# Do you ever feel like you shouldn't have to masturbate?



## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

I am just curious if there are other ladies that feel like I do, or I am alone in this...

I like sex, I am free and willing more often than not.

I have been masturbating as long as I can remember. Sometimes in my past it was 3-4 times a day, sometimes I'll go weeks w/o it.

When our sex life is good and we are having sex regularly, I don't really need to or want to. I want to save up my desire for him.

Lately we have been on a good schedule of 3-4 times a week- which is great! It has mostly been at my initiation. I have been doing all these little extra things to make our sex life more exciting and making myself more attractive before bedtime- shaving my nether regions, lotioning up, putting on perfume and lip gloss, wearing sexy nighties. I have been instigating conversations about sex, sending dirty text messages, taking pictures of my pu$$y and emailing them to him.

For the past week I have literally had to beg for it, though.
X mas eve I mentioned that we should make love first thing in the morning - since we never have a chance to stay in bed late together. Well, he got up and made coffee w/o any cuddling or interest in sex. I got up, and put his hand down my panties and drug him back to the bedroom. 

While visiting his parents - we stayed in a hotel. On the trip up, I mentioned how much fun it would be to make love in a different bed for a change- he agreed but when bed time rolled around he wasn't interested. I waited for him to start snoring and I started to pleasure myself next to him- well, he woke up and ended up having pity sex with me since I couldn't seem to finish myself off.

Well 2 days later (right on schedule) we are home. I got some gift certificates for X mas and went and spent them on a new bedroom comforter/sheet set, some sexy nightgowns and candles.
I made the bed, took a shower, shaved, got all gussied up and asked him to come to bed. Well, he wasn't in the mood- again!

Needless to say I was hurt, embarrassed, and frustrated. I felt so unattractive. AND PISSED! 

Why should I have to masturbate when I am married? I am putting forth all this effort and trying to spice things up, and he just lays there like a bump on a log and snores?!

I was too angry to take care of my needs for myself last night, but I tried to this morning, and I just couldn't finish. I kept thinking about being rejected and how awful it made me feel and how unattractive he must find me.

Sometimes I feel like what is the point? He can be lazy have his porn and I can go out looking for what I want/need elsewhere.
I know that is wrong, and I don't really want that, but I don't feel like I should have to masturbate when I am horny and sexy and have a real man that I love and am attracted to laying right there next to me.

Do you ever feel like you should be the one being pursued instead of always being the pursuer?
Do any other women who are married to men w/ low sex drives or a perceived disinterest in their sex life- feel like having to masturbate is a slap in the face?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

It's "funny" how that works..

Your next step (if nothing changes of course) is going to be a realization that even here, in the privacy of masturbation, his rejection is hurting you to a point where you just can't cum.. so S€REW HIM.. and you just manage to reach the finale, just to spite him and this whole situation.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

It's funny that I will get myself in the mood and be available for him when he wants it, but I don't get the same consideration from him.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

HAHA! I hear you!

:/

Either we are doing something seriously wrong when we try to initiate or we really have to get our heads around this whole "male predator" thing... and bloody wait!


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal,

Your not alone.. My husband is the same way. For some reason he lost all interest in these last few months. I cant figure it out. I have people telling me he must be crazy for denying me.. And he is definitely making me feel like there is something wrong with me. Maybe he isnt attracted to me anymore. I dont know.
Sorry i cant help or give you an answer.. But if you do figure it out please let me know.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I am just curious if there are other ladies that feel like I do, or I am alone in this...
> 
> I like sex, I am free and willing more often than not.
> 
> ...


All I can say is ....

WILL YOU MARRY ME!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I let mine be. For a year. Then I came here, hashed all options out with good people here, printed the whole thread and gave it to him to read. Then told him I give up. That's it from me. No more trying on my part. I don't understand. I won't understand. NOBODY understands! Probably he HIMSELF doesn't understand!

Since then..

Slooooooooooooooooow progress in frequency. He started paying attention (when I expressly told him that I won't anymore).


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> It's funny that I will get myself in the mood and be available for him when he wants it, but I don't get the same consideration from him.


....and you are a good wife! 

If I was in that situation, I would be royally Pi**ed off. I don't want rubber, I want him. Why else do we marry but to share this part of each other. 

This is why many good people fall into affairs. Right or wrong, it will always be reality. Husbands should make themselves available & wives should make themselves available, and if not, the consistent refuser should not be shocked when the willing giving partner is tempted elsewhere. It has to be heartbreaking to have to go it alone, I can only imagine the hurt. Some just can't hang with this for months, years at a time, takes too much of a toll on their souls.


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

Ive definitely expressed that as well... But there is no change. He tells me that he will try to change it.. but then we end up back to square one. I had so many toys that he threw away 2 years ago... If i had known we would be like this I would have fought to keep them. Now im in search to buy some new ones. He doesnt like that idea... But, I have my needs too. 
Im VERY attracted to my husband.. And our drives DONT match at all anymore. He has none, and im just left hanging. 
I will try again, and maybe this time maybe not hint at all to sex.
Thanks for the suggestion...


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I locked our toys away. Every time I look at them I am irritated at all that money spent for no reason! We were supposed to used them together, and while masturbating I prefer the old school finger. Looking at toys now makes me irritated and it's not really fair of me to show irritation to him since he is working at it.

He lost weight. He stopped drinking - he's not an alcoholic, but he used to drink a lot. That one year period was very stressful (recession) for both of us (probably the main reason why I managed to not say a word for that long). 

I don't know what jump-started him. Could be that after years of me actually going nuts about sex (fighting, begging, walking around stark naked, lingerie, trying to entice, you name it) then came a one year period of me not saying a word and zero sex, then just presenting him out of the blue with my TaM research (my husband is big on logic), he finally realized "oh uh". Could be he was shocked to the core by some of the suggestions made by people (comfort zone, picture earthquake). 

That was six months ago. Nowadays we are averaging once-twice a month. Just prior to that one year of absolutely nothing it used to be once every three months and sliding.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Sorry, Mrs Lonely, got a little worked up there. Can't vent in front of him. Might jeopardize the progress (I STILL don't understand any of this!)



Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> how unattractive he must find me.


Don't go there. Never, ever. You are uber-attractive, you are a goddess personified. His lack of attraction has nothing to do with YOU.


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

I loved my toys.. But I love my husband more.
They were a good distraction for when I was single.. I didnt want to sleep around. Now im married, and deprived in many aspects.. not just sex. 
Thats where we are now 2-3 times a month. We went from honeymoon stage (every day) to 3-4 times a week, to now the last 4 months being 2-3 times a month IF im lucky.
We've only been married 3 years... I would never say no to anything he asks in the bedroom... and he has ridiculed me for it. 
Sometimes I think that maybe thats his issue... Maybe im TOO giving.. But thats who I believe I should be and who I am for HIM, as he should for me. And trust me when I say I do not get the same in return.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

You know, during the first year or 2 we were like rabbits- every chance we got.
Once we moved in together it naturally dwindled, I still did alt the little extras- lingerie, ect. Eventually, I started getting rejected and it hurt, but over time I just became complacent and accepted that lust fades over the years. I still wanted it all the time,but I quit putting as much emphasis on it. I just quit putting any effort into it so that i wouldn't run the risk of being rejected again.
Then it started to get bad, down to once a month, if that, and very mechanical and boring- no passion. I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't going to initiate or try any harder for fear of rejection. I just thought he had a naturally lower sex drive than me, and that was just the way it was.

Then about 2 1/2 months ago I discovered that he had been watching porn- all the time- every chance he got when I wasn't around. I was mortified and frustrated and angry.
It wasn't that he had a low sex drive, he just wasn't interested in sex w/ me- he is a lazy lover, and porn didn't take any foreplay, and when he was finished he could just turn it off.

I was humiliated. I told him it was a deal breaker. I threatened to leave if he continued to give the computer the sexual attention that I deserved as his flesh and blood wife.
Since then I have been doing all the little extra things to make myself available and attractive, trying to lose weight, talking about sex, and initiating 3-4 times a week.

I am doing all this stuff, but nothing changes.
I do not think he has been back on the porn, though.
He must just not be interested in me anymore.
I don't like the toys.... sure I can cum w/ them, but they don't make me feel desirable.
I want closeness and passion and cumming w/ the man I love!
That makes me so sad, because I really want things to work, but I can't be the only one putting forth an effort.

Oh, did I mention that my sex drive has always been high, but I just turned 30, and whoa nelly... my drive is through the roof!


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

It is a comfort to know that I am not alone, but I am also hurt and sad for you ladies who are going through this, too.
I am glad I have TAM to come and vent and ask for advise.

It is weird, I have a lot of female friends who seem to be in relationships w/ men w/ lower sex drives.
What gives? All the guys on TAM seem to complain that their wives are the ones withholding.
I am just confused. If men tend to think about sex all the time, why can't I get any from my husband?


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

Reachingshore, I have read in other posts made by you, that your husband is very logical.
For some reason when I read these posts, in this thread I couldn't help but imagine him as Spock. LOL! Sorry. I hope that doesn't offend you!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

> He must just not be interested in me anymore.


No. Please. Whatever it is it has nothing to do with YOU and YOUR attractiveness. You can safely x out that possibility. You are hot, you are sexy. Please, believe it. Please, live it! 


Oh, yeah, same thing here - initially like bunnies. And yeah, it dwindles, but it should not dwindle so early in and to such degree. Is your husband dominant in bed? Maybe the issue is with our persistence that naturally bedroom dominant men translate as an attempt of "rape" which for them is an automatic turn off?

Actually porn never bothered me. I watch it alone too sometimes. Women need only imagination to get turned on, for men - they need visuals. Technical difference. I don't take it personally at all. Once, during the pre-1-year-break, I walked in on my husband watching and masturbating to porn (promptly jerked his hand out of his pants). Immediately I stated (total calm) that "I saw that". He went red and said "So? You do that, too". "Sure I do, but I am not the one doing the rejecting of the real deal". And I walked away. Technical difference. LOL

I get it, though. He needs to focus on himself and his physical need, period. So do I. What does he need me for, for stress relief. I don't need him for that either. In fact I don't want him to be with me because he needs stress relief. I need him to want to be with me, for me. And when he doesn't feel like that, and because of that he doesn't feel like being with me - that's what hurts me. Thus I don't take it as humiliation or "I feel unattractive", because to me it's all about his desire to be with me, for me.

And till date I don't understand what it's been that caused him to not wanting to be with me, for me. Temporary, on-off emotional disconnect?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I am just curious if there are other ladies that feel like I do, or I am alone in this...
> 
> I like sex, I am free and willing more often than not.
> 
> ...


It's funny how things work. I would have given a lot to get my wife as interested in sex as you seem to be. I'm a guy and shared your frustrations about sex when i was married. I would like to have had the "problem" of a wife who wanted a lot of sex.


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## heartofice (Dec 30, 2010)

Then about 2 1/2 months ago I discovered that he had been watching porn- all the time- every chance he got when I wasn't around. I was mortified and frustrated and angry.
It wasn't that he had a low sex drive, he just wasn't interested in sex w/ me- he is a lazy lover, and porn didn't take any foreplay, and when he was finished he could just turn it off.

[/QUOTE]

Have you maybe asked him to watch the porn together? 
Not sure if your into that... But maybe if you try that he might find it as a "new" adventure?

I have asked my DH to watch them with me... though he does say yes and NEVER follows through. Though he doesnt look at porn to my knowledge... yet.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

About a moth ago when we were talking about our marriage, I asked him if he thought things were better now that we are having sex more regularly and he said "yes, it feels like things are back to the way they should be". he acknowledged that it was because of my efforts.
I am just so irritated that he would jeopardize the progress we had made by settling back into the old routine of me being rejected.
And to answer your question reaching, he is not particularly dominant in or out of the bedroom. I wish he would be at least in the bedroom.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> Reachingshore, I have read in other posts made by you, that your husband is very logical.
> For some reason when I read these posts, in this thread I couldn't help but imagine him as Spock. LOL! Sorry. I hope that doesn't offend you!


Haha :rofl: Actually he is very emotional (for a man) and animated. He cries at movies  It's how he's been raised. My FIL has a PhD in Applied Mathematics, super high IQ and my husband from a very early age learned that if he wanted to get his way with anything he had to logically argue with his dad and think 3 steps ahead. In order for me to get my way with anything when it comes to my husband, I have to apply the same rules.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

I have watched porn with him in the past. I am not really all that interested in doing it anymore, though. It kinda turns me off because it all seems so unnatural, and not like two people who love each other and want to please each other. It all seems so fake.
I mean, I like to be f*cked hard and fast and treated like a sl*t from time to time, too, but I also don't want to be used and abused and treated like my pleasure means nothing either. 
I mean, I really just want to feel desired and I want to make him feel desired.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> And to answer your question reaching, he is not particularly dominant in or out of the bedroom. I wish he would be at least in the bedroom.


Hmm.. then maybe that's the answer to my problem. My husband is/likes/wants to be dominant in the bedroom (and I love it). He has no problem with me taking the initiative here and there "during". But maybe the whole idea of me "chasing him to the bedroom" is a total turn off for him. Predator thing. :scratchhead:

For me in order to successfully navigate that would be like doing the egg-on-a-spoon race while running on hot coals.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I have watched porn with him in the past. I am not really all that interested in doing it anymore, though. It kinda turns me off because it all seems so unnatural, and not like two people who love each other and want to please each other. It all seems so fake.
> I mean, I like to be f*cked hard and fast and treated like a sl*t from time to time, too, but I also don't want to be used and abused and treated like my pleasure means nothing either.
> I mean, I really just want to feel desired and I want to make him feel desired.


Is your husband happy in other areas? Is he bothered by his company or co-workers? Do you guys communicate calmly often? Do you let him get his wishes? 

Men sometimes are not interested in sex because they are bothered by something else, just like women!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

dam Ive never had issues in the bedroom,thats one thing that was great but is one of the hardest women Ive met to satisfy.she wouldnt be happy unless she got at least 45min of foreplay!


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Is your husband happy in other areas? Is he bothered by his company or co-workers? Do you guys communicate calmly often? Do you let him get his wishes?
> 
> Men sometimes are not interested in sex because they are bothered by something else, just like women!


I think he is very happy in other areas.
I always let him get his wishes.

We talked about it last night, as I was still pi$$ed off. It actually could have become a real full on fight, as he kept trying to bring up other things to change the subject of the dispute.
He continued to plead that it wasn't a rejection- and I continued to plead that even though he says it wasn't - it still felt that way to me.
He told me it was because he was exhausted from all the traveling and family activities we have done in the past week, and I get that.

I told him that though he says it isn't about me, I still feel slighted and I felt like we were backsliding, and I didn't want things to go back to the way they were.

I probably shouldn't have so much of my self esteem wrapped up in whether or not he finds me desirable. Really, a couple of nights of rejection shouldn't send me into an emotional tailspin of self doubt- though I let it.

Being whiney and angry about sex is not going to help my plight as it seems that putting that kind of pressure on him is a turn off.

I just know that we won't be able to be intimate tonight, and probably not tomorrow either - so that buts us at just about a week w/ no sex.
Still not happy about it, but I am feeling slightly better about it today after our talk.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I think he is very happy in other areas.
> I always let him get his wishes.
> 
> We talked about it last night, as I was still pi$$ed off. It actually could have become a real full on fight, as he kept trying to bring up other things to change the subject of the dispute.
> ...


Please never doubt about yourself! If you think you are young and hot, then you are young and you are hot. 

The reason your husband gave is very legitimate, whey they are tired, they are in no mood! If my husband doesn't get a good night sleep, the next day he won't want to have sex. Now the first thing I ask him in the morning" How was your sleep last night?" I want his answer to be"not bad"


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

I know it is a legitimate excuse and I understand he is tired.
I never seem to be able to "not be in the mood" in the rare instance that he is and I am not. I mean, I could have a pounding headache and I still manage to get him off. When this happens, I always end up putting out and not getting satisfied. It is not like he forces me to do anything, but I normally let him do whatever he wants. 

I really wish for the same consideration- especially since I believe having regular sex is what is saving my marriage.

I just don't want our sex life to back to the way it was. I just want to keep my marriage happy. In some way, I feel like this behavior is counterproductive. I also feel like I am the one putting forth all the effort to make things better and it seems like he just doesn't care, like everything is fine with him.
I know it will get better and I have to just keep trying and be patient, but I still don't feel like I should have to masturbate if he is around.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> I know it is a legitimate excuse and I understand he is tired.
> I never seem to be able to "not be in the mood" in the rare instance that he is and I am not. I mean, I could have a pounding headache and I still manage to get him off. When this happens, I always end up putting out and not getting satisfied. It is not like he forces me to do anything, but I normally let him do whatever he wants.
> 
> I really wish for the same consideration- especially since I believe having regular sex is what is saving my marriage.
> ...


It is not a good feeling that you have to masturbate when he is around. Too bad that your husband is not like my husband. I believe you and I are the same, we have high sex drive; and our husbands are the same, they don't want sex as often as we do. The only difference is my husband lets me take him whenever I want to. He is my dildo! My husband has no pride issue. I have no pride issue with him either, when I want sex, I just get him hard and climb on top of him and take him, he is used to it! 

I don't know about your husband. Does he feel bad that he can't keep up with you? Sounds like he wants less sex, and you want more! He is not used to your taking him!  Don't know how to help you let him know the importance of satisfying you sexually! 

Calm communication is always good, let him know what you feel and what he can do to make you feel better. Sometimes men are just too dumb to figure out things, we have to tell them directly!


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## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

I'd say your amazing. I believe masturbation is a healthy part of your sex life, but not your entire life. I'm going thru this with my wife. It sounds like you are truly giving it your all. 

Stay strong and positive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnR617 (Dec 23, 2010)

Reading this thread has been more insightful than I thought. 

But here's something to keep in consideration, he may suffer from a sort of erectile dysfunction. Sometimes they are psychosomatic, meaning that a certain lack of something causes that. If he's watching porn more than doing you then perhaps there's a detachment of some sort? But I'm no licensed therapist so this is just one guys observation. 

I'm not too excited about the porn that's coming out compared to earlier stuff. It's just straight up sex. Almost abusive. Unlike porn of the past where there was more fantasy storyline involved. Perhaps you can find some of that and watch it with him and maybe play act along and reconnect in more ways than one?

Again, just my 2 cents 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

I know exactly how you are feeling.... my marriage over the past 10+ years has involved a lot of the things you are talking about so I can definitely relate!
There have been times that even trying to masturbate made me cry, just because of all the issues it brings up, with the sexual frustration, feeling undesirable, longing for that connection with my husband, etc, etc.
I also know the feeling of being hyper-sensitive about skipping a day, even when the sex is happening regularly at the moment. I just went through this the other day. Just recently I posted a thread here, visited some new ideas with him and, long story short, we've had sex 4 times in the past week. Of course one night when he stayed in the garage til 1am fixing his snowmobile, I waited up for him and got upset when he came in and wanted to go to bed. I think our history, and fear of things slipping back to the way they were makes everything very heightened, so that any little 'normal' thing just brings up those feelings of impending doom and makes me panic a little that things are going right back to how they were. 
I think in a 'normal' relationship, it would be no problem, because you'd think, 'hey, no problem, there's always tomorrow!' But of course, given our long-standing issues around sex, I really can't ever be sure that there will be tomorrow. It just complicates things more, I think.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

when my husband and i werent having sex it was due to all kinds of stress from family and money. He was very worried, he had lost his job and was depressed. Something is wrong if two healthy married people arent having sex. both owe it to each other and the marriage to work that out.

on the masturbation topic

i do it regulary when he is around and not around. relieves stress and keeps me from stabbing him in frustration


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

janesmith said:


> when my husband and i werent having sex it was due to all kinds of stress from family and money. He was very worried, he had lost his job and was depressed. Something is wrong if two healthy married people arent having sex. both owe it to each other and the marriage to work that out.
> 
> on the masturbation topic
> 
> i do it regulary when he is around and not around. relieves stress and keeps me from stabbing him in frustration


Do you like pulsating shower heads?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Do you like pulsating shower heads?


conrad dude you are too funny. why u keep trying to take it there with me? i aint going


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## Master.of.the.Cave (Jan 16, 2011)

G


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

Sounds like he would rather watch porn then you and that is an illness.Did you know that you can actually buy sex toys that stimulate your organs while watching porn now? He only needs to please himself now without the hassle of pleasing a woman.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

reachingshore said:


> Sorry, Mrs Lonely, got a little worked up there. Can't vent in front of him. Might jeopardize the progress (I STILL don't understand any of this!)
> 
> 
> 
> Don't go there. Never, ever. You are uber-attractive, you are a goddess personified. His lack of attraction has nothing to do with YOU.


:iagree::smthumbup: HIS lack of interest has NOTHING to do with you. It is very hard to understand this. It has taken over a year in therapy with our marriage counselor (solo most of it bc he dropped out not liking what we talked about). I thought it was me too. Its not. Please be the one woman who accepts this at the stage you are in bc it will save you months or years of self confidence erosion. There is something going on inside him and you are his wife, therefore it is having an effect on you. If he were married to someone else, it would still happen bc its inside his mind. Only he can choose to change it and any amount of trying to convince him, makes it less likely to change. That is a backwards logic for many women, but its true. The more we try to convince him or entice him, the more we push men like that away. Why? Men like that see it as begging and something that is unattractive. I dont get it either, but its just plain the case. men like that are like children and when you try to make a child do something... he wants to NOT do it even more. My therapist calls it narcissistic, but I just call it a child mind in an adult body. A healthy man would not refuse sex with his wife just because, there would be a legitimate reason and it would be given and it would be promised to be made up for when the circumstance passed. That is how you treat someone you love.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If I didn't masturbate, I wouldn't get any type of sex at all!

It's a must, and RandomDude, pulsating shower heads aren't the only things that do it in the bathroom, I discovered the "regular" faucet when I was about 15 - think about it...


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