# don't love the wife but I just can't leave



## londonR

My name is Matt and and I have been married to Emma for 4 years now (been together for 12 yrs).
Basically, I don't think I love my wife, but I can't leave because she falls to pieces when I try telling her i'm unhappy and want a divorce. I think most women would agree to split after hearing how unhappy I am, but Emma is determined to hang in there no matter what. She says she loves me and that im her 'entire world' - which makes me feel incredibly guilty and I can't bare to see her so distressed.

A BRIEF HISTORY
For several months I felt very uncomfortable seeing Emma whilst she was still in another relationship (of 6yrs), she tells me she's 'unhappy' and stuff. I didn't know she was seeing anyone else at first and a bit surprised of such 'attention' from a 'non-single' girl (although we were just friends at this stage, I was still attracted to her and emotionally attached).

I tried saying several times that 'I can't do this' - meaning seeing someone who is with someone else. Eventually, I meant it and said I couldn't see her anymore under this predicament.
Not long after this, I got a phone call from Emma telling me she's now single - alas!
I was so excited I wanted to jump for joy. I drove round straight away, I was so happy, I felt like a man should feel on his wedding day. 

When I got there, Emma opened the door, the look on her face was of sadness - I was confused and hurt. She didn't seem to share my enthusiasm or happiness and I instantly felt like I'd arrived at someone's funeral. My heart sank inside like a deflated balloon. This isn't what I expected or wanted. I suggested she should have time to herself (to think, recharge her batteries etc) and then we could meet again and be joyous together. But no, this wasn't an option for Emma, and snapped at me saying that I was 'showing my true colours now!' by suggesting such a thing. 
It's as though she thought I wanted to 'dump her' and this gave rise to her anger.
This wasn't true, I merely wanted her to release some baggage as she looked to be on the rebound. I wanted us to come together and be happy together.

For the next few months, (or years really) things were and are still difficult. It was easy for Emma to snap at me (and I suppose, I let her - not knowing how to respond, or too scared to).

I think i've just been tolerating her most of the time and not really loving her. I think I loved her in the beginning (before I realised the full extent of her moods) I didn't realise she was such a fiery person with a very short fuse.

We did go to 'Relate' for marriage counseling 2 yrs ago and she did begin to listen to my side of things and calm down a bit. So then we had a baby (now almost 1 yr old). Her moods got worse again and now she's trying stress hypnotherapy - which is all very well, but now I'm thinking that its too late because I don't feel in my heart that I can go back.

I can't relate or warm to a 'fiery' person, it's just not in my nature. Even if a fiery person had a so called 'good week' - it doesn't matter, they'd still be the same fiery person and someone whom I could never warm towards. They'd still have the same personality which I don't like or love. I could never love such a personality like this. Because this is who I am and I can never change. 

I know, I may shun love in this relationship. I know there are things that I could do to be more loving, but I can't because it doesn't feel right for me, I cannot love a fiery person, i'd just be living a lie. 

Am I a perfectionist ? Am I a naive idealist - looking for a perfect soul mate? Why can't I just forgive her and try again?
I don't know.
But I do know that I don't fancy her and I don't even like her kissing me.
Yes, I do think there could be a soul mate out there for me, but I just want to be with someone calm and who I can have a conversation with and not feel like im treading on egg shells all the time.

Having a baby now has made things difficult because I don't she would be of a 'stable nature' (mentally) if I left.


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## SurpriseMyself

I am so sorry you are in this position. I feel i am in a similar one and there are no easy answers. I wish i had the strength and courage to leave. If you can find that, then you should. Get split custody and do your best to not end up in bitter battles negotiated between lawyers.

All the best to you.


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## Catherine602

First, It is common to thnk that if you have to work at your relationship that there is someone better and esier to be on a relationship with out there for you. If you do a good search on the web about 2nd marriages you will find that they fail at a much higher rate than 1st marriages. 50 vs 70%. So you have a 30% chance of long term sucess with your imagined soulmate. 

Secondly, for some reason people are leaving perfectly salvageable relationships to find better ones. The problem is that they lack the skills to make any relationship work, old or new. . Thus, the dismal statistics. For some reason you picked your wife. Moreover you brought a child into the world with her a scant 1 year ago. 

You went to counciling once and now you are ready to leave them both to look for your soulmate. It seems to me you have at lest one soulmate already, a 1 yr old child. Is that not enough to hold you and make you want to work harder on the relationship you have? 

You don't like her fiery personality and you are you dissapointed that she did not welcome you like in the movies when you came tomget her. She always had the personality and lifes not like in the movies. You are a father, you made a commitment toma women and started a family. You are now responsible to get your hear out of the clouds and pull out all of the stops to make this relationship a sucess. 

This is the best chance you will ever have be what you need to be as a man and a father and make it work. BTW, There is nothing wrong with a firery women, you have to chanel the fire. Relationships are hard work, even ones with soulmates, its not like the movies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I'm not encouraging you to stay or to leave. But keep in mind that you're not responsible for any other grown-ups happiness. Staying to make the other partner happy is a pretty poor reason. Because if you're unhappy, it's only a matter of time before thing blow up for good.

C


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## Syrum

Instead of leaving, try manning up and not putting up with any nonsense. Don't treat her badly, treat her well, however if she is rude or disrespectful or angry for no reason (and don't dismiss her when she has reason to be angry) then let her know you won't tolerate it and do not engage with her, unless she has a real reason to be upset.

Once she realizes her bad behaviour won't get her any where with you and that you are a man she has to respect, I think her attitude will change.

I don't think things sound so bad that they are not salvagable. I also think you are seeing the relationship in a light that may speak more about your frame of mind right now then the reality of your relationship.


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## dontKnowMe

This is slightly off topic.... I'm tired of hearing people throw around the 50% of marriages fail and 60-70% of second marriages fail. In my opinion, and I have nothing to back this up with, the 50% of first marriages that are successful have at least half of those people (25%) that are cowards and do not split up because of their kids or finances or a myriad of other excuses. These people don't have the guts to live their lives and settle for mediocrity.

That so many second marriages fail could be attributed to those people realizing that it's not worth it! They aren't scared of divorce because they've been through it and know that it's not as bad as most people think.


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## voryn

All you can do is lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. However, A pregnancy changes a woman's body drastically and sometimes that has an effect on their personality. And with any kind of personality disorder it often times makes it way worse. For the sake of your child you need to try to help her drink the water a little bit longer you owe your baby that much. 

After she's had time to become more like her self again, try doing things to re-vitalize your relationship. Try to reconnect with the things you guys used to do together that made you fall in love in the first place. Then if all of that fails you can at least say you tried.


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## londonR

Thanks for the advice ( it is a help).

In the beginning, she didn't seem as fiery and I bought the excuses. I also ignored the 'warning signs' (as we often do).

A lot of people do remind me that we did decide to have a child and that I agreed to marry her, so that I must have felt something etc.
Maybe I did love her once, but there has always been some doubt there too - and I've probably dismissed it and just 'hoped' that things would be better tomorrow.
Now, I've reached a point of no return and don't believe I can go back. I have been kidding myself - thinking we could make it work.

It's easier said than done to not let her moods bother me, but when communicating on a daily basis becomes difficult without my partner getting defensive over something it becomes a bit draining and dis-heartening. 

I know it could destroy someone's world, but she deserves someone who can love her (someone who is more suited).

I know the stats about 2nd marriages, but I was naive and 'went along with the flow', so shouldn't have get married in the first place (now I'm older, wiser, more savvy and less foolish).

I also believe that I can be a better role model for my child if I am happy and energised and I shall always be there for my daughter.

thanks again.


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## londonR

Just reading the comments above again - I'd just like to add:

* I didn't really pick my wife, she picked me. I was in a library doing some work and she chatted me up (first time ever any girl had done this to me and I was flattered), being a shy man I naturally let nature take it's course. If a woman was in my shoes, wouldn't she do the same?

* If I was 'man enough' in the beginning - I would have left her fairly quickly from the first warning sign, but due to my forgiving nature; I did not penalize her, instead I was very understanding.

* first day we got together (officially), she tells me she has a brain tumor (but luckily it turned out to be only benign). - would a real man have left her then?

* then it's nearly xmas - and her moods are down to the fact she lost her dad near xmas when she was a child (25 yrs ago). - Would a real man have left her then?

* Then her moods are because she is living at home and said things would be better if we had our own place (so we rent our own place and guess what - no change).

* Then she's stressed because we don't own our own home etc - so we then get a mortgage and buy our own home - and guess what no change.

* Then she starts dreaming of a big wedding (which we can't afford) so I eventually agree to a vegas wedding (yep, I took the easy way out here - I'm guilty of this crime.

But you get the picture, there's always been doubt there but I've supported my partner for a decade and tried to give here the benefit of the doubt every time.
I've allowed myself to be manipulated and now (thanks to some self help books - mostly written by women ironically) I'm finding the strength to stand up for myself and I'm 'manning up'.

It's made me realize a few things about myself: 
I've reached the stage where it's not physically possible for me to love her, there is no chemistry left. In fact she makes me cringe. I think she deserves better, she deserves someone who can love her what she is. 
She deserves someone who is more suited to her.
She thinks I'm the only person in the world for her (this is not true).

* As for our child: worse case scenario would be to still feel this way in a few years time and to split up when our child is old enough to know what's happening and witness the arguments.
This is one unhappy household and think our child would be better with 2 'happy households' - hopefully.

* I know I mentioned 'soul mate' but this is just an expression. I would actually rather be single and celibate than be in this situation. I believe I could be happy with almost woman - If I ever looked for someone else I'd only really stipulate that they should be someone whom I can have a normal conversation with without getting uptight / wound-up / irate all the time etc.


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## bhocf

You should leave your wife,you can live a happy life,maybe single & celibate to start . Love yourself enough to leave now , don't go on for another 20 years , your options will diminish with age.
Be brave now.you deserve a better life...what would she do if you were treating her the way she treats you ???. Not all women are up tight 24/7, yes we sometimes react or over react to the way men talk about things,you obviously need a lady that respects you more..that will listen & have a decent conversation without making you shut up,sounds like she just wants to be in charge all the time..if she can't be half of a couple let her be on her own & see if she can deal with life ...you are not responsible for her,this is simply why more & more people choose not to marry...times have changed,no shame in leaving a bad marriage. grab life whilst you can,don't grow old with a list of regrets.I have lost friends due to sickness,friends that were in unhappy marriages & waiting for the kids to reach a stage where they could finally leave,they left but not in the way they wanted to...no life left. SAD...very,very sad to see good men go to waste. Try a trial separation to begin with,spend time with your child...your wife will see that you don't mean her any harm,you simply can not go on like that...some men commit suicide before they would leave...please just talk to her,even if she talks over you...once you walk out the door she can think about her actions,she may be deluded & think that her behavior is normal...you will need support from friends & family, talk about this to your nearest & dearest,they will help you move forward. good luck my friend...you deserve to be happy,we all do. :0)


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