# Caught wife online. What to do?



## howdydoody (Aug 2, 2011)

Hi All, It began a year ago when I returned home from work earlier than usual. The laptop screen was open and there was a message from some guy on a Plentyoffish website. To make a long story short I asked her about what was going on and she dismissed it by saying it was some of her friends at work who wanted to check on their husbands. Whatever it was I bought it hook, line and sinker. However my suspicions were aroused and I put a keylogger program on the laptop. Suffice to say it was deeper than the excuse she gave me. A month later I took my kids on vacation and found out she was setting up meeting points with guys from this website. On returning I checked her GPS and found she had driven 50 miles to see some guy at a Restaurant. On telling her she flat out denied it saying she had gone to eat sushi! However I had the keylog accounts and she admitted to seeing some guy and says it didn't go any further. 
Now about this lady, she doesn't dress fancy or provocatively. She is very solid and I believe she has good moral values. There is a 3 year age difference between us and she wrote in her emails that she had been faithful in her 15 year marriage but wanted to experience the touch of a different man!
Now about me, I was quite shocked at all this and I did not lose my temper with her once although I did refer to her with some choice words. In our entire marriage the strongest word I have used against her may have been 'stupid"! I'm pretty laid back and it takes a lot for me to fly off the handle but in this situation I was calm, shell shocked, betrayed, and maybe amazed.
She told me that she would never do it again , but it kinda knocked the wind out of me and I didn't want to sleep in the same room as her. 
A month later she went on a vacation with the kids I met a lady from her workplace and one thing led to another and I had a physical relationship with this divorced woman. The affair lasted maybe 3 weeks and my wife found out from checking my phone logs and my phone itself that the lady had been sending me pictures and texts.
There was an emotional drama ( I hate emotional confrontations) and it all came down to why I chose a lady from her place of work and not lady from another town!
It's been 6 months since this event. I don't think she has been online and is quite a devoted mother. However I don't care and am not spying on her so I wouldn't know any better. I am not having an affair at the present moment and I don't think I will --
I do not sleep with my wife anymore and do not have any form of love for her. I respect her for being the mother of my kids. However nothing she says or implies no matter how negative evokes an emotional response from me. I guess if you loved someone you would care about them but I feel no emotion towards her. Maybe bitterness for her having destroyed a 15 year relationship. I cannot reconcile myself with the betrayal and forgiveness is out of the question. There is no animosity towards her and I still talk to her but as one would to a good friend. The advice I am seeking from you all is what does one do in a situation like this? I'm like in the next 6 years my kid goes out the door for college is the day I follow him out the same door!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WOW, the hurt and betrayal you felt when you caught your wife cheating on you...and BAMB you you do the same thing back. Now your kid gets to grow up in a unloving house hold...nice roll models.

Fix your marriage or get the hell out now. Why teach your kid how to not love, when you can find someone you do love and give him a healthy example of what a healthy relationship should be?

Your inablity to confront will surly rub off on your boy, so for the sake of your child either work it out or leave now. Go and atleast make an effort in having a better marriage for your son. Knock this sh~t off and get with your chick and figure it out. I think its BS...the both of you took a vow and now the both of you are throwing them away for both of your selfishness. Both of you are screwing up big time. Both of you need to pull you heads out of your @ss and get some help. Both of you brought this kid into this world and the both of you need to give him a healthy example on what a marriage should be...not one of convienence.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

howdydoody said:


> I do not sleep with my wife anymore and do not have any form of love for her. I respect her for being the mother of my kids. However nothing she says or implies no matter how negative evokes an emotional response from me. I guess if you loved someone you would care about them but I feel no emotion towards her.


They say the opposite of love is indifference.

YOusay yo uare bitter at her for destroying your 15 year marriage but you cheate don her as well with her colleague. 

So you're not in "even grounding" so to speak. Don't fault her with the demise of your marriage when you did the same thing she did--cheat.

Either fix your marriage or get out. Those are the two options. 

In the future, don't fight fire with fire. As you can see, the results end in total disaster and don't fix the intital problem.


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## howdydoody (Aug 2, 2011)

the guy said:


> WOW, the hurt and betrayal you felt when you caught your wife cheating on you...and BAMB you you do the same thing back. Now your kid gets to grow up in a unloving house hold...nice roll models.
> 
> Fix your marriage or get the hell out now. Why teach your kid how to not love, when you can find someone you do love and give him a healthy example of what a healthy relationship should be?
> 
> Your inablity to confront will surly rub off on your boy, so for the sake of your child either work it out or leave now. Go and atleast make an effort in having a better marriage for your son. Knock this sh~t off and get with your chick and figure it out. I think its BS...the both of you took a vow and now the both of you are throwing them away for both of your selfishness. Both of you are screwing up big time. Both of you need to pull you heads out of your @ss and get some help. Both of you brought this kid into this world and the both of you need to give him a healthy example on what a marriage should be...not one of convienence.


You are absolutely right - I did exactly the same thing. To actually put it in perspective, I went to the same website she was on, found a woman and went out and found myself disgusted. ( I wanted to see what it feels like!) I had never cheated on my wife and the very act left a sour taste in my mouth. Why I went with her co-worker - Well I was seeking answers and I hadn't planned it to end that way but it did. 
The marriage is beyond repair because of the trust issue. Getting out - I have given that thought but stay in it for the sake of both the kids. On a side note we never argue in front of the kids and Like I said I show her full respect.
I'm not ready for another relationship and I know I should pull my head out of my a** but it's so much easier, not to have to put up with all the crying and emotional crap that is dished out. She says she still loves me - go figure! 
Would it not be a better idea to just wait and see when she broaches the subject _ it's already been 6 Months and I don't mind the wait. 
The kids are priority one and that's why I'm still in it.


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## howdydoody (Aug 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> They say the opposite of love is indifference.
> 
> YOusay yo uare bitter at her for destroying your 15 year marriage but you cheate don her as well with her colleague.
> 
> ...


Love is for women! Men are configured different. "Bitter" - maybe trust violated would be a better description. The words change as reality sets in. The ground or foundation was based on feathers and yep one poof and it's all gone. When the affair happened my feelings for her were non existent. I had feeling for the other woman - not sure. Instead of the 2 options given whats wrong with a 3rd - status quo.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

howdydoody said:


> Hi All, It began a year ago when I returned home from work earlier than usual. The laptop screen was open and there was a message from some guy on a Plentyoffish website. To make a long story short I asked her about what was going on and she dismissed it by saying it was some of her friends at work who wanted to check on their husbands. Whatever it was I bought it hook, line and sinker. However my suspicions were aroused and I put a keylogger program on the laptop. Suffice to say it was deeper than the excuse she gave me. A month later I took my kids on vacation and found out she was setting up meeting points with guys from this website. On returning I checked her GPS and found she had driven 50 miles to see some guy at a Restaurant. On telling her she flat out denied it saying she had gone to eat sushi! However I had the keylog accounts and she admitted to seeing some guy and says it didn't go any further.
> Now about this lady, she doesn't dress fancy or provocatively. *She is very solid and I believe she has good moral values. There is a 3 year age difference between us and she wrote in her emails that she had been faithful in her 15 year marriage but wanted to experience the touch of a different man!*
> Now about me, I was quite shocked at all this and I did not lose my temper with her once although I did refer to her with some choice words. In our entire marriage the strongest word I have used against her may have been 'stupid"! I'm pretty laid back and it takes a lot for me to fly off the handle but in this situation I was calm, shell shocked, betrayed, and maybe amazed.
> She told me that she would never do it again , but it kinda knocked the wind out of me and I didn't want to sleep in the same room as her.
> ...


She was not solid and did not have good moral values if she acted this out. Sorry they are mutually exclusive. She showed no remorse. As far as her being faithful during the times you did not catch her .... who knows? You do the math.

I do not condone what you did either, but she already destroyed the marriage. You should have just divorced her IMHO.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Status quo teaches your kids that its ok to treat your spouse with indifference and its not.
My thing here is the example you are showing your kids when the both of you show no affection for each other infront of them.

Let me put it this way, my parents unhealthy marraige taught me well. {the guy with the cheating wife} Aug '10


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## howdydoody (Aug 2, 2011)

the guy said:


> Status quo teaches your kids that its ok to treat your spouse with indifference and its not.
> My thing here is the example you are showing your kids when the both of you show no affection for each other infront of them.
> 
> Let me put it this way, my parents unhealthy marraige taught me well. {the guy with the cheating wife} Aug '10


Hmmm The guy with the cheating wife aug 10 wow its pretty much where i'm at! thnx/ going to think about this!


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

so does your wife show any commitment to the marriage? has she shown any signs of wanting to stop?

others here are right - children learn a lot of things we don't teach them on purpose, and staying in a loveless marriage teaches them that love and marriage are not to be respected, and that neither of you are worth being loved. they will have trouble with that when they start dating, and they won't be able to take your advice. You lose your credibility.


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