# Being honest with myself for once.



## ThatHappyLittleFamily (Mar 19, 2011)

Today things came to a head with my husband. To be honest, half of the time we speak to each other it's with a tone of resentment. Today, it was just all resentment. Arguing. Yelling. Crying. With my 4 year old son present. Not our finest hour. I think things are falling apart, and I know I don't want that to happen, but I'm having a hard time admitting my own fault here. I think I secretly hold all of the blame over my own head, but would be the last person to want to admit any of it to the world. I want to be the perfect wife, but he makes me hate him. He has ADD, and I cannot express how infinitely TIRED I am, to have to take on so much. To have to constantly remind, nag, complain. To feel like I have 2 children instead of 1. I feel like my husband is ineffective in almost everything he tries to accomplish. I wanted him to pay to have his car fixed, he wanted to save the money and do it himself. That was over 2 weeks ago and it's still not done. He needs his car to get to school, and has been missing much of it.

My husband is frustrated because he feels that everytime I respond to him it is negatively. I wouldn't say that's far from accurate, but I think he fails to see the way he talks to me. He expects me to change my attitude around when his number one word to describe me is "****ty". My husband was laid off 2 years ago and we had to move in with my mom. He would raise his voice and scream things about my family when we would argue. Because of this I've learned to stifle my feelings toward him and not express them. I shut down. I don't even know how to tell him why I'm angry. I really have to sit and think to figure it out myself. 

Today my husband told me I'm fat, lazy, and soon I'm going to be alone. I am fat. I weigh 260 lbs. I used to be skinny. Guess what? It still hurts to hear it. I started dieting less than week ago after a different fight we had in which he told me I was fat and disgusting. He sees me as lazy, I don't really know how to respond to that. I work 30-40 hours a week as a nurse's assistant. I work overnights quite often which my body doesn't tolerate well. I also have a 15 credit hour classload right now as I'm starting on the course toward my RN. Yesterday, I came home at 3 PM, after working all night and day from 11pm the previous night, to 2pm that day. I napped on the couch for an hour, then watched TV for a few more hours. This infuriated him as he was cleaning the bedroom. He goes to school too, but doesn't work as he's got a back problem that doesn't allow him to. He did thank me the day before, for picking up, vacuuming, doing the dishes, and mopping the kitchen floor after I came home from work, and before I took off for my overnight shift. (Get the sense that I dont' think his judgement here was fair?)

I don't have sex with my husband. I've blamed it on several things. The fact of the matter is, 1. I don't function well if I don't get enough sleep., 2. Our 4 year old son sleeps in our bed., 3. (And this one is the biggest.) I think my husband is attractive, but I don't think I am. I also find myself disgusted with his lack of success in completeing everyday tasks, so I just don't want to.... I know this is horrible and terrible. I can't help it. I love him, but more often than not I'm frustrating with all of these shortcomings and I can't see past them. The last time we had sex was almost 6 months ago. It had been almost a year before that. I secretly liked that his back hurt him too much so we had to stop.

Wow, I sound like the wicked witch of the west. Maybe I am. I don't know. I'm a nice bubbly person, but easy to anger when it comes to family. I'm stubborn as hell and it's keeping me from getting past my own ego.

There's so much going on here. So many problems and so much resentment. I've been rambling for 15 minutes and I don't feel like I've communicated anything clearly.


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## ThatHappyLittleFamily (Mar 19, 2011)

I still feel like there's so much more to this. A few more things.

Almost 3 years ago, my husband came to me and told me he had be "talking" to his ex for a couple of months. That he didn't think there was anything left to save in our marriage and that he'd be leaving. I was devastated. Voicemails and letters proved there was more than "talking" involved, but I don't beleive it became a phyisical affair. He decided to stay with me and try to work it out and save our family. I had deep trust issues. It took me over a year to finally let this go. 

I am scared of separating because I know that I could not meet all of the bills of a household on my own. He brings in more money than me, even without working. (He recieves a disability stipend from the military) 

My husband often threatens that if he goes I will not get custody of my son. Of course this terrifies me. His cites the fact that I don't have enough money on my own to support my son. He also says that my family, or my parent's old somewhat dilapidated home isn't safe for a child. 

My husband has PTSD, depression, anxiety, and a panic disorder. Today more than once he told me if this doesn't stop he's going to end up dead. This is not the first time he's done this. I've made him talk to therapists about this, who aren't really that concerned about his mental instability. He's still seeing therapists. I'm starting to resent the fact that he's using anxiety as a pawn in our relationship.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

If he is seeing counselors who aren't that concerned about his mental instability, then he needs new counselors. Does he see counselors that specialize in PTSD and anxiety issues? If not, he probably needs to see a counselor that is experienced in that area. 

I really do not know whatt to tell you, other than I'm sure living with someone who has PTSD or any other mental issues I'm sure is very tough. Ultimatly it will have to probably come down to what you are willing to put up with and not. I would say your focus right now needs to be more on yourself and child. you can NOT change your husband no matter how much you might want too. Work on you, seek IC for yourself.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*hug* So sorry that you are being treated like this. Your husband is obviously scarred by his experiences in the military.
If you feel fat, it is hard to make love. Him pointing out that you're fat doesn't help. I'm more concerned for the effects on your health, which obesity can have.
Why did you have to move in with your mother, if he makes more money even when he is unemployed? Please clarify?

If you can prove that he is abusive, that will weaken his custody case. Get away from this man, or else you will have no self esteem left and you will develop anxiety yourself.
Ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to be treated like nothing. Maybe seeing a therapist would be helpful?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThatHappyLittleFamily (Mar 19, 2011)

Mrs. G, I did not start working again until he was laid off, there was that boost in income, along with the fact that he has since been given a stipend for military disability, and a stipend he recieves for going to school. GI bill Basic Housing Allowance.

Based on your post, I'm now sitting here wondering, is this mental abuse? Or have I left out all the points that defend him? Or would that just mean that we're mentally abusive to each other? I don't know if there is any self-esteem left. Maybe that's why I'm so set on feeling like it's me tearing this apart. I was watching Dr. Oz the other day where he said everyone should focus on one part of their body that they like. It took me 5 minutes to decide that I liked my ears. Then all I could think was... how sad, I like my ears. I'm the woman who advocates to all of her friends to stand up for themselves, that they deserve better, but I don't have the first clue on how to be happy with myself, with or without my husband.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

One of the first things you might need to do is stop trying to be "the perfect wife" there is no such thing. All you can do, is try to be the best at being a wife and mother the best way you know how.

As far as the mental issues he sas, you might need to do some reading up on those issues and see if it can give you any suggestions on things to try for someone who has a loved one with PTSD. Counseling for yourself is a must. Especially if you remain with him.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

ThatHappyLittleFamily said:


> I am scared of separating because I know that I could not meet all of the bills of a household on my own. He brings in more money than me, even without working. (He recieves a disability stipend from the military)
> 
> My husband often threatens that if he goes I will not get custody of my son. Of course this terrifies me. His cites the fact that I don't have enough money on my own to support my son. He also says that my family, or my parent's old somewhat dilapidated home isn't safe for a child.


You need to talk to a lawyer, many of them will do an initial consultation free.

Don't let these threats prevent you from seeking happiness, fact is many states may very well require that he PAYS you support so that you can live on your own. Please consider learning your options rather than living in fear of these threats.


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