# Husband asked for divorce



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

Hi all, I would love some advice or insight. Trying to navigate this very fresh situation.



A little background:
I am 35 and my spouse is 38. This is my second marriage and his third. I have three children (16,15 and 12) and he has one child (12) that we have primary custody of and her mother lives 2000 miles away. We have been married 4.5 years, together 5.5 and my stepdaughter calls me Mom. 

We went to high school together and connected 15+ years later as we were both going through divorces. Through becoming best friends and having along-distance relationship we identified with one another as soul mates. He and I, two guarded individuals, found love and acceptance with one another. God put on my heart that this was the man I would be married to even though I was not looking for a relationship.

He came to visit me for the first time in April 2011. By July we were engaged and he had uprooted his life and moved to the state he grew up in to be with me. He left his daughter with her mother and a year later she sent her here to be with us. 
We have always had a great relationship, with lots of openness and romance. When we got married I was in great physical shape and he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever been with. Two years after our marriage I had a car accident that injured my back and I stopped lifting weights (I was a powerlifter). Since that time i have gained nearly 75 pounds and have stopped exercising. 

About a year ago he brought up that I needed to begin exercising again because I was a "trophy wife" when he married me, and now I had let myself go. He is naturally thin and muscular, plus he has an active job whereas I have a white collar one. As a result he has maintained his body even though he doesn't work out anymore either. At the time he brought it up I was so hurt. I actually told him if he couldn't accept me then he could get out. We finally moved past it but I resented it and never began to focus on it. He maintained that he wished I'd work out but that he still found me to be beautiful.
Fast forward to this year. The beginning of 2016 my 15-year old daughter was hospitalized with a suicide attempt. She and he were never close and she began to really push him away. So much so that he could't even talk with her bc she wouldn't connect. She has been hospitalized 2 more times since, the final one ending a week and a half ago. 

When coming home from a visitation with my daughter he told me he really wanted me to start focusing on my health and exercising. Again, I got so angry. As I'm dealing with my child he is worried about my looks! I told him to get out and leave! Go! Get another trophy wife! The following day he apologized and we made up. 
This past Friday I realized we hadn't had sex in a week. So I asked him why. He said he has just not had a sex drive bc he has been so unhappy with himself, his life, his job. I said, I am a young woman and need sex. What kind of 38 year old man doesn't have a sex drive!! There has to be another woman! Who is it! He of course said I didn't trust him. I told him I almost packed my bags the following week and took my kids and left him. And that if it doesn't change he will need to leave. He said a few more hurtful things which led to me telling him I am done with him.

We didn't speak the rest of the night. The next morning I thought everything would blow over. He left to do a job, I took the kids to a festival. I wrote him a letter when leaving telling him that if he would not give on things all I would like is a smooth transition for the kids. And that I loved him and he would always be the love of my life. I thought this would get the idea that I wanted him but I was willing to walk away. When I came home he had read the letter and wanted to discuss. He then called my bluff. He said he would be there through the transition and would start looking for a place. I said, can't we do counseling? He said, it's not going to get better. We butt heads so much and you are not going to work on your health. And I am unhappy with myself. I feel insecure, and that my job was more fulfilling than his so he knew I would be okay. And that his priority is his daughter. I cried. I begged. Please just see a counselor with me! He said he didn't think it would do anything.

I made him sit down and tell the kids. He didn't want to. After that, the next day, he was angry at me. He said that he uprooted his entire life for me and now he had nothing to show for it. I said, can't we just try? He said no. 
So that leads us here. We have two bedrooms that are adjoined that we use as a master suite. One room is the bedroom, one is the closet. I told him that he could move into the closet area (the same size as the bedroom) until they could find a place, bc he was adamant. So I moved my things and he moved his. After I came home from trick or treating with the kids he had put a spare bed in his room and had set me up in mine. 

Through the day yesterday I kept asking God to tell me what to do. To get me through. He told me I needed to look at myself. I heard it so clearly. For the things God revealed to me about myself. That I lack patience. I'm never satisfied. I want everything on MY timeline. I dictate to my spouse about his goals instead of standing quietly by and supporting. And this was the part that stung. It felt like a punch in the gut. He told me that I have let my health go and that my husband agonized over telling me. 

So I sat in there and reflected. I write- 4 pages total. And I left it for him. I asked him not to "answer" me. That this is about ME working on ME. I wondered if any other people out there acted rotten to their spouse and were able to reconcile? That is not my priority now. But I do not want to lose my husband. He is a good man and I am embarrassed that I have lost so much focus for him. He swears there is not another woman, just that he wants to be happy with himself. He even said I am a wonderful wife but that he doesn't think any thing will ever make him happy. 

Thoughts?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like maybe you've learned your lesson. Just remember actions speak louder than words.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sounds like maybe you've learned your lesson. Just remember actions speak louder than words.


When he told me he didn't think it would be fixed and didn't even want to give a chance to reconcile it was like someone turned the lights on after a very dark night. I saw everything. He cried. Said the hardest thing would be to push me away. But that we both deserved better, and peace. I feel so ashamed.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> When we got married I was in great physical shape and he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever been with. Two years after our marriage I had a car accident that injured my back and I stopped lifting weights (I was a powerlifter). Since that time i have gained nearly 75 pounds and have stopped exercising.


You've been together 5 years, he married you because he felt you were beautiful, and you've gone from trophy wife to morbidly obese. You no longer exercise- at all- for reasons that are not clear. Certainly a back injury does not prevent one from doing other forms of exercise such as swimming yet you have stopped completely, and the pounds are piling on. 



Kettlebelle said:


> About a year ago he brought up that I needed to begin exercising again because I was a "trophy wife" when he married me, and now I had let myself go. He is naturally thin and muscular, plus he has an active job whereas I have a white collar one. As a result he has maintained his body even though he doesn't work out anymore either. At the time he brought it up I was so hurt. I actually told him if he couldn't accept me then he could get out.


Ok, he obviously cannot accept you turning from beauty into obesity, and you told him if he can't accept it then to leave, and he has now asked to divorce. Not seeing the problem here.




Kettlebelle said:


> As I'm dealing with my child he is worried about my looks! I told him to get out and leave! Go! Get another trophy wife!


Every time he comments on your weight you demand that he leave. You are a drama queen and I'm sure that has more than a little to do with his decision to leave you.




Kettlebelle said:


> This past Friday I realized we hadn't had sex in a week. So I asked him why.


Why did you ask him? You already know the answer, he's no longer attracted to you due to the weight gain. He's stated it multiple times, every time he brings it up you tell him to leave, the problem has never been addressed so what do you expect?




Kettlebelle said:


> He said he has just not had a sex drive bc he has been so unhappy with himself, his life, his job.


He's lying to avoid further conflict. He knows if he tells you the real reason you will say "---------". Fill in the blanks. 




Kettlebelle said:


> I told him I almost packed my bags the following week and took my kids and left him. And that if it doesn't change he will need to leave. He said a few more hurtful things which led to me telling him I am done with him.


What a surprise. 



Kettlebelle said:


> Through the day yesterday I kept asking God to tell me what to do. To get me through. He told me I needed to look at myself. I heard it so clearly. For the things God revealed to me about myself. That I lack patience. I'm never satisfied. I want everything on MY timeline. I dictate to my spouse about his goals instead of standing quietly by and supporting. And this was the part that stung. It felt like a punch in the gut. He told me that I have let my health go and that my husband agonized over telling me.


You needed God to tell you this? 



Kettlebelle said:


> But I do not want to lose my husband. He is a good man and I am embarrassed that I have lost so much focus for him.


This is no longer about what you want. It's about what he wants. You can write letters and apologize and self respect and speak to God up the gazoo but until you lose the weight you don't have a snowball's chance in HELL of keeping him. You don't need God you need a personal trainer.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Kettlebelle said:


> he wants to be happy with himself. He even said I am a wonderful wife but that he doesn't think any thing will ever make him happy.
> 
> Thoughts?


I'm so sorry you're here. 
First of all, he's right. Nothing will make him happy but his own self. There is nothing YOU can do and your weight has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He's searching for something, and I'd say it is going from relationship to relationship as his thing. He's been married three times! He's not afraid of walking away when things go south. He's searching for something that he can only find in himself. 
But, that is all about him. 
I would concentrate on making yourself happy. Are you unhappy with the way you look? Is your health in jeopardy because of your weight? If so, work on you. Don't try to nice him back into the relationship. It sounds like he's made up his mind.

I wish God would talk to me. Sure it was him? Cause I don't think he cares what you look like. :wink2:


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Your daughter attempted suicide because she couldn't connect with her step-dad? I don't buy it.

I know this post is about your husband but I'm more worried about your daughter. Spend more time with her. Find out what's really going on.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

No, my daughter attempted suicide bc she had extreme anxiety and depression. He felt upset bc she identified in therapy that he makes her nervous bc he is more strict than I am and that she doesn't want to have to interact with him. She has always had a hard time connecting with people. She is my top priority. She now worries about him not being there for us since he has always maintained the house and such.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

katies said:


> I'm so sorry you're here.
> First of all, he's right. Nothing will make him happy but his own self. There is nothing YOU can do and your weight has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He's searching for something, and I'd say it is going from relationship to relationship as his thing. He's been married three times! He's not afraid of walking away when things go south. He's searching for something that he can only find in himself.
> But, that is all about him.
> I would concentrate on making yourself happy. Are you unhappy with the way you look? Is your health in jeopardy because of your weight? If so, work on you. Don't try to nice him back into the relationship. It sounds like he's made up his mind.
> ...


I never saw him as that type of person, even though he was married three times. Mainly because both of his other marriages ended because of the exes infidelity. 

I guess I felt like i needed to make amends. If I am to get through this as a better person I have to reflect on my faults and not on his. I have to accept it, but I don't want to be bitter and defensive- that's gotten me right where I am. 

My health is not in jeopardy, but I do want to feel more empowered about my body again. Hopefully through this I will rebuild to the person I was physically. If not I'll just enjoy being active again.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

browser said:


> You've been together 5 years, he married you because he felt you were beautiful, and you've gone from trophy wife to morbidly obese. You no longer exercise- at all- for reasons that are not clear. Certainly a back injury does not prevent one from doing other forms of exercise such as swimming yet you have stopped completely, and the pounds are piling on.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Valid points. Can't swim bc I wear patches. I do ride my bike and walk, but I don't lift anymore. Why? because I am having back surgery early next year and am always in pain. You're right about the "unless I lose the weight". I don't want to be in a relationship where I am going to lose them because of physical appearances, but like i said, it was a legitimate point for him and I shouldn't have kept telling him to leave.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Extreme anxiety and depression is a symptom of a larger issue. Every person who have trouble connecting with people do not attempt suicide. 15 years old do not worry about maintaining the house. She is not giving you the full story. You need to dig deeper.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Well at least you know what you have to do. 

As far as not swimming with the patches, there are workarounds for that. Different meds, cover up the patches, some med patches are actually ok while swimming even if your doc says otherwise (think about it you wear them in the shower, right?).


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Extreme anxiety and depression is a symptom of a larger issue. Every person who have trouble connecting with people do not attempt suicide. 15 years old do not worry about maintaining the house. She is not giving you the full story. You need to dig deeper.


She and I are the only ones who attend the therapy sessions. She was hospitalized 30 days total this year, and has never indicated anything. Doctor said she has severe social anxiety. She maintains to her therapist the only people she loves are me and her brother and sister. She does the same thing with her biological father and every person she meets. She and I are very close. We spend a lot of time alone talking about things. I've told her that I want to know everything. Asked about sexual trauma, bullying, ect. She said none of it has ever happened.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

browser said:


> Well at least you know what you have to do.
> 
> As far as not swimming with the patches, there are workarounds for that. Different meds, cover up the patches, some med patches are actually ok while swimming even if your doc says otherwise (think about it you wear them in the shower, right?).


Yeah, this is a 7-day patch and can't be submersed in water. When I shower I cover the patch. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I do know what I have to do for myself, not to "win him", you know. I have to get back to the basics and improve my life back to the place it was. Lose the complacency. And hopefully I'll be better because of it.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Kettlebelle said:


> Yeah, this is a 7-day patch and can't be submersed in water. When I shower I cover the patch. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I do know what I have to do for myself, not to "win him", you know. I have to get back to the basics and improve my life back to the place it was. *Lose the complacency*. And hopefully I'll be better because of it.


It is sad that it took the loss of your marriage to get you to this point


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Do you really want to be married to someone who needs a trophy wife? I'd be rethinking this from your end. 
Sure, he signed up for something and you didn't deliver but still.... this just doesn't sit right with me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kettlebelle said:


> She now worries about him not being there for us since he has always maintained the house and such.


Could you please clarify this? How has he always maintained the house and such?


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> She and I are the only ones who attend the therapy sessions. She was hospitalized 30 days total this year, and has never indicated anything. Doctor said she has severe social anxiety. She maintains to her therapist the only people she loves are me and her brother and sister. She does the same thing with her biological father and every person she meets. She and I are very close. We spend a lot of time alone talking about things. I've told her that I want to know everything. Asked about sexual trauma, bullying, ect. She said none of it has ever happened.


Was she suicidal before your current marriage? I'm still not buying it.

At the very minimum, I think trying to keep this marriage together should not be your priority.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ashamed of what? Not educating yourself on how to run a healthy marriage? That's about all I can think of blaming you for. 

You two obviously haven't taken the time to learn HOW to have a happy relationship. Soul mates? There's a lot more to a marriage than soul mates, even if you believe in the concept. 

First, I'll tell you to read the book His Needs Her Needs; it will explain what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. 

Second, I will bet MONEY that he married you because he thought you were hot. Many men see only with their little brain and now that you're no longer driving a hot body, you don't matter. Not only you don't matter, but 75 pounds gained? That's a lot to expect the other spouse to accept, even for a woman. Thus the no sex. He's no longer attracted to you. And that's his prerogative, as you'll learn in the HNHN book. So if you want to remain married, you'll have to accept that one of his 'needs' is an attractive spouse. Start exercising today.

Second, how long from when you first 'found' each other to when you met up in April? That's important.

Third, one of the biggest no-no's in marriage is to give an ultimatum, if that's not what you really want. If you're not really ready to divorce, never utter the word divorce. You're now learning that the hard way, as YOU are having to backtrack and eat crow. 

Fourth, by threatening divorce, you've now learned where your H's head probably is - he wants out. He wants a trophy wife because he is likely full of dysfunction; it's usually the insecure, self-loathing people that cling to things like trophy wives to boost their own ego, in the hopes that people will then like and admire them (since they know deep down nobody SHOULD like and admire them).

Fifth, you wrote the letter because you hope/expect it to DO something for you: fix the marriage. Don't write things just to get a reaction. The book No More Mr Nice Guy calls that a covert contract: something YOU do to/for someone else in the hopes that it will 'move' them to give YOU what YOU want. In fact, I'll bet you've been sitting by the phone all day, wondering if/when he'll read it and call you and tell you everything's ok. Stop doing things like that. It makes you weak and it gives away your power.

Sixth, he's probably right about never being happy. Not without professional help. I usually tell people to never enter into a second marriage before figuring out what went wrong with the first one. If you can PROVE that it was all the partner's fault (bipolar, etc.), then fine, move on to another marriage. If not, then before you marry, figure out what YOU did to contribute to the failed marriage, and fix that about yourself. 

If he's gone into his THIRD failing marriage, it's a good bet that he carried all his problems with him into this one and it's also a good bet that he had a LOT to do with the other marriages' demise. So, no, unless he starts going to therapy, he never will be happy.

Seventh, and to me most importantly, you have a child who is SO unhappy with her life that she'd rather die. Barring being bullied or targeted at school, you and your husband and her siblings ARE her life. Which means something in YOUR FAMILY is likely causing her to have no hope. I don't know anything about you or your H or the other members, but statistics show that remarrying often has a horribly toxic effect on children, in multiple ways. And I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would be removing myself AND my child AND her siblings from that marriage, for now, for no other reason than to let her breathe. Then start using therapy to figure out what - exactly - is causing her this distress. And remember that, at her age, you are no longer safe for her to tell the real reason to. Especially if that reason might be your husband.

And I hate to bring this up, but I feel I must, just in case. Your H is fixated on females' good looks, at least to an extent. You are very overweight and not taking care of yourself. Your daughter is 15, in the height of her 'good looks' period of her life. Even if he's not the type of person to have those types of thoughts, it's possible there is a tension in the household over things like that. I urge you to at least ask her doctors to bring up the possibility of some sort of strain in relation to that.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

katies said:


> Do you really want to be married to someone who needs a trophy wife? I'd be rethinking this from your end.
> Sure, he signed up for something and you didn't deliver but still.... this just doesn't sit right with me.


Very poor choice of words on his part for sure, and ones that understandably put one on the defensive, however...

I can say for absolute certain, if my wife gained 75 lbs, it would have a very negative impact on how physically attracted I was to her, and as much as some try and say it isn't, or shouldn't be, physical attraction is an essential part of almost all thriving relationships.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Kettlebelle said:


> Thoughts?


He doesn't have a sex drive because you gained 75 pounds... You really can't put the two together?

Whether you agree with it or not. You being attractive to him, is a need of his that isn't being met.

And he's willing to divorce you for it. He's called your "bluff" so you have two choices.

Save your marriage and lose the 75 pounds or be stubborn and get divorced.

I'm NOT saying it's right or wrong. THIS is where he's at, the decision is yours.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> Yeah, this is a 7-day patch and can't be submersed in water. When I shower I cover the patch. Not an excuse, just an explanation. I do know what I have to do for myself, not to "win him", you know. I have to get back to the basics and improve my life back to the place it was. Lose the complacency. And hopefully I'll be better because of it.


Well that's true but keeping within the context of the thread- he's leaving you, you are begging him to stay and you're looking for advice as to how to go about doing that.

He's all about the visual and you need to meet his needs if you expect him to stay.

It's true that while you go about improving your appearance you'll be helping yourself- obesity is linked to heart conditions, vascular disorders, diabetes, cancer, and mood disorders, and unhappy fellow airline passengers, as you may already know.



katies said:


> Do you really want to be married to someone who needs a trophy wife? I'd be rethinking this from your end.
> Sure, he signed up for something and you didn't deliver but still.... this just doesn't sit right with me.


Doesn't sit right with him either.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Very poor choice of words on his part for sure, and ones that understandably put one on the defensive, however...
> 
> I can say for absolute certain, if my wife gained 75 lbs, it would have a very negative impact on how physically attracted I was to her, and as much as some try and say it isn't, or shouldn't be, physical attraction is an essential part of almost all thriving relationships.


I agree. But there is a difference between trophy wife and gaining 75 lbs. 

But this:
"He wants a trophy wife because he is likely full of dysfunction; it's usually the insecure, self-loathing people that cling to things like trophy wives to boost their own ego, in the hopes that people will then like and admire them (since they know deep down nobody SHOULD like and admire them)."

is really what I was getting at. He's got issues. Big ones. And everybody here is trying to tell you it is directly related to your daughter's attempt at killing herself and you're not listening.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

browser said:


> Well that's true but keeping within the context of the thread- he's leaving you, you are begging him to stay and you're looking for advice as to how to go about doing that.
> 
> He's all about the visual and you need to meet his needs if you expect him to stay.
> 
> ...


so he's leaving. But why marry a guy like that in the first place. Look at that.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> It is sad that it took the loss of your marriage to get you to this point


It really is. But I feel at least positive that I am learning from at all. He will have his own lessons to learn, but he has to identify those himself.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

katies said:


> I agree. But there is a difference between trophy wife and gaining 75 lbs.
> 
> But this:
> "He wants a trophy wife because he is likely full of dysfunction; it's usually the insecure, self-loathing people that cling to things like trophy wives to boost their own ego, in the hopes that people will then like and admire them (since they know deep down nobody SHOULD like and admire them)."
> ...


My exwife was arguably a 10, most who know her agree she was smoking hot and I only date very attractive women. 

Why? Because, well I LIKE to date and have sex with attractive women. Fat and ugly just turn me off and it has nothing at all to do with ego boosting or wanting other people to like me or me not liking myself. It's all about natural, instinctive human attraction and while there are some or many who can get past such shallowminded thoughts as wanting to only have sex with a woman whose belly is tucked well within her waistband I am not one of them.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Kettlebelle said:


> It really is. But I feel at least positive that I am learning from at all. He will have his own lessons to learn, but *he has to identify those himself*.


You are spot on here. This is very important for you to remember.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> He doesn't have a sex drive because you gained 75 pounds... You really can't put the two together?
> 
> Whether you agree with it or not. You being attractive to him, is a need of his that isn't being met.
> 
> ...


Again, I will accept this part.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am going to tell you something that many woman don't like to hear but is true. Men are visual creatures. Just like woman are emotional ones. For many men it's not in their nature to be emotionally present with their wives, but you know what that's tough if they want a happy wife they better learn or at least try. It is very obvious to me as a man that most woman need emotional energy to want to have sex at least after the newness wears off. Yes they can occasionally just do it for fun, but generally it is the emotional commitment that makes her want to give herself to her man. Man need to understand that this is in a woman's nature, and though you may not feel the same way you can learn to provide that for her. It is only in your best interest. 

Same goes for woman, men like to look at their wives, it is the primary part of our sexuality. This is why most men LOOK at porn, they don't READ romance novels. Porn for men generally has no plot. I get that you think this is shallow but you are really no different then they guy who came on here and said that his wife talks to him too much, and it was like 15 minutes. Sorry but your appearance is a very big part of his marriage to you. He is not attracted to you anymore because you gained way too much weight. He tried to tell you and you dismissed him. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings but he also knows you will just tell him he is shallow. He is done trying to tell you this now. Basically he is done. 

What happened is you don't have a fundamental understanding about how men work. If you want to think we are shallow then that is fine, but this is our nature. Again no different then the guy who says, my wife goes on about stuff that I could care less about. Dude she is trying to connect to you emotionally. If you had come on here and said you gained 10 pounds or even 20 I would think he is being way to picky, but you let yourself go. You took him for granted. Men get immense pleasure out of looking at our wives, if we are attracted to them, as we should be. You have taken that aspect of your relationship away from him. Also our equipment doesn't work if we are not attracted. You say you want sex but you don't even put his visual nature into the equation, this makes me think you don't have a very good sense of how we work. 

First and foremost stop tell him you took your health for granted, it's not your health. You took his physical attraction to you for granted. A man's attraction to his wife is a tremendous gift (from God). It's good for both of you, why did you give that up? As I have surveyed men and woman in my life and tried to explain this, the only thing I can relate it to is when I see a woman hold a baby. There is an almost primeval desire to hold and nurture it. You hear woman say "my ovaries are burning", things like that. I don't think most men have that feeling. Yes we think they are cute and we want one, but is doesn't affect our whole body the way it does most woman. However when we see an attractive woman, that does affect our whole body. All our senses. I suspect this is similar. This is what a man wants to feel for his wife. 

Anyway I don't think you are done, but I think you need to make his sexual nature a priority. You need to let him know you will. See if that helps. 

Also you need to get a book, on men's sexual nature.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please clarify this? How has he always maintained the house and such?


Meaning he repairs things, mows the grass, fixes the a/c, ect. We both work, pull our part with the household chores.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Extreme anxiety and depression is a symptom of a larger issue. Every person who have trouble connecting with people do not attempt suicide. 15 years old do not worry about maintaining the house. She is not giving you the full story. You need to dig deeper.


I agree with this also.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

I wish a man could go through what it's like to get back your sexy body after having a few babies. Maybe they'd be more understanding then. Do you know what it's like to have your worth tied up with how you look? 
I work my a $ $ off to stay in shape. I guess I better or I might lose my husband. Jeez.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Kettlebelle said:


> He then called my bluff.


I guess he could only take so many threats of leaving.

You got what you wanted. Now you're unhappy? Push-pull behavior is not healthy, for all involved. I think you need to look inward as to why you push away and then try to pull him back. 

I'm not saying he is a prize. Sorry about your accident. Being told by him you were a trophy wife is harsh. He may not have meant offense. Maybe he preferred how attractive you were and wanted you to take better care of yourself? We all change over time but we are all responsible for our own health. 

Did your accident make it impossible to exercise? You may not have gone back to your original shape, but trying would show him that you were serious about your health.

It seems like there is a lot of resentment from both sides. Maybe it is best to move on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kettlebelle said:


> Meaning he repairs things, mows the grass, fixes the a/c, ect. We both work, pull our part with the household chores.


Why would a 15 year old girl be concerned about this?


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Kettlebelle said:


> Valid points. Can't swim bc I wear patches. I do ride my bike and walk, but I don't lift anymore. Why? because I am having back surgery early next year and am always in pain. You're right about the "unless I lose the weight". I don't want to be in a relationship where I am going to lose them because of physical appearances, but like i said, it was a legitimate point for him and I shouldn't have kept telling him to leave.


I was impressed that you were open-minded to some pretty strong criticism from another poster. That's a very good trait. 

Regarding your weight, power lifting or any type of lifting, is needed to maintain weight. Bike riding is a very good form of exercise. I become more toned each spring when I can start riding my bike to work most days. Losing and maintaining weight is 80% diet. Ask your husband to help you and him stick to a more healthy diet. When you begin losing weight, this topic becomes one that you both enjoy bringing up. 

When I was in my early 30's, a girlfriend told me that she enjoys watching muscular guys at the gym. I was at first defensive and felt that she was somehow wrong to be that way. I soon turned it into strong motivation to work hard in the gym and become muscular myself. Funny thing is, after a year of bulking up, she told me that she preferred me when I was slim and that now I look too much like a boxer.  (I no longer look like a boxer)


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

katies said:


> I wish a man could go through what it's like to get back your sexy body after having a few babies. Maybe they'd be more understanding then. Do you know what it's like to have your worth tied up with how you look?
> I work my a $ $ off to stay in shape. I guess I better or I might lose my husband. Jeez.


I can see this to a degree, however this is no different than any other need in a marriage. 

If one has a need for intimate conversation with their spouse, and then the spouse takes a job where then no longer wants to provide intimate conversation, how is it different?

If it is important to your spouse, and your spouse was good enough to marry, then it is important enough to continue doing. It really is that simple.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> I wish a man could go through what it's like to get back your sexy body after having a few babies. Maybe they'd be more understanding then. Do you know what it's like to have your worth tied up with how you look?
> I work my a $ $ off to stay in shape. I guess I better or I might lose my husband. Jeez.


First I knew this would be the reaction. We are talking about 75 pounds not 10, we are also not talking about 65 year old woman, she is in her 30's. She could ride a stationary bike and lose 20 pounds pretty quickly. She didn't say she is bed ridden. Plus plenty of woman are a able to get back in shape after having 3 babies. It just has to be a priority. If she needs the time to do it, he should help her, after all it is for both of them. 

I suspect having your worth tied up in your appearance is a lot like having your worth tied up in having a good job. It's stressful, but you know what, that's life. I get that woman want a man to PROVIDE for them. I get that they were not going to like me just for my "joyful" personality. You can rail against it but it's kind of like railing against the tide. It's still going to come in. 

Finally you should want to stay in shape because you should get pleasure out of your husband getting pleasure looking at you. If he expects you to look like a super model then I get it. I am not writing my wife poems every night either. However 75 pounds is quite a lot of weight, assuming she isn't 6' 5".


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> I can see this to a degree, however this is no different than any other need in a marriage.
> 
> If one has a need for intimate conversation with their spouse, and then the spouse takes a job where then no longer want to provide intimate conversation, how is it different?
> 
> If it is important to your spouse, and your spouse was good enough to marry, then it is important enough to continue doing. It really is that simple.


 @katies you were quick to say you would leave the guy if he had OCD and changed the nature of the relationship in the other thread, why is this any different?


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> I can see this to a degree, however this is no different than any other need in a marriage.
> 
> If one has a need for intimate conversation with their spouse, and then the spouse takes a job where then no longer want to provide intimate conversation, how is it different?
> 
> If it is important to your spouse, and your spouse was good enough to marry, then it is important enough to continue doing. It really is that simple.


I just think it's a lot easier to just sit there and listen to someone compared to not eating much and having to take time out of your day to get to the gym or workout facility or go for a run. 
Imagine doing this after an alien pretty much steals your body for 9 months and doesn't leave it in the same condition but rather behind the 8 ball, so to speak. 
Let's say conversing takes 15 minutes and counting calories and exercising takes an hour. At least. I spend 2 hours doing this every day. 
Today
me: weight lifting for 40 minutes this morning.
intermittent fasting until 11. 1500 worth of calories all day counted on myfitnesspal.
swimming from 5-6.
coming home and making tofu salad.
Convo with hubby for 15 minutes and then World Series.

hubby: weight lifting for 40 minutes this am.
fries and burger for lunch
comes home to tofu salad and 15 minutes of convo with me and the World Series. 

does this seem fair? He's gained weight and I don't care. 
I guess I'm venting. Sorry for the t/j


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I am going to tell you something that many woman don't like to hear but is true. Men are visual creatures. Just like woman are emotional ones. For many men it's not in their nature to be emotionally present with their wives, but you know what that's tough if they want a happy wife they better learn or at least try. It is very obvious to me as a man that most woman need emotional energy to want to have sex at least after the newness wears off. Yes they can occasionally just do it for fun, but generally it is the emotional commitment that makes her want to give herself to her man. Man need to understand that this is in a woman's nature, and though you may not feel the same way you can learn to provide that for her. It is only in your best interest.
> 
> Same goes for woman, men like to look at their wives, it is the primary part of our sexuality. This is why most men LOOK at porn, they don't READ romance novels. Porn for men generally has no plot. I get that you think this is shallow but you are really no different then they guy who came on here and said that his wife talks to him too much, and it was like 15 minutes. Sorry but your appearance is a very big part of his marriage to you. He is not attracted to you anymore because you gained way too much weight. He tried to tell you and you dismissed him. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings but he also knows you will just tell him he is shallow. He is done trying to tell you this now. Basically he is done.
> 
> ...


This was VERY helpful. My husband is a leo. So on top of a normal man's pride he has the lion pride. Always wants to have the nicest cars, home. Always wants me wearing nice jewelry. 

The comparison to a baby-woman and an attractive woman-man opened my eyes. I never understood it like that. And now I do. I do not think it's shallow, I think that it's a valid point, and thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Of course I want to be the best version of myself. I did stop taking care of myself in that way, and I have to accept that that is how he feels. I owe it to myself to get back to the basics. And understand that I did take it for granted. I did assume he loved me so much and since he says I'm his "soul mate" that he would never lose the attraction to me. I guess I didn't see myself for who I'd turned into, but who I'd been. 

Hard pill to swallow, but it's the truth.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> @katies you were quick to say you would leave the guy if he had OCD and changed the nature of the relationship in the other thread, why is this any different?


I absolutely think this guy has a right to leave. She changed what he signed up for when he gained weight. HOWEVER, I think she should rethink her desire to remain married to someone who even wants a trophy wife. I think it's shallow.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> does this seem fair? He's gained weight and I don't care.
> I guess I'm venting. Sorry for the t/j


Who said life is fair? I am sure their are other things though that you would care about. I suspect you expect him to make them a priority, these may not seem easy to him. Again, I am not saying you should look like a super model.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

katies said:


> I just think it's a lot easier to just sit there and listen to someone compared to not eating much and having to take time out of your day to get to the gym or workout facility or go for a run.
> Imagine doing this after an alien pretty much steals your body for 9 months and doesn't leave it in the same condition but rather behind the 8 ball, so to speak.
> Let's say conversing takes 15 minutes and counting calories and exercising takes an hour. At least. I spend 2 hours doing this every day.
> Today
> ...


No, ti's the truth. Mine ate way more than I have ever eaten. I went from running marathons and being able to out-squat most men at my gym to being unable to jog, all in a day's time. It is unfair sometimes.


----------



## katies (May 19, 2015)

Kettlebelle said:


> Always wants to have the nicest cars, home. Always wants me wearing nice jewelry.
> 
> .


OMG, just no. 
WHY do you want to be married to someone like this? Why? He wants to show you off on his arm. Ick!
I'm done with this thread.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> I absolutely think this guy has a right to leave. She changed what he signed up for when he gained weight. HOWEVER, I think she should rethink her desire to remain married to someone who even wants a trophy wife. I think it's shallow.


I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that trophy wife was more him trying to tell her how hot he thought she was, not saying I married you because you made me look good. Though there is some of that I am sure, and we all do a little of that.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

katies said:


> I just think it's a lot easier to just sit there and listen to someone compared to not eating much and having to take time out of your day to get to the gym or workout facility or go for a run.
> Imagine doing this after an alien pretty much steals your body for 9 months and doesn't leave it in the same condition but rather behind the 8 ball, so to speak.
> Let's say conversing takes 15 minutes and counting calories and exercising takes an hour. At least. I spend 2 hours doing this every day.
> Today
> ...



The OP was in good shape when she married her husband. That was many years after she had her last baby. so all the baby stuff has no impact on this thread. Discussion of how having a baby and aliens cause weight gain and mess with the body is a thread jack on this thread.

She hurt her back, stopped working out and gained weight. It's pretty simple and predictable.


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I was impressed that you were open-minded to some pretty strong criticism from another poster. That's a very good trait.
> 
> Regarding your weight, power lifting or any type of lifting, is needed to maintain weight. Bike riding is a very good form of exercise. I become more toned each spring when I can start riding my bike to work most days. Losing and maintaining weight is 80% diet. Ask your husband to help you and him stick to a more healthy diet. When you begin losing weight, this topic becomes one that you both enjoy bringing up.
> 
> When I was in my early 30's, a girlfriend told me that she enjoys watching muscular guys at the gym. I was at first defensive and felt that she was somehow wrong to be that way. I soon turned it into strong motivation to work hard in the gym and become muscular myself. Funny thing is, after a year of bulking up, she told me that she preferred me when I was slim and that now I look too much like a boxer.  (I no longer look like a boxer)


Thank you for the positive feedback


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

turnera said:


> Seventh, and to me most importantly, you have a child who is SO unhappy with her life that she'd rather die. Barring being bullied or targeted at school, you and your husband and her siblings ARE her life. Which means something in YOUR FAMILY is likely causing her to have no hope. I don't know anything about you or your H or the other members, but statistics show that remarrying often has a horribly toxic effect on children, in multiple ways. And I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would be removing myself AND my child AND her siblings from that marriage, for now, for no other reason than to let her breathe. Then start using therapy to figure out what - exactly - is causing her this distress. And remember that, at her age, you are no longer safe for her to tell the real reason to. Especially if that reason might be your husband.
> 
> *And I hate to bring this up, but I feel I must, just in case. Your H is fixated on females' good looks, at least to an extent. You are very overweight and not taking care of yourself. Your daughter is 15, in the height of her 'good looks' period of her life. Even if he's not the type of person to have those types of thoughts, it's possible there is a tension in the household over things like that. I urge you to at least ask her doctors to bring up the possibility of some sort of strain in relation to that*.


Like X100. I can't agree with ^^^^This^^^^more. @Kettlebelle, this was the first thought that popped into my head as soon as you described your daughter's troubled relationship with your husband. Her reactions to him are not normal, even for a young adult suffering with anxiety. It doesn't makes sense and needs to be investigated further.

You appear to be a woman of faith and as such I recommend that instead of asking God to give you the strength to get your husband back, you should be thanking him for removing a possibly toxic influence from your young family. 




Kettlebelle said:


> It really is. *But I feel at least positive that I am learning from at all. *He will have his own lessons to learn, but he has to identify those himself.


If you learn nothing else from this whole experience, I hope you learn to never, ever consider a LTR with a man who places so much emphasis on your outward appearance. See, the natural aging process and Trophy Wife DO NOT go together. Your trophy wife loving husband found your weight to be a problem today but chances high that he would find your wrinkles, sagging skin age spots, etc.. a problem in the future. Look for someone who when asked what he loves most about you doesn't say "her beauty".


----------



## Kettlebelle (Nov 2, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that trophy wife was more him trying to tell her how hot he thought she was, not saying I married you because you made me look good. Though there is some of that I am sure, and we all do a little of that.


He wasn't being malicious when he said it. He wasn't mean. But I'd have been more receptive if he said he framed it differently. It did sting. Made me feel like he only married me because I was pretty. I should've been receptive. But it really killed my ego, which in turn made me depressed. Then took all motivation that could've developed.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

katies said:


> does this seem fair? He's gained weight and I don't care.
> 
> 
> sokillme said:
> ...


Exactly. That word, "Fair" is always a trigger for me I just shake my head when I hear or read others talking about it as if "fairness" is some soft of God given right.

As @sokillme so aptly put it, life aint fair, don't live your days expecting it to be that way.

If it was we'd all be living in big house and driving expensive cars and big boats.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> This was VERY helpful. My husband is a leo. So on top of a normal man's pride he has the lion pride. Always wants to have the nicest cars, home. Always wants me wearing nice jewelry.
> 
> The comparison to a baby-woman and an attractive woman-man opened my eyes. I never understood it like that. And now I do. I do not think it's shallow, I think that it's a valid point, and thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Of course I want to be the best version of myself. I did stop taking care of myself in that way, and I have to accept that that is how he feels. I owe it to myself to get back to the basics. And understand that I did take it for granted. I did assume he loved me so much and since he says I'm his "soul mate" that he would never lose the attraction to me. I guess I didn't see myself for who I'd turned into, but who I'd been.
> 
> Hard pill to swallow, but it's the truth.


He probably is still an will always be emotionally attracted to you. But then you need to understand the way you dismissed him emotionally when he was trying to tell you that this was a fundamental part of the marriage that you had totally abandoned. Whether he is capable of articulating that or not that I am sure has contributed to his frustration. 

A few things, first off, with your daughter, coming from someone whose Mother didn't have the most success with men and married a "not well adjusted" person (my step father). I would have never been able to tell her that at 15. I did cry when I found out they were getting married at 11. I was very close with her and told her lots of other stuff, for instance when I first smoked pot, told her right away. She almost had a nervous breakdown. :lol: My point being even though I was very open, I didn't think it was my place to intrude on her marriage at that point. I was also a guy so there was no possibility of that kind of problem (he's straight). 

She eventually divorced him when I was in my 20's and he had done so much that I basically told her it can't stand. I was the one who convinced her. She is a lot like you, christian woman, deeply prays. She stayed and overlooked everything because she was scared that she wouldn't be able to take care of herself. She finally had to really put her trust in God that "he would supply all her needs" and she will tell you know she is the most happy she has ever been. She started over in her mid 50's. Make sure you are not making the same mistake by staying. 

Also make sure there are no shenanigans going on with your husband toward your daughter. I hate that I have to say it but Men's sexual nature can also have a dark side. Make sure she feels safe. 

Next what I was talking about was pure lust, which is a good thing when it comes to husbands and wives. I was not talking about your appearance being a reflection on his status. I get that he wants his wife to look good but that shouldn't be his priority. I also think if it is then that is not a good sign because as we age there is only so much you can do. I think there is a healthy expectation. I don't think you need to be back to what you were in your peak. Hopefully you can tell if this is the case. I was giving him the benefit with the trophy wife comment, but maybe I was wrong. I just thought he was telling you, you were so hot you were like one of those trophy wives. This being a kind of clumsy complement. But maybe you should talk about reasonable expectations when you are ready and before you commit. For right now though 75 pounds is way to much no matter what. You could get diabetes or whatever else. You have kids and a daughter that needs you. 

Anyway the stuff I said about men's nature is good for you to know either way.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> If you learn nothing else from this whole experience, I hope you learn to never, ever consider a LTR with a man who places so much emphasis on your outward appearance. See, the natural aging process and Trophy Wife DO NOT go together. Your trophy wife loving husband found your weight to be a problem today but chances high that he would find your wrinkles, sagging skin age spots, etc.. a problem in the future. Look for someone who when asked what he loves most about you doesn't say "her beauty".


Again being totally honest, good luck with that. When most men marry beauty has a LOT to do with that. 

I think there is a happy medium. Again OP is 35 and has put on quite a lot of weight, I don't think many men would be happy about that. I get that some woman don't like this but this is the way it is with most men. Better to be honest then to deny it. We are not talking about the typical 10 to 15 pounds. I assume OP is in the 5' to 5'7 range. It is possible that Trophy wife comment was not meant like I want you to be in the best shape possible, but more like you were really hot. This is what OP needs to figure out.

I also think she needs to learn that men are visual and you can't just give up on your appearance when you commit to someone. Assuming you are not bed ridden or have a disease.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I think there is a happy medium. Again OP is 35 and has put on quite a lot of weight, I don't think many men would be happy about that. I get that some woman don't like this but this is the way it is with most men. Better to be honest then to deny it. We are not talking about the typical 10 to 15 pounds. I assume OP is in the 5' to 5'7 range. It is possible that Trophy wife comment was not meant like I want you to be in the best shape possible, but more like you were really hot. This is what OP needs to figure out.


No where did I suggest that the weight gain was not a concern. What I did suggest is that she stay away from men who put an extraordinary amount of focus on outward appearances.....just as I would recommend a man to seek a ltr with a women who cares more about him than his money.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> He wasn't being malicious when he said it. He wasn't mean. But I'd have been more receptive if he said he framed it differently. It did sting. Made me feel like he only married me because I was pretty. I should've been receptive. But it really killed my ego, which in turn made me depressed. Then took all motivation that could've developed.


Ahh communication in marriage. Would that we could all get to a place that when something like this is said that we would respond, "this makes me think you only married me for my looks." Alas it is so hard to do this. If you can get to this point with your spouse though, it really makes for a good marriage. You also need a spouse who is receptive.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> No where did I suggest that the weight gain was not a concern. What I did suggest is that she stay away from men who put an extraordinary amount of focus on outward appearances.....just as I would recommend a man to seek a ltr with a women who cares more about him than his money.


Yeah reasonable expectations. I agree.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kettlebelle said:


> Meaning he repairs things, mows the grass, fixes the a/c, ect. We both work, pull our part with the household chores.


meh, that's why you hire people. At 15, she's not old enough to realize that's an option.

When we got our DD26 her first car when she was 17 (we only buy new cars, but we usually keep them at least 10 years), and we were signing the papers, she burst into tears. I couldn't figure out why. 

Turns out, since she had ONLY seen us keep cars for 10 or more years, _she assumed _she HAD to keep her car for at least 10 years. And she wasn't sure she liked the color of the car she'd picked out. So she was in tears at thinking about being stuck with a car she didn't like; it was like a death sentence to her!

So we had to explain to her that she could trade in and get a new car every six months if she wanted to, it was completely up to her. 

That's how teenagers think, when they don't have the real world experience to know they have options, or even what options are. If he does all the work, she assumes only he can do all the work, so she's stuck with him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kettlebelle said:


> This was VERY helpful. My husband is a leo. So on top of a normal man's pride he has the lion pride. Always wants to have the nicest cars, home. Always wants me wearing nice jewelry.


That's not pride. That's insecurity.

I know. I'm married to that man. He grew up digging food out of trash cans to eat while his dad drank their rent.

BMWs, bragging about our million dollar home, jewelry box full of jewelry I never wear...all about HIM and his fear he will lose people's admiration if he's anything BUT all this.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Kettlebelle said:


> Again, I will accept this part.


You don't need to take up powerlifting again and you don't even need to do cardio if your back if still screwed up.

A healthy diet alone and frequent walking would get most of those pounds off. It's completely doable.

You don't need to be chiseled. Most women aren't. Just don't be obese. Isn't that worth your marriage?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> What I did suggest is that she stay away from men who put an extraordinary amount of focus on outward appearances.....


In this scenario, 75 pounds is not an extraordinary amount of focus. 

If he was complaining about 15 pounds then I'd be in agreement with you.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> This was VERY helpful. My husband is a leo. So on top of a normal man's pride he has the lion pride.


Astrology is bunk. He is the way he is because of life experiences, genetics, and random factors. 

Not because of the alignment of the planets at the time of his birth.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Again being totally honest, *good luck with that*. When most men marry beauty has a LOT to do with that.



I didn't catch this part of your post earlier. I would venture to guess that there are a lot of men out there who marry less than physically beautiful women for reasons beyond the physical. Of course, for some men beauty IS only skin deep and they are incapable of judging a potential partner beyond what they can see with their two eyes. These are the so-called "high value women" (LMAO, if you only knew). To those I say, don't complain when you find yourself stuck in a marriage with someone who you don't like at all.......but she sure is pretty.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> In this scenario, 75 pounds is not an extraordinary amount of focus.
> 
> If he was complaining about 15 pounds then I'd be in agreement with you.


Here husband is a trophy hunter. Regardless of her weight, he was going to find fault with her appearance eventually. That's how Trophy hunters function. That's my point. OP should look for a man who IS NOT a trophy hunter.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lila said:


> I didn't catch this part of your post earlier. I would venture to guess that there are a lot of men out there who marry less than physically beautiful women for reasons beyond the physical.


I hate to continue the T/J but...I'll place a bet that 90% of those men are not all that physically handsome, themselves. In other words, the gorgeous men seek out the gorgeous women - and usually get them. That leaves all the rest of us, who don't even try.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> the gorgeous men seek out the gorgeous women - and usually get them.


And the guys that have money. Or the ones that say they do.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> I didn't catch this part of your post earlier. I would venture to guess that there are a lot of men out there who marry less than physically beautiful women for reasons beyond the physical. Of course, for some men beauty IS only skin deep and they are incapable of judging a potential partner beyond what they can see with their two eyes. These are the so-called "high value women" (LMAO, if you only knew). To those I say, don't complain when you find yourself stuck in a marriage with someone who you don't like at all.......but she sure is pretty.



Sorry I emended my post. Most men reasonably attractive men are not marrying a woman they are not attracted to. Again this is part of the equation.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Sorry I emended my post. Most men reasonably attractive *men are not marrying a woman they are not attracted to. Again this is part of the equation*.


I think we've come full circle.



Lila said:


> I would venture to guess that *there are a lot of men out there who marry less than physically beautiful women for reasons beyond the physical*.


I agree that men are not marrying women they are not attracted to. Thankfully for most, attraction is made up of more than physical attributes. Otherwise, bottom feeders like myself would have never found a spouse.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> Thankfully for most, attraction is made up of more than physical attributes. Otherwise, bottom feeders like myself would have never found a spouse.


I hope this is sarcasm...... You don't seem like the type to willfully disparage yourself.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> I hope this is sarcasm...... You don't seem like the type to willfully disparage yourself.


Not sarcastic at all. I'm pragmatic enough to recognize that men who have been attracted to me were so for reasons other than my physical appearance. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> Not sarcastic at all. I'm pragmatic enough to recognize that men who have been attracted to me were so for reasons other than my physical appearance.


A pragmatic person would realize, as long as you are fit and healthy, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> A pragmatic person would realize, as long as you are fit and healthy, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


A pragmatic person also recognizes pretty plays a very large part in assessing physical beauty, moreso probably than fitness and health.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

katies said:


> Do you really want to be married to someone who needs a trophy wife? I'd be rethinking this from your end.
> Sure, he signed up for something and you didn't deliver but still.... this just doesn't sit right with me.


I think you're getting hung up on the "trophy wife" description and being rather unfair to her husband. It sounds like there is a striking difference in her physique over the last few years. She claims she is a woman that wants/needs sex but is disappointed that her H isn't coming for any. Then accuses him of an affair. My wife suggested that and I was furious. That suggestion is basically saying "I don't trust you." And it tells me that she is blind to the obvious reason. But, he's not asking her to be a trophy wife right now. He wants her to be attractive, which may be as simple as losing 20 pounds and buying a bustier to cover over the imperfections. But, this is a very primal thing for men. It is basic biology that men are visually aroused and blaming him for normal male biology is not going to get you anywhere. I can relate. My wife has gained a lot of weight and is now obese and she is not physically attractive anymore. My therapist privately suggested that I close my eyes and imagine what she looked like when she was more slimmer, but that doesn't work for me because I want eye contact when we are having sex. A large part of my arousal is physical attraction and that is normal. Meanwhile, I am in the best shape of my life. This week, I got us both gym memberships at LA Fitness and said we could go work out together. I would happily join her and encourage her in doing a spin class or yoga. But her reaction was absolute fury and she said I was calling her fat and not listening to her. I just don't know what to. I have been supportive of her weight loss plans for the past 2 years, but she has only gotten heavier. Anyway, enough about me...

So to summarize... 

She went from weightlifter-fit to obese and is wondering why her husband was not sexually aroused and attracted to her anymore? And after ignoring his gentle suggestions to work on herself, she accused him of cheating? Then told him to get out! Wow. She wrecked this marriage all on her own...


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> A pragmatic person also recognizes pretty plays a very large part in assessing physical beauty, moreso probably than fitness and health.


It's sad you have such a narrow view of beauty. You can't control how you look so who gets to defines beauty? 

Fitness and health is something you can control it is not subjective. These contribute to overall attractiveness.

I don't want to thread jack OP anymore because we got off on a tangent but your personal view saddens me.

I certainly don't agree with it. I've never seen a fit and healthy women who I thought was "ugly". That's all.


----------



## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Your husband is shallow, he wants a trophy wife and you aren't it anymore, that's why he doesn't want to have sex with you. If you are happy with the way you look then stay that way. The next man you meet will be fine with your body or he won't date you. You did contribute to the demise of your marriage by getting angry and telling him to leave. Odds are he will be on his fourth marriage and his fourth divorce.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Married27years said:


> Your husband is shallow, he wants a trophy wife and you aren't it anymore, that's why he doesn't want to have sex with you. If you are happy with the way you look then stay that way. The next man you meet will be fine with your body or he won't date you. You did contribute to the demise of your marriage by getting angry and telling him to leave. Odds are he will be on his fourth marriage and his fourth divorce.


Most men are not attracted to very overweight woman (doesn't make them shallow) just like woman wanting men who have a good job makes them shallow. Being overweight is going to lower the pool of men available for her, this gives you less choices, less quality of choices. It sounds good, everyone loves "love yourself" advice but it doesn't mean it is helpful.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> He wasn't being malicious when he said it. He wasn't mean. But I'd have been more receptive if he said he framed it differently. It did sting. Made me feel like he only married me because I was pretty. I should've been receptive. But it really killed my ego, which in turn made me depressed. Then took all motivation that could've developed.


I'm going to do something novel on this thread and address the OP who's been missing since last night.

Since nobody is asking this question I guess I will need to.

Kettle, is it at all possible that your husband has been looking at your daughter in a, uhh not so fatherly manner? I'm not accusing him of taking any immoral action but is it at all possible that your daughter feels she is not able to speak frankly to you about some unwanted attention she is receiving?

I know your mind is occupied right now with trying to keep this marriage intact but can you get back to us soon?

The rest of you can go back to the discussion about why gorgeous men don't date ugly women. For the record, I am a gorgeous man who got tired of dating pretty little psychos, married my best friend and lived happily ever after.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> It's sad you have such a narrow view of beauty. You can't control how you look so who gets to defines beauty?
> 
> Fitness and health is something you can control it is not subjective. These contribute to overall attractiveness.
> 
> I don't want to thread jack OP anymore because we got off on a tangent but your personal view saddens me.


I don't want to continue to thread jack either, my view as sad as it is, is my truth based on what I've learned throughout my 42 years on this planet. As someone else said, life isn't fair. Some win the genetic lottery, some don't. I accepted a long time ago that I was not a winner so I focused instead on improving my other attributes.



BetrayedDad said:


> I certainly don't agree with it. I've never seen a fit and healthy women who I thought was "ugly". That's all.


I think this makes you unique and in the minority but that's probably a discussion for another thread. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KillerClown said:


> I'm going to do something novel on this thread and address the OP who's been missing since last night.
> 
> Since nobody is asking this question I guess I will need to.
> 
> ...


I asked her that and several other things, and she didn't address my post.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

KillerClown said:


> I'm going to do something novel on this thread and address the OP who's been missing since last night.
> 
> *Since nobody is asking this question I guess I will need to.*
> 
> ...


@tunera asked the question way back in post #18. OP didn't address it.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

turnera said:


> I asked her that and several other things, and she didn't address my post.


I know. She's very selective about which questions to answer which makes me suspect that she's the type to walk around the giant pink elephant in the middle of the room. 

There's more to this story. Unfortunately, nothing positive will happen unless she stops focusing on trying to keep this man from leaving. That ship left the dock and she needs to get back to being a mother.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kettlebelle said:


> .
> 
> This past Friday I realized we hadn't had sex in a week. So I asked him why. He said he has just not had a sex drive bc he has been so unhappy with himself, his life, his job. I said, I am a young woman and need sex. What kind of 38 year old man doesn't have a sex drive!! There has to be another woman! Who is it! He of course said I didn't trust him. I told him I almost packed my bags the following week and took my kids and left him. And that if it doesn't change he will need to leave. He said a few more hurtful things which led to me telling him I am done with him.


This was a horrible thing to say to him, especially after only a WEEK?? What a terrible approach. This is something he is very likely to never recover from. This was demanding, emasculating, entitled and just plain b!tchy. Posters here would have jumped ALL OVER a man for coming at his wife in this way. 

He needs to come up with a better approach about your weight/appearance, and YOU need to come up with a gentler approach about sexual needs.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> No, my daughter attempted suicide bc she had extreme anxiety and depression. He felt upset bc she identified in therapy that he makes her nervous bc he is more strict than I am and that she doesn't want to have to interact with him. She has always had a hard time connecting with people. She is my top priority. She now worries about him not being there for us since he has always maintained the house and such.


OP hasn't been back for two days and I'm very worried about her daughter. No 15 year old says, "I'm worried about my step-dad not being there for us" especially if she is not fond of him. Unless the step-dad told her, "If I leave there will be nobody to take care of your mother and the house". I can only think of one scenario where such a conversation would take place between a step-father and a step-daughter. 

He was resisting divorce until the daughter starts talking to a therapist and now HE wants to bail. Coincidence?

That's the only dot I can connect regarding the daughter's suicide attempt. Call me crazy. I certainly hope I'm over-thinking this.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kettlebelle You put on weight as the result of an accident.

And your husband can't cope with this.

If you had lost a leg or an arm, for example, would he still be so horrible?

I fear he might.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kettlebelle said:


> Valid points. Can't swim bc I wear patches. I do ride my bike and walk, but I don't lift anymore. Why? because I am having back surgery early next year and am always in pain. You're right about the "unless I lose the weight". I don't want to be in a relationship where I am going to lose them because of physical appearances, but like i said, it was a legitimate point for him and I shouldn't have kept telling him to leave.


Anyone who [has not had] chronic back pain cannot understand how debilitating it is.

When your back goes out, you are done. The pain is excruciating. And pain is the only thing on your mind.

Luckily, modern medicine has come a long way in repairing the spine, the disks and impinged nerves. Often, they need only to make a small incision. In my case they cut laterally 10 inches, or so, through the muscle and nerves.

Having back issues is more the reason to lose weight. I do not know many people who could comfortably wear a 75 lb. backpack all day, every day.

You are needlessly stressing yourself.

If you maintain this high weight, your knees, hips and ankles will prematurely wear out, also.

Diabetes? Yes, that too.

Just saying.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> OP hasn't been back for two days and I'm very worried about her daughter. No 15 year old says, "I'm worried about my step-dad not being there for us" especially if she is not fond of him. Unless the step-dad told her, "If I leave there will be nobody to take care of your mother and the house". I can only think of one scenario where such a conversation would take place between a step-father and a step-daughter.
> 
> He was resisting divorce until the daughter starts talking to a therapist and now HE wants to bail. Coincidence?
> 
> That's the only dot I can connect regarding the daughter's suicide attempt. Call me crazy. I certainly hope I'm over-thinking this.


Lets not convict the guy just yet.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP How is it going?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Lila said:


> No where did I suggest that the weight gain was not a concern. What I did suggest is that she stay away from men who put an extraordinary amount of focus on outward appearances.....just as I would recommend a man to seek a ltr with a women who cares more about him than his money.


From what the OP posted, I don't think it was as simple as "put and extraordinary amount of focus on outward appearance". After all, OP admitted in her earlier posts that BEFORE he ever brought up leaving, she told him REPEATEDLY on multiple occasions basically, "if you don't like my weight you can leave".

To me, that sends a message that "what you need/want in an attractive wife is not important to me." She never even made an honest effort, it seems. That seems very disrespectful to your husband. Having her lose weight does make her more attractive, but is also better for her health. 75 lbs is not trivial.

How many times can a spouse hear that their needs don't matter? Or be shown that their spouse is no longer making the effort?

I remember a poll/question a while back here in TAM which asked something to the effect of "does your spouse have the right to demand that you keep yourself attractive?". My response, and the principle which I think applies here, was something like, "No, but you have a RESPONSIBILITY to keep yourself as attractive as possible for your spouse." And in this case, she was shirking her responsibility. And that sends a message about what she considers his value to her....not worth making the effort. I think that kind of environment undermines the relationship.

How many times in TAM do we hear of cheaters suddenly hitting the gym, dressing nice, all for their affair partners, while they were previously a schlub for their spouses? If you're motivated, you make the effort. She showed she wasn't motivated, DESPITE the repeated pleas from her spouse.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> From what the OP posted, I don't think it was as simple as "put and extraordinary amount of focus on outward appearance". After all, OP admitted in her earlier posts that BEFORE he ever brought up leaving, she told him REPEATEDLY on multiple occasions basically, "if you don't like my weight you can leave".
> 
> *To me, that sends a message that "what you need/want in an attractive wife is not important to me."* She never even made an honest effort, it seems. That seems very disrespectful to your husband. Having her lose weight does make her more attractive, but is also better for her health. 75 lbs is not trivial.


OP said *she stopped working out after injuring her back in a car accident* about 2 years ago. In her OP she also stated


> about a year ago he brought up that I needed to begin exercising again because *I was a "trophy wife" when he married me, and now I had let myself go*.......At the time he brought it up I was so hurt. I actually told him if he couldn't accept me then he could get out.


He then brought her weight up again at the most inopportune moment.



> The beginning of 2016 *my 15-year old daughter was hospitalized with a suicide attempt*.......When coming home from a visitation with my daughter he told me he really wanted me to start focusing on my health and exercising. Again, I got so angry. As I'm dealing with my child he is worried about my looks! I told him to get out and leave! Go! Get another trophy wife!


To me it sounds like OP's husband has very little empathy for anyone else and is solely focused on what HE wants....a Trophy Wife. 





Wolfman1968 said:


> How many times can a spouse hear that their needs don't matter? Or be shown that their spouse is no longer making the effort?


I completely agree with you here. How many times does OP have to hear that her needs don't matter? See how that works. 



Wolfman1968 said:


> I remember a poll/question a while back here in TAM which asked something to the effect of "does your spouse have the right to demand that you keep yourself attractive?". My response, and the principle which I think applies here, was something like, "No, but you have a RESPONSIBILITY to keep yourself as attractive as possible for your spouse." And in this case, she was shirking her responsibility. And that sends a message about what she considers his value to her....not worth making the effort. I think that kind of environment undermines the relationship.


Some may view the OP as selfish for not working off the 75 lbs regardless of the other issues going on around her but I think a little empathy from her husband would go a looooonnnggg way to making that happen. How do I know this? I was OP last year. 

I injured my spine about 15 years ago, requiring 3 back surgeries in 10 years. The last two were in 2014 and were conducted 5 days apart. Needless to say, recovery was not easy. I, like OP, worked out religiously but stopped, first due to the back pain and then post surgeries. Thankfully my husband is not a trophy hunter. He was more worried about my suffering than my weight gain. By the time I returned to the gym 14 months later, I had gained close to 30 lbs/12% body fat and peaked out at 202 lbs. It's taken _a year_ to lose the 30 lbs but I'm now dealing back issues again. Thankfully, my husband is again more concerned with me healing my back than showing up at the gym to workout.

I'm sharing my personal story as an example of where 'keeping oneself attractive' is prioritized for the average spouse when there are other issues going on around you. It is _completely _different than 'keeping oneself attractive' for a Trophy Hunter. OP's husband is in the latter category. Not good husband material, IMO.



Wolfman1968 said:


> How many times in TAM do we hear of cheaters suddenly hitting the gym, dressing nice, all for their affair partners, while they were previously a schlub for their spouses? If you're motivated, you make the effort. She showed she wasn't motivated, DESPITE the repeated pleas from her spouse.


I think people prioritize responsibilities in marriage differently. For me personal and family health take priority over being a trophy wife. In the OP's case, her husband's priorities are 'trophy wife' then her health (back) and family health (daughter's mental health). I too would have shown him the door if had my husband prioritized my weight gain over my injuries.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lila said:


> OP said *she stopped working out after injuring her back in a car accident* about 2 years ago. In her OP she also stated
> 
> He then brought her weight up again at the most inopportune moment.
> 
> ...


Outstanding post, Lila.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lila said:


> OP said *she stopped working out after injuring her back in a car accident* about 2 years ago. In her OP she also stated
> 
> He then brought her weight up again at the most inopportune moment.
> 
> ...



You're basically projecting your situation into her post. If he didn't use the word trophy and said, you used to be into being in shape, there wouldn't be this backlash. Wanting your spouse to try to be attractive for you don't make you shallow or a monster. 

When it the opportune time to tell you wife that she needs to lose weight?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

sokillme said:


> You're basically projecting your situation into her post. If he didn't use the word trophy and said, you used to be into being in shape, there wouldn't be this backlash. *Wanting your spouse to try to be attractive for you don't make you shallow or a monster. *


Of course wanting an attractive spouse doesn't make you a monster but marrying a trophy hunter makes you an idiot. I hope OP learns from her mistake.



sokillme said:


> When it the opportune time to tell you wife that she needs to lose weight?


When she's not dealing with injuries or a suicidal child who's currently hospitalized for attempting such. Timing is everything. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kettle, how are things going?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Lila said:


> OP said *she stopped working out after injuring her back in a car accident* about 2 years ago. In her OP she also stated
> 
> He then brought her weight up again at the most inopportune moment.
> 
> ...


Actually, I agree with sokillme. It does sound like projection. Because the OP's own words do not agree with your assessment.

Her husband saying that she was a "trophy wife" at one time doesn't mean he demands her only to be one. It comes off to me that he was complimenting her on how she was before, and reminding her of what she was capable of. I see where she screams at him "go find another trophy wife", but I don't see where HE says he will only be happy with a trophy wife. OP's very words: "He maintained that he wished I'd work out but that he still found me to be beautiful." As already posted by many, it is not unreasonable to express your desire to have your spouse keep themselves attractive AND healthy. 

She relates other instances in which she tells him to get out, or that she will pack her bags. Yes, she correlates it to a bad time in her life dealing with her daughter's hospitalizations/suicide attempt, BUT OP herself states that it was an ongoing process since the beginnig of the year with repeated hospitalizations. That would mean that essentially the whole year is full of her daughter's crisis. Her hospitalization is not an isolated event, but rather a dysfunctional chronic baseline, so ANY time he would bring up her weight it would be around a crisis. The whole year can't be off limits; in fact, if she is focused on her daughter, she is more likely to neglect her own health, to her own detriment. OP's own description says his statement is one of health concern, not "trophy wife". OP states: "he told me he really wanted me to start focusing on my health and exercising". That is not unreasonable at all. In fact, as I work on a daily basis with doctors/nurses/health care providers I know first hand that they will remind a family member of a patient with a serious disease (cancer, severe heart disease, etc.) to also take care of themselves, exercise, etc. In fact, they often suggest excercise as a way to work out stress. Again, I don't see this as being selfish at all. However, in response, she immediately turns around and accuses him of having an affair because their sex life is down.

It is the OP that is constantly threatening to end the marriage. In fact, she herself describes her husband's desire to finally leave as "calling my bluff."

So instead of a selfish husband, I see this a a situation with the OP who indeed has a daughter in crisis, but who exacerbates the situation with drama, and has become verbally and mentally abusive to her husband. In fact, the OP herself seems to agree with my viewpoint, rather than yours. The OP herself says: "Through the day yesterday I kept asking God to tell me what to do. To get me through. He told me I needed to look at myself. I heard it so clearly. For the things God revealed to me about myself. That I lack patience. I'm never satisfied. I want everything on MY timeline. I dictate to my spouse about his goals instead of standing quietly by and supporting. And this was the part that stung. It felt like a punch in the gut. He told me that I have let my health go and that my husband agonized over telling me".

Whether you believe the OP received a divine answer or merely came to self-realization, she clearly agrees with that assessment.

So actually, instead of the OP being better off without the husband, it may be that he is better off without her. This is not to bash the OP, but rather to help her for her own improvement, which she herself desires---she states in the end that she "needs to work on ME".


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> So actually, instead of the OP being better off without the husband, it may be that he is better off without her. This is not to bash the OP, but rather to help her for her own improvement, which she herself desires---she states in the end that she "needs to work on ME".


My story was not a projection but rather an example of a non trophy hunting man who is capable of empathy. And no, he's not a unicorn or unusual. He's just a good man, one of many I know in real life. 

As I've said previously, I actually agree that OP is better off without her husband. Where I disagree is painting OP's husband as an innocent paragon of virtue who's only crime was to ask his wife to lose the weight. 






Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The fact that OP has not responded seems kind of ominous. I hope we were all wrong about her husband and her daughters troubles.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

sokillme said:


> The fact that OP has not responded seems kind of ominous. I hope we were all wrong about her husband and her daughters troubles.


I was concerned about this all weekend.


----------

