# what to tell kids ?



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I am really bothered by what I tell my children .

Brief summary . It is not affair cheating but financial cheating by my ex H and physical abuse which was witnessed by my children 3 times . The last time was my my last straw and after much consideration and delay and separation , I filed . divorce is over and financial fights are still ongoing . He lied and still lying about financial issues. He constantly get into debts over his and his parents and his sisters shopping and spending . or maybe for another woman I don't know about although I suspected no OW .

Anyway , I told kids the truth without specifying the details and amount of money . My kids are 8 and 10 and pretty smart kids . They do ask and they saw the father hit me and heard the shouts so they roughly know the storyline . They just wanted know more details and I answered them .

Going forward a little , I had to explain that the father is not sending money over while he splurge on himself and on Saturday access on them as he is trying to buy their favour . While I am saving and living simple life ( which is pretty decent as I do have a decent income ) as I had to carry the entire financial burden at home , he is living it up and showing the good life to the kids on Saturday , while he is in debt . Until court order is finalized , I cant bring him to court for no support .

I do tell my kids his life style is wrong n not real . I really don't want my kids to grow up like him . 

sometimes I wonder if I am wrong . but I believe the truth is better . at times , my son will wonder if not for them , if I would then not have money issues and burden . so I have to explain that I have no issues supporting and feeding my children and that is my duty but it was the father's fault and the in laws's fault wrt money . I teach them to be more mindful of expenditure .


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My father was terrible with money and on many occasions we stopped at my grandparents to borrow money. My mother on the other hand was very good with money, and taught me to save. She taught me the value of money, the value of having savings. We are teaching our kids to save, and both love to take my change and put it in their piggy banks!! I would continue to teach them the way you are, teach them how hard it is to live without much money. Do they get an allowance? That would be a perfect way to show them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

They get daily money allowance n they save up the small change for a sweet drink once a week . I am a healthy food person so sweet drinks is an indulgence for once a while treat .

They get stars ( 1 star = $10 ) for good academic performance which they had painstakingly earned n instead of buying their own toys , they had lovingly bought me beautiful dresses for mother's day n birthday :-D 

I think money wise they have learn to be like me .

However , everytime the father splurge while not sending money over . I had to "educate" them which means i had to mention the father is wrong . Eg , the past Saturday , he splurge $1000 over 3 skateboards for my 2 boys n himself n paid skateboard lessons n restaurants bills inclusive of 2 jugs of margaritas for himself n told my kids to try !!!!! 8 n 10 years old margaritas !!!! I flipped . 

So i had to talk about him splurging money , alcohol is wrong , a father not sending money to feed children is wrong as a father ...............blah blah blah 

I hate " the talk" 


But my opinion is that if they cant have a good father example to follow then it's important that they knew a bad example of what not to do .


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## Malini Bhatia (Aug 6, 2015)

I believe it is not a very good practice to tell kids of how bad their father was. Whatever it may be, don't badmouth your husband. You can choose to divorce or separate, that is between you and your husband. As for what you need to tell your kids, well, you just need to share good values and inculcate good practices that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. This could be specific financial guidance such as learning the importance of money, saving every month, not spending on useless things, etc. Of course while doing all this, keep in mind not to overdo it as well - when the occasion calls for it, then do make it a point to spend and celebrate too. That way the kids will learn how to balance things well. Hope this helps.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

First, do you have a support agreement, in writing? You need this to protect yourself. If he's spending the money splurging the kids on junk, then claiming he can't he send money for food he is not supporting the kids. In all states, the non-custodial parent provides cash to the custodial. If he wants to spend additional money on junk, well that's his call and there will be nothing you can do about that. I venture to say the difference in beliefs led to the break-up and its something you are going to have to come to terms with. It's hard, but that is one of those things you no longer have control over.

Encouraging kids to drink alcohol is flat out wrong-and should be brought to the court's attention.

It might be easier on the kids if you say that you and their father have different values when it comes to things like money and alcohol, then just handling it however you want in your home. Ignore what he does with them on his time. You cannot stop him.
But most definitely get a support order.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Not difference in beliefs directly . He financially abused me to pay for the family while he indulges himself n his parents n his sisters . He used me to pay his debts over their indulgences . Last is he hits me n in front of kids .

Not much choice left when kids witnessed n asked questions so the truth is told .

Court ordered interim support but he defaulted . Waiting for final orders so legal actions can be taken


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Exactly . He can do what he wants with the extras . Point is he doesnt send a cent over while he live it up during access days n maybe even while on his own .

N surprisingly two different counselors and a lawyer gf all said the kids should know the truth . Unlike the advice posted here .

Alcohol brought up to court . He even drove after alcohol n once ran past a red light , my kids in car .


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am all for telling the kids the truth. They've seen him hit you, so they already know what he's like when he doesn't get his way. 

I am also suggesting there are ways to phrase the truth. Since your ex is already dangerous, the last thing you should have to be subjected to is a charge of parental alienation by him for bad-talking him in front of the kids. That's why the suggestion of "different values" 

I don't know what financial abuse is that you are referring to (other than having to deal with my own deadbeat ex). Are you saying he supported his parents and sibling instead of you and the kids? in addition to?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Financial abuse - for years , he pays 20% bills , i pay 80% . Early years , i made more n he was out of job for a while so i kept quiet . After that , he made more while i made lesser , n i still pay 80% despite my pleas n talk n later my quarrels .

On top of that , many times , he gets into big debts i dont know how but he blames it on his parents n sisters when he begged me to help . After my help , WTF , he said the debt was due to "my overspending n my kids" which is nonsense as i already said he paid 20% bill . The sense of betrayal is great . I rather wish he had cheated with a woman n leave me with my money to feed my kids . 

So in net position including debts i paid for him , i fed myself kids n even him n his family plus their ridiculous indulgences .

Sometimes i wonder if there's a woman . It doesnt matter now .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I try to phrase properly . But no matter how i phrase , he can attack if he wants to . He already did . 

Once my younger boy innocently asked him to pay mummy money so that we dont need to move to a smaller place . He added on his own not to see him if otherwise as he was lashing out on his father as he's upset with the planned house move . 

The a** then filed complain that i "extorted" him . 

All these while he doesnt pay support ! 

Another time my kids had exams n agreed with me that they shouldn't see him so to revise for exams for those 2-3 weeks . They informed him . He shot me letters every week accusing me of forcing kids not to see him ! My lawyers replied once n told me to ignore after that . 

He doesnt want to call the house phone n got the kids a hp !!!! The kids lose it or use it for games n doesn't call or text him (they have written him off ) n he accused me of hiding phone and sending text like "boys i know you want to call me but mommy hid the phone" "disallowed" "forcibly deprived" you .

He's mad . He cant realise he "lost" the kids . C'mn the kids saw him hit me ! The last time was bad . They treated him different after each time . Even as toddlers , they never ran to him when he comes home . But they did for me , with hugs n kisses . N my ex then accused me of "bad upbringing " of the kids !!!!!??? WTF . He's supposed to be the man of the house . N he held no responsibilities for anything . i had told him then he needed to review himself n respect n love is earned . He had said in our quarrels , respect me like king , like the man of house . Ha , i told him then if he had been born into royalty family , there will be unrest n coup in that country . Wondered if hes narcissitic .

Had to explain to my kids to be careful what they say . But they said they didnt say anything at all . So now their reply to anything to do with me is "i don't know anything" .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tripad said:


> I am really bothered by what I tell my children .
> 
> Brief summary . It is not affair cheating but financial cheating by my ex H and physical abuse which was witnessed by my children 3 times . The last time was my my last straw and after much consideration and delay and separation , I filed . divorce is over and financial fights are still ongoing . He lied and still lying about financial issues. He constantly get into debts over his and his parents and his sisters shopping and spending . or maybe for another woman I don't know about although I suspected no OW .
> 
> ...


Your a right. Truth is better.

Especially when they already know what they know.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

tripad,

When I divorced my abusive exH, he said to me out loud: "I will not pay you one red cent until the court forces me" and he didn't. Like you, the temporary orders told him to pay a couple hundred in child support per month, and he defaulted. Instead, he took the kids to DisneyLand and bought them things while I struggled to pay for our rent and feed them! 

I spoke to my kids about it. They were about the same age as your kids, and I did tell them the truth, BUT... I kept it on me and how I felt and what I thought/believed, rather than talking about their dad and his choices because I can't speak for him. I told them that I felt so bad that I would work and work and work, but all I could afford was our house and food...and I told them I wished I could buy them cool stuff like their dad did, and it hurt me that I couldn't afford it...and I told them that I believed in being responsible with money and paying something that I owed because it was like a promise and I believed in keeping my promises...and I told them that they should know that court told their dad to pay but he was choosing to not do that so that meant I was sort of stuck looking like a "meanie." 

Here's what came out of the mouths of my kids--who were just CHILDREN: "Mom, do you honestly think we don't know who really takes care of us? Sure, Dad buys us stuff and of course we like it--who wouldn't?--but you give us a HOME, and feed us and help us with homework. You're with us and want us every single day. He just comes in and buys us something every now and then. We know. "

So for you, tripad, I recommend that you do the same thing. Do not bad-mouth their dad, even if it is the truth, because that puts the focus of your talk on "him" and you are saying "He did ___" and "He thinks we ___" and you can't speak for him! Plus, he is their father is a part of THEM and always will be in their life! Instead, I suggest that you tell them the truth and keep the focus on YOU and what you THINK and what you FEEL and what you BELIEVE. Neither you or your kids can make their father be a good parent or make him pay his child support--the courts can do that! But you can be honest with them and tell them how his behavior makes you feel and how it differs from what you believe. Use "I Statements" instead of "He this ..." and "He that..." 

Finally, I realize that English may not be your first language, so if this doesn't make sense, just let me know and I'll see if I can explain it better.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

AC 

English is first language . Thanks .

My kids said similar touching stuff like "i'm so proud you are my mom , single mum n providing us the same life same food n didnt let us suffer one bit " "mum , don't need to bring us to restaurant like dad , cheap is good , with him we just do as we wish " n they thanked me for even a cheap meal i brought them out to . 

They know .

I try to be careful with what i say .

Admittedly n sadly , i failed at times . Then i had to cry n bang my head on wall ( figuratively) and then apologised to my boys .


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, you needn't tell the kids anything as it greatly appears that they already are pretty competent witnesses to all of the sordid proceedings that have been going on around them!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Talking abt this n now i just woke up crying in my dream , a nightmare abt him n his family "robbing" me . SIgh .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> tripad,
> 
> When I divorced my abusive exH, he said to me out loud: "I will not pay you one red cent until the court forces me" and he didn't. Like you, the temporary orders told him to pay a couple hundred in child support per month, and he defaulted. Instead, he took the kids to DisneyLand and bought them things while I struggled to pay for our rent and feed them!
> 
> ...


Yup

I work so hard n said no to many things to my kids i feel bad 

Thank god they appreciated me n understood


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tripad said:


> They get daily money allowance n they save up the small change for a sweet drink once a week . I am a healthy food person so sweet drinks is an indulgence for once a while treat .
> 
> They get stars ( 1 star = $10 ) for good academic performance which they had painstakingly earned n instead of buying their own toys , they had lovingly bought me beautiful dresses for mother's day n birthday :-D
> 
> ...


Your kids sound well adjusted and well brought up to me (buying dresses for their mummy) . I think you are on the right path. They are still young and by the time they are teenagers, this may not be such a problem as hopefully your financials with your XH will be sorted.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

aine said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > They get daily money allowance n they save up the small change for a sweet drink once a week . I am a healthy food person so sweet drinks is an indulgence for once a while treat .
> ...


You brought tears to my eyes . To hear my kids are well adjusted . My financial is alright as i earn decent income . It's just that my ex ripped my savings empty paying his debts n now he tries to fight for our home unremorsefully . Without care if my kids n i have a roof over our heads .


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

tripad said:


> You brought tears to my eyes . To hear my kids are well adjusted . My financial is alright as i earn decent income . It's just that my ex ripped my savings empty paying his debts n now he tries to fight for our home unremorsefully .


I do know exactly how that feels! Remember, you are being a good parent and taking care of your children.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I know i am .

Sometimes i am just so tired .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your kids need to know the truth. I raised my DD24 with logic. Meaning, in any given situation, I would give her the truth, and then I'd ask her what she thinks the right solution is. I helped her learn to understand her own beliefs about things. But I of course also told her what MY opinion is. She's turned out to believe pretty much everything I do. And doesn't even realize she got it from me, lol. 

So when they come home with a new skateboard, congratulate them on getting it, but then ask them to think about what it means that he's not supporting their food, shelter, clothes and school needs, but is willing to buy them things. Ask them how they feel when they give someone ELSE something - they feel good, don't they? So ask them to imagine why their dad is buying them things like this, when he isn't willing to help raise them. Let them come to their own conclusions. Just get them started thinking. Don't badmouth their dad, just ask them to put themselves in his position, and in your position, and in their own position. They're old enough to start seeing the truth in this.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

kids in such situations grow up overnight .

In the past , I stayed on in the marriage , hoping things will change , hoping to shelter my kids from the truth . My ex just took me for granted and just got worse . When I do leave , he accused me of adultery and breaking up the family and depriving my kids of a complete family . 

They know . I wanted to buy them their necessities like a broken school shoe and their suggestions will be let me get dad to buy it so to save your money since he is not paying for other things .

Much as I appreciate their thoughtfulness towards me , it pains me inside that my boys were just innocent children jumping and hopping in toy stores "harassing" me for the latest toys , just a few moons ago .

They have lost their innocence . very sad for me . They are like little adults now , especially the older boy , only 10 . Scr*w the dad .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

actually i cant understand why a man wont feed at least the kids , biological kids !

even if you have a pet dog , you would feed the dog , isn't it ? What more your children ?

what kind of man ? Is my ex a man ?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Aftercare
> Here's what came out of the mouths of my kids--who were just CHILDREN: "Mom, do you honestly think we don't know who really takes care of us? Sure, Dad buys us stuff and of course we like it--who wouldn't?--but you give us a HOME, and feed us and help us with homework. You're with us and want us every single day. He just comes in and buys us something every now and then. We know. "





> By Tripad
> My kids said similar touching stuff like "i'm so proud you are my mom , single mum n providing us the same life same food n didnt let us suffer one bit " "mum , don't need to bring us to restaurant like dad , cheap is good , with him we just do as we wish " n they thanked me for even a cheap meal i brought them out to .


*“Out of the mouths of babes and children” your praises have been spoken by your children.*


Children know who really loves them and in the future even the Santa Clause gift tricks from their father will not work anymore. *Aftercare and Tripad have lost financial support but they have the love and respect of their most valuable possessions that will last a life time*.

Tripad, I can understand your disgust with your cop-out husband. You are made to suffer for his selfishness but that adds a lot of credibility to you as you are suffering yet still have your children’s best interest at heart; *that is one of the true tests of real love.*


Strive to forgive your husband so that you do not have strong negative emotions (resentments, hate, bitterness, etc.)* because that will help YOU and YOUR CHILDREN*. I know that is a tall order and very hard to do but get help with that if you have to. 

Remember, forgiveness does not mean that you take him back or try to stop any of his self-imposed consequences IMO. One of those self-imposed consequences that he has made come true is that your children’s heart is melted into yours more than his, in fact, it maybe that they will not have much affection for him at all. That was the case of my father as his father was just another man but he adored his mother all his life.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Ah , forgiveness .............

My ex used it on me each time I am angry that he made me pay for his debts or when he hit me .

trust me , it is on my mind too , that I should , one day perhaps , for my own n for my children's development . 

not now when he is still screwing me through and through in court over the financials and our home .

when he is remorseful , it would be easier . but he is not showing any . counsellor said he doesnt have remorse in him .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is probably mentally ill. That's not an excuse. It is a reason to distance yourself and your children from him as much as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Counsellor said he has personality disorder . 1) To get into debt repeatedly with no fear 2) most man would appreciate the wife bailing him out just once n never dare but he did it repeatedly n yet blame me 3) no remorse n empathy what my kids n i went through 4) hit me in front of kids after i bail him .

But he looks normal . Works n functions normally to the outside world . Though he likes to always think and say his job is in crisis mode often


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H has a personality disorder. When we left our last house (because he had pissed off my stepmother so much that she turned him in to CPS and started a rumor about him, causing us to be basically run out of town) 12 years ago, I couldn't get him to finish fixing up the house to sell. And he wouldn't let me put it up for sale before he finished. So we had two mortgages and two sets of taxes, utilities and insurance. *FOR FOUR YEARS*. To this day, when I watch a show on HGTV and they moan about having to pay two mortgages for a MONTH, I get a sick feeling.

Anyway, he wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't listen to ANYTHING - he simply didn't feel like dealing with it, he was depressed about all the rumors, yada yada yada. He racked up $50,000 in bills in those four years (before I took over paying the bills). And to this day, he refuses to acknowledge that what he did was irresponsible and harmful.

He also blames me for all our money problems. And his job is always in crisis. I used to think his mom was nuts because every job she had, she decided all the people were talking about her and pushing her out the door; she kept quitting. Now I'm watching him play out the same scenario - 6 jobs in the last 8 years; and it's always someone else's fault.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

turnera said:


> Anyway, he wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't listen to ANYTHING - he simply didn't feel like dealing with it, he was depressed about all the rumors, yada yada yada. He racked up $50,000 in bills in those four years (before I took over paying the bills). And to this day, he refuses to acknowledge that what he did was irresponsible and harmful.
> 
> He also blames me for all the money problems ............ and it's always someone else's fault.


These are all so familiar

Tunera

Seriously what's the disorder ? Did you ever found out ? I never got to find out . But initially it wasnt like that .

Counselor told me it's hidden from me so i spent many years waiting for the man i thought i married to come back .

Sometimes he will give you a glimpse of that old personality to give you hope so you will stay , i was told .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yup his whole family is the same !!!!


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

slept four hours to prepare for my work . then saturday was work from 9 to 9 back to back , without lunch and dinner , except the few bites/ biscuits I can get hold of , so that I can rush home to meet kids back from access .

returning home , feeling tired and thinking how pissed I am with my ex , and my two very sweet boys rushed about pouring me water and warming the half a burger my dear child saved from his dinner out with his father . They have developed this routine of saving me portions of their meals out with the father , bluffing him that they wanted to save half the portion for supper thus not letting him wolfed it down . Just to save for me ! :x


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

tripad said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > Anyway, he wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't listen to ANYTHING - he simply didn't feel like dealing with it, he was depressed about all the rumors, yada yada yada. He racked up $50,000 in bills in those four years (before I took over paying the bills). And to this day, he refuses to acknowledge that what he did was irresponsible and harmful.
> ...



Tunera ? 

Did u ever get a diagnosis on what is his disorder ?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, although our MC (also my IC) said it's likely he has either NPD or BPD. His mom almost certainly has schizophrenia; she'd tell us her neighbors were sending their roaches over to her house, and were spying on her. Our DD24, who is a psych grad student, has told me that he is BPD.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Tunera

Did you ask yourself why on earth did you marry him ? 

I ask that .

My kids ask me that .

My kids why didnt i leave after the first time he made me pay his debts , the first time he hit me , the first time .....

In the beginning he was not like that ...... Till i love him ........then i wonder where that man went .......... Ok maybe he has a problem a debt ..........he blame his parents ......... I thot i helped n that man will come back ............ Yes ........for a while weeks or months ........then again ........n again ........till i realise it's a cycle ......... Then kids came n i waited again ...........n another kid ........n waited .........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People change. When we're young, we don't know any better. At first, we haven't seen what's coming. I never expected to be guilted to lose my family and friends. Or be questioned about why I couldn't go grocery shopping on my lunch break instead of after work, which cuts into my time with him. Or the passive aggressiveness. It builds up, you become more and more unhappy but don't know why, you believe him when he tells you it's all YOUR fault, you buck up and just take it...until finally you wonder why you're putting up with so much and you do something about it.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

My kids just told me that my ex denies taking my money when he took them out yesterday .

Liar . 

That's what he's doing now in court . He lied he didnt owe me money . That he signed the IOU because i threatened to cut his penis with a knife . He lied those debts i paid was my debts .

I am now proving and fighting that now .

Previously he admitted n promised to pay back during counselling .

Why do people change their words n lie n lie ?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

turnera said:


> People change. When we're young, we don't know any better. At first, we haven't seen what's coming. I never expected to be guilted to lose my family and friends. Or be questioned about why I couldn't go grocery shopping on my lunch break instead of after work, which cuts into my time with him. Or the passive aggressiveness. It builds up, you become more and more unhappy but don't know why, you believe him when he tells you it's all YOUR fault, you buck up and just take it...until finally you wonder why you're putting up with so much and you do something about it.


Ya . It just grow n grow n you keep trying n trying hoping things will improve n that man you knew comes back into the stranger sleeping next to you .

Then my counsellor said to me this . This stranger next to me is actually the real thing . The man you knew was a fake front that he put up .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

N i ask my children does he pray n say grace before food .

My kids said yes but they didn't wait nor bother n just eat as they said god wont be listening to him since he cheated my money.

Why act pious n prayerful while he cheats my money n not pay support ? 

I can understand a robber is bad n he robs .

I cant understand my ex n his family who calls out to god 24x7 church leaders but cheats me n lie n jeer n sniggle at me when i ask why they did that n break my family .


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