# Am I insane?



## flightwatch (Sep 29, 2017)

Hi, All. New to the forum here.

A little background. My wife and I are approaching our 8-year anniversary next month. We have had our ups and downs, but generally, our marriage has been pretty solid. We are doing well. Both of us have satisfying jobs that have allowed us to live a comfortable life. But like every marriage, there are some issues. I will outline them below.

1 - My wife isn't really the affectionate type. She does show me affection, but it's usually rare and only after I initiate. Also, if I go up to her work to visit her or bring her something (which is extremely rare,) she acts embarrassed that I am there...even annoyed. Usually responding to me in very short, almost angry bursts.

2- She literally makes mountains out of molehills. Yesterday, I needed her to drive me up to my work to take care of something because my car is in the shop. I work about a mile from the house, and the task would have taken no more than 10-15 minutes. My wife had to work yesterday, but works overnight. She goes in at 5 p.m and comes home around 5 a.m. She gets up at around 1 p.m and has her routine between then and when she leaves for work at around 4:30. I knew that having to have her take me up to work was going to mess up her routine a little, but she acted like I asked her to cut off her right arm and fry it up for dinner. She went on and on about how I never take her into consideration and just expect her to drop everything to accommodate me...which is absolute crap. We argued about this for over 2 hours. I even offered to walk to work to take care of my business, but she then insisted on taking me. Once she took me, I saw that it was going to take me a little bit longer to complete the task than I originally thought, so I told her to head home and that I would call her when I was ready to be picked up. Well, I ended up walking home to save her the inconvenience of having to come out and get me. Once I get back home, we start back up with arguing about how I only ever think about myself and whatnot. It ended up that she was unable to eat dinner at home and had to take it with her because we argued so much...which was also my fault. I know though that if one of her friends had called her and needed a ride somewhere, she would've dropped everything to go give them a ride.

Her biggest thing was that I stated that "I needed" her to give me a ride instead of asking. Which, to me, is semantics. I was asking, and she could've simply said no and that she was too busy. I would've figured out some other way to take care of my work dealings. But instead, we have a huge nuclear argument that lasted for hours...over nothing. She also seems to have no problem telling me when she needs me to bring her dinner at work or something else. And I do it no questions asked. Because we're married, and I love her.

Anyways, this is one example, but there are literally dozens of scenarios just like this one that I could point out.

3- She is always complaining about me. I'm too fat (6'2" 250lbs,) too hairy (yes, I'm hairy,) snore too loud (probably,) am dirty (I drive a truck in the oilfield) I don't keep things clean enough, etc. Never anything that I do good. She has literally destroyed my self-esteem and made me depressed.

I don't know what to do. I love my wife to pieces, and am a staunch believer in "till death do us part', but I cannot continue to live this way. Since being married to her, I have become a very angry person. I have an extremely short temper all the time and can't stand to be around other people. It affects every aspect of my life. She insists that I'm the one that is broken and she never admits fault for anything (she really takes that whole a woman can do no wrong thing to heart.) She wants us to go to marriage counseling...which I'm fine with. But every time I call a counselor (because it's my responsibility since I'm the one with the problems) to get appointments, she tells me that the dates and/or times won't jive with her schedule. After a couple of times of this, I give up while waiting for her. She then gets upset at me and tells me that I'm the one not taking this stuff seriously.

Lastly, I do want to give my wife some credit here. In her defense, I don't believe she knows what a healthy relationship looks like. She grew up in an abusive household. Her mother was always with different guys. Her sister and 2 brothers all have different fathers from each other. Her mother physically, mentally, and emotionally abused my wife. Throwing her through sliding glass doors and other stuff. Then, when my wife went to live with her grandmother, the grandma beat her black and blue to the point where CPS was called and grandma went to jail. So at the age of 16, my wife emancipated herself and has been living on her own since. My wife was at one point bi-polar. And she was on medication for it. Then a few years ago, somebody told her she wasn't bi-polar and so she stopped taking the meds.

I believe that my wife is bi-polar. I believe that she is the one that needs counseling and needs to be put on medication. I think that some marriage counseling would do us some good, but she needs serious help before that even starts.

So. Am I insane for thinking this? If not, how should I handle this? Telling her does no good. We are at the edge here. I'm ready to go get divorce proceedings started Monday morning, but I'm trying one last time before I call it quits.

Thanks


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Welcome....

Questions: Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? Picture your perfect life and would she be in it?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the health of the marriage? Are you two intimate often? How often do you two have sex?

Sounds like a miserable way to live. I was once in your shoes. Divorce fixed it for me. One life, don't waste it. Everyone is replaceable. Also, start getting into shape. Don't be like 2/3 of the country that are obese. Physical exercise will give you confidence and help you with your depression. Plus you'll look amazing after a year of hard work and healthy eating. This will help you in the next chapter of your life when you are looking for wife #2.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

#1 is the most concerning. It shows that she doesn't respect you. It actually makes me wonder if she has a "work husband", or someone that she is attracted to that she doesn't want to see you. Or she is just ashamed of you and doesn't want her coworkers to see you.
If that's the case, I think you'd be happier with someone else. 

The unavailability to help you but help others? Also a sign of complete disrespect. Lack of empathy toward you.

The lack of respect is why she is uninterested in attending counseling. The presence of another person in her life might also. However, I am in no way telling you that your wife is cheating. There's no evidence you've presented to insinuate that. 

I think it's likely just a total lack of respect. If you go to work every day and try to earn a living, I think you are worthy of respect from your spouse. Don't let this continue if it's making you unhappy. I assure another poster is correct: everyone is replaceable. One's wife shouldn't be one of those. But it sounds like she really is not that pleased about being your wife. That can be corrected. Tell her how you feel. Don't do it when you're upset.


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## flightwatch (Sep 29, 2017)

brooklynAnn said:


> Welcome....
> 
> Questions: Where do you see yourself 5 years from now? Picture your perfect life and would she be in it?


I don't know at this point. I want to say yes, but right now I'm too upset at her.



GuyInColorado said:


> How's the health of the marriage? Are you two intimate often? How often do you two have sex?
> 
> Sounds like a miserable way to live. I was once in your shoes. Divorce fixed it for me. One life, don't waste it. Everyone is replaceable. Also, start getting into shape. Don't be like 2/3 of the country that are obese. Physical exercise will give you confidence and help you with your depression. Plus you'll look amazing after a year of hard work and healthy eating. This will help you in the next chapter of your life when you are looking for wife #2.


No, we aren't intimate. I suffer from low T, but am on HRT to deal with it. She also has her issues...one of which is a pretty nasty STD that prevents us from having sex quite often. I have also found that I am just not really that attracted to her anymore. It's not a physical thing. More of an emotional attraction. It's hard to have sex with somebody that is always putting you down.

I'm in good shape. Just big. I do have some fat to get rid of...mainly in the midsection. The problem is that, when we got married, I was 190lbs of muscle thanks to my military days. But driving a semi truck (think sedentary lifestyle) along with the loss of testosterone made me balloon. You are right though, I could use some gym time...ok, a lot of gym time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The scenario about the ride to work made my head hurt. I imagine living like this isn't very enriching. 

You can't make her change. It doesn't sound like she is suddenly going to have a different personality anytime in the near future, if that's even possible.

I'd leave this marriage, if this was my life. Others may have different views. I divorced after 16 years. 16 years of a mostly crap, unloving connection. My learned lesson from my marriage and divorce was that my tolerance for an unloving, unfulfilling connection with a partner is low now. Won't ever stay in that again. It serves no purpose. A relationship is supposed to be a wonderful, fulfilling connection (also consisting of working together to solve differences, etc.). If it's not, what is the purpose??

That's my view. Others may have different views.


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## flightwatch (Sep 29, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> #1 is the most concerning. It shows that she doesn't respect you. It actually makes me wonder if she has a "work husband", or someone that she is attracted to that she doesn't want to see you. Or she is just ashamed of you and doesn't want her coworkers to see you.
> If that's the case, I think you'd be happier with someone else.
> 
> The unavailability to help you but help others? Also a sign of complete disrespect. Lack of empathy toward you.
> ...


I really don't think that she's cheating. She shows no evidence of such. I think it's more #2. I do go to work every day. I make good money. Let's put it this way...and I don't want to sound like "that guy", but...she needs this relationship a lot more than I do. Our house, both vehicles, and the majority of our bills are in my name. She has a brand new $40k car that I bought her a few months ago. Without my income, she could not afford that car along with everything else one needs to live with. I know I would be fine.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

We all deserve what we make of our lives with our day to day decisions. You have chosen to live your life the way it is, so; what's to complain about.

If you want things better with you wife you change things with you, and toward her to show a more positive, more appealing you. If that does nothing to your wife, then you must decide if you want to continue living with her this way, and stop complaining, or take the decision that the rest of your life would be better off without her and do it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's why you created an account and posted on this forum. This is a good first step. 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. It's a quick read, a couple hours tops first time around. Free download: https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

The book basically puts it in your head that you alone control how your life will play out. Only you can make yourself happy. And if happiness is your goal, then you have to take action. That means put up strong boundaries and stand up to your wife. You ask and demand things that you want instead of being passive aggressive. That may ultimately mean you divorce her and go find someone else that truly makes you happy. That's what happened to me.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It's your life to live whatever way you want. But a word of advice is never let a woman diminish your self esteem and learn to control yourself enough that you don't have long arguments. If you had a good self esteem you wouldn't tolerate this and it wouldn't get out of hand.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You are not insane, she is!!!

I have a bi polar child that is 30. She treats her husband like he is a nuisance just like yours does. She goes ballistic if he dare asks her for a favor and she argues semantics ad nuisance with him. It is pure hell and insanity to be very frank.

Needless to say, i have no idea how he is still with her. I love her, but she is despicable towards him. He is way too nice and loves her to death. They have two little ones whom he cares for pretty much 98% of the time. He doesn't want to lose his children and he flat out tells me he loves daughter. 

She has always been bi polar. Was professionally diagnosed at 18 when she almost flunked out of college. When she was done with college, She moved back to our town and saw a new shrink that told her she was mis diagnosed. Like hell she was mis diagnosed! She is full blown bi polar. She also suffers from severe post partum depression. 

You need to try to get your wife bsck on meds. Her behavior towards you stinks of bipolarity! She needs major therapy as well. If you can't get her to understand this, walk the hell away from her abusive ways. She will not get better if she continous being untreated. She will make your life and hers a living hell. 

My daughter's bi polarity is mostly drpressive episodes, hardly any manic ones. These type of individusls always feel miserable and have horrid tempers. Without proper treatment, they are walking time bombs that verbally destroy the loved ones around them.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hurt people, hurt people.... your wife has been through a brutal wringer of abuse that has left a deep imprint.

As much as we want to help our partners, we are often neither in the right role nor equipped with the right tools to do so. 

You can't fix her and the lessons she needs will not come easy, your lessons are within your reach though.

You own your self-esteem... what steps are you willing to take to love yourself more?

We all have valid complaints of us from our partners, so divide and conquer what you can change and control.

Drop 30-40 pounds (many can do this with a healthy diet and portion control) and I'll bet the snoring decreases significantly... and walk, walk, walk. To work and back every day if you can.

Set a marriage counseling appointment that will clearly be attainable by her and then you go whether she shows up or not, the fee is the same whether two of you are there or one. 

And don't bring up any non-attendance... remove the scorecards, kick them out of your life.

Do you really "need" her to do many of the things that cause problems? Ask her for help, listen to the response (not the reaction), and plan around that with a simple "cool, thanks" whether she will help you or not.

Basically... establish a pattern of responses that do not make you angry or build resentments by learning to let go of the things you cannot control. Sure, there will be disappointments and sadness when your expectations as a loving spouse aren't met, but if you become angry over them, who is really in control of you?

Think of your arguments as a tug-of war... what happens when one end drops the rope?

And do it at the onset... if you are both pulling hard, you'll both crash to the ground.

Kindness allows you to both remain on your feet.

But if she doesn't... perhaps her lessons will come when she realizes your love alone cannot protect her, especially from herself.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Flight,

You wrote, *She also has her issues...one of which is a pretty nasty STD that prevents us from having sex quite often.*

Did she catch the STD after being married to you? Did she ever cheat on you?

Check the telephone bill for who she is talking to.

Tamat


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

flightwatch said:


> I believe that my wife is bi-polar.


Perhaps so, Flight. The red flags you mention, however, are more consistent with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than bipolar. One reason is that you seem to describe her mood changes as occurring quickly in response to some event, e.g., your simple request for a ride to work. And, if I understand you correctly, her bad moods typically go away several hours later or the next day. 

In contrast, bipolar mood changes typically take two weeks to develop, then last for many weeks, and then take another several weeks to fade away. They are not triggered by events but, rather, by gradual changes in body chemistry. 

Moreover, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, controlling behavior, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder. This means that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and inability to regulate one's own emotions.



> She literally makes mountains out of molehills


.If she is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), that behavior is to be expected. Because BPDers have difficulty regulating their own emotions, they tend to overreact to harmless statements. Moreover, BPDers carry enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. 

This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds -- over _"banal or benign"_ actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.



> She insists that I'm the one that is broken and she never admits fault for anything.)


This is one sign that you are NOT dealing with a clinical disorder such as bipolar. Those mental disorders generally are "_egodystonic_." This means that the disorder produces thoughts and feelings that are inconsistent with the individual's self-perception. The result is that the person usually realizes that these thoughts are unreasonable and is often distressed by these thoughts and feelings (e.g., terrible depression). 

In contrast, BPD and other personality disorders are "_egosyntonic_." This means that the person's behaviors, values, and feelings are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with her ideal self-image. This is why PDs generally are invisible to the vast majority of folks suffering from them (i.e., to the high functioning PD sufferers). 

Hence, if your W is a BPDer, she likely _believes_ the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Her perception of your intentions and motivations is likely distorted by the intense feelings she is experiencing. This means that she generally will view herself as "The Victim" and view you as the cause of her every misfortune.



> She grew up in an abusive household.


Childhood abuse or abandonment is strongly associated with BPD. Granted, most abused children grow up without developing BPD. That abuse nonetheless greatly raises the risk for doing so. It therefore is not surprising that 70% of BPDers (in the large-scale study cited above) report they had been abused or abandoned by a parent during childhood. 

This is why the onset of strong BPD traits typically starts in the early teens, as soon as young people are motivated by a hormone surge to form relationships outside the family. Bipolar, in contrast, is caused by a gradual change in body chemistry and the average age of onset is 25 (the normal range of onset is 18 to 30).



> Am I insane for thinking this?


If you really have been living with a BPDer for 8 years, it would not be surprising that you have started questioning your own sanity. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> If not, how should I handle this? Telling her does no good.


Flight, I suggest you see your own clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion (not a formal diagnosis) of what it is you are dealing with. Granted, this distinction between BPD and bipolar would have little impact on your future welfare if you were determined to divorce your W. Yet, because you hope to avoid divorce,this distinction may be very important. 

The reason is that, whereas bipolar is successfully treated in many cases by simply swallowing a pill, BPD is a thought distortion that cannot be touched by medication and is highly resistant to treatment (because BPDers typically refuse to seek therapy or to stay in it long enough to make a real difference).

Importantly, even if your W has bipolar as you believe, that does not rule out BPD. On the contrary, 50% of the folks experiencing bipolar-1 in the past year also suffer from full-blown BPD -- and 40% of those experiencing bipolar-2 have BPD. See Table 2 at *2008 Study in JCP*.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Moreover, learning these warning signs may help you decide whether to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

I therefore suggest that, while you're searching for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my description of major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at *12 Bipolar/BPD Differences*. If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my list of_* 18 BPD Warning Signs*_ and my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Flight.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your wife has so many problems! STD, bi-polar, & disrespectful. Save yourself and get away from this situation. Really sorry that you are here.


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## flightwatch (Sep 29, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Flight,
> 
> You wrote, *She also has her issues...one of which is a pretty nasty STD that prevents us from having sex quite often.*
> 
> ...


No. She got it from her First husband that cheated on her. She's never cheated on me. That I fully believe.

Uptown. Very good write-up. Thank you. You are correct that, when she woke up today, it was as if nothing had happened. She was actually extra sweet to me...which is her way of apologizing without apologizing.



Uptown said:


> Her perception of your intentions and motivations is likely distorted by the intense feelings she is experiencing. This means that she generally will view herself as "The Victim" and view you as the cause of her every misfortune.


You hit the nail on the head. I couldn't have described it better myself.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

Are you insane? No, probably not. Yes, for putting up with that kind of behavior. 

Particularly nasty STD? Was this disclosed prior to marriage? Who puts themselves in the way of potential bodily harm on purpose? WTH?

To many questions. Sorry you are here.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is the STD a chronic/ incurable one? Do you have it now?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

flightwatch said:


> I am a staunch believer in "till death do us part', but I cannot continue to live this way. Since being married to her, I have become a very angry person. I have an extremely short temper all the time and can't stand to be around other people. It affects every aspect of my life.


Before I say anything in regards to your specific situation, I do urge you to start challenging your belief in "till death do us part."

Yes it always sounds noble when someone makes a strong statement towards the institution of marriage but that doesn't mean that it is always practical, wise or even appropriate. 

We are no longer living hand to mouth trying to etch out our daily survival and struggling to try to get at least one of our offspring to survive long enough reach fertility so that they can now bear offspring.

In this day an age marriage is a choice and should only be choice if it brings a clear benefit to out lives. 

If it is bringing a detriment to our lives, One needs to seriously look at whether it is worth continuing to put time, energy and money into it or whether it would be a positive benefit to dissolve it. 

Now one can always say - " well yeah, it's a detriment now, but it would be a benefit if my spouse were to______________________."

But the problem there is can or would said spouse actually be able or willing to transform into who and what it is you need for that marriage to be an asset. 

IMHO, the mentality of "Till Death Do Us Part" is responsible for more misery and more abuse and mistreatment than whatever good it does. 

If someone is confident that you will never leave or divorce them or ever walk away from them regardless of how badly they mistreat you; then what is to stop them other than their own character from treating you like dog turds in the treads of their shoes?

If that person has some character flaws or some kind of actual personality disorder, a belief system of "till death do us part" becomes a self-imposed life sentence of misery and mistreatment. 

Abuse, adultery, cruelty, abandonment etc etc are all recognized by the major religions as perfectly valid reasons to dissolve a marriage. The different religions may have variations on whether that church will bless a subsequent marriage and things like that. But no religion requires a person to remain in a soul-destroying or abusive marriage just so they don't divorce. 

It comes down to a simple question of are you better off with this person (as they are - not what you wish them to be) or better off on your own?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No! You're not insane ~ I'd say that your W is bi-polar, and is wittingly avoiding any kind of counseling at all costs, probably if for no other reason than to save face!

If she won't be proactive about seeking counseling, then exactly what's to keep you out of a lawyers office?*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some questions and comments in bold below





flightwatch said:


> 1 - My wife isn't really the affectionate type. She does show me affection, but it's usually rare and only after I initiate.
> 
> *When she does 'show' you affection; is it spontaneous and natural and coming from a place of sincerity and geniuiness, or is she parroting back to you the physical act that you did to her? Does it seem like she is play-acting to placate you because she thinks she should since you were affectionate towards her? *
> 
> ...


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

OP, your wife has effectively already checked out of your marriage, so I would suggest that you leave too. I doubt you can turn this around, and who could? No one. Life is too short....flush the toilet and pursue happiness and joy!


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