# Just found out husband cheated while engaged...so confused on what to do!



## vsaddict3 (Jul 21, 2011)

My husband and I have dated for 6 years and married for 2. He just recently told me after my pap smear test came back abnormal that I might have HPV because he cheated on me once while in college. We were engaged at the time and a few months away from our wedding. He didn't tell me before because he thought I would leave him. We were long distance for 5 years during college and during that time he went to a party and got extremely drunk. He went through a short stage where he was scared that he was missing out. We were each others firsts and I too had those feelings before marriage, but I didn't cheat. He said that he initiated the sex, but quit after a few minutes because of the guilt. They both were in relationships and realized it was a mistake.
That happened about 2 1/2 years ago, and just finding out now is absolutely horrifying. We have always had a great relationship and this news has really hit me hard. We have both been sick to our stomachs for days. He wanted to go to marriage counseling. I agreed, but I told him that I couldn't make any promises that I will want to stay together. We have gone once since and have two more appointments scheduled. I truly believe that he deeply regrets what he did. Our marriage has been so great for the last 2 years....should we try to work on it? I fear that I will never forget about it. I know that being long distance and in your early 20's can be really tough and I know that it has really affected him and he's feeling awful. Because we do get along so well and are pretty much soul mates I really want to work at it, but every once in a while during the day when I think about him having sex with another girl just makes me sick to my stomach, even if they didn't finish. The test did end up being negative for HPV, but it still hurts. Has anyone else had someone cheat and have things work out? It just makes me so mad that he could hide this until he was basically caught. I asked if anything else has happened so we can just put it all out there and he told me that he went to a strip club for his bachelor party. Not a huge deal, but I never had a party and I asked him politely if he would not go to one out of respect for my wishes. Turns out his buddies all wanted to go and he succumbed to peer pressure. Now I find out two huge things that I never knew about him before so it's hard for me to see him the same right now. I have no idea what to do, we are so important to each other. Thanks


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vsaddict3 said:


> Our marriage has been so great for the last 2 years....should we try to work on it?
> 
> I fear that I will never forget about it.


1. Only you two can decide whether you "should work on it."

2. I can promise you -- you won't ever forget.


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## tofuhater (Jul 10, 2011)

You will never forget. Might be able to work out if u both want it.

My story is similar although I found out about one affair before wedding and one after our wedding after we had kids. 

10 years later I'm still feeling the hurt. Not sure what advice I would give you as I am still trying to figure it out myself.

If I had known before we had kids - I would have divorced !


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm working on getting past infidelity too. No matter what, it's a hard road to travel. Your relationship will never be the same, but it's possible it can be more open, real, and honest. Our MC says everyone has a reptilian brain that is like the dark underbelly of our thoughts. Exposing that side of ourselves to another is a way to become closer. It's scary to let someone see the ugly side of yourself, especially when you don't want to see it either. It's a taste of reality that people like to pretend doesn't exist, but no one is perfect and we all screw up. Some more than others, but we all do.

Your H needs to make sure he's totally truthful now if you want to rebuild. If he did "finish" and told you he didn't to sugar coat the truth, tell him to fess up now. If he carried on with her for a few weeks, it's best to get it all on the table. If you can forgive him, let it be for everything, so he can clear his conscience. He'll feel stronger for coming clean. Hopefully there's nothing more, but it's important he's not trickle truthing or sugar coating what happened. Cheaters usually start off confessing the bare minimum in order to lesson our pain and improve their chances of forgiveness. But to rebuild trust, you need to know he's not holding back to spare you.

I think some people can get past infidelity, but I admit it's my kids that kept me around at first. Now I'm glad we're trying, because we're both learning from my H's bad decisions. Hopefully now that he's seen the devastation infidelity can cause, he will never want to see it again. Do I love him enough to live with the pain forever? It's quite possible I do, but only if he continues to be transparent and honest with me. No more screw ups, because I will not attempt forgiveness again if he can't learn from this experience.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it's so painful no matter the circumstances. You'll be on the roller coaster of emotions for awhile, totally normal. One minute you'll be thinking you can do this, the next you'll want to start over. All you can do is keep moving forward and take it day by day.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

Only you can choose if you want to forgive him. 

I believe that you cannot fully heal without forgiving, but you cannot fully forgive without healing. That does hand in hand, baby steps on both fronts with time.

Do you genuinely believe that he has not otherwise misacted? Is there anything you could imagine asking of him that would be a good indicator to you that he is truly remoseful, and would bend over backwards to provide you with everything he can to help you heal?

Divorce itself is hugely painful and people never forget that either.
You need to decide for yourself, which scars would hurt more 10 years from now:
- the cheating (if you hold it over his head long-term it would seriously damage your relationship)
- the split from a man who by your accounts treats you right and lovingly and had the honesty to admit something truly horrible he did.


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## vsaddict3 (Jul 21, 2011)

I know he wants to try and I really doubt anything else has happend as far as cheating goes. We are always together besides work and we almost always go out with each other when we do go out (which is rare bc we are always tired) because we have the same friends. I can't help but also feel jealousy though. We were each others firsts and now he has another girl to add besides me even though he regretted it enough to stop halfway through. I told him that it wasn't fair because I had always been faithful even in college. So he told me the other night to cheat on him once if that's what it takes for me to stay with him and help me heal. But cheating is out of the qustion for me. I would never do that to get back at someone even though he messed up. He knows that he lost my trust. I've told people about my situation and they always say "well it was before marriage" but I really just see marriage as a piece of paper, especially when you have been together 5 years prior. The funny thing is that he was the one pushing to get married. I would have waited a year till he was finished with school. He wanted to be married and living with me so badly, but then a few months before he finally would get what he wanted he scews up. I just don't know if I can get past one drunken night of a huge mistake. I asked him why her and he said that it would have been anyone at the time because he was in the situation of being left alone with another girl and because of how bad he was feeling he was missing out. I know he always tried to get me to come and visit him on the weekends, so I don't know if he was just mad that I didn't come and missed me or what. I know he will be devastated if I leave.


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## Theoillampjenya (Apr 17, 2020)

vsaddict3 said:


> My husband and I have dated for 6 years and married for 2. He just recently told me after my pap smear test came back abnormal that I might have HPV because he cheated on me once while in college. We were engaged at the time and a few months away from our wedding. He didn't tell me before because he thought I would leave him. We were long distance for 5 years during college and during that time he went to a party and got extremely drunk. He went through a short stage where he was scared that he was missing out. We were each others firsts and I too had those feelings before marriage, but I didn't cheat. He said that he initiated the sex, but quit after a few minutes because of the guilt. They both were in relationships and realized it was a mistake.
> That happened about 2 1/2 years ago, and just finding out now is absolutely horrifying. We have always had a great relationship and this news has really hit me hard. We have both been sick to our stomachs for days. He wanted to go to marriage counseling. I agreed, but I told him that I couldn't make any promises that I will want to stay together. We have gone once since and have two more appointments scheduled. I truly believe that he deeply regrets what he did. Our marriage has been so great for the last 2 years....should we try to work on it? I fear that I will never forget about it. I know that being long distance and in your early 20's can be really tough and I know that it has really affected him and he's feeling awful. Because we do get along so well and are pretty much soul mates I really want to work at it, but every once in a while during the day when I think about him having sex with another girl just makes me sick to my stomach, even if they didn't finish. The test did end up being negative for HPV, but it still hurts. Has anyone else had someone cheat and have things work out? It just makes me so mad that he could hide this until he was basically caught. I asked if anything else has happened so we can just put it all out there and he told me that he went to a strip club for his bachelor party. Not a huge deal, but I never had a party and I asked him politely if he would not go to one out of respect for my wishes. Turns out his buddies all wanted to go and he succumbed to peer pressure. Now I find out two huge things that I never knew about him before so it's hard for me to see him the same right now. I have no idea what to do, we are so important to each other. Thanks


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## Theoillampjenya (Apr 17, 2020)

I can see this is an old post. I broke off my engagement due to his disrespectful flirting and shady behavior. What kind of a man gets engaged then starts drooling over other woman?! Anyway I came across this post. Trying to forget is hard and honestly do you really want a man who would do something so treacherous early on in your relationship. He sounds extremely treacherous and capable of doing it again. Relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. Does that give him the right to step out again? He’s got an extreme lack of integrity and shouldn’t be trusted. Leave him if you haven’t already. Staying w a snake like that will eventually end In heartache


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

This thread is dead, don't dig it up!!

Start your new thread, or it's called thread jacking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread.


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