# Q: how to stay calm



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Having a problem with this. A month or so out of DDay1. Less than a week since the whole truth came out.

I am trying to stay calm and talk with my wife about day to day things, but I just end up finding myself dragged back to how much she has hurt me, how she is not doing anything to help me fix the marriage, etc, etc, etc. Every conversation just ends up in both people screaming ad upset. 

I am the stronger person by a long way, and I don't like being out of control like this. How do you keep your temper in check and just chat about every day life, to remind each other of what you are fighting for?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sounds like you are not willing to reconcile. If every convo turns into an arguement I bet wife is thinking about bolting.

Controlling yourself is all about maning up. When things start going downhill, leave the room or get out of the house all together. You simply can't pass up the opputunity to rake her over the coals.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

I do want to reconcile. Very badly. But you're right. I need to man up. Thanks for the honesty.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let make this insight - it keeps coming down to both people screaming and upset because your WW is fighting ending the affair, accepting responsibility, and having remorse.

You're frustrated and angry because she is not working at this like she should be. So you are pushing at her trying to get her to engage and actually for her to fight to be in the marriage with you.

Mean while she is fighting and angry because she is defending herself and her actions and her affair and the OM, because deep down in her head she isn't sorry, she doesn't want it to stop, and she really at the moment wants the OM and the happy affair she had. She wants those feelings she had with him, and she's not really sorry she had them. 

So the two of you fight because your goals are directly opposite and neither wants to loose.

My suggestion is for you to walk away from her. do the 180. even take a trip yourself to get away from her. As has been said - let her go.

The current path where you fight to get her back into the marriage, and she fights to leave will not get her back.

let her go.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here are 2 of the most important points of the 180 that will help you right now:

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

I would recommend that you start doing these ASAP.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It happened to me too. 
I solved it by choosing not to bite even when I wanted to. The first word would splutter out, but then I'd close my mouth and do something else instead.
Eventually I didn't need to bite.
For what it's worth, controlling the sniping also assisted in releasing the anger, bitterness and resentment that followed.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

great advice as always, thanks guys


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I'm in the same boat with the yelling, I can play an entire argument out in my head in advance and then do it anyway for real. she has such an explosive temper. And the lady protests too much one of the things that made me aware was any time got on her for going out too much she'd raise hell.
I find myself in a tornado at times going WTF??? over stupid stuff And I haven't even had it out with her yet.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Are you guys in counseling? What exactly is causing your anger? You obviously have some resentment or anger about something specific that she isn't addressing, do you know what that is?

You're not going to heal if you can't communicate what you need to heal. If you don't even know what you need, how can you expect your wife to meet those needs?

You're saying you feel your wife isn't do anything to help the marriage. What specifically do you think she should be doing? You're going to have a really hard time communicating those needs if you are angry, that's why counseling I would consider a necessity not optional for an affair. A counselor is going to mediate your discussions so you really get to the root of your problems instead of getting defensive and bickering.

The last thing I will say is, holy crap you are only a week out from really knowing the truth. You really expect to go on with your day to day business a week after getting your whole world flipped upside down? It also means for 3 weeks you were not being told the whole truth, which probably makes trusting even harder. Give yourself some time to grieve before you start trying to have regular chit-chat. Sometimes it takes months before someone can even begin to have a pleasant conversation with their spouse. Being angry is a totally normal step in the process, allow yourself to be angry for some time without feeling guilty or trying to stop it.

The more you try to oppress feelings, especially in the beginning, the longer you will draw out the healing process. And no I'm not saying to be a miserable pile of crap indefinitely, but you can't expect to go through a traumatic experience like this without some severe anger and resentment for a temporary period of time. Ask your wife for some patience as you deal with your emotions. I found just being honest with my wife was very helpful. "Hey I just want you to know that I'm feeling really angry today about the whole thing, I could really use some patience and reassurance."

I'm not an expert but I think the advice to not push issues with your wife is not going to be helpful after d-day if your wife wants to reconcile. You need to be up front about what you need to heal or you're going to be miserable indefinitely. Wayward spouses by default are not going to want to discuss details of an event they would like to forget. I would think that advice should only apply if your wife is still IN the affair. I can tell you for sure if I didn't bring up issues of the affair my wife would have been very happy to completely forget it and never bring it up.

Yes go out and have some man time, discover yourself and make sure you are your own person. That is good advice for anyone in any relationship. But don't act indifferent in your marriage after something like this without first expressing your needs. Your spouse is not clairvoyant. It's one thing if you express clearly your needs and she doesn't want to respond to them, but making a blanket statement that "she's not doing anything" shows a lack of real communication.

Without knowing more about specifically what's going on, I would be slow to reach a judgement that your wife really isn't doing anything. If you said that to her in counseling would she agree or would she say she is doing something but it's not good enough? If it's the former, then do the 180 because she's not ready to reconcile yet. If it's the latter, then you need to communicate together more effectively and work to be patient and acknowledging of the efforts she IS making. Reconciling after an affair takes work, and it's hard, for both spouses. You will have your part to deal with (anger, resentment, forgiveness, trust). She will have her part to (not feeling good enough, guilt, embarassment, etc). Both spouses need to be understanding and patient with their partner as they deal with their own stuff. It's not easy, which is why many couples don't make it. But if you ARE both committed, and patient and understanding with eachother, the result is going to be a marriage that is much stronger than before.

Through the most intense pain I've ever dealt with, my wife's affair was the best thing to happen to us. I can not believe the life we had grown accustomed to. We have a marriage now that is as strong as a rock, built on unconditional love and openness, where we both strive to meet eachother's needs. Have hope and be excited about slow progress, don't be surprised if you go backwards some days as long as you are moving forward.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When buttons are pushed, acknoledge them and inform your spouse you will not go down that road.

When the spouses voice rises, acknoldge the volumn and inform your spouse you will not go down that road.

Not only are you controling the pase and tone of the convo you are also telling your self that you will not go down that road.

So when you feel your self heading south, don't be affraid to calmly make the correction out load, even if the spouse is not listening, you are saying this out loud for your self.

"I will not talk to you that way , I expect the same"

" pushing my buttons will not resolve the issue, i will not push yours, please stop"

"lets get back to point, being a ahole is not the point here, I will not call you names , I expect the same"

I know this crap is tough but I hope it helps.


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