# Emotionally Detached Wife



## HiddenSoul

My wife of 18 years it seems has checked out of our marriage. She has slept on the couch for 5 months now, it was supposed to be because I snored too loud. She had asked for a divorce two months prior to sleeping on the couch,because at that time she thought I treated her mean and was selfish, and to a degree I was. In that 7 month span we have had sex once. That sexual experience 2 months ago was when I knew that our marriage was in trouble. She didn't feel right inside, and she seemed rushed and bothered. She mentioned to me as we were having sex that "I need to understand a woman's body" WTF??? I don't study women's bodies, but after 18 years I think I would have a clue about her body. So we continued after that experience of no intimacy or sex and light conversation. I would ask about sex and she would say, NO because you don't listen to me and you like to do your thing without respecting my wishes. We had some financial issues with our mortgage and the IRS, due to some of my doings with finances. So a month ago we finally sat down and talked about the future, and she said that she wasnt interested in having sex with me or anyone else, In fact she said she would'nt stop me if I wanted to have sex with someone else. She says she isn't having an affair, but I'm beginning to wonder. She also said that maybe MC would help us. So far we have had two sessions, and it seemed to help us with talking about our problems, and we have good days where we are talking and having great conversations, and then days when she doesn't want to talk at all and just lays on the couch with her SONY reader. I have tried to initiate intimacy with mixed results. So far she has kissed me on the lips once since going to the MC two weeks ago. She is only comfortable with the cheek, hugs and hand holding are off the table. If I compliment her she gets annoyed with me. She also has stopped wearing her ring, and now claims she can't find it. If she doesn't want to work on our marriage, I wish she would just say that and stop with the melodrama. I love her, but realize that I have to give her space, and limit my communication to her. I have two kids 17 yo girl and 11 yo boy, it saddens me that they have to witness this spectacle of a marriage.I'm at my wits end in showing her that I understand my part in the breakdown of our marriage, and she has even mentioned that it wasn't all my fault. But I'm slowly dying inside to have the woman I love slowly push me away until I have no love left to give.


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## trey69

Wow I'm really sorry this is going on. I really do not know what to tell you. I'm sure its hard to try to work on a marriage where one spouse seems to be a little more committed to working on it than the other. 

When she tells you she isn't interested in having sex with you or anyone else, did she say why? Her sex drive has diminished because.........finances, and you being mean and selfish awhile back? 

Can you give examples of why she says you were mean and selfish, what did you do exactly? Also it seems regardless of what she has told you, you continue on with trying for intimacy when she clearly told you it wasn't gonna happen. IMO, lay off that right now. I understand you may be sexually frustrated, but you have got to get to the root of the issue first.

When she told you she wasn't interested in sex with anyone else and she wasn't having an affair and that she wouldn't stop you if you had sex with someone else, did she volunteer that info to you out of the blue or did you ask if that was what was going on?


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## JustAGirl

HiddenSoul said:


> My wife of 18 years it seems has checked out of our marriage. She has slept on the couch for 5 months now, it was supposed to be because I snored too loud. She had asked for a divorce two months prior to sleeping on the couch,because at that time she thought I treated her mean and was selfish, and to a degree I was. In that 7 month span we have had sex once. That sexual experience 2 months ago was when I knew that our marriage was in trouble. She didn't feel right inside, and she seemed rushed and bothered. She mentioned to me as we were having sex that "I need to understand a woman's body" WTF??? I don't study women's bodies, but after 18 years I think I would have a clue about her body. So we continued after that experience of no intimacy or sex and light conversation. I would ask about sex and she would say, NO because you don't listen to me and you like to do your thing without respecting my wishes. We had some financial issues with our mortgage and the IRS, due to some of my doings with finances. So a month ago we finally sat down and talked about the future, and she said that she wasnt interested in having sex with me or anyone else, In fact she said she would'nt stop me if I wanted to have sex with someone else. She says she isn't having an affair, but I'm beginning to wonder. She also said that maybe MC would help us. So far we have had two sessions, and it seemed to help us with talking about our problems, and we have good days where we are talking and having great conversations, and then days when she doesn't want to talk at all and just lays on the couch with her SONY reader. I have tried to initiate intimacy with mixed results. So far she has kissed me on the lips once since going to the MC two weeks ago. She is only comfortable with the cheek, hugs and hand holding are off the table. If I compliment her she gets annoyed with me. She also has stopped wearing her ring, and now claims she can't find it. If she doesn't want to work on our marriage, I wish she would just say that and stop with the melodrama. I love her, but realize that I have to give her space, and limit my communication to her. I have two kids 17 yo girl and 11 yo boy, it saddens me that they have to witness this spectacle of a marriage.I'm at my wits end in showing her that I understand my part in the breakdown of our marriage, and she has even mentioned that it wasn't all my fault. But I'm slowly dying inside to have the woman I love slowly push me away until I have no love left to give.


Hi! Being a "emotionally detached wife" myself, I want to give you my perspective.

Over the years, my H has slowly stopped giving me what I need. I've sat down w/him trying to get him on board with making some changes. It would be good for a couple of weeks and slowly regress back to the old ways.

I have (over time) built up bitterness and resentment towards him. I've been rejected (sexually) and it hit me hard. First I dwelled on it being me...I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm unattractive etc.
But then, I woke up. I get compliments from men (some half my age) all the time. When I was on Facebook, had people hit on me all the time and realized, maybe it's NOT me. Anyway....I put up a wall. I said, "This man (who is supposed to love and want me like no other) isn't going to hurt me anymore".....and here I am....separated and trying to figure it all out.

If you haven't read "The Five Love Languages", please do.
Could be your not loving her the way she feels loved and visa versa. Seriously, give it a read...it's not a very long book at all.

As far as an affair, I would say it's possible. Shoot...anything is possible. You need to know if she is, because that could be clouding her judgement and keeping your MC sessions from really helping.

Stay in therapy, my H refuses to go and I go alone. It helps, I really believe it will.

I wish you the best of luck....come here often to get some insight and support. 

Be kind to your wife, but don't let her walk all over you. Remember the man she married....she loved him and had NO walls up for him


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## CallaLily

*Sleeping on the couch
*Asking for a divorce
*telling you she wouldn't stop you if you had sex with someone else
*Not wearing her wedding rings
*Kissing on the cheek only
*No holding hands and hugs
*Doesn't want to have sex

Yeah I would say she is detached. Also would say some of these things seem like red flags! Other than what is listed above, have you noticed anything else, such as her cell phone calls, texts, emails, computer usage, leaving the house alot? It very well could be, (and no I'm not saying for sure) but it could be she is involved in a EA (Emotional Affair) with someone. Maybe that person is where her interest is at right now, and that's the reason for the emotional disconnect from you?

BTW, if its because of something you did or haven't done, instead of her just shutting down or saying "You need to understand a womans body" she needs to communicate to you what that is. Exactly what is she needs from you. Her communication skills need working on. It seems she hasn't told you anything she needs from you, instead she just tells you what she doesn't want.


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## HiddenSoul

She didnt say why exactly as to why, I personally think it was depression and she said in MC that she looked at her life and didn't feel like she had anything to show for it. I'm 42 she's 41. Her sex drive diminished due to the stress of the finances. I was was mean and selfish in that she would mention things that she would like to do with money like savings, but I was living paycheck to paycheck and would ignore her requests. She always has these great ideas especially with the house, we should paint the house, get new roof, install new bathroom. But she wasn't willing to help me in doing those things. Im a man and I should do it by myself is her thinking. I was mean and selfish because I would only consider my projects (man cave) never hers. 

Sorry I meant intimacy in the form of kissing and hugs, and hand holding, not sex... We are a no where close to that.. That I know. I just would like to have a connection with her. even in small doses at this point. I asked if she was having an affair, at first she said it wasn't me it was her. Nothing I did, she was dealing with some things in her head. Couple of weeks go by and still the same distant behavior, sio I ask again and she gets mildly upset and says I told once NO! So I don't dare bring that up again. I dont know what to think?????


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## CallaLily

Ok so what about the other things I had asked...the cell phone, computer, her not being home alot etc? Anything you have noticed with any of that?

You mentioned her feeling stressed from the finances...does she work?


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## Jamison

Sit your wife down tonight. Not tomorrow but tonight. Make it very clear to her what you want and need. Tell her you love her and really would like to save this marriage. Tell her you would like to get back to what you once had. 

Regardless of what you have or haven't done, tell her you're sorry, sorry for whatever you might have said or done in the past and you'd like to try to make it right. Discuss the finances, let her know you hear her and understand her on things she would like do to the house. Tell her it can happen, in time, and that you would like her help/input as well. Tell it it can be a team project, that maybe it can bring you both closer etc. 

Tell her you are hoping at some point the both of you can be close again, not just physically but emotionally as well. You value her and the family. I know you might be thing, "well I do tell her this stuff, I do this and that", well tell her again. Make sure she is actually listening and hearing you. You listen and hear her as well. If she mentions you don't listen to her, you ask her what she means and for her to give you an example. If she does, tell her you want to make it right. 

Pull out the stops. Connect with her on an eye to eye level. She needs to know you are serious in helping to fix things but that she has to meet you half way if she wants to fix things as well. If after all that, she still is disconnected and just isn't into trying to fix it, you need to dig deeper and see exactly where her interest is at. then you will need to make a decision at some point.


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## HiddenSoul

I've checked the cell phones and nothing really suspicious there, and she only uses the computer at work. E-mails are all either work related or her gfs. She is really busy after work with the kids, so I don't see how she could fit the time in. She has to run my son to B-ball practices on Mondays and Wednesdays and she has school functions on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The problem is I don't know what she wants anymore, she doesn't engage in conversation regarding the relationship. She will shut down, she told the MC last week that she doesn't want me to come to her, but she would come to me. Well when the hell is that going to happen? I will bring it up in our session this week. 

I'm trying to be strong, but it is soooooo hard to get my emotions in check. Im all over the place right now, because I feel like on a yo-yo and she is playing with the string.


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## HiddenSoul

She does work and she works very hard she has a very stressful job at that. She's going through some things at work and I also think the stress from work is depressing her also. She appears to be going through the "boss thinks I'm an idiot, and I've let my focus slip" deal.

She is working late today, I think I would like to have that talk at the next session with the MC on Thursday. Good idea? I sent her a Valentine's gift (flowers and chocolate) had it delivered to her job. She called back to thank me for it, and I was on such a high. Only to wake up this morning and it was back to the same distant chill. I'm confused....


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## Jamison

How late is working? Stop by her work unannounced to surprise her. Tell her you were thinking about her and just wanted to stop by.


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## HiddenSoul

That's a good idea.. I just might do that


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## Myopia1964

HiddenSoul,

I don't know all of the details of your marriage...there may be more to the story than you've written here, and she may have a legitimate reason to be detached. Maybe she tried to change things for years with no response for you and has now given lost interest in trying. I can tell you, though, if my BF even showed the slightest interest in working on things the way you have described I would respond to him. You say you've tried counseling and that you've tried to show her that you know you've contributed to the problem...you're clearly introspective and self aware, which is far more than I can say for my BF. A husband who is aware and cares enough to save his marriage AND takes steps to do so is a keeper, so her detachment seems strange to me. It is possible that your wife is depressed. She's too young to lose interest in sex and the lying around on the couch reading sounds like lethargy and depression to me.


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## loren

JustAGirl said:


> I have (over time) built up bitterness and resentment towards him. I've been rejected (sexually) and it hit me hard. First I dwelled on it being me...I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm unattractive etc.
> But then, I woke up. I get compliments from men (some half my age) all the time. When I was on Facebook, had people hit on me all the time and realized, maybe it's NOT me. Anyway....I put up a wall. I said, "This man (who is supposed to love and want me like no other) isn't going to hurt me anymore".....and here I am....separated and trying to figure it all out.


Hiddensoul, this is the crux of the issue. You were "mean and selfish" to your wife and she has reached breaking point. Complacent men all over this forum are going through the same thing after years of not listening. Have you heard of the 'Walk Away Wife Syndrome'? I would google it.

It's good you are ready to make changes but honestly, after years expecting change, she may have a hard time believing you can be true to your word. Why were you ever mean and selfish in the first place? How can stop yourself from reverting to your old ways if you manage to recover from this? How can you prove that to her? Really think about these questions. Now is not the time for empty words and promises. Things do need to change. Good on you for realising that, but the important part is sticking to it.

Simple equation:

Happy wife = happy life.


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## russ101

your situation with your wife is eerily similar to mine, although my situation is not quite as bad as yours. My wife and I are both in our forties and she has built up resentment toward me over the years due to the fact that she has to work (she feels that she should not have to work and the man should provide everything that the women wants) and due to the fact that she thought she would be in a better place by this time in her life (bigger house, newer car, big vacations every year etc.)

Don't get me wrong, we are not poor. We have 3 kids all going to private school, we live in a nice middle class neighborhood (although in a smaller ranch home), and we both drive older model cars ( 7 and 9 year models). Her sex drive over the last 6 years has diminished greatly. She will still have sex with me once or twice a month, but it is only out of obligation (she knows that it is a dealbreaker for me, if there is no sex whatsoever, then I am done with the marriage). She basically just lays there and waits until I am done. There is no kissing (she told me 6 years ago she did not want to do this anymore), no foreplay, nothing. This kind of sex sucks! But I guess it is better than nothing. 

I truley believe that some of it has to do with her going through menopause last year, but a great deal of it has to do with her resentment towards me and the kind of life she feels she has to live. If we did not have kids, she would have left this marriage years ago. The only reason she stays is because of not wanting to split up the kids. Resentment is a KILLER in a marriage. I wish I had good advice to give you, but the others on this post have already done that. I will follow this post to see how you guys turn out. I definitely feel your pain!


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## AgentD

I agree that resentment is a big marriage/sex killer. 

I do think some of what you are describing is related to her saying you were "mean and selfish" and maybe she feels like the things she has said to you before fell on deaf ears. HOWEVER, for whatever reason, I'm not so sure that's all of it, but maybe only part of the issue.

I know in the past, there were many times where my husband would or wouldn't do something that bothered me, or that I held resentment towards him for, but some of the things you said she was doing etc, I did not do. Such as, I might have been upset at him but not to the point of sleeping on the couch for months, taking my ring off, telling him he could sleep with someone else and it would be ok. So some of those things is what leads me to believe things might be deeper here than her just feeling like you weren't listening.


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## HiddenSoul

Thanks for the replies, men get "mean and selfish" when over the years their own needs aren't meant. Not saying it's right.. but ladies if you don't initiate intimacy to your man over a period of years he will build up resentment and become your worst nightmare. If he has to always ask for a kiss, (an intimate kiss, not a granny kiss) a gentle caress when you are together alone, or to hold your hand when you are out together, he will feel un desirable and a little unloved. Unfortunately it is a spinning wheel that requires communication, and I mean "proper" communication. Something we never really had in our relationship, I'm starting to see. We just had people barking out orders and hoping that what we asked would be achieved. I'm in IC as well as MC and I know see the difference. Never get emotional when you are asking for your needs, they are your needs dammit! You shouldn't have to hope that your life partner just gets it, No it takes you really explaining to them in a calm and controlled manner that this is what I need to be a good husband/wife to you. We never really did that with each other, and our marriage has suffered because of the lack thereof. My words and actions don't really mean squat if you can't forgive either. It's a two way street. This is not a stage play. life doesn't give out rehearsals. So if you hold on to resentment for too long, what do you end up with? Wasted opportunity at a fresh start! Resentment begats resentment!!! 

Simple equation: Happy COUPLE = happy life


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## loren

HiddenSoul said:


> Resentment begats resentment!!!


Sounds like you're still holding onto some too. The issues are plain to see, I guess the question is, what are you going to do about this?


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## loren

HiddenSoul said:


> Thanks for the replies, men get "mean and selfish" when over the years their own needs aren't meant. Not saying it's right.. but ladies if you don't initiate intimacy to your man over a period of years he will build up resentment and become your worst nightmare.


Also, this is cycical. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps she wouldn't be feeling amourous if she felt her needs weren't being met and so cooled down due to that... not saying this is "right" either... and so it goes...


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## loren

In fact she told you to your face that this was the reason... 



HiddenSoul said:


> I would ask about sex and she would say, NO because you don't listen to me and you like to do your thing without respecting my wishes.


It is her that raised a grievance which has in turn "begat" your greivance. If she was giving you sex regularly and keeping her mouth shut about her problems in the relationship, would you have been filing for divorce? Chances are, no... Therefore, only your needs were being met, probably for quite some time before she stopped being initmate with you.... The wife/life equation can of course be reversed (but wouldn't rhyme) and I would definitely be giving the same advice to a woman whose husband wanted divorce after she was depriving him of sex and intimacy. It is indeed a simple equation. Make sure your partner's needs are met, or at the very least acknowledged and respected. Then you can get to that happy couple stage which of course would make things run smoother all round. Whichever of you started it, fighting resentment with resentment is like bombing for peace.


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## notaname

One question: Have you been to the doctor about your snoring?


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## Myopia1964

Thank you for saying that Loren. This is so often why conflict never gets resolved. One partner thinks the other partner's needs are unreasonable and it becomes a standoff. Of course a relationship where people cling to their stubborn point of view will never work.


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## HiddenSoul

loren said:


> Also, this is cycical. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps she wouldn't be feeling amourous if she felt her needs weren't being met and so cooled down due to that... not saying this is "right" either... and so it goes...


The need to communicate that in a way that lets your SO know that that is a serious problem for them is much better than sulking and pouting or having hidden agendas. Men can be dense sometimes, but it it was "ok" 20 times before, without anyone raising a stink, your SO is confused when it becomes a hot button issue out of no where.

This is why I needed IC just for myself to be a better me, so that I could be a better husband and father to my kids. My resentment is torn down through forgiveness and allowing myself to make mistakes even within my marriage. I have to learn to channel my energy into my own happiness, and if she wants to be a part of that happiness, then so be it. BUT she won't be the end all be all to whether I'm happy or not. 

I love my wife more than words can convey, but I have to love me also. That's why I could hold on to resentment, I was self loathing....


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## HiddenSoul

notaname said:


> One question: Have you been to the doctor about your snoring?


No, but I guess I need to tackle that next.


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## HiddenSoul

Myopia1964 said:


> Thank you for saying that Loren. This is so often why conflict never gets resolved. One partner thinks the other partner's needs are unreasonable and it becomes a standoff. Of course a relationship where people cling to their stubborn point of view will never work.


 I agree with this statement... Sometimes a hard head = a soft bottom (or two in this case)...


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## HiddenSoul

loren said:


> In fact she told you to your face that this was the reason...
> 
> 
> 
> It is her that raised a grievance which has in turn "begat" your greivance. If she was giving you sex regularly and keeping her mouth shut about her problems in the relationship, would you have been filing for divorce? Chances are, no... Therefore, only your needs were being met, probably for quite some time before she stopped being initmate with you.... The wife/life equation can of course be reversed (but wouldn't rhyme) and I would definitely be giving the same advice to a woman whose husband wanted divorce after she was depriving him of sex and intimacy. It is indeed a simple equation. Make sure your partner's needs are met, or at the very least acknowledged and respected. Then you can get to that happy couple stage which of course would make things run smoother all round. Whichever of you started it, fighting resentment with resentment is like bombing for peace.


 Err.. Actually no.. the intimacy has been a problem even when we were dating each other. I just never raised it as an issue until we were already married, and just accepted it after it was becoming apparent that it wasn't going to be a consistent thing on the menu. But that was a mistake because I craved it and became resentful over the years that it wasn't on the menu no matter how many times I stated that it was a problem for me.


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## Myopia1964

Sounds like you're both in a "standoff." She refuses to meet your needs and you refuse to meet hers. That is a recipe for disaster. It's definitely time for counseling, if she's agreable to it. But, sometimes the only way to break through the standoff is to be the first one to initiate change. For e.g., even if you don't feel like it at all, do what she wants...work on the house projects enthusiastically and don't complain that she should help you. It might irritate you to do that at first, but it also might trigger a change in her. It's a simple conditioned response.


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## HiddenSoul

Myopia1964 said:


> Sounds like you're both in a "standoff." She refuses to meet your needs and you refuse to meet hers. That is a recipe for disaster. It's definitely time for counseling, if she's agreable to it. But, sometimes the only way to break through the standoff is to be the first one to initiate change. For e.g., even if you don't feel like it at all, do what she wants...work on the house projects enthusiastically and don't complain that she should help you. It might irritate you to do that at first, but it also might trigger a change in her. It's a simple conditioned response.


We are in MC together right now, and I'm also seeing my own therapist. That's the problem, I feel I'm the only one making changes. I don't expect this to be fixed "overnight" but I expect us to each look in the mirror and say What could I do better to fix this". I know I have work to do on myself and this marriage, but damn "she can't make ANY changes as she's healing? Feels selfish and a little shallow from my marital fixer viewpoint.


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## Myopia1964

HiddenSoul said:


> I know I have work to do on myself and this marriage, but damn "she can't make ANY changes as she's healing? Feels selfish and a little shallow from my marital fixer viewpoint.


I understand that frustration. If she truly isn't trying and expects you to make all the changes, that IS selfish. There's also nothing you can do to force someone to try when they don't want to. At some point you will have to make a decision to quit trying and get out. You might want to set a 6-month deadline for yourself and if you don't see any change in her, then it's time to go.


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## louis

Myopia1964 said:


> HiddenSoul,
> 
> I don't know all of the details of your marriage...there may be more to the story than you've written here, and she may have a legitimate reason to be detached. Maybe she tried to change things for years with no response for you and has now given lost interest in trying. I can tell you, though, if my BF even showed the slightest interest in working on things the way you have described I would respond to him. You say you've tried counseling and that you've tried to show her that you know you've contributed to the problem...you're clearly introspective and self aware, which is far more than I can say for my BF. A husband who is aware and cares enough to save his marriage AND takes steps to do so is a keeper, so her detachment seems strange to me. It is possible that your wife is depressed. She's too young to lose interest in sex and the lying around on the couch reading sounds like lethargy and depression to me.


Having read the quoted post above, I have been much encouraged by it. I wish to thank the poster for perhaps dropping a small amount of hope into my situation. 
My wife is detached, and so much so that she is unable to tell me wheather or not she actually wan't to stay married to me. She simply says that she doesn't know, and that i need to give her time to figure herself out. I spend my life guessing if I am doing the right things to try and make her happy, as she seems unable to tell me the things that i should be doing to make her love me again. It has driven me into a severe derpession that i need help with, but I refuse to give up on the love that she once had for me, and could be able to find again, if only i knew how to help her find it. I find myself loving her more and more as the years go by, and if this, in some small way, makes me a keeper, then I cam able to manage a smile in the midst of my circumstance. Thank you, and all the best for your relationship, I wish you much happiness for the very nice thing you have said.


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## HiddenSoul

So I wake up and notice my wife getting ready for work, my daughter walks by and says that she has a nice dress, and then mention that yes she did look nice. My wife tells me that the comment is unwanted. I decide to go visit her workplace and see her, she seems pleasantly surprised and happy to see me. She then proceeds to ask me if she thought her outfit looked good on her. I reminded her that I already mentioned that morning that she looked good and was told she didn't want the comment. She says "I know, I know". We go to MC for another session and she tells MC she feels like I'm smothering her. It seems like smothering because she refuses to want to have any conversation about the relationship, unless its with the MC. I speak to her in a cool calm non-combative manner and tone. I need to feel that we are both working on this TOGETHER, or I feel like we are just spinning our wheels. Really confused right now...


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## polliwanna

Dear HS
Reading your post, I can truely relate to your wife (no offense). I have struggled for 27 married years and 2 years prior to that, with keeping intimacy in our relationship. From the beginning, I was the one who planned our dates, sent him love notes, arranged surprises, etc. Everything, every time, all the time. H would never suggest that we go out to dinner, have a date night away from the kids, nothing. Oh, but you can bet your bottom dollar that he expected "intimacy" in the bedroom. And to add to the mix, he drinks. Not a little, a lot.
Over the years, I have made threats and noises about divorcing him. And yes, he would always come around temporarily. So where am I going with this? I have no feelings left. I am dead inside. Should he get hit by a bus tomorrow it would be difficult to mourn his loss. For me, I don't know what it would take to not only change how I feel about him, but to actually WANT to change. Maybe that's the place your wife is in.


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## louis

polliwanna said:


> Dear HS
> Reading your post, I can truely relate to your wife (no offense). I have struggled for 27 married years and 2 years prior to that, with keeping intimacy in our relationship. From the beginning, I was the one who planned our dates, sent him love notes, arranged surprises, etc. Everything, every time, all the time. H would never suggest that we go out to dinner, have a date night away from the kids, nothing. Oh, but you can bet your bottom dollar that he expected "intimacy" in the bedroom. And to add to the mix, he drinks. Not a little, a lot.
> Over the years, I have made threats and noises about divorcing him. And yes, he would always come around temporarily. So where am I going with this? I have no feelings left. I am dead inside. Should he get hit by a bus tomorrow it would be difficult to mourn his loss. For me, I don't know what it would take to not only change how I feel about him, but to actually WANT to change. Maybe that's the place your wife is in.


I hear you, but how would you relate to the situation where the husband believes is trying to do everything possible to do it righ, to be attentive and sympathetic, understanding and loving etc... but his wife remains detached. Can it be possible that she can simply fall out of love for no apparent reason, and through no fault of the husband. I ask my wife what I do wrong, and she says that I do nothing wrong. I ask her what I should change in order to bring her back, she says that she cannot think of anything I should do differently, yet she remains detached. I am unable to understand this.


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## polliwanna

It just might be too late. Now PLEASE! I am not saying that it is. My husband has tried, and tried, and tried to win back my affections too many times to count. He will be good for a while and then, "BAM!", right back to his evil twin. Situations such as yours is very difficult without hearing both sides. My husband thinks that just because we have a nice home and I have not had to work for the past two years, that I should be happy. I know I don't have to say just how different men and women see things, but I am saying it anyway. What you may think that you are doing right, could be the worst thing ever. Go seek counseling! Be honest with yourself, regardless how painful it is. In the event that you cannot salvage this marriage, this experience will make you an awesome 2nd timer. I hope this helps.


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## Conrad

polliwanna said:


> It just might be too late. Now PLEASE! I am not saying that it is. My husband has tried, and tried, and tried to win back my affections too many times to count. He will be good for a while and then, "BAM!", right back to his evil twin. Situations such as yours is very difficult without hearing both sides. My husband thinks that just because we have a nice home and I have not had to work for the past two years, that I should be happy. I know I don't have to say just how different men and women see things, but I am saying it anyway. What you may think that you are doing right, could be the worst thing ever. Go seek counseling! Be honest with yourself, regardless how painful it is. In the event that you cannot salvage this marriage, this experience will make you an awesome 2nd timer. I hope this helps.


How long have you been married?


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## Lulama

As an emotionally detached wife myself. I am a communicator & a constructive one. I have been married for almost 12yrs
with my husband. We are expecting our 3rd child now. My husband cheated on me more than once. He both had physical & emotional affairs with other women. He treated me mean & devalued me in that period of his playful excellence. He did not consider my emotions at all, because he had his own fulfilled(so he thought). He continued with this mean,selfish, adulterous behavior for about 5yrs. Of course at first i thought it was my fault & when it started, I was pregnant with our second son (at least I think that's when it started or its when I started noticing). He excluded me from financial decisions as he was the only one working then. I felt rejected, useless & out of control & felt like he is not committed to me or our marriage. Then I decided to let go of him while living with him (I trust I'm making sense to you, with that phrase). I looked for a job, which took almost 3yrs to get(believe it or not), but finally it happened. Then I build myself confidence & he started seeing a different wife. He then,seemingly changed his ways(which was a just a strategic behavior, to me) because after trying to work & fight for our marriage for many years, I've convinced myself he is just waiting for me to ask for divorce. Now that I am pregnant with our 3rd child, I am more financially independent & his behavior hasn't really changed(in my mind) & I have emotionally detached & I am not having an affair nor thinking/Planning of having one. I have now realized my worth as a woman & mother & I am choosing to prioritize & excel in those fields (because they need me sane & well), than focusing on a man that takes me for granted. My husband never apologized or acknowledged his damaging role he played in me feeling this detached instead he thinks holidays & presents will fix things (When I met him we had only each other & why would he think material things will resolved this mess, not that I am not enjoying them but that is not why I married I him) of course,this I communicated with him & for year asking I've been asking & suggesting counselling & he refused saying there is no problem. Now after so many emotionally exhausting years for me, he is trying to work things out. The thing its not going to happen over night & I don't see him being authentic (in my mind, because he has played too much tricks & I cannot trust him anymore). I have emotionally divorce him & I have told him that too & all he keeps saying I love you my wife. So I cannot say the other woman is not cheating but all I'm saying I understand where she is at & I am not cheating & even if I really divorce my husband I will not have another man soon. My focus is to build a successful life & be a great mother to my kids because I have realized I can make it in this life with or without my husband. Women cheat for reason unlike most men who cheat to boost their ego or just for fun & not consider the long term damage that course to their wives, kids & integrity. So from my experience, he must give his wife time & yes find out if she is not having an emotional affair that is clouding her judgement. Men must realize you took years treating like crap & making feel unworthy. It will take many more years or a life time to make her feel close to how she trusted you before & If he really loved her the way he say he does, he will make sure each day he show her how important & special she is to him.


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## Ursula

Oops, didn't realize this was such an old thread. Deleted my post.


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