# Celebrating 3 years of steadily improving life! :)



## SamuraiJack

So here it is...three years ago today, the judge banged a gavel and ended my marriage.

It was not my choice.

Oddly enough the sun came up the next day just like it always did.
Funny that.

Little by little my life began to improve. 
I got the things that I wanted and worked on myself to be a better person. 
I attracted better people and personalized less.
I became a better man.

Now I am settled. 
Life has given me all I need and I find i need less and less each day...In a good way.

I am 49 in 5 days.
I weigh in well, am reasonably fit, in a relationship with a wonderful gal.
My kids respect and love me and her as well.
I am 80% of my goal to have 6 figures in the bank and have recently completed an apartment renovation to be proud of.
This will pay 95% of my mortgage.

For those of you who need a little encouragement...this CAN be done.
You can succeed and come out even better than before.

While it may seem like it in the beginning, a divorce is NOT the end of your world...just that particular chapter.

Success to you all, my friends!


----------



## richie33

Congrats. Good to hear a non horror story of divorce.


----------



## SamuraiJack

richie33 said:


> Congrats. Good to hear a non horror story of divorce.


Oh it was a horror story... it's just that I was so used to the horror that it all seemed normal to me.


----------



## Observer

Great for you! Well done Sir, glad you are doing well. My D was a year next month, I too am doing better than ever for those struggeling. Stay strong, it's a beginning, not the end.


----------



## Pluto2

So good SamuraiJack!
People need to remember that there is a light at the end of the D tunnel. Life goes on, sometimes more bumpy that others, but it does progress. Happy happy happy for you.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

26 years ago I married this month. 11 years ago October I left. So much water under the bridge and life is better than ever before. I learned a lot from my marriage and even more from my divorce. Life is good.  Glad so much is working out well for you!


----------



## SamuraiJack

Thank you All.
My main purpose in this was to give some encouragement to folks who need it.
To those people I say:
"You CAN get through this. You WILL get through this...and after you have done it...You will come to the realization that you are MUCH more Awesome than you thought before."
"That part of you is gone, but it has been replaced with a much more efficient, flexible and wise model than before."
"You. Can. Do. This."


----------



## Holland

Well done and all the best moving forward. There really is life after divorce.

I am happier than ever before, so yes it can be done.


----------



## toolforgrowth

Absolutely not. I refuse to settle. I was with a woman for a little over a year during and after my D with my xWW. She was beautiful, the sex was great, but that's literally all she could offer. I was single for over 1.5 years after she and I broke up, and it totally reset my lady picker. Good thing, because I met a great lady and things are going very well.

Never settle; that's Nice Guy behavior. Stop that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dajam

Now that is awesome... I cannot express how that is a great thing for everyone to understand. There is life after D... and plenty of it. 

If the rule of thumb is, one month for every year married, I have six months to finish my rework, debt free, back in shape both mentally and physically. The world is out there and I know I will be good.

Congrats to all who have moved forward and are growing in a positive fashion. It does get better if you make it so.


----------



## Fenix

Samuraijack, I consistently like your posts. They are positive and show strength. 

I am still in process. We are about to file...I am just waiting on the final sign off on the agreement. It has been 18 months since my d day. 

Life is good. So good right now. It is kind of scary really. I have found myself again. I have rediscovered just how fun and smart and pretty and switched on I am. After being married for 26 years to a man who whittled me down. I am calmer, more centered and focused on what is important.


----------



## SamuraiJack

Fenix said:


> Samuraijack, I consistently like your posts. They are positive and show strength.
> 
> I am still in process. We are about to file...I am just waiting on the final sign off on the agreement. It has been 18 months since my d day.
> 
> Life is good. So good right now. It is kind of scary really. I have found myself again. I have rediscovered just how fun and smart and pretty and switched on I am. After being married for 26 years to a man who whittled me down. I am calmer, more centered and focused on what is important.


Thanks Fenix, It truly is remarkable when your old self returns. To glimpse your core again after so long is a welcome sight.

The interesting thing is that I can barely remember who I was BEFORE the D.

The thing I remember most is that I was in a very dark space and it seemed that my entire world had united against me. Even my pets were acting weird.

From such a dark place I very slowly emerged over the course of months. I was scared, panicky and oddly calm all at once.
Pained at having been abandoned, but relieved that the immediate stress was over.

I would find out later she most likely had a MLC which led to an affair. Once that knowledge set in it explained everything.
Then I could box it up and set it away. 
Havent spoken to ex about anything other than kids for many, many months now.

My old self resurfaced. The rascally grin that had been gone for so long was back. 
I started to laugh at myself when I slid back.
I thought long and hard about "maturity" versus simply being who I was.
I began to play again. 

Some things you dont get over so easily. Dont get me wrong, this was work to get over and I still have a little piece of me that will always wonder if we could have saved it.
Thats pretty normal for most people.

Oddly enough, it was coimg here and reading all the other stories that helped me out. It was very affirming for me that others had been through it.
It was sort of like getting washed ashore and finding out the island isnt deserted at all. 
There's a whole colony of survivors. 

I had been guiding myself so I was fairly okay by the time I got here but I see the other people in various states of exposure recovering slowly. Showing each other the tricks they have learned and helping each other. 
Some with fervor. 
Some with quiet words.
Others just sit next to you. 

Still others are waiting on the beach for the next batch of lost souls to come in. 
Thats sort of where I am right now.
I'll take watches on the high cliffs and patiently scan for newcomers, yell down when they come, suggest the best places to start.
I didnt know about TAM when it all went down for me.
Now that TAM has helped me smooth the edges, its time to give a little back.

Because, lets face it, you cant really understand about getting shipwrecked until it happens to you.

I think you should all be very proud of yourselves.


----------



## FeministInPink

Fenix said:


> Samuraijack, I consistently like your posts. They are positive and show strength.


I agree!

As of two days ago, I have been divorced for one year. I was doing great on that day, and I didn't think it could get better than that... but every day, it does get better and brighter. I am continually getting closer to my true self, which I feel like I began to lose gradually when I got involved with my XH 12+ yrs ago.

Even so, I'm grateful for my XH because while much of my experiences were negative, I have learned and grown so much over the last two years. That would have never happened otherwise. And I'm still growing and learning because of it. And I'm really excited to know what the next year will bring, and to see where I am on December 9, 2015.


----------



## SamuraiJack

FeministInPink said:


> I agree!
> 
> As of two days ago, I have been divorced for one year. I was doing great on that day, and I didn't think it could get better than that... but every day, it does get better and brighter. I am continually getting closer to my true self, which I feel like I began to lose gradually when I got involved with my XH 12+ yrs ago.
> 
> Even so, I'm grateful for my XH because while much of my experiences were negative, I have learned and grown so much over the last two years. That would have never happened otherwise. And I'm still growing and learning because of it. And I'm really excited to know what the next year will bring, and to see where I am on December 9, 2015.


I definitely agree with how much we seemingly owe our exes.
My ex put me through the wringer in more ways than one.
She can never know the amount of growth and tempering I have developed...otherwise she would try to spin it as "she did something good".

We are all maleable.
Apply heat and the hammer and we can be reduced to shapeless lumps of metal.
But after the hammer is done, we emerge as a finely crafted item with more purpose and form than before.

Its the hammering process that removes a lot of impurities and gives us the strength to be pliable and the temper to hold the edge.

No one ever said the hammering is pleasant, but the end result really CAN be worth the experience.

Lets compare notes next year!


----------



## Chuck71

SJ.......I've read your posts.... your comments are fvcking gold. 

Forget the cap n gown, he!! you're a professor


----------



## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> SJ.......I've read your posts.... your comments are fvcking gold.
> 
> Forget the cap n gown, he!! you're a professor


Thank you! 

I figure its not worth going through the hell I went through unless someone else can benefit from it.


----------



## Chuck71

SamuraiJack said:


> Thank you!
> 
> I figure its not worth going through the hell I went through unless someone else can benefit from it.


I said the exact thing in my last post in GtDoS and the first in LaD


----------



## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> SJ.......I've read your posts.... your comments are fvcking gold.
> 
> Forget the cap n gown, he!! you're a professor


Wow. Thanks Chuck71.
I feel like I just got the nod from the Emperor.


----------



## Chuck71

SamuraiJack said:


> Wow. Thanks Chuck71.
> I feel like I just got the nod from the Emperor.


:rofl: when it's someone else...I can usually hit the nail on the head.

when it's my own.... I am sometimes clueless

Zillard, GutPunch, ReGroup all helped me through my nightmare

They told me things, I would eventually know but.... a good ways down

the road. To me.... my D was 11/30, the day we filed. I hit the 

rabbit hole and the day after I came out, she came home every day after work.

I still would have entertained a talk...even a month after filing.

Then I stepped into the Tao. As a final way to see her hand,

I placed her in a choice....one way...leave the door cracked, the other

lock the door, throw away the key. The door was locked....

Her attempts after that....to me were futile.


----------



## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> :rofl: when it's someone else...I can usually hit the nail on the head.
> 
> when it's my own.... I am sometimes clueless
> 
> Zillard, GutPunch, ReGroup all helped me through my nightmare
> 
> They told me things, I would eventually know but.... a good ways down
> 
> the road. To me.... my D was 11/30, the day we filed. I hit the
> 
> rabbit hole and the day after I came out, she came home every day after work.
> 
> I still would have entertained a talk...even a month after filing.
> 
> Then I stepped into the Tao. As a final way to see her hand,
> 
> I placed her in a choice....one way...leave the door cracked, the other
> 
> lock the door, throw away the key. The door was locked....
> 
> Her attempts after that....to me were futile.


I have the same problem, masters in Counseling Psychology and I couldnt see the forest for the trees when it came to what was going on. 

I didnt figure out the affair until a few months ago. Spent two years wondering what the hell happened...


----------



## Chuck71

getting doctorate in psychology here. I don't wish any ill will on my XW,

I hope she finds herself someday and maybe whatever she is looking for.

Wish I could say the same for UG....still hurts. I heard from a reliable source

she is miserable. I wasn't the greatest communicator but in the end,

the things she mentioned as things that bothered her...she never brought up

in the past as an issue. Sound familiar SJ?


----------



## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> getting doctorate in psychology here. I don't wish any ill will on my XW,
> 
> I hope she finds herself someday and maybe whatever she is looking for.
> 
> Wish I could say the same for UG....still hurts. I heard from a reliable source
> 
> she is miserable. I wasn't the greatest communicator but in the end,
> 
> the things she mentioned as things that bothered her...she never brought up
> 
> in the past as an issue. Sound familiar SJ?


Yep! With her it was mostly stuff I thought we had put behind us.

That and some very classic projection..


----------



## AFPhoenix

Congrats SJ! 

I hope to be where you are soon. Have a Merry Christmas!


----------



## SamuraiJack

AFPhoenix said:


> Congrats SJ!
> 
> I hope to be where you are soon. Have a Merry Christmas!


Sorry I didnt get back to this, but the holidays were very "compact" 

Yes, no matter where you are in the process, you WILL get there. Sometimes it takes time...more time than you want to invest.
But one day you will wake up and realize that you have weathered the storm just like the rock on the beach.
You will also realize that some people will call it wear and tear...while you can call it polish.


----------



## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> Sorry I didnt get back to this, but the holidays were very "compact"
> 
> Yes, no matter where you are in the process, you WILL get there. Sometimes it takes time...more time than you want to invest.
> But one day you will wake up and realize that you have weathered the storm just like the rock on the beach.
> *You will also realize that some people will call it wear and tear...while you can call it polish.*


Definitely... if you've learned and grown from the experience, it's definitely polish.


----------



## Fenix

SamuraiJack said:


> I have the same problem, masters in Counseling Psychology and I couldnt see the forest for the trees when it came to what was going on.
> 
> I didnt figure out the affair until a few months ago. Spent two years wondering what the hell happened...


How did you feel when you figured it out?

Was it a relief? Or did it dredge up the hurt? I am curious because my current guy *may* have that realization in the future.


----------



## SamuraiJack

Fenix said:


> How did you feel when you figured it out?
> 
> Was it a relief? Or did it dredge up the hurt? I am curious because my current guy *may* have that realization in the future.


Oddly enough it was a relief!  
There were so many weird reactions and things that didn't make sense to me. Odd reactions, changes in speech and thoughts, and other bizarre stuff that I couldn't find a cause to. 

Oddly enough I was renovating the apartment where the ex and I started. I was painting the door sill and laying in the exact same spot I proposed to her on.
I remember thinking a stray thought about flowers and how one of my kids mentioned flowers around her house and the ex saying she bought them for herself.

In the 18 plus years I had known her she had never bought herself flowers. Then I started running the cheater list in my head and she pretty much hit every one...right down to the master of all cheater lines ..."I love you, I'm just not IN love with you."

Since I was already fairly detached, it was sort of fascinating to see it all come together. I watched as the rest of the pieces fell together and...started laughing.
It was so odd and quasi-fatalistic that it was all I could do but to give in to the laughter.:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

All those nasty things she said...
All those times when I thought she was putting things on me I didn't deserve...
All the anger she directed my way...

...were all really meant for herself.

But the funny way that the revelation came down was like watching a 1000 piece puzzle put itself together in front of my very eyes.

She still doesn't know that I know...quite frankly I could not give a shnit less at this point.

If he is wondering about it and questioning how much he contributed to the problem, possibly beating himself up about it, then this will provide clarity for him. Yes it hurts a wee bit, but if he is over her mostly, this will provide much needed finality.
I quite enjoyed finding out. 

Hopefully, he will too.


----------



## FeministInPink

SamuraiJack said:


> Then I started running the cheater list in my head and she pretty much hit every one...right down to the master of all cheater lines ..."*I love you, I'm just not IN love with you.*"


You know, I've seen a lot of people post this, about the bolded above being the cheater's line. I actually said a variation on this to my XH 5 mos before we separated ("I love you, I don't know if I'm IN love with you anymore") because that was literally how I was feeling in the moment, and had been feeling for a very long time.

(ETA: At the time, I didn't know that was cheater code. If I had, I would have expressed myself in a completely different manner. /ETA)

I wonder if he thinks/thought that I cheated? It doesn't really matter one way or another, because I know I didn't and our marriage would have ended regardless, because he was an awful person. But part of me is curious...

/end thread jack

(And it doesn't matter because I'm happy  )


----------



## TheGoodGuy

FeministInPink said:


> You know, I've seen a lot of people post this, about the bolded above being the cheater's line. I actually said a variation on this to my XH 5 mos before we separated ("I love you, I don't know if I'm IN love with you anymore") because that was literally how I was feeling in the moment, and had been feeling for a very long time.
> 
> (ETA: At the time, I didn't know that was cheater code. If I had, I would have expressed myself in a completely different manner. /ETA)
> 
> I wonder if he thinks/thought that I cheated? It doesn't really matter one way or another, because I know I didn't and our marriage would have ended regardless, because he was an awful person. But part of me is curious...
> 
> /end thread jack
> 
> (And it doesn't matter because I'm happy  )


Nah, I don't think it's "just" cheater's script. The cheater's use it as they grasp for some sort of "normal" reason to break up to cover up their cheating. So yeah, non-cheaters use it too.


----------



## SamuraiJack

TheGoodGuy said:


> Nah, I don't think it's "just" cheater's script. The cheater's use it as they grasp for some sort of "normal" reason to break up to cover up their cheating. So yeah, non-cheaters use it too.


Sure. I think that it can be a very handy line, especially when they cant make up their mind or need time.

In my case, it just happened to be true..


----------

