# Panic, stress, fear, and extreme indecisiveness



## OverwhelmedandStressed (Apr 12, 2012)

Okay, I am near the end of a bitter divorce involving my two year old daughter. We recently were successful with mediation, but when the time came to finalize everything, my wife decided she wants to work on our marriage. This in itself is a difficult decision, but let me give you some background information that complicates the matter more.

I am 28. My wife and I have been married for seven years. We had a very good marriage until the stress around moving, changing jobs, and raising a baby crept in. My wife was the one to insist on separation. She said she wanted to work on our marriage through counseling, but wanted to see other people as well. 

We were doing well with counseling. I asked (begged) her to reconsider seeing other people. She adamantly refused. Out of fear and sadness, I started seeing another girl. During this time my wife did some very hurtful things to me including not letting me see my little girl. 

My relationship with this other girl was very casual. That is, up until the time I found out she was pregnant. This added a whole new level of stress and anxiety to the equation. We have tried to cohabitate, but it has been rocky to say the least. Much of our problem has been centered around still having feelings for my wife and the life I once had.

Most recently, the new girl and I decided to separate for a bit until I can sort my emotions out. My wife is aware of all of this and wants to give it another try. Additionally, it should be known, that there is a chance this child is not even mine. 

I am extremely overwhelmed and struck with a feeling of fear and indecisiveness. It seems like no matter what I do I hurt someone. Please help me!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If your wife is wanting to see other people or try things during counseling, I bet she is looking for a better replacement for your position.

edit: go to your doctor for depression.


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## OverwhelmedandStressed (Apr 12, 2012)

> If your wife is wanting to see other people or try things during counseling, I bet she is looking for a better replacement for your position.


Well she met someone else too. I wouldn't say he was a better replacement. By many measures, I am much more successful in different areas. She has recently ended her relationship with him.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

OverwhelmedandStressed said:


> Well she met someone else too. I wouldn't say he was a better replacement. By many measures, I am much more successful in different areas. She has recently ended her relationship with him.


But you can't see it from her eyes. There are plenty of wives that left their succesful/good looking husbands for poor/unemployed drugatics.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is she dependent on you financially?


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## OverwhelmedandStressed (Apr 12, 2012)

No, she makes more than I do. She is more than capable of supporting herself comfortably. There is now a temporary child support order and I have been supporting my daughter throughout our separation.


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

I would have to know more details, but if you think you may want to work it out with the ex-wife and she wants to work it out with you, why not give it a try? Do some MC or something. Girl # 2--I dunno, paternity test? If cohabiting is getting nasty, that won't be good for child 2. If child 2 is yours, then obviously support it (both money and visitation)

But for you, I would advise some clarity--IC, meditation, silence in a sunny park. . . what do you want? Obviously, you weren't over the ex when girl #2 arrived and what is, is. But the more complicated the situation, the more clutter in your mind. You owe it to your kid(s) to be the best father you can be and take it slow with romantic relationships, whatever they may be. Exercise and eating healthy will help your mind too.


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

Oh, and situations like this will be painful. Even if you try avoiding pain, it will be futile. So accept there somebody will be hurt no matter what you do (including yourself). 

If you're going to have to pay the piper anyway, it would be good to have some clarity so that you move towards something good with integrity and down the road you will see the positive fruit (rather than bitter fruit). Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and work toward a better future. Also, typically changes for the better will get some push back as well.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

OverwhelmedandStressed said:


> No, she makes more than I do. She is more than capable of supporting herself comfortably. There is now a temporary child support order and I have been supporting my daughter throughout our separation.


Then she is interested in either you being the breadwinner or finding one.

BTW stop begging her. The weaker you look, the more she is going to space herself out from you. Man up.


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