# Divorce after ten years, wife at mental rehab



## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

Hi everyone, a little over two months ago my wife brought up getting a divorce. A couple days after I was asking about going to marriage counseling, later that night she went out and had a one night stand with "someone her friend knew". She told me the next day said she was drunk, high and mad at me, the following two days she was crying and telling me she wants to kill herself and will do anything to stay together. She has been at a mental health rehab in Florida for a month and two weeks, I receive a phone call once a week for about 5-10 minutes. She now has no plan on returning home. Says she wants to start over and make it on her own. She told me this place will set her up with a roommate so I don't see how that is making it on her own. I'm 30 she's 28, we have a house and 3 dogs no kids. She has depression and a personality disorder. It is frustrating not being able to talk to her for more than 10 minutes. I feel like this place she is at is trying to get her to stay there for as long as possible for her insurance. I haven't talked to anyone at the facility once. Are they telling her to abandon her responsibilities it feels like im in the twilight zone and I don't know what to do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ignoring the ONS for now, when I was deciding where to send my wife there was at least one psychiatric facility that limited contact to one 10-15 minute phone call a week. So that does happen, not that I agree with it. 

It's very common for psychiatric facilities to have new patients/residents go no contact or low contact with their friends and family, BUT that's usually for the first month only. After that, healthy relationships and connections should be encouraged, not discouraged unless absolutely necessary for the patient. Most places do limit phone usage because there are many people there who need to call home, but it shouldn't be 5-10 minutes once a week IMO. 

Granted, there is nothing you can do about that, short of getting her out of there. It seems like she has no interest in that and if so, there is nothing you can do. Is she borderline? 

Can you write to her? You should be able to do that. 

Why haven't you talked to anyone at the facility? Have you called and _tried_ to talk to anyone? They should have services available for families.


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

Yes she is borderline, and yes I've called there and it goes to an automated system which tells you to enter a bunch of different extensions. They all go to voicemail, called them all and left voicemails and they had my wife call me and ask me what I wanted. My wife also doesn't have me on her consent form. Yes I believe I can write to her, are these places allowed to screen or hold mail?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Let her go.


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Let her go.


Thank you devil dog.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Nodsye said:


> Are they telling her to abandon her responsibilities


What do you think her responsibilities are? (noting that she suffers from a serious, life-threatening illness)


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If she doesn’t want to talk to you then you have to accept her decision. And at her request they will screen and even just dump mail from anyone she requests. 
I would also ask you to consider this, could she have already left the rehab facility? Could she have moved in with her “roommate”.
In your shoes I would be thankful that there’s no children involved and I would start divorce proceedings. You can always stop if you want to.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> If she doesn’t want to talk to you then you have to accept her decision. And at her request they will screen and even just dump mail from anyone she requests.
> I would also ask you to consider this, could she have already left the rehab facility? Could she have moved in with her “roommate”.
> In your shoes I would be thankful that there’s no children involved and I would start divorce proceedings. You can always stop if you want to.


I agree. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already left the facility and shacked up with someone. Either way though you're going to need a lawyer to navigate this situation, you should go ahead and find one now.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Nodsye said:


> Yes she is borderline, and yes I've called there and it goes to an automated system which tells you to enter a bunch of different extensions. They all go to voicemail, called them all and left voicemails and they had my wife call me and ask me what I wanted. My wife also doesn't have me on her consent form. Yes I believe I can write to her, are these places allowed to screen or hold mail?


Given the covid situation, it's possible that they are very busy and/or understaffed. 

If your wife doesn't have you on her consent form, doesn't want to talk to you, plans to go "find herself" or otherwise start over, then there really isn't much you can do about it but count your blessings. Being with someone with BPD is extremely difficult, I would explore whether you _really_ want this relationship. Before having kids is the time to figure this out. 

Yes, they can screen and hold mail at their discretion.


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

No she has not left the facility as she is still calling me from the facility number with her counselor in the background. Her responsibilities as in the 3 dogs that we have that she wants back whenever is most convenient for her and the mortgage, car insurance, all the bills that we share m


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Why, I mean why are you hesitating about staying with an mentally ill/unstable person? think about biology and what it would mean if you were to have children with her. That's what you want? the possibility of having children that might inherit her mental illness? I mean are you that desperate, or you do not have much value upon yourself? She cheated on you, and you are still lost not knowing what to do?
Have you not yet consulted with a family lawyer about were you stand on a divorce? 
living with people that suffer with mental illness is one of the hardest thing anyone can do, it can be a downright life sucking experience. Is that what you want? LET HER GO.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Why, I mean why are you hesitating about staying with an mentally ill/unstable person cheater? think about biology and what it would mean if you were to have children with her. That's what you want? the possibility of having children that might inherit her mental illness? I mean are you that desperate, or you do not have much value upon yourself? She cheated on you, and you are still lost not knowing what to do?
> Have you not yet consulted with a family lawyer about were you stand on a divorce?
> living with people that suffer with mental illness is one of the hardest thing anyone can do, it can be a downright life sucking experience. Is that what you want? LET HER GO.


Fify. And no **** about the having children with her. Do a little reading about what it's like to be raised by a bpd mother. Divorce, sell the house to get out from under the mortgage, keep the dogs, and move on with your life with a mentally healthy woman who hasn't cheated on you.


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Why, I mean why are you hesitating about staying with an mentally ill/unstable person? think about biology and what it would mean if you were to have children with her. That's what you want? the possibility of having children that might inherit her mental illness? I mean are you that desperate, or you do not have much value upon yourself? She cheated on you, and you are still lost not knowing what to do?
> Have you not yet consulted with a family lawyer about were you stand on a divorce?
> living with people that suffer with mental illness is one of the hardest thing anyone can do, it can be a downright life sucking experience. Is that what you want? LET HER GO.


Hi rob thanks for your reply. I'm hesitant because I've spent the last 11 years with my wife and even after the one night stand walking away is easier said than done. Her being mentally ill doesn't make her any less deserving of love. I have thought about what that would mean when having children. That is something we would have to consult a doctor about if that time came. It has never been life sucking for me up until this point but I understand your view.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You should read from a biological point of view about "empathy". It's a beneficial trait to humans, but it also could be that you are hyper-empathic. This does not bodes well to an individual's well being in the long run. Mother nature is ruthless, it doesn't care about emotions, feelings. it cares about survival of the fitness. Today's social environment has become very polarized toward toward what's good for the species as a whole: you're either extremely caring (detrimental), or completely lack of empathy, but there's always a percentage of people in the middle. my point is that you are doing a disservice to yourself by sticking (or wanting to stick ) to someone that obviously, regardless of her little regard for you, you want to find a way to make it with her. I think that in her own way she is telling you that that's the best for you. she's having more empathy for you than you for yourself by her telling you that she wants to make it on her own. Accept it.

Accept reality. You're way to young to be living life pinning for something that is not right. Remember, what love got to do with anything in your situation. Just because you love somebody doesn't mean that you should mess up your life. Best wishes for you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife has told you and shown you that she doesn’t want you in her life but you think you know better. Is this a recurring theme in your life/marriage, someone tells you something but you don’t agree so therefore they’re wrong?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nodsye said:


> Hi rob thanks for your reply. I'm hesitant because I've spent the last 11 years with my wife and even after the one night stand walking away is easier said than done. Her being mentally ill doesn't make her any less deserving of love. I have thought about what that would mean when having children. That is something we would have to consult a doctor about if that time came. It has never been life sucking for me up until this point but I understand your view.


 Sir, in sickness and in health. Nowhere in there does it state infidelity as well. Sure, be concerned. Be a friend for now. Consider the D. No children. A life long daily challenge with your W is something you want to take on?


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife has told you and shown you that she doesn’t want you in her life but you think you know better. Is this a recurring theme in your life/marriage, someone tells you something but you don’t agree so therefore they’re wrong?


Do you always give up when things in life get hard? I don't "know better" I just have hope that her feelings may change while away and she has also shown me she does want me in her life.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Listen brother, you really need to get some therapy. Your codependency simply jumps off or the page. 

You really need to understand how unhealthy this relationship had been, and you need understand that you probably don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like. 

You need to get out and move on wife your life. 

Please gets some help to better understand what you are dealing with...


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Listen brother, you really need to get some therapy. Your codependency simply jumps off or the page.
> 
> You really need to understand how unhealthy this relationship had been, and you need understand that you probably don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like.
> 
> ...


I am in therapy thank you for your reply.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Nodsye said:


> Do you always give up when things in life get hard? I don't "know better" I just have hope that her feelings may change while away and she has also shown me she does want me in her life.


Things in your life haven’t gotten hard. Your wife has blew up your marriage and your life but you are looking for any reason under the sun to excuse her behavior. 
Buddy she went out and ****ed a total stranger because she was mad at you for suggesting marriage counseling. What happens when you really have a fight. FFS.
You are now talking about having children with her. Are you nuts!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Nodsye said:


> Hi rob thanks for your reply. I'm hesitant because I've spent the last 11 years with my wife and even after the one night stand walking away is easier said than done. Her being mentally ill doesn't make her any less deserving of love. I have thought about what that would mean when having children. That is something we would have to consult a doctor about if that time came. It has never been life sucking for me up until this point but I understand your view.


The problem is not her being ill; the problem is that you can't cure her. As much as you would like to, the "cure" if there is a cure for her, involves her becoming a different person than the woman you knew. This isn't something where you have some physical ailment that came up out of nowhere, you get it taken care of and you're good as new. She was never good as new. It's possible that the time you spent with her becomes nothing more than an asterisk in her life if she is successfully treated.

The goal of her treatment is not to get the two of you back together. The clinic is looking out for her, not for your marriage. That becomes especially clear when you're not on the consent form. She is moving on. You need to, as others have said, let her go. This is tough to say, but her ONS that set everything in motion may be the best thing to happen to you, because you weren't ready to accept how bad off she is. You still see the act (the ONS) as something to focus on, something to get past, but that's only a manifestation, not the real problem.

You are going to need some really good care yourself. Friends, counseling, a direction forward. I wish you the best. You have one of the toughest roads ahead of you of anyone here, because you're in conflict between wanting the best for her, and wanting to be with her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, you don't HAVE to divorce your wife. You SHOULD investigate that possibility though with a lawyer so that you can get a plan together to handle that if it is the way you go.
She clearly is trying to distance herself from you -- no matter HOW MUCH you love her, you cannot have a marriage with only one person (YOU!) in it. Think about that. You CANNOT "fix" her illness -- that requires professional help for sure. 
I am NOT saying be mean or do things vindictively -- YOU need to get some plans together for all contingencies.


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## Nodsye (Jun 16, 2020)

Thank you all for your advice I'm waiting to hear back from a lawyer.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She spoke of divorce before the ONS right? So divorce is something she has been thinking about, it's very typical of the wants out spouse to have sex with someone, it's a way to break the emotional bonds tying you to the marriage. And now she doesn't have you on her medical consent form, another detachment strategy.

I think you need to realize she is well ahead of you when it comes to ending the marriage, for you it's the beginning, for her it's the end game. Sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cooper said:


> She spoke of divorce before the ONS right? So divorce is something she has been thinking about, it's very typical of the wants out spouse to have sex with someone, it's a way to break the emotional bonds tying you to the marriage. And now she doesn't have you on her medical consent form, another detachment strategy.
> 
> I think you need to realize she is well ahead of you when it comes to ending the marriage, for you it's the beginning, for her it's the end game. Sorry.


It's also a cruel, but sadly common, way of triggering their poor spouse so that they will start the divorce, so they can look clean.


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