# FWB/good friend died in fiery car crash. I am trying to figure out how to cope!



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I honestly don't have anywhere else to turn to, so I guess the internet it is. Met this young woman going on 3yrs ago. Beyond just a FWB, she was a great friend that did not judge me. She was always up for going places and I could always count on her for little outdoor bands, etc. When I moved I needed some help working on stuff, she was always willing to help. Heart of gold in that one! 

About a few months ago, she just quit texting me back, which I thought was odd but figured I pissed her off, or whatever. Even if she decided to move on, I figured she would have explained it, not ghost me. After a while I finally did a little digging and it only took googling her to find her obituary! 

It is just grinding me up that not only did she pass, but the way she went was horrible! Burned alive in her car! She would drive just to drive! She loved cruising and listening to music and she would do it for hours. 

It is all just sooo odd, because no one knew she existed in my life, and I hardly have anyone I talk to anymore. Only a few friends ever met her because I ran into her at an event. It's all just hitting that I no longer need to return her crap that she would leave at my place....lol She was always leaving things. Phone charger, shoes, brain..... 

I don't even know how to explain or process this loss! Yes, a good friend, but one I also shared a bed with. I miss having the person to talk to. I didn't realize how she was holding me together and I now have to figure it out by myself. I would always save silly memes and stories for her and I could always count on her work stories. 

My only efforts so far has been to reach out to her family and explain and she the pictures that I have. All those nights they may have thought she was out being crazy, she was probably passed out snuggling my puppy. She was very allergic to dogs, but it never stopped her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oh, that's so sad. I'm glad you shared with her family. You didn't even get closure in any way not even a funeral. I'm thinking maybe you ought to have a little tribute to her just privately and tell her how much you miss her and how much she meant to you.. And then maybe you want to go visit her grave if she has one and put flowers. I don't know if your religious, but if you do attend church or have a priest or someone you are comfortable with, you can talk to them and ask them to pray with you about it. 

It was a terrible way to go but you know, she might have died at impact or it's more likely in a fire that the smoke overcomes you before you actually burn up. It's a terrible thing to have on your head. You need to just concentrate that she is in a better place now and at peace. Please remember that the very last thing she would want is every time a loved one thought of her, what they thought of was her death and all the sadness. She would not want that. No one wants to be remembered that way. Always remember the good times with her because that's what she would want.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

That certainly is a weird feeling, thinking someone is alive and well and while you're thinking that you're in the dark about the fact that they died weeks or months ago.

There's an old widower that lives on my street. He's not that friendly with neighbors, but I learned he and his deceased wife never had children. I never see any people visiting his house, I see him outside enough times, wave to him, (I tried talking with him when I was out walking, but he's not the talkative type). When I don't see him outside as I drive by I always take a moment to look for clues that everything is in order. I miss the days of newspaper being delivered everyday, milk bottles on a porch (before my day, but still) - now there are fewer clues of daily life. I don't like the thought of him dying in his home and being undiscovered for weeks/months. Everyday I just glance at his house, it's a habit.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

That’s insane! I can imagine how weird that feels, seeing her name in the obituaries and feeling that punch in the guts. Harsh. I’m sorry this happened to her and you’re left to grieve.

I imagine it’s the same shock as knowing right away with an added sense of sadness that you didn’t. You just have to work through the grieving process. The extra horror of the way she went is also really ... terrible.

I think what DBTR said about having your own little ceremony for her would help. Even what you wrote here was a tribute to her. She sounds like a great lady.

Can I ask you something out of curiosity?

She was a FWB you said. What kept her in that category for you? She sounds fun and sweet and you liked having sex with her. Why was she not girlfriend material or were there other circumstances like other relationships in the way or something?

You said she was holding you together when you didn’t realize it at the time. Do you find yourself in a ‘don’t know what you got until it’s gone’ state of mind at all? Or is it more like a special part of _yourself_ that few if any knew about, died with her so you’re grieving that as well?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Sorry for your loss, @bobsmith.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

It has been a LOT to process tonight! The cold reality is I met this woman months after my huge explosion in my last LTR relationship where I had bought an engagement ring for a woman that jumped in bed with someone else just before I proposed. 

I told this FWB that I will never be "attached" again. She was in the same camp at the time, so we became a no strings duo. I think we both had other flings over the years but we were always connected. We got to be great friends and I would say one of my best friends. She did not judge me and was happy just driving her crappy car. We hung out a lot and she was about the only ear I had to talk to. 

I have since reached out to her family and they are like WOW, YOU!!! She was so secretive that no one knew of me, only a first name, and her phone burned up in the crash!

A hard reality for me is I kept distance between us so as to not get attached and avoid this EXACT feeling of loss from ever happening again! Of all friggin things! My life is cursed, honest! I am a commitment phobe to avoid pain. Yeah, that's working great! Excuse me while I eat this **** sandwich.

CC to answer one of your other questions, this one was specifically tough as girlfriend material. I know the entire fam will agree that she was very guarded, but I guess I never really worked hard to break down her armor because I carry my own. I considered it bulletproof so apparently I have work to do on that. I literally have dreamed this this demise for my ex, but that is how this world works. Good people leave, evil people stay and ruin the world, and multiply. 

I can say from the bits I have gathered, she was alive in the car as people were trying to get her out, but the flames took over. I would have died trying to save her. Part of me wants all the details (which I can get), but part knows this is probably a rock better left unturned. I am already just having vivid thoughts of her in that car fighting to survive.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Damn... well, coming from a past of FWBs during my single time post-divorce, FWBs are still friends, and it hurts just the same to lose them to something tragic. It's easy to let them go because they wish to commit to a new relationship which is a happy end but something tragic like this, it's normal to feel pain.

You need closure, and I would expect you'll be getting nightmares. Visit her grave, make your peace.

I know this may not help but... it would help me... just know that chances are she may not have suffered too much in her final moments, as she most likely would have been unconscious due to the smoke or the pain or shock that blanked her out. Try not to think of her screaming banging on the car windows because that will keep you up at night and that's only in the movies.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry for your loss @bobsmith .


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry for your loss. _hugs_


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

It has been a drama packed day. I have talked with her family and coworkers and I was apparently the missing piece of her puzzle. No one could find me. I had very odd dreams last night but not nightmares. I do recall one where I met a very nice woman. Not gorgeous, but just had the same heart of gold. 

I think the reality is if you hang around anyone long enough, you get bonded, and I shared way too many special times with this woman. Concerts, parks, store runs, you name it. She operated on the same schedule as me which is late. 

I did at least get some encouraging news that sounds like she likely was mortally wounded upon impact. It sounded like efforts were moved away from her and to the other car because she appeared to be gone. I will admit, I have been through countless "partners" but this one will be impossible to replace and she was instrumental in helping to keep me sane. She had a gentle but stern way of aligning me. I have never met another woman that passed less judgment and just accepted me for who I am.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Wow.. just wow. I've been in similar situations losing love ones & I know any words I would try to offer would fall short as I have heard them too.
But I'm am sorry for your loss.
I have small things in my home from all those I have lost and when I see them, it brings a smile to my face.
Maybe you could do the same, some small piece of her to carry with you into your future.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I hear this sort of thing often to have some reminder, but honestly, with me, it just brings up tears and sadness. It does even with another close friend I lost 20yrs ago. I had the though to place my own cross on my own pasture for her, but I am not sure how I might handle that. 

I still have several pics and items from previous relationships. I don't look at them and I totally ignore. I think my only reason for keeping is so when I leave, someone can sort through it and learn about my hidden past. I have a couple hard drives in the safe and I will let someone else deal with it. 

What I have realized with this special woman, is over 2.5yrs, we never had one fight. No, we were not really dating, but probably close enough I guess. She was just accepting of who I am and vise versa. 

I lost my other close friend to a similar accident and I remember getting that call and thinking it was a joke. It wasn't and I keep thinking I will wake up from this one! Like anyone else at all but her! She was like a cornerstone in my life.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I figured rather than start a new thread on this subject, I would continue here. I have been chatting with this young woman's mother for weeks now. I think we have both just dropped our guards as I certainly don't have a reason to hide much from her. However, due to the Xmas BS, it sort of hit me to give a gift to the mother. We have a world renowned glass art shop here and they commonly make Christmas balls. However, I thought about that more and sort of feel like something that her mom can see and enjoy all year, not just the holiday. 

I am curious of thoughts on this? Other ideas? I just felt glass could be a nice piece and I know this shop and they make seriously awe struck pieces. I was not thinking of extreme, but something. This woman loved singing so I thought about something in the shape of a music note. I know they could find a way to put her name inside of it but not sure if that is the right thing. I am not the best at this stuff and probably won't be able to hold my emotions in dealing with this shop. I think I am trying mostly to figure that part out. 

If someone has another idea, throw it out. Or maybe this is an insult somehow? I was not family or anything close but her mom has sort of pulled me close.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Does not sound at all like an insult. Quite the opposite. Seems like a lovely gesture acknowledging you both valued and had a bond with her daughter.

The musical note idea seems very nice, imho.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am sorry for your loss. I just read about a crash in Yonkers of 4 high school graduates hit by a ne'er do well. the article said he had been cited for traffic violations a few times. Why wasn't he taken off the street? He was the only one to survive.

I'm glad I don't drive but I still need to get into motorized vehicles to get around.

Again I'm sorry for your loss and hope that the US can clean up it s transportation act.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am late to the parade on this one.

How, utterly tragic. Ugh.

So sorry.

Honor her memory with her being your_ lost lover_, not your mere.... _FWB._


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

bobsmith said:


> It has been a LOT to process tonight! The cold reality is I met this woman months after my huge explosion in my last LTR relationship where I had bought an engagement ring for a woman that jumped in bed with someone else just before I proposed.
> 
> I told this FWB that I will never be "attached" again. She was in the same camp at the time, so we became a no strings duo. I think we both had other flings over the years but we were always connected. We got to be great friends and I would say one of my best friends. She did not judge me and was happy just driving her crappy car. We hung out a lot and she was about the only ear I had to talk to.
> 
> ...


I haven't gotten through all the posts, but I had to address this one, even if someone might have already said what I am going to.

What you are going through, you would probably be going through even if the two of you never had a sexual relationship, or even if this person ended up being another male. You made a close connection on an emotional level, even if it wasn't romantic. We can have these close connections with lovers, friends, even family. It doesn't matter what the exact relationship was. The point is, it was close. And there was no avoiding that. You were warding against a romantic involvement. Personally, I believe that you succeeded in your efforts. What you didn't guard against was closeness in general. And I find that good. Being not attached will ultimately be bad for you. We all, for the most part, need connections. Some need just a few, others lots and lots.

Don't be afraid to reach out again after this. You don't have to develop deep connections, or even sexual connections. Just don't isolate yourself. That will be worse than any loss you experience. I did the isolate things once. After I woke up and broke out of it, I was able to see with hindsight, how much it was damaging me. But I do understand that while you are going through it, it is not obvious to the self. Hence, my warnings.

I do not hope that things will get better for you, as I know they will. You just have to be willing to accept the good when it comes to you, and know that there will be down times. I am sorry that you had to have two such negative events so close together.

ETA: So I read about the mother, and realized the OP date. It does not hurt to give her such a gift. It seems like you have made a connection with the mother. Again, this is good. She doesn't have to be your friend, or closer. Just holding a special place in your heart, is fine. It doesn't even have to last years. You two can support each other in the sort term, and then move on.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I appreciate the replies! I think I have walked away from finding out more details of her loss. It still bothers me but my engineering side knows that the impact must have been extreme for the car to catch fire so quickly, and I can only hope she was out of it. But part of me can see her fighting for life. 

I think my realities, even before her passing, were sobering and I have been pretty accurate in my analysis so far. This woman was one of the only rare bird to accept me for what I offer, and just be a friend. Here are a few things I have learned in life so far. 

1. Any woman that approaches today does NOT want to be a "friend", they want something. Either sex only or trying to find marriage material. Once they realize I am no longer motivated in either zone, they leave quickly. I really do understand. Most women want that white house with kids. The BS story the government sold decades ago. I get it. 

2. If anyone ever asks "how are you?" or "how are your kids doing?", the answer should always be "fine" and "great".... People don't care and only want to stay on the top riff of life. Lie to them every time, fake that smile, and act like you can function. 

3. Know that people will only gravitate towards success, not "needs help". Tell someone "things are tough right now" and watch them vaporize! lol they want to hear "things are super, I am so happy, my kids are all A's, and I just got a promotion at my j.o.b."

4. Know that people are selfish by nature. It is not their intent, but that is how we are built. This has created the "jones effect" where people desire to get ahead of one another. Sure, people rattle on about church, helping, charity, etc, etc, but they also need that latest Denali to "fit in". 

5. Never, ever trust people, ever. I have people I can really trust, but I can count them on one hand. 

6. Again, as a man, trust that if a woman is single, that is for a reason. Either by poor choosing, or other factors. I don't exclude myself. I chose wrong in life. Life is short. In a short time, you end up sorting the clearance aisle at wally for a "taker". I have realized the good ones are well gone. I stopped really looking years ago. It sucks but I have since accepted it. It is very nice that people still say "one will come along"....lmao..... Yes, I am sure the next ex certainly will. 

I think I am jealous of my friend's passing. She got to leave with a bang, no fuss, pure accident, and she even told me she didn't think she would be around too long. She didn't have to deal with getting older or all the BS that comes with age. She signed off early. Why is it that people are so GD selfish? They "want you around" which is code for "we want you to suffer through life so we can claim you and not have to deal with your loss".... It is stupid. I literally wake up each day pissed because I know I would take my mom with me, and that is not fair to a woman that is basically a saint.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I appreciate the replies! I think I have walked away from finding out more details of her loss. It still bothers me but my engineering side knows that the impact must have been extreme for the car to catch fire so quickly, and I can only hope she was out of it. But part of me can see her fighting for life.
> 
> I think my realities, even before her passing, were sobering and I have been pretty accurate in my analysis so far. This woman was one of the only rare bird to accept me for what I offer, and just be a friend. Here are a few things I have learned in life so far.
> 
> ...


Wow!

Bitter.
Bittersweet.

Most truth is this way, sweet on the outside, bitter in the middle.
Or, simply the reverse.

A pain in the ass, can be inside or outside, or inside-out.
Either way, it eventually hurts to kiss it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

That was quite a pukefest, my apology!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does this need ended.


Gave up on a real relationship years ago. Have a "play toy" that I met a couple yrs ago that probably stop in once a week or so. Issue is even though I explained my case back then, I sort of think she is holding onto "something" like I will roll over and start the care. She is about 12yrs...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Is this thread about the woman you spoke of in the above ^ thread? If so, reviewing that thread may give you some insight into yourself.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Just an update on this deal. So I have been chatting with this woman's mom for months. She is as I would expect any mom in something like this.....lost....This week is her birthday so I guess I will try to grab some guts and meet some new people under crappy circumstances. 

To top this further, on the same day I committed myself to a gym session in the early morning with a guy I know well who lost his sister and my coach to cancer on that day. There is a memorial workout for her. Talk about an emotionally draining day! I could care less about my physical exhaustion, that will not be a good day. I did not attend that funeral and never really dealt with that. Just hoping I can keep my **** together all day.


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