# My story - broke up long time ago, just putting it out here



## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

A few months after I started dating my first long-term GF (and my first sexual partner), she cheated on me. Told me months afterwards. First told me he kissed her, the next day told me more happened. Since I didn't know this site or any other sites, I stayed but did many wrong things. I only told two friends to get support, I didn't insist on NC (he was part of her group of friends), I didn't insist on many of the things that are advocated here. I tried my hardest to make things ok. She had psychological issues and was on medication etc., attempted suicide/self-hurt in my presence. In hindsight, I was way too codependent, too Mr. Nice guy/KISA.

I did stand my ground on some things, for which I'm grateful, like no more unprotected sex, no sex at all for a while etc, to avoid pregnancy etc. After several short-term break-ups instigated by her, she finally left me, alleging that she needed to be single for a while because she had never been single for a long time and she wanted to develop on her own, to become strong. But at the same time she said that she didn't know what she'd do if the guy with whom she cheated asked her out and wanted to be with her. 

I stayed in touch for a while, thinking I had the truth and that we could eventually be friends (we went to the same college, had lots of common friends etc.) or even get back together. I was hurting, got into therapy and started working on my issues and getting over the hurt she caused. After finding this site and others, I started wondering if I ever got the full truth (probably not), I realized she was never remorseful (months afterwards she'd get mad if I triggered, accused me of dwelling on things ) etc. I realized I would have to get tested for STDs etc. I started feeling stupid for ever believing her, wondering if she ever loved me etc. And it made the fallout even worse than before when I was in denial/ignorant.

After that, I told her to never contact me again and that if we'd ever see each other by chance in public, that she should ignore. I've cut off my mutual friends since than, after staying in touch with them for too long.

It's been 3+ years since then, but only around 1 year since I discovered this site and started un-supressing things. It still hurts, and I still haven't let anyone get nearly as close to me as her. I haven't been in a real relationship since. I still love her, I think, and I still hate what she has done. So it's a funny place to be in. I'm trying to come to terms and find some sort of inner closure, and reading here has, thus far, helped. I'm still attending therapy, for issues related to her and issues pre-dating her. I think rationally I have many things figured out now, but emotionally I'm still way behind.

I'll try to post to other threads and perhaps help people here, because I like helping people and because I think/hope that reading, talking&thinking about these things here will help me get an understanding of myself, her and our relationship/what happened, and ultimately lead me to finding a place of acceptance/indifference towards this and her.

So thank you all for running and participating on this site, and my best wishes to all of you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You are early 20s?
You did NOT marry?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hobbes, i am sorry for your situation....but something you said and what i have read and heard from others well, is what i call the "i still love her/him" clause when ever they discuss their situation......now i am not at suggesting that is not the case but what i am suggesting is that we need to examine whether we are truly and deeply in love with that person or more to the point what that person represented in our desire for love and relationship...do you miss the actual person or the feeling of love that person brought to the relationship...the latter being something you can address by slowly opening yourself up in a new a potential relationship. I realize also it can and often times be both but which if you were to venture to guess has the greater weight?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Good that you cut off contact with her.

I do hope sometime you find a way past her. What has your counselor said about getting past her? 

It seems like you still think she was a good person and have her in high regard. When you are ready, there are many others out there that will not cheat on you and will help boost your self-esteem. Self-esteem takes a real hard shot with the cheating.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

@weightlifter:

Thanks for the comment. Now I'm in my late 20s. We didn't marry. We said we'd marry once I'd finish my masters degree, talked about starting a family (picked names for the kids&everything), but things went south before any of that happened. (Un)Fortunately. I know this is a predominantly marriage forum, but I've been lurking here for a long time and found it extremely helpful, so I hope I'm not overstepping any lines.

I had planned on marrying her and spending "the rest of my life" with her.

Thanks again.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

@xenote

Thank you for a though-out and kind reply.

To be honest, I don't know. That's one of the reasons I wrote "I think", because I'm not sure. After her, I've been in several more brief relationship, but I was always holding myself back, both out of fear of getting hurt again, but I think even more for fear of hurting the other person due to my issues. My ex started dating me before she got truly over the hurt her ex, and it was extremely hard for me once she and I realized that. So her "baggage", her ex and her personal issues (FOO issues, psychological issues etc.) contributed a lot to the difficulty od the relationship. 

So when we broke up, I was extremely determined to never ever hurt someone like she had hurt me, so I was very honest with every girl that come close to dating me about everything, so that each girl would have an idea of what she'd be getting herself into Most of them wisely decided to disengage, and with some I saw myself I wasn't all that into or that they were too young to fully comprehend how much I could hurt them due to my issues. And I've never been the one for casual sex etc., so I couldn't get over her by getting under someone else

In the few relationships, the other girls were quite invested, wanted to spend a lot of time with me etc., but it never got me fully invested. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I didn't click with them etc., but for whatever reason, the relationships soon ended. So I think that while I do miss being in a relationship, I don't miss it that much that I'd want to or be able to be just with anyone. And as for my feelings for her, like I said, it's kind of like love-hate -> I still have very positive feelings for her, but I still have very negative feelings as well. I still wish I could some day end up with her, that we'd work things out now that we'd both be more mature etc., and not with someone else. I have met women who were rationally much "better" for me, that had her good sides without the bad things, like cheating, lying, mood swings etc., but I never got so attracted to them despite their interest. Perhaps a sign of my broken picker 

And now that I've been uncovering issues from my early childhood, I can see it will be a long time before I'll be able to be in a healthy, functional relationship, so I'm staying away from women for the foreseable future.

Thanks again for the reply! Best wishes to you!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

@harrybrown

Thanks a lot for the reply!

Yes, unfortunately my bum & my heart still haven't figured out my brain has - that she was a deeply troubled person and that I'm lucky I got away before she got "accidentally" pregnant or gave me an STD. While it's been relaxing to not be in touch with her, on the other hand I wonder whether seeing her act single or learning about her behaviour afterwards etc. would have helped me really see the real her. But after we broke up and were still in very occasional contact, I told everyone not to tell me what she was doing in life.

My counsellor at the time was focused on rebuilding my self image and digging deep for underlying issues. So we uncovered buried issues of emotional and other kind of abuse from my toxic family, abandonment issues from one half of my family (we haven't spoken to the them in over 10 years, since they cut off contact because of some inheritance issues). And lately we've been having to focus on my anxiety issues which have made me into a very hypohondric persone and severly limit my everyday life. So I've recently started taking anti-depressants.

Up to two years ago, I was basically having to be mr. Superman - helping to take care of everyone in my family financially, emotionally etc., job, college, extracurricular projects on a grand scale, and before that I was also taking care of my ex, and then my body and minds started to crack up and burn out, I've spent most of my money on therapy and doctors, and now I've been dealing with the fallout of 20+ years of not so great things. So my ex is currently a "minor" problem compared to the rest, but still... I guess it hurts because my period with her was the only period when I felt happy, like I had it all and things were normal and had a good future to look to. So maybe that's what I miss the most, more than her as the individual.

Thanks again for the reply!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> @weightlifter:
> 
> Thanks for the comment. Now I'm in my late 20s. We didn't marry. We said we'd marry once I'd finish my masters degree, talked about starting a family (picked names for the kids&everything), but things went south before any of that happened. (Un)Fortunately. I know this is a predominantly marriage forum, but I've been lurking here for a long time and found it extremely helpful, so I hope I'm not overstepping any lines.
> 
> ...


Pheeeew !

That's what you should be feeling my friend - you've just dodged one of the biggest baddest bullets that exist

Many of us know this same feeling, years after the event, the feeling that rather annoyingly you still know you love them but realize of course that you could not ever be back living with them not unless you want to end up in an asylum as they cake eat their way through your life 

Good moves my man 

(fwiw it does sound like she has issues maybe BPDisorder, But trust me if she is that's an even bigger bullet you've got away from 

All in all I'd consider at your age, to have lived with a cheat, not married, not had kids, a Borderline Personality disordered person you've effectively won the lottery !

Really I would


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

@headspin!

Thanks a lot! Yes, I try to tell myself after time I think of her that "You're lucky you didn't marry her, have kids or got an STD from her". But like you said, it's quite frustrating to have such a disconnect within you towards them, of being able to focus on their good sides and ignoring the bad things. 

It's quite possible she has some sort of disorder, it certainly would fit some of the things I've experienced. That's one of the reasons I somehow wish I stayed in the loop and found out what she's being going through afterwards, so I could be reassured that I wasn't the reason... A couple of weeks ago we walked past each other, she was with some other dude. I just walked on like a stranger, she turned her head away. It was weird, and it was like getting punched in the gut. I think I've only recently started to let myself truly grieve & process everything. Oh well, like you said, won the lottery. I read stories here and try to imagine myself having to go through that (if I had stayed with her) and I feel so relieved (though I am incredibly sad that other have to).

Thanks again!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You are not overstepping boundaries.

I just like context.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Ah, thanks, I got worried for a moment


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> @weightlifter:
> 
> Thanks for the comment. Now I'm in my late 20s. We didn't marry. We said we'd marry once I'd finish my masters degree, talked about starting a family (picked names for the kids&everything), but things went south before any of that happened. (Un)Fortunately. I know this is a predominantly marriage forum, but I've been lurking here for a long time and found it extremely helpful, so I hope I'm not overstepping any lines.
> 
> ...


This is an infidelity forum so you're welcome.

My friend as hard as it is you did the right thing at the time. Can you imagine if you had been married, had kids and this behavior was continuing? It would have been a mess.

You invested a lot in her and the relationship, so getting over it is tough. But you look at the positives. You're studying for your future, now life is what you make it. It's all in your hands, and that is a precious gift.

Instead of looking back and focusing on the cheating. Stand up now and look in the mirror and look at the man who had the b*lls to stand up for himself and refuse to be disrespected. A man whose future is his to decide, can go out with any woman he wants and take his time in the relationship


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You said that this was your first long term relationship and first sexual partner. 

That can explain why it's hard for you to let go. The first one is along with the fact that she was your first sexual partner too.

In a way you got lucky because from what you have said about her, she has a lot of emotional baggage and you don't need that. Sooner or later it will mount time and smother you.

Get your head clear and when the time is right for you, put yourself out there and find another girl. This time, what you need to do is open your ears and listen to what she's saying and you can get a pretty clear picture of the type of girl she is and if she's what your looking for.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> Ah, thanks, I got worried for a moment


I get a kick out of this.

I deal with guys who LET THEIR WIVES test drive another man, (That is, travel to take an EA make it a PA) knowing she will sleep with him then hope the wife comes back.

On another forum there is a current thread where a guy wants his wife back and she is preggers with another mans baby.

As a man. THAT is what I find offensive.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

OP i had passed your experience. I was about to get married (35 days to the wedding) when i caught my ex red handed with my (ex) best friend (also engaged). In my case it was good enough rewinding what I saw to help myself get over it and move on. 
In your case it was your first in all...... 
glad you are here and i'm looking forward to see you on other threads to share your thuoght and opinion.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> This is an infidelity forum so you're welcome.
> 
> My friend as hard as it is you did the right thing at the time. Can you imagine if you had been married, had kids and this behavior was continuing? It would have been a mess)/.../


Hi, thanks a lot for the uplifting comment! Yes, you're right, I'm counting my blessings I didn't have kids with her, it would be so hard to have to deal with her for the next 18 years/rest of my life, and I shudder to think how much the kids would suffer because of all of it.

Thanks also for the rest of the post! In hindsight, I was miserable after I found out she had cheated, so for that I'm glad I'm not her fool anymore.

Thanks and good luck to you too!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

6301 said:


> You said that this was your first long term relationship and first sexual partner.
> 
> That can explain why it's hard for you to let go. The first one is along with the fact that she was your first sexual partner too.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

You're right, her being my first almost everything really makes it more difficult. But I see now how unhealthy that relationship was and how she was unwilling to work on herself and our relationship. Like you said, people in most cases "tell" you or show you who they are very soon at the start of dating, you just have to pay attention. I've dodged a lot of bullets since because I pay attention

Thanks again, and best wishes to you too!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

jack.c said:


> OP i had passed your experience. I was about to get married (35 days to the wedding) when i caught my ex red handed with my (ex) best friend (also engaged). In my case it was good enough rewinding what I saw to help myself get over it and move on.
> In your case it was your first in all......
> glad you are here and i'm looking forward to see you on other threads to share your thuoght and opinion.


Hi.

I'm so sorry to hear about the double betrayal! I cannot fathom the pain, but I'm glad you found out before you invested more time&everything into your relationships with them. I look forward to seeing your posts and updates about better things in your life.

Thanks for the kind post, and I'll see you around


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Agree on the comments of dodging a bullet! Well done! wish I had dodged that same bullet 25 years ago!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> She had psychological issues and was on medication etc., *attempted suicide/self-hurt* in my presence.


Hobbes, I agree with *Headspin* that you might benefit from reading about BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. Suicide attempts and self harming are strongly associated with having strong BPD traits. A 2004 study, for example, concluded that _"the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder."_ See BPD and Self Injury Study.

If you would like to read more about BPD red flags, an easy place to start is my description of them at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs ring a bell, you may want to read my more detailed description of them in my post at Maybe's Thread. Take care, Hobbes.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Hobbes be careful mate, I pined after an ex gf for almost 20 years. I thought I still lived her. Thankfully she got married and then I was able to let go. During those 20 years my fanties about this woman constantly clouded any other relationship I had with some amazing women. Glad you are in therapy.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Agree on the comments of dodging a bullet! Well done! wish I had dodged that same bullet 25 years ago!


Thanks! I'm sorry to hear you didn't, but I hope you are more happy now!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Uptown said:


> Hobbes, I agree with *Headspin* that you might benefit from reading about BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. *...* Take care, Hobbes.


Thank you so much for your post/links, they have been very helpful! She once mentioned to me that she was diagnosed with "emotional imbalance" - is that, if you perhaps know or in your opinion, a second name for one of the personal disorders? Or is that more of a description that she's prone to mood swings?

Thanks again! Best wishes!


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Hobbes be careful mate, I pined after an ex gf for almost 20 years. I thought I still lived her. Thankfully she got married and then I was able to let go. During those 20 years my fanties about this woman constantly clouded any other relationship I had with some amazing women. Glad you are in therapy.


Thanks a lot for the warning! I'm sorry to hear that. May I ask what happened that you stopped thinking about her? Did her getting married do it or was it something else too?

Thanks for the reply!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> She once mentioned to me that she was diagnosed with "emotional imbalance" - is that, if you perhaps know or in your opinion, a second name for one of the personal disorders? Or is that more of a description that she's prone to mood swings?


Hobbes, if drug abuse and a hormone change (e.g., pregnancy) can be ruled out, the two remaining common causes of emotional instability are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one in which instability is a defining trait (narcissists and sociopaths, for example, are generally very stable). Indeed, instability is such a key feature of BPD that a substantial share of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change its name to "Emotional Regulation Disorder."

Similarly, bipolar (previously known as "Manic Depression Disorder") is notorious for producing instability. The main difference is that, whereas bipolar mood changes are caused by a gradual change in body chemistry, BPD mood changes are caused by distorted perceptions of other peoples' intentions. If you're interested, Hobbes, I describe other major differences at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Thanks again! That was a very helpful post, and a great link. I think bipolar fits her much better, as she had very little symptoms of BPD. I remember she was telling me she suffered from depression, and was taking anti-depressants every day when we met, per orders of her psychiatrist. After I while, she started cutting them down (I assume on advice from her psychiatrist) and by the end she was taking them once a week. I remember reading a lot about depression (she gave me stuff to read), so I always tried to help her overcome her bad periods etc.

She never devalued me, never flipped switches instantenously, she trusted me, she wanted me near her when she felt bad (though often she wanted me there but at the same time she wanted me to go away, so she could deal with it alone etc.), she didn't create facts (though she exaggerated sometimes), she was rarely angry but usually sad/feeling worthless.

I don't know. I wish I paid more attention and was more proactive, but at the time I trusted her and her doctor, I read what she had asked me to read and tried to do my best.

Now, having read your post, I wonder if things would have been different if I were more proactive, if her doctor were better,... damn, damn, damn. Fudge  It's been years...

But thanks. I don't know what would be worse from my selfish point of, her having BPD, bipolar or "just" depression... I'm glad for her that she has the less serious problems, but a small, ugly part of me would have preferred if she had BPD, because I would feel less guilty, I'd wonder less what I could have done more. Damn, sometimes I'm a really bad guy... Gotta fight it and be happy for her that she'll be able to be truly happy with proper medication.

Life. Fudge.

Thanks again, it means a lot!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> @headspin!
> 
> Thanks a lot! Yes, I try to tell myself after time I think of her that "You're lucky you didn't marry her, have kids or got an STD from her". But like you said, it's quite frustrating to have such a disconnect within you towards them, of being able to focus on their good sides and ignoring the bad things.
> 
> ...


Oh, God! Yeah. Know the feeling well! It is just like being punched.

Took me several years to get over the hurt when my first LTR girlfriend threw me over for a woman.

I didn't date for years, until a married couple introduced me to a friend of theirs and I started dating again.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> Thanks a lot for the warning! I'm sorry to hear that. May I ask what happened that you stopped thinking about her? Did her getting married do it or was it something else too?
> 
> Thanks for the reply!


Sure you may ask. What stopped me thinking about her, was she got married. That is what it took for me. 

Prior to that we still talked and would sometimes hangout(nothing romantic, but it kept my hopes alive.) 

Another important but somewhat sad point is that after she married I went no contact. I deleted her from FB, email, phone, everywhere. That helped me forget about her too. I wish her all the best, but there is no reason for her to be in my life today.


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