# Releasing the pain



## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

This past year I have failed at that. 

Around a year ago I finally cornered my wife and slowly got the confession, of course, the trickled one. I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot. We have kids. But I moved out. She begged and pleaded over the next five months for me to come back. Re-found religion. etc. I was too angry, too hurt. The hideousness of her crimes against us and myself I couldn't overcome. I still live in an apartment across town, and try to see the kids when I can. I've remained single to this day. She, not so much. After a while, she realized I was serious about divorce. I was hurting badly. Lost most of what I had. Unstable. Missed my kids. Missed our former life when I thought things were good. Camping, etc. Suddenly, she's sexually active again, like overnight. I'm dropped like a hot potato. I find out of other affairs she had in her previous marriage. I never knew. It's like after 12 years of marriage, I really don't know this woman. I really, really, really thought I did. She lied to me for 2 years, the last two years we were together, about her affair. Then after bawling her eyes out for half a year to get me back, does a 180 in the wrong direction. 

My question. *Why do her actions still gut me?* I know she's sexually active. I hate that. 
But, I hate her as well. She disgusts me within this new context. I could never trust her again. The mother of my children. 
But I have done nothing but flounder, lose my life, my job, almost self-destruct.
Dare I say I feel jealousy? The angry kind. And the loneliness robs me of any peace. She seems happy and carefree, I the opposite. Fair?

Is this all normal?*:|*


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sauvie Island said:


> Why do her actions still gut me?


Because you're a decent human being. That's what decent human beings do. They fall in love with people and trust them. Your wife never was one. My guess is she's not able to form real bonds with people--she can only do superficial sexual relationships. She'll never be capable of a real, committed relationship. 

Give it time and you will heal. You'll find a wonderful woman who has the same values as you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sauvie Island said:


> This past year I have failed at that.
> 
> Around a year ago I finally cornered my wife and slowly got the confession, of course, the trickled one. I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot. We have kids. But I moved out. She begged and pleaded over the next five months for me to come back. Re-found religion. etc. I was too angry, too hurt. The hideousness of her crimes against us and myself I couldn't overcome. I still live in an apartment across town, and try to see the kids when I can. I've remained single to this day. She, not so much. After a while, she realized I was serious about divorce. I was hurting badly. Lost most of what I had. Unstable. Missed my kids. Missed our former life when I thought things were good. Camping, etc. Suddenly, she's sexually active again, like overnight. I'm dropped like a hot potato. I find out of other affairs she had in her previous marriage. I never knew. It's like after 12 years of marriage, I really don't know this woman. I really, really, really thought I did. She lied to me for 2 years, the last two years we were together, about her affair. Then after bawling her eyes out for half a year to get me back, does a 180 in the wrong direction.
> 
> ...


Many go through divorce. Your X (I hope you divorced her) isn't worth much. Serial cheaters never stop cheating. 

Why would you let someone as low class as that destroy you?

She was a problem but now you are your problem. Why?


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Sorry you are here. Yes, it’s all pretty normal. Life sometimes isn’t fair but eventually we will all have to answer for our actions. You’d think with all her new found religion she’d be a little less provocative, but again it’s all another lie. 

You are hurt because she is the mother of your children and she pretty much moved on with the flip of the switch. The good news is you are not like that. I’m sorry this happened to you.

Stop thinking about her which is easier said then done. You concentrate on you. Focus on bettering you. Set a goal and try to reach it, better yet set multiple goals, do you run? Or life weight try to reach a certain 5k or dead lift goal. Set goals for your career, don’t have a job? Set a goal to find one. Have a job but aren’t doing well? Set a goal with a benchmark of improvement. You can only be you after all everyone else is taken.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There are things you can do to help you "get over' it. 

Get counseling
Find a divorce support group.... "Divorce Care" is one, google it.
Find a hobby you love, and do it
Better yourself, physically, mentally, financially and emotionally
Focus on strengthening the relationship with your kids....show them what a stable, strong father is 
Block her...you don't need to know what she is doing, or with whom 
Volunteer. It helps to feel useful, keeps you occupied so you don't think about the ex, and it feels good to help others. 
Get a mantra....mine was "Thank you, and F you". It worked for me. 
There was a voodoo doll site that was helpful for a while... 
Fantasizing about your future helps...and is healthy
Making plans....both short term and long term is supposed to be helpful 

All of this is for YOU to get yourself to a healthy place....for YOU. Take control of your life. Make it how you want it to be.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sauvie Island said:


> But I have done nothing but flounder, lose my life, my job, almost self-destruct.
> Dare I say I feel jealousy? The angry kind. And the loneliness robs me of any peace. She seems happy and carefree, I the opposite. Fair?
> 
> Is this all normal?*:|*


There's nothing about fair or justice.

You make your own fair, you give yourself your own justice.

You said enough was enough.

She cried and wanted you back and yet she had not changed. Most likely you would have gone back and she would still be cheating, so chalk that up as a win.

You are lonely, but at least you're dealing with the sh*t she laid at your door. She's carefree and happy? Maybe, but she's still a cheat and as long as you and the children are around there will always be a remainder of the exact person she is...she will never run from that.

Finalise the divorce. Do right by your kids, then go and live the best life you can.

Only you can do that, but like any right person you're dealing with your issues instead of passing them off to another partner.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sauvie Island said:


> This past year I have failed at that.
> 
> Around a year ago I finally cornered my wife and slowly got the confession, of course, the trickled one. I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot. We have kids. But I moved out. She begged and pleaded over the next five months for me to come back. Re-found religion. etc. I was too angry, too hurt. The hideousness of her crimes against us and myself I couldn't overcome. I still live in an apartment across town, and try to see the kids when I can. I've remained single to this day. She, not so much. After a while, she realized I was serious about divorce. I was hurting badly. Lost most of what I had. Unstable. Missed my kids. Missed our former life when I thought things were good. Camping, etc. Suddenly, she's sexually active again, like overnight. I'm dropped like a hot potato. I find out of other affairs she had in her previous marriage. I never knew. It's like after 12 years of marriage, I really don't know this woman. I really, really, really thought I did. She lied to me for 2 years, the last two years we were together, about her affair. Then after bawling her eyes out for half a year to get me back, does a 180 in the wrong direction.
> 
> ...


Because you have not accepted that she is NOT your path to happiness. You still see your relationship with her as your only way to feel good about your life again. That is a lie. Your wife adds no value to you life at all, only pain. Accept it. She is like a cancer, cut it out and live the rest of your live free. Trust us, there is happiness without this awful woman. How could there not be, who would really be happy with someone who treats others like she treated you. I see lots of guys make this mistake. This woman is NOT THE ONLY WOMAN. 

Like the other poster said, she lives in her own type of hell one where there is no loyalty or long term trust. In the end she is incapable of true love, that requires honesty and commitment. But she is also incapable of feeling it or knowing it's true worth. That leaves her very empty. 

Give up on the dream of her, see her for what she is. Let go and GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE! It's not over, just decided to accept that she is a trap but you STILL have the potential to find the real thing. There are tens of thousands of women out there lots of them you have the potential to have a really good marriage and family with. The dream is not dead.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You're hurt because you are bonded to her, biologically, mentally, emotionally.

Have you ever tried to split apart a piece of plywood. It's ugly. You will never again be that clean sanded veneer that was bonded together with her.

Your job is to start sanding yourself smooth, (i.e. working on yourself).

Dont let this or her define you.

You will still have a few pits and gouges from where she ripped you apart, but they will also be life experience. You can emerge a better man from the scars.

It's growth you came by honestly. Well deserved, fought for, accomplished, something to be proud of.

There are chemicals in your brain, and new connections you made in the nerve tissue that keeps insisting you belong together, no matter what your mind tries to say.

Your limbic system will rewire itself, it will just take some time, and some effort on your part to follow through and make healthy choices.

She is broken, probably for good. Did she get away with it?

With what? Feeding her broken needy psych? Yes she did. 

Does a herion addict, "get away with it" when they get their next fix? I suppose they do, but I pity them.

She hurt the most important people in her life, and does not know the extent of it at all. Are you not glad that it was not you that did that?

You refused to support her habit, and stopped being her dealer. Little wonder that when she needed another fix she fount another dealer.

You dont want that job. Dont keep score, make your life your own, and make it count.

I really wish you well.
Take care.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It hurts because you thought you knew her. You didn't. 
Counseling can help you figure out if there were signs you chose to ignore in the relationship, and if you did, then figure out why? It helps the pain and avoids a repeat in any future relationship.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry that you experienced this deception and emotional pain. She has a history of cheating and has become very very good at hiding her tracks including insincere remorse (all which takes advantage of trusting family). At this point it doesn't matter why or how she became damaged. None of this is your fault. Find someone to talk to (perhaps from church) to help vent as well as encourage you to move on. You can't control her ... but you can control your reaction to her behavior. 

Focus on the future and living your best life (for your sake and particularly to provide a strong role model for your children). Continue to check in with us. You are not alone.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dawg, she was banging other guys when she was living in the same house as you. What did you think she was going to do when you were out of the picture and she was unencumbered. Get real my man. Anticipate her real world reaction and not what you hope it would be.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

As I head towards the final day of our 'technical' marriage (she's been moved out for over a month) on Monday, I still feel the same. I think even when she realizes her soulmate will not leave his wife, she will move on to other guys and it still feels like a betrayal, at least that's the feeling I still have. I haven't moved past that yet emotionally, even though I have with action and my daily routine and the way I live my life externally. It still burns and hurts deep within when I think of her desires for the OM and I'm sure, eventually other men. All that I wanted from her and only her, she was so willing to give up to someone else. That hurts dude. I think in time it will subside, eventually when I move on with my own life, in terms of dating again. It's been 20 years!

I'm right there with you on the pain that still exists but in time, it will start to get better. It's only been 13 months for me. The discovery of what I thought was an Emotional affair, 13 months ago. Her telling me she was pretty much done 11.5 months ago, me finding out the extent of her love and affair for him 7 months ago, the Divorce process starting 6 months ago, her moving out a month ago and then Monday, the Divorce. So I take solace in that it's still pretty early in the process for me.

On another note, why the Hell did you leave your kids with her? I know it's easy to say after the fact and from an armchair quarterback perspective but that's why I never left the house. I tried to save the Marriage for 6 months but even more important than that, I just couldn't leave my kids, no matter the Hell was went through and it was Hell facing your biggest betrayer every single day as she carried on the affair (phone, email, during working hours). I was only able to get 50/50 Custody but was able to keep the house, which the kids loved and were accustomed to.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Join a gym and hire a trainer to teach you all the 'compound lifts'
Then do them as heavy as you can.

Channel all your anger towards this women into those weights and lift them. Conquer them.

In 1-2 months you will have found salvation in the weight room. 
In 3-6 months you will have added muscles to your body and starting to feel good about yourself. 

Lifting decreases depression. Increases bone density, attractiveness, and overall feel good vibes


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Because you're a normal, considerate person.

Hang in there!


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Our two young sons and even younger daughter are my purposes. One day when they're older, they will see her for who she is. And to think she would call me he 'soul-mate'.

The first couple of months following the separation, I re-found old hobbies. I went to counseling. I was put on anti-depressants. I avoided and ignored the woman like the plague, her non-stop tears, and texts. I was fueled by hurt and anger. I continually looked for the other guy. I wanted to hurt him bad. For over a year I KNEW something was up with this coworker of hers. She would make me so stupid for bringing it up though. She made me look like an idiot to her friends and co-workers, telling them I was unstable and emotionally abusive for my witchhunt. I backed off but became very perceptive and armed myself with info on how to catch cheaters. Her over-protection of her stupid phone was the smoking gun. I was done. Exhausted. Felt bi-polar. 
But I've seen my boys hurt and perplexed over the months. That kills. I've lost the zest for life, for love, it seems, and now just sit around when not at work. But you are right...it's all about FOCUS.

Infidelity can level even the strongest. 
For months now she has seemed so happy dressing like a hooker and pursuing other dudes. I doubt she ever really changed because who she is now I barely recognize. But of course I'm the one who rejected her, so this is what I get.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Sauvie Island said:


> Our two young sons and even younger daughter are my purposes. One day when they're older, they will see her for who she is. And to think she would call me he 'soul-mate'.
> 
> The first couple of months following the separation, I re-found old hobbies. I went to counseling. I was put on anti-depressants. I avoided and ignored the woman like the plague, her non-stop tears, and texts. I was fueled by hurt and anger. I continually looked for the other guy. I wanted to hurt him bad. For over a year I KNEW something was up with this coworker of hers. She would make me so stupid for bringing it up though. She made me look like an idiot to her friends and co-workers, telling them I was unstable and emotionally abusive for my witchhunt. I backed off but became very perceptive and armed myself with info on how to catch cheaters. Her over-protection of her stupid phone was the smoking gun. I was done. Exhausted. Felt bi-polar.
> But I've seen my boys hurt and perplexed over the months. That kills. I've lost the zest for life, for love, it seems, and now just sit around when not at work. But you are right...it's all about FOCUS.
> ...


You will be fine man, everything u are feeling is totally normal if you are in love w someone that betrayed you... It just takes time for us betrayed to expulse all our love for our cheating spouse's, we can't dump it instantly like their cold souls is able to.
Just look back and this and see it as a tragedy in your life, and you lost someone you love, it happens to many others and in different ways, but you will be ok

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

All she is doing is demonstrating her brokenness. 

She cant survive without male attention. 

That said, I think we have talked enough about her. It is time to focus on you.

What are your hobbies?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Have you filed for divorce?


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Yes, we are divorced as of a few weeks ago. 
I need to develop hobbies once again. Outlets. I devoted so much time to husband, provider, daddy that individuality became non-existent.
Also, I picked up an E-book a few days ago concerning breaking the cycle of depression in one's life. Mindfulness. Recognizing the thoughts etc that take you down.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Read the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine.

It is simple but life changing. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sauvie Island said:


> Our two young sons and even younger daughter are my purposes. One day when they're older, they will see her for who she is. And to think she would call me he 'soul-mate'.
> 
> The first couple of months following the separation, I re-found old hobbies. I went to counseling. I was put on anti-depressants. I avoided and ignored the woman like the plague, her non-stop tears, and texts. I was fueled by hurt and anger. I continually looked for the other guy. I wanted to hurt him bad. For over a year I KNEW something was up with this coworker of hers. She would make me so stupid for bringing it up though. She made me look like an idiot to her friends and co-workers, telling them I was unstable and emotionally abusive for my witchhunt. I backed off but became very perceptive and armed myself with info on how to catch cheaters. Her over-protection of her stupid phone was the smoking gun. I was done. Exhausted. Felt bi-polar.
> But I've seen my boys hurt and perplexed over the months. That kills. I've lost the zest for life, for love, it seems, and now just sit around when not at work. But you are right...it's all about FOCUS.
> ...


Remember that last statement of hers about ‘this is what you get’.

When you finally start seeing someone else, my prediction is your WW is going to get very upset, might even attempt to get you to try a R with her again.

Your response should be a simple repetition of her own words back if this happens:

“You wanted to go out and screw other men,,,,,this is what you get.”


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Yes, I get that. If I really wanted to stick it to her, I could go find an attractive woman, flaunt her around, take her to birthday parties...and I'm sure that day will come. I also know a new little honey in life would help me to forget about a lot of crap I've been dealing with. 
But that, for now, is not the best answer.

The answer for now lies somewhere in the murk of me learning to deal with these issues and becoming stronger through it all. Anything short of that is simply reactive, with her dictating my moves. 

So yes, Farside, that book looks intriguing and I will be grabbing a copy very soon. I'm glad to have stumbled upon this forum.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You got your heart broken my friend. You married a woman who misrepresented who she was. She is a promiscuous, immoral person... period. That is not a reflection on you or your qualities as a man. 

Look, you could have been David Beckam with a nine inch rod, a $5million a year salary, and a PhD in astrophysics and she still would have cheated on you. She's a cheater. It is what she is. 

Rejoice that you divorced her, and use the hard-earned wisdom you have gleaned from this experience to find a decent, kind and moral woman next time. Getting over heartbreak just takes a lot of time. You need to go full blackout on her. You should only speak with her where it involves the kids. Text her and do not talk to her in person unless it is absolutely necessary. If you had joint friends with her, get rid of them. Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her. Stop following her on social media. Block her on everything except texts.


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## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

There is a lot of great advice in this thread...mostly I want to add something from another perspective.

I think most betrayed spouses continue to blame themselves...and question themselves....and it is really important that you understand. Her affairs...her behavior...her choices....her flaws....have nothing to do with you. It truly is all about her. There is most likely nothing you could have done to change her choice. You don't understand this...because you have never been that selfish. A cheater is so self absorbed...that they cannot see beyond themselves. They are living in a fantasy that only includes a vision they have created in their own minds. Some...snap out of it...figure out how it happened...and try to become better people. and some...like your wife...continue to spiral further and further into themselves...using and destroying others who are in their path.

We only have control over one person...ourselves. You are taking the right steps toward healing...you are taking control of your own destiny. Good for you. You are still grieving for what should have been...what could have been...give yourself time...and in the meantime...become selfish...not in a bad way...in a positive way. Put your wants and needs first...do everything you can to be the best person, the best dad, the best son, the best neighbor. Concentrate on the things that are important. If you fill your mind and heart with positive thoughts...there will no longer be any room for thoughts of her....because the only positive thing about her...is the fact that she bore your children.

I am sorry you have had to deal with this..it isn't fair...but I believe you will be just fine without her.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> There is a lot of great advice in this thread...mostly I want to add something from another perspective.
> 
> I think most betrayed spouses continue to blame themselves...and question themselves....and it is really important that you understand. Her affairs...her behavior...her choices....her flaws....have nothing to do with you. It truly is all about her. There is most likely nothing you could have done to change her choice. You don't understand this...because you have never been that selfish. A cheater is so self absorbed...that they cannot see beyond themselves. They are living in a fantasy that only includes a vision they have created in their own minds. Some...snap out of it...figure out how it happened...and try to become better people. and some...like your wife...continue to spiral further and further into themselves...using and destroying others who are in their path.
> 
> ...


I needed this post, this morning the day after my Divorce. Even though she cheated (at least twice with same guy) 2009 and 2017-????, there could of been others, etc and was a despicable human being to be over the last year, after 18 years together. Even through all of that, I still question everyday of my life what I could have done better. The words that she echoed of what she needed, what she needed me to do, what she told me to do, still ring in my head. Everyone, including my counselor, lawyer, family, friends, EVERYONE, has told me this was not my fault, there's nothing I could have done to prevent her from doing this but it's just type of person I am. I still think about what ifs, what I could have done better. 

I walked out of the county building, pulled off my ring as it was now official and am as determined as ever to go out and show the world what I'm capable of, without saying a word, just going out and doing it but it's still damn cold, that someone I dedicated my life to, could sit there in the courtroom without remorse, without a care, just indifferent and smiling with the thought she is finally doing something for herself and after a lifetime of trying to find out what would actually make her happy, she thinks she is the right path toward it .....


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## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

She most likely will continue to self destruct....because if your divorcing her did not make her wake up..it will take a tragedy of another magnitude to make her see what she has done. We have all seen those people who get on a self destructive path and make the same bad choices over and over...and we sit back scratching our heads thinking...don't you see what you are doing?

The sad part is...she is the mother of your children so there will always be a part of you that cares...especially because you want your kids to have a decent and good mother...and as long as she remains the center of her own world...she is not being the best mother she can be.

Which is why you need to be the best you that you can possibly be. Someday...if and when she wakes up form her fantasy world...she will understand what she threw away...especially if you don't allow her to have any more dominion over you. If you stay positive...if you make the very best of the situation....it will show her that she is truly no longer relevant in your life. See...cheaters...are not only selfish...they think they are powerful. Take back your power and take charge of your life and no longer allow her to have any power over you. The best revenge...is becoming the best person we can be.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Well said, I couldn't agree more.

And sorry for all you are dealing with 'stillfightingforus'.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Are you even sure those are your children @Sauvie Island?


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

That's a very good question, and one I have thought of...as well as others close to me in my life. 
But short answer: It wouldn't matter. So I've passed on looking into that. 
Financially, concerning child support, it would. But they will forever be my kids regardless and loved as such.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sauvie Island said:


> Yes, I get that. If I really wanted to stick it to her, I could go find an attractive woman, flaunt her around, take her to birthday parties...and I'm sure that day will come. I also know a new little honey in life would help me to forget about a lot of crap I've been dealing with.
> But that, for now, is not the best answer.
> 
> The answer for now lies somewhere in the murk of me learning to deal with these issues and becoming stronger through it all. Anything short of that is simply reactive, with her dictating my moves.
> ...


Absolutely "deal with issues" but don't shut yourself off in a dark room under the guise of I can't date because I had my heart broken.

Absolutely don't fall into another long term relationship, but you're a man with feelings, so why not date casually and for fun?

You are divorced and maybe for a while it will seem a bit weird but by all means get social again and why not?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sauvie Island said:


> This past year I have failed at that.
> 
> Around a year ago I finally cornered my wife and slowly got the confession, of course, the trickled one. I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot. We have kids. But I moved out. She begged and pleaded over the next five months for me to come back. Re-found religion. etc. I was too angry, too hurt. The hideousness of her crimes against us and myself I couldn't overcome. I still live in an apartment across town, and try to see the kids when I can. I've remained single to this day. She, not so much. After a while, she realized I was serious about divorce. I was hurting badly. Lost most of what I had. Unstable. Missed my kids. Missed our former life when I thought things were good. Camping, etc. Suddenly, she's sexually active again, like overnight. I'm dropped like a hot potato. I find out of other affairs she had in her previous marriage. I never knew. It's like after 12 years of marriage, I really don't know this woman. I really, really, really thought I did. She lied to me for 2 years, the last two years we were together, about her affair. Then after bawling her eyes out for half a year to get me back, does a 180 in the wrong direction.
> 
> ...


*Your reactions, @Sauvie Island ~ are all perfectly normal! 

It's not you! It's the blatant and callous betrayal that was so unceremoniously and covertly heaped upon you!*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sauvie Island said:


> I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot.
> I'm dropped like a hot potato.
> She lied to me for 2 years
> Dare I say I feel jealousy? The angry kind.
> And the loneliness robs me of any peace.


If you suspected it? Then you aren't an "idiot"....
If you know she lied....Then you aren't an "idiot".....
Don't allow jealousy and anger and loneliness to keep you from life.
The best "revenge" is LIVING WELL.

Your wife is the "idiot"....she has ruined her own life with her lasciviousness and her sin.

Go find someone else, and enjoy. Forget about the skank.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

1. You are still staying loyal to her and cannot consider other partners because that would feel like cheating on the "her" you believed she was.

2. Did you not play the "Dating Game" in High School and learn the facts of life about girls, "good ones" and "bad ones", get your heart broken? If not, you never got the immunity that many got from such experiences. Kind of like getting innoculated.

3. You are trying to recover from a broken heart. If it is the first time, you need to understand that it takes years to get over. Meeting other people and having fun with them is a good "medicine". Get out and meet people, take dancing lessons, go to "Parents Without Partners", an organization that helps people like yourself with social functions. Dating need not be romantic. Have fun with people. Being a hermit and contemplating your navel is not going to get you out of your funk.

4. Not to take your cheating wife's part, but she begged and pleaded with you. You rejected her. Now stand by your decision like a man. What, you expected her to pine for you for the rest of her life? Well, you got what you wanted and now feel cheated again. You know its time to move on and need a kick in the pants. Motivation can come in many ways. Be open to it.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

@SuavieIsland,
You've gotten some really good feedback here, and I want to add a few things.

1) You are smart not to rush into another relationship right away. Your children need a parent who has both feet on solid ground. Their mother is acting like ho and setting a horrible example for them and also creating for them a life of instability. If she is currently seeing a lot of other men, I would press hard for custody of the children. You don't want them exposed to these other men, especially the little girl. What is your custody situation? 

2) Make your children your primary focus right now, along with work, of course. Your children should replace your wife as your purpose in life, but you should also make sure you are living a happy and healthy life because this will be as good for them as it is for you. In addition to spending as much time as you can raising your children (and not surrendering that role just to her), you should find constructive things to do that make you happy. (Do you have family around to help with the kids when you are at work?)

3) In the divorce did you split the assets evenly? Why is she in the house and you are in the apartment? It should be the reverse for the sake of the kids since you are the stable parent. 

4) Why don't you have split custody? In fact, if I were in your shoes, I'd attempt full physical custody based on her lifestyle. I was able to get full custody of mine when my wayward ex-wife was in a relationship with another man. That won't always be the case, but it's worth a try.

5) Once things have settled down, you can start dating again. But this is very important: be mindful of the kind of girls you date. Often people will date new people who fall into the same profile as the one who betrayed them. It is important to date women who have a strong moral character, otherwise, this will happen again.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn. 
I _THINK_ this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
Here's my issue:
My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.

Her telling of the past year is, 'I rejected her impassioned pleas to reconcile, which I did although not always easy, so she went looking for attention and love from others. But this was her only option because her TRUE love rejected her. She has always only ever wanted me, albeit, a 'me' that is more loving and attentive.'

Our three children are what kills me. I see them semi-often, sleep-overs w me, fun, etc. Always the highlight of my week.
I want nothing more than to save them, to be there like I used to be, with them. Almost to the point that I'm willing to agree to a second shot _with a woman I don't really feel anything for, much less trust_.
The kids would hurt greatly if I moved off and I wonder if that wouldn't weigh horribly on me, affecting my new life.

I wonder if their may be imbalances within myself or something...I'm embarrassed to even post this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

There's a lot of people in this world like you. It is like a cookie cutter. You let your emotions rule your life. It is like some sort of high that keep you mopping and on a continuos self pity.

You need to snap out that, and get stronger with the business of controlling your emotions. 

You would be a fool if you would to take her back. Get some self respect, and grow a pair.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Sauvie Island said:


> So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
> I _THINK_ this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
> Here's my issue:
> My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.
> ...


Of course, its your fault...you weren't giving her enough attention so her only option was jump in bed with other men and nuke a family. I think every guy that has ever been cheated on has been fed that. Being with a cheating wife and accepting the dishonorable life as a **** isn't the way to go. She will cheat again, she did it to you and others, it will keep happening. Nothing good there for you. You need to get your **** together, though. If you want to see your kids more, get a job, not several hours away and go get 50/50 custody. Stop putting your life on hold for some skank.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Sauvie Island said:


> So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
> I _THINK_ this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
> Here's my issue:
> My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.
> ...


Nope.....Just nope! Your kids are WAAAAY better off without 2 lousy parents living in the same roof. Be better than that. YOU need to live well, away from her. She is trying to throw the meat hooks into you because of your co-dependency. Don't fall for it. She is a serial cheater and probably a plethora of other psych. terms that could be used interchangeably. She will always view you as the stable bill payer and kid babysitter. Not a husband and trusted lover. Nope. She gets ego kibbles from others and uses her sex to get it. Always will.

Your kids need a father that can be a role model that stands up for himself and NOT take the crap from other lousy human beings. Be good, show compassion where it is warranted. But do NOT become the doormat for this travesty....


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm guessing that none of the guys she shacked up with, both during your marriage and during your separation, we're willing to commit to her. She saw that you were the best financial option, so you're a good back-up plan for her. You can do better. Continue with the divorce, and then you can decide whether you want to even date her or not.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Sauvie Island said:


> So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
> I _THINK_ this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
> Here's my issue:
> My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.
> ...


Take the new job and dont take her back. Your trying to guilt yourself with the kid angle. Trying to tough it out for kids sake rarely ends well and with her lines of silliness and blaming you yet doesn't bode well for a successful reconciliation. In a couple years you'll end up in the same boat.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

If I were in your shoes and I wanted my kids near then I would accept her proposal and take her and them with me to Portland. BUT, and this is the big but....I would NOT remarry her. You can try to live as a family without that marriage certificate. Don't put yourself in harms way by locking yourself to her again. If she cheats again you can easily walk away without all the hassle of divorce and lawyers. Just tell her it's not going to be like last time. She stays true or you have no blocks to keep you from walking away. If it works out then you and her can remarry at the christening of your first grandchild. There are always choices and options to most problems. I do wish you well.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

If you do this, then she agrees to a whole lot. She will agree to individual counselling. She will agree that her affairs broke you up. She will work like a dog to earn your love and trust. She will hand back everything she took in the divorce. She will sign a post up, if there is any infidelity from her end, she is out, and she gets a substantially smaller settlement. Write up rules, and research the hell out of your wants and needs to make this work. Tell her you do not love her. Tell her that it is up to her to make you fall in love again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Taxman said:


> If you do this, then she agrees to a whole lot. She will agree to individual counselling. She will agree that her affairs broke you up. She will work like a dog to earn your love and trust. She will hand back everything she took in the divorce. She will sign a post up, if there is any infidelity from her end, she is out, and she gets a substantially smaller settlement. Write up rules, and research the hell out of your wants and needs to make this work. Tell her you do not love her. Tell her that it is up to her to make you fall in love again.


Sir, do you not have any self respect, I mean at all? Do you have even the smallest about of respect for yourself? 

I mean, dude, are you some type of hideous ogre or something and you will never be able to find another woman.

You have already allowed you to destroy you, literally, once at least, and you want to go back for more. 

Are you on any meds at all for your depression, or your mania????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take the job, and get back to work. It will get your head right.
Then with a right frame of mind you can start looking for opportunities to get work back home with your kids.

Don't miss this chance to work on your self so you can be a great dad down the road.

So get out of dodge and make a schedule with your ex to have face time/skype with your kids until you can work your way back to them.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

honcho said:


> Take the new job and dont take her back. Your trying to guilt yourself with the kid angle. Trying to tough it out for kids sake rarely ends well and with her lines of silliness and blaming you yet doesn't bode well for a successful reconciliation. In a couple years you'll end up in the same boat.


Absolutly

OP the best way to care for your children is to be on solid ground in every way

Even if you for the time being are miles away (because the ground you are on now is very shakey to say the least).

When you are away from what is keeping you down and back to earning and regain your self respect.......Your children will see the Dad they are entitled to,and the man you are entitled to be.

Take this opportunity to rebuild your life and your childrens future.

55


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

It appears to me that you are angry because you wanted to hurt her and she seemingly thrived. You moved out to hurt her. You rejected her attempts to get together to hurt her. You rejected other relationships to show her that you were miserable and that it was all her fault. You lost your job, etc, to heap that on her shoulders. Think of that scene in a christmas story when ralphie imagines that he goes blind because his parents denied him a bb gun and in it, they are crying because it us all their fault. That is what I see.

The thing is, she got her freak on. She dated. She had sex. She had the kids. Your plan of self destruction to punish her did not work and you are mad. How dare she.

Now, this talk of getting together. Just no. No because you have not properly dealt with this mess. No for her because she is a serial cheater. She is a mess. No for your kids because putting them in this mess is cruel. 

I suggest getting a local job in your field or close enough to have good interaction. Maybe go to your old job and let them know it was due to a crapstorm that messed up your life. Get counseling. Get away, emotionally, from this woman. Go on a date. Not a relationship, just a bunch of dates where you don't compare them to her. Detach. Stay detached and live life better.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sauvie Island said:


> Here's my issue:
> My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.
> 
> I want nothing more than to save them, to be there like I used to be, with them. *Almost to the point that I'm willing to agree to a second shot with a woman I don't really feel anything for, much less trust.*


SI,

Not worth the risk... In a 6 months or a year, your WW will just find another excuse to cheat on you will be right back at square 1.

BTW, your opening comment about not really knowing a woman that you had been married to and raised children with for years on end is very common feeling on DD. Personally, 30 minutes post DD with my WW, I learned more about "secret side" than 30 years of marriage. Duped for decades. :surprise:


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

I agree with the consensus of taking the position and re-finding myself, getting my head screwed on straight because that would be the healthiest option for the kiddos.
I'm going to have to learn though how to combat her brainwashing of them into thinking "Dad's giving up on us and moving away", and other evil **** like that.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP, you combat that by being the best father to your kids that you can be. Leading by example and your love, they will understand that "mom is just talking about dad".
Just be there. Is doable, you will need to manage your time to be able to drive to see them and/or have as much as possible. Also you MUST ensure that legally you'll have your time with your kids, without her interference.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sauvie Island said:


> My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.


Heh heh....

Phhbbbbttttt.......ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! :rofl:


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Sauvie Island said:


> So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
> I _THINK_ this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
> Here's my issue:
> My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.
> ...


No, pursuing others while separated was not her only option. Her staying faithful to you would have been an authentic and somewhat convincing position representing the sincerity of her wishing to reconcile with you. Her need for attention is what probably got her into infidelity in the first place. Her whoring around simply confirmed it for you. You were pretty strong for a year. Don't go limp here. Keep it up.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Are there buried, archived threads anyone knows of that resemble this _fork in the road_? Of things gone wrong or right?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Sauvie Island said:


> Are there buried, archived threads anyone knows of that resemble this _fork in the road_? Of things gone wrong or right?


My Brother, you don't need any other thread, although I am sure that some can be suggested. 

Here is the deal, man, you have to get your head together, get on the proper med, get a proper doctor and get your life together. 

Move to the job. Look, this women is POSION, get it... bad news, a ho, a low life skank...

You have GOT to pull it together and get yourself mentally healthy so that you can be a good father at some point in your life. 

What good are you to your kid (s) like you are now? 

Now look, find your balls, look for your back bone and move on, get straight and come back when you are better...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sauvie: it is obvious that you are looking for an excuse, any excuse to go back with her on the pretense of the children. Man, if that's what you want just do it, take her back. Just be aware and knowing that eventually you will pay the price.


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

Listen,
If that were the case I would have done that 100 times over this past year. 
I'm simply looking for encouraging stories/testimonials of those who have blazed this trail, because sorry, can't find the 101 dummies manual.
It takes zero backbone/balls to be an online Ahole to someone who is simply seeking encouragement, so no respect is given. That should be reserved for Reddit.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Sauvie Island said:


> Listen,
> If that were the case I would have done that 100 times over this past year.
> I'm simply looking for encouraging stories/testimonials of those who have blazed this trail, because sorry, can't find the 101 dummies manual.
> It takes zero backbone/balls to be an online Ahole to someone who is simply seeking encouragement, so no respect is given. That should be reserved for Reddit.


What you fail to understand, and maybe you never will, is that we are encouraging you. 

We are encouraging you to get your S*** together. We are encouraging you to stay away from this women. 

We are encouraging you to grow the F*** up, get your mental state in tact, get your chronic, at the very least, depression under control. We are encouraging you to become a better and far stronger person. 

We are encouraging to be the man that we think you can be. 

Listen, there are some people in this world that continually make bad decisions. Why is that? What is wrong with them? Everyone, even on the internet, can see that you are actually thinking about getting back with our wife even after she has taken a giant crap on your head for years. She has betrayed you in the worst possible way, multiple times. 

While she was screwing all of the Other men that she was with she was laughing at you for being such a weak fool. 

We are encouraging you get move on with your life, so you can become a stronger person. 

Does that register with you???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Being the only real ahole her at TAM, the way I see it is your old lady is going to b*tch and complain no matter what you do.

Your kids are screwed either way. The way I figure is you take them with and they get to hear the both of you treat each other like shyt or you leave them behind and your old lady makes you out to be shytiest father of the year.

From were I'm sitting you are not going to get father of the year award any time soon, no matter if you take her of not.... so take your licks and regroup with your kids when your old lady has finished phucking them up. There is no reason you can't get back into their lives once you get your shyt together and use the new job as a stepping stone.


In short your kids are phucked….put the oxygen mask on, save your self, and then save your kids!

I think you can work out a decent gig in the couple of years and get back to your kids before your old lady really phucks them up. A couple of years ain't shyt any more you might have to fight a hell of a lot harder to get back in with your kids.

Say you bailed and came into the kids lives 10 yrs later...now that would be some phucked up shyt…….but you spend a year or two, hell even three that ain't nothing compared to the hell they/you will go through if you keep your old lady around.


That's my $0.02


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry bro...not the most encouraging reply but you are in a lose lose sitch and you gotta heal then work on being an emotionally healthy father.


For what it's worth ….me and my old lady had a toxic marriage and thought we had messed up the kids bad....but the both of us pulled it together and worked hard together to direct our kids to be great adults.


IDK if your old lady has it in her to let you heal and let you go find your own path for a few years and keep the kid involved with your healing...… I'm thinking if you work hard you to can take the job and enforce some kind of involvement with your kids.....it might take getting others involved....allies in your war in moving on and staying in touch with your kids.


Take the job and work on getting a support network that will squash any attempts to alienate your kids your old lady has. In fact you can start now by reinforcing the love you have for your kids now ...since I bet your old lady has been working on them since you guys split.

And that's another thing.....I bet your old lady has been messing with their head already. All the more reason to go take the job and then come back and fight with the new you and regain your place in your kids lives.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Sauvie Island said:


> Listen,
> If that were the case I would have done that 100 times over this past year.
> I'm simply looking for encouraging stories/testimonials of those who have blazed this trail, because sorry, can't find the 101 dummies manual.
> It takes zero backbone/balls to be an online Ahole to someone who is simply seeking encouragement, so no respect is given. That should be reserved for Reddit.


No but you will get served whole heapings of truth pie.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be with your kids.

Nothing wrong even with wanting to be with your wife, it's natural, she's your wife, a person you have history with.

But your wife screwed you over. She continues to screw you over. She screwed over your family.

So. Without being an internet hero I just pose a simple question. 

If a person screws you over and continue to screw you over what exact qualities do you want to go back to especially when she patently hasn't given a f*ck to even stop banging other men/man and show you she's committed to you.

What exactly do you want encouragement for? Reconciliation cannot work if only one person is on board.

She didn't respect you enough to stop having an affair, she didn't respect you enough to stop having sex with other men once you left. She has done nothing to commit to the marriage and show you she's safe. You go back to her after she knows you know she banged other men/man she will respect you even less because you don't respect yourself.

If there's no respect there cannot be R.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You guys are co-parents. And you won't be doing much parenting to your 3 kids from 3 hrs away.

I suggest you work things out with your XW so that you are able to take the new job and both of you move to the new city and live. Not together mind you, but at least in the same town. 

Promise your XW that you will try some dating first or something. Whatever it takes. When it isn't working (and it probably won't) then call it off and co-parent. But at least the kids will have both mom and dad around and available.

Moving away is only going to alienate you from your kids. And it won't be your XW that does that. You will have done it all on your own. That will suck for them and for you.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Not my life, but I would take the job and take her back. Establishes kids residency in Portland. Their center of gravity becomes rooted in your world. 

You co-habitate (not re-marry) ex-wife for six months to a year. Establish some of the strict ground rules suggested for reconciliation (i.e, she accepts blame for affair, open electronics etc.). She will fail and you separate for good at that point. But by then, kids will be in town with you and you have viable grounds for them to stay in place where you are long-term.

In this case, your reconciliation is a total mercenary move designed to salvage a viable relationship with your kids that would otherwise be lost.


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