# So I wrote a letter to my wife.



## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Have not yet been married two years and the relationship has changed so much and there is a lot of hurt. Basically I have been lied to about a sexual relationship before me that her best friend disowned her for which was when I came around. Not to say what she did with him matters to me but the fact she lied about it. At one point I felt so neglected I thought about having an affair and before doing so I told her about my thoughts. Just because I was getting to a point of my soul tearing apart. This happened over half a year ago. I found out two nights ago she went snooping on my computer after I told her my thoughts. So now I have been lied to , she has no faith in me , and I am still neglected. I work fulltime and go to school fulltime. I do all this for a hopeful better future for us which was a part of our vision. I enjoy going out but any time I'm not exhausted she doesn't feel like it. She is still holding resentment towards my confession about thinking about having an affair and even says she was ready to leave me thr night I admitted it. I really need some advice/help. Wife isn't sure she wants to be married or to me anymore. Not sure she wants an us. 
I wrote her a note on how I felt pretty much when we started dating up until now. Heck I even broke down talking to her mom today who btw loves me as if I was her own. She knew nothing about the current events (i.e. wife didn't go to her mom for advice). I know I have my faults and I can admit them and whole heartedly say I'm working on them. But what if my faults are my defense mechanism to what all is going on in our relationship. In my letter I told her I needed to know she was on board with working our problems out. But I feel so hurt that at one point today I wondered if she changed the locks or packed up and left due to her having the day off. Anywho need some advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Calm down and breathe deep. No matter what happens, you'll survive. Does she work?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Yes she does.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you feel neglected? Does she pay attention to you or does she still go out like a single person? Explain your marriage better. I don't see why a lie is a reason for the marriage to end.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not getting why her not being forthcoming about a relationship BEFORE she was with you even matters. My H doesn't have a name by name list of who I had slept with before him and what was done. I don't have one from him either. Don't really see any point in it. 

Of course if you told her you were thinking about having an affair she is going to get on the computer and check things out. In her mind she probably wanted to see if you already had or if you had gotten on some sights to start the process. Its never okay to go out and cheat, so a better admission would have been to tell her you want therapy or that you aren't happy and want to talk about options. Not to flat out come out with "hey I thought about cheating". 

Sit down, talk about therapy and talk about wants and needs from each other. I can totally see why she would have no faith in you after this, and that is something that will have to be worked on together. Best of luck.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I am not getting why her not being forthcoming about a relationship BEFORE she was with you even matters. My H doesn't have a name by name list of who I had slept with before him and what was done. I don't have one from him either. Don't really see any point in it.
> 
> Of course if you told her you were thinking about having an affair she is going to get on the computer and check things out. In her mind she probably wanted to see if you already had or if you had gotten on some sights to start the process. Its never okay to go out and cheat, so a better admission would have been to tell her you want therapy or that you aren't happy and want to talk about options. Not to flat out come out with "hey I thought about cheating".
> 
> Sit down, talk about therapy and talk about wants and needs from each other. I can totally see why she would have no faith in you after this, and that is something that will have to be worked on together. Best of luck.


It was not about a relationship she had before me. It was that relationship caused unnecessary drama with some of her friends when I became involved with her. See I didn't know why they treated me badly even though they knew nothing of me. I understand why she went behind me. But I think all she heard was "I was having thoughts about an affair". Not the " I've been feeling neglected to the point I was having thoughts about having an affair". Yes we need therapy and I am the proponent for that. 
Since she has read the letter , we have been working on things. Spending more time doing quality things together then being on each side of the trenches. And btw I knew she wasn't a virgin when we began dating and neither myself. That was never the point in question just more so the fact a lie over nothing became involved.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ah, I see. Is the lie about the prior relationship something you can get over and move past???

An easy way around this, since she is having trust issues with you is to suggest that you both have access to all of each others stuff. My H and I both have access to each others emails, even work ones, cell phone, etc. He had an A, but in the spirit of making everything fair I agreed that he should be able to see my stuff too. Makes things a lot less stressful on that level.

I suggest this a lot, only because it has worked for me in many situations. Make a nice dinner, sit down together and talk to each other about things that you used to do that aren't being done now. Holding hands, sitting together and watching shows, sexual wants, etc. Talk about it all and tell her how much you need her back in your life, but you need her back and wanting to be there. 

I know what point you are at, where you feel like roommates and that you aren't really even sure why you are there. The H and I have been there too. That closeness is gone, and the feeling of being needed is nowhere to be found. Writing the letter was an awesome thing to do, and I think if you can have this nice dinner where she can talk about everything with you, and vice versa then maybe more things will start falling into place. But don't be shy either. Be able to tell her exactly what you need to be happy!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Wel thank you Dawn for your reply. I am over what she has done before me but I can't say I trust her now that I know she can lie to me about nothing. If it was something I can understand that. 
But I have bad news.I am a total mess right now. Last night I was trying to figure out what was going on with my Iphone and Itunes (Ilove music and work with headphones on and most of the activities I do with music). Anyways I go looking for her Iphone to try and figure what is going on with mine. Only I can't find it..... anywhere. Not her purse , computer desk , nightstand, kitchen counter, or even bathroom counter. This made me a little suspicious. So today I had the horrible thought of checking our phone history ; since it is in my name and I bought all the damn things. Well I found out she has tons and tons of texts to a guy who she works with and what I believe is one of her coworker's sons. They begin at 5 am and dont stop till 8 sometimes 9 pm. The thing is they are constant like 1 mi9n after the other. Normally if I text my wife I don't usually expect a reply for an hour or two.Even after the letter the only affection between us is usually done by myself. Knowing that she has plenty of time to text while at work (which from what she has told me is against the rules) makes me feel even more damaged. So I had to go home today. My job requires a lot of thoughts all of the time. I deal with numbers but not an accountant. Right now I just feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Oh and btw I do spend as much time as I can with her. I cook for her . I am working on doing more housework by myself and with her. Hell I even came up with the idea of walking her puppy every day. I am there for her but don't think that thought is reversed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you want to stay married? No one would hold it against you if you give up on a cheater. But it's up to you. If you decide to stay, I advise you to snoop longer - install a keylogger on her computer, print out the phone records and keep them outside your house, put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car - and gather the evidence. Once you have it, get the contact information for the other man - his parents, siblings, etc. - and your wife's family and friends, and sit down and call all of them at at one time. Ask for help. Expose the affair. 

When she gets mad, and she will, calmly tell her your marriage can't survive a third person. That, if she is willing to cut off all contact with this person, you are willing to stay married to her. But you will have to have access to all her passwords, you'll have to know where she is, etc. until she has gained back your trust.

YOU have to do this from a position of power - not of fear of losing her. You already lost her; but you can get her back. If YOU stay strong. Women respond best to strength in men, not weakness. This is your best shot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Carefulthoughts said:


> Oh and btw I do spend as much time as I can with her. I cook for her . I am working on doing more housework by myself and with her. Hell I even came up with the idea of walking her puppy every day. I am there for her but don't think that thought is reversed.


 This is good, but you need to know first what she DOES care about. If domestic support isn't one of her top needs, she won't give a flip if you mop the floor. But if conversation is in her top 5, and you aren't asking her about her day, she'll be pissed at you. See how that works?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well she came home and I asked to see her phone which she has been hiding. Yep sure enough coworker's son. And she knew what I was looking at and why. She feels its her friend yet she doesn't really know him. He hates his mom and she likes his mom. Everythign good in life is given to other people other then me. I get to work pay bills and one day eventually die. She knew I would be angry. I was so angry I admit I broke boith our phones , dented the hood of my truck and have a hole now in the master bathroom wall. I was so angry and hurt; I still am. She keeps going back to the day I admitted I thought about having an affair. Thats her only point. Not that I matter or how I feel matters. She is hung up . I think its due to previous relationships. She walked out with about 2 days worth of clothes . Her dog and her cat. I dont know what to do. Change locks , call an attorney , or just sit here like a deer in headlights. Honestly I know the hurt feeling so much I like it. This whole world could catch a fire and I would be subtely ok with it. I am not sure if its because I have once again been totally crushed or what.
I want my wife and marriage but I don't want the wife I have been having. I want the woman I married.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly if it were me, I would be changing the locks and calling an attorney and calling her to tell her its either counseling or divorce. All communication stops with other men, or its the latter of the two. 

I wouldn't be too sympathetic and I wouldn't call begging her to come back, or even asking her. I would be blunt and tell her she hurt you, she is in the wrong and that when she's ready to talk she can give you a call. Meanwhile she can find her own place to stay. You have already given so much in the relationship it doesn't seem like there is anything else left to give!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stay strong. She's pouting, and waiting for you to apologize and kiss up to her. You tell HER what YOU will require to take her back - no contact, total transparency, etc. Otherwise, let her stay out there and flounder and see how brown the grass really is.

That said, you really have to control your temper. You did yourself NO good. YOU have to be the adult here, ok?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Thank you for both the replies. I am normally not an angry person. I normally let a ton of **** slide cause I know what happens when I get to that point and that is with personal and non personal relationships. I don't want to be angry plain and simple . But my god if she didn't hit that nerve between the eyes. I think its because when she comes home she is mopy and "tired". But looking at her phone record she is constantly texting. Hell I would probably be tired to. She is trying to get a coworker fired from spending too much time on the phone..... yea uh huh. Anywho Ill wait to see what she wants but she is going to have to understand what I want. Which is a wife who isn't too hard press to show me some affections without my having to be the one to initiate. Sex more often then maybe once a month. Reading that last sentence makes me laugh to myself. People in their 20s being intimate maybe once a month. Sigh where are all the good feelings at? =(


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm over 50 and we still have at least twice a week. Don't let women tell you that's too much. That's a personal choice, not biology.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well I got a call yesterday at work about 1pm ish. She wanted to know if I mind her getting some of her things. I said I didn't mind but wait till I could make it there. I immediately called the police to have them there and apparently she wasn't 2 miles away from the house sitting with them. So I immediately left work and came home. Driving through the pouring rain. Get home and no one is here. No wife and no cops. So i called and apparently they couldn't wait on me so cops left and she started to go back to work. 

So now I had to wait outside my house for over an hour waiting on her and them. I even called the police back. So now there I was waiting for her and them and when she got there it wasn't just getting some personal things it was most of her stuff. Took a few hours. All I did was take notes on what she took and the officers names. I ended up talking to the officers about all sorts of stuff it took so long.

I feel a little better today. But I am going to have to reduce down some of my bills immediately so I can now take on the house note which is about the same much as all the bills for the home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rent out a room.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

No don't think I am going to do that. My mom whom I have been paying to have a cellphone and even bought her dusty butt an iphone has said she will pay that. Cause I carried her on it for so long. I am busy canceling excessive things like the extended cable and home phone that I never wanted. Also renegotiating my cell contract so its more affordable. My boss and the coworkers who know whats going on understand , so have been in my shoes. If I need more hours at work they will give them to me. I WILL make it through this. I have been through worse. I know its going to hurt but I WILL be better at the finish line. Just hope I can not hold this against others in the future. I took a lot of time to get pass the hurts I had previous in life to not hold them against my wife. When we got together she got a man with no hang ups. Just someone who wanted forever. PS ty again for all the replies. This is really helping me out.


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