# Aliens? .. Midlife Crisis?? Bat s**t crazy?



## runningscared (Mar 23, 2013)

Ok so first time poster, and I need some advice am I crazy was it a midlife crisis (year and a half from 40) what the heck should I do????

Ok so im not going to sugar coat this and say if he had done this and this I wouldn't have traveled the path I did, I own my actions and that’s the end of it but my biggest concern is why? I did it and how do we move forward. 

Just over a month and a half ago I placed an ad on Craig’s list looking for an online chat partner it started off very innocently in the strictly platonic section saying no romance just chat. And I had a few people answered (I work nights a few times a week and I find a chat buddy makes the night not suck as much) I weeded out the creepy ones and held fast to the no sex no romance ones .. initially ironically I wasn’t interested in any of the men I chatted with and cut them lose as soon as they tried to press the issue of sexting or more then friends I kept 2 male chatters that were in it for just the chatting… but my problem arose with a woman who answered my add and we connected right away chatting through email 100s of times in a day getting to know each other… and I didn’t want her to know about my husband (should have been my first warning flag to myself) so I created this other person with a different life I was still me but not (if that makes any sense) I had a different name job ect nothing that could tie back to me. Any how things progressed to the romance aspect of it very quickly and I went with it didn’t try and stop it in fact snowballed rapidly with me spurring it on at every turn all the while mentally freaking out. I kept trying to end it but being too caught up in the “fiction” to step off and step away; I even went so far as to tell this woman I loved her. 


Finally I set myself an out date by “making plans” I could never make happen (she lives 1500 miles from me) the intent I had was obviously I couldn’t make it to see her so I would force myself to end this farce of a relationship and stop this madness... then I forgot to log out of my email and my husband as he puts it “spidey sense” kicked in and he read some of our emails. I had always deleted my entire msg history so even the innocent ones to the other ppl were deleted but in my inbox there were about 10 very explicit emails to and from me… 

This was about 2 weeks ago that he found out and needless to say he’s very hurt and I’m devastated because even though my actions speak differently I love him and only him and don’t want to lose him. We've both spent the past two weeks upset and talking me more crying and begging (we have a daughter and rather than just saying screw you get out he’s trying). I can’t give him an answer why… because I don’t know it’s just so bizarre and screwed up. And the cherry on my sundae is after I told her about the situation she was of course hurt and pissed off, but then her and my husband in an effort to understand what I had done started talking and now they text constantly and talk on the phone… it’s like … my husband stole my girlfriend (I don’t want her back). I've seen some of their msgs and they are innocent so far but she’s feeding him info it’s like whenever I feel like we’re making head way she drops something else on him not always in context …(right now he’s dealing with me saying I love you) I keep asking him to forgive me begging him too and he keeps saying only time will tell he either will or he won’t be able to… and I wish he would stop talking to her however I’m the one who brought her into our marriage in the first place. 

So at the moment were in a place of polite silence, he’s finally stopped looking at me like I shot his dog, but I feel like I’ve become this crazy clingy person esp every time he is msging her. He has access to all my email facebook ect ironically I no longer have any access to his.

Thinking back on it now I wonder what kind of monster plays with another person like that?? I will be fine and then it smacks me in the face of what I’ve done and I just sit an cry, and of course because I deleted all my email history he doesn’t believe me that my chatting with other people was innocent at all. 

So that is my tale of WTF. Even sitting here seeing this typed out I still go What the H*** was I thinking how did I think this would work out??!?!?Aliens abducting me for the month would make more sense to me then the reality of what I willingly did.

I guess what im asking is what should I do with him, do I keep being in his space reminding him that I love him, touch him and want him… or do I step back let him have his space (im worried that doing one will smother or doing the other he will shut down on me and lose him) he lets me touch him and be affectionate to him but never really reciprocates it. I will do anything to win this man back and spend the rest of our lives proving to him that it was a one month melt down….


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Some ideas for you:

1. Realy show a lot of remorse.
2. Apologise a lot.
3. Tell him that you love him a lot
4. Wether you should leave him alone or not is for him to decide. You have to ask him.
5. Agree to every demand that he sets, within limits though. 
6. Full transparancy from you.
7. Absolutely no more chats etc from your side.


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## runningscared (Mar 23, 2013)

TOMTEFAR said:


> Some ideas for you:
> 
> 1. Realy show a lot of remorse.
> 2. Apologise a lot.
> ...


all of the above has/have been done on a daily bases, it kills me a little every time i say i love you and its not returned but that's my cross to bare. every day i ask for a hug most days i get them today was a no touching day so i respected that, right now i just hold my breath and wait...


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Oh ok so basically you were a "catfish", it's not as rare as you think. It's when someone someone changes their identity online etc, fake pics or whatever. 

Why is your husband texting her? You need to write this woman a no contact letter. (Or email.) And tell her you want nothing more to do with her and that you want to work on your marriage. Block her from your mail. Tell your husband EVERYTHING, don't withhold any information because you "don't want to hurt him". Tell him to stop talking to this woman and to delete her number. 

Show your husband everyday how sorry you are. Are you remorseful for what you did? 

Start marriage counselling. The councillor will help you understand "why" you did these things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## runningscared (Mar 23, 2013)

I have had zero contact with her since the email of me telling her the whole truth the day he found out. and when i discovered that she was "feeding" him tid bits i did tell him every dirty little thing. I am very remorseful for what i did, i would give anything to have it never happen to either of them.

As for the why hes is now talking to her, it started off with them clearing things up over what i had done .. and he doesn't want to tell any of his friends or family and they both have a need to talk about it, and its just kind of gone on from there in a bizarre friendship.
He's also admitted that he knows it bugs the s***t out of me so its partly why he does it...

right now im taking the higher ground and as long as they don't cross the line let them help each other with the damage ive done


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

MC and IC ASAP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Ask yourself that if the roles would have been reversed what would you have wanted from your husband to show you how truly sorry he was.

You dodged a bullet. Think about everything that you could have lost.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

runningscared said:


> I have had zero contact with her since the email of me telling her the whole truth the day he found out. and when i discovered that she was "feeding" him tid bits i did tell him every dirty little thing. I am very remorseful for what i did, i would give anything to have it never happen to either of them.
> 
> As for the why hes is now talking to her, it started off with them clearing things up over what i had done .. and he doesn't want to tell any of his friends or family and they both have a need to talk about it, and its just kind of gone on from there in a bizarre friendship.
> He's also admitted that he knows it bugs the s***t out of me so its partly why he does it...
> ...


First of all, your story sounds like a lie. Even if it is true, it does not sound like it is true.

The reason your husband is talking to the other woman is because you didn't tell him the truth and she did. Or at least she told him more of the truth than you.

I'm sure that when you told your husband about it after being caught, at the end of your story you told your husband "and that's everything, the whole truth."

Then, your husband talked to the other woman and found out stuff you didn't tell him. That happened several times, so finally you told him everything. But now, since he's heard that before, several times, he doesn't believe it.

And that's why he keeps talking to the other woman.

And maybe a couple of other reasons why he keeps talking to her: 1-He knows you hate it and he enjoys getting some revenge; and 2-It feels good that someone else is showing some interest in him; and 3-She is skillful at manipulating and is enjoying getting her own brand of revenge on you.

1. Did your husband know that you looked on craigslist for an online platonic chat buddy? If so, what was his take on this?

2. Did you ever search for a chat buddy before this? How long have you been at the job and what did you do on the nights you worked before you had an online chat buddy?

3. Why an online chat buddy? Surely there are other ways to keep busy. If you have internet access, there are sites and forums for music, movies, tv, sports, art. You can read books. 
Why not something like that?

4. Exactly what do you talk about with an online chat buddy, if not your lives? And if you talk about your lives, doesn't it naturally follow that you will develop some kind of relationship and care for your chat buddy? To the point that eventually you are going to want to meet up?

5. You say you exchanged 100s of texts per day. So your online chat buddy was just not to help it "not suck" while you were working nights? It actually was an all-day, every day type of thing? Not just nights you were working?

6. What are you going to do if he now does the same thing as you - use this woman as his online chat buddy to exchange highly sexual messages and I love yous?

If I was in your husband's position, based on the deleting everything and then lying whey you got caught, I wouldn't believe your chatting with other people was innocent at all, either. I think if you could tell a story that makes a little bit more sense and is a little more believable, your husband might be able to believe it.

Can you show your husband the original craigslist post you made searching for a PLATONIC chat buddy?

Does other woman confirm to your husband that it at least started out platonic?


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## runningscared (Mar 23, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> First of all, your story sounds like a lie. Even if it is true, it does not sound like it is true.
> 
> The reason your husband is talking to the other woman is because you didn't tell him the truth and she did. Or at least she told him more of the truth than you.
> 
> ...


you can believe me or not, but as ive obviously been defending ,my actions for the last couple weeks i feel the need to answer the post. 

I didnt lie repeatedly once i was caught, I came clean, it was almost a relief to be caught. i offered him full discolosure and told him as much as he would listen too. he said he didnt want to know. Shes even offered him the full chat log and he's refused it saying he dosnt want to know the details. So when i found out she was "oh by the way" here and there. i countered with telling him everything so it was from me and not her(he has since confirmed my recount with her). Ironically one of the things that is helping us mend is the fact that as soon as i was caught i spilled it all and I havent lied since; other then ommision of facts he didnt want, which i have since forced on him. 

1. no he didnt know about my craigs list. before this we both were gamers so i got my social aspect from that chatting in game (never crossed a line there, but i recently lost interest in the games and stopped playing about 4 months ago). he has seen my add on craigs list (full disclosure i gave him every pass word i have). 

2/3. No i have never looked for one before this, ive done this job for 2+ years ive read acording to my ereader 137 books in the last 9 months. im an amazon prime , hulu, netflix memeber ive watch a crazy ammount of tv shows movies ect. the chat buddy thing was ment more to keep me awake in the witching hours of my shift. Ironically reading this site now has filled that hole. 

4. yup you talk about your lives ect (referncing my healthy online friend relationships) ive have a few that ive been friends with for over 6 years and other then photos ive never seen or talked to them in person. 

5. yes she became an obsession, my other chat friends were a just at work occationaly kinda thing; where as she became my life suck. He knew about her and that i was talking to her he just didnt know the depth of it. 

once again, when he found out about it I didnt lie about it, i told him as much as he would listen too. she has confrimed all i have said, and that yes it started off just as friends (he's seen the add) and she was the initiator, i just didnt stop and followed her down the path. he has said to me that part of his continued talking to her is a FU from them both, and that shes fun to talk to. (im the one who broke trust not him).


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## runningscared (Mar 23, 2013)

Broken..ForNow said:


> MC and IC ASAP
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've got the IC made that appointment 3 days later the MC he's resistant to for now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow, he's dealing with your a betrayal AND he thinks you're a lesbian. Are you? That's a lot to process. 

You need to show remorse. Right now he's in shock. Love him up.


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