# Knowing When



## TiredBob (Feb 9, 2011)

As I write this my wife is sat in the bedroom crying her eyes out and the sound of her pain is killing me. This isn’t new, its about the sixth or seventh time this year if I recall right but I can never get used to it and it kills me each and every time. 

We’ve been married ten years, both in our early thirties with no children, both from a very different pair of cultures. She has been wanting children for a long time now and in the early days so did I but recently, over the past three or so years, I have gone off the idea on account of us not being intimate and deep down just not wanting kids. No idea where these changes came from, perhaps a depression on my side and after an initial argument (and tears) things are brushed under the carpet, she tries to convince herself that she doesn’t need kids and we go back to being normal (if you can call our situation normal) until the next time I see that longing look for children in her eyes. 

I care for her a lot. She’s an incredibly sweet and loving person who would make the ideal mother but to give in and produce kids for her just would not be right on anyone especially for the chid. I care for her so much that I detest the idea of her having to lie to herself and want her to move on with her life (she is still young enough) and have what she deserves but she is convinced that she loves me and refuses to let go. Any time we bring this up things are miserable for a few days but we’ll eventually slip into our old routines (a lot of the time I give up simply because I hate seeing her so down) until the next time it happens. It’s a never ending circle. 

We tried MC once but it was a total disaster, the jerk just kept on telling her that I had changed (which I had) while she sat there crying, it made me feel like an even bigger villain for bringing this hurt upon her but am I wrong to think we need to do this now rather than later? How did others cope with the feelings of guilt and pain they were causing?


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you are going through and see that each of you are hurting in your own ways. It's painful to think that even in a loving relationship, people can drift apart.

I can understand her pain because my husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for almost one. We agreed to start trying for kids after our first wedding anniversary and while I was ok with at first, it quickly changed to wanting children now. Then I think, nah, I can wait. To her defense, it really isn't easy to give up the thought of having kids especially when you've always wanted them. It really is like being hungry; you have this strong hunger and until you feed it, there's nothing that can satisfy it. So you snack on a granola bar - fine, that got rid of the hunger. But then an hour later, you're just ravenous! I'm sorry to say but I don't think she'll ever be ok with never having kids.

I do have to commend you for being so supportive and understanding. I'm sure it isn't easy for you .

She loves you, clearly she does otherwise she would've taken your offer and just parted ways amicably. I'm betting that she wants to stick around hoping that when you DO want to have kids again, it'd be with her. I say this because I think that's what I would feel. I'd be devastated if I were in her shoes, moved on and then two years later found out the love of my life had children with someone else.

I think the only way to deal with this is to continue talking about it. There has to be a breaking point, there always is. Try your best to encourage her to REALLY figure out what she wants because I'm sure this "band aid" fix is killing you both.

What are the changes in your life that have made you reconsider having kids? Fear? There has to be a reason.


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## TiredBob (Feb 9, 2011)

Thank you for the honest feedback barbieDoll, it is very much appreciated. It has been a weird afternoon as, after her cry, she went out for a walk and came back smiling. We cooked a meal and ate together, then cuddled up to watch a movie like nothing was wrong. Once more we seem to have swept the problem under the carpet which is so frustrating because if it wasn’t for the child situation we could have a chance at fixing things but whenever it is swept under I am just waiting for it to emerge once again.

There are other problems in our relationship, the lack of intimacy and communication has been bothering me for years but whenever I try to approach the subjects she just goes on the defensive and starts blaming me for everything. In fact one reason that I don’t want children is that we’re unable to have rational debates or discussions about things and it feels like we’re never working together towards a common goal. With us it tends to be a case of either hiding the problems or braking down in fits of tears over them, she never wants to tackle them head on like I do so we’re stuck in this limbo of waiting for each other to change.

I want her to move on with her life but she’d only do that if I forcefully demand that we separate (which would involve being mean to her which I dislike) yet at the same time I constantly worry about her being able to cope alone (this is a foreign country for her so she has no support) because when she gets down she can get very depressed to the point of ignoring her personal safety. 

I don’t know what I am asking, I want to end this circle we seem to be living through but I can’t see a way out of it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TiredBob said:


> Once more we seem to have swept the problem under the carpet which is so frustrating because if it wasn’t for the child situation we could have a chance at fixing things but whenever it is swept under I am just waiting for it to emerge once again.
> 
> In fact one reason that I don’t want children is that we’re unable to have rational debates or discussions about things and it feels like we’re never working together towards a common goal. With us it tends to be a case of either hiding the problems or braking down in fits of tears over them, she never wants to tackle them head on like I do so we’re stuck in this limbo of waiting for each other to change.


Making NO firm decision is a decision, in that it will keep you stuck in denial indefinitely. Like it or not, you have made a choice to continue living in a marriage which has an issue that is a major deal breaker: children vs. no children. 



TiredBob said:


> I don’t know what I am asking, I want to end this circle we seem to be living through but I can’t see a way out of it.


You are an adult. You end it. Yes, your wife is going to be hurt, but living in the twilight zone is not really living either, is it? Is it possible that your wife would consider returning to her native country to be closer to her family? I'm not saying ship her off on the next plane out, but both of you are living half-lives by continuing to perpetuate this facade. 

She wants children. You don't. She either can't or won't handle problems like an adult. Dissolving into tears happens to everyone from time to time, but it sounds like her S.O.P. It also keeps you feeling guilty. You own your feelings, and if you don't want kids and don't feel, as a couple, the two of you can constructively solve your issues/problems, then that's the way it is. Man up and let her find a guy who is gung-ho to have kids. 

Actually, you sound like two people who enjoy one another's company - to a point, and you get along - to a point. But when it comes to the major nit-and-grit of marriage, it sounds like a losing proposition to me.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

TiredBob said:


> In fact one reason that I don’t want children is that we’re unable to have rational debates or discussions about things and it feels like we’re never working together towards a common goal. With us it tends to be a case of either hiding the problems or braking down in fits of tears over them, she never wants to tackle them head on like I do so we’re stuck in this limbo of waiting for each other to change.


Have you told her this? I think perhaps if you did, she'd actually listen. Yes she might blame you for everything at the moment, but it sounds like she's the type of person that is VERY passionate: quick to blow up and respond but doesn't REALLY get it until it "marinades" for a little bit. Plant the seed, it might get her talking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is a big issue. One wants children when the other one doesn't.

Something has to give.


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