# Dont know what to do ...please help



## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

First off I am 49 male and she is 46f. We've been togather 25 yrs and married 15. Have 4 grown children and an 8 yr old. We've had a good marriage. Until recently.
About two months ago my wife informs me that she sent a letter to an old flame from thirty years ago. She stated in the letter that she still had strong feelings for this person. At the time she told me this she seemed upset and embarressed. She stated she didnt have other contact with him and he hadnt tried to contact her.
Things around the house havent been the greatest and I got the vibe from her that she would just as soon not be around me or even talk for the past month.
About a week ago she wasnt acting right and seemed hateful towards me. She left saying she was going to the store. Well I waited about half an hour and drove by this guys house and seen the car there. I went to the house and beat on the door and the guys brother came and said he wasnt there and didnt live there. Well i waited around for about 4 hours and finally caught site of her leaving out the back way and confronted her.
She swears nothing happened and this was the first time she had contact with him. He told her that he didnt have the same feelings for her but if she wasnt married maybe thay could go out.She swears she was just waiting inside to make sure I was fgone before leaving. She says they had no physical contact. Didnt kiss or anything. She still seems mad and distant from me.
I told her I love her and want to work it out and she says she doesnt know if she still loves me and is considering moving out to sort her feelings out.
I cant seem to get none of this out of my mind. I keep replaying it over and over trying to see if there is anything I am missing.

She says it will never be the same. She betrayed my trust and there is no going back. I am inclined to believe that.I dont even know if I believe what she has told me. Its probally the truth but how do I know.
She said she is sorry but she sure dont act like it. She is still pissed at me as though i scared him off and ruined her chances wit5h him or something.
If we seperate I would like to try for custody of out son and that could get ugly. 
I dont know what to do. I dont want to lose her. I dont want to seperate. I dont want to divorce. I think she really wants to seperate and I feel that seperation will lead to divorce.
Do I let her go or beg her to stay?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yeah you don't want to lose her but I'm sorry to say that she looks like she wants to lose you. Is there some reason for this? Have you been unfaithful to her during your marriage? Drunk? Abusive? 

I can almost guarantee you that she lied to you about what went on in that house. Do you think she went there uninvited? I think not. It's highly likely that there was a good deal of intimacy involved - unless you got there within minutes of her arrival. 

What you need to do for the time being in prepare for the worst. Click on the link on my sig line (180) to get a copy of a set of guidelines for you to read and follow so that you can strengthen your spirit. 

Make arrangements to see a family law attorney as soon as possible. Keep an eye on your bank accts to ensure she doesn't drain those. 

While she's in this mood you can bet that she's making plans. Probably has already made them. 

Whatever else you do DO NOT leave your home. Don't let her cow you out of the marital bed or home. Not at all. 

Get yourself some voice activated recorders. One for her car (hide it under the seat and secure it with heavy duty velcro) and one for yourself. You need to protect yourself from false charges. She may make claims of abuse to get you out of the house. You can't trust her at the moment. 



Look, yours going to come out of this okay in the end.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think first you have to do some quiet investigating to find out the real extent of her contact with him. Check phone records, facebook, get a VAR to put in her car, etc.

If you confirm that they are having an affair, you expose it. Your chances of recovering the marriage go up if you can bust the affair.

Is the other man married?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

This was the first contact in years but he lives close by...hmmm

Probably best to not believe that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Do not beg her to stay. Tell her to go.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

It seems strange that, out of the blue, she informs you that she sent the other man (OM) a letter. That's almost always done in secrecy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

fingerfoods said:


> About two months ago my wife informs me that she sent a letter to an old flame from thirty years ago. She stated in the letter that she still had strong feelings for this person. At the time she told me this she seemed upset and embarressed. She stated she didnt have other contact with him and he hadnt tried to contact her.


Did she tell you this out of the blue? There must be a reason why.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

4 (four) hours. He says he doesn't feel the same.

Math says (4 hours x 60 minutes x 60 seconds) / 19 letters = 758 seconds were spent for each letter of that sentence.

You know what to do.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

@ walkomers.. no I haventr been abusive or cheated....ever... I have always been good to her and provided for her...

something may have went on inside the house but I dont want to believe it right now without proof. when she told me what he said to her about not having the same feelings for her she was about to cry. 

I am really thinking and hoping that this affair is mostly something emotional in her head.... but it dont change the fact that she isnt interested in me or dont love me anymore. How can you loose that after soo long.

Im gonna check out the 180 link in a minute.

@ alte Dame.. I have done some checking this past week and there is nothing on her facebook,email or cell phone. I took a half day off and followed her in a coworkers car and nothing. Thats why I tend to think that I actually caught them first contact. But how can I be SURE. I dont want to distrust her the rest of my life. The other man is not married.

I feel as though the way I am acting is driving her away. I am watching her like a hawk. and questioning everything and keep bring up what all has happened. I think she is ready to bolt. Do I need to back off and wait a while to bring it back up?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

She sent a letter to contact him? Not an e-mail or facebook contact? 

Usually when they say they are moving out, it means they have already worked out where they are moving to. I highly doubt this was first contact with OM. They have been making plans to live happily ever after.

The guy at the door was the brother? Really? You sure about that? Perhaps it was your wife's boyfriend. Or is your wife and her boyfriend using his brother's place for a hotel? 

Is OM married?


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

She informed me of the letter because she said she was afraid he would try to make contact with her.
I was outside that house and @ her car for most of that 4 hours. She might have been afraid of what I might do. Who knows.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

You'll see, when you have a peek at 180 -

The more you say "I love you" to her, the more she will step away.

180 is basically there to transform you into a "bad boy".

Implement it and watch her.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Your wife is close to my age....if I had my guess she is starting to go through the change and is having some hormonal and emotional issues associated with it. If this is really out of character for her you may want to talk to her as about getting s check up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

OMG for the last week I have been doing everything that the 180 says not to. No wonder she is ready to leave. Seriously I am doing 3/4 of the things it says not to. I must really seem nnedy right now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The value & benefit of 180 is for you. It's not a manipulative tool. It strengthens your confidence which leads to increasing your attractiveness.

It isn't a magic lamp though. If she really has fallen hard for this POSOM and is no longer in love with you then there's no changing that. 

I understand there's many good reasons you want the marriage to work. Everyone here wants that too. But often you have to be willing to let the marriage go in order have the best chance at saving it.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

You can go through Shamwow's thread to see what 180 can do. It's a bit long though.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your input. You are all so insightful its helping.

I really need to do the 180. Need to reprioritze and refocus on something else. This is eating at me so bad it is making me sick.

@mineforever, you might be onto something there. My wife has been talking about hot and cold flashes and mood swings lately. i even recall her saying she thought she was going crazy.
and shes told me she talked to her two sisters about this ( dont really know what was said) and both sisters tell her she is just being silly and emotional. who knows.

I cant understand why everything seemed fine up until about 2 and a half months ago and then BOOM. How can old feelings just pop up like that? Makes me feel like he was the ONE all along and Ive always been second [email protected] best.

Well we didnt get along at all tonight and she went to sleep on our sons bunk bed. She might be moving out tomorrow .


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Something you need to keep in mind during 180:

Waterworks: When reality kicks in, she may end up in tears. *Unremorseful *wayward crying = "I have nothing else to say and I need your nice guy faculties right about now. Come and comfort me." Be prepared.

Out of the blue sex: This is basically offered to keep your mouth shut while she can do as she pleases. Take it in stride and don't ruin the 180.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

verpin zal Re: Dont know what to do ...please help

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can go through Shamwow's thread to see what 180 can do. It's a bit long though. 

How to find this thread?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Who have you exposed the affair too? This vital!! Exposure will kill the affair. Tell her parents, sisters, age appropriate sons or daughters. Her moving out is her way out of accountability.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Shamwow's threads:

First this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ls-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html

Then this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/31388-go-time-time-go-sucks.html


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

fingerfoods said:


> First off I am 49 male and she is 46f. We've been togather 25 yrs and married 15. Have 4 grown children and an 8 yr old. We've had a good marriage. Until recently.
> About two months ago my wife informs me that she sent a letter to an old flame from thirty years ago. She stated in the letter that she still had strong feelings for this person. At the time she told me this she seemed upset and embarressed. She stated she didnt have other contact with him and he hadnt tried to contact her.
> Things around the house havent been the greatest and I got the vibe from her that she would just as soon not be around me or even talk for the past month.
> About a week ago she wasnt acting right and seemed hateful towards me. She left saying she was going to the store. Well I waited about half an hour and drove by this guys house and seen the car there. I went to the house and beat on the door and the guys brother came and said he wasnt there and didnt live there. Well i waited around for about 4 hours and finally caught site of her leaving out the back way and confronted her.
> ...


My wife going to another man's place would be a dealbreaker for me even if they just watched TV. YMMV.

The 180 is for you to move on ... not to win her back. So you should be seeing a lawyer and filing.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> I told her I love her and want to work it out and she says she doesnt know if she still loves me and is considering moving out to sort her feelings out.


'Moving out to sort her feelings out' actually means giving herself room to pursue another relationship without her husband looking over her shoulder. We hear this here all the time.

If she's on the brink of moving out, time is critical. Have you exposed her behaviour? Affairs thrive in secrecy. Don't let your wife have it. 

Expose: Tell people who will be a positive influence on her what has transpired. Appeal for their help to save your marriage. Parent's, her siblings, your pastor, etc. It'll also put her future actions into context. She will, or already has, re-written your marriage history. People in affairs know what they are doing is wrong so they give themselves permission to cheat. Get your side of the story first and let people who's opinions of her matter to her cast a spotlight on her actions.

She won't thank for it now, but she's about to walk out on her marriage and her family (what about your 8 year old? Mommy can't just wander off one day because she feels like it). Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The 180 is for your own emotional health.

It has nothing to do with saving your marriage.

Sure the by product is that your old lady starts to see a confident guy that can find any chick he wants and is emotionally healthy not to take her crap, but in the end letting her go is the only why to get her to think twice in what she is about to lose.

Dude your old lady has you number and she thinks you ain't going no were......show her she is wrong and have the confidence to wish her the best with a smile on your face...and thats it...the indifference she sees in you will get her to second guess what she is about to lose.

Again she knows you will always be plan B.

Phuck that the best revenge is to live life well and not let our chicks define us....

Once our chick think they have that power to define us we are all screwed!


Haveing been were you are almost 4 years ago I can tell you that begging and crying for your marriage just doesn't work.

No matter how weak you feel you have to fake until you make it bro....be happy for the get out of jail free card and offer to help her pack.

Cuz at the end of the day me and you ain't going to share our old ladies!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, even though your old lady is mad that your pissing on her fantasy...always remember that its just a fantasy and once the fog clears she will be filled with regret....just don't try to tell her this...it shows you still care.

Your best bet is the 180 and go crap some boxes from the store and help her pack.

Its her choice were she wants her stuff at, but if it was me I would take them over to the other guys house...hell got take some empty boxes over there and ask him or his brother were they want them....

Hell go rent a Uhual truck for the day and pull up to the guys house and park it in his drive way, then take the kids and have them go play kick ball in the guys front yard.

My point here is scare this phucker off!!!!

You can;t deal with your old lady when the guy is still in the picture...trust me ...let your old lay be pissed off but until the OM (other man) is out of the picture he will continue to infect your chick.

In short your best option is to do what ever you can to make the affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable as possible...even when it seems like it pushing her away.....hell thats what you want ...make her face her new reality....she won;t like what she sees.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You are a raging doormat. And no one wants someone with no self esteem. Which is why she pulled this crap. She knew you would do nothing.You let her define you and now she ha no respect for you. Check your man code and stop the beta act. If your marriage is dead, the only question is do you leave with your self respect? Kick her out. Thats the only way to get her respect back. Men simply do not beg to be with cheaters. Show your kids how a man deals with disrespect. Lead your family.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Saw who's car at the OM's house?

WW car or OM car?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Even if her problems are generated or exacerbated by her hormones, that's just another layer of the problem. Contacting an old flame and leaving your H of 30 years isn't a symptom of menopause. If she has hormonal issues, they could make her act out with despair, irrational thinking, etc., but it doesn't naturally follow that she will do what she is doing as a result.

Please do your best to do the 180. You sound too panicked right now to manage it 100%, so do your best. It will become more natural for you and after a while you can implement completely. At the same time, expose as others have suggested. Tell family, friends and any SO of the OM about her actions.

If she reaches a point after this where she is more 'agreeable' with you, then insist that she see a doctor to have her hormones evaluated. Make this a condition.

For now, try to get a grip and start taking care of yourself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Do I let her go or beg her to stay?


 First big mistake. DO NOT BEG!! If you do, you lose. What that shows is a sign of weakness.

Look. She's not only just cheating and betraying you, she's doing it to the whole family. You and your four children. 

Right now you need to draw a line in the sand. She spent four hours at this mans house then tells you nothing happened. Her whole attitude has changed and has put it on your shoulders with the anger issues. Four hours and then had to sneak out of his house. And if it isn't bad enough, she's sleeping in another room. The time for the gloves to come off is now. There is a total lack of respect directed straight at you and you have a choice. Either roll over and take it like a whipped puppy of stand up for yourself and your kids. 

My advice is to have the kids at someone else's house so it's just you and her. Let her know in a way that she knows that your not playing games with her and tell her that if she wants to go, you'll be more than happy to help her pack and move out, BY HERSELF. Tell her that if the old flame of 30 years ago is what she wants, then she's can go to him, the sooner the better but she has to understand that once she shuts that door to your house that there is no way she can come back because you will not take her back. One and done. Then you let her friends and family know of her decision and let the chips fall where they lay.

Trust me on this. I reunited with an old girlfriend from 40 years ago. She asked me to come back to her. Said she still loved me and we can have a good life together so I did. Know what happened? All the same quirks she had 40 years ago were still there. Except it was worse because those quirks had 40 years to grow worse than before. It lasted 6 months and THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! I moved out and never looked back. Lucky for me I didn't abandon a family because I would be living out of a suitcase. 

She think that what was once there from 3 decades ago has been just sitting there idling away waiting for her. Big mistake and sooner or later she'll find out that Prince Charming isn't the same guy form 30 years ago and by then it's too late. 

File for divorce and let her find out the hard way. If not you house will be so full of tension, that it will affect your 8 year old and your grown children.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Well she just left. going to stay with her sister. i couldnt leave it alone. Kept trying to talk to her.

She said she was going to get a job and leave. i told her to just leave now. She left.

Wow.. thats not really what I wanted, but i guess thats what she wanted in the end. She was just going to stay here and treat me like SH** until she got financially stable to do it by her self and then leave. She never talked about trying to work it out. Just said she needed space.

Right now I feel as though I would welcome her back in a second if she would just want to try to work it out. Evidently she is ready to just throw it all away. Why cant I feel like that also.?

Now here I am with my son and I have no clue what to do. I have always been the worker and she has always been the stay @ home mom.I have no one to help me take care of my son and no idea how toi get him to and from school whan I have to work and all. Very scary times indeed.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Expose! Cut her off, do you want to finance her affairs? Pack her sh!t and put it out in the front lawn!!! Time to grow some big 'ol hairy huevos!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You want to work it out because you are co-dependant. You dont know how to cook or even take care of your child. She detached when she started cheating. So its easy for her. 

Call up a family member and tell them what happened and ask for support. You should also talk to a lawyer because your wife has abandoned you and your child. See how this could affect the divorce. And you should file. Do you really want who was only using you for support and would leave her child this quickly?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're a 49 year old man. I'm sure you know how to take care of yourself and your family. You just got the wind knocked out of you and you're in shock right now. Take a deep breath, stand yourself up, dust yourself off and make a plan. 

It's time for you to go on the offensive. Time to put control of what happens to your life back in your hands. Time to stop waiting around for her to decide what is going to happen to you and your family. Time for her to be shocked that you do not need her to carry on your life. It's time now for you to lead this family!!! If that's with out her, so be it. 

Take the day off tomorrow, speak to your boss, make arrangements for child care, go see a lawyer, find out your rights as a single parent and file. Expose her to all your adult family and her's. Find a relative or friend you look up to, one you can trust for support. 

Do not show her you need her. Show her you can do as well with out her, only different. 

Print out this list. Keep it in front of you. Live it!!!

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

BTW. Make sure you eat and get enough sleep. Your son needs you healthy and in control.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

When your thoughts waver, just think about how easily she abandoned you and your kid for that famous "space".

It will help. Keep it together man.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> You're a 49 year old man. I'm sure you know how to take care of yourself and your family. You just got the wind knocked out of you and you're in shock right now Take a deep breath, stand yourself up, dust yourself off and make a plan.
> 
> It's time for you to go on the offensive. Time to put control of what happens to your life back in your hands. Time to stop waiting around for her to decide what is going to happen to you and your family. Time for her to be shocked that you do not need her to carry on your life. It's time for you to lead!!!
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Are your adult kids local? If so, call them over and explain that their mother cheated on you and has left you. See if they can help get the 8 yo to school. 

Take tomorrow off and go see a lawyer. Spend today researching online for a shark, you want to make sure you don't get a pushover. File ASAP. Divorces take time and you can always stop it but it's been demonstrated over and over on this forum that nothing shocks a cheating spouse out of the fog quicker than shockingly fast consequences. You need to file for interim custody of your youngest to make sure she doesn't move him out. Separate your finances tomorrow too. 

Don't be fooled by sentimentalism, you need to lay the wood hard and fast to deliver enough of a shock to break her out of the fog. Strange as it may seem, the best way to save the marriage is also the best way to protect yourself in case it can't be saved.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its time you start asking for support and time to exposing this affair.

I find it tinteresting how your wife wants what she can't have. She wants the OM and the OM doesn't feel the same. Maybe its time you start showing her the indifference the Om shows her....again fake until you make it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And one more thing, stop trying to talking to your wayward wife, until the OM is completely out of the picture you can't compete so stop trying.

As long as the OM is in her life she is fogged in and will not see the fantasy that this really is.

Only your action in letting her go will save your marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What's she using for money? Cut her off, she wants space let her have it. She needs to see what the real world is really like.

I would drive by her boyfriend's house and see if that is where she went.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for your support and input everyone.

@ the guy.. yes I know the indifferenceall too well. Maybe she fell out of love with me when she fell in love with this old flame.But how to get he to feel like that towards me again? or do I really even want it.E ven if it was just an emotional thing. I stiull feel as though she was cheating. I dont think I will ever really trust her again. So whats the point? Why do I want her back? 

I am off work tomorrow so I will have to find some kind of before and after school care then. Maybe see a lawyer. How to go about finding a SHARK.

Also i feel as though I pushed her out. i am responsible for her leaving before she wanted to. I am the sole breadwinner. Should I give her money or credit cards to make do while she is out and looking for a job? I am in control of most of the finances. I let her take the new car and am going to have the old car fixed so she can drive it. I suppose i will need the new car for our son.


Man this is just a big mess. I dont want to lose my marriage, but I am thinking its already trashed beyond repair.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Thanks for your support and input everyone.
> 
> @ the guy.. yes I know the indifferenceall too well. Maybe she fell out of love with me when she fell in love with this old flame.But how to get he to feel like that towards me again? or do I really even want it.E ven if it was just an emotional thing. I stiull feel as though she was cheating. I dont think I will ever really trust her again. So whats the point? Why do I want her back?
> 
> ...


You are not responsible for her leaving. She made the choice, and if she had decided the other way she'd still be there. Cut off her funding.

Don't forget, at this point your goal is to make what she's doing as unpleasant and uncomfortable for her as possible. You do the bare minimum the law requires and only when a judge orders you to do it.

As for finding a shark, if you know people who are divorced you can ask for opinions of their lawyer and the ex's lawyer. You can check yelp reviews, angies list, etc.

If your marriage is fubar then you need to protect yourself. Either way your initial actions should be the same. Once you've filed and gotten an interim custody order you can ease off and see what she does next. Do not give her the opportunity to clean out your bank accounts and max out your credit cards. Also, don't have any in person interactions with her without either a witness present or a var in your pocket. Right now you know she's not thinking in the best interests of you or your kids, so don't give her an opportunity to get you falsely arrested for domestic violence. You'll end up out on the street if she does it and you can't either play a recording for the police or have a witness to corroborate your side of the story.

If you've read all that thinking "this guy doesn't know my wife, she'd never do that" I'll remind you that a few months ago you would have said the same thing about her cheating.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> You are not responsible for her leaving. She made the choice, and if she had decided the other way she'd still be there. Cut off her funding.
> 
> Don't forget, at this point your goal is to make what she's doing as unpleasant and uncomfortable for her as possible. You do the bare minimum the law requires and only when a judge orders you to do it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey fingerfoods---you need a good 2x4 and you are gonna get it right now

1st you didn't push her anywhere, much less out to her sisters----SHE DID THAT CUZ SHE WANTED TO---she CONTACTED HER OLD LOVER CUZ SHE WANTED TO---SHE WENT TO HIS HOUSE CUZ SHE WANTED TO----none of it had a thing to do with you

The worse possible thing you might have done---is cause her to lose respect for you----BUT THAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED

OK---its like this---no matter what, your mge WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, whether she comes back or not----you have read the threads here---you know what happens after cheating

Your wife wants to be away from you----she knows, you suspect, something unseemly is going on

What you need to do now---is to grow up, ACT LIKE A GROWN MAN---take care of your 8 yr old, stop moaning about what to do, and how to do it---in all actuality, some of how you have been acting the last 6 months or longer, may have led to your wife's departure---also MGE'S GO STALE, GET BORING---it is up to the partners to make them work

She should have come to you, and asked for help---you probably should have done the same---so as to keep this mge afloat

As to now---if she ever comes back---you do not beg, show her that you are weak, nor do you DISRESPECT YOURSELF IN FRONT OF HER----if she comes back---there will be conditions, and one of them, is that she take a POLY---as to what happened during the 4 hours she was with her lover

She also signs a POST NUP----starting now---you tell her, she is to spend time with her son---so he has a somewhat normal life----you then tell her---job or not---she is responsible for half of each and every bill that is part of your mge---including---MTG, MEDICAL INSURANCE, ALL OTHER INSURANCES, CAR PAYMENT, ALL DAILY NECESSITIES OF LIVING BILLS---she pays half---cut off her CC's , and put all of the money from the marital accts in an acct with only your name on it

She wants to be free----treat her like she is free---show her all about REALITY---show her it is not gonna be so easy---and you just don't run off and be with old flames, and drop your responsibilities

BIGGEST THING OF ALL---BE CIVIL, BUT DO NOT BE OVERLY NICE, AND STAY FAIRLY DARK ON HER

Lets just see how long this little revolution of hers lasts, before she crashes and burns


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Get your car back
Do NOT give her money
Do not reach out to her(unless about children)
She choose to leave so don't take any **** about that
Expose her affair 

She didn't up and leave for some guy from 30 years ago. It's been going on for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Maybe she fell out of love with me when she fell in love with this old flame.But how to get he to feel like that towards me again? or do I really even want it.E ven if it was just an emotional thing. I stiull feel as though she was cheating. I
> 
> Also i feel as though I pushed her out. i am responsible for her leaving before she wanted to. I am the sole breadwinner. Should I give her money or credit cards to make do while she is out and looking for a job? I am in control of most of the finances. I let her take the new car and am going to have the old car fixed so she can drive it. I suppose i will need the new car for our son.
> 
> ...


I got news for you my man. Your marriage is gone. She may hang around, after she's ditched by the other guy, but its for room and board, but she knows she owns you so why not. Did she fall out of love with you? Of course she has; long before this guy came along.
What can you do to get her to feel love again? Well, she does but its not towards you and there is nothing you can do. 
You still think she was cheating? Let me ask you something Dawg. If you were a single guy and a former G/F shows up at your house who's hot to trot for you, what would you be doing during those four hours (assuming she still looks good). I'd be banging her brains out, but that's just me. I expect the other guy is a lot like me. 
Finally, you didn't cause her to leave not only you, but your kid before she was ready. She seized the opportunity my man.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey fingerfoods---you need a good 2x4 and you are gonna get it right now
> 
> 1st you didn't push her anywhere, much less out to her sisters----SHE DID THAT CUZ SHE WANTED TO---she CONTACTED HER OLD LOVER CUZ SHE WANTED TO---SHE WENT TO HIS HOUSE CUZ SHE WANTED TO----none of it had a thing to do with you
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

No money. And get the car back. The only smart thing youve done is kick her out. And she is angry, but she does respects you more than she has for years. Get the car. Get a lawyer. Go dark. By the way, you showed strength by kicking her out
so quickly, many guys here would never do it. You are gonna be just fine. And she will be begging to return before the week is up. Make her wait. She will now see how good she once had it. It will then be up to you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Also i feel as though I pushed her out. i am responsible for her leaving before she wanted to. I am the sole breadwinner. Should I give her money or credit cards to make do while she is out and looking for a job? I am in control of most of the finances. I let her take the new car and am going to have the old car fixed so she can drive it. I suppose i will need the new car for our son.
> QUOTE]
> 
> You are responsible. Your responsible for your eight year old kid. Your responsible for your life because you kid is depending on you. Think he can depend on his mother? Where is she? She cut out like a thief in the night and left not only you but that little kid too so you tell me and all the rest of us, is she worth keeping? So far she's shown that she care nothing about anyone but herself.
> ...


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Ok I might not have explained myself right.
She said she would take our son. and I told her no. She was leaving and didnt need to take him out of his house while she is trying to get her stuff togather and find a job, get her own place etc. Also who knows if she would bring my son around this guy or not. Im not taking any chances on anyone I dont know. She didnt put up much arguement but might want custody later.
Ok so should I tell her I am going to file or just let her find out when she is served. At this point i have decided that the marriage is unsalvageable.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Serve without notification.

She needs some surprise.. Though I doubt that she'll be surprised.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It doesn't matter how she finds out. 

What matters is that you follow through. 

Have you exposed her?

Are you holding up? 

Did you read the 180 list?

Read this thread too, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Did she tell you she was contacting and old flame before she did it?
Did she tell you she was going to his house before she did it?
Did she tell you ANYTHING before doing this?

You do not need to inform her of your intentions. 

Get your car back. Get a lawyer started on the divorce and have her served.

If she has access to any joint bank accounts you should open new ones and take half of everything so she cannot clean you out.

Cancel joint credit cards and get a new one in your name only.

Sign the old car over to her, give her the title and tell her she will have to get her own insurance.

Get her off your health insurance.

Change your will if you have one and leave everything to your kids. If you have life insurance - change the beneficiary.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

FingerFoods, forget about the 180. Its a bad thing to do. The only thing you can do is divorce your wife. She has craaped all over you, and forget about getting proof. No need for proof. You already have all the info that you need. Its dead. The marriage is dead and gone. Spend your time getting over it. Work on your self. Get as much custody of your kids as you can. The horse is dead so stop whipping it.

Even if you could get to R, it will never be the same. The trust will never fully come back. She craaped all over you and what she did CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.

Do what is best for you and the kids. You no longer have a partner that you can trust, and without trust What Have You Got?!?

Nothing.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

I’ve seen this before. I agree with all the comments, do 180, kick her out, separate finances etc etc. file D papers, The M is over. You have to let her go and do not call her, ignore her amd move on is the only hope for you. Take care of your buisness. This sounds different than a FB old flame affair. What is happening to her is the equivalent of her having an emotional break-down. Something 25-30 yrs ago traumatic happened with her and this guy. Its tragic to her, what ever happened. If she comes out of this she will need treatment and therapy. IF! Its called epi-genetics, post transcriptional modifications that show up yrs later in replication. Very real memory recollection like it happened yesterday. To her its real, like today, the pain is current and real. She will need professional help sooner or later. Same as war PTSD, sex abuse as a child etc etc, any real tramatic psycho event, something happened more than just a standard HS breakup. Maybe she walked in and he was having sex with another girl, traumatic and she suppressed it. I don’t know what but something probably happened. it’s a hot research area in medicine. When you said it was bam and she started acting like this made me think its different than a flame.......But you need to continue moving on, trust me its your only hope.....


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> FingerFoods, forget about the 180. Its a bad thing to do. The only thing you can do is divorce your wife. She has craaped all over you, and forget about getting proof. No need for proof. You already have all the info that you need. Its dead. The marriage is dead and gone. Spend your time getting over it. Work on your self. Get as much custody of your kids as you can. The horse is dead so stop whipping it.
> 
> Even if you could get to R, it will never be the same. The trust will never fully come back. She craaped all over you and what she did CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.
> 
> ...


The 180 when used for it's intended purpose works very well. When used as a means to try to get the WW back the results are mixed.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You are fairing better than most of the guys who show up here. You are actually not a doormat. I apologize for saying so. Do not warn her about anything you do. Move in silence. And take away all comforts. She needs to understand what her life will be like without you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

illwill said:


> You are fairing better than most of the guys who show up here. You are actually not a doormat. I apologize for saying so. Do not warn her about anything you do. Move in silence. And take away all comforts. She needs to understand what her life will be like without you.


Please do this.:iagree::iagree:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cheaters lie. Remember this, whenever her lipps are moving she is lying.

She had sex with the OM. I have no doubt. 

She said she sent a letter because why? You can't prove it. The guy lives close. This is all one big freaken lie. She is telling you part of the truth. That she has feeling for this guy.

Don't beg.

If you file, don't tell her. You are doing many of the things that a lot of us have done. Stop it. Stop acting like a needy guy. Take care of your kid. Do what ever you have to do. Sure your wife handled this in the past, now you have to do it.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

yeah women dont come forth and admit being a w-h-o-r-e until WELL after they've got their ducks in a row...

She is in love with him/fog
She has been sleeping with him'
She is relatively sure he feels the same way
She has been contemplating leaving you for him for a long time
She is just now testing the waters, getting her toes wet, knowing that she can stay with you if she decides

begging her isnt the answer...read up on the 180 and do it, sepparate bank accounts, make her sleep in spare room or on couch, or encourage her to move out...lawyer up

once she sees you arent the safety net door mat waiting for her to conveniently make up her mind, she will **** or get off the pot...

and at this point if it were me id tell her to stay on the pot, Im done...and then sit back and watch her "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome self destruct..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

This is an obvious case of your wife planning an exit affair. You absolutely need to assume she's had sex with him. Her mentioning the letter was just her attempt to spread out the eventual impact to you. She may not have all her ducks in a row yet, but she feels confident enough to start the next phase; moving out of the house.

So, your mind set has to be; OK I just have to accept what she's doing, but I don't have to make it convenient for her.

1 -Implement the 180. Don't demonstrate anger, frustration, or how much you're hurting. What you should demonstrate to her is indifference. Minimize communication to only what's necessary to talk about the children. 

2 - Don't do her any favors. Talk to an attorney, separate your finances, and don't give her a penny more than you're legally required to. If she gets angry at you, don't cave in.

3 - Expose her and him. Find out as much as you can about the OM and expose to his SO and family. Consider posting him on cheaterville.com. Expose your wife to your family and her family. Do it in a factual, non-emotional, matter of fact way.

4 - Use your time away from her to plan the D and how to go forward with your life. Don't expect her to return, but in case she tries, have a plan for that too.

This approach is best for you, but also happens to be your best chance at snapping her back into reality. If it does, post back here for further advice before you make any decisions about whether to R. You don't want to dive back into your marriage without further time away from her and all due consideration.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Fingerfoods, 

Your wife left your son the moment she mailed off that letter to the om. 

~ sammy


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Get a lawyer now. File immediately. Keep your son with you. Document that your WW abandoned the family.


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## still numb (Oct 31, 2012)

FF, 

I really feel for you sir. Your story sounds a lot like mine including the boyfriend from 30 years ago.

You are also feeling a lot of the feelings I felt and have made some of the same mistakes I made.

Right now your biggest enemy is desperation. It makes you do dumb things.

You're getting a lot of good advice here (and some bad). Try to take a deep breath and think clearly about what you need to do.

Your marriage is over. Dead. She killed it. You both probably played a role in weakening it, but she killed it. As others are saying, it's VERY likely that she is sleeping with him and has been for some time.

That's not to say that there is no chance you can ever be happy with your wife again. It's possible. There are plenty of stories here to prove it. Your relationship will never be the same, but if you BOTH want it, reconciliation is possible. 

You have to decide if that is what YOU want. In the meantime, do what you need to do to protect yourself. Protect the family money. File for divorce. Protect your son from the emotion of all of this. Take care of your health. Get some help from friends and family.

Those should be your first priorities. As hard as it is to bear, there's not much you can do right now as far as saving your relationship with your wife. Don't let that get in the way of doing the things you CAN do.

You WILL get through this. It won't be easy, but you will have better days.

Good luck.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

fingerfoods, sorry you are here.
I think she is in a full on going affair for some time now and she is 
taking her next step moving on to om. File for D ASAP and take care
of your savings as fast as you can!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"when she told me what he said to her about not having the same feelings for her she was about to cry."

He probably told her he didn't want to deal with this s**t anymore cause you were sitting outside his house and he suddenly had a clear insight that any POS who chooses to screw with another man's marriage and family is at serious risk of getting F'd up in one way or another.

He was cool with it until you brought it to his doorstep...literally... so he dumped her. But he is a POS, cause he was screwing with your WW...so he will be back around once he thinks it is safe for him to do so.

You need to seize control of this situation for yourself.

Expose your WW's A to all of your friends and family, including your adult children. Make sure they know this is the reason for her moving out, who the POSOM is, and inform them you will be divorcing her since she is unrepentant and is choosing POS over her M and kids.

Hopefully, this will destroy the A, which must be your first priority if you want any chance of saving your M.

If POS is already running away since you showed up at his place, he will undoubtedly run even faster after the exposure.

I doubt your grown children and (it sounds like) her sisters are going to be tolerant of this POS once they know. If they express their anger to him (sisters must know him from the past) he will likely disappear completely.

He was thinking that he could just quietly slink into your spot if they had been able to keep this secret and your WW dumped and divorced you.

Once he sees that he has stirred up a hornet's nest, he will probably take off for good.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "when she told me what he said to her about not having the same feelings for her she was about to cry."
> 
> He probably told her he didn't want to deal with this s**t anymore cause you were sitting outside his house and he suddenly had a clear insight that any POS who chooses to screw with another man's marriage and family is at serious risk of getting F'd up in one way or another.
> 
> ...


Uhhh, just ditto.

Also, you need to expose him to family and friends as well. Find out if he has a Facebook page and copy and paste to a Word document all the FB addresses of the people you want to send a message to. Why? Because the minute he realizes what you are doing he will shut down that FB page and you will lose access. But it won't matter as will have already gotten all the contact info you need at that point.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your words and support.

My wife came by today to bring back the car and get the old car I fixed a tire on for her to drive. She picked up some more of her stuff.And we talked for a while.
I am not going to go lie to you guys.I backpedalled. Told her it didnt have to be like this. (she says i kicked her out. I feel she went on her own.) She says we need to seperate and I feel the same except when I am around her and then i just cant seem to get a hold of myself.
Ive got before and after school care lined up for my son. I am going to take off work tomorrow also and talk to lawyers. Right now I am just going to find out all options and wait aboput a week before i file. I want to do it for the right reasons and not to try and drive her back.
I need to do more work to get myself right with all of this, because honestly I am still a mess.
As for the affair she says nothing happened. but says no matter what she says or does i will never believe her. and she is prob right.Guess it dont really matter because I cant stay with a person who wont love and cherish me. And i know that ship has sailed and we will prob never have that back...even with R. It just burns me up I feel i gotta know even if it dont matter, Just for my sanity at this point..
If she told me she has slept with him my decisions would come much easier. If she dont love me and wants out of marriage why dont she just tell me. 
You are all advising on money...here is something... I tried to give her some cash today(kinda test)and she wouldnt take until i told her that it was her moms money ( which it actually is) and then she took it. Maybe she is really remorseful and trying for independance or something. Cant really figure that one out.
Our adult children have all been informed of what is happenning. Our young son isnt aware of all that is going on yet. Some of her family knows. i havent told anyone else and am not sure who she has told about the situation. To be honest i dont have a lot of people I can confide in. One of the reasons I found my way here I guess.
Thats where i am at now. I will see what the lawyers advise tomorrow. Have to go pick up my son right now.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Stay strong. You need to be a pillar of strength for you little boy. Don't worry about her - except advise her to get a medical checkup. If she has a regular physician he/she will be able to tell immediately if there is something off with her. 

You def don't want to wake up in the middle of the night to find her trashing the house (or worse is what I'm getting at). 

In the meantime TRY to stick to the 180. It may take you several tries but you can't appear to be a hurt puppy begging for a bone when she's around. 

Be sure to see a lawyer or two. Make some phone calls and see if the first 30min - hr are free consultations before you make any appts if they are then see several lawyers. Do it soon. 

You are right, you don't have to make any decision about her today or even for the next several weeks. BUT you do need to make decisions about YOURSELF immediately. 

YOU will survive. 
YOU will be fine.
YOU will be happy again - with or without her. 

keep saying these things to yourself and believe them.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

fingerfoods said:


> Thank you everyone for your words and support.
> 
> My wife came by today to bring back the car and get the old car I fixed a tire on for her to drive. She picked up some more of her stuff.And we talked for a while.
> I am not going to go lie to you guys.I backpedalled. Told her it didnt have to be like this. (she says i kicked her out. I feel she went on her own.) She says we need to seperate and I feel the same except when I am around her and then i just cant seem to get a hold of myself.
> ...


Well, the very first thing that lawyer will tell you is to not expose as it tends to make their job a little more difficult. How, I'm not at all sure, but they do it every damned time.

You need to to fully expose first and _then_ go to a lawyer. If you do that, then you may find yourself in a much better negotiating position than you are now. Create some anarchy in this crap for your own peace of mind. Don't just lay down and let this bassturd steal your WW and family without some serious repercussions. You'll regret it forever if you do.....I promise you that.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Finger foods, you so badly want to know the truth. Did she F the other guy or not....so if she did then what will knowing change? Nothing! You are not ready to accept this but what you do know already shows valid reasons to divorce her, so why drive yourself insane wanting to know all of it? You don't need that weight placed on your already heavy life. The marriage is dead and no turning back. The quicker you accept this truth the better for your sanity.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

When my wife was cheating but I didn't know I offered to buy her a new phone because the old one had a big crack in the screen. She kept telling me no. Normally she would have jumped at it...

Your WW wanted space to be with OM, which is the real reason she moved. She's rewriting history to make it "your decision" so she can feel better about herself.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You are doing fine. Assume she had sex with him. And let that steel your resolve. Either way she is done. That much is clear. Waiting a week to file is fine as long as you actually do it. Find one person you trust and expose to them. You will need support we cannot give you. 

All in all you are in good shape. It takes time to stop caring. And if you must cry, do it alone. If you must vent, do it here.

Hang in there. It does get easier.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"If she dont love me and wants out of marriage why dont she just tell me."

Because she NEVER wants her family and your children to find out just how scummy she has been with POS.

Not only does it make her horrible, but it will make it impossible for her to bring POS around after she rids herself of you because everyone will be p****d at the both of them for ruining the family by being cheating scumbags. 

They will probably never accept this scummy POS if they know the truth about the havoc he and she wrecked on the family...and that doesn't fit her future plans in Fantasy Land.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure you tell family about her hooking up with the old flame too btw,

Thus screams full on affair including sex btw.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

She may still love you with familial love, but not romantic love. I know it's hard to get your head around, but it's one reason for the attempt to cake eat. There are other reasons as well...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Make sure you tell family about her hooking up with the old flame too btw,
> 
> Thus screams full on affair including sex btw.


:iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey finger---let it go to D, and see where things go from there---somewhere down the line, she may still realize, her thinking during this time period, was totally warped

Can you think of any good reason, why the mge, fell apart for her----

Reasons to leave, are cuz she doesn't like you, or she wants to be with her lover---otherwise, she could have stayed, and even tho the 2 of you may have lived like roommates, you would have been together, for your youngest child---but you should try and find out, why now, this late in life, she wants a change---what went wrong????????


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Advise?

I'd be dropping a GPS tracker on her car to follow he if she goes to his house again.

I would also be pulling phone and cellphone call records to see how much she really has been talking with the OM


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Right now I am just going to find out all options and wait aboput a week before i file. I want to do it for the right reasons and not to try and drive her back.
> QUOTE]
> 
> The right reasons. First she lies. Then she's at the OM's house. Then she leaves her child. Look. I know that your hurting and your life seems like it's falling apart at the seams but just take a good look at her and how easy it is for her to come back, pick up her stuff, turn around and leave and not even bat an eye lash. Never mind that she's also walking out on the kid. I think you have all the reasons you need.
> ...


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

ok she came by this afternoon to get some things for her job search. and you guys already know that i cant just let things go.
Well she finally said she kissed him during those 4 hours with him and swears that was first actual contact in like almost 30 years. She says the kiss was just a peck and they mostly just talked.
Here is the surprise.... she agreed to a lie detector test. I called around and booked one for tomorrow afternoon. Dont know what to think at the moment. Maybe it is some kind of passive confession if she flunks it?? Now I am wondering just how accurate these things are. I believe this will give me some piece of mind.
I need to work up some good questions. Should i just concentrate on just this one incident or go for full disclosure on all contact with this POS? Please give me some ideas on how to go about getting best results from the test. I knpow some of you all have been here before. And hindsight is usually better than 20/20.
No matter the outcome of the test I think the marriage is mostly unsavable. But if she is and has been truthful then it might make the split much more bareable. Hey if nothing else I can look at it as spending down the assets.lol.
Hit me with your thoughts and any questions I should ask of the test. Many thanks guys.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

She agreed to the poly because she thought you were gonna welcome her with open arms with that "we just kissed" excuse.

A full confessional breakdown is not unheard of on the way to a polygraph test, be prepared.

At this point need I remind you what "we just kissed" means in cheaters' language? You can search this forum and see what is what.

Four hours good sir. Four hours. Please. You can't be THAT naive.

Good luck.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The only way they didnt have sex was he got there before he put it between her legs and scared them by beating on the door.

Standard snooping instructions below.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex
Rclawson came up with how to get the PW on an ipad
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...eling-my-wife-cheating-me-16.html#post4692714

A poster named Stigmatizer came up with this nice app that appears to give the caller name for iphones:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...y-creepy-happening-my-home-7.html#post4769890

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/4854930-post220.html
Hi rosie!

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

I don't know if other browsers save the passwords where you can view them but you should be able to google and find out!


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Yes there could be a confession on the way to the polygraph. She may bolt and not take the test. Which is confession in itself. 
Should I concentrate questions on justh the 4 hjours that i know of. Should I somehow go with a broader range on the questions. Maybe this was an on and off affair for 30 years. 
I am looking at this as getting some questions andwerewd and as closing a door on this. I dont think for one minute this is the magic pill that will save my marriage or anything like that.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you figured out what your deal breakers would be? I would ask questions around that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Make up an entire list of questions you need answered.

Check them out with the foks hat do the test.

Find out who the police in your area use to make sure you get someone qualified.

The one thing you know is that she was already ready, willing andable to cheat even if she didn't do any more than kiss. (Which I doubt).


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Here you go...

1. Did you have sexual contact with POS on the day you were caught at his house?

2. Have you had any sexual contact with POS at any point during your M?

3. Have you had sexual contact with any other person during your M?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

She is likely bluffing. Call it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

For sure ask, if she's had sexual contact with anyone other than her husband since getting married.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

fingerfoods

do you really want to know the truth?

will it change the outcome?

what state do you live in?

HM


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

fingerfoods

do you really want to know the truth?

will it change the outcome?

what state do you live in?

HM


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Yes there could be a confession on the way to the polygraph. She may bolt and not take the test. Which is confession in itself.
> Should I concentrate questions on justh the 4 hjours that i know of. Should I somehow go with a broader range on the questions. Maybe this was an on and off affair for 30 years.
> I am looking at this as getting some questions andwerewd and as closing a door on this. I dont think for one minute this is the magic pill that will save my marriage or anything like that.


I would go for both - i.e. have you had any form of kissing or sexual contact with this man over the last 30 years apart from the 4 hours AND did you do more than just kiss during the four hours. Also add are you in love with this man AND did he reciprocate his love for you (during the 4 hours AND over the last 30 years). This should tell you what's going on. A further one is have you had sexual contact with him more than once and if so how many times.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And I agree with you needing to get the full picture for closure - very important for me.


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## fingerfoods (Oct 27, 2013)

Yes thank you . I am juist that type person that really needs to know. Might make no difference at all on the outcome. Im just hoping she dont back out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What difference does it make whether they had time for sexual intercourse. She clearly wanted it to. Ask her where his hands where during the 4-hour kiss. His fingers?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

fingerfoods said:


> Yes there could be a confession on the way to the polygraph. She may bolt and not take the test. Which is confession in itself.
> Should I concentrate questions on justh the 4 hjours that i know of. Should I somehow go with a broader range on the questions. Maybe this was an on and off affair for 30 years.
> I am looking at this as getting some questions andwerewd and as closing a door on this. I dont think for one minute this is the magic pill that will save my marriage or anything like that.


They will sit down with you and help you understand what questions to ask and their criteria. Some only allow three questions to be asked. No, you ask over the entire relationship or marriage. If they did nothing on the specific day you just wasted money. If you ask something akin to "have you ever had intimate contact that was inappropriate for a spouse, " you cover more grey areas.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She loves another man and not you. She told you this. Correct? 

Then why would she need to prove she wasn't physical with another man, to you? 

Is she trying for a chance at R?

You're going for D. Why do you need to know this information? 

Are you doing this because you feel some guilt for the situation?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

fingerfoods,

I don't blame you for wanting a poly. I'm surprised she would agree and I'll be surprised if she goes through with it.

If she takes and passes it, at least you'll know that you've done what you could to verify if it was a PA. And you'll have a better idea of what you're trying to forgive if you attempt R with her.

But don't forget, regardless if she passes, she's still attempting an exit affair. The advice you've been give doesn't change. You need to find your anger and use it to fuel your resolve to be strong, confident and indifferent.

Rarely does "nicing her back" work. To her, it makes you look all the more weak and less attractive. Start the D process and continue the 180. If she turns around that's great, but don't expect it.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

ff,
why do you want a poly?Is R what you after?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

PM user 
=Refusetobeplayed His worked hardcore.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> PM user
> =Refusetobeplayed His worked hardcore.


Talking of which, can you delete a PM, mate? I want to send you one later and apparently your inbox is full.

Apologies for the t/j, OP.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Regret can sneak up on you. Late at night. The full truth will help against that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>1. Did you have sexual contact with POS on the day you were caught at his house?

2. Have you had any sexual contact with POS at any point during your M?

3. Have you had sexual contact with any other person during your M? <

I would mod question 1 and add question 4. Think 4 is the max

1) You stated that you only pecked POS on the day you were caught, Making out is more than a peck. Did you do more than peck?

4) Are you in contact with any other males unknown to me?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> >
> 1) You stated that you only pecked POS on the day you were caught, Making out is more than a peck. Did you do more than peck?
> 
> You can't ask compound questions during a polly.
> ...


The examiner will guide him through what can and should be asked. He said he was going yesterday. Whether she took it or not, it's over either way.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fingerfoods

If your wife backs out you have your answer dont you....

HM


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