# Married 18+ years BIG PROBLEM I need advice Badly! I am the Husband!



## thatguyoverthere (Oct 1, 2016)

I will try to make this quick and simple. I work in the entertainment industry without saying who I am let's just say I am around and know lots of people worldwide who I work with on a daily basis be it web design, music, promotion, concerts etc: Here is my issue some of the women I work with are models and even if they are not they dress very provocative it is their job to do so being on magazines and all. Even the women who are not models dress in a way that shows they are strong feeling about how they look. Well my wife not so much. We will be shopping and "I am into fashion I love to shop" and I will say that looks great and she is like "i can't wear that blah blah people will think this or that" and I am like ok with a smile. Inside I am dieing because she looked great in that. To make matters worse I am a complete hornball. I literally think about sex tons, i want to have sex like at least 2 times per day, I enjoy being very open with sex meaning anywhere any time that excitement really turns me on. I prefer to satify her first ALWAYS I means I will be honest there are times when I am like oh no cant hold it and I am done but for themost part I make it a conscious effort to please her first. Now saying all of that we have sex 1 a week "maybe" its over in 30 minutes I am expected to work in this environment with women basically turning me on all day every day " I will note I am completely 1 million % monogamous I have kids I believe in a storng family but people ANYONE this is really causing a problem for me. I am a good father I believe I am a good husband we all have our faults I just want to be sexually pleased allot by the person that I love most. I cannot express myself like this to her it would hurt her feelings talking about other women turning me on but I mean I am sorry look at this equation > Man loves sex 2 times per day anywhere any time freaky is great + Models and women who dress very professional and sexy around this man - A wife who gives this man sex 1 time per week = A horny man walking around all the time slightly frustrated and wondering "if all of these other models and women want to have sex with me "I get hit on daily it comes with my job" in my job either you are loyal or you are divorced its as simple as that. I love my family we have 5 kids together i love my wife I really want to enjoy her more but I am at the ropes end people:

Frustrated, Confused, Man. Please help!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, you have a problem.

I am sure you can handle it yourself. If you catch my meaning?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do you think your wife is unaware that you are comparing her in your mind to all these other beautiful women and that she is coming up short? Of course she knows, and its screwing with her mind, guarantee you. 

How about trying to appreciate your wife on her own merits? Make an effort to show her that SHE is the one you love and the one you want. Otherwise, do her a favor and divorce her.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm sure it's a huge turn on for your wife that you get excited by lots of other women and then want sex from the warm body at home. 

I bet that's how she sees it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Some guys may like the "hey as long as she is taking out the horniness on me" attitude with their partners... not so much women.

You are in a business of objectifying, understandable from the eye-candy perspective of your market but most demeaning in many ways. Everyone appreciates beauty, but when you take it to such a personal level (desires not in check with self to a point your partner begins to resent it) then you have a problem that needs addressing yourself, but are making it a shared problem.

What can you change to make this better?

The choice is truly yours...


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm sure it's a huge turn on for your wife that you get excited by lots of other women and then want sex from the warm body at home.


 I guess you missed the part where he shops with her and try's to buy her sexy outfits that he thinks would look great on her, which shows that he does not see her as just a "warm body at home".


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TRy said:


> I guess you missed the part where he shops with her and try's to buy her sexy outfits that he thinks would look great on her, which shows that he does not see her as just a "warm body at home".


He wants her to look like the ones he is fantasizing about.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRy said:


> I guess you missed the part where he shops with her and try's to buy her sexy outfits that he thinks would look great on her, which shows that he does not see her as just a "warm body at home".


Yes, because he wants her to look like the women he works with. He does not want her to look like herself and be herself.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thatguyoverthere,

How many hours a week do you spend with your wife, just the two of you doing date-like things together (aka quality time)?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sounds like you married the wrong woman. Even if she dressed more fashionably, she'd still be lacking a comparable sex drive. The people you work with only emphasize the contrast between what you'd like and what you've got. I believe that you are devoted to her and your family, though, so you have a serious dilemma. Time to upgrade, or find a way to live with it? She won't change, so you must, or move on.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, you want your wife to be someone she's not.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> So, you want your wife to be someone she's not.



That, and the motivation behind it...


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

OP, This is your statement: 
"Either you are loyal or divorced" 

Sit down and have a talk with your wife about it. 

Here's the issues
1. You want your wife to dress sexier, is this in public or private? 
- Can't you ask her to wear at home so no judgement is passed & she can feel comfortable. 

2. You want sex 14 times during a week, for more than 30 minutes, and it has to be exciting. 
- That's a lot of time for a woman with 5 kids! Do the math, and see if you can compromise & schedule time for intimacy + sex. 

3. Comparing her with other women. 
- This is dangerous for you, the grass looks greener, but it is not if someone is using sex with you, possibly to advance in a career, doesn't mean that they like or find you attractive, you're a step in a ladder.
Your wife could know about your wandering eye & that will make her want to have less sex with you. 
Please take that into account. 

Just talk it out & be willing to compromise. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> I guess you missed the part where he shops with her and try's to buy her sexy outfits that he thinks would look great on her, which shows that he does not see her as just a "warm body at home".


Nope, I saw it. I'm saying she may not see it that way.

He gets turned on by lots of other women, goes shopping for her to look like them, and comes home nice and turned on by them. He makes a point to talk about all the hot women he sees daily and the effect that has on him. 

It's not a bad thing to buy your wife nice stuff, though you probably shouldn't be surprised if she doesn't wear it if you know she doesn't enjoy it. 

It would be nice if she'd wear things for him. 

Just saying that his wife likely senses that he's comparing her to models, and that could turn off a lot of women. Not really much different than porn in that respect.

Understanding how she's thinking could be helpful in addressing the issue.

This is probably a gender thing, because while many men don't think that drooling over other women has anything to do with how they view their wife, their wives won't necessarily feel that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> He wants her to look like the ones he is fantasizing about.


 No. He wants to fantasize about her.

After many years of marriage, our sex life got boring. One thing we did was to institute a weekly date night. At first it did not work so well because of the way she dressed, her attitude, and she was always talking about the kids. Finally, I asked my wife to try something different. First I took her shopping and asked her to let me buy her a date night outfit that I thought she would look hot in. I told her that I would only ask her to wear it on date night, and that we would go to someplace where we would not run into anyone that she knew. At first she felt silly dressed so sexy, but when she saw all the other women at this chic club dressed sexy, her feelings changed and she began to walk around with a sexy attitude and started to deliberately tease me. It was an amazing night for us, and I never fantasized about anyone but her. Not only was the sex great, but once she started thinking of herself as sexy again, so was the freqancy of sex.

When people come her for advice on how to make there marriage better, maybe we should first try to give them that advice, before we attack them and start to talk about divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Like a pack of hyenas jumping on a baby goat.


----------



## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

I can see where you are coming from with the sexier dressing for you. 
A while back my husband was telling me how I was dressing so nice and looking hot (to him) when I was going to work. 
He was complaining that at home I was not putting the same effort. We have 3kids and I felt like a did not have the time.
This was causing some tension between us. One morning something just changed inside of me and I decided that I was going to make more of an effort at home. 
I changed my wardrobe to include nicer fitting clothes, yet practical with children at home. 
Now I really enjoy dressing nicely for him when we go out. I feel so much better and more confident about myself too. He really appreciates my efforts and we no longer have that tension.
He always addressed his concerns to me in a respectful manner, was honest and open with his feelings.
I truly love him and wanted to show him that I care about him to know that this was important to him.

Speak with your wife about this, don't judge her or compare her to othe's. It's not always practical to dress super sexy at home (esp with young children). Assure her that she is still the most gorgeous woman to you. 
Remember that for most of the women that you see at work it's just an illusion.


Again talk to her about what you want. Compromise on something that will work for the two of you. Tell her how being intimate with her makes you feel (closer to her, loved)let her know that it strengthens your bond as a couple.
Really open up without judgement or talking about other women or how she compares.

Best of luck.


----------



## thatguyoverthere (Oct 1, 2016)

ok so there is lots of hate happening on this forum I see. I love my wife!!! She trys stuff on she even thinks looks good i say yes it does but still no dice. I am not fantasying about other women I am around them there is no fantasy the fantasy is having sex and making love to my wife as much as I would like to but not being able to because of her low self esteem which some of you would say comes from these other women but does not "goes deeper" but anyway thank you all and I appreciate the ones who didnt say "JUST LEAVE" or masturbate more I mean c,mon lol. I guess I will try to talk to her more, she is my life I love this woman with everything I was just hoping for some advice maybe from a married wife and or someone who isnt mad or thinks I am in a fantasy world..


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is she trying on stuff that you want?

Have you tried having her pick out something she likes? Maybe make a deal that she'll pick out something that shows a bit of skin?

Maybe small steps and giving her some power will work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

thatguyoverthere said:


> ok so there is lots of hate happening on this forum I see. I love my wife!!! She trys stuff on she even thinks looks good i say yes it does but still no dice. I am not fantasying about other women I am around them there is no fantasy the fantasy is having sex and making love to my wife as much as I would like to but not being able to because of her low self esteem which some of you would say comes from these other women but does not "goes deeper" but anyway thank you all and I appreciate the ones who didnt say "JUST LEAVE" or masturbate more I mean c,mon lol. I guess I will try to talk to her more, she is my life I love this woman with everything I was just hoping for some advice maybe from a married wife and or someone who isnt mad or thinks I am in a fantasy world..


Is she in shape? The reason I am asking this is that if she does not feel good about herself physically, this will be affecting her confidence in and out of the bedroom.

She is obviously aware that you work with very attractive women. This may affect her self esteem to some level esp if she already is lacking confidence.

Do you show her affection outside of the bedroom? Tell her how gorgeous she is inside and outside? 
Basically compliment her, but not just for sex.

Hope that helps.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Being surrounded by sexuality all day possibly does have some impact... you are a healthy male and it would not be surprising if it was contributing to your levels of desire especially if you have the stamina and non-medical issues and can act on it as it sounds.

Such said, it would also be understandable if your wife is a little intimidated by the "competition", thus the need to be loved and desired as herself instead of fearing comparisons.

Communicate more, and keep it an honest communication... she may feel you are trying to blow smoke up her skirt if you make too obvious an effort to over enthusiastically build her confidence, keep it subtle and sincere, your honest attention will carry more weight than any perceived attempt to "fix" her feelings of insecurity.

By the way, I applaud your loyalty to your marriage in such a relationship fickle industry... keep up the good work being true to her and self!


----------



## thatguyoverthere (Oct 1, 2016)

Yes she is in shape and also very attractive which gets me because she is so attractive but her self esteem is lacking how does a husband help this? She underestimates her looks and I just want to be more involved with her because it turns me on when she feels good and feels that she looks good. Does anyone understand me or is this just like some male bashing oh I want my wife to do what I want type stuff because that is not what I am after.


----------



## thatguyoverthere (Oct 1, 2016)

Thank you very much at least you weren't like "get divorced" lol I appreciate your point of view.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thatguyoverthere said:


> Thank you very much at least you weren't like "get divorced" lol I appreciate your point of view.


 Advice to better use this site:

1) When you are responding to a specific quote, use the respond with quote option so that we know who and what you are making the comment to.

2) When you read a post that you like, click the "Like" option for that post.

3) When you read a post that you do not like, just ignore them and stop reading the rest of the post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

Sometimes you need to take a couple small steps back in order to take several big steps forward. A recent thread referenced an article that spoke of how long term monogamy, exhaustion and body image issues are the trifecta of desire killers in married women. Throw in a little resentment of your charmed work life and the pressure she feels to have sex with you more often than she is up for and voila you have a toxic recipe for sexual dysfunction. 

The good news is this can be turned around. I would start by pulling back. Even if you are convinced you aren't doing anything consciously to make her feel stressed and pressured about sex - you probably are. In her subconscious she feels it. And it drains her sexual energy. 

I'd also suggest reading David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man. Learning to control your sexual energy rather than letting it control you will have seriously positive benefits in re-igniting her attraction and desire for you.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

When I read your post I thought, what a lucky woman she is to have a partner who finds her sexually desirable after 18 yrs of marriage. You sound like a loving but frustrated man. You can't help were you work and you can't put blinders on when a model crosses your path. 

Admiring beauty is like enjoying a luxury home in House and Garden, does not stop you from loving and cherishing your home with your history and your spouse and children. The models seem to be stoking your desire for your wife. 

The problem is that your wife does not understand things the way they really are. There is a reality that you need to accept although it does not seem reasonable. Women are usually insecure about their looks, period. It does not matter how good they look, they don't think they measure up to some ideal. 

Try to understand that, these models may not be a threat to your love for your wife but she probably does not feel that way. These are some things she may think. She may think you want sex with her because she happens to be at hand or that you want her to dress like the models because you don't find her attractive. I know, strange, but I am telling you how she may think as a woman. I won't go into the possible reason. 

Knowledge is power. If any of the above rings true, you can change your approach with those things in mind. Be careful not to say anything that hints at a comparison to models or that you want her to look better. 

Rather, make your positive comments specific to her. For instance, the color of her hair or eyes or legs. Be specific about what you like about spending time with her and with the family. Try to seem independent and self assured. 

Don't act disappointed when she does not look the way you want. You don't want this to become a battle of wills. Let her know you love her anyway, no matter how she looks but that blue dress was hot on her because it goes with her eyes or whatever. 

How does that sound? I'm sure that others have suggestions. Stay positive, there's lots of hope. It is hard I know but try to purge anger and frustration from your mind. Replace these feelings with empathy. 

Don't be insulted if this does not apply to you.  You sound so enthusiastic she is lucky and I am sure you are as well. I wish you and your wife success.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> So, you want your wife to be someone she's not.


Exactly.

Watch out for what you ask for.

If you "Spin a Top" hard enough it will get away from you.

Thank God, you have a Warm-but-Loyal Sweetie at home.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thatguyoverthere said:


> To make matters worse I am a complete hornball. I literally think about sex tons, i want to have sex like at least 2 times per day, I enjoy being very open with sex meaning anywhere any time that excitement really turns me on.


Honestly, you sound like a dog in heat. A woman whose had 5 children probably isn't going to feel too good about her body at all. YOU can't understand that because YOU didn't carry and give birth to a small army of children like she did. I honestly don't know any woman whose had* that *many children and feels great about her body.

Secondly, you're getting all butt-hurt that women are coming down on you in this thread and all of a sudden you change your tune and claim you don't even THINK about other women and you _only_ think sexually about your wife and all that bullcrap, but you said *THIS *is your original post:


> Now saying all of that we have sex 1 a week "maybe" its over in 30 minutes I am expected to work in this environment with women basically turning me on all day every day "


So you can understand why the women are 'bashing' you. You sound like a damned dog in heat drooling at everything around you and expecting your wife to jump around like a trained seal and turn herself into a sex kitten just to please you 24 hours a day because poor poor *you* can't control your hormones like a grown ass adult man.

*THAT'S* how you come off.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So you can understand why the women are 'bashing' you. You sound like a damned dog in heat drooling at everything around you and expecting your wife to jump around like a trained seal and turn herself into a sex kitten just to please you 24 hours a day because poor poor *you* can't control your hormones like a grown ass adult man.


 If the OP has not cheated on his wife, then he has controlled his "hormones like a grown ass adult man". The OP is just like most other guys, with the exception being that whereas most guys only have a couple of attractive women that float across their radar everyday, the OP has a couple dozen. But that does not change the fact that most of us guys think about sex more than their wives, or that we want sex a lot. Stop bashing the OP for being honest about him thinking like a male. He is being asked to try to understand his wife's feelings as a woman. I am asking that people understand his honest feelings as a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatguyoverthere (Oct 1, 2016)

TRy said:


> If the OP has not cheated on his wife, then he has controlled his "hormones like a grown ass adult man". The OP is just like most other guys, with the exception being that whereas most guys only have a couple of attractive women that float across their radar everyday, the OP has a couple dozen. But that does not change the fact that most of us guys think about sex more than their wives, or that we want sex a lot. Stop bashing the OP for being honest about him thinking like a male. He is being asked to try to understand his wife's feelings as a woman. I am asking that people understand his honest feelings as a man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you very much. That woman is mad at some other guy or something. I am not a dog in heat I think i explained i love my wife and will and would do anything for her. I was trying to get a womans point of view and maybe some good advice from a woman. Instead I got bashed by a few women for doing what? Wondering how to communicate better with the person i married forever? It is almost like some women just want the turmoil or are jealous that their husband does not feel the same way about them. For those women who gave me good advice thank you very much and it is truly appreciated "I MEAN THAT". I understand this is just a board but some of us are really looking for advice it is sometimes how we keep things going. Last night we had the best night in years I swear my wife and i just really had a awesome time we went out to like 3 different bars and clubs we came back and literally had sex all night long and then again this morning. I'm not sure what the formula was for that but it happened and it was WONDERFUL. I never wanted her to stand up to models or any of that **** I wanted her to see how beautiful she really is and also want her to actually feel that way with me over complimenting her you know like in a corny way. I am really into my wife she probably will never know just how into her I am because you know 5 kids and all our family is busy but I try my hardest to always let her know. For her birthday I rented out a dance club and had a table for dinner put in the middle of the dance floor with 4 waitresses serving us only. It was very romantic flowers music the whole 9 yards I really like doing special things for her and again thanks to all of the women who just didnt throw me against the way like some male pigwishing his wife was a model. That is not the situation I'm sorry if thats the way I typed it and or it was taken. #StrongSmartWomenThankYou


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OP, I will leave aside for the moment the fact that you chose a profession that involves surrounding yourself with gorgeous women (I often wonder about the security of marriages of folks who work in that type of environment). You're there, now let's deal with your current situation.

I sense from your language that you're concerned more about your ability to stay faithful than her well-being. Improving her self esteem isn't something you can do by getting her to put on a hot dress. Honestly, when I was married, my husband asked me to wear short skirts more often, after I had just given birth. I was overweight at the time and they were NOT flattering. It wasn't that I didn't want to dress sexy, I just didn't want to wear the specific things he picked out - they didn't highlight anything good about me, they made me feel trashy and unfeminine and weren't at ALL in keeping with me as a person. It would be the equivalent of asking you to wear a man thong and cowboy boots (and nothing else) to a restaurant. Maybe that's sexy to her. But I bet it would make you feel uncomfortable and more than a little resentful, right? You get that I'm exaggerating here to make a point. What feels sexy to you might just not be her style. By you trying to change her to suit what you find attractive you might actually be doing more damage to her self-esteem, instead of helping repair it. 

Spend time with her. Real time, not talking about the kids, not talking her about her appearance. Go on dates. One-on-one dates. Romance her. Talk to her. Confide in her. Ask about what's going on with her. THAT is how a woman feels special - you choose to spend your free time with her and tell her what you genuinely love about her as she IS, rather than focusing on how you want her to look or dress. When was the last time you two really talked? I feel like the sex part is crucial, but you might be putting the cart before the horse - if the romance isn't there, it's going to be tough to build the sort of bond that will result in more sex. Even if you do work on it, at some point you're going to have to level with her in a way that doesn't come across as badgering, about your unhappiness with the amount of sex you are having - maybe with the help of a marriage counselor.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

thatguyoverthere said:


> Does anyone understand me or is this just like some male bashing oh I want my wife to do what I want type stuff because that is not what I am after.


Ignore the bitter and jaded. You are on an anonymous internet forum looking for advice. You get what you paid for. That said. Here's my two cents. 

Sit your wife down, tell her, "Look, I need sex more than once a week. I have needs and if you can't meet those needs I think we need to start discussing separation."

It's brutal but its honest. Marriage is not prison. You don't want to turn into a cheating scumbag and you don't deserve to be sexually frustrated for the rest of your life.

So if SHE can't get on board with opening up more sexually and obviously you would do whatever you can to help facilitate that. Whining and dining, compliments, other romantic crap. 

Then it's time to find someone who will fit the bill. Her insecurities are HER PROBLEM, not yours. You find her beautiful, if she can't find herself beautiful then find someone who does.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well reading your posts, thing is you can't change your wife's actions but you can change her perceptions about your attractions to her. Why not work on what you can change, focus on helping her feel attractive, feel like she is the most attractive to you, and safe in your desire for her. This may help her to open up and be more risky with you. Right now she doesn't feel secure so she can't take risks.

Also grand gestures are great but I think long term constant small romantic gestures work better. Start leaving notes telling your wife how hot she looked after she wears something you think she looked hot in. Notes telling her you notice when she does something for you or the kids. You say she will never know how into her you are. Tell her that, repeatedly.


----------



## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I think some posters have been a little too harsh. OP is a straight man surrounded by hot women all day. I live in the real world, obviously he is going to be turned on.

Now, I also understand why your wife might not be feeling too sexy after 5 kids. So I think you need to work on it one step at a time. Don't expect her to turn into a sex frenzied tigress in one day. Start with trying to bump sex from once a week to 2. Or maybe sex once a week and a BJ once a week. Work your way up slowly. As for trying to get her to dress sexy, it starts with her brain. She needs to feel sexy and confident first. Book her a trip to the spa, get her a gift card to Sephora, have her go to the salon and get her hair done, get her a gym pass or have her sign up to any fitness classes she wants. She will slowly start feeling better about herself. Then you can start addressing wardrobe. And work on that slowly too. Buy her one sexy dress or a sexy blouse and take her somewhere nice. Tell her how beautiful she looks, how all the men in the room are staring at her. Build her up! The better she feels about herself, the more she will want to open up to you.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Ignore the bitter and jaded. You are on an anonymous internet forum looking for advice. You get what you paid for. That said. Here's my two cents.
> 
> Sit your wife down, tell her, "Look, I need sex more than once a week. I have needs and if you can't meet those needs I think we need to start discussing separation."
> 
> ...


If he wants his wife to just ''service him'' more, then that is what this type of thing will get him. But, he probably should try to get to the heart of why their sex life has slowed down. That's the loving thing to do. 

I imagine that he wants HER to enjoy it, too. Would you want to just have your needs met if you knew your partner wasn't at all into it?


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Do you dress in clothes that are attractive to your wife, and accentuate the parts of your body that she would like you to emphasize?

What if she'd like you to wear sweatpants and a torn old flannel shirt with Birkenstock sandals and wool socks, 'cause that's what's cozy and warm and real to her, and makes her feel more attracted to you? Would you dress that way?

Was she once fashionable and cutting edge with her clothing; but changed? If yes, why did she change? 

If she was never into dressing in sexy clothes; why were you attracted to her in the first place?

You sound like you are on the verge of being unfaithful. If possible, change your line of work.

^^^I just threw that in there as a last ditch suggestion. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't even consider doing it.

But if I was working in a place where I was surrounded by men that I found physically gorgeous and they flirted with me; and all I ever did was compare my husband to them negatively----I'd think about finding a new job if I wanted to keep my marriage healthy.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Ignore the bitter and jaded.


Yeah, ignore *The-Bit-Her* and the *Jay-Did-It*.

They MEAN, well, yes they are!


----------



## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

thatguyoverthere said:


> Thank you very much. That woman is mad at some other guy or something. I am not a dog in heat I think i explained i love my wife and will and would do anything for her. I was trying to get a womans point of view and maybe some good advice from a woman. Instead I got bashed by a few women for doing what? Wondering how to communicate better with the person i married forever? It is almost like some women just want the turmoil or are jealous that their husband does not feel the same way about them. For those women who gave me good advice thank you very much and it is truly appreciated "I MEAN THAT". I understand this is just a board but some of us are really looking for advice it is sometimes how we keep things going. Last night we had the best night in years I swear my wife and i just really had a awesome time we went out to like 3 different bars and clubs we came back and literally had sex all night long and then again this morning. I'm not sure what the formula was for that but it happened and it was WONDERFUL. I never wanted her to stand up to models or any of that **** I wanted her to see how beautiful she really is and also want her to actually feel that way with me over complimenting her you know like in a corny way. I am really into my wife she probably will never know just how into her I am because you know 5 kids and all our family is busy but I try my hardest to always let her know. For her birthday I rented out a dance club and had a table for dinner put in the middle of the dance floor with 4 waitresses serving us only. It was very romantic flowers music the whole 9 yards I really like doing special things for her and again thanks to all of the women who just didnt throw me against the way like some male pigwishing his wife was a model. That is not the situation I'm sorry if thats the way I typed it and or it was taken. #StrongSmartWomenThankYou


Do you and your wife have date nights/day?
Does she often get the opportunity to dress up in clothes other than her mum clothes?

Females can be very critical of their bodies. Where you see a gorgeous woman in your wife - fit, nice butt, legs, breasts etc. She might be seeing flabby thighs, breasts not as perky and legs not as nicely shaped, stretch marks.
She might feel that her body is not what it used to pre children. 

These things might also be impacting her confidence and self esteem. And to be honest knowing that her husband is surrounded by beautiful women all day cannot be easy.

If she is the main caregiver for your 5 children would be very exhausting physically as well as emotionally.
How old is your youngest? Could she be suffering from some level of post natal depression? 

I really wish you all the best in finding a happy medium for the both of you.
You being there for her as a husband and a father 100% is critical in your marriage and in facing any issues/problems.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> If he wants his wife to just ''service him'' more, then that is what this type of thing will get him.


Right. I'm trying to solve his "big problem" not hers. She has not communicated her issues to OP or "she thinks" she has but in a piss poor fashion if he is this clueless. 



*Deidre* said:


> But, he probably should try to get to the heart of why their sex life has slowed down. That's the loving thing to do.


Yeah its the loving thing to do but really it's HER responsibility. She's the one playing passive aggressive games. She has self esteem issues and despite OP's assurances to the contrary, he pays the price. 



*Deidre* said:


> I imagine that he wants HER to enjoy it, too. Would you want to just have your needs met if you knew your partner wasn't at all into it?


I'd want a partner who would effectively communicate and take responsibility for her internal issues. And if she can't she needs to stop wasting OP's time.

Am I being harsh on her? Absolutely, but I'm tired of reading how it's HIS job to find out what her problem is and it's HIS job to make her happy. 

NO.

It's HER just to figure out what HER problem is. It's HER job to communicate that to him. And it's HER job to come up with a plan to fix it.

SHE is responsible for her own happiness. NOT him. It's called accountability.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Right. I'm trying to solve his "big problem" not hers. She has not communicated her issues to OP or "she thinks" she has but in a piss poor fashion if he is this clueless.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I never said it's his job to make her happy.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BetrayedDad said:


> Right. I'm trying to solve his "big problem" not hers. She has not communicated her issues to OP or "she thinks" she has but in a piss poor fashion if he is this clueless.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well if that is the standard by which the relationship will function then she does have as much right to be harsh and dismissive as you advise him to be, no? 

If he has a problem with sexual frustration then it's his problem not hers. Yes the loving thing to do would be to change if it is of importance to her husband but following your relationship formula, it's not her job to cater to his lamentable issues. 

Am I being harsh on him? Absolutely, but I'm tired of reading how it's HER job to find out what his problem is and it's HER job to make him happy. 

NO.

It's HIS just to figure out what HIS problem is. It's His job to communicate that to her. And it's His job to come up with a plan to fix it.

He is responsible for his own happiness. NOT her. It's called accountability

You see how that works? What reason would she have to treat his problems with respect empathy and compassion if he is dismissive of her issues? 

You think that D will be any harder on her than than it will be on him? You think his wife is easily replaceable. There are woman hanging around waiting for a D man with six children and an ex who wants to have sex 14 times a week but requires a woman who is sexy and beautiful? 

It does not sound like his wife is replaceable to him and from the little that he has posted, he is in love with a sexy hot woman. He is looking for ways of helping the woman to see herself as she really is. It's called intimate relationship. 

They may or may not reach a happy equilibrium but giving up so soon when there is so much promise seems irresponsible and foolish. He is doing the right thing, he is trying to fix what his wife cannot as yet see as a problem.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That guy,

If you want real help, you are going to need to do two things:
1. Ignore unhelpful posts. There will be many like that. Just ignore them. And if a particular poster is consistently unhelpful or annoying, use the 'ignore' feature and you won't even see their posts.
2. Answer hard questions. 

For example: 
1. Your wife is already very aware that you want sex more than once a week yes? 
2. Is it possible she avoids the 'sexy' clothing, because she doesn't want to create an even larger desire gap than already exists?

Did you ever think that maybe - many of the things which make you successful at work, aren't effective with your wife. 

The super confident, super competent vibe - that is so damn helpful at work - needs to be turned COMPLETELY off when you talk to your wife about sex. 

An example will illustrate this. 

If your pitch is: I'm confused because I'm successful and smart and generous and attractive, but we're only having sex once a week. 

The subtext is: I'm fine, YOU must be the problem.

If instead, you stop pitching and seek understanding, you might ask: Am I doing stuff that makes you feel bad?

Big difference between those two approaches. 






thatguyoverthere said:


> Thank you very much. That woman is mad at some other guy or something. I am not a dog in heat I think i explained i love my wife and will and would do anything for her. I was trying to get a womans point of view and maybe some good advice from a woman. Instead I got bashed by a few women for doing what? Wondering how to communicate better with the person i married forever? It is almost like some women just want the turmoil or are jealous that their husband does not feel the same way about them. For those women who gave me good advice thank you very much and it is truly appreciated "I MEAN THAT". I understand this is just a board but some of us are really looking for advice it is sometimes how we keep things going. Last night we had the best night in years I swear my wife and i just really had a awesome time we went out to like 3 different bars and clubs we came back and literally had sex all night long and then again this morning. I'm not sure what the formula was for that but it happened and it was WONDERFUL. I never wanted her to stand up to models or any of that **** I wanted her to see how beautiful she really is and also want her to actually feel that way with me over complimenting her you know like in a corny way. I am really into my wife she probably will never know just how into her I am because you know 5 kids and all our family is busy but I try my hardest to always let her know. For her birthday I rented out a dance club and had a table for dinner put in the middle of the dance floor with 4 waitresses serving us only. It was very romantic flowers music the whole 9 yards I really like doing special things for her and again thanks to all of the women who just didnt throw me against the way like some male pigwishing his wife was a model. That is not the situation I'm sorry if thats the way I typed it and or it was taken. #StrongSmartWomenThankYou


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Dude you write like you're all coked up ha ha 

Slow down. Get hold of your emotions. I totally get where you are. Completely. And you're not wrong,

I am still working on building my Ws self esteem. She would say she's fine, but her upbringing was catholic and there are lots of things that are not discussed.

I too have 5 kids. I was a complete hornball, working downtown in a major city, seeing professional women dressing nicely, sexy, full of confidence. Yeah,.. I get it.

I think you have to stick to your needs. Daily sex is your need? Fine - mine too. So how do you get W to understand and fulfill your needs?

Start with His Needs Her Needs. It's s simple book that will validate your needs - sex is the #1 need for men and an attractive spouse is also up there. So it's ok to need that.

Next, you may learn something about women's needs. Financial security is #1 (I think). Read the book.

I found that I was meeting my wife's needs. Therefore NOTHING WAS GOING TO CHANGE. let me emphasize that - because some here don't understand that. You may not be able to change anything to get your needs met if hers are and she thinks things are all peaches and roses.

So - if you aren't meeting your needs, you can find out with that book by reading it with her. If you are, then the book may show her that all her assumptions about your needs are wrong. And if that's the case, and your W is like mine, then that realization - when she accepts it - will make her want to change and meet your needs too.

Don't expect overnight changes. It creates too much pressure and some people lock up.

But there is hope,


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stop with all the generalizing about having X amount of kids.. that no wonder she doesn't feel THAT WAY... 

Heck I've had 6... and I love love love to feel sexy and turn on my husband.... now if he didn't compliment me or I questioned if he wanted other hotter women.. this WOULD indeed play on my mind.. it would HURT.... I mean.. it matters that I feel an assured confidence in his Presence..a desire for me... and that it's a mutual expression of excitement between us.. some men may want excitement, more Erotic.. but maybe she is passionate about Intimacy.. you may need to concentrate a little more so in this area ... 

Does your wife regularly orgasm ?... Have you ever opened this up.. really talked about it.. seeking what turns HER ON?.... so you can do whatever it takes to bring you closer together.. when my drive was 3 times higher over my husband (with 5 kids.. I assume she is reaching close to 40.. this could happen to her too!.. Hold on for the ride, she might show you up!) ... 

I went out of my way to seek how to LIGHT HIS FIRE , reading books on how to please a man... so we could connect more (I would have been happy with 3 times a day!).. I wanted to spice everything up.. try new things.. introduce novelty.. anything to get him going.. so he could TAKE ME.. I know how you feel.. ha ha 

If she is hesitant to open up & really talk about her fantasies & such.. you could try a game called "Discover your lover"... can read about it here: Kinky World » Discover Your Lover Adult Board Game Review there is Intimate cards, Task, affectionate, & passionate.. chances for massage on the board.. you can even throw the board out.. and use the cards for PLay...seeing where it leads.. if she is game. 










This would be a great book if you need to get down & dirty on some new skills to please her.. She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) 

And this could be helpful to understand your Libido types.. I used this book (below) to help me with my husband..it opened my eyes in some ways I needed at the time.. when I was feeling antsy & frustrated myself...I did a write up on this book once.. I will copy & paste here...



> Our differences in Libido types and Lover styles...so often there is a disconnect/ misnderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...
> 
> So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another
> 
> ...


You sound like a loving husband... who wants nothing more than to be with the woman he dearly loves, you just want MORE ravishing going on.... Another thought.. if there is any resentment (could be from anything in the past.. it's one of the greatest sex killers there is).... unearth it & find your intimacy again.. Nothing better than reviving the Passion in a marriage.. feeling like you're on a Mid life Honeymoon with each other... 

I once shared a post that I believe greatly revved my dopamine levels towards my husband...(I sound kinda high even)... heck maybe this could work on your wife ! Some good stuff on this thread.. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Shout out @SimplyAmorous. You are one in a million. Someone posted that they wanted to clone you. You cloned yourself- I'm sure many women read your sex positive and sensible advice and follow your lead. Count me among them.


----------



## StikkyEbi (Oct 5, 2016)

Sounds like you have several problems. The biggest one being a lack of communication and acceptance on both your wife and your part. You shouldn't be looking to have an affair but you can't help how your body reacts to things. Focus on making your relationship with your wife better and talk through how you feel about everything including the frequency of the sex and what turns you on. If you improve your sex life for both you and her she might want sex more often and the more fulfilling sex for you means that having to take care of yourself a couple times a week shouldn't be that big of a deal.


----------



## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

thatguyoverthere,

your wife can change, mine did, but it's a team effort. Communication with her is your best friend here.

My wife was similarly loathed to dress sexy, but as we spent more time together, we opened up. It was a gradual process and it's getting better. She's become "more sexy", has more fun with me. Have fun with her in other ways and the good sex will come :grin2:

Let us know how it goes.


----------

