# Accomodating her schedule for our sick child



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Asking for opinions here,

stbxw seems struggling to make ends meet despite me having been paying the entire cost of daycare for our son as well as any other costs that have come up (though she seems to have lots of money for concert tickets, dining out, drinking, partying, etc), and yesterday while in her custody he was sick, apparently has caught a flu from her roommate's daughter. He is supposed to be under her custody today and she thinks he is well enough to take to daycare, but called and left a message this morning saying she "if he is too sick she needs me to take the day off for him" because she has "so many clients today" and can't make other arrangements.

I'm angry that yet again I'm doing all the care-taking, why do I have to take an unpaid day off work or use up a vacation day (that I would probably have used with him anyway), or embellish and use up one of my few sick days? Obviously she is taking advantage of me and it is her responsibility to incur the cost and make arrangements for making sure he is cared for when he is with her, but my son is genuinely sick and I always have a duty to him even when he is not "with me".

Anybody have dealt with this situation or can offer any possible solutions that I can pass along to her? I will always put my son first and will take a day off if needed but how come I'm still giving her permission to walk on me? I would never demand her to take time away from her business if my son were at home sick on my days with him, even if I have coworkers putting demands on my at my job, I'd figure it out myself... I want to have rights of first refusal, and for her too but I don't want to be the only option all the time.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lon said:


> Asking for opinions here,
> 
> stbxw seems struggling to make ends meet despite me having been paying the entire cost of daycare for our son as well as any other costs that have come up (though she seems to have lots of money for concert tickets, dining out, drinking, partying, etc), and yesterday while in her custody he was sick, apparently has caught a flu from her roommate's daughter. He is supposed to be under her custody today and she thinks he is well enough to take to daycare, but called and left a message this morning saying she "if he is too sick she needs me to take the day off for him" because she has "so many clients today" and can't make other arrangements.
> 
> ...


That's a tough one. I'd take day off unpaid and deduct amount of my wage from child support. Odds of her taking that to court are slim and she won't do that again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thing is support payment are not setup yet, just got my first draft of separation agreement from my lawyer yesterday... I suppose once regular payments are in place I will have that as an option but as of now it is basically worked into daycare fees, once we separate I will be paying her child support directly but my amount for daycare will drop by about the same amount. My concern is if she starts bouncing checks for daycare then it is still my problem again, though I guess if it comes to that maybe I'd have other legal options...


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hi Lon, this is such a difficult choice to make. I would be torn between telling her "Sorry out of luck" and my instinct to watch my child. 
However, that said your son is also her responsibility. As long as you are certain that she will take good care of him. Then just tell her you are unable to take the day off. She will continue to do this if you allow her too. Unless it is an emergency and he is in the hospital then it is her responsibility. She should deal with it. If not then you should be able to have residential custody and she should be paying you child support.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You both should have a "back up plan" for when daycare is not an option. You obviously have no choice but to do it this time... but look around, ask around, find a relative or someone that can watch your child when you cannot. And she should do the same. As if you were a single parent. And her too. 
I have a few divorced friends with kids, and my b-in law has this issue with his ex. Her week of custody turns into calling him to "babysit" so she can go out or she has plans. Not his problem, and he deducted support payments. She soon enough found her own emergency childcare. If she has to pay for it, then it might as well be someone else. 

Ask her for money for today.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah I like the idea of taking money for her time. If I take a day off that's over $200 in lost salary for me, money which I need to pay the mortgage, bills, feed me and my son, PAY CHILD CARE EXPENSES, etc. My backup plan is my vacation days, and if I have to use them all up to take care of my sick child on her scheduled days when she is too busy to, there goes my own backup plan, eventually it will mean unpaid days off for me.

note: I'm kind of walking on eggshells here though, just got separation agreement drafted up, this would be a lot easier to follow through on once it is all officially in place... I started writing her a text saying if necessary I will take him and withdraw the amount of my lost wages from the joint account that has the government child support payments going into it, debating not sending it, just suck it up for now until legal separation agreement is in place...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lon said:


> Thing is support payment are not setup yet, just got my first draft of separation agreement from my lawyer yesterday... I suppose once regular payments are in place I will have that as an option but as of now it is basically worked into daycare fees, once we separate I will be paying her child support directly but my amount for daycare will drop by about the same amount. My concern is if she starts bouncing checks for daycare then it is still my problem again, though I guess if it comes to that maybe I'd have other legal options...


Then if she is a capable mom, I would be 'unavailable'. Do it once for her and she'll use you like crazy.
That said, I always caved for my ex - and I got used and abused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

deejov said:


> You both should have a "back up plan" for when daycare is not an option. You obviously have no choice but to do it this time... but look around, ask around, find a relative or someone that can watch your child when you cannot. And she should do the same. As if you were a single parent. And her too.
> I have a few divorced friends with kids, and my b-in law has this issue with his ex. Her week of custody turns into calling him to "babysit" so she can go out or she has plans. Not his problem, and he deducted support payments. She soon enough found her own emergency childcare. If she has to pay for it, then it might as well be someone else.
> 
> Ask her for money for today.


As for backup plan, I have basically my vacation days, sick days, unpaid leave plus I also have my stbxw's father and stepmother (but they have their own adopted kids to take care of and are usually unavailable). I have other backup daycares but I'm not going to send my sick kid there. I have no family in my city other than my son and my stbxw, my brother just moved in except he works 10 days on and is rarely home (plus I couldn't even come close to paying what he'd need for lost wages. I suppose I should look for babysitters that are on call during weekdays (like that will be easy!!)

anyhow I appreciate all the comments.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

My b-inlaw just charged her for the childcare costs, and went to work. He had a backup sitter. He used his vacation days for his time, not hers. He even once had the sitter come over in the evening, paid her to stay there until the wife came to pick up the child. Even though he was home. But she didn't know he was home the whole time. Said he had plans, and here's the number for the sitter for the future, you owe me $16 bucks for the 4 hours. She didn't pay, he deducted. 
She took him to court last year. She lost. I don't think he would have gotten wages back. Just childcare costs.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah, that makes good sense, I think I will keep a babysitter list handy just for that purpose... that would make a lot of sense if daycare was closed for the day and he was healthy, my only qualm about this is expecting someone to look after my son when he is ill. oh as for update, I texted her that if necessary I could take the day off and would deduct my lost wages from the joint account, she replied "he should be ok".


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