# Wives of husbands with ED



## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

Hi, y'all! I'm posting here, because I just want to hear from other wives who are feeling destroyed by their husbands rejecting them because of ED.

Yes, their egos are so very fragile! We must not pressure them. We must not make more money than them, or less money - lest they feel unmanly and unappreciated.

Yes, I know it affects men to the point that they want nothing that even remotely leads to what MIGHT be a failure of their manhood ... like kissing. Or compliments. Or caring.

And the little blue pills, and the like - ain't no dinner and a show, let me tell you! The commercials make me so angry ... it would seem that every other man still WANTS to make love, despite a lil' ole problem like ED!

My hubby said the pills just make him hard, they don't turn him on. I asked what turns him on? Nothing, he said.

And by the way, it is my understanding that the ability to get an erection without the pills indicates the problem may be psychological, rather than purely physical?

So how would this make you feel, as a wife? A ball-breaking b*tch?

Believe me - as angry as I may sound, I have been kind, loving, AFFECTIONATE and understanding towards my husband over the years - yes years. I've been patient, no pressure. Light and fluffy and happy. I've tried everything - nothing works. The last time we made love - I said "Can we PLEASE just do this more?" The first word out of his mouth was "But ..." And that was over 6 months ago.

I've even told him, many times, that I need love, affection and warmth, not just orgasms. I can't hug myself.

I have so much self-doubt as to my judgement - where did I go wrong? And I feel like I don't trust him with my feelings, because he is so wrapped up in himself. And I feel like I can't express myself, because he has his own agenda.

So - this was just a rant, after all, but I would really appreciate hearing from other WOMEN on how to get through this. I just joined, this is my first post on Talkaboutmarriage, and you can see my "screen name" is how I feel my husband sees me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Welcome Chore. Sorry you have to be here for a less than pleasant problem, but welcome.

How old are you two and how long have you been married? Did the ED problem start over night or over time?


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## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

Thanks, Faithful, for replying. I too, consider myself to be a faithful wife. I'm 51, he's 53. We've been together for over 19 years. This has been going on for over 12 years, getting worse, not better, despite counseling, meds, trying to communicate.

His history, is his first wife cheated on him. My history, is that my first husband took me for granted and neglected me totally.

I see he is trying to push me away. I am so destroyed, that I would never trust another person again. I would never cheat, or leave him. And I love him, with all my heart. I feel sorry for him that he doesn't have a wife that he can love and enjoy.

Right now, I am just trying not to HURT, and trying not to be so ANGRY at MYSELF - for thinking things would be better. He knows how I felt (that my first hubby, the father of my children, took me for granted), so it hurts all the more that this is happening. I guess I'm not so cute - or nice - or smart or funny or giving - as I think I am, so I need to just get over myself.

It just all feels like such a damned WASTE - we have so much good in our life, and he is so negative and ungrateful.

So I need to adjust and just get on with my daily life.


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## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

aannndd after looking at your blog, I feel like a total freak of nature.

Well good for you.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Chore said:


> I guess I'm not so cute - or nice - or smart or funny or giving - as I think I am, so I need to just get over myself.


We probably all need to get over ourselves a bit. But that doesn't mean the problem lies with you. It may be entirely his.

We don't always get what we deserve.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I know how you feel at times I get very frustrated with my Big Guy. His ED can make me feel very rejected and frustrated. I understand it is a medical condition brought on by his medication, but sometimes it is still hard for me to deal with. I don't know how to put it but... just because you mentally understand something doesn't mean you emotionally understand it. :scratchhead: If that makes sense. 

There are times when I can just roll with it and other times it just grates on my last nerve. What is real hard for me is when he just won't even try to go to the doctor because the ED is back and he needs to go on meds again. I have to spend months hinting to him maybe its time to see the doctor before he will go.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Trouble is that you can't fix it when it's someone else's problem. Best you can do is support them, hope, and look after yourself.

Never forget that last part.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I understand your frustration believe me! I was in a sexless marriage for 13 years because of it. We started having sex 4x a week for the past 6 months and I thought the problem was over but it's back. I have tried everything and there is nothing I can do. It's just back. My H keeps saying he will get a handle on his performance anxiety and I am just waiting. Things aren't as bad as they were though. He still likes to please me sexually and he did have an erection during sex this week but his attitude goes down the drain when this happens....he completely withdraws from me. I always have to start the conversation and encourage him to be intimate without sex. It's very frustrating. I'm sure it's frustrating for them too.

Has he stopped masturbating? My H has completely stopped and it has helped and at least I know he's not satisfying his urges elsewhere while turning away from me.

One thing I've noticed with my H is his shame surrounding sex. Whenever I have asked him about previous sexual experiences as a boy or as a teen he tends to lie, only to have the truth come out later. I am always forthcoming with him about everything but he feels shame....or something. I find it to be so frustrating that he can't be honest with me. The thing is I'm only trying to figure out if he has LD or not but if he can't answer questions honestly I'm at a loss.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It sounds to me like there are much deeper issues here beyond the ED, and the ED is likely a symptom rather than a cause.

I'm 41 and do have ED issues. It came as a complete shock to me when they surfaced. I was finally out of a 20 year relationship with the last four years being completely sexless. Never had an issue before, and then it hit with my STBW.

One of the things I find very interesting the more I learn about ED and how women react and deal with it is just how ignorant many women are regarding male sexuality, and male sexual needs. The thought that men are sexual robots who can get hard at the push of a button or flip os a switch is alive and well. And that is just not the case.

We have managed to work through things pretty well, and have been having sex 10+ times per week for the past year. It still pops up, or doesn't as it were, every now and then, and when the problem resurfaces, it's still difficult for her.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My BP meds gave me ED. A pill to treat side effects from another pill, I'm the pharma industry's ideal customer. 



Chore said:


> Yes, I know it affects men to the point that they want nothing that even remotely leads to what MIGHT be a failure of their manhood ... like kissing. Or compliments. Or caring.


Not me.



Chore said:


> My hubby said the pills just make him hard, they don't turn him on. I asked what turns him on? Nothing, he said.


This is the real problem and it may or may not be related to the ED. 

How was the sex before? Have you tried the daily dose vs the as needed pill?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

did you reject him for years or were you sensitive to his needs through out your marriage.

by rejecting him I mean did. mimamize his sexuality because thats all he ever thought about. and only put out when YOU felt like it instead of trying to keep your man saitiated.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Chore...my blog is a reflection of where I am at *now*...but please don't assume that I haven't walked a path that has a lot of dips and valleys, too. 

Anyway...I'm not sure what you meant by "freak of nature". I actually know personally more than one woman who has the same scenario you do (and my first marriage was sexless, too). It is really much more common than you would think. In fact there are message boards dedicated to ED issues, with sections just for the wives who are struggling with it (I'm pointing this out both so you might find those boards and also so you will not feel like a "freak").

The only common theme seems to be that some men who stop having sex due to ED are apparently just "frozen" up sexually by the ED....more of a mental thing than anything else. Like when they know they have ED, they will not engage sexually so that there is no chance of failure. Sadly this leaves the spouse hanging.

Have you found any ED specific boards? 

When you did counseling, was there any thing you learned that was helpful?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

My H has ED for years...and like some here not just ED but no libido..due to meds he was on since 2007...he went off of them in Dec. 2011 and to date still no improvement. Plus to boot he had 2 EA's during that time in his warped way of figuring out if his lack of desire was because of me. He honestly had no clue that his lack of libido was due to the meds but instead thought he was losing romantic feelings for me instead.

What is frustrating is that because of what he was feeling that gave him permission in his mind to start putting himself on some of these sex sites such as Sex Sear8h, ****** M., etc. I guess so he could figure out that it was my fault he had no libido.....

Ironic though that now he somewhat expects me to be in a sexless marriage for years now because that is the right thing to do as we are married....he went to his dr. about this over a year ago and because he is so embarrassed about it refuses to go again. I do not have much sympathy to me it is like get over your embarrassment and discuss with your dr.

I know I do the wrong thing at times and will make snide comments to him about his "issue" but this is due to my anger about his EA's...and how that was his complaint about me was sex frequency yet now I am espected to lead a celibate life. I have said to him boy if it was me that could not have sex for at least 2 - 3 years now...I doubt you would still be faithful.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add sorry if I sound kind of bitter I am not like that all the time..just the odd day where I still get pissed off about everything that happened.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why are you still married to him, highwood?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My DH has ED. I had heart surgery and now feel like a freak. I would have ED if I had to look at me too.

I'm fairly pretty, smart and accomplished but remove the clothing and I look like a tic tac toe board. 

I have no idea what to do about it either and he denies I turn him off. I do not believe him, but appreciate his trying to spare my feelings.

I feel your pain, I really do.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I feel for y'all. I know that it is touchy to deal with ED issues. I think most of my hubby's is stress related.

Unfortunately, I think I add to the stress instead of help relieve it most of the time.

** Sigh**


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Mr. Pink has had ED for about15 years now. I hear your pain, all of you! It hurts. You try to have sex but he can't get it up,you keep working at it wondering at what point do I give up, is it too soon to give up, isn't he supposed to be the one who says it's not gonna work, is it worse if I give up too soon or try too long. Then sex is avoided, then affection of any sort, then any kind of emotional intimacy and resentment crashes in like a tidal wave. It's my fault, I said something mean all those years ago. It's my fault, Ive gained weight. It's my fault, I'm getting older... My husband never complimented me and when he developed ED he would say, it's not your fault you know. And I would just nod because it was pretty fvcking obvious to me that it was entirely my fault because he could never keep an erection even if he got one! It took 2 years before I finally got him to the doctor and that was because I made the appointment, then told the doc he was impotent and also told the doc he smoked week daily. The doc told him to visit a hooker! I kid you not!

Another year before he found a new doc and came home with an rx for Viagara. He took it, it worked, but there was sooooooooo much damage to our relationship by then, we were not connected AT ALL!

I started IC, was in a deep depression by then, to work on my own sh!t and brought him in for a few appointments. Useless. He claimed up and became totally defensive.

UGH, hate reliving those years!

Fast forward to present day....

We have a kicking sex life. He is still taking Cialis, the daily pill, even though he gets sinus pressure from the pill. It shows that he is willing to put up with some discomfort in order to participate in getting our marriage back on track. It is something I deeply appreciate.

But sex is still something that troubles me. We have worked it out that I let him know when I want to have sex, then I leave it up to him to actually initiate. If he hasn't taken his pill, or needs time off to clear his sinuses, he won't initiate and I won't feel abject rejection. I've had enough of that to last a life time.

You can work through this, even if your husband refuses to acknowledge his ED, and even if he goes so far as to blame you.

It's a multi pronged attack to get your marriage back. He HAS to go to the doctor. You BOTH have to work on communicating your love to each other, be honest about hurts, you both have to be mindful of remaining affectionate. It take TIME! But it can be done, even if your married to a closed off conflict avoider. This is your marriage and your life, make it work!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Chore said:


> Hi, y'all! I'm posting here, because I just want to hear from other wives who are feeling destroyed by their husbands rejecting them because of ED.
> 
> Yes, their egos are so very fragile! We must not pressure them. We must not make more money than them, or less money - lest they feel unmanly and unappreciated.
> 
> ...


I hope things improve but I must say that with the resentment you show in your post and the way you come off a bit like you are making fun of a mans ego, tends to make me feel your husband feels this from you regardless of the kind face you are putting on for him at home.
Not saying it is your fault by any means but I doubt the tone you typed here is not translated at some point in the home and certainly is of no assistance to his situation.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Thought I would throw my 2 cents in, as I have suffered with some ED since 16 or so(yeah pretty bad when you can't get it up with your girlfriend at that age) back then I thought it was just anxiety but was very embarrassed (steady girlfriend over 3 or 4 months) now I know it was mostly some trauma (abuse) that probably caused it then and my issues now.
For any men reading this go to the dr. (not family Dr. go to a urologist most are men and not as embarrassing at least I though so ) get some help (although Ed pills don't always work first hand knowledge) to at least get started, then if you are healthy get to a counselor/therapist and see what can help. Sex is a huge part of my ego and when it doesn't work it affects everything in my life, of course my wife's infidelity last year(not because of my ed) hasn't helped but it is a work in progress.
As a side note, I tried all sorts of over the counter supplements and while some worked ok within a few months the had to stop making them due to unlisted ingredients so be careful better to use the good stuff. I have now been on daily cialis for over a year and it takes a lot of the anxiety out of sex, heck worked 6 times in a 24 hour period last weekend woohoo.
Don't suffer and don't add any more pressure to your marriage the world we live in already does that for you.


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## MorgiePorgie (Jul 24, 2013)

At 51 you're still young. You shouldn't have to monitor your behavior in such a way that you're afraid of being too mild or too aggressive. Too kind or too mean. Too successful or too much of a failure. I believe you might be married to a n'er-good-enuf. 

Conversely, you do have a history together, so counseling may be in the works. Hope to God you have insurance.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

I have had ED for several years.....well more than that but it got progressively worse, it was just like the commercial, the cat is watching, I didn't get enough sleep, work is getting me stressed , etc.....I changed quite a few things in my life and it was getting worse. I am now almost in my mid 40's.

there would be times I would be hard for the start of sex but would "deflate" and my loving wife kept trying to keep me going by assorted methods but sometimes nothing would work and we would end up just calling it quits and going to sleep. 

I went to the doctor and talked to him, he gave me a few assorted trial sizes of the different ED meds and I found Levitra, and it was a real bonus for our sex life. I do not use it every time but it really boosts my self esteem in the sack. there are a few side effects but they are fine.

I wish I could talk to the guys at work or friends about this stuff, it is great, able to have better sex than before, longer than before, etc. the only downside is I get bigger than before and it is too much for my wife sometimes. 


as someone already stated, men are not robots as some women expect, just because you dress sexy and act sexy and do everything to turn us on do not take it wrong just because we do not pop up like a toaster. I am sure it is hard to not take it personally but it is what men have been facing for centuries already.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The thing with ED is that whilst it is truly devastating for a man, it can be equally devastating for a woman. No matter how loving, supportive and understanding a woman may be, unless the issue is thoroughly addressed and there is open communication about the problem, eventually it will damage the strongest of relationships.

Even though a woman might logically know and accept that the issue lies with her partner, over time it can and will affect her own self-esteem and leave her feeling unloved and rejected. 

Good communication and sensitivity is absolutely essential for both parties, and remaining physically intimate in other ways is an absolute must.


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

ED is awful and yes it affects the guy first and then their self esteem goes downhill and my husband would not go to the doc to get meds at first. Then he tried a few and said they didn't work and then he also admitted I didn't turn him on.
So I have been in a sexless marriage for the last 4 years and I found out he was cheating with one of my friends. He said it was one time a year ago and it didn't work but I do not believe him.
For him to go outside the marriage devastated me and I filed for divorce because I cannot trust him. Six weeks later as we await the 60 day waiting period in our state and we get our stuff done with our attorneys and he is trying to cuddle with me and we actually had halfway decent sex one night this weekend. 
Too little, too late and the divorce will be happening and then I do not care what he does.
He demolished my self esteem and the next time he does approach me for sex I am going to ask him WHY now and see what he says. I just do not get it at all. 
If the situation had been reversed I would have gone to any doctor to save our sex life and our marriage.


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