# How to decide if to continue marriage or end it?



## Chez (8 mo ago)

I will try to be as short and honest as possible, but it’s a long story. So during lockdown I had a 3 month old baby and 8 and 9 year old boys, I found this really hard and suffered from postnatal depression. I was hard to live with, became down and didn’t enjoy doing anything. It was a good day if I managed to brush my hair. My husband, together for 14 years, was originally really supportive and tried his best to help me. After a few months he started to become irritated that I was still struggling and would start staying at work until 8pm sometimes 10pm, he runs his own business and within reason can choose his hours,he would ignore my calls and texts, and lie about where he was and who he was with. A few days after finding out that my mum had breast cancer, he can home late and I started to shout at him demanding why he was behaving the way he was, he eventually told me he didn’t know if he loved me or not and was unsure if he wanted to stay with me. Ever since then we have been stuck in a cycle of him being cold and distant, then I would have enough and ask him to leave, he would then say he loves me and wants it to work and would put in a lot of effort, then I would start to trust him again and try to move the relationship forward, he would then say he was still unsure. To say it’s been souls destroying is an understatement. The last few months we have been getting on really well and I was starting to feel happy with where we were at, so I tried to have a chat about moving forward and rebuilding trust. I tried to be positive and focus the talk on moving forward and building a solid relationship. To which he said he was still unsure on whether we can work. He feels I pushed him too hard the day he told me he didn’t know if he loved me and puts most of the blame of our marriage on this day, and his not sure he can forgive me for that. He also feels he can’t have the lifestyle he wants with me, as we have no support with the children, and he wants to experience life and not let it pass him by, and he wants to share it with someone but I’m stuck in the house with the children. He feels the only way he can get what he wants is if he leaves me and builds a connection with someone else. He would prefer to do that with me but it’s impossible. I am very hurt by that, and feel replaceable and unappreciated for what I do for our family. I feel stuck in this cycle, before all of this we had a lovely relationship and we both felt we had something really special. I have been holding on to that in the hopes that we can get to that again, but I’m so unhappy and in a lot of pain as I really love him, and would do anything for it to work.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Check the phone bill.


----------



## Chez (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Check the phone bill.


Unfortunately I don’t have any access to that as his company pays for it


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Suggestion: Pick up his phone when he's sleeping or not around. Check out the texts and saved #'s.

Does he keep his phone glued to his body all the time? Does he hide it from you?

You know where I'm going with this, right?


----------



## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Sadly, I was going to say the same thing. I think you need to check and see if there’s another person in the scene.

I thought my relationship was rock solid and my husband was staying late at his own business. Found out what I needed to know by checking his phone and his texts. I hope it is not the case but I have my suspicions.


----------



## greatgal (8 mo ago)

Been there and check his phone when he is not there.I suggest you get help,I have ptsd and anxiety issues from what my estranged husband did to me.I see a therapist for this


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chez said:


> I will try to be as short and honest as possible, but it’s a long story. So during lockdown I had a 3 month old baby and 8 and 9 year old boys, I found this really hard and suffered from postnatal depression. I was hard to live with, became down and didn’t enjoy doing anything. It was a good day if I managed to brush my hair. My husband, together for 14 years, was originally really supportive and tried his best to help me. After a few months he started to become irritated that I was still struggling and would start staying at work until 8pm sometimes 10pm, he runs his own business and within reason can choose his hours,he would ignore my calls and texts, and lie about where he was and who he was with. A few days after finding out that my mum had breast cancer, he can home late and I started to shout at him demanding why he was behaving the way he was, he eventually told me he didn’t know if he loved me or not and was unsure if he wanted to stay with me. Ever since then we have been stuck in a cycle of him being cold and distant, then I would have enough and ask him to leave, he would then say he loves me and wants it to work and would put in a lot of effort, then I would start to trust him again and try to move the relationship forward, he would then say he was still unsure. To say it’s been souls destroying is an understatement. The last few months we have been getting on really well and I was starting to feel happy with where we were at, so I tried to have a chat about moving forward and rebuilding trust. I tried to be positive and focus the talk on moving forward and building a solid relationship. To which he said he was still unsure on whether we can work. He feels I pushed him too hard the day he told me he didn’t know if he loved me and puts most of the blame of our marriage on this day, and his not sure he can forgive me for that. He also feels he can’t have the lifestyle he wants with me, as we have no support with the children, and he wants to experience life and not let it pass him by, and he wants to share it with someone but I’m stuck in the house with the children. He feels the only way he can get what he wants is if he leaves me and builds a connection with someone else. He would prefer to do that with me but it’s impossible. I am very hurt by that, and feel replaceable and unappreciated for what I do for our family. I feel stuck in this cycle, before all of this we had a lovely relationship and we both felt we had something really special. I have been holding on to that in the hopes that we can get to that again, but I’m so unhappy and in a lot of pain as I really love him, and would do anything for it to work.


YOur H sounds like a selfish POS! These are his kids also right? Start the 180 immediately and act like you believe every word he says from now on, that the marriage is over, no pleading, discussing, begging, anything. You need to be ready to lose this marriage to save it. Go out with friends for a drink, leave the kids with him. Show him you are moving on with your life without him in it. From now on give him a taste of what it would be like to have no housemaid. No more cooking, cleaning, ironing for him. Leave the house and let him take care of the children when he comes home. After all, I am sure he will be getting 50% custody. You must insist on it. let him experience what it would really be like to be a divorced father of 3 kids. He thinks he can dump it all on you and run off into the sunset with someone else, but he forgets he will not have a full time babysitter when he goes on his dates. Do you have qualifications? Can you get a job?

I suspect you had post partum depression during lockdown. Many men go off the rails with a pregnant wife or one who has just given birth cause they feel ignored and because they are self-centred and do not realize what the wife might be going through in a lockdown with no support and having so many kids to take care of. Let him go, at the first sign of difficulty he wants to go play the field, his is no grand prize.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Chez said:


> I was hard to live with, became down and didn’t enjoy doing anything. It was a good day if I managed to brush my hair. My husband, together for 14 years, was originally really supportive and tried his best to help me. After a few months he started to become irritated that I was still struggling and would start staying at work until 8pm sometimes 10pm, he runs his own business and within reason can choose his hours,he would ignore my calls and texts, and lie about where he was and who he was with. A few days after finding out that my mum had breast cancer, he can home late and I started to shout at him demanding why he was behaving the way he was,


For whatever reason, you made your home a place that your husband did not want to come back to at the end of the day, so he separated himself from the situation. My wife did the same many years ago. We were having some financial problems and I was working my tail off trying to get us out from under it. I would come home and the wife would start in on me right away about her having to take care of the kids all day by herself and what needed to be done around the house that wasn't getting done and on and on and on. I finally told her that I would rather stay at work 24/7 rather than come home to her. That hit her right between the eyes and she immediately made changes so that home was a nice place to come home to.

Men are not complicated. They need food, sex, and back rubs. That's it. You give him that and he will swim through shark infested waters for you. You have driven him away. Maybe you can fix it, maybe not. He may be too far gone.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Diceplayer said:


> For whatever reason, you made your home a place that your husband did not want to come back to at the end of the day, so he separated himself from the situation. My wife did the same many years ago. We were having some financial problems and I was working my tail off trying to get us out from under it. I would come home and the wife would start in on me right away about her having to take care of the kids all day by herself and what needed to be done around the house that wasn't getting done and on and on and on. I finally told her that I would rather stay at work 24/7 rather than come home to her. That hit her right between the eyes and she immediately made changes so that home was a nice place to come home to.
> 
> Men are not complicated. They need food, sex, and back rubs. That's it. You give him that and he will swim through shark infested waters for you. You have driven him away. Maybe you can fix it, maybe not. He may be too far gone.


Men may not be complicated but they are sometimes dumb. I suspect she had post-partum depression after just giving birth and having a house to run and two other kids with what appears to be little support in the middle of a lockdown. Go figure but OP's husband sounds like a selfish jerk and you have just written a huge pile of crap right there putting the blame on her for his desire to abandon his family and his probable cheating (I bet he is already testing a new model hence the dissatisfaction). 

A man may well be working hard all day but taking care of a home and kids all day is no bloody joke and is hard work esp with a brand new baby. OP do not listen to this. A mature sensible man (not a man-child) will sit down and discuss with you not decide he wants to have fun and leave all the responsibility to you while he test runs a new model cause boo hoo he doesn't feel fully appreciated at home. How much does he actually help at home. Some men think they are God's gift when in actual fact they are nothing but little boys who don't know what it is to be a leader in the home. He helped create the kids, he sure as hell needs to take 50% responsibility for them.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have post natal depression & it adversely affected everything about how you function. That is understandable. It's the nature of the disease. To someone who has never experienced depression they think you can just snap out of it. 

Sit down & talk to your husband but instead of depression, have him substitute the word cancer for what is wrong with you. It's a more sympathetic disease. Ask him if he thinks he would have fallen out of love with you & worked so hard for so long away from you if you had cancer. When the answer is no, ask why it's OK for him to be away from you with the disease you have, depression. 

But it's more that than too. He has GIGs. He wants some fancy free life with no child rearing responsibilities. That's the real kicker here. He's done being a dad & the life that entails. Lying to you about where he is & who he's with is more than just avoiding you because he's depressed. You need to tell him that he has 2 choices: get out or work with you in MC if he really loves you.


----------



## tarduck (Apr 1, 2021)

aine said:


> Men may not be complicated but they are sometimes dumb. I suspect she had post-partum depression after just giving birth and having a house to run and two other kids with what appears to be little support in the middle of a lockdown. Go figure but OP's husband sounds like a selfish jerk and you have just written a huge pile of crap right there putting the blame on her for his desire to abandon his family and his probable cheating (I bet he is already testing a new model hence the dissatisfaction).
> 
> A man may well be working hard all day but taking care of a home and kids all day is no bloody joke and is hard work esp with a brand new baby. OP do not listen to this. A mature sensible man (not a man-child) will sit down and discuss with you not decide he wants to have fun and leave all the responsibility to you while he test runs a new model cause boo hoo he doesn't feel fully appreciated at home. How much does he actually help at home. Some men think they are God's gift when in actual fact they are nothing but little boys who don't know what it is to be a leader in the home. He helped create the kids, he sure as hell needs to take 50% responsibility for them.


----------

