# Staying together am I nieve



## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

So for those of you who didn’t follow my previous post My husband got caught texting a girl at work that clearly stated that they shared some kissing there was talk about sex but not ire if it actually ever happened before he got caught. So my husband has been super apologetic and really trying to make the effort for forgiveness. I know I may be nieve in believing this since we had a similar issue a few years ago. We have had some long talks and I felt like maybe some of the neglect he felt was partially my fault even though I never fully told him that. I do love him and I feel like he regrets it. He is willing to go to counseling which we never did in the past. We have been married 18 years. I don’t want to throw it all away but at times I’m just unsure he is telling the truth even though I want to believe it. Anyone experience this where maybe their spouse felt like you didn’t care so they looked for someone who did? Can this marriage really survive?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Naive? Maybe ..... more like compassionate, forgiving and just flat out wanting it to work + a little scared/fearful.

That's all normal in these situations. Let's look at this in bullet points.

- He's a repeat offender
- He's most likely minimizing and if you have caught him twice, that means, there's quite a bit more we probably don't know, including more instances, more people sadly ... that's just an assumption, educated guess in cases like this.

- You can have regrets and blame yourself for certain things in the marriage, it's a lot of hard work to make it work and we all have things we wish we could have done better but your conscience, which is kind, is betraying you at this point, one of the only times it does, when we are betrayed. We feel the guilt of our own doing, what we could have done better, what we could have done to prevent this but to be honest .... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! We can accept responsibility for drifting apart at times, which is part of the 50/50 share of marriage but Affairs are 100% selfishness and an assault on the marriage by one partner.

- are you feeling guilt because he told you certain things (lame excuses) for why he did these things. If this is so, I can understand even more why you are feeling this way. That is right our of the cheaters' handbook and a common play by the self-centered and narcissistic?

- You can give this a shot, I am almost always in favor of giving it more than the college try at Reconciliation so when it comes down to it, you can say you tried everything and left it all on the playing field but in order for this to even have a snowball's chance in Hell, these are musts;


- He follows through with Counseling
- He continues to show remorse and doesn't blame you for anything and answers any questions you have
- He is fully transparent with passwords, devices and his whereabouts

If he can sustain this for a decent amount of time and you see little to no resistance, it would take a heck of a lot of effort and time but nothing's impossible. 

The sad thing is that Cheaters usually make it easy as they cannot keep up with what is needed for an R and then go to the proven plan of attack and make the Betrayed spouse feel like they are pressing too much, crowding and unreasonable. If you start to see those signs, it's not going to work.

Start with the counseling and go from there!


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

He didn’t blame me at all but after all that he told me I can think about stuff and see where some of our issues lied that I didn’t see. We have 2 kids and he felt says he felt like we never had time for us. He completely blamed himself and said he was stupid. He answers all my questions not sure how truthful but I do try and repeat it after a bit of time to see if anything changes. I do love him and I think he loves me I don’t know why he did this. He blames himself only and swears to never do it again. He has been extra nice to me and I think he’s trying. I have my moments some days very happy others no so much. I want it to work out. I just have that fear he will do it again but I am hopeful this is where counseling may help


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Serial cheaters never change because it's in their nature. You can read on these blogs and see. You are not being naive because I just told you a basic human truth, it's as real as gravity. Almost no serial cheaters ever change, and if they do they are like the worst alcoholics always a danger of relapse. They are basically worse then useless when it comes to relationships because they actually only end up causing you pain so they are actually only a detriment to your life. If you continue with him you can't say you weren't warned. But it's your life.

Bottom line is you are taking a very huge risk. I suggest you try to emotionally detach and see where that leads you. Start to live your life like he was dead and see if your feelings go away, so it will be easier to move on. See him for who he is. At the very least that will make him work very hard for a chance. Move out of the bedroom and stop doing the normal things you may have done to take care of him as his wife. Again make him prove it over a long period of time. 

You have access to all his electronics right?
Maybe secretly put something on his phone so you can track him.
Put a tracker in his car. 

At the very least tell him to get and read the books

Not just friends 
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair

All that an then maybe you will be one of the lucky very few, and even then what do you get. A cheater. You can do better. 18 years are over it's the only next 18 you should be thinking about, 18 years with a cheater.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would go with your gut. We all make mistakes/poor decisions. But if he is honestly talking with you on any topic and 'trying' to work things out, it's good. I would defiantly encourage marriage counseling-- He's is willing to go so that's a great start. Just keep your eyes open-- like is he on his phone or computer more than usual. Is he attempting to spend more time with you and you with him? This is a marriage so both parties need to work at spending quality time together. I have read that men get caught and lay low for awhile and then try it again because they 'need' something--- thou some don't want to talk about it nor do they want to participate in counseling. Yours does so this is a good sign!!


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## DavidGJRock (Jun 11, 2018)

Lola416 said:


> So for those of you who didn’t follow my previous post My husband got caught texting a girl at work that clearly stated that they shared some kissing there was talk about sex but not ire if it actually ever happened before he got caught. So my husband has been super apologetic and really trying to make the effort for forgiveness. I know I may be nieve in believing this since we had a similar issue a few years ago. We have had some long talks and I felt like maybe some of the neglect he felt was partially my fault even though I never fully told him that. I do love him and I feel like he regrets it. He is willing to go to counseling which we never did in the past. We have been married 18 years. I don’t want to throw it all away but at times I’m just unsure he is telling the truth even though I want to believe it. Anyone experience this where maybe their spouse felt like you didn’t care so they looked for someone who did? Can this marriage really survive?



I do not want to upset you, but if he did this once he will do this again and again
And then it's up to you to decide whether to continue or try to save your marriage!?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lola416 said:


> So for those of you who didn’t follow my previous post My husband got caught texting a girl at work that clearly stated that they shared some kissing there was talk about sex but not ire if it actually ever happened before he got caught. So my husband has been super apologetic and really trying to make the effort for forgiveness. I know I may be nieve in believing this since we had a similar issue a few years ago. We have had some long talks and I felt like maybe some of the neglect he felt was partially my fault even though I never fully told him that. I do love him and I feel like he regrets it. He is willing to go to counseling which we never did in the past. We have been married 18 years. I don’t want to throw it all away but at times I’m just unsure he is telling the truth even though I want to believe it. Anyone experience this where maybe their spouse felt like you didn’t care so they looked for someone who did? Can this marriage really survive?


So let me get this straight.

You've caught him at least *TWICE* so far, acting inappropriately with women in the hopes of getting himself some girlie action.

And just think - those are just the two times you _*know*_ about. Imagine all the times he's hit on women - in the past as well as likely right up to this minute - that you *don't* know about. Surely you don't think you've caught him the 'only' two times he's supposedly ever done this???? Come on.

And yes - you'd be horribly naive to believe a word out of this serial cheater's mouth. All he's doing is throwing whatever he can at the wall, hoping something sticks so he can avoid going to divorce court. If he has to throw therapy on the table as a gambling chip, then that's what he'll throw. Kissing your ass, proclaiming his undying love, bringing you toast and coffee in bed and all that crap is just part of the "please don't divorce me!" dance these fools do when they *know* they're skirting very thin ice.

How much of this dedication were you getting from him BEFORE you caught his cheating lying ass trying to get himself some action this *second* time around with his co-worker? Where was all this desire to work on your marriage and his eagerness to show you how much he loves *before* you caught him trying to close the deal with this latest one? 

I'm betting the answer to both questions is zero.

But hey - he's managed to get you to believe that this is mostly your fault for HIS decision to cheat - again. If only you'd dedicated more of your time and effort to Mr. Wonderful, just maybe he wouldn't have been _pushed_ into hitting on the blond in Accounting when he _*so *_didn't want to. What a load of horse-**** THAT is. Is that the nonsense excuse he tried to use on you a few years ago as well?

I think it's time to face the fact that he's been scratching an itch (or trying REAL hard to) that he's had for a long long time and no amount of *your *attention and affection is going to change what he's looking for.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

cc48kel said:


> I would go with your gut. We all make mistakes/poor decisions. But if he is honestly talking with you on any topic and 'trying' to work things out, it's good. I would defiantly encourage marriage counseling-- He's is willing to go so that's a great start. Just keep your eyes open-- like is he on his phone or computer more than usual. Is he attempting to spend more time with you and you with him? This is a marriage so both parties need to work at spending quality time together. I have read that men get caught and lay low for awhile and then try it again because they 'need' something--- thou some don't want to talk about it nor do they want to participate in counseling. Yours does so this is a good sign!!


 Did you actually read the OPs post?


This isn't his *first* time she's caught him at this which means the odds are there have been many other times she hasn't caught him. But she knows of at least TWO times now. The only reason he's willing to do therapy this time around is because he knows he's on very thin ice, *not because he's remorseful*. 

You were right about one thing in your post - how a lot of these guys wait for the dust to settle then they're right back to shopping for strange again. That's what the OP's husband has been doing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you're naive to trust the word of a serial cheater. How well do I know that? Very. That was my life for a long time.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Did you actually read the OPs post?
> 
> 
> This isn't his *first* time she's caught him at this which means the odds are there have been many other times she hasn't caught him. But she knows of at least TWO times now. The only reason he's willing to do therapy this time around is because he knows he's on very thin ice, *not because he's remorseful*.
> ...


Not a laughing matter but I smiled a bit when I saw this lol. I don't think I've ever seen a woman say the word 'strange' in that context before


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Lola416 said:


> So for those of you who didn’t follow my previous post My husband got caught texting a girl at work that clearly stated that they shared some kissing there was talk about sex but not ire if it actually ever happened before he got caught. So my husband has been super apologetic and really trying to make the effort for forgiveness. I know I may be nieve in believing this since we had a similar issue a few years ago. We have had some long talks and I felt like maybe some of the neglect he felt was partially my fault even though I never fully told him that. I do love him and I feel like he regrets it. He is willing to go to counseling which we never did in the past. We have been married 18 years. I don’t want to throw it all away but at times I’m just unsure he is telling the truth even though I want to believe it. Anyone experience this where maybe their spouse felt like you didn’t care so they looked for someone who did? Can this marriage really survive?


Ok, just stop. Long of the short of it, over the past few years I've caught my wife texting with other men multiple times. I've seen some of the texts, some of which were very direct and sexual from them but never from her. I have seen flirting from her but never anything sexual. After confronting her each time she would start out as seeming remorseful but then quickly have the attitude that she did nothing wrong. We tried counseling and after a few sessions she didn't want to go anymore. We agreed to work on things between us but then she never put in the effort. And now recently after feeling that something was going on again, I found texts on her phone once again, texts that without a doubt confirmed and affair. Again, day 1 and 2 there was a little remorse but then straight to the "I did nothing wrong" attitude again. I my experience, it does not stop.

The first time she got caught texting, she switched to using a messaging app. The next time she got caught, she listed the OM's name as something different in her phone thinking I wouldn't look at it. The next time, she was using Facebook messenger. And this last time the affair had been with a friend of mine for over 30 years, someone that she knew I would never suspect. You can try counseling, having him show you his phone every day and let you look through it, even put a spy app on his phone so you can see it in real time, but from my experience it does not stop and they just use different tactics.


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

*Update on my husbands affair*

So we have gone to 2 counseling sessions where my husband has completely confessed and broke down that he is suffering with depression. He told the stories of companionship more than sexual relations. He completely blames himself for not being open with me. He said he lost himself and allowed himself to get close to other woman but never wanted to hurt me or have it go further. I felt bad but not sure if I believe it 100%. We r still working on it and I’m hopeful. Just not sure...


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

To me personally I think you are naïve. Staying with anyone after infidelity, in my opinion, is always trouble and weakness and basically settling for fear of having to be alone and start over new/fresh. I personally can't comprehend how anyone stays with a cheater.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: Update on my husbands affair*



Lola416 said:


> So we have gone to 2 counseling sessions where my husband has completely confessed and broke down that he is suffering with depression. He told the stories of companionship more than sexual relations. He completely blames himself for not being open with me. He said he lost himself and allowed himself to get close to other woman but never wanted to hurt me or have it go further. I felt bad but not sure if I believe it 100%. We r still working on it and I’m hopeful. Just not sure...


I was not going to but I can't help myself...

You have gotten some go advice but let me just lay some general info on you. 

Are you being naïve...Yes to a certain extent. You want to believe him and some of what he is saying is true, no doubt. 

But he is lying, about a lot. First, I promise you that if you and he have not been having sex, he has been sleeping with some body. If he is at all attractive, and he is not horrible in be, then yeah, he is lying about that. 

Did he love them, not really, he just wanted to screw them. How many, how many times, who knows. 

Can he come back from this, yes be he has to do the work, the heavy lifting. 

If it is a deal breaker that he slept with someone else, then file for divorce, because he did. 

You can make him take a SUPRISE polygraph if you want to be more sure, I may clear him of damn him. 

You know that you should have full access to ALL email accounts, his phone, his financial accounts, everything.

You can monitor him and see how his is conducting himself, and on and on.

18 Years if worth saving, if he is the one that does the most to save it because he broke it to start with...


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## Lola416 (Apr 25, 2015)

*Not sure if I can do it*

So after reading all your posts I really question my husband truths. I mean I totally agree that at this point in our lives why have a fake affair if you didn’t have sex or if it was definitely leaning that way although he claims it was just an emotional thing. He just liked the attention and liked talking. But I know they kissed and I’m sure it would have lead to more had he not been caught. I feel like he is really trying but I’m not sure if he means it. I am pretty sure I am gonna question everything no matter what. How many people have gone thru this and has it ever worked out? I know the counselor told us they wouldn’t take us as a couple for therapy unless they thought we had a shot..I am considering moving out into another apartmnent because our 2 family house currently has a vacant apartment but I’m not sure


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Not sure if I can do it*



Lola416 said:


> So after reading all your posts I really question my husband truths. I mean I totally agree that at this point in our lives why have a fake affair if you didn’t have sex or if it was definitely leaning that way although he claims it was just an emotional thing. He just liked the attention and liked talking. But I know they kissed and I’m sure it would have lead to more had he not been caught. I feel like he is really trying but I’m not sure if he means it. I am pretty sure I am gonna question everything no matter what. How many people have gone thru this and has it ever worked out? I know the counselor told us they wouldn’t take us as a couple for therapy unless they thought we had a shot..I am considering moving out into another apartmnent because our 2 family house currently has a vacant apartment but I’m not sure


Don't beat yourself up. Very few people simply drop the microphone and walk away at the first sign. It's just not in our nature. 

Many folks here have had several D-Days and years of false-reconciliation and years of playing Junior Detective before they woke up one day and realized they just couldn't keep on keeping on. 

There's nothing that says you have to go all or nothing in one day. If you need more time to evaluate the situation and gather more information and get a more clear picture of what is happening before you make a definitive decision, that is fine. 

But do start circling your wagons and making some contingency plans in case you do find out he is a lying snake or you wake up one day and realize this is not the life you want to lead. 

Consult a family law attorney and find out what your rights and responsibilities are should you decide to seek divorce.

Start separating your finances and protect your assets should he decide to run off with one of his chickies one day and deciding to empty out all the accounts to take with them. 

Get yourself mobile and be ready to pack up and move out on a moment's notice if things turn ugly and you need to get out of Dodge in hurry. Get rid of extra baggage you don't need. Have important documents secured in a safe place. Have a "Go-Bag" packed and ready if you have to flee in the middle of the night. Have some trusted friends and relatives on standby that you can go to if you need to bolt on a moment's notice. 

Divorces usually months to years to finalized and they can be called off at any time. So it doesn't hurt to be taking the intermediate steps and have your ducks in row and ready to bolt on a moment's notice and be ready to pull the trigger even if you don't actually pull it. 

Getting prepared and ready to pull the ejection handle will make you feel strong and empowered and way less likely to take anyone's crap or be manipulated. 

It will also be good for him to see that you are preparing yourself for the worst and for him to see that you won't be manipulated or poo-poo'd. 

In short, have all your ducks in a row and have everything in place so that you are able to walk out the door at any moment and step into your next life. Have everything ready so all you need to do is sign the papers and file them in one swoop and move into your next place at the drop of a hat. 

The more prepared you are, the more strong and empowered you will be and the less indecisive you will be when the next shoe drops.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Not sure if I can do it*



Lola416 said:


> So after reading all your posts I really question my husband truths. I mean I totally agree that at this point in our lives why have a fake affair if you didn’t have sex or if it was definitely leaning that way although he claims it was just an emotional thing. He just liked the attention and liked talking. But I know they kissed and I’m sure it would have lead to more had he not been caught. I feel like he is really trying but I’m not sure if he means it. I am pretty sure I am gonna question everything no matter what. How many people have gone thru this and has it ever worked out? I know the counselor told us they wouldn’t take us as a couple for therapy unless they thought we had a shot..I am considering moving out into another apartmnent because our 2 family house currently has a vacant apartment but I’m not sure


I think your husband's Oscar-worthy performance where he supposedly 'broke down and admitted he's depressed' (since when do we all have the capacity to diagnose depression?) is such a boatload of horse****. Just like most cheaters, he's chosen an overused excuse to try to pin his cheating on. Depression is a popular one, alcohol is also very popular, and of course, the old 'sex addict' and 'porn addict' excuses are getting tons of mileage.

If cheaters didn't have those nonsense excuses, they'd actually have to admit the *truth*. That they were attracted to the OP, that they jumped at the opportunity when it arose, that they were willing to overlook the commitment they had to their spouse, and that they wanted to experience sex with the OP. Period.

This 'depression' garbage he's trying to feed you just sounds SO much better than having to admit the truth to you Lola. It makes him look like a poor hapless victim of a medical/biological malady instead the horn dog he really IS.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't think you're naïve. I think you're just afraid to leave a long term relationship, and he's all you've known for a long time.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And just think - those are just the two times you _*know*_ about. Imagine all the times he's hit on women - in the past as well as likely right up to this minute - that you *don't* know about. Surely you don't think you've caught him the 'only' two times he's supposedly ever done this???? Come on.


^^^ Without a Doubt ^^^

https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html

When you find out... It was not 2 times but really 5 OW will the number make a difference to you? Or that fact that your H is a pathological liar?


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