# When will I ever learn.



## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

We got back 3 weeks ago and he's gone and dumped me again. Says he wants to be on his own but last time he did this, he went back to his bit on the side so I'm kind of expecting that to happen too. 

I still love the idiot and still want us to be together but I can't keep doing this. My heart is broken all over again. I stupidly believed him when he said we'll make this. I love U, my life is empty without U in it, I've checked my emails every day to see if U messaged me. All of it was bull. 

I can't eat and can't sleep. I want to curl up into a ball and just die. 



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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think it's very important to look at a person's actions. Many times people say what they think you want to hear, that way they avoid conflict and get their way. He doesn't love you, he just wants you when it's convenient for him.

Never think someone else is feeling or thinking the same as you. You are projecting your love expecting it to be reciprocated, but it isn't happening with this guy. Continuing a relationship with him is only going to hurt you, and it blinds you to the chance of meeting a guy that will truly love you.

So to answer your question...you learn as you go, sometimes lessons hurt, but you learn.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Has he said why he wants to be on his own?

How long does he leave you before coming back?

If this is a reoccurring action, i'd have to say that he's using you, wanting the best of everything. If he truly loved you, wanted to be with you, he wouldn't keep doing this.

Love is blind, I've learnt that the hard way, and someone that keeps hurting you, doesn't love you.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
ith your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much, so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for
someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.
You really are strong.
You really do have worth.

And you learn.
And you learn.

With every goodbye, you learn…

(...Unless you just refuse to.)

Read *my response here* to understand what you're going through and some ways to help you deal with this painful time.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

StarFires said:


> After a while, you learn the subtle difference between
> holding a hand and chaining a soul,
> 
> And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
> ...




Love this. 


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Love this.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yep I love it too. It's a poem by Veronica Shoffstall (sp). I didn't want to cite it because I added that last line.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Don't be, don't go crazy....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hv1nK3iYVos


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Now ultimately this is just his opinion,but it has always resonated with me when I've seen myself and others in situations similar to your own.

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

I just constantly keep wanting him back. 40 years I have known him, I'm 47 so is he. 

He abandoned me and eventually shacked up with his ho-worker, his 2nd ho-worker. I was left homeless, my daughter's had to leave home, 17 and 18 year olds, gave up my pets, threw things away that I had from my kids growing up. Was utterly devastated by his actions. My brother, we were very close, died just 5 months ago. Just so much loss in such a short space of time. Had a house full of people (6) and boom, on my own for the 1st time in my life. Cried and cried and cried, still do but the gaps are getting longer. He hurt me so badly and I still want him to really want me. 

He left her again for 3rd time, 4rth for me and came back to me in space of 12 months. 3 weeks we were seeing each-other just past. He was still talking to her and yesterday I asked to see the texts and that's when he finished it, again. Hmmmmm, I wonder why that was?! 

I've got to be barking mad to want him back. I contacted him asking, begging for him to talk to me and he eventually gave in. I'm crazy for thinking he will come good, he never has and never will. But I keep pining for him. I feel like I'll never get over him. He knows it too. I didn't want a divorce, I still don't, even after it all. I'm an absolute mug.

The good thing now is that I have a lovely home to stay in (flat share). My room is lovely and I feel very welcomed. I've got my job that I love, long hours, split shifts. I could deffo drink and smoke less. (drank more when with him. I've joined a walking group and going to tackle a munro, I can't wait. 

I know it's fresh but I know it will get better again. I've not managed a thing to eat. Had water and coffee. Will eat better tomorrow.

CK.

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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Cooper said:


> I think it's very important to look at a person's actions. Many times people say what they think you want to hear, that way they avoid conflict and get their way. He doesn't love you, he just wants you when it's convenient for him.
> 
> Never think someone else is feeling or thinking the same as you. You are projecting your love expecting it to be reciprocated, but it isn't happening with this guy. Continuing a relationship with him is only going to hurt you, and it blinds you to the chance of meeting a guy that will truly love you.
> 
> So to answer your question...you learn as you go, sometimes lessons hurt, but you learn.


right on the button. It'll take a bit of time to move forwards, but that will get worse the longer you wait.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

StarFires said:


> After a while, you learn the subtle difference between
> holding a hand and chaining a soul,
> 
> And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
> ...


works for some but not for others.

I know a few people that have "strong self-worth", that their kisses don't mean anything more than they felt like it at the time, and will give presents just to create an image of generosity and nothing else, that expect defeats because they never engaged and just consider life and relationships "a game of numbers" cycling through broken hearts until they find what they wanted. who will hold your hand - but give nothing of themselves. For they only want for themselves, and like Narcissus of legend, are only really in love with themselves.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

spotthedeaddog said:


> works for some but not for others.
> 
> I know a few people that have "strong self-worth", that their kisses don't mean anything more than they felt like it at the time, and will give presents just to create an image of generosity and nothing else, that expect defeats because they never engaged and just consider life and relationships "a game of numbers" cycling through broken hearts until they find what they wanted. who will hold your hand - but give nothing of themselves. For they only want for themselves, and like Narcissus of legend, are only really in love with themselves.


You are so jaded that you cannot understand anything you read. You just twist and mangle everything up into your own diatribe of despair.

This poem has nothing to do with anything you stated.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you have to learn what love is. It's not what you are feeling for him. Love is not a desperate feeling of needing to be with someone. Please seek out some IC to help you get a handle on this.


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

Yes, I desperately wanted him to come good. I've always hoped for it in him. 

He didn't want me to say a word about what happened and wanted a clean fresh start, which I was up for. But she always pushed to be friends. He couldn't get that he and she were still clinging on to eachother. I told him he couldn't have 2 families but didn't get that I needed him to cut so much contact with her. He said it was banter and nothing in it but he couldn't show me the texts. I was supposed to sit like a good girl and let him do what he had to do. Checking his phone at the bar, whilst I was at the table. When he has her, he wants me, when he had me, he wants her, lol. Hell, he still works alongside his 1st AP for nearly 20 years and I had to suck it up. I don't know why on earth I think I could get over the fact that it was AP #2?! 

I think it's about time I enjoyed my singleness. I'll pick myself up, dust myself down and make a better life for myself. 

Thank U all so much for the replies, they really do help me, a lot. 

CK...

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only one keeping you in this is you. What are you getting out of it?

Don't expect him to "get it". You are the one who isn't getting it. This is who he is and that's not going to change.

This is what you get with rugsweeping. Repeated behavior


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> The only one keeping you in this is you. What are you getting out of it?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I realise this. I genuinly always hope he would, instead of realising in the 21 years as a couple, he never has got it. 

There was red flags at the start of our relationship and really, I ignored them. As soon as he got his current job 20 years ago and 1.5 years later, ho-worker #1 came along. I was truly blind-sided. I will never know how long it went on.

I want to send his ho worker #2 the emails that were sent between us before and right after he left her. Just so she knows the true extent of his lies. 

CK

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Like most you are in the mode of trying to fix or change him. Which will get get you nothing. On
Y he could do that.

You really need to fix yourself. Stop wasting your life, it's short and you can't get it back.


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

Oh well, I said my peace to the tramp and him. She's blocked me, lol.

Time for me to move on. I'm sick of wasting my life on that dush bag. I'll be glad when I feel nothing for him.

Time for me to make things better for myself. I just wish this sadness would lift from me. 



CK

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