# empty nester going thru separation



## after_23yrs (Feb 13, 2012)

Warning. Will be a long post. I have been married now for about 23 years. We have had a good life. It's kind of strange because I can honestly say that for the past 20 years we have never ever gotten into a bad arguement. We always managed to laugh and have a good time. About 5 years ago I found out by mistake that he had been having an affair. Of course he told me it was all physical nothing emotional. blah blah blah. I did ask him if she was the only one and he said yes. I forgave him. I decided that our family and our 3 kids were more important than my pride. Family means everything to me. So i decided to give it another try with him. Now 5 years later I come to find out that that wasn't his first affair. Apparently, when we were first married - he had an affair. I realize this affair happened many years ago but I cannot seem to get it out of my head. I cannot stop feeling like an idiot. On Thursday I asked him for a separation. I cannot wait for the 3rd affair to come around. I think he believes I am going to get over it because it happened so many years ago. Plus because I agreed to let him stay upstairs while I live downstairs. See our youngest is going to be 21 and no longer lives with us. It's just us now. Do I need to kick his butt out of the house in order for him to take me seriously? Do I need to move out? I cannot seem to be mean to him. I am still ironing his uniforms, making him dinner. I have always taken care of him. I don't hate him. I just don't trust him anymore. How can I stop being this stupid nice person who's been cheated on twice??


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You cant really be angry that he never told you five years ago what happened decades earlier. If there is nothing else wrong with your marriage its best to forget it. You wont be better off without him or with another H. Keep what youve got.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well I understand you being angry and going through motions. I also understand you not fully trusting him, but really, you've invested 23 years of your life into this marriage and I don't understand what the point of calling yourself "stupid" is?

You're not a stupid nice person. You are a kind wife. I would say that's a good thing. 

Is he cheating on you these days? Has he given you reasons not to trust him since he came clean 5 years ago? Is he affectionate towards you?

Kicking him out, divorcing him and punishing him will not gain you much happiness. Not after 23 years. Not after having 3 kids that you both love. It'll just be a temporary relief for your anger. And to be frank, he may end up moving on faster than you do. Are you ready to see him happily in love with another woman while you're still grieving the death of your marriage and struggling to move on?

You need to talk to him and make him understand how badly he's hurt you. Don't show anger. Show sadness because that's the true feeling you have. Then seek professional therapy with the aim of gaining confidence. 

Be the better person. Save your marriage and make your husband understand your pain. 

Keep us posted


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

To you, the first affair is a brand new thing. The hurt is raw, just like if it happened yesterday.

To him, it's over 20 years ago. He came to grips with it long long ago.

Throwing away 23 years just as your kids have left and you can enjoy things together more isn't something to do lightly. If your husband is truly remorseful and wants to work on things with you, then why not give him a chance? But he does need to fully understand what he's done, and you need to hold him accountable. Infidelity takes years to heal from. Years. To heal properly, anyway. You can sweep it all under the rug like you did 5 years ago and things will seem fine on the outside, but the hurt won't go away that way. You are probably feeling all that hurt plus this new hurt, and it's overwhelming you.

I wasn't able to move past what my hubby did without counseling for myself. I got the clarity I needed from it. We also continue to work on things together every day. We talk about what he did, he still apologizes to me when I need it, even though D day#1 was almost 2 years ago. You husband needs to beg for your forgiveness - has he ever done so?


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## after_23yrs (Feb 13, 2012)

How can you say that it's best to forget. I already forgave/forgot one affair? Isn't trust important? Who knows - I may be better off without him. I won't have to live the rest of my life in doubt.


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## after_23yrs (Feb 13, 2012)

Everyone is right. 23yrs is nothing to sneeze at. We are at that point in our lives where it should be all about "us". I have always had the frame of mind that if he ever did anything - No excuse. He is an adult and every action has a consequence. We all know that. I have looked into counseling for myself. I need to get my feelings together and figure out what I want. If it does come down to D. I am a very strong person and I KNOW that I will survive (just like the song says). 

I really do appreciate everyone's replies.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

After23 ... 

I’m dealing with husbands affair after 30 years of marriage. I cant forgive or forget either,& I cant even move on ... the damage done really tarnished my feelings .

We had a really pretty good marriage and a pretty good life. Wanted for nothing . H has done an enormous amount of heavy lifting,since. He was even able to forgive me for a hurt I caused him . Which sort of balanced our playing fields, but its still not enough for me to return to the marriage. I question myself everyday , "what’s wrong with me ?” 

Im told too ,don't throw away 30 years, work on,make it better, there’s a lot of history, so many roots, family,you will, can, can get to the other side together, and a fact that I know , I will never find someone ever that will love me as he really does. 

Just bc of 30 years am I to put aside what values I hold close to heart for everyone else,? and maybe, just maybe somewhere down the road, maybe nxt ,maybe 5, i should start to feel better...

So I agree with you when you wonder ... this is just my story to learn from ....

~sammy


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