# Caught GF sexting



## Happinessisachoice (Apr 17, 2018)

I’ve been divorced for five years. I met a woman, and we’ve been dating for a little over a year.

We are in love and talking about marriage. But I was made aware of something that has bothered me, and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this.

A week ago, I was updating her phone, and there was a text thread between her and another guy that took place at 2 am. We do not live together (she has young kids), and I was at my home. There were no pictures exchanged, but it was a long back and forth about acts with each other. Very descriptive and lurid. I don’t think I can even say what it was on this forum. The texts were very clear, detailed and it was evident that both of them were into it. (She said that she had never done anything like that before but based on the flow of the conversation, I don't believe it)

I was mortified. Needless to say, I lost it and confronted her.

We had gotten into a little argument earlier the night that she texted him, and that was the start of the discussion. She told me that she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t even remember doing it. She said she felt unwanted. I think it's bs

This guy lives in another state. He has a GF and knows she has a BF. They were friends when he lived here as far as I know, and they may have had a relationship. I ended the relationship right then. However, she texted him later and apologized to him that she made a mistake, etc. She sent me screenshots as proof, I guess.

She continued to reach out to me, apologizing profusely and asking for me to forgive her and get back together. After I cooled off, we talked, and we got back together (love is forgiving, I guess).

My problem is that I cannot get passed it. When I’m with her, I just keep thinking about it. Why would she do this? Why him? Why would she lie to me? That sort of thing, and of course the actual content of the sexually explicit texts. I may be old fashioned but I consider this cheating.

I love her but I’m just not sure if I can get passed it. I just don't trust her and think she gave excuses about it because she got called out. It really gave me a different picture of what kind of person she is.

Was I a fool to even get back with her? Should I just walk away? I’m confused at which way to go with this.

Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would consider it cheating as well. Look at your reaction to what she did, it's pretty much the same as what a person feels when they find out that their spouse has been cheating in person.

It does not sound like she's being honest as she has a pretty lame excuse and a person does not get as involved in sexting as you describe the very first time they do it. It takes a while to develop the lingo, etc. (I was married to a guy who did this over and over so I have some experience with the topic.)

If you want to try to reconcile there are some good books on the topic. Here's a link to one that a lot of people here have used. *Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity *

She has a lot of hard lifting to do because she has to prove to you that she can be trusted moving forward. I'm not sure how she's going to do that since the two of you do not live together and a lot of the things that couples to affair proof their relationship going forward are much easier done when you live together.

For example, going forward, privacy in your relationship should mean that you get to close the bathroom door when you use it. All things like online accounts need to be open.. meaning that you both have the password to each others accounts and can access them at any time... the idea is to trust but verify.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Major major red flags. Any time you are away for work, too busy with your family, a little under the weather, she gets a bit tipsy, you have a disagreement, etc and you are not giving her attention, she will use it as an excuse to do this sort of thing? She is basically cheating and you aint even married yet?  
Run for the hills, she doesn't sound very invested in you nor very grounded to be the mother of kids. What happened with her first marriage? maybe you are just a source of financial and other support? 
Dig deeper something is not right under her hood.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t marry her.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Don’t marry her.


Agree.

A red flag so BIG that even China is jealous.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

She's lying and gaslighting you. She knows exactly what she was doing.

Break up. If you marry her, you'll be back on a forum in a couple of years talking about an affair she's having.

Run away.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Happinessisachoice said:


> We are in love and talking about marriage.


^^^^ Which makes advice like ''run'' hard to heed. So much time, and effort invested. 

But, you've got a great username, Happiness Is A Choice, and I don't recall a thread where a person's username directly correlates to their situation so perfectly. The choice you make with this person regarding the sexting issue will have life long consequences. If you stay with her, you remove your choice of happiness.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry, she is not a good choice to marry. She has lied about the pills/drinks and not remembering. Don't buy that for a second. She has hid this from you. Just run. It is not worth the worry.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Happinessisachoice said:


> We are in love and talking about marriage


What love has to do with anything. Here we are talking about disrespect, YOU not being good enough or everything for her to be sexting with other men. Her actions shows you what she is capable of, with the littlest crack in a relationship. Think very, very carefully what and with whom you are getting involved with. This is a big red flag.To be honest with you, I would had dump her right there and then.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Most of the ppl giving advice on this forum have experienced terrible betrayals...and many of us went back for more only to be betrayed again...

It is not easy to leave when so much time and energy has been invested...and harder yet when it's someone you love and are attached to.

Sexting another after an argument is a huge red flag. Her trying to minimize or normalize it when confronted makes it worse.

We teach people how to treat us. What we allow will continue. She showed you who she is...believe her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Oh end the relationship. This is what she does when you have an argument. This was cheating, yes.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dump her.

Dating is a trial run at figuring out if she's the one to partner with in a larger way. She failed.

If you stay with her, know this isn't probably her first time, and almost certainly won't be her last time. Don't invest in her further and then regret it years down the road.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree with Marduk -- dating is to test how well you are together, and what sort of relationship you build together.
She failed MISERABLY.
YES what she did was cheating.
You already know that you can't accept this, it's just your love feelings that are keeping you here. Those will fade the more that this bothers you. If you think you can't get past it, start practicing the 180 so that YOU can detach.

Even if it was "her first time" (VERY Doubtful that someone can go from just regular "Hey what's up texts" to "Hey I want to do...... to you" that quickly), do you want there to be a next time that you have to deal with?


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## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

You’re acting like you have a 20 year marriage to decide about with legal, financial, property and family all confounded. You have nothing to untangle from, maybe you should get all tied up with her and commit your finite resources to raising her children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Happinessisachoice said:


> I’ve been divorced for five years. I met a woman, and we’ve been dating for a little over a year.
> 
> We are in love and talking about marriage. But I was made aware of something that has bothered me, and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this.
> 
> ...



She has two children who live with he, yet she mixes medication with alcohol to such a degree that she doesn't know what she is doing? 😲 OMG.

*And* she's a cheater? Don't walk away old chap, run like the wind.

I wonder why she is a single mother?


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## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

Like someone said. This is her way of telling you who she is. Believe her.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

If she did it once, she'll probably do it again but she'll be more careful. That wasn't just cheating, that was disrespectful. Whatever they may have had in the past, it needs to stay that way. You may love her, but the best thing you can do is to call it off and walk away. Any thing further may end up in disaster.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Run like she has the plague. She will ruin your life.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

dating is the job interview for marriage, she failed the interview.
too many people married their cheating GF, then become a BH
because she cheated again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I say it is cheating. The thing you have to decide is if you can ever trust her again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Cheating. Disrespectful. Take your pick.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

If I may echo what others have said here...

Move on. And for God sake don't get her pregnant.

Be on the look out for her 'love bombing' you should you decide to break it off. She has kids, she is getting attention from whoever she can get it from, but if the well dries up be a ninja and disappear!

I hope for your own sanity and well being you know which way deep down is the appropriate course of action.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Luminous said:


> *Move on. And for God sake don't get her pregnant.*


Re-quoted for emphasis.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Happinessisachoice said:



She told me that she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t even remember doing it.

Click to expand...

*LOL. These liars REALLY need to get some new material. She's actually employed *two* of the most common cheater ploys as her defense:

_"I had wine and Tylenol - I was drunk!" (yeah, it's always booze that makes them do it)_
_"I don't remember a thing!"_ (commonly referred to as 'cheaters amnesia')
And when those two ridiculous fairy tales didn't fly, she tried a *third* common cheater ploy, the old self pity tale - _"I was driven to it because I felt unwanted!"_ Don'tcha see, OP? It's your fault for neglecting this poor little victim. Why, the poor creature was only looking to feel wanted! And *nothing* says "I want you" quite like a mouth-breathing troglodyte explaining in great deal - via text when his girlfriend isn't around, of course - how he'd like to plow her 7 ways to Sunday.

Gosh and golly, I know that would make *ME* feel good and "wanted." 

Tell your lying girlfriend she seriously needs to get some new material.

She's a walking cliche.

Lastly, when someone is STILL lying to you, it means that covering their ass is infinitely *MORE* important to them than being honest with you because you deserve nothing less than honesty and respect. And you ain't getting that because she's STILL lying to you. So covering her ass is more important to her than coming clean with you and *respecting your pain*.

What does THAT tell you about where you stand?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Ugh, this is such a huge red flag bulls* from all over the country are converging on your house.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How do you feel about yourself having taken her back?

I tend to agree with others that I would not continue in this relationship...but I'm not you.

When you stare into the proverbial mirror, do you feel shame for taking her back? 

Do you feel like you are compromising your fundamental principles?

If so, you are best to move on before you get any more invested in this relationship. 

Lastly...and possibly most important...she has shown herself to be weak and lacking in morals in this one crucial area. Ask yourself if those values align with your own.

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Love may be forgiving (as you said) but it will make you do things that are not in your best interest.


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## bk27 (Jun 25, 2018)

This is most definitely cheating, and should be treated as such...by both of you.


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## Happinessisachoice (Apr 17, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL. These liars REALLY need to get some new material. She's actually employed *two* of the most common cheater ploys as her defense:
> 
> _"I had wine and Tylenol - I was drunk!" (yeah, it's always booze that makes them do it)_
> _"I don't remember a thing!"_ (commonly referred to as 'cheaters amnesia')
> ...


Damn She'sStillGotit, your words hit me like a train. You couldn't have been more accurate!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Happinessisachoice said:


> I’ve been divorced for five years. I met a woman, and we’ve been dating for a little over a year.
> 
> We are in love and talking about marriage. But I was made aware of something that has bothered me, and I am conflicted as to how I should handle this.
> 
> ...


I am married to a man who cruises other women routinely - it's a long story I won't go into. He's never actually done anything with anyone else, it just turns him on to do that. We've been married 30 years this year. About 5 years ago, everything came out in the open and I've tried working things out with him ever since.

It's a thing he does. He said it makes him excited and he likes thinking about the variety. 

If I had known this long ago, I would have divorced him and found another relationship that was loyal and focused. But, that's not what I have or the way it is. He tries for awhile but then relapses always.

My advice to you is from Maya Angelou: "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them."

You go from there. You decide if this is a behavior you can live with and constantly have to revisit over the years or if you want to make a clean break now and move on. I think sometimes this depends on a person's age and circumstance and what other qualities a person brings to the relationship. 

If you both are declaring that you are both monogamous, then that is the way you both agree to live. 

Don't take this the wrong way - I'm just stating facts - but some people are not monogamous minded. Some people like variety whether in reality or fantasy. I really don't think at this point in my life having experienced a spouse who likes variety, that this is something you can change anymore than you can make a gay person straight or vice versa. 

Also, some people when they are stressed emotionally will seek out a sexual remedy. If the conflict is with their primary partner, this can cause distress in the relationship. For my husband, he often seeks out a fantasy partner or cruises other women when he encounters stressors in his life. 

Bear in mind that sexual excitement and anticipation and connection - even when it isn't fulfilled, releases certain chemicals in the brain and body. These are quite addictive because they feel good. So, a person who is feeling bad may seek out behaviors to relieve the pressure of feeling bad. 

This is something that can be rerouted and changed once it's discovered IF a person is willing to work on that (wants to change) and has faith that is going to be a better solution. 

No matter what relationship you end up in, there will be aspects of it that aren't compatible because this is just life. I know this isn't a definitive answer for you - but what your girlfriend just showed you is an aspect of her personality that you will need to accept.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'll be blunt, she cheated.
You have two options: 1) Rugsweep it and lock in negative outcomes for your future or 2) Kick her to the curb and find someone who wants to be with you.
You aren't involved in a 20 year marriage with kids.
She is a girlfriend who failed her interview for the possible position of being your wife.
She is expendable, has earned that status, and should be disposed of.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Happinessisachoice said:


> We had gotten into a little argument earlier the night that she texted him, and that was the start of the discussion. She told me that she had taken a Tylenol PM and had 2 glasses of wine and didn’t even remember doing it. She said she felt unwanted. I think it's bs


When they show you haow they really are, believe them.




Happinessisachoice said:


> Was I a fool to even get back with her? Should I just walk away? I’m confused at which way to go with this.
> 
> Thank you



I think Ava Max said it best - Run, don't walk away


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Agreed with the others. It is cheating and how she treated it by trying to minimize things with excuses are huge red flags, you will have to decide if its something you are willing to put up with or not. She is responsible for her actions but you are responsible for letting her do that to you or not and you are also responsible for how you feel about it.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Your first step is to send the entire chat to his current gf!

i think marriage is AT LEAST off the table for the foreseeable future, we are talking years!!!

Personally I agree with many here that have advised getting rid of her. I do believe that dating is a tryout for marriage, and she failed miserably!!!


In my opinion, a relationship is like a stool in that it depends on 3 legs. those 3 legs are:
Love
Respect
Trust

How can anyone who sexting an ex honestly say that they love with their current bf/gf???? ......... Impossible.

How can someone claim to respect their bf/gf when you are doing Something so disrespectful???? And do you think you will EVER respect your cheating @$$ ever again? Of course not!! And it is definitely cheating!

And finally, how could you ever trust you ever again????? Will never happen! Any time you are late by 5 or 10 minutes, do you really believe that they won’t be wondering who you are flirting with or in bed with??? And anytime you walk into the room and see her switch to a different app or puts phone or laptop away, you’ll wonder who she was texting! Why would anyone want to live that way??????


Then there is the stigma that will remain for the rest of your relationship. You Will forever Wonder if you are Plan B. Will She ALWAYS Fantasy about being with the other guy???? When she is looking up at you in bed, is she fantasizing about being under him???

Why would You want To live like this????


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