# Tales of a Walk Away and Come Back Again Wife



## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Hello all. Like others, I've lurked here for quite some time. Gotten some fantastic advice second hand from the posts of others. Guess it's finally time to tell my tale and get the advice I so desperately need. Trust you all to be honest and frank. You will be the first people to hear my whole story. That fact makes my palms sweat and my heart race. Anyway, here goes...

Married my husband young. We had been bf/gf on and off for several years before I got pregnant. His parents pushed him into marriage at 18. I was 16. He confessed about 4 years ago that he felt pressured into it, to "do the right thing". 

We had our first child and 14 months later had another. Neither were planned but both were honored, cherished and adored. Even as children ourselves, we made the conscious and adult decision for me to be a SAHM. 

Naturally, our marriage had ups and downs. Good times and bad times. I always felt we had an honest, genuine love and we were best friends. We've been married 22 years now and together almost 30. Our daughters are now grown and making their own way in the world. Successfully, I might add.

Being married and having 2 children so young did cause hardships. We moved frequently and basically lived paycheck to paycheck. The stress caused numerous arguments and some physical assaults. Some initiated by him, some by me. 

His "confessions" began around our 10th - 12th years of marriage. We would get a bit of a buzz and start talking about things in the past. Guess I'll start at the beginning, when I knew in my heart and gut something wasn't right.

When pregnant with our 2nd, I had to live with my parents for a while with our oldest who was a year old. He lived in a house with a co-worker and two female roommates. One Sunday, he was visiting us at my parents. He stayed seated in the chair beside the phone. It rang, he answered and had a few word conversation with the person on the other end. After some prodding, I got him to tell me that it was the 17 year old girl who was a roommate in the house. He said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. She had called him to let him know because they had become friends, "she was like a sister to him" and he was concerned since he knew how hard having a baby was when you are young. He said her bf was a POS. 

Red flags were flying but I was naïve and trusting. When he was at his house, I called a few times and she answered. One time, he admitted to laying in the bed with her, "just watching tv". That set me off and I had a fit. There were numerous other things about his time there that concerned me greatly. In hindsight, I should have known.

During his "confessions", he admitted to performing oral sex on her. Claimed it was the other female roommate's fault because they were all watching porn together and she said she wanted to watch them. He claims that the 17 year old came into his bedroom one night after he'd been drinking and threw herself at him. He performed oral on her to completion but they did nothing else. He also told me particulars about her body and what he liked about it. He said she talked dirty during the act and it turned him on a lot. 

He also went to strip clubs numerous times, behind my back and bold-faced lied about it. I remember one time particularly, when pregnant with my 2nd, he was drawing plans because he wanted to open a strip club. We were laying in bed and he was rocking me. I questioned him about it. Couldn't understand why he'd want to open one if he'd never been to one. He held me tight and swore that he would never go to one, never had and would never do anything like that to me. Stupidly, I believed him again even though my guts said otherwise. Turns out, every time I would go visit my parents, he would visit strip clubs with his buddies. 

There is a question of an indiscretion with my sister. Both adamantly deny. He's never confessed about anything with her, probably because he knows that would end it permanently. 

During his "confessions", he admitted to going with my older brother looking for prostitutes. He claims they ended up at a jack-shack/lingerie place. They both chose a girl and went to the rooms. He says she gave him some lotion and tissues and sat him in a chair. Then turned on music and began dancing. He asked her about more because he didn't want to do it himself. She said for the right $.... He claims that turned him off and during the 2nd song, my brother opened the door and said essentially, let's get out of here, she wants me to do it myself. 

He admitted to a ONS with a mutual friend. This was during a time when we were separated, at about year 5 of our marriage.

He admitted to dancing with other girls and getting phone numbers. He claims he had an opportunity to be with 2 girls early in our marriage but backed out at the last minute because of me. When he went to another state to look for work/housing for us to move, he lived with a male and 2 (female) bi-sexual lovers. The 3 of them (my H and the 2 girls) took a several day long trip. He states he begged them to let him watch but they wouldn't do more than kiss in front of him.

There are other indiscretions but I'm not recalling them at the moment. Thankfully. 

Basically, he "admitted" these things but in every single instance he was never at fault. It was always someone else's fault or mine. For example, the almost 3some was because we had had a fight and I went to spend the night with my parents to cool off. The incident with my brother was out of his control because he wasn't driving. Etc., etc., etc.

After soaking in the confessions, I began to ask questions and put the puzzle pieces together. Throughout our whole marriage, when my gut instincts told me something was wrong, he told me I was crazy, paranoid, gas lighted, blame shifted, etc., etc., etc. His stories changed, too. When confronted with the discrepancies, he lied some more or claimed to not remember or even just flat out said he didn't know why he lied. 

After confessing about the 17 year old (he was 20), the next morning after sobering up, I was crying in the shower. He heard me and came in. Asked what was wrong. I told him that I felt differently about him and was hurt. He yelled, told me he would never discuss any of those things again and would not be punished for being honest or for his past. He said he was just a kid that needed to sow his wild oats and had gotten married too young. He constantly claimed to be changed and hadn't done anything with anyone else for years.

All his incidents from that day forward were rug-swept. Any time I felt the need to discuss, he became angry to the point of ridiculousness. Basically told me to shut up and get over it or our marriage was over, that he was a good guy now.

This all changed me. I became hyper-sexual and did everything imaginable to ensure he would never feel the need for anyone but me again. This resulted in us opening up to each other, discussing fantasies, going to strip clubs, even discussing a MFF threesome. This behavior continued for about 5 years. We bonded. We had a wonderful marriage and fantastic sex life. Then slowly, around year 15 of our marriage, his desire started to wane and things went downhill. In hindsight, I believe it started when I admitted that the threesome idea wasn't something I actually wanted to do and was best as a fantasy.

He stopped wanting to discuss fantasies. We stopped watching porn together. Sex went to 1-2 times per week, always on the weekends and always under his conditions. This brought up the past indiscretions for me (triggers) and I became highly insecure. Tried everything: seduction, lingerie, dirty talk/messages, initiating hard core, teasing... Nothing worked. He claimed he was tired from work, had too much stress, was getting older (he was about 32-33 at the time this started), etc., etc., etc.

I endured and tried talking to him. About everything. Any mention of my fears, triggers and the past set him off and pushed him further away. Sex on the weekends became duty sex. I was merely an object for his release and could sense it. Any questions about what could be done to spice things up, help him, increase his libido were met with, "I don't have a problem and am just fine with how things are. Why do you insist on starting a fight?" He was right, any discussion of anything of a sexual nature ended up in a huge fight, hurt feelings and ugly words being said.

After a few years of this, I unintentionally began disengaging. Had to satisfy myself which became so tiresome and pathetic that I would cry afterwards. He would watch tv knowing what I was doing. I would ask him to come to bed for some fun and he would sit on the couch until the wee hours of the morning. Both of us shut down and shut each other out. After a few years of this, I told him something had to change or I would leave. Every time I attempted conversation about our relationship, he hit the roof or sat stone-cold, unemotional and uninvolved. No discussions. 

Unfortunately, by this time, I was at a rock-bottom with my self-esteem. Had a revenge ONS with a co-worker. Horrible, horrible, horrible. There is no excuse. None. I am ashamed and humiliated. Always will be. About 6 weeks after, I confessed. H kicked me out. 2 weeks after he kicked me out, he visited an Asian massage parlor for the full works. I did not find this out until we reconciled. 

This will be continued...


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Forgot to mention, before my ONS and after several years of attempting everything known to man, including counseling which he adamantly refused, I moved out. Left. Got my own little house with our girls who were in high school. We were separated about 3 months and then began talking again. Agreed to work on the problems in our relationship. Started dating and having sex again. Things seemed to be going well. Moved back in with him after 5 months of separation. He admitted to going to a strip club once during that time. 

Shortly after returning is when things slipped back into the same old routine. His desire shut off except for when he needed the physical release. It was about 18 months of this and continuous effort on my part that my ONS happened. As I said before, there is no excuse for my behavior. I can guarantee it was my first and only infidelity and will NEVER happen again. The hurt he endured was unbearable for me. Unfortunately, I knew all too well what he was experiencing.

After living apart for a couple of months, he began asking questions and demanding answers. He got everything he wanted. I answered everything, even the tough stuff. I was an open book and showed the true remorse I'd always wished from him. He helped me, I helped him. We tried to salvage our marriage and eventually moved back in together. Our sex life was timid and shy. Understandably. He had triggers and anger. I did my best to help him through. 

2 months after moving in, we were having dinner at the bar of our favorite restaurant. The discussion amongst the patrons turned to massages. Knowing him like I do, watching him squirm and be very uncomfortable, I knew immediately and said to him that I knew. He lost his cool. Wanted to know who told. I just knew, even before. It was something he'd admitted to fantasizing about. He was extremely angry and said lots of terrible, hurtful things. Wanted me to leave. I refused and held on for dear life. He did it to get back at me for my revenge ONS. Sheesh, the circles...

Things between us went south again and no amount of effort or attempt of civil discussions changed things. At the beginning of June, I informed him that we needed help. He again (constantly) adamantly refused counseling. All of our problems were with me. I always wanted to fight. He was good to me. Tried to make me happy, tried to be a good husband. 

In truth, he wasn't horrible. He speaks to me sweetly and would surprise me with gifts. Bought me flowers, would take me to dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. But there was nothing besides being roommates in our relationship. We only discussed our children, his hobbies and his wants for the future. Anytime I attempted to discuss my interests, desires or wants ended up in an interruption and conversation shift back to him. I begged, pleaded, cried, everything for resolution to our communication and intimacy difficulties. He stone walled.

One June 15th, after being denied after initiating again as well as denied any discussion of it, I spent my morning crying on the back porch alone. Alone. I'd felt alone for years and years and had spent almost every weekend morning crying out there. Pulling the wagon of our marriage by myself. Wiped my face off, came back in the house, approached him and gave him an ultimatum: either we begin MC immediately or I was leaving. 
He told me to fix myself or he was leaving. That he was tired of being with someone that constantly made him feel inferior and terrible. Sex with me was something he dreaded because it took me so long to O. 

I left. Moved in with a female co-worker and began IC. We spent our 22nd wedding anniversary at an awkward dinner. He constantly and still refuses MC. He claims to like himself the way he is and thinks that I have hormonal issues. We argued, didn't speak, argued some more, blamed each other and then began to miss each other so much that I moved back in 2 weeks ago. Prior to this, we agreed that we would communicate, discuss our issues and work on our marriage. 

Needless to say, that has not happened. Once again, any attempt gets a change of subject quickly. Sex has happened twice, both times were disappointing. There is no foreplay. I'm again lonely, hurt, disappointed and wondering why I returned. The funny thing is, we do love each other. Very much. Neither of us wants to be divorced. 

Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage in our marriage for us to ever be normal and functional? I don't know what to do. Every time I walk away, I come right back. It's always the same vicious cycle. It hurts and the worst part of it all is, my libido and desire are through the roof. Has been for several years. I want and need his acceptance, desire, communication, intimacy, lust, love, etc., etc. Am I wanting something that will never come from him? I just need some advice and guidance. IC has given me coping skills for triggers and anxiety but hasn't addressed anything further yet.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Interesting life. 

You get back what you expect your standards to be. Raise and maintain your expectations for yourself and others. And work on that.

Divorce and restart over if you need to.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

Since he doesn't think he has a problem, how can you work on things together? He's unwilling to work WITH you; that's not a marriage. I would've left his cheating butt a long time ago, but I know people try and work things out even in the face of infidelity, but he was just disgustingly disrespectful! Stick with the IC and hopefully you get the answers you need. I really believe you'd be stronger and more confident without him. Yes, you'll miss him, but are you better off with or without him? As for the libido issue -- I don't believe in having sex with others while you're still married (even if you're separated) but there's always vibrators.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cliff's notes?


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Sounds pretty miserable. I don't think I'd expected it to be a whole lot different in the future. 

You might have to divorce, improve your boundaries and raise your expectations. You should not have treated him that way, but he should not have treated you that way, either.

Perhaps a fresh start is in order. Kids grown?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

WaitForIt... said:


> Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage in our marriage for us to ever be normal and functional?


Yes.

Divorce him, and move on with your life. It would be hard enough to R in this mess if he was remorseful. He's not going to change.

You, anyone, deserves better.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Set yourself free and divorce him. You deserve better than what this pitiful excuse for a husband is willing to give. 

All of his indiscretions were rugswept, he blamed you and anyone and everyone else. He never took responsibility, nor did anything to help you heal. Yet, when you had a ONS you were kicked out. 

I get that you have been with him most of your life, but you still have a lot of life yet to live, and what you describe sounds like a miserable way to live.

Read about the 180, then practice it, live it and begin your next chapter. Then you can meet a wonderful guy that will respect you, treat you with dignity, and love you the way you should be loved.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Cliff's notes?


He is a serial cheater and totally non remorseful. She had a ONS after years of emotional abuse and he made it all about him. Everything is all about him, she gets nothing from him. She stays with him because that's all she knows - they married when she was 16 because she was pregnant. They have physically abused each other.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

WaitForIt... said:


> Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage in our marriage for us to ever be normal and functional? I don't know what to do. Every time I walk away, I come right back. It's always the same vicious cycle. It hurts and the worst part of it all is, my libido and desire are through the roof. Has been for several years. I want and need his acceptance, desire, communication, intimacy, lust, love, etc., etc. Am I wanting something that will never come from him? I just need some advice and guidance. IC has given me coping skills for triggers and anxiety but hasn't addressed anything further yet.


Is there too much hurt, baggage and damage?

No, I don't believe a marriage is ever truly beyond salvaging. But both spouses need to want to salvage the marriage. Your husband doesn't seem to want the marriage as much as he wants to rugsweep everything so he doesn't have to deal with his issues or the issues in the marriage. My recommendation is that he needs a heavy duty wakeup call. I would file for divorce and tell him that he has until the divorce becomes final to join you in working to fix and improve the marriage. This puts a definite timetable on things and if he continues to procrastinate or ignore the issues he will end up divorced. If that happens then you know there was no saving the marriage anyway and you can move on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think your H has been having his 'needs' fulfilled elsewhere for pretty much the length of your marriage. By now it's a way of life for him and certainly it is the very fabric of your marriage in his mind. He would have to completely reorient the way he views you and your M, in my opinion. He would have to move to the next level, the more adult level, where partners have love and empathy and desire and loyalty.

He's stuck in a mindset of your past. You should get your own IC, move on with what is good for yourself, for your own life & see if he has the maturity and courage to change himself in response to the changes in you. If you don't do this, you are stuck because he is stuck. You are still young & you don't have to live your entire life like this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

He's a serial cheat 

Get checked for stds and move on with your life without him in it. 

Do not lower yourself to his moral standards by cheating again. You do not deserve his crap. You can do better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Thank you everyone, sincerely. I'll be 39 next month, he's 40, our daughters are grown, go to college and live on their own. They're surprisingly very well adjusted "adults". 

Hope1964, your cliff notes were perfect and exactly on target. Thanks for making my novel into something clear and concise. Just wanted everyone to know almost all of it so I could get accurate advice. Sorry it was so long. 

As for the physical violence, I have not put one hand on him in at least 15 years. Maybe longer. He's had his moments in the last 10 years. Probably 3 or 4 incidents where I felt attacked, the last one being 13 months ago. I had to come home early from a business trip because my sister was dying from cancer. They called the family in. I had previously told him that I had to go to dinner with co-workers and bosses. Spoke to him before the dinner and once in the restroom during. We finished dinner, I promptly left and called him as I walked back to the hotel. No joke, about 20 minutes of no contact. Well, the evening I arrived home he was livid about that 20 minutes. Hit the roof that he called me and I didn't answer. When I stood up to him and told him to get a hold of himself and that nothing was going on he threw his 40 oz. beer bottle at me causing a huge bruise on my thigh. So, I had to leave the next morning to travel several states over to say goodbye to my sister with an ugly bruise on my leg. While getting dressed with my younger sister for the funeral a few days later, she saw it. I was mortified.

I have no desire to be unfaithful again. Been down that road once and it nearly ate me alive. Lying, hiding, sneaking, cheating is not me. It causes entirely too much damage to both people, the BS and WS. Or did in my case, anyway. Now, I have the shame of the knowledge of what I've done. In a way, it makes me feel no better than him. The funny thing is, he informed everyone. Both sides of the family, our children, friends, everyone. I've told no one about the extent of his indiscretions except this post now. My younger sister knows a few things but that's it.

We made an agreement years ago to not lash out physically in anger, not say things that are hurtful or devastating or call each other names. I have stuck to that promise. He has not. As a matter of fact, about one month into our recent separation he sent me a text that basically said, "why don't you go f_ck another guy while I'm at hunting camp?". When he feels rejected, he lashes out and it is ugly.

I've been monitoring him for signs, evidence, anything regarding him cheating again for several years. Had a few gut feelings but found nothing. When I walked away the first time, he did date someone. Claims it was only a lunch date. Said she got on his nerves and he didn't pursue another. His sister said they went out several times and the OW just dropped him. She obviously had no idea if they were physical. Also, his best friend and his wife tried to set him up with someone. No idea if it panned out. Getting the truth out of those people (him included) is like squeezing blood from a stone. He also responded to a Craigslist ad for a woman wanting to date. Never saw a reply from her.

So, since his couple of years of confessions, trickle truths, gas lighting, blame shifting and rug sweeping, I haven't found evidence of anything. Found porn on his phone once. This was months after we set our boundaries that included no porn without the other. When confronted, he stated, word for word "there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see some ti--ies and if you touch my phone again I will cram it down your d_mn throat.". Didn't care at all that he had broken a promise and was angry at me for weeks for invading his privacy. 

Haven't looked at his phone again but I do have the passwords to all his accounts. The ones I know about anyway. I can view the cell phone statement and haven't found anything. He appears to be clean and has been for about 10 years. There are some weird memories and situations that have raised red flags during these years. My gut told me something wasn't right but I haven't found any evidence. Nothing.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

One other thing, had full STD tests twice in the past 18 months and I'm in the clear. Thankfully!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WaitForIt... said:


> Found porn on his phone once. This was months after we set our boundaries that included no porn without the other. When confronted, he stated, word for word "there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see some ti--ies and if you touch my phone again I will cram it down your d_mn throat.". Didn't care at all that he had broken a promise and was angry at me for weeks for invading his privacy.
> 
> Haven't looked at his phone again


Do you not see what is WRONG with this picture???????


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

WaitForIt...

If you read other posts, you will find that the TAM community is very tough on those who have had affairs. Based on your story, I think what you find here, and as I also support you, is that you definitely get a pass on your own ONS. Don't beat yourself over that anymore, you have more than owned up to it, and frankly, if there was ever a case for a ONS (as you have been physically abused, emotionally abused etc) on your part, I could actually understand it. But you should definitely seek therapy for yourself based on what you have been through.

I believe you when you say you won't stray again...but save that for the next guy that comes into your life and treats you the right way.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

I know all too well that this marriage is not good for me. Guess I just need the validation and support from other survivors. I will find my strength and walk away for good. Come what may, there's GOT to be a better life out there. Now, someone show up with the 2X4 please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)




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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Something I have trouble wrapping my mind around.

"When pregnant with our 2nd, I had to live with my parents for a while with our oldest who was a year old. He lived in a house with a co-worker and two female roommates. One Sunday, he was visiting us at my parents. He stayed seated in the chair beside the phone. It rang, he answered and had a few word conversation with the person on the other end. After some prodding, I got him to tell me that it was the 17 year old girl who was a roommate in the house. He said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was negative. She had called him to let him know because they had become friends, "she was like a sister to him" and he was concerned since he knew how hard having a baby was when you are young. He said her bf was a POS. 
"

Why was he living in a place like this?? It is like leaving a kid in a candy store with no one around.

He is not the man for you if he can not honor you. Let him die old and alone.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

lewmin said:


> Based on your story, I think what you find here, and as I also support you, is that you definitely get a pass on your own ONS.


Not from me she doesn't. No one gets a free pass on a ONS.

There is always an option to leave the relationship altogether if it's that bad that the only possible alternative is to betray a partner by having sex with someone else. 

Sorry, no pass from me.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

He was living there because we were between apartments. I was 18 years old, my parents didn't want him at their house. He moved in with a co-worker and I had no idea the younger girl was there until I went to spend the night about a month into it. I was a kid who loved and fully trusted my husband. I stupidly believed he only had eyes for me. My mother warned me but I believed he was different.

Yeah, right. She used to always tell me, "A hard d_ck has no conscience". I'd argue with her about it. Now I see how right she was. She also warned me about letting my best friend live with us when she left her husband when my children were very small. Stupid me believed that he couldn't stand her. Little did I know he was trying to get with her and they made out several times on my couch while I was in our bed. Needless to say, once that little "confession" came out, she was no longer my friend.

Also, I don't give myself a pass for the ONS. As I've stated, there is absolutely no excuse. NONE. It was stupid, selfish, immature, hurtful, purposeful and purely for revenge. I am morbidly ashamed of myself and will, forever, regret it as the worst thing I've ever done. 

The issue I'm having now is:
Why was he allowed to rug sweep his infidelities and I was never allowed to question, bring them up, trigger, anything that would make him uncomfortable? But with my indiscretion, I'm punished daily. He withholds sex and states he has a lot of things to recover from. He gets angry if I casually mention another male, regardless of the context. This happened just last night. Yet I am expected to pretend like everything in his past never happened. His answer to this is that he was a young kid when he did those things, I was a full grown adult. 

Just angry today. Sorry. My counseling session was unproductive last night and only resulted in bringing up a lot of anger. I'm beginning to feel as if she agrees with my husbands' views because of some of the things she says, which are:

- The past is the past, leave it alone no matter what.
- His mistakes were 10 (+/-) years ago, mine was recent.
- I hold onto my resentments because I feel most comfortable having strife in my relationship. (?!)
AND
- I secretly, subconsciously refuse to forgive him because I have a need to punish him by projecting my sexual issues on him thereby making it out as though he is the problem.

She has never even spoken to him. Maybe I need to find another counselor. I'll shut up now.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

If you don't feel right with the way the counselor is acting towards you, then by all means address it with them and move on. You are paying for the help, and not to be judged. IF all you feel is that you are being judged and not helped then try another counselor, as plenty exist out there. I did this with mine. It was funny how the WW wanted me to stagy with the counselor that berated me, yet she was all against the other 2 that didn't agree with a thing she said. My parents went through several before they found the one they both could trusty and felt helped them and their marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say you came here for the experience of the people who post in the forum. Many people here think your H is a serial cheater. I'm one of them. His behavior indicates that his cheating has been ongoing, not something that is ten years in the past. It's a way of life with him, just like living with his nonsense is a way of life with you.

One of the advantages of marrying so young is that you have a lot of life left when it goes truly south. I would get rid of the counselor and the WH if I were you & start my new, better life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> He is a serial cheater and totally non remorseful. She had a ONS after years of emotional abuse and he made it all about him. Everything is all about him, she gets nothing from him. She stays with him because that's all she knows - they married when she was 16 because she was pregnant. They have physically abused each other.


Thank you, ma'am! Sometimes these posts are way too long and it would be so cool if they came with an automatic 3-liner saying what it's really about.

Lol.

:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


>


I am lost here. What is that supposed to mean?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I am lost here. What is that supposed to mean?


The post before that was ended with the OP asking for someone to show up with the 2x4 and there it is!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WaitForIt... said:


> The issue I'm having now is:
> Why was he allowed to rug sweep his infidelities and I was never allowed to question, bring them up, trigger, anything that would make him uncomfortable? But with my indiscretion, I'm punished daily. He withholds sex and states he has a lot of things to recover from. He gets angry if I casually mention another male, regardless of the context. This happened just last night. Yet I am expected to pretend like everything in his past never happened. His answer to this is that he was a young kid when he did those things, I was a full grown adult.


Why? Because you let him. YOU let him get away with this crap.

Unless you're willing to start meeting his asininity with consequences, you might as well just keep banging your head against that brick wall.

He's proven to you for - what, 20? 25? years that he's a complete jerk. Yet you keep coming back for more. Do you like being his punching bag?


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Exactly what I need, Hope. Some tough love. Tell it like it is. I need help and guidance here. Someone to help me out of the fog so I can stand up for myself. At least until I'm able to plant my own two feet on the ground and scream, ENOUGH!

No, I don't like being his punching bag. I hate it. I am depressed and unhappy with him. I have so many unanswered questions and constantly walk on eggshells for fear something I'll say will set him off. 

A good example: Last night, while cooking dinner, I asked him if he knew what remorse mean. He responded with, "yes, why would you ask me that?". I told him no reason, you know my mind jumps from subjects quickly. Asked him then if he'd ever felt remorse. He said yes, when he had to put his beloved dog down. Then became very defensive and wanted to know where my line of questioning came from. Refused to answer any more questions and was cold the rest of the night.

His mother confided to me when we were first married that he was diagnosed as a sociopath by his psychologist when he was around 17 years old. Asked him a few years ago about that and he claimed it was because he did nothing but lie and make up crazy stories during this therapy. Said he thought it was bullsh_t his parents made him go so he figured he'd give them his money's worth. Also claims that experience is why he will NEVER go to counseling again.

I want to know how to proceed here please. I'm lost as to what my next step should be. I would prefer to have full disclosure, a show of remorse and empathy in my attempt to overcome all of his indiscretions and a healing within my marriage.

I'm not stupid, don't believe in unicorns and know that will probably never happen. The hope is killing me and hard to let go of though. As long as I don't bring up the past or show it still hurts sometimes, things are fine with him. As long as I don't mention any of my insecurities, troubled feelings or confusion everything is ok. As long as I keep a smile on my face and never, ever mention anything of a sexual nature, it's all good in this household. 

I personally think it's bullsh_t that I constantly have to pretend and I won't do it anymore. 

So...all of you wonderful people with the great advice...
What should my next step be? Confront with ultimatums and pray for the resurrection of my marriage or just walk away, again?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If his diagnosis is truely a sociopath there is no hope for him. I would refuse to work with a sociopath in my line of work as a counselor. They are not worth my time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you should walk away. Save yourself. You are living your life, not his. Yours. Go live it and try to find some happiness.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's ultimatum time. He either steps up to the plate or he packs his **** and gets the hell out.

Here's a link to my own story. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/32264-hello.html#post434954

The day I found out what my husband was up to I kicked him out. That was March 2010, and today we DO have the marriage I want, and he IS truly remorseful. So it can happen. But unfortunately it's rare.

You need to see a lawyer first and go over your options and get the ball rolling. Start divorce proceedings. If by some miracle he DOES come around, TRULY come around, you can stop it at any time. Hell, if in five years he finally gets it you can get remarried. But do it NOW. Take your newfound resolve and hang onto it for dear life, because it's going to desert you sooner or later. Probably sooner.

You're going to wake up tomorrow or next week and wonder what in the HELL you are doing, divorcing this man you've been with your whole life. After all, things aren't really THAT bad, are they?? I suggest you print off your last post and keep it in your purse and READ it OFTEN. Remind yourself what a jerk he really is. Actually, print off this whole thread.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

"A good example: Last night, while cooking dinner, I asked him if he knew what remorse mean. He responded with, "yes, why would you ask me that?". I told him no reason, you know my mind jumps from subjects quickly. Asked him then if he'd ever felt remorse. He said yes, when he had to put his beloved dog down. Then became very defensive and wanted to know where my line of questioning came from. Refused to answer any more questions and was cold the rest of the night."

Damn this is sad he felt more for his dog than he does for you. Time to jump off the Titanic the boat is sinking fast


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

WaitForIt... said:


> I would prefer to have full disclosure, a show of remorse and empathy in my attempt to overcome all of his indiscretions and a healing within my marriage.


You are *never* going to get this from him. You have two choices, file for a D, find a *better* counselor and then find someone deserving of your love OR spend the next 40 or 50 years like this before you die. 

He has told you in words and actions that he is never going to change. The abuse, and likely his infidelities are not going to stop unless you leave him. Whichever choice you make, you will have to accept that you will never get the remorse, affirmations, love etc. that you need from your husband. *He cannot give that which he does not have.*


I quoted this to go with


WaitForIt... said:


> I hate it. I am depressed and unhappy with him. I have so many unanswered questions and constantly walk on eggshells for fear something I'll say will set him off.


this....



WaitForIt... said:


> As long as I don't bring up the past or show it still hurts sometimes, things are fine with him. As long as I don't mention any of my insecurities, troubled feelings or confusion everything is ok. As long as I keep a smile on my face and never, ever mention anything of a sexual nature, it's all good in this household.
> 
> I personally think it's bullsh_t that I constantly have to pretend and I won't do it anymore.


It _is_ bullsh_t. That's why it feels like that. It's also very codependent and self-sacrificing behavior. Your happiness in this life is not going to be found in this man. You have to hurt yourself, stifle yourself, treat yourself like less of a person just to be treated like crap on a good day - which seems to be the placid state of your marriage. But if you cross the line and GASP actually have a need or the "audacity" to speak up and you get abused.

Please hear me when I say that: YOU ALONE ARE ENOUGH. YOU MATTER. STOP TAKING THIS CRAP. 



WaitForIt... said:


> So...all of you wonderful people with the great advice...
> What should my next step be? Confront with ultimatums and pray for the resurrection of my marriage or just walk away, again?


The "hope and pray" method doesn't work okay. You need to take some proactive steps, these will be scary for you and hard but SO VERY WORTH IT, to carve out a life for yourself. You have a lot of it left to live. Why live this way?

I also wouldn't advise giving a physically and emotionally abusive pseudo human being an ultimatum unless you want another bruise on your leg (or worse).

You need to figure out a way to leave and leave for good. Talk to lawyers - most give free 1 hour or 1/2 hour consultations. You have rights. If you think you're in danger, file a protection order against him.


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

Thanks everyone. All of your comments and advice has helped, sincerely. 

Last night, we took a short ride on his motorcycle to the store. On the way there, we passed by one of his motorcycle club's friends' house. They were outside so he stopped and chatted with them. Only introduced me by my name, not "this is my wife WaitForIt" as he used to. Red flags all over again.

He's been going to these club meetings for about 5 months. It's a bunch of Harley riders that meet at a house that has been converted into a bar. When he first started going, he invited me but I always declined because I did not want to ride on a motorcycle late at night after he'd been drinking. Plus, it's good to have hobbies/interests solo and he was allowed this Thursday night opportunity. During our separation, he attended regularly and even on weekends. Parties and such. Since I've been home, he has not invited me once and only introducing me by my name last night made me wonder. My guts say it's because there has been questionable behavior during our separation and he does not want to be found out. Could be paranoia as well. I'll never know the truth no matter what and have coldly accepted that fact.

So.... my plan is thus:

This weekend I will be going to my parents' home for a party a few hours away. He will be going to his hunting property and then ultimately will meet me at my parents on Sunday. My family knows some of his past violence and of my unhappiness in the marriage. The difficult part is they do not know the full, true extent of the whole story for all these years. They love him and only see how he dotes on me when they are around. He's very good at doing this. One of my sisters (the one that knows some of the incidents) has even told me in confidence one time when I left him that I will never find someone that loves me as unabashedly as he does and the grass is not always greener. She was afraid I was making a mistake that I would eventually deeply regret. He has been part of my family for 30 years. He is a big brother to my younger sisters and like a son to my parents. He's even been invited to family holiday events while we've been separated.

Anyway, I plan to talk to my parents this weekend before anyone else arrives. They will support me in whatever decision I made but I will have to take their advice with a grain of salt because it will be tainted by their love for him.

When we return home, I will lay everything on the table one last time. He will be given the ultimatum of coming fully clean about everything in the past. He will be willing to answer all of my questions and help me move forward. He will attend MC with me, faithfully. He will no longer stone wall any issues in our marriage. We will discuss all the issues in our marriage and work diligently to improve ourselves and the relationship. Anything it takes from both of us to make it work.

If he does as he's done in the past and refuses these, I will leave that evening and file for divorce. I can do so on my own where we live and after filing the signed papers, it can be complete in approximately 60 days. I have previously contacted an attorney and discovered this as well as gone to the court house and confirmed. Simple process that should cost me around $100 in all. There will be no problem with division of the assets because all of my belongings (except for clothes and shoes) have been in a storage building since he threw me out for the ONS. Almost 2 years I've done without my belongings because he doesn't want them back in the house. And my stupid a$$ allowed that! 

Basically, on Monday, it's my way or the highway. I don't mind leaving this house at all. It's depressing and frankly, I have no hope left in me. Labor Day will begin the Odyssey of WaitForIt. Who knows what will happen but I DO know one thing: we will all find out if he wants to change for a successful and happy marriage.

Taking bets now!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> The post before that was ended with the OP asking for someone to show up with the 2x4 and there it is!


Oh nice! Cool!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't be so hasty about the division of assets. You were married for 30 yrs. 

You are a good woman for putting up with your husbands sh!t. Too good. You let a serial cheater act as if he has the high road. Hiding his true nature from the family and your kids. He is still cheating and will continue doing so. He has no respect for you because you allow him to disrespect you. 

You need to woman up. Full disclosure and exposure. Every should know what he is doing. Why? So that he ceases to make you the bad guy and he finally feels the consequences for being deceptive abusive and a bad husband and person. 

Get 50% of the marital assets. You diserve every penny. Woman up. Look out for yourself. You husband does not care enough about you to cherish you. I don't think you know how that feels. You need to find out. Leave this horrible man in the dust and acquire the skills for a healthy, grown up relationship. 

It will be difficult because life with him is all you know. But there is a better would out there and better class of men. You will not be able to break free until you begin to see your own value. Then you will see that the way he has treated you is horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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