# Very complicated situation.



## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

Sorry this is so long.

This is going to have a few parts to it.

1. My wife and I have been having many problems for many years. We were together for 6 years and married for 1.5 of those years. We just had our son in october. Shortly after he was born my wife tried to commit suicide and has since confessed to cheating on me with one of my close friends. I have confronted the "friend" and since cut off all contact with him. Me and her are no longer living together and are attempting to get a disolution of marriage. This is still in the process. She met another man while she was sill pregnant and has since began a relationship with him. I am moving on with my life and i think i have come to terms with all that has happened.

2. During all that was happening i began talking to a close friend of ours that is married. She helped me deal with everything and we have become very close. She has recently told me that she is having problems with her husband and is to the point she wishes to leave him. They have a daughter who was born around the same time as our son. 

3. This friend and i have both admitted to each other that we have strong feelings for one another and wish to start a relationship once everything is said and done with both of our divorces. Several of our friends and family know what is going on and are supporting us. Up to this point nothing has happened between us. We have spent some time together alone witch she has not told her husband about( just talking about everything). Recently we both almost lost control of our feelings and almost slipped up. We stopped our selves and i told her that we should no longer spend time alone together until she is seperated. 

My questions are....

1. Should i feel guilty about what is happening? I have conflicting feelings about the situation.

2. Is it ok for us to attempt a relationship once she moves out and is sepparated?

3. My soon to be ex-wife knows what is going on and is ok with it. Her husband does not know yet, we plan on telling him after she moves out. Should i be worried about problems with Divorce on my side or her side?

4.What are your opinions on the situation?

5. Any advice is welcome.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I could be wrong here. But it seems to me you both are moving too fast. I personally would want to put the divorce behind me before starting another relationship.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

WOW! Alot going on here, it made my head spin.

If I were in your shoes, I'd definitely cool it until the other person is separated WITH the legal documentation. Then you can date, and do what you want.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To answer your questions...

1. At a minimum, you're the "Other Man" in an emotional affair with that other woman. So yes, that would be wrong by most definitions. Even if you and your wife aren't going to get back together.

2. Not for me to judge whether you should or shouldn't continue a relationship. But recognize that the odds of a successful relationship that's spawned from an affair are pretty low. And now there's kids involved and stuff...

3. You should talk to a lawyer about the impact. You should also recognize that if her husband realizes that you've had something going on prior to her leaving him, it's likely to make for a messy divorce. And no matter what, they're tied together with a child for a long time.

4. My opinions... You've got two post-partum women involved, two very young kids, and a very messy situation that's likely to be painful for everyone involved. Start documenting the events in a diary or journal, and maybe the screenplay can pay for the therapy and legal bills.

C


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Congrats,

You are officially the OM in that is part of of breaking up your"friends" marriage and the family that her daughter belongs in.

Perhaps you should sit down with the daughter and ask his she would like if her mommy ended her family and left her daddy for you.

Sorry,I can't find any energy to help you find a nice guilt free way to break up another famiky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yolanda_fan (Jan 12, 2012)

It sounds as if you and your friend are a good support system for one another, since you're both going through similar situations. It's natural for feelings of attraction to develop, but the feelings don't necessarily mean you should be together. Ask yourself if this is someone you would have pursued a relationship with had you not been having problems in your marriage (and she in hers).

I agree with other posters who recommend that you slow down and don't move ahead with a relationship right now. You don't want to lose a friend.


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## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

Wow shaggy, For you to tell me i am breaking up a marriage with my actions, makes me wonder what the hell happened to make you so bitter. I am not looking for a guilt free way to do this. I am looking for the mature adult way to do this. I have made the rite decisions so far and stopped it before it turned into anything. 

Any person who has had feelings for someone knows you can not just turn them off. I am looking on advice on how to deal with this situation. 

My presence has little impact on the fact that her husband is a lazy ass that is essentially another child for her to take care of. She is leaving him because she is the only adult in the relationship.

If you can not speak to me like a mature adult then please do not leave your comments.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Huh.

Try ending your relationship(s) before pursuing any new ones. The divorce needs to be final, I would think. 

And, like it or not... you ARE playing a role in splitting up a family.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Ya know... having no experience in these matters, Im begging you.. dont take any advice from me.

But.

Seems to me that your new friend recently confided in you her new found problems with her husband after the 2 of you had become emotionally involved.

I would put the clamps on it hard, and now - if you have the ability to do so. I give you a tiny bit of credit for not going 'too far' once, but really - you have gone too far already. Once you are both unattached - if indeed that ever happens - and hopefully it wont - then this becomes a different story.

I am sort of with Shaggy on this. Hard as it may sound - on cold reflection thats the truth. Bitterness isnt part of the equation - but awareness of the ramifications of your involvement in that situation is. The little justifications dont matter, and being the 'other man' does. 

wow, friend. Good luck. I suggest running for the hills like your hair was on fire, and taking 6 months to get your head together before making another move. I hope you find the courage to do exactly that. Rationalizing that 'it is happening anyway' is only that: rationalizing. The 'mature adult way to do this' - the thing you seek - is to step aside, and firmly - that includes yes - shutting her off.

just adding my vote.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

CJP…I’m somewhat in your shoes or was…my wife and I have been struggling with our marriage and a separation is on the table…

Like you I developed a friendship with a close friend of my wife’s…and I started confiding in her and she would also tell me things like how screwed up my life is living my a controlling, unemotional, belittling wife…her and her husband have witnessed numerous times how my wife treats me…and my wife confides in her…

We’ll we’ve both have developed feelings for each other…and it hinders my judgment, b/c now my wife doesn’t want a separation, yet she wants to remain roommates (another story)…

The issue for you and me…boundaries…we both lack boundaries and we both as men should discuss our relationship issues with other men and not women (other than therapists)…


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Congrats,
> 
> You are officially the OM in that is part of of breaking up your"friends" marriage and the family that her daughter belongs in.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Your are in an emotional affair with another man's wife. His wife is cheating on him with you behind his back. She is now willing to leave him for you and he never had a chance because you both were dishonest and he trusted his wife. Just because your wife is a cheat does not give you the right to step into another man's marraige and break-up a family. All marriages have ups and downs. You took advantage of the down in their marriage. If you were not there she might have made more of an effort to work it out. You do not feel the least bit of guilt, but you should. You are a selfish OM.

Your first wife is a cheat. And your new girlfriend is too. Your last marriage only last 1.5 years. Wonder how long this one will last before one of you cheat; but I am sure for a good reason like one of you will be lazy and will deserve to be cheated on, NOT.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> Wow shaggy, For you to tell me i am breaking up a marriage with my actions, makes me wonder what the hell happened to make you so bitter. I am not looking for a guilt free way to do this. I am looking for the mature adult way to do this. I have made the rite decisions so far and stopped it before it turned into anything.
> 
> Any person who has had feelings for someone knows you can not just turn them off. I am looking on advice on how to deal with this situation.
> 
> ...


That's the way TAM works people say what they think not what you want to hear. You shouldn't be with her. She is not yours. You need to get out of her life so she can decide if she really wants out of her marriage. That is the mature thing to do.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You mention that your friend says her husband is a lazy ass. I doubt that you know the whole story. I am sure if you talked to him you would find out some not too flattering things about the woman you are getting involved with. 

You think you have done well because you haven't gotten physical with her. But you are involved in an emotional affair. I think that is just as bad if not worse. I think I could get over my wife having meaningless sex with someone easier than her telling me she was in love with someone else.

My advice is to break it off with this woman. Let her decide about her leaving her family without you in the picture,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idknemore (Jan 26, 2012)

I say wait until both divorces are done. Do not take any chances of ruining any factors for either one of you. I mean by this in some states if a spouse can prove cheating than the spouse gets everything. My sister went through this and lost her children. remember your both in a or was in a relationship for awhile, so its natural you would connect on levels you have but so neither is hurt sit back relax and slowly let everything work into place. Do not rush things most people you come across after ending a year or so relationship with be rebounds and that leads to more hurt than the other relationship was. But I see nothing wrong with your feelings or hers but for the sake of non guilt just talk over the phone and have a lunch or two until all divorces are done.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Idknnemore. Do you realize you are telling this guy to go to lunch with a married woman? He has admitted that they are having an EA! Do you condone this type of behavior? You encourage it?

I say no lunches, no phone calls, no relationship. If her marriage is going to die, let it die without the OPs involvement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

OMG
You are truly ruining a marriage and justifying it, along with her.

Ask yourself this with what you have gone through with your current wife

Do you really want to mess around and put effort into a relationship with a women keeping a secret LOVE AFFAIR from her husband.

I don't think it matters how crappy her relationship with him is.

She is LYING and CHEATING on her HUSBAND!

Keep that in mind as you decide what to do.

(btw, big whoop you and she have feelings for each other. There are other women you could have feelings for if you cut her out.)


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## idknemore (Jan 26, 2012)

EA is so not the same as phyiscal cheating. And if they are friends before all the bs with their marriages then why not have lunch or talk over the phone. Nothing worng with it. Plus it gives them time to know more about each other before they jump in the sack and end up like they are now only with each other. People are going to cheat and have friend reguardless of what anyone says or does but going about it in a better way that can either lead to success for them or failure for them is up to them. Its better to know everything your getting into before you jump the gun.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You remember that the next time you find out your wife (or husband) is having lunch with someone and telling them how they can hardly wait to be rid of you so they can screw their brains out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## idknemore (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband tells me all the time he wants to get rid of me but when it comes down to it I am still here. and if he chooses to have an AE so be it. In the end if he cheats and its proven I get everything. and he can have lunch with whoever he wants. my point to what i said is is the woman does not want to be with her husband there is nothing anyone can do to stop that. this man needs to deal with his feelings aside from the fact she is married and not rush things- lunch and phone calls do not hurt anyone but if this leads to more thanit does. they both are feeding off each others pain and just want to feel loved and if they find that in one another so be it. but in doing a phone call or lunch they may find they are wrong and not for each other. right now they are in lust and need to see beyond this.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Lunch and phone calls behind her SO's back with the OP sounds like you are encouraging them to date. "hey get to know each other first before you get physically intamate!" personally I would not be ok with my H sharing secret lunches and phone calls with anyone! Let alone someone of the opposite sex. 

OP you need to take a step or two or three back and let your friends marriage pan out without your influence affecting it's outcome. Do you realize that she could have very well rewritten the relationship she had/has with her husband just so that he will look like the bad guy? and you can be the wonderful hero the guy she/you feel she deserves? The mature thing to do is to leave her and go completely no contact. If and that's a big IF her marriage is as bad as she says and after all you went thru you both need time to heal and focus on yourselves instead of each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CJP3212010 (Jan 4, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments. I understand that you all feel that what is happening is wrong and that this subject should just be a black and white answer. I have stopped all contact with her other than phone calls and have told her that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. This has been eating at me since it started happening and i know that none of you fully understand. I know from an outsiders perspective anything i am going to say is going to sound bad. I am not trying to end a marriage or break up a family. I was just trying to be there for a friend and i developed feelings for her. I have pulled my self back until this plays out. I dont know what will happen in the future but i know that i will not put it on here for you to judge me. This site is supposed to be used for support and advice. I know that i was in a bad situation and i was just asking for advice on what to do. Most of you judged me and just made what i was feeling that much worse. To those of you that tried to understand i appreciate it.

Thank you


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Idknnemore. Do you realize you are telling this guy to go to lunch with a married woman? He has admitted that they are having an EA! Do you condone this type of behavior? You encourage it?
> 
> I say no lunches, no phone calls, no relationship. If her marriage is going to die, let it die without the OPs involvement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This just sounds so deceptive.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> Thank you all for your comments. I understand that you all feel that what is happening is wrong and that this subject should just be a black and white answer. I have stopped all contact with her other than phone calls and have told her that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. This has been eating at me since it started happening and i know that none of you fully understand. I know from an outsiders perspective anything i am going to say is going to sound bad. I am not trying to end a marriage or break up a family. I was just trying to be there for a friend and i developed feelings for her. I have pulled my self back until this plays out. I dont know what will happen in the future but i know that i will not put it on here for you to judge me. This site is supposed to be used for support and advice. I know that i was in a bad situation and i was just asking for advice on what to do. Most of you judged me and just made what i was feeling that much worse. To those of you that tried to understand i appreciate it.
> 
> Thank you


The truth of the matter is that sometimes the advice that we need to hear is what we don't want to hear.

You are right we are not in your situation so we can't know all the details. But please don't discount what we say just because you don't like it. Some of the advice I've gotten on here has not been pleasant but it was insightful. Growing is not always painless.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> This site is supposed to be used for support and advice. I know that i was in a bad situation and i was just asking for advice on what to do.


 This site is not to be used to "support" bad behavior. It is to tell you the truth. We came to our conclusion without even hearing from the husband of the person you are having an emotional affair (EA) with. The truth is the poor husband does not even have a fair chance at saving his marraige because his wife is lying and cheating with you behind his back in secret. 

He has no chance at reconciliation until you are completely out of the picture. That mean you need to go full no contact (NC) with her. That means no meetings, no phone calls, no email, and no texts. No effort by him, MC etc., will have any chance of working until NC and yet the poor guy does not even know that you have been cheating with his wife.



CJP3212010 said:


> Most of you judged me and just made what i was feeling that much worse.


 You came here feeling bad because having been cheated on you know what you are doing is wrong. 

BTW as for the husband being lazy, what things about you do you think your wife said to the OM when she cheated on you? Do you think that everything your wife said to justify her cheating were true and justified her cheating behind your back? Do you not think that as her husband she should have addressed her issues with you and only you as she tried to work things out?

This thread should be moved to the infidelity section.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I haven't contacted her!

Except for phone calls, so it must be okay!

C'mon, CJP. I'm sure nobody understands your situation because it's completely different than anyone else on the planet's, and there's totally not one hundred stories exactly like it on this site alone.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Have you established paternity of your kid yet?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

CJP3212010 said:


> Thank you all for your comments. I understand that you all feel that what is happening is wrong and that this subject should just be a black and white answer. I have stopped all contact with her other than phone calls and have told her that she needs to figure out what she wants to do. This has been eating at me since it started happening and i know that none of you fully understand. I know from an outsiders perspective anything i am going to say is going to sound bad. I am not trying to end a marriage or break up a family. I was just trying to be there for a friend and i developed feelings for her. I have pulled my self back until this plays out. I dont know what will happen in the future but i know that i will not put it on here for you to judge me. This site is supposed to be used for support and advice. I know that i was in a bad situation and i was just asking for advice on what to do. Most of you judged me and just made what i was feeling that much worse. To those of you that tried to understand i appreciate it.
> 
> Thank you


Thanks for your condescending answer to all the posters who just do not get it. I am glad you somewhat pulled your head out. That is a big step.

Quite telling us about your feelings. Feeling's are fickle and should be the last thing either of you are basing any decision on at this point in your life.

You got your advice. Sorry it was not what you wanted to hear.


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