# Finding self



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Manning up is all about fidning yourself. The real you.

I have spent so much of my life being the guy people wanted to be, whether that means friends family wife, or whoever. Ive got a different sock for each of those groups.

Im sick of it. I have done a lot of reflecting as of late. I dont know who I am. 

Re-reading some of my old posts here even, I have discovered that from time to time I embelish, or outright lie. I do this for acceptance and validation. I see that "playing the part" doesnt actually give me what I want. So I try harder, and find that I am even further from the prize.
The posts I am most happy with are the ones where I dont seek anything from anyone, I want nothing other than to give. These posts are generally received better than the others

I take note that when I am myself, my true self, Im f*cking awesome! True story. 
But most of the time I am my very own puppet with poor results.

I feel empty. a void, nothingness. 

Its like staring at a silhouette. The shape is familiar, the word is on the tip of your tongue, but you just cant get a clear picture of what it really is. This is the emptiness inside me.

I dont know who I am anymore. Its been a very long time since I have been me. Just a recovering Nice Guy. 

I can no longer be who my wife wants me to be. 
I cant be who my mom wants me to be. 
I cant be who my dad wants me to be. 
I cant be who my in-laws want me to be.
I cant be who my friends want to be.

I truly just want to be me. This is the source of my unhappiness, and ultimately what led to a sexless marriage.

In reading NMMNG, I have gotten to the section speaking about selfishness and putting yourself first. 

For many many many years I tell people, "I dont want anything. I dont need anything. Dont worry about a christmas/ birthday/etc. present."

I still dont feel like I want anything. But Im starting to feel like I deserve stuff. Good stuff. Problem is I dont know myself well enough to know what I want.




So, recovering nice guy reading my post, how did you find yourself?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

I'm still a recovering "Nice Guy" and I'm finding that breaking out of that mold is difficult but not impossible. 

I've found lately that the image I thought my wife, parents, friends etc. wanted is not the real truth. Much of it was just made up crap of what I thought they wanted. 

I'm also finding that just being myself and more importantly holding myself accountable to ME is making my life so much easier all around. 

Case in point - I used to cave in and not go work out regularly. Wife used to fit test me about it, guilt trip me into not going - telling me crap like oh sure leave me with the kids, dogs, dishes, laundry or whatever. She does that now and I just look at her and smile saying nothing except maybe - see you later when I get back and just walk out the door. 

I come back afterwards and she is sweet as pie! It sure beats me caving in to her guilting me and me resenting her for it. 

Work is so much easier now too! I am more apt to think about what I want now before just saying yes to anyone just to be a nice guy. I've found it's ok to say No to things that don't fit or I know I could do but would stretch my to my limits of capacity.

I'm doing better with public recognition and dammit - I'm looking for people to recognize use my contributions. I want my birthday celebrated. I want want a Christmas Gift!

I'm definitely more confident and calm and collected in my dealings with everyone now. I'm having fun with it now too because I'm finding people actually gravitate towards that Alpha trait. It doesn't mean I'm out there pounding my chest or threatening to beat the crap out of people - but it's really cool how many people recognize the changes and make mention of it. 

I've found that a couple of books recommended by other gurus here have helped so much in breaking out - No More Mr. Nice Guy and Hold Onto Your Nuts. 

The Men's Clubhouse here is also a great resource. Thanks to Deejo, Mem, Big Bad Wolf, Atholk and AFEH just to name a few.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Sockmoppet,

Did you suffer physical or emotional abuse as a kid? Felt the need to please for acceptance and or survival?

Just curious. 

I was so where you are. The journey is awesome! And it never stops.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wtf? Stupid autocorrect. Who would even guess Sockmoppet would be in a dictionary!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SockPuppet you have multiple personas. A persona is “_the particular type of character that a person seems to have, which is often different from their real or private character_”. In essence you are somewhat of a different person depending on who you are talking with, or the role you are playing depending on what you are doing. 

This often leads to an identity crisis. The WHO AM I? I recognised I was having one when paying for groceries. It was as though the young woman taking the money couldn’t see me, like I was a piece of glass and all she could see was what was behind me. It was really weird but at least I knew then I had a problem. I had to “recover my identity”. I then understood what the phrase “I think therefore I am” really meant. It was about the only way I knew I existed, because I could think and it was me doing the thinking. I was really blessed. I had time, money and loads of photographs from way back when. Plus I had 30 or undeveloped films from 25 years back and they processed ok. I bought a scanner and spent weeks scanning them all in. In that way I was able to see where I’d been, what I’d done and rebuild my identity.

I think this sort of thing happens to a person who is very extroverted, very “out there”. I don’t know for sure but I don’t think this sort of thing happens to introverts as they have such a very strong, permanent internal structure of their world, a strong sense of identity. Whereas an extrovert’s “world structure” is out in the big wide world. For me it was a case of “pulling myself back in”. A regrouping or reclaiming of my identity if you like. I saw it as my “internal journey” and my goal was to make myself more introverted. On previous tests I’d came out as 95% extroverted! My stbxw was the opposite, 95% introverted, my younger 50/50 and my elder son 80% extroverted.

I think I got a lot of my extroversion, or way of thinking from my father. There was rarely enough food on the table and when I asked for more I got the reply “Think of the starving in India”. So in some crazy way I learnt to put others essential needs like food before my own. We were a very poor family. My younger son who complains bitterly about me as a father just hasn’t a clue. He was always well fed, well dressed and well taken care of. He doesn’t know where I started from, perhaps I should tell him.

I found Christianity to be an extroverted religion, or at least the parts of it I’d embodied in my life. I’m not knocking it though. I started learning about Buddhism and I liked the “way of life” it guides you towards and I practice it somewhat. I like the “Don’t preach, just be”, “inner garden” and “interdependencies” aspects of Buddhism. The book Awareness is written by Anthony de Mello, he bridges Western and Eastern aspects of spirituality/culture/ways of life. Then I started building my own internal structure and taking care of my spirit and my soul which I’d seriously neglected for a long time.

I hope this somehow helps.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife created a monster. She already resented the fact that my assertiveness opened up a lot of opportunities to me in life. Now I feel 10x as powerful as I used to, and it's going to be an issue b/c through this she realized that in a way she has felt inadequate by my side (it's strange...because we both have benefited from the things in life that have come easy to me). I'm not sure if I can dial down just 'being me' for her sake...I'm moving in the other direction and have realized that life is short and you should celebrate your talents, not suppress them.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I just want to thank you gentlemen for having the courage to share this kind of stuff. Reading it makes me a more empathetic, understanding, appreciative, and less selfish wife. Ive noticed the changes in my own marriage derived directly from the changes in my own thoughts, feelings, expectations, and behaviors from reading this forum. And I simply thank you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Recovering Nice Girl here. I tend to catch myself when I start worrying about loss of affection due to me doing what I need to do to take care of myself and my life. It is really difficult to put oneself first but it can and does become a habit and it makes relationships better in the long run. Much more satisfying and secure than being a doormat, when nobody has asked you to be a doormat in the first place (unless you chose someone who would do that, or created someone like that via interpersonal relationship style/habits). 

Anyway, my son didn't get work study and has too much time on his hands and I told him, well, for whatever reason that happened (he claimed he submitted paperwork) now you have a lot of free time so you can find out what you will do with and for yourself by inclination rather than by need. ANYONE can go to a job or a class or whatever because they HAVE to, but what will you do when you don't HAVE to do anything? I told him to find out, whatever it takes, walking around aimlessly, following his inclination, finding a dream job even if he works for free (he is a college student and will not starve or go homeless due to lack of job for a semester or two). I think it is a habit to just do stuff that you have to do or that you think will lead somewhere in the future, but to be present in your own life, for yourself, that is a gift. Ideally your family/parents/elders give it to you when you are young...by not putting silly expectations on you but by encouraging you to express yourself constructively towards a functional and responsibly but fulfilling adult life. If it is not given to you then you have to give it to yourself, even if you feel selfish, it is still a gift to others in the long run. Doing otherwise is like lying. I mean, sure, if you have to have a crummy job to feed your kids then that is one thing, but I hope people understand what I am talking about is a situation where you are working 80 hours a week to fund someone else's escape mechanisms or stuff that literally sucks the life blood out of you and for benefits that are unclear if non-existent.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

janesmith said:


> I just want to thank you gentlemen for having the courage to share this kind of stuff. Reading it makes me a more empathetic, understanding, appreciative, and less selfish wife. Ive noticed the changes in my own marriage derived directly from the changes in my own thoughts, feelings, expectations, and behaviors from reading this forum. And I simply thank you.


your welcome:smthumbup:



Powerbane said:


> I'm still a recovering "Nice Guy" and I'm finding that breaking out of that mold is difficult but not impossible.
> _Posted via magic kittens_


This makes me wonder. I have several ‘molds’ in my collection. For the Wife, friends, family, job, gym, etc. It sounds a lot like what AFEH says with the multiple persona. I will have to do research on that. 

As far as the molds though, I have been thinking a lot about it. What if there is no mold. I create these, thinking this is how certain people want me to be, or more accurately, how I view others viewing me. I am much to meticulous and critical to fit these molds. I think I need to be like water, and forget the mold, *stop trying to be and just be. *




alphaomega said:


> Sockmoppet,
> 
> Did you suffer physical or emotional abuse as a kid? Felt the need to please for acceptance and or survival?
> 
> ...


Growing up my father was a workaholic, only memories I have of him would involve the very rare weekend camping or skiing trip. My mother was leading a double life, starting an affair when I was 3-5 (everything came to light 14 years into the affair) so mommy didn’t have much time for the kids.

As a child I could have misinterpreted this as a lack of acceptance on my parents part. Im sure my multiple persona, as AFEH puts it, could be a poor childs survival mechanism.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Of course it is. You probably craved affection as a kid and didn't get any. This stuff leaves scars. 

My PAggressiveness manifested itself in my youth. I couldnt hit my parents back, so I punished them with my anger and silence. 

It sounds like your on a good path to self reflection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Ama said:


> Being a 'nice guy' is not so difficult if you really understand the thoughts, feelings & wishes of your lady.


True. But first I need to understand myself.



alphaomega said:


> Of course it is. You probably craved affection as a kid and didn't get any. This stuff leaves scars.
> 
> My PAggressiveness manifested itself in my youth. I couldnt hit my parents back, so I punished them with my anger and silence.
> 
> ...


That made me laugh. Because I craved attention as a kid I got into the mindset that I dont need/want anything, ever. Children do crazy things.

I also realized the term passive aggressive isnt as straight forward as I had always thought. I have serious PA issues, but now that I am aware I can work through them.

But your right Alpha, the journey is great, and it is its own reward.


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