# Should I let him sleep with someone else?



## curlysue (Aug 13, 2011)

*PLEASE HELP ME*​
I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now.
Previous to our relationship, I had slept with four other men...but he had not been with anyone else.
It has now come to the 'move in' stage in our relationship but he says he cannot move in with me, nor see a future for us, until he gets rid of his feelings of *jealousy*- that I have been with others, and *exclusion*- that he is missing out on being with others whilst he is young. 

He thinks the only way to get rid of these feelings is to sleep with a stranger, or multiple strangers. This is purely physical to get it out of his system, he does not want to date other people!

He says I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he wants to move in with me, marry me and have children with me, but until these feelings are gone he cannot give me his full devotion. (He has tried to forget/supress these feelings for two years so I believe everything he is saying.)

My concern is that if we do this, I won't be able to look at him the same or be intimate with him, knowing he has with someone else. However, I cannot lose him and I feel that it may be worth a shot...

*Thoughts??? 
Do you think couples therapy would help???*


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

For him to have these "feelings" but yet say he loves and wants to marry you seems odd to me. If I had found "the one", regardless of experience or not, it wouldn't matter what I had missed out on.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

curlysue said:


> *PLEASE HELP ME*​
> I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now.
> Previous to our relationship, I had slept with four other men...but he had not been with anyone else.
> It has now come to the 'move in' stage in our relationship but he says he cannot move in with me, nor see a future for us, until he gets rid of his feelings of *jealousy*- that I have been with others, and *exclusion*- that he is missing out on being with others whilst he is young.
> ...


He is too immature for you anyway. Not just in this category. The fact he would suggest such a thing, indicates he is not worthy of pursuing. This is probably just the first of many selfish demands he might make on you. Move on from him. He is not serious about you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Keeping score are we?


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## curlysue (Aug 13, 2011)

I see what you're both saying, I felt this way too. 

He says that he does not want to run the risk of being an old man and wondering what he was missing out on and have this eat away at him throughout our relationship as it already has for the past two years. But, at the same time, he does not want to risk ruining our relationship.

I think feeling excluded and not having the experience of what he thinks a person his age should have by now is a bigger deal to him then I can comprehend.

He says he wants to be where I am at, happy and wanting to settle down. But cannot as he will always feel he is missing out.

I have reassessed the relationship, we almost broke up yesterday, but neither of us can imagine not waking up next to the other person, sharing everything, holding each other and being silly with each other. This is rare love, I don't believe everyone finds this and I cannot bring myself to throw it away, neither can he.


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## curlysue (Aug 13, 2011)

I understand what you are all saying. But, if I break up with him, he is going to sleep with other people anyway and I will always wonder if we could have made it work. Whether he sleeps with other people now of years down the track if we break up, it's going to hurt regardless because up until now he has only been mine. I will never forgive myself if I don't try.


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## curlysue (Aug 13, 2011)

For the past two years he has been trying to somewhat distance himself from me to abolish the pain, he says he realises he has not treated me as well as he could have (he has treated me very well, but he is talking moving in, showing more devotion, and treating me like a princess). SO in regards to "this is probably the first of many selfish demands he will make", I don't think so. I think he is willing to give me everything once this pain and these feelings are gone. we can move on together.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

michzz said:


> It would be a stunningly tragic and foolish thing to agree to this.
> 
> If I were you I would reassess your relationship with this man entirely.


:iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

curlysue said:


> I understand what you are all saying. But, if I break up with him, he is going to sleep with other people anyway and I will always wonder if we could have made it work. Whether he sleeps with other people now of years down the track if we break up, it's going to hurt regardless because up until now he has only been mine. I will never forgive myself if I don't try.


It is best to not "fix" people or "make it work". Move on and you will just feel you dodged a bullet.

"THis is not the guy you are looking for"


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well, the one thing you know for certain about this guy is that he isn't very mature. What happened prior to meeting him really shouldn't be any of his concern, beyond the basics. If he wants to treat this like a baseball game and keep track of "runs scored" it's going to be a long and miserable relationship. That'll have to wear on you after a while.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, this is just very....not right.

Count your losses and trade up!

I think he's a coward. Instead of leaving you, he just wants permission to cheat. LOLLL Every man's dream.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I think I've heard it all. He wants to sleep with other women while you wait for him just so he can even the score and see what it's like to be with someone else. Right.

That won't work. Not now not ever. That means you break up and the odds of you ever getting over those feelings of knowing he was with someone after you are nil. Don't kid yourself.

Bottom line is you aren't "the one". Period end of story. Cut him loose and find someone that is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's got a funny way of sqauashing his jealousy. Tell him if he wants to f_ck other people then he should...but not expect to find you when he's had his fill. He. Sounds like a manipulative controlling aHOLe
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He's got a funny way of sqauashing his jealousy. Tell him if he wants to f_ck other people then he should...but not expect to find you when he's had his fill. He. Sounds like a manipulative controlling aHOLe
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best answer yet. :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> There will be no end to his "missed out" experiences.
> 
> There are 4 billion women (give or take) who he has not had the chance to have relations with.
> 
> ...


I agree with this 100% and with what Entrop said about this being one of many selfish demands. I can smell a selfish smarmy a%%hole from far away and ehe is def one of the. He's the type that will be allll about double standards. He's already insulted you and saw nothing wrong it. He doesn't care about you and your feelings. Axe him pronto. If you allow this or stay with him you are in for a loooong hard road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was only in one relationship before dating my wife, and I have never even really had a date with anyone but those two. Lots of times I had the feeling of missing out on the dating scene, wondering if I wanted to have more experiences. Now I'm separated and about to be divorced I guess I'll have that opportunity but honestly I would trade it back for the happy moments and fulfillment of the times when my marriage was good again, even along with the bad.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> There will be no end to his "missed out" experiences.
> 
> There are 4 billion women (give or take) who he has not had the chance to have relations with.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Instead of being an old man who is wondering what it is like to have been with multiple women, he can be a an old man who looks back and wonders what it would have been like to have had you.

This guy is buying into the BS that men need to have sowed their wild oats.

If he really loved you, he'd just be focusing on sowing his oats with you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Boys and girls can you say "Cake Eater"? I knew you could.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

curlysue said:


> I have reassessed the relationship, we almost broke up yesterday, but neither of us can imagine not waking up next to the other person, sharing everything, holding each other and being silly with each other. This is rare love, I don't believe everyone finds this and I cannot bring myself to throw it away, neither can he.


You are being naive. There is nothing rare about what you have and you would be correct in thinking not everyone finds this.....because they set their sights a lot higher. Why be so concerned about throwing it away, he obviously isn't. If he felt the same about your relationship, he would just be thankful for what he has and not care about missing out on "playing the field".

Jellybeans is spot on. He is a controlling, manipulative ahole. He has manipulated you so much that he actually has you considering the idea of letting him sleep with other women. Wake up!


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

curlysue,

If one of your female friends came to you with the exact problem you brought here, what would be your advice to her?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Best answer yet. :smthumbup:


Hehe. All typed out on my cell phone which explains the myriad of typos.


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## newdaddy79 (Aug 15, 2011)

As a guy, I can sort of understand his curiousity of experiencing another woman. But I don't understand the whole keeping score aspect and his jealousy of your past relationships involving sexual intimacy and his lack of them. Why does that matter?

But I will say that you should never agree to this. He needs to get past it, and not dwell on your past. If he loves you, he should not have that physical desire with someone else. I am not trying to sound preachy, but the Bible does have good counsel regarding this saying that a man that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

As a man or woman, it is wise to squash all desires towards the opposite sex. Not to say that we are blind, or will lose those desires, but we shouldn't act on them. Your BF has the desire and curiousity. I get that. But he needs to move past it and not dwell on it. 

From my own personal experience, I had one other female I slept with before I married my wife, and she was a virgin. So she is in similar shoes as your BF. So I could understand her being curious, but never acting upon it. She has committed herself, emotionally and physically, to me. And I must say...having had another woman, it really is not all that. Don't get me wrong, it was completely pleasurable at the time and I enjoyed her, but love is so much better and the sex itself can still be fresh and exciting in marriage if you make it that way.

He needs to get over it, and you need to put your foot down.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> For him to have these "feelings" but yet say he loves and wants to marry you seems odd to me. If I had found "the one", regardless of experience or not, it wouldn't matter what I had missed out on.


:iagree:


I married the second man I slept with. While there are those fleeting "what am I missing" thoughts, it never really ruined my day to think I hadn't been around the block as many times as he had..it still doesn't.

There's something wrong if it is THAT important to him that he's never slept with anyone else. My first and I thought we would be together forever..neither of us cared that we hadn't slept with other people because love simply put, is more than just sex.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

newdaddy79 said:


> As a guy, I can sort of understand his curiousity of experiencing another woman. But I don't understand the whole keeping score aspect and his jealousy of your past relationships involving sexual intimacy and his lack of them. Why does that matter?


Because he is one of those "even the score" type people--double standards-types.

If she stays with him, she can expect their entire relationship to be this way.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What happened B4 you met him is past history, and unless it was criminal, abusive, or adulterous, it has no bearing on anything

He needs to grow up----OR-----is it that he is tired of you, and wants to play

You have a major problem, I don't care how much love you have for him---this will tear apart a mge., if he is gonna obsess over sex with other women, and you will come apart at the seams, thinking/watching the whole process go down

Either get him into counseling, or end this---for your own mental health


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

curlysue said:


> For the past two years he has been trying to somewhat distance himself from me to abolish the pain, he says he realises he has not treated me as well as he could have (he has treated me very well, but he is talking moving in, showing more devotion, and treating me like a princess). SO in regards to "this is probably the first of many selfish demands he will make", I don't think so. I think he is willing to give me everything once this pain and these feelings are gone. we can move on together.


 Your guy has issues and is insecure it is something that will haunt your relationship. You might consider couples counseling to work through it. Being a guy and if he feels like he is missing sampling the goods someplace else sooner or later he will. 

On the flip side of this a my friend's wife had never been with another man. She had also said she would like to know what it was like being with some else. Don't know all the details but they worked something out because she kept bugging him.....it was a train wreck when it happened.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cut him loose and suggest that the two of you touch base in a year, after he has gotten whatever it is he feels he needs to get ... out of his system.

There is nothing wrong with his wanting to experience a bit of life prior to settling down, but he's being more than a little juvenile and unrealistic about it.

Meanwhile, go find yourself someone a bit more sure of themselves and their commitment. Date a wider range of men.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

michzz said:


> There will be no end to his "missed out" experiences.
> 
> There are 4 billion women (give or take) who he has not had the chance to have relations with.
> 
> ...




:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

If he wants to see other people, let him go. You will be ok without him. You were ok before him. And he will probably discover that he's missed out on nothing. And maybe after that you two can make amends and move past this to a great future together. If this is hanging over his head now, it won't go away in the future unless you set him free to go soar his oats. Just pray he doesn't have off-spring in the meantime.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

If he is thinking this, then what you have is not special.

Read up on the "science" of falling in love. The euphoria tends to start wearing off after 2 years. That sounds like when he started pulling back from you.

If you agree to this, you'll lose every future argument because he knows you'll put up with anything and not leave. Trust me, I personally know that that is a horrible position to be in.

I'm guessing that if you agree, and he "evens the score", he'll secretly keep going. You'll always be worried and suspicious. If he does stop at even, you'll still be suspicious.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

I think as everyone is pointing out.....wanting to bang some other chick is a relationship deal breaker.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

Haley said:


> If he is thinking this, then what you have is not special.
> 
> Read up on the "science" of falling in love. The euphoria tends to start wearing off after 2 years. That sounds like when he started pulling back from you.
> 
> ...



Completely agree.

Him wanting to go out and experiment will never end. No amount of girls will be enough. And if you say no, he might just go out and do it anyway. 

Im surprised you're not personally offended or hurt. If I was in a 3 yr relationship about to move in together and he still wanted to sleep with other women, I would end things on the spot. Its one thing for him to be curious. Its another thing for him to pursue it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

no. you shouldnt. It would be the worst possible mistake like commiting relationship suicide, you can ever make. I dont believe that he 'needs' to sleep with others to resolve feelings he has. That is a bunch of bull. And i never talk this bluntly.

its the same as relationship suicide if you do this. I would be very firm on this and do not hesitate or give 'maybe' answers to such a horrifying request.

Guaranteed, if you go along withi this, you will resent and even hate him for it. Also, I believe without any shadow of a doubt, he is testing you, to see how much he can get away with you...if you allow this, more of the same, much worse, is to come...guaranteed.


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

Trust me on this: You're relationship is already in the can.

You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
If you don't let him, HE will be miserable.
If you do, YOU will be miserable.

Don't put yourself in a bad position. Get out before you get humiliated, and left wondering why you ever agreed to stay with him.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Yeah...no. 
Sorry, swingers, polyamoury, all that business is just a recipe for disaster. 
He has a problem. So do you. 
The whole issue as you have explained it says that there is a hole in the fabric of your relationship. 
A "patch" doesn't heal the problem. 
It's over most likely.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Uh, no, this is not someone that you need to keep trying to make happy. If he can't deal with his fantasies about what he might have missed, then cut him loose and let him have all of the "experiences" he wants. Like others have said, he is manipulative, a cake-eater, immature, and doesn't really love you deep down. If he did, then he would not even be suggesting such an idea. 

Do yourself a favor and cut him loose, live your life, and find someone who really deserves what you have to offer. Accept nothing less.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You dodged a bullet! 

He "confessed" before cheating. 

He could have said:

"May I please have your permission to cheat?" instead of the manipulating way he asked.

I am sorry & know you love him. If he tells you this is a dealbreaker then you have your answer. He just doesn't love you "enough."


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

your husband is being a big baby. Seriously. You were with 4 other people. He can accept it or not, his choice. If he loves you, accepting it will be easy to do. It's not like you were with a lot of people before him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Let this be a lesson. Don't fall in love with virgins. The score will never be even and some guys just can't handle that. It's called being young.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This thread is a year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he feels he is missing out, then what the two of you have is not enough for him. And after 3 years if it isn't enough, it never will be.

He wants to eat his cake and have it, too--and he thinks that will make him happy. It won't.

Furthermore, this is the "wake up" call to YOU to move on. He's not ready to settle down with anyone. You are. Find someone who is. Do not risk a future with him. 

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Let this be a lesson. Don't fall in love with virgins. The score will never be even and some guys just can't handle that. It's called being young.


 Let's not paint all Virgins black here.... Everyone has a right to conduct themselves how they see fit before marraige, he does not fit the "waiting for his soul mate romantic" virgin profile... since he is so willing & adament to throw himself into meaningless sexual romps without emotion- to even "a score of 4"... 

This is not the same spirit in which a Virgin of worth carries into a Loving relationship -where they wanted so much to save themselves for their one & only, seeing this as a SACRED act saved & shared between 2 souls in life..... Sure it is a letdown, something to greive even (though others may find that stupid, I don't feel it is)....but not a dealbreaker when you find someone you love deeply in this life... It is a small hump to overcome and move on, allowing the past to be what it was, but all things are new...a new beginning. 

He has more going on here....(this poster is long gone anyway).....His reasons for being partnerless were not due to his waiting for his one & only....maybe he just hasn't had the chance to Jump more women...maybe he is shy, an Ugly duckling, and feels cheated. It's not the same thing. He *IS* immature and not ready for marraige by any means, he wants to enjoy being a Player for a time...hardly exemplary. 

One is born out of feeling ..."he missed out & I want to live it up -have a screwing good time" --another is born out of wanting to give everything you are, to the one you love, that you cared enough to wait, and still wouldn't take that back, even if she did have others before you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So the thread is a year old. I would love to hear from the OP and find out what happened.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I feel bad for a guy that just has had sex with one girl all their life. Guys need to experience different girls because each girl has sex differently. He will miss out on it and it will bother him for the rest of his life.

He should have gotten it out of his system before though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

curlysue said:


> *PLEASE HELP ME*​
> I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now.
> Previous to our relationship, I had slept with four other men...but he had not been with anyone else.
> It has now come to the 'move in' stage in our relationship but he says he cannot move in with me, nor see a future for us, until he gets rid of his feelings of *jealousy*- that I have been with others, and *exclusion*- that he is missing out on being with others whilst he is young.
> ...


That is very immature of him. He needs IC. If he will not, you should wave goodbye to him.


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## broken a (Aug 18, 2012)

I honestly think that if he's considering sleeping with other people you should let him go. I would just call it quits and leave on good terms.. if he sleeps around and decides to call you go for it, but don't let him sleep around while you guys are together. You will most likely resent him for it!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

curlysue said:


> He says that he does not want to run the risk of being an old man and wondering what he was missing out on and have this eat away at him throughout our relationship as it already has for the past two years. But, at the same time, he does not want to risk ruining our relationship.
> 
> I think feeling excluded and not having the experience of what he thinks a person his age should have by now is a bigger deal to him then I can comprehend.


Then let him go sow his wild oats - if that's more important to him than being in a committed relationship with you. It's not your fault that he hasn't had more experience with members of the opposite sex, and you certainly shouldn't have to pay for it, either.

He sounds very immature to me, OP, and I would most certainly re-think moving in with him any time soon.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Dump him and then he can have sex with whoever he wants. Find yourself someone worth your while and worth your love. He's a cake eater.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Let this be a lesson. Don't fall in love with virgins. The score will never be even and some guys just can't handle that. It's called being young.


Hmmm... interesting thought. My husband was a virgin when we met. I am his first and only. I had two other partners before him. Not once in our 12 years of marriage, nor the time before we married, has he ever indicated that he should even the odds. If he had even remotely suggested that, I'd have been gone immediately. 

I know this thread is a year old. But I agree with Ele. It would be nice to know what has happened with OP.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Adex said:


> I feel bad for a guy that just has had sex with one girl all their life. Guys need to experience different girls because each girl has sex differently. He will miss out on it and it will bother him for the rest of his life.
> 
> He should have gotten it out of his system before though.


My husband never did and no need to feel bad for him, he has never wanted to try another. He is nearing 49 yrs and is very happy we've only been with each other, it is something very rare and very special. 

Your words, by no means = the truth for everyone.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Adex said:


> I feel bad for a guy that just has had sex with one girl all their life. Guys need to experience different girls because each girl has sex differently. He will miss out on it and it will bother him for the rest of his life.
> 
> He should have gotten it out of his system before though.


Perhaps that's how you feel... not every man feels that way though. Men don't NEED to experience sex with different girls before settling on one... Nor do women NEED to have multiple partners before choosing the one to be with for the rest of her life. (Sorry if settling seems a poor choice of words. I don't mean it to be derogatory.) There is nothing wrong with being with one and only one sexual partner all your life. I know many people who choose this and they are very happy together. Sometimes, they have been happier than those who have had more than one partner. Not saying all are like that. This is just my personal observation.

In my case, I WISH I had waited. I have wished MANY times that my husband had been my first and only. I can't go back in time, obviously. But he has never given any indication that he wished he had slept with other women. IMO it doesn't matter what OTHER women like or liked... what matters is what the woman he is WITH enjoys. Having other partners tells you what OTHER people like, not what is enjoyed by the person you are with.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband never did and no need to feel bad for him, he has never wanted to try another. He is nearing 49 yrs and is very happy we've only been with each other, it is something very rare and very special.
> 
> Your words, by no means = the truth for everyone.


I'm sure you have a great relationship, and he wouldn't want to try another girl now. However, deep down inside, if he had to do it over again and had the chance, he probably would have slept with at least another girl before meeting you.

I don't think he'd ever admit that to you though, because doing so would cause problems in your current relationship. Not admitting that would particularly be true if you are the alpha or have the power in your relationship and he is the beta.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

The OP seems to have moved on and likely is discouraged by all the common sense and wisdom of those that have "lived a little". What will likely happen is that he will get to sleep around to resolve the issue but then he will kill himself emotionally wondering if he lives up to her previous partners.


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## DexterDad (Aug 19, 2012)

Adex said:


> I feel bad for a guy that just has had sex with one girl all their life. Guys need to experience different girls because each girl has sex differently. He will miss out on it and it will bother him for the rest of his life.
> 
> He should have gotten it out of his system before though.


I have to disagree at least from my own perspective. Speaking as a guy, I had no desire to experience different girls, I always wanted just one for a lifetime. Ive never had a short relationship and sex was never the main focus for me. My shortest relationship ever was 2 1/2 years my longest 11 which I'm still in. Every girl I've been with I treaed as though we were meant to last forever because I really hoped we were. I've only had sex with sex with 4 girls since losing my virginity at 19 and never out of a relationship and never cheating. I don't know, after reading this maybe I'm the odd mad in the world but my opinion is treat every partner like your life depends on their happiness because it probably does.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Hmmm... interesting thought. My husband was a virgin when we met. I am his first and only. I had two other partners before him. Not once in our 12 years of marriage, nor the time before we married, has he ever indicated that he should even the odds. If he had even remotely suggested that, I'd have been gone immediately.
> 
> I know this thread is a year old. But I agree with Ele. It would be nice to know what has happened with OP.


No offense intended ,but it don't mean he hasn't thought about it or wondered what it would have been like had he had more "experience" before marrying.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, this is just very....not right.
> 
> Count your losses and trade up!
> 
> I think he's a coward. Instead of leaving you, he just wants permission to cheat. LOLLL Every man's dream.


sexist


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, this is just very....not right.
> 
> Count your losses and trade up!
> 
> I think he's a coward. Instead of leaving you, he just wants permission to cheat. LOLLL Every man's dream.


"Every man's dream," but thankfully all men don't do what "every man" dreams of doing, because all men are different


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> This thread is a year old.


well so it is, but it was awesome :smthumbup:


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

While it seems this thread is mostly theoretical at this point, I will pitch in some thoughts for the discussion.

A lot of people criticize the man's feelings in this situation as keeping score. Yet there is a much bigger difference between 4 and 0 here than there would be between 20 and 2. That is to say it's not about keeping score but an issue with them being at a much different level experientally. 

IMO, it is best for people to seek out a significant other that is at a similar experience level as themselves. While the "falling in love" factor will inevitably cause this to not always be the case. It will be a problem in those relationships that needs to be worked through effectively if they are going to be sustained and healthy.

For this guy,why be so judgemental of him for wanting a chance to be immature before having to be so grown up and responsible? It's much better for him to get this out of his system before marriage and family. His main fault here is not being man enough to say he's not ready for a serious relationship and breaking things off and instead either wanting to have his cake and eat it too and/or forcing the woman to make the break.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> No offense intended ,but it don't mean he hasn't thought about it or wondered what it would have been like had he had more "experience" before marrying.


Knowing his background, and mine as well... not likely. But thanks for sharing your opinion.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Adex

Sorry, I disagree. My wife of 35 years has been my one and only and I have not regretted that once (she is beautiful which does help!)


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ugh hell no.

If he has felt that he missed out on certain things while he was younger, it is only a matter of time before he does do it.
whether with you or not.

i honestly say that you need to find another.
he is making you feel guilty sense he is under pressure for WHATEVER reason.

you give him an ultimatum if you want to be with him because that just sounds like complete bullshet to me and a big waste of time for you!


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

I dont thek the OPs SOs feelings are wrong - feelings cant be wrong, they just are - but that doesnt mean the OP should, or has to be with her current SO while he 'works things out'

Hes no more immature than any of us has been, thats what experience is about right?

But IMO, the OP should move on and leave him to deal with his feelings.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quote of Curlysue*For the past two years he has been trying to somewhat distance himself from me to abolish the pain.


Green"]So now he wants to have sex with some else. Does he not realize that you will wind up jealous and in pain?

Two wrongs never make a right. In this case two wrongs will add more pain to both of you.

*What if he has sex with another woman and he likes her better than you?*

Maybe he will marry you and when he gets mad at you he will have sex with you and think about the other woman that he had sex with. Do you think that is impossible? Think again.

You are naive if you think that he having sex with another woman will not cause pain for many years to come.

*Do you think that you having sex with those other men will help in your marriage?[/*COLOR]


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## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Hunny I know this love seems spectacular and rare etc but all love is. Hormones have a funny habit of making you make excuses to stay with someone. If you were really meant to be together you'd find yourself together or at least pursuing each other.

I would tend to entertain the idea of open relationships and even I think you should ditch him.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

its easy to see the individuals in here defending sad state of affairs. why?

that does not help!


You two are not meant for each other. He for whatever reasons cannot get past it nor should he have to i mean after all its his brain and his views not yours! You cannot take back your past actions and if you regret them than there is nothing you can do and you have to live with it forever. 

perhaps young adults should start thinking more before acting. 

Is it really so hard?

You let him sleep with someone else it will likely ruin the relationship, say you get married in the future i assure you one day you will become resentful or angry over the fact he could not have accepted your past and you will hate yourself for letting him sleep with someone else while you where together. On the opposite side of the spectrum he may one day resent you and act out on his frustration if he does not have sex with other women or another woman. You stay together eventually he will find some other girl and get out his sexual built up frustrations. I cannot describe it to you but basically he is a young man with a lot of passion and likely love and he never got to show it on anyone for likely a long time UNTIL HE MET YOU. He likely imagined getting another girl after you but he came to love you and now he is scared that if you move into together it will force him into a deep relationship he may not be ready for. He cannot properly gauge how he feels about such a deep relationship because he has never had another woman. It would not be such a problem if you had never had another man but you have had several and you have had what he never had all those experiences, laughs and sexual intimate moments, You had the thrill of being wanted and lusted after and knowing that others want you. He never had that until you and while he may very well love you he knows in his heart what you had is something he wish he could of had until he met you now he is scared about long term commitment because he likely realizes a better opportunity may arise in the future and what if he turns it down? he does not know what the other side is like and that will leave him wondering for ever or worse he may act on his feelings when you two are more serious than ever.

I do not expect you to understand his mind. I can see where he is coming from i am good at reading people from what you describe i think i got a sort of accurate view of what is going through his mind.

He is not a "monster" or what others on here are implying. He is a young man who wanted badly to show passion and love to women and it took a while. He found you and it would not be a problem for him except that you have had that and he wants to be your "alpha man" your experienced man he wants to know those same feelings. The fact you had those intimate moments and laughs makes him jealous and rightfully so. I assure you if the roles were reversed you would be jealous. 


Best of luck

You know what you need to do. Growing up is hard but we meet other people. I think it would be terrible for him to repress his true feelings and for you to give in to something you are uncomfortable with.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Everyone has a different life growing up. Sounds like this kid wanted to show passion for so long and his time was delayed he meets you imagines he will get another girl falls in love with you and is scared and jealous of the feelings you have had expressed to you that he never had.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Let's not paint all Virgins black here.... Everyone has a right to conduct themselves how they see fit before marraige, he does not fit the "waiting for his soul mate romantic" virgin profile... since he is so willing & adament to throw himself into meaningless sexual romps without emotion- to even "a score of 4"...
> 
> This is not the same spirit in which a Virgin of worth carries into a Loving relationship -where they wanted so much to save themselves for their one & only, seeing this as a SACRED act saved & shared between 2 souls in life..... Sure it is a letdown, something to greive even (though others may find that stupid, I don't feel it is)....but not a dealbreaker when you find someone you love deeply in this life... It is a small hump to overcome and move on, allowing the past to be what it was, but all things are new...a new beginning.
> 
> ...


As i remember you and your hubby have only had each other correct?

If that is the case you cannot compare that to a relationship in which 1 person has been around the block and had love and all those feelings and the other never has had. You and your husband are on the same playing field.


For all we know this guy could of saved himself for the "right girl" and that girl could of been his current GF. He just however is young and does not want to get really freaking serious with someone and wake up one day and wonder what else is out there. His feelings are understandable i knew plenty of people who waited for the right person and later had these feelings they played it smart and left the relationship because those feelings of jealousy in this case never go away.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

damn! year old thread!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Too bad she hasn't posted since...it would be interesting to hear what she ended up doing and how things turned out for her.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

curlysue said:


> *PLEASE HELP ME*​
> I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now.
> Previous to our relationship, I had slept with four other men...but he had not been with anyone else.
> It has now come to the 'move in' stage in our relationship but he says he cannot move in with me, nor see a future for us, until he gets rid of his feelings of *jealousy*- that I have been with others, and *exclusion*- that he is missing out on being with others whilst he is young.
> ...


Wow, he's got _*ALOT*_ of nerve.
So he has a problem with your past (which isn't that high to some of other numbers I've heard, but to each his own). So in order to feel like he isn't missing out or to even "it" up, he wants to go out and have some meaningless flings himself?
That's f'ed up. I'm sorry.

Couples therapy? Sure, if you think he's worth it. But to go out and "let him" go out and sleep around some, no - bad idea unless you want even more issues on the table than what you are dealing with.


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