# 11 years strong, and now we are in a bind...



## SPAZaro69 (Jul 2, 2021)

My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s telling you that she’s probably going to cheat on you in the future and you are wondering how to help? FFS!
You could try growing a set and tell her she can “explore” all she wants to but as a single woman with shared custody of her children.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SPAZaro69 said:


> My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


If you aren't keen on being in a sexual relationship with a woman, who will cheat on you with other men. Then you ought to end your engagement and dump her as quickly as possible.

That said if you're fine with being married to a woman who cheats on you with other men, then do carry on as you are.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SPAZaro69 said:


> I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


You want to better yourself?
Have the strength and integrity as a man to tell her NO. Tell her that you will NOT share your fiancé/wife with other men, period. It’s not open for discussion.

If she chooses to act on her curiosity in any way, she will be choosing to immediately and permanently end your relationship. And you need to have the strength to follow through on that.
She can either explore her curiosity with other men or she can keep her marriage/family. She does not get both.

Honestly, you should probably make the decision for her and end things right now for even suggesting this and putting you in this position. It shows that she doesn’t actually have much respect for you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

god when i looked at this post first it looked to me that your lady is also here looking for advice , much the same story except she wants to improve herself and her job and have more fun and she is married 2 years , 

is it you that wants to share her with other men 
is it your wish to become a cuckold , 
are you happy with swinging and open relationship , because if both of you are up for that FIND good go for it and enjoy it , but it will not fix a bad relationship 
you have to have very good at talking to each other you both have to be very confident in yourself and you relationship 

but if this is not something you want and ready for AND YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE IN DEATH to her because of mistakes you have made in the past 
i would say NO not a chance in hell , 

yes there are men that get turned on by the image of their wife in bed with a bull or toyboy sex friend , 
many keep this in fantastic land , others try it out for a bit once or twice , and go back to normal life others once they open the door to hotwife lifestyle they never stop 
hot wife lifestyle has to be for the 2 people he has to be off on the idea of his wife sleeping with other men , 


you told us about what she wants is more or less your blessing to have sex with work mates 
THE WORK place is the last place she should get involved with anything like this , next worst is a friend , if you want this and she wants this join a hot wife site or other internet dating site for this type life style 
But you have not said if your open to this Do you want threesomes fmf or mfm and I have not the right to tell you if you should let her do it or not it is only you can know if this is right for you , 
think of your own needs and if you let her do this will you want to experience new women as well 
will you want to swing as a couple or one by one , 
some men have this fantastic of their wife with another man and invite a extra man into their bed until he sees that other man going down on his wife and then he starts to think what have i talked my wife into , because in most cases it is the men that being up this idea first and talk their wife into it . sometimes they are not fully truthful to their as to what they fully want , 
some talk their wife into it so they can play around with other women , 

the big difference here is it is not cheating and you can not use it against her if you agree to it 
it has to be agreed between the two and both have to want it 

BUT NOT WITH A WORK MATE bad idea


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

And so you get the same hall pass ?

It’s not going to end well either way. She already has emotional energy for the other men. Your doomed.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> And so you get the same hall pass ?
> 
> It’s not going to end well either way. She already has emotional energy for the other men. Your doomed.


I agree with this in regard to if she has feelings for other men ( feelings towards other men ' is more than one ) 
so unless you happy it is the end of this relationship and you are becoming flat mats with 2 children 
if your not ok with it and you feel your been made except what you deep down don't want because of past mistakes your been backed into a corner and it will end what you have


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SPAZaro69 said:


> I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be


No, you are not. Not "to blame" for her feelings. Her feelings are HERS and her feelings are chosen by her, not by you. Your wife is choosing adultery. Only her. Not you.



SPAZaro69 said:


> What should I do?



Call off the wedding. Throw her disrespectful, ungrateful, entitled, concupiscent a$$ so far the hell out of your life and out of the lives of your children that she will have to commandeer a conestoga wagon to get back.



SPAZaro69 said:


> if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively



WHAT ??? There will be ABSOLUTELY NO POSITIVE effect.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Tell her you have met some women you would be interested in and she what she says?

The way I see it, you really have nothing to lose now after what she told you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Translation: We aren’t even married yet and I’m ready to cheat on you.

I met my wife at 13 ... we are each other’s only partners. It would be no excuse for either of us to say something like this. 

She already told you she is hot for other men ..... there is nothing else to say or think about. It’s finished.

If you marry her I think you deserve whatever misery she serves you up in life. You already had your warning.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

First and foremost and I mean this with all due respect, retrieve your testicles from her purse, put them back in place then take your spine out of her closet and place it back where it belongs. She wants to sleep with other men because you are acting like a sackless bowl of jelly. She has no respect for you or else she wouldn't even have had this conversation with you to start out with.

Now, the bad news. Women who ask their husbands permission to sleep with one or more men at work that they feel sexually attracted to, do so (not always, but almost always) retro-actively to ease a guilty conscience. The chances that she has already had sex with another man behind your back is astronomical.

Tell her that she can sleep with whoever she wants to, but as soon as she did or if you find out she already has, she can consider herself single and in dire need of a new place to stay... Period.

I can't believe you are even considering bettering yourself for a woman who comes to you with such a suggestion. The mere mention of something like this would have my wife signing divorce papers and she is well aware of this fact.

Your fiancé needs to take a good look at herself because by her own admission (by even making this disrespectful suggestion), she has become a crappy and unsafe partner for you. She doesn't seem like marriage material to me at all. If it weren't for the kids, I'd have advised you to kick her out and never speak to her again and do so immediately.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

SPAZaro69 said:


> I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because *I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be...*


What does the bold mean? Have you also had desires to sleep with other women that you've shared with your partner? Have you actually slept with anyone else? Any emotional affairs - where all your energy, interest, time, and emotional attachments have been focused on someone else?

Only you know if your relationship is otherwise toxic in some way, but if the answer to any of those questions is "no" then your partner is a garden-variety cheater. She's just had the stones to tell you about it to your face. 

If the answer to any of those question is "yes," well, then I'd say you started this......


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Son... this is what we call a "red flag". You have been given a gift. The "gift" comes in the form of a woman who just told you, in no uncertain terms, "Sorry, dude. I'm not wife material." LISTEN TO HER. Shake hands, tell her you understand... you love her dearly... but obviously you're on different paths. Yours is one of "spouse", hers is one of "single gal that needs to get some from a bunch of guys". 

The job of being a spouse is a tough one that requires a certain set of skills and personality to pull off. By my estimation, most of us just don't have it. Doesn't make her a bad person... just makes her part of the club of people that should remain single. That's perfectly okay... but unfortunately you're forever connected to this woman via your children. Hey, welcome to the club!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

SPAZaro69 said:


> My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


You need to tell her there is zero tolerance for this. Why are together for 11 year, engaged, have 2 kids, but not married? It is one thing to fantasize about a coworker, but to feel such a strong attraction that she tells her fiancé and father of her children. That is really weird. You need to grow a pair and let her know she is yours and you will not share her. At this point I personally would not stay with her if she doesn't go 100% no contact with these men, even if that means she has to quite her job. This is me, but I would tell her to leave her job and marry you or split and go sow your oats with all the guys she wants.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What does the bold mean? "*I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be..."*

It means he's searching for an excuse for his gal wanting to F other guys and he stupidly is believing unless he's perfect, he deserves for other men to feed her appetite. Maybe he needs to ponder that his old buddies Mike and Ralph's wives didn't F multiple guys before they met them, these ole boys are not perfect, their wives don't cheat on them and ask, "Why do I have to be perfect. Hell she ain't perfect". Somebody please tell our man Spaz that other chicks' puzzy is just as good as his fiancee's and many ain't wanting to spread it around the work place. Also mention whatever she's taking that making her feel like a new man, she'll never get that craving out of her head. He may serve to be the basic and substance food source, but he'll never be her dessert. She'll get that off-premises and between regular meals and will likely rune her appetite for home cooked meals.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> What does the bold mean? "*I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be..."*
> 
> It means he's searching for an excuse for his gal wanting to F other guys and he stupidly is believing unless he's perfect, he deserves for other men to feed her appetite. Maybe he needs to ponder that his old buddies Mike and Ralph's wives didn't F multiple guys before they met them, these ole boys are not perfect, their wives don't cheat on them and ask, "Why do I have to be perfect. Hell she ain't perfect". Somebody please tell our man Spaz that other chicks' puzzy is just as good as his fiancee's and many ain't wanting to spread it around the work place. Also mention whatever she's taking that making her feel like a new man, she'll never get that craving out of her head. He may serve to be the basic and substance food source, but he'll never be her dessert. She'll get that off-premises and between regular meals and will likely rune her appetite for home cooked meals.


Soooooo many guys I talk to have been hurt by their internalized notion of, "Hey... nobody is perfect. I have my flaws, too." They just brush away red flags like they are mosquitoes. After much reflection, the problem is that they have so little self-worth, that they will gladly hang out to any woman, even those that say, "So I'm thinking about bonking other men. Cool?"


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

DSO, the mistake many men make is believing, "She's so beautiful and/or, I love her so much. Why is she cheating?". I keep telling them that how much they love them and how beautiful they think they are is immaterial. What makes her want to stay with you, and reject opportunities to ride other guys, is dependent on how much she loves you and how much romantic interest she has in you. Back when I was a young buck, before I had enough puzzy to know all women's plumbing function basically the same way, I had a chick I dated and was sleeping with a while, start harping to me about other guys in her new class flirting with her. After about a month of this crap I told her to date this cats, give them some puzzy if she wanted and call me when its out of her system. It was a tough call. About two months later she called saying it was a mistake and she wanted to talk. I went by her place, hit it, left and didn't see her again for nearly twenty years. Found out later the guy she wanted to date pulled his Three F Club membership on her. She was in her second marriage but gave me her phone number which I summarily lost. Some dames are just going to have to have something on the side. (some men are like that to) Most of the time you don't know it until she's roped you in. Old Spaz is finding this out. Walking away is a lot harder than waling toward. Regardless of what he does, she'll eventually ditch him anyway.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

SPAZaro69 said:


> My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


Ask your fiancee if she had considered the possibility that "you are missing out on all the experience you could have had with the opposite sex and are not feeling sexually attracted to a couple of women/men at work"?

Would she be okay with you acting on these feelings?

I have a strong feeling that she'd say NO. 

Either way, she'd made her thoughts clear to you. So, if she does not act on those thoughts now, then likely she may later do so.

When people are engaged, they usually don't bring up issues or behaviors that could destabilize the relationship. Unless there's another possibility. And that possibility is that she may want out of this relationship and was too considerate to initiate the breakup with you. So, she's doing this so that you'd be the person to initiate the breakup and she won't be the bad guy.


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## EnglishErnest (Jul 2, 2021)

I think there is a lot of healthy challenge in this thread. Try searching for "nice guy syndrome" and see if the description resonates with you at all, then if it does take a cold hard look in the mirror and do something about it. I was a nice guy for a long time and it's bad for your partner, family and more importantly bad for you.

*What do you want?*

That's the key question for you. Do you want her to try sex with other people or not? Do you want to do the same? 

You decide and you can then communicate that clearly. You owe yourself, her and your kids that. If you aren't clear with her, and she does something you dont like you'll only have yourself to blame.

If you aren't sure what you want... then search for "nice guy syndrome" because nice guys tend to really struggle with knowing what they want.

This is also an opportunity for you to talk to her about what's not working in your sex life. What does she want? Oral, anal, bdsm? What is missing? Get naughty. Get excited. Tell her some of things you'd like to do but haven't told her.

These real conversations can also bring closeness and growth as well as separation, so be brave.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Asterix said:


> Ask your fiancee if she had considered the possibility that "you are missing out on all the experience you could have had with the opposite sex and are not feeling sexually attracted to a couple of women/men at work"?
> 
> Would she be okay with you acting on these feelings?
> 
> I have a strong feeling that she'd say NO.


While this approach sounds logical, it would likely be ineffective at best, and probably counterproductive.

1. “How would she feel if he were doing this“ is operating from a position of weakness. It’s operating from a position of trying to convince her to agree not to **** other men and **** on their marriage. This is ass backwards and completely wrong.

He needs to operate from a position of strength. He needs to tell her what he will and will not tolerate in his marriage. Her opinion on it (and how she would feel if it were reversed) is completely irrelevant. She doesn’t need to agree with it, she just needs to respect/abide his boundaries or leave the relationship.

2. I actually doubt she would give him a definitive no. she would probably dance around it and justify why she should be able to do it and that she wouldn’t hold him back either, while constructing some artificial hoops to limit the likelihood that he would.

She’s already focused on other men, which means she already does not respect him. I doubt she would care all that much about what he does, as long as she gets to experience other men that she’s more attracted to.


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## EnglishErnest (Jul 2, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> She’s already focused on other men, which means she already does not respect him. I doubt she would care all that much about what he does, as long as she gets to experience other men that she’s more attracted to.


True, but a man standing up for himself and what is important to him can often generate respect where it has been lacking.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

EnglishErnest said:


> True, but a man standing up for himself and what is important to him can often generate respect where it has been lacking.


Agreed, hence part one of my post


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let us hope it is her idea of a ****-test, a poop-test to scare OP into action.

What action?

An official marriage, not this mere living together with children.

She may be gauging how much OP loves her, how much he will fight off this notion of hers to the grave.

Note: I _HIGHLY DOUBT_ this is the case.

I would get HARD in her face and tell her _NO WAY, JUANITA_.

Then leave the house and not be reachable for hours.



_Nemesis-_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Of course you can set limits, but that does not solve her worry that she is tempted. A huge plus is that she approached you with this, and didn't just act on it. And how do you feel about this issue, from your perspective of only having had one prior partner. Are you at all curious, or are you content with monogamy as it is currently, and want to preserve that? No matter what, I don't think either of you should pursue anyone else alone - that's advanced non-monogamy, and I can't imagine that you're ready for that! What _some_ couples have done when facing such intense curiosity is to consider swinging, which is done together. Whether this is even an option you'd discuss is unknown based on what you've said, but it can be an effective way to handle this situation - for some.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SPAZaro69 said:


> My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. *What should I do?*


IMHO it is fortunate you haven't married. Just end the engagement and look elsewhere. She is telling you she wants to go with other men, which she will whether you like it or not. Maybe she has already. 

At this stage it is too late to "better yourself" except to attract your next partner,


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Since you have children together, see a family law attorney ASAP and find out what you need to do to secure your relationship with your children and protect your assets in the likely event she hits the road with one of these dudes.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> IMHO it is fortunate you haven't married. Just end the engagement and look elsewhere. She is telling you she wants to go with other men, which she will whether you like it or not. Maybe she has already.
> 
> At this stage it is too late to "better yourself" except to attract your next partner,


Problem is they have 2 kids, so a split is straight forward.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SPAZaro69 said:


> We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities.


OK, let's have a little chat about hypergamy here. 

Women's basic programming is to get with and secure the best option that they believe they can get. 

Her "feelings" are not just that some guy has a cute butt or rippling biceps or dreamy blue eyes. Her 'feelings' are that these guys are Bigger and Better Deals than you. 

Men will screw other women for variety and to add one more to the list. He may even think the one he is with currently is perfectly fine or even the hottest chick going. 

Women screw other men to replace the one they currently have. 

She's not trying to free herself of curiosities. She's trying to free herself of YOU.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Maybe she already cheated with one of these hunks and is just testing the waters to see if he is spineless enough to tell her to "go explore your sexuality, I will be waiting for you when you are ready." Then that night she'll come home and say, guess what I hooked up with one of those guys.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Well, you are feeling guilty because you've been a bad partner. Still, I would ask her if you can cheat as well. I agree with the others. Despite your faults, she doesn't get a free pass.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Why should she feel a commitment to you? She's been your "fiancé" for eleven years? Being a fiancé for more than a couple of years means she's a shack up. What were you waiting for to make a commitment, as if kids are not a commitment? I really don't get it. The party's over. Protect yourself and go find another fiancé.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sfort said:


> Why should she feel a commitment to you? She's been your "fiancé" for eleven years? Being a fiancé for more than a couple of years means she's a shack up. What were you waiting for to make a commitment, as if kids are not a commitment? I really don't get it. The party's over. Protect yourself and go find another fiancé.


I don't think it is far fetched to expect fidelity in such a long standing relationship at all. Myself and my wife are not formally married, we do not recognize the South-African government as legitimate and would not register our union as a business under this government and that is what a marriage contract is, the registration of a business under the corporation that is a government. Do I also deserve her to be untrue to me or me to her just because we refuse to register this business under contract to the listed PTY Ltd. that is the government of South-Africa?

Just because someone hasn't registered their union as a business does not nullify the union on a spiritual level, especially when kids are a result of the union. No, the legal status of this union (or lack of contract under Admiralty law) does not entitle a spouse to stray, and to propose this is simply farcical.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I don't think it is far fetched to expect fidelity in such a long standing relationship at all. Myself and my wife are not formally married, we do not recognize the South-African government as legitimate and would not register our union as a business under this government and that is what a marriage contract is, the registration of a business under the corporation that is a government. Do I also deserve her to be untrue to me or me to her just because we refuse to register this business under contract to the listed PTY Ltd. that is the government of South-Africa?
> 
> Just because someone hasn't registered their union as a business does not nullify the union on a spiritual level, especially when kids are a result of the union. No, the legal status of this union (or lack of contract under Admiralty law) does not entitle a spouse to stray, and to propose this is simply farcical.


You totally missed the point. I don't care if they're not married. At least in the US, there are benefits that accrue to a couple if they are legally married. If they don't want those benefits, that's fine by me. However, being a fiancé suggests that you're planning to submit to the authority of the state to recognize your union.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sfort said:


> You totally missed the point. I don't care if they're not married. At least in the US, there are benefits that accrue to a couple if they are legally married. If they don't want those benefits, that's fine by me. However, being a fiancé suggests that you're planning to submit to the authority of the state to recognize your union.


Or simply announce a state of the relationship with legal standing short of registering a business with the government, enforceable only under common law. Formally myself and my wife are "engaged" and announced it as such to avoid the automatic registration by default of a "Common Law" marriage which will then be a registered business by default under Admiralty law and actually be removed as a union under Common law, thus a misleading misnomer.

If I were not anonymous on a board like this, I would have also called my wife, my fiancé in writing to avoid such writing to be used as documentation in ratification of the default registration of a "Common law" marriage.

The OP might be taking this a step further and refuse to document a marriage even when anonymous. Keep the state out of my family, out of my house and out of my life is my motto and perhaps the OP is of the same mindset, not wanting to document an admission of a marriage that can be used to default the registration of a business under the umbrella of the corporation that falsely mimics the state as it was supposed to be.

Even if I'm wrong about this assumption, it still does not excuse her actions, desires and request (which I still maintain is retroactive to the fact of adultery already committed).


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

SPAZaro69 said:


> My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


Letting her have sex with other men is the worst thing to do.
It will most likely destroy your marriage.

This reaks of selfishness.

You both promised to love each other and be faithful until death parts you.

Love is putting the others well being above self. You should put her first...she should put you first. That way you are both fulfilled.
Health of the marriage trumps either of your selfish wants.

There should be healthy boundaries. If she is getting feelings for other men then she should honor the marriage and not see them again. Move departments....possibly even quit.

You two do not seem to respect the marriage.
This is a coming disaster.
Take radical steps now before it is too late.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I think OP is gone, guess he didn’t dig what we had to tell him.

OP, I just hope you took action and are busy dealing with your situation, and didn’t just disappear because you’re not strong enough to take control of this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SPAZaro69 said:


> What should I do?


Get a new job and relocate your family.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

SPAZaro69 said:


> My Fiance and I have been together since we were 16 and have 2 children. We have both only had 1 other experience with the opposite sex before we got together and they weren't very pleasant. So once we met we settled because we were young and happy with what we had, sexually and emotionally. My fiance is wondering if she missed out on all of the experiences she could have had with the opposite sex and is now feeling sexually attracted to a couple men at work and is scared she will act on it. I also am to blame for her feelings towards other men because I honestly haven't been the perfect partner and best friend I can be, I'm willing to better myself and move forward with the relationship but she is not sure these feelings for the other men will fade. We have talked about the possibility of her acting on these feelings and if it will effect our relationship negatively or positively and she feels it is the only way to free herself of these curiosities. What should I do?


The first questions to ask is what are you _willing_ to do, and what do *you* _want_ to do?

While ENM open relationship is an option here, the important thing to keep in mind is that it cannot heal problems in a relationship.

So first, what is your relationship status? While you called her your fiance, you also have said 11 years together with kids. Do you really still view her as a fiance, or are you married in all but law? This can be a big factor in how you decide.

Does the idea of her physically with other men disturb you? I mean actually disturb _you_, not bothers you because it goes against what society says should be. Again, a key point. It it does not, then there should be no problem with letting her explore physical things, if you are sure her heart still will remains with you.

Which now comes to the next point. What are her feelings towards you? Do you think that she will remain with you if this happens? Ignore what the others are saying for the moment and judge for yourself. They may be right or they may be wrong. But you are the *ONLY* one in the position to know for sure, or at least better than they. If you are not sure then allowing her to venture forth is probably not a good idea. 

Once you know where you stand, then you find out where she stands. Is this something she is bound and determined to do? Is she willing to not do this if you say so? If you two cannot come to an agreement, then you will have to decide what are you willing to put up with. Is it more important to you to be together for the kids? In some cases that can actually be worse for the kids. 

In the end, what you should do will be up to you. We can give you advice, and it comes from a wide range of experience: successful monogamous and polyamourous relationships as well as failed relationships of both. But you are the only one who can really tell what will work.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

EnglishErnest said:


> True, but a man standing up for himself and what is important to him can often generate respect where it has been lacking.


Unless he is standing up for something the other doesn't believe in, such as being poly. Too often the claim is that if you don't behave like I say, then you are not respectful or standing up for yourself.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sfort said:


> You totally missed the point. I don't care if they're not married. At least in the US, there are benefits that accrue to a couple if they are legally married. If they don't want those benefits, that's fine by me. However, being a fiancé suggests that you're planning to submit to the authority of the state to recognize your union.


Not necessarily. I use fiance with my non legal wife in many situations just because it is simpler that trying to explain anything else. Such could be the case here. Instead of trying to explain why they are making a household and family without being legally married, it's easier to say they are engaged. People will tend to let the topic slide after that.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

hinterdir said:


> It will most likely destroy your marriage.
> 
> You both promised to love each other and be faithful until death parts you.


And there it is. "I will tell you what your vows are even if I wasn't there to hear them". Fact: today's vows do not always take the for of what you think are "traditional". This is before we take into account the fact that the OP is saying that they haven't gone through a wedding with vows yet and are not married.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> And there it is. "I will tell you what your vows are even if I wasn't there to hear them". Fact: today's vows do not always take the for of what you think are "traditional". This is before we take into account the fact that the OP is saying that they haven't gone through a wedding with vows yet and are not married.


That was a bit of a premature comment, since they are only engaged. However, the vast majority of vows promise exactly what he said. And it would be safe to say that was the plan here, otherwise he wouldn't be concerned about his wife sleeping with other men. So, I think he made a valid point.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

she is your fiance?

hmmm. seems to not be going so well for the marriage part of her being your fiance.

How do YOU feel about her being with other men. i.e. you becoming a cuckold? if it turns you on sexually, fine, go for it. give her permission to have sex with other men, and see if it continues to turn you on, see if you can navigate the odd facets of such a life style. there are all sorts of levels to such an arragnement. from her dating a new guy every couple months to keep hot, but mostly having sex with you. to her dressing you up in sissy panties, and making you perform on her boyfriend first before they go into your bedroom, close the door, and leave you outside hearing their hours long lust session! 

And since you are not yet married, if it does not work out and you get jealous, it will be easy for you to bail out.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Women screw other men to replace the one they currently have.


Whilst I'm sure that this is sometimes the case it is far from always so.

Certainly incorrect often enough to make acting on the assumption, without further indication, highly risky.


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## Fly With Me (Jul 11, 2021)

EnglishErnest said:


> True, but a man standing up for himself and what is important to him can often generate respect where it has been lacking.


Very true...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Glad I didn’t bother on this one. I kinda figured it was a drive by.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@MattMatt -- time for ZOOOOMMMMMMBBBIIIIIIEEEEE CAAAAAATT!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How are things going, @SPAZaro69? Have you and her reached any resolution?


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## JennaNC (Feb 17, 2019)

I would treat this whole thing like you're married (which you kind of are). You will not put up with being 2nd best and she has to leave. You make arrangements with the kids. If her issue is Hypergammy (a word I had to look up), then you've trumped the other men.


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