# 5 yrs...and he's still not ready...



## devanescence (Jan 7, 2009)

Im looking for advice, because my situation is a unique one it seems like. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 5 years now, and we did meet younger at 20 years old. But we are both more mature for our age than most who are 25. I knew when I met him he was different, and I knew that after a year or two, he was the man I was going to marry. I never pushed him, or bugged him about it. I just knew, when he was ready he'd ask, no question about it. We are approaching 5 years, Im done with college (twice), he's on to his masters but has been working full time in a very successfull job for a few years. He owns his own house, and is VERY good with money and like I said, he is very mature for his age, as am I. After attending what seemed like a endless list of weddings to couples who were the same age or younger and had only been together from anywhere to months to 2 years getting married, I started thinking...Is he EVER going to ask. He talks about our wedding on occasion, what he wants, where it would be, etc. But I finally decided to talk to him about it. He says he's just not ready. He doesnt feel like he's "old" enough, and he said his life isnt where he wants it to be before he gets married. I feel like these are just excuses and I worry that he won't ever ask. I told him Im ready, and after 5 years I'd except him to at least have an idea of when he'd want to get married, but he doesnt. Now Im starting to stress that the love of my life, my best friend is going to drag our relationship out for another 5 years and STILL not know. Im not a pushy person, and I want him to really think about it and be sure what he wants...but I feel kind of lost. What should I do? Any advice?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

my wife and I dated 7 years before we got married, we waited until both our college degrees were earned and we had good jobs. (married 13 years now)

Do you two happen to live together or seperate?

have you ever thought about "playing the field" if your not married?

worst thing you can do is pressure him, but also if he se's you becomming interested in other men he might just pull the trigger.

25 is middle of the road for me, I think he will be ready in the next 2-3 years, but will you wait that long? if it is love then no problem. 

Do you both want children?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, if you're only 25 , then mature or not ,you're both still young, and you've got time. Since he has told you that he does want to get married someday, and he speaks about what your wedding would be like, and what he'd want, then I'd say he will ask you someday. He even told you when you asked, that it's not you, that he's just not ready right? So, I wouldn't be too awful worried. However...... you have been together for 5 years, and it's just me, but if he didn't ask me in the next year or two, then I'd be outta there. My cousin was with a man for 7 years, he waffled, and waffled, and then finally asked her, only never wanted to set a date, and every time they broke up, she took him back. You see, he was getting what he wanted from the relationship, love ,but no long term commitment. She eventually left for good. I am not saying this situation is exactly the same as yours, but , he can't string you along forever. If you feel you can't wait till you're in your 30's , and why should you have to? Then I'd hit the road in the next year or two if he has not asked by then. That is just me. I hope you can be okay waiting till the day comes! I think it probably will........


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I would also like to add...

enjoy the 20's...llive life and travel enjoy it.

While I love my children, I wish we had more time together as a couple married then right into family life after marriage...


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## devanescence (Jan 7, 2009)

We both love to travel a lot and we do that a lot now. Planning a trip to France in June. Like I said, in the 5 years we've been together I've never bugged him about it before, never questioned him or pushed him, im not like that. But I just felt like after 5 years, it would be nice to know where he stands. We dont plan on having kids for awhile. I dont want kids right now. But we do live separately because my family and I are very traditional in not living together until marriage. He wants me to move into his house with him, but knows that it would cause too much drama with my family. I realize that the 20's are young and Im not saying that I just want to get married, but I want to be married to HIM. The only thing we dont have right now in our relationship is the fact that I dont live with him. We both buy things for the house, we both manage and take care of HIS home, we go grocery shopping for us, buy things for the house. He always wants MY opinion, I helped him design the house he has. SO I feel like the only thing is we arent LEGAL. And thats what frustrates me. I feel like at this point I deserve at least some sort of commitment from him. And maybe an idea of what he's looking at in our future. If I know that I'll wait as long as he needs me to. But right now he just "doesnt' know", and Im worried that Im going to miss out on MY 20's because I am following him and his career while pushing mine aside. I dont know that that makes sense, but I hope it does. Thanks for you opinions. They are really helpful.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

The maturity you talk about is probably why he hasn't asked you yet. He wants everything perfectly in line before hand. 

Maybe he wants to have some money saved up.

Maybe he wants to be 100% done with school, who knows. 

It sounds like he's a great guy. I would guess from limited information here that he has the best intentions. It will come, don't worry too much and don't pressure him too much.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well my wife is a pharmacist and she had to go 5 years plus a intership... there was no way I wanted her to stop her education, her career is hers and she should be the best she can.

I would talk to him, tell him how you feel, we did not live together either, due to her family.

but she had no problem leaving pictures or ad's of rings around my house LOL

or wedding magazines..lol

suttle hints are fine.

Just ask him were you stand in his life and are you wasting yours?

My wife's sister wanted kids, her husband said he wanted kids....until they were married then he said he did not want children, they are still married, but you can tell she is not "happy" even though they own 3 houses and make a buttload of money....they do not have the happiness, becuase she feels she missed out.

so find out where you stand, just so you know your future.

Do not view anyting as a waste, just part of life.

I think he wants to marry you, but just feels he needs some more time.

5 years is longer then most marriages. :smthumbup:


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## devanescence (Jan 7, 2009)

Thanks...like I said. I DONT pressure him. First time in 5 years I've even brought it up. It was ONE conversation. Because we never had it. He is an amazing guy. He has plenty saved up...he's very good about his money. School could be a reason, but he'd be done before we "got married" anyways...so I dont understand why being engaged for a year or two isnt even in the pic. At least Id feel like we were taking the next step.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, I don't think bringing it up once is pressure at all, and you had every right to ask him, given that you've been with him for so long. As I said, I would give him a bit longer, but in the end, if he persists, and if you two are married in every way but legal, as you said, then I'd eventually have to hit the road to find someone who can and will take that next step. Don't wait till you're 35 or even late twenties , and then find out he is never going to ask you.... and as you know, time is an issue for women in terms of having kids, not that your clock is even close to ticking... but honestly, a woman's fertility, according to my ob/gyn, starts a slow decline around age 28. Contrary to popular belief, women can't just magically get pregnant easily in their 30's and it's even hard in the 40's , plus, the rist of birth defects is much higher then. So, if you want a family, make sure you keep that in mind, when waiting this out. You deserve a ring from him! I am not telling you this to scare you, as I said, you are very young, and have plenty of time yet to have kids and be married. But, if you are practically married anyway, why not make it official. I would say, if he doesn't bring it up in the next 6 months, talk to him agian about it. See if that does any good. I do think he loves you, and it sounds like he'll eventually pop the question.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

So you basically live together without actually living together now?

I know many people don't agree with me (whether because of religion or morals), but I believe you should live together before you get married. 

Moving in together is such a huge step in a relationship and can be such a culture shock to a couple that I think it is something that definitely should be done prior to tying the knot. 

Just ask him about it. 


Then, look at it from his point of view... He might not understand why it is a big deal to you. He doesn't think of engagement as the same "Step" that you do. He knows he's going to marry you. He's making plans with you. He might even have an idea of when he's going to do it (like after he gets done with school). He might not be the type that will get engaged then wait 2 years. 

Honestly, from the way you describe it, he sounds like a perfectionist. First A, then B, then C..... Not A, then start of B, then go ahead and start C then finish C, then go back to B.

He probably thinks. Finish School, get job, then get married.

Not, in school, get engaged, finish school, plan wedding get job, have wedding....

It seems weird to you, but I bet it's not weird to him.


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## devanescence (Jan 7, 2009)

basically i dont stay the night.  But im there all the time (which is by the way a 30 min drive from where I live). We did live together in another state for a couple months but he had to quit his job and he got a better job back where we were. I was in an internship so we were apart for 8 months, still dated and in a long-distance relationship. It was hard, but it proved to me that he was the one. 

He already has a VERY good successful job that he has had for a couple years. One that pays for him to travel to Asia (which he just got back from). He's doing school in the evening twice a week while working full time, and his job is paying for his masters. 

I really appreciate all this advice. It's helpful to get other peoples opinions on the situation, especially when they aren't personally involved in the situation. So thank you.


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## ncreb24 (Jan 7, 2009)

What you have to ask yourself is...If he is the love of your life...If you truly feel that he is the one, than isn't he worth the wait?? Currently you are not married, and that makes a huge difference because there are not any vows involved or lifelong commitment yet. You have every right to be excited and eager, I was when my Wife finally decided to marry me. The thing is...if he marries you before he is ready it may change things for the worse. You have a lot of time ahead of you two so enjoy the anticipation and when he decides the time is right for him it will make you even more happy knowing that you gave him the gift of time to make his decision. May God bless both of you and my prayer is that your dreams come true.


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