# No More! No Turning Back....



## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Hi everyone... here is my story. I have been married for 24 yrs, have three great kids 22, 20, 19 ... older one just graduated from UCLA and younger two in college. I left husband about 10 yrs ago... somehow in my weakness, I let him move back in about 8 years ago. But once again there is darkness here at home. Looking back, I feel he really never loved me, but needed me. Pretty much I have felt loneliness throughout the marriage, as he rarely came home before 9pm and when he did come home early, he ignored me. This time I told him that he must leave and it must be his choice with no turning back. I don't think he wants to go because he is all about image and what others think about him. I truly believe he wants me to kick him out so that he is the victim. I told him that he must think things through and make a final decision, because this time, he can not step into the house again. I must do that to protect myself and not allow him to edge his way in again. One more thing, he now is picking on the kids because they do not want to be physicians or attorneys. I'm not interested in starting any relationships, just want peace and I want the darkness at home to end. I guess I fit all the signs of an enabler. If I would let him party up as he pleases (at age 53), then he would be happier at my expense. He did have a 3yr affair during the marriage. 
What is wrong with me? And what am I afraid of? I was very happy during the two years he was out of the house. I guess because I know that this is really it, it scares me. I have known him since I was 18yrs old and its so heartbreaking to know it truly is over.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

mayatatia said:


> This time I told him that he must leave and it must be his choice with no turning back.


??


----------



## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

What I meant was that he always leaves one foot in and one foot out the door. I want him to really, really think things over and I want him to understand that this time, he must make the decision to leave instead of me telling him to leave. It sounds kind of crazy, but if he chooses to leave instead of getting the family to the point of asking him to leave, it will give me the strength to not allow him back into the house. This is how he "took breaks".... he became moody, mean, and unbearable.... either I or the kids were emotionally hurt and would ask him to leave. He always came back docile, just to repeat the pattern again. I have ignored his abusive behavior for past 4 months and he is angrier because I haven't kicked him out. This time things are different. He needs to leave, because I have realized that he really doesn't love me. This is not how you treat people you love. My son who studied psychology told me he fits the narcissist subtype. I realized that I was there to fill his needs, and not to grow as a couple.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're right, it does sound crazy. You need to take ownership of your own happiness and life. Otherwise you'll continue to be at the mercy of someone else.

Why should he leave and not come back? There's no reason for him to change his behavior because there's no ramifications to him if he doesn't.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

@PBear... you're absolutely correct. That is why I'm here, to find the strength to do what is inevitable. I'm just done with everything! It's not something I take lightly. I guess in my mind, I wanted to make sure that no stone was left unturned. I have a high tolerance which is not healthy in this situation. But this time, it feels different. Deep within me, I have always known the choice to be made, but like most enablers, believed that there was hope. Funny thing is, that I am a happy person who has no term oil with co-workers, friends and family. I am happy everywhere, except in marriage. I recall a close friend of his who became a pastor, told me 20 yrs ago that he wouldn't change. In fact, once he became a pastor, husband disowned him as a friend, as he tends to gravitate towards the "go out and party" crowd. He can't keep friends. His parent's love and acceptance has conditions and he continues the same cycle with the kids and I. Right now he is upset because my son has a girlfriend of 2yrs, (who he admits is sweet and college educated) and he disapproves of her because she is 30lbs overweight and he wants son to leave her. That is one of the major issues causing problems this time along with kids not pursuing prestigious careers, and him wanting to go out (nightclubbing) with single friends. At 53, I want to come home and not feel I'm walking on eggshells. I want to breathe deeply in my house. I want to have the air in here lighter. I want this heaviness in my chest to lift. I realize I am responsible for my happiness here at home. I deserve it and must stay strong.


----------

