# I wish....



## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Rough day yesterday. 

My husband called and asked me to find some work papers in his office. (on another business trip). After some digging I found what he needed and a notebook. 

Inside the notebook were several of the letters I have written him over the years expressing my need for more of his time and interaction, my concerns for our marriage and the kids. Some of the letters dated back 9 years! 

On the pages of the notebook were his responses. It was interesting but made me so sad. It showed he had read some books (love languages and a couple others) and had a pretty good idea of where his issues lay, his fears and his desires to make our marriage work. 

None of that he ever conveys to me. 

What broke my heart is that he never acted on any of what he wrote! And still doesn't. He continues to remain uninvolved and always puts work first before me, the kids, anything. He doesn't shares his thoughts with me let alone feelings. 

One of the saddest lines he wrote was " I think my life would be much better living alone. I seem to do that best"

It was dated 5 years ago. 

I wish I had never read that. It seems that is where he wants to be.

Today more than ever I feel like I am fighting for a marriage and a life with someone who has no desire to be there but won't be honest with himself or me. 

Do I take the notebook to our next counseling session and confront him with it? 

I don't know what to do. He literally does not talk with me about anything but technical daily life stuff unless we are at the counselors.


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## moonsun (Apr 14, 2012)

Yes, bring it all out into the open. This way you can talk about it.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

This is a touchy subject. I know you came across it accidently, but the shoe is on the other foot for me.

My H read my journal. It had my venting and stuff that I would write down when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. It was never ever meant for anyone's eyes. I never thought to hide it from him or tell him it was out of bounds. I trusted that he was not reading it. The problem for me is that he was and he took it for gospel that it was how I really felt. I wrote things like I hate you sometimes called him all sorts of things, and they are things that I felt for an instant but don't really believe. Big trust issue now....I don't trust him not to "pry" and he doesn't trust what I am saying is what I truly believe. Fun times....not!

Having said all that, I think you should bring it up in counselling, but be mindful that he may be extremely hurt and upset that you "pried", or that those feelings may only be a vent or release - depends on what sort of person he is. Your counsellor will help control the situation though. Hope that helps.


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