# How to say no to cuddling



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

My wife in our sexless marriage often asks to cuddle as we go to bed. And it's usually one-way cuddling where I hold her in some way but I get nothing back. She will never initiate a cuddle of her own. It would be nice to feel loved by having your spouse hold you. 

I have talked my way out of it a few times but would like to hear a some creative ways. It sounds stupid but as I read here I am letting her think it's ok to cuddle every night and nothing else. 

We did actually have sex a few nights ago. It was an awkward start with a usual finish. I have no idea what to do there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

First, I'm confused...you say she often asks to cuddle but then you say she never initiates a cuddle. ? What am I missing.
Second, with confidence and assertion, when the time comes and she wants to cuddle, lean into her and as you begin to kiss her neck and "take control" of the situation to move towards sex, tell her, "I'd love to cuddle with you after making love to you." Don't say it like it's an exchange...not like, you have sex with me and I'll cuddle with you. But rather, say it like you genuinely would like to cuddle with her...and the best vehicle for that would be the emotional and physical intimacy that comes from sex.
Just MHO.


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

Hurra said:


> My wife in our sexless marriage often asks to cuddle as we go to bed. And it's usually one-way cuddling where I hold her in some way but I get nothing back. She will never initiate a cuddle of her own. It would be nice to feel loved by having your spouse hold you.
> 
> I have talked my way out of it a few times but would like to hear a some creative ways. It sounds stupid but as I read here I am letting her think it's ok to cuddle every night and nothing else.
> 
> ...


How about you sit down and talk to her about your needs. Ask her what her needs are. Cuddling is not about fu*king, it's about tender loving care. I cuddle because my wife likes to just be held and this enough for me. Do I get anything out of it, you bet I do; like just being with her is good. Would I rather get laid in any number of positions, yep anytime.

But you have to be ready to give her what you know she needs. Sex is Sex, it suppose to be lustful, tender, full of laughter, just sex for a quick let me cum now and fantasy or role playing. Than the is being so close that you touch her soul and spirit.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Airplane...I'm afraid I don't entirely agree with you. Women, in general, like the 'hugs and cuddles'....they are happy to get into bed with their husband and have a 'safe' cuddle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We are 'men'...our sexual needs are different to womens. We need to ejaculate... 

I know in my younger days I could not lie next to my girlfriend in bed, have a 'safe' cuddle and not get sexually aroused! As we get older (am 46!) we have become a bit more 'conditioned!

It seems that Hurra's wife only wants what SHE wants in terms of intimacy...ie 'safe' cuddles. She seems to forget the fact that his needs ie 'sexual relief' doesnt really feature.

If all she wants safe cuddles and he gives them, she should also give what he would like...


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

jezza said:


> Airplane...I'm afraid I don't entirely agree with you. Women, in general, like the 'hugs and cuddles'....they are happy to get into bed with their husband and have a 'safe' cuddle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We are 'men'...our sexual needs are different to womens. We need to ejaculate...
> 
> I know in my younger days I could not lie next to my girlfriend in bed, have a 'safe' cuddle and not get sexually aroused! As we get older (am 46!) we have become a bit more 'conditioned!
> 
> ...


Thanks jezza. That sums it up. I like to cuddle too of course, but not all the time. I would also like to be held and cuddled into. I am always the cuddler, never the cuddle-ee. :banghead:

I know there are no easy solutions to this stuff. Talking has been tried and didn't go well or didn't work.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I believe you need to work more on WHY you have a sexless marriage, then HOW to avoid additional intimacy.

You're right, there are no easy solutions, but is the solution to continue to draw further apart - I don't believe so.

If talking has been tried and didn't go well or didn't work, perhaps it's time to bring a third party in (MC).

If not, then why do you stay? And what are her justifications to destroy this part of your marriage?


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I believe you need to work more on WHY you have a sexless marriage, then HOW to avoid additional intimacy.


:iagree:

I'm curious, does cuddling ever lead to sex?
There is a great book called "The Female Brain" that explains how the female brain is wired differently than the male brain.
One of the interesting facts is that it's virtually impossible for a woman to have an orgasm unless she is relaxed, and feeling safe and secure.
Perhaps cuddling is a way to get her there?

I know that when I'm not really in the mood, a good long cuddle can get me fired up...
Getting to a state of deep relaxation can be just the thing that a woman needs to "get there".


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

if you are in a sexless marriage, cuddling is nothing but hanging meat in front of a hungry dog.

guys are conditioned to respond physically in those situations and to respond quickly. add that there is no sexual outlet in the marriage and it can get even more frustrating.

yeah, you need to figure out why there is no sex in the marriage but that doesn't mean he has to go to bed with an erection every night.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If all she wants is a cuddle, most of the time, then get her a dog.

It's sex avoidance combined with a knowing denial of sexual need.

She can't claim ignorance of what she is deliberately doing.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A simple statement - "I would like a back massage - then we can cuddle". If you get a 2 minute total bs massage - just laugh and tell her you wanted a massage - not the teasing promise of one. And then don't cuddle. MAKE her start considering YOUR needs. 

If she argues and/or refuses - just be quiet and smile and don't cuddle her. 

And FCS - don't let her tease you sexually with the massage unless she plans to actually have sex with you. Meaning if she starts - let her know not to start something she doesn't plan to finish. Be friendly about it. 




Hurra said:


> My wife in our sexless marriage often asks to cuddle as we go to bed. And it's usually one-way cuddling where I hold her in some way but I get nothing back. She will never initiate a cuddle of her own. It would be nice to feel loved by having your spouse hold you.
> 
> I have talked my way out of it a few times but would like to hear a some creative ways. It sounds stupid but as I read here I am letting her think it's ok to cuddle every night and nothing else.
> 
> ...


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> A simple statement - "I would like a back massage - then we can cuddle". If you get a 2 minute total bs massage - just laugh and tell her you wanted a massage - not the teasing promise of one. And then don't cuddle. MAKE her start considering YOUR needs.
> 
> If she argues and/or refuses - just be quiet and smile and don't cuddle her.
> 
> And FCS - don't let her tease you sexually with the massage unless she plans to actually have sex with you. Meaning if she starts - let her know not to start something she doesn't plan to finish. Be friendly about it.


:iagree:

*Excellent advice* Give something, get something...a bit of a barter system so that she'll learn to stop taking advantage and expecting something with nothing in return.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

Next time she want's to cuddle - say OK, you go first!


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Whatshisname said:


> Next time she want's to cuddle - say OK, you go first!


Or, even better: "Cuddle? That's great! I LOVE to cuddle after a blowjob!" and then look at her expectantly. If no head is forthcoming, sleep on the couch, muttering "maybe tomorrow night". maybe she'll take the hint.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

IanIronwood said:


> Or, even better: "Cuddle? That's great! I LOVE to cuddle after a blowjob!" and then look at her expectantly. If no head is forthcoming, sleep on the couch, muttering "maybe tomorrow night". maybe she'll take the hint.


If a man spoke to me like that, I'd seriously consider leaving him.
Passive aggression is not a very manly, and therefore attractive trait. 

If there is no sex, you need to figure out why.
Yes, it is a basic need and it's not okay to withhold or manipulate or undervalue it- but it's also not okay to manipulate to get it, or to be forceful- with words or actions.

She has to do some work to figure out what's going on- maybe she needs some hormone replacement, maybe some counseling- and you need to figure out how long you're willing to put up with this, and what you are willing to do to get your needs met- ie: clear communication, counseling or an ultimatum.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

peacefully said:


> If a man spoke to me like that, I'd seriously consider leaving him.
> Passive aggression is not a very manly, and therefore attractive trait.


If I _had_ to speak to a woman like that, I'd seriously consider leaving _her_. But that's me, not the OP. 

Passive aggression may not be very manly, but for some men that's the only place they have to stand after 40 years of social issues. You can't radically alter society without warning and then expect manly behavior out of men who have been systematically emasculated over the course of their lives. 

And total passivity is not very womanly, and therefore attractive trait. He needs to let her know that it isn't acceptable, and if passive-aggressive is the only way he can pull that off, then it's better than nothing.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Or, even better: "Cuddle? That's great! I LOVE to cuddle after a blowjob!" and then look at her expectantly. If no head is forthcoming, sleep on the couch, muttering "maybe tomorrow night". maybe she'll take the hint.


Eh, I don't know, that's a bit much to start out with...this approach is more likely to just make her angry than asking for a a back massage. Just my $.02 though.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MGirl said:


> Eh, I don't know, that's a bit much to start out with...this approach is more likely to just make her angry than asking for a a back massage. Just my $.02 though.


This WOULD work for me - only because I'm sex starved - I'll grasp at anything and make deals if I have to!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yep. Her behavior reflects a total lack of concern for his needs. 

The thing about a back massage is it is a pure litmus test of respect and has nothing to do with desire. Best to start building respect. The lack of respect is certainly a huge part of the reason she lacks desire. And Hurra has a history of doing what she asks - and then quietly fuming while she ignores/rejects what he wants. 




MGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> *Excellent advice* Give something, get something...a bit of a barter system so that she'll learn to stop taking advantage and expecting something with nothing in return.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I firmly believe most passion is created or destroyed before you ever walk into the bedroom. 

For my delightfully aggressive W that means a combination of friction and excitement. Friction is mostly about contests:
- playing a competitive sport 
- playing a word game we are both good at 
- humorous but biting banter with each other
- wrestling
- Fitness testing me by violating the bounds of acceptable behavior

She plays hard. But she is mainly competing for the purpose of playing her best game. That is her goal - to reach her full potential. If she wins - fine. If she loses fine also. And she loves watching me achieve my full potential as well even if that means on occasion that I trounce her. Same is true in reverse. THIS is the upside of healthy aggression. Bringing out the best in yourself and your partner. 

And we both stay "fit" for each other. And that is just another part of the outside the bedroom stuff. Take all that away - wouldn't matter how good my technique in bed - sex life would wither....




MGirl said:


> THIS is so true! My husband is lovely and caters to my every need but never expects anything in return. While this sounds very nice and sweet, it has ultimately led to me losing my respect for him, and in turn, losing my desire for him completely. I *need* him to stand up for himself and tell me what his needs are.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

MGirl said:


> THIS is so true! My husband is lovely and caters to my every need but never expects anything in return. While this sounds very nice and sweet, it has ultimately led to me losing my respect for him, and in turn, losing my desire for him completely. I *need* him to stand up for himself and tell me what his needs are.



I have the opposite problem. My husband is self centered, very selfish. He wants his way, but doesn't give anything in return. Therefore I am loosing respect for him, and have lost desire for him. It's too bad, because we were great together.

I'm tired of meeting his needs, while mine goes unmet.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

Some interesting replies here, thanks to everyone.

For the past few nights we have not cuddled at all. She goes to bed before me and is hanging by the edge of her edge of the bed facing away from me. This is her typical way to lie in bed. I usually have to reach over or go to her side to touch/hold her, invite or not. So lately I am just sticking to my side of the bed but no reaction or response from her.

After we got married I always cuddled and kissed her before going to sleep but rarely got a kiss back or was cuddled into. This went on for sometime and its only lately I have said to myself: why am I the giver and never the receiver. Same with sex. If I didn't do any foreplay, we would never have any.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What else are you doing to lower the temperature?




Hurra said:


> Some interesting replies here, thanks to everyone.
> 
> For the past few nights we have not cuddled at all. She goes to bed before me and is hanging by the edge of her edge of the bed facing away from me. This is her typical way to lie in bed. I usually have to reach over or go to her side to touch/hold her, invite or not. So lately I am just sticking to my side of the bed but no reaction or response from her.
> 
> After we got married I always cuddled and kissed her before going to sleep but rarely got a kiss back or was cuddled into. This went on for sometime and its only lately I have said to myself: why am I the giver and never the receiver. Same with sex. If I didn't do any foreplay, we would never have any.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

I am not initiating any kissing or hugging around the house or in bed. She does somewhat but its just pecks and a light hug as usual. I can't say no to her favors that she asks of me that are to get her out of situations she commits herself to in her work and other activities. I am always the fallback person. "Oh I have after-school activity planned so you will have to pick such-and-such that the class needs for tomorrow as I don't have time"

If I say no, she will give me a guilt trip, guaranteed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You need to learn to assert yourself tactfully, diplomatically and firmly. Next time that happens just respond with "I want to talk about this when you get home". And that "talk" goes like this. 

"Given the level of priority you are giving my needs, I am not agreeable to continuing to run last minute errands because you are not organized enough to fulfill commitments that you are making." And then just shut up. And no matter what she says - trying to convince you that you are being a jerk - just respond with "I disagree". Trust me on this, she feels little to no guilt for slowly freezing you to death sexually. Hmmm - lets see. Sexual neglect on one side and declining to pick up a box of crayons on the other side. 

There are 6 love languages and you are choosing to limit your pullback in the area of physical affection where your needs are greatest and hers are the smallest. You will NEVER make real progress that way. If you want her to really understand what it FEELS like to be deprioritized you are going to have to cut back in areas that are important to her. But as always - be nice about it. Or at minimum be matter of fact. 

Of course the "alternative" tactic if this feels better to you is to respond to her requests with "Sorry, I am going to the gym tomorrow, I just don't have time to do that". But if you go that way - stick with it no matter what. Because she will ask you to fit it in around your workout. Just tell her you "wish you could, but won't have time". 

If you continue to "hop to it" when she asks for stuff - you are basically telling her that the status quo is ok with you. 




Hurra said:


> I am not initiating any kissing or hugging around the house or in bed. She does somewhat but its just pecks and a light hug as usual. I can't say no to her favors that she asks of me that are to get her out of situations she commits herself to in her work and other activities. I am always the fallback person. "Oh I have after-school activity planned so you will have to pick such-and-such that the class needs for tomorrow as I don't have time"
> 
> If I say no, she will give me a guilt trip, guaranteed.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

jezza said:


> Airplane...I'm afraid I don't entirely agree with you. Women, in general, like the 'hugs and cuddles'....they are happy to get into bed with their husband and have a 'safe' cuddle. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We are 'men'...our sexual needs are different to womens. We need to ejaculate...
> 
> I know in my younger days I could not lie next to my girlfriend in bed, have a 'safe' cuddle and not get sexually aroused! As we get older (am 46!) we have become a bit more 'conditioned!
> 
> ...


Sounds very familiar. My wife appears to only want safe cuddles. I hate hearing "Haw about we just cuddle"!


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## friendsforlife (May 17, 2010)

peacefully said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm curious, does cuddling ever lead to sex?
> There is a great book called "The Female Brain" that explains how the female brain is wired differently than the male brain.
> ...


Yeah, ya gotta relax. haha. W/we are in a Dom/submissive relationship and i can't see me relaxed with a spreader bar holding my legs apart and my hands bound behind my back while i'm face down on the bench with a blindfold on as he alternatly strikes my a** with a crop and pulls on the clamps on my nipples. The most explosive orgasms ever while i'm fully relaxed this way.


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## inquiringbrain (Nov 19, 2010)

peacefully said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm curious, does cuddling ever lead to sex?
> There is a great book called "The Female Brain" that explains how the female brain is wired differently than the male brain.
> ...


I read The Female Brain, too. (by Dr. Luanne Brizendine) I recommend it for all me, married or not. As males we have no idea what's going on in their head and it confuses us greatly. At least the book will let you know WHY you will never understand women. It's a bit depressing, but men should at least know the truth. As you will discover, even women don't know why they act like they do.

I'm in my second sexless marriage and do understand your frustrations. In both cases it was likely primarily triggered by a loss of her hormones. But there is no effort on her part to meet my needs. 

Of course I found out she married me so her child would have a daddy.

Anyway, men, *never* get married for sex. You have a slim chance that she will be interested very long after eating wedding cake.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Wow 2 sexless marriages?

No wonder I try so hard to turn around the one I have.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You are trying to apply logic to a series of power plays. The reason your sex life dies so fast is that you are not enforcing boundaries. Instead you try to explain why she is being 'unfair', and how it upsets you. She is being unfair on purpose to test your resolve.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hurra said:


> For the past few nights we have not cuddled at all. She goes to bed before me and is hanging by the edge of her edge of the bed facing away from me. This is her typical way to lie in bed. I usually have to reach over or go to her side to touch/hold her, invite or not. So lately I am just sticking to my side of the bed but no reaction or response from her.


This used to be me in bed too, when I was married to my second husband. On my side, facing away from him, curled into a ball, hoping he wouldnt touch me. He only did touch me when he wanted sex, and did it in a way that didnt turn me on, despite my telling him repeatedly what I did like. My two partners since him..never a sex issue!


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