# Trying to deal with fiancee's sexual history



## jagsman (Feb 18, 2010)

I am having a hard time accepting my fiancées sexual past. I have known her since I was 18 and she was 19. I fell for her straight away but we didn’t get together until she was 32. A month ago I asked how many guys she had had sex with. After a few days she told me it was 10. Most of them were guys she was having a relationship with but a couple were one night stands. I was shocked and thought this seemed a lot. I had only been with 2 girls before my fiancée. I find it really hard to deal with this and feel physically sick whenever I think about it. It has also affected me sexually as I can’t help but think of her with other guys when we are in bed. I know this is stupid, immature, jealous and selfish but I can’t help it. I was shocked by her number of sexual partners because I thought she was more pure and classy. I have tried to be rational and tell myself that 10 guys in 15 years is not a lot or promiscuous and if I had a one night stand why shouldn’t she. She said that some of them were just flings and weren’t serious and didn’t mean anything. I know she means that they don’t mean as much as I do but the thought of her having meaningless sex and getting picked up for one night stands really upsets me. I can’t get my mind off this topic and I’ve become sulky and introspective. I don’t want to discuss it with my fiancée as she’ll get offended and think that I consider her a loose woman– I don’t, but I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. She has been totally honest and trusting with me and I feel terrible for having a problem. I want to be able to accept her past and not feel upset when I think of it.


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

NO one should ever ask this question, especially if you already have a 'perfect' view of their SO. Simple as that. But since you asked her and she answered honestly, you cannot hold it against her. 10 guys in 15 years is not alot but it's really none of your business. AND the past is the past - leave it there; get over it and make room for your own experiences with her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> accept her past


You make it sound like she's a hooker. That's not love, that's disrespectful judgment. Do you do that with everything else? Is YOUR view on something right, and you only grant others the 'right' to believe differently, even if they are wrong?

You are imposing YOUR morals on her. That is not fair. You need to spend time working on YOUR issues instead of looking elsewhere.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let me tell you a little secret - and at 47, happily married one time for 20+ years I am far better versed on this subject than you are.

If she had only had 2 partners in all those years most likely it would be because she does not like sex. Which would mean that you would be in for a very painful and non loving marriage. You are with a beautiful woman who LIKES sex, enjoy that and be happy. 

I am a bit worried about you. You are asking the wrong questions. You have only been with 2 other women this means that perhaps you are not very versed in the full spectrum of female sexual expression. This is my polite way of saying you are either a beginner or advanced beginner sexually. 

So you should not be asking her these distracting and upsetting questions that do not belong in a loving and trusting marriage. Instead you should be asking her an important question after you make love: "what can I do to make it more fun for you?" And then listen to her. Does she like more foreplay, less foreplay. Does she like how you do oral sex? If you don't ask she may not tell you - if you DO ask most likely she will tell you. 

Don't be lame and ask her if it was good for her. This is the most pathetic question - of course she will say yes. What choice does she have. Ask her "what can I do to make it more fun for you?" Does she like more talk/less talk/no talk? 

Does she like to be overpowered - held down? 

You see my friend. You are worried about the past - which you cannot change. I am worried about your future. Which will be an unhappy place unless you change your focus. 

Why do you think she waited several days to answer your question? She knows you are judgemental and she was conflicted. She can likely read your expressions and in doing so, read your mind if she is a good woman. You are already in trouble - be careful or soon you will be with someone who does not love you nearly as much as she did last week. 






jagsman said:


> I am having a hard time accepting my fiancées sexual past. I have known her since I was 18 and she was 19. I fell for her straight away but we didn’t get together until she was 32. A month ago I asked how many guys she had had sex with. After a few days she told me it was 10. Most of them were guys she was having a relationship with but a couple were one night stands. I was shocked and thought this seemed a lot. I had only been with 2 girls before my fiancée. I find it really hard to deal with this and feel physically sick whenever I think about it. It has also affected me sexually as I can’t help but think of her with other guys when we are in bed. I know this is stupid, immature, jealous and selfish but I can’t help it. I was shocked by her number of sexual partners because I thought she was more pure and classy. I have tried to be rational and tell myself that 10 guys in 15 years is not a lot or promiscuous and if I had a one night stand why shouldn’t she. She said that some of them were just flings and weren’t serious and didn’t mean anything. I know she means that they don’t mean as much as I do but the thought of her having meaningless sex and getting picked up for one night stands really upsets me. I can’t get my mind off this topic and I’ve become sulky and introspective. I don’t want to discuss it with my fiancée as she’ll get offended and think that I consider her a loose woman– I don’t, but I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. She has been totally honest and trusting with me and I feel terrible for having a problem. I want to be able to accept her past and not feel upset when I think of it.


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## jagsman (Feb 18, 2010)

I know that the problem is me and not her. I shouldn't have any issues with what she has done as its not that bad but I can't help the way I feel. You're right that I was very inexperienced with women before my fiancee and maybe that is the problem - I am comparing her to my experiences and not to everyone elses. I appreciate all your advice but telling me to leave the past in the past is not that helpful - if it was that simple I wouldn't be this upset. If there is anyone else who has been in this situation please tell me how you dealt with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I'm telling you to get help with YOUR issue, which is your own insecurity. Find a good counselor and start going.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The issue is not hers, it is yours. I can understand your feelings here. If you have only had two lovers in your life it is possible that is because the two of you have different views on sex and its place in your lives. Remember that here past experiences have formed the lover she is today. She has developed some amount of talent from those encounters and you are now the sole beneficiary of those past encounters. I understand it may be hard to let go of the past but remember she has chosen you and sexually wants to be with you. Focus on her and what you have together while making love as you really shouldn't be thinking of anything else anyway. Get your own insecurities under control and stop blaming her for them because that is likely what you are doing. Dwelling on this will only bring more problems to the relationship. If you really can't get past it then end the marriage and find a virgin or some one who's past will better fit what you want in a marriage.


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## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

I agree with the other posters that you're too insecure about sex to marry this girl. 
I don't agree that it's only _your_ problem. By definition, a problems that affects a relationship is both people's problems. 
Would evening the score make you more secure? If so, then have sex with 8 prostitutes and live happily ever after.
Chances are that wouldn't work for you though, so what you probably need to do is break up with this girl, and spend a few years working on yourself, seeing a therapist, doing self-improvement, etc. During that time, date multiple women and get yourself secure with women and sex so you don't feel you're missing out. Then the next time you meet a girl you would want to marry (it will happen again), you'll be ready without having so much internal conflict.


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## Billy (Feb 20, 2010)

Jagsman,

Be very careful here - I think that the other posters are generally reflecting on your lack of sexual history - I don't think that this is the issue.

I am in the same boat - however I have slept with around 60 women and feel very confident sexually. My girl on the other hand has had around 15 lovers including a threesome - this cuts me up inside and I find it very difficult to deal with - hypocritical I know - but true none the less.

Sometimes I can dismiss it with a bunch of reasons about why it shouldn't matter - but other times I can't and realise that it IS affecting me. Ignore all the nonsense about your insecurity etc - I don't think that is it. I just believe that men (potentially more than women) HATE the thought of their girl with another man. We've all heard the locker room bragging about 'yeah I nailed her - ha ha ha' and similar stories and we hate the thought of this type of talk about the girl that we love.

Also I think this is partly caused by your natural sense of protection over her and thirdly because the images in our minds about her past occur to us in the present - which almost feels like she has cheated on you!! - I know it sounds ridiculous and far fetched - but it is a very real and potentially devasting mental weight.

Personally I am very protective over the women in my life - my mum, sister, girlfriend etc - and this may be one of the causes of why my feelings are so strong.

I don't know you and don't know how you tick - but I have had these feelings about previous girlfriends and in my experience they will fade with time. I think the important thing to do is keep focused on the fact that it IS in the past, you CAN'T change it and it is an issue in YOUR head and not hers - otherwise you may end up persecuting her for it and create an unbrigeable rift in your relationship.

It also feels to me that the more I love a girl the stronger there feelings become - so take this as a positive sign about your feelings for her. Think about what life would be like without her??? Could you handle it? If you think you could then maybe you are not in love with her as much as you should be to marry her - if you can't then bite the bullet - and work through it!! That's the best advice I can give you - but it does fade with time - and no your not insecure, sexually niave or sexist - this is a VERY common reaction among men - you just have the balls to admit it and seek a solution.

Good luck mate!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That really infuriates me...that men still want to scr&w the one girl, but take home the other girl. 

So what happens to the girl who scr&ws you, thinking you will love her for it? Now she's trash?

Where's the puke icon?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> That really infuriates me...that men still want to scr&w the one girl, but take home the other girl.
> 
> So what happens to the girl who scr&ws you, thinking you will love her for it? Now she's trash?
> 
> Where's the puke icon?


The criteria for hooking up with a girl and getting married to a woman are quite different.

Unfortunately young women are either ignorant of this, or simply don't care anymore.

My immediate impression of the fiance of the OP was that she was lying about only sleeping with 10 partners.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> The criteria for hooking up with a girl and getting married to a woman are quite different.


Then why aren't the criteria for hooking up with a guy and getting married to a man different?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

All very insane to me... 

Do you love her? Then you love all that she is and all that made her who she is.
It IS that simple and there is NO trick. Accept her, love her.

I wrote this somewhere else. 
Imagine someone that had prior sexual experience. IN order to avoid the situation your wife is in, one must openly divulge their past very early in the relationship so that they could be rejected. Really thats insane.. Be happy she chose you and get some professional help accepting her for who she is, or leave her alone so someone else can.

She probably knows you so I am suprised she shared that with you, take it as a gift that she shared with you.. not a curse.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> Then why aren't the criteria for hooking up with a guy and getting married to a man different?


I think there are some differences, but there is an element of double standard at work as well.

Not saying it's right or fair of anything. Just telling you how it is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I know. That's why it infuriates me.


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## laredo (Jan 23, 2010)

I think it would be very sexualy exciting for her to tell me about other experiences.


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## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

I can speak from experience here as well. About 6 months ago or so I began probing my wife with the same questions. We have known each other for almost 25 years but have only been together for the past 7 (other than the original 1 year when we dated in high school).

We are in a very stable relationship and I have been through hell and back in 2 previous long-term relationships (1 was a marriage) so asking my wife this question was more out of wanting to "fill in the blanks" while we were apart. She thought I was going to be judgemental about it and refused to answer for the longest time. She finally did answer...12 or 13 over the course of 12 years (including a 4 year previous LTR/marriage...so really its like 11 or 12 over 8 years). A couple months back, she got pretty wasted with some other girls, came home, basically ravaged me in bed and I snuck the question into her ear while she was on the way to a massive orgasm. She blurted out "no idea, but probably at least 20, maybe 25". So the truth seemingly came out thanks to a bit of liquid courage. Am I jealous? Am I resentful? Am I turned off?

Not one bit. In fact, knowing this makes me love her even more...she picked me in the end instead of one of the other 20 or so guys she was intimate with (granted, a few were one night stands for the sex only with no intention of a relationship).

Would I ever hold this information against her for any reason in the future? Not a chance. I am a pretty laid back, easy going guy who doesn't get rattled very easy. I find it hot knowing all about her sexual exploits and wish she would divulge more details about some of her romps! It helps me be a better lover and understand more about what/why she likes and dislikes certain things.

It's all about taking your time and not pushing too much.

As for being resentful about her past compared to yours, take a chill pill and be thankful she chose to settle down with you! There will come a day when you will wake up and want to know more of the details. If that day doesn't come, just live and let be. You cannot change the past but you can chart a course for the future together!

Best!


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

This is an interesting thread which touches on something that most have probably faced at some point. I will only add that you have to let the past go and live for now. Now is all that matters. It's cliche but so true. You are so lucky to have found someone that you love and who loves you. Dont let your happiness be threatened by ancient history.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Her past has made her the woman that you love. And if your response to that is to say, "Oh, no I loved her when we first knew each other all those years ago" then my response to THAT is to say that this is why you have this problem now. She is not the 19 year old girl she was all those years ago. She is a 32 year old woman (or however old she is now) that you are in a relationship with now. She would not be that woman without ALL of her past experiences. 10 sexual partners by age 32, for a woman who was never (?) married is not many. Given how judgmental some people are about numbers, I'd say she's not lying about it either. If her sexual past bothers you that much, then I think you need to consider the possibility that you don't really love her, but a fantasy of her. 

I do think that in a relationship, if one partner has a problem, then BOTH partners have a problem, but...sometimes one partner has to shoulder most of the responsibility of that problem, and this is one that you need to shoulder the most responsibility. She can't change her past, and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for anything she did before she got together with you. 

Sexual history is no different than her job history, relationship history, or family history: she can't change it, it's part of who she is, and really, it has nothing to do with you. You can't expect a woman to keep herself "pure" as you phrased it, on the off chance she might end up with you one day. If you want someone "pure" then you'll have to go look for that person. And honestly, if you're in your 30s, good luck finding it. 

If you really want to be with her, then I suggest some counselling for yourself to help you get past this.


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## Lover1 (Jul 3, 2011)

I'm trying to learn how to deal with my fiancees past sexual history and I truly am having a difficult time. I love her very much and it hurts to think she was so easily intimate with so many men and many one night stands. 

She has even told me that she knows she has slept with way more men than I have women and I never really gave her a number but she knows I have always been more of a relationship guy. She is extremely gorgeous and men are very attracted to her.

We not talking low numbers here, before we met she had slept with at least 15-20 different guys in the preceding year. And in the prior 3 months 6 different guys, and I was the 6th guy. She is in her mid thirties, so she isn't like 21 and finding herself. Based on her discussions and watching her friends bring strange guys home almost every time we would go out together, she has slept with a ton over guys, her friends are like 25 year boy
hunters and she was part of that crew.

I know to a degree its my problem but its hard for me to deal with and accept her past and believe that was just a phase.
It seems more like a life long pattern and she and her friends
want to hang out at events, parties, clubs, where the singles 
nightlife and hook ups are the norm. She wants me to trust her.
I do to some degree but past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior and once you start having numerous one night stands and hooks etc., to me its very easy to fall back into that
pattern if you are putting yourself back into that environment with your friends doing it. Her Vegas trips, half my girlfriends married or involved are off banging and the other half isn't.That
is supposed to instill confidence in us? I know for a fact she has hooked up in vegas before we met.

Her girlfriends are super hot too and they have professional athletes on their scorecards.

She says oh Im in love with you and dont need anyone else, except when we go out she has to have eye contact with every man in her view and if he is hot, he gets multiple eye locks with her. When we are driving she stares out the window
checking out every guy driving by and looks directly into their windows, especially hot cars and trucks. If I say anything, Im some kind of insecure jerk or she will out right deny it like I dont see what I see.

Her and party girlfriends will stand there and talk about hot guys there checking out as if Im not even there! But if I did that with my buddies, there would be hell to pay.

Any advice?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Lover1 said:


> She wants me to trust her.
> I do to some degree but past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior and once you start having numerous one night stands and hooks etc., to me its very easy to fall back into that
> pattern if you are putting yourself back into that environment with your friends doing it.


She will cheat on you repeatedly. Paternity test any children she claims are yours.


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

My wife came to me just after our 13th anniversary and said she had lied to me early on in our dating relationship. She told me after asking me how many women I had slept with that she had slept with ten guys. I accepted it for what it was, the past. Well when she came back and told me she lied to me about it, she really rocked my boat. She said the number was more than 100 not 10. I could not beleve what she was telling me. We had a long discussion that turned heated over her lyeing to me about this. She said she just needed to clear the lie up. I called het a s"@t and was really hurt because I felt jaded. She said the I would never touch her the way another man has not already touched her. She has done stuff that I have only had fantacies about but she would never do anything like that with me because she wants to be the pure sweet miss inocent now. I did some checking on a couple of time I felt things were off with her and almost sure she screwed around, but she will not talk about it after my first reaction. I told her if she had been unfaithful I would leave. So now mum is the word. I have done a lot of reading and research on how women treat questions like this and from what I have read most will lie because they are afraid of how we men will react to their responce. A w#%&e is a w$&%e no matter male or female. I lost all respect for her because she lied to me in the beginning and did not beleave that my love for her was real no matter what. I loved her then and I still love her today because she is my soul mate but my heart is broke because the trust is broke and thing have been said that only more time and love can erase. If you ask a question make damm sure you can handle the answer. She knows how much she has hurt me but she still thinks it is my problem that I just need to get over. At least you know the real person up front right, or so they say. The real question is can you except her for who she is not who she was. The deception is what kills the relational trust. I come from a broken home with parents fighting and screwing around on each other so for me to put my love and trust in someone like my wife and then have it destroyed is a real blow. I can say I have had every thought that you have had about her and there is no going toward until you get over her past. Three years later we are still working on things, I still have triggers, and some days just wonder why I did not leave. Then I have those days where I remember give much in love we were, are and how much I love my family and I don't won't to lose that. You chose her and she chose to accept you for who you are. A little trick I taught myself. Open your hand wide and look at it. The openings between your fingers are where her fingers are saposed to be. If not your love will just run out of your hand. The truth will set us free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Lover1 said:


> I'm trying to learn how to deal with my fiancees past sexual history and I truly am having a difficult time. I love her very much and it hurts to think she was so easily intimate with so many men and many one night stands.
> 
> She has even told me that she knows she has slept with way more men than I have women and I never really gave her a number but she knows I have always been more of a relationship guy. She is extremely gorgeous and men are very attracted to her.
> 
> ...


Oh that's just biology There are men here who will tell you, things like that can't be controlled and she needs to keep checking men out to ensure she has the best one, the strongest, fittest one who earns the most.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am 35. I have had 9 sexual partners. Some were relationships, most were good friends because i didn't want a relationship and all the bs that came with it. It never ruined my friendships....ever.

My husband is 28 and has had 6 partners. 

I obsessed on that. I don't know why, but I did.

Slowly, I was able to let it go because I knew I could satisfy his sexual needs. 

I don't think anyone likes to think about their mate's past. It's just means you're human. However, she is with YOU. She chose to settle down with YOU so...you have to just try to let it go.

Not good advice, but you need to look within yourself and find the strength to overcome this before you ruin this good thing with your insecurities.


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## leah79 (Aug 4, 2011)

I think this is about you and not your girl, I think you are concerned she is more experienced than you and you won't live up to what she has had in the past. I am 32 and slept with more then 10 guys my hubby knows this but is secure in himself and knows he can satisfy me. Honestly if she wanted to be with them she would be but she is with you so chill out enjoy her and maybe with her experiences she can teach you a few things.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

leah79 said:


> I think this is about you and not your girl, I think you are concerned she is more experienced than you and you won't live up to what she has had in the past.


I also thought this could be a part of it. I don't see the problem in discussing sexual history with a partner at all - in fact I consider it part of learning about the other person's life - I want to know everything about my husband, that's part of him too. But you can't hold it against someone - they were not committed to you then. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your sexual partner having had previous sexual partners, but you yourself have had sexual partners, then you are a hypocrit. Sorry, but that is the reality. It may be natural, human, and understandable, but it's also hypocritical. 

If you love your fiance/spouse, and they have trusted you with this information, can you try to honor that trust and accept them for who they are and _what it took them going through to find you?_ Many women (not all by any means, but I think many) would LOVE to have skipped over many or most or even in some cases all of their pre-marital sexual partners. I'm not sure how I stack up against other women in this regard, but while I'm glad that I had sexual experiences that allowed me to get to the point of being able to "handle" my H's drive, I could have done without about 6 of the 9 partners I had before we met. But _I was searching for what turned out to be him_ so I went through a period of trying things, trying people, trying ideas. That is how the past is built up. 

My H had fewer partners than I did by 1 I think. All of his partners were healthy, loving relationships, but NONE of them were the kind of sexual relationship / kink / dynamic that we have, which also happens to be what he wants. So I KNOW that I am special. I do not feel insecure about his past _because if I had any reason to feel insecure about his past, I would be PART of his past._

Trust the woman you love enough to have some faith in her choosing YOU. Insecurity is tough, everyone has them, I have a ton, but this is something you can try to work on for the good of the relationship.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

omega said:


> If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your sexual partner having had previous sexual partners, but you yourself have had sexual partners, then you are a hypocrit. Sorry, but that is the reality. .


sorry but you are wrong and calling someone a hypocrit because of this is just nonsense....a lot of this has to do with our ancestor biological genes from thousands of years ago where our prefrontal cortex has yet to catch up with.....so please reserve your insults until you fully understand these things....


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

If you read the sentence immediately after the part of my post you quoted, you will see where I say pretty much what you said... it's not meant to be insulting. As I say, it's human, natural. It is, however, also hypocritical, based on the definition of hypocritical.... But I apologize for offending you.


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## prc911 (Dec 20, 2010)

no you didnt insult me...am not responsible for human evolution! 

however hipocrisy is a state someone chooses to take, not a behavioral or personality trait influenced by genetics which they cannot choose or avoid (ie hormonal or neurochemical)

cheers....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Men are wired to populate the world.

They are also wired to c0ckbl0ck and ensure that their mate is impregnated with their sperm and no other. ( I get a kick out of folks who think this is a flaw )

Women are wired to find and mate with the most fit male so that her offspring have the best genes.

The above influence how people feel. It is natural whether anyone likes it or not or whether its fits into some PC world. How they act is another matter based on higher brain functions. That said I think people should not completely block out their wiring. It is there for their survival.
i.e. the jealous reflex is not all bad.

People have the right to feel anyway they wish. Others are free to call them hypocritical .... so what? It is what it is. Deal with it folks. 

I think men can choose their mate based on absolutely any criteria they wish. They have to please only themselves. Same goes for women. BUT, now that he has chosen he needs to man up.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Lover1 said:


> I'm trying to learn how to deal with my fiancees past sexual history and I truly am having a difficult time. I love her very much and it hurts to think she was so easily intimate with so many men and many one night stands.
> 
> She has even told me that she knows she has slept with way more men than I have women and I never really gave her a number but she knows I have always been more of a relationship guy. She is extremely gorgeous and men are very attracted to her.
> 
> ...


Lots of Red Flags. This has been her life style for quite some time. She is asking you to trust her that she will be hanging out with the same people and going to the same events but she will not be doing the things that her friends are doing and the things that she has been doing. Many of her friends being married but screwing around.

Personally I would pass on that no matter how hot she was. This is not just about number of past partners. This is a whole life style.

But I have to ask ... what do you see in her and why is she interested in marrying you?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

just40bp said:


> My wife came to me just after our 13th anniversary and said she had lied to me early on in our dating relationship. She told me after asking me how many women I had slept with that she had slept with ten guys. I accepted it for what it was, the past. Well when she came back and told me she lied to me about it, she really rocked my boat. She said the number was more than 100 not 10. I could not beleve what she was telling me. We had a long discussion that turned heated over her lyeing to me about this. She said she just needed to clear the lie up. I called het a s"@t and was really hurt because I felt jaded. *She said the I would never touch her the way another man has not already touched her. She has done stuff that I have only had fantacies about but she would never do anything like that with me because she wants to be the pure sweet miss inocent now. * I did some checking on a couple of time I felt things were off with her and almost sure she screwed around, but she will not talk about it after my first reaction. I told her if she had been unfaithful I would leave. So now mum is the word. I have done a lot of reading and research on how women treat questions like this and from what I have read most will lie because they are afraid of how we men will react to their responce. A w#%&e is a w$&%e no matter male or female. I lost all respect for her because she lied to me in the beginning and did not beleave that my love for her was real no matter what. *I loved her then and I still love her today because she is my soul mate but my heart is broke because the trust is broke and thing have been said that only more time and love can erase. *If you ask a question make damm sure you can handle the answer. She knows how much she has hurt me but she still thinks it is my problem that I just need to get over. At least you know the real person up front right, or so they say. The real question is can you except her for who she is not who she was. The deception is what kills the relational trust. I come from a broken home with parents fighting and screwing around on each other so for me to put my love and trust in someone like my wife and then have it destroyed is a real blow. I can say I have had every thought that you have had about her and there is no going toward until you get over her past. Three years later we are still working on things, I still have triggers, and some days just wonder why I did not leave. Then I have those days where I remember give much in love we were, are and how much I love my family and I don't won't to lose that. You chose her and she chose to accept you for who you are. A little trick I taught myself. Open your hand wide and look at it. The openings between your fingers are where her fingers are saposed to be. If not your love will just run out of your hand. The truth will set us free.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The deception is bad indeed, but I would have way more problems with what I have bolded than that. Telling you that you are not special because you cannot touch her in any way that has not been done before ... That is pretty harsh dude.

Also that she will not do things with you that she has done with other men. Wow.

I bolded the soulmate thing because in my twisted way of looking at things I would imagine that you would be touching her in ways that no one else has and that she would not be holding back anything from you.

I think we also have to assume that you have given her way more than any of these other men have given her. Like 13 years of marriage. Their only comittment was maybe a bed to have sex in. Maybe not that. Sweet.

It is tragic to love some one so much and have them be fine with hurting you. Cruel is what it is. You were cheated out of the opportunity to make an informed decision on your partner. 

If you had known she had slept with 100+ and told you then that you could never touch her in a way she has never been touched and that she had done things with other men that she would never do with you may have made another choice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Oh that's just biology There are men here who will tell you, things like that can't be controlled and she needs to keep checking men out to ensure she has the best one, the strongest, fittest one who earns the most.


She is the poster child for this biology. 

If he tries to control that ... he will be called .... controlling.


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Hey man, im on your level. I gave my girl my first time and first for everything. I was 17 and we were together for 3 years. I went away for college. We had ups and downs but mentally we were always together. She broke up with me and slept with another dude and hooked up with my friend. Cant get the images out of my head. Tried for a week to get over it and well... she was a perfect match for me but i cant take thinking about it the rest of my life. I left her today... And all i can hope for myself is to not look back. She was perfect for me but i only loved her 75% of the time. The other 25% (whenever i went to sleep, alone, trigger words) i was thinkin about the other guys. Its not worth it to me and shes the only girl ive dated. Im scared to be single and try to find another girl, but im taking that road. Wish you the best.


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## laviewpoint (Dec 7, 2011)

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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Somebody once told me that when asked the how many question, men tend to double up before giving the answer and women tend to halve the answer. Not that it should make any difference. If you love them anyway 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bg 600 (Aug 8, 2013)

mujer_rota said:


> NO one should ever ask this question, especially if you already have a 'perfect' view of their SO. Simple as that. But since you asked her and she answered honestly, you cannot hold it against her. 10 guys in 15 years is not alot but it's really none of your business. AND the past is the past - leave it there; get over it and make room for your own experiences with her.


. 
***I respectfully disagree. A marriage is one of the most serious and thought thru decisions a man will ever make.
A woman judges a man from the get-go such as height,economic status etc. He has the right to know EVERYTHING. If he cannot handle the truth he should next his fiancee. If she lies he has the right to divorce. This is where
feminism and the sexual revolution has gotten us.:smthumbup:


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