# Wondering...Am I Selfish?



## unhappy2000 (Mar 17, 2016)

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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

unhappy2000 said:


> I feel selfish because I expect these things. Maybe I'm suppose to conform to this lifestyle and I can't stop that guilty feeling for not wanting to accept reality anymore.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


Your feelings are *incredibly important*. Never forget that and never feel that you have to sacrifice your happiness for others. Love is to be unconditional and when you give love, you release endorphins in your own body. Gifts of love make happiness. He is not experiencing this.

You have to lay it out to him, but not like an ultimatum. Just relay the facts and what the facts mean to you. You should also show him where you'd like the relationship to be, so that you can hold hands together and do the journey together. Find a time that he will talk to you, otherwise try to initiate the talk. Lay out the facts. It is not up for debate, your feelings are your feelings.

He is sacrificing his own happiness by being that way. Per the endorphin release, he is not really accepting your gifts of love, which keeps you all bottled up.

NO, you are not selfish. I always advise individuals to *selfishly *pursue their happiness. My partner benefits tremendously with my selfish approach to love. I give and give and give.

Look at Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. This sounds like empty love (single pillar, missing two [passion and friendship])


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You have to lay it out to him, but not like an ultimatum. Just relay the facts and what the facts mean to you. You should also show him where you'd like the relationship to be, so that you can hold hands together and do the journey together. Find a time that he will talk to you, otherwise try to initiate the talk. Lay out the facts. It is not up for debate, your feelings are your feelings.


Kind of like this:



unhappy2000 said:


> I have not only told him that I am lonely, but have explicitly said that to sit next to me once a month is something that would be great as we watch tv in the evening or to hold me once in a while in the night.


Odd that it didn't work. But maybe not holding hands or talking about the journey did it. 

But I don't think the crystals and incense will work on this guy. You know what i think will? Hand him divorce papers and watch the magic happen. THAT will get his attention. In a big way. He has NO IDEA how far gone you are. Use it to your advantage. Crash his world.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

unhappy2000 said:


> I have been married for 14 years. For the past three I have been telling my husband that I am lonely. I am lonely because of the lack of intimacy and lack of emotional connectedness with my husband.
> 
> He doesn't want to talk or have conversations with me about much. It's only to discuss how was your day and whats for dinner, etc. It's very much surface level, operational talk.
> 
> ...



He needs to be woken up to what he is about to lose. Some men get lazy in a marriage and never once think of their wife springing divorce on them. They go along thinking all is well as long as they are fed, have clean underwear and sex (when the want it). Sounds like your H really doesn't know what to do or doesn't care enough to find out.
You have to confront him about this and tell him how you feel, your loneliness, lack of togetherness, intimacy. Did you ever turn him down for sex?
You can try MC if not give him divorce papers. 
If you continue like this you will be miserable. You might consider starting the 180 on him, no laundry, no cooking, no nothing, He has to be jolted out of his stupor.

if he doesn't care enough to act then you know what to do.

PS read about walkaway wives


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

aine said:


> PS read about walkaway wives


She can't. There is no literature on it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There is, though maybe not peer reviewed academic lit. 
Look up Physcology today and various marriage websites


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

aine said:


> There is, though maybe not peer reviewed academic lit.
> Look up Physcology today and various marriage websites


OK. I will do just that. Thanks.


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## unhappy2000 (Mar 17, 2016)

Thank you all. I know what I want to do, but feel like a horrible person for even considering it. Crying right now. Emotional pain is as painful as physical pain. It kills me that I can't do anything else. I will take it day by day. I will co-exist. I will sleep in the other room. (I have ordered a bed from Wayfair.com LOL) Thank you all for your responses. Writing about it helps.


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## unhappy2000 (Mar 17, 2016)

No I haven't done these things. Sex is every three months so I accept. Now I just don't even want to be near him, to be honest. Not keeping the house clean is something that just punishes me and our daughter I suppose. I think it is a good point. I thank you for your advice. I will try to stop doing the usual things. Most I have stopped already, without any reaction. Thanks!


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> > There is, though maybe not peer reviewed academic lit.
> ...


What about Weiner-Davis? Have you looked at her work on youtube and her books? I think I remember her book having a few pages on walk away wives.


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

Also OP and McCoy 

If someone is interested go to the bottom of this link and their are articles that may be helpful.


http://m.divorcebusting.com/?url=http://divorcebusting.com/&utm_referrer=#2721


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## unhappy2000 (Mar 17, 2016)

I watched the Walk Away Wife. It explains everything! It is very accurate. I guess before I walk away, so much is really up to him. Thanks everyone!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It took my wife many years to see what she was doing. She has admitted to taking our marriage and myself for granted. She has been trying to make up for it over the past few years, I just find it hard to get pass all the times I tried to do date night or a weekend get away and always told no or my parents never did that. So I know how and why you feel numm inside, feeling the same. We do have our good days and bad. Our youngest starts high school this fall so will work on things as we can till he graduates. We should have more time just for the two of us then. We will see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Men know what a walk away wife is. Once experienced you will never forget. If you're at that point, there is nothing your husband can do to fix it. Walk away, destroy the family, give up. Think only of yourself and let everyone else pick up the pieces.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

My first thought after reading your post is why is this guy sleeping so much? Boredom? Depression? Thyroid? Diabetes? Low testosterone? 
When was the last time he had a physical? Including blood work?
Just another thought to your problem.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Have you gone to therapy?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> My first thought after reading your post is why is this guy sleeping so much? Boredom? Depression? Thyroid? Diabetes? Low testosterone?
> When was the last time he had a physical? Including blood work?
> Just another thought to your problem.


I agree - this might be a problem. But so is his lack of interest in having a real conversation about anything. He's OK with status quo.

First off, your daughter is learning what a good marriage is. Perfunctionary. Set her expectations higher than that. 

Arrange for her to go somewhere so you have some real time for a conversation. Start off with something like "after years of trying to discuss these issues with you, I came to an impass and consulted a divorce attorney" because if THAT doesn't get his attention, nothing does. And go from there. Ask him if he's unhappy, too. Have a goal in mind for the result of this conversation. A) agree to an amicable divorce; or B) he must get a full physical complete with thyroid and testosterone workup and follow any advice from the doctors; he must agree to marriage counseling for at least X months; he must agree to spending one evening as a date night (choose something that will give you more to discuss than "did you like it? good") at a frequency you can both live with and he must agree to non-sexual physical touching for a certain amount each week - snuggle in front of TV or in bed, hug tightly 3x a day, hold hands while shopping or taking an after dinner walk - something that will start the physical reconnection but it has to be doable for him and enough for you. And you can revisit divorce if these things don't work to restore a connection.

Yes, you deserve more. On the other hand, passion CAN be rekindled if you had it before. If divorce becomes the answer, you can feel better about it if you've exhausted attempts to repair.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Perfect post.... love it E.W.


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## yellerstang03 (Nov 18, 2015)

unhappy2000 said:


> It is amazing to me how your spouse can make you feel. They can really break you down, without even truly realizing how much because they don't want to make a few small changes and/or they don't want to talk it out.
> I feel selfish because I expect these things. Maybe I'm suppose to conform to this lifestyle and I can't stop that guilty feeling for not wanting to accept reality anymore.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


I read your whole post and I'm sorry you are going through this. Marriage is difficult but it is worth it. I do want to call attention to to the above paragraph. You are 100% responsible for your own feelings, not anyone else and especially not your husband. People should not be able to "control" how you feel, and if you let them, it will only make you resentful, angry, and want to give up. I totally get it, it's an easy mistake to make.....especially if we are not taught this as children. 

Focus on yourself....its the only thing you can really control. Where or how were you taught that other people can control how you feel?


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## Missmousedancemom (Mar 23, 2016)

I feel your pain......I'm in the same situation


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Is there a reason why he is sleeping so much? My first thoughts were depression or a medical illness that causes fatigue. Has he seen a doctor about this? To answer your question though, no I do not think you are selfish. It is not like you are leaving him for someone more fun or intimate. I can understand why you feel the way that you do and your happiness is just as important as his. Have you two tried marriage counseling? Do you think he would benefit from individual counseling?


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