# FB, the OW, can someone explain this to me?



## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

Need some insight from the collective minds on this site...

I posted a long time ago, but have been moving on, somedays more successfully than others - I still trigger, which I partially blame myself for, because I do go fishing for info from time to time... I learned " trust, but verify" from you all when I first came on board... Anyway, here's the situation...
Background :
I discovered my H was involved in a pretty long EA. I had no clue at all. It started on FB - an old girlfriend contacted him and they ended up communicating non stop for 2 years. 
While not sexual in nature, it was secret, it was very emotional, and they were very attached to one another. It broke my heart to read what I could find, which was only a small portion of their communication. Again, nothing sexual, but signing off, " I love you" missing you etc... And really, they were each others emotional outlet for those two years.

She was married as well. I know that she was far more invested, wanted to meet up with him, indicated she would rearrange
Her life for him. I know they were not ever lovers, in the past or ever. My H was not as attached based on what I read, but I got the feeling she was in love with him, and he liked being adored and all the attention and I know he was very fond of her.
It appears they were very much connected, which I can't deny, but it was extremely hurtful, as I had no idea, and thought my H and I were very close as well, and did not suspect he was pouring out his heart to this friend.
When I found out, I came on here and followed all the great advice, confronted, outed, NC letter MC IC - the works. 
I contacted her H as decently as I could, called her, wanting to ask
Her about it. - she refused to speak to me, my H sent the NC letter 
And as far as I know, there has been no further contact .

So here's my question:
I fish from time to time - something comes over me and although I know it's not healthy for me, I look at her FB page. Sometimes I check to see if she is still married, other times it is just sick curiosity. 
H and I both went off FB immediately after this happened, but I went back on 2 years later (currently) and used my married name, where as in the past I had used my maiden name. 
So it is two years later, I write pretty mundane things... Only have about 15 friends on there from where I grew up, one of them inquired as to why i had dropped off the face of the planet for those 2 years, and I replied on the comment line a pretty clear version of what FB had brought into our lives. I mentioned this person, how it felt like stalking, what she had sent him in the mail, etc the gifts, the non stop texting on her part, her dependency on his communication with her, at that point I didn't really care who knew, it was almost therapeutic to "out" it. 
Well, the next time I got the urge to check on her, I was blocked.
Then I checked her H FB page, and I was blocked there too

So... 2 years later, she apparently found me under my married name, and then blocked both herself and her H when she read my response to my friends inquiry. 
I want to know what you all think about this. I never made any other attempt to contact her H or her after the initial confront.
I handled it pretty respectfully considering - no name calling or bashing. Why do you think she blocked me? I am thinking her H might be doing some trust but verify too, and she didn't want him to see the full extent of her attachment to my H - for what ever reason i left out a lot of the details when I initially contacted him, I wanted him to know, but I spared him the extent and content of his wife's communication with my H. I basically just told him an inappropriate relationship was happening and advised him to check his phone records to see how often his W was calling and texting my H.

So psychology majors? Give me some insights. I know I'm kind of nuts for even giving this any time or thought but I just have this godawful compulsion to check - I never want that feeling of shock again, I suppose I think if I stay one step ahead... I won't be fooled again. Terrible way to live. But that's how it is...
~Josey


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You forced her to move on by cutting your H out of her life, and any reminder of you is a reminder of something that she believed may have worked out, made her more happy, etc. but will never be... You are likely a painful reminder for her as much as she is for you.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

Good insight...
I suspect we are both trapped in the same web. 
Both checking on each other... Sick.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Hopefully it is because of her shame and embarrassment for disrupting your marriage and hurting her own husband.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Josey said:


> one of them inquired as to why i had dropped off the face of the planet for those 2 years, and I replied on the comment line a pretty clear version of what FB had brought into our lives. I mentioned this person, how it felt like stalking, what she had sent him in the mail, etc the gifts, the non stop texting on her part, her dependency on his communication with her, at that point I didn't really care who knew, it was almost therapeutic to "out" it.
> Well, the next time I got the urge to check on her, I was blocked.
> Then I checked her H FB page, and I was blocked there too
> 
> ...


Psych major here. Lol. She blocked you, simply, because she does not want you knowing anything about her or her life. My bet is that she saw what you posted about her, naming her and outing her on Facebook, which is why the block soon after you did that happened. I have personally blocked people from social media outlets and the reason is always because I don't want them seeing/knowing anything about me and vice versa. Due to the fact that her husband knows, he may also have told hre to block you. But when I was reading that, as a woman, my feeling is that she probably blocked you of her own volition. And she probably felt more inclined to do it after she saw you outed her on the internet for people to see. She probably felt ashamed and embarassed and it probably brought full circle what she did and she wanted to disconnect from it.

Are you upset that she blocked you? Or just curious as to why?

You said that it may seems "nuts" for you having a compulsion to check but I actually don't t hink it's that weird or crazy. She is probably fascinating to you in a way that you wish she wasn't. Why? Because this is a woman who your husband, the man who married you, the one you have a life with, turned his head, someone so close to you, and he gave her his attention. It's not uncommon to want to know about her, I think. Like, What was so great about HER that he did that? (Even if that's not what it's really about) but when you get cheated on or are in a similar situation, that is where the mind goes. So you wanting to learn or see about her, plus in your own words, stay one step ahead of the game so as not to have a repeat of the last time, is totally normal. 

I personally went on a wild goose chase online trying to figure out who the chick my exH with had slept with. I wanted to know what she was like and picked apart her social media profiles. There was one picture I posted online of me and my bff and later she posted a picture with her bff almost in the same position we were posing in. So she knew about me. After that I decided to never look again. She kept changing her name online, too which was weird. Anyway, eventually I blocked him. Never looked her up after that.

You are not alone. It's common to want to know.

But since she's blocked you, I think it's a good thing. I think it will help you focus on you.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

Psych major here. Lol. She blocked you, simply, because she does not want you knowing anything about her or her life. My bet is that she saw what you posted about her, naming her and outing her on Facebook, which is why the block soon after you did that happened. I have personally blocked people from social media outlets and the reason is always because I don't want them seeing/knowing anything about me and vice versa. Due to the fact that her husband knows, he may also have told hre to block you. But when I was reading that, as a woman, my feeling is that she probably blocked you of her own volition. And she probably felt more inclined to do it after she saw you outed her on the internet for people to see. She probably felt ashamed and embarassed and it probably brought full circle what she did and she wanted to disconnect from it.


Appreciate the support! Just want to clarify that I did not mention her name, just her actions... No,I was discreet. I could never be that mean to anyone , even as angry as I was...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How do you know that she specifically blocked YOU? I didn't know Facebook told you if you were blocked. A lot of people have different privacy settings for many reasons- where you can't find someone, or just see a bare page, or their whole profile.

Probably wise at this point to stop checking up on her. But always be vigilant with your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

I have the answer for you! Here it is:

Who gives a ****? 

I'm serious. That's the actual answer. You're obsessed with your own scabs. Quit picking them off.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> How do you know that she specifically blocked YOU? I didn't know Facebook told you if you were blocked.


You can tell when someone blocks you because their name appears in black and you can't click on it (on someone else's post) and you cannot search them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Josey said:


> Appreciate the support! Just want to clarify that I did not mention her name, just her actions... No,I was discreet. I could never be that mean to anyone , even as angry as I was...


I still think she saw what you wrote (if you have mutual friends) or someone told her what you wrote and that is why she blocked you. If you don't have any mutual friends than maybe she just blocked you to block you.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

I know I was blocked because I checked my bosses FB and she is still visible there...

No mutual friends -we live a continent apart

Yes I know I'm picking at scabs...
I just wanted to see if anyone could come up with a reason that she would be checking on ME 2 years later and if you thought guilt was a part of her blocking me, the whole episode, from her view...

Or maybe I just wanted to hear that I'm a thorn in her side as much as she has been in mine. Not proud of these juvenile feelings, but its the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe she was not checking on you, but only found you online so she could block you. 

When you wrote the post you made, was it for public viewing? If so, then she probably saw it. If not, then she probably just wanted you blocked. OR maybe she kept checking up on you as much as you did on her so she decided blocking was a way to help her stop doing that.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You can tell when someone blocks you because their name appears in black and you can't click on it (on someone else's post) and you cannot search them.


Good to know. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are things going with your H?
Is he being remorseful, open, no passwords - all that stuff? Does he talk about it if you want to because that is very important. I guess you don't trust him but that's to be expected. I'm a great believer in trust but verify and eventually if you find nothing you won't bother doing it. 

It's probably not a good idea to keep the memories of it so fresh by checking her FB. It may not be good for you. So it might be for the best that she blocked you. She must be following you as well. She lives on another continent so sounds like you don't have much to worry about it. 

Still I know what you mean - we never want to be surprised like that again. And everyone heals differently so if you felt like doing that on FB then it's fine because you said you did feel good afterwards. You were offloading some anger because the anger stays with us a long time. Don't beat yourself up about what you do - you have every right to do as you wish. Just make sure it's not holding back your healing. 

Main thing is that you and your H are OK & I hope you are.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

@**********
Hi yes things are good now with H. It was very confusing situation for both of us because it was an emotionally fueled relationship and not sexually charged. I don't know why he kept it secret - the entire episode was just so odd start to finish. He does not know why either- but knows it was wrong and weird. 
I do have more anger towards the OW than my H - which I see is a topic of conversation on TAM. For me it is because I know the OW contacted him first and pretending to only want friendship and then tried to talk him out of marrying me and meeting her. H was very clear and firm about that not ever happening. That is the number one reason I am still married. 


I'm even trying to sort out why I posted this question.

To be honest - I got back on FB, using my married name, about 2 years after d day. I had been snooping all along tho, because I was able to use someone else's FB but I finally went back on and when I realized after a few weeks that the OW had blocked me - I went through a list of why?
I could have contacted her in any number of ways, so it was not a result of fearing I would contact her or her H again. 

Most of her settings are private-, so I really can only see the pic of her and her H , (knowing they are still together.) so it's not that I could see what was really going on in her life.

I am not upset she blocked me as one poster asked, I am really just wanting to know what her reason was- it's clear she must have been looking for me over the years, I was only on a few weeks when she found me. Does it mean she is still curious about my H? Looking to see what he's up to through me since he is not on it? If she is still looking for him through me, is she still a potential threat? 
Should I conclude she has not moved on? 
If I can not really see into their lives and certainly would not ever contact her again, why would she bother to block me?

I still think it was to keep her H from reading my post about her. Even tho my post didn't identify her by name, he would know it was her I was referring to. 
So that and realizing she had to be looking for me does keep this in the present tense for me and I should stop completely and someday I hope that will be a reality. I just wanted to hear from women, what their reason would be... I don't care, but I'm curious.
And thank you MS. Other than Feeling crazy at times, I am doing ok
~Josey


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

IF you posted about her and she saw it, I believe that explains the block. Her checking on you and you checking on her is fairly normal under the circumstances. 

The XOM blocked me but since I have my wife's other two accounts I still check on his FB and his wife's FB accounts from time to time.

Neither of them post much. In the past both would post quite a bit. I am sure his wife is pis*ed that she never checked his FB in the past.


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