# Pregnant Girlfriend -- Need assistance (long post)



## johnw87 (Apr 17, 2021)

Hello everyone, I wanted to ask for advice to keep the relationship alive throughout the pregnancy. I apologize for the long-story, but I wanted to get all the context in. 
My girlfriend and I have known each other for 8 years, and it started when I lived in Europe. We started as friends, meeting for coffee, lunches and such when I visited her city. We both were involved in different relationships throughout the years, but maintained some contact, and she had a child in between that time and subsequently ended that relationship. 
I moved back to the U.S. 5 years ago, and 2 years ago, her and I took a chance and became started a really great relationship. We would see eachother every 2-3 months in Europe, and would talk on the phone every single day. For my work, I am able to move back to Europe in July 2022, and we planned to finally settle-in together then. 
She recently visited me with her child in the US via a 2 week stay in Canada (COVID requirement). Initially, there was a lot of stress early on in the visit because she had one suitcase for her and her child and my apartment was not equipped for the arrival of a small toddler. However, we quickly obtained everything and even got her child into daycare, which wasn’t easy considering he was not a US resident. She also didn’t have a car here which added to some of the stress. Nothing major, but it wasn’t a stress-free vacation like we had in Europe. 
Ultimately, after a few weeks we were up and running and were having a lot of fun together. We had a few minor arguments, but nothing out of the ordinary relationship type of stuff and when we did argue, we would talk through it together afterwards. Our communication has always been a strength throughout our relationship. 
We were starting to plan our eventual move to Europe together and were looking at how we were going to raise our family, etc. 
She told me multiple times that she wanted to have a child together, but did not want to go through the pregnancy alone, which is pretty understandable. However, during previous visits she would be sad if her period arrived because she said she wanted a baby. Long story short, we both were not as careful as needed and she became pregnant during our most recent trip here. 
We were both very excited and immediately started planning our future together. She cut the trip early by a month and rebooked a flight for 1.5 weeks after she found out she was pregnant so she could start seeing her doctor, etc. (no US insurance). I booked a trip back to Europe to see her next month, and we were going to do that until we could plan if we would move to the US or Europe for the birth. 
Once she arrived back to Europe, things were great for the first week. We told her parents (with me on the phone) and everyone was very excited. Then… the morning sickness started during week 6, and soon after, she stopped answering her phone and she stopped responding back to messages. 
She is terrified of being a single mother again, and going through the pregnancy alone for a second time. My mind, I tried to focus on getting the relationship communications back up, instead of focusing on what was causing the downward trend. In addition, she had severe dehydration that caused her to go to the hospital during week 7. I tried to book an immediate flight at this time, but she did not sign the VISA for me to come and told me she wanted to be alone (during COVID, your partner has to essentially sponsor you in). By week 8, she told her parents she no longer wanted to ever live with me, and she became very cold to me. She never told me that directly though. From her vantage point, I am ruining her life, she is alone, and she has no one. She told me she now does not want to talk on the phone, so I am contacting her daily to send supporting messages, but I’m getting ice cold messages back. Her parents really like me and tried to mediate but it only made things worse. 
When she does respond, her responses are extremely passive “you don’t need to move to Europe for me”. “I don’t need you to do this for me”, “I don’t know if you do not want to be with me”, instead of telling me that she no longer wants me to come to Europe, be with me, etc. Then, pressing on these responses with a “I want to”, etc. only angers her.
I did ship a lot of small items when things were great (eye massager, foot massager, body pillow, her child’s b-day present) that started to arrive in this week, and she told me that she “didn’t need any more gifts from me”, and “didn’t need anything” (instead of telling me not to ship it). 
I want to fly there and spend time with her, but she is pushing me away, she is inside and crying all day according to her family. But she has also not directly end the relationship with me, yet. I did ask on two occasions if she “still wanted a relationship” and “if she still loved me”. Those questions were met with passive answers on how “I was not serious with her” and “how dare I ask that question after flying to Canada for two weeks to spend time with me”. Hindsight – I should of never asked those questions, but this is not an easy situation for me either and I made plenty of mistakes. 
We’re entering week 9 now, and I do not know what I can do. I have continued to check-in on her (ignored) and tried to be there for her in person (will not sign a VISA). She gets mad when I ask if I can come, or even have a conversation. Now it's turning into very hostile or mean statements. Normally, I know I should stop messaging her and give her space, but she is pregnant with our child and I want to be involved and do everything I can do to make sure she is okay physically and mentally. However, the more I contact, the more I anger her. But I also know that if I stop all communications and am not supportive of her during this time, then I would have abandoned her and our child when they need support. She doesn’t tell me what she wants, but instead takes the time to say very hurtful things, which really hurts. We originally planned for me to skype into the doctor visit. That was a big-no last week, but now she will not send me the photos either or tell me how it went.
Like every one of these type of stories, we never used to fight like this, and have always had a wonderful relationship. She’s also approaching the peak hormones week 9-10 I think.. This seems to be more than hormones to me, but I never experienced this so I don't know. Before the pregnancy, she knew I was going to propose to her next month after I talked to her parents in person. And now, life happened and everything is changed. The advice I have been getting has ranged from “give her space” to “stay actively involved and support her by encouraging her”. I am not a perfect person, but I am trying my best through a difficult situation. And even worst-case if she ends the relationship, I would like a good relationship with her so we can raise our child. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

There seems to be a pattern here.
Did your girlfriend finish with her childs father during her last pregnancy?

Has she been checked for antenatal/prenatal depression? Crying all day sounds more than just the blues.
Hormones can cause depression during pregnancy as well as after.. 
Are her family supporting her much?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is much more than pregnancy hormones. How well do you really know her? Are you sure she doesn't have a personality disorder?


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## missus_ashleigh (Dec 18, 2020)

It's very difficult to even guess why she went from a loving gf who wanted to have a child and marry you to this abusive person set on tormenting you.

Did something happen to her that causes life-altering wounds?

She was pregnant before so can it really be that this is some sort of depression induced by being pregnant or did something bad happen to her?

Whatever might have happened to her, why is she taking it out on you?

Can anyone else sponsor you in?

Perhaps you should go there and tell her just how hurtful she is being and ask her to cut it out and tell you what is really going on.

This isn't just unhelpful to her the way she is treating you, she's also abusive towards you.

I'm sorry you have to go trough this.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I don't really want to say this... but... is an affair a possibility? You never know. You are not there and suddenly she doesn't want you there any more. Well, I said it... someone was going to, anyway...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Why would she get pregnant and immediately cut her trip short by a month? Assuming she doesn't have other health problems, there is no need for that. Did she even talk to her doctor before ending the trip?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My 1st thought was you have not been to Dr with her. What if date of conception fron sonogram places time when she was not with you? Has she sent you any. They state how far along on the picture the development is. She may have gone out and hooked up with another dude and tge change was when she realized the time frames did not match up to being with you.


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## johnw87 (Apr 17, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> There seems to be a pattern here.
> Did your girlfriend finish with her childs father during her last pregnancy?
> 
> Has she been checked for antenatal/prenatal depression? Crying all day sounds more than just the blues.
> ...


She didn't finish with her last child's father either. But he was abusive according to her and her family, so they were supporting her leaving him. Her family is nearby her now, and supporting the best they can. I am not sure if she has antenatal depression or not, but I can talk to her family about it to see. 

Every talk


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## johnw87 (Apr 17, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> My 1st thought was you have not been to Dr with her. What if date of conception fron sonogram places time when she was not with you? Has she sent you any. They state how far along on the picture the development is. She may have gone out and hooked up with another dude.


Her first appointment was last Tuesday, and she has not sent me any information regarding that appointment, even though she said she would. // Regarding another person, it is certainly possible, but that's not normally her personality. She's always with her child, and she is very protective of who she interacts with around him. I could be wrong though, but her family didn't think it was due to another person.


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## johnw87 (Apr 17, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I don't really want to say this... but... is an affair a possibility? You never know. You are not there and suddenly she doesn't want you there any more. Well, I said it... someone was going to, anyway...


I did think about it. It's possible I suppose. However, it doesn't fit her personality because she is extremely distant from anyone who isn't a close friends/family, and she is even more cautious to who she brings around her son. She just got home, so maybe, but I don't have any other evidence to suggest that.


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## johnw87 (Apr 17, 2021)

missus_ashleigh said:


> It's very difficult to even guess why she went from a loving gf who wanted to have a child and marry you to this abusive person set on tormenting you.
> 
> Did something happen to her that causes life-altering wounds?
> 
> ...


It could be depression. She mentioned to me on multiple occasions that she was terrified of being pregnant alone again. Now, she is pregnant and alone (when I can't be there) again. And all of her communication towards me is centered on that. However, she's not giving me the opportunity to be there for her. 

She did make the comment that I said something to the effect of "It's only 7 more months", which I didn't say. What I said was that the next 7 months will be very difficult, but I will do whatever I can to be there as often as possible or bring her to the US and get through it as a team. But in her mind, I can't convince her that I am there for her or understands her pain, because she believes this is my fault.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

yes, she sounds depressed to me... what do her parents say?


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## johnw87 (Apr 17, 2021)

frusdil said:


> This is much more than pregnancy hormones. How well do you really know her? Are you sure she doesn't have a personality disorder?


There were some red flags over the years. When she gets frustrated with someone, she blocks them on messaging apps (she's big into whatsapp), including her parents. She did it during her trip and I asked her that she should never block her parents. She said she didn't want to talk to them. Her and I never had that problem, and she hasn't blocked me yet, but the messages are definitely getting more hostile. 

Our parents both chatted (they're friends) and they said that she doesn't communicate well, and expects others to look at her and know what she wants. I think that's the case if you've lived together for years, but wouldn't be realistic in our scenario. 

It's something I can talk to her family about the next time we all speak.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I suffered from prenatal depression and it was the most weird and scary thing that has ever happened to me.

My husband and I wanted to have a second child, we didn't know when but we definitely wanted another baby. 

I got pregnant 16 months after having our first child, and everything was good at the beginning. Suddenly, I felt this uncontrollably fear of having two small kids. I felt terrified and so sad. I would cry a lot and sleep a lot during the day. I felt I made a huge mistake. I thought I wasn't going to make it. I felt I made the stupidest decision of my life.

Those feelings lasted the whole pregnancy. They actually got worse getting close to my due date. I thought the baby was coming and that was the end of everything. In my mind everything was going to h*ll! 

Amazingly, the moment I had the baby everything went back to normal. I remember very clearly feeling like a light switch turning on inside my head. I didn't even have post partum depression or baby blues. Nothing. I was so in love with both of my babies. I felt happy again, I was myself again. 

My midwife at the time told me it was common for women to feel depressed during pregnancy but we usually don't hear about it. Pregnancy hormones are very powerful! 

Hopefully your girlfriend feels better in a few weeks. Since you are not there, I don't know what you can do for her.

If she's depressed, I don't even know what can work for her. I went to a therapist for a few weeks and it helped a lot. Maybe she can find a therapist who can guide her and calm her during the pregnancy. Maybe her family can arrange this for her? 

I'm sorry you are going through this far away from her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see this as her _Great Expectations, _falling through.

She expected you to drop everything, your job and your career and following her back to her place in Europa. 

You did not. You failed the poop test that she created.

You abandoned her in her time of need.

She has an unbalanced mind. She is without a doubt, entitled.

She is self centered, and was maybe babied her whole life?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

johnw87 said:


> There were some red flags over the years. When she gets frustrated with someone, she blocks them on messaging apps (she's big into whatsapp), including her parents. She did it during her trip and I asked her that she should never block her parents. She said she didn't want to talk to them. Her and I never had that problem, and she hasn't blocked me yet, but the messages are definitely getting more hostile.
> 
> Our parents both chatted (they're friends) and they said that she doesn't communicate well, and expects others to look at her and know what she wants. I think that's the case if you've lived together for years, but wouldn't be realistic in our scenario.
> 
> It's something I can talk to her family about the next time we all speak.


So this isn't really pregnancy related. Sounds like she has a difficult personality, regardless.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

johnw87 said:


> Her first appointment was last Tuesday, and she has not sent me any information regarding that appointment, even though she said she would. // Regarding another person, it is certainly possible, but that's not normally her personality. She's always with her child, and she is very protective of who she interacts with around him. I could be wrong though, but her family didn't think it was due to another person.


Has she sent any sonogram photos to her parents? Will they share them with you?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Would her parents sign permission for you to travel there? I think you need to see her face to face. Would her parents let you stay with them if she becomes angry? Or maybe book into a hotel for back up. You may also have to isolate for a certain amount of time before you see her because of pandemic, or do negative tests. You do need to see her to reassure her or find out what is wrong and if it can be fixed. Maybe discuss with her parents. How would she react if you told her you have booked your flight? It could be many things going on but you need to see how she reacts when she sees you. Maybe a surprise trip with her parents support? 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

johnw87 said:


> There were some red flags over the years. When she gets frustrated with someone, she blocks them on messaging apps (she's big into whatsapp), including her parents. She did it during her trip and I asked her that she should never block her parents. She said she didn't want to talk to them. Her and I never had that problem, and she hasn't blocked me yet, but the messages are definitely getting more hostile.
> 
> Our parents both chatted (they're friends) and they said that she doesn't communicate well, and expects others to look at her and know what she wants. I think that's the case if you've lived together for years, but wouldn't be realistic in our scenario.
> 
> It's something I can talk to her family about the next time we all speak.


Ok, so its not pregnancy hormones then. She's just a ***** in general. Hate to say it OP, but you've got an uphill battle here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to let her go.
Do what you can to support the child after you verify it’s actually yours.
Don’t waste your life dealing with a person who clearly has mental issues. You’re doing everything you can to use mental gymnastics to justify her horrid behavior. It is what it is. It’s a shame you didn’t see it before you supposedly knocked her up.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Why did she want to have a baby with you so badly in this situation if you are living in totally different countries, yet she doesn't want to be alone? This stinks. Do you think she wanted another baby from any donor she could get and now she doesn't need you anymore? Unfortunately I don't think this sounds good. I've been pregnant twice with difficult pregnancies and both times I wanted my husband to be there to help me. It seems odd to get pregnant and then push your partner away.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wow... well, if folks think being chased out of the house at 2AM for a late night craving run was bad, this sure takes the cake when it comes to pregnancy woes!

I asked my partner what she thought of this rather complex situation, she just thinks you shouldn't ask anymore questions (like, if she still loves you etc) 🤦‍♂️ , just throw reassurances her way and mention that you will be patient for her when she is ready. Don't worry I don't get it either but you know... wimmens...

Myself, I reckon you went off the crazy scale when it came to your picker, but it's too late now, you have a child. So yeah, I'm stumped.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Also my partner just said pregnancy = immediate action. I know you had planned to travel within a month and make plans for your future but, again... you know... wimmens...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

So you're not the first man she has done this with. Sadly for some reason I fear you will not be the last. Past patterns of behavior are usually a pretty good predictor of future behavior. I think if this was a one off situation that she had not created before, I would say give her space, reach out to her family and ask that they keep you updated on things and ask if they could send you some ultra sound images and stuff. Let her know you're going to give her space but you are there if she needs you. But I suspect her attitude is unlikely to change.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What do you know if the 1st guy? Whenever I hear the “my ex was abusive” thrown out there my spidey senses go off. Don’t be surprised if you’re the next guy who will be labeled as being abusive.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Hang in there and request help regarding depression from her parents. I honestly think she is indeed depressed. Pregnancy causes havoc on us women sometimes. I couldn't stand my XH smell when I was pregnant with both our kids. No sex once that 5 week pregnancy mark came through. I had 24 hour morning sickness all 9 months (well after the 5 week, the all day sickness hit hard).


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## Let's_Talk (Dec 10, 2021)

It is unlikely that the problem here is only in hormones. Maybe her loved ones are dissuading her from a relationship with you?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Appears to be a zombie thread, OP last post 8 mos ago.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has looked and decided this thread looks too old. So the Feline Team is here to close it down.


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