# Need advice marriage/possible divorce



## Raquel1971 (Mar 13, 2008)

I am new here. Thank you for this wonderful site.

I am a 36 y/o female. Been married for almost 10 years. No children. Met my husband when I was 13. We have been together ever since. He is the only man I have ever been with. Literally and sexually.

I have had many problems with my husband. I helped him through his drug addiction and stood by his side many years ago and he has been clean for 15 years. We have been through a lot together. 

I do love my husband. I am not in love with him anymore. He and I don't see eye to eye anymore. He has said so many things to hurt me. I used to weigh 98 lbs when we met. I now weigh 115. I am 5'2. He has told me that I was not attractive to him anymore and to lose weight. Calls me fat. Calls me the B word. Sometimes calls me the C word too. He has throughout the years pinned me against the wall when we would fight and put pressure on my neck. I would cry. The last time he did this was last year. These things stuck with me. However, our relationship is I guess better in that way that it hasn't happened but I feel it could again if he gets mad. He never hit me. I never had self confidence. Tried to lose weight for him. He gets nasty if I am not cleaning the house almost every day. I work a full time job as he does too. There are days he is wonderful. But I finally got the self confidence to say screw you if he does this again. He don't want marriage counselling. I asked. Now, about this other man..

I have known this man (friend) for 20 years. He told me so many years ago that he loved me. I told him that I loved him too but couldn't do anything about it because of my boyfriend. (husband now) We stayed friends but lost touch after a while. We finally got in touch a couple of years ago through mutual friends and have been in touch ever since. He knows a little about whats going on in my marriage. I just found out that he still feels the same way about me as he did all those years ago. He told me in an email. He is a gentleman and wouldn't be with a married woman. But I can't stop thinking about this man. He is everything I want in a man. He is single and hasn't had luck with relationships. I believe that he hasn't hooked up with anyone because he has been in love with me all these years. Not sure but I can't help the way I feel. 

I am thinking of leaving my husband. I need advice. We haven't had any abusive stuff going on for a while but I can't stop thinking about how my life may turn out if I stay with him. Please give advice. I appreciate your time.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. 

I think if you are honest with your post then you need to realize your husband is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Plus at 5'2 and 115 pounds you are in a good weight range (to hell with what your husband says). If I was married to you or a friend or doctor I would tell you to put on a few pounds of muscle not lose weight.

If you have had enough with your husbands treatment and one sided relationship then break with him for that. After that what happens, happens.

draconis


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

I think like Draconis, that you are being abused in many ways. Maybe it is time for you to see yourself through YOUR eyes and not your husband's... Maybe the best thing would be to separate and be on your own for a while.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When the person who should show you more love than anyone is abusive, it's understandable that it would take a toll on how you feel about yourself as over time you may have started to believe what he is saying. Marriage isn't walking around on eggshells 24/7 so as not to upset your spouse. Are you getting anything from this relationship other than avoiding being alone? If he hasn't done anything to deal with his rage, it's only a matter of time until it surfaces again and I for one, would not stick around for that day.

About this other man. I'm sure it's much easier to think about leaving your marriage when you have a white knight waiting in the wings, but I would seriously consider trying to be on your own for a while and not jump into a serious relationship. I think it might help you to talk to a counselor and work through your insecurities so you begin any new relationship feeling strong about yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but take strength in knowing that the stronger you are as a person, the stronger your relationships with others will be. Good Luck


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## qq49h (Mar 16, 2008)

Let me just say I'm sorry your husband treats you this way. I have never understood why a woman will let this go on especially more than once. I am a man and would never treat my wife like that even though I can be angry at times. When I was young I took my poor girlfriend situations out on my car instead of my girlfriend. I suggest you end the relationship as civil as possible and move on. In regards to the other man, after the divorce is final take the relationship slowly.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I am probably the wrong person to be replying to your post. 

Sorry if I offend but I have to ask, what all have you done to warrant such harsh words from your husband. 
Nothing, I bet huh?
Yeah, I'm sure he is just abusive for no reason. Right? If this is truly the case then maybe he just has some sort of disorder or syndrome like turrets.

I agree that you should just seek a divorce so you can finally fulfill your unrequited love for this other guy. I'm sure, unless your husband is stupid, he senses some of what is/has been going on with you. Just think, if he is this abusive for no reason what so ever then what will he do if he finds that you have been pining over an old "friend" for all these years. 

Do be sure that you do not bring whatever poisoned your first marriage to this new/old love affair though, some guys do actually hit or choke or worse when provoked.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

carmaenforcer ~ I'm glad you found a place to vent your own apparent anger towards women. I thought you would have had it all under control when you 'tamed the selfish beast in my household' and 'I had to break her like a wild horse'....hmmmm....guess not


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I don't have anger toward all women just the ones that make themselves out to be the victims as if they did nothing to warrant the negative responses from their men or the one's that keep a secret love from their past and disguise them as just an old friend.

Oh wait that is pretty much all women huh. j/k

Yeah but you are right, this place is a great place to vent so that I don't go home and choke my wife.


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