# My wife is not in love with me anymore...



## Onlyino

My story, 

I am here for advice, as everyone else is.

I have been with my wife for over 9 years, we have 2 beautiful girls, 5 and 7, that are my life, and a reason for some of our problems. We are very different people, she is the outgoing one, a social butterfly, always the center of attention, I am the one who sits around and watches everyone, interacting with those that are only important to me. I am very neat and organized, she is not. She comes from a very large family, I can count my family on 1 hand. I am very hard working and do whatever necessary to provide for my family, she has never had a full time job. We are both very loving parents and our relationship has always been one that others wished that they had, as it seems we were very happy. Little did I know….

She always needs attention, and at times I know NOW that I was not giving her what she needed. I spend so much time with my daughters and she gets frustrated I did not show her the same attention I show them. I must have said to her thousands of times, "I have you the rest of my life, I only have them for a few more years." (meaning once teenage years hit, see ya dad!). I realize now that I should have spread my love, time, adoration, evenly, but am scared it might be too late. 

The funny thing is I always used to get angry with her as I thought she takes me for granted, I have paid all the bills, up until recently did all laundries, made most meals and maintained our property and household. I felt she was not pulling her weight and was resentful at times. She used to always throw at me, I raise our kids, that is my role--blah, blah, blah. I used to be able to pay all of our expenses with little problems, now things have changed, I keep us afloat, we don't go without but I can't get a lot of the luxuries we used to and that is extra stress. I have told her on numerous occasions to get a full time job but it has not been done, using the kids as an excuse most of the time. Now I know I married a princess, and it is what it is. I accept it because I love her, and I know I would rather be with her than without.

We have maybe had two fights in front of the kids as I will not subject them to that. When she gets mad I sometimes don't know as she puts up a wall, her defense mechanism, and I have to try to break down the wall to try to find out why she is mad and see what can be done to resolve the problem. I do not enjoy being angry with her and want whatever problems we have to be fixed asap. Sometime I feel she enjoys being angry, she has told me she does… I didn't understand that until recently.

She recently told me she thinks she would be better without me. I was devastated and did not see this coming. I became a mess, I am normally the rock, I think in our 9 years together I have cried a handful of times, since that conversation it has occurred every day. She has been cold as ice, doesn't want me to sleep in the same bed, I asked if I could kiss her the other day and she said no. She is normally a very emotional person, she has cried over commercials on tv, but when it comes to this she has been a rock. She tells me she has such built up anger at me and she cannot forgive. She brings up stuff that I did months ago but never told me about them, stupid things that are all so petty. I don't know how or what I am suppose to do. She is using the anger as fuel to flame the fires of our dying marriage. I wish I could put them out. 

She tells me she doesn't want to hurt me, but nothing else beyond that. I tell her I love her and I will not go out without a fight. She claims to be some god worshipping church going person(when it fits her schedule) and I can't wrap my head around how she thinks she, or our family would be better without me. I am so sad, maybe I just need to get angry, that would help get through this easier, to focus on all the bad, but I want my family and I want to make it good.

I asked her to go to counseling, at first she didn't think it would make a difference, but her seeing me the way I have been the last few days(emotional wreck) she has agreed to go. I guess that is a start. 

She has also recently changed all her passwords on her computer, coincidence or is their more there? Only she knows.

I know other here are going through similar, if not worse than this, I needed to vent and here it is. I do have more to say but any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks.


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## wizer

Onlyino said:


> She has been cold as ice, doesn't want me to sleep in the same bed


She's done with you. She's emotionally and physically shut down and there's nothing you can do to change that except back off and give her the space she needs to figure it out. Then again she's probably cheating on you, that's usually the case in situations such as these, in which case giving her the space will only make it easier for her but you have no choice. You can't force her to feel a certain way about you. 




Onlyino said:


> I asked if I could kiss her the other day and she said no.


She's totally shut you down and you are asking (really begging) for morsels.. that's just weak, pathetic, and a total turnoff. Especially since she's most likely having sex with some other dude. Stop chasing her and go live your own life. Maybe she'll see she's losing you and have second thoughts once she sees you're doing fine without her. But that's not why you back off and go live your own life, you do it to physically and mentally prepare yourself for the end of your marriage.. in a way that keeps your self esteem (and hopefully some of your assets) relatively intact. Start making plans to protect your ASSets, NOW. Or wait to be blindsided. Good chance you'll find yourself served with an Order of Protection and kicked out of your own house. Happens all the time, and I'd like to say I don't speak from personal experience but I can't. 



Onlyino said:


> I tell her I love her and I will not go out without a fight.


Oh yeah that will help. What are you going to do, strap her to the bed and have forcible sex with her until she gives up and starts loving you again? Seriously there is nothing to fight for here. Just because you happen to be married to another person doesn't give you some sort of power over them or give you some ability to control how they feel or what decisions they make for themselves. 




Onlyino said:


> She claims to be some god worshipping church going person(when it fits her schedule) and I can't wrap my head around how she thinks she, or our family would be better without me.


People pull that god worshipping crap all the time. They're all a bunch of hypocrites and use religion as an excuse and a crutch, nothing more, so don't even go there. You can't wrap your head around why she thinks she's better off without you and you know what? The good news is, you don't have to because what you think is irrelevant. You're not the one who wants out.



Onlyino said:


> She has also recently changed all her passwords on her computer, coincidence or is their more there? Only she knows.


She's cheating on you. Next question?


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## wookiemp164

Im dealing with the same issue. My wife repeatidly told me what she wanted and I failed to give it to her. I never cuddled, never talked, never showed emotions. My wife is sick of the revolving circle, it gets better for a couple of months then goes right back to the bad. I get upset at little things and she hates it. I have pushed my wife away from me and she has told me that she only loves me as a friend and doesnt want to even consider working things out because she doesnt want to get hurt anymore. Im not dead yet and paperwork hasnt been filed so regardless of what people think or say, i have hope. 

To you, I feel your pain. If you love her, then fight. she loved you once before, she can do it again. Ive read elsewhere that in order to proceed, you have to let go of the past. So forgive and forget. tell her what your expectations are and have her do the same. make the time for her. Do the little things that make her happy. Eventually that spark will reignite. 

Good luck my friend. if you have any advice for me, im open to it as well.


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## Onlyino

@wookie

It is tough man, I wish I had advice for you but I am so mentally distraught I don't know if I am coming or going.

I am going to fight because I don't want to lose what I have/had. Fighting means, trying to make them smile, laugh, enjoy one anothers company... good communication.

The only bit of advice I can give is have some outlets or friends that can hear you and offer you unbiased advice. Alot of our mutuall friends tell me she is nuts and can not make it on her own, it helps to hear positive reinforcemnets from people that actually know you.

Good Luck man, we are in a tough battle but no matter what we will keep on living, try to find a little bit of joy in every day no matter how hard it seems.


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## Onlyino

@ wizer

She may be done with me, it sure does seem like that but I am hoping no. I do not believe that she is cheating on me, in a time like this your insecurities make you suspect everything, even if it is nothing.

I have been pathetic, which is surprising, because I am very confident and strong willed. Her whole mood switch has just been very strange and so different than anything I have ever seen from her. 

Bottom line is, i don't want to break up my family and if I can do something to prevent that I will... I will not accept cheating, no matter what if I found that out, heads would be rollin.


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## Babyheart

I do hope both of you can work it out. 

But its suspicious when somebody changes their passwords. There's a reason for secrecy. There might not be any physical cheating yet, but it is only a matter of time. 
Get into counseling ASAP.


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## Onlyino

I agree baby, very suspicious indeed.

as said prior my insecurities got the better of me and I am using a keylogger on all my computers sO I will know those new password soon enough.

First counseling session tomorrow night


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## gonefishin

The best advise back off a bit. If she brings it up then talk. Second, try to be a little more social. You sound like you have a shy personality. If you have mutual friends start planning dates with other couples. It sounds like your wife is a social animal and needs to interact with others. I am the same way.

My wife gave me the old:
"I love you but I am not in love with you but I do not want a divorce" I did not get upset, I became indifferent. I love my wife and would do anything for her, but I am all guy and I am not going to ***** foot around with anyone.

I brought the subject up twice, the second time I brought it up she got angry. My response was "I do not give a crap if your angry, this is my life and I want to know if there is commitment in this marriage" I also explained the new rules in the marriage. Rule one: if one person is unhappy that person can leave. Rule two: if one person cheats on the other person the cheater leaves.

Personally, I think she was testing my commitment to the marriage. She wanted to get a response out of me. Everything has been great since.


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## Babyheart

Good luck Only.


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## Onlyino

@gonefishin

I agree that I have to back off, I can't make her want to be with me, if she chooses I will be here if not I guess it is time to move on. I have asked her if she would like to go out to nice dinner the other night and I got a big fat no. So, the writing may be on the wall but maybe it hasn't totally dried yet...

@baby

Thanks, luck or little spark of attraction is all I can hope for right now. I have a feeling I am fighting a battle that I can not win, tomorrow night will be interesting with the marriage counselor. I just need to know if she wants to try as a family or not, I don't want pity from her I want love. And if it is to end, is it possible to do it gracefully without destroying our kids-all they know is this house and us together, I can't imagine not having them with me....

Good night all, and thanks for the therapy session, it has helped.


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## finallyready

Onlyino, I have been in a nearly identical situation for the last 3 months. Hoping that by just being myself and not being needy she would start to feel for me again. Hasn't happened. Just today I've decided to take control by moving out. It's time for me to truly move on. Until today I've told myself and others that I was ready to let her go, but I was lying to myself. I wish I would have left 2 months ago. Either she would have realized she missed me and we could potentially reconcile, or I could have been 2 months further into my detachment. I'm not saying that this should be your approach, but something to chew on. If she's lost her love for you, consider taking yours from her to see how she reacts. I waited too long and I'm afraid all that has done has eased her transition to a new life without me. She's had the benefit of my financial support, my help around the house and with the kids. I should have made her feel life without me. 

And by the way, it hurts to hear, but your wife is cheating on you. Could be an EA only, but someone else has definitely taken hold of her heart. I didnt want to believe either. Don't reveal what you know too soon. I made that mistake and have struggled to get the undeniable evidence I would need to get her to fess up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020

Only,
The first job in counseling is to get HER to talk. And get her to feel safe being honest 

The second thing is to get her to TELL YOU, what things you do that cause her to feel love for you and things that weaken that feeling: love busters and love fillers. 

And get her to talk about the time period during which she fell out of love. What happened and why?

AND ask her if she has met someone else, and is attracted to them? Ask in a non-threatening way and try to get her to open up. 

If she is generally evasive and doesn't want to work on the marriage as her straight up "Are you willing to work towards a mutually loving, happy marriage"? And if she says yes you should follow up with: What do you think your part in that is? And what do you think my part is?


The web site below is quite good. 

The Love Bank





Onlyino said:


> I agree baby, very suspicious indeed.
> 
> as said prior my insecurities got the better of me and I am using a keylogger on all my computers sO I will know those new password soon enough.
> 
> First counseling session tomorrow night


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## Onlyino

@ finallyready

Good advice about not being so doting on her. I have seen myself transform a little more every day. Earlier in the week I was a pathetic groveling mess... I look back now and I know I felt this way and acted this way out of love. I am getting stronger every day and I am realizing that I need to give her space. My gut and head are telling me it is over, my heart doesn't want to yet.

If I moved out as of right now she would lose everything, she can't afford to pay anything, I mean nothing. This is a woman who can not afford to pay any bills besides her credit cards and her car payment because she works aprox 20hrs/week and has NEVER had a full time job. Also, no matter what happens my kids are going to be devastated. I told her I can not live like this, either we try to make it as a family or we have to move on. My wife has always been spoiled and taken care of, either by my, or her parents, which I found out last night with a slip of the tongue from her that they will not support her in this decision, she will not be able to afford living on her own and she definitely can not afford our house. She will learn real fast when/if this ends what the real world is like. I love your line-I should have made her feel life without me- very inspirational. I went on a business trip this past summer for a week and when I came home things were not so well, the kids were distraught, things that I do on daily basis were just not done. I do not know about the cheating thing, that would be easier than just not loving me anymore... Only she knows, and I do have ways of tracking her, I just don't know if I want to go there yet.

Thanks for the words man, I really appreciate it in this tough time, especially from one has gone through something similar.


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## Onlyino

@mem

We do go to counseling tonight but I think she is going because she has pity for me and not love. We will see tonight. 

I know she feels, and she does have a point, that I never gave her enough attention. I can make excuse all day on why I didn't show her enough attention but I can say I did try to make her feel good every day. A day would not go by that I did not tell her I love her and how hot or pretty she looked even if she was just lounging around the house in sweats. 

Now here is some old schools stuff, music can be therapeutic, and I was listing to an old Prince song, when doves cry, and the line is "maybe your just like my mother she was never satisfied" and that hit home with me. I might not have showed her the same attention I did my girls(my kids), but I think no matter what I do I can not satisfy her. I grew up not having much, she grew up with whatever she wanted, I appreciate every thing that I have, and she is a dreamer and always wants more and believes she deserves more. It is good to dream, you just have to enjoy and appreciate what you have.

Also, excellent advice on the other questions.

My main questions that I want an answer to tonight when we go to counseling are these.

1. Why did you come tonight? Is it out of love for me and attempt to save this marriage/family?

2. Is there someone else, and if the answer is no, why would you change all your passwords?


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## synthetic

> 2. Is there someone else, and if the answer is no, why would you change all your passwords?


Don't ask this question just yet. You need to do some investigation of your own before giving her hints about your suspicion. There is no way in hell she will admit to cheating before you have strong evidence.

Everything you have listed sounds like she is checking out and possibly getting emotionally/physically satisfied via external sources. She may not be in an affair yet, but is definitely on the path already.


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## Onlyino

synthetic said:


> Don't ask this question just yet. You need to do some investigation of your own before giving her hints about your suspicion. There is no way in hell she will admit to cheating before you have strong evidence.
> 
> Everything you have listed sounds like she is checking out and possibly getting emotionally/physically satisfied via external sources. She may not be in an affair yet, but is definitely on the path already.



You are probably right, but I would still like an honest answer on why the passwords have been changed.


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## synthetic

Onlyino said:


> You are probably right, but I would still like an honest answer on why the passwords have been changed.


You will NOT get an honest answer. Why even try? Do you find your wife forthcoming and honest these days? There you go.

She changed multiple password. Can't get any more brutally honest than that.


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## Trickster

I may play devil’s advocate here...My wife and I haven't said " I love you" in over a year now. I definitely know we are not "in love " anymore. I'm not too sure that I even love her anymore. Like your wife, my wife works very little and there is no way for her to take care of herself and our Daughter.

So in a way I have checked out, I am already gone. I have started some group activities to get me out with other people. I know I have become distant more than ever. I have done the 180 I hear so much about. Now, she is trying to be more loving, but I am not feeling it. I wonder if she is just going through the motions herself because she senses something.

I am not having an affair, emotional or physical. I just want a life while not being so dependent on her.

Maybe you can do the same. Find some outside interests. Don’t be there for her all the time. I stay around because I don’t want to spend any time away from my daughter. Just like you stated, we have our kids for such a short time. In a few years I will start to embarrass her. Maybe give your wife some rope and she just may hang herself. As of now, I will stay the course. Like seasons, Maybe things will change.


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## Onlyino

synthetic said:


> You will NOT get an honest answer. Why even try? Do you find your wife forthcoming and honest these days? There you go.
> 
> She changed multiple password. Can't get any more brutally honest than that.


Correct once again, thanks for the slap in the face-sometimes it is needed.

She always prided herself on honesty and she was always so opposed of anyone that ever cheated in a marriage. She had a very close friend, she was maid of honor in her wedding, and she found out that she cheated and she cut her out of her life, as she would always say if you cheat just be honest about it. 

But the person she is now is very different to me than the person I knew, so once again who knows.


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## Onlyino

@allreadygone

The weird thing about us is that up until a few weeks ago "I love you" was said every day, multiple times per day. Was she just going through the routine, once again, only she knows.

I agree completely about the outside activities, you need to find yourself to heal yourself. When you are married and have a family you can lose some of what you used to be, it doesn't always happen, I know it did with me as I always put my family needs before mine. But I need to be selfish(and I do not mean that in any bad way) and do as you are doing, to find yourself and to continue to enjoy your life, if we don't take care of ourselves, who will.


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## Trickster

I would tell my wife I love you kinda out of habit-routine. Then it was love ya...now it's see ya later as I am off to work. 

I don't believe your wife is cheating. She may want to though. Maybe she is fishing and is just waiting for the right opportunity. 

I think she just may be a bored house wife. Maybe she lost herself...There may not be much that you can do at this point.

If she wants out... let her be the one to go.


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## Onlyino

We go to counseling tonight, I imagine I will have some answers before the night is over. 

I want to save my marriage but I can not do it alone, we have to do it as a team and tonight will go a long way in determining that.


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## finallyready

I'm looking forward to hearing how your session goes tonight. 

I know I already said this, but my situation is identical to yours. Up until October, my wife would often say how happy she was with our life together and how much she loved me. Then poof - it was gone. Someone stole her heart from me. I didnt want to believe it. I didnt want to snoop because I was afraid to find out, but in my gut I knew. My advice to you is to investigate now. Do what you have to do to get the truth. I'm not quite sure what to do with the truth if you find it (others may have advice), but at least you would have the opportunity to control the situation a bit more (throw her out, file for divorce, etc. to maybe shock some sense into her). I waited too long to investigate and the trail got cold. She was able to cover tracks and find more creative ways to maintain contact with OM. All this time she has been able to rationalize the situation to herself; that no one knows the truth so she doesn't have to face the shame. I made this all much too easy for her. Snoop now. Find the truth. Hopefully it's not too late. Well, actually, hopefully you find out she hasn't betrayed you, but you need the truth now. Trust me. I would give anything to go back 3 months and snoop to find the truth then. I believe things may have turned out differently had this been exposed before she had so much time to settle and transition into her new life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hisfac

Onlyino said:


> If I moved out as of right now she would lose everything, she can't afford to pay anything, I mean nothing. This is a woman who can not afford to pay any bills besides her credit cards and her car payment because she works aprox 20hrs/week and has NEVER had a full time job.


Unfortunately, that's not what will happen. 

If you move out, and she's got half a brain or she's got someone with half a brain giving her advice, the moment you establish a separate residence she'll be in family court filing a support petition and you, being the breadwinner will ultimately be paying those bills that she cannot. 

In the typical scenario, you'll end up in some small apartment somewhere, or living with a relative, with limited visitation as provided by the courts, while she's got the house and full access to the kids, with most of your paycheck going to support a woman who unilaterally decided to end the marriage, possibly because she's involved with another guy who just might end up moving in at some point and cutting your grass with your lawnmower. 

It happens all the time.


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## Onlyino

@finallyready

Well here it is... before we went into counseling last night we were sitting in the car talking, and I asked her why she was going to counseling. She gave me the same thing I have been hearing, she wants to move on, she can't stand the pressure that she is feeling from me her family and everyone that we know that wants us to try to work it out and also she says "I don't want to see you hurting." I broke down a bit, not too bad but still shed a few tears and she takes my hand and starts holding it and rubbing it. Now this is the most physical contact I have had from her in a while... mixed signal... I didn't know how to react to that and asked her why, she said she didn't know. 

We go into see the therapist and things are a little emotional for me(of course... I have been like a baby throughout this whole ordeal) and she gets a little emotional also, not much but still something. We discuss how things got to where they are and the fact I never realized, and the therapist confirmed, I never would have realized that I was neglecting her no matter how many conversations we had as I need to be hit upside the head with a baseball bat to finally get it, which is what happened this week. 

Was their any resolution or confirmation that my marriage can or will be saved... NO. But I know that she does still care for me and the most important thing right now is stop applying the pressure on her. If she is to be mine, then it will work itself out, if she doesn't and her mind and heart stay as they have been then I will have to move on. I am one for instant gratification, I want results now, and if I don't get them I want to know an exact plan on how to get them. With a situation like this that is not possible and I realize that finally. We discussed if their was someone else, anyone, whether it was just an ear to listen to her or more than that and she still is saying no, and I am believing her. Am I a sucker, I don't think so, but once again who knows. The way the session ended gave me hope in that she will continue to go to therapy with me and here is good analogy the therapist came up with... what we have is a battery now that is dead, but there is chance for a jump start, and she agreed. 

We both agreed to go to single therapy sessions next week, and I truly feel better about things. As we were leaving the therapy session she asked me what I thought of him, I told her at first I thought he was a... and she completed my sentence for me, saying quack. We laughed for the first time together in a while. 

I saw a therapist when I was a youth as I was a bad kid, involved with gangs and I was just a mean person. But I have changed and done a lot of soul searching and that troubled youth became an honest man, and my family is a big reason for that. I always thought I can solve all problems on my own, but I realize now sometimes you have to ask for help. The reason I tell you this is she asked me to go to therapy before, about a year ago, and I didn't go, not realizing I needed it. Now I realize it.

Another mixed signal last night, and maybe I am over analyzing things... last night I am laying on the couch watching TV, she is upstairs, she comes downstairs and puts a blanket on me... once again, does it mean anything... only time will tell.

Either way, the most difficult thing right now is this limbo state that we are in, but I know I have to accept it and I can only work on me and if by doing that it makes us better great. I need to get my mind right and make sure I become the rock I have always been. And I know I will, with her, hopefully, but without her, if necessary.


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## Onlyino

@hisfac

I know you are right and and that scares me to death also. I have seen it happen when the woman cheated on the dude and the woman still got all that and then some.

I have given her everything I could and if that what this turns into, I can't imagine what I would turn into.


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## synthetic

Well, I have good news for you.

Regardless of whether she's cheating or not, she obviously hasn't completely shut-down. Perhaps she can see a bit of the grass on the other side and has noticed that it's not much greener. Who knows? Perhaps she's smarter than she wants to demonstrate.

You continue to be loving, caring and *CONFIDENT*. 

Don't sit in a limbo as far as her loyalty goes. Find out what she's up to 24/7. You MUST know.


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## Lon

Only, if only us recovering betrayed spouses could gift you our insight as to how cruel she really is being to you right now. IMO, and it very likely is biased because I was cheated on by a W that is as cowardly as yours is being, you really need to not have sympathy for her, stop blaming yourself for her misery or for her decision to quit on your marriage, by truly selfish for you and your children because nobody else is looking out for you right now. Don't be mean to her but do not be kind for she is trampling all over you and you can't even see it. I wouldn't even offer her the gift of counselling together unless she is willing to commit to her marriage, there should be no room for indifference she is either all in or all out.


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## Onlyino

@synthetic

I agree in being confident is what I need to do. This week has made me week emotionally, but I know deep down that I am a confident, self-sufficient strong man. I just don't want to lose my family and as the old the old saying goes, tough times never last but tough people do. So I need to toughen up!


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## This is me

Only, your story is nearly exactly mine one year ago today. The Friday before Valentines in 2011 I heard the word Divorce for the first time. Never even had a clue it was coming. Shocked me and made me break down.

Two things. Read and learn the 180. Use it for yourself to become stronger and more attractive, however this ends up. Also, look for the Youtube on the Walk Away Wife Syndrome. Mine had be stealth planning an exit and disguising it very well till I heard that word.

Mine I believe had an EA, which detaches them from the relationship. Very damaging. Hearing of all the password changes seems to point to another relationship. Do your research and don't ask her anymore about anyone else without proof.

We are still working on it. Seperated, but she comes by to spend sometime. I think she is having moments coming out of the fog back into reality. Two weeks ago she told me and the MC that she fears she will love me forever. This was a week after repeating she was through for the 3rd time.

If you want it to work. Back off and 180, expect the worst and hope for the best. Be as strong as you can be! Be attractive not a wreck, it pisses them off.


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## Onlyino

@Lon

I truly appreciate your words. 

Part of me wants to get angry and just walk out and see how my spoiled wife would function without someone there to take care of her. But, I do have my daughters that I will never walk out on, and deep down I want to try to make it work. As I said maybe I am being a sucker. But as of today I am not going to fuss over her, I have to start preparing for life without her and that means taking care of me and and getting my head right and being selfish. I can see that she is destroying our marriage but I do take some responsibility as she has expresses her concerns in the past and I never truly addressed them. As I said, I may be a sucker but I still don't want to lose what I have. 

About the counseling, I agree and don't, if that makes any sense. I want her to be all in but I can force her, she is making an effort, and right now that is all I can ask. She asked me to go to counseling a while ago and I flat out said no, so I would be a hypocrite to not accept the little that she is giving.


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## Onlyino

@this is me

Thanks man.

What is the 180?

As other have said and you repeated, I am going to take care of me 1st. 

I am a very confident person, never had a problem with the ladies and realize I need to find myself as I did lose some of myself putting others needs before mine. I am learning.

I tell you all something, I had a hard time putting this up initially, I am really glad I did. Their has been some great feedback from people, and it has been awesome getting advice from people that have been through similar situations.


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## Onlyino

What a weekend.

My marriage as of right now is over.

My wife had a friend of hers pre marriage party on Friday night, she asked me weeks ago to go and I gave her the good old--- maybe, we'll see--- I asked her the other day if I could go with her, and she said one of her girlfriends were. She went and came home around 1:45 am. I was awake as I can not sleep if she is not home, and she knows that. We spoke briefly and said our good nights.

The next day I took my kids shopping as they did excellent on their report cards and wanted to reward them. As we were out I stopped by her work to drop her off some lunch, she was very indifferent and at first refused the lunch, I said keep it, if you don't want someone else will.

Now this is where the lies and our marriage downfall begins.

My wife also does direct sales, where she goes to people's houses and sells items. She claimed she had one of these saturday at 5pm, she comes home from her 4hr shift at her other job and crashes on the couch. I wake her around 5 and ask her if she has "work". She tells me it was rescheduled till 8. I ask her around what time should I expect her home, she gives me a few hours. 

It gets to be after 2am, and I am starting to freak. I text her at 2:15, are u ok... nothing, I wait another 10minutes and again, are u ok, I am starting to get worried... nothing. So then at 2:30 I call her from the home phone, thinking-hoping cell phone issue... nothing. After another text, I hope you are choosing not to respond to this as I am concerned, please reply... nothing. Now I am pacing back and forth in my house, my kids are asleep and I am worried. I call again at 2:50, she answers the phone "Yeah, I am ok". At this point I ask if she is alright and why she couldn't answer me. She is fine and her phone was in her purse-- I tell not to bother coming home and hang up.

After a few texts about me smothering her and how she would never do anything to hurt our kids, I tell her by doing this you are hurting your kids. She calls the house at 3:30am, intoxicated, and says she is coming home. At this point I am so pissed/hurt I don't know what to do and I don't want her home. I call the cops-mistake, I know now-, she arrives before the police, drunk(I wish they would have got there first), they can't do nothing, I know that at least it didn't get violent.

She walks in and I don't know why but I grabbed her hand and realized she was not wearing our wedding ring. That is it... marriage over. After some heated words she crashes, due to the booze. I stay awake and think about what is the next move.

The next morning I try to have a civilized conversation and she still is in her own little world, saying she thinks it is time she becomes vindictive and she wants everything. 

She wakes up due to me not allowing her to sleep off the booze and she decides to take my kids to church... feeling a little guilty maybe? When they get home later in the afternoon, I attempt to have a conversation, we do briefly, no fighting, I tell her she has finally accomplished what she wants and that is life without me and she tells me she is sorry, she doesn't know why she acted the way she did, and for the first time since all this **** has been happening she is sad. 

She claims now that she will not be vindictive and that the kids should come first, will this attitude last, who knows? All I know is I am going to contact a lawyer today, and I finally realize that it is over.

Long post... and their is a lot more. But she got what she wanted I am done, I think now FINALLY she is realizing what life will be like without me, and for the first time I can say I am ok with that.


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## synthetic

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

She's simply a selfish person. It's not a crime, but it's also not fair to you or your children.

Don't believe her sadness. The only thing she can do to fully convince you is to become a whole different person over an extended period. It's all on her now.

Very sad.


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## Onlyino

@synthetic

Agree, she is selfish.

When you become a parent, your kids and family should come before your own needs/desires.

I know I failed at times in our marriage in not giving her enough attention, I put my kids before her alot but my family always came before my own needs or desires. 

She has grow up, hopefully that can happen one day.


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## Cogo123

I wish you luck on your journey of reconciliation. I am going thru issues with my hubby of 20 years.
I want him to be there for me and our kids more than he is but he has a problem following through with what he says he will do. I do not want to see him hurt like you are but sometimes nothing you do seems to wake them up. I would say she is disconnecting from you because she doesn't know how to make you understand what you need to do to try and fix things. On the other hand she does come across as very spoiled and pampered. What were you thinking marrying someone like that? Lol. I personally would want to be able to support myself unless she has found someone else who is willing to do that. If I were you I would look at this as a new beginning and you will still see your kids. Just not every day. I will keep you in my prayers. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany

Onlyino said:


> Now this is the most physical contact I have had from her in a while... mixed signal... I didn't know how to react to that and asked her why, she said she didn't know.
> 
> We go into see the therapist and things are a little emotional for me(of course... I have been like a baby throughout this whole ordeal) and she gets a little emotional also, not much but still something. We discuss how things got to where they are and the fact I never realized, and the therapist confirmed, I never would have realized that I was neglecting her no matter how many conversations we had as I need to be hit upside the head with a baseball bat to finally get it, which is what happened this week.
> 
> Was their any resolution or confirmation that my marriage can or will be saved... NO. But I know that she does still care for me and the most important thing right now is stop applying the pressure on her. If she is to be mine, then it will work itself out, if she doesn't and her mind and heart stay as they have been then I will have to move on. I am one for instant gratification, I want results now, and if I don't get them I want to know an exact plan on how to get them. With a situation like this that is not possible and I realize that finally. We discussed if their was someone else, anyone, whether it was just an ear to listen to her or more than that and she still is saying no, and I am believing her. Am I a sucker, I don't think so, but once again who knows. The way the session ended gave me hope in that she will continue to go to therapy with me and here is good analogy the therapist came up with... what we have is a battery now that is dead, but there is chance for a jump start, and she agreed.
> 
> We both agreed to go to single therapy sessions next week, and I truly feel better about things. As we were leaving the therapy session she asked me what I thought of him, I told her at first I thought he was a... and she completed my sentence for me, saying quack. We laughed for the first time together in a while.
> 
> I saw a therapist when I was a youth as I was a bad kid, involved with gangs and I was just a mean person. But I have changed and done a lot of soul searching and that troubled youth became an honest man, and my family is a big reason for that. I always thought I can solve all problems on my own, but I realize now sometimes you have to ask for help. The reason I tell you this is she asked me to go to therapy before, about a year ago, and I didn't go, not realizing I needed it. Now I realize it.
> 
> Another mixed signal last night, and maybe I am over analyzing things... last night I am laying on the couch watching TV, she is upstairs, she comes downstairs and puts a blanket on me... once again, does it mean anything... only time will tell.
> 
> Either way, the most difficult thing right now is this limbo state that we are in, but I know I have to accept it and I can only work on me and if by doing that it makes us better great. I need to get my mind right and make sure I become the rock I have always been. And I know I will, with her, hopefully, but without her, if necessary.


I am a female and on the opposite side... husband moved out after freezing me out for 6 wks and has shown no affection in quite sometime. The physical contact she showed you sounds good... From where I sit, it sounds like your session went well, but your right limbo sucks!

My H also changed all his passwords and his skill set is way above my head to be sure that he has everything hidden even if it is just to keep me off balance (and it does). He didn't want me looking to see who he was talking to, researching etc.I was rarely on his computer anyway, but changed his code on his phone too. 

You have a couple of things going for you so far 
1) she is still in the house. 
My H moved out and no we can't afford it either... he is financially putting us in quite a bind unless he has a second job (lol) I don't know about. 

2) She is doing little loving things (or starting to) if she was detached totally I don't think she would be. I know mixed signals can drive you crazy - mine was king about sending them until he moved out. 

3) She is going to counseling with you and you got a laugh and emotions from both of you.

Try to appreciate the good things while you have them/see them. 

I am in the family house with all of the kids and all of the responsibilities. I have to soothe my children daily about their father's disappearance (unless we can distract them so they don't think about it). 

Don't give up on the counselor give him a month to see how you feel about him. It takes more than an hour to really help a couple way to much to find out about each of them and their dynamics.


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## Onlyino

@cogo

I think I am past the point of reconciliation. She lost my trust the other night, trust is not is something I give away easily, it has to be earned and I am not sure it would be possible for me to trust her anymore. I can not forgive unfaithfulness.

Why I married her... I was in love, damn I still am in love, but love without trust will not work. She has a huge heart but has some serious issues when it comes to talking or expressing her needs to me. 

I can not imagine not seeing my kids every day, that is going to kill me... I came from a single mother household, never knew my father, so I am overly involved with my kids. I will not allow my kids to grow up as I did.

I love your last line---- What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!


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## Onlyino

@mamatomany

I can't forgive what happened the other night. Read above post.

Good luck with your situation, love is an amazing thing that can make you feel like you are floating in the clouds and also make you feel like your dying a slow miserable death.


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## Cogo123

Well I can already tell you are not going to let the same thing happen to your kids so that is not even a concern. My 10 yr old wants me to find someone else. His dad spends no time with him and that is what he misses . It's great to know you put your kids at a higher priority. Glad you are moving on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany

Only, I had read about her going out earlier today and didn't relate it to the same thread. I understand you being very upset at this point. Do you still plan on going to your individual MC and talk to him about it? It may help you get through it w/ or w/o her. 


Your quote from above:
Agree, she is selfish.
When you become a parent, your kids and family should come before your own needs/desires.
I know I failed at times in our marriage in not giving her enough attention, I put my kids before her alot but my family always came before my own needs or desires. 


I totally agree. I think infidelity, threats of infidelity, toying with the thought can be overcome ... if both are willing to work on it. 

I have been toying with what if this is what my H has done since I have no idea where he is at any time of day or night for 4 wks ... if he needs to see what's out there (grass isn't always greener) or what... would I take him back? I would have conditions ... requirements (MC) and total transparency. I am not sure I would give up so easy. I do have a job (he makes more but w/ child support I'd be okay). He has abandoned us for a month w/ little contact, my lawyer says that's good for my position. I think I am holding out hope and waiting to see... just a little longer.


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## Babyheart

Sorry to read this update Only. You hang in there and take care of yourself. Make sure to eat properly, or at least take multivitamins. Get out and get some physical activity every day, its a great stress reliever. I started Jiu Jitsu classes last year, so I got into great shape, and it was a hell of a stress reliever. Spend time with the kids, and take it one day at a time.


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## hisfac

Onlyino said:


> She calls the house at 3:30am, intoxicated, and says she is coming home. At this point I am so pissed/hurt I don't know what to do and I don't want her home. I call the cops-mistake, I know now-, she arrives before the police, drunk(I wish they would have got there first), they can't do nothing, I know that at least it didn't get violent.
> 
> She walks in and I don't know why but I grabbed her hand and realized she was not wearing our wedding ring.
> 
> She wakes up due to me not allowing her to sleep off the booze


I don't get why you called the cops? What exactly did you expect them to do? You knew she was ok because she called.

You "grabbed her hand". Why? Are you usually physical with her?

You "wouldn't allow her to sleep off the booze". 

You sound very controlling and your actions of calling the cops for no apparent good reason seem over the top, not withstanding that you were upset. But maybe it's these types of things that are driving her away from you in the first place and the cycle is perpetuated and escalated due to your poor impulse control and anger management issues?


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## warlock07

Any keylogger reports? Also, do you think she cheated that night? The wedding ring, booze until 3:00AM, most likely lying about where she was that night.


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## Onlyino

@babyheart

Thank you, I know to make it through this I have to take care of myself. You obviously have been through something like this as eating right now is not the easiest thing to do, but I am taking care of myself, eating and working out... a healthy body will help you obtain a healthy mind. I coached my kids b-ball game last night and my daughter scored 10points, out of 20, I am a proud papa!

@hisfac

I wish I didn't call the cops, i know now that it was incredibly stupid, but at that time I was so hurt/angry and I had no idea what to do. I knew she was ok, drunk, but ok, alcohol leads people to do crazy/stupid things, I had no idea what she or I was going to do when she came in and I didn't want any verbal abuse in front of my kids at 3:30am. I contemplated calling her folks, locking all the doors... I just didn't want any conflict in front of our kids. 

Grabbed her hand- I have never, nor will I ever lay my hands on a woman. You are looking too deeply into what I wrote. How about this... I reached out to touch her hand and at that time I realized she was not wearing our wedding ring.

The main reason, according to her, that we are in this situation is that I did not show her enough attention. Before the kids were born I used to call her my princess and sadly after the kids were born I didn't give her the same attention as i did prior. I started calling her my queen and she became secondary to my kids. That is where I messed up. I realize now that I should have spread my love evenly and I did not... that is why we are where we are now. Neglect, I never thought I was doing it but I was.

@warlock

Keylogger is not giving me any proof that she is or was cheating. We have talked a lot since the weekend and I do not believe she is/was cheating. She has flaws, as do we all, and being a cheater, I do not think, is one of them. She was and and still is angry at me for neglecting her for so long and at this point her heart is closed to me, she has told me she doesn't feel like we are married anymore, that is why she is not wearing the ring. I am having a very hard time accepting that, but what she is asking for now is space and I am going to give it to her to the best of my ability.

I am still so lost... as of yesterday I felt good(anger), I was content with let our relationship fail, I didn't want to do couples counseling, but all I want now is our relationship to work and I can not do anything but wait for her to decide if she wants to open her heart up to me or not.


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## konkelvonk

You remind me of my wife. I also love deprived.


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