# daughter driving me insane! adult daughter moved home



## golfergirl

My 19 year old daughter attends school an hour and a half away during school months. She has come home for summer months to save money and work. I don't know what to do. She was told she needed to follow a few simple rules 1) keep room tidy (trying to sell house so can have people come through moment's notice). 2) She's not to create messes in family areas 3) she is to help out with chores. 4) if she doesn't come home at night, she is to text me to let me know (for safety reasons as in if there is a fire, do I run in to save her or is she not there). My H got her a job for summer ($18 an hour, can work the odd weekend shift while in school) and the final rule was 5) if she didn't want to work a shift, say no right off the bat, don't accept it then call in sick or scramble to find someone to take your shift. Sounds like weird rule, given her history, it is necessary. Well she's been here since May 27th and her room still isn't unpacked properly. On weekend, we found pork chop bones on coffee table. Her chore was to weed front flower bed, we've been waiting for her to finish a 2X2 patch since Saturday and this is the third night she hasn't arrived home - no text. We were working on a flooded crawl space hauling out ruined stuff to the dump, everyone starting at 9, she wanders in at 12:45 because she needed me time. And she accepted two shifts this weekend and is now trying to give them away as she wants a weekend away with bf. When they were planning, I did advise her to book unavailable - but what does mom know? All talks end with her promising to do better but it's just talk. Or b!tches that she isn't in the 'mood' for this. I can't 'punish' her. What do I do? I am considering packing up all her 'mess' and storing in the shed (clothes all over room) as that does affect us re: house sale. She is not coming home next summer - I won't allow it. Do I suck it up this year and learn for next time?
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## Runs like Dog

mine get up at the crack of 2pm
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## golfergirl

Runs like Dog said:


> mine get up at the crack of 2pm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she'd friggen come home she'd be up at at least 10. My 16 year old son is working his a$$ off at a job and pitching in a much as he can here. She stays at her bf's place (they both work shiftwork, so partying on a Tuesday isn't unheard of). Arghh
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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I went through this with my son.
He would pee in bottles and leave them there on the floor.
Mind you he slept in a place where the door was 2 feet away from bed and we live in the woods, no issue with him opening the door and whizzing wherever he pleased. Less hassle than aiming into a bottle and capping it and then having to deal with it later?
I managed to get through the end of summer but then in winter different issues I asked him to leave. Yes, I broke my agreement. I offered him the amount of money he would have 'saved' by the home-work situation and said he could go stay with his girlfriend. He said you're kidding I said no.

Now we have a fabulous relationship and we had a definite apron-string cutting moment to remember. It was over his distaste of chicken that was natural but not organic. LOL. 

He and his girlfriend both visit me and my younger kids and I visit them. He joined the Army National Guard and has taken complete charge of his finances and other paperwork. If he asks me to do something for him it is usually with many thanks and an apology. And only if he is really at the end of having made a decent and sincere attempt/s to do it himself. 

When we reviewed the past, I told him that I thought that if I continued 'helping' him I was sending him a message that I didn't think he could manage on his own. I told him it was important for him to see what happens when you have roommates in a cotenancy situation and you do not abide by the agreements of cohabitation. I was much kinder than some male roommates might be about bottles of pee left out. I am sure of that.

Maybe you are trying too hard to help her.
Try less and maybe it will be more helpful to her in the long run.

The results and feedback I received from my son and his girlfriend who knew all about this, was so positive, that it gave me the courage to stand up to my H too. But if you asked me whether I would have wanted to do either sooner or wait til later I would say no the timing of giving fair chances and using rational discussion and practical limit setting (the fire and text thing is entirely reasonable) vs. being entirely taken advantage of and subjected to crazy making behavior over and over again...is a fine line. 

So the short story is that my son was too picky about organic chicken which he wasn't even paying for. Kind of a laugh now because we are both vegetarians now although he is in boot camp
so having to eat things like fried rabbit I suppose.


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## Runs like Dog

That first or second summer home from college is a pain. They think they're all grown up and don't have to do **** or listen to anyone. Thankfully the youngest is moved back already. His older brother just got a post graduation FT job. But the past few weeks were irritating.


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## WhereAmI

I'd divide up the amount of money that she's saving by the number of days she's going to be in home. If she breaks one of your ground rules, she needs to pay rent for that day. If she's going to behave as though she owns the home, then she should put forth the money required to maintain it.
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## BigToe

I feel your pain but unfortunately have no advice. If you find a solution PLEASE let me know so I can fix the same issues in my household.


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## golfergirl

BigToe said:


> I feel your pain but unfortunately have no advice. If you find a solution PLEASE let me know so I can fix the same issues in my household.


I hit all the parenting stress age groups - college kid home for summer, teenage boy just got his license and bought own car, toddler who has extended the terrible 2's to age 3 and beyond and 7 month old teether. Sucker for punishment!!!
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## Runs like Dog

As long as after they leave, they don't come back with a wife and kids in tow.... Because I am done with that ****.


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## SHYONcE

Maybe cut to the chase and tell her that her intention to 'save money and work' is potentially costing you money with the pending sale of your house and she is not keeping up with the agreement. As a former college student with parents like you maybe, i think she will not like it, but in the long run its probably an important lesson as a parent that should be taught. I was out partying and doing drugs my 1st summer back... not just pot. It was a short faze and i shortly left it alone after bad stuff. Im not saying she is doing any of that, but my parents generally didnt ask or involve themselves with what i was doing and as a parent now, i dont think i would be that lenient. sorry if this is bad advice.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

golfergirl said:


> I hit all the parenting stress age groups - college kid home for summer, teenage boy just got his license and bought own car, toddler who has extended the terrible 2's to age 3 and beyond and 7 month old teether. Sucker for punishment!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that teether is also nursing you really are gonna get the trophy.:rofl:


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## golfergirl

SHYONcE said:


> Maybe cut to the chase and tell her that her intention to 'save money and work' is potentially costing you money with the pending sale of your house and she is not keeping up with the agreement. As a former college student with parents like you maybe, i think she will not like it, but in the long run its probably an important lesson as a parent that should be taught. I was out partying and doing drugs my 1st summer back... not just pot. It was a short faze and i shortly left it alone after bad stuff. Im not saying she is doing any of that, but my parents generally didnt ask or involve themselves with what i was doing and as a parent now, i dont think i would be that lenient. sorry if this is bad advice.


I appreciate you taking the time to respond. You have a valid point worth considering. I'm glad you are back on track.
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## golfergirl

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If that teether is also nursing you really are gonna get the trophy.:rofl:


Yay I win! Nursing for a year!
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## Runs like Dog

Don't forget, 27 is the new 18.


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## turnera

She's not an adult yet. Set rules with consequences. Every time I find something you left out, it goes to Good Will. Every time I find trash you didn't throw away and I have to do it, I'm taking $10 from your paycheck. If the flower bed isn't weeded by Sunday 6pm, I'm taking $50 from your paycheck to pay to get it done. And so on. She'll get it once it starts affecting her lifestyle.


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## turnera

OH, and if you don't like it, there's the door.


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## OhGeesh

Good luck!! School starts again soon :smthumbup:

I don't handle older kids well!! My daughter left college, screwed up royally, etc etc and let's say she isn't moving home!! 

Never ever ever!! I like my little utopia without her drama in it.


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## Runs like Dog

The angry outrage of 20-something anarchists and Marxists blogging their class struggle fury from the Macbook I paid for. Viva La Revolucion. And pay my phone bill.

At least when I lived in Africa, we'd watch the locals scream "Yankee Go Home!!! (and take us with you)".


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