# My best friend commited suicide last November...



## lucyruiz1875

Hi everyone. Some of you might know me as the ''first date sex'' girl haha. But I really wanted to talk about this one thing...
When I was in high school, I was deeply bullied. I ate alone, sat alone, when I was passing by I was called names. One time the same girl as always decided to threw me a gum in the hair, and I switched. I hit her, dragged her. She scratched me all over the arm.
Then I stopped going to school by phases, and one day this girl came in new- Nadia. She was half african half spanish.
She looked so shy, and some girls(sames that bullied me)started laughing, so I sensed she could suffer from that, and invited her to seat next to me. Now it may look like I saved her but SHE saved me. I started eating with her, hanging out with her, knowing what is like to have a friend in almost 2 years.
Then I quit high school and started working as a waitress when I was 17. My family was very poor so I didn't have much of a choice and I actually didn't like it.
Nadia's mother was white, and boy she was RACIST. She hated her own daughter and only gave attention to her white boy. She hated her ex husband because he left her to go to Africa and ok he's bad, but why taking it all up on Nadia? Her brother could go out late and don't come to sleep at his home (note he was 14 and she was 17) but Nadia came home at 9:15 and not 9, and she would KICK HER OUT. One day, her mother changed her locks and told her to work out her life without her.
Nadia came to my house. She lived with me several months. I hated her mother. I took her to a social specialist and NO ****ing help, no housing for her other than living with literally teenagers with schizophrenia. (Wait up I'm crying already)
Living with her wasn't easy. I think at one point I invited her to leave (she had an uncle north of the island, and she could go whenever she liked) And god is that argument torturing me now that she's gone. One day she just moved with her uncle but we were in good terms, still besties. But she wanted to be friends with the same girls that bullied me. It was more like she wanted to fit in, rather than be her friend. They were popular girls.
So, I didn't like it, and I wasn't seeing her because I started a very abusive relationship at the time. But she knew that if she called, I'd answer, I'd always. She used to call me telling me how bad they were treating her.
One time she sliced her... wrist in front of me. I freaked out, so much blood. I told her to get therapy, I tried to be there for her but I'm guilty as I can, because she was bi, my boyfriend and father's son told me she couldn't be my friend. So I met her in secret.(edit: of course I was the one to clean the blood, stop the bleeding, get her to the hospital...)
Then she started dating. Literally she stopped texting me. Soon enough she was calling another girl her ''bestie''. That didn't feel good. But she was a very kind, passionate woman. And I know I wasn't always there for her.
Then last November one of these ****ed up girls call me. Tells me since ''I knew Nadia''(I just didnt KNEW her, she was my best and only friend, and I told her to GET AWAY from these exact girls!) ''She wanted to let me know she commited suicide by precipitating off a fourth floor.'' I didn't want that details.
I don't know how to cope with this.. her instagram is still on, and I saw a meme she send me last year. The meme said ''When you write to your best friend and they don't answer in hours: Sorry for bothering you with my friendship''
Sorry for bothering, you, with my friendship... It just hurts so much. I dream about her, and in my dream she had long flat ironed hair, and I told her, dont damage your hair.
Any advice? I told all of this to my sister(my only actual friend if you can call it that) and while she was somehow supportive she said that a long time has passed already and that I shouldn't drag my ''grief''.
I don't want to involve in self pity. She died. SHE is the one who suffered, and I wasn't even there for her. I can't begin to imagine what one can think before throwing off a window. I've attempted at suicide myself before I had my son, but... this, just knowing the extreme height, you just now it's done for. I... I'm just in so much pain and no one in my family care to see me as someone hurting. I think I just exhausted them with my mental health...
Well, this was something quite hard to write. Sorry for the length... And please, somebody give me any advice...?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

I'm so sorry. Look, if you are harboring any guilt over this, please don't. For one thing, the thing that stood out to me is she was not a loyal friend and kind of used you. Like you say, she wanted to be popular, and she wasn't very appreciative of you because of that. She had problems. Problems there's no way you could have fixed. She came from a bad household, and that's why she had problems. You were a soft shoulder for her until she more or less discarded you. Because of her upbringing, she may possibly have simply not had any empathy, because that often comes from neglect and abuse at home growing up. The fact she was callous about you tells me she sure didn't have very much. 

And of course she was miserable. In addition to all that, it's possible she had some mental disorder that had never been diagnosed. Some of them are hereditary, and her mother certainly seems like a mess. 

Anyway, none of these things are anything you had any power over. You had good intentions. That's all anyone can do with problems this big. 

You need to let that guilt go. It belongs with her mother and maybe father. Not you.


----------



## lucyruiz1875

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm so sorry. Look, if you are harboring any guilt over this, please don't. For one thing, the thing that stood out to me is she was not a loyal friend and kind of used you. Like you say, she wanted to be popular, and she wasn't very appreciative of you because of that. She had problems. Problems there's no way you could have fixed. She came from a bad household, and that's why she had problems. You were a soft shoulder for her until she more or less discarded you. Because of her upbringing, she may possibly have simply not had any empathy, because that often comes from neglect and abuse at home growing up. The fact she was callous about you tells me she sure didn't have very much.
> 
> And of course she was miserable. In addition to all that, it's possible she had some mental disorder that had never been diagnosed. Some of them are hereditary, and her mother certainly seems like a mess.
> 
> Anyway, none of these things are anything you had any power over. You had good intentions. That's all anyone can do with problems this big.
> 
> You need to let that guilt go. It belongs with her mother and maybe father. Not you.


Thank you... I'm actually really guilty, I know I shouldn't. I also don't know how to cope with this. My grandmother died last month and I haven't even cried for her yet because I think my emotional part is stuck with Nadia. I sometimes wonder if I could go to her grave... to say goodbye... but I don't believe in afterlife, nor in God... but then again I wonder if I should go to mass. I dont know why always when I think about how can I get through this, my mind gives an ''action'' kind of solution. Like, DO something. Write her uncle. Go to church. Go to her grave. But I don't know if its the right call?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

lucyruiz1875 said:


> Thank you... I'm actually really guilty, I know I shouldn't. I also don't know how to cope with this. My grandmother died last month and I haven't even cried for her yet because I think my emotional part is stuck with Nadia. I sometimes wonder if I could go to her grave... to say goodbye... but I don't believe in afterlife, nor in God... but then again I wonder if I should go to mass. I dont know why always when I think about how can I get through this, my mind gives an ''action'' kind of solution. Like, DO something. Write her uncle. Go to church. Go to her grave. But I don't know if its the right call?


You're needing to express your grief so that you can have some closure on both of these things. It's okay to do it in whatever way feels natural to you. You know I don't usually cry at funerals, but I have my time of goodbye driving home long distance usually. Try to remember any happy times as a tribute to both of them. 

If you think you might get any benefit by going to mass or by talking to someone at the church and just letting it all out, that might be comforting for you too.


----------



## Diana7

When a person commits suicude those left behind nearly always feel guilty and blame themselves in some way. It sounds as if she had lots of issues and hurt, a lot caused by her dad's abandonment and mother's hate and rejection no doubt.
I am sure the time you were friends with her was precious to her, please don't blame yourself.


----------

