# I dont know what I need?



## ojs

If your reading this message and considering replying back therfore i thank you....

We have have been married now for almost 5 years and have a beautiful kid of 4yrs. Now we are seriously considering a permanant separation. But i dont understand why she would consider that as much as i do?!

About me: I teach, im so active, hit the gym daily and work 16hrs a day including 6hrs on saturdays but off on sundays for the family. We also have a decent financial situation. I like taking things easy and stress free. However... i can get very very angry on mistakes that are constantly repetitve... yes the small things that involve my life style. Example... a peice of paper that was in my trouser's pocket when it went down for laundry... ive asked my wife to always check the pockets... bcs of that my passport got washed out. I have a problem with my memory that i forget things especially when i misplace them. So things have to be in a certain order so that i can be leveled. While my wife cleans yet without keeping the same order. 

That's a small thing, but other things im much concerned with is my son's diet... her stomach comes before him. She would feed him the palm of a toast bread bcs he likes it which would keep him quiet and then after that he wouldn't be hungry and rejects any proper food offered to him. Or she would not allow him to get his hands dirty playing bcs she complains that she would have to clean him up and he might ruin the coach or bed. Ive given her solutions but she is too lazy. 

I leave home early morning at 6:30 and return at 10pm. When im back she would always be sleeping... this is like that for the past 2 years since she took a job in a nursery. When she is back from she would stay sleeping for 2 hrs.. clean the house and watch tv series after series and go socializing on facebook, watsappp and instagram denying time for our son on a daily routine.

I have repetitively asked her and explained that this is not a marriage life. She is being a teenager. She agrees yet repeats all that over and over again. There has not been one situation where she was convinced what she is doing is inappropriate. And therfore i reached a level where i yell at her constantly in a condescending manner. I get so furious i blank out proper behaviour. 

I hit slapped her and hit her twice... not proud i did that once bcs my son was crying bcs he got his hands messy from CHOCOLATE... what ran in my mind is that she has put fear into him that it would probably make him a sissy boy. The next time i hit her bcs i caught her on the day i cam back from a 3 day trip with her old freind supposedly whom she was concealing his name from appearing on the phone when receiving his call infront of me. She told me its her sister... but i found out otherwise and slapped and pulled her hair to her parents... her fearing to confront them she begged me not to take her there. So i calmed down and looked the other way then forgave her. 

Lately she did it again... talking to another guy. . Her X and supposedly a freindly talk, i caught the messages on watsapp and i disguised myself às her to continue the message and results were not pleasant. So i asked her to leave the house and go to her parents. 

The father in law understands the situation and is being just full. The mother in law is being undeniably biased towards my wife. 

My flaw is my anger... i blast when constant and repetitive matters happen. Im very generous towards my family, they always come first. I do spend weekend nights with freinds to get out of the stress but enjoy the entire sundays with my family. 

Separation is bound to happen... i know and i do want that.. its been almost 2 months now. But i cant believe her justification of everything and excuse after excuse for almost every and anything! 

I do have this one problem that bothers me, i need a closure, i need a proper one, i cant accept a different logic other than logic itself. If she can tell me i never loved you and yes i did talk to guys looking for something then that would serve as an honest justification. But her denying that whatever she did was wrong.. she would never admit. I cant understand how one can twist the truth when i have caught them red handed. 

Other flaws about me... i want the best for my son and wife to the degree that they need to strive always. 

Another flaw of mine... i get irritated fast from her behaviours towards me and irritated even more bcs she should have known by now how not to piss me off. 

She doesnt cook and i havent complained more than once a month. 

Pls i feel hurt and confused.


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## Uptown

ojs said:


> Now we are seriously considering a permanant separation.


OJS, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree that a divorce will solve your problem of being married to a woman you describe as immature and lazy. This is not your biggest problem, however.



> i get irritated fast from her behaviours towards me and irritated even more bcs she should have known by now how not to piss me off.... I hit slapped her and hit her twice.


Your biggest problem -- and one you will take with you into your next marriage if it is not fixed -- is your inability to manage your own emotions. Importantly, YOU are responsible for controlling your own emotions and your actions. What you are describing sounds like the warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). If you have moderate to strong traits of IED, it is important you see a psychologist experienced in teaching people how to better regulate their own emotions, how to do self soothing to calm themselves down, and how to intellectually challenge the intense feelings (anger) without accepting them as "facts."



> I get so furious i blank out proper behaviour.


It is the human condition that, whenever we experience rage and other intense feelings (e.g., infatuation), our judgment goes out the window. This condition is so universal and well known that, by the time we are in high school, we already know we cannot trust our judgment whenever we are experiencing intense feelings. This is why we all try to keep our mouths shut, and our fingers off the keys, until we have time to cool down. We all realize that intense feelings cloud and distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. 

Although we cannot do anything to think clearly during rages, we nonetheless can take actions to reduce the damage we do. One action is to reduce the intensity of the rage itself by better regulating our emotions, e.g., by removing ourselves from the situation or by distracting our minds by thinking of something else. Significantly, these regulation techniques can be taught and learned.



> I do have this one problem that bothers me, i need a closure, i need a proper one, i cant accept a different logic other than logic itself.


By itself, "logic" will not solve your problem when you are angry. As I noted above, your ability to think logically goes out the window because the anger distorts your perceptions of your W's motivations and intentions. During those moments, what is needed is not more "logic" but, rather, more skill at regulating your own emotions. Fortunately, those skills can be learned if you will see a therapist experienced in teaching them.



> Lately she did it again... talking to another guy... Her X and supposedly a friendly talk.


A very important issue, OJS, is whether you are accurately perceiving her to be disloyal or, rather, you are exhibiting irrational jealousy. If your jealousy is irrational, it likely arises from a strong fear of abandonment. Did you experience any abuse or abandonment in early childhood, say before age five? I ask because, if you have a strong abandonment fear, it will be important to learn how to deal with that too. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you (and your son and W) are dealing with. Take care, OJS.


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## vms

I'll just be honest here - you're pushing your wife away with your unfair expectations of her. For example, it's not HER job to check an adults pockets before washing. She is not your mother and you aren't a child. 

If you can't adjust to make your own life easier by helping yourself in areas you know you need it, then you're not going to find happiness with any woman.


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## ConanHub

Sounds like a match made in heck.

She is too lazy, immature and unfaithful for marriage and you are too angry.

Have you considered marriage counseling? I don't see your situation getting better without a professional third party.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

P.S. What is a deal breaker for you? She is very irresponsible, even cheats on you?

Slapping her is not the answer. I understand fully your anger and it is justified but she needs a divorce not abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999

I don't care what she has or has not done to you or your child. QUIT HITTING AND SLAPPING HER. All other issues are secondary to this. Do you want your child growing up thinking this is okay? You sound like a control freak.


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## vms

I missed the physical abuse in his long post. 

Dude - NEVER okay. You need serious professional help, and frankly, I think your wife needs to be away from you. Does she have some issues? Yeah, probably. But that's separate from YOUR issues. 

You seem to be focused on your son being "a man" which tells me you probably have some issues with feeling secure in your own masculinity.


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## lucy999

vms said:


> You seem to be focused on your son being "a man" which tells me you probably have some issues with feeling secure in your own masculinity.


:iagree:

I know you were speaking about what your wife was probably thinking, but merely your use of the term "sissy boy" is offensive.


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## Abc123wife

vms said:


> I'll just be honest here - you're pushing your wife away with your unfair expectations of her. For example, it's not HER job to check an adults pockets before washing. She is not your mother and you aren't a child.
> 
> If you can't adjust to make your own life easier by helping yourself in areas you know you need it, then you're not going to find happiness with any woman.


I have to agree with this. You are a grown man. Check your own pockets! A few months ago I told my 15 and 16 year old sons that I would no longer check their pockets before throwing stuff in the washer. That is their job since it is their clothes! Well sure enough a couple weeks into this new routine my 16 year old's phone got washed! He did not blame me. He knew it was his fault.


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## Happilymarried25

I wouldn't stay with you either if I was your wife. You have anger issues, you are abusive, rigid, critical, controlling and you blame her for everything. You also are a workaholic. You don't spend any time with her or your son. You had better get yourself help before you get into another relationship or it's going to end the same way as this one.


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## SurpriseMyself

You are lucky you are not in jail. You should be. Divorce now, get counseling, and do not date again until your anger issues are behind you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

I would leave you if you were my husband.

You are never home. You say that you work 16 hour days, 6 hours on Saturday, Saturday evening with your friends and you go to the gym every day. So you have one day of the week to spend with your wife and child. .. one day. That’s not a marriage.

You say that your wife is lazy, but she cleans the house, does the laundry, does the cooking, works at a nursery and takes care of the child you have together. Now exactly how is she lazy? I don’t see it.

You are basically gone all the time. Yet you think you know how she cares for your son all the time. And then you insult her as a mother.

You yell at her because you, a grown man, cannot even empty your own pant pockets. Really? 

And to top it off, you are emotionally abusive, angry, yell at her and hit her.

You are an abusive, neglectful husband. 

I would not want to stay with you either.


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## EleGirl

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like a match made in heck.
> 
> She is too lazy, immature and unfaithful for marriage and you are too angry.
> 
> Have you considered marriage counseling? I don't see your situation getting better without a professional third party.


Lets put the phone calls aside for a moment...

Exactly how is she lazy and immature. She has 100% responsibility of their son 6 days a week, and probably the majority of the responsibility on the 7th day. She works a part time job, cleans house, does the laundry, cooks, etc. 

The OP is not even home enough to know what his wife does and does not do.


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## lovesmanis

Wow. 

You need serious help.


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## Orange_Pekoe

You hit her?
Not allowed. EVER. 
Your son cries because he is scared, not because he is a sissy boy.


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## CarlaRose

ojs said:


> Now we are seriously considering a permanant separation.


I'm so glad that woman is finally freeing herself.



ojs said:


> But i dont understand why she would consider that as much as i do?!


That is not surprising.



ojs said:


> i can get very very angry on mistakes that are constantly repetitve...


Which is a self-absorbed way of telling us you are abusive.



ojs said:


> Example... a peice of paper that was in my trouser's pocket when it went down for laundry... ive asked my wife to always check the pockets... bcs of that my passport got washed out.


Check your own pockets. She is not your slave nor your maid nor your child.



ojs said:


> I have a problem with my memory that i forget things especially when i misplace them. So things have to be in a certain order so that i can be leveled. While my wife cleans yet without keeping the same order.


So then, you do the cleaning, and tell her she doesn't have to do it anymore.



ojs said:


> She would feed him the palm of a toast bread bcs he likes it which would keep him quiet and then after that he wouldn't be hungry and rejects any proper food offered to him.


You take over your son's daily diet so you can make sure he's fed the proper foods.



ojs said:


> Or she would not allow him to get his hands dirty playing bcs she complains that she would have to clean him up and he might ruin the coach or bed. Ive given her solutions but she is too lazy.


You can always apply your own solutions. Let him get dirty and then do what you think is best.



ojs said:


> I leave home early morning at 6:30 and return at 10pm. When im back she would always be sleeping... this is like that for the past 2 years since she took a job in a nursery.


You are complaining that she's asleep at 10pm? Why does she need your approval for going to bed at a decent hour?



ojs said:


> When she is back from she would stay sleeping for 2 hrs.. clean the house and watch tv series after series and go socializing on facebook, watsappp and instagram denying time for our son on a daily routine.


You are gone 16 hours a day. How do you know what she does all day long? Or what she does with her child? If he is there with her, then she is spending time with him. He's a toddler. She can't keep him too far away from her or he would have harmed himself very badly by now.



ojs said:


> And therfore i reached a level where i yell at her constantly in a condescending manner. I get so furious i blank out proper behaviour.


And finally now we have the confession that you are abusive.



ojs said:


> I hit slapped her and hit her twice... not proud i did that


And a physical batterer too. You just think you can abuse her all you want. And yes you are proud of it or wouldn't do any of it.



ojs said:


> Pls i feel hurt and confused.


YOU are hurt and confused? Okay then, hurry up and divorce her so she can be rid of you. You deserved anything and everything she did and more. As soon as you divorce her, won't have to be hurt and confused any more. She can finally be free from you.


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## ojs

To everyone wether i agree or disagree with i thank you for your reply so much. 

let me begin by clarifying, if i was abusive i wouldnt have tried several times throughout the years to explain to her of we cannot get along it would be better to separate. Her insisting to stay with me or comeback after a short separation indicates she will work on our marriage deal. However some ppl cant change. 

Some of you mentioned that i have anger issues... i cant say any human being is free from anger but i agree that i respond instantly which isnt the wisest behaviour. However my passion for family's well being and raising my child to enjoy his age and exploring his potentials is my most and foremost mission. i realise its at the expense of my presence however its tough times saving up... and if my W will not play her role and support this then her cause needs constant encouragement which ive got fed up of. She is an adult... and i expect that these few years would be tough. 

About battering her... i do not accept it and didnt... in a five yrs marriage it happened twice as i said which stopped immediately... but how many of us feel the urge to smack that incompetent degenerate who in summary is ticking you off on every possible way that opposes marriage/family principles and values. 

Cooking.. she doesnt.... cleaning... i have a maid who cleans our small 2 bedroom apartment twice a week this includes ironing. For food we still go for delivery since 5 years! 

My son hasnt learned a simple important skill from her other than not getting his hands messy... BUT HES A CHILD! He should get his hands in the dirt. her response is that "your not the one to clean him up afterwards".

I really think she is so lazy.

Yes i might need some professional help dealing with anger. i dont want my kid to learn this trait from me. I explode as ine person said.. however i cant but justify it. People i dont explode like a bomb. I would compare myself with a volcano that it had to build up so much to the point it errupted from the excess. and when its ur child who is in stake then who doesnt errupt like that.

But i have learned from many people in ur posts. Im grateful for each one's reply. some people focused more on one thing that the other information was dismissed... i know that could happen especially if that certain thing has bothered u before. 

My freind about the laundry... its definetly a good trait to depend on urself... but seriously is that too much to ask for? For the commitment im striving for? Listen i havent ever blamed her if anything goes down the laundry but im just like "why baby, i thought u had my back". 

If ever, i would at least be able to etter evaluate the other person before getting serious. Ya, im not so fond of getting into a relationship anymore, its like the promise just ends. I dont want to be fooled into admiring another person and then fiding out its all just not really them instead its the spur of the moment. 

**** long post again!

Im glad she is moving on... but she is stealing my son's childhood and his developmental progress. She is depriving him from proper nutrition. 

i guess i had my share of contributing to a failed marriage... but i did my best to keep alive, i guess she didnt share my vision. 
.....the end of it


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## ojs

P.S we spend 2 summer months holidays ans 2 weeks winter break travelling to exotic places and always best hotels.


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## SamuraiJack

ojs said:


> P.S we spend 2 summer months holidays ans 2 weeks winter break travelling to exotic places and always best hotels.


and that absolves your abusive mannerisms, neglect and bullying....how?


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## musinglizzy

I'm glad to see people don't sugar coat things here. BTW, I'm notorious for leaving things in pockets which then go through the laundry. I do my own laundry BTW. Solution? Whenever clothes come off, pockets are checked. I've had enough pieces of gum stain clothes that I've learned my lesson. She may not be perfect, but you sound very difficult to please. Perhaps her biggest mistake is not leaving you after the first time you slapped/hit her. There's no excuse for that.


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## ojs

Wow... fyi i asked her to leave... i shouldve said that first time i had to be forced to slap her... mark my word she had it easy with me... no sane man would tolerate any of this... this shows me how some of you think about ur kids nutrition or even having a consensus in ur relationships... enough said..


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## turnera

ojs said:


> About me: I teach, im so active, hit the gym daily and work 16hrs a day including 6hrs on saturdays but off on sundays for the family.
> 
> I leave home early morning at 6:30 and return at 10pm. When im back she would always be sleeping... this is like that for the past 2 years since she took a job in a nursery. When she is back from she would stay sleeping for 2 hrs.. clean the house and watch tv series after series and go socializing on facebook, watsappp and instagram denying time for our son on a daily routine.
> 
> I have repetitively asked her and explained that this is not a marriage life. She is being a teenager. She agrees yet repeats all that over and over again. There has not been one situation where she was convinced what she is doing is inappropriate. And therfore i reached a level where i yell at her constantly in a condescending manner. I get so furious i blank out proper behaviour.
> 
> I hit slapped her and hit her twice... not proud i did that once bcs my son was crying bcs he got his hands messy from CHOCOLATE


Ok, I'm going to assume this is a real thread from a real person...

You HAD TO BE FORCED to slap her? 

You are lucky you aren't in prison. At the very LEAST, you need to be in long-term therapy to get that you know what out of you know where.

You had a child yet you see it about 15 hours a week, while YOU hit the gym every day and are able to be SO active. Your wife is a single mother, yet you feel you have the right to criticize HOW she handles being a single mother. Not only that you feel you have the right to berate and hit her because she doesn't do things YOUR way?

As I said, you're lucky you're not in jail.

And you ARE abusive. 

smh


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## turnera

ojs said:


> To everyone wether i agree or disagree with i thank you for your reply so much.
> 
> let me begin by clarifying, if i was abusive i wouldnt have tried several times throughout the years to explain to her of we cannot get along it would be better to separate. Her insisting to stay with me or comeback after a short separation indicates she will work on our marriage deal. However some ppl cant change.


Duh. 

She's an abuse victim.

Abuse victims almost never leave. Because they're being emotionally abused and have come to believe - because of YOU, the abuser - that they are worthless.



> However some ppl cant change.


Sounds like something you need to repeat to yourself in the mirror.



> but how many of us feel *the urge to smack that incompetent degenerate* who in summary is ticking you off on every possible way that opposes marriage/family principles and values.


This thread can't be for real.


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## turnera

ojs said:


> However my passion for family's well being and raising my child to enjoy his age and exploring his potentials is my most and foremost mission.


Really? Then why are you away from home 90% of the time? You know, being 'so active' and working out every day of the week?


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## turnera

ojs said:


> Wow... fyi i asked her to leave... i shouldve said that first time i had to be forced to slap her... mark my word she had it easy with me... no sane man would tolerate any of this... this shows me how some of you think about ur kids nutrition or even having a consensus in ur relationships... enough said..


What WE think is that your son will be much better off away from YOU unless you get some serious help.


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## lucy999

ojs said:


> Wow... fyi i asked her to leave... i shouldve said that first time i had to be forced to slap her... mark my word she had it easy with me... no sane man would tolerate any of this... this shows me how some of you think about ur kids nutrition or even having a consensus in ur relationships... enough said..


FORCED TO SLAP HER? OMFG. I hope she RAN like the wind from you.

You, sir, are an abusive man. Enough said.


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## ojs

What happened to this generation?! lets not go into details but do agree we are in the most degenerate era ever!!! our kids are much aware and indulge in sick stuff compared to when we were teens... and u still pushing in with this mantra... since when was using a slap to wake u up not right at times. about the culture.. i come ur culture however with traditional views.. mistaking me for abusive... hell ur condesending words are taking u by surprise if u still didnt realise... 

Forced to slap... a person that u love, care deeply about and have used every method in the text book (confronted them patiently with care, with their parents, their freinds, shown them other role models) nevertless has no effect whatsoever .... a slap or two might wake her up... it didnt... then its so over... in my case she can rot in hell away from me bcs of her grande exit betraying me. 

No... to you ppl who think she is a mother... just bcs u gave birth doesnt give u the excuse or rights to treat and raise ur kid like a farm animal!

R u the feminist!!!


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## ojs

Fyi... world's most abusive conditions are at Arizona... maybe I'm wrong ?


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## turnera

lol, you're just proving everyone's points.


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## ojs

Arrogance


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## turnera

You're right! You're FULL of arrogance! And self-importance! Glad you can see it! One step forward to becoming a better person, good work.


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## ojs

last sentence was cute... But pay attention missy... ur far from being right... being abusive is if u constantly treat another person with physical punisment or micro-controlling them. 

in both cases i havent done so... so stop going wonder women on me, you know getting a slap might do us good... esp if u have too much pride or the illusion of being self righteous. Listen im not perfect... man im so far from it... Im aware of those traits and i am aware my anger is one of them... im trying the advice a few ppl put earlier on this post. But i shouldve known the only way not to explode on my wife was to give up on our relationship after all the different and creative ways to develop her fragile immature mind failed constantly. 

Common sense is not her or many women's finest trait. 

Ofcourse most of u will attack me... only because u dont make up the segment of ppl who know others wint understand.


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## EleGirl

ojs said:


> Fyi... world's most abusive conditions are at Arizona... maybe I'm wrong ?


Can you explain why he world's most abusive conditions are in Arizona?


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## ShameLessLover

Dude, seriously! You can't hit her. No Matter How much justified you are! You just cannot. Everything else is immaterial!


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## ojs

Buddy i agree with u... im not saying what i did was right... i would definetly react differently given the opportunity to relive that moment only. 

Im just saying... i was compelled out of weakness of anger and other flashes of possible consequences that could have easily endagered her life and my son's. 

like one time... she turned on a moveable electric heater that needed first to be fixed bcs the wires from the plug were completely exposed.... my son was 3 yrs old... running around and playing while she sat on the bed texting her phone away... i come into the house after a long day to find all that sotuation... so i freak out bcs who knows what couldve happened.... one wrong touch at the plug has catastrophic results ... i yelled and yelled and yes it was so abusive... i couldnt believe that sort of common sense doesnt exist... its too immature... thats from her laziness...she's a kid... shes 30 yrs old. 

Some ppl need a wake up call... dont judge if u havent lived it.


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## lucy999

ojs said:


> Im just saying... i was compelled out of weakness of anger and other flashes of possible consequences that could have easily endagered her life and my son's.
> 
> 
> Some ppl need a wake up call... dont judge if u havent lived it.


YOU need the wake up call. YOU are endangering their lives. And, I'm totally judging. Because I *have* lived it.

But sure, keep talking, hoss. Maybe one day, you'll finally hear yourself and realize you're a tragic person and need monumental help to not only become a good father and husband, but a basically good human being. Because this audience ain't buying it.

Your world must be very, very small. I actually feel a bit of sorrow for you.


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## soccermom2three

I will tell you what you need. 

Someone that is bigger and stronger than you to slap you around a bit. That way you can see what it feels like to be helpless and demoralized. 

You are a coward.


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## soccermom2three

I find it really sad that there aren't more men on this thread shutting this guy down for hitting his wife.


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## turnera

ojs said:


> But i shouldve known the only way not to explode on my wife was to give up on our relationship after all the different and creative ways to develop her fragile immature mind failed constantly.


Well, thank God for her.



ojs said:


> Ofcourse most of u will attack me... only because *u dont make up the segment of ppl who know others wint understand*.


You mean the other abusers, of course.


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## turnera

ojs said:


> like one time... she turned on a moveable electric heater that needed first to be fixed bcs the wires from the plug were completely exposed....


You're 'the man,' why didn't you do what 'men' do and do the home repair to fix the heater so your family was safe?


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## turnera

ojs said:


> i come into the house after a long day to find all that sotuation... so i freak out bcs who knows what couldve happened.... one wrong touch at the plug has catastrophic results ... i yelled and yelled and yes it was so abusive... i couldnt believe that sort of common sense doesnt exist... its too immature... thats from her laziness...she's a kid... shes 30 yrs old.
> 
> Some ppl need a wake up call... dont judge if u havent lived it.


I have lived it. HER side. I, too, became severely depressed from the abuse and stopped functioning, spent my time doing mind-numbing things that kept me from thinking about the abuse I was suffering.

That's what abused women do, ojs - they become severely depressed. They stop functioning. They let awful things happen even to their own children because they have lost all hope and believe no one will rescue them from the horrible person treating them like scum, so they do nothing more than sit, eat, exist, and try to pretend they aren't there.

That's what abuse does to women.

That is what YOU did.


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## the guy

So is your old lady still screwing around?


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## the guy

turnera said:


> I have lived it. HER side. I, too, became severely depressed from the abuse and stopped functioning, spent my time doing mind-numbing things that kept me from thinking about the abuse I was suffering.
> 
> That's what abused women do, ojs - they become severely depressed. They stop functioning. They let awful things happen even to their own children because they have lost all hope and believe no one will rescue them from the horrible person treating them like scum, so they do nothing more than sit, eat, exist, and try to pretend they aren't there.
> 
> That's what abuse does to women.
> 
> That is what YOU did.


I have lived it...HIS side.

And all the CWI veterans know what my old lady did, and sitting & eating wasn't one of them.....losing hope sure was!

All's I can say is there comes a time you stop liking the man you are becoming and the crap that you live with.

One makes the positive changes and if your old lady wants to stick around then she to needs to make positive changes also.

Hell if both spouse do the heavy lifting to have an emotionally healthier relationship then it's a win win.

In short...meeting each others needs and learning the tools to not have such a phucked up marriage.

At the end of the day it's all about what you do to be a better person and if that means this doesn't include your spouse well then get the hell out and stop letting someone else bring out the worst in you.

I still want to know if your old lady is still chatting up other dudes?


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## turnera

Most likely she's in severe depression from postpartum depression that was never addressed piled on top of the depression from this neanderthal-type behavior and she's - if anything - headed for an exit affair to get her out of the abuse.


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## the guy

one more thing......I used to come home around 8:00 pm, hang out with the guys, drinking beer at the site and gave my family the weekends, and feed me and the kids when ever....

These day I get home at 4:00 pm, the old lady feeds me by 5:00 pm and and the only thing I slap these days is her @ss and with the kids all moved out....more times then not it's (butt) hanging out just asking for it

My point is life can be better...so go figure it out and learn the tools that can help YOU!


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## the guy

turnera said:


> Most likely she's in severe depression from postpartum depression that was never addressed piled on top of the depression from this neanderthal-type behavior and she's - if anything - headed for an exit affair to get her out of the abuse.


From were I'm sitting the abuse is going both ways and both of them need to pull their head out of their @ss' and go get help.

I also think time management would do them both a world of good.

I mean OP and hius old lady are doing everything they can to not interact in a positive way...and who sitting in the phucking corner crying...the kid.

**** splitting up might be the best for the kid if the two of them don't go get some IC....screw the MC they need to work on them selves as individuals 1st.


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## ojs

Maybe so, however there have never been any meaningful communication between us... Like only that confrontation happens when we had a big fight... other than that i dont have a clue whats going around in her mind. Ive asked several times to talk to me if something bothers her... ive asked her to either let me see ur point or u see my point there must be a final conclusion of dome sort and therefore agreement. 

I dont know if she is seeing others or not, im not in contact with her neither ask around about her. The thought of it makes me uneasy for now. All i wish is that she doesnt screw around her life for my son's sake.


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## turnera

Did she talk to you when you were dating?


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## ojs

Turnera... ur not a rational person... sorry about that... u left out the fact how the heater could easily endanger them and put the blame that i shouldve fixed it?! U remind me so much of my wife... full of excuses for anything and ur defensive mechanism is Blind to the truth.


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## ojs

Y is that relevant... but no uu wasnt seeing anyone when i met her. Infact i never thought i would ever be in a serious relationship bcs it wasnt my thing.


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## turnera

ojs said:


> Turnera... ur not a rational person... sorry about that... u left out the fact how the heater could easily endanger them and put the blame that i shouldve fixed it?! U remind me so much of my wife... full of excuses for anything and ur defensive mechanism is Blind to the truth.


How many women do YOU know who know how to fix faulty wiring? A lot less than the MEN who know how to fix it, I guarantee. So, yes, being the man of the family, you SHOULD have fixed it.

Instead, as with everything ELSE in your marriage, you have made it to be HER fault. You know, the woman you beat.

Oh sorry, the woman who FORCES you to beat her.


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## Holland

What do you teach? Why do you work 16 hours a day? Never heard of a teacher that works those hours. 

I am guessing you don't teach English.


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## SpunkySpunky

I'm sorry...but hitting is never okay. EVER.


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## norajane

ojs said:


> I dont know if she is seeing others or not, *im not in contact with her neither ask around about her. *The thought of it makes me uneasy for now. All i wish is that she doesnt screw around her life for my son's sake.


Does that mean she has already left you?


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## vellocet

ojs said:


> I hit slapped her and hit her twice


She should have you thrown in jail and divorce you.

I don't care what she has done. Once you resort to physical abuse, you are the problem.

If she had cheated on you, then you divorce her. But since you hit her, all bets are off. And you certainly can't claim the high road here.



> but i found out otherwise and slapped and pulled her hair to her parents... her fearing to confront them she begged me not to take her there. So i calmed down and looked the other way then forgave her.


You beat her, and YOU forgave HER??? Wow, just wow. She needs to divorce you, but she is obviously too scared.

You are not a man. If you want to fix this, then you'll file for divorce.


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## SecondTime'Round

You think you should somehow be rewarded for not coming home until 10 every night and only providing the *cough* pleasure of your company on Sundays? Your wife is probably pretty exhausted taking care of a small child all day, not to mention her other child who won't remove his own items from his pants before putting them into the laundry.....that she does for him.....

She is not the problem here. You are. If she is cheating it's because of how you treat her, which is not well. If she's spending time interacting with others on social media it's because they make her feel good and you make her feel awful.

She and your "sissy boy" (shame on you) son will be better off without you.


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## SecondTime'Round

ojs said:


> No... to you ppl who think she is a mother... just bcs u gave birth doesnt give u the excuse or rights to treat and raise ur kid like a farm animal!


And just because you are biologically related to that boy does not make you a father. You barely see him. I mean, that's probably a really good thing for him, but still.... It takes more to be a dad than being a workaholic, going to the gym, staying in fancy hotels, and abusing the mother.


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## SamuraiJack

turnera said:


> How many women do YOU know who know how to fix faulty wiring? A lot less than the MEN who know how to fix it, I guarantee. So, yes, being the man of the family, you SHOULD have fixed it.
> 
> Instead, as with everything ELSE in your marriage, you have made it to be HER fault. You know, the woman you beat.
> 
> Oh sorry, the woman who FORCES you to beat her.


I am totally in agreement with this.
If you are “all that and a bag of chips” then you should have said “ Hey Honey I’m going to unplug this so nobody gets hurt and go get the electrical tape.”

Maybe the ESL makes the way you respond sound “off”.
But I find it rather amusing that the insults your hurl at others on this forum are EXACTLY the way most of us experience you.

I wouldn’t wish you on my ex-wife….and THAT’s saying a lot.

As to the title of this thread…You don’t know what you need?
I will tell you…exactly what you need.

You need to grow up and join the rest of us in civilized society.
You need to question the ways you were taught and apply logic and reason to them.
You need to learn the rules of reciprocity and support.
You need to learn that you have NO right to try to change anybody but yourself.
And lastly…
You need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that you have commitments and the privilege of being a father and husband.


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## TheCuriousWife

Praise God for America, as crummy as it seems sometimes. 

At least women aren't property, and incompetent degenerates.


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## ConanHub

soccermom2three said:


> I find it really sad that there aren't more men on this thread shutting this guy down for hitting his wife.


I don't think a lot of men were aware of this thread or don't visit the divorce and separation section often.


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## vellocet

ConanHub said:


> I don't think a lot of men were aware of this thread or don't visit the divorce and separation section often.


Yes, this is exactly the reason I didn't know it existed. Had it been in CWI, I'd have been participating earlier.


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## doubletrouble

ojs said:


> About battering her... i do not accept it and didnt... in a five yrs marriage it happened twice as i said which stopped immediately... but how many of us feel the urge to smack that incompetent degenerate who in summary is ticking you off on every possible way that opposes marriage/family principles and values.


Wow you don't see yourself in a mirror, do you?

Nobody on this website is going to tell you that's OK, regardless of what you think of the woman. Maybe you'll get a PM from someone as immature and controlling as you. This attitude towards your wife leaves me little room to offer you advice.


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## doubletrouble

ojs said:


> Turnera... ur not a rational person... sorry about that... u left out the fact how the heater could easily endanger them and put the blame that i shouldve fixed it?! U remind me so much of my wife... full of excuses for anything and ur defensive mechanism is Blind to the truth.


Ojs, you haven't been around this forum long enough to say anything about Turnera. Frankly, she's one of the most rational, mature, wise posters around, and you should effin listen to her instead of the voices in your head.


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## doubletrouble

EleGirl said:


> Can you explain why he world's most abusive conditions are in Arizona?


Because OP lives there?


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## vellocet

ojs said:


> Turnera... ur not a rational person... sorry about that...


You're right. Hitting a woman when things don't exactly go your way is completely rational. What an imbecile. 

Sorry if that gets me a time out. I don't f'ing care.


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## ojs

Wow very wise... i guess my son is lucky to have a mom like that around. 

Ya.. since i couldnt find time To fix the heater... lets just plug it in anyway and let the little boy play around it... oh... even the man needs to put tape on it... i c

Hey! whats wrong with not feeding our kids other than chocolates and one meal a day... this is the kind of mother we all need...

So being this kind of mother... You know its hard to be a mother and raise him alone... all i get to see 5 soaps a day... u think thats enough (scratching my head)

Im the mother...My son will soon learn much more profound things in life... that is after i get off the phone. . (Like thats ever happening...)

No wait... hitting ur wife twice in 5 f*%#$n yrs... hmmm... u know thats the biggest problem and issue here... lets now revert our attention to that... and no we r not interested in the causes... the effects are way more important! U c thats how u deal with the roots...

Bcs we r self righteous feminists whom cant see the big picture... u made america a liviing hell. Statistics shows more cheating and divorce than any other era before...


in conclusion u dimwits, at the time she cheated again... i had to make the hard decision of separating or not. Looking back into the 5 yrs. I realized that i cant continue to live in anger and using any possible physical sanctions on her. If i am an abuser then i wouldve applied any other sort of abuse when she cheated on me. But i didnt...she said we wont be able to work a relationship together and i agreed so we separated. 

Can i look at myself in the mirror u say... im not proud but im not ashamed. Just sorry my son doesnt have a mother who cant put down her phone to play with her kid.

Can i tell u something... the gap between men and women... u feminists are just fuelling it until it explodes. Ur exaggeration is wicked and evil. havent u seen a woman beat a husband or abuse him in other ways, not mostly ... bcs men dont like to admit it? How would u respond to that... with dismissal? This itself just fuels that gap. 

This is how it works.... the guy takes so much sh*t from her in form of little dumplings or dingle berries, piss and sometimes even the big crap until it gets too heavy to carry in silence or in solve it... so he then rams it back at her and covers her with the festered undealt sh*t that he carried on his shoulders... ofcourse the culprit is not to be blamed... instead just like the arrogant fools u are.. u look at which direction all that sh*t came from (selfie moment..? ur with me ppl?).

listen.. im not going to erase what or how i said it but i mean no deep offence to any human being. In the end we r ppl... man or woman... if we arent seeking the truth from an objective point if view then nothing matters or will be understood.

Much love to all or most of u ?


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## SecondTime'Round

I can't speak for any of the other women here, but I do not identify as a feminist. People can disagree with you without being a feminist. 

Maybe your wife isn't the best mother on the planet and doesn't feed her son perfect meals and doesn't get on the floor and play with him enough. One of the reasons for that is because she's been doing it alone and is tired. You're never around. Your job and your friends and your working out is more important. It can be tiring and, frankly, quite boring to be with a small child all day long. Try it sometime for a week or two!

The only thing you've taken any responsibility for here is hitting her twice, and even then you're full of excuses why it was not that bad of you to do that. Whatever, dude. You have a lot of other flaws besides the hitting. Starting with never being there for your wife except on Sundays.


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## SamuraiJack

Second Time Around is very spot on.

You are letting your wife languish.
The reason she spends all her time on the phone was because she wasnt getting enough emotional support and contact from you.

So now she is gone.
No big surprise from this end.
You taught her how to treat you by treating her that way.
So maybe you are a better teacher than you realized. 

BTW..not a feminsit here either....just a person who knows that its a good thing to treat everybody fairly.


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## turnera

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe your wife isn't the best mother on the planet and doesn't feed her son perfect meals and doesn't get on the floor and play with him enough. One of the reasons for that is because she's been doing it alone and is tired.


And almost certainly severely depressed from living with an abuser; all the symptoms you describe are (1) those of a clinically depressed person and (2) nearly always the end result of living with an abusive, hateful, derogatory man who doesn't treat you like a woman and a wife, but as property. A woman who sees no real way out, even when he 'says' to leave. Sounds like she's so far into the abuse victim mode that she SEES no way out; 90% of all female abuse victims will NOT report their man to the police, nor leave him, and if the police were to appear at your door, she would defend you to them because female abuse victims are programmed to need and protect their abusers. Most women who DO have the strength to leave will try to leave and RETURN to the abuser an average of 6 or 7 times before they have the real gumption to leave; his pull is that strong. Read any book on it and you'll see exactly what I just wrote.

And not a feminist here, either.


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## vellocet

ojs said:


> My son will soon learn much more profound things in life



Your son is going to learn how to physically abuse women.

Might as well start buying him wife beater tanks now.




> Can i tell u something


No, you can't. You aren't even worthy of shining my shoes.

Buh bye.


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## ojs

Guess this post went far enough with much to learn from... 

I wished one person wouldve taken a complete information and then criticized it rather than bits and pieces.

Far off when u said "she aint the best mom in the world" she's not even like a regular one damn it. 

I stayed with my son more than 2 weeks when she wanted to go on a trip with her freinds. We had an amazing time together. 

And dude... the last post... how could i shine ur shoes when its up ur... blahhh not worth it.

Like they say... hell is on its way... thank u but u shouldnt take sides...


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## manfromlamancha

So ojs, you have an interesting name on this board - did you think that OJS was guilty or innocent or well within his rights ??


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## scatty

If she is such a bad mother, why would you leave your son in her care for 16 hrs a day, plus time at the gym. You throw the word "feminist" around, so I will tell you what I think you are. A misgonist. 

To respond to the title of your thread "I don't know what I need?" You need therapy, a divorce, some time in jail and a smack in the jaw by someone bigger than you. You're welcome for the advice!


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## soccermom2three

scatty said:


> If she is such a bad mother, why would you leave your son in her care for 16 hrs a day, plus time at the gym.


I was going to ask the same thing. He's criticizing her mothering but isn't even home to be a proper father. He says she plays on her phone instead of her son. How does he know this if he's gone all day? And what the heck are doing all day, you're a teacher. Doesn't a teacher's day end at 3 or 4:00?


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## manfromlamancha

soccermom2three said:


> I find it really sad that there aren't more men on this thread shutting this guy down for hitting his wife.


Of course he would be a [email protected] to hit his wife or any woman or child for that matter. I would have laid into him if I thought this was real. 




manfromlamancha said:


> So ojs, you have an interesting name on this board - did you think that OJS was guilty or innocent or well within his rights ??



Have you noticed that his moniker is OJ Simpson's initials. He is some petty inadequate little man that hates women and is trying to push all of your buttons at the moment.


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## alphaomega

Yeah dude. 

Wtf? You don't hit people. 

And yelling because you left paper in your pocket before laundry?
Notice I wrote "You"

Check your own pockets, friend. What? Are you 5 years old? Nobody to blame but yourself. 

Get a divorce and stay single. 16 hour days are not healthy for a marriage, and then to top it off with workouts and other activities. 

Get a maid if that's what you want in life.


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## vellocet

I thought condoning violence and abuse was a bannable offense?


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