# confused over ex's contact



## rumple9

Story is long term relationship (21 years & 1 teenager) - she cheated and left me 3 years ago for another man. Her new relationship only lasted a matter of months and she is on her own now. We have had very little contact since at my instigation.

Anyway the week before last I posted some pics of my new girlfriend and I taken over the last 6 months on FB (I don't go on it very often).

Since then all of a sudden my ex is contacting me with feeble things about our daughter as we have not spoken in 10 months (I usuallly arrange contact with daughter directly). She was asking if I still love her and she said always loved me. My response was she had a funny way of showing it.

She's obviously been looking at my FB and seen the pictures of my new gf (we are not friends on there but my FB is open to the public) as she's messaged me tonight out of the blue asking if I'm in love. I simply replied my private life was nothing to do with her.

I thought this is really odd and wonder why she is doing this. Is she jealous or something? What does she want?


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## lenzi

I read your back story. Well, not all of it, but enough of it to see that she cheated on you and treated you horribly, to the point that you were suicidal.

Stop caring about what she wants.

Stop communicating with her.

You need to let her go- completely.


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## Openminded

She's fishing. Life didn't turn out the way she thought. Now you're moving on and she doesn't like it. Quit responding to her.


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## Ceegee

It's nothing to be confused about. You two had a long history and she feels uncomfortable with someone moving in on what used to be her turf. 

It's a selfish compulsion for X's to do this. 

It has very little to do with you really. 

Btw, good response to her question about your personal life. Keep it that way.


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## SamuraiJack

Sounds like the greener grass on the other side of the fence turned out to be astroturf...

Sucks to be her, but she made a CONSCIOUS choice to do what she did and now she is paying the price.

She is fishing to see if there are any residual feelings she can exploit and make you into plan B once more.

If it makes you feel any better, this is usually guilt or need based on their side.
Just let her go.


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## Bruticus

Sounds like she wants you back. Don't take the offer, she cheated on you and would likely do it again anyway. Let her wallow in her own misery, and don't wipe that grin off your face.


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## HeartbrokenW

Block her on fb.. that'll stop her from seeing anything at all.


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## Pluto2

Maybe you should not let her drain out any more of your mental energy. If you are done, be done. Are you asking because you're not really done?


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## movealong

HeartbrokenW said:


> Block her on fb.. that'll stop her from seeing anything at all.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans

Sounds like she is feeling wistful for the past and maybe thought the grass would be greener (it's not).


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## SamuraiJack

Jellybeans said:


> Sounds like she is feeling wistful for the past and maybe thought the grass would be greener (it's not).


You have to admit...it's a truly gratifying feeling to see your ex on the other side of the fence with a mouthful of Astroturf saying "Bub I sthill wub yooooooooo".


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## Ceegee

HeartbrokenW said:


> Block her on fb.. that'll stop her from seeing anything at all.


A good move only in showing them that you do not wish to share your private life with them.

It won't keep them away though.

I blocked mine 2 years ago. To this day she still complains to people about things I post. 

Point is, get to a place where it no longer matters what they think, say or do. Then it won't matter what they know.


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## 3Xnocharm

Openminded said:


> She's fishing. Life didn't turn out the way she thought. Now you're moving on and she doesn't like it. Quit responding to her.


:iagree:

Yep. Dont respond, and block her on FB.


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## SamuraiJack

3Xnocharm said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Yep. Dont respond, and block her on FB.


Then post very vague, but triggering things in Public mode.
Things like checking in at the first resturant you went on a date with your ex...

See? If YOU control the information flow, you can actually derive some amusement out of it.


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## Ceegee

SamuraiJack said:


> Then post very vague, but triggering things in Public mode.
> Things like checking in at the first resturant you went on a date with your ex...
> 
> See? If YOU control the information flow, you can actually derive some amusement out of it.


My GF checked us in the other day at the restaurant where my XW was caught with her married BF that triggered our D.

It's a romantic, off the beaten path Italian joint.

Within hours I was getting angry emails.


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## SamuraiJack

Ceegee said:


> My GF checked us in the other day at the restaurant where my XW was caught with her married BF that triggered our D.
> 
> It's a romantic, off the beaten path Italian joint.
> 
> Within hours I was getting angry emails.


I posted "easing into my 4th year of freedom...Life is good.."

The looks I got at the musical were priceless.


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## the guy

She is fishing now that she is single.
You did the right thing with your reply.
Leave it alone.

Soon she'll get another guy and will leave you alone..


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## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack and Ceegee, you guys are devious, and I LOVE it!


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## rumple9

Thanks for the replies - so she has contacted me again tonight to say that she can't fall in love with anyone else as she still loves me, and asking if I can't fall in love with anyone else also (real answer is I can't! but will never tell her that) 

I haven't replied as I'm going to try and think of a cutting remark overnight.


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## lenzi

rumple9 said:


> I haven't replied as I'm going to try and think of a cutting remark overnight.


Good plan. Spend the entire night thinking about how to get even with your ex. Now that's time well spent!

/sarcasm off


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## commonsenseisn't

rumple9 said:


> (real answer is I can't! but will never tell her that)
> 
> I haven't replied as I'm going to try and think of a cutting remark overnight.


It's ok to admit to yourself and to us that you still have feelings about her. You're only mortal and it takes a long time to achieve indifference for some of us. Indifference toward her should be your goal. You are not currently showing it. You'll get there though. 

It's fun to consider cutting remarks, but the truth is it's best to take the high road in your interaction with her. I'll always remember Shamwows example in how he dealt with a cheater. It was classy. 

Consider telling her: Any lingering feelings of love I might have for you are irrelevant because what you did renders it impossible for us to have a relationship. I am moving on and you would be wise to do likewise.


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## SamuraiJack

lenzi said:


> Good plan. Spend the entire night thinking about how to get even with your ex. Now that's time well spent!
> 
> /sarcasm off


Better yet....just let it simmer.


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## LBHmidwest

You = Plan B

If not c, d, e, f, g or h


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## Chuck71

My XW pulled this....several times. It's all in my backstory. 

The best way to torment her...is to move on an be happy.

To be in love with someone else....to her, in consolable. 

I would measure this with Dante as the eighth ring of he!!


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## FeministInPink

Chuck71 said:


> My XW pulled this....several times. It's all in my backstory.
> 
> The best way to torment her...is to move on an be happy.
> 
> To be in love with someone else....to her, in consolable.
> 
> I would measure this with Dante as the eighth ring of he!!


This kind of behavior from an ex... it just goes to demonstrate his/her emotional instability, and only proves that the break-up was a solid choice.


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## Chuck71

All three times with my first three loves....part of me wanted to

I will always love them but, who they "were," not who they became.

Soon I will face a fourth... and as times goes on, it will follow the first three.


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## Cinema79

Ignore her. Ignore all communication with her. She's doing this for herself and not you. She didn't give a sh*t about you. If she really cared, she would have not have cheated in the first place. 

Want to torment her? Disappear. That's drives them nuts!


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## helolover

rumple9 said:


> Thanks for the replies - so she has contacted me again tonight to say that she can't fall in love with anyone else as she still loves me, and asking if I can't fall in love with anyone else also (real answer is I can't! but will never tell her that)
> 
> I haven't replied as I'm going to try and think of a cutting remark overnight.


Your strength is in your quiet composure. There is no response required.


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## hope4family

Chuck71 said:


> *My XW pulled this....several times. It's all in my backstory. *
> 
> The best way to torment her...is to move on an be happy.
> 
> To be in love with someone else....to her, in consolable.
> 
> I would measure this with Dante as the eighth ring of he!!


Don't they. Why? I wonder. We both know the answer and it's potential complexity. 

Here is one instance of it happening. I'll never forget the day my ex-wife told me the name of the person I was dating based off one photo. You foolishly tell yourself they will never stoop to that. 

The irony of which, we weren't dating. But, I suppose I could have asked her out if I wanted. I wasn't going to confirm or deny who I was dating to ex after she went through all that trouble.


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## hope4family

helolover said:


> Your strength is in your quiet composure. There is no response required.


If you are happy with your girlfriend. You will tell her to take a hike. Otherwise, no response required. Ever.


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## Chuck71

hope4family said:


> Don't they. Why? I wonder. We both know the answer and it's potential complexity.
> 
> Here is one instance of it happening. I'll never forget the day my ex-wife told me the name of the person I was dating based off one photo. You foolishly tell yourself they will never stoop to that.
> 
> The irony of which, we weren't dating. But, I suppose I could have asked her out if I wanted. I wasn't going to confirm or deny who I was dating to ex after she went through all that trouble.


In the end, if you gave kindness and made humanistic mistakes, they always return.

Cheating and abuse will be the only things which run them off forever.

I never did those. I call it closure or, in ReGroup's blog, the IDGAF letter.

Having the it will never be again speech is almost like, the actual break up

all over again. Am I ready to 100% cast UG away....no I'm not. Should I?

More than likely yes....but there is unfinished business left on the table.

I have a free pass to date 3-4 women....and guess what, it is a blast!

Home cooked meals, great conversation, "sleep overs" .... yeah...


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## GusPolinski

Remove the text alert associated w/ your wife's entry in your contact list. Or find a way to block texts from her altogether.

If she winds up needing to contact you regarding your daughter, she can e-mail or -- in the case of an emergency -- call.


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## ConanHub

I would be honest and let her know I never stopped loving her and always will.

I would also tell her that is what makes her betrayal so tragic. She murdered a marriage with someone who will always love her.

I would say that our time together is done and I am really sorrowful that she destroyed something so beautiful.

I would say it softly, even letting myself cry and mean every word.

I wouldn't take her back but I wouldn't hide the truth either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsVain

rumple9 said:


> Thanks for the replies - so she has contacted me again tonight to say that she can't fall in love with anyone else as she still loves me, and asking if I can't fall in love with anyone else also (real answer is I can't! but will never tell her that)
> 
> I haven't replied as I'm going to try and think of a cutting remark overnight.


she didnt love you enough to keep her legs closed. 

typical cheater line, dont fall for it. and dont respond at all. i know in my case (as a woman) it drives me NUTS when i never get a response to a text or email. kill her with kindness haha

i love the whole "let her see your life on fb" thing. it was HER choice to blow up the marriage. And no matter what she texts you in response of what you post on facebook, do not respond. the only thing you need to talk to her about is your child, the rest is none of her business (that is what my XH told me when he took his married **** to met with me when we were still married, it was none of my business who he had in his truck) now that you have moved on and found someone to be with, she is panicking. she thought she would never lose you. you WERE SAPPOSE to sit there and pine away for her, until she was done playing and then she was going to pick up with you where you left off...

i am so happy for you!!!


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## MrsVain

ConanHub said:


> I would be honest and let her know I never stopped loving her and always will.
> 
> I would also tell her that is what makes her betrayal so tragic. She murdered a marriage with someone who will always love her.
> 
> I would say that our time together is done and I am really sorrowful that she destroyed something so beautiful.
> 
> I would say it softly, even letting myself cry and mean every word.
> 
> I wouldn't take her back but I wouldn't hide the truth either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


if you tell her this, then she will think she won. she will think that she is soooOOOOoo wonderful, you cant go on without her.

the trouble with that is that she really doesnt want you. she didnt love you ENOUGH....notice i say enough, she probably loved you in her own way, but she didnt love you ENOUGH to do the right thing.

and another thing, why in the world would you want to give her ammunition to hurt you more!! in my case, my EX and his married **** got great enjoyment out of my pain, neither he or his hood rat cared that i was hurting so bad. every time i said something it was twisted into something completely different until i finally decided that i wasnt going to ALLOW them to hurt me anymore, until i finally decided that i was NOT going to be their source of entertainment because both of their lives are so pathetic they are only happy if they are hurting someone else.


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