# Abusive start and lack of libido.



## Sadiamrin (Jun 28, 2016)

Hi, my husband are married to each other since 5 years. Ours was alove marraige and that too after a lot of struggle because of our parents. Later after getting married within a month he started physical, emotional, verbal, every kind of abuse and also i came to know about his infidelity. I went to my parents and was down with depression and started popping Anti-depression pills. After many apologies and also love for my husband i came back to him. Now all the emotional n verbal abuse was there except physical. He dint understand me and i dint understand him. But i guess i made up my mind that i have to make this marraige work, whatever it may take.
Since then every time we have a fight, its exhaustive mentally. His ways are aggresive, over expressive and extreme. Where as i was a fun loving person and marraige changed me to be boring and dull. Lack of libido, intimacy and affection towards him where top on my list. No matter how much i try i was not able to show him affection, though he tried many many many many times. Its like when ever he shouts or is angry for any reason i close from inside, and happiness opened me, but the aggression was more than love and softness. Meanwhile we had a kid. He kept on complaining about lack of intimacy. Now comes the sexual abuse, my husband has porn addiction, and he wanted me to help him while he watches porn, i hated porn and hate him for that. Without my will i used to do it sometimes complete sex used to be there. More distance grew, with no hugs and kisses.i dont feel that love for him anymore. If i dint have a kid, i would have left him in a blink, but he loves our son very much and my son is also very loving. But he watches us fighting, my husband shouting at me, n i dnt want that for my son too. I cant repair this. Now he is saying he doent feel anything for me. And is saying its all my fault. Even if i want to rekindle my relationship, how should i do it. And with all this baggage it difficult to see a clear picture. If i get separeted also i havent work since 5 years and also i have a very loosed sefl confidence, lost my zing and energy. How vl i take care of my baby then. Words of advice please.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi sorry you're in this situation. 
Do you want to stay married? 
It's hard to love someone after abuse, this explains your lack of libido. 



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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How old are you and what country are you in?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is never too late to leave an abuser. He will try to make you feel like you have no choice but you do. 

He is abusing you verbally, and if I understand your post also sexually. I don't know what part of the world you are in, but in most countries that is a serious crime. 

Other posters here know more than I do about helping you to leave and I hope they will post here. I just know that you should leave.


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## Sadiamrin (Jun 28, 2016)

I am 30 yrs and basically i am from india but now living in US. I dnt knw whether i want to stay married or not, i am in a dilema. As i said i am no longer a confident person anymore. We just had a violent and cruel fight. I am loosing my mind. I am becoming aggresive day by day. Whatever i do i vl do only for my beloved son. He is my everything, i am alive only because of him. Otherwise whatever i hoped for, i wanted for me from my husband is gone. Love is stupid, love is unreal except for your blood relations. Love is a false perception.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sadiamrin said:


> Now comes the sexual abuse, my husband has porn addiction, and *he wanted me to help* him while he watches porn, i hated porn and hate him for that.


...wait a minute, your idea of sexual abuse is your husband asking you for *help*? 

If you hate porn and feel he has an addiction (as in it prevents him from working or sleeping), that is kind of like an alcoholic asking you to help buy him some more vodka. You hate it, but you go to the store and just buy it for him.

That is NOT abuse. That is known as _enabling_ an addiction. You know it is wrong and that is why it makes you upset. 

Next time your husband asks for _help_, try asking him to stop and just give him a big hug. 

Badsanta


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

There's a difference btwn "Wanting to be/stay married" and being married to someone who is violent and abusive.

Two clear choices: Work with him to stop these unacceptable behaviors......good luck on that...or leave.

No one, regardless of their age or where they are from....should stay in an abusive relationship simply to stay married. You can find someone who will love and appreciate you without the abuse, and until then, it's really better to be alone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're in the US, there are many places you can go to get help. Look up "battered women's shelter" and your city and call their number. They'll have a place for you to go to talk to someone. I've known many women who have gone to their local shelter who've been helped to find a job, they help get them an apartment, help with transportation, all sorts of things. 

Another option is to find work you can do from home, and start saving that money (in a bank account he has no access to) and, when you're financially able, move out and file for divorce. This is ONLY if you think he won't start hurting you again.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

badsanta said:


> ...wait a minute, your idea of sexual abuse is your husband asking you for *help*?
> 
> If you hate porn and feel he has an addiction (as in it prevents him from working or sleeping), that is kind of like an alcoholic asking you to help buy him some more vodka. You hate it, but you go to the store and just buy it for him.
> 
> ...


She said "he wanted me to help him *while *he watches porn"
I assume that means he wants her to *do sexual things to him* while he's watching porn. I don't know what that means. A hand-job, oral, or what, but it doesn't sound fun for her. I also take it that he doesn't necessarily mean "let's have sex while we're watching porn" kind of thing, although perhaps that's what he meant and we're getting her perception of it. I picture him in front of a computer masturbating and yelling for her to come take care of him (not a pretty picture.)

I agree with what you're saying, though. If he ha a porn addiction and he asks her for help to quit, then that's a totally different thing. That's like saying "Honey, I would rather have sex with you than myself with porn, but it has to be one or the other so help me out." I would prefer that kind of request to be met with the spouse offering support.

It sounds to me like she's done with his crap. I came from an abusive family and I know how toxic it can be. I dated women that were 95% angel, but then that little abusive streak would poke it's ugly head out and strike and I had no tolerance for any of it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JamesTKirk said:


> She said "he wanted me to help him *while *he watches porn"
> I assume that means he wants her to *do sexual things to him* while he's watching porn. I don't know what that means. A hand-job, oral, or what, but it doesn't sound fun for her. I also take it that he doesn't necessarily mean "let's have sex while we're watching porn" kind of thing, although perhaps that's what he meant and we're getting her perception of it. I picture him in front of a computer masturbating and yelling for her to come take care of him (not a pretty picture.)


THAT was what I was getting at, him watching porn but asking for "help" doing things to him sexually to make his porn more exciting. Much like an alcoholic asking for you to get them some vodka when whatever it is they are drinking is not strong enough. 

So the person is asking for help, BUT as a caregiver it should be easy to recognize that the person is asking for something self destructive. 

In the OP's case, she may not even identify as a caregiver yet for her husband's addictions. But nonetheless once she uses the word "ADDICTION" to describe her husband, she is _acknowledging_ a situation in which she honestly believes one person in the relationship has a *disease* and needs HELP! 

So this is exactly the same as saying an alcoholic abused me by making me go to the liquor store at very dangerous hours of the night to get him more vodka. There are homeless people out at night and I feel extremely threatened doing this for him. *...ummm that is called ENABLING! *


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

get to an abuse shelter right away. Take the kid. you'll never get your head clear in that atmosphere.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@Sadiamrin I just noticed you say "Abusive Start" as the title of your thread. 
If I may say as a survivor of abuse, that once it has "started" it only goes on to get worse. 
Especially when it comes the physical aspects. 
You guys will likely stop & start again many times during your marriage. 
It will not change, even if you do & say exactly what he wants. 
There will always be something or someone at fault. 
Your lack of libido is because deep deep down you know that this man is not Mr Right for you. 
Maybe someday you'll realise that & I hope you have the courage to leave. 

He's cheated, he's hit you, he's insulted you & probably lots more. 
You are merely a piece of property to him. 

This is the role model for your child, remember that. 
And your child will think that this is normal behaviour for any of their future relationships. 






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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

As far as I know, it is not possible for an abuser to stop the abuse unless something really dramatic happens. A lot of abuse happens when the abuser is unable to communicate effectively or is insecure about himself/herself. If your culture does not readily allow separation. (Mine frowns on separation) you need to make it known that he abuses you. The quickest way is to have him picked up by police if he physically abuses you. My niece's husband was an abuser for a long time, but when she rung me crying and saying she was start naked in a public phone box having escaped from him after midnight at temperatures way below zero, I encouraged her to ring the police as I could not get to her. The police took him in and charged him with domestic abuse. He has never done it again but he is now a chronic emotional abuser. 

You honestly need to think about whether you want to be with such a person. He will not stop.


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