# Tough Couple of Days



## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

This "after affair" crap is tough.

I have been pretty down for the past few days and today seems to be the worst.

I have been reading the books, taking advice, going to individual and marriage counseling...etc.

Over the past 45 days I have went from numb/shocked to, to resentful, to happier/hopeful, to angry/resentful, and now just plain old numb & sad again.

Didn't have anyone to talk to, so I just figured I would through this out there.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish I had something better to offer other then its normal. Went throught same thing and I came out OK. 
For what its worth, its a process, time will help it fade. 

Don't let this define who you are, I forced my self to be positive "I diserve good things, I diserve to be happy" my montra.

For me, I just was not going to let her cheating knock me down, let this sh~t beat me was not an option. Its hard as hell but I will no lose, I will over come this and carry on, this evil will NOT get to me, I'm better then that!

Get it?


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

John,

Keeping busy with friends helps. Also in many cities there are support groups for betrayed spouses. Her is a link to it:

Affair and Infidelity Support groups, The Beyond Affairs Network (BAN)

Cypress


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

It really becomes a mind battle. The natural thoughts that will come up will be depression, anger, resentment, etc. You have to keep fighting those thoughts. I like "the guy's" montra 'I deserve good things, I deserve to be happy.' I wonder if it would be helpful for you to have your own montra. Whenever one of those depressing thoughts comes into your mind, repeat your own montra 5 times, 10 times, 20 times, or until those bad/evil/depressing thoughts leave.


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

@Riverside...I like what "the guy" said also, however, I find that when I say "I deserve good things, I deserve to be happy'" my mind pictures me being happy WITHOUT my wife in the picture.

That is hard to say, because that it basically saying that maybe I already know the answer (separation and divorce) and I just haven't accepted it or can't bring myself to believe it yet.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

John7308 said:


> @Riverside...I like what "the guy" said also, however, I find that when I say "I deserve good things, I deserve to be happy'" my mind pictures me being happy WITHOUT my wife in the picture.
> 
> That is hard to say, because that it basically saying that maybe I already know the answer (separation and divorce) and I just haven't accepted it or can't bring myself to believe it yet.


So maybe think up a different mantra, like "I am a good person" or "I am a strong man" etc.

I haven't followed your story. Where is your wife with all of this? Does she admit that she made a mistake? Does she want the marriage to work?


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i just want to throw in a mantra my therapist gave me.

"everyday, in every way, i get better and better"

she told me that if you repeat this 21x in the morning and before bed, its been shown to improve your state of being...i dont know how true that is...

but ive been using it to get through the static in my head. when i start to drift off to those thoughts, thats when i use it, to counter the crap in my head. 

and it works pretty well.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

How about, "I'm good enough, smart enough, etc."? 

Just give it time John.


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> So maybe think up a different mantra, like "I am a good person" or "I am a strong man" etc.
> 
> I haven't followed your story. Where is your wife with all of this? Does she admit that she made a mistake? Does she want the marriage to work?


She does admit that she made a mistake (this the second EA, we went through this back in 07/08 also). She says she wants our marriage to work. I cannot find any evidence of further contact with the OM for the past two weeks or so (and the OM turned in his notice at work this week). 

So, she is saying and doing many of the things that she needs to do at this point.

I just can't seem to figure out what *I* want to do. I have been going to counseling with her and by myself. I just keep asking myself "is this the type of person that I want to spend the rest of my life with."


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

it has to be one of the toughest questions.

when im angry i ask my self the exact same thing, although im no where near where your at. 

but then i clear the static and look at the bigger picture, the past, the present, and how she makes me feel. 


outside of the affair, and despite some of our issues (which are all fixable, or have been fixed) i cant think of one thinkg i dont like about my wife. or love. seriously. 

i know who she is as a person, and how the affair went down. i know she made some Fn stupid decisions, but she is inherntly a good person. and ive know that for 17 years. im not going to let this one thing destroy that.

but im not going to forget either. 

i cant tell you what to think. except one thing.


take your time with it. 
be sure. and then when youve made your decision, throw your self into it with 100% passion.

that is really the only way to go, or even to live.

i wish you the best on your journey.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

@ John7308. 
I have found this thread to be extremely helpful: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html. I have also posted some of my own thoughts at Improve My Marriage: Affairs: Healing from an Affair.


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

elph said:


> i cant tell you what to think. except one thing.
> 
> take your time with it.
> be sure. and then when youve made your decision, throw your self into it with 100% passion.
> ...


Thanks for the response..


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