# Husband fantasizes about other men



## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

And here I am 18 years ago thinking that my husband's gay fantasy would go away. And 18 years later, I still find he is posting in gay sites, photos of his penis, etc. He does this trying to keep it from me but has never done a good job of hiding it. This morning I see he has joined Adult Friendfinder and is looking for a man. I confronted him, and he once again says it is nothing but a fantasy, or an "outlet." I gave him my blessing to go find his "man" because I think he needs to, and he says I am the only one for him. I am in my 60's....he is a decade younger. (you would never guess this by looking at us) It seems to me that I am not too old for him, he is too YOUNG for me. WTF? I have never even looked at another man since I met my husband. He and I have had similar discussions about this before but this time I actually got sick to my stomach when I saw his profile on that website. I do NOT know what to do next.:banghead::banghead:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenging
My suggestion is that you think about how you would react if he was behaving this way about other women. Being bi gives him no more or less right to pursue other people.

If you wouldn't tolerate it with other women, then don't tolerate it now. If you would be OK with this sort of behavior toward other women, then this should be OK.

What is and isn't OK in your relationship is really up to you. Many people have different standards.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Ummm....I try to be as worldly wise as possible on here!!

Putting sexuality aside for a moment, wanting to have sex with someone other than your spouse would be considered as adultery.

If I, for example, said to my 50 year old wife; 'darling I love you but I want to find and have sex with a 25yr old woman because she is younger than you'....still adultery. Wanting to have sex with a 25 yr old man...still adultery.

I think every man has some 'bi-ness' in him...even if its just a curious look in the changing room to see what other men have. Your husband is clearly alot further up the scale than that though!

What is acceptable to you can only be decided by you. You might think that allowing him to masturbate over gay porn, or on line with a guy is OK but meeting for actual is not.

How is your sex life in general?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I really don't think that's the sort of thing that just goes away. I've never been sexually interested in guys but the same things that turned me on 18 years ago still do.


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

It's an addiction, clearly one that is affecting your marriage. He needs help and does not see it. I think a few ultimatums will do the job in getting him to see how serious he is but I cannot help you with specifics.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenging
> My suggestion is that you think about how you would react if he was behaving this way about other women. Being bi gives him no more or less right to pursue other people.
> 
> If you wouldn't tolerate it with other women, then don't tolerate it now. If you would be OK with this sort of behavior toward other women, then this should be OK.
> ...


:iagree:

Who cares whether it is a guy or girl. You have been together for over 18 yrs, he is joining websites behind your back looking to cheat. If he needs an outlet or to live out a fantasy and you are not ok with it, then honestly you guys should probably no longer be married. 

How can you give him your blessing to go find his man yet you are sick to your stomach over the whole situation :scratchhead:


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## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evenging
> My suggestion is that you think about how you would react if he was behaving this way about other women. Being bi gives him no more or less right to pursue other people.
> 
> If you wouldn't tolerate it with other women, then don't tolerate it now. If you would be OK with this sort of behavior toward other women, then this should be OK.
> ...


You are correct...I would not tolerate it with women....or another man.


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## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

askari said:


> Ummm....I try to be as worldly wise as possible on here!!
> 
> Putting sexuality aside for a moment, wanting to have sex with someone other than your spouse would be considered as adultery.
> 
> ...


Our sex life has always been amazing. We would have sex every single day. He has always said I am every man's dream. Well apparently not the case if he fantasizes about men. Perhaps before he met me he had a few encounters with men, but not admitting that to me. Our sex life has slowed somewhat because I am older, and again, a decade older than he is...but in my opinion we have a good sex life even now. But he says we don't have sex enough anymore.


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## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I really don't think that's the sort of thing that just goes away. I've never been sexually interested in guys but the same things that turned me on 18 years ago still do.


I do so agree. And I do think he has been "bi" since he was a young man.


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## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

Sunganani said:


> It's an addiction, clearly one that is affecting your marriage. He needs help and does not see it. I think a few ultimatums will do the job in getting him to see how serious he is but I cannot help you with specifics.


The reason I said "go find you guy" was to let him know that I am "done" and he can do what he wants. He keeps saying it is just a fantasy. I say, then go get your fantasy on. Now he is very meek and removed all of his stuff from that adult site. I also have to mention he is a completely porn addict which I knew when I married him. I am liberal and have always been...but it's getting OLD.


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## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Who cares whether it is a guy or girl. You have been together for over 18 yrs, he is joining websites behind your back looking to cheat. If he needs an outlet or to live out a fantasy and you are not ok with it, then honestly you guys should probably no longer be married.
> 
> How can you give him your blessing to go find his man yet you are sick to your stomach over the whole situation :scratchhead:


I guess I gave him my "ultimatum" to find his guy because I am tired of his fantasy. He seemed shocked that I would say that. He mentioned that it was because we don't have sex as often. I immediately held up the BS flag because he had a two guy addiction when we had sex every day and night. So that is NOT why. I think I am saying go find your fantasy because I am afraid I no longer care, but feel too old to start over.


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## mmmniple (Dec 16, 2012)

hello.
It is more common than we would confess found some kind atraction about other male (more when you get older),but usually it is because some kind of need he did not satisfed.
I think the best is you talk with him and maybe found some "alternatives".(you can penetrate him with a dildo,some "role playing"
ask what is he likes? the penis? the males?anal sex? exibitionism?
i belive the most important is the honesty .


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## catandmouse (Apr 23, 2015)

mmmniple said:


> hello.
> It is more common than we would confess found some kind atraction about other male (more when you get older),but usually it is because some kind of need he did not satisfed.
> I think the best is you talk with him and maybe found some "alternatives".(you can penetrate him with a dildo,some "role playing"
> ask what is he likes? the penis? the males?anal sex? exibitionism?
> i belive the most important is the honesty .


He likes all of the above....and I have considered a "strap on"...actually used one on him when we were younger. Truly I get absolutely nothing out of that act but did it for him. It was my suggestion as I knew how he was years ago. 

My biggest complaint now isn't what I know....it is that he was on an adult friend finder site looking for a guy. Then again, he has always had male "internet buddies.".

TRUTH BE TOLD: I AM MARRIED TO A FREAKING WHACKO.:scratchhead:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

catandmouse said:


> And here I am 18 years ago thinking that my husband's gay fantasy would go away. And 18 years later, I still find he is posting in gay sites, photos of his penis, etc. He does this trying to keep it from me but has never done a good job of hiding it. This morning I see he has joined Adult Friendfinder and is looking for a man. I confronted him, and he once again says it is nothing but a fantasy, or an "outlet." I gave him my blessing to go find his "man" because I think he needs to, and he says I am the only one for him. I am in my 60's....he is a decade younger. (you would never guess this by looking at us) It seems to me that I am not too old for him, he is too YOUNG for me. WTF? I have never even looked at another man since I met my husband. He and I have had similar discussions about this before but this time I actually got sick to my stomach when I saw his profile on that website. I do NOT know what to do next.:banghead::banghead:



Your hubby liked guys before you were married and likes them now 18 years of being married to you.

That means he likes guys.

He may of married you because back then he wasn't ready or comfortable to fully do the guys thing.

Now he is and on adult friend finder.

Your hubby likes men, probably always has and is now looking to hook up with guys.

That is adultery. He married you. He is pursuing his own selfish sexual desires over you and your 18 year marriage. Selfish guy.

If I created an adult friend finder account to hook up with other ladies, who want friends with many benefits.....Mrs.CuddleBug wouldn't be, lets talk about this.....Mrs.CuddleBug would leave or have my things packed and out of the door!!!

By you giving him the okay to pursue this desire of his, you have opened Pandora's box and probably ruined your marriage. This is one of those things you don't do when married.

I have fantasies of having sex with another woman or women. Do I go out, sign up at adult friend finder and do this? No. I married Mrs.CuddleBug and I'm not single. If Mrs.CuddleBug said go ahead and do this fantasy of mine, I probably would, have sex with another woman, ruin my marriage and we'd get divorced in the end.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Try this... tell him if he wants to have sex with a man so do you! 
You might be socked by his response. He might get very aroused and want you to go first. Males are designed by evolution to compete at the sperm level. A very good chance he will be more aroused at the thought of you having sex with a man then him having sex with a man. Have fun with it and make sure everybody plays safe!


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

catandmouse said:


> You are correct...I would not tolerate it with women....or another man.


I couldn't agree more. Either you are with me or not. If my husband one day would tell he want to be with somebody else then I would say go for it but the divorce is coming


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