# Got caught with the neighbors wife...



## badguy11

About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from my neighbor, and also a good friend, saying that he knows I have been romantically involved with his wife. We have been neighbors for abt 3 years, our kids are similar in ages and play together all the time. This infidelity started about 3 months ago via text. My neighbors wife "Fran" and I started texting each other innocently enough, and then one night after I had been drinking a little, I sent an inappropriate text and instead of being shut down, received a rebuttal text that was just as risque... This is when it began.
A background of our families; they have been married for about 13 yrs, i have been married for 7. 
We got caught cause she wrote a detailed letter and he found it, ironically the letter was a prelude to ending this. She is a really good person who apparently was having a hard time in her marriage. They had problems way before any of this started. Im not sure if thats why she opened up to this relationship, or if there were other reasons.
He has been a gentleman throughout this entire ordeal. He has not told my wife, cause he doesn't want to break up our family, which i am obviously greatful for, but just makes me feel that much more horrible. His wife and my wife are very good friends, and as much as i don't want her to know for my own selfish reasons, i also would hate for her to feel uncomfortable in our neighborhood and lose one of her closest friends.
I know I am a complete scumbag, i never meant for things to go where they went. They are a beautiful family, and the thought of them falling apart because of me is tearing me up inside. I need to know if there is anything i could possibly do to make things better. The amount of self hate I have is enormous. Thank you for reading and any comments you may have, negative or positive.


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## SaltInWound

Your wife is going to find out. You better be the one to tell her.


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## badguy11

I actually want to tell her in some ways, its driving me insane. I just would hate to destroy the relationship she has with this woman if there is any possible way for us to make things work.,


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## SaltInWound

Why are you expecting your wife to be friends with your OW?


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## Regga

So what's going on in your marriage? Why did you go to "greener" grass? Do you plan to keep this affair a secret from your wife? 
I have a thousand hateful things to say about cheaters that keep their affairs secret...I'll think you'll find this forum filled with a similar perspective. But, alas...I will not throw stones. 
What do you want from your marriage? Figure out what you want and be true to it from here forward. If you are interested in leaving because you want attention from other women, do it. Leave! If you want your marriage, work your butt off to save it from here forward. But remember this: trust is a foundation for any relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane

badguy11 said:


> I actually want to tell her in some ways, its driving me insane. I just would hate to destroy the relationship she has with this woman if there is any possible way for us to make things work.,


There are no good options for you. You have about two options and they both suck:

1. Tell your wife about it.

2. Wait for your wife to find out about it from him or his wife.

I think #1 is the better option, it gives you the chance to at least appear honest to your wife. How is your wife going to feel when they are getting divorced, or your wife and his wife have a tiff, or when he gets upset with his wife, when SOMETHING goes wrong, and your wife is finally clued in. Three weeks from now, three months from now, three years from now? And YOU never said a word.

Pull the band-aid off and take the pain now, it will only be worse later.

Chances of three people keeping a secret? Want to hazard a guess as to how long three people who see each other every day can keep a secret from the fourth?


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## walkonmars

SaltInWound said:


> Your wife is going to find out. You better be the one to tell her.


:iagree:

No doubt about it. None at all. Suck it up and come clean. And when you do, be forthright about it. Full truth. Accept what she tells you to do. Apologize on your knees. Tell her you will give up alcohol, make your phone etc available to her. NEVER speak to the OW again. You have work to do.


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## the guy

Good poeple don't phuck around and cheat on there kids and spouse, so stop folling your self, SHE IS A BAD PERSON!!!!!!

As far as your concerned I suggest you find out why you lack the boundries to have a healthy commited relationship, maybe you have validation issues or maybe it self esteem issues along with intitlement issues...hell I don't know but you will be best served by going to individual counseling to learn the tools to affair proof your marriage.

In addition you can work with your shrink in how the best way to tell your old lady and face the consequences that one must face to prevent unhealthy behavior from continueing.


Once you can learn the tools to prevent this choice you made from happening again then maybe you can have a healthy marriage.

In short fix, your self before you can fix your marriage.

It been my experience that once you have the capacity to commit adultory it gets easier the next time around. So enles you grow up wanting to be a cheater and like the way your life is going then strat working on the problem, and that problem is understanding why you lack the boundries , self esteem, valitation, intitlement ..or what every the hell made you choose to betray your family!

Sweeping this under the rug won't help you in the future, you won't learn a damb thing, so face the consequences and learn.

Or screw it try to forget and then the next chick that comes around and takes your offer you can hate your self even more and hate the person you are becoming.

I used to hit my wife...I didn't like the person I became.

In your case I don't think you will like the person you will become if you bury this.


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## badguy11

@ Regga, I deserve the stones... I love my wife more than anything. We have always had somewhat of an odd relationship. We tried swinging a while back, have had a few "interesting" moments with other couples and she has in the past told me how the thought of me being intimate with another woman turns her on. But she runs hot and cold with these ideas where i am constantly running hot. She even gave me a hall pass with the exception of neighbors and friends, ironically i f***ed that up. I know she will forgive me, at least i hope she will forgive me, I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up. I know its a confusing situation. I hate knowing how badly i hurt this guy.


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## AlphaHalf

> I know I am a complete scumbag, i never meant for things to go where they went. They are a beautiful family, and the thought of them falling apart because of me is tearing me up inside. I need to know if there is anything i could possibly do to make things better.


Both you decided to cheat and didn't give a thought of the "beautiful Family" with your selfish actions. The only way to make things better is to be TRUTHFUL with your wife about the affair. It will be "better" for you to tell your wife then for her to find out from the husband. Don't expect him to be quiet to long because one day the anger and rage will make him change his mind. (Who could blame him, I know I would)

You will truly be the SCUMBAG if you don't tell your wife. Your an adult, a man, so take accountability for your ACTIONS. What will you tell your kids in the future when they make a drastic mistake?? Is it to live a deceitful life or be honest and own up to their mistakes????


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## Will_Kane

Will_Kane said:


> There are no good options for you. You have about two options and they both suck:
> 
> 1. Tell your wife about it.
> 
> 2. Wait for your wife to find out about it from him or his wife.
> 
> I think #1 is the better option, it gives you the chance to at least appear honest to your wife. How is your wife going to feel when they are getting divorced, or your wife and his wife have a tiff, or when he gets upset with his wife, when SOMETHING goes wrong, and your wife is finally clued in. Three weeks from now, three months from now, three years from now? And YOU never said a word.
> 
> Pull the band-aid off and take the pain now, it will only be worse later.
> 
> Chances of three people keeping a secret? Want to hazard a guess as to how long three people who see each other every day can keep a secret from the fourth?


Guess what else? Your wife and his wife will no longer be friends. Your wife is not going to get over this if you live next door to her and have to see her every day. If you had the choice of moving or saving your marriage, which would you choose? How about your kids not being friends with her kids any longer? Is it more important for them to keep their friends or to grow up in a two-parent family? It's really not a choice, when you lose your marriage, you're probably going to have to move anyway and the kids won't be able to remain friends. Try to look at the big picture and keep things in perspective.


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## the guy

badguy11 said:


> I actually want to tell her in some ways, its driving me insane. I just would hate to destroy the relationship she has with this woman if there is any possible way for us to make things work.,


Do you really think that this women really needs to be in your wifes life? 

Dude this women is not the kind of person you need in your wifes life.

in my experience, you wife will start to hand=g out with thos POS women and before you know her and your wife will be picking up strange on their GNO.

Due your wife a favor and expose this women for what she reali is.... you know htis women, she is just like you!

And yet you worry about this so called "friendship"

Sorry my man but you are not doing your old lady any favors by letting her hang with this POS chick. 

Why let your wife hang with a chick that has no moral compass what so ever.

Again this women is looking for a wing man and your wife is it. You just might get a taste of your own medicine....jsut give it a few years.


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## badguy11

I have a boat load of issues, i drink, low self-esteem, and was diagnosed with depression for which i take medication. I'm not trying to make excuses, and I know I need help.


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## Regga

The best stones casted are those of your own. You have a little voice inside you that will tell you what to do. Your conscience can lead you to the right direction. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but life is not about weathering the storm. It's learning how to dance in the rain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I may not beable to spell but I have been here long enought o see plenty of threads were loyal spouses always find out.


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## badguy11

I am in denial, I keep fantasizing that our families will be able to work through this.


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## badguy11

@ the guy, i appreciate the advice, even with the typos, lol


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## EleGirl

Your wife cannot be friends with the other woman (OW). The OW is not a friend of your wife's. She has no respect for your wife and she could care less about you wife. This is clear because she had an affair with you.

You are going to have to tell you wife. The likelihood of something like this staying secret is next to none since the OW and her husband live so close to you.

You are feeling back about hurting the OW’s family. What about your family? What about your wife?

By the way, since the woman you had an affair with is a liar you have no idea if you are the only person she’s cheated with. You need to go get an STD test. Your wife really should get tested as well.

The first thing that you have to do to repair your marriage is to end all contact with the OW and her husband. You cannot be friends with them now. The second is to tell your wife. Then give her time to decide if she wants to remain married to you. If she chooses reconciliation you are going to have to help her heal from this… it takes 2-5 years to recovery emotionally from an affair so you have your work cut out for you. There is a lot of info on this site about the things that you need.


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## keko

badguy11 said:


> I am in denial, I keep fantasizing that our families will be able to work through this.


You will, as long as you're honest with yourself and your wife.

+1 on STD check up. You have no idea who else she could be sleeping with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Regga said:


> The best stones casted are those of your own. You have a little voice inside you that will tell you what to do. Your conscience can lead you to the right direction. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but life is not about weathering the storm. It's learning how to dance in the rain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where was this voice before OP started banging his nieghbor?


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## tom67

badguy11 said:


> I am in denial, I keep fantasizing that our families will be able to work through this.


It's better she hear it from you. Have your parents or hers or someone take the kids for a weekend you two alone and spill the beans. She may leave you or not. But if she hears second hand well you have no shot jmo.


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## the guy

badguy11 said:


> @ the guy, i appreciate the advice, even with the typos, lol


Ya, you'd think after being here since '10 and over 6000 post id be a little better at typing and spelling.

Your going to get bashed but most of us realy give a sh1t about marriage so hang in ther and fix this sh1t.

7 years aint nothing...hell my old lady has been cheating longer then you guy have been married.


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## Regga

the guy said:


> Where was this voice before OP started banging his nieghbor?


Hiding in a liquor bottle! Lol! I don't know!?!? It sounds like badguy needs to do some soul searching...I often need to be reminded to listen to my conscience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound

the guy said:


> I may not beable to spell but I have been here long enought o see plenty of threads were loyal spouses always find out.


I am prime example. I was 4,000 miles away receiving medical care and a mutual friend told me about what my husband had done.


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## cledus_snow

> I have a boat load of issues, i drink, low self-esteem, and was diagnosed with depression for which i take medication.


here we go again. are we supposed to feel sorry for you? act like a man and _suck it up_. 


the only reason you're here is because your neighbor called you on your sh1t. consider yourself lucky. i would've broken down your door, knocked you out, and pissed on you right there and then. 

there are 3 things you don't f*ck with: another man's money; another man's family; and another man's wife(not in that particular order).


this Fran is not a "good" person as she was cheating on her husband..... with her neighbor.




> I am in denial, *I keep fantasizing that our families will be able to work through this*.


no! your fantasy is to broach the subject of swinging to your wife to include this particular woman. who are you tryin' to kid, m'man?!


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## tom67

You should not be drinking because liquor is a depressant!


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## the guy

tom67 said:


> You should not be drinking because liquor is a depressant!


You should not be banging your nieghbors wife cuz your nieghbors wife like to screw around.

Go get tested for STDS


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## tom67

the guy said:


> You should not be banging your nieghbors wife cuz your nieghbors wife like to screw around.
> 
> Go get tested for STDS


That too but if you are on anti-depressants don't drink!


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## PBear

I'm really puzzled... Your relationship between you and your wife seems to be the LAST priority out of all of the strings. You're worried about the other husband, about your wife and the OW... But you express very little concern for your relationship with your wife.

Thoughts?

C


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## AlphaHalf

> I have a boat load of issues, i drink, low self-esteem, and was diagnosed with depression for which i take medication. I'm not trying to make excuses, and I know I need help.


If its not an excuse then why are you bringing it up?????



> I am in denial, I keep fantasizing that our families will be able to work through this.


Your self-aware of wants going on, Tell the truth and the weight will be lifted off your back. But after the truth is told you must show your wife your truly remorseful and be willing to do whatever she asks for forgiveness.


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## EleGirl

Her husband found out about the affair because he found a letter she wrote to break off with you. 

It sounds like you were planning to just continue the affair.

She might have gotten caught on purpose. It makes no sense at all for her to write you a letter when you live next door. All she had to do was to talk to you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I agree with the consensus opinion here. You are so worried about the relationship your wife has with this other woman. Two things: 1) This other woman is not a good friend for your wife. She is willing to have sex with her "friends" husband behind her back. Maybe you have a different perspective if you have dabbled in swinging ... lower boundaries ... but most people do not. It isn't "just sex" and 2) You should be more concerned about the relationship you have with your wife. You have a responsibility to tell her. Just know that she will find out. Do you prefer that she finds out from the rumor mill or the husband of the woman you had sex with? Your relationship is better served if it comes from you along with a great deal of heartfelt remorse.


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## alte Dame

When your W finds out, the humiliation she feels will be that much greater because she's been going along acting like a friend to this woman who was stabbing her in the back. She will feel like the biggest dupe and that will only make her sense of betrayal worse. And she will find out. In the meantime, how can you stand it knowing that you have put her in this position?

You need to get some real help for yourself.


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## Tigger

You know what to do. The question is, are you going to do it?

Make an appointment with a counselor today
Tell your wife you cheated on her today
Throw out all the booze in the house today
Make an appointment to get tested for STDs today
Find your nearest AA meeting and go today.

Sort your life out. Start today. It really is all up to you.


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## SaltInWound

Tigger said:


> You know what to do. The question is, are you going to do it?
> 
> Make an appointment with a counselor today
> Tell your wife you cheated on her today
> Throw out all the booze in the house today
> Make an appointment to get tested for STDs today
> Find your nearest AA meeting and go today.
> 
> Sort your life out. Start today. It really is all up to you.


His wife needs STD test too.


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## cledus_snow

this is one f*cked up situation given the close proximity of these people.

you two really f*cked up, dude.


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## Carlchurchill

There is really only 1 real thing you can do in this situation to make it all better.

Let the OWs husband make love to your wife!


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## TRy

badguy11 said:


> I am in denial, I keep fantasizing that our families will be able to work through this.


 If you do not tell your wife, when she does find out she will feel sick to her stomach knowing that you, your affair partner, and the affair partner's husband, all knew and kept it a secret from her. She will feel so betrayed that she was played the fool as you all let her believe that the women that cheated with her husband fooled her into thinking that she was your wife's friend. Friends do not f*ck their friend's husbands. That other woman is not her friend.


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## badguy11

PBear said:


> I'm really puzzled... Your relationship between you and your wife seems to be the LAST priority out of all of the strings. You're worried about the other husband, about your wife and the OW... But you express very little concern for your relationship with your wife.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> C


I know what you mean PBEAR. I have asked myself that question as well, I think its because I may be over confident in how well she is going to take the news. That or the fact that she doesnt know and I'm concentrating my energies on the husband who does know.


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## The Middleman

badguy11 said:


> I know I am a complete scumbag


You are right, you are a scumbag ... And your OW is just as big of a scumbag. I have no advice for you other than to tell your wife and face the music for destroying two families.


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## rrrbbbttt

Your posts show little or no remorse for what you have done. Are you actually sorry for the affair or sorry that you were caught?

You post your problems and then say that is not a reason for your affair, then why did you bring them to light? Are you trying to say you are a victim? You have not taken responsibility for the actions that you have done.

You post about previous desires you said you and your wife had, though you temper it with saying your wife is no longer interested leaving me to think again you are trying to say your wife somehow lead you down this path, again trying to have another have some responsibility for your action.

You had the affair with your neighbor. 
You knew it was wrong.
You would not have stopped but your neighbor found out.

Until you are willing to face what you have done, you are not going to repair it.

Tell your wife.
Sell your house and move.
Find your conscious, YOU DID THIS. YOU DESTROYED YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU NOW HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY TO REBUILD A NEW MARRIAGE OR ALLOW YOUR WIFE TO MOVE ON, IF SHE WANTS TO, OR IF YOU ARE GOING TO CONTINUE AS A S**M BAG AND CONTINUE TO HURT HER AND YOUR FAMILY.

Grow a Pair.


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## Gabriel

badguy11 said:


> About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from my neighbor, and also a good friend, saying that he knows I have been romantically involved with his wife. We have been neighbors for abt 3 years, our kids are similar in ages and play together all the time. This infidelity started about 3 months ago via text. My neighbors wife "Fran" and I started texting each other innocently enough, and then one night after I had been drinking a little, I sent an inappropriate text and instead of being shut down, received a rebuttal text that was just as risque... This is when it began.
> A background of our families; they have been married for about 13 yrs, i have been married for 7.
> We got caught cause she wrote a detailed letter and he found it, ironically the letter was a prelude to ending this. She is a really good person who apparently was having a hard time in her marriage. They had problems way before any of this started. Im not sure if thats why she opened up to this relationship, or if there were other reasons.
> He has been a gentleman throughout this entire ordeal. He has not told my wife, cause he doesn't want to break up our family, which i am obviously greatful for, but just makes me feel that much more horrible. His wife and my wife are very good friends, and as much as i don't want her to know for my own selfish reasons, i also would hate for her to feel uncomfortable in our neighborhood and lose one of her closest friends.
> I know I am a complete scumbag, i never meant for things to go where they went. They are a beautiful family, and the thought of them falling apart because of me is tearing me up inside. I need to know if there is anything i could possibly do to make things better. The amount of self hate I have is enormous. Thank you for reading and any comments you may have, negative or positive.


Did I miss something? I don't see anywhere in here the details of the affair other than an inappropriate text. I mean, that's bad, but did you, or did you not, sleep with her?


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## Regga

PBear said:


> I'm really puzzled... Your relationship between you and your wife seems to be the LAST priority out of all of the strings. You're worried about the other husband, about your wife and the OW... But you express very little concern for your relationship with your wife.
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> C


EXACTLY: how's your marriage??????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

> A background of our families; they have been married for about 13 yrs,* i have been married for 7*.


Interesting the way you wrote that.


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## JustGrinding

What an arrogant, manipulative, controlling SOB.

You're going to try to trick your wife into 1) staying married to an adulterer, and 2) remaining friends with a woman who has disrespected her in the most egregious manner possible by witholding vital information to which she's entitled?

Your wife deserves to make her own decisions and is entitled to all the information she needs to make those decisions.

Holy sh!t! If my wife had tricked me into being friends with her OM, the level of disgust I felt toward her would be unmeasurable.

You're not treating your wife as an equal human being, you're treating her like a houseplant.

What a loser . . .


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## NextTimeAround

EleGirl said:


> Her husband found out about the affair because he found a letter she wrote to break off with you.
> 
> It sounds like you were planning to just continue the affair.
> 
> *She might have gotten caught on purpose. It makes no sense at all for her to write you a letter when you live next door.* All she had to do was to talk to you.



I bet that if you do nothing, she will drop hints to your wife.

I'm sure if you had gone to another relationship message board, a few people would probably tell you that your wife will have to suck it up for the sake of the kids and already nice arrangement of neighbors /friends/ family. 

I believe in family loyalty and over the years, it has pissed me off when my older sister and mother have both hung on to my ex (bf in this case) and to my brother's ex wife. I have never understood what they got out of it other than arguments and ill feelings from myself and my brother. 

the husband is going to watch you like a hawk now, so you're no longer friends with him. He may badmouth you to other people. ie "Hide your wives......" The wife could purposely put you in an uncomfortable position knowing that she has something over you...... and wouldn't that be awful if their kids knew about it before yours did.......

If the only way that your wife can get away from the predator next door is to move /divorce you, then you will have preserved nothing anyway.


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## MattMatt

Sometimes affairs happen when good people do bad things. I hope both families can survive this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

badguy11 said:


> I know what you mean PBEAR. I have asked myself that question as well, I think its because I may be over confident in how well she is going to take the news. That or the fact that she doesnt know and *I'm concentrating my energies on the husband who does know.*


That seems rather foolish, don't you think? After all, he is not the only one who "knows". You know. The OW, his wife, knows. The only person in this whole charade who doesn't know (yet) is your W. Every day you are allowing your W to be manipulated by you and the OW, while the husband (who knows) has something to hold over your head for the rest of your marital life.

Your W WILL find out. Your W will be hurt. Your W is entitled to know the truth and to respond according to her own terms.


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## staystrong

Dude...

DUDE!!!

You have to tell your wife. For two good reasons:

1. You wronged her and she deserves to know the truth. You better be prepared to beg for mercy.

2. The next time the husband drinks too much, or they have a fight, or he's sitting there looking at you and knowing you banged his wife? It's allllll going to come out and your wife will know. Who knows, THEY may even start an affair in commiseration. Wouldn't that be a nice example for the kids?


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## alte Dame

badguy11 said:


> I have asked myself that question as well, I think its because I may be over confident in how well she is going to take the news.


Assuming this was a PA, you're over-confident in using the word over-confident. You've nuked your marriage.


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## kenmoore14217

BG11, you're doing everything for everybody EXCEPT your wife! Tragedy.


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## Rowan

JustGrinding said:


> What an arrogant, manipulative, controlling SOB.
> 
> You're going to try to trick your wife into 1) staying married to an adulterer, and 2) remaining friends with a woman who has disrespected her in the most egregious manner possible by witholding vital information to which she's entitled?
> 
> Your wife deserves to make her own decisions and is entitled to all the information she needs to make those decisions.
> 
> Holy sh!t! *If my wife had tricked me into being friends with her OM, the level of disgust I felt toward her would be unmeasurable.
> 
> You're not treating your wife as an equal human being, you're treating her like a houseplant.*
> What a loser . . .


Yeah, my husband had a nearly 3-year affair with our neighbor. All along he strongly encouraged the two of us to be friends. After I found out about the affair, he still wanted all of us to be friends. He couldn't wrap his head around why I didn't think that would be a good idea. 

Because he's a manipulative, selfish, entitled asshat.

There's very little more degrading than your spouse cheating. The only thing I can think of, in fact, is your spouse cheating with your friend. Double betrayal from two people who profess to care about you.

OP, your OW is not a good person. And she is most certainly not a friend to your wife.


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## NextTimeAround

kenmoore14217 said:


> BG11, you're doing everything for everybody EXCEPT your wife! Tragedy.


This really bothers me. Someone explain to me the psychology behind a cheating spouse caring more about the OP and his/ her family than the cheating spouse's own family.


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## Ever-Man

badguy11 said:


> @ Regga, I deserve the stones... I love my wife more than anything. We have always had somewhat of an odd relationship. We tried swinging a while back, have had a few "interesting" moments with other couples and she has in the past told me how the thought of me being intimate with another woman turns her on. But she runs hot and cold with these ideas where i am constantly running hot. She even gave me a hall pass with the exception of neighbors and friends, ironically i f***ed that up. I know she will forgive me, at least i hope she will forgive me, I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up. I know its a confusing situation. I hate knowing how badly i hurt this guy.


This may be your saving grace in telling your wife, the propensity for an open marriage. If you decide to tell your wife (you probably should) be sure to inform/ask your neighbors and see if they believe this is necessary. Judging by your neighbors reaction, perhaps they are not devastated by this affair. Maybe your neighbor, the husband, is seeing someone else as well, maybe he has been intimate WITH YOUR WIFE (wouldn't that be convenient, perhaps you all could swing) and maybe they are willing to let it go and forget, it can get buried in the past. 
Let this unfold a bit (few more days?) before you take drastic action, the affair seems quite short-term and you were breaking it off of your own volition, this seems like a forgivable affair. 

A word about TAM, there are a lot of people who have been destroyed by affairs on this site, me included, and I am 100% opposed to them, however I concede there are affairs that are quite forgivable, and forgetable, perhaps this is one of them. 

Most important is to keep marriage with children in them together, in my opinion. Divorce is the last option.


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## cantthinkstraight

This guy is still in the fog and seems more worried
about covering his tracks than fixing the mess he created.

Listen man, your wife is going to find out.
The longer you wait, the more pain it will cause.
There is no avoiding it, so take your medicine.

Stop trying to jump ahead of yourself and predict the future
(what others will do or say)
and do what you know is right thing to do.

Tell your wife.

Anything being put in front of that on your priority
list only shows that you're (still) your own top priority.


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## badguy11

Regga said:


> EXACTLY: how's your marriage??????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our marriage is really good, we get along well and love each other. I know we can work through this.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

badguy11 said:


> Our marriage is really good, we get along well and love each other. I know we can work through this.


You have your priorities SOOOOO messed up it's not even funny. You're in one of those situations where you're so lost, you don't even know you're lost.

Tell your wife and focus on your home life. Go for counseling and stop paying attention to other partners sexually (referring to the sex with other people routine). 

You're a real piece of work. You have NO IDEA how selfish you truly are. You're so worried about the friendships, because (time for a true look in the mirror) you don't want to lose contact with the OW. It's go nothing to do with the husband or your wife frankly.


----------



## The Middleman

badguy11 said:


> Our marriage is really good, we get along well and love each other. I know we can work through this.


You can say that now, but how do you think she will react the minute she finds out that you have been banging her friend? How does your neighbor feel about his wife?

All I know is that for me, a physical betrayal is the point of no return. If I were your wife, I would toss your ass out, lawyer up and make sure that you pay for the rest of your life. Do you really think she should react differently to this kind of betrayal? And frankly, if I were your neighbor, I would brand his wife a wh0re and toss her ass out as well. You both have shown that you don't deserve your families.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

The affair is out in the open, which is great! Your wife needs to know. You are extremely selfish for not telling her. I hope the OW breaks the news if you don't.

You are highly disrespectful to your wife. If you loved her, you would of never contacted another woman in this way. I wouldn't doubt if this happened again, especially since your not planning on telling your wife.

You already broke up your family.


----------



## eric415

How is your marriage good if you continue to deceive your wife. As someone who just found out about my wife cheating, I think the lying and disrespect hurt just as much or more than the fact that she fvcked another guy. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. But all you care about is yourself. That is the root of all of this. You want everyone to be happy for your sake. You don't want to rock the boat. You love yourself some you.


----------



## badguy11

Ever-Man said:


> This may be your saving grace in telling your wife, the propensity for an open marriage. If you decide to tell your wife (you probably should) be sure to inform/ask your neighbors and see if they believe this is necessary. Judging by your neighbors reaction, perhaps they are not devastated by this affair. Maybe your neighbor, the husband, is seeing someone else as well, maybe he has been intimate WITH YOUR WIFE (wouldn't that be convenient, perhaps you all could swing) and maybe they are willing to let it go and forget, it can get buried in the past.
> Let this unfold a bit (few more days?) before you take drastic action, the affair seems quite short-term and you were breaking it off of your own volition, this seems like a forgivable affair.
> 
> A word about TAM, there are a lot of people who have been destroyed by affairs on this site, me included, and I am 100% opposed to them, however I concede there are affairs that are quite forgivable, and forgetable, perhaps this is one of them.
> 
> Most important is to keep marriage with children in them together, in my opinion. Divorce is the last option.


Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town. 
The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.


----------



## survivorwife

badguy11 said:


> Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
> I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
> The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.


I hope you aren't planning to tell your W in front of this neighbor. I hope you aren't planning to "consult" with this neighbor prior to telling your W. What possible input could this neighbor provide you with tonight? Something seems rather odd here.


----------



## alte Dame

This is cognitive dissonance.

You say you have a good marriage and you really love each other. BUT love means honoring and respecting and empathizing. Real love wouldn't result in your groping your neighbor's W for months because a) you wouldn't want to do it, and b) you would never do anything purposely to hurt the woman you love.

Your marriage isn't a good one if you've done this. Depending on how this goes, it could become a good marriage, but I think you underestimate dramatically the level of betrayal this will be for your W.

If your W had spent the last 3 months having an A with the neighbor, how would you react?


----------



## eric415

I don't know your wife. But if it was me, I would probably not believe that you had slept together. Adults just kissing. Yeah right. 

You need to be as aggressive as possible in showing remorse and making sure this wont happen again. Allow her to monitor you, moving away from OW, complete transparency, whatever it takes. Then you can hope that she may trust you again someday. Wouldn't be possible for me, but I'm not your wife.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

badguy11 said:


> I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up.


That 'great' relationship is over because of your and the OW's actions. You can't unfvck her.

You would be best served concentrating on trying to fix YOUR marriage.

You can begin the long process by telling your wife everything and begging her forgiveness.

(BTW, it appears that both you and your wife have poor boundaries. Having another man or woman fvck your spouse never ends well.)


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

the guy said:


> I may not beable to spell but I have been here long enought o see plenty of threads were loyal spouses always find out.


:iagree:

BTW, The Guy I don't even notice your spelling - or lack thereof - anymore. I just focus on the thoughtfulness and eloquence that you put into your posts.


----------



## 3putt

badguy11 said:


> Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
> I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
> The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.


Offer to take a polygraph test, paid for by you, and see if that would satisfy him.


----------



## survivorwife

If there was no sex involved, just texting, some kissing and fondling, what did her letter say that upset her H and made him think there was more? 

Instead of simply texting you one more time to tell you to that these action cannot continue, why did she write an actual letter, and then leave it somewhere for her H to find?

And how could she possibly discontinue the A when you are neighbors and she is supposedly a friend of your W? In other words, you will still be seeing each other and in contact with each other?

Something about what was discovered (by the H) and the letter seems not quite right - IMO.


----------



## NextTimeAround

It doesn't matter if you two did not have sexual intercourse. Your behavior shows that you had the intent to do so sometime soon in the future. Open mouth kisses, grabbing her butt....... That's betrayal enough for me.


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## SomedayDig

badguy11 said:


> The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.


Are you guys like in high school? I don't mean that to be rude or anything, but the last time texting and kissing was all that happened would be like in 11th grade.

Spare us the gaslighting. In cheat-speak, kissing = bangin' (or sexual something!)

Sorry, man...with all that we've seen around here, this doesn't pass the sniff test.


----------



## survivorwife

SomedayDig said:


> Are you guys like in high school? I don't mean that to be rude or anything, but the last time texting and kissing was all that happened would be like in 11th grade.
> 
> Spare us the gaslighting. In cheat-speak, kissing = bangin' (or sexual something!)
> 
> Sorry, man...with all that we've seen around here, this doesn't pass the sniff test.


:iagree:

I don't think the W will buy it either, since the OWH doesn't buy it.


----------



## sinnister

Op you never slept together. Add that to the fact that your wife seems to have little issues with sharing you and I think the word "cheating" in the case of your marriage is a stretch.

In the case of what you did to your neighbours husband...you cheated with his wife. So be prepared to feel his wrath. He's not going to believe a word you say. Just relax and stay calm.

This place is a trip sometimes. Some of you ignoring the fact that he says they didn't have sex ....you're just projecting way too much.


----------



## Love Song

You think your doing things right by your wife by keeping people who BETRAYED her in her life (i.e. you and her neighbor "friend")? This must be a joke.


----------



## Acabado

Letting your wife remain "friends" with this OW is pure cruelty.


----------



## pidge70

Acabado said:


> Letting your wife remain "friends" with this OW is pure cruelty.


:iagree:


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

SomedayDig said:


> Are you guys like in high school? I don't mean that to be rude or anything, but the last time texting and kissing was all that happened would be like in 11th grade.
> 
> Spare us the gaslighting. In cheat-speak, kissing = bangin' (or sexual something!)
> 
> Sorry, man...with all that we've seen around here, this doesn't pass the sniff test.


:iagree:

If that was all that happened, why is he so scared to tell his wife?

I don't believe him and I know his wife won't either.

(Oh, and do you really want to be alone in the OW's house with just her husband? Nothing good will come from that and you might just end up on a coroner's slab.)


----------



## Anabel

You say your wife gave you permission to sleep with anyone else, except for neighbors and friends. So you had an affair with a neighbor who is her friend. 

I think that degrading your wife and crossing that line was the thrill of it. 

There do exist a very few women that find that sort of twisted thing a turn on. But there are many more who toy with the idea in theory only. From the way you say your wife goes hot and cold on the subject, I'd guess she's one of the latter. 

Nothing you can do will make it right. Tell her the truth now as you're planning to--that's the only good thing you can do for her (and for yourself). I think you've got a very rude awakening coming.


----------



## totamm

Tell your wife what happened.

If she's given you the ok to sleep around then she won't be totally blown away.

Prepare to move to a different neighborhood.

Get help for the depression and your other issues, they won't go away on their own.


----------



## SomedayDig

badguy11 said:


> @ Regga, I deserve the stones... I love my wife more than anything. We have always had somewhat of an odd relationship. We tried swinging a while back, have had a few "interesting" moments with other couples and she has in the past told me how the thought of me being intimate with another woman turns her on. But she runs hot and cold with these ideas where i am constantly running hot. She even gave me a hall pass with the exception of neighbors and friends, ironically i f***ed that up. I know she will forgive me, at least i hope she will forgive me, I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up. I know its a confusing situation. I hate knowing how badly i hurt this guy.


Don't know how I missed this part...lol

If you guys were truly IN the lifestyle, then your communication would be a whole lot better than it is. Swinging goes BOTH ways, not just one. You broke a cardinal boundary she created by having "relations" with a neighbor/friend. That is NOT a hall pass. That is called cheating. Even in the lifestyle world.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

badguy11 said:


> Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
> I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
> The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.


I for one have a hard time believing this did not go beyond kissing. Adults usually do not stop at kissing. This isn't a just dating getting to know you before I go farther thing. Your wife will want to believe that but deep down she will be highly doubtful.


----------



## slater

This thread is all BS. He is just here to try to quell his guilt. Don't come on here and then lie to us man. We don't care. If you want advice we can give it, if you don't then good luck. You have no clue what you have done. You habe destroyed your neighbor's family. You better think twice about going to see your neighbor tonight. If it was me, you wouldn't walk out of my house. I can imagine he is going to press you about what happened and then if you tell him what you told us he won't believe you and could get violent. Be careful.

His life just took a HUGE turn for the worst and he rightfully sees you as the cause.


----------



## JustGrinding

(Man! If I could only get one wish in my life, I would wish that I could somehow lure that pig that slept with my wife into my home . . .)


----------



## Regga

JustGrinding is right. I would NOT meet with OWH. Domestic disputes are always the worst. If you feel it necessary to meet with him, go somewhere public or talk on the phone. It's their problem. You need to deal with your wife. Just get out of your neighbor's business. Completely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

eric415 said:


> I don't know your wife. But if it was me, I would probably not believe that you had slept together. Adults just kissing. Yeah right.


I have no dog in this fight and I DON"T believe it myself.


badguy11 said:


> We tried swinging a while back, have had a few "interesting" moments with other couples and she has in the past told me how the thought of me being intimate with another woman turns her on. But she runs hot and cold with these ideas where i am constantly running hot. She even gave me a hall pass with the exception of neighbors and friends, ironically i f***ed that up. I know she will forgive me, at least i hope she will forgive me, I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up. I know its a confusing situation. I hate knowing how badly i hurt this guy.


Equating texting and a few kisses, to the above statement of a "Hall Pass" and "being intimate," which both mean SEX, doesn't lend any credibility to "we just kissed and I touched her butt."


----------



## Hardtohandle

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I have no dog in this fight and I DON"T believe it myself.


Add me to the list.

Hey look, you guys are swingers and such. Let her bang the husband and call it even.. Hey maybe all 4 of you can get it going afterwards.

This world has gone insane. 
I've really have done some crazy stuff in my life. I even can say I was going this way with my first marriage. That's why it no longer exists. 

But once I feel in love with my wife I NEVER thought of ever sharing her with anyone. 
I loved her more everyday that went by.


----------



## doc_martin

Here is my version of how this ends. Let's see who may agree or disagree. Either way, you are only protecting yourself by not telling and you know it. Besides, it will eat your soul forever by NOT telling. You will never feel "right" in the relationship.

Your neighbor (being the morally upstanding guy he is) has decided to let it slide. He is committed to keeping your secret...until... he gets to ride this rollar coaster of denial, disbelief, pain and anguish. He hates his life, hates what you have done to him, and even though he has told you it is for the best to keep it a secret forever more, his brain burns with hatred of you (why not, easier to blame and hate you than his wife). And so, one day you come home from work a few weeks or even a few months from now, not a care in your mind. You've had a great day. You are getting along with your spouse again, maybe you've even put most of this behind you. 

Your neighbor, on the other hand, has had a sh!tty roller coaster of a day. His hate on this particular day is near the boiling point. The kicker to it all is that he sees you get out of your car just at the moment your wife comes out to get the mail (water the flowers, greet you at the door, whatever). He gets to see you hug and give a kiss to your adoring wife. ...and then he thinks "I have been living this hellish nightmare for weeks/months and this guy gets to go on living his life like nothing ever happened! He gets his cake and he stole mine as well, and now I'm left in hell and he gets off scott free. F That!"

And that, my friend, is when he drops the bomb out of nowhere! And you get to watch as that rekindled love you are so proud of goes right in the crapper. As others have said, you will then be lower than if you had told her now. Don't ever let a man steal your thunder...good or bad. You revel in your accomplishments, and like a man, you take it on the chin when you need to.


----------



## SomedayDig

doc_martin said:


> Your neighbor (being the morally upstanding guy he is) has decided to let it slide. He is committed to keeping your secret...until... he gets to ride this rollar coaster of denial, disbelief, pain and anguish. He hates his life, hates what you have done to him, and even though he has told you it is for the best to keep it a secret forever more, his brain burns with hatred of you (why not, easier to blame and hate you than his wife). And so, one day you come home from work a few weeks or even a few months from now, not a care in your mind. You've had a great day. You are getting along with your spouse again, maybe you've even put most of this behind you.
> 
> Your neighbor, on the other hand, has had a sh!tty roller coaster of a day. His hate on this particular day is near the boiling point. The kicker to it all is that he sees you get out of your car just at the moment your wife comes out to get the mail (water the flowers, greet you at the door, whatever). He gets to see you hug and give a kiss to your adoring wife. ...and then he thinks "I have been living this hellish nightmare for weeks/months and this guy gets to go on living his life like nothing ever happened! He gets his cake and he stole mine as well, and now I'm left in hell and he gets off scott free. F That!"
> 
> *And that, my friend, is when he drops the bomb out of nowhere!* And you get to watch as that rekindled love you are so proud of goes right in the crapper. As others have said, you will then be lower than if you had told her now. Don't ever let a man steal your thunder...good or bad. You revel in your accomplishments, and like a man, you take it on the chin when you need to.


Holy F**k. You literally just described what happened to me. Dday was 3/6/12. I sent an email to the xOMW that night. Unbeknownst to me, he intercepted it. I got particularly angry one day...sh-t just permeating my brain. I was going to a meeting about 30 miles away and I had to get off the exit where her last tryst with him was. It was 4/16/12. I sat in the parking lot of my meeting and took a deep breath. Out of the blue, I opened my phone and sent the xOMW "another" email that said, "I hope he told you how many times they f**cked in your basement and your spare room and how many times he invited her to go out of town with him".

She got that one.

And that was the end of his marriage.

Doc...you just described what happened to me to a T. And I predict it WILL happen to that BS. Ya know what, OP...maybe you should invite him to join TAM. We can be a pretty good support group for the betrayed.

Just sayin...


----------



## Hortensia

You need to tell your wife. There's no way out. Apologize from all your heart, beg for forgiveness, do whatever you need to do. Be prepared for her decision to move out of the neighborhood and accept it without a word. It's the best thing to do if she decides to forgive you. Realize how akward and embarassing is gonna be, everytime you she walks on the street and sees these neighbors?? I can't begin to imagine how humiliated she will feel. 
DO NOT mention to her that you wanted her to stay friends with the OW . This adds to the insult !! With "friends" like this woman, who needs enemies? Cut all contact with her, forever . If you see her H, apologize to him sincerely, then cut contact with him too- your presence doesn't make him any good. I know, you lost your friendship and it sux, but you should have thought about it before,now it's nothing that you can do, but try to save your marriage.
Tell your wife. She might forgive you. Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl

badguy11 said:


> Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
> I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
> The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.


How'd it go tonight talking to the OW"s husband and telling your wife?


----------



## Kaya62003

Badguy- You say that you cheated on your "loving wife" with her "best friend" and her husband was your "good friend". Really? With a friend and husband like you, who needs enemies. 

If you and your wife are swingers, don't you think you two opened the door to something bad like this happening? I have never heard of an "open marriage" ever turning out good. 

Tell your wife, because as many have said it will be better coming from you. And if this woman was her best friend or a good one, she would not have slept with you. IMO!


----------



## walkonmars

Kaya62003 said:


> Badguy- You say that you cheated on your "loving wife" with her "best friend" and her husband was your "good friend". Really? With a friend and husband like you, who needs enemies.
> 
> If you and your wife are swingers, don't you think you two opened the door to something bad like this happening? I have never heard of an "open marriage" ever turning out good.
> 
> Tell your wife, because as many have said it will be better coming from you. *And if this woman was her best friend or a good one, she would not have slept with you. IMO! *


QFT


----------



## Carlchurchill

I hope you took my advice and gave your friend next door a free pass at your wife, its the only acceptable thing to do in this situation!


----------



## Regga

Carlchurchill said:


> I hope you took my advice and gave your friend next door a free pass at your wife, its the only acceptable thing to do in this situation!


So that she becomes a piece of meat who is sold out of guilt? Wow! 

I became furious with my husband when he gave me a "free pass" after he had an EA/PA. I already felt stupid and "not enough" when I caught his affair...it was another slap to have him give "consent" for me to sleep with someone else. I would've felt more "wanted" if he would've just begged me to stick with our marriage. I know I would throw his infedility in his face if he begged me to be faithful; but at least I would know he didn't want to share me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WTHiswrong

Did you tell ur wife yet? How did she take it?


----------



## SomedayDig

Sad thing is he hasn't been on since yesterday. He'll probably come back in without reading anything since his last post and totally miss some good advice. 

Typical "I really didn't do anything wrong" kinda dude.


----------



## staystrong

I'm guessing he hasn't reported in because everything hit the fan last night.

I'm betting wife goes ballistic on OW.


----------



## carpenoctem

Please tell me: while you were ‘just kissing’ her, was your phallus inside her body? That is an accident that sometimes happens, unless one is very careful. Worse still, it is an accident that can repeat itself with uncanny accuracy, for some people.



If your neIghbour’s husband was one of those foolishly faithful (how else can we describe it, in today’s world?) men who never stepped out of his marriage, and viewed his marriage, family and home as his most genuine achievements in life, you have just nuked the quintessence of his being a man. *And just because you and your wife share a more elastic marital bond (so you say), you dare to discuss it here rather frivolously.*

You have killed a man’s sense of self, injected slow poison into a good marriage, and destroyed a home as it existed. *And you are now looking for the loosest noose, so that you can slip through. *Best of luck with that.

I wager that you are two feet taller and two stones heavier than me, but right now, if you were standing in front of me, I would have taken a swing on behalf of a good man whose life you have serial raped.

You wanna take it outside?


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

Confess to your wife, everything, leave no detail out, do not trickle truth, lie, minimize, blame shift.

After you have done that, log back on here and say what you need to say.

Cheating is unjustifiable, it is intrinsically evil, 100% selfish. Confess and ask for forgiveness and prepare to make reparations, you h ave changed your marriage forever. Your wife will NEVER see you the same EVER again.


----------



## totamm

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> You have killed a man’s sense of self, injected slow poison into a good marriage, and destroyed a home as it existed. *And you are now looking for the loosest noose, so that you can slip through. *Best of luck with that.
> 
> I wager that you are two feet taller and two stones heavier than me, but right now, if you were standing in front of me, I would have taken a swing on behalf of a good man whose life you have serial raped.
> 
> You wanna take it outside?


Why don't you beat up the neighbors wife while you're at it? Or any other guy who she had sex with? She's the one who broke the marital vows, not the guy you're challenging to a street fight. She made the decision to allow the "poison" into her own marriage, the other man could be anyone.


----------



## carpenoctem

totamm said:


> Why don't you beat up the neighbors wife while you're at it? Or any other guy who she had sex with? She's the one who broke the marital vows, not the guy you're challenging to a street fight. She made the decision to allow the "poison" into her own marriage, the other man could be anyone.


Well, may i delegate that to you, Sir?

P.S.:
Having hurt the guy (the husband of OW) is the only area where he has really expressed some regret. He seems to believe he can 'manage' the response of all others (his wife, the OW). hence the focus on the BH.

anyway, I was not challenging him for a streetfight or anything. That was just a euphemistic way to tell him that his story / attitude made me angry, as a fellow male.

Just a pint of impotent anger.


----------



## sandc

Tell your wife. You are not the only one who knows about this. There are at least two other parties who know. The truth has a nasty habit of showing up at the most inopportune moments.


----------



## totamm

carpenoctem said:


> Well, may i delegate that to you, Sir?


No thanks, I'm staying out of it.

Other than providing advice on obscure internet message boards, I'm not looking to save the world or anything.


----------



## roostr

badguy11 said:


> Our marriage is really good, we get along well and love each other. I know we can work through this.


Is this description of your marraige from before or after you told your wife? :scratchhead:


----------



## EleGirl

I wonder if we lost the OP?


----------



## walkonmars

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if we lost the OP?


If he actually went to see the neighbor it may be a while before he is 'found'.


----------



## Bobby5000

Just terminate the relationship with the neighbor and any discussions. It is a problem for both families.


----------



## EleGirl

walkonmars said:


> If he actually went to see the neighbor it may be a while before he is 'found'.


Yea, when he said that the neighbor was going to be home alone and he wanted to talk, I wondered what the neighbor had in store for the OP.


----------



## alte Dame

Carlchurchill said:


> I hope you took my advice and gave your friend next door a free pass at your wife, its the only acceptable thing to do in this situation!


I get the feeling that I'm alone here in taking this comment by Carl for sarcasm given the swingers angle.....


----------



## Carlchurchill

alte Dame said:


> I get the feeling that I'm alone here in taking this comment by Carl for sarcasm given the swingers angle.....


:iagree:


----------



## alte Dame

Carlchurchill said:


> :iagree:


Carlc, you're a cagey one - you agree that I'm alone in my reading of your comment or you really meant it as sarcasm? LOL


----------



## Suspecting

totamm said:


> She's the one who broke the marital vows, not the guy you're challenging to a street fight. She made the decision to allow the "poison" into her own marriage, the other man could be anyone.


This statement does not make sense. Both the neighbor's wife and the OP broke their marital wows. Cheating requires two people.


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Suspecting said:


> This statement does not make sense. Both the neighbor's wife and the OP broke their marital wows. Cheating requires two people.


Actually, the free pass makes some sense.
As far as the vows, well they are only worth what one feels they are right?
Not everyone has the same beliefs and morals.

The free pass does not include the input of your neighbors wife.
She will probably be against it. Your wife may not be for it as well

But imagine if it all works out where you guys swing together?

Wooowwwwww!
What do u got to lose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostandSad

alte Dame said:


> Carlc, you're a cagey one - you agree that I'm alone in my reading of your comment or you really meant it as sarcasm? LOL


I got it and thought it was funny. I just didn't want to "like" the idea of anyone giving a free pass to their wife


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## badguy11

Quick update for those who care.
I did tell my wife everything. The first 2 weeks were very tough, but she appreciated that I told her. I am not gonna say that she has forgiven me, but we have never been closer. I think this whole thing has made us appreciate each other more than ever. It has been a month and we have grown so close, when we are apart she sometimes feels vulnerable and unsure of things, which I guess should be expected, but when we are together our love is stronger than ever.
I put this out there for those who may be going through something similar and think that their marriage is over because of cheating. For many, this may be true, but if you and your better half have a strong foundation you may be able to successfully get through this. We ALL give into temptation at times, and I don't think that means we don't love our spouses, and I don't think cheating is ok by any means, I just think that it doesn't always mean there must be an end. Just my opinion, and every situation is different. Best of luck to all.


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## tom67

Thank you for the update.


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## carpenoctem

badguy11 said:


> Quick update for those who care.
> I did tell my wife everything. The first 2 weeks were very tough, but she appreciated that I told her. I am not gonna say that she has forgiven me, but we have never been closer. I think this whole thing has made us appreciate each other more than ever. It has been a month and we have grown so close, when we are apart she sometimes feels vulnerable and unsure of things, which I guess should be expected, but when we are together our love is stronger than ever.
> I put this out there for those who may be going through something similar and think that their marriage is over because of cheating. For many, this may be true, but if you and your better half have a strong foundation you may be able to successfully get through this. We ALL give into temptation at times, and I don't think that means we don't love our spouses, and I don't think cheating is ok by any means, I just think that it doesn't always mean there must be an end. Just my opinion, and every situation is different. Best of luck to all.





And what about the Other Woman's husband? *In your round-up of fallouts, you haven't even permuted him in, have you?
*

(Yes, his wife is the one who broke her commitment to him, and not you. But since this is your thread, I am asking from your POV).

He (the OW's husband) must be right now drowning in an inner hell, and you have 'reconnected' with your wife.

So much for justice and fairness.

(Irony is, there is NOTHING you can do to do him justice now. Because you cannot unfornicate his wife now).


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## EleGirl

badguy11 said:


> Quick update for those who care.
> I did tell my wife everything. The first 2 weeks were very tough, but she appreciated that I told her. I am not gonna say that she has forgiven me, but we have never been closer. I think this whole thing has made us appreciate each other more than ever. It has been a month and we have grown so close, when we are apart she sometimes feels vulnerable and unsure of things, which I guess should be expected, but when we are together our love is stronger than ever.
> I put this out there for those who may be going through something similar and think that their marriage is over because of cheating. For many, this may be true, but if you and your better half have a strong foundation you may be able to successfully get through this. We ALL give into temptation at times, and I don't think that means we don't love our spouses, and I don't think cheating is ok by any means, I just think that it doesn't always mean there must be an end. Just my opinion, and every situation is different. Best of luck to all.


It's been 2 weeks. Don't be so quick to declare victory and that your affair improved your marriage.

You have that your wife gets insecure when you are not around? After an affair, the BS goes through levels of grieving much like we do after someone we love dies. There are stages. It sounds like she has not hit the anger stage yet.

It sounds like you are right now in a stage that many go through. It’s called hysterical bonding. I went through it too. It faded and does for everyone. The next phase might not be so easy.

It takes 2-5 years for the betrayed spouse to emotionally recover from an affair. Give her time.


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## Carlchurchill

But according to him they only kissed, so his wife shouldnt have too many sleepless nights!

OP, did you really just kiss? The statistics tend to suggest that when most ppl say they just kissed, they actually mean that their genitals kissed!


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## gk_noble

I told my wife about a stupid one night stand. She was ok for 5 months and then, Wham!, moved out (after we had a stressful argument that had nothing to do with my infidelity.)

Be good. Refuse to argue. And cut all ties with the other people.

Work on yourself. Change your attitude about everything!
Right now is the time to become somebody different to her. You already are, so make it better.
Start giving her new experiences. Take her to new places, new dates, new adventures NOW. If you have been saving up for a vacation, do it now! The longer the better.

There will be a point where she will get angry!!! Be ready. Expect the worst. Be strong.


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## InlandTXMM

Comment removed - needed to read more of the thread.


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## Lovemytruck

Ditto to those that are giving you advice that this is not over for your wife.

If you start looking at the people posting here, you would soon notice that even after YEARS the hurt and sense of betrayal lingers on.

Think of it as lighting the fuse. It seems like it is just a little hot-spot for now, eventually the TNT will detonate.

If you really do care about your wife, remember to be kind as she goes through the stages of grief. Remember when she decides to leave that you caused her to feel this way. 
Remember she deserves the kindness she now shows you.

For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. Sorry you had to learn this the hard way. I am much more sorry your wife and neighbor's husband were betrayed.

Maybe after the years of this recovery and reflection process, you will be a better person.


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## Lovemytruck

and the typos never cease!


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