# Input PLEASE!



## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

Ok I just got married in August to a man I have been seeing for 5 years. I thought everything was absolutley perfect. 3 days ago I found 3 conversations all offering sex and requesting pictures again. My world fell apart. All conversations have happened the 3 times I have been out of town. He claims he had no idea about the conversations and he must have been too drunk to have his phone and his best friend claims it was him playing a "joke". This does not feel like a joke to me and I am struggling to pretend like everything is normal. I just can't stand the way I feel should I beleive that this is not him like I so badly want to or am I being played for a fool.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

His friend does do stupid things alot. I've been trying to justify these three conversations for three days. I talked to the other woman and she said they never seen eachother it was just all talk on phone. I can't even sleep anymore. I wish there was a way to know for absolute fact one way or the other.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

There are ways to try to learn more about what is going on. Don't just give up totally. I didn't get on here soon enough like you. My marriage was already done except for the divorce. 

Just keep posting and someone will help you with getting a recording device or something. I don't know how to do it or i would tell you.

I really feel bad for you. It is hell when you don't know for sure.  Hang in there a bit longer. I'm sorry you're hurting.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> His friend does do stupid things alot. I've been trying to justify these three conversations for three days. I talked to the other woman and she said they never seen eachother it was just all talk on phone. I can't even sleep anymore. I wish there was a way to know for absolute fact one way or the other.


So the story about the friend calling was a lie? The other woman admits it was your husband, but it was all just talk on the phone? Or is the story that not only did the so-called "friend" use the phone, but he also pretended to be your husband? Knowing that you would see it and it would be a big joke on you?

Sorry, the simplest explanation is usually correct.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> I've been trying to justify these three conversations for three days.


"I've been trying to justify" = "I've been trying to lie to myself about the obvious truth."

Look at the threads on this forum and see if these statements strike you as true:

1. The cheater always lies when caught, only admitting to what the evidence reveals, nothing more (when I say "always," I don't mean 1,000 out of 1,000; more like 998 out of 1,000).

2. The betrayed spouse always hangs on to any shred of hope that their eyes and ears are deceiving them and their lying cheater is telling them the truth (although deep down they don't really believe that or else they wouldn't be posting here).

How come your husband goes out with his "friend" and gets so drunk he can't remember anything every time you leave town? That alone seems like a huge potential problem to me. What's wrong with your husband? Does he have a drinking problem? If his drinking is causing problems in his marriage, then the answer is "yes."

That friend of his is no friend of yours.


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## Titannia (Jan 25, 2013)

Hi Confusedwife2012, I myself am having some similar issues with friends and messages. There may never be solid proof, or it may atleast take a while. If it's worth it to you hang in there longer, but become a spy as much as possible without him knowing. Don't trust his friends, that whole bond thing. And try to keep calm, it will help you more than you know


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you get the phone bills, see how often the number appears on the history.

C


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> 3 days ago I found 3 conversations all offering sex and requesting pictures *again*.


Again? This happened before?

T


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

How old are you and your H? Mid to late twenties?

I'm confused about this story. Is the "friend" the OW?

Him telling you it was a joke is an insult. Do you have that kind of relationship, where either of you makes a lot of jokes of a sexual nature with your group of friends?

Like others said, save your evidence and don't provide the source.

Can you check his email, FB? Snooping is perfectly justified in this case. 

He will continue to lie to you until he is busted wide open and feels like a$$ for it. Just know that.

You could also pretend to go out of town for a weekend and spy.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Phone records..as someone already said, look at your\his phone records. 

Also time to snoop some like staystrong mentioned.

This will eat you up until you know..and I hate to say it but it doesn't look good. His friend only played jokes on him when you were out of town? he said he didn't talk to her but you confirmed he did! Again, the phone records will be your proof.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm sorry you're here with this.

You have a few options. First, though, stop talking to him about the cheating and the messages. Never ever tell him your source of information. He knows you looked at the phone but now you have to stop telling him what you know and how you found out. If he is cheating he will try to go around your detection methods.

Second, keylog the computer he uses. You can see everything he does online and you might discover secret email or social media accounts.

Third, consider spyware on his phone. This is trickier and not easy to hide from him especially if he is tech savvy.

Fourth, talk to a lawyer asap to learn what your local divorce process is. Most lawyers will give you a free 10 or 15 minute session and you can get basic questions answered. Some do it on the phone, others in their office.

Fifth, consider a lie detector test. They are not perfect but in your case it could get you some answers.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

No we don't have that kind of relationship at all where sexual jokes are ever played. And the drinking was never a problem until I found these conversations and he said he must have been too drunk to have his phone. And all the messages were through facebook and text messages. The text messages have all been deleted which is where the pictures were receieved. I've never stooped to looking through a cell phone until last night which only makes me feel worse about the situation. Being forced to live like this when I was so happy a few days ago seems so unfair.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Another option is to file for divorce and make him fight to prove his way back in. This is a tough hard approach but in your case it might be worth considering. You don't have a lot of years in the marriage and you don't have kids, businesses, etc. If he isn't willing to move mountains to prove his innocence you have your answer quickly.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You need to focus, ConfusedWife2012. Gather evidence slyly and then approach. Cool, calm and collected. Don't lose it and let him gain the upper hand. Show strength.

For the moment, stop worrying about what's fair and not fair. I know it's hard because your head feels like it's being stretched out in disbelief, but you need to do this for yourself. 

Thor, it seems like the EA is still early enough that a divorce threat is unwarranted. I think she should at least wait until she finds evidence of a PA before filing for a D. Plus, given the short length of time she was married it seems that an annulment would be the outcome, not a D.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Agree more evidence but I see annulment in the end. 

If this stuff is true you cannot fix him. Don't try or we will see you here when you are 15 years older with a much lower dating value. Yes I talk about dating vale a lot... There are simply more potential other men at age 35 than 50. You DESERVE a loyal man. This one sounds like it won't take long to find hard evidence of being truly broken.

Ages of you and he? KIds?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Agree more evidence but I see annulment in the end. 

If this stuff is true you cannot fix him. Don't try or we will see you here when you are 15 years older with a much lower dating value. Yes I talk about dating vale a lot... There are simply more potential other men at age 35 than 50. You DESERVE a loyal man. This one sounds like it won't take long to find hard evidence of being truly broken.

Ages of you and he? KIds?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

This man has been actively seeking out casual sex while you are not around. Why? Because he can. No other reason. This is not someone who places importance on love, sex, marriage, loyalty, commitment. He places little importance on those things. And I am not sure that people like him can change.

If you need more evidence to be able to deal decisively with this, gather and snoop. Do not reveal your sources. If you do then all you will be doing is helping him to hide it better. If I were you I would consider very seriously about moving on, either now or once you have gathered enough information to do so more easily.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

So, are we talking about phone sex with a stranger? Phone sex with a friend? Multiple times with the same person? Different people? I'm still not sure what you're dealing with yet. Romantic feelings? What?

T


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

Messages not phone sex and I confronted the other woman and she admitted openly to the messages but said no physical meeting ever happened. Also talked to the best friend and he said he is the one that did the messages as a joke. My husbands best friend will no longer be in our lives so if he is just covering Im sure he will change his mind about that when he sees he is no longer allowed around.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Agree more evidence but I see annulment in the end.
> 
> If this stuff is true you cannot fix him. Don't try or we will see you here when you are 15 years older with a much lower dating value. Yes I talk about dating vale a lot... There are simply more potential other men at age 35 than 50. You DESERVE a loyal man. This one sounds like it won't take long to find hard evidence of being truly broken.
> 
> Ages of you and he? KIds?


we are both 27 and I have a child from a previous marriage when i was 19. That's the worst part, my child does not remember a time from before him and they love each other also.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

So sorry, but see, friends easily cover up for the offending partner. 

Your Husband to friend: "My wife found out I was cheating on her...can you say that I was drunk and you were drunk and we were messing around and that you took my phone and called this woman and..." 

As far as the other woman...paid or unpaid...whatever she is...
Your Husband: "Hey, I need you to say that nothing physical happened, ok?"


Your husband congratulating himself on a job well done: "Great..this worked out...I almost got caught...I will be much more careful next time......"


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> Messages not phone sex and I confronted the other woman and she admitted openly to the messages but said no physical meeting ever happened. Also talked to the best friend and he said he is the one that did the messages as a joke. My husbands best friend will no longer be in our lives so if he is just covering Im sure he will change his mind about that when he sees he is no longer allowed around.


So, what do you think would have happened if your husband discovered sexual messages between you and another man? What would he do? Have you asked him that? Can you imagine telling your husband you were too drunk to know who was using your phone?

T


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would go back through as many months of phone bills as you can to see if this number(s) keep coming up. I don't know what provider you have, but mine allows me to go online and see up to a years worth of previous bills. Would be a good place to start. You also might want to think about putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, and maybe one around the house, especially when you are out of town.


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

Get rid of him, stop making excuses as to WHY your in denial, they are only part of the grieving process. The sooner you get him gone, the quicker you will heal. As you sit there pondering the questions, your child grows closer and more attached, it is best to do it ASAP.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If necessary do some investigating but I smell cheating.

27???
You sound smart tho a bit naive... (trusting??)
Unless you weigh 400 lbs and smell.
If you rate a 5+ (where 5 is the median) 10 scale, to another divorced parent you have HUGE dating value. I predict a line at your door.

1) Go to the mirror now
2) Look yourself in the eye
3) Say "confused2012, you deserve a LOYAL man"


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

I called the friend before my husband talked to him and he never said it was the friend he said he didn't know anything about it and I assumed if anybody would have done this it would have been the friend because he has no value or care for our marriage. And he knew exactly what I was referring to before I explained anything. Also same story with the woman involved I talked to her before he had a chance. Im inclined to beleive him. If his best friend is covering for him I beleive that will come out in the wash due to the fact that this best friend that we seen every single week is no longer allowed around, and he will not cover for him if it means not being friends anymore anyway.


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## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

So these 3 conversations all happened at the same time? There's no record of messages from before that "drunken night" your husband and friend were together? As others have suggested, you need to check your husband's phone records to ensure that's true.

What exactly did you say when you called his friend, and the woman - before confronting your husband?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Don't ignore or deny the red flags you are seeing right in front of you.

Your husband is cheating. It's up to you if you want to live like this. He will not change, most likely this behavior will get worse.

I've been there. I never got the full truth until after I left. My ex h slept with many women, they'd come up to me and tell me after I left(live in a small town, everyone knew). I finally woke up and realized I wasted 2 years of my life with that fool. I left and when I did it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! He still to this day cheats on his wife and 19 years have gone by.


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## Confusedwife2012 (Jan 27, 2013)

HusbandX said:


> So these 3 conversations all happened at the same time? There's no record of messages from before that "drunken night" your husband and friend were together? As others have suggested, you need to check your husband's phone records to ensure that's true.
> 
> What exactly did you say when you called his friend, and the woman - before confronting your husband?


no they were three seperate times on all three times I've been out of town, and they were not phone calls, text and facebook messages.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have to do very serious thinking about what you want for yourself, for your life. When things like this happen, they are such shocks to our systems that we become very reactive and try to manage the short-term stress that comes after the discovery. This is natural, but if you make long-term decisions based on your shock at this moment, you will probably regret those decisions.

So, I'm suggesting that you try to force some calm and try to see the big picture.

What appears to be the case is that you are married to a man who is not all in in your marriage. He spends time secretly planning how he will have 'fun' when you go out of town. This takes forethought and strategy. Part of his mind is seriously focused on this, focused on being with other women. This is what you are living with. He has the earmarks of a serial cheat, so you have no guarantee that he will change.

So, the question for you is whether you want to accept him for who he really is or do you want to cut your losses now and try to find a life where you don't have to assume as a baseline that your heart will be broken? I see that your daughter is also very attached, but he is not a good male role model for her, no matter how he has behaved with her up to now.


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## karma45 (Jan 29, 2013)

As per the phone call or phone bill check - 

There are app's that hide your number and use fake numbers instead. I learnt this from my CH. His OW installed it on his cell for him. They both used it. jailbreak and hiddencall are two of the ones I have heard of so far. It also comes in on the phone bill as the fake numbers. He had to re-install it and text me from it to show me what he meant because I couldnt understand how it would work. Sure enough he texted me from his cell, but it showed up on my cell, then later on my bill as a completely different number.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Friends that exacerbate any sort of infidelity need to depart immediately. Nip it in the bud before its too late. Show consequences. After several years of being together and now being married he has settled down thinking he can do as he pleases or as he used to do before and not expect consequences because you have not shown any.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Confusedwife2012 said:


> no they were three seperate times on all three times I've been out of town, and they were not phone calls, text and facebook messages.


Yeah, that's what it is, his friend *plays a trick* on him every time *you go out of town*.

Crafty little friend he has there.

T


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