# Would you feel betrayed?



## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Quick question: would you feel betrayed if you found out your spouse was posting on this site, or any other relationship site, about issues/problems in your relationship? (This is obviously going on the assumption that your spouse/SO doesn't know about you posting on here that is.)

Just curious.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No because most of the people here (like 90%) are searching for ways to improve their marriage.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Not me. I'm trying to save my marriage. If she wanted to post here in that effort, more power to her.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

No. I would have been happy that my x wife was looking for ways to help our marriage instead of concluding within herself that divorce was the only answer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Not betrayed, but concerned. Concerned if she couldn't talk to me about it, or if she was talking to me about it and wanted other perspectives then happy.....happy that she's invested enough about our marriage to want to improve it and care about it to talk about it instead of bailing on it.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

no i wouldn't. I would be happy to know that he gives a crap about our marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> no i wouldn't. I would be happy to know that he gives a crap about our marriage.


:rofl:


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

and what is so funny about my post jellybeans?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ladyybyrd said:


> no i wouldn't. I would be happy to know that he gives a crap about our marriage.



Agreed. My wife knows I come on relationship forums and she hates it. She wants to pretend our problems aren't real. Maybe if she let me talk to her about my crisis, I wouldn't need to come here. 

And besides, I don't give a crap about what my wife thinks any more.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Agreed with LadyByrd (and I think JellyBeans just got a chuckle out of how bluntly you put it!) But I COMPLETELY agree! I would LOVE it if my hubby reached out to others to try and help our marriage. He is going to counseling, that's a start....


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

ladyybyrd said:


> no i wouldn't. I would be happy to know that he gives a crap about our marriage.


:iagree::iagree:
I wish he would. He may learn something from the men here. Instead of thinking he knows it all, while our marriage is descending, and he does nothing to help.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

No but I would want to know what their concerns were if they hadn't spoken to me about them, and why they felt they couldn't speak to me about them.

I wonder if a couple have ever posted anonymously on the same site without realising...


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Nope, I would be ecstatic that he would be taking initiative to work on our problems as well.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Quick question: would you feel betrayed if you found out your spouse was posting on this site, or any other relationship site, about issues/problems in your relationship? (This is obviously going on the assumption that your spouse/SO doesn't know about you posting on here that is.)
> 
> Just curious.


Honey, is that you? I don't recognize you without your head up your.....


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I would be happy. He's stuck in the "nice guy" role after realizing the "lying asshat" role wasn't going to fly anymore. I could probably get away with setting his mom on fire right now. Who the hell wants that kind of power?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I would be concerned that aliens came and replaced him with someone else. He thinks my forum habit is silly.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I'd be happy with it, and we are both here any way so...


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

4sure said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> I wish he would. He may learn something from the men here. Instead of thinking he knows it all, while our marriage is descending, and he does nothing to help.


I am here too


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I would find it a SITE better than a Chat room or dating site, that is for absolute sure. So no, I agree with many others here, it is a sign they care enough to get some critical advice to change themselves and or ideas to communicate better- to work on the marraige. 

One should NOT be offended if this is where they land. If so, you will only feed into more problems, more disconnect, and he/she may soon be looking elsewhere & it won't be for marraige advice.


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## lunalady (Aug 11, 2010)

I'd be okay with it. I would only have a problem with it if he didn't tell me what his problems are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> and what is so funny about my post jellybeans?




Just the way you worded it. It wasn't meant to be funny but it gave me a chuckle  It's not a bad thing. It was cute.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

O.k. 

#1. Just because this is a 'support' site, doesn't mean that this cannot also become a dating site. Disgruntled spouses or those in an unhappy marriage, tend to reach out to others who are in the same situation. They lean on one another for support, that 'leaning' can also lead to something else. If someone is looking to cheat, or find something that's lost in their marriage with someone else, then they'll find it anywhere; dating sites are just more blatant about it. 

#2. This site specifically advises members that if they want to remain anonymous (all over the web - and most likely mainly anonymous about their joining/using this site to their spouse/SO,) that they should have a user name that cannot be traced back to their real name. This is secretive, and while I understand it's point with regards to security concerning others picking your information up on the web, it does seem to me that this is more related to hiding this info from your spouse/SO (just my opinion - and clearly my user name doesn't relate to my real name, so I'm just as guilty of hiding this from my spouse as anyone else.)

#3. To the posting that mentioned 'I don't care what my wife thinks anymore.' Maybe that's your problem? Or at least one of the problems in your relationship? Obviously I know nothing about any of your relationship problems, and I cannot make any judgment as to why you feel this way, but just knowing that you no longer consider your wife's feelings to be important is clearly one of the issues in your marriage, and a reason why you are here in the first place. Just a thought, and no criticism intended. Just making an observation.

#4. I want to re-word my original question:

Would you feel betrayed if you thought/believed your marriage was going well. You spend a lot of time with your spouse, you have a very loving relationship, there's a baby on the way, and everything is 'seemingly' going well. You have a small, supposedly 'petty' argument, and suddenly you find out that your spouse/SO has been trashing you on a website similar to this one? Added to that, is the fact that these complete strangers are also trashing you in response to your spouses post, telling your spouse that they should lie to you about where they are and such (as a response to what you have allegedly done/not done in this supposedly 'petty' argument.) Would you not feel betrayed then? Because it seems to me that the spouse/SO is not looking for support, but is looking to find confirmation that he/she is in the 'right,' and in the process is cutting their spouse to pieces in a public (albeit online 'public') space? Would you begin to wonder who your spouse is? Who is this person that would do this to you? Would you lose your trust in them? Would you begin to wonder what else they are saying and/or doing behind your back? Because, as you can probably recognize, that is exactly what I am feeling right at this point.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> O.k.
> 
> #1. Just because this is a 'support' site, doesn't mean that this cannot also become a dating site.


If this is a dating site, someone please clue me in STAT so I can leave. LOL

Suggesting this is a dating site is silly.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

I'm not saying this IS a dating site. What I'm saying is that it can BECOME one. People meet online ANYWHERE. Dating sites, chat forums, anywhere. Just as people can meet anywhere in 'real' life, they can meet anywhere on forums where people share intimate secrets about their daily lives. In particular, if people are having problems in their relationship, they are probably more 'open' to finding/reaching out to other people, and 'friendships' can become something else. It can and does happen. Again, I'm not saying this IS a dating site. You're completely missing the point of what I'm saying.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

No, I would be impressed that he really cares about our marriage/relationship.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I would probably be hurt, but I would also be forced to take a good long look at myself and figure out how I have contributed to the current state of the relationship.
I would for sure be taking notes on the threads my SO started to see what the issues were and I would see what kind of advice was given and how my SO responded.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

bunnybear said:


> No, I would be impressed that he really cares about our marriage/relationship.


You think that your spouse trashing you on a website and having others trash you on a website, equates to your spouse caring about your marriage/relationship?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> I'm not saying this IS a dating site. What I'm saying is that it can BECOME one. People meet online ANYWHERE. Dating sites, chat forums, anywhere. Just as people can meet anywhere in 'real' life, they can meet anywhere on forums where people share intimate secrets about their daily lives.


It's true that relationships can start anywhere. I've been considering locking my husband in a cage to avoid all human contact. Your post has given me just the push I need. Do they sell cages big enough for a grown man or would I have to claim I own an ape? Never-mind, I'll figure it out.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> You think that your spouse trashing you on a website and having others trash you on a website, equates to your spouse caring about your marriage/relationship?


I'm going to assume you are the spouse of a member. Why not post your side and see what type of answers you get? Naturally there are two sides to every story. It's possible that your spouse was seeking support over problem solving, but the members of TAM have no way to verify if someone is being truthful. If you think bad advice is being given you're welcome to tell your side.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> It's true that relationships can start anywhere. I've been considering locking my husband in a cage to avoid all human contact. Your post has given me just the push I need. Do they sell cages big enough for a grown man or would I have to claim I own an ape? Never-mind, I'll figure it out.


Again, your snide comment misses the POINT! If someone is LOOKING for something outside of their marriage for WHATEVER reason, they WILL find it ANYWHERE!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> O.k.
> 
> #2. This site specifically advises members that if they want to remain anonymous (all over the web - and most likely mainly anonymous about their joining/using this site to their spouse/SO,) that they should have a user name that cannot be traced back to their real name. This is secretive, and while I understand it's point with regards to security concerning others picking your information up on the web, it does seem to me that this is more related to hiding this info from your spouse/SO (just my opinion - and clearly my user name doesn't relate to my real name, so I'm just as guilty of hiding this from my spouse as anyone else.)


Not really sure where you got this from. I can't speak for anyone else but myself, but IMO the privacy concern is not directed at the spouse, but at other people who may recognize you or other family members. The safety here is that the people helping you are anonymous.



wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> #4. I want to re-word my original question:
> 
> Would you feel betrayed if you thought/believed your marriage was going well. You spend a lot of time with your spouse, you have a very loving relationship, there's a baby on the way, and everything is 'seemingly' going well. You have a small, supposedly 'petty' argument, and suddenly you find out that your spouse/SO has been trashing you on a website similar to this one? Added to that, is the fact that these complete strangers are also trashing you in response to your spouses post, telling your spouse that they should lie to you about where they are and such (as a response to what you have allegedly done/not done in this supposedly 'petty' argument.) Would you not feel betrayed then? Because it seems to me that the spouse/SO is not looking for support, but is looking to find confirmation that he/she is in the 'right,' and in the process is cutting their spouse to pieces in a public (albeit online 'public') space? Would you begin to wonder who your spouse is? Who is this person that would do this to you? Would you lose your trust in them? Would you begin to wonder what else they are saying and/or doing behind your back? Because, as you can probably recognize, that is exactly what I am feeling right at this point.


Venting your thoughts and accepting feedback is good. Sometimes venting those thoughts to your spouse can be detrimental. For example, I've had some ridiculous expectations in my marriage and I have some issues with being too critical. Now I can open up to my husband and hurt him in the process or I can come here, post my struggles, get some feedback, and then make a decision as to whether I am overreacting and need to back off or if I need to confront my husband about it, and if so, how to bring up the issue. 

Yes, some people come here seemingly for validation only, but for the majority, the people here really are looking for answers, for help. Marriage counseling can be expensive. Not everyone can afford it. Not all partners will be willing to work on the issues. That makes this forum ideal for bouncing ideas around, learning from others' mistakes, getting book recommendations, gleaning advice, and getting constructive feedback. 

Did you recently discover your spouse is on this forum and you are angry about it?

It all comes down to why someone visits this site. Are they honestly looking for help, trying to improve their marriage, or are they here just to complain and whine about their spouse? You can tell by the original poster's responses whether they are here for advice or not.

You're struggling whether someone is here for right or wrong reasons?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Betrayed? No. I've never seen her reach out to anything or anyone for help so I would be fascinated in how this is different.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Again, your snide comment misses the POINT! If someone is LOOKING for something outside of their marriage for WHATEVER reason, they WILL find it ANYWHERE!


That was actually the point of my comment...

What makes an advice forum such a horrible thing in your mind? Should your spouse not seek advice or enter into any relationships in which they might be sharing stories of their life? One can assume that visiting a forum for marital advice means they're trying to fix their marriage, not search for someone new.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> You think that your spouse trashing you on a website and having others trash you on a website, equates to your spouse caring about your marriage/relationship?


In that case, I would be so pissed at him  lol
He must really hate me if he did that behind my back and the trust issue will get ruined as he was backstabbing me. And for all I know he could've been continuing doing so for a long time if only haven't I caught him online.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Well, sure, after seeing your rephrase, I suppose I *might* feel betrayed. But then again, women just need to vent sometimes. I like MGirl's explanation that sometimes venting to the spouse can be hurtful. 

Instead of coming in here and hating on us, why not tell your side of the story. Or better yet, let your spouse know (without getting mad) that you are hurt about stumbling upon her posts. 

Although with your apparent dislike for forums, it does make me wonder how you stumbled upon this revelation..... Were you being sneaky and checking up on her online activities?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'd like to see the post where a TAM member recommended that a person lie to their SO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> *I'm not saying this IS a dating site. What I'm saying is that it can BECOME one. * Again, I'm not saying this IS a dating site. You're completely missing the point of what I'm saying.


No, I am not "MISSING" the point. 

You stated that this site could "BECOME a dating site." Your words. Verbatim. 

TAM is not a "dating site" nor is it supposed to "become" one. 

Yes, people here talk a lot about their marriages, hence the name of the website: "Talk about Marriage." 

Most people who come here are on the receiving end of something bad and looking for ways to help their marraige grow or reconcile it or just want feedback about it. 

It's not like people are meeting in cafes to talk smack about their spouses. I get what you're trying to say but all that is coming up is you sounding like you think TAM is a very negative place, a breeding ground for intimacy outside marriage that can lead to "dating" or "affairs."


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> That was actually the point of my comment...
> 
> What makes an advice forum such a horrible thing in your mind? Should your spouse not seek advice or enter into any relationships in which they might be sharing stories of their life? One can assume that visiting a forum for marital advice means they're trying to fix their marriage, not search for someone new.


My original posting regarding this particular aspect (dating sites etc) related to someone else's post about them being happy that their spouse was looking at a site of this nature, and not a dating one. I was just making the comment that just because this is not a 'dating site' doesn't mean that dating/or rather emotional attachment to another individual won't occur. Again, if someone is concerned about their spouse wanting to go outside of the marriage, whether they join a support site or any other site, if they are telling their feelings to people outside of your relationship and not telling you/or giving you a chance to know what's going on, then they are already opting out of the relationship; they're no longer engaging you in the conversation. 

Additionally, just because someone is on this site for 'advice,' doesn't mean they're not on here looking for advice for a way 'out.' Not all people are looking to 'fix' their relationship (although arguably that is 'fixing' it because they no longer want any part of the relationship and both are better off out of it.) 

I honestly don't have a problem with support sites or anything of that ilk. I am just giving an opinion about the possibility that people shouldn't be naive to think that people will only look/find/conduct an affair through a dating site (although it's the most obvious there are plenty of other ways to do it too. Again, this is just my OPINION, which I am entitled to have.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Did not mean to have that 'wink' sign in my last posting. It was actually meant to be a semi-colon, not sure what happened.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is correct. You are entitled to your OPINION as everyone else is.

My OPINION is that this isn't a dating site nor is it meant to BECOME one. 

It's a support/advice form.

90% of the folks here want to save/restore their marriage. There may be 10% taht don't want their marriage but they say so in their first post. They are the rarities here.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> Well, sure, after seeing your rephrase, I suppose I *might* feel betrayed. But then again, women just need to vent sometimes. I like MGirl's explanation that sometimes venting to the spouse can be hurtful.
> 
> Instead of coming in here and hating on us, why not tell your side of the story. Or better yet, let your spouse know (without getting mad) that you are hurt about stumbling upon her posts.
> 
> Although with your apparent dislike for forums, it does make me wonder how you stumbled upon this revelation..... Were you being sneaky and checking up on her online activities?


What makes you think I'm male? 

Secondly, I'm not 'hating' on anyone. I don't have any problem with anyone here at all. I am personally looking for advice myself. I don't have any problem with anyone searching/looking for advice for their relationship; that's what I'm doing right at this present point. 

I am in a position where I feel betrayed and have lost my trust in my SO. I am wondering what other people feel about this issue, and it interests me to know what people on here think about my position. I'm not criticizing anyone for their views or their viewpoints. I'm just making clear observations from my own point of view.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> 90% of the folks here want to save/restore their marriage. There may be 10% taht don't want their marriage but they say so in their first post. They are the rarities here.


:iagree:


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That is correct. You are entitled to your OPINION as everyone else is.
> 
> My OPINION is that this isn't a dating site nor is it meant to BECOME one.
> 
> ...


Good to know. I'm glad that is the case and not vice versa. Again, and people seem to have gotten the real WRONG end of the stick where my post is concerned. I do not consider this site to be a 'dating' site, nor do I think it's meant to become one. I am just making an observation that people make connections anywhere.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Did not mean to have that 'wink' sign in my last posting. It was actually meant to be a semi-colon, not sure what happened.


You were flirting with me on a site meant to save marriage, that's what happened. 

I kid, I kid. 

I don't think anyone would disagree that finding an affair partner on a site like this is possible. I think many of us assume the majority of people who visit this site have similar intentions, to fix their marriage. I'm sure there have been and will be people looking to start a relationship. I like to think they are few and far between, though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Again, and people seem to have gotten the real WRONG end of the stick where my post is concerned.


Perhaps you didn't articulate yourself well enough. 

People can connect anywhere, that much is true. But that isn't the point of this forum/website. Most people here are hurting and/or trying to get over the hurt/working toward a better future.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Perhaps you didn't articulate yourself well enough.
> 
> People can connect anywhere, that much is true. But that isn't the point of this forum/website. Most people here are hurting and/or trying to get over the hurt/working toward a better future.


Yes, I probably didn't articulate my reasoning well enough in the first instance. I am also a part of the picture of being 'most' people (here, hurting, and wanting advice.) I think my particular post hits a nerve with people because it pertains to my SO being on a site similar to this, and saying things about me that just aren't fair or true. I'm trying to see whether my perspective and feelings of betrayal are flawed, and that maybe I'm overreacting. However, it's hurt me so much that I just don't know who this person is anymore. It's so out of character, that I'm beginning to wonder what else he's been doing online that's also 'out of character.'


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Would you feel betrayed if you thought/believed your marriage was going well. You spend a lot of time with your spouse, you have a very loving relationship, there's a baby on the way, and everything is 'seemingly' going well. You have a small, supposedly 'petty' argument, and suddenly you find out that your spouse/SO has been trashing you on a website similar to this one? Added to that, is the fact that these complete strangers are also trashing you in response to your spouses post, telling your spouse that they should lie to you about where they are and such (as a response to what you have allegedly done/not done in this supposedly 'petty' argument.) Would you not feel betrayed then?


I would say alarmed more than betrayed. My take away would be more like

- Why did my spouse and I have such wildly different understandings of how big a deal the "petty" argument was? If spouse is on here trashing me, it obviously wasn't petty to him.

- How do I set effective limits on trash talking. 


- Why did my spouse choose to seek advice on the internet rather than through me. (And is the fact that I think the argument is "petty" part of the reason.




> Because it seems to me that the spouse/SO is not looking for support, but is looking to find confirmation that he/she is in the 'right,' and in the process is cutting their spouse to pieces in a public (albeit online 'public') space?


This is a very common desire. I don't think it is all that common an outcome however. I think a lot of people seek "help" in the form of forums and counseling when what they really want is can someone please fix the other guy. Many of us give a LOT of advice that things don't work that way.




> Would you begin to wonder who your spouse is? Who is this person that would do this to you? Would you lose your trust in them? Would you begin to wonder what else they are saying and/or doing behind your back? Because, as you can probably recognize, that is exactly what I am feeling right at this point.


That sucks! 

But no I would not feel those things. 

Have you / would you like to post your point of view?


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Ordinarily I would like to post my point of view, and maybe go into my relationship issues in more detail. However, I don't feel comfortable doing so, because I'm afraid it will present him in a severely negative light. I am of the opinion that I don't trash or rag on my SO in public, no matter what. I am loyal to my SO, and wouldn't want to really open everything up, because if I do, I know what people will tell me: you're in a bad situation, you really need to get out. I know rationally and intellectually that I am in a bad situation, and that I should probably have gotten out of it years ago, but I thought loving someone would be enough. I thought being 'in love' was enough to keep our relationship strong. Regrettably and naively, that's not the case. I'm an isolated individual, with no family or friends nearby (we're talking thousands of miles away in another country,) and no job. I am 100% dependent on my SO and he has a controlling nature - not that he will ever admit to it. We've been to therapy, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Now he's trashing me on a website, and I feel even more isolated.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Ordinarily I would like to post my point of view, and maybe go into my relationship issues in more detail. However, I don't feel comfortable doing so, because I'm afraid it will present him in a severely negative light. I am of the opinion that I don't trash or rag on my SO in public, no matter what.


So where does that leave you? You are going to value your loyalty over your need for help? That leaves you an unhappy martyr it seems to me.



> I am loyal to my SO, and wouldn't want to really open everything up, because if I do, I know what people will tell me: you're in a bad situation, you really need to get out.


So... you know what you need to do. But you don't want to hear it? 

It is possible that people will have other ideas. For instance, if there is an issue with infidelity, there are people who have advice on how to help your spouse out of their magical thinking (aka "fog") and back to work on your marriage.





> I know rationally and intellectually that I am in a bad situation, and that I should probably have gotten out of it years ago, but I thought loving someone would be enough.


Common mistake.



> I thought being 'in love' was enough to keep our relationship strong. Regrettably and naively, that's not the case. I'm an isolated individual, with no family or friends nearby (we're talking thousands of miles away in another country,) and no job. I am 100% dependent on my SO and he has a controlling nature - not that he will ever admit to it.


No controlling person ever SEES themselves that way. They think it is the right way to be.

Can you do some reading on setting limits or boundaries in a relationship?




> We've been to therapy, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Now he's trashing me on a website, and I feel even more isolated.


So given what you have given us:

- You are in an undefined bad situation. 
- You are completely isolated.
- You are dependent on him financially. 
- Your husband is "controlling".
- YOU have been to therapy but not marriage counseling.


So thought 1:
He is abusing you. You are still in defensive posture where it is your fault/job to appease him. He is trashing you because he needs to feel superior to you in order to continue to abuse you.

Thought 2:
He is not abusing you, but it is hard to know what the "bad situation" would be.

If thought 1, get yourself onto a crisis hot line. Or to a shelter. You don't have to be ready to leave. But they can help you plan an exit strategy.

In any event, you should sit yourself down and solve the reliant on him and isolation issues. Start trying to make friends. Presumably he works, so you can be out and about during the day. 

Also what can you tell us about what you would need to do to get financially independent. Do you have kids?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I would LOVE if my husband sought help for our relationship in any way shape or form. Whether it be a book, website, dvd, whatever.

I'd much rather that than his whole dig my head in the sand approach.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Wishing... one other possibility, is there any truth the "trashing" you are seeing on the other site? Is it possible that your petty is not his petty?


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Financial independence: not an option right now. Pregnant and due sooner rather than later. 

Additionally, work (like most people around the globe right now) is nigh on impossible to find - literally sent out 100's of resumes with no response. Childcare would be costly, so much so that any job I'm able to find would likely pay me less than the childcare would cost. No family or friends nearby to help out to look after the child for free either, so stuck in this situation. Only option, which is what I've always really considered my only way out, is to go back to my home country where I have family, better likelihood of a job (b/c I was educated there and have work/career contacts there,) and have friends. Seems like the most rational option, but only after I'm no longer pregnant. 

Is it possible my 'petty' is not his 'petty.' Possibly, but realistically because of his tendency to control, nothing is ever 'petty' in his mind. He tends to feel entitled to his behavior and feelings no matter what the topic is. His behavior is thus: screaming, yelling, throwing tantrums, breaking things, being physically threatening towards me (although he hasn't touched me....yet,) and this occurs regardless of the topic, as long as he feels 'wronged' by me in some way (whatever that might be) he behaves like that and feels completely justified in it. Additionally, he interrupts me when I try to speak/get my point across, doesn't hear me when I apologize (which is all the damn time,) takes half sentences I haven't finished or just words I've said at the beginning of a sentence, and turns them into something negative and begins shouting about that as well. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, never hears me when I tell him if he doesn't stop doing this/doesn't address this issue, then I'm not going to be able to stand it for much longer. I've told him over and over again that it's unacceptable and abusive to treat me so disrespectfully, but he thinks that I treat him with no respect. I'm pregnant and he screams his head off at me, throws things and gets completely out of control where his temper is concerned, and says that I'm not respecting him! Where's the irony in that!?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Financial independence: not an option right now. Pregnant and due sooner rather than later.


No, not right now. It is likely that you are in the situation to lay foundation for long term plans. Maybe no quick fixes here.

UNLESS you are being abused. You WILL get help from the local shelter.



> Additionally, work (like most people around the globe right now) is nigh on impossible to find - literally sent out 100's of resumes with no response.


Huh. And I JUST got a job. I hear you. It is not easy. But don't give up. Your spirit probably needs a boost. 



> Childcare would be costly, so much so that any job I'm able to find would likely pay me less than the childcare would cost. No family or friends nearby to help out to look after the child for free either, so stuck in this situation. Only option, which is what I've always really considered my only way out, is to go back to my home country where I have family, better likelihood of a job (b/c I was educated there and have work/career contacts there,) and have friends. Seems like the most rational option, but only after I'm no longer pregnant.
> 
> Is it possible my 'petty' is not his 'petty.' Possibly, but realistically because of his tendency to control, nothing is ever 'petty' in his mind. He tends to feel entitled to his behavior and feelings no matter what the topic is. His behavior is thus: screaming, yelling, throwing tantrums, breaking things, being physically threatening towards me (although he hasn't touched me....yet,) and this occurs regardless of the topic, as long as he feels 'wronged' by me in some way (whatever that might be) he behaves like that and feels completely justified in it. Additionally, he interrupts me when I try to speak/get my point across, doesn't hear me when I apologize (which is all the damn time,) takes half sentences I haven't finished or just words I've said at the beginning of a sentence, and turns them into something negative and begins shouting about that as well. He doesn't listen to anything I have to say, never hears me when I tell him if he doesn't stop doing this/doesn't address this issue, then I'm not going to be able to stand it for much longer. I've told him over and over again that it's unacceptable and abusive to treat me so disrespectfully, but he thinks that I treat him with no respect. I'm pregnant and he screams his head off at me, throws things and gets completely out of control where his temper is concerned, and says that I'm not respecting him! Where's the irony in that!?


So 
- effective limit/boundary setting lessons

MARRIAGE counseling.


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## wishing-I-wasn't-here (May 4, 2011)

Spirit not only needs a boost, but a rocket to the damn moon! My self-esteem is somewhere deep underground where no one can really find it. Quite frankly it's been whittled down over the years, to the point where I wish I'd never got married to this man in the first place. I'm not the person I was when I met him; feel like I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I have to take responsibility for my own decisions and actions (I made the decision to be here.) But if only I knew what I know now, I would definitely not be here, and probably would never have married him in the first place. Resentment has slowly, over the years, crept into my soul and it's a problem.

I agree with you about marriage counseling, something he will probably be happy to do. I'm fearful of all the baggage and problems it will bring up though - like opening a huge can of worms. He's not very good at letting things go, and I can imagine his behavior after every session - screaming, shouting, behaving aggressively. I'm not sure how productive it will end up being. He's been to therapy to work on his anger, he's been in therapy for years - still didn't make a difference to him. I've been in therapy, to try to work on my issues too. I just hate the idea of having to face/talk about all of this in front of him (considering his reaction to everything, I think that's probably a normal response,) although I know marriage counseling is probably the right option.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

wishing-I-wasn't-here said:


> Spirit not only needs a boost, but a rocket to the damn moon! My self-esteem is somewhere deep underground where no one can really find it.


Were you able to get any help with that in the last therapy you undertook?

Self esteem has several areas. Two are 
- being
- accomplishment

If your self esteem has been too rooted in accomplishment or lack thereof, it is easy to hear discouraging words and have them negatively affect your self esteem. Wise parents seek to make sure children have a good foundation in the self esteem of existence. You have value because you are. Period. From there you can bring forth the personal motivation to achieve those things you want to achieve.

If your parents were unaware of the way self esteem works, and many of us are, then you may have to ... well raise yourself up anew. 

I don't know what tools there are out there for learning how to love and appreciate yourself. But I think that might be the cornerstone of your self esteem development.

One thing I do suspect might be helpful to you would be the peace and introspection found in learning about mindfulness and perhaps yoga.






> Quite frankly it's been whittled down over the years, to the point where I wish I'd never got married to this man in the first place. I'm not the person I was when I met him; feel like I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I have to take responsibility for my own decisions and actions (I made the decision to be here.) But if only I knew what I know now, I would definitely not be here, and probably would never have married him in the first place. Resentment has slowly, over the years, crept into my soul and it's a problem.


Yes that is challenging to unbury yourself from. Perhaps THIS would be the best goal of your future counseling.



> I agree with you about marriage counseling, something he will probably be happy to do. I'm fearful of all the baggage and problems it will bring up though - like opening a huge can of worms. He's not very good at letting things go, and I can imagine his behavior after every session - screaming, shouting, behaving aggressively.


Yes I can imagine that would be a fear worth having. But then nothing ventured, nothing gained. Being pregnant and with few employment options, as you noted, being on your own is not in the cards right now. AND one has to imagine that you loved this man at one time. You made vows. As did he.

He may need help growing up. You may as well, fixing whatever has shattered of your self esteem. But maybe he is a broken guy who needs a woman to lead the way. (I am by no means sure. He may be a worthless sack of meal. Only you can make that judgment.)




> I'm not sure how productive it will end up being. He's been to therapy to work on his anger, he's been in therapy for years - still didn't make a difference to him. I've been in therapy, to try to work on my issues too. I just hate the idea of having to face/talk about all of this in front of him (considering his reaction to everything, I think that's probably a normal response,) although I know marriage counseling is probably the right option.


Would it be safer for you to discuss in the presence of someone else in front of whom he would be embarrassed to act out?


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