# What do I mean when I say Initiate Sex?



## drdrfor

I got a blank stare from my wife when I said I wanted her to initiate sex. She truly believes this is a man's job. When she did try, she got it all wrong. She asked after climbing into bed, " Do you want sex now?" 

And I was extremely disappointed. That isn't what I had in mind at all.

But now I've had time to reflect and I'm not quite sure how to define what is that I want without it sounding like an instruction booklet. 

Any ideas would be appreciated.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Some women are brought up to believe that it is a man's job.

I would just say - honey, when I say initiate sex, I mean - jump my bones, start taking my clothes off, reach for me first, kiss me first, grab my ***** and give me a BJ without me asking, whatever it is you're looking for.

But, don't discount what she did do - she did try and didn't complain about it - that says a lot, she just didn't get the "jist" of what you were saying.

So in the same vein that you approached it the first time, get into more detail the second time. But make sure you tell her - honey, I really appreciate you trying to initiate sex the other night, but could we take it a step farther. It would really mean a lot to me and really turn me on if you....

Good luck, would like to know how it turns out.

And I, as a woman really appreciate the fact that you reflected on what happened and took your time to process it and didn't let her know that you were disappointed and that she got it wrong - that was great and she's lucky to have you.


----------



## sisters359

It needs to sound like an instruction booklet at first. "I'd really like it if sometimes you would just start doing X, Y, or Z, and if occasionally you'd find your own way to turn me on without me asking for it." How the heck else would she know what you mean?

Now, if you want her to DESIRE you, that is a whole different thing. Her comment, "Do you want sex now?" suggests that she did not want sex with you, but she wanted you to be happy.

If she isn't feeling desire, you need to make yourself more desirable. Get playful about sex and a bit naughty during the course of each day. She isn't just going to suddenly feel horny--a lot of women are just not going to "have the itch" out of no where (yes, it does happen occasionally, but usually women miss it b/c they have too much else on their minds). 

Try some subtle sexual teasing when she doesn't expect it--approach her from behind, brush your fingers across her nipples once or twice, kiss her neck. Rub her buttocks later in the day, only a second or two.

Most of all, act like a grown up, not a needy child. Clean up after yourself and the kids. Do your share around the house. Partner with her in all household tasks she is still facing after "normal" business hours. Converse with her about things other than the kids/house and show you value her opinion as you share work. But don't forget to treat her like a sexy woman at times, too. 

AND--make yourself the best you can be==hygiene, fitness, etc. You don't have to be an Adonis, but you can't be a slob, either.


----------



## Deejo

sisters359 said:


> It needs to sound like an instruction booklet at first. "I'd really like it if sometimes you would just start doing X, Y, or Z, and if occasionally you'd find your own way to turn me on without me asking for it." How the heck else would she know what you mean?
> 
> Now, if you want her to DESIRE you, that is a whole different thing. Her comment, "Do you want sex now?" suggests that she did not want sex with you, but she wanted you to be happy.
> 
> If she isn't feeling desire, you need to make yourself more desirable. Get playful about sex and a bit naughty during the course of each day. She isn't just going to suddenly feel horny--a lot of women are just not going to "have the itch" out of no where (yes, it does happen occasionally, but usually women miss it b/c they have too much else on their minds).
> 
> Try some subtle sexual teasing when she doesn't expect it--approach her from behind, brush your fingers across her nipples once or twice, kiss her neck. Rub her buttocks later in the day, only a second or two.
> 
> Most of all, act like a grown up, not a needy child. Clean up after yourself and the kids. Do your share around the house. Partner with her in all household tasks she is still facing after "normal" business hours. Converse with her about things other than the kids/house and show you value her opinion as you share work. But don't forget to treat her like a sexy woman at times, too.
> 
> AND--make yourself the best you can be==hygiene, fitness, etc. You don't have to be an Adonis, but you can't be a slob, either.


Can't disagree with this. :iagree:

If your wife is actually open to the idea, rather than paying you lip service, this is a really positive thing. Don't squash it.

If she wants to be a good partner to you, it is in your own self-interest to be an excellent partner in return.


----------



## Kobo

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Some women are brought up to believe that it is a man's job.
> 
> I would just say - honey, when I say initiate sex, I mean - jump my bones, start taking my clothes off, reach for me first, kiss me first, grab my ***** and give me a BJ without me asking, whatever it is you're looking for.
> 
> But, don't discount what she did do - she did try and didn't complain about it - that says a lot, she just didn't get the "jist" of what you were saying.
> 
> So in the same vein that you approached it the first time, get into more detail the second time. But make sure you tell her - honey, I really appreciate you trying to initiate sex the other night, but could we take it a step farther. It would really mean a lot to me and really turn me on if you....
> 
> Good luck, would like to know how it turns out.
> 
> And I, as a woman really appreciate the fact that you reflected on what happened and took your time to process it and didn't let her know that you were disappointed and that she got it wrong - that was great and she's lucky to have you.


I Agree. She tried that's a lot for someone who hasn't done it.


----------



## BigBadWolf

Sisters359 nailed it perfectly.

Understand, often a woman fears greatly sexual rejection. That is why, for a woman to be expected to initiate, it is often difficult.

If your woman is hesitant to initiate, make sure you have done your work to create the safe feelings inside her to unleash herself.

This is the things Sisters359 mentions, throughout the day, express your desires, being naughty, all these million little tings that say, and say without words, that "I want you" to your woman.

And when you are together, and expressing intimacy, absolutely tell her exactly what you want and expect and desire, perfectly okay.

But it doesn't have to be just like an instruction manual, instead better to be more like "dirty talk". 

Be bold, make no apologies, say EXACTLY what you want and tell her what you want like you mean it. Do not be afraid to be "bad" or "dirty", this is in fact most appropriate. 

Leave NO DOUBT in your woman's mind what you want from her, that way your desire for her to initiate is fulfilled, and she is having no fear whatsoever of rejection from you. Do NOT be timid in this area, BE BOLD! 

Make it so both of you enjoy the experience, even this experience of sexual communication!

I wish you well.


----------



## chefmaster

drdrfor said:


> But now I've had time to reflect and I'm not quite sure how to define what is that I want without it sounding like an instruction booklet.
> 
> Any ideas would be appreciated.


This could also be a great time to start the Luv game. Everytime you think of something you want her to do in bed, or you want to do to her, write it down on a piece of paper and slip it into an empty tissue box. Tell her what you are doing and ask her to do the same.
When you two are alone whip the box out and play a game that you two enjoy like backgammon, cribbage, poker, doing shots, whatever. The loser has to initiate it by picking a slip and setting it up and getting it done.
You can do this anytime, it helps to build desire too, like when you are out playing pool just pick the next game's loser to be the one, and talk about what kinds of things may be in the box, or on a long drive in the car with typical car games, at the movies, taking a walk, exercising, watching tv...the box is always there with ideas in it 

You can also pick up the commercial versions of these games at your local Barnes and Noble or online at Amazon.com or most places they sell books.

*Suggestion for your first entry: "Seduce me into a lovemaking session"
*Tips for cheating: Submit the above entry 20 times.


----------



## Catherine602

drdrfor said:


> I got a blank stare from my wife when I said I wanted her to initiate sex. She truly believes this is a man's job. When she did try, she got it all wrong. She asked after climbing into bed, " Do you want sex now?"
> 
> And I was extremely disappointed. That isn't what I had in mind at all.
> 
> But now I've had time to reflect and I'm not quite sure how to define what is that I want without it sounding like an instruction booklet.
> 
> Any ideas would be appreciated.



Many women have a hard time initiating, it is difficult, you may not understand it but there it is. I have a very difficult time initiating sex, maybe it's my strict Catholic upbringing, maybe residual fear of sister Mary Frances, who knows. Luckily, my husband is understanding and he accepts me. He is dominant though so, that may be why he is less bothered. 

Just be light, playful, encouraging, and appreciative this will help her to try again. If there is tension associated with with this you will have a difficult time getting her to try again. Let her decide what to say and then repsond with a laugh and a hug even if not what you had in mind. What she said is kind of funny. You should both just laughed and fallen into each others arms.


----------



## MsLonely

You must give instructions! My husband kept me guessing for 6 years because he was like you.
My teasing and bj skills could be perfect for other men but for my husband, he is into different way of bj that might piss most men off. So, do her a favor! Tell her directly what you exactly want at least once, "Babe, kiss me,lick my ears, take off my pants, suck my cok, lick my balls. Yes, like that... Good, faster, Slow down..." You give clear Instructions and feedback, so you get what you want and how well she's doing! Next time she has a clue to initiate sex if you guide her properly, and she saw you enjoy, hear you moan, she would feel satisfied with her achievement! Why don't you open your golden mouth and speak? It's hard for your wife to guess what you exactly want.


----------



## RandomDude

This is probably horrid advice but oh well, some may hate me for this but... take what you can get out of this...

Throughout my life I've never had to ask for sex, everything was a game. If I can't get it, it means my game is insufficient and I'm playing it wrong, so I try something else, something new or fix up some flaws in my game, but never ever ask for sex - never. 

Also, all is fair in love and war, so I sometimes also use other women to help me tease my intended 'target' boontang (sorry, dunno where I got that term from). I also use jealousy to my benefit like a switch. Impressions - thats what I give, and that's all I need.

"I know you want this, it can be yours, but you have to earn it, you have to come and get it, you have to get me quick too for other girls on onto me already, come get me, or regret it for the rest of the night" I don't have to say it, I just have to give that impression.

The game is not something that is programmed, it has be smooth and natural. The most important thing is attitude - and this goes for both men and women. For example, for a woman, the beauty of their form comes from the curves, when a woman is not confident, her posture is slouched, her walk is not sexy, her head is not held high so her overall look becomes unattractive. And the wrong impression is given.

For a man this is also the case, you want your head high, and your chest out, and it must be natural, not a pose, you must carry yourself well just as women should. This can unfortunately also backfire by intimidating your intended prospect, they may feel they are not good enough, but that's when the game comes in. It's not just posture alone, you must tease - but not be unreachable. There's a certain balance to the game, been playing it since I was 16.

Kept playing it even in marriage... however, nowadays everything is just routine rapes, not really romantic. Hence I complain about it, not satisfied, but oh well, other problems exist to take my mind of it I guess.


----------



## sisters359

Women fear sexual rejection? Honestly, I'm 51 years old and I have NEVER feared rejection, even when I was a 23 year old with 0 self-esteem. Guess I always believed that if a man rejected a sexual offer, there was something wrong with *him.* haha. 

Very few women have been, traditionally, comfortable making an open sexual advance. It goes against our training. BUT, all the subtle signs are usually there--flirting, generally speaking, is a way to indicate sexual interest/attraction without being more blatant about it. OP, if your wife ever flirts, she's initiating. Just don't expect her to initiate the same way YOU do and you'll see if she's initiating in her own way.

More likely, however, is a lack of desire on her part, so she's not giving off "let's do it!" signals. Lack of desire is a BIG red flat, IMHO. For all the talk about women having a lower libido, etc., I think lack of desire is usually "lack of desire for the man I'm married to" and means a repressed libido OR she's getting off without her man. and either way, "servicing him" when he asks. 

That's why it is so important to rekindle her desire for you, to make sure she still finds you sexually attractive, by increasing your fitness (mental, emotional, physical), behaving always like a responsible adult (don't ever let her be your mommy, cleaning up after you; total buzzkill!), and openly treating her as a responsible adult who is also one very sexy woman.


----------



## Mrs.LonelyGal

I'll admit I sometimes have a hard time initiating.
I am really working on this, because I know it is important that my husband feel desired and wanted, too.

Rejection is a b!tch no matter what gender you are. I can remember getting all dolled up one night - heels, thong panties, thigh high stockings and a teddy and walking into my bedroom to fool around and getting the "Honey, I am really tired tonight". Can you imagine how mortified I was, and how ashamed I was to go back to the bathroom and change into my sweatpants and t shirt, only to go back and listen to him snore?!

I think women aren't raised to think that they are supposed to initiate. Like when you are in high school and every guy just wants to get in your pants. You don't have to do anything- they are just lined up waiting to have their chance. Or when you are dating, the guy buys dinner and the movie, right? (sometimes 3 or 4 dinners and movies...and flowers and jewelry)

I'd say a lot of women are brought up to think that they are going to be taken- and I don't mean raped. I just mean that a man is going to do all the leg work to get the woman to be willing to have sex w/ him. It isn't foreplay...but it is the groundwork for foreplay.

I don't know... I am not saying it is right, but I think there is a certain subconscious part in a woman's brain that doesn't really understand the art of pursuit or feels like it isn't her job to work so hard to get sex. Like, obviously we are the more desirable gender- we should just sit here and look pretty and the man do all the work.

WRONG!!

I guess learning how is difficult because obviously men and women seem to have different definitions of initiation and respond differently to different types of pursuit.

I for instance love a good foot rub to get me in the mood. I like a funny joking sexual comment earlier in the day.I like tickling and wrestling. I like it when my man showers before bed and just comes in wearing his birthday suit. I like more than anything a good talk, a nice conversation about something important - more than "What did you do today?" More like "I feel really strongly about [insert current event or emotional thought], how do you feel about that?" Sometimes just a nice compliment or a stroke of my face or hair is enough.

I don't like to have my tit groped out of context or a hand stuck down my pants. I don't like pornography. I don't like being passionately kissed as soon as I walk in the door with hands full of grocery bags. Though, I can see how that is his way of trying to initiate.

I am still learning what my husband considers initiation.What he wants me to do. He doesn't seem to react to somethings that I think are pretty blatant. He also is not very open and not very talkative. I really feel like I have to prod him to even tell me if he enjoyed a certain new technique or approach.
Though I think initiation would work on both levels if he would talk to me more about what he likes and wants from me. Just hearing him express himself - since he is so quiet really turns me on!

Id' be open for suggestions on the appropriate way to initiate with my man.


----------



## RandomDude

@drdrfor

Asking = begging = insecurity = turnoff
Think that's all that needs to be said

@Mrs.LonelyGal



> Like, obviously we are the more desirable gender- we should just sit here and look pretty and the man do all the work.


Yes, but simply looking pretty itself doing nothing is rather 'meh' compared to someone who carries herself well, teases, flirts, and makes not just her man desire her, but other men too.



> Id' be open for suggestions on the appropriate way to initiate with my man.


I don't know about other men, to be honest as you know I'm paranoid about me giving advice since I'm only young (26) and married only 2 years (and already problems due to religion/etc)... anyways...

I wrote about this to MsLonely on the Sex/Marriage section, have you read those?


----------



## Conrad

MsLonelyGal,

Hold the kiss a bit longer than is customary. Use your hands.

Pretty much, that's all you need to do.


----------



## Deejo

Conrad said:


> MsLonelyGal,
> 
> Hold the kiss a bit longer than is customary. Use your hands.
> 
> Pretty much, that's all you need to do.


OR ...

hold the kiss then grab the hair in back of his head and pull it back a little bit, then in a deadpan voice, staring into his eyes say the following:
"Get the f*ck upstairs, take your clothes off, and wait."

He'll be too shocked to do anything other than follow the instruction.


----------



## Conrad

Deejo said:


> OR ...
> 
> hold the kiss then grab the hair in back of his head and pull it back a little bit, then in a deadpan voice, staring into his eyes say the following:
> "Get the f*ck upstairs, take your clothes off, and wait."
> 
> He'll be too shocked to do anything other than follow the instruction.


Depends on how assertive you are


----------



## drdrfor

I followed your advice and the results were far more than my expectations. Thanx


----------



## drdrfor

Although I hear what you're saying, and considering issues like my weight and cleanliness are not factors, I still want her to show intent and desire when she approaches me. An "I want you" look in her eyes would be a help


----------



## drdrfor

Point taken


----------



## drdrfor

when I have been assertive she has taken it as a demand. and backs away from the encounter. She feels I am expecting things she can't measure up to. In that, My picture is way different than hers and there is stalemates


----------



## drdrfor

It's not as much "hunt" environment is an established marriage. The conquer factor has done it's part. I'm nor interested in winning other women's adoration I just want raw lust from my wife


----------



## chefmaster

drdrfor said:


> I just want raw lust from my wife


You may want to work on the start/stop technique throughout the day right up til go-time, brief intense(sometimes playful) make-out sessions including kissing of the neck, manual clitoral stimulation, etc.
Then the same thing when it is go time, including external stimulation only of the vaginal area(to include the clitoris) by the penis, except don't go far enough to allow orgasm by either of you.
Sometimes this will cause a woman to enter wanton-sex-mode and flat out jump your bones. You are still the initiator for now, but she may end up being the finisher and might get you some of that raw lust you desire and could be a good start


----------



## Nekko

Actually, as a mid-twenty relatively low self esteem female, please do mention what you understand by a woman initiating. I'm having trouble with that. I feel like i'd actually need an instruction manual. 

I have plenty of lust for my husband but the fear of rejection i get when i try to initiate pretty much obliterates that lust while all that's going on in my head is "how not to make a fool out of myself". 

So please, do explain.
"I am still learning what my husband considers initiation.What he wants me to do. He doesn't seem to react to somethings that I think are pretty blatant."
Same problem here. Plus to avoid that perceived rejection i just signal through body language and flirt. He never, ever gets what i'm doing. Whenever i tell him that i caused the sex encounter he just doesn't believe me and tells me he just got in the mood and started sex. That's when i paid attention all freaking day to my body language to get him hot. I even told him he doesn't have to understand or recognize it, as long as other parts of him respond, it's all good.


----------



## drdrfor

[QUOTE I have plenty of lust for my husband but the fear of rejection i get when i try to initiate pretty much obliterates that lust while all that's going on in my head is "how not to make a fool out of myself". [/QUOTE]

Your thoughts pretty much mirror what my wife said. I told her that as a husband (much more so than when I was single, where rejection was all considered part of the game) the fear of rejection is no less on the man's part. 

We then made an agreement that for the next while, rejection was not an option. We discussed this point back and forth but finally agreed that it was in both our interests to declare an erotic free zone. So far it has worked and no one's toes have been stepped on or injustice been committed.


----------



## Jadegreen

cool thread. Learning how to initiate is puzzling if you have grown up playing the women's role, which is more about gatekeeping. So now I find myself wondering about putting my arm across his shoulders in an invitational way. I mean, initiating requires some chutzpah. You have to kind of move into someone's space even if you don't know if they are in the mood. The women's role doesn't have that because obviously the guy who is initiating is in the mood, right? So if you initiate you kind of have to put yourself out there. It also means you might let yourself get all in the mood, and let that kind of build up, and then find out he's tired, or your technique wasn't good, etc. It's hard work! and pretty much a bummer if there is a flat no (which there often is). Respect to you dudes out there!! In fact, I have been reading flirting techniques. Not just how to put on good lingerie, but how to start from what seems like zero and get somewhere. I figure it must apply to marriages too. Maybe even more so because there is no obvious stage - its not like you have gone to the bar or dance and expect to get hit on - you have to do it in the middle of grocery lists and dental appointments.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Nekko, do anything. In lieu of over analyzing everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs.G

You could ask your wife to wear lingerie when she wants sex. That might be a subtle and silent approach which she would be more comfortable with.
She may want to try giving you a passionate kiss while rubbing the outside of your crotch. Ear and neck nibbling is a nice signal as well.
I love being assertive in bed, but sometimes I like allowing Mr.G to take the lead. This morning, he woke me by rubbing my lady bits. Later, I received a racy email about what he wanted tonight. We'll have an amazing time, because of all the teasing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal

I'm terrified of rejection but I've come to realize that initiating is what my dh wants me to do more often so I'm doing it. Here's the way I'm approaching it. In my head I assume he isn't interested at all which forces me to bring my A game to approaching him. The other night I started while we were on the couch. I started massaging his back while straddling him from behind. I'd whisper that this would be more fun if he were naked and kept going. I kissed him on his neck, his ears, and whispered how much I loved his body....yeah that worked. 

I'd be too chicken to just say "want to have sex?" because in my past history that leaves him free to say "no I'm tired". Not going there.


----------

