# Hoping for useful ideas



## Hopeful4905

Hello. I'm very new to this and have never posted on any kind of discussion forum. I've been married for over ten years now and it seems that we never have any meaningful communication any longer. I know there are a lot of reasons for it but I have no idea how to break out of this box that we've gotten into. We got married later than most, with both of us being in our 40's. No children. No previous marriages. Both of us used to being completely independent. I know part of my difficulty is that I'm harboring some resentments but I'm terrified to talk to him about it because I'm afraid of what it will lead to. Tonight when we spoke by phone, he commented that we really don't have anything to talk about. That made me so sad and sick to my stomach. What do other married couples talk about? Especially when there are no kids in the mix? What do you talk about after you've discussed each other's day and any of the other daily to-do's? What's normal? This feels pathetic, but I'm really curious. All of my other friends are married with kids, so everything focuses on them for the most part. Your thoughts would be appreciated.


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## bobert

Is marriage counseling an option? That could be a good first start. Emotionally-focused therapy could be helpful. 

The resentments will never improve until they are discussed and dealt with. What are you resentful over and why are you afraid of his reaction?


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## heartsbeating

Hopeful4905 said:


> Hello. I'm very new to this and have never posted on any kind of discussion forum. I've been married for over ten years now and it seems that we never have any meaningful communication any longer. I know there are a lot of reasons for it but I have no idea how to break out of this box that we've gotten into.


What kind of reasons - or are the aspects below part of them as you see it?



Hopeful4905 said:


> We got married later than most, with both of us being in our 40's. No children. No previous marriages. Both of us used to being completely independent. I know part of my difficulty is that I'm harboring some resentments but I'm terrified to talk to him about it because I'm afraid of what it will lead to. Tonight when we spoke by phone, he commented that we really don't have anything to talk about. That made me so sad and sick to my stomach.


We're of the mindset / actions that it's better out than in. Keeping those resentments alive, rather than dealing with them head-on, can lead to damaging the relationship. What is it that are you afraid of?



Hopeful4905 said:


> What do other married couples talk about? Especially when there are no kids in the mix? What do you talk about after you've discussed each other's day and any of the other daily to-do's? What's normal? This feels pathetic, but I'm really curious. All of my other friends are married with kids, so everything focuses on them for the most part. Your thoughts would be appreciated.


I have a slight aversion to the notion of 'normal' as what is typical for us, may not be what your personalities and dynamic is about. Yet with that in mind, I will answer the question from the perspective of being part of a long-term relationship/marriage and without children. Aside from the daily stuff, of which work is part of and whereby we're more sharing and bouncing off one another in terms of how we navigate certain things and our feelings around it (and which can branch to other topics), we talk about various things. It could be about documentaries we have watched, things we have read or learned or interested in, global and local happenings... and again, it naturally rolls into other-related conversations and sometimes ignites healthy debate too. Other times it might be centered around sharing things of interest, people around us, our thoughts/feelings on certain personal life things, plans and priorities, and sometimes with elements of tension that also gets discussed. In saying that, there's also A LOT of goofy nonsense between us. Stupid things like if the dogs had human voices what they'd sound like and proceed with crafting the dialogue and narration to match. He has this way of having a funny running commentary and the way that plays out between us can leave us laughing so hard. Basically, we can be ridiculous; we're also in our 40s.


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## Hopeful4905

Haha, where to start. There's so many things, large and small. Some as simple as him never wanting to do anything with me. He definitely works a lot of hours and gets up very early, so I completely understand that he's tired. But all he ever wants to do when he's not working is to lounge in front of the tv. I try suggesting small things and he moans about how tired he is and how early he got up. We both with long hours and yet somehow he always gives the impression that he works so much more than me. I always ask how his day was and what he'd done. He rarely if ever asks about my day. If I do talk about it I get the impression that he's completely uninterested and not paying attention. In our current awful political climate he's taken to ranting about all the terrible things that are happening. It's depressing and while I can listen to it for a short time, eventually I've had enough because it's completely unproductive. Unfortunately we cannot relate on those issues which makes it tense. How's that for things to be resentful about? The hard thing is that I know I must take some of the blame. I feel resentful and feel like I'm not getting what I need from our relationship. I thought marriage would be different than this. As a result I find it very hard to give of myself. Maybe he feels that I'm not supportive or not affectionate. I don't know because he doesn't tell me anything. I guess I'm afraid that if I bring all this up, he'll turn all the blame on me and say we should give up. I know I'm being a coward. But I have no real experience in this.


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## DownByTheRiver

You need dogs. They make a great focal point for families and couples. I would say at least 50% of the conversation in my home growing up was talking through our dog and talking about how mean the cats were. Where you don't have any other bond, it really gives you one. Of course that's a presuming that you both would make good pet owners and have a good place for dogs and are home enough to enjoy them. 

In general people who are interested in different things are interesting to other people or more people. You can't control what he does I guess but if you know he has some interest in some aspect of the news or some hobby, you can just make an effort to sort of keep up with that.


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## Hopeful4905

heartsbeating said:


> What kind of reasons - or are the aspects below part of them as you see it?
> 
> 
> 
> We're of the mindset / actions that it's better out than in. Keeping those resentments alive, rather than dealing with them head-on, can lead to damaging the relationship. What is it that are you afraid of?
> 
> 
> I have a slight aversion to the notion of 'normal' as what is typical for us, may not be what your personalities and dynamic is about. Yet with that in mind, I will answer the question from the perspective of being part of a long-term relationship/marriage and without children. Aside from the daily stuff, of which work is part of and whereby we're more sharing and bouncing off one another in terms of how we navigate certain things and our feelings around it (and which can branch to other topics), we talk about various things. It could be about documentaries we have watched, things we have read or learned or interested in, global and local happenings... and again, it naturally rolls into other-related conversations and sometimes ignites healthy debate too. Other times it might be centered around sharing things of interest, people around us, our thoughts/feelings on certain personal life things, plans and priorities, and sometimes with elements of tension that also gets discussed. In saying that, there's also A LOT of goofy nonsense between us. Stupid things like if the dogs had human voices what they'd sound like and proceed with crafting the dialogue and narration to match. He has this way of having a funny running commentary and the way that plays out between us can leave us laughing so hard. Basically, we can be ridiculous; we're also in our 40s.


Thank you for your comments. Actually we do have times where we can enjoy talking, but it seems to happen increasingly infrequently. I think right now I'm feeling hurt over his comment that we "have nothing to talk about". Ugh! Very frustrating!


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## heartsbeating

Hopeful4905 said:


> I always ask how his day was and what he'd done. He rarely if ever asks about my day. *If I do talk about it I get the impression that he's completely uninterested and not paying attention*.


Just on this, I wanted to provide further insight to the dynamic between my husband and I. When I'm asking about his day, it typically starts with a specific question - as in, I remember he's mentioned a certain meeting was occurring, or how something panned out with a certain colleague. The conversation then rolls from there. Pandemic times, this occurs while making dinner. While he will ask me about my day or what I'm working on, I wanted to highlight an aspect of our dynamic that suits me/us and which may not be palatable to others. While he's interested in how I might feel about something or what I'm going to do, if it's just chatting about someone he has no interest in, or does not impact me (or us) in anyway, then he will tell me straight that I'm losing his attention / not particularly interested in those aspects. This works for me, as I'd rather know that than be banging on about something and have his eyes start glazing over. It goes both ways, too. Granted, it doesn't happen that often, as part of being together is learning about yourself and your spouse. We're also different in that I value the details, whereas he doesn't. He values asking questions which propels the conversation. My communication style is prone to being like a Tarantino movie in terms of time-line. His is more linear. Our dynamic is agreeable to us, wouldn't necessarily suit others.



Hopeful4905 said:


> In our current awful political climate he's taken to ranting about all the terrible things that are happening. It's depressing and while I can listen to it for a short time, eventually I've had enough because it's completely unproductive. Unfortunately we cannot relate on those issues which makes it tense. How's that for things to be resentful about? The hard thing is that I know I must take some of the blame. I feel resentful and feel like I'm not getting what I need from our relationship. I thought marriage would be different than this. As a result I find it very hard to give of myself. Maybe he feels that I'm not supportive or not affectionate. I don't know because he doesn't tell me anything. I guess I'm afraid that if I bring all this up, he'll turn all the blame on me and say we should give up. I know I'm being a coward. But I have no real experience in this.


Is there a chance in those 'rants' to ask him what he feels he (or you as a couple) can do for yourselves/community? This is where within our dynamic, one of us would be telling the other that we feel it's unproductive and depressing so where to from there. I'm not really sure what to suggest. However, I am interested in what you thought marriage would be like... and if your relationship was like that prior?

You feel resentful and don't want to bring up that you're not getting what you need. And yet, you feel that he doesn't tell you anything. Sounds almost one and the same to me. Continue as you are, and the relationship is likely to implode. Basically, what have you got to lose by expressing yourself openly? And I'd also add that if you can come from a place of remembering that you're on the same team, rather than a defensive-blame position, you may have better 'success' in terms of understanding one another.


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## Diana7

Do you have hobbies? Interests? Can you arrange things to do together at the weekends? Do you like holidays together? Weekends away?


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## heartsbeating

Hopeful4905 said:


> Thank you for your comments. Actually we do have times where we can enjoy talking, but it seems to happen increasingly infrequently. I think right now I'm feeling hurt over his comment that we "have nothing to talk about". Ugh! Very frustrating!


Okay, so you can feel hurt about it ...and then you can do something about it.

It could be suggesting that connecting through conversation with him is something that you value, and so to ignite something to share and talk about, perhaps suggest you both listen to a podcast or something... just an idea to get your creative juices flowing from here.


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## heartsbeating

Hopeful4905 said:


> But I have no real experience in this.


I mentioned that I'm more about details.. and so I'm back already.  This comment you wrote had me thinking that you must have experience in communicating with people in general. Friendships, family, work colleagues. All of those interactions inform, shape, and revise who we are and how we navigate through the world. Therefore, this could be a good opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and your husband. I do agree with the suggestion about finding a common interest, and also having your own interest to share and discuss - beyond work.

The way that I am now is a direct result of my relationship and the speed-bumps we have experienced together and does overflow to other aspects of life, including with work. A while back, sharing a work scenario with someone who coaches about leadership, I was asked how/where I learned to know what I did in managing a certain scenario. My answer was essentially... being married... and being married to someone who isn't a 'yes' man. What I learn about myself within our dynamic influenced how I navigated that in terms of relaying back what I understood, what to focus on, asking certain questions, being open, and with the intention of providing support. Aspects that may sound simple in type, yet for me, has been years in the learning. I think with trust, time, and commitment, there can be so much benefit of what we can learn through our close relationships with others; and whereby long-term relationships / marriage are significant.


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## ccpowerslave

Stuff we talked about yesterday:

What time she went to bed
Did she finish her work she stayed up for
Did she like lunch (poke bowl)
Why is the weather girl’s skirt so short?
Who is the ugliest weather person on our local news channel and why? We disagreed.
If it warms up 5 degrees this weekend is that too hot? Again disagreement.
Manhunt for the guy who killed that girl in Florida. Wife says he is dead.
Are tacos ok for dinner (yes)
Immigration politics
Covid 19 politics
The houses being built near us, one I told her the gossip about it from neighbors who are mad/jealous
Which way we should walk, and if we will be behind any dogs that have to take a dump if we go a certain way. Which is worse, a dog that poos in front of you or one that urinates?
Why the new pans I ordered still haven’t arrived and how much better Amazon is
How screwed up the new “Cherry Flavor” show is on Netflix and guessing the ending
Which architect is more annoying on another show we’re watching, and which I’d want to hit in the face first
How my mountain bike ride went, how many people were out there
Why did such and so band cancel their US tour this fall and is Covid the real reason or poor ticket sales?
Why is mutual friend at baseball game?
Why are other friends going to a baseball game?
Is baseball boring?
I have a haircut tomorrow at an annoying time, will she come downtown? Will we walk after? Does she want to go to the store with me? Will she want dinner rolls to go with pork chops?
What did the cat do today? This is usually good for some stories.

That is just one day where we both worked ~12 hours.


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## Sfort

Hopeful4905 said:


> In our current awful political climate he's taken to ranting about all the terrible things that are happening. It's depressing and while I can listen to it for a short time, eventually I've had enough because it's completely unproductive.


It sounds like you're a liberal and he's a conservative, or it may be the other way around. If that's true, you have a serious problem. Liberals and conservatives are oil and water.


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## Hiner112

Sfort said:


> It sounds like you're a liberal and he's a conservative, or it may be the other way around. If that's true, you have a serious problem. Liberals and conservatives are oil and water.


If all you can think about is politics and you are confrontational about it. If you take your cue about how to treat each other and express your opinions from the worst of politicians, then you won't be able to get along with anyone with any kind of different opinion. It does kind of sound like the husband is one of "those people".


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## This too shell pass

Hopeful4905 said:


> Hello. I'm very new to this and have never posted on any kind of discussion forum. I've been married for over ten years now and it seems that we never have any meaningful communication any longer. I know there are a lot of reasons for it but I have no idea how to break out of this box that we've gotten into. We got married later than most, with both of us being in our 40's. No children. No previous marriages. Both of us used to being completely independent. I know part of my difficulty is that I'm harboring some resentments but I'm terrified to talk to him about it because I'm afraid of what it will lead to. Tonight when we spoke by phone, he commented that we really don't have anything to talk about. That made me so sad and sick to my stomach. What do other married couples talk about? Especially when there are no kids in the mix? What do you talk about after you've discussed each other's day and any of the other daily to-do's? What's normal? This feels pathetic, but I'm really curious. All of my other friends are married with kids, so everything focuses on them for the most part. Your thoughts would be appreciated.


 Hi it may help if you talk about what you want for yourself in the future and hear his thoughts. you want to make sure he has an idea of who you are and where you are going and see if he wants that same thing. Letting him paint a picture of how hw sees your life going forward will help you make your next move.


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## married54yrs

I like the list of topics that ccpowerslave gave you; yea, every marriage has all that stuff going on, and it's part of the 'conversation.' My wife and I are old and retired, so we have a lot of time at the b'fast table to talk, and we do; of course, not always; this a.m. we just watched the rain falling. It was relaxing and therapeutic for us. Other days we have different kinds of conversation, like when we tried to describe our love for each other. But after 54 years of marriage, we still couldn’t adequately describe it. We are sure that it is a lot of things; SOME of these are:

Wanting to spend time with the other
Sacrificing yourself for the welfare of the other
Accepting both help & correction from the other
Forgiving the other (and yourself) over and over
Valuing what the other values
Finding joy and comfort in the other
Trusting the other to love you
Letting yourself be vulnerable to the other, and
Letting the other accept both your weaknesses and strengths.

We probably can’t give a complete description or explanation of our love for each other. We can say that our love today is far beyond the loving feelings that we experienced as a young married couple. We have never ‘fallen out of love,’ but there have been plenty of times when we didn’t feel loving toward each other. Talking to each other was a BIG part of our love journey. Sometimes wife had to cajole and even 'force' me to talk, especially when I was tired or distracted. So...you guys have PLENTY to talk about, just keep talking. It's all important.


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