# Considering divorce



## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I am 37 yrs old and have been married for almost 6 years and have a 22 m old and 3 yr old. During our marriage my husband has had a problem when going for a drink after work with the guys, knowing when to stop. So many nights he just didn't come home after work, no call, didn't answer his phone, then would come in at 1 or 2 am drunk. While I was 8 m pregnant I had to bail him out of jail for dui. He was then going to the bar after work with friends every night. I once called the bar he frequented and heard him tell the bartender to tell me he wasn't there. Then one time came home and said he was at a certain bar, but upon looking at bank statements saw he had been at a strip club and spent $500 of our money! One time he didn't come home until 6:30 in the morning! The most recent was about a month ago, we were suppose to take our boys to get their hair cut and he just didn't show up, then at 9pm came stumbling in, while I was holding my 3 year old he was telling me to shut the f*%&% up. I don't want my kids to see this, or turn out like this (his father was the same). He doesn't drink at home, but I feel he has disrespected me so much, too many times that now I am just going through the motions of marriage and have so much resentment towards him that even if he never did it again, I just am so angry. Worried about my kids if I get a divorce. I want them to have a happy family life, but I am just not happy. Don't know what to do. I feel so guilty, he keeps telling me he will "try" not to do it again, that he doesn't want to lose me and the kids. He never felt bad all the times I was up all night crying.


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## Aquila audax (Aug 9, 2011)

I can't believe you've stuck with him as long as you have.

This guy needs to get the message from you loud and clear. You need to show him the door and tell him not to come back until he's cleaned up his act. The more you allow him to treat you this way, the less respect he will have. His actions demand consequence.


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

Aquila, I know, sometimes I can't believe I have stayed as long as I have. I just keep making excuses...(he doesn't do it all the time, he doesn't drink everyday...etc) Since he got the DUI 3 years ago, he has slowed down, but did it again 1 month ago. The thing that makes me mad is that the ONLY reason I feel he slowed down is because he got the DUI and is scared. It had nothing to do with me or me threatening to leave if he didn't stop. He is a good guy, and a good dad and a good provider ( work as well) but I just get so angry thinking about all the things, and thinking "what else has he lied about" since he lied about the strip club. When I told him a few weeks ago that I wanted him to leave, he started crying. Then I felt bad. That is my problem. When he was in jail for the DUI I was so mad at him but all I kept thinking was I felt bad that he was sleeping all night on that hard concrete "bed" they have to sleep on! Then I was mad at myself for feeling bad for him! I am just worried that if I leave, it will be a mistake for the kids. Im so confused.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

Wake up and smell the coffee! Your H has a serious drinking problem. His behavior reminds me of myself. I too have an alchohol addiction. Maybe not full blown alcoholism, but a strong addiction, none the less. During the worst of it, I drank every night for three years (at home). I was high-functioning in that I held down a good job, took care of the kids & household requirements. But I ignored my wife, her emotional and physical needs to the point where she couldn't take it anymore and she started an affair. I blame myself for pushing her to that point. The affair was the low point for me and I realized I had a serious issue and sought help. Been sober for 3 1/2 years. And it's very difficult. I still feel the desire to drink under certain circumstances and situations, but I know I can never touch booze again.

You need to set boundaries for what is acceptable behavior from your H. Tell him he gets help for the booze problem or he has to go. Tell him you do not accept him being out till all hours of the night. Maybe even put D on the table. He needs to have consequences for continuing his bad behavior. Looking back I wish my wife had taken action such as packing up the kids and leaving or even filing for D to shake me out of my funk. The affair had the same effect, but is much more damaging and not the way to achieve a response. Please don't go down that road.

I understand your empathy for his plight at times. But feeling sorry for him and letting him off the hook are only enabling his behavior to continue. My wife told me many times she didn't like my drinking, thought it was too much. Then she would go out and buy me expensive booze as a birthday gift or for some other special occasion. So I constantly received mixed messages from her. Don't do that. State your expectations and boundaries and stick to them. Wishing you the best and hope you find a solution.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

twindad said:


> Wake up and smell the coffee! Your H has a serious drinking problem. His behavior reminds me of myself. I too have an alchohol addiction. Maybe not full blown alcoholism, but a strong addiction, none the less. During the worst of it, I drank every night for three years (at home). I was high-functioning in that I held down a good job, took care of the kids & household requirements. But I ignored my wife, her emotional and physical needs to the point where she couldn't take it anymore and she started an affair. I blame myself for pushing her to that point. The affair was the low point for me and I realized I had a serious issue and sought help. Been sober for 3 1/2 years. And it's very difficult. I still feel the desire to drink under certain circumstances and situations, but I know I can never touch booze again.
> 
> You need to set boundaries for what is acceptable behavior from your H. Tell him he gets help for the booze problem or he has to go. Tell him you do not accept him being out till all hours of the night. Maybe even put D on the table. He needs to have consequences for continuing his bad behavior. Looking back I wish my wife had taken action such as packing up the kids and leaving or even filing for D to shake me out of my funk. The affair had the same effect, but is much more damaging and not the way to achieve a response. Please don't go down that road.
> 
> I understand your empathy for his plight at times. But feeling sorry for him and letting him off the hook are only enabling his behavior to continue. My wife told me many times she didn't like my drinking, thought it was too much. Then she would go out and buy me expensive booze as a birthday gift or for some other special occasion. So I constantly received mixed messages from her. Don't do that. State your expectations and boundaries and stick to them. Wishing you the best and hope you find a solution.


Your "empathy for his plight" is co-dependency and your husband isn't the only one who needs help. His behavior is putting not only himself but you and the kids at risk. What if you desperately need him one night when he is dead drunk, what if it is a matter of life and death. With kids it can become that in a flash and everyone needs to have their wits about them. He has no right to put his family is such jeopardy and the "friends" he is drinking with are not friends, but your rivals and his enemies. Unless he dries out and gets some help they will cost him everything eventually.


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

@ Grizabella, thank you so much for your response. I guess I have been making excuses for him because he doesn't drink everyday and rarely drinks at home. It is only when he is with people from work or friends that go for a "quick drink" after work. Then he doesn' know when to stop. And what you said about me needing him during an emergency, I have told him that so many times especially while I was pregnant, what if I need you and I cannot get ahold of you because you are at the bar drunk and don't answer your phone. My other issue is that I really don't know for sure that he has never been unfaithful when he's out drinking and not answering his phone, and for my kids to see him like that breaks my heart. It is much less now, maybe every few months if that that he does this but I feel like the damage is already done. He has disrespected me so many times, I just have a lot of resentment and not much respect for him anymore for what he has put me through. Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.


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## meadenurse (Aug 9, 2011)

I posted last about my marriage and my husbands drinking and staying out late without calling or answering his phone (if anyone read it) but what I didn't add is that in the last 2 months I have started talking with an ex that I dated when I was 16-17 years old (21 years ago) and we have really hit it off. I feel terrible talking to him (and have seen him twice) while I am still married but I feel my husband has pushed me away so much from all of the things I posted that he has done, that I just started falling for this other person. He says and does all of the things that my husband never has. I know its wrong but I really feel I would be happier with this other person (or even by myself).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

End the marriage if that's what you want to do, THEN think about starting another relationship. This is coming from someone who did things in the wrong order... Right now, you're having an affair, even if it's not physical yet. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

meadenurse said:


> I posted last about my marriage and my husbands drinking and staying out late without calling or answering his phone (if anyone read it) but what I didn't add is that in the last 2 months I have started talking with an ex that I dated when I was 16-17 years old (21 years ago) and we have really hit it off. I feel terrible talking to him (and have seen him twice) while I am still married but I feel my husband has pushed me away so much from all of the things I posted that he has done, that I just started falling for this other person. He says and does all of the things that my husband never has. I know its wrong but I really feel I would be happier with this other person (or even by myself).


OK, this changes everything! I'm actually pissed off to hear this from you. This situation is exactly what happened to my W and I. I was a heavy drinker and neglected my W for years. She grew distant, felt unloved, felt belittled by my behaviors & words, felt betrayed that I craved booze more than her. She couldn't handle the problem in a healthy way, so she had an affair. Going outside the marriage is not the appropriate way to handle your relationship problems.

PLEASE DON'T CONTINUE DOWN THIS ROAD! You are vulnerable because of the situation with your H. You are open to influence by other men who may meet some of your emotional needs that your H isn't fulfilling. Having an EA or PA will not solve anything and will only make your life worse.  It may be too late if you've been at this for two months already. You may be in the FOG and can't see that what you are doing will destroy many lives (yours, H's, your children, Ex's OW).

If you are at the point where you are willing to commit adultery and have an affair (even an EA), then you should end your marriage first then and only then, proceed with dating this other person. If you want to save your marriage, end all contact with the OM now. Lay out all the requirements you need from your H to continue in the marriage whether it's AA, IC, MC or whatever. Just be perfectly clear and let him know that if these are not met, you will file for D.

Your situation is at a critical point. Step back and look at what you are thinking of doing. Read all the posts that you can on this forum about infidelity and the utter destruction it will wreak on your H and your kids. PLEASE, DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.


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