# Done checking up



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am 4 months out in reconciliation and I done checking up. I am tired of stressing myself out. What will be will be. I have given everything that I can. If that is not good enough, then so be it. No more looking over my shoulder. I have figured out that I am worth more than I ever thought. 34 yrs old with 3 kids and I am still turning heads. I may not be the 20 yr old that was 5'9" and 120 pds, but I still have it. He can either see what he has to lose or search outside. I just dare him to get caught again.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

yes, there comes a point where you just can't be arsed with the upset and time wasting any longer! Though I'm sure you will revert again....that circular feeling of acceptance, can't be arsed anymore, worry, panic, can't be arsed.....

I hope you are getting what you need for him for you to continue in a positive cycle.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I am 4 months out in reconciliation and I done checking up. I am tired of stressing myself out. What will be will be. I have given everything that I can. If that is not good enough, then so be it. No more looking over my shoulder. I have figured out that I am worth more than I ever thought. 34 yrs old with 3 kids and I am still turning heads. I may not be the 20 yr old that was 5'9" and 120 pds, but I still have it. He can either see what he has to lose or search outside. I just dare him to get caught again.


Almost 5 months out here, I stopped checking up long ago. That's no way to live, plus I truly believe my wife will never do this again. 

Good luck in your R. Pop in on the reconciliation thread sometime, love to see you there 

take care..


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife arrived at that same point early on. She accepted that no amount of checking would prevent me from cheating again if that's what I wanted to do. She also knew that of I did sooner or later I'd get caught and that would categorically be the end of our marriage. And she's right on all counts, fortunately me cheating again isn't going to happen. 

Having said that she'll also say that she doesn't and never will trust me exactly the same way again. IMO that's a good thing. She trusted me completely blindly before, a degree of trust that honestly I can't give and I think no one nor anything is entitled to. A little "inspect what you expect" is always a healthy thing in everything, not just post infidelity marriages. 

I think it's good to let the hyper vigilance go, you have to at some point to move on; but I wouldn't turn a totally blind eye. Picking up his cell phone a couple of times a year is just good business. Hell I pick up my wife's and I'm the one who cheated.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I gave up on checking up on STBXW after about 5 months. The stress was eating me alive...draining me. I started thinking when will this ever stop for me. I can't live my life like this. I realized that with today's technology she could easily still be in contact and still seeing POSOM and I would never know. They could have easily adapted and worked around my spying. Unless I spend every minute of everyday with my STBXW...she could find a way.

The question then became "Can I trust her or not?" After a year of False R, the answer was no. She did not put in the effort to earn that trust back...so file I did.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

I stopped checking at around 2 months. During these first 2 months I never had a VAR, but checked phone bills and tracked him by his GPS I had on his phone.
No wonder I never found anything, he had an underground phone. He had been lying during therapy as well.
One day, 3 1/2 months later I had a funny feeling. I mapped him by the gps on his phone. I located home at OW house at 10:00 pm. I drove by and sure enough, he was there, I waited outside. I realized in that moment that he would deny it unless I was actually standing there.That was when I exposed to the OW husband and told him about her underground phones she had bought for them as well.
Since then OW's husband did all the checking on his wife. There was one more attempt at contact a month later but the OW's husband informed me of it within 5 minutes of it happening.

It has been 3 months since that lat attempt. It teetered out.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

underwater2010 said:


> I am 4 months out in reconciliation and I done checking up. I am tired of stressing myself out. What will be will be. I have given everything that I can. If that is not good enough, then so be it. No more looking over my shoulder. I have figured out that I am worth more than I ever thought. 34 yrs old with 3 kids and I am still turning heads. I may not be the 20 yr old that was 5'9" and 120 pds, but I still have it. He can either see what he has to lose or search outside. I just dare him to get caught again.


Been where you are.
You are at the point of nothing more!
You should now focus on yourself and shouldn't care about what he thinks of himself and about you.

Stay strong.
Not only for you but also for your kids.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

This stuff is really sad, but it's good you guys are getting therapy. Picking the wrong partner who is too weak or doesn't have the boundaries and values for marriage is tough. I'm from the school of thought that people don't really change, but it's good to hear there are measures to make them accountable and able to restrain bad habits and minimize destructive patterns. It's a personality flaw that will rear its ugly head again and again, but it sounds like you have a system figured out that functions reasonably well for you.

Personally, I could never play marriage police like that. I have a free pass to my spouse's passwords, phone, etc... and she has mine. The thing is, neither of us need them very often. We are fortunate that we both draw a good amount of attention from the opposite sex, but we usually just laugh it off...
"you should've seen this goofball trying to put his arm around me at the camping party"
"I had this swinger lady from work asked me again if she could buy me a drink"

It's pretty funny sometimes, but we've found that the habit of telling each other about any relationship or advances or work/social/etc connections that could potentially turn into trouble makes us both accountable (the one who got hit on then knows they have to be careful, the other knows maybe to keep an eye on the situation or ask a few weeks later if there was any follow up flirt attempts). Works for us


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

LearninAsWeGo said:


> This stuff is really sad, but it's good you guys are getting therapy. Picking the wrong partner who is too weak or doesn't have the boundaries and values for marriage is tough. I'm from the school of thought that people don't really change, but it's good to hear there are measures to make them accountable and able to restrain bad habits and minimize destructive patterns. It's a personality flaw that will rear its ugly head again and again, but it sounds like you have a system figured out that functions reasonably well for you.
> 
> Personally, I could never play marriage police like that. I have a free pass to my spouse's passwords, phone, etc... and she has mine. The thing is, neither of us need them very often. We are fortunate that we both draw a good amount of attention from the opposite sex, but we usually just laugh it off...
> "you should've seen this goofball trying to put his arm around me at the camping party"
> ...


Your avatar is hot.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

LearninAsWeGo;1152224It's pretty funny sometimes said:


> This is exactly what my wife and I do. Diffuses things pretty quick.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> This is exactly what my wife and I do. Diffuses things pretty quick.


Yep. I actually learned it from my wife. She used to ask me "is ___ anybody I should be concerned about?" ... "ok, then why is she always texting you in the evening when she knows you have a girlfriend?" Back when we were first dating, it annoyed me a bit and felt like a threat to individuality and a questioning of my value system. Pretty quick, though, I realized that she has good intuition and was just helping me. Two minds are better than one, and people do act better when they know they're being watched.

When people flirt with you, it is flattering, and the human norm of reciprocity means you want to be kind back. This natural reaction is normal, but a lotta people take advantage of it. That's what tons of sleazeballs tonight are going for when they buy a random girl a drink or lobster tonight, and it's what many women are doing when they give a bj tonight in hopes of keeping their guy's eye from wandering or in hopes getting him to let her have a shopping spree tomorrow.

We try to use that norm or reciprocity to our advantage by basically reminding each other what our goals are and how a lot of people have selfish intentions (which even with family, church, etc we aren't immune to having once in awhile ourselves). While she might want to be cordial to a boss who tells her she looks nice or not want to offend an ex who adds her on facebook and "just wants to grab lunch and catch up," she knows I can be objective and remind her that he's lonely and probably trying to get in her pants. Likewise, she can do a great job when a divorced lady from my office work party or our gym tells me "I love football too" or "I really like your wedding ring" with a wink... my wife is good wrangling my ego when I get blinders on.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

It's uncanny how they can do that isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gumby0811 (Oct 14, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gumby0811 (Oct 14, 2012)

I'm only about a month from d-day myself, but I'm not sure how long I will constantly be checking, I mean honestly he can't be stupid enough to do something when I have access and am checking, thanks just asking to get caught. Who knows, I think the past month has made me a little cynical
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wildhawke (Sep 29, 2012)

The first time it happened, I checked up on her constantly. We went the whole nine yards, tears, repentance, vows, counseling, the works. When things had settled down a little, it happened again, then again and now for the 4th time. Each time she learns a little more on how to hide her tracks. Now I am just tired and weary, if not for the kids I would have thrown her out the first time.
What I know, they will cheat again, given the opportunity. And they will lie, basically you are dealing with very selfish people. God forbid the WS is a narcissist as well.
So now I don't care anymore. I live my life for the kids and myself. Going to the gym, building my business, spending loads of time with the kids.
She is currently in her reconciliation phase, or so she thinks. She is super nice to me, does everything around the house. But I know she's got one eye on the door.


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

wildhawke said:


> The first time it happened, I checked up on her constantly. We went the whole nine yards, tears, repentance, vows, counseling, the works. When things had settled down a little, it happened again, then again and now for the 4th time. Each time she learns a little more on how to hide her tracks. Now I am just tired and weary, if not for the kids I would have thrown her out the first time.
> What I know, they will cheat again, given the opportunity. And they will lie, basically you are dealing with very selfish people. God forbid the WS is a narcissist as well.
> So now I don't care anymore. I live my life for the kids and myself. Going to the gym, building my business, spending loads of time with the kids.
> She is currently in her reconciliation phase, or so she thinks. She is super nice to me, does everything around the house. But I know she's got one eye on the door.


I hope you get rid of her. You only live once, man.

I know you think you're "doing it for the kids," but don't try to be the martyr. A single parent family (or maybe even a healthy marriage for you in the future) is better than a dysfunctional family. Have some respect for yourself. JMO


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## OnMyOwn123 (Oct 19, 2012)

You go girl!!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I am 4 months out in reconciliation and I done checking up. I am tired of stressing myself out. What will be will be. I have given everything that I can. If that is not good enough, then so be it. No more looking over my shoulder. I have figured out that I am worth more than I ever thought. 34 yrs old with 3 kids and I am still turning heads. I may not be the 20 yr old that was 5'9" and 120 pds, but I still have it. He can either see what he has to lose or search outside. I just dare him to get caught again.


I applaud your self esteem and attitude. We should all feel that way!!

Good luck


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

wildhawke said:


> The first time it happened, I checked up on her constantly. We went the whole nine yards, tears, repentance, vows, counseling, the works. When things had settled down a little, it happened again, then again and now for the 4th time. Each time she learns a little more on how to hide her tracks. Now I am just tired and weary, if not for the kids I would have thrown her out the first time.
> What I know, they will cheat again, given the opportunity. And they will lie, basically you are dealing with very selfish people. God forbid the WS is a narcissist as well.
> So now I don't care anymore. I live my life for the kids and myself. Going to the gym, building my business, spending loads of time with the kids.
> She is currently in her reconciliation phase, or so she thinks. She is super nice to me, does everything around the house. But I know she's got one eye on the door.


Wild....your description of your wife is so sad. Knowing she has one eye on the door...I can relate. I always feel like when the right opportunity comes along my husband will be gone too, because he doesn't value me at all. I haven't been able to let it go and live for me yet and I'm 3 years out!


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