# 20 years ship passing in the night



## PeteDavis (Feb 10, 2020)

I am a 40-year-old or manI am a 40-year-old or man who has been married for about 20 years. I may have gotten married just so I wouldn’t be alone. God that sounds awful. I think I loved her, I think I still do even if I don’t like her much of the time. I have a tendency to go on a rant. When you’re into our marriage we had a baby boy and six months after that I was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the frontal lobe. There was not much of a honeymoon period and she really had to step up. She says I was easy going and more for with the flow before the surgery and chemo. I was getting ready for a more stable job. I became a stay at home dad. I have wonderful memories of taking care of my son (he’s 19 now). He was such a beautiful boy. So innocent.
I had a hard time being a stay at home dad and was ashamed about it. Fast forward a few years and we had a daughter. She was my baby although now we are distant. She’s 15 with emotional problems and came out as gay. I wonder if I had something to do with that. She had me and her Mom traveled a whole lot. She didn’t have a soft feminine influence. I guess the reason doesn’t matter now. That’s a whole new discussion I don’t care on having. In 09 I had a recurrence of a anaplatic Oligodendroglioma in the frontal lobe with chemo and radiation after surgery. My wife still had do you know of both parents as man and wife. The second surgery changed me not a good way. My memory and ability to process information has gone to ****. It has taken my motivation. Are used to be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I also am unsure how to connect with people including my wife. We always seemed to be in crisis mode. Have not had sex in maybe two years at least. I gave up porn but don’t really have the urge. We are both fat now but it’s not about that. It’s about trust and I don’t think she has it with me or opening herself up. I’m sure she will be devastated if I cannot perform We are both on Zoloft so that doesn’t help. I’m not sure if I’m asking a question or just say my peace. I think I have gotten used to the isolation. We have a ways to go


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why don't you sit down with your wife and talk to her. Ask her if she's interested in resuming sex and if she says she is, then say what you said here about you have some worries that you won't be able to perform but that you want to try to work through it. 

I'm wondering how much of her crisis mode is because you are less engaged then you might have once been because of the injury. As far as her being in crisis mode for whatever reason, why don't you also ask her what you can do because that you've noticed she seems to always be in crisis or however you want to put it. Ask her if there's something you can do and take off her plate that would help that..


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hey bud, sorry to hear of the health issues, that's tough. Look if you do love your wife, find a way to communicate with her openly. Maybe a marriage counselor? It's so important more than ever in our busy world to slow down and talk to one another. If you both really love each other honesty and communication are the key to a relationship. Let her in on your guilt shame and pain at not being the "make" you feel you should have been. Listen to her pain, anger and yes...resentment at taking on that role. No guilting, true understanding. Share your love for each other and trust each other. Regain each other's respect. But always be honest and be able to take as well as give.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Hey bud, sorry to hear of the health issues, that's tough. Look if you do love your wife, find a way to communicate with her openly. Maybe a marriage counselor? It's so important more than ever in our busy world to slow down and talk to one another. If you both really love each other honesty and communication are the key to a relationship. Let her in on your guilt shame and pain at not being the "make" you feel you should have been. Listen to her pain, anger and yes...resentment at taking on that role. No guilting, true understanding. Share your love for each other and trust each other. Regain each other's respect. But always be honest and be able to take as well as give.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hi and thanks for the feed back. We are recovering counceling. I've been in therapy for 4 years now and it's helped amazingly well to understand myself and my issues. I've owned my years of emotional crap and have now started taking back the pain I caused her. Yes no accusing or threats. I sit and take my medicine, she has every right to vent. We have now started to understand what real communication is.its been like night and day for us already. She really is trying back with me as we both love adore each other and want nothing more than to see each other over the rainbow at the end she is starting to regain trust in sharing her feeling and believing I won't "soul rape" her we are learning how to be a normal real couple finally


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