# Do kids get mad at the parent who caused the divorce by cheating.



## Nasman (Dec 15, 2019)

My kids are 12 and 10 and I pretty much was honest with them and told them that me and their mother got divorced because she cheated on me. It has been a year and my kids don't seem to hold any ill will toward their mother. Is this normal?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I would be careful if I were you because what It sounds like is you WANT the kids to be angry with her. Despite whatever happened.... that woman is still their mother.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do you want them to be mad with her? She is still their mother regardless of what happened between you two.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do not agree with the general sentiment of "she is still their mother" - she did not behave like a mother and you certainly do not want them to grow up thinking that what she did was OK. At some stage they need to understand (really understand) what she did and the repercussions. They then also need to form an appropriate opinion of her - they should see her "good" points as well as her "bad" ones. However ... they are still young and view her as the only mother they know.

I suspect that since they are still young, they are not in a position to fully understand what she did and maybe that is OK for now. You certainly do not want them growing up with any resentment towards you for driving her away or breaking up the family. So ... I think that it is right that you explain that she did something wrong (simply saying she cheated might not make any sense to them at this stage) and hurt you. You may want to add that by doing what she did, she also hurt the family. However, you do need to also add that she loves them (if, and only if, that is demonstrably the case).


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

some kids will and some will not get mad
girls tend to go protect mode for their dad when the mom cheated
younger the kid less likely to get mad, older will take sides
some get mad, some forgive, some will not forgive


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

They have probably been closer to her than you. They see her as loving person, loving mother who is always there for them. Have you been a good husband to her? Did you fight with her in front of the kids? 
Were you close to your kids? 
Depends on the kids. For instance my son doesn’t have any negative reactions when I tell him what if daddy and I don’t live together anymore.
Actually he is very understanding and agrees with me. He knows his daddy is not an easy person to live with. My daughter is younger, even though she feels the same about her dad, still doesn’t want us to separate. She is very sensitive. But if there is cheating, I am not sure how they will react.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

They are too young to fully appreciate the enormity of her actions. Don't dump adult problems onto kids - they are not mentally nor emotionally prepared to deal with them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My kids are about the same ages, and I have a younger one. Their mom cheated and we're not divorced but it has caused a boatload of problems (separations, fighting, etc). Early on I sat down with my two older kids and explained what happened and that their mom cheated, in an age-appropriate way. 

You should not be dumping adult problems onto the kids, nor expecting them to understand adult problems. You certainly should not be telling them information like this to try and turn them on their mother and it seems like that's what you were hoping for. I told my kids because they needed to know what was going on.

My kids reactions are irrelevant because other things were going on that also blew up their relationship with their mom. But, their therapists said it's common for children to start hating or alienate the cheating parent as they get older and can comprehend what actually happened. Right now your kids are too young to really understand it, when they are teenagers or early 20's that could change.

You really don't want it to though. That is still their mother.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nasman said:


> My kids are 12 and 10 and I pretty much was honest with them and told them that me and their mother got divorced because she cheated on me. It has been a year and my kids don't seem to hold any ill will toward their mother. Is this normal?


Completely normal. 

How much ill will are you holding onto?

There has always been a cadre of folks here that believe as part of the process of exposure, disclosure, bursting the bubble of an affair, and shaming their wayward partner, that EVERYONE should know the grisly details in an effort to sabotage, poison the well, and light a fire under karma, with TNT. Including kids.

I would remind those people that their core and fundamental role as a parent is to act as a firewall from any undo harm done to your children. Particularly by either parent. You are a guardian, a role model and a mentor. 
My ex-wife and I have never, ever, wavered on co-parenting. The marriage went south, hard. My ex did choose to have an affair. But all of that is way, way, in the rear view mirror. She is an amazing mother to our kids. I also happen to be an amazing father. It's true ... my kids say so. Then I take them for ice cream.

My wife's ex is a recovering alcoholic. Not something I think needs to be disclosed to his 11 year old. She adores him. And again, he is an excellent parent to her. But ... he wasn't a great husband.

My point being; whatever catastrophic issues contributed to the end of the marriage needn't, and should not factor into how you both raise your children. With one important caveat. That whatever the issue, or character 'flaw' was that torpedoed the marriage does NOT factor into how that person parents their children NOW. Such as abuse, addiction, mental illness, etc.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

First let me say that there are no cut and dried reactions to divorce. Every psyche deals with it in their own way. Kids, to say the least are malleable. Now, given their ages, I would say that the impact of this is really not understood. They have no frame of reference other than possible anecdotal reactions from their friendship circle. I would say that they are more likely to queston more later. Both are pre pubescent, and have significant development ahead of them. This is more than likely a conversation that will not take place for likely five or more years. By then, however, they will have absorbed conflicting accounts from both you and your ex. They will at some point have a full account. It will likely be a hybrid of yours and your ex's story. Perspective is all.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sorry to hear about your situation. While it's important for your kids to be aware that you will be divorcing for obvious reasons, I don't think it was the best decision to tell them the REASON for the divorce. At least not at their ages. If they were older/adults, then maybe, but it's way too young for them to know the reason. Too late now, but don't encourage them to hate their mother...they shouldn't even be involved at all.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You've been honest w/ them and it sounds like they are coping w/ a hard situation well. That is good news.

As for whether they should blame anyone or not, they're just kids, don't expect that of them. 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry w/ her, I'm saying you mustn't recruit them for your cause. If they bring it up, that's different and you can discuss it more.

Be the adult, put their well-being in a difficult situation ahead of any desire to be validated. Not only is it best for them, but when they mature they will probably respect you for it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So you may want to fully document the whole cheating/divorce process with timelines. Once the kids are older, as others have suggested, they may want a full accounting and you may not remember all the details at that point.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I chose to divorce when my kids were around these ages. They knew I wanted the divorce and their father did not. They definitely were not happy with me, but were still respectful and loving. 

It was much harder on the youngest. She clung to her father to give him emotional support. This was/is still difficult because it is not a child’s place to do that. Couple that with the fact that the reason for the divorce was that I finally realized, no matter how much emotional support I could give him, it would *never *be enough to help his depression and anxiety. So I knew our youngest couldn’t give him what he needed. No one can. I would beg him in private to not load her down with his anxiety’s. DD2 still is very close to her dad. Actually both of them are, which is wonderful. I also have a great relationship with them both. My hubby and I have a good relationship with him too.

Will they ever fully forgive me for leaving and messing up their childhood? Only time will tell. Thus far, time has made great improvements.

My advice...you told them she cheated. They now know that, do not keep bringing it up. If you choose to talk about her to your kids, focus on her good qualities and compliment those. It will benefit all of you to treat each other with kindness and respect.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

When the divorce starts, the competition starts. Parents start using the kids as pawns (or just one parent does). They start alienating the other parent by badmouthing each other to the kids (or just one parent does). They start telling the kids things that kids have no business knowing (or just one parent does). The parents get jealous of the other's relationship with the kids (or just one parent does). The parents start trying to one-up each other to become the kids' favorite parent (or just one parent does).

It's all just so ridiculous....when what each parent should want is their kids' happiness and their mental/emotional wellbeing. The only way to accomplish that is to provide a stable and supportive environment. Parents can still do this even if they are separated or divorced.

Kids may or may not take sides. They may or may not get mad at the cheater parent. There are no statistics on the subject because they are equally as likely to get mad at the betrayed parent for not forgiving the wayward parent. So they just as easily hate the betrayed because they see that parent as the one who turned their world upside down and causing the divorce by not being able to forgive. The reason is the fear of their world changing so drastically. They want mom and dad at home with them. It's not a matter of having an opinion about cheating or the parent who cheated. Your kids are too young for that kind of emotional investment.

I know it's normal for a betrayed spouse to want everyone else to dislike/hate/blame the wayward spouse - mutual friends, family, and the kids. When other people don't, it feels like another betrayal, like they are not on YOUR side when you think they should take sides. But, the only thing accomplished by wanting or making the kids angry with mom is you create anger and anxiety at home for them. But they only have one mom and one dad. No one else can replace those two people in their lives. Who else can be mom for them then? Who can love them as only the woman who gave them life can? Who else is there for them to love in that capacity? Who else can they depend on to be the person in mom as they have done their entire lives? Cloning isn't available to the masses yet, and no stepmother you think you can provide will replace their mother. Neither parent should want the kids angry with the other. The best practice is to love your kids more than you hate your ex. I know it's not easy to do that, but think lovingly for them when you're angry with their mother.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some do. Often depends on how the other parent handles it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know nothing makes a judge madder than when adults drag their children into their adult problems. It's not good parenting to do so. It places an unfair burden on them.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

My oldest won't talk to her mother. My middle was mad at first then got over it. My youngest doesn't understand


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Deejo said:


> Completely normal.
> 
> How much ill will are you holding onto?
> 
> ...


children need to be told truth. being told the truth does not mean grizzly details.

married people do not have BF/GF and go on dates with them.
when doing that it is known as cheating, having an affair, or infidelity.
well mom has a BF and is dating him.
the OM name is *____*.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I do not agree with the general sentiment of "she is still their mother" - she did not behave like a mother and you certainly do not want them to grow up thinking that what she did was OK. At some stage they need to understand (really understand) what she did and the repercussions. They then also need to form an appropriate opinion of her - they should see her "good" points as well as her "bad" ones. However ... they are still young and view her as the only mother they know.
> 
> I suspect that since they are still young, they are not in a position to fully understand what she did and maybe that is OK for now. You certainly do not want them growing up with any resentment towards you for driving her away or breaking up the family. So ... I think that it is right that you explain that she did something wrong (simply saying she cheated might not make any sense to them at this stage) and hurt you. You may want to add that by doing what she did, she also hurt the family. However, you do need to also add that she loves them (if, and only if, that is demonstrably the case).


Well let me speak from experience. Demonizing a mother regardless of what she has done is not the way to go. The kids (when they are old enough) should be told the truth and then it is up to them whether they want a relationship with their mother or not. No one parent should make that decision unless the child's well being is truly at stake. This happened to me and I only got to know my mother in my adulthood and all the BS stories I was fed by my father's family were ****e. Everyone hid everything and refused to tell me and my sibling even when we were older.
I got her side of the facts and he was no angel either, in fact he was the main problem and knowing him I can well believe it. I don't have a relationship with either of them now because of how things were handled. It is a shame, cause they are not bad people but they hated one another. Hate and acrimony does nothing for the children, the just grow up bereft and lost. Tell the children the truth when they are older, if you are capable of objectivity be objective, own your part of the story too.


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## DavidR1968 (Jun 24, 2020)

My two daughters are mad as he!! at their mother for cheating on me. My son is apathetic.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My son isn't necessarily angry with his father for the infidelity that broke up our marriage. But he is also under no illusions about who his father really is. Our son is 20 now and was 13 when we divorced. I've never lied to our son about our marriage or our divorce and the reasons for it. But, I also have _never_ over-shared, bad-mouthed his father, or made any moves to sabotage their relationship. 

I wouldn't say the two are "close" in a meaningful way. My ex-husband isn't really capable of being emotionally close to anyone. He's too deeply self-centered. But, the two of them get along well enough and our son enjoys spending time with his father sometimes. My ex-husband can be loads of fun, as long as everything is just to suit him. Sometimes, though, our son has had enough of his father's true nature and needs space. It's, honestly, about the relationship you'd expect between a young man and a father with something approaching a personality disorder. They're family, they love each other, but it's often a strained relationship.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

aine said:


> Well let me speak from experience. Demonizing a mother regardless of what she has done is not the way to go. The kids (when they are old enough) should be told the truth and then it is up to them whether they want a relationship with their mother or not. No one parent should make that decision unless the child's well being is truly at stake. This happened to me and I only got to know my mother in my adulthood and all the BS stories I was fed by my father's family were ****e. Everyone hid everything and refused to tell me and my sibling even when we were older.
> I got her side of the facts and he was no angel either, in fact he was the main problem and knowing him I can well believe it. I don't have a relationship with either of them now because of how things were handled. It is a shame, cause they are not bad people but they hated one another. Hate and acrimony does nothing for the children, the just grow up bereft and lost. Tell the children the truth when they are older, if you are capable of objectivity be objective, own your part of the story too.


children need the truth.
without the truth children will assume the blame that if they were a better child
their family would not be getting divorced. this happens all too often.


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## Vanicky (Jul 22, 2020)

Nasman said:


> My kids are 12 and 10 and I pretty much was honest with them and told them that me and their mother got divorced because she cheated on me. It has been a year and my kids don't seem to hold any ill will toward their mother. Is this normal?


My 18 year old daughter won‘t speak to her father. He ran away from home to have sex with women from a dating site. He denied it but she knew the truth.

She’s more angry over the lie then the infidelity, although she’s plenty angry about that as well.

i think it depends on the age of the children, the relationship with the parent, and their understanding of what broke the marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Nasman said:


> My kids are 12 and 10 and I pretty much was honest with them and told them that me and their mother got divorced because she cheated on me. It has been a year and my kids don't seem to hold any ill will toward their mother. Is this normal?


I was very mad at my Dad when I found out he cheated. My Mom didn't volunteer it but when I was old enough to understand I asked and she told me. I am so glad she was wise enough to wait until I was emotionally mature enough to be able to really understand. It was a good thing for my emotional development in the end. Still I write here all the time that I am very close with my Dad now and he is very likely my best friend. It took a while but I learned to accept him and love him for what he is. It doesn't mean that don't I think what he did to my Mom was a terrible thing or I don't have sympathy for her. He was a terrible husband. He lost my respect or any kind of influence when it comes to discussions about marriage. But considering both my parents choices, my Dad's cheating and my Mom's choice of my step father I pretty much tried to do the opposite.

Look when it came to me he was a great father, except for the cheating. A big deal but in the end I don't think the divorce affected me that much, if anything I think it was actually a blessing in some ways. Also he cheated and then told my Mom like the next day, he didn't keep it secret. He soon left but she wasn't having it either. So it was more of an exit affair then a long drawn out deception. My Dad doesn't do lies to much if at all, he says take me or leave me. So I think that is healthier. The cheating isn't.

First of all they are way too young to appreciate the emotional turmoil of what you went through. I didn't understand it really on an emotional level until I was cheated on. I got it then though. I have tremendous respect for my Mom and how she handled it. I don't think you should look for your kids to pick sides anyway. It's not healthy besides you should want your kids to have a good relationship with their mother. I think the best you can hope for is for them to empathize with your pain an acknowledge what their Mom did was wrong.


You should try to move on to better then you won't care so much. As a wife she can be an asshole and still be a good Mom for the most part, after the cheating.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Thought I responded to this, guess I maybe didn't or hit something. 

Anyway, yes. I was infuriated. I was also 20. So...probably older than when most kids discover this crap. 

So when I found out dad cheated, our relationship soured, and we would yell at each other, hit each other, had a few very physical fights, it was very ugly. 

The relationship was very confusing in the following years, and still is to some extent. 

As for when I found out mom cheated, and I was the proof, I was again, enraged. I kept this rage hidden for a few years until I had finished college, got a job, had my own place, and self-sufficient. Then I invited her out somewhere, and made a point to publicly embarrass her in a restaurant. 
I am almost certain I am probably banned from that place for life. But it made me feel good to embarrass her. In hindsight, I should've waited until maybe the Holidays and placed the DNA test results in the windshields of family members' cars when they come up. And found some way to let the siblings know. They'd be collateral damage at this point. But I didn't. I was too angry and hot-headed at the time. 

So...the answer to the question is a resounding yes.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

They might get angrier when they're older and have more of an understanding of what that means. Especially if they get cheated on themselves or at least a bird's eye view. 10 and 12 is kind of young to grasp the severity of cheating.


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