# Angry with H's family & MIL in particular



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Right now I am so angry with my MIL. I have been struggling with her attitude towards our kids and myself for years. H's family and his inability to see that they are not perfect is the last big issue that we cannot resolve.

Background to the latest issue: Our 2nd son is 23 & married to a lovely girl who is 29. Son works for MIL & has done since he was 16; he did an apprenticeship through her, the same as my H did at the same age. He is on a very low wage there for a tradesperson, about 1/2 or less of the average Australian wage. Certainly not something a family could live on. DIL works as a school teacher, her wage is twice sons.

Son & DIL decided earlier this year they would start a family as DIL was not getting any younger & she has issues with endometrioses so getting pregnant might be an issue as she gets older. Son went to talk to his grandmother & talked to her about his low wage & the fact they would not be able to live on his wage alone, thus he would probably have to look for another job. Her solution then was that they don't have children. She told this to me.

So, now they are pregnant, after 8 months of trying. Son went to see his grandmother yesterday, & said he was going to be looking for another job in one of the large industries in the town they live in. Well, apparently she went ape-shvt crazy. She told him he had just been using her company, she told him to be out of there by Friday, & then she refused to talk to him for the rest of the day. Really? From a 65 yo woman?

Son rang H last night to talk to him. H tried to justify his mother's actions to son the whole conversation. I was so angry. I know why she is upset. She is not going to get another mug who will work for our son does, she will have to pay someone an actual liveable wage to take the job, & in that case, why does she not pay son more?

In case you are wondering, she can afford to pay him more. She pays her good for nothing daughter a fortune to work there, as well as all said daughter's bill and lets her live in her rental house for free. My SIL has 1 child who gets all of the MIL attention & time.

Son & DIL have discussed her going back to work & son staying home with the baby, however, they have discarded this idea as they have researched & feel that it is not for them. DIL will go back to work after 6 months at home, unless they have a baby who is as sick as DIL was when she was a baby, (harelip, cleft palette, deformed ENT).

MIL has NEVER remembered my kid's birthday, ever, without H sending her a text on their birthdays. Then what he gets in return is a text telling him to say happy birthday to them. H excuses her by saying she is busy. Sure, but she can remember her other grandchild's birthday.

There is so much more that has happened over the years, yet each time, H will defend his mother & throw the kids & myself to the wolves. Sometimes when these things happen, I just want to tell him to go back to Mummy. He is 47 & still tied to the apron strings.

Anyway, I have decided I will have as little to do with his family as possible from now on in. The hurt that MIL & SIL have inflicted on us is too much for me now.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Share the frustration with a spouse who doesn't back you up and defend you. And really, that's the bottom line. You are his top priority and You are the person he needs to defend.

Having said that, when H and I get into it over family drama, what he is really trying to do is to diffuse the situation because he hates conflict. And maybe that's what you H is trying to do, or thinks he should do...diffuse it and wait and it will work itself out.

So maybe our passions might run a little too high, or maybe they are deservedly incensed! Our H need to understand that not all conflict should be immediately diffused and sometimes empathizing with your wife and her anger would in itself help diffuse the sitch.

Your poor son. That is so unfair. So is grandma a bit of a narcissist?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bellavista said:


> Anyway, I have decided I will have as little to do with his family as possible from now on in.


Good. There's the solution.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

turnera said:


> Good. There's the solution.


Yes, ultimately in the end she is the one who misses out. She has missed great chunks of our kids' lives. She has had almost nothing to do with our granddaughter, her great grandchild, and it seems she will probably have little to do with the next one as well, as my son is not inclined to take his child near her when it is born.

The hardest part for me, is seeing that my kids can see that she treats her other granddaughter so much differently. MIL is married to a man younger than her, so his grandkids are still young. She goes, by herself, to watch his g/kids soccer games, she has them at her house all of the time, she visits their families often. She has NEVER visited us, in any of the houses we have lived in, in 25 years of marriage!

TBH, I don't know what I have done, to make her this against our family. She even aided and abetted my H when he has his affair many years ago, and when I asked her later why she did not tell me what was going on, she said it was none of her business. What a biatch.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My dad married an evil woman and because of something she did, I had to cut her AND my dad out of ours and our daughter's life. Truth is, though, DD23 couldn't care less that she lost out on time with them.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

I agree that the solution is to have as little contact with her as possible. Your husband does not know how to handle her; he should be defending your son, but he obviously does not want to incur her wrath. What is your FIL like? I'll bet he avoids conflict with her too.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

skype said:


> I agree that the solution is to have as little contact with her as possible. Your husband does not know how to handle her; he should be defending your son, but he obviously does not want to incur her wrath. What is your FIL like? I'll bet he avoids conflict with her too.


My MIL is on her third marriage. My H's father left when their kids were little. The next marriage was the result of an affair, as is the current one. Her current husband is someone for whom I have no respect or affection. He has also said things that have wounded deeply and affected the family dynamic.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> Yes, ultimately in the end she is the one who misses out. She has missed great chunks of our kids' lives. She has had almost nothing to do with our granddaughter, her great grandchild, and it seems she will probably have little to do with the next one as well, as my son is not inclined to take his child near her when it is born.
> 
> The hardest part for me, is seeing that my kids can see that she treats her other granddaughter so much differently. MIL is married to a man younger than her, so his grandkids are still young. She goes, by herself, to watch his g/kids soccer games, she has them at her house all of the time, she visits their families often. She has NEVER visited us, in any of the houses we have lived in, in 25 years of marriage!
> 
> TBH, I don't know what I have done, to make her this against our family. She even aided and abetted my H when he has his affair many years ago, and when I asked her later why she did not tell me what was going on, she said it was none of her business. What a biatch.


My fathers mother was like that too. She hated us because she hated our mother. She died all alone and there were 7 people at her funeral and none of them gave sh!t about her.

Once we were old enough to see that her problem was indeed her problem, we refused to have anything to do with her. My father never pushed it. He visited, but never asked us to visit.

That's what your H needs to do. As you all distance yourself from her, he needs to support that by not defending her, by not trying to rebuild fences, and by respecting the distance you all need. Those are easy to understand, cause we know our men need simple to understand instructions on how to support us, to give to your H.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> My MIL is on her third marriage. My H's father left when their kids were little. The next marriage was the result of an affair, as is the current one. Her current husband is someone for whom I have no respect or affection. He has also said things that have wounded deeply and affected the family dynamic.


She is not going to change at 65. I would definitely avoid these toxic people. They enjoy manipulating and using others. When you do have to encounter her, try for calm comebacks that let her know how out of line she is. I always think of great responses the next day, when my outrage over their behavior has subsided.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I agree: cut her and her H off. She sounds petulant.

The good news is that son doesn't have to deal with her after Friday.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" and walking away goes a long way with people like her.


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