# where to go from here??



## hard2bhappy (Dec 28, 2011)

I have been married 17.5 yrs and together 20. My husband has verbal abuse issues and serious anger management issues. We have had problems throughout our 20 yrs. I had an affair with his x-best friend about 15yrs. ago. I came clean about it with him way back then. I think i did it to "wake him up". As crazy as it sounds we probably wouldn't be together if it hadn't happened. For a long time things got better. Then good a while and back to same old problems. My husband is very jealous and was before the affair. He blames it on the affair and still throws it in my face often. We have seperated 2x's before my child was born she's now 14. 

I still love him but don't think i'm in love with him. We don't have much of anything in common anymore. We can't agree on anything even how to raise our child. He's very jealous. We have no friends because he's afraid of me cheating. He can't stand most of my family parents, Brother. I don't have anymore friends. I'm not allowed to do anything with them anyway!! Well I can but I'll pay later!! He's always angry and miserably unhappy(always someone else's fault). I suggested meds and drs. He agree's but never follows through. Same with counseling but he doesn't believe in it!! I'm just not happy and haven't been for some time. My daughter knows this. He's very hard on her at times also but she doesn't want us to leave him or ask him to leave. She see's me cry often. I hate it for her. Worst of all i see some of his qualities in her now and that terrifies me. 

I feel we bring out the worst in each other. I sometimes tell him this, guess he thinks it's normal to fight and disagree like we do because i've always put up with it. I'm just tired and worn down. I'm tired of being on pins and needles about his temper. I'm tired of crying and being upset all the time. Tired of being accused of flirting with anything that has a ____!!

I'm not sure my heart is in it anymore and don't know if any kind of counseling will work because of me. I don't have passion or desire for him anymore. Sex is only to appease him. I never initiate it anymore just particiate to keep for being made to feel guilty or holding out on him.

My daughter leaves in 3 yrs. and part of me feels i should just stay until then since i've sucked it up all these yrs.?? I'm just not sure we can safely stay together 3 more yrs. Oh I am financially dependent on him(way he want's it). I can't work because i may meet someone and leave him! Feel like i'm going crazy in my own hell. Sorry such a long post and i didn't touch on half of it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he hit your, push you or use any other kind of physical abuse? How about with your daughter?


----------



## hard2bhappy (Dec 28, 2011)

No physical abuse to either of us. He just breaks things, throws things. I'm kinda afraid it might eventually because i'm getting worse at controlling my temper when it comes to him.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hard2bhappy said:


> No physical abuse to either of us. He just breaks things, throws things. I'm kinda afraid it might eventually because i'm getting worse at controlling my temper when it comes to him.


Throwing things is a message.. the message is 'this could be you'. It's a real threat of physical abuse. 

Please find a domestic violence center near you and talk to them. They can provide you with counseling. You need an exit plan for if/when things get worse.


----------



## hard2bhappy (Dec 28, 2011)

Thanks. I'm thinking when he knows it's really over that's when he may get physical or worse somehow use my daughter to hurt me. I fear leaving him. A plan, I do need.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at this link. It talks about cases where the woman is battered. While you have not, what is going on with you has the same pattern... and the threat of violence is there.

this site talks about an exit plan and an evaluation of the situation

Domestic Violence

Another one...

http://www.ernestines.ca/emergency/exit/index.html


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How are finances handled in your household? Does your husband handle/control everything? Is there a joint account? Who does the grocery shopping? Are you allowed to grocery shopping, to places like Target without your husband?

Do you know what your assets, liabilities, income and expenses are? Do you have access to all of the paperwork for all of these?

Do you have access to the bank accounts? Are they joint? Does he have his own accounts in his own name? Do you?


----------



## hard2bhappy (Dec 28, 2011)

I handle all money(accept 100 he keeps weekly). One account in my name one in his. i'm getting ready to close mine and be added to his so we have 1 joint account. I do all shopping by myself. He lets me control most of finances and bills. He never gets on me about what i spend or how i spend it. I have access to everything.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hard2bhappy said:


> I handle all money(accept 100 he keeps weekly). One account in my name one in his. i'm getting ready to close mine and be added to his so we have 1 joint account. I do all shopping by myself. He lets me control most of finances and bills. He never gets on me about what i spend or how i spend it. I have access to everything.


If you think that you are going to leave him, do not close your personal account. You will need.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hard2bhappy,

Check your private messages.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I find this rather surprising. He doesnt trust you with others but trusts you with money. In so much that he trusts you with all his money.


----------

