# BDSM Questions



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hello, 

I have some BDSM questions. What's in it for the guy? It seems like the woman, or submissive, gets all the action, and the guy does all the stuff to the woman. Is the thrill for the guy in giving and not getting, til the very end with sex, or somewhere in there with a BJ? I, like a lot of woman, have gotten caught up in the whole Fifty Shades phenomenom, then I became obsessed with more similar books. Is it just these books, or it's true that with BDSM it's the woman gets all the attention? 

Finding these books was a great discovery for me, even better than the discovery I made when I was 13. I was looking for a report card from a prior year and was digging through my mom's night table and discovered at least half a dozen sex digests. I learned everything about sex from those books and was most turned on by the BDSM. Those stories fueled my fantasies til about a year ago when I read the 50 Shades Books and so many other books BDSM erotica books that I didn't even know existed. Of course, without my Kindle, I couldn't have read them anyhow.

If you want to try some non-vanilla BDSM sex with your husband, doesn't it take two to tango? What if the guy just isn't into it? If my husband said to me that he'd like to try B/D and he's the submissive, I don't know how I could raise a hand to him, or cause any pain at all, even though I know it's pleasure/pain. I know it's more than that - blindfolding, orgasm denial, domination, not just spanking.

I was curious about women being dominant to see what the reverse is like and read a book and I was more horrified than turned on (I know there are different levels of BDSM and maybe this was more SM than BD). Anal sex for a guy and electric shocking the balls? Well it didn't turn me on at all and I don't see how a guy would like that, so if I feel this way, wouldn't my kind, wouldn't hurt a fly husband, feel the same way if I asked him to do stuff to me?

I guess I just can't imagine asking for this.

How do you do this with kids in the house - 2 across the hallway 3' away, and one down the hall? I'd guess there's lots of moaning and screaming orgasms (yeah, in my dreams...).

So my question is, what's the turn on for the guy and how do you introduce this into a totally vanilla marriage?

Thanks all. I'm glad I found this forum. I've had so many questions for so long....


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wait until the kids are asleep? One book is not going to show the entire spectrum of BDSM. There are lots of other things that can be done that don't involve pain. 
You could start out with really light bondage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Not all BDSM has to be loud, just like regular sex doesn't have to be loud. For men, who very often have to take charge and be in control of so much in a marriage and at work, it can be sexually exciting to turn over all control in the bedroom to a woman down to allowing her to control when, where and how they orgasm. 

It sounds like what you read about is more on the extreme (electric shock). Many men like some anal play as there is some prostate stimulation in that region (either externally by applying pressure to the area between their testicles and anus or internally) so that isn't quite as extreme.

If this is something you'd like to do, start a conversation. You could send him a detailed email, maybe quoting a passage from the book that you'd like to try.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have some BDSM questions. What's in it for the guy? It seems like the woman, or submissive, gets all the action, and the guy does all the stuff to the woman. Is the thrill for the guy in giving and not getting, til the very end with sex, or somewhere in there with a BJ? I, like a lot of woman, have gotten caught up in the whole Fifty Shades phenomenom, then I became obsessed with more similar books. Is it just these books, or it's true that with BDSM it's the woman gets all the attention?


You are correct that being in the dominant role is quite a lot of work. Also responsibility as you are entirely responsible for her emotional and physical safety. The pleasure comes mostly from being able to to create an extremely intense erotic experience and the intimacy that comes with that. I'm not sure I can really describe the type of pleasure you get from dominating someone, it's more psychological than anything, but very real. And yea, getting blowjobs on demand doesn't hurt.



> Finding these books was a great discovery for me, even better than the discovery I made when I was 13. I was looking for a report card from a prior year and was digging through my mom's night table and discovered at least half a dozen sex digests. I learned everything about sex from those books and was most turned on by the BDSM. Those stories fueled my fantasies til about a year ago when I read the 50 Shades Books and so many other books BDSM erotica books that I didn't even know existed. Of course, without my Kindle, I couldn't have read them anyhow.


My suggestion, if you haven't already, is to complement your reading with some authoritative literature produced by members of the real BDSM community. Fiction is great fuel for the imagination but there are a lot of practical matters to consider as you begin to act out those fantasies.



> If you want to try some non-vanilla BDSM sex with your husband, doesn't it take two to tango?


Absolutely.



> What if the guy just isn't into it? If my husband said to me that he'd like to try B/D and he's the submissive, I don't know how I could raise a hand to him, or cause any pain at all, even though I know it's pleasure/pain. I know it's more than that - blindfolding, orgasm denial, domination, not just spanking.


Best to give him some information to put a picture in his head of what you want. If he will read the FSOG series then great (but he should read more than just that as should you). If not maybe some BDSM videos. It will probably take some convincing because what you are asking him to do goes against all of his training about what women want from men. Try to have patience with him, it takes practice to be a good dom. Also remember that whatever he does to you makes him vulnerable as well. Part of the reason men don't hit women is because we don't want to go to jail. And the legal system does not really understand BDSM very well. 



> I was curious about women being dominant to see what the reverse is like and read a book and I was more horrified than turned on (I know there are different levels of BDSM and maybe this was more SM than BD). Anal sex for a guy and electric shocking the balls? Well it didn't turn me on at all and I don't see how a guy would like that, so if I feel this way, wouldn't my kind, wouldn't hurt a fly husband, feel the same way if I asked him to do stuff to me?
> 
> I guess I just can't imagine asking for this.


Well that's just because you are a submissive straight woman. So you want your partner to be man and for him to be in a dominant role. If you were wired differently then your response to those fantasies would be different as well.



> How do you do this with kids in the house - 2 across the hallway 3' away, and one down the hall? I'd guess there's lots of moaning and screaming orgasms (yeah, in my dreams...).


BDSM doesn't have to be loud. But if spanking is a major activity it probably will be. It is best to create a space where both of you can focus without interruptions or distractions. Maybe get a hotel room for the night. Also sex doesn't have to be at night. Our best time for this kind of play are weekend mornings. Maybe your kids have weekend afternoon activities where you could stay at home for a few hours?



> So my question is, what's the turn on for the guy and how do you introduce this into a totally vanilla marriage?


In the beginning you will probably have to tell him exactly what you want him to do to you. That might seem counter intuitive but it's probably going to be a better experience than you will get if you let him take full control right away. Also, I always tell people to introduce one new thing at a time. If you've never been blindfolded, then experiment with just that at first. Once you've done a successful session with the blindfold then you can add spanking while blindfolded, for example. Or handcuffs, or anything else. While you're fantasies might seem something like a "sex and submission" video, a little bit of reality goes a long way for most people in this arena.

Is your marriage in a place where you can ask your H to take on a new hobby, mostly for your benefit? BDSM clubs have classes for new doms or couples that you can take. Also, like I was saying he probably needs some role models or examples he can follow. He needs to get a picture in his head of what BDSM looks like, and also get an idea from you about activities you are most interested in. You can send him websites, articles etc... tumblr is really good for finding other people with similar tastes and sensibilities, and you can ask them questions. Also there are forums like this one entirely dedicated to BDSM topics.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

BDSM scares me. I like to go hard or go home and I have too much stress in my life not to f up a session. So I'm not sure what's in it for the dude.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

wow, thanks everyone. thanks for such a detailed response east2west. you gave me a lot to think about (which is where it will probably stay - in my head forever).


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Do you guys watch porn together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

no. we used to a long time ago, like in college, but that was over 25 years ago. that's an idea.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

One benefit to dominating someone is that it's a power trip. Even if a man has authority in other areas of his life, it's not often that his authority can become so nearly absolute that he can tie someone up and force them to do things.

Also, it's a turn on to know that your wife trusts you enough that she would put herself in such a vulnerable position.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Do you guys watch porn together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A coupe of really important things:

1. Keep in mind that a lot of BSDM literature aimed for women is entirely focused on the woman being the exclusive centre of all attention. She's the one being trained, but not trained to please her Dom, instead she is being trained entirely for her. What I mean, in these stories they tend to reduce the Dom to essentially a plot device to satisfy the woman's wants, and they ignore any and all pleasure and benefit to him.

This isnt at all realistic. In real life, the dom is there for his pleasure too. But in these books the Dom is lillie more than a living sex toy who's purpose is to serve the sub and take her to ever new heights of pleasure.

That's not the way it works in a successful relationship. Both Dom and sub need their fun and reward.

So if you do practice Ds, let your Dom take his pleasure along the way and don't be a selfish me me me who just wants to use the Dom to get herself off.

2. Be aware that in the books the Dom just does everything perfect for her, even it at the moment she's frieghtened, he always knows better than her and takes her to new heights. 

That s never going to be true in real experience. That's why communication is important. A lot of women have it their heads that the Dom will read their mind and just know everything. Sorry, real life doesn't work that way. You gotta communicate what you like, want, and do not ever want.

3. People in those books never seem to get tired, sleepy, cramped, or sore. Look, of your made to kneel on tile for a half hour, your going to hurt. If you've been giving oral for a while your going to be tired and sore. So please set your expectations accordingly and take into account that muscles, tendons, bones, etc do like to be respected and will complain to their owner if they are not treated properly.

4. I've often though it odd how doms are portrayed in female lit, versus dominatrixes. The Dom always seems to be a strong hard nan who knows just what the sub needs to ge given to truely fuffill her desires, and he controls her journey to self discovery and sexual bliss. Meanwhile Dominatixes are typically cod *****es who seem to hate the nen they are with, are out to tourcher and abuse the man, and if anything prevent him from sexual satisfaction.

The Dom always seems to love and cherish the sub woman , while the Dominatrix feels contempt and hostility to the man sub.

I often wonder if the Dominatrix stories arent actually written by/for lesbians with a real nasty attitude to men.

I think that it's a messed view. A Dominatrix can just a well be a strong dominate woman who's taking charge of the sex session with the mske sub, and she will guide and control both of them receiving and giving pleasure. 

----

If you want you guy to Dom for you my advice is:
1. Educate him on what elements of it turn you on. Remember this stuff if very much mental in your head stuff, do you need to educate him on what the mental stuff that you are into. Is it him being demanding and trust taking? Is it him keeping you in the dark about what's going to happen next?

2. Do not top from the bottom.

3. When he does something you like respond to it. This is super important at the beginning. Don't try for the super hard to break tough girl sub right off the bat, because only won't he know what you like, he also won't know how far to push you. Get to know one another's boundaries. Then later you can turn up the resistance and make him work to take you.

Be patient with each other and keep a positive attitude. This is insteaded to be fun, so have fun.

Start small and slowly grow your sessions.

For instance a first time might be him directing you in detail to dress for him and give you 15 min to get ready and be kneeling (on a pillow) in the bedroom with you hand at you side and being still and quiet.

Have him buy a nice crop. He should come on the room when your time is up and inspect you. If you speak, you get to feel the crop, if you've messed up the proscribed attire tou feel the crop.

When done with the inspection he should order you to please him.

If you do well, then he will please you next. If you don't then your punishment may be to stop the session, and say have to go around the house the next day without underwear, or perhaps wearing your most uncomfortable shoes. Basically sonething fun, and not too hash the first many times.

The rest you take from there....


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hey Shaggy, thanks for the detailed response. sounds like you know all about this. glad you set my mind straight on what's real and what isn't from these books. it didn't seem right that in all these books, it's so incredibly one-sided and the girl gets all the pleasure and the guy knows just exactly what to do and the guy gets almost squat in return. I didn't think that all his pleasure comes from giving pleasure. In other books, I can tell fiction from non-fiction, but wasn't sure in these books.

I'm a chicken, though. I feel almost so sure that it's not in my husband's nature to do this and be this way, and probably because it's taboo, that I will never say anything.

I have asked for and tried other new things, though, like anal sex. I think I might have enjoyed it more than regular sex. We've tried it three times. A few nights ago, I asked my husband if he wanted to have anal sex and he said, "only if we're near water," I said why? and he said that he just wants to be near water (i'm guessing he feels the need to wash up immediately and 10 feet from the bathroom is too far). So, since we do not have a hot tub and I can't imagine our standard shower is big enough, I guess we're through with that experiment that I really enjoyed.


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## ladynsniffer (Oct 19, 2012)

I have a long history of relationships as a very submissive male. Women, like men, have their likes and dislikes in sex. Some women enjoy having a very compliant male attending to their every need while other women are disgusted by submissive males and are turned on only by a "take charge" kind of guy.

I am not a masochist and I learned early on that some women are true sadists. It all depends on who you are and who your husband is. Some couples might "play" with BDSM to spice up their sex lives all the way to a dominant and demanding wife who enjoys her husband groveling at her feet.

The problem for couples is the likely mismatch in their attitude about sex. Lots of submissive men out there wishing their wives would take on a dominant role. Similarly, lots of dominant men who would be agahst if their wives tried to assert her power in their relationship. Sad that this isn't on the long list of qualities we look for in a mate.

This is not to say that when a dominant woman finds a submissive male, it is perfect. Over time, her power over him will inspire more and more submission to her will. He will become completely obediant and compliant. She will find this behavior in him as less and less attractive.

This, like any other aspect of marriage, takes work. When it comes to sex, do what sounds good and keep doing what feels good.

Marcus


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

thanks, marcus.


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## newprop1 (Nov 18, 2012)

Hate to piggy back, but east2west, or shaggy or anyone. Is it always necessary (or responsible) to prearrange with your wife/lover etc.. I'm just thinking of maybe giving my wife some instructions, like "make sure you are clean shaven when I get home, and pick me up from the airport without underwear on." Guess I'm thinking of maybe introducing these behaviors informally. Neither my wife nor I have done these things before. The idea stems from some game I use to play with her. I played a cop, she was handcuffed etc.. That was all impromptu, but my wife really seemed to like it. I recently even bought an under the bed restraint kit. I don't even know how to use it. As far as letting my wife know my intentions, I've not done that. Should I? I mean, she has seen the restraints... You think that’s enough? Sorry if I broken discussion board edict, I’m new at all this…


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

if your wife really seemed to like it, and you like it, you should be ALL OVER THIS!!! I really have no clue how to approach this, but, as someone who would like to try this, if you said to me, "we tried this a while ago and you seemed to like it, so I'd like to try it again and try more and different things. What do you say?"


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## newprop1 (Nov 18, 2012)

Guess your right! But, it’s such a mind-game situation. I'm not sure if I should really ask so much. That might ruin the thrill for her. I guess, we'll see how she reacts to an escalation of the cop game to something more restraining.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

newprop1 said:


> Guess your right! But, it’s such a mind-game situation. I'm not sure if I should really ask so much. That might ruin the thrill for her. I guess, we'll see how she reacts to an escalation of the cop game to something more restraining.


I think you should tell your wife what you are going to do to her. For two reasons. First, you get her consent, which you should always have in these situations. Second, giving her the opportunity to anticipate what you are going to do will make it more exciting for her not less. Just tell her what you are going to do the morning before. That way if she has concerns you can address them, but more importantly you will have her thinking about it and getting excited all day.


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## ladynsniffer (Oct 19, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> So my question is, what's the turn on for the guy and how do you introduce this into a totally vanilla marriage?


Hi again,

If you do not have a submissive or dominant mindset, you may never understand the "turn on" that can result from BDSM. For example, some males are gay, it's just a fact. Men turn on gay males sexually and women do not. Another example is doggy style penetration for women. The studies I've looked at show about half of women love it and the other half hate it. A marriage must work around the "likes" and "dislikes" of each partner.

I am a very submissive male. I learned early on that books and porn about dominant women turned me on more than anything. I fought this but could never overcome it. Eventually, I found a woman who accepted my submissive nature and I married her. She is dominant with me inside and outside the bedroom. Everyone sees me as the classic "hen pecked" husband who kisses his wife's ass at every opportunity. She is sadist as well but we have learned to temper this in her as she can really get in to it (far more than I can handle - but that's another story).

In any marriage, with proper communication, you can "spice" up your sex life with a blindfold or maybe tie your partner to the bed. For most folks, this is all that's desired. Neither one is particularly turned on by BDSM. Some won't even go beyond fantasizing. It is truly a difficult step to go from fantasy to reality. Only you and your husband can decide how far down this path you wish to go.

I've come to decide that men and women are born with certain attitudes towards sex. It is very difficult if not impossible to change these basic qualities. Certainly, childhood experiences will have a profound effect on our adult lives. But, if a woman, no matter how good she is at sex, tries to seduce a truly gay male, I just think he will not be turned on at all. There are exceptions, I am sure, but I suspect the woman would fail. My submissive attitude around woman is obvious and cannot be changed. I stopped fighting it a long time ago.

Marcus

Marcus


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