# Give Him A Chance....Or Cut Him Off??



## Live-Life (Sep 22, 2014)

I am an attractive female in my early 30’s and have a relationship dilemma. My fiancé and I got engaged about 2 years ago shortly after discovering my pregnancy. Our daughter is now 1 and he came off as being this down to earth family man at first but now he just seems down right strange to me. He seems like a very depressed and unhappy person and that’s not how I flow at all. I’m used to guys that hold conversations and just talk about anything, want to go places, and just like being near me. I understand that sometimes people just feel like being off to themselves and having their space but this behavior is bipolar like. Sometimes he is upbeat and talkative and the very next second he is distant and has a nasty attitude. This pattern repeats throughout the day…all-day…..everyday! I refuse to live like this because I have a teenage daughter and before he came into the picture we were very happy and it seems like since we have gotten a place together he has put a damper on our household. He has always slept on the couch but never goes anywhere to make me think he is cheating. He has been like this since the day we got into a serious relationship and this is why we are still engaged because I’m not sure about this one. On three different occasions he has attempted to plan our wedding. He ran all over town getting caterers together, venue brochures, and all the things women normally get hyped up about but I’m just not understanding if he wants to get married to me so bad why does he act distant and like such a miserable person... Neither one of us has ever been married before but I for one know that marriage is not going to make things better if it’s already shaky. We haven’t has any major issues in the relationship just a few arguments about his attitude.

And to add…He is a business professional and puts on a facade like he is this clean cut guy that likes standards and women with standard…but the track record isn’t looking so good. He has a few ex’s that were nice classy professional women that seem down to earth and easy to get along with but he seems like he didn’t respect them as much as the females that didn’t really have themselves together and needed him to carry them financially and mentally?? Does he want to feel needed? As bad as I want to make our family work, I don’t mind us going in separate directions to have a piece of mind. I do not feel respected and I am ready to be treated like the queen I should be treated like because I like treating my man like a king when the respect is there. What is this and what do I do people because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I voted cut him off.

Never accept behavior or treatment from your partner or anyone, that is below the standard which you are accustomed to , and which you are accustomed giving them.

Come on, three times this man has promised to marry you and even went on to start planning, only to back down and disappoint.

That's disrespect and by accepting it or giving him another chance , you are enabling him , or telling him it's ok to treat you like that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Why does he sleep on the couch "all the time"?

What have you done to deal with his "attitude" and have you confronted him about it? 

What do you think YOU might be doing wrong?

Have you guys sat down and spoken about YOUR concerns and how serious it might be to your relationship?

Glad you guys live together prior to marriage. Anyways, right now, it's hard to answer your question based on what you provided us with.


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## Live-Life (Sep 22, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback!

Misunderstanding....I have been the one to stop him from wedding planning because I do not understand why we are getting married with the current situation. I am not happy about how we are living. He tries to plan our wedding all the time but I do not care to proceed because of the sleeping on the couch, attitude & etc. 

I have confronted him about the sleeping on the couch and his attitude but he says that's just the way he is, he is a thinker and if he gets quiet or acts a certain way do not take it personal and think that he is distant or lashing out. The sleeping on the couch, I can say he has always done that, when he had his own place and lived with his mother and each time there were plenty of bed to sleep on. But I would think if you want to be with someone and know that is the normal way to live or that would make the person happy, you would make an exception. 

I feel like maybe marriage is not for everyone. Everyone may get lonely and need a friend or companionship, to hang out with and talk to every now and then but he seem to me to be the type that would be happy living as a bachelor. Just his lifestyle tells me that. He's seems like the type of person that is happy living alone with a just futon couch, a dog, and nothing fancy. 

I personally feel that even though he keeps talking about marriage, it's not in his best interest but he is just trying to go with the flow because we have a child together. I really do not think it is me or anything that I am doing (although it may be, not trying to exclude myself) but his mother told me about some of the things I may experience & how he was when we first moved together. I feel he may have jumped from relationship to relationship to quickly to take time out and be happy with himself.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OP

Don't overlook your gut feeling. If something is off it is very likely off. Small problems now will become big later. I say follow your instincts on this.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OK

Make a list of things that bother you/issues list and prioritize them.

Mark deal breakers and start talking to him about those first.

Sleeping on the couch is a HUGE issue. Probably to you as well. Tell him you need him in bed. 

Tell him you NEED intimacy on regular basis.

Talk to him, and give him a chance to work on himself and adjust. That's really what marriage is about. Working on issues as a team.

How he handles it is what will make or break your current relationship.

And by ALL means DO NOT marry this guy unless he proves to you that he is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I don't agree on DUMPING him or quitting though. Relationships require WORK, quitting will NOT teach you how to work as a team and communicate.

And that's what the foundation of healthy relationship IS.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I voted to *discuss and talk about it*....communication on every level would always be my 1st attempt -when there is an issue in any relationship... as this allows him the honest heart to heart opportunity to understand exactly how you are feeling, the WHY's ...his response...and also ....when you decide to turn your back on him (which has the most votes here).. he will not be blindsided.. but left with the knowledge..."well I guess I really Fcked this up... I didn't take her seriously".. and look where I am now...




> *Live-Life said*:* I have confronted him about the sleeping on the couch and his attitude but he says that's just the way he is, he is a thinker and if he gets quiet or acts a certain way do not take it personal and think that he is distant or lashing out. *The sleeping on the couch, I can say he has always done that, when he had his own place and lived with his mother and each time there were plenty of bed to sleep on. *But I would think if you want to be with someone and know that is the normal way to live or that would make the person happy, you would make an exception. *


 Ok ...sounds you have spoken to him.. and he just wants you to ACCEPT his quirk in this.. but you don't. .you want MORE...you want the normal marital "sleeping together as husband & wife"...you know this WILL become a HUGE issue.. it would with someone like me too.. I wouldn't like my H sleeping in the couch, it's so comforting to go to bed with someone , cuddle, make love in the middle of the night, wake up to.. let him know this is NOT how you envision marriage, and quite frankly.. it's bordering a "deal breaker" for you.. that's honest!



> *I feel like maybe marriage is not for everyone. Everyone may get lonely and need a friend or companionship, to hang out with and talk to every now and then but he seem to me to be the type that would be happy living as a bachelor. Just his lifestyle tells me that. He's seems like the type of person that is happy living alone with a just futon couch, a dog, and nothing fancy.*


 I agree with you on this.. I would view what you have spoken very similar.. and if you WANT more than this, don't allow him to belittle it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I'm from the school of thought that if you are NOT married & you are already experiencing a lot of BS - cut them off. Who wants to marry into bull$hit?


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

You are in your 30s and still not married despite you had been in relationship before this AND you are attractive..

Why?

Is your standard too high? Or do you run away from problems?

Can you tell us what specifically that made you feel disrespected?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

My husband, had many times behaved in ways that I deemed as rightly rude and he could be seen as arrogant at times.

But hey, I don't just cut him off and find another man. We talked, and sometimes argued - with tears and grr! We even bring up divorce and even really wanted to get away FAR from each other....

But, we got over the storm and now most of the time we go through short drizzles and it is always rainbow at the end. 

Yeah, cut him off, because he is a human and not perfect. Find another new man, again and again everytime you are angry/disappointed/sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

yours4ever said:


> You are in your 30s and still not married despite you had been in relationship before this AND you are attractive..
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


Are you serious?? Would you tell your daughter she should marry a bi-polar man who sleeps on the couch and disrespects her??


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

yours4ever said:


> My husband, had many times behaved in ways that I deemed as rightly rude and he could be seen as arrogant at times.
> 
> But hey, I don't just cut him off and find another man. We talked, and sometimes argued - with tears and grr! We even bring up divorce and even really wanted to get away FAR from each other....
> 
> ...


and how long are you together in this yo-yo relationship? Because I, after 20 years am tired and exhausted, and there is absolutely no rainbowa at the end anymore. Just rain.


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## Live-Life (Sep 22, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Are you serious?? Would you tell your daughter she should marry a bi-polar man who sleeps on the couch and disrespects her??


I don't know if it is where I am from or what but guys with at least a car and their own place was hard to find. I no longer live in my hometown but decent guys were just that limited and long distance relationships weren't working.

I feel disrespected because when it comes to just asking a simple question or trying to hold a conversation, I get a short snappy answer in return. Also he just keeps a mad face on around the house, but when coming in contact with most anybody else in public it's all smiles and a fake humble spirit comes over him.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

When he heads for the couch, tell him you want him in bed with you. If he says no, ask what his feelings are. If you show affection and he does not respond,tell him this bothers you. If not a decent response, say marriage counseling is needed to facilitate communication.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Live-Life said:


> I* don't know if it is where I am from or what but guys with at least a car and their own place was hard to find. I no longer live in my hometown but decent guys were just that limited and long distance relationships weren't working.
> *
> I feel disrespected because when it comes to just asking a simple question or trying to hold a conversation, I get a short snappy answer in return. Also he just keeps a mad face on around the house, but when coming in contact with most anybody else in public it's all smiles and a fake humble spirit comes over him.


So, you settled. This is not the kind of man/relationship that you do for life. You are already not happy, why in the world would you make it permanent?


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Live-Life said:


> I don't know if it is where I am from or what but guys with at least a car and their own place was hard to find. I no longer live in my hometown but decent guys were just that limited and long distance relationships weren't working.
> 
> I feel disrespected because when it comes to just asking a simple question or trying to hold a conversation, I get a short snappy answer in return. Also he just keeps a mad face on around the house, but when coming in contact with most anybody else in public it's all smiles and a fake humble spirit comes over him.


.
.
I used to be hyper sensitive, moody and always lashed out at my husband...for at least one year.

What changed? I realIzed how my moodiness affected him and i learn to control my thoughts and reactions.

.
Get him these books:
1) getting control of your anger by robbert allan.
2)happy for no reason by marci shimoff.

.
.
Very eye opening for me.
Never give up a person until you have tried many different ways. That's what love it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> and how long are you together in this yo-yo relationship? Because I, after 20 years am tired and exhausted, and there is absolutely no rainbowa at the end anymore. Just rain.


This coming december will be our third year. I read a Lot of self help books and he is always willing to put effort for us (after both bad and clear communications).

Knowledge is indeed power. ....
.
[[life will give us the same problems until we learn an effective way to solve it]].. 

All the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> This coming december will be our third year. I read a Lot of self help books and he is always willing to put effort for us (after both bad and clear communications).
> 
> Knowledge is indeed power. ....
> .
> ...


For self help, I really like: What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman Ph.D.. The book is based on actual research at the University of Washington's "Love Laboratory" There is also a chapter on cheating spouses. This book helped my own marriage a lot.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Encourage your partner to pursue self-care and clearly paint your boundary on the issue. These books are widely regarded: David Burns: Feeling Good Series


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Run......


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

This one is a must:
By teresa aubele, phd , stan wenck, EdD and susan reynolds.

(sciertific ways) 
Train Your Brain to GET HAPPY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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