# Our difficult relationship with our 20 year old daughter



## smeagle3691

My wife and I cannot understand what has gone wrong with our daughter and how she has turned out. We have an 18 year old son who has been brought up the same way and although being involved in one incident with my daughter (explained in due course) he really has been no trouble despite having a learning difficulty and struggling through school. Since the age of about 15 she has been a complete nightmare and put us through a catalogue of traumatic and problematic situations as follows: 
Aged 16 drunk herself unconscious at a friend's party - after several dodgy, dubious phone calls from 'friends' asking if she could stay over we eventually tracked her down to a local park where she was prostrate on the floor and unconscious, I had to carry her to our car and drive her home to sober up.
Aged 17 while my wife was away for a week with a friend and I had been working a night shift the house was invaded my daughter's and son's friends disturbing my sleep. After remonstrating with my son and daughter I left the house to collect my elderly disabled mother-in-law to bring her round for dinner and returned to find the house still full of their friends. I lost my temper and shouted at their friends who finally left. My son and daughter returned to the house and I grabbed her round the neck intending to drag her into our lounge to give her a stern talking to (wrong to grab her I know), my son intervened attacking me and we fell to the floor - my son struck his mouth on a kitchen cabinet and cut his mouth (I can assure you I did not strike him). My daughter then called the police and I was arrested and locked up in a cell. Because I admitted grabbing my daughter and wrestling with my son I was charged with common assault and given a police caution (unwisely decided not to have a solicitor present).
Aged 18 we had gone away to stay a few days with my mother and father. We received a call from my daughter in tears asking us to come home. When we got home my daughter had been out to a party and one of her friends had got into an argument with her boyfriend and our daughter had offered her shelter at our house. The angry boyfriend returned and smashed our large, leaded-light, front window causing £500 worth of damage.
Also aged 18 she left college - having attended to re-sit a maths exam she promptly got an even worse result due to spending all her time on Facebook and chatting on the Internet to friends although we implored her to do revision.
Not long after this my wife told me we were taking a trip with my daughter to a medical facility so she could have an abortion. I didn't find about this till on the day - no discussion, no advice asked, nothing although obviously my wife knew about it.
Also aged 18 my daughter despite having a boyfriend struck a relationship with some weirdo on the Internet. This guy who lived a few hundred miles away from us threatened me over the phone when I tried to warn him off my daughter and eventually turned up at my house. Despite this I invited him in, made him dinner and let him stay the night (on the sofa!) my daughter agreed when he left that he was a weirdo and she didn't want to see him again.
Aged 20 - having spent 2 years on unemployment benefit, going out getting drunk with her mates and not listening to our constant pleas to get a job, I finally got her a job where I work. I helped her through the interview, helped her study for the test she had to do and my wife gave her lifts into work. During the training for her job she became quite ill and we found she had contracted herpes from her latest boyfriend. She missed some of her training and was reluctant to go to work. She then skipped work to accompany a work colleague who was pregnant to go and have an abortion. This resulted in her contract being terminated. (How ironic that it turned out that her 'friend' had cheated with my daughter's own boyfriend!)
My daughter then eventually got a job through my wife and is now working however her behaviour is appalling - frequent arguments with myself and my wife, mood swings, she did not keep her room clean and constantly left a mess round our house. We hardly charged her anything in rent either - only £25 per week. In a previous argument she hit my wife giving her a mark on her face. The final straw came 2 weeks ago when she again attacked my wife kicking her violently and then smashed our TV remote control. I was at work when this happened but simply texted her and told her to leave our house or I would be packing up all her stuff in the morning. She left that night and we havn't seen her since. 
To explain a little about her upbringing - we have always lived in our own home, had holidays every year (mostly abroad), our children have always had birthday parties with bouncy castles in the back garden, bowling, paint balling etc. (Maybe we spoilt them too much). 
We went through one bad spell when my daughter was 8 and son was 6 - relationship had deteriorated between my wife and I and I had an affair. It didn't last long and we got back together and the situation was resolved. However I admit that I had anger issues at his time and during heated rows with my wife I did hit her a couple of times. My wife also had trust issues with me and would drive to the house of the woman I had the affair with and wait outside for a couple of hours to see if I was there and would do this with our children in the back of the car. (I was never there because I had ended the affair).
My daughter has brought these matters up in arguments with us saying that we 'damaged' her and also claims that I beat her when she was a child which is complete rubbish. Like many children she got a tap on her backside or back of her legs if she was naughty but never, ever was she treated like that. Also although he is 2 years younger our son is completely different - very untidy like his sister, but relaxed, friendly, easy going. Our daughter hardly ever brought any friends back to our house while our son brings friends back all the time.
Could what we have done have affected her so badly? Why is our daughter like this and not our son? We think our daughter maybe bi-polar. 
Probably people reading this might think I sound terrible with hitting my wife and the affair and there is never an excuse for violence but this was isolated incidents in our marriage and I had anger management. My wife and I have been married 28 years and would never have stayed together if I had treated her like that all through the marriage. She accepts that she treated me badly at the time of the affair.
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## costa200

> Also aged 18 my daughter despite having a boyfriend struck a relationship with some weirdo on the Internet. This guy who lived a few hundred miles away from us threatened me over the phone when I tried to warn him off my daughter and eventually turned up at my house. Despite this I invited him in, made him dinner and let him stay the night (on the sofa!


Are you kidding me?
WTF is that? some possible psychopath threatens you, shows up and you let him crash on your sofa? You made him dinner?

Your daughter had friends over without permission and you had to have a wresling scene? Damn...


Tell you what, this:



> My daughter has brought these matters up in arguments with us saying that we 'damaged' her and also claims that I beat her when she was a child which is complete rubbish.


If you really did beat her that badly and she was really afraid of you or something she wouldn't say this to your face. It seems she acts like a spoiled princess. 

Easy remedy, stop payin for her stuff.


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## Corpuswife

I have an 18 year old daughter that has made some very bad choices. She is not welcome in my home if she cannot respect my rules. The rules are very clear and simple. No drugs; don't come home wasted; curfew; pick up after yourself and help around the house, when needed. 

Since the divorce my daughter first acted out (age 16) and it escalated. It seems that once she was in trouble, it lowered how she felt about herself. She continues to make horrible decisions. 

I pray that she will see the light. I offered help (mental/counseling) and she is just now taking me up on it. She must help us help her. I will not do all of the work in the relationship. 

Please look into enabling. 

Cut her off financially. Set clear rules. Offer help by professionals. If there isn't a change, then let her leave. Your family needs peace.

Above all...declare our love for her. Let her know, that when she's willing to respect the family/rules...she may return as a young adult.

Good luck. I understand the hell you've been through.


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## Bellavista

Having kids act badly is a gut wrenching experience. I have always said, not only did I bring home babies from the hospital, I also bought a truck load of guilt.
Firstly, she is responsible for her own actions, sure you may not have been perfect parents, but she is acting out herself, not being forced to.
Secondly, you both have to examine your motives, do you enable her behaviour because you don't want her to hate you? Are you worried about something happening to her? Of course you are, but by protecting your kids from the consequences of their actions, they won't learn.
We have 5 kids, 24-15. The eldest is currently doing drugs & drinking & making unwise choices. The next 2 boys are hard workers, never drink or do drugs. The eldest daughter went through a stage of sneaking out to meet boys at night. The youngest daughter is different. They were all raised in the same house with the same parents.
My younger brother put my parents through years of hell, I have always been good (well I think so!)
Make sure that you & your wife don't decend into the blame game, you need to make a plan & stand firm. With us, I am the harder parent, my H is the softie, I have to remind him not to enable the druggie son by giving him money.


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## Cara

Kick her out, cut her off and, for the love of god, stop enabling all of this behavior. No more jobs, no more cheap rent, no more rides to the abortion clinic (!?!). While she is an "adult", you and your wife are now lying in the bed you made in many ways. Its time for the tough love, 'cause the way you two have been doing it hasnt worked.
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## CLucas976

Cara said:


> Kick her out, cut her off and, for the love of god, stop enabling all of this behavior. No more jobs, no more cheap rent, no more rides to the abortion clinic (!?!). While she is an "adult", you and your wife are now lying in the bed you made in many ways. Its time for the tough love, 'cause the way you two have been doing it hasnt worked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts exactly. 

while you want the best for your kids, and you want to help them in every way, at some point there has to be a cut off. It is hard to see the difference between helping and enabling, but there is a fine line, and you two really are just enabling her.

she's an "adult" if she doesn't want to humor your house rules, she has every right to move out and have her own set up. 

You can hope she'll figure it out, but if she always has a fall back or someone to clean it up for her, she never will.

This was actually a constant issue in my marriage..the ex's parents fixed everything for him his entire life, they still do and he's never had to be responsible for his own actions because of it. 

I know if I need it, my mom will help me out. She'll be there for me, but I also know that if I were to behave as your daughter, and bring all of that on myself, she'd leave it to me to deal with it because it's the repercussions of my own actions. It sounds like your daughter lacks the concept of real consequence, because as her parents, you two will always fix it for her even if it's a battle.

IMO, all the "strife" caused by her upbringing she keeps mentioning, is just a scapegoat meant to make you feel horrible and have you shut it so she can carry on. A lot of people had a rough up bringing, a lot of people have it worse, and she is choosing to list it as a crutch and a reason to behave the way she does rather than to let the past be the past and move on.

definitely cut the enabling, make her be responsible for her own actions, set in rules, and if she doesn't like them, show her the door. The real world can be very enlightening.


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## Hope1964

It always pisses me RIGHT off when adult children try to guilt their parents into thinking that they screwed them up. My 40 something year old brother has done this to my parents, and it's sickening to listen to the guilt they carry now and probably will to their grave.

Please do not let her guilt you into thinking her behaviour is your fault.

No parent is perfect. not a one. We ALL make mistakes. Could these mistakes have screwed up our kids? Perhaps. But you can't live your life worrying about that sh!t. LET IT GO.

I agree that you need to quit enabling her. I don't know if you need to go so far as to kick her out, but some tough love is definitely in order.


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## aug

smeagle3691 said:


> We went through one bad spell when my daughter was 8 and son was 6 - relationship had deteriorated between my wife and I and *I had an affair.* It didn't last long and we got back together and the situation was resolved. However I admit that *I had anger issues at his time and during heated rows with my wife I did hit her a couple of times. **My wife also had trust issues with me and would drive to the house of the woman I had the affair with and wait outside for a couple of hours to see if I was there and would do this with our children in the back of the car. (I was never there because I had ended the affair).*
> My daughter has brought these matters up in arguments with us saying that we 'damaged' her and also claims that I beat her when she was a child which is complete rubbish. Like many children she got a tap on her backside or back of her legs if she was naughty but never, ever was she treated like that. Also although he is 2 years younger our son is completely different - very untidy like his sister, but relaxed, friendly, easy going. Our daughter hardly ever brought any friends back to our house while our son brings friends back all the time.
> *Could what we have done have affected her so badly? Why is our daughter like this and not our son? We think our daughter maybe bi-polar. *
> Probably people reading this might think I sound terrible with hitting my wife and the affair and there is never an excuse for violence but this was isolated incidents in our marriage and I had anger management. My wife and I have been married 28 years and would never have stayed together if I had treated her like that all through the marriage. *She accepts that she treated me badly at the time of the affair.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




It is possible what happened when she was 8 scarred her for life. Your son was younger and possibly could not process or comprehend it the way his sister could.

Have you looked into getting individual counseling for your daughter?


(by the way, it looks like you're blameshifting your affair on your wife.)


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## CLucas976

hadesl said:


> Maybe she hasn't grown up yet. My son is having problems with us too, I think the teenagers now sometimes feel parents are a little boring and talk so much.


teenagers have ALWAYS thought that.

you don't have to be "interesting" to expect a 20yr old to act like one, or respect your house rules. 

A lot of people don't grow up until they have to, and she hasn't had to.


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## smeagle3691

Thanks for all the replies and observations - from the parenting point-of-view I play hardball and my wife plays soft. I have always tried to instil discipline but a lot of the time it gets undone by my easygoing wife. I would have kicked my daughter out along time ago but for my wife. For the record my daughter has now come back home and apologised to my wife but won't talk to me. I have told my wife that this is temporary because it won't be long before my daughter reverts back to her bad behaviour and my wife has agreed she needs to find her own place so we are now working hard to try and find her somewhere to live. We want an amicable situation where she lives elsewhere but is able to visit us back home.

Costa200 - I let the guy stay because he had travelled a couple of hundred miles and it was hammering down with rain, he had no money and his mum phoned me up begging for him to stay. He did apologise to me - I am hard but not heartless! I did make him stand out in the rain for 10 minutes though and he got soaked 

Cara, CLucas976, Hope1964 - I am totally with you guys but don't think my wife will let it happen quite as I want :-/

Aug - thanks for the guilt trip, I had worked that out! I don't totally blame my wife and accept I am half to blame! By the way I don't accept your view that we 'scarred her for life'. As some of the others stated - no parents are perfect and there are a lot of people who have had a lot worse upbringings but havn't grown up to be a complete *******!
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## smeagle3691

A s s h o l e that was meant to say!
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## kag123

Dear Lord. I have no advice but I am going to go hug my sweet boy and girl (3 & 2) and pray that the adolescent gods don't come to our house.
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## Bellavista

My 18 yo daughter said to me recently, "Don't you ever get sick of always being right?", when I was correct about yet another consequence of her actions.
She is still inclined not to listen to a word of advice anyone gives her. It is like watching a train wreck coming, seeing the choices she makes..
Now the next child up, our 20 yo son, said once that he was going to watch & learn from other people's mistakes. He has done that & at his young age has started a successful design & web business & does not have many regrets thus far in life. He seeks out people with experience for advice & makes his decisions informatively. Maybe some could say he is playing it safe, but statring a business at his age is not the 'safe' option.


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## costa200

> Costa200 - I let the guy stay because he had travelled a couple of hundred miles and it was hammering down with rain, he had no money and his mum phoned me up begging for him to stay. He did apologise to me - I am hard but not heartless! I did make him stand out in the rain for 10 minutes though and he got soaked


Well... That makes me a heartless bastard then! Cuz i would not give a crap about his mommy and surely i wouldn't give a damn about him too. And knowing it was raining would even make it sweeter. 

That is, if he managed to leave the property alive after it gets to my knowledge that he is finally at hands reach...


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