# Destroyed



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
Not sure where to start but here goes.

Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.

I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!

We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.

I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen

I am utterly lost… ☹


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## Andy1001

Has she been outed to her and your family or or you going down the road of hiding everything?


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## lucy999

I'm really sorry.

You need to move her to the spare bedroom. You need to reclaim the master bedroom. She needs to be inconvenienced, not you.

You have to try your hardest to eat and stay hydrated. You've got to be able to take care of the kids.


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## Music_Man

Have you gotten counseling for yourself? If not, even if it has to be done via Zoom or whatever, please do it ASAP. Start exercising regularly if you aren't already. Sow into your kids and yourself- take care of what's important. 

As far as R goes and whether or not you are a fool for even thinking about- that's hard for any of us to say based on the small snapshot of what we know. 

Some questions I would need firm answers to, immediately:

Do you know if she was having an affair with the OM first, and then they brought the OW in? 

Are there emotional ties at all to either AP?

Long term texting and communication? 

Or was this some quick fling that they concocted over some after work cocktails and decided to go though with it? 

How long was this going on?

Thinking about the above... for me, and I did choose to R after my W's EA, none of this would matter in the end. She brought two people into YOUR HOME. This was calculated and planned. 

I don't know what your relationship was like before all of this, but it would've had to be 'otherworldly' for me to even consider R. There are some lines, for me, that simply cannot be crossed. Bringing someone- let alone TWO PEOPLE- into my house would be an immediate death nail.

Find a counselor. Find an attorney. They will both help you wade through this.


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## Thor

BH2020, I'm sorry you're in this mess.

The woman you love is not who she is. Believe her actions. She is capable of having a 3-some with work colleagues in your home. Cheating on you in your own home is a pretty high level of disrespect.

There are some common truths which are almost always correct. There is probably a lot more than what you know. She will lie, deflect, minimize, and trickle truth. Cheaters usually won't admit to anything which they don't think you already have proof of. Cheaters are usually sorry they got caught and sorry for the bad consequences, but aren't sorry for what they did - they feel their cheating was justified.

You are in a form of shock. Probably your mind is going down some typical rabbit holes. 1) As a man, you are a fixer. So you seek a way to "fix" this. You cannot fix this. Only she can, which will require a number of things from her. 2) You wonder what you did wrong or in what way you were insufficient. You, like all humans, are an imperfect spouse, but she made the choice to betray you and to have sex with other people (those are separate items). This is on her, not you. 3) You want your wife and marriage back. You can never achieve those. She is not who you thought you married. With successful R, if that is possible, you will have a new marriage with a different person than you thought she was.

Your moves now need to be firm and decisive. You will get a lot of good advice on this forum. I would do a few things if you want to try R. First, require she break off all contact with those people. Now is not a good time to look for another job, but she needs to make a strong effort to work somewhere else. She needs to show true remorse. Search this forum and the internet. True remorse means she is deeply sorry for hurting you. This is a rarity amongst cheaters. You need her to give you a full accounting of her cheating. A written timeline, all names and dates, and a description of what happened (to the level of detail you need). She gives you full immediate access to all of her electronics and accounts.

I personally like the tactic of filing for divorce or at least legal separation. This communicates to her your seriousness about what happened, and that she has to earn her way back into the marriage. Too many of us take the reverse approach of trying to love them back. Or, we are too Nice about it. We want our old life back, so we don't want to be too hard on them. Like trying to coax the family dog back into the yard with a treat, because if we yell at the dog it won't come to us. In this case being Nice is the wrong approach. She needs to think you are already gone, and that she has to coax you back to her.


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## Thor

R or D is not a one-time irrevocable decision. R does not happen instantly when you decide to do it. R is a long process, probably taking a couple of years or more. At any point during that process you can decide you want to go to D instead.


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## BluesPower

You are going through all the normal feelings... You need to listen to all the advice that you got even in the first 3 posts. 

Understand some things. 

1) You do not have to decide anything right now. You are in shock. 
2) Already said, but she needs to leave the master BR not you, maybe the house if possible.
3) As of right now you don't know all of what HAS gone on in the past. 
4) What other affairs has she had? 
5) How long has this been going on? 
6) Stuff you have not even thought of yet.... 

Take a deep breath, and try and relax and get your head straight. 

There is way more to know, and you need to figure all of that out, and then decide what to do. 

Understand one thing, cheater lie, they lie a lot. So right now you really cannot believe anything, and i mean anything she says...

So for now, just move her out of the Master BR, and stop talking to her anymore than you have to...


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## Music_Man

Thor said:


> R or D is not a one-time irrevocable decision. R does not happen instantly when you decide to do it. R is a long process, probably taking a couple of years or more. At any point during that process you can decide you want to go to D instead.


I was going to say something similar. 

OP- R takes time, and you should not feel any pressure whatsoever to put a timetable on whether you decide to R or not. It is a long process- most counselors will tell you 2-3 years...and it is not for the faint of heart. 

Either way, you need the full truth from your WW as to how this whole thing came about. Whatever you do, do NOT go into R without having a confident mindset regarding your full understanding of what transpired. 

As others will tell you, and it made ALL the difference in the world in my case- you need to know exactly what you are forgiving if you decide to go down that road.


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## Hoosier

So sorry you are here! But if you have been lurking you know that its a great asset to have when fighting this fight. First, it will get better. Not anytime soon much, but it will get better. Lots of good people will be offering help, listen, analyze and most important, act! As for R...hmmmmm.


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## Andy1001

The op is in Ireland, if it’s the Republic then the divorce laws are a lot different than most other places. 
Divorce can only happen if the couple have lived separate and apart for four of the last five years. In certain circumstances they can be living in the same house but the marriage has to have been over for four years.


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## Tdbo

You have been given a lot of good advice here.
Your primary focus needs to be on getting out of infidelity.
The strongest statement to your WW that that will happen is for you to file for divorce.
You can decide whether to R or D later. 
If she wants to stay together, the onus is all on her to restore trust and repair the damage.
For that to happen, you have to break her down to base level and get her out of what is referred to as "The fog."
I won't repeat the "Best Practices" to follow. They are all over this site.
Focus on doing what is best for you and your kids. Be Father of the Year.
Study up and implement the 180. That's what the wife gets.
Take some time, get sorted and do what is best for you. You have subliminally stated what that is.


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## Marduk

Listen man, this sucks. I'm so sorry you've been betrayed in this way.

What I'm about to say, I say not to hurt you further, but to give you the information you'll need to decide if you want to reconcile.

You don't just jump into a 3-way when cheating. I mean, it's possible, but it's far more probable that she's been living a 'lifestyle' for some time now behind your back. Meaning, sex with a number of other people that escalates in riskiness/kinkiness as it goes. You don't really go from monogamous to cheating in a 3-way for the first time.

These things typically happen along a continuum, where there is continual escalation until something stops you. What stopped her was getting caught. 

I highly suspect this is far from her first fling, and would have been far from her last if you hadn't caught her. And what that means is if you do reconcile, you'll have to reconcile knowing there's been a long lineup of guest stars in your bed, and you'll have to continually police her to make sure that doesn't happen again. 

It's not really a great life to have when you have to continually police your spouse, and it's impossible to do it perfectly. And she'll likely end up resenting it, and rebelling against it anyway.

Just food for thought.

Some actions to take right away no matter what:

you both get STD tested
call a lawyer and get some advice
back up that video somewhere she can't get at it
scan in/remove important documents you might need in a divorce


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## TDSC60

What type of work does she do? What type of work do you do?

Where were the kids when this happened?

As others have said a threesome in your house is a special kind of evil and disrespect.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??


The woman had herself a threesome in YOUR house. Not only was she cheating on you with her new 'boyfriend' at work, she had to go one step *further* and have herself a threesome (probably to please her boyfriend).

These three pigs couldn't all pay 1/3 for a damned hotel room - they had to add insult to injury and fly their freak flag in your HOUSE?????

What could this woman possibly do to disrespect you MORE than that????

There isn't one thing she could possibly do because she's already SHOWN you how low she's willing to sink. She's already SHOWN you exactly how much she does *NOT* respect you at all. *Not at all*.

If I were you, her ass would be kicked out the front door so fast I'd have to FedEx her worthless shadow to her the next day.

You'd be disrespecting yourself to the *CORE *by supposedly "reconciling" with her. I say supposedly because it would be a joke to even consider staying with someone this low. The woman is a soul-sucking she-devil.


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## Brokenheart 2020

Hi all and thank you for all your responses. I will try to answer all questions. 

Both immediate families have been told plus some close friends. I rang her sister to let her know and to come pick up WW on dday. She was shocked and is very supportive of me as are her parents. But with my work schedule and the covid crisis she had to come back to our home. 

The kids were with me at my Dads about 2 hours drive away. She was supposed to come but cancelled again.(1of the reasons I became suspicious was constantly cancelling outings and changing her shifts)

She and OW are old friends from collage and now work as Maternity nurses OM works there in pediactrics. Apparently WW and OW did this a lot in collage so I believe there to be some sort of emotional connection there. Not sure about OM. This was going on since June 19 until dday. I am an maintenance engineer and work overnights when required. Depending on her schedule our kids would stay with her sister so these would be perfect times to do what she did. Then again she was almost always late home so it was nothing new to me when she was late I never gave it a 2nd thought I trusted her 100% She is in the process of doing up a timeline but right now I don't really care. She did what she did.Once or 100 times doesn't matter to me. The fact she did it does.

Deed was caught in the master bedroom so there is absolutely no chance of me going back there in the foreseeable future. I have gotten An STD check and it came back all clear and even though I'm 100% sure the kids are mine I demanded a paternity test. More to cause her pain than anything else but haven't gotten to it yet.

I am from the Republic so yes divorce and separation are not easily done. Right now I am trying to keep my distance from her when possible. Most of our time together is spent with our kids. After that retreat to my room or get out of the house and walk for a few hours since everywhere is closed. 

We have both started IC separately. I have told her I will not do MC unless R is on the table.


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## Music_Man

@She'sStillGotIt 

I keep going back to the main focus of your post and alluded to it in my first response. Bringing someone into MY HOME, would be a death nail, but bringing two freaking people in?!? 

This was planned, desired, calculated, and enjoyed. In the OP's home. Where his kids live and sleep. The ultimate disrespect. 

Yikes. What a horror story.

@Brokenheart 2020 After reading your last post and seeing the history there, I can't fathom R in this case. Hang in there- take care of yourself above all else.


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## Marc878

Tip of the iceberg I’d bet. Not making a decision means a longer stay in limbo.


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## TAMAT

BrokenHearted,

Sorry you have to deal with this, but I'm also glad you got hard proof which many people never get, and they live their lives in a kind of limbo submerged in their spouses lies.

My take on this is that since the OW and your WW did this before she met you this is basically a very long term affair, and while your marriage produced children you were never your WWs true love. You were a father, protector, provider and many other things but OW had the prior claim on your WW heart. This is also true of myself.

What to do...
Massively expose OM and OW do it all at once and without warnings or threats especially do not let your WW know. Tell OM and OW to quit their jobs or else you'll go Rambo on them and theirs. I hope your in the IRA.


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## Marduk

You might want to move back into the family home with the kids. I'm not sure of the laws there, but she might get the home, and custody along with it (because the courts might want the kids to stay in their home) if you're not careful.
Get a lawyer for sure.

Sounds like you're on the right track for sure.

If it were me, I would hold back on going public too much with what she did (beyond close friends and family you need for support) - holding this over her might ensure she doesn't fight a fair separation/divorce agreement.


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## Openminded

I couldn’t reconcile under those circumstances but some people do. If you decide to, you will never again trust her 100% — or at least you shouldn’t. The easiest part of R is the decision to try it. The rest is very hard work. And even when you work at it for years, some marriages just can’t be repaired. 

I’m assuming if you have sex with her, that resets the separation clock in your country so don’t do that unless you’re sure you’re staying. There are plenty of women who use sex as a means of manipulation. Be careful.


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## Lostinthought61

is the OW or the OM married as well? and if so have you told her husband


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## Tdbo

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all and thank you for all your responses. I will try to answer all questions.
> 
> Both immediate families have been told plus some close friends. I rang her sister to let her know and to come pick up WW on dday. She was shocked and is very supportive of me as are her parents. But with my work schedule and the covid crisis she had to come back to our home.
> 
> The kids were with me at my Dads about 2 hours drive away. She was supposed to come but cancelled again.(1of the reasons I became suspicious was constantly cancelling outings and changing her shifts)
> 
> She and OW are old friends from collage and now work as Maternity nurses OM works there in pediactrics. Apparently WW and OW did this a lot in collage so I believe there to be some sort of emotional connection there. Not sure about OM. This was going on since June 19 until dday. I am an maintenance engineer and work overnights when required. Depending on her schedule our kids would stay with her sister so these would be perfect times to do what she did. Then again she was almost always late home so it was nothing new to me when she was late I never gave it a 2nd thought I trusted her 100% She is in the process of doing up a timeline but right now I don't really care. She did what she did.Once or 100 times doesn't matter to me. The fact she did it does.
> 
> Deed was caught in the master bedroom so there is absolutely no chance of me going back there in the foreseeable future. I have gotten An STD check and it came back all clear and even though I'm 100% sure the kids are mine I demanded a paternity test. More to cause her pain than anything else but haven't gotten to it yet.
> 
> I am from the Republic so yes divorce and separation are not easily done. Right now I am trying to keep my distance from her when possible. Most of our time together is spent with our kids. After that retreat to my room or get out of the house and walk for a few hours since everywhere is closed.
> 
> We have both started IC separately. I have told her I will not do MC unless R is on the table.


I certainly feel for you.
I don't know how you come back from that.
Start the divorce process quickly,.
Given that divorce there really is a process instead of an event, you may as well use the time to your advantage and make it easier on yourself.
Like I said previously, focus on being father of the year for the kids.
Wife gets 180. Short, precise answers. Cold as ice.
Give her just enough hope to think R could be possible. Make her work hard.
Outline your requirements and do not waver. If she doesn't, then she must not want R.
At the end if R is not possible, or some sort of "Hybrid" arrangement is not possible, pull the rug out from under her.
She can always earn her keep and live with her "Bed buddies."


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## Casual Observer

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> She and OW are old friends from collage and now work as Maternity nurses OM works there in pediactrics. Apparently WW and OW did this a lot in collage so I believe there to be some sort of emotional connection there. Not sure about OM. This was going on since June 19 until dday. I am an maintenance engineer and work overnights when required. Depending on her schedule our kids would stay with her sister so these would be perfect times to do what she did. Then again she was almost always late home so it was nothing new to me when she was late I never gave it a 2nd thought I trusted her 100% *She is in the process of doing up a timeline but right now I don't really care. She did what she did.Once or 100 times doesn't matter to me. *The fact she did it does.
> ...
> We have both started IC separately. I have told her I will not do MC unless R is on the table.


So you feel that way now (that you don't care if it's 1 or 100 times) but I can assure you there will be times you want to know EVERYTHING and please please please do everything you can to minimize future discoveries and additions. Get the facts now. If she senses she can hold back, she will. She'll do that anyway. She has to know NOW that her world, your world, is entirely changed, that trust is no longer available to her, it has to be earned back, and any attempt to minimize or leave anything out pretty much cancels out all possibility of r.

This is her singular moment to come clean and let you know who she really is. This isn't dating, where you gradually learn things about your partner over time. Especially since you're in Ireland, where your marriage is held captive by the state for 4 or 5 years. That is a powerful tool she can use against you. She can be thinking she's got lots of time to come up with a new story, something you'll feel empathy for. You just can't let that happen.

The MC thing? It's possible that it could be a requirement in Ireland before a divorce is granted. Look into this. If it is, get it out of the way sooner than later. Get everything moving in the direction of divorce. You can always reconcile, even remarry down the road. 

But again, she can't leave anything off the table. She has to be accountable. Don't give her any excuse otherwise. 

I feel so badly for you. This is a terrible thing for anyone to have to deal with.


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## lucy999

Now I know why you left the master bedroom. I would've, too.

That her cohort is a close friend from college doesn't bode well for you if you decide to R.

Glad to hear you're taking proactive steps for IC.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


First of all,no, you are not a fool for wanting reconciliation. I am also a BH who is now over 4 years into R. However, your situation is different from mine is they did not conduct their trysts in my bed. Had that occurred I do not know which direction I would have gone. Make sure your children are sheltered from what is going on between you and your wife. I was fortunate, if you want to call it that, is my children were adults when my FWW stepped out on our marriage.
I was able to reconcile because my wife was extremely remorseful. Your initial response is very similar to what my FWW told me when I busted her. Typical cheaterspeak.

How you feel now is normal and is to be expected but believe me when I say this too shall pass. Sadness will progress to extreme anger and yes, you are within your rights to blast your WW. She needs to experience your anger in order to understand what she has heaped upon you. I let mine have it verbally with both barrels. However, if R is where you desire to head it is critical you cease in the verbal warfare. Feeling better is not going to be instantaneous, but with a good IC you can and will come out stronger on the other side. Trust me.

You may be suffering from PTSD from your viewing the video footage. Ask your IC about this and possibly a therapist that can perform EMDR. I suffered from PTSD (combat related) and EMDR was a godsend.

My question to you is threefold: 1) How long had this been going on before you caught them? 2) Has your wife had other extramarital relationships besides this? 3) Has your wife apologized not just to you, but to your family and her family? 

Now for some cold water in your face. I think from what you post she needs to experience severe repurcussions to her transgression against you in the form of being served divorce papers. That drives home the point you are deadly ****ing serious. I am not familiar with Irish divorce laws, but obtain legal counsel and see what your options are and if you can stop the divorce process if you feel she is worthy of reconciliation. Another option is to simply divorce her and date her and see if she could be marriage material again, or just divorce her and move on with your life.

I will not sugar coat it for you regarding reconciliation. It is a long and at times arduous journey. You will trigger frequently along the way, you will need control your urge to lash out at her verbally, as this is counter productive to the reconciliation process. Can you do this?

Can you get over the fact that they were ****ing in your marital bed? THis to me would be difficult as this is total disrespect in addition to her cheating. Can you move past this?

If R is where you are headed, you need a timeline of the affair and she needs to answer every question you pose to her. Also, I would encourage you to schedule a polygraph for her. You need to know the truth and what you are forgiving if you should reconcile. THe polygraph while not 100% reliable can give you some comfort.

Lastly, what was the reason she thought it was okay to do this In your marital bed. That to me is the biggest hurdle to jump. I do not know if I could had this happened to me.

You will get much good advice here, seasoned posters with a wealth of solid advice. This site was crucial to me when I was in the early stages of reconciliation. Many times folks would reassure me I was not crazy when I had certain thoughts. Again, reconciliation is not for the faint of heart.

I wish you the best sir.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Marc878 said:


> Tip of the iceberg I’d bet. Not making a decision means a longer stay in limbo.


Hell yes, he needs to schedule a poly for her and then DNA test the children.


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## sokillme

How will you have a marriage without respect, how can you respect someone and do what she did to you. Your kids will be fine, like the 50% or more who come from a divorced home. You wife is worth nothing as a wife, move on you will have a much better life. It's harsh but she doesn't love you, and has no respect for you, herself and the institute of marriage. Those people make awful spouses, you are better off being alone.

If you are going to stay you should remove the pretense of fidelity since she did.

Never love anyone enough to allow them to abuse and disrespect you. Nothing good comes out of that.

Finally if this person could abuse you so horribly, with recorded threesomes in your own bed and I can't think of much worse and still you are feeling guilty for calling her names, then you are very codependent, which may be what drew you to a women like her. It's certainly what drew her to you. Women like you wife pick codependent men, sorry to say. There are many reasons for that that I won't get into so close to what happened. Enough to say you are the host to her parasitic behavior. YOU need to work on that.

You are like the wife whose husband puts her in the hospital and she says he didn't mean it or worse calls it her fault when she goes back to him. Seriously your wife shouldn't be married to anyone ever again, she fortified her wife card in my mind.

Your wife is a very dark and unsafe person. The level of disrespect is very high, there will be much more, I promise you, you don't go from happily married to threesomes in your married bed unless this is your standard MO or you have been slowly building up to this over many years. There is very good bet you have no idea who this women is, what she is capable of and what she has been doing. Probably for a very long time if not your whole marriage.

Again this is not your run of the mill have an affair with a coworker in a hotel. This is a lifestyle that you never knew about behavior.

Last you and others might not like my mindset in this post, but I guarantee you this mindset will help you heal often decades faster and have a much better life then pining away for some POS who treats you less then someone would an total stranger. You are worth more then that, everyone is.


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## TAMAT

Broken,

I believe you said you are in the Irish republic and divorce is difficult.

If the laws are in concert with the Catholic church perhaps its possible to get an Annulment, since she hid her bisexuality from you. At the very least it's a slam dunk annulment from the Catholic church.

I hope your WW did not cultivate a relationship with OW as an Aunt to your children or as some kind of special person in their lives, if so this has to end or you will be triggered endlessly. 

I think it's best if your children are told there is no holding back the fact that your WW had a secret second life


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## Robert22205

WHAT SHOULD OR CAN SHE DO NOW IF SHE WANTS TO SAVE HER MARRAIGE?????


1) provide a written plan on how to rebuild your relationship including the steps she will take to make you feel loved. 

2) documenting the ways she will make you feel safe in the relationship

3) telling the truth on if she misses the APs, whether she enjoys them more than you, if she still thinks they are good people and desires to be with them. If she can’t convince you that she feels none of these things for them then you might as well move on.

4) make you feel desired. If it were me I would tell her she needs to initiate new intimacy with you in ways she did NOT have with them. She needs to be creative and also make you feel like you’re the only man she’d want to do these things with; and that she’s comfortable sharing them with you and only you for the rest of her life.

5) I’d want letters. Lots of them. Describing what you staying means to her. Describing how you must have felt when you learned she was cheating. Why she loves you. Why (other than love) she wants to be with you. What she wants for your future together. I’d ask for a letter every two days. If she wants you in her life she’d do it.

6) Id actually want to be flirted with. As if she courting me for the first time. Inform her that old M is dead (she killed it) so if she wants a new one she needs to show that desire.

7) provide a timeline of her affair(s) showing when, where, what happened, what she was thinking during and afterward when she came home (subject to a polygraph). A timeline is for her benefit and assists her in fixing herself. It reduces her romantic tryst into a selfish deceitful act of betrayal. It also provides you with ‘what’ you are forgiving.


----------



## Robert22205

Within the next few days,if she wants to save her marriage, she should read: 

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald.


----------



## Robert22205

Her previous relationship with the OW is not an excuse. All of us have personal issues, disappointments, lust/urges/crushes, unmet needs etc – but she chose to act out and cheat vs other options. She needs to dig deep and fix what is broken inside her that would allow her to betray you (and your kids) as well as herself. Fixing herself is a process that will take years not days or weeks. Otherwise, she’ll cheat again.

Do not grant her the gift of a second chance immediately. Take your time (I’m talking months) to decide whether to D or R. 

In the interim, she needs to believe you’re serious ready to divorce her (bluff if necessary), observe her actions (not promises) to rebuild trust and to make herself a safe partner.


----------



## hinterdir

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


So sorry. 
I can't imagine anyone who loved their spouse and planned to grow old together and be faithful to each other forever wouldn't be totally devastated. 
I'm sorry she did this to you. 
You have to step back and process what kind of selfishness and evil it takes to do something so personally, intimately and knowingly painful to someone they supposedly love. 
Knowing it in your head right now doesn't help but intellectually you know you'll have to go through the stages of grief, you will have to go through this pain but on the other side you will be ok, You will be able to move past this and have better things on the other side. 
People are different, some try to reconcile. I am one who would never want to be around this person ever again and there wouldn't be a chance in haelll I would ever stay with them. 
I always urge for divorce when adultery has occurred. It is the only way to have peace and sound mind again. Move on, heal, work on yourself, find someone who is true and faithful. Think about it, the amount of lies and level of lies this person has told you....you can never trust anything she says or has said ever again. Keeping her in your life will just bring up the flashbacks for the rest of your life. You'll live a tense life, full of depression, worry, playing detective and questioning her all the time, asking where she has been, checking her phone, her emails, social accounts, always wondering if she is being honest, always wondering if she is hiding something again. 
DON'T!!!!!!!
Just make a break, break off contact with her, become selfish and work totally on yourself and healing and finding comfort in family, friends, your kids, church and surrounding yourself with those you love you and have your back. Let her basically be dead to you. The only way to have peace and a calm, relaxed mind free from dread and worry and anxiety is to just get away from this wicked person and heal and become a more healthy and balanced person. Eat well, exercise, go to counseling (if needed), meet new people and find a better lady. There are 3.5 billion women on the globe...there are TONS better than this one. 
I don't know how you could see what you saw on that video and ever want to have her as a wife again. 

So sorry this happened. I would say divorce, work on yourself and become a healthy person and drop her from your thoughts as quickly as you can. 

You can try to reconcile but you will be miserable and full of stress and anxiety and you know the probabilities are that she'll do this again. A threesome? COME ON MAN!

Best of luck to you.


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## TAMAT

Broken,

It may be accurate to say your WW was married to the OW and not to you, or that your WW was married to two people.

You asked 1000 or 1 times what the difference, the differnces is that she is lying to you and you know it, this will matter even if you divorce and have to raise your children cooperatively.

BTW I read somewhere that the sexiest accent is now Irish not French, so come over to the US lots of women will go crazy for you.


----------



## frusdil

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> I feel like a fool and worthless,


OP, you are neither a fool, nor are you worthless. I am so so sorry that you have to go through this. I can't even imagine how painful it is. My heart goes out to you.



TAMAT said:


> I think it's best if your children are told there is no holding back the fact that your WW had a secret second life


The children are far too young for that. At least for now. 

OP needs to focus on protecting himself and putting himself and the children first. His wife can go to hell.


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## TAMAT

If the Mother is allowing the children to get divorced then the kids should know why in an age appropriate way. The children should not be lied to. Kids usually know something anyhow, they especially know they are being lied to. 

A few months or so ago I asked one of the kids I do activites with at church about his Mothers trip to another country, I suspected it was to visit some guy, he told me "I don't even want to talk about it" made my heart sink.


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## frusdil

TAMAT said:


> If the Mother is allowing the children to get divorced then the kids should know why in an age appropriate way. The children should not be lied to. Kids usually know something anyhow, they especially know they are being lied to.
> 
> A few months or so ago I asked one of the kids I do activites with at church about his Mothers trip to another country, I suspected it was to visit some guy, he told me "I don't even want to talk about it" made my heart sink.


Of course they shouldn't be lied to, but they don't need a full, in colour, graphic detail description either. They're only 6 and 8 years old. Mummy and Daddy have decided they don't want to be married anymore and that they are better as friends, is all they need to know - for now. When they're a little older they can get the full scoop.


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## [email protected]

See a lawyer right now, start your 180 and file on her. My advice is to dump her. You'll never, ever trust her again. And you'll never get the mind movies out of your head.


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## Brokenheart 2020

Hi All,

Thank you again for all your responses, They have given me a lot to think about. I have been sitting in self pity too long, I fix things,its my job. Its what I love to do. Take things apart and put them back together. I guess my brain went into repair mode and I have been going over and over in my mind taking my relationship apart to see if there was something I could have done to stop this. 
I know now that I couldn't. If she was going to it she was going to do it no matter what. I need to get my life life back to some degree. Me and my kids that's it. She needs to look after herself. 

OM and OW are both single, I believe they were were FB and got my WW to join in so no other betrayed spouses involved. 

The whole country has been on a severe lock down for the last 6 weeks so it has been tough but there will be an ease in restrictions in the next week or so, I will be taking back MY room and I will clear everything out and redecorate. 

WW is working this weekend so I will have time with the kids and time to think and plan my way forward. I will keep you all updated

BH


----------



## aine

OP, so sorry for what you are going through. I am familiar with ROI and find it hard to imagine these kind of things happening. The Irish constitution now allows for divorce under certain circumstances including no prospect of reconciliation. The court will also consider the circumstances and I think you have more than enough cause if that is what you want.

What your wife did is not on you. All marriages have issues but that is absolutely no excuse to go out and f*** other people. It looks like this is something she brought into the marriage.

I agree with another poster in that I cannot see how a wife would engage in these activities if she really loved her husband. Your wife sounds like a real w**** and really needs to be held to account for this.
Get a good lawyer and then get a good counselor for yourself to work through all of this.

I would also suggest you tell friends and families of the OW and OM and blow up their worlds.

Please take care of your health by eating and exercising properly and trying to get sleep.


----------



## Buffer

Take back you! Take back your children, but most of all take back control of your life. Get WW to help you move the marriage bed out side and burn it! Get all gifts and sexy stuff they purchased for their three ways and throw that into the bond fire of recovery. Set up your bedroom like you want it, a man cave, a dungeon; it’s your sleeping room, not hers. Did you know your WW was bi sexual and does she do the same sex thing often? Just so we have a better understanding of her. 
Do you think she is remorseful for the loss of her marriage or for getting caught and the loss of face?
Take time in every thing recovery is about you and your children, not her agenda, yours. D or A take your time to decide
One day a a time 
Buffer


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## VladDracul

I don't there'd be any real reconciliation but if I were you, any reconciliation would have to include regular threesomes with your old lady and the other dame. I mean, after all your wife likes threesomes, been doing them a while with the both of them entertaining other men. I think its it high time and fair for you to get in on the action.


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## Numb26

I was in your exact position, my STBXW also was having threesomes when I caught her and I can tell you that your WW just didn't start with a threesome. There is a work up to that point, whether she was seeing the OW first or the OM first doesn't really matter. The simple fact is that she disrespected your marriage vows.

Now the thing for you to do is concentrate on yourself. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that the next couple of months are going to be easy but I can tell you that it WILL get better. Move her into the spare bedroom, regardless if you are thinking about R you should file because it shows her that you are capable of making decisions and sticking with them. Start the 180 and don't play the "pick me" game.

Spend time with your kids, hit the gym, get a hobby. Do things to improve yourself. In the end it is YOU that will make it through this with your head held high.

Good luck and we are here if you need support


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

Numb26 hit the nail on the head. Also ask for a timeline


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## MattMatt

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


So sorry you are here, @Brokenheart 2020.

Several questions:

1) What legal jurisdiction are you under? (For example is videoing a spouse legal or not?)
2) Have you sought legal advice?
3) What are the local divorce laws like, should it come to that?
4) What do you want to happen?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP was I'm sure just putting security cameras in his home, installing or improving a home security system.

And was totally surprised on what happened to be recorded.


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## TDSC60

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.


She is not trustworthy and probably never was nor will be. How can she prove something she is not? She can't.

Her motivation seems to be that it is difficult for her to let go of her Plan B. The guy who provided for her. The guy who does little things for her. The guy who supports her and the kids while she is free to have sexual fantasies become reality.

If her and other woman did this in college, she will never change. It is in her DNA. She has been doing this a long, long time. Respect yourself, she does not.


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## Tdbo

VladDracul said:


> I don't there'd be any real reconciliation but if I were you, any reconciliation would have to include regular threesomes with your old lady and the other dame. I mean, after all your wife likes threesomes, been doing them a while with the both of them entertaining other men. I think its it high time and fair for you to get in on the action.


No, if his wife truly had any level of love, respect, or fairness, she would have offered to him initially.
*I wouldn't do this nor would I advocate it,* but if one was going to go there, it would have to be carried out in a manner that would provide some semblance of equality to the party cheated on, but some possible pain to the cheater.
The cheater generally wants their side of the marriage open, but wants the other spouse to be totally loyal to them. In other words, they are entitled to cheat, but are outraged and hurt if they have to suffer the same plight.
Therefore the solution would be simple, husband gets to do a woman of his choice (or better yet, the other dame) in a twosome (or a threesome could work as well,) while his wife is forced to watch (with hands restrained behind her back) without participating. I would advocate a formula, such as (number of threesomes wife had X 2.)
*This would break her and harsh her affair buzz quickly.*


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## lucy999

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> I will be taking back MY room and I will clear everything out and redecorate.


Now that's taking action. Good for you, sir. I think that's a fantastic idea.


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## 3Xnocharm

Ugh.. don’t reconcile. Don’t even make that offer. You will be wasting your life and hurting yourself. Be done and find a new, happy life for yourself and your kids. 

Just don’t. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt

Tdbo said:


> No, if his wife truly had any level of love, respect, or fairness, she would have offered to him initially.
> *I wouldn't do this nor would I advocate it,* but if one was going to go there, it would have to be carried out in a manner that would provide some semblance of equality to the party cheated on, but some possible pain to the cheater.
> The cheater generally wants their side of the marriage open, but wants the other spouse to be totally loyal to them. In other words, they are entitled to cheat, but are outraged and hurt if they have to suffer the same plight.
> Therefore the solution would be simple, husband gets to do a woman of his choice (or better yet, the other dame) in a twosome (or a threesome could work as well,) while his wife is forced to watch (with hands restrained behind her back) without participating. I would advocate a formula, such as (number of threesomes wife had X 2.)
> *This would break her and harsh her affair buzz quickly.*


And when he is faced with charges of unlawful restraint, kidnapping and assault what would your next suggestion be?


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## oldtruck

there cannot be recovery unless WW goes NC with the OW and the OM.
that means WW has to leave that job.

also the OW BH and the OM BW must be told about the affatr.


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## OutofRetirement

Does she still work with OM and OW? Still friends with OW?

It kind of is common sense to me that leaving the job and ending the relationship, no contact at all ever. Seems common sense to me. Yet I see very few cheaters who get caught and claim they want to "do anything to save the marriage" never can figure that out on their own. Has your wife offered to leave job and split forever from toxic friend? Have you asked for that? 

Same with bed. Has your wife said she wants to find a new house, or at least replace the bed? That may be wholly inadequate, but it does at least show some attitude from wife that she is trying to make things better for you.

I guess what I am saying is based on what you've posted, it seems your wife's efforts so far have been to just give lip service, but actually she has done nothing.

You are posting for advice. Trying to figure out how to reconcile. Does your wife spend any time trying to figure out how to do it? Or just says she'll do anything while she does practically zero?


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## Kamstel2

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, a marriage is like a stool in that it is built upon three legs. In marriage, those legs are Love, Respect, and Trust

I’m sorry, but your marriage doesn‘t have ANY OF THEM!!!

Love: do you think it is possible that someone could actually love someone else and have sex with not one, but at least two people on a regular basis over a minimum of six months??? Could someone that loves you actually be willing to cause you the level of pain and desvastation??? The simple answer is not “no”, but “HELL NO!!!!!!”

Respect: do you really think at someone that respects you would show the ultimate in DISRESPECT in not only sleeping with other people outside of marriage, BUT IN YOUR OWN BED?????? If that was me, it would take all of my friends holding me back from not only burning your bed that she showed you the level of love and respect she has for you, but I would burn the house down!!!!

Trust: do you really think that there is the slightest chance you you will ever trust her again? Every time she is 5 minutes late, you will be wondering if she is in someone else’s bed or backseat!! Hell, she hasn’t quit her job, what makes you think the three of them aren’t taking their breaks in a storage closet???

Sorry, but I’m my opinion, some sins are unforgivable. 

again, she is STILL WORKING WITH THEM!!!!!

many of us here knowwhat you are going through. Good luck, Be strong!!! And whatever you do, make sure you can look yourself in the mirror!!!!


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## Tdbo

MattMatt said:


> And when he is faced with charges of unlawful restraint, kidnapping and assault what would your next suggestion be?


It would be fully with her consent. 
Basically, a hall pass with handcuffs.
She would sign a waiver in front of a notary prior to the event.
Like I said (In Bold) while I would never do this or advocate it, it would be about the only way that a cheater could feel the true pain of betrayal.
Besides, I'm sure that many waywards over time have submitted to as bad, or worse, in an effort to save their sorry asses.


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## OutofRetirement

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> DDay Jan 2020. Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months.


You say it started in June, but you only became suspicious in October or so. So it had been going on 3-4-5 months before you even suspected. Another 2-3 months before you actually caught her.

What are the odds this is the first time it ever happened, first OM, same old OW?

How long has your wife worked with her old college threesome friend?


----------



## sokillme

Man everyone everyone has had this happen to them at one time. It happens, you just bought a lemon so to speak, but compound the problem by holding on to that lemon and trying to turn it into a Mercedes. It will only lead to more misery.


----------



## Bobbyjo

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


So sorry for what you are going through. I can understand the depth of your pain. All I can say to you is that grief is not a linear process. There are so many emotions as you have described your feelings. They are fleeting and they change all the time. You can’t fix this dear. It’s a process. Be kind to yourself. I’m not sure if you are a spiritual person, if you are, surrender your heart and will to the big guy upstairs. Writing down your thoughts on paper can also be a good way of releasing your feelings. Right now...it’s raw...and what your going through is a normal reaction. Even though it’s tough. Hang in there my friend. Talk to someone who will listen to you without judgement and support you no matter what your decision is.


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## VladDracul

Tdbo said:


> No, if his wife truly had any level of love, respect, or fairness, she would have offered to him initially.


Love, respect and fairness was out the window long before these three warmed up old Brokenheated's bed. If I was him, I'd have to do both of them if for no other reason than amusement and a double dose of booty call. He may be able to transition them into alternate days servicing him independently. He may be one of the many guys who are willing to forgo the love, respect, and fairness if you have your choice on either or both of two women to bang your brains out.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> We have both started IC separately. I have told her I will not do MC unless R is on the table.


Oh boy.

I see you're already starting to lay down the requirements for a possible 'reconciliation' once your anger is spent. Classic mistake most BS's make when the anger dissipates and they run out of steam. They choose to stay with someone who treated them like garbage because the devil they DO know is better than the one they don't, right?

Wrong.

I will just say good luck to you, OP. Think *long and hard *before you decide to stay with this one.

Think VERY long and VERY hard.


----------



## lovelygirl

Andy1001 said:


> The op is in Ireland, if it’s the Republic then the divorce laws are a lot different than most other places.
> Divorce can only happen if the couple have lived separate and apart for four of the last five years. In certain circumstances they can be living in the same house but the marriage has to have been over for four years.


Whaaaaaaat???? 
I bet the cheating rates are very high in Ireland. Who would wanna to through a 4-year separation before devorcing? 
Not even worth the effort.

Anyway, OP what she did to you was a double betrayal. I don't know how R even crosses your mind. She's not the woman you thought you married and unless she's as sleepless and broken as you are (for what she caused to you and the family) then she doesn't deserve a 2nd. chance. 

From a supposely "loyal wife" .... to a 3-some??? Impossible. 
There are missing pieces.

If she's had 3somes from college and you thought she'd be over them, then you don't know who you really married.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60

From what you have said your wife and OW have been a team since college and have had only a few breaks since.
Take care of yourself then the kids. Some will be up in arms over that telling you the kids come first. But it is like they say on a plane that depressurizes, put on your mask first, then assist the kids. You are no help to your kids if you do not take care of yourself.

Notice I did not include your wife. She is taking care of herself.............allow her continue.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi all,
Had the kids to myself this weekend so I made the most of it.
A lot of questions to answer,hope I get them all.

Ragnar you got it in 1 👏 . I was installing a new system and decided to add a few for extra protection.WW knew about the upgrades but I may have put them in earlier than expected so my bad I guess 😏😏

MattMatt 
We are allowed to have cameras inside and outside our home. EU data protection only cones into effect if a camera is covering a public area ie footpath at front of the home. They do not so I'm ok. 
Divorce laws here are in a word $***!! We need to be living apart for 2 of the last 3 years and no chance of R at all. We can be legally separated after 1 year apart. So that will be the 1st thing I can hope for if it comes to that. No matter what, the courts here will be biased towards WW with issues such as kids. Not even sure I would get 50/50 even if she agreed to it. So until our lockdown eases we are stuck in the same house. It's going to be a long summer!!!
As far as what I want. I am still unsure. The thought of not having my kids in my life 100% kills me but separation is what I am leaning towards. 
I have asked for a timeline. I told her if she leaves anything out that's it.and also there will be a poly once the lockdown is over. 

WW does seem remorseful and is doing and saying right things. NC with both APs . They do work in the hospital but in different departments. She said she will put in for a transfer but again with lockdown it won't happen for a while. She could quit. We have enough savings but I don't want to waste that unless there is a possibility of R so we are stuck at the moment. 
She told me this started in June.OW started there about 2 years prior so who knows. Not sure about OM. I only got suspicious because was cancelling plans more often. I honestly thought it was alcohol or drug related, and was seriously worried for her, and hoping to catch her taking them. not this.

So yeah, kind of stuck in limbo until lockdown eases here, so I'm just concentrating on myself and the kids.


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## Robert22205

Has she apologized for hurting you or explained why she wants to remain married (other than being in love)?
Be sure her timeline includes what she was thinking during sex and afterwards upon seeing you.
What is she doing to rebuild your trust and help you help from her betrayal?

I suggest you protect yourself in case you decide to divorce. Consider filing for an 'official' separation in order to start the clock towards divorce - but also to immediately prevent her new bills from being assigned to you. 

Consider separating bank accounts.


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## Kamstel2

Tell her to start applying to other hospitals immediately!!!


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## Buffer

As per Kamstel says^^
Regarding to your WW sexuality preferences, were you aware of them?
Take one day at a time, look after yourself and the children. Exercise if possible, drink water, no drugs and limit booze. Children pick up on everything so please be mindful of what is said near them. Can you get some IC for you. WW also needs IC this is prior to MC. If possible get a IC and MC that are specialist in infidelity. Every spare moment be there for the children. Hard 180 on WW. She will try to rug sweep this, possible offer you some action. That is a bargaining tool that she may employ to get you on side. That is a moral question that you may have to face. It isn’t worth the rug sweeping.

WW will turn this around on you, or your family and their actions. Take none of that. She knew, planned, changes schedules, lied to every one. It isn’t a mistake. Conscious decisions, led to her actions.
If the three ways have been going on for six to eight months then the emotional side has been going on for just as long. Hence over 12 months now! Yes WW did hook up with the OW at uni but the other partner, different completel. 
Would she be content if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were stepping out of the marriage with multiple partners? I am sure she wouldn’t say “it was just sex so it’s ok this time?” I think not.
One day at a time
Buffer


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

You need her out of proximity to these scum NOW. For your piece of mind if anything.


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## Diana7

If I was with a man who had sex with another man I would end the marriage. If he then bought a third partner into the mix, I would be even more sure to end it. If they had repeatedly had sex in my own house over nearly a year,and even in my own bed, he would be out of the door immediately. 
She isn't sorry, she isn't repentant, if you hadn't found out she would still be doing it. She is sorry she got caught, period. 
How could you possibly ever trust her again???????


----------



## BHB4408

Just a note from my own experience (Other Man in my house). The first few days for me were very tough. I immediately thought the right thing to do was to try to save my marriage. As the weeks passed, I began to realize the disrespect, and was able to see that I didn't deserve it in any way. A month after the event, I clearly called it quits. Since then, I haven't had a second thought about it. Crappy situation. How could I ever trust her again? I refuse to live that way. Please be careful not to be the good guy who does everything to save the marriage while destroying your own self-respect.


----------



## MattMatt

@Brokenheart 2020 how's it going?


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi All,
Apologies for not replying in a while. I was not in a good place to be honest. My whole life just shattered into a million pieces and fell down a very dark hole. I have been on a lot just reading other peoples stories trying to figure out a lot that was going through my mind. 
A lot has happened the last few months so I will try to keep it simple instead of a novel!!!!

1st , I am getting a divorce. There is a lot more to it here. Need to be separated 2 out of 3 years so its going to be a long wait but legal separation will be just as good. Everything will be split and 50/50 with the kids. I have also had a lot of IC, I needed it. I was drinking way too much,eating little and sleeping less. I have pulled myself together to a certain extent but I am definitely in a better place. 
I will just do short paragraphs from here.....

I did a paternity test even though I was 100 sure the kids were mine. I just wanted her to hurt and see what she had done. ( test confirmed they are mine)

She begged and pleaded to save the marriage, I told her there was no marriage to save, She made sure of that. Offered me a free pass, even a threesome with another friend of hers who she knew liked me. ( I then asked who the other person would be, after looking at me confused for a few seconds I said well if you get 2 other people its only fair I do too, Hell I'll even make a tape for you to watch!!) she walked away in tears. I didn't take the offer anyway. I am not her!!! 

She went no contact with both APs. Again didn't really care at that point. Kept texting me where she was at lunch or out shopping etc, Told her to stop, she could be anywhere and text me that. Just like she did so many times before.

I got a new job on the west coast which suited me fine. I will stay with my Dad, It is a big house and he is not getting any younger so it eases my mind on him too. Would end up only having the kids on weekends but I would have them for holidays and such. It helped me to get away from her. Missed my kids badly but spoke with them every day.

I told her she could stay in the house. we would work something out. I didn't want to turn the kids lives upside down. This was all part of the legal separation. pensions and savings would also be separate. She still wanted to try but was willing to give me an easy separation.

End of June she wants to meet and talk, At this point we only discuss kids or legal stuff.
Anyway. She had quit her job. wanted to sell the house and move over close to me. I told her again we were not getting back together. I needed to divorce. Our marriage was a sham because of her and her actions. I was still having nightmares of the video. She just wanted to get away from her job and the city. Her moving would give me more time with the kids too.
She knew I was not stopping the separation/Divorce but said she would wait forever to prove to me she can be trusted again. So I agreed to sell the house and she moved 40 mins away renting a house and has a job lined up. House is on the market. we should sell fast enough and prices here are a lot cheaper too.

Kids love it here. love their Grandad and he loves having them here too. I swear he looks younger already!!

I think that is it. I know I left a lot out and it might be a little jumbled but between work and having the kids at weekends and certain weekdays which I love, I am constantly busy. Myself and WW are cordial and will chat when we see each other. I know she still wants to get back together, and who knows what will happen down the road. I cant lie, She is still beautiful and I do see the person I fell in love with at times but for now Its a 3/ 4 year wait for freedom and that I know, will definitely happen.

Broken.


----------



## Openminded

The common thinking is that cheaters are looking for a way out of their marriage. Some are but most aren’t. They’re just bored and looking for some excitement. Unfortunately, you have a long time to go until you’re legally free of her and she will probably use that time to try to convince you that she’s worth reconciling with. Be prepared. I hope all goes well for you.


----------



## Evinrude58

I read your story and just feel terrible for you, but wanted to say I admire how you handled things and hope you realize what a strong person you are. I also wanted to say that it’s quite clear you aren’t broken. Your heart is, but not you. A broken person would allow themselves to be used, walked on, and beg and plead for their cheating, lying wife to come back. You haven’t done that. I don’t think your wife is worth reconciling with, but your strength in handling this most hurtful of events has already given you the possibility of reconciliation should you want it.
The movies will stop playing in your mind if you move on and love another woman. Likely never will if you stay with this one. Good luck. 
I hope you find happiness again.


----------



## sokillme

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi All,
> Apologies for not replying in a while. I was not in a good place to be honest. My whole life just shattered into a million pieces and fell down a very dark hole. I have been on a lot just reading other peoples stories trying to figure out a lot that was going through my mind.
> A lot has happened the last few months so I will try to keep it simple instead of a novel!!!!
> 
> 1st , I am getting a divorce. There is a lot more to it here. Need to be separated 2 out of 3 years so its going to be a long wait but legal separation will be just as good. Everything will be split and 50/50 with the kids. I have also had a lot of IC, I needed it. I was drinking way too much,eating little and sleeping less. I have pulled myself together to a certain extent but I am definitely in a better place.
> I will just do short paragraphs from here.....
> 
> I did a paternity test even though I was 100 sure the kids were mine. I just wanted her to hurt and see what she had done. ( test confirmed they are mine)
> 
> She begged and pleaded to save the marriage, I told her there was no marriage to save, She made sure of that. Offered me a free pass, even a threesome with another friend of hers who she knew liked me. ( I then asked who the other person would be, after looking at me confused for a few seconds I said well if you get 2 other people its only fair I do too, Hell I'll even make a tape for you to watch!!) she walked away in tears. I didn't take the offer anyway. I am not her!!!
> 
> She went no contact with both APs. Again didn't really care at that point. Kept texting me where she was at lunch or out shopping etc, Told her to stop, she could be anywhere and text me that. Just like she did so many times before.
> 
> I got a new job on the west coast which suited me fine. I will stay with my Dad, It is a big house and he is not getting any younger so it eases my mind on him too. Would end up only having the kids on weekends but I would have them for holidays and such. It helped me to get away from her. Missed my kids badly but spoke with them every day.
> 
> I told her she could stay in the house. we would work something out. I didn't want to turn the kids lives upside down. This was all part of the legal separation. pensions and savings would also be separate. She still wanted to try but was willing to give me an easy separation.
> 
> End of June she wants to meet and talk, At this point we only discuss kids or legal stuff.
> Anyway. She had quit her job. wanted to sell the house and move over close to me. I told her again we were not getting back together. I needed to divorce. Our marriage was a sham because of her and her actions. I was still having nightmares of the video. She just wanted to get away from her job and the city. Her moving would give me more time with the kids too.
> She knew I was not stopping the separation/Divorce but said she would wait forever to prove to me she can be trusted again. So I agreed to sell the house and she moved 40 mins away renting a house and has a job lined up. House is on the market. we should sell fast enough and prices here are a lot cheaper too.
> 
> Kids love it here. love their Grandad and he loves having them here too. I swear he looks younger already!!
> 
> I think that is it. I know I left a lot out and it might be a little jumbled but between work and having the kids at weekends and certain weekdays which I love, I am constantly busy. Myself and WW are cordial and will chat when we see each other. I know she still wants to get back together, and who knows what will happen down the road. I cant lie, She is still beautiful and I do see the person I fell in love with at times but for now Its a 3/ 4 year wait for freedom and that I know, will definitely happen.
> 
> Broken.


Well this is a much better update. Good job so far my friend.

But remember you see the person you loved but that person would never do what she ended up doing to you. The person you loved never existed. I mean think about it what type of person would she have to be to do that to you. One more time, you love her, but she doesn't love you, she doesn't have it in her to.

You have to understand her nature. She is probably pining away after the people at work, and some other new guy you don't even know about when you are not around. This is what these duplicitous people do, they jump from one to the other. They think what you don't know won't hurt you. The problem is always their nature. It's in their nature.

Go out and date, it's a big bright would out there, with lots of women who have self respect and honer enough not to have threesomes in their house where their husband and children live. They are beautiful too.

I mean seriously dude what's it gonna take, her trying to kill you for you to get it, that would be the only thing that's worse? All because she is pretty. How many men get abused because the chick was pretty. Probably why you didn't see her for who she was in the first place.

Are you really going to be the guy who stayed with his wife who had at least one threesome in his house, that you know of? Are you going to be that guy? I mean really go take some dog crap and put it in your bed and sleep next to it in your life every day and you will still have a better life then living with that person.

Jessh.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Does she understant you have her 3some in your bed on video? When she says anything about a reconcile i would show her the video and then ask her to tell you how you are supposed to unsee that. I would have sent her a copy and said here is a fond memory for your video scrapbook.


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## TDSC60

Broken,

Did she have any other rodeos with threesomes or other males? I highly doubt that you caught her the one and only time she did this.


----------



## Matrix777

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


I’m so sorry to hear, you hold in there it will only get better. I find myself in the same position, with all of the evidence, the hurt, pain and tears it causes - cant put words to it. I am 5days into this ordeal, my heart is actually hurting it’s so bad. Only slept 3/72 hrs - can’t close my eyes with pouring out in tears. The wife try’s to comfort me but I feel she is dirty so won’t let her touch me. Eventually she gets tired and falls asleep whilst I live the nightmare. She has guilt but my heart tells me it’s because she got caught. I repeatedly questioned her and found contradictions and lies in her story. Eventually with the tactical and interview like talks over 4 days it came clear this was a 10month affair with her work colleague. Even got to the point where she had to admit she would have continued if I hadn’t had found the evidence. I asked myself how and if I could ever forgive her. I have been faithful for 18 years. We don’t have dependents but was destined to have a family - we met when we were really young. You love your wife and I still do too. We are both crushed, sounds like she is your universe too. Emotions will be on overdrive but acceptance is going to be so important so you can control this. I know its not easy but understanding why she done this to you is important too. What has happened to us is heartbreaking but you have to be strong. How do you feel, think 10years down the line. Can you forgive her over time? What impact does this have on your family? Finance? Your love and care for her? 
There will be many things we will both need to consider but accepting what has happened must come first. This may take a few months or longer but only then will you know if and how you can forgive her.


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## Kamstel2

I know this sounds odd, but congrats!

You decided what was acceptable and what you would never accept!

You stuck with your morals!!

You have jettisoned a poison from your life. You refused to eat that sh it sandwich that she prepared for you. 

And even though the kids may hurt in the short term, in the long term they will see you as a strong moral person. And they will hopefully remember how you stood strong in face of the hurricane and came through it well.

tomorrow is the second anniversary of my divorce. The ex begged for a second chance ever since I had her served (she didn’t suspect I knew). She begs more so whenever I’m not dating anyone. But what she doesn’t understand Is that what she did is simply a dealbreaker for me. She showed that she neither loved nor respected me. How could she and still give herself to another man??? And I certainly would never trust her again unless I have a heart monitor and gps strapped on to her at all times! It certainly isnt the type of relationship/marriage I’m interested in!!!

so, congratulations in starting your new life. It seems as if things are going the right way for you!
Good luck, and stay strong!!!!


----------



## Tempocontour

How's the separation going?


----------



## bandit.45

Has she undergone any therapy or counseling to understand why she chose to blow up your marriage? Did you know she had bisexual tendencies when you married her all those years ago or did you not find out until you saw the video?


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi All,

Separation is going as well. We should be legally separated before Christmas. We have been put into another full-scale lockdown due to Covid until early December so this has slowed things down, but everything has been agreed and house sold. All assets split also so basically just need to get papers signed and made official. Once that is done, I just have another 3 years to go before divorce!!!
Not so soon to be ex-wife (NSSTBX) was still trying to talk about getting back together, I shut her down every time. I have told her she needs to stop for the sake of the kids and being good co parents and if she kept pushing, I would go NC except for issues regards our kids. She has stopped but I will not hold my breath just yet. (although something has come up, see further below)
She has been going to IC since dday and has asked me to join her in one of her sessions as the therapist would like to meet me. I have declined so far as I do not see what good will come of it.

Kids are doing great and have settled in quite quickly to their new homes/routines/school. Have new friends too which I am really happy about. We have agreed on 50/50 custody with 1st choice for taking kids if the other parent needs to be away for work etc. She has been asking about Christmas arrangements, I was offering some options, but she wants to this Christmas together as a family, I am hesitant to say the least. I have told her I am a little uncomfortable with this and do not want the kids (and her) getting the wrong idea. She said she understood but asked me to think about it. On 1 hand I don’t want to, we are not a family anymore she saw to that. On the other hand, these are my children and the thoughts of our 1st Christmas not together is really killing me, so I am unsure what to do. If I do agree I would make sure we are not alone, My Dad will most definitely be there and I may get her sisters family up. (Her sister has been been very vocal about siding with me on this but they are sisters and are still very close) and our kids love each other so that is a possibility.
To be honest I will have my NSSTBX in my life forever with our kids, but I want to make the next 3 years as easy on me as possible. So far she has agreed to everything in regards to the separation and except for the “I want us to stay together” and “I will always love you” remarks which bother and like I said shut down just as fast. We have been friendly towards each other. 3 years is a long time and I guess I am just waiting for the day she turns nasty, but again I have seen no hints of this.

Bandit 45
Early in our relationship, with a few drinks on us the topic of past relationships came up. I had been with a few women, nothing too crazy. She had a few relationships also but admitted to having threesomes in college a few times. I asked then was she bisexual, she said no, just enjoyed the sex and it was fun etc.. She asked would I ever be interested. I was honest and said I was a red blooded male of course the idea of being with 2 women was a huge turn on, but also said I could not do a threesome with her and another man (hypocritical I know) and I would never expect or ask for one with another woman. She said she felt the same, The idea of me with another woman made her jealous. So that was that. Never came up again and didn’t give it much thought.
After DDay I brought up this conversation up, and in-between bursts of anger and crying asked had she been with her female AP while in college, she admitted to this and said the threesomes were with her too. I said too!!!???? So you were just with her alone too? She knew she slipped up and admitted to sleeping with he AP in college on and off for a few years, usually when intoxicated, but still would not say she was bisexual when I confronted her on it, however after a few IC sessions she has agreed with the therapist and told me she may have some bisexual tendencies, but would never want a relationship with a woman!! No idea what that means to be honest. Happy to be married to me and cheat on me with a woman?? Never mind the male AP!!! Maybe that’s why she wants me to go to see her therapist, to get this out there?

That’s it for now, I think. Still on the very long road to divorce. A long way to go. I know I don’t post much, But I do appreciate all of your feedback and have read everything.
I will keep you updated as soon as anything important comes up and will try to answer any questions.

Not so Broken 😊


----------



## syhoybenden

Stay strong.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You’re doing good! My opinion... say no to seeing her therapist and no to her farce of a family Christmas together. She threw all of that away, so she can suck it up and figure it out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded

What it sounds like she’s saying is that she wants to be able to have sex with her college AP whenever she feels like it but she doesn’t want a relationship with her — she only wants that with you. As to the therapist, there’s no reason for that so the answer should continue to be no. As to Christmas, only possibility is with lots of family around, so no to just you, her, and the children. You’ve got a very long way to go until you can divorce her so she feels time is on her side to get you back. And she’ll keep trying.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

So sorry you have to struggle with this. I mean, what she did is just not acceptable. If you want to reconcile, you will have to find a way to forgive, and I think the only way to do that on something this bad is if you truly just understand her so well that you understand why she did it and accept that. I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying you can't stay if you can't forgive her, and that is a tall mountain to climb that asks too much of you. Also, if you do understand why she did it to the point you can forgive it, what is to stop her from doing it again or you feeling like doing something similar? To me, she doesn't sound like a person who needs to be married, straight up.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

And I have to say, her bringing that over to the family home -- if she's single and has the kids part of the time, can you trust her not to bring strangers over? I know she has a relationship with the woman, but you don't want strange men in the house when kids are there.


----------



## QuietRiot

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Separation is going as well. We should be legally separated before Christmas. We have been put into another full-scale lockdown due to Covid until early December so this has slowed things down, but everything has been agreed and house sold. All assets split also so basically just need to get papers signed and made official. Once that is done, I just have another 3 years to go before divorce!!!
> Not so soon to be ex-wife (NSSTBX) was still trying to talk about getting back together, I shut her down every time. I have told her she needs to stop for the sake of the kids and being good co parents and if she kept pushing, I would go NC except for issues regards our kids. She has stopped but I will not hold my breath just yet. (although something has come up, see further below)
> She has been going to IC since dday and has asked me to join her in one of her sessions as the therapist would like to meet me. I have declined so far as I do not see what good will come of it.
> 
> Kids are doing great and have settled in quite quickly to their new homes/routines/school. Have new friends too which I am really happy about. We have agreed on 50/50 custody with 1st choice for taking kids if the other parent needs to be away for work etc. She has been asking about Christmas arrangements, I was offering some options, but she wants to this Christmas together as a family, I am hesitant to say the least. I have told her I am a little uncomfortable with this and do not want the kids (and her) getting the wrong idea. She said she understood but asked me to think about it. On 1 hand I don’t want to, we are not a family anymore she saw to that. On the other hand, these are my children and the thoughts of our 1st Christmas not together is really killing me, so I am unsure what to do. If I do agree I would make sure we are not alone, My Dad will most definitely be there and I may get her sisters family up. (Her sister has been been very vocal about siding with me on this but they are sisters and are still very close) and our kids love each other so that is a possibility.
> To be honest I will have my NSSTBX in my life forever with our kids, but I want to make the next 3 years as easy on me as possible. So far she has agreed to everything in regards to the separation and except for the “I want us to stay together” and “I will always love you” remarks which bother and like I said shut down just as fast. We have been friendly towards each other. 3 years is a long time and I guess I am just waiting for the day she turns nasty, but again I have seen no hints of this.
> 
> Bandit 45
> Early in our relationship, with a few drinks on us the topic of past relationships came up. I had been with a few women, nothing too crazy. She had a few relationships also but admitted to having threesomes in college a few times. I asked then was she bisexual, she said no, just enjoyed the sex and it was fun etc.. She asked would I ever be interested. I was honest and said I was a red blooded male of course the idea of being with 2 women was a huge turn on, but also said I could not do a threesome with her and another man (hypocritical I know) and I would never expect or ask for one with another woman. She said she felt the same, The idea of me with another woman made her jealous. So that was that. Never came up again and didn’t give it much thought.
> After DDay I brought up this conversation up, and in-between bursts of anger and crying asked had she been with her female AP while in college, she admitted to this and said the threesomes were with her too. I said too!!!???? So you were just with her alone too? She knew she slipped up and admitted to sleeping with he AP in college on and off for a few years, usually when intoxicated, but still would not say she was bisexual when I confronted her on it, however after a few IC sessions she has agreed with the therapist and told me she may have some bisexual tendencies, but would never want a relationship with a woman!! No idea what that means to be honest. Happy to be married to me and cheat on me with a woman?? Never mind the male AP!!! Maybe that’s why she wants me to go to see her therapist, to get this out there?
> 
> That’s it for now, I think. Still on the very long road to divorce. A long way to go. I know I don’t post much, But I do appreciate all of your feedback and have read everything.
> I will keep you updated as soon as anything important comes up and will try to answer any questions.
> 
> Not so Broken 😊


I’ve had the same thoughts about Christmas and holidays. 
I just don’t want to make my kids choose, feel forced into or feel like they are missing a parent for the holidays. My comfort is not even a question in comparison to theirs so I’ll do whatever I have to. But who knows what the future will bring. Obviously many many things could change for next year and beyond.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve had the same thoughts about Christmas and holidays.
> I just don’t want to make my kids choose, feel forced into or feel like they are missing a parent for the holidays. My comfort is not even a question in comparison to theirs so I’ll do whatever I have to. But who knows what the future will bring. Obviously many many things could change for next year and beyond.


This is my thinking also. This will most likely be our last Christmas together as a family unit,but I really do not want to be alone with her. She has stopped asking about reconciliation and the I love yous, sorrys, etc. But who knows how long that will last. This is why I. Thinking of inviting her sisters family. My dad would also be there. 
Kids would get a great Christmas and I would have the safety of other people around. I still have not agreed to it but may go with this option or a no deal.


----------



## QuietRiot

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> This is my thinking also. This will most likely be our last Christmas together as a family unit,but I really do not want to be alone with her. She has stopped asking about reconciliation and the I love yous, sorrys, etc. But who knows how long that will last. This is why I. Thinking of inviting her sisters family. My dad would also be there.
> Kids would get a great Christmas and I would have the safety of other people around. I still have not agreed to it but may go with this option or a no deal.


Definitely do what makes things more comfortable for you, I think filling your house with family is a great idea. It’s really sad I just want the holidays over with. It’s usually my favorite time of year. 
2020 is extra special for those of us going through this crap in addition to the regular dumpster fire of a year.


----------



## badkarma2013

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


It will take take years to even look at recovering ...if Ever...I could not live with my WWs betrayal ....
It was her Boss...i Napalmed his wife with the Photos.....posted them on her friends Facebook pages...they them them down Quick but not before damaged was done and showed them to her family...and basically destroyed her career..

I burned Everything to the ground...Everything....and Never looked back...Remember all Faiths require us to Forgive ...All faiths..BUT NOWHERE does it say i Must have reconciliation...

Thought for the day"Do not confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation for they are NOT the same thing."


----------



## Buffer

Sounds like the better of the two options.
One day at a time.
Buffer


----------



## Kamstel2

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Kamstel2 said:


> Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


Hi Kamstel,

Not much of an update, separation should be finalised this week. It was delayed due to covid restrictions over the whole country but they have been lifted somewhat so I was told to expect to formally sign later this week. 

WW (Seriously what should I call her if I cannot even divorce for another 3 years!!) has been relatively quiet. Other than talking about issues in regards to the kids she has not kept in contact too much, And if it is just a random text I do not answer. 
We will be spending Christmas as a family with my Dad and SIL family so it may be a little awkward but I am doing it for my kids. I told her we will not be spending any time alone and asked her not to drink (I will also not drink ) as I do not want any "accidents or "mistakes". She agreed.

That's really it for now, I will update more if I get the separation signed off. 🤞🤞🤞


----------



## MattMatt

@Brokenheart 2020 Remember we will be here for you.


----------



## Kamstel2

Sounds like you are doing a great job with everything that she has done.

As to what call her, how about STBX?(soon to be ex). Yes, I know it is 3 years, but it is better than WW


----------



## oldtruck

Kamstel2 said:


> Sounds like you are doing a great job with everything that she has done.
> 
> As to what call her, how about STBX?(soon to be ex). Yes, I know it is 3 years, but it is better than WW


no to the above. it withholds the reason why they are separated
and divorcing. 

better to just add the letter X or ex.
as in XWW or exWW.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi All,

Well it's done. We are legally separated. We both signed off on it last week. Her sister came with her. When we got outside she broke down, Apologising over and over. I don't know why but I felt sorry for her. I went over and hugged her her. I just said I needed to do this. I may be able to forgive in time but I will NEVER forget.
Again I stated we need to be the best parents we can be for our kids. She kept saying sorry, She knows she Fd up.

I let her go, told her to go with her sister and take some time to reflect and I would be over to pick the kids up Sunday.

I got to my car and everything came rushing at once, Her cheating, the break up of my family my kids lives changed forever, and I just ugly cried for what felt like hours. I booked a hotel room, bought a large bottle of Jameson and proceeded to get wasted. She was texting and calling,I just turned my phone off and wallowed and cried some more.

Woke up the next day feeling like **** but better emotionally. Still hurting but dealing with it as best I could. (IC appointment later today should be fun!!!) Turned on my phone to a ton of messages. I deleted them all without reading.(Thankful I turned my phone off, Im sure I would have told her to come over in my drunken state)

These thoughts were getting to me and I could feel my anger rising and didn't want to go down that path. So just went about the rest of my week and wknd trying to keep myself busy. I picked the kids up Sunday with my dad and we were going to go out to our local park and get something to eat later, She started asking me why I had my phone off and that she was worried, and still cared.
Im not proud of it but I lost it. I asked my dad to load the kids into the car and just let it all out. I tore her to shreds (not raising my voice, didn't want the kids to hear) but I had a lot of venom in my tone and words. Why would I be ok with the breakup of my family, Her tearing my heart to shreds and stomping all over it. Destroying me. Did she care when she was f*****g those other 2 people in our home??? you get the idea. I went on for about 10 mins, until my dad called me. I think he knew I had to get it off my chest. She was again in tears and apologising for everything. I got myself composed told her I had to go. My dad went up to her hugged her and said something and came back to the car. 

I rang her sister and told her what happened and she should call her. Spent the rest of the day with the kids and my dad. He just asked if I was ok, I said no but I would be. I didn't ask what he had said to her, I didn't really care. He loved her like a daughter and she will always be his grandkids mother so he will always be talking to her. I'm ok with that. He knows I had to do what I did and agrees what she did was the worst kind of wrong, but still cares for her. 

I did end up texting apologising for the way I let loose with my outburst but that it needed to be said. She just said she understood and it was ok. 

So that's where I am for now. 
3 years and counting....................


----------



## bandit.45

It will get better with time. She'll move on, just keep moving forward.


----------



## Kamstel2

Seems to me that you handled it perfectly. You told her what you needed to say, and more importantly, what she needed to hear. And most importantly, you did it in a manner that the kids didn’t hear anything.


----------



## Openminded

You did good. She’s not going to stop trying so you’ll have to remain strong.


----------



## ABHale

I have never and will never see the need to apologize for letting someone know exactly how much they f’ed up.

Your “letting loose” should have happened a long time ago. Don’t feel bad about it, like you said it needed to be said.

Great job not letting the kids hear it.


----------



## QuietRiot

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Well it's done. We are legally separated. We both signed off on it last week. Her sister came with her. When we got outside she broke down, Apologising over and over. I don't know why but I felt sorry for her. I went over and hugged her her. I just said I needed to do this. I may be able to forgive in time but I will NEVER forget.
> Again I stated we need to be the best parents we can be for our kids. She kept saying sorry, She knows she Fd up.
> 
> I let her go, told her to go with her sister and take some time to reflect and I would be over to pick the kids up Sunday.
> 
> I got to my car and everything came rushing at once, Her cheating, the break up of my family my kids lives changed forever, and I just ugly cried for what felt like hours. I booked a hotel room, bought a large bottle of Jameson and proceeded to get wasted. She was texting and calling,I just turned my phone off and wallowed and cried some more.
> 
> Woke up the next day feeling like **** but better emotionally. Still hurting but dealing with it as best I could. (IC appointment later today should be fun!!!) Turned on my phone to a ton of messages. I deleted them all without reading.(Thankful I turned my phone off, Im sure I would have told her to come over in my drunken state)
> 
> These thoughts were getting to me and I could feel my anger rising and didn't want to go down that path. So just went about the rest of my week and wknd trying to keep myself busy. I picked the kids up Sunday with my dad and we were going to go out to our local park and get something to eat later, She started asking me why I had my phone off and that she was worried, and still cared.
> Im not proud of it but I lost it. I asked my dad to load the kids into the car and just let it all out. I tore her to shreds (not raising my voice, didn't want the kids to hear) but I had a lot of venom in my tone and words. Why would I be ok with the breakup of my family, Her tearing my heart to shreds and stomping all over it. Destroying me. Did she care when she was f*****g those other 2 people in our home??? you get the idea. I went on for about 10 mins, until my dad called me. I think he knew I had to get it off my chest. She was again in tears and apologising for everything. I got myself composed told her I had to go. My dad went up to her hugged her and said something and came back to the car.
> 
> I rang her sister and told her what happened and she should call her. Spent the rest of the day with the kids and my dad. He just asked if I was ok, I said no but I would be. I didn't ask what he had said to her, I didn't really care. He loved her like a daughter and she will always be his grandkids mother so he will always be talking to her. I'm ok with that. He knows I had to do what I did and agrees what she did was the worst kind of wrong, but still cares for her.
> 
> I did end up texting apologising for the way I let loose with my outburst but that it needed to be said. She just said she understood and it was ok.
> 
> So that's where I am for now.
> 3 years and counting....................


I definitely lashed out several times and a lot more comes out than actually intended, and the vitriol too. But then the guilt comes afterward and that confuses me, because the anger is righteous and in reaction to what was done to my family and kids and my marriage... I mean the words pale in comparison to what caused them. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that all the emotions happen, including guilt and continued caring about the cheater. Just saying I can relate to everything you’ve stated.

You actually sound very strong and I respect that you can still have compassion and maturity while doing the right thing for yourself and your kids.


----------



## Galabar01

Good job and stay strong.


----------



## shortbus

Good for you, wish the best for you and your kids.
You'll heal now.


----------



## Harold Demure

You have behaved with great integrity throughout this process and should be more forgiving about yourself. She needed to hear the pain she put you through and I am glad she took it properly.

Why was she crying? Because she got caught? Because she has lost the comfort and safety that you provided? Would find it difficult to believe that she was really showing remorse for the right reasons.

From what has been said in earlier posts, I think she is in this for the long haul and will use time to try to restore the relationship. Will that be because she truly loves you or will it be for more selfish purposes? Given her history, I would sincerely doubt her ability, or desire, to be faithful. I think you know this already but it is worth remembering if, as others say, she tries to reconcile.

Wishing you all the very best for the future. Merry Christmas to you, your dad and kids.


----------



## Marc878

I think you’ll find going forward the less contact the better.
Why? This is the Quickest way to indifference . Once there you can have the life you deserve. Make no mistake. No one worthwhile is going to want an x in the mix. Your Kids will adjust.

good luck


----------



## Mr.Married

You have done absolutely amazing.

What you need is a cute girl to catch your eye... nothing serious.... just get your thoughts pointed in a different direction.


----------



## manfromlamancha

And lets face it, there is no shortage of cute colleens in good old Eire!


----------



## Kamstel2

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?


----------



## Chuck71

BH2020..... hows yousa doin?


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi Chuck,

Wish I could say I was doing well. A little bit has gone down since my last post.

So early Feb I got Covid, Living with my Dad I did not want to expose him and was looking for places to hold up, STBX offers her home. Kids would stay with my dad to limit exposure. I was hesitant but it was the best option with little notice.

Nothing happened, I was far too ill and STBX just left food and water outside my room and asked if I needed anything etc etc, After 2 weeks I was feeling better had the all clear. Things were ok between us. She never tried anything and I was surprised by it to be honest. I had been expecting some sort of pleading to get back together.

So if you remember in another post I was saying she was asking me to go see her her therapist with her a few times. Well I decided I would go if it would help her, kindness for kindness i thought. We were in a good position, Co parenting really well. I tell her if she still wants me to go I will go for 1 session and 1 only. She agrees and thanks me.

So appointment is set, I meet her there and go in and sit down. Pleasantries exchanged, and this is where it all goes to s***!!! Her therapist tells me my stbx has something she wants to tell me. Iook at her and only noticed then how nervous she looked. I swear I heard admiral akbar scream its a trap!! (Sorry for the star wars pun, May 4th and all that) .
Internally I am so wound up not sure what to expect, Try to look calm as I possibly could, So I just look at my STBX and wait for her to talk.

She starts with the I love you and never meant to hurt you but I want to be honest with you as you deserve it.

Yep guess how many other people there were and how long this was going on?? 7 other people (men and women) over the entire relationship. 1 night stands. couple of affairs lasting months. Couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was seriously lost for words. How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!! 
She said she came to realize she had a sex addiction and to the thrill of someone new. That she truly did love me and never meant to hurt me!! What the actual f***!! Once she was finished I sat there for what seemed like hours until the therapist asked if I was ok. I was so f******pissed but tried to stay calm. I stood up, Said thank you for being honest with me and walk out. They both called me back. I just replied. You are NOT my therapist so I will not be saying anything to you. Turned to my STBX and said. Do not contact me ever again unless it has to do with the children. You are dead to me. And walked out. I seriously do not even know how I got home.
That was early March, she tried to get in touch but I told her if she tries one more time a restraining order will be coming her way. She has stopped. When I do go to pick up or drop the kids off I just tell her anything that has happened or if they need anything. And vice versa. She looks terrible but no worse than me I suppose. 

Why do people do this. She could have been with as many people as she wanted. Why drag me into this. I feel like I'm back at square 1. I never saw any signs until the end. I am so emotionally messed up right now. I doubt myself in everything I do. 

So yeah lots more therapy for me and a lifetime of having her in my life no matter how little.


----------



## AGoodFlogging

Sorry man, that is really rough. Shame on the therapist for being complicit in such an ambush done purely for the benefit of your STBX.

That said, try and let the truth set you free. This woman was seriously ****ed up and never loved you in a away that had any real value to you. There is no need to pine for her or wonder about what might have been. She was never the wife you needed or deserved. Show her and everyone else that by living your best life without her.


----------



## aine

So sorry @Brokenheart 2020 but you will get through this. You are young and have a good life to look forward to. There will be a day in the future when you will have a true love with you, the pain will be a distant memory and having come through so much will look around you and be glad of your experiences for they will have made you into the man you are. 

Now things are very raw and your STBXW is selfish- selfish to the core, like all people with addictions. They never think of the damage or the consequences and are still looking for vindication. You can get through this.


----------



## Trident

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!!


I was married for 16 years. To a woman who had almost nothing when we met. I had just graduated from school as a young doctor and my career took off, I was making good money from the start. I left her in control of all the house finances, the checking and savings accounts, etc. I blindly trusted her, never even looked. And I'm a guy who is a good businessman, savvy, and financially responsible. 

We befriended a couple in the neighborhood and one night me and the guy were out to dinner and he says to me "Do you have any idea how much money your wife spends? My wife couldn't believe how much stuff she was buying, and offered to buy for her, and told her how much she buys for her (extended, loser, drug addicts on welfare) family. My wife declined but your wife was peristent saying how much money her husband makes so why not spend it". 

My eyes slowly opened and I started going through the accounts. How did I miss this? My relationship was a big f'ing lie as well. I know it's not as "bad" as being cheated on but it was a dealbreaker. Point being, we don't see what we don't WANT to see, it's called "denial" which is an evolutionary thing designed to protect us but more often it sets us up for more damage in the long run. 

Don't blame yourself for missing it. That's what human nature is all about my friend.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

BH2020, my heart goes out to you from this side of the ocean. You will bounce back from this and meet the woman you deserve. The best revenge is living well. Funny how the term "*****" has evolved to the term "sex addict" nowadays.


----------



## Openminded

You’ll never know if that number was real, or if anything she ever said was real, but hopefully you’ll find your own therapist and start working on letting it go. I think everyone who’s been married to a cheater often reviews their marriage, wondering what they missed and how they missed it. I know I do.


----------



## Harold Demure

OMG, unbelievable, just unbelievable. So sorry that she did this to you. Why has come clean all of a sudden? Was it to hurt you? Can’t really think of another reason. Is there a professional body that you can report the therapist to? At the very least, I would ask her about the complaint process to shake her up.

I would be mad but, grasping at straws, does the number really matter? Just one would have been enough. The other thing this does is just kill everything off.

Please don’t doubt yourself. Once again at this meeting, you conducted yourself with a great deal of integrity and you should be proud of yourself. You are doing a great job with your kids and putting your life back together. Your choice to rise above the latest news is absolutely the right one.

I’ll tell you what, you are a better man than me in the way you have dealt everything.


----------



## Tron

So sorry you had to go through all of that. It is like a new d-day with new revelations. 

Can't say it's a surprise though. Where there was 2 and a history of threesomes, there were likely to be others. Serial cheaters are often very good liars and broken inside. All you can do is shake your head and thank your lucky stars knowing that you are now out of her tornado and free to find someone else.

I don't agree with Harold that you should be angry with the therapist. If WW believes that she is an addict, then part of that process (see the tenets of AA, NA or SAA 12 step process) includes coming to grips with who you, "taking inventory" and then taking the steps necessary to deal with it, so you can heal. 

She never was who you thought she was and accordingly this was never about you. So, while this was dropped in your lap and may be a lot for you to deal with, thankfully the kids are yours and she is trying to get better and get healthy. It doesn't stem your shock and anger at this point, but over time you will let it go. Maybe a visit to an AlAnon meeting might. You may relate quite well to the other spouses of addicts in the group. 

go néirigh an t-ádh leat


----------



## QuietRiot

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi Chuck,
> 
> Wish I could say I was doing well. A little bit has gone down since my last post.
> 
> So early Feb I got Covid, Living with my Dad I did not want to expose him and was looking for places to hold up, STBX offers her home. Kids would stay with my dad to limit exposure. I was hesitant but it was the best option with little notice.
> 
> Nothing happened, I was far too ill and STBX just left food and water outside my room and asked if I needed anything etc etc, After 2 weeks I was feeling better had the all clear. Things were ok between us. She never tried anything and I was surprised by it to be honest. I had been expecting some sort of pleading to get back together.
> 
> So if you remember in another post I was saying she was asking me to go see her her therapist with her a few times. Well I decided I would go if it would help her, kindness for kindness i thought. We were in a good position, Co parenting really well. I tell her if she still wants me to go I will go for 1 session and 1 only. She agrees and thanks me.
> 
> So appointment is set, I meet her there and go in and sit down. Pleasantries exchanged, and this is where it all goes to s***!!! Her therapist tells me my stbx has something she wants to tell me. Iook at her and only noticed then how nervous she looked. I swear I heard admiral akbar scream its a trap!! (Sorry for the star wars pun, May 4th and all that) .
> Internally I am so wound up not sure what to expect, Try to look calm as I possibly could, So I just look at my STBX and wait for her to talk.
> 
> She starts with the I love you and never meant to hurt you but I want to be honest with you as you deserve it.
> 
> Yep guess how many other people there were and how long this was going on?? 7 other people (men and women) over the entire relationship. 1 night stands. couple of affairs lasting months. Couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was seriously lost for words. How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!!
> She said she came to realize she had a sex addiction and to the thrill of someone new. That she truly did love me and never meant to hurt me!! What the actual f***!! Once she was finished I sat there for what seemed like hours until the therapist asked if I was ok. I was so f******pissed but tried to stay calm. I stood up, Said thank you for being honest with me and walk out. They both called me back. I just replied. You are NOT my therapist so I will not be saying anything to you. Turned to my STBX and said. Do not contact me ever again unless it has to do with the children. You are dead to me. And walked out. I seriously do not even know how I got home.
> That was early March, she tried to get in touch but I told her if she tries one more time a restraining order will be coming her way. She has stopped. When I do go to pick up or drop the kids off I just tell her anything that has happened or if they need anything. And vice versa. She looks terrible but no worse than me I suppose.
> 
> Why do people do this. She could have been with as many people as she wanted. Why drag me into this. I feel like I'm back at square 1. I never saw any signs until the end. I am so emotionally messed up right now. I doubt myself in everything I do.
> 
> So yeah lots more therapy for me and a lifetime of having her in my life no matter how little.


I’m at a loss for words... wtf. I am so sorry that she did this to you, all of it.

I can’t help but wonder... what was her motivation for telling you this, at this point?!? Wow.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

QuietRiot said:


> I’m at a loss for words... wtf. I am so sorry that she did this to you, all of it.
> 
> I can’t help but wonder... what was her motivation for telling you this, at this point?!? Wow.


She did it to relived herself of the guilt she was carrying and didn’t give a damn that it was going to hurt him. Purely selfish motive. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## QuietRiot

3Xnocharm said:


> She did it to relived herself of the guilt she was carrying and didn’t give a damn that it was going to hurt him. Purely selfish motive.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That is sick. Absolutely no other word for it.


----------



## TXTrini

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi Chuck,
> 
> Wish I could say I was doing well. A little bit has gone down since my last post.
> 
> So early Feb I got Covid, Living with my Dad I did not want to expose him and was looking for places to hold up, STBX offers her home. Kids would stay with my dad to limit exposure. I was hesitant but it was the best option with little notice.
> 
> Nothing happened, I was far too ill and STBX just left food and water outside my room and asked if I needed anything etc etc, After 2 weeks I was feeling better had the all clear. Things were ok between us. She never tried anything and I was surprised by it to be honest. I had been expecting some sort of pleading to get back together.
> 
> So if you remember in another post I was saying she was asking me to go see her her therapist with her a few times. Well I decided I would go if it would help her, kindness for kindness i thought. We were in a good position, Co parenting really well. I tell her if she still wants me to go I will go for 1 session and 1 only. She agrees and thanks me.
> 
> So appointment is set, I meet her there and go in and sit down. Pleasantries exchanged, and this is where it all goes to s***!!! Her therapist tells me my stbx has something she wants to tell me. Iook at her and only noticed then how nervous she looked. I swear I heard admiral akbar scream its a trap!! (Sorry for the star wars pun, May 4th and all that) .
> Internally I am so wound up not sure what to expect, Try to look calm as I possibly could, So I just look at my STBX and wait for her to talk.
> 
> She starts with the I love you and never meant to hurt you but I want to be honest with you as you deserve it.
> 
> Yep guess how many other people there were and how long this was going on?? 7 other people (men and women) over the entire relationship. 1 night stands. couple of affairs lasting months. Couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was seriously lost for words. How did I miss all this. My whole relationship was a f***ing lie!!
> She said she came to realize she had a sex addiction and to the thrill of someone new. That she truly did love me and never meant to hurt me!! What the actual f***!! Once she was finished I sat there for what seemed like hours until the therapist asked if I was ok. I was so f******pissed but tried to stay calm. I stood up, Said thank you for being honest with me and walk out. They both called me back. I just replied. You are NOT my therapist so I will not be saying anything to you. Turned to my STBX and said. Do not contact me ever again unless it has to do with the children. You are dead to me. And walked out. I seriously do not even know how I got home.
> That was early March, she tried to get in touch but I told her if she tries one more time a restraining order will be coming her way. She has stopped. When I do go to pick up or drop the kids off I just tell her anything that has happened or if they need anything. And vice versa. She looks terrible but no worse than me I suppose.
> 
> Why do people do this. She could have been with as many people as she wanted. Why drag me into this. I feel like I'm back at square 1. I never saw any signs until the end. I am so emotionally messed up right now. I doubt myself in everything I do.
> 
> So yeah lots more therapy for me and a lifetime of having her in my life no matter how little.


Hi Broken,
I read your entire thread today, and your update. That ambush by Slutaholic Anonymous (I can't bring myself to connect her to you in any way with the other titles) & Asshole Enabler (therapist) was unconscionable and viciously cruel!



Openminded said:


> You’ll never know if that number was real, or if anything she ever said was real, but hopefully you’ll find your own therapist and start working on letting it go. I think everyone who’s been married to a cheater often reviews their marriage, wondering what they missed and how they missed it. I know I do.


You know, this is the very reason I didn't push for more information. I already knew my exH couldn't possibly love or even like me if he chose some ho's feelings over mine, his partner of nearly 20 years. 

Broken already decided he was done early on, so you know what? It really doesn't matter. Be glad you weren't stuck with that miserable failure of a human being longer than you were. Use this revelation to re-harden your heart and determination. It seemed like you were softening with time, so this might be a gift horse.

It still sucks though, and I'm so sorry you must start all over to deal again. Hang in there.


----------



## Sfort

QuietRiot said:


> That is sick. Absolutely no other word for it.


Agree with you and with 3X, but there might be one other explanation. She may have decided that her new-found honesty would appeal to him and help her get him back. That, too, is sick.


----------



## AGoodFlogging

Tron said:


> I don't agree with Harold that you should be angry with the therapist. If WW believes that she is an addict, then part of that process (see the tenets of AA, NA or SAA 12 step process) includes coming to grips with who you, "taking inventory" and then taking the steps necessary to deal with it, so you can heal.


Sorry, but the situation that OP was put in by STBX and her therapist was pretty much directly against step 9 of the 12 steps which explicitly states that attempts to make direct amends should not be attempted where they are likely to cause injury to the person. 

It is very clear that telling a betrayed spouse about multiple additional cases of infidelity is likely to cause harm to that person. To bring someone into that situation under false pretences (OP thought he was going to have a couple's counselling session) and remove that person's agency by just springing this major confession upon them is deeply troubling and shows a total lack of care for OP. STBX or her therapist should have informed OP about why he was being asked to come and given him a choice as to whether he wanted to participate.

To be honest I would be much more than angry at a therapist who did this to me. I would be complaining to their professional standards board.


----------



## Kamstel2

I don’t have to words to express just how sorry I am for you.

Like everyone before me, I just don’t understand the motivation, either her motivation or the therapist’s motivation!

ok, maybe they thought getting her to tell you would help make her feel better unloading any guilt she might feel, which after the 3rd person she slept with, I doubt there was any guilt. But the unloading of the weight of that guilt, or whatever, would be taken off her back, and dropped directly onto your back!!!! Can believe that the therapist didn’t think of the ramifications of doing such a thing!!!!!! People hurt themselves over news like this!!!!!

talk to your therapist about what her therapist did, specifically about the ethics of it. Maybe you can and should file a s complaint with her licensing board.

Broken, when you first found out, you were like a man standing out in the storm refusing to surrender to that storm. In that “therapy” session, you were man standing in front of a class 5 hurricane, and although you may have gone down on one knee, you refused to give up!!!! Good for you!!!!

continue to stand strong!!
Continue to be an example to your friends, family, and yes, even your children, on what a man should do and how he should behave when faced with such a disaster!

be strong!!
She has taken her best shot at you and you refused to surrender your morals.

I promise you will escape the hell that she had you in!!


----------



## Tron

AGoodFlogging said:


> Sorry, but the situation that OP was put in by STBX and her therapist was pretty much directly against step 9 of the 12 steps which explicitly states that attempts to make direct amends should not be attempted where they are likely to cause injury to the person.
> 
> It is very clear that _*telling a betrayed spouse about multiple additional cases of infidelity is likely to cause harm to that person*_. To bring someone into that situation under false pretences (OP thought he was going to have a couple's counselling session) and remove that person's agency by just springing this major confession upon them is deeply troubling and shows a total lack of care for OP. STBX or her therapist should have informed OP about why he was being asked to come and given him a choice as to whether he wanted to participate.


That is true, but is it very clear?

I honestly thought of that too before making the comment. 

But ultimately I believe it is one of those judgment calls. Her thought process could have concluded that the damage was already done and it was all there to see on video. What more damage could there possibly be by being honest and giving him the full picture. Especially if she had a sliver of hope for R. 

In R we always suggest being 100% honest so that the cheated on spouse knows what they are reconciling. That's what she did, purportedly.

I am not saying his WW is right or that the thought process is based in logic. 

As for the counselor...hopefully he/she didn't go along with it, while advising that this was the best way to bring the OP back to the marriage. Because that would indeed have been STUPID.


----------



## AGoodFlogging

Tron said:


> That is true, but is it very clear?
> 
> I honestly thought of that too before making the comment.
> 
> But ultimately I believe it is one of those judgment calls. Her thought process could have concluded that the damage was already done and it was all there to see on video. What more damage could there possibly be by being honest and giving him the full picture. Especially if she had a sliver of hope for R.
> 
> In R we always suggest being 100% honest so that the cheated on spouse knows what they are reconciling. That's what she did, purportedly.
> 
> I am not saying his WW is right or that the thought process is based in logic.
> 
> As for the counselor...hopefully he/she didn't go along with it, while advising that this was the best way to bring the OP back to the marriage. Because that would indeed have been STUPID.


But are we talking about reconciliation or an addict making amends? It can't be both. They are different and require different approaches.

The therapist has the professional duty of care here to ensure that harm is minimised. I would say that, as OP has reported it, there was some serious lapses in professional judgement to have supported STBX to go about it in that way with absolutely no scene setting or expectation management.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I don’t have any ill will for the therapist. They very well could have told her it was a bad idea and she insisted anyway. At least this way there was someone who could diffuse things if needed. Just because therapists give advice, doesn’t mean people take it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Harold Demure

Sorry, can’t agree about the therapist who was an active participant in the meeting that ambushed the OP. That person knew what kind of an effect the wife’s cruel action was likely to have on the OP and went along with it. The therapist gave no warning and did not make any attempt to set any context before the wife spoke. To be silent or to do nothing is to be as guilty as the perpetrator!

Not sure how she was going to diffuse things after the event. Anyone with less integrity than the OP could have reacted very badly to the news. They must have known there was a risk of aggressive behaviour or physical violence or IS THAT WHAT THEY WANTED TO HAPPEN SO THEY COULD GET THE OP INTO TROUBLE? 

She had the opportunity to either warn the OP or to shut down the meeting if she didn’t agree with the wife’s intentions. At best, very unprofessional, at worse, a nasty piece of work.


----------



## TAMAT

Broken,

Sorry for the news, but you at least got the truth or perhaps more of it and it makes your decision to divorce that much easier.

Take care of your kids, and get busy exposing the affairs to SOs of the affair partners.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi all,
Thanks for all the replies and words of encouragement.
I honestly thought we were in a good place co parenting wise. Not much arguing. I wasn't hateful or spiteful. I wanted us to able to co exist when it came to the kids with as little trouble or issues as possible. I really thought we were over the worst of it.
I was never going back. She knew that.

After the ambush there were a few heated exchanges. Mostly on my part. I told her she needed to find a new therapist because what happened was not right and no way they should have allowed that to happen. Even my own therapist was dumbfounded. 
I honestly thought I was helping her heal and help her move on. I thought It was going to be a long letter apologising etc. Instead I got another D Day and all the fun that comes with it. As for therapist I wasn't sure if they agreed to stbx telling me this or not. I just wanted to get out of that office. I was more angry with stbx, I asked multiple times if there was anyone else. I'm sure she lied to save herself, then decided or was told that giving me the whole truth was a way for both of us to heal. Maybe she thought I would forgive her and hug her and take her back with open arms!! 

Since then I'm just grey rock. I'll be civil. Talk about the kids when required and that's it. Any other texts are unanswered. I don't want her in my life at all but have to be happy with as little as possible.

There was someone I could see myself liking yo get to know better before all this. Not now, I need to work on myself a lot more now.


----------



## Openminded

Yes, I think she told you so you would be impressed with her honesty — just wipe the slate clean and start all over. Shows how little she knew you.


----------



## TXTrini

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all,
> Thanks for all the replies and words of encouragement.
> I honestly thought we were in a good place co parenting wise. Not much arguing. I wasn't hateful or spiteful. I wanted us to able to co exist when it came to the kids with as little trouble or issues as possible. I really thought we were over the worst of it.
> I was never going back. She knew that.
> 
> After the ambush there were a few heated exchanges. Mostly on my part. I told her she needed to find a new therapist because what happened was not right and no way they should have allowed that to happen. Even my own therapist was dumbfounded.
> I honestly thought I was helping her heal and help her move on. I thought It was going to be a long letter apologising etc. Instead I got another D Day and all the fun that comes with it. As for therapist I wasn't sure if they agreed to stbx telling me this or not. I just wanted to get out of that office. I was more angry with stbx, I asked multiple times if there was anyone else. I'm sure she lied to save herself, then decided or was told that giving me the whole truth was a way for both of us to heal. Maybe she thought I would forgive her and hug her and take her back with open arms!!
> 
> Since then I'm just grey rock. I'll be civil. Talk about the kids when required and that's it. Any other texts are unanswered. I don't want her in my life at all but have to be happy with as little as possible.
> 
> There was someone I could see myself liking yo get to know better before all this. Not now, I need to work on myself a lot more now.


Thanks for the update, I'll confess I was truly worried when I read your update. I can't imagine how that therapist thought that was a good idea, especially knowing you are legally tied to this miserable excuse for a human being for another few years.

I dealt with similar laws in my first divorce, so I really feel for you. I felt like my life was on hold, I went back to school and it really helped with the waiting. It sounds like you're busy handling your life and children, but it truly helps to have some sort of project (s) with achievable goals to count down with. Heck, I'm doing that again, that seems to help me set my mind in order! Anyway, please take good care of yourself, keep up with IC and keep us posted!


----------



## QuietRiot

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all,
> Thanks for all the replies and words of encouragement.
> I honestly thought we were in a good place co parenting wise. Not much arguing. I wasn't hateful or spiteful. I wanted us to able to co exist when it came to the kids with as little trouble or issues as possible. I really thought we were over the worst of it.
> I was never going back. She knew that.
> 
> After the ambush there were a few heated exchanges. Mostly on my part. I told her she needed to find a new therapist because what happened was not right and no way they should have allowed that to happen. Even my own therapist was dumbfounded.
> I honestly thought I was helping her heal and help her move on. I thought It was going to be a long letter apologising etc. Instead I got another D Day and all the fun that comes with it. As for therapist I wasn't sure if they agreed to stbx telling me this or not. I just wanted to get out of that office. I was more angry with stbx, I asked multiple times if there was anyone else. I'm sure she lied to save herself, then decided or was told that giving me the whole truth was a way for both of us to heal. Maybe she thought I would forgive her and hug her and take her back with open arms!!
> 
> Since then I'm just grey rock. I'll be civil. Talk about the kids when required and that's it. Any other texts are unanswered. I don't want her in my life at all but have to be happy with as little as possible.
> 
> There was someone I could see myself liking yo get to know better before all this. Not now, I need to work on myself a lot more now.


At the point you were at with your situation, any reason she chose to tell you all of this was 100% selfish. The only reason she should have told you this is if reconciliation were already on the table and she needed to come clean. 

I am really sorry this set you back. It was disgusting of her to do. And you were willing to eat a lot of **** to be a good co parent and amicable toward her... you’re repaid with this. Utter bull crap. 

Take a week and revisit your interest in the other person you were talking to? Maybe don’t write it off all together. This is a huge blow to anyone and maybe it’s just a setback and you can work through it with your therapist and some deep self reflection. Because at the end of the day, you are obviously a good and decent person and no amount of her dredging up history changes who you are. You deserve a lot better than this. Wishing you all the best.


----------



## aine

Trident said:


> I was married for 16 years. To a woman who had almost nothing when we met. I had just graduated from school as a young doctor and my career took off, I was making good money from the start. I left her in control of all the house finances, the checking and savings accounts, etc. I blindly trusted her, never even looked. And I'm a guy who is a good businessman, savvy, and financially responsible.
> 
> We befriended a couple in the neighborhood and one night me and the guy were out to dinner and he says to me "Do you have any idea how much money your wife spends? My wife couldn't believe how much stuff she was buying, and offered to buy for her, and told her how much she buys for her (extended, loser, drug addicts on welfare) family. My wife declined but your wife was peristent saying how much money her husband makes so why not spend it".
> 
> My eyes slowly opened and I started going through the accounts. How did I miss this? My relationship was a big f'ing lie as well. I know it's not as "bad" as being cheated on but it was a dealbreaker. Point being, we don't see what we don't WANT to see, it's called "denial" which is an evolutionary thing designed to protect us but more often it sets us up for more damage in the long run.
> 
> Don't blame yourself for missing it. That's what human nature is all about my friend.


It is almost as bad, look up 'financial infidelity.'


----------



## Taxman

aine said:


> It is almost as bad, look up 'financial infidelity.'


I deal with this regularly in my practice. My bf was a victim of his "rebound". She over the course of six months drained his bank accounts, then maxed his CC's. (she was covering her tracks by losing mail-before electronic banking) When (guess who?) did the confrontation, she locked herself in their bathroom and downed a bottle of pills. Paramedics were called and she was rewarded with a month on a psych ward. D proceedings were launched immediately. I contacted her mother, who admitted that her daughter had done this before. I respectfully requested that her family make him whole. (to avoid any legal entanglements-forgeries were made, and theft over $5,000 carries a reasonable stretch in the P4W) Took me a year, but her folks took a second on their home, and liquidated several of her possessions. I have heard, subsequently that she victimized the wrong guy, and she was doing a stretch in prison. My bf moved onto his lawyer's paralegal. That one stuck.


----------



## Trident

aine said:


> It is almost as bad, look up 'financial infidelity.'


If not worse. Yes I am painfully aware. Although I'd think if given the choice I still rather my exwife drain the bank account than the contents of some random guy's testicles.


----------



## Twodecades

@Brokenheart 2020, I'm so, SO sorry to read both your original posts and your recent update. The therapist should have known better. You should have been told before agreeing to the appointment that it was for further disclosure and given the _choice_ of whether or not you wanted to know more or participate, especially since your choices were taken away when you were cheated on. If they had truly cared about your healing at all, they would not have ambushed you. It must have felt like having the rug pulled out from under you all over again. I'm sure you already know this, but you deserve better.


----------



## Marc878

Sorry man but you handled a very bad situation as well as you could.

Smells like the therapist and your wayward thought this would be a good way to win you back. Honesty and play that Shes just a sex addict so all should be forgiven. Poor muffin has an addiction so she’ll work on fixing that and you can live happily ever after. Serial cheaters rarely stop without years of therapy. It’s a nightmare.

No contact is your best friend.


----------



## Marc878

Twodecades said:


> @Brokenheart 2020, I'm so, SO sorry to read both your original posts and your recent update. The therapist should have known better. You should have been told before agreeing to the appointment that it was for further disclosure and given the _choice_ of whether or not you wanted to know more or participate, especially since your choices were taken away when you were cheated on. If they had truly cared about your healing at all, they would not have ambushed you. It must have felt like having the rug pulled out from under you all over again. I'm sure you already know this, but you deserve better.


Yep, this was a ploy for the wayward to find a way back.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Trident said:


> If not worse. Yes I am painfully aware. Although I'd think if given the choice I still rather my exwife drain the bank account than the contents of some random guy's testicles.


If they have done one then they have most likely done the other. Same type of bird, so to speak.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Trident said:


> REDACTED


Let me correct that. Their moral terpitude makes them very capable of doing the other.


----------



## Kamstel2

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

hang in there. Continue to stay strong


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi all,

I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.

This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.

I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready. 
Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day. 

Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.

My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.

Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy. 

Thats it for now.........


----------



## TXTrini

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.
> 
> This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
> We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.
> 
> I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
> Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day.
> 
> Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.
> 
> My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.
> 
> Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.
> 
> Thats it for now.........


Hi Brokenheart2020, it's so good to hear from you, what a wonderful update! Niahm sounds lovely, patience and kindness are as I've discovered, a rare commodity.

The numbness is normal when you decide you want peace more than you want to be miserable. I still remember how that felt, and it was so freeing. I think it is the embodiment of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

You have accepted what you cannot change, you definitely have the courage and are changing what you can and you had the wisdom to know the difference. Stay strong, my friend. Love your kids and yourself, go to therapy and heal. Even if Niahm moves on, she showed you the possibility of what could be.


----------



## QuietRiot

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.
> 
> This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
> We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.
> 
> I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
> Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day.
> 
> Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.
> 
> My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.
> 
> Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.
> 
> Thats it for now.........


I really like that you are so in touch with your needs. That you can identify and feel pain but still understand that it’s an emotion and question the whys of how you feel.

I think numbness is a surprising but very common reaction. I often alternate between pain, anger, and numbness when things are really bad. I think when we get overloaded with too many negative emotions sometimes our brain shuts them off for awhile. Like an induced coma for trauma.

Your friend sounds like a really nice lady. And mature. It doesn’t sound like she’s going anywhere and I’m sure it won’t be so very long until you work through this, you seem so intuitive and insightful about your own needs. The birthday party will be rough on you, but I think your little girls joy and excitement about her day will help you. Good luck and stay strong.


----------



## Harold Demure

You are a good man who deserves the happiness that the long term is bound to give you.

Ham Sandwich have just announced their winter tour in December across a number of small venues in Eire. Now there is a great night out if you want somewhere to go with Niamh (coincidentally the singer’s name). Try the album White Fox.

Not thread jacking or advertising. Genuine fan of theirs and many of the songs on the album relate to the type of thing you are going through, not in a Leonard Cohen way 😄.


----------



## skerzoid

Brokenheart
2020

"*The* *opposite* *of* *love* *is* *not* *hate*, it's indifference. The *opposite* *of* art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The *opposite* *of* faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the *opposite* *of* life is not death, it's indifference." ― Elie Wiesel 

I think that you have reached the state of indifference. Its what you need to move on.


----------



## Taxman

Trickle truth killed any vestige of feeling may have been residual. Her therapist sounds like an idiot. One of my clients was systematically torn down by his ex’s affairs, and he had been the ultimate gentleman in not exposing her. Idiotically she too thought full disclosure might knock something loose. It certainly did. He became vocal. It started several weeks after his 3rd Dday. One of her gfs called him up to berate him for essentially ghosting his STBX. She got back, “Did you know what was going on behind my back?” Gf says no, I was told that you were argumentative and insulting. He then proceeds to tell about the three different men in their friends group. She stammers that she is sorry. Few hours later the same woman calls back. “I am so so sorry. She lied to everyone. I talked with two of the BW. They’re glad it’s out as someone had to tie a can to her tail. By that weekend his ex was blowing up his phone and email. “Was that really necessary? I mean nobody is talking to me. I lost every friend I had. I’m going to have to move away! “ Clientvtold her that his heart bled for her.


----------



## jlg07

For your little ones B-day -- just have a celebration with YOUR family and the kids. DO NOT include the STBXW. If SHE wants to celebrate the birthday, she can do it separately.


----------



## Evetheveeg

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


Omg I know the pain I just found out my husband wants sex with men Im a women I found the dirty emails and the way your expressing how you feel is what I feel now


----------



## sokillme

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I am ok, not great but better than I was. I did what QuietRiot said and took a week to myself and the other lady.
> 
> This woman ,I will call her Niamh (A nice Irish name ) Anyway, she is a family friend, I was in a friend group with her older brother and sister. She is a single mother now, (childs dad ran off when she got pregnant) never married.
> We had been getting closer the weeks leading up up to dday2 but when that happened I just her out. She had been calling and texting obviously worried about me.
> 
> I decided to tell her what happened a couple of days ago. I broke down in front of her. ( something I only ever did with my stbx. She was very supportive and just let me vent. I did tell her how I was feeling about her but with the way things are now I am just not ready.
> Her Response, She likes me and there is no rush, some things are worth waiting for and just make sure that when I feel ready to date , make sure her number is 1st on the list!!! So yeah my ego got a little boost that day.
> 
> Not much has changed with STBX, Not much communication unless it is about the kids. When I collect or drop the kids off, she definitely wants to talk but has never asked. I think she knows I will not even acknowledge her at this point.
> 
> My anger has gone, I'm done Like a switch has been turned off, . I just feel nothing when I see her. Is this normal?? I cant and don't want that negativity anymore. I just want to move on with my life as best I can.
> 
> Still a lot of therapy ahead, Also youngest birthday in a few weeks, need to figure out what we are going to do on the day but will sort something out I suppose. She is my little girl and I will do what I need to do to make her happy.
> 
> Thats it for now.........


I am going to tell you something that probably won't help you now but may help you later. Your ex-wife's brokenness probably effected every part of your entire relationship and you just didn't realize it. I suspect when you heal, and whoever you are with, you will be shocked at the way some things just come much easier and how much deeper the relationship can be. 

Think of your wife like a crack addict who hid it. If you think of that scenario do you really think that person would be a good spouse? It just doesn't work that way. 

I am telling you that not to make you feel bad, you shouldn't your ex was a fraud, you didn't have a chance which is not your fault. I am telling you to give you something to look forward to, to give you some hope, I don't think you really have an experience of how it can be with someone who is solid. Eventually you can look forward to that. Also you are not really losing something that was great, if anything this gives you a chance to have something good.


----------



## Harold Demure

Hi, how are you doing? Hope you are feeling better.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi Harold, 

I am ok, better than I have been at least anyways. Not much has been happening, I have been keeping my distance from STBX, More for my own mental health than anything else. I have been having my dad pick up and drop off the kids. I can't be around her right now. I have told her this by text, She just replied that she understood, apologised again and hoped we could be back on friendly terms someday. I never replied. My dad told me that she really does not look to good. Lost more weight and looks like she hasn't slept and has been been doing a lot of crying. I rang her sister and told her. I apologised for putting this on her shoulders but I just cannot be around my STBX right now. Her sister is very understanding and told me to look after myself 1st. 
As much as I hate my ex right now , she is the mother of our kids and they need her as much as they need me. Hopefully she will get the proper help (and a new therapist) but I need to look after me for now. 
Myself and Niamh are taking things slow, even though I had said I couldn't be with anyone right now we seem to be still seeing each other. see how things go down the line. 
Still nothing planned for my daughters birthday but I am going to have to bite the bullet at some stage and sort something with STBX. I will let you all know how that goes. 

Thats it for now. Thank you all again, I know I don't write much here but I really would be much worse off without your help and guidance.


----------



## Trident

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> I can't be around her right now.


You're handling things well but I don't even think I'd have said that much to her. I'd probably just say "I've got no interest in being in the same room with you". It's a subtle difference, puts you more "in control".


----------



## jlg07

For your D's birthday, why don't YOU plan something with the kids just YOU and them. If your wife wants to celebrate, she can do that herself.


----------



## Marc878

You are doing as well as can be expected under these horrific circumstances. No contact will be great for your wellbeing.

The one thing you seem to have that many don’t is the ability to make a decision and not linger in limbo.

Indecision is a cheaters best friend and a betrayed worst enemy.


----------



## Harold Demure

Hi Brokenhear. How are things?

Hoping that no news is good news! 

Would be nice if you came back and were able to say things are just jogging along nicely and you have nothing to report.


----------



## skerzoid

You are doing yeoman's work in this. Being steady in your treatment of her is the only way she will get better. You are correct in that your children need a healthy mother, and as difficult as it is, you need to restore an amicable relationship for their sake.


----------



## Asterix

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> As much as I hate my ex right now , she is the mother of our kids and they need her as much as they need me. Hopefully she will get the proper help (and a new therapist) but I need to look after me for now.


She is indeed the mother of your kids, but she is not your responsibility anymore. It was a nice thing to do to let her sister know about this so that she can take care of it.

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you to let her know (or ask her sister to let her know) that she needs to make the kids health and wellness as her top priority and that you are concerned that she may not be fulfilling her responsibility properly.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi All. Sorry, for my delayed response. Being kept busy with the kids off school. 
I'm ok, still moving forward. Dealing with stbx as best I can. 
Daughter's birthday went well. I took the kids out together the day after her b-day. stbx was disappointed I wasn't staying for the day. As much as I wanted to say, yeah how do you think it makes me feel not spending the day with my daughter on her bday.
I just ignored her and apologised to the kids and said I would see them the following day. 

Day out went well. Still some lockdowns in place so brought them swimming and a movie. Then lunch at an American style diner my daughter likes. Brought kids back to my place for daughter s gifts she loved them. Brought kids back to stbx later that day, gave kids hugs told them I loved them and they went in. Stbx tried some small talk, but I just shut it down. I told her all I want to talk about is anything related to the kids. Apologies came again, with tears. 
I really do believe that she is remorseful, but too little too late as they say. 

That's it for now. No big updates. Taking the kids away to a forest resort in a few weeks. They enjoy outdoors stuff so hopefully we will have some decent weather. 

B.


----------



## Galabar01

Hi Brokenheart. Where is the current timer for the divorce countdown?


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

H


Galabar01 said:


> Hi Brokenheart. Where is the current timer for the divorce countdown?


Hi Galabar,
Unfortunately I have a bit of a way to go. I need to be separated for 2 out of 3 years before I can file. I am currently in year 2 so sometime in 2023 is my target. Divorce laws here are a joke, but it used to be you need to be separated 4 out of 5 years so not as bad now. I say stbx because I have no idea what else to say!!!
My biggest fear is she will not agree when the time comes to sign. Like some of you said here I really do believe when we met with her therapist and the other affairs came out she honestly thought it would help me heal and maybe get us back together down the line, Of course it had the opposite effect and I think it has finally hit her that I am done. during 1 of our arguments (well me screaming, her taking it) after that meeting I said to her, " I don't understand, I am giving you what you want, You can go screw whoever you want without fear of being caught, Just don't do it with the kids home. This was the only time she got angry and screamed back that she never did and would never do that with the kids home, then went back to being timid and silent.

She has lost weight (which she didn't need to lose) looks 10 years older. like she has not had a full nights sleep in months. 
I am worried about her, for our kids sake not mine. She loves them and is a great mother but she needs to be physically and mentally able and I can see cracks. 
She has gotten a new therapist so hopefully that will help her. (Can't be any worse than her last one to be honest) 

So, yeah I have a long way to go but each day is a day closer. My good days outweigh my bad so I will keep moving forward. 
B.


----------



## Beach123

She’s not a good mother if she did this to her family/kids.
She ruined their whole world. That’s not a good mother.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Beach123 said:


> She’s not a good mother if she did this to her family/kids.
> She ruined their whole world. That’s not a good mother.


I don't understand why some betrayed husband's cannot get this simple truth through their heads.


----------



## Evinrude58

Good luck getting rid of your **** queen.
She is going to be hard to get away from I suspect. She likes hAving you around for a security blanket.


----------



## AGoodFlogging

@brokenheart I see your national flag and wonder if the laws in Eire are similar to the UK on this in that it takes much longer if the divorce is contested but it can be granted without the agreement of both parties?

And I have to say that, objectively she is not going to be winning any mother of the year awards any time soon. I know that is tough to hear but you need to really try and be more objective about her, for your children's sake.


----------



## Galabar01

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> My biggest fear is she will not agree when the time comes to sign.


What is the worst case if she contests the divorce? Also, 2 out of 3 years is crazy... insane... I wish you luck, strength, and hope.


----------



## Asterix

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi Galabar,
> Unfortunately I have a bit of a way to go. I need to be separated for 2 out of 3 years before I can file. I am currently in year 2 so sometime in 2023 is my target. Divorce laws here are a joke, but it used to be you need to be separated 4 out of 5 years so not as bad now. I say stbx because I have no idea what else to say!!!
> My biggest fear is she will not agree when the time comes to sign. Like some of you said here I really do believe when we met with her therapist and the other affairs came out she honestly thought it would help me heal and maybe get us back together down the line, Of course it had the opposite effect and I think it has finally hit her that I am done. during 1 of our arguments (well me screaming, her taking it) after that meeting I said to her, " I don't understand, I am giving you what you want, You can go screw whoever you want without fear of being caught, Just don't do it with the kids home. This was the only time she got angry and screamed back that she never did and would never do that with the kids home, then went back to being timid and silent.
> 
> She has lost weight (which she didn't need to lose) looks 10 years older. like she has not had a full nights sleep in months.
> I am worried about her, for our kids sake not mine. She loves them and is a great mother but she needs to be physically and mentally able and I can see cracks.
> She has gotten a new therapist so hopefully that will help her. (Can't be any worse than her last one to be honest)
> 
> So, yeah I have a long way to go but each day is a day closer. My good days outweigh my bad so I will keep moving forward.
> B.


Anytime you feel sympathy and pity towards her, I'd suggest that you remember the video that you recorded of her and her friends. Also remember the confession at the therapist's office that told you the full extent of the affair. Also, remember that this is the person that lied to your face every single day till you found out and then some more. 

I'm not sure if she deserves your sympathy. If she is unfit to fulfill her role as a mother, you can petition to get full custody. As others here mentioned, she is not a good mother to the kids. Tell her why if she has not realized it by now.


----------



## Kamstel2

Just checking in on you.
How are you doing?

hang in there


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi All,

Sorry I haven't replied in a while. It's been a rough couple of months. Where to start.

Things have been going ok until about a week after my last post, I go to collect the kids as usual, STBX asks to talk, I really don't want to but tell the kids to go get ready and tell her to come outside. (Dad was with me, I will not be alone with her anymore) She tells me the kids have been talking about my new "friend" and wants to know if I am seeing her.
Seriously I didn't know whether to laugh or tell her to mind her own f****ing business!!! In the end I went for both and told her yes I am seeing someone and it doesn't concern her anymore. She got mad and said as their mother she has a right to know who her children are going to be with........ yep.....
I just asked was she that concerned when she was bringing people into our home to f**k them??? She of course gets upset. Dad intervenes and says that this convo is over and we can try again another time. I take the kids and leave.

Fast forward to early late Aug , I am returning the kids, We haven't really talked since our last "discussion" unless it is about the kids. Says she needs to tell me something, We sit down (Dad too) and tells me she is pregnant, After what felt like hours I just blurted out congratulations. I honestly didn't know what to say. I then asked who the father was, She didn't know. Apparently the evening we had our argument she decided to go out with some friends, They met some guys at a restaurant went back to their hotel and yeah.... ONS with no details of who the guys are, They are not local and no details exchanged. I was honestly confused, Like why is she telling me this? So I ask, She starts crying saying she has f***ed everything up, She doesn't know what to do. It was a mistake, after our argument she was just upset, sad, angry with herself. Reality was finally hitting her that I was moving on with someone new. She just wanted to drown her sorrows and never meant for this. At this point she was in hysterics. I asked dad to take the kids home and I would follow later. 

I got her calmed down, talked some more about what she wants to do. I called her sister up and she was shocked. She could not come down to see her sister as she had her own family to take care of. I asked her if there was anyone who could come over and stay with her and we called a friend from her work, she came over and I left. My mind was racing, I knew she would keep it, Will she use this pregnancy to lure me back in if so how? It's not the baby's fault and my kids will be it's siblings. A million thoughts running through my head, Why me, What did I do in a past life to deserve this ****.... 

This is turning into a novel, Lots more happened, Niamh was worried about how our relationship was going, I am still very closed with my feelings, Dad had Covid (ok now, he was vaccinated but was was still very ill) Then 2 weeks ago I get a visit from the police, STBXW crashed her car into a tree while drink driving and she still has me as her primary contact. Thank god no one else was hurt. Kids were with me. Baby is fine, She has some serious bruising but nothing too bad.

I got to the hospital and when I knew her and the baby were going to be ok, I was so pissed. I called her out on what she was doing, why the f**k would she do this what was going on in her head. Tears flowing from her again, blaming herself for all this, self pity crap and I am sick of it. I know I am too nice for my own good but I cant seem to stop. I don't want to be with her anymore, I am really starting hate myself for wanting to help her. 

For now kids are with me until she recovers, Niamh has been my rock and I know i need to open up to her more, I still do not know why she is interested in me with this boulder hanging around my neck. Mentally I am a bit of a mess, IC is barely helping me anymore but I will continue to go

So yeah, Life is great/**** and everything in-between. I have left so much out but had to cut it out, This novel is getting way too long...


----------



## manwithnoname

Is the pregnancy story real? 

You are going to lose Niamh due to all this drama.


----------



## Harold Demure

Going to be harsh here but I think you need it.

Why the f*ck are YOU getting involved in all of this?

She is no longer your wife, you are not responsible for her and her actions.

The baby and her pregnancy has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, absolutely F*ck All. Why are you getting involved?

She has her own family who should be looking after her, not you.

Yes, you need to make sure your kids are well looked after but YOU are in serious danger of blowing your current relationship.

Why do you have to be the knight in shining armour all the time? Does it make you fell good about yourself because, if so, perhaps you may be better redirecting towards people who matter in your life such as Niamh.

Please spare us any rubbish about ”how you still care for her” or “you still love her” or “I can’t just walk away”.

What has happened to you? Don’t you remember the first d day when you found out about her affair and threesome, or the second d day when she told you about all the other affairs? You behaved admirably during that time, with strength and integrity. Go back and read your latest post and tell us that still applies!

I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself your priorities are your kids, you and your current relationship and that is all. If nothing else, just think about how your dad would feel if you took her back and started taking any responsibility for this baby. What would he think of you?

No more “talks” (boy did you get suckered in there), no more having you as her ‘go to’ guy, no more ‘running to her when things wrong’

MODERATORS, PLEASE DON’T DELETE THIS POST BECAUSE YOU MAY THINK IT IS TOO HARSH OR INSULTING. I HAVE WRITTEN THIS BECAUSE I THINK HE NEEDS TO HEAR IT AND BECAUSE I WANT TO REALLY HELP WITH WHAT I CONSIDER TO BE SOUND ADVICE DELIVERED IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER.


----------



## Evinrude58

You got yourself quite a woman there.
Doesn’t even know who the baby daddy is, drink driving, drama queen? Yeah, if you’re having anything to do with her you need to get some help for your own messed up thinking.
I hope the divorce process is not long so once started legally, you aren’t going to be held responsible for that baby.
Whew…… the force is strong in this one. Drama queen deluxe


----------



## Chuck71

BH2020........... Get the hell away from HER. Her life, her sexcapades, her unborn child is of NO

damn concern to you. You have your kids to look after, your dad, yourself. About your g/f, yes she

is being your rock but she is also observing how you are reacting to all these sh*t shows with your

STBXW. If you continue to let her drama encapsulate you, you will lose your g/f. Some females

like men who are drama centered, most don't. Your STBXW is gone, long gone. She's been gone

a long time. Forward ahead you move....


----------



## QuietRiot

The only reason you should care that she was driving drunk is that she is a danger to your children. She obviously doesn’t care about the baby she is carrying why would she care about the kids she has with you? Shouldn’t you be filing for full custody and supervised visitation so she doesn’t decide to drive drunk with your kids in the car?


----------



## rugswept

Kids. Your Kids. That's all I see in this story at this point.


----------



## Asterix

@Brokenheart 2020 from here onward, I suggest that request your dad to do the kids pick up and drop off.

If she wants to say something to you, she can pass on that message via your dad.

I think it's best if you go full no contact with her. As the pregnancy progresses, you are going to see more of this drama.

Can you use her reckless behavior to get full custody of your children?


----------



## Evinrude58

Getting drunk WHILE pregnant AND then driving. Gotta wrap my head around that one.
She is one messed up human with zero thoughts of others, even her own children.

The thought that people like this walk among us is scary.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Evinrude58 said:


> Getting drunk WHILE pregnant AND then driving. Gotta wrap my head around that one.
> She is one messed up human with zero thoughts of others, even her own children.
> 
> The thought that people like this walk among us is scary.


There are some truly ****ed up people in this world and she is among the top tier. No way I would want this woman anywhere near my kids.


----------



## Beach123

Get the divorce over ASAP! Make sure you get full custody of your kids! She isn’t safe with them!
Stop listening to HER drama! It’s not your problem anymore!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Asterix said:


> @Brokenheart 2020 from here onward, I suggest that request your dad to do the kids pick up and drop off.
> 
> If she wants to say something to you, she can pass on that message via your dad.
> 
> I think it's best if you go full no contact with her. As the pregnancy progresses, you are going to see more of this drama.
> 
> Can you use her reckless behavior to get full custody of your children?


ALL OF THIS!! ^^

You have GOT to get out of her life and stop running to her rescue! She fired you as her husband when she had sex with other people, so she needs to handle herself. Her baby and her issues are not yours to fix. As someone else mentioned, go for full custody of your kids and only supervised visitation for her. This is insanity. You’re damn lucky that girlfriend of yours is still around! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Asterix

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Well it's done. We are legally separated. We both signed off on it last week. Her sister came with her. When we got outside she broke down, Apologising over and over. I don't know why but I felt sorry for her. I went over and hugged her her. I just said I needed to do this. I may be able to forgive in time but I will NEVER forget.
> Again I stated we need to be the best parents we can be for our kids. She kept saying sorry, She knows she Fd up.


I went and read some of your older emails. Considering the previous posts and your post today, It looks like by now she has probably achieved mastery in being a ****-up.

This person is very unstable at this point and call be captain obvious, but I think thank she is a toxic person for you.

I really don't understand why she keeps apologizing and saying sorry at this point. Her saying sorry is not going to make you whole. I'd suggest that you tell her this following paragraph, in case if she's not aware of what her saying sorry is achieving:

Tell her that, *say she took a person named "marriage" out in the backyard and then shot that person in the head, right between the eyes. That body is lying down on the floor, and now she is saying "sorry, sorry, sorry....." over and over. Does she think that person will become magically alive if she says sorry enough number of times?*


----------



## Beach123

I’d use her latest car accident to show the courts she should NOT have any custody of the kids! If she has such little self control (and drives) she isn’t a good Mom and they shouldn’t be in her “care”.
She could seriously harm them. Set up supervised visits. That’s all. She doesn’t deserve to have them for one single full night!


----------



## Evinrude58

Lest we forget alcohol poisoning her own bsny


----------



## Galabar01

I'm new to this thread, but I just have to ask... What the F' is wrong with you?

Do not interact with her again. Do not risk your current relationship. Imagine how stupid you'll feel if you screw that up. Get full custody of the kids and report the wife to CPS for drinking and driving with the current pregnancy.

You are acting very stupidly right now.


----------



## Chuck71

Know this....... learn it........... LIVE IT! You have been her lifeline. End that YESTERDAY


----------



## Kamstel2

Think the time to bring the “no contact” to the next level. Tell her that she is to only contact you via text, and ONLY about the kids. Have Dad or some other family member or friend to pick up and drop off the kids.

don’t be afraid to open up with the new girlfriend. She already knows, she is just waiting on you to open up.

The STBX is a train wreck and she is only going to get worse. Her family needs to step up and help her. Your obligation to her ended when she first opened her legs for another guy.

is it possible to get full custody of your kids as your STBX is not in a good place to meet the needs of her children????

good luck and stay strong!

and remember, she fired you! You no longer have to worry about her. Remove her toxic life as much as possible.


----------



## Openminded

Maybe that’s just the “nice guy” in you, but you’re really asking for trouble with your interaction with her. Actually you’re not just asking for trouble, you’re begging for it. She’s toxic on a level that’s far beyond your ability to influence. Don’t be tempted. Just don’t.


----------



## rugswept

She has no one left to bail her out. Just you. 
Do the right thing for your children. 
There's a real chance for sole child custody in this one.


----------



## Talker67

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Sorry I haven't replied in a while. It's been a rough couple of months. Where to start.
> ....
> My mind was racing, I knew she would keep it, *Will she use this pregnancy to lure me back in if so how?* It's not the baby's fault and my kids will be it's siblings. A million thoughts running through my head, Why me, What did I do in a past life to deserve this ****....


gosh, i HOPE you are smart enough to not get roped in here!
having my ex get pregnant by some clowns she met in a bar would make here the most despicable person on the planet to me. how can you even THINK that that might "lure you back".

just treat her as if she has Ebola now.


----------



## Talker67

rugswept said:


> She has no one left to bail her out. Just you.
> Do the right thing for your children.
> There's a real chance for sole child custody in this one.


the SMART thing would be to talk to your lawyer about getting 100% custody of your kids! Let her worry about bringing up this new bastard on her own.

Arrested for drunk driving, pregnancy from a ONS in a bar (who was watching your kids that night?)....are excellent things for your lawyer to use.

If you get full custody of the kids, you will not need to interact with her ever again!


----------



## skerzoid

Why does her family not intervene? Are they all dead? She should be institutionalized. Read bobert's story. He is dealing with similar problems.

(4) The anniversary I've never wanted | Talk About Marriage


----------



## SunCMars

Talker67 said:


> the SMART thing would be to talk to your lawyer about getting 100% custody of your kids! Let her worry about bringing up *this new bastard on her own.*


The child is innocent, have mercy on it!!! 
With this woman as a mother, it will need all of our blessings.

Remember, it will be the 1/2 blood sibling to OP's other children.


_Lilith-_


----------



## Talker67

SunCMars said:


> The child is innocent, have mercy on it!!!
> With this woman as a mother, it will need all of our blessings.
> 
> Remember, it will be the 1/2 blood sibling to OP's other children.
> 
> 
> _Lilith-_


and i am pretty sure the county will provide foster care and adoption for it. 
why should the OP be saddled with yet another mouth to feed. Especially if every time he looks at the kid, he is reminded of his EX's cheating?

he is taking on raising two kids all on his own. Daycare alone for a 3rd kid would add what, $ fifteen thousand or more per year?


----------



## Divinely Favored

SunCMars said:


> The child is innocent, have mercy on it!!!
> With this woman as a mother, it will need all of our blessings.
> 
> Remember, it will be the 1/2 blood sibling to OP's other children.
> 
> 
> _Lilith-_


That is what a child born w/o a father is called. The word is for fatherless child. 

The child would be better off adopted out. As it grows up his half sibblings will be going to their dads for week and the child will have to remain home with mom. That is going to surely reinforce to the child they do not have a dad.


----------



## SunCMars

Divinely Favored said:


> That is what a child born w/o a father is called. The word is for fatherless child.
> 
> The child would be better off adopted out. As it grows up his half sibblings will be going to their dads for week and the child will have to remain home with mom. That is going to surely reinforce to the child they do not have a dad.


Sure, that is what _out of wedlock children_ are called.

But, everyone knows, that is a derogatory word in _today's_ world.
The child did not self-create, he/she had no hand in his/her making.

Why the hate?

You need to evolve, grow up, and join the _present _world.

I am not suggesting that OP raise this child, that obligation is on his mother.

Any kindness that he shows the child growing up is voluntary and will be remembered, fondly.

Kindness does not always spell out to be money spent.

If the child turns out to be a misguided brat, then I could see limiting any time spent with him/her.

Such selfish people seem to....do populate the world.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Brother, I get it. I understand your emotions are all over the place right now.

I’m not here to pile on you. You’ve got enough to take care of at this moment.

I want you to dig super deep here, push the emotions to the side and think logically.

you have an opportunity here to remove this cancer from your life for good. Get to your legal system immediately. Get some paper work going. I don’t know what it’s called in your country, but there can’t possibly be a legal system that would allow a parent to have children under their care when they are this reckless.

think about it: she is now on record being pregnant. She is drinking while pregnant. She is driving drunk - so she is putting herself in extreme danger with the drunk driving along with her unborn child. In addition, the unborn child is doubly in danger due to her drinking.

certainly your legal system can prove this in court to show she isn’t fit to be a mother? At least for now? I think you have a very strong case for full custody.

if you pull that off, you wont have to deal with her again.

I know your life has been upended. I know you can’t trust anyone. I get it. You’ve been given a second chance here with Niamh. Don’t throw it away. You’ve been also handed a gift here to remove your exwife from you life for good.

go get this done.


----------



## headbang

Holy ****, bro!

I can't even... "Threesome with OM AND OW!!!!" 

You need to cut that woman out of your life permanently. How can you even tolerate the stench? If she hasn't already she will probably do something soon that would make any judge consider her unfit for motherhood. 

I can't stress this enough: your kids might already have levels of trauma that will make their lives harder. Don't compound that by letting them live in the **** show that her life is.

Kids are educated by example.


----------



## Divinely Favored

SunCMars said:


> Sure, that is what _out of wedlock children_ are called.
> 
> But, everyone knows, that is a derogatory word in _today's_ world.
> The child did not self-create, he/she had no hand in his/her making.
> 
> Why the hate?
> 
> You need to evolve, grow up, and join the _present _world.
> 
> I am not suggesting that OP raise this child, that obligation is on his mother.
> 
> Any kindness that he shows the child growing up is voluntary and will be remembered, fondly.
> 
> Kindness does not always spell out to be money spent.
> 
> If the child turns out to be a misguided brat, then I could see limiting any time spent with him/her.
> 
> Such selfish people seem to....do populate the world.


You are sadly misguided. No hate here. Do not want to join the world...it is going to hell in a handbasket. Many people are too thin skinned and easily offended. There are alot of things that offend me but i dont ***** and whine about it. I limit my exposure to those types of people. 

He should show the child kindness when he goes to pick up his kids. It would be in the childs best interrest for her to give it up for adoption to two loving parents who want children, if she cant locate baby daddy to share custody with. If so he can go to the father when OP goes to collect his children for his time. 

The word is not derogatory...people use it in a derogatory manner.


----------



## Talker67

LATERILUS79 said:


> think about it: she is now on record being pregnant. She is drinking while pregnant. *She is driving drunk - so she is putting herself in extreme danger with the drunk driving along with her unborn child.* In addition, the unborn child is doubly in danger due to her drinking.


Let's not forget the OP's own two kids! She is certainly driving THEM around while drunk!


----------



## Kamstel2

How are you doing?

Hope you are doing well.

what do you think your plan should be moving forward?


----------



## Marc878

No contact is your best friend. You can’t fix her and I doubt she can either. Go for full custody. Protect your kids. You are the only sane parent they have.


----------



## Angel wings

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


Hello broken heart reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain and dam her for the lust she brought into your family but remember no one is perfect. The fact that you wana reconcile with her tell me you believe in God and you have Faith And Hope that you want to make your marriage work again. Time is the only drug than can heal you. Take it one day at a time. You did the ryte move to sleep in separate room and you need to forgive her and that take time. Do what you do everyday and invest your time in God and your kids. Let her see you are happy and remember your kids need you. I know you in pain but don't let the devil win by playing mind games with you. Listen to this song go on youtube search for it 


Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


----------



## Angel wings

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen





Angel wings said:


> Hello broken heart reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain and dam her for the lust she brought into your family but remember no one is perfect. The fact that you wana reconcile with her tell me you believe in God and you have Faith And Hope that you want to make your marriage work again. Time is the only drug than can heal you. Take it one day at a time. You did the ryte move to sleep in separate room and you need to forgive her and that take time. Do what you do everyday and invest your time in God and your kids. Let her see you are happy and remember your kids need you. I know you in pain but don't let the devil win by playing mind games with you. Listen to this song go on youtube search for it


Song by Yolanda Adam's (I will be ready)


----------



## Chuck71

Why should he R with someone who has screwed more people than the IRS?

Please tell me how much she thought of him while she was riding other ponies....


----------



## Angel wings

I read what you wrote and we all can't judge her.... Only God can and yes what she did was wrong but let him deal with it with a kind heart because he love her and sometimes God put us tru a storm to get the best results my dear.. We all went tru some storm in our life and believe you me it was not easy. I can read by ur reply someone hurt u also.. Am sorry you feel that way but am woman and I won't speak ill about her but can only prayer can help this lady.. Just remember she the wife.. Of this man going tru so much pai


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Angel wings said:


> I read what you wrote and we all can't judge her.... Only God can and yes what she did was wrong but let him deal with it with a kind heart because he love her and sometimes God put us tru a storm to get the best results my dear.. We all went tru some storm in our life and believe you me it was not easy. I can read by ur reply someone hurt u also.. Am sorry you feel that way but am woman and I won't speak ill about her but can only prayer can help this lady.. Just remember she the wife.. Of this man going tru so much pai


Omg stop. 

Maybe read the whole thread too. Sheesh. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chillidog

Angel wings said:


> I read what you wrote and we all can't judge her.... Only God can and yes what she did was wrong but let him deal with it with a kind heart because he love her and sometimes God put us tru a storm to get the best results my dear.. We all went tru some storm in our life and believe you me it was not easy. I can read by ur reply someone hurt u also.. Am sorry you feel that way but am woman and I won't speak ill about her but can only prayer can help this lady.. Just remember she the wife.. Of this man going tru so much pai


Here we go again.....


----------



## seadoug105

Angel wings said:


> I read what you wrote and we all can't judge her.... Only God can and yes what she did was wrong but let him deal with it with a kind heart because he love her and sometimes God put us tru a storm to get the best results my dear.. We all went tru some storm in our life and believe you me it was not easy. I can read by ur reply someone hurt u also.. Am sorry you feel that way but am woman and I won't speak ill about her but can only prayer can help this lady.. Just remember she the wife.. Of this man going tru so much pai


I would quote Jack but I would rather he said it himself!


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Angel wings, you might want to read a whole thread before posting. You sound ridiculous otherwise.


----------



## ABHale

Angel wings said:


> I read what you wrote and we all can't judge her.... Only God can and yes what she did was wrong but let him deal with it with a kind heart because he love her and sometimes God put us tru a storm to get the best results my dear.. We all went tru some storm in our life and believe you me it was not easy. I can read by ur reply someone hurt u also.. Am sorry you feel that way but am woman and I won't speak ill about her but can only prayer can help this lady.. Just remember she the wife.. Of this man going tru so much pai


It isn’t judging someone speaking the truth about them. God gave permission for divorce when infidelity was the cause. She has to be willing to change her ways, if she isn’t then no amount of praying will change her. That free will God gave us.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Angel wings said:


> I read what you wrote and we all can't judge her.... Only God can and yes what she did was wrong but let him deal with it with a kind heart because he love her and sometimes God put us tru a storm to get the best results my dear.. We all went tru some storm in our life and believe you me it was not easy. I can read by ur reply someone hurt u also.. Am sorry you feel that way but am woman and I won't speak ill about her but can only prayer can help this lady.. Just remember she the wife.. Of this man going tru so much pai


lol, the "wife" is a serial *****, a drunk and negligent parent. God can judge her as a single woman after OP divorces her.


----------



## Angel wings

Chillidog said:


> Here we go again.....
> [/





Tested_by_stress said:


> Angel wings, you might want to read a whole thread before posting. You sound ridiculous otherwise.


Keep urs clothes on okay am sorry🙈


----------



## Davit Bek

@Angel wings Being judgmental is rushing to judgment prematurely. He absolutely should judge her behavior and no more information is needed besides that she cheated. Please stop with the meaningless comments.


----------



## jonty30

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can tell that it ripped your heart out.


----------



## Harold Demure

Brokenheart, been a while since you posted.

Can see that you have been on the site and, given the extreme circumstances, getting worried about you.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi Harold,

I am still here, sorry there has been a lot going on. I came on to read all your responses while I could and before I could give a proper update

Angel Wings, There is no chance in hell I will ever get back with my ex. I would have a better chance of being kicked by a snake!!!!!

Anyway, The Exs family have gotten more involved with her, It seems there was a lot more going on than I 1st thought
when she found out I was dating Niamh. She confessed a lot to her sister who then got her parents involved, Sister wanted to tell me what I found out. I was going to decline, I didn't want more drama, But Niamh rightly pointed out that this could affect the children's lives so best to find out and have it on record. (She is good) I will not go into too much detail but drugs hook ups binge drinking. the works. This stopped when she found out she was pregnant. Go figure 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

She has gone to a rehab facility about 1.5 hours away and will then be staying with her aunt and her husband for the foreseeable future. I have full custody of the kids during this time with visitation for her every weekend. (This is not court ordered just myself and her family feels it is best but I am looking at my options here legally. Things are never easy here.

Kids are asking about their mum, I just told them she feeling unwell and they can see her soon.

So that's it for now, Good news overall,
🤞🤞🤞


----------



## LATERILUS79

BrokenHeart, I am so thankful that you still have Niamh in your life. You deserve it. I can’t imagine the hell you are going through. Great job being there for your kids.

so when she learned you were dating, that is when she lost her crap and started to do drugs, drink and hookup? I find that behavior so odd, but all of her behavior from the start seems crazy to me.

I understand your court system is not easy in these cases. Surely a rehab stay only further helps your case towards full custody?


----------



## Taxman

This is called circling the bowl. She is deteriorating, and I would not put it past her to try to get you to raise the new kid along with your own. Your discovery of her infidelity was the tip of the iceberg, and now that she knows that she has lost it all, watch for self destructive behaviors to begin to multiply. I would not be surprised if she gives up the new child for adoption, as after all, this is just the latest in a set of actions geared solely to the destruction of her life as she knows it. She has now lost you for good, she is now going to have a child without a discernable father, she has lost a lot of her friends and family. Yup. She is done, and given another five years, she will either be completely unrecognizeable or she will no longer be among us. This is the long slow exit. Starts with destruction of relationships, characterized by inappropriate and dangerous behaviors, and ends in a mental facility or graveyard.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

LATERILUS79 said:


> BrokenHeart, I am so thankful that you still have Niamh in your life. You deserve it. I can’t imagine the hell you are going through. Great job being there for your kids.
> 
> so when she learned you were dating, that is when she lost her crap and started to do drugs, drink and hookup? I find that behavior so odd, but all of her behavior from the start seems crazy to me.
> 
> I understand your court system is not easy in these cases. Surely a rehab stay only further helps your case towards full custody?


 My guess is and I am sure it's right is that somewhere in her mind she honestly thought we would get back together, when she found out I was dating again something snapped.


----------



## TXTrini

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi Harold,
> 
> I am still here, sorry there has been a lot going on. I came on to read all your responses while I could and before I could give a proper update
> 
> Angel Wings, There is no chance in hell I will ever get back with my ex. I would have a better chance of being kicked by a snake!!!!!
> 
> Anyway, The Exs family have gotten more involved with her, It seems there was a lot more going on than I 1st thought
> when she found out I was dating Niamh. She confessed a lot to her sister who then got her parents involved, Sister wanted to tell me what I found out. I was going to decline, I didn't want more drama, But Niamh rightly pointed out that this could affect the children's lives so best to find out and have it on record. (She is good) I will not go into too much detail but drugs hook ups binge drinking. the works. This stopped when she found out she was pregnant. Go figure 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️
> 
> She has gone to a rehab facility about 1.5 hours away and will then be staying with her aunt and her husband for the foreseeable future. I have full custody of the kids during this time with visitation for her every weekend. (This is not court ordered just myself and her family feels it is best but I am looking at my options here legally. Things are never easy here.
> 
> Kids are asking about their mum, I just told them she feeling unwell and they can see her soon.
> 
> So that's it for now, Good news overall,
> 🤞🤞🤞


Hi Broken,
thanks for the update, it's good to know you're holding up. That sounds absolutely nuts! Can you make a case to get permanent full custody of your children? She's too self-destructive to risk having them around her, and personally, I'd never trust an addict with a dog, much less children. 

Good for NIahm, staying in your life, I hope you appreciate her. Some men take that kind of consideration for granted and move on after hard times are done.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

TXTrini said:


> Hi Broken,
> thanks for the update, it's good to know you're holding up. That sounds absolutely nuts! Can you make a case to get permanent full custody of your children? She's too self-destructive to risk having them around her, and personally, I'd never trust an addict with a dog, much less children.
> 
> Good for NIahm, staying in your life, I hope you appreciate her. Some men take that kind of consideration for granted and move on after hard times are done.


The courts are very biased towards women here so I am just making sure I keep everything I have for when necessary. She could leave rehab say she is clean and I get my kids every 2nd wknd so yeah I need to be well prepared for when the time comes. . 

I would be lost without Niamh and I am sure to tell her that everyday .


----------



## Galabar01

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> The courts are very biased towards women here so I am just making sure I keep everything I have for when necessary. She could leave rehab say she is clean and I get my kids every 2nd wknd so yeah I need to be well prepared for when the time comes. .
> 
> I would be lost without Niamh and I am sure to tell her that everyday .


Is it possible to document her behavior with the relevant authorities? That might help you with the courts...


----------



## TXTrini

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> The courts are very biased towards women here so I am just making sure I keep everything I have for when necessary. She could leave rehab say she is clean and I get my kids every 2nd wknd so yeah I need to be well prepared for when the time comes. .
> 
> I would be lost without Niamh and I am sure to tell her that everyday .


Good strategy. Your gf was wise to advise you to remain in contact with her family. Keep texts and voicemails for evidence and document everything! I can't understand why there's any bias at all when there's clear harmful behavior that will definitely spillover to negatively affect children.

Good! I hope you've been able to gain some peace. You sound much lighter, despite the mess.


----------



## jsmart

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> My guess is and I am sure it's right is that somewhere in her mind she honestly thought we would get back together, when she found out I was dating again something snapped.


The great majority of WWs think their husbands are not a catch and that their OM is a much better catch. When the BHs moves on, it usually hits them like a pile of bricks. 

The issue is that most BHs are completely devastated. They’re not able to just move on so quickly. Most WWs confuse their husbands inability to emotionally move on right away as proof of her husband’s lack of desirability. When the guy finally gets his bearings and finds another woman, the ex wife becomes bitter, especially if she’s younger and hotter. (No, not talking about a 20 something).

An old coworker of mine was betrayed and left his unremorseful ex. She went back to being a side piece, and he moped for nearly a year. Don’t know what woke him up but he went into overdrive in getting his shi. together. Before long he was a very fit 51 year old with a confident swag. Ended up marrying a fit 42 year old divorce woman whose 2 kids were already in college. His at the time 49 year old ex, on the other hand was really starting to show her age. Her OM through her under the bus when he had his D day. He told me of going to an event for one of their adult kids. They were were both there. He with his new wife and her with the latest guy she was dating that he said looked to be in his late 50s. He jokingly said that he could feel the hate shooting out of his ex’s eyes.


----------



## Asterix

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> My guess is and I am sure it's right is that somewhere in her mind she honestly thought we would get back together, when she found out I was dating again something snapped.


My guess is that either she thought that "How dare he consider dating someone else. Let me show him what I can do" OR she thought that "Now that he's moved on, I don't have to pretend anymore. I can be who I really am and do what I like". I'm really not sure how to explain her behavior at this point.



Taxman said:


> This is the long slow exit. Starts with destruction of relationships, characterized by inappropriate and dangerous behaviors, and ends in a mental facility or graveyard.


This is my worry as well. 

@Brokenheart 2020 , I have a suggestion for you. Would you please consider getting your dad and her family (sister and parents) together and hold some sort of intervention. She needs to clean up her act and get focused on getting sober. At this point, you are not going to get back with her. That ship has sailed long ago. But she still has her kids who still look up to her and the kid that she is pregnant with. So, she needs to stop thinking about what she wants and starts thinking about what others need of me. What is it that she is responsible for. She needs to focus on getting better because any other outcome is going to be traumatic for the kids in the long run. Please make sure that she realizes that. She needs to stop living for herself and start living for the kids.



Brokenheart 2020 said:


> The courts are very biased towards women here so I am just making sure I keep everything I have for when necessary. She could leave rehab say she is clean and I get my kids every 2nd wknd so yeah I need to be well prepared for when the time comes. .


I understand that the courts are vary biased towards women. In lots of cases, the women that end up in the divorce court are well adjusted people who are there due to adverse circumstances. I think when you go in front of the judge and lay out all her infidelity in all its glorious detail, the judge would have tough time being biased towards her. Have the video handy, mention the ONS that she had out of spite that resulted in pregnancy. Just those two things along would go a long way in swaying the judge's opinion towards you. She's not your typical divorcee and most certainly not your typical mom.


----------



## Asterix

@Brokenheart 2020, How are you doing? 

It's been a while. Hope you are doing okay considering the sh17-sandwitch that your not nearly soon-to-be-ex handed to you.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Hi Asterix,
Sorry it has been a while, a lot going on in my work/Niamh life and with Christmas and Covid running wild here I have been kept busy but nothing major to report regarding STBX

I still have full custody of the kids, STBX is still living with her aunt. She gets the kids every wknd Fri- Sun evening Then her aunt will bring them back to me. I have no contact with her unless it is regarding the kids and even then, her aunt or sister are a go between 80% of the time. She has not really tried to interact with me, she fished a couple of times just after my last post, but I never replied. Hopefully she understands but I will not hold my breath just yet.

Niamh and I are doing great, her family all contracted Covid just before Christmas so she and her daughter spent it with me and dad. I had the kids Christmas morning and brought the kids up to STBX early afternoon until 27th. Wished I had them longer, but I had them New years, so we set off some fireworks early and the kids loved it.
I still have bad days especially dates like anniversaries, kids’ birthdays. Christmas wasn’t too bad. I missed the kids, but I am coming to terms that this is the new normal for them plus me having full custody works in my favour long term. 

So yeah, that’s the main points, nothing crazy… for now!!!
Probably just 1 bit of advice I am looking for is how do I deal with things once the child is born and a little older. It’s not my child but is my kids sibling. My worry is going away on holidays or taking the kids out for the day. Should I include this child? It is not the child’s fault and I do not want my kids seeing their sibling as someone other than their brother or sister. I know this issue is still a bit down the road, but it is in the back of my mind.


----------



## blackclover3

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi Asterix,
> Sorry it has been a while, a lot going on in my work/Niamh life and with Christmas and Covid running wild here I have been kept busy but nothing major to report regarding STBX
> 
> I still have full custody of the kids, STBX is still living with her aunt. She gets the kids every wknd Fri- Sun evening Then her aunt will bring them back to me. I have no contact with her unless it is regarding the kids and even then, her aunt or sister are a go between 80% of the time. She has not really tried to interact with me, she fished a couple of times just after my last post, but I never replied. Hopefully she understands but I will not hold my breath just yet.
> 
> Niamh and I are doing great, her family all contracted Covid just before Christmas so she and her daughter spent it with me and dad. I had the kids Christmas morning and brought the kids up to STBX early afternoon until 27th. Wished I had them longer, but I had them New years, so we set off some fireworks early and the kids loved it.
> I still have bad days especially dates like anniversaries, kids’ birthdays. Christmas wasn’t too bad. I missed the kids, but I am coming to terms that this is the new normal for them plus me having full custody works in my favour long term.
> 
> So yeah, that’s the main points, nothing crazy… for now!!!
> Probably just 1 bit of advice I am looking for is how do I deal with things once the child is born and a little older. It’s not my child but is my kids sibling. My worry is going away on holidays or taking the kids out for the day. Should I include this child? It is not the child’s fault and I do not want my kids seeing their sibling as someone other than their brother or sister. I know this issue is still a bit down the road, but it is in the back of my mind.


the child is not your problem - you should focus 120% on your kids and your kids only. adding another child basically you are taking time from your kids (even as little). and you are basically rewarding your ex by taking the child away so she can alone time. this is not even a question

he is another man child - and is not your problem nor your kids problem. your kids want to sped quality time with their dad. 

let their mom sort this out with her kids. bringing that child you will add more complexity to the situation when he start calling you dad because he is seeing his siblings calling you that. telling him not call you dad will hurt him even more.


----------



## steve81

thinking about the new baby shows what a good guy you are


----------



## Asterix

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> I still have bad days especially dates like anniversaries, kids’ birthdays. Christmas wasn’t too bad. I missed the kids, but I am coming to terms that this is the new normal for them plus me having full custody works in my favour long term.


@Brokenheart 2020 thank you for your reply. 

I'm really happy to hear that you, your kids/dad, Niamh and her daughter are doing well. I hope that spending Christmas with Niamh and her daughter along with your kids was a good bonding experience with lots of good memories. I wish and pray that it's all upwards for you from here onward.

I'm sorry to hear that you still have some bad days. It is understandably so. You seem like a considerate and compassionate man who sees good in others. I'm guessing that you are having bad days because of all the memories of the happy times that gets dredged up. If I may suggest, please look at those memories as something that you made with the person who you thought she was. She successfully hid from you who she really is. So, somehow the memories get tainted by her false facade. You are a good person to understand that the kids are blameless in this and all the fault lies with her. So, all that's happening to "poor her" is all that she has brought upon herself. At this point, she's not your responsibility anymore. 

Regarding how to deal with her future child, I have absolutely no clue. I've been childfree myself. So, I would be an inappropriate candidate to even think of providing any suggestions to you. But I'm sure there are a lot of people here who are much more qualified than me to advise you on that. 

All I'd say is that you do you and keep on being your awesome self!


----------



## Marc878

There’ll be a 6-7 year age difference between your kids and her child. I wouldn’t take any responsibility for her new child. You have enough to deal with.


----------



## Rob_1

Under no circumstances, and I mean it, under not circumstances would I take an Ex's child with another man as part of my responsibilities. Screw that.


----------



## Rob_1

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> once the child is born


Brokenheart2020, question: the fact that she's having some other man's child, doesn’t this helps to accelerate the divorce in your country?


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

honestly, when the time comes and your kids and you are good with it, take the other child.
There are no rules when it comes to that.
You just go by what you feel.
Especially since it will be several years down the road before that even becomes an issue.
If you and your kids are in a good enough head space, then go for it


----------



## Taxman

Damn B, you are a good guy. Better than your ex deserved. Take your lead from your kids. If they want to include this child, then by all means. My bet is that your ex will not want this kid near your new partner. Saw that before. She will interpret your children liking your new partner as having lost all of you. She will not roll the dice on another kid.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Marc878 said:


> There’ll be a 6-7 year age difference between your kids and her child. I wouldn’t take any responsibility for her new child. You have enough to deal with.


No, Courts do not care here, We have to be separated 3 out of 5 years to get the divorce rolling. Currently starting year 2!! 



Rob_1 said:


> Under no circumstances, and I mean it, under not circumstances would I take an Ex's child with another man as part of my responsibilities. Screw that.


I will NOT be taking any responsibility whatsoever believe me, However I cannot (will not) blame the child for my STBXs decisions. I am just thinking in regards to birthdays or day trips when the child is older. It is a good few years down the line so I won't need to make any decisions anytime soon. 



Asterix said:


> @Brokenheart 2020 thank you for your reply.
> 
> I'm really happy to hear that you, your kids/dad, Niamh and her daughter are doing well. I hope that spending Christmas with Niamh and her daughter along with your kids was a good bonding experience with lots of good memories. I wish and pray that it's all upwards for you from here onward.
> 
> I'm sorry to hear that you still have some bad days. It is understandably so. You seem like a considerate and compassionate man who sees good in others. I'm guessing that you are having bad days because of all the memories of the happy times that gets dredged up. If I may suggest, please look at those memories as something that you made with the person who you thought she was. She successfully hid from you who she really is. So, somehow the memories get tainted by her false facade. You are a good person to understand that the kids are blameless in this and all the fault lies with her. So, all that's happening to "poor her" is all that she has brought upon herself. At this point, she's not your responsibility anymore.
> 
> Regarding how to deal with her future child, I have absolutely no clue. I've been childfree myself. So, I would be an inappropriate candidate to even think of providing any suggestions to you. But I'm sure there are a lot of people here who are much more qualified than me to advise you on that.
> 
> All I'd say is that you do you and keep on being your awesome self!


 I am doing a lot better than I was this time last year. Hell even 3 months ago, But I am moving in the right direction and NC has definitely been a big part of this. I came to terms that I will never have her completely out of my life with the kids but as little communication and interaction as possible will suit me. Even now I feel my old self coming back.


----------



## jparistotle

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> I will NOT be taking any responsibility whatsoever believe me, However I cannot (will not) blame the child for my STBXs decisions. I am just thinking in regards to birthdays or day trips when the child is older. It is a good few years down the line so I won't need to make any decisions anytime soon.


Just curious. When the baby asks who will she say is the father? Futhermore when your children ask how does she and you plan to handle? The kid may think you are the father till they get older. Poor kid.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> No, Courts do not care here, We have to be separated 3 out of 5 years to get the divorce rolling. Currently starting year 2!!
> 
> 
> I will NOT be taking any responsibility whatsoever believe me, However I cannot (will not) blame the child for my STBXs decisions. I am just thinking in regards to birthdays or day trips when the child is older. It is a good few years down the line so I won't need to make any decisions anytime soon.
> 
> 
> I am doing a lot better than I was this time last year. Hell even 3 months ago, But I am moving in the right direction and NC has definitely been a big part of this. I came to terms that I will never have her completely out of my life with the kids but as little communication and interaction as possible will suit me. Even now I feel my old self coming back.


Since you are still technically married will you have to prove to the courts that you are not the father through a paternity test?

You have handled this total **** show way better than most would, so I can't give you a hard time. However, it seems obvious that your wife is a seriously messed up person. Have you figured out how you didn't see all this in her? It seems like it would be worthwhile to understand how you were so unaware of her behavior until the last few months of the marriage.


----------



## Taxman

Broken, I think that we are just impressing on you the need to have this stated explicitly in your divorce, whether that takes place now or years in the future, your legal team needs to state that the third child is not yours, was conceived with one of her many other male lovers and NOT YOU, and that you will NOT take financial responsibility for this child. I have seen jurisdictions saddle some poor schmuck with financial support of a sperm donor's child. (We successfully sued mom when the kid was 18 for paternity fraud.-I happily took her house, and her investments.)


----------



## Divinely Favored

Taxman said:


> Broken, I think that we are just impressing on you the need to have this stated explicitly in your divorce, whether that takes place now or years in the future, your legal team needs to state that the third child is not yours, was conceived with one of her many other male lovers and NOT YOU, and that you will NOT take financial responsibility for this child. I have seen jurisdictions saddle some poor schmuck with financial support of a sperm donor's child. (We successfully sued mom when the kid was 18 for paternity fraud.-I happily took her house, and her investments.)


Awesome! And deservedly so. Probably did not equal the amount he had taken from his part over the years and his mental anguish.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Divinely Favored said:


> Awesome! And deservedly so. Probably did not equal the amount he had taken from his part over the years and his mental anguish.


Lol. Agreed. I have to say a smile came across my face when I read that Taxman happily took the house and investments of someone committing paternity fraud.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’d not include the other man’s child for various reasons, some mentioned.
But realize if he/she is in your care, by definition you ARE responsible for injuries, etc.

And you have a crazy, heartless, ex with no morals that is the child’s mother. So heck no, don’t expose yourself to that liability.


----------



## Asterix

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> No, Courts do not care here, We have to be separated 3 out of 5 years to get the divorce rolling. Currently starting year 2!!


I think you might be okay regarding the divorce. Although as the people here have suggested, please ensure that things are mentioned explicitly in the divorce decree that you do not have any responsibilities nor any obligation towards this child that is not yours. 

I think you might be okay because here's what I think: You are starting your second year of separation with a total of two years to go (this year and the next year). Your not-soon-enough-to-be-ex would likely deliver the baby sometime mid this year. So, she and HER FAMILY is going to be responsible for looking after the infant and by the time the infant turns about a year and half old is when you get your divorce finalized. But please DO talk to your attorney and ensure that the courts and everyone else is aware that the baby is not your child. By doing this you'd be ensuring that you are cutting off or significantly reducing your exploitation by your ww. 

I have a suggestion, not sure how and if this would work, but wanted to mention it to you. Would it be possible that all the communication regarding the kids go between your father and your WW's sister? That way your father and her sister can work out the logistics regarding the kids and you never need to talk to your WW again. If she needs to communication, she would need to do that via her sister and your father. Is this something that your father and her sister be open to?


----------



## SusanJoAnn

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹
> [/QUOTE
> Keep your head. Don't do anything foolish. Let her go if she likes. There's a whole other world out there. Sometimes you can't fix the old one. 2-3 years from now she'll want to come back. tell her no,


----------



## Marc878

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> No, Courts do not care here, We have to be separated 3 out of 5 years to get the divorce rolling. Currently starting year 2!!
> 
> *This has nothing to do with her new child. Or no contact.*
> 
> 
> I will NOT be taking any responsibility whatsoever believe me, However I cannot (will not) blame the child for my STBXs decisions. I am just thinking in regards to birthdays or day trips when the child is older. It is a good few years down the line so I won't need to make any decisions anytime soon.
> 
> 
> I am doing a lot better than I was this time last year. Hell even 3 months ago, But I am moving in the right direction and NC has definitely been a big part of this. I came to terms that I will never have her completely out of my life with the kids but as little communication and interaction as possible will suit me. Even now I feel my old self coming back.


A buddy of mine runs a hard no contact. Text or email, kids only. Pickups drop offs are 2 minutes and he has younger kids. No shared holidays or birthdays. He says it works great and his kids adjusted to the new norm.
It works if you want it to.


----------



## Kamstel2

B, 
Any other news?

hope you and kids are doing well.
Hang in there and be strong.


----------



## SusanJoAnn

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


hire a private detective, cost you about $8,000, document her screwing around, take the pictures and investigators reports to a judge, unfit mom, get those kids then screw the *****, Find someone who'll love only you. She does't give a dam about you now. Get into that frame of mind and come to grips with it and move on with your life


----------



## TDSC60

Concerning your STBXW's child. I would not get too involved there. You are correct that it is not the baby's fault and it is a half-sibling to your children. But the hard reality is that you are not this child's father. Involving that child in your family (you and your kids) could backfire on you in the future. That child is going to be a physical reminder of your STBXW's infidelity everytime you see it.

I am reminded of a guy who was on here talking about his XW's affair and the resulting affair child. He tried to keep everything calm for the sake of his children. Until a few years latter, XW and her new husband (affair partner) asked him to take the affair child with his own children during his time with them because the affair child was lonely when the half-siblings were away with their father. He was so shocked that he agreed to do so. But after a few weeks he had to tell them he could no longer do it. Even though he did not blame the child, he could not be around and take care of the physical constant reminder of his XW's affair and the destruction of his former family.

Could be the same for you. So be careful.


----------



## Brokenheart 2020

Kamstel2 said:


> B,
> Any other news?
> 
> hope you and kids are doing well.
> Hang in there and be strong.


 Hi Kamstel, nothing new. Just going through the motions of being a single parent. Love it  

Kids are doing great.
Restrictions have been lifted here so might bring the kids off somewhere for a nice long weekend. Still N.C with my STBX. I will be looking into 1 of those co parenting apps for when she does have the kids. 





SusanJoAnn said:


> hire a private detective, cost you about $8,000, document her screwing around, take the pictures and investigators reports to a judge, unfit mom, get those kids then screw the ***, Find someone who'll love only you. She doesn't give a dam about you now. Get into that frame of mind and come to grips with it and move on with your life


There really is no need, We are legally separated, The only thing keeping us attached is our kids and a flimsy piece of paper which takes 3 years of separation to destroy. Even the fires of Mount Doom will not scratch that goddamn piece of paper at this stage. I do not really care what she does as long as it does not affect the kids. 




TDSC60 said:


> Concerning your STBXW's child. I would not get too involved there. You are correct that it is not the baby's fault and it is a half-sibling to your children. But the hard reality is that you are not this child's father. Involving that child in your family (you and your kids) could backfire on you in the future. That child is going to be a physical reminder of your STBXW's infidelity everytime you see it.
> 
> I am reminded of a guy who was on here talking about his XW's affair and the resulting affair child. He tried to keep everything calm for the sake of his children. Until a few years latter, XW and her new husband (affair partner) asked him to take the affair child with his own children during his time with them because the affair child was lonely when the half-siblings were away with their father. He was so shocked that he agreed to do so. But after a few weeks he had to tell them he could no longer do it. Even though he did not blame the child, he could not be around and take care of the physical constant reminder of his XW's affair and the destruction of his former family.
> 
> Could be the same for you. So be careful.


I remember seeing this story, This will not happen. I am just thinking things like birthday parties at my house etc, Even then her sister or parents can bring the child. Day trips or main holiday's I am still unsure of. 



Asterix said:


> I think you might be okay regarding the divorce. Although as the people here have suggested, please ensure that things are mentioned explicitly in the divorce decree that you do not have any responsibilities nor any obligation towards this child that is not yours.
> 
> I think you might be okay because here's what I think: You are starting your second year of separation with a total of two years to go (this year and the next year). Your not-soon-enough-to-be-ex would likely deliver the baby sometime mid this year. So, she and HER FAMILY is going to be responsible for looking after the infant and by the time the infant turns about a year and half old is when you get your divorce finalized. But please DO talk to your attorney and ensure that the courts and everyone else is aware that the baby is not your child. By doing this you'd be ensuring that you are cutting off or significantly reducing your exploitation by your ww.
> 
> I have a suggestion, not sure how and if this would work, but wanted to mention it to you. Would it be possible that all the communication regarding the kids go between your father and your WW's sister? That way your father and her sister can work out the logistics regarding the kids and you never need to talk to your WW again. If she needs to communication, she would need to do that via her sister and your father. Is this something that your father and her sister be open to?


I have already sent a written affidavit saying I am not the father and will not be put down as the baby's father and will not be paying any support. I am lucky in the fact that all of her immediate family understand and agree with my stance on everything. Even so I have everything written up and recorded just in case.


----------



## jlg07

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> I remember seeing this story, This will not happen. I am just thinking things like birthday parties at my house etc, Even then her sister or parents can bring the child. Day trips or main holiday's I am still unsure of.


Honestly YOU have your OWN birthday party for the kids -- and then SHE can have HER own, with the other child.
As for day trips/holidays -- SHE can plan her own with all of them.


----------



## Taxman

I would hesitate in involving your kids with their half sibling on your time. It will confuse the matter significantly. They can and should interact when they are with their mother, or her family, but it must be made plain that you are not related to this sibling. It may sound heartless, however, she has introduced an unwanted variable into the family. She could have aborted. She could have put the child up for adoption. Now, she is a single mom with two by one guy and one from another. Not extremely attractive in any way. Let her family deal with this, and keep your distance.


----------



## MattMatt

@Taxman Abortions in Eire are not that simple.


----------



## thunderchad

The best advice here is to leave your wife and never look back. People like this never change. Every time you think about forgiving her just think about the other man and what he did to her.


----------



## Taxman

MattMatt said:


> @Taxman Abortions in Eire are not that simple.


My wife and I have been involved with a clinic in our country.(she is the former asst CFO) Given the abysmal access to safe therapeutic abortion in other countries we have supported "travel" to ours. It is a somewhat regular occurrence, given the level of discouragement in our neighbor to the south, and the attacks on Roe v. Wade.


----------



## Asterix

Taxman said:


> Given the abysmal access to safe therapeutic abortion in other countries


Other countries, eh?  I agree. It is a sorry state of affairs.


----------



## truststone

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> My guess is and I am sure it's right is that somewhere in her mind she honestly thought we would get back together, when she found out I was dating again something snapped.





Brokenheart 2020 said:


> No, Courts do not care here, We have to be separated 3 out of 5 years to get the divorce rolling. Currently starting year 2!!
> 
> 
> I will NOT be taking any responsibility whatsoever believe me, However I cannot (will not) blame the child for my STBXs decisions. I am just thinking in regards to birthdays or day trips when the child is older. It is a good few years down the line so I won't need to make any decisions anytime soon.
> 
> 
> I am doing a lot better than I was this time last year. Hell even 3 months ago, But I am moving in the right direction and NC has definitely been a big part of this. I came to terms that I will never have her completely out of my life with the kids but as little communication and interaction as possible will suit me. Even now I feel my old self coming back.


may i make a suggestion if you are still with Nainmh when it comes to the other child let it be a decision you make with her ... whatever she tells you must value , she was a singe mother and from her being with you she has some insight and doesnt appear the jealous tyoe so i think she will give you sound advice . but you must do what she suggests dont go against her and potentially ruin your relationship because obviuosly by now her kids are yours have a bond and so do you with Nianmh


----------



## bygone

As far as I understand, your wife had relationships during many times of your marriage, continued after dday, it is necessary to assume that she was not honest in therapy.

that people and relationships are much more.

you couldn't find it on the phone because the ons leaves no traces, she must have a second phone and a different email.

It's no surprise that she's trying to get you back, knowing she can't stop herself. must be married. should not be worried about the future,

Pregnancy shows that her don't care about using condoms, maybe she don't want it.

If you were married, she would have had an abortion before you knew it. You can ask your wife if she had an abortion in the past.

She suffers a mental breakdown as her lies and secret life are exposed. postpartum family should be supportive, they may develop suicidal thoughts. may fall into bad situations under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

I hope I'm exaggerating

I know it has been difficult for you so far, but I wanted to say that you will have bigger problems in the future.


----------



## ABHale

Taxman said:


> My wife and I have been involved with a clinic in our country.(she is the former asst CFO) Given the abysmal access to safe therapeutic abortion in other countries we have supported "travel" to ours. It is a somewhat regular occurrence, given the level of discouragement in our neighbor to the south, and the attacks on Roe v. Wade.


Can we keep politics out of it.


----------



## Asterix

bygone said:


> You can ask your wife if she had an abortion in the past.



OP, this is an important question. I agree with @bygone .. With her level of promiscuity and recklessness towards her own (and by proxy, your) health, I wouldn't put it past her to have gotten pregnant by other men before and have had to abort the pregnancy.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Taxman said:


> I would hesitate in involving your kids with their half sibling on your time. It will confuse the matter significantly. They can and should interact when they are with their mother, or her family, but it must be made plain that you are not related to this sibling. It may sound heartless, however, she has introduced an unwanted variable into the family. She could have aborted. She could have put the child up for adoption. Now, she is a single mom with two by one guy and one from another. Not extremely attractive in any way. Let her family deal with this, and keep your distance.


"Could have aborted"!!!! - Really!?!? Murder an innocent child because she couldn't keep her legs crossed. This is terrible advice!


----------



## manfromlamancha

Asterix said:


> Other countries, eh?  I agree. It is a sorry state of affairs.





Taxman said:


> My wife and I have been involved with a clinic in our country.(she is the former asst CFO) Given the abysmal access to safe therapeutic abortion in other countries we have supported "travel" to ours. It is a somewhat regular occurrence, given the level of discouragement in our neighbor to the south, and the attacks on Roe v. Wade.


"Safe therapeutic abortion". - what a contradiction of terms!!! Horrendous!


----------



## Bcause

My heart goes out to you. The side affects of betrayal trauma are many and long lasting for some (including me). Reliving the memories over and over, supervigligence is my hardest issues. Thinking back before dday, I did not know why, but for years had felt increasingly unloved and lonely. The change in my relationship with my husband of over 30 years was unsettling. He no longer said my name with love, he yelled it. He lied about everything. He tried to change my reality of things that happened, he treated other woman better than me, he called me names and belittled me in front of family and friends. So when dday came, after the initial shock and hurt, it finally made sense. This podcast was a major step, it explained why I felt like I did and why I just couldn’t “get over it”. It is worth a listen. Please check out other betrayal trauma sites. There is hope. 1-1/2 years and I am feeling like my old self more and more. Still have issues but growing they them. It will be much better once my divorce is over. Secret sexual basement


----------



## gameopoly5

Society perceives women cheating as more taboo than men cheating.
Rightly or wrongly that`s the way it is and has always been.
Today, it is likely many women are cheating as much as the men, perhaps more because no one knows the exact numbers of women who cheat.
Cheating is a human condition, not a mistake but rather a choice people make.
Women have more to lose than men when they choose to cheat because when men choose to cheat it`s usually just lust, they may still love
their wives in the majority of cases and if caught there is still hope for the marriage.
When women cheat it becomes more emotional and means they are either checking out from the marriage or have already mentally and emotionally checked out from the marriage, they will hold feelings for their APs that makes it much more difficult to reconcile the relationship..
Even if wives decide to start riding the carousel it still means she has emotionally checked out from the marriage and become bored in the relationship.
If or when this happens, sadly most end in divorce.


----------



## 342693

Sorry this happened to you man. Been there.

I would file for divorce. IMO, there is no coming back from adultery. You will NEVER be able to trust her again. If she's 30 minutes late coming home from something, your mind will immediately think she's with some guy. You don't deserve to live the rest of your life like that....always worrying, always wondering. 

Good, decent women that will honor their wedding vows are out there.


----------



## TXTrini

When you come late to the thread, it's helpful to actually read it before offering advice...

@Brokenheart2020
Any update?


----------



## Rob_1

he still has about another 3 years before he can divorce her. Sucks to be in Ireland. How backward the system still is. I can only guess that it's due to the Catholic church influence.


----------



## BoSlander

gameopoly5 said:


> Society perceives women cheating as more taboo than men cheating.
> Rightly or wrongly that`s the way it is and has always been.
> Today, it is likely many women are cheating as much as the men, perhaps more because no one knows the exact numbers of women who cheat.
> Cheating is a human condition, not a mistake but rather a choice people make.
> Women have more to lose than men when they choose to cheat because when men choose to cheat it`s usually just lust, they may still love
> their wives in the majority of cases and if caught there is still hope for the marriage.
> When women cheat it becomes more emotional and means they are either checking out from the marriage or have already mentally and emotionally checked out from the marriage, they will hold feelings for their APs that makes it much more difficult to reconcile the relationship..
> Even if wives decide to start riding the carousel it still means she has emotionally checked out from the marriage and become bored in the relationship.
> If or when this happens, sadly most end in divorce.


Very true. Women initiate something like 80% of all divorces in the US.


----------



## DonJuan

Brokenheart 2020 said:


> Hi all, Been lurking here a while trying to find the courage to write this.
> Not sure where to start but here goes.
> 
> Me BH 41, WW 37, 2 Kids 8 and 6. DDay Jan 2020. Together 14 years married 10
> Had been suspicious of my wife’s behavior for a few months, Tried the usual stuff checking phone and emails. Nothing. Got cameras set up in our home. Caught all the sordid details on camera. Threesome with OM AND OW!!!! Both work colleagues of hers. I’m destroyed. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming. Confronted her with the video. Got the usual BS. Didn’t want this loves only me. Wants to prove she is trustworthy!!!! What can she do to prove herself to me.
> 
> I’m numb, Broken. Only thing keeping me going are my children. They don’t know what’s going on. And I am trying my hardest to keep it that way but I am struggling with my wife’s betrayal and getting sick of playing happy family with her around the kids and with this lock down I am a complete mess. I have had to cut my hours so added stress. Can’t sleep. I close my eyes and just see the video in my mind. How could she do this!!!!!
> 
> We are still living together but I have moved to the spare room.
> Part of me still wants reconciliation but it’s a small part. I have done and said some cruel things to hurt her even though I feel guilty immediately.
> 
> I know I still love my wife but don’t know if I will ever get over this. I wake up at night sweating; I cry a lot, and it’s horrible. I feel like a fool and worthless, and when I turn to her all she can say is she broke me and doesn’t know how fix me and is so so sorry but will do whatever it takes. I don’t want anyone else and want to forgive her, but I don’t know how. This situation is horrific. My perspective of my family has changed; my views of her have changed; what do I do?
> Am I the fool for even thinking of Reconciliation??
> There is so much more to say but I don’t know how. Even writing this I can feel the rage build inside me. I hate what she has done to me and our family. I have no idea what is going to happen
> 
> I am utterly lost… ☹


I wouldn’t be able to desire sex with or trust a wife I considered a *****. Nor would I ever want to again. She’s showed the true colors and your probably not a ****, so forgive to help you feel better and file for divorce and move on.


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## Tested_by_stress

DonJuan said:


> I wouldn’t be able to desire sex with or trust a wife I considered a ***. Nor would I ever want to again. She’s showed the true colors and your probably not a ****, so forgive to help you feel better and file for divorce and move on.


I take it you didn't read beyond the first post?


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## Offkilter123

Tested_by_stress said:


> I take it you didn't read beyond the first post?


He seems to be posting on multiple threads without having read anything beyond OP’s initial post.


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