# How to control a wife's spending



## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

How do other's handle a wife who spends without regard?

Mine has good job and all, but I write the checks......so I see the bills, but she does not even think about it.

every month it's like $$$ here to the Amex, $$$ for this, $$$ for that....stuff that is BS...... or may not be BS, but something you would not have bought if you could not afford it. because most things can be rationalized given enough thought.

How do you get them to understand...."hey just because you may have the money now, does mean the money would not be better spent paying off the mortgage or stashed away"

what do others do?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Take the cards away. That's what I'd do. And give her an allowance. Anything above that needs to be discussed together first.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I got rid of most of hers...not by taking away... one someone hacked or whatever, so i got new cards and just threw hers away. another same thing, closed the card, got new cards...just never gave her hers. but the Amex is in her name.....really I've slimmed it, but it's still dumb stuff.

like what about her letting someone else pay for dinner?
who spend 190$ @ petsmart on pet toys? it a long list of dumb crap like that. oh, it's this persons B day this week, gotta send 75$ flowers etc.

Tax day today...lol just seeing it makes me a lil red.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ATC529R said:


> I got rid of most of hers...not by taking away... one someone hacked or whatever, so i got new cards and just threw hers away. another same thing, closed the card, got new cards...just never gave her hers. but the Amex is in her name.....really I've slimmed it, but it's still dumb stuff.
> 
> like what about her letting someone else pay for dinner?
> who spend 190$ @ petsmart on pet toys? it a long list of dumb crap like that. oh, it's this persons B day this week, gotta send 75$ flowers etc.
> ...


Well maybe the Amex needs to go too. Either that or you tell her to call you if she wants to spend more than a set amount. If she's not paying the bills she really has no other choice here.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Why aren't you sitting down together to pay bills? Could you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kathy is right. She needs to be involved in the finances.

are you able to pay off the cards monthly?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She's probably one of those types that has no desire to deal with the details of HOW the bills get paid. Her spending habits say that much.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

ATC529R:

Have you and wife EVER sat down and made up a BUDGET? I think it would help A LOT.

Tell your wife you'd like to do that. NOT because you want to CURTAIL HER spending, but because TOGETHER you guys have goals and you want to be able to meet them effectively!

In your budget, include short-term goals (vacation this year?) and long-term goals (retirement, college for kids). Include discretionary spending of an equal amount for EACH of you (and you're not allowed to CRITICIZE IN ANY WAY what the other spends his/her discretionary funds on).

If she can SEE where the money is going, and she can SEE the goals that you two HAVE AGREED ON, then she should have NO PROBLEM sticking to a budget. Once your budget is set, it only needs to be reviewed 1x/year (at New Year's or at wedding anniversary time) to tweak it. But let her know you CAN TWEAK it...any way you BOTH decide...it's not engraved in stone! It's a road map to get you ALL THE PLACES you want to go in your lifetime.

Good luck!


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Kathy is right. She needs to be involved in the finances.
> 
> are you able to pay off the cards monthly?


yes, I pay them off when they come in 95% of the time.

I took over the bills a few years ago when I started working from home. It just makes sense for me to do it.

not knocking her, but seriously, if I waited on her to go over them stuff would be late. I'm a bit anal about that to, so maybe my impatience has some to do with it.

I let her know when things get tight and to slow down, and she does...so I can't blame her there. but when things are good she just spends 

I do tend to spend on the big stuff a couple times a year. It's the little to medium stuff thats so fricken irritating. the 50-200$ stuff 1/2 dozen times a month. or like the grocery store.....she'll but the $7 homogenic pasturized eggs...the high end of whatever. 
but when things are tight she be more frugile.

how do you make them think like that all the time?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> ATC529R:
> 
> Have you and wife EVER sat down and made up a BUDGET? I think it would help A LOT.
> 
> ...


that sounds good in theory. but I may get paid a lot one month, and nothing for 3 month's. So the budget thing is tough to do. What I was doing is just keeping enough for 90 days and getting the rest to the mortgage. but once in a while I will cut it close......just looking for a way to change the way she looks @ it..... not sure it can be done.

but yes, "I" have made a budget 1/2 dozen times........doesn't really matter though unless I can get her to look at it.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> yes, I pay them off when they come in 95% of the time.
> 
> *I took over the bills a few years ago when I started working from home. It just makes sense for me to do it.
> How did it work before you took them over? It doesn't make sense for you if she was more thoughtful in her spending before you took over.
> ...


You do it with a budget. Do you have one? If so, did you develop it together & both approve? If you have $xxx for groceries and she buys the premium stuff, you can then show her the budget and where she went over. 

If you don't have a budget, how is she supposed to know where things stand? And you don't have to go over all the bills with her, you just go over the budget vs. actual. If you are over, then look at the individual bills to determine where you both can spend more wisely.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

the other thing when choosing a partner is to choose someone who has the same sense for spending as you do. 

for example, my fiance and I agreed that furniture in the 4 digit price range is too expensive. So I have found furniture that is more in the low 3 figures; I get on to every mailing list for the special offers and save the coupons and so on.......

TJ Maxx is my favorite go to store for just about everything else. We share a credit card account for the past 6 months and we haven't had any arguments........

My fiance has told me to spend extra on my friends so that's worked......


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Ok, with the variance in income a budget becomes essential. And the goal is to put away money (in a separate saving account maybe) to cover the "lean" months. And always look to replenish that first.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think it's also lifestyle and habits. I was living from contract to contract so I learned to squeeze a nickel until it screamed......as my mother would say.

My fiancé has to remind me, just go get what you want........

But if you're with someone who constantly feels the need to buy all the rounds; pay for other people's dinners; show up with the most expensive birthday gifts; shop for designer clothes at full price and so on........ I'm not sure a budget is going to save the relationship ........


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Making a budget doesn't work with a person who doesn't think twice about their spending habits. That's the crux of the problem. Not respecting the income maker.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Making a budget doesn't work with a person who doesn't think twice about their spending habits. That's the crux of the problem. Not respecting the income maker.


but she makes a good income. so I can't complain there. 

I know a budget is the answer....I just can't get her to follow one unless she has too based on the bank account.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

My husband and I have a bi-monthly finance meeting. We look at the money coming in, current bills, planned expenditures for the next few months, college savings for our son, etc. 

I make as much money as my spouse but he has always paid the bills. This was a division of labor we agreed on early in our marriage since he is much better at it than I am. I would never pay a bill on time if it weren't for auto-bill pay. We agree that neither of us can make a purchase of more than $250 without informing the other. We have also agreed to a certain amount of discretionary income for each of us each month for lunches, birthday gifts for friends, hair salon, clothing etc.

Sit down and TALK to your wife about it without preaching. My husband's unilateral decisions about money nearly ended us up in divorce court.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ATC529R said:


> but she makes a good income. so I can't complain there.
> 
> I know a budget is the answer....I just can't get her to follow one unless she has too based on the bank account.


If she makes a good income I'm confused as to why you would care about her spending $190 on dog toys.

Do you have a savings account?  If not open one and ask her to help contribute to it. Let her do what she wants with the rest.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> that sounds good in theory. but I may get paid a lot one month, and nothing for 3 month's. So the budget thing is tough to do. What I was doing is just keeping enough for 90 days and getting the rest to the mortgage. but once in a while I will cut it close......just looking for a way to change the way she looks @ it..... not sure it can be done.
> 
> but yes, "I" have made a budget 1/2 dozen times


It's still do-able!

1.) Budget LEAN! If you've got extra, you TWO CAN AGREE to spend it later!

2.) Doesn't matter how many budgets YOU make; if SHE'S not on board, doesn't get a vote, doesn't see the point, then it's NEVER GONNA WORK.

Show her how it will benefit BOTH OF YOU! Unless she's an unreasonable princess bytch (which it doesn't sound like), she can understand the concept AND the reality. If YOUR big thing is paying down the morgage EARLY, then SHOW HER how much you 2 will be saving by doing so. Discuss what you can do with the $$$ saved by paying it off early!

Not criticizing YOU, but it sounds like YOU fly by the seat of your pants on the 'budget' thing, then when you tell her "spend less" THAT is nebulous ($100/month less? $1000/month less? how much LESS is "less").


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,bingo my wife was just like this years ago.If she has a credit card,get her to lower the amount she can charge in a month.
IF its say$500 thats all she can charge up.It will teach her to pay it down.

If you have a line of credit she can't have the ability to use it.
My wife was a master at getting cash from my cards and then
I would get this massive bill out of the blue.

If she can't control her spending you might have to give her a 
fair cash allowance she can live with.

You need to talk to her about this.In cases where on spouse
is spending crazy,This can wreck a marriage

Thankfully i'm great at stretching a managing money,or long ago
we would have lost everything.Over 20 yrs finally wife has got it.

I have paid off over $40,000 in her stupid credit cards over 20 yrs.Last time I told her,next time you hide a credit card from me
its divorce.

Limit the amount she can actually charge and hope shes not hiding the bills when they come in the mail.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

nevergveup said:


> Well,bingo my wife was just like this years ago.If she has a credit card,get her to *lower the amount she can charge in a month.
> IF its say$500 thats all she can charge up.It will teach her to pay it down.*
> If you have a line of credit she can't have the ability to use it.
> My wife was a master at getting cash from my cards and then
> ...


thats a great idea. We use the Amex for about everything, which lends itself to being unlimited.....and then I get a bill for XXX amount. I have cancelled most of the other cards, but never thought of lowering the limit.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Why aren't you sitting down together to pay bills? Could you?


:iagree:

You both need to sit down and look at your incomings and outgoings. 

I keep a keep a regular check on my bank accounts and it's a good deterrent from making impulse purchases, and encourages me to stick to a realistic budget.

Your W needs to learn the value of money, and she's not going to do this if she isn't forced to see what she's doing to the marital finances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ATC529R said:


> yes, I pay them off when they come in 95% of the time.
> 
> I took over the bills a few years ago when I started working from home. It just makes sense for me to do it.
> 
> ...


This all is very hard to discuss without knowing details.

Generally speaking this is the 'budget' that I suggest....

With each paycheck

10% goes into saving for a rainy day. This money is only spent with both of you agreeing on it.

All bills are paid. This includes an agreed up amount for groceries, medical expenses, etc.

The remaining $$ is divided 50/50 with each of you getting to spend your half of discretionary income on whatever you want. If the two of you want to save for a special purchase… say new living room fur nature, then you put money aside from this discretionary income. Some couples divide this 33/33/34%. The 33% each and 34% in the ‘us’ fund for buying things like for the house, joint vacations, etc.

I don’t like budgets as they are broken as soon as written. And yes I work up budgets all the time. They are useful to know the basic picture from the 1000 ft vantage point. But people seldom follow budgets. 

What I suggest is that you get the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. The two of you read it and the two of your work the program. Also go to the author’s web site for help.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Also,if you are using a credit card for so much,get one with points
at least you get some benefits from it in the end.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I don't think you can put a limit on an Amex card.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

the real question i am asking is can you get someone to go from being "not sure if we have it, so I'll buy it" to "we might not need it, so I'll check and see"

going from what I would call carefree to what she would call cheap.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ATC529R said:


> the real question i am asking is can you get someone to go from being "not sure if we have it, so I'll buy it" to "we might not need it, so I'll check and see"
> 
> going from what I would call carefree to what she would call cheap.


Sure you can do that... if YOU hold the card. She can ask you for it.

If you've already tried to make budgets with her and she still just does what she wants, what other choice to you have? You want control where you don't have control. The way to get control is to be in possession of the item that is being abused. KWIM?


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well shes works maybe you can take a % of her pay each week
for bills and saving and let her have the rest.If you can give it to her in cash she then can learn that this has to last her for the whole week.This way she wont run up cards.

Would this work?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> If you've already tried to make budgets with her


"with her" being the operative phrase

If you've done this WITH HER and she doesn't respect the budget, give her CASH only.

If you've made unilateral budgets and decisions, try INCLUDING her in the decision-making so SHE sees and has input into the importance of it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> yes, I pay them off when they come in 95% of the time.
> 
> I took over the bills a few years ago when I started working from home. It just makes sense for me to do it.
> 
> ...


I used to be like her, and then I met my 2nd husband. He literally sat down every single day at the computer and spent 3-5 minutes entering the prior day's receipts and bills into a financial software program. I had no interest at all in it (still don't know how to set one up!) but his daily feedback on where our finances were at was very helpful to me in staying focused. 

HE got started doing that because he talked to a financial planner who helped him set a goal of making $1 million within 10 years. Your goals probably wouldn't be the same, but it might be worth your time to set up an appointment with someone who can help you develop a financial timeline and plan.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

your wife is a working adult; imho making her ask you for an 'allowance' is a recipe for huge resentment. 

yes i know, there is resentment now for you too on account of her spending habits, but making her hand over her pay to you and then beg for a portion of it when she needs it is just trading one problem for another. i don't think that's the answer. 

if you (or you and she together) made a budget and figured out exactly how much you need for bills and agreed on an amount to go into savings each month, would she agree to give you that amount from her pay and allow you to take care of paying the bills? that way you have that control and you can be assured you have enough for bills and savings, and she has her left-over money to do what she wants-without feeling like a child asking her dad for an allowance.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

On a related note, I might caution against suddenly doing a mass closing of all of your long-tern credit cards. That might severely negatively affect your credit score. 

Also - all women/wives are not a "them" than can be "dealt with" in a certain matter. Everyone has different reasons for doing things. Without her here, and without you asking her directly, all any of us can do is guess why she's buying these kinds of things. 

But - it might be that while you don't understand the importance of buying dog toys or organic eggs, if its within your budget, then - it might be a quick of hers you have to accept. If it isn't within the budget, then yes - it needs to be discussed. But that can't happen until you have a budget.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ATC529R said:


> the real question i am asking is can you get someone to go from being "not sure if we have it, so I'll buy it" to "we might not need it, so I'll check and see"
> 
> going from what I would call carefree to what she would call cheap.



If you both have enough money after savings, paying the bills and you getting your fair share of spendable money then she has every right to spend her portion of the discretionary income as she chooses.

So far it sounds like the amount she is spending is not harming your joint fiances any. So it sounds like you are getting to be controlling and you feel that what you want to spend $$ on is ok. But what she wants to spend it on is wrong. IT does not work like that between adults.


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## mdill (Jan 18, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> How do other's handle a wife who spends without regard?
> 
> Mine has good job and all, but I write the checks......so I see the bills, but she does not even think about it.
> 
> ...


When I met my 2nd wife she was in trouble financially. She made good money but spent more than she made. She had debts she couldn't handle. I'm the opposite, so on this level we became the "odd couple". But we fell in love and I asked her to marry me provide we could come to agreement on a few principles and goals (some financial and some others). On the financial front, I explained it was important to me that I retire early. For her, it was most important that she not have to work. I explained that to accomplish both we had to budget and make tough spending choices both at budget preparation time and throughout the year. She bought into the plan. It is very important that the financial goals are discussed and the plan is agreed to. With the agreement on goals in place, I prepared a budget for her, for our joint household expenses and for me. I used Quickent to prepare budgets and track finances. We have continued to develop, discuss and agree on these budgets throughout the years (15 so far) at the beginning of each year. She "retired" shortly after we married and adjusted to living on her budget which was funded with an allowance which she thought was fair. Part of the agreement was that if her expenses ran over budgets, we would get back on budget by cutting back on descretionary expenses in the joint household budget. This did happen and I cancelled planned vacations that we both wanted. Over time, she learned to think carefully about major expenses and has become quite good at getting great value on all her expenditures. Over the years she has come to appreciate the budgeting and certainly appreciates being "retired". I don't usually agree with how she spends "her" allowance. But it doesn't matter as long as her total expenditures is within budget. The same rules apply to my budget and our joint budget. Her goal to be "retired" was met and so have mine to retire early (actually ahead of schedule at 52). Establishing budgets and tracking expenses has more benefits that I have time to outline in this post. I encourage couples to do this. It is not about not spending money. It is about understanding where the money goes, agreeing on spending priorities as a couple and insuring you get the most "value" for what you spend. If you have goals to be financially independent/secure or retiree at a reasonable age, it is a necessity in my view as it way to easy to spend all you make and not save enough for retirement. sorry for the length. Hope this helps.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As a wife who is terrible with money I can tell you Ive been on the receiving end of the frustration you're feeling. If she is spending too much in total, then focus on that. If she is spending unwisely, then shop with her so you two can communicate and hopefully agree on what items are worth it (to spend top dollar) and what items are best left on the shelf or store brand. 

My H used to b!tch and moan every time the credit card statement came in but refused to shop with me. Since we've turned the corner in our marriage he shops with me now and we have those discussions together at the time. I have learned to spend in ways that make him less frustrated and he has learned that stuff costs money.


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## leegmoser (Mar 11, 2013)

I think it is wonderful that you have made some decisions to handle your financial life in a way that suits you and that is great but trying to impose your decisions on someone else is not treating her with respect. That can't be good for your long term relationship. (And put in financial terms, divorce is quite a money loser.) Why don't you try compromising with your wife, having separate finances or working out a plan that works for both of you?


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