# Why Cheating Didnt Work



## solvednothing (Jan 31, 2014)

As a WS/BS, I feel compelled to express why having an affair was the worst possible route for me to take when I was deeply unhappy in my marriage. 

First of all I risked everything, including my relationship with my children and our standing in the community. Second of all, I ruined the platonic friendship I enjoyed out in the open with my AP and his family, and by extensions a lot of other mutual friends. Thirdly, conducting the affair and the lying, sneaking around, covering up, etc that goes along with it damaged my sense of myself as basically a good and decent person with integrity. 

But the worst consequence for my particular situation is that the affair obscured the real problems that were going on in my relationship that needed to be dealt with. I really wish I had the courage to deal with those problems directly instead of trying to comfort myself with another person. 

We started MC 5 months after DDay, and he started his affair three months into MC. I still don't know if it was just a RA or any real details. I was in NC with my AP and was committed to working on our problems when I found the incriminating evidence of his relationship with a married coworker. 

For some reason I believed him when he said it was "just an EA". He lied and lied until I waved the evidence I found (pictures carefully stored away on his computer) in front of his face. The worst was when her husband called me and told me about the thousands of sexts and other texts he read from my H to his wife on her phone. And I knew her and her husband--we saw them socially many times over the year. 

Anyway, so I see that my affair triggered this landslide of pain and recrimination and the underlying problems in our relationship have been buried under all this drama. 

We still haven't been able to address why we each had an affair, I thought we were making progress in MC but since he was cheating almost the whole time I see it was a false R. 

By having an affair I lost any chance that he could have listened to my concerns about our marriage and taken them seriously. Now he's just focused on his hurt feelings and betrayal and I am struggling with my own feelings of guilt and betrayal. 

All in all, a big waste of time and source of pain and anger that solved nothing for me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Revenge cheaters rarely feel any trace of remorse. That's why this kind of situations almost never results in R.

If it wasn't enough with your horrible double betrayal (which almost always become very public and carries tons of consequences) he pulls this even while in MC? Give me a break.

He's not better than you.
Unless he starts owning his stuff there's no hope at all.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

solvednothing said:


> As a WS/BS, I feel compelled to express why having an affair was the worst possible route for me to take when I was deeply unhappy in my marriage.
> 
> First of all I risked everything, including my relationship with my children and our standing in the community. Second of all, I ruined the platonic friendship I enjoyed out in the open with my AP and his family, and by extensions a lot of other mutual friends. Thirdly, conducting the affair and the lying, sneaking around, covering up, etc that goes along with it damaged my sense of myself as basically a good and decent person with integrity.
> 
> ...


What goes around, comes around. Isn't that what they say. Guess he felt he was entitled. Infidelity affects so many people.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your situation is incredibly hard. 
You destroyed your marriage and many other things, with your infidelity, don't have details but I guess you talked your H into trying to R?

Then he gets revenge when you thought you guys were working on your marriage?

If you got the time some more details would be useful.

From the sound of things, he might not have addressed his pain or found a healthy outlet for it.

There is always hope, but it would take both of you to achieve success.

I would say that you might have deserved a RA but everyone else sure didn't.

You guys have screwed" literally" more than one family and many friends. You might have to move to have a chance.

Anyhow, try spelling it out in a longer post. Take your time and use paragraphs. The more details you can remember, the better advice you can receive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sounds similar to the story of my wife and I. 

We are still together 16 years later. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

When people are so destroyed emotionally after being cheated on, they feel the need to lash out. Sometimes that is in the form of an RA.

I wasn't married (yet) so I can't really call what happened to me an affair but it was damn close. Anyways...I can't really blame him for the RA during your MC. He was probably still hurting and I bet the issues that caused the affair were not being addressed.

I don't have any faith in MC by the way.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Where do things stand now?

What do you want?

What does he want?

Can each of you trust anything the other says?

In my unprofessional opinion, you need to start rebuilding or decide if you both want to rebuild that foundation in MC. Anything else at this point is noise.

Can't deal with the issues if you don't trust each other.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

solvednothing said:


> Anyway, so I see that my affair triggered this landslide of pain and recrimination and the underlying problems in our relationship have been buried under all this drama.


Promiscuous behavior is an individual problem.

Promiscuous behavior is what people choose to do when they stop working on the martial issues.

Promiscuous behavior is akin to gambling or drinking to excess.

You wouldn't blame a marriage for drinking problems would you?

You cannot blame your affair or his for marital issues, that's completely separate.

If you both had affairs, you both have individual issues to work on.. You both resort to promiscuous behavior when you check out of working on the couple.

Working on marital issues, and you two working on your promiscuity issues are separate tasks.

Don't think you can resolve marital issues working on your promiscuity issues. Don't think you can work on your marital issues and the promiscuous behavior will go away.

It does not work that way.


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## solvednothing (Jan 31, 2014)

Thank you for all your replies. One consequence of this whole mess, for both of us, is feeling very lonely. 

We are in our 14th year of marriage, 2 awesome kids ages 10 and 13. From the outside everything looks perfect. 

We met, fell in love, got married, had a baby and bought a house within the first two years of meeting. I was in graduate school the entire time. He moved here from another country to be with me, so all of our relationship prior to marriage was conducted long distance. 

What I'm saying is I realize we just didn't know each other well enough before we got married. The first few years were very busy and exciting so although there were some obvious areas where we were not compatible we both kind of put that to the side. I think we both would say we were truly in love. 

After our second child was born we agreed I would stay home and take care of the kids. I had only ever worked part time in this marriage and did the majority of child care and house work, etc. He worked very hard and became quite successful (in my opinion) so we could live on his income alone. 

We have never been able to communicate well. His manner is very abrupt and he does not sugar coat anything. He does not value being a "nice guy" with anyone. I am sensitive and my personality is just not strong enough to deal with his. So anger, resentment etc began to fester. 

So years later I was depressed, felt like a failure, etc. There is so much to say but I'll just list a few things that will sound familiar to most married people: He doesn't like to socialize, I do. He thought I wasn't keeping the house clean enough. He gets very hostile and unhappy when I gain weight. He wanted me to go back to work sooner. 

He had prostate cancer a few years ago and had surgery and thought I wasn't supportive enough. He thinks I don't include him in my plans and is frustrated that I don't address things head on. In other words, we both have real grievances that we just never addressed or worked on together. 

Instead of working on these things, I had an affair which was a huge mistake. Because now we still are not really getting to the bottom of things but just working on the fall out of the affairs. Its been over a year since his DD with me and 5 months since I found out about his affair and I feel like we are paralyzed. 

I have to say MC didn't really get us anywhere but we are willing to try a new counselor. The best thing to come out of all of this is he is in IC for the first time and I think no matter what happens that will be a positive thing for him. I am in IC, we are both on antidepressants...just still feel very stuck. 

Sorry for the novella if there any details I should include to make things more clear please ask.


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## solvednothing (Jan 31, 2014)

Conanhub,

Yes I did ask him to R after I was caught. I really felt the mistake I made and felt the pain I caused him. We were both devastated. He panicked at first about losing me and tried so hard to understand. I was panicked too...after a few months however the anger set in and we withdrew to our corners. 

He was carpooling alone everyday with a female coworker (I know I know) who was having her own marital issues. He used to tell me about her problems until he stopped mentioning her at all. Not hard to imagine how it all went down. 

They no longer carpool. 

MattMatt--I read your thread and was happy for you and to see how things can work out. Sometimes I think the cheating is the least of our problems, however. 

Deejo-- It's so hard to know what we each want. He offered to move out twice after his cheating was discovered (first time when it appeared to be an EA and that's what he admitted to and the second time when her husband called me and told me the gory details). 

I didn't want him to move out because of logistics believe it or not, plus it was close to Christmas. But now I think we both need some distance and time to see what it is we want. 

Gets complicated to because we are still attracted to each other and the sex distracts us both from the problems.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

solvednothing said:


> Gets complicated to because we are still attracted to each other and the sex distracts us both from the problems.


Why on earth are you having sex with a confirmed liar and cheater?

If you even SUSPECT your spouse may be cheating you need to STOP having sex and get an STD test immediately.

You do not have sex until you are confident your spouse is STD free and monogamous.

And as mentioned, sex can create a lot of chemical changes in the brain that can cloud judgement.

At that point you are just cheating yourself. You are cheating yourself out of a healthy reconciliation.

Impulse control is often rooted in why people cheat. You both would do better for your marriage by showing some impulse control.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I don't really get the whole Revenge affair thing. Now, I can mos def see the need for a BS to get some strange (especially a man) after their spouse betrayed them in the worst way possible. But really, it's not gonna do anything. 

Why???

Cause you assume that the WS cares about the exclusivity of the relationship. 

But.... 

Yeah. See. 

I still don't call it a revenge "affair". And I would never hold it against the BS. Ever. In my opinion the BS can really do anything to WS or marriage at this point. I don't like it when people go "oh so you cheated back, well then your even" or "well you can't judge". 

Wrong. People who have revenge affairs are deeply hurt and DESERVE to heal. For some BS, it's by cheating back. I don't see anything wrong with it. 

Once the WS opens the Pandora's Box that is infidelity. Everything is fair game. Pretty much.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It sounds like You both rug swept Your affair And never really dealt with it. How long was your affair? What is someone you both knew? How did your husband find out? What's your affair partner married? Did you do anything That this site Suggest you should do? No contact, Full transparency, Remorse, Answering all your husbands questions truthfully, no trickle truthing?

I think you guys might need to get back to square one and deal with your betrayal correctly. 
Depending on your answers, there is probably still a lot of work that needs to be done from the initial damage you did.

That can take a while and it is pain staking. After you have fully dealt with the ramifications of your infidelity then maybe you could start working on his. His will be different than yours however
I won't justify what he did with a married woman, but him having sex with someone besides you after you got scummy with OM is not close to the same level of betrayal.

If you two can get these issues fully addressed and you both still want to R, then your other marriage issues can be worked on.

I am sorry for your situation, you started a nuclear chain reaction that very probably destroyed your future with your family intact.

Make sure to take extra care of your kids.
They need to know this is on you not them.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry to be blunt. 

You are both a mess. Not once did it seem like there was love in this marriage.

You dont seem sorry you cheated on him. His pain never became "why it was not worth it". 

And now you are playing the victim. Spare me. 

You opened that door. He should have manned up and divorced you, instead of cheating.

Now you are both tainted.

Put this marriage out of its misery.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

im not sticking up for you husband, so please dont ream more into this than what is offered. I was in a VERY similiar situation and wanted to share my experience with you.

like your marriage, i was with my wife for 16 years plus another 4 before we were married. people would have said looking in from the outside, we had the perfect life. both good stable jobs, money wasnt an issue, nice home, etc etc etc

the trouble is, and i didnt see it at the time, my wife wasnt happy. i could "feel" the distance in our marriage, but believed she was having a kind of mid life crisis. we went to a marriage counseler because of her unhappiness which i could not understand, and the MC, to my relief, jumped all over my wife and validated many things that i felt she was completely out of line on. so i out it to rest that i was a good husband, and encouraged her to continue IC to find happiness.

well that went knowhere. she bailed, told me the counseler was on "my side". there was still distance in our relationship, i coped by getting deeper into my hobbies and work and hoped for the best.

at some point thats when her affair began. i didnt have a clue, but looking back now the signs were there. i discovered it by accident and it hit like a train.

we went to MC, and i must say, looking back now, our MC was TERRIBLE. he basically excused her affair, "Ya know, this is what grows from a marriage disconnect" and told me to never bring it up again (classic rug sweep). i was told BY HER, that she changed, grew up, and wanted different things and i had to accept it.

I left the home, feeling completely crushed, lost and confused. during our seperation, i met a young woman. "affair" was never on my mind, just friendship and a companion. but the setting was ripe, i was disconnected from my wife and discovered many things i had completely forgotten about with this new woman.

so call it an RA, EA or just a plain old affair, I dont know. but im not going back, the divorce is alomst final.

of course, there is more to the story, my wife did somewhat wake up from her affair fog, but magically only after i told her i was with someone else. she made a half-baked attempt to "win me back" but after much time and healing, i could see the sheepskin on the wolf, and never really adressed the core issues.

in the end, through a lot of pain, i have discovered my STBXW did me a huge favor.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TheFlood117 said:


> Wrong. People who have revenge affairs are deeply hurt and DESERVE to heal. For some BS, it's by cheating back. I don't see anything wrong with it.
> 
> Once the WS opens the Pandora's Box that is infidelity. Everything is fair game. Pretty much.


No giant "dislike" feature on TAM?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheating is ALWAYS wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Was cheating supposed to have "worked?"


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You heal by leaving. Because once you cheat, you are a cheater. And your next lover may not care why you did it. I know i wouldn't.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

illwill said:


> Sorry to be blunt.
> 
> You are both a mess. Not once did it seem like there was love in this marriage.
> 
> ...


I hear what you're saying.

BUT

A marriage is always worth fighting for.. 

Kids are worth fighting for..

Look there is a point where it is worth giving up and cutting your losses. I just don't think this is the time for them. 

I think they will need a lot of work and fighting together to keep this marriage.. 

Unless there is something more ( know sounds minimal right ? ) then its a good way to just restarted at ground zero with this family.. 

I can see the pain in my kids eyes at times from all of this..


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> I hear what you're saying.
> 
> BUT
> 
> ...


My friend, you cannot be serious. 

Many marriages are not worth fighting for. Just like many are.

But, this one has already had two cheating blows. Two.

Many marriages dont recover from one. Now maybe this marriage has been better than it seems. But based on what she has written they barely knew eachother when they got married.

And these two dont even like the same things. Was this a shotgun wedding?

I guess we have been reading seperate threads.

The truth is: Some of the couples who end up here, should have stayed single.

And dont get me started on the kids.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Cheating is wrong now matter what motivates it. After reading so much about RA's I am glad I did not go down that path for myself. Being a BS I know that pain and trauma that the WS created. I cannot really jump on someone that had an RA. I would say what this only occurred out of the murder to the marriage that the WS created.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I will say this ... my ex left me for someone else and I, within a month got involved with someone else - I felt entitled, felt vindicated, felt I was evening the score....but my children (who were adults - 18 and 20) were left in the ruins. It has been almost two years - I am not involved with anyone now - she is still with the person she had affair with (idk - I do not keep tracks) - but I regret not giving my family a second chance. My son later said "she cheated yes, but you left me to pick up the pieces." Fair enough. And when I retrieved my laptop with all the family pictures on it - I noticed one of the kids when they were younger and my ex put a comment underneath it saying "nice family..where did you go (my name). that comment haunts me because I knew she had regrets and got caught up in some emotional fog and I did not give her the opportunity to see it through. Yes the affair was 100% her fault but my actions did not save the marriage either. So I do not think revenge affairs are good. It often is the final nail in the coffin.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> I will say this ... my ex left me for someone else and I, within a month got involved with someone else - I felt entitled, felt vindicated, felt I was evening the score....but my children (who were adults - 18 and 20) were left in the ruins. It has been almost two years - I am not involved with anyone now - she is still with the person she had affair with (idk - I do not keep tracks) - but I regret not giving my family a second chance. My son later said "she cheated yes, but you left me to pick up the pieces." Fair enough. And when I retrieved my laptop with all the family pictures on it - I noticed one of the kids when they were younger and my ex put a comment underneath it saying "nice family..where did you go (my name). that comment haunts me because I knew she had regrets and got caught up in some emotional fog and I did not give her the opportunity to see it through. Yes the affair was 100% her fault but my actions did not save the marriage either. So I do not think revenge affairs are good. It often is the final nail in the coffin.


Why would you want her back if she is still with the other man?

And would you feel this way if you found someone?

What have you done to heal yourself? 

And your kids are adults now, do not let them guilt trip you.

I only ask because its rare for a man to regret leaving a cheating wife. And ive seen your post on here many times sort of stuck.

No disrespect.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

illwill said:


> Why would you want her back if she is still with the other man?
> 
> And would you feel this way if you found someone?
> 
> ...


No disrespect taken - honest questions - thus far anyway.

I do not want her back now - what I said was I regret not being there when she had regrets - it could have been salvageable at that point. I left my son to deal with it all - I regret that as well. 
I recognize that people can get messed up at times and make poor decisions - I made plenty throughout our 26 year marriage. 

You missed the point that I actually was with someone else and it did not fill the gap of not having my family. 

I have healed myself pretty much - live alone, enjoy my company. You have to remember we split up almost 2 years ago..so it has been a while. I work out, did counselling for a while, dated for a bit, but realized I just enjoy my own company - less complicated that way. 

My kids do not guilt trip me and I do not see where you got that from my post??? I said I regret not giving my family a second chance - you seem to have drawn all sorts of conclusions and made judgments on what I said.

Again, I said I regret not giving my family a second chance. Her actions were and are undeniably wrong but that does not excuse me to do whatever I want. That is what I regret. Tying into the thread - two wrongs do not a right make!

Sort of stuck? 

Suggestion: talk about yourself and your circumstances and not focus on others' - no disrespect.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

No need for the attitude, sir. It was a honest question.

Sounds like you meant disrespect. I did not. 

Good luck.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

illwill said:


> And ive seen your post on here many times *sort of stuck.*


No offence Ill - just this part I thought was over the top....
I mean who is to judge whether one is stuck or not...you do not know me or where I am at? That's what I was reacting to..


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Thats how it came across to me. But, i do not know you at all. So, you are dead right.

I apologize for any insult at all.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

No worries - I know you meant no ill will (no pun intended).. like our marriages..let's move on..
I appreciated your other questions...they were perfectly fair and my reaction was over the top as well - my apologies too...


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm with flood, as usual. The marriage is dead as soon as one commits physical affair as far as I'm concerned. I worry not about the piece of paper and the whole "marriage process", but rather I see the marriage as a living spiritual connection between two people and while it may grow stronger and weaker, ebb and flow, it is broken once someone commits that act. Th

Then the bs has a choice to build again with ws or to weigh their options. 

I think far too many problems are caused by people choosing r way to fast or as a default position. R is a gift.....and should only be presented to one whom shows themselves to be exceptional in all ways. 

Otherwise, you can find lots of other options.


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