# Tattered & Torn



## pastieboy (Feb 7, 2012)

This is my first time on the forum so please excuse my lack of knowledge with the various acronyms used for the 'cheater' or 'cheated', I'll just stick with plain old English for now if thats OK ...

I've spent a week or so reading posts across the forum and getting an understanding of the breadth & depth of hurt there is regarding this subject. My story maybe quite insignificant compared to some, but in my world its all consuming and devastating. I would appreciate some feed-back and any references to previous posts that may help me bring some shape to undertsand what I feel & where I go next. 

Here goes..

I have been married for 18 years (2 teenage sons). I have always been faithful - and I'm pretty sure that until now so has my wife.

On New Years eve this year we were out celebrating at a local bar. My teenage son was at a different party. My phone died so I borrowed my wifes to check on him - about 00:30. I sent him a text, wasnt sure it had been sent so checked the sent items - yes you guessed it - 2 'undeleted' texts to a number not stored within the address book ! I read the texts, they were to an overseas third party expressing desire to be together, in each others arms and various other romantic terms - non-sexual - more intimacy. I think you call this my DDay ?

Since then I have ascertained (through constant interrogation) that they met 2 months previously on a chance 'chat up' at a local bar when my wife was out late with girlfriends, they talked for 2-3 hours, formed a 'bond', exchange numbers and kissed. My wife is adamant that this has never happened before in the last 18 years - this is a double-edged sword for me ... either shes lying or this guy made such an impact that me & my marriage was just wiped away - certainly a significant moment to my wife - this hurts me and makes me feel so worthless when I even type the words. He flew back to his homeland, then ensued a 2 month EA via text, phone & email.

Within 2 days of DD we had agreed to try to work through the situation - she emailed him to say its over - and claims no further communication has taken place (I kinda belive her).

The details of the EA seem trivial and insignificant compared to others on this forum, and in a way I feel a bit of a whimp - but I feel completely devastated that for the 2 months my wife has been living a double life, sharing personal thoughts & intimate connections with someone else (albeit not PA). She is remorseful and explains the EA as a romantic notion that would never have developed becuase of Geography - I dont think she can be sure on that one.

My emotions have lurched from anger, to vengeance, tears etc. I keep thinking back to the ureka momment when they 'connected'. And replay family events during the 2 months which now have different meanings - my mind is in constant turmoil. I have good days (we have been through the hysterical bonding phase) and extremely bad days when I dont think I could ever trust her again - despite all of her claims of remorse.

I'm really finding it hard to mend & move on. 
Am I exaggerating the situation ? a talk, a kiss & some email/phone ?

Any pointers would be gratefully received.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Sorry your here, read on TAM for a bit, read the newbies section, you will get all kinds of good advice, then make a plan for your situation. Your emotions are going to swing all over the place and rightfully so....the best advice you are going to hear is to NEVER CRY or BEG her,(its ok to cry but just dont to it in front of her) if you do nothing else please do that..its very hard to get strong, but you can and you will....
Read and Read and Read somemore, knowledge is power! this place is littered with all kinds of stories very close to yours, learn what works what dosent, what true R is and isnt, you have to decide if you want to try and save this marriage and why....only you can decide that for you.

Welcome to the place no one wants to be...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I can't imagine how you feel. The fact like you said that guy within a couple of hours wiped out you and your 18 year marriage is devastating to the say the least. I'd be incredibly worried however that a man can do this so easily and the fact she reciprocated those feelings makes you wonder how many times this happened before . Is she remorseful because you found out? true remorse would've been her admitting what she did prior to you finding those text messages. 

I can never trust a person like that again to be honest.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

An EA can be just as devastating, if sometimes not more, than a PA. So don't allow you or your wife to minimize the damage just because it was an EA.

What you are experiencing is the dreaded ER (emotional roller coaster) which has rocked your belief foundation down to the core. The trauma of infidelity is very similar to that of a soldier's PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) so you'd be wise to seek professional counseling with a therapist who has experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD, ASAP. Before you can heal your marriage you have to heal yourself for no matter what the outcome of the marriage turns out to be, you must go on with your life.

Now as far as your wife is concerned, you should convey to her that until further notice, the marriage is on probation and you cannot make any guarantees to her that you will not file for divorce. This will have two effects. The first one is that it will help you in not feeling pressure to continue in a marriage that you have serious doubts about. And second, it will keep your wife from feeling complacent that everything will be fine and it will be swept under the rug. She has to know that her actions from now on may be the deciding factor in your ultimate choice of whether to continue with the marriage or filing for divorce.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> Now as far as your wife is concerned, you should convey to her that until further notice, the marriage is on probation and you cannot make any guarantees to her that you will not file for divorce. This will have two effects. The first one is that it will help you in not feeling pressure to continue in a marriage that you have serious doubts about. And second, it will keep your wife from feeling complacent that everything will be fine and it will be swept under the rug. She has to know that her actions from now on may be the deciding factor in your ultimate choice of whether to continue with the marriage or filing for divorce.


:iagree:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you checked the phone records? Some cheaters keep lying to their death. You cannot take her for her words. It could have been more than a kiss. It could be the first time she was caught.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

a talk,a kiss,some email/phone?-unless you allow your wife to basically make herself available to date then you are no way exaggerating the situation.Saying anything physical wouldn't have happened because of geography is reaching.After all they were within spitting distance at least one time or she wouldn't have met him.

She brought a third person into your marriage and conspired to keep it quiet until she was caught out.How she can describe what she did as a "romantic notion" is beyond me.There's nothing romantic about cheating on your spouse and marriage and it ceased to become a notion when she acted on it.

I would have a hard time believing her as she may trickle truth you.If you forgive her,fine but I would personally be predisposed to digging a lot deeper into what really goes on when you're not around.You need to verify because you really shouldn't be taking her word at face value anymore.

Also,you do know that girls night out at bars often open the door to cheating?Chatting up members of the opposite sex is the general precursor to getting physical.If your wife is doing this on a regular basis chances are,with what you already know, there have been others to one degree or another.

I also think that you may believe this is not so serious because you allow your wife to minimize everything. You don't want to believe that someone you love and thought you knew could do this to you.Cheaters,when caught try to use that to their advantage.

Sorry you are here,but I hope you verify a lot more before you forgive because she may learn that there's no consequences for her actions if you don't.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No way are you exaggerating this situation. She cheated. You have been betrayed in the worst way possible. Keep reading, especially the newbies thread and take morituri's sage advice.

And yes, verify. She will need to be truly remorseful if your marriage has any hope. Don't rugsweep. Make no mistake, this is HUGE and you have a rough road ahead of you.

There is hope. You can read my story through the link in my signature, I guess we're one of the 'success' stories, although reconciliation is something we'll be doing all our lives. But I am happy today, living with my hubby, and he's also in a much better place


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

If you really want to know the truth. Judge her reaction when you bring up a polygraph. If she agrees do not ba k down from it as she could be hoping you don't go through with it. Get a voice activated recorder and put it where you think she spills the beans, car, bathroom, garage. If she thinks you know more than you do she will spill more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

skip76 said:


> If you really want to know the truth. Judge her reaction when you bring up a polygraph. If she agrees do not ba k down from it as she could be hoping you don't go through with it. Get a voice activated recorder and put it where you think she spills the beans, car, bathroom, garage. If she thinks you know more than you do she will spill more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Ask for polygraph, its the only way to detect her lies.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

We kissed is normally code for we had sex. Yes she is lying.

I am not far from my d-day and my WS said to me and sons when caught, he was just a friend and we only kissed. Kissed-in hotel rooms, kissed in the back of my SUV, kissed in a church parking lot. Funny how she kissed this guy and she had no clothes on.

Just warning you that it is more than likely worse than she is telling you.

Get all her accounts and passwords and look at them now before she can delete stuff. She if you can get the text from her phone. There are programs for this and some work and some don't depending on her phone and chip in her phone.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If se kissed that is a PA and it was more likely a make out kiss, not a peck.

Get that polygraph and find out the truth. If she's been texting him, has it included setting? Video sex?

Don't let her say sorry and rug sweep or minimize it with talk about him being far away. He was obviously at least one time close enough to be with her. How do you knw she didn't meet up with him in the days after before e left?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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