# Husband having a midlife crisis



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

My husband left 9 weeks ago saying he never loved me and blaming me for our marriage failure. He told everyone who would listen that I was awful to live with. When we talked he said I wouldn't / couldn't change and that I had broke his heart making him leave so he could never trust me again. Amongst all this he was very depressed and loosing weight, not sleeping, eating etc.

Last week I found out he was having an affair but when it came out she finished it not wanting to get caught up in it all. My husband now says he still doesn't want to come back because too much has happened but has agreed to counselling and admits he doesn't know what he wants or who he is right now. 

He is very mixed up and my conversations with him leave me feeling very worried that he is about to crash and burn. He has always been a caring loving husband and a great father. This last 9 weeks he has been un recognisable and is obviously in great distress. It looks like a midlife crisis and I so want the man I love to come back and for this stranger to go away.

I love him so much and feel that right now he needs my support to get through this but I am also scared that he may start back up with this other women and the pain that would cause would be too much to bear. 

Has anyone else been through this? I don't want to give up because our marriage was good and my husband has recently conceeded that it wasn't as bad as he first said but he found my depression hard to live with.

Am I mad for not wanting to give up on 26 years together? What should I do?


----------



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Been there, done that, got the divorce after 18 years of marriage. Mine left me for a 22 year old girlfriend, ended up getting her knocked up and married her. Classic midlife crisis minus the souped up sports car. Mine, too, dealt with me and depression and said some pretty awful things about me and our relationship that I'm still trying to deal with. 

It's a good sign that he wants to do counseling with you. Mine was done and wouldn't even consider it. Have you gotten help for your depression? You have to make sure you're healthy first and foremost before you tackle the marriage issues.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why would you want to help him after he showed you your 26 years were nothing to him. You don't want more pain do you?


----------



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

I really feel for you, I can't imagine the pain that must have caused. He isn't going counselling with me but on his own. He knows he isn't dealing with things well and wants to try and sort out his head.

He has said if the ow wants to get back with him he would but only if she is willing to go public, at the moment she doesn't want to get involved due to her 'own problems' and wouldn't consider letting people know they were together. Apparently she has been receiving hate phone calls, although I wounded by who if 'no one else knows'.

I really hope the counselling helps him sort things out before he has the opportunity to get back with her as I don't think I could cope with that and I know my 3 children would never forgive him. 

I do think she has panicked and used the 'phone calls' as an excuse to get out before we find out who she is. I don't think the affair had been going long enough for her to be dealing with the whole fall out of him leaving me. I do wonder if I know her and as my daughter works in the same industry as her dad I worry that she may know her too.

I am getting counselling and feel much better for it. If only this pain would stop!!


----------



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

Anchor watch I do wonder myself but I know the marriage I had was for the most part good if a little fractured at the end. He was a good supportive husband and dad who was always there for me. I feel that if he is going through a depression that I should at least try to help him. I can't stop my love and wouldn't want to look back with regret if I could have stopped him loosing his grip on reality and helped him back.

After 26 years I think I should fight for our marriage. I have no idea if I will be able to deal with it as I don't yet know how bad things will get but for now I will try.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What now, 

If you are determined and strong enough not to leave any stone unturned before you D, Let me suggest these books as guides. "Divorce Busters" or "Divorce Remedy:" by Michele Weiner-Davis

DivorceBusting.com - Forums powered by UBB.threads™


I leave you a quote by Mark Twain, 
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

Good luck.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

My husband had an affair at the 26 year mark. Reading on here, I have seen the "180 list" and though I had never heard of it, that is what I did. The list and some other good advice are here:
Fence Sitters

Your husband is a fence sitter. You need to back off completely and begin taking steps to get on with your life and be happy and fulfilled without him. Your "support" because you are worried about his poor poor emotionally fragile condition when he won't tell you who she is and has told you he would go back to her will just hurt *you* and prolong and intensify *your* pain. Leave him alone to stew in his own juices.

My husband came to his senses and chose wife and family over the septic tank he was playing in.


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

What now, you are doing the right thing. We don't immediately give up on a 26 year marriage just because our partner is ill. He is in MLC, and is depressed; that's an illness.

The good news is your marriage can make it through this, and if it does it will be even better for it. The bad news is it often takes years. 

I second the advice to visit DB.com. They have an entire subforum for those of us dealing with spouses in MLC.

Save yourself. Take the focus off him and concentrate on making a happy and fulfilling life on your own. Be patient and fasten your safety belt.


----------



## NotSleeping (Jan 3, 2013)

I would read up everything you can on Midlife crisis. I am going through something similar with my wife. I don't know what to do either. At a minimum, I think a tough line is in order on the other women. By staying at home he needs to stop all contact with her. Otherwise, I would think any type of contact will undermine anything else you try to do.


----------



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

Thank you all for your comments it really helps reading them. My husband has agreed to tell my daughter the ow name after he has spoken to the ow to tell her he is doing this ( my daughter works in the same industry and was worried about hearing the name from another person). He has also explained to my daughter that he doesn't know what he wants or where he is heading. He said he wasn't able to make me happy, which she disagreed with.

He has made contact with me via text and phone on a couple of occasions now about practical things to do with the kids or home. He has also shown concern for me at times during these discussions. He is coming round to help the boys find their skiing things in the loft (they have a trip booked next month) which he had previously left for them to do. So I can't help but feel positive that he is trying to keep the contact up.

He is going ahead with the counselling, which I was worried he wouldn't do. And he seems much more like his old self, not so angry and self centred.

I am worried about the future. Will he come back or not? Will he go back with the ow? How will it all work out if he does come back? I know I believe in us and I'm sure if he comes back because he wants to and is sure of his love for me then it will work out.

In the mean time I am focusing on me, I have started back at the gym. I make sure I eat three meals a day (two and a half stone lighter I need to make sure I don't lose any more weight) and I meet up with friends and family on a regular basis. It's hard but what ever happens I need to be in a strong place to deal with the next part of my life.


----------



## harsosuao (Jan 17, 2013)

You have to make sure you're healthy first and foremost before you tackle the marriage issues.


----------



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

Well H has made a choice to stay / get back with OW even though my daughter begged him not to. I am pleased to say I have finally got angry and feel much better for it. The OW is single, early thirties (compared to his 46!!), smoker (he hates smoking), has an eating disorder, insecurities, bright orange tan, and a 7 year old child. It all helps to lift my self esteem, really is that all he can get? 

The OW made contact with my daughter in the early stages of the affair to talk about a computer system she wanted to use at work. (they are in the same industry). She proceeded to feed her false information about a close friend which made my daughter question her friendship. She also spent some time gossiping about the affairs going on at the moment. My husband believes that the OW was forced to meet with our daughter by a mutual friend even though there are emails to prove otherwise.

They say that the H has to reach rock bottom before they can get back up. Well he is truly on his way. 

It would take an awful lot to fix our marriage after this and to be quite honest I don't think my H would ever have it in him to fight to come back.

So here is to keeping angry and surviving another day. I have to protect my self and my children and a pray that I am able to stay as strong as I feel today in order to do that.

My thoughts are with anyone else out there who is going through this, nothing can prepare you for the huge amount of hurt the MLC'ERS inflict on those they used to love so dearly. I don't know where my story will go from here but I will keep you posted. Thank you again for every comment made, it realy truly helps to read them.


----------



## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

What now? said:


> Well H has made a choice to stay / get back with OW even though my daughter begged him not to. I am pleased to say I have finally got angry and feel much better for it. The OW is single, early thirties (compared to his 46!!), smoker (he hates smoking), has an eating disorder, insecurities, bright orange tan, and a 7 year old child. It all helps to lift my self esteem, really is that all he can get?
> 
> The OW made contact with my daughter in the early stages of the affair to talk about a computer system she wanted to use at work. (they are in the same industry). She proceeded to feed her false information about a close friend which made my daughter question her friendship. She also spent some time gossiping about the affairs going on at the moment. My husband believes that the OW was forced to meet with our daughter by a mutual friend even though there are emails to prove otherwise.
> 
> ...


Totally get this.


----------



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

Trouble is the anger isn't there all the time. It comes and goes and right now at 3:30am it's gone and all that is left is the pain. x


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Stages of grief- denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance

Not necessarily in that order, and you can go back and forth between the stages. 

But the sands of time will bring healing.


----------



## What now? (Jan 13, 2013)

Well H is really going for it at the moment!! He had seemed to calm down and appeared to be more his normal self but it seems that was the calm before the storm. The ow has contacted my daughters friend to enquire about their friendship! My H said he had asked her to because my daughter had spoken her nan (his mum) and said the ow had caused trouble between them (daughter and friend) which is true, but he wanted to check. He then spoke with my daughter after badgering her to meet for lunch and made her feel absolute crap. He then came round and spoke to each of my boys and then to all 3 children (admittidly at their request) At one point when he was speaking to my youngest he was accusing my daughter of making up lies! He basically tried to defend the ow and nearly walked out when my son called her a tart. They are hurting so much and he can't see it, they can't believe he would believe her over them and keep coming to her defence. He really has no idea.

He has admitted he is depressed and confused but continues to make decisions that are hurtful and disastrous without trying to get help. During my depression I may have fallen apart but I didn't tear the family apart or cause this much pain. He now has the referral letter to take to the councillor and I pray he goes because if he carries on this way he will loose everything and no matter what he truly feels about me I know he loves his kids.

On the plus side I have had no contact for 4 days and feel much better for it. I am getting angry having to watch my children's pain but haven't acted on it. I just don't think him or the ow are worth it and actually pity them because they will suffer in the end.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What now, this may be of some use to you.

The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Now that's he's turned on your children, I hope you're good & mad.
Use that anger to find your strength to improve your life, do the 180, focus on yourself, spend time with your children, friends & family.

Your husband is using depression as an excuse to cover up the fact he's just a tool who is cheating on his wife.
Depression doesn't make you cheat, being a lying scum bag makes you a cheat.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The excuse of a MLC allows you to see him as not responsible for his affair. You have no proof that he is experiencing anything other than the typical cheating behavior. He met another woman, wanted to have sex with her & is now justifying it all.

If you do the 180 in a serious, determined way, this will get better much faster. Please do that.

And stop right now making excuses for his sorry self.


----------

