# Separated and OK



## FindingMe (Feb 17, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for just under a year. We have had some troubles since before our wedding but decided to go to a counselor and work things out and go through with the wedding. Things seemed to get better for a while but the same problem tends to keep reoccurring. I want him to be more attentive to my emotions and for us to build a strong emotional connection with each other. His excuse each time I say this is that he knows what he needs to do, but has no idea how to go about doing it. He won't seek advice from others, he won't do any research, he won't talk to me about it. So nothing ends up getting done. I usually just forget it and go back to letting things build up again (at which time he believes me to be happy and that all is well).

Things have been going fine for the past few months (since our last argument) but we got into an argument over something small on Valentine's Day and I began thinking about how unhappy I was and had been in our marriage. This led me to tell him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay in the marriage. I won't say that he is the one with all of the issues but he is very emotionally distant. I've told him this many times before, that I want to feel a deeper connection to him, but he can't get past the idea that this means cleaning out the toilet or doing the dishes. He simply does not understand how to connect with me. Maybe I am aiming too high here. Maybe we will never have that connection because he is just a very introverted type of person. Maybe my standards are just out of this world. But, as much as he says it, I just don't feel like he truly loves me.

My husband is a good man. He works hard and is very good to me. But I just don't feel the type of connection to him that I want in life. I know that you have to work on keeping the love alive but I'm not sure it was ever completely there. I do care about him but I really don't feel like I love him very much anymore. I feel SO awful for having these thoughts. I know I will be letting down his family and mine, I am breaking his heart, and we will both have to start over completely as divorced people. 

We talked on Monday and I was very honest with him about my feelings even though I knew it would hurt him, I did not want to hold back. He said that this was a complete shock to him, which, by reading some of the posts on here, I can tell is how most men see this situation. It's like they aren't even close enough to their wives to tell when something is wrong. Or they just ignore it if they think there is a problem. This tends to be my husband's form of dealing with the issue. He says that he wants to avoid confrontation, or making me angry or upset. But really I need to go through things with him in order to feel closer. Even if it does turn into an argument.

He decided for us to separate for a while so that we can clear our minds and try to figure out what needs to be done. Since he has been gone, I have felt very weird, but I know that is just part of the change. But I also feel like I am ready to move forward. I feel like a burden has been lifted, like finally I can move on with what I want to accomplish in life.

I haven't told anyone save a close friend. I'm so scared of letting down my family even though I know that I should just be considering myself right now. I am just really struggling with having to face the consequences of leaving him and getting a divorce. I think, in my mind, I am ready to move on, but I am having a hard time following through with the deed. I know that I should just be honest with him and not lead him on. But I want him to fight for me. I want to feel like I am important to him. I also feel really selfish for feeling that way. But I know that I deserve it. I just don't know if he can give it to me. 

And I'm beginning to feel like I worked hard in college and at life to get to a certain point but now I am back tracking by staying with him. Everything just came to a screeching halt after we got married and I am still ready to keep moving. But he says that he is comfortable where he is. Is it possible that we are just on different roads and aren't really meant to be together? I am struggling so much with making this decision. My mother keeps telling me that I have found a good man and that I should just deal with all of the small things and, basically, keep my mouth shut but I just don't think I can do it anymore. Any advice or words of wisdom would be so greatly appreciated right now.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Sorry you feel this way. I hope things get better for both of you.

Can you clarify something? You say you want him to "fight for you". Yet everything I've read (and tried) on these boards seems to say that when a woman is in your position, "fighting for her" or pursuing her is not going to get a man anywhere. Please explain your comment this further if you can.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Findingme,

It could be my situation biasing my response here but I just don't feel for you. 

You are manipulating him to "test his resolve" and your mother is right. She should basically be calling you a spoiled brat but she's biting her tongue saying you probably don't know how good you have it.

Something is very wrong with my generation (X)'s women in that, you, like my stb-x, feel incredibly entitled to have it all and have it all right away - in your case. . .that you can't have some sort of emotional connection grow as time passes and as love deepens. Or because you went to college, you should have x, y, and z (sounds like my stb-x almost exactly).

Boo hoo.

Who cares if you worked hard in college? Isnt' that what you are supposed to do?

What do you think your reward is supposed to be? A B.A.? Or an Mrs.?

Do what you may. . .you get no sympathy from me. 

What you did to him was wrong. You want absolution. . .go to a priest.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Sorry but I have to agree with Scanner. I gave a lot of my life and money to my stb-x who didn't have anything when we got together. I have worked myself to the bone and she has an issue with me. She is the one who has ruined our marriage and she is the one trying to "move on with life". When I have been using up my life to make a better future for her. If you got a good man who loves you , cares for you , comes home to you , and doesn't hurt you ; then you got a good man.


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## Nice Guys Finish Last (Jan 4, 2010)

hi finding me, you sound very similar like my wife who just left me on the same grounds. if you want your man to fight for you, do it while you are together, and make sure he knows it when he can do it. In my case, my wife gave up on me, on us before I had that chance. Her mind was already made up to leave. I'm still in shock and pain, but Im a good guy and I know that in time she will realize that she messed up royally. i truly love/loved her and I dont even know if she knew it. She just thinks that I am incapable of connecting to her emotionally. I guess that was her main problem with me.

All i can say is listen to your mother to a certain extent, and be certain to live by your decision, do not lead your Husband on. If you are ready to walk away, its final, even if its a 'temporary' situation, it will have irreversible consequenses. I'm in a strange place now due to her actions and I dont even know if I would go back to her at this point because of her actions.


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## FindingMe (Feb 17, 2010)

Scannerguard, I'm sorry that you are on the receiving end of "boo hooing" such as mine. I can only imagine how hard it is for you, and for my husband. I do realize that I am being pretty selfish here and I guess that could be argued since I feel like what I am doing will essentially make me and him happier. 

We have come to a point where he is afraid to do or say anything on his own because he wants to avoid an argument or confrontation. I'm sure that some would disagree but from every experience I've had, this trait is not a good one to have. Even the company that he works for told him that he needed to be more aggressive about his work. I just really think that it is a personality flaw. Some will agree, and some won't. But that is my opinion. He has forced me to be the dominant person in the relationship when I only want someone who I feel equal with. I'm not really sure why he is afraid of the confrontation, I guess just because it is uncomfortable for everyone but avoidance is definitely NOT the key to having a successful relationship (again, my opinion).

After going to college for 6-8 years and working towards a higher education I do expect to reap the benefits of my hard work. And, in turn, I would like for my significant other to be just as driven and hard working as opposed to someone who is totally passive and takes whatever hand is dealt to them. I'm sure that not everyone will agree, once again, that is my opinion. 

I think that you are dealing with someone who shares my opinions and that doesn't make me and her bad people, it just means that we all have different opinions about what we should or shouldn't have in life.

I certainly don't think that it's wrong to want to feel deeply connected to your spouse. My mother's mentality is very passive as well so when she tells me to just sit back and not do anything about it, it frustrates me even more because that is not how I want to live my life. 

I'm sure that if you ask the victim of any breakup if what the other person did was wrong, they will say yes but, in the end, it's all about doing what you think is right for the situation in the long run.

I'm sorry that we are in disagreeance here and I'm sorry that you feel like your soon to be ex is doing you wrong. I hope that you will find out that the situation has only made you both happier and stronger in the long run. good luck.


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