# Struggling with impending divorce



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hi, everyone. I'm new here. My STBX and I have been married for 25 years - this was my first and only marriage, his second. We have a 13 year old son.

Last October, he told me he wanted to separate in the summer of this year (when the property we're currently renting will become available). We have been living largely separate lives in the same household for a few years and had talked previously about separating sometime down the road when our son was old enough to handle our living apart. There had been no infidelity in all our years together, and we have never actively fought - we just are no longer in love with each other. He said in October he wanted to be free to pursue other relationships, but had no one in particular in mind at that time.

In December, he told me he had been talking to a lawyer affiliated with his company and had written out some terms for a divorce. He didn't tell me ahead of time he was going to do this - in October, he had presented things like he didn't think we needed to rush in to a divorce.

Then, in February, he and I were watching a movie at 11:00 on a Friday night, and his cell phone was sitting on the sofa between us. A text came across from a woman whose name I didn't know that said "Please don't call me tomorrow. I'm too upset with you to speak with you right now." When I asked him what this was about, he admitted it was a woman he met last July while at a funeral for a friend's father out of town, and that he had gone back there to see her in September (when he had told me he was going to visit other friends I know in the same town).

So now, we've filed for divorce. We still haven't told our son. I would like for us to, but he feels strongly that we should wait until his school year has ended. We still get along OK, as we always have. But living here with him while waiting for him to move out in June so he can openly be with this other woman is very painful. Really, ever since October, I've had a much more difficult time with this than I thought I would, even though we had discussed it previously. I'm 50 years old (just had my birthday a week or so ago - yay, that was a fun one), and I've been married to him for half my life. I have never even considered cheating on him, and as much as I know we've had our issues and can understand his wanting to be with someone else, I can't believe he lied to me repeatedly like he did. My trust in him is shattered.

I just feel broken and lost. I sometimes feel like I can barely breathe. He was at first surprised in a way that I was so upset about it all, but has come to realize how really hurtful it all was and seems to be truly regretful about not being honest with me about it when it first started, considering how honest we've been about everything else.

I should add that we both have good jobs and we're fortunate in that we're financially secure. He also is being very honorable about dividing all the assets, and is truly doing this in my and our son's favor, while also putting it all in writing.

But I'm still struggling to get through each day without breaking down. It's gotten better in the last week or so and I hope it will continue, but it has felt like the Five Stages of Grief as if a death has happened. I have lost both my parents and my stepmother, and my grandparents long before them, and this has been the most painful loss I've dealt with so far.

Any support or advice anyone can offer as to how to continue to get through this and be as strong as I can for our son is much appreciated.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Well, Beans, that's a crummy situation you describe.

You ask for support and advice, and so you shall receive.

I think you haven't been at all honest with yourself about how you feel about your husband. It seems like you took A LOT more comfort and security in the marriage than you realized.

And of course, being left for someone else by your spouse SUCKS, and makes you feel diminished.

But then your husband had to go and cheat on you.

If it weren't for that, I would give you a long list of actions to take to save your marriage. And I still will, in a followup post, if you want.

But cheating is a real marriage-killer. It makes a hard reconciliation almost impossible to achieve.


So. You have to have a plan. It doesn't have to be a great plan. And it can change as time goes by. But you have to have a plan.

So figure out what your plan is. Do you plan to try and save your marriage? Do you plan to go through with the divorce? 

That's the first thing to do.

Be the best Mom to your son that you can be. That's independent of whatever you decide to do.

Find a hobby and pursue it with passion and effort. That's also outcome-independent. A hobby will give you something to take joy in, distract yourself from negative thoughts, and let you make small talk with people about.

As a younger person, I had a hobby of Tequila, and my kidneys remind me what a poor choice of hobbies that was when I have one lousy beer, now.

But I digress.

In the same vein as getting a hobby, put effort into staying in contact with your family (parents and siblings) as well as any extended family that you care to. Renew old friendships, and spend time with any friends you still have.


These are things you can do that will help you cope with all the BS you find yourself dealing with in your marriage.

Follow up with what you want to do, and we can get into the details of how to try to fix your marriage, or how to exit the marriage with as much grace and dignity as you can.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, Not Like You.

There is no chance for reconciliation. He wants to be with the other woman. Fortunately, she is actually older than I am (a little younger than he - he is 6 years older than I) and has two grown children. I say that meaning it would be even more difficult to take his leaving me for a much younger woman who either has young kids or who wants to have more kids. I wasn't able to have a second child due to complications with our first, as much as we had originally planned and hoped to have two children so they could grow up with each other.

So yes, I am trying very hard to leave this marriage with as much grace and dignity as I can. The only ill will I feel towards him is for lying to me - he had always seemingly been very honest with me over the years and spoke often of how he hated liars and cheaters, himself, so that's the part that's almost hardest to swallow. i.e., I feel like I don't even know who this person is anymore.

And I must admit that I was unhappy in the marriage for many years, myself. He could be quite controlling and critical, and I came to feel as if I was a constant disappointment to him. Friends and family told me many times over the years that I didn't act like "myself" when I was around him - I was someone else - I was under his thumb.

So, while my rational mind knows we ultimately will be happier when we have moved on from this marriage, it's hard to turn my back on the life and memories we made together. Like I say, we didn't actively fight - in fact, for the most part, it was just calm, and we laughed all the time. I feel like I'm losing a friend as well as a husband, though he swears he will always "be there" for me regardless of where his next relationship goes. I think that's ultimately not going to be the case, nor should it be. We both truly need to move on.

For my part, I've started walking 3-5 miles a day. I'm fairly slim and in reasonably good shape, and have been for most of my adult life, so I'm not making a dramatic change, here, just to spite him or in order to attract a new man, lest anyone hit me with the "Well, if you'd stayed in shape while you were married..." I just find that I need to get out of the house every evening after work and dinner and clear my head, and walking seems the better alternative to going to some nearby bar and drinking.

I'm also not acting bitter or angry towards him for what's transpired, for the most part, even though I have moments, still, of being quite angry with him for being so insensitive towards someone he still claims is one of his best friends. For example, the other day, he gave me dating and relationship advice. I did not ask for any, and thought I'd made it clear that I'm not desperate to not be alone - I have been often, literally, throughout our marriage because he travels extensively for his work. 

I really think that first and foremost, he needs to move out. I can't really start to move on until he isn't living with me in the same house any more. I hope that things will get much easier when that happens.

I'd just really like to stop hurting so much. I've never been an overly dramatic or emotional person, and everything I'm feeling has been overwhelming. I haven't been able to talk to many friends about it, because I'd like to wait until our son also knows before I start doing that. This feeling of being in limbo has been extraordinarily hard.

Thanks for listening and for the support. I appreciate it more than I can say.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Okay, you have a plan. You're ahead of the game. Let's see if we can extend your lead!

Let's get the 'support' stuff out of the way first.

It's okay and normal to feel torn up about things. Your feelings are not out of the ordinary or anything. You have an excellent attitude, and you're going to make it through this stretch of hard road and end up in a better place.

If all that sounds trite, please do not take it that way. If you read TAM, you'll find that other people in your situation are struggling with things much worse than you are- those supportive statements sound flat because you're doing great. Better than I would in your situation, probably.

So pat yourself on the back for handling things as well as you are! Take comfort in your successes, and believe me, you are succeeding, here.

So here is some outside perspective for you to mull over.

You are making a critical error in your thinking. You are totally underestimating how much of a dumbass a guy can be. And I speak from experience, here. Your husband is in what's called 'the affair fog.' He ain't thinking anywhere near clearly. In fact, his thought processes more closely resemble that of an addict. 

As you describe him, he sounds like he has a bad case of narcissism, as well, but I'm not a licensed Psycho-ticist, I just act like one in real life. Nevertheless, DO NOT rule out the possibility that your husband will have second thoughts. Like I said, go read some threads in 'Coping with Infidelity' to see some potential pitfalls ahead.

And another thing- grace and dignity are cool when you're trying to impress people. In the longer term, you might like yourself better if you go ahead and feel some ill will towards him for, I dunno, being a D!CK to you for years, not being a great husband, not treating you like a great wife, putting God knows how much pressure on you to have more kids than you could, taking the best years of your life, and HAVING SEX WITH SOME OTHER WOMAN.

Google 'the 180.' it is a set of behaviors you can start dong, FOR YOU. They help you dis-engage emotionally and mentally, from someone like your husband.

You're hurting. You know the source of your pain. If you don't want to rain fire and brimstone into his life by, for starters, letting every adult acquaintance (including his co-workers) know that he has a fidelity problem, well, you can still take charge.

GET YOUR OWN LAWYER. Do this really soon. File for divorce yourself. Help your husband along by requesting that he go ahead and move out ahead of schedule.

STOP BEING SO REASONABLE. Being reasonable hasn't paid off handsomely with this guy. Kick his a$$ out of the house.

If you were a guy, I'd suggest you read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Hell, it's the 21st century. Read it anyway. 

As far as the pain of broken dreams goes-

Stay busy. Like I said in my first post, be a great Mom, find a hobby, do stuff with friends and family. Look into counseling for grief abatement.

Take up something violent, like martial arts or shooting. Get in touch with your inner b!tch. I don't mean that in a sexist way- you've walled off a whole slew of human emotions, and you are unbalanced as a result. I'm not suggesting that you throw logic and reason to the wind, only that you learn to set them aside sometimes for a change.

When you find yourself in limbo, the best way to escape is to take one step at a time, until you are your own person again.

So take some steps like retaining an attorney, and moving things ahead on your own schedule, and reclaim your identity.

Now go forth and kick some a$$.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

When men suddenly want a divorce, even more than women, I think another woman is involved. Regardless of what they say. Most men are not willing to,upset the apple cart, so to speak, without such a reason. Maybe the woman is pushing him, maybe not. But it comes to the same thing...you can't make him change his mind. And once you absorb the shock, you will realize that being with someone who lies to you is impossible and defeating. And eventually you won't want him back and your pain will turn to disgust at his deception.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm in a very similar boat as you, and I do agree to wait until the school year is over. I'm not sure if we're going to do exactly that, but we definitely won't be making the physical split until the school year is over. In our case, this will be the second time we're telling our kids that we're splitting up (this is a failed reconciliation), and they've heard fights, see us living completely separate lives now, know there's strife, so it will not come as a huge shock. We just want to make sure we know logistically what is going on before telling them. 

I will be hard, but you can do it.....you've done it this long already. What's a few extra months? Just focus on logistics (i.e. who will move?) from now until then and the time will fly.

Sorry you're going through this. And, happy belated birthday .


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thanks, everyone.

Make no mistake, Not Like You - I was infuriated and humiliated when I first found out, and I let him know that in no uncertain terms. I've never been angrier and more disappointed with anyone in my life, and am fairly sure I never will be.

You're absolutely right about his being in a fog and acting like an addict. And you're absolutely right about his being a narcissist. When I first told my brother about all this, he said, "You know it's always been all about him, don't you? Let him go and get on with your life. And then it can finally be about you and your son, without someone standing on top of you telling you every day that's not how it is." Yes, he has been a D!ck for pretty much most of the marriage. I think I put up with it for as long as I have because I'm non-confrontational to a fault, and, let's be honest, I'm a bit of a masochist. (I, too, am not a psychologist, but I play one on TV.) He has also, however, been a very good father, and other than being the narcissistic, insensitive pr!ck that he can often be, has been stable and dependable. I do realize, though, that I deserve more than stability and dependability - like someone who truly loves and appreciates me for all that I really am, and not for what he hopes to make me into.

I had felt strongly at first that he shouldn't move and we shouldn't tell our son until his school year is over, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be around him knowing he'd rather be going and spending time with TOW. I guess it's fortunate that she is at least not local (yet - there is talk of her moving down here if the relationship continues to go in the serious direction). But I also know he talks to her on the phone every day and she is chomping at the bit to see him again. (I think more because she is lonely and bored - her estranged husband was killed in an auto accident two years ago and her children are grown - than because she's madly in love with him. Of course he doesn't see this because of the fog he's in.) Our son is at a stage where he's very much involved in sports and with all of his friends - he is fortunately a popular kid at school and has plenty of extra-curricular activities, friends, and hobbies to occupy his mind and time. It almost may be better to tell him sooner than later, while he has all these happy distractions.

The renters are now moving out on May 1. I've told him I think he should plan to move that day, too, and we should tell our son soon. In his usual selfish way, he wants to get through a recurrently stressful part of his job that's coming up at the end of this week and get through filing our taxes before doing that.

I have procured my own lawyer who will review what his lawyer has drawn up (he's already started filing proceedings) and make sure it is fair. I truly don't foresee contesting any of it - we've talked about it at length and he is planning on giving me quite a bit more than is required by law, to the point that his lawyer advised him not to, the sonofa*****, but he's overriding his advice. Fortunately, again, that aspect of all of it is not too much of a worry.

I will check out The 180, NLY. I agree that I do need to find ways to disengage and disconnect from him. I have certainly found that I like the way anger makes me feel more than the way sadness does - at least the anger is empowering and motivating. I have to get away from these thoughts that keep creeping in that say, "He's got his next life and love all laid out for him already, and I'm just going to be left over here flapping in the wind." I need to change the voices in my head, as the song goes, and make them like me, instead.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you, Jane, for what you said about being with someone who lies to me. That is really resonating - to the point that I do believe I'll tell him I'd like him to leave as soon as he can, because being with someone who lies to me is indeed impossible and defeating, and I won't do it anymore.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

And I'm sorry, Second Time 'Round, for what you're going through right now, too. We'll both get through this.

I very much appreciate your belated birthday wishes, as well. I felt like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles - like a birthday that should have been a happy milestone ended up just being mostly sad because of Captain Insensitive Pants.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be around him knowing he'd rather be going and spending time with TOW. I guess it's fortunate that she is at least not local (yet - there is talk of her moving down here if the relationship continues to go in the serious direction). But I also know he talks to her on the phone every day and she is chomping at the bit to see him again.


I know exactly how this feels . When my STBX went up to his bedroom at 7:50 p.m. to go to bed on the night of his 40th birthday recently, I lost it on him. It hurts so much to know the man you love is sharing all of his emotional energy, time, conversation, etc. with someone else .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So he wants to divorce you, cheated and wants to go live with this woman, but wants everything to happen on his timetable (telling your son)? 

What a joke.

You don't owe this guy anything anymore. You are not going to feel better living under the same roof with him. If you feel it's appropropriate to tell you son, then let him know you are divorcing.

Get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. If he wants a divorce so bad, he can leave/move out.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My 2 cents... Warning that there is some projection here that I can't help but do. So apologies in advance... 

There's no good time to tell your son or anyone else. World's get rocked at bad times. That is life. Your stbx is stalling and making it all on his convenient schedule. He is banking on the fact that you'll continue as you are and comply. 

My ex pulled the same thing, and like you, I was a wallflower pretending ignorance, being sad and upset every day, until HE was ready to tell the world. Unfortunately, I had lived in the toxic household with him for 5 months longer than I should have and it damaged me significantly. 

Just drop the other shoe. You know there's no reconciliation here, so why wait? Don't live in a toxic house with him for one day longer than necessary. Grow your own brass balls and take care of you - no one else will.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are well spoken, at least as far as your writing goes. It's difficult for an outsider to judge to what degree your husband is a total self centered jerk and a pathological narcissist. Hopefully he is not as horrible as you contemplate. I say that because it would imply that you have suffered far more than you imagine, living your entire married life in the shadow of someone who never cared about you.

Since you discussed divorce and moving on previously your husband gave himself license to change the rules of the game. It is not as bad as it could be since were already not planning a future together. Still, he is a cheater nonetheless.

Do you feel regret that you did not divorce earlier?

What killed off your sex life?

The 180 suggestion is a good one.

I don't see the point is dragging it out or hiding it from your son. You should sit down and tell him with as little drama as possible. One of the questions he will have is why now? Well, your husband should tell him that he has met someone else. After all your son is old enough to hear the truth.

Whether or not you are friends with your stbx in the future or not is so important. He cannot be your friend if you reject him.

You sound as if you almost feel sorry for him or OW because you don't believe in their love. You may be right or wrong. You will let it go because you don't seem the sort of nurse grudges. 

There may well be happiness for you with someone new if the hunch of a stranger on the Internet is worth anything.

Hit the gym. Use your sadness and anger to give yourself a physiological high.

Once dad disappears for this woman, who will unlikely be a significant person to your son, you and your son will have an opportunity to hang out.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Excellent points, Jellybeans and Satya. SecondTime'Round, I think we both need to tell the insensitive pr!ck in our lives to get the he!! out. It *is* damaging to continue to live in such a toxic environment. That's exactly how I feel - damaged. And I have been feeling this way since October of last year, and then much more keenly so since February, when I learned about the rest of the story. Why should we be the compliant wallflowers pretending everything is fine just because they're not ready for the world to know what they really are?

He told me last night that I am "beautiful" and "a great person," and that I shouldn't worry, because I'll be "just fine." I bit my tongue to keep from saying "Easy for you to say, when you already have my replacement ready and waiting."

You know what? I'll be more than just fine. I'll be golden. And you'll find yourself with someone who picked you up at a funeral because she was desperate not to be alone and texted you about how unhappy she was that the divorce wasn't going fast enough for her at 11:00 on a Friday night in the hopes that I would find out that way, because it was taking you too long to tell me. That's not a beautiful or a great person. That's what you're leaving behind. Let me know how that works out for you.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

LongWalk, no, he is not horrible. As I've said, he's been an involved and caring father to our son, and up until now, I believe, he's been faithful, in spite of our sex life not being stellar.

What killed it? He is gone half the time for his job, for 2-4 days at a time. He has had this job for 24 years. With retraining and other things, he has sometimes been gone for longer stretches. I'm an independent person, so this didn't bother me, and at first, it made our love stronger - we got to rediscover each other whenever he returned. But over time, we just started to need (and then want) each other less and less. It was nothing dramatic. It just slowly waned until we were hardly getting together anymore. No one wanted to talk about the elephant in the room - that was really the downfall. We are both non-confrontational to a fault. Had we confronted it head-on, honestly - we would have divorced much earlier on than now. We just don't feel that physical passion for each other that a couple living together should feel. We're both attractive people, but just not physically attracted to each other. Rather than force ourselves to have sex once in a while out of a sense of duty, it just kind of stopped a year or so ago. I have felt physically attracted to a couple of men I know in my daily life over the years, but I have never pursued it because I have this almost out-of-control moral compass. I just plain think it's wrong, no matter the circumstances. (I'm not religious - but I am extremely moral - the two can be mutually exclusive.) I think that if you want to shop around for a better sex partner, you shouldn't be married. I didn't realize he wanted to do that because we never talked about it. Now I do know, and I agree we shouldn't be anymore - it's not fair to either of us.

I agree that our son is old enough to know the whole story, and my STBX has said he will tell him about her (the "why now" part) when we tell him. While I've hated living this lie for all these months, it's probably best, in a way, that we have waited - only very recently am I becoming strong enough to be able to tell him without getting emotional while doing so. I'm finally starting to feel ready to move on, which I definitely didn't a month ago.

I do want to remain friends with him and for things to go as amicably as possible for our son's sake, and because I don't see a point in having any unnecessary drama and strife in our lives after he's gone. So I've hesitated to flat-out insult him and I've held my tongue when I've wanted to say really mean, hurtful things just because I'm feeling bad.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My wife are trying to end things on an "amicable" level as well. No kids, but STBX is hiding from me that she had already moved on. Part of me really wants to blow it out of the water, just so she can be dealing with same level of emotional pain that I am over this.

I think what makes it hard is the usually the person who initiates the divorce had been thinking of it for some time, giving themselves lots of time to warm up to the idea...meanwhile the other person just feels the shock and awe after disclosure or discovery of an affair. We do not have the luxury of a slow temperature change, no...we come into realization _after_ the ship has already struck the iceberg and we are dumped into the harsh, icy waters.

It takes a while to get to the acceptance stage...realizing that when our spouse asked for a divorce, they meant it. No bargaining. No power. Complete loss of control.

I still get angry about losing this marriage unwittingly, but I am also mad that my STBXW has been still hiding EAs and not at all being honest with me. So now, I just am keeping the peace...riding this out for another 74 days and 18 hours and 30 mins....


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

That's very true, FormerSelf. He's said on a few occasions throughout all of this that he's been "thinking about this for a long time" - like a couple of years. We talked about separating a couple years ago - we both initiated the conversation at the same time, and it wasn't a serious discussion in that one of us already had a plan to leave. We decided mutually that our son still needed us to be together for a while. He was struggling in school and had recently had a few good friends move out of the area and was feeling lost, so it didn't seem like the right time. After we had that talk, we actually started getting along much better than we had been (we hadn't been fighting, but there had been a lot of tension between us), and I made the rather unfortunate assumption that he was OK with the way things were. It turns out he continued to think about it for another two years.

Yes, that's a nice, long time to warm up to an idea. I've only had since October to come to terms with his planning to walk out on 25 years of marriage and 27 years together, and really, since the end of February when I found out about the affair to adjust to and accept the entire story. It has been like a shock to my system. I've felt like someone punched me hard in the gut and I'm just reeling, barely able to catch my breath, since the night I found out.

But when I look at our friends who have stayed married that long and longer and seem to be content, I see things their marriages have that ours does not and hasn't in a long time, and I know breaking up is the right thing to do. I see them going on trips and vacations together, not just to visit or help family, but actual vacations together. We haven't done that in 10 years. There were always excuses - our son was a baby or a toddler, we had dogs we didn't want to leave at a kennel, we had work commitments... Other couples work around those things and find a way to go places together and enjoy each other's company. Looking back, I wouldn't say we never should have been married - it was good in the early years and we were happy. And I'm glad we had our son, because he is a great kid and a constant source of joy - I'd go back and do it all again to be able to still have him. But I do feel sad for the years lost in an unhappy, loveless marriage. Now I'm 50, and I wonder if I'll get a second chance at love or if this is all there is for me. I look at my divorced and single friends who've been alone for years and years, and I kick myself for feeling sorry for myself when they've all dealt with the loneliness for much longer than I'll have to.

But I digress (and digress, and digress).

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and support. It's all helped quite a bit.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I can tell you are married to a pilot........Ask me how I know.....The good news is that you are smart, well spoken and have every chance of re-connecting with someone of value when you are ready. I thought my life was over during and after divorce. It wasn't. It was just beginning. Look at it this way, it could have gone on this way for years more which would have just prolonged the pain. What happens to us all is what is supposed to happen. We look forward to following your progress. Check out Meet-Up.com when you are ready to re-engage. Peace


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Yes, Betrayedone, you called that one right.

My STBX has flown all over the world for 30+ years - mostly to South America, and he's leaving me for someone he went to high school with in the Midwest. Along with everything else, the irony is stupefying.

Thank you for your very kind and hopeful words.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

What would you gain, other than temporary satisfaction, by trying to make her feel as bad as you feel? And would she even feel bad? Getting out with a degree of pride, by biting your tongue, has its benefits. You will feel better about yourself as you move on with your life.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I have procured my own lawyer who will review what his lawyer has drawn up (he's already started filing proceedings) and make sure it is fair. I truly don't foresee contesting any of it - we've talked about it at length and he is planning on giving me quite a bit more than is required by law, to the point that his lawyer advised him not to, the sonofa*****, but he's overriding his advice. Fortunately, again, that aspect of all of it is not too much of a worry.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

ABSOLUTELY you need to have the paperwork reviewed. You have the word of a lying, cheating narcissist that his lawyer told him that he is giving you too much. What is that really worth? Better to have your lawyer look it over or you may find out later that he was lying then too.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You're right, Jane. Like it says in "The 180," no one ever got in trouble for walking away and not saying anything.

I happen to know his new love is overweight. I know because he's told me, and I've seen a photo of her. He's always made fun of overweight people to the point that I have had to gently ask him to have a little compassion. My Mom was overweight in her later years, and so are other members of my family.

Lately, he's taken to giving me fitness and workout advice more than he ever used to. I've been walking 3-5 miles a day, and doing yoga. I've been doing a lesser version of this for over a year, now - the distance is all that's increased in the last few months.

It would be really satisfying - but only temporarily - to take a shot at her when he does this, which is pretty much daily lately. But that's not me. I don't make fun of overweight people. And I'm not going to start now, just because I kind of hate one of them right now for other reasons.

Gonna Make It - I've learned my lesson about legal documents from being the executrix of my parents' estate. Without a lawyer's interpretation of what all the various Legalese really means, I'd have been lost.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> My wife are trying to end things on an "amicable" level as well. No kids, but STBX is hiding from me that she had already moved on. Part of me really wants to blow it out of the water, just so she can be dealing with same level of emotional pain that I am over this.
> 
> I think what makes it hard is the usually the person who initiates the divorce had been thinking of it for some time, giving themselves lots of time to warm up to the idea...meanwhile the other person just feels the shock and awe after disclosure or discovery of an affair. We do not have the luxury of a slow temperature change, no...we come into realization _after_ the ship has already struck the iceberg and we are dumped into the harsh, icy waters.
> 
> ...


I hear you Formerself.

And i was only married for 5 years. it all went down so fast, caught me by surprise, and like you said it's really dishonest of the WAW or spouse to see the ship burning, to see the car going down the Cliff and not do anything or say anything. Yes sometimes we are in denial or have our heads up our assess but you'd think that you would at least get some warning or some words saying "this is going to nhell, we better do something, or i'm starting to not love you", specially with kids involved, you have a responsability towards them at least.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you are lucky he is leaving you, NMB. It does not seem that way right now, but I think it will eventually.

You don't really want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry you're here beans. I think you've gotten great advice and have nothing to add, but I'm rooting for you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

northernlights said:


> I'm sorry you're here beans. I think you've gotten great advice and have nothing to add, but I'm rooting for you.



The only thing I have to add is that I have been where you are. Very similar situation and 25 years married. You have been given excellent advice.

It gets better! Keep walking and doing yoga, working out kept me sane. Find a good outlet for venting. Build new social connections and rally your friends around you. I think his moving out will make things much easier on you.

I'm glad you are having your own lawyer review things. As long as he truly is giving you more than he legally has to, good! That is the one tiny decent thing he is doing probably out of guilt. Who cares, take it. My Ex also gave me a guilt settlement. It was really nice getting half of his bonus this year (same perks with no work).


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