# Help, I don't understand the way men think!



## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

Not sure where to begin. If you've read any of my other posts, it may help. The relationship between my H & me hasn't been good, especially lately. I've been trying to tell him what I need, he refuses to listen or try to do these things. Our marriage almost ended about 2 months ago, when we had a big blowout. I had a breakdown, he encouraged me to get help, "he couldn't leave me this way." We talked things out, have been having some sex, so he thinks everything is OK, I disagree, however I haven't actually told him this, just thought he would "get it." How can a marriage that is virtually over be OK after having sex once or twice??? Anyway, my birthday is coming up in a few days, which I am normally very excited about, reminding him to "not forget." We are working cattle that day, so I know we won't be doing anything special. I know I will not even get a card. Is it too much to ask that he take me out to dinner before? Must be. I know we won't do anything this weekend, either, as my niece is getting married an hour and a half away, to which he refuses to go to. He is planning on going racing and hour and a half in the opposite direction. We could spend the whole weekend together out of town, doing things together as a family, but he would rather race. :scratchhead: I know mother's day is right around the corner also. I have NEVER received a mother's day gift from him. He tells me that "I am not his mother, so why should he buy me something." I told him he needs to take his kids shopping and teach them, to which he says "when they're old enough, they can do it themselves." So my question is this: Am I a total fool for sticking around and putting up with this? I would love to leave but something is holding me back, fear, I guess. I keep putting a timeline on leaving, which I'm figuring out if a mistake, I just keep making excuses and putting if off. Do I wait and see how all of this unfolds? Help!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Your thread title makes this seem like a gender issue. It is not. Your husband could understand you if he wanted to. My wife used to completely fail to understand me. All of a sudden she can! It has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with self esteem, maturity and self development on both sides.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Don't wait--nothing will change if you don't take action. Personally, I think you should insist on counseling first--you could still turn things around. Make the appointment, tell him, and if he doesn't go, go yourself, and begin to explore how to leave. Tell him right up front that if he doesn't go, that's what you will be doing. You can't make this a bluff, however, so be prepared to follow through. Doesn't mean you have to leave right away; work with the counselor to figure out how you can do it, emotionally, and otherwise. My husband has continuously ignored my specific requests on many, many fronts, and living with it hasn't led to anything but me losing my love for him. Now he's shocked and I just want to leave. I'm going to counseling, individually, and maybe couples, even though I'm not hopeful, b/c I'm not perfect and I cannot foresee the future. But, I have a timeline and if I reach a certain point without seeing significant change in myself, then I will have to leave. Sad, but essential. Life really is too short to go without deep and meaningful love.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> My husband has continuously ignored my specific requests on many, many fronts, and living with it hasn't led to anything but me losing my love for him. Now he's shocked and I just want to leave.


This is SO how I feel. I have tried to let my walls down & learn to love him again, but I am so afraid, afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of letting it happen, AGAIN. I feel like I am just living with him and going thru the motions. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love him the way a husband/wife should be loved.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

"This is SO how I feel. I have tried to let my walls down & learn to love him again, but I am so afraid, afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of letting it happen, AGAIN. I feel like I am just living with him and going thru the motions. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love him the way a husband/wife should be loved." 

oh sweety.. i feel the same way.. and i feel for u.. i want more than anything to love my husband again but so afraid to. You gotta do what is in your heart! How long has this been going on anyway? Most people spend so much time trying to figure the other person out that they forget who they are.. make sense? I have literally gotten to the point where I have forgotten who I am. Shot I don't even like myself anymore.. of course pregnancy does not help any lol.. hang in there and be strong! Us women are strong individuals when we want to be. If you ever want to talk to someone who is going through the same thing.. add me as a friend and message me  I am here for you.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Here is my take...

I in so many ways did the same thing to my wife.... I said I would change certain things and did not.... Though i love my wife more then anything...I always have loved her.

My wife told me 9 days ago she does not love me anymore..... some for reason you mentioned and some for others...

I took for granted she loved me and thought she knew i loved her... I guess I am wrong....

Now I would change anything for the chance to prove it.... I can't say your husband would change if you presented it like my wife did.... but I will say it's a shock that is an eye opener...

My wife is not willing to go to therapy or anything.... I asked... it seems like you love your husband. It may be that your husband loves you very much I don't know... You took a step to see a therapist... I wish my wife would have also.... 

Being a guy sometimes it's hard for us to show how we feel.... In my case I am afraid of opening a door to be used as a doormat....I know that sounds weird...... but it's how i feel.

If your at the end of your rope.... throw a line, I am willing to bet he might take it...Though I am one to talk and offer advice.... I let my own marriage slip through my fingers.... but had I know the extent of my wife's feeling I would have grabbed that rope in a heart beat...

I wish you the best


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

This is saveable IF thats what you want. My husband was also a racer, so i KNOW exactly what it does to them. Its like a drug, an addiction....they have NASCAR dreams they have no chance of obtaining, but they dont see that. Everything else just seems to get in their way of those dreams they think they need.

Men don't just "get it" they need to be told as bluntly, but as nicely as possible while at the same time MAKING him believe what you say. They can not read minds just like we can not. Men don't really care about detail unless you tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Even if you don't want to hurt his feelings or get him upset...the truth has to be told. Tell him you have had enough of being his door mat and you are making plans to leave him. Give him warning because it sounds to me like you want this to work. But be BLUNT. Don't get emotional, if you can help it. Just say it like it is what it is....then wait for a response.

My husband for YEARS missed family outings...weddings, graduations, etc. I went, and the kids went, and we always had to make excuses for why he couldnt be there. Stop making excuses for him....make him accountable to his family for his own actions...don't cover up for him. Maybe explain to him that there are things in life you "have to do" even tho you may not want to. Family outings and events are in that catagory.

Dont have sex with him....this gives them the impression everything is good when you do. If they are getting sex, they are happy and assume you are too. Turn him away...that will definately get his attention. When he asks why...be honest and tell him you need the emotions to go along with the sex, and frankly, they are not there.

You have to be as blunt as possible, just this side of hitting him upside the head with a frying pan. Be totally honest.

Best of luck to you, I really hope he listens to you. If he doesn't(most men dont the first couple times), keep trying...but show him you are serious. Leave an add of apartments for rent out on the table one day with a few of the numbers circled.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

ahh sorry roger.. shoot i wish my hubbie would listen to what my feelings and thoughts were.. he flat out told me he didn't love me anymore.. go read my thread if u get a chance.. kinda long.. wish my hubbie could be more like u...
Sprite: i like how u worded all that.. i tried all that for myself and it al did not work..i said i was leaving a while back and he said that is ur choice.. crap none of it worked. now i am moving out.. hopefully this works for racemom..


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

If your husband has no desire to listen to you and try to work things out.....he doesn't deserve you. He will never listen you your needs and wants in the future and you are much better of without him. I wish you and your baby the best of luck!!


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Mommydrgfly

Trust me I posted to you in the other thread.... Again I am not much different.... I always told my wife I loved her.... But I stopped comminicating back at times cause she would not open up. It's not that wanted to but we both placed walls...

It took my wife telling me she did not love me anymore to open my eyes.... I did alot of soul searching over the past 10 days and my thoughts were how could she say she loved me and then say for the past5 months she fell out of love with me??? I told to to show me where she felt I did not love her!!!! She said filing for bankrupcy was one way and the other was being jealous or a little controlling...

I said in my opinion it does not say I love you in anyway, it's just I made some stupid mistakes....

Sure I would tell her a lot I love her,,,,,, what I failed to do is show her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I failed to show her what she means to me ...............

The hardest part and the pain I feel is she is hurting so bad and simple things like Cuddeling, or a walk holding hands or just putting my arms around her and looking her in the eyes and saying I LOVE YOU...Could have changed it all around...... As a guy I did not always see things the same.... I know one time she wanted to cuddle while watching tv.. I remember saying I have never been the cuddeling type.... She told me a few days ago that hurt her..... I told her I am a restless person and I sit one way one minute and another the next.... But man o man if I opened my eyes to that now who knows how much good that would have done both of us now????

I can only speak for me, then again I can't be the only man here that does love to cuddle??? Or like it when your wife just kisses you for nothing???? or just say hey I want to hug you????
I think wome need it more then men thats all..... It's amazing you can teach old dogs new tricks,.... I am an old dog and sitting back what I feel hurts the most it to be honest????

I could have done simple things if I took the time to listen to my wife and what her wants were!!!!!! I could have just said hey I love you give me a kiss, or hey have I told you what you mean to me????

Maybe this is a chance... a chance to change things??? maybe My wife will never leave me?????But I do know Ladies!!!!!!!!!!! and I can't express this enough now!!!!!! PLease tell your husbands how you feel when you feel it!!!!! Tell them it makes you feel good and why if he does something that makes you feel good..... Don't do what I did and take Love for granted.....


They say bringing a life into the world the the most precious and the most beautifulest thing 2 people can do????

I have to say having someone to love and loving them back!!!!! It's #1 on my list....making the baby to me comes from both the love they feel.....and anyone can have kids..... Feekling the love two people share is like nothing else in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope your husband comes around!!!!!!! I hope he is not too late like I am!!!!!!


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I am happy that you "get it" now Roger. I am sorry to hear it may be too late, but don't give up hope. If she truelly loves you, there is always hope, but it will take work and patience on both your parts.

Are you as open with her about your feelings as you are here with us? I am sure she would love to hear it. Not saying it would change anything, but I do believe it would help.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

OK, I finally broke down and called a therapist. Couldn't take it anymore. Went this morning, had a good talk, got a little off my chest, although I feel we barely scratched the surface. My H keeps saying he doesn't understand why I feel I need to go. He really just thinks everything is OK, even after I've told him repeatedly what I need. She pretty well confirmed what I already know, however, as I said, I feel we've hardly started. I am going to my niece's wedding without my H, as he wants it, which makes me feel he doesn't love me, as he won't take the time or lacks the desire to spend that time with me, our family and my family. If he isn't willing to do things such as this out of love for me, what should I think???? Hopefully I will return from the weekend feeling refreshed and a little more clear-headed.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

Roger: I study psychology so by all means i know how to communicate lol.. i always tell him how i feel.. i ask him questions to see where he stands cause he won't tell otherwise.. he always says don't ask me now.. but than again i never get a straight answer inless he is pissed.. he tells little lies all the time.. ahhgrrr lol.. he used to be affectionate.. not no more.shoot he says i said i lluv u way too much and i wanted to cuddle too much and it drove him nuts when he would watch a movie and i would constantly just stare at him because i loved him and shoot he is sexy to me lol.. i would luv if he did this crap.. geez lol
RACEMOM:good you called a therapist and went to see her..keep it up.. don't give up on the therapy.. if it don't help ur relationship let it help u.. first off.. remember one important thing.. understand urself and ur feelings completely and work on those first!


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

Back from the weekend away, feeling great at first, but now feeling weighed down and waiting for stress to kick in. H called sat. nite while I was at wedding reception, said races were called off 4 hours ago due to rain. I asked why he wasn't here, with me, he responded, I'm not driving that far for a wedding! But yet he would have driven that far to race. We discussed this when I got home. He said racing is priority over a wedding. I said, so you and what you want are more important than me and what I want. He said no, I said yes, this went on for a while. There is no give and take with him. Am I right or wrong in feeling this way, that what he wants is more important to me? I believe this is yet more proof saying just that. What do you think?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Him not coming to the wedding IS NOT a rejection of you. Men do not think that way although I believe women take it to mean that. He's not in the wrong by not coming IMO.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

racemom-
I know I'm probably not helping matters, but to me there is nothing more boring than a wedding, unless it's my own  Especially when you think forward to what the outcome will be. One of my best friends got married and I refused to come - they had been living together for years and I did not see what all the fuss was about. I sent them a cheque to help them get started, but I could not be bothered to drive the 270 miles.

I sort of regret it now, especially as 20 years later, they are one of the few couples I know who have stayed together. They have been through a very hard time, but it seems to have made them stronger.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I can understand how a wedding could be boring, same old thing over and over. However, IMO, attendance at a family(niece's)wedding IS mandatory. There should be no questions asked. Add to that, the fact that he was willing to drive the same distance to go racing but not for this wedding kinda put the icing on the cake for me. Maybe I'm just expecting too much out of him?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I nearly didn't go to a good friends funeral. I have always thought funerals were for the benefit of those left behind - the dead don't need any help. However, I did go in the end, and also made a speech.

But I'm not sure if I will be going to another one in a hurry. I fundamentally can't stand the whole idea.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I nearly didn't go to a good friends funeral. I have always thought funerals were for the benefit of those left behind - the dead don't need any help. However, I did go in the end, and also made a speech.
> 
> But I'm not sure if I will be going to another one in a hurry. I fundamentally can't stand the whole idea.


I do not believe my thread was mistitled. How did funerals come out of not understanding my H and his priority of racing over attending a family wedding? Maybe you were on this track: I don't care for funerals, either and would rather be drug behind a moving vehicle, however, funerals are another one of those things "that you have to do." I still would love to hear from others. Am I expecting too much or over-reacting to this, is this typical male behavior, or am I right in expecting H to attend family functions?????


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## theBlameGame (May 6, 2009)

Racemom reading your post made me go "whewwww!" just because I've been there. My H and I had this situation before wherein I felt like nothing was romantic anymore and doing things with each other was just obligatory, dry and unexciting. Our arguments just flair up like we've never argued before. Then we made up just by having sex. That doesn't go well, because at the end of it all....you're still not "satisfied".

To resolve it....On special occasions, such as our birthdays, I tried not to rely on my H to make the "special plans". We both know that they are not the experts on that. So, take it into consideration to make plans just for the two of you. This would actually encourage him to see things in a different light, romantically. Plus in addition to that it may encourage him to finally get you a card, even ask you to watch a movie....or even you know...have some dessert afterwards?

Men sometimes think about having sex as a "sign" that everything is OK again. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him for assuming that everything is alright between the two of you. C'mon if YOU knew that nothing was alright why make LOVE? At that point you just sent him a message that you were, OK with the situation. I'm not saying you should oppose to having sex. Just make sure the next time you do...you really want to.

As for the wedding, I'm not sure if the men would agree with me on this but most married men i know aren't exactly thrilled to go to weddings like how they are about cars, sports and even sex. But of course, you see it as "well he'd rather go race than spend time with me at the wedding" kind of a thing, which may not necessarily be true because if you were to choose to be in either a place wherein you could have fun or a place where you feel like you were obligated to go to...what would you choose?(Be honest now...) I know it's "for you" but try to consider his feelings as well. Just encourage him to go and try make it fun for him, maybe after the wedding you can "ride" him and then maybe have a nice race to "finish". LOL

I don't know about other people but the way I see it is that people tend to expect a lot of things from their partners without even saying it. Just because you're married "you have to" do things, NO!. You should never "have to" you should always "want to" and another thing guessing games should never exist in a marriage it just creates a way to disappoint each other. Sometimes directly showing our H's what we really want help them figure things out. Though the element of the surprise is what we try to achieve, just think how much happier you would be to get what you really want, when you want it and how you want it just by saying it out loud.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

theBlameGame said:


> if you were to choose to be in either a place wherein you could have fun or a place where you feel like you were obligated to go to...what would you choose?(Be honest now...) I know it's "for you" but try to consider his feelings as well.
> 
> You should never "have to" you should always "want to"


Answer to question #1: I HAVE chosen, many times, I might add, that I go to the obligated destination. Probably why I'm not happy, I'm always trying to please everybody else! I am famous for putting everyone else before myself, just the way I am. I get more out of giving than receiving.

Comment to question #2: I AGREE, totally!!! However, I have on MANY occasions made suggestions for fun and different things to do together, as a couple and as a family. He has no interest. I have suggested bowling. Boring. I have suggested taking the kids to Chuck E. Cheese(the nearest one to us is 3 hours away, so would be a weekend away) and playing with and watching the kids have fun. He says that sounds boring. What kind of man doesn't enjoy watching his kids laugh and have fun? He is a SCROOGE!!!

Now, for today's issues. I am confused. He hasn't told me all week that I look nice when I go to work, hasn't thanked me or told me that supper was good, hasn't so much as breathed a word to me all day. What in the world is going on? He says he's tired, but really??? He questioned me as to why the UPS man was dropping off a package for H where I work. I told him he had a delivery and was there already. I don't know what's going on with him. Have had some other issues this week also. Any suggestions?????:scratchhead:


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

In my opinion..men don't generally get the "have to do things". They would much rather do what they want and do not think about the consequences in the years to come. Thats what YOU are there for, to cover for him...so he thinks. They do not generally put others before themselves. Men don't think that they need to tell you that you look good or that supper was good. They feel loved because you are feeding them...or you are having sex with them....they are very simple in this department.

Take one of those things you do for him every day, and MAKE him understand that you don't HAVE to do it for him. Like dinner....one of the things I did with my husband is...he had a very bad habit of waking me up in the morning to tell me he was going to work...duh, where else would you be going???...I am NOT a morning person and do not react kindly to being woken up like that. SO...I finally told him....every morning you wake me up to tell me something I already know...you will not get dinner that night. He now has a new outlook on something I NEED, and doesn't wake me up in the morning unless he HAS to for some reason. It's give and take and the more you give, the more he is going to keep taking until you really can't stand it any more.

Your husband sounds much the way my husband was. He can't see the point of someone...especially his wife...getting "help" because he doesn't feel he needs it. If he doesn't need it or doesn't agree with it, no one else should. He was never opened minded when it comes to "putting yourself in someone elses shoes" and could not understand something he didn't believe in. 

One of the best things I have ever done in my entire life was to attempt to NOT try to please everyone around me. This only makes you go crazy because you don't always get the outcome you are hoping for. I am not talking about praise, I am talking about it being reciprocated back to you. You can not please everyone, this is something you still have to learn I guess. It's ok if you do something for YOU, and no one else! As a mom it is extrememly hard to get that type of mentality, and i still struggle with it. But, each day you should find something to do JUST FOR YOU!

How old are your kids? Of course this does make a difference on how much you can or can not do for yourself. I have learned that being a Mom means NOTHING is ever about ME. It is always about the kids first, husband second, family third, the have to do's fourth, and somewhere down that long list is you...very close to the bottom. I am the type of person that likes to give also, and I feel selfish when I want something for ME. I was recently told that it only makes me a better Mom to put my kids first, which made me feel good, but it still doesn't get me where I want to be. 

I used to make dinner for my husband and his racing partner and take it out to the garage for them because he never had time to come in and eat with the family. I stopped doing that and told him...dinner will be on the table, it is here if you want to eat, otherwise you can have left overs. At first this didnt even phase him, but eventually he at least made time to scoff down some food with us. A baby step...not really what i was looking for, but it was a step in that direction.

I don't know how your marriage will turn out, he will have to be willing to work at it too if he wants it to last. I have seen so many many marriages go down the drain because of racing. It is very sad. I think this is one of the worst addictions a man could have.

Was he into racing before you got married?


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

My kids are ages 2 1/2 and almost 7. I now work 3 days a week(t,w,t) at a bridal shop in town. This has always been my dream job. It is nice because I get away from H and the kids and get to do something I love! It also gives me 4 days at home, to help H and be with the kids. Work is now my "me" time, as I am very busy now and don't know when else I would find time for myself. I have been talking to a therapist. This has helped me immensely, however, I feel H is nervous, as I may come to realize I don't need him anymore. We did have another fight. I told him I was done, going to leave, as we had just had this same fight(about sex, or lack of in his opinion) just 6 weeks earlier. We did some talking and decided that it is going to take a lot of work from the both of us. However, I still feel that I am too needy, as I need more little things than he can give and all he wants is more sex. We need to work on communication, also, which we both agreed on. He neglects to tell me a lot of stuff, important or not, conversations that keep a marriage going. I don't think he does it intentionally, as his excuse is always, I'm so busy, I forgot. I'd believe that some of the time, other times he just won't tell me stuff. Pisses me off. The therapist has told me to do little things for him and he will eventually do them back. I have been doing little things for him and he hasn't figured it out yet. I asked H about the little things I had been doing for him and why he hasn't been returning the favor. His reply "I'm too busy." Too busy, to tell me I look nice when I'm going to work? That does take a lot of time!!! I don't know how much longer I can stay positive and do this!


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