# My husband respects our dog more than me it seems!



## mukey

We've been married 4 years now and we finally decided to get a dog. We got an older dog, he's 7. A few weeks after we got the dog we got him neutered and because of the post-op cone we had to sleep on the couch because he couldn't fit in his crate. My husband didn't even care that he and I couldn't sleep together. in fact he wanted to sleep downstairs with the dog for more than what was necessary. When we are all walking together, he walks ahead with the dog. He doesn't seem to listen to me anymore; he is all about the dog. We don't cuddle on the couch anymore or in bed. All we do is talk about our dog. I feel like he respects our dog more than he respects me. It's really insulting.
How can I approach this?


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## credamdóchasgra

I think you are being a little oversensitive.
Is this a puppy?
If so, it's not unusual for an owner to need to sleep near for awhile when it's very young.
Walking ahead with a new doggy is upsetting you? Why not laugh at how cute it is and appreciate how excited your husband is at a new little thing that needs taken care of.
Or get more involved with the dog care so you won't feel as left out.
This is likely a temporary condition, but having a baby someday will also take out of your cuddle time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Talk to him and tell him you are feeling a bit neglected lately.


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## Mrs.G

credamdóchasgra said:


> I think you are being a little oversensitive.
> Is this a puppy?
> If so, it's not unusual for an owner to need to sleep near for awhile when it's very young.
> Walking ahead with a new doggy is upsetting you? Why not laugh at how cute it is and appreciate how excited your husband is at a new little thing that needs taken care of.
> Or get more involved with the dog care so you won't feel as left out.
> This is likely a temporary condition, but having a baby someday will also take out of your cuddle time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The dog is seven. I agree that this is a small issue.
Children certainly interrupt cuddle time. If a dog can make someone this jealous, that person should rethink being a parent.


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## okeydokie

pay more attention to your diamonds


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## Mrs.G

okeydokie said:


> pay more attention to your diamonds


:lol::lol::rofl::rofl: I love this! My diamonds are so riveting!!:smthumbup:


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## magnoliagal

I have this theory that some people who love animals more than people have intimacy issues. It's easier for them to love an animal because they get unconditional love without effort, the animal doesn't nag, the animal meets a need that is sometimes missing in a relationship. I think mothers do this with babies/kids too.

This is a touchy subject for me because my own mother loved our dog more than she loved her own kids. I've seen my best friend do it with one of her dogs. Even my own sister seems to care more about her dogs than her kids.

No idea how to approach it though. Just popping in to give you some sympathy. It sucks to share your spouse sometimes with anything regardless of what it is (hobby, kids, pets, job, etc.)


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## mukey

Mrs.G said:


> The dog is seven. I agree that this is a small issue.
> Children certainly interrupt cuddle time. If a dog can make someone this jealous, that person should rethink being a parent.


I don't think I am being overly sensitive or jealous. I am feeling neglected when we are all out walking and I am being left behind on a dark street while he goes ahead with the dog. When he gets home from work he doesn't give me a glance; he just pets the dog and tells him how much he missed it. Don't get me wrong - I adore our dog, but there needs to be a balance.

Nowhere in my post did I say that we wanted to be parents.



credamdóchasgra said:


> I think you are being a little oversensitive.
> Is this a puppy?
> If so, it's not unusual for an owner to need to sleep near for awhile when it's very young.
> Walking ahead with a new doggy is upsetting you? Why not laugh at how cute it is and appreciate how excited your husband is at a new little thing that needs taken care of.
> Or get more involved with the dog care so you won't feel as left out.
> This is likely a temporary condition, but having a baby someday will also take out of your cuddle time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our dog is 7 as indicated in my OP.


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## mukey

magnoliagal said:


> I have this theory that some people who love animals more than people have intimacy issues. It's easier for them to love an animal because they get unconditional love without effort, the animal doesn't nag, the animal meets a need that is sometimes missing in a relationship. I think mothers do this with babies/kids too.
> 
> This is a touchy subject for me because my own mother loved our dog more than she loved her own kids. I've seen my best friend do it with one of her dogs. Even my own sister seems to care more about her dogs than her kids.
> 
> No idea how to approach it though. Just popping in to give you some sympathy. It sucks to share your spouse sometimes with anything regardless of what it is (hobby, kids, pets, job, etc.)


Thanks for understanding; the breeder where we got our dog from is the same - she loves all of her dogs more than her daughter and grandchild. I approached the subject last night and he got very offended. Today he is trying a lot harder which I appreciate. Hopefully it is no longer an issue; however this evening I stubbed my toe and when I cried out "****!" and startled the dog, guess who got the "oh oh, did she scare you?". Nice.


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## magnoliagal

mukey said:


> however this evening I stubbed my toe and when I cried out "****!" and startled the dog, guess who got the "oh oh, did she scare you?". Nice.


Exactly!! This is the same **** my mom used to do. Infuriated me to no end. I've since learned in counseling that she just flat out didn't like me so it was true she did love the dog more than me.

My best friend? She'll tell you to your face that she loves her dog more than her kids. Her kids are high maintenance (crack babies that she adopted) but still that is a cruel thing to say.


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## 4sure

magnoliagal said:


> I have this theory that some people who love animals more than people have intimacy issues. It's easier for them to love an animal because they get unconditional love without effort, the animal doesn't nag, the animal meets a need that is sometimes missing in a relationship.


:iagree: emotional issues as well. Can't express their emotions toward a person, but can with a dog.


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## 4sure

mukey said:


> We've been married 4 years now and we finally decided to get a dog. We got an older dog, he's 7. A few weeks after we got the dog we got him neutered and because of the post-op cone we had to sleep on the couch because he couldn't fit in his crate. My husband didn't even care that he and I couldn't sleep together. in fact he wanted to sleep downstairs with the dog for more than what was necessary. When we are all walking together, he walks ahead with the dog. He doesn't seem to listen to me anymore; he is all about the dog. We don't cuddle on the couch anymore or in bed. All we do is talk about our dog. I feel like he respects our dog more than he respects me. It's really insulting.
> How can I approach this?


I have faced a similar issue with my husband for years, so I have no advice. He has gotten better over the years.

Wait until the dog starts to destroy your things, and he takes up for the dog.


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## magnoliagal

4sure said:


> Wait until the dog starts to destroy your things, and he takes up for the dog.


Or when the dog gets gravely ill and you go without so the dog can live just a bit longer with pricey we can't afford it cancer treatments and surgeries.


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## Mrs.G

mukey said:


> I don't think I am being overly sensitive or jealous. I am feeling neglected when we are all out walking and I am being left behind on a dark street while he goes ahead with the dog. When he gets home from work he doesn't give me a glance; he just pets the dog and tells him how much he missed it. Don't get me wrong - I adore our dog, but there needs to be a balance.
> I didn't know that he wasn't acknowledging you first and leaving you in the dark. Sorry. That is not nice of him.
> Nowhere in my post did I say that we wanted to be parents.
> I realize that. Not all couples want kids; we sure don't. I'm just saying that if you did have kids, the same thing might be happening.
> 
> 
> 
> Our dog is 7 as indicated in my OP.


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## Runs like Dog

I on occasion train dogs. I started and funded a group that trained and provided guard dogs and pursuit dogs to a group of people overseas for free. I have 3 rescues at home now. One's a drug sniffer, one's a bomb dog, one's a scrub from hunting school. They all have dog PTSD. I grew up with dogs that hunt other animals, particularly Ridgebacks, Azawakhs, Boerboels and various pack hounds; Beagles, Harriers, Foxhounds.

Dogs are dogs. They are not people. They don't have 'personalities' because they are not persons. They have behaviors and moods. They do what you let them get away with doing. They are naturally lazy and territorial. They assume they are the pack leader unless you train them otherwise. A dog is only as ill behaved as its owner. 

And while I love my stupid dogs I am not prepared to do heroic means to keep them alive if they have cancer or epilepsy or brain disease or a stroke or paralysis. Circle of life, baby.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Okay - this I understand.

Animals and people are different entities.

People don't do things expecting nothing in return. There is usually a I do this for you, I expect this in return.

Animals aren't like people in that respect. They except nothing - they give and have no perception of receiving anything for the love they give.

It's easier to love animals because they don't expect anything from you. They have simplistic needs that are usually met by a pat on the head or a good boy or what a crazy cat. Simple - very effortless and in return they will protect you and love you no matter what.

People are more complex, more work, more emotions involved. Needs that you have to work at and so on.

My husband LOVES our three cats. He will hug them, pet them, let them lay on him, eat off his plate - anything and everything. 

I don't get the same treatment. This used to make me jealous - I was actually angry and jealous at those three babies for quite a few months. And with names like Rabbit, Elmer and EbE - how could you be mad?

It took some time for me to realize that he didn't "love" the cats more than me - he loved them differently. They didn't expect anything from him - they accepted him exactly like he was and loved him anyway and showed it - no matter what- they weren't too tired, or too mad or too pissed off or doing a 180 because their needs weren't getting met.

It's not about YOU - but you are making it about you. 

Two different types of love. The love he gives the dog is unconditional and expects nothing in return.

The love he gives you has all kinds of strings attached.

Let him love the dog, he will still love you - just differently.


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## Mrs.G

Runs like Dog said:


> I on occasion train dogs. I started and funded a group that trained and provided guard dogs and pursuit dogs to a group of people overseas for free. I have 3 rescues at home now. One's a drug sniffer, one's a bomb dog, one's a scrub from hunting school. They all have dog PTSD. I grew up with dogs that hunt other animals, particularly Ridgebacks, Azawakhs, Boerboels and various pack hounds; Beagles, Harriers, Foxhounds.
> 
> Dogs are dogs. They are not people. They don't have 'personalities' because they are not persons. They have behaviors and moods. They do what you let them get away with doing. They are naturally lazy and territorial. They assume they are the pack leader unless you train them otherwise. A dog is only as ill behaved as its owner.
> 
> And while I love my stupid dogs I am not prepared to do heroic means to keep them alive if they have cancer or epilepsy or brain disease or a stroke or paralysis. Circle of life, baby.


:iagree: I have had to put down two cats. One had a stroke and the other had colitis with severe teeth problems. They were suffering! I miss the first one dearly; I still carry her tags on my key chain. I am just glad that she is no longer suffering.


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## Mrs.G

magnoliagal said:


> Exactly!! This is the same **** my mom used to do. Infuriated me to no end. I've since learned in counseling that she just flat out didn't like me so it was true she did love the dog more than me.
> 
> My best friend? She'll tell you to your face that she loves her dog more than her kids. Her kids are high maintenance (crack babies that she adopted) but still that is a cruel thing to say.


I agree that is cruel, but it is also her truth. 
Many mothers would choose not to have children (or adopt) if they had it to do over again. 
Maybe she was just confiding in you as a friend? I would tell my best friend the same thing if it was true.


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## magnoliagal

Mrs.G said:


> I agree that is cruel, but it is also her truth.
> Many mothers would choose not to have children (or adopt) if they had it to do over again.
> Maybe she was just confiding in you as a friend? I would tell my best friend the same thing if it was true.


Yes it's her truth and I accept it. My friend was confiding in me I know. I do not judge her for that. I was just making a point that it happens. I don't like her kids either and am secretly glad they moved away. They are messed up. They will end up in jail or dead one day. Crack babies are a different breed and no you can't always love it out of them.


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## Syrum

I am sad for any person who gets put second to an animal. Children, spouses it doesn't matter. People make choices about who comes first in their lives, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving your pets as long as it's done in a way that puts your* people* family first.


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## Mrs.G

magnoliagal said:


> Yes it's her truth and I accept it. My friend was confiding in me I know. I do not judge her for that. I was just making a point that it happens. I don't like her kids either and am secretly glad they moved away. They are messed up. They will end up in jail or dead one day. Crack babies are a different breed and no you can't always love it out of them.


Well, they could possibly turn out very well. The past doesn't have to dictate one's future.
I could have kept going down an awful, self destructive path. I managed to turn my life around. I could have been on govt benefits and institutionalized for life. I proved everyone wrong.


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## magnoliagal

Mrs.G said:


> Well, they could possibly turn out very well. The past doesn't have to dictate one's future.
> I could have kept going down an awful, self destructive path. I managed to turn my life around. I could have been on govt benefits and institutionalized for life. I proved everyone wrong.


I hope so cause right now it's not looking so good.


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## Freak On a Leash

Your husband is a sick puppy! :rofl:

Sorry to make light of it. I know the type. I make my living in the pet industry and believe me, people who won't hesitate to dote and spend tons of money on their dogs are my bread and butter. More power to them! :smthumbup: It's what's made my business almost recession proof..the love and dedication of pet owners to their pets well being. 

However, I don't tell people what I do because then they will then blab at me endlessly with tales about their little poopsie and how wonderful their dog is and how they did this and how they did that and what do I think...blah blah blah.. To be honest, I don't want to hear it so rather than be rude and tell them to shut up I just tell them I do something else for my livelihood. 

I like dogs and enjoy working with them but as someone pointed out: They are dogs, not people. I often have to remind my customers of this. I see people spend oodles of money getting operations for 15 year old dogs with terminal cancer or they won't go on vacation with their family because they don't want to leave the dog behind, etc, etc. 

The customers who act unreasonable with me because of their irrational obsession with their pet don't last long. I like the people who love their pets and are concerned about them but realize that they are DOGS..not their kids, not the Be ALL and End All of their existence...just pets that give joy and happiness to them and are fun to have as companions. 

But the ones who are truly wacko are usually too much trouble to deal with so I usually end up cutting them loose. 

Sounds like your H would be one of these. You might want to lock the door or a few times or stop making dinner for him..basically cut him off and hopefully he'll remember why he married a woman, not a dog.


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## okeydokie

i see alot of woman at ballparks (i live at softball/baseball parks) with these tiny teacup terriers or other similar dogs, they are everywhere, and these women dote over these mutts like crazy. funny thing is the husbands dont seem to care because it keeps the wives occupied and away from them.

conversely, i have seen the men with these big brute type dogs, labs, rotweilers, etc... and they dote over them and it drives the wives crazy because the men arent paying attention to them.

interesting paradox


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## Bobo

I have been visiting this forum for a few months and after reading this post I decided to join and participate.

I have been married 15 years. My wife is very involved with animal rescue non-profits and we had two dogs (and numerous cats) that lived with us for the majority of our marriage.

It was very difficult living with my wife due to her infatuation with the animals. Over the past 11 years (since we had the dogs) I have never been on a vacation without the dogs. There were numerous instances when we could have gone somewhere for the weekend but it never happened because they dogs would have to come with us. Putting them in a kennel for the weekend was not an option because my wife didn't believe that dogs should be put in a kennel. Every vacation centered around renting an SUV (so we could bring the dogs), finding a hotel that would allow dogs, and so on. We would rarely fly anywhere because of the dogs. When we would get to our destination our routine was get up and walk the dogs, go out for a few hours, come back to check on the dogs, then go back out, and usually call it an early day.

Between 2007 and 2009 it got really bad. Our lab developed spine problems and was going to the bathroom inside the house, everyday. He passed away in 2008 and then our collie developed dementia. I rarely got sleep, he would drive me crazy because he would bark nonstop at nothing (part of the dementia) and also pace around the house. I was working on my PhD and I had to leave home to study for my comprehensive exams it was so bad. I remember not getting any sleep at night and then having to drive 4 hours to present a paper with my brain fried from the stress. This went on for another year until I had to put the collie down. I had to fight with my wife to do this. Both dogs suffered in the end, needlessly. I suffered too but my wife doesn't see it this way. I was an unreasonable husband for not being supportive.

Over the years, between our own pets and the 'rescue' animals she brought home, our furniture was destroyed, doors chewed up etc. The dogs had to sleep in our bedroom and they would keep me up at night. My wife and I would fight nonstop about this and it never changed until the dogs (and cats) died.

We do not have pets now and I will never allow another dog or cat in my house. 

I still have some resentment regarding all of this. She never, not once, apologized for all of this. I had no control over the situation and never had the authority, in my own home, to change it.

The best advice I can give mukey is to talk to your spouse and address this issue early. If they are reasonable and open minded the problem can get fixed. Some spouses are not reasonable and open minded and it will not get fixed. For me, all of this has emptied a part of my heart and I do not feel the same way towards my wife.

Just to add to this, after the dogs passed we had two children. I love my little angels and I am a very active father and spend tons of time with them. I am also the type that needs 'adult time' to spend alone with my wife. 

The same problems I had with the dogs have resurfaced with the kids. I have been told I will not have a vacation alone with my wife until we are 60 and the kids are out of the home. Date nights are not an option because babysitters are not appropriate for our children. We did go to counseling to address all of these issues and she has made some changes. We do spend Friday afternoons together alone (maybe once a month) but for me it is not enough. I could go on but you get the picture.

At this juncture in my marriage I realize we are simply not compatible. My dreams, fantasies, goals and what I expect out of a marriage are totally different than my wife's. The solution for me is to take it day by day (live for the moment as my marriage counselor told me) and 'build walls' around the negative aspects of your marriage. At the end of the day though, when there are too many compatibility issues, all you are left with is one huge wall. That is how a marriage dies.


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## Kevan

This is the wisest post in this thread.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay - this I understand.
> 
> Animals and people are different entities.
> 
> People don't do things expecting nothing in return. There is usually a I do this for you, I expect this in return.
> 
> Animals aren't like people in that respect. They except nothing - they give and have no perception of receiving anything for the love they give.
> 
> It's easier to love animals because they don't expect anything from you. They have simplistic needs that are usually met by a pat on the head or a good boy or what a crazy cat. Simple - very effortless and in return they will protect you and love you no matter what.
> 
> People are more complex, more work, more emotions involved. Needs that you have to work at and so on.
> 
> My husband LOVES our three cats. He will hug them, pet them, let them lay on him, eat off his plate - anything and everything.
> 
> I don't get the same treatment. This used to make me jealous - I was actually angry and jealous at those three babies for quite a few months. And with names like Rabbit, Elmer and EbE - how could you be mad?
> 
> It took some time for me to realize that he didn't "love" the cats more than me - he loved them differently. They didn't expect anything from him - they accepted him exactly like he was and loved him anyway and showed it - no matter what- they weren't too tired, or too mad or too pissed off or doing a 180 because their needs weren't getting met.
> 
> It's not about YOU - but you are making it about you.
> 
> Two different types of love. The love he gives the dog is unconditional and expects nothing in return.
> 
> The love he gives you has all kinds of strings attached.
> 
> Let him love the dog, he will still love you - just differently.


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## Salted

This thread really hits home for me.

My husband just admitted to me that he loves the dog just as much as he loves me, or our unborn child (I am 7 months pregnant). He told me that he wouldn't know what to do if he was forced to choose between the dog and me, or if the dog bit our baby, since, according to him, the dog is as much part of our family as either of us.

I am really, really hurt by this revelation. I think that it might irrevocably change my feelings towards my husband and permanently damage our relationship. I can't believe that I- who have accompanied him on dozens of trips to the emergency room because of his neurological condition, who has dealt with the symptoms of his serious mental illness, who has done so many of his household chores for him, who has sometimes put up with emotional abuse and physical intimidation at his hands, who has chosen him over my family- mean nothing more to him than our dog. I don't get why he loves her so much, and me and his unborn child so little. (especially since our dog is so... unremarkable: not loyal, not affectionate, not playful, well-behaved, but very boring).

I don't know what to do. Just letting you know I feel your pain.


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## YinPrincess

The dog is a new toy! Eventually the newness will wear off!


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## Syrum

Salted said:


> This thread really hits home for me.
> 
> My husband just admitted to me that he loves the dog just as much as he loves me, or our unborn child (I am 7 months pregnant). He told me that he wouldn't know what to do if he was forced to choose between the dog and me, or if the dog bit our baby, since, according to him, the dog is as much part of our family as either of us.
> 
> I am really, really hurt by this revelation. I think that it might irrevocably change my feelings towards my husband and permanently damage our relationship. I can't believe that I- who have accompanied him on dozens of trips to the emergency room because of his neurological condition, who has dealt with the symptoms of his serious mental illness, who has done so many of his household chores for him, who has sometimes put up with emotional abuse and physical intimidation at his hands, who has chosen him over my family- mean nothing more to him than our dog. I don't get why he loves her so much, and me and his unborn child so little. (especially since our dog is so... unremarkable: not loyal, not affectionate, not playful, well-behaved, but very boring).
> 
> I don't know what to do. Just letting you know I feel your pain.


Your husband quite frankly is a twit.

He loves the dog as much as you? Seriously that is ridiculous. 

I think you need counseling and before the baby is born.

If he is abusive, why do you stay?

You do know he probably said that to hurt you?


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## Hurra

My wife and I have a dog we rescued. It has issues, mainly with me. My wife would do anything for our dog, and spend anything. The dog eats better than us. My wife gives our dog more attention than me. Its not uncommon for her to kiss/hug the dog many times before I get one. When we wake up, she rather invite the dog up onto the bed versus have time for us in bed.

Due to the dogs issues with me, my wife and I have come to blows on a few occasions. She says I do not do enough to work on those issues and don't put our family first but that is farther from the truth. I've done training with the dog, walk it on a regular basis, take it places, have bonding time etc. I am also the one that lets it out to do its business 4x a day, get it snacks/meals/treats (occasionally she does it if I am indisposed). She wants me to read books, give up more of my time, etc to work on those issues. The main issue is the dog is afraid of most people, and often afraid of me. 

I don't want to read books and put all this effort into the dog when I don't even know if the outcome will be positive. Not even a trainer could give us proper guidance. Reading a book on dog theory or about dogs with typical issues is not going to work in our case. We need someone like Cesar. And its a dog, not our child. Its a pet. She treats it as if its her own child. She often references us as mommy and daddy. 

Luckily, she is not one of these who goes crazy with toys, treats, funny dog outfits.

I think I've gone beyond what most spouses would do in my situation. And to her, it seems I never do enough. Lately we have found a balance but one day when the dog takes a few steps backwards in her progress, I will be blamed.


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## Ayrun

A lot of people vent out parenting urges through pet owning. This is more prevalent with women though, I think.


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## Hurra

Ayrun said:


> A lot of people vent out parenting urges through pet owning. This is more prevalent with women though, I think.


That is indeed a big part of it, perhaps the biggest or even single reason.


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## turnera

Salted said:


> I don't get why he loves her so much, and me and his unborn child so little.


Because you teach people how to treat you. If you don't respect yourself enough, neither will he.


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## frustated

I once made the mistake during an argument with my wife by saying that my dog shows me more affection than you do!


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## turnera

Mine did, too. I just said, if you'd rather be kissed by someone who licks his private parts before kissing you, go right ahead.


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