# I hate the way my husband kisses



## H-J

Hi,
I'm not a frequent poster at all, being quite private, but I feel there is so much to be learned from the good people on this site, so I am going to stick my neck out again..

I've been married for four years to a good man who is very healthy on a sexual/intimacy level. I on the other hand have very big intimacy issues due to issues of 'emotional-sexual' abuse by my dad in my childhood (long story: I posted it all under a thread called "Don't care for sex due to childhood abuse" on the Sex in Marriage forum).

I would be grateful for advice from older people - people who perhaps have that enviable advantage of being able to view the years behind them with a sense of objectivity and to offer counsel to those of us who are struggling quite far down the ladder.

Due to the sexual damaged inflicted on my in my past, I think that my normal sexual-emotional development was impaired from an early age. I wanted to stop or deny or halt my sexual maturing from about age 11. I disengaged literally from sexuality. This, I believe, must have had a profound effect on me - must have caused this area of my life to stall, and to now be, as a result, under-developed. I told my husband all about this issue before we got married, so he knew sex was an issue for me, but even so, he's battling a lot with things now because 
I've withdrawn sexually in my marriage the more familiar we get with each other. I wasn't exactly a nymphomaniac to start with, so you'll understand how even less engagement from me has really affected our marriage.

Out of respect for my marriage and myself and my husband,I have embarked on a journey to try to understand the past and to try to 'heal' sexually. (again.... I've visited therapists on and off over the past 20 years to try to develop and heal. There are many issues here alone, not least the fact that I have no desire to heal sexually because from a very early age anything sexually intimate was so off-putting that I've learnt to live without it and don't see anything but anxiety coming from changing that - but see the first sentence of this paragraph again...)

But as I confront things, there are some factors that utterly terrify me - I would be very grateful if older people, who have been married (or divorced) for a long time and feel a sense of okay-ness about reviewing the past and learning lessons from it, can advise me in terms of the following:

_As mentioned, I have embarked on this journey to heal sexually. But what if, as I progress on my journey, I start discovering that actually, I'm not sexually attracted to my husband at all? I was sexually dissociated inside myself when I married him, so, apart from an 'academic' feeling I had that I am physically attracted to him, that gut instinct of "I want him sexually" was not working in me at the time we met - so what if i do all this work to heal sexually, only to discover that I don't have the right sexual feelings for him?_

This fear was triggered by two things recently:

1. A friend of mine who was unhappily married for over a decade to a lovely man to whom she was not, however, at all sexually attracted, is now divorced and with a boyfriend with whom she loves sex. This made me fearful - what if I also married a man I'm not actually sexually compatible with? (Never mind all my baggage.. What if, totally separate to that, it's not there for me in terms of being sexually attracted to him?)

2. In my past, the men to whom I've been most attracted are men who are quite small and short - men who don't physically intimidate me in terms of body size, 'manliness', etc. My husband is a big man who furthermore has put on weight... 

3. I HATE the way my husband French kisses. HATE it. Because his mouth is larger than mine it's always this big, enveloping kiss. And because he's sexually very healthy, he loves the whole intimate, slow, teasing kiss thing which I ABHORE because of everything mentioned above. We hardly ever kiss like this now, but during sex it's necessary to get him going, but truly, I hold my breath and grit my teeth. This is a terrible thing to have to do, but also it's tragic that I don't have that lovely sexual feeling when kissing him. I fear so much that this lack of sexual feeling is not actually to do with my fearing intimacy, but a simple lack of sexual/physical compatibility.

The very first time I kissed my husband (on our first date) I remember being bitterly disappointed at the way 'we' kissed. It was awful and did nothing for me. If anything, I always feel quite repulsed - NOT because there's anything wrong with his kisses per se, but because for some reason - style? lack of sexual something in me.. lack of compatibility in terms of mouth size..? - they're just - technically unappealing - too big mouth, too much wetness.

My question: is hating kissing with him a sign that we are sexually incompatible? As I said, I know I had serious intimacy issues and am working on them, and that fear of intimacy could be playing a big part in making me hate French kisses, BUT I DID love FRench-kissing one man - one, out of all my boyfriends past.... this man was a good friend of mine over the years, and, significantly he's small in stature and has a small mouth - this physically fits me very well and I loved our kisses - which is a total revelation from someone who cannot engage on an intimacy level in terms of anything sexual.

So now I fear that my husband was physically/sexually the wrong choice for be because, even in the very early days when a person whose sexual intimacy is damaged can still enjoy sexy kisses, the way he kissed was a total disappointment to me.


IN ESSENCE, WHAT IF WE ARE NOT P[HYSICALLY/SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE and I COULD feel compatible with someone else, and enjoy all those things that I have never actually experienced because I've been sexually/emotionally disengaged since age 11 - falling in 'sexual' / 'intimacy based' love, kissing for hours... I am not referring to puppy-love or romantic immature love - I'm talking about loving the sexual/intimacy factor of your relationship with a man. 

If I don't feel these things with my husband, please tell me a marriage can survive nonetheless, and be happy and satisfying? It sounds insignificant but kissing is a very big part of intimacy and I am so scared that this realization is the beginning of the end, esp as my husband adores kissing and all of this (kissing, intimacy, etc.) is his love language.

What if I could have the most incredible kisses and sex with someone smaller than him? What if I married at a time when my sexual understanding was very naive and under-developed? What if I should've waited until I 'solved' the whole past damage and then chosen a man I am truly sexually attracted to? What if I will live my whole life never feeling those things, not just because of past damage (which I will try to heal), but because, as a result of being damaged at the time I made my marriage choice, I just don't feel those things for this particular man, but would with someone else?

PLEASE TELL ME "IN LOVE" CAN GROW FROM NOTHING AND DEVELOP? PLEASE TELL ME I WON'T HAVE A (TOTALLY UNFAIR) AFFAIR BECAUSE I COULD FEEL THESE THINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE? (My husband feels all of the right sexual/intimacy things for me and yearns so for me to feel them too....)

Sorry I've rambled. I wanted to make this concise but there you go. Any carefully thought out advice will be VERY GRATEFULLY received. thank you.


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## Mavash.

H-J said:


> My question: is hating kissing with him a sign that we are sexually incompatible?


Your story is so sad and I'm not sure how to answer it so what I'll do is give you my story.

There is abuse in my childhood as well. As a result I went the opposite direction as you. I loved men. Different sizes, different looks, no specific 'type'. Dated lots of them. Kissed lots of them. I didn't sleep around because I was a 'good girl'. I just loved men. Loved them more than women. Most of my friends were men. I was never alone and went from boyfriend to boyfriend until I met and married my husband. We've been married 22 years now (rocky because of my issues - I've had LOTS of therapy to fix it).

I'm different than you in that I loved kissing. Used to love to kiss men. Most of the time it would stop there and I'd never see them again. They'd want to see me but I had no interest in them. My joke is I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince.

How did I know I found my prince? When he kissed me it was electric. I couldn't breathe, my heart stopped and I swear I think I saw fireworks. It was like nothing I'd ever felt in my life. And I had to have him. Married him 1.5 years later and the rest is history. 

Do I still have this 'spark' with him today? Yes. When he turns on the charm I melt. My husband makes me crazy. 

In all those men I dated the first thing that would make me cut them loose is if I didn't like the way they kissed. HOWEVER and this is important. I'd say I loved kissing 90% of them. Out of 20 men I'd love to kiss 18 of them. 

I'm no expert and am not sure what to tell you. This is my story, my experience and I hope that it can help you. I pointed out that there is damage in my childhood to show I'm not normal either. You're particular about men and I'm not. It's fascinating how these thing manifest in so many different ways in adults.

I wish you well and hope you find the answers you are looking for here. I'd suggest you ask the normal people how they felt about kissing and see how that compares to you.


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## dontbeused

H-J said:


> Hi,
> I'm not a frequent poster at all, being quite private, but I feel there is so much to be learned from the good people on this site, so I am going to stick my neck out again..
> 
> I've been married for four years to a good man who is very healthy on a sexual/intimacy level. I on the other hand have very big intimacy issues due to issues of 'emotional-sexual' abuse by my dad in my childhood (long story: I posted it all under a thread called "Don't care for sex due to childhood abuse" on the Sex in Marriage forum).
> 
> I would be grateful for advice from older people - people who perhaps have that enviable advantage of being able to view the years behind them with a sense of objectivity and to offer counsel to those of us who are struggling quite far down the ladder.
> 
> Due to the sexual damaged inflicted on my in my past, I think that my normal sexual-emotional development was impaired from an early age. I wanted to stop or deny or halt my sexual maturing from about age 11. I disengaged literally from sexuality. This, I believe, must have had a profound effect on me - must have caused this area of my life to stall, and to now be, as a result, under-developed. I told my husband all about this issue before we got married, so he knew sex was an issue for me, but even so, he's battling a lot with things now because
> I've withdrawn sexually in my marriage the more familiar we get with each other. I wasn't exactly a nymphomaniac to start with, so you'll understand how even less engagement from me has really affected our marriage.
> 
> Out of respect for my marriage and myself and my husband,I have embarked on a journey to try to understand the past and to try to 'heal' sexually. (again.... I've visited therapists on and off over the past 20 years to try to develop and heal. There are many issues here alone, not least the fact that I have no desire to heal sexually because from a very early age anything sexually intimate was so off-putting that I've learnt to live without it and don't see anything but anxiety coming from changing that - but see the first sentence of this paragraph again...)
> 
> But as I confront things, there are some factors that utterly terrify me - I would be very grateful if older people, who have been married (or divorced) for a long time and feel a sense of okay-ness about reviewing the past and learning lessons from it, can advise me in terms of the following:
> 
> _As mentioned, I have embarked on this journey to heal sexually. But what if, as I progress on my journey, I start discovering that actually, I'm not sexually attracted to my husband at all? I was sexually dissociated inside myself when I married him, so, apart from an 'academic' feeling I had that I am physically attracted to him, that gut instinct of "I want him sexually" was not working in me at the time we met - so what if i do all this work to heal sexually, only to discover that I don't have the right sexual feelings for him?_
> 
> This fear was triggered by two things recently:
> 
> 1. A friend of mine who was unhappily married for over a decade to a lovely man to whom she was not, however, at all sexually attracted, is now divorced and with a boyfriend with whom she loves sex. This made me fearful - what if I also married a man I'm not actually sexually compatible with? (Never mind all my baggage.. What if, totally separate to that, it's not there for me in terms of being sexually attracted to him?)
> 
> 2. In my past, the men to whom I've been most attracted are men who are quite small and short - men who don't physically intimidate me in terms of body size, 'manliness', etc. My husband is a big man who furthermore has put on weight...
> 
> 3. I HATE the way my husband French kisses. HATE it. Because his mouth is larger than mine it's always this big, enveloping kiss. And because he's sexually very healthy, he loves the whole intimate, slow, teasing kiss thing which I ABHORE because of everything mentioned above. We hardly ever kiss like this now, but during sex it's necessary to get him going, but truly, I hold my breath and grit my teeth. This is a terrible thing to have to do, but also it's tragic that I don't have that lovely sexual feeling when kissing him. I fear so much that this lack of sexual feeling is not actually to do with my fearing intimacy, but a simple lack of sexual/physical compatibility.
> 
> The very first time I kissed my husband (on our first date) I remember being bitterly disappointed at the way 'we' kissed. It was awful and did nothing for me. If anything, I always feel quite repulsed - NOT because there's anything wrong with his kisses per se, but because for some reason - style? lack of sexual something in me.. lack of compatibility in terms of mouth size..? - they're just - technically unappealing - too big mouth, too much wetness.
> 
> My question: is hating kissing with him a sign that we are sexually incompatible? As I said, I know I had serious intimacy issues and am working on them, and that fear of intimacy could be playing a big part in making me hate French kisses, BUT I DID love FRench-kissing one man - one, out of all my boyfriends past.... this man was a good friend of mine over the years, and, significantly he's small in stature and has a small mouth - this physically fits me very well and I loved our kisses - which is a total revelation from someone who cannot engage on an intimacy level in terms of anything sexual.
> 
> So now I fear that my husband was physically/sexually the wrong choice for be because, even in the very early days when a person whose sexual intimacy is damaged can still enjoy sexy kisses, the way he kissed was a total disappointment to me.
> 
> 
> IN ESSENCE, WHAT IF WE ARE NOT P[HYSICALLY/SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE and I COULD feel compatible with someone else, and enjoy all those things that I have never actually experienced because I've been sexually/emotionally disengaged since age 11 - falling in 'sexual' / 'intimacy based' love, kissing for hours... I am not referring to puppy-love or romantic immature love - I'm talking about loving the sexual/intimacy factor of your relationship with a man.
> 
> If I don't feel these things with my husband, please tell me a marriage can survive nonetheless, and be happy and satisfying? It sounds insignificant but kissing is a very big part of intimacy and I am so scared that this realization is the beginning of the end, esp as my husband adores kissing and all of this (kissing, intimacy, etc.) is his love language.
> 
> What if I could have the most incredible kisses and sex with someone smaller than him? What if I married at a time when my sexual understanding was very naive and under-developed? What if I should've waited until I 'solved' the whole past damage and then chosen a man I am truly sexually attracted to? What if I will live my whole life never feeling those things, not just because of past damage (which I will try to heal), but because, as a result of being damaged at the time I made my marriage choice, I just don't feel those things for this particular man, but would with someone else?
> 
> PLEASE TELL ME "IN LOVE" CAN GROW FROM NOTHING AND DEVELOP? PLEASE TELL ME I WON'T HAVE A (TOTALLY UNFAIR) AFFAIR BECAUSE I COULD FEEL THESE THINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE? (My husband feels all of the right sexual/intimacy things for me and yearns so for me to feel them too....)
> 
> Sorry I've rambled. I wanted to make this concise but there you go. Any carefully thought out advice will be VERY GRATEFULLY received. thank you.


Get help, stay in therapy, do not stop therapy...ever. Your H made a mistake marrying you, as you are too damaged right now. You say yourself you have no desire to heal sexually due to your past. What about the desire to heal sexually so that you can have a healthy marriage and show love to your H.
At some point you need to place enough value on how he feels that you are willing to work hard to stop the pity party. You were abused early on, but your inability to show him the love he deserves and needs is an abuse you are casting upon him.
I am sorry to put it that way, and am terribly sorry for your past, but it is time to grow up. Do you want to be "normal" or remain permanently damaged? Sounds, also a bit like you are placing a lot of importance on the maybe's that include not ever wanting him sexually, his mouth is not small enough etc...
I mean, you married the guy, do you love him? Do you find him attractive? Do you find anyone attractive?
Therapy will help turn you into a permanent 11 year old sexually, into a woman, but only if you care enough about yourself and your H to put in the work. If not, let him go, he deserves a chance to be happy. He wants it to be with you, will you put the work in or not?
BTW- your friend that married one guy she was not attracted to and now has a BF she has great sex with, get a new friend.
No one that is not a user, marries someone they are not attracted to. She used him, and that is sad. You need better people influencing you, you do not need other screwed up people making you think how they act is normal, it is not.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *H-J said:*
> 
> My question: is hating kissing with him a sign that we are sexually incompatible? As I said, I know I had serious intimacy issues and am working on them, and that fear of intimacy could be playing a big part in making me hate French kisses,* BUT I DID love FRench-kissing one man - one, out of all my boyfriends past.... this man was a good friend of mine over the years, and, significantly he's small in stature and has a small mouth - this physically fits me very well and I loved our kisses - which is a total revelation from someone who cannot engage on an intimacy level in terms of anything sexual.*
> 
> *So now I fear that my husband was physically/sexually the wrong choice for be because, even in the very early days when a person whose sexual intimacy is damaged can still enjoy sexy kisses, the way he kissed was a total disappointment to me.*


Read your own words back here...You HAVE sexual SPARK within....you KNEW this when you married .... We don't forget things like that....(especially from one who felt it was lost due to childhood abuse)...as I am sure you've held on to these memories as well... how tormenting it must be.

I can not help but feel a deep sadness & injustice has been to done to your husband reading your post...kudos for at least sharing about the abuse....but did you also clue him ...on loving the kissing of this former boyfriend, another man's kisses LIT you up ....that HE can not compare...even worse, you are repulsed by him ??

You knew you could not give him what he deserved as a MAN, as a husband....a wive's DESIRE and enjoyment- with something he LOVED to experience with you..kissing -meant to be a shared pleasure.....yet went ahead marrying him anyway. ....there will be no good endings here... but pain. 

I've only kissed 3 men in my life... I would say 1 was a better "cold starter" over my husband ...this was all we did was kiss...the rest of the chemistry was not there.. But I've always said ..."That one was a great kisser". 

In comparison...when me & mine got into it...because of how I felt about US...he tripped my triggers, I've always felt Lost/ enveloped... couldn't get enough of his lips on mine.. breathing through each other...a feeling of .."I wish this could go on forever"....I did not have this with the other..even on a small scale.


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## Philat

With regard to the kissing: What's wrong with talking him through a change in technique or approach? Nobody is hard-wired to kiss a certain way. My W and I did that and made kissing a much improved experience.

With regard to the larger issue of sexual attraction: Sorry to say this, but oh your poor husband. I think that love of a sort (the comfortable domestic sort) can grow from nothing (it has to start somewhere), but the kind of spark you're talking about doesn't just ignite out of nowhere. You sound very vulnerable to a PA. I hope you and your H can work this through together, preferably with joint counseling. Don't set him up to be blind-sided by the news that you are not sexually attracted to him (your use of the word "repulsed" is very disturbing) years down the road after he catches you in one of a series of PAs.

ETA: Married 37 years


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## H-J

Thank you to all responders.. Just some clarity - 
- I knew I found my husband physically attractive when we married. But I assumed that my sexual side was just switched off due to the pain of the past. That one boyfriend who I loved kissing - I always assumed it was something to do with the shape/size of his mouth, and not due to the fact that I 'could' in fact feel sexually. I had many boyfriends before marrying, and the pattern of ending up not feeling sexually for them was consistent. So I felt I had a problem which I could heal if I worked on it.

I told my husband all about my past before we married. To make absolutely sure that HE felt sure about what he was doing, I asked him, "If we ended up having sex only once a month, say, would you be ok with that?" And he said yes.

I feel dramatically judged after having posted this thread as most responders seem to have missed the part of my post where I expressed a hope that things would improve, and that I was committed to trying to work out a way forward.

I am sad that the majority of responders don't realise that I have never, ever acted out of a sense of selflishness - I have spent the full total of my adulthood deeply confused and hurt regarding sexual issues and when I married my husband, I truly was doing the best that I can - I only got married at 36 (as opposed to rushing into something very young) - I tried to give myself a lot of time to deal with all my issues and saw many therapists. I did not marry the man I dated before my husband as I truly did not feel more than 'friends' for him and didn't want to marry and then run into difficulties and hurt him later.

I have been doing my best.

Thanks anyway for your views.


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## Philat

H-J, please don't feel judged. In your OP you said;

_PLEASE TELL ME "IN LOVE" CAN GROW FROM NOTHING AND DEVELOP? PLEASE TELL ME I WON'T HAVE A (TOTALLY UNFAIR) AFFAIR BECAUSE I COULD FEEL THESE THINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE? (My husband feels all of the right sexual/intimacy things for me and yearns so for me to feel them too....)_

The responders, based on long experience, are saying that they cannot in all honesty tell you these things that you want to hear. No one rpt no one is immune from having an affair, and from where you are at it sounds like you are in danger of going there yourself down the road. Just saying. Your H might not be totally honest about his acceptance of sex once a month--I sure wouldn't have been at 40. You need to work these issues with your H now instead of waiting in fear to see if later on you will reach the conclusion that you have no sexual attraction to him.


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## H-J

Hi, Philat

I appreciate your second post very much. The thing is this: if it turns out to be true that I am not sexually attracted to my husband, then, based on what I'm hearing, there's no point at all in trying to work on things. According to what I've heard, I should rather apologise profusely to my husband for deluding him and myself, and let him move on to someone else.

Why this is all so difficult: because in so many other ways, my h and I are very compatible: we have the same values, we're both Lone Ranger-ish and give each other yards and yards of trusted space; we both read obsessively; we understand each other's childhood sensitivities; the way we love spending leisure time is the same; we both value family... And we are a sort of yin and yang - we balance each other.

Anyway. I must say I do feel crushed by what I've heard because, lacking a lot of confidence in my own opinions, I tend to put a lot of weight on others', and here we have seasoned "long relationship" people honestly tell me it's probably not going to work.

We have a 2.5 year old son whom we both adore. 

I feel like, without knowing I was doing anything wrong, I have totally screwed up. I also feel unbelievably different from everyone else who chats casually about whether people like hard thrusting or not; how to extend orgasms, etc. I am an aberration and apparently I should have known this and not looked for happiness with someone because I'm not capable of satisfying them.

Philat, thanks again. I guess I just feel devastated about everything.


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## Philat

H-J said:


> Hi, Philat
> 
> I appreciate your second post very much. The thing is this: if it turns out to be true that I am not sexually attracted to my husband, then, based on what I'm hearing, there's no point at all in trying to work on things. According to what I've heard, I should rather apologise profusely to my husband for deluding him and myself, and let him move on to someone else.
> 
> Why this is all so difficult: because in so many other ways, my h and I are very compatible: we have the same values, we're both Lone Ranger-ish and give each other yards and yards of trusted space; we both read obsessively; we understand each other's childhood sensitivities; the way we love spending leisure time is the same; we both value family... And we are a sort of yin and yang - we balance each other.
> 
> Anyway. I must say I do feel crushed by what I've heard because, lacking a lot of confidence in my own opinions, I tend to put a lot of weight on others', and here we have seasoned "long relationship" people honestly tell me it's probably not going to work.
> 
> We have a 2.5 year old son whom we both adore.
> 
> I feel like, without knowing I was doing anything wrong, I have totally screwed up. I also feel unbelievably different from everyone else who chats casually about whether people like hard thrusting or not; how to extend orgasms, etc. I am an aberration and apparently I should have known this and not looked for happiness with someone because I'm not capable of satisfying them.
> 
> Philat, thanks again. I guess I just feel devastated about everything.


Well, I think you're probably beating yourself up a little too much. None of us are in a position to say for sure what will or will not work long-term for you and your H. The title of your thread seemed to paint a very dire picture, though. Your situation sounds very much like the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" scenario that has meant trouble for many TAM posters. It would be useful for others who have found themselves in a position similar to yours to weigh in on this. Don't throw in the towel yet. Keep communicating with your H to make sure you are on the same page. We wish you the best.


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## H-J

thank you again, Philat


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## nevergveup

Stop bashing yourself up.All the TAM posters are saying
that in order for you to have a happy and health
relationship it is gonna take time and continued
IC.

Do you really trust your husband?
If you do,show him how you like to be kissed.
Even in a good marriage,it sometimes get 
emotionally draining,but this is real life.

The greatest gift you have is awareness
and the ability to not let the past 
control your future.

Your husband, should not suffer for bad things
that happened in your past.

Wish you the best.


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## zookeeper

Sounds like a defense mechanism to me. Your mind is throwing up all sorts of doubts and barriers to get you to give up on renewed therapy and the risks of vulnerability that it comes with. 

Just stick with the plan to unravel your issues regarding sex. The truth will be revealed in due time and you can do whatever you must then. Don't allow distractions, just stay the course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

You need to examine where these doubts are really coming from. As zookeeper pointed out, you are resistant to true emotional vulnerability and intimacy. Kissing is a tiny, itty bitty, miniscule piece of that.

You said yourself that by the time you married, at age 36, you had only been kissed by one man whose kiss knocked your socks off. ONE man! That right there tells me it is YOUR wall blocking you, not your husbands mouth shape or tongue technique. Aside from that, kissing techniques are ver simple to alter, but only once you both are able to be open to receive and give very intimate details.

Lastly, commitment means you do not allow yourself to think about greener grass elsewhere. It means you think about what your own lawn looks like and what it needs to grow strong, healthy, and green.

You are very subtly shifting the blame from your walls to his technique. While his technique might need some tweaking, it is your walls that must come down first.

And as you know, been there done that. I have felt the exact same way you are feeling now, shifting blame and thinking about greener grass. So I can tell you that you CAN work through this and become totally in love and attracted to your husband. It takes time, honesty and very hard work.

ETA: married 29 years and becoming a very happy wife.


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## Faithful Wife

H-J...I understand your fears here...and actually, yes it could be true you and your H are not sexually compatible (or that you have no sexual attraction for him).

However...YES there is hope even if that is the case.

You should check out Marriage Builders.

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

There is a lot of info there, including info on how to overcome a sexual aversion.


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## SimplyAmorous

Faithful Wife said:


> You should check out Marriage Builders.
> 
> Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice
> 
> There is a lot of info there, including info on how to overcome a sexual aversion.


Marriage Builders is the BOMB... if they have a write up on sexual aversion...I'd start there...:smthumbup:



> *H-J said*: Why this is all so difficult: because in so many other ways, my h and I are very compatible: we have the same values, we're both Lone Ranger-ish and give each other yards and yards of trusted space; we both read obsessively; we understand each other's childhood sensitivities; the way we love spending leisure time is the same; we both value family... And we are a sort of yin and yang - we balance each other.


This sounds very good..and you have a little boy at home too...... I'll be the 1st to admit, from reading countless marriage stories on TAM... not everyone cares about the same things.. or has the same "*deal breakers"* in a marriage... so let me start here... your saying you are both Lone -Ranger-ish and give yards & yards of space.. I would hate this in my marriage, I would feel my husband didn't love me if he wanted that...but you & he seem to be OK with it... 

Now on the flip side...me & mine would be emotionally crushed if we learned either one of us was repulsed by the other.. I mean he'd NEVER touch me again..and me.. I'd divorce over that... seriously.. his DESIRE and want of me -is very important to me...way high up on that scale...cause I love sex and intimacy, romance and being close to my lover... so my deal breakers would be very different from yours.. so keep that in mind.. with my post anyway... we all kinda speak out of HOW we may FEEL in a given situation.



> I told my husband all about my past before we married. To make absolutely sure that HE felt sure about what he was doing, I asked him, "If we ended up having sex only once a month, say, would you be ok with that?" And he said yes.


 You said this after my post...... in this way, you were honest, he accepted the situation, he still wanted to marry...

This may be a little hard for many of us to swallow (as we can't understand a soon to be husband feeling this way)..... but we are NOT HIM... so it sounds you did the best you could... in being upfront with him...and he still accepted your hand wanting to be by your side... 

In this way...you are not a bad person..the 2 of you are doing the best you can with the situation before you... Start with that Marriage builders article...


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## SimplyAmorous

I looked up the article for you on the site >>>How to Overcome Sexual Aversion..



> *Introduction*:
> 
> Sexual compatibility is very important in most marriages. On rare occasion I find a couple happily married without any sex whatsoever, but in most cases, the quality of sex determines the quality of marriage. When a couple's sexual relationship begins to suffer, the marriage is usually suffering. But when a sexual relationship is thriving, the marriage is also thriving.
> 
> Usually it's the husband who has the greatest need for sex, but that isn't always the case. I am finding increasing numbers of wives who need sexual fulfillment more than their husbands. However, whether it's the husband or the wife with the greater need for sex, the one with lesser need is at risk for a sexual aversion.
> 
> In an effort to satisfy the spouse with the greater need for sex, the spouse with the lesser need often sacrifices his or her own emotional reactions. Instead of sex being an experience that they both enjoy together, sex becomes enjoyable only for the one with the greatest need. And it can become a nightmare for the other spouse. In all too many marriages, sacrifice leads to a sexual aversion, which, in turn, leads to no sex at all.
> 
> This column will help you overcome a sexual aversion if you suffer from it. But even if you don't, it may help prevent you or your spouse from becoming its victim.


*It has 5 steps explained with more detail to overcoming *....

*Step 1:* Learn to relax when you think about sex.

*Step 2*: Learn to relax when you think about having sex with your husband.

*Step 3*: Learn to relax when you think about having sex with your husband with him in the same room.

*Step 4:* Learn to relax when you talk to your husband about having sex with him.

*Step 5*: Learn to relax when you make love to your husband.


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## Faithful Wife

It should be noted, these steps take TIME and a lot of inner work and reflection. It isn't easy and it isn't over night. But it is a good plan. I have read stories over there about people overcoming CSA issues this way.


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## H-J

Thank you all very much for your recent posts. I do appreciate them greatly. Doing serious work on oneself is arduous and one feels confused, scared and all over the place most of the time.

I am filled with so many conflicting thoughts - some of these were soothed by your posts. Thank you very much again. 

I wanted to add that I spoke to my husband - we had a very honest talk, and both of us said that despite the difficulties we're facing on the sex front we love being a couple and would prefer to stay together than to split. We are extremely compatible on so many other levels. I admire and love him for valuing me and our relationship in so many ways. I also know that he is a very particular man with a lot of his own sensitivities and that he didn't think he'd ever want to get married because he was convinced he'd never find someone with whom he felt he could be totally himself and not feel suffocated. The fact that a confident person who would have been very happy on his own feels so happy with me is a big blessing to me, and I think it's also this (the fact that he feels the marriage is a miraculous and unexpected blessing to him) that plays into his philosophical view of the sex side of things.

Like all worthwhile things, taking a very personal journey is very hard. I dread the thought that maybe my husband has given up on having sex with someone who craves him; and I fear terribly that as I walk my journey towards sexual healing, I sexual desire will awaken in me, and I will fall hopelessly for someone else. It terrifies me that I have never been in love with my husband (I feel so alienated hearing about how other people were "very much in love" when they first met), although I am romantic about him.. (i.e. he's not just a friend) - I fear that I too will forfeit falling in love if he and I stay together...

But all of this is speculation, and I must keep focused (as the wise Zookeeper said - thank you, Zookeeper!) on the task at hand. 

Thanks so much to those of you who said there could be hope that I may still fall in love with my husband, and who gave me hope - I can't tell you how much that helps me. Thank you, thank you. Maybe a miracle will occur during my journey and I will awaken to the in love feeling for my husband.

Wishing you all of the best.
H-J


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## ConanHub

Be encouraged. You can work together to improve your sexuality and your love. Your will and how you direct your thoughts will eventually determine your results.

If you continue to direct your thoughts to other men, with smaller mouths, you will find yourself continually attracted to someone other than your husband.

It is hard to take hold of the crazy rodents in our heads but it can be done.

I grew up through tremendous abuse and torture. My sexuality was really impacted. I had a high number of partners with no LTRs and I was afraid to let a woman touch me.

When I met my wife, I knew she was the one, but I was a real mess. The first time we were intimate, I could not stop shaking. 
It was not a very good round of sex for either of us but she was patient and I was willing to work on myself too.

It has been 22 years and we have grown more in love with each other every year. Also our sex life has been getting better too.

We are now so damn hot for each other it can be a distraction and now when we have sex, she is the one doing the shaking!:smthumbup:

If you want it and work it, it can happen.
Be blessed.


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## SimplyAmorous

ConanHub said:


> I grew up through tremendous abuse and torture. My sexuality was really impacted. I had a high number of partners with no LTRs and I was afraid to let a woman touch me.
> 
> When I met my wife, I knew she was the one, but I was a real mess. The first time we were intimate, I could not stop shaking.
> It was not a very good round of sex for either of us but she was patient and I was willing to work on myself too.
> 
> It has been 22 years and we have grown more in love with each other every year. Also our sex life has been getting better too.
> 
> We are now so damn hot for each other it can be a distraction and now when we have sex, she is the one doing the shaking!:smthumbup:


 Sounds you have an amazing marital story of overcoming intimacy obstacles...given your beginnings of deep hurt/ emotional scarring..... maybe someday you will feel comfortable sharing your journey here at TAM...in this section... to how you and your wife has overcome in this....*could be very inspirational to many*...


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## ConanHub

Thanks for the encouragement Sa. I will talk it over with Mrs. Conan. I could probably use some pointers about how to tell the story on this format, but if people don't mind my clumsiness, I think the Mrs. will agree.


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## H-J

SimplyAmorous said:


> I looked up the article for you on the site >>>How to Overcome Sexual Aversion..
> 
> 
> 
> *It has 5 steps explained with more detail to overcoming *....
> 
> *Step 1:* Learn to relax when you think about sex.
> 
> *Step 2*: Learn to relax when you think about having sex with your husband.
> 
> *Step 3*: Learn to relax when you think about having sex with your husband with him in the same room.
> 
> *Step 4:* Learn to relax when you talk to your husband about having sex with him.
> 
> *Step 5*: Learn to relax when you make love to your husband.


Dear Simply Amorous

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to look this up for me! I appreciate your effort and your post very much!


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## H-J

ConanHub said:


> Thanks for the encouragement Sa. I will talk it over with Mrs. Conan. I could probably use some pointers about how to tell the story on this format, but if people don't mind my clumsiness, I think the Mrs. will agree.


Dear ConanHub

THANK YOU for your post. I would be very grateful to know more of your and Mrs Conan's story. I also appreciate your encouragement soo much.


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## Mr Smith

Not long after my wife & I first met, I don't remember exactly how long, she said that she didn't like the way that I kissed, & could I do it a different way. She tried to describe what she meant, & I tried to oblige. after some 'practice' apparently I got it right. !

I don't believe that we can all be natural 'kissers', after all, we are taught many things in life, so why is it assumed that we are all naturally good at kissing?

Would he accept this kind of suggestion? As you have been with your husband for a while, rather than saying that you don't like the way he kisses, how about approaching it along the lines of 'how about trying something different....' Would he be open to this type of suggestion?

Over the years (married for 33) my wife & I have tried many different things in our sex life, some have worked, some haven't & there have been times that we have both been surprised at what does work for us.

I think your comment "...we love being a couple and would prefer to stay together than to split...." is great. You have one of the basic building blocks - you love being together! KEEP TALKING TO EACH OTHER, & be honest without being confrontational about it & both be prepared to give & take. It sounds like you have some issues to overcome, but the future looks promising.

I wish you all the best for the future.


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## JustHer

I too am sorry for your situation. I agree with Mr. Smith, maybe he just needs to tweak a few things to kiss better. My h leaves slobber on my mouth when he kisses and I don't like it. I have tried talking to him and sometimes he tries, but other times he doesn't. It makes a big difference in whether I enjoy kissing him or not. He does other things when he kisses that bug me too, but kissing isn't the end all. I don't think that just because you don't get turned on when he kisses you means that you don't love him or desire him. Love is much more than that.

I have a friend that was sexually abused by her father. She had a miscued perception of sex because of that. But she heard one time from one of her religious leaders that when a married couple engages in intimacy, it is a renewal of their marriage vows. This change of thought for her helped her look at sex differently and allowed her to se it as an exchange of love rather than just a way for men to ejaculate.

Also, keep in mind that love isn't just about sex. It also sounds like from your posts that you do love your husband. Try an experiment and list all the things about your husband that you admire, like and enjoy. This can be daily things and sexual things. Also, what are some of the things that he can tweak that might help you to want to be more intimate with him?

btw, I have been married 29 years.


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## jld

JustHer said:


> when a married couple engages in intimacy, it is a renewal of their marriage vows.


That is beautiful, JH. Thanks for sharing.


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## Jimena

One question, you said kissing was especially uncomfortable, but is the rest of the sex relatively (with your history in mind) good? Perhaps you can engage in different foreplay to make up for it.

I encountered a slightly different kissing problem. I love my Hs lips and he has a talented tongue. Unfortunately, after 8 yrs of being with H, he took up smoking cigars. Saying I'm not a fan would be putting it lightly, but it keeps him off anti-depressants and he's made TONS of business connections bc of it. The worst of it was if he smoked that day, his breath would be especially awful during sex bc it makes you breathe deeper. It was like making out w a litter box. Really, like wafts of poo in my face. Major turn off.
Our solution, we don't much kiss anymore... he just puts his mouth to use in other areas. We both miss the kissing, but the compromise leaves us pretty satisfied.


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## heartsong46

I searched for a blog on this topic. Several years ago, I told my husband that I did not like the way he/we kiss. He sulked and avoided me after that, and reminded me of my words. I "Hate" the way he kisses. It's big, mouthy, sloppy, frenchy sloppy and more of a "place holder" while he moves thru his other paces. Sometimes even too hard and as though he is not paying attention. I am so distracted by his kissing, I am turned off by his other moves. But, I cannot remember wonderful romantic kissing sessions with him, ever. Usually got more heated in a bigger rush and was by-passed? I can't tell him again, and doesn't matter now, anyway because we sleep in separate rooms and I have no desire for any intimacy with anyone. I am approaching 60. This started quite a few years back. Nothing. So, please figure out if your relationship is worth it and work on it. Maybe kissing can be improved? Not in my case. You cannot give him requests, suggestions or guidance without removing all action. I wish it had meant enough when I brought it up the first time to work on some variations? Sounds like your husband would be willing to try working on it. Gentler, softer, intentional...wow. And Kissing is the very best part.


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