# Controlling husband?



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

So I've written here before about my husband's control issues. This morning, I thought I was going to come unglued. I bit my tongue...

He was ironing his clothes and I was getting our son ready for school. He started the pancakes for our son and I told him I would get the rest. He first told me that he didn't like the socks I put on our son. Then, He thought the second pair I picked didn't cover his ankle enough (uniform). So I changed it. Then I came down to get the pancake and started cutting it on the cutting board. He walked up and hovered over my shoulder as if he didn't like how I cut it up and said "ahhhh you got that????". 

I said YES! 

Geez. Isn't that more than normal?
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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why did you change your sons socks? If he didn't like it he could have gotten new ones for him.
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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Next time, " Really" ( do not change the socks ) or " I like these socks" or "what don't you like about them? " . Watching you cut a pancake, seriously ( ? ) -Controlling, yes.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Well he makes me feel like an idiot..: he thinks the socks I put on our son aren't good enough for unifor. 

As for the pancakes... He apologized... But I have no idea how or why that happened. 





CanadianGuy said:


> Next time, " Really" ( do not change the socks ) or " I like these socks" or "what don't you like about them? " . Watching you cut a pancake, seriously ( ? ) -Controlling, yes.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Well he makes me feel like an idiot..: he thinks the socks I put on our son aren't good enough for unifor.
> 
> As for the pancakes... He apologized... But I have no idea how or why that happened.
> 
> ...


What did you think about the socks? Good enough or not?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He sounds a little clingy and smothering, but that's not the same as controlling, in my opinion. This example doesn't strike me as controlling.

Why did you choose to accommodate his egregious requests? He does seem to be trying to dominate the space by making his preferences the dominant ones, but you're not speaking up for yourself. You could have said that you were okay with your son's socks, but if he was interested in changing them, he could have change them himself. Instead, you behaved as if he needed to be pleased immediately and jumped through hoops to change the boy's socks not once but twice. When he hovered about the pancakes, you didn't just offer to step aside and have him do it himself or ask him to stop dictating and give you some space because you had it under control (you could do this gently).

What would happen if you resisted? If you objected or disagreed? If you simply chose not to change based on his mood? Do you guys fight horribly? Does he have a nasty temper? Does he yell at you or get violent or shut down emotionally or manipulate you? 

I'm just trying to understand why you are enabling him to dominate you. Are you a people pleaser or is he a bit of a bully, or both?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Well he makes me feel like an idiot..: he thinks the socks I put on our son aren't good enough for unifor.


How does he "make" you "feel like an idiot"? Does he put you down or insult you for your choice? Or, are you feeling foolish simply because he has criticized and disagreed with your choice? 

Can you please expand on this? 

If you're not speaking up about the problem and breeding resentment instead of communicating, then it won't get better. You are in charge of your feelings and you are in charge of expressing what you will and won't tolerate. I think you should read up a little about boundaries and healthy ways to reinforce them, as well as ways to communicate about differences of opinion....maybe that would help a little?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I know this is a ridiculous example, but last night I bathed our son and put him to bed with clean underwear and PJs. This morning my husband was mad because I didn't make sure he had different underwear on. I told him it was fine for today because we woke up late. He shook his head at me as if I was crazy. 




moxy said:


> How does he "make" you "feel like an idiot"? Does he put you down or insult you for your choice? Or, are you feeling foolish simply because he has criticized and disagreed with your choice?
> 
> Can you please expand on this?
> 
> If you're not speaking up about the problem and breeding resentment instead of communicating, then it won't get better. You are in charge of your feelings and you are in charge of expressing what you will and won't tolerate. I think you should read up a little about boundaries and healthy ways to reinforce them, as well as ways to communicate about differences of opinion....maybe that would help a little?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Socks and Pancakes? Im not sure if your husband is controlling but he sounds a little OCD. There are much bigger things to worry about every day. Let your boy decide what to wear to school. My boys wear the lowest socks available. It doesn't mean a thing. Tell him to get a life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Agree that this sounds more like a touch of OCD than controlling behavior. If so, your H will be aware of his compulsions & will occasionally apologize or try to check himself.

Compassion, patience, and therapy help a lot for OCD, if that's what you're dealing with.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

But this is him. This is what I deal with ... Day in and day out. And honestly I've become so accustomed to it... It takes a lot for me to realize how crazy it is. 

I don't know what to do about it because HE won't change. I know this. It's up to me to learn how to react and deal with it. . 




Enginerd said:


> Socks and Pancakes? Im not sure if your husband is controlling but he sounds a little OCD. There are much bigger things to worry about every day. Let your boy decide what to wear to school. My boys wear the lowest socks available. It doesn't mean a thing. Tell him to get a life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> But this is him. This is what I deal with ... Day in and day out. And honestly I've become so accustomed to it... It takes a lot for me to realize how crazy it is.
> 
> I don't know what to do about it because HE won't change. I know this. It's up to me to learn how to react and deal with it. .
> 
> ...


If he is diagnosed with OCD, though, there is actual therapy out there that can help him with his behavior. It can also help the people who love him learn how to respond to him so that their lives improve.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> If he is diagnosed with OCD, though, there is actual therapy out there that can help him with his behavior. It can also help the people who love him learn how to respond to him so that their lives improve.


...might be a little bit of adhd mixed in with this also....


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

He refuses therapy for this. I've tried. He went to a therapist and he was completely resistant. 





oneMOreguy said:


> ...might be a little bit of adhd mixed in with this also....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

But was he in therapy for OCD or for being controlling. There's a HUGE difference both in the issue as well as the therapy.

OCD is a really tough disease because many times people just get labeled "neatfreak" "controlling" "perfectionist" when in reality they don't WANT to be that way but can't help themselves. Everyone has SOME kind of OCD in them, with me it's picture frames...I know silly, but I HAVE to straighten them out. If they're crooked, I need to straighten them. I've been in a strangers house at a party and leaned against the wall to fix a picture frame while trying to avoid being seen because of how stupid it is.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I tend to straighten the stacks of magazines in doctor offices...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> But was he in therapy for OCD or for being controlling. There's a HUGE difference both in the issue as well as the therapy.
> 
> OCD is a really tough disease because many times people just get labeled "neatfreak" "controlling" "perfectionist" when in reality they don't WANT to be that way but can't help themselves. Everyone has SOME kind of OCD in them, with me it's picture frames...I know silly, but I HAVE to straighten them out. If they're crooked, I need to straighten them. I've been in a strangers house at a party and leaned against the wall to fix a picture frame while trying to avoid being seen because of how stupid it is.


Agree completely. Also with the intersection of other issues like ADHD that oneMOreguy refers to. These diagnoses are usu. difficult and not straightforward, since they are not definitively understood.

With the magnitude of OCD that needs treatment, though, the behavior rules the person's life to his/her detriment in a material way. And, of course, the loved ones are ruled by it, too, in many ways. There is tremendous frustration and targeted coping on all fronts.

Don't know the degree to which your H is behaving this way - certainly, enough to drive you nuts - but whether it's OCD or not is for a professional to determine. If he won't be diagnosed, perhaps you can seek your own professional help to ease the effects on you. (Sorry if you've already mentioned this in the thread. If so, apologize for missing it.)


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

ConcernedinMO said:


> He was ironing his clothes and I was getting our son ready for school. He started the pancakes for our son and I told him I would get the rest. He first told me that he didn't like the socks I put on our son. Then, He thought the second pair I picked didn't cover his ankle enough (uniform). So I changed it. Then I came down to get the pancake and started cutting it on the cutting board. He walked up and hovered over my shoulder as if he didn't like how I cut it up and said "ahhhh you got that????".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doesn't sound controlling to me but it sure does sound annoying


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wouldn't change a thing. If he has a problem with how I did something, I'd tell him flatly...'YOU are more than welcome to change it. I think it's fine', and then go about my business.

The pancake thing? 'You want to do it? Here you go'... (knife gets placed down on the cutting board and I float away to make myself a cup of coffee and sit down)

He sounds like he doesn't have enough to do, so I would help him with that.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Being criticized about cutting pancakes? I'd feel like an idiot too! Sometimes my boyfriend makes me feel like a total dumbbell but there are things I'm better at than he is, so when he makes ME feel like an idiot, I just wait for my chance. Then I nod, smile, raise an eyebrow and go "REVENGE AT LAST" inside.

Advice? "Don't like the socks? Change them. By the way your shirt looks like ****, so change that too."


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> I wouldn't change a thing. If he has a problem with how I did something, I'd tell him flatly...'YOU are more than welcome to change it. I think it's fine', and then go about my business.
> 
> The pancake thing? 'You want to do it? Here you go'... (knife gets placed down on the cutting board and I float away to make myself a cup of coffee and sit down)
> 
> He sounds like he doesn't have enough to do, so I would help him with that.



:iagree:
By doing the above I believe you will get rid of your feeling of being controlled by him, whether or not he is controlling, has OCD or whatever.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

dormant said:


> I tend to straighten the stacks of magazines in doctor offices...



Magazines in doctors offices scare me to death. Think about how many sick people touch those things


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