# my heart still hurts!!!!



## BECKS<3 (Aug 5, 2010)

i am a young newly married and somewhat of a new mom but my heart still feels broken! i know i should be so blissfully happy, but something is holding me back! i love my husband so much i always have and always will. i just can't get over what he did to me. so please your advice is greatly needed because i can't do this myself!

my husband before we were married cheated on me and i found out the day i found out i was pregnant. i didn't tell him i knew. then three months later he leaves me for some girl in FL. we weren't together after that and i did the pregnancy alone and it made me a stronger person. after our daughter was born he told me he wanted to work on us getting back together. i told him to stop tweaking and we would. over the course of a couple weeks i would get texts that werent for me but for the girl in Fl. and they were loving texts. once again i didn't say anything. he gets his life on track, stops the drugs, and starts to clean up. he proposes and i accept. 2 months later i catch him STILL texting this girl in FL. i leave and refuse to talk to him. he deletes her out of his life. a week before we get married i tell him i know he cheated way back when. we now share the same facebook, go through each others phones and what not. it's been almost a year since i caught him talking to that girl and he hasn't been shady since then, he has a stable job, i KNOW for a fact he is now full devoted to me and our daughter and that he now loves both of us. But the thing is i am still so hurt and so bitter. i have forgiven him but i will never forget. and it frustrates him because i always bring it up in fights. i feel like i can't fully let go. and its causing a void. and the thing is i get hit on so many times a day and all my ex's wish they had me back. i just don't know why i wasn't good enough for the ONE guy i have ever loved....please help me!!! is this problem beyond repair??


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> ...is this problem beyond repair??


Some pains take longer than others to heal. I'm so sorry that you and your husband have to share this pain. I do think that there are some things you can do that will speed up your healing process. One thing that can cause a lot of pain is when you assume things and react to them. Here is a great example:



> i just don't know why i wasn't good enough for the ONE guy i have ever loved


My guess is that this is not the reason at all, and that a lot of your pain is based upon you assuming that this is true. My guess is that your husband was either feeling a great deal of anxiety of commitment, and tried to find a way to avoid it - either that, or else he simply had not yet figured out exactly what the word commitment truly means. The thing is - he has now. He is fully committed to you, and as long as you both keep your marriage affair-free, you will have a long and happy relationship.

The pain and stress you feel from assuming that somehow you weren't 'good enough' is something that hurts - and yet you really do not know the actual reason why it happened! In other words, your pain over just that one single part of the issue could be caused by your imagination! As long as you allow your imagination and thoughts to create things for which you then react to negatively, you will be miserable.

There is one issue I'm gonna call you on: you wrote:



> i have forgiven him but i will never forget. and it frustrates him because i always bring it up in fights. i feel like i can't fully let go. and its causing a void.


Pretty much the exact definition of forgiving someone is to never bring it up again. It means that you have decided that you will no longer use a past action in a negative way against the person who committed that act. In other words - _you have not forgiven him at all_. 

You are absolutely right - you may never forget it. Over time, it may become irrelevant, but most things are not forgotten. Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. If you forgive your husband, you will deliberately, consciously, never bring up the past action again - in any way that is negative. 

The issue is not forgetting, but resenting. *And resentment is deadly poison to a marriage.*

Here is a description of the poison:

*harboring animosity against a person whom I feel has mistreated me.
*unresolved anger I have over a negative event which occurred in my past life.
*seething, aching emotional turmoil I feel whenever a certain person or event is discussed.
*lack of forgiving, the inability to let go and forget.
root of distrust and suspicion I have when dealing with people or events that brought me pain in the past.
* unresolved grief I experience when I find it difficult to accept a loss.
* result of being heartbroken after exerting a great deal of effort and energy to achieve something that eventually was lost to me.
* result of feeling that I was unjustly victimized with no resolution to the problem.
* long-term suffering in silence when an open expression of hurt is unwanted and uninvited.

The point is that resentment is not healthy, and that it is fatal to a marriage. There are a lot of people on this site who are walking examples of what happens if resentment is not dealt with.

So the issue you have is, "How do I deal with my resentment of what my _boyfriend_ (not husband then!) did?"

There are things you can do to help with that. The first thing I suggest - and this is actually more effective than it first seems - is to quite using the word 'can't' and exchange it for the real, honest word: "won't" - here is an example:



> i feel like i can't fully let go. and its causing a void.


Change that into 'I feel like I won't fully let go. and its causing a void.' Also, I'd change the word 'feel' into the more appropriate 'think' - as in 'I think I won't let go...'

When you begin to change your inner dialog into terms which demonstrate to you that you have the ability to change things in your life, you'll begin to be freer - and your marriage will improve.

One last thing - this is a red flag to me, so I hope you go into this a bit more: you wrote: 



> and the thing is i get hit on so many times a day and all my ex's wish they had me back.


Be very careful here. This is the language that can justify affairs, and there probably should be very little reason why you should have any idea what your 'ex's think. Or would it also be fair then, for your husband to check up with the girl who caused a lot of this stress for you in order to see if she still wants him?


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