# Advice? She's Pregnant!



## FML08 (Sep 13, 2011)

Anyone gone through something like this or have advice?...

Husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have no children. About 8 months ago I found out he was having an emotional affair that turned sexual with a woman he works with. This had been going on for 2 months. When I found out, I immediately left him and filed for divorce. We have been living apart ever since, yet still remained friends and kept in touch. There was a 2 month time frame during that time apart where we had no contact with one another and we mutually dated other people. Well, a couple months ago, we bagan talking again and becoming almost as we were before the affair. He wanted to get something off his chest that had been bothering him before we got serious again...He told me during the time apart, he had gotten back in contact with the woman he cheated on me with and she became pregnant. Because she already has 2 children with no father in their lives, and my husband told her he does not love her and will not be with her, she agreed to get an abortion. They went through abortion counseling, and she was left in the room to get the abortion. Well, 3 months later she tells him she never got the abortion and she is still pregnant. 
He is a wreck. He is very upset with her, and doesn't know what to do. 
I have been a complete mess since I found out that she kept the baby behind his back and is just now telling him. We have been back together and everything is great. Now this other woman is having HIS child. I know I have no right to tell him to disregard the child and not be in it's life, but I also know that it isn't the child's fault this is happening.
I told him that if he has ANYTHING to do with this child, then I am out of the picture and cannot deal with it. He assures me that if I stay with him, he will not be a part of the child or that woman's life. I personally cannot and will not be with him if he acknowledges this child as his. (Yes of course he will do paternity test) 
I love him and truely want to be with him, but I am also prepared (as hard as it is) to leave him. 
My question is...Can I believe that he wont have anything to do with the baby like he says? Or will he tell me this and his feelings will change if he sees the child. He told me he will not be at delivery nor sign any papers. He said he will act as this never happened and the child is not his. Is this possible? A man's point of view would be great as well. 
Thanks everyone.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

This may sound harsh but if that baby is his, then he damn well is responsible for it. If not to be a real father in all sense of the word, then at least financially. As for what he will do, I would hope he would man up and not try to pretend that it didn't happen, it did and he DID. 

If you can not deal with him manning up and facing his responsibilities because of his careless and cheating act, then you will have to leave if that is what you feel like you have to do. You shouldn't feel badly about it if you know that you can't deal with it but yet if it is his child, I strongly feel like he should do the right thing because he without a doubt is just as responsible as she is for the child. It took both of them to make this baby. 

Hopefully you will get lucky and maybe the child isn't his, but you'll have to wait to find out. I can't imagine how hard the waiting will be and I'm sorry that you have to go through that. You must be very angry with your husband and rightly so. I'm so sorry.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Also what has your husband done to insure that cheating will not happen again?


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## FML08 (Sep 13, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. To answer your questions:
We are both 28. We have been together since we were very young. As far as ensuring that cheating will not happen again...I don't think one can ever be "sure" that it wont happen. Of course it will always be on my radar. I feel that he cheated because he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. (Single men from work) and I think he got a little envious of their freedom. Some of those guys were married and also cheated on their wives, but the wives never left them. I on the other hand left immediately, and as a result, he lost everything in a blink of an eye. He has showed much remorse since the time he was caught and faced reality. He says he realized how much he had lost and wanted to start fresh with promises and "assurance" that he will never stray again. Plus this whole baby issue has scared the living daylights out of him. I think if it turns out not to be his child, then he will be afraid to even think about being with another woman.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Legally I don't think he can just ignore the fact that he had a child with her. He is (if nothing else) financially responsible and will be paying child support. I think legally she could pursue the termination of his parental rights, but she would be nuts to do it ... Unless she has a guy who is willing to take up the child as his own. I think he's on the hook for 18 years of child support. See a lawyer to be sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

I think it's unfair to the child to be fatherless because of a mistake HE made and you expecting him to completely ignore the fact that this child exists IMO is wrong. I actually know a couple in a similar situation, basically the H was having affairs W found out via facebook(of all places) that H had just become a new dad. Her expectations? Don't acknowledge the child but he didn't he would sneak out behind her back and visit put the child under his health plan and was helping financially. While they are still together they are both very unhappy I mean the trust issues are gigantic in that relationship but anyway my point is you can't expect him to ignore this child while yes what he did was wrong and I agree with getting a paternity test ASAP why does an innocent child have to pay for a mistake that two ADULTS made. If it is his baby maybe you can establish some boundaries as far as visiting like no visitation without you present also any communication about the child must be through you? Something along those lines that you can agree to. You must also come to the realization that if this is his child you will both be dealing with it till the child is 18 at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

If I were in your shoes (which I am not, and I am a guy) I would not stay with him if he DID NOT acknowledge that child.

Think long and hard about this. Your situation sucks. But that child is innocent, and has no fault of the actions of his mom or your cheating husband.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I agree with the previous posters... Your H must support this child if it is his! This child is innocent and your H has a responsibility to provide for his child. I would highly reccommend MC to work through all this! However if you cannot come to terms that by his error in judgement you are now involved and now share this responsibility... perhaps divorce would be the best. If you need to punish him, divorce him, but do not punish this child by demanding you H to not acknowledge and take responsibility for this child.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Legally speaking, if a paternity test proves that he is the father, child support will be ordered. If he refuses to pay it, his wages will be attached by the state he lives in. It is 20% of his income and in some states, that 20% is of your combined household income. 

A cheater and a liar, no kids with this man, an OW who claimed she had an abortion but really didn't and a man who is such a coward that he will ignore/disown his child, hiding behind his wife........run. Just leave the bum.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

RunningOnEmpty said:


> If I were in your shoes (which I am not, and I am a guy) I would not stay with him if he DID NOT acknowledge that child.
> 
> Think long and hard about this. Your situation sucks. But that child is innocent, and has no fault of the actions of his mom or your cheating husband.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I man who cannot or will not "MAN UP" to his responsibilities is not a man at all! This OW already has two other children without fathers in there lives.....he should feel extremely obligated to be a father....and a damn good one at that!....to his child!

I have been cheated on and I know you are going through hell so I am sorry to be harsh....but you are being extremely childish and selfish to ask him not to acknowledge his child. It will tear you apart as a person and a couple if you ask this of him. Like the other posters said...if you can't handle it then get out....otherwise you better start shopping for baby clothes for your step child! A child is precious...no matter who their parents are....treat the child as a sweet innocent child....hate his actions and the mother as much as you want....just not in front of the little one!

Best of luck. Hang in there!


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## FML08 (Sep 13, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies. Don't think you guys are being harsh, bc I dont see it that way. It's reality. But to clear up one thing... As much as I wish this to be a nightmare, I would never realisticly expect him to diregard the child. I know he has to, and will be a father figure for the child, but its the matter of me being able to be by his side during this. If the baby is his, then I know I will end up leaving him because I just don't think I could be strong enough for that. Then again, I also think about....WHAT IF I stay by his side during this and accept this child into our lives. Am I ready for something like this? Another woman's child. I have thought a lot about things and truely don't think I will know the right choice (if there is a right choice) until the day comes when we find out the paternity results. Then I will go with my gut instincts. Until then, I am weighing and considering all options. I do daydream, or in this case, "day-nightmare" about the possible outcomes from all angles. I am not one for violence, and I do feel the best revenge is kindess. (Kill them with kindness)
So I have thought about how much it would hurt the OW if I was by my husband's side throughout this journey and there for every visit, and accept her child with open arms. Would she sit back and see how happy we are and hate the fact that she DIDNT trap him by getting pregnant? Would she be envious? She would have to face the reality that she is still a low-life skank that can't keep her legs closed and the result is another woman taking care of HER child during his visitation. But then again...not sure if I can nor will choose to do that. This is all just too fresh for me to fathom. Child support is the LAST thing I am worried about. Money comes and goes and is not an issue. If he had to pay her support for 18 years, that would not bother me one bit as long as they were out of our lives and things were how they used to be between us. But everyone says he needs to be a part of the child's life  I know this is true, but its just not fare! Why must these things happen in life to people who don't deserve it? No one in the family knows this is happening except for us. I would end up leaving him if it turns out to be his child just bc of the embarrassment I would face. We have been together for 6 years and have no children of our own, and for a random child to come into the picture and to have to explain this is unthinkable. 
What do you think? IF (not saying I would), but IF I stayed and accepted the child, would that bother her to see us happy and together? And how would family view this? Should I be embarrassed?


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

A couple of thoughts....first off I should be doing my chemistry homework! :/ Ok now the actually thoughts....Yes, it would bother her to see you happy with him and their child. Yes, she will be envious of the relationship you have....trust me, all single mothers are! BUT, you really have to be ready to be the best step mom you can be. Doing something like this just to make her mad is faking your relationship with the child. That is something that can be seen right through and will cause problems with your marriage and later with the child. You have to understand that when a person becomes a parent....that child becomes their WORLD! He will love that child with an unbreakable love. To the point that if he has to choose between the child and you, he WILL CHOOSE HIS CHILD....and he should! I think the best possible advice for you is to get counsling now. Don't wait. Have someone there to bounce ideas off, vent to, and help you figure this all out. A child will change your life FOREVER! And in my opinion thats not a bad thing at all. It can be a great thing! But be ready and willing to except those changes.

Second issue at hand.....WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!!?? Do what is best for you, your husband, and his child. Some will admire you, some will probably think you are crazy....but worry about the three people that really matter. You have no idea the secrets people keep....everyone is hiding something....this is just something that cannot be hidden. Embrace it if that is what you choose to do, own your choice and love your choice....nobody else's opinion matters. Issue as much of or as little of an explanation as you want.

Counsling!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, get a paternity test. 

Even if he has no contact with the child after its born, he will still be the legal father and be responsible for child support.

If you stay with him, you will have to accept the fact he fathered a child during your marriage and will be responsible for that child financially for about 18 years.

Do you want to stay married to him?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I don't mean to be harsh but, If that child is indeed your husbands he has every right to be in that child's life and that child has every right to have a father.. 

Granted she didn't get the abortion that she and your h agreed on, but it is her body and no one could have forced her to have one.

You said
"but its the matter of me being able to be by his side during this. If the baby is his, then I know I will end up leaving him because I just don't think I could be strong enough for that. Then again, I also think about....WHAT IF I stay by his side during this and accept this child into our lives. Am I ready for something like this? Another woman's child."

You might be surprised at your self... You may fall in love with that child.. You just have to give give him/her a chance. The child is innocent.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

If he is the father, he could have contact with the child but not the mother of the child.
An intermediary could arrange visitations. 
You could be the intermediary for important messages and to pick up and drop off the child. It would be a tough thing to handle, but if you and he choose to do it.......as a team decision and he agrees whole heartedly not to be in contact with her....it is do able.


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