# Infidelity & Separation



## Tainted Halo (Jun 14, 2012)

My story is a bit different both my husband and I have cheated on each other, it started with me and ended with him. I have been clean for a few years now but H not so much lets just say he's had quite a bit more partners than I have ever to recent. I was up to having an open marriage with him meaning he do his thing and I do mine which we were both agreed. However a specific woman that he had intercourse from his work location has and still is in contact with him apparently from some photos I've come across they posed as an actual couple and she's been texting/calling him every day and so my H is engaging also in communication. 

I could not deal to think of him having a relationship with this woman but wanted to be married to me.. so we both decided to call it quits cause he did not want to stop his communication with this person. H agreed he help out financially once I got on my feet during the separation. However just a few days before moving to his new job location at a different state I wanted to work things out just seem stupid to end this cause of some woman, but.. I keep the "Lets see how things work out" and is not sure if he is in love with me but loves me if that makes sense. Yes I do love and care for this man he's the father of my kids and my first love. I tried asking about counseling he said no. I pleaded to give us another change and lets really work it out. So my children and I are to live an apartment and H with his dad.. he not ready to come and live with us so he says. I just feel that this whole thing is a loss no matter how hard I try to work this out I believe in the small time frame H has been talking to this OW he has changed immensely. He also calls me desperate cause I want to safe our marriage. I'm just about given up and saying f**k it! Please don't judge until you have walked in my shoes


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Ok, I'll give you the short and sweet advice I could type volumes about. Listen up carefully!

Stop chasing him and trying to make this work. Your going to keep fighting because what you want conflicts with what he wants, and he'll just think you're trying to change his mind which will make him resent you all that much more. You're going to need to let him go for the time being and pull away, you're still going to be too emotionally hurt to hear from him often.... sit on it for a few weeks and think things through.

Did I mention how you're going to want to fight? You're going to want to pick fights over his decision to leave and try to manipulate him to prefer spending time with you. Again don't do this! Resist the temptation to argue with him or try to change his mind. You really don't want to give him fuel to hate you.... and it's not him you have to worry about, it's the OW using any your betrayed anxiety moments to put you down and make herself look better.

it is of the upmost importance that you prevent yourself from defending his hurtful actions at this time and disqualify him as the perfect man for you. This is not to try to get you to move on but will help you to stop chasing him and leave him be for the time being. He left you for an office bimbo after all.... there ya go that's one! 

For the first few weeks you need to keep reminding yourself of how f*cked up his attitude his and re-evaluate your personal boundaries he is not allowed to cross. For instance he must not be allowed to come crying to you or use you as a last minute booty call when the OW won't give it to him. Likewise you must never complain to him or confide anything you don't want getting back to the OW. You better believe she will keep trying to compare herself to you and get him to commit, which won't happen.

I want you to be aware that your marriage could very well end some time soon, but that doesn't mean he will be out of your life forever..... maybe temporarily but not permanently. The average affair lasts for 2-4 years (Hein) and ends after the sex dies and there's nothing to fall back on. The OW has filled his head with so much b*ll**** about how perfect she will be and will keep trying to put up that act for as long as she can, but it's just that, an act. 

Within about a year or two they'll get sick of humping like bunnies and go through the same fights you two had, except there will be an issue of distrust over the charade melting away and the wonder if either of them will ever cheat. Not to mention the pain that occurs from divorce and the general distrust of marrying again. The OW may pressure him and dream about it but it either won't happen or won't end well.

BTW I am not by any means going to judge you for your affairs. You made a mistake and owned up to it and seem like you learned more about yourself. FYI my wife also cheated and left me for "just a friend" she barely knew. As hurt as I was by this I know this immature kid could never replace me no matter how hard he tries and his days as the exciting OM are numbered. 

You're going to want to blame yourself and beat yourself up, but just focus on how much you did for him that the OW can't replace. You had a lot of firsts together that she wishes she had and you had his children. You forgave him for his issues and accepted him for the good and the bad you grew to know and love. You already know the surprises she's in for..... maybe if you're lucky she can fix him, lol. I defy you to tell me you're not the better woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is the OW married?

At this point, putting pressure on the affair is one of the best things you can do. Them being able to be together without you there is pressure.. not she has to meet all of his needs.. and visa versa. when this affair started you were still meeting many of his needs. Having this sort of pressure on the affair is acutally very good for breaking it up.

If she is married, let her husband know about the affair.

I would suggest that you file for divorce. Remember that a divorce can be stopped anytime before it's final. And you can ever be remarried after its' final. 

The idea of filing right now would be to put pressure on him to have to pay child support, have the children part of the time. He might even have to pay you support. Splitting assets is a lot of pressure as well.

All of this financial strain on him will hurt the affair. It makes the reality of life hit him between the eyes and it makes the affair much less fun for her.


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## Tainted Halo (Jun 14, 2012)

Thanks ya'll for the insight does help a lot and Elegirl the OW is not married but a single 23 year old. She doesn't live in the same state as we do as we have moved a few days ago, but who's to say that H won't fly her up here. Either way I feel that this whole rebound thing H has going for this chick well blow up when she gets to know the real him.


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## Tainted Halo (Jun 14, 2012)

@ Nsweet, I am the better woman no matter what the OW tells my H she will never be me or the mother of our kids that is so true. H says the OW is nice and I believe he likes her attitude which is opposite from me (meaning I'm not a ***** but I don't sit there and take bull **** and will lash out type of person) that's why I think he is attracted to her or whatever. In end of his rebound he'll be the one getting the reality check.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm glad you're beginning to see the arrogance of their affair. This one seems like it started with a bang and is well on it's way to self destruction. Count your lucky stars they weren't long time friends first and don't know much about each other, other than the charade of perfection they put on. Even if the OW was someone who pursued him for years and established a great deal of comfort beforehand there's a lot they wouldn't know about each other and distrust, false promise, regrets, etc.

Let's face it, jumping into commitment and saying "I love you!" before you even know the person is just putting a blind horse before the carriage in a mind field of overlooked red flags. Wayward spouses seem to want to qualify the AP as truly perfect from the get go and displace all their affection for someone who only mirrors the attractive qualities they're looking for. Couples generally present themselves a certain way in courting anyways, but AP's keep this act up for longer and have to keep it up to keep the WS's interest from fading and causing them any regrets. They're ride that roller coaster at some point, but the distraction keeps them from facing reality and the romance keeps them entangled.

LOL, I hope she didn't lie about enjoying depraved sexual acts because she's going to have to keep them up for a while. Best BJ he's ever going to get will be when she thinks she's taken him from you. That will be the first thing to go!... And I hope he didn't spoil her with too much attention and gifts. Yeah, we men love clingy spoiled princesses who use sex as a weapon. Source: About half a dozen ex gfs I was glad to be rid of.

EleGirl covered something I forgot to mention, the whole principle of the AP only meeting a few needs (His Needs: Her Needs - Harley) is absolutely true. Right now he's getting affection and excitement from her and about a dozen different needs from you. I know there's only ten but I extended these to cover some other needs not covered in the book that were seen here. What most recommend is allowing the WS all the space they need to pursue a relationship with the AP. Most of the time affairs will break down without you there to comfort your spouse, but it may happen a few years after divorce when the AP's luster has fully worn off. 

This is only because the AP will keep them excited romantically for as long as possible and try to out do you and rewrite your the WS's history, but at the same time the AP will not want to hear any positive memories your H had with you... Remember that they're constantly holding onto that bubble to keep the WS interested and the OW is jealous of his past relationship with you. You can only imagine how badly this will fail for either of them once he or she gets clingy and needy for the other one who's set boundaries first and pulled away. They made the mistake of following the heart and knowing better than everyone else so you can bet they know nothing of the 180 or anything about how healthy relationships cycle and fluctuate. 

If it helps you at all to know to hear about success stories I have a few. I met a man working at the post office who recognized my D papers and told me his story of losing his wife to another man. He too was blamed for everything and gaslighted into believing it. He said his wife left him and married the OM about a year after divorce. Seven long years later she contacted him and told him how mistaken she was, that she had given up on a great guy. Before I left he said that his wife was beaten almost daily by the OM and he broke a few bones. The've been married now for 11 years.

I also met a woman who was crushed when her husband left her for a secretary ten years younger. After divorce OW pressured him to marry her all the time and pitched a fit whenever he spent time with his kids because she was jealous of his ex wife. He told OW he would marry her one day but wanted to wait until he got a promotion and could give her a better life and pay spousal and child support. So the OW pressured him into taking on more responsibility at work and put in a good word for him with all his bosses. He got his promotion and didn't propose. He spent that money buying things his kids and ex wife desperately needed but couldn't afford. When the OW found out she became so clingy and emotionally abusive that he dumped her and started spending more time with his kids. He and his ex wife fell in love with each other and they remarried a few years later. They had been married for over twenty years when I met her.

Here is a link for a great book that should help you with any codependency issues. Though, I warn you to be careful... you can't do anything to attract your H back until after the fog lifts and he starts to question the affair.
Why Men Love *****es: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a R (download torrent) - TPB


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## Tainted Halo (Jun 14, 2012)

No he never purchased her gifts or anything. H never mentioned that we were moving to another state till a few days before we left and the OW threw a ***** fit at his job location.. but after a couple of days H engaged in reconnecting with her via text/cell calls. So I know already this is a start of it going sour. And I know I shouldn't but I check our cell records and I see H calling the OW more often than the OW does all sorts of hours when we are apart (waiting to get into an apartment so we are living together at H's apartment) I use to get really sad and feel unwanted but now I just sit back and laugh cause sooner or later OW will grow tired of him being clingy and trying to fill the void that H has. But I will look into that book as soon as I figure how to download Torrent files I'm using Rapid share


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Unfortunately it's very common for a WS to come back to "work on the relationship" during an affair only to leave and reconnect shortly after. This has nothing to do with you and it's not you're fault. At that time the AP still seems very exciting and the withdraw from that attention is too great to pass up. There's nothing you can do but let the baby have his bottle and let them grow apart naturally.

She threw a b!tch fit as his work.... and he was the one to call her? You say he's chasing her more than she is? Yeah, this is going to end shortly. I can safely predict that he is going to keep chasing her and stop being a challenge all together. In time she'll want nothing to do with him because he rolls over every time they have disagreement and kisses her @$$. 

One fatal flaw in affairs is that they spend so much time chasing and planning their fantasy that when they're finally together they move at break-neck speeds and wear out the excitement. Remember what mamma always said about taking it slow and making him earn it? They ignore all that advice and chase the high until it's gone. Must be like visiting an amusement park every single day for months on end. 

You've go the right idea about checking your H's story, it may not seem like the right thing to do in a romantic relationship, but trusting your instincts in never wrong. You're going to have some trust issues with him for a while and it's better to be cautious than rug sweep to soon and let him get away with the same lies again. I can't encourage you enough to read a few books on body language and lie detection. They are worth the trouble trying to understand them trust me.

About that book.... For windows you may need to download media get when prompted. You just click on 'download this torrent' and then agree to it in media get, a minute or two later you'll have it. I've only skimmed through a couple chapters and it looked pretty good. It's all about remaining a challenge and breaking codependency. I believe it's even more important to work on yourself and stay attractive and a challenge in a relationship. Your spouse will appreciate you all that more when they know you're charming hot stuff but choose them.


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

Regardless of the effort your husband is or is not making in working to save your marriage, you can strengthen your own efforts in committing to salvaging the relationship.

You may have already been pulling double-duty in terms of giving your marriage everything you’ve got. Now, if you want to save your marriage, you may need to draw on your inner reserves of strength and give a little bit more.

No one can decide for you what your relationship is worth, and what measures you’ll go to in order to save it. But if you feel strongly about saving your relationship, the resolve in deciding that you’re committed to do so will help you feel empowered.

Hope this helps.


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## Tainted Halo (Jun 14, 2012)

lisa1975 said:


> Regardless of the effort your husband is or is not making in working to save your marriage, you can strengthen your own efforts in committing to salvaging the relationship.
> 
> You may have already been pulling double-duty in terms of giving your marriage everything you’ve got. Now, if you want to save your marriage, you may need to draw on your inner reserves of strength and give a little bit more.
> 
> ...


I have been trying suggested that we go to counseling and stbxh said no his words were "Why pay someone who's going to tell me what I know already" The more we discuss about the situation he gets mad keeps saying why do I insist of discussing the same things over and over and I tell him to analyze and work on what the problem is. I know some of is to do with my *****y attitude which I'm working on but he to can be an ******* which results in my behavior. 

At this moment I'm not feeling he wants to work at it as his mind is evolved with an emotional affair with the OW. I've already said if you want to put some effort into the situation so I dunno. Counting my days to get the f**k out of the same living relations as him.


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