# Unhappy with my marriage - wife for 9 years



## workingmom30 (Oct 13, 2012)

Please excuse me, for this is my first post.

(Background) 
My husband and I were high school best friends. He knocked up a girl in high school. They had the baby, and it soon became a triangle relationship. I joined the military, was without him for a year. Now me and my best friend have been married for 9 years. We never live in the same spot for longer than 3 to 4 years. We now have 2 children of our own.
I am a control fanatic, bad quality... I want to have a plan. If we go somewhere, I want to know we can financially do it. When his daughter comes to the house, I want to have tickets bought ahead of time. If it is a Friday night, I want to know what is going on this weekend, so I can get everything together the night before. My husband plans nothing. He is a very calm guy. I am high strung.

1 of our many problems
I feel like we are just room mates. We are not affectionate. Well, we aren't the lovey dovey type of people anyways. But now we aren't ever.... (He doesn't sleep in the same room with me. He hasn't ever really. For years he worked night shift. And he gets up and down all night. We just don't sleep together.) Our room was for relationship purposes if we are in it together. Well, that hasn't happened in a while. He calls it "circuit city". I do have my laptop in my room, b/c I do my homework in there. I am active duty and I am a full time student. I usually do my homework at night.
On the weekends, I beg for him to spend time with me. His answer is always well he wants to hang out with a friend. His friends are our neighbors, but it's every single weekend. They drink all night, while I play the WII with the kids or they watch a kids movie, and I just sit alone like normal. I am not one who just likes to party every weekend. I am a mother first and foremost. My kids are not going to see me like that. Every now and then to have adult time, and I get a sitter, is okay. But I am telling you this is every single weekend that he parties like he is still a kid.
***So tonight, I got the same response, he wants to hang out with his friends. So I text him, and ask him about a place we went last year. It's about an hour away. He said what about our game - we are big football fans. I asked him if we could go before. I just wanted to get the kids out of the house, and it's starting to cool off, my fav time of year. Well, he blows me off again. So I text him at midnight, and ask him to come and talk to me for a minute. He doesn't respond. So at 3:30am, I am pissed. I call and call, and tell him that I am so tired of this. Well, he just says "I'm going to sleep." On the couch I remind you.
We just have no relationship whatsoever... I just want to sit here and cry.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

if you are unfamiliar with the five languages of love, I think I would start there, though others may have better advice


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Do you think he is an alcoholic?


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## workingmom30 (Oct 13, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> if you are unfamiliar with the five languages of love, I think I would start there, though others may have better advice


I did this about 4 years ago. It made him see I was trying, and it wasn't as bad. This just happens about every 3-5 years.


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## workingmom30 (Oct 13, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Do you think he is an alcoholic?


Depends on what you call an alcoholic... Does he drink, yes. Does he drink daily, sometimes. Does he have to drink to feel normal, no. Does it get in between him and his kids, no. Does he drink to not have to deal with me, in my eyes yes. 

I don't drink often, I may have a mixed drink every now and then. He says I'm only tolerable then when I am not "on his case"


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You said he drinks all night every single weekend. Google info. on alcoholism. He wants to hang with his bros because they DRINK with him & you do not. 

Now I do not know if he is an alcoholic or not but if he is, remember the booze always comes first.

Also "control fanatics" & "very calm laid back" are like oil & water. It can only work with great communication, compromise, respect & acceptance.

I am sorry you are so unhappy, I really am.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

I agree with the others. He sounds like he may have a drinking problem. 

He's definitely "checked out" of the marriage. I would start focusing on just you and the kids. Stop chasing him and prepare yourself for single parenthood (which kinda sounds like the life you have already). You can't change him. You can only help yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy. Study up on the 180 they talk about here on TAM if you haven't already.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Desperate_Housewife said:


> *Stop chasing him and prepare yourself for single parenthood*


:iagree: 100%


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He says I'm only tolerable then when I am not "on his case"


On his case? About what? Partying? He wants to be single IMO. Marriage and family life aren't what he wants, it's not fun enough.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It sounds like he's avoiding you and he likes to drink to forget why he's doing it. You two sound like oil and water and simply don't mix well. I'm a bit of a planner and can be controlling if I don't watch it. My wife is more of a relaxed drinker like your husband. This type of relaxed person doesn't like the pressure that our type places on them. They actually will resent you for having expectations about something that seems perfectly reasonable to you. Once they build up this resentment it's really tough to turn them around. I almost lost my marriage and it's still on the rocks after 3 years of keeping my mouth shut and backing way off on my expectations. It's a tough situation. On one hand nothing will get done in our family if I don't take control and make it happen. On the other hand I can't make her to like my "plan" and have to be careful how I present it. So we are often not on the same page and now I'm becoming resentful because she doesn't want to meet me halfway. I'm not sure she knows how.

I don't think drinking every weekend with his friends is reasonable for a father of two. I think you should make him a deal. He stops drinking excessively and you lower the relationship pressure and your expectations. If he's not willing to compromise with you then you may be in real trouble. He may need a wake up call but you have to be honest with yourself about how your personality affects the situation.


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