# I guess everything starts here....



## Tristan (Mar 3, 2011)

*I guess everything starts here....***Update!!*

I'm really kinda bummed and was hoping to connect with other people out there that have been through the same thing and hopefully get some tips, pointers, and encouragement along the way. I haven't filed yet but I am having consultations with lawyers. 

I have explored all options possible to try to keep my marriage together for the sake of my 2 young boys, but to no avail. To make a long story short my wife, after 4 years of being a mother of two, decided she doesn't want the lifestyle or responsibility of being a mother or wife anymore. 

Over the last 6 months I have made so many sacrifices to raise my young boys and work full time to support the family in hopes she would figure it out and shape up, unfortunately quite the opposite has happened and she has gone completely Britanny Spears on me. In addition to the eratic behavior I believe she is having multiple affairs (yeah all the signs are there, I just haven't unlocked her phone or hired a PI). 

To me it sounds like she needed help, it took me 3 weeks to convince her to seek couples therapy from a professional...as luck would have it that was a terrible decision (please inquire, there should be a disclaimer for psycho therapist that if you get a bad one, your efforts can become detrimental to your situation, not to mention what it does to your pockets). 

So here I am, the only thing keeping me from filing is thinking of my kids......how it will effect their lives. Will they resent me? Will my wife get custody and put them in danger? My children are 2 and 4 and I love them with every beat of my heart and cannot imagine breaking up their lives. I feel I have no other options. 

Thanks for reading.....I'm just really at my ropes end and need to talk to neautral people about my situation.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would try a new MC and see if that helps things. You also vowed for better or worse, and thats what kept me there when my wife was 99% detached and saying she was leaving and didn't see a future with me. You owe it to the kids to keep trying.

Please say more about what happened in counseling.

There is always hope when there is love. It might take separation. 

I was at my ropes end at least a ten times. I sometimes wished I would just die over having to deal with it. My story is in my profile. We are very happy now.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Tristan said:


> (please inquire, there should be a disclaimer for psycho therapist that if you get a bad one, your efforts can become detrimental to your situation, not to mention what it does to your pockets).


Very very true. Sorry you had to figure that out the hard way like I did too.



Tristan said:


> So here I am, the only thing keeping me from filing is thinking of my kids......how it will effect their lives. Will they resent me? Will my wife get custody and put them in danger?


I would like to counter with questions to you: How will it affect their lives if you DON'T get a divorce? Will they resent you for being a miserable, unhappy, resentful husband to their mom (which will likely spill over to your parenting)? Could you fight to get custody to ensure their safety from their reckless (?) mother?

If she is really truly being reckless as I've guessed above, and you really truly don't want to be with her, then leave the kids out of the evaluation. Just do it, and everything will fall into place for the kids. If you aren't happy, they won't be happy. As a child product of divorce in my own family, I can look back and be without-question-thankful that my parents got divorced. Sometimes, it's just better that way. My parents are both good people, but they aren't good people when they're together. 

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

anx said:


> There is always hope when there is love.


Tristan, do you think she still loves you? Does she show any signs of wanting to try to make it work still?


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## Tristan (Mar 3, 2011)

Confused-Wife said:


> Tristan, do you think she still loves you? Does she show any signs of wanting to try to make it work still?


Thanks for the advice, I read your previous post and it helps soothe the burn a little about the kids. 

She does show some signs, but they are always short lived. I know when she puts on her face for the kids, it's just a show. She takes my money, then takes them out and buys them just about everything they want. Then its XOxoxoXO love ya kids, gotta go out (bar hoping or to her social gatherings). My children have a lot of seperation anxiety with her because I feel as if they don't know if she's coming back. I work strange hours and travel, so I have to bring my children to my parents house (they are both retired, not my kids but the GP's  where they might stay there weeks at a time. My boys, when staying at "Grandma/Grandpa's" can spend weeks at a time there without even a single call from their mother, more or a less a visit from her when we live less than 30 miles from them.

I can get into the greater detail about my wifes behavior...specifically about her addictions, affairs, and negligence but I don't feel like writing a book. I am just trying to accept the situation for what it is and move on with my life and raise my kids to the best of my ability. 

I know there is almost no reconciling the situation after I have exhausted just about every option in hopes to keeping it together. Sometimes I think I might be afraid of the pain, anxiety, heartbreak, but it is inevetible and I have to deal with it as some point. I guess my purpose for posting originally is how does everyone cope with a divorce with children? It seems like a pretty tough road for me and my children, so I can use all the advice I can get.


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## Tristan (Mar 3, 2011)

anx said:


> I would try a new MC and see if that helps things. You also vowed for better or worse, and thats what kept me there when my wife was 99% detached and saying she was leaving and didn't see a future with me. You owe it to the kids to keep trying.
> 
> Please say more about what happened in counseling.
> 
> ...


Anx,
Thanks for your post and I read your story. I am very happy you worked things out and are able to continue your lives together.
When you said ".....You also vowed for better or worse, and thats what kept me there when my wife was 99% detached and saying she was leaving and didn't see a future with me." To me that's a two way street and honestly you deserve better.


I read your story and I could see that your in a pretty young relationship and I can relate to a lot of what you were going through. I know not every relationship is the same but I think your wife might have unrealistic expectations of you...and they are only going to keep growing and growing until there it is not humanly possible to fullfil her needs....or to fill her personal "void". If she wants another seperation sometime in the future, please don't blame yourself and try to get a different perspective.


I sincerely wish you and your wife the best, but if you fall on hard times again with your wife please remember.......even though our hearts and soul are in the right place, sometimes no matter what we do we can't save someone that does not want to be saved.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can fight this so educate your self and read up. You are so worried about her and the kids it is effecting your thinking. So now that you have a lawyer, you can start to protect your kids and your self. So think and do the thing that will require you to come out ahead in this crap. 

Do not sit by thinking you can't control her...you can't, but you can control some of the out comes that will benifit you. So do the foot work, your kids are depending on you.

Are you writing down the comings and goings of your W? Track her time...when she leaves and when she comes home..write it down. Even though you might be in a no fault state it will hold some weight to other... like he parents and siblings

Do not leave the home, as soon as your out the door the OM will be in bed with your wife and eating breakfast with your boys. So no matter what stay in the home. If it gets bad you can pack her stuff up and drop it off at the IL or friends

1st step;
I suggest you hire a PI or get some evidence of infidelity, that will give you some weight when it come to your inlaws and others in why the marraige is failing. See, she will re write history, make you look like the bad guy and BAMB your seeing your boys 50% of the time.

So get your self protected and gather the evidence that will make her look like the bad guy. This is so important. It is a must b/c soon you will need to expose this and get the ammunition in not only fighting for your kids but you want to fight for your wife. Once you bring her "behavior" to light, the perseption others have of her will go straight to hell. 

So go stealth and quitely investigate her. The painful info will help in fighting for your kids and maybe even your wife.

Stop talking to her and show some strenght in that you are not lost or confussed. Show her your confident in getting your boys and leaving her on the street, just don't tell her. If your sly enough you can get both back if you want. There are steps that you can follow at Affaircare.


The exposure will not only make her behavior look bad but it will make it more inconvienent for it to carring on the way she is. So please gather the ugly and painful truth. You may be surprised in once you confront her with some copies of pictures and text messages she may see the errors of her was. If not then you expose it to her family, the OM's family and everbody else.

There is alot more to look at in protecting and healing your self so read, read, read,


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

oh my-why is it that people think you have to go overboard when getting a divorce? Tristan- this sounds like a really hard situation. I think you are on the right track with make sure your kids are ok. I think the point is that you are going to have to be your kids' rock right now-they will still need to see their mom (as they would have to see their dad in a reversed situation) unfortunalty its going to be a very hard road for you, especially if you have the kids and them being so small. Just make sure you are there for them-maybe (and i say this very hesitantly) think of taking a job closer to home. your kids need someone to rely on and their problems will be (again i say hesitantly) less if they have you there, showing them that you can get through this and having you there to make their turbulent lives normal. Im sorry but your in for a rollercoster for a while but if you keep your focus on your kids, it should straighten out eventually. Maybe try to take the kids out to do fun things with you, start making routine with just you. In the end if you are there for your kids they will come out better for it. i hope something in there helps. you are doing the hard part right now, good luck.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Tristan said:


> It seems like a pretty tough road for me and my children, so I can use all the advice I can get.


It'll only be tough for a little while. Imagine how wonderful life could be once it's all over though.


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## Tristan (Mar 3, 2011)

the guy said:


> *You can fight this so educate your self and read up. You are so worried about her and the kids it is effecting your thinking. So now that you have a lawyer, you can start to protect your kids and your self. So think and do the thing that will require you to come out ahead in this crap.
> 
> Do not sit by thinking you can't control her...you can't, but you can control some of the out comes that will benifit you. So do the foot work, your kids are depending on you.
> 
> Are you writing down the comings and goings of your W? Track her time...when she leaves and when she comes home..write it down. Even though you might be in a no fault state it will hold some weight to other... like he parents and siblings*


Excellent advice and I have been doing exactly that! I started documenting her comings/goings/blackouts etc around the same time we started professional couples psychotherapy. Enter the bad therapist. The therapist scolded me infront of her for writing down her "comings and goings" BEFORE I had even got to say what they were and he didn't want me to even say them in session! He said that it was "bad" for our relationship and I should'nt keep tabs on her....and this is a guy I paid $150.00 bucks an hour and doesn't take insurance. I have accumulated some pretty great indisputable evidence already, videos of her being too intoxicated to care for her children to text messages expicitly planning affairs...this is what led me to the therapist in the first place. I have done it all already and exhausted all of my options. I haven't hired the PI because I already know what is going on...its just a matter of formality and resources at this point. 



> Do not leave the home, as soon as your out the door the OM will be in bed with your wife and eating breakfast with your boys. So no matter what stay in the home. If it gets bad you can pack her stuff up and drop it off at the IL or friends


Yup, don't leave home much unless I have to because of the nature of my work where she has free reign of the house for sometimes weeks...I'm already acclimated to the possibility of the OM or OW being in my bed....I have acquired some nanny cams and a citrix connection to my home computer recently....it would be interesting to see what happens on my next business trip  Is that too low of a blow?



1st step;
I suggest you hire a PI or get some evidence of infidelity, that will give you some weight when it come to your inlaws and others in why the marraige is failing. See, she will re write history, make you look like the bad guy and BAMB your seeing your boys 50% of the time.

*She already does this and has been doing this for some time now. People are constantly posting on her facebook page she "needs" to leave me because "I'm a worthless waste of space" and she deserves better. It's fine because these people have never met me before and I have no idea who they are, but apparently they already have a very strong opinion of me. These are almost exclusively her pier base.....people who are single, party, or are married and have regular affiars and party all the time.*

So get your self protected and gather the evidence that will make her look like the bad guy. This is so important. It is a must b/c soon you will need to expose this and get the ammunition in not only fighting for your kids but you want to fight for your wife. Once you bring her "behavior" to light, the perseption others have of her will go straight to hell. 

So go stealth and quitely investigate her. The painful info will help in fighting for your kids and maybe even your wife.

Stop talking to her and show some strenght in that you are not lost or confussed. Show her your confident in getting your boys and leaving her on the street, just don't tell her. If your sly enough you can get both back if you want. There are steps that you can follow at Affaircare.


The exposure will not only make her behavior look bad but it will make it more inconvienent for it to carring on the way she is. So please gather the ugly and painful truth. You may be surprised in once you confront her with some copies of pictures and text messages she may see the errors of her was. If not then you expose it to her family, the OM's family and everbody else.

There is alot more to look at in protecting and healing your self so read, read, read,[/QUOTE]

* I feel like I could talk forever on this but in a nutshell I have some preliminary evidence but even though she is doing what she is doing I don't intend to exploit her for her shortcomings to her peirs. Even though she talks badly about me to everyone she interacts with to sub conciously justify her actions, I will not make talk bad about her in public, or to her peirs behind her back even though she throws me infront of the bus every single chance she gets. Obviosuly in court that would be a different story.... *


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## Tristan (Mar 3, 2011)

e.dawne said:


> oh my-why is it that people think you have to go overboard when getting a divorce? Tristan- this sounds like a really hard situation. I think you are on the right track with make sure your kids are ok. I think the point is that you are going to have to be your kids' rock right now-they will still need to see their mom (as they would have to see their dad in a reversed situation) unfortunalty its going to be a very hard road for you, especially if you have the kids and them being so small. Just make sure you are there for them-maybe (and i say this very hesitantly) think of taking a job closer to home. your kids need someone to rely on and their problems will be (again i say hesitantly) less if they have you there, showing them that you can get through this and having you there to make their turbulent lives normal. Im sorry but your in for a rollercoster for a while but if you keep your focus on your kids, it should straighten out eventually. Maybe try to take the kids out to do fun things with you, start making routine with just you. In the end if you are there for your kids they will come out better for it. i hope something in there helps. you are doing the hard part right now, good luck.


Thanks for your response. I want nothing more than to spend more time with my boys and try to make the situation on them as easy as possible. Currently, I am spending a lot more time with them than their mother and we have fun....but they still miss their mother and ask where she is or when they might be seeing her often...it kind of breaks my heart to not be able to give them an answer.


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## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

I wanted to tell you from my personal experience as a child. My father was a severe alcoholic and damaged much of what should of been a normal childhood for me, but then again what is a normal childhood right? My parents were both damaged in their own ways as are we all but I did know this and at a young age (13). The day my mom left my father that if I stuck with him any chance of living something normal was not going to happen under his roof. I may not yet had a full range of knowledge on addiction or normal behavior but I did know that my dad could not successfully raise me.

I am glad you are taking the high road and seeing to your children's needs. Your (I hesitate to even call her this) spouse is exposing her own foolishness, she is washing away the life she has. I hate to say this but buddy she prefers her life the way it is right now, no matter how much it makes no sense to anyone else or maybe even you. I am not saying you are a failure but she has decided on the current life she is chasing and the only person who can take her off that is her. You have to decide if you can tolerate it or not. Whatever you decide you have a good support team in life just remember to utilize it.


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## Tristan (Mar 3, 2011)

Ok, so I have a prescheduled meeting with the lawyer tomorrow, BUT, there has been some new developments.... give me your un biased input because my imagination might just be running circles around me.

To fill you in, she wants me to leave MY house and take the kids away from the house for a week while she stays there alone. She says after the week everything should be "OK" with our relationship and I can come back.....:scratchhead: uh....something is very wrong here. My intuition meter is off the carts, not to mention I was advised that if I did "get up and leave with the kids" I could be cited for abandonment even if it was her that wants me to leave.

Anyway I've got a lawyer meeting tomorrow (that she doesn't know about...shhh) so I thought I'd be nice and take her to dinner tonight and enquire honestly about her relationship/family status and hopefully reconcile (even though I knew it was futile, I was rooting for her to turn around on the last chance, but to no avail). Basically she insists on have a mandatory 1 week break, and that I take the kids with me away from the house where she will stay alone, no negotiating. Another interesting peice of information I got out of her is that she has missed 2 periods  There is NO way she missed her periods because of me, now I think I know why she wants me and the kids out of the house for a week. I know there will be some haters for letting this hang out there but I am pro-life.

Now has my imagination got the best of me? I don't know, I have learned to trust my intuition and be true to my feelings. What do you think?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

No idea. This is weird. One week to file, change the locks, get a restraining order and president for you leaving the house and kids?


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## canidothis (Mar 21, 2011)

I wanted to share my husbands story of his childhood. His parents seemed normal..married..dad worked. .mom stayed home with kids. Between the ages of 10-12 (my husband) his parents basically fell apart. His sister was 5 and his brother was just a baby. His mom had gotten a part time job somewhere and she had started hanging out with people. .let's just say they weren't good for her. His dad noticed her "working" more hours but no extra pay. She would come and go as she pleased. She would bring strange people to the house and during the day she would take the kids to people's houses the kids had never met. Come to find out she had become a meth-head. Once his dad had found out..he tried helping her. She was taking money they needed for the family. . she wasn't taking care of the kids. She wouldn't accept his help. . which he suggested rehab and counseling. She ended up clearing out their bank account. On the day she left...she was packing and my husband went in to ask her what was wrong and where she was going and she told him..F off I am leaving. From that day on, his father supported all 3 kids by himself. Well, he had my husbands help. They struggled a lot. . my husband had to grow up faster than ever expected. But they are so close and so strong. It's gonna be really tough for you guys but you'll get through it. You have to think about your kids. Yes, it is going to hurt them knowing that she is out of their lives but they will understand why and what happened. Maybe not now (I'm not sure of their ages) but they will. They will realize you were only doing the right thing for them. They need stability and strength which your wife is clearly not showing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> Are you writing down the comings and goings of your W? Track her time...when she leaves and when she comes home..write it down. Even though you might be in a no fault state it will hold some weight to other... like he parents and siblings
> 
> Do not leave the home, as soon as your out the door the OM will be in bed with your wife and eating breakfast with your boys. So no matter what stay in the home. If it gets bad you can pack her stuff up and drop it off at the IL or friends
> 
> ...


ITA. Find out if ther eis an affair (s).


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Tristan said:


> To fill you in, she wants me to leave MY house and take the kids away from the house for a week while she stays there alone. She says after the week everything should be "OK" with our relationship and I can come back.....:scratchhead: uh....something is very wrong here.


Why do you want to accommodate her on this? She is the one messing up, she should be the one jumping through hoops, IMO. She is telling you: 'if you give me a week, I'll work on us'.

Also, be careful this is not trying to trick you into something that she can use in the divorce. Like you took the kids from their home.

There is no reason why you should leave your house, and even less to affect your kids routine.





Tristan said:


> Another interesting peice of information I got out of her is that she has missed 2 periods  There is NO way she missed her periods because of me, now I think I know why she wants me and the kids out of the house for a week. I know there will be some haters for letting this hang out there but I am pro-life.
> 
> Now has my imagination got the best of me? I don't know, I have learned to trust my intuition and be true to my feelings. What do you think?


This sounds very likely, she got pregnant, is going to get an abortion, and wants you out for a week so you dont find out while she recovers.


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