# Timesharing with Kids - Need Advice!



## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

Hello,

Brief Intro. Separated, money issues all agreed to, but can't agree on Timesharing with the kids. S6, D3. I would like some advice on a decision I just made.

So STBXW teaches at a high school. She leaves around 5:30 AM every morning. BC of this I have allowed her to put the kids to bed at my house. She has them on her days and then she comes over and sometimes gives them baths and hangs out with them here at my home (family home) and then puts them to bed. I get them ready and take them to school everyday. The problem is that she is rude and nasty when she is here. In most cases there will be some type of argument or comment, or dirty look given to me, and I honestly dread every time she comes by. I have said multiple times that if she continues to come over here and act this way, that I won't allow it anymore. That no court is going to force me to allow her to put them to bed at my house. And that I am doing this bc I am trying to have some type of cooperative divorce.

The final straw:

Two days ago I got really sick. Fever, chills, it was the absolute worst. I texted her "Please take the kids to my aunt's house tonight, I am incredibly sick and can't watch them."

Her response was to completely tear me down. "You are totally irresponsible." "You can't call out from being a dad." "You need to be a parent and take care of your children and your responsibilities." She eventually took them to her house and wanted me to say thank you bc she helped me out. Bc apparently that's how you do things to people. You make them feel like complete garbage and than ask for a Thank You. 

So we argued back and forth, but I woke up this morning and I said to hell with this. I told her, that I was no longer comfortable with the arrangement we had. That on her nights she can take the kids until nighttime, but when she comes over she says good night and drops them off.

I wanted to see what some people thought. I've honestly don't think I should continue the current arrangement. It has gotten me nothing. It is like whatever things I do for her, mean nothing and in return she has done nothing back. I thought maybe by allowing this setup, she would see that I was trying to have a collaborative divorce. That we could come up with a schedule that is different then anything a court would decide bc we could work together for the children. But whenever I give extra, its not appreciated, its not enough, and then she always wants more.

I have issues setting boundaries and I think this is one line I need to draw. I appreciate any feedback. Thanks!


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

That's a tough one. I am only 6 days into my seperation and I live in the family home while h is at his parents. I also teach high school, so my h is coming over at 7am every morning and getting kids ready here...then we are just doing each of usbhave then everyother night, but becausei get out of work at 3 and he doesn't till 6, I will get to see the kids from 3-6 regardless, which is. Great on my end. On nights I have the kids I tqold h he can come help puthem to bed, but if he startsled acting up I would end this. To be honesq, seeing him usually upsets me, so I am truly thinking this probably isn't a freq old idea anyways...even though we have to put our kids first, we also have to think about our sanity! Is your wife the one who left?


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

AlmostSingle,

Yes, she's the one who wanted to end the marriage. My thing is I am fine with that, but I can't have someone come into my house and constantly disrespect me in front of my children. This arrangement was made bc I wanted to make things somewhat friendly. I didn't owe this to her and I am not forced to do this. I do this bc we have children and they love their mom. And honestly I know she misses putting them to sleep. So me trying to be somewhat of a stand up guy decided to offer this arrangement. And from the start she has been a complete jerk. Unappreciative. 

Why do anything for someone who doesn't appreciate it?


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Exactly...you don't have to put up with her craps...so don't


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Is it 50/50?

What arrangement custody wise did you two make?


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

06Daddio08 said:


> Is it 50/50?
> 
> What arrangement custody wise did you two make?


She won't agree to 50/50. Long long story. But she said she would agree to a 4/3 split during the school year with a 50/50 split of holidays and summer. I'll accept that if it ends all this.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Don't let her in the house anymore. The kids don't need to see that. 
Also do you have anyone else around who can help when you are sick? I would highly advise that you build a support system so that you never have to ask her for a favor, ever. 
Start looking into baby sitters if you have to. 
Don't do her favors expecting anything in return. She is going to take whatever she can get and give nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

So here is what I decided to do. Would like some feedback from you guys.

On the days that she has the kids, if they need to sleep at my house on her nights, she can drop them off at the front, but she cannot come in. She is not welcome in the house anymore and I am going to get my key back from her today.

She wanted to pick the kids up from school everyday, including the days where they are supposed to be with me, since she gets out of work a few hours earlier. I told her no. My aunt can get them on my days and I will pick them up from my aunt's house on those days.

For custody exchanges (days I get them from her) I will meet her at a public place and will not go to her house to pick them up. I don't feel comfortable there and am not going to put myself or the kids in that situation.

So ever since this started she has been extremely pissed. Telling me how she really wanted work on the divorce together. How she was rude to me bc I did not make her feel welcomed in my home. Which is complete BS, but I know thats what these people do. 

The thing is I kinda feel like I am being a jerk. Maybe that is the codependent in me? I think these are boundaries and I need to be comfortable setting them. 

What do you guys think? Am I headed in the right direction?

THANK YOU!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

PM720 said:


> I've honestly don't think I should continue the current arrangement. It has gotten me nothing.


At the end of the day it is not about you, or her, but about the kids. What is the healthiest thing for the kids? Once you think in those terms it all becomes very clear.

I am sure that her disrespecting you in front of your kids is not healthy. It will also end badly for her. A child doesn't judge the rights and wrongs of the situation, but they do remember which parent consistently attacked the other.


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## PM720 (Oct 10, 2012)

Voltaire said:


> At the end of the day it is not about you, or her, but about the kids. What is the healthiest thing for the kids? Once you think in those terms it all becomes very clear.
> 
> I am sure that her disrespecting you in front of your kids is not healthy. It will also end badly for her. A child doesn't judge the rights and wrongs of the situation, but they do remember which parent consistently attacked the other.


It's not so much that I feel I should be getting a benefit. The most important thing is the health and well being of myself and my children. While I think that if everything could be decent, it would be best that their mom and I see the kids everyday, what I know for sure is that it is not best for the kids to see yelling and arguing.

If she is going to come into my home and be rude, nasty, and disrespectful to me, then there is no reason to allow her in my home. Yelling, arguing, fighting, will only be allowed in my home, if I allow it. So if this is happening, then it is my fault because I am allowing it to enter my home.

While it may be tougher for the kids in the beginning, I think in the end it is the right decision. Their home with me should be a safe place, where they can relax and feel comfortable. I will do everything in my power to make it that way.


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