# need some advice



## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

Hi all. I apologize in advance if this becomes a duplicate post as I lost my previous one. I recently discovered this site, and it seems to be full of good information and companionate people. 
Here is my story: Just made 10 years married in June, 2 kids (9&7). Things certainly felt a little 'off' leading up to D Day, she was withdrawn, avoiding me a little, but nothing outrageous. She finally sits me down and gives me the 'I love you but I am not in love with you/ type talk, and says we should separate. I was floored, totally floored. Not that day, but soon after I pressed her on weather this was about another man, she denied but finally admitted that there is someone that she is talking to, but its not what I think and its not physical, etc. 

Now, I still care for her, but I do not want to reconcile. Not that I think that would be possible even if I wanted to, as she is clear cut on splitting. Oh, and he is married. I have seen a lot of advice on here about telling the other man's wife. I don't know who he is, but I can certainly find out if I choose to take the initiative. In a case where you don't want to resolve the situation, is it better to let the affair come out on its own? 

Thank you


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

well, if you're in a state where infidelity can be used in divorce (there aren't many), it would help to have proof.

Also, if she starts bad-mouthing you, blaming you to your friends, and family, the truth can help to clear that up.

and because you have kids, that will probably be introduced to this cheating piece of crap, you should have a full picture of who he is. Maybe he's a felon, maybe he's a child molester, who knows. Protect your kids.

And her actions have consequences! she tore up the family, she doesn't get to come off as a victim, or as a wonderful person.


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

Thanks for the reply ReidWright. I am in a no fault state, so that's not really a concern. We are working out our own financial agreement (asset distribution & payments etc) neither wants to go to court. 

OK, I understand the advantages of finding out who it is, but outing him to his wife I am not totally clear on the advantages. 

I want to be clear, yes I still have some feelings, but reconciling is not something that I am considering.


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

And yes, she has been telling people a different story. Playing the victim, but I think most see through that. I know her family sees through it because they have told me.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

JJJUSTIN said:


> Hi all. I apologize in advance if this becomes a duplicate post as I lost my previous one. I recently discovered this site, and it seems to be full of good information and companionate people.
> Here is my story: Just made 10 years married in June, 2 kids (9&7). Things certainly felt a little 'off' leading up to D Day, she was withdrawn, avoiding me a little, but nothing outrageous. She finally sits me down and gives me the 'I love you but I am not in love with you/ type talk, and says we should separate. I was floored, totally floored. Not that day, but soon after I pressed her on weather this was about another man, she denied but finally admitted that there is someone that she is talking to, but its not what I think and its not physical, etc.
> 
> Now, I still care for her, but I do not want to reconcile. Not that I think that would be possible even if I wanted to, as she is clear cut on splitting. Oh, and he is married. I have seen a lot of advice on here about telling the other man's wife. I don't know who he is, but I can certainly find out if I choose to take the initiative. In a case where you don't want to resolve the situation, is it better to let the affair come out on its own?
> ...


 Wow, your almost done already and from the sound of it very decisive too, good job. Now their are a few things to do to prevent you and the situation from becoming even worse. Yes, you should in some way or another let the OM's wife know, if it was you you'd like to or want to know even if it hurt.

Protect your assets and review Divorce state law, also, make a detailed, and I do mean detailed, journal of everything you can for protection from her. Do not employ the "She'd never....." Mentality. Since you do not want to reconcile you should file for Divorce, immediately, not after lunch by right now. Get the ball rolling so YOU can have the visibility of starting the process vs playing catch up. This doesn't mean you do not have to be fair, which you can, it just means you won't have to be nice, just civil. 

Yes, she is doing him.. The "I love you but.." plus the separation need to ensure space to do what.........Not play a heated game of Jenga I am sure, it is what it is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you think about how you'd feel, if the situation was reversed? If the other man's wife knew, but you didn't, would you like to be told?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> Did you think about how you'd feel, if the situation was reversed? If the other man's wife knew, but you didn't, would you like to be told?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally agree with this because if nothing else the omw may want to get an STD test.
You should also.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The right thing to do is to tell the POS' wife. So do it. Also there's a good chance he'll drop your wife once his wife intrudes upon their little affair fantasy. 

Even though you're not interested in reconciling, I've got to think you'd rather see your wife not ride into the sunset with the POS. She doesn't deserve to simply slide effortlessly into her new life without any grief. So go tell his wife and shake things up!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

JJJUSTIN said:


> OK, I understand the advantages of finding out who it is, but outing him to his wife I am not totally clear on the advantages.


My take is that cutting her loose as you're planning is the best move. The "I love you but" speech clearly indicates her interest in you is gone or at a point where she'd only be hanging around because nothing better has come along. ( I cannot understand these cats that maneuver to keep a woman that really doesn't want to be with them.)
That said, my advice is to not tell the boyfriend's wife until you've finalized the cut with your old lady, if you tell her at all. Why take a chance to derail the train that's going to get a woman ,who at least is willing to explore other options and test drive other models, out of your hair.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Don't be plan B. Her backup plan, that is. Investigate if needed. If you made up your mind to split do so ASAP. see lawyer, split joint accounts, plan your future. 

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. Good info there.

Be strong, confident and firm regardless. Execute the 180 to detach.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First, it's highly unlikely that she hasn't had sex with him. To assume otherwise, short of proof to the contrary, would be extremely naive.

Second, good for you for knowing what you want to do. You can't R with a wife that's not remorseful anyway.

Third, if you don't want to go all detective at this point, that's probably good for your mental health. But tell the OM's wife what you know and let her decide how to handle it. She deserves to know and the OM and your wife don't deserve escaping that consequence.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Cubby said:


> The right thing to do is to tell the POS' wife. So do it. Also there's a good chance he'll drop your wife once his wife intrudes upon their little affair fantasy.
> 
> Even though you're not interested in reconciling, I've got to think you'd rather see your wife not ride into the sunset with the POS. She doesn't deserve to simply slide effortlessly into her new life without any grief. So go tell his wife and shake things up!


I don't get this. They want to divorce. Let them divorce. The W will still be the mother of his children and she will be in his life yet for years. Why make things worse?

She (almost) did the right thing and told him that she wanted a divorce reasonably quickly. He agrees. What is the problem?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You tell his wife because it's the right thing to do. He's a piece of crap looking for side action. He messed up your kids lives he deserves everything he gets except having two women.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell the other man's wife.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm struggling with the same thing. Me & my H are trying to work things out & I can't see how telling her H would do anything but cause more problems..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm struggling with the same thing. Me & my H are trying to work things out & I can't see how telling her H would do anything but cause more problems..


She has a right to know the truth so she can make an informed decision. It's also the moral thing to do.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm struggling with the same thing. Me & my H are trying to work things out & I can't see how telling her H would do anything but cause more problems..


in your case, if you are trying to reconcile, it's critical to have both betrayed spouses watching their wayward spouses to prevent a false reconciliation (a continuing affair).


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Smash this business with another man, first. She's your wife, she doesn't get that privilege.

Remind her that she took and vow and made a promise, and reign down like an evangelical camp preacher on her. She's acting like a spoiled, selfish child, so treat her like one.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm struggling with the same thing. Me & my H are trying to work things out & I can't see how telling her H would do anything but cause more problems..


"More problems" is not really the issue. The issue is immorality, lies, a deceit. Those things need to be set right first, or anything that comes after is built of shifting sand.

Get down to business. Tear the shlt down, then build whatever you choose.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

JJJUSTIN said:


> And yes, she has been telling people a different story. Playing the victim, but I think most see through that. I know her family sees through it because they have told me.


I would not be so certain that most see through it. It is amazing what some people will believe. Hell, at one point I believed I had a good wife.

Don't be afraid to set the story straight. She may not like the truth, but thats on her.

Also, tell the On my way!- she deserves to know so she can make the important life choices for herself as well including getting checked for STDs.

I hope you got checked yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

www.cheaterville.com


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> I don't get this. They want to divorce. Let them divorce. The W will still be the mother of his children and she will be in his life yet for years. Why make things worse?
> 
> She (almost) did the right thing and told him that she wanted a divorce reasonably quickly. He agrees. What is the problem?


She is making the beast with two backs with some other woman's husband. And that is a problem, she's helping destroy two families.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

The other wife has a right to know……she probably suspects…….give her the truth…..whatever you know. Don't think for a second that her husband will tell her……..sounds like lying is a part of his lifestyle……….


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP, your WW, after some prodding, did sort of confess to an A and therefore you are now in a position to make decisions based on that knowledge. The OMW may not be as fortunate. He is probably just in it for some side action and most likely has not informed his wife of his extracurricular activities. She needs to know so that she can make informed decisions as to her future as well.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Get her and yourself tested for STDs. Good for shock value that you are serious. And, that's where the nasties come from.

DNA test the kids. Again, shock value. If they're not yours, maybe the support wont be so great.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Oh, and he is married. I have seen a lot of advice on here about telling the other man's wife. I don't know who he is, but I can certainly find out if I choose to take the initiative. In a case where you don't want to resolve the situation, is it better to let the affair come out on its own?



*Whatever will help you get the best divorce decree is what your should do.* If you can use the OM and his wife to benefit your divorce then do it. If she wants to protect him then use that to your advantage. If telling the OM’s wife will help you then do that!


*You and your children are all that matters now*. Do not deviate from that priority no matter how much your emotions tell you otherwise


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

Wow, thanks so much for all the feedback everyone. A little update, I do now know for a fact that she has crossed the line in the worst way. I 'knew' it already, but needed proof. I am still struggling with the idea of blowing the affair out of the water. My gut tells me that I should proceed with getting our separation agreement signed before creating any unnecessary drama for now. 
The agreement is fair. no one is getting killed, there is a substantial amount of marital property. The risk of turning this into a battle is generating hundreds of thousands in lawyers fees.

I may sound strong here, I'm not going to lie, this hurts like hell. But I know that, for me at least, with the trust gone there is really no chance that this works.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You've got your head screwed on straight.

Whatever intel you gave gathered, make copies and keep it in a safe place. You're playing a long game, so when everything has been signed off you can go ahead and tell the OM's wife.

My guess is if the OM isn't authentic and just wants some tail, he'll drop your wife faster than a hot potato.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Don't blow it out of the water until the divorce is final. Get your house in order and hide your hand. Use her cloudy judgement to try to get what is best for you and your children. Become a void and act from there. Any action from emotions can render your plans less effective. Show understanding as if you understand, and tell her to do what is best for her. Throw her off her game, and say that you have already accept that the marriage is over. If your kind and seem understanding, her guilt might give you an edge. Use her emotions against her.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm struggling with the same thing. Me & my H are trying to work things out & I can't see how telling her H would do anything but cause more problems..


It's chess, not checkers. Telling the BS will expose the affair. That spouse will react and put pressure on it too. Then both Cheaters may pull away from the affair and usually come running home to their spouses full of shame and remorse as the false emotions of the affair will suddenly clear.

Cheaters are like c0ckroaches they hate the light shining on them. The light of exposure and truth helps break up the emotional affair bond. *poof* goes the adolescent feelings. At least one of them figures it's not worth the trouble and break up with the AP. Expose far and wide is good. Family (for support and many family members communicating and shaming the cheater). And possibly at work. HR dept can help too. Particularly if it's a boss/employee affair.

The APs spouse deserves to know. They need to know the true nature of their spouse and make an educated decision and not live the false life their cheating spouse wants for them.

If you want to D, expose later. You can use the A emotions to possibly get good D terms. If you want to break it up and maybe R, do it early, fast and hard. Serve D papers regardless as leverage. No consequences can mean a repeat rodeo later.

Each affair is unique in many ways. They also are very common in many ways. Strategy changes based on details, issues and BS desires. So what each person does differs. There is no one correct way to resolve the affair.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

JJJUSTIN said:


> Not that day, but soon after I pressed her on weather this was about another man, she denied but finally admitted that there is someone that she is talking to, *but its not what I think and its not physical, etc*.



:bsflag: 

The likelihood is small that someone is going to leave someone for someone they are "just talking to".

It was physical, in some way, you can believe that.




> Now, I still care for her, but I do not want to reconcile. Not that I think that would be possible even if I wanted to, as she is clear cut on splitting. Oh, and he is married. I have seen a lot of advice on here about telling the other man's wife. I don't know who he is, but I can certainly find out if I choose to take the initiative. In a case where you don't want to resolve the situation, is it better to let the affair come out on its own?
> 
> Thank you


Well if she wants to leave, and wants to be with MM, then it will come out unless this MM wants to cake eat.

But if it were me, I'd tell her. Why let the poor lady waste any more time acting like she has a decent husband. And in the event this MM doesn't want to divorce, and your stbxW is ok with that, then she may never find out.

Tell her. She deserves the truth, and it will take away the power of your wife and the MM to decide when things will happen.


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

Good points. I think the best course of action is to get my house in order first, get all the paperwork sorted out and signed, and proceed from there. If I were to inform his wife now and he dropped my wife, I am pretty sure it would only complicate the process.

And as I said before, the tentative verbal agreement we have (not on paper just yet) is pretty darn fair, maybe edged slightly in my favor, really depends on how you value different assets. But one thing that is for sure, if it were to become a prolonged conflict, the lawyers would be the only ones that would win and both of us would end up with less.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

exactly, right now do what is best for you and your children. She is incapable of it. The faster you get this done, the more monetary assets you keep for you and your children. Play smart, not emotional.


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

Sorry guys, but I have another question (I'm sure it won't be the last). I am somewhat conflicted on how I should act with her at home. The strange thing is, I am not overly angry, and I find this to be quite bizarre. Don't get me wrong, I am angry that I have to hand over a substantial amount of assets that I have accumulated, I am angry that I will not be able to kiss my kids goodnight every night of the week, I am angry that I have been wronged, but not necessarily that angry with her.

I wonder if it just has not set in yet? or maybe I have not been in love with her for quite some time and didn't realize it (this is what some people close to me have suggested)? Maybe I was just content and happy with the lifestyle, kids, house, vacation home etc. I'm not really sure. 

Any advice here would be great. And again, thank you all so much.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You can view it this way. You were probably in love with the idea of the life you had. Family life brought fulfillment to you. 

As time passes, and you discover more about your wife, the less you love her. You were probably more in love of the idea of her, and what you perceive her to be. 

My example is a serial killer. When close friends find out, they never saw it coming. People can put up any facade. The only true thing we know about anyone is how they express themselves. Also love will blind you too. Love can give your mate better qualities than that person really has. 

I am sure stuff that she has done to you, you thought she would never be capable of. Then discovering that she could. Maybe she didn't know that about herself either. Humans are good liars, we can deceive ourselves sometimes.

Most people that marry believe that they are not capable of cheating. They will play mind tricks and lie to themselves. Hence, the blame shifting, rewritting history, or any other justifications. They can't accept that they are capable of that. So it is you to blame. Fact is, everyone owns their own actions.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> She (almost) did the right thing and told him that she wanted a divorce reasonably quickly. He agrees. What is the problem?


Jeez, I shouldn't be surprised by now, but how many more times will people have to read your minimisations of infidelity by WWs?

For clarity: Carrying on with a married AP whilst still married is never, ever 'almost' the right thing. It's the wrong thing.

The mother of his children is deliberating wrecking TWO families.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

JJJUSTIN said:


> Sorry guys, but I have another question (I'm sure it won't be the last). I am somewhat conflicted on how I should act with her at home. The strange thing is, I am not overly angry, and I find this to be quite bizarre. Don't get me wrong, I am angry that I have to hand over a substantial amount of assets that I have accumulated, I am angry that I will not be able to kiss my kids goodnight every night of the week, I am angry that I have been wronged, but not necessarily that angry with her.
> 
> I wonder if it just has not set in yet? or maybe I have not been in love with her for quite some time and didn't realize it (this is what some people close to me have suggested)? Maybe I was just content and happy with the lifestyle, kids, house, vacation home etc. I'm not really sure.
> 
> Any advice here would be great. And again, thank you all so much.


Start doing the 180. Do you have the list for that?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP, it could be that the reality of what has happened in your life is being blocked subconsciously as a defense mechanism and that although you "know" its happening your mind won't allow you to "think through it" past the D. Or you may have been emotionally separating from her for a while. In either event, use this time to focus on getting what's best for you and your kids and if the reality does hit you later at least the dissolution part will already be handled and you can focus fully on healing and moving forward. 

As for how to act towards her, I would just go on as normally as is possible. Don't rock the boat until the dissolution part is done. After all is settled, I would definitely tell the OMW and then light the fuse and run. Good luck to you.


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Start doing the 180. Do you have the list for that?


Is there a list on this site? If so I do not have it. If someone can post a link that would be great.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

JJJUSTIN said:


> Is there a list on this site? If so I do not have it. If someone can post a link that would be great.


The Healing Heart: The 180


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

JJJUSTIN said:


> Sorry guys, but I have another question (I'm sure it won't be the last). I am somewhat conflicted on how I should act with her at home.


Just avoid her. You don't have to be hostile.

Just ignore her and don't speak. Don't walk around with a scowl on your face or anything. Just tend to yourself and the kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JJJUSTIN said:


> And yes, she has been telling people a different story. Playing the victim, but I think most see through that. I know her family sees through it because they have told me.


You discussed with them that she's cheating on you? Who else have you told? You can still switch this around if you get rid of OM and expose.


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

Q tip said:


> The Healing Heart: The 180


Thanks Q tip


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## JJJUSTIN (Nov 3, 2014)

turnera said:


> You discussed with them that she's cheating on you? Who else have you told? You can still switch this around if you get rid of OM and expose.


Hey turnera. What do you mean switch this around? Does that mean reconcile? or just to inform our circle of what really transpired?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's possible to end affairs by exposing. Affairs thrive on secrecy; when it becomes too embarrassing to keep it up, the cheater sometimes stops it and returns to the marriage. Once the 'affair fog' - the addiction to the high of the affair - goes away, they can see the truth of what they've been doing. But that almost never happens unless the BS exposes the affair to all the cheater's important people.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't believe so many here that have been her more than five minutes can give such immoral, selfish advice. This truly disgusts me. 

Karma, retribution works both ways. Being complicit in hiding an affair from another person makes you equal to the two cheaters. His wife and childrens misery is no more concern to you than than the nearest bugs. Good luck with that. What goes around, comes around.............thankfully.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Expose your wife to family and close friends. I would say do not expose at work. You need her working.

Tell the other man's wife. Really. Why would you subject her to further exploitation just to further your own ends?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think he should expose, just once his house is in order. 

What are the chances of the om breaking up with his wife, and he divorces her also? 

What happens If wifey wants to come back, and he wants a divorce. She might drag this on until they are both financially ruined. Hence, play smart. 

The world doesn't work in idealism, but realism. The good guy doesn't always win. It is usually the smarter player.

How many posters on this site became financially ruined? I would love the good guy to win. But there are stories on this site, where the ex moves in her affair partner, and the husband lives in an apartment. There is rarely fair outcomes in court. I've seen husbands kick out their wife and also moved in their affair partner.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

I'd still investigate the OM and his background because of his potential exposure to your children. 

He's probably not a registered sex offender or someone with multiple DUI's but I wouldn't take any chances. If you did find something nasty on him your lawyer can advise you what legal recourse you have to keep your children safe.

Just don't think your wife would never do that. Just don't.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

JJJUSTIN said:


> She finally sits me down and gives me the 'I love you but I am not in love with you/ type talk, and says we should separate. I was floored, totally floored. Not that day, but soon after I pressed her on weather this was about another man, she denied but finally admitted that there is someone that she is talking to, but its not what I think and its not physical, etc.


How many times have we read this lie before? It's basically the standard lie many cheaters use. It's not what the BS thinks it is...that its not physical.

Truth is usually much, much, worse. From reading the cheater websites like the old DC forum, the cheaters have been doing it like rabbit many times with every opportunity they get. And its been going on much longer than you think it has.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think he should expose, just once his house is in order.
> 
> What are the chances of the om breaking up with his wife, and he divorces her also?
> 
> ...


Selfishness is it own reward. There is no telling how a divorce will go. What we see here is that cheaters usually fight tooth and nail for everything they're entitled too. They are just as likely to be nice when both men dump them. 

How she is going to act is in her dna. It has nothing to do with the betrayed spouses actions. For now the betrayed spouse is only good for someone to blame.

Leaving the om's wife and kids swinging in the wind is tantamount to walking be a little old lady getting mugged and pretending you don't see it. 

I'll thank anyone that only thinks of themselves to stay out of my foxhole as I don't want to have to watch my back.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

FWIW, from my limited experience with a POSOM. Exposure is what he feared most. It was a great high when it was a "special secret" not so much when light shined on it.

Also, I do believe the BS has a right to know so they can make informed decisions about their life and health.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

workindad said:


> FWIW, from my limited experience with a POSOM. Exposure is what he feared most. It was a great high when it was a "special secret" not so much when light shined on it.
> 
> Also, I do believe the BS has a right to know so they can make informed decisions about their life and health.


:iagree:

There is a time and place for every thing.

Get out while you can, then tell the OMW.

So get that divorce ASAP before they break up! And they will break up so don't waste any time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Iver said:


> I'd still investigate the OM and his background because of his potential exposure to your children.
> 
> He's probably not a registered sex offender or someone with multiple DUI's but I wouldn't take any chances. If you did find something nasty on him your lawyer can advise you what legal recourse you have to keep your children safe.
> 
> Just don't think your wife would never do that. Just don't.


:iagree:

I also think this POS won't be around that long...as soon as the WW wants more out of this A the OM will drop her like a rock.

After all he already has a wife, he doesn't need two. I see WW getting needy for OM, OM doesn't want to leave his wife and drop WW in a heart beat.

This is going to go down so fast the kids won't even have a chance to meet OM.....IMHO!

If I'm wrong then after the divorced is finalized and OM is still around, then yes do a backround check and expose the hell out of this affair/"new relationship"!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

JJJUSTIN said:


> Sorry guys, but I have another question (I'm sure it won't be the last). I am somewhat conflicted on how I should act with her at home. The strange thing is, I am not overly angry, and I find this to be quite bizarre. Don't get me wrong, I am angry that I have to hand over a substantial amount of assets that I have accumulated, I am angry that I will not be able to kiss my kids goodnight every night of the week, I am angry that I have been wronged, but not necessarily that angry with her.
> 
> I wonder if it just has not set in yet? or maybe I have not been in love with her for quite some time and didn't realize it (this is what some people close to me have suggested)? Maybe I was just content and happy with the lifestyle, kids, house, vacation home etc. I'm not really sure.
> 
> Any advice here would be great. And again, thank you all so much.


 Honestly, rocking the boat won't help. If you can come out of this without losing your shirt and without a screaming and shouting match then it benefits you. Bite your tongue and when the divorce is final, then express yourself and move on. Sooner or later the OM wife will find out even if you don't tell her. look at the way your wife was acting and you caught on, so will the OM wife. Chances are he'll dump your ex and she's going to have a real mess on her hands.

You got kids too so think of them too.


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