# Hi, this is my first post!



## Ellieperry (Mar 9, 2019)

Hi everyone, I need urgent advice!
Me and my husband been married for 10 years and we don’t argue much but when we do we can be both stubborn and fiery
We have 5 year old child. 
Other night we got into silly argument and he went from 0 to 100 in anger he started shouting and he woke our daughter up. 
So I said are u happy now?! He then got right into my face, pointing and said I am a horrible woman that couldn’t just let it go loud enough him to be heard outside our daughters room. 
I was shocked and shaken up 
Following day I wrote my feelings down and messaged him and explained how this is not acceptable or great example to our daughter who will think this is how she should be spoken to...I had no reply!
We are now not talking and it’s been 3 days
I feel like I taken first step to open some kinda communication but nothing...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ellieperry said:


> Hi everyone, I need urgent advice!
> Me and my husband been married for 10 years and we don’t argue much but when we do we can be both stubborn and fiery
> We have 5 year old child.
> Other night we got into silly argument and he went from 0 to 100 in anger he started shouting and he woke our daughter up.
> ...


You are playing down your own part in this fight. You admit you can be stubborn and fiery,is it a case that you know which buttons to press and then step back and play the victim?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Ellieperry if you click the quick reply button below any post you can answer any comments on your thread and it will also show the original comment and the members name who posted.


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## Ellieperry (Mar 9, 2019)

Thank u!


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## Ellieperry (Mar 9, 2019)

I don’t play victim I usually say sorry if I am in the wrong in a argument but I never get aggressive or threatening or name calling etc .... The fight was so silly in this case I asked him which of two days we should do parents evening(meeting with teacher) and he said he couldn’t do either so I said which day then so we went back forth trying to establish Day/time and he started getting annoyed when I said u need to leave work but earlier to make it on one of the days and he just went off saying I don’t get it I am wrong about times he can come home and why don’t I just admit I have no clue
This was all in loud shouting voice which woke our little one up!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ellieperry said:


> Thank u!


No problem.
You might consider posting what you wrote in the pm. It will give other members more information about how to advise you.


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## Ellieperry (Mar 9, 2019)

I don’t want any more shouting and aggressiveness in the house as it’s not a healthy environment for ....... I have written down my thoughts about the other night...

I am shaking with fear and feel sick...tears running uncontrollably down my cheeks

What an aggressive and intimidating behaviour, invading my personal space with your hand in my face calling me a horrid woman right next to our precious daughter and raising your voice loud enough for her to hear it all. 
Anyone witnessing this would have thought I had done the unthinkable!
For the very first time tonight, I felt scared and vulnerable. 
I shouldn’t be made to feel this way in my own home. A safe environment for our girl.


I want her to grow up knowing that girls should be treated with respect and to never tolerate any man speaking to her the way you just spoke to me! 
How you treat her mum will be her bench mark for future relationships.

I am NOT responsible for your actions or how you choose to behave in an argument
Trust me I equally get frustrated and angry during an argument but I CHOOSE not to name call, make “funny” faces, get aggressive or hurtful. 
You chose to do this so you are risking breaking up this family unit...for what?!
I thought u said family is everything? 

I am heartbroken for her knowing that she may grow up in a broken home due to lack of self control and respect. 
She deserves better then this and guess what, so do I. 

My love for her and wanting the best for her outweighs everything else!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> No problem.
> You might consider posting *what you wrote in the pm*. It will give other members more information about how to advise you.


 @Ellieperry PM'ing people is not a good way to get input when you are a new member. If you keep your discussion on the open forums, more people will be able to give you input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand how upset you are about fights/arguments that explode into angry and threatening outbursts. I was married to a guy like that. Note the "was".

One thing that you need to realize is that you have complete control over how you react/act. When you recognize that a discussion is going to explode, just end the discussion. Walk away. Once I started doing this, it there were no more angry outbursts. It takes two to fight. Remove yourself from the situation.

The situation you talk about in the discussion of the parents evening can be handled by you sending him a text or an email. Simply ask him if he wants to go with you and which day does he want to go. And say that if he has no preference you will go on the 2nd day. Leave it at that.

Now back to the outburst. Him telling you that you are a horrible woman... now I was not there, so I don't know how you behave in these arguments. But, if your really do not think that you were some kind of crazy in that argument, then you seriously need to think about whether or not you want to stay married to a man who says horrid things to you and who scares you.

Have you considered geting into indivicual counseling so you have someone who can help you navagate all this.

How often do outbursts like this happen?

How much time do you and your husband spend a week, the two of you alone, doing things that you both enjoy (quality time)?


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## Ellieperry (Mar 9, 2019)

We spend 1day/wk together as family as both work full time. We don’t argue lot and he has been aggressive before but we managed to talk it out ( me taking first step) 
I feel as I have texted him my thoughts he should acknowledge it but hasn’t so I am not sure where to go from here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ellieperry said:


> We spend 1day/wk together as family as both work full time. We don’t argue lot and he has been aggressive before but we managed to talk it out ( me taking first step)
> I feel as I have texted him my thoughts he should acknowledge it but hasn’t so I am not sure where to go from here?


If he does not reply to your email, then just go alone to the school/parent night. Do not push him to be decent.

The two of you do not spend enough time together, just the two of you. That's part of why your relationship is falling apart.

There are two books that I think would help you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work. Then see if you can get him to read them with you and you both do the work together.

There is another book that would benefit you: *Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men* by Lundy Bancroft

.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Let me clarify, one day a week as a family with your child is not what will build your relationship with your husband. The two of you need to spend time together, just the two of you. The books I suggested talk about this.


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