# Cyber Cheating



## Smiley001 (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi, I have just joined this group and hopefully I will get some advice and help from you guys, I can't really discuss this with anybody else.

I have been married for 27 years, we got married when I was very young, and against all the odds the family gave us have made it this far, until 2 weeks ago I thought I had the perfect marriage.

I have found out that my husband has multiple "relationships" with other women on various mail accounts and Facebook, I came across all of this by accident, I have never had any reason to mistrust him, other than the fact that he likes to flirt a little and people (men & women) just like him a lot. He always comes across as a caring person.

Anyway, the mails all over the show shocked me to my core, it was porn and naked photos of them and of him. I was completely devestated, but in control. I did a lot of web searching for help and how to cope with this. I also kept all of the correspondence, and by the way this has been going on since 2009!! 

I couldn't get access to all the account and were not sure if I could keep him from knowing that I was on his Laptop, so I bought an amazing program from Webwatchers, every single keystroke I now can see. This gave me some measure of security and the idea to first find out what is happening.

Last week I couldn't keep quiet anymore, one of the relationships is becoming a little too carey for me and I confronted him with all the info I had, everything!!!!

Needless to say he was at first shocked, then he denied everything, when I showed him that I have most of it, he started lying, eventually he said that he was sorry!! Really sorry and said that he would go for councelling.

I told him that I can not forgive him or trust him yet, but that I am prepared to work on this. Gave him my word that we could try and repair, but also that I wanted him to delete them from his FB page, to send then all a mail to end this and for them not to contact him again.

He has done that, send them a 1 liner each. I felt relieve and really good that we can work this out or at least try. Then last night he send the one women (the one I am thinking is going too far emotionally) a message from FB saying that he will explain later from another account, ending with LOL, Hugs and Kisses??

What the hell am I suppose to do now?????


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

He broke NC, and went fishing. Now he has a secret facebook account (like my fWW) and plans to continue it by taking it underground. These are not the actions of someone who is remorseful, is it? Now you have to show him some consequences or he'll never change his behavior.

Time to lawyer up. You offered him the gift of R and he just stomped on it. File for divorce ASAP. Remember, you can stop or delay the divorce process at any time should he come out of the fog.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You find out if she's married or has a BF and you share with him what you know.

After that you confront him again.

One rule - never reveal your sources. It only let's them know how to hide better next time!


----------



## Smiley001 (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks, I am new to this so are not sure what: NC?:scratchhead:


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

NC = no contact


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You leave him and find someone that loves and respects you. It will do wonders for your self esteem as well.

I really need to send my wife to these forums so she can see what a REALLY s.h.i.t.t.y husband looks like.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, reading your post really took me back to March 13 2010, D day for us. my husband was also involved heavily with several women on line. I discovered it when he left his secret yahoo account logged in.

I kicked my husband out of the house that very day and assumed we would split up. One huge difference here, though, is that he, all on his own, deleted everything he had secret and online, messaged the women on his own that he would no longer be having anything to do with them, and went to IC. He did all that - I never asked him to. I was at home preparing to be a single mom again.

We would not be together today if he hadn't done what he did. Without knowing what I was doing, I did the 180 on him, and he did the truly remorseful spouse thing.


----------



## brat30 (Dec 7, 2011)

I can Understand you being upset with your husband for hiding information and what he did, BUT I don;t beleive it is right to plant a "key Loger." in his pc. For the reason it makes him Not able to trust you either so now BOTH of you loose trust in each other which is the KEY to all relationships (Trust) I also think that cheating can only be possible IF two people actually meet(Physical contact) I don't beleive it's fair for partners to tell people what they can and can't do. It's not like you OWN him or he Owns you. I myself have been victum of a Key logger and Its somthng that i find HIGHLY intrusive and it should ONLY be used by a professinal not by a snoopying spouse! Somthing you need to remember is PEOPLE only change if they want to...I told my husband after he key loged me that I will CONTUNE to chat with men and women, if he didnt like it will TOUGH he doesn't own me...and i was only there to make friends i love my husband simple as that. I think one has to be very insecure within themselvfs to do somthing so desprate.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brat30 said:


> I dont beleive chatting to other men or women is cheating...*you have to be PHYSICALLY with someone to be cheating*!!


::Goes to grab some popcorn::


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I wont even dignify this one with a response


----------



## brat30 (Dec 7, 2011)

lol I dont mean to be offensive but I find it wrong for someone to put "key logers" in someone computer without their knowlege. that was what i was trying to point out. Cheating is totally unaccetible but some people are getting to the point where its like "oh she's chatting with another guy thats "emotinal cheating."


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

brat30 said:


> I think its HIGHKY intrusive that partners feel its "ok" to Bug their partners account, It shows someone is Highly Insecure (first off) My husband did the same thing to me, I think people go out looking for other partners when their partners are not entirly feel of neglecting their other half, Personally I think there should be laws agaisnt Hacking into someone computer but sadly their isnt. I'm NOT defending your husband or anything BUT its natural for a man to look at porn I'm sorry but it is, My husband does it but I dont feel insecure enough to Hack into his computer because i trust him 100 %! I dont beleive chatting to other men or women is cheating...you have to be PHYSICALLY with someone to be cheating!! You said he had facebook accounts with other women as his gf etc that is another story...! I'm sorry if im coming acossed as nasty But I dont agree with "Hacking" into someone eles Pc unless your LEGALLY premited to do it (Ie you are a cop). Anyways whatever you decide is entirly up to you, I haven't stoped talking to men and women online and Ive told my husband that NONEONE HAS A RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO...same goes for anyone..their not the boss of them just because they are married to them and Most people do not change.


I think everything you've written here is HIGHKY ridiculous, not to mention very poorly spelled.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ LOL



Almostrecovered said:


> I wont even dignify this one with a response


You can share with me, AR


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

brat30 said:


> Ive told my husband that NONEONE HAS A RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO...same goes for anyone..*their* not the boss of them just because they are married to them and Most people do not change.


It's THEY'RE not THEIR.

Sorry, couldn't help myself.


----------



## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

So BRAT you think its wrong for someone to bug their partners account, but it's okay to lie to the spouse, hide an affair, and pretend everything is hunky dory when with their spouse? That's rich.

What about the fact that cheating = Lying, and since their liers would never fess up, until after the BS gets left at the curb suckin fumes? 

RICH...........Good, no one has a right to tell you what to do? So your spouse doesn't have the right to know if your acting inappropriate online? Trying to hookup, while married? So the BS is just supposed to sit there, without any recourse, or knowledge?

Rich.......We'll see how long your marriage lasts. "Talking" to men online is one thing, but if your doing or saying anything online that you wouldn't say or do in front of your partner.........YOUR CHEATING....


----------



## disappointed123 (Jul 26, 2011)

brat30 said:


> Its wrong to cheat, totally wrong....(I THINK i said that!) But its also totally illegal to HACK into someones pc!
> Why dO YOU assume I'm acting "inapproriately" just because im chatting to men and women? he is well aware that i chat to both MEN AND WOMEN (therefore it ISN'T CHEATING) His computer is side by side to mine (so how could that be cheating) your a Drama queen) "Mad Women"
> It's amazing how diffrent the tables would turn if this story was about a Man who's wife had cheated and how the MAN had hacked into her pc....it would be totally stalking and hacking and the police would be called he'd be carted off to jail but NO because its some Crazy women that Hacked into a man's computer its Acceptible because he "cyber cheated" thats what this is about Not "Offically" cheating just some stupid cyber crap....! I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 11 MAGICAL YEARS...THANK YOU VERY MUCH....and he knows i chat with men and women (its NOT inapprociate) I feel no need to cheat or chat about sex its stupid.


I think you should slow down and think about what you are typing before typing it. Maybe also read more posts about MEN who installed keyloggers, and hacked into email accounts, and were advised to do so by people on this website. Also read about how many men (and women) who realized that they were with the wrong person - or fixed their marriage - all because of these tools.

It's all about boundaries: Maybe your husband doesn't care who you talk to, or what you talk about. When I married my stbx, I did not agree that she could lie to me, send naked photos, and have cybersex, phonesex, and go meet some other man behind my back. Maybe in your 'Magical marriage' its okay. In other's - its not.

What you are basically saying is: its okay to share yourself with other people in a sexual way and lie about it - but it is not okay for your partner to dig to find out?


----------



## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

Smiley001,
I was taking a break from TAM for awhile but I saw your post and it really hit home with me so I had to reply.

First & foremost, I want to offer you my deepest sympathy. I know what you're going through & how much it hurts every single moment of every day. My heart goes out to you. Also, I noticed that you haven't been back since your original post date of 12/7. If you see this, and I really hope you can & do, Please, Please come back to this forum. The people here can help you to get through this. They've been there and most of the time their advice is right on the mark. It's critical right NOW that you are able to talk to someone that understands what you are going though, You are NOT alone.



Smiley001 said:


> Anyway, the mails all over the show shocked me to my core, it was porn and naked photos of them and of him. I was completely devestated, but in control. I did a lot of web searching for help and how to cope with this. I also kept all of the correspondence, and by the way this has been going on since 2009!!


OMG! This is exactly what happened to me on 11/18. The only way I've survived thus far is because of some really great members on this forum. I hate to tell you this, but your WH (wayward husband) was (& probably still is) involved in a LTA (long term affair). These are the hardest to recover from. He, due to the length of the LTA, has probably taken it from an EA (emotional affair) to a PA (physical affair). Please don't be surprised to discover that he and one or more of the OW (other women) have met numerous times. Start the "180" TODAY, along with the "BS Bill of Rights" and other great resources available through links on this site. Also, please go immediately and get an HIV and STD test. Please don't wait.



Smiley001 said:


> so I bought an amazing program from Webwatchers


OMG! x 2! This is the exact program that I used, (and still do) to find out that my WW was lying x the power of 10 all, while she was telling me it's over and how sorry she was. It's a shame you let the cat out of the bad so to speak. Your WH is now most likely underground & it will be much harder to gain additional info, if for nothing else, your peace of mind.



Smiley001 said:


> Needless to say he was at first shocked, then he denied everything, when I showed him that I have most of it, he started lying, eventually he said that he was sorry!! Really sorry and said that he would go for councelling.


Typical WS response to getting caught with their hand in someone else's cookie jar. Please note that counseling will not work until your WH ends the A, has come completely clean, and shows continuous everyday remorse. It would be better for you at this point to go see a therapist alone, that specializes in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and infidelity issues. 



Smiley001 said:


> I told him that I can not forgive him or trust him yet, but that I am prepared to work on this. Gave him my word that we could try and repair, but also that I wanted him to delete them from his FB page, to send then all a mail to end this and for them not to contact him again.


It's not for you, or up to you to trust him, or to offer ANY kind of R (reconciliation) offers or guarantees. YOU are not at fault here. You did not cheat & lie and have a clandestine A with OW. Read the "BS Bill of Rights".



Smiley001 said:


> He has done that, send them a 1 liner each. I felt relieve and really good that we can work this out or at least try. Then last night he send the one women (the one I am thinking is going too far emotionally) a message from FB saying that he will explain later from another account, ending with LOL, Hugs and Kisses??


OMG! x 3! Same in my situation. WW's or WH"s in cybersex affairs are like junkies. They are addicted and will keep going back for a fix. You MUST insist on him ending all A's NOW! Go to your lawyer and have separation or divorce papers drawn up. Show them to him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you WILL follow through unless he stops his A immediately. Demand total disclosure. He has NO right to keep anything secret from you now, or for many years to come, if you should decide to R.



Smiley001 said:


> What the hell am I suppose to do now?????


Start the "180" immediately. Read the "BS Bill of Rights". See your Lawyer and have S or D papers drawn up and confront your WH with them. Keep coming back here for ideas, suggestions and advice. Above all, take care of YOU! Do not do, or start anything new to harm yourself. E.g., If you didn't drink before, don't start now etc... Good luck!


----------



## DoormatNoMore53 (Dec 4, 2011)

brat30 said:


> I can Understand you being upset with your husband for hiding information and what he did, BUT I don;t beleive it is right to plant a "key Loger." in his pc. For the reason it makes him Not able to trust you either so now BOTH of you loose trust in each other which is the KEY to all relationships (Trust) I also think that cheating can only be possible IF two people actually meet(Physical contact) I don't beleive it's fair for partners to tell people what they can and can't do. It's not like you OWN him or he Owns you. I myself have been victum of a Key logger and Its somthng that i find HIGHLY intrusive and it should ONLY be used by a professinal not by a snoopying spouse! Somthing you need to remember is PEOPLE only change if they want to...I told my husband after he key loged me that I will CONTUNE to chat with men and women, if he didnt like it will TOUGH he doesn't own me...and i was only there to make friends i love my husband simple as that. I think one has to be very insecure within themselvfs to do somthing so desprate.


Why, oh why, does TAM allow morons and WW's to undercut and totally abase posters looking for help. I won't even comment on your completely ignorant, uninformed & grossly misspelled rant about snooping. I'll just say that you're obviously a spoiled uncaring B!tch! How could you even think to post this garbage knowing what this person is going through after 27 years!? Do you even realize, or care that you may have driven off someone from this site that really needs help right now!? You have NO heart what so ever and I pity your H. BTW, I'm guessing you were high or drunk when you wrote this. Please do us, and the entire world a big favor & go out and get really, really drunk again, then come home and stick your head in the porcelain throne & FLUSH! 

LBNL, two additional words for ya - SPELL CHECK!


----------

