# Hubby wants me to get a job



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

He wants me to get a job...I'm a SAHM right now, mutually agreed upon by hubby and me...And We've been trying to conceive again as of May, Mutually agreed upon as well.

But today, he tells me "You better get a job". He tells me he's spending double what he's taking in, so I should go to work.

The problem with this... This has happened before. Every day, day after day, (4 years now), he tells me "things are bad...really bad! And they're only getting worse!" The last time I checked his account, there was WAY MORE money in it than I thought he'd have in there, considering he was telling me it was "so bad". And he's always landed on his feet before.

I told him that unless I was to get a really good paying job, then daycare would eat up all I earn! 

So he told me that since I spend "so much time" on the computer (what LITLLE time I have to myself in the evening), I should be taking courses. 

Now, I only get $229 a month from the goverment every month. I asked him if he really thought it was a good idea to go THOUSANDS of dollars into debt right now, just to take courses, when there may not be a job at the end of it? (Because of the recession. I heard that EVERYONE is now taking courses, to the extent that the system is GLUTTED. So when these students graduate, there won't be jobs for them all).

I'm just frustrated. I was hoping things would be "OK" until my daughter went to school, then I'd go looking for work. I had my heart SET on bringing her up the way I wanted (I've been so diligent at it).

Unless I took courses, I'd either have to: have a "rinky-dink" job which makes nothing... Or work my way back up to asst. manager or manager at retail sales again, which would mean full-time, and that would be heart-breaking to me (re: raising my daughter).

I don't know. I was possibly going to check out the price of daycare with my neighbor who runs one.

(The other issue: If I go to work, he will NOT respond in kind with watching our daughter for any length of time, nor will he start going grocery shoping, or cooking or cleaning, and I believe he will complain if my work makes me be away in the evenings when he is home).

PLEASE don't tell me to just "Buck Up" and get a job! If your answer is negative towards me, then please be kind and CONSTRUCTIVE.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sorry, I just think you are looking for an excuse to not get a job. There are plenty of jobs out there that pay well without a degree. Ontario is a big City, i am sure you can find something that is half way decent, who knows maybe you will like it.

If I were you I would actively look for a job, just don't accept any job, but one you would enjoy. Maybe at a daycare facility? A helper at a school? 

what do you like to do?

Your husband is feeling financial stress, even by you entertaining the idea of looking for a job would help him out (mentally) but you're giving him excuses of why you do not want to work will only get him more upset.

Just say you will look, and do look, but find a job you would enjoy and have fun doing, if one does come across.

My wife works, we have three kids, she makes more money then I do. I am very proud of her and I know she enjoys her career. Plus our kids are not missing anything, if anything they are spoiled rotten.

It's you, you're afraid to joint he workforce, which is common for SAHM, at least look around it will go a long way for your marriage, by not looking could make matters worse. If your husband is stressing on financial issues, he is basically telling you, he needs your help, right now you are not helping your husband, when he needs it.


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

There are a lot of opportunities to make money online. What if you worked at home from the computer to make money? That way you could still stay home. 

Look into affiliate programs like what amazon has, they even have an "astore" that you can set up for free, sell their products from it and make money that way. If you can write, check out places like Associated Content, or iFreeLance. Associated Content doesn't pay a lot per article, but the more articles you write, the more you get paid and there are also residual opportunities.

If you are able to do that, then maybe your husband would be happy that you are making money and you could still be happy with staying home!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm confused. You say your H has way more money in the bank than you thought, and you are capable of working, you both had just agreed that you would be a SAHM. So, what I am confused about is WHY is the government giving you money every month? 

You can apply for student loans for college, and most courses are now offered online, enabling you to still be home for your kids and still get an education. There is NO guarantee that you will not be forced to join the workforce at some point in the future, and some type of skill would make you MUCH more likely to be able to provide for your family in the event that your H cannot.There are ALWAYS going to be too few jobs and too many candidates. That is where education comes in. Not only does it open you up to a world of better paying, cushier jobs, but the degree gives you a competitive edge over those who do not have a degree. Even an Associates degree increases your earning potential as compared to just a HS diploma.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

My wife is a SAHM, we have very little in the bank. Sure life may be a little more stressful financially from time to time but you make adjustments and if you can do it I am a advocate for it. 

I agree that if you get a job the majority of what you make will be spent back in paying someone else to raise your child. Why put them and yourself through it. Our youngest child is 3 right now and I hope that one day my wife can enter the work force again but not until he is in full time school. That means at least another 3 years or so. 

The only other alternative for us would be for her to work a second shift job. I wouldn't see her as often and I don't really like that idea. I am not trying to "keep her down" or make sure she can't have her "own money". 

Ultimately I feel proud that I am able to provide well enough for us to have the things we need. We don't always have what we want but I think in the future our kids will benefit from it.

One thing that my wife has started doing recently is watching another child. It doesn't bring in a ton of money but sometimes the extra $120 a month really helps out. She does this part time on thursdays and fridays. It really helps our kids out as well as they get more interaction. Maybe this is something you can look into.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If you two agreed that youd be a SAHM then I think you ought to do that. i think kids should only go to daycares if its absolutely necessary. But it sounds like you could be a little more involved in the finances. sounds like he feels you're not doing much at home so you might as well go to work. not saying that's true, of course, but it sounds like that's how he feels.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

The government is NOT giving ME money...It's for the baby.
Yes, according to him I don't do "anything much". But he also believes his work is harder than everyone else out there in almost the entire world. [He says anyone in the business world/non-physical labor has an EASY LIFE] (And he's comparing me to his mom, old-country farming wife, who got up to milk cows at dawn).

To the one poster above...NO, I am not AFRAID to go out in the workforce. I used to work before my daughter arrived. I even used to work 3 jobs at once.

And yes, it may be true that I'd prefer not to get a job out-of-home, because I think I have the best job in the world! Moulding and shaping a little HUMAN BEING. But it does not by any means mean I'm lazy, if that's what anyone inferred. 
My own nephew resents his mother for being a SAHM, but she has bad health problems, yet still manages to have an IMMACULATE house, well-behaved grown kids, and looks after her grandkids!
I myself have health problems, so I have to worry about finding a job I can do, and not get fired from from being ill (missing time at work).
Not to say any of you think SAHM moms are lazy, but I know a lot of people do think SAHM's have the "easy life'. It's simply not true.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I never asked about his finances when we were first married, because he has trust issues. But he also doesn't think I "comprehend real life", (VERY WRONG) so doesn't much offer to show me the bills, etc. On the few occasions I have seen the bills, I have actually been the one to help HIM clear out the confusion!
I actually WANT to be involved, and have asked him about it, in case anything should happen to him. He won't tell me any details of anything important. He said if anything should happen to him, contact a lawyer to straighten the finances and bills and such out! :0


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow. it sounds like he has a pretty condescending attitude towards you (maybe everyone). My H gets that way towards me sometimes. I have to remind him that i was working in the 'real' world long before he was. Ticks me off sometimes. its hard to want to be accommodating towards someone with that kind of attitude.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> I'm confused. You say your H has way more money in the bank than you thought, and you are capable of working, you both had just agreed that you would be a SAHM. So, what I am confused about is WHY is the government giving you money every month?
> 
> You can apply for student loans for college, and most courses are now offered online, enabling you to still be home for your kids and still get an education. There is NO guarantee that you will not be forced to join the workforce at some point in the future, and some type of skill would make you MUCH more likely to be able to provide for your family in the event that your H cannot.There are ALWAYS going to be too few jobs and too many candidates. That is where education comes in. Not only does it open you up to a world of better paying, cushier jobs, but the degree gives you a competitive edge over those who do not have a degree. Even an Associates degree increases your earning potential as compared to just a HS diploma.


I don't understand why you've made a choice to actively try to conceive if there isn't enough money to care for the first child. I'd say if you are trying to conceive again, but the government is already helping to support the first child, then yeah, you should get a job. Ordinarily I'm an advocate for SAH parenting if it's at all possible, even if it means making sacrifices. However.. if you've decided to have another child, but can't afford the one you already have, then the only logical next step is to increase your monthly income somehow.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I had a goal of being a SAHM ever since I knew where babies came from. Hubby married me knowing I had a huge savings. We have two kids, 3 years apart so I have been working parttime with my parents babysitting for free, for the last 8 years. I was only a true SAHM mom for 2 years due to layoff. During that whole 8 years of being a mother, I pay more than half of the mortage and expenses. I also did 100% of the cleaning, and about 90% of the childcare when he was at home from work. And to make my story even worse is I currently work nightshift weekends and get inadadequate sleep, and Hubby still won't support me and our two sons. I pushed to sell the house and get a huge chuck of my down payment back, but Hubby refused and wants to borrow against our home equity to pay for his daughter's tuition and room and board, while her home is one block from campus. So, only when I reserached divorce and realize I can get full custody of the kids and more than what I currently make working 40%, then Hubby agreed to pay an equal proportion of the expenses (his 70%, mine 30%) But he still didapprove of me being a mother to the kids, he rather put the kids in daycare and summer camps. One of our sons is special needs, so I refuse to do that to our son, just so his daughter can be a socialite on campus.

In summary, if your Hubby agreed to you being a stay at home home, then he either has to work a second job, or you can work an off shift while he watches the baby. Or make drastic cuts in your living (sell the house, or rent half the living space, live with your parents in the basement, etc.) It is unrealistic for you to be the only one to sacrifice, because he broke his promise.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

My question to the above poster is did her husband really break his promise, or perhaps has almost everyone's financial situation turned for the worse recently? 

In my case, I make decent money, but with the changes to the economy, we have absolutely no actual savings towards retirement. My wife is a SAHM, and I was/am fine with that. However, our youngest is almost 5. My request, which has been repeatedly ignored, is that she simply begin schooling online to renew her credential so she can return to her field of teaching in some capacity in the not to distant future after are child starts school.

She tells me this is simply "too much" for her to do. Well, friggin working 12+ shifts in a clinic treating patients is 
"too much" for me too, but I do it anyway because I'm a friggin adult. Consider, a compromise, and definitely "wait" on any additional kids if your spouse is already "feeling financial pressure." 

Also, just "having money your checking account" in no way prepares you for what life can unleash on you in a single unfortunate afternoon. I spend my days putting people back together who were fine at breakfast, and F***ed up by lunch. Often times with injuries significant enough to take 3+ months to recover from and "return to work".

Your husband isn't a "bad man". He's likely just concerned about you and your kids. He wants to make sure you'll be ok financially, the same way you want to make sure your family is taken care of physically and emotionally. I bet you both want the same things, you're just trying to solve the problem from different directions. Make up a little lunch and take him to the park. *doesn't cost much* Let your kid play and have a "heart to heart" on a bench. I find having conversations like this in public is effective because it generally keeps things civil..."people are watching and all that." Best of luck. LIL


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I don't get the "doesn't offer to show me the bills" thing. Marriage is a partnership; there should be NO reason that you should be in the dark about the money that comes in versus the money that goes out. 
I understand the SAHP thing. I stayed home with our oldest for the first 10 months, and my H worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs. I landed a good job, and we switched roles. He has been home with our kids (ages 2 and 4) since our oldest was 10 months old. I miss not being the one at home, but its very important for us that our kids are NOT in daycare. This is the system that works best for us, and to do it, we make a LOT of sacrifices. Maybe you could cut some expenses out and see if that will help his stress. We live meagerly right now, because I am working for an employer that while they do not pay that great, they are paying for my master's degree,which will double, if not close to triple my earnings when I graduate. We don't have internet at home right now, we don't go out to eat, there are no fancy latest greatest gadgets. Our kids have all that they need, and we do without our "wants" list. Maybe there are some "wants" you could cut out of your lives so that you could still be a SAHM and he could feel a bit less pressured? 






freeshias4me said:


> I never asked about his finances when we were first married, because he has trust issues. But he also doesn't think I "comprehend real life", (VERY WRONG) so doesn't much offer to show me the bills, etc. On the few occasions I have seen the bills, I have actually been the one to help HIM clear out the confusion!
> I actually WANT to be involved, and have asked him about it, in case anything should happen to him. He won't tell me any details of anything important. He said if anything should happen to him, contact a lawyer to straighten the finances and bills and such out! :0


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

To lorithehun...No...It is not welfare for the baby. It is the same cheque EVERY mother gets here in Canada, up until the baby is age 6. I forget what it is called, but it is 2 small cheques that aren't welfare.
From the beginning, I didn't know how much my husband was making a year, until he did his taxes at the end of each year. So as of right now, I don't even know how much is in his account, and where the money is going or not going, and I don't dare ask.
As for cutting expenses, I do the very best I can. I buy things on sale as much as possible, and buy used clothing for the baby. We have it worked out that he pays for necessities, while I pay for the non-necessities. He doesn't generally pay for my clothing ever, unless I'm really tight with funds (maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 3 years he's paid for my clothing). I'm generally a saver, and he's a spender. He just recently bought about $150 worth of swords and knives to decorate the office room in the house, after saying we are tight on money.
He doesn't get the "partnership thing". He was a single man for many years, so only knows how to look out for himself, and doesn't like others asking him questions about "his business". I've tried many times to have quiet, gentle conversations with him, but they generally don't end up anywhere constructive. I think it may be his upbringing, because he had a bad family life. I don't think he knows how to have proper communication.
As of right now, I have requested some info from ICS about taking a course online.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

So this money you get fro the government, the Canadian taxpayers is a benefit for the baby, not you bringing it in.

Big distinction.

An earlier poster commented that the economy has changed for all of us, so those agreements about just focusing on raising the kid? It is becoming a luxury.

That said, you really need to have a true gauging of your family's economics. This means your husband and you both need to know what your assets are and income and debt.

It is in your own best interests to be prepared for economic disasters. what would you do if you lost your husband (God forbid)? or if he left you?

Having marketable job skills is a must.

BTW, don't have more children unless you can afford them, both to care for them and to raise them.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Maybe you just have some fears about going to work that are unjustified.
Many mothers work full time and are still good mothers.

Could be you get a job and find out you actually enjoy working.


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## blue_eyed_angel (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm also a SAHM to three children ages 12, 16 and soon to be 18,and no matter what ages your children are, they can always benefit from mom being at home!

I'm here in the U.S, and I'm wondering if you've thought about going back to school? It would not only get you out of the house, but also gives you something to fall back on when your children are a bit older, as well as assists you in obtaining a better paying job in the future. 

I went back when my youngest daughter was in 4th grade and she is now in 7th grade and I'm finally preparing to graduate with my Masters.


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