# Momma’s boy



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We married young (19 & 20) and lived next door to his parents for the first 2 years of marriage. 

His parents, his mom in particular, were very controlling of him. Treated him like he was a teenager even after we were married. It almost felt like we were camping in their backyard instead of living in our own home. I remember one Saturday his mom called and told my husband that he should mow our yard since he was off work and he told her that he would later because we were watching a movie together and she started to argue with him. He got off the phone and we kept watching the movie...only to have her walk over and disconnect our satellite. There was always little stuff like that. We were also expected to go it to eat with them on Friday and Saturday nights and then come over for dinner on Sunday. So our whole weekends were spent with them. I was young and didn’t really know how to say no at first and my husband seemed content to do whatever they said. When I finally did tell my husband that we needed to cut back and I wanted some date nights without them, they got very upset. His dad yelled saying that we were married and spent enough time together. His mom cried and said that I was taking him away from his family. All because I asked that Friday nights be date nights without them! Lol. 

Things did slowly get better the more I stood up for myself. It even helped my husband to see how unhealthy things were and he started standing up to them himself. It still took several years to unfasten those hooks. His dad was a long distance truck driver and would be gone for a week. Several times during these weeks his mom would call our house late at night and complain about hearing a strange noise or feeling sick and ask my husband to come spend the night with her...and he would. He’d leave me in bed alone and go over there and sleep in her bed with her. (That’s freakign weird, right???) 
That made me really uncomfortable. One night when I was pregnant with our first baby she called and asked him to come spend the night and he told her no because he didn’t want to leave me and after that she finally quit calling. (The birth of or first baby was another drama filled story with her but this is already too long.)

So again, things were slowly getting better. Eventually we stopped seeing them every weekend even though we still live in the same town about 5 minutes away. We were even on sort of limited contact because his dad was verbally abusive and made fun of everyone and I didn’t want my kids around him. So things were pretty smooth and felt more normal....

Then his dad died in October. Of course everything was crazy at first. I didn’t mind. Husband was spending a lot of time with his mom and helping out with things. Again, I encouraged it and was fine with it under the circumstances. But now I’m starting to get worried that we are backsliding. His mom is still very respectful of me (at least to my face) but she’s started calling my husband several times a day. Just to see how his day went, tell him about something on tv. Every single time one of them has to go to the store or anything, they call each other to go together. Like if my husband needs to pick up bread he’ll call her and see if she needs anything and wants to go with him and then he’ll be gone for over an hour grocery shopping with her. Honestly, it doesn’t really effect me much accept for just making me cringe. It’s also embarrassing because we live in a small town and people who know me occasionally make little comments about his “other woman”. I’m worried that things will slowly go back to how they were when I was practically sharing my husband. 

Should I say something? Or just keep swallowing my vomit like I’ve been doing? Am I overreacting? Is this just normal behavior since his dad died 4 months ago?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

LeananSidhe said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We married young (19 & 20) and lived next door to his parents for the first 2 years of marriage.
> 
> His parents, his mom in particular, were very controlling of him. Treated him like he was a teenager even after we were married. It almost felt like we were camping in their backyard instead of living in our own home. I remember one Saturday his mom called and told my husband that he should mow our yard since he was off work and he told her that he would later because we were watching a movie together and she started to argue with him. He got off the phone and we kept watching the movie...only to have her walk over and disconnect our satellite. There was always little stuff like that. We were also expected to go it to eat with them on Friday and Saturday nights and then come over for dinner on Sunday. So our whole weekends were spent with them. I was young and didn’t really know how to say no at first and my husband seemed content to do whatever they said. When I finally did tell my husband that we needed to cut back and I wanted some date nights without them, they got very upset. His dad yelled saying that we were married and spent enough time together. His mom cried and said that I was taking him away from his family. All because I asked that Friday nights be date nights without them! Lol.
> 
> ...


*No! You have every single right to be concerned!

In order to save what marriage you've got left, you both need to consider moving far, far away from there giving her the line, "Don't bother calling us, we'll call you!"*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a tough one. The die has been set. The pattern stamped onto the marriage.Your husband is a nice guy. Too nice, too complying.
And not likely to change.

Your' only hope is to be his new mommy. Be his new female bully. Push him into doing what you want. He is plastic.

You have an advantage. You get to sleep with him and manage his sexual needs. She does not. 

Use these two levers; push him to meet your needs, keep him sexually satisfied. 

Pit his hard little head against his soft big head.

On one hand your are firm with him, demanding he toe the line. On the other hand you reward him in the bedroom. Do a bang up job in the bedroom.

Make this your' new mission. He will not know what hit him.
.................................................................................................................

The end game?

Buy a new house far from Momma, maybe in another state. 
Maybe you can get a job in another state, one with a nice climate, or better climate than the one you have.
Force the wuss to do your' bidding.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I take it that your husband is an only child. Is that correct?

Does your MIL have any other relatives or friends who she can do things with?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Emotional incest. 

Dad wasn't around much, so mom leaned on her son to fill the emotional intimacy hole that was left. Dad dies, and that emotional bond gets amplified ten-fold. It's a sick dynamic and it never ends well. It will take a lot for him to stand up to her. If he is serious about your marriage, he needs to cut her out. He won't. He's very much emotionally stunted. Her guilt trips and unhealthy behavior will keep him tethered to her. You will never be good enough for her or for him. 

The "absent father, over-attached mother" phenomenon is one I see WAAAY too often.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You have an advantage. You get to sleep with him and manage his sexual needs. She does not.
> 
> Use these two levers; push him to meet your needs, keep him sexually satisfied.
> 
> ...


It’s funny that you would say this. When we first got married I was pretty HD and we had sex all the time. Then after we started having kids my drive dipped down. We think it had to do with hormonal birth control. It got really bad last year while I was on the depo shot and I pretty much hated sex. I recognized that there was a problem and quit the shot in July. It’s been a really slow process but my body is finally going back to normal and I’m feeling so much better. There’s been a huge difference just within the last 2 weeks. 

We have had sex 9 times in 6 days! And you know what? Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t remember him spending time with her during those 6 days. He was too busy. Hmmm... He has asked for a sex timeout for a few days so we’ll see. 
Wait...actually he did go over there for something Friday night but then I texted him a dirty video and he came right home.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I take it that your husband is an only child. Is that correct?
> 
> Does your MIL have any other relatives or friends who she can do things with?


He has an older sister. His mom and sister talk frequently but his sister lives further away so it’s not as bad for her. But even when she lived closer my husband was still the first one she called. 

She has an adult granddaughter who lives nearby and they spend A LOT of time together. If my husband isn’t available then mother in law calls her. That’s the only family she has nearby though. Her mom and brother live several hundred miles away. I’ve been hinting around that maybe she’d like to move up there to be with them but right now she won’t even visit. It’s ridiculous because her mom broke her hip and can’t travel but mother in law keeps saying that she wishes she could come down here. I told my husband that she should fly up there but he said she won’t...but she’s mentioned him driving her up there for a visit. Nope. Nope. Nope.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

dadstartingover said:


> Emotional incest.
> 
> Dad wasn't around much, so mom leaned on her son to fill the emotional intimacy hole that was left. Dad dies, and that emotional bond gets amplified ten-fold. It's a sick dynamic and it never ends well. It will take a lot for him to stand up to her. If he is serious about your marriage, he needs to cut her out. He won't. He's very much emotionally stunted. Her guilt trips and unhealthy behavior will keep him tethered to her. You will never be good enough for her or for him.
> 
> The "absent father, over-attached mother" phenomenon is one I see WAAAY too often.


I agree with some of this. I do think it’s emotional incest. I’ve read about it and they can check off several boxes. 

He is absolutely serious about our marriage. He adores me and will always pick me over her. That’s not a problem anymore. 
The biggest issue I have is how to approach him about it. In the past there were things that directly effected me (him spending the night over there, us going out every weekend with them) so it was easy to tell him that I wasn’t ok with it and he always respected that. Right now it’s not effecting me (except being annoying and weird). He’s not really taking time away from me and the kids. In his mind, he’s going to to store anyway so why not pick her up to go with him? I understand that...but I feel like with their history it’s not a good idea. I just don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a ***** because his dad recently died.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I agree with DadStartingOver. This is emotional incest. Unfortunately, my wife's sister married a man like this with disastrous consequences. I marched in the wedding. I struck up a friendship with the groom's half brother. He told me that the groom spent most of his childhood and adolescence being a virtual husband to his mommy. They spoke to one another like lovers. She made my sister in law's short life with her husband a living hell. She was told that following the reception, they were going on a honeymoon. She gave him money for the air and hotel. He pulls a fast one, no, they are not going for a week, mommy wanted to go over the gifts first, and bank the money. Then, the honeymoon was supposed to be a week, until mommy called, and was lonely for her boy. They flew home five hours later, cutting the honeymoon to four days. She was berated, and belittled. She was told that she was there on borrowed time. She sunk into a horrible funk. (No wonder). Two weeks of depression, and mommy ordered her removed from their home. He dumped her on her parents' driveway. He tells my FIL that the wedding presents belong to him now, and he was initiating divorce. Three weeks later, she made her first suicide attempt. We reluctantly put her into care. She escaped. She was drugged up and jumped in front of a moving vehicle. It left her severely handicapped for the rest of her life. It also left her permanently mentally impaired. 

When his mommy died, there were people at the funeral that said he was inconsolable, and he died a year later. I find it difficult not to damn him and his mommy to hell. I try to be a better person than that. Sometimes I fail.

LeananSidhe. Momma's boys are not husbands. They cannot be. They are emotionally tethered to mommy and cannot be a husband. Get far far away. If you can crowbar him out of your town and across the country you might have an even chance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that your MIL is a piece of work and not good for your marriage, but....

It's only been a few months since her husband died.

When i think of the way it was with my mother before she died in 2005, there are some similarities. My mom had 8 children. She called each one of us at least once a day, sometimes more. It never bothered any of us. If I was busy, I'd just either not pick up or just tell her that I was busy. The phone calls were not disruptive since I could talk on the phone and do what I was doing at the same time.

I don't really see why it's a probelm with your husband taking her to the store with him when he goes. Though he probably should do this less often now that some months have passed since her husband died.

Have you talked to your MIL about her visiting her mom and brother? I wonder if you could encourage her to fly up there and make it sound like an adventure... get her enthused about it. Maybe if both you and your husband work on her to do this it might happen.

It sounds like your MIL has no friends. Maybe it's also time for you and your husband to encourage her to get some. What are the kinds of things she likes to do?

Does your MIL have a car and drive?

How old is your MIL?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> It’s funny that you would say this. When we first got married I was pretty HD and we had sex all the time. Then after we started having kids my drive dipped down. We think it had to do with hormonal birth control. It got really bad last year while I was on the depo shot and I pretty much hated sex. I recognized that there was a problem and quit the shot in July. It’s been a really slow process but my body is finally going back to normal and I’m feeling so much better. There’s been a huge difference just within the last 2 weeks.
> 
> We have had sex 9 times in 6 days! And you know what? Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t remember him spending time with her during those 6 days. He was too busy. Hmmm... He has asked for a sex timeout for a few days so we’ll see.
> Wait...actually he did go over there for something Friday night but then I texted him a dirty video and he came right home.


Great!!

This made my day!
Ladies have more power than they think. Use it wisely.



SunCMars-
Lilith- a joint post.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that your MIL is a piece of work and not good for your marriage, but....
> 
> It's only been a few months since her husband died.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is pretty much what I’ve been thinking. I feel like the past issues I’ve had with her (which were a big deal) are influencing how I feel about things now. 

She has no friends. None. She used to be friendly with some coworkers but she had to retire due to health problems a couple years ago and has lost contact. 
She doesn’t really have any interests. The past 40 years were all about whatever her husband wanted. She used to be into aquariums before she got married so we bought her a little one for Christmas. That won’t help her meet people though. I have no idea how to get her out to meet friends. We live in a small town. 
She has a car and drives. She’s 65. 

I’ve brought up her going to visit her family several times. She doesn’t want to fly. She keeps saying that if she flies then she won’t have a vehicle to drive while she’s there and will have to rely on her brother...but she’s not the type to actually go anywhere on her own so that seems like an excuse. She keeps saying that she wishes her mother could come here but her mother recently broke her hip and can’t travel. She has hinted that she’d like my husband to drive her up there for a visit but I’m not comfortable with that (it’s 16 hours away). And I just realized that even if my husband drove her up there she still wouldn’t have a vehicle so...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> He has an older sister. His mom and sister talk frequently but his sister lives further away so it’s not as bad for her. But even when she lived closer my husband was still the first one she called.
> 
> She has an adult granddaughter who lives nearby and they spend A LOT of time together. If my husband isn’t available then mother in law calls her. That’s the only family she has nearby though. Her mom and brother live several hundred miles away. I’ve been hinting around that maybe she’d like to move up there to be with them but right now she won’t even visit. It’s ridiculous because her mom broke her hip and can’t travel but mother in law keeps saying that she wishes she could come down here. I told my husband that she should fly up there but he said she won’t...but she’s mentioned him driving her up there for a visit. Nope. Nope. Nope.


Emotional incest? 

Leanasidhe, as my father became more dependent on help my mother would call on my sister and BIL to help as they were 30 minutes away. I would get the calls as well but for different things. I lived 1 hour away. The calls for fixing this and that got tedious. The calls to drive her here and there got tedious(even though my father could drive she would call to have me drive them). Eventually my father passed. My mother would interject herself into my sisters weekend...EVERY weekend. It was getting quite bad for my sister. We offered up ideas to join the church, book club...something to find as a hobby to spend her time. Our mothers hobby became her kids. It was very hard to deal with and keep a marriage. I understand where you are coming form. This went on for 1 1/2 years after our fathers death. One Saturday afternoon, a planned visit for my sister and BIL, our mother was found dead on the kitchen floor. 

Us as siblings attempted our best to be there for our mother. It is very trying as there is numerous ways to make contact these days. Email, land line, cell and text. 

I can only offer setting some boundaries. Advising your H he will need to put on his big boy pants and set these boundaries with his mother. MIL needs to find a hobby other than her son. Join a church group, book club and the like. MIL will cry and advise she feel like she is being abandoned. The "All I have done for you" speech will crop up. Advise MIL that you do have a life outside of being the family entertainment, fixer and comforter. Advise MIL that you both can not be there at a drop of a hat. Things need to be fixed, repaired or comforted by her own means from time to time. If she says she feels alone...offer up a Life Alert. My BIL offered up a Life Alert to my mother. She declined. After finding her dead on the kitchen floor...it is quite possible the Life Alert could have saved her life. We will never know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LeananSidhe said:


> Thank you. This is pretty much what I’ve been thinking. I feel like the past issues I’ve had with her (which were a big deal) are influencing how I feel about things now.
> 
> She has no friends. None. She used to be friendly with some coworkers but she had to retire due to health problems a couple years ago and has lost contact.
> She doesn’t really have any interests. The past 40 years were all about whatever her husband wanted. She used to be into aquariums before she got married so we bought her a little one for Christmas. That won’t help her meet people though. I have no idea how to get her out to meet friends. We live in a small town.
> ...


If your husband drives her there, she will have a vehicle and a driver.. your husband. So that would work out great for her.

Can she rent a car when she gets there?

Check out meetup.com It's not a dating site. Instead it's a site where people post meetups... for things that they like to do. Even though you live in a small town, there might be some that your MIL might enjoy. You and your husband could go with her a couple of times so she can meet people. Then hopefully she'll make some friends and start getting a life.

It's easy to be very annoyed with someone who is so overbearing. But sometimes, those people just need for someone to care enough about them to give them the push to re-start their lives. It sounds like your FIL consumed her life and now he's gone. So she needs something else.

Other ideas, could she volunteer at a hospital or other organization. Like here there is a place that I used to volunteer, it's an organization that helped children who are victims of abuse. They provided counseling and had live-in facilities for the children who had to be removed from their homes.

Does she like to garden? Is there a Master Gardener program where you live? I joined the one here last year. I returned in Jan 2016 and had to make a lot of changes. One of them was I needed something to get me out of the house. I love to garden. So I joined the local Master Gardener program. It's mostly retired people, but very active retired folks. If she might be interested in could give you more info. You say that your MIL has health issues. Health issues do not stop these folks.. we have a few members who use walkers, one on oxygen 24/7. But they are all out there working in the community. This is not just some silly garden group. For example, one of our projects is called Seed2Need. We have a few gardens that grow veggies to donate to the local food banks. For the last few years we have donated about 30,000-40,000 lbs of veggies a year. And that's just one of our projects. Just about every state has a Master Gardener program through a local land grant university. If your MIL might be interested, let me know and I'll get you some info.

By the way, I'm 68 so I have an idea of how it gets harder to get out and rebuild a life when someone is older. Your MIL needs to be encouraged to get out there and get a life.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

To be honest your hubby sounds like a good guy. I woudn't call him a "mama's boy" just because he helps is mom. To me a momma's boy is someone who relies on his mother for everything. He might be "too nice", which can be an issue and perhaps it's something he needs to work on with your help. However there are plenty of real spouse horror stories on this site so overall I woudn't be too upset.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> If your husband drives her there, she will have a vehicle and a driver.. your husband. So that would work out great for her.
> 
> Can she rent a car when she gets there?
> 
> ...


If she went up there it would be at least a week long visit and probably longer so she wouldn’t have my husband and his car there. He’d have to just drive her there and drop her off because he definitely wouldn’t take off work or leave us that long. He went up there several years ago for his aunt’s funeral and left straight after to drive all night to get back to us. He’s a big family man and his upset thinking about spending more than a day away from us. Maybe his mom is hoping that he’ll spend the week up there with her, I don’t know. 

She has no interests. She doesn’t read, garden, go to church, travel...I can’t imagine her volunteering anywhere. Her life revolves around her kids and grandkids and that’s it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> She has no interests. She doesn’t read, garden, go to church, travel...I can’t imagine her volunteering anywhere. Her life revolves around her kids and grandkids and that’s it.



That is a tough row to hoe. Our mother's life revolved around her H. They did a lot together. Once my father passed the new direction was the kids/grandkids. There is not a definitive answer to the problem I'm afraid. It may come to the point of laying it out on the table with the MIL. What other avenue is there? When my sister and I were up against this we did not have a definitive answer at the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LeananSidhe said:


> If she went up there it would be at least a week long visit and probably longer so she wouldn’t have my husband and his car there. He’d have to just drive her there and drop her off because he definitely wouldn’t take off work or leave us that long. He went up there several years ago for his aunt’s funeral and left straight after to drive all night to get back to us. He’s a big family man and his upset thinking about spending more than a day away from us. Maybe his mom is hoping that he’ll spend the week up there with her, I don’t know.


Of course she's thinking that he would spend the week up there with her and drive her around. But there are alternatives. Maybe get her daughter, brother and mother to work with her. She could fly or take a bus or a train. She could rent a car while there or use Uber.



LeananSidhe said:


> She has no interests. She doesn’t read, garden, go to church, travel...I can’t imagine her volunteering anywhere. Her life revolves around her kids and grandkids and that’s it.


You have a choice here... just put up with this and stay away from her as much as you can or work on encouraging her to change now that she does not have her husband to consume her life.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> To be honest your hubby sounds like a good guy. I woudn't call him a "mama's boy" just because he helps is mom. To me a momma's boy is someone who relies on his mother for everything. He might be "too nice", which can be an issue and perhaps it's something he needs to work on with your help. However there are plenty of real spouse horror stories on this site so overall I woudn't be too upset.


He is! I almost regret posting this because I don’t like that it puts him in a bad light. He’s amazing. He’s a wonderful father and a thoughtful, caring husband. He’s funny and smart. It’s been 15 years and I still light up when he walks in the room. We have a very happy marriage.

I know that his relationship with his mom was unhealthy years ago but things got better and boundaries were put in place. It’s just now I’m worried that those boundaries might be slowly being encroached on.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > If she went up there it would be at least a week long visit and probably longer so she wouldn’t have my husband and his car there. He’d have to just drive her there and drop her off because he definitely wouldn’t take off work or leave us that long. He went up there several years ago for his aunt’s funeral and left straight after to drive all night to get back to us. He’s a big family man and his upset thinking about spending more than a day away from us. Maybe his mom is hoping that he’ll spend the week up there with her, I don’t know.
> ...


I would honestly love to help encourage her to get out and live her life. I’m just at a loss on how to do that. I feel like she was somehow more independent when her husband was alive. When he was alive she took care of him and did everything herself because he was helpless (their whole marriage...). Now she can barely go to the grocery store by herself.

I don’t hate her. I even like her under normal circumstances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LeananSidhe said:


> I would honestly love to help encourage her to get out and live her life. I’m just at a loss on how to do that. I feel like she was somehow more independent when her husband was alive. When he was alive she took care of him and did everything herself because he was helpless (their whole marriage...). Now she can barely go to the grocery store by herself.
> 
> I don’t hate her. I even like her under normal circumstances.


Her husband died 3.5 months ago. She's most likely struggling now to just keep out of a deep depression. Or maybe she is in a deep depression. It takes months, a year or two, to process the loss of a spouse. 

One way to encourage her to do things is to take her out to do things that might interest her; things where she would meet more people her own age.

Also, now that your FIL is not around to be so negative, could you let her spend more time with your children? Maybe she needs to have someone to take care of once in a while.

How about a dog? Would she like a pet?

You don't have to solve her life for her. I'm not suggesting that. Instead I'm suggesting giving her a push.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Her husband died 3.5 months ago. She's most likely struggling now to just keep out of a deep depression. Or maybe she is in a deep depression. It takes months, a year or two, to process the loss of a spouse.
> 
> One way to encourage her to do things is to take her out to do things that might interest her; things where she would meet more people her own age.
> 
> ...



On board with EleGirl here. Usually am. Anyway, my mother suffered depression month afterwards and was prescribed antidepressants. My mother also spent her time dismantling an entire life with my father. The entire home was rid of things not needed. Donated what she could. She scheduled repairs that needed to be done. Our mother needed a push to keep pushing on with a sense of self outside the family.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I would honestly love to help encourage her to get out and live her life. I’m just at a loss on how to do that. I feel like she was somehow more independent when her husband was alive. When he was alive she took care of him and did everything herself because he was helpless (their whole marriage...). Now she can barely go to the grocery store by herself.
> ...


We do let her spend more time with our children. We come over and make dinner once a week and she sees our kids at least once during the weekend usually. They’ve even spent the night twice since FIL died. That was a big no when he was alive. 

Our kids aren’t the only grandkids though. Her adult granddaughter has 2 boys. The oldest one is always with her (he’s 4). He spends several nights a week over there and she sees him every day. Honestly...I don’t think it’s a good thing but he’s not my kid. 

We’ve mentioned her getting a dog but she’s turned it down. I think she’d like one but FIL didn’t like them so she’s just against the idea out of habit. We can’t force a pet on her though. We did buy her a little aquarium but that barely counts.


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