# Now What?



## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Well, some of you have probably read my posts. I'm the one who always complains about my H who won't have sex with me. I've discussed this with him until I'm blue in the face. I think he is starting to finally take me seriously (because I have one foot out the door practically).

Well, after over two months with nothing, H and I finally had sex on Saturday (it was even his idea). However, it just didn't do all that much for me. There was very little foreplay, and it was almost robotic. I gave him oral first, but he didn't even really touch me at all. There was no kissing either. I felt absolutely zero connection with him at all. It just didn't feel natural. I've been struggling with my lack of attraction towards him and the "roommate" syndrome. I've just sort of detached myself since our sex life was so horrible. I'm not really sure what to do now. I've told him that we need to try and work on our relationship and rekindle some intimacy. Now I'm not so sure if we can get that back. Even though the sex was his idea, it was totally just an "I'm horny so I guess we can do it" moment. I'll try and not rush to judgement and see if I can try to be more passionate as well. I know that sparks may not come back immediately, but honestly, our sex life could not be anymore lame. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I am only 32. We don't even have kids yet, and I know it would get worse from there. Any advice for me???


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

im not very good at giving advice (at least not as good as some people on here) but i just wanted to say i know how your feeling and i hope it gets better soon. 

Probably not very helpful for you at an awful time like this but at least you can be reassured by the fact that your not alone.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Write him a letter explaining in detail what you want him to do for you. Do it in a very sexy, loving way. Explain every touch and how you feel when he does that to you. Make it an invitation. Start encouraging the positives and have sex more. 

Honestly men should be having sex at least three times a week. It reduces their risk of heart disease and cancer significantly, not to mention all the other benefits, or the benefits for women. Start to explore sensual things you can do that aren't just all about sex. Something might trip a trigger that will help him start feeling more sexual. That something could be watching porn together, getting into some light kink or bdsm, or some other outrageous experiment that you may not have thought of yet. 

When it sounds like a problem, feels like a problem and is presented as a problem or ultimatum, it loses it's appeal. Now, we know it's a problem, but let's back off of that and allow him to feel that it is going to become a joyful thing. If, after a reasonable amount of time, it's still "not working", you really want to consider professional help.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

I can totally relate. My H and I recently started having sex again after 6 years without. I was one foot out the door too. 

Frankly, that first time wasn't the greatest. I guess we had both detatched emotional to survive the years and that doesn't come back overnight. Subsuquent sex has been much hotter, you know why? Because I've made an real effort to make it that way and now he's getting into it too. Sure, it's still devoid of any real closeness or intimacy but I'm hopeful that will come with time.

I'm writing him little notes about what I want to do to him, texting naughty things, suggesting new positions, touching him in new ways, saying stuff in bed, wearing sexy lingerie, coming into his home office completely naked. I added some soft porn to our Netflix list - way down the list but I know he noticed it. He asked me about it yesterday and I just said that was something for us to watch together sometime later. I noticed this morning he had moved one of them up a few spots in the queue. 

I'm also doing my best to respect him outside the bedroom, listen and comment on whatever he has to say. Avoiding things I know annoy him. Doing more things with him. No more yelling or giving him the silent treatment when we disagree - talking like a rational person and taking his feelings and reasonings into account.

I'm really working on it here and I do feel like I'm carrying most of the weight right now but I'm hopeful that in the long term we will reconnect. In the meantime, hot meaningless sex is better than no sex at all. 

Hope this helps in any way.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

HappyHer said:


> Write him a letter explaining in detail what you want him to do for you. Do it in a very sexy, loving way. Explain every touch and how you feel when he does that to you. Make it an invitation. Start encouraging the positives and have sex more.


This is great advice, but I want to make a modification. A couple years ago on another forum I saw the suggestion that a couple should sit down together and write the script for a porn film starring themselves. This lets you specify what you want without being too bossy. And if the other person suggests an alternative, you can say "We'll try it both ways and see what we think for the final script."

If you get as far as recording yourselves, be sure it doesn't end up online (unless you want it to).


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

artieb, that is a most excellent suggestion! That would allow for playfulness and creativity as well! Two of my favorite sex toys


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I'm your age and for at least the past 4 years my husband and I haven't had much sex, 1 or 2 times a month and it was boring and fairly passionless. We never talked about it and just lived more or less like roommates, very little kissing or touching. Our relationship was great in most other respects.

When I went off the pill a few months ago my surge in sex drive wouldn't allow we to live like that any longer. I reached a boiling point and wrote my husband a letter... about how I realized now that sex _is_ a critical part of marriage, about how I felt SO terrible I'd let our relationship get to this state and how I was SO sorry I'd not given him what he needed to feel loved and wanted. I told him I wanted to make him feel good, that it'd make me very happy, that he should at least give me hints about what he would like.

Even though I had plenty of complaints about him and his lack of pleasing me, I didn't even hint at anything like that. I only talked about my mistakes and how horrible I felt about them.

Well, the letter was a complete success. It was the turning point for us and created an atmosphere where we were free from our burdens and guilts and mistakes to start over.

Its been almost a month now and we've been maintaining an average of probably 5x per week and its INCREDIBLE. We've never even come close to this level of intimacy before! We kiss a lot more, touch each other more, and are a _lot_ happier. 

It _was_ awkward in the beginning though since we'd been living like roommates for so long. I kind of felt like an actor, but it was a necessary step to get things jumpstarted after so long. I set out on a mission to drive him crazy and let him really know how much I desired and wanted him. I could leave no doubt in his mind no matter how silly/exposed/vulnerable I felt. Maybe I over-acted at times but now there's no need for that! Plenty of passion between us and I'm shocked because the change was relatively quick. Formerly the wife who'd never given her H a real bj, to the wife that truly loves doing it... in less than a month.

Oh, and the complaints I had about him not pleasing me... well, I never voiced them and they took care of themselves. We went from having normal intercourse until he came (regardless of my state) to him making sure I'm satisfied without me saying a word. He'd tried oral sex on me once or twice before, but now I feel like a spoiled queen.... wow! Thank you letter.

As for him not touching you before sex, have you tried to communicate that you'd like him to? Get all hot sucking on him and put his hand where you want it? Maybe he needs a little direction and moving a hand somewhere is reasonable even for the very shy. Maybe make sure he is really revved up when you do it so he won't see it as something being "asked" of him. Most importantly, act like you're SO into it even if its wierd. What guy can deny a girl's needs in that state? Take his hand and show him how its done. If you want change, make an effort to shake things up, always in a positive, nonconfrontational way.

The fact that he initiated sex is big, focus on that. He DOES want a good sex life with you, probably just doesn't have a clue how to get there. Lead him by example. Most of all, make him know he is wanted and desired. All this time without sex has told him over and over that he is not. 

Good luck, you can do it too!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I got news for you - most of the time the first time isn't the greatest. Yeah, occasionally you hit that "spark" but most of the time, partners will fumble.

When I got back in the saddle, I had a bottle of wine before and it jsut didnt' work (stupid, stupid, stupid!  ). The second time I was so worked up about the first time, it didn't work. Classic performance anxiety. Third time was a charm. Did a bunch of things guys do to prep for sex.

From there on in, I was "back in the saddle."

It takes some time to re-explore and remember how to roll in the hay like rabbits. Just go through the motions now and practice a few times/week.

Pretty soon you'll be doleing out the advice.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yes, after a while of bad and rare sex you have to kill attraction for the other person or you'll run up the wall. It's a normal thing. And it comes back in a bit of time. You just have to re-connect so to say. And your body will follow as feeling as well. It's normal for it to be a little awkward for so much time of not doing it. The more you practice, like Scannerguard said, the less awkward and more pleasant it becomes.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks for all of the replies! Some really good suggestions here. I will take it to heart. I really hope that the passion and spark comes back naturally. I will give it my best effort, and I hope it's not too late. It just really struck me because I felt absolutely nothing for him (with regard to sexual attraction). It's just completely gone. I've been ready to move on for quite some time, and we've been totally detached from one another (sexually). 

I guess if I give it my best effort, then I will feel confident with whatever happens. If it comes back then great, and if it doesn't, then at least I will know before we have kids.


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