# a reoccouring problem



## southernbell_heartache (Jun 16, 2011)

I am new to this site and fairly new to marriage, i'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my thread and I hope to find some answers. My husband and I have known each other for almost 10 years now but have only been married a year and five months. Im not honestly sure how to put this so i'll just lay it out there. I just this morning caught my husband watching porn and masturbating less than 6 feet from me as i slept. I understand that as a man he has needs that i may not be meeting but until recently i thought our sex life was in good shape. We have fought about his porn habit before and i may have been too hard on him but as a child i was molested and forced to watch it, he knows this and knows how it upsets me. I am however not too naive to think that most men do indulge in this on occasion but what i do not understand is that he would disrespect me in such a way. i literally awoke at 5:40 this morning, rolled over to see that he was awake and then immediately appalled by what he was doing. it was the first thing i saw when i awoke. i did confront him, and i do not mean to be vulgar, just as he finished. strangely enough as much as we have been through this i felt nothing at first, then the sting of rejection and hurt seeped in. he would not give any other answer other than he honestly does not want to watch it but he feels he needs to, which im not buying. as the hours passed with the apologies i began to wonder that this may not have been the first time it had occurred and he confirmed that, however he has not always expressed such behavior. so my main concern which i did present to him is that one day perhaps watching pornography and masturbating in front of me to get caught will not be enough, will he eventually cheat? there are some signs over the years i have disregarded but this changed rocked the foundations of our marriage in my eyes. have i been too harsh? am i not meeting some need he has? or is this not my fault but his carelessness? we have always throughout our relationship been considered the power couple the untouchable and unshakeable but we've worked so hard to get that strength we've always worked through things alone and as a team the way we've done it with any problems but im so out of my league with this, im lost. any input would be wonderful, i want to be able to look him in the eyes when he returns from work. i want to look at him like the knight he has always been to me


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

He was being an insensitive jerk. You were right to call him on it. 

There is no reason a person cannot chose to not watch porn mere feet from someone who they know is offended by it & whom they have pleged to love & respect for life. He made a bad choice, but I think I have an idea of why he did it.

I am guessing he was getting off on not just the porn but the "naughtiness" of doing something he knows he shouldn't be. I am also guessing that when he became aware you had woken up he did what many people do when they are caught misbehaving: he pretended to not know his a$$ was grass, hoping you would let it slide. 

As to him_ needing_ to watch it, gimme a break! Nobody _needs_ to watch porn, he likes porn & was afraid to admit it. 

You have the right to not have to be exposed to him watching porn. He seriously needs to chose to respect your needs & wants here.

I do think it's quite a stretch to wonder if he is on his way to cheating, though. From what you wrote I think you simple caught your husband rubbing one out in a very rude way.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think watching porn is a direct link to cheating, but I have no explanation for why he felt the need to do that right next to you.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

southernbell_heartache said:


> I am new to this site and fairly new to marriage, i'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my thread and I hope to find some answers. My husband and I have known each other for almost 10 years now but have only been married a year and five months. Im not honestly sure how to put this so i'll just lay it out there. I just this morning caught my husband watching porn and masturbating less than 6 feet from me as i slept. I understand that as a man he has needs that i may not be meeting but until recently i thought our sex life was in good shape. We have fought about his porn habit before and i may have been too hard on him but as a child i was molested and forced to watch it, he knows this and knows how it upsets me. I am however not too naive to think that most men do indulge in this on occasion but what i do not understand is that he would disrespect me in such a way. i literally awoke at 5:40 this morning, rolled over to see that he was awake and then immediately appalled by what he was doing. it was the first thing i saw when i awoke. i did confront him, and i do not mean to be vulgar, just as he finished. strangely enough as much as we have been through this i felt nothing at first, then the sting of rejection and hurt seeped in. he would not give any other answer other than he honestly does not want to watch it but he feels he needs to, which im not buying. as the hours passed with the apologies i began to wonder that this may not have been the first time it had occurred and he confirmed that, however he has not always expressed such behavior. so my main concern which i did present to him is that one day perhaps watching pornography and masturbating in front of me to get caught will not be enough, will he eventually cheat? there are some signs over the years i have disregarded but this changed rocked the foundations of our marriage in my eyes. have i been too harsh? am i not meeting some need he has? or is this not my fault but his carelessness? we have always throughout our relationship been considered the power couple the untouchable and unshakeable but we've worked so hard to get that strength we've always worked through things alone and as a team the way we've done it with any problems but im so out of my league with this, im lost. any input would be wonderful, i want to be able to look him in the eyes when he returns from work. i want to look at him like the knight he has always been to me


First thing first, you *caught* him doing something that every male I know, including myself, does. Then you *confronted* him, I'm sure with the intention of making him feel guilty for what he was doing. Any person, when put in that situation will dance around the truth and you will likely get answers that don't really make sense.

Men are visual creatures. Porn is a stimulus for masturbation to a male. Most women I know do not find porn stimulating, but almost every guy I know does. I do not *catch* and *confront* my wife when she is using her vibrator for stimulus, and I expect she will not do the same with me. 

The only time I view porn as an issue is when it is taking the place of regular sexual relations. In my case, my wife can not keep up with me. If I was watching porn and leaving her lonely in bed, then there is a problem.

Your husband was probably a little insensitive by doing the deed in the bedroom, but honestly, he has probably done it like that many times before and just got unlucky that you woke up. Maybe it is time to move the computer elsewhere.

As I said, porn is nothing more than a stimulus. It can become addicting, but so can food. In fact, anything can be addicting to the right person.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

BigToe said:


> I don't think watching porn is a direct link to cheating, but I have no explanation for why he felt the need to do that right next to you.


I always wonder what the big deal is between spouses about masturbation. Most married people put their faces in the nether regions of the other spouse and ENJOY it, but they are seriously distraught over self-servicing. 2+2 <> 247 Does not compute.

Unless you were raised (and I know some are) to believe masturbation is a crime against God, or dirty, or evil, I don't understand the hangups that most married couples have with each other taking care of business when the other isn't around, or doesn't feel like being available.


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