# Sex drive reboot?



## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Married for 12 yrs, spouse is recovered alcoholic with at least one known ons 6 yrs ago, done better, different job and home more, np drinking, etc, we've worked on our relationship some. We have sex about every 2 weeks. Ive never had a strong drive anyway. He can have mood swings ...that make me crazy. I don't feel like he understands me at all, and we coexist but sometimes I wonder if there's much more. I started a new job earlier this year and in the last couple months I've been thinking about a coworker more often, and even having shivers thinking about them sometimes. I don't plan to run off thinking this might be my soul mate, but we get on great, joke, and can communicate good. I guess it's making me wonder if there's more to my low drive than just it being me. Have had blood work done, doctor checks, etc. Ive basically chalked it up to age and medication for non related health issues. I WANT to feel passionate, I just don't... these feelings are not something I'm used to. Advise?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Feelings like that mean your marriage is already very close to being doomed.

You should immediately tell your husband that the marriage is not working and that if things don’t change drastically and soon, it will end.

You likely don’t understand how just having a crush on someone else and a bad patch in your marriage means it is close to being doomed. But it is. No one in your shoes understands their marriage is doomed until it is too late.

Your marriage simply won’t survive if you and he can’t have a stimulating intimate life that keeps you both happy at home and not looking for greener grass. That’s true for everyone.

Can you have that with him? Find out by making it happen or see it not happen. That’s the only way to know. Fight off the feelings you have about your crush and face your failing marriage and do something about it.

If you can’t have a fulfilling fun sex life with your husband, get divorced and then find a new man. Do not keep sniffing around the co worker.

I know it feels good to feel alive again with that crush you’re having, but trust me, those feelings don’t mean what you think they mean.

All those feelings are telling you is that you are so far checked out from your husband that you no longer want to have sex with him.

He had a ONS. Don’t be like him. Face your marriage challenges and fix them or move on if you can’t.


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## nj_taltos (Sep 6, 2012)

Sorry, but what is ONS ?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

nj_taltos said:


> Sorry, but what is ONS ?


One night stand...


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## nj_taltos (Sep 6, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> One night stand...


Ah, thanks...so much of this thread rings close to home except for that part. 

Sent from my ASUS_X00ID using Tapatalk


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

I don't plan to go jump in bed with anyone, as stated in the original post I don't have expectations that this person is my lost soul mate. We've worked together for over 8 months and these feelings just started. She is also a she... which is another unusual step. 
I guess it's making me question my happiness in my marriage. It's not just a sexual feeling, it's that she listens without being defensive, we're laughing together and enjoy each other's company. So it's an emotional relationship I know I'm not getting from my husband, like having a best friend you can count on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Equis said:


> Married for 12 yrs, spouse is recovered alcoholic with at least one known ons 6 yrs ago, done better, different job and home more, np drinking, etc, we've worked on our relationship some. We have sex about every 2 weeks. Ive never had a strong drive anyway. He can have mood swings ...that make me crazy. I don't feel like he understands me at all, and we coexist but sometimes I wonder if there's much more. I started a new job earlier this year and in the last couple months I've been thinking about a coworker more often, and even having shivers thinking about them sometimes. I don't plan to run off thinking this might be my soul mate, but we get on great, joke, and can communicate good. I guess it's making me wonder if there's more to my low drive than just it being me. Have had blood work done, doctor checks, etc. Ive basically chalked it up to age and medication for non related health issues. I WANT to feel passionate, I just don't... these feelings are not something I'm used to. Advise?


Equis, how bad was his drinking when in the marriage or was he always sober for the 12 years? How did you deal with his infidelity?
Sometimes after you get through the roller coaster of being married to a RA, and you then have time to think, your head clears because you are no longer fire fighting, no longer waiting for the bomb to drop, living on he edge, then you begin to see your circumstances more clearly and your mind tells you it is time to move on. You see them for who they really are, you see how he treated you.
Alcoholics and RA are often empty shells of themselves and like any addict are usually very self centered. If he is in recovery that might account for his mood swings, his lack of connection. You have to decide do you want this for your future or not. Do you have kids?
Another man is giving you the attention your H does not give you.
Dont be a fool and cheat like he did. Go see a counsellor to discuss your feelings, to ensure you have healed, got over the past. If not, consider divorce, but not infidelity, it would not end well.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

The worked away from home 8 days or more, then home for 4 or so, etc. On the road he'd drink a case a night and pass out. The only reason i found out was a pocket call. He supposedly blacked out. He's been dry for 6 yrs.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Equis said:


> She is also a she... which is another unusual step.



Wow. The typical ‘Dave at the office’ syndrome, with an unusual gender twist!
Haven’t seen that happen very often....Try it. Why not? I’m not sure you love your husband anymore. Or haven’t, for a while already.
Might as well make the best of it. But break it off with him first.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Equis said:


> I don't plan to go jump in bed with anyone, as stated in the original post I don't have expectations that this person is my lost soul mate. We've worked together for over 8 months and these feelings just started. She is also a she... which is another unusual step.
> I guess it's making me question my happiness in my marriage. It's not just a sexual feeling, it's that she listens without being defensive, we're laughing together and enjoy each other's company. So it's an emotional relationship I know I'm not getting from my husband, like having a best friend you can count on.


You may find it helpful to separate your working relationship with someone you work with apart from a friendship. Imagine if you were to change jobs, would this person still be your friend or would they refocus their attention to a new person in your job position? 

What I am getting at is that work relationships are built on teamwork and accomplishing a task. Both people get paid to listen to one another and get along as part of the job. Take away the task at hand and being able to make a living by listening to one another, and the "friendship" may no longer work. Try calling up any of your "friends" from an old job. It will be a pleasant conversation, but rather short unless you have a specific reason for calling other than just to chat. 

In the meantime marriages are challenging and can be emotionally isolated at times. Use this time to work on yourself! Find a hobby that makes you happy. Then share that with your husband. Do not depend on him for your happiness and do not blame him for feeling little or no passion. Encourage him to have a hobby that makes him happy. Ask him about it. Perhaps try and find two hobbies that compliment each other. A good example is that one person might hunt/garden and the other might cook/can. With those two hobbies you can each help one another with the other person's hobby while doing it. 

Essentially that is building upon differentiation in your marriage. This is where you each do you own thing, but in combination they compliment each other to accomplish something meaningful. Much like two coworkers with different specialities that work together to accomplish a much bigger task than each would be able to do alone. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

My husband has no hobbies, gets upset when I tell him that he should get one. 

I actually maintain quite a few previous work friends. The person in question and myself talk outside of work, my daughter and her daughter run in the same circles. 

Im considering just laying low a bit and seeing what happens in the next several weeks.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Also, I feel like there is some reciprocating affection, but I don't know if that's true or I'm just seeing it there.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Equis said:


> My husband has no hobbies, gets upset when I tell him that he should get one.


In what context does he get upset? As in he is bored and looks to you for suggestions for something to do with/without you, or as in you need your own personal space and suggest a hobby as a way to divert his attention away from you?

Is he open to sharing a hobby with you? Good examples might be small home renovation projects or taking a cooking class together. 

My point being is that a hobby can be two things in marriage:

A) something that a spouse does independently to enjoy personal space
B) something a couple does to enjoy connecting with one another

Both are OK. But the context of what a hobby is and how it impacts the relationship differs greatly between those two. While I am probably projecting, I would guess your husband gets upset about you suggesting a hobby as it may come across as you telling him to go do anything else other than spending time with you. If that is the case, try sharing a hobby and see what happens.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

As in a hobby of his own. We are both good cooks, he doesn't like home improvements, lol. It's the words he hates to here. He has no friends, no projects of his own. He will go through bouts of saying how our life is boring, but then refuses to go on a trip. 
Our sex life is unfulfilling, and any time I make a suggestion of something to do different, or say something's not working for me, he pouts. 
I think I need to weigh out what it more important in my long term life... right now I don't feel like I have anyone to laugh with. To just talk to without being judged on my thoughts. Or a fulfilling sex life. But I do have consistency, stability, and someone I know will take care if me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Equis said:


> As in a hobby of his own. We are both good cooks, he doesn't like home improvements, lol. It's the words he hates to here. He has no friends, no projects of his own. He will go through bouts of saying how our life is boring, but then refuses to go on a trip.
> Our sex life is unfulfilling, and any time I make a suggestion of something to do different, or say something's not working for me, he pouts.
> I think I need to weigh out what it more important in my long term life... right now I don't feel like I have anyone to laugh with. To just talk to without being judged on my thoughts. Or a fulfilling sex life. But I do have consistency, stability, and someone I know will take care if me.


Does your religion forbid divorce?

I just don't understand why you seem to think staying with this shell of a human being is your *only* choice in life. Have you made dying a slow death with this guy some kind of personal life endurance test that you have to see to the bitter end?

Damn. Life is just *way* too short to waste on those who don't deserve your time.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Equis said:


> As in a hobby of his own. We are both good cooks, he doesn't like home improvements, lol. It's the words he hates to here. He has no friends, no projects of his own. He will go through bouts of saying how our life is boring, but then refuses to go on a trip.
> Our sex life is unfulfilling, and any time I make a suggestion of something to do different, or say something's not working for me, he pouts.
> I think I need to weigh out what it more important in my long term life... right now I don't feel like I have anyone to laugh with. To just talk to without being judged on my thoughts. Or a fulfilling sex life. But I do have consistency, stability, and someone I know will take care if me.


 @Equis at a glance (I could be wrong) it sounds as if routine is the key to solving many problems in your marriage. 

How do you take the concept of "routine" and make that feel "fun" and "spontaneous?" You have to allow you husband to do the planning and tell him you want it to be a surprise for you. Give him plenty of ideas of things you would enjoy and have fun doing together as a couple. Once you have conveyed these things to him, ask him to regularly plan those things out for the two of you. This way to your husband he can mentally prepare himself for something fun and make sure it is done in a way that he also has a good chance to enjoy with you.

I am projecting a little as I am thinking your husband may be autistic or at least extremely introverted. If the idea of going to the busiest part of downtown and just relaxing for a drink sounds like an absolute nightmare to your husband, it does not mean that doing that is off limits, you just have to give him a fair chance to plan for it. He may want to research well in advance where it is easy to park and have the area mapped out in his mind so he knows in advance easy directions and how to get you somewhere fun. He may actually enjoy the planning process and feel like he is exceptionally good at doing this for you. From your perspective you don't have to worry about anything, you just know something fun is scheduled for a particular evening and just let him take care of all the details. 

If this is indeed the case, the above example is a way your two personalities could compliment each other. It just takes a little planning and communication, but it can still happen. Do NOT expect immediate results, and anticipate some trial and error as you work out a process that helps make the most of your personalities working together to improve your quality of life. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This whole situation is striking a cord with me and making me wonder if there are some forces at work in general because is similar to something that has happene with a FWB of mine.

In regards to people's sexualities "rebooting", here is an personal experience that demonstrates what can happen both emotionally and physiologically.

My wife and I used to be involved in the swinging lifestyle. One if the last playmates we had was an old FWB of mine from back in my youth.

We had loosely kept in touch over the years and a couple years ago I reached out to her to see if she would be interested in reconnecting and having some experiences with us.

A little background on FWB: she was/is the most sexual person I had ever met and had ever had the most sexual chemistry with. I don't mean this in a bad way but she was not relationship/marriage material so we never had an actual relationship.

Anyway, she had not married, never had kids and had not had any kind is sexual activity for several years prior to me reaching out her. 

She was mid 50s, post menopausal and had not had a menstrual period for a couple years.

She also stated that she no longer had any innate sexual feelings and basically never thought about sexual anymore and figured that part of her being was over.

She was intrigued by the offer however and decided to take us up on it. We got together a number of times and our old chemistry was reignited and then some!!!

Within days of our first encounter she was a sexual beast even beyond what she was when we were 20 years old. She couldn't sleep at night and was constantly in a state of arouasal. 

She also went from being kind of an anti-porn church lady who hadn't mastubated in many years to up spanking to porn a number of times a week.

But here is the real interesting part - she began having her period again :-O

Now here is where I see some similarities to the OP, while we were having our monthly meet-ups, she got close to a female friend and coworker and they ended up hooking up and falling in love and after a couple months of a whirlwind romance, they got married.

(There is a whole lot more to that story which does involve me, but I'll save the details for another thread)

So she went from a post menopausal, amenorrheic, heterosexual that was anti-porn and had no innate sexual thoughts and hasn't spanked in years - to a hot, ravenous porn star who had wild, monkey sexy with an old FWB and his wife, to then meeting and having a hot romance and ultimate marriage with another woman. 

I don't know if there is something to the same-sex angle of post-menopausal sexual reboots or if this is just coincidence, but it is something that's made me go HMMMMM,


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I'd just work on your marriage and not rush into anything. Try and talk about it together. If he ever does anything with another person then divorce can be mentioned as an option. I don't see there are reasons to divorce. I think sex can be overestimated sometimes to the point where we think we need to divorce our spouses and go with someone else. I'd hang fire. If he is faithful things can still be talked about. You may just need some women friends which my wife has plenty of but a lesbian relationship would be grounds to divorce you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Equis said:


> As in a hobby of his own. We are both good cooks, he doesn't like home improvements, lol. It's the words he hates to here. He has no friends, no projects of his own. He will go through bouts of saying how our life is boring, but then refuses to go on a trip.
> Our sex life is unfulfilling, and any time I make a suggestion of something to do different, or say something's not working for me, he pouts.
> I think I need to weigh out what it more important in my long term life... right now I don't feel like I have anyone to laugh with. To just talk to without being judged on my thoughts. Or a fulfilling sex life. But I do have consistency, stability, and someone I know will take care if me.


It is hard to convey what I am trying to, but I will try my best. 

Your husband has issues. He is not just a home body, and whatever else. He is just miserable, he wants you to be miserable. He has lost the zest for life. 

Depression, maybe? Low T, maybe? Some other physiological disorder? Could be. But here is the deal. Your fear of making a move is going to, at some point, make you feel the same way. 

His issues are not yours and you cannot fix him. You can try and talk to him again, but if you do it needs to be like this: 

"I love you, but whatever your issue is, you need to fix it. I will not continue this marriage with you in the state you are in. You have x amount of time to figure out how you are going to fix this, or I will file for divorce." 

And it needs to be that cut and dry. 

What you are too scared to realize is that REAL love with an exciting sex life is out there for you if you have the courage to grab it and put in the work. 

But honestly, I don't ever think that will happen with your H...


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You need some time for yourself.
You need to start taking care of
your hopes, dreams, and desires.
You have stability but at what cost ?
No love, laughter or happiness. Is it 
worth the price being miserable ?

If you want to go on a trip then go !!
Live your life and maybe he will come 
with you. If not start a new one someplace 
else. Do not start another relationship until
you are ready and done with this one. If you 
are miserable and feeling the way you are, that could 
make you vulnerable to anyone who happens to
be there for you. Emotionally or physically. 

Decide what you want and how you want to life.
happy and loved or miserable. As BluesPower said you can't 
fix him. He has to want to and do it himself. You need to 
take care of you first. 

You have one life to live, live a great and happy one.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Ok update time. After my last post i did serious soul searching. Divorce papers are signed and I approached "dave from the office" and we are dating. We're a perfect match, from our likes and dislikes, to supporting each other through our insecurities. And the sex is mind blowing. I've never felt like this before, and not just in a sexual fashion. 
I regret not doing it sooner, I don't think I understood how bad off I really was emotionally by staying. The little put downs, etc. All built up over the years. 
Im realistic, but if I didn't try I would've regret it for the rest of my life. 
So far im happy. Im healing. My walls are gone, and im actually a little embarrassed to say... I don't miss my son too be ex. We talk every couple days, he's actually my biggest supporter to everyone, not being people out me down, 
and wants me to be happy.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You went about this all wrong. You really didn't do the soul searching like you should have. You were so desperate for attention and connection that you took the first boat that sailed by. It's the same reason people fall in love with their therapist. Same sex relationships can go sour too, and this one will go sour soon enough because it's an affair, a rebound, and a desperately-needed opportunity. I'm not wishing failure on you. I'm just saying that's the way these things go. It would have been better to divorce your husband first and then take some time to sort your life. You are now a lesbian, but you weren't a lesbian. If you were, you would have known it already. This is an opportunistic relationship just because it was something that presented itself in your time of need. I would also go so far as to say that she took advantage of you. If it were a guy who weaseled his way into your vulnerable heart, you would have fallen for him instead and felt the same way about him simply because you were vulnerable. There's a price tag attached to opportunistic people, and I hope you won't have to pay too dearly for jumping into this relationship. Especially with it being a work relationship with a person who exploited you like this, there could be some serious damage ahead.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think the divorce was the wisest choice you ever made.

"Dave" will likely be one of *many* relationships you'll have now that you're becoming single again. He's the 'exit affair,' the 'rebound' and your relationship with him likely won't last, but don't make the mistake of going back to your husband when it does end.

Good luck to you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think the divorce was the wisest choice you ever made.
> 
> "Dave" will likely be one of *many* relationships you'll have now that you're becoming single again. He's the 'exit affair,' the 'rebound' and your relationship with him likely won't last, but don't make the mistake of going back to your husband when it does end.
> 
> Good luck to you.


One should be cautious of the "Rebound Effect", but it's far from certain that these never work out.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Well, a very judgy group I must say. Firstly, this is not my first same sex relationship. Secondly I persued Dave, not the other way around. It was not an over night decision. It was a feeling that grew over months. Dave paid no special attention to me during that time. 
Why woud I go back to a marriage that I was miserable in for so long? 
In the last 6 wks with Dave i have been happy, not only sexually fulfilled, but actually have someone I want to sexually please. Some one i enjoy spending time with, taking to, and doing non sexual things with as well. This hasn't happened in over a decade. I now laugh, I smile, and my friends have noticed the difference and are very supportive. 
My marriage died 7 years ago when I was contemplating suicide and my husband laid on the couch ignoring me when I begged for help, because a therapist told him to ignore me when i act out. 
The last 6 weeks hasn't been perfect, there have been bumps, we have had melt downs over various things. Yet we have been there for each other. I can't explain what it's like to have someone who is your missing peices, to actually plan for things in your future together. 
I plan to continue to check in. Each day I am happier than the last. Usually a rebound goes the other way.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Sorry I was rash. I should say I feel starfire is judgy. I understand you're trying to be realistic, I assure you Im a very realistic person. 
Ive had many opportunities to start a relationship with other people, but never did. At one point i did have an attractive younger man actively pursuing me, but I didn't bite at that. 
To the others offering support thank you.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Still going strong, another week down. we love each other's company no matter if it's driving in the car or having sex.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

For anyone curious, things are still amazing here. Family is combining, kids are doing ok. Oddly enough my oldest daughter is having the hardest time and she doesn't even live at home, lol. Anyone whos never experienced finding their other half can't understand, and that's ok. Not feeling empty is amazing, I myself never thought this was possible.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for the update.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

Over 4 months, still happy as anything.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

If he's been sober for 12 years then that's no longer an issue. Obviously, it always be to some degree but if he's recovered from it then that part of info isn't relevant. You mentioned that he is very moody and that you have sex once every two weeks. That's likely the cause of his moodiness to be honest. He prob. resents you for that and for feeling neglected. I've been there and I ended up leaving a 16 year relationship in part because of a terrible sex life. Running of with another woman isn't going to fix anything unless he's OK with you being with a woman.


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## Equis (Nov 7, 2017)

I wanted to post another update, if anyone cares or finds it helpful, awesome. 
We're at almost a year, Me and "Dave" are still together and planning to get married next year. Never been happier. Still very civil with the ex. 

I do appreciate everything this forum's helped me through.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Fantastic and congrats !!!!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Your not going to get everything you need from your husband. He is your husband, not your girlfriend. 
The problem with marriages today is that we throw all these expectations on our spouse and want them to fulfill every need we have. This isn’t possible. We need friends and different people in our life to make our life happy and well rounded. 

Please listen to this great NPR discussion which explains why marriage is harder today. 


https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-become-so-hard


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Your not going to get everything you need from your husband. He is your husband, not your girlfriend.
> The problem with marriages today is that we throw all these expectations on our spouse and want them to fulfill every need we have. This isn’t possible. We need friends and different people in our life to make our life happy and well rounded.
> 
> Please listen to this great NPR discussion which explains why marriage is harder today.
> ...


Did you read the entire thread?

OP divorced her husband a year ago. She's dating someone else with the intent to get remarried. She posted an update below. 



Equis said:


> I wanted to post another update, if anyone cares or finds it helpful, awesome.
> We're at almost a year, Me and "Dave" are still together and planning to get married next year. Never been happier. Still very civil with the ex.
> 
> I do appreciate everything this forum's helped me through.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lila said:


> Did you read the entire thread?
> 
> OP divorced her husband a year ago. She's dating someone else with the intent to get remarried. She posted an update below.




Oops lol. Thanks


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Has your ex given up drinking or is that still a problem and has he moved as well? and i'm sorry Dave is a she right....i was a bit confused.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Has your ex given up drinking or is that still a problem and has he moved as well? and i'm sorry Dave is a she right....i was a bit confused.


Yeah Dave is a chick..... the OP is AC/DC.
I remembered reading her story when she first posted. Glad it worked out for them. We don’t get to hear the long terms results very often from people that come here.


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