# How did you ask for a divorce?



## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

When you decided that you wanted a divorce, did you find an attorney first and then file or did you ask for one and then seek one out? My issue is $$. Finding the right attorney is the other issue. How many did you meet with before you knew who was the right one? I'm so overwhelmed right now with so many thoughts going through my head. Thinking about what I am going to lose and that includes long time friends.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You dont ASK for a divorce, this isnt something you get permission for. When I split from my first husband, I retained a lawyer first, then let him know I was leaving. Second husband, I didnt have a lawyer lined up, I just made my arrangements and told him I was done. I filed for divorce about a year later.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I live in the US, so I didn't need to ask for anything. I informed my exH I was divorcing him and started adjusting my life accordingly. As finances were an issue, we didn't have any real assets to fuss over, and we agreed on child custody, I handled filed the divorce In Pro Per (meaning, myself). The filing paperwork wasn't too complicated and the filing fees were less than $300. 

I wouldn't recommend DIY if you have assets to divide and/or disagree on custody issues. In more complicated cases, I suggest seeing a lawyer. If cost is an issue, try consulting with a lawyer for the basics and using a mediator to negotiate a settlement. Usually, mediation is less expensive.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I asked a friend who was an attorney who he recommended that would do a good job for me. I then called the law firm and scheduled a meeting. During the meeting I asked about the procedure and costs, then I proceeded to write a retainer check and got the attorney started right away. The way I "asked" was I told my wife that I was divorcing her and asked her to start thinking about how she wanted to split our assets and do custody. I told my wife that I'd prefer to not have a lengthy and expensive court battle because I'd rather we keep/divide as much of our assets as we could rather than give them to the lawyers. 

The $$ wasn't bad. I spent about $2500 total. But it was worth it to get everything done right.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Twice married, twice divorced!

I never even remotely asked for either of the divorces!

1) XW#1 showed up at my hospital bed as I was being diagnosed for coronary artery disease and told me that "divorce papers are in the mail!"

My brother literally wanted to shoot her!

2) After 6 months of her self-imposed "trial separation," RSXW slipped into my house without a word and placed a legal envelope into my sports officiating bag, which had a copy of the original petition for divorce in it! Found it 3 days later!

To wit, my two XW's do have one major commonality: they're both extremely good about stabbing folks in the heart but through the back!*


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *
> 
> 2) After 6 months of her self-imposed "trial separation," RSXW slipped into my house without a word and placed a legal envelope into my sports officiating bag, which had a copy of the original petition for divorce in it! Found it 3 days later!
> *


*

Not to TJ, but was that considered having you served? In my state, the Respondent must be served by someone over 18 who is not related to either the Petitioner or Respondent and the Proof of Service must be signed by that person before a Notary or the papers can be served by certified mail requiring a signature. Without Proof of Service, the case doesn't even get on the docket.*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Not to TJ, but was that considered having you served? In my state, the Respondent must be served by someone over 18 who is not related to either the Petitioner or Respondent and the Proof of Service must be signed by that person before a Notary or the papers can be served by certified mail requiring a signature. Without Proof of Service, the case doesn't even get on the docket.


*Divorce Service in Texas is a literal joke! Normal terms of service are from a legal process server or by certified mail!

Other than that, most anyone but a minor can actually serve. They just have to fill out a legal affidavit explaining the terms of the service process and then submit it to the Court. Upon receipt, the court then decides if and when legal service took place!

Also, the Respondent in any domestic action can waive service if he do desires!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There was no "asking". I said "I'm getting a divorce". We shared an attorney who drew up the papers that we both agreed to and then I filed and represented myself at the hearing. 

That doesn't work for everyone but it certainly makes things easier when it does work.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mine said: " I wish you'd just tell me "You're a lying ***** XXXX, and I wish you'd just get the F out and never come back"."

I obliged her. She left. We got divorced. 

Pretty simple, really.


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## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

I am in Florida. Our cars, fishing boat and business are all paid for. He has a fairly large 401. Our house is modest with a low mortgage and we have no children. I'm not sure how ugly it can get given the blow I was dealt at the first of the year (see my previous post about him being bisexual). I am trying to read up on the divorce laws in Florida. 
I know I am not happy. I don't think I ever will be. Some days I just want to take my stuff and leave and not care about the $$.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My recommendation:

See a lawyer, have him draw up papers, have him served. Then you can go through the process of separating property. If you are both reasonable, it shouldn't be that bad. The lawyers will get all your stuff if you can't come to an agreement.

You don't ask for a divorce. You tell him you are divorcing him. YOu don't have to be mean about it. You don't have to be unfair. 
With no children, the divorce part should be easy. If he cheated on you with another man, I WOULD put on the document that he committed adultery and with whom. If he doesn't want that on the document, then he may have to give a little.

It's not fun. Nothing you can do will make it easy. It's a legal, business thing as far as the property settlement. Deal with it that way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mine said: " I wish you'd just tell me "You're a lying ***** XXXX, and I wish you'd just get the F out and never come back"."
> 
> I obliged her. She left. We got divorced.
> 
> Pretty simple, really.


*How diplomatic!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Technically, you "petition" or "file" for divorce.
You don't have to ask and they can be served with no warning if you choose.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Oh geez, this has to vary so widely depending on your circumstances. I knew we would be cordial. I went to the courthouse and picked up the two different sets of paperwork. One where I filed against him, or one that we joint filed (I don't even know if those are the right terms.)

I showed him each stack...I said this stack we get to make our own decisions about our finances and our kids. This stack, we spend a ton of money on lawyers and a judge that doesn't know us makes the decisions. 

We filled out the joint ones, everything went extremely smooth, easy and quick. The only part I had to hire an atty for was a 401k that we needed a QDRO for. We had 20 years of assets, kids, cars, houses, business etc. Most people would say we were stupid to not hire attorneys, but our split was not a battle..at all. Years later I wouldn't have done anything different. YMMV.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

RooKittie said:


> I am in Florida. Our cars, fishing boat and business are all paid for. He has a fairly large 401. Our house is modest with a low mortgage and we have no children. I'm not sure how ugly it can get given the blow I was dealt at the first of the year (see my previous post about him being bisexual). I am trying to read up on the divorce laws in Florida.
> I know I am not happy. I don't think I ever will be. *Some days I just want to take my stuff and leave and not care about the $$*.


Don't do this. You still have to live and you're going to need to be able to pay for all your own needs.

Hire an attorney. I know several people who did diy divorces to save money on attorneys fees and every one of them now says it would have been worth the money to hire the attorney.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

RooKittie said:


> I am in Florida. Our cars, fishing boat and business are all paid for. He has a fairly large 401. Our house is modest with a low mortgage and we have no children. I'm not sure how ugly it can get given the blow I was dealt at the first of the year (see my previous post about him being bisexual). I am trying to read up on the divorce laws in Florida.
> I know I am not happy. I don't think I ever will be. Some days I just want to take my stuff and leave and not care about the $$.


As others have mentioned, you don't have to ask for a divorce. My ex told me she needed time to figure things out, which is code for "I'm done but don't want to say the D word." We did not have a ton of assets or investments, so we were able to separate our stuff pretty easy. No lawyer, cost $165 at the courthouse to file. We have gotten along better as co-parents than we did married, so I count myself lucky. Youngest turns 18 in a few months, so the necessity to deal with her almost diminishes to nothing.

In your case with that amount of assets, a business, and a sizable 401K, I would highly recommend getting an attorney to make sure you get your rightful share .

Before you tell your husband, I would make sure to take a few preliminary steps to prevent possible issues:

1. Learn your state statutes and develop goals you want from the divorce. Create a plan to achieve your goals.
2. Retain an attorney that will help you attain your goals.
3. Make copies of all important documents, especially the business and bank data. Store in a safe location outside of the home. Take particular note if there is a lot of cash sales with the business.
4. Keep any evidence of your husband cheating with the important documents (If it becomes necessary to use it)
5. Move any personal heirlooms that you want to keep to the safe location as well.
5. Open a new bank account at a separate bank. Just before you tell your husband, divert your funds to that account. Include 50% of joint funds.
6. Get a VAR to protect yourself from DV (If you believe that your husband may get violent).


Once you are prepared, then calmly tell your husband. You may be surprised, he may be thinking the same thing.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I got 2 recommendations of lawyers from 2 friends; the one I went with was a recommendation from my boss. My STBXH and I are going the collaborative route for divorce, which is gentler, friendlier, cheaper, and involves zero court appearances. If we want to go to court, we both will need to find different lawyers. If I were you, I would talk to divorced friends, and see if they would recommend the lawyer(s) that they used. Use Google, and contact them about their retainer fees. As to the longtime friends that you think you will lose; it's in times like this when we learn who our true friends are. Those are the people who stick by your side, and reach out to see how you're doing. The people who get upset and ditch you are the people you really don't need/want in your life anyways.


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## RooKittie (Sep 26, 2017)

Thank you everyone for the input. I'm trying to take this a day at a time, however I am scared to death! I am trying not to jump the gun and tell him I want out. I want to have all my ducks in a row first. I just wish I could blink and it would be all over. I am not good at confrontation AT ALL!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RooKittie said:


> Thank you everyone for the input. I'm trying to take this a day at a time, however I am scared to death! I am trying not to jump the gun and tell him I want out. I want to have all my ducks in a row first. I just wish I could blink and it would be all over. I am not good at confrontation AT ALL!


This is actually the hardest part of the whole process. I can remember being terrified, and it took me quite a while to actually get those words out, even once I had my ducks lined up. Just focus on the outcome.


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