# If she is horny, why doesn't she tell me?



## MAEPT10

Ok first off, I understand the whole "masturbation is a natural thing". I'm a guy. But here is my question. If we are not having much sex together (4 or 5 times total in Aug, Sep, and Oct almost 0 before that this year) and she keeps telling me that she likes sex with me, and she will let me know when she is horny, and to stop pressuring her. Then why would she be horny enough to masturbate during the day while I'm at work a couple times a week. She got a new toy at one of those parties and I sometimes notice when it has been moved or put back differently. And the cleaning spray was getting lower too. I mean I get being horny to masturbate, like I said I'm a guy, I do it too. But if I hadn't had any sex in a very long time, and then I was horny enough to do that and my partner was there just waiting for me to say the word, I would choose the sex. I just don't get it ladies, please help. I have told her that I do not just want to have sex when we are drunk, I want to when we are sober and really just want it. And then what happens is sometimes we'll be drunk, and I'll expect it, because it happened the last 3 times that way ya know.


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## Shaggy

I've always viewed masterbation as ok, but only when you are not choosing it over a willing partner. That's when it crosses the line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo

Try romancing her by taking her out for a dinner with drinks. Dress up nice (both of you), and tell her how nice she looks. Plan it in advance. Give her something to look forward to. Have fun. 

You might not make it back home in time for "sex at home" : )


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## Conrad

WTOH,

You sound like a really nice guy. That's likely the root and branch of your difficulties.

Check out these links. I'm willing to wager you'll see yourself in them.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

We're in the Men's Clubhouse if you have any questions.



wanttheoldher said:


> Ok first off, I understand the whole "masturbation is a natural thing". I'm a guy. But here is my question. If we are not having much sex together (4 or 5 times total in Aug, Sep, and Oct almost 0 before that this year) and she keeps telling me that she likes sex with me, and she will let me know when she is horny, and to stop pressuring her. Then why would she be horny enough to masturbate during the day while I'm at work a couple times a week. She got a new toy at one of those parties and I sometimes notice when it has been moved or put back differently. And the cleaning spray was getting lower too. I mean I get being horny to masturbate, like I said I'm a guy, I do it too. But if I hadn't had any sex in a very long time, and then I was horny enough to do that and my partner was there just waiting for me to say the word, I would choose the sex. I just don't get it ladies, please help. I have told her that I do not just want to have sex when we are drunk, I want to when we are sober and really just want it. And then what happens is sometimes we'll be drunk, and I'll expect it, because it happened the last 3 times that way ya know.


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## Trenton

Read some books on how to sexually please a lady. It's possible that masturbation for her is easy and a guaranteed orgasm whereas it's stressful with you and not necessarily ending in an orgasm.


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## CandieGirl

This is sort of like when guys use porn over a woman...the toy provides almost instant and guaranteed (not to mention multiple) orgasms. 

I'll be back in 5 minutes....ahem!


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## koalamom

What about the fact that a woman wants to feel emotionally connected to her man to have sex? Do not underestimate that. If things are strained between the two of you, she may not feel connected.


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## michzz

Switch out the batteries ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967

The fact is that only your WIFE knows why she is choosing the toy over having sex with you.

It could be a million things, that is why you have to talk to her. And if she won't talk to you then tell her you want to go to marriage counseling.


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## Cherry

wanttheoldher said:


> Then why would she be horny enough to masturbate during the day while I'm at work a couple times a week.


If I'm home during the day and H is at work, and I get horny, I can't call up H to come home from work to satisfy me right then. I pull out the tried and true for a few minutes of satisfaction. But at the same time I do not neglect my H in the actual sex department, if anything I've found when I masturbate I somewhat continue to be horny through the rest of the day too.... It's what I've found anyway


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## MAEPT10

tried talking last night, and it just turned into a fight. I do ***ing romance her. I love doing that. the thing with me and my "alone" time, I would never turn her away even if I already did that, that day. this whole emotionally connected thing, I don't get it. women want someone to talk about emotions and stuff... well here I am, and I'm scared to talk to her because she puts up a wall and we fight... then comes "Its always about sex with you isn't it." Well honestly, it is...because It's NEVER about sex with her. She says just wait and I'll tell you when I want it. Well isn't that just awesome. I can never want sex again, I have to only do it when its ok for her. I can not say no to her, I want her too badly. And I don't think its fair to fight like that and not sleep with her to spite her.


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## SimplyAmorous

I can't relate to wanting a toy over sex with my husband, I never even bought one will we were married 19 yrs and only used it about 3 times -hollow in comparison to me. 

Yeah, could be underlying issues there. I would personally "wait" knowing I would be getting him over a toy any day. The only time I masterbated -is when I got real horny in the middle of the night and he was sleeping and I felt he might not want me to wake him up (he was always more tired than me, falling asleep earlier) 

I would lay there thinking, should I, shouldn't I ....like plucking the pedals of a daisy, he loves me, he loves me not. Half the time I didn't wake him up- and the other half - I went for it , he was always willing and of coarse this was much more satisfying to me, no comparison really. 

He told me years later, it was so funny....waking him up for that - would be like waking him up to tell me the house was on fire, it is IMPORTANT he said. 

I just laughed, who knew. 

Lesson to be learned here....Talk more about sex with your partner, this is where we failed.....we were too quiet about it all ...and missed each other.


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## MAEPT10

Cherry, that is what I was hoping for. Her to actually increase her sex drive because of her time alone. I know she can't call me up at work. But when she very well knows that I want her so badly, and then I try to initiate something I get "stop you're pressuring me" or "you're making me nervous". I hate it, I'm her husband, why nervous with me? She is self conscious of her appearance, and ya big deal she put on weight after the baby. Who doesn't? I'm not a picture of fitness myself. I still think she looks amazing and I actually like her like this. Do you know how hard it is to just say, fine I'm not asking her for sex ever again until this behavior starts to change. ? I try to, and I go about a week or two before I give in and try to initiate. I have found no good way to initiate it. I set up spa nights at home, with a bath, soft music, wine, chocolates, and then I massage her. hoping this will turn her on, nope. she feels pressure to have sex. I randomly rub her feel when she gets home from work, so show I care, nope. I set up date nights, out or sometimes just at home, nope, she feels pressure knowing date night is coming, and I'm going expect sex.


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## Enchantment

wanttheoldher said:


> Cherry, that is what I was hoping for. Her to actually increase her sex drive because of her time alone. I know she can't call me up at work. But when she very well knows that I want her so badly, and then I try to initiate something I get "stop you're pressuring me" or "you're making me nervous". I hate it, I'm her husband, why nervous with me? She is self conscious of her appearance, and ya big deal she put on weight after the baby. Who doesn't? I'm not a picture of fitness myself. I still think she looks amazing and I actually like her like this. Do you know how hard it is to just say, fine I'm not asking her for sex ever again until this behavior starts to change. ? I try to, and I go about a week or two before I give in and try to initiate. I have found no good way to initiate it. I set up spa nights at home, with a bath, soft music, wine, chocolates, and then I massage her. hoping this will turn her on, nope. she feels pressure to have sex. I randomly rub her feel when she gets home from work, so show I care, nope. I set up date nights, out or sometimes just at home, nope, she feels pressure knowing date night is coming, and I'm going expect sex.


Well, ARE you doing all of these things because you do expect sex? Your wife obviously has that perception and even verbalizes it to you.

You might want to look at this thread and see if it resonates with you:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

If you are pressuring her, then you will need to pull back and give her space. Quit looking at the drawer of goodies to see what has moved. Engage in light, non-sexual touching or affection, engage in conversation with her. You need to work on engaging her with you emotionally again so that she will be willing to engage with you physically.

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

God Bless.


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## lisa3girls

Trenton said:


> Read some books on how to sexually please a lady. It's possible that masturbation for her is easy and a guaranteed orgasm whereas it's stressful with you and not necessarily ending in an orgasm.


This... maybe offer to use the new toy with her


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## MAEPT10

Yes, sometimes I am expecting sex. I read all the time to do nice things like this and some soft touching non-sexual and engage in conversation. She will not talk to me. She talks all day long at work to her clients and when she gets home does not want to talk too much. We also have nothing just fun to talk about, bills, kids, work, bills. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I have to just try to talk about other stuff and just leave her alone. Its so hard to leave her alone. I get frustrated, i want to be close to her. I love that she reads at night to relax, but I hate it too. I try to read while next to her, but all I think about is wanting to just chat and talk with her. I'm really desperate to find out what works for her. She is fighting depression and is taking medication. She is trying. But when I feel down and crappy, she knows and won't try to make me feel better. She doesn't seek any emotional help when she is depressed so I think she feels that I don't need it. When I do.


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## MAEPT10

I did offer to use her new toy with her. She said that is her time. I get it, and I think she is a little embarrassed by the idea of me with a toy with her. Could a book really help me learn how to pleasure her? If she doesn't like sex with me will she tell me? I guess I would rather know that at least.


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## Cherry

wanttheoldher said:


> Yes, sometimes I am expecting sex. I read all the time to do nice things like this and some soft touching non-sexual and engage in conversation. She will not talk to me. She talks all day long at work to her clients and when she gets home does not want to talk too much. We also have nothing just fun to talk about, bills, kids, work, bills. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I have to just try to talk about other stuff and just leave her alone. Its so hard to leave her alone. I get frustrated, i want to be close to her. I love that she reads at night to relax, but I hate it too. I try to read while next to her, but all I think about is wanting to just chat and talk with her. I'm really desperate to find out what works for her. She is fighting depression and is taking medication. She is trying. But when I feel down and crappy, she knows and won't try to make me feel better. She doesn't seek any emotional help when she is depressed so I think she feels that I don't need it. When I do.


Have you two been to any counseling together? It really sounds like you two have a major disconnect, and sounds like it's more than just sex as an issue. From this post, it seems like she's neglecting you in more than just the sexual area... i.e., she doesn't want to chit chat with you because she's chit chatted all day with clients? That's pretty unfair. You have many needs she doesn't appear to be meeting.

P.S. My H lays tile all day at work, you can bet we have some nice floors in our house and I'm so thankful he's never said to me "I lay tile all day, I don't feel like laying tile in our house too!"


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## Runs like Dog

I asked my wife this kind of thing years ago. She felt taking any initiative or interest or action was not her job because she was, and I quote, "The girl". She never had to own an issue or be accountable or responsible or answerable for anything to anyone for anything, ever.


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## MAEPT10

Cherry I think she honestly feels that we will naturally come around. She goes to counseling, I just started too. I am working up the courage to suggest we go together to someone. I read things online, I participate in things like this (which I though I would never do) I will try things to make us work again. I dont think she will.


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## eagleclaw

I have had some of this problem too, but it has gotten "better".

The big things are, you have to be able to accept what your boundries are. A emotional and physical connections with your wife is NOT optional. Otherwise you are just roommates. Be loud and proud. Absolutely you expect sex and intimacy from your wife. Don't let her feel wrong for that.

It's a deal breaker. She either has mutual interest in your needs and happiness - and makes you a priority to her, or she loses her place on your list of priorities. The barometer mentioned above is golden. Read it follow it.

If she is unwilling to change then you have to be willing to push the envelope. She will continue on this path for as long as your accept it. Stop accepting it, and stop bending over backwards trying to meet her every condition, and every demand to find intimacy. She has sweet ride right now. Your contributing, she has reasonable financial security, back rubs, foot rubs, peace and quiet, your probably doing extra house work and helping out more than you should to try and solve all her problems and make sure she has no reason to not be in the mood. This WILL NOT WORK.


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## Entropy3000

See Married Man Sex Life

There is a book that goes with this blog. Probably worth reading.

Try doing full body massages for her. It does not have to lead to sex. Also if you are not now you should be making oral sex part of your foreplay with her.

Exactly what toy did she buy? The assumption folks are making is that it is a clitoral and or G-spot vibrator. A Hatachi Magic Wand? Or are we talking something else? 

I think that her using this on occasion by herself is normal and actually can help her become more open to being aroused by you. However if it is a substitute that is bad.

What this tells me is that you are a Nice Guy and she is not attracted to you. Proabbly more to this than that but women need a good balance of Alpha and Beta traits in their man to connect and be attracted to them to have sex. She may very well want you to be more agressive with her.


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## Deejo

If she is on anti-depressants, those are libido killers. How long has she been on them?


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## cloudwithleggs

Enchantment said:


> The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.


I'd fire this doctor, so much bull****, do yourself a favour don't bother reading it. Man do i have cravings.



> If left to their own devices, most men would choose a method of sex that reflects their purpose, which is to satisfy a craving that they experience far more intensely and far more often than their wives.


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## seeking sanity

This feels like it's a situation where you and she are both trying to meet HER needs, and no one is trying to meet YOUR needs. 

She's obviously not motivated to attend to you in that way - it's really impossible for us to know why right now. But that's the state of things. You are getting increasingly anxious and depressed because you aren't getting attended to. 

I'd do two things:

1. Back off and focus more on your own life. Get a hobby, rekindle some friendships, get out of the house and start to get engaged with things outside your relationship. There's too much investment in this woman.

2. Give some hard thought to what your limit is. RIght now you are trying every way you can think of to get sex, and it's not working. Instead, start to think, what am I willing and not willing to live with in this relationship? That gives some of the power back to you. Once you make a decision I would communicate it directly to her - "Wife, I'm not very happy with how this is going right now. I don't feel my needs are being met, and I feel like my life revolves around trying to get you to have sex with me. It's not working for either of us. We need to figure this out, or I don't see this relationship surviving."


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## *needaunderstand*

i guess it would depend. are you getting off fast before she finishes? i know the longer you go without sex, the harder it is to keep from getting off. maybe try new things. foreplay, oral, etc.


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