# Why did she have to lie?



## Chrisoasis (Jan 28, 2018)

To start, I'm 37 and married for 8 years with 2 children. The problem is we vowed before marriage that we wouldn't keep any secrets even if it would hurt. She told me she had a relation online with a person from another state and he came to meet her 2-3 times. That was before our engagement. I discovered that she was in a relation with someone for 2 years and she was in love with him and she confessed when I confronted her. That was before I knew her of course.Why didn't she tell me the truth? Why did she have to lie? In our third year of marriage she took me with her to her best friend's wedding and that person was there and she didn't tell me. I've always felt that she was mentally distant from me for 4 years and our sex was below good. Our relation has started to get better recently but that was before I found out. Am I wrong to lose confidence in her? I haven't caught her doing anything wrong. But she lied to me and wasn't open as I was with her. Her emotions matter the most to me. I'm afraid that I've wasted those so many years thinking that I'm her true love . By the way I'm a Cancer.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Chrisoasis said:


> By the way I'm a Cancer.



What the **** has this got to do with anything???????



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Have you spoken with @JustTheWife? Maybe she can help.
It sucks when people are dishonest. But I doubt that’s why the sex was below average.
Try not to get hung up on the past. If she’s a good wife in the present it’s all that matters. (Presuming she had the relationship before she was with you? That bit wasn’t clear).


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your post is not crystal clear.

You seem to be trying to say when you were dating your wife the two of you swore to tell each other every tiny detail about all past relationships.

Now you have discovered there were past relationships she had which she lied about, by omission, after the aforementioned agreement was made. Is this the message?

You are not talking about any relationship or affair she has had since you two became engaged? An emotional affair she had with the old flame while you were at the event?

I ask about the vow you two took before getting married. Are you certain she understood that it meant she would disclose everything from the time she was born? Perhaps she thought it meant from that moment forward.

I can see how you two could easily misunderstand each other on this issue.

"I vow to always be truthful"

To me, and I think to many people, that does not mean I need to start telling you my whole life story. I kissed the neighbor girl when I was three, and we played house when we were five, etc. It applies to anything that happens after the vow is made.

It's just an idea.

As for the sign of the zodiac, that is just weird. Maybe that's even why I think there was some major communication gaff in regards to your issue. That, and the erratic nature of story telling.

I do wish you luck. Answers to clarify the issues will help people understand better.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Yeah you wrote one thing then seemed to write another in the sentence below.

So were you two dating when she was seeing this online guy?

Is it the same guy she had a 2 year relationship and was in love with or a different guy? Why are you angry if she had been on another relationship? You're 37, married 8 years, so how long were you together before you were engaged?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

...


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm guessing that she knew it was important to you, maybe a dealbreaker, and so she lied to you about it so you would marry her. It seems she was cheating on you while she was engaged, and then during the marriage maybe you feel humiliated that at this wedding her and him had a secret between themselves. They were in the know, kind of an inside joke, and you, her husband, was on the outside of this little triangle. You feel she was distant for four years and this affected your marriage and only recently it's gotten better, but of course now you've found out she lied about something that was very important to you.

How did you find out and how do you know the extent of her relationship with him? Because if she lied originally, she may still be lying, telling you the truth only the extent to which you already have discovered. If you felt that she was close to you at the time you got married, and only became distant well into the marriage, that does not seem to jive with her assertion that the other relationship was over.

One reason people lie is to gain an advantage, to obtain something they believe they wouldn't get if they were to tell the truth. Sometimes people lie because they are ashamed to tell the truth of what they did. Sometimes people lie because they want to make themselves look better, e.g., for their reputation. Sometimes people lie because they don't want to hurt someone. Or because it is convenient, or because they don't think they will get found out.

How did you find out?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly some people will lie to cover up their bad behaviour. She cheated when you were dating and lied about it. Trouble is that when people have lied its hard to trust them about anything.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Chrisoasis said:


> To start, I'm 37 and married for 8 years with 2 children. The problem is we vowed before marriage that we wouldn't keep any secrets even if it would hurt. She told me she had a relation online with a person from another state and he came to meet her 2-3 times. That was before our engagement. I discovered that she was in a relation with someone for 2 years and she was in love with him and she confessed when I confronted her. That was before I knew her of course.Why didn't she tell me the truth? Why did she have to lie? In our third year of marriage she took me with her to her best friend's wedding and that person was there and she didn't tell me. I've always felt that she was mentally distant from me for 4 years and our sex was below good. Our relation has started to get better recently but that was before I found out. Am I wrong to lose confidence in her? I haven't caught her doing anything wrong. But she lied to me and wasn't open as I was with her. Her emotions matter the most to me. I'm afraid that I've wasted those so many years thinking that I'm her true love . By the way I'm a Cancer.


In short, it's her nature. Bet you find out this isn't the only thing she has lied or hidden from you. People like that are very hard to be married to at least in my mind, especially if you agreed to be completely open and you are.

I agree you should read that other thread. You will find there are plenty of people who feel past relationships are none of your business and that being open about that is not really necessary in marriage. Plenty of others want to be as open as possible, but that takes maturity too. Be careful what you wish for. You are going to have to decide if that is OK for you.

However if she didn't cheat on you and it was before you were dating then she did nothing wrong accept promising to be open and then not keeping that promise. I also get being at the wedding with an ex and not knowing. That would bother me too. What is her reasoning for not telling you? Why did you suspect? Unfortunately I suspect this is not uncommon. Maybe she knew this is how you would react, doesn't make it right but at least understandable.. Everyone has a past life, lots of times with past loves. That doesn't reflect on you or your worth. Why do you feel it does? Do you worry that he is better then you? Why is that?

I get hiding stuff sucks, but having a past boyfriend is just normal. The next women you meet will have a past as well. You are too old to have a high school sweet heart, one and only type of relationship. Those have their own problems. 

This idea one of true love is bull**** and just plain toxic to committed relationships. If she doesn't buy it you shouldn't. Now if she is still pining away for him as the one that got away that is one thing, but if she committed to you and is faithful than I would assume that right now you are her one true love, soulmate, smoopy. Love is an action as much as a feeling. By the way if she is pining away for him as soon as you leave her you will fill that role. If that is really all you care about. 

Have you had any other relationships? If you haven't then maybe you don't know that there are probably thousands of people you could fall in love with. Each one of them could feel like your one true love at the time. There is no ONE person for us. That is just silly Disney nonsense. It is as true as Fairy God Mothers. 

Why do you think you are not her love now?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

There was something about either the guy or her relationship with him that she didn’t want you to know.

Maybe she still interacts with him somewhat regularly and doesn’t want you to be wary of him. If that’s the case, her motive may very well be benign. (Then again, maybe not.)

Or maybe she was just trying to keep her “number” low ...?

Who knows.

Ask her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She lied because she felt that was her best option. Or maybe just because she could. Only she knows. Have the two of you discussed this in greater detail?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> What the **** has this got to do with anything???????
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Maybe it's a chick writing it.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

People lie...period...her agreement with you to be honest even if it hurts was bull, people say these things to make them appear upfront and of course to get you to divulge as much as possible, women more than men lie because they fear the consequences of truth more in my experience, i reckon you have to be wary of this woman, her fess is not all, their is more, their always is, she hopes to pacify you with half truths that to her sounds like she is truthful but in reality she is lying to herself and too you, be careful.

Love and Peace aways

KevinZX


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm sorry sorry to hear about your cancer.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, the post bounced a round a lot and I'll ignore the zodiac reference.

I can see why your wife lied by omission at the wedding regarding her erstwhile illicit paramour. How would it have improved the wedding (not yours, someone else's) to have said to you then "Dear, there's this guy I've been sneaking around with-- he's three pews over right now!"

What do you think your response would have been?

I'm sure there could have been a big fight and a ruined wedding, crying bride, the whole deal.

This is not to say, btw, that I like it that your wife was likely cheating on you during your engagement.

So where does this leave you now?

Not in a place I would want to be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chrisoasis said:


> To start, I'm 37 and married for 8 years with 2 children. The problem is we vowed before marriage that we wouldn't keep any secrets even if it would hurt. She told me she had a relation online with a person from another state and he came to meet her 2-3 times. That was before our engagement. I discovered that she was in a relation with someone for 2 years and she was in love with him and she confessed when I confronted her. That was before I knew her of course.Why didn't she tell me the truth? Why did she have to lie? In our third year of marriage she took me with her to her best friend's wedding and that person was there and she didn't tell me. I've always felt that she was mentally distant from me for 4 years and our sex was below good. Our relation has started to get better recently but that was before I found out. Am I wrong to lose confidence in her? I haven't caught her doing anything wrong. But she lied to me and wasn't open as I was with her. Her emotions matter the most to me. I'm afraid that I've wasted those so many years thinking that I'm her true love . By the way I'm a Cancer.


 @Chrisoasis Why would you need to know of her romantic life before she met you?

Isn't that a little controlling?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why would you need to know of her romantic life before she met you?


Same reason you ask for a resume. If they refuse, you next them. If they scoff "you're so insecure", they really wanted the job.



MattMatt said:


> Isn't that a little controlling?


I think it's prudent, secure and smart.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Chrisoasis Why would you need to know of her romantic life before she met you?
> 
> Isn't that a little controlling?


Completely disagree.

I didn't ask for names or details, but I did ask my W before we were M'd (and she agreed) to never put me in a position where I was meeting some guy that she shared a secret with that I didn't know about. Basically, OP's situation ... his W should have told him that she had a past with this other guy. OP should not have had to endure the humiliation of being introduced to a guy that was thinking ... "I used to bang your W and you don't have a clue".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> Completely disagree.
> 
> I didn't ask for names or details, but I did ask my W before we were M'd (and she agreed) to never put me in a position where I was meeting some guy that she shared a secret with that I didn't know about. Basically, OP's situation ... his W should have told him that she had a past with this other guy. OP should not have had to endure the humiliation of being introduced to a guy that was thinking ... "I used to bang your W and you don't have a clue".


You make a good point.

My own wife was very open and honest. Too much so, perhaps.

I was in the interesting situation of discovering that well before I met my wife I had dated her best friend from her school days, so coincidences can happen.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> Have you spoken with @JustTheWife? Maybe she can help.
> It sucks when people are dishonest. But I doubt that’s why the sex was below average.
> Try not to get hung up on the past. If she’s a good wife in the present it’s all that matters. (Presuming she had the relationship before she was with you? That bit wasn’t clear).
> 
> ...


Yes it sucks indeed!!!!! I am living in my own flesh. Not so sure about the past thing. Check my post to see what i mean

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