# Hypothetical Situation (Although I'm sure its real for some)



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Just wanted thoughts on this. Lets say you are in a relationship, maybe even long term. You are a compassionate person who can show empathy. You are able to put yourself in another persons shoes and be able to least see their view, or possibly how they are feeling on certain things. 

Lets say the person you are involved with, is unable, or even incapable of showing empathy, they can not at least see where you are coming from and your point of view on things, and can not understand your feelings on certain things because they can't put them selves in your shoes. 

Is this a relationship that can survive?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I would think it would come down whether that empathetic person could live without that trait in his/her partner, and whether the non-empathetic person could enthusiastically commit to meet stated needs of his/her partner without really understanding the reasons why it was needed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Lets say the person you are involved with, is unable, or even incapable of showing empathy, they can not at least see where you are coming from and your point of view on things, and can not understand your feelings on certain things because they can't put them selves in your shoes.
> 
> Is this a relationship that can survive?


Not for me. In fact, no empathy is a dealbreaker for me.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would think its a basic human need or desire to want another person to understand us and our feelings, especially
from someone who we love and claims to love us. 
If you"re involved with someone who can't provide some kind of understanding of another human beings feelings,
then no, not sure it would work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It will never be a close intimate relationship. It will be full of wtf moments when the other person does something thoughtless. You'll be thinking "I would never do that!". 

I don't think it would be a happy successful long term relationship.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

In my opinion, what Thor said is right on the money. 

I'm actually in this hypothetical situation. In the beginning, his thoughtlessness and cynical viewpoints didn't bother me. I thought I could deal with it. Now, a year later, not so much. 

My final straw was when my house was broken into recently. I was standing in my kitchen on broken glass from the sliding door and I was sobbing. He just stood there. Staring at me. It was his friend that came over and wrapped his arms around me when I was about to fall to my knees. 

You either have empathy or you don't. And he doesn't. I don't believe it is a trait that can be taught.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

*Lets say the person you are involved with, is unable, or even incapable of showing empathy...*

OK... we just went beyond my ability to say 'what if'. Cant imagine my being involved at that point.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Not for me. In fact, no empathy is a dealbreaker for me.


Empathy and sensitivity can make for some great sex.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Empathy and sensitivity can make for some great sex.


So can make up sex after fighting about why the other is such an insensitive pr*ck!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Been there, done that, divorced him. Later learned that lack of empathy in his case is called "narcissistic personality disorder" and the official diagnosis put our entire relationship in perspective.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Been there, done that, divorced him. Later learned that lack of empathy in his case is called "narcissistic personality disorder" and the official diagnosis put our entire relationship in perspective.


This one was consumed in how things around him affected him only, did not even begin to think about how he affected you or your needs?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

treyvion said:


> This one was consumed in how things around him affected him only, did not even begin to think about how he affected you or your needs?


What needs? (I jest.) He made buying decisions and if I expressed concern for our finances I got a lecture about risk vs. reward. He never got me a present that meant anything to me and often forgot special days or celebrated them in ways that pleased HIM; I know a lot of guys aren't savvy to that so I overlooked it. He never cared if he made me late for work - if he wanted morning sex, that was more important. He was late to everything and did not care about being considerate of other people and he constantly criticized everyone who didn't cater to his whims. One time I was vomiting and after I washed my face/used mouthwash he asked if I wanted to F***. How I felt was of no concern.

He was the friendliest guy at the bar, the life of the party, a witty conversationalist and well traveled and educated. You could ignore his boasting at first because it was disguised as interesting stories but if you knew him long enough you'd sense a trend. 

In the end he was an arrogant POS living a shell of a life to impress people who were easily impressed. He always hung around people that made him look good - big fish/small pond.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Empathy and sensitivity can make for some great sex.


Not for me. It is not a turn on. It's a turn OFF. I don't want to share my bed with a jerk. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> Been there, done that, divorced him.


:rofl:


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Being married to someone that I fully believe has NPD, it is EXTREMELY difficult at times. He does remember birthdays (probably only because mine is the day after his!) and our anniversary but I often feel he only does so because it is expected of him and not because it is heartfelt. My top love language is "words of affirmation" and in the 6+ years together, he has verbally told me that I am attractive THREE times, all under duress. Either from someone saying, "Wow, you look great! Doesn't she Mr. MHP?" and his response was "Yeah, she looks fine." or me breaking down crying because I feel unattractive and saying "I NEED you to tell me I'm attractive!" and he gets angry and yells, "OK. You're pretty! Is that what you want?" Anyway, point is, he knows what I need from him and is completely unwilling or incapable of giving it to me because he doesn't understand why it's important to me if it isn't to him. Sucks. But here I stay...

So no, it is not a complete deal breaker. Relationships like this can be toughed out and turn into long committed marriages.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You are describing my marriage! You can survive but not very happily, the emotional distance is too great and there become no connection with time.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think a relationship can survive just fine. My wife is the least empathetic person that I've ever met. I honestly have to tell her to apologize to her friends sometimes, because when they are going through life issues and talk to her about them she just "doesn't get it". She knows she is this way though so when people tell her she is being insensitive she is very apologetic. 

As far as I can tell her inability to emptathize doesn't affect how she feels about me emotionally or attraction wise. It does however mean that she is rarely if ever capable of seeing someone else's point of view. Suits me just fine since we have similar view points on everything. 

On those rare occasions when I have grief, doubts, or fears. She is absolutely the worst person to talk to because of her inability to empathize. But, on a positive note she becomes more physical during these times which in all honesty for my needs might be better than talking about it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think there are different reasons a person isn't empathetic - NPD was my ex's but it can be Aspberger's or sometimes someone who is just introverted and very intelligent who gets wrapped up in their thoughts. So it would depend on the reasons someone isn't empathetic and whether that can change or the spouse can tolerate it. For instance, an NPD is not capable of love whereas an Aspie is. 

Our desire for a partner is based on our need to be loved, understood and bond to another in a way no one else can. Seems lack of empathy could get in the way of that.


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