# One year later... (sorry in advance so long)



## sbee

I made my first and only post here one year ago. I couldn't access my account for some weird reason.Married going on 25 years next month. 2 kids age 11 and 9.

My story was I found a secret "friendship" between my husband and another woman. Texts, alias Facebook page etc....I first confronted him in July 2015 and he did the usual cheater blame me move into guest room and all of that. Told him to chose her or his family. He pretended to chose us ( went underground because I told him my sources, didn'tt know this website then) Then in October I stumbled upon proof they were still in contact. Photos on his iclloud of her while they were facetiming.She lives in another state but he traveled and she could've met him in different areas. At this confrontation he blew up once again and to the guest room. 

As a side note we both started individual therapy in July and we were both still going. I had worked most of the summer gathering all the info I needed if things didn't improve, was also talking with a divorce coach ( someone I knew and could trust to give me good advice) I was ready and prepared because he broke my trust and I didn't really believe he wasn't seeing her still. I was right.....

At that confrontation in october I told him what I found (people are so careless on FB) she was stupid and posted some pictures that I knew he took we had them on the camera ( it was a night time sky on one of his business trips) He freaked out and told me then and there he was leaving the kids and I (ages 8 and 10) The next morning he had his regular therapy appt. He called me at work and asked to see me at lunch time. I didn't want to but agreed. He showed up at my office and we met in my car. My office manager knew everything and was watching from the windows. Anyway he broke down and sobbed harder than when we had our first child. Said he almost crossed a line and doesn't want to be with anyone else and he was sorry for all the pain he caused and had booked us an appt with the therapist together He said he wanted in our marriage and then deleted her from his phone in front of me, whatever easy to recover.

Several sessions of therapy and he wouldn't confess to an affair just that they were good friends and he almost crossed a line. Then the husband I knew returned and we started working towards each other again. Full access to his accounts all of them. Dates and meeting for lunch and his travel stopped.

Then a wonderful job opportunity for hom came along across country for him since it put us closer to family I was excited. He started the job in jan of 2016 and traveled home to us each month for 2 weeks .The kids and I stayed behind to finish school and my work, we moved to a wonderful new home at the end of may. During that time we fell back in love. Letters, FaceTime, texts and many many calls. Date nights when he was home and still continued to see therapist. Daily he told me he was sorry he almost lost us and how blessed we are to be together. I am a faithful person and I put my trust in God first. The war room is my bible...watch it if you haven't. We have had a wonderful year lots of talks and our children are thriving because of his presence in our family. I have known him since we were 16 we are almost 50 so I know this man better than he knows himself. I have good intuition and knew he had truly broken off contact that time and since we have moved so much over the years I have friends in a lot of places and one got to know the OW they worked together( small world) she never told her she knew me but she found out the OW was heartbroken because the guy she had been seeing decided to stay with his *****y wife (me) she still watches her for me. but there has been nothing...

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago digging out memory cards to organize family photos and looking for pics of my parents who are not well, I find images of him with her in a hotel room. Thankfully not nudes but it had the time stamp and it was a weekend I knew something was up. Needless to say I was crushed and heartbroken even though I knew inside it was an affair. So again confrontation this time he was upset but didn't storm out of the room. He didn't admit anything at first. I was upset so he asked me what I needed. I told him I needed him to own this affair, apologize for it (more than that line crossed) etc. He did all of that and has begged for me to forgive him. He broke into tears Said he was torn up inside wanting to tell me but didn't know how. I slept thru the night that night for the first time in 16 months. Daily he has been showing me his love and remorse. We have a new therapist here but have been able to keep talking and working on us.

This is soooo long I apologize. I know this will stir up some nasty thoughts but he owned this which is what I needed. I am a strong faith based person so I knew god would answer prayers and I have 3 friends who have been on my team they love him too and want us to be together, despite what he did.

People make mistakes in life but it doesn't mean that they have to pay for them the rest of their lives. He made his and is working towards making it right. Am i OK? my friend asked the answer is no I'm not I'm scarred for life because of this but I refuse to let this define us. I work daily toward peace and I know inside I truly love my husband and continue to have faith in us.

If you've read this thank you. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish other than vent this out but maybe give someone hope that if both are willing to put into it can work again. Reconciliation takes a lot of work like leaving,divorcing or separating. I'm up for that challenge and my eyes are wide open...this is too heavy to share with new friends in my new town so I'm glad to be reconnected to this forum. Gosh so long again sorry!!!:grin2:


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## SunCMars

Wow, what a story!

What a good women, wife, and mother you are!

I hope this tragedy remains in the past, never to reappear.

Good luck with your Reconciliation. He is very lucky to have such a wife. You gave him a gift that he did not deserve.

Never stop keeping tabs on him. Let him know that he is "On Notice"....for life.

God Bless.


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## lifeistooshort

But he didn't own it. He lied right up until you could prove it.

Keep that on mind as you move forward.....that he only admits to what you can prove.

If you're happy that's what matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katies

Considering that he only admitted to things you had evidence of, I'd ask for a polygraph and THEN call it good. If he's willing to do anything he'll do this.


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## MJJEAN

lifeistooshort said:


> But he didn't own it. He lied right up until you could prove it.
> 
> Keep that on mind as you move forward.....that he only admits to what you can prove.
> 
> If you're happy that's what matters.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was my first thought, too. 

OP, you weren't in reconciliation this whole time because he was still actively lying to you by concealing the affair was physical and far beyond friendship. Without absolute honesty, there can be no reconciliation. Now that you have proof of the physical affair, he has no choice but to admit to it. A truly remorseful man would have been honest before you obtained absolute proof. Don't mistake regret for remorse.



katies said:


> Considering that he only admitted to things you had evidence of, I'd ask for a polygraph and THEN call it good. If he's willing to do anything he'll do this.


Yup. And the polygraph questions would include how many sexual encounters did they have and have there been any other women.


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## heartbroken50

MJJEAN said:


> That was my first thought, too.
> 
> OP, you weren't in reconciliation this whole time because he was still actively lying to you by concealing the affair was physical and far beyond friendship. Without absolute honesty, there can be no reconciliation. Now that you have proof of the physical affair, he has no choice but to admit to it. A truly remorseful man would have been honest before you obtained absolute proof. Don't mistake regret for remorse.
> 
> 
> Yup. And the polygraph questions would include how many sexual encounters did they have and have there been any other women.


Bear in mind that a polygraph is usually limited to 3-4 questions (I was allowed 3) and they must be yes or no answer only....


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## MJJEAN

heartbroken50 said:


> Bear in mind that a polygraph is usually limited to 3-4 questions (I was allowed 3) and they must be yes or no answer only....



Hmm.. I guess I'd go with "Have you had sexual contact with women other than (OW Name)?" and "Did you and (OW Name) have more than one sexual encounter?"


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## sbee

katies said:


> Considering that he only admitted to things you had evidence of, I'd ask for a polygraph and THEN call it good. If he's willing to do anything he'll do this.


Thank you for your insight on that I appreciate what you are saying But to take a polygraph and bring up more pain, I don't want all the details. If I thought he was still involved then thats a great option. Not even sure how one goes about having this done. Did you have to do this as well?


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## heartbroken50

sbee said:


> Thank you for your insight on that I appreciate what you are saying But to take a polygraph and bring up more pain, I don't want all the details. If I thought he was still involved then thats a great option. Not even sure how one goes about having this done. Did you have to do this as well?




I had my H take the poly... Cost $275... Found him though the global polygraph network referral service. Was easy and satisfied my need to know if he had gone physical.


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## MJJEAN

sbee said:


> Thank you for your insight on that I appreciate what you are saying But to take a polygraph and bring up more pain, I don't want all the details. If I thought he was still involved then thats a great option. Not even sure how one goes about having this done. Did you have to do this as well?


From what I understand, polygrapher questions are not detailed because too much detail makes interpretation of the readings difficult. You wouldn't have to get details. Just simple things like is this the only affair and was the physical relationship more involved than once in a hotel.

If you want to go the polygraph route, you can Google for local polygraphers or ask the local police department for recommendations.


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## katies

sbee said:


> Thank you for your insight on that I appreciate what you are saying But to take a polygraph and bring up more pain, I don't want all the details. If I thought he was still involved then thats a great option. Not even sure how one goes about having this done. Did you have to do this as well?


No but I would if I felt I had to find out everything for myself. I needed to know the details. I needed to know what he was capable of. There is a big difference between confession and being caught, IMO. 
I think you may be doing a bit of rugsweeping here.


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## TheTruthHurts

@sbee thank you for taking the time to post. Please keep posting because R will be difficult and you will gave up and down days.

I've read a lot of threads about infidelity and R, and some of the best ideas I've read are:

- have him write in extreme detail a timeline of the affair.

- make 2 versions - 1 will all events but tell him the type of details you don't want to read

- stipulate that R depends ENTIRELY on full disclosure - any new revelations will permanently destroy the trust and therefore the basis for marriage

- tell him you want a polygraph - and have the questions ask if there are any other affairs or sex NOT on the written on the timelines

- ask him if he wrote anything new that he had not yet disclosed. Then seal the envelopes and put them somewhere safe.

- have a friend read them and you can discuss with a friend - that way you don't have to get into the details

This approach allows him to step up but puts him on notice this is his chance. The poly enforces that. Plus you don't have to read it.

Good luck 


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## katies

She's already in recovery though. She just came back to write that things were going well. 
She has said that a polygraph (and I'm sure a timeline) would bring up more pain and she doesn't want to know details. 
I'm not sure what advice to give anymore, although I've given my opinion, FWIW.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

What do you need a polygraph for? You know he cheated and you know it was physical. What else is there?


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## TheTruthHurts

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> What do you need a polygraph for? You know he cheated and you know it was physical. What else is there?




Exactly. What else is there?

From what I've read many BS suffer for years wondering if the whole truth came out. A poly allows both parties - if they're truly BOTH in R - to come to terms with that issue. Trust can only be fully rebuilt if it's safe.


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## aine

Sbee, good for you! 
I think your WH has shown remorse, but your marriage will never be the same again. God can heal you both and make all things new, but I believe once the marriage covenant is broken it is never the same and you have every right to monitor him. This is why the bible gives a way out to the BS in such a scenario


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## Emerging Buddhist

Affairs are not mistakes... while an opinion simply stated, it bears consideration.

What is truly required is what has been learned by such a poor choice and if true penance has earned a place back to the heart.

If you do decide on a poly... my deciding question would be simply aimed at if the lesson was not learned.

I would want to know if this was the only transgression, or were there others.

My decisions would be made on this one simple question... and thus my steps for removing the suffering if it proved true (more than once).


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## 3Xnocharm




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## She'sStillGotIt

lifeistooshort said:


> But he didn't own it. He lied right up until you could prove it.
> 
> Keep that on mind as you move forward.....that he only admits to what you can prove.
> 
> If you're happy that's what matters.


So much YES to this post.

The sneak planned on taking it to the grave with him rather than man up and own it. He only 'owned' it when he knew he couldn't LIE about it anymore.


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