# Where are you in the 7 Stages of Divorce?



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

They say you go through 7 stages during a divorce. I was curious as to if people experienced all of these, some more than others and what they did to survive it all.

For me, i bounce back and forth through most of theee each day, some more than others. So I guess it’s doesn’t always go in order. 

*1. Denial*
You can’t believe this is actually happening.

*2. Pain and Fear*
This really hurts in many ways, and how am I going to go on by myself emotionally, monetarily, etc.

*3. Anger*
How could the person I exchanged vows with in front of God, family, and friends be doing this? I don’t deserve this.

*4. Bargaining*
You might start to promise your spouse mostly unrealistic things to stop the action. Or you tell yourself you will stop or start a behavior to change this.

*5. Guilt*
You believe it’s all your fault – maybe a lot of it is. I’m totally screwing up my kids’ lives, and they will wind up in an orphanage.

*6. Depression*
This is all settling in now. The person I was supposed to have loved and he/she love me back has betrayed me. 

*7. Acceptance*
This really is happening to me. I have to devise some coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with all of this. There is no running away from it anymore. Time to face the music:


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I didn't really do denial, bargaining, or guilt. As soon as she said it, I knew it was going to happen, there was never any time that I wanted back in the relationship so bargaining never happened, and I only felt culpable with starting the marriage so there wasn't a ton of guilt. I felt bad for the complication of my children's lives but it wasn't _my_ guilt.

The overwhelming feeling I had when my ex told me she was leaving was tiredness / fatigue. That's adjacent to depression if it isn't that. There were long periods where the thought of the time and energy I had put into trying to be the husband / man / father I thought she wanted me to be made me feel so exhausted. I spent some time waffling between anger, depression, and acceptance. I started a journal a couple weeks after she moved out and the first several pages were basically variations of "I am never doing this Fing S again". At the time I didn't ever want anything more than a superficial relationship if any at all. It didn't feel worth it.

A lot of the time I felt cheated by life in a way since I felt, and my ex agreed, that I hadn't done anything explicitly wrong but I was getting divorced anyway. That is adjacent to anger and pain but is diametrically opposed to guilt.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, they don’t go in order and they can bounce around for awhile. 

I stopped thinking about all of it once my divorce was final.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think this might be more for those whose spouse requested divorce while they expected nothing. 

Althought maybe I went through them for years of my marriage, less and less dissilusioned. The acceptance was Starting the process of divorce itself.


----------



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

I was the initiator after 34 Years of a tumultuous marriage. Even after i left i was up and down in my decision. After being out of what I considered a toxic and disfunctional marriage, it still wasn’t easy to walk away .
I did however see the forest for the trees and experienced clarity, which got me through the last few years of ambiguity.


----------



## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I'm still in the anger stage and probably will be for some time. We were separated for 2 years and that was all anger stage. I think I went thru the other stages during my marriage. Glad it's over but I do mourn what could have been. I think that's what I'm most angry about.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

In November, I'll have been divorced for ten years.

I was the initiator, so there's been acceptance throughout, but I do still regularly deal with guilt and anger. Mainly anger.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't think it goes in that order. But I'm in 6 depression now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> I don't think it goes in that order. But I'm in 6 depression now.


Those are basically he stages of grief. Each person moves through them at their own pace and even in their own order. Sometimes a person will move back and forth between stages for a while.


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I was the initiator and I get stuck in guilt and depression quite often.


----------



## BB4113 (Aug 23, 2020)

I’m not sure where I am right now, I am very depressed and upset over the situation. She came to me in March and said she’s done and there’s no fixing it and she wants out. We had the typical marital issues but nothing extreme. The few people that I’ve told are in shock because they all thought we had a great thing going. She’s stone cold about it when it’s brought up and there’s no bargaining or trying to fix it but when she doesn’t think about it we are almost fine. She’s definitely withholding affection and intimacy but we have good days then when it’s going good and looking like we can repair it she brings up an argument or a way to reaffirm she’s done and not gonna try and the cycle happens again. I honestly don’t know what to do....... Am I avoiding it yes, but I’m Also enjoying what time I have left with her.


----------



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

BB4113 said:


> I’m not sure where I am right now, I am very depressed and upset over the situation. She came to me in March and said she’s done and there’s no fixing it and she wants out. We had the typical marital issues but nothing extreme. The few people that I’ve told are in shock because they all thought we had a great thing going. She’s stone cold about it when it’s brought up and there’s no bargaining or trying to fix it but when she doesn’t think about it we are almost fine. She’s definitely withholding affection and intimacy but we have good days then when it’s going good and looking like we can repair it she brings up an argument or a way to reaffirm she’s done and not gonna try and the cycle happens again. I honestly don’t know what to do....... Am I avoiding it yes, but I’m Also enjoying what time I have left with her.


Your last sentence...I'm in the same boat. But also because I still hold out hopes of reconciliation. So my dilemma is should I cut all ties and just move on.....or continue to have hope, knowing there is 99% chance there is none. Obviously I'm bouncing between denial and acceptance.


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> I think this might be more for those whose spouse requested divorce while they expected nothing.
> 
> Althought maybe I went through them for years of my marriage, less and less dissilusioned. The acceptance was Starting the process of divorce itself.


I think this is primarily for the "receiver" of the divorce action not the initiator. I filed and wanted both of my divorces. I never experienced or felt # 1, 4, 5, 6 at all.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

2&out said:


> I think this is primarily for the "receiver" of the divorce action not the initiator. I filed and wanted both of my divorces. I never experienced or felt # 1, 4, 5, 6 at all.


I am the initiator of divorce, and I think I went throgh these stages years earlier, kind of the process of accepting that this will happen.


----------



## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> Your last sentence...I'm in the same boat. But also because I still hold out hopes of reconciliation. So my dilemma is should I cut all ties and just move on.....or continue to have hope, knowing there is 99% chance there is none. Obviously I'm bouncing between denial and acceptance.


I knew for a very long time my marriage was going to end in divorce but I held on hoping for the best. It was wasted years and I deeply regret not doing it sooner. Those years were the most stressful of my life and now it's like a weight being lifted from my shoulders.


----------



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

gold5932 said:


> I knew for a very long time my marriage was going to end in divorce but I held on hoping for the best. It was wasted years and I deeply regret not doing it sooner. Those years were the most stressful of my life and now it's like a weight being lifted from my shoulders.


Since we separated, I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders about somethings. I know it’s for the best, but still fighting it. Thanks for your words of encouragement. Nice to know things can work out.


----------

