# It's Another Sex Question for Women - Please Help



## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I agreed to divorce (I asked), but almost immediately, she asked if we could work it out and I agreed. She is high functional Borderline Personality Disorder, with depression and serious anger issues with me. Yet, I know she loves me.

I gave up almost everything, including television, when we married, and tried to be very creative in making her feel cherished. Didn't know about the issues until the marriage. We've been married 23 years.

Out of all the issues, it seems that sex is the one that drives both of us towards calling it quits. She tells me that I'm abnormal, and 'everyone knows' that all men crave sex every day.

I tend to have an interest about three times per week, and this humilates her. I hear her compare me to her father all the time (who is nicknamed after a reptile for a hint). I finally had to admit that the reason I don't need more is because I'm just not really attracted to her any more. 

Tell me if I'm crazy: she has never masturbated, and cannot stand the thought of touching herself or letting her body be seen. Because of physiological and mental issues, even with lots of foreplay and oral, it takes her 30 to 40 minutes to climax, and sometimes she just quits. I enjoy hours of kissing and holding in front of the fire, but this isn't her style. She just wants to be wanted.

I've told her for years that I'm aroused by kind words and gestures, and compliments. This absolutely never happens. I tell her that I love her, kiss, etc, but she says that she is only a responder.

A couple of years ago, when I was diagnosed with ALS, the haze just fell from my eyes. I'm stubbornly committed. Mysteriously, I healed and found that I was misdiagnosed. The muscle pain was incredible for a year, but I'm approaching my normal form and strength.

So, I'm 225 lbs, wear a 54 jacket but 32 pants. Now that she is falling into depression, she is now 225 lbs, ballooning quickly. I drag her for walks, which she hates, bought a new treadmill, etc, but she finally admitted that she's doing it basically for revenge.

Yes, she tells me that I'm the problem.

She is a great nurse and really good with superficial friends and patients. The sex was good at first, but only because she just wanted to be wanted. Realistically, I'm staying because she would be lost without me (and admits it).

It's probably wrong to some, but if nothing changes, I'll get a massive bonus early next year (which will pay for our kids tuition), and would likely just end it.

Sorry for the vent, but I'd like some feedback about just what is normal for a woman. In particular, do you feel that your attitude and emotional support are critical to your lovelife, or just not necessary? Are many women just 'responders' in almost every aspect of intimacy?

Sorry for the naive questions, but BPD'ers sometimes do a really good job of making the other one feel like they are the problem. BTW - as part of the agreement to work on the marriage, she is seeing a psychiatirst and therapist weekly for now. Our marriage counselor told her that nothing will progress until she takes ownership for her life.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I have a high drive but if my W is mean/not nice it DEFINITELY reduces my desire. 

I doubt I could get/sustain an erection if she doubled her weight. 

On a separate note, three times a week is a very healthy frequency. 

Seems like she has a constant need for you to prove your attraction to her and yet has no desire to make you feel loved/appreciated. BAD combo for you. 




takris said:


> A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I agreed to divorce (I asked), but almost immediately, she asked if we could work it out and I agreed. She is high functional Borderline Personality Disorder, with depression and serious anger issues with me. Yet, I know she loves me.
> 
> I gave up almost everything, including television, when we married, and tried to be very creative in making her feel cherished. Didn't know about the issues until the marriage. We've been married 23 years.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I know I defend men too much, but I just can't help it. 

What you want is just normal, very average. 

For sex part, I am lost too. I don't know why some women don't want sex. :scratchhead: I don't know why they think sex is dirty. I don't know why they don't feel comfortable seeing themselves naked. Your own body, your home, nobody is there, what shame is it? I don't understand this! I stand myself in front of the mirror, and wish we have a big mirror(we don't), just enjoy myself, my hair, my smile, my breasts, my legs..............am I absurd? Am I narcissistic? Maybe yes, but I don't care. I am doing that at home, who knows?

For mood, women tend to be bothered by small things, they can't let it go. That's why people say, don't offend women. They need to seek religious help. I believe Christianity and Buddhism can both help people learn self-control, but they have to try to learn, don't just listen and the words are like wind. 

Your wife should cherish this second opportunity. I actually think all married people should cherish that they are still married, and start the pursuing process again. Think that you are still pursuing him or her, put yourself in the mood of before married, think if you don't try hard, you are going to lose him or her, the truth is actually there: TRUE. If you don't try hard, you lose him or her, only have more years. It know the mentality is tiring, but the result is also sweet!!! Who can tell me that dating couples are not happy?


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Talking from the point of view of an insecure woman learning how to turn confident (which your wife probably is) that need of more sex from her part probably isn't because she really needs more sex physically, it's because she doesn't feel something else (wanted, secure enough, or enough passion). 

"she has never masturbated, and cannot stand the thought of touching herself or letting her body be seen" i think this is a major problem and contributing to her slow response for orgasm. This also shows major shyness, lack of acceptance with her body. It reflects in her behavior in bed probably, where she's probably just sitting there and receiving, i assume. Obviously if she doesn't make you feel wanted and attractive as well, sex will at one point become pointless for you (or any other person on this planet). 

Women are sometimes taught to be "responders" only. I've done that mistake myself. I spend my 16 to 19 years just "sitting there" and then i discovered my husband was just not in the mood anymore. This was strictly because of upbringing because i have always had a reasonably high drive as well as a ton of fantasies. I just thought that women simply "sit there" and only *****s do more (this wasn't even learned from family and old ones, it was from male friends!).Because i was still inexperienced i started acting like a jerk to him, we grew even further apart, then i got depressed and didn't want to go for walks or do anything (sort of like you describe your wife) except i got very very skinny rather than fat. What snapped me out of the whole circle : two things, first i was on the brink of depression and got paranoid that he was cheating, second, he started showing me that he cared about me and my life. 

The tricky part here is that she's pointing at too little sex for her problems when that's just a "symptom". The real problem might be the "disgust" she has with her own body, not feeling attractive or wanted enough (strictly in her head). I can understand your need to ask these questions, but it's hard to give advice because most of the problems are on her part and it'll be hard for you to fix them for her. Can't you just tell her the truth, that you have a higher drive but simply aren't as interested in her because she's never truly shown you she wants you? And then tell her that men who crave sex all day want women who want to be enthusiastic and loving during sex...and then point her to this forum and show her some thread where women here describe their sex lives and what they do in bed? I don't know if this will work, just trying to help in some way.


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## newlystepmommed (Nov 9, 2010)

I agree with everyone's opinions. 
Main thing is, she doesn't like herself. It is hard to like others if you dislike yourself. And honestly, it is hard for others to like you too. 
She needs to stick with fixing herself, and she needs to want to. If she wants your relationship or any relationship to work she needs to follow through with all of her sessions. 
As far as sex, not every woman wants it all the time. Some women just lose their desire after a while. Depression, stress, weight gain, allergies, chemical unbalances can all be contributors. The human body is made to sustain it's own healthy abilities. If one element is out of whack.. the whole system goes south. 
I personally fall out of the mood if my husband is mean or inattentive. On occasion I'm the aggressor, but I love the attention and aggressiveness of him and that will arouse me any time he desires it. IF... he does that. If not, he won't get it. Not out of meanness... I don't just turn on, I need to be revved up first. 
Everyone is different, support her visits and praise her progress. If you think it's worth it. You'll do anything you need to make it work!
Best of luck!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's really not enough to know she has "Borderline Personality Disorder" That can mean almost anything.

Do you know what her childhood was like?

Apparently, when abuse/neglect happens in childhood, the young one is unable to process the emotion correctly. They internalize the idea that these feelings of annihilation are "their fault".

Quite frequently, this morphs into a young adult female who decides she will no longer accept "blame" for things that aren't her fault. This sounds ok until you peel back the onion.

What happens is nearly a frantic search to blame everyone and everything else for EVERYTHING.

The wound at the core of these folks gives them license to point fingers, create unlimited drama, and provoke until they get the emotional over-reaction they crave - which casts them in the role of victim. If they accepted responsibility for their actions, the core wound gets re-activated. This is incredibly painful to them.

For you see, you own your over-reactions and are responsible for apologizing and making things right. They also try to convince you to own theirs. That's the road to hell. Sounds like you've been there.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It's really not enough to know she has "Borderline Personality Disorder" That can mean almost anything.
> 
> Do you know what her childhood was like?.


There are commonly known criteria for the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and my wife has them all. Her childhood was unique. A military child who basically parented her parents. She could never do anything wrong in their eyes.

Recently, the first time we discussed divorce, she threatened to commit suicide. Today, she confided that she talked to the therapist about how I never spent time, never made her feel special, etc. The therapist told her that she needs to come to grips with her expectations. To her not enough time means that I only spent two hours a day talking, games, etc, before bedtime.

All of her family has died in the last few years other than a sister. Because her sister has confided serious feelings for me, their relationship is strained. 

I know her childhood well. Mine is a mystery to her. She doesn't even know what I do for a living.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I have to be honest. I have read many of your posts, and I don't see how you could have stayed this long with your wife. You are a patient man.

Attitude and emotional support is very crucial by both towards each other in lovemaking. It provides trust, and good communication. Knowing my h is there for me emotionally makes me feel secure, safe. Then I feel I can express myself emotionally and sexually.

There is nothing wrong with you. If you do divorce you certainly will have no problem getting another woman, and enjoy those nights by the fire. I'm sure you have heard this before. You deserve better.


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