# I'm losing my only love



## blind

Well here goes (this will be long, but I don't know how to make it any shorter)...

I am 33 and have been married to my wife for 10 years. We first met and began dating in highschool. In fact our first date was Jan. 18, 1991 (17 years ago this Friday). With the exception of a short break up (my first poor choice) in 1992, we have been together ever since. After highschool I decided to attend the same college she was attending. We married shortly after college graduation. She began teaching elementary children and I went to law school. After law school we moved back near our home town. I was able to get a very good job and she was teaching in a school she very much liked. In 2002 we had our first child. An amazing baby boy (now 5 yrs old). In 2005 we built a new home and moved back to our home town to be closer to church and family. Our second child, the most beautiful baby girl in the world, was born in 2006 (now 1 yr old).

Next is the part that I have trouble putting together. I have always adored her. I can't recall a time that I did not kiss her good bye in the morning and hugged her as soon as I got home. I tell her I love her many times a day. She is and has been the only love of my life.

I have an addictive personality. Not with drugs or alcohol (I have never tried any drugs and do not drink). I did drink socially and party some in college, but realized a few years ago I did not enjoy those things anymore. But, I get stuck on hobbies and want to do them all the time. First it was fly fishing. Followed by golf, ATVs, guns, etc. These come and go but I am always looking for something new. Along the way I never made marriage and communication one of my addictions.

I can look back and recall a few times when my wife has told me that she and our family were taking a back seat to my hobbies and work. Usually I would cut back on the hobby, but when I felt things were going better, a new one would come along. I mistakenly never felt her concerns were justified because I have always loved her and the children. She does know that I have a deep love for my family.

While our life was speeding forward, my wife has battled depression. She would have some hard times, I was willing to talk to her and try to help, and then things would seem better. A few times she told me that she didn't feel like she was a priority to me, but would resolve that I was a good husband and father. I would mistakenly believe that I was being a good husband and father and continue on with life how I knew it.

In December, she and I left the kids with family and took an overnight getaway with another couple (our best friends). The night went well and we played games and had a good time until about 1am. As night was winding down, my best friend (male) and my wife went to the hotel lobby to get a few bottles of water. I went to bed thinking she would be back in a few minutes and we could have the rest of the night to make love and just be together. Hours passed and she never came to our room. I went in the hall to find her, worried that something may have happened. She and my friend were just in the stairwell talking. (I know how this may sound, but I am truly convinced there is nothing going on between them). She finally came to bed about 5am. The next day she was understandably tired and was not in much of a mood to have a good day. This really bothered me for a few reasons. First, she sacraficed our next day together to stay up all night talking to my best friend and the martial troubles he and his wife are having. Second, it became clear that she could not talk to me.

I was able to tell my wife how this all made me feel. For the first time I truly understood how she has felt for the past 15 years (that she was not a priority to me). For the first time I realized that my past behavior has been so hurtful to her that she may no longer want our marriage to work. For the first time I have become addicted to making her happy.

In my job I fix problems. What I have found is that it is easiest to fix a problem if the parties want it to be fixed. I have come to terms with how I have behaved. I have realized what is most important to me, my marriage and family. I don't know if she wants our problems to be fixed. 

Over the past several weeks, I have done everything in my power to put my wife and family first. I am trying very had to look at what I am doing objectively. I believe I have made very good progress in changing.

My wife still tells me she loves me. She has never been overly affectionate, but I have always believed she loved me. I don't expect her just to accept that I have changed for good, because of how I have acted the past many years. But, what concerns me the most is that my wife tells me she doesn't know whether or not she wants our marriage to work. Other than to tell me this, she doesn't seem willing to talk. I want so badly to speak with her, but I don't know what to say. I feel our relationship is so very fragile. The best I can describe it is having something in your hands that is so fragile it could collapse under its own weight. I feel like any little thing could cause it to crush itself and that even without a movement it may fail on its own.

Last Saturday I cried and prayed almost all day. Sunday I took a walk trying to get some perspective on what may happen in my life. I know it hurts my wife to see me this way. My heart hurts all the time. I am feeling sorry for myself.

She went to a therapist yesterday. I want to go also and will be making and appointment soon. I have an overwhelming feeling of doom. I don't believe in suicide and don't have any fear of every feeling otherwise. But, if the good Lord were to call me home, I don't think I would argue with him.

I don't know how to be any more honest. I want more than anything for this to work out. I want her to want this to work out but I now know she has dealt with this so long that she has lost herself. Being the opposite of me she has put me and the children first for so long she no longer knows what she likes to do or what she wants.

Obviously I am looking for advice. Also, I need a place to talk. When she is ready, I will talk to my wife. Each night I come home excited that she might be ready to sit down and get this all out on the table. Each night I get more discouraged when she doesn't feel the same. I speak to my best friend, but he is having marital problems too and my wife has already confided in him. I don't think it fair to put him in the middle.

I don't know if anyone will read this far, but just typing this seems to have helped. If that is all I get from this forum, its more than I had when I signed up.

Thanks for reading and I welcome comments.


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## emate1209

Hi Blind,

I hear you and feel for you mate.

My first thoughts, after reading your post, was "hang in there!"

Given that you genuinely want your marriage to work, and that you have openly expressed this to your wife, then I think you just need to wait patiently for the right moment to talk to your her about the situation and more importantly what you and your wife want.

Give her some time. Don't rush her but I suggest you continue to let her know that you want to talk about the situation.

I think after 10 years of marriage she will be keen to work things out especially for the kids. But the challenge will be to find out what is causing her grief and what she expects of you. 

I wish you the best and please let us know how you are doing.

Cheers


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## blind

Thank you for the encouragement. More than ever I understand that patience is a virtue. Patience is something I lack but will need to learn. When I get addicted to something, I can't seem to let it go. Right now I am addicted to fixing my marriage. It is all I want to work on or think about. It makes it hard to be patient and wait for the right moment. I don't know if it is fortunate or unfortunate, but I MUST be patient with my wife and our situation.


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## kajira

Please do not give up! You can not undo what has been done over night. I trully feel as a wife who has felt much the same as yours, that she may be afraid this is a temporary change. Just keep up the good work and perhaps over time she see your true to your word and true to her.


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## blind

kajira - I expect you are right about her feeling this may just be a temporary change. I hope and pray it is permanent and that our marriage is also.

I have a therapy session scheduled for in the morning. I just hope I can keep it together until then. I've never had therapy, but I welcome it. The days take forever right now. I just want to be with my wife. But, as soon as I see her, my heart breaks all over again. She can be right next to me but yet seem so out of reach. I can't imagine how she must have felt all those years.


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## draconis

every bad thing you do takes 1000 good things to fix.

Hang in there, but I think you need a different way to communicate with her.

If you are still sexually active try pillow talk it is one time when the two of you think only of each other.

When the kids are off to bed try the comment what are you thinking right now? This often catches people off guard in such a way that anything buried comes blurting out.

Don't be above thanking her for everything she does. Let her know how much it all means to you.

I have so much more to add but so short on time.

I will be on later tonight with more.

I pray the best for you.

draconis


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## blind

I agree I need a different way to communicate with her. I will be giving this much thought. I don't really know if we are sexually active or not. We had sex last week, but she was very distant. I think she wanted to get into it, but she just wasn't able to. On this note, while speaking to my mother today, she asked me how our sex life was. Isn't that awkward! I think our sex life has been very good at times. But, the last few times haven't been the same.

I'll keep trying to hang in there. I do appreciate the comments. I really need perspective from those that don't just tell me what I want to hear. I also think it is nice to hear from each of you because you don't know me. This way friendship doesn't color the responses I get.

Thanks.


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## blind

Here is a little update on our situation. I spoke to my wife on the phone for about 15 minutes. I know talking on the phone might not be the best way to communicate, but atleast she felt comfortable. Although this is a short period of time, it is longer than we usually get to talk all at once.

Here is what she told me. For 17 years she has put herself aside and tried to make sure I got to do the things I wanted. When she did get to do the things she desired, she felt is was a burden on me to watch the children, or change my plans before we had children. She sees I am trying to change, but is apprehensive that a person can change after 17 years. I can understand her apprehension. Finally, because she was always trying to make sure I was happy, she wasn't able to be herself around me. When she is around her friends from work and even my friend that she was able to talk to, she is able to be herself.

Obviously this is all hard to hear. But, I needed to hear it from her. I think it will just motivate me to try even harder. Also, I have been able to see how she acts with her friends and I like who she really is.

I didn't say all that much during our conversation. I just wanted to be a good listener. I thanked her for not just packing up and leaving. She said she could have done that but it wasn't fair. I didn't ask, but I feel she meant it would not be fair to our children. 

I pray I get the opportunity to get to know my wife again. If she wants it, she derserves a chance for this to work. My children definitely deserve a chance for this to work. I don't deserve another chance, but I hope I get one.


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## draconis

blind said:


> I agree I need a different way to communicate with her. I will be giving this much thought. I don't really know if we are sexually active or not. We had sex last week, but she was very distant. I think she wanted to get into it, but she just wasn't able to. On this note, while speaking to my mother today, she asked me how our sex life was. Isn't that awkward! I think our sex life has been very good at times. But, the last few times haven't been the same.
> 
> I'll keep trying to hang in there. I do appreciate the comments. I really need perspective from those that don't just tell me what I want to hear. I also think it is nice to hear from each of you because you don't know me. This way friendship doesn't color the responses I get.
> 
> Thanks.


The next time you are going to have sex instead make it a senual not sexual experience. Back rubs, lots of touching and teasing, etc leading up to the physical connection making a sexual tension/resolution.

draconis


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## draconis

Well the first thing I'd do is tell your wife you fell in love with the person she really is and was. That you miss that person and are thankful for all she has done for you, and now you want to spend the rest of your life making it up to her helping her as she has helped you.

draconis


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## blind

We had a pretty good evening last night. We took the kids to dinner. Afterwards I took our son to Wal-Mart to pick up some dog food. It was nice to have a little time with him. At 5 yrs old I know he suspects something is amiss, but I'm sure he doesn't understand. My wife has started working out in the mornings before work. I think this is a great way for her to have a little time for herself. She has been wanting an Ipod, so I picked up one for her. Not trying to buy her love, but I knew she wanted one. Then I took care of the kids the rest of the evening and took care of putting them to bed. This gave her some more time to play with the Ipod, download some songs, and get it ready for her next workout. Giving her this time made me feel good too.

This morning I told her almost exactly what draconis suggested, that I know who she really is and that I really liked and missed that person. She gave me a hug and I believe she did it because she wanted to. 

My wife's birthday is next month. Tell me what you think of this idea. I am going to put together a package with 12 "My days". I want her to use 1 each month for the next year. For instance, she likes to work in the flower beds at our home. I plan to get a gift certificate to a nursery so she can pick out what ever plants/flowers she wants. I'll take care of the kids and give her time to go to the nursery and work in the flower beds for the day. Another one will be a session at a day spa. Again, I'll take care of the kids and everything else so that she can enjoy a nice massage, etc. I have ideas for the others days as well. I would like for her to use one each month, when ever she likes. Fortunately I am in a financial situation where I can go ahead and take care of the expenses of each of the days. This way, she doesn't have to worry about a thing. I want to do one for each month for the next year to show her I am committed to giving her the time she needs for herself. Certainly she will need more than one day each month. I will make it clear I am not trying to limit her to one "My day" per month. I just thought if I give her one for each month it shows I am committed to making permanent changes. Does this sound like a good idea?

Thanks for the comments and I welcome any more thoughts you have.


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## draconis

I think the birthday idea is awesome be careful how you word it to her though. I might be inclined to say, "Now, I want to give you the time you have given me. Each of these special days are on top of your days and time."

I am glad that every thing is starting to work out for you.

Best of luck.

draconis


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## blind

Here is an update on my situation.

Friday night was pretty good. My wife and I live about 25 miles from the town I work in. She met me in town Friday evening and we did some shopping for our daughter, had a quick dinner and then I took our daughter home. She and my son went to a book store for a bit and then came home about an 1 1/2 hours later. She comes in, doesn't even say high and basically ignores me. I didn't want to fight or break down and cry anymore, so I quietly went into my office and played guitar for a while. After an hour or so, she asks if I am coming to bed. I didn't know if she wanted me to, or if she could hear me playing and it was keeping her up. So I asked. She wanted me to come to bed. We had some of the best sex we have had in a long time. So, I'm thinking, hey this is looking up.

Saturday was alright. I spent a lot of time with the kids, and she downloaded a bunch of songs for the Ipod. I did some grocery shopping while the kids were napping. Some friends came over for a while Saturday night. A fairly uneventful day.

Sunday morning seemed fine. We went to church in the morning. My brother bought our family tickets to a concert and we went with my parents and siblings. It was alright. Later, I told her I would still like to talk more about how we are each feeling, etc. Reluctantly she agreed to talk.

After the evening church services we talked some more. In the end, she says if she had to make up her mind right now, she would probably choose a divorce. She is uncertain what she wants. I asked if she thought it best for our children for us to be happy together. She said she didn't know and couldn't answer that question right now. These are the things that hurt the most. She truly doesn't know if she wants us to work out, even if we could both be happy. This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

This morning I decided I am not going to let this get me down any more. I still want my marriage to work and I still love my wife. But, I have been in a downward spiral for the past month which is not healthy for me or our marriage. I have come to the realization that if my wife wants our marriage to work, then it will. If she doesn't want it to work, then it won't. If she can't make up her mind, well then it probably won't work either. I don't mind giving this some time, but I can't wait on her forever.

Strangely, coming to this realization was liberating. I can't change the past. Whether or not our marriage works out is not really up to me. I know that if she wants it to work out then it will. But, I can't make up her mind for her. For some strange reason, this gave me some comfort. I am having a great day. I told her about the realization I have come to. I also told her that I hope she doesn't ultimately come to the conclusion that she wants our marriage to work after it is too late. I don't think she understood why I am in such a good mood, and frankly, I don't understand it either. Actually, I think it bothered her that I was in a good mood. I spoke to her on the phone after I left for work about something she wanted me to put in the mail for her. For the first time in a long time, she said I love you before I did. This confuses me even more, but I remained in a good mood.

I don't have a clue what any of this means. Any thoughts? Is this good, bad, ugly????? Thanks.


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## draconis

Yes your wife with all the turmoil feels good because she is in control. Now you are taking control of your life and happiness. Off guard she is re-evaluating everything. 

Look at most of the how to get a girl/guy books. What attracts the opposite the most. Not the whinny I'll hang on your every word, hope, whim but rather the "if you don't great, if you do that is okay too." Attitude. Why? Strength in character. When you are weak how are you to help someone feeling weak?

Even if it doesn't help her to get back to you. You will not be wasted by a divorce like others might be. You will carry on, and recover much quicker.

I am happy you have found some inner strength.

draconis


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## demora

I think the realization is a good thing and a healthy thing. It's important for each person to understand that it takes both to make a marriage work.

I read all of your posts from the beginning. Sometimes, we do have epiphanies to late to make a huge difference in how things work out for us, but the important thing is that we learned. All you can do is love your wife and hope that she will return the love freely. Being understanding and sensative to her needs is wonderful, but not at the expense of you. There has to be a balance and granted it sounds like that balance was out of whack for a long time. We all enjoy time to ourselves, but also cherish the family time. She maybe seeing the change in you and feeling guilty about it because she feels that it's her fault you are no longer enjoying things you used to do.

No form of communication is bad - whether it's email, phone, writing a letter. Whatever it takes to communicate how you feel is a good thing. I have written letters to my husband because I didn't feel like I could physically say what I needed to say. It is so hard sometimes to just get the right words to come out of my mouth, but they seem to flow out of fingers very well.

Good luck to you.


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## blind

Thanks again for all the input. I guess at this point I am just taking things day by day. I am certainly not ready to throw in the towel. However, this waiting game certainly is painful. I don't know what else to do but continue to try and be loving and supportive towards my wife. I still love her dearly. I know in the end I'll be a better person. I just hope I am a better person that has a loving and working marriage with my wife.

We are going skiing next week in Colorado. We have agreed to have marriage counseling (together) when we return. Atleast that tells me that she is willing to try, even if she is uncertain of what she wants the result to be.


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## blind

Here is an update.

My wife went to see her therapist again yesterday. I don't know whose idea it was, but she is wanting to see her therapist atleast one more time before we have counseling together. I don't really know what to think of that. Part of me feels like she is just trying to get strong enough to leave. Another part of me thinks she needs to get stronger before trying to work on us. Certainly it could something else all together.

She did tell me last night that she just doesn't feel like she can be herself around me. She said she doesn't know why. I have tried to objectively look back and see if I have been so overbearing and controlling that she did not feel comfortable being herself around me. I really don't think that is the issue. I just feel like for years she has put herself aside to make me and the kids happy. She did this so long she failed to be herself and lost her identity at home. Until she finds out if she can be herself at home and regain her identity, I don't think she can make an honest evaluation of whether she wants the marriage to work. I believe she has come to the conclusion that if she can't regain her identity and be herself around me that we should get a divorce. 

I must make a very careful effort to give her time. I also must stop inquiring of what her wishes are with regard to us and whether she wants the marriage to work. But, I am seriously concerned about how long I can live this way. I sometimes have feelings of being helpless. What a roller coaster of emotions this has become. One day I am fine and the next I hurt badly.

If things don't work out I know it will be very hard for me. I understand it is hard for most couples that split up. I expect we would end up with some sort of joint custody arrangement, but that the children would spend a majority of the time with my wife. All of our mutual friends (my closest friends) are from church. Our children love the church we attend and the other children there. I would never want to take this church from my children and don't feel that my wife and I would still be able to both attend after having a divorce. I would expect she and the children would continue to attend that church. I just can't get over thinking that if our marriage fails, she will wind up with the children, our church and our closest friends. I have so much to lose and she has so little to lose.

I continue to pray daily that things will work out and that we can be truly happy together. I believe if this works out it will only be through the grace of God. I pray God will give her the strength to forgive me and let us start with a clean slate where she can be herself and be comfortable with me. I pray God gives me the strength to stand beside her through this with patience and love and give her the time and appreciation she deserves.


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## wishful thinking

Blind,

I have read all of your posts and I want to begin by thanking you for admitting that you have done things in the past and for putting your all into trying to make it up to your wife. Being a wife that is currently having all of the mixed emotions that you and your wife have felt, I can relate to the both of you. 

Your wife has put her emotions, needs, desires on the back for your happiness and your success. I can imagine that going to law school consumed a lot of your time for studying and things of that nature that in turn left her in charge of being the person that held the family together in more ways than a lot of women are willing to do for a long period of time. In that, she has become accustomed to fulfilling her own needs to a certain extent to keep her satisfied or at least comfortable enough to deal with it. I am almost sure that there were times that she needed certain things from you emotionally or spiritually that she felt she couldn't ask of you because she didn't want to cause any stress or distract you from your studies and/or work. That's not to say you ever gave her the impression that she couldn't talk to you, but as women, we sometimes imply things that aren't necessarily so. Therefore, we supress things and as time goes on it begans to build. Just like weightloss, your doctor will tell you that your body has to break down toxins and waste that have built up over time before you began to lose unwanted fat. And that applies to your relationship as well. She has years of emotions, needs, desires that have been unattended and will take time to break down and resolve just like it took time to build. 

I am glad that you have found strength within to consult with the Lord about your issues and that you aren't depressed because you have children that depend on both of you. But also think about this...I know that you don't want to wait a lifetime but she has lost herself in those years that she was deprived of having "full access" to her husband. Since she has lost herself in her journey with you, can you begin a new journey to help her find who she is? I think that she would appreciate hearing that you understand that she doesn't know who she is and you want to travel that road with her. You are not the man you were 3 years ago...we all change with time in one way or another and it's great when we can adapt together with our spouse but maybe she just needs to know that you are willing to allow her to find herself and ask her if she is willing to let you do this with her.

I think that both of you need to think about what a lifetime is. We don't know when our time on Earth expires and instead of spending the time that God grants us to be here dwelling on what could have been, concentrate on what it can be. 

I believe that you guys can repair your relationship but you guys have to believe that. 

I wish you the best and I hope you'll keep us posted.... 

Sorry this is so long but I really feel both you and your wife's pain...


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## blind

wishful thinking - Thanks for your comments. I think your assesment is pretty accurate. Your comment "I believe that you guys can repair your relationship but you guys have to believe that" is something I agree with and that is causing me the most grief. I do believe that our relationship can be repaired. What hurts right now is not knowing whether she believes it can be repaired. If I could just hear her say that she believes there is a chance or that repairing the relationship is her desire, I would be greatly comforted and motivated to work that much harder. I am working to change and have resolved to do so. But, as I believe we can all agree, it becomes difficult to give your all to repairing a relationship when the other party doesn't have the same desires. I know, this is where I need patience. Okay, I am getting circular now and will end this post.

Thanks again for the comments.


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## ruby

Hi Blind, 

I just joined this site. I could have written your post. I too am facing losing my only love. I'm an addictive person myself, not with drugs or anything like that, but with my hobbies. I can't do anything small, and while I love my husband, I've hurt him and my family so bad with my addiction to my hobby. He left. And now I'm in the same situation, addicted to making this work with him. Patience at a time like this is near impossible, I know! My husband says he loves me and wants to make it work, but he is in another country and cannot return for 3 months. Goodness, I know exactly how you feel!! I too am trying to give him the space and patience he gave me, but its a constant internal battle. I go through the same rollercoaster of emotions. From I'll wait and be fine either way, to I can't live like this, to someone please turn off the addiction, please! Then hope and finally despair again. Good luck to you! Right there in the same shoes.


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## bmtgrl

Blind-
I can feel your pain. I am in a similar situation with my husband. We have been married just over 7 years and he wants a divorce. The years have been a roller coaster, but I never thought he would give up on us. A few months ago he said he was thinking about it. I began to panic. And my worse fear is coming true. He saw a lawer on monday and he has made a list of who should get what in the house. He has not filed yet, but I know it's coming. I don't want this at all. But when someone doesn't or isn't willing to put in the effort to work on a marriage there is nothing the other person can do. I have been trying everything! I am physically ill over this situation. I cry everyday. I just wish he wanted to get "us" back and was willing to get help to get it.


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## sarahdale24

Blind- I have read all of your posts and the advice you have been given. I don't have any for you, as others have taken care of that for me. I too want to thank you for admitting your faults. That to me takes a real man to admit. I really hope things can look up for you, your wife and your children! Sounds like you love her more than words can describe, hopefully it's not to late for her to see that. Has the birthday thing came up yet? If not, it may be a good idea to give her that as a present outside of her birthday...not saying to rush things, but maybe that will show her how much you want her to be herself! Keep us posted!


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## blind

Thanks again for all the advice and support. Here is an update.

We went to Steamboat, CO for a ski trip with my best friend (see original post) and his wife. Ideally I would have rather gone with just my wife and son, but the trip was planned well in advance of all of this blowing up. Anyway, the trip had some high and low points. In the end, it was probably a postive thing. She and I were able to talk a few times without all the distractions that usually interupt us (kids, phone, work, etc.). She still won't come out and say that she wants this all to work out, but she hasn't spoken to a lawyer and I don't gather that she has any immediate plans for leaving. No doubt she has given it some thought, but I don't think she wants it to end just yet.

When we talk she continually comes back to the thought that she doesn't know if my changes are permanent or temporary. This gives me some hope because I do intend to make a positive permanent change and make her a top priority. If that is what she needs, then I can provide it. Also, it tells me that she is willing to wait and see how I have changed and to see if the changs are permanent. This means she is willing to give this some substantial time. Atleast I hope this is a correct interpretation of what she is telling me.

Her birthday is next week. I have planned out several of the items for the birthday idea and today purchased some of the items/activities. I plan to give it to her on or before Saturday (assuming I can get everything in order between now and then).

As long as I can keep my emotions under control, our time together is pleasant. But, once in a while my emotions get the best of me (we don't yell, but when I loose control I cry and she clams up). For instance, the evening before our last night of skiing I gave her a mustard seed necklace (you know, if you have the faith of a grain of mustard seed you can move mountains). She liked it. I guess I ignorantly expected her to tell me she wanted this all to work and give me some assurance that things would be okay. As I should have expected, she again told me that she has felt this way for years and that it will take time before she knows what she really wants. I don't think I really showed it, but this started the hurting all over again. The next morning (our last day of skiing) I woke up (after what little sleep I was able to get) crying and hurting. Many mean things were running through my head. In fear I would say something I didn't mean or that I would regret, I grabbed my gear and headed out the door to ski by myself and collect my thoughts. I actually had a really good time skiing by myself (the 24 inches of fresh powder didn't hurt things either). She took this as me getting to do what I wanted at her expense. She stewed over this for a day or two. Finally she asked why I left that morning, so I told her. I think she understood. I just wish we could communicate more effectively. In other words, after a bit of cooling off, I wish we could calmly approach the other and say "Hey, I didn't appreciate you leaving, why did you do that?" We talked about communication some. She has a hard time telling me how she really feels because for so long she has held it in. Hopefully she understands I have a sincere interest in her feelings and that I can only react in a positive and constructive way if she tells me how she feels. I told her I can't read her mind, but I am truly interested in her thoughts and feelings.

Soooooo, are we headed in the right direction? I don't know for sure, but it feels a little better in my heart than it has for the past several weeks.

Thanks again.


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## debrajean

You have not lost...your both still together and still love one another. That's your starting point. I sincerely believe the two of you should attend therapy _*together*_. She needs to know how very serious you are about sharing your life with her and your family and not your hobbies. You need to be reassured that she wants to continue with your marriage. Therapy will force both your feelings out in the open and on the table. Knowing where you stand with one another is knowing what can be done to keep your relationship strong. Good luck!


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## blind

debrajean - I agree that we should be in therapy together. Her therapist wanted her to see him for 1 month before we go to a therapist together. I didn't really agree with this, but I am not a therapist and I must trust his judgment. He also told her that a happy marriage is the top priority. As an attorney, my clients sometimes disagree with me on issues but usually will trust my judgment. In the end they are glad they did. I hope the same rings true for her therapist's advice. 

With regard to loving one another, there is no doubt that I love her dearly. I am not wholly convinced that she loves me. She tells me she does, but only after I say it first. When she responds, it just doesn't feel as convincing as it did before. Hopefully I am just being overly sensitive to her actions and have misinterpreted her true feelings.

Unless the schedule has changed, she is going to her therapist today after she gets off work. I am hopeful that he will now suggest couples therapy.

BTW - I gave her the birthday present last night. I didn't really know how she would react. I had gone to bed before her and just put it under the covers on her side of the bed. She found it and was able to read about all the different days that were planned for her. She said it was a very neat and thoughtful gift. I do believe that she liked it.

Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed that we are headed in the right direction. 

Thanks for the continued input.


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## blind

For anyone still reading this thread, here is another update. Maybe I should start a new thread, but for now I'll just post here.

Last week went fairly well, atleast from an observer's view point. I was able to keep my emotions in check and tried to be supportive of her and the kids. But, over the weekend she and I both had a break down. Friday night she just broke down into tears. I felt bad for her, put the kids to bed, and gave her some time and space. Saturday was okay but I could not sleep and basically stayed up most of the night. I got a little sleep on the couch, but when I woke up Sunday I was hurting very bad. We didn't fight at all over the weekend, but Sunday I was very quiet. I just couldn't act like things were okay anymore. My pastor even called to see how I was doing because he could tell I was hurting.

Last night she and I had a long talk. We were both very considerate, no mean words were said, but both of us were hurting very badly. She finally told me that she doesn't love anymore. She said her prayers were that what ever happens that our children will be okay and the I will stay in church. My prayer, on the other hand, is that God will help us through this tough time and our marriage will be stronger in the end. We both feel that in the past several weeks, with both of us seeing different therapists, that things are getting worse. Although I think she was reluctant, she again agreed to see a therapist together. We are making an appointment for next week, and I believe she will follow through this time. I told her that I firmly believe that people can fall in love the same person again. She said she hasn't been able to do marriage counseling because she is sorely afraid that the things she has to say will be devastating to me. I told her I had no choice but to try and save our marriage and that I would just have to handle whatever she has to say as best that I can. We ultimately concluded that sooner or later we are going to have to get all these feelins, good and bad, out on the table and that we might as well get started.

Aside from the obvious concerns of losing my wife, I am deeply concerned for our children. Our son is 5 and our daughter is 1. My parents divorced when I was 5. I have memories of not wanting to see my father, and then after seeing my father, not wanting to go home to my mother. I don't know how to handle the thought of my son and daughter going through the same thing. I also don't know how to handle the thought of all the things in my childrens' lives I will miss if we divorce. I know I will do my best to be a good father and be involved in their lives, but I also know there will be many things I will miss. For instance, last night my children were playing together and my daugther started laughing extremely hard at the things my son was doing. These little things happen without notice and if you aren't there you miss it. My father missed alot of my childhood. I still love him and he is a good friend. But, he still doesn't know me the way my mother does because he just wasn't around me as much.

I know people get through these things, but I just can't seem to understand how. I would like to hear from some you out there that have been through divorce with children and how you handled some of these situations. Thank you.


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## MyKidsMom

Well I’m still here.....I have read everything.......Your past self sounds just like my husband right now, this is his second marriage. We have been together for 13 years and man I feel like your wife. I commend you on your efforts, you need to hear that, you are doing the best that you can. Stay strong…………I don’t have any advice for you only that keep working at it. Love does come and go, and she just needs time. 


The sun will shine again…. I’m giving you a pat on the back and (ata boy). Because not all men would stand up and take the blame that you have…. But remember there are 2 people in a relationship and we all make mistakes. And we teach people how to treat us. 
Cyber Hug


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## MyKidsMom

P.s. please keep posting I love reading your posts. ")


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## blind

MyKidsMom - Thank you for the kind words. I am sorry to hear your husband has made some of the same mistakes I have. I've not been one to give advice to others at this point because I don't feel like I have any real words of wisdom to give regarding marriage and relationships. I don't know all the details of your situation (however I did read some of your posts). But, let me say this, I have wandered through the last several years of my marriage being BLIND. I have done a great deal of thinking about how I became so ignorant of my wifes feelings. While I am trying my best to accept full responsibility for my actions, I honestly believe that I am not the only one at fault for the martial problems my wife and I are experiencing. No I am not recanting on my admission that I have screwed up. Please hear me out. As we go through life we are going to make mistakes and people WILL get hurt. It is just our human nature. We aren't perfect and don't make the right decisions every time. My point is this: I know I did not put my wife first when I should have. But, as hard as I have tried at times, I am not a mind reader. We must communicate effectively with our spouses when something causes us to become upset. My wife and I do not communicate effectively. It takes two to have effective communication. For so long she acted as though things were fine. In my blindness, I just assumed everything was, in fact, okay. Finally, she let me know that she has felt this way so long that (1) She doesn't know if she wants our marriage to work and (2) She really doesn't love me anymore. I firmly believe our current situation could have been avoided if we communicated effectively years ago. I believe the things making her unhappy could have been readily addressed long before the love faded. Yes it can be difficult to tell someone how you truly feel. Yes it can be difficult to get their undivided attention. Yes it can be difficult to convince the other person that these issues are serious and must be addressed. But, we must communicate effectively because our marriages and happiness hang in the balance. Looking back my wife brought this up only a few times. But, it would seem to pass. I needed her to set me down, and calmly but sincerely explain how she felt, letting me know the gravity of the situation. She will agree that for some reason she can't talk to me. She is in counseling for this (among other issues). This Wednesday I am going to counseling with her so she can try and start talking to me about her feelings more openly. I have been told this session is for HER and not US. This is hard to take as I originally thought that this was the beginning of our marriage counseling. There again, we weren't able to communicate effectively and I was under the misunderstanding that we were starting marriage counseling. All the while, she knew this was counseling for her and not us.

MyKidMom - are you still with me? I know this is the long way around to saying you must do your very best to effectively communicate to your husband your feelings, concerns, and needs. Maybe you have already done this and he refuses to hear it. But, it may be worth another try. I can't imagine ending a marriage without being convinced that I did everything in my power to save it. If my marriage ends, I will be devastated. But, I will at least be able to find comfort in knowing (1) I did all I could once I knew there were problems and (2) I have learned a great deal and won't make the same mistakes again.

Now for a little update on my life. The weekend was uneventful. Anymore, this is a good thing. My wife and I spent some time together over the weekend. Nothing intimate or mushy, just kind of hanging out with the kids and watching a few movies after they went to bed. Weekends like this are so very bitter sweet. I got to spend some time with her, see her smile and laugh a few times, and watched her sleep for a little while. This makes me feel good in part and then the next moment my heart begins pounding and the hurt resets. I want so badly to take her in my arms and kiss her lips. I know you all don't know her, but her beauty is quite striking. This might be a little corny, but her head smells wonderful. Anyway, I just want to be able to love her openly. I know this isn't what she needs right now and do my best to control these feelings. I still tell her she is beautiful and that I love her. I am helping out more with the kids and the house. I am trying not to smother her. This morning when I told her bye and headed to work I gave her a hug and quick kiss. She hugged me back and I felt like she squeezed a little harder than she had been. Maybe she didn't, but it felt like it to me. I got to smell her hair and feel her pressed against me for a few moments. It warmed me a little on the inside.

I still cry almost everyday. I recover a little quicker and have been able to hide it a little better. I know she needs me to be strong and supportive but my heart still hearts most of the time. The hurt isn't as bad as it was. I am beginning to be able to sleep better. I still wake up several times a night, but I am able to go back to sleep. I am slowly being able to concentrate better at work. I am very fragile right now, but I think I'm getting stronger. I appreciate that it would not take much to put me into another tail spin, but I pray I can continue to be patient, grow, find some confidence, and push forward.

It helps me just to write things in this thread. The little bits of feedback and advice also help. This has become a journal of sorts for me. Thanks for reading.


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## draconis

> I am sorry to hear your husband has made some of the same mistakes I have. I've not been one to give advice to others at this point because I don't feel like I have any real words of wisdom to give regarding marriage and relationships.


Are you kidding? You are a person who knows what he did wrong and struggled through problems. This is a peer helping peer forum. How many people have said "I have been there too"?

draconis


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## sarahdale24

draconis said:


> Are you kidding? You are a person who knows what he did wrong and struggled through problems. This is a peer helping peer forum. How many people have said "I have been there too"?
> 
> draconis


I agree!! You have admitted your problems, know what you did wrong and are trying to FIX it! Sounds like you are qualified to me!


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## blind

I haven't posted on this thread in a few days, but it feels like its time to give an update. Again, this thread has become a journal of sorts for me and I find it is helpful to post here just to get my thoughts and feelings expressed. Also, typing this out helps me separate my real feelings from those that are more temporary and superficial. I've read back over some of my prior posts and have been able to see how my feelings and thoughts have progressed and changed.

Wednesday I went with my wife to see her therapist. The point of the meeting was to have him help her talk to me. Communication has certainly been a very weak point of our marriage. I am quickly realizing that communication was a bigger problem than I first expected. I learned from this session that she has felt neglected for a very long time. She feels I have put almost everything in my life above her. I don't think I realized just how long she has had these feelings. Also, when she tried to communicate with me I didn't hear her. At some point, she quit trying to tell me how she felt and just began holding it all in. Recently she reached a breaking point where she just couldn't take it anymore. Her love for me changed. She has come to the conclusion that we have just been cohabitating. She can't go on this way. Something must give. I need to be listening to her and she needs to be communicating her feelings. I know this will be difficult for us both. She has grave doubts that I can hear her feelings and is even more doubtful that I can make permanent changes in making her a priority. She is at a cross-roads. Down one path is divorce and down the other is working on our marriage and giving me a chance to show her I can and will make positive, permanent changes. One of her most significant fears is that by giving me a chance and working on our marriage she is putting herself out there in a very vulnerable condition. She feels that if I don't follow through on my promised changes that she will fall back into holding her feelings in and will be crushed all over again.

I believe we will be starting marriage counseling in the next few weeks. Her therapist is encouraging her to do this and I welcome it. I still believe there are many things she hasn't yet had the strength or desire to tell me. I know it will hurt and be difficult to hear, but I believe I must know just how she feels and how deeply my actions have hurt her. I pray we each give this an ernest effort. We've got a very long road ahead of us. I know these things take months and often years. At this point I am willing to go the distance. I must accept that in the end our marriage may not work. However, my feeling is that we must put forth our best effort to find out. In the end, good or bad, I think this will be a growing opportunity for us both. If she and I are ever going to be able to have a healthy relationship (even if our marriage fails) we must learn how to effectively communicate and react appropriately to the information received. We both love our children dearly and our lives will be connected on some level regardless of the outcome. I expect that divorce requires a significant amount of effective communication to make the best of it for us and our children. Also, if we do divorce, given that we are both in our 30s, I expect we will eventually find someone else. Through this experience, I believe we would both be better companions.

Please don't get me wrong, I am no where near throwing in the towel. However, as stated above, I must realize that this may not work. In a way, this motivates me even more to try and do every thing I can to again gain her love, trust, and companionship in a good marrage. Kind of a rising to the occassion situation. I don't think I could put my whole heart and soul into this if I just assumed everything would work out and this would all blow over. I must appreciate all the possible results. I can't just focus on what I have to lose, but I must also focus on all I have to gain. I know my wife can love in amazing ways. Her heart and patience run very deep. Many women would have packed up and left long ago. When her touch and words are loving, it can make me feel so wonderful. I have so much to gain be giving my very best effort. I pray that at some point she can also feel that she has something wonderful to gain in giving me an opportunity to prove that I can change and more importantly that I WANT to change.

My days are still up and down. I am sure this will be the case for a good while. I must honestly say that my needs aren't being met. I appreciate and am trying to accept that her needs need to come first at this point. My needs are affection, time alone with her, and intimacy. I can't expect her to give me these things right now. She must first feel she can trust me to follow through on my promises. Just typing this makes me realize I haven't effectively communicated to her what my needs are. As I learned in our joint session, she feels as though she has been doing everything she was "supposed" to do. She has let me enjoy my hobbies and friends. She has spent many days and nights alone while I was fishing, riding ATVs, shooting trap/skeet, etc. etc. She hasn't been a very affectionate person towards me for some time. This wasn't clear to me until recently. When we dated, I was the person that was always holding her hand, touching her hair, brushing up against her in the hall, initiating kisses and sex. This was fine because she reciprocated. As time went on, I still did these things but she slowly stopped reciprocating. Looking back I believe I began finding more comfort and enjoyment in being with my friends and taking part in my hobbies than being with her. As her needs were going unnoticed and grossly unmet, she slowly stopped showing affection for me. The less affection I felt from her, the more I wanted to do other things. I see this as a vicious circle. I accept that I started the process and take responsibility for that.

I believe the vicious circle can be reversed. It will take time as it is spining very quickly and there is significant inertia. But as the cycle slows it becomes easier to stop and eventually reverse. As her needs are being met I pray she will again want to slowly begin trying to meet my needs. If my needs are slowly being met I wll be that much more motivated to meet her needs. Another vicious cycle can start but this time in a loving, caring, and healthy direction.

One thing I must do at some point is communicate my needs to her. I hope the therapist can help facilitate this and I hope I can rely on him to help me know when the time is right. I don't believe I have ever really communicated what my needs were. In the beginning she met my needs and it may have been unknowingly. I don't know if she understands what my needs really are. I also take responsibility for this failure in our communication.

I know I get long winded. If you made it this far, thanks. If you didn't, you won't be reading this sentence, but I understand. Thanks again for the support, advice, comments, and perspective.


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## GinaGrey

Well I so applaud you BLIND. You are truly an amazing man. Coming to a forum and telling your story, not only helping yourself as you admitted, kind of your own therapy, but letting us give our opinions as well. I also want you to be so proud of yourself, for even realizing what you did to cause where you are now in your life. And even more, that you are trying everything in your power to fix this... You have come very far my friend. You do know it takes a great man to not only describe but actually take responsibility for his actions. I am happy you two are exploring options in saving this relationship for yourselves and the kids. You not only owe it to yourselves but your children as well. I believe you are both working in the right direction. I would like to help you as well in a differnet way if you would let me. I see that you are eager to try everything possible to save your sacred marraige and I am so over joyed for that especialy becuase of the young children. I love your idea for her birthday. And I relaize you don't want to come off as buying her affection. Which is awesome. However may i ask when is the last time you truly seduced and romanced her? Have you thought of this approach and if so have you tried to apply and consistantity to it?
Would you be open to some ideas? If so please let me know.
I wish you lots of luck.

Gina Grey


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## blind

Gina, thank you for your post.

It has been about 6 days since I last posted here. In those 6 days the roller coaster has really had some ups and downs. One day I do pretty well, and the next my spirits really down. I am pretty low in spirit right now and I am finding it hard to get a foot hold. I don't know if this is the bottom, but it can't be too far away.

A couple of days ago my wife and I were able to talk a little bit. I came away pretty hurt. Her demeanor was calm and neither of us were combative. I suppose we had some effective communication, but what I heard was painful. I don't suppose this surprises me as I know this process is very diffcult. I told her I believe two people can fall in love again. She said she believes they can if they WANT to. She said she feels as though she just can't try anymore. She told me she is worried about our son and also me losing many of the things I mentioned somewhere in one of my above posts (church, friends, house, etc. etc.). She said she doesn't know how much time she should give this to be fair to me and our son. I got mixed signals, but trying to be objective, my impression is that her mind is made up that she wants a divorce but she doesn't know when would be the best time when considering me and our son. Again, this was my impression and I certainly could be interpreting what she told me in the wrong way. I appreciate that I am hurting right now and that this can color and skew her words. I told her I still loved her and she said she could tell because of the changes I am making.

All of that being said, we have a marriage counseling appointment next week. In our small town, we don't have many options on therapists. With her work and our children, she isn't really able to travel to another town for counseling. The therapist we are going to see is the same person she has been seeing on an individual basis. This makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I feel I must give it a try as it appears to be our only option, and we obviously aren't gaining any ground on our own. I mentioned above that I went with her last week to see this therapist for an appointment for her, not us. Frankly, I kind of like the guy.

Over the past week or so I feel like my wife is withdrawing even more from me and our marriage. I suppose this is why I came away from our recent talk with the impressions that I have. I am still committed to making the changes I have promised her. It will get tough at times, but giving up will only bring about all those things I fear the most.

My greatest concern now is that she will not be willing to give this the time that it needs for her to trust that the positive changes I am making are here to stay. I believe she is scared of letting herself fall in love with me again because she fears I will then revert back to my old ways. Then she would be going through all of this again and be very hurt for yet another time.

We have not been intimate for a couple of months. About one month ago I tried to be very sensual with her when we had an evening together after the kids had gone to bed. It ended in her crying. This is when I learned she doesn't "love me the way I need to be loved." I learned that night that she is not "in love" with me. No attempts have been made by either of us to be intimate since then.

Before Valentine's Day I read on this or another forum about a sensual massage. They called it a "compass massage" but I don't think that is a well known name for any specific type of massage. Anyway, the method I read about involved blind folding her and slowly and sensually removing her clothing. I bought massage oil for the massage. In short, the information I read described a slow and loving massage of her entire body divinding it in to four quadrants (North, South, East and West - hence the name "compass massage"). The blind fold is to help eliminate one of the senses, so the body's other senses are more acute and aware. It described this as taking an hour or more. I had hoped to do this on Valentine's Day or Friday after. I didn't even intend for it to end up with sex, I just wanted to do it for her to let her know I could love her through sensual touching that didn't require sex. Valentine's Day was not good for us and the weekend following was not all that great either. She was very distant and withdrawn. I never gave her the massage and never mentioned anything about it to her.

So, to answer your question, yes I have considered trying to seduce and romance her. But, I haven't tried it and fear it may push her further away. I don't want to smother her right now. However, I am certainly open for any suggestions and thoughts you may have. That is one of the reasons I started this thread.

Thanks for the input, if you would rather respond via PM, that would be appreciated.

Blind


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## fredfoxw28

I think your wife was taking you for granted. That happens a lot in marriages, we get comfortable and feel like our partner is not going anywhere. While you were keeping your half of the bargain she was busy with her own thing. I'm glad you relaized that a relationship will only work if both parties work together and she notices the change. It's unfortunate that we have to play games but it makes the other person realize what they might loose. When I am angry with my husband talking doesn't always help because he really doesn't want to hear me at the moment. So I continue to live my life as normal as possible almost like he was not a factor in my life. You should see how quickly he comes to his senses. All of a sudden he is apologizing for what ever he did at that time. You seem to be a caring person and you love your wife dearly. One word advice is, love yourself first. Show confindence in yourself and maybe your wife will realize how lucky she is to have you.


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## blind

Well here is where our situation is currently. We recently had another talk. I let her go first and let me know how she is feeling. She is telling me that things are very real for her right now and that she just feels numb. She sees only two options. First, she can simply cohabitat with someone that she no longer chooses to be with. Second, she can get out of our marriage. She told me she just can't try any more and that she doesn't believe she can go on cohabitating. So, she concluded that the marriage is "final"

If you've ever loved someone with all of your heart and they tell you that they no longer choose to be with you and that they want free of the marriage, then you know how I have been feeling the past few days. I didn't know the human body could feel so many emotions at one time. I literally go from smiling one moment at my children to the next moment where I slip into the other room so they don't see me fall apart crying.

I didn't break down and cry while we were talking. I didn't sleep but a couple of hours that night. On the way to work the next day is when I came apart. A very relevant song came on the radio and here came the tears. After she told me how she felt I responded by saying that I am still commited to my changes. I still love her and that for the first time she will be getting from me what she never had before. I told her I just need a chance to prove my changes are real and see if she can learn to trust that these changes permanent. I told her that as her needs are being met that she may be able to find some strength to try and save the marriage and love me again. I said that I didn't expect an answer to the next question. I then asked if she would give me a chance now that I understand how she has felt for so long. It hurts to think I finally get it and don't have chance to try and make the marriage happy and loving. She didn't answer, but we have agreed to keep our couples therapy appointment this coming week. I don't know what either of us expects from it.

Weeks ago I didn't know if I could find the strength to continue on and a part of me wanted to give up. Now I don't know if I will be able to stop trying. I don't want to give up all hope. If there is any chance or hidden hope that things can possibly work out to save our marriage, I don't want to do anything to thwart them. Also, assuming our marriage is over, I know she will be facing a world of new challenges and hurdles in being a single mother of two. She'll need support and assistance. I intend to give it to her if for no other reason than I failed her before. I don't want to fail her and my children anymore. I know this will be emotionally and physically taxing. I'll have to find the strength to carry on.

On thing I am stuggling with the most now is my children. They are wonderful and very loved by my wife and I. At times it is hard for me to be around them because I feel the tears well up in my eyes and have to leave to room. They don't need to see me in that condition. I suppose this happens because I know how much they will have to go through (my parents divorced when I was 5 which is how old my son is now). Also, I know I'll miss them dearly. 

While I was sitting at the kitchen table today, my son crawled up in my lap and laid his head on my chest. He just currled up in a ball and pressed against me. I hugged him tightly. This went on for 10-15 minutes. He often gives me hugs and says he loves me. We have a great relationship. But, this was the first time in several weeks, if not a couple of months, that I received more lengthy, uncompromised and honest affection from anyone. I have talked to some of my friends about what is going on. They love me too. I am not too proud to give my male friends a hug. They try to help, but the affection I long for is from my immediate family. After my son hopped back down, I went to the bathroom and came all apart. I am learning what lonely is and will have to learn to deal with how it feels.

That's all for now. I'll keep posting if anything changes. Thanks for all the support. I'll probably need more now than ever.

Blind


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## Goodkatt

Dear Blind,

How are you and your wife doing? Today is the first time that you read your postings and here is what I see. 

Sometimes people find themselves in a push pull relationship. Visualize a pole between the two of you. If one person pushes the pole, the other moves away and vise versa. How do you get rid of the pole? Be authentic with your emotions to each other and be emotionally available. Sometimes people find themselves in this situation because they are emotionally insecure or because they realize they are loosing something that they took for granted.

If you respect yourself and your partner you will avoid a push pull relationship. In your situation, it sounds like you took your wife for granted until she gave up. When she started to pull away, you realized what you were loosing and woke up. Be grateful that realized what you were loosing and what you were doing to your marriage even if your wife cannot let go of the hurt.

Emotions are amazing and most people learn to be resilient. It sounds like your wife woke up and realized that she doesn’t have to settle for someone that isn’t emotionally available to her. Be grateful that you woke up even if you woke up too late for this relationship. On the bright side, you woke up, and therefore hopefully, you will be a better husband or partner in future relationship. 

I have one last question, are you emotionally available to your children? I suggest looking in all areas of your life that you may have neglected. Just remember, it doesn’t matter what happens in life, it is how you handle it that counts. If you truly love your wife, you will love her unconditionally. Best wishes.


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## Goodkatt

Dear Blind,

Chin up! It's not over yet! Play with your children and try to be happy. Learn from your mistakes and just do what you can to clean up prior messes. Once your wife sees you are going to be happy with or without her, she may find you more attractive. 

Just a few hints to catch the attention of your wife: 
1) Be physically eye-catching by being bathed daily, fresh hair cut, shaven, splash on an awesome cologne (try Cool Water Cologne by Davidoff for Men, its great!) and update your wardrobe. Fix your self up the same way you would if you were dating someone. Be at your best - be polished, be classy! Yes, on the weekends too! 

2) Be happy! I know it is hard at times, but fake it if you have to. Optimism and happiness is sexy! Play with the kids, plan family events, go out, laugh and have fun. Try to get your wife to join you and the kids and just focus on enjoying the moments together.

3) Tell your wife about the massage oil and blind fold. That sounds extremely exciting. Maybe take her out to dinner. Go dancing and have a few drinks. Take your wife out on a date and leave the past behind, live in the present moment and create new memories. It is possible that everything can turn around and your relationship will be better then ever! Be patient.

Allow yourself to authentically feel your emotions but give it a time limit each day. When appropriate, let the pain from this experience pass through you. If you try to block pain and don't let yourself truly feel the experience, it will not pass and it will spring up when you least expect it. Take the time to process your emotions and to learn from this experience. 

I hope this helps some. I am impressed that you have reached out and expressed yourself as fully as you have. If you and your wife can turn this around, you could have the marriage that others dream about. Be patient. :catfly:


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## blind

Goodkat, thanks for the advice and encouraging words.

Sunday my wife and I talked again. Nothing really new was expressed by either of us, but a few things were clarified. She still sees the only option she can live with is being divorced. She just can't go on in what she sees as cohabitation. She is going to give this some time. I asked if she is giving this time to see if maybe we can work out some of our problems and try to save the marriage or if she just doesn't thinkg it is the right time to separate. She said if she is being honest she wants to give this time because she doesn't want us to seperate while our son is still in school and thinks we should wait until summer. Obviously not what I wanted to hear, but atleast she was being honest. I suppose this gives me a few months to continue giving her what I should have been giving her all along. Maybe, just maybe, she'll find a little strength to try and work toward saving the marriage. I think if she could find even a small amount of love for me that she would be willing to try and rekindle something more between us. If she can't find the strength to try, the next few months will be extremely difficult just waiting for us to separate. If we don't have a chance, my children must come first. I agree we shouldn't separate while my son is in school. Also, when summer comes, my wife will be better able to begin making the adjustment to being a single mother without having to worry about work (she is a teacher and will be off for the summer). 

Spring break is coming up and my wife will be off work for a week. I hope she can use this down time to do some soul searching. Her life is very hectic right now and I think it can be hard to really think about the changes she is considering. Also, I don't think anyone can truly appreciate what divorce does to men, women and children until after the fact. If we divorce I hope we don't wake up one day down the road an regret what has happened. We will do our very best to help our children adjust. But, we can't predict how they will turn out and just how this will affect them. I can only look at my brother and I and how my parent's divorce affected us. My brother had a very hard time and made poor decisions that still affect him. I won't go into all he has done and been through. I felt like I adjusted pretty well, but looking back at how I handled marriage I am now wondering just how much my parents divorce affected how I approached marriage.

I do not want to debate religion in this thread, but I think that giving everyone a little bit of information on my beliefs may help explain a few things. First, I believe to divorce is sin and against God's will. Second, I believe that after divorce it is adultery to remarry. If our marriage ends in divorce, I will not be able to remarry or be intimate with another woman without going against God's will. This was my only chance and it appears I have wasted it. I am not looking for other opinions on religion, God, the Bible, etc. etc. There are few things I believe so strongly in. Please don't try to change my mind or try and have me question my beliefs. I have prayed diligently about these things and these are the answers I have been given. Again, I just wanted to say this briefly so that it may help explain why I am feeling the way I do.

Goodkat - I have always been one to dress well and am keeping myself up. I would like to start working out, but finding the time to do so would be difficult. This is complicated by the fact that all these years I put other things before my wife's needs. I think going to the gym would be seen by her to be yet another thing that comes before her. I am not overweight. I could probably use adding a few pounds of muscle. But I just think working out is a good way to help handle stress. I like Cool Water too and have used it in the past. I keep my wardrobe updated.

I would like to take my wife on some dates. I'll have to approach that gingerly. She knows how attracted I am to her, but I don't know if she wants to be around me in a situation that is romantic right now. I am feeling more comfortable talking to her and I feel like this is something I could bring up soon. We'll just have to see how it goes.

Happy is something that is hard to comprehend right now. I know and understand this is a must. My wife must feel like I can be happy around her and the kids. I am working diligently on this right now. Coming to terms with our situation is helping. At first this all came as such a surprise to me. Now that I am adjusting a little maybe being able to be happy will come a little easier too.

Thanks again for all the support and advice. Other than with regard to religion, I am open to suggestions, comments, and thoughts.

Blind


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## swedish

Hi Blind,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and although I'm fairly certain you wish you knew how your wife was feeling long before now, your focus is now in the right place to do something about it. I am curious if your wife shares your religious beliefs as far as being with another man should you divorce? If her beliefs are as yours, I would think there is more to lose with divorce and not seeing the benefit for her. It seems as though you both still respect one another so it doesn't seem to be an issue of needing to get out of a chaotic situation and the complications of two homes, impact on the children, financial implications would not outweigh living together as you are with the hope that seeing the change in you reignites a spark for her. My marriage was in a similar place last summer and felt my husband was able to continue bachelor life, fishing, wood-working, etc. (he is also extremely focused once he gets excited about something) and for me to run to the grocery store I felt I was imposing to ask him to stop what he was doing and watch the kids. I started to resent him and he started to feel that I didn't love or care about him. We were in serious dire straights at that point (our communication was horrible as we are both quite shy and private people) but decided to talk about how we made each other feel. I think the key for us was that we didn't point fingers and were both able to see fault in how we got to where we were and both wanted our marriage to work. I saw a counselor on my own for a while, which helped me to sort out how I was feeling & one thing she said that stuck with me...I was saying I'm not comfortable sharing my feelings and telling him what I'm thinking for fear of him saying 'too little too late' and then after being vulnerable, being shot down to nothing. Her response was 'Would you have regrets?' And I thought about it and said 'No, because I did everything in my power to make things work (although I'd feel awful)' She said, 'Would you have regrets if you kept it to yourself and he decided it was over?' My response, 'Yes, because I would always regret that I didn't speak up, that things might have been different if I did.' It sounds like in one of your posts where you felt good, even if it meant it didn't all work out in the end, that you were at peace because you were doing all you could to make things right. You still are. I agree with you that pushing any romance will not help your situation right now. I would respond more to your actions that show your love and support, especially if they didn't seem like a favor. Offering to watch the kids on Sat. so she can go work out is great, but it would have a greater impact for me if you said 'I'm going to take the kids to the zoo today...I'd love for you to come along but if you want to use the time for yourself, that's fine too because you deserve it more than anyone.' I guess in general letting her see how much you love your kids and her by giving them time and wanting to be around them as much as possible to the point where if she were to go work out, she wouldn't need to ask, she would just say 'going to the gym' and know you are there. If she typically arranges babysitters when you go out, etc. try taking that on...get a sitter and ask her if she'd like to go out to dinner. One book really helped me look at love in a different way (and gave the audio version to my husband for his long commute to work) The Five Love Languages. Hang in there...everything you are doing, no matter how things turn out, will give you the peace of mind that you did all you could.


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## tumblingdice

Blind:

I mentioned you in my thread today but thought I'd post here as well in case you don't get there. I thought I read that your wife had been depressed. If not, maybe she should be checked out for that because some of her behavior reminds me of clinical depression. I know when a marriage is "broke" it is a Herculean task to fix it. But from what I'm reading, it seems like you want to fix it and your wife just isn't interested. I wonder if she may need to go to a counselor to see what the root of the issue might be. Maybe she is unsure of her feelings right now but for the sake of her kids and the history you both share, she owes it to everyone to give her marraige a fighting chance. Good luck to you both.


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## suewithaz

Hello, your post reached my heart. I feel the exact same way toward my husband. I just posted a short sob story. My husband acted that way for the last 4 months. I couldn't get thru to him and knew I was losing him. I treated him like crap for awhile, years, with my frustration of combining a family and resenting that he couldn't make money honestly for awhile. Now he got the good job, etc. And I've poured all of my heart into making the past up to him and loving him. But he says its too little to late and he left. He's been having an affair for 4 months. I'm a wreck. I just keep thinking of all of the times he has lied, all of the plans we were making. We have to hang in there.


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## blind

Thanks everyone for the recent input. This thread was slowing down a little, which was fine, but it is comforting to get some new support and thoughts.

swedish - I recently purchased The Five Languages of Love and have read about 2/3 of it. I'll finish it soon. So far I agree it sheds some new light on how my marriage got to this potential breaking point. My wife and I share the same religious beliefs deep down. I think she may being questioning the religious side of things primarily because she feels she deserves to be happy even if it is with someone else. I won't elaborate on this much because I don't feel it is for me to question her faith. That is between her and God.

I liked your approach to the zoo/workout scenario. I'll keep that in mind. I'm glad to hear you and your spouse have recognized the issues and are working towards a common goal. I wish you the best.

tumblingdice - Yes I did read what you wrote in your thread. Thanks for the thoughts and comments. With regard to depression, my wife struggles with the idea of relying upon medication. This is something we addressed last night in our couples therapy. The therapist encouraged her strongly to see her Dr. to check the dosing on her meds. She related that she doesn't take the meds regularly and he also encouraged her to take them as prescribed. I hope she will do this on her own. It would be very difficult at this point in our realtionship for me to push this on her. If she doesn't do this on her own I'll need to find a way to approach it that won't be offending to her. The therapist can hopefully help also.

She did see the therapist for several visits before agreeing to joint counseling. Of course I don't know what all was discussed and if any conclusions were reached. Generally I think the therapist believes she was never able to tell me her feelings and stuffed her anger and pain somewhere deep inside. It is coming out as depression and choosing divorce by default. He would like for her to let out the anger and pain even if she needs to direct it toward me. I'm fine with that if that is what needs to happen for her to find strength and willingness to work toward saving the marriage. I need to hear these things and experience them with her even if it will hurt. I'll need to experience and see her anger and pain. This will be tough, no doubt, but I'm up to the challenge.

She is struggling with what is fair to the children and me. I believe I deserve a chance, but I don't really expect her to see that now. I do believe the children deserve a chance for the marriage to work and the therapist agreed. I hope that is something she took with her from the session. I hesitate to guess her thoughts on this, but I think she agrees on some level.

suewithaz - I am so sorry for your situation. You must be hurting and for that I wish you some comfort and strength. To date I haven't been faced with dealing with an affair. But, I am not so naive as to think I know all about my situation yet. Many on this site have dealt with that issue and should be able to give you some support and advice. These things take months if not years to repair. You've worked on it for 4 months and that is great, but, don't expect it to be magically fixed in that period of time. It takes years to get where you and your husband are and may take that long to fix. It is tought to tell you this, but I feel like he'll need to completely end the affair and sever contact before the two of you can effectively work on the marriage. All I can say is don't give up on it. Stay the course. Without out more information I don't really have any more thoughts except to say be strong and try to find something that gives you comfort and occupies your mind. Emotions can be very dangerous. They are important and needed, but must be addressed carefully. I don't know if you have a thread, but I'll check and see.

As for an update on my situation, my wife and I attended our first real joint therapy session last night. Much of the session was spent trying to figure out where to go from here and if we had any sort of a common goal. My wife went in with the mindset that divorce is her only option. I went in with the mindset that I want to save the marriage and that divorce is not an option. I can't say we found any firm middle ground, but we did make another appointment for next week. I sense a little doubt in her as to whether divorce is the right decision right now. She can't imagine I could change after all these years. I understand why she feels that way. I tried to express that I finally have my eyes opened and because of that I now WANT to change to meet her needs. That this is what I desire, not just a selfish attempt at keeping her from leaving. If she ever comes to accept and trust that, it will take time. I just pray that I get the time to show her. She was also upset that when this all came to light I pushed her too hard for a commitment to try and work on the marriage. This pushed her toward making a decision alright, but the decision she reached was to seek divorce. Now I am the one begging for time and she doesn't know if she is willing since I wasn't. Will my foolshness and ignorance ever end? I'll make mistakes in the future, but I hope they become less frequent.

Not much else to add right now. I'm still sticking to the plan and staying the course. She is still the love of my life and I'll fight for her and our marriage. Days are up and down, mild highs and extreme lows. I'm getting more used to this and handle it better thani did the past few months. I'm looking forward to the weekend and a little more time with the family.

Thanks again and check back for updates. I like this forum and the support it provides.

Blind


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## swedish

Hi Blind,

I may be off the mark here, but to give you a brief background, I went through a divorce 9 years ago (we were together since high school for 20 years, married for 12) and my ex also told me he would change but for me it was too little too late and I did believe it was a panic response on his part vs. a real WANT to change. In my case, I have no regrets as he remarried 2 months after we divorced and is back to his old ways with his now wife, but you are obviously serious about making permanent change and redirecting your focus to your wife and children. Your wife may be looking for signs as to whether this is a mad scramble for you or a serious change. One thing you mentioned that stuck with me was when you (admittedly in error) wanted a commitment from her to work on your marriage. She may be looking for more than you spending more time with the family. She may feel she's lost herself in the marriage and doesn't even know who she is anymore. If you are a strong-minded person and used to taking charge of what is going on around you, she may be resenting you for that as she may feel it prevents her from making her own decisions and feels some loss of freedom being in the marriage. In addition to what you are already doing, another idea might be to talk to her about how she's feeling in the marriage and what she's hoping to change if she's not married. Are there things like housekeeping, disciplining the children, spending money/finances, conversations with you, etc. that she may be doing a certain way that she may not fully agree with but does not want to upset you so does it anyway? These types of things may be causing her to feel trapped and the only way to change in her mind would be to be on her own. I may be grabbing at straws here as I don't know either of you, but thought I'd toss it out there anyway.


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## blind

swedish - Those are some very interesting observations on your part. She told me early on that she feels like she lost her identity and doesn't know what she likes to do anymore. I must be honest in saying I don't know what she likes to do either. I very much want her to find out who she is and what she likes. I'm willing to do what ever I can to help support her in this. You pose a very thought provoking question for me: What is she hoping to change if we divorce? So far the only thing I know she is seeking is happiness. That is obviously an understandable but vague and general term. I think the issue might be: What changes would divorce give her that would make her happy? I want to give this some real honest thought. Maybe this is something we could talk about if the time presents itself in such a way that it doesn't seem pushy to her.

You made another very astute observation. My pushing her to commit to working on the marriage was likely interpreted by her as me asking whether it was worth it or not for me to put forth any effort. In other words, if she would commit, I would try. If she would not commit, I would not try. I think she may well have interpreted this as a mad scramble on my part. Again, if I am being honest with you and myself, at the time I was pushing her for a commitment, that was my mindset. I've come along way in the last few months. I have realized many things. I have understood things I had never considered before. It was after this rude but necessary awakening that I began to approach the situation differently. I began to discover what was truly important to me. I began to WANT to change and meet my wife's needs. So, that is the long way around to saying, I think your right.

I feel like my eyes are wide open and I'm seeing much better than before. Is my sight 20/20? Probably not. It seems everyday I see a little more. Today is no exception. Thanks swedish, your comments are much appreciated. I understand that you don't know me and my wife, but I think you could well be on to something here.

Blind


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## swedish

I guess some people classify it as a mid-life crisis, but we all go through points in our life where we question our purpose and are not happy with where we are at. I have been at that point a few times in my life and I can understand your wife not knowing what she likes, just knowing she is not happy right now. I have contemplated a career change (I've been in the IT field for over 20 years and in recent months talked to my husband about going to law school...but made no serious changes on that regard...yet) and have started doing some volunteer work because helping others in need is much more satisfying to me than writing new software. I started going to the gym again because I also suffer from depression and do not want to take medication so it helps the way I feel. I think about 3 months ago I came to the realization that what I love to do most is be a wife and mother, but was feeling over the years somewhat unappreciated for that, so I didn't realize how important it was to me until we had serious marital problems last summer. I spoke about this with my husband and he has been very sweet to pay nice compliments about the meal I made or decorating I do and I have done the same with his wood-working projects. It wasn't that we weren't thinking these things before, we just weren't saying it & the feeling of being loved and appreciated for what we do, whether big or small, goes a long way. I guess my point in a rambling round-a-bout way is that she may not be able to put a finger on what will make her happy at this point, so you could start a conversation with her on her hopes and dreams when she was young (in her teens) and if she still has any that have not been fulfilled. Or, come up with some creative ideas based on what you know of her...for example, she does a wonderful job decorating our home maybe I'll ask her if she would think taking a course at the local college would interest her. I see hints of myself in some of what you say about your wife, so as I come up with things I think may help you, I will surely share them with you so you can take from it whatever might apply and help you...Just on the sidelines rooting for you both right now!


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## bhappy3

Blind...

I am in the same sort of situation, yet not quite as exaggerated. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married almost 9 and I'm at the melting point too. He is finally aware of all the things I've been trying to address all these years and is wholeheartedly trying. What I'm afraid of is that once he gets my heart back in it, he'll revert back to his old self and we'll be right back in the same boat.

And the beginning of change for me, I almost resent it... I've been telling him for years what the problem is, why does it take my very tantrum like threat of divorce to get him to open his eyes?? I'm very wary of the changes, though I'm starting to ease up with the resentment. 

If your wife has no other men knocking at the door that she's in a rush to get out of a life with you, then she has nothing but time to work on her relationship with you. Have you pledged your commitment to change to her?? Get it out in the open, a time frame to work on the problems and get them ironed out. If by that deadline she doesn't see a change, or she still feels the same, then talk about finalizing. But give it a fair amount of time... a year and a half maybe. 

I read that you enjoy spilling all your problems on here, which is really helpful. I however, have a journal that I keep on my computer. It's just on notepad and I just keep it in an oddly named folder, but it's a way for me to vent and get it all off my chest. Perhaps if you vented to yourself your posts could be a tad shorter on here... ?? I dont' mean to complain, but it's hard to read the posts that take up sooo much space. Just a thought. 

I haven't read all of your posts, bits and pieces of most of them. I applaud you for the therapy and for the Five Love Languages book... I just read it and am waiting to get it on CD for my husband. It may not be a cure all, but it sure will offer a ton of insight!! 

Good luck and I'll keep reading bits and pieces. =)


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## blind

Thanks for the continued comments, suggestions, advice and support. They are much needed and very appreciated.

I'll try to keep this a little shorter. Someone mentioned I might try to keep a journal. I have been for about a month. It is helpful. If you think my posts are long you ought to see the journal.

Anyway, my wife and I spoke again Saturday. She told me again she doesn't love me and just can't try to love me anymore. Not really anything new in that, but it still hurts to hear. She is upset with our therapist because he believes she is very depressed and she doesn't think she is. I think she wanted him to tell us the marriage is hopeless. He didn't. He actually implied that in his opinion, with effort and time, we can be happy together again. She lost alot of confidence in him and I expect her to want to cancel this week's appointment. I'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I don't know how I will respond, but I'll give it some thought.

Another thing she told me was that my changes are making her uncomfortable and that it is awkward that I am home so much. She said she would like to come home and be with the kids without me there. This hurts too. bhappy3 - is this what you felt like when your spouse first tried to make some changes? It seems she too is resenting my changes at this point. I think it will get more comfortable with time (if she is gracious enough to grant me enough time). I am in a bit of a catch 22. If I'm not there it will be like it was before. If I am there she is uncomfortable. I can't go back to the way I was before for fear of sending the wrong message. I don't want her to think I have already slipped back into my old ways. I suppose I'll stay the course but also try and be mindful and understanding that this is new for her and she can't yet accept it as genuine.

So, it is looking pretty grim, but I'll have to be strong regardless of what happens over the next weeks, months, year, etc. etc. I'm up and down alot and have trouble finding any stability or comfort.

I'll post again if anything changes. Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Blind.


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## bhappy3

I do feel awkward when he does try to do something he would have never done before b/c I know he's only doing it to try to appease me, not b/c he truly wants to or it's his nature... does that make any sense?? Over time if it became habit it would be easier to accept, but in the beginning it is just strange. I can understand that she wants to have some time alone with the kids... I'm always gracious for any time I get to myself. Maybe it's too much too soon... maybe a gradual incline to time at home...??


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## blind

bhappy3 - I understand what you are saying. Thanks for responding to my question.

Here is something that I have been thinking about lately. For what ever reason, I just didn't get it before. I didn't understand what my wife's needs really were. I know she tried to tell me how my actions were hurting her, but we just didn't communicate effectively. I was giving her what I wanted, affection and intimacy, while she was wanting my time and appreciation. She was giving me time and appreciation but not affection and intimacy. I never wanted to hurt her. I've always wanted her to be happy. Now that I understand what her needs are I WANT to meet them. I think too many spouses just expect their needs will be met automatically or naturally. I don't think that happens very often. Meeting the other's needs is not something that just happens out of love. It takes work and commitment and can only happen once it is understood what the other spouse's needs are. The changes I am making are genuine. I am not doing this just to appease her. I am doing these things because I want her to be happy and I want her needs to be met now that they are understood.

Blind


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## bhappy3

For me it was more like I've been telling him for years what I wanted and he never did it... he always did what he thought I wanted... which was what he really wanted me to be giving him. 

I am finding that the whole thing is a big mindset though, too... you have to want to be happy, thus wake up in the morning and think all the good thoughts you can about your spouse and overlook all the bad. My husband is a great person... very honest and noble. Sure he's got some flaws, and so do I, but he overlooks them and loves me through it. That's what I love about him. 

Maybe your wife isn't so much depressed as it could be a hormonal thing. I'm feeling like I've got hormone issues and am going to talk to the doctor about it. I just hope since she has no one pending at the door that she gives you and the relationship the time to deal with it. If you didn't know or hadn't waken up to the problem before now and now you want to fix it but she just wants to leave but has nowhere to go... it just seems like she needs to gradually tear down her wall. I just wish someone knew how to get that keystone out sooner for you.


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## bhappy3

communication communication communication


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## Immortalone

Just a quick thought here Blind. Have you ever thought about leting your wife read this forum. Maybe if she read this post you have put in here then she would see that you are trying to change and for the right reasons.


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## swedish

Hi Blind,

Have you told your wife what you've said here? 

"I was giving her what I wanted, affection and intimacy, while she was wanting my time and appreciation. I never wanted to hurt her. I've always wanted her to be happy. Now that I understand what her needs are I WANT to meet them."

In a nutshell, this really brings it home in that you are not just running around trying to win her back, but that you had an epiphany...a light bulb moment...you get it now  

Keep searching for answers as they will fuel you to forge ahead. I really think you're taking the right path & hope for some inner peace for you soon.


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## blind

Immortalone - I have considered mentioning this thread to her. I can't put my finger on why, but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I don't know if she has ever visited this forum or others like it. Obviously if she read this thread she would know it was mine. I guess if she finds it I'm okay with that. Otherwise I suppose I would have deleted it some time ago

swedish - yes I have spoken those very words or very similar words to her on a few occassions. She appreciates the fact that I am trying. I don't want to paint her as a heartless, difficult person. She's not. She is just struggling with accepting the changes as genuine given that I haven't provided these things for many many years. Also I believe she is having a hard time finding feelings for me. This must be hard for her too.


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## swedish

I had the same reservations about showing my husband my posts I think because I wouldn't want him to feel that I'm taking our issues outside of the marriage. He visits forums and posts but they are physics and IT related, not personal and I certainly wouldn't want him to worry that I was forming any inappropriate relationships, etc. as I am really only interested in keeping our marriage strong and throwing my 2 cents in when I think it may be helpful. I recently told him, just because I felt strange keeping it from him but he knows if I gave him the sites, I wouldn't be comfortable posting and he was fine with the whole thing.

I know first hand how hard it is to want to invest more time and energy into a relationship when you feel you've done that for years to no avail. She must feel that she just doesn't have the energy to try anymore but as long as you are both under the same roof, she can't help but notice the changes in you and even though she may be past the point of wanting to try, you still have the opportunity to reignite the spark


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## blind

Here is a quick update. 

We had a joint therapy session scheduled for today. As I mentioned in a previous post my wife became upset with the therapist last week. She is canceling today's appointment. This frustrated me and I actually got pretty angry. I didn't let my anger show. She said she may consider seeing a different therapist but we don't have any other options in our small town. If she were willing to travel about 45 minutes there are several good therapists in a nearby town. It is tough to bring these things up with her right now because she is so withdrawn from me and the marriage. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.

I'm getting pretty frustrated. I'm feeling like she is trying to thwart any efforts make to improve our relationship and marriage. I am still committed to staying the course and trying to provide for her needs. No doubt it is tough, but I expect it was pretty tough for her over the last several years when she felt she was the only one trying to improve the marriage. This makes me even more sorry for all she has been through trying to make me happy. I'm also feeling pretty ashamed of myself. As with the many other emotions I have been juggling for the past few months, I suppose I'll have to learn to deal appropriately with frustration as well.

One last thing for now. My wife's best friend (female) is going to Europe for a week or so. I think my wife will miss her. This is the person that gets most of my wife's time and attention right now. Maybe this will give us a chance to try and reconnect a little. I think we could use a few less distractions at the moment. Anyone else ever wish the world would stop so you could take a breather? I certainly wish that could happen.

Thanks for all your continued support and advice.

Blind


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## swedish

Putting all of your attention and focus into your marriage will be more challenging than the other things that had your focus in the past, because there is a human at the other end with her own thoughts and emotions that can change from one minute to the next. It makes golf sound easy  Hang in there...world won't be stopping any time soon but you should consider scheduling some down time...kids do wonders to distract you from focusing on anything but them...if you have the opportunity to spend time with them, maybe do something fun like cook dinner with them...make your own pizza/sundae night or something...you could probably use a fun little break.


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## Goodkatt

With respect to your beliefs, look for the gold in the lessons that the "school-of-life" is teaching. If your soul has grown, then the experiences in this relationship have provided you the appropriate environment for growth. If you see things in your life today that you did not see prior, then you have been blessed with new opportunities.

Here is an analogy to consider: If you break something that you love and that is beautiful, you may be able to put the pieces back together and enjoy it again; but if the item was actually shattered from your carelessness, just appreciate that fact that you had something in you life that you found to be beautiful and that you loved. Sometimes, we just have to appreciate what we had and open our hearts to something new.

I would rather live one day in the light then 100 years with my eyes closed. Now that your eyes are open, appreciate the beauty and the opportunities that you are blessed with now and the opportunities in the future. You can either pine for your losses or you can pick yourself up, brush yourself off, apologies to the people you have hurt, and move on to experience your life to its fullest. A second chance is the blessing to live another day with our eyes open so we may appreciate the beauty that is present.

Good luck!


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## blind

It has been a while since I posted here. Things are getting pretty rough at home. My wife continues to withdraw and has reiterated her desire to separate and divorce this summer when our son is out of school. She no longer has any feelings for me and is now telling me that my presence causes her to be extremely anxious and uncomfortable. She told me she has no desire to have feelings for me again and that she doesn't want to try. She approached me last week and essentially asked me to leave our home. I responded that I can't leave our home and family for a few reasons. I can't stand the thought of leaving the children. My Dad left our home and my brother and I resented him for that and felt abandoned. I was probably quicker to forgive my father, but I think my brother still carries around some baggage about it. Also, as stated before, I don't believe in divorce from a religious stand point. I feel that by leaving I would be facilitating divorce and making this easy on her. I don't mean that I will cause a big fight over our assets, child support, or custody. I think she and I can amicably work out those issues in a fair and rational way. But, I am not going to lay down and give up. By leaving I would be acquiesing to the divorce. I realize divorce seems to be where we are headed, and I am not ignorant of that reality. Telling her I would not leave made her angry. Our discussion was a bit heated, but, we didn't yell and our discussion was not loud or threatening. 

I have written her a letter trying to be empathetic and supportive. I have asked that she give this one more year. I realize she may not be able to try right now but I am praying the tension at home will slowly subside and we can atleast find a bit of comfort. Maybe then she will be able to atleast let her guard down a little and slowly put forth some effort. I related most of this to her in our discussion earlier this week. I plan to put it in her car when I leave for work in the morning. She is off work tomorrow and will have time to read and reflect on it. I told her I have written the letter and she has agreed to read it.

I won't stop fighting for our marriage until the final bell. 

Well that is probably all I need to say for now. Any thoughts are appreciated. 

Blind


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## swedish

Hi Blind,

I'm sorry to hear things are not going well for you. It's hard to even know what to say as you are in a bit of a catch 22. She seems to resent your efforts and you being there, yet I can fully understand why you do not want to leave. My only thought at this point in your relationship is to give her the space she needs and put your focus on your children. When I was feeling as your wife is now, I was thinking that since I felt I was doing it all for so many years on my own (taking care of the home and kids) that it wouldn't be a big change if my husband were out of the picture, in fact one less person to take care of (sounds heartless even as I type it now but how I felt nonetheless.) The only thing I can think of that would have made me think twice would be if I were to see him interact with the children and think about the impact on them if he were not there. My heart wasn't in it anymore and I couldn't force the way I felt, but the biggest struggle for me (as for you and I'm sure for your wife) is what divorce will do to the children. I can honestly say that even when I'm going through the worst of times, my children can always seem to put a smile on my face


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## blind

Well, it has been a few weeks since I have posted here, but I have been lurking on this forum from time to time. I just thought today that I would give a little update to anyone that might be interested.

Since I posted last the emotional roller coaster has continued. But, I've come along way emotionally and overall I'm getting stronger each week. My wife is a little less withdrawn and I feel like our time together is getting more comfortable. I realize and appreciate that this may not mean much in the long run. But, if her feelings for me are ever going to return we must again be comfortable together and become closer friends. 

The weekends have been the toughest for me because we often spend time with other couples and their children. I see how wonderful she is around our friends and how generous her friendship can be. It is difficult to see my wife treat them so terrifically and compare that to how she has been treating me. But, this too is improving. I'm still hypersensitive to her actions and that probably breeds hurt in my heart. I must continue to let the little things go an focus on the big picture. She hasn't left yet and despite her lack of loving feelings for me, we are doing better for the moment.

Last weekend she and I had some fun time together. I got to see her smile and laugh at something we did together. It felt very nice and had been a while since we shared something fun together. She still hasn't committed to anything in the way of trying to save the marriage but I hope she is reconsidering her previous plans. A month or so ago she let me know that she intended to separate this summer when our son is out of school. We haven't talked about that in a while, which is fine. I'm still hopeful she will give this more time.

So, my spirits are pretty good today and have been for the past week or so. I know there are many tough times ahead and that our relationship is still closer to divorce than making it work. I'm sticking to the plan and my changes are becoming easier to maintain. I've given her a little more space when I see she needs it. I still stuggle with the catch 22. I need her to understand that giving her space is not the same as me falling back into my old ways. When I give her space now it is because I feel she needs it but all the while I would rather be with her than apart. It is difficult to be an objective judge of myself, but I think I am becoming a pretty good husband. I just pray it is not too late for her to see this too and try and rekindle the love.

She still doesn't show me any affection or intimacy. From time to time I will still give her a hug or a kiss on the head. I tell her I love her and don't expect her to respond in kind. These things are tough also, but I want her to know that I will be here and that my feelings for her are still strong. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and that will be awkward. I'll have to prepare myself for it and hope for the best. Also, our son will be out of school soon as will my wife (she is a teacher). I'm very concerned that time could be getting short and we need to finish the school year on a high note. I must make that happen so that she can see more reason to stay and hopefully begin trying to rebuild all that is lost.

I suppose that is it for now. Thanks for reading and any further comment, advice, or thoughts are still very much appreciated.

Blind


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## Leahdorus

Blind, I've been on this site for a few weeks, posting about my own issues I'm dealing with, but yesterday I found your original post and read through it all. I feel our stories are similar in some ways and I was looking to see how things all turned out with your wife but wasn't able to find it yet.

Like your wife, I was feeling neglected and alone in my marriage. Tried to ask my husband for what I needed a few times. Sometimes he made changes but they never stuck for long. He is a good man, a good husband who loves me but was focused on his business and less on me and our son. Communication was a huge problem. So in that way, our stories are similar. 

I unfortunately took a different path and went outside the marriage to get the things I felt were missing. After a very short time with another man, my husband found out, and that's where the story sort of goes back to yours. I ended the affair immediately and within a month had ended all contact with TOM. I became very clear about what I wanted (in fact had wanted my husband all along - I never wanted to trade him in for another) and have focused on making myself a better person and doing things I should have been doing all along, like focus on my family, etc. 

Now, however, while I am focused on rebuilding a better marriage, my husband is essentially not interested. He is still so hurt he can't figure out what to do with that pain so he can make a decision on whether to stay and try, or divorce. No matter what I do or say, there is no change. We are now on a trial separation for a few weeks, and then we, I mean, HE, needs to decide what to do next. Our son starts school after Labor Day and that brings its own stress for him, so we are trying to minimize any stress for him. I suspect it will take a while longer for my husband to figure things out and choose which path to take. BTW, the affair was in Nov. 07, so it's been 9 months now of this.

I noticed you said that when you started focusing on yourself, being happier, less mopey and clingy, your wife responded better. I suspect I need to do the same, mostly to start to heal myself and prepare for the worst so I can continue to be strong for my son. How were you able to do that? I am finding it hard to be upbeat and act like I am okay with things. Maybe I just need more time? I don't want to "act" like things are ok in hopes of changing his behavior, because I don't want to be manipulative. I want to actually walk the talk and believe it. Any suggestions?

Also, how are things going with you and your wife now? Did you ever separate over the summer? I hope things are better for you now. 

thanks


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## blind

Leahdorus - Thanks for asking about how things are going in my home. We are still living in the same home. However, just a few days ago my wife and I had a long talk. It was calm and caring, but left little hope of saving the marriage. Some time in the next few weeks she and the kids will be moving out. Certainly not what I want or have hoped for. She is very unhappy and believes she can't go on living this way. We are both concerned for our son who is 6 (there is obviously concern for our 1 1/2 year old daughter too). I believe once we figure out how and what to tell him that she will leave with the children shortly thereafter. I'm holding together pretty well despite the fact that this breaks my heart. I've been expecting this for months and have probably dealt with some of the pain. There will be many rough times ahead to be sure, but if I can keep my current mindset and keep my childrens' interests a the top of my list of priorities, I'll make it through this a better man. My wife and I want to be friends again and I believe we may be starting to make some progress based on the cordial and caring way things are being handled. We both appreciate that divorces often get very ugly. For now we both want to do all we can to avoid those vile tendecies. So, that is an update on my situation.

You asked how I worked on myself. I won't lie, this is something I struggle with daily. I'm am becoming at peace with my regretful past. I don't like the husband I was, but I can't go back and make different, better decisions. When my eyes were finally opened, I made changes. I've stuck with those. I'm a better husband and person now. I find some solace in knowing I have done everything in my power to save my marriage. It doesn't look like I was successful, but atleast I don't have to live with the thought that there was something more I could have done. As I slowly progressed through this I found more strength and comfort. That just kind of happened. Other things that helped me were working out, losing some weight, and dressing my best. You should be careful with things like that. It can be a red flag and suggest an affair. So you'll probably need to let your husband know why you are doing these things if you aren't already. Also, read The Five Languages of Love if you haven't already. I've learned that confident people are attractive. Make wise and thoughtout decisions that you won't second guess. It breeds confidence. If you need it and can afford it get counseling for yourself. I also recommend marriage counseling if you are both willing to go, be honest, and work at it. My wife went to joint counseling only once and then refused to return. I still believe had we gone early on that we may have had a better chance. That decision was not mine to make and not going to counseling isn't my cross to bear. 

In my opinion being strong doesn't mean you have to be happy or act happy. I've been extremely unhappy since this all started last November. But I've gotten much stronger and have learned how to handle my emotions and use them to motivate me. For me being stronger meant being more grounded. I have become more stable and solid. I'm much less likely to break down to tears, get angry or say mean and hurtful things. I hope this occurs for you too. It will help you walk this dreadful path and will be a great benefit to your son. The more grounded I became the more comfortable I was. Smiles came a little more often and quickly. I haven't been "happy" for a year, but I have enjoyed getting closer to my children and I'm glad my eyes are open to the mistakes I made in my marriage. I may become involved in a relationship again some day. If so, I'll be a much better companion.

You will need to be patient. You said that HE needs to make up his mind after a few weeks of separation. I don't agree. You both need time to sort this out. Don't put deadlines on this. It is a life altering event and decisions of this sort shouldn't be made because of pressure to make up one's mind. I've not been cheated on, but I expect it hurts like hell. You know it was wrong and have made the necessary changes so I won't go into that any further. But, you can surely see that he'll need time to even start trusting you again. He'll also have trouble making the changes you need after the affair. Both of you have much work to do. Don't think of this fix happening in days, weeks, or even months (I know its already been 9 months for you). It'll move slow. It'll get easier. It'll get more comfortable and relaxed. If you both work at it there will be some fun, joy and good times during the repair process. Those little improvements will motivate you both. In my situation, I was the only one wanting to save the marriage. It just doesn't work that way. It will take you both. There will be times that you both falter. You'll both need to find the strength to forgive, the willingness to work on the marriage, and the stamina to see this through. He may not be able to work on the marriage right now. But if your patient, loving, trustworthy and supportive that may change. Time is your ally, not the enemy.

I hope something in all of that is helpful. My best to you. Fight for your marriage. Your family deserves your very best.

Blind


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## gold907

Blind, gosh I've only read your post today (all of it) and your story is just heart wrenching. I know you may not believe it now but God has his reasons for such things to happen & I know he will have greater things in store for you in your future because of the immense personal growth you have acquired through this ordeal. Stay strong and keep an open mind because you never know, after the separation, with her being truly alone taking care of the kids and not having you around, she may eventually have a change of heart. But the one thing I will say is don't press her and do allow her the space she needs, so that she can grow and find herself. With the continued interaction you will still have with your children and her own personal journey to find her self, be optimistic that she will open her eyes to see the changes in you. In the mean time just concentrate on doing what you can to make the best possible transition for your children.

My daughter was only 4 when I divorced and we hadnt lived together since she was 9 months old but she still had and continues to have a close relationship with him. So hopefully you will be able to continue your close relationship with your children. Many people have commended you on your genuine efforts, I would just like to support you to stay strong because you are a good/caring person and I firmly believe one day soon you will find your happiness because who could resist such a wonderful guy.

Take care of your self and the rest will come.


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## blind

I just linked to this thread for another member and realized I kind of left this hanging a bit. So, I thought I'd make an update for those who may stumble on to it from time to time.

We separated at the end of last October and the divorce was final at year's end. When it all finally happened I was fairly well prepared. The divorce was very smooth and everything was agreed upon amicably. I kept the house and helped her with a down payment on a smaller new home in the same town. I get the kids 2 nights each week and every other weekend. We continue to attend the same church so I get to see the kids every Sunday even when I don't have the kids. When it works out I also get the kids on extra days or for a few hours here and there. They've taken this pretty well and I'm so very proud of them both. I've said all along that my children are the true victims and I still firmly believe that.

I've also met someone and we've become pretty close. Our time together is refreshing. Its been a very long time since I have felt wanted. She and I are having a wonderful time together. Obviously this is a very young relationship, but for now, its comforting and I'm enjoying it.

Adjusting to single life has certainly been a challenge at times. However, I'm in good spirits from day to day. I miss my kids but also understand that our time together is of better quality than before. Still, not seeing them everyday is probably the biggest stuggle in my life right now. I'm learning to live with this and believe that they are too.

Its been a long tough road. I appreciate the road is longer and tougher for many. I've come to find both confidence and strength within myself. If there is any good that has come from this it is that I'm a better father and companion than I've ever been before. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I'll make a damn good husband for someone, someday.

I still lurk on this forum and believe it is a useful place to find support. I've made a very good friend through this forum and for that I'm thankful also (no its not the woman mentioned above - LOL). I've recently posted on a few threads where I thought I could lend a helping hand. Going through all of this has been the hardest thing I've ever experienced and I appreciate those who helped along the way. I still have some healing to do, and I appreciate that. But I truly feel the hardest times are behind me for now. Thanks again to all of you out there that took an interest in my story. I owe ya one!


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## themodman

Okay, forget everything these people are telling you. Your wife will never come back to you if you chase, beg, and feel sorry for yourself. Stop acting like a wuss and take charge like a man. Maybe you did drive her away because you didn't spend as much time with her as you should have but smothering her to get her back will not work. Sometimes people need to be apart in order to realize what they have lost. I suggest you leave her for one month... do not call her at all except when you have to pick up the kids. If she calls you, act like everything is great... keeping it short! Answer the question and get off the phone. Hit the gym. Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Go out with friends. Once some time passes, she will realize she may lose you. She will miss talking to you. She will miss having you around. When she does see you a month later, you will look better than you have for years. She may even see you with a hot looking women friend. She will fight to get you back!


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