# So why are we still together?



## Lily82 (Sep 23, 2011)

Thats what my counsellor asked. I say "my" because its supposed to be marriage counselling, but he's only gone twice. He begged me to go when I said I was thinking of leaving a few months back. He was emotionally abusive for most of last year and did a number of things that killed my trust in him. Now he's asking all the time if he's doing better.... But I dont know how to respond to that. 

He saw thecounsellor once on his own, decided he had no reason to be there. Wrote a check to her... And it bounced. He hasnt been able to keep his account out of the red in nearly 2 months, yet brags to his friends on how well he gets paid and how much better his job is than his old... Where he was fired in january. Instead of trying to fix the money problems or letting me try to help, he just keeps writing checks and ignoring autopays he had set. I dont make enough to cover everything... He hasnt paid rent in 3 months, cant pay our babysitter... Yet he scheduled a tattoo this weekend that I found out about thru a friend. (He said he had meant to talk to me about it.)

I dont know what to do...
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What's your answer to the counselor's question? Why are you still together?

Answer that and you will know what to do next.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lily82 said:


> I dont know what to do...


What do you want to do?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

He sounds very immature and irresponsible. Only you know why are are still married to this man. Ask yourself the hard questions.


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## Lily82 (Sep 23, 2011)

I ask myself it a lot lately. 
We have two kids, and they seem to be the biggest reason. I thought it was because of financial, but with his track record anymore, I've ruled that out. I'm now working a full time and 2 side jobs to try and fix things... He took out a giant chunk of his 401k (without saying anything) and says that will make things better. He did something similiar with his investments a month ago and the $900 was gone in 2 days- maybe $250 used on bills. Its like he expects everything he wants....but thinks little on what we need or can afford.
I guess I'm afraid to be alone, even with as little there is between us lately. I have bad self esteem problems, and some of the things he says just push into that. "You're so lucky to have me, you know that?" 
He encouraged me to have a night out with a friend. I didnt think it was a good idea because I had just paid a bunch of bills, but he told my friend's husband I was going anyway. I had a little cash... Had fun, yes.... But when I got home, he started talking about how we were behind on other bills and made me feel really guilty about using the money I had that night.
I know I have my faults too. I dont do my fair share at home lately. The house needs a good clean out, but I've been so tired from work I cant do it as much as I should. He has sleep apnea so he's too tired as well... He gets a sinkful of dishes washed and picks up toys.... he says I'm doing enough, then in the next breath makes comments on how bad it is.

I just feel I need to fix everything. That its all my responsibility, and I cant keep up. But if I dont, who will?
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lily82 said:


> I ask myself it a lot lately.
> We have two kids, and they seem to be the biggest reason. I thought it was because of financial, but with his track record anymore, I've ruled that out. I'm now working a full time and 2 side jobs to try and fix things... He took out a giant chunk of his 401k (without saying anything) and says that will make things better. He did something similiar with his investments a month ago and the $900 was gone in 2 days- maybe $250 used on bills. Its like he expects everything he wants....but thinks little on what we need or can afford.
> I guess I'm afraid to be alone, even with as little there is between us lately. I have bad self esteem problems, and some of the things he says just push into that. "You're so lucky to have me, you know that?"
> He encouraged me to have a night out with a friend. I didnt think it was a good idea because I had just paid a bunch of bills, but he told my friend's husband I was going anyway. I had a little cash... Had fun, yes.... But when I got home, he started talking about how we were behind on other bills and made me feel really guilty about using the money I had that night.
> ...


You know what? I used to think this way too. If I don't, who will? And you know what? I almost had a breakdown because of it. I had to admit to myself... I CAN'T DO IT ALL. You're not in a marriage and partnership to do it all. You have to stop and not worry about how it's going to be fixed. He's the source of the dismantling of your household, he's responsible for the downward spiral. 

It's the hardest thing in the world to give up control. You need to do just that. The consequences of being irresponsible need to catch up to your husband and you need to stop bailing him out and let them happen. Maybe after he's lost everything he'll realize it was his actions that caused it.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry, but you can't fix it all. You can't fix him either. You can only work on yourself. It sounds to me like he can't handle his finances or his anger. If you can't be happy by yourself then that is something you can work on. You need to be happy with you, and you need to be strong for your kids. If they see a strong happy mom who is happy with herself and taking care of them that is all that matters. Your husband sounds like he has some problems but only he can fix them.


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## Lily82 (Sep 23, 2011)

His check he insisted would fix everything came in. 

He paid 3 bills (after he told me they had been paid and ended up shut off or a collections warning), but hasnt paid the past due rent. The landlord was even at our place the day the check arrived. I had asked if I should run a check out to him but was told not to. 

A big part of me wants to take out $400 from it and just go with the kids. ($400 to compensate for the counseling sessions he made me go to so "our marriage would be better".)

I talked with a friend on it all, that I felt he was rather self absorbed anymore and only cared when problems effected him or he wants something. She agreed... She had seen it a lot as well. He's very narcisistic anymore and its driving me away. 

He cares too much about his work... we are just side projects. Hobbies... The same level as the cats. 
I wonder sometimes if they get more attention...
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lily82 said:


> His check he insisted would fix everything came in.
> 
> He paid 3 bills (after he told me they had been paid and ended up shut off or a collections warning), but hasnt paid the past due rent. The landlord was even at our place the day the check arrived. I had asked if I should run a check out to him but was told not to.
> 
> ...



He's not going to do what you would like him to do... what he should do. He's proven it once again with how he handled the bills etc. after receiving that check.

What do you want to do? I know what I would do...


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