# over reacting?



## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

last night, H headed out of town for work. got a bad feeling, and checked his email. found email from woman (not the OW, a different person) he had told her he would be in town (the town where she lives) for the week. (did not ask to see her, just said he would be in town) she asked what for, he said work. she said she would like to get together before he leaves town (they have not seen each other in 20 yrs...thank you facebook) he did not agree, or disagree. she asked where he was staying, he told her. she said she would look for places to go. 
thats as far as I made it without calling him and exploding.
feels like I am back to square one.
he says I am controlling and putting him on a leash, and he hates my snooping and spying.
whats the proper way to react?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

If that was his reaction then he was hoping for something. You were right to snoop. What does he have to hide? Why shouldn't you be able to look at these things? There is more trouble lurking. How are you going to handle it?


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

he swears he had no intention of seeing her. says that she initiated the contact (which is a lie, I have access to his facebook which he does not know)
he said he planned to simply put her off when she wanted to go out by saying he was too busy studying or whatever. said he didnt want to offend someone he hadnt spoken to in 20 years by saying, nah i dont want to see you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Could you show up unannounced at his hotel and say you want to meet this mystery woman too?

Throw him a curve ball.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

he is 4 hours away....but i did think about that.
however, after a long conversation last night, he says he did not and does not have any intention of seeing her. but, i we will both be in that area in about 2 weeks, so, i am thinking of calling and inviting her to dinner with us, maybe bring her hubby.
if there is no *mischief* intended, she should say yes


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Monday25 said:


> he is 4 hours away....but i did think about that.
> however, after a long conversation last night, he says he did not and does not have any intention of seeing her. but, i we will both be in that area in about 2 weeks, so, i am thinking of calling and inviting her to dinner with us, maybe bring her hubby.
> if there is no *mischief* intended, she should say yes


Personally, I think it's worth a 4-hour-drive to clear this up.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> Personally, I think it's worth a 4-hour-drive to clear this up.


I have dug back into old fb messages. He talks to her maybe once a month and she may as well be his sister. If he's trying to "see" her, his emails don't show it. I will be up there next week. We will see how that goes. He does not get angry about my spying, but says it hurts his feelings. Maybe so. I just told him I think he has earned his current position.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If I'm reading your post correctly, your husband has cheated before. Therefore, you have every right to be suspicious. That's his fault and NOT yours. Furthermore, when a spouse accuses their partner of being too controlling and objecting to snooping, there is usually a reason they aren't comfortable with it. Someone on the level with nothing to hide, wouldn't care about these things.

I think Michzz's idea is an excellent one! Besides a nice, quiet drive might be therapeutic--plenty of time to think


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

827Aug said:


> If I'm reading your post correctly, your husband has cheated before. Therefore, you have every right to be suspicious. That's his fault and NOT yours. Furthermore, when a spouse accuses their partner of being too controlling and objecting to snooping, there is usually a reason they aren't comfortable with it. Someone on the level with nothing to hide, wouldn't care about these things.
> 
> I think Michzz's idea is an excellent one! Besides a nice, quiet drive might be therapeutic--plenty of time to think


And a "surprise" visit would be MUCH better than cluing in your H and this lady. Capiche?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

How long ago did he cheat? I think at some point you have to put trust back in the other spouse, but I don't know how long ago since he cheated so I don't know if you're checking up is going over board. If you don't put trust back in him at some point, your going to continue to have issues in the marriage. It may not be time for that - but if the affair was 2 years ago I think its time too.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

TNgirl232 said:


> How long ago did he cheat? I think at some point you have to put trust back in the other spouse, but I don't know how long ago since he cheated so I don't know if you're checking up is going over board. If you don't put trust back in him at some point, your going to continue to have issues in the marriage. It may not be time for that - but if the affair was 2 years ago I think its time too.


it was back in october of 09. very short-lived...6 week affair... like I said...I did look up the old posts and private messages to/from... he does not talk to her like a love interest. I think it's time to let go a little.


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