# For those who divorced due to (or largely because of) the lack of sex...



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How'd that go? I'm more referring to explaining things to kids and family, getting along with your ex (if you needed too due to kids, etc.), etc.

I'm not married but have been with the person I'm with now for about eight years, so common law does apply but I'm not really concerned with the financial aspect to much, it is what it is and I know I'll be ok. Tight but ok.

There are other aspects that would impact on me leaving my partner but right now the big one by far is the sex. We've been averaging about once a week for the bulk of the relationship -after the usual higher frequency the first two years or so- but it has largely decreased the past two years now. Not a lot, but I'd say we're down to about once every 10 days now, or about three times a months. So I wasn't happy at once a week and that's now dropped off by another 25 per cent. And its not trending upward, I expect to see things continue to decrease and figure within the next year or so we'll be closer to once every two weeks and will likely keep going down.

I have tried talking about this and she will talk about it, but nothing is promised in terms of working on it nor is there any effort that I've seen to fix it on her behalf. By that I mean I don't see her willing to put in the effort to fix the issue even if the answer was given to her. I think for her she'd be fine if I lost my libido tomorrow. 

Hence why I'm leaning more towards leaving than anything. I've resigned myself to the fact this is almost assuredly to be a situation that will not get fixed and likely will get worse. So for those who have called it quit largely or entirely due to a poor sex life (in your opinion) what did you face and how was the situation received? I've thought about just saying 'irreconcilable differences' to people but I know its possible she could tell people it was due to the sex life -which would be telling the truth- so I may as well brace for the impact. I just don't get the sense ending your relationship over your sex life is something that is well received and easy to explain to people and I have kids and family to explain things too.

The kids we have are two hers and three mine. We do not have a kid together.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

This is your one and only life, it is short and you are worthy of having a fulfilling life.

There is no need to get into the details of divorce to your family and friends, hopefully your happiness is all that matters to them. FWI I simply told people that "our marriage had come to its natural end." There are less than a handful of very close family and friends that I discussed it in more depth with, the kids have no need to ever know the deeper details but I am doing my all to instil in them the importance of a healthy sexual relationship as part of the bigger picture.

All the best with whatever you decide.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

King,
That's not what this is about - so why would you describe it that way. This is about something much more - core. 

In a healthy marriage/LTR each person does a good job of making their partner feel important. 

It's obvious to me, that you feel - taken for granted. Which is the opposite of feeling important. 

So - that is the true statement: I honestly didn't feel like I was that important to K2. And that felt bad. 

End of conversation. End of explanation. Done. Over. 

Anybody who presses you - on WHY - is being nosey. 

But for those who do press for details - just tell them that when you feel taken for granted over a long time, the WHY doesn't matter. 






kingsfan said:


> How'd that go? I'm more referring to explaining things to kids and family, getting along with your ex (if you needed too due to kids, etc.), etc.
> 
> I'm not married but have been with the person I'm with now for about eight years, so common law does apply but I'm not really concerned with the financial aspect to much, it is what it is and I know I'll be ok. Tight but ok.
> 
> ...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

As noted above, this is your life to live and you don't have accountability to anyone not directly impacted by this relationship. Since you don't have kids, that list consists of you and your spouse.

That being said, your expectation is reasonable - "own" it. Once you do you'll be able to blow off those folks who would try to find fault with you. And, you can share any information you want, or none at all.

"This is a private matter" is perfectly acceptable. So is "being disregarded - the root issue here - simply does not work for me. She understood how I felt and did not care". So is "occasional lackluster sex does not work for me".


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What is good about your relationship?

Do you love her?

Does she love you?

What is the history of her family?

Why did she divorce first time round?

Read Neuklas's thread

Bagdon's


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

First, stop talking about lack of sex with her. She knows the problem and it's not on you to fix HER problem. 

Next: Work on yourself. Lose weight if you need to. Start lifting weights. Change yourself up by dressing better. Maybe get a different style haircut. Or grow a goatee or nicely trim beard if you are always clean shaven. 

Don't do those things for her, do them for you.


Basically, you need to up your sex rank higher than hers. If she is a 7 out of a 10....make yourself an 8.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I went out a couple times with a guy who explained the end of his marriage as, "We'd grown apart to the point that we were more roommates than anything else. She was unwilling to work toward fixing our problems, and I couldn't keep living in a loveless marriage where we were both miserable." I thought that was a tactful way to handle it without either lying or oversharing.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> What is good about your relationship?
> 
> Do you love her?
> 
> ...


I don't know where Neukla's thread is. If you could supply a link that'd be great. I haven't been coming around as much as I used to, likely because I have given up on solving the issue a few months back I suppose. 

To answer your Q's, there is several aspects that are good, we do have a lot in common, we spend a fair amount of time together, she makes me laugh and generally speaking we have a good time together. But it's like another world in the bedroom. As Rowan said in her post about the guy she went out with, roommates seems like a good way to describe it. We are good friends, we care about each other, we just have no real sexual chemistry anymore. 

Yes, I do love her and I know she loves me. 

I don't know what you mean about her family history. As for why she divorced the first time, it's a long list of reasons, including physical and verbal abuse. 



jerry123 said:


> First, stop talking about lack of sex with her. She knows the problem and it's not on you to fix HER problem.
> 
> Next: Work on yourself. Lose weight if you need to. Start lifting weights. Change yourself up by dressing better. Maybe get a different style haircut. Or grow a goatee or nicely trim beard if you are always clean shaven.
> 
> ...


You're looking at it from the angle of fixing the problem. I'm past this. Tried it, didn't work. Thanks for the thoughts but I'm more looking at finding a way to end things as positive as possible while prepping for any fallout.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> King,
> That's not what this is about - so why would you describe it that way. This is about something much more - core.
> 
> In a healthy marriage/LTR each person does a good job of making their partner feel important.
> ...


Hey MEM, thanks for the reply. I always enjoy hearing from you.

I guess you can say it is more than just the sex in a sense, but the sex is a central aspect. It's more about how I feel when I get rejected a lot. I started a journal for a bit to see if I was out of my head or not in terms of frequency, rate of rejection, etc. and I wasn't. I think the biggest part that hurts really isn't getting rejected, it's getting rejected by someone that knows its a problem yet declines to take any step towards trying to solve the problem. I've offered to help, but that goes nowhere. I likely could live semi-comfortably with the rate of rejection I'm getting if I knew she was trying to make it better. I know she isn't.

So yes, I do feel taken for granted. I feel like she thinks I wouldn't leave due to sex and as such is calling my bluff. That part hurts more than anything and is why I'm looking at leaving due to the rejection. 

I know that there will be some people who will ask who are just being nosey but some do have a right to know, at least somewhat, namely my mom and all of the kids. This will impact on our kids. Of the five we have, four still live under our roof and needless to say this will be rough on them. I can't just give them a vague, albeit truthful, answer like that. They have a right to know why an important person in their life is now moving out and why the family is being split apart somewhat.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I'm sorry, but the last time I looked, "sex" was an integral part of the marital relationship, or at least, it damned well ought to be!

Given that, the best way to tell the kids about the "split-up" is to truthfully say that "she was just tired of being married" since she no longer felt compelled to exact her end of the bargain within the marriage contract! 

Truthful! Plain and simple!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> How'd that go? I'm more referring to explaining things to kids and family, getting along with your ex (if you needed too due to kids, etc.), etc.
> 
> I'm not married but have been with the person I'm with now for about eight years, so common law does apply but I'm not really concerned with the financial aspect to much, it is what it is and I know I'll be ok. Tight but ok.
> 
> ...


#1 You don't owe anyone but your partner and your kids an explanation. Just tell other people that it didn't work out.

#2 Tell your kids a more detailed (but PG rated) version of #1. We love you very much, but we don't really have the kind of feelings for each other that a husband and a wife should have. We will both always be there for all of you, see each other all the time, etc, etc, etc...

#3 Tell your wife straight up what the issue is. One sentence. "I am not satisfied with my sex life, you don't want to work on it, and I want to find fulfillment with someone else."


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Just remember, sex is never the problem, only a side effect of a problem. If you went from once a week, which a lot of guys would kill for, to every 10 days or 3 times a month, something happened to cause the decline? She may never tell you, but there is a reason.

My main question is, does she know your unhappiness with sex will cause a divorce from her, have you talked about it, to that extreme?

I agree with the others in that it's nobody's business but you two, on the reasons for divorcing. You don't need to state a specific reason, heck, people divorce now for whatever reason that want, from sex to boredom etc. Most people should know by now that long term commitments are fairy tales, reserved for a lucky few.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> Just remember, sex is never the problem, only a side effect of a problem. If you went from once a week, which a lot of guys would kill for, to every 10 days or 3 times a month, something happened to cause the decline? She may never tell you, but there is a reason.


As often as not, the reason is that once a week was really more than she ever wanted in the first place, and this is the long slide to her natural state.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is the best answer. 





marduk said:


> #1 You don't owe anyone but your partner and your kids an explanation. Just tell other people that it didn't work out.
> 
> #2 Tell your kids a more detailed (but PG rated) version of #1. We love you very much, but we don't really have the kind of feelings for each other that a husband and a wife should have. We will both always be there for all of you, see each other all the time, etc, etc, etc...
> 
> #3 Tell your wife straight up what the issue is. One sentence. "I am not satisfied with my sex life, you don't want to work on it, and I want to find fulfillment with someone else."


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Cletus said:


> As often as not, the reason is that once a week was really more than she ever wanted in the first place, and this is the long slide to her natural state.


I agree. My wife was only interested because of the thought of having another baby, this time with me. Once she got older and her chances were gone, she lost interest. She definitely fooled me for a decade.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

woundedwarrior said:


> Just remember, sex is never the problem, only a side effect of a problem. If you went from once a week, which a lot of guys would kill for, to every 10 days or 3 times a month, something happened to cause the decline? She may never tell you, but there is a reason.
> 
> My main question is, does she know your unhappiness with sex will cause a divorce from her, have you talked about it, to that extreme?
> 
> I agree with the others in that it's nobody's business but you two, on the reasons for divorcing. You don't need to state a specific reason, heck, people divorce now for whatever reason that want, from sex to boredom etc. Most people should know by now that long term commitments are fairy tales, reserved for a lucky few.


Trust me, sometimes sex IS the problem.

People have different drives and expectations. Some have a lower drive, some deprioritize sex as they get older, some have romantic idealized notions of sex (should always be spontaneous, romantic, grand gestures, etc).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

They aren't married...


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

marduk said:


> Trust me, sometimes sex IS the problem.
> 
> People have different drives and expectations. Some have a lower drive, some deprioritize sex as they get older, some have romantic idealized notions of sex (should always be spontaneous, romantic, grand gestures, etc).


That might be true in part, if your drives were vastly different from the start and one just went along with it for awhile, but a lot of drives are fueled my passion for their partner. If they are "hot" for their mate, then sex will happen.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> Just remember, sex is never the problem, only a side effect of a problem. If you went from once a week, which a lot of guys would kill for, to every 10 days or 3 times a month, something happened to cause the decline? She may never tell you, but there is a reason.
> 
> My main question is, does she know your unhappiness with sex will cause a divorce from her, have you talked about it, to that extreme?
> 
> I agree with the others in that it's nobody's business but you two, on the reasons for divorcing. You don't need to state a specific reason, heck, people divorce now for whatever reason that want, from sex to boredom etc. Most people should know by now that long term commitments are fairy tales, reserved for a lucky few.


I agree that sex is likely more a side affect than the real root problem, but whatever that problem is she has either not told me or honestly doesn't have a clue. Given that she's not afraid to speak her mind I doubt that it's a matter of not telling me. I figure she doesn't know why her drive is low and slipping and doesn't really care to know.

Does she know? I think so. We've had talks and I have said that when issues with sex get to problematic I will leave, and have said that several times. I however have not actually said they are there right now. That's what I am planning to do however. 

Also, I really don't care what other guys would kill for in terms of frequency. If once every 10 days slipping towards once every two weeks/three weeks/one month/etc. is what they want, they should start looking for that themselves instead of being miserable.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Kingsfan-

My wife and II have been totally sexless for over a year now and nothing is going to bring it back. My wife doesn't care if I date other women. That's a whole different story.

So I went out with a female friend who I have known a very long time. I just haven't seen her lately. She knew something was up years ago when my wife stopped coming to my business mixers. Back the , I told people she had other things to do or we couldn't get a sitter.

So we met for a late lunch. She greeted me with the a solid hug. Wrapping her arms around me. Along with being sexless, Ive been deprived of simple hugs. It felt good.

The late lunch turned into 3 hours of conversation.

So she did ask about my marriage as a friend would. I replied, "we had a loving platonic marriage". She kept digging though. Shs miled and asked "who was the one that didn't want sex"? Not wanting to put blame on my wife, I said, " neither one of us". That still wasn't good enough for her. "Who benefits the most with your "platonic marriage""?


Yes, she was a little nosey, but also just making conversation. She talked about her divorce and why, so I reveled alot after her.

The lunch ended with another longer hug. 

If you have to reveal anything to friends or some future new relationship, I don't know if its wrong to say the relationship became platonic in nature. That seems the norm.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I agree that sex is likely more a side affect than the real root problem, but whatever that problem is she has either not told me or honestly doesn't have a clue. Given that she's not afraid to speak her mind I doubt that it's a matter of not telling me. I figure she doesn't know why her drive is low and slipping and doesn't really care to know.
> 
> Does she know? I think so. We've had talks and I have said that when issues with sex get to problematic I will leave, and have said that several times. I however have not actually said they are there right now. That's what I am planning to do however.
> 
> Also, I really don't care what other guys would kill for in terms of frequency. If once every 10 days slipping towards once every two weeks/three weeks/one month/etc. is what they want, they should start looking for that themselves instead of being miserable.


I understand. I think the key phrase is "she doesn't really care to know". That is the same thing as saying sex no longer matters to me. She may not feel you would ever divorce her over it, so it is important to tell her straight up.

I don't care what relationship you're in, sex won't last forever, it's all a roll of the dice. The only sure way to stay sexually satisfied is to re marry every 8-10 years. I'm not saying to stay miserable, if you are? I'm just saying it's all a crap shoot if your next mate will satisfy you long term any better?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I figure I'm done with relationships for a while. I doubt I'm the type to stay alone forever, or even for a long period of time, but I figure a year at least just to clear my head and get my life back in order, plus I have a few projects I'd like to get at and I'd like to spend time with my kids. At this stage I can't really say there will be a next mate. There likely will be but I have a blase attitude right now towards future relationships and don't really care if I get into another one, and I think that comes from, in part anyway, to the issues in the bedroom. 

At this stage I think I'd rather just jump into some sweatpants, play COD and eat popsicles than go through all the effort and drama of trying to have a good sex life and by extension a good relationship. I'm sure that will change after I've been on my own for a while but right now it just all seems like a big headache.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> I figure I'm done with relationships for a while. I doubt I'm the type to stay alone forever, or even for a long period of time, but I figure a year at least just to clear my head and get my life back in order, plus I have a few projects I'd like to get at and I'd like to spend time with my kids. At this stage I can't really say there will be a next mate. There likely will be but I have a blase attitude right now towards future relationships and don't really care if I get into another one, and I think that comes from, in part anyway, to the issues in the bedroom.
> 
> At this stage I think I'd rather just jump into some sweatpants, play COD and eat popsicles than go through all the effort and drama of trying to have a good sex life and by extension a good relationship. I'm sure that will change after I've been on my own for a while but right now it just all seems like a big headache.


That's the way I felt when wife #1 left. I basically went through a second early teenage phase -- booze and videogames and music. That lasted a few months.

Then some good friends shook me out of that and convinced me to rejoin the human race.

Then I went through a second late teenage phase -- booze and music and babes.

That lasted about 6-9 months. Maybe a year.

Then I gave up dating altogether.

A week later I met my wife.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> How'd that go? I'm more referring to explaining things to kids and family, getting along with your ex (if you needed too due to kids, etc.), etc.
> 
> I'm not married but have been with the person I'm with now for about eight years, so common law does apply but I'm not really concerned with the financial aspect to much, it is what it is and I know I'll be ok. Tight but ok.
> 
> ...


Act MANLY...
Get a hot car...
Get a new suit...
Grow a beard....
Get fit...

Post in six months about how that's working for ya.....:laugh:


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just be ready to be labelled a ********* for leaving her "just" for sex.

Because that's likely what she'll do.

Oh, and go bang the first random guy just to spite you for it and to say "look, he thinks it's great!"

And to make herself feel attractive, too.

Are you ready for all that?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

marduk said:


> Just be ready to be labelled a ********* for leaving her "just" for sex.
> 
> Because that's likely what she'll do.
> 
> ...


Yes I am ready though I doubt she'd go bang a random. But frankly if she does I don't really care. She has to live with it, not me.

I've also never said the sex wasn't great, I said it wasn't occurring often enough.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

How old are your children Kingsfan?

What happened cto the relationship with their mother?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Trickster said:


> How old are your children Kingsfan?
> 
> What happened cto the relationship with their mother?


My three are 15, 12 and 8, her's are 19 and 23. The 23 year old is moved out.

The relation with their mom from whose perspective? Mine or their's?

For me and their mom, it's been very strained. She took the divorce hard and started slandering me on Facebook and I am somewhat well known in my small community (local editor of the paper) so it hit me hard. As such things were strained for a while. We are back to communicating on the children but that's it. We'll never be friends nor do I want to be.

As for her and our kids, she virtually never speaks to our oldest, who moved in with me full-time five years ago. Essentially he was written off at that point. She has part custody of our younger two so there's is a better relationship there.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Yes I am ready though I doubt she'd go bang a random. But frankly if she does I don't really care. She has to live with it, not me.
> 
> I've also never said the sex wasn't great, I said it wasn't occurring often enough.


I'm confused? You want to leave because of lack of sex, but after you leave you don't care one way or another about meeting anyone else and you don't care if your wife sleeps with anyone else??

Is the rest of your relationship really bad? Why not just stay and spend time with your kids, if you're not having sex either way? Have I missed something???


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Some women may truly be done with sex. Actually many would want sex with the right man: money, looks, charm, fame, social status, bad boy attitude. If a woman feels threatened enough by the environment, she may see sex as a natural commodity to barter for security.

Women can resent and reject their husbands for completely mysterious and crazy reasons. 

"You didn't invite Aunt Peggy to our wedding."

"My BIL gave my sister the care she wanted and you bought me a used car from the neighbour down the street."

"My colleague at work is much nicer to his wife than you are to me."

Often these sorts of issues mask some deeper discontent.

Once you reach the stage that you want a solution, it's pretty simple:

1) Get in great shape
2) Get rid of bad habits, e.g., smoking, excessive porn use, etc.
3) Work on self. Do you thing go become happy drop the co dependent role.
4) Do the 180. 
5) Stop initiating sex
6) If she doesn't notice or take action, file for divorce


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Who cares what the reasons are by that point? Just throw in the basket with the rest of the hatreds and resentments. Sex is but one weapon in the arsenal of go f^ck yourself.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Cletus said:


> As often as not, the reason is that once a week was really more than she ever wanted in the first place, and this is the long slide to her natural state.



SLA's in action...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

flipflops said:


> I'd love to have sex every 10 days. I'm lucky if I get it 2-3 times a year. It's not OK with me. Making plans to leave. But you still have a chance.
> 
> Why do you feel you need to explain yourself to others? Seems like there is more to this.


I don't feel the need to explain myself to everyone, but I do to my kids and some family, as I would with any big decision. I am simply seeking input on the reaction people received and how best to handle it.



woundedwarrior said:


> I'm confused? You want to leave because of lack of sex, but after you leave you don't care one way or another about meeting anyone else and you don't care if your wife sleeps with anyone else??
> 
> Is the rest of your relationship really bad? Why not just stay and spend time with your kids, if you're not having sex either way? Have I missed something???


My kids come with me so I'm not losing any time with them in a split. That's not an issue.

Lying in bed next to someone you've been actively wanting for a week or more and who has turned you down and makes no effort to get in the mood is not something I enjoy and frankly I'd prefer to go to bed alone than go to bed next to someone with a raging boner and no hope of getting to use it.

Considering the average is trending downward I'd rather not wait until one week turns into two or three or more.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I don't feel the need to explain myself to everyone, but I do to my kids and some family, as I would with any big decision. I am simply seeking input on the reaction people received and how best to handle it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So have you told her the verdict yet and when do you make the split? Kids usually understand, especially when they can see misery, but in your case, if you two act normally and they're obviously not in the bedroom with you, they may be a shocked and not understanding??

If the decision is made, it's better sooner than later. My sons were very young when my ex and I divorced, they have no idea she cheated and till this day, still don't. I plan to take it to the grave with me. Although I hated to live with the "we grew apart" BS excuse that she gave them, I went with it too, to spare them possible resentment against their Mom.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I asked my husband to leave the house 6 months ago. Divorce is almost completed.

I was debating leaving him because of his lack of interest in sex. Turns out he was having a lot of sex, just not with me. So that helped me make up my mind.

How is that going for me? I am still not having sex because I am single. I am much happier though. I would rather be alone than "with" someone who doesn't want anything to do with me.

I could go get some sex too whenever I want. I just have not had the time.

I am the bad guy with our mutual friends and his family, because I left him over "sex problems." They just don't understand everything that went down. I don't care what they think anymore.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> So have you told her the verdict yet and when do you make the split? Kids usually understand, especially when they can see misery, but in your case, if you two act normally and they're obviously not in the bedroom with you, they may be a shocked and not understanding??
> 
> If the decision is made, it's better sooner than later. My sons were very young when my ex and I divorced, they have no idea she cheated and till this day, still don't. I plan to take it to the grave with me. Although I hated to live with the "we grew apart" BS excuse that she gave them, I went with it too, to spare them possible resentment against their Mom.


I have a few things to get lined up financially and I am going to go see a lawyer so I know what's what and can try to hit the ground running as best I can. I don't foresee things getting ugly (hurt feelings yes but not nasty) but when it comes to relationships you never know and I have kids involved so I don't need to mess something up and have them negatively impacted as a result. 

I'm also considering waiting out until after Christmas as well. It's a tough time for the family right now as mid-October is when my dad died and I know that weighs heavily on my oldest who was really close to his granddad. On the flipside I don't want to do the slow Band-Aid pull, I'd rather just rip it off quickly and be done with it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read about the 180 and execute it.


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## groundpepper (Oct 21, 2015)

Holland said:


> This is your one and only life, it is short and you are worthy of having a fulfilling life.
> 
> There is no need to get into the details of divorce to your family and friends, hopefully your happiness is all that matters to them. FWI I simply told people that "our marriage had come to its natural end." There are less than a handful of very close family and friends that I discussed it in more depth with, the kids have no need to ever know the deeper details but I am doing my all to instil in them the importance of a healthy sexual relationship as part of the bigger picture.
> 
> All the best with whatever you decide.


Agreed. You don't owe anyone an explanation.


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## VizCaya (Oct 19, 2015)

King ,

I like all the opinions you got in this thread ; and advise you to evaluate the real roots of your problem .
Coming from a similar situation , I advise you to look deeper in the problem ; 
In my case lack of intimacy is not the real problem ; it is as said by others too : the symptoms .

She doesn't love you , or at least doesn't love you enough ; because if she does, your desires will be her desires , your pleasure will be her pleasure .

if you can afford a divorce ( emotionally , kids, etc...) ; then you better go for it ; if you are attached to your kids and you dont want to cause trauma to them , then do like me :

MOU : Memorandum of Understanding ...between you and her ; yes , and if she looks at it in an odd way , just tell her , you broke the original contract , an SLA is needed.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I have a few things to get lined up financially and I am going to go see a lawyer so I know what's what and can try to hit the ground running as best I can. I don't foresee things getting ugly (hurt feelings yes but not nasty) but when it comes to relationships you never know and I have kids involved so I don't need to mess something up and have them negatively impacted as a result.
> 
> I'm also considering waiting out until after Christmas as well. It's a tough time for the family right now as mid-October is when my dad died and I know that weighs heavily on my oldest who was really close to his granddad. On the flipside I don't want to do the slow Band-Aid pull, I'd rather just rip it off quickly and be done with it.


If your mind is made up, just tell your wife now. I hate when people put it off because of birthdays, holidays etc, it's going to hurt regardless of when you tell them. She probably senses it anyway, and knows it will come any day now. Would you want to be left wondering or just get it over with now? Rip it off quickly and you both can start the new year fresh.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> I'm also considering waiting out until after Christmas as well. It's a tough time for the family right now as mid-October is when my dad died and I know that weighs heavily on my oldest who was really close to his granddad. On the flipside I don't want to do the slow Band-Aid pull, I'd rather just rip it off quickly and be done with it.


There isn't a "good" time.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

There is a good time. Once you decide, and get your ducks / lawyer / finances lined up, then "now" is the best time.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you set a time to break the news about D, that will give the strength of mind to begin detaching.


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