# Violence during fights, not sure how to move on



## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Hi community,
my husband and I have been married for two years, dating for almost four. We're both quite young and still have to learn a lot about relationships.
We're generally a pretty happy couple and we have a lot in common, laughing about the same things and enjoying spending time together whenever we can. I feel like we're best friends and there's definitely a deep connection between us.
We've always had fights, but in the last months they've sometimes become violent, mainly from my side. We would fight about mostly stupid topics and he would push my buttons until I lose control and start attacking him, mainly by punching him. He knows what he has to do to get me to a point of pure rage, and he never listens to my pleads for him to stop or remove himself from the situation to avoid an escalation. He usually stands there calling me names and seemingly enjoying his position of power. As soon as I get violent, he calls me a psychopath, insane, and tells me I have no control over myself. This hurts especially because I have a history with depression and I'm sensitive to such comments about my mental health; He knows this as I've told him several times how much those insults hurt me. However, he's probably right; I've been feeling so terrible about not being able to control my rage. He also calls me an abuser, and threatens to tell everyone that I hurt him. He's yelled it through our apartment complex before. I've never been a violent person at all, these outbursts are so out of character and make me feel like I don't even know who I am. 
He never hit me back until today. All he has done was hold me (sometimes very tight so it'd hurt) in self defense or push me away, and that did hurt because I'm not a very strong person and would usually fall to the floor.
Today things escalated in a different way. We were fighting in the kitchen and he was ignoring me, which he knows makes me very upset. More and more things happened and he ended up pouring dishsoap/water all over my back so I was completely soaked. This made me furious and I started attacking him. I went towards the room to get out of the situation, but I was so angry that I threw one of his empty tupperwear things from his desk on the floor. When he heard this he followed me, grabbed me and hit me in the face twice. My lip bust and bled. I was so shocked that I didn't even feel any pain, I honestly had it coming that he would hit back at some point and I guess I deserve this, but I still can't believe it. I feel like I don't even know who he is, and I have no idea how to come back from this. He's been trying to approach me, has apologized several times for hurting me and has been trying to make me hopeful that we can overcome this situation; and I want to, but I don't know how. I feel like we're bringing out the worst in eachother. I love him so much and I want nothing more than to erase what happened today and to move on, but I don't know where to start. Every time we fight I swear to myself that I will never hurt him again, and he's promised to help me in the past but when we argue he still provokes me until breaking point.
Have any of you gone through something similar? Any kind of advice is appreciated, I feel really terrible right now and don't know how to move forward.
(Therapy isn't really an option; I've tried that several times and haven't really made any good experiences.)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Best therapy for you would be for both of you to spend a night in jail followed by a restraining order. If I was your husband I would leave you. He should not have hit you, but you should have walked out and not kept provoking. 

Get help. One night you are going to snap and kill him, or he you. 

Back in the last election in 2012 in Gilbert, Arizona, a woman who hated Obama ran her husband over with their car when she found out he had not voted. Ran him over and put him in the hospital for three weeks. Crushed his pelvis. She was pregnant at the time. Her husband divorced her and took her child with him. She did three years in prison and will probably never get any kind of shared custody of her child. 

If you think you would not be capable of something like this you are deluding yourself. Get help.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

You are so wrong to assume this. How can you accuse me of being able to kill my husband? You're literally calling me crazy and comparing me to a woman who killed her husband for not voting. None of that is fair.
I feel terrible about getting violent and I know there is no excuse for it but I must mention that I have never left a mark on him and I know I'd never be capable of seriously hurting him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Seems to me like a case of man who has an abusive side who is trying to make you like him so his demons can convince him to continue being abusive. Yada yada after a while this dynamic will bring out the worst in the both of you. It has to stop, and for that to happen one of you will need to take a more mature stance to identify the causes of these escalations and resolve it.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

sakura1 said:


> You are so wrong to assume this. How can you accuse me of being able to kill my husband? You're literally calling me crazy and comparing me to a woman who killed her husband for not voting. None of that is fair.
> I feel terrible about getting violent and I know there is no excuse for it but I must mention that I have never left a mark on him and I know I'd never be capable of seriously hurting him.


OP, he is right. It can escalate to that point. This is the cycle of domestic violence. Those involved never think it's going to reach that point but if not dealt with it usually it does become something simply shocking.



sakura1 said:


> I've never been a violent person at all, these outbursts are so out of character and make me feel like I don't even know who I am.


The outburst are out of character so what's to say you won't be sitting in a police interrogation room saying something more serious you did was "out of character" too (or your husband). You don't have a lot of self-awareness. You just admitted that. You two must get some professional help fast. And I am not saying this in jest. THIS WILL ESCALATE.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So basically it's your husband's fault that you hit him. That's all I'm getting from your post. It's your fault for hitting him, and it's his fault for verbally abusing you. You both should get some serious help, and divorce one another. You are both out of control, but if you remain together, you should stop blaming your husband for why you hit him.

And hitting someone maybe one time (still wrong) may be ''out of character,'' but you are past that point. It's not about being out of character, it's about that you need help for whatever it is that is causing you to hit your husband, and he needs help, too. But, honestly? You both sound miserably incompatible.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Thanks for the advice. That's why I'm asking how to put an end to this, but it really isn't fair to accuse me of being capable to kill my husband?! Did my post really make me sound like such a kind of monster?
I might suggest couple's therapy to him but he hasn't seemed too open to the idea in the past.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> You are so wrong to assume this. How can you accuse me of being able to kill my husband? You're literally calling me crazy and comparing me to a woman who killed her husband for not voting. None of that is fair.
> I feel terrible about getting violent and I know there is no excuse for it but I must mention that I have never left a mark on him and I know I'd never be capable of seriously hurting him.


That lady in Arizona probably thought the same. But she was pregnant, hormonal, and she and her husband were suffering financial problems. Beforehand, according to the news reports, neither she or her ex had ever had issues of violence in their marriage. A perfect storm of triggers caused a normally law-abiding woman to attempt to kill her best friend and father of her child. 

You are in a far worse situation than she was.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sakura1 said:


> Thanks for the advice. That's why I'm asking how to put an end to this, but it really isn't fair to accuse me of being capable to kill my husband?! Did my post really make me sound like such a kind of monster?
> I might suggest couple's therapy to him but he hasn't seemed too open to the idea in the past.


If my fiance hits me one time, I'm out. Your husband should leave you, honestly. No one deserves to be hit.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

I never said that it was my husband's fault and I know that it's not! I really didn't mean to come across that way. We're both at fault and I'm not looking for someone to blame, I'm looking for advice on how to move forward and from what I understand that seems to be professional help.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> Thanks for the advice. That's why I'm asking how to put an end to this, but it really isn't fair to accuse me of being capable to kill my husband?! Did my post really make me sound like such a kind of monster?
> I might suggest couple's therapy to him but he hasn't seemed too open to the idea in the past.


You are making excuses. Demand that you and him get help, or separate until the two of you can get a handle on this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> I never said that it was my husband's fault and I know that it's not! I really didn't mean to come across that way. We're both at fault and I'm not looking for someone to blame, I'm looking for advice on how to move forward and from what I understand that seems to be professional help.


If he won't get help, then you go get help. You can control you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sakura1 said:


> I never said that it was my husband's fault and I know that it's not! I really didn't mean to come across that way. We're both at fault and I'm not looking for someone to blame, I'm looking for advice on how to move forward and from what I understand that seems to be professional help.


Your OP is riddled with how your husband knows what buttons to push, and how you're sensitive to certain comments, and how he pushes you....etc...

These comments are you not seeing that he has nothing to do with how you react. If you are married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man, leave him. Don't hit him. I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't leave right away, but abusive people usually don't change. It's not impossible, but the guy I was with used to say the same things as you're saying ''look what you made me do!'' or ''you know how to get to me...'' etc.

He always blamed me. Unless you realize that your violent actions have nothing to do with your husband, then you won't change. But, your marriage sounds toxic, honestly...and maybe you both just should separate and really think about if you both make sense staying together. And get help during that time.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

How can I tell a person (therapist) that I've hit my husband? I'm so ashamed, and the judgement I'm receiving here is making me even more scared. I don't think I'm a horrible person but I really seem to come across that way


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> How can I tell a person (therapist) that I've hit my husband? I'm so ashamed, and the judgement I'm receiving here is making me even more scared. I don't think I'm a horrible person but I really seem to come across that way


You go in and tell her the same thing you told us. Therapists are not there to judge. They are there to treat. 

I don't think you are a horrible person. You are caught in a toxic situation that both you and hubby have allowed to happen. The fact that you are here talking about it shows me you are cognizant there is a problem. Abusers do not generally have this self-awareness.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sakura1 said:


> How can I tell a person (therapist) that I've hit my husband? I'm so ashamed, and the judgement I'm receiving here is making me even more scared. I don't think I'm a horrible person but I really seem to come across that way


Shame and guilt are not bad things, if they propel us to change. Use those feelings to help yourself learn and get better. There is something causing you to act out like this, and you need to figure it out. Because if you don't, you might end up in jail...if not over this husband, another guy if this guy leaves you. I don't think you're a horrible person, but your actions are horrible.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Therapy, Therapy, Therapy for both of you.

You both should be ashamed of acting this way, you for hitting and him provoking. Unless you both get help now you are just going to keep on being poison for each other.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

sakura1 said:


> How can I tell a person (therapist) that I've hit my husband? I'm so ashamed, and the judgement I'm receiving here is making me even more scared. I don't think I'm a horrible person but I really seem to come across that way


Only broken, imperfect people here, OP. Don't bother trying to look pristine, pressed, and starched. You're in good company. I think we all have a rap sheet and a closet full of bones. The good thing is that you are here looking for help. The terrible thing is people who won't admit that they have a problem when it is clear to everyone around them that they do. Seek the help.


An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. --Orlando Aloysius Battista
(^I don't like the way it's worded but the message it sends is a good one.)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You mentioned that therapy really isn't an option since you have tried it before and it wasn't a good experience. It sounds like you just haven't found the right therapist yet. Trying to manage your anger on your own doesn't sound like it's working. 

As far as the type of fights you and your husband engage in ... not healthy at all. Okay he hits your buttons. You hit his buttons. Maybe both of you should separate for the time being and each work on your anger issues. OTOH, if you feel this may be beyond repair, might be time to move on.

I'm sorry you don't like some of the responses you are receiving here, but you are getting feedback from total strangers out in cyberspace. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Thank you for your responses. I'm not sure what I expected and I'm taking this as the wakeup call I needed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> Thank you for your responses. I'm not sure what I expected and I'm taking this as the wakeup call I needed.


Was there violence in your home growing up? In your husband's?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> You are so wrong to assume this. How can you accuse me of being able to kill my husband? You're literally calling me crazy and comparing me to a woman who killed her husband for not voting. None of that is fair.
> I feel terrible about getting violent and I know there is no excuse for it but I must mention that I have never left a mark on him and I know I'd never be capable of seriously hurting him.


Many people who kill their spouse didn't really mean to. 

You both need professional help.

A great deal of the information and advice we can provide is country specific. Could you please tell us at least the country where you reside so I can tailor the advice and links I can provide you with?


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Both our parents used to lightly smack us when we were misbehaving as a way of discipline. My father hit me harder a couple of times, but I must say I was a terrible teenager.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> Both our parents used to lightly smack us when we were misbehaving as a way of discipline. My father hit me harder a couple of times, but I must say I was a terrible teenager.


How about your husband? Did he have control issues with his mom?


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> A great deal of the information and advice we can provide is country specific. Could you please tell us at least the country where you reside so I can tailor the advice and links I can provide you with?


We're German. Thank you for any help


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> How about your husband? Did he have control issues with his mom?


Not that I know of - she raised him by herself, and because she also worked she wasn't home very often. When he was a little older, his older sister looked after him, and she has a pretty dominant personality. He's mentioned being afraid of her when he was little but they have a good relationship now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> Not that I know of - she raised him by herself, and because she also worked she wasn't home very often. When he was a little older, his older sister looked after him, and she has a pretty dominant personality. He's mentioned being afraid of her when he was little but they have a good relationship now.


Has he shown controlling behavior throughout you marriage? Have you? I see a serious control dynamic between you two.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Has he shown controlling behavior throughout you marriage? Have you? I see a serious control dynamic between you two.


I'm honestly not sure how exactly I'd identify controlling behavior, but I'd like to think that there hasn't been any. We both give eachother freedom and aren't overly jealous, our relationship seems pretty healthy other than the terrible fights but I guess the fact that we have those turns our whole relationship into something that has a lot of room to improve.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> I'm honestly not sure how exactly I'd identify controlling behavior, but I'd like to think that there hasn't been any. We both give eachother freedom and aren't overly jealous, our relationship seems pretty healthy other than the terrible fights but I guess the fact that we have those turns our whole relationship into something that has a lot of room to improve.


This is fixable Satura. You can fix yourself. You cannot fix him. If he won't meet you halfway things will not improve.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Was your H like this before you two married, pushing your buttons? Were you like this before marriage, hitting and punching him? Could be once you two felt you "had" the other, your true emotions came out.

Contact a domestic violence shelter and find some therapists. You want/need IC, NOT MC as abusive people should never have therapy together as the abused person usually shuts down and nothing constructive is accomplished.

Time apart while you work on this issue may help you both. However, is should be with no dating of anyone else although you two can date each other if you make progress.

IamSomebody


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

No, neither of us ever got violent before we got married. We were in a long distance relationship though and only moved together when we got married, that was quite a shock too because we went from not seeing each other for months at a time to seeing each other every single day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sakura1 said:


> We're German. Thank you for any help


» Germany International Therapist Directory

Marriage Counseling Germany: Family Counseling DE Professional Counselors Services and Telephone on lifelinecounselingministry.org

Couple Therapy Berlin - Couples Therapy Berlin

I hope the above links will be of some help to you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The baiting you until you snap is a passive/aggressive move. One which you seem unable to recognize. If you recognized it, you could end the discussion before you escalate. Maybe he's been wanting to pop you one for a while, now, so he baits you and when the time is right he lets loose and claims self-defense. A flying Tupperware container is hardly motive for belting you in the mouth.

Your actions are yours to own and his are his. Seriously consider marriage counseling. The fact that you can inflict minimal damage on him is no excuse for losing your control. As you've learned, he not only can but is willing to inflict damage upon you. Some resentments going on there.

Learn better coping methods than fisticuffs. You will lose, guarandamnteed.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Thank you for the answers, this is really eye opening. We've had a discussion and are on good terms again, marriage counselling is on the table.
Another question - how do I even move on? How do I live with myself knowing I hurt the person I love most?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Another question - how do I even move on? How do I live with myself knowing I hurt the person I love most?"

Says the person nursing a split lip. You recognize that you two were engaged in unhealthy behavior and that you will be learning better ways to interact. This was a case of 'it takes two to tango'. Neither party is innocent. Both are guilty.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sakura1 said:


> Thanks for the advice. That's why I'm asking how to put an end to this, but it really isn't fair to accuse me of being capable to kill my husband?! Did my post really make me sound like such a kind of monster?


Yes, it did. 

You are taking NO RESPONSIBILITY. I mean, you come here and say I have been hitting him - a lot. 

But then you turn right around and say I have issues, he knows how to push my buttons, he eggs me on, yada yada yada.

The first step in stopping is being a grownup and admitting you have REAL issues, and NO 'but' attached to it. 

Are you capable of that? 

Start now.

If you aren't, you should be seeing a therapist every single week until until you work through whatever crap is behind your inability - and fixing it.

Bottom line, it takes two people to have a fight. Stop blaming him. Am I mad that he hit you? Yeah. But you're not such a great package, either, at this point.

But you CAN be. But that change starts with you. And a therapist. ONE of you has to grow up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sakura1 said:


> How can I tell a person (therapist) that I've hit my husband? I'm so ashamed, and the judgement I'm receiving here is making me even more scared. I don't think I'm a horrible person but I really seem to come across that way


Therapists never judge.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sakura1 said:


> I'm honestly not sure how exactly I'd identify controlling behavior,


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
Tell tale signs, is your partner is too controlling?
Identifying a Controlling, Dominating Husband or Wife

Note that these might be true of either of you.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

sakura1 said:


> Hi community,
> my husband and I have been married for two years, dating for almost four. We're both quite young and still have to learn a lot about relationships.
> We're generally a pretty happy couple and we have a lot in common, laughing about the same things and enjoying spending time together whenever we can. I feel like we're best friends and there's definitely a deep connection between us.
> We've always had fights, but in the last months they've sometimes become violent, mainly from my side. We would fight about mostly stupid topics and he would push my buttons until I lose control and start attacking him, mainly by punching him. He knows what he has to do to get me to a point of pure rage, and he never listens to my pleads for him to stop or remove himself from the situation to avoid an escalation. He usually stands there calling me names and seemingly enjoying his position of power. As soon as I get violent, he calls me a psychopath, insane, and tells me I have no control over myself. This hurts especially because I have a history with depression and I'm sensitive to such comments about my mental health; He knows this as I've told him several times how much those insults hurt me. However, he's probably right; I've been feeling so terrible about not being able to control my rage. He also calls me an abuser, and threatens to tell everyone that I hurt him. He's yelled it through our apartment complex before. I've never been a violent person at all, these outbursts are so out of character and make me feel like I don't even know who I am.
> ...


All of us make excuses on some level. But never more so when it comes to family violence. The excuses for spousal assault have to absolutely sound very good and very convincing. This is especially true for family members who are looking for anything and everything to help make sense of how you are acting a certain way. It’s a last attempt at rationalizing family violence, because family violence is a really irrational thing.

One of the most common excuses from the aggressor (In this case it's you) of family violence is guess what? “You made me mad”. “Well if you wouldn’t push my buttoms to make me so mad, I wouldn’t have hit you”. Instead of focusing on your behavior that could land you in jail, cost you a job… your focus was rationalizing your extreme behavior by “shifting” the blame to your husband's actions. Had he called for a police unit, you would have been charged with a Family Violence Assault that would have been devastating to you and your marriage. It would have had effects on both sides of the family.

Anger, words, stress… these things don’t cause family violence. Your next stance will be “I know a lot of people and I've never acted like this before. How come no one makes me this angry but you??” Individual actions are always choices we make. How do you react when you get angry at other people? You wouldn’t ever assault your family, like your mother, or even co-workers. Can you imagine if you got really angry at your boss at work and assaulted them? You know you can’t get away with that kind of behavior towards others. There would be instant consequences whereas with your husband, he'll keep things secret until he makes the actual call to police on you. Your husband is not the only person in the world that makes you mad. You just know that your husband is the only one that has accepted your behavior.

Being able to recognize excuses for what they are, should bring you to the realization that assault from a domestic dispute is never the fault of the person receiving it. The fault falls on your own behavior and not on anyone else.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> "Another question - how do I even move on? How do I live with myself knowing I hurt the person I love most?"
> 
> Says the person nursing a split lip. You recognize that you two were engaged in unhealthy behavior and that you will be learning better ways to interact. This was a case of 'it takes two to tango'. Neither party is innocent. Both are guilty.


Thank you. I really had to hear that.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

turnera said:


> Yes, it did.
> 
> You are taking NO RESPONSIBILITY. I mean, you come here and say I have been hitting him - a lot.
> 
> ...


I've realized that. Honestly this thread has been quite eye opening and I'm glad I posted it. It's not nice to hear those things but it's true - I have to stop lying to myself and accept that I'm the aggressor in this situation and that I have to put a stop to it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seriously, please don't start taking all responsibility for this. He is clearly choosing to participate. And when I was raised, a man NEVER hit a woman, ever, no matter what she does. So he's got some crap to work through.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

I think you misunderstood me, I'm not taking all the blame. I realize that we've both made mistakes and what I'm saying is that I have to stop making excuses and own up to mine.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its always difficult to know from only hearing one side. What I see though is that your husband is an emotional abuser, and you are a physical abuser. 

When you say he "pushes your buttons" what is he actually saying? Sometimes abusers will say that their partners did something to deserve it. I don't know in your case.

In any case, you should not be near each other and need to stay apart before one of you is seriously hurt and the other is in prison. Meanwhile you both need therapy. Really. This is not normal behavior.


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## sakura1 (Nov 13, 2016)

uhtred said:


> When you say he "pushes your buttons" what is he actually saying? Sometimes abusers will say that their partners did something to deserve it. I don't know in your case.


It's mainly calling me names he knows hurt me, laughing at me, and occasionally threats like saying he will tell my parents (he knows them very well) about certain things I don't want to discuss with them, other threats as well. Physically he doesn't get out of the way or leave the room even when I ask him 10 times to do so, yesterday he poured water over me which was a first. 
He doesn't say I deserve the name calling and I've never ever told him he deserves my abuse. We had a very long talk yesterday and I feel like we both understood how terrible the things we've been doing have been. We're going to get help and we agreed that if this ever happens again (we will try everything so it doesn't) we will have a serious talk about going separate ways.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing to remember about another person 'saying' things to you: People can say anything they want; it's whether you lower yourself to take the bait. 

I have low self esteem, but I'm smart enough to know that when someone does that, all it does to me is show me how stupid they are, or how insecure they are, or ignorant, basically someone I should feel sorry for. If he calls you a name, try agreeing with him.

I'm serious. You're stupid! "You're right. I am stupid. Aren't we all?" And walk away. You just took the wind out of his sail. 

Only YOU allow words to control you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> Seriously, please don't start taking all responsibility for this. He is clearly choosing to participate. And when I was raised, a man NEVER hit a woman, ever, no matter what she does. So he's got some crap to work through.


I was raised this way also, Turnera, and I still think a guy who beats his woman is a punk who needs to get dragged out to the front yard and have the sh!t kicked out of him by a group of about five men. 

But nowadays? ...if my woman or any woman slaps or hits me I have no issue with giving her a firm flat-handed smack upside her face, once, to get her attention and get her away from me. That is self defense. She could have a small knife in her hand... a pencil.....you just never know anymore. The stakes have been raised over the last 50 years. This isn't Ozzie and Harriet anymore.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Its always difficult to know from only hearing one side. What I see though is that your husband is an emotional abuser, and you are a physical abuser.
> 
> When you say he "pushes your buttons" what is he actually saying? Sometimes abusers will say that their partners did something to deserve it. I don't know in your case.
> 
> In any case, you should not be near each other and need to stay apart before one of you is seriously hurt and the other is in prison. Meanwhile you both need therapy. Really. This is not normal behavior.


Emotional abuse won't land her husband in jail. Her smacking him will land her in jail. There is no law against verbal or emotional abuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

come on, bandit. You can't deflect a woman's arm without hitting her in the face?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> come on, bandit. You can't deflect a woman's arm without hitting her in the face?


I can catch a woman's arm and restrain her, but sometimes they clock you without you seeing it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it's without you seeing it, why do you hit back?


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

Therapy only works when someone REALLY WANTS to change for the better.


sakura1 said:


> Hi community,
> my husband and I have been married for two years, dating for almost four. We're both quite young and still have to learn a lot about relationships.


Google: Relationship Skills and both of you get busy learning how to make yours work better!



> We're generally a pretty happy couple and we have a lot in common, laughing about the same things and enjoying spending time together whenever we can. I feel like we're best friends and there's definitely a deep connection between us.


If any of that were even remotely true, you would not be having these brutal, violent fights!



> We've always had fights, but in the last months they've sometimes become violent, mainly from my side. We would fight about mostly stupid topics and he would push my buttons until I lose control and start attacking him, mainly by punching him.


This happens where folks have very bad self esteem and extreme insecurities so they are easily triggered and become violent and abusive.



> He knows what he has to do to get me to a point of pure rage, and he never listens to my pleads for him to stop or remove himself from the situation to avoid an escalation.


You are both caught in the same ugly patterns of bad self esteem and self contempt which makes him tease and torment you and you become triggered by him. You both NEED therapy!



> (Therapy isn't really an option; I've tried that several times and haven't really made any good experiences.)


Therapy and Self Esteem work helped me stop over-reacting to my 1st wife and finally leave her since she had no intentions of ever giving up her violent, abusive style of controlling me! Once I realized that I deserved a better life - I WALKED AWAY FROM HER!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sakura1 said:


> Hi community,
> my husband and I have been married for two years, dating for almost four. We're both quite young and still have to learn a lot about relationships.
> We're generally a pretty happy couple and we have a lot in common, laughing about the same things and enjoying spending time together whenever we can. I feel like we're best friends and there's definitely a deep connection between us.
> We've always had fights, but in the last months they've sometimes become violent, mainly from my side. We would fight about mostly stupid topics and he would push my buttons until I lose control and start attacking him, mainly by punching him. He knows what he has to do to get me to a point of pure rage, and he never listens to my pleads for him to stop or remove himself from the situation to avoid an escalation. He usually stands there calling me names and seemingly enjoying his position of power. As soon as I get violent, he calls me a psychopath, insane, and tells me I have no control over myself. This hurts especially because I have a history with depression and I'm sensitive to such comments about my mental health; He knows this as I've told him several times how much those insults hurt me. However, he's probably right; I've been feeling so terrible about not being able to control my rage. He also calls me an abuser, and threatens to tell everyone that I hurt him. He's yelled it through our apartment complex before. I've never been a violent person at all, these outbursts are so out of character and make me feel like I don't even know who I am.
> ...


You know what's scary about this post? This is almost EXACTLY what abusive men say, when they try to blame the women they are abusing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sakura1 said:


> Thank you for the answers, this is really eye opening. We've had a discussion and are on good terms again, marriage counselling is on the table.
> Another question - how do I even move on? How do I live with myself knowing I hurt the person I love most?


You use it for motivation to change.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If he is as awful as you say why do you want to be around him. Seriously I think you two should separate before something really gets out of hand and changes both your lives forever. We don't know but either this man is abusing emotionally to the point that you react in violence, or you are exaggerating and acting to the point of violence. Either way this is not a good thing and you need to separate at least until you learn how to argue in a healthy manner.

I will tell you this someone I am in a relationship throws water on me during an argument and there is a good chance I am done with that person. I think already there have been warning signs where if you had healthy boundaries you would have left. Love is not enough to put up with this crap in your life. 

Break it off and seek help to control your anger.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sakura1 said:


> Hi community,
> my husband and I have been married for two years, dating for almost four. We're both quite young and still have to learn a lot about relationships.
> We're generally a pretty happy couple and we have a lot in common, laughing about the same things and enjoying spending time together whenever we can. I feel like we're best friends and there's definitely a deep connection between us.
> We've always had fights, but in the last months they've sometimes become violent, mainly from my side. We would fight about mostly stupid topics and he would push my buttons until I lose control and start attacking him, mainly by punching him.


You are breaking the law.

Domestic violence is never ok.

Get professional help before you end up serving jail time.


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## MrBond (Nov 17, 2012)

I haven't read the whole thread. But OP you do what my wife does. You probably think that being a woman gives you the right to physically abuse your husband. 
I suspect you lash out after he does something you dont like - and when you complain he doesnt take it seriously enough - so you become enraged and start the punching. You say you leave no marks on him? I think that is unlikely. Yes you are like my wife - who is good enough until there is a verbal disagreement - or a bread crumb is dropped - and then you get the pleasure of a mule kick on the back of the thigh for your clumsiness. Or a cup of cold water thrown at you from behind. 

So one day your partner hit back. There it could escalate - either one of you is in danger - he is no doubt storing up his resentment and humiliation at being abused - he owes you a big payback and I am sure he can hit hard. So watch out. Men sometimes do explode and kill their abusive female partners. I draw the line at hitting back. But then we have a child so I try to minimise the abuse in the household by complying - doing whatever is necessary. 

So I urge you both not to consider bringing a child into this abusive household like I did. Get your birth control methods right! It sounds like you should split up before someone gets badly hurt.


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