# Fiancee Slept with a Married Man



## DenverBroncos (Apr 22, 2015)

I have been dating a woman for 6 years and we are now engaged. By far the best and easiest relationship I have ever been. The person who introduced us, "Ted". was a mutual friend. They seemed extraordinarily close and multiple times during our relationship I had asked if they had ever been together, and she always answered definitively no.

About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married. Her situation was she was just finalizing her divorce from her husband, as he had many affairs the last 3 years of their marriage. Some other background on her, is that her family had basically disowned an aunt of hers for having a affair with a married man about 10 years prior to this (all has been forgiven in this matter).

The affair started at a fundraiser they were both working on. They rode together and had a few drinks at the meeting and when they got back to her place, they had a makeout session. They talked about it the next day and both stated how bad they felt about it (his marriage was on a downward slide and this would be his first but not his last affair before he finally got divorced). Yet they went to another event about 2 weeks later, same thing, a few drinks go home but now this time leads to sex, and again about 2 weeks later, but this time they did not even make it home, sex in the back of his van. She was 36 at the time and is now 43.

She states that her self esteem was at an all time low and that she was vunerable and found the attention exciting as her husband had not made her feel very good about herself.

I am struggling on multiple levels here. #1. Sleeping with a person you know is married, to me that is just awful, especially coming out of a relationship where it happened to you. #2. The married person she slept with is friend of mine (he never mentioned it either). #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party.. #4. The fact that she kept carpooling with him to these events leads me to believe she wanted this to happen. #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?

They stopped talking after the second time for about 2 months then ran into each other at the gym. He was moving on with his life and when he found out she was not seeing anyone, he called and asked if I would be interested.

I am no saint myself, I have had too many partners to count, and she knew about my sex life very early on. My adult life has been pretty stable. I lost my first wife when I was 37 with 2 small kids. I had a lot of opportunities to sleep around at that time, but did not even go out on a date for over a year as I wanted to make sure my head and heart were in the right place. Kind of what I would expect most adults to do in either of our situations. 

As of now I am really struggling with being with her for the reasons listed above. The six years of dating have been amazing and I truly believe she would never cheat on me. This affair is on my mind constantly. It has damaged how I feel about her, as I am disgusted by that behaviour.

Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

So this relationship occurred before you were introduced to your now GF?



> #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?


Because the entire affair was compartmentalized and would never be visited again. Or so they thought. This sound to me it was purely sex for them and nothing more thus it was easy to ask you if you were interested. 

Since this is still a BF/GF relationship you can walk if this is something you believe will taint your future relationship. Specifically the lie about it but not the affair portion as it occurred before you arrived on the scene. However, I, like you...a bit weary of those that conducted an affair prior to my dating them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DenverBroncos said:


> I have been dating a woman for 6 years and we are now engaged. By far the best and easiest relationship I have ever been. The person who introduced us, "Ted". was a mutual friend. They seemed extraordinarily close and multiple times during our relationship I had asked if they had ever been together, and she always answered definitively no.
> 
> About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married. Her situation was she was just finalizing her divorce from her husband, as he had many affairs the last 3 years of their marriage. Some other background on her, is that her family had basically disowned an aunt of hers for having a affair with a married man about 10 years prior to this (all has been forgiven in this matter).
> 
> ...


Dump her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Does she know you know about it? If so, what has her reaction been?

(Her aunt's history has nothing to do with this)

Was she still married when this happened, or was she already divorced from a man who cheated on her?

I assume she knew this man was married when it happened? Do you know how he presented himself to her (i.e. they were already separated, etc.?)


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Dont get married until you figure this all out.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

DenverBroncos said:


> #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party..


This is reason enough to abort this mission.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Seems to me like you may have mistaken two people for friends of yours when they were nothing of the sort.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I wouldn't marry her. she told you a big lie so she would not have to deal with this failure to act ethically.

She is willing to deceive you. not a good sign.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She cheated with a man who was married. Was she still married to her ex at the time? 

She will most likely try to put a spin on her reasoning when you confront her. 

Keep it simple: she cheated... regardless of her reasons or the circumstances. If that makes her a risky candidate for marriage to you, then you have a valid reason to break up with her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yep that would be enough reason for me to call it off. You will have to decide for yourself if this is worth moving past or not. Remember you have to live with those consequences


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

so your girlfriend admitted it when you told her what 'Ted's girlfriend' said? or did she trickle truth you? 

or have you told her yet, I couldn't tell from your post.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think if you were head over heels for this woman, you probably wouldn't have been dating her for six years and you wouldn't really care if she had boffed some other guy 7 years ago.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well so far you have asked us for advice and the only thing I can tell you to do is this. 

Pick a night real soon, sit her down and without screaming or name calling, spell it out for her. Now what she did in the past sex wise really is out of your hands in reality. It took place before you two got together and like you said your no angel either but the real issues is she lied to you when you asked and from what you posted, you asked her a few times and she lied.

That's what you need to make her understand that for six years she withheld this information and because of her lying it put a damper on your relationship so if the trust is broken then ask her how can the relationship continue? 

She has some explaining to do and now with her six year lie hanging over her head are you going to believe what she says. If it's me, I put the engagement on hold and see if you can find a light at the end of the tunnel and if your gut tells you no, then go with it.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your fiancée and your friend are deceitful individuals. It is best for you to depart from these two. You will be tortured in your relationship with this woman. You will be haunted by the fact that you learned about their relationship from a third party. Best to let her go.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Personal said:


> Your fiancé being the other woman historically isn't necessarily an issue. Being the other man or woman does not make one a cheater no matter how one tries to contort logic to claim it is so.
> 
> Though some may get a touch apoplectic about my previous statement, one cannot actually cheat on someone they have made no commitment to. All blame regarding marital infidelity should be directed solely towards the wayward partner (excempting if their affair partner is married to someone else). Cheaters cheat because they consciously and wilfully choose to do so, not because they are compelled by another to do so.
> 
> ...



I agree with this. The sleeping with a married man is shady, but lots of people do shady things at some point. I happen to think it's nasty to sleep with married people, but if she'd been honest you could work with it. The lie says she lies about uncomfortable things. I wouldn't marry her until you deal with the lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

DenverBroncos said:


> I am struggling on multiple levels here. #1. Sleeping with a person you know is married, to me that is just awful, especially coming out of a relationship where it happened to you. #2. The married person she slept with is friend of mine (he never mentioned it either). #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party.. #4. The fact that she kept carpooling with him to these events leads me to believe she wanted this to happen. #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?


Any of these items on their own could perhaps be forgiven. Conversely, any of these items on their own would be deal breakers for most people. 

But all these items together? No way dude. How can you trust anything she says?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You must be true to your core principles and if her lie of omission goes against them then you have two options, be faithful to them or betray them yourself. If you choose the latter, then you'd better be ready to pay the consequences for doing so.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, this is a tough spot you are in. Sorry you're here man.

This would be a lie that would make me end the relationship. They guy is a friend and it was not even a lie by omission. Your gut made you ask the question specifically and she could have just come clean.

Of course that would have meant the other dude goes bye bye. She denied you a choice by lying.

The question is can you accept what has happened?

I'd start by blasting your friend for not telling you and embarrass him as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DenverBroncos said:


> About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married.


Did Ted's girlfriend explain why she told you this?

Are you real close to Ted? Do you hang out with him and his girlfriend?

What was her reasoning?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Did Ted's girlfriend explain why she told you this?
> 
> Are you real close to Ted? Do you hang out with him and his girlfriend?
> 
> What was her reasoning?


At this point those reasons have no relevance.....


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

For me, the big issue is that if they BOTH held this from you, what will happen later down the road if they both happen to meet "alone" under the right circumstances again?

And, if you all go to say, a party or a ball game and Ted is there too, I'd be wondering if they glance at each other, revelling in the fun knowledge of their "dirty little secret".


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Denver,
This would turn my stomach. First thought is, Ted is done as a "friend". I'd never want to see the dude again. As for your girl that's a tough one. Six years that were good enough to have you thinking marriage and now this. GRRRR. FFS! "IF", and that a huge "IF", you give her an chance to stick around she's got a lot of making up to do. Definitely move the marriage date to "sometime in the future" while she attempts to rehab her relationship with you. I would want to see a counselor together so she hears the impact of what she's done from a third party. I'd also want to see her embrace all the steps of an apology. And if you go this route Ted no longer exists obviously.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I agree that the previous "relationship" is not the issue, but the lying is. Some people don't care about previous history, but if you do (as I do), then questions that you ask about that should be answered honestly or at a minimum with "that's none of your business". Then you have the opportunity to decide whether the answer (or refusal to answer) is a deal-breaker.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Put off marriage until you figure things out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

michzz said:


> I wouldn't marry her. she told you a big lie so she would not have to deal with this failure to act ethically.
> 
> She is willing to deceive you. not a good sign.


:iagree:

This is the story of my marriage. It will only lead to misery, and never ending doubts about what else she may have lied to you about.

It sucks, no two ways about it. You and she are a great match in so many ways. Yet she was willing to perpetrate a long term lie about something important (hence why she lied about it - she knew it was important to you). This tells you she is not worthy of your trust . I am very sorry for your situation, and sorry to say I recommend you leave her. I consider this an infidelity against you. Some might suggest you attempt a reconciliation process with a good marriage counselor, but I would not put much hope or time into such an endeavor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jdawg2015 said:


> At this point those reasons have no relevance.....


I guess you decide what questions are relevant and which are not?

It's a valid question that I hope the OP will answer.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I guess you decide what questions are relevant and which are not?
> 
> It's a valid question that I hope the OP will answer.


I base that statment on the questions posed in the OP.

No matter what answers are given to those questions will have no bearing on what he's seeking nor help in making any decision. He feels betrayed and trying to decide how to process his feelings. 

This poor chap doesn't need us debating semantics. Hopefully he gets his mind sorted out with how he wants to proceed.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Once people get a taste of cheating, it never ends. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Yes you can forgive but it doesn't mean they won't do it again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Did she explain why she lied to you for six years? 

If she had been truthful at the start and shown remorse for her behavior, how do you think you would have taken it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm not sure she lied, it depends on the exact question and how she answered. Been together could mean two different things.

I know of a case when a guy told another friend he had been with a girl once, they later married and he felt awful for ratting the girl out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> I'm not sure she lied, it depends on the exact question and how she answered. Been together could mean two different things.
> 
> I know of a case when a guy told another friend he had been with a girl once, they later married and he felt awful for ratting the girl out.


Unless I'm mistaken, OP asked directly and several times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jeffyboy said:


> Once people get a taste of cheating, it never ends. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Yes you can forgive but it doesn't mean they won't do it again.


This is patently untrue. Most people who cheat, do it one time. Humans are capable of learning from their mistakes.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Your friend should have told you about them. Nope. Ok then she should have mentioned it. Nope. The truth always comes out! Now, can you let it go, or will you wonder about other things? If you decide to let it go, make sure you are stern with her that you do no want to find out about other things in the future and that honesty is the best policy. Also, are they still friends?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Personal said:


> That said, what I have written in this instance is probably superfluous, since DenverBroncos appears to be a drive by poster and is therefore unlikely to return.


One and done. Just like Peyton Manning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yet again, is OP still around ? Just the one initial post so far!


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

6 year lie? Good bye!


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## DenverBroncos (Apr 22, 2015)

Sorry about delay, I appreciate all your responses. Her rationale for not telling me was 1. She was ashamed of what she had done. 2. She thought had she told me early on, I may have ended the relationship immediately (I am not sure what I would have done). 3. She was at the lowest point of her life, no job, two young kids, and an ex husband who had made her feel totally unattractive, no family in town (moved in from Iowa) and limited amount of friends.

She had told no one about this and still has not.

New to blogs in general so not sure if this goes to a specific person or becomes part of my original post.

I am struggling with this daily. I truly believe it is very out of character for her, but it has definitely tainted my image of her which has affected our relationship.

It gnaws at me constantly.


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## DenverBroncos (Apr 22, 2015)

Her divorce was still about a month from being completed, husband had been out of the house for 3 months.

Ted was still married and she was completely aware of his status. He was unhappy in his marriage and they had talked about this prior to the affair.


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## DenverBroncos (Apr 22, 2015)

New to the site and not sure how posts work. Do they go to individuals or attach to my first post etc. 

I really would like it to work out with this girl as this has been the best relationship I have ever had prior to the discovery of the deceit. 

Now its just constantly sits in my mind and I find myself questioning way too many things.

Its been two months and I am wondering how much more time I should give it. It has gotten better but it is still there.

Thanks


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