# Married only Two years, Ready to call it quits



## Lost2020

Hello, I'll try to get to the point. 

I am a 30 year old woman and my husband is a 35 year old man. We have been married 2 years, together for 6 years. The two years we have been married have not been good at all. My husband doesn't seems to care about anything but himself. During our courtship he was very helpful and happy. Now that we are married he has been in and out of work, unhelpful around the house, only pays one bill (I pay for everything else including rent), cold and awkward towards my family (we live in an apartment owned by my mother so we see them around), and complaining about the smallest things. Its like a switch was flipped! 

I feel a deep disconnect between us and all he ever does is dismiss how I feel, gaslight me when he is in the wrong, and poke and prod me for sex. We haven't been consistently intimate for months now because I am always tired from working a full shift everyday, cooking, cleaning and laundry. This gives him no pause. He will insist we be intimate even after he watches me cook and clean from the couch not lifting a finger!
I suggested we go to some type of counseling and he was very against it claiming that we could fix it through talking. But when we talk about our issues he offers no solution just that he will "try to do better". 

I feel lost and unlike myself when he is around. When he approaches me I have to withdraw because he takes so much and gives so little. I find myself feeling trapped because we both are low on funds so I cannot kick him out and I cannot leave because I run an in home daycare. 

My father is disabled/wheelchair-bound and he does NOT help me at all with him. Just the other day, I asked/begged to borrow his smaller car so that I could take my father to a doctor's appointment (since I don't have my own) and he told me no because he "his work shirt was already in the car". I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but because of that selfishness I had to lift (on my own) my nearly 300lb father to and from the larger car I had to borrow. He does things like this to me often. 

He is selfish with his things while I am open and help/support him with everything, as a spouse should. I do not want to fight anymore. I do not want to beg my husband to treat me decently. At this point, I don't really want to save the marriage, but he always finds a way to guilt me into staying. 

I've been told that I need to work harder to make the marriage work and I have also been told that if I am unhappy I need to leave (which I can't). 

Again sorry if i lost the plot here. There is a lot that I did not add.


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## re16

Lost2020 said:


> Hello, I'll try to get to the point.
> 
> I am a 30 year old woman and my husband is a 35 year old man. We have been married 2 years, together for 6 years. The two years we have been married have not been good at all. My husband doesn't seems to care about anything but himself. During our courtship he was very helpful and happy. Now that we are married he has been in and out of work, unhelpful around the house, only pays one bill (I pay for everything else including rent), cold and awkward towards my family (we live in an apartment owned by my mother so we see them around), and complaining about the smallest things. Its like a switch was flipped!
> 
> I feel a deep disconnect between us and all he ever does is dismiss how I feel, gaslight me when he is in the wrong, and poke and prod me for sex. We haven't been consistently intimate for months now because I am always tired from working a full shift everyday, cooking, cleaning and laundry. This gives him no pause. He will insist we be intimate even after he watches me cook and clean from the couch not lifting a finger!
> I suggested we go to some type of counseling and he was very against it claiming that we could fix it through talking. But when we talk about our issues he offers no solution just that he will "try to do better".
> 
> I feel lost and unlike myself when he is around. When he approaches me I have to withdraw because he takes so much and gives so little. I find myself feeling trapped because we both are low on funds so I cannot kick him out and I cannot leave because I run an in home daycare.
> 
> My father is disabled/wheelchair-bound and he does NOT help me at all with him. Just the other day, I asked/begged to borrow his smaller car so that I could take my father to a doctor's appointment (since I don't have my own) and he told me no because he "his work shirt was already in the car". I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but because of that selfishness I had to lift (on my own) my nearly 300lb father to and from the larger car I had to borrow. He does things like this to me often.
> 
> He is selfish with his things while I am open and help/support him with everything, as a spouse should. I do not want to fight anymore. I do not want to beg my husband to treat me decently. At this point, I don't really want to save the marriage, but he always finds a way to guilt me into staying.
> 
> I've been told that I need to work harder to make the marriage work and I have also been told that if I am unhappy I need to leave (which I can't).
> 
> Again sorry if i lost the plot here. There is a lot that I did not add.


Sounds like he was on good behavior before marriage and now is showing you his true self.

Do you want this to work out? If not, there will never be a "right time" financially if that is what you are waiting for. You just need to pull the band aid off.

If you do want to work this out, you need to tell him what you need specifically and clearly or the consequence is divorce. Don't beat around the bush or be afraid... (Easier said than done... I know).

Usually, it is hard to get someone to change unless they want to, you can't make him change, but you can communicate clearly what you need him to do, but you have to follow through on the consequences.

You should probably talk to a lawyer so you know what the process is in your state and get some advice on your financial situation.


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## TJW

Lost2020 said:


> My husband doesn't seems to care about anything but himself.


You are 100% correct. He is very self-centered.



Lost2020 said:


> I cannot leave because I run an in home daycare.


What do you need to do to increase your income level ? Can you accomplish it while caring for your Dad and maintaining your home ? Is your education holding you back ?
You have to "break the trap".....



Lost2020 said:


> I am open and help/support him with everything, as a spouse should.


Stop. Don't waste your time. Let him find a pair of man-pants, and take care of himself. Concentrate on you.


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## Tron

Separate. 

I think you will find that your life will simplify significantly. 

And he will either get off the pot and make changes he has so far been unwilling to make or not, in which case won't be long and you will be ready to file and move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

The faster you prepare for a single life the better if you'll be. 
Too many things point to a D sooner rather than later and faster would be a preference for any normal person in your position. 

Stay strong, you can do it.


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## jlg07

So until you get strong enough to get out, maybe try this.
Take ALL of YOUR money that comes in and open an account ONLY in your name.
The joint account you have now use ONLY for you common monthly bills.
Then you tell him:
Monthly bills are X. I will provide X/2 -- YOU need to provide the other half and deposit into the joint account. YOU will no longer provide all the money.
Second, stop doing his laundry, stop doing cooking for him, etc.  He is a grown man and can actually do these things for himself, but he WON"T since you are doing all this for him.

"He is selfish with his things while I am open and help/support him with everything, as a spouse should. I do not want to fight anymore. I do not want to beg my husband to treat me decently. At this point, I don't really want to save the marriage, but he always finds a way to guilt me into staying. "

STOP helping and supporting him. SHOW him what it would be like to live without your love and support.
You can tell him: When YOU start helping ME, I will start helping YOU, but until then, do it yourself.

You may want to start doing the 180 so that you can start detaching and STOP letting him guilt you into anything. YOU have nothing to be guilty about -- his actions are 100% on him. HE should feel guilty if anyone. YOU are not destroying the family with talk of leaving -- HE is destroying it by his actions.
Here is the 180 in case you don't have it:
180 for Betrayed Spouses


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## ccpowerslave

So what did you like about him in the first place?

You said he was helpful and happy. A can opener is helpful and a golden retriever is happy. Does he still have the qualities that drew you to him at all or is that it? If that’s it you might as well call it quits.


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## Lost2020

ccpowerslave said:


> So what did you like about him in the first place?
> 
> You said he was helpful and happy. A can opener is helpful and a golden retriever is happy. Does he still have the qualities that drew you to him at all or is that it? If that’s it you might as well call it quits.


He was actively working towards improving his future. He was taking classes for it. He had interests, hobbies, wanted to build with me, loyal, and we worked well as a team. He would have some days where he would be tired and unmotivated, but not a lot.

We got married and he got fired from two jobs. It took him months to find another.
I helped him find other jobs that paid well but He said they were boring so instead he went and got Himself a job at a auto body shop that he hated and it paid him significantly less. 
He also has gotten into the habit of “hocking loogies” I’m always grossed out...

We have suffered because of his choices. I’m not attracted much. Since we haven’t been speaking much and I have been a little bit cold he has been cleaning and cooking a lot...


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## Lost2020

jlg07 said:


> So until you get strong enough to get out, maybe try this.
> Take ALL of YOUR money that comes in and open an account ONLY in your name.
> The joint account you have now use ONLY for you common monthly bills.
> Then you tell him:
> Monthly bills are X. I will provide X/2 -- YOU need to provide the other half and deposit into the joint account. YOU will no longer provide all the money.
> Second, stop doing his laundry, stop doing cooking for him, etc. He is a grown man and can actually do these things for himself, but he WON"T since you are doing all this for him.
> 
> "He is selfish with his things while I am open and help/support him with everything, as a spouse should. I do not want to fight anymore. I do not want to beg my husband to treat me decently. At this point, I don't really want to save the marriage, but he always finds a way to guilt me into staying. "
> 
> STOP helping and supporting him. SHOW him what it would be like to live without your love and support.
> You can tell him: When YOU start helping ME, I will start helping YOU, but until then, do it yourself.
> 
> You may want to start doing the 180 so that you can start detaching and STOP letting him guilt you into anything. YOU have nothing to be guilty about -- his actions are 100% on him. HE should feel guilty if anyone. YOU are not destroying the family with talk of leaving -- HE is destroying it by his actions.
> Here is the 180 in case you don't have it:
> 180 for Betrayed Spouses


Thank you 

I have started to cook only for myself and take care of only me so he has been cooking for both of us and trying to clean up the house but I still feel unhappy because he is only behaving this way because I have been different from my usual self...


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## TJW

Lost2020 said:


> he is only behaving this way because I have been different from my usual self...


You are absolutely 100% correct. As you continue your 180 into all areas of your life, not giving him permission to act the "old way", his "personal truth" may actually change. The general rule is that it doesn't, but there are some outliers who start to see a benefit and continue growth.

If you want to break your marriage and leave, the ONLY way you are going to do this is to increase your income, and follow what @jlg07 said. Do these things sooner rather than later.

I don't know of any commonly-used marital vows which contain a promise to "support". That is for good reason, because none of us can make such a promise in the forever scope. But, unfortunately, our ridiculous superannuated "laws" (which never should have been laws in the first place) call for married people to support each other in most venues. Separating finances is the way to go. When you do, keep it like that FOREVER.


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## ccpowerslave

Thanks for explaining it, I think I get it. You were attracted to a motivated provider. Once that shuts down so does the attraction.

Agree with the advice from others to get yourself together in terms of independence. Either he notices and corrects his behavior or you’re ready to walk away.


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## jlg07

Lost2020 said:


> he is only behaving this way because I have been different from my usual self...


Yes, this is EXACTLY the point -- YOU have stopped bending over backwards to take care of him. This has altered the dynamic between you both, and maybe he is starting to realize that the stuff he pulled on you isn't going to work anymore and that you are well on your way out of the relationship. It may have in fact opened his eyes a bit (I hope so for your sake).

We all train others how to deal with US -- you have let him get away with it, and now you have stepped up and are showing him that is NOT acceptable to you any longer. Keep up the good work and hopefully new habits will form.


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## Lost2020

ccpowerslave said:


> Thanks for explaining it, I think I get it. You were attracted to a motivated provider. Once that shuts down so does the attraction.
> 
> Agree with the advice from others to get yourself together in terms of independence. Either he notices and corrects his behavior or you’re ready to walk away.


 I’ve always made more than him, but it looked like we could grow and thrive together...

I wanted to be with him because, at the time, he wanted more in life. Love. Companionship. Travel. A home. Children. Just like me. 

But now he just wants a roof, to be fed, and physical intimacy...no ambition, no responsibilities and no future.

yes, I’ve been reading up the articles on this site and trying to save up. I still can’t leave though. My business can’t move yet. It’s still very new.


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## MattMatt

@Lost2020 You have not lost the plot but it is time for you to lose your "husband."

Lawyer up and get him out of your life and your home.


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