# Bad Temper, Poor Communication



## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

My husband & I have been married for 2 years, together for 7 years. The last 7 months have been difficult and now I'm at the point where I just don't know if we're going to make it. We tried counseling and that has not helped. It's all a long story but basically it boils down to this. We don't communicate very well; he has a quick temper; now doesn't want me bringing any issues I have to him because it will just result in an argument; and now we really don't say much to each other and pretty much just go off doing our own thing in separate rooms.

When his temper started to be directed towards me I started having concerns about it getting physical. Normally I try to control my tone with him, despite the tone he's using with me, because I know it will just add fuel to the fire. But, at this time I didn't. I raised my voice at him on the phone, like he does with me, and he told me not to raise my voice at him and then ended up just getting off the phone. That night when he came home we didn't say a word to each other. The next day he came to me and demanded that I owe him an apology (for raising my voice at him the previous day). I walked off and he grabbed my wrist and turned me around and as he raised his other hand, I flinched because I thought he was going to hit me. But, he actually grabbed my upper arm and restrained me until I apologized. He's never done anything like that before. Now I'm especially concerned that he might actually hit me; even though he says he won't. I'm not satisfied with that because he isn't doing anything to address his temper. He's only said he's been that way all his life and he's not going to change. BTW, I did know he had a temper before we got married but it never was directed at me, so now I feel really foolish.

I just feel like I can't move forward because my concerns about our lack of communication and his temper can't be addressed. He doesn't want to talk about it; he just wants me to just let it go. Honestly I'm afraid to leave my marriage because I'm afraid I may regret my decision later.

I hope someone can offer some helpful words of advice...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

There is a lot of fear expressed here, and it's running your life right now. Some of it is obviously based on his behavior--but to stay in a potentially dangerous situation b/c you fear the unknown? That does not compute, as one might say. 

Restraining you as he did is a form of physical abuse--no question about it. Your body is inviolable; no one has a right to touch it in any way without your permission. Please call and talk to someone who is qualified to help women in these situations. That will be the best call you ever made.


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## MarlonFamilton (May 15, 2010)

Yes, definitely get some help. You're knee deep in the emotional field and busy justifying his behavior. Getting a clear objective viewpoint would be really important about now. 

The moment you no longer feel safe enough to express yourself is a critical moment in your relationship. You must feel a sense of real safety to be able to work together on a better future. If he is angry and upset; if you find it hard to be emotionally vulnerable; that's one thing. If he is physically restricting you, that's a whole different matter.

It takes two people to play tennis. If one person puts their racket down and leaves the court, game over. If he is not willing to deal with his anger, if he is unaware of his own reactivity, if he is unwilling to try and do his own work and instead only blames you, this is a huge uphill battle that you can't do alone.

Number one priority; make sure you are safe. You must not only feel safe, you should actually be safe. Then get some individual counseling to gain an objective perspective on this situation and get in touch with why you are staying in the relationship so you're clear about what you get out of it. Thirdly, find a way to invite him into collaborative conversations about improving your relationship. 

If he isn't interested in working on improving your relationship and it is intolerable for you, separation or divorce might be something to consider.

~Marlon


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

Thank you! I suppose I knew my reality before reading the very things you both have said. It just seems to really hit home to hear it from people I don't even know and who don't know him. 

Even though it seems so sudden, we both decided on a divorce later on the night I posted. But the next day, he said he wants a second chance. He says he's going to give it his best and work on himself and has asked me to just let things go. I'm heartbroken but I can't do this anymore...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If you do divorce, just realize that if you dont do some serious work on yourself you will find the same nut with a different shell. you both are in a power struggle that escalated. you both have a temper and try to one up each other. there's nothing wrong with your communication; step back and look at how you are communicating. you both communicate exactly what you want to. its a power struggle. its fear of vulnerability. instead of telling yourself your not communicating well, take a step back and look at how well you are communicating. ask yourself, what am i communicating? is that what i want to communicate? 

my H and I both have a temper. i pointed my finger at my H for a long time until i realized i needed to work on myself. i rarely feed into the power struggle anymore because that's not the person i want to be. i actually want to care about my husband. I want to feel calm and at peace with myself. I cannot care about him, as a person separate from my marriage, and continue on communicating the way i was. 

Own up to your contribution to the escalation or you will keep finding dysfunctional and unsatisfying relationships.


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