# Boyfriend is depressed - how do I talk to him?



## Fiddles79 (Sep 18, 2013)

My boyfriend of almost 2 years and I had an argument/discussion on sunday that ended up with him telling me he wanted out, he stopped carring, he doesnt care now. 
That turned to him saying this doesnt feel like it should, things should be easy and they are hard.
That lead to us 'breaking up' but we were still talking
He told me he expected me not to be there in the morning, i asked if that was because he wanted me to leave or he thought I would, he replied with I don't think you'll be here.
He went on to say that he thinks he wasted my life, i deserve 'so much better than this' which is untrue, and I said that.
That lead to him crying on the couch with me saying "We'll still be friends right? Right?"
He admitted at this point that he drinks to feel numb and has been drinking too much for months. I said I'm happy you've realized that. He asked almost shocked "You knew?" He mentioned depression as being the reason he was dirnking. I have never heard him use the term depression before.
By the end of the night (3 hours or so) we had said that we wanted to take a few steps back, slow down and work on things. I had asked him how was he supposed to know how the relationship feels when he's been numbing himself by drinking. he agreed that he didn't.

I'm by no means perfecet in this or think our problems are all on him. I avoided them, pretended they weren't there and tried to be a peace maker - it blew up in my face. i know I should have confronted the issues months ago and I didn't. I admit that.

My problem is I haven't head from him in 4 days. I've tried contacting him, I know he needs some space right now and I'm sure as exhausted as I am he is worse. I left a message for him that i know its been a rough few days, i know its a lot to process and he needs time but know that Im here.

What do I do now? I know I can't push him or anything like that, but I don't know a thing about depression and from what I'm reading so far i'm doing what I should. Letting him know I am there and letting him have his space that he needs - but when i do talk to him/see him do i mention depression? Is that ok to do or do I need to avoid that subject all together?
Im very lost here, and I know the hard part is yet to come if we are trying to work through this . . . but part of what I need is an open line to communicate. I don't expect hour long conversations, but touching base right now is what I need.

Can I say that to him and how do i do it with out pushing him or coming off that I think everything is on him?


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Is he currently suicidal?

Depression is very complicated. He could be depressed due to a number of things - illness, work, relationship etc. In my opinion, the best thing to do would be to contact his parents/closest family immediately and tell them your concerns about his health (and that you haven't had any contact for 4 days). 

If they are in contact with him, make sure that he has been to see a doctor. If not - find him and convince him to see a doctor. Drag his arse kicking and screaming if you have to.


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## thrall (Sep 26, 2013)

Syco said:


> Is he currently suicidal?
> 
> Depression is very complicated. He could be depressed due to a number of things - illness, work, relationship etc. In my opinion, the best thing to do would be to contact his parents/closest family immediately and tell them your concerns about his health (and that you haven't had any contact for 4 days).
> 
> If they are in contact with him, make sure that he has been to see a doctor. If not - find him and convince him to see a doctor. Drag his arse kicking and screaming if you have to.


:iagree:

This hit sort of home for me. Before I married my wife, I had did a stint in the US military but got out after only two years for medical reasons. I was very depressed about things and pushed everything aside. If it wasn't for my future wife and my family I wouldn't be here. 

Depression is a tricky issue because it makes everything in your life so...bleak. Food doesn't taste the same, the air is dull, the grass isn't as green. I dunno. But you should definitely make sure he sees someone for it.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Any updates? You find him?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

IMO...you really need to back up and let him contact you if and when he wants to. He already knows how you feel and that you are there for him. When he does contact you be a friend not his psychologist, problem fixer or mother. Dont go running whenever he does. You need distance now. He needs to handle his issues. Its for him to handle not you. He is not your husband. He told you he wanted out and that he doesn't care but you convinced him to stay in the relationship and work on it. When a man tells you he wants to leave you let him no matter what reason he gives you. 

Maybe this is his depression talking maybe not. Regardless this is how he is feeling. Give him space and time to figure things out ....what he needs and wants on his own. If you try to influence him and hold onto him now it will backfire and you will push him further away or he may view you as a doormat and take advantage. Focus on yourself, fill your time with friends and activities that make you happy. Put your heart first now. 

Dont tell him that you need to touch base with him. That comes off as pressure on him and neediness on your part. You have already told him what you needed to. He already told you what he wants which is to break up so give him what he wants.

Now it is on him to keep the lines of communication open. He will call and when he does talk to him like you would any other friend. Dont bring up the depression or the relationship. If he does just listen. Don't advise him unless he asks for your advice or opinions. Be kind, encouraging and supportive in your interactions but dont be at his beck and call .Dont be his security blanket or crutch that he can just pick up or put down at random. 

If you really think he is severely depressed or suicidal, which there is no indication of, do contact his family so they can get him proper care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

inarut - I respectfully disagree. 

There is a big difference between being "needy", and simply establishing whether or not he is doing ok. 

Common signs of depression: Social withdrawal, negative thinking, self-medicating with alcohol. 

All I'm saying is that he should go see a doctor - not whether or not they should stay together.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Respectfully, I know what depression is. I have experienced more than my share. I guess I am just looking at it differently and I guess I am unclear about the severity of it in his case although he is obviously somewhat depressed.

No, there is nothing needy about simply wanting to know that he is ok if that is the case no...not at all. If she is also trying to hold onto him and keep him in a relationship with her then i think it is needy, pushy and intrusive on her part if that's not what he wants. Whether this is true or not he may view it that way. I know that the op would be acting out of love and care for him. I mean no disrespect to the op either.

The bottom line is if he doesn't want to see a doctor or get help there is nothing she can do for him except be a friend if he wants that which is why I said if she thinks he is really in trouble or in danger of a suicide she should contact his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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