# Can you tell if...



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

a woman has had an abortion, recently?

Strange thread title (and question, probably), but here's my reason for asking, and it's something that's bugged me for a few years now:

While my ex wife and I were still together, some 2-3 years before we split, she told me one day out of the blue that her sister had been having an affair with her first love, a man she had dated for a few years way back in high school. At the time of this "news", my former SIL was in her early 30's, seemingly happily married to a pretty good guy, and had two young children, around 1 and 3 at the time.

I found this rather hard to believe, for a number of reasons, but I also had absolutely no reason to not believe my then wife. Like, none. She kept me abreast of this... situation for a couple of years, pretty much until the last year my ex wife and I were together. I was even under the impression that my SIL knew that I knew, even though I never directly said anything to her. My ex wife never told me to NOT say anything to her.

One day, she told me that her sister had become pregnant by this man, and that she was accompanying her to an abortion clinic. After this, the alleged affair was over, and it was never spoken of again. Not long after, my ex wife left me for another man.

Getting close to the end of the story, bear with me...

So after my divorce, my ex SIL kept in touch with me, as I was a godfather to one of her kids, whereas the rest of their family never really spoke to me again. I would see them a few times a year, give them birthday and Christmas presents, that sort of thing. Nothing social that didn't involve the kids. My god-daughter was even the flower girl at my second wedding 

Anyway, I had been talking with her one day on the phone, and we somehow got on the topic of cheating in marriage (as she knew her sister, my ex wife, had cheated on me, etc.) I very casually mentioned that I was glad she had "chosen" her husband and kids, or something along those lines.

Now her reaction to that comment was disbelief. She had no idea what I was talking about. She didn't outright deny it, which is something I would think somebody who HAD done something wrong would do. She acted as though she had no idea what in the hell I was talking about. When I told her that this is what her sister had told me several years back, she was shocked. And then she started to cry. And I felt bad.

She continued to question me on what her sister had told me, and I eventually let her know that my ex wife had told me she (my SIL) had become pregnant and went to the clinic with her. The tears turned to anger and disbelief, and she let me go, and told me she was calling her sister (in Europe) immediately to ask her what the hell she was on about.

Anyway, to keep this from getting TOO long, I'll avoid the ensuing nuclear bombs that went off and cut to the chase - my reason for asking this question.

It occurred to me, much much later on, that perhaps all of the stuff that my ex wife had told me about her sister, was actually about HER. Like some sort of evil and twisted way of admitting things she did to me, without incriminating herself.

Incidentally, the response my former SIL got from my ex wife was kind of insane. She told her that she thought I had a thing for her (my SIL), so she tried to make her undesirable to me. Yes, really. I found this response interesting, because she easily could have lied to her and said that she had said nothing of the sort and twist it to make me look like I was insane (which is something my ex wife would have been very capable of). That is the response I expected, but instead my former SIL told me that THAT was what my ex wife told her.

So it dawned on me that perhaps my ex wife was the one having the affair (which it turned out she had cheated on me, but I don't believe in anything long term), and perhaps SHE was the one who got pregnant and had an abortion.

All this to ask - would somebody have been able to tell, physically, if a woman had had an abortion recently, and if so, for about how long afterwards? My ex wife and I had regular (more or less) sex throughout our relationship. There was never any time, that I can recall, that we went an extended period of time without.

Forget the mental aspects of it. I don't know how to put this gently, but if there was ever a woman alive who could have an abortion and not have any immediate or lasting mental repercussions from it, it would be her. So from a purely physical standpoint, could somebody have an abortion and not skip a beat, so to speak?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

If your ex wife had the mental clarity (and emotionally) to project her indiscretions to her own sister, then the probability of your ex wife having an abortion and not skipping a beat is extremely high.

You will not know until you ask her. If you do, she might deny it. It is actually a lose lose situation.

I am very sorry for your pain.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My brother had no clue his wife did this. At least not until a few years later when SIL broke down because of the guilt of killing her baby.


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

Ain't no way of knowing unless you are in the medical profession and saw her soon after it happened...IMHO


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## DazedAndConfused25 (Sep 17, 2014)

There would not be any outward physical signs you would notice unless you were paying attention. Physical side effects would be like a period on rampage in terms of blood and pain. She wouldn't have been allowed to have intercourse for two weeks and would be on antibiotics. I know you say that emotionally she would be fine, but I have yet to meet a woman who was not a wreck. Also, someone would have to go with her. They will not let you drive yourself home after the procedure and ask that someone watch you for 24 hours. It's definitely something that CAN be hidden if you're really sneaky, especially with all the confidentiality stuff these days. But idk. I've spoken to many women who have been there, and it was obvious to their partners (the ones who cared enough to be there). I would think it obvious, but I know what to look for. 

I'm more inclined to believe she thought you had a thing for her sister and made it up to scare you off. Maybe the sister liked you back. Who knows? I've felt threatened by family to the point I don't even introduce one of my cousins to my boyfriends or guy friends anymore.

I don't know of any of that helped. But I will end on this: you aren't with her anymore and clearly she has issues, so why stress over something that may or may not have happened? Keep enjoying your less dramaful life.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I had a medical abortion and I did have bleeding (same as a period but heavier) for about 2 weeks after. However that's only for a medical abortion, I have no idea about a surgical abortion if there are any after-effects. I didn't have any other effects and no one could possibly have known unless they were looking in my underwear  

By the way, no one has to go with you, I went by myself, the whole thing took 15 minutes. They just give you a pill to swallow and then you go home. Really it's not a big deal in terms of time or involving other parties. No one watched me either, I was living alone though I did go to work so saw people, but no one who was involved in my gynecological care. (Again, for a medical abortion. Surgical I have no clue.)

I wasn't a wreck, by the way, that's definitely not a given. I was a wreck before the abortion, though. After, definitely not.

So in short, signs if it were a medical abortion would just be an excessively long period.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DazedAndConfused25 said:


> I know you say that emotionally she would be fine, but I have yet to meet a woman who was not a wreck.


Oh, trust me... I don't think she's capable of human emotion!




DazedAndConfused25 said:


> Also, someone would have to go with her. They will not let you drive yourself home after the procedure and ask that someone watch you for 24 hours. It's definitely something that CAN be hidden if you're really sneaky, especially with all the confidentiality stuff these days. But idk. I've spoken to many women who have been there, and it was obvious to their partners (the ones who cared enough to be there). I would think it obvious, but I know what to look for.


Yeah, which would explain why her sister went with her (or the other way around, as she said...). But there's different types of abortion, right? (I know very little about it, I apologize). My ex wife definitely didn't look pregnant, ever, and I don't recall my SIL (other than when she actually WAS pregnant!) looking so either. So I don't think it would have been the kind where she would have had to take it easy for a few weeks?



DazedAndConfused25 said:


> I'm more inclined to believe she thought you had a thing for her sister and made it up to scare you off. Maybe the sister liked you back. Who knows?


Yeah, me too. It's the second most logical explanation of things. But there's no basis in it at all. Although her sister and I always got along, there was nothing there. I wasn't her type, and she definitely wasn't mine. There was no sisterly rivalry between the two of them - when it came to me, anyway. They were pretty tight when they were mid-late teens (3 year age difference), and my ex wife often hung out with her sister and friends, and also got involved with a few guys who were friends with her sister and then-boyfriend.

But, get this, the guy my SIL was dating back then for a few years, she broke up with, and my ex wife was very upset at that. (?!?!) She really liked this guy, and said she thought of him as an older brother. So she essentially stopped talking to her sister for a few years, and didn't like anybody else she dated (or married) from that point on. Not coincidentally, this was the guy she told me her sister was having an affair with.

There was definitely an unhealthy interest in this guy for her, and I genuinely don't think it was THAT. I met him a few times over the years, and he was a really good guy. My ex wife never showed any signs of that kind of interest in him, it was more of a familial thing. Her parents also spoke very fondly of him.

Honestly, I think my ex wife was in fantasy land and created this story in her head which she verbalized to me over those years. I also think it's entirely possible that what she said about her sister was true, as much as it pains me to say it. Just because her sister seemed happy and I didn't think she was capable of something like that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

It just occurred to me years later that perhaps she was the one having the affair, got pregnant, all that, but she was projecting it on to her sister. The farther away I got from my ex wife, the more I realized how many knives she was short from her drawer, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least that she was capable of Fatal Attraction type behavior.



DazedAndConfused25 said:


> I don't know of any of that helped. But I will end on this: you aren't with her anymore and clearly she has issues, so why stress over something that may or may not have happened? Keep enjoying your less dramaful life.


Oh, no stress! Honestly, it doesn't really matter what the answer is. It's just something that occurred to me a while back, and TAM is such a great place to get opinions. If my ex wife popped up tomorrow and told me she bonked 40 guys and got pregnant, and blah blah blah, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. What she did back then has no bearing on my life now and wouldn't affect me positively or negatively. It's more just curiosity and filling in the (many) blanks.

I'd also like to add that my ex wife's family and mine are both upper middle class, well educated, successful, and not prone to this kind of Jerry Springer type drama. I find it funny (?) that these types of things can, and do, happen with people whom you wouldn't expect this type of thing from. Mental issues can affect anybody, regardless of background, upbringing, class, etc. But it still blows my mind!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

FWIW, and this could be a whole other thread, I regret not having said something to her sister way back when. It certainly would have cleared things up back then, that's for sure!

But, I never mentioned anything to her about her alleged affair, because I was so caught in the middle and only being fed one story (real or not). I had no reason to not believe my ex wife, but at the same time, when I saw my SIL with her husband and kids, I didn't see how any of it was possible. I just didn't see anything but a loving couple with 2 young kids. She certainly didn't seem like she was bored, tired of her husband, not in love with him, or anything else. In other words: no signs.

In retrospect, I should have spoken to my SIL back then, and asked, for myself, what was going on. My ex wife never told me to not talk to her - which concerns me now. There was never a time when my ex wife said "Don't say anything to her, I don't want her to know you know". This would have been something, I imagine, she would have said to me if it was untrue. But then again, she may have instinctively known that I wouldn't have said anything (and she would have been right... sigh).

I think, deep down, I don't believe my SIL, unfortunately, and I'm still trying, after all these years, to make heads or tails of it, because I WANT to believe her. We are no longer in touch (we just went our separate ways, no hostility or anything), but she was the only one out of that entire family to even address our divorce, never mind keep in touch afterwards. She tried very hard to stay out of the middle of it all, but over the years her contempt for her sister (my ex wife) showed through very slightly, and we had a solid, if sparse, relationship for about 4 years afterwards.

So it's likely questions I will never get answers to, but it bothers me that I was put in the middle of it all and never got a proper resolution to anything. But deep down, I think I already know what was the truth...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

this type of thinking may not be too healthy for you. Yeah, she was a complete *******. But she is the ex now. I would just roll my eyes and let it slide at this point.

If she had an abortion, she would have been very sick and tired that day. Lots of sleeping. And then a period with no sex, tenderness for some days after.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

As long as there are no complications, an abortion is very easy to hide. Many women can go to work directly afterwards.

And she wouldn't have any outward signs of being pregnant as it would've been very early in the term.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Ducktapetherapy said:


> The biggest thing that stuck out to me in your thread is that you remained being a god-father to one of your SIL's kids. I think that's great, kids are desperate for positive role models today. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. you may never find out the truth, so I would say embrace the positive aspects of your life and keep moving forward.
> 
> ~Ducktapetherapy


Thank you 

And no, I'll never find out the truth, nor do I really want to, I don't think. I KNOW none of it matters, I truly do. It has no bearing on my life whatsoever, and I don't put a whole lot of time into thinking about this, or anything else related to that period of my life.

It's a personality fault of mine. I have this idiotic need to know things that don't usually matter. I know they don't matter. It's just this feeling (like in this case) that a bunch of people know things, but I don't. And it involves me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no way to tell by, say, just looking at someone.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I also would have thought it would have been your ex wife and not SIL. I mean, is it that far off from the realm of possibility given that she did in fact cheat on you? A resulting pregnancy is not a shocker in that case.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> There is no way to tell by, say, just looking at someone.


I meant more by looking "under the hood", lol!

Not that I could remember 7 years ago or anything, but I don't recall anything around that time that seemed off.

But yeah, I guess I've resigned myself to never knowing. All 3 scenarios are possible: My ex wife was a cheater, so it could have been her. My former SIL could have had an affair, even though it didn't seem likely at the time. Or my ex wife could have made the entire thing up as some weird way to mess with me.

In fact, door #3 is probably the most likely one. She definitely had problems, that I know. Having had her out of my life for so long now, hindsight is 20/20, and she most definitely had some serious mental issues that would have allowed her to make up such outrageous stories.

Anyway, thanks all, appreciate it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> I meant more by looking "under the hood", lol!
> 
> Not that I could remember 7 years ago or anything, but I don't recall anything around that time that seemed off.
> 
> ...


Ya know? This is just sick. She fed you those lies about her sister, and for all these years, that probably caused you to have a tainted, unfavorable view of your SIL!  Not that you had lost any love for her, but lets face it...your view of her was not the same once you heard these things she was supposedly doing. I am glad that you guys were able to maintain a friendship after everything, thats so great. 

Just....sad. Some people are really sick.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

alexm said:


> I meant more by looking "under the hood", lol!


You mean by looking at her vagina? No. You won't be able to tell that way.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ya know? This is just sick. She fed you those lies about her sister, and for all these years, that probably caused you to have a tainted, unfavorable view of your SIL!  Not that you had lost any love for her, but lets face it...your view of her was not the same once you heard these things she was supposedly doing. I am glad that you guys were able to maintain a friendship after everything, thats so great.
> 
> Just....sad. Some people are really sick.


Yes, yes it is.

That's provided it's actually the case, though. I'm not entirely sure it was, which is the confusing thing.

As I said, I believed what my ex wife told me at the time. There was no reason for me to not believe her. When your spouse tells you something like that, it doesn't cross your mind that he/she is completely insane or would ever say something like that about their own sibling.

However, it may not have been a lie. My former SIL denied it all (and did a very convincing job of doing so) a few years after my ex wife had gone, but that doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't true. Perhaps she was trying to protect herself or her family. My ex wife had been out of the country for a couple of years at that point, and as far as I knew, their relationship was almost nil. It wouldn't have been difficult to deny it all and get away with it, I would have no way of finding out the truth, if that's what it came down to.

I did send my ex wife a short email (the first contact I'd had with her in well over a year) basically asking her how the hell she could have lied to me about her sister like that, and she did actually reply. Very short, very terse, something along the lines of a half-assed apology, and that was that. But me being me, thought it could be possible that her sister asked her to tell me it was a lie, in order to protect her. My ex wife not giving a crap about me anymore, as well as being 2000 miles away, could have been okay with that. I don't know. I sound paranoid!

I want to trust my former sister in law, I really do, but the way my ex wife told me and described things over those years seemed beyond a simple lie. For example, she never once said not to say anything to her sister. Only to not say anything in front of her husband or parents. I know this guy was... around... though that doesn't prove a thing. He was also a friend of my ex's, and was still in touch with their parents (yep.) The details she gave me were... detailed, where they went, what they did, what they talked about, that sort of thing. And my ex wife and her sister did have an increase of time spent together during this period, after a good 10 years of only seeing each other at family functions. After the alleged affair was over, they went back to not speaking all that often.

Basically, all three scenarios are entirely possible, though all three also seem unlikely in their own way, if that makes sense.

It still bothers me to this day - and not because it has anything to do with my ex wife, there are no hang ups about her. But it's one of those amazingly strange situations that I can't make heads or tails of and I want a resolution to, simply because I was right in the middle of it.

I think I'll have to settle on the most obvious and logical one - my SIL had an affair. The other two scenarios just seem too far-fetched to me, even for my ex wife.


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