# What Makes a Walk Away Wife?



## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

... or in this case, fiancee. This is related to a thread I also posted in the Financial discussion, but they're different questions. The short of it is that I am financially responsible, highly motivated and driven, and ambitious. My Fiance is not, has not worked steadily since I've known him, and tends to be a lot of talk and promises but thus far no results.

We had a big fight a few weeks ago, where I was on the verge of breaking up with him because our relationship has stagnated. I won't move in with him or marry him until he at least has a steady job, and it seems like every day we are farther and farther away from our long term goals. I don't want to wait forever - it's been over a year now.

During that fight, he accused me of giving up on him, of walking away from the relationship when times were tough, and basically not being a loyal/steadfast partner. But the way I look at it is - he promised me a life and marriage, but can't keep his promises. I'm not asking for much - a steady job. Any job. But his accusation also hit home with me; the economy is terrible, he has certain circumstances that make it more difficult for him to find a job, and I know he is genuinely trying (even if he's not trying quite hard enough for my tastes). 

In a situation like this, what would make a walk-away wife?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What 'certain circumstances' are making things more difficult to find work?

A stagnated relationship is just that. Going nowhere. What benefit is there to stay in a relationship like that?


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

He has problems with anxiety that limit the types of work he can do. He is on meds and seeing a therapist (and has been as long as I've known him) so this is probably how he will always be. I try to be as supportive and understanding as possible, but there's a big list of jobs that he says he just can't handle. Jobs are limited to begin with in this area, and this makes it much more difficult for him to find something. 

This is also why I ask the walk-away question - I accepted his proposal, which includes "for better or for worse". I don't want to abandon him in a "for worse" phase. But... well... we've been together a long time and there has never yet been a "for better" phase!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Job security is something that a woman truly needs from a man she chooses. It's like something that we have embedded in our dna... we want to feel that the man we choose can take care of us. You can deny this need you have to be secure in favor of being loyal to him, but I think it will lead you down the path of resentment. I don't see that as the beginning of a healthy or happy marriage. Ultimately that's what you'd like... a healthy happy relationship. Well the components that add to that just aren't all there. Will they ever be? No one knows... but you're getting a birds eye view of how your future is going to go when it comes to his being able to secure and maintain an income for your family. It's risky for sure.

The question you have to ask, is if he's worth that risk? He may not ever be able to be secure financially. You have to weigh if that's going to be okay with you for the rest of your life with him.


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Job security is something that a woman truly needs from a man she chooses. It's like something that we have embedded in our dna... we want to feel that the man we choose can take care of us.


This definitely gives me something to think about. On the one hand, I have sympathy for his anxiety situation, empathy for the fact that the economy is terrible and genuine love for him and affection. On the other hand I have this kind of gnawing need NOT to be the strong one, NOT to be the breadwinner, and NOT to always be the caretaker. 

I guess I just also have a need NOT to be the walk-away wife, the abandoner in hard times.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

QuestionsNoAnswers said:


> I have this kind of gnawing need NOT to be the strong one, NOT to be the breadwinner, and NOT to always be the caretaker.


Please do not marry this man....trust me....you WILL ALWAYS BE THE BREADWINNER. Taking care of yourself is OK, promise...


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Hmmmm I have never held the traditional view of wanting a man to take care of me, in fact although it sounds nice, I read so often of women who when their husbands do they exert their "authority monetarily" and power, etc.... I like equal spouses working, and marriage being an equal partnership with both spouses pitching in extra when the other is going through issues that prevent them from doing so, or are tired of being the stay home parent. Example, I stayed home 4.5 years, was tired of it, went back to work, my dh supported me during that time, but I also did part time work, to retain my identity. Now he stays home and works part time as I obtained my degree... I have severe anxiety and PTSD and I work full time. It can be managed through therapy and medications and you can still work, and I work in a very high stress job... so I have other things I do to manage the stress as well. I think if you love this person than you should support him... not walk away. Rethink the vows, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, basically no matter what life throws at you.


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

I don't tend to take a very traditional view of marriage - while I am open to the idea of staying home for a few years with kids, I couldn't ever be a full time SAHM. I don't care how much money he makes - just that he _does_ something, commits to something, and follows through with it.

My biggest struggle is the idea of "no matter what". Because that was one phrase he really threw at me during our fight - that if you love someone, you stay with them no matter what. So I must not really love him, or if I do really love him, I must be a flaky and unreliable person to abandon him when times are tough. 

But that's not really the case, is it? I mean - there's all kinds of legitimate reasons to end a relationship. You don't stay with someone no matter what. I've been told a lot that you support someone you love no matter what. But when I look around at the real world, that's not the case, that's not how reality really works. But... maybe I am wrong. Which is why I ask for the board's wisdom.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IMO marriage isn't unconditional love. You have that kind of love for your child but not your spouse... relationships between men and women are VERY conditional, and no you don't stay no matter what. Love isn't enough.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Hmmmm I have never held the traditional view of wanting a man to take care of me, in fact although it sounds nice, I read so often of women who when their husbands do they exert their "authority monetarily" and power, etc.... I like equal spouses working, and marriage being an equal partnership with both spouses pitching in extra when the other is going through issues that prevent them from doing so, or are tired of being the stay home parent. Example, I stayed home 4.5 years, was tired of it, went back to work, my dh supported me during that time, but I also did part time work, to retain my identity. Now he stays home and works part time as I obtained my degree... I have severe anxiety and PTSD and I work full time. It can be managed through therapy and medications and you can still work, and I work in a very high stress job... so I have other things I do to manage the stress as well. I think if you love this person than you should support him... not walk away. Rethink the vows, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, basically no matter what life throws at you.


I understand what you are saying, llln. In this day and age, we need to be able to provide for ourselves and also support our loved ones during their hard times. Some of us (women) actually like being the provider and there is nothing wrong with that. For the OP, however, she may need that security of knowing that her man _can_ provide if things get tough. I get that. I think that she is smart for questioning this before they walk down the aisle. 

Technically, OP, you haven't made the full commitment yet and so it is good that you are asking these questions now and really looking at your feelings. If he cannot provide for the two of you, will you begin to build resentments toward him? It sounds like you may and that, as you probably know, can destroy a relationship. It is perfectly fine to feel that you want a mate who is capable of providing if need be. We can't help how we feel. Now if you were demanding that he take care of you completely without you working or trying to provide for the relationship as well, I could see that as being unreasonable. I think it comes down to how much more patience will you have with him and his situation. Personally I would not marry until things were worked out on his side but obviously that is entirely up to you. I wish you both luck!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

QuestionsNoAnswers said:


> My biggest struggle is the idea of "no matter what". Because that was one phrase he really threw at me during our fight - that if you love someone, you stay with them no matter what. So I must not really love him, or if I do really love him, I must be a flaky and unreliable person to abandon him when times are tough.


Yeah - that wouldn't work for me either. Many of us love the idea of unconditional love for someone else but truthfully it rarely is the case (just look at these forums - divorcing because someone is "fat"!). That also sounds like emotional blackmail to me. He is trying to guilt you into doing and feeling what he wants you do/feel. That won't work and will just make you angry and maybe resentful. 

I sincerely hope that his anxiety issues can get better with counseling and the meds but you also need to look out for yourself and your needs. How long are willing to wait for him to get better? Forever and ever "no matter what"?


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

Honestly, I feel like I already have a little resentment toward him. Mostly because he keeps assuring me that everything will be okay and it will all work out, and it makes me feel like he has his head stuck in the sand and is not addressing the issue in a constructive way.

InMyTree, I think you helped me identify a key component of what's going on here. The idea that I need him to be able to provide support just in case is important. Because the way our relationship works now is that he is really great about the emotional side of things but not the practical. But I don't need emotional support. I need practical support and he can't offer that. Of course, the question that no one can answer but me is how long I can go on like this - but has anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, what happened?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

QuestionsNoAnswers said:


> I guess I just also have a need NOT to be the walk-away wife, the abandoner in hard times.


I'll use your terms - for better or for worse. Those are marriage vows, and though you've agreed to marry him:
a) you are not married yet
b) you specifically put terms/goals before you would marry.

I may get slammed hard for this, but given what you've posted, exactly when did you get the "for better" or "good times"?

Everyone deserves to be happy. If you're in an unhappy marriage, I think your vows dictate you do everything possible to make it work for both of you. But you are not married, so you can't be a walk away wife.

I think most people on here will agree, that things don't get better in marriage - or at least marriage does not fix things. If you are struggling now, and you've indicated there is more than just the job thing, then there is nothing wrong with reevaluating things.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Resentments!!!!!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

QuestionsNoAnswers said:


> Honestly, I feel like I already have a little resentment toward him. Mostly because he keeps assuring me that everything will be okay and it will all work out, and it makes me feel like he has his head stuck in the sand and is not addressing the issue in a constructive way.
> 
> InMyTree, I think you helped me identify a key component of what's going on here. The idea that I need him to be able to provide support just in case is important. Because the way our relationship works now is that he is really great about the emotional side of things but not the practical. But I don't need emotional support. I need practical support and he can't offer that. Of course, the question that no one can answer but me is how long I can go on like this - but has anyone been in this kind of situation before? If so, what happened?


Well good, I am glad that talking it out helps a bit.

I have been in your situation and am technically still going through it. My stbxh suffers from depression and anger management issues. He refuses to seek out help (counseling) and so I don't see how he will ever get beyond his issues. In the past eigt years he has lost three jobs. The first time he never gave me an answer as to why he lost the job however I do know that he was demoted for his anger issues resulting in his lack of customer service skills. A few months after that he was let go. The second time it was for stealing (petty cash - very dumb) and the last time it was due to poor job performance. After the second job loss is when I knew that my resentments and loss of respect for him were at a "no turning back" point. There were also other issues at home concerning mental and verbal abuse towards myself and my daughter so it wasn't all due to his inability to be a good, steady provider. In the meantime I had furthered my own education (while working three part time jobs) and became a RN. That enabled me to work at a very good full time career. Yes, he did help me out while I was in school but I also helped him out for months at a time while he was unemployed so I don't think there were any issues with me providing or doig less than him. A a matter of fact I paid more bills than he did throughout our marriage and planned and paid for all of the vacations and most of the entertainment. I was not resentful of this. It was the job losses, how he lost the jobs, his unwillingness to work on himself and our marriage and especially the abuse. These factors all contributed to me falling out of love with him and deciding to move on from the marriage.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I don't care for the "walk away wife" term. I think it's a term used to scare women into staying by labeling them. It's just another way to control women in a world where men are losing their power over us. Weather a relationship is right or wrong weather your a woman or man, it doesn't need a label. I know what a walk away wife is but I don't think the term should be considered when making your decision to stay or not.


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## QuestionsNoAnswers (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughts/comments so far! I guess I just don't want to leave without feeling like I've done everything I can... but in this case, I don't think there's anything I can do to fix the situation. What everyone's helped me realize is that, right or wrong, I have a fundamental need that's not getting met in this relationship. He knows about the need, and he's trying to met it, but it's just not happening. 

I feel anxious and guilty because other needs of mine ARE being met, but what it comes down to is that I'm not going to be happy unless all my needs are met. (And I mean need when I say need - wants are something I can compromise on, but everyone has certain core needs and it's no good trying to pretend that one doesn't exist.)


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