# What to do !!!!!!!!!!!



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

So, this is what's going on. 
I met a guy online back in 2010 not a dating site just a webchat I used it to practice my English with native speakers. well, this one guy was very sweet to me and devoted his time to me, I eventually started to grow feelings for him and so did He.
in 2011 he came (went) to visit me in my country, same in 2012, and in august 2012 I flew to USA by myself lived and worked as a babysitter and after a year we married. I came down south and married him, we were "happy" for a while, our sex life was decent though not great but bearable, I never felt a physical attraction to him, it was mostly a chore to me, I felt compelled to have sex with him, since he was so wonderful and caring, a good husband with flaws but I overlooked that and told myself that one day I would feel passion towards him, well... that never happened. 

about a year and a half ago I started to notice that he would go flacid while having sex or would simply not get hard regardless of what I did, he saw doctors nobody had an answer for hid E.D and we just waited it out, we used toys, and stuff to try to make it work, he tried giving me oral but I hated it, it felt terrible, time just kept passing and passing by, and my feeling for him washed out, I was left with a good man who couldn't satisfy me sexually or emotionally, He is 3 years younger than me, so all along I've felt like Im the one carrying the weight of our marriage, I handle all the adult stuff, I even worked through his last semester in college and supported us both so that he could have good grades, Ive sacrificed many things for him, including leaving my country and my family behind. I dont blame him for that, that was my choice, my poor decision of a 21 year old who thought had found the one. 

now in 2016, last week of November, I meet this wonderful guy online, (after my husband told me I could have sex with other guys, since it did not seem like he was gonna get any better from his E.D), so D, he is tall, handsome, sweet, he is a professor in the best university in town, he has written books, and is working on getting his Phd, I met him in person and felt so many things I had never ever felt before, we had sex that day, shy sex, it wasnt great but he convinced me to go back and try again, second time he blew my mind away, I didnt even know sex could be that great, and ever since, we've been meeting for sex about once a week, I hadn't told my husband about it, but I finally did, and he seemed hurt, a lot, I told him I could stop seeing D and go to therapy but he seemed adamant, he doesn't believe in therapy, he told me I dont mind if you see him, but It hurts to hear you say he made you feel things you never felt, I said sorry. but its just the truth. 

now yesterday, my husband went to meet up with his D&D team a board game thing, usually lasts about 4 hours, I wasnt supposed to go see D, because I didnt want to hurt my husband, but I still did, I crave him so bad every day, I cant help myself, he is like cocaine to me, I don't need much but to be in his arms to get turned on, I went to D's and we had the greatest sex ever, he gave me oral and I went to heaven and back, something I thought I couldn't enjoy. I left a note for my husband in the coffee table because I didn't want him to worry I wanted him to know where I was, but he still freaked out, he called me 13 times and said he was gonna call 911, so I came back home, but he wasnt even home, so I went to sleep. this morning he got up and just left to the gym without saying a word to me. 
I feel like we need to get a divorce, we don't have children thanks heaven ! 

but I love his family so much and they love Me so much, this is gonna be painful and I feel like they will judge me because I am on a marriage greencard, I know they'll think I used him to get here, but I truly didn't I was fine in my country, I would probably be better off had I stayed there. 
I am aware that me and D might never have a serious relationship considering how things started, but I am head over heels for him, I think about him 24/7 and I just want to be with him, he wanted me to spend the night over last night, sadly I couldn't. I almost did, but my husband seemed so hurt I couldn't do that to him.
I care for my husband but I dont love him. I know so, and Ive told him before but he wont let go. 

Now Im in a bind, do I stay with my husband even though I will be unsatisfied
or do we get divorced and find more suitable partners... I care for him so much I wish I could make this work

What do I do!!!???


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Divorce your husband for sure. He deserves better and in time, hopefully he will find better.

It's too late to feel bad. You cheated on him and fell in love with the man that was just supposed to be a sex toy. Well, you play with fire and you get burned. Live and learn that you need to end one relationship before beginning another. Your affair will probably not last, but maybe it will. Who knows. 

Please do the right thing and divorce to be free to find happiness for both of you elsewhere.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pretty easy. Divorce.

Btw, you did the cruelest thing imaginable to the guy who loved you enough to tell you to find a man who would satisfy you sexually.
Not many guys would have that kind of love.

Pretty sad.

But yeah, divorce. Easy one.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Divorce first ~ and then go get your jollies off with somebody else!*


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Your husband's offer for an open marriage should have been a red flag to divorce. It was not a genuine offer but rather a sh!t test that blew up in his face. It's no different than the person who threatens divorce during an argument to test their partner but then ends up angry and upset when their spouse agrees to go through with it. 

Assuming he was honest about his offer, open marriages still have very low success rates because people don't usually think all of the risks and consequences. It's not to say that they are uncommon, but couple's who contemplate non-monogamy first agree on 'rules' and boundaries before engaging any activity. It doesn't sound like you and your husband had any such discussion. 

I see your situation no differently than when a woman tells her husband to see a prostitute or get a girlfriend to get his rocks off. The offer is not made with any forethought to the risks and consequences. You are experiencing both. Imo, it doesn't make you a cheater, or an evil person. What it does make you is extremely gullible. You bought the lie and now you're both having to deal with it. Get divorced and move on to a better relationship with someone more compatible. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Allow me to interject some reason to your irrational mindset. Your OM is a professor, successful, has authored books and associates with the intelligentsia. What exactly do you bring to the table besides your vagina? Do you believe that you and the OM have enough commonality to sustain a long term relationship? Or do you see him tiring of your genitals and moving on. Consider this carefully. I do still suggest that you D your H and allow him to find someone who cares for him. Have at least that much decency.

By the way, your H cannot give you permission to break your oath of marriage, no more than he can make you honor it, only you can sully your integrity by having sex while married. Furthermore, do you believe that this intelligent professor would want to be in a long term relationship with someone who was actively cheating on their H? Would he not consider himself your next victim? And lastly, I would not be too concerned about how you will hurt your H's family because they "love" you so much. When they hear what you have done to their son that will resolve itself.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

lost89 said:


> So, this is what's going on.
> I met a guy online back in 2010 not a dating site just a webchat I used it to practice my English with native speakers. well, this one guy was very sweet to me and devoted his time to me, I eventually started to grow feelings for him and so did He.
> in 2011 he came (went) to visit me in my country, same in 2012, and in august 2012 I flew to USA by myself lived and worked as a babysitter and after a year we married. I came down south and married him, we were "happy" for a while, our sex life was decent though not great but bearable, I never felt a physical attraction to him, it was mostly a chore to me, I felt compelled to have sex with him, since he was so wonderful and caring, a good husband with flaws but I overlooked that and told myself that one day I would feel passion towards him, well... that never happened.
> 
> ...


I think you already know the answer to this.
Can't help but feel very bad for your husband but the reality is, attraction plays a big role in any relationship.


----------



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

I thought this was a support group... those are two very mean answers... thanks to everyone who gave a mature neutral answer. 
And, I am a lawyer myself so you figure what I could bring to the table. But yet again, like I said above Im aware that me and D will never have a real relationship most likely... 
im not that naive.


----------



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

it really does play a huge role.. and there is nothing I wish more in the world that feel that kind of attraction for my husband but I simply cannot. :/


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

You'll get crucified because many couples have been broken up because "you" came along and many here are hurting very badly. Don't take it personally. I don't think flaming makes much sense - though might make some feel a little better - but it doesn't really help the situation. It is what it is and try to make the transition as painless as possible for your husband as much as it is possible under these circumstances. 
It's a very long shot but: he might be relieved?? (That YOU, leaving HIM is on you). I don't know. But I don't really see it working out long term to be honest. If the sexual attraction isn't there, you will both be miserable. On the plus side, no kids so not too big a deal in the grand scheme of things.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> Your husband's offer for an open marriage should have been a red flag to divorce. It was not a genuine offer but rather a sh!t test that blew up in his face. It's no different than the person who threatens divorce during an argument to test their partner but then ends up angry and upset when their spouse agrees to go through with it.
> 
> Assuming he was honest about his offer, open marriages still have very low success rates because people don't usually think all of the risks and consequences. It's not to say that they are uncommon, but couple's who contemplate non-monogamy first agree on 'rules' and boundaries before engaging any activity. It doesn't sound like you and your husband had any such discussion.
> 
> ...


:iagree: your marriage is broken. You both should start over but get some help before you do. You guys set up patterns that made it doomed from the start. Whatever it is it's not working, for either of you. Time to clean the slate and move on.

Finally you came here for advice, that does not mean that people aren't going to say things that are painful to hear. Sounds like you were looking for reassurance. That is not the same thing, and honestly it is not helpful to you or your husband.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Oh for God's sakes.

So at 21 years old (a baby) you chose to move from your country to be with some 18 year old *college kid* who has a Dungeons and Dragons club he belongs to? :LMAO - that was your FIRST clue.

And you actually thought this boy was marriage material?

And even more sadly, you expected sex with this 18 year old nerdly kid to be good?

Let this kid go and get a divorce already. Talk about babies playing house.


----------



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

sokillme said:


> :iagree: your marriage is broken. You both should start over but get some help before you do. You guys set up patterns that made it doomed from the start. Whatever it is it's not working, for either of you. Time to clean the slate and move on.
> 
> Finally you came here for advice, that does not mean that people aren't going to say things that are painful to hear. Sounds like you were looking for reassurance. That is not the same thing, and honestly it is not helpful to you or your husband.


not really reassurance, but that guy up there making it seem like I'm nothing more than just a vagina....... 

Thanks for the advice everyone else,


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Oh for God's sakes.
> 
> So at 21 years old (a baby) you chose to move from your country to be with some 18 year old *college kid* who has a Dungeons and Dragons club he belongs to? :LMAO - that was your FIRST clue.
> 
> ...


Yeah and add to that I am sure skivvy professor dude is in it for the long hall too {sarcasm}. Not just having some commitment free sex with a 21 year old exotic foreign student. And this is the first time he has done this too, I'm sure {sarcasm x2)


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Finally you came here for advice, that does not mean that people aren't going to say things that are painful to hear. Sounds like you were looking for reassurance. That is not the same thing, and honestly it is not helpful to you or your husband.


If I read the OP correctly, she wasn't looking for reassurance, but rather, she is not sure whether to try and fight for her marriage or to let it go. This is a very difficult decision. My recommendation is to let it go.
Sexual attraction is not something you can "learn" or gain over the years; it's either there or it isn't.
As I said on another thread somewhere, sexual attraction plays a bigger role than many women might be comfortable admitting (in fear of appearing superficial?).
At least the OP is honest & admitting to herself what is actually happening.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lost89 said:


> So, this is what's going on.
> I met a guy online back in 2010 not a dating site just a webchat I used it to practice my English with native speakers. well, this one guy was very sweet to me and devoted his time to me, I eventually started to grow feelings for him and so did He.
> in 2011 he came (went) to visit me in my country, same in 2012, and in august 2012 I flew to USA by myself lived and worked as a babysitter and after a year we married. I came down south and married him, we were "happy" for a while, our sex life was decent though not great but bearable, I never felt a physical attraction to him, it was mostly a chore to me, I felt compelled to have sex with him, since he was so wonderful and caring, a good husband with flaws but I overlooked that and told myself that one day I would feel passion towards him, well... that never happened.
> 
> ...


I think you are being played. He is a professor without a PhD. Really? That's what he told you? :scratchhead:


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I think you are being played. He is a professor without a PhD. Really? That's what he told you? :scratchhead:


Not just any ol' professor, Matt, a professor at the BEST university in town!

OP, clearly the answer is divorce your husband I'm not sure what the actual question is.

I'm curious though, why did you move to the US in the first place? You didn't have feelings for your husband beyond friendship, no physical attraction. Why leave your home country which you yourself said you were fine there and had no reason to?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you are around 26 by now? Get a divorce. The chemistry isn't there. It's very odd that a 23 year old man is having ED issues. If the doctors can't find any reason, there is the possibility that he is a porn addict.

Any time your SO tells you that you can have sex with another, just know that is your cue to jump ship.


----------



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> If I read the OP correctly, she wasn't looking for reassurance, but rather, she is not sure whether to try and fight for her marriage or to let it go. This is a very difficult decision. My recommendation is to let it go.
> Sexual attraction is not something you can "learn" or gain over the years; it's either there or it isn't.
> As I said on another thread somewhere, sexual attraction plays a bigger role than many women might be comfortable admitting (in fear of appearing superficial?).
> At least the OP is honest & admitting to herself what is actually happening.


Someone who understands, Thanks InMyPrime.


----------



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

You can teach with a masters... and what does that matter? Im not here to questions this guys degree...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sorry to say, your marriage is dead. Your husband's ED problems and words contributed but your affair nailed the coffin shut. The good thing is divorce is a relatively easy so you can both move on to better things.


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

lost89 said:


> I care for him so much I wish I could make this work


You care so much but you do not love him, were never attracted to him, didn't like the sex with him and because he has ED in his twenties there is no sex now.
You resent him for having to support him.

It seems that it was just a bad decision of young (sexually) inexperienced people.

There is nothing that resembles a marriage or "just" a relationship, both of which need respect, trust, love, honesty, intimacy etc to work. Just BS from the start. End the charade.


----------



## lost89 (Jan 14, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you are around 26 by now? Get a divorce. The chemistry isn't there. It's very odd that a 23 year old man is having ED issues. If the doctors can't find any reason, there is the possibility that he is a porn addict.
> 
> Any time your SO tells you that you can have sex with another, just know that is your cue to jump ship.


Im 27, H is 24, and yeah it started when he was 23 extremely odd, He does watch a lot of porn which Ive told him but I dont know, he could also be gay and doesnt want to accept it. Its weird. I just feel terrible, but yeah we will get a divorce... There is no other way around this....


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

OP as someone who is a big proponent of higher education, I give you a tremendous amount of credit. English wasn't your native language, but yet you moved alone to the US in your early 20s, supported yourself as a babysitter, suppprted both yourself and your husband so he could finish his degree, all the while obtaining your degree and ultimately a JD, all by the time you hit 27.

Your story is amazing and should serve as an example of what can be accomplished with hard work and dedication.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lost89 said:


> You can teach with a masters... and what does that matter? Im not here to questions this guys degree...


You said he told you he was a professor. But clearly he would only be a lecturer.

And who might not even be a lecturer at all, just a player playing you really well.

I just don't want you to get hurt.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

What some might be missing is that the OP wrote clearly that she wasn't especially attracted to her husband when she met him, BEFORE she met anyone else. I fail to see the relevance of the "new guy" or his titles. If it wasn't him, it would be somebody else. Why does it matter?

(I also hold a professor title but only have a masters degree. But things might be different in the UK.)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If there's no attraction to begin with, it's obviously difficult to have a good sex life. Open marriages are tricky when they are one-sided. Let him go and move on.


----------

