# 26 years of marriage coming to an end



## seekingcalm58 (Apr 1, 2010)

I am new, I don't know if this is the right forum for this but:

My story is long and probably not untypical. I have been married for the last 26 years of my life and have two boys (24 and 20). My wife and I dated for 3 years before getting married.

After 7 years of marriage and the birth of two boys, my wife became highly agitated with me whenever I would speak, drive a car, do projects around the house / home or even make love as I was told I wasn't doing it right or I didn't know what I was doing or I was a complete and utter failure. This was such extreme behavior for her that I tried to find out what was going on. I would ask what was wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to deserve this treatment? A few months into this new behavior I was away on a business trip and when I returned my wife came to me and told me that she has been having and extramarital affair for quite some time and that was just now telling me because the guilt became unbearable (for her). 

We discussed everything that had happened - how she felt ignored and unwanted because I was gone on the road so much over the those few years. I went through all of the emotions - outrage, sorrow, anger, disgust, betrayal, denial. I was going to leave my wife at that point and looking back at it now, I probably made a huge mistake. I was afraid that I would lose my two children. I didn't want them growing up without a father or worse yet, some other man becoming their father. I talked to my minister and decided that I would forgive my wife and that we would work together to ensure that we could get past this. No one in our families knew of this then or even knows today about my wife's infidelity.

So, I got a new job that did not require extensive travel, we bought a newer house and moved to a different part of town, and into a new school district - giving everyone a clean start. 

For a year or so things seemed to be going well, but little by little, my wife's behavior reverted back to the behavior from when she was having her affair. I always forgave my wife, but now she was acting like she did when she was having the affair, so it was becoming hard and more difficult to get it out of my mind. I would ask her what was wrong and why she was yelling all the time and she would yell at me that " I hate you" and "I don't love you" and " I don't care about you" and "I dont know why I married you in the first place". I asked her to go to counseling with me and to get help but she refused. She told me there was nothing wrong with her that it was all my fault. This continued to become a more frequent pattern of behavior that now included public humiliation and castration of me - in grocery stores, in department stores, restaurants, at youth events, etc.. telling me I am not a real man while berating me for something as innocent as a remark about our financial situation or looking for a car or buying a bottle of wine...

This behavior had become steadily worse over the next 14 years - even her friends, her family and our children would ask her to talk to someone and should still refused to seek professional help. It has only been in the last 4 years that I have taken all I can take yet still I have been patient and asked her to seek help. All of my pleas have been rebuffed with rantings and rages of temper and sometimes bordering on violence. I loved my wife and tried to forget everything that happened in the past, but I can take this anymore. She has pounded it in to my head that she doesn't love me anymore, that she doesn't like me and that she doesn't know why she married me. She pushed me outside of our relationship and I can honestly say I don't love her anymore.

Our children are grown - one just finished college the other just starting. The oldest is now engaged to be married and both children are still living at home.

I am planning on leaving my wife now as I can't take the daily/weekly abuse anymore. I think my decision 18 years ago to stay may have been the wrong decision because I fear I have made things worse for our children when I devastate them with this news. 

I want to be happy and I want my children to be happy. I feel the last 18 years have been too much for me and I will need extensive therapy as well as my children.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. You are a very strong person to have dealt with such abuse over such a long period of time. You're to be commended for your patience! I very well understand maintaining a household for the sake of your children!

Whether or not the last 18 years were a mistake is not a question you should ask. What's happened has happened - and you cannot go back to change it. Instead, focus on the future. Sounds to me like you've put in your time, you've sacrificed sufficiently and yet she is unwilling to meet you even 1/2 way. Are you concerned that your children or family will be upset by this decision? Even after they have seen the abuse you've dealt with over the years? I'd be surprised if they're not wondering why you have continued to stay. 

My opinion? It's time to take care of YOU. Go to therapy. Work to heal the damage done to your self-esteem and self-image. Focus on your future. Good luck! It'll be a difficult road, but you can do it!!!


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## seekingcalm58 (Apr 1, 2010)

Momof3

Thank you for your thoughts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sometimes, people will not seek help when they need to, because someone who loves them props them up. Helps them avoid their issues. Not blaming you, just explaining human nature.

Therefore (and my point), I think leaving her at this point may be a blessing for her (I hope), because she will finally have to deal with the fact that she has a problem.

You haven't done anything wrong by your children. You have shown them a loving, dedicated father with high morals and impeccable ethics - something they should hope to strive for. Be proud of yourself for giving them as stable a home as they could hope for, under the circumstances. They _knew_ about their mom. They also were able to witness love and sacrifice in your act of service by staying with her. 

Now it's time for you to earn YOUR time. Move on. Seek therapy for what you've endured. Learn to forgive. And by all means, talk HONESTLY with your kids - they need to hear it all from you, and they are old enough now to understand. 

Best of luck.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Seeking, I am so sorry that you are going through such a painful period. Like you, I lived with a verbally abusive wife for many years (15 in my case). She suffers from strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Because your wife's mean behavior sounds so much like that of my exW, I will describe the similarities between their behaviors and, at the end, a dissimilarity. If what I write sounds familiar, you may want to read further information about BPD as a way of understanding why you were attracted to her and why things went so terribly wrong -- and as a way figuring out how to explain it to your children when they are old enough to comprehend it.

The meanness and rage that you describe is a hallmark of BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting strong BPD traits). Another hallmark of the BPD illness is the pushing-away and pulling-you-back behavior you describe. Hence, it is common for such women to fear abandonment so much that they will preemptively abandon you first by pushing you away. Moreover, they carry enormous anger inside from childhood. It is easily triggered by some innocent comment or action you make. These rages are unpredictable and can occur in as little as ten seconds. They typically last 5 hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours).

Those characteristics are reflected in the titles of classic books on this subject: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." For bpd sufferers, their inability to trust anyone means you can never convince them of your love. And their black-white thinking means that they can never fully perceive you as a loving person who happens to have a few flaws. That is, they do not deal well with gray concepts. 

Sadly, there is nothing you can do to fix it. Loving her will not do it. Indeed, loving her will cause her pain as you draw close. It is like trying to heal a burn patient by hugging her. The reason is that the self-image is so weak that she will feel like she is being suffocated, losing herself into your own personality. Of course, she won't say that. Rather, she will say you are controlling, which is how she experiences it.

Given that you stayed with your wife for so many years, you may be a sitting duck for such people. Hence, although there seems to be little danger you will return to her, you may well be drawn to another just like her. I know because I am drawn to wounded birds/victims too. You and I are the caretaker types that feel valuable only when we are helping other people. We seek out the damaged people and victims of society, the very people that others will run screaming from. 

In my case, I had to grow up too quickly because my dad was alcoholic and my mom therefore treated me as the "little man" of the household. If you are like that too, you likely have "codependent" aspects to your personality. 

Because they have a very weak ego and are fearful of rejection, BPDers adopt the personality and preferences of any man they are attracted to. Hence, for six months, you will think you have met your "soul mate." It is the closest experience you will ever have to making love to yourself. And, speaking of that, such women are extremely passionate. For that six months, it will be better than any romance movie you have ever seen. But then you will pay big time as her idolizing period starts alternating with the periods in which she demonizes you. She cannot avoid doing this because BPD distorts her perception of you. 

My exW, for example, started believing I was a frequent liar and very violent. Actually, those were her characteristics. When you visit the above websites, you will find that that behavior is called "projection." Because BPDers hate themselves deep down, the last thing they want to hear is that they have one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves. A BPDer therefore will blame you for everything that goes wrong. And she will believe it because, for her, feelings are so intense that they constitute her reality. This is why you cannot sit down and reach a rational compromise with a BPDer on any contentious issue.

Recent studies suggest that BPD is likely caused by heredity (30% of the cases) or by heredity combined with childhood abuse or an emotionally unavailable parent (70% of the cases). This causes the victim to hold onto to their childhood defense mechanisms (e.g., splitting and mirroring) so strongly that they have become emotionally stunted -- unable to adopt the more mature emotional defenses that the rest of us move on to.

This brings me to the one respect in which your wife sounds very dissimilar to my exW. Because BPD is firmly entrenched by age 4 or 5, it usually affects behavior in a way that is noticeable by the late teens. In people who are "high functioning" BPDers, the behavioral traits may not be very noticeable until they are triggered by a stressful period. Even so, it is strange that -- if your wife has strong BPD traits -- that you would know her for ten years before her encountering sufficient stress to bring out those traits. It is hard to understand -- if she has this illness -- why you did not notice red flags before things soured at 7 years into the marriage. Yet, if what I have described above sounds like your wife's behavior, I suggest you read more about this illness to decide if it is something you wish to discuss further with a therapist. 

The best place to start is a short article at BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It is the best concise description of what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning BPD. I wish you the best, Seeking. You deserve to be loved for the man you already are, not just for the things you can do.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

seekingcalm and uptown - this is fascinating stuff to me because, between you, you've spelt out my relationship too. I stayed put for my boy. It's worked - he's a wonderful kid, has a good relationship with both of us parents and will do well in his life. That's worth every second of 'The Years Of Rage' as I call them!


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## seekingcalm58 (Apr 1, 2010)

Thank you all for your input...

Now, here is an update:

My children agree that I was not at fault and are trying to displace the blame on themselves as being typical kids / teenagers by not doing chores timely or not helping when asked.

Also, they are wanting me to try to work something out with my wife since she doesnt want me to leave now and has told me she will not agree to a dissolution or divorce - stating that she will drag it out as long as possible to make me miserable. She has not gotten any mental help yet (obviously)...

My oldest son says he loves me and that I am his hero but will disown me, that I will never see my grandchildren and that I taught him to to never quit or give up. My youngest son is threatening to hurt himself....

This is really starting to scare me now. Please help...


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Tell your children that you're leaving to force your wife to get help. She will never get help as long as she can blame her unhappiness on others. If she would go get help, you would stay, but you can't make her do it, and you can't think of any other way to make her do it.

If they've got ideas on how to make her go to a therapist every week and take the meds if he says to, you're all ears. But just staying put isn't going to help her any, and if they want to help her, they won't interfere with you leaving.

Tell them they need to focus on _helping their mother_, because something is wrong with her. Your younger son hurting himself isn't going to help her. Your older son disowning you isn't going to help her. "What is going to help her the most right now?"

I think the best thing for your wife would be for _all three_ of you should move out unless she gets help. Counsellor, every week, pills if he says so, or all three of you go. In the case of alcoholism, they do something called an "intervention"; not sure what they would call it in this case.

Incidentally, if they know how she treats you, it may be they're alarmed at what's going to happen if you're not there and she turns her mistreatment on them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like your children learned their behaviors from HER rather than from YOU. That's sad.

I agree, just keep this about her. You will not prop up her mental illness any more. 

And remember, you're an adult. Don't let these kids try to extort what they want from you with threats. That's really just...I want to say disgusting, but I don't want to sound mean about your kids. But I picture them being just like your wife. Maybe they're just speaking out of pain, and will change their tune down the road. 

Maybe by you doing the right thing, they will see what CAN be done. Maybe they'll learn something.

Oh, and don't let your WIFE threaten you, either. You can have a divorce if you want one, and even if she draws out the legal aspect of it, at least you can be free of the drama by living somewhere else.


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## caritas (Apr 10, 2010)

I have similar problems but not as terrible as yours.Leave her immediately.. I will when my son is at the age of yours. Life should not be passing this way..


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## seekingcalm58 (Apr 1, 2010)

caritas,

If you are in the same boat I am in, leave NOW. Do not wait 'til your son is older. I have found that the older your children are the harder it is to deal with 'mom and dad' splitting up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what happened?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What have you done in the time since your last post? I would strongly recommend family therapy, and go without your wife if she won't go. Go yourself if your kids won't go. The situation sounds miserable and I hope you are finding a way through it. God bless.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Uptown took the words right out of my mouth. I would suggest that you read everything you can about BPD. It's no walk in the park, I can tell you that. 
I would also suggest reading "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better", and I apologize, but I forget the authors name. You really need to learn some tools if you're going to continue in this marriage. I hope you find the answers you seek.


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## seekingcalm58 (Apr 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> So what happened?



We went to therapy in June (after she had thrown ME out of the house in May) and then she proudly announced that it (therapy) was a waste of her time. Things might have been salvageable in May, but she is no picnic. I even helped landscape the house (even though I was told I was not welcome to come in) Memorial Day weekend.Then in June she was at one of her friends bachelorette party and told a co-worker of mine that she wanted to slash my tires or do something to my Van. That night I spied her parked outside my office. She confronted a client of mine and then decided to chase my client all over the outer belt until I had no choice but to call the police. During the 25 mile chase, I noticed my van making a noise unfamiliar to me. I thought maybe she had slashed a tire, but to my dismay I found that 4 of the 5 lug bolts were sheered off of my right rear wheel. I called AAA and was towed to a tire expert who said that the only way those lug bolts (not the nut but the BOLT) would have been sheared off would be from someone loosening them to where there was so much play that during the 'chase' there would have been so much pressure and torque applied that they wouldn't be able to handle it.

Needless to say I subpoenaed the tire and wheel guy for deposition and that she will be facing criminal charges as well.

I filed for divorce in July.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow.

Um...better days are ahead?

Sorry, I don't know what else to say!


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## tennessee0869 (Dec 16, 2010)

Wow, that is crazy!! 

After that incident occurred, what did your children say about it? Did they believe that their momma caused the damage to your tire?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Seeking, thanks for the update. Like I said, meanness and instability are hallmarks of a person suffering from strong traits of BPD. If you have not yet done so, I strongly recommend that you read about it, starting with the article I cited above. Another thing that could help you is the Parenting with Someone with BPD message board at the BPDfamily.com forum. The folks there (mostly guys) can give you lots of useful tips on dealing with a BPDer who is the mother of your children. Best wishes to you.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

Good for you.You have to live your own life for Yourself.Your sons are going to be starting their own lives.You gave yourself away for many years and now it is time to reclaim yourself.Good Luck !!


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

seekingcalm58 said:


> I filed for divorce in July.


Good for you. Honestly, I don't even know why you went to therapy when you already said she told you she didn't love you...etc.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Wow, your issues make mine sound simple. I'm glad that you were able to get out and that you were not hurt. It is sad to think that someone you love has the ability to do something so harmful to you ! 

I was chased by my husband during a break up 5 years ago , I had one of our children in the car with me. It was very scary, I had to resort to calling the police too! 

I hope you have some better days ahead of you , have you got yourself into any type of counseling.


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