# Is it Me, or am I stupid



## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Sure is going to be hard to do all this in one sitting. My wife and I are have been married almost 26 years now. I am 45 so figure out the math there. We have had ups and downs and about a month ago out of the blue, my wife asked for a separation. She says that I make decisions for my self first, then the family. She also believes I spend too much money, money that we dont have. Ok, I understand and agree with her to a point. But...I was so shocked, I couldnt imagine what brought this out, so I started to investigage phone bills, cell phone bills, email accounts. Well, 8 years ago, she had a co-worker that I just couldnt stand, because every day when she came home, he was all she talked about, even our oldest son who was 17 at the time, as tired of hearing about this other guy. Well, in my investigating, I found that she has been secretly communicating with this guy everytime, I take the boys on a fishing or hunting trip. This freaked me out bad. Though, she claims they are just friends and that very rarely did she even talk about "us". Then he got a live in girlfriend and their communication stopped. Only to find she then went to another male, a former friend of ours that had moved. I thought he just disappeared, but she had been hiding her communication with him too. Says, he was having marriage problems and she is social and likes to listen. Well, I have been told that I am parnoid, untrusting etc. As a matter of fact, She has told me this for almost the whole marriage, as she does have a tendancy to like guys over gals. I was devistated and I guess I need to read about the 180 and such as everyone else here recommends. So, we are in marriage Counseling. We have good days and bad. Though, she feels my issues of trust are small compared to hers, even last night in MC, she said that we are working on a budget ( i gave her full control of the finances) and in about 3 months or so when that either gets better, she will decide if our marriage will end up working out. However, she doesnt want to tackle the issues that bother me until later. Well, as weak and crying and emotional as I had been, I have since realized, I am an awesome guy. So different at work and the real world than I am at home. Ive even been told that I am the perfect gay male friend, that isnt gay. I havent figured out if that is a good thing or not, but I have finally found myself and realize I am a good person. Now, I think the roles have changed. I see a separation as a possible good thing, but all of a sudden, she thinks she see's progress and doesnt think a separation is needed. In 4 weeks, she has seen this. I still scan our records and it doesnt appear she has had any more communication with either male. Now, she wants me to wait on the separation for another 3 weeks, till the kids finish school. I told her that wasnt fair to me and her response was, here you go again, putting yourself in front of me and the family. I really love her and I believe she really loves me. I know its possible that these other guys are just friends, but it sure looks like herer at TAM that I really might have stupid on my forehead. The first guy I mentioned, she did admit years ago that there was about 10 seconds of passion, then they both realized it was wrong, though, she has said in the past, that she could never tell me, as she thinks I would hurt myself or something. Im really stuck, as I now know I can live on my own and maybe it might be a good thing, but am so confused, as I dont think i will ever know the truth. She even says she cant get a real job as she is afraid I would think she is sleeping with any man she is around, so she works in an all womens job career, making close to nothing. Any ideas or suggestion would be greatly appreciated.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't confuse your persona at work with how you "really" are. The folks at work don't share finances with you and probably don't depend on you for a great deal. The way you are at home is probably closer to the real you. Not doubting your awesomeness, but my wife is all sweetness and light at work but living with her isn't the dream others may imagine it would be. 
If, in 25 years, your wife has had only 10 seconds of passion with some other guy, you're actually doing pretty well. I would recommend that you assume at this point that if she leaves, she does so because there's something about you that causes her pain she can't live with. If you assumed some other dude was the problem, that relieves you from the responsibility of honestly looking at your own self. If, you perform this honest examination and seriously work on self-improvement, you lessen the chance that she'll leave. Even if she does, you'll end up a better person and increase the odds that the next relationship will survive. She's got a few issues but you can't fix her's. That's her job. You can only fix you.


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

10 seconds of passion is what she has told me. Im sure I will never know, as she is the type of person to take things to her grave.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Good Grief, Charle Brown.....

First off, there is nothing selfish or paranoid about trying tp protect the sanctity of your marriage. And you can go ahead and tell her that next time she brings that up.

Second, you are letting her control the fate of the marriage. She's actull telling you the timeline, and you are taking it like a puppy. Did you notice that when YOU actually decided that maybe YOU didn't want to remain in the marriage, she changed her tune. And when you tried to explain you had enough, she turned the tables on you again, making it feel like it was your fault the marriage wasn't going to work out?

Now, I understand you want to keep your marriage, that's normal and noble. But you letting her dictate the terms is not healthy. The marriage is BOTH of you, not just hers, for her to decide if it works or doesn't. Tell her to get off the fence, and tell you if she really wants to work on the marriage, or if she is going to continue to string you along.

The next time she call you selfish, just tell her you don't have to listen to those absurd words, then just walk away, telling her the discussion is over until she is ready to stop the blaming and name calling. Tell her you will continue the discussion again when she's ready to act like a mature adult.

In the meantime, go read the manning up sticky at the top of the men's forum. You will find it helpful, maybe, in dealing with this type of behavior.

Also, there I a book out there called "Not Just Friends". I would advise you to read. It explains your situation very well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not stupid...we all have our reasons..theres alot of history and we can understand the confusion. The best thing you got going for you is the fact that you seem confident that you could move on with out her. It also seems she has stepped up a little. 

I suggest you keep looking after your self and don't let her tell you different. She cheated period. So time is on your side so reflect and anylize were you want to be in the future.Make a list of pros and cons on why you should stay. See witch ones longer. 

In my experience she has no room to talk and if she does it should be on her knees asking for forgiveness, and submitting to a man how has been nothing but faithful.....alittle selfish maybe but all the same she is an iceberg and you will never know the whole truth.(a polygraph might help)

So what are your expectation for the rest of your life with her?


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Im not sure anymore. I saw an IC and he said I have stupid written all over my forehead. We were married so young, 17 and 19 that she is all I know. We went from living at home to living together. I was not perfect either, I had a one night stand 24 years ago and we worked through it. I have had concerns over many different situations and some, I am sure I was paranoid. But, as I know she will never tell me if there was anything more than her social talking with these guys, she hid it very well and said she had to hide it as I would not have approved. I dont feel right confronting the guys, as this would get rid of any chance to save things, but I am not sure what I want anymore. The finances to me, seems like an easy fix. But her having the trust to find a real job and make real money I cant see her being able too. Me, I dont know if I like living my life always wondering again if she is truthful to me. I am a person who needs admiration and affection (though very important to women, I need it too) I also have a need to express admiration and affection. She says the guys relationships were nothing but friends, she swears to me that she has never been unfaithful. But...She also doesnt like the word "affair". She wont even admit to an EA, which is obviously the case, but she will always stand by her word. A part of me says she is honest but.....I read nothing that tells me that she is being honest. Im not sure I can get over these trust issues and if that is the case, I feel it best to let her go so we can both see what the world has for us. Confused? Yes I am. I guess only time will tell me what I need to do.


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Well, I must be stupid. I had been checking on cell phone records and saw that lately she has had a bunch of *67 calls, so when I review the records on the cell bill, these calls come up blank, can even see her number on them. Well, I decided to calmly confront her about it as I was feeling that she was going to a new level with her male relationships, only to have her say she had no clue about the calls. Well, then we found that our youngest son had been using her cell phone to prank call his friends and he knew about the *67. Ok, I felt really stupid for this, but she has become super irrate and hateful to me. Stating she is done looking over her shoulder and even thinks I have people following her. Obviuosly I guess I need help to figure out how I trust her and its my inner self that has the Issue I guess. I want to move out in fear during this working on our marriage time, I think I am doing more harm being there. However, now she doesnt want me to leave until the kids are out of school in 3 weeks, as she is scared it will hurt there final weeks at school. Would I be "selfish" to go ahead and leave now, or do I figure out how to keep my mouth shut and find a way to stay there for the next 3 weeks, I need some advise, as I am so confused. Thanks.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You're not stupid. You're cruising a huge ****ing galley down the Nile. They're fanning your royal ass with palm-fronds and feeding you peeled grapes. There's sweet music and the slaves have paper mache heads of the various animal gods, Annubis and Osiris and suchlike and you are amused. Meanwhile your royal wife is banging the entire crew below decks, 3 and 4 on 1 and doing all sorts of nasty greasy monkey sex things with men, women, children animals and furniture and you have no ****ing clue. But your happy boatride down the NILE is just awesome. 

Do you get the picture? Do you get what I'm saying? Do you?


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

Unfortunately I dont.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You in DE-NILE


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

I dont know. If my wife claims that her guy friends are just that and I really have no hard evidence. Arent I not supposed to trust her. I ask this, as my IC, even told me the same thing and I think this is what I am stuck on. I can fix spending issues, I can fix money issues, but trust both ways is where I think we will end up stuck at. I know the odds are with her on at least the EA, if not a PA. I know I love her and have been with her since I was 18, Im now 45. She is all I know and its hard to accept that maybe the best thing is to let her go. Again, so confused.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes let her go, if she comes back then she's your, if she doesn't then it was never ment to be.

What I'm saying is move on and be a stronger man for it show some confidence and she mught come along.If not then you can't control that but you can control how you want to be and how you want to act.
Do you want to be this unhappy negitive guy or do you want to be positive and successful? Change for your self not for her but for you b/c you diserve to be happy and you diserve to have good things.
Put her on the back burner and give her a taste of what she will be missing. Who knows in three week you might start looking attractive to her. Change for your self and she might like the new you and come along with the new you.

So go work out...better your self, that is what you can control, you can't controll her so stop trying.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I vote for stupid!!!!!!!!!!!

shes been cheating on you for years and now she wants to control all the money until SHE decides if she wants to stay married.

the FOX guarding the hen house.


change what you can to your name to protect yourself from this crazy cheatin *****.


Good luck


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

See, I am surrounded by the fact that she has cheated. I do understand that EA is cheating. Though, I try so hard to hear and listen to her that she isnt doing anything wrong. She hasnt had any communication since we have been in counseling. I know what you are all saying, but is there a chance that I am wrong here? That maybe all was plutonic? I know, I know. I guess Im just looking for all the suggestions to HELP me figure out what to do. I want to stay, but cant think of how we get over our trust issues. So, what I am hearing and correct me if I am wrong, she is in an EA and thats not right and that I shouldnt put up with it, even if it was innocent? Sorry, at age 45 I should know and understand this stuff, but I guess Im ignorant or something. Or like my IC says, I have been trained to forgive and not forget. Help me!


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

I would really like to hear from the regulars on this board if possible, even to let me know this is out of your league.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I'm not a regular, but why the hiding FOR YEARS if she's not doing anything wrong? Why didn't the three of you hang out (EVER) if it's just friends? Why did she run from one guy to the next when the one guy got a girlfriend? Why couldn't she just continue to be friends with him as always? Maybe because the girlfriend wouldn't put up with it? So why should you have to? Why did she want to separate? I'd want an answer to all those questions, at a minimum, before I would agree to anything about working on you. The only working on you that you need is to reduce your credulity.


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## CharlieBrown (May 10, 2011)

She hid the first person from me because they used to work together 8 years ago and all I heard when my W got home was his name over and over and over again. We fought about it, they worked together and the only 2 there as the company was closed due to a flood.. She had told me back then that they had an embrace and kiss that immediatly following was decided by both parties that this was wrong and not wanted, but yet they continued to be friends, because my wife states she knows her thresholds and that she isnt doing anything wrong. I am a person that does not believe in co-worker relationships away from work. I didnt like the guy at all, so she wouldnt do that. I did ask if she wanted to keep her friendships, do it in front of me and her answer was NO, it wouldnt feel comfortable. She wont allow a final letter or call to say we will never speak again as she says it would be the most humiliating thing to do. I dont care about that. She is so sure and confident that she can have these relationships without fear of crossing the line, but I try to tell her, I understand that, but I dont trust the OM. Its really odd, but she is so adament that there is nothing wrong and I just need to get over it. I have told her that what she says is exactly what the experts will say stats say you are guilty. She says she is not a statistic and she knows she is a good person. Not saying Im caving in, but in order for us to TRY and work this out, I have to let go. I dont think thats all fair. I realize I will never find out what really happened, not sure I want to. But I fear I will never get over this and in a year or 2, we will end up right back where we are now. She says that wont happen if we fix our marriage, communicate and work together on everything. I guess Im also looking for a females response to this too, to see, if another female also thinks I have the wool pulled over my eyes. I will say, she wants nothing to do with counseling for herself, as she says she already knows she is a good person. She just doesnt get the fact that this type of relationship is not acceptable in marriage. She only feels guilty for hiding it, but not for the content.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

To. The. Curb.

You are not stupid, but you are letting her control you. Set your boundaries and "Never retreat, never surrender" There's no need to be rough, but there is one to be tough.
How about this to think on? Why would you want to be with someone who didn't want to be with you in all ways?
In my own situation, I made it clear that there was a new sheriff in town, and the sheriff ain't takin' no guff off no one, meaning, I set my boundaries and stuck to them. There was some initial discomfort, but the end-result is a woman who values and RESPECTS me. Respect is one of the key elements and once that is lost, you are basically on the road to doormatsville.


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