# Intro & why.



## foregone (Feb 13, 2015)

We both arrived at this marriage with very heavy baggage.

My mother was so against our wedding that she threatened to make sure my side of the aisle was empty. My brother T was so supportive that he stood up to her and said thanks for letting us know where to sit. 

His mother is as overbearing as mine. A little something we have in common.

I'm a survivor of all kinds of awful stuff. In my mid-20s I thought I'd recovered in general, life was going well and I'd left all of it and all those feelings in my past. I had a bit of an anxiety disorder. I was successful at work and was a homeowner at 28. I had built a good life but had nobody to share it with.

Only to realize in marriage everything gets dug up again. In the form of, lots of little things he does, like cornering me in a room by blocking the door, makes me feel cornered, threatened, unsafe. Any kind of anger he displays sends me into panic mode. But I didn't have any problems like this in previous relationships; nobody had ever moved in with me before so I never felt so trapped. And my previous relationships all seemed to have a lot more trust than this one, so the same blocking moves wouldn't seem so threatening.

He is incredibly manipulative and controlling, in a passive aggressive way. I didn't see it, I have a blind spot to it. He's never hit me.

Mom was always sure that he was marrying me for my money. Of course, Mom may be looking out for me but she's a source of most of my baggage. Her argument is that he must be marrying me for my money because nobody could love me as fat and ugly as I am. (nice, huh?) He said that he'd sign a prenup but somehow never got around to it. He said a lot of things that he hasn't done. He used a ruse to move in with me (a training program that cost the same as his rent for a year-- which he then didn't finish), then threatened suicide when I tried to break off the engagement.

I knew there were risks to our marriage lasting the lifetime you hope for, but I loved him enough to try. The sex wasn't great, and I didn't know that was important.

2 years ago we started therapy: his, hers, & ours. I was first diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder because I was so unhappy in marriage, I was told that he was emotionally abusive to me, then when I still didn't feel like leaving was the right thing, my diagnosis went to PTSD. Which makes sense for my ancient history. I felt like there were some small victories in couples, but the damage I'd already taken needed greater patching, and the divide was much wider than he could even understand. He can't even comprehend my goal of serenity and trust. He thought hurting me less every day than he had been should be recognized as an accomplishment.

I am 40 and he is 42 and we've been married 5 years. We have no kids and 4 pets, two cats and two dogs. (I had dogs and he had cats; one of my dogs died and we adopted one about 16 months ago)

Last June, he was informed that his job would be going away in October. That job was eating him up, he was working weekends and evenings. He didn't really set any boundaries. I hoped he would find something better.

Why did he work so hard at his job and always only do the minimum possible for his marriage?

We laid out a plan together. Our marriage was already in trouble, and I warned him I did not think it could survive a stress of this magnitude. The goal is to make this a positive; get a better job, maybe if there's overlap of severance with new job pay we can get a nice vacation together and work on things.

He met no milestones on this plan. He didn't renegotiate or say it was too aggressive, he simply didn't do anything at all. This is a pattern that drove us into therapy-- he will promise anything to me when I'm confronting him, to make the confrontation stop; then he'll break all the promises he made. The next confrontation he'll turn everything back on me, I'm critical and unreasonable and my standards are too high.

When October came, I halted couples & my therapy. I could not afford to go further into debt with the income cut. All that therapy had been on my credit card. I made other cuts in my lifestyle; he made none in his. There have been a few self-care things we've both held onto. I feel like the only grown-up in the house, making hard choices.

In November he still didn't have a resume. The fact that he had done nothing to prevent the disaster of this unemployment period was beyond what my type A personality could handle. At this point, all milestones of our plan are obliterated and he's completely avoiding me. I declare a moratorium on gifts to each other; I know I would not react well to his overspending to appease me. 

At that time I was still talking in terms of "this is an action that builds trust" and "this is an action that tears down trust" so that he could regulate his own decisions accordingly. He continued to choose poorly and when I ask him about it he says "well I feel like I've already lost you."

In December I frittered away my annual leave at home, because I couldn't afford to take a vacation. Thanks to all this stress, I was ill for all of it. I even missed Christmas, because you can't visit my dad if you're sick; he's immunocompromised due to chemo. Dad had just had a bit of bad news and I didn't expect there to be a Christmas 2016 with him in it when I decided to sit out Christmas 2014.

Hubby had one interview in person in December, and one on the phone in January. I overheard the one in January. Long story short, he convinced me and the interviewer that he did not want that job. 

this is when i learned what it feels like for trust to cross below zero. 

Some of the sites that come up when you Google "is it time for divorce? can this marriage be saved" refer to a "snap line" that I didn't know if I'd crossed. I've been searching those terms for over 2 years. Now I know what the snap line looks like.

Instead of Mom always having been wrong about him, I've never been his meal ticket, he really loves me… I wonder exactly for how long have I been his meal ticket?

You go back in time and re-evaluate all your interactions with a lens of suspicion.

You no longer feel like all that threatening behavior was accidental, but that it was a deliberate means to control you all along. You start Googling "gaslighting" instead of "save my marriage".

Every fear, of being alone, of the i told you sos, of the shame of failure, falls away once you feel that you absolutely must get out.

You remember that one time he sexually assaulted you while you were drunk and laughed at your slurred objections. Then you remember how many times he put drinks in front of you to "try". Then you remember you didn't have a drinking problem at all before him, and how he's encouraged you not to think of it as a problem.

All of his innocent protestations of just not understanding people and situations and that's why he always triggers you-- seem odd in the face of his hobby of playing extremely complex games of strategy that were always over your head.

You re-think the stories he told of his "custody battle" with the ex-gf over the cats, and how he basically stole them from her and wound up with them. You wonder if he'll try to take away your dogs who are like your kids to you. One of our constant arguments was that he would constantly undermine their training. Or use a little too much force.

He is around me all the time since he lost his job. I work from home and he's home. I haven't even been able to make calls to lawyers, explaining to them that I need to make appointments via email only. I can't call friends and get perspective on this. I can't call anyone because he's 10 feet away and can hear everything. And his motives are… questionable.

When I let slip here on this forum that I'm planning a separation and haven't brought it to his attention yet, I was accused of having a "shelf plan"??? What is that, a Plan B? 

Are you kidding me? No, I want nothing to do with relationships until I spend a few years recovering and figuring out how this all happened to me. How my recovery in my 20s left such a gap for him to walk through. Sex with him has been fraught with his tantrums over his own non-performance, and even physical damage to my sensitive places. I've wanted little or none for years (not because low libido, but because he is not offering anything I want) and been getting it about 4x/year, so celibacy is a cakewalk. Emotional abuse is not grounds for divorce in my state so I'm looking at a 1 yr separation where relations with him would reset the clock and relations with anyone else would be adultery. Guess what, I'm completely okay with that. If he commits adultery it would be welcome news, would shorten my year to freedom & peace of mind.

So I'm at the point of consulting lawyers because I'd like to keep my house, my dogs, my car, and most of my money. Just the stuff I earned with my own income. So far I've learned that he has the legal right to fight for one dog, some of the home equity, some of my 401k & pension, enough of my money that it could force me to move. I could go after his stuff too, but half of nothing is nothing. Apparently in this state, the behaviors of being the biggest income contributor, and saving money and spending it on permanent assets are punished in these things (rather than blowing it on, say, eating out way too much, constantly overdrawing both your own and the joint account, which is what he did.) 

I haven't taken action to get him out because I need to maximize his willingness to settle for less than making me homeless, and that requires advice and planning.

I emailed some more lawyers since the first mtg was not a good match-- but they've not gotten back to me. I wonder how much the story "I cannot call you - my calls are monitored by him" sends them running?

So all that was the plan a week ago when I learned that my Dad's prognosis has been revised to about 6 months instead of 2 years.

I feel too depleted to even start on the grief. I am angry with hubby for causing me to be at such a low point when I need to be strong. I feel like every single trial over the last 8 months was preventable-- not by me but by him. And he chose at every point over that time not to work for himself or for us.

My dad was the rock in my life who made my mother's abuse survivable. My career is a follow in dad's footsteps. This event would wreck me if there was nothing else going on in my life. Part of why I rushed to marry was that I was afraid to be alone when this hit (the chemo was before the wedding). Now I'm worse than alone, and I blame the hubby for that.

My brothers have Dad issues. I'll be the only kid to miss him. Which means I always expected to be the one who's there for him emotionally during this time. Mom has limited emotional intelligence.

But I have nothing to give.

The bottle called, and I ignored it and started going to AA meetings.

That's all I got.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Hugs. I got nothing else. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Get a legal separation as of now. It is best to rip the band-aid and hurt all at once instead of prolonging the pain. You can start recovering faster. If you can somehow record his abusive behavior, it may play a role. Cancel all joint accounts, credit cards, and separate all other finances. From there, he will be responsible for half of all the bills, and mortgage. Keep all financial records and soon he will be the one owing you money from the legal separation.

As for your father, sad to say, but your not in a good place to provide any support. You need to get your life in order first. It happens, and this is something he may have to face alone.

Also, start changing your lifestyle to be healthier. It will increase your mood and help raise your esteem. Make the investments in yourself to succeed or have the probability of succeeding increase in what you want to obtain in life.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Give yourself credit for going to AA meetings. Given all you've been through, that's not a small accomplishment, that's HUGE and you should be proud of yourself for continuing to go, and for starting to address it. My heart aches for you. I hope that if you choose to continue not being in therapy, you'll check out local organizations for victims of sexual assault. You skim over your husband assaulting you, in a way that makes me concerned for you. It's the kind of thing that you need help dealing with, and there is absolutely no shame in that. I had a friend who experienced something similar and although it's not something you can ever erase, she said she found a lot of comfort in group therapy sessions, since she found a community of survivors who had been through the same kind of trauma and could understand what she was going through. If you choose to seek help, in a roundabout way it may help you begin to provide the help to your father just by being healthier in yourself.


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## foregone (Feb 13, 2015)

Thanks for the responses.

I apparently also glossed over what I was doing in terms of self-care, other than sobriety.

5 months ago I joined CoDA. A friend had recommended AA but "I didn't have a drinking problem," but I identified very much with the characteristics of codependency and I thought hubby did as well. But I didn't want him in the meetings with me because I thought I'd really censor myself. There are two local meetings, one of which I have an ongoing scheduling conflict with, and I suggested he could go to that one.

CoDA has been fantastic, I've really shared this whole journey with them.

Also, I walk every day with my awesome dogs. And I'm following a low carb diet to get my blood sugar and sugar cravings under control. I practice health at every size, so weight loss is not a driver, but I don't practice it well so I still feel good that I am losing some weight here. Having both stable blood sugar and sobriety are both making me feel really strong and healthy this year.

And I have been reaching out for lots of social outlets. I'm a member of several musical ... groups? circles? clubs? for a total of 10-12 nights a month. This month I've been more open about what's going on, and friends have been coming out to have dinner with me and talk. And I did reach out to my previous therapist to setup a few sessions to get through this tough time.

Also, I met with two other lawyers this week. I think I'm going to collect the records that I need to collect for safekeeping (house settlement papers, tax records) and a few items for safekeeping, and send them home with my parents... and then have The Talk with him. 

I think which lawyer fits our case best may be something I can determine only after talking with him. One of my choices is all-collaborative, all-the-way, and another is more open to start with drafting an agreement then see-how-it-goes.

I suggested that we schedule an appt with our former marriage counselor (who is now his individual therapist) so that The Talk is somewhat facilitated... she picked an awful time to be away for two weeks, because I think that very suggestion says to him that something's up. (I composed this right after that happened-- he seemed very down for about 2 hours and then the rest of the night and since acted like I'd said nothing. He may still think my appointments were medical.)

But I hope it also says that I plan to be compassionate about all this and ensure that he's getting the care that he needs to process through it.

And maybe I should retain the lawyer I am 95% sure I like best first anyway. (ms. see-how-it-goes)

I'm more relaxed because I'm not making time for more appts, and I know what I need to do prior to that talk, and it's just a matter of making it happen.


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