# Newly separated



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I'm new here. I've been separated from my husband for 2 weeks now and I've been reading people's experiences on this site and finding it really helpful just to know that I'm not the only 1 going through such a painful time....

I've been married for 5 years, no kids yet but I really wanted to start trying  My husband told me he wanted to separate 3 weeks ago saying he wanted 'space' to think and he was not sure if he loved me anymore of if the marriage could survive. He said he felt I was too controlling of him, he had lost who he is as a person and that I critisized him too much, he said he resented me for trying to make him into the person I wanted him to be instead of just accepting him. From my point of view, I didn't feel he looked after me, supported me or truely cared for my feelings to the point of being very selfish. About 18 months ago I discovered he had an affair....which he had outright denied and lied about until I confronted him with irrefutable proof.....even then I still think he never told me the whole truth and says it was 'only' an EA, while I think it was likely it was sexual too....I don't feel able to trust him and now with him wanting a separation I wonder if there is another woman involved - although he denies it point blank.

I just feel so rejected and hurt, the pain is so much. I really thought I put a lot of sacrifice, hopes and effort into making our marriage work and trying to get over and forgive his affair. I just feel as if it was so easy for him to throw me away and out of his life. Now I am so confused as to what I want. I love him but this just too painful and too much hurt to bare. I'm lost and lonely, all my hopes and dreams for the future have crumbled away and I'm scared I'll never had the family I dreamed of.

I would be so grateful for any advice on how to cope and get through this, I just feel that my life is crumbling around me.


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## wherenext (Sep 14, 2010)

Im sorry for what you're going through marigold.... i know its hard. Have you guys talked about counseling? I would see if he's willing to do that, at least ask him to give it a try before throwing it away. if he's not willing, then maybe he is still carrying on the affair, or a different one. it sounds like he's giving up way too easily. 

I do know that the pain will subside, and you'll get to a place of acceptance and hope. right now, my anger is gone, and im just feeling acceptance and hope, but also fear. but at least i have hope, where before, in my marriage, I had none.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you wherenext....we did try marriage counseling after his affair, we only did about 4 sessions in the end, it did help a bit but in the end we decided to leave it for a while as I was starting a new job at the time and it was emotionally too much, he was unemployed at the time....he didn't respond well in the counseling sessions to negative comments on his behaviour and got very affronted so it was difficult to talk about what I felt, even with the counselor. I suggested trying counseling again this time when he said we should separate....he wasn't completely against it but still said he would only go to counseling in the context of separation as he needed 'space to think'. I think he doesn't want to try anymore, he has spent the last year at least intentionally distancing himself from me...going out with friends, excluding me etc and he even admits to that, he says because in his mind he had given up on the marriage, which is why i think another woman (maybe the same one as before) might be in the picture ....

Its good to hear that you now have got hope though, which I know is better than being in a hope-less marriage

Do you think it would be best to do counseling on my own, or if he agrees, go with him together?


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