# Controlling or Selfish



## jdh1218 (Jul 23, 2013)

I'm a 65 year old male married to a 72 year old female. Were both in good health, physically and mentally. I grew up in the Midwest with fairly normal family values etc. She grew up in New York. It's the second marriage for both. I have a question (there's more issues but if this simple one can't be solved then the rest are beyond solution) about being controlling.
We stay up to 11:30 to watch the news then typically read for an hour or so. In the morning we normally get up around 9:30. Anyway we read the paper together, she does the crossword and sudoku (the numbers game). When were done with that we play 3 games of sudoku on line together against other users. Normally this takes around an hour all together. Her daughter invariably calls Mon thru Fri in this time period. She doesn't call on the weekend. My wife invariably answers the phone. Her daughter, who is 55, is unemployed, has four grown kids, is a true drama queen and hasn't had a job in the 17 years her mom and I have been together. Her main activity is updating her Facebook page and being in everyone's business. You're right, she's not my favorite person. 
Now, to me, this is a daily ritual of our life together, the time shared with the paper and sudoku. These calls from her daughter may last from 2 to 15 minutes. The conversation on my wife's end usually is a bunch of "Oh my Gods" followed by a bunch of "rights" depending on how daughter's little Kingdom is doing and what actions she contemplating . 
I believe that we should be able to read the morning paper and have our sudoku games without her daughter's daily phone calls. I have asked her to ask her daughter to call in a different time frame. Her response is "I can't ask my daughter not to call". This is followed by myself with "it's not "not call" its call at a different time. Followed by the wife doing nothing but answering the phone the next day when she calls. 
My wife thinks this is controlling. My question is am I controlling or is it reasonable to have your morning coffee, newspaper and time with your wife without having to share it with her daughter. I don't always think like the mainstream (high function Asberger's syndrome) so I'm looking for opinions and solutions. If I'm wrong in my belief let me know. Thanks ahead of time
John


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> is it reasonable to have your morning coffee, newspaper and time with your wife without having to share it with her daughter.


Have you put it in this context with your wife? I'm thinking she's not understanding why you feel the way you do. She can't see that YOU see her daughters calls during that time of day as an intrusion on what you consider intimate quality time.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Are you both retired? Do you have all day together? Honestly a two to fifteen minute phone call doesn't make my list of problems. The contempt you are displaying for her child is also troubling. Not wanting a schedule disrupted sounds a little OCD to me. If that's the only time you have together than I would understand.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Doesn't sound like anyone is too controlling or too selfish. Maybe talking to her daughter for a few minutes each morning is part of HER ritual. This is one of those things that you roll your eyes about. 

Pick your battles.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm with A Bit Much on This - I mean, *every* day Monday through to Friday? Really?

Sorry but that would piss me off no end. Yet of course you have to be careful and not go on the attack - express your feelings to demonstrate your time together is so precious in the mornings that you're finding it invasive given its daily frequency. Buttering up your wife in this way could avoid her consequently becoming defensive over her daughter - which could very easily happen depending on how you choose to broach the subject...the last thing you want to appear as is some jealous brat. Your wife's daughter will always be her baby and it would be unfair to make her feel uncomfortable about talking to her daughter on the phone. The question here is WHEN.

Perhaps you could back-off any obvious dislike of the daughter in order that your wife understands you'd feel this way about *anyone* ringing up every morning - ie, you just want this time together, it's not a personal attack on the daughter but anyone who thought it was ok to persistently be calling.

Tricky one - tread carefully, but I totally understand why you'd feel this way.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm wondering if this is because of the dislike of the daughter or because of the infringement on the quality time.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.


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## jdh1218 (Jul 23, 2013)

Well thanks for all your ideas. My wife and I are both retired. Are far as all the time in the day available, morning coffee and the newspaper comes only once a day. And yes that time is very important to me. My wife says she now understands that but in some Pavlov's dog type response says she can't help but answer the phone. Part of my issue with the morning call is that no matter what she and I are doing any time of the day, conversing, eating etc, the phone rings she answers. I just want a small segment of time where I feel safe, for lack of a better word. Where I feel more important in her life than the phone. 
As for her daughter and my contempt, I do have a lack of respect for those who do not try. It's one thing to try and then discover you can't versus just not try at all. I also have no love for those who idea of recreation is Xanax and alcohol.


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## jdh1218 (Jul 23, 2013)

Actually it would be that way if it were the Pope calling. The daughter does push my feelings higher though.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree that daily phone calls would get on my nerves. But you are both retired. You can have quality time with your wife all day, every day. If a 2-15 minute interruption of quality time in a 24-hour period is too much for you to handle, I think that IS pretty controlling.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

jdh1218 said:


> *I believe that we should be able to read the morning paper and have our sudoku games without her daughter's daily phone calls.*


Your frustration is rooted in your belief quoted above. *YOU* may have that belief. But *your wife *obviously doesn't share that belief. Neither your wife's belief or your belief is "right" or "wrong". They're just _different_ from one another. 

So, how is the problem solved? 

It depends on how _mature you _want to be about solving it. 

I can tell you that you DO tend to seem a bit more mature than some other men your age. I mean, you actually ASKED your wife to deal with her daughter instead of talking to her daughter yourself. Having written that, how mature do you want to be to solve your dilemma? 

You have several options. Some are mature; some not so mature and some would be downright controlling and antagonistic! Some of the more mature things you can do are: 

1. Anticipate the phone call. Accept that the daughter is going to call and don't try to change it. Busy yourself with something else while your wife is on the phone WITHOUT showing any negativity about it. Part of maturity is being able to handle interruptions and understanding that interruptions are a part of life. 

2. Ask your wife to ask the daughter if she could call FIRST THING in the morning. That would leave you and your wife 'free' for the rest of the day to have your coffee and play Sudoku together without interruption.

3. Join in the conversation! Tell your wife that you'd like to listen in on the other line or on the speaker phone. Kind of like, if you can't beat 'em, JOIN 'em! 

4. Talk to your wife about your feelings and try to negotiate a better outcome. This would mean letting go of a rigid belief that you MUST have THAT PARTICULAR TIME with your wife. 

5. Let it go. Anticipate the daily phone call as part of YOUR 'routine' along with your wife. Appreciate that your wife has already given you SOME of her time in the morning, and don't complain that she's not giving you MORE. 

If you can manage to do any of these suggestions, you would be well ahead of your peers. 

I'm a big believer that if *I* am the one who is upset, then *I* get to look at my own beliefs FIRST before I start blaming someone else for THEIR behavior. Am I being too rigid? Am I not being GRATEFUL for the time that she DOES share with me? What can *I* do to sooth myself? Do I need to change my own beliefs? 

Hope it helps...

Vega


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

unplug the phone the night before.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You are both retired, which means you have your wife by your side most of the time. I would guess that this ritual with her daughter came about before your retirement. 

In any case, though, it boils down to you're having a bit of a fit that looks to me like jealousy at someone else getting your wife's attention when you want it. Fair enough, because you see that time as your together time with your wife. 

I can also understand where she's overreacting but hearing a message that makes her think she'd be rejecting her daughter and telling her not to call - even though this isn't exactly what you're asking. 

I wonder what would happen if you suggested that if her daughter calls during your "couples" time each day, that she tell her daughter "I'll call you back when we're done." This would give your wife a way to save face with her daughter and please you, too. 

But there's something else striking me about this post. After 17 years together, you say you have other, more serious issues, yet you insist on that first couple hours with your wife being uninterrupted. It sounds like the two of you have some resentments boiling there, and that controlling behavior IS a part of it. Does she spend this time with you because she wants to or because YOU expect it?


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Chillymorn I love your style!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Part of my issue with the morning call is that no matter what she and I are doing any time of the day, conversing, eating etc, the phone rings she answers. *I just want a small segment of time where I feel safe*, for lack of a better word.* Where I feel more important in her life than the phone*.


So this is not just about the morning calls from the daughter...this is about her answering the phone interrupting time (presumably) together?

Something tells me she's been like this for years and you haven't liked it. She's compelled to answer to whomever calls, no matter what the two of you are doing. I understand you wanting your wife all to yourself, especially in retirement. While there isn't anything wrong with that, she alternatively feels needed by others and likes being reached out to. If she's not helping you feel like you're number 1 outside of phone calls or the needs of others, then you have a legitimate ax to grind here. Years of this can make a person very testy and super sensitive.

Keep talking to your wife. Be honest with her about you feeling like a low priority and how long you've been feeling this way. If all you ask is for that hour in the morning uninterrupted, I don't see it being a hardship for her to let the phone ring unanswered.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

I had to reread your post a few times and at first I thought you were controlling but the more I think about it, this period of time is important and "quality time" between you and your wife. There is no difference in her (daughter) calling interrupting this precious time and her physically stopping by the house uninvited to yap away the day.

Personally, I would address this with your wife in a loving, puppy dog eyes way and tell her that you really cherish and LOVE the time we have in the morning and when your loser daughter calls to interrupt, it takes time away when she can call afterward. 

Having said this, loser daughter more than likely won't care so its up to your wife to simply let it go to voicemail and call her daughter back when you are done with your time together. As both retired people, her daughter has 21 other hours to flap them gums. 3 hours dedicated to you without a phone on her ear won't kill her.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> So this is not just about the morning calls from the daughter...this is about her answering the phone interrupting time (presumably) together?
> 
> Something tells me she's been like this for years and you haven't liked it. She's compelled to answer to whomever calls, no matter what the two of you are doing. I understand you wanting your wife all to yourself, especially in retirement. While there isn't anything wrong with that, she alternatively feels needed by others and likes being reached out to. If she's not helping you feel like you're number 1 outside of phone calls or the needs of others, then you have a legitimate ax to grind here. Years of this can make a person very testy and super sensitive.
> 
> Keep talking to your wife. Be honest with her about you feeling like a low priority and how long you've been feeling this way. If all you ask is for that hour in the morning uninterrupted, I don't see it being a hardship for her to let the phone ring unanswered.


My ex would routinely ignore me to answer her phone on roadtrips and Facebook. She would also make me wait until she finished up a text while I waited to close her car door. Eventually I just had it so once I saw her nose in the phone and it was time to get out of the car, I would turn the car off, get our son and walk inside wherever we were going. There was no way in hell was going to wait for a text and/or facebook post.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Sanity said:


> My ex would routinely ignore me to answer her phone on roadtrips and Facebook. She would also make me wait until she finished up a text while I waited to close her car door. Eventually I just had it so once I saw her nose in the phone and it was time to get out of the car, I would turn the car off, get our son and walk inside wherever we were going. There was no way in hell was going to wait for a text and/or facebook post.


I get it. My own husband is selfish (if you want to call it that) about me and my attention. When we got married, my kids were 9 and 13. He loves them dearly but in the last 2 years or so has really ramped up the 'I have you all to myself' talk. I don't mind, it's true... the kids are doing their own thing, all moved out and such. Now he has my undivided attention when he wants it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh and because I KNOW he's sensitive about my time, I make sure to not let things interrupt us. FB, the tv and my cell phone aren't more important than whatever we're doing or talking about.


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## jdh1218 (Jul 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You are both retired, which means you have your wife by your side most of the time. I would guess that this ritual with her daughter came about before your retirement.
> 
> *****Actually prior to retirement my wife wasn't talking to her daughter. Previously her daughter had borrowed 70,000 from her mother to buy a home. Within 6 months her daughter had quit repaying the loan and wasn't in any kind of communication with her. I was the one who suggested to wife that wife should reestablish some dialog with daughter as after all it was her daughter.*****
> 
> ...


****We've only been married 7 of the 17 years. There's only two other main issues. The most prominent is associated with her sister buying a second home down the street from us. My wife and I live in SC. Her sister divorced about 5 years ago sold her marital home and about a year later moved in with a gentleman from NJ. About a year ago with Sis's CD's generating little interest my wife talked her into buying a home here as an investment, basically a second as she lived with the other man. My wife told me it was also because Sis's kids felt uncomfortable at the man's house. I don't think its unusual for children to feel uncomfortable at some other man's house where moms', who are always expected to be so overly virtuous to their children, is currently living. Wife ask me if I mind her sister buying a house down here. I replied fine just not in our subdivision. Needless to say Sis finds house down the street from us she like's and asks wife if I'd mind her buying it. I reply I really don't want her in walking distance because of potential for just popping in unannounced. Wife tells Sis I don't mind. Sis buys house. Not overly happy with this situation. Although Sis's house is nice the yard is not. I spend a large amount of time working on the landscaping of our house and it's one of the nicest in the development. Somehow wife thinks I should go fix Sis's overgrown home and proceeds to badger me until I do. Asked Wife why she thought I'd want to she answers "cause you enjoy gardening". Meanwhile she is well aware that I've turned down neighbors on both sides of us about maintaining their yards for a fee. Eventually I spend about 30 hours tearing out overgrown shrubs, trimming back a line of 8' shrubs with a chain saw because they're to big to trim with shears followed by planting new shrubs etc. This causing more resentment about the situation. Wife thinks I don't like her sister while truth is I'm still upset with Wife lying about whether I minded her sister buying the house. I view her sister as neither good nor bad, just a person who is my Wife's sister. 

Now in writing all this it gives one time to reflect. I can get over my Wife telling her Sister "I don't mind". Although when I asked her why she lied she said "I didn't want her to think you were a bad person" which later morphed into closer to the truth "she wouldn't have bought down the street if I hadn't". There's a lot of room for debate about how close people want in-laws living. I don't think my position made me bad or evil. The Sister, who used to be a three day visit every other year and 4 phone calls a year is now a couple of months a year and multiple calls a week. I can deal with that. However when Sis is here and I loose the morning closeness with Wife, it really pushes my buttons.

And yes it's my problem. When I look at it as to what I can do unilaterally, a word which shouldn't be in the same sentence with marriage, I can continue to drift away from my Wife as her responses have hurt me and people drift away from those that hurt them. Now in the evening I find myself reaching for a book to read while she watches TV. Prior to all this I used to watch TV always with her as it was something we did together even though I find books more interesting. Five days a week I'm reminded that the phone call is more important than our time together. I suppose when her sister comes I could take a vacation, I'm sure that will make her sis feel good. Anyway thanks for all the responses, the ones that agreed with me and maybe even more so for the one's who didn't. And as far as why this old control freak has so much time to type this, its because Wife and step-daughter are on vacation in New Orleans ay my suggestion, I'd already previously been there. God bless you all.****


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It seems more like you are very resentful that your wife does not take your feelings into account and really listen to your needs. I think that needs to be the discussion. She might be more receptive to this rather than just "I don't want you to answer the phone" which could come across as petty.


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