# 17 year old daughter wants to live with her mom. Ex-Wife wants to continue 50/50



## Trickster

Sorry, kind of long..

We have the sweetest daughter and divorce didn't change that. While at my place, she does her own laundry, helps with dinner, cleanse and vacuums her bedroom room, and will pretty much do anything to help out, including going to the grocery store with me, especially if she wants junk food. She will even put her phone down and walk around the lake with me. She is almost and adult and I actually like having her around.

While at her mom's she doesn't have to do anything. That's another story though.

She is also at the age for a Summer job, which I think will happen soon.

For convenience, she hinted to me that she wanted to stay with her mom over the Summer. My ex works for the school district and has all Summer off. So it makes sense being that I work alot, including weekends. Her moms place is also within walking distance from friends, school, and many potential job opportunities. I also work close enough to pick her up and take her to work if necessary.

Even though she is 17, It doesn't seem right that she is alone all day at my place when her mom is off work all Summer. She continues to tell our daughter she has to come to me.

My ex-wife tells her we have to keep the court ordered 50/50 custody. Personally she is better off with me and is definitely more independent at my place. Everything is about to change though. In about a year, she will be off to college, unless her mom convinces her to stay at home and go to the community College and continue 50/50 custody in hopes to continue receiving child support.

I think most moms with fight to the bitter end for full custody. But being that I go above and beyond on child support, I can't give her much more. Now, because of Covid, my business crashed and probably pay over 30% of my income at the moment.

I don't know if my ex is trying to be fair so I have my time with my daughter or she is overwhelmed by doing everything for her and wants a break.

I just want what is best for her. I don't think she really wants to have to choose.I think it's hard for a teenager to go back and forth though, especially if they get a job and would rather hang out with their friends when they're not working.

Just not sure what to do.


----------



## minimalME

I'm confused by your court order? Maybe it's just the state you're in?

Why do you pay child support in a 50/50 situation?

And during my separation/divorce, I was told that my children were old enough to choose who they wanted to live with.

A 17 year old is certainly old enough to make this decision. It's not unreasonable. It's also not unreasonable that your ex-wife wants a break.

If it were me, I'd talk to your daughter about it (clear and direct - not hinting), and see what she has to say.


----------



## Trickster

We used legalzoom so it wasn't necessarily court ordered. I wanted to make it official so she could use my child support as income to help her get approved for a place of her own. 

I don't think ex wants her full time though.

Our daughter just doesn't want to go back and forth. She is OK whatever we want her to do.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

How far apart do you and her mother live from each other?


----------



## PieceOfSky

I’d talk to your ex (without your daughter knowing) to get a firmer understanding of your ex’s position. Feels like you are making assumptions, which may or may not be right.

Perhaps it is your ex wants freedom/isolation. Perhaps ex incorrectly assumes it is something you would not agree to and is so passive and avoidant she will not ask. Perhaps ex thinks it has money implications.

iirc, not the first time I get the sense you feel your ex is wanting to avoid time with her child. If that’s indeed what your feeling, and possibly how your wife’s avoidant/detaching personality style is playing out, then I would take great care to NOT let your daughter pick up on that vibe at this point in her life. She needs to know someone (you) loves her, loves having her around, and would selfishly seek to make that happen.

If I were you, I’d also want to understand why your daughter wants to spend more time with or at her mom’s (exploring directly with daughter rather than make assumptions). Is it guilt over your ex living otherwise alone and isolated? Is she uncomfortable around your gf? Or just the isolation from her friends when at your place?

Sounds like money is tight, but is there a way for your daughter to work out any unresolved issues via therapy?


----------



## Diana7

When you become a parent you don't usually get to have breaks so I think your wife is being unreasonable especially as it's just for the summer. I can fully understand her being fed up with always moving from one house to another. 
Does she know her mum doesn't want her there?


----------



## LosingHim

My ex and I have 50/50 custody.

We live in the same city, but even so, we’re about a 25 minute drive apart. My older kids went to school in the district HE lives in. (Long story there, but it is what it is). When the kids were younger, going back and forth was fine. Once they got older, they both expressed more interest in being here rather than his house. He would never budge on the time spent so it was always 50/50. My kids are now 20 and 17. The 20 year old is in college, but when she comes home, she stays with me. She has no interest in going to her dads and only goes out of guilt. She’s been home since the middle of April and moves back to college next week. She went to her dads last night for an hour and a half because I MADE her go before he leaves to go out of town next week. This is only the 3rd time she’s seen him in the almost 6 weeks she’s been home.


My 17 year old still goes back and forth. And being the parent that DOESN’T live in the district, it’s easier for him to be at his dads. He doesn’t drive yet so he has to be transported everywhere. (he starts drivers ed next month thankfully!!!) But all his friends live over by his dad. His school is over by his dad. His work is closer to his dad. EVERYTHING is closer to his dad. They’re done with school for the year, but he has football practice at 2:45 today so I have to drive an hour round trip to get him there and get me back home – in the middle of the work day. The field is only 4 minutes from his dads house. I give him the option to stay at his dads house for certain things when it’s a timing issue because I don’t want him to feel bounced all over the place. Even though he’d rather be HERE, sometimes with the timing involved, it’s more of a hassle then it’s worth. Like when he gets done at football at 4:30 and has to work at 5:30, it makes zero sense for him to come all the way to my house to turn around and go back to where he works 10 minutes later.


So I totally get that it would be easier for her to just be with your ex. But if she still WANTS to come to your house, I’d definitely leave that door open and just suck up the extra time and transportation. As someone with a 20 year old can tell you, they’re gone before you know it. Suck it in all you can right now.


----------



## Lila

Trickster said:


> Even though she is 17, It doesn't seem right that she is alone all day at my place when her mom is off work all Summer. She continues to tell our daughter she has to come to me.



I'm confused. 

Can your daughter get around on her own or is she dependent on you and your ex wife to get her to work and to her friends houses for visits? 

If she's looking to get a summer job then she won't be home alone at your place. She'll most likely be at work while you're a work, right? 

Is your ex wife dating or living with anyone?

We can't assume the reasons why your ex wife doesn't want your daughter to spend the entire summer living with her but she has her reasons and with shared custody, she's entitled to have every other week without her daughter.


----------



## Blondilocks

LosingHim said:


> The 20 year old is in college, but when she comes home, she stays with me. She has no interest in going to her dads and only goes out of guilt. She’s been home since the middle of April and moves back to college next week. She went to her dads last night for an hour and a half because I MADE her go before he leaves to go out of town next week.


Your daughter is 20 years old. You have no business making her do anything. Your ex made his bed by his crappy behavior with her over the years - their relationship isn't yours to control. You may feel the need to appease him; but, your daughter doesn't have to be involved in your drama.


----------



## Openminded

Did you move from where you used to be (and in with your girlfriend) or is the same as it’s been since the divorce? In other words, was she used to you being closer to where all her stuff is and now you’re not?


----------



## Livvie

minimalME said:


> I'm confused by your court order? Maybe it's just the state you're in?
> 
> Why do you pay child support in a 50/50 situation?
> 
> And during my separation/divorce, I was told that my children were old enough to choose who they wanted to live with.
> 
> A 17 year old is certainly old enough to make this decision. It's not unreasonable. It's also not unreasonable that your ex-wife wants a break.
> 
> If it were me, I'd talk to your daughter about it (clear and direct - not hinting), and see what she has to say.


In a 50/50 situation one parent can have to pay child support to the other if there's a huge discrepancy in income. There's a formula for it.


----------



## Trickster

PieceOfSky said:


> I’d talk to your ex (without your daughter knowing) to get a firmer understanding of your ex’s position. Feels like you are making assumptions, which may or may not be right.
> 
> Perhaps it is your ex wants freedom/isolation. Perhaps ex incorrectly assumes it is something you would not agree to and is so passive and avoidant she will not ask. Perhaps ex thinks it has money implications.
> 
> iirc, not the first time I get the sense you feel your ex is wanting to avoid time with her child. If that’s indeed what your feeling, and possibly how your wife’s avoidant/detaching personality style is playing out, then I would take great care to NOT let your daughter pick up on that vibe at this point in her life. She needs to know someone (you) loves her, loves having her around, and would selfishly seek to make that happen.
> 
> If I were you, I’d also want to understand why your daughter wants to spend more time with or at her mom’s (exploring directly with daughter rather than make assumptions). Is it guilt over your ex living otherwise alone and isolated? Is she uncomfortable around your gf? Or just the isolation from her friends when at your place?
> 
> Sounds like money is tight, but is there a way for your daughter to work out any unresolved issues via therapy?



Hey PieceOfSky, it good you're still around here...

I actually talked to my ex when I dropped off our dog. I have him most of the time though, but she still wants to see him on occasion. 

I don't know if our daughter has any unresolved issues. Give it some time and I'm sure something will happen. 

I am living with my gf now and she definitely likes taking vacations. For me, I think I've been traveling more than ever before. My ex has every opportunity to travel, visit family over holidays, and Summer without having to spend too much money. Maybe I do feel a little guilty because she isn't dating or doing much of anything. 

My daughter has traveled a few places with me/us, but I think she would rather hang out with her friends. She even confides things to my gf before she tells me anything. 

I also work alot of weekends. I kind of have to so I can pay child support. So even when I have her, I don't get any quality time anymore. I think she hangs out with her friends while she's at her mom's. I think that's the real reason she wants to be at her moms more. It was the same when I lived a mile away.

You could be right about me making assumptions. Maybe I feel like I am becoming obsolete. She does have it much easier at her mom's.


----------



## Luckylucky

Is there a possibility she’s at the age where she wants to go to her mum’s for her own motives?

We know a couple who had a very amicable divorce, also one daughter - lovely kid! But kids are kids! As she got into her mid-teens she did tend to swing all the time - she’d decide she wanted full time at one parent’s, then when things got strict or too demanding, she decided she wanted to go to the other parent’s... and round and round it went!

All very minor and innocent, she just didn’t like rules, didn’t like being asked to do homework etc, met with friends leading her astray. It eventually caused the exes to start fighting for the first time in 10 years. Til they realised she was just being a kid and it was time for them to be on the same team. Not sure if it applies to you, but something to ponder.


----------



## Luckylucky

Trickster said:


> Hey PieceOfSky, it good you're still around here...
> 
> I actually talked to my ex when I dropped off our dog. I have him most of the time though, but she still wants to see him on occasion.
> 
> I don't know if our daughter has any unresolved issues. Give it some time and I'm sure something will happen.
> 
> I am living with my gf now and she definitely likes taking vacations. For me, I think I've been traveling more than ever before. My ex has every opportunity to travel, visit family over holidays, and Summer without having to spend too much money. Maybe I do feel a little guilty because she isn't dating or doing much of anything.
> 
> My daughter has traveled a few places with me/us, but I think she would rather hang out with her friends. She even confides things to my gf before she tells me anything.
> 
> I also work alot of weekends. I kind of have to so I can pay child support. So even when I have her, I don't get any quality time anymore. I think she hangs out with her friends while she's at her mom's. I think that's the real reason she wants to be at her moms more. It was the same when I lived a mile away.
> 
> You could be right about me making assumptions. Maybe I feel like I am becoming obsolete. She does have it much easier at her mom's.


I replied before reading this.

Ahh, I thought so - friends at mum’s and having it easier. Except at some point mum will put her foot down too and insist on her doing chores, school, less friends etc. and try to want to teach her some responsibilities. 

Then she may decide to want to be with you full time.


----------



## frusdil

Trickster said:


> *I also work alot of weekends. I kind of have to so I can pay child support.* So even when I have her, I don't get any quality time anymore. I think she hangs out with her friends while she's at her mom's. I think that's the real reason she wants to be at her moms more. It was the same when I lived a mile away.


Can you change your work hours and put in a change of assessment so you pay less child support because your income has gone down?


----------



## Trickster

frusdil said:


> Can you change your work hours and put in a change of assessment so you pay less child support because your income has gone down?



Yes, I am my own boss. The more hours I work, the more money I can make. In the past, I always adjusted my hours to go to Dr. appointments with my daughter over the years, Little Gym when she was much younger, her theater performances, and I'd always be home for dinner, even if I had to go back to the office. 

I had to close for a couple months because of Covid and it wiped out all my savings.. I'm slowly recovering my income loss. I could probably pay less child support, but that wouldn't be in the best interest for our daughter.


----------

