# Advice please, im struggling to cope.



## Loky (Apr 2, 2021)

Hi, my wife has had 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months, she's now saying she think we should go our own way for now until she sorts herself out, she's hurting inside and her head is all over the place, I've told her I'm here for her and love her to bit, but she saying I can't help her, she need to do it on her own, we have been married 3 years and been together for 13 years we have 3 kids already, I don't know that to do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Post Partum, _Miscarriage of Justice._

Add in substantial depression on her part.

Get her to a prescribing physician soon.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is usually a prelude to divorce. Nothing gets worked on being separated.


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## Loky (Apr 2, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Post Partum, _Miscarriage of Justice._
> 
> Add in substantial depression on her part.
> 
> Get her to a prescribing physician soon.


Thanks for replying, she doesn't want to be together at the moment, she's tried to get counselling but with covid it's hard to get.


Marc878 said:


> Separation is usually a prelude to divorce. Nothing gets worked on being separated.


She's saying she doesn't know if it's for good or temporary until she sorts her self out


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She is putting you in limbo but only you will keep yourself there.

If it were me I would go online and check the phone bill just as a precaution.


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## Loky (Apr 2, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> She is putting you in limbo but only you will keep yourself there.
> 
> If it were me I would go online and check the phone bill just as a precaution.


I'm in the UK so doing that is impossible, she uses her mobile phone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Post Partum, _Miscarriage of Justice._
> 
> Add in substantial depression on her part.
> 
> Get her to a prescribing physician soon.


Your advice has been spot on lately Mars. Just sayin


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> She is putting you in limbo but only you will keep yourself there.
> 
> If it were me I would go online and check the phone bill just as a precaution.


I was thinking same. It’s weird how often we read threads where women who have had the death of someone close to them somehow be an impetus for cheating.


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## Loky (Apr 2, 2021)

Sh


Evinrude58 said:


> I was thinking same. It’s weird how often we read threads where women who have had the death of someone close to them somehow be an impetus for cheating.


Shes kind of reassured me thers no one else involved


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Loky said:


> Sh
> 
> 
> Shes kind of reassured me thers no one else involved


And that may be true. Sadly, a spouse that is getting cheated on has a better chance of hitting the powerball every day for the next ten years than hearing the truth from a disloyal spouse.

any time a spouse suddenly wants “space” or a separation. It’s wise to check for infidelity. May not be, but don’t discount it as a possibility.

my advice is to listen to SunCMars and get her treated for depression. That much is obvious.


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## Loky (Apr 2, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> And that may be true. Sadly, a spouse that is getting cheated on has a better chance of hitting the powerball every day for the next ten years than hearing the truth from a disloyal spouse.


I do believe her though, as she never stopped me touching her, if that was the case surely she wouldn't want me near her ?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Loky said:


> Sh
> 
> 
> Shes kind of reassured me thers no one else involved


Go online and check. They will never tell you the truth in these situations.

wake up ! It takes 10 minutes tops.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Loky said:


> I do believe her though, as she never stopped me touching her, if that was the case surely she wouldn't want me near her ?


Not necessarily. At least rule it out. Living in fear which is what you’re doing will make this worse.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

More often than not, "space" is the attempt at the gentle let down. In other words, it accomplishes the same thing as a complete ending of the relationship, while assuaging the guilt of the one who "needs space".

If it were me, I would do some preliminary checks to rule out infidelity...that does NOT include asking her. Once it is ruled out, I would give her so much space she would think the separation was my idea.

Go out. 

Pursue hobbies. 

Do fun things with your kids. 

Check some things off the bucket list.

Show her that you don't NEED her through your actions.

But...she is the one that leaves the house, not you. She wants it? Let her figure out how to do it. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Loky (Apr 2, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not necessarily. At least rule it out. Living in fear which is what you’re doing will make this worse.


How do i check without her finding out ?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Loky said:


> How do i check without her finding out ?


Your cellphone has an online account. It has several months of text/call data By phone number. You can download and sort by Incoming outgoing phone numbers. If there is a lot of calls/texts to a certainty number then figure out who it belongs to. Upfront if there is something amiss keep your mouth shut. Eyes and ears open.

Your paper copy bills may have the same but only by month.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I wouldn't presume she's leaving to cheat but I would presume she might harm herself- is that a possibility? For that reason I'd think any counselor agree that she needs to be watched.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Yea, you need to go James Bond to find out what’s going on. 

I also agree that it is so common for wives who go through some trauma like miscarriage to seek comfort in another man’s arms. It’s not like they go looking for it, they are just vulnerable to interlopers. I also noticed the same thing with mothers of kids with special needs.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She needs help asap, she is willing to break up a family to address her hurt inside for the miscarriage's make no rational sense. remind her that you are stronger together than apart.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Talk will get you nothing in these situations. It’s a form of chasing which will push them farther away.

Go your own way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> More often than not, "space" is the attempt at the gentle let down. In other words, it accomplishes the same thing as a complete ending of the relationship, while assuaging the guilt of the one who "needs space".
> 
> If it were me, I would do some preliminary checks to rule out infidelity...that does NOT include asking her. Once it is ruled out, I would give her so much space she would think the separation was my idea.
> 
> ...


Best advice you’ll get. You start wallowing in this you’ll wish you hadn’t.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Loky said:


> Thanks for replying, she doesn't want to be together at the moment, she's tried to get counselling but with covid it's hard to get.
> 
> 
> She's saying she doesn't know if it's for good or temporary until she sorts her self out


It's not hard to get. You do it by phone or Zoom online.

Is there any chance she's decided she doesn't want to have a child because maybe she was uncertain if she wanted to stay in the marriage, and maybe this was the deciding factor for her (like fate)?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hate to say this...

It is a horrible thing to say. 

Could she be causing the baby losses herself?
Somehow causing them to abort?

Do you guys use birth control, or does your church 'still' forbid it.

She might not want any more children. 
She badly, wants out of her marriage.

I am just speculating here.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

This is a rough situation. But you need to push the fear and emotions aside and address it from a position of strength and resolve.

There’s more going on here, you need to investigate. Mouth shut, eyes open and get in detective mode now. Check her phone/devices, phone bill etc. Maybe there’s not another man in the picture, but it is a real possibility whether you want to believe it or not. You would be wise to investigate.

**Important: Do NOT allow any separation, period. A separation is only a way to ease into a divorce at her convenience and/or to try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation. She’s either your wife or she’s not. If she insists she needs a separation to figure herself out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience. If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife. You need to act immediately in your own best interest. If she chooses this path, understand that she is no longer your friend and she is not on your side. You need to act accordingly.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Let's not discount grief here. For some people, a miscarriage may not seem as bad as having an already known person die, but for the woman who has that tiny life growing inside her, it's a real trauma and loss. This poor woman has lost not one but two children in only 6 months. I seriously doubt screwing around is what's on her mind. She needs help. 

A little compassion, comfort, could possibly go a long way to making her want to keep the family intact.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Loky said:


> Hi, my wife has had 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months, she's now saying she think we should go our own way for now until she sorts herself out, she's hurting inside and her head is all over the place, I've told her I'm here for her and love her to bit, but she saying I can't help her, she need to do it on her own, we have been married 3 years and been together for 13 years we have 3 kids already, I don't know that to do.


She may need progesterone therapy to get the uterus ahead of the curve. My wife had 7 miscarries before progesterone therapy and carried the next 2.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> Let's not discount grief here. For some people, a miscarriage may not seem as bad as having an already known person die, but for the woman who has that tiny life growing inside her, it's a real trauma and loss. This poor woman has lost not one but two children in only 6 months. I seriously doubt screwing around is what's on her mind. She needs help.
> 
> A little compassion, comfort, could possibly go a long way to making her want to keep the family intact.


I agree completely.

Women and hormonal changes are not a good mix. 

I went into a deep depression and anxiety while pregnant with my second child. I was so scared of having a second child. 

Things got back to normal post partum, but the experience was bad enough, I didn't want to have more children. 

Check with her Drs. ask for help. She's been on a hormonal rollercoaster. 

My midwife at the time told me to never underestimate hormones, they are the main fuel for female bodies.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

theloveofmylife said:


> Let's not discount grief here. For some people, a miscarriage may not seem as bad as having an already known person die, but for the woman who has that tiny life growing inside her, it's a real trauma and loss. This poor woman has lost not one but two children in only 6 months. I seriously doubt screwing around is what's on her mind. She needs help.
> 
> A little compassion, comfort, could possibly go a long way to making her want to keep the family intact.


You’re probably right about the grief and need for company and comfort. If OP isn’t providing that comfort, he needs to (but there’s nothing to indicate he hasn’t been giving her comfort and empathy).

Either way, she still doesn’t get to demand a separation to figure herself out. She’s either willing to figure herself out as his wife or she’s not. OP would be a fool to allow a separation. She’s either committed to being his wife or she’s not. And if she’s not, he needs move forward with divorce. Otherwise, she will string him along, act badly, and ultimately destroy him in the end.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

wow... she's had 2 miscarriages in 6 months and people think she is cheating? As someone who lived through a miscarriage at a very late stage, I can tell you it messes you up big time, and I'm only the husband...


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Loky said:


> Sh
> 
> 
> Shes kind of reassured me thers no one else involved


Of course she would.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Loky said:


> Thanks for replying, she doesn't want to be together at the moment, she's tried to get counselling but with covid it's hard to get.
> 
> 
> She's saying she doesn't know if it's for good or temporary until she sorts her self out


Something seems amiss here.

My reason for coming to TAM was to seek advice or stories for having moving on to have a successful marriage inspite of desperately wanting kids but not being able to conceive. We had been trying for 5 years and I was convinced it wasn't going to happen and wanted to move forward as s childless couple. My husband was the one who was devastated and stuck. He wouldn't get help and he couldn't move past it.

I was the one who felt like this was going to destroy our marriage eventually. I finally had to give the ultimatum of get help or lets move past it together. But we can't stay stuck here.

The last thing he wanted was to be unable to have kids AND lose his marriage. That to him would have been losing everything.

In your situation it appears I am you and your wife my husband. It seems it should be HER who doesn't want to lose her marriage after already having such devastating losses.

Like others have being saying, either we're missing some information (such as you not being supportive but that really doesn't seem to be the case because you wouldn't be here asking for help). Or you are missing some information such as she just wants out and this is her means of graceful escape.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

So sorry for your loss OP.

Miscarriage and divorce are sadly often bedfellows. You are both in grief and your wife sounds depressed, this can lead to misunderstandings, anger and feelings of hopelessness. Your wife may be feeling that you would be better off without her sadly.

You both need proper professional support. She may need medication if she doesn't have any already. I know this is challenging to get at this time but we are talking about your marriage and you and your wife's mental well-being here. This is the biggest, most important thing in your life right now, treat it as such.

Some posters have suggested infidelity and stranger things have happened, but if you are going to investigate this, do it very cautiously. Your wife finding out that you think that she is behaving this way because she has another man on the go when she is grieving and depressed could wreck your marriage and really send her into more of a bad spiral.

I would recommend finding some counselling support for you both and try and get her back to the doctors to talk about her mental health. Try and speak to her and say that as you are both really grieving at the moment now is not the time for big decisions like a separation. Let her know that most marriages don't comeback from separations and that if she forces you into that position you will need to take the appropriate steps to protect yourself and your relationship with your children (I know this sounds like a threat so you'll need to word it carefully).


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

A mother of 3 wanting to have a separation that she’s not sure will be permanent means she wants to blow up the family.

We have had countless threads of BHs that start off like this. The husband thinks it’s whatever reason the wife gave. Whether it’s depression, claims of emotional abuse, being controlling, or some past argument that she’s brought up or how you load the dishwasher or don’t lower the toilet seat. he takes his wife’s word that there is no one else.

And of course we have posters stating it has nothing to do with another man why do so many people always jump to that conclusion to only find out a few pages into the thread, that lo and behold, there was another man all along.

I understand that miscarriage is traumatic but wanting to blow up your family that has 3 kids, over them doesn’t make sense. What does make sense is a depressed woman getting comfort in another man’s arms, then losing her mind over that high. The chemicals our minds release during an affair are intoxicating for regular people but for a person that was in a depression, it’s on a different level.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Loky said:


> Sh
> 
> 
> Shes kind of reassured me thers no one else involved


Verify that. you feel something is seriously amiss or you would not be posting here.
keep your eye and ears open and mouth shut.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

We're going to need to throw some logic out the window here because there are a variety of forces at play here and many defy logic. 

First off there is grief. It may be real. For some women, the loss of a pregnancy is not a loss of fetal tissue and then when the doctor gives the green light it is a reset button to try again like trying for a strike in bowling the frame after not picking up the spare in this frame. For some women, it is not only the loss of a flesh and blood child inside them, it is the loss of an entire lifetime with a child they will never have. That grief and sense of loss can be profound. 

Another aspect at play is the hormonal derangement that can play havoc on her emotions for months at a time or even longer if not treated. Her body was building another life and another being and was getting itself prepared to develop and grow a whole new human for 9 months and then deliver it and then feed it for another year or two and now suddenly it is simply gone. That throws everything out of whack and now everything is in a state of hormonal chaos. 

This isn't to be taken lightly or poo-poo's as just having mood swings or being moody. Our hormones play a huge role not only in all of our emotions and feelings but in our brain functioning as well. People can become downright delusional and suicidal and even homicidal. Take this seriously!!

And from an evo-psyche perspective, her own subconscious may be giving her wacky messages as well. A part of her deep, instinctive subconscious could be telling her that you didn't take care of her well enough, that you didn't protect her and by default the baby well enough or even that your very "seed" isn't good enough, so that if she is to have a healthy, vigorous offspring that survives, she will need to find a more healthy and vigorous mate with better seed. 

It's not uncommon for a woman to leave a partner and find a new mate shortly after experiencing a miscarriage or death of a child because she simply has lost all feelings and connections to him following the event. often without her even understanding it or knowing why herself. 

She may also feel that SHE isn't viable mate material and that she isn't an adequate vessel to carry and bear offspring. She may feel unworthy as a mate and mother. 

The list goes on and on and while to the average joe that tends to look at things in black and white with logic, logic has no real place in the female reproductive realm. 

She needs serious multi-disciplined help. She needs actual medical/physiological assessment and treatment for the hormonal and medical issues taking place. 

She needs grief counseling and treatment. 

And you probably need marital counseling and therapy for the relationship challenges.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Loky said:


> Thanks for replying, she doesn't want to be together at the moment, she's tried to get counselling but with covid it's hard to get.
> 
> 
> She's saying she doesn't know if it's for good or temporary until she sorts her self out


Forget counseling -- get her to her OBGYN or primary care Dr and let them know what is up.

Also, VERY sorry for your losses.


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