# Am I being abused by my girlfriend?



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Another thread is currently discussing the abuse of a guy by his girlfriend who posted that she slaps him during an arguement, but not even hard enough to leave a mark, it's more like a "firm tap" or something like that. 

Many posters have responded that this is abuse and she needs help.

This has me wondering. I'm in a relationship with a woman, who has smacked me in the back of the head, notably after she saw me checking out young women at a local fairground. 

It wasn't hard enough to leave a mark, it wasn't painful, but it was annoying and distracting enough that I stopped checking out the girl in question and didn't even try to check out another girl for at least another 5-10 minutes even though they were all over the place. 

Is this abuse? Should I file charges on her?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

No and no.

Spend up time at the fair at the pig calling contest from now on.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

What would have happened if you had slapped her in the back of the head for checking out a dude?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> What would have happened if you had slapped her in the back of the head for checking out a dude?


Hmm.. good point. 

I guess I'll have to get back to you on that one. 

It might take a while, she's a lot more discreet than I am.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

We've all playfully received or given "love taps" after a joke, or inappropriate comment. Playful is one thing, but anger behind it is another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

But if you need to talk it out, we are here for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> We've all playfully received or given "love taps" after a joke, or inappropriate comment. Playful is one thing, but anger behind it is another


I think it was on a gradation somewhere between playful at one end, anger at the other, and annoyed and frustrated somewhere in the middle. Her frustration was worse because the line for the bumper cars was just not moving at all. It didn't help that I drooled all over her funnel cake.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yes you're gay



oh wait wrong thread


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is this a serious question, or are you being sarcastic? Hard to tell with you sometimes...

In either case... I give my SO a smack on the bottom sometimes. Is that abusive? I don't think so. She bits my nipples sometimes, to the point of pain. Is that abusive? Mmmm, I don't see it that way. But in either case, the same action done in a "non-loving or even joking" manner COULD be considered abusive. 

In your case, she's apparently found an effective way to communicate with you. If you don't like it, deal with it as a sh(i)t test, so she understands it's not going to fly with you. Is it abuse? I think you'd get laughed out of court, if it ever went that far. But that doesn't mean it's acceptable. That's between you and her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If it's a one time event, just ignore it (as in slap). DO NOT ignore WHY she smacked you, clearly you were staring a bit too much (it's ok too look but there is a fine line between a peek and a stare).

If it happens again, ask her how she would feel if you did that to her and tell her it's NOT ok.

But no, calling police would be kind of stupid....don't do that.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PBear said:


> Is this a serious question, or are you being sarcastic? Hard to tell with you sometimes...


I don't know why?



PBear said:


> Is it abuse? I think you'd get laughed out of court, if it ever went that far.]


That would depend on the judge. 

If it was a female judge I probably wouldn't stand a chance. If it was a male judge, who identified with the problem guys have of checking out women in public without getting reprimanded, she might see some hard time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> What would have happened if you had slapped her in the back of the head for checking out a dude?


I would think he would be going home alone or down town in a squad car.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> I would think he would be going home alone or down town in a squad car.


Wait this is about me being abused, not about me going to jail!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> yes you're gay
> 
> 
> 
> oh wait wrong thread


This thread is about slapping not strapons.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Wait this is about me being abused, not about me going to jail!


If you whacked you GF/W. Going home alone or squad car. Same for you GF/W whacking you. 

Abuse is something that is occurring over a period of time. Getting whacked once is simple assault. Getting your arse handed to you repeatedly is abuse.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Did she try to resolve the issue in a calm verbal method first? 

O K there exists a very long list of actions that could be abusive. Some people would say that blatantly "checking out" younger women while on a date is abusive. It certainly is rude. 

I think one should think about intent, seriousness, and how you feel about it when deciding if an action was abusive. In your example was her head tap an attempt to control you? Or was it a reminder to do what you already intended to do? Is there a pattern of this kind of correction? Is there a chance she was acting in self defense? Let's examine a similar action with abusive intent. (true Story) Family gathering, the women are working in the kitchen and chatting. The men have been pushed off to the living room to get out of the way and watch some TV. A commercial for "Bay watch" comes on to the TV at the same moment as one of the women wanders into the room. She yells at her husband, "I can't trust you a minute, I'm slaving away in the kitchen so you think it's ok to be in here watching "Boobwatch" with the boys, you are such a pervert!"

See the difference? intensity even without hitting, and intent (thinks it his her job to police him every minute.)

So in your situation the correct thing to do would be to say " is that the best way to handle that"? Rather than filing an abuse claim. Now if this continues, or is a continuous problem then more serious action.

We only have your report of the incident to judge by. Errors may occur.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Wait this is about me being abused, not about me going to jail!


The two are not mutually exclusive. I'm sure you could get abused in jail if you try.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Did she try to resolve the issue in a calm verbal method first?


Well, she requested that I stop checking out young girls at the fair because it made her feel unhappy. She made that request about 16x if I recall correctly but my number might be off because I was somewhat distracted at the time and I might not have heard all the requests. 



Mr. Nail said:


> In your example was her head tap an attempt to control you?


Yes! She can be somewhat controlling at times. 



Mr. Nail said:


> Or was it a reminder to do what you already intended to do?


Not sure why she'd remind me to check out the girls?



Mr. Nail said:


> Is there a pattern of this kind of correction?


I don't recall her ever smacking me in the back of the head before but this was the first time we went to a county fair and there were a LOT of young girls there dressed like sl*ts so my head was doing a lot of turning.



Mr. Nail said:


> Is there a chance she was acting in self defense?


She might have been defending her pride so the answer is a tentative "yes" on that one.



Mr. Nail said:


> So in your situation the correct thing to do would be to say " is that the best way to handle that"?


Ok got it. Next county fair, I will be ready with a snappy comeback after the inevitable head slap. I will come across as the mature, level headed one and she will be the one with poor impulse control. She refrains from further abusive behavior, she doesn't get carted off to jail, and we can continue to enjoy our time at the fair. Seems like a win all around.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> The two are not mutually exclusive. I'm sure you could get abused in jail if you try.


From what I hear about what happens inside of jails, you don't have to go looking for abuse.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You crack me up 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lenzi said:


> I'm in a relationship with a woman, who has smacked me in the back of the head, notably after she saw me checking out young women at a local fairground.


Which means of course that you were repeatedly and relentlessly staring at underage boobs, without any regard to the girls' obvious discomfort.

You totally had it coming, dude.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Well, she requested that I stop checking out young girls at the fair because it made her feel unhappy. She made that request about 16x if I recall correctly but my number might be off because I was somewhat distracted at the time and I might not have heard all the requests.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is going in my post hall of fame if I ever start one.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> This is going in my post hall of fame if I ever start one.


You can hang it on the wall of our jail cell.

I'll be there because I hit my girlfriend back and since I'm a guy I'm going up the river for assault, you'll be there because of involuntary manslaughter when someone hits your car illegally and recklessly parked in the middle of the road.

We can read the posts during the time we're not being abused by our fellow inmates.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Depends . . .

Were you openly ogling?

Lasciviously leering?

Or furtively glancing? (Couldn't think of an alliteration there).


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

skype said:


> Depends . . .
> 
> Were you openly ogling?
> 
> ...


Just looking. Tongue completely within own mouth, no glance longer than 3.5 seconds and usually shifting between various targets, regularly checking to see where my girlfriend was looking so I wouldn't get snagged, but of course ultimately failing miserably in that regard.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

Rear View Spy Sunglasses.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Omg this thread is sooooo funny.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Well, she requested that I stop checking out young girls at the fair because it made her feel unhappy. She made that request about 16x if I recall correctly but my number might be off because I was somewhat distracted at the time and I might not have heard all the requests.


Dude, you need to wear sunglasses and make sure you don't turn your head.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Dude, you need to wear sunglasses and make sure you don't turn your head.


County fairs are usually open only in the evenings.

Sunglasses would almost be worse.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Is this the same girlfriend that you told us you don't love, and is too clingy, but you'll keep her around for sex until you find someone better?

I wonder if she has taken the hint yet.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Is this the same girlfriend that you told us you don't love, and is too clingy, but you'll keep her around for sex until you find someone better?


That applies to most if not all of my ex-girlfriends but not the one I moved in with a month ago.

Besides she says I do love her but I'm not in touch with my feelings.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

All kidding aside, I think it's a good question. It demonstrates that there are grey areas when it comes to what is abuse.

In our house - heck our extended family too, we are all really sarcastic, sometimes lewd and mean. Though not really. The things we say are never said in anger or to shame or punish. My MIL will endearingly call people a "little b!tch" for beating her hand during a poker game. She doesn't mean it that way. I often say, "I'll beat your bum!" to the kids but with a song in my voice and smile usually in response to their cheekiness, and it's never a threat as I never hit my kids. My FIL will call people an ass as he laughs to almost tears at their joke. It is a compliment lol. Just last weekend, my BIL and I only spoke to our nephew if he answered to the name "John Snow". It's a culture of mean words, teasing and ribbing each other but it is really affection and endearment. If real conflicts/arguments occur, we aren't yelling or swearing at each other. 

I think one element of abuse is the intent behind it as well as the emotions behind them... context is important. For us those things are done in camraderie, not to hurt and nobody feels hurt by it. Another important thing is we all understand the intent behind it and that there is no ill will or malice there.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Another thread is currently discussing the abuse of a guy by his girlfriend who posted that she slaps him during an arguement, but not even hard enough to leave a mark, it's more like a "firm tap" or something like that.
> 
> Many posters have responded that this is abuse and she needs help.
> 
> ...


Yes obviously you should file charges dumb$&&. Yes and after that the only woman within a few thousand miles willing to [email protected]$# you will be gone.

Ugh, sorry but after your recent threads who is even willing to seriously discuss this with you? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I being abused by my girlfriend?*



TeaLeaves4 said:


> Yes obviously you should file charges dumb$&&.


You sound upset.



TeaLeaves4 said:


> Ugh, sorry but after your recent threads who is even willing to seriously discuss this with you?


I'm very satisfied with the feedback I've received on this thread. To the point that I'm eagerly anticipating the next county fair. I'll be ready for anything that comes my way thanks to the experienced and seasoned posters of TAM.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> You sound upset.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm very satisfied with the feedback I've received on this thread. To the point that I'm eagerly anticipating the next county fair. *I'll be ready for anything that comes my way *thanks to the experienced and seasoned posters of TAM.


Even mimes? Are you prepared to be surrounded by mimes, every one a needy bastard that won't stop miming at you until you acknowledge them?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

lenzi said:


> That applies to most if not all of my ex-girlfriends but not the one I moved in with a month ago.
> 
> Besides she says I do love her but I'm not in touch with my feelings.


Sounds like she might be on to something, given that your last thread about her was all about how you didn't want to live with her because she's not all that, too clingy, and interfering with your "space", and now this thread is all about how much fun you have irritating her flaunting your sexual attraction to others.

I hope for her sake that she's right, and you think better of her than you let on here.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Wear a "hard hat" helmet and steel-toe boots to the next fair!:smthumbup:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> Wear a "hard hat" helmet and steel-toe boots to the next fair!:smthumbup:


And a cape.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> Wear a "hard hat" helmet and steel-toe boots to the next fair!:smthumbup:


Maybe I'll just go alone.

Would that be weird?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Can't go alone to the fair, Lenzi. Your face is on the "tea towels". Keep us posted after the fair!:smthumbup:


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

No more fairs this year, it's too cold.


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