# Tried a mutual split



## Lostandhurtandconfused (Mar 2, 2016)

I’ve posted before, a little back story. In 2016 my wife at the time said she was done. I wasn’t ready to admit defeat, so we worked on our marriage. It started to get better.
However by the middle of 2017. All we basically became were roommates. She said the intimacy would never return. So in November I said I wanted to move out.

In December I moved out. We agreed to not force the kids to come to my apartment. I figured it would be for the adjustment period. 
My kids all came over in the beginning. After about a month, the oldest she is 12. Decided she no longer wanted to come over. It’s been a month and half. Mom won’t force her. I understand it’s a one bedroom apartment. 
My days are tues and thurs afternoons, and every other Friday thru Sunday.
She doesn’t answer phone calls and hardly respond to text.
It’s so bad that when the ex had to be out of town on my weekend. She hired a sitter, instead of making her come over.
I feel she should come over durning the week at least. I get the size of my place sucks. It’s not a 3700sq house.

Any one have any advice... I did finally hire a lawyer, as a last resort.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Love bomb her. Basically call her, send her cards, go to school events and tell her you love her. Hopefully this is just a phase she is going through.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Is there any other reason besides the size of your apartment that could be a reason your kids won't see you?

Like...was their infidelity? How was your relationship with your kids prior to splitting? Is mother bad mouthing you behind your back?


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## Faithloveandhope (Dec 20, 2017)

It is not the mother's responsibility to have your children spend the night with you. You are the one who is responsible. Don't leave it up to the children and then blame the mother. The children will adjust to the size of your apartment if you are insistant of spending time with them and not giving them the option to stay at there or stay at the marital home. They are children, they will go with what they know...be the parent. They may feel like you don't want them there.. communication is always the key!

I 


Lostandhurtandconfused said:


> I’ve posted before, a little back story. In 2016 my wife at the time said she was done. I wasn’t ready to admit defeat, so we worked on our marriage. It started to get better.
> However by the middle of 2017. All we basically became were roommates. She said the intimacy would never return. So in November I said I wanted to move out.
> 
> In December I moved out. We agreed to not force the kids to come to my apartment. I figured it would be for the adjustment period.
> ...


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Why did you agree to give up partial custody? That was a stupid thing to do. Not "forcing" then to come to your apartment? Whose idea was that? Since when do you allow "less than teens" to make the rules. Of course the kids prefer their 3700 st foot house, that they lived in, to a 1 bedroom apartment. If your situations were reversed, they would probably stay with you

And it is the responsibility of BOTH parents to effectively co parent. One parent telling their child, they don't have to listen to dad is not co parenting.

Why didn't she move out? You should have just filed instead of beta-ing your responsibilities. Guess what's next. Reduced custody, Increased child support and less visitation. 

It's your house too. Move back in. Get a attorney and file. If she doesnt like it tell her to move to a 1 bedroom apartment. If you want to be a father, then do so, don't write a bunch of excuses on a forum.

Stand or be run over.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The first thing that you did correctly was to retain an attorney ~ so make use of them!

Retain 50/50 Custody with no child support and have your skanky wife(I still can't stop thinking that she's messing around on you ~ why else would she want you out of the house?) moved out of the house and let her know what living in a small one-bedroom apartment is like! 

If she doesn't like that, then let her move in with her paramour!*


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

OP, hindsight is always 20/20 but I would like to use this as an example as I have used my own situation and how badly I handled a lot of things in regards to my stance with my STBXW, relationship wise. I am not afraid to use myself as an example in what to do and in a lot of cases, what NOT to do.

The one thing I refused to do whatsoever once I realized she was never coming back into the marriage was then move on to what I had to do for the most important people in my life .... my kids. I wanted no less than 50/50 parenting time and I wanted the house they were happy in and familiar with. That meant I had to live in Hell for going on about 9-10 months now but she'll be gone to her new house in a few weeks. My standing my ground with what was most important to me, I realize I had to live in absolute Hell and take a beating emotionally by seeing the woman I had loved more than anything for almost 18 years, treat me badly and carry on in secret her relationship. I couldn't kick her out legally and she wouldn't leave but I hunkered down and looked at my kids everyday as why I was doing this.

To be fair though, even my counselor had suggested after seeing what I was going through to leave the house a while back and make a legal agreement before I did. I simply wouldn't do it. If my kids were there, I wasn't going anywhere! 

Again, hindsight is 20/20 and I'm not trying to put you down brother but this is a message to the others like us, not to leave the house or the kids until something is legally put into place. It's not too late for you legally, time to get serious with what your priorities are and it sounds like it's your kids and start fighting for what is just and right. Be strong and keep your focus on what is most important for you no matter what!


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## Lostandhurtandconfused (Mar 2, 2016)

Hindsight is always 20/20.... I wish that I had stayed in the house. It was miserable to live there with her. But at least I would of gotten to see my kids every day.


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## Lostandhurtandconfused (Mar 2, 2016)

There wasn’t any infidelity with either of use. My ex wasn’t too happy when she found I looked at porn. 
When my oldest daughter was young. I had to work out of town. Usually gone 48hrs at a time. Then home again, but I didn’t have a set schedule. I worked those wacky hours so they could have a house. Instead of an apartment. 
About four years ago, with my seniority. I’ve been able to work a job that allows me to be home every day.
I participated in her activities when I was home. Now that I have regular hours, I’ve attended any activity or event that she has.


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## Lostandhurtandconfused (Mar 2, 2016)

Faithloveandhope said:


> It is not the mother's responsibility to have your children spend the night with you. You are the one who is responsible. Don't leave it up to the children and then blame the mother. The children will adjust to the size of your apartment if you are insistant of spending time with them and not giving them the option to stay at there or stay at the marital home. They are children, they will go with what they know...be the parent. They may feel like you don't want them there.. communication is always the key!
> 
> I
> 
> ...


When I go to pick up my kids. My oldest is either upstairs or not at the front door. I’m not allowed in the house. I was told I make my ex and her mom uncomfortable. 
I know it is my responsibility to have her come over. 
I have no support from her Mom. IE: last weekend was my weekend. The oldest told her she didn’t want to come over. So she hired a sitter to take care of her. Take her to her soccer game.
I was livid, she told me she was looking out for the best interest of the child. I finally got her to let me take my kid to the soccer. I told her I’d feed them dinner after the game. She said I’d have to clear that with the oldest. 
The oldest when asked where she would like to go said “mom said we have to go straight home after soccer”


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Just so we are clear your name is on the deed of the house right? and your still paying towards the mortgage ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's likely angry about the separation and blames you. Who knows what she's been told about the situation. Nothing positive I'm sure. Twelve can be a very volatile age. Is therapy a possibility to sort out her feelings?


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