# Husband's Sexual Issues - Need Male Advice



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Need some male input on a few issues as I can’t figure out exactly what I’m dealing with. My husband and I have been married for more than 26 years. For several years he has suffered from some major health issues (including depression off and on—he is on medication), which has caused ED problems. For a while we were not sexually active (in other words, maybe a few times a year), because he couldn’t complete intercourse (would lose his erection), and would feel like a failure and get very frustrated. This never bothered me as there were other things we could do, but it seemed like he didn’t even want to try because he couldn’t complete intercourse (almost like he wasn’t interested if he couldn’t perform). Well, we eventually have explored other, nonconventional sexual experimentation that works for him and has reawakened his sexuality.

Here’s my first issue. I discovered a few months ago that he had put up several profiles on dating and adult sex dating websites (such as match.com, lavalife, zoosk, singlesnet, etc.). I was extremely upset and confused, while every marriage has its issues, I didn’t understand where this was coming from. I confronted him about one (match.com) and he said that it was spam e-mail and that I was crazy if I thought he was doing that, why would he do it, etc., in other words, turned it around on me. I actually began to think it was me, but realized that was ridiculous, I actually went out and saw the profiles, so I knew it wasn’t me and that I wasn’t crazy.

Now, in looking a little further, I found that there was a direct link for when he was going to these sites and the relationship between us. If we had a big fight and weren’t talking, he would go out to these sites, when we’re getting along fine, he doesn’t. So now that I’ve established the link – why do you think he does this? Does it make him feel better or more like a man if other women want to chat or are interested in him? He has ED issues (real ones, not contrived), so he can’t do anything with these women, so why? I know for a fact that other than the internet thing, he actually hasn’t DONE anything with anyone. I’ve looked and most of them he hasn’t even been back out on, but why does he do it in the first place (wasn't happening prior to the medical and ED issues)? Male menopause?

Here’s my second issue. I think he is addicted to porn. He has always been interested in porn since before we married and I knew it and didn’t have a problem with it. But, since the invention of the internet, his ED issues and the fact that he has been retired, at home and not working for the past 4 years – he surfs porn each and every day, especially when he’s in the house all day and not feeling well. It’s like he can’t not surf porn. He downloads it constantly on DVDs (we must have more than a 1,000 total), but I know he doesn’t watch it regularly – we either watch it together or I watch it. He looks at all kinds of porn (even elderly grandmothers), so it’s not just one type, but why every single day?

Here’s my third issue. Because he looks at porn every day, I would think he would be interested in sex more often, but that’s actually not the case. I’ve always been an extremely sexual person. In the 26 years we’ve been married I’ve never said no (this is true), and for the past few years I’ve been the initiator because of his feelings of failure due to the ED issues. But, I get turned down when I try to initiate (not all the time). So if he’s looking at porn every day, wouldn’t he be open to sex when I initiate? Why would he turn it down? He does occasionally masturbate and I know it and have no issues with it, but he isn’t masturbating all the time or even when he is surfing and downloading porn (don't ask me how I know this, I know). I know that he’s not turning me down because he isn’t fulfilled, we’re pretty open when dealing with what we wanted sexually (even now), so he has let me know what he’s interested in and I have gone along and been accepting of everything he wants to do and all his fantasies. So, he is getting what he wants, he just doesn’t seem to want it as much as I do (he was very sexual prior to the medical issues). This makes me feel undesirable, unloved and unattractive, which I’m not. I actually weigh less now than when we married (he weighs more), I take care of myself, don’t run around the house looking like a hag, work and bring home income to help support the family, cook, clean, etc. So what’s the deal? Is it because of his fear of failure? Is it because he hasn’t been able to complete intercourse for a while and he is reluctant to have sex all the time because I might want it and he can’t perform (we’ve tried all the drugs, they don’t work and even when we do mutual masturbation he has trouble keeping an erection so I know it’s not ME personally, rings and other things do help but not all the time)? I’m not putting any pressure on him, when I know he is tried or not feeling well I don't even broach the subject. We have sex about 2-3 times per week and with the exception of twice this year, I haven’t even asked or pressed for intercourse because of his issues – we do other things he and I like and we do have a great time when we do have sexual intimacy. So I’m confused. It’s getting to the point that I’m afraid to initiate because I fear the rejection of him saying no. We have discussed the issue, but it appears to be upsetting for him lately, so I have to tread lightly and I never get the issue resolved enough to really know what’s in his head – he is quiet, I’m not, and has never been big on talking about “feelings” he is having.

And finally, my last issue. We’ve had some pretty big arguments and some issues since this year (aftermath of his medical issues). I’ve noticed that when we do have sex, it appears to be mostly focused on him and while he touches me, etc., he doesn’t touch me with the fever he used to. Also, before the ED issues he loved oral sex on me, but I now have to ask him, he doesn’t automatically go for it like before and I almost feel like he thinks it’s a chore. And no, he is not gay, trust me.

Things are really good between us right now and we have become closer – he is more attentive, affectionate, etc., as I am…so our marriage feels to me like it is back on track and we have worked through a lot of issues that cropped up this year (with the exception of these, he’s gotten very touchy on the subject).

So here’s what I need advice on:
Why does he go out to the dating websites when we fight or he’s mad at me? 

Why can’t he not go one single day without surfing or downloading porn?

Why do I get turned down frequently? I would have sex everyday if he wouldn’t say no.

Could the turn down or “not as much fever” be due to the many arguments and issues we’ve had this year and he is feeling resentment towards me and while things are much better, he doesn’t feel as close to me as he did and is still working through it?

Are the ED issues making him feel like less of a man and he has fear of failure and there is no failure on the internet?

And because we weren’t as sexually active when he started having medical issues, is this why sex may be more focused on him (he’s regaining his sexuality)?

He has expressed that he loves me, but that he hasn’t “liked me” for my behavior the last few months while we’ve been going through our issues (my behavior has not been the best). Can this be it?

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to make sure you had all the details. And no, I’m not perfect and I have been at fault as much as him over the issues that have cropped up this year, but I’ve worked through mine and am back on track, while he appears to be getting back on track also, is this the reason for all this behavior, that he’s not back on track yet and not feeling as close as I am, etc.? 

I would really appreciate some sound input from some of the men here who might have experienced or might be going through some of the same problems or might know what’s going on. Thanks!


----------



## vibrant13 (Mar 17, 2010)

Wow, it sounds as if I could have written all of this myself. Except for the fact that we've only been married for not quite 3 years. 

I too would LOVE some input on all of this


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

vibrant13 said:


> Wow, it sounds as if I could have written all of this myself. Except for the fact that we've only been married for not quite 3 years.
> 
> I too would LOVE some input on all of this


Sorry to hear that, but hopefully we can get some input from some of the men out here. Several people have looked at the post, but no input thus far - come on guys - help US out here please!


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why does he go out to the dating websites when we fight or he’s mad at me?


I'm not quite sure. I know the times my wife and I get into fights the last damn thing I want to do is talk to another woman. In my case I usually either want to be left alone or go do some "man" thing (fish, shoot guns, lift weights, etc). In my decade + of marriage i've never gone onto a dating website. From a personal standpoint I have no interest in seeing what else is out there because I have my wife.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why can’t he not go one single day without surfing or downloading porn?


I hardly ever watch porn, maybe only a few times in the past 5 years or so. Usually the times I did look at porn was times in which our sex life sucked. During times our sex life is good (every 2-3 days) porn holds no interest to me. You mentioned he looks at all kinds of porn and not just any specific porn. Could he be wanting to do things like roleplay and other kinds of changes in sex? Have you talked to him about it to see if he would be interested in doing those things with you? Maybe he would like you to wear a school-girl dress, or act like you don't know him? Have you both sat down when your not in an arguing mode and spoke about what you'd like out of intimacy?



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why do I get turned down frequently? I would have sex everyday if he wouldn’t say no.


Life can be a cruel mistress Married! When we guys are young we are chasing tail like it's going out of style. Then when you ladies finally start to peak sexually, us guys are getting less interested in it!! 

Him having ED is not going to help things very much. How is he with exercising? Does he keep healthy, watch what he eats, etc? I have a genetic condition that causes me to have irregular heartbeats. Because of that condition I take a Beta blocker to regulate my rythm (Coreg/carvivedol). That medicine has a very large incidence of ED. I've been on it now over 10 years and I have never had an incidence of ED. My Cardiologist attributes that to the fact that I work out religiously. 



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Could the turn down or “not as much fever” be due to the many arguments and issues we’ve had this year and he is feeling resentment towards me and while things are much better, he doesn’t feel as close to me as he did and is still working through it?


I know when my wife and I fight I want nothing to do with her sexually. I am not one of the guys who will have angry sex. I have to feel close to my wife to want to be intimate. I completely feel that the more a couple argues the worse the sex will be. As to how much of it is you and how much of it is him? I don't know. I will assume it's somewhere in the middle.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Are the ED issues making him feel like less of a man and he has fear of failure and there is no failure on the internet?


:iagree: Most definitely! With himself he will have no anxiety because if he can't do it he knows he won't be letting you down. He won't have to feel the shame of looking into your eyes because he can't perform for you. I honestly though don't know what exactly to tell you to do to help him with that performance anxiety. Maybe another guy on here who has had issues with ED may be able to give you insight.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And because we weren’t as sexually active when he started having medical issues, is this why sex may be more focused on him (he’s regaining his sexuality)?


I can only deduce things from the 1 post you have written. Seems more to me he's embarrassed about the ED. I think alot of the times he focuses on himself because he may be afraid if he takes too long he will "loose" it the few times he can get hard. So he focuses on himself because he never knows when the next time will be.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He has expressed that he loves me, but that he hasn’t “liked me” for my behavior the last few months while we’ve been going through our issues (my behavior has not been the best). Can this be it?


It could be, but unless I know otherwise it's generally not a 1 way street with things like this. Sure you may have been able to do things differently, but he has his own part he's played in things.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks for much Crypsys for your response. There are some things you mentioned that I will think about and reflect on.

As far as the roleplay, etc., yes we have discussed this and we are (when we are intimate) doing everything he's looking at on the porn sites - I think a lot of his constant surfing/downloading has to do with the fact that he's home alone while I work during the week and after puttering around with "honey do's," and some of his own interests, he gets bored and just starts surfing. I have noticed that when he is more occupied, he is looking at porn less, so maybe this is just part of who he is, its not like I didn't know he was into porn when we married - I did. I think the fact that I turned 50 this year has something to do with my feeling inadequate, all those hormones bouncing back and forth! :lol:

He is on several medications that have side effects of ED, so while he does exercise (to the point he can considering his health issues), his doctor and I believe some of it is medication and some of it is in his head (performance anxiety as you mentioned). That's the reason I have not tried to pressure him for intercourse and just let it happen (or try to happen) when he thinks he is ready, though I do miss it. 

It makes sense that he doesn't want anything to do with me sexually when he's angry, its just that I get over things quicker and want to get back to where we were, but it takes him longer - I have to constantly tell myself "he's not me, he's not me," I think a lot of women have this problem, they think they're husband thinks and feels like they do.

Again, thanks, hope there are more men out there willing to put their two cents in - good or bad, I'd love to get their opinion.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It makes sense that he doesn't want anything to do with me sexually when he's angry, its just that I get over things quicker and want to get back to where we were, but it takes him longer - I have to constantly tell myself "he's not me, he's not me," I think a lot of women have this problem, they think they're husband thinks and feels like they do.


Exactly! I lie 99% of my life running around joking, being sarcastic and just enjoying life. I do not have a short fuse at all, it's more like a slow burning fuse. It doesn't light easily, but once it does I can tell you it takes me days to cool off. My wife can be randomly pissed at me for almost nothing and for like 10 minutes and then right after act like nothing happened. I on the other hand need a lot of time to calm down. It's just something as you say we have to learn how to deal with about our spouse. My wife has learned that once I do get angry to just leave me alone and let me be, once I calm down we can then talk about it, etc. I have learned as well not to overreact when she gets pissed at me and realize she's just venting and I have learned to let that go.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

garbage in = garbage out


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> garbage in = garbage out


This post doesn't deserve a response, but here's one anyway. People are on this site to get sound advice/opinions about real problems they are trying to struggle through. Non-productive posts only make you look bad and them feel worse. Based on the numerous posts you have made on this site, I am of the opinion that you are extremely hard-hearted and bitter. Its apparent, to me, that your ex husband's issues were not the only problems in your relationship. Good luck finding that "perfect man," let us know when you do. In the meantime, take a bit of your own advice - garbage in = garbage out.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

I DID take my own advise and I left my husband. I am not looking for a "perfect man" just preferably one that likes women only(LOL) and is able to be emotionally intimate with me. This may never happen... so be it. I would rather be alone than be mistreated and emotionally abused. I am of the belief that when men feed their minds(and are permitted to) with garbage like porn and surf the net with pictures on profiles/dating sites they should be told it is unacceptable HARD STOP. This is not how a partner should resolve ED issues. I am not hard hearted I am a sweet heart of a woman who has had her heart broken. I have come to the realization that I didn't deserve the way my husband handled our crisis. Not by a long shot. I advise you to look seriously at your husbands behaviour and think of your future. So many women settle for this nonsense for reasons of their own. I'm just emphasizing that people who feed themselves garbage produce garbage. A porn addiction and dating websites are not the way to go and have no role in my future relationships. I was in many different phases prior to my realization. I was first in shock then denial and then extreme anger, when the dust settled I took a HARD look at myself. I want peace of mind at ALL costs. Hard stop.... whether that is alone or with a man in the future that is up to God. My husband crossed a boundary that was unacceptable. I am asking you to reflect on your boundaries...


----------



## Quads123 (May 27, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> I DID take my own advise and I left my husband. I am not looking for a "perfect man" just preferably one that likes women only(LOL) and is able to be emotionally intimate with me. This may never happen... so be it. I would rather be alone than be mistreated and emotionally abused. I am of the belief that when men feed their minds(and are permitted to) with garbage like porn and surf the net with pictures on profiles/dating sites they should be told it is unacceptable HARD STOP. This is not how a partner should resolve ED issues. I am not hard hearted I am a sweet heart of a woman who has had her heart broken. I have come to the realization that I didn't deserve the way my husband handled our crisis. Not by a long shot. I advise you to look seriously at your husbands behaviour and think of your future. So many women settle for this nonsense for reasons of their own. I'm just emphasizing that people who feed themselves garbage produce garbage. A porn addiction and dating websites are not the way to go and have no role in my future relationships. I was in many different phases prior to my realization. I was first in shock then denial and then extreme anger, when the dust settled I took a HARD look at myself. I want peace of mind at ALL costs. Hard stop.... whether that is alone or with a man in the future that is up to God. My husband crossed a boundary that was unacceptable. I am asking you to reflect on your boundaries...


Amanda 

I know you are hurt and angry but who are you to judge on what is an isn't acceptable? We all have our boundaries yours were crossed. Her aren't. Mind you I agree with you 100% on your response just don't feel attacking someone else is the way to do it to prove your stance. 

Its obvious her H has a problem. One bigger than this board can fix. To me I would get him some help. To me there is a larger issue here then anyone can understand. Find someone that can help your H get better and be intimate with just you.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

OK...just saw your other post about people not responding.

In response to THAT post - this one is a whopper. I know its hard to keep things short, but usually longer "introductory" posts are slow to get responses.

In general, it sounds like a major confidence issue to me. Even if you aren't pressuring him, he's still likely feeling like less of a man. So sex with you = stress. Sex alone = quick and easy sex.

The dating sites could just be curiousity. Or - if you are having problems getting along - he could legitimately be looking for someone to just talk to. You mentioned that you've been a bit difficult to live with recently.

What I really don't get is why the obsession with porn if he's not masturbating. That is a lot of porn. I guess I always assumed that masturbating accompanied a porn addiction, but maybe that's not the case. Although - it reminds me a bit of when I first discovered many years ago that you could download music (free and illegally) off of the net. I began collecting a LOT of music - a lot more than I could ever listen to - just because it was THERE. It killed time and maybe it was a way to avoid other issues - not sure. Wonder if he's just kind of "hoarding" this stuff because its out there to be hoarded...???

You said he's on meds for depression - is he also in therapy?

This really does sound like a lot to be dealing with - not a simple and straightforward answer.

Good luck!


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

maybe you should re-read my response and count the number of "I"'s...I am not judging rather I am asking if this is really acceptable to her?...nothing more than a therapist would ask her...
I am asking her why is this acceptable to her? downloading porn and several dating websites...why is this OK?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OP, all of the questions asked here need to be addressed to your h b/c no one else can truly give anything remotely like insight to HIS mind. Have you two done any counseling? It might really help. He may have a lot of unexpressed feelings about his health and ED, and being guided in discussion might really help you both cover some ground, emotionally, in a relatively short time. 

Not being able to climax is extremely frustrating, but he's wrong to take it out on you (by looking at dating sites). He may need to mourn the loss of his prior virility before he stops displacing his anger and frustration onto you. That may help increase the frequency beyond 2-3x/week. But I think you are wise not to push it right now, but also to keep initiating so HE does not think he's unattractive. And you need to work on self-esteem, because it clearly has nothing to do with how attractive you are--it's obviously his issue, and you are only making trouble for the two of you by letting it eat at your self esteem. So get that thought out of your head, find a way to communicate better on the issue, and good luck!


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

ps. good luck with the depressed erectile disfunctioned porn addicted, dating site surfing husband...how does that feel married wifeinlove? wtf


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks to all for some good posts and opinions/advice.

My husband is in therapy and has been, I am in therapy also and we are in couples therapy, things have gotten a lot better and we are closer and he is more open with me.

And yes, there are HUGE issues that will not be resolved by this board or, in my opinion, any type of therapy or medication - just controlled. One thing I left out of my original post is part of my husband's medical issues are a brain injury that he suffered in an accident, this has caused a whole crop of its own issues as his personality has changed, etc. So along with the physical part of his medical issues, he has mental also that are beyond his control. Amanda - this is why I might be more tolerant than most people.

:iagree:And I totally agree about downloading "because it's there." In fact, upon reflection I realized that I look at the porn he downloads a lot more than he does. Porn is not all he is downloading, he downloads everything...old TV series, movies, cartoons, etc., and rarely watches anything, I think he's addicted to downloading! 

And as an update, during a conversation on Monday about a TV commercial (match.com), he mentioned that he had taken his profile down, I asked why and he said "that he didn't need it anymore, it just filled a gap when he needed someone to talk to." So, that was right on target also, he was reaching out to others when he felt like he couldn't reach out to me.

And on a last point - Amanda - I am not "settling" or accepting things, I am more than capable of taking care of myself, by myself if that's what I wished to do, I love my husband, as much today as I did the day I married him, and I am willing to be there and support him no matter what. He, at least, deserves that much from me, his wife of 26 years, as he is going through some difficult medical issues that he DID NOT cause. 

I'm not perfect either and have exhibited some behavior in the past that wouldn't be considered acceptable by others either, I'm human, I realize that and realize that he is too and because of that - I'm willing to work things out versus walking out.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think the brain injury info is really important. Quite possibly all of this behavior, and his inability to listen/change, is related to that. BIs are such life-altering injuries. I'm so sorry--I don't know enough to help, but I sure have a lot of sympathy. This is a very tough situation and I hope you are taking good care of yourself as you take care of him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Help him find an organization to volunteer at.


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

take up tennis, play chess, learn a new language, pick up a musical instrument, read books, garden, pet sit for a friend, paint, redecorate the bedroom...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> take up tennis, play chess, learn a new language, pick up a musical instrument, read books, garden, pet sit for a friend, paint, redecorate the bedroom...


Appreciate the input, but I did say he's had a brain injury, he is physically and mentally unable to do most of what is on your list, tires easily after an hour or so, but does try, working in the yard, fiddling with his old cars, etc., but can't do long stretches, makes all of the issues worse, and wish he could volunteer but he has major memory issues from the BI, sometimes he doesn't even know what day it is, he is a military veteran (hence the BI), and also has PTSD, sees the VA regularly, is in a group and has two counselors he sees regularly, so as you can see Im dealing with a lot of variables to my situation other than a scumbag, wayward husband, so...dont think theyll resolve anytime soon, one good piece of news though, hasnt been out to any dating websites in a couple of weeks (probably forgot about them...lol), see, at least Im keeping my sense of humor, thanks everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## batmanmax (Jun 5, 2010)

I can share some insight on most of your concerns, but cannot comment first hand on the ED issue (but can guess what the relations are):



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> So here’s what I need advice on:
> Why does he go out to the dating websites when we fight or he’s mad at me?


As you realized in an earlier post, this is absolutely a safety net for him to fall back on either to 1) generate more interest in his life or 2) to turn to whenever there's conflict or dispute with you. In a strange way, this is no different than a person turning to a close friend to confide in during an argument or fight. Although dating site are for the most part a one way street (assuming he's not following through on the connection), it still provides that initial fantasy and excitement that he is delving into the initial stages of new engagements. That's the beauty and danger of the internet, is that you can do what you want and take it far or not ... it's all up to the person. This is a hard one to curb, as with the porn, this will require his own realization and desire to want to change. Lastly, putting up profile, allow him to portray himself in whatever light, so all his imperfections are not shown to others. This is a real "hook" for men to constantly surf networking sites, married or not.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why can’t he not go one single day without surfing or downloading porn?


This is a really hard one. It's one of those habits that get worse over time and it's hard to break. I can say that this is truly more of a habit than a need (as I myself managed to break the cycle and am porn free for the last year - I swear I'm seeing things in a new light ... porn brings on so many negatives). Although not necessarily healthy if viewed excessively, it is a really awesome way for a man to get his "quick fix". There's no second or third party involved, it's a solo activity fully controlled by one, no need to impress anyone else and doesn't have the physical burden/obligations/requirements/expectations associated with real sex. It's quick and simple and you clean up and move on to the next activity in your day. In addition, seeing women and acts that would normally not be accessible to you in everyday is a harsh attraction. It's like voyeurism and offers a window into an alternate world. As per the all sorts of porn, this is purely because he is continually getting desensitized with what he's seeing (I went through the same thing). First it's couple sex, then you get bored and move onto group sex, then interracial, then young/old, MILF, public, voyeur, etc, etc and you keep searching for something different that will turn you on. This is the part that I'm not sure. I know ED is a medical, but I'm not sure how much of it is a physical limitation and how much is a mental one. In other words, could there be a possibility that he could get physically aroused watching porn, whereas, he's not with you?



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why do I get turned down frequently? I would have sex everyday if he wouldn’t say no.


Once again, there are many factors to this (I'm sure). Porn is a quicker and cleaner "fix" for him. Always throwing new visuals and idea to him, whereas sex with the same person will or is mundane. And no, just because he watches more porn, doesn't necessarily mean he should want more sex with you. In fact, it sounds like he prefers porn over you. This is why I say porn can be a b*itch for a relationship. 



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Are the ED issues making him feel like less of a man and he has fear of failure and there is no failure on the internet?
> 
> And because we weren’t as sexually active when he started having medical issues, is this why sex may be more focused on him (he’s regaining his sexuality)?


I would say it has more to do with the porn. Watching it as often as he is, your perception of sex and partners become skewed ... big time. You start to expect the same sexual acts as what you see in porn (this is for men, I'm not speaking for how women interprets porn). So he views you and treats you (I'm sure without intention) as one of his porn subjects and would have expectations for you to act out. This again will always set you up for failure, as you will never be able to achieve the feats performed on the internet, no matter how open you are to his ideas. Porn will warp a man's views on what sex should be about. 



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> He has expressed that he loves me, but that he hasn’t “liked me” for my behavior the last few months while we’ve been going through our issues (my behavior has not been the best). Can this be it?


My guess for what he's going through with ED is a massive one for a man. I don't have it, but have experienced a couple of occasions where I couldn't get it up with my partner and it was so devastating psychologically. I was fearful to be close with my partner and put pressure on myself to perform everytime. With ED, I can't imagine the toll and can absolutely see the safe haven of turning to porn and single sites ... there's no judgement there. And everytime, he will tend to use arguments with you as a reason to fuel his need to jump onto the computer. It may even be at a point, where deep down he hopes for a conflict, as it will give him justification for surfing these sites. Screwed up, I know, but true. And the other piece, which may be just as big, is the fact that it sounds like you are the breadwinner and the provider for the household. If this is true, then this is a big blow to his ego and may deter him from being intimate with you. And the more vocal you are, the more he will draw back and get annoyed. No man wishes to feel helpless and not the "provider" of his family. I don't doubt this will add to his ED issues.

The final note I'll say is, you seem very certain in many of your statements about knowing your husband. I would only say to not be that naive in thinking you know everything there is to know about him. I'm not saying there's anything else he's hiding, I'm just saying to not be so sure.

In the end, I believe, the change will need to happen on his end. Even going to counselling, doesn't necessarily mean he's willing to change. I've seen many close couples go to counselling and have it not work because one of the partners was truly not willing to change, even though they went through the motion of seeing a therapist.

Good Luck!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks for the response, some great insight there. I agree, I "don't know" everything about my husband, one person cannot truly know everything about someone else ever as they only know what they see and what that person says and how they behave. Only God knows everything about us, so I understand that fully.

Now, remember, my husband has had a brain injury. They believe he has damage to his frontal lobe and his hypothalamus, as I do more research and spend more time with his doctors, ut is becoming clear that some of these behaviors are not unusual at all for someone with a brain injury in these areas. In fact, I am becoming more understanding and tolerant as I get more information, as the injury he has does affect him in numerous ways, physically and mentally. His "executive decision" is affected (also known as stimulus-bound behavior), along with other things due to where they believe he has deficits in his brain from the accident.

So, as I said previously I am dealing with an array of variables to my situation, some of which I probably haven't even been confronted with, and others that I'm aware of and trying my bes to deal with. So there is no quick fix and this I realize, but input and of course research on my own eases my insecurity and fears. His doctor put it best. "Your husband is like an Ahlzheimer's patient, one day he seems perfectly normal, then the next day he could run into the street, take his clothes off and start masturbating and not even know it." That's actually a spot-on comparison, there are days when my husband seems like the old guy (the one I was married to), and others where he doesn't even know what day it is. Very confusing and hard for me to adapt to, this is why I've entered counseling to learn how to deal with him and the aftermath of his brain injuries.

But, it helps to get input from others - again, thanks.


----------



## buck200 (Jun 10, 2010)

I've been a little addicted to porn myself at times and pushed my wife away (because I'm getting my sex online). Sex can seem a little stale after so many years of marriage and porn seems more exciting. I would really love it if my wife would be into the same stuff as me and maybe surf porn with me. Have you tried to be part of it? Maybe find out what he's into and try to be more adventurous? I bet he still loves you.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

buck200 said:


> I've been a little addicted to porn myself at times and pushed my wife away (because I'm getting my sex online). Sex can seem a little stale after so many years of marriage and porn seems more exciting. I would really love it if my wife would be into the same stuff as me and maybe surf porn with me. Have you tried to be part of it? Maybe find out what he's into and try to be more adventurous? I bet he still loves you.


Actually its interesting you would bring that up. I also like porn, and do surf for it and watch it with him, I AM actually into the same types of sexual activities that interest him (hey, they turn me on too! - sorry for those offended). And as for adventurous, I could tell you things...but they are too hot for any of the forums available here. So, bottom line, that truly is not the issue. I just think he's bored with limited activity due to his many medical issues and its "something to do." I actually know he still loves me as he tells me, but thanks for the affirmation.


----------



## buck200 (Jun 10, 2010)

So that isn't the issue. Thinking about it I really use porn in the same way as I use alcohol, to relieve boredom or when I'm feeling down. I become so involved in it that I forget about everything else. I think you are right it is probably a symptom of something else. Unfortunately I don't have any solutions. This is one case where I would suggest counseling for you, him or both.
Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I use Spider Solitaire or Sudoku.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

To each his own Tunera - and Buck, we already have been in counseling due his medical issues, so already covered there. Interesting enough, he didn't surf porn on Fri, Sat or Sun this week, guess I was keeping him from being bored! :lol:


----------

