# Hardest decision to make



## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Hi all, 

I've been reading these forums for a longer while and finally mustered up the courage to post here. I've been together with my partner for almost seven years, and we have a beautiful 3½ year old child together. I'm 30 and my partner is 34. 

We've been going to therapy for the last three years to help us sort out problems we've had in our relationship and our current therapists is the 4th one we're seeing (and the best one in both of our opinions). During the time spent in therapy I've gotten a much clearer view of our situation and of some of the key factors behind causing it (on both of our parts). We've gotten stuck in the very traditional active/passive-spiral, in which I am the active one and my partner the passive shutting down one. The area in our relationship where the problems manifest are intimacy and sex (there is very little of both).

Now years later I can see how I've contributed to the current state of things. When we first met, I fell in love with my partner but she was unsure about her feelings and it continued for years. She didn't know if she wanted a relationship with me or if she liked me in that way, but I wanted to be with her and like a little puppy took whatever treatment I got with loving eyes. I'm not blaming her for any of this, I'm the one who lacked the backbone to make a stand at that time and I was just so afraid of losing her if I was adamant about my wants and wishes. And I naively hoped that things would work out like in fairy tales. 

So then years later when I woke up to the fact that I'm unhappy and want a change in our relationship, we had already established a way of being together, and I think she is comfortable with the way things are (at the time she wants to focus on work and our child, not our relationship). It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I've found that missing backbone and I've finally been able to say aloud that without a change our relationship is not going to survive.

So this is where we are. My partner is not willing to give any promises about making a change, but she has promised to try. So far after six months of trying things haven't improved. There was a two mothns activity spurt but now things are pretty much back to how they used to be. She says she needs more time, and how much time is something she has no anwer for. So right now I'm feeling my choices are either to stick around and give her the time she needs (which could be months, years, decades, or something that never happens) or state that these terms are unacceptable and either we find a working solution or start preparing for a separation. 

I'm just at loss with all this. I love her and I know it in my heart she and I could be happy together, and I want to grow old together and have more children. But at the same time I'm having hard time believing in myself in that I could achieve a permanent change in our dynamics, and in her (that she'd be truly willing to put our relationship first and put the needed effort in it). 

Two and a half weeks ago I told her that I would like to continue the last discussion we had in our therapy for a little bit; that there is something I wish to tell her. She told me now is not a good time. During the following week I asked three time if now would be a good time and it never was. Then I told her that I'd e-mail her my thoughts and asked for her to reply. After a week with not reply I told her I was hurt and disappointed and felt like I am not as important to her as other things in her life (that she'd never treat friends, work collagues like that, or accept same kind of behaviour from me). I asked that he'd reply to it in the next few days and she promised. Now three days later I've gotten no response. Right now I'm feeling like this is the last straw. 

In my eyes it reflects well how our dynamics works at the moment, and I'm feeling like this is a moment in which I need to make a stand. But I am still a little lost with my backbone and unsure about the appropriate level of response. I want to tell her that I know she has a lot on her plate right now, but this can not go on and that I am not going to tolerate her treating me this way. If she wants to give us a shot, she needs to start respecting my wishes and needs and treating me better. 

Does that sound under/over-reacting to the situation or like an appropriate response?


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Well, we had a lengthy talk last week and a follow-up talk two days later. The discussion was good on both times, though it did not offer any resolution to our situation, just little more clarity. 

I was able to define and set one more boundary and that felt good. At the moment she wants more time to work on herself to be able to work on our relationship and how much time that is, she can't say. I told her that I understand that she works hard with herself and I'll do my best to give her more time, but this situation has been going on so for long, I'm getting close to the end of the road. I too can not give any promises about how long I can wait. We'll try our best and if that's not enough, then there's nothing more we can do. 

At the moment I'm not feeling all that optimistic about our relationship. Last night we had a small discussion after she rejected an invitation I made to cuddle, and she feels that sex and intimacy should not be responsibilities in a relationship. I agree with her on some level, but this is something we disagree on to some extent aswell. I don't want anyone to be intimate with me because she or he has to, but because they want to. In my eyes it's both parties responsibility in a relationship to take care of themselves and their part of the relationship enough to keep intimacy and sex at a level both can be content on (even if it is an compromise). I put a lot of work and effort into responding to her wishes and needs (because I feel that to be my responsibility and honor as her partner) and I expect the same from her. 

In my eyes if you want to be free of responsibilities and chains, you better stay out of relationships of any kind. All relationships contain responsibilities. Well, we agreed to talk about that at MC the next time we go. 

Thanks for reading - it really helped to ease my mind to write this all down!


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## HeartLikeMine (Oct 3, 2011)

She should be glad that you WANT to cuddle. From an outside view, you are being treated with little or no respect. I do not think you were over-reacting to the situation. I think it's good that ya'll are addressing these issues and working on things....but at some point you have to wonder....should a relationship take this much "work"?
Love should be mostly fun, exciting and natural. 
Best of luck


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Thanks HeartLikeMine! 

Things are moving forward. At our last therapy session I said that I am not ready to stay in this relationship if there is not continuous effort on both parts to make this relationship better than what it is at the moment. And that at the moment it feels to me like my partner still needs something before she can start working on us. The therapist continued from there and the end result was that my partner told out she is really tired and just struggling to keep it all together (which is what I've been telling her too). Today my partner took a sick-leave from work. For the start she got 2 weeks off, but I'm hoping that it continues as long as it needs for her to get her energy back. I'm glad we were able to discuss this in therapy. It wasn't enough for her to hear me say it, she needed a professional to tell her to rest. 

I don't know how or where things go from here, but this is a start. If she puts enough effort into getting her life back on track, we might have a chance.

EDIT: We also agreed in therapy to take a 1½ month vacation from our relationships. Which means no trying, no effort, no negative stuff during that time. To me vacation right now would mean making the distance that is between us visible, and we agreed to do that. We'll live more separate lives for the upcoming month and half and we'll sleep in separate bedrooms. Last night was the first night, and I slept better than in ages.


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## Really (Oct 18, 2011)

So you're doing a separation in the same house, or am I reading that wrong?

I ask because my partner wants to discuss a trial separation and I'm reeling from it. I'm looking for others who are engaged in or have been through a separation to give some guidance on what did and didn't work for them.

She wants to talk about it tonight and I'm just trying to get my head wrapped around this entire thing...

Thanks and hope things continue to go well for you.


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

Thanks for the reply, Really. I don't see our situation as being separated in the same household. To me this is making the distance that has been between us visible. We mostly just sleep in our bed and if I want to get close before sleeptime, it usually is a very short hug. She rarely wants to get close before going to sleep. To me that hurts, because the moments we go to bed together are sometimes the first moments of the day when we have time for us. I understand she perceives it differently - she sees it as time for ourselves. But I can't look at it like that. If I want time for myself, I go to bed alone, not with another person and that's what we're doing now. 

I read your thread and I wish you a lot of strenght during your separation. I work on a social sector and my partner often says that she feels bulldozed in coversations with me because I can use such fancy words. It hurts that she feels that way, because all I wish to do is communicate and have a common understanding. Therapy has been a great help for us in finding a common language to communicate on. 

Based on the quotes from your discussion it felt to me that she wasn't ready to communicate with you yet - but was rather hiding behind fancy semi-therapeutic sentences instead of talking about her feelings. The expression it gave to me is that maybe she is hurting too at the moment and needs time to find how to get in touch with her emotions? Also, I know that some professional helpers are reluctant about seeking professional help.  I could be way off with this, just the feeling I got from your thread. 

I'm not the best person to give advices - especially when I am unsure if we have what it takes to make it through this crisis in our relationship. But I wish you and your family all the best luck and I hope that neither of you give up on your relationship.


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

My partner was on a "out of town hotel vacation" for four days and returned yesterday evening. This break from her has been a real eye-opener. I hadn't realized how much her fatigue had influensed our daily life. In the four days she was gone, I was able to clean the house and get a lot of stuff organized. This has given me lots to think about - mainly: "why does her fatigue influense me so much?" 

Also, this change in our situation has made me think about my well-being aswell. For the time being I really need to focus on basics - which are our child, getting enough sleep and getting enough excercise to stay in good spirit. The first week has went well and with my new focus I'm feeling better than in a long time. Also, sleeping in separate bedrooms has felt really good. I've slept better than in ages. 

I've been also thinking about our future during the last week. We are engaged to be married and I find myself unsure wether I want to get married to her. My main issue at this time is that she feels that if things don't work out between us, we can always divorce. Even though I am not part of the church I still feel marriage to be sacred. I only want to get married once in my life and if I do get married, I want to know that we're both in this for life. I am fine with living engaged for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes, but I am not ready to be married to someone who feels divorce to be an option. 

Other thing I've been thinking about is our hopes to get a second child. My partner really badly wants another child, but I am concerned about a lot of things. The birth of the first child has brought a long break in the intimacy between us, and so far we haven't made any visible progress to mend that break. My main concern is that this will happen again with the second child. Also, at the moment with no concrete change in our situation I don't think we are ready for the second child. 

During this fall I've had many mind-blowing moments of clarity and I now feel like I have a better understanding of my boundaries and also of my role in how things have gotten in this bad shape. With having a better understanding of my own boundaries, I've realized that I don't know her boundaries and I don't know if she's willing to work on a compromise between our boundaries/hopes/etc. And I understand that her fatigue/depression/[whatever it is] has prevented us from moving forward. I think that at the moment she is just struggling to survive with day-to-day life and there's no room in her head for our relationship. I hope she gets well and after that we can maybe again get back on working on us. 

I think that's something we need to discuss in the therapy next time (that is this the time to work on our relationship, or is this a time in which she needs to focus on getting well again, or can we do both simultaneously).


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