# Considering divorce after 17 years



## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for just over 17 years and it seems like we have reached the end. We have no children which makes it a little easier. 

Over most of those 17 years my wife would constantly tell me she was going to leave me, after practically every argument we ever had. I couldn't ever understand how walking out was her solution every time. Several times she pack her stuff up and drive off in the car. Eventually she come how and no matter what, it was my fault. Over those years I'd always be the one telling her how I was sorry...even if it was just to get her to stop arguing. In 17 years, she told me she was sorry a total of 5 times..yes, just 5 times that's it. I kept count because its always my fault. I guess I was sorry the other several hundred times. 

Anyway, just a few months in to the marriage we already stopped having sex. We had sex one time before marriage but then she insisted we don't do it a second time and had to wait. After we married, I'd try to be intimate with her but she would try to find stuff other than sex to discuss while doing it, criticize how I was doing it, make frustrated sounds to convey she was not happy, etc while I was trying to be intimate..Talk about a turn off. All stuff that completely destroyed my ability and interest in having sex with her. This went on for years, I'd try to innate sex and she'd act like I was annoying her. Every time ..so eventually I just gave up and stopped trying.

So as time went by I realized the keeping her happy is something I'm just not able to do. I can not do anything right, and no matter what, "I'm not listening" or I "don't pay attention" when she tells me something. I've felt like an employee to her for years, and I just cant take it anymore. There is nothing left between us. She stopped saying I love you about 3 years ago. If I try to give her a kiss goodnight she turns her head or just outright says I don't want a kiss. For a while she claimed she wouldn't kiss me because I wont shave..meaning like 3-4 days I'd go without shaving. So I shaved every day and realized it was just her excuse, to keep from having to kiss me anymore.
She got a stressful new job a few months ago. Since she started it, nothing comes out of her mouth except a step by step account of what each person did all day at work and who pissed her off at work each and every day. I don't mind hearing about her work but ..for like 3 hours every day and that's the only thing? I ask her to go away...NO. Take a walk with me ..NO Do something with me..NO

Two days ago we had an argument when she blamed me for messing up the electric seat adjustment in her car...just anything to argue with me...stupid stuff. I told her that I just know she doesn't love me anymore and at this point really doesn't like me either. She only replied "Yea..well you created it..now live with it" I told her I'd be better off just leaving and she replies "do what you want"

I though some how for better of for worse is supposed to carry you through this stuff but I think that were at a point where I just need to leave. 

We had to move in with family last fall and because of huge medical bills I have (still tied up in court) lost our home to foreclosure. This was not really because of anything we necessary did wrong but because of a problem due to my employment and getting hurt 2 years ago. I don't want to get into that but the point is, if I leave I'll pretty much have no options right now. I'm looking at a year or two till all that legal stuff gets ironed out with my employer. In the meanwhile, I just cant take it anymore. 

I know if she told the story, it would just consist of how I did everything wrong for 17 years. It would all be my fault. I've completely given up on her accepting any responsibility for any part shes played in this mess. I asked her a while back if she would go to counseling with me and she say no..and hows shes not going to discuss her marriage with someone she doesn't know. So that's off the table. I'm not even going to try that route again. 

I ask myself if I love her but I have a very empty feeling. How do you love someone, who for all purposes seems to just want you to leave her alone and not annoy her? That pretty much of whats left.

Am I better off just leaving now..even if it means sleeping in my car or pitching a tent in the woods. I still can't work because of my injury and only a little (workers comp check)money comes into our joint bank account. Most that money she gives to the family members who are letting us live there, with them. 
The point is I just can live like this..soon not getting along could turn to hate and I don't want to see it get that bad between us.

Any thoughts?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You did do everything wrong for at least 15 of the 17 years.

I bet you can guess what you did wrong! ;-)

But no, sleeping in your car isn't the way to go. Seeing a lawyer is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought... You need to get your plan together. While I wouldn't want to be in the marriage you described, you need to have a place to go, and a plan on how to sustain yourself. So what are your options?

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and I think the ship to "hate" sailed long ago, and she's on indifference and "no respect"

C


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

I agree with the replies. Thanks so far for for those comments. I'm hoping you guys and gals can help me see this in a few different ways. 

We all know there are two sides to every story and then somewhere in between lies the actual truth. 

I realize that I'm not the easiest person to live with and I we all have our own issues but over time I concluded my wife is just one of those people that no matter what I do, she will never be satisfied. Meaning, my actions will never be good enough for her. I could do 20 things right all week and when there is just that 1 thing I did wrong, that's all that matters to her...what I did wrong. This was one of the big killers in our sex life. I felt like I had to constantly go so far out of my way to make her happy..which I cant, so she be angry all the time and not want to be intimately. I've even told her in the past that I feel like I have to be perfect for weeks just hoping shed be willing to have sex. Eventually , I said forget it. Its ridiculous when you try to put your arm around you wife and instead of liking it she says stuff like "get your arm off me..you just want something" as if she was doing me some sort of favor. Based on all that attitude I just hut down sexually towards her and intentionally decided not to try to have children with her. I figured I'm miserable, why would I want to bring children into this relationship.

But, after 17 years of faithfulness, I've given up on even trying to make anything work. I'm thinking I'd rather just live in a tent up, in the mountains than continue this way for the rest of my life. What really stinks is that my disability pension is still tied up in court. I'm afraid it will be another year till that's all worked out. Another year like this is just dreadful in my mind. 

This part is totally separate but I'll bring it up...
To ease my pain, I recently started talking to a woman who's 29 years old, she has no kids and never married. She doesn't have to work because she has money, from her wealth family and planning to start a business, so she is motivated and I'm believing not lazy. She's super nice and not that it matters but quite attractive too. I Just don't know if this is a good idea or just a rebound and just a way to leave my marriage. It doesn't bother me this woman is 29 and I'm 44 but she's pretty convinced I should leave my wife for her. She knows the story and said she's ok with it and says she want me if I am honestly willing to leave the wife for her. Part of me thinks this is the "right" (no real right thing here) thing to do and part of me would prefer to just separate from the wife and then steer far clear of a relationship. 

But I suppose I could stay with her if I wanted to..but again, I'm not sure if that's a great idea. 

The one thing I have been pondering if what if I could hit it off and have a great life with this woman. Should I go for it or just ride things out for another year or two and stay miserable. Of course if I did leave my wife for this woman, I couldn't let my wife know or she would accuse me of infidelity and make me out to be the bad guy, in this whole thing...send a lawyer to rake me over etc, instead of what I'd prefer to be a 50/50 split.

This really stinks..no matter what, I'm just not sure how to go.


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> You did do everything wrong for at least 15 of the 17 years.
> 
> I bet you can guess what you did wrong! ;-)
> 
> ...


Yea..I should have stayed single. The funny thing is her personality changed so rapidly as she planned our wedding. That's when I should have put the brakes on and walked away..before the wedding day itself. I tried to convince myself she would be normal after the wedding and stuff but I think "normal" was what started emerging in her personality. Ever hear of a show called bridezillas...yep..just like that. 

But one problem is that I can't even afford a lawyer right now. I'm living on such a tight budget because of the problems I discussed I would be able to afford one. I prefer just a separation for a year or so and eventually just do a no-lawyer 50/50 mutual split.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The truth may be that life with your wife sucks. But the real truth is that you entered into an emotional affair (and are therefore *not* a faithful husband) and it is the EA that has suddenly inspired this willingness to sleep in your car.

That changes everything. 

You are on the wrong forum if you are looking for help on bamboozling your wife under the guise of being miserable in your marriage. She has a stressful job and basically supports you. You want a 50/50 split of what?

Get into IC and drop your little girlfriend. Get honest with your wife and tell her what you have been doing. It might be a wake-up call to her. It might not. But she is your WIFE. 

This other girl isn't of high character talking to a married man. Is she going to support you, too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

Well actually, I don't have any feelings for this other woman at all at this point. I mean shes nice and everything but I have never so much as kissed her or even held her hand. She's made it clear she likes me but that's it. 

I'm not willing to get involved in a relationship while still married. In fact I'm pretty much thinking that leaving my wife for another woman is a terrible choice because that relationship would be in the "pretend honeymoon phase" anyway and not really what it actually is. I thought real hard about that right away. 

This I fully understand. So even though I mention a woman who I could start something with, its important to be clear that I'm not in love with her and not infatuated. I'm flattered she likes me and I simply think she could be someone I'd like to know better.

The honest truth is I'm more likely going to do the sleep in my car option, as opposed to play house with the other woman.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you are already in a relationship with the other woman . 

get honest with yourself. you're deep in the self justification for doing something wrong mode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

by the way does your wife know about this friendship ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

I guess "in a relationship" sounds strong to describe it but I'm seeking advice and not looking for anyone to tell me what I want to hear...so OK. I guess this is a relationship, any way I look at it.

Should I get the another person completely out of the equation to look at this the right way, with clarity based on nothing but my bad marriage itself? 

But, no my wife's never met her.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You know the answer to your question. No further contact of any sort. And you block her. 

And, you tell your wife to keep you honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

I waited a few weeks to reply here. Since 9-5-13, I have had no contact with the girl I had mentioned. I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship. 

At the same time I didn't mentioned it at all to my wife as previously suggested. Nothing ever happened between her and I and to bring it up wouldn't help anything. The only thing it would have accomplished would be the wife throwing me out and me living in a car. 

So now with several weeks without any outside influence...the wife still doesn't like me..my marriage is still lousy and I'm still considering divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So see an attorney and file for divorce.


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