# I don't want divorce



## JMF76

I don't know how to start and what exactly to say but I have been reading tons of blogs about divorce and I am scared that will be my future. I know this is going to come off selfish and shallow but my wife and I have not spoke in four days and she has kept me in the dark. To give some back log I messed up I cheated on my wife not in the physical sense but in the emotional and i think that is far worse. I was on an app like twitter, tumbler in which you follow items you are interested in and to be honest mine was women I am not condoning what I did I am human and I have my flaws. I posted a picture not of myself i was actually a reblog and someone liked it and reached out to me. I answered and that was the biggest mistake, I did not seek out this person and I have never contacted anyone before but she found it on my phone about three weeks ago but never said anything. I must have been outside working in the yard or doing something but she opened my phone and went through all my messages and apps and found this. Fast forward to this past Wednesday and I had just come back from a business trip and was quarantining at my parents second home and I reached out to her to talk and see what's going on i did not know she new at that point. I would have to go back through text but a simple conversation turns dark and she starts fighting with me and arguing then confronts me with a picture of my message and then asking who else and what other apps. To be honest i forgot about that message and it didn't think to me to come clean because it did not go past us asking where we both live and what interest we have that was it. I know i am wrong and i know i broke her trust and will have to earn it back but she has not reached out to me. Her last message was that she did not want to hear from me and I have respected that and not called or text in almost 5 days. We have two amazing daughters that i also have not spoken to as well. I know they are fine and i am sure they don't know anything at this time but i think about how this is going to affect them. Her parents are in town for the holidays and i think her mom is going to stay for a couple weeks to help out since I am supposed to be quarantined for two weeks with this Covid ****. The ironic this is i got a test yesterday and it came back negative so I could go to the house and just act like nothing happened and walk right in but i am worried what will happen. I am about a hour away so i cant just drive over and stop in. I just want her to contact me confront me talk to me but as you can see its all about me i dont know what she is going through and how she is feeling. I don't want a divorce i want to fix this and i want to work on it i just think its to late i think the time apart she is going to feel as though she can do this alone and she doesn't need or want me anymore. I am sure non of this is making sense and I am just rambling but I need to I have been walking around the house having conversations with myself rehearsing what to say if and when i do get to talk to her. She is not at fault she has done nothing wrong she is an amazing women, mom there is nothing i can complain about at all. I guess i am just venting but if you have anything or something to say I would have to hear from one and all.


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## Diana7

So this lady sent you a message and you replied? How many messages were there and over how long a time? Was there anything of a flirty nature? Who stopped it?
What do you mean by you were following women? Did these women have provocative photos? More?


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## JMF76

She did contact me there was a total about about 10 messages back and forth. This all took place in one day during a couple hour span. There was nothing flirty she said she like my reblog and i said thanks and they it was where your from she was from the other side of the US that was the end of the conversation no one reached out after that. Yes these women had provocative photos and my wife was on the same app different screen name. I would tag her in pictures of things i thought were hot or something we could do. For example one of them was a wife bringing home dinner in just a rain coat and walking in the house. Just ideas of things. My wife knew i was on this app and she knew what i was looking at and what she was looking at what upset her as far as i know is that i had a conversation with someone and she is wondering if i did it before and how far that went or if I am using other apps to contact people. To be honest i don't have any other apps and i cant remember that last time someone contacted me on this app. Basically i should have deleted the message and then the app i should have seen how this would not end well for me but lets face it i am a man and we don't always make the right decisions.

We did have a issue with past with this in which i have contacted people just to chat never meet and my opinion is she is done with that and i dont blame her i messed up but i do want to save my marriage and i do want to be with her. I am trying to make myself a better person i joined to blog to get advise and i am also talking with an online counselor (small benefit of covid) there are alot of online services provided by insurance companies now.


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## Blondilocks

Do you have any male friends?


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## JMF76

Not really I am friendly with my wife friends but i don't have any female friends.


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## Diana7

JMF76 said:


> She did contact me there was a total about about 10 messages back and forth. This all took place in one day during a couple hour span. There was nothing flirty she said she like my reblog and i said thanks and they it was where your from she was from the other side of the US that was the end of the conversation no one reached out after that. Yes these women had provocative photos and my wife was on the same app different screen name. I would tag her in pictures of things i thought were hot or something we could do. For example one of them was a wife bringing home dinner in just a rain coat and walking in the house. Just ideas of things. My wife knew i was on this app and she knew what i was looking at and what she was looking at what upset her as far as i know is that i had a conversation with someone and she is wondering if i did it before and how far that went or if I am using other apps to contact people. To be honest i don't have any other apps and i cant remember that last time someone contacted me on this app. Basically i should have deleted the message and then the app i should have seen how this would not end well for me but lets face it i am a man and we don't always make the right decisions.
> 
> We did have a issue with past with this in which i have contacted people just to chat never meet and my opinion is she is done with that and i dont blame her i messed up but i do want to save my marriage and i do want to be with her. I am trying to make myself a better person i joined to blog to get advise and i am also talking with an online counselor (small benefit of covid) there are alot of online services provided by insurance companies now.


Sounds to me as if you are BOTH walking on very thin ice by being on that app at all.Her being ok aboout you following these other women at all seems odd, didnt she realise what it may lead to? The fact that you did it before(and you dont mention what sort of chat that involved, was it flirty/sexual? Did you send or receive pictures?),may mean she feels you have had enough chances, but for her to be ok about one thing and not the other seems a bit odd to me.

Would she agree to some sort of Marriage counselling?


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## JMF76

I agree with that fact that I have had several chances and i keep screwing up in the almost same way. Its never the same thing each time but it does revolve around trust and i keep taking advantage of it. You are correct that this website was our down fall and i should have deleted it or she should have told me its upsetting her but no one said anything. Any and all previous conversation was not flirty or sexy it was sometimes advise about my marriage our sex life it was a release and vent for me cause we would not talk. I do have ADHD and that is part of the problem i am impulsive and consistently do things without thought and never consider the consequences. I am trying to better myself and control that and i know its only been 5 days but it feels like a life time she has blocked and locked me out of everything. I don't know what she is thinking and what she wants and that is driving me nuts i don't know if it is over or if she is just punishing's me to teach me a lesson. This is different then before I have never been away from her like this. In the past when we fought we would go a day or two not talking but i would be home and we would see each other but this is not the case i am in the dark and i have no one to talk to to get some incite in to what she is doing or feeling. I did reach out to one of her friends and she said she knows something is wrong and does not want to get in the middle. I am trying to give her space and not push the issue but my hurt is turning into anger that she has not reached out or done anything to keep the lines of communication open. I am worried that to much time is going to pass and i am going to lose the opportunity to make the better. I don't know if she is thinking divorce and putting the papers together or at least looking into it or if she is hurting inside like me and torn about reaching out.


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## Blondilocks

I asked if you have any *male *friends.


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## hubbyintrubby

If she were trying to teach you a lesson here, are you learning it? It sounds like similar things have happened before and you hadn't learned then.


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## JMF76

Blondilocks said:


> I asked if you have any *male *friends.



Sorry i miss read i was reading another blog about a man who only had female friends. Yes i have a couple really good male friends one in particular who has checked in on me daily and knows whats going on.


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## Blondilocks

The only opposite sex person you should be talking to about your marriage or sex life is your spouse or a therapist. That's offense #1. Offense #2 is contacting her friends to whine. That's a no-no. 

Again, do you have any male friends or do you just get along better with women?


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## JMF76

As far as learning a lesson i am learning this time. Again its never come to this we have never been apart like this were i am shut out of everything. I have not seen or spoke to her or the kids in 5 days. That is very hard for me and it has made me appreciate what i have and what i want. I know there is nothing i can say at this time that will make a difference but i just want a chance to make a difference to make it right. Nothing would make me happier then her coming here and beating the **** out of me so that i would at least know where i stand and what to expect. If she wants it to be over just say it, if you want space to be alone and we will get through this i am ok with that too. I just want some contact i what to know what she is going through and how she feels.


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## JMF76

Blondilocks said:


> The only opposite sex person you should be talking to about your marriage or sex life is your spouse or a therapist. That's offense #1. Offense #2 is contacting her friends to whine. That's a no-no.
> 
> Again, do you have any male friends or do you just get along better with women?


Your absolutly right with offense #1 and #2. I do have a bunch of male friends I used to have a very close group of about 10 guys but over the last couple of years we have grown apart i am the only one that is married and kids. I do have two friends that i chat with daily and come by the house all the time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

If you say you didn't know that responding to a women sending you messages is bad for your M then you are telling an outright lie.

In no way can you blame this on ADHD.

These are first things to admit to yourself.

It's good you're trying to accept how totally this in your fault. And you've apparently done this repeatedly so you're still trying on the trying rationalize this poor choice Merry go round.

That is the real problem and your W sees it.

You'll have to hope your W hasn't yet started thinking this is the last straw for her.


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## JMF76

I appreciate the harshness and i do see how this is a merry go round and i want to know how to fix that or at least manage it and stop before i make the mistake. I dont want to keep doing this and i dont want to keep ****ing up.

As for what my wife is thinking i wish i knew. I do think she is leaning to walking away and leaving me but again have not heard from her so i am sitting here in limbo.


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## Diana7

JMF76 said:


> I appreciate the harshness and i do see how this is a merry go round and i want to know how to fix that or at least manage it and stop before i make the mistake. I dont want to keep doing this and i dont want to keep ****ing up.
> 
> As for what my wife is thinking i wish i knew. I do think she is leaning to walking away and leaving me but again have not heard from her so i am sitting here in limbo.


I agree with another poster, talking to other women about your sex life is a betrayal. 
I do think that you should be able to see your children though, can you contact them directly or are they too young?


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## SadOne1974

Contacting other women via an app to me is cheating. Why would you have the urge to do this if you are married. ?


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## JMF76

First i did not contact her she contact me. But i do see where you are going with this conversation and i have had 5 days to think about it and one thing that is constant is that I am selfish and needy. I am like a 2 year old if I dont have my wife's attention and gratification i lash out and by doing that i get the attention from other means. That is not right and i am not condoning it and absolutely not her fault she has kids work house all that to worry about and i take it for granted. Instead of offering help and assistance i stray. Its not what i want to do anymore and i am seeking help and trying to figure out how to control it.


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## JMF76

Diana7 said:


> I agree with another poster, talking to other women about your sex life is a betrayal.
> I do think that you should be able to see your children though, can you contact them directly or are they too young?



So my kids are 6 and 4 contacting them direct is not an option. I know i betrayed her and i own that and want to make it better but she has told me not to contact her and that is the only way I can speak to the kids. She has cut off any and all other communication.


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## Diana7

JMF76 said:


> So my kids are 6 and 4 contacting them direct is not an option. I know i betrayed her and i own that and want to make it better but she has told me not to contact her and that is the only way I can speak to the kids. She has cut off any and all other communication.


OK well whatever is going on between you two there is no reason why the children need to suffer by not seing their daddy. Can you contact a third party who you both know and arrange to see the children? A family member or mutual friend? 
You may also need to get legal advise about the house and children. If its in joint names I cant see how she can keep you out for good.


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## JMF76

So i have reached out to a friend to see about talking to the kids and she said to giver her time and to wait and be patient she is hurting now and i have to give her space. As for the legal issue and the house that is a mood point it is not about the money or the house she can have it all i can make more money and buy another house. As for the children that is a different story i am going to listen to her request and i am sure she will listen to mine and to be honest i think we are going to have to sit in front of mediator and figure this out as it will get dirty of we don't. I know the mother has first rights and i am ok with that as she is an amazing mother but almost all that she has is because of me. I am not going to take any of that away from her or impact the kids life.


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## Justmeplusone

Go tell your wife how you feel! Make it a big deal that you appreciate her and your life together.


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## JMF76

Thanks for the suggestion but a lot has transpired from yesterday and i don't think that is going to make a difference I finally spoke to her last night and it was not good or bad but there was no change she still wants me to stay away and she doesn't want me to go home or reach out. She wants me to continue therapy and i found out yesterday she has been seeing a therapist as well which i am happy about but kind of upset she was hiding it. I tried to tell her last night how i felt and what i wanted but i didn't get the reaction i wanted she was cold and distant and i just want her back i miss her and the kids so much.


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## Blondilocks

JMF76 said:


> So i have reached out to a friend to see about talking to the kids and* she* said


You just can't help yourself. Stop talking to women if you want your wife to believe that you have seen the error of your ways. 

You need to find a way to self-soothe without seeking women's attention. You're coming off as a guy whose mommy weaned him too soon or not soon enough.


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## JMF76

The person i reached out to is her best friend and out nieghbor. The reason i reached out is because i know they talk everyday and i wanted to know what was going on in my wifes head. I am weak right now because everything i want is now up in the air that is a hard thing to handle and a hard thing to swallow.


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## Blondilocks

Your wife's best friend is not going to betray her confidences. You need to just stop.


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## JMF76

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife's best friend is not going to betray her confidences. You need to just stop.


I wasn’t asking her to betray anyone’s confidence I just want to know I’m just supposed to sit by and do nothing


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## Personal

Since you won't get yourself out of the hole you have dug by digging deeper. Do yourself a favour and do what @Blondilocks is telling you.


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## JMF76

Personal said:


> Since you won't get yourself out of the hole you have dug by digging deeper. Do yourself a favour and do what @Blondilocks is telling you.


Ok I will not reach out to anyone anymore.


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## MattMatt

@JMF76 It seems as if your wife was suspicious of you. Why would she be suspicious?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife's best friend is not going to betray her confidences. You need to just stop.


That's what I was about to say. You can't count at all on the friend either sharing or passing on accurate information. 

And she isn't required to. Keeping talking to her will not help


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## JMF76

MattMatt said:


> @JMF76 It seems as if your wife was suspicious of you. Why would she be suspicious?


This is not the first time. Now why she was suspicious i dont know i dont know when she found the evidence and how long she has been holding on to it. The event happened November 10 and she confronted me on the 25. So i am thinking this was manifesting. What is weird is that all the way up to the 25 things were normal we talked we laughed we shared and then all of a sudden it was over. Its not like we were fighting for weeks or that we didnt talk for days not until all this happened then she cut ties. I am very confused about everything she has been going to therapy for weeks and didnt tell me if I would have known that i would have wanted to know why and wanted to possibly do my own therapy since this issues are not with just her.


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## JMF76

JMF76 said:


> This is not the first time. Now why she was suspicious i dont know i dont know when she found the evidence and how long she has been holding on to it. The event happened November 10 and she confronted me on the 25. So i am thinking this was manifesting. What is weird is that all the way up to the 25 things were normal we talked we laughed we shared and then all of a sudden it was over. Its not like we were fighting for weeks or that we didnt talk for days not until all this happened then she cut ties. I am very confused about everything she has been going to therapy for weeks and didnt tell me if I would have known that i would have wanted to know why and wanted to possibly do my own therapy since this issues are not with just her.



I dont hide that fact that i made a mistake and i have some issues i need either therapy or medication for what i dont understand is what is happening with us. I know all the reasons she wants a divorce i dont know any of her reasons as to why she doesnt. Thats what i really want to know and something i think will help my therapy. Is it because of the kids or financial or that she still loves me and wants to make sure this is the last time and i do want to change. But because we dont communicate and we had issues communicating before i dont think i am going to find out any time soon. When speaking with her last night she was cold and distant and short with answers not much to say i did all the talking. We were on the phone for about 2 hours and i didnt want to get off i just wanted to hear her voice i just wanted to make it right to fix it. I have been reading the 180 lessons and trying to implement them into my life but its difficult it could go either way. If we stay together i have to work on seperate things then if we got a divorce. I am not sure that makes sense to all but if she is not going to take me back why do i have to change everything about myself. I know i have to change some to be a better person. 

If we stay together i will work on my emotions and stepping out and some of the other sexual problems we are having. If we are not staying together why do i have to change that why do i have to change or someone that no longer wants me. I never hided who i was and my interest and she has admitted it so again what is keeping her around what is stopping her from filing paper and getting ahead of me in the rest of her life. Meaning draining the accounts and locking me out of the house or anything along those lines i want to know that if we both in limbo and waiting its for the same reason.


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## Justmeplusone

JMF76 said:


> Thanks for the suggestion but a lot has transpired from yesterday and i don't think that is going to make a difference I finally spoke to her last night and it was not good or bad but there was no change she still wants me to stay away and she doesn't want me to go home or reach out. She wants me to continue therapy and i found out yesterday she has been seeing a therapist as well which i am happy about but kind of upset she was hiding it. I tried to tell her last night how i felt and what i wanted but i didn't get the reaction i wanted she was cold and distant and i just want her back i miss her and the kids so much.


What about asking her to go together to a therapist ?


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## JMF76

Justmeplusone said:


> What about asking her to go together to a therapist ?



I would love to do therapy together i have no issue with I just dont know if she is interested in that


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## Diana7

OK your wife wants you to stay away but there is NO reason why your children have to be deprived of their dad. She has no right to keep them away from you.


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## Evinrude58

There is far more going in here than you’re divulging because what you’ve stated doesn’t make sense.
You’ve alluded to sexual dysfunction and past “talking to women” problems.
A man’s wife doesn’t divorce him when she catches him having a casual conversation with a woman, even on some stupid site like you’re on. There’s more to this whole story. Nobody can give you any decent advice with knowing the details of your transgressions and the problems in your marriage that were preexisting the “incident” on Nov. 10th. 
Your business isn’t my business. I’m just mentioning this so you understand that good advice won’t come from the uninformed.

You are all jacked out of shape, and do is your wife. From what you’ve said, you are guilty of something more than you describe.
Your wife may have something she’s hiding as well.


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## Spicy

I agree with @Evinrude58 there is a lot more to this story that you are admitting, I think you have much worse baggage than you describe here. We really can’t help you without the truth. It sounds like you have had online emotional affairs for a long time. Maybe she is done because of your past cheating. You are goihg to have to come clean in order for us to help you AT ALL or for you to have a hope at salvaging your marriage! Forget these fake women!!!! Love the one that is flesh and blood in front of you. Who gave you offspring!!! Forget these phantom women online. They will only rob you of a decent family life,


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## JMF76

Spicy said:


> I agree with @Evinrude58 there is a lot more to this story that you are admitting, I think you have much worse baggage than you describe here. We really can’t help you without the truth. It sounds like you have had online emotional affairs for a long time. Maybe she is done because of your past cheating. You are goihg to have to come clean in order for us to help you AT ALL or for you to have a hope at salvaging your marriage! Forget these fake women!!!! Love the one that is flesh and blood in front of you. Who gave you offspring!!! Forget these phantom women online. They will only rob you of a decent family life,



I am sure there is a lot more to the story and a lot she has not shared with me. She obviously has concern and worried about getting back together because it is a merry go around and i keep ****ing up and i need help and i am trying to get help. I am seeing a theripast although it is fresh and i just started but i feel good about myself and i see a lot of issues and learning a lot about myself i am actually enjoying the self reflection at this time. I think my past actions is the main reason in which i am in the dog house and the fact she does not want to try again. I keep making the same mistake and she has had it and she is beat down with the fact that over and over she gives me a chance and i take advantage of it. Your probably asking why is not any different what is going to keep me from doing it again. Well the counceling is helping it is allowing me to see my faults and my areas i need help with. I do have issues and this time i see them and i want to work through them to be better for me her and the kids i want to be who they all deserve. My therapist and I have found out the route of the issue and thats i need constant validation and i need to be desired like a kid and thats not fair instead of demanding the validation i have to earn it. I cant just walk up and demand it i need to do something to earn it and that is part of the issue is when i dont get the validation i look for it in other ways and that is the women online. I do love my wife more then anything and she given me everything in life and i need to not take advantage of that and cherish it. This is a learning process for me and i grow better and better each day.


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## Personal

JMF76 said:


> I am sure there is a lot more to the story and a lot she has not shared with me.


It's funny you get asked about what you have done and instead deflect it onto your wife.



JMF76 said:


> I think my past actions is the main reason in which i am in the dog house and the fact she does not want to try again.


No kidding, of which it is pretty clear you are tap dancing around it here as well.

Since you seem to be unwilling to behave with any integrity, your wife would do very well to divorce you.



JMF76 said:


> I keep making the same mistake and she has had it and she is beat down with the fact that over and over she gives me a chance and i take advantage of it.


When it happens once it might be a mistake, when you keep doing it repeatedly it isn't a mistake it is entirely deliberate.

It seems like you have come here to get a magic pill to get your wife to ignore you cheating on her.

I hope for your wife's sake, she divorces so that she doesn't have to suffer being with someone who cheats on her repeatedly.


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## JMF76

Personal said:


> It's funny you get asked about what you have done and instead deflect it onto your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> No kidding, of which it is pretty clear you are tap dancing around it here as well.
> 
> Since you seem to be unwilling to behave with any integrity, your wife would do very well to divorce you.
> 
> 
> 
> When it happens once it might be a mistake, when you keep doing it repeatedly it isn't a mistake it is entirely deliberate.
> 
> It seems like you have come here to get a magic pill to get your wife to ignore you cheating on her.
> 
> I hope for your wife's sake, she divorces so that she doesn't have to suffer being with someone who cheats on her repeatedly.



Thank you for the constructive criticism


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## Evinrude58

If your wife has thrown the love switch due to repetitive injuries due to your cheating—it will make no difference if you “change” or not. Once her love is gone, it’s gone. 
Based on your last post describing why you deserve another chance after you confess to repeated instances of infidelity, I suspect you will do it again once you feel safe.

She will sadly never feel safe, even if you change. Hence, she might be done. If she’s left the home, it’s unlikely she will return. If she hasn’t, your have a chance. Probably your last.


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## Evinrude58

If your wife has thrown the love switch due to repetitive injuries due to your cheating—it will make no difference if you “change” or not. Once her love is gone, it’s gone. 
Based on your last post describing why you deserve another chance after you confess to repeated instances of infidelity, I suspect you will do it again once you feel safe.

She will sadly never feel safe, even if you change. Hence, she might be done. If she’s left the home, it’s unlikely she will return. If she hasn’t, your have a chance. Probably your last.


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## JMF76

Evinrude58 said:


> If your wife has thrown the love switch due to repetitive injuries due to your cheating—it will make no difference if you “change” or not. Once her love is gone, it’s gone.
> Based on your last post describing why you deserve another chance after you confess to repeated instances of infidelity, I suspect you will do it again once you feel safe.
> 
> She will sadly never feel safe, even if you change. Hence, she might be done. If she’s left the home, it’s unlikely she will return. If she hasn’t, your have a chance. Probably your last.



So i am out of the house she is making me stay away till she figures this out. I did spend 5 hours on face time with the kids they left the phone in the room so i can listen and be a part of it. I dont think she has thrown the love switch and she is still thinking it over. I believe i will not do this again and i believe did i not only learn a lesson but it has opened my mind to the help i need. I am currently speaking with two therapist. One is a general one that focuses on ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This is to better myself. I am also seeing another therapist for marriage counseling and also medication medicine which is something i think i need.


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## Justmeplusone

JMF76 said:


> Thanks for the suggestion but a lot has transpired from yesterday and i don't think that is going to make a difference I finally spoke to her last night and it was not good or bad but there was no change she still wants me to stay away and she doesn't want me to go home or reach out. She wants me to continue therapy and i found out yesterday she has been seeing a therapist as well which i am happy about but kind of upset she was hiding it. I tried to tell her last night how i felt and what i wanted but i didn't get the reaction i wanted she was cold and distant and i just want her back i miss her and the kids so much.


Any new update?


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## Luckylucky

It’s really insane living with an adult who needs so much attention from the opposite sex that they just can’t stop. Almost like living with an addict isn’t it?

I notice above you said ‘why should I change if she doesn’t want me’ which makes me think you are already planning ahead and not wanting to change regardless. You’re putting it on her.

I have a suggestion, why didn’t YOU initiate a divorce, or even get married? You’d get to be single so that you can always chat online all day all the time with women? Imagine that - non-stop validation all the time without some annoying wife breathing down your neck and controlling you!


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