# Hope, A Divorce Busting Success Story, Kind Of



## Stretch

This is a story of hope for all of you that need one. 

After 14 months of 180/NC/Going Dark, my WAW told me last Thursday that she wants to get back together. There is tradgedy here but I know how desperately some of you need a glimmer of hope to hold on to, and there is a story of hope as well.

My WAW told me she was unhappy and wanted to leave in Aug of 2012, several days before our 22nd anniversary. I was devastated. She moved out. Read everything I could to get her back, been going to IC ever since, wrote one apology note in a way that was suggested in one of the books I read, eventually went dark, very little contact and 180.

No infidelity, no kids (by choice), just two people that were unable to communicate or understand (ME) that our marriage needed work. Those of you with infidelity in the mix, I am not sure how negatively it will impact your feelings towards this story.

Since she left, we have probably not had more than 15 to 20 encounters. At the beginning my actions were calculated and infrequent with the hope of giving here space but sending some indication that I still cared. IE, refinished a rocking chair that she wanted to give to a friend having first baby, invited her to the service that I joined my church.

We never spoke about the goals of our separation and one afternoon soon after she moved out, I asked to see her, gave her a copy of Divorce Busting and told her to call me if she decided to read it and find out if our marriage could be better than she ever though it could be. I also said that if I was not the man to make her happy she should see other people. This last statement ending up being a mistake on my part but not for the reasons you might think.

Two people begin to live their lives separately. Jump to October 2013. Last Wed, I get a "how are you" email out of the blue? After an all business response, I confirm that I will be filing papers in Dec for a Jan 2014 divorce. Another email Thur. I need to talk. We meet Thurs nite and it comes out in the conversation that she fell in love with me 25 years ago, has always loved me, wants to grow old together, does not want our marriage to end without knowing we tried to make it work.

There is very little financial incentive for her to reconcile or divorce, it's a not issue.

More of the story will come outwhich might temper everyone's enthusiasm, but I want you all to know, the 180/NC/working on myself has brought me to the brink of reconcilliation.

Be strong,
Stretch


----------



## Stretch

I want to share some things that I feel are important based on what has brought me to this point.

1. Divorce Busting works.

2. As hard as it is, set goals for your separation and rules that support them, TOGETHER. Not doing this has put reconcilliation in jeopardy for me and my WAW.

3. Stick with the 180, going dark and working on yourself. Whatever happens I am ready for it and I feel liberated.

4. If you think you can plan the timing of how these things will happen, don't. You are more of a rider than a driver when it comes to your spouse's actions.

Be strong,
Stretch


----------



## angstire

Thanks for the update, how does your gf play into this? What has your WAW done, what actions has she taken? Aside from her words?


----------



## Stretch

The timing of events has really created what will probably be a tragic outcome for my marriage.

The same day I told my wife she should see other people, I met my gf. We have had a great year together and my decision to pursue her was an acknowledgement that I felt my marriage was over and dead.

My WAW has also had a relationship in the last 14 months but when she felt she needed to work on our marriage she told her new man she needed time and broke it off.

In contrast, I told my gf about the WAW encounter/revelation and told my gf that I told my WAW that reconcilliation was probably not an option at this time because I was in love with someone else.

After extensive, conversations with my counselor, pastor, friends and family, I am probably going to have to tell my WAW that we cannot try to save our marriage at this time but I cannot predict what will happen in the future.

Here are some of the reasons for my decision.
1. Sadly, I do not have a physical attraction to my WAW these days.
2. I feel I will resent my WAW for havign to hurt my gf to reconcile.
3. There are parts of my marriage I do not miss, mostly around family interactions.
4. While I feel I am breaking my marriage promise, I do not think a reconcile would be successful due to the items above.

This has been a heartbreaking experience as I do not want my WAW to suffer the crippling pain I felt 14 months ago.

Stretch


----------



## angstire

Stretch, sounds like you've throught this through. Good for you.

Items 1 and 3 are deal breakers for certain. 

Item 2, eh, IMO, that's what happens in love, people get hurt. I think skipping the R is the right choice for you, based on what you've said. But skipping the R needs to be based on what's best for you, not for your GF or WAW.

As far as the heartbreaking pain, you have great empathy to care for your WAW's pain, but this is the outcome of her decision. I wouldn't be able to do that, but good for you that you can. It says a lot about you. Just don't act on trying to alleviate others' pain.

This is a tough test Stretch, it sounds like you're giving it the consideration deserved.


----------



## LostViking

Your wife is responsible for at least 50% of the issues in your marriage. Difference is, she chose to follow modern convention and walked out on you. You did the 180 and let her hook up with another man. You hooked up with a gf who you really like and are attracted to. 

I think there is a jealousy aspect to your wife seeing you happy with another woman. I don't think she wants you back because she misses you. I think she is trying to lure you back under her thumb so no other woman can have you. I think the thought of another woman making you happier than she was capable of bothers her. If you left your gf and went back to your wife , I think the reunion would be a short lived one. 

I agree you should split amicably with the waw and stay with the gf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stretch

Well,

After four hectic weeks of trying to rekindle my feelings for my WAW, we basically said goodbye last night.

I think it is an interesting outcome considering how devastated I was and how badly I wanted R at the beginning.

I guess this is just another weird turn in the most bizarre time of my life.

While nobody would believe me and I understand why, my decision has very little to do with being in another relationship and in my heart I know I am walking away because I cannot be with someone that I am no longer in love with even though I tried so hard to get that back.

My hope is for all of you out there to gain control over your lives to be able to make these decisions for YOU and your optimism for the future.

Thanks to all my friends here,
Stretch


----------



## angstire

Stretch said:


> While nobody would believe me and I understand why, my decision has very little to do with being in another relationship and in my heart I know I am walking away because I cannot be with someone that I am no longer in love with even though I tried so hard to get that back.
> 
> My hope is for all of you out there to gain control over your lives to be able to make these decisions for YOU and your optimism for the future.
> 
> Thanks to all my friends here,
> Stretch


Good for you Stretch, this is exactly the right reason to do it for. Bravo.

I wanted my X2 so badly and I still shed a couple tears a week missing her, but the R could never be for us, for the same reason you listed. Good for you for trying to see if it was still there. And good for you for pulling the plug for the right reasons.

Nice job.


----------



## cdbaker

Stretch, I have a question for you that relates to my experiences last year when I was in a similar situation, only I chose to let my wife back in. I was seeing a girl who I had honestly fallen for, and she for me, for only about three months, so certainly less than your relationship with your GF. My wife and I were separated for nearly two and a half years by the time I met the GF, and she had been seeing another man for much of that time as well. I think I was mostly dating just because I was lonely and wanted to experience new things while I sort of had a free pass to do so since she was with another guy. For any girl I would start to see however, it wouldn't take long of course before the question became, "So why aren't you divorced yet?!" Obviously can't blame them a bit for needing to know that. I had lots of perfectly valid and understandable reasons, but ultimately none that could hold up for more than a couple months. I know I lost one great girl after three months when she decided she couldn't continue with a guy who couldn't 100% commit to her exclusively.

So I have to ask. How has your GF been comfortable with being in a relationship with you for so long now while you have still been married? What was your explanation for that, and how did she approach it?

With my last GF, things were going amazingly well, I was finally ready to move forward with the divorce, then my wife came back and made it clear that she'd like to at least consider reconciliation. My attention was drawn away from my GF while I tried to manage both, but ultimately I decided that I should give it another try with my wife and I broke it off with the GF. I'm not sure if I would say that I have any regrets... not yet at least, but I do often wonder what could have been.


----------



## Stretch

CDB,

Kind of anti-climactic and not much help for you, but my GF is also still married. She had been separated from her stbxh for nine months when we met. My GF has started to press for me to continue to get my divorce while she delays for financial reasons. An unfortunate double standard that may play a significant role in our relationship over the next several months.
On a real nuts and bolts level, I have a tax driven reason to stayed married as long as I can but I will complete my D in early 2014.

Wish I had a straight answer. Hypothetically, I can legitimately and honestly say I am still M to pay lower taxes.

Stretch


----------



## Stretch

CDB,

Good luck in your quest to R. I am going to have some hard times dealing with the guilt that goes along with me not be ing able to attempt R at this time.

You can do it. Be the example so many here need,
Stretch


----------



## ne9907

Stretch said:


> Well,
> 
> After four hectic weeks of trying to rekindle my feelings for my WAW, we basically said goodbye last night.
> 
> I think it is an interesting outcome considering how devastated I was and how badly I wanted R at the beginning.
> 
> I guess this is just another weird turn in the most bizarre time of my life.
> 
> While nobody would believe me and I understand why, my decision has very little to do with being in another relationship and in my heart I know I am walking away because I cannot be with someone that I am no longer in love with even though I tried so hard to get that back.
> 
> My hope is for all of you out there to gain control over your lives to be able to make these decisions for YOU and your optimism for the future.
> 
> Thanks to all my friends here,
> Stretch


This post is giving me hope and making me feel better.
thank you so much for sharing 
Good luck to you Strech


----------



## SadOldDad

New to this web site and about to separate after failed attempts to R and found your experience a likely path mine will follow in time. Where can I find more info on 180/NC/Going Dark? searches show lots of references but no explanations. Thanks


----------



## Stretch

Strategies from Michele Wiener-Davis, Divorce Busting.

Very helpful for many here on TAM.

Stretch


----------



## sammy3

I will surly be following your story. Thanks for sharing. 

~sammy


----------



## Fordsvt

Sorry to hear you can't make it work. 
We are in the R part now. It's going ok. Three months ago she wanted out. We were done. Or so I thought. Then once she realized I was moving out and moving on she asked me to stay. To try and save the marriage. For you 2.5 years is a long time to be apart. I can see why your not going back. Don't think I would have went back after six months. That's what my wife was scared of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

