# What is normal amount of affection & sex?



## [email protected] (Jul 13, 2012)

We've been married just over 6 years now. I also just posted oru financial issues. I'm concerned about how much affection we show each other.

In the morning, we rarely (or should I say she) kiss and hug each other good morning. Granted I get up weekdays at 5am to work out before getting ready for work.

However, when I'm ready to leave for work I feel like it's pulling teeth to get a decent hug/kiss goodbye. Most times it's just a quick kiss.

She's home when I get home from work, usually making dinner or watching tv and waiting for me. She complains that I never come in the door excited to see her and the kids - stepson and my son. Again rarely a hug or kiss hello, unless I initiate it.

When it comes to sex, I figure we would rarely have any if I didn't initiate it. However, I had heard from my neighbor that it's been months for them.

So what do you consider to be a normal amount of affection?


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Everyone is different. The normal amount would be the amount that makes you and your spouse happy. If you want a kiss goodbye, communicate and let her know this is something you want or need. If you get it, that's your normal.

Normal is subjective.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Same old ugly cycle. She doesn't give affection, and wonders why you're not excited to see her? You come home in a mood and wonder why she offers no affection.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Regarding frequency of sex, I think normal would be 1 - 2 days per week. But even that may or may not be what you need for your marriage. When it comes to outward signs of affection, that gets even more subjective and there probably isn't an exact average number for this. I'm sure there are marriages that are very solid where neither spouse shows a lot of outward affection and there are marriages that are crumbling and the spouses are constantly fawning over each other. So this part is hard to quantify IMO.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

MC says minimal for a "functioning marriage" is once a week.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Drover said:


> MC says minimal for a "functioning marriage" is once a week.


Which I'm guessing would be average when you take into account all of the good and bad marriages out there. But I think that frequency is too low, and that 3 - 4 days a week would be healthy.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Our normal is a kiss whenever we see each other at the end of the day, as well as my husband kissing me in my sleep when he leaves. We love to cuddle and we make love at least 3 times a week unless one of us is sick or I am on my period. 

Couples can only define what is normal for their relationship. My husband and I could never be happy with sex once a week. I was falling asleep on the couch a lot and my husband asked me to come back to bed with him, so that he could wake up to me again. We are just snuggly like that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree normal is relative. Sex once a week was never good enough for me because I'm an affectionate person. In between sex I want lots of kisses and cuddling. My love language is physical touch so if take that away I'm not going to feel very loved. If I'm not loved my marriage isn't going to make it.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

EVERYDAY! hahaahaha.  
seriously though, everyone requires different amounts of affection. 
i would have to say you need to focus more on the intimacy and work your way up too the amount you both need throughout the week. someone told me told put opn lingerie and just have at it when angry happy sad. it does help surprisingly. who knows!!!!!!!!


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## [email protected] (Jul 13, 2012)

She sees our marriage as just fine the way it is, cause she's following like her parents who have been married for 40 or so years. I'm sorry but this is a non-sense excuse. Two people can still be married, and not have a physically loving relationship.

I don't want to share my house with someone. I want to be in a loving relationship. I'm at a point in my life where I have 2 views:

1. Stay in marriage for the sake of my son.
All arguments lately though have turned into her screaming, and at times in front of him. I'm not concerned about her son, he's seen this for a couple of years now.

2. Move on, and this seems to be the best choice.
However, I can't get her to meet with a mediator with me.

Just so we are clear, I've been to and suggested counseling. She states that she knows what her issues are.... WTH does that mean as far as our relationship?

I have read other threads though, and feel that it's time to take the "180" turn. She's similar to other's I've read about - addicted to Instagram and Facebook.

Thank you for the comments, and feel free to keep posting. I'm not set in my ways and have been open to new/other ideas.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

IS there a normal amount? i would think it is based on individual preference.

I'm affectionate and very into sex with my SO. in the past relationships I haven't been so free with my affection and with sex.

We are constantly touching each other.Whether it's a kiss on the forehead,rub of the back,slap on the butt,anything at all really.I crave affection from him and he feels the same about me.

and sex?well we both need that daily,sometimes twice daily.It's a bonding,stress relieving activity for us.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Hmmmm....

mental issues? is there a background of that in her family that you know of?

Im asking because i am bi-polar and i would often THINK i was getting my point across by screaming, but in reality it does nothing but make the situation worse and its demeaning to what communication really is. im sorry that you are hurting :/ 
for her to turn you down as far as counseling, that says alot about what she is willing to give and willing to fix in your relationship as well as herself. there is NOTHING wrong with counseling. Its actually very theraputic IMO.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Normal is a very hard to find playing field.

The reason is because what is normal to you isn't normal to the next person. Unfortunately, the next person is often your wife.

As a result there is most times only one satisfied person in the marriage, and that is generally whichever one has the lower sex drive. In your case, it sounds like your wife. Even if she does start to offer sex to you as often as you want it, odds are it will be 'duty' sex so she will be unsatified with her sex life, and you may be as well since you'll be getting 'duty' sex, unsually with the minimum of passion.

So you will likely be without anything 'normal' while you are in the current relationship, as it seems your wife is rather reluctant to even communicate about the subject. No communication and no enthusiasm equates to an unhappy relationship.

I'm not advocating for you to get a divorce, just spelling it out that odds are, unless your wife is willing to bend on her stance regarding communication, you aren't likely to find much sexual satisfaction in this marriage.


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> She sees our marriage as just fine the way it is, cause she's following like her parents who have been married for 40 or so years. I'm sorry but this is a non-sense excuse. Two people can still be married, and not have a physically loving relationship.
> 
> I don't want to share my house with someone. I want to be in a loving relationship. I'm at a point in my life where I have 2 views:
> 
> ...


"Stay in marriage for the sake of my son." That is my wife's motto. I am divorcing her now. She is happy without sex. She said she is sacrificing for kid to stay in the marriage. She feels like a Saint this way. I am mean enough to derail her dreams and will serve her a divorce paper. Am I bad?


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## Dowzin (Jul 17, 2012)

So what happens when the amount of affection you want is different than that of your spouse? I recently joined this website because of this question. I have been married 1 yr and everything so far has been great. However, recently there have been times when I find my wife demanding more affection than I want to give at that moment, and have a hard time faking affection when not in the mood. 
By nature, I am not overly affectionate, but I can't seem to explain this to my wife in a way that doesn't make her feel self-conscious and vulnerable. Right now we are in our first major relationship issue, and I don't know what to do about it. For now she has pretty much shut down, and I have had a very difficult time communicating with her. Now she doesn't want to show affection for fear of perceived rejection. 
I guess this is why people say that marriage takes hard work and dedication and I feel that it has been easy up to this point for us. I am willing to put in the work because I love her and want this relationship to succeed. I just don't know where to start. Thanks in advance for your responses,


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Dowzin said:


> So what happens when the amount of affection you want is different than that of your spouse? I recently joined this website because of this question. I have been married 1 yr and everything so far has been great. However, recently there have been times when I find my wife demanding more affection than I want to give at that moment, and have a hard time faking affection when not in the mood.
> By nature, I am not overly affectionate, but I can't seem to explain this to my wife in a way that doesn't make her feel self-conscious and vulnerable. Right now we are in our first major relationship issue, and I don't know what to do about it. For now she has pretty much shut down, and I have had a very difficult time communicating with her. Now she doesn't want to show affection for fear of perceived rejection.
> I guess this is why people say that marriage takes hard work and dedication and I feel that it has been easy up to this point for us. I am willing to put in the work because I love her and want this relationship to succeed. I just don't know where to start. Thanks in advance for your responses,


You hit the nail on the head, communication.

Additionally, there are other means to give your wife that affection you speak of. Maybe have a discussion about what else you can do for her that you are comfortable with. Be prepared to compromise a bit, as she is essentially forced to compromise for you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dowzin,
Is affection code for sex? Or is it hugs and hand holding that you are having friction over?

QUOTE=Dowzin;916628]So what happens when the amount of affection you want is different than that of your spouse? I recently joined this website because of this question. I have been married 1 yr and everything so far has been great. However, recently there have been times when I find my wife demanding more affection than I want to give at that moment, and have a hard time faking affection when not in the mood. 
By nature, I am not overly affectionate, but I can't seem to explain this to my wife in a way that doesn't make her feel self-conscious and vulnerable. Right now we are in our first major relationship issue, and I don't know what to do about it. For now she has pretty much shut down, and I have had a very difficult time communicating with her. Now she doesn't want to show affection for fear of perceived rejection. 
I guess this is why people say that marriage takes hard work and dedication and I feel that it has been easy up to this point for us. I am willing to put in the work because I love her and want this relationship to succeed. I just don't know where to start. Thanks in advance for your responses,[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus loves T.L.C. so our "normal" is rather frequent... and at times, exhausting. Every couple is going to be different, and some people are just more affectionate then others.


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## Dowzin (Jul 17, 2012)

@11363, no i am not referring to affection in that way. Although sex is part of what i consider affection, in this case i am referring to non-sexual displays of affection. 
We had a v long discussion last night, and she is still upset with me for not accepting her affection, but i think we are progressing in the right direction, thanks to our talk (@Kingsfan). It was good to "check in" because we discussed a variety of different topics including spending more time apart (i.e. hanging out with friends, trips). In the first 365 days of our marriage, i think we spent just about 363 of them together with little time to ourselves or personal activities. While this is a different subject, i think that it is related in a sense that time apart can build a need for affection or too much time together can do the opposite. 
I guess this begs the followup question, how much time (outside of work) should be dedicated to personal activities and/or vacations away from your loved one? We are still trying to figure that out, and i am sure it is different for all couples. 
We have realized, as probably all couples do, that not all of our preferred activities are preferred by the other, and actually can be uncomfortable and lead to relationship strain.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Dowzin said:


> I guess this begs the followup question, how much time (outside of work) should be dedicated to personal activities and/or vacations away from your loved one? We are still trying to figure that out, and i am sure it is different for all couples.
> We have realized, as probably all couples do, that not all of our preferred activities are preferred by the other, and actually can be uncomfortable and lead to relationship strain.


I'm glad the talk was generally positive. Be sure to have another talk in a few days or a week or so. Give her and yourself time to diguest what was said, but don't leave it to long before you talk again.

About your above question, that's harder to say. You should spend time apart just to make sure your connections with your friends don't go away either. For my current relationship, my rule is that we shouldn't be apart for several hours EVERY day, and we should spend at least a bit of time together EVERY day. What that means is, it's fine for me or her to go hang out with friends for several hours in a day, just not every day, and that we should try and find time each ay to spend a bit of time together, even just to talk. Taking tonight for example, I'm going to my friends house and we're going to just hang out, and will do so for likely 3-5 hours. But I'll come home around 10-10:30 and we'll likely talk for an hour or two before bed, even if it's just about our day or what's on tv or whatever. We might not even talk, just watch TV or get on the computer (we made sure our computers were in the same room always).


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## [email protected] (Jul 13, 2012)

Dowzin - you bring up a great point.

In my case, I work a 4 day work and am gone from home about 12 hours - 6:30am to 6:30pm. She's usually in bed by 8:30 or 9 - I say in bed cause it's usually another 30 to 60 minutes of tv and phone/internet from there before she falls asleep.
Thursday night I play men's volleyball.

From my standpoint, that otherwise leaves 2 hours a night for family time & prepping for the next workday. Weekends are usually hanging out with our neighbors or friends.


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