# I'm lost and don't know what to do



## Mommawolf (Apr 6, 2011)

I have been married to my husband for 19 years and would have never thought in a million years he was capable of cheating. My 1st husband cheated on me with my best friend and my sister so although I trusted my husband, the fear of him cheating has always been in the back of my mind. My husband and I have been married since I was a teenager and he was barely 21. We have endured endless trials and tribulations in our marriage, including the death of an infant son, but have always been there for each other no matter what.

My husbands Husband's BFF(yes, bff) (HBFF) has lived with us for about 8 years. He has not only become my bff, but has become a parent figure to my 4 children, even taking them school clothes shopping every week. And he has also become my best friend. The person I could confide in, talk to and enjoy spending time with. Granted my husband and him spent more time together than we did but it was nice to have the HBFF around. You see, right before the HBFF moved in, my older brother, who lived with me during his final years, passed away from brain tumors. My brother was the only family I had that I was close to. So, in a way, the HBFF kind of filled the emptiness I had from my brother dying. We even introduce ourselves still as brother and sister. 

I heard alot of stories when my husband and I got together about the sexual escapades the HBFF had while going through highschool and early 20s. I even had to endure stories of a 3some they had. They were awful for me to hear and always made me feel uneasy about the HBFF. When my husband and I were first married the HBFF was going through his "stripper years" dating all kinds of strippers and was not allowed to come to my home after he brought over a stripper and proceeded to show pictures of her naked to my husband while the stripper pranced around. Needless to say he was banned from my home until he was done with that phase, which was about 10 years into our marriage. The HBFF has always had many MANY different sexual relationships over the years and always seems to choose the psycho women. The ones that just won't let go without breaking a window or trying to run him over with a car. His most recent nutcase that he began seeing was Jennifer. A married nutcase with 2 children that don't live with her. They were seeing each other for about 3 years. Only sexual supposedly but that's really none of my business. She forked over endless amounts of money to him and even left her husband because she thought the HBFF would have a relationship with her. NOT. She was never even allowed in my home. I don't know what it was about her, but I met her once and just didn't trust her. I told the HBFF to keep her away from my family because I didn't like her. He supposedly complied. The HBFF would use Jennifer anytime he wanted to go to the Casino or needed sex. Jennifer continually forked over the money and whatever the HBFF wanted. The HBFF even decided he wanted her to sleep with all HIS friends and she even complied. Some of them she barely knew their name, but would video tape herself doing things with men/women/animals you name it and send it to the HBFF. The more stories I heard of her, the more I would vocalize that I wanted her to stay away from me and my family. She was just nuts as far as I was concerned.

6 months ago we decided to move many states away to be closer to my husband's family. We had came here on vacation and decided it would be the perfect place to raise our last 2 children. We left the HBFF in our home we used to live in until it sold. I didn't think the HBFF would last long alone in the home because it was so full of laughter for so many years. I raised 11 nieces and nephews including my own children in the home so our entire family was always used to having large amounts of people spending time together. Well, a few months after we moved, the HBFF was involved in a horrific auto accident in which he almost died. It was during winter so there was no way we could travel on the roads to see him in the hospital. He was out of work for weeks left to sit in the big empty house in which there once was so much family. He came up to visit during christmas and it was just what everyone needed. To be a big family again. Shortly after returning home from Christmas, he learned his CDL license was getting suspended because of his wreck so decided that he couldn't live without the family anymore, so he says, and decided he was moving to be closer with us. Mind you, at present time we are still living with my mother in law, so we had to get consent from her for the HBFF to move with us. Everything approved so he moved here with us.

I asked him what he told Jennifer about him moving and he stated that he didn't. He told her that he was going to be back in a few months after his license was re-instated. That way he could still get money from her when he needed it. Idiot that this woman is, she wired him money several times while he was here. After the final time of her wiring money she began to tell the HBFF that she was coming to visit him. The HBFF told her absolutely not. She was not allowed to come here. All the time they were text messaging back and forth arguing, the HBFF was telling me what she was saying and how angry she was getting. Next thing I know he's saying he is breaking up with her. She began saying she was in the car driving to where we are, which is about 18 hours from her. The HBFF then tells her that he is seeing someone new who is pregnant with his child. She then says "Well if I can't have you then no one will". This one comment scared the heck out of me. What kind of woman says stuff like that. All of a sudden he goes quiet and stops reading texts to me for about 30 min. I could see the HBFF was getting upset and when I asked him what was wrong, he said that she was making threats that if he did not get back with her that she was going to tell me everything. When I asked what that meant he said he didn't know. She then texted him saying she was going to tell me everything and that it would ruin my marriage. Questioning him more he still said he had no idea what he was talking about. (The HBFF has become such a good liar over the years I've never known if you could believe him or not.) He then claims he's going to "play along" with her and begins sending her texts begging her not to say anything. Mind you he's telling me what he's texting her but telling me he's just messing with her. I told him to give her my number and tell her to contact me and I will put an end to these threats. Another 15 minutes of the text messaging goes by and I can see the HBFF getting more concerned. He then tells me that she's threatening to send my children a message on facebook and tell my children (ages 19, 18, 16 & 9) everything if he breaks up with her. The whole time the HBFF is telling me he doesn't know what she's talking about. I finally told him to tell her to leave my kids out of it. I sat and thought for a few minutes and finally decided to contact her via facebook. I sent her a message and told her to stay the hell away from my kids. She then proceeds to ask me if I care to know the times and places she has been having sex with my husband. I immediately tell her she's lying but feel the need to know more. When I ask her how, she then proceeds to tell me every nasty detail of what she's claiming. Telling me that the HBFF arranged everything and that it has been going on for a couple years. As she proceeds to tell me that there is proof of the affairs and that my husband had registered motel rooms in his name and that she could get proof of the receipts. I told her I wasn't going to take her word for things because of her past history and that I needed proof. She then proceeds to talk specifically about the places they have had sex. (my husband's makeup of his workplace which is off limit to the public and most people don't have access to) My husband's specific body (he had gastric bypass surgery and has lots of excess skin from loosing so much weight.. a tale that he doesn't let anyone know but that the HBFF could have spoken to her about I guess) even talking about them having sex in a second hand store bathroom. Oral sex gifts for my husband's birthday.. A threesome with the HBFF and my husband. and that the HBFF had set everything up, although my husband was a %100 willing participant. 

I sat.. devastated and shaking. Throwing up. The entire time I was talking to her my husband was freaking out and trying to get me to stop. My daughter even told me that he was trying to get her to block her on facebook behind my back so she couldn't contact me. Still needing proof I gave her my cell phone number to text me so that I could get to the bottom of it. My husband was just acting suspicious to me so it all wasn't adding up. My husband and I had just returned from a trip from our old state a few weeks ago and she was telling me that the HBFF and my husband were trying to set up a session of sex while we were there. My husband denied it all. I stormed out of the house so that I could text her without my husband following and he never once called to see where I was or anything. After returning and confronting my husband with what I knew, he dismissed it all as lies and said she knew all the specifics about his job and body from having conversations with the HBFF. This psycho woman continued to spam me all night, even though I continued to tell her I didn't believe her and that I needed proof or leave me alone. She claimed she was going to get records of her text messages and get copies of the motel receipts. All of which she has never produced. 

For the next 24 hours it was the most awful feeling. Not knowing who to believe or who to not believe. Endless questioning of my husband and the HBFF turned up with complete denial. I took my husband's cell phone memory card and told him that I had a program to get all the deleted text messages off his phone. He still denied everything but would not let me take the card at all, claiming that if I had a program like that it would mess up his hours of work he had on this memory card. He never let me leave his side with the card. It was hours of arguing until he finally let me leave with it. After returning home with the card an hour later I told him I just needed to know the truth. My husband finally says he will tell me the truth as long as I agree not to tell anyone (namely the kids). He coughs up a story about how he had met her while MY van was being worked on at a shop. My husband and I had gotten into a bad argument before he left. When he got to the tire store, she was in the HBFF car so he knew it was her. The 2 went to coffee where he sat and complained about our marriage for a couple hours. Which shocks me because EVERYONE in this town knows who me and my husband are. Why would he take a risk like that. She claims he told her that he didn't care if he got caught anymore and had even invited her to come to my house. 

When they returned to see if their cars were done, he said they weren't so he said he was going to walk across the street to a second hand store (a store that we went to all the time). She asked if she could go and he said sure. At the store the 2 continued to shop when my husband claims he made a comment about needed oral sex and nothing else. She agreed and the 2 went in the bathroom to finish the deed. They then walked back across the street where he claims he told her not to tell anyone, not even the HBFF. Supposedly that was the end of it but it just doesn't add up. After we moved here, she sent him a message on facebook about the HBFF car. I wondered how she felt close enough to my husband to send him a message and he claims he didn't know. She could have sent the message to the HBFF's brothers but instead she decided to send it to my husband.

Over the next couple of days she sent me endless texts telling me how awful the HBFF was and that I needed to throw him out. Next thing I know her husband is texting me telling me I was a fool. Evidently the 2 had gotten back together and he was not aware his wife was still seeing the HBFF. He never once said anything angry about my husband sleeping with his wife just constantly saying stuff about the HBFF. Things got so bad I had to go to court and get a restraining order against this woman. She was sending messages to my coworkers on facebook and my family. 

3 weeks out and my husband still claims this was the ONLY incident. I just don't believe it. Something in me says it's not. All the stories just don't add up. My husband claims all of this is just her way of getting even with the HBFF and trying to get him thrown out so he goes back home, but the things she was saying are still bothering me. My husband knows I won't stay if I find out any of the other stuff is true. One incident is different that all the times she's claiming stuff happened. And to the extent she's claiming things happened. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I'm 20 years into my marriage. If he's telling me one incident happened 2 years ago, I might be able to move on from that. But what she's telling me is that 2 months ago the 2 of them tried to hook up while we were signing documents on our home. The only reason they didn't is because he didn't have transportation to meet her and we were together the entire time. When I looked up my husband's text messaging during the time we were in our home state and compared them with his cell phone, I find that all the messages except a couple from when we were there are deleted. He gives me some dumb story about his phone deleting them, but he has tons of messages before and tons after. The stories don't add up. But then, am I just being paranoid? Could this woman really be out to just get even with the HBFF? I just want to know the truth so that I can pick up the pieces and move on, with or without my husband. It's the not knowing that's eating away at me and not letting me get back to being me. I've always had the marriage that everyone around me idealized as the perfect marriage. It's the type of marriage that I thought was perfect. Never in a million years did I think my husband would ever cheat on me. Now I sit every day, crying, heart racing, thoughts of what happened replaying in my head... Trying to decide what to do... Who to believe..


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Well, that is a lot to take in. 

I must say, that you communicated your story in a rather logical straight forward way, so I am not so concerned about your mental state. At this point though, you do need some raw data. 

You know, in a situation like this.. where the damage is potentially so extensive, you really need to come to terms with what you are capable of doing. 

What I mean is that you have to take a step back and look at this from a more simple perspective. Let's assume that the husband was having an extremely sexual affair, to the point of deviant. Let's also assume that he has emotionally bonded as well. What i mean is let's say that this is the worst case scenario.

If he is willing to reform, is that still something you can live with and move past? Ultimately, at the end of the day it comes down to staying or going. If you have the capacity for both options, then you should present those to him. I might be inclined to have a conversation like this:

"I am going to have many more conversations with this woman, and because of your inability to reveal the full truth to me, I am inclined to believe her more than you." " I am fine with going, and I can manage working through this, but not if you with hold anything from me" - "IF you would like to lose any chance of salvaging our relationship or even a friendship, then you must write me a letter explaining what happened, how it happened and how you plan to fix this, no matter how much you think it will hurt me" 

"I am prepared to walk out the door today, if these conditions are not met, and frankly I can live with that. Can you?" 

By putting it that way to him, you are making him aware of the options you are considering and you are also letting him know that if he wants to save the marriage, it is possible. 

Right now, you are incapable of making an informed decision because you lack the raw data to make such a choice. He is holding you hostage with this data. Your objective today, is not to repair the marriage or to even feel better. Your objective is to get enough information to decide what you want to do. The information you receive may make you feel better in itself, even if it is bad. 

That would be my advice for today. After that, the advice changes.

In my personal opinion, the man you are married to has no moral compass. That voice inside that says "i shouldn't do this" is not suppressed, it simply does not exist. 

There is a slight possibility that some of this is due to the best friend feeling left behind, used and forgotten. Although he would have to be fairly desperate to inspire a woman to call you and declare herself a ho-bag. 

I have found that most people who reveal their indiscretions to a spouse, usually do it in a manner that best serves themselves. They generally protect themselves and their self image by downplaying the actual events that took place. In essence what i am saying to you is that whatever your husband has divulged to you thus far, it is likely 100 times worse.

You should assume that, until you believe what he says.


Your letter boils down to one thing: You need information. You should go and get it, perfereably by having him write a letter. He is far more likely to be honest when he doesnt have to look you in the eye, than if he does. 

On a side note: If you wish to have a greater response to your posts, you should shorten them as best as possible.


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