# I swear...NEXT TIME...NO REACTION.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh my God, how many times have I said it to myself. 
HOW
MANY
TIMES.

The NEXT time he communicates with me disrespectfully...
the NEXT time he: snaps, barks, takes his fist and bangs it on the table in exasperation...

I will NOT react. 
I will let him know that when he wants to talk about x, y, or z calmly and without acting like that, then I'll be happy to. Then I'll drop x, y, or z until he can show me that.

What will that accomplish?
I honestly don't know. He'll say, "Fine." Then God knows if we'll ever talk about x, y, or z. (which we'll need to).

I said it last time too. And the time before.

Right now I'm just fuming though. And he just left for work again. He refused to apologize. He called me "mean" for being neutral with my kiss goodbye to him.

So instead of demanding an apology, I said, "I'm sorry you felt that was mean. Did you think banging your fist on the table was the most mature thing for you to do? I wish you had been a little more patient."

Then he left for work. At 9:30 at night.

I swear (and pray my little heart) to God, it's like he believes he can and should be able to act like whatever kind of ***** he feels like, whenever, with no accountability or standards, but I don't have the same right to have or express MY feelings. DOUBLE STANDARD.

I'm so upset. If this does not get better........


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Dear Husband of mine,

Why do you get to express any feeling you want, any time you want, with any level of provocation, no matter how small, and I don't?

Why do you get to bark and snap and lose your patience at the drop of a hat, but I get called "mean" if I indicate that I don't like that?

Why do you get to be angry or annoyed whenever you want, and I don't?

Why do you lose your patience almost every time we discuss anything, but I don't enjoy the freedom to express my feelings about this and have you accept them?

Do you realize, dear husband, that there is a better way to live?

Do you know, dear husband, that I intend to live that way?

I'd love for you to join me.

But I won't try to drag you there anymore. You've got to want to.

If you don't, I won't live with you in the place where you bark and I cower.

I can't fit in that place.

Can you fit where I want us to live?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Maybe next time he does it I'll just stop, look at him, and take a deep breath and not say anything. Just look at him.
I swear to God I tried tonight.
I asked him to please calm down. "Can you please not go crazy? Can you please calm down? Jeez, lighten up!"

Which made him feel like I was trying to control him, so he didn't back down. 

No, I don't fear he's going to hurt me. I just fear I'm destined to live my whole life with someone who should just live alone, for crying out loud.

But good God, if you're going to live wiht someone else in a marriage relationsihp, it's NICER to just say "Gee, I'm sorry I acted so silly" once in awhile!

This is EXHAUSTING!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't know why you say next time you won't react and will treat him like a child which is what you described in my opinion. Yuck, I don't want to have to treat my husband like a child. What a dope. You should actually kick him out and if he won't leave call 911. If he's not willing to change, this way he'll be forced to change or get out of your life for good. Who wants to wait around with a ticking time bomb in their life?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

How do you react towards your husband when he acts like this?
Does he have a reason to be angry or is it just dumb stuff he gets angry about? Perhaps out of jealousy.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

No, it's not jealousy and it's not anything I really fear.
Just his personality.
He thinks he should have the freedom to act or speak any way he wants. He's arrogant.
He got home from work at 1:30 am. 
I tried to get some kind of connection from him after he'd come to bed and was falling asleep (my mistake, shouldn't wake him), and it turned into a huge ugly blowout in which he stormed out the door. at 2:30 am.
Great.
Not healthy, I know. Sounds horrible. Is horrible. Is why I'm on a "talk about marriage" forum at 3 am.
We're in counseling, though in the heat of his rage just now he sputtered something about not bothering anymore.
Yes, this is horrendous, I know.
We just got married over the summer, and I'm thinking of walking if this doesn't get better. 
How depressing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> No, it's not jealousy and it's not anything I really fear.
> Just his personality.
> He thinks he should have the freedom to act or speak any way he wants. He's arrogant.
> He got home from work at 1:30 am.
> ...


I wont say anything about your husbands anger because I just don’t know.

But you do seem to have serious boundary problems. How on earth could you expect your husband to be in the right frame of mind at 1:30 in the morning when he’s got home from work and trying to get some sleep? Want to push your husband’s buttons? You are going exactly the right way about it.

By the book referred to in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html, sounds like you both need to discover and set healthy boundaries.

Bob


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you, Bob.
But it may just be too late.
I can apologize till i'm blue in the face for waking him.
But can't he apologize for banging his fist on the table at 9 pm, long before I overstepped those boundaries.
He is in "give up" mode at the moment.
I don't know when he'll walk back through the door, if he's actually going to cancel our two wedding receptions as he threatened, or if he's going to bother coming to our counseling appointment Monday.
And I can't swallow the notion that I'm really such an intolerable shrew that he can't take it anymore.
I support him, don't whine about his long hours at work, take care of him, I'm smart and very attractive, faithful, trustworthy, very loving. Come on, I know I'm not perfect but his extreme behavior would have you think I start out ranting and raving like s psycho.
And when he's the one yelling, he doesn't see himself yelling. He sees me as the only one to blame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thank you, Bob.
> But it may just be too late.
> I can apologize till i'm blue in the face for waking him.
> But can't he apologize for banging his fist on the table at 9 pm, long before I overstepped those boundaries.
> ...


Credamdóchasgra, sounds like a power struggle?

Bob


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Oh, totally. 
He came home this morning, gave me a long hug, and we had a long talk.
And then a decent day together.
I honestly was expecting worse. Perhaps much worse. 
I appreciate your feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm glad you had a good long talk, but tigers don't change their stripes overnight.

A common statement is we have to want to change, though we can temporarily (days) change our behavior in order to calm our spouses, most people will revert pretty quickly.

Good luck.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> I'm glad you had a good long talk, but tigers don't change their stripes overnight.
> 
> A common statement is we have to want to change, though we can temporarily (days) change our behavior in order to calm our spouses, most people will revert pretty quickly.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you.

I know...I am 4 months into this marriage and I won't feel right in myself walking away yet. But I won't spend years waiting for him to change. (The preceding was an excerpt from a longer post. Refer to "General Relationship Discussion" for full text. )


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Go to Toys R. Us and pick up a can of play-doh or some other toddler's toy. When he communicates as a child, present him with his gift and calmly tell him you need to discuss adult matters with an adult. When he can leave his tantrums in the sandbox you will be happy to try the conversation again.


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