# Feeling at Fault over Breakup



## LostinUS (Jul 28, 2012)

Hello everyone. I had posted the following in the men's clubhouse a week or so ago. I realize that its probably more appropriate here since both my ex gf and I are divorced. I am still grieving the loss and I'm beating myself up on what i could have done differently. We are still NC and it pains me that I feel responsible. Mainly because she told me so as we were breaking up. That we had amazing things and I was throwing it away. This, despite her finally ending it mutually. Anyways, below is my story and it would mean a lot if you could help? Thank you

.... I've been dating this woman for about 2 1/2 years. We were both divorced, but where I was 2 years post D-day, she was in the middle of divorce proceedings when we started dating. In hindsight, I wish I had waited, but that's not why I'm here. 

Most of the first year or so, things were great. We started talking about moving in together after about a year and a half and then I suddenly want to put the breaks on. She became upset and we ended up separating for a few weeks. We got back together because I wanted to try it again.

However, during the last year, things have gotten much worse. I have spent some additional time with my children and with my family. Not much, maybe an increase of an extra weekend day a month and just one time with my family. And this truly upset her, despite me reaching out to invite her to be with us. 

In her eyes, she wanted to be the #1 priority and said that my children (and sometimes my family) were the priority to me. I felt she was only looking at it from a negative perspective because we spent a good amount of time together. I felt that depending on the situations, priority may change. This resulted in confrontational and reactionary situations from her. I would do my best to listen and offer my perspective on the situation. This was a step up for me because the "old-me" would usually shut down or quickly leave/breakup with old/past girlfriends. But despite sticking around, it wore on me and it started to develop some resentment. I need someone who understands when sometimes, every once in a while I would like to spend some time with my children or my family.

I forgot to mention her father divorced her mom when she was very young, and was not in the picture very much until recently. And that her ex-husband turned into an alcoholic and would leave for days or sometimes weeks.
She puts much of the blame on me and when later, when I defend my actions about my family or kids, she states I should be a better communicator or find unique ways to still include her.

Some other examples:
1. Spent the week with my mom who was recovering from knee replacement. Was disappointed my sisters couldn't help (despite having plans out of town) so she and I can have more time together.

2. Went to visit my friend from college who lives 2 hrs away for the weekend ( go up Sat, come back Sun). And this is the ONLY time I went to spend time with a friend, sad I know! Anyways, she was upset that I didn't come back right away the next morning because I went to go have brunch with him and his wife. All the while, my gf had a girls night out that night downtown and rented a hotel which I was cool with.

3. I tell her my daughter and I decided to get a dog. She immediately gets upset and tells me to tell my daughter no. That we'll have to wait and decide together.

I think one of the difficulties is that I am very laid back by nature, where my gf isn't most of the time. She is fine with confrontations, I am not. And no offense to any Italian New Yorkers, but that is who she is. So it's almost in her genes. I grew up in the South.

I do my best and initiated nearly 100% of the time that I love her and would text her good morning and call her to talk about our day and say good night, every night.

But it still wasn't enough, even with couples counseling. I know the elephant in the room for us was that I did not move in a year ago and that now time had run out on me.

She told me moving in and getting married would have fixed much of these arguments. I believed that these issues, including her insecurities had to be addressed and "fixed" BEFORE I moved in with my kids and get married. And I understand that my communications can use improvement. She is very plans oriented, where I used to be more spontaneous. 

Over the last year, much of this started to change me into the person she wanted me to be, but I became unhappy due to it.

What do you guys think? Is it mostly my fault?? What should I learn from this and grow to be a better man?

Thank you


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Contrary to popular, misguided belief, communication problems don't fix themselves through marriage, pregnancy, moving in together, or any "adult" events. They fix themselves through the act of diplomatic communication, which occurs whether you're living together or not. 

Honestly, you two have different styles and priorities. You decided that her priorities weren't yours, so you did what you did. That's pretty reasonable to me. 

You can't have your cake and eat it, too, so either you're compatible or you're not. You mesh or you don't. You agree on adult decisions or you don't. Sounds like classic incompatibility, including temperament.

No woman (with a plan) wants to wait for what she sees as the natural progression of a relationship. Time is usually against us, in a lot of ways, so we tend to be pretty decisive when we want to be.

We don't like to miss the boat because of a partner. We'd rather strand you and sail to better waters alone. Cruel, but true, at least in my case.


----------



## karireynolds (Aug 28, 2017)

Satya, I like the quote you have mention below of the reply of Abraham Maslow.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Since you asked, what you really need to learn is just a couple of easy lessons. The first is be true to yourself and never apologize for who you are or try to change yourself for someone else. So, if your kids are your priority then just own it and be upfront about it. That's the only way a partner will know the real you and be able to decide if you two are compatible. The second lesson is stop initiating 100% of the time because it makes you look needy and insecure, which aren't attractive features. Instead give the woman time and space to initiate contact with you, which she'll do when she's ready if she really likes you. A good target is 75% initiation by her and 25% by you.


----------

