# Is being busy a real reason?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

If a woman claims to want to go out on a date with you, but she is just so busy that it's tough to find the time, isn't that a sign they really don't want to go out?

I've got some single friends that have had that issue lately, and they don't know whether to pursue or let it go.

A friend was recently set up on a date and he said the woman seemed interested and gave him her number, but they just couldn't find the time because she was so busy. He said she even claimed to be slightly distracted during their date because she had to get home and take an on-line test concerning her job.

I'll save you the boredom, but there are several other incidents I could list. 

Is this just some kind of game? When someone starts the "busy" thing, isn't it time to let it pass, or is this where the guy is supposed to play a game and pursue with fiery interest? 

My philosophy is that in this day and time, everybody is busy. I don't know anyone who just sits around hoping the phone will ring so they will have something to do. We all have things to do. But I also believe that we make time to do what we "want" to do. Am I correct?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

If a woman is truly too busy it's because her priorities are elsewhere and not on finding a meaningful relationship...maybe for good reason... or she is not that into the man so she is not really present or willing to make an effort. Either way I would say move on....you are right in that we make time to do what we want to do no matter the circumstances...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"Too busy" means "Not that interested". 

I've been soooo busy before and totally found time for people whom interest me.


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

If someone wants to do something and they make it a priority, they find the time. Unless she has a traveling job where she's never back home, I doubt she's too busy. I'm sure she has time to eat meals every day. If there's time for a meal, there's time for even a quick date.

And yes it can be a game sometimes. Not always, but some people like to keep a lineup of backup dating options. If their primary interest fades away, then they move on to their backup list.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. If I'm "too busy"....I'm probably with someone else


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I would have to agree OP- I don't know anyone who's NOT busy (except my STBXH who refuses to work...but I digress). It's a pet peeve of mine when people brag about how busy they are.

A woman saying she's too busy to meet up could very well mean she's not interested and doesn't want to come out and say so. After a couple tries, my advice would be to put the ball in her court- tell her, "I'd like to take you out to such-and-such for dinner." (put forth a specific activity here, don't be vague or generic) If you'd like to go, here's my cell number - send me a text and let me know when you're available."

If I'm interested in the guy I'm going to text him at that point.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Its a good many years since I was last in the dating game, but I've heard the old 'busy' line before. Its usually a polite knock back, but it can be genuine.

The result was always the same though. Drop that one immediately, move on.

Even if it is genuine, if she is too busy now, when its supposed to be really exciting, do everything to impress etc, what's it going to be like a few weeks in when the novelty starts to wear off a bit?

Life these days does put a bit of pressure on people. Work life leaks into personal life, but if someone can't be bothered with you, simple, move on. If they are disappointed as a result, maybe they'll learn to prioritise a bit better next time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

"*Too Busy*/ *can't find the time*" without explanation = politically correct & accepted response for "*not interested*"...

If it was ME ....and I WAS genuinely busy/ things a little chaotic...I would go out of my way to assure him what I was doing /what's going on to = that busyness....and add that I look forward to getting together again & soon ......so he wouldn't be left hanging/ wondering... this would show "non game playing" authentic >> "*still interested*".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

southbound said:


> A friend was recently set up on a date and he said the woman seemed interested and gave him her number, but they just couldn't find the time because she was so busy. He said she even claimed to be slightly distracted during their date because she had to get home and take an on-line test concerning her job.


If it was one instance then it's not a big deal. For example there is a chance that she found out about the test after she made the date. She was legitimately concerned about the test.

But is she's always too busy, always distracted... then it's her telling him that she's not really interested but she does not have the nerve to just say it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If it was one instance then it's not a big deal. For example there is a chance that she found out about the test after she made the date. She was legitimately concerned about the test.
> 
> But is she's always too busy, always distracted... then it's her telling him that she's not really interested but she does not have the nerve to just say it.


Nobodies that busy to never have the time. Even president Obama finds the time to share with his wife and kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

If someone says they're "busy" or "too busy", why take it _personally_? Perhaps the person is just beginning to find his or her own 'bearings' after a bad break up, and really _is_ super busy, and just beginning to 'test' the 'dating waters' again. He or she may not be sure if (s)he can make _room_ for dating. 



> Is this just some kind of game? When someone starts the "busy" thing, isn't it time to let it pass, or is this where the guy is supposed to play a game and pursue with fiery interest?


If they say they're 'busy', I wouldn't pursue with 'fiery interest'. Take him/her at her WORD. After all, people are SUPPOSED to be honest with their words...right? 

I might wait a few weeks after the "I'm busy" line before calling again. If I got the same response the NEXT time, there wouldn't be a _third_ time. 

But I wouldn't be upset about it. I would simply figure that their life is hectic and they may not have much time as they thought for *dating*; not that they don't have much time for dating *ME*!

Vega


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Vega said:


> If someone says they're "busy" or "too busy", why take it _personally_? Perhaps the person is just beginning to find his or her own 'bearings' after a bad break up, and really _is_ super busy, and just beginning to 'test' the 'dating waters' again. He or she may not be sure if (s)he can make _room_ for dating.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't think I would take it personally. I want to make sure what i mean. I'm not saying they flat out say, "No, I absolutely cannot go out with you because I'm too busy, sorry."

What usually happens is they say they are interested and would like to go out, but "My parents are coming in this Saturday, and I have a project i have to get finished the next day..........blah, blah. They just never seem to have the time.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Bottom line is, either they make time for you or they don't. If they are too busy, it may be a fluke or it may be that they have a chaotic lifestyle, or...... whatever. 

I wouldn't take it personal, it's on them.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

If you suggest a date, and they are genuinely tied up but still interested, then they will make an alternative suggestion, telling you when they are available for one.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> If you suggest a date, and they are genuinely tied up but still interested, then *they will make an alternative suggestion, telling you when they are available for one*.


Or not. There are still a lot of men and women who don't believe that the woman is 'supposed' to 'pursue' or even suggest an alternative plan. 

Vega


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I will be honest and say I have done this. It's usually not intentional.

My experience with this- Usually it's when there are stressful things going on and I'm conflicted. And typically it's someone asking me out that I had no idea wanted to date me.
As an example I'm trying to file for divorce, had casual and super cute friend text me a few times. All of a sudden he asks me out.

Hello? I am getting out of abusive relationship, have no income, working 90 hours a week trying to start own business etc etc..

Somehow guy figures I'm cute and he doesn't care about all that baggage 

Which I so appreciate.. but at the same time things are so chaotic that I barely have motivation to blow dry my hair.

I guess after my little rant I would say that it depends on circumstance of meeting and that persons life.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I agree with simply amorous and wiseforit, if I were genuinely busy but interested I would make that clear and defiantly would suggest alternate dates to see the person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Vega said:


> Or not. *There are still a lot of men and women who don't believe that the woman is 'supposed' to 'pursue'* or even suggest an alternative plan.
> 
> Vega


I am one of those older fashioned minded women who doesn't feel a woman should pursue a man...meaning asking him out or going in for a 1st kiss or calling more than he calls (in the beginning) until something is established and that comfort is there > his welcoming it. 

*BUT* if HE was showing interest/ continuing to pursue on his end ....which calling up for a 2nd date is surely doing... then I would feel it was ON ME to make my intentions clear so he was not confused /left hanging ....I would NOT see this as a woman pursing or pushy .....just as good communication. How important it is! 

I looked this up... Ten Ways To Tell A Date She's Not Your Type-Online Dating 
(from a guy's perspective though)...I suppose could go either way!



> *Write her, it’s the easiest, cleanest way to handle the situation.*
> 
> Dear _________,
> 
> ...


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

@SimplyAmorous, sorry to disagree again, but the example excuses in that letter, and even the idea of the letter, are awful.

First of all, a letter is the ultimate cop-out. It says, "Sorry, I haven't got the guts to talk to you, I am sending this letter because I don't want to give you the opportunity to respond, in case you embarrass me or otherwise upset me".

Secondly, some of those lines. Lets do some translations.

1. I think I'll continue my search = I didn't really like you and I'm sure as hell not going to give you any more time. I don't even respect you enough to give you a reason and am happy to leave you wondering and thinking its all your fault.

2. I met another woman at the same... = I met another woman at the same time because I wasn't even willing to show you the common courtesy of giving you my full attention for even a short time, and she seemed better than you.

3. I just don't think we're a good fit = see 1 above

4. This really isn't the best time for me to start dating right now = (because you've already given them the time and now you're rejecting them) = See 1 above.

5. I prefer not to date someone who lives so far away = I was just using you for practice, I knew how far away you lived already, and there was never any chance of us becoming an item, but I'm out of practice and have lost my confidence, and I just needed to use someone to boost my confidence a bit and give me some practice at re-entering the dating game.

6. I met someone else = Fair enough I guess.

7. You're a great woman.... = So great in fact that I never want to see you again and I can't even be bothered to tell you why.

8. Fair enough, IF she is given chance to reply, which she isn't in a letter, so it translates as "I get to decide for you what you will think, so you're better off without me anyway".

9. I had a great time, maybe we'll run into each other down the road = Thank you for the one night stand / Thank you for letting me use you for practice. I don't respect you enough to tell you why I'm taking it no further. I'm happy to leave you wondering what you did wrong.

10. Again fair enough if done in person, so she has chance to respond. If done in a letter it means the same as 1 above.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Whatever the meaning behind being too busy, I would just say move on. If that person doesn't have time for you for dates, they won't have time for a relationship. Maybe keep the number and give her call in a couple months if your still single. See how she is doing. I dont think there is anyway of knowing a person's true intentions, but it wouldn't be wise to go into a relationship without some time to give to the other person.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ShyEnglishman said:


> @SimplyAmorous, sorry to disagree again, but the example excuses in that letter, and even the idea of the letter, are awful.


 Hey ShyEnglishman, I am getting the idea you enjoy countering me.....and you know what is funny ..... just cause I use an article on the net - not in any way , shape or form means I personally agree with the methods given.... of what others MAY DO... none the less...the point is - PEOPLE DO use those lines...

I'm really not the type to give  lines, I am a straight shooter and frankly if I was the date, I'd likely be a little too honest on why I wouldn't want another...someone ought to tie my mouth shut! In the past, I needed a little more "tact" even... Today I think I've gotten there...hopefully. 

I agree - COP outs ! I like it when people are *REAL*, when you can trust what they say, I believe anything can be said with Respect -it doesn't have to devalue the other person in any way.......I have no use for fake flattery...nor do I agree on leaving anyone "hanging"..

And I hate ...do you hear...HATE when others lie ...to save face, so they don't look bad. I have far more respect for the* Honest*..and *humble*....

But in the dating world, if you don't know someone, I can see not wanting to hurt them ...what is the point..but again, I personally would be against leaving them hanging with lines that have no truth to them. I'm with you there ! :smthumbup:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> "*Too Busy*/ *can't find the time*" without explanation = politically correct & accepted response for "*not interested*"...


I agree. but some people want it both ways..... I've been in a couple of situations in which I did the right thing, Istopped calling, I stopped issuing invitations and then I would hear from mutual friends, I must be mad at this person because they have not heard from me in a long time...... talk about game playing......


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Too busy = relationships aren't their top priority.

Or.

Too busy = not interested.

Either way the solution is the same move on to someone more available.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I agree. but some people want it both ways..... I've been in a couple of situations in which I did the right thing, Istopped calling, I stopped issuing invitations and then I would hear from mutual friends, I must be mad at this person because they have not heard from me in a long time...... talk about game playing......


Some of em will contort you into the pretzel position and have you jump throw a dozen hoops according to their schedule.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Hey ShyEnglishman, I am getting the idea you enjoy countering me.....and you know what is funny ..... just cause I use an article on the net - not in any way , shape or form means I personally agree with the methods given.... of what others MAY DO... none the less...the point is - PEOPLE DO use those lines...


Not at all. I respect your opinion. I may have misread your post that I replied to, in which case I'm sorry. I missed the point that you were not endorsing the letter idea or the dodgy excuses. That being the case, it is not you that I was countering, but the author of the bit you quoted, and even then, only to get the point across that while it might make life easy for the person doing the rejection, it is not nice at all for the rejected individual.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I just spoke with a female friend who recently used the "too busy" line on a guy who asked her out.

Me: Were you?
Her: No. I just didn't like his accent.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

It's not only in the dating world but the married with children world too. I've had married friends say they are too busy and I've done it myself with people I prefer not to be around with.

With people I do want to be with, I'll spend time figuring out how to get it to work. Recently, my younger child had a birthday party she wanted to go to but my older daughter had a sports competition she had to go to that overlapped a little. Normally, I'd just do the competition because I paid for the lessons so it's required, but I wanted my younger child to have fun with her friends too so we just showed up a little late.

Anyway, even if the girl was so busy, if she really liked him, she'd say, "I've got a job interview this afternoon but I'm free afterward...maybe we can do dinner or go see a movie this evening...or if you have time in the morning, we can have breakfast at this new place that just opened by my work."

My husband and I made no excuse to not see each other. We were both in college and both worked part-time so we were pretty busy but we still found time every day to be together. And, we are still like that now. After 12 years married, we're still finding time to be together every moment we have.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ShyEnglishman said:


> @SimplyAmorous, sorry to disagree again, but the example excuses in that letter, and even the idea of the letter, are awful.
> 
> First of all, a letter is the ultimate cop-out. It says, "Sorry, I haven't got the guts to talk to you, I am sending this letter because I don't want to give you the opportunity to respond, in case you embarrass me or otherwise upset me".
> 
> ...



I don't know how much you date, but I can tell you, I've dated a lot over the past 5 years.

I can tell you flatly, the old notion of 'breaking up in person' from a dating perspective is dead and buried. 

The most common and accepted way for dumping a date is via text. Trust me. I know.

There is a difference between pulling the plug on someone you have met once or twice, versus ending a relationship of several months or longer. 

Besides the belief that talking with or meeting the prospective dumpee is somehow honorable or noble, here is what I can tell you ... again, from experience. They don't care, and it doesn't change a thing. 'Reasons' don't matter. They change nothing and the person being broken up with isn't going to validate your reason regardless. It's a waste of your time, and theirs.

Your presence or voice doesn't change the outcome. You can't give them the answers they want. In my opinion, the more you look like a callous pr!ck, the quicker they will be able to convince themselves of same and move on.

"This isn't working for me. Wish you the best." That's it. If they call, or contact me after that, I ignore it. And for the record, if anyone dumps me, my only response is:
"Thanks for being honest. Wish you much success."

Dating is about me ... not them. It's about what I want. Do I want to be respectful of what they want? Sure. Sometimes thats why I end things. It isn't about meeting someone else's notion of fair or justified.

Being good at 'ending' or being broken up with is an equally important aspect of dating, as getting the date in the first place.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

They are not interested or THAT interested. I usually stop talking to the person right after, the "I'm busy" line gets spewed more than once. 

Thankfully I am married, so this is not an issue. However when I was dating I just flat out stopped talking to women who said "i'm too busy" or "i'm busy sorry!!" I see no need to pursue someone who chooses to not make time.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> If you suggest a date, and they are genuinely tied up but still interested, then they will make an alternative suggestion, telling you when they are available for one.


Ha, this is how I secured a first date with my husband! He called me up for a date on a night I couldn't go but I was really interested. I suggested the next night and BAM! We've been together for 31 years.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Vega said:


> Or not. There are still a lot of men and women who don't believe that the woman is 'supposed' to 'pursue' or even suggest an alternative plan.
> 
> Vega


Never been a problem for me. You're going to hear it in their answer regardless, like the difference between:

"Got plans already" vs.

"I'd love to, I was hoping you would ask me...etc."

Which lets you know their enthusiasm level. If you don't look at me as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity then I'm not interested. Way too many out there who do. 

If she's not thrilled about someone who thinks gutting a moose is a great time then I wouldn't be asking her out in the first place, so it's not to say I am much of a prize to any kind of city girl. You need to be asking out the right people.


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

Deejo said:


> I don't know how much you date, but I can tell you, I've dated a lot over the past 5 years.
> 
> I can tell you flatly, the old notion of 'breaking up in person' from a dating perspective is dead and buried.
> 
> The most common and accepted way for dumping a date is via text. Trust me. I know.


I hope that's not globally true. That's awful. Is there no common decency left? Next you'll be telling me that words and phrases like 'please' and 'thank you' are dead and buried, and nobody holds the door any more for the person behind them.

I was thinking of having my mid life crisis about now, but if what you say is the truth, then I embrace forthcoming old age and death, because it sounds like a right proper miserable world we're in nowadays.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

southbound said:


> If a woman claims to want to go out on a date with you, but she is just so busy that it's tough to find the time,* isn't that a sign they really don't want to go out?*


Yes.

A woman who is interested will FIND the time to NOT be busy so she can go out with you.

It works the same with men. If a man claims to be too busy and not setting up time to meet with a woman, it means He's Just Not That Into You.

Dating 101.

That'll be $20. Thank you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Vega said:


> Or not. There are still a lot of men and women who don't believe that the woman is 'supposed' to 'pursue' or even suggest an alternative plan.
> 
> Vega


Which brings us to a new topic question: 

*Do men like it if a woman initiates? A date/hanging out? If she introduces herself to him?
*

Let's discuss.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I hope that's not globally true. That's awful. Is there no common decency left? Next you'll be telling me that words and phrases like 'please' and 'thank you' are dead and buried, and *nobody holds the door any more for the person behind them*.
> 
> I was thinking of having my mid life crisis about now, but if what you say is the truth, then I embrace forthcoming old age and death, because it sounds like a right proper miserable world we're in nowadays.


Have you seen those doors that open on their own? Yep.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ShyEnglishman said:


> I hope that's not globally true. That's awful. Is there no common decency left? Next you'll be telling me that words and phrases like 'please' and 'thank you' are dead and buried, and nobody holds the door any more for the person behind them.
> 
> I was thinking of having my mid life crisis about now, but if what you say is the truth, then I embrace forthcoming old age and death, because it sounds like a right proper miserable world we're in nowadays.


I don't know. You tell me what is 'decent' about being rejected?

It makes people uncomfortable. And that is the reason behind "I'm busy ..." it means I really don't want to see you, and I hope you get the message without forcing the discomfort on me of saying so.

My girlfriend of six months came over to break up a few weeks ago. We hugged, kissed and said goodbye. It was a good ending.

If someone I've seen once or twice texts me that they don't think there is any chemistry (which we likely both already know anyway), I could care less. No harm, no foul. From my perspective, her requesting a date to be in my presence to tell me she no longer wants to be in my presence is a supreme waste of time.

Please, thank you, holding doors and smiling at strangers is a matter of displaying personal character, which is important to me regardless.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

southbound said:


> If a woman claims to want to go out on a date with you, but she is just so busy that it's tough to find the time, isn't that a sign they really don't want to go out?
> 
> I've got some single friends that have had that issue lately, and they don't know whether to pursue or let it go.
> 
> ...


In the dating world, it is safe to assume when someone states "they are too busy" they mean "I am too busy for you."

Same with the phone, making calls & answering them. Even the POTUS has time to make & take a phone call.


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