think he was of the opinion that I was trying to changed his brother (I did encourage him to stop smoking, which he did). He'd been dancing with women all night, I told him that alcohol and women weren't (in my opinion) the answer to the obvious hurt he was feeling about his separation. He tried to dance with me and placed his hand inappropriately once or twice but I put it down to alcohol and not seeing where he'd put it. He was paraletic by the time we left the bar. His other little brother was also there but left without saying anything or making sure he was OK. So I felt I had to make sure he got to a taxi OK. It became apparent that he had the car with him and he argued to drive but I refused and made him get a taxi. He insisted on making sure I got home so I got in the taxi, when we got to my house (not far away) he wanted to come in for coffee. I wasn't comfortable with it because although I was 90% sure he wouldn't try anything (I am his brothers wife after all) I didn't want to take the risk. So I told him I had no coffee (white lie) but that he could go to a café at the end of the block and take coffee, jumped out and into the house. 

I was worried for a week or two as I didn't see him out and about again, but figured if he hadn't made it home safe that I'd have heard about it from the family. Towards the end of September I'd been out with friends and got a taxi home with one of them. She lived elsewhere so I jumped out the taxi at the end of my street and she drove on. As I got out of the taxi a car screeched to a halt and reversed a little, I recognised the car to be my older brother in law. I went over to the car and again asked why my husband was still out of town and if he was OK. He said he still didn't know anything. I got into the car as I felt uncomfortable talking through the window. We sat at chatted for a little while and then he said if you have time we can go for a drive. He drove us to the cliff top by the sea, we had a drink and sat and chatted, about my husband, about his wife, the kids, the baby I'd lost, life in general. I'd always thought of him as a bit of an arse but I could see he was hurting so much about his wife and the separation, I suggested he make changes now but he said he was too old and it was too late. I felt genuinely upset for him. As we sat the sun rose, he'd been to the shop and bought crisps, he tried feeding them to me, which looking back was inappropriate, I took them from his hands and put them in my own mouth. He kept going on about going back to my house so we could continue drinking but I told him no. Eventually he said it was time for home and he drove me back to my house, when there he asked if he could come in for another drink, I wasn't sure and he said 'only if I'm welcome of course' I felt rude having declined him previously and having had the heart to heart tonight felt sure he wouldn't try anything. We went in, he put a movie on and I made a drink. We sat on the sofa, chatting and watching the movie. Then all of a sudden he started to sniff my skin, and stroke my arm. I froze, how was he doing this. Then he moved on to my breast, I felt so uncomfortable and upset. A few moments after my alarm started going off in my phone, it was in my bag so I got up and moved away from him to my bag, switching off my alarm. He'd followed me and was now stood behind me with his arms around me kissing my kneck. I could see him looking at me intently so I asked why, he said he could see I wasn't into it. He stopped, sitting back on the sofa with his head in his hands, shaking his head and apologising, I sat on the edge of the sofa and told him it was OK, then he started to touch me again. I should have stopped it there but I didn't know how, I felt bad for him and didn't want to make him feel even worse. I went along with it, he took off my underwear and we started to have sex. I didn't enjoy it one bit, after a while I stopped him. We sat on the sofa and he made another drink, I told him I didn't want more, he insisted. We drank and watched the movie a little then he apologised for taking up to much of the sofa as he saw me perched on the edge but that wasn't the reason why. He moved along and grabbed my arm for me to move. Now I was closer to him. After a while he got up, I wondered where he was going. He took my hand and lead me to my bedroom, took of my clothes, then his and then lay me on the bed, we had sex again. After, he put his arm around me and pull me into his chest, he fell asleep. When I was sure he was asleep I got out of the bed and put clothes on and lay on the chaise longue in the same room. I lay looking at him wondering what the hell had just happened, how he could do that to his brother and why I didn't stop him. I didn't get much sleep that night, when I woke he was up and in the lounge smoking, I lay in bed not knowing what to do, we'd both been drunk the night before, would he remember what we did?! He walked back into the bedroom said good morning and got back into the bed, it felt awkward. We didn't speak more. A few moments later I got up. He followed about an hour later, I was sat on the sofa, he came and sat with me but lay on it and put his head in my lap. I cringed, he had remembered and he wanted more. I quickly asked if he'd like coffee so I could get up, I made the coffee and perched back on the edge of the sofa, coffee in hand so he couldn't return to my lap. He told me to relax, as he took the coffee from my hand and put it on the coffee table. He started to touch me again, ending in us having sex again, I felt frozen and numb, angry that he'd betray his brother and upset with myself for letting him in and trusting him. I sat in silence, he began to say he was hungry, I told him I needed to go shopping so didn't have anything to make for him, this was a lie, the fridge was full, but I just wanted any excuse to get rid of him. I told him again about the café at the end of the block and he could get pizza there. He asked me to go but I told him I wasn't hungry, after a while he left, thanking me for 'a nice night'. I called my husband, he didn't answer. I took a shower and lay thinking about what happened. What should I do. I reasoned that he would never tell his brother about what happened because he would not want to risk loosing him, so decided I would keep quiet too and just forget it happened. I saw him a week later when I was out again with friends, he appeared from nowhere and kissed my cheeks as he said hi, then he went to his friends. I left the bar and he asked where I was going and told me to come back. I said I would but made sure I didn't and made sure when we left to go home we didn't walk back past that bar incase he invited himself back again. 

My husband didn't return, apparently he was working away and his German gf was with him, yet he would be speaking to me for hours at night over the phone, so I wasn't sure I believed him. 

I became ill at the beginning of October, I contacted my husband to see what medication I should buy (he's familiar with the names of it in Italy) he panicked as he said I didn't sound good and asked if he should come, I told him not and that I could take care of myself, after all I'd been doing it for months now. I made the decision to fly back to the UK to stay with family until better, where I was diagnosed with Norovirus and told to rest and take anti sickness tablets. A couple of days later he called saying I'm knocking on the door, answer. I had to explain I'd gone to see family, he was upset I didn't let him look after me, but I explained why and explained it'd break my heart to have him stay to look after me and then return to his new gf, after everything that had happened over the last few months I still loved him. He then told me that they had broken up, that she wasn't happy about him running to his (ex) wife when I was ill, and he said that he didn't feel home with her. This may be true it may be a lie, I don't know anymore. 

We started to contact with each other more and more over the next few days, we talked about if we could make our marriage work after what all that had happened, I told him honestly, that I never stopped loving him and he was the man I married because he was the man I saw my future with, I explained nothing worth having is ever easy and we needed to work hard at our marriage. That I was gutted about the other women and the thought of him with them made me feel sick. He eased my mind a little by saying that the German gf hadn't been much of a gf, they hadn't lived together, though he did slip up a couple of days later when he said they stayed at her house and it was nice. He said he met her at work and that it started as 'friends with benefits' he insisted that they didn't speak now, since he told her it was over and he was now freelancing somewhere else so he didn't see her at work either. 

Over the next couple of days we spoke constantly, he would call first thing to make sure I was feeling OK and asked if I needed anything sending. I saw a glimpse of the man I married. We had a few heart to hearts and decided to make our marriage work. I was so happy, but i couldn't get these other women out of my head, we had a conversation one day and he said something and sarcastically I brought up the German women. I don't know what possessed me to ask or why I wanted to know but I asked how she was in bed. My husband refused to answer, saying what happened between two people in a closed room was between them and that it was against his culture to discuss things like that. It upset and concerned me that he was still protecting the honor of a women he claims not to be in contact with any more and I reminded him that I am his wife and told him I was disappointed that he put her feelings above mine. When we got together we told each everything regarding previous partners, it wasn't against his culture then. 

I signed up to this site that night to get opinions on if people thought I was being unreasonable in wanting to know such things and to see if anyone had any suggestions on how to get these women out of my head, because I know whilst they are there I'm going to struggle repairing my marriage. 

Between signing up for this site and getting round to writing this, things have taken an even worse turn. My husband had returned to our home town in Italy and yesterday went out with his older brother. He's been excited to tell him that we had decided to make a go of it and that I would be returning next week. His older brother has then ruined his excitement and told him his version of what happened and last night my husband called me and asked if I had anything to tell him, I said I didn't but the more we spoke the more it became apparent his brother had told him. He hung up on me, I asked him to call today when he had free time to talk alone. He didn't call. He sent a message at 1am saying "don't bother, this is where is ends" . I told him that wasn't going to be the case and that I would tell him the WHOLE TRUTH but not at 1am when my family were all sleeping. I again asked that tomorrow he let me know when he was free and I'd call and tell him everything, he said he wouldn't be free as he would be with his gf, so I said "oh so you lied about not being with her" I don't know if he is lying or if he is saying it again to hurt me. He went on again about how perfect she was and how she made him a better person, everything he says about me when he isn't angry with me. He then started to talk about his brother and did I think his brother was gonna cover my back when I did something like that. I told him again he needed to think about how his brother had betrayed him and again told him I'd tell him the whole truth tomorrow. I know my brother in law has lied about what happened because yesterday when my husband confronted me about it he mentioned that I'd supposedly invited my brother in law back "so we weren't drinking in the street" and "was I too wasted to know who I was with", yes I'd been drinking but not enough I didn't know what was happening. Apparently there are witnesses to us leaving the bar and "going home to ****" there will be witnesses to be making sure he got to the taxi safe the first time round, the night it happened we weren't out together, so that's lies too. I know I played my part in this wrong doing but I feel like my kindness in looking after him (a man I didn't get on with) was misconstrued and used against me, makes me not want to be nice. My husband obviously knows there is more to it and has agreed to talk tomorrow. 

I don't really know what to do, I'll tell him everything, movement by movement from the very beginning, he's my husband and I owe him the truth. I'd rather he hadn't found out because I know despite his shouting and horrible words he'll be broken and betrayed and I wanted to spare the man I love that, that's why I didn't tell him from the start. He's a man of double standards, him cheating is and having another relationship is OK but me having sex with someone else whilst seperated is the end of my marriage. I don't know if I am better off out of it, his lies, his mind games or if I stick with trying. I do love him but sometimes I wonder why. Do people think its possible to come back from infidelity?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What a mess!

You lost a baby and your husband blames you. Something like 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's very normal. Did no one tell him that miscarriage is normal and not the fault of the woman?

Your husband was living with another woman and rubbing it in your face. Had you be with any man other than his brother, he would have no right say anything. Your husband is a cad at the very least.

But you broke a major rule in having sex with his brother. You can argue the details, but the fact is that you had sex with his brother. I doubt your husband can ever get over that. 

I think your marriage is over. It's actually probably for the better. Do you really want to be with a man who openly cheats on your, blames you for a miscarriage? And how can you stay in that family now with what has happened?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well calling the kettle black, you both have crappy to no boundaries. It doesn't matter what version you tell him, because when you banged his brother all bets are off not just once but multiple times. It doesn't matter putting perfume on a skunk it still smells like a skunk. 

You destroyed, that family of brothers and trying to paint it Rosy colors don't matter. If you both stick together you both deserve each other. Your both the same and you wanting to know the details if your husbands GF sex, is nonsense. Rationalizing the your affair, to make yourself look and feel better? What's that about? Your both cheaters work on yourself to prevent this from happening again to you next future mate. But what you did is in your character, so that must change to be a faithful person from this point forward.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Your husband is dishonest, immature, and mean. Being married to him is going to be dramatic roller coaster full of doubt, petty arguments, and pain.

And, I don't really know what to say about your behavior. You had sex with his older brother 3 times, consecutively, despite not wanting to? You need to learn how to establish boundaries.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce him. He and his family are toxic. And you need counselling.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I think you need to work on being real with yourself. I see a pattern of putting yourself in situation that have a predictable outcome but then to playing the naive victim. You married a known player and then are surprised that you were not able to change him. Then you put yourself in a vulnerable position with his brother and then play the it just happened card. 

The same way we men say to each other that you can't turn a who.. into a house wife, you women can't turn a loser douche player into a quality husband. You ignored all of the red flags because you wanted the tingles that your bad boy husband gave you. The problem is that a guy like that will always have a woman on the side. The way you were drawn to him like a fly to the light, so are other women.

As for you having sex with his brother, you knew darn well it was going to happen but want to put it all on the brother and the liquor. I would think that in 2019, women would stop acting like they have no agency but you really embrace this childlike helplessness. 

My advise is to dump your husband. He's just going to continue to bring you heartbreak. I also advise that you search deep inside yourself to find out why you believe that you don't have a say in how your life moves forward, especially when it comes to who has access to your body.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well, hallpasses, being equal if she was going to get it should have been done outside of the family. Character is character, and if the intention was to reconcile it would have been better outside the family. Period!

And you telling her go girl with family, is absurd, she's seeking validation for her actions and that doesn't fly with her H family there's a big world out there to get it on with.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> What a mess!
> 
> It most definitely is 😕 Thank you for you reply.
> 
> ...


I fear my marriage is over, and my family and friends would probably also say it was for the best. They've seen me become a shell of the person I was and he has a part to play in that. But I'm struggling to come to terms with it, I feel like I'm struggling with everything, the baby, my marriage, I spend my days smiling whilst fighting back tears, I can't concentrate on my work and want to stay home alone and not see people. I love him, we've been through so much and this is why I forgave time after time. I'm an educated person and I can see what he is doing to me and if it was a friend I'd be saying get the hell out of there but for some reason I stay. I know what I did was utterly wrong and I would never seek justification for that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce. Be done. What a trainwreck... no other person is worth this crap.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. I know that can be a devastating situation, especially when you are being blamed for it.

You must realize that you have described depression - right? Depression is something that has to be confronted and resolved. Have you sought IC (individual counseling)? That would help you to work through some of this. I'm not mental health professional, but it seems to me that you have some sort of obsession issue that needs to be worked through regarding justifying yourself and going back to an abusive situation and abusive person for more abuse.

1. You had a great loss which your husband turned on you and you felt you had to explain yourself. This is damaging to your well-being. It has got you into a cycle of trying to justify yourself, even though there wasn't anything you could do about it.

2. You got into a bad situation with your brother in law. Honestly, I didn't read the whole thing. It was too long, but I got the gist. After that, you really cannot stay with your husband. That family is messed up. You didn't want to have sex with the brother, but you did. I don't know if you were raped or just extremely foolish and drunk, but you went back, which seems a lot like what you are doing with your husband. You are going back for more mistreatment and somehow feel the need to justify yourself to him. This is extremely unhealthy.

3. You are letting your emotions rule you rather than doing what you know is right for yourself. Your primary responsibility is to care for yourself, but you are not doing that when you continue to engage in this drama with a man who doesn't have your back and his family (brother) who will never let you be healthy. Unfortunately your need to justify yourself and resolve issues that you cannot resolve seems to be driving you to some pretty self-destructive behavior. You've got to get some help and get this under control or your life is going to spiral further out of control. You really need to file for divorce and stay as far away from your husband as possible.

4. Your husband is never ever going to take you back now that you've been with his brother sexually. Leave him alone and seek personal healing.

5. I forgot to mention the obvious that has already been stated on this thread. Your husband is a mean and vindictive man who doesn't actually love you. He is self absorbed and cannot be trusted on pretty much any level. You need to stay away from him for your own self-preservation.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I don't think that there's anything you can say, @Northern star ~ that would convince me that this marriage is worth salvaging!

See a good family lawyer and try to move on from this abusive situation! *


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Northern star said:


> I fear my marriage is over, and my family and friends would probably also say it was for the best. They've seen me become a shell of the person I was and he has a part to play in that. But I'm struggling to come to terms with it, I feel like I'm struggling with everything, the baby, my marriage, I spend my days smiling whilst fighting back tears, I can't concentrate on my work and want to stay home alone and not see people. I love him, we've been through so much and this is why I forgave time after time. I'm an educated person and I can see what he is doing to me and if it was a friend I'd be saying get the hell out of there but for some reason I stay. I know what I did was utterly wrong and I would never seek justification for that.


It sounds like you are in a very deep depression. Getting yourself to a better place emotionally is where you need to be putting your efforts and focus right now.

Even if your marriage was eventually reconciled, you cannot do it in your current state. Getting back with your husband is not going to fix your depression. It will in the long run make it worse because there is just too much damage there. 

So work on yourself. How do you do that?

Start out with some physical exercise. If you can, join a gym. Or at least walk for an hour or so a day. Maybe join a running or hiking group (try meetup.com if it's in your country). Walking is a better anti-depressant than drugs.

If after walking/exercising for a couple of weeks you are still this depressed see a doctor to get some anti-depressants. It should be for no more than a year because this is a situational depression.

Get out an do things. Be active. Be around people who are supportive of you. Take up a new activity/hobby.

You are the only person who can fix your state of mind.

Losing a baby by miscarriage is a hard thing to deal with. I know I lost a baby a 6 months. A few years later I lost twins at 7 months, they were still born. I know far too well how devastating this is. But you can get over it. A larger percentage of women go through miscarriages. We have to find a way to get on with life.

Your marriage is a mess. A lot of us go through that as well. Sadly, after a miscarriage and/or still birth, marriages fall apart. Very often the husband will blame his wife because just like the woman, he is hurting and has no idea what to do with that pain and their wife is the easy person to blame. I went through that too. Over time, my husband was angry, he never outwardly blamed me, but he treated me as though he did. And he cheated. The cheating ended our marriage. But I really think that the loss of our twins was the catalyst.

Again, it's all been quite unfair. Life is often unfair. But this is your life, take control of it and work to get rid of that nasty depression.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Well calling the kettle black, you both have crappy to no boundaries. It doesn't matter what version you tell him, because when you banged his brother all bets are off not just once but multiple times. It doesn't matter putting perfume on a skunk it still smells like a skunk.
> 
> You destroyed, that family of brothers and trying to paint it Rosy colors don't matter. If you both stick together you both deserve each other. Your both the same and you wanting to know the details if your husbands GF sex, is nonsense. Rationalizing the your affair, to make yourself look and feel better? What's that about? Your both cheaters work on yourself to prevent this from happening again to you next future mate. But what you did is in your character, so that must change to be a faithful person from this point forward.


Thanks for the advice and sorry for the late response. 

I would be the first to admit I have an issue in setting boundaries because I hate to upset or offend people. It's been an issue my whole life where I've ended up in some awkward positions, especially at university. However on the other hand I've come to realise he's untrustworthy on all levels. 

I've far from destroyed that family of brothers, he has blamed me entirely and it appears his brother has got away with his part. 

Neither have I ever been unfaithful, yes I was still married but I was seperated when this happened and if it had been anyone but his brother I wouldn't say he'd have any right to be angry, after all he did cheat. I'll be eternally sorry to him for what happened, simply because of who it was and I should have been stronger to stop it. It didn't feel good, so I got nothing from it. I'm not a cheat and I dislike cheaters.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Your husband is dishonest, immature, and mean. Being married to him is going to be dramatic roller coaster full of doubt, petty arguments, and pain.
> 
> And, I don't really know what to say about your behavior. You had sex with his older brother 3 times, consecutively, despite not wanting to? You need to learn how to establish boundaries.


You are so right, my marriage has been a roller-coaster for some time, his lies and mind games have my head in a spin constantly, but I've loved him so I allow him back everytime. 

I'm beginning to realise he is dishonest and mean, having spoken to him on Monday evening he was in fact with the other women (the one noone - friends, including myself knew if she existed because why would he tell his wife he'd done someone else) He was telling me again how much better she was than me. Now he's either been lying all along when he's been wanting to get back together and has been seeing her since July or he has run straight back to her when we have argued, either way this is the reality check I need to realise he's not a good man AT ALL.

You are also completely right about boundaries. As mentioned above this has been an issue for some time. I shouldn't get myself into certain situations, like in this instance I should have stood my ground about him coming into my house like I did the first time, because even though I didn't think he would there was always the possibility he'd try something and allowing him in gave him that opportunity. I should have also felt empowered enough to tell him no without being worried I'd upset or offend him.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Divorce him. He and his family are toxic. And you need counselling.


Definitely the way forward.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

jsmart said:


> I think you need to work on being real with yourself. I see a pattern of putting yourself in situation that have a predictable outcome but then to playing the naive victim. You married a known player and then are surprised that you were not able to change him. Then you put yourself in a vulnerable position with his brother and then play the it just happened card.
> 
> The same way we men say to each other that you can't turn a who.. into a house wife, you women can't turn a loser douche player into a quality husband. You ignored all of the red flags because you wanted the tingles that your bad boy husband gave you. The problem is that a guy like that will always have a woman on the side. The way you were drawn to him like a fly to the light, so are other women.
> 
> ...


As mentioned above I would be the first to admit I have issues with boundaries and putting myself in bad situations, I'm often aware that situations can go a certain way but hope (naively) that people would act appropriately. I can honestly say that after having denied him coming in the first time and after we'd spoken in depth that night about his wife, my husband and the kids, I never dreamt he would act inappropriately. As for knowing full well it would happen, if I had the slightest thought he would do that/that would be the outcome I would never have let him in the house. We've never got on, we disliked each other so why would I WANT to have sex with him, I'm his brothers wife. As for the alcohol, yes we were both drunk, but I'd never blame that, I still knew what was going on. If anything is to blame its my weakness.

Your right about the tingles the bad boy gave me I guess, I seem to have a type. I wasn't long out of a relationship when I got with my husband, he helped me get out of a relationship with a man that was a real ****. Although he was a bad boy and had been a player before, he was so gentle and caring with me. He spoke openly (as did I) about his past and relationships, nothing was hidden so that made me feel comfortable when he said that he was ready to grow up and settle down, I trusted him implicitly until I found the messages on his phone, which I'd looked at because I'd seen the Facebook posts. Obviously not that clever to do it on Facebook when we were friends and I could see all. I guess I hoped I didn't need him to change him into a good husband as he appeared to be one, maybe I was fooled and this is the real him.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

One Eighty said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > you banged his brother all bets are off not just once but multiple times. It doesn't matter putting perfume on a skunk it still smells like a skunk.
> ...


I'm not a vindictive person, but having spoken to him and told him the truth and listened to him and his new (the one he cheated with) women tell me I'm this that and the other because of what happened, I'm actually glad it was his brother. Although I'm sorry about what happened and will always be, I hope he feels at least a little bit of the pain he has and continues to put me through. He asked me when we got back together if I'd been with anyone else. I told him I had as I intended to tell him the truth, but he got really upset and angry so I quickly told him I hadn't but said it to hurt him the way he'd hurt me. He didn't even question it but the relief was obvious. So I know the fact I've been with anyone, let alone his brother will be hurting him.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Divorce. Be done. What a trainwreck... no other person is worth this crap.


Most definitely!


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. I know that can be a devastating situation, especially when you are being blamed for it.
> 
> You must realize that you have described depression - right? Depression is something that has to be confronted and resolved. Have you sought IC (individual counseling)? That would help you to work through some of this. I'm not mental health professional, but it seems to me that you have some sort of obsession issue that needs to be worked through regarding justifying yourself and going back to an abusive situation and abusive person for more abuse.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to reply and for ur words about the baby. 

I am aware that I could be suffering from depression around my situation and no I haven't had IC. I have however started to be more open and honest with friends and family. I always protected my husband from them knowing the truth about what he was doing within our marriage and how manipulate he was. Mainly because I knew what he was doing was wrong and that friends and family would never accept it. I only ever showed them the side I fell in love with. So over the past couple of days I've told family and close friends everything. It's helped to be able to talk about it with them and helped me realise a few things. The "you can do much better than that scum bag" is a little hard to hear but I know its true. 

You could be right about the obsession with wanting to justify myself. I have always hated anyone thinking badly of me or I hate to think I have/could upset anyone. This does lead me to some self-destructive behaviour as evidence by my marriage and events with his brother. Perhaps I should seek counselling to help with this?!

I've known for a long time this man was breaking me but I've found it hard to leave, I'm hoping this will be the end of it as much as that hurts, like you say for my own self-preservation we need to end this destructive marriage. 

Thanks again for ur insight it was helpful ☺


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I would not put it past these two that they had not had this entire thing planned out from the start so that your husband could look better despite his indiscretions and abuse and to make YOU look worse, you took advantage of his brother when he was at a low point in his life, making you look EVIL.

Run from this family and stay away.

They have shown their true colours to you repeatedly, and the more you go back, the worse the abuse will be.

Do not beat yourself up about it being his brother either. The entire lot of them are a bunch of players and probably have handed women between them or even at the same time. He is just using this as an excuse to end your marriage because he is not marriage material and wants his freedom to do who he pleases.

If he wanted to be with you, he would have tried a lot harder and put a lot more effort in it, but he is using you as a scapegoat instead. He is a selfish coward who will do or say anything to bed a woman. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

arbitrator said:


> *I don't think that there's anything you can say, @Northern star ~ that would convince me that this marriage is worth salvaging!
> 
> See a good family lawyer and try to move on from this abusive situation! *


I'm beginning to come to terms with that as much as he promised a lifetime and I thought he was the one. 

I'll definitely be filing for divorce ASAP.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Northern star said:
> 
> 
> > I fear my marriage is over, and my family and friends would probably also say it was for the best. They've seen me become a shell of the person I was and he has a part to play in that. But I'm struggling to come to terms with it, I feel like I'm struggling with everything, the baby, my marriage, I spend my days smiling whilst fighting back tears, I can't concentrate on my work and want to stay home alone and not see people. I love him, we've been through so much and this is why I forgave time after time. I'm an educated person and I can see what he is doing to me and if it was a friend I'd be saying get the hell out of there but for some reason I stay. I know what I did was utterly wrong and I would never seek justification for that.
> ...


Thanks again for your reply and sorry to hear you have been through the same with babies. It is indeed hard to move on from and I seem to be around alot of babies or pregnant people right now which hurts a little too, even though I'm mega happy for them. 

I'm trying to take control of my life and getting the old me back. I've moved back into our English home, today started back at work again and had my hair cut 😂 (he likes it long, so I've had loads chopped off) I've told friends and family what has been going on and told them my marriage is over, alot are relived and hoping I'll stand by this decision. They have been really supportive and its been hard hitting but good to read on here that what he's been doing isn't right.

I know my behaviour was inappropriate too and I need to work on saying no. 

Thanks again.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> I would not put it past these two that they had not had this entire thing planned out from the start so that your husband could look better despite his indiscretions and abuse and to make YOU look worse, you took advantage of his brother when he was at a low point in his life, making you look EVIL.
> 
> Run from this family and stay away.
> 
> ...


It's funny you should say that, he told me that he had told his brother to do it and that it was a test. Test if what I have no idea, I was single at that point. More like he can't handle the fact his brother wanted his wife, he's always been careful with me around them so obviously he also knows what they are like. But I don't believe it (his lies are numerous so it's hard to know what is true and what isn't). I don't believe it because his brother had repeatedly told me he hadn't been heard from my husband, when I was asking him where he was and that he only ever heard from them when they need something or are in trouble. Who knows though, his brother could be a liar too, though I've know him as an honest man before. All three brothers are players and his wife left him because he acts like a single man when he is married with kids, I'm surprised she put up with him as long as she did. 

I also believe that him and his bit on the side where recording me when we spoke on Monday evening. I could tell I was on loud speaker and he kept asking me to repeat certain things and insisted I say his brothers name, which I didn't because I told him he knew who it was so why would he need me to say it. He then said everyone would know what I was and made several threats. Let him, if he sends the recording or tells people what happened, he'll only come off worse because I'll tell all the truth, including his family. I didn't cheat, yes I had sex whilst married and unfortunately with the wrong person but we were separated.

He's an idiot


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Northern star said:


> Thanks for the advice and sorry for the late response.
> 
> I would be the first to admit I have an issue in setting boundaries because I hate to upset or offend people. It's been an issue my whole life where I've ended up in some awkward positions, especially at university. However on the other hand I've come to realise he's untrustworthy on all levels.
> 
> ...


That ok separated means away from another, but cheating is cheating, whether you admit it or while married it's still infidilty. Here a explanation:

Infidelity (synonyms include: cheating, straying, adultery (when married), being unfaithful, or having an affair) is a violation of a couple's assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity.

What you and your husband did. Admittedly


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Northern star said:


> I'm not a vindictive person, but having spoken to him and told him the truth and listened to him and his new (the one he cheated with) women tell me I'm this that and the other because of what happened, I'm actually glad it was his brother. Although I'm sorry about what happened and will always be, I hope he feels at least a little bit of the pain he has and continues to put me through. He asked me when we got back together if I'd been with anyone else. I told him I had as I intended to tell him the truth, but he got really upset and angry so I quickly told him I hadn't but said it to hurt him the way he'd hurt me. He didn't even question it but the relief was obvious. So I know the fact I've been with anyone, let alone his brother will be hurting him.



And you are correct one one thing it will be forever be him against his brother. Wondering who is the one who's supposed to know better?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Northern star said:


> You are so right, my marriage has been a roller-coaster for some time, his lies and mind games have my head in a spin constantly, but I've loved him so I allow him back everytime.
> 
> I'm beginning to realise he is dishonest and mean, having spoken to him on Monday evening he was in fact with the other women (the one noone - friends, including myself knew if she existed because why would he tell his wife he'd done someone else) He was telling me again how much better she was than me. Now he's either been lying all along when he's been wanting to get back together and has been seeing her since July or he has run straight back to her when we have argued, either way this is the reality check I need to realise he's not a good man AT ALL.
> 
> You are also completely right about boundaries. As mentioned above this has been an issue for some time. I shouldn't get myself into certain situations, like in this instance I should have stood my ground about him coming into my house like I did the first time, because even though I didn't think he would there was always the possibility he'd try something and allowing him in gave him that opportunity. I should have also felt empowered enough to tell him no without being worried I'd upset or offend him.


I'm glad you're seeing him for who he is. Even if this GF of his is make-belief, he is still lying to you, repeatedly, and doing everything in his power to hurt you. Insulting your wife's sexual abilities? Who does that? No one worth being with. I realize it may be hard to give up on him, to let go of the hope that he'll become the man you once thought him to be. But don't fall into the trap of sitting around waiting for people to treat you how they should.

Yeah, I'm still taken aback that you would sleep with a man multiple times, simply because you couldn't bring yourself to say no. You owe yourself better than that. Your sexuality is special. Guard it. Don't hand your kitty to any man who would feel bad if he didn't get to sleep with you. Respect yourself, don't allow people to walk all over you - especially where it concerns sex.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Northern star said:


> Your right about the tingles the bad boy gave me I guess, I seem to have a type.
> 
> I guess I hoped I didn't need him to change him into a good husband as he appeared to be one, maybe I was fooled and this is the real him.


First, I'd like to tell you a story. I had a dear friend named Cassie. She had a type, too. She came to me once and talked about how she was so sick of being treated badly by "thugs", which was local slang for "bad boys". I said "If you don't want to be treated like thugs treat their women maybe stop dating thugs." She couldn't, she said, because that's who she was attracted to. She was addicted to the drama, the push-pull, the idea that she could reform these men and make them into proper husbands and fathers. They all talked about their previous relationships and had a line a mile long about how they'd changed and were ready to settle down and how she was the perfect woman to do that with, yadda yadda. None of them ever changed.

Her final "bad boy" killed her 9 years ago. 

Would your husband kill you? Probably not! But there are more ways to die than just physically. If you were to try to salvage this catastrophe of a marriage I can guarantee you it will slowly eat your heart and soul to the point you'd become only technically alive.

He's a liar and a serial cheater. He's cruel and selfish. That's who he is. This _is_ the real him. Past, present, and future.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Northern star said:


> Your right about the tingles the bad boy gave me I guess, I seem to have a type. I wasn't long out of a relationship when I got with my husband, he helped me get out of a relationship with a man that was a real ****. Although he was a bad boy and had been a player before, he was so gentle and caring with me. He spoke openly (as did I) about his past and relationships, nothing was hidden so that made me feel comfortable when he said that he was ready to grow up and settle down, I trusted him implicitly until I found the messages on his phone, which I'd looked at because I'd seen the Facebook posts. Obviously not that clever to do it on Facebook when we were friends and I could see all. I guess I hoped I didn't need him to change him into a good husband as he appeared to be one, maybe I was fooled and this is the real him.


Tart from 12:33


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm with all the others who advise you to cut your losses now and divorce.

I have one other thing to say though -

You sound like you slept with his brother simply because you didn't know how to say 'no.' You say that you didn't dream that he would be inappropriate.

You were inappropriate with him, though. It takes two to tango and you danced with him. It's also his brother. This is incredibly hurtful. It's drama the likes of a soap opera on tv. You didn't just float along helplessly following the brother. He didn't mesmerize you.

You may be depressed. No matter what, you need some professional help. The way you have acted in your marriage is not healthy.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Northern star said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not a vindictive person, but having spoken to him and told him the truth and listened to him and his new (the one he cheated with) women tell me I'm this that and the other because of what happened, I'm actually glad it was his brother. Although I'm sorry about what happened and will always be, I hope he feels at least a little bit of the pain he has and continues to put me through. He asked me when we got back together if I'd been with anyone else. I told him I had as I intended to tell him the truth, but he got really upset and angry so I quickly told him I hadn't but said it to hurt him the way he'd hurt me. He didn't even question it but the relief was obvious. So I know the fact I've been with anyone, let alone his brother will be hurting him.
> ...


I think we should have all known better. I should have ended it with my husband the first time he cheated, I should have known if he could do it once he could do it again, like he continues too. Yes me and his brother should have known better too, but we don't continue to make our mistake. And I should have known/stuck with not letting him in the house and putting myself in awkward position. 

Just a sorry situation 😔


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

BioFury said:


> Northern star said:
> 
> 
> > You are so right, my marriage has been a roller-coaster for some time, his lies and mind games have my head in a spin constantly, but I've loved him so I allow him back everytime.
> ...


Oh I'm most definitely seeing him for who he is and the lies continue. 

It would seem my husband played me and his brother and I'm possibly the one who let everything out of the bag or so his brother would have me believe. I was in contact with his brother who denied telling anyone, saying that what happened was for him only. He says that his brother has said "the stupid girl told me everything, I asked and she told me" but I only told him because I was sure he knew. There were things happened that night and at the cliff top that only his brother and I would know so when he mentioned it I was sure he knew. I don't know what the truth is or if they are feeding me more lies but today I was left feeling guilty AGAIN. My brother in law had said my husband went to him after I told everything and asked him and he admitted it too, I asked how he was and he said "he look to me like I just killed him". His brother seemed genuinely upset about it and asked why I'd told him because I made him look bad. 

The delightful gf of his isn't make believe, I know that for a certain now. She's the ***** that was OK being fwb with a man she knew was married and was expecting a baby. She is apparently also the one who told my husband to record me confessing and my brother in law confirmed he has recorded it.

It is hard to give up on him because it's giving up on the future we had planned. I've forgiven him so much because of this but I'm realising for my own peace of mind I can't do it again, because he won't change, unfortunately. Walking into our bedroom and seeing the happy wedding pictures next to the bed broke my heart on Friday morning, so I spent the weekend cleansing MY home from him in a hope it'll help.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> Northern star said:
> 
> 
> > Your right about the tingles the bad boy gave me I guess, I seem to have a type.
> ...


Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. That's a dreadful outcome. 

He might be the biggest naracistic ******* I know but he has never and I don't think would ever harm me physically but I totally understand what you mean. 

Your right about it eating away at my heart and soul, I've forgiven so much and I fear it already started. Despite everything I'm the one that's left feeling worthless and alone, although I'm well aware I'm not either of those things. He's lost everything, his baby, his wife, his parents aren't speaking to him because if it, he's lost the house, our friends, respect. Yes I lost my baby and my husband but I still have a great job, house, everything I could need, I just need to get my head around the first two and find a way to move on.


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

alte Dame said:


> I'm with all the others who advise you to cut your losses now and divorce.
> 
> I have one other thing to say though -
> 
> ...


Already started the ball rolling with the divorce and the house in Italy. Trying to cut him out of my life ASAP, as much as it hurts.

I should have said no I'm aware of that, I just didn't want to hurt an already hurting man further. I'm aware that's wrong and probably messed up. By trying to be nice, I've made the situation a hell of a lot worse. I'm aware I was inappropriate too, in hindsight I wouldn't have let him in the house, but I did and it happened. My marriage was over long before my behaviour, I just couldn't see/come to terms with it.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Northern star said:


> Already started the ball rolling with the divorce and the house in Italy. Trying to cut him out of my life ASAP, as much as it hurts.
> 
> I should have said no I'm aware of that, I just didn't want to hurt an already hurting man further. I'm aware that's wrong and probably messed up. By trying to be nice, I've made the situation a hell of a lot worse. I'm aware I was inappropriate too, in hindsight I wouldn't have let him in the house, but I did and it happened. My marriage was over long before my behaviour, I just couldn't see/come to terms with it.


Sounds like you have a lot of self-insight. That's a great start. I think that you know what has to happen. There is someone out there who will ADORE you and you will feel the same way about him.

Give yourself time to heal and be alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Northern star said:


> Definitely the way forward.


Is it possible that the times with his brother were a set up between him and his brother?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Having a ring and being named Missus, does not a marriage make.

Ye' never had a marriage, Ye' had a dream that ran off on a mare, in the night, all day, everyday, such a fright.

The next go-around, find Ye' a man who stays around, one roundly employed, and profoundly engaged and enjoyed of.

It should not take our words and our observations for you to see the pig in the poke, the sows ear is not that silk purse.

Wanting things to go well, to be better, works only in writing, not in reading reality.



King Brian-


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Northern star said:
> 
> 
> > Definitely the way forward.
> ...


Anything is a possibility where my husband and his lies are concerned I guess. But my instinct is telling me not. The more I find out the less I'm inclined to believe that my husband "told him to do it as a test" as he suggested. Thinking back to the night we slept together, it was a chance meeting as he drove past, so I don't think that could have been set up. Why take us for a drive and to the cliffs, why would he put his heart on the line and tell me things he's never told anyone (he doesn't talk often about emotions) if it was just a game, would he not just want to get it over with? Plus my brother in law needs an Oscar if he wasn't genuine when he was asking why I'd told him and telling me how devastated my husband looked. 

I feel like we were just two hurt individuals who ended up together and my husband has twisted it to suit him, to cover the lies and games he's been playing and to say I ruined our marriage because he knows full well he did that along time ago.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

One Eighty said:


> Right, like him banging women and rubbing it in her face was not already enough to put this marriage in the dumpster. Her banging his brother is almost meaningless. Except in a good way. To make sure this creep of a guy never come crawling back like many do and then break her heart again.
> 
> 
> *Yea! You go girl! What kind of brother was he after all. Like he didn't have agency himself, to get his brother's wife drunk and bang her, what scum. Just as bad as her husband. Plus she gets to give some pain to her cheating lying husband. All around good in my book. Killed two birds with one stone. Love it*.


One point to add where everyone is "you banged his brother..."

The brother had sex with and told his younger brother.

Do no one see anything wrong with this (other than the obvious reasons)?

What kind of competition do these two have?
What kind of hatred do these two have?

Why didn't the husband go after the older brother?

WHY WHY WHY WHY?

Too many why's and I haven't even read everything to the end of the thread yet and my brain is filled with millions of why's.

OP - *RUN*

Do not talk, contact, think about.

Block, go NC and thank the stars you are out of that family.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Northern star, in the end cheating is cheating, you still can not claim the high road but you took the the tunnels. Nothing gives you any validation for Your acts, cheating is cheating and you think your intelligence and writing the way you dance around of calling it what is was is not a mistake but a choice you made. 

You are what you fear a Cheater. It's plain and simple. Work on your self you should have divorce first before you banged another while you were married. So when you're in the next relationship you have some honor and honestly. 

Tilted


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Northern star, in the end cheating is cheating, you still can not claim the high road but you took the the tunnels. Nothing gives you any validation for Your acts, cheating is cheating and you think your intelligence and writing the way you dance around of calling it what is was is not a mistake but a choice you made.
> 
> You are what you fear a Cheater. It's plain and simple. Work on your self you should have divorce first before you banged another while you were married. So when you're in the next relationship you have some honor and honestly.
> 
> Tilted


QFT thanks for the reminder Tilted1.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

One Eighty said:


> Cheating IS cheating. Unless it isn't. This marriage was over long before she succumbed to the charms of another man. She was moving on. Perhaps not in the healthiest way but rebound sex is very often not made with the clearest head. How many stories have we seen here where the first time back in the saddle the BS picks an inappropriate (for them) person to assuage their feelings over being cheated on, humiliated, dumped. Now she is moving on with a clearer head. Who really cares that two scumbag brothers were hurt in the process.
> 
> So, not a great choice for a rebound lover, true. Cheating, that 's a huge stretch, IMHO.


LOL, ok by your standard it's cool, but of all intents and purposes, while legally married. It's still cheating not matter what type of lipstick you put on that pig it's still a pig. And you should take a poll who here takes which stand. LOL


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## Northern star (Oct 10, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> One Eighty said:
> 
> 
> > Cheating IS cheating. Unless it isn't. This marriage was over long before she succumbed to the charms of another man. She was moving on. Perhaps not in the healthiest way but rebound sex is very often not made with the clearest head. How many stories have we seen here where the first time back in the saddle the BS picks an inappropriate (for them) person to assuage their feelings over being cheated on, humiliated, dumped. Now she is moving on with a clearer head. Who really cares that two scumbag brothers were hurt in the process.
> ...


To be fair, by my husbands standards it was okay to get a 'friends with benefits' whilst he was telling his wife how madly in love he was and how excited and overwhelmed he was about becoming a father. I'm all good with my morality and standards, I've never cheated or even thought of another man in the years I've been married until this point. I regret the hurt I've caused people, but that's because I am a caring person. My husband couldn't care less that he's destroyed me and I've got to give it to his brother (no pun intended) at least he's showed a bit of care. 

YES, legally I'm still married, those vows meant alot to ME and still do, stupidly I still love him because it wasn't all bad. But I've accepted this marriage was over in August and if I'd have got my head out the clouds back then I'd have been divorced before this situation even occurred, hell I probably wouldn't even have been there.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's a start, for you. When you fully grasp and quit dancing with shoulda's and coulda's. You can move forward or stay where your at and wallow in it. Rationalization is what got you there and will keep you there. It is your life just quit trying to fool yourself. 

Tilted


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Northern star said:


> To be fair, by my husbands standards it was okay to get a 'friends with benefits' whilst he was telling his wife how madly in love he was and how excited and overwhelmed he was about becoming a father. I'm all good with my morality and standards, I've never cheated or even thought of another man in the years I've been married until this point. I regret the hurt I've caused people, but that's because I am a caring person. My husband couldn't care less that he's destroyed me and I've got to give it to his brother (no pun intended) at least he's showed a bit of care.
> 
> YES, legally I'm still married, those vows meant alot to ME and still do, stupidly I still love him because it wasn't all bad. But I've accepted this marriage was over in August and* if I'd have got my head out the clouds back then I'd have been divorced before this situation even occurred,* hell I probably wouldn't even have been there.


 And if frogs had wings they wouldn't bump their asses when they hopped.

Look, you screwed your husband's brother. Divorced, married or engaged, that is out of bounds. There are just some lines you don't cross, that's one of them. Whether you get a consensus on whether you can pigeon hole it as cheating or not doesn't negate the fact that it is just as, or more egregious no matter how you label it.



> I am a caring person.
> 
> ... stupidly I still love him because it wasn't all bad.


 These 2 statements run completely counter to your actions. Your actions show both of the above statements are false and wreak of a double standard. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can get yourself in a healthy place before your next relationship. If you keep the mindset you have you will keep having problems with future relationships.


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