# Is it Ethical to Leave Someone Because You Don't Want Kids?



## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Okay, so recently, a situation has arisen. We are waiting for paternity tests, so we don't know yet, but it's looking likely. The girl is 22 years old.

I want him to go and have a relationship with his daughter, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for the family life. They say they don't want anything, but I'm not sure. 

Anyway, I'm not trying to cause trouble. I'm just sitting on the sidelines and letting them get on with it. I know this is a sensitive topic for some. Still, it brings me to the question: 

Is it ethical to leave someone because you don't want kids? 

Please, only logical responses to this. If you get angry at this post, then don't answer. This is a question of ethics and obligations only. It's not about whether he should have a relationship with her. He should do whatever he wants, and she has a right to know. Again, simply is it ethical to leave someone because you don't want kids?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can't follow who the "they" are, and what the relationships are. 

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Too vague (your post).

Who are you in this story? Who are they?


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

She is already grown. Are you worried about any future financial obligations? Or is it that you don't want this young lady and any potential grandchildren at your holiday gatherings?


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Well, none of the above. I just want to know if it's ethical to leave someone because of a kid scenario. I just don't want a family type thing, and I never did. I really, really, really, really (can't type really enough times or fast enough) want kids or a kid type scenario. Yes, she's grown, but I don't expect it to be that simple. And my husband should be able to do what he wants without a damper personality. I want him to be free and happy. I want him take her to the family reunions and whatever.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So the two of you are just finding out now that he has a 22 year old daughter? And you're considering leaving him because of this person being involved to some degree in his life (to a yet to be determined amount)?

Assuming my interpretation is correct, wanting out now seems like you're looking for an excuse to get out. You're not talking about having a 6 year old over for 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off... You don't even know what kind of issues there might be. It does seem "unethical" to consider bailing before you know that there's a problem.

C


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Every situation is different.

If it were dating someone and found out they have a child or want children and you don't then - leave so you both can be happy having or not having said kids. Same if you married each other with the agreement that you would have no children then find out as your or his biological clock is ticking that one wants a child. Then by all means, that was a deal breaker you discussed before marriage...and would be better for both to part company.

BUT - in your situation you married him for better or for worse.
He is now "possibly" finding out he has a 22 year old.
It wasn't something HE planned, had no clue about (we are assuming) etc.

She is over 18 - doubtful that any back child support will come about. OR if the state/fed is forcing the issue of the mom finding out paternity so that the State/fed can recoup any Federal monies paid to her on the child's behalf (TANF) then he's going to need a good lawyer (IF IT IS HIS CHILD) to prove that he had no clue and was deprived of having a relationship or anything with the kid he knew nothing about.

If you truly loved your spouse this would just be one of those things you weather together. 

She is 22 and not a KID. You actually might be surprised at how wonderful a person she might be and you may find that you could actually have a really cool relationship with her.

All speculation until the paternity test is revealed.

I do agree with the other posters, in that it sounds to me like you are fishing for an excuse to leave him. If that is the case, well who cares whether ethical or not, you've already decided that you don't want anything to do with someone who has a child.

Since the child is 22 then I'm guessing that you both are in your late thirties at least....so good luck meeting a new man who doesn't have children nor wants them. Most in your dating pool will have grown children. Those that don't have children will probably have never been in a long term relationship and that brings up a whole new can of worms.

I hope you figure it out. I'd certainly be as honest about whatever it is you decide with your spouse.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I am 46, and I don't have kids and I don't want to raise kids. However, if I were in a good marriage, I would never even _consider _leaving my husband if he just found out he had a 22 year old daughter. I wouldn't walk away from a good relationship with someone I love. I wouldn't want to lose him.

I wouldn't leave even if the child were younger, but I most certainly wouldn't do so for an adult child.

It sounds like you aren't really committed to your husband to begin with, or maybe things are already rocky between you and this is adding to it. A lot of unexpected or undesirable things happen in life, but committing to a marriage means you are committing to weathering them together.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

OK, it still was a bit confusing after you second post.

What you're saying is that you husband recently discovered he might be the father of a 22 y/o daughter and paternity tests will tell him for sure now.

Your question is if that's worth divorcing him over? I guess if you can't get over that then yes, don't punish him. But it is a bit crazy to not be able to get over. It's not like you're setting up house and suddenly becoming the step mom raising a kid.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Hmm yea.. Need more information we are all guessing at your problems, please clarify. 

My guess you two are twenty to twenty two and you just found he is having a paternity test done with an old girlfriend before you met? 

It's not really different if your married to him or not. You could leave him if you do not want or feel ready to deal with a child. Either way you didn't sign up for the baby. Fill us in please we're all a little confused and want to give you opinions based on all the information.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

I agree, which is why I simply would never date. I would just stay single for the rest of my life. 

I agree that walking away from a good marriage is not a sound decision. And, you're right. There are some things going on here that make it easier to consider leaving him. I would have stayed and worked it out, as we do have a pretty good thing, but I just know this going to make things worse.

Well, anyway, thanks for all your input. I guess I know more clearly what it is that I have to consider.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> Hmm yea.. Need more information we are all guessing at your problems, please clarify.
> 
> My guess you two are twenty to twenty two and you just found he is having a paternity test done with an old girlfriend before you met?
> 
> It's not really different if your married to him or not. You could leave him if you do not want or feel ready to deal with a child. Either way you didn't sign up for the baby. Fill us in please we're all a little confused and want to give you opinions based on all the information.


Hi, thanks for answering my question. This is exactly what I was looking for. I don't really want to give details. I just want to discuss the ethics of leaving someone because one doesn't want kids. Plain and simple. Plus, I'm sure all of you could fill in whatever blanks quite easily, as I'm sure you've all heard it before. No, I don't want kids, family, people hanging around. I just want a plain and quiet, simple life. That's all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

oscuranotte said:


> Hi, thanks for answering my question. This is exactly what I was looking for. I don't really want to give details. I just want to discuss the ethics of leaving someone because one doesn't want kids. Plain and simple. Plus, I'm sure all of you could fill in whatever blanks quite easily, as I'm sure you've all heard it before. No, I don't want kids, family, people hanging around. I just want a plain and quiet, simple life. That's all.


This would be the "for worse" part of your wedding vows that you promised to stick with him through, then. 

Only you can decide whether you want to try to make it work. If you can't, then you'll have to let him go, I guess.

C


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

oscuranotte said:


> Hi, thanks for answering my question. This is exactly what I was looking for. I don't really want to give details. I just want to discuss the ethics of leaving someone because one doesn't want kids. Plain and simple. Plus, I'm sure all of you could fill in whatever blanks quite easily, as I'm sure you've all heard it before. No, I don't want kids, family, people hanging around. I just want a plain and quiet, simple life. That's all.


You might think about what you wrote.
You don't want kids, FAMILY, PEOPLE hanging around.

So are you then wanting your spouse/SO to not have relationships with his Family or friends? Are you forbading him from having his family or yours from even visiting your home?

You might do the Whoopi Goldberg thing that she does now - Be single and when you are done having sex send them back home.
Nothing wrong with being and staying single if that is what you want.

Sounds like you have a lot of things to think about and decide.

I applaud you for one thing - that you know you don't want children and you aren't having any.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> You might think about what you wrote.
> You don't want kids, FAMILY, PEOPLE hanging around.
> 
> So are you then wanting your spouse/SO to not have relationships with his Family or friends? Are you forbading him from having his family or yours from even visiting your home?
> ...


Lol, thanks for your response. No, I would never tell him not to do something, but I do struggle a lot with family obligations (or in my case: very close friends). He never wanted to do anything with mine, and I was okay with that because I didn't want to do anything with his either. But then, later, it became impossible, as I'm sure you can imagine. So I struggle a lot with having to do family things with him while he's completely free of doing friendly things with me. Constantly, I'm trying get out of things, but squirmingly and with a jolly smile, I do what's expected of me.

But I'm okay if he goes out and has a life. That's great.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

PBear said:


> This would be the "for worse" part of your wedding vows that you promised to stick with him through, then.
> 
> Only you can decide whether you want to try to make it work. If you can't, then you'll have to let him go, I guess.
> 
> C


"This would be the "for worse" part of your wedding vows that you promised to stick with him through, then. "

I know, which is why I feel guilty for these feelings. If he'd been maimed or stricken with cancer, I'd be there. Yet, for some reason, this is something that is burning me up inside. I'm dreading this whole thing. 

I know it's silly when we haven't had the tests yet, but there are some things the lady has said that leads me to believe that she either already knows he's the father, or has always suspected that the guy she claimed is her father is not. 

And my husband is not a straightforward guy. For example, he never mentioned paternity tests, so I brought it up. Then told him he should ask them both before creating relationships with them. When they called, he refused to bring it up because he wanted to be respectful and discuss it in person, but I don't know. I know my husband is probably socializing and not getting down to business. He's the kind of guy who takes the path of least resistance and no conflict. It's frustrating.

Of course, then there's always the idea that he isn't being straightforward because he knew all along, lol. Not that it matters as it was before me when they hooked up and she had a child. 

And yes, I'm 35 and he's 47.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OP is making lots of assumptions about family ties and family life. In reality, when you have an emotionally healthy family situation, regardless of the nature and number of participants, everyone's needs are taken into account. Nobody will force you to go to these so-called reunions and so forth. And you can talk to an attorney and an accountant about any $ and elder care arrangements. I'd be cool with having a husband with a grown kid, less onus on me if he needs long term care or is in hospital, there is another person to visit and help. Have been through that and it's not pretty. You should think about what it is you might have and consider some of the benefits before knee-jerking about the imagined costs.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't really see why anyone is guilt tripping here. They don't have kids so if she doesn't want to stay married to him she doesn't have to. Her reasoning doesn't matter. It's a lot less ethical to remain in a situation that makes you miserable then to suck it up and make everyone miserable. OP, you just have to decide if what you get from your relationship is worth dealing with this. That's your call and nobody else's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> OP is making lots of assumptions about family ties and family life. In reality, when you have an emotionally healthy family situation, regardless of the nature and number of participants, everyone's needs are taken into account. Nobody will force you to go to these so-called reunions and so forth. And you can talk to an attorney and an accountant about any $ and elder care arrangements. I'd be cool with having a husband with a grown kid, less onus on me if he needs long term care or is in hospital, there is another person to visit and help. Have been through that and it's not pretty. You should think about what it is you might have and consider some of the benefits before knee-jerking about the imagined costs.


"Imagined costs" 

There is always a cost to each and every action, and especially when people get involved. Yes, people expect people to show respect and appear at family functions and gatherings. If you were a mother in law, for example, and your daughter in law never showed up to reunions or for Sunday dinner, it might be taken wrong. I do skip out on a few of these things, but I try to be there for important ones. 

Elder care and all that is fine. This sort of thing doesn't bother me. 

But I do suspect that they, meaning the girl and her mother, are going to want to integrate their selves with his life. And my husband is not a stand up guy - mean he can't refuse people. Besides that, though, I want him to have a relationship with them. I just don't want to be bothered with it. When we got married, we both made it clear that we didn't want kids. I'm just not sure that I'm ready to deal with this or the possible ramifications. By ramifications, I mean not only having a girl hanging around, but she's also into drugs and has other problems. Combine that with the mother, I just don't trust them and would rather stay away. She's been married 5 times and said the one she thought was her dad was "****" and that's why she's hoping my husband's the father. 

But anyway, these things are all personal issues and haven't any bearing on my struggle. The struggle is, say if things get too miserable for me, is it ethical to leave because of my husband's kid?

Okay, guess it doesn't let you curse. She called him a four letter word that starts with a D.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> She doesn't have to stay married, even if they have children. I agree with you. I personally think she just needed some help to make the best decision she could for herself.
> 
> It's all opinion, in the end.


You're right, it's not a matter of whether it's ethical or right or wrong; in the end she and hb both have to live with the decision. She should give it careful thought before making such a decision. .I sense more to this story though; he doesn't want anything to do with her family and she doesn't want anything to do with his? Doesn't seem right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

oscuranotte said:


> Hi, thanks for answering my question. This is exactly what I was looking for. I don't really want to give details. I just want to discuss the ethics of leaving someone because one doesn't want kids.


You want answers but you don't want to provide details? This is an anonymous internet forum, no one knows who you are and if you want useful advice you can't be so cryptic. You have everyone guessing at who is pregant with whose kid.



oscuranotte said:


> Okay, so recently, a situation has arisen. We are waiting for paternity tests, so we don't know yet, but it's looking likely. The girl is 22 years old.
> 
> I want him to go and have a relationship with his daughter, but I'm not sure that I'm ready for the family life.


I was thinking he got his own daughter pregnant and she was going to move in with daddy and you. In which case my advice would be to bail.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> You're right, it's not a matter of whether it's ethical or right or wrong; in the end she and hb both have to live with the decision. She should give it careful thought before making such a decision. .I sense more to this story though; he doesn't want anything to do with her family and she doesn't want anything to do with his? Doesn't seem right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We're both recluses. There's nothing more to it. We had an agreement and that's that. Meaning we like our own spaces. Basically, I prefer to be alone. He prefers to be alone. We prefer to be alone. 

But my husband is also a pushover. Whenever there's strife, it's up to me. But there are times when it's not my place to interfere, and this is one of them.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> You want answers but you don't want to provide details? This is an anonymous internet forum, no one knows who you are and if you want useful advice you can't be so cryptic. You have everyone guessing at who is pregant with whose kid.
> 
> 
> 
> I was thinking he got his own daughter pregnant and she was going to move in with daddy and you. In which case my advice would be to bail.


I disagree. My question was simply is it ethical to leave because of the kid. Nothing else. I guess you'd like details, but they are not necessary. I'm not looking to go into the mundane.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> x2 had a daughter who wormed her way into our marriage. She affected out income levels, our home life, our relationship, our respect for each other. She created situations that an older, supposedly grown-up, young woman would not be expected to create. She affected our marriage negatively by involving her father in our marriage with continual phone calls regarding her proper care, which, by that time, should not have been an issue.
> 
> It was ridiculous. She had a good job and wanted to live on her own. Then, decided she was going to do something really stupid, and lost her job. She then needed someone to take care of her for a while. I had no designs on living with someone else's children and raising them. I made that perfectly clear before marriage and it was received with respect and accepted, until after we were married.
> 
> I could say so much more. You have to make the decision that is best for you. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything you don't want.


Yes, that's terrible, what happened to you. I saw this once with my own friend, actually. My friend was adopted. She wanted to reach out to her father. We both came to Arkansas. She was a nightmare and then left. I stayed behind. I got on really well with her parents, but I know my friend is impossible. 

But that was not all: there were all the years before. She would call and ask for money. She would run out and always call them when things went wrong. Then they took her in for free. And this was only a few years ago, and she was in her late twenties. Oh man, it was terrible. 

When I was in my late teens, I met my father after years. It was okay. We hung out and we didn't have anything common, so we didn't stay in touch very well. But it went okay and we know each other and that was that. But with my friend, and with another friend I know, it was a nightmare. So yeah, I am taking this very seriously. Both times, they were in their twenties. Some people don't grow up. This girl is into drugs and all kinds of other problems.

Funny, because I just wanted to talk about the ethics of it, but here I am giving all the details, lol. But you know, it's actually kind of a relief to vent.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

oscuranotte said:


> I disagree. My question was simply is it ethical to leave because of the kid. Nothing else. I guess you'd like details, but they are not necessary. I'm not looking to go into the mundane.


Yes it's ethical. 

Good a reason as any other.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Okay, how about this: 

Is it better to interfere or walk away? 

Interfere or walk away? Cause an explosion or stay mum and go to a peaceful place? 

If one interferes, he or she is the bad guy. If one walks away, he or she is the bad guy but with peace of mind.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why do you care if you're seen as a bad guy by a person you walked away from?

Once you leave, you have your life, he has his life. If he's going to be bitter and stew about it and think all these horrible things about you, well that's his problem for renting you free space inside his head.

Once you leave, you're no longer together, and you're free to think about other things besides what he might be thinking about.

If you're going to leave, there's no point in interfering or causing an explosion or whatever. 

You could sit with him and explain this isn't what you signed up for, and he's gotta make a decision. He can't have everyone in his life. 

That way, you gave him the option and you can sleep better at nite.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> from dictionary.com:
> 
> 
> Marriage and Domestic Partnership (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)


Thanks for the link. Maybe it'll help. I think you all helped me already.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Why do you care if you're seen as a bad guy by a person you walked away from?
> 
> Once you leave, you have your life, he has his life. If he's going to be bitter and stew about it and think all these horrible things about you, well that's his problem for renting you free space inside his head.
> 
> ...


Actually, to stay is to cause an explosion - because I'd have to make my issues known. The question was stay and cause problems or walk away and have peace.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

oscuranotte said:


> Actually, to stay is to cause an explosion - because I'd have to make my issues known. The question was stay and cause problems or walk away and have peace.


You can't make your issues known without an explosion?

Is that because you don't know how to discuss things in a calm, rational, adult manner, or because he doesn't?

Or both?


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Glad I waited to post as details do help (it's tough on the OP when we know nothing and replies can seem a tad judgemental!) 

The way I'd look at it is - if this adult daughter (with her mother in tow!) causes stress between you and your husband and takes you to a place where you don't wish to be - yes of course, leave if you want.

Some posts are mentioning about the commitments you made - but your husband also made commitments (guessing this would be the 'or for worse' for you too!) 

If your H can't/ doesn't respect the fact that you just don't want this kinda of hassle (drugs/difficult relationships etc) in your life then you have to put yourself first.

I'm adopted and my natural parents married after I was given up. They went on to have 7 other children, mostly decent - I met them all years ago but have no contact with them now, not out of any wild or weird reason - just my life worked better without them in it.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

lenzi said:


> You can't make your issues known without an explosion?
> 
> Is that because you don't know how to discuss things in a calm, rational, adult manner, or because he doesn't?
> 
> Or both?


People always say and brag about being rational, but it never ends that way. That goes for my husband as well. Conflict doesn't bother me. I think it's knowing that it doesn't change anything. This is one fixture that cannot be fixed. I guess on one hand, you could ask, then why bring it up if it can't be fixed? 

But I couldn't just overlook these things, so it becomes a choice of stay and fight it down or walk away and keep the peace. Yes, though I guess it's just up to me. But it does help to know that some think it isn't unreasonable under some circumstances. I guess I was looking for a little reassurance

And again, thanks to you and everyone for responding. Some of my anger and fears are going into these keys. It's helping, lol.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Willowfin said:


> Glad I waited to post as details do help (it's tough on the OP when we know nothing and replies can seem a tad judgemental!)
> 
> The way I'd look at it is - if this adult daughter (with her mother in tow!) causes stress between you and your husband and takes you to a place where you don't wish to be - yes of course, leave if you want.
> 
> ...


Thank you. It was the same with me and my father. We just didn't have anything in common.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

What a strange thread indeed. I've always wondered what would happen if a woman from my past showed up with a child that I was unaware of. I can't imagine my wife handling it with a smile by any means.

You are selling yourself short by not talking to your husband about it. He may share your view point after some interactions with her. I have had friends who had women show up with kids that were teenagers that were "theirs" but the ended up not really having any sort of real relationship with them. At 22 years old I doubt that a really strong bond of any sort will be made unless your husband really puts himself out there.

As a recluse who is more than likely happy with his recluse of a wife, I doubt he will really want an "intruder" to barge into your lives.

What is his take on the whole thing?


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Kolors said:


> What a strange thread indeed. I've always wondered what would happen if a woman from my past showed up with a child that I was unaware of. I can't imagine my wife handling it with a smile by any means.
> 
> You are selling yourself short by not talking to your husband about it. He may share your view point after some interactions with her. I have had friends who had women show up with kids that were teenagers that were "theirs" but the ended up not really having any sort of real relationship with them. At 22 years old I doubt that a really strong bond of any sort will be made unless your husband really puts himself out there.
> 
> ...


First, I really appreciated your comment because it did give me a spark of hope that maybe he might be uncomfortable about the situation. The problem is he's not a talker, so it's hard to say. If I press him too much, he gets explosive. So I just keep my mouth shut after a while. 

But knowing him, I'm sure he will not turn them away no matter if things get weird. I'm not sure if he has a heart of gold or if he's spineless. I think he's caught in between being both. In fact, he would have never even brought up the paternity test if I hadn't pushed him to it. Further, he's a pushover for other people, but to me, he's resistant. I guess he sees me as a bit tyrannical. But it's because I often have to step up for him, and this frustrates me immensely. For example, if he were to buy a faulty tool or something, I would have to take it back. He'd rather throw money away than address an issue. If he were to get an extra erroneous charge of $100 on his phone bill, he'd pay it rather than call the phone company.

He's kind of in denial about the situation. She's 22, into drugs, never been to school and has several kids that were taken away. Husband keeps saying that they don't want anything from him so he's not going to worry. The kid is trying to get sober so she can get her kids back, so this is good at least. Still, they have contradicted themselves by saying they don't want anything to do with him or from him, and that no matter what, she considers another guy her real father. Yet, they are contacting him constantly, and want to hook up with him facebook and etc. I've warned him that this is going to progress and he needs to think about what he's willing to do, or not to do, and get back to me. In other words, how far and how much help he's willing to give. I hate to say it, but this is too much thinking for him.

My husband is resistant to see that though they don't want anything, they are indeed getting something - his life. They are integrating themselves when they don't know if he's her father or not. They didn't offer to pay for, nor ask, for a paternity test. He's shelling out the cash. He doesn't think it's suspicious that they called and basically wanted to meet, to tell him he's possibly her father but didn't want to have any tests done. Why? Because they already know he's the father, or because there is something else going on here?

In any case, I'm not upset or worried about him wanting to help - even if she's not his daughter. It's just that my husband is such a friggin' pushover, this puts me in the position of not only baby-ing my husband, but also having to play bad guy to these other people. And I know that my husband would not take my side, would not turn down money requests or letting them move in. 

Well, anyway, yes, I've basically told you that husband a p word. Lol. He's a great guy, but he's not a take charge type.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

So I guess that's everything. How to deal with a possible invasion when you're pawns are like silly dogs rather than soldiers. Lol.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, after reading your posts and thinking about this I think you should end the marriage. If you're that big of a recluse that you don't talk to your own family you're not going to be happy here. His daughter will come around, probably for money if she's into drugs, and from what you've said about your hb he won't have the sack to so anything about it even if he was uncomfortable. And since you're the heavy as far as handling stuff he's going to blame you for all things uncomfortable. I don't think you can win here, even if you make your feelings known he doesn't have it in him to fight any battles for his own feelings let alone yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, after reading your posts and thinking about this I think you should end the marriage. If you're that big of a recluse that you don't talk to your own family you're not going to be happy here. His daughter will come around, probably for money if she's into drugs, and from what you've said about your hb he won't have the sack to so anything about it even if he was uncomfortable. And since you're the heavy as far as handling stuff he's going to blame you for all things uncomfortable. I don't think you can win here, even if you make your feelings known he doesn't have it in him to fight any battles for his own feelings let alone yours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. You are spot on. Thank you. Every word about the battles, his feeling mine, me being the point of blame. Thank you. The clarity is a relief.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

oscuranotte said:


> "Imagined costs"
> 
> There is always a cost to each and every action, and especially when people get involved. Yes, people expect people to show respect and appear at family functions and gatherings. If you were a mother in law, for example, and your daughter in law never showed up to reunions or for Sunday dinner, it might be taken wrong. I do skip out on a few of these things, but I try to be there for important ones.
> 
> ...


Yah, if people are showing up on the doorstep and they have a lot of issues, are making claims and taking steps without facts (paternity test) and digging up history and making all kinds of waves and creating stress, texting, calling, FBing etc. and trying to bond without establishing kinship and your H is opening himself up to it and not taking into account your own boundaries in your established relationship with him in your own home, then I would do the same as you. I would want to leave. In fact, I would probably move into a small studio apartment and tell him to come visit when and if he was done with his drama (paternity tests established and decisions made, or in this case sounds like lessons learned. People always say they don't want anything. But seriously, these people sound like they need something. They are preying on his emotions. If they really didn't want anything, they would have sent a letter through an attorney asking him if he wanted to undertake a paternity test, and giving him the full details, including all the drug use stuff.) It's people like these that make you want to change your name and social security number and move far away.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Yah, if people are showing up on the doorstep and they have a lot of issues, are making claims and taking steps without facts (paternity test) and digging up history and making all kinds of waves and creating stress, texting, calling, FBing etc. and trying to bond without establishing kinship and your H is opening himself up to it and not taking into account your own boundaries in your established relationship with him in your own home, then I would do the same as you. I would want to leave. In fact, I would probably move into a small studio apartment and tell him to come visit when and if he was done with his drama (paternity tests established and decisions made, or in this case sounds like lessons learned. People always say they don't want anything. But seriously, these people sound like they need something. They are preying on his emotions. If they really didn't want anything, they would have sent a letter through an attorney asking him if he wanted to undertake a paternity test, and giving him the full details, including all the drug use stuff.) It's people like these that make you want to change your name and social security number and move far away.


Exactly to everything you've written! Especially this: People always say they don't want anything. Yes, I have considered that they are sincere, but it just does not make sense to go to all this trouble if there's nothing to it. Plus, I've already learned a hard lesson: Don't trust people who are into hardcore drugs. 

"I would want to leave. In fact, I would probably move into a small studio apartment and tell him to come visit when and if he was done with his drama (paternity tests established and decisions made, or in this case sounds like lessons learned."

I told him exactly that I"m moving out until he get this situation figured out. We can kind of visit, if he wants to, which would give me a chance to see how this new situation plays out. Then I can decide for sure. I'm already looking at apartments in town. I will definitely let you all know what the results of the paternity test is, and what the outcome of this situation is. Thanks so much for your response.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

oscuranotte said:


> Exactly to everything you've written! Especially this: People always say they don't want anything. Yes, I have considered that they are sincere, but it just does not make sense to go to all this trouble if there's nothing to it. Plus, I've already learned a hard lesson: Don't trust people who are into hardcore drugs.
> 
> "I would want to leave. In fact, I would probably move into a small studio apartment and tell him to come visit when and if he was done with his drama (paternity tests established and decisions made, or in this case sounds like lessons learned."
> 
> I told him exactly that I"m moving out until he get this situation figured out. We can kind of visit, if he wants to, which would give me a chance to see how this new situation plays out. Then I can decide for sure. I'm already looking at apartments in town. I will definitely let you all know what the results of the paternity test is, and what the outcome of this situation is. Thanks so much for your response.


I agree with you. These people are nuts. Who thinks, well, I already have a guy I call dad and I don't want a replacement, and I'm doing drugs. I have a lot of issues so I'm soooooo ready to put time and effort into establishing a relationship with my theoretical, unproven sperm donor. Even though I'm 22.

For all you know, these people got their identities off of a social website for a high school reunion and have been scripting as they go. I smell a rat. You should insist on moving your share of liquid assets into a protected account and also consult an attorney on laying claim to your share of the joint marital assets. It sounds as though he's going to be taken for a ride.

These people sound exactly like my biological relatives, bad news and money hungry. Don't worry if people say you're not nice or whatever. You didn't create this mess, you shouldn't have to deal with it, and you should take steps to protect the peaceful life you did create for yourself. We only get so much time in life, and when it's peaceful, it's good. For Better or For Worse I don't think applies here. Unless it is to try to slap some sense into your H. But by protecting your assets and steering clear, at lease you'll have something to offer him once they hang him out to dry.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

OP, even if you were not a self proclaimed recluse your situation is very difficult. 
These people obviously want something out of your husband. Even with the best possible scenario, I doubt you will be happy having a 22 year old girl in your pleasant life.
You are not a bad person, do not let people guilt you into believing you are, you know what makes you happy and ultimately only you can make yourself happy.
My question is though: Why come out now all of a sudden? Why wait 22 years?


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> My question is though: Why come out now all of a sudden? Why wait 22 years?


I think the mother and grandmother of this girl want to find a father figure for her, as the guy who raised her has been dead for a number of years. The man was also into drugs. I asked my husband, "hasn't it occurred to you that all those years ago, when she got pregnant, she chose this other guy over you? She literally though, 'hmm. this could be either of these guys. I'm gonna hope it's this guy who does drugs.' Now, she only wants you to be the father because she hates her deceased husband? Doesn't it seem odd that she's calling him all nasty names?" She's with someone but isn't married. I do wonder if maybe she thinks she can steal my husband. 

The girl wants to know who her father is. I can relate, as I went through the same thing. I remembered my father, but didn't understand why he left. Later, I learned that it was because of my mother. She's not all there. I learned that there were some neglect and abuse issues -which was why my older brother got adopted away. I didn't know i had an older brother until I was about 14 which was when he found me. I lived with my mother until 14, and then went into foster care, myself, and then a group home for similar reasons.

My mother refused to tell me anything about my father or family - where I came from. I wasn't going to press the issue because I just wanted to be left alone. However, I didn't have a choice because, as standard procedure, social services was required to notify my father because A: my parents were married at one point and B. He'd paid thousands in child support over the years and did apparently have parental rights, though he chose not to exercise them. 

Basically, my father reached out to me with a surprising and unexpected birthday card for my 16th birthday, I think it was, and a hundred bucks. His wife was nice but struggling with years of cancer that came and went. Our situation worked out well, even though we lost touch. We just didn't have anything in common. We had a positive experience, I think, so I wouldn't be totally put off by the idea of a lost child coming into the picture, but these guys are crude and disgusting. I don't want them sitting on my couch. I don't want them knowing where we live. Too late for these things though. 

My husband had a fairly normal life. He has no idea what he could possibly be in for.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

oscuranotte said:


> I think the mother and grandmother of this girl want to find a father figure for her, as the guy who raised her has been dead for a number of years. The man was also into drugs. I asked my husband, "hasn't it occurred to you that all those years ago, when she got pregnant, she chose this other guy over you? She literally though, 'hmm. this could be either of these guys. I'm gonna hope it's this guy who does drugs.' Now, she only wants you to be the father because she hates her deceased husband? Doesn't it seem odd that she's calling him all nasty names?" She's with someone but isn't married. I do wonder if maybe she thinks she can steal my husband.
> 
> The girl wants to know who her father is. I can relate, as I went through the same thing. I remembered my father, but didn't understand why he left. Later, I learned that it was because of my mother. She's not all there. I learned that there were some neglect and abuse issues -which was why my older brother got adopted away. I didn't know i had an older brother until I was about 14 which was when he found me. I lived with my mother until 14, and then went into foster care, myself, and then a group home for similar reasons.
> 
> ...


You have achieved my dream - a happy peaceful marriage after a difficult and disturbing childhood. I would protect that as well. I have a peaceful life but only with my children, no marriage. If I had a marriage like yours with a husband who had no history (and thus also, no clue...) I would protect it too.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You have achieved my dream - a happy peaceful marriage after a difficult and disturbing childhood. I would protect that as well. I have a peaceful life but only with my children, no marriage. If I had a marriage like yours with a husband who had no history (and thus also, no clue...) I would protect it too.


This especially: If I had a marriage like yours with a husband who had no history. However, this was just luck for me, I think. For many years, I swore I'd never get married and even turned down several proposals. For you, your situation is much better than mine, and I envy you. Your kids will always be a better support than a husband. Not because I hate men or husbands or look down on them, but because it seems to me that partnerships must end. Be it business, friends, etc., even families lose touch. However, a natural upbringing between parent and child will always be there. If I had the capacity, a child would always be a better choice.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> If I had the capacity, a child would always be a better choice.


Are you talking about emotional or physical capacity? or both?
There is always adoption but coming from your background, I would think it would be difficult and perhaps painful.

I do too agree with Homemaker


> a happy peaceful marriage after a difficult and disturbing childhood. I would protect that as well. I have a peaceful life but only with my children, no marriage. If I had a marriage like yours with a husband who had no history (and thus also, no clue...) I would protect it too.


That kind of marriage must be protected. Although, sometimes it cannot be, and we must continue with our lives (I am talking from experience). 
I actually feel very connected to you because I had a similar situation in my marriage.

Good luck to you. Do not doubt yourself. You must do what makes you happy.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Just a quick update about how this has all played out, in case someone is wondering. 

I did pack and was ready to leave, but then, an ice storm hit. I couldn't go anywhere. What luck, right? We were on generators for a couple days. The roads were completely iced over. The train station, closed, airports, closed.

Anyway, being faced with each other, we had no choice but to talk. During which, my husband agreed to put the brakes on this roller coaster if I'd calm down and stick around. So anyway, I did, but then, through a number of other circumstances, we - or rather he - finally saw that getting involved would be a big mistake. 

He decided not to take the paternity test, as by law, he's not required to. He still felt obligated to have a relationship with the girl because she might be his daughter. I said that was okay but warned him to be careful because the more time he spent with her, the more obligated he might feel. I told him not to make any decisions regarding any requests without consulting me, especially if it was not something simple like going for dinner or coffee or something. 

Well, guess what, a few hours later, he came to me and told me he wasn't ready. He was just doing it out of obligation and that he needed my help in telling them to go away. It was a very strange turn around because I was totally okay with it. I thought we'd settled it, and then he sprung this, "I don't want to do it," thing. I can only guess that something must have happened. I know he was mad because she told his mother, and she's kind of conservative so she wasn't happy. Plus, the girl's mother was texting him and calling him often. I pressed him for answers, but he swears it's just that he doesn't want anything to do with them, and that he was only agreeing to these things because he was ashamed. But in his heart, he doesn't want to be a father to this girl, or even a friend because he doesn't want her looking at him like a father.

Anyway, I gave him a couple days to change his mind. He didn't, so I sent the girl's mother an email, telling her that we don't want kids, that it was a condition we'd had even before marriage, and that we don't want anything to do with any of them because of their drug use and other issues.

So anyway, hopefully, this issues is permanently resolved. I haven't heard from them, and neither has my husband - as far as I know.

Anyway, thanks to all.


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