# Help? Female Masturbation



## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

To be horribly blunt about it, I think I don't really know *how* to masturbate. 

I have a very non-invasive way of taking the edge off, but to use porn as an example... I don't know how to do that and bring myself to orgasm. I don't know my body much at all, or how to touch myself, what is pleasing, and what would bring me to climax. To be fair, my husband doesn't either (I mean, outside of actual sex)- close, but, we've never gotten there. 

This has recently gotten to me however, because a couple of times now, my husband as alluded to wanting to watch me masturbate. He's not one to really fantasize or ever ask me for much of anything, so it kind of kills me that I cannot do this for him because I don't know *how*! I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew what to do.

I realize I could go lie in bed and just explore but, I think that would just lead to me being even more frustrated and upset. Please help? I realize this is my first post, but I came here in search of a safe place to find answers because that is how distressed I am with my situation. Thank you for reading, and any advice you can think to suggest.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*but, we've never gotten there*
never got where.


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

accept said:


> *but, we've never gotten there*
> never got where.


Climax. We've played around a little a few times, but he's only been able to get me to orgasm while we have sex. 

This feels so so sad the more I talk about it


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LoveMeTruly said:


> Climax. We've played around a little a few times, but he's only been able to get me to orgasm while we have sex.
> 
> This feels so so sad the more I talk about it


Don't feel sad. Look at it instead as an OPPORTUNITY for you and your husband to explore together.

Is there any reason why you two can't "play around" together more? Spend more time just exploring each other's bodies?

I know that people will have all different kinds of experiences to share, but for me, it was actually more gratifying for my H and I to explore each other and ourselves TOGETHER to find what worked for us. What worked for me in solo was hard to duplicate when he and different angles and pressures were involved. But watching each other and touching each other can be both stimulating and educational. 

Best wishes.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Go buy a vibrator. There are tons of them. Once you can orgasm, you know what to feel, what it feels like and how to get yourself there. It feels sooooo good. I like the bullet personally because it focuses on just my c***. I too can O from penetration and I prefer it over my c***. It means more to my heart because it is done by my hubby during sex. 

Don't feel embarressed or ashamed going into an adult store either. The staff has seen it all. They can help you find the right vibrator for you with different speeds and such. 

If you don't want a vibrator, you can lock your door, pour a glass of wine, put on some sexy music, spread your legs and rub away!!!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Hope you don't mind a male perspective. I am not very good at all about giving my wife an orgasm with my fingers (well, not since we were teenagers anyway). I am very successful orally however. Can he get you off that way?

My wife uses a vibrator to masturbate (she does not do it often, mostly for me). She makes sure there is plenty of lube and uses it mostly on her clitoris. She sometimes uses the "rabbit" which gives simultaneous stimulation to the vagina (g-spot) and the clitoris.

Keep experimenting. The journey can be fun for both of you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If there is pressure to 'perform' it will sabotage any attempts to achieve an orgasm through masturbation. A state of complete relaxation with no expectations often helps.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If you decide to buy a vibrator, the rabbit ones are the best!

Adamandeve.com will refund your money or exchange in 90 days if you don't like it. Its a great website to buy sex toys from!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

If you don't feel comfortable going into an adult store, you can purchase one of those small body massager things from any Walmart, K-Mart, etc. I got one years ago, and it's still my fav. It has little attachments you can switch out on the end but I just use the ball looking one to focus on my clit. It's a plug in too, so I don't have to worry about batteries, just a wall outlet close by. We also use it during intercourse sometimes to focus on my clit while he's inside of me. My favorite way right now  Good luck to you!


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Don't feel sad. Look at it instead as an OPPORTUNITY for you and your husband to explore together.
> 
> Is there any reason why you two can't "play around" together more? Spend more time just exploring each other's bodies?
> 
> ...


There are probably a lot of reasons we don't play around more. Some more practical than others. He works a lot. His sex drive is not the same as mine . Psychologically I don't feel okay with my body, so much so that my anxiousness has prevented climax before  So why would I want him playing around exactly?

I already know his body very very well and the lack of reciprocal knowledge and action is another sad thing to think about. I already ask so much of him, this really does just feel like one more thing to add to the list (but that would be a whole other post). I feel like I'm very much on my own with this. 

Thank you for your help and care


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Do some self exploration! 
No one will ever know your own body better than you. So when you have some time to yourself, start exploring and see what you like and what feels good.


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

Re: vibrators

I have a 'realistic' one that I bought in the store a few years back. It's quite nice, three speeds at the press of a button, and shaped rather like my husband. I'm not prudish at all, so I don't mind going in them, and seeing what's available. 

Again, I guess it's really a matter of really knowing what to do with myself. Thank you for the website recommendation- that sounds like it could have some good Christmas presents on it


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

romantic_guy said:


> Hope you don't mind a male perspective. I am not very good at all about giving my wife an orgasm with my fingers (well, not since we were teenagers anyway). I am very successful orally however. Can he get you off that way?
> 
> My wife uses a vibrator to masturbate (she does not do it often, mostly for me). She makes sure there is plenty of lube and uses it mostly on her clitoris. She sometimes uses the "rabbit" which gives simultaneous stimulation to the vagina (g-spot) and the clitoris.
> 
> Keep experimenting. The journey can be fun for both of you.


I'm delighted to have a male perspective, thank you Romantic_Guy  

The one really good encounter we had, he was using his fingers and mouth, and I got so so close  But I couldn't even describe what he was doing that worked. Very very frustrating. 

Can she masturbate without a vibrator to orgasm? I don't know if it's just the purist in me, but I think it'd be hotter to be able to accomplish it without 'assistance.'


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

michzz said:


> Give yourself permission to do it. Then just try it out. There are tons of information sites that would give you the basics on how.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now that sounds like the really hard part- give myself permission to do it. I'd have to get through the massive amount of shame and humiliation I feel about not knowing my own body (especially when I know my husbands so well). 

Are there tons of good sites? I'm not sure how to find *useful* information on it- as they say in Avenue Q, the internet is for porn- everything is just stuff for the times in between! I'd really love a good video series, one that's maybe not too dated? I'm not embarrassed by sexual things, just me and my own body. It's such a bizarre juxtaposition. I can please my husband in bed, I write good smut, but... I can't do anything with my own body


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LoveMeTruly said:


> There are probably a lot of reasons we don't play around more. Some more practical than others. He works a lot. His sex drive is not the same as mine . Psychologically I don't feel okay with my body, so much so that my anxiousness has prevented climax before  So why would I want him playing around exactly?
> 
> I already know his body very very well and the lack of reciprocal knowledge and action is another sad thing to think about. I already ask so much of him, this really does just feel like one more thing to add to the list (but that would be a whole other post). I feel like I'm very much on my own with this.
> 
> Thank you for your help and care


If I may bring another male perspective to the table. If your husband is like me then your pleasure is his pleasure. Over the years I have encouraged my wife to tell me what she enjoys so I know how to please her. Men are not mind readers although most of us wish we were. If you can verbalize what feels good he will probably be grateful. I know I used to get frustrated at the hit and miss method. Knowing what works for my wife is very much a relief.


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> If I may bring another male perspective to the table. If your husband is like me then your pleasure is his pleasure. Over the years I have encouraged my wife to tell me what she enjoys so I know how to please her. Men are not mind readers although most of us wish we were. If you can verbalize what feels good he will probably be grateful. I know I used to get frustrated at the hit and miss method. Knowing what works for my wife is very much a relief.


This I hope does not sound whiny or cranky (oh the internet and your lack of tone) but if I go with the assumption that my pleasure is his pleasure, then... why doesn't he try harder (or maybe just more?)? We've had a few awesome encounters the past month or so, but in spite of (what I believe of course) clearly expressing my enjoyment of the changes/variety... nothin'. I feel like I am so missing something right now.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Cherry said:


> If you don't feel comfortable going into an adult store, you can purchase one of those small body massager things from any Walmart, K-Mart, etc. I got one years ago, and it's still my fav. It has little attachments you can switch out on the end but I just use the ball looking one to focus on my clit. It's a plug in too, so I don't have to worry about batteries, just a wall outlet close by. We also use it during intercourse sometimes to focus on my clit while he's inside of me. My favorite way right now  Good luck to you!


:iagree::iagree:
Sometimes I like to use my neck massager on low speed.
Most times, I just rub my fingers in a circle on my clitoris.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I've never been one to self-explore either, but I definitely O with my H almost every time. What broke me of the it's okay to touch myself was when he was deployed all the dang time. Start slow and don't expect to get yourself there the first time. Take some wine, sexy music and a small waterproof vibe into the bath and run yourself a nice warm bubble bath, sit back, relax and start slowly. If you don't have a waterproof one, just use your fingers. The bubble bath will help you with self-image issues because it will hide parts of your body and maybe let you focus more on the goal. I hope that you can learn to accept your body, obviously your hubby still finds you sexy or you wouldn't know his body so well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

LoveMeTruly said:


> This I hope does not sound whiny or cranky (oh the internet and your lack of tone) but if I go with the assumption that my pleasure is his pleasure, then... why doesn't he try harder (or maybe just more?)? We've had a few awesome encounters the past month or so, but in spite of (what I believe of course) clearly expressing my enjoyment of the changes/variety... nothin'. I feel like I am so missing something right now.


This is a question you should ask him. Couples don't often communicate very well when it comes to sex. They just assume that their partner should "know" things. In our case my wife didn't say anything because she was afraid she would seem critical and I would be insulted. While I just assumed she was fine with what I was doing. It was only when we started really talking that we realized we really didn't know that much about each other when it came to sexual fulfillment. Since then we have experimented with many things in the bedroom. Some work, some don't. But the fact that we are always talking to each other and share in the experiences makes it all good in the end.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Another mans perspective: 

First you are very cool to want to do this for you/H. For whatever it is worth you are not alone...It is also great you seem enthusiastic. H is lucky. 

I like the idea of the bath with wine as they both will relax you. 

While i think vibrators are great they don't teach you some of the nuances to what is really pushing your buttons. It is like handing a kid a calculator, yes they can add but, they will not learn...(perhaps bad analogy. There is much to read,see on the internet. 

One think i found helpful was to google anatomy of clitorus. I was surprised to find that much of it is located under the part that sticks out (i think they call it the "hood" or whatever. Like an iceberg much of it lies beneath. This has been useful to help me/my wife to stimulate her manually. Massaging the whole area against the pelvic bone can be quite stimulating. Again, try a bunch of thing and see what you respond well to. I would let H know you are not ready to do this with him just yet to take some of the pressure off of you. Again this will serve to have you relaxed. I would think there would be a whole lot of material online IE videos that could demonstrate what other women do as well. 

Good luck but, more important have fun


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LoveMeTruly said:


> Now that sounds like the really hard part- give myself permission to do it. I'd have to get through the massive amount of shame and humiliation I feel about not knowing my own body (especially when I know my husbands so well).
> 
> Are there tons of good sites? I'm not sure how to find *useful* information on it- as they say in Avenue Q, the internet is for porn- everything is just stuff for the times in between! I'd really love a good video series, one that's maybe not too dated? I'm not embarrassed by sexual things, just me and my own body. It's such a bizarre juxtaposition. I can please my husband in bed, I write good smut, but... I can't do anything with my own body


Here's one site you might be interested in looking at: Give Her An Orgasm - GiveHerAnOrgasm.com


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Do some self experimentation, only you will know what works for you..

As they say practice makes perfect.


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

LBG said:


> I've never been one to self-explore either, but I definitely O with my H almost every time. What broke me of the it's okay to touch myself was when he was deployed all the dang time. Start slow and don't expect to get yourself there the first time. Take some wine, sexy music and a small waterproof vibe into the bath and run yourself a nice warm bubble bath, sit back, relax and start slowly. If you don't have a waterproof one, just use your fingers. The bubble bath will help you with self-image issues because it will hide parts of your body and maybe let you focus more on the goal. I hope that you can learn to accept your body, obviously your hubby still finds you sexy or you wouldn't know his body so well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for making me smile  I like the bath idea, and, lol, Lord Fairfax (we women tend to name EVERYTHING right?) is waterproof. The bubbles and the music and the wine- everything is such a good idea! Much better than flopping down into bed with my MacBook, Lord Fairfax, and a handful of helpful sites  Though, I always do my research first ^_^ And thank you for considering how I feel about my body too, I like to think I must still be a little bit sexy to him somehow?


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> This is a question you should ask him. Couples don't often communicate very well when it comes to sex. They just assume that their partner should "know" things. In our case my wife didn't say anything because she was afraid she would seem critical and I would be insulted. While I just assumed she was fine with what I was doing. It was only when we started really talking that we realized we really didn't know that much about each other when it came to sexual fulfillment. Since then we have experimented with many things in the bedroom. Some work, some don't. But the fact that we are always talking to each other and share in the experiences makes it all good in the end.


Communicating is always the hard part of every relationship, I agree and know this. But there's so much going on with us right now, and one of us is bound to get upset if we bring up any sore spots right now. It's hard to give him feedback because a.) he insists I'm amazing and there's nothing more he could imagine wanting from me and b.) he's rather sensitive about his performance, and I can't even imagine how to tell him there are things I'd like to try without him becoming defensive or upset


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

tjohnson said:


> Another mans perspective:
> 
> First you are very cool to want to do this for you/H. For whatever it is worth you are not alone...It is also great you seem enthusiastic. H is lucky.
> 
> ...


 Thank you! I'm a mix of very nervous and very adamant about correcting this. I am very excited to try the bath idea! 

I am glad to hear what you said about vibrators, it's rather how I feel about it. I will take Lord Fairfax to the bath with me, but only because I hope he'll help me learn faster where and what feels good. And while I know this is learning how to properly please myself, I do consider what it will be like to do it for my husband, and I'd like to not bring in back up support, lol. 

The hubby doesn't actually know about all this (yet?). He's mentioned a few times over the past several months, and it just kind of hit me the other day and I freaked out about it. And well, here I am  Thank you for sharing what works for your wife- I have so much to learn!! ^_^


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## LoveMeTruly (Dec 13, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Here's one site you might be interested in looking at: Give Her An Orgasm - GiveHerAnOrgasm.com


Thank you for the site!!! I may just sneak off and study a bit tonight while the husband is gaming 

And thank you *all* for the kinds, supportive, and wonderful things you've said and shared with me. I feel so incredibly lucky to have found such a great community!


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I like to watch my wife masturbate, but she doesn't climax. Why should that be a problem? When we do it she masturbates until I am really turned on and then we go for it. Just chill, the journey is more important than the destination.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

The journey is the reward. I could just sit back and watch my wife masturbate for hours. That would keep me edging and feeling perfect.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

annagarret said:


> Go buy a vibrator. There are tons of them. Once you can orgasm, you know what to feel, what it feels like and how to get yourself there. It feels sooooo good. I like the bullet personally because it focuses on just my c***. I too can O from penetration and I prefer it over my c***. It means more to my heart because it is done by my hubby during sex.
> 
> Don't feel embarressed or ashamed going into an adult store either. The staff has seen it all. They can help you find the right vibrator for you with different speeds and such.
> 
> If you don't want a vibrator, you can lock your door, pour a glass of wine, put on some sexy music, spread your legs and rub away!!!


You don't need to go to an adult store. Stop off at Brookstone at your local mall they have a lovely selection. And if you're lucky they might have a two for one sale.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Get any of the betty dodson (Ph.d.) books or videos. They always help


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Certainly there must be other authors than Dr. Dobson


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

LoveMeTruly said:


> Now that sounds like the really hard part- give myself permission to do it. I'd have to get through the massive amount of shame and humiliation I feel about not knowing my own body (especially when I know my husbands so well).
> 
> Are there tons of good sites? I'm not sure how to find *useful* information on it- as they say in Avenue Q, the internet is for porn- everything is just stuff for the times in between! I'd really love a good video series, one that's maybe not too dated? I'm not embarrassed by sexual things, just me and my own body. It's such a bizarre juxtaposition. I can please my husband in bed, I write good smut, but... I can't do anything with my own body


 Practice makes perfect


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I have been practicing for over 40 years, and Ladybird's advice is accurate.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You want to explore and have fun with each other? May I suggest a large bottle of baby oil, pot of very hot water to warm it in, and the game Twister.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

What an awesome problem to have. I can't believe I am a schmuck sitting here wishing I could have sex more than 3 or 4 times a year. I am so jealous if your husband. So so jealous. How did I get myself into this mess...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You just have to explore your own body. You know what feels good and what doesn't. Things always get better with practice no matter what it is.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

KendalMintcake said:


> What an awesome problem to have. I can't believe I am a schmuck sitting here wishing I could have sex more than 3 or 4 times a year. I am so jealous if your husband. So so jealous. How did I get myself into this mess...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I know right., me too =(


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## 33N 96W (Aug 25, 2012)

As a 11-12 year old my wife discovered the happiness of a vibrator. The first time she tried the vibrator she climaxed & she instinctively knew what had just happened. When her parents were not at home and she had the time, she used to vibrator multiple-times sometimes.

After we married we expected the other to masturbate when we were separated (which was about 40% of the time). 

I bought her "our" first vibrator a in our third decade of marriage. She was thrilled & I enjoyed watching her.

In about one thousand days we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We have two Magic Wands & one Eroscillator. Because of some physical limitations we rarely have intercourse but that has been replaced with mutual masturbation.

Remember it is Your Body and the clit...has only one function and that is Pleasure...the Owners Pleasure.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Cherry said:


> If you don't feel comfortable going into an adult store, you can purchase one of those small body massager things from any Walmart, K-Mart, etc. I got one years ago, and it's still my fav. It has little attachments you can switch out on the end but I just use the ball looking one to focus on my clit. It's a plug in too, so I don't have to worry about batteries, just a wall outlet close by. We also use it during intercourse sometimes to focus on my clit while he's inside of me. My favorite way right now  Good luck to you!


When my sister-in-law was moving, she had gave one of these Wal-Mart "back massagers" to my then-11 year old daughter. The really sad part is that my SIL thought it was perfectly fine to give that to a pre-teen, because she thought it was JUST a massager.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

You should sit your SIL down and explain how that massager could be used.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

ankh said:


> You should sit your SIL down and explain how that massager could be used.


Sure! I can just see it now:

We're exchanging gifts with my wife's family this weekend. During a lunch, I'll pull her aside and quietly say, "You know that massager you gave my daughter two years ago? Well, if you got another one, you can also use it to stimulate your clitoris to the point of orgasm. Would you like some pie?"

Yeah... I'm sure that would go over just _fine_. :rofl:


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Give it a try....do you have chat/email access to your SIL? I mean can you communicate privately to her? Maybe share your knowledge, where its' dicreet.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

ankh said:


> Give it a try....do you have chat/email access to your SIL? I mean can you communicate privately to her? Maybe share your knowledge, where its' dicreet.


If I do that, I promise you there's a Lifetime movie coming my way.


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