# male input on impact on libido, adult kids home



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Dh and I are in the process of remodeling a home. We are ordering new doors with locks.
l
.I'm curious to hear if middle age dad's libidos are affected by teen/adult kids home and around when you and s/o are trying to have "alone time". Dh has been telling me he's uncomfortable being intimate when the kids are up (ie he hears them talking in the house) and wants to wait until they go to bed, which is after 11. I can't stay up that late. He does tell me to wake him up ( I get up at 4:45.am) That doesn't work well either because he doesn' t wake up easily or I have to get ready for work.

He tells me he enjoys our intimate times, but not with kids home ( another month of that). I'm not in a sexless marriage, but also wonder if this is an "out". If we're quiet, I don't care if kids are around. Dh says he "can't " get his mind right and connect when kids are awake. I'm trying hard not to see this as a reasonable excuse, but nevertheless an excuse. I have been initiating and wonder if I should back down, let him approach me and stop approaching until he does. We do enjoy each other, when I express interest and the time is "right " for dh. Trying not to spiral and think he's showing me he's not into me and trying not to hurt me.

I'm reserved by nature. Trying to get past this and working on it.

So are kids typically a buzz kill? or am I right to think this isn't about the kids. Not in the greatest place right now, so I'll check in later.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Everybody is different. If he is expressing the need for privacy in order to be intimate, that's his need. 

I don't think most men are bothered by kids in other rooms, as long as it doesn't get too loud.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Your thought is my thought. And we aren't loud. Which drives me fear that while he says he loves me, and enjoys sex, I don't do it for him. I don't think he has the heart to tell me this. I believe I'm a good mom, friend, help mate, but not into me sexually. As evidenced by my initiating and him slowly not responding. So now I have to figure out if I am ok with it, if I'm a "mountain maker" or my gut is right that he's into someone else. And it really, really sucks.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I are in the process of remodeling a home. We are ordering new doors with locks.
> l
> .I'm curious to hear if middle age dad's libidos are affected by teen/adult kids home and around when you and s/o are trying to have "alone time". Dh has been telling me he's uncomfortable being intimate when the kids are up (ie he hears them talking in the house) and wants to wait until they go to bed, which is after 11. I can't stay up that late. He does tell me to wake him up ( I get up at 4:45.am) That doesn't work well either because he doesn' t wake up easily or I have to get ready for work.
> 
> ...


Not impacted now, wasn't impacted when kids were growing up. Quiet times, nap times were addressed as normal and healthy, not made a big deal.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So it seems it's me. and now I need to figure out the way to let him know I'd rather let him go and be happy then to make a fool of myself for a man that doesn't want me. That's life. We can't control who we romantically love. I'm not willing to force him to pretend the rest of his life. He's the love of my life. I want no one else. He tells me he only has love for me, he's sexually attracted and he wants sex. But it only happens when I initiate on his schedule. Which seems to me like I"m not the one for him. At least not enough for him.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

snowbum said:


> So it seems it's me. and now I need to figure out the way to let him know I'd rather let him go and be happy then to make a fool of myself for a man that doesn't want me. That's life. We can't control who we romantically love. I'm not willing to force him to pretend the rest of his life. He's the love of my life. I want no one else. He tells me he only has love for me, he's sexually attracted and he wants sex. But it only happens when I initiate on his schedule. Which seems to me like I"m not the one for him. At least not enough for him.


You really need professional help.
You are all over the map on your anxiety and emotions.
Also a few men will stop by and say they get it up and have sex with their wives daily at age 100. That does mean it will work that way with your husband.
Many men slow down as they age. Many men experience lower testosterone and sex drive and ED. I can't imagine your constantly worrying about his sex would help any of his anxiety about getting older. 

ED or slowing libido can really impact a guys emotional well being. Having a wife that just constantly takes every little action as rejection would too.

Does your therapist think there's a problem with your husband? Do others comment on how your husband treats you poorly?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> So it seems it's me. and now I need to figure out the way to let him know I'd rather let him go and be happy then to make a fool of myself for a man that doesn't want me. That's life. We can't control who we romantically love. I'm not willing to force him to pretend the rest of his life. He's the love of my life. I want no one else. He tells me he only has love for me, he's sexually attracted and he wants sex. But it only happens when I initiate on his schedule. Which seems to me like I"m not the one for him. At least not enough for him.


He just may be more easily satisfied as he gets older. You may be unconsciously seeking prophetic fulfillment of your fears about him not desiring you. You have mentioned that he is willing to have sex with you whenever you want it, so he's not rejecting you. Maybe ask him to initiate a bit more, even just to hold you if he doesn't need the sex often enough to need to initiate.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hmmmmm….. my wife used to be like this, but I’ve seen this be common among women. Obviously not all women of course.

my kids are only 9 years old. I have to admit, I do laugh when my wife is in a compromising position and turns her head to yell at the door “what do you want?” Once our kids knock. Doesn’t bother me. I keep rolling along with my Normal pace regardless of the conversation. I tell my wife that I’m cool if she doesn’t bother answering them at all. Just let them keep knocking. They’ll eventually go away.

I’ll never understand men that turn down their wives, but at the same time OP, you’ve made a lot of threads here where you are constantly on edge. It sounds like both you and your husband either don’t trust each other or you both have a lot of anxiety and could probably use some MC or IC.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Wouldn’t bother me as long as I have a good lock and latch on the door. I’ve had younger kids come and cry at the door and had to stop, dress, and resolve kid issue before returning. I also have a good wireless speaker for music to help drown out the outside world. Ultimately, I think it’s healthy for kids to know that their parents love each other.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Wouldn’t bother me as long as I have a good lock and latch on the door. I’ve had younger kids come and cry at the door and had to stop, dress, and resolve kid issue before returning. I also have a good wireless speaker for music to help drown out the outside world. Ultimately, I think it’s healthy for kids to know that their parents love each other.


I'll be damned. 

I'm in full agreement with CatholicDad here. 

I do think the kids need to know that mom and dad love each other and sometimes they need some alone time in their bedroom.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Some people just can't relax when kids are up and about in the house. 
How about having sex when they are out? Presumably they do go out being they are adults?

I do think that as usual you are worrying about nothing and seeing things that aren't there.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I realize I"m all over the place. and honestly this started 6 months ago. Counselor saw us both and saw nothing of mention. I've never been on meds in my life. I know they can help. My fear is that ( and I know I said fear, the problem itself) is they won't fix the problem. I am getting help. I'm in counseling. I need more than that. This level of anxiety is new. IF you never had, you don't understand it. It's not rational, makes no sense. I want it to switch off and be done with it. 

This isn't the place for me, but I do thank those who answered.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I realize I"m all over the place. and honestly this started 6 months ago. Counselor saw us both and saw nothing of mention. I've never been on meds in my life. I know they can help. My fear is that ( and I know I said fear, the problem itself) is they won't fix the problem. I am getting help. I'm in counseling. I need more than that. This level of anxiety is new. IF you never had, you don't understand it. It's not rational, makes no sense. I want it to switch off and be done with it.
> 
> This isn't the place for me, but I do thank those who answered.


Don't be so hard on yourself.

You don't have anything to be ashamed of here. I suffer from severe adhd. That usually comes along with its two asshole friends, anxiety and depression. I know exactly what it feels like to be anxious all the time. It's no fun. Medication can definitely help. I've been on medication for a very long time. Oh well. That's how my brain chemistry works. If it can be fixed with medication, then that is what I'll do. I see no reason to suffer if there is something I can do about it.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry @snowbum and everybody (I’m nuts) but a Catholic man not wanting sex and not going to confession (isn’t this the same guy?) are classic signs of porn use. It’s especially grave if he’s continuing to receive communion.

Yeah, I had to sneak off to confession many times when I was young and dumb. 😞


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

The reason I'm ashamed is because I know how stupid what I think sounds, but it doesn't mean I don' t think it. And 6 m onths ago I wouldn't think this. If meds help I'm better off. and if the issue is resolved, great. If not, I have to deal with it regardless.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snowbum said:


> I realize I"m all over the place. and honestly this started 6 months ago. Counselor saw us both and saw nothing of mention. I've never been on meds in my life. I know they can help. My fear is that ( and I know I said fear, the problem itself) is they won't fix the problem. I am getting help. I'm in counseling. I need more than that. This level of anxiety is new. IF you never had, you don't understand it. It's not rational, makes no sense. I want it to switch off and be done with it.
> 
> This isn't the place for me, but I do thank those who answered.


What started this off 6 months ago? Have you seen a doctor?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> The reason I'm ashamed is because I know how stupid what I think sounds, but it doesn't mean I don' t think it. And 6 m onths ago I wouldn't think this. If meds help I'm better off. and if the issue is resolved, great. If not, I have to deal with it regardless.


This is exactly why I said you have nothing to be ashamed about. Seriously, I mean it. 

Anxiety can be debilitating and you can overwhelm yourself with a problem that simply isn't there. Trust me, I get it. I know exactly what you are feeling like. Don't feel ashamed. Get therapy help or medication. It will help you think more clearly on the things that are causing you anxiety.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CatholicDad said:


> Sorry @snowbum and everybody (I’m nuts) but a Catholic man not wanting sex and not going to confession (isn’t this the same guy?) are classic signs of porn use. It’s especially grave if he’s continuing to receive communion.
> 
> Yeah, I had to sneak off to confession many times when I was young and dumb. 😞


She didn't actually say he doesn't want sex. Just not when the adult children are up and about.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

snowbum said:


> The reason I'm ashamed is because I know how stupid what I think sounds, but it doesn't mean I don' t think it. And 6 m onths ago I wouldn't think this. If meds help I'm better off. and if the issue is resolved, great. If not, I have to deal with it regardless.


You don't have to be sorry. Did something significantly change 6 months ago? 

The phrase just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you comes to mind. 
I know you mentioned a new woman at work. How did the meeting/party with her go?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

snowbum said:


> I realize I"m all over the place. and honestly this started 6 months ago. Counselor saw us both and saw nothing of mention. I've never been on meds in my life. I know they can help. My fear is that ( and I know I said fear, the problem itself) is they won't fix the problem. I am getting help. I'm in counseling. I need more than that. This level of anxiety is new. IF you never had, you don't understand it. It's not rational, makes no sense. I want it to switch off and be done with it.
> 
> This isn't the place for me, but I do thank those who answered.


I want you to know that I completely understand what you are feeling, I've been through it (and still struggle at times), and I doubt that meds will help with this...you are stuck in a mindset problem, like a record player with a skip in it that just keeps repeating over and over again.

You aren't going to get much help here because you don't come back to follow up or have any deeper discussions, or give or receive more information. You drop one topic one day, leave and come back with a new one. You will get more help if you STAY with ONE topic at a time, and respond to the people who post to you. 

Most likely your anxiety level has gotten worse because something changed and triggered your sense of stability. It doesn't even have to be anything with your relationship or husband, or even anything bad...sometimes it's just A CHANGE.

I am willing to talk to you about ways I have learned to handle my emotions and my fears, but I want to see you come back and respond first...I don't want to write a long post to you and have you never read it. I've asked you several questions in your other threads that you never answered. So have others. It's hard to know how to help you if you don't give any more information.

I will wait to see if you respond here.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

snowbum said:


> So it seems it's me. and now I need to figure out the way to let him know I'd rather let him go and be happy then to make a fool of myself for a man that doesn't want me. That's life. We can't control who we romantically love. I'm not willing to force him to pretend the rest of his life. He's the love of my life. I want no one else. He tells me he only has love for me, he's sexually attracted and he wants sex. But it only happens when I initiate on his schedule. Which seems to me like I"m not the one for him. At least not enough for him.


NO NO NO. This is not even close to what your response should be to him. You are seeing danger where there is none.

You are only creating and intensifying your own suffering.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> She didn't actually say he doesn't want sex. Just not when the adult children are up and about.


I know and admit this is pure speculation on my part. But men getting picky about sex, and skipping confession are two fairly serious signs of porn use.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> I know and admit this is pure speculation on my part. But men getting picky about sex, and skipping confession are two fairly serious signs of porn use.


That is some far reaching speculation.

picky about sex? Fine. I'll concede that as a possibility of porn use.

Skipping confession? You are assuming everyone goes to confession. I went to my first confession............

And that's it. I went to my first confession. I was forced to do it by my parents. I can't remember when that happens. 10 years old? 11? I can promise you I wasn't masturbating to porn at that age. I felt nothing but shame and discomfort when I was forced to confess. I remember wanting it to be over as soon as possible. I just made up a bunch of crap to the tell the priest so we could be done. Most catholics I know do not go to confession. I don't see a link here at all between porn use and confession.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Most catholics I know do not go to confession.


Catholics serious about their faith DO go to confession but may quit going when locked in sin. No one wants to confess the same sin over and over to their priest.

Again, I’m only speculating about the porn use here. We’ve got three clues though:

1. hubby picky or aloof about sex
2. Hubby skipping confession
3. Porn traffic stats: “In 2019 alone, the equivalent of nearly 6,650 centuries of porn was consumed on one of the world’s largest porn sites.” 









20 Stats About the Porn Industry and its Underage Consumers


It's no secret that porn has become mainstream entertainment in our society. But just how popular is it? And who, exactly, is watching?




fightthenewdrug.org


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Some people just can't relax when kids are up and about in the house.
> How about having sex when they are out? Presumably they do go out being they are adults?
> 
> I do think that as usual you are worrying about nothing and seeing things that aren't there.



I messaged you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> I know and admit this is pure speculation on my part. But men getting picky about sex, and skipping confession are two fairly serious signs of porn use.


Pretty sure no porn use. He uses work issued computers and has sensitive job. I've seen no searches and it doesn' t fit him. I don't get that sense at all. Could be wrong. I've asked. He' not a fan of oversexualized shows such as GOt, The Witcher, etc. I could be clueless, but I don't think so.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Pretty sure no porn use. He uses work issued computers and has sensitive job. I've seen no searches and it doesn' t fit him. I don't get that sense at all. Could be wrong. I've asked. He' not a fan of oversexualized shows such as GOt, The Witcher, etc. I could be clueless, but I don't think so.


Could he just be asexual to some degree?
On his own, he doesn't need sex. However, he has sex with you to please you.
I'd guess that he might be on the spectrum, because you described a man who lives within his head, more intellectual than physical.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He's very physical and athletic. Until recently he intiated a few times a week. Now I do. Sometimes he's tired, the kids are home, he's still tired, etc. Likes to hold hands and cuddle, but ok with telling me "we're just sleeping tonight" Not asexual. Been together 30 years and this is relatively new. Hence, my anxiety and wondering a few things:
1. is there someone else?
2 is it age?
3. Is it my appearance
4 is it truly my reading a problem where no is.

He says its number 4


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> Catholics serious about their faith DO go to confession but may quit going when locked in sin. No one wants to confess the same sin over and over to their priest.
> 
> Again, I’m only speculating about the porn use here. We’ve got three clues though:
> 
> ...


And I’m saying that confession is simply not a clue.

however, I’ll humor it as a clue. You said it yourself, Catholics that do take their religion seriously do go to confession. Maybe I missed it, but did OP say that he took his religion seriously? Going to mass every Sunday does not constitute taking it seriously. Lots of Catholics do that just because. I know I did. Maybe he doesn’t take it seriously so confession isn’t a factor here.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Well, I'm not in his head. He very much seems to take it seriously. I know he prays, he treats people well, he talks about the homily, and we have religious discussions. We both say adultry is most likely the end of us, on both sides. He has gone to confession with me in the past. I see no porn use, and honestly he really doesn' t seem the type to be an addict to it, fwiw.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Well, I'm not in his head. He very much seems to take it seriously. I know he prays, he treats people well, he talks about the homily, and we have religious discussions. We both say adultry is most likely the end of us, on both sides. He has gone to confession with me in the past. I see no porn use, and honestly he really doesn' t seem the type to be an addict to it, fwiw.


Fair enough. I stand corrected.

In this case, I do think @CatholicDad's reasoning is very plausible.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I are in the process of remodeling a home. We are ordering new doors with locks.
> l
> .I'm curious to hear if middle age dad's libidos are affected by teen/adult kids home and around when you and s/o are trying to have "alone time". Dh has been telling me he's uncomfortable being intimate when the kids are up (ie he hears them talking in the house) and wants to wait until they go to bed, which is after 11. I can't stay up that late. He does tell me to wake him up ( I get up at 4:45.am) That doesn't work well either because he doesn' t wake up easily or I have to get ready for work.
> 
> ...


While I am not really bothered by the kids being around I can understand your husbands feeling. We have a pretty large house and our bedroom is far away from theirs. I would probably be distracted and wouldn't really enjoy as much if they were right outside or near by. I think you should take your husbands word for it when he says he is into you but is just put off by their being around. I know I do enjoy sex less when I am having to more restrained and quiet. I do prefer to wait until later when it's less likely the kids are going to be wandering around getting snacks and stuff.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Well, I'm not in his head. He very much seems to take it seriously. I know he prays, he treats people well, he talks about the homily, and we have religious discussions. We both say adultry is most likely the end of us, on both sides. He has gone to confession with me in the past. I see no porn use, and honestly he really doesn' t seem the type to be an addict to it, fwiw.


Fwiw, I never said I thought he was an addict. Thinking more secretive user. Hiding browsing history is easy for anyone remotely computer savvy,


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

snowbum said:


> He's very physical and athletic. Until recently he intiated a few times a week. Now I do. Sometimes he's tired, the kids are home, he's still tired, etc. Likes to hold hands and cuddle, but ok with telling me "we're just sleeping tonight" Not asexual. Been together 30 years and this is relatively new. Hence, my anxiety and wondering a few things:
> 1. is there someone else?
> 2 is it age?
> 3. Is it my appearance
> ...


What happened 6 months ago. For a fit guy to all the sudden stop initiating is not normal. 
we men are not all of sudden going to stop chasing after our wives. After 35 years, 32 married, I’m still after my wife. After 4 kids, she doesn’t have the body she had long ago, but that’s not stopping my desire for her. I’m sure the majority of men feel the same way about their wife. So to me, you need to dig deep. Make sure he’s not chasing after someone else, or that he hasn’t developed a porn addiction.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

6 months ago he started mentioning a younger coworker. That is why I"m worried my fear is true. I think if something there it's an EA as they don't work in same office. He knows my feelings and says I'm completely off base. What would he say? I've said that if there is ever a time someone else is more important or I"m not what he wants to be honest enough to tell me, that I can live with it. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a stooge. So I don't think anything happened, but don't know. Again, I don't see him being into porn, knowing him for so long. I don't know if I"m overreacting.

I have passwords and can log onto devices. No missing time, strange trips. Could just be my anxiety causing issues.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> 6 months ago he started mentioning a younger coworker. That is why I"m worried my fear is true. I think if something there it's an EA as they don't work in same office. He knows my feelings and says I'm completely off base. What would he say? I've said that if there is ever a time someone else is more important or I"m not what he wants to be honest enough to tell me, that I can live with it. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a stooge. So I don't think anything happened, but don't know. Again, I don't see him being into porn, knowing him for so long. I don't know if I"m overreacting.
> 
> I have passwords and can log onto devices. No missing time, strange trips. Could just be my anxiety causing issues.


Men don't always realize they are caught up in an EA. EA don't have the same effect on men as they do women.
His feelings for his female co-worker may not be as serious as her feelings for him.
Having said that, he should be careful about guarding his marriage so it doesn't get physical, because it can happen unexpectedly.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What he tells me is that he still desires me and only has love for me. He says there is no one else, and what I am feeling isn't "real". I said that when he doesn't engage, or puts me off, I feel like I've done something or lack in some way. That may be in my mind only. He then says that my feeling "less then" or rejected leads to him feeling bad. I have stated that I feel connected to him and enjoy him. That I want him to enjoy our time and when it doesn' t happen, I do wonder why.

His words are comforting at the time. I know this is a tough time for both of us. He also says he's not the young guy who was always "on" and that live has phases, but that doesn' t mean he doesn't love me. He does say he is in love with me, and we do hold hands, kiss, etc.

We are in to different, very different lines of work. I don't understand it, and I feel like his coworker would relate to what he does, find a connection, etc. This is speculation. He's said I'm off base and I have not pushed it. but I do wonder.

I know no can say what they'd do in the situation until it happened, but the lies would destroy me. Absolutely crumble my trust and faith. So most likely an affair would end us.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

kids rooms are across the hall, fwiw and they are probably 20 -30 feet away.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

You need to talk to your primary care provider and ask for something to control your anxiety. 

Once your anxiety is under control you'll be able to see everything without a clouded mind. 

I got news for you, all men can find other women attractive. They can find other co-workers attractive. This doesn't mean they are going to cheat on their spouses. 

Jealous people are not attractive. Insecure people are not attractive. It could be you are pushing your husband away with your insecurities that started 6 months ago. 

Married sex is not a straight line. Sometimes the line is up, sometimes the line is down. And sometimes it turns. It changes over time or not. It's different for everyone. Why don't you believe him??

What do you want from him?

It seems it's impossible and exhausting to understand and satisfy you! 

I'm exhausted just by reading everything thread you've started!!

Please get help!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> I know and admit this is pure speculation on my part. But men getting picky about sex, and skipping confession are two fairly serious signs of porn use.


However there are a whole bunch of other reasons besides porn. I'm not condemning anyone but just saying. It doesn't have to be nor is it likely to have to be porn.

I'm starting to wonder about @snowbum and the 360deg x 360deg issues being steadily brought up.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I am in my late 40s and have three kids, two out of the house already. I never had a problem being intimate with my wife with kids being at home. We have our parents quarters where we feel pretty private. Also when I built my house I insulted also internal walls to reduce any sound transmission.

My wife though some time feels a bit uneasy with kids at home, though she never said this openly. For instance with kids home she always insists on having sex in our bedroom that is far away from kids bedrooms.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Of course people find opposite sex people attractive. I find men attractive myself. That's normal and to be expected. I'm not a moron. There's a difference between thinking someone is in shape and handsome/pretty , I understand that many times coworkers are perfectly professional and nothing untoward happens. I also think there are plenty times things cross the line. Dh has several women on his team I've met and feel absolutely comfortable around. We can sit and talk for hours. Not a thought crosses my mind, and they happen to be very attractive. The sitution I mentioned feels different. Be that anxiety or in actuality, it's how I feel. 

I don't need constant togetherness. He's got weekly hobbies he goes to, once or twice a week. He goes out with work friends. I do things on my own. I'm not a 24/7 me, me, me person. However, at the end of the day- I would like to spend time together as a married couple. That's different than being tv buddies, coparents, or friends. Friendship is key, but I also want intimacy. I also don't want to feel I'm asking for it. 

I also want to rebuild my self esteem and relationship with my husband. I want to let go of my insecurity and trust him. That is what I want. That is why I am in the process of getting answers from drs. not so easy during the Covid spike and dealing with anxiety. also not as easy virtually every two weeks.

I want to be seen as beautiful in my husbands eyes and be desired. That's what I want.






I


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Pretty sure no porn use. He uses work issued computers and has sensitive job. I've seen no searches and it doesn' t fit him. I don't get that sense at all. Could be wrong. I've asked. He' not a fan of oversexualized shows such as GOt, The Witcher, etc. I could be clueless, but I don't think so.


So he doesn't have any kind of smartphone? I mention it because on a PC or on a smartphone you can go into a mode where no history is visible and other people can't see it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> He's very physical and athletic. Until recently he intiated a few times a week. Now I do. Sometimes he's tired, the kids are home, he's still tired, etc. Likes to hold hands and cuddle, but ok with telling me "we're just sleeping tonight" Not asexual. Been together 30 years and this is relatively new. Hence, my anxiety and wondering a few things:
> 1. is there someone else?
> 2 is it age?
> 3. Is it my appearance
> ...


I mean it certainly could be that he's just slowing down with age which is a normal thing. I think you're far too worried about it.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

LATERILUS79 said:


> That is some far reaching speculation.
> 
> picky about sex? Fine. I'll concede that as a possibility of porn use.
> 
> ...


My first confession I rolled in there like a boss and told the priest I was there because I had to be but I didn't have anything to confess. I was a little punk.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I are in the process of remodeling a home. We are ordering new doors with locks.
> 
> ..........I'm curious to hear if middle age dad's libidos are affected by teen/adult kids home and around when you and s/o are trying to have "alone time".......
> 
> ...


My two cents. I am going to assume when you say "teen/adult kids" that you mean your offspring who have either started dating or are in a serious and committed relationship. If they are at least dating, they should have "had the talk" and understand that mom and dad had sex to create them and that mom and dad are suppose to have sex in marriage.

With that as background, then a good lock on the bedroom door should be adequate to keep them from barging in and destroying the mood and seeing something that they can never unsee. 

For men, mental focus important for keeping an erection and being able to have satisfactory intercourse. So there really is not right an wrong answer as to whether having kids in the house will make sex difficult for one partner. There are always alternatives you can try to put his mind right. Playing music in your bedroom. TMI story, growing up, my folks like to go out for dancing lessons on "date night." Sometimes they would come home and put on music in their bedroom and tell us that they were continuing the homework associated with their dance lessons by "practicing dancing." There certainly was a lot of music and other noise coming from their bedroom.

One of the best things you can do for "adult children" or near adult children it to mentor them that sex is part of a healthy marriage. While you don't want to rub you and your partners sexual activities in their face, you shouldn't hide the fact that married couples do have sex and enjoy each other.

If you H has a problem, talk to him. Ask him that if you are in the mood, you would really like to work with him on finding a way to continue to have sex even if the kids are in town. It could range from your providing them with a hotel room to the two of you sneaking away the next day for an afternoon delight at a local hotel.

Good luck.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

snowbum said:


> I want to be seen as beautiful in my husbands eyes and be desired. That's what I want.


He never tells you he finds you beautiful? 

Didn't he call you a Vixen not too long ago? (Maybe I'm confused with another thread)

My husband doesn't say he finds me beautiful every day. And I have to confess, we are couch, tv buddies most of the time. We binge watch a lot of shows and sometimes we skip sex because we can't wait to watch the next series episode! It doesn't bother me because we both like to watch tv. If I want to have sex and he doesn't, it's ok, I know we'll be having sex maybe later or the next day. 

I really can't grasp what's really going on in your marriage because so far, to me, it seems you have a perfectly regular marriage. Maybe he has settled and you want the motion and emotion you used to have?

I don't know?!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I are in the process of remodeling a home. We are ordering new doors with locks.
> l
> .I'm curious to hear if middle age dad's libidos are affected by teen/adult kids home and around when you and s/o are trying to have "alone time". Dh has been telling me he's uncomfortable being intimate when the kids are up (ie he hears them talking in the house) and wants to wait until they go to bed, which is after 11. I can't stay up that late. He does tell me to wake him up ( I get up at 4:45.am) That doesn't work well either because he doesn' t wake up easily or I have to get ready for work.
> 
> ...


I can't do it if the kids are up. If I hear a peep from them, my ED kicks in real quick. Total buzzkill those kids, but ours go down by 9 PM and asleep by 9:15 latest


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

When you live in a small house with two children, you learn to be quiet when romance rolls around. Sure, they probably have heard things. Oh, well. How do they think they got here? They are older now and we never really had to call it quits because of their being around. Had a few close calls? Yes. But never caught in the act. ,,, when they are away, it is lots of fun to NOT be quiet.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> My first confession I rolled in there like a boss and told the priest I was there because I had to be but I didn't have anything to confess. I was a little punk.


It think confession has been one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. 

I never told them everything, of course. I didn't trust any of them. 

According to them I was a typical liar. Oh well


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I am in my late 40s and have three kids, two out of the house already. I never had a problem being intimate with my wife with kids being at home. We have our parents quarters where we feel pretty private. Also when I built my house I insulted also internal walls to reduce any sound transmission.
> 
> My wife though some time feels a bit uneasy with kids at home, though she never said this openly. For instance with kids home she always insists on having sex in our bedroom that is far away from kids bedrooms.


You mentioned parents quarters. If you have a large house, especially with separate quarters the issue will be very different from those who, especially in the UK where housing is so very expensive, are literally just 2 or 3 feet from the door of your children's rooms.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> You mentioned parents quarters. If you have a large house, especially with separate quarters the issue will be very different from those who, especially in the UK where housing is so very expensive, are literally just 2 or 3 feet from the door of your children's rooms.


It's like the Old West in the 1800s. Log cabins are one room. Folks still found a way to have children.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Wait, you’re all DTF and he’s “not now, the kids are awake”? I’ve gotten that from my wife for years and it is frustrating. I’m sure you’re not looking to do it on the couch in the family room. Not that most parents couldn’t pull that off with today’s kids always in their room with their heads in their devices. I have got to say that reading some of these threads of wives wanting more sex from their husbands are really triggering.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Wait, you’re all DTF and he’s “not now, the kids are awake”? I’ve gotten that from my wife for years and it is frustrating. I’m sure you’re not looking to do it on the couch in the family room. Not that most parents couldn’t pull that off with today’s kids always in their room with their heads in their devices. I have got to say that reading some of these threads of wives wanting more sex from their husbands are really triggering.


We are in marriage counseling. We talked sexual desire the last session. Counselor said it's about 50/50. Half the husbands and half the wives say they are not getting enough sex. We were surprised.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> It's like the Old West in the 1800s. Log cabins are one room. Folks still found a way to have children.


I was talking about people today who may be aware of how nearby their children are. It's easier if the house is large.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

50/50 ? That doesn’t sound right. We do get some women posting about the lack of sex but there are way more threads from men complaining about the lack of sex. I guess times are changing.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

jsmart said:


> 50/50 ? That doesn’t sound right. We do get some women posting about the lack of sex but there are way more threads from men complaining about the lack of sex. I guess times are changing.


I'm just repeating what our marriage counselor said he has encountered. Yep, as Bob Dylan told us about the times ... I also think that here, the ratio of men outnumbers that of women. And men are more apt to complain about less sex? I don't know.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I was talking about people today who may be aware of how nearby their children are. It's easier if the house is large.


I understand


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> _*You really need professional help.*_



Wisest statement in this entire thread.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

snowbum said:


> He's very physical and athletic. Until recently he intiated a few times a week. Now I do. Sometimes he's tired, the kids are home, he's still tired, etc. Likes to hold hands and cuddle, but ok with telling me "we're just sleeping tonight" Not asexual. *Been together 30 years and this is relatively new. Hence, my anxiety and wondering a few things:*
> 1. is there someone else?
> 2 is it age?
> 3. Is it my appearance
> ...


Ok...couple of things....

Most people your age and marriage duration would probably do backflips if they can get as much dck and affection as you are getting...

As a guy about the same age as your h, I can tell you a few things, but as people have said, no two are the same...I have always been HD and never had a single episode of ED or any other performance issue....The difference now is that I don't have to bust a nut 4+ times a day, and if I am tired or even pre occupied/bothered by something, etc, then it can wait...My libido has switched from being in control of me, to now me being in control of it...This is a good thing, IME...

Personally, I would probably agree on the kids awake issue...I don't think that would be something I would want, either....Plus, perhaps because I am a big, physical, guy, sex could never be truly silent, unless we were in a sound proof facility ...I'm not talking about moaning and groaning either. that's mostly women anyway,. but just the other accessory noises...someone is gonna hear it...lol...

But I don't think this is even about sex....You sound VERY insecure, and you just happen to be picking on this issue....Perhaps I am reading it wrong, but that's the feeling I am getting...Maybe you just need to calm down and take a deep breath,,,, I don't really see anything that unusual about his demeanor...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

my adult son showed up suddenly after we got used to him being gone. 
it was a big shock to our sex lives to suddenly have him and his friends showing up any time of day/night.

we were happy when he went off to college....and we had the house back to ourselves again.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP,
I've heard kids are a buzzkill, but only you or he knows if it's an excuse. Heck, I remember my ex not wanting to do it b/c the dog was right outside 🤦‍♀️. Have you talked to him?



jsmart said:


> 50/50 ? That doesn’t sound right. We do get some women posting about the lack of sex but there are way more threads from men complaining about the lack of sex. I guess times are changing.


It's not surprising. I felt ashamed to say anything to anyone when my marriage was sexless, maybe other women feel similarly. There's still a stigma surrounding HD women, especially by men who are threatened by them plus who wants to admit that their husband won't screw them? Men are typecasted as horndogs, so many people point the finger at you without question.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You mentioned parents quarters. If you have a large house, especially with separate quarters the issue will be very different from those who, especially in the UK where housing is so very expensive, are literally just 2 or 3 feet from the door of your children's rooms.


I live in US, in one of the most expensive part of the country.

When I built my house I planned carefully to have parents quarters and have them sound insulated from kids bedrooms so both parents and kids have privacy.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

What guy doesn't want to have sex because the kids might hear? He's lying to her and she knows it.

That's what's causing her anxiety. He's pulling back from both emotional (honesty) and physical intimacy. She needs for him to either legitimately explain himself or start frequently banging her again. The last thing she needs is to go to doctor and get doped up so she doesn't have to deal with reality.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Update:
Talked to dh when we were alone. We did have an episode last summer in which our youngest (teens) walked in. We were in a compromising position, he didn't know because it was dark. Talked for like three minutes to us. At the time it was kind of funny, in an awkward way. Dh admitted that did get in his head a bit, didn't want that happening again. As stated, we are ordering new doors. 

Last night was much quieter kids wise, and we have an amazing time-a good time had by all, lol. We are planning spa weekends and working on taking opportunities when they present themselves. I mentioned the difference I saw, and dh said he wasn' t doing anything different intentionally. I'm going to take his word at this time. Working with cognitive monitoring and journaling, hoping to notice triggers, times,etc that are worse.

As for insecurity, that's there. I'm working at it, some days and weeks are actually better. Others, not so much. 

FWIW: I'm not an overbearing spouse meaning I don't call work, text throughout the day, check devices, etc. I don't have to be with my husband 24/7. 

Someone mentioned deleting browsing history and porn. I'm not saying I'm clueless enough to think he's never seen any. I do strongly believe that that's not an issue. If it's a secret viewing type thing, than it's on the phone at work, which is not likely as he's working in an open office with no cubicle dividers and cameras on. Pretty sure work would not allow open porn viewing. If it's at home on the phone, I'd notice as we are often in the same room. Bathroom? Ok, but I think I'd notice things (not grabbing a shower, etc). If someone wants to go there, fine. I disagree. 

I do agree it's most likely me finding issues that aren't there, which is bad and MY issue or me fitting "evidence" into a narrative that again isn't reality. My counselor said "you can think things, doesn't make it reality." 

So that's where I'm at.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Update:
> Talked to dh when we were alone. We did have an episode last summer in which our youngest (teens) walked in. We were in a compromising position, he didn't know because it was dark. Talked for like three minutes to us. At the time it was kind of funny, in an awkward way. Dh admitted that did get in his head a bit, didn't want that happening again. As stated, we are ordering new doors.
> 
> Last night was much quieter kids wise, and we have an amazing time-a good time had by all, lol. We are planning spa weekends and working on taking opportunities when they present themselves. I mentioned the difference I saw, and dh said he wasn' t doing anything different intentionally. I'm going to take his word at this time. Working with cognitive monitoring and journaling, hoping to notice triggers, times,etc that are worse.
> ...


It sounds like he might also have anxiety.
It would certainly explain a lot. He has anxiety and, in your anxiety, are interpreting his episodes as pulling back from the relationship.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

snowbum said:


> Dh and I are in the process of remodeling a home. We are ordering new doors with locks.
> l
> .I'm curious to hear if middle age dad's libidos are affected by teen/adult kids home and around when you and s/o are trying to have "alone time". Dh has been telling me he's uncomfortable being intimate when the kids are up (ie he hears them talking in the house) and wants to wait until they go to bed, which is after 11. I can't stay up that late. He does tell me to wake him up ( I get up at 4:45.am) That doesn't work well either because he doesn' t wake up easily or I have to get ready for work.
> 
> ...


Couple of questions!
What is your ages? If he is in his 40's, then libido can be a factor. 
A hard 1 to ask, but will help to understand is, appearance! Have 1 or both gained a lot of weight? This also can effect the libido.
Biggest advise is, let him come seek out affection! Men like the chase and after a little time passes, he will get horny and that is when he will chase. Unless he is chasing someone else, it is guaranteed he will not be able to refrain very long.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

snowbum said:


> He's very physical and athletic. Until recently he intiated a few times a week. Now I do. Sometimes he's tired, the kids are home, he's still tired, etc. Likes to hold hands and cuddle, but ok with telling me "we're just sleeping tonight" Not asexual. Been together 30 years and this is relatively new. Hence, my anxiety and wondering a few things:
> 1. is there someone else?
> 2 is it age?
> 3. Is it my appearance
> ...


Number 2 leading to number 4. Give it time, specially if it is his age. It should correct itself or might need some help!


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