# am i wrong



## hummingangel (Mar 11, 2017)

Hi, first a warning - this is a little long. 
So here is the situation. I moved in with my fiancé last year. We have a child together and because of our rotating weird schedules, we needed someone to watch her overnights and at weird hours. So he brought in a friend (female) to help out. At the interview I specifically asked how do you know my fiancé and she said they were friends. Ok well after living there a few months I find out that they actually used to sleep together. then I find text messages they were sending to each other saying stuff like meet me downstairs, I want to suck you ****, etc. while I was at work. So I confront them and tell him I want her out. He says the text messages were a fake, he told her to send them because he said I like to snoop in his phone so that would teach me a lesson. Then he said that they slept together a long time ago before we got together and that they didn’t tell me because they knew I would be angry. Well now I am furious because they lied to me and I don’t believe the text message story. But I forgive my fiancé and say we need to work on our relationship. However I want her (the nanny) out. so he was like well we can’t afford to hire someone and we don’t have any family around to help out, so after the wedding we can because then we won’t be spending money on the wedding. So I said ok. 
Well it has been 5 months after the wedding and she is still in my house. Every time I bring up getting someone else it’s we don’t have the money. Also I don’t speak to her at all. Since she watches my child I would text her about my child or leave notes but now nothing. I don’t want to have any more communication with her, I just want her out of my house. Last month finally came to a head, I lost it. She wanted to talk because she said the tension was too much in the house. So I said fine we can talk like adults. I told her I don’t like her and I never would. They lied to me and she still says she never messed with him. the conversation was going ok until she said that she raises my child more than I do and maybe if I actually cleaned and cooked (like she thinks she does) then he would actually want me and not mess with others. I snapped, I screamed at her and told her she has to leave. Then I told him but he still wouldn’t back me. He says I’m being petty and childish because I don’t communicate with her since she is watching our child. He then says if I want someone else to watch her I need to come up with a solution. So I spend all my time putting out ads, interviewing people and find someone who can watch her on our weird hours. Yes it costs money but I figured we can work something out. Well I tell him and he shuts it down saying we don’t have that money, we need to concentrate on paying our debt and then we can hire someone. So I’m upset, I’m ready for her to be out of my house. So today he says he is tired of me because I went to work without telling her that my child is being picked up by mother today. I actually did put it on the calendar which is on the fridge for her, but because I didn’t actually tell her he says I’m being petty and childish and not thinking of my daughter. I’m tired of this. I feel like I shouldn’t be in this situation but then I told my friend and she was like you have to be an adult and think of your child. He says I’m being selfish and now I feel like I’m in the wrong. Please help.


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## lorikeet25 (Jun 22, 2016)

You really do need to talk to her if she is caring for your child. 
He should have backed you up. I would bet my paycheck that they are having sex behind your back and that's why he didn't side with you. 
You have the right to be comfortable in your home and he should want that. His actions show you otherwise. I'm sorry. 
You are going to have to make some decisions and back them with actions. Personally I would go for an annulment, work out a custody agreement, and cut my losses.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Looks like two paychecks are in the pot on this...

There isn't room for three in a marriage.

In fact, it has become so crowded that the respect you deserve has been pushed out as well.

His defense of her tells you many things... what truths does your listening-self tell you?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

No, you're not wrong.

he has no business having his old girlfriend in the house while he swore an oath
to you. Generally an engaged or married person should have no regular contact
with an old flame. Especially one practically living in the house.

whats funny to me is all his phony indignation.
I'm willing to bet if you dragged your old boyfriend into the picture he wouldn't
be so accepting.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Honey, you know exactly what is going on. You have known all along. 

They are probably hoping you will get sick of it all, and that YOU will leave and then they can continue playing house with your child. 

You have to stop this immediately. You are being betrayed daily. They are making a fool out of you. Please don't allow them to continue.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Tell her she has x days to leave, and if she doesn't, call the cops and have her tossed out. That's an untenable situation you're in.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

hummingangel said:


> Hi, first a warning - this is a little long.
> So here is the situation. I moved in with my fiancé last year. We have a child together and because of our rotating weird schedules, we needed someone to watch her overnights and at weird hours. So he brought in a friend (female) to help out. At the interview I specifically asked how do you know my fiancé and she said they were friends. Ok well after living there a few months I find out that they actually used to sleep together. then I find text messages they were sending to each other saying stuff like meet me downstairs, I want to suck you ****, etc. while I was at work. So I confront them and tell him I want her out. He says the text messages were a fake, he told her to send them because he said I like to snoop in his phone so that would teach me a lesson. Then he said that they slept together a long time ago before we got together and that they didn’t tell me because they knew I would be angry. Well now I am furious because they lied to me and I don’t believe the text message story. But I forgive my fiancé and say we need to work on our relationship. However I want her (the nanny) out. so he was like well we can’t afford to hire someone and we don’t have any family around to help out, so after the wedding we can because then we won’t be spending money on the wedding. So I said ok.
> Well it has been 5 months after the wedding and she is still in my house. Every time I bring up getting someone else it’s we don’t have the money. Also I don’t speak to her at all. Since she watches my child I would text her about my child or leave notes but now nothing. I don’t want to have any more communication with her, I just want her out of my house. Last month finally came to a head, I lost it. She wanted to talk because she said the tension was too much in the house. So I said fine we can talk like adults. I told her I don’t like her and I never would. They lied to me and she still says she never messed with him. the conversation was going ok until she said that she raises my child more than I do and maybe if I actually cleaned and cooked (like she thinks she does) then he would actually want me and not mess with others. I snapped, I screamed at her and told her she has to leave. Then I told him but he still wouldn’t back me. He says I’m being petty and childish because I don’t communicate with her since she is watching our child. He then says if I want someone else to watch her I need to come up with a solution. So I spend all my time putting out ads, interviewing people and find someone who can watch her on our weird hours. Yes it costs money but I figured we can work something out. Well I tell him and he shuts it down saying we don’t have that money, we need to concentrate on paying our debt and then we can hire someone. So I’m upset, I’m ready for her to be out of my house. So today he says he is tired of me because I went to work without telling her that my child is being picked up by mother today. I actually did put it on the calendar which is on the fridge for her, but because I didn’t actually tell her he says I’m being petty and childish and not thinking of my daughter. I’m tired of this. I feel like I shouldn’t be in this situation but then I told my friend and she was like you have to be an adult and think of your child. He says I’m being selfish and now I feel like I’m in the wrong. Please help.


Both are fooling u,what is the need of such husband? N throw that lady out of ur child's life she will be putting things against u in ur child's mind.

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, you've known FOR MONTHS that your fiance has been having an affair IN YOUR HOUSE with THE LIVE IN NANNY he used to date and have done nothing? Really? I ...just...wow.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

hummingangel said:


> . He says I’m being selfish and now I feel like I’m in the wrong. Please help.


I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and see it the way you do.

If someone of the opposite sex lived in my house and sent texts to my girlfriend to the effect of "I want to suck you and do other stuff" and I found out they had a sexual relationship at one time and she refused to make him leave even after all the lies and deception and sexual texts and animosity between me and the other guy who says he's a better parent to my child than I am, I think it would probably bother me too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No! Both your intuitions(gut instincts)and the content of those texts aren't wrong! Your being had!

He wants to have his cake and eat it too!

Time for you to pack up that little girl of yours and to look at him in the rear view mirror on your way over to a good family lawyers office to arrange for child support payments!*


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

So, if "Nannie" is so uncomfortable with the lack of communication, why doesn't SHE leave? Why does your hubby INSIST that you accept this arrangement? Why doesn't hubby respect your position in this household, aka "Wife" and "Mother" and send the nannie packing. I think you know the answer. 

If your hubby will not respect your wishes, then you know the marriage is doomed. If he will not stand with you as a family unit, then it's up to you to toss the Nannie out, perhaps change your hours at work, and/or do whatever you can to see that your child is cared for and you take care of yourself.

So sorry for what you are going through.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What a crazy scenario! 

There is no way the ex should have ever been invited to live in your house. Also there is no way this is a professional relationship between your husband and this woman. Think about it, would he ask any other nanny to send him a text saying she wanted to suck him off? How would a conversation like that even come up in a professional relationship.

Then there's the childish behavior of you not speaking to her. You don't want her watching your child but you keep tolerating it, but you'll show them your disdain by not speaking to her, the person watching your child. That is one of the most ridicules things I have ever heard. 

If you can't afford a nanny how are you paying her? Or do her and your husband have a barter system in place?

She needs to go, and there's a chance your husband may go with her, so be it. Right now YOU are the third wheel in your own home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kick them both out. Then tell him he has one year to prove to you that he is worth letting back in. Then sit back and see what he does. And don't tell me you need him for the money. You can always get someone to rent space from you or get help from family or government agencies. There IS a way to do this without selling your soul to him for money.


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## hummingangel (Mar 11, 2017)

MJJEAN, No i havent known for months. I found out in Feb and confronted them. he said they didnt have an affair it was just a joke teaching me a lesson. He has consistenly denied having an affair with her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Just trying to understand.

So you catch these two low life POS's cheating and sexting right under your nose in your OWN home, and your answer to that was to marry this worthless lying loser and let this skank continue caring for your child?

_Really?_


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

What I'm wondering is why you married this guy in the first place. He was already disrespecting you well before the wedding.

Also, I just don't get this notion of why people who are in debt seem to think they should spend money on a wedding. You can get married at a justice of the peace for next to nothing. The concept that your husband said, before the wedding, that because of the wedding cost she had to stay and you didn't insist that the money be directed to getting rid of this woman and finding good child care... just makes me shake my head. 

But water under the bridge now. Of course he is lying to you and manipulating you and sleeping with this woman, and in the long run your daughter is going to suffer for it. So it's time for you to get rid of him.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hummingangel said:


> Hi, first a warning - this is a little long.
> So here is the situation. I moved in with my fiancé last year. We have a child together and because of our rotating weird schedules, we needed someone to watch her overnights and at weird hours. So he brought in a friend (female) to help out. At the interview I specifically asked how do you know my fiancé and she said they were friends. Ok well after living there a few months I find out that they actually used to sleep together. then I find text messages they were sending to each other saying stuff like meet me downstairs, I want to suck you ****, etc. while I was at work. So I confront them and tell him I want her out. He says the text messages were a fake, he told her to send them because he said I like to snoop in his phone so that would teach me a lesson. Then he said that they slept together a long time ago before we got together and that they didn’t tell me because they knew I would be angry. Well now I am furious because they lied to me and I don’t believe the text message story. But I forgive my fiancé and say we need to work on our relationship. However I want her (the nanny) out. so he was like well we can’t afford to hire someone and we don’t have any family around to help out, so after the wedding we can because then we won’t be spending money on the wedding. So I said ok.
> Well it has been 5 months after the wedding and she is still in my house. Every time I bring up getting someone else it’s we don’t have the money. Also I don’t speak to her at all. Since she watches my child I would text her about my child or leave notes but now nothing. I don’t want to have any more communication with her, I just want her out of my house. Last month finally came to a head, I lost it. She wanted to talk because she said the tension was too much in the house. So I said fine we can talk like adults. I told her I don’t like her and I never would. They lied to me and she still says she never messed with him. the conversation was going ok until she said that she raises my child more than I do and maybe if I actually cleaned and cooked (like she thinks she does) then he would actually want me and not mess with others. I snapped, I screamed at her and told her she has to leave. Then I told him but he still wouldn’t back me. He says I’m being petty and childish because I don’t communicate with her since she is watching our child. He then says if I want someone else to watch her I need to come up with a solution. So I spend all my time putting out ads, interviewing people and find someone who can watch her on our weird hours. Yes it costs money but I figured we can work something out. Well I tell him and he shuts it down saying we don’t have that money, we need to concentrate on paying our debt and then we can hire someone. So I’m upset, I’m ready for her to be out of my house. So today he says he is tired of me because I went to work without telling her that my child is being picked up by mother today. I actually did put it on the calendar which is on the fridge for her, but because I didn’t actually tell her he says I’m being petty and childish and not thinking of my daughter. I’m tired of this. I feel like I shouldn’t be in this situation but then I told my friend and she was like you have to be an adult and think of your child. He says I’m being selfish and now I feel like I’m in the wrong. Please help.



This is not hubby material.

He shouldn't of known this other woman at all when hiring her. Instead, he knew her, slept with her, now they're sending sexts to each other and he defends this by saying, I did this because you snoop on my cell???

Sounds like he wants to have 2 woman for sex....

If your hubby to be truly loved you, he wouldn't of hired this woman in the first place. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.

Sorry, but this guy is a scum bag.

You're not in the wrong. You are 100% correct.


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## hummingangel (Mar 11, 2017)

Thank you everyone for giving advice. I really dont think they are doing anything because they are no longer in the house at night by themselves and I honestly think he is not messing with her. However I do feel that he doesn't care about my feelings in this at all. He doesnt even want to understand it, when I asked why he lied to me in the first place and invited her he said he thought i would be upset. i was like im more upset that you lied and he said i thought u would get over it by now. No, i will never get over having her in my house. yet he doesn't understand he says i should suck it up until we can afford a nanny/babysitter. O in regards to paying her, its room/board in exchange for childcare so we dont pay her. If we actually hired someone we would have to pay her and we dont have the money right now. Im so tired of him saying its me, that the tension in the house is my fault, that it would work if i jsut changed. the reason i asked this was because he kept saying that everyone would say i was childish and tell me to get over it. i have only told my sister and she is on my side but thats my sister, i needed to hear unbiased opinion. i really want our marriage to work, i just want her to leave. i even suggested counseling but he said no, if we need counseling only after 5 months then we dont need to be married. I guess i just dont want to give up on our marriage.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hummingangel said:


> Thank you everyone for giving advice. I really dont think they are doing anything because they are no longer in the house at night by themselves and I honestly think he is not messing with her. However I do feel that he doesn't care about my feelings in this at all. He doesnt even want to understand it, when I asked why he lied to me in the first place and invited her he said he thought i would be upset. i was like im more upset that you lied and he said i thought u would get over it by now. No, i will never get over having her in my house. yet he doesn't understand he says i should suck it up until we can afford a nanny/babysitter. O in regards to paying her, its room/board in exchange for childcare so we dont pay her. If we actually hired someone we would have to pay her and we dont have the money right now. Im so tired of him saying its me, that the tension in the house is my fault, that it would work if i jsut changed. the reason i asked this was because he kept saying that everyone would say i was childish and tell me to get over it. i have only told my sister and she is on my side but thats my sister, i needed to hear unbiased opinion. i really want our marriage to work, i just want her to leave. i even suggested counseling but he said no, if we need counseling only after 5 months then we dont need to be married. I guess i just dont want to give up on our marriage.




If they want to have sex, they know how to meet to do this. Blank their cell phones, so if you look, no history or texts. Easy to do.

They could meet for quickies all the time. You'd never know, unless one day, you walk in on them.

I would ignore this other woman completely.

Your hubby to be is a bad man for hiring her in the first place. Just unacceptable.

Tell him, if you mess around, I will divorce you and take you for everything you got!!!

If they've slept together before, sexts, they will do it again.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

She sends sexual messages, you find out. He says they were faked to '"teach you a lesson". She tells you if you were more involved he wouldn't want to mess with others. 

And your response is that there's nothing going on???????

You can't seriously be this gullible. Wow, just wow. You think getting rid of the girl is the answer? 

You can't tell when your husband is lying? I don't know what's worse, you not having a better idea of what's going on in your relationship after so long or your husband being a lying, manipulative cheater.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

hummingangel said:


> Thank you everyone for giving advice. I really dont think they are doing anything because they are no longer in the house at night by themselves and I honestly think he is not messing with her. However I do feel that he doesn't care about my feelings in this at all. He doesnt even want to understand it, when I asked why he lied to me in the first place and invited her he said he thought i would be upset. i was like im more upset that you lied and he said i thought u would get over it by now. No, i will never get over having her in my house. yet he doesn't understand he says i should suck it up until we can afford a nanny/babysitter. O in regards to paying her, its room/board in exchange for childcare so we dont pay her. If we actually hired someone we would have to pay her and we dont have the money right now. Im so tired of him saying its me, that the tension in the house is my fault, that it would work if i jsut changed. the reason i asked this was because he kept saying that everyone would say i was childish and tell me to get over it. i have only told my sister and she is on my side but thats my sister, i needed to hear unbiased opinion. i really want our marriage to work, i just want her to leave. i even suggested counseling but he said no, if we need counseling only after 5 months then we dont need to be married. I guess i just dont want to give up on our marriage.


You are on denial and cant think straight. Who say that people only have sex at night? 

This is not healthy for any relationship. Ask him if you invite your ex to live in your house?


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## hummingangel (Mar 11, 2017)

first off, i dont know where you got 16 years. it hasnt been 16 years. 2nd im not being gullible, i dont believe him about the "teaching me a lesson" i said that. I believe that he wont do it again because i threatened to leave. a few people do actually stay faithful after an affair, i know a few who he cheated and she found out threatened to leave with child support and they worked it out after he said he would never do it again. In this case, i want to believe my husband is telling me the truth that he actually is not doing anything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hummingangel said:


> MJJEAN, No i havent known for months. I found out in Feb and confronted them. he said they didnt have an affair it was just a joke teaching me a lesson. He has consistenly denied having an affair with her.


You know that they are having an affair. The text message proves it. His siding with her against you proves it. But I think that you need more proof for yourself because you seem to lack self confidence in what you know.

My suggestion is that you get some VARs (voice activated recorders) or spy video cameras and put them in the rooms where you think that they are carrying on. Hide them well.

Then you will have solid evidence.

I do however caution you that if you do this, that you do not tell either of them. And that once you get recordings of them talking about their affair and having sex, that you do not confront them immediately. Instead you store a copy of the recordings where they cannot get them. And you come here to talk about what you have on the recordings. That way we can help you develop a plan of action.

Also, please see a lawyer ASAP about how to get this woman out of your home. I think you also need to start planning for a divorce because your husband needs to go too.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I have a slightly different take on this. The answer to your question “am I wrong?” is *YES*, full stop. Why, you ask? Because you allowed this situation to continue.

You married him *AFTER *you knew about all this. What you should have done is throw them both out OR move out with your child and, call off the wedding.

Because you respected yourself so little, by not demanding better treatment and marrying him anyway, you now have a situation where your husband and the nanny/GF have no respect for you either. They both think they can do and say anything and, you won’t do anything about it.

Ask yourself honestly, why did you want to get married so badly that you would overlook this heinous behavior? Why do you want to be with a man who feels he needs to "teach you a lesson"? (sorry but that explanation of his doesn't pass the smell test) Please don’t say that you love him or that he loves you because his behavior is not loving and, your behavior is not indicative of someone who loves themselves.

You can remedy this situation, you just need to find the courage to see a lawyer, dump both of these scoundrels and protect your child.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The "nanny" is not really the problem. Your husband is the problem. 

We are saying you are naive because you are still there. And so is she. And your husband thinks you should suck it up.

Even if you believe there is nothing going on between them (naive), there is still the whole thing about your husband saying that YOU are the problem. If a spouse has a problem, especially in the house, then it is BOTH spouses problem and it needs to be worked on. 

There is no point in marriage counseling while she still lives there. 

And your H has it made. Why would he want to change anything? Perfect scenario for him. So YOU have to make a change. It's all you can do.

Your mom is close enough to pick up the baby....why not take the baby and go stay with her for awhile? Either your husband will wake up and listen (I don't think so, I think he is a **** that doesn't know what love and marriage is.) or he will take up with her and call you crazy. Either way...YOU will have made a change. 

Bottom line, YOU are the only one who can change your life. You have two choices...change it, or allow it to stay the same.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Just checking in for an update.

Has the video of him dressed like a clown surfaced yet?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't like being the odd person out in your own marriage and your own home. That's exactly what you are! He and his girlfriend are playing happy family and you're bringing in a paycheck to help support them. 

You can either leave with your daughter or continue to tolerate their crappy behavior. The 'teaching you a lesson' excuse is so lame, I'd divorce him just for being so ****ing stupid. Now, you know how he is going to prioritize you in the future. The garbage collector will get more consideration.


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