# It has begun



## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

I have been reading these forums ever since the BD. W seems to have all the classic symptoms of a WAW/MLC. She gave me the ILYBINILWY last February and the following April I discovered she was having an EA with a co-worker for 3 months prior and BD came shortly after that. As far as I know she is still in contact with him and for all I know it has progressed to or was a PA (I have stopped snooping). 

I convinced her to go one MC session in May and she couldn’t keep NC with posOM for more than a week. In counseling she professed that they are soul mates and she never loved me as much as she loves him now. He is married with 2 kids. At that point I knew she couldn’t commit to MC and I asked her to leave as I won’t have an open M. I went dark as of 5 weeks ago. We are unofficially separated and she is living at her sister’s house 45 minutes away. She comes and goes to our house freely to be with the kids although will not stay over and spends as little time there when I am home. 

Going dark and 180 seems to be the only thing that has diffused the situation and made it easier for me to cope. W maintains that she just “doesn’t feel it” as far as being in love with me and that love is just something that happens (just like her affair). She doesn’t believe that love is a product of cause and effect and that there could be any hope for us and R. I admit that I contributed to the erosion of our marriage. We never really argued and when we did it was never productive. Up until 2 years ago we seemed to have a “bullet proof” marriage that was on auto-pilot and we took it for granted. I had a particularly stressful job for the last 2 years (have since gotten into a much better job) and was withdrawn and depressed and not there emotionally for her. She had withdrawn into texting and social media and began having more and more outings with friends from work. 

She seems determined to bring us to divorce and has been laying plans to move into a rented house in September in another town. Her intent in all this was to make it as amicable a split as possible through mediation and just continue to be great co-parents as we live separate lives. I am having problems ending this amicably and I still am extremely bitter and angry. I decided I needed a lawyer because how can one negotiate in good faith with someone who has violated the most sacred of covenants? I filed for divorce this week and she will be served on Saturday. 

It will be a tough weekend as I am sure it will illicit a hostile response from her after she learns I am seeking physical custody with her getting 3 weekends a month and 1 Wednesday night dinner a week. It will also be tough for me because this is the first step for it truly ending as I see no hope for the R given her stubborn fog. It just seems so surreal it is happening. We have 2 kids S 14, D 11. We have been married 17 years and known each other close to 30. I can't believe the person she has become. She is so selfish and emotionally bankrupt. She gave us no chance. 

I have learned a lot from this site and will be posting often as I go through this process and I sure could use some support. Thanks in advance.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you exposed the affair to his wife?

Have you exposed the affair to their workplace?

Have you exposed their disgusting behavior to friends and family?


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

I exposed the affair to his wife but she seems to be a sweet but weak individual who is just living with posOM extra-curriculars. She is also stuck because she is a SAHM with no family in the area. I even emailed posOM to man up and do the right thing and focus on his own M but his response was it "just happened" and it was up to my W. 

I exposed the affair to all of our friends and with the exception of some other divorcees (who unconditionally support her) she has alienated all of our long term friends and just doesn't care. She says they are awful for "choosing sides".

Her extended family knows but also unbelievably unconditionally supports her. 

Affair is just beginning to be exposed in workplace via gossip.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do the exposure officially.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

W maintains that she just “doesn’t feel it” as far as being in love with me and that love is just something that happens (just like her affair). She doesn’t believe that love is a product of cause and effect and that there could be any hope for us and R. I admit that I contributed to the erosion of our marriage. We never really argued and when we did it was never productive. Up until 2 years ago we seemed to have a “bullet proof” marriage 

sorry to hear this...i can feel pain through your words. i believe she had the affair as an excuse to fill a void she has had for awhile. she knew that affair wasn't going to work, the guys married. Well she also checked out when you checked out when your job was stressful. she says love was a product of cause and effect, her loved may have started to die then and since you were already having a hard time she said nothing...going into social media was an escape. She is letting separating from you by moving out so she doesn't have to watch you hurting.

getting a lawyer and filing divorce is your way of responding to how much it hurts. take it one step at a time. our anger fuels us to make haste decisions. We regret it later. not telling you to stay not telling you to go,,,just slow down. your answers will come in time.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Stay the course you have set out for yourself. Whatever happens make sure you are focused on you and your future.

I am in disbelief of the wife of the POSOM. She must have less self-esteem than a corpse.

I think that whole triangle is bizarre and I would call it the Utah Syndrome. That is going to fall apart much to your enjoyment.

Good luck friend your situation really sucks.

I do not have children but it seems to me that the kids should be taught that the mother's actions are reprehensible and should not be emulated.

Stretch


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If his wife doen't appear to care, this I have to wonder how many other women is he seeing at the same time?


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Thanks to all who have responded. 

Pepsi - I am thinking the D will take some time in my state likely close to a year and I don't know how long I will be able to go on holding out hope. I will be 45 by the time D is finalized and will need to reboot my life and put this behind me. I think a year will be plenty of time to hold out for any chance of R before it goes final and even past that my state has a 90 day waiting period as to when it truly becomes final. She has shown no signs of giving us a chance. I was doing positive 180's since she first gave me ILYBNILWY speech and even after learning of the A. She even said at one point "I know you have shown signs of change - that's what makes this so hard". As time went on she detached even more and even seemed to reject any kindness I could show her. 

Warlock - How would you suggest I officially expose it at her workplace?

I hope the posOM will show his true colors to my W before it is too late.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

One more point to Pepsi - while I was "was withdrawn and depressed and not there emotionally for her" I certainly was not holed up in a dark room wearing my bathrobe (although I have found myself there once or twice since BD ). I had my good days and bad days. From any outside observer and even those couples and families we were close to I was a great husband and dad and our marriage seemed solid. While her family supports her they can't believe she is doing this and still consider me family. People and marriages go through up's and downs - and isn't that what for better for worse is about? I think she has rewrote history and focuses on the negatives to justify her affair. While I accept some responsibility it wasn't all that bad. Since when is asking for a divorce the first move? Didn't she owe our kids the chance to save our M and try MCing?


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## meandhim (Aug 15, 2013)

I know you are hurt and are hoping that what you do will have her running back to you but exposing her is NOT the answer. Just speaking from experience my husband cheated amongst other things on my and for three years I protected his image because he was my husband and the father of my son. I could have made him out to be the worst person in the world but I didn't. We eventually separated and everyone eventually found out why and he began dragging my name through the mud in everyone he could. After a few months of separation I started communicating with my ex and he made it his top priority to expose that to my family and friends. By him doing this I instantly knew that I couldn't not be with anyone who would purposely expose me make themselves look/feel better or make me come back to them. That is not love. Also, even though you don't approve of what she is doing that is still your kids mother. Let them decide for themselves how to view her. Don't help them by exposing what she did. A child's mind can not handle that. They will only that think "I have a messed up family". Preserve their innocence. 

If she wants to be with him...let her. You don't want anyone who doesn't want you. If the only way she comes back is because he decides he doesn't want her then you still shouldn't want her because you are an option.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

meandhim - Thanks for the insight. Much of the "exposure" to our close friends (I have no family in the area) came as a result of me crashing and them trying to pick me up - it tends to all come out when you are that distraught. She even confided in some of our mutual female friends that it was just a "strong friendship" and she has been "unhappy" for a year - so it's not exactly her fault. W has a hard time acknowledging or being accountable for EA. I have kept it from from our acquaintances in town so I am trying to take the high road. I am not sure how it is being exposed at her work. 

She is not very smart or careful about it. I found the 100's of txt msgs and hours of phone calls on the phone bill. Unfortunately S 14 is aware of it and has saw the posOM come up on her Facebook account. Again she is not very smart or careful so she didn't logout and S saw it. He knows why Mom needed to get her own phone. He is 14 and he won't accept that "this is a mommy and daddy problem and that we will love him no matter what and everything will be OK". He knows things will never be the same and knows exactly whose fault it is. He harbors a lot of resentment toward her.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

i agree with dormant, how many women has he been with? 
and i agree with meandhim, exposing her and taking this to her job is not the answer, think of it this way, if you get custody she pays child support, she needs her job to pay it....so with that said, you have a long road ahead like you pointed out and a year for R is enough time, any more than that is too much. you will know when you know that it's time for you to move on. You will feel a peace in your heart that the decision to stay or go is a good one. work on the lesson your children will be learning from this, believe it or not you are their role models, they are watching it all. My daughter shared with me (she's 19) that she thought i would not find us a place to live and i would go back to my H. I didn't know that she had lost trust in me to make a healthy decision for us both. 
And your right asking for a divorce shouldn't be the first choice...go for MC at lest to get it all out in the open..stay positive.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm sorry you are have to go through this torment, but you sound like a strong man. It is admirable the way you are protecting your children. I know it doesn't seem like it, but her moving out of your home and leaving the children with you was a blessing. The court's consider that abandonment. Should help your custody case as the court's usually lean toward keeping the children's lives as normal as possible. Hang in there. You deserve better. The pain will lessen, you will heal and at some point in the future, you will find someone who loves you the way a good man deserves to be loved.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Well she was served on the divorce complaint today. Only response from her via text was whether she could take one of the coffee pots. I guess she really wants this and doesn't care - oh well...

I said I want a complete list of what she would like to take and I will not do this in one-offs. She became frustrated and said it was just a coffee pot. I kindly reminded her that she owes me $750 for a well pump and septic inspection and that a $100 coffee pot just adds to it. I also reminded her that nothing should leave the house until the divorce is final. Her reponse "Fine I'll get my own coffee pot". I am not allowed to change the locks so I will be taking a video of all the furnishings today. 

I don't know why but after my attorney called to let me know she had been served my hands started shaking and I felt like I was punched in the stomach. Why do I feel this way? Why would I want someone back who has done this to me and our family? 

The real fireworks will start once she finds out I am seeking physical custody Tues or Weds.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

I feel your pain man, I have been run over again and again and again, finally had enough and we both said we were done, but now that she knows I am serious, she is back pedaling, but also being nasty one minute and saying it's the right thing and then super nice the next, saying she is not even sure if this is what she wants, but I said I am sure.
Then she gets nasty and the alimony thing comes out and everyting else. 
She says I didn't give her enough of a chance to fix things, I have been telling her what I needed for years and it was always well I need this in order to provide that, and so I would do those things and get nothing in return or I would for a week then back to the norm. 

I am done. It hurts, I will be 40, time to start over. She is all over the place, she is scared, she has nothing, I already lost everything but now she is losing her slave.
Time to rebuild, I still get weak moments when I feel maybe we should try but then she says something nasty, and it just re-affirms my decision. Granted I am only a week in to seperation and I still have a long way to go.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

wakeupcall- how sad, she is so uncaring. you emotionally prepared yourself for her being shocked and sorry. unfortunately you got the opposite. forge forward and stay strong....fake it till you make it. It's good you will list all items in the home, written or video. Things could get ugly. don't be surprised if she doesn't give a hoot about the custody issue either...

Corso-stand firm, I have 9 days left before being able to file. you be surprised how fast a year goes. she will try a lot of R as you do your war of the $$$$$. I had my friends remind me of what STBEXH did to me to keep me focused as to why I left him in the first place...a better day is coming. A better you is growing. hang on tight.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Well I saw the final on the motion for temporary orders. Lawyer should put it in the mail to her this afternoon. In the meantime stbxW sent me this in email:

_These are the items of ours I would like to have now:_

_Tv from the play room that's in S's room--there are 4 tv's in the house and I am asking for 1. Kids need a tv as they will be spending half the time with me. It's obvious you will still have the larger one, plus the 2 small ones. 

Small computer you had gotten for S that no one is using-- the kids need a computer for school. You have the expensive new one. I will have to buy a printer. 

Cuisinart coffee maker- we have 2 and I am giving you the kerig which costs more. 

Faux leather storage ottoman in the playroom.- 

These are not unreasonable requests as I am entitled to half of our belongings that I am not even asking for. These are just a few things I need now. Giving me these things does not disrupt your household in any way.

I'd appreciate a response soon.
Mrs. WakeUpCall_

I am not sure what to do. Part of me wants me to tell her that she will have to wait until the D is finalized (Ironic that she needs a TV since she bought one for the posOM). Part of me wants to give her only the stuff for the kids who will likely be spending some time at her new rental house. Of course she still is unaware of the TO's coming down and my intention to seek full physical custody with her providing child support. According to my parenting plan it will be a 60/40 split in my favor with the kids with me on all school nights with a Wed dinner for her and 3 weekends a month for her. 

In the end the material possessions and furnishings of the household may be split because if the judge does not rule for me on child support we will have to sell the house. 

I definitely will not respond until she receives notice of the temporary orders I guess then I'll see how she reacts. Pretty cold so far. Never thought I would be in this place...


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

I can see giving her things for the kids so they have their own stuff like TV in their room. I also agree to not responding right now since it will illicit a fight. Waiting for the full aftermath once the TO's are served is wise. nothing needs to be rushed however a more careful plan for the well being of the children is best. 
I'm sure you also, don't appreciate being ordered around by STBEXW. In my opinion no comments or back and forth's until all orders are served. if anything needs to be said, tell her you will abide by whatever the judge orders but not until then, period!


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

It's a reasonable list, I'd go with it. It will be nice to have some peace and quiet before it gets ugly when you drop the custody bomb. Are you going to seek child support and spousal support as well?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> It's a reasonable list, I'd go with it. It will be nice to have some peace and quiet before it gets ugly when you drop the custody bomb. Are you going to seek child support and spousal support as well?


 I agree with BrockLanders. It's reasonable but I would let her know that she could have had a new TV if she didn't give it to the OMPOS. Go watch his TV.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Yesterday turned out to be an eventful day. I worked from home to be on time for my IC session and she showed up to continue to pack her personal items. 

We had some back and forth on how I had "failed" in the relationship that I was angry and how I am handling this divorce just cements that in her mind. She pointed to small moments in time where I may have had a bad day or been frustrated but to pin this divorce on me because of that without trying to fix our relationship is irresponsible as a parent. Again I came back to the affair and how her involvement with posOM and detachment had sabotaged any chance for reconciliation. Interesting how when she points out my faults she gives me no chance to defend myself or allow for the dicussion to progess to anything productive. 

I also had the wedding albums, pictures and any family pictures with her in it on the table and told I would be getting rid of them unless she took them. She said "well that's a little drastic" and packed them in her car. If our marriage is so terrible and I am so awful why would she want to keep them? I know myself if she does take us to divorce it will be all I can do to forget about this sham of 17 years. 

She threw a parenting schedule in front of me for September and she said that she was planning her work schedule around it. I told her that I was not comfortable with agreeing to it and had my own ideas on the parenting plan. She asked what I meant by that and I told her my attorney and I had already filed a motion for temporary orders today that would have them at the family residence on school nights with liberal visitation for her (3 weekends a month and Wed night dinner). I also informed her that I would need to seek child support to sustain the family home. She went ballistic. Told me that I am not "going to take her kids away" followed by some other choice words. I think I finally saw some cracks in the armor. She began crying in the most anguished way and said I was trying to crush her not allowing her to take furnishings from the home, making her pay child support and "taking the kids". She said that I couldn't possibly love her to treat her this way. She drove away bawling. Funny that is what I have thought about her over the last few months toward me. She has been so cold-hearted with no remorse whatsoever. 

This morning she emailed me some other requests for parenting schedule over the next 2 weeks to which I agreed. I have still not answered her on the items she wants from the home. There was a childcare issue this morning with my daughter and taking my son to a sports tryout. I told here she needed to come home to be with Dd. We texted this exchange

WakeUpCall: "Are you coming home to be with Dd this morning? I have an important meeting at 11"

stbxW: "I went to work with no sleep last night - Not that u care". 

WakeUpCall: "I do care - Always have. You can sleep here. I will leave a 10 minutes before you get here" 

stbxW: "does all understanding go out the window now?"

WakeUpCall: " I am not sure what you mean by that. I will never be able to understand your decision. I am sorry you don't understand how I could feel this way" 

Despite all she has done to me I still feel guilt by how distraught this had made her. Maybe I haven't detached enough. Is she showing signs of coming out the fog with the realization that this fantasy divorce may not be all she thought it would be? That their are real grown-up consequences for her decisions? Is she responding to my assertiveness on how I see custody and property division should be. She continues to villify me. Is hate an emotion closer to love than indiffference?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

WakeUp,

First of all, let me say thanks for showing us all how to grow a pair. You are like a super hero in dealing with the X.

I am sorry you have to go through this and for whatever it is worth, I am inspired by your strong handling of your X. Acting one way when your heart wants you to be another is so very difficult and you are kickin' ass and takin' names.

Wouldn't alternating weeks for taking care of the kids provide a little more continuity for them instead of switching a coupe of times within a week? Just a thought.

Call me out if you need some moral support friend. I will return the favor for your strong example of taking on the future.

Regards,
Stretch


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Wakeupcall, you need to continue with the way you are handling things. I know it is difficult to see your wife break down, but try to remember what she did to you and your kids. She needs to realize that she brought all this on herself. You are simply protecting yourself and your children. Nobody likes to suffer the consequences of our actions, but we all have to. Your wife is no different. Don't back down to her.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

She thought you'd roll over and give her 100% of what she wants.

She'd live happily ever after with the OM and have the children 99% of the time and you? Agreeable and Cooperative and a babysitter when her and the OM are vacationing. 

She's starting to wake up from the dream-state she has been in and is seeing the reality of her situation and how you are reacting to it.

You aren't rolling over and playing fetch like a good doggy.

She ain't liking it.

Good for you.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Stretch thanks for the kind words - really pumped me up. Super hero hardly. I am just using all the collective knowledge and experience from this site and others like it. You were in early on my thread and I appreciate it. Not sure what your sitch is but from what I have seen from your posts you aren't many degrees off from my mindset.

karole and Iver - Yep need to keep remembering that


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

She received the motion for temporary orders Friday. I received an angry phone call from her. She flipped out on the proposed child support number and the schedule. She told me that she was going to move back in the finished basement. She is so delusional; insisting that we had talked about 50/50 custody (which we NEVER did) again somehow her internal dialogue is her reality. 

She implied that I was not "keeping my word" on custody and I reminded her that she did not keep her word when we tried marriage couseling or on our marriage vows for that matter. 

She arrived with a couple enabler girfriends on Saturday morning and began moving in some of the new furniture she had purchased for the new rental. I didn't lift a finger to help them. I overheard her cancel her new cable installation. So I guess she will be here for the duration until we sell the house and make the D final. She has made it clear that she doesn't "want to argue anymore" translation: no talk of her indiscretions or talk of R. 

So now we are back in limbo. She will not use the master bath and tries to act like a house guest. Asking me if it OK if she takes another lamp downstairs or can she put these groceries away. She will not stay in the living room with the family and retreats to the basement as soon as meals are done. It is so bizarre. 

Also texted me on the way home from the beach last night with the kids and that she was bringing home dinner. At 9:30 p.m. she told me that she was going to visit an enabler friend (another WAW) who was having a crisis moment with her boyfriend almost like she was asking permission or over-explaining. (Could be a bold face lie) I told her that she is not required to tell me where she goes or when she will be back. 

I am not sure how to proceed now. I really cannot comfortably pay the mortgage on my house myself and we have 15K in repairs that need to be done before we can even begin to sell. I am still going to go forth with the divorce proceedings and hopefully I can sort out this house problem before then.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you ok with her eating with you and the kids?


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Conrad - I am not sure how I feel about this. Having kids really complicates matters. Trying to find the balance for some civility and yet detaching with 180s is tough. The kids find comfort in it but I know at some level she is cake-eating.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WakeUpCall said:


> Conrad - I am not sure how I feel about this. Having kids really complicates matters. Trying to find the balance for some civility and yet detaching with 180s is tough. The kids find comfort in it but I know at some level she is cake-eating.


I would tell her I'm not ok with it.

She's either in or she's out.

Write out a visitation schedule and put it in front of her.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Has she seen an attorney? My bet would be that she has. She was most likely told to move back in the house as her moving out could be viewed as abandonment by the court.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

karole said:


> Has she seen an attorney? My bet would be that she has. She was most likely told to move back in the house as her moving out could be viewed as abandonment by the court.


:iagree:


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

well clearly she was counting on your money to sustain her, (living expenses and rental) Boy was she shocked. She resents haveing to crawl back to YOUR place. which clearly she doesn't see as OUR place and didn't after she showed her A** and made plans for her own pad. Well ain't KARMA a B**ch. any way hats off to you. Your holding steady and needed to be comended.

As for her acting they way she is now that she is in the basement she is showing some signs of respect, go with it, it is what you deserve RESPECT. hang tight, the ride gets wild from here.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Was she planning on living with the OM? Is that still on-going?


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Iver - She was not intending on moving in with OM and I have no idea if it is still going on. I am not snooping and trying not to care. She will not talk about anything except if it has to do with kids.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

So she has retained counsel as expected. I saw her counterclaim. I guess I should not be surprised that it was a pack of lies. She claims that she objected to my taking a new job in April with a 10% decrease in pay and that I did this to sandbag my earnings in prep for divorce. When actually the discussion was around how stressful my job was and hopefully we can work on our marriage once I get out of my old job. Furthermore I did not learn of the affair until after I accepted the job and I have been the only one advocating for R until she decided to sign a lease. All she is trying to do is reduce her child support payments if it comes to that. 

She also contends that I am trying to alienate her with the children by making disparaging remarks. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Like I said my S14 is old enough to form his own opinions. I have never said anything negative about her to the kids. Have I been sad in front of the children because of what she has done? Yes. Have I gone out of my way to defend her? No. But repairing her relationship with the children is her problem.

She is also forcing a conveyance of the house to be maintained by one of us or for it to be sold. There is a 15K septic system issue and the house can not be sold or mortgage refinanced until that is fixed. I'll be d*mned before I pay one red cent of those repairs to facilitate this D. 

So now I am stuck in limbo. I can't stand to look at her never mind being civil to her and co-parenting. I hate her so much for doing this to our family. I am really having problems with it. Can't sleep, stopped working out and starting smoking. I guess I am falling down on my 180s.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oof, that is rough. Just remember her behavior is about her - it's not really about you. Stick to your 180 (and stop smoking!) - it will help with the stress, not to mention setting a good example for your kids.

*hugs*

You WILL get through this, and you'll be better for it.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

I recommend a visit with your G.P. 

He can get you something to help you sleep which will make a huge difference in how you feel.

Anti-Anxiety medication exists for a reason as well. Discuss this with your doctor to see what he recommends.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I have found Chantix to be very effective in breaking the tobacco addiction.

Beware that you should be in the right frame of mind, no depression and prepare yourself for some very weird dreams.

I scared the hell out of my girlfriend when I started speaking tongues in my sleep when it was not part of my normal sleeping habit.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If you really want to quit smoking, I strongly recommend The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allan Carr:

Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Smoking: Allen Carr: 9780615482156: Amazon.com: Books

Worst that happens is you read it and you don't quit, and then you can try Chantix. Best case scenario? You quit, without speaking in tongues


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

...give up smoking for working out....reasons: you will look fabulous and attract positivity, keeping up your health is needed for the long road ahead. It gets you out of the house and gives you YOU time away from her. And lastly don't give her ammunition to use against you. She may accuse you of causing the children to become sick from second hand smoke. 
In any regards, your doing the best you can with what's going on. take up walks or jogging as well. works wonders for the heart. you share a home with her but not your heart, don't let her take that too. Start mending it and getting it healed for you. Be Blessed.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

So a lot has transpired since my last post... She has moved back in to the finished basement. We have had some civil and borderline pleasant discussions since she moved back although the emotions are still very raw. She was none too happy on being forced to move back (on the advice of her attorney). She wasted 2k on painters for the rented house she will not be occupying and is on the hook to find new renters. 

We had a court date scheduled for last Friday. Thursday night prior I asked her point blank if this is what she wanted. She unequivocally said “yes”, no chance for MC or any more time to think about things and slow down the process. 

So we went to court Friday. Oddly my vehicle was in the shop so we ended up driving to court together in complete silence. Funny the songs that will come on the radio during awkward times : “Rolling In The Deep (We could’ve had it all)” by Adele; “With or Without you” – U2, “Because you loved me” – Celine Dion which she promptly changed station - I know it was a song that she related to me in better times. 

We had a meeting with our attorneys and each other present in a small room to hash out some of the details of the temporary orders. Custody was no longer an issue since she moved back in but we decided to settle on a weekend schedule where each parent is primarily responsible for alternating weekends. I have no idea where she is at mentally and if she is going to act like she is no longer married I don’t want to be on the hook for babysitting so she can go out and party. 

Very unusual dynamic during this meeting. First of all her attorney and mine (both who happen to be women) were very pro-marriage. Her attorney even went as far to say that this seems like a shame and it has moved very quickly to filing for divorce. Both attorneys were suggesting we seek marriage counseling in the interim. I agreed that it was moving too fast but I have not been given a choice and I was receptive to MC all along. She did not say anything pro-M or MC during the meeting. 

We settled on the financials essentially agreeing to split the household expenses evenly. 

Then we discussed holidays. Since I have no family in the area I expressed that I have no intention on leaving the house for the holidays and that if she wished to celebrate the holidays separately she would have to go to her families’ residences. This is where it got even stranger… She basically said we should continue to celebrate the holidays as we always do with her family coming to our house on Christmas and going to her nephew’s for Thanksgiving. We agreed that we would do that.

I made one more point that if she continued her relationship with OM or acted like she was not married during this time that I would find this an untenable situation and felt that it would be an unhealthy environment for the children. Her attorney piped in and said that Mrs. WakeUpCall wished to tell me that she has ceased any emotional relationship with OM and that there never was a physical one. She does not intend to engage in any other relations at this time and hope I would do the same during this period while we are in the house together. (Why couldn’t she tell me this herself?!?) 

So we have a pre-trial date of Feb. 25th where our divorce can be finalized. In the meantime we have to get our septic system fixed and put our house up for sale and decide who is going to have to leave. I am not sure how all THAT is going to happen in that time. I don’t plan on doing any of that leg work. 

We drove home together in silence. I guess I felt good about it. I was happy that her attorney was a voice of reason and I am hoping it will be food for thought for W. The frustrating thing is that she is still in the basement , she acts like a visitor in our own home, we have no physical contact or intimacy and only talk about day-to day household things and the kids. She seems to very much overshare with me where she is going and what she is doing. She even skipped a party on Saturday night to stay home. 

Going back to believing half of what they do and none of what they say. My gut tells me that she wants me to try to win her back but I know if a press too hard or go too fast she will reject me. She has done nothing to express desire in working on M and has shown no remorse. Is she cake-eating? Is she trying to slowly come back? Does she have to prove how terrible it was/is to justify her actions? I do want to save our marriage but I know the wrong approach will send her running. I feel like I am trying to feed the skittish squirrel. Do I ask her on a date? Do I 180 and go dark? Just did 3 months of going dark and not sure it mattered. I do not want to play these games!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

WakeUpCall said:


> She does not intend to engage in any other relations at this time and hope I would do the same during this period while we are in the house together. (Why couldn’t she tell me this herself?!?)


I found this interesting. That plus she is telling you what she is doing and where she is going. My initial impression is that she is playing a bit of a wait-and-see game with you. Your response to file rocked her.

Time to implement a MAP if you think you may want to try and R. Limit the 180 and start showing her a happy, confident man. Someone she is attracted to. Might include going out one night a week, don't tell her where you are going, dress well but come home at a reasonable hour. Be a little mysterious. Take on some chores that you have been putting off and just be the man around the house. 

Have you cleared up the depression issues? Anything else that may have contributed to the problems in the M? Take care of them. And stop smoking. 

Give it a few weeks of cordial behavior and if you think she is receptive and you are willing, maybe ask her out. 

Is there any way to find out whether she is still in contact with the OM?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tron said:


> I found this interesting. That plus she is telling you what she is doing and where she is going. My initial impression is that she is playing a bit of a wait-and-see game with you. Your response to file rocked her.
> 
> Time to implement a MAP if you think you may want to try and R. Limit the 180 and start showing her a happy, confident man. Someone she is attracted to. Might include going out one night a week, don't tell her where you are going, dress well but come home at a reasonable hour. Be a little mysterious. Take on some chores that you have been putting off and just be the man around the house.
> 
> ...


Stranger things have happened. Why not?


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Tron - No way I can verfiy NC with OM and have to assume contact. She still works overnights with him although he is in another dept. in a medium sized hospital setting. I know exposure at work made her very uncomfortable. 

Depression is gone - new job has helped with that of course there is this pesky imminent divorce thing that isn't very pleasant .

Smoking is interesting - we have both started smoking (while apart) and actually shared a a few smoke breaks together "hiding" from the children and it was actually kind of fun and we laughed about it. In a way it has been something we can come together on. Although we both discussed quitting last night as there are road races we want to do next month.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

WakeUpCall said:


> Smoking is interesting - we have both started smoking (while apart) and actually shared a a few smoke breaks together "hiding" from the children and it was actually kind of fun and we laughed about it. In a way it has been something we can come together on. Although we both discussed quitting last night as there are road races we want to do next month.




I hate to tell someone to keep smoking, but... On the one hand it seems to be creating opportunities to talk and laugh. On the other, if you are both serious about quitting then it can represent something you guys can do together...

Tough call there.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

wow, what an interesting turn of events....Do you still love her? are you in love with her? can you trust again as you did before knowing there was infidelity, (even if she says there was no physical contact) will the past stay in the past if you both decided to go forward together? If your responses are clear without benefit of the doubt, a strong YES then try to save this marriage...BUT I must insist on Marriage Counseling together. No exceptions! just my opinion. Be blessed.


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Pepsi -Yes I absolutely still love her. I don't know if I could trust her. I know I would need her to get a new job. A.) because he works there and B.) This 3rd shift was/is killing our marriage. I know we would have to commit to marriage counseling. I think then I could move past it. But I don't feel that she is willing to do any of that. Heck she hasn't even shown any remorse to this point. I think I would need to understand how she could devalue our marriage so much and choose divorce w/o MC as a first option.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

WakeUpCall,

It seems to me that you could use the forseeable future to get yourself right with the infidelity and how to build trust. You have a lot of healing to do.

I think you should let the D go through and see if the STBXW changes her mind just before or after at some point. You can always remarry and treat it as a new relationship. By doing it this way you have a chance to be able to trust in any relationship in the future and you will be moving forward towards your future with or without the ex.

Let me just say that my hope is that you are able to work things out even though my post may say the opposite. You appear to have a better shot than so many of us here.

Good luck friend,
Stretch


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did her affair even end ? 

Did you expose them at work place ?(if you have the proof ie)

If the OM is married, did you tell his wife ?

Did you read any books ?

Begging her to reconcile is the last thing you would want to do at this stage of your relationship. You are making a lot of mistakes going about this.


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