# Working on my path to peace



## Tryingtoletbe (Nov 12, 2019)

Hello! 3 years ago I was just a lurker here...but now I'm back and actually posting.

So as my username says..I'm trying to let be...but to get there I would love to get yr input.

About me.... Married 17 yrs. 2 kids. At this present moment I am on the way to filing for divorce.

Id describe myself as a recovering nice guy and working on who is the person I wanna be, as it time to reset.

However there's a voice in my head trying to work out what do her actions really mean? I feel I won't get much from asking her...cos the truth will be so filtered.

I think understanding this will help me let things be as my username suggests!

I'm not sure which forum to post this on...

Short story...3 yrs ago I found out she was cheating on me for about 5-6 yrs of our marriage. I took her back . 6 months ago I suggested we needed to separate. 2 weeks ago ...after a lovely family dinner for my son's birthday the evening prior...I found out that she had been back in touch with the same guy (sexting)

So I am trying to figure this out...to me it says she never really ended it.

She wrote an email saying that it it's not been going on all this time and they had been in contact on recently.

Oops too much disclosure! 

I had just wanted to do an intro and ask which would be the best forum to post my story via?! &#55358;&#56595;


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You say you are on the way to file for divorce. You already asked her the question, and she answered. She's the only one who really knows, you have no way of knowing the absolute truth. Since you have already decided you aren't continuing the relationship, it would better serve you to look ahead in your life, focus on you, and let this go if you can.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

A mod will move your thread where ever they feel best appropriate.

So you separated 6 months ago, and two weeks ago you found out she's been sexting the AP? How did you find that out? Did you discuss if you could both see other people? If you are separated with the intention of divorcing, then she's free to do whatever she wants.

Look, I get it. My wife had two PA's that lasted years. When I told her that we were done and that I wanted a divorce, she immediately reached out to both of the AP's. One wasn't really over at that point, the other she had been NC with for many years. Of course I assumed that it was never over between them. We decided to stay together but down the line, if we decide to divorce and she immediately goes back to that guy? I know that, once again, I'll doubt everything and wonder if it was ever really over. But ruminating solves nothing. All it does is keep you stuck in the past, obsessing over it.

At the end of the day, the marriage is over and the marriage was a lie. Maybe more of a lie than you thought, but a lie nonetheless. You likely won't get all the answers and as much as people here like to believe they can read minds, they cannot. You have to accept that the past is what it is and nothing can change it now. The best thing you can do is move forward and focus on your happiness.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

trying to let be,
Welcome, and why are you seeking to let it be? It can never ever be the same marriage as when you first got married. Yes their can be reconciliation but the Cheating spouse , must do the heavy works to show that they are truly remorseful and contrite, by your few words this has not happened. But instead you and her rugsweeped her infidelity. 

What if any things has she done to earn trust and security in your marriage? What have you demanded from her to allow you to heal? What are you exactly are you seeking today? Did it go full PA or just an EA?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You have been duly deprived of six years of committed marriage by her lascivious and clandestine behavior!

I'd say that you should post your full story in the Coping with Infidelity section!

Greatly looking forward to reading your full story!

Best of luck to you!*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Clearly is not 100% invested in the marriage or you, nope you gave her a chance more than anyone person would and she failed...time to move on with your life and i would make it clear to everyone you tried but she failed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Get out as quickly and painlessly as you can.

Which means:

1. call a lawyer and do everything he says.
2. stop talking to your soon to be ex wife about anything except logistics.
3. take all important papers and scan/make copies of them.
4. get all heirlooms that are just yours out of the house.
5. be gone a lot when you're not being super dad. Act single except for dating. Because you are.

Get this done. It's over. She has absolutely no desire to reconcile with you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Howdy. Don’t worry about posting as the mods will move this where they like.

First ...... I guess maybe you can see what being a nice guy can get you. You likely already have....but read the book no more mr nice guy.

Second.... She isn’t your friend or chat buddy. She crapped all over you for years. Stop talking to her unless it is a legal or child matter. She is now going to play your nice guy tendencies against you.

Third ...... read up on doing the 180.

Fourth.... There is absolutely not one single thing you need to understand about her to find your inner peace. You are putting her in control of how you feel.....which very likely is how you got to where you are in the first place.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So the nice guy recovery is not going well I see... 

Are you kidding. She was having an affair for about 40% of your marriage, and she is back at it and you are wondering what you should do. 

Really, you are wondering what to do? 

How about you run to the nearest atty and file for divorce today if possible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you are here under these circumstances, @Tryingtoletbe.

I have moved your thread to CWI, though I expect that eventually you will need to post in the Considering Divorce section, too.

However, I think you need to be checked for STDs.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

You've already given her much of your life and any additional time comes with a risk I think you're better off not undertaking. A relationship requires love, respect and trust. Not sure she respects, she may not even know what love is aside of loving herself and you cannot trust her. These are non-negotiable requirements, not options or added benefits.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re correct that you’ll likely never know the truth. Very few of us ever find out what really happened because cheaters minimize. They don’t want anyone, especially their spouse, to know all that they’ve done. So let go of the hope of her telling you everything. File and move on.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Tryingtoletbe said:


> Hello! 3 years ago I was just a lurker here...but now I'm back and actually posting.
> 
> So as my username says..I'm trying to let be...but to get there I would love to get yr input.
> 
> ...


How are you doing Ttlb? Please share, and hope to give you some direction.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly I do not understand why there is any confusion on your part. Your wife is a remorseless serial cheat and a liar. Not much else needed to know that you need to get the hell out of this marriage. You have wasted way too much time already that you will never get back, so onward and upward. I would suggest utilizing the considering divorce part of the forum.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Don't let them turn you off. You clearly stated that, as a recovering nice guy, you were on your way to file for divorce when you posted this and recognize it's time to reset. Some people were mistaken and read your post wrong, but please don't let that deter you from posting. You need to share your story and get it off your chest, so feel free to do that. I hope you were able to complete your business yesterday. What's your next step?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can still find your peace, find your way forward without knowing her side of the story. 

Turns out....it doesn't really matter. Not to your life and your future. Anything she has done is on her. 

We all want answers when things go south. Some people get all twisted, or grow bitter from not understanding "how we got here". You can find a way, within yourself, to move forward. You mentally and emotionally separate yourself from her (the 180 in simple form). You stop talking to her. Don't ask her anything....at all. If she attempts to get emotional with you, resist. Just tell her you don't want to hear anything, period. It's over. You know enough and nothing else matters. 

Divorce is business. Prepare yourself. Get educated. Read up on divorce laws in your state. See an attorney. ASAP. There is no reason to put it off. Just do it. 

Take care of yourself. Spend some time with friends, and your kids. They need you to be strong and THERE for them.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It doesn't matter whether the affair was going on the whole time or not. The fact that she restarted it is bad enough. Time to get this parasite out of your life.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

TRYING, TYhere's nothing to save. She's a serial cheater. Get rid of her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know it hurts to pull the plug on the marriage but she’s was gone a long time ago. I recommend that you do a full exposure of both of them to both families. Don’t let her try to make it seem like it was you that caused the destruction of the family. Have her Served on the day of exposure. Let her know that plan B is no longer an option. 

Work on rebuilding yourself. Your self esteem just took a massive beating. Now it’s time to selfishly put yourself 1st. Get your but in the gym and bust your @ss working out. It will help you get rid of all that nervous tension you have. Start taking care your appearance. I’m talking about hair, beard, clothes, hygiene, etc. doing that is to make you feel good about yourself. It will put a pep in your step if you like what you see in the mirror. Also let your kids see that daddy is a strong man. 

Get out there doing activities with other people, especially men. Being a husband and father has a way of wussyfing us men. You need to search for your inner warrior.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's been a 6 month separation already, and in that time she still been with the other man via email or in person. And the truth is she likes her freedom. And she didn't give you too much discloser, she knew exactly what she did women are multi level thinkers where as men are not .

She playing chess and your thinking checkers. You have to make a decision to move on. As much as you don't want to, she by her admissions was to inform you as too see if you are still going to be her puppet. 

And that my friend is no way to live.


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