# Is he looking for a reason to leave or am I pushing him away?



## bfpengi (Aug 16, 2007)

I love my husband. We have only been married about a year and we only knew each other a year before that, but I know that I have found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I feel secure in our relationship there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep us together. There is no one in the world I would rather be with. When my husband cares about me, he is the most wonderful man in existance. 

Sometimes when I get upset I babble and vent about a million different things all scattered and twisted together that sometimes I don't make sense to myself. He has the uncanny ability to weed out what I'm saying, by the tone in my voice, by whether I'm angry, insecure, hurt or just plain sad. There are times when being upset means going into complete silence. When that happens he has the patience to coax me out of my cave and even hear all the stuff I'm saying with my silence. When he sees me starting to get insecure over anything, he nips it in the bud, doesn't even give me a chance to get started. Shows me how everything is black and white to him and that I never have to worry about his choices.

My husband and I are currently separated. I gave him divorce papers and he agreed to never ever seeing me again.

So where did it all go wrong?

My husband and I had a minor fight where some hurtful things were said on both sides. In the two years that we've known each other, I have never, ever restricted him from seeing his friends, no matter who that friend was. I have never guilted him or nagged him into changing his relationships. I have always trusted him to make the right choices and even though he has some really shady characters as friends he has always chosen right over wrong. 

My husband took me to a party where the line-up wasn't made too clear to me. I'm not a very social person and I usually reserve social activities for people I actually enjoy being around. Well, I realized to late that I had been talked into hanging out with the people I despised the most. The men are all cheating on their wives and the women are plastic fake still stuck in the popularity contests of their Junior High days. So, I left and I asked him to call me when he was through (we only have one car). He asked me why I had gotten so upset and I said that I wished he had let me know what kind of party this was going to be because I would have just let him go by himself. He started accusing me of controlling who he hangs out with. I told him that he had heard me wrong, that I never said he wasn't allowed to hang out with these people, but I myself would rather stick to people I enjoy the company of... so next time go by yourself. I then said, "I do have the concern, though, that if you hang out with them too much they might rub off on you." This is where he blew up. I was apparently attacking his strength in character and his ability to choose right from wrong. I tried to calm him down and assured him that I did trust his strength in character, that is why I have never ever restricted his social interactions in the two years he's known me. I challanged him to name one time that I ever controlled his social life and he admitted that there were none. But he couldn't get off that I apparently was trying to now. It didn't matter what I said at this point. All he heard was "I hate your friends. You can't see them anymore. You are weak. You are going to cheat on me." None of which I said. 

I was so hurt by his words that my next communication to him was in a letter because I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. The letter stated how hurt I was by his accusations and why. We had been a little shaky over the last few weeks and I've been feeling like he's been trying to push my buttons or push me away. I vented a little anger and then I finished with how much I loved him and how I was going to do everything in my power to get us through this because staying together was my top priority. I then said I needed him to let me know that he felt the same way, to let me know quickly and then after, if we needed, we could take some space to calm down and figure things out.

He played video games and watched tv the rest of the night and then fell asleep in the other room without saying a word to me. The next day was more ignoring... until I snapped. I wrote him a letter that started out with how much I loved him, how staying together was never even a choice in my mind and I was flabbergasted as to why it was taking him so long to decide that that was what he wanted as well. I told him that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had to think about whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship with me. It was suppose to be a no brainer question and if he really did have to think about it, I would make it easy on him and he could just leave.

All he heard was "Just leave" and he left. He was still stuck on the fact that I didn't trust him, that I thought he was a cheater (I never, never said this!) and that he was weak. He then did the most hurtful thing of all. He said "YOUR daughter wants to know if your coming back for her" (I had taken the dog for a walk) like he wasn't going to be a babysitter anymore. This is the man my 6 year old has been calling "Dad" for over a year. It was like he not only hurt me, but he now just crapped all over his relationship with the girl he had been calling his daughter for over a year. I lost it. As he packed his bags to leave me, I filled out divorce papers. He's crying (I'm not going to lie. I got REALLY mean) while he's packing. He's saying that I'm the one making him go, but when I say, then show me you want to stay. Do something, ANYTHING that shows me how much you want to stay. All he does is pack and leave while pointing the finger at me for sabbotaging the relationship.

I can't help but think he's been wanting to leave and he can't handle being the bad guy. He made me out to be the bad guy so he doesn't feel guilty for leaving. He keeps saying that he never wanted this that he NEVER even considered divorce. That I was the one that brought it up. But I keep saying, then SHOW ME and he just tucks his tail and says that I've just hurt him too much.

Was he looking for excuses to leave or did I really push him away?


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## deidre (Aug 17, 2007)

Hi,

I think that he could have been looking for excuses to leave...Men are confused creatures and sometimes want one thing but they do something else.I find that my husband say's one thing and does the complete opposite I too have been in the same type of situation and I packed my things to leave because just as you said I couldn't bring myself to speak to him....He convinced me to say and promised to work it all out....Well I have been praying for us and our family and that's the only true advice I can give....

Good luck


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