# How do you help your SO get past their resentment?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Instead of hijacking another thread, I'd like to pose a question and really would like to hear some constructive ideas/advice.

How do you help your SO get past their resentment?

My husband feels resentment for me as he feels I denied him sexually in the past (surprise - I don't feel the same way) and that now he's not in the mood to support me sexually just because I "now" want him (his words).

While I don't agree with his statements, I can't make him not feel them because that's his perception.

So how do I change the resentment and turn it around so we can get back to things and get on with our lives?

Putting EVERYTHING else aside that I may have posted about our marriage - that's not the purpose of this question.

I want to know what "I" can do to help him set that resentment aside - I've tried all kinds of things between backing off, being positive towards him as my husband and a man, stopping all criticizing of any nature and expressing, in a kind adult-to-adult way my need for that intimacy between us in order to feel bonded to him.

Nothing has worked - it's like I haven't chipped away at that wall at all. While day-to-day, we're getting along great and haven't had a disagreement in weeks, I'm still getting the good night kiss and rolling over to go to sleep. I've done the 180 in my behavior towards him for more than a month now and nothing has changed.

What am I doing that is not working or what else could I try?

Doesn't matter what he is/is not doing - what he's done in the past, etc., I want to know what I can do to turn this around.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> How do you help your SO get past their resentment?.



I'm not sure. I would think you can't, it would have to be up to them. You can TRY and help them all day long by doing this and that, or saying this or that, but in the end they will have to decide if they want to get past it or if they can etc. 

You can work on getting past yours (if you have any), he will need to work on getting past his.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Someone who feels they have been wronged needs to be made whole. Whether or not this feeling is justified is not relevant.

My first suggestion is to find out in the most detailed fashion possible exactly what your husband remembers you doing that caused him to be hurt. Again, whether or not you actually did this is not relevant. Include the time, place, situation, every single detail.

With the exact description of the offending act(s) in hand, pick a quiet time like right before that kiss, describe back to him what (he thinks) you did, and sincerely apologize for what you did. Say you wish it didn't happen. Say it was a mistake and you never want it to do anything like that again. Say if you could do everything over again, you never would have done this. ....

Resentful people are like pin cushions with a zillion little pins sticking in them. Each time you make the specific apology, you remove one of the pins. Eventually you can get them all.

Make sure your apology is sincere and unconditional. Do not in any way imply he had any part in what happened (even if he caused it). Empathize with him saying you understand why he feels hurt and you would feel that way also if you were him. 

This is a valiant effort. Good luck!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Oi, I just posted my response in the other thread 

In any case, I don't have definitive answers, since I'm in the process and the spouse really has to take this up with them self, eventually, but my approach has been attempting to validate that my actions are about *him* and not myself anymore.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would think all you can do is be there for him, which I truly believe you have been there for him the whole way. 

However, I also think you have put alot of time, energy and effort into this relationship with him to make things work etc, which is a good thing, BUT, when it comes to certain things, you really can't "help" him. He will need to do this, assuming he wants to. Some people, believe it or not do not want to get past their resentments. It makes them feel safe for some odd reason, and gives them something to hide behind, so they want have to "work" at making things right.

I know it sounds strange but there is some truth to that. The bad thing about not wanting to get past the resentment is, it will always keep them locked to where they are now without moving forward. For some people, moving forward and letting go of certain things, is scary, and its a chance they might be afraid to take.

Also I'm not saying your husband is one of these people who doesn't want to get past things, but I'm saying there are people like that.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would also like to hear some comments on this. 

I think all you can do is give it time, talk about it (MC or otherwise- however this hasn't done much for me), and be a good spouse otherwise. 

Its frustrating to be committed and do the work you need to and have to wait for the other person. 

What your husband is doing is childish. Burning you because you burned him. Sex, money, and time are all places where power struggles and tit-for-tat gets ugly.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Someone who feels they have been wronged needs to be made whole. Whether or not this feeling is justified is not relevant.
> 
> My first suggestion is to find out in the most detailed fashion possible exactly what your husband remembers you doing that caused him to be hurt. Again, whether or not you actually did this is not relevant. Include the time, place, situation, every single detail.
> 
> ...


Apologies have been done. I have sincerely apologized for things I didn't even do - just to effect change - I don't mind being the first to step forward.

It's like he can't forget or won't.

Does it just take time?

I've never really held any real resentment towards anyone. I'm the type that is mad and glad again all in the same 5 minutes.

He's not.

So I guess I continue with what I'm doing and wait for him to thaw out?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

anx said:


> I would also like to hear some comments on this.
> 
> I think all you can do is give it time, talk about it (MC or otherwise- however this hasn't done much for me), and be a good spouse otherwise.
> 
> ...


Yep - but it happens everyday.

I just want to know what "I" can do to help move the change along.

It's no longer a tit-for-tat for me - I'm tired of all that crap - I just want to move on.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

anx said:


> What your husband is doing is childish. Burning you because you burned him. Sex, money, and time are all places where power struggles and tit-for-tat gets ugly.


I'm not so sure it's childish as it's just human behavior. We're selfish creatures, we have to train ourselves to be otherwise.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I would think all you can do is be there for him, which I truly believe you have been there for him the whole way.
> 
> However, I also think you have put alot of time, energy and effort into this relationship with him to make things work etc, which is a good thing, BUT, when it comes to certain things, you really can't "help" him. He will need to do this, assuming he wants to. Some people, believe it or not do not want to get past their resentments. It makes them feel safe for some odd reason, and gives them something to hide behind, so they want have to "work" at making things right.
> 
> ...


He DOES hold onto resentments, but I've also seen him put them down. But sometimes it takes a while and I don't know how long I should wait or what I'm waiting for.

I know I want to just be like Bewitched and wiggle my nose and make it all okay - I wish I could - for just one day.

So I guess patience is the key. I'm being patient, I just wish I had a definite - hey this will be good date. I tend to function better that way - with some type of timeline.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's like he can't forget or won't.


This could be it right here...

And if thats the case, he will not be able to move forward. 

However...

Maybe its more about forgiveness than about trying to forget. Maybe he needs to forgive himself for what he has done over the years, and forgive you too, etc.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Make it clear to him he is making a choice to hold on to this.

He can chose to move past this and continue the marriage or hold onto bitter resentment, anger, caloused heart, and watch resentment grow in you. 

Holding onto this is a choice, whether he believes it or not. We HAVE to forgive in a marriage or it dies. Little stuff and big stuff.

Yes, it hurts, and thats legitimate, but what you DO with the hurt is the key. Do you let it ruin the future or do you work hard to get past it.

He is choosing to not forgive.


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## Blue Skye (Apr 22, 2011)

My opinion is that is takes time and total consistency on your part. If part of his resentment is behavior that you have now changed, consistently behaving in that manner from here on out may be the only way he would be able to accept it.

It becomes a decision on HIS part to let go of the resentment, but it becomes a decision on YOUR part to enforce your consistent behavior from here on out. To me it's the same as if you were trying to build (or rebuild) someone's trust.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

anx said:


> Make it clear to him he is making a choice to hold on to this.
> 
> He can chose to move past this and continue the marriage or hold onto bitter resentment, anger, caloused heart, and watch resentment grow in you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And I've said that very thing to him.

It's something we're working on with help from our MC. It's just going to take time I guess.

It's just so frustrating - I may be old - but I'm that I want it NOW type of person also.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

anx said:


> Make it clear to him he is making a choice to hold on to this.
> 
> He can chose to move past this and continue the marriage or hold onto bitter resentment, anger, caloused heart, and watch resentment grow in you.
> 
> ...


Excellent insight, anx 

There are things she can do to make it clear that she is regretful of the mistakes of the past and is willing to change, but beyond that, it's up to him.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Its up to him.

You have done alot of things, especially when people have suggested things for you to do and try, it seems you have already done it. So its up to him. 

He may be able to one day, and then again he may never be able to (or want to). 

But since you are one to hold out for hope and it seems you have for a very long time, then you're right, you will probably have to wait to see, and no one knows when that might be.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You are in a classic power struggle. It's just his way of staying in control. And honestly it's working. You've read my posts so you know some of what I've been doing but here is something else I haven't mentioned. 

I've been doing so much FOR him but respectfully asking first. "Can I give you a back rub?" "Can I give you a massage?" "I'd love to sit next to you and hold your hand?" But the key to all this is I meant NONE of this to be a sexual advance. None of it. To make sure I was able to pull that off yes I took care of myself physically before he got home. I took sex off my mind and off the table and have been focusing on meeting his needs without trying to get more sex. Ironically I'm getting more sex. 

Or he could just be someone who holds onto resentment and the only thing to do is to be patient. Who knows.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Apologies have been done. I have sincerely apologized for things I didn't even do - just to effect change - I don't mind being the first to step forward.
> 
> It's like he can't forget or won't.
> 
> ...


Something is still bugging him and the trick is to get him to explain it to you in detail so you can apologize for it in detail. It doesn't matter whether you did it or not but it matters a lot that he believes you are sincere in you contrition.

No reasonable person can withstand a heartfelt apology from someone they trust and respect. You can leverage other parts of you marriage for this. Once you have his attention, if you can make him believe you are sincerely sorry his resentment will disappear. This is the key. Leaving him to work things out on his own not a good strategy in my humble opinion


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> You are in a classic power struggle. It's just his way of staying in control. And honestly it's working. You've read my posts so you know some of what I've been doing but here is something else I haven't mentioned.
> 
> I've been doing so much FOR him but respectfully asking first. "Can I give you a back rub?" "Can I give you a massage?" "I'd love to sit next to you and hold your hand?" But the key to all this is I meant NONE of this to be a sexual advance. None of it. To make sure I was able to pull that off yes I took care of myself physically before he got home. I took sex off my mind and off the table and have been focusing on meeting his needs without trying to get more sex. My vibe changes I think so he can tell when I want it and when I don't. Ironically I'm getting more sex. See with power struggles I think the more one spouse wants something the more the other fights to keep it from them.
> 
> Or he could just be someone who holds onto resentment and the only thing to do is to be patient. Who knows.


A power struggle is a good analogy...so long as one spouse resents the other, he/she can hold it over the others' head.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I've been doing so much FOR him but respectfully asking first. "Can I give you a back rub?" "Can I give you a massage?" "I'd love to sit next to you and hold your hand?" But the key to all this is I meant NONE of this to be a sexual advance. None of it.


This is pretty smart. I can learn from this myself


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> You are in a classic power struggle. It's just his way of staying in control. And honestly it's working. You've read my posts so you know some of what I've been doing but here is something else I haven't mentioned.
> 
> I've been doing so much FOR him but respectfully asking first. "Can I give you a back rub?" "Can I give you a massage?" "I'd love to sit next to you and hold your hand?" But the key to all this is I meant NONE of this to be a sexual advance. None of it. To make sure I was able to pull that off yes I took care of myself physically before he got home. I took sex off my mind and off the table and have been focusing on meeting his needs without trying to get more sex. Ironically I'm getting more sex.
> 
> Or he could just be someone who holds onto resentment and the only thing to do is to be patient. Who knows.


And that's EXACTLY what I have been doing - for more than a month.

I ask first for any touch, then make sure that he knows it's non-sexual and I make no sexual advances.

And it's been very difficult for me to hold back - but I am doing it.

Especially when I know he's still viewing porn (not like he used to, but he's still viewing it). That makes it so much harder for me, but I've been trying to push that into the back of my mind also. It just hurts that he is still thinking of sex, just not with me right now.

But I'm hanging in there.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Something is still bugging him and the trick is to get him to explain it to you in detail so you can apologize for it in detail. It doesn't matter whether you did it or not but it matters a lot that he believes you are sincere in you contrition.
> 
> No reasonable person can withstand a heartfelt apology from someone they trust and respect. You can leverage other parts of you marriage for this. Once you have his attention, if you can make him believe you are sincerely sorry his resentment will disappear. This is the key. Leaving him to work things out on his own not a good strategy in my humble opinion


Good point.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

"My husband feels resentment for me as he feels I denied him sexually in the past (surprise - I don't feel the same way)"

How does he feel you denied him sexually? He sees that you have, but you feel that you haven't? So has he told you in what way you denied him?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Once you have his attention, if you can make him believe you are sincerely sorry his resentment will disappear. This is the key. Leaving him to work things out on his own not a good strategy in my humble opinion


Mmmm...not sure an honest, heart-felt apology will make resentment disappear(_if that's what you were talking about_). For me, at least, it was the apology and then a lot of consistent actions on my part that have helped my spouse begin to get past the resentment. We're still working on it, btw, I don't think you stop resenting someone overnight, I feel like it's a process.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

trey69 said:


> "My husband feels resentment for me as he feels I denied him sexually in the past (surprise - I don't feel the same way)"
> 
> How does he feel you denied him sexually? He sees that you have, but you feel that you haven't? So has he told you in what way you denied him?


When we started struggling with our sex life, I asked him exactly what the issue was - was I not attractive anymore, had a I aged out and gotten too old for him, was I not adventurous enough, what?

And this is what he said:

"You denied me sexually when I needed you and know you've decided you want me - well, I'm now old, have medical issues and I don't need it from you now."

I then inquired further and he said that he held a great resentment for what he perceived as my denial of him so now the shoe was on the other foot.

I then asked him how long he was going to "punish" me - as this is how I perceive it - and he said, I don't know as long as I want to - I don't know.

This conversation occurred late last year when he finally admitted what his problem was with constantly rejecting me.

He now adds to it that things don't work right and he has a further reason to distance himself. He also recently admitted to his counselor that he held resentment (same reason) and that also things didn't work right and that his sex drive had dropped. He explained to his counselor that that was the reason he was on porn, that he was trying to revive things.

What he is actually referring to is: my husband had a severe TBI in 2008, well he also had a stroke in 1998. After the stroke, he started experiencing ED issues and it took a hit on our sex life for a time. I initiated, he rejected - but at that time he wouldn't tell me why or discuss it. After a time of rejection, I gave up - I couldn't take it self-esteem wise. So I stopped initiating and when I stopped, he stopped. That is what he is referring to - but he has forgotten (either conveniently or because of post-stroke issues) that the situation was him rejecting me not vice versa. 

But HE perceives it the other way around (and maybe he really does, there were memory issues with the stroke). I can't convince him otherwise and have stopped trying. So I apologized for his perceived rejection (I didn't say it that way) and asked what I could do to make things right. His response - nothing - I have to get over this and I don't know when I will. His TBI doesn't help matters any as his personality, memory, cognition and perception have changed.

But, our MC is trying to help me help us. Hopefully, with time, that will work.

But my husband is an extremely sexual being. It's obvious in things he says, etc., but something is holding him back. The only think I can go off of is the resentment that he expressed.

So I've backed off sexually - way off and it had the expected outcome - nothing is happening, but I'm taking care of myself and trying to help work it out.

Hence the reason I asked for any inputs in case there is something I haven't thought of or tried.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And that's EXACTLY what I have been doing - for more than a month.
> 
> I ask first for any touch, then make sure that he knows it's non-sexual and I make no sexual advances.
> 
> ...


Is your attitude the same as what you show here? Are you happy with no sex? Can you let it go? Remember power struggles are about him holding something you want over your head so quit wanting it. Watch yourself some porn/read a romance novel and masturbate daily, twice if you need to but take sex with him off the table. Just let it go. Pretend this is the way your life is going to be forever (I know you won't leave him) and go from there because you sure can't change him beyond what you are already doing. He has porn and I'm thinking it's time for you to get a vibrator.

He wants a power struggle then let him win.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is pretty smart. I can learn from this myself


Thank you but I can't take credit for this one. Got this tip from my best friend who complains she doesn't get enough NON sexual touching from her dh. She wants to be touched and cuddled without him expecting sex and I thought hmmmmm I'll have to try that and it's worked pretty well. I've turned from the taker to the giver. It's been fun actually.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Is your attitude the same as what you show here? Are you happy with no sex? Can you let it go? Remember power struggles are about him holding something you want over your head so quit wanting it. Watch yourself some porn/read a romance novel and masturbate daily, twice if you need to but take sex with him off the table. Just let it go. Pretend this is the way your life is going to be forever (I know you won't leave him) and go from there because you sure can't change him beyond what you are already doing. He has porn and I'm thinking it's time for you to get a vibrator.
> 
> He wants a power struggle then let him win.


I have "several" vibrators.

And that's what I'm try to do - take it OFF the table for me and let him make the change.

Now can I wait forever - no - and he knows that - but, with all the issues, I'm trying to be patient - for how long - I haven't decided that yet.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Now can I wait forever - no - and he knows that -


And this is where he's got you. Convince him otherwise. 

Come on I should get an academy award for *some* of my performance over the past few weeks with my own dh surely you can convince yours that your vibrator is just fabulous and you are just peachy keen with the status quo. Let him win the power struggle and then it won't be one but you have to convince him you mean it.

Edited to add I'm sincere about changing and my role in the problem but I've had to fake my way through some of it. Its just not my nature to bend and be wrong.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wish I had a solid answer for you MWIL. The only thing I could do to alleviate any of the resentments he had was done in steps. Step 1 was to ask what the resentment was. Step 2 was to ask for a couple of instances where what I said or did made him feel poorly. Step 3 was to affirm to him that I realized action X made him feel crappy and he understood it to mean that I didn't care about him and his needs. Step 4 was to apologize and show him how I understood why he felt that way. After that he just seemed to relax and be more enjoyable. We had the sex issue as well ( no TBI though) and now are probably back up to 3X a week. But the crappy thing was that it literally took about 9 months for him to explain his resentments to me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> And this is where he's got you. Convince him otherwise.
> 
> Come on I should get an academy award for *some* of my performance over the past few weeks with my own dh surely you can convince yours that your vibrator is just fabulous and you are just peachy keen with the status quo. Let him win the power struggle and then it won't be one but you have to convince him you mean it.
> 
> Edited to add I'm sincere about changing and my role in the problem but I've had to fake my way through some of it. Its just not my nature to bend and be wrong.


He thinks I've been patient (he's said so), because he thinks that I think I can't get another man with my stomach issue. 

And he's partially right - even though I didn't tell him so.

But - the stomach issue is going away soon due to the tummy tuck I was approved for. I just wonder how MUCH things will change when my body looks like it did when I was a teenager - I wonder if he will feel threatened then.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he is hanging on to the resentment--and it seems he is--he must be getting something out of it.

Is it possible he is denying you so that he does not fail you? I would think that anyone in his position would have a very deep fear of now being inadequate, which might well extend to their ability to be a good sexual partner. 

Maybe you've discussed this, but I'm throwing it out there just in case you haven't.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> If he is hanging on to the resentment--and it seems he is--he must be getting something out of it.
> 
> Is it possible he is denying you so that he does not fail you? I would think that anyone in his position would have a very deep fear of now being inadequate, which might well extend to their ability to be a good sexual partner.
> 
> Maybe you've discussed this, but I'm throwing it out there just in case you haven't.


Oh I'm sure that's part of it.

Whenever anything sexual is started - the first words out of his mouth are - I told you it didn't work.

Well, it does - just not 100% of the time.

And once he made the comment that he didn't want to be a failure twice in one day (referring to something else), and then referring to being sexual.

So YES - it's a BIG issue for him, one he is struggling to work out on his own - I know this, he's said it.

But HOW LONG does that take?

I'm not a man so I can't understand how his "maleness" is wrapped up in that one little thing. So I can't also understand why you can't just "work around it".

But, according to him and his counselor - it's just not that simple.

But is the alternative?

That being me leaving eventually because I can't take it anymore.

Wouldn't trying to work it out and get past it be worth it?

I already know he doesn't want me to leave - he's said so. And he has no one else - his mother and father both died in the last three months and he has one brother that he is close to - the rest of the family is estranged.

He's already said he has no one else and no where else to go.

I would think that would be motivation enough to work it out.

And maybe he is, in his own way that I cannot begin to understand.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He thinks I've been patient (he's said so), because he thinks that I think I can't get another man with my stomach issue.
> 
> And he's partially right - even though I didn't tell him so.
> 
> But - the stomach issue is going away soon due to the tummy tuck I was approved for. I just wonder how MUCH things will change when my body looks like it did when I was a teenager - I wonder if he will feel threatened then.


Fabulous! How soon will this be done? But you know the tummy tuck is for you not for him right? It should give you the self confidence to know you CAN get another man if he continues to act so childish.

I still think your dh is kind of a jerk but kudos for doing all that to try to fix this.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Fabulous! How soon will this be done? But you know the tummy tuck is for you not for him right? It should give you the self confidence to know you CAN get another man if he continues to act so childish.
> 
> I still think your dh is kind of a jerk but kudos for doing all that to try to fix this.


Sometime this summer, I'm waiting on a final surgery date.

You damn right it's for me. But it definitely will affect the way he "views" my body - it's going to be a huge change.

He is a jerk - but I picked him and he's my jerk. But part of his "jerkiness" if that's a word is due to the first stroke and the TBI - he wasn't this much of a jerk before, things have changed a lot. And a lot of it not due to anything he did to himself.

A good example would be:

Before the TBI, he would be upset if I cried - he would hug me, tell me he loves me and that it would be okay and he was sorry if it was something he did.

Post-TBI, his affect has been changed tremendously and my crying doesn't affect him at all. He doesn't react, no hugs, no I'm sorry - etc. His emotional affect is flat, it's just not there.

That has a lot to do with how he behaves and how he acts towards me - they have to have an affect for things to bother them and his was tremendously affected by the TBI.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Along with the TBI very much changing his personality, ED is really going to sap whats left. 

While separated, I was having a hard time performing though all the stress and sadness. It compounds it so much to not feel like you can do something simple like enjoy being physical with your wife. 

Despite having enormous drive, I wasn't at all looking forward to having ED issues. 

If my drive was lower, plus a TBI, and ED all at the same time, I would probably avoid sex. I really wonder how much of him holding onto resentment is the TBI.

Best of luck.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I'm not a man so I can't understand how his "maleness" is wrapped up in that one little thing. So I can't also understand why you can't just "work around it".


From what I've heard from my own dh it's HUGE!! He had "issues" that simply came from taking Zrytec. Couldn't get it up on days he took it. Luckily he figured it out and quit taking it but that was a year ago and he's still traumatized over it. He feared that was the beginning of an ED and it still haunts him. He brought it up AGAIN last night. WTH?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

anx said:


> If my drive was lower, plus a TBI, and ED all at the same time, I would probably avoid sex. I really wonder how much of him holding onto resentment is the TBI.


This makes the most sense out of everything I've read on this thread.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> From what I've heard from my own dh it's HUGE!! He had "issues" that simply came from taking Zrytec. Couldn't get it up on days he took it. Luckily he figured it out and quit taking it but that was a year ago and he's still traumatized over it. He feared that was the beginning of an ED and it still haunts him. He brought it up AGAIN last night. WTH?


It's a very primitive type of situation from a neurological standpoint.

For the bread to rise, you have to be relaxed.

For the thrill you seek, the body must transition from the "resting" nervous system to the "fight or flight" system.

You know how cellphone calls tend to drop?

All it takes is a nervous thought.. telephone ringing, etc. and one can lose his momentum very quickly.

Once you start over-thinking it? Look out below.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Some of it may be his medical issues and there are some I think he might can control. Wondering which parts he can and can't control would be the thing I guess. Surely every single thing he does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say can't be coming from his medical issue(s). And if it pretty much all were to stem from the medical issues alone, then her answer as to when he will come around on some stuff and how long should she wait, would probably be he will never come around on stuff and she will need to wait forever, if it were all coming from all of his medical issues.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> Some of it may be his medical issues and there are some I think he might can control. Wondering which parts he can and can't control would be the thing I guess. Surely every single thing he does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say can't be coming from his medical issue(s). And if it pretty much all were to stem from the medical issues alone, then her answer as to when he will come around on some stuff and how long should she wait, would probably be he will never come around on stuff and she will need to wait forever, if it were all coming from all of his medical issues.


EVERYTHING is not related to medical issues - but because there are so many of them, it's hard to pick and choose what is being aggravated by the medical condition(s), cognitive issues, etc., and what is not.

I was actually advised by my counselor to quit picking and choosing what was related to what and deal with it all under one umbrella - that has made it easier for me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It's a very primitive type of situation from a neurological standpoint.
> 
> For the bread to rise, you have to be relaxed.
> 
> ...


Yep and I think part of it is psychological - if you think it's not going to work - then guess what - it probably won't.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> This makes the most sense out of everything I've read on this thread.


Yes it does.

He just has SO MUCH wrong with him, it's overwhelming for me to deal with it all. Things change from day to day - what was good yesterday is not today and vice versa.

I was thinking this weekend that he has so many issues, it must be quite frustrating and aggravating for his world to be turned upside down as much as it was.

Just to give a hint, this is what he (and me indirectly) are dealing with.

PTSD
Fibromyalgia
Raynauds' Phenomenon
Vision Issues
Ataxia
Dysphasia
Memory Issues
High blood pressure
Arthrities in both feet/ankles
Gout
Sleep disorder
Cognitive issues
Seizures
Depression

These are diagnosed, proven conditions for which he is treated for regularly and is getting VA disability for.

He is on 15 daily medications to include a blood thinner and a double dose of Paxil to deal with the depression and two memory enhancer drugs they give for Alhzheimer patients.

He spends two days per week in physical therapy, two days per week in speech/cognitive therapy, one day in a PTSD support group, another in a stress management group and another in an anger management group.

Writing it down like this and looking at it - no wonder the man has issues - seeing it in writing really puts a different spin on things.

Guess I can now guess why SEX may not be at the top of his list or why he might be having issues.

And all this on a 49 year old man that the doctors say has the body of an 80+ year old.

Guess I do just need to be patient and be thankful that he's still alive!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

There should be a way to still have sex in there especially if he is watching porn (i think you said that). Or at least a path towards that. I totally agree that patience is probably what you need, but its hard when your sexually frustrated.

Have you tried sending him heartfelt letters. During my last major hurdle, I sent my wife cards and would leave them on her chair as I left. A lot of the time "discussing" things with my wife does not good. The only progress I've made is from writing and giving her a few hours to process it or simply saying something like "I would like to find a way to have more sex" and then talking about it the next day.

This may be especially true with all that your husband is going through. Write him a letter telling him you understand what he is going through and that you are giving as much support as you can. Tell him you would like to find a way to have more sex, and to not make it an argument. Show him love through what he likes (food made, cleaning, or whatever)

I think I gave her 1-2 cards a week, and it did 100x more than talking to her actually could ever have done. Also, I avoided any "discussions" and instead would say how I feel (1-2 very well chosen sentences) and then go to the gym/shop/ give her space for several hours and talk about it (again not discuss but only a few short sentances) when I got back or the a few days later when she had time to think.

This worked wonders to move past my wifes resentment. Its too much and overwhelming to talk about it, so that at least gives a chance to show you care and talk about it without talking about it. This is especially true with a TBI. He is going to need hours to process it. Also, when he is feeling hurt and overwhelmed, its by himself with time to move from that back towards you instead of being push away by an argument/discussion.

I think my wife moved past a majority of her resentment over the past few weeks, and I think I was given some easter forgiveness.

Best of luck.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

anx said:


> There should be a way to still have sex in there especially if he is watching porn (i think you said that). Or at least a path towards that. I totally agree that patience is probably what you need, but its hard when your sexually frustrated.
> 
> Have you tried sending him heartfelt letters. During my last major hurdle, I sent my wife cards and would leave them on her chair as I left. A lot of the time "discussing" things with my wife does not good. The only progress I've made is from writing and giving her a few hours to process it or simply saying something like "I would like to find a way to have more sex" and then talking about it the next day.
> 
> ...


Thanks - good idea - I'll try that.

Friday I approached him after a few remarks by him thinking it might be a good time.

He did not reject me in as much as said, I wished you would have given me a clue earlier, I'm really tired now.

I gently responded - well, dear, it appears that I don't pick good times, I never know what a good time is, it would help me if you could give me a signal or clues.

He said nothing and I continued - I'm not trying to upset you, but it gets very confusing for me and therefore I have backed off because I didn't want to pressure you and I didn't want to feel rejected.

He then responded - you're right, I am confusing, not only to you but myself a lot.

He was then sick for the majority of the weekend so nothing happened.

But he did pat me frequently, hug me and tell me he loved me.

I did notice that he didn't visit any porn for the last 4 days.

So maybe I need to look out for the porn, and if I see he's on porn, then maybe that's a good time (at least he's thinking about it).

I just know that if we could get any semblance of a sex life going again I would be a lot less frustrated and lot happier - just anything.

I'm stubborn though and I'll continue as best I can.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> He then responded - you're right, I am confusing, not only to you but myself a lot.


 Especially because he said this, I highly suggest letters/short statements. He needs hours to process it and miles of space.

I also 100% agree that sex makes it so much easier to be nice and friendly and loving. I really have a hard time controlling anger or hurt when I'm deprived.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> EVERYTHING is not related to medical issues - but because there are so many of them, it's hard to pick and choose what is being aggravated by the medical condition(s), cognitive issues, etc., and what is not.
> 
> I was actually advised by my counselor to quit picking and choosing what was related to what and deal with it all under one umbrella - that has made it easier for me.



Thats good, then that says there are probably some things in which he can control, now whether he chooses to or not, is a different story. And yes, its hard to know exactly I'm sure, what it is he can and can't control, however I would think me might would know.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Instead of hijacking another thread, I'd like to pose a question and really would like to hear some constructive ideas/advice.
> 
> How do you help your SO get past their resentment?
> 
> ...


I’ve come to think this way about resentment.

People are resentful because they get something out of being resentful. They get something out of feeling strong dislike and anger (resentment) against the person they’re living with.

But what do they get out of their resentment about something that happened in the past, ten or15 years ago? I think there are two categories of “things”.

First off they can be “lazy”. When for example asked to “work on the marriage” they can say to themselves “No. He/she did this or that ten years ago, why should I bother now”.

Secondly it gives them all types of excuses for “bad behaviour”. Flirting with another man or woman, “It’s because of what you did (could be anything unrelated) 20 years ago” etc.



I honestly think a person’s resentment becomes a part of who they are, as much as an arm, a leg or their face. The resentment is part, a very deep part, of their self-identity. So profound is this that if they were to “lose their resentment” they wouldn’t have a clue who they were looking at in the mirror, that is metaphorically speaking they wouldn’t recognise their own face and would have a crisis of identity.

So. I don’t actually believe you CAN help a person to lose their resentment especially so if you are the person they are resentful against.



It is totally different if the resentful person has troubles all around them and is doing some introspection and soul searching and during that time has an Epiphany Moment. It’s when they realise that they too created their world around them, that they too got things wrong and sometimes in life sh!te happens even to the well intentioned.

This is when the resentful person can be helped. And that help begins by teaching them what true forgiveness is all about.

But. It is the deeply resentful person who says “I’ll Never Ever Forgive You”. And if you hear your spouse say that the very best thing you can do is BELIEVE them. Then ACCEPT your knew belief.

And then ask yourself “Can I live with a person who strongly dislikes me and harbours passive anger against me”.

Bob


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I agree with alot of what AFEH has said. 

Resentment is a killer in relationships. I think its something that people can learn to let go off, if they want to. I think with your husband a big part of his issues other than medical, is that part of how he feels is a choice. It doesn't really matter what part it is, there are some things he is choosing to hold onto. Be it for control or whatever reason(s).


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jamison said:


> I agree with alot of what AFEH has said.
> 
> Resentment is a killer in relationships. I think its something that people can learn to let go off, if they want to. I think with your husband a big part of his issues other than medical, is that part of how he feels is a choice. It doesn't really matter what part it is, there are some things he is choosing to hold onto. Be it for control or whatever reason(s).


True, but like anx said - how much of holding onto that resentment is as a result of his TBI.

He has a lot to hold onto - that TBI screwed up his life and my life as we knew it.

Now, the issues are trying to deal with it and it has been difficult at best.


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## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

Sorry to dig up an old thread! I just found this sight, searching for ways to avoid and eliminate resentment, and this is the thread that popped up.

My thoughts (as a guy):
#1 The husband NEEDS to feel as though you understand his issue with being denied. The OP's first post reads "I don't feel the same way, surprise," and that's extremely telling as to why the husband doesn't want to let go of the issue. To disarm him of this, the wife MUST convey that she understands his problem. Otherwise it's just an empty apology. ***Never use "but" in an apology!***

#2 With regards to his medical health; this probably exacerbates this situation! And not just the fact that he has trouble performing at certain times due to medication (I had a similar experience 6 years ago, that lasted for 3 days, and it still haunts me!), but he may feel like the time when he could be carefree in when he had sex, and didn't have performance anxiety has passed him by and he was denied sex during that time. If you deride that feeling, or leave it unvalidated, I don't see him ever giving up that resentment. You may have the anger quelled at the moment, but it will return.


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