# I just don't know anymore



## marriedsahm (Oct 27, 2009)

I'm new to this so hopefully this post won't be too long...We've been together 12 years and married 5. I know I love my husband but I just dont know if we can be married anymore. I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids under 5 (a fulfilling but busy job). While my husband says he appreciates it, I find that hard to believe. I never really saw myself as the stay at home type (no offense to anyone). I just grew up always knowing I would have a career. Once we started having children (not totally planned) it was more beneficial for me to stay home rather than pay the daycare for such small children. We didnt really know anyone we could trust to care for our kids. Now, money is tight and I know he really really wants me to go back to work. I have grown to love being here for children and ensuring they are getting the best care. I am not totally opposed to working, just under the right circumstances(preferably at night). Meanwhile, he goes out of town to stay with family which I know isn't true because of the mileage on the vehicle. He says there is no one else but we have had infidelity problems before. I feel that when he feels alone he turns to others rather than talk to me. I know separating will rock my children's world but I just don't know what to do. We are more like roomies than spouses. I want to look into the eyes of someone that adores me.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's cheating. He wants you to go back to work...

If money is tight, and you divorce, he'll have to pay support and then what will he do? 

I would do what I could to find out more about this alleged infidelity. Keylog his computer. Put a GPS in his car. Check cell records.

Also, is it fair that he goes away and leaves you home with three young children? Tell him he can't go on these little trips anymore without taking you and the children. End of story.


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## fullofanger (Oct 24, 2009)

No one deserves to be cheated on. A real man would come out clean and try to work it out or he would be considerate and not waste your time. The children are small yes they will have questions but since you are obviously the primary parent they will probably not miss him much. 
I agree of you going back to work only if you can work around your husbands schedule so that you don't have to get a sitter(they are expensive for 3 children). I am in the same position as you. I want to go back to work but only if I leave my kids with my husband no one else.


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## marriedsahm (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks for the help....I have been there with the whole checking the cell records and confrontation it doesn't really help. I think he may be a real pathological liar because he will stick to his story til death even though he knows I know he's lying. I can't really see the point in getting a GPS and all that because he will still deny deny deny. I am just kinda spent on the whole thing. I really want him to just come out and be honest but he can't do that and I can't see myself in a marriage with someone who refuses to be honest even when his lie is staring him in the face. But on the other side I feel like I owe to the kids to try. He said he wants to try counseling but I don't see how he will be honest with a third party present if he can't be honest when it's just the two of us.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yeah if he can't open up to you what is the puropse of a MC. Talk to him and ask him what he thinks about the marriage. What his ssues are. What he wants to see improve. it's a start..


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## marriedsahm (Oct 27, 2009)

any additional advice it really helps to hear your opinions...thanks


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## marriedsahm (Oct 27, 2009)

When I talk to him about the marriage and what his issues are he says he feels alone and that the stress of being the sole provider is too much for him. He feels as though if I go back to work, all our problems will be solved. I told him I am willing to go back to work and put the kids in daycare even if it only helps a tiny bit. Thats's my part but his part is to open up and tell me the truth. So I asked again "You wanna tell me the truth?" Yet he continues to stick to his story. I'm like with all that we have been through, we pretty much grew up together (been together since high school), I would expect a little more respect from you than that. Even if he doesn't love me anymore he should be able to at least look at me as the mother of his kids and longtime friend and tell me the truth.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Why does he feel alone?? What does he want out of life?? Is it time with friends. Is it time with you? Going back to work will help some of the problems but will stress others. It will stress time and that will stress marriage if you both don't work on it. Explain both sides to him and see if thats more important. he's not focusing on you and that means he is focusing on something else. Sad part is it looks to be another women. He probably is already having an affair..


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## marriedsahm (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks LH, I really don't think he knows what he wants. He supposedly, spends time with his friends at least two nights a week. Very late nights (sometimes 2 or 3 am). I say supposedly because I think he may be with OW. I think its probably time for a separation b/c when I mentioned it to him he was like whatever, whatever you wanna do. He says we haven't been happy for a long time and that he just wants to be happy again. He wants that to happen with me but seems unwilling to change. I want to talk about this with him more but as the mood lightens we start to get along. That's great but our cycle is things get better (only b/c we ignore the real issue) we get close for a short while and then we start all over again.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yep time to seperate.. With OW in picture it will never get better. He needs to see grass isn't greener. YOur only prolonging seperation.. Good luck hun your going to need it..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The point of collecting more evidence is to make it impossible for him to lie. You have to ID the OW and talk to her. 

Cheaters lie. That's what they do. If you confront him with uncontrovertable evidence and he continues to lie, you know what you have to do without reserve.


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## marriedsahm (Oct 27, 2009)

thanks for the advice it does help...Dobo, what happens if I don't find any evidence. Should I believe him then. I dont have the funds to have someone follow him, and he doesn't really use the home computer for email or anything else, he does all that at work. He could be making all his calls from work. I'm all for finding something he can't lie about but GPS trackers and PI's seem like a little bit much to me.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Dpends on what your heart is worth.. 

Dobo your not one to cross.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What about asking his family? Since he's alleged to visit them, they obviously know if he's been there.

And no more trips w/o you and the kids, remember? Force him to slip up. Force him to have to up his game which may cause him to make a mistake.

You mean a GPS device would be too expensive? I guess I'd look at it as an investment.

If you can pinpoint where he is going, it might give you add'l information to use -- for instance, if there is an old GF in the area... that sort of thing.

And if nothing turns up, then yes, it might be something you don't expect like he goes to casinos and gambles... Something he doesn't want to share with you because you'll be upset, but short of cheating. You know something is up for sure. You just don't know what.


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