# Old man lamenting



## Zampano (Dec 24, 2010)

Hi. Thanks for listening to me. It means a lot. I'll condense this in a major way. I hope you'll read it. I'm leaving much out.

At 47 I feel my life is over and it hurts so bad I cry sometimes. I do not, nor ever, loved my wife. To be sure, I respect her as an individual and dutifully share in the work of raising our three children and keeping the apartment running but I have nothing for her which is very sad and makes me feel cheap but it is what it is. No love only respect for the individual. 

Low self esteem (never thought I would get a women and took the first one that dated me),and peer pressure(felt that my friends and family would think ill of me if I did not get married and have children) helped me make the decision to wed in the first place. 
I made another bad decision and agreed to live with her parents. After 19years, I'm still in the same three family home with her parents because I have no money.

Within the 19 years of marriage , I developed a panic disorder.
This helped caused our life savings to disappear. I had trouble getting a job and health care was/is expensive for the children. She did not work in those days.

Those in which I confide in tell me that I must stay married, "man up" and help raise the children at all costs. "Do it for honors sake and the children's sake" they all say. 

I love my children and do not want them to go through what I went through when my parents separated. As a 14 year old boy, it destroyed me. So I couldn't leave the marriage on their account. 
I did not want people, especially my mother, to learn that I wanted out of the marriage so I couldn't leave on that account as well. It would shame her and me too much.

So, I "manned up" and stayed married and suffered tremendous anguish. I am convinced, this helped bring on the panic disorder.

So my destiny is to work junky jobs, pay the bills, and live without love all the while staying married to her under a charade and then to die. I feel even if I do get a separation, at 47 my life is over. How can anyone start over again at that age? I wont be able to find someone to love and have her love me back because my youth is gone, pissed away and my life is not that attractive. I am now impotent with no sex drive. 

How cruel life is. Does anyone else feel this way?

Zampano


----------



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi, 

it seems to me you've don't just have a panic disorder but major depression as well.....

I think you need to see a therapist and your doctor pronto, so you can get on medication and support asap.....

It will most likely help with this negativity you're feeling right now....

That's my first suggestion before even thinking about separation, divorce or going on with your marriage as is.....

Before you've got a handle on your health I wouldn't make a decision about anything !!!


----------



## blazzerm (Dec 24, 2010)

Do you know how your wife feels, does she love you? Maybe you're both feeling the same?


----------



## Zampano (Dec 24, 2010)

rome2012:
Hi and thank you for posting. Yea, I'm pretty depressed. I'll most likely talk to a marriage councilor about my issue of marriage. I don't think my depression is clinical yet. Thanks for the suggestion however.

blazzerm:
Thanks for taking time out for me. 
I dare not tell her how I feel. I don't want to hurt her.

Zampano


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Yes, many men have been there and some are still there. 20-30 years longer than you even.

Of course you're life isn't over, and yes you are still wanted. I want to come over and shake your hand and hang out and bull**** with you and I don't even know you. There are plenty of women that feel the same way. Maybe not in this forum, and maybe not living next door to you, but I assure you it's true, I see it happen on a weekly basis to guys just like you and me. 
Do they all look like Rachel Welch? No not usually but they are attractive nonetheless, and even more so when there's a connection.

You see the thing is, is that starting over is much easier when it's done close to home. If you were fixed up tomorrow with a woman you fell madly in love with, within a year's time the chemical fluctuations in your brain change back and then love becomes a second full time job. If the relationship is going well then it's not so much work as it is play. If the relationship sucks then a person is left wondering...how the hell did I get here!?

Right now with the way you are feeling, you have nothing to lose. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Tomorrow get out of bed do some back stretches, spend 15 mins in the bathroom doing a full ****/shower and shave, clip the toenails, trim and gel the hair, then spend Christmas day as an observer just watching and listening to your wife as you watch your kids have fun and for the love of all that is holy, please Tune Out the in-laws.

When the day is done I'd like to ask you:
1. What about my wife would ever make someone fall in love with her?
2. What about my kids makes me love them?
3. If my wife and kids became stranded on an island with me tomorrow is there anyway we could survive as a family unit? If not, why?
4. What are 3 things I like about my wife? (could be anything, like: I like snuggling with her, she has beautiful lips, she's great with our kids, etc.
5. If my wife and kids left with me right now to live in a new place, how big of a relief would that be on me?

Please feel free to PM me anytime for no reason at all.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey, Z, sorry you feel so awful. But CM has some good ideas and I can tell you right now that lots of people have been in your shoes and have found happiness. 

I can very much relate--marrying for the wrong reasons, in particular. Had anxiety issues too so I understand that. 

Exercise is such a good remedy for so many things--can you get out for a walk a few minutes a day, as a start? Heck, just 5 minutes sitting in direct sunlight will help your mood. 

Climbing out seems overwhelming unless you focus on one little, bitty step at a time. Celebrate the success of each small step and remember the goal is to keep moving forward, even if the pace is glacial. Good luck.


----------



## Zampano (Dec 24, 2010)

chefmaster:
It's very nice of you to say those things. Thank you kindly sir indeed. However, I do have a few questions:

"You see the thing is, is that starting over is much easier when it's done close to home"
I'm sorry but I don't understand what this means.

"spend Christmas day as an observer"
I will do these things and report back to you if I may.

sisters359:
Thank you for the positive post. Yes, I exercise often. I find that pumping iron works for me. However, I have lost my appetite. Which means the if I don't eat my muscle mass will diminish in time.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Your situation sounds somewhat like my ex-wifes situation. Did you "always" feel that you were not in love, or were you perhaps just unhappy at certain things and now the depression makes it all seem unbearable? Aside from feeling you don't love your wife, what is your life with her like? Do you argue a lot or is it smooth sailing? Does your wife have any idea you feel this way? Have you ever addressed this with her? What is your definition of being in love?


----------



## Zampano (Dec 24, 2010)

southbound:
Hi and thanks for taking time out this holiday. 
No, I've always felt this way about her and yes, certain things that happened in our life made it more prevalent to me.

I used to argue with her but now I've stopped all that. It's bad for the health of the family. I keep to myself that in which disturbs me and focus on making the lives of my children near perfect as I can.

Well, my life is like this. No time for hobbies or friends. I get up early, 2:30AM or around there about. Go to work then come home and work out. Then I help my young son with his homework and check in with the older children. We eat dinner together then it's off to bed for me. I don't go on weekend vacations or otherwise with my kids and my wife. I help pay for their vacation however. They go with her family. I don't have much vacation time so I usually save it to see mom and dad who are sickly.

I have tried to tell her in some awkward manner of how unhappy I am but she's not really getting it. The life is smooth sailing because I keep my mouth shut and suck it up. No fights.

"What is your definition of being in love?"
I don't know. I'm hoping to learn and find out. I'll give it a try here but understand that I find it hard to explain what I feel. 

Love I guess is like a constant electric current that runs through me all day long . Rising in amperage when I think of certain things about her then leveling off again. With certain women I do feel this pull thing. I'll obtain this type of need to help them and become a major part of their life. It's sort of like lust but not in a sex way. It makes my chest area warm when I think of them, perhaps obsessively. I often find that I fall for women I can't get and often they are too young for me so it hurts knowing that love or what I think is love will not happen.

I'll be in a sort of daze dreaming of ways to help them with their lives and to become a major player in their lives in order to help them and give them an opportunity in life. It drives my life. Makes me strong and courageous. Gives me power but also makes me very afraid and fragile at times. 

While feeling this warmth I'll obsess all day long marveling at her personality, her inner strengths. How she walks and talks and how she interacts with people. I don't want to share her with anyone. I want her only to myself. I'll think about what she wears and how she smells. I'll think of ways to get her more of what she likes. I want to be with her and hold her 24/7 all the while having this warmth thing happening. I want to totally dedicate my life to her in order to make her the happiest girl on the planet I guess. I want to tell her over and over again that someone loves them and that she has a friend for life. I want to grow with her and experience life with her and I want her to say the exact thing to me, that she loves me. Sounds sappy I'm sure but I'm doing the best I can explaining what I think love is.

Zampano


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Zampano said:


> "You see the thing is, is that starting over is much easier when it's done close to home"
> I'm sorry but I don't understand what this means.
> 
> Zampano


What I mean when I say that is: the things you described to southbound in your last post about love? If you begin aiming those things towards your wife you may get her to reciprocate and possibly find love without having to look elsewhere, which has many less real-life headaches than finding love somewhere else.

In my first post I was trying to say that falling in love(which is what you describe in your last post beginning with "Love I guess is like a constant electric current") is an awesome feeling. It's so great a feeling that it is in some cases the sole cause for an infidelity, but it's generally a different feeling than the love-on-a-daily-basis feeling between a man and his wife.

If I were allowed to give you 3 pieces of advice right now they would be:
1. Please begin aiming those things at your wife(as I mentioned previously).
2. Make time for yourself/hobbies.
3. Create (at any expense) time for friends, you need them now more than you are able to envision.


----------



## Zampano (Dec 24, 2010)

chefmaster:

"Tomorrow get out of bed do some back stretches, spend 15 mins in the bathroom doing a full ****/shower and shave, clip the toenails, trim and gel the hair, then spend Christmas day as an observer just watching and listening to your wife as you watch your kids have fun and for the love of all that is holy, please Tune Out the in-laws."

Rodger wilco. Did all the above. 

1. What about my wife would ever make someone fall in love with her?
She has superior morals.
She doesn't mind working around the house.
She doesn't mind working a job.
She does a good job with raising children.
She is quiet.

2. What about my kids makes me love them?
They're mine.
They are innocent beings.
Then need love to survive.

3. If my wife and kids became stranded on an island with me tomorrow is there anyway we could survive as a family unit? If not, why?
This is sort of a trick question. Most any man would stay and make sure that his family had a chance for survival until help arrived. What kind of man would run off and let them suffer and maybe die?

4. What are 3 things I like about my wife? (could be anything, like: I like snuggling with her, she has beautiful lips, she's great with our kids, etc.
She's good with the kids.
She helps with the house work.
She's not fat.

5. If my wife and kids left with me right now to live in a new place, how big of a relief would that be on me?

Not much. You see I don't talk much to her these days. I don't care much for her. I don't want to go anywhere with her. We don't talk to each other like other people do. We don't have meaningful conversations. We just do spot checks on each other. Like just inform each other about the kids, our work schedule etc. I don't have fun with her because she's not fun to be with. She's to conservative. 

"If you begin aiming those things towards your wife you may get her to reciprocate and possibly find love without having to look elsewhere, which has many less real-life headaches than finding love somewhere else"

But I don't want too. I don't want to be with her. I have nothing for her. I can't pretend to be interested in her any more. We have nothing in common. I don't take her out to eat because she just sits there. I don't take her out dancing because we just sit there with nothing to say to each other. I don't celebrate our anniversary because I hate it all. Sure, I buy her a gift but that's it. She could be nice to me all day long and it wouldn't make a difference with how I feel about her.

Zampano


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

It sounds like you have a lovely family. The situation with you and your wife is truly unfortunate.


----------

