# Newborn arrival and in-laws moving in for +8 weeks



## Worried

My wife and I are from different cultural backgrounds. We are expecting our first child and are looking very much forward to becoming parents. The problem is that where my wife is from it is custom for the girl's parents to move in for an extended period of time (+2 months), to help their daughter get accustomed to having a new born baby. My wife is worried that she may not cope without her parent’s help. I am in turn from a culture where this is unheard of and where it is regarded as an intrusion into one’s privacy to have guests stay for such an extended period of time. I have tried numerous times to reason with my wife and with her parents and asked them to respect my culture and my uneasiness about having visitors over for such a lengthy period of time. I have tried to explain that this is nothing personal, and that I would not want my own parents to move in with us for so long. Also, it is my believe that this time is special for a young family in terms of intimacy and closeness. Having long term guests around, no matter how good their intention may be, is obstructing the important bonding process. However, knowing how important all this is to my wife (and to her parents) I have proposed a compromise. I suggested to limit their stay to 2 weeks. Sadly this was dismissed with force and I was blamed for being selfish. The fact that my wife’s parents don't live in the same country makes this very tricky. Obviously I don’t want my wife to take off with our newborn for 2 months to move in with her parents while I stay back. Basically we have reached the end of the road it seems. My wife is now threatening to end our marriage over this if I don't concede and I know that this is not an empty threat. For her, her parents come first and everyone else is second. Now, we love each other tremendously and I don't want to loose my wife over this. But I also don't want to undermine my need for privacy, for my own well being. In a way I sense that if I give in now I will see my in-laws expecting similar lengthy visits in the years to come. Now my question: am I just selfish or am I right in insisting on them respecting my needs, even if these needs sound absolutely incomprehensible and selfish to other cultures? And do you have any suggestions what I can do to turn this situation around?


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## amberlynn

you are right for wanting your space. New parents need their time to bond with their child, and Ive been in your shoes, the only difference, i was living with my in-laws when i had my baby. They wanted to do everything and told me everything i was doin wrong. My baby had to wear what they wanted him to wear. Im not sure what to tell you..her parents should have enough respect for you not to move in for 2 months. Have you tried asking them not to stay with you, but at a motel of some sort? Its going to be a hassle and your buttons are gonna be pushed, I wish you the best with your new bundle of joy.


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## justean

i have heard of this in some cultures and the majority that i know this happened to, it wasnt an issue, because as you say, its her cultural values. 
your not selfish, you just have different ideas. 8 weeks doesnt seem to bad, if you break it up. 
only suggestions, but turn it around as if it were your long term holiday. if you had family you could stay with, wouldnt u want to be with them. 
they are only doing the same for their daughter. trust me, its hard having your first baby. as long as her rels are respectful to your feelings, then your already breaking down barriers. establish some ground rules with your wife.
trust me, i have 2 children and when my first was born, i was very greatful for the input from my in-laws. you wil have time with your wife and trust me, you both need that time to.. 
you and your wife wil be very tired. there is stil washing, etc etc. cooking, cleaning. these are things we take for granted and when taken from you in a positive manner, they are done for reasons to help you both in your future for your child. 
my suggestion, dont fight it, actually go more with it.
when ethan was born, my ma in law took him for the day. i was in bits and he was 3 weeks old. but you know what. it actually felt great. time to myself and have a bath without worry. 
you stil have to think about yourself and its stil nice to be a couple, within a family unit.
8 weeks wil go by quite quickly, when you look back. for me i learnt how to cope and adjust my life as i had help. 
you can stil have time with your wife and child, you wil have much of it after her parents go. remember its their grand child to. 
dont spite yourself, you can only enhance and grow from this and you wil be greatful afterwards. 
try and be more involved in her family. they wil like you more. but ask your wife to ensure your not pushed out and ask her to make a promise - that you have to be together at times without her parents being their 24/ 7 . thats compromise and its also respecting your cultural values.

you dont live with her parents, you have your own scenario.


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## Sensitive

Are you taking paternity leave for the same amount of time? If you are, then it may be overcrowded, but it sounds like your wife needs and wants her parents' help. If you can't stand them, maybe you can move to a house with an in-law suite. It would be rude to ask them to stay in a hotel. Most grandparents aren't going to stop visiting after the new arrival, so you need to adapt.

I couldn't stand my MIL visiting after either of my two babies were born. My culture celebrates the first month birthday as the official coming out party. We threw a fancy multi-course dinner and invited all our relatives and friends to see the baby. This also allowed me adequate time to recover before having any houseguests or unwelcomed visitors.


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## frustratedinphx

I have personally been in your situation except that I was in your wife's shoes. I don't know your exact situation, but I can say mine didn't go well, but not for reasons you'd expect. My husband also came from a background where it is unheard of for any parents to stay with the new family. In my culture (I'm Caribbean), this is just how we do things.

I don't know what your situation is with working (do you work full-time? does she?), but in my situation, both my husband and I work FT and and we already had a 3YO when my parents came to see us. They were supposed to spend a little over 2 weeks with us to help me, look out for my son and help with the things that I physically wouldn't be able to do because of a c-section (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.). I did also have some more help with a nanny, but cooking, cleaning & laundry don't stop on weekends, especially not with a new baby.

To make a long story short, after some fussing and fuming which I believe was mostly as a result of issues between us, my husband had "words" with my parents which led them to believe that A) they had over stayed their welcome and B) they were intruding in his space. The net result of that was my parents moving to a hotel for a night before their scheduled flight and me having to pick up the slack because my husband isn't as helpful around the house as he'd like to think he is. To this day, it has created a giant wedge between my husband and my parents, my husband and me and even my husband's parents and me. It's has been a colossal nightmare.

If I had to do it again here's what I would do. Set some expectations for everyone. What does your wife expect that her parents do or that you do during the time they stay? What do you expect your wife and her parents do? As long as you are on the same page, I think you'll do OK. Set boundaries and limitations- like if you don't want her parents to interject their wisdom, explain to her how you feel and either she or the two of you talk to them together about it. At the end of the day, regardless of how you feel they ARE her parents. My husband didn't really catch the importance of this.

I've had other friends who are not from a culturally diverse background do this and everything work out perfectly. In fact, her husband and mother got even closer. I think it all has to do with managing expectations. Just because it's not the way you were raised doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it. And there is nothing wrong with you wanting your space BUT you both have to agree to some compromise to make sure both your needs are met.

Good luck!


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## Sandy55

Tend to agree with Frustrated :smthumbup:

As an BSNRN we were required to take a whole semester of Cultural Sensitivity Nursing - and customs of birth, death, etc were studied in DEPTH...I mean depth.

There are some really "interesting"  culture customs out there and the things they see as "normal" and even absolutely necessary for "welcoming" a new baby into a family are very interesting.

For example: Some cultures INSIST on burying the umbilical cord under a certain tree and if that isn't done, the child is doomed, they believe.

Well. Your wife is probably the one who is going to be most needing of her parents; SHE is going to be the most tired and stressed of you both. I am not saying you are not important and your needs are LESS important, but in reality she is going to be going through a lot physically and emotionally. 

Try to look at it in a positive way: It will be great to have them around to help cook meals, keep the baby quiet, and let you two get some SLEEP. This is your first child, don't focus on her parents, but the wellness of your baby and that outcome.

If you implement some of the things that Frustrated suggested in her post regarding "EXPECTATIONS" I think you will come out ahead. I would discuss expectations with your wife, write down who is going to be expected to do what and then sit back...her parents may treat you like a king, and her mother may expect you to just relax and let her wait on you. Her mother is there to take stress of her daughter and in many cultures that means the mother is there to wait on YOU as well as her daughter.

Good luck..I think it is wonderful they are coming from another country. I had a friend who was Chinese and her mother could not come because the husband insisted they were not needed;
both women are still mad at him and that was three years ago!


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## MrsSchaffer

Your wife should be willing to compromise. If she is willing to end your marriage over something so stupid she isn't worth it, regardless of culture. It is your house, if you don't want them there, don't have them there. It is a huge bonding time and they need to respect that. She needs her parents, yes. However, she needs to think of you as well. It is your space and she shouldn't go based on the assumption that you are not gong to be helpful. 
You guys really should have thought about this and worked it out before you decided to get married/have kids. Cultural differences are hard, and something that should be worked out in advance. 
You don't want to upset your wife, but you do need to stand your ground. It's up to you on how you handle it.


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## Sandy55

This issue is not "stupid", it is her culture, her belief system; it is her parents belief system, not just a whim of their's wanting to come and stay. It will make or break harmony and happiness in the future. You can make major points with her parents (and your wife) if you do the compromising on this one.


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## They Call Me Smooth

Sandy55 said:


> This issue is not "stupid", it is her culture, her belief system; it is her parents belief system, not just a whim of their's wanting to come and stay. It will make or break harmony and happiness in the future. You can make major points with her parents (and your wife) if you do the compromising on this one.


She willingly married someone who did not share the same culture/beliefs she did. With that she took on the idea of compromise as did he. I'm a firm believer that in-laws shouldn't stay for extended time because they tend to forget their place in the relationship. As said about what turned from a small thing into a big thing. Sadly the women above blames her husband for these issues and doesn't except any blame herself. Sure he might have handled it badly but at the same time SHE put him in a situation that he didn't feel comfortable in. 

Now to the OP I think 2 weeks might be a little short. So rather then turn something small into something big just come to some kind of agreement everyone can live with. Lay down ground rules so there is no "Well I didn't know" later. Let them visit for one month. Two weeks living with you guys and two weeks living in a hotel. Let them know you are willing to listen to them but in the end you and your wife are the parents and have the final say. I think a little big of talking before hand can go a long way here. As I said above, you married this woman fully knowing there were differences, you can't just walk away from that and say your way or the high way. And neither can she. Talk to her parents and explain your side and your ideas and come up with a plan that works for everyone.

And lastly, no matter what her parents are going to do something to piss you off. They are in-laws and thats what they do. Just grin and deal with it. 1 or 2 months out of the life time of your baby isn't that big of a deal.


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## preso

If it were me, I'd welcome the help with the baby, no matter what culture. New mom is going to tired and the help she gets will help her avoid things like depression and fatigue.
Some people pay good money for help with a newborn !!!!


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## rajantonyv

I would agree with frustrated in terms of setting expectations, if your wife really want her parents there. Now going through a situation where my (husband) parents stayed with us for an extended period of time, it was a disaster. I would not recommend doing that to anyone. Yes, new born is tough (especially in our case, it was twins), it is worth it in the long run for the entire family to not have visitors for long time. Regardless how good the intentions and your father in law could be St.Peter, they are going to get on your nerves and it will ruin your relationship. Now is there is strain between you and them, make sure you handle it before it strains you and your wife's relationship... Best of luck!!!!


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## jamie31709

i have a 4 month old so i know the fear that she is feeling of whether or not shes gonna be able to handle it on her own or if shes gonna panic and not feed him enough or when is she going to sleep....exc... so i know how she feels but i also think its wrong of her to completely disregaurd your feelings on the matter.i had my fiances mom stay the wk end when brody was about 2 wks and wanted to pull my hair out because it didnt matter what i was doing it was wrong!! and she added 100x more stress!! i would strongly suggest not having them there having a baby is wonderful but its also a stressful transition waking up every 2 hours and learning to share the responsibility of a little baby.that stress alone has torn a great deal of couples apart add ur in laws to the mix and your sure to be going insane!!good luck


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