# What to do when husband wont talk about things.



## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

We've been together over a decade and I'm really struggling recently. 
I have really mixed feelings about the situation we are in. My husband goes out of his way to not talk about issues, ever, he'll avoid talking about the hard stuff in life in all areas. The issues aren't all his, we're both responsible. I'm very introverted and he's very extroverted which doesn't help. 

I have mixed feeling of anger towards him and feeling sorry for him because he's trapped behind these walls where he only wants the good and won't solve the bad. I am sure it's learned behaviour as his dad is the same. We've had years with this simmering silence between us. Only chatting about the simpler stuff, and it finally broke when I realised I'm wasting my life living like this and my mental health is fast declining so I confronted him from a place of anger. He finally said a few things cried about losing me and said he'd feel shame about having a failed marriage. But over the course of the talk it all moved back to superficiality but agreed we'd keep talking. Since, he's just clammed up again. 

I have depression and when asked about why he doesn't acknowledge my low mood and extreme behaviour real time, he said it's because nothing can be done in his opinion so why acknowledge it. I need to get help for my depression and that needs to come in the context of a family who at least acknowledges how much of a struggle it is. I want to be happy but I feel minimised. 

I don't trust him either and partially it's because I've been left to deal with life's issues on my own, I carry the weight of parenting and other stuff whereas he just skims above it all. Our sex life is close to non-existant because I don't feel close to him. He works away from home and is rarely here for any length of time. He wants to turn up to the perfect family I think. He seems to think you just get intimacy from sex but too many years of feeling deeply lonely in this relationship have made me feel like he's just anther person using me up and sex actually feels quite violating and sad to me and I'd rather he never touched me. 

I also feel like our relationship may have been based on rocky ground. I came to realise he fetishizes a certain look in women, I fit that look to a point (though a very plain version) and I feel now like he is disappointed that I didn't live up to ideal and have my own needs. Like the novelty has worn off so why bother. We don't have much in common. I was naive in my early 20s when I married him and didn't see it then.

I don't know where to go from here. I think our relationship is running on fumes but I don't hate him, I'm just tired of living like this and don't know how to make any changes. I actually already feel like a single parent.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Have you gone to marriage counseling? Also, are you being treated medically for depression?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

I haven't been treated before now but have just actually reached out for help and awaiting appointments and doing things like changing doctor so I can find more support. We haven't done marriage counselling. I'm not sure logistically how we could make that work because he is away so much. This year he's been away for 3 weeks at a time then back for the weekend.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Jencat said:


> I haven't been treated before now but have just actually reached out for help and awaiting appointments and doing things like changing doctor so I can find more support. We haven't done marriage counselling. I'm not sure logistically how we could make that work because he is away so much. This year he's been away for 3 weeks at a time then back for the weekend.


Have you explained to him everything you mentioned in your first post, especially about how you don't trust him, don't feel intimate with him, feel like a single parent, etc...? If he doesn't want to talk about things then it may be time to suggest a separation, maybe that will shake the fog a little and get it to take everything more seriously (or if he just brushes off that could be very telling to you). 

Either way, if you believe you suffer from depression I would definitely seek out medical help ASAP, so it is good to see you are working on this.


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

I've mentioned about 90% of what I posted. Some it is becoming more obvious through writing it so maybe I need to try again and see the response. Mostly the things I haven't mentioned are feeling like he married me because he wanted a wife that fit certain criteria. Though I did say he idealises me and deals with his idea of me and not the reality. He did say he's very detached. 

I also have realised that his nature needs lots of fun things and interaction to make him happy so I encouraged him to go and add some new activities to his schedule as he has most evenings and weekends free. He already has one quite all-consuming hobby but he thrives on that kind of thing. He has done that, joined a couple of new things and tried to restart some stuff with his friends and he is enjoying it. I thought it might give him the balance to deal with the negative but it doesn't seem to be but maybe it's too soon. 

I haven't spoken to him for 2 days, he usually calls after driving back to where he lives when he's at work or after work. Our son was supposed to have a minor surgery today and I'd have thought he'd have called yesterday or this morning to check in even if it's directly with our son but nothing. Again I don't think he's a bad person but allows himself to be distracted, detached and would rather be thinking about something else while having the illusion of being the perfect family man.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

JenCat, a few observations: men get intimacy from sex. That's normal though women think it's backwards. You don't mention what issues he's avoiding while only talking about the easy things. Every person has a 'type' they find more visually appealing and you've decided that's just a 'fetish' of his. That's not fair. 

Are you somewhat blaming your depression on him? It seems that anger turns in to depression for you, yet, if you have chronic depression that's a chemical imbalance in your brain. You can't put that on him. 

You two need to get in to counseling.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Jencat said:


> I've mentioned about 90% of what I posted. Some it is becoming more obvious through writing it so maybe I need to try again and see the response. Mostly the things I haven't mentioned are feeling like he married me because he wanted a wife that fit certain criteria. Though I did say he idealises me and deals with his idea of me and not the reality. He did say he's very detached.
> 
> I also have realised that his nature needs lots of fun things and interaction to make him happy so I encouraged him to go and add some new activities to his schedule as he has most evenings and weekends free. He already has one quite all-consuming hobby but he thrives on that kind of thing. He has done that, joined a couple of new things and tried to restart some stuff with his friends and he is enjoying it. I thought it might give him the balance to deal with the negative but it doesn't seem to be but maybe it's too soon.
> 
> I haven't spoken to him for 2 days, he usually calls after driving back to where he lives when he's at work or after work. Our son was supposed to have a minor surgery today and I'd have thought he'd have called yesterday or this morning to check in even if it's directly with our son but nothing. Again I don't think he's a bad person but allows himself to be distracted, detached and would rather be thinking about something else while having the illusion of being the perfect family man.


Jencat, 

I'd say that you idealize HIM and don't deal with the reality of him either. You're psycho analyzing him and his motives instead of dealing with him in a more open and direct manner. 

Do you like to be in control? You're trying to control his mood by suggesting he do things that make him happy. Well he's a guy who can probably compartmentalize fairly well, so he can be happy doing an activity and still very unhappy with his marriage. Don't try to fix him. No one likes to be 'fixed'.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*M'dear: I greatly think that the problem is the ages old mantra of the "proud male" complex, whereby a gregarious male will share his "victories" in life, but refuses, both intentionally and unintentionally, to share the problem areas, because he feels better inclined to do so without necessarily piling all of the problems on you ... by staying quiet and mum about it! And by internalizing about it, he hopes that some big event will come along that will perpetuate both of your happiness! It's either that or he fears a perceived volatile reaction on your part that he hasn't either the inclination or the time to effectively deal with!

In essence, it is little more than living life with blinders on, hoping that the problems that you worry about will eventually go away!

What he fails to rationalize is that in acting this way, he fails to effectively deal with your fears and concerns, and in doing so, creates a chasm between the two of you, that if allowed to exist, will ultimately come to perpetuate a deep-seated resentment and mistrust in you, either giving rise to your wanting to leave him or seeking attention elsewhere, which although indefensible, almost always leads to EA or PA ramifications!

Because whether he is even remotely aware of it or not, joint marriage counseling(MC) is just about the only viable solution for the both of you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Jencat said:


> I also have realised that his nature needs lots of fun things and interaction to make him happy so I encouraged him to go and add some new activities to his schedule as he has most evenings and weekends free. He already has one quite all-consuming hobby but he thrives on that kind of thing. He has done that, joined a couple of new things and tried to restart some stuff with his friends and he is enjoying it. I thought it might give him the balance to deal with the negative but it doesn't seem to be but maybe it's too soon.


Curious, what, if anything, do your H and you do together as a couple? You mention due to work he is rarely home for any length of time, and from the above, it looks like you encourage him to use his free time home pursuing hobbies that don't seem to involve you.


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

VermisciousKnid said:


> JenCat, a few observations: men get intimacy from sex. That's normal though women think it's backwards. You don't mention what issues he's avoiding while only talking about the easy things. Every person has a 'type' they find more visually appealing and you've decided that's just a 'fetish' of his. That's not fair.
> 
> Are you somewhat blaming your depression on him? It seems that anger turns in to depression for you, yet, if you have chronic depression that's a chemical imbalance in your brain. You can't put that on him.
> 
> You two need to get in to counseling.


I'm not blaming my depression on him, it's something I've lived with since being a teen and I've mostly kept my head above water. I just expected him to be more supportive and want to talk about how I feel when I'm really struggling or when life has added a stressor that tips the balance. Essentially I want him to have a desire to check in with how I'm doing with it and he doesn't, that can make me angry, I don't expect him personally to fix me but it'd be nice to have a hand to hold on the way to therapy. 

The things he avoids discussing is stuff like not attempting to find a more local job, not putting effort into things for the kids like researching all the stuff we deal with as parents so things like education/health/learning difficulties that kind of thing so he can actually have an opinion on it and seriously big decisions aren't just mine. He won't figuring out financial stuff with me and his financial literacy is low, mine's not great but he's opted out, he earns it but I plan out where it goes. Plus now obviously not talking about the distance between us, why we are not closer etc. It's snowballed. 

I am currently in control of most things and, to be honest, I don't like it, it's exhausting. I'd rather not be the one who has to handle everything. 

Me deciding his type is more of a fetish is tied up with some other things that have gone on, but I'll definitely think about whether I've got that wrong or maybe placing too much emphasis on it. I can see why it would annoy men to thought about as so superficial that they based a marriage on that.


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Curious, what, if anything, do your H and you do together as a couple? You mention due to work he is rarely home for any length of time, and from the above, it looks like you encourage him to use his free time home pursuing hobbies that don't seem to involve you.



Nothing really these days. We used to work together and separately in the same field. it was an intense, insular area but outside of it we don't have much common ground. We struggle to find things to both do together and find the common ground. 

I do encourage his hobbies because he needs it to feel happy, he's very extroverted and happiest with people getting into different projects, if that goes I see him not being as happy. He usually uses evenings for that kind of stuff and the odd weekend maybe one every month. I couldn't be involved in the evening hobbies he works too far away from home to come home and has a life and family up there and I do encourage that for his sanity.


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Jencat,
> 
> I'd say that you idealize HIM and don't deal with the reality of him either. You're psycho analyzing him and his motives instead of dealing with him in a more open and direct manner.
> 
> Do you like to be in control? You're trying to control his mood by suggesting he do things that make him happy. Well he's a guy who can probably compartmentalize fairly well, so he can be happy doing an activity and still very unhappy with his marriage. Don't try to fix him. No one likes to be 'fixed'.



Hmmmm. I don't think I do idealise him. but I get what you are saying. The direct and open option didn't seem to work because he doesn't want to talk so I'm not sure how I can be more direct when he doesn't want to engage in that conversation in any depth. I totally see what you say about me trying to make him make himself happy being pointless but I do care about him and whether he feels like life is fun/worth getting up for because I do realise he works hard and the balance should be there and it's all too easy to let it slip, I guess in essence it's unrelated though and not gonna solve anythin. I guess I hoped it would maybe make things easier if he had that part of his life fairly functional.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Jencat said:


> Nothing really these days. We used to work together and separately in the same field. it was an intense, insular area but outside of it we don't have much common ground. We struggle to find things to both do together and find the common ground.
> 
> I do encourage his hobbies because he needs it to feel happy, he's very extroverted and happiest with people getting into different projects, if that goes I see him not being as happy. He usually uses evenings for that kind of stuff and the odd weekend maybe one every month. I couldn't be involved in the evening hobbies he works too far away from home to come home *and has a life and family up there and I do encourage that for his sanity.*


Wait, so where he works he has another family?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Wait, so where he works he has another family?


His extended family, father, brother etc. Lifelong friends etc. He works in the area he grew up so they are all there.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jencat said:


> His extended family, father, brother etc. Lifelong friends etc. He works in the area he grew up so they are all there.


*IMHO, your H needs to set his priorities right, with you being placed at the very forefront and his extended family into more of a tertiary role! 

Your feelings preeminently should come first!

In that regard, I'd say that it's well beyond time for a "Come to Jesus" Meeting! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, your H needs to set his priorities right, with you being placed at the very forefront and his extended family into more of a tertiary role!
> 
> Your feelings preeminently should come first!
> 
> ...


Yes, that is the part I am having trouble with. How is the OP supposed to build up the bond with her H if they never spent time together. That really needs to be priority, make the most of the limited amount of time you have together. You may feel completely disconnected from him, but odds are he is disconnected from you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Why are you not up there with him? Is your family where you are?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Why are you not up there with him? Is your family where you are?


We can't afford to move there, it just happens to be a really expensive place to live, I keep weighing up how to make it financially happen but with debt and stuff, we can't make it happen now. We moved where I am now with the kids when he was in a job that travelled constantly and we've not had the financial wherewithal to get out again.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jencat said:


> We can't afford to move there, it just happens to be a really expensive place to live, I keep weighing up how to make it financially happen but with debt and stuff, we can't make it happen now. We moved where I am now with the kids when he was in a job that travelled constantly and we've not had the financial wherewithal to get out again.


Where does he stay when he is away?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Where does he stay when he is away?


With his father in their old family home. Therefore cheap because he pays a low rent and helps out.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jencat said:


> With his father.


and there is no room for the rest of you I presume. What's happening to all the money he's making? Does he make a good living off the job he has?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> and there is no room for the rest of you I presume. What's happening to all the money he's making? Does he make a good living off the job he has?


No, the house is too small and his dad said a long time ago he wasn't up for us all living with him, plus he's not the friendliest person. We do spend a few weekends a year up there crammed in but it's always tense. My husband makes an ok living, not loads but we have enough for current life if we are very careful. He has never begrudged us money or kept anything from us, I have full access to it, so I have no complaints on that front except he won't get involved in financial planning, I'm responsible for that. I think it scares him and we could both do with more knowledge in that area.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jencat said:


> No, the house is too small and his dad said a long time ago he wasn't up for us all living with him, plus he's not the friendliest person. We do spend a few weekends a year up there crammed in but it's always tense. My husband makes an ok living, not loads but we have enough for current life if we are very careful. He has never begrudged us money or kept anything from us, I have full access to it, so I have no complaints on that front except he won't get involved in financial planning, I'm responsible for that. I think it scares him and we could both do with more knowledge in that area.


Finances can scare a lot of guys. That fear of being a miserable provider is a very real one. Do you guys own the house you are living in?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Finances can scare a lot of guys. That fear of being a miserable provider is a very real one. Do you guys own the house you are living in?


No we don't. Not a lot of stability from that point of view and lots of debt.


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

I am finding writing all this out is giving me some clarity so thank you all for your replies. Kind of diffuses the raw emotion of some stuff.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jencat said:


> No we don't. Not a lot of stability from that point of view and lots of debt.


So, I am hearing correctly that you guys would be moving from a rental to a rental, correct? What types of properties are you looking at?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Generalities here.

Men, in general, would prefer to not be in conflict with the ones they love. They therefore, internalize issues and simply don't discuss them. Quite often, we go along our happy way thinking things are fine until some event triggers a crisis or argument. Years ago, I was a classic model for this. Getting him to come out and express his feelings/concerns is generally very difficult. One suggestion I have for your situation is to communicate while he is away. The next time he is away from home, choose a minor issue you'd like to address and text or email him. Sometimes it is easier to do this in a non face-to-face environment and he might open up a little bit more. Don't make it a big or dragged out issue. If you can sort through it that way, thank him for his attention and input. Try this a few times and see if you can make any headway on some of the smaller issues then work up the issue list and face-to-face interactions. This may be a way to draw him out. At any time that he opens up, be positive about his interaction even if you don't agree or fail to reach a solution. We all like to be complemented on our efforts.

As stated above, sex can be a very emotional binding event for us. We feel loved with our wives desire us. Work on your sex life as a priority.

I see a red flag in your statement that you "don't hate him". The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Indifference can be a relationship killer. It nearly killed my marriage.


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

Blossom Leigh said:


> So, I am hearing correctly that you guys would be moving from a rental to a rental, correct? What types of properties are you looking at?


It's a case of moving from a cheap house in a depressed area that happens to be cheap for all the normal reasons that places get run down, to one of the most expensive areas in the country unfortunately.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jencat said:


> It's a case of moving from a cheap house in a depressed area that happens to be cheap for all the normal reasons that places get run down, to one of the most expensive areas in the country unfortunately.


And he is gone for three weeks at a time? How far away is he staying from you guys?

Also... what percentage of his gross monthly income pays for the house you are living in?

How was the debt incurred?


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## Jencat (Mar 8, 2016)

Amplexor said:


> Generalities here.
> 
> Men, in general, would prefer to not be in conflict with the ones they love. They therefore, internalize issues and simply don't discuss them. Quite often, we go along our happy way thinking things are fine until some event triggers a crisis or argument. Years ago, I was a classic model for this. Getting him to come out and express his feelings/concerns is generally very difficult. One suggestion I have for your situation is to communicate while he is away. The next time he is away from home, choose a minor issue you'd like to address and text or email him. Sometimes it is easier to do this in a non face-to-face environment and he might open up a little bit more. Don't make it a big or dragged out issue. If you can sort through it that way, thank him for his attention and input. Try this a few times and see if you can make any headway on some of the smaller issues then work up the issue list and face-to-face interactions. This may be a way to draw him out. At any time that he opens up, be positive about his interaction even if you don't agree or fail to reach a solution. We all like to be complemented on our efforts.
> 
> ...


I am really struggling with how I feel about him. I care about him a lot though I know that but not sure if it's drifted to how I'd care for a friend. I'll definitely try the method of emailing him. I already started to write a bit because it's easier to not dump raw emotion on him if I can read it back through and realise the problem was derailed by my delivery. I've not given him any of that yet though.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jencat said:


> I am really struggling with how I feel about him. I care about him a lot though I know that but not sure if it's drifted to how I'd care for a friend. I'll definitely try the method of emailing him.* I already started to write a bit because it's easier to not dump raw emotion on him if I can read it back through and realise the problem was derailed by my delivery*. I've not given him any of that yet though.


Good thought.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

So many are blinded by love that they overlook their spouse's faults. It is also a problem for those who do not spend a few years having sex with each other prior to the marriage. I know many women who think they can change a man after they marry him or marry him without really getting to know him well. A sexual kink is something you like to do while a sexual fetish is something you MUST do. If you do not feed a fetish, it will gnaw at you and making you unhappy with your sex life. I have been there several times myself. It is all consuming. Men, and some women, can have all sorts of crazy sexual fetishes, some tamer than others.

A safe way to take care of the problem is to send your husband to a professional sex worker or hire an escort who can satisfy his fetish without jeopardizing your marriage. His fetish is not going to go away on its own. Often, what we desire sexually in our minds is not as good in reality, so it may go away quickly. We have met many couples who go to Las Vegas once or twice a year, hire escorts and indulge their fetishes separately, and then go home still happily married. They are school teachers, judges, highly placed executives, housewives and other people you would never suspect were kinky.

My wife and I had sexual needs that we could not fulfill for each other just like your situation. My wife's solution was to bring her girlfriend into our sex life. Long story but it worked for all three of us, even our girlfriend's husband. Four people had their sexual fantasies fulfilled with no danger to both marriages. We are married for over 40 years and our ex girlfriend is married about 30 years, all happily so. Think outside of the box unless you want to join the legions of serial monogamous.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Vinnydee said:


> . Think outside of the box unless you want to join the legions of serial monogamous.


Seriously, what does any of this have to with the OPs issues  She is battling depression and a variety of relationship issues, and your suggestion is to think outside the box (i.e. consider opening the marriage up)...????


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm not blaming you or saying this is the case but from _How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It_ by Steven Stosny and Patricia Edd Love "What women often interpret as withdrawn, uncaring men, for the most part, are men overwhelmed by the criticism and unhappiness coming from their partners." They also say the worst thing a woman can do to a man is shame him.

Granted on the flip side they also say the worst thing a man can do is leave a woman alone but married.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jencat said:


> I am really struggling with how I feel about him. I care about him a lot though I know that but not sure if it's drifted to how I'd care for a friend..


As far as the emotional connection, I would suggest you both read "The Five Love Languages". The concepts are simple but the rewards can be profound.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I see Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University and his books/website recommended a LOT. Might be worth looking into.

I think the real problem is that you din't have much in common in the beginning and have drifted even further apart due to him being away from home. I understand that you cannot move in with his father and cannot afford the high rents in that ares, but what about moving to a suburb or a town that is nearer? I don't know what's common in your area, but it's not that uncommon for people here to have a long-ish commute to work in order to afford a home for their family. If you could afford to live closer to his work, he'd be able to commute daily and spend more time with the family as a whole and with you in particular.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Jencat - I understand where you are. My situation is extremely similar to yours. My husband doesn't communicate about anything with me. When we do talk its about the immediate and mundane, daily issues and not the ones that have needed to be aired out and resolved for many years now. This is all compounded by his drinking problem and both of our current health issues. He doesn't read things either. And while I can understand that alot of men don't like to read up on issues in their marriage and self-help books because they feel they are too "macho" for that stuff, it is the best thing to do to get advise and maybe some ideas and answers to questions that have gone unanswered. While I really cant give you any advise because I am still trying to determine where I want to go with my situation, my feelings go hand in hand with yours and I can tell you that you are not alone.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The only way you could justify a husband going away for weeks at a time if he was able to stash tends of thousands of dollars each time so he could retire before 45. He needs to get a new job. His job obviouslly isn't paying the bills if you are in debt and don't own a home. Sounds like he checked out a long time ago and that's his way to escape. This isn't a way to live life. If you are miserable, make changes!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> The only way you could justify a husband going away for weeks at a time if he was able to stash tends of thousands of dollars each time so he could retire before 45. He needs to get a new job. His job obviouslly isn't paying the bills if you are in debt and don't own a home. Sounds like he checked out a long time ago and that's his way to escape. This isn't a way to live life. If you are miserable, make changes!


Agree... the money is being mismanaged on either in coming, out going or both.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am having a hard time understanding how you are keeping a marriage alive if you are never together. It seems to me that people who are just dating are seeing each other more than you guys are?

How many kids do you have? How old are they? 

Has he tried looking for another job? 

Are you working? If not, Have you tried looking for a job? 

How far away is he working? 

If you look at his salary and then subtract the expenses of keeping this job, is it really worth it? There are a lot of expenses incurred with working that far away. The travel back and forth, the rent he's paying to his father, the wear on the vehicle, extra food not shared with the family, etc. 

Not to mention the intangibles such as not being there for your wife, and not seeing your kid(s) grow up?? 

If you are not digging out of debt by him having this job, what is the point?


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