# Wife needing advice (dominant men espeically welcome to reply)



## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

My H and I have been together for a very long time (14+ years), and we have a really great relationship, small children to keep us busy, etc. My husband is the greatest guy ever: smart, funny, athletic, hardworking, great dad, you name it. The only area that has ever much lacked in our relationship is sex. We've always had it (at least once a week even in the "slow" phases - and the last 4 years since we had kids it has been mostly slow), but our sexual relationship has never been as intense as I'm sure either of us would like. I'm largely to blame I'm sure because I have a lower drive and have historically "rolled over and played dead" when I didn't feel up to the act. I always enjoy it once it starts, but I just don't feel a lot of desire beforehand and I'm so tired all of the time that it just seems like a lot of work.

However, the problem for me I have come to realize is that I need him to get me going and there is virtually no foreplay. I can tell when he is "in the mood" but he seldom truly initiates sex, he waits for me to respond to cues which would be completely unnoticeable to anyone else on the planet. (I again accept responsibility that my previous rejections, although not ever direct rejection, just kind of going to sleep or ignoring, have probably made him hesitant to pursue sex outright). In order to really get me going, I NEED him to be highly aggressive. Male dominance is my only turn-on. During intercourse, he can get pretty rough (which is a good thing) but I don't know how to explain that incorporating some of that attitude beforehand would = more interest from me, better sex, and more sex. Win/win I suppose. 

I just can't find a way to express this. As a 35 year old woman, I'm not sure I've ever even been drunk enough to say, "I really want you to put me over your knee and spank me HARD" (which is what I want more than ANYTHING). He's figured out that I like that sort of action (along with hair pulling and general manhandling) during sex. He hasn't figured out that acting in an aggressive manner before we engage would make me far more interested in sex. I know my fantasies well enough to know that if he actually did just randomly grab me and spank me I would HAVE TO HAVE HIM THEN. He could get what he wants whenever he wants it. So obviously this would be a good thing for him, too, BUT I JUST CAN'T SAY IT!!! Advice? Especially from the men (or women who have successfully conveyed these types of desires to their husbands?)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You need to get comfortable with telling him what you want.

Also you can seduce him. That can be your way of initiating. He will get the idea. 

But you are going to need to tell him what you want. Baby steps. He is probably afraid to push things too far. So you need to guide him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you can't say it, don't expect him to be able to do it. Sorry sweetie, you have to be fully able to have adult conversations about your own sex life with your husband before you get to actually HAVE that type of sex life with your husband.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Does he like to read?
Why not pick up a few of Shala Blacks books.. I know it's 'mommy porn' but I noticed a change in my wife when she read some of her books.
Being curious I read them too. It was like a light bulb going off. 
We are much more adventurous nowadays. We play a lot of games, i have to admit I was a little nervous taking charge. But now I am kind of in to it. 
I know when she needs to be taken in hand, not opposed to bending her over my knee as needed.
I honestly did not think she would be into this, but she sure does like to be taken charge of. 
So, read the books, have him read them and then openly discuss your desires with him. Yu may be surprised at the outcome.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just tell him you were a "bad girl" and need a spanking.

If he asks you what you did makes some crap up like you cut soemone off or were bad to your self in the shower.

Then tell him you would feel better if he could spank you.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you can't say it, don't expect him to be able to do it. Sorry sweetie, you have to be fully able to have adult conversations about your own sex life with your husband before you get to actually HAVE that type of sex life with your husband.


No condescension needed; I didn't give my life story but suffice it to say there are reasons I find it difficult to talk about sex. I get what you are saying, but there are often other pieces to the puzzle when it comes to Internet strangers, you know ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry if it was perceived as snarky...but it is still the same answer. None of us get to just get what we want without communicating it clearly.

I didn't need your life story (though I'm not saying it isn't relevant) to point out what I did about being able to communicate. If you have issues that are preventing you from communicating, then you need to address those issues, and then maybe you can experience the fun you are hoping for.

You can also check out my blog if you want...my husband behaves in the way you want yours to...I talk a lot about communication but I also talk about fun rough sex play. I have actually had several women tell me that they have read my blog and then sent it to their husbands or boyfriends, so they can then discuss some of the ideas I present.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry if it was perceived as snarky...but it is still the same answer. None of us get to just get what we want without communicating it clearly.
> 
> I didn't need your life story (though I'm not saying it isn't relevant) to point out what I did about being able to communicate. If you have issues that are preventing you from communicating, then you need to address those issues, and then maybe you can experience the fun you are hoping for.
> 
> You can also check out my blog if you want...my husband behaves in the way you want yours to...I talk a lot about communication but I also talk about fun rough sex play. I have actually had several women tell me that they have read my blog and then sent it to their husbands or boyfriends, so they can then discuss some of the ideas I present.


Thanks a lot. I am sorry if I misinterpreted you at first - tone carries poorly in type. . And I know you are right about the communication factor; it's just a tough bridge for me to cross. Could you send me a link to your blog? 

I also want to say to avoid anyone's misunderstanding I wasn't sexually abused or anything; but there is a background to my trouble with talking about sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I know my fantasies well enough to know that if he actually did just randomly grab me and spank me I would HAVE TO HAVE HIM THEN. He could get what he wants whenever he wants it. So obviously this would be a good thing for him, too, BUT I JUST CAN'T SAY IT!!! Advice? QUOTE]

If this is something your want...........really bad...........you have to remember that he's not a mind reader. Need a push?

Go on line and find a site that specializes in spankings and call him over to the computer and show him what you found. When he looks at it with you, do your best acting and show him that it really got your interest and act turned on by it. Then give him "THAT" smile and say "looks like fun in a low whisper that he can hear. If he's awake and conscious he'll see that your turned on by it. This is the time when actions speak louder than words. If he sees your turned on, then it's "Bottoms up". If he still doesn't get the message, lay over his lap and drop your pants and hand him a hair brush and say "Just go easy" You have to remember that sometimes men are blockheads and need a guiding hand. I know. I'm a guy. If a woman did that for me, I would oblige her wishes. Just make sure that you have a safe word.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Couple of ideas to help Mickey

1. Find porn that contains what you like, watch with him or send to him.

2. Encourage him by setting the stage and inviting him to play with you. Don't expect him to read your mind. Do invite him. Dress is something inappropriate, call him upstairs and have a mess on the floor and explain how awful you feel and how you really feel you Need to be corrected firmly.

3. Watch the movie Secretary together. Show up at the end in a pencil skirt and heels and down cast eyes.


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## DaveWalters (Aug 26, 2013)

If your H is suffering from a long period of frequent rejection, he's could very well be gun shy. Men take a such a bad wrap (from LD partners) for being too sexually centered, too gropey, always pawing at their wifes. Men, too want to be pursued, want to feel desired, too.

Man generally don't read the subliminal non-verbals that women use. We like spoken English, descriptive, 11-grade reading level. If you ask us for something specific, you will likely receive it.

If your arousal is based upon a dominant manly man persona, you have to talk to your husband first, and give him the green light to use this tactic on you, and when he does, you've got to be ready to deliver the goods.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Couple of ideas to help Mickey
> 
> 1. Find porn that contains what you like, watch with him or send to him.
> 
> ...


The Mickey reference was cute LOL. Not much for porn, but Secretary is a good thought...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

DaveWalters said:


> If your H is suffering from a long period of frequent rejection, he's could very well be gun shy. Men take a such a bad wrap (from LD partners) for being too sexually centered, too gropey, always pawing at their wifes. Men, too want to be pursued, want to feel desired, too.
> 
> Man generally don't read the subliminal non-verbals that women use. We like spoken English, descriptive, 11-grade reading level. If you ask us for something specific, you will likely receive it.
> 
> If your arousal is based upon a dominant manly man persona, you have to talk to your husband first, and give him the green light to use this tactic on you, and when he does, you've got to be ready to deliver the goods.


I wouldn't say I frequently rejected him, but more indirectly, he could tell I wasn't interested as often as he was. I never complained or anything, but certainly he could sense my lack of enthusiasm much of the time and I'm sure that affected him. 

And I am totally ready to deliver the goods 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

minimouse said:


> The Mickey reference was cute LOL. Not much for porn, but Secretary is a good thought...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love the scene at the end when she sends him off to work and puts the dead bug on the bed and smiles. You can tell the character is squirming with anticipation.


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## Huzzah (Sep 11, 2013)

Nothing would turn me on more then if my wife would just tell me that she wants to be punished for all the wrong that she has done. Just do it babe!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Just do what my wife did and leave a book open on your reading device about OTK spanking or a web page that deals with such matters. He will get the message. I did.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do you play fight? Mr H knows that if I jump him and try to get him to the ground that it is on. He is a big, hands on sort of guy which makes it easy though, he picks me up and carries me to the bedroom, pulls my hair, bites me and knows all the right moves.

We don't have a huge history behind us but have very quickly learnt what we both like by talking and doing. But one of the greatest ways to get what you want is to encourage when your partner does things that get you going, reinforce the goods moves.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Life can be very confusing for men in the 21st century. We have, rightfully, been encouraged to be less dominant, more in touch with the needs of our partners, more sensitive etc. Yet it seems most women want us to instinctively know that all that needs to be put aside when it comes to sex. We are expected to know that what they are after is our inner neanderthal, a hair-pulling, ass-slapping misogynist who roughly takes what he wants. 

We are sent mixed messages and then you are surprised when we get it wrong. 


Check out what Louis CK has to say:

Louis C.K. Rough Sex - YouTube


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Life can be very confusing for men in the 21st century. We have, rightfully, been encouraged to be less dominant, more in touch with the needs of our partners, more sensitive etc. Yet it seems most women want us to instinctively know that all that needs to be put aside when it comes to sex. We are expected to know that what they are after is our inner neanderthal, a hair-pulling, ass-slapping *misogynist *who roughly takes what he wants.
> 
> We are sent mixed messages and then you are surprised when we get it wrong.
> 
> ...


No, we don't like or want misogynists but just because a man partakes in some rough play in no way means he is a misogynist. As long as there are boundaries that include respect then this can be some fun bedroom play.

I agree mixed messages are wrong (on both sides) but if a couple have good, clear communication there there should be no problems in regard to what they like, dislike, where their boundaries are, respect and desires.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Holland said:


> No, we don't like or want misogynists but just because a man partakes in some rough play in no way means he is a misogynist. As long as there are boundaries that include respect then this can be some fun bedroom play.
> 
> I agree mixed messages are wrong (on both sides) but if a couple have good, clear communication there there should be no problems in regard to what they like, dislike, where their boundaries are, respect and desires.


That is not very realistic. The kind of men who are 'respectful' of your 'desires' and 'boundaries' are generally not the kind of men who are going to spontaneously pull your skirt up, bend you over their knee and give you a thorough spanking.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mixed messages --- CHECK


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Minni...at the bottom of my posts is the link to my blog (the marie franklin blogspot one below). I think the link will take you to the most recent post, so there's a note on top of the blog that tells you how to go to the first post.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Minni...at the bottom of my posts is the link to my blog (the marie franklin blogspot one below). I think the link will take you to the most recent post, so there's a note on top of the blog that tells you how to go to the first post.


Thanks I have been viewing from my phone and it doesn't show on the mobile site. I will log on from my computer later. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Maybe this link to one of my posts about playing rough will work on the app...

I Married a Sex God: 16. Submission…or Throwdown?


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Sometimes in life, you just have to say things. No subtlety, no hints, no cloaking, no soothing. This is one of them. Your husband will probably be more than willing to give you what you want.


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## DaveWalters (Aug 26, 2013)

minimouse said:


> I wouldn't say I frequently rejected him, but more indirectly, he could tell I wasn't interested as often as he was. I never complained or anything, but certainly he could sense my lack of enthusiasm much of the time and I'm sure that affected him.
> 
> And I am totally ready to deliver the goods
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you're in a good place, and willing to compromise. Don't underestimate the power of conversation. Plan an evening where you can turn off the TV (exclude NFL Game days) sit across from him, reach out for his hands, and give him some specific ways in which you want to be approached. Tell him what you've been thinking about, and how important it is for you to be emotionally stimulated. Give him a challenge to perform sometime in the next several days, and tell him if he meets your challenge, he will be rewarded in a very naughty manor. 

Again, you can get through to a lot of men just by speaking very plainly and directly. We like that. Our minds work more simply than yours. Men LOVE to accommodate. Ask and ye shall receive.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think men have this in them or they don't AND some that do have had it beaten out of them to the point they can't access it anymore. That said, rent The Secretary (movie) and watch it. If it appeals to you then watch it with him. Its a great intro...not too heavy not too light. Don't say a word.....when its over turn it off and be the lioness letting her mate know its time for him to take what's his. Let yourself go and give him a lot of positive feedback. If he has an ounce of Dom in him he will be getting the picture. If he wants to talk and ask questions after that then fine but sometimes its better to discover together then talk too much. Good luck.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

No one else sees a conflict between "clear communication" and the spontaneity that makes sex fun? A computer needs "clear communication" in form of code to perform exact calculations. Two people can enjoy a little guessing--it makes hitting jackpot more rewarding. Heck, you might even realize you like something you haven't considered or may have disliked in the past.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"No one else sees a conflict between "clear communication" and the spontaneity that makes sex fun?"

There is no reason that you can't both communicate AND have spontaneity. You don't have to communicate in the moments that are spontaneous...you communicate during times that are best for communication.

When you live a kinkster lifestyle, you must communicte. Trying to do it without communication will never be satisfactory. Again, communication does not kill spontaneity.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Fill out a survey after each sexual encounter.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> I think men have this in them or they don't AND some that do have had it beaten out of them to the point they can't access it anymore. That said, rent The Secretary (movie) and watch it. If it appeals to you then watch it with him. Its a great intro...not too heavy not too light. Don't say a word.....when its over turn it off and be the lioness letting her mate know its time for him to take what's his. Let yourself go and give him a lot of positive feedback. If he has an ounce of Dom in him he will be getting the picture. If he wants to talk and ask questions after that then fine but sometimes its better to discover together then talk too much. Good luck.


I agree that men, to a degree, have the dominating side or they don't. I know that my husband does, because he has no hesitation in manhandling me during actual sex. It's just that I need the rough play to get interested in sex, so I invariably start out somewhat disinterested until he starts to go there. So if he would incorporate that into foreplay, I would want sex much more often.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Thinking about doing some of the stuff wrote about on this thread with my wife gets me incredibly aroused. However, I have tried and big swing a miss.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

minimouse said:


> I agree that men, to a degree, have the dominating side or they don't. I know that my husband does, because he has no hesitation in manhandling me during actual sex. It's just that I need the rough play to get interested in sex, so I invariably start out somewhat disinterested until he starts to go there. So if he would incorporate that into foreplay, I would want sex much more often.


What kind of rough foreplay are you looking for? 

I can speak from experience that if he's been trying over the years and has been shut down often, either verbally or non-verbally, then he's going to be gun shy about trying anything new. Especially with a LD wife who seems somewhat sexually suppressed and can't communicate effectively what she wants. I don't intend for that to sound mean as my wife is the exact same way. 

Just trying to understand the communication process. You stated in your original post that "he hasn't figured out" what you want. Are you hoping he'll just figure it out on his own? Have you given him hints but he just isn't picking up on it? Told him plainly but he just won't do it? 

And how did you figure out what you want after not wanting much sex before? 

Sorry for all the questions but your train of thought seems to be very similar to the way my wife thinks and I'd love to learn something.

To answer your question, if your husband is like me, I would love direct talk or if you can't bring yourself to talk about it, then show him. The power of, "I love it when you do that," or even a simple, "yes" or "mmm" can do wonders. My wife struggles with both methods and it really hurts both of us in the long run. Hope you can find a way to communicate what you want to him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> That is not very realistic. The kind of men who are 'respectful' of your 'desires' and 'boundaries' are generally not the kind of men who are going to spontaneously pull your skirt up, bend you over their knee and give you a thorough spanking.


My life examples are the complete opposite of what you are saying. Can tell you that finding a man like this is pure bliss for women, this is what many of us want.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Agree with Holland. It is pure bliss to have a man roughly handle you and takes you on a great sexy ride....who also loves you, is committed to you, devoted to you, and is a great family man. It also isn't that rare, I've known and dated more than one man like this.

I've also dated men who think that by not handling you sexually and roughly they are being "respectful", but they didn't come across as "respectful" they came across as "afraid of sexuality".


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

In The Dark said:


> What kind of rough foreplay are you looking for?
> 
> I can speak from experience that if he's been trying over the years and has been shut down often, either verbally or non-verbally, then he's going to be gun shy about trying anything new. Especially with a LD wife who seems somewhat sexually suppressed and can't communicate effectively what she wants. I don't intend for that to sound mean as my wife is the exact same way.
> 
> ...


No apologies needed. I want to clarify that I have not made a habit of rejecting my husband sexually. Our frequency has always been 1-3 x a week (excluding immediately after giving birth to our children of course). However I'm sure he has had no trouble figuring out that my interest level is lower than his. If I wanted to have sex at any time, he would be instantly ready. I am not always ready (but I have always kept in mind that my drive shouldn't be the sole consideration) and sometimes sleep would be preferable to me. Nothing would be preferable to him than sex. It took me time to understand that sex is the primary way he gets the message that I love him. I realize that I need to communicate to him in his language, not in mine.

I should also note that I met H when I was in my late teens and have only ever had sex with him. So I had zero past experience to work with. I have always known I was attracted to dominant men, however realizing what that means to me in regard to my sexual response was a discovery process. Knowing that the best and most exciting moments for me in bed involve being manhandled, spanked, thrown around and knowing that outside of sex, a show of dominance excites me (even if it angers me a little, it still turns me on bizarrely)I have concluded that a more aggressive approach to initiating sex would go miles toward making me want to have sex more often. He is a pretty alpha guy in real life, but he's also not a pushy guy and I think his passive approach to initiating sex (basically just waiting for me to start) is a way of avoiding rejection and of not feeling like he is bothering me or something. For a time, I thought I just really didn't have much of a sex drive, but the reality is that I do, it just needs to be turned on (where his is always on). 

My responses have shown him what I enjoy during sex. My female brain thinks he would connect the dots to incorporate that attitude into foreplay. I know the male brain is different. I just have trouble figuring out how to approach expressing exactly what I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Can you explain why you are hesitant to talk to him?

You fear you would hurt his feelings perhaps?

You fear if you tell him you would like more of these behaviors, he will hear it like "I don't like you the way you are?"


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Can you explain why you are hesitant to talk to him?
> 
> You fear you would hurt his feelings perhaps?
> 
> You fear if you tell him you would like more of these behaviors, he will hear it like "I don't like you the way you are?"


Im not sure I can totally explain it; the things you mentioned definitely enter my mind. There is also certainly a part of me that feels like there is something wrong with wanting what I want (I know rationally that there is nothing weird about my desires, but that doesn't change my feelings). I guess there is also a fear of pouring this information out and having it rejected and then I would be crushed and it would ruin even the fantasy for me then. Idk why I worry about that as he doesn't hesitate to dominate once sex has started, but I just can't help fearing it. We have such a great relationship overall that i hesitate to throw in monkey wrenches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

minimouse said:


> ........
> 
> My responses have shown him what I enjoy during sex. My female brain thinks he would connect the dots to incorporate that attitude into foreplay. I know the male brain is different. I just have trouble figuring out how to approach expressing exactly what I want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He isn't a mind reader, none of us are, communicate with him. Maybe you just need to figure out the how and the when. 

So if in bed and he does something that turns you on then praise him, tell him how much that turns you on. Show him and tell him just how damn sexy he and his actions are to you. 

Outside of bed, what is your communication like? Personally I can get very shy about some topics but my partner understands me and when I start to get tongue tied he simply tells me to take a breath and talk, this is all it takes. I do find it easier and quite enjoyable to have these discussions when we have a bath together, a bottle of bubbly helps


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl, it will be fine. Just tell him. He's going to love it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

we posted at the same time OP. I was going to ask if this was more an issue with you than him. Let it go, sounds like he enjoys what you do but you just want some more intensity or more often. Talk to him, sounds like you two are in a good place so don't be afraid, embrace what you have together.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

I think you should just be open with your husband. You just never know, your husband may share the same fantasy and is afraid to bring it up. I have a similar fantasy as yours and brought it up to my husband and he had the same fantasy but was afraid to act out on it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Holland said:


> My life examples are the complete opposite of what you are saying. Can tell you that finding a man like this is pure bliss for women, this is what many of us want.


Did you tell him what you wanted though? The OP is expecting him to guess.

I just don't believe that your respectful partner who is aware of your boundaries manhandled you and treated you roughly on the off chance that you were into it. You must have signalled what you wanted. 

It is grossly unfair to expect men to be gentle and sensitve out of the bedroom and rough and commanding in bed, without letting them know that is what you want.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Did you tell him what you wanted though? The OP is expecting him to guess.
> 
> I just don't believe that your respectful partner who is aware of your boundaries manhandled you and treated you roughly on the off chance that you were into it. You must have signalled what you wanted.
> 
> It is grossly unfair to expect men to be gentle and sensitve out of the bedroom and rough and commanding in bed, without letting them know that is what you want.


Actually no I did not tell him. Mr H is naturally very adventurous and led, gently at first but he learnt what I like by a mix of reading my cues and subsequent discussion. He spins my world and is very in tune with my mind and body. It is a given that we are both very HD but most importantly we have both expressed that we are *safe *with each other.

I get it why men get confused, it must be difficult. Big difference would be if a man was with a woman that was not into sex and then he tried to bust out some moves that were way outside the norm of what that couple were used too. 

Just saying that it is not misogynistic to hand out some rough play in a respectful relationship. I don't how to convey it but the reality is that my partner is just in tune with his sexuality and very much in tune with mine. He is not a misogynist, he is respectful, it is not always a hair pulling event we have plenty of soft and gentle times as well.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Holland said:


> Actually no I did not tell him. Mr H is naturally very adventurous and led, gently at first but he learnt what I like by a mix of reading my cues and subsequent *discussion*. He spins my world and is very in tune with my mind and body. It is a given that we are both very HD but most importantly we have both expressed that we are *safe *with each other.
> 
> I get it why men get confused, it must be difficult. Big difference would be if a man was with a woman that was not into sex and then he tried to bust out some moves that were way outside the norm of what that couple were used too.
> 
> Just saying that it is not misogynistic to hand out some rough play in a respectful relationship. I don't how to convey it but the reality is that my partner is just in tune with his sexuality and very much in tune with mine. He is not a misogynist, he is respectful, it is not always a hair pulling event we have plenty of soft and gentle times as well.


You have fixated on the word misogynistic, I was just making a point that you can't expect a man to treat you this way in bed unless you have made it clear, as you did, that it is what you want. 

Men have been taught to rein in this part of their sexuality, when in reality it is what most women want. That is where the confusion comes in.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> You have fixated on the word misogynistic, I was just making a point that you can't expect a man to treat you this way in bed unless you have made it clear, as you did, that it is what you want.
> 
> Men have been taught to rein in this part of their sexuality, when in reality it is what most women want. That is where the confusion comes in.


You brought misogyny into the discussion, not me. 

All the best with this OP, sounds like you have a good thing with your H


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> Did you tell him what you wanted though? The OP is expecting him to guess.
> 
> I just don't believe that your respectful partner who is aware of your boundaries manhandled you and treated you roughly on the off chance that you were into it. You must have signalled what you wanted.
> 
> It is grossly unfair to expect men to be gentle and sensitve out of the bedroom and rough and commanding in bed, without letting them know that is what you want.


My H is often rough during sex. The issue is that my sex drive is reactive toward that type of dominance; I need that to really get aroused. So if he would take an aggressive approach to initiating sex, he would get laid more and I would be more excited about it. Even though he can be rough in bed, in my mind there is still a leap from a man pulling a woman's hair and smacking her @$$ during the act in positions that lend themselves to those actions and just randomly grabbing her as she comes out of the shower and throwing her over his lap to spank her. I'm trying to figure out how to cross that gap with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Maybe when you have sex next time, just when he starts getting rough, maybe you could tell him how much that turns you on, and use that as a springboard to say "it would turn me on so much if you initiated sex like that". In your own choice words...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Because you are in the heat of the moment and it's mixed in with praise of what he's already doing right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

If you reject his "weaker" actions to initiate sex, what makes you think he would even attempt a "stronger" action to initiate unless you tell him this is what you want. 

Don't forget there are stories all over the news of "date rape" and such, he's your H and loves you....he would never do that to you without your consent. He doesn't have your consent until you say so. Alpha, Beta, Dominant, Weak, is not the issue. It's a respect/morals thing, a man with respect and morals will not take you without your consent.

Tell him he has consent to take you whenever he wants you.....I guarantee he will do just that. The first time you reject his desire and take away consent....expect to go right back to where you are now until you tell him the door is open again.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I think movies and popular entertainment blur or even completely obscure the line between healthy sex play, like Faithful Wife and Holland describe and an out and out psychopath.

Even in the movie _Secretary_, which is fairly tame, Mr Grey (James Spader) is not mentally well. And the Christian Grey character from Fifty Shades is a classic, text book case.

In real life, psychopathy is not pretty. Among their ranks are rapists, serial killers and pedophiles.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Girl, it will be fine. Just tell him. He's going to love it.


:iagree: I can tell you, if my wife would ever tell me what she wants without playing coy about it, she'll get it.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Because you are in the heat of the moment and it's mixed in with praise of what he's already doing right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is a very good thought. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

easy_e said:


> If you reject his "weaker" actions to initiate sex, what makes you think he would even attempt a "stronger" action to initiate unless you tell him this is what you want.
> 
> Don't forget there are stories all over the news of "date rape" and such, he's your H and loves you....he would never do that to you without your consent. He doesn't have your consent until you say so. Alpha, Beta, Dominant, Weak, is not the issue. It's a respect/morals thing, a man with respect and morals will not take you without your consent.
> 
> Tell him he has consent to take you whenever he wants you.....I guarantee he will do just that. The first time you reject his desire and take away consent....expect to go right back to where you are now until you tell him the door is open again.


You make a cery good point that I need to convey a sort of blanket consent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> :iagree: I can tell you, if my wife would ever tell me what she wants without playing coy about it, she'll get it.


. So to all of the guys, would you say most men would oblige wishes such as mine if they were clearly communicated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

minimouse said:


> . So to all of the guys, would you say most men would oblige wishes such as mine if they were clearly communicated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Prior to my wife, I had a short fling with a woman that liked the man to take charge. After some bumbling around on my part, she just came out with it. She stated in plain English that she wanted me to be assertive in the foreplay as well. Don't ask, don't look for hints. What helped me out is that she voiced her approval readily. Through her words, her volume, and such I got the affirmation that it was what she wanted. So to answer your question, yes.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

minimouse said:


> . So to all of the guys, would you say most men would oblige wishes such as mine if they were clearly communicated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

minimouse said:


> . So to all of the guys, would you say most men would oblige wishes such as mine if they were clearly communicated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would absolutely give it my best try. I've noticed in the past that my wife has made (positive) comments after sex in reference to things being a little more aggressive. But, I've always tried to be very loving. Maybe I should take those cues and ramp it up a bit and be more assertive.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> I would absolutely give it my best try. I've noticed in the past that my wife has made (positive) comments after sex in reference to things being a little more aggressive. But, I've always tried to be very loving. Maybe I should take those cues and ramp it up a bit and be more assertive.


From a female perspective, if she has made positive comments about an aggressive approach she's likely game for more. We expect men to pick up on hints, and you guys expect directness lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

minimouse said:


> . So to all of the guys, would you say most men would oblige wishes such as mine if they were clearly communicated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that most men want to do just this but restrain themselves. I can't imagine for one minute that you are going to get a negative response.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

minimouse said:


> . So to all of the guys, would you say most men would oblige wishes such as mine if they were clearly communicated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes

My wife is a fan of rough and tumble in the bedroom... and it took us awhile to reach that "zone." For quite the while I was upset that she would rarely initiate, but that was because she needed me to take her... she needed to be out of control... and by finally figuring that out (with a plethora of other things) we have a very healthy sex life. Now, not every escapade involves hair pulling and spanking, but many of them do.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> I think that most men want to do just this but restrain themselves. I can't imagine for one minute that you are going to get a negative response.


Thanks I hope you're right. 

Btw I meant to comment before on the Louis CK clip LOL I'm a big fan of his and that was very funny and fitting!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think many men might like the idea of being more Dom but the reality of it is something else. That said, if he picks up on your desires (and again I would start with a non verbal approach) be happy for what you get from him. There is pressure and responsibility that goes with control. Don't be "topping from the bottom" as we say ; )


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> I think many men might like the idea of being more Dom but the reality of it is something else. That said, if he picks up on your desires (and again I would start with a non verbal approach) be happy for what you get from him. There is pressure and responsibility that goes with control. Don't be "topping from the bottom" as we say ; )


I have successfully non-verbally conveyed my enjoyment for his manhandling during sex and he responds well. He smacks me on the bottom and I moan and he does it more and harder and pulls my hair and throws me around. It's all great. However, I'm not sure there's any nonverbal way to communicate that I need a little of that side BEFORE we actually start intercourse in order to become aroused. I don't think I have any choice but to communicate it verbally in some way.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

minimouse said:


> I have successfully non-verbally conveyed my enjoyment for his manhandling during sex and he responds well. He smacks me on the bottom and I moan and he does it more and harder and pulls my hair and throws me around. It's all great. However, I'm not sure there's any nonverbal way to communicate that I need a little of that side BEFORE we actually start intercourse in order to become aroused. I don't think I have any choice but to communicate it verbally in some way.


I asked you before, do you two play fight? What would he do if you started to do it?


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

Holland said:


> I asked you before, do you two play fight? What would he do if you started to do it?


We used to a little but not in a long time... I'm not sure what he would do. Good question.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I wish you luck MM. You should really work on being able to open up more to him in this process. Communication is going to be key in this whole thing. It appears you like to be "taken", however, the first time he tries to forcefully take you when you aren't in the mood, it could be a set back. He won't know if you are playing hard to get or you want him to stop. I would think this would take two partners who are on the same page. Hopefully you can learn to communicate more clearly so you guys will be able to read one another better.


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

In The Dark said:


> I wish you luck MM. You should really work on being able to open up more to him in this process. Communication is going to be key in this whole thing. It appears you like to be "taken", however, the first time he tries to forcefully take you when you aren't in the mood, it could be a set back. He won't know if you are playing hard to get or you want him to stop. I would think this would take two partners who are on the same page. Hopefully you can learn to communicate more clearly so you guys will be able to read one another better.


Yes you are right we need to be clear with each other. It is my intent to convey that I will be "available" whenever he wants (and of course there are no awake rugrats in the vicinity LOL)


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

MM, let us know how you go with telling him 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minimouse (Sep 14, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> MM, let us know how you go with telling him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will. I'm trying to figure out the best time and approach. We should have a night without kids coming up next weekend so maybe I can get up the nerve by then lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

minimouse said:


> I have successfully non-verbally conveyed my enjoyment for his manhandling during sex and he responds well. He smacks me on the bottom and I moan and he does it more and harder and pulls my hair and throws me around. It's all great. However, I'm not sure there's any nonverbal way to communicate that I need a little of that side BEFORE we actually start intercourse in order to become aroused. I don't think I have any choice but to communicate it verbally in some way.


And that is why I suggested "The Secretary". The rough play is done for the enjoyment of the rough play and doesn't have to lead to sex (or it could which is where you want to go.)


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