# How do stop your partner treating you badly?



## ella-in-trouble (Oct 4, 2013)

My partner is often incredibly unfair, unreasonable, difficult, and bad tempered. I'm just left gasping at how rude and unreasonable he can be. 

My problem is, HOW do you stop someone treating you badly? I often hear people say they wouldn't ALLOW someone to treat them badly.There's quotes such as: "People will treat you as badly as you allow them to... you teach people how to treat you". But I don't understand how to NOT allow him to treat me badly. HOW do I "not stand for it"? How do I establish "boundaries" and insist on him respecting me? What do I DO if he oversteps my boundaries of acceptable behaviour? I had this problem with my first husband too, and ended up leaving him eventually. 

If my current partner is rude to me, I'll say "Don't speak to me that way," but then what? He doesn't apologise, so what can I do? I could always stay in a huff until I receive an apology, but then he would just stay silent and get in a huff himself (as I said, he's unfair and unreasonable!) and we could end up in an escalating cold war that goes on indefinitely. Then it would start to impact on everything, eg if we had plans to go to a party one of us wouldn't go, if we had tickets to a show, we'd miss it, if we had holiday plans or friends coming to stay for the weekend it would cause problems. It's cutting off my nose to spite my face.

For instance his 50th birthday is coming up in 6 weeks and I know when the day comes, he loves entertaining and will really enjoy a party, and will be disappointed and possibly even blame me if he doesn't have one. His friends and family are encouraging me to organise it, however we've only been together for 3 years, so I don't think it's quite my place to take over the planning completely and he needs to be involved, especially as he's also paying for it. Yet he is incredibly grumpy about discussing the party! As soon as I raise the topic, he acts as if I'm nagging him to mow the lawn or unblock a toilet! It's not as if I'm insisting he have a party and he really doesn't want one. I've always said that if he doesn't want a party, that's his decision and that's fine. 

Anyway, he has established that he WILL have a party and has participated in some vague discussion about it, but whenever I try to finalise a decision he gets stroppy! I've spent hours putting together the invite, but I need him to confirm that he's happy with it and all the details on it, then he needs to be involved in sending out the invites as many of the guests are his friends (I've only known them 3 years though him) so he has their email addresses, contact details etc. I can't launch the invite without his involvement.

When I tried to get him to check some changed details on the invite before he went to work, he told me to stop haranging him and got angry and grumpy and left in a rage and will probably stay angry for days! Yet this invite should have been sent out 2 weeks ago! I only care about him and his party and that it's a success and he's happy with it! I swear I'm not haranging him - it's just that organising a party in your own home for 100 people requires planning and discussion. Some people plan their 50ths for years! It's really rude and unreasonable for him to even say that. 

It's so tempting for me to just drop the whole darn thing and let it flounder, that is what he richly deserves and THAT would soon teach him not to overstep my boundaries, but I would feel mean spirited doing that. It would be an awful memory, that his 50th was a shambles, even though it would be his own fault. What do I do??


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well what I see is two different things going on here.

Your first question: How to get someone to quit treating you badly? You have to establish boundaries. If he wont quit, you leave. Sounds harsh, but if you stay, he will continue knowing there is nothing you can or will do about it.

The second thing I see is that you don't really take the initiative. I don't understand why he has to be so involved with the planning of his bday party. If it was me, I would feel like I was throwing my own party. Who wants to throw their own party?

You say you have "only been together for 3 years". It is not like it has been 3 months. 3 years is plenty long enough to take the bull by the horns and do this for him. Maybe he is resentful when you keep brining it up because he feels like you are making him throw is own party? Why don't you ask him to give you the money it is going to cost and just do it?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Drop the whole darn thing and let it flounder. 

If it means that much to him he'll get it done. 

Hey you tried.

Focus on losing the self imposed guilt trip. 

You can't change him and what he does but you can work on yourself.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ella-in-trouble said:


> It's so tempting for me to just drop the whole darn thing and let it flounder, that is what he richly deserves and THAT would soon teach him not to overstep my boundaries, but I would feel mean spirited doing that. It would be an awful memory, that his 50th was a shambles, even though it would be his own fault. What do I do??


I hate to tell you this, but you aren't going to win here, because he put you in an no-win situation.

So he expects you to put this party together, but you can't do it without him, and he won't cooperate. Have I got that right?

That's like someone expecting you to drive the car, but they won't give you the keys. 

My only recommendation is to protect yourself. It sounds childish, but document what you are doing. Write down each and every occasion you tried to discuss the party with him. Maybe even audio record it with your cell phone. So later, when it doesn't happen and he tries to blame you, you have the proof in hand that it wasn't your fault. 

Then ask yourself if being married to him is worth having to cover your own ass every time like that.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It's a little hard to tell what's going on from this one story. I hear you saying that he's making it hard for you to plan the party. But I also sense that you kind of resent planning the party to begin with (the "we've only been together three years" thing sounds like a little bit of an excuse). Maybe he senses that too. If it's just a matter of "can you give me the contact info of the people you want to invite that I don't already have" and he won't do it, that's pretty crappy of him. But maybe you're asking him about every little thing in a passive aggressive way because you don't really want to do it. Like I said, I just can't tell from this one story. But are there prior problems that are making you not feel so much like throwing him a party?

I don't really know what you mean by "treating you badly" -- is he insulting you? Is it passive aggressiveness? I'm not saying you're right or he's right, I just think there's a lot of story that we're not getting.


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## ella-in-trouble (Oct 4, 2013)

When I say 'treating me badly' I just mean being rude and unfair, like this morning - going off in a rage because I've asked him to briefly check the invite for his own party. And by the way, I've spent hours working on this invite making it look good, so I'm trying to do nice things for him. Saying I'm haranging him when I'm only persisting with the invite now because it's becoming urgent to get them sent out. Another example - on the weekend he was working around the house and I cooked him lunch, chicken maryland roasts on caramelised fennel, so yummy and i'd gone to a lot of effort to make a nice lunch for him, then he got angry because he doesn't like chicken legs and was angry at me because he once let me know that. Even when i explained that Chicken Maryland is actually the thigh as well, and I didn't realise his aversion to chicken drumsticks was so extreme that he must never be served them... he still wouldn't/couldn't apologise even though I was quite upset. Again, trying to do nice things for him and getting it kicked back in my face. I tend to get over things very quickly, so don't dig my heels in and get that apology. I may as well ask him to chew off his own arm as apologise : /


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

He had no right to react that way and he is a jerk for doing so. 

I still find it interesting that you went to a lot of effort to cook him something that he apparently told you he doesn't like. It sounds to me like you're holding in all your anger and resentment and it's coming out in passive aggressive ways instead. Just like I have a gut feeling that you're being passive aggressive about the party, because deep down you feel like "this guy is not treating me well, why should I be throwing him a party?!" but you haven't found a healthy way of expressing your anger and unhappiness.


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## ella-in-trouble (Oct 4, 2013)

I guess I do feel a little bit like I'm being railroaded into organising a party when to be honest I hate organising anything, and I personally would not throw a party for my birthday, I would prefer a holiday and a quiet dinner with family. So I feel like I'm giving him a 'gift' in organising a party for him and it outrages me when he's actually seems to RESENT me for the fact that the party needs organising at all! But I want to do something nice for him - he does a lot for me - and here's my opportunity, he will love the party on the day if its a success, and so I'm organising this party with all my might and main and trying to have fun with it. I guess I do rattle on and on about the party, but it's necessary!! 

The reason he has to be involved to some extent in the planning of his own party: he's the sort of guy with strong likes and dislikes and he doesn't like to be railroaded, so it is important that he has a say on what happens. I research what's available, get quotes, show him the options, basically do all the work, all he has to do is discuss it and indicate what he prefers. 

I've been really sensitive to his requests also and enthusiastically go with what ever his preferences are - I had plans for this magnificent Gatsby gaming party, but he wasn't into that, he wants a relaxed sunday session with a band, so that's what we're having. 

"If he won't quit, you leave" - that is so extreme! And I don't think it's healthy for a relationship to have one partner threatening to leave. Surely there must be some other strategy to show him I'm not a doormat, I will not be treated with disrespect, if he behaves like a prick, there will be a consequence.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well you just started to acknowledge your real feelings there, and that's a start.


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## ella-in-trouble (Oct 4, 2013)

John Lee said:


> He had no right to react that way and he is a jerk for doing so.
> 
> I still find it interesting that you went to a lot of effort to cook him something that he apparently told you he doesn't like. It sounds to me like you're holding in all your anger and resentment and it's coming out in passive aggressive ways instead. Just like I have a gut feeling that you're being passive aggressive about the party, because deep down you feel like "this guy is not treating me well, why should I be throwing him a party?!" but you haven't found a healthy way of expressing your anger and unhappiness.


Well I never cook chicken drumsticks because I know he's not keen on those, but I guess I saw the chicken maryland as a different thing and momentarily forgot about the burning need to avoid chicken legs. I hear what you say, but I don't think it was the case in the Chicken Incident. 

But in other ways, yes, you could have a point about passive aggressive. I do have a very conciliatory nature, I have a lot of trouble speaking up, I feel like I somehow ALLOW him to treat me badly and therefore I lose his respect, but I have no idea how to deal with him. When I stand up for myself, he gets furious with me and it casts a stinkbomb over our relationship for days.

My ex husband treated me REALLY disrespectfully (worse) and after 15 years I left. Yet to this day, 5 years later, my ex husband still loves me and has often tried to get back together. Yet when he was with me, he walked all over me and didn't love me enough to change despite my threats to leave! I"m really doing something wrong, I wish I knew what it was.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You already had this problem with your first husband and are now going through it again.

You say you are trying to do 'nice' things for him and it always turns out to be the 'wrong' thing. You never seem to be getting it right.

This usually means you are doing things what you think is right for your husband but not what he thinks and wants.

So now you know what you are doing wrong and your wish has been fulfilled!

What to do about it. Well for a start stop 'surprising' him. Whatever you want to do ask him first. He will most likely say no every time. 

About the party. You most likely have it all planned and are asking him to 'help'. Your marriage is not at that stage. Your husband doesnt like being the one to just help and do what you tell him. I am sure he wants the party more than you. One doesnt turn 50 every day. 

I could go on but will leave it at that.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I think this thread will help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...6225-our-marriage-better-why.html#post4670970


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

ella-in-trouble said:


> My problem is, HOW do you stop someone treating you badly? I often hear people say they wouldn't ALLOW someone to treat them badly.There's quotes such as: "People will treat you as badly as you allow them to... you teach people how to treat you". But I don't understand how to NOT allow him to treat me badly. HOW do I "not stand for it"? How do I establish "boundaries" and insist on him respecting me? What do I DO if he oversteps my boundaries of acceptable behaviour? I had this problem with my first husband too, and ended up leaving him eventually.


When it comes to relationships, we only have 2 choices: Either we STAY or LEAVE. 

When it comes to STAYING, we only have a few choices: 

Put up with the bad behavior.. As the saying goes, "Put up and SHUT up!" That means saying nothing to ANYONE about it. Your h. and you will probably remain married for as long as HE wants to remain married.

Put up with the bad behavior, but VENT to others (friends, family, counselor, forums such as TAM) about it.  Again, you might remain married, but at what expense? Eventually, your friends and family will get sick of hearing your complaints. Even your h. will get sick of hearing your complaints. You might remain married, but neither one of you will be happy.

Learn other methods of solving your issues and hopefully your h. will follow your lead. You can learn how to communicate effectively, learn how to have 'more patience', learn how to pick your battles, learn how to set boundaries, etc. The goal of course, would be hoping that YOUR behavior will encourage your h. to change. This of course might NEVER happen. 

The title of your post says a lot to me. No one can "get" someone to stop mistreating them. We can not control our partner. 

If your partner is mistreating you, you can only try _some_ things, but ultimately, you can only control yourself. You can't STOP _him_ from mistreating you. You can't control _him_. You don't have that power over him. But you CAN stop YOURSELF from being mistreated by removing yourself from his presence. For example, if he begins to rage at you, you can stop whatever you're doing and leave the room. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of cooking, or mopping the floor. If he follows you and continues to rage at you, you can leave the house for a few hours. If you come back and he STILL rages at you, leave again...and again...and again...each time for longer. One day you may end up leaving for the entire day, and possibly for an entire week, completely cutting him off from yourself. Once you start to SHOW him that you won't tolerate his bad behavior, he MIGHT start to change somewhat. But there's no guarantee...

Vega


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ella-in-trouble said:


> "If he won't quit, you leave" - that is so extreme! And I don't think it's healthy for a relationship to have one partner threatening to leave. Surely there must be some other strategy to show him I'm not a doormat, I will not be treated with disrespect, if he behaves like a prick, there will be a consequence.


Leaving him doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right on the spot. It can simply mean literally just leaving the house for a couple days, getting out of that toxic environment, and staying with your parents or friends for a couple days. 

If your house had toxic mold, no one would blame you for going away until the mold is gone. It's no different here. You don't have to burn the whole house down.

BTW, have you two even tried marriage counseling?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It's obvious here that you want to plan the "perfect" party for him because if you don't, he will have a hissy fit so of course you want his input to avoid a meltdown. 

Yuck.

You are right. It's a no-win situation for you.

In regards to the party, just soldier on. No more asking him to help you. The party will come & go.

His behavior towards you his partner abuse. You have tried to get him to stop but he refuses to change. Most abusers don't want to change, ie, they are internally rewarded by abusing their partners. Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft for insight.

I am guessing that you are comparing this man to your first abusive husband & he is "not as bad" so you want to try & work it out but your solution to his abuse is for him to find a way to get him to change the way he treats you.

Hopefully others will chime in here with some ideas & strategies to help you but as for me, I got nothing. I left an abuser after 22 yrs. of marriage. I learned my lesson. I would rather be single & alone then partnered up & abused.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You said "partner", so I'm guessing you aren't married. 

Why are you with a jerk? Where is the love, the joy, the cherishing????


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## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Hi Ella,

I seem to have a husband similar to yours. I don't have a lot of advice to give on changing his habits or behaviors, but some of the folks here said some things that sound useful. 

1. leave (the room or situation)
2. make sure to treat him the way you want him to treat you (i.e. no yelling. no ridiculing, no belittling or teasing or childishness)
3. don't drive yourself crazy waiting/hoping for his behavior to change - it's like parenting a teenager - there's good days and bad.
4. ignore bad behavior - walk away from it and don't respond to it at all. He will learn that the behavior is unacceptable eventually. I myself am struggling with this part. That's why I'm on TAM - to remind myself that other people experience this stuff too.
5. Respond kindly and positively to good behavior. God it's like house-breaking a small PUPPY!!! You have to tell them that you appreciate that he took time to pick his dishes up (went potty outside -puppy).
if you only pay attention to good behavior and give responses/rewards to good behavior, he will more than likely display good behaviors more frequently.
I too am struggling with a 50-year old man who acts more like a spoiled 5-year-old child. He yells when I do something he doesn't like or agree with. I don't know what to do either, but I'm going to start with the above approach, and a little prayer. Hope your situation gets better. ttyl


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