# Me and wife separated and shes got a "friend"



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

My wife was always very loving and proud of me then that changed all of sudden. She started to blame everything on me and said she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. She wanted to be friends but i couldn't handle living together as friends. I get a call from her cousin days later saying they wanted me know that she was messing around with a guy 2 houses down.

I still love my wife very deeply and i'm heartbroken but i didn't want to believe this cousin and still thought the best of my wife. I asked her about it and she admitted that they were just friends and would be nothing more. She said he was going through the same thing as her and was there to talk. I even talked to the guy and he said it was nothing like that, that he thought she was cool but didn't want to do that to any family.

I must be an idiot but i felt he was honest with me, his answers to my questions seemed sinsere. Well i check her facebook and i find her telling all these guys that shes single now to hit up her cell phone. I also see her messaging the guy telling him she was sorry that hes the only one and there is no1 else (i'm guessing they got into an argument, lol kinda funny thinking she left me for this guy because we had problems but they having problems 2 weeks into their relationship). 

I'm just stunned because she was never like this and all of a sudden bam. I keep hoping she would snap out of this and come back for our 2 young kids sake.

I just don't know how to feel. I"m shocked, saddened she could do this and I'm just pissed off.

Someone give me some advice about something please.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm sorry - but this has probably been brewing for some time. Her sudden change was probably when she decided it was time to make her move 'official'. Rather than be honest - she made up a bunch of lies that she might even believe are true about how you've ruined everything and she HAS to have her freedom.

Assume she's cheating and that anything you hear about her is true.

You need to figure out if this is something you want to work on saving.

Regardless - the last thing you want to do right now is chase after her. Let her go for now - don't call - do NOT look needy - no begging or pleading to come home.

You'll get more concrete advice from others here - but bottom line - she's lost in the "fog" of an affair. Reason and logic are gone. Its like she's on drugs or something.

Based on what you know - how much you love her - how long you've been together - do you want to try to save your marriage? Give it some thought...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Here`s what I would do in this order..

Put a keylogger on her computer
Put a GPS/Call log app on her phone.
Put a voice activated recorder under her car seat.

Then I`d ..

Inform her I knew about the other man.
Tell her to write the OM a No Contact email and watch her send it.
Not believe a word she says for a very VERY long time.
Watch her like a hawk.

If she refused to do any of the above I`d have her served divorce papers with no warning..

That might change her mind.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?
The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" means, "I'm having an affair".

Lay out some demands, evidence, and some divorce papers out in front of her and see how she reacts. If she doesn't confess and express remorse, it's not a good sign.

She did to you what I almost did to my wife. I got caught by my wife just in time.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

:iagree:

Do what they said. Start with gathering evidence.

Check your phone bill. What numbers does she call the most? Any late night / odd time numbers?

Print her FB page - make note any friends you don't know. She'll probably unfriend you soon if you ask too many questions.

And remember - filing for divorce doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Sometimes its the only way to wake the person up. 

And as stated above - if you do these things - and she shows NO remorse - there's probably little or nothing you can do.

Very sorry...


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

thanks for the reply niceguy. We have been together 6 years married 3 with 2 daughters (5 years old and 19 months). I do love her very much and i wish she would come to her senses. Everything seemed to be going good until a few weeks ago she things she had a miscarriage. After that is when she began turning on me.

This guy stepped in at the right moment and sweet talked her. She must think this guys is all into her but i can tell hes a douche and just wants to get laid. Thats why i'd give her another chance because as much as it hurts i don't want a long term effect on our kids and i think he might have took advantage of her feeling depressed from the miscarriage. 

I don't know how to explain her trying to spread her number around and looking for more attention. I know its best to give her space but that is a very difficult thing because shes gonna go and make more mistakes without actually thinking about this.

She tried to put alot of BS blame on me and that she hasn't been happy for 2 years since our second child was born.

I don't believe that because you can go back and read all the really sweet messages she wrote me for no reason but love. She didn't have to fake messages and put on a show for just me. She even wrote 2 weeks before all this went down that she was happy to have me in her and the girls lives and that i was an amazing husband and she couldn't wait to spend many more years with me. THEN, bam miscarriage and shes nutz.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She sounds immature.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Cheaters often re-write history. It won't make sense. She's just making excuses for her own bad behavior.

And sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Makes it even harder.

I'm guessing you're right about this guy using it to get close to her.

You need to get some evidence and have a talk with her about what your cousin said, and what's on her FB page - and simply the fact that she's left. But I have a bad feeling for you that this isn't going to be easy.

Hope for the best - but be ready for the worst (divorce).

Good luck...


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

yea she is, we got pregnant at a young age she was 17 and now shes 23. 

I still love this woman more than anything in this world and its so hard.

I know deep down she knows what she is doing is stupid. All her friends and family have ever told her since we got together was how lucky she was and how she had it made with me and that i was a great guy. Her mom used to tell me all the time that she thanked god that her daughter found someone like me and she was thankful of the person that i am.

I keep holding on to hope that she would just wake up out of this daze. I want my family to stay together even though i know it will take major work for this marriage to work out.

Any suggestions on how to get her attention and make her realize she is messing her life up.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Financially cut her off. Take her off all bank accounts and credit cards. Tell her that if she needs something, just make a list. Then you order on line for delivery. No discretionary cash whatsoever. If she wants cash. Tell her to get a job. It will leave her less time to go heals up with these guys.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tigercat said:


> yea she is, we got pregnant at a young age she was 17 and now shes 23.
> 
> I still love this woman more than anything in this world and its so hard.
> 
> ...


Yeah - just re-read the advice above. Get some info together and tell her you won't accept this kind of behavior. If she's not too far gone, she'll break down and apologize.

But you have to confront her - and have some basis for it - like her FB pages, or what your cousin told you - otherwise she'll lie - and you'll probably really want to believe her and back off.

Also - don't file for or even threaten divorce unless you are serious about it. You have to be willing to follow through on any threats - or she might just call your bluff.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

initfortheduration.... When she told me that "she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore", she also said we could continue living together as friends. My reply was that would be too hard on me and that i would have to move out. Well she packed my stuff one day when i was at work and tells everyone i'm the one that left (i really wasn't given a choice). 

When i left i took her credit/debit cards and checkbook to make sure she didn't drain my account. Little did i know she didn't pay alot of the bills and i think she had already taken money out the account. None of our bill have been getting paid and creditor keep calling me, when i didnt even know we were not paying them. I just got a phone call mintues ago that we are 3 months late on that house. I thought she might have not been paying the other bills so she could have money for the house note but i guess she wasn't paying that either.

We have nothing to show for the past 2 months, no paid bills or no extra money. I have no idea what she was doing with our finances.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If she breaks down, keep her talking to you. You need to find out what she's looking for outside of what you two have/had together.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is spending to finance her affair.

You should move back in today. It's your house. She is the one cheating, let her leave.

Get a lawyer involved and meaningfully cut her out and off.

So far all you have done is moved out and let her run wild.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start doing damage control and start exposing her to family, friends, etc


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

She blames me that she wasn't happy because i didn't spend enough time with them and i didn't she them off to the world enough or that i didn't show her how much i loved her.

The thing that gets me is that she was a great wife to me up until the miscarriage. She says she wasn't happy for 2 years but i know that was bull. She always wrote me sweet things and told me she never wanted to lose me. I never forced any of that stuff out of her, that was her saying those things on her own.

She admitted to me that after the miscarriage that she was really depressed and wished some morning she wouldn't wake up.

I don't know what it was but the week after the miscarriage she just turned cold and emotionless to me.

Thats what keeps running through my head...is she cold to me because the miscarriage affected her mentally or is she cold to me because i took a backseat to this douche giving her attention?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She had a miscarriage.

That's heavy and hard to deal with.

I know a few women who left a marriage because of it. I know others who stayed, but were depressed. I know still others who went on to have many children afterwards.

I suggest IC for your wife. Did you two grieve this miscarriage together? If not, she could feel abandonment from you for not being emotionally involved in her pregnancy, no matter how long it was.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You seem to really downplay the miscarriage.

If she senses this as well, it could be the reason she is turning to some OM.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I don't want to just throw all this dirty laundry out to the public to make her look bad because of the thought that maybe she might come around. I do want to get back with her because i remember her as the sweet caring wife i once had. I don't want to piss her off to the point that she would hate me the rest of her life. Right now she is trying to be "friends" with me.

Every once in awhile she kinda break through and shows a glimpse of my old wife. Example, this morning i had to bring our 2 kids back to her and she is the one who came up to me and asked me to hug her, not once but twice she did that. Before when she was stonefaced she didn't even want me around , she wanted to "punch me in the face" because he hated me for some reason.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

that_girl....i think that is some of the problem, she does feel abandoned by me, i was emotionless when she found out about the possible miscarriage. I'm a guy and i just didn't understand what she was going through, she was pregnant for 1 or 2 weeks. She felt that she lost her full grown baby and i just felt like we lost something that wasn't even stating to develop (hard to explain). 

I didn't mean to be emotionless towards her feelings i just couldn't grasp it and it didn't hit me, it certainly didn't mean i didn't care about her or the pregnancy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> She had a miscarriage.
> 
> That's heavy and hard to deal with.
> 
> ...


Even if this is the reason, there's no way to work on it if she's living somewhere else, "seeing" a guy down the street, and advertising on FB about how she's available.

I agree - counseling would be great. But if she's in the fog to the point that she's throwing money away - then I doubt she'll agree to get help so easily.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Your old wife is in her somewhere. Help her find the good part of her and bring that out. 

If my wife had played my affair out in public, I probably would have left her, found a job out of state, and moved just because of the humiliation. So far, she hasn't done that. But that's just me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She wasn't pregnant for one or two weeks, as it wouldn't show up on a test until at least 3.5 weeks.

The fact that you admit you were emotionless is good. However, how selfish to not try to comfort her just because you didn't "get" how she felt. She lost a pregnancy...depending on how she feels about pregnancy, she lost a baby--- no matter how large or small it was.

It is a horrible thing to go through mentally (blaming yourself, missing a child you never knew, etc) AND physically (cramping, clotting, bleeding, DnC) . It's painful and sad and the last thing you need is a husband who can't be there for you because he doesn't "get" it. 

I lost a baby at about 7 weeks. Probably was a good thing, but my fiance's response was..."bummer". That was the end of our relationship. 

I suggest you bring this up with her, if you haven't already, and apologize for being an ass about this situation. She probably doesn't bring it up (because I'm sure it's still on her mind) because she felt you pull away while it was happening...

This is all speculation, mind you, but I have dealt with it personally and walked with friends through it as well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Even if this is the reason, there's no way to work on it if she's living somewhere else, "seeing" a guy down the street, and advertising on FB about how she's available.
> 
> I agree - counseling would be great. But if she's in the fog to the point that she's throwing money away - then I doubt she'll agree to get help so easily.


Well, IMO, the OP kinda blew it by not being sensitive to her needs during this miscarriage.

Hard for people to understand who haven't been through it.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

of course she wants you to "live together as friends" She is cake eating. Having you for financial support and as a plan "B" in case the affair partner turns out to be not what she wants. 

Time to let her feel what it's like to be single.

Q~


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Even if this is the reason, there's no way to work on it if she's living somewhere else, "seeing" a guy down the street, and advertising on FB about how she's available.
> 
> I agree - counseling would be great. But if she's in the fog to the point that she's throwing money away - then I doubt she'll agree to get help so easily.


I meant IC to deal with the crisis of a miscarriage.

He said she went one week being fine, to having the miscarriage and BAM-- crazy.

She needs to work through it, and since she couldn't rely on her husband, she is not rebelling, etc. She needs to talk to someone about it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in big time denial. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure?
1. get checked for STD's
2. See a lawyer about your options.
3. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

When we first separated, i did the usual begging and pleading and cry stuff and she was non responsive, she was just cold. I asked her to got to MC with me and she said she didn't want to work it out that she "loved me but wasn't in love", little did i know that she didn't want to work on it because she had this fog around her, this fantasy life withouth bills and just attention from this guy. So i don't think i could get her to go to coulseling because she is just in a darkness. I know the way she used to be only 1 month ago and i know she just needs to wake up to what she really has in me. She needs to stop taking comfort in this other guy and face our problems and make our marriage work for us and our kids.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But you weren't there for her during a crisis in her life.

Were you? 

What does she have in you emotionally? She turned to another man after a miscarriage. That speaks loudly to me.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

I realized i screwed up right there. I didn't notice she was suffering until she told me, It wasn't like i said the hell with being pregnant. I admitted all my wrong doings to her and that i had dropped the ball. I knew i didn't pick up on her feeling that blue about the preganancy and she didn't communicate to me that she was suffereing from it either.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd start there. Sorry, but the timeline is just a little too much to think that this miscarriage and your response to it wasn't the start of everything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Question- perhaps they were meetungup before the miscarriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> I meant IC to deal with the crisis of a miscarriage.
> 
> He said she went one week being fine, to having the miscarriage and BAM-- crazy.
> 
> She needs to work through it, and since she couldn't rely on her husband, she is not rebelling, etc. She needs to talk to someone about it.


I knew what you meant. I kind of think we're both right though. Yes - she's dealing with some emotional problems as the result of a tragedy. BUT - there is also clearly some classic "afffair-speak" here. She's definitely reading from the affair script. Likely because another man used this tragedy as an opportunity.

But even then - with Mister Sensitive in the way - and struggling with a deep personal loss - why is she advertising to men on FB?

That_girl - I totally understand your reaction to your BF - but I bet you weren't out on dating sites the day after you broke up with him.

I would bet that even if tigercat does approach this by apologizing for not being there with all of his heart - she's still not going to just accept it - go to therapy - and agree to come home.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Our marriage seems like the classic Walk Away Wife scenerio. I didn't pay attention to her feeling and didn't spend enough time with them because i was too wrapped up in my life thinking about the future. Of course like every case, once she leaves or checks out it finally opens my eyes and i realize i wasn't there for her emotionally. I just want to bring her back into the light and show her i have changed and i am the man she married.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tigercat said:


> I don't know how to explain her trying to spread her number around and looking for more attention. I know its best to give her space but that is a very difficult thing because shes gonna go and make more mistakes without actually thinking about this.



tigercat, your wife is having an inappropriate relationship with another man AND she`s advertising that she`s single trying to hook up with even more men....why in the hell would you think it`s a good idea to "give her space"?

If you "Give her space she`s going to get laid.
I don`t think you want that man.

You should be all over her and her whereabout what she`s doing and with who.
She should have 0 space at the moment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> That_girl - I totally understand your reaction to your BF - but I bet you weren't out on dating sites the day after you broke up with him.
> 
> .


No. But I got close to a friend at work who listened and showed sympathy. He turned out to be very annoying LOL but served a purpose in all of it.

All I know is something in her probably snapped and now she's doing all of this for attention. 

Is it right? Eff no. I'd be upset too...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Question- perhaps they were meetungup before the miscarriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We could go there...and we could say that maybe the baby wasn't his.

I mean, there are tons of whatifs.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You have to stop being so damn nice man.

Move back into your house, set up the snooping equipment mentioned earlier, take away all access to finances, make your demands, and if she balks have her served divorce papers.

She needs a shock to her system and you being mister nice guy isn`t going to give her one.

Man up tigercat!!

If you want her back you`d better start fighting.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Thats why i'm here, i need advice... You get some advice that says give her her space and do not contact her no matter what, she will burn out with this affair and realize what she had and other advice says the opposite to get answers from her and force her to talk. I'm just scared that if i try to crowd her she will just back away even farther where i won't be about to reach her. At least right now she is acting as my friend.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Ask her to draw a timeline of feelings. If she doesn't write down the miscarriage, ask her to place it somewhere along the timeline.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Thats why i'm here, i need advice... You get some advice that says give her her space and do not contact her no matter what, she will burn out with this affair and realize what she had and other advice says the opposite to get answers from her and force her to talk. I'm just scared that if i try to crowd her she will just back away even farther where i won't be about to reach her. At least right now she is acting as my friend.



Do you wanta friend or do you want a wife?

Seriously if you give her the space she`s asking for it`s over.
She wants space to build her new life without you.

You cannot allow this.

You can`t force her to do anything but you can influence her mental state by your actions.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tigercat said:


> . I'm just scared that if i try to crowd her she will just back away even farther where i won't be about to reach her. At least right now she is acting as my friend.


That's exactly what will happen. Read Dobson's Love Must be Tough. The more you chase the more she will repel. If you stop chancing and begin to walk away, she may draw closer. It's reverse of what your heart tells you but it does work.

P.S. She needs to act like your wife, not your friend.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tigercat said:


> Thats why i'm here, i need advice... You get some advice that says give her her space and do not contact her no matter what, she will burn out with this affair and realize what she had and other advice says the opposite to get answers from her and force her to talk. I'm just scared that if i try to crowd her she will just back away even farther where i won't be about to reach her. At least right now she is acting as my friend.


I agree that you should move back home. You have a right to be there as much as she does.

You don't want to crowd her - especially not the way you've been doing. You dont' want to seem desparate to fix things. 

But you do need to confront her - with "some" kind of evidence (FB page) that you know what she's doing and it needs to stop - or else...

After that - you back off again UNLESS she shows you remorse and a willingness to work on things and stop all this other BS.

The miscarriage clouds everything. But - most people who turn away from their partner have SOME kind of reason. And even if what she's doing is because of the miscarriage, she's still doing the wrong things. It should make it easier to understand and forgive her - but she's not acting right.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Tacoma- your brutal and honest but u make alot of sense. lol

I thank all of you have responded to my thread. This is why i came to TAM for confide in people and listen to their stories and have people going the same stuff i'm going through to talk to. I have people in my everyday life to talk to but they just don't understand because they haven't went through this.

I do want my wife back and i want snap her out of this funk. This douche isn't a good guy, he doesn't give a sh*t about her, she belongs with her husband who loves her unconditionally and her kids. We made plans for the future together and we need to work through this. I just got to clear the fog and convince her of it.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

another bad thing is that alot of people keep telling her that she is wrong with her reasons for not wanting to be with me (of course they don't know she got someone else). They keep telling her what she should do and that i'm a great guy. Well, that is pushing her even farther, she is doing the opposite because people are telling her what to do. why should i get punished for what other people are telling her?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tigercat said:


> another bad thing is that alot of people keep telling her that she is wrong with her reasons for not wanting to be with me (of course they don't know she got someone else). They keep telling her what she should do and that i'm a great guy. Well, that is pushing her even farther, she is doing the opposite because people are telling her what to do. why should i get punished for what other people are telling her?


She's not punishing you - she's not even thinking about you, sadly.

These other people are just annoying her by trying to tell her what to do. Its good that these people are on your side - you don't want to change that. One of them MAY be able to break through to her.

But most of this has nothing to do with you. You are not a big part of her thought process at this moment.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

How do i get to be a part of her thought process again. I have taken the steps to better myself like everyone says. She used the bogus excuses that i didn't spend enough time with the kids and didn't take them out to do stuff. Well since the separation, I have opened my eyes and now when i get my 2 daughters its all about them, we have had a good time the past few weekends together. I want to make sure I do the things that i neglected to do while i was with them. I maned up to my mistakes and I'm doing whats right and not being selfish.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tigercat said:


> How do i get to be a part of her thought process again. I have taken the steps to better myself like everyone says. She used the bogus excuses that i didn't spend enough time with the kids and didn't take them out to do stuff. Well since the separation, I have opened my eyes and now when i get my 2 daughters its all about them, we have had a good time the past few weekends together. I want to make sure I do the things that i neglected to do while i was with them. I maned up to my mistakes and I'm doing whats right and not being selfish.


After you confront her and tell her you know whats going on, she might come to her senses and agree to work on things.

But I think it was Amp that said previously, its almost like doing the opposite of what feels right.

If you are chasing her - she knows she can drop this guy and come home AT ANY TIME.

If you tell her you know what she's doing - tell her you won't stand for it - give her a choice (him or me) - and then calmly and cooly walk away - she'll be left to wonder. And worry.

Then - the next step is to do whats called a 180 - turn things around. You basically leave her alone. Start working out. Go out - let her wonder what you're doing. NEVER let her see any stress or agony on your face.

I dealt with this kind of stuff for 2 years. The only time I got CLOSE to getting my wife back was when I truly stopped caring - about a year ago. She got nervous because she knew her safety net might not be there to catch her if she fell. The less I called - the more she called. The more she wanted to spend time together.

But I'll be honest - when I tried to fake this stuff - it didn't work. When I got to that point where I truly felt like I could move on if needed - that's when she FELT the change.

You can't control her. But you still might be able to influence her. Big difference...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

bryanp said:


> You are in big time denial. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure?
> 1. get checked for STD's
> 2. See a lawyer about your options.
> 3. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


I rarely agree with Bryanp's direct approach, but DAMN. 

1 - Why would you want her back and 
2 - She's not coming back anyhow.

And screw all of that "I wasn't there for her "crap. Grow a pair, move back into your house and throw the cheating skank out.

Sorry, but DAMN dude. She was 17 when she got tied down with a husband and kids. She's now 23. She's got some catching up to do. You want to wait for her?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The more you chase after her, the more she's going to runaway from you. Crying, and pleading to her will only push her farther away from you. You can't control her but you certainly control how you react to the situation that you are in.

Please click on the links below, especially "Just Let Them Go", "The 180 degrees rules" and the "No More Mr Nice Guy". Implementing the principles in these links will help you in attaining emotional strength to move on with your life no matter what happens to the marriage.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

As good a wife as she was up until this A, she is still young and immature. Besides the affair fog is blinding her rationale. On top of that, it seems a bit of teenagerish rebellious mindset is also playing a part here trying to go opposite of what everyone else is telling her to do. 

The fact she pulled out funds and stopped paying the bills means she has completely checked out of your M and made a full commitment to OM. I know this is sad, as OM obviously is not taking her so seriously like you do as you guys have 2 kids as well. I am not even sure OM even ever planned to commit to your W to such extent. I have a feeling that your W is in for a rude awakening down the line. 

She probably feels that she has crossed the line of no-return and try her best to stay in course out of fog and her pride. She is dealing with her pain of miscarriage by blaming it all on her BH. Very immature, indeed. She may be caring woman deep inside, but she sure is not the smartest, it seems.

At this point, I think there is not a whole lot you can do, except just letting her go. You can file for D now, or you can do separation. Either way, you have to let her know the consequences of her decision. She may wake up when she realizes all this is happening for real, or she wakes up after spending more time in "real" relationship with OM. It depends on how much you can take. 

If she leaves you to live with OM 2 houses down the street swapping kids on weekends for 6 months and finally wakes up, can you take her back? I am sorry to say your options are not good no matter, but the important thing is you have to accept this situation and brace yourself for the roller coaster ride from this point on. Right now, your wife is no more. Accept this, and try detaching your feelings. It's 100% upto her to wake up, and nothing you say or do will hardly make any difference. 

Sorry you are in this mess.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tigercat said:


> Tacoma- your brutal and honest but u make alot of sense. lol


I know it`s not intuitive tigercat but the things you`re being told to do work,
Putting pressure on a WW is the only thing that can snap them out of it.



tigercat said:


> another bad thing is that alot of people keep telling her that she is wrong with her reasons for not wanting to be with me (of course they don't know she got someone else). They keep telling her what she should do and that i'm a great guy. Well, that is pushing her even farther, she is doing the opposite because people are telling her what to do. why should i get punished for what other people are telling her?


This is a good thing.
If she has rational voices around when she`s not with you it will eventually start getting through.
These people are pissing her off because their words are forcing her to leave her little fantasy even if for just a little while.
She doesn`t want that.

Get your evidence, move back in, confront your wife, lay down your boundaries and be prepared to walk...really walk.

That`s the only way you`ll get her back if you can.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Did you ever notice how 97% of cheaters all have the same bull**** monologue, the same script, the same order of operations? It's like when my kids were little they always thought they were first people on earth to ever come up with some brilliant bull**** story to get over on me.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

LOL i got the funniest news earlier while snooping on her facebook. She had messaged the OM to please talk to her that she was only into him, there was no one else!!! "I sware to god there is no one else!!!" HAHA...the funny thing is she is messing up a good marriage with a really good guy who treated her like gold to be with some douche and already 1 month into their affair they are fighting. That provides some relief for me just to know that her new life isn't going as she might have planned it. :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What fools lol. "there's no one else (except my husband)."

I say, go home, kick her out, tell her to have fun and then think about what you need/want to do.

She's got issues and this affair isn't helping. And her OM is a moron too....He knows she's married? Then he's a moron.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Some of the most successful LS (loyal spouse) have been the ones that have kicked their DS (disloyal spouse) out the door after finding evidence that they have been cheating. You may want to consider this approach for two reasons:

1. It shows you as a man with dignity and self respect who is not going to tolerate betrayal. Emotionally strong on steroids.

2. Once the 'fog' clears from her pretty little head, she'll know that she is going to have to come crawling on her hands and knees in order for you to take her back. Assuming of course you would want to do that.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Yea hes a moron, we just moved down the street at the end of May. We didn't even really know anyone down there because we kept to ourselves. The guy lives like 4 houses down and is supposed to be a single dad with a little boy. Supposedly from what i heard, they met one morning while putting the kids on the bus at the beginning of the street. He then looked her up on facebook and asked her if she was the girl at the end of the street and their magical fairy-tale blossomed from there. awww how sweet BARF...he knew she was married and was a predator to a married woman..he must have told her stuff she wanted to hear and BINGO, he ruins a marriage and family (with the help of her, of course)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And somehow it's you that moved out?

No no....pull a Columbus on her ass and kick her out. It is Columbus day today, after all.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

yea well i'm not worried about the house. The finance company called to day and wanted to know why we are 3 notes behind, and i said i don't know i don't live there. If she can't come up with payments soon they will forclose. I know it will hurt my credit because the loan is under my name but at this point i don't give a sh*t. She was in charge of our finances and paying bills but apparently she didn't do anything but possibly steal my money because we have nothing to show for it (i was getting paychecks deposited in our account). All the bills that i knew we had were all past due by a month or 2. Hell maybe she has been paying this guy to have an affair with her, idk?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st your wife is demonizing you---to justify her cheating

2nd get your a*s back into the house YESTERDAY---you can be nailed for abandonment if you go to court

3rd stop being mr nice-guy---stop being anything at all to her---treat her like she doesn't exist

4th you take over everything financially

5th --stop with all this crap and excuses about why its happeneing----just deal with/prepare yourself for the future

6th you and your kids, ar most important, and that is all that matters---at this point SHE DOES NOT MATTER


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My dad pulled that crap on my mom. said he was going to mail the bills, then he'd look to see how much they were for, write checks AGAINST the same amount and not mail the bills in.

He was a peach. But cocaine will make a jerk out of ya. My mom divorced him and then found a PILE of unpaid bills under the floor in the garage. 

Winner.


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

that_girl.....just curious as to how these people think...what was he using the money for? the cocaine? ....i'm pretty sure she doesn't do drugs but the way shes been acting , never know....she was never one to gamble..i didn't see her come home with anything new


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tigercat said:


> that_girl.....just curious as to how these people think...what was he using the money for? the cocaine? ....i'm pretty sure she doesn't do drugs but the way shes been acting , never know....she was never one to gamble..i didn't see her come home with anything new


A new man...sadly.

The way some of the advice above is delivered seems a bit harsh -but I'm afraid its dead on.

Don't let her mess up your credit or anything else.

Go home - pay the bills. Work with the bank.

Get moving...now...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tigercat said:


> yea well i'm not worried about the house. The finance company called to day and wanted to know why we are 3 notes behind, and i said i don't know i don't live there. If she can't come up with payments soon they will forclose. I know it will hurt my credit because the loan is under my name but at this point i don't give a sh*t. She was in charge of our finances and paying bills but apparently she didn't do anything but possibly steal my money because we have nothing to show for it (i was getting paychecks deposited in our account). All the bills that i knew we had were all past due by a month or 2. Hell maybe she has been paying this guy to have an affair with her, idk?


Even though you and her arranged for her to do the family finances, it is equally your responsibility - get them under control, seek a lawyer asap and get separation agreement in place to divide the marital property so that you can keep your name off of her irresponsible choices. If she refuses to sign the agreement it will go to court, but you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your life on the track you want it on.

I know its brutally tough right now, I was in your situation 5 months ago - I completely agree with runslikedog, its a script and it happens on here the same way over and over. So be accepting of the advice you get on here, especially from people like morituri who has the links to invaluable resources in his signature.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

tigercat said:


> LOL i got the funniest news earlier while snooping on her facebook. She had messaged the OM to please talk to her that she was only into him, there was no one else!!! "I sware to god there is no one else!!!"


You're printing all of this and saving it for the divorce proceedings, right? You do know there will be divorce proceedings, don't you?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start exposing her to friends and family

hell, I'd even let OM know that she is on dating sites


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tigercat,

You`re making horribly huge mistakes here man.

Just because one foundation of your life may be gone (Your wife) is no reason to just let the rest of them rot away (House, credit, financial security).

Open a new bank account in only your name.
Move back into your house start paying the bills.
Give your wife no financial aid whatsoever.
Start the 180.
Have her served divorce papers.
State your boundaries (No OM, full transparency,)
Police her actions(Keylogger, phone records,)
If she wishes to reconcile and accept your boundaries work on the marriage.
If she doesn`t wish to reconcile file the D papers, split your life and move on.

You`re screwing yourself at the moment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tigercat said:


> that_girl.....just curious as to how these people think...what was he using the money for? the cocaine? ....i'm pretty sure she doesn't do drugs but the way shes been acting , never know....she was never one to gamble..i didn't see her come home with anything new


The coke, the parties...who knows.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Tigercat,
> 
> You`re making horribly huge mistakes here man.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Take your life back, man.


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