# When do you let go of the need to know?



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm about 8 weeks in after exposing my wife's affair in late May. It has been a textbook roller coaster of emotions, which many of are very familiar with.

The quick background is that my wife was in an emotional affair for about a year which developed into sexting and naked pictures. This is all I could confirm for sure.

We began reconciling too quickly and had some setbacks, but things then were progressing at a reasonable pace. Last week I came across details that placed her at the OM's house, and when I first confronted her, she denied anything happened and that she was with other work colleagues as well, no alone time.

Well, I gave a rest to things for two days, but since I knew my information indicated she was indeed in his town at least once on her own, I made the decision that if she didn't confess that they spent time together, alone, I'd either demand a polygraph, or begin the D process, or both.

When I brought up the situation the second time, I was calm and collected and did not revel exactly what I knew, only that the information I have confirms she was not with other work colleagues.

Before I had to get into the polygraph and divorce talk, she finally admitted that they have kissed (this was prior to the house visit), and she began to gave me a time line of when it first started. She also admitted she was at his place alone on a day training was canceled, and that he came on to her, they engaged in heavy petting and kissing, but when we tried to bring her from the couch to the bedroom, she said she cannot do it and that they cooled down and he apologized for trying to move things in that direction. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but the guy does have some good in him, despite that fact he was actively trying to fvck my wife, so perhaps he's human after all.

At this point I was somewhat satisfied that she admitted the physical aspect as it was denial after denial for the first seven weeks post D-day. And I didn't run from the table, I stayed there showing her I continue to be more interested in her ability to be honest with me about everything as it's the most important things to me - my internal bucket for pain is already filled.

I then mentioned the fact that in some cases a BS needs their DS to take a polygraph to put any more suspicions out of their mind, and she said she would do it "now because she has such a weight off of her shoulders, but she would have been a mess had I asked a few days ago". I also asked her what the OM would respond if we sent a text from her phone saying "I told (my husband) that we had sex". And she even said, you can if you want.

I should add she was upset, but not angry, crying, but not hysterical. I did sense she was relieved she got this off her chest. She continues to be ashamed of herself and is showing true remorse. Going forward she's doing the right things, but I'm obviously still trying to determine what exactly I am forgiving.

So I ask this - if I want this woman in my life, do I just have to force myself to move on? Why am I so obsessed with determining if there are more details, and that perhaps she said "I can't do this" after they were already having sex? 

I wrote my wife a letter that explains where I am at right now and my need for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and I plan to give it to her before my IC session on Thursday night, with the hope that if anything else needs to be said, we do it when I return from counseling. If her response satisfy me, I may consider closing this ugly chapter of our lives and start focusing 100% on R.

Thoughts?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me when the trickel trueth got ughlier and uglier I decided I had enough pain. I mean the bottom line for me is it happen period, and once I got the clear picture of what was going on in her second life I didn't need any more.

The thing is we both made a commitment to reconnect. and she has done a great job in helping me heal. Once that process starts for you you will find that the "need to know" won't matter nearly as much as how you need to heal and move on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah trickle truth really hurts, each time you find out a little more the blade wiggles itself a little deeper. For her there is no cost to calling your bluff, so if you are going to threaten with a polygraph I think you must follow through with it. But before you do ask how much more of the painful details you are willing to endure or if it is already past the point of no return for you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

The need to know will persist until you are sure that you know everything.
Since your wife has decided to to let little bits out at a time, you are rightfully suspicious.
I would sit down with her and tell her what you learned on your own. Tell her that you will continue to dig until you are satisfied and then let her know that right here, right now, you can tell me everything. Let her know that if you catch her in one more lie, it's over. She will likely give you all of it.
But keep digging.
She didn't go to his house to kiss and pet...


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

If your "gut" is telling you something then follow up on it. You have a right to know what your life was all about with this woman. Do not put your head back in the sand. Your persistence is what resulted in her admitting kissing him. Step back and take yourself out of the situation. Would you believe her story about being alone at his place and just kissing? I do not....


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I would go ahead and go through with a polygraph if I were you. It seems she gave you just enough information to appease you. She says that she's willing to go through with the Polygraph, so go ahead and do it. You will find out everything you need to know once and for all and it will either confirm or deny your suspicions. You are still very suspicious of a sexual affair, which bottom line is, she most definitely did have sex with him. She won't confirm it until she feels she has no other choice. For some this happens in the parking lot on the way into the polygraph. If you never follow through with this, you may never have closure. For others, the polygraph is the only way to get the truth. This is the true nature of tickle truth, letting out the truth a little at a time, but never the full truth, unless backed against the wall. I would love to find out that she didn't have a PA, for your sake. 

Here's how I snuffed out the truth. I told my wife to give me her cell phone because I was going to send the OM a simple message from her phone. "Do you remember that time we slept together?" I told her I would get one of three responses. 1. What the &^*# are you talking about? 2. Yeah, what about it. 3. Which time? She was hesitant to let me do it at first, then she caved with part of the story, when I told her I was sending the message from her phone or she was. She said they slept together once. I found out the next day that they slept together twice, found this info from the OM. So if you want to find out if they slept together, this is a good method. You may not get the whole truth, but at least you can find out if the affair turned sexual.

It's a shame we basically have to become amateur detective. Good Luck and I wish you the best my friend.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I still have that need to know and Ive been divorced a month and half now. I watch my ex's FB and myspace account to see what he is doing. It's not a good idea, I know. I usually end up seeing things I wish I hadnt seen. I know it should not matter anymore as we are now divorced but for whatever reason, it still does to me. I'm all alone and he has somebody. Not fair. I wasnt the one who cheated, so why does he get to be happy?


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

My view is from the point that the A comes to light, the truth going forward if you are working on R is really important.

As far as the past the exact details (was it 4 times or 6 times) were less important.

The important is that she talks about the A as something within the marriage that needs to be worked on vs keeping details and trying to have the A be something outside the marriage just for her like some ex-boyfriend before you met or something.

Just how things are/were for me...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Assume the absolute worst you could possibly imagine. It can't be worse than that.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Runs like Dog said:


> Assume the absolute worst you could possibly imagine. It can't be worse than that.


:iagree:

Then you won't be blindsided when the truth comes out that she was having sex with this guy. Trust me my friend, it did happen. You are not getting the whole story, you're still getting tickle truth. Her relief was from the fact that she dodged spilling the whole story and you probably seemed content at the time she told you about the "Heavy Petting and Kissing".


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

AppleDucklings said:


> I still have that need to know and Ive been divorced a month and half now. I watch my ex's FB and myspace account to see what he is doing. It's not a good idea, I know. I usually end up seeing things I wish I hadnt seen. I know it should not matter anymore as we are now divorced but for whatever reason, it still does to me. I'm all alone and he has somebody. Not fair. I wasnt the one who cheated, so why does he get to be happy?


I was exactly like that few months ago. No much less. It is easier but still bothers me. They cheat, they lie and they get to be happy and have everything in the world. On the other hand, us BS have to struggle with childcare, starting from scratch(heck I changed countries let alone homes), finances and still deal with all the pain from the betrayal


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> I was exactly like that few months ago. No much less. It is easier but still bothers me. They cheat, they lie and they get to be happy and have everything in the world. On the other hand, us BS have to struggle with childcare, starting from scratch(heck I changed countries let alone homes), finances and still deal with all the pain from the betrayal


Yeah, that is why it is called "cheating" Because they take advantage of our, the BS', trust in order to set things up to give themselves an advantage at our expense. It is about as cruel a thing you can do to someone you love, and to me exposes a glaring character flaw that the WS can simply put their own self ahead of their responsibilities and commitments. There is a time for selfishness, we all have to protect ourselves, but when selfishness prevents them from being honest and enables them to hurt others there is something broken inside them that will always prevent them from having a healthy LTR, they simply are not dependable and likely never can be.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

What makes this particularly difficult is that we both want this to workout. Neither of us are looking for an out. Yes, she has hurt me in the past, but she is committed to finally changing her ways and she has showed that change to me already.

There was no spite or angst in our relationship, and I'm the best lover she has ever been with, so no real sexual issue either. Is it out of the question that someone can come to their senses in that moment of time and decide they need to stop what they are doing?

I'm going to find that out over the next few weeks I guess. . .


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Assume the absolute worst you could possibly imagine. It can't be worse than that.


I tried that but it's still rough finding old sexy emails my DH about meeting up while I'm at work, with 2 different women....and this was 2 yrs ago just before we spent our vaca in Germany.
I will never stop searching..


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey LSO-----at this point what difference does it make whether he was inside of her or not----SHE WENT TO HIS HOUSE---SHE HAD A PASSIONATE MAKE OUT SESSION WITH HIM---and who knows what else-------what more do you really need, you know she put this other guy ahead of her mge, and her family---she traded an afternoon of hot passion for the future well being of the lives of her family members----what else do you need to know!!!!!!

According to your last post---she has done this before with another/others----how many times are you going to allow her to take a dagger to your mge., and to stomp on your heart

HAVE YOU EVER laid out heavy boundaries with consequences---I DOUBT IT---cuz she keeps on truckin!!!!!!

What are you gonna do this time----will there be boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences---or do you soft pedal this chapter of your marital history also

If you do decide to R---I would strongly suggest this time you MAKE her sign a POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

No I haven't, but this time I have been and will lay down the law. I think your suggestion on the post nup is very good, I'm going to talk to a lawyer this week about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H had an EA with a woman at work. I found out and was devastated. I decided immediately I wanted to continue, under certain conditions, but we too had setbacks.

I tried so hard to do what I thought was best, working out the "whys" to see what was missing from our marriage, what I could do better. Unfortunately all I did was end up plummeting into an abyss of obsessing that there was more he was keeping from me, that he wasn't doing enough to R, bringing it up as a sore point and missing the stuff he actually *was* doing.

I got to the point where I realised I had to make a decision: and this wasn't long ago, where I had to either forgive and look forward, or leave. I had wanted to forgive so badly and for him to "earn" the trust back but in the end I had to meet him halfway and choose to trust him. Acting in a way that showed him I assumed he would f*** up, when I realised I was doing that, made me realise that this could potentially turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And since I chose to forgive him, he has been a lot more in tune. Things aren't of course completely mended but he is a lot more receptive to me and my feelings. I feel better now I have forgiven him than I did before. I feel more in control. So for me I had to DECIDE to let go to move on. Put it behind us. I did give him that last chance to lay out anything, he didn't, and also set out boundaries which helped me get back on my feet. This could be helpful to you too.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> My H had an EA with a woman at work. I found out and was devastated. I decided immediately I wanted to continue, under certain conditions, but we too had setbacks.
> 
> I tried so hard to do what I thought was best, working out the "whys" to see what was missing from our marriage, what I could do better. Unfortunately all I did was end up plummeting into an abyss of obsessing that there was more he was keeping from me, that he wasn't doing enough to R, bringing it up as a sore point and missing the stuff he actually *was* doing.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the post. I'm on your page with this.


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