# Custody fears



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Im going through a divorce, it's getting bad. My stbx and I tried to work things out but it didn't happen, I was in a bad place at this time and made the mistake of getting on a dating site. I know it was stupid of me, at the time I want thinking straight. I never went on any dates or even talked to anyone on there, I realized how stupid of me it was and I canceled it a couple of days later. Either way my stbx found out and now I'm concerned that she's going to use that so I can't get joint custody which we had agreed upon. I know I was in the wrong for doing it but what I'm asking I guess is will that affect my custody position at all??


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

garciajo738 said:


> Im going through a divorce, it's getting bad. My stbx and I tried to work things out but it didn't happen, I was in a bad place at this time and made the mistake of getting on a dating site. I know it was stupid of me, at the time I want thinking straight. I never went on any dates or even talked to anyone on there, I realized how stupid of me it was and I canceled it a couple of days later. Either way my stbx found out and now I'm concerned that she's going to use that so I can't get joint custody which we had agreed upon. I know I was in the wrong for doing it but what I'm asking I guess is will that affect my custody position at all??


She may be pissed off about it and that anger may drive her to fight the original agreement, but it's unlikely the courts would use that to give her full custody. You weren't dating someone on the sex offenders list or someone who is otherwise an unsafe person to be around kids.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

No one, including the judge, is going to care that you were on a dating site.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I can’t imagine why checking out a dating site would matter when there are no longer consequences for actually cheating.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

Thank you for your quick replies... This puts my mind at ease a bit. She won't listen to my reasoning and I understand why...I just hope she doesn't use the kids as punishment but I'm sure she'll try. Again thank you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did she find out that you are on a dating site? She's way out of line on this one.

Do you have any idea when the divorce will be final? 

I suggest that you not date until the divorce is final just because it only complicates things. But, as others have said, the court and judge won't care about you being on a dating site. You are getting a no-fault divorce, right?


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

garciajo738 said:


> Im going through a divorce, it's getting bad. My stbx and I tried to work things out but it didn't happen, I was in a bad place at this time and made the mistake of getting on a dating site. I know it was stupid of me, at the time I want thinking straight. I never went on any dates or even talked to anyone on there, I realized how stupid of me it was and I canceled it a couple of days later. Either way my stbx found out and now I'm concerned that she's going to use that so I can't get joint custody which we had agreed upon. I know I was in the wrong for doing it but what I'm asking I guess is will that affect my custody position at all??


Relax...dating while separated will have ZERO affect on your child custody. People do it all the time. Funny question would be how did your STBX find out unless she was on the site too.

The only thing dating while separated could affect is alimony. And that depends on the which state you live in. And even then, the chances of it mattering are nil.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

garciajo738 said:


> Im going through a divorce, it's getting bad. My stbx and I tried to work things out but it didn't happen, I was in a bad place at this time and made the mistake of getting on a dating site. I know it was stupid of me, at the time I want thinking straight. I never went on any dates or even talked to anyone on there, I realized how stupid of me it was and I canceled it a couple of days later. Either way my stbx found out and now I'm concerned that she's going to use that so I can't get joint custody which we had agreed upon. I know I was in the wrong for doing it but what I'm asking I guess is will that affect my custody position at all??


He can't use that against you. Both parents share custody today, at least in the US. Even if he had a full blown affair while you were married, it wouldn't stop him from getting his share of custody.


----------



## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

garciajo738 said:


> Im going through a divorce, it's getting bad. My stbx and I tried to work things out but it didn't happen, I was in a bad place at this time and made the mistake of getting on a dating site. I know it was stupid of me, at the time I want thinking straight. I never went on any dates or even talked to anyone on there, I realized how stupid of me it was and I canceled it a couple of days later. Either way my stbx found out and now I'm concerned that she's going to use that so I can't get joint custody which we had agreed upon. I know I was in the wrong for doing it but what I'm asking I guess is will that affect my custody position at all??


If you're a no fault state, it won't matter one lick. It's incredibly hard to give custody to one parent when the other clearly has exhibited psychological issues. Hell, many times, a spouse can have multiple affairs, etc. and still get full custody (the movie Liar Liar portrays such a scenario in a hilariously sad fashion). You should be fine custody wise for this.


----------



## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

garciajo738 said:


> Im going through a divorce, it's getting bad. My stbx and I tried to work things out but it didn't happen, I was in a bad place at this time and made the mistake of getting on a dating site. I know it was stupid of me, at the time I want thinking straight. I never went on any dates or even talked to anyone on there, I realized how stupid of me it was and I canceled it a couple of days later. Either way my stbx found out and now I'm concerned that she's going to use that so I can't get joint custody which we had agreed upon. I know I was in the wrong for doing it but what I'm asking I guess is will that affect my custody position at all??


no it will likely have no effect


----------



## hub49 (7 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Funny question would be how did your STBX find out unless she was on the site too.


If you like pina coladas 🎵...Sorry couldn't resist.

OP, I don't think you have much to worry about here


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> How did she find out that you are on a dating site? She's way out of line on this one.
> 
> Do you have any idea when the divorce will be final?
> 
> I suggest that you not date until the divorce is final just because it only complicates things. But, as others have said, the court and judge won't care about you being on a dating site. You are getting a no-fault divorce, right?


Yes it's a no fault divorce... She began to complain about monies, we pay our mutual bills at the end of the month and she began accusing me of spending on frivolous things to run down the acct. To which I replied that none of that is true and she wanted statements of my spending from sept. To Aug. I said that's fine, I'm not hiding or doing anything that wasn't for the kids or a necessity. A month had already passed by this time and I hadn't done anything wrong so I sent the statement not remembering about the site.
My court date is the 20th of this month, we're in the process of the temporary order now, but my lawyer says if we both play nice it should be finalized by Dec. Yea I don't plan to date...I just listened to some bad advice along with the mental state of 15yrs gone, I wasn't thinking at all. I know it was stupid and I did acknowledge the site and my error, it fell on deaf ears tho. I get it ... Nothing I can do about it now, I'm just relived to hear that it shouldn't hurt my custody.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are in the process of getting a divorce, then your finances should be separate by now. She has no right to ask to see your statements. Just pay our parts of the bills and that's it.

You asked earlier about using money to buy things for your new place. That should probably be part of the divorce settlement.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If you are in the process of getting a divorce, then your finances should be separate by now. She has no right to ask to see your statements. Just pay our parts of the bills and that's it.


it depends on how far along they are. If they haven’t done equitable distribution, then the lawyers will do discovery. And he will most likely be asked for all credit card, bank statements, etc. Lawyer love this part since me it’s a ton of paperwork, so a lot of billable hours for them.

But he shouldn’t give his STBX anything without the request coming from her lawyer.


----------



## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

OP: study this forum and you will be much stronger in future relationships. It's a hard time, I know. You lost some, but you will become stronger. Just keep doing the next right thing. 

Bachelor life was fun. Me and the kids had a great time, maybe even more fun than having to drag her along. 

Start having fun today dude. But watch out... there are a plethora of women out there that will be trying to snag you. Keep your clothes on and don't attach. Stay off the dating sites lest you end up hog tied again. Stay single as long as you can. And congratulations on your new found freedom.


----------



## garciajo738 (5 mo ago)

karmagoround said:


> OP: study this forum and you will be much stronger in future relationships. It's a hard time, I know. You lost some, but you will become stronger. Just keep doing the next right thing.
> 
> Bachelor life was fun. Me and the kids had a great time, maybe even more fun than having to drag her along.
> 
> Start having fun today dude. But watch out... there are a plethora of women out there that will be trying to snag you. Keep your clothes on and don't attach. Stay off the dating sites lest you end up hog tied again. Stay single as long as you can. And congratulations on your new found freedom.


Thanks, I plan to do that, it's just a bit overwhelming right now, I feel like I can't spend anything. We kept the status quo of putting our monies into our mutual acct for bills, mortgage, etc. So our monies are still together, we haven't reached the distribution of property yet.
We had an agreement for no alimony, we make roughly the same, joint custody with no child support and each paying half of medical, dental, and anything that had to do with the kids. We had also come to the agreement that my mother would be living with me until I go to days (I work 3rd shift) to be with them during the night. After this argument she sent a new temporary order stating I'd only get my kids every other weekend if Im still working this shift and that I'd have to pay 1000 in child support. I spoke to her about it and she says my mother isn't me being there. My lawyer told me not worry that we can argue this but I'm still worried.
We sent them our response which was our normal agreement but I don't think she'll go for it. I'm only suppose to be on nights until November and she knows this but she's trying to hurt me is how isee it. Either way I have seven days until I move out of our home, that's why I'm trying to buy beds for the kids at our new apt. I figured she'd be ok with that because it's for them... But I don't know... It can go either way, but I'm doing it regardless, my kids need a place to lay their heads down whether she likes it or not. I'm just not sure if I'm doing it the correct way or if it's going to cause problems later during the property distribution.


----------



## RunBec78 (Jul 7, 2021)

You are operating from a position of confusion and even more so fear. We have all been there, it is important you realize it. If something needs to be done for the kids, do it. It is your duty and right to take care of them the best you know how and as long as you do that you will not be in trouble legally. So what? You looked at a dating site, stop beating yourself up over it, and no it was not "stupid" or an "error" to check it out, it was inconsequential and not worth thinking about any more. 

You are operating from a defeated beta mindset and it is crucial that you stop listining to or taking any legal suggestions or ideas from your wife. You have an attorney it advocate for you and you, in partcular, better take advantage of it because you are clearly new to this and the other side WILL take advantage of your fear and desire to handle things amicably. It is always amicable, until it is not.

The other side is keeping you off balance with the threats and changes to agreements you think you had. The war starts long before the first shots are fired. You are in a war whether you like it or not. I beg you, assume that everything you are being told regarding assets and custody is a move to strenghthen her position somehow. Read, read, and read some more. Knowledge will give you the peace of mind to make decisions confidently. Emotions will destroy your ability to battle effectively. She is not the person you married, You do not 'know her", that is don't allow yourself to think you have any idea of what she is capable of doing or willing to say about you just because you two were once everything to eachother. A womans only concern is the now and future. Understand that when it comes to war, the love of your life, and the mother of your children will cut your throat and wear your face as a Halloween mask, to achieve victory. Continue to keep the kids in mind with every decision, think LONG term, and good luck.


----------

