# Fiance's weight gain and change in Sexual fun



## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

We've been together now for 5 years. We have a 17 year age gap but it works for us. I'm 46 and she's 29. When we first met she was super fit 130lbs. and 5'6" tall. She had the perfect body and now if I had to guess she's prob. 170lbs. At 46 I workout 6-7 days per week and I'm in better shape than most 25 year olds. We met at the gym and she slowly stopped going. Yesterday we had friends over and she put on a bikini and she shouldn't have worn it. I've brought it up by just trying to get her to come to the gym with me and she says she hates working out with me because I expect too much. (I was a fitness training and owned my own gym). She sometimes will go but it will only last 3 times. A friend of mine reached out to her to get her to try some classes at the gym I go to and she got mad.

I like healthy people and she knows that. I love a lot of attention, sex, when she dresses up etc. She's an absolute knockout but the weight gain I'm struggling with. Her love language is helping around the house, taking care of the animals etc. I've been doing a ton around here taking care of all the yard work, she wanted a garden so I built her one and got all the soil etc, I do 90% of the dishes and the majority of the laundry as well as keep the house clean. I've started a new job and have contributed more into the finances to help her out more etc. We used to have dress up sex twice a month all the time and sex 6-7 times per week. Dress up sex is now maybe once every 8-10 weeks and she complains the entire time so I won't even bring it up. A friend of mine thought maybe she was cheating as she's always out with her mom. Put a GPS tracker in her car and that's not the case. I took it out as nothing sketchy was going on.

I don't want to hurt her feelings so I've never said anything about the weight grain. I've tried to encourage her to go to the gym. I'm doing a summer cut right now and said we should work together to get "summer ready" and she just rolled her eyes. How do I get her to lose at least some of the weight. If she lost half of it she would be so much more confident which in turn might bring back the dress up sex. 

I'm certain some here will call me shallow and I accept that. I've read His Needs Her Needs and don't feel that I'm out of line. I like what I like and she does as well. How do I breach this conversation so that I don't make her feel bad and shut down but from an encouraging nature so she wants to get back into shape again? She's not lazy at all either. She will go out with her mom literally ALL day long and they will be out and about shopping exploring and taking our dog for walks etc but she just has been eating poorly and not doing regular exercise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if she does a lot of exercise by walking the dogs a lot. Walking is great exercise, no need for the expense of a gym membership. 

As for the rest, you do realise that as you age there will be a lot more change in her and your appearance? How will you deal with that?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maybe she is trying to drive you off.

Not consciously, but sub-consciously.

Anxiety and depression hold her down and stuff food in her mouth.

Seriously, this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve tried to motivate her and it hasn’t worked. And it won’t until that’s what she wants. Are there overweight people in her family or is she the only one?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

UnderWhere said:


> I've started a new job and have contributed more into the finances to help her out more etc.


Has she been carrying the load financially? If so, for how long?


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You’ve tried to motivate her and it hasn’t worked. And it won’t until that’s what she wants. Are there overweight people in her family or is she the only one?


Not really. Her mom is a little overweight but she's not fat. I don't expect her to have a six pack or anything like that which she did when we first met. She's made comments that she's not 24 any longer and I get it that it's harder as we get older but she's 29. I'm 46 and have abs so that's not really it. I know she doesn't like the weight gain as she's said things about it but then she says she still wants to be able to eat a cheeseburger. I always tell her everything is about moderation and to eat the cheeseburger and ice cream just not every single day. When she's out with her mom they get fast food all the time. Her mom literally lives off Fast Food.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

UnderWhere said:


> We've been together now for 5 years. We have a 17 year age gap but it works for us. I'm 46 and she's 29. When we first met she was super fit 130lbs. and 5'6" tall. She had the perfect body and now if I had to guess she's prob. 170lbs. At 46 I workout 6-7 days per week and I'm in better shape than most 25 year olds. We met at the gym and she slowly stopped going. Yesterday we had friends over and she put on a bikini and she shouldn't have worn it. I've brought it up by just trying to get her to come to the gym with me and she says she hates working out with me because I expect too much. (I was a fitness training and owned my own gym). She sometimes will go but it will only last 3 times. A friend of mine reached out to her to get her to try some classes at the gym I go to and she got mad.
> 
> I like healthy people and she knows that. I love a lot of attention, sex, when she dresses up etc. She's an absolute knockout but the weight gain I'm struggling with. Her love language is helping around the house, taking care of the animals etc. I've been doing a ton around here taking care of all the yard work, she wanted a garden so I built her one and got all the soil etc, I do 90% of the dishes and the majority of the laundry as well as keep the house clean. I've started a new job and have contributed more into the finances to help her out more etc. We used to have dress up sex twice a month all the time and sex 6-7 times per week. Dress up sex is now maybe once every 8-10 weeks and she complains the entire time so I won't even bring it up. A friend of mine thought maybe she was cheating as she's always out with her mom. Put a GPS tracker in her car and that's not the case. I took it out as nothing sketchy was going on.
> 
> ...


Please don’t take this the wrong way. (Or do if you want to, I don’t care)
You come across as a ****ing asshole. Have you ever had a proper job or been the main breadwinner in your marriage?
Didn’t think so.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Has she been carrying the load financially? If so, for how long?


Not completely but she was paying prob. 60% of the bills and now we've switched that. I lost my job during Covid and took on a few jobs that didn't pan out and we made due. Now, that is no longer the case so I try to pay for everything I can. Whenever we go out I pay 100% for everything along with our household expenses. We bought a house last July with a pool so I was hopefully that would motivate her to get back into better shape as we have a lot of people over.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Please don’t take this the wrong way. (Or do if you want to, I don’t care)
> You come across as a ****ing asshole. Have you ever had a proper job or been the main breadwinner in your marriage?
> Didn’t think so.


Yeah actually, I was making over $250K when we met but had to sell my business. I was covering 100% of the expenses but thanks.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

You are 46 years old and still looking for a trophy wife, not a real wife..... My wife technically has a little extra padding. But she wears a bikini to the beach at 39. I just completely dismiss her perception of body flaws because I love her and really don't care about what she sees as a flaws.

One time at the beach, she removed her shirt to show her bikini top but refused to remove her shorts. I said no one gives a crap 🤣. Just look at her over there in a more skimpy bikini 😂..... She took her bottoms off.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

UnderWhere said:


> Not really. Her mom is a little overweight but she's not fat. I don't expect her to have a six pack or anything like that which she did when we first met. She's made comments that she's not 24 any longer and I get it that it's harder as we get older but she's 29. I'm 46 and have abs so that's not really it. I know she doesn't like the weight gain as she's said things about it but then she says she still wants to be able to eat a cheeseburger. I always tell her everything is about moderation and to eat the cheeseburger and ice cream just not every single day. When she's out with her mom they get fast food all the time. Her mom literally lives off Fast Food.


She doesn’t care enough to do what’s necessary and unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about that. And it may not stop at 40 pounds — she’s only 29 and has lots of time to add to it.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

Dump her. As you've pointed out, you like what you like and that's okay.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> Not really. Her mom is a little overweight but she's not fat. I don't expect her to have a six pack or anything like that which she did when we first met. She's made comments that she's not 24 any longer and I get it that it's harder as we get older but she's 29. I'm 46 and have abs so that's not really it. I know she doesn't like the weight gain as she's said things about it but then she says she still wants to be able to eat a cheeseburger. I always tell her everything is about moderation and to eat the cheeseburger and ice cream just not every single day. When she's out with her mom they get fast food all the time. Her mom literally lives off Fast Food.


I wonder if you guys broke up, would she suddenly hit the gym really hard so she could lose the weight for other men?

Gaining 40lbs in a couple of years in your 20s is a big problem. Either it's a health/hormonal issue (like Thyroid Disease, Estrogen Dominance, or PCOS), or it's a diet problem. She didn't gain that weight from eating a cheeseburger here and there. 

She is on a path of very poor health at this rate, and it clearly affects how she feels about herself, so I wonder why she doesn't care anymore.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> We've been together now for 5 years. We have a 17 year age gap but it works for us. I'm 46 and she's 29. When we first met she was super fit 130lbs. and 5'6" tall. She had the perfect body


So when you met her she was 24 and you were 41, she had the perfect body and was an “absolute knockout”. Add to this that she has been the main breadwinner, which is not the norm when women date older men, and she may have over time begun to question if this relationship is best for her in the long term. Thus she is not motivated to lose weight for you. Rather than focusing on her weight, you need to focus more on upping your own game.

Also, be careful what you wish for. If she loses weight and is again that absolute knockout that you want, if you haven’t upped your game, it may be someone else that gets to appreciate her in a bikini.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Helloo87 said:


> Any kids? It’s sometimes hard to lose weight after kids. If it was me and my husband told me he has lost attraction for me because of my weight gain i would be very sad but if I loved him I would try a little harder. Could she be depressed? Does she work a lot? Any health problems leading to weight gain?


She does not have any kids. She works about 25 hours per week and has a super flexible schedule. She makes her own schedule so she has more than enough time to go to the gym. She's not lazy as she basically doesn't ever just sit around being lazy which is the weird part.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

TRy said:


> So when you met her she was 24 and you were 41, she had the perfect body and was an “absolute knockout”. Add to this that she has been the main breadwinner, which is not the norm when women date older men, and she may have over time begun to question if this relationship is best for her in the long term. Thus she is not motivated to lose weight for you. Rather than focusing on her weight, you need to focus more on upping your own game.
> 
> Also, be careful what you wish for. If she loses weight and is again that absolute knockout that you want, if you haven’t upped your game, it may be someone else that gets to appreciate her in a bikini.


Upping my game has been my primary focus my friend. I'm far from perfect but I bust my ass and work hard. She appreciates that and sees how hard I work. I give her lots of affection and we get along great. We cuddle every night and every morning and we fall asleep on each other every single night. We have a great relationship overall and I know she loves me. I left out the details that we are constantly touching each other. We go out on dates often and we both support each other. I just want to find a way to motivate her to lose the weight. She typically gains in the winter but then once spring comes around she diets and exercises and loses most of it for the summer. She just hasn't done that yet this year and I think the weight gain this year is greater than typically.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Some people just "give up" on themselves and don't put any effort into the "mating game" once they snag a for-sure person (like a fiance or spouse). Both sexes do this. This situation, most likely, will not get better with time. Put marriage and kids on top of your current situation... oh boy. 

And someone already alluded to above ... if you want to watch her lose weight rapidly, dump her. Works every time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if she does a lot of exercise by walking the dogs a lot. Walking is great exercise, no need for the expense of a gym membership.
> 
> As for the rest, you do realise that as you age there will be a lot more change in her and your appearance? How will you deal with that?


By trying to date younger and younger women.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if she does a lot of exercise by walking the dogs a lot. Walking is great exercise, no need for the expense of a gym membership.
> 
> As for the rest, you do realise that as you age there will be a lot more change in her and your appearance? How will you deal with that?


I agree with this, but would also add that getting rid of the unhealthy snacks in the house and replacing them with healthier options might be something to try.

Is she happy, or more on the depressed side of things? Depression can bring on weight gain. Has she recently gone on any new meds or had a change or meds?


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Helloo87 said:


> have you tried limiting junk food in the house or making healthy meals for the both of you? Unfortunately I feel like no one can be forced to lose weight, the desire has to come from within. It is a good sign that she expresses her dislike of her weight gain but if this will cause her to actually take action I’m not sure.


We don’t have a ton of junk foodin the house. I eat pretty healthy and when she cooks she makes mostly healthy food. I honestly think it is mostly from all the Starbucks drinks she’s been drinking. Many of them are 1500+ calories and the fact she’s always getting McDonalds and pizza when she’s out with her mom. Her mothers diet is horrific buther body is used to it so she doesn’t gain any more weight. My fiancé can gain and lose quickly. She mentioned last week of going low carb andI said to go for it. When she does she can drop weight really quickly. I hate the yo yo dieting as I try to teach her about a lifestyle but I will take what I can get.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Ursula said:


> I agree with this, but would also add that getting rid of the unhealthy snacks in the house and replacing them with healthier options might be something to try.
> 
> Is she happy, or more on the depressed side of things? Depression can bring on weight gain. Has she recently gone on any new meds or had a change or meds?


yes, she is happy and not depressed. She has a lot of energy and is full of life which is why I don’t understand the weight gain. I’ve noticed it but it wasn’t until yesterday when she wore the bikini did I notice how bad it has gotten. If she had a doffeeent bathing suit it prob wouldn’t have been so bad.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> Upping my game has been my primary focus my friend. I'm far from perfect but I bust my ass and work hard.


 You stated earlier that “I've started a new job and have contributed more into the finances to help her out more etc.”, which indicates that she is the main breadwinner, and that you only “help her out” as she is the one that is responsible for paying the bills. More puzzling is that you say that she works part at only 25 hours a week.

When you that say that you “bust” you ass and “and work hard”, are you talking about at a paying job or paying career?


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> By trying to date younger and younger women.


you don’t know me so don’t speculate. I’m not threatening to leave and I don’t have intentions on leaving. I’m trying to fix something I’m not thrilled about.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

TRy said:


> You stated earlier that “I've started a new job and have contributed more into the finances to help her out more etc.”, which indicates that she is the main breadwinner, and that you only “help her out” as she is the one that is responsible for paying the bills. More puzzling is that you say that she works part at only 25 hours a week.
> 
> When you that say that you “bust” you ass and “and work hard”, are you talking about at a paying job?


 Yes, I make over 6 figures now


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UnderWhere said:


> you don’t know me so don’t speculate. I’m not threatening to leave and I don’t have intentions on leaving. I’m trying to fix something I’m not thrilled about.


It's not yours to fix. All you can do is improve yourself and your situation and that still won't make her young and thin again.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

UnderWhere said:


> We don’t have a ton of junk foodin the house. I eat pretty healthy and when she cooks she makes mostly healthy food. I honestly think it is mostly from all the Starbucks drinks she’s been drinking. Many of them are 1500+ calories and the fact she’s always getting McDonalds and pizza when she’s out with her mom. Her mothers diet is horrific buther body is used to it so she doesn’t gain any more weight. My fiancé can gain and lose quickly. She mentioned last week of going low carb andI said to go for it. When she does she can drop weight really quickly. I hate the yo yo dieting as I try to teach her about a lifestyle but I will take what I can get.


OMG, yo-yo dieting is crazy unhealthy. Starbucks drinks are high in calories and sugar, but 1500 calories?! Holy cow, they've gotten really bad for a person. Sounds like she's out everyday with her Mom, and by the sounds of it, they eat junk when they're together. Low carb is great for weight loss.

She's 29, and still young enough where the weight will come off with a little work. Once she hits her 40s, or even well into her 30s, that won't be the case. She's lucky that she has a ton of time to devote to whatever she wants.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

UnderWhere said:


> ... We have a 17 year age gap but it works for us. ... She had the perfect body and now if I had to guess she's prob. 170lbs. At 46 I workout 6-7 days per week and I'm in better shape than most 25 year olds. We met at the gym and she slowly stopped going. Yesterday we had friends over and she put on a bikini and she shouldn't have worn it. *I've brought it up by just trying to get her to come to the gym with me and she says she hates working out with me because I expect too much. * (I was a fitness training and owned my own gym). She sometimes will go but it will only last 3 times. * A friend of mine reached out to her to get her to try some classes at the gym I go to and she got mad.*
> 
> So you married a younger knock out while you were earning a significant amount of money.... How does it always happen that way? Then she gained weight and you talk about how she shouldn't wear a bikini...
> I like healthy people and she knows that. I love a lot of attention, sex, when she dresses up etc. She's an absolute knockout *but the weight gain I'm struggling with. * ..... We used to have dress up sex twice a month all the time and sex 6-7 times per week. Dress up sex is now maybe once every 8-10 weeks and *she complains the entire time* so I won't even bring it up. ....
> ...





UnderWhere said:


> Not really. Her mom is a little overweight but she's not fat. I don't expect her to have a six pack or anything like that which she did when we first met. She's made comments that she's not 24 any longer and I get it that it's harder as we get older but she's 29. I'm 46 and have abs so that's not really it. I know she doesn't like the weight gain as she's said things about it but then she says she still wants to be able to eat a cheeseburger. I always tell her everything is about moderation and to eat the cheeseburger and ice cream just not every single day. When she's out with her mom they get fast food all the time. Her mom literally lives off Fast Food.
> 
> Stop playing daddy. YOu tell her what to eat, how to exercise, what clothes she can wear...I mean maybe she's into that **** because she married someone 17 years older. OR maybe like most young people her brain finished developing and she desire to be more independent and not treated like a child.





UnderWhere said:


> Not completely but she was paying prob. 60% of the bills and now we've switched that. I lost my job during Covid and took on a few jobs that didn't pan out and we made due. Now, that is no longer the case so I try to pay for everything I can. Whenever we go out I pay 100% for everything along with our household expenses. We bought a house last July with a pool so I was hopefully that would motivate her to get back into better shape as we have a lot of people over.





UnderWhere said:


> Yeah actually, I was making over $250K when we met but had to sell my business. I was covering 100% of the expenses but thanks.
> 
> I bet that stung. Married her sugar daddy and then he stopped paying for everything. So when you stopped paying she didn't divorce you and paid a bunch herself. Of course if you were making 250K and didn't have enough in saving that's saying something too.





UnderWhere said:


> She does not have any kids. She works about 25 hours per week and has a super flexible schedule. She makes her own schedule so she has more than enough time to go to the gym. She's not lazy as she basically doesn't ever just sit around being lazy which is the weird part.
> 
> It's not weird that she isn't lazy and doesn't want to go to the gym when you've made it plain you want her to go. You have set this up as a rebellious teen thing. She is going to rebel and not do as you keep telling her. Especially since you are doing it all passive aggressive.





UnderWhere said:


> Upping my game has been my primary focus my friend. I'm far from perfect but I bust my ass and work hard. She appreciates that and sees how hard I work. I give her lots of affection and we get along great. We cuddle every night and every morning and we fall asleep on each other every single night. We have a great relationship overall and I know she loves me. I left out the details that we are constantly touching each other. We go out on dates often and we both support each other. I just want to find a way to motivate her to lose the weight. She typically gains in the winter but then once spring comes around she diets and exercises and loses most of it for the summer. She just hasn't done that yet this year and I think the weight gain this year is greater than typically.
> 
> Unfortunately I don't think you can... other than maybe Conan's way. You see you've set this up as a love boundary. You won't love her if she fat. She isn't going to cowtow. She's probably subconciously testing your love. Resisting the daddy ****. You might can truly love her out of it. But you may have blown that avenue as she doesn't feel loved right now for who she is.... I can guarantee that. And that's important.





UnderWhere said:


> We don’t have a ton of junk foodin the house. I eat pretty healthy and when she cooks she makes mostly healthy food. I honestly think it is mostly from all the Starbucks drinks she’s been drinking. Many of them are 1500+ calories and the fact she’s always getting McDonalds and pizza when she’s out with her mom. Her mothers diet is horrific buther body is used to it so she doesn’t gain any more weight. My fiancé can gain and lose quickly. She mentioned last week of going low carb andI said to go for it. When she does she can drop weight really quickly. I hate the yo yo dieting as I try to teach her about a lifestyle but I will take what I can get.
> 
> Again with the teach her ****. Is she your student?





UnderWhere said:


> yes, she is happy and not depressed. She has a lot of energy and is full of life which is why I don’t understand the weight gain. I’ve noticed it but it wasn’t until yesterday when she wore the bikini did I notice how bad it has gotten. If she had a doffeeent bathing suit it prob wouldn’t have been so bad.
> 
> But you just couldn't help letting her know it was bad. Kudos as least your honest. Her reaction will also be honest.


OP you are shallow. I suggest you just be upfront about it with your wife. The passive aggressive things like sending your friend to invite her to class is not going to work.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

dadstartingover said:


> Some people just "give up" on themselves and don't put any effort into the "mating game" once they snag a for-sure person (like a fiance or spouse). Both sexes do this. This situation, most likely, will not get better with time. Put marriage and kids on top of your current situation... oh boy.
> 
> And someone already alluded to above ... if you want to watch her lose weight rapidly, dump her. Works every time.


Great advice. I will dump her and she can lose the weight. Really solid advice. Don’t need to be so arrogant.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP you are shallow. I suggest you just be upfront about it with your wife. The passive aggressive things like sending your friend to invite her to class is not going to work.


I didn’t have a friend send her to a class but cool spin on it. You work for CNN?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> Great advice. I will dump her and she can lose the weight. Really solid advice. Don’t need to be so arrogant.


He doesn't mean for you to DO that...he's just saying that to make a point.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Did you read any of the other parts. IN read in all your quotes?

Doesn't matter if you did or didn't. What do you think she thought? You really don't think she hasn't noticed tight clothes? A bikini that doesn't fit as well? You really think she doesn't know she's gained weight. I assure you every woman in america knows when they've gained 40 pounds.

But your dismissive attitude tells me all I need to know....

Good Luck destroying your marriage. I"m sure you'll do a fine job of building resentment.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> But you just couldn't help letting her know it was bad. Kudos as least your honest. Her reaction will also be honest.


You speculate without actually asking what I did or didn't say because I didn't say anything about it at all. My goal is NEVER to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad. I came here to ask advice on how I can motivate her to lose the weight without hurting her feelings or making her feel bad. I want to encourage her to do it with me or for herself without being a jerk about it. You obviously missed that part and jumped to conclusions to make yourself feel better or look more important than you actually are


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The answer is, sadly, you can’t. There are many threads here on that topic and I can’t remember any that had a good outcome when the spouse wasn’t interested in putting in the work necessary.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Did you read any of the other parts. IN read in all your quotes?
> 
> Doesn't matter if you did or didn't. What do you think she thought? You really don't think she hasn't noticed tight close? A bikini that doesn't fit as well? You really think she doesn't know she's gained weight. I assure you every woman in america knows when they've gained 40 pounds.
> 
> ...


I've destroyed NOTHING!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I came here to ask for help on how to tactfully approach this not to be belittled by people jumping to conclusions. She knows nothing on how I feel as I didn't say a word. She made a comment yesterday about how she knew she wasn't bikini ready but didn't care because of who was coming over. I smiled and shook my head and that was the end of the discussion. STOP JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> The answer is, sadly, you can’t. There are many threads here on that topic and I can’t remember any that had a good outcome when the spouse wasn’t interested.


And, that is fair. It is obviously HER decision to make and not mine to make for her. I get that and would never give her an ultimatum or anything like that. I want to motivate her as when she's in shape she's clearly way more confident in every aspect of her life. I met her when I started training her and she lost a lot of weight.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> You speculate without actually asking what I did or didn't say because I didn't say anything about it at all. My goal is NEVER to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad. I came here to ask advice on how I can motivate her to lose the weight without hurting her feelings or making her feel bad. I want to encourage her to do it with me or for herself without being a jerk about it. You obviously missed that part and jumped to conclusions to make yourself feel better or look more important than you actually are


Yes, but that's what you get when you ask people on an anonymous online forum what they think -- we are ALL speculating.

If someone makes a wrong assumption, just correct it without the attitude...you will get better responses that way.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I bet that stung. Married her sugar daddy and then he stopped paying for everything. So when you stopped paying she didn't divorce you and paid a bunch herself. Of course if you were making 250K and didn't have enough in saving that's saying something too.


]

again, all you do is SPECULATE and you don't ask any questions. I went thru a nasty divorce and I had to sell my business and I gave up everything I had financially. My fiance knew of this when we started dating and did not care. We were happy and she knew we would simply rebuild the financial part which we've been doing. Covid hit a major setback for multiple reasons but again you didn't ask.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Yes, but that's what you get when you ask people on an anonymous online forum what they think -- we are ALL speculating.
> 
> If someone makes a wrong assumption, just correct it without the attitude...you will get better responses that way.


That's fair. It's hard to do though when I'm being attacked by multiple people that never asked for any facts.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Is there a way to not have her spend so much time with her Mom?


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

gold5932 said:


> Is there a way to not have her spend so much time with her Mom?


We've talked about that as she is with her mom ALL THE TIME. In fact her mom is at our house RIGHT NOW. Her mom is young so they have a strange relationship and she has a really hard time saying no to her. it's caused issues for us over the years because she's often not home literally 5 out of 7 days a week because they are out together. We had a conversation about it a month or so ago and it's gotten better. Her mom has a gastro appointment this week so I'm praying they tell her she needs to change her diet and start eating better. My fiance goes with the flow around her though but when she does diet she is very strict.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

About the only way to motivate her is to approach it from a health standpoint. Let her know that you want to enjoy her companionship for decades to come and that may not be possible if she keeps piling on the weight. The weight will have consequences for her health sooner or later. The fact that her mother has to see a gastroenterologist may actually work in your favor if you time it right. Good luck.

PS Make sure you take pics of her fat in that bikini. Nothing inspires a woman more than seeing a bad pic of herself.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think if your bride to be can pack on that many tens of pounds in her 20s, and enjoys eating junk food and mega calorie Starbucks drinks, that this is going to be a lifelong issue. And one that only gets worse as she ages and it becomes harder to lose weight and easier to gain it. 

There isn't anything you can do about it. She's an adult. She knows what she's consuming and what she looks like _and if she wanted to do it differently, she would_. 

I also think it sounds like her mother, and their relationship, and the amount of time they spend together sounds problematic. But, again, if she wanted to be doing it differently, she would be. 

I think you will go ahead and marry her, despite how you feel about the extreme body weight yo yoing and the problematic relationship with her mother.

And that those things will continue to bother you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Break it off. It sounds like the weight gain was dramatically fast, like she just stopped trying. In addition she will age and you won’t like that either. Now that she’s supported you for a few years you can go find another young woman.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> Yes, I make over 6 figures now


Many marriages that have issues are out of balance such that one person in the marriage contributes way more to the marriage than the other. This leads to discontent. In trying to understand your situation, things are confusing. For example, If you make over 6 figures, why is it that you only “help out” in paying the bills? If she works just 25 hours a week, why is it that you take “care of all the yard work”, “do 90% of the dishes and the majority of the laundry as well as keep the house clean”? 

At first you made it sound like she contributed more, now you make it sound like you contribute more. As of now I am not sure which way it really is. Hard to give advise when we are getting such mixed signals, which is why some posters may be giving you a hard time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TRy said:


> Many marriages that have issues are out of balance such that one person in the marriage contributes way more to the marriage than the other. This leads to discontent. In trying to understand your situation, things are confusing. For example, If you make over 6 figures, why is it that you only “help out” in paying the bills? If she works just 25 hours a week, why is it that you take “care of all the yard work”, “do 90% of the dishes and the majority of the laundry as well as keep the house clean”?
> 
> At first you made it sound like she contributed more, now you make it sound like you contribute more. As of now I am not sure which way it really is. Hard to give advise when we are getting such mixed signals, which is why some posters may be giving you a hard time.


See post number 8.

For awhile she paid 60% and he paid 40% of their life, because he lost his job.

Now he pays ALL of the household expenses plus 100% when they go out. 

Which I guess is why she only has to work 25 hours a week. Because he is funding life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She obviously didn't gain all of that weight just since you bought the house. What were you thinking when you made the commitment to buy a house with her knowing her problems with life style etc.?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It happens, apparently they call it the 'love chubs'








Oddly, ex liked me more when I was chubby, yet I had mixed feelings with her chubbiness, on one hand its so nice to cuddle when chubby! Not as sexy though...
I'm a leg dude, and her fat went straight to her legs of all places 😑

So I understand as a dude, we are visual creatures, and we can't really choose our sexual triggers - yet many times we are called shallow for it.
I never pushed her though, just accepted her for who she was, lollies and icecream and all... my sex drive dwindled along with this decision however. There was enough I loved about her to keep going, despite knowing deep down my sexual attraction for her diminished over time. So this is your future if you decide to accept it.

You can nag her, which you and your mates have been doing, and she's shut down as a result. She doesn't feel loved and accepted because of it, and why would she? She wants to feel loved for who she is, not with people trying to change her. You can try to inspire change in her, but that can be very hard and type of change has to come from within.

So you have 3 choices:
1) Accept her chubs, your desire for her will diminish
2) Nag her to gym, she will begin/continue to resent you
3) Love her the best you can and hope that inspires her to want to get back in shape to make you happy

If you can figure out how to do number 3 though (which will require you accepting her AND loving her the same despite your desire for her dwindling), well done, because I couldn't figure it out, as I'm human too. Good luck mate.

Also note: Inspired change, doesn't always work. I never nagged my ex, and she went to gym out of her own initiative, but she could never get over her sweet tooth. She didn't get too fat as a result, but still chubby, so manage your expectations (Also, I did not love her up to her expectations). Sadly, it wasn't enough for my sexual triggers, I needed long slim legs to trigger me, which she gets, then it bloats, heck it changes 'seasonally'


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

TRy said:


> Many marriages that have issues are out of balance such that one person in the marriage contributes way more to the marriage than the other. This leads to discontent. In trying to understand your situation, things are confusing. For example, If you make over 6 figures, why is it that you only “help out” in paying the bills? If she works just 25 hours a week, why is it that you take “care of all the yard work”, “do 90% of the dishes and the majority of the laundry as well as keep the house clean”?
> 
> At first you made it sound like she contributed more, now you make it sound like you contribute more. As of now I am not sure which way it really is. Hard to give advise when we are getting such mixed signals, which is why some posters may be giving you a hard time.


she works full time but the way it works out is it comes out to approx 25 hours of actual work per week. She has a great career and she makes a great living. She’s not lazy in that regard she is just fortunate enough to have a career that grants her flexibility. I’m currently paying about 60% of our household expenses but she covered the majority of them for the past 2 years. That said, we don’t fight about money and that is almost never ever an issue.

she also does a ton around the house. She cooks all the time and she’s great at it. She does clean aswell and does laundry also but I do it more. I also work from home so doing house tasks during the day is easy for me. She cools and I do the dishes. Tasks around the house are prob 50/50. Again, we don’t argue about this eother

today she wore a Tankiniin the pool and she looked fine. She’s still beautiful and I’m very attracted to her but I do wish she would lose the excess weight before it goes to far. I also don’t know what she weighs and I’m prob way off. I know she was 130 when we met and she typically hovers around 145 but she’s def heavier than that right now. She’s prob closer to 155-160 but it could be higher. I’m not going to ask her to step on a scale


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> That's fair. It's hard to do though when I'm being attacked by multiple people that never asked for any facts.


Being new, it's probably hard to see (yet) that people are not attacking you, they're attacking your situation. Most people here mean well and really are here to help.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

bkyln309 said:


> Sounds like you bring nothing but a bad attitude to the table. She should dump your middle aged ass and she would lose a good 250 of dead weight.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You're prob. right. Sounds like a great plan.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> I wonder if you guys broke up, would she suddenly hit the gym really hard so she could lose the weight for other men?
> 
> Gaining 40lbs in a couple of years in your 20s is a big problem. Either it's a health/hormonal issue (like Thyroid Disease, Estrogen Dominance, or PCOS), or it's a diet problem. She didn't gain that weight from eating a cheeseburger here and there.
> 
> She is on a path of very poor health at this rate, and it clearly affects how she feels about herself, so I wonder why she doesn't care anymore.


She probably would.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Helloo87 said:


> Besides this weight gain are you guys happy? She is 5’6 so 170 probably looks much different in her than someone who is 5’2. In just saying if this is the only issue then I think she is worth fighting for.


Honestly yes, our relationship is great. We do a ton together, we bought a house last year, we travel together, go ATVing, we have a great pup that we both adore, we cuddle, kiss often, hold hands, have a great sex life amongst other things.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

UnderWhere said:


> I've destroyed NOTHING!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I came here to ask for help on how to tactfully approach this not to be belittled by people jumping to conclusions. She knows nothing on how I feel as I didn't say a word. She made a comment yesterday about how she knew she wasn't bikini ready but didn't care because of who was coming over. I smiled and shook my head and that was the end of the discussion. STOP JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS


Some people seem to trigger and imagine things that never were.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

UnderWhere said:


> That's fair. It's hard to do though when I'm being attacked by multiple people that never asked for any facts.





LisaDiane said:


> Yes, but that's what you get when you ask people on an anonymous online forum what they think -- we are ALL speculating.
> 
> If someone makes a wrong assumption, just correct it without the attitude...you will get better responses that way.


But there are many who speculate with attitude about their wrong assumptions.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Some people seem to trigger and imagine things that never were.


At the end of the day I know she loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. You can be a hater all you want. All I was asking was how to approach a difficult conversation. We aren't breaking up and I'm not dumping her or any of the horrible advice that has been given here. It seems most here are very bitter and look for the worst in every situation. If you can't help then please don't comment.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Anytime you tell someone that their weight bothers you, there is going to be hurt feelings, which could possibly lead to resentment. 

Perhaps you could tell her what you told us about how your sex life has changed and that you'd like to get back to where you used to be, without mentioning a word about her weight.

I think @Blondilocks comment about taking photos of her in her bikini was funny, but she's not far off either. Often times we don't really "see" ourselves until it's in a photo. I don't know how you'd pull this off without being obvious and hurting her feelings though.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

OP I'm 5 ft 6 inches and my healthy weight for me is from 115lbs-130lbs. In my 30's I put on over 50lbs because I would have wine most nights, cans of coke, bigger meal portions etc etc. Anyway I started drinking water and cut down the wine to one or two glasses at weekends, not every night. I cut out the cans of coke and halved my meal portion. I enjoyed more salads and fruit and before I knew it I was back down to 115lbs. Didn't even have to exercise lol. I'm 55 and I vary from 110lbs-120lbs. I eat what I enjoy but don't over eat. If she cut out the Starbucks alone and drank water instead she would lose weight. You have to be careful how you approach her about this because she may end up divorcing you. It's a very sensitive subject for us women. I noticed myself because I struggled to fit into my clothes which depressed me. Maybe buy her a dress you know she would love, but get the dress to fit her when she was a healthier weight. That may encourage her to lose weight to fit into the dress. Don't tell her why you bought the dress a smaller size, if she asks just say that's the size I've always bought you. That's what encouraged me when I couldn’t fit into my favourite dress. Couldn't even get it over my thighs.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Being new, it's probably hard to see (yet) that people are not attacking you, they're attacking your situation. Most people here mean well and really are here to help.


There are some that are attacking him.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> OP I'm 5 ft 6 inches and my healthy weight for me is from 115lbs-130lbs. In my 30's I put on over 50lbs because I would have wine most nights, cans of coke, bigger meal portions etc etc. Anyway I started drinking water and cut down the wine to one or two glasses at weekends, not every night. I cut out the cans of coke and halved my meal portion. I enjoyed more salads and fruit and before I knew it I was back down to 115lbs. Didn't even have to exercise lol. I'm 55 and I vary from 110lbs-120lbs. I eat what I enjoy but don't over eat. If she cut out the Starbucks alone and drank water instead she would lose weight. You have to be careful how you approach her about this because she may end up divorcing you. It's a very sensitive subject for us women. I noticed myself because I struggled to fit into my clothes which depressed me. Maybe buy her a dress you know she would love, but get the dress to fit her when she was a healthier weight. That may encourage her to lose weight to fit into the dress. Don't tell her why you bought the dress a smaller size, if she asks just say that's the size I've always bought you. That's what encouraged me when I couldn’t fit into my favourite dress. Couldn't even get it over my thighs.


I agree 100%. She does drink a lot of wine and I honestly think most of her calories come from liquid intake which we shouldn't be having. She's been getting the $1 jumbo Cokes at the gas station a lot more often etc.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Anytime you tell someone that their weight bothers you, there is going to be hurt feelings, which could possibly lead to resentment.
> 
> Perhaps you could tell her what you told us about how your sex life has changed and that you'd like to get back to where you used to be, without mentioning a word about her weight.
> 
> I think @Blondilocks comment about taking photos of her in her bikini was funny, but she's not far off either. Often times we don't really "see" ourselves until it's in a photo. I don't know how you'd pull this off without being obvious and hurting her feelings though.


It's a Slippery slope which is why I came here on how to approach this. I don't want her to feel bad, nor give her an ultimatum or anything along those lines. I owned a gym and was a trainer for many many years so I know how to approach things with regards to not hurting someones feelings etc. but a client is a lot different than a Significant Other.

As for feeling the pain I agree with this 10000000000%. In my previous relationship my wife was pregnant and I was competing at an event. I was up and ready to compete and one of my fiends asked "Hey, I thought your wife was pregnant." I replied that she was and he said, "it looks like you're the one carrying the baby." I blew the match I was competing in because of that statement and I was beyond pissed but it changed my life. I literally went to the gym after the match and haven't stopped since and that was over 14 years ago. We need to feel pain in order to make the changes but I don't want the pain to come from me.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> There are some that are attacking him.


Thank you for saying this as several were def. attacking me. I get it that it is a sensitive subject but no need to be so rude.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

So, we went out and got home an hour or so ago. We got home and she started meal prepping for the week. I asked what she was doing and she said she was going to start eating better. She said she will start low carb next week but wants to clean things up this week so it's not so extreme. I told her it was a great idea and I was happy she was doing this because it also saves money and I can steal some of her food as I'm working on my summer cut. Maybe wearing the bikini bothered her more I realized. She also said she wanted us to take pup for a hike this week up the mountain. I'm happy about this esp. since she did it on her own without my saying anything.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Weight loss & women 
Firstly, did anything change in her life when she started putting on weight? Many people overeat, lose motivation etc if stressed.
Sorry OP & all for the long post, and if I'm stating the obvious.
Around 30, women start putting on weight meaning you have to eat less and do more exercise to maintain the same weight. In fact there can be a big spike around 30. Happened to me.
This phenomenon increases as women get older so one has to continue to eat less and less and do more exercise.
In the 40s the perimenopause sets in bringing hormonal weight gain. Later with menopause (early 50s for many women), it gets worse and the average weight gain is about 25 lbs. During all of this our metabolic rate slows with age (for men too) which doesn't help. The cellulite problem creeps in as well through all this.
It's quite rare to see a woman in her forties with the figure of a 25-year-old, outside of Hollywood (they have to).
Then there's pregnancy. If you're going to have kids be prepared for that. It's very difficult to lose weight after pregnancy and with each pregnancy it gets harder. Most women never get their figure back again. When a baby arrives, there isn't much time for exercise and strictly monitoring ones food etc.
Maintaining weight for women as we get older is a lifelong effort, and extremely boring to be quite honest. The billion dollar diet industry is there because so many people don't actually lose weight and keep shelling out dollars to do so. If we put on weight and lose it, we never go back to the having a taut body cos the skin has been stretched. It loses its tautness with age too.

She knows she's overweight. If my H was reminding me, regardless how subtle he was, I'd get pretty p*ssed off. As if I didn't know! It could cause a drop in her self-confidence too. And I'd have to wait until I was motivated myself to lose weight. Him bothering me about it would probably work against it. There are heaps of factors that play into motivation. I don't exactly jump up and down at the thought of exercise, there are so many things I'd rather be doing. Strictly monitoring calorie intake is the same. Tedious and boring. That's a big reason why so many people are overweight and it's getting worse. Yes, I know, fast food doesn't help. And there's the yo-yo thing too. (BTW, the 5:2 is excellent as per the BBC documentary years ago. Fast for 2 days, normal for the 5. I'm sure you've heard about it. Doesn't feel as if we're depriving ourselves as much cos it's only 2 days out of the week but it gets the calorie deficit).

Every woman I know, younger and older, has gone through the above and yes, put on weight, every year another few pounds to varying degrees. The ones who have maintained their weight and still look slim are few and far between. Most stacked quite a bit on over the years. Yet most of them are also in long, clearly happy, marriages that have stood the test of time despite the weight gain.

I'm just trying to be very factual and 'real' here. I have no idea what your fiancé will do in the years to come. In fact you have no way of knowing either. I really have no solution for you apart from mentioning that marriage is a lifelong commitement whatever it brings. I don't mean that in a bad way at all and it's not a dig at you.
Also there aren't too many men, that I know anyway or even see on the street, who have the body of a 25-year-old in their 40s so to speak.
At 46 you have the body of a 25 year old but you said you work out 6-7 days per week. How many people do that, men or women? And you've never been pregnant, aren't perimenopausal and will never be menopausal LOL. You probably pay strict attention to your diet too. See what I mean about effort? Women have to work a lot harder to achieve the same due to Mother Nature.
I'm talking the average person in this post.
I'll (finally) finish with this. I didn't see my first love (we met at 16) until 25 years later. He was bald and quite overweight so I didn't even recognise him at first. We chatted and laughed for a couple of hours. I remember saying to a friend afterwards that the same spark was still there, despite the baldness and his weight, and I'd have run off with him all over again, if I wasn't married LOL. He was the same person to me that I met all those years ago .
(Sorry OP, only saw your previous post after I wrote this bible. Interesting that she did it on her own so maybe what I said above, that reminding her about it probably won't work, is correct. It would be for me.)


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

********** said:


> Weight loss & women
> Firstly, did anything change in her life when she started putting on weight? Many people overeat, lose motivation etc if stressed.
> So sorry OP & all for the long post, and if I'm stating the obvious.
> Around 30, women start putting on weight meaning you have to eat less and do more exercise to maintain the same weight. In fact there can be a big spike around 30. Happened to me.
> ...


Men usually slow way down on T production. So we do go into manopause so to speak. I did at 37..but I did something about it. Many women refuse to address hormone issues or do not think they have a problem.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

UnderWhere said:


> At the end of the day I know she loves me and wants nothing more than to be with me. You can be a hater all you want. All I was asking was how to approach a difficult conversation. We aren't breaking up and I'm not dumping her or any of the horrible advice that has been given here. It seems most here are very bitter and look for the worst in every situation. If you can't help then please don't comment.


WTH dude! I am speaking of the ones attacking you!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Fair enough @Divinely Favored. I wasn't aware of that. What's the average weight gain? Still, you guys don't get pregnant LOL. But in the same way, many men mustn't address it either. Was it hard work to get back to your normal weight? Refusing to address it or not thinking they have a problem is fine by me. It's the choice of the individual and their right after all, like everything in life. Today's society tends to judge people quite harshly for being overweight which is sad tbh.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)




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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

From what you have said it's not the exercise that is the issue because she does loads of walking, but the diet. 
Again from what you have said it's easy to see why she has gained. The frequent calorie rich Starbucks, the wine, the coke and the fast food with her mum are the culprits. If she were to cut those out the weight would drop off. Even cutting out 2 of those 4 things would help a lot. 
What she actually eats at home probably isn't the issue, more the drinks and the fast food when out. 

If I had all those things I would be massive. We have none of those things plus we eat heathily but even so we struggle not to gain weight. 

I remember watching a programme about this lady who needed to loose weight. She drank loads and loads of coke. That's all she drank. By just replacing that with water she lost loads. You wife also has the Starbucks that are high in calories, the wine and the fast food. Really it's surprising she hasn't gained more with all of that. 

It's good she wants to cook heathily at home, but unless she also cuts out that other stuff it may not help too much.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> From what you have said it's not the exercise that is the issue because she does loads of walking, but the diet.
> Again from what you have said it's easy to see why she has gained. The frequent calorie rich Starbucks, the wine, the coke and the fast food with her mum are the culprits. If she were to cut those out the weight would drop off. Even cutting out 2 of those 4 things would help a lot.
> What she actually eats at home probably isn't the issue, more the drinks and the fast food when out.
> 
> ...


In my experience when you cut out something like that, you may not gain as fast but you don't actually just drop off the pounds. It takes a lot more than that to lose weight especially when you're not really that far overweight.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> In my experience when you cut out something like that, you may not gain as fast but you don't actually just drop off the pounds. It takes a lot more than that to lose weight especially when you're not really that far overweight.


It’s a lot more complicated and difficult than people who have never had to do it realize. It’s not a matter of taking the stairs and drinking your water, celebrities say that but they’re lying. Weight loss is hard and takes a long time and a lot of pain and suffering. It’s dismissive and cruel to say someone can walk a bit and drink some water and it will make a difference.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> In my experience when you cut out something like that, you may not gain as fast but you don't actually just drop off the pounds. It takes a lot more than that to lose weight especially when you're not really that far overweight.


It worked fur the lady in question. If you are consuming say 1000-1500 calories more than you should each day and you cut them our you will loose weight.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s a lot more complicated and difficult than people who have never had to do it realize. It’s not a matter of taking the stairs and drinking your water, celebrities say that but they’re lying. Weight loss is hard and takes a long time and a lot of pain and suffering. It’s dismissive and cruel to say someone can walk a bit and drink some water and it will make a difference.


If you drink 4 large bottles of coke each day and change that to water it really makes a difference. At least it did with the lady I was talking about.
Believe me I know it's not easy but OP's wife is consuming far too many calories through her wine, Starbucks, coke and fast food. Cutting out just the fast food and Starbucks drinks will help. It's not recommended to loose note than 1-2 lbs a week anyway unless you are vastly overweight.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UnderWhere said:


> So, we went out and got home an hour or so ago. We got home and she started meal prepping for the week. I asked what she was doing and she said she was going to start eating better. She said she will start low carb next week but wants to clean things up this week so it's not so extreme. I told her it was a great idea and I was happy she was doing this because it also saves money and I can steal some of her food as I'm working on my summer cut. Maybe wearing the bikini bothered her more I realized. She also said she wanted us to take pup for a hike this week up the mountain. I'm happy about this esp. since she did it on her own without my saying anything.


That's good news... it seems that your "message" got through. Eating healthily is very important, so that's a good step in the right direction. One little advice: never go overboard with your comments about her weight, because it will backfire. But I'm sure you know this...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Helloo87 said:



have you tried limiting junk food in the house or making healthy meals for the both of you?

Click to expand...

*With all due respect, the guy isn't her FATHER for God's sakes, and it's not his JOB to control what his wife eats. She's an adult, capable of making her own choices.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

********** said:


> Fair enough @Divinely Favored. I wasn't aware of that. What's the average weight gain? Still, you guys don't get pregnant LOL. But in the same way, many men mustn't address it either. Was it hard work to get back to your normal weight? Refusing to address it or not thinking they have a problem is fine by me. It's the choice of the individual and their right after all, like everything in life. Today's society tends to judge people quite harshly for being overweight which is sad tbh.


I dropped 60 lbs in 6 weeks due to stress, back when wife and I were at odds and I was contemplating divorce. But that is another story. 

My whole family went low carb a few months ago, son and I lost around 30 each, wife about 20. Just by cutting out sugar and carbs. Feel better and more energy. Eat breakfast(eggs,bacon), protein shake at 10am, lunch(may be protein shake), protein shake at 3pm and light supper. 
Along with HRT by both wife and I to retain and build muscle that also eats fat, all are more muscled.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> In my experience when you cut out something like that, you may not gain as fast but you don't actually just drop off the pounds. It takes a lot more than that to lose weight especially when you're not really that far overweight.


That depends on how much of those things the person is consuming. If you can eliminate a 500cal/day drink that can really make a difference. That is 1lbs a week of you consume something like that every day. You just have to be careful to not replace it with something else. 

And you are absolutely right that it is harder the closer you are to being your idea weight. Even so, my wife was able to lose a few pounds over the course of several weeks by switching to a less sweet version of her chai latte she has ever day. She did that while not even technically being overweight, just getting close to the upper end of what is considered normal weight for her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> So, we went out and got home an hour or so ago. We got home and she started meal prepping for the week. I asked what she was doing and she said she was going to start eating better. She said she will start low carb next week but wants to clean things up this week so it's not so extreme. I told her it was a great idea and I was happy she was doing this because it also saves money and I can steal some of her food as I'm working on my summer cut. Maybe wearing the bikini bothered her more I realized. She also said she wanted us to take pup for a hike this week up the mountain. I'm happy about this esp. since she did it on her own without my saying anything.


My wife has never been overweight, but she has gotten close to the upper range for her height of 5'4". When she has gotten close to the upper range for her height, something like 140-145, she will have a little bit of a belly that she doesn't like looking at while wearing a bikini. That seems to be a good motivator for many women. I love her however she is and I've learned to never mention a need for dieting, no need to, except in terms of eating healthy for health's sake. She's put up with my not so sexy periods of weight gain, so I won't ever give her a hard time unless she really was getting to the point of not being healthy. 

As others have said, change has to originate from the individual, you can force it on them. It sounds like you wife made a good choice, now your best bet is to support her and simply let her know you are here to help and support her if needed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think coming from you it’s never going to work.

What kicks me in the pants is a friend of mine saying we’re going to do a race, event, basketball league etc… but it’s a peer it wouldn’t be my wife going “damn you need to lose a few”.

Seems like you already tried that.

One possibility is to approach it from a health aspect, that you’re worried about her. If you can get her into her primary care the doctor will not be happy about a 40 pound weight gain and would surely ask her about it. That may or may not do it.

If mom is feeding her pizza and Big Macs it’s easy to burn through your TDEE calories with just that one meal especially if she’s not working out.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

On Starbucks, if you get your wife to order them on the app the calories smack you right in the face.

Since my wife started using it she changes up what she gets a bit. They’re still 210-280 calories depending on what she orders but she accounts for that and kind of keeps track and changes things up when she gets one of those.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

********** said:


> Fair enough @Divinely Favored. I wasn't aware of that. What's the average weight gain? Still, you guys don't get pregnant LOL. But in the same way, many men mustn't address it either. Was it hard work to get back to your normal weight? Refusing to address it or not thinking they have a problem is fine by me. It's the choice of the individual and their right after all, like everything in life. Today's society tends to judge people quite harshly for being overweight which is sad tbh.


It is likewise their choice in whether or not they want to protect their relationship by staying healthy and attractive to their spouse. I do think one owes it to their spouse to try to remain healthy. 

When one gets married, me, me, me should become us, us, us. It is about the team from then on or else one should not marry.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think coming from you it’s never going to work.
> 
> What kicks me in the pants is a friend of mine saying we’re going to do a race, event, basketball league etc… but it’s a peer it wouldn’t be my wife going “damn you need to lose a few”.
> 
> ...


Wonder how often in something that requires a partner, if one spouse is not able to participate due to weight, the other spouse being partnered with a physically fit hottie, has induced dread and spurred the other spouse to change to get on track.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Wonder how often in something that requires a partner, if one spouse is not able to participate due to weight, the other spouse being partnered with a physically fit hottie, has induced dread and spurred the other spouse to change to get on track.


Perhaps something like a co-Ed pickleball league 🤔


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> It worked fur the lady in question. If you are consuming say 1000-1500 calories more than you should each day and you cut them our you will loose weight.





Diana7 said:


> If you drink 4 large bottles of coke each day and change that to water it really makes a difference. At least it did with the lady I was talking about.
> Believe me I know it's not easy but OP's wife is consuming far too many calories through her wine, Starbucks, coke and fast food. Cutting out just the fast food and Starbucks drinks will help. It's not recommended to loose note than 1-2 lbs a week anyway unless you are vastly overweight.


I have actually quit Cokes in the past that I drank all day and I didn't lose any weight from it. Most people miss them and replace them with other food. It's kind of how like if you smoke cigarettes and quit smoking. Losing weight takes drastic cut back on calories as well as lots and lots of exercise.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That depends on how much of those things the person is consuming. If you can eliminate a 500cal/day drink that can really make a difference. That is 1lbs a week of you consume something like that every day. You just have to be careful to not replace it with something else.
> 
> And you are absolutely right that it is harder the closer you are to being your idea weight. Even so, my wife was able to lose a few pounds over the course of several weeks by switching to a less sweet version of her chai latte she has ever day. She did that while not even technically being overweight, just getting close to the upper end of what is considered normal weight for her.


It just comes down to you have to do a complete diet. It's certainly good to get Cokes and sugary drinks out of your diet but most people are going to replace them with diet drinks, and artificial sweeteners seem to turn to carbs in your system. Many people who drink soft drinks are using that for their sugar fix and are going to need a different sugar fix. I know I certainly do.

There is no easy way to lose weight. It has to become your priority in life and requires a lot of work, a huge amount of discipline, and a selfless amount of sacrifice. So a person needs a lot of motivation to do it which has to come from within.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

You definitely need to be intentional with eating if you want your body to feel good and if you don't want to gain alot of weight, especially as you age. I also believe that genetics has ALOT to do with how your body burns and stores calories, and how your hormones fluctuate. You simply cannot say, "Just do this, it worked for me!", because everyone's body chemistry is very different.

The important thing is to have a body that feels strong and easy to move, so you can do the things that make you happy. It sounds to me like the OP missed her being happy and confident, which is what made her sexy to him more than how she looked.

@UnderWhere, It's not typical for a woman in her 20s to gain that much weight in a year when she's not sitting around eating bags of chips and quarts of ice cream all the time. She might have something else going on, so if she seems to really struggle to take the weight off now that she's committed to try, she might need to talk to her doctor and have her hormone levels checked to see if she has anything that is out of balance.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Instead of trying to go for the "looks" method of getting in shape, what about appealing to the health aspects? Maybe if you approach it that you are concerned that this may start affecting her health, she may be more accepting of the advice?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, I’ve only gotten through about half of these responses, but it’s pretty much gone the way I assumed it would.

you would be a called a sugar daddy and shallow.

standard procedure.

I’ve been where you are. There is nothing you can say to help her. She needs to want this for herself. Period.

what I can say is this: you aren’t shallow at all. You have standards. No different than a woman that has standards. Problem is, the standards that women typically have are not considered shallow. Just the way things are. Neither women or men standards are wrong…. But men’s standards are just considered taboo.


what I think you need to do is come to a place where a specific amount of weight gain is your breaking point. What is the highest amount you can accept? I say this because you are looking for a life long partner, correct? At some point, her health will come into question with the excess weight. If she can’t love herself enough to be at a healthy weight, she also doesn’t really love your marriage either. It is selfish to have one spouse completely neglect their health and expect the other to take care of them as they eat their life away. It is disrespectful to themselves and to their partner.

also, there is that weight limit where you will eventually lose attraction to her. Nothing worse than waking up to someone every day that you are no longer attracted to. And this has nothing to do with age. I’m in your age group and personally find many women our age and older that are knockouts. I think you are fully aware that we change over time. But not taking care of your health is a different animal all together.

if you’ve lost attraction to her and she isn’t willing to take care of herself (for herself and your marriage), then maybe it is time to move on.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I wonder if you guys broke up, would she suddenly hit the gym really hard so she could lose the weight for other men?
> 
> Gaining 40lbs in a couple of years in your 20s is a big problem. Either it's a health/hormonal issue (like Thyroid Disease, Estrogen Dominance, or PCOS), or it's a diet problem. She didn't gain that weight from eating a cheeseburger here and there.
> 
> She is on a path of very poor health at this rate, and it clearly affects how she feels about herself, so I wonder why she doesn't care anymore.


Agreed. She is pretty young to be that overweight. Regardless of OP expectations physically, it is not healthy. 29?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is likewise their choice in whether or not they want to protect their relationship by staying healthy and attractive to their spouse. I do think one owes it to their spouse to try to remain healthy.
> When one gets married, me, me, me should become us, us, us. It is about the team from then on or else one should not marry.


You were a fitness trainer/owned a gym and probably more body-conscious than most.
40 lbs between age 24 to 29? Was it gradual?

It's going to take a lot of determination from her, forever. It's a lifestyle choice.
She'll have to have the same determination as you and she's probably less body-conscious than you in that's she's put on weight.

It can only happen if she decides so herself as most are saying.
You can encourage it by suggesting building working out together into your lifestyle i.e. a routine; a run every 2nd day before or after work/interval training on 2 exercise bikes at home/the gym.
You tried that & she didn't like it because you expected too much. Don't give up cos it didn't work before. Try again and ease off the expectations on her when there. Don't go into trainer mode LOL.
A lot better than telling her she needs to do it iykwim. It becomes a 'we' thing & afterall, you met at the gym and did it before .
You eat together so the diet thing is easy to address. 
This could cause a big problem in the future so it needs to be addressed now in one way or another. 
The Mom thing sure is a spanner in the works but if she has to see a gastro, she might have to give up all that junk. No ideas on that one, sorry!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If she cuts out those sugary special coffee drinks and scales back on liquor, that should make a dent. Combine that with healthier eating and some light exercise and at 29 , she should be able to get her weight down to normal healthy levels.

I get the feeling that she’s not really into the super crazy fitness lifestyle like she did at 24. Maintaining that level of fitness takes a lot that most are not willing to do. You love and have fully embraced that fitness lifestyle but I suspect your fiancé wants to just live a life of moderation. The question for you is, can you accept her if that were the case? I’m not saying her at 170 but her maybe at 140 ? No 6 pack just a regular woman?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> I'm certain some here will call me shallow and I accept that.


I won't say that. Everyone needs to be attracted to their SO. And maybe if she put on weight to the point of being obese (think Jabba the Hutt), I'd say you have a legit beef.

But I will say, 17 year age difference? Sure, that works now because you are still in your relatively young 40s. When you start being a wrinkled 60some year old man, she'll still be in her hot 40's.

So I wouldn't be so picky if I were you, because 15 years from now or so, your age difference will start to really show, and maybe she might not like how you look then.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Weight issues are only going to be solved if the overweight person wants to. I get form the OP's posts that the wife is not that interested. She is trying now, but I doubt it will a lasting effort. Once you get into that mind frame, it's difficult to reset it. Very often, you need to solve your personal issues before you can get to next level. Of course, some people just enjoy eating and couldn't care less about getting fat or their partner's wishes...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I've never been a fitness trainer...I have a state office job. People can loose weight fast if you cut out sugar and carbs. Used to drink Dr Pepper, cut out soft drinks and lost 15lbs in short order.

They might care when they are excluded from some activities with their SO, due to their inability to participate because of self imposed limitations arising from health/weight gain.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

drencrom said:


> I won't say that. Everyone needs to be attracted to their SO. And maybe if she put on weight to the point of being obese (think Jabba the Hutt), I'd say you have a legit beef.
> 
> But I will say, 17 year age difference? Sure, that works now because you are still in your relatively young 40s. When you start being a wrinkled 60some year old man, she'll still be in her hot 40's.
> 
> So I wouldn't be so picky if I were you, because 15 years from now or so, your age difference will start to really show, and maybe she might not like how you look then.


That may apply for most regular men but this guy’s life revolves around fitness so he will probably be one of the men that are in top shape well into his 60s. That kind of balances out because I’m getting the vibe that his fiancé is probably going to be a regular woman, who’s not looking to live like she’s an athlete. So if anything dooms them, it won’t be him falling behind her physically, it will be lifestyle incompatibility.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> That may apply for most regular men but this guy’s life revolves around fitness so he will probably be one of the men that are in top shape well into his 60s. That kind of balances out because I’m getting the vibe that his fiancé is probably going to be a regular woman, who’s not looking to live like she’s an athlete. So if anything dooms them, it won’t be him falling behind her physically, it will be lifestyle incompatibility.


Doesn't matter. You can only beat out the effects of age so long. So unless he plans some major face/body lifts, the wrinkles will come. I'm in my early 50's. Still have my hair, getting gray though. I go to the gym every day and am very fit. But I'm starting to look older, not wrinkly yet mind you, but it's coming, and a woman in her 40's who will still be relatively young looking, likely doesn't want to be dating or married to someone that is starting to look like their grandad.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> That may apply for most regular men but this guy’s life revolves around fitness so he will probably be one of the men that are in top shape well into his 60s. That kind of balances out because I’m getting the vibe that his fiancé is probably going to be a regular woman, who’s not looking to live like she’s an athlete. So if anything dooms them, it won’t be him falling behind her physically, it will be lifestyle incompatibility.


I've been in fitness/Martial Arts the majority of my entire life. I did get out of shape for a bit when my ex wife was pregnant. I would agree that I'm different than most. I had pretty major surgery last year and was only out of the gym for 10 days total pre and post surgery. I don't see myself ever being out of the gym as it's my way of life so looking younger when I'm in my late 50's and 60's is highly likely.  I also live in the present.

Will she leave as I get older? Maybe and possibly. Who knows? That said, I'm going to enjoy the time I have with her while I do and live the best life I can. She's absolutely beautiful and is an amazing partner. I would love for her to lose a bit of weight. I also understand the aging process. My ex wife over the course of the 16 years we were together put on weight, took it off, put it on, etc etc. I understand what happens to women when they are in their 30's and 40s. The majority of my previous clients were all middle aged women.

I don't expect her to be super model skinny (wouldn't want that anyways) but to just lose even 10lbs. would be fantastic. She has the will power and determination to do it when she wants to. Her weight def. fluctuates which most people do. I do the same even when I'm going to the gym. It's part of life and it's also not healthy to be super lean year round.

As for HOW to lose the weight I know better than most. I know how to diet, how to exercise, counting macros etc etc. We also know that low carb works best for her but unfortunately it isn't sustainable year round. But, if she does it for even 1 month she will drop 15lbs. in that month. I always tell her 1-2lbs per week is a healthy fat loss as the faster you lose it the faster it comes back on.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jsmart said:


> That may apply for most regular men but this guy’s life revolves around fitness so he will probably be one of the men that are in top shape well into his 60s. That kind of balances out because I’m getting the vibe that his fiancé is probably going to be a regular woman, who’s not looking to live like she’s an athlete. So if anything dooms them, it won’t be him falling behind her physically, it will be lifestyle incompatibility.


I agree with this. He needs to find someone better suited. At his age, I don’t see why he needs to marry at all, honestly. Why risk his assets? Just date younger women from his gym and when they start to look old, find a new one, a la Jack Murphy.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> Will she leave as I get older? Maybe and possibly. Who knows?


I wasn't implying that she'll leave you in the future. Just to be careful how picky you get, because later on, she can get picky too.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I agree with this. He needs to find someone better suited. At his age, I don’t see why he needs to marry at all, honestly. Why risk his assets? Just date younger women from his gym and when they start to look old, find a new one, a la Jack Murphy.


If all he would want to do is date someone in the short term, this would work out fine. Like I said, when he is in his mid to late 60's, he can't be as picky, whether he is fit or not.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Ooops! @Divinely Favored, I got you mixed up with OP


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This guy says he loves his fiancé but it seems like a few are assuming it’s all because of her young age. For a life long fitness junkie to be willing to accept a woman who’s let herself gain that much weight, I’d assume he really must care for her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UnderWhere said:


> she works full time but the way it works out is it comes out to approx 25 hours of actual work per week. She has a great career and she makes a great living. She’s not lazy in that regard she is just fortunate enough to have a career that grants her flexibility. I’m currently paying about 60% of our household expenses but she covered the majority of them for the past 2 years. That said, we don’t fight about money and that is almost never ever an issue.
> 
> she also does a ton around the house. She cooks all the time and she’s great at it. She does clean aswell and does laundry also but I do it more. I also work from home so doing house tasks during the day is easy for me. She cools and I do the dishes. Tasks around the house are prob 50/50. Again, we don’t argue about this eother
> 
> today she wore a Tankiniin the pool and she looked fine. She’s still beautiful and I’m very attracted to her but I do wish she would lose the excess weight before it goes to far. I also don’t know what she weighs and I’m prob way off. I know she was 130 when we met and she typically hovers around 145 but she’s def heavier than that right now. She’s prob closer to 155-160 but it could be higher. I’m not going to ask her to step on a scale


If you are prone to gain weight, it's always going to come back even when you sacrifice to lose it. When ou first said she was five six, I looked it up normal was up to 155 with a range going downwards. So if she's only 155 to 160 she's barely overweight. But she will likely gain more especially if she's having kids.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Doesn't matter. You can only beat out the effects of age so long. So unless he plans some major face/body lifts, the wrinkles will come. I'm in my early 50's. Still have my hair, getting gray though. I go to the gym every day and am very fit. But I'm starting to look older, not wrinkly yet mind you, but it's coming, and *a woman in her 40's who will still be relatively young looking, likely doesn't want to be dating or married to someone that is starting to look like their grandad*.


And you know this because you know her so well? Stop making passive aggressive comments because you hate the age difference. You sound bitter.

@UnderWhere
Maybe she was just got fit to get a partner. I know a lot of people who do this. Then when they achieve their goal. BAM! They pull the pin on the fat grenade. In those instances I observed, it never got better. Hope that is not the case for you though.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> From what you have said it's not the exercise that is the issue because she does loads of walking, but the diet.
> Again from what you have said it's easy to see why she has gained. The frequent calorie rich Starbucks, the wine, the coke and the fast food with her mum are the culprits. If she were to cut those out the weight would drop off. Even cutting out 2 of those 4 things would help a lot.
> What she actually eats at home probably isn't the issue, more the drinks and the fast food when out.
> 
> ...


That's what I did Diane when overweight. I knew it was because of the wine, cans and cans of coke and other crap. Drank water instead of all those unhealthy drinks etc and lost all the weight. Didn't even have to exercise.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

EunuchMonk said:


> And you know this because you know her so well? Stop making passive aggressive comments because you hate the age difference. You sound bitter.
> 
> @UnderWhere
> Maybe she was just got fit to get a partner. I know a lot of people who do this. Then when they achieve their goal. BAM! They pull the pin on the fat grenade. In those instances I observed, it never got better. Hope that is not the case for you though.


Pull the pin on the fat grenade. Omg that made me laugh so hard.

Some people pull the pin on the sexless grenade after securing a partner, too.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> That's what I did Diane when overweight. I knew it was because of the wine, cans and cans of coke and other crap. Drank water instead of all those unhealthy drinks etc and lost all the weight. Didn't even have to exercise.


Yep, totally agree. My wife drinks nothing but Diet Coke, and is always complaining about having horrible headaches. She also is content to just eat fast/junk food - yesterday she saw a box of donuts on the counter and opened the box and found it empty as the kids ate the last one. Needless to say, she wasn't happy, and this explains why she has to weigh as least as much as me (215 lbs) when I'm 6'2" and she's 5'7". She justifies in her mind that she hasn't eaten in a while, so having a donut, brownie, or candy isn't a big deal, and Diet Coke has no calories so that's good. Also doesn't help that her idea of exercise is getting up off the couch to get a snack - when a friend will text her to walk she'll turn them down saying she doesn't feel like it.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Pull the pin on the fat grenade. Omg that made me laugh so hard.
> 
> Some people pull the pin on the sexless grenade after securing a partner, too.


 Agree, Livvie, that is funny and sadly all too common. This also applies to your sexless comment as well.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I agree with this. He needs to find someone better suited. At his age, I don’t see why he needs to marry at all, honestly. Why risk his assets? Just date younger women from his gym and when they start to look old, find a new one, a la Jack Murphy.


My goal isn't to just sleep around with random women. I love my fiance to death and want to be with her and only her. Just because I go to the gym doesn't make me a scumbag


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> This guy says he loves his fiancé but it seems like a few are assuming it’s all because of her young age. For a life long fitness junkie to be willing to accept a woman who’s let herself gain that much weight, I’d assume he really must care for her.


She's an amazing woman. She's super intelligent, has a great career, helps people every day, she's beautiful, makes me laugh, smile, is great with my son, give me more love and attention than I've ever had before, and sexually she's perfect.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

EunuchMonk said:


> And you know this because you know her so well? Stop making passive aggressive comments because you hate the age difference. You sound bitter.
> 
> @UnderWhere
> Maybe she was just got fit to get a partner. I know a lot of people who do this. Then when they achieve their goal. BAM! They pull the pin on the fat grenade. In those instances I observed, it never got better. Hope that is not the case for you though.


I prob. shouldn't have posted the age difference as I know people get angry about it. My ex couldn't handle it and many have made comments over the years. Everything was stacked against us for many reasons and we pushed forward and are happy now. The age gap may be an issue in the future and I accept that. Like I said before, I'm happy now and want to continue with that happiness. If things change then I will will adapt but I'm not going to stop seeing her because something in the future may happen. I always expected to be with my ex wife forever and unfortunately things changed and I moved on.

Nothing in life is guaranteed but I will take each day that I'm happy for as long as I can. Will we be together forever? Who knows? I hope so but things may obviously change.

She got fit before because she was frustrated with how she looked. She went really hardcore and I wouldn't expect her to maintain that all the time. When she's around 145lbs. she looks amazing and I would be beyond happy with her being at that weight as she can be healthy and still be able to go out to eat etc and enjoy life


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, totally agree. My wife drinks nothing but Diet Coke, and is always complaining about having horrible headaches. She also is content to just eat fast/junk food - yesterday she saw a box of donuts on the counter and opened the box and found it empty as the kids ate the last one. Needless to say, she wasn't happy, and this explains why she has to weigh as least as much as me (215 lbs) when I'm 6'2" and she's 5'7". She justifies in her mind that she hasn't eaten in a while, so having a donut, brownie, or candy isn't a big deal, and Diet Coke has no calories so that's good. Also doesn't help that her idea of exercise is getting up off the couch to get a snack - when a friend will text her to walk she'll turn them down saying she doesn't feel like it.


Why do you remain married to an obese women that can't be bothered to keep herself healthy, disrespects you, tells friends a year with no sex is like hitting the lottery and has had sex with you, what, about 2 times in 3 years? She is a real piece of work and you just complain here then go back to putting up with it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@UnderWhere I get really p*ssed off when I read comments about the age difference. I know 4 very happy marriages with a 20-year difference. In one, he's now 75, she's 55 & they're one of the most dedicated couples I know.
My cousin is 17 years older than her husband. She was crucified at the time, and they kept it secret from most people for the first 2 years and only went public when they decided to get married. They're still together 15 years later. Ironically 3 of the people who were the most vocal critics at the time are now divorced.
Pay no attention to such judgemental comments.

It's good that your fiancé lost weight before when she put her mind to it because she now knows she can do it.
I have many friends who have tried so often. They lose a few lbs but never quite get there and end up with the mindset that it's something they will never achieve.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> @UnderWhere I get really p*ssed off when I read comments about the age difference. I know 4 very happy marriages with a 20-year difference. In one, he's now 75, she's 55 & they're one of the most dedicated couples I know.
> My cousin is 17 years older than her husband. She was crucified at the time, and they kept it secret from most people for the first 2 years and only went public when they decided to get married. They're still together 15 years later. Ironically 3 of the people who were the most vocal critics at the time are now divorced.
> Pay no attention to such judgemental comments.
> 
> ...


Thank you I appreciate that. Her mom and step dad are young (around my age) and we kept it from them for many months even though we were already living together. When I first met them it was awkward and her step dad took me outside. I told him I respected how they felt and I understood their concern but explained to him that we were happy and for some reason we just work. Fast forward and they both love me and are happy that we found each other. For those bashing me my ex wife was a week older than me. We were the exact same age. I left her when she was in her 40s. She was obviously skinnier when she was in her 20's and before we had a child together. I didn't leave her because she gained weight and/or got older. That had nothing to do with anything.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Yep, totally agree. My wife drinks nothing but Diet Coke, and is always complaining about having horrible headaches. She also is content to just eat fast/junk food - yesterday she saw a box of donuts on the counter and opened the box and found it empty as the kids ate the last one. Needless to say, she wasn't happy, and this explains why she has to weigh as least as much as me (215 lbs) when I'm 6'2" and she's 5'7". She justifies in her mind that she hasn't eaten in a while, so having a donut, brownie, or candy isn't a big deal, and Diet Coke has no calories so that's good. Also doesn't help that her idea of exercise is getting up off the couch to get a snack - when a friend will text her to walk she'll turn them down saying she doesn't feel like it.


You get what you tolerate dude. 
If she wasn’t this way when you married her, then you need to start setting some expectations, guiding her more effectively and changing this dynamic.
If she was like this when you married her, then you chose poorly. 
Either way, complaining is ineffective, counterproductive and weak. Stop complaining and do something to improve your situation.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

EunuchMonk said:


> And you know this because you know her so well?


Read again, key word...."likely".



> Stop making passive aggressive comments because you hate the age difference. You sound bitter.


I've seen older men date younger women in my community only to hear of only for things not to be all rosey once the men started to look like SS recipients, the women leaving them, cheating, whatever.

Not bitter...never happened to me. But nice try.

I only date women my own age. What the heck do I want in someone I have nothing in common with?

And the whole point, had you been paying attention, is that he shouldn't get too picky. Because she will have reason to be picky later on. Careful what one wishes for.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> Such an ignorant comment. I came here for advice on how to fix it so your comment is uncalled for


Ok, how tall is she and what does she weigh?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

********** said:


> @UnderWhere I get really p*ssed off when I read comments about the age difference. I know 4 very happy marriages with a 20-year difference. In one, he's now 75, she's 55 & they're one of the most dedicated couples I know.


Oh I'm sure there are exceptions. But in my experience, and seeing people in my community with a huge age difference, most of them did not end up well once the older of the 2 started getting in their mid 60's.

I'm also not saying when OP gets in his mid late 60's that the marriage will fail. The point is he shouldn't be picky on how she looks now because she can be picky later when he is looking like someone's grandad and she is still a relatively young hot 40 something. The pickiness can go both ways.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Helloo87 said:


> Could she be depressed?


My question also.

You met her at her peak fertility. You were an older, established dude with big bucks.

Five years later, no wedding (engaged sure, but how are the wedding plans progressing?) and a fertility window that is rapidly closing.

Does she want kids? Have you seen what childbearing can potentially do to a woman’s body. If she doesn’t want to work out now, what about when there’s kids to take care of, what will her motivation be like then?

Perhaps I’m wrong but knowing someone for five years is long enough to know if you want to marry them, or string them along just for the sex.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> Such an ignorant comment. I came here for advice on how to fix it so your comment is uncalled for


He wasn't talking to YOU...he quoted the other guy who has a totally different situation than you do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> Such an ignorant comment. I came here for advice on how to fix it so your comment is uncalled for


His comments were to another poster trying to compare his situation to your, but it ain't even close. You are here actually trying to fix your situation, while that other poster is just here bellyaching and will never change anything.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

UnderWhere said:


> I've been in fitness/Martial Arts the majority of my entire life. I did get out of shape for a bit when my ex wife was pregnant. I would agree that I'm different than most. I had pretty major surgery last year and was only out of the gym for 10 days total pre and post surgery. I don't see myself ever being out of the gym as it's my way of life so looking younger when I'm in my late 50's and 60's is highly likely. I also live in the present.


In a post you made somewhere, you stated that before you two met she wanted to "look better" so she hit the gym hard and lost weight and got fit etc. 

When you met her she was in the gym and was a hardbody and you dug that. 

And now that you are formally a couple, she is hitting Starbucks and junk food and seems to have no interest in the gym lifestyle. 

And in another post you called @dadstartingover arrogant for him saying that if you were to break up, she would again hit the gym and become a hardbody again. That was not arrogance, DSO was informing you of the reality. If you were to break up, she would change her diet and would hit the gym with a vengeance and within months would be a hardbody again and would get with some other buff dude from the gym. 

Here's the catch - She is not a lifestyler like you are. Her fitness waxes and wanes depending on her situation and interest level at that time. My guess is when she is single and on the market, she hits the gym hard, gets toned up and gets with fit dudes. 

When she's comfortable in a relationship, she lets herself go and enjoys banana splits and Netflix. 

Health and fitness and low body fat percentage are very important to you and an important component of your sexual attraction. That doesn't make you shallow or wrong, it makes you you. 

The problem is her baseline persona is not that of a health and fitness practitioner. She can hit the gym situationlay when she is single and looking for a buff boyfriend. But her baseline persona is someone that who's baseline idea of fitness is taking the dog for a walk and who's daily diet is sugary drinks, wine and junk food. 

You can browbeat her and threaten her and huff and puff all you want, but her persona is not a gym person or fitness buff. You can't take a bulldog and turn it into a greyhound. 

If being lean and fit is an important component in a mate, you are probably going to be better off going back to the drawing board and finding someone who also embraces health and fitness as a permanent part of their persona and is part of their actual lifestyle and not a situational excursion that they took after breaking up with with their previous boyfriend.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> Another ignorant comment. How do you know we have nothing in common? Why because I grew up watching Transformers and she watched Sponge Bob. At 24 she already had her Masters degree with ambitions of her PhD.


I said* I *won't anything in common with them. Not you. If somehow you found something in common, good on you. I know I won't. Even if someone 20 years younger than me likes the same stuff I do from the 80's, she can't truly relate as she'd have grown up in the late 90's early 2000's

So try reading next time before calling anyone else ignorant. That's twice you got it wrong now.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> Such an ignorant comment. I came here for advice on how to fix it so your comment is uncalled for


Um, you do realize my comment was directed to another poster right? It wasn’t directed to you.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Read again, key word...."likely".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


1. The men in your community are not OP. OP is clearly unusually health conscious, not the typical dad bod, beer belly having, henpecked suburbanite that probably dwells in your neck of the woods. I would say he will have good shelf life if he keeps this up.
2. So you are saying old and young people can never have similar hobbies, never like similar movies, etc? That is a foolish idea. Plus they don't need to have everything in common just fundamental values.
3. She may not have any reason to be picky later on if she keeps blowing up. All she will have is high cholesterol.

@UnderWhere
Sorry, but this looks like a bait and switch type of situation. I say seems because I only have what you wrote to go on. What about you? Have you changed your way of behaving? Becoming more needy and clingy so that she may have lost respect for you and is therefore not putting in the effort?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@UnderWhere asked for advice on how to encourage his fiancé to lose weight without hurting her feelings. 
However, there are posts intimating he's shallow, he's berated for the age gap & warned she might dump him when he's older. And she might! Though as @EunuchMonk said, his shelf-life will be better than most, appearance-wise anyway .

He said she's unhappy herself when overweight and has lost weight before.
Only this time she's put on more than usual, probably cos she's around age 30 now. The pounds sneak up faster with age and are harder to lose eg at 30 vs 25. Around 30 there's a spike for me, and my friends too, w/o babies or a change in lifestyle. He was married before and knows what babies can do to a woman's body. His first wife was heavier than when they first met but he stated categorically that weight had absolutely nothing to do the divorce.

So chaps, to get back to the OP's original question, have anyone managed to encourage your wife to lose weigh and give up/minimise junk food? Without hurting her feelings.
Or if you haven't, any ideas on how you might?

I know that ultimately she has to decide herself, but she's not happy with weight gain either and has addressed it previously, i.e. it's not just OP.
Cut him a break .


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

EunuchMonk said:


> 1. The men in your community are not OP. OP is clearly unusually health conscious, *not the typical dad bod, beer belly having, henpecked suburbanite that probably dwells in your neck of the woods.* I would say he will have good shelf life if he keeps this up.


Oh, bless your heart for an attempt at an insult. Sorry, barking up the wrong tree, and ignorantly I might add. Alot of people in my area, like me, hit the gym daily.

My comment had nothing to do with beer bellies or typical dad bods. It had everything to do with being older, looking older, and not being as appealing to their much younger spouses any longer. Again, some people can handle it, some people can't. I prefer to be with someone my own age, someone that is going to grow old with me(if I was in the market for such anyway). There's no stopping getting old. And no amount of working out is going to stop us from looking like a Shar Pei, and I'm not going to be one for plastic surgery.



> 2. So you are saying old and young people can never have similar hobbies, never like similar movies, etc? That is a foolish idea. Plus they don't need to have everything in common just fundamental values.


Nope, didn't say anything of the sort. I said that's the way it is for ME, not all old people, and I have many years before getting into my 60's. There are always exceptions.



> 3. She may not have any reason to be picky later on if she keeps blowing up. All she will have is high cholesterol.


Keeps blowing up? Oh, I get it now....you have a low opinion of women that put on a little weight. Got it.



> @UnderWhere
> Sorry, but this looks like a bait and switch type of situation.


Bait and switch? Hardly. He never answered the question of how tall is she and how much does she weigh. He inferred that she isn't obese or anything, just has a little more pounds than before.

Bait and switch? Yes, that has to be it. She fully intended to "blow up" to 250 pounds or so just to catch him and do something to risk happiness.

Ya, that's got to be it.


Anyway, not going to be a party to threadjacking here, so with that, @UnderWhere, to get an idea of her body type, how tall is she, and how much does she currently weigh.

Let me know that, and I can give you an answer from your question in the initial post.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

********** said:


> I know she has to decide herself, but she's not happy when she gains weight either, it's not just OP.
> Cut OP a break .


Umm...NO. If someone wants to post a question to an anonymous online forum, they shouldn't expect to get perfect answers from a bunch of imperfect people. He has also misunderstood most of the posts that he believes are attacking or insulting him.

I will never understand why people take the posts of strangers SO personally that they have to respond to every single one of them with a defensive, attacking retort. That's alot of wasted effort that could be saved by simply ignoring the responses that sound offensive or are not helpful. 

Maybe he supplements with Testosterone and needs to do a few more reps at the gym to burn off some of his anger and aggression...?? Lol!!!

JUST KIDDING!!!!! Don't get angry, I was just being silly and laughing at my own joke!!


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

drencrom said:


> Oh, bless your heart for an attempt at an insult. Sorry, barking up the wrong tree, and ignorantly I might add. Alot of people in my area, like me, hit the gym daily.
> 
> My comment had nothing to do with beer bellies or typical dad bods. It had everything to do with being older, looking older, and not being as appealing to their much younger spouses any longer. Again, some people can handle it, some people can't. I prefer to be with someone my own age, someone that is going to grow old with me(if I was in the market for such anyway). There's no stopping getting old. And no amount of working out is going to stop us from looking like a Shar Pei, and I'm not going to be one for plastic surgery.


Yeah, your preference, not his. Not everyone thinks like you. Crazy, I know.




> Nope, didn't say anything of the sort. I said that's the way it is for ME, not all old people, and I have many years before getting into my 60's. There are always exceptions.
> 
> 
> 
> Keeps blowing up? Oh, I get it now....you have a low opinion of women that put on a little weight. Got it.


Oh, the ol' you're a misogynist because your said something less than flattering about the women! Yes, I do have a lower opinion of people who don't care about their health. I do. I truly do.





> Bait and switch? Hardly. He never answered the question of how tall is she and how much does she weigh. He inferred that she isn't obese or anything, just has a little more pounds than before.


He did say her height and weight in the original post. Maybe you are not comprehending it through the veil of bitterness at the age difference.



> Bait and switch? Yes, that has to be it. She fully intended to "blow up" to 250 pounds or so just to catch him and do something to risk happiness.
> 
> Ya, that's got to be it.


Oh, so she gained the weight through none of her doing? Maybe the cookie monster put it on her while she slept. A silly attempt at a burn. She put on the weight through her poor decisions. It is her fault.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Edit: found my answer


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

EunuchMonk said:


> Yeah, your preference, not his. Not everyone thinks like you. Crazy, I know.


Uh, ya, that's why I said me and not him. It is my preference and likely not his. I don't know how much clearer that could have been.



> He did say her height and weight in the original post.


Yes he did, and I'll admit not sure how I missed it, but I'll concede that I did.



> Maybe you are not comprehending it through the veil of bitterness at the age difference.


And just how am I bitter at the age difference? She isn't my fiance, and I'm not dating someone 20 years older than myself or younger. Sorry, nice try.

In any case, with your initial post to me was an attempt at starting an insult fight, I'm done with you.


Anyway, 5'6", 170lbs. Ya, that's not fat by any stretch of the imagination. Could it be more than he likes? Apparently so. He wants them young and thin. So if he doesn't bring it up to her, how is he going to get what he wants? And if he doesn't get what he wants, what is he going to do about it? Leave her for another young thin gal?

I think if he wants her to lose weight, and encouraging to go to the gym isn't doing the job, @UnderWhere, you are going to have to tell her that you noticed she has gained weight and you are concerned. But be honest about it and tell her you aren't as attracted to her? Man up, be honest.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Umm...NO. If someone wants to post a question to an anonymous online forum, they shouldn't expect to get perfect answers from a bunch of imperfect people.


That's quite true @LisaDiane and OMG, I'm not angry with your joke LOL. Takes more than that .
It's a free country, thankfully! and equally so for any poster's comment. But it did seem a bit harsh on him and yes he did misunderstand some. I probably would too as it would fire me up too and I might easily misunderstand things in that headspace. 
After all OP was very honest re the age gap and his worry that he mightn't be attracted to her sexually later if she gains a lot of weight, which she will on her current path. Cos he was always gonna get a lot of flak from posters re both. 
I was mainly trying to steer the convo back to the original question and I was thinking of a way I wouldn't get p*ssed off if I was told I should lose weight .
I think it's a very interesting question. It's a delicate issue and a pretty loaded one LOL and possibly applies to many, whether a husband or a wife I might add .


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

********** said:


> I was mainly trying to steer the convo back to the original question and I was thinking of a way I wouldn't get p*ssed off if I was told I should lose weight .
> I think it's a very interesting question. It's a delicate issue and a pretty loaded one LOL and possibly applies to many, whether a husband or a wife I might add .


Well to put a visual to it, when I searched weight loss and what 5'6" and 170lbs looks like, this is what comes up, and all others look pretty much the same.

So if this is what OP is seeing, I guess I'm thinking he's protesting way too much.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

drencrom said:


> I think if he wants her to lose weight, and encouraging to go to the gym isn't doing the job, @UnderWhere, you are going to have to tell her that you noticed she has gained weight and you are concerned. But be honest about it and tell her you aren't as attracted to her? Man up, be honest.


Ouch! @drencrom. She might hit him over the head with a saucepan .
I know honesty is the best policy, especially in marriage.
But as I said above, it's a delicate topic, for lots of people anyway, maybe most! 
"Hey honey, I prefer it when you are a bit slimmer. If you lose weight (or 20 pounds or whatever) I'll take you on a holiday to Hawaii and you can prance around in your bikini."
I'm joking, kinda . Would defo be easier to take than 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' LOL.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

********** said:


> Ouch! @drencrom. She might hit him over the head with a saucepan .
> I know honesty is the best policy, especially in marriage.
> But as I said above, it's a delicate topic, for lots of people anyway, maybe most!
> "Hey honey, I prefer it when you are a bit slimmer. If you lose weight (or 20 pounds or whatever) I'll take you on a holiday to Hawaii and you can prance around in your bikini."
> I'm joking, kinda . Would defo be easier to take than 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' LOL.


I actually suggested it because that is the truth about the way he feels. The concern for her health, while may be a legitimate concern, isn't the real reason he is put off by it. Also, if she looks anything like the weight loss picture of someone who is now 5'6" and 170lbs that I posted above.....I don't get it.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@drencrom That's an interesting pic. So I did the same  It's the contrast though. Below is 150 to 130. . . so 170 to 130 is a pretty big change.
OP did say he doesn't expect her to stay at 130.
He's not trying to mask it as a health concern only either & said he'd probably be called shallow.
I'd probably be bothered aesthetically if my H put on that much and looked that different, especially if he was only 29. Maybe I'm shallow .
Agh! it's a vexed issue. I guess diplomacy is the question here .

F/27/5'6" [150 lbs > 130 lbs = 20 lbs] (11 months).


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Umm...NO. If someone wants to post a question to an anonymous online forum, they shouldn't expect to get perfect answers from a bunch of imperfect people. He has also misunderstood most of the posts that he believes are attacking or insulting him.
> 
> I will never understand why people take the posts of strangers SO personally that they have to respond to every single one of them with a defensive, attacking retort. That's alot of wasted effort that could be saved by simply ignoring the responses that sound offensive or are not helpful.
> 
> ...


Does testosterone supplementing make one angry and aggressive? Shoot. I have been considering it but thought that was just a stereotype. 

OP, do you supplement with testosterone?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

********** said:


> @drencrom That's an interesting pic. So I did the same  It's the contrast though. Below is 150 to 130. . . so 170 to 130 is a pretty big change.


I'll say, that woman at 130 is a greyhound. 170 at 5'6" still looks good. 



> OP did say he doesn't expect her to stay at 130.


But if that is 130, then we know that his standards are very high in the skinny department. The woman at 170 looked very good to me. But that's me.



> He's not trying to mask it as a health concern only either & said he'd probably be called shallow.


He did say he likes "healthy" people. But 5'6" and 170 isn't unhealthy. So it's about looks, not health. Now if she got up to 220 and above, then I'd say there is a point about the health, and even the attractiveness. But 170? I don't see it.



> I'd probably be bothered aesthetically if my H put on that much and looked that different, especially if he was only 29. Maybe I'm shallow .
> Agh! it's a vexed issue. I guess diplomacy is the question here .


Well again, even though I told him to be honest, only because of his true feelings on why he wants her thinner, he should tread lightly. If someone was honest with me and said I wasn't as attractive with just a little extra weight, it would motivate me to bust my ass to lose that extra weight and muscle up(and I do anyway). But then I would do it out of anger mostly and then the person I would be involved with that told me that would be picked apart, cuz now it would be my turn. But that's me. I'm sure OPs wife is a sweetheart.

F/27/5'6" [150 lbs > 130 lbs = 20 lbs] (11 months).
View attachment 87259


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Yup, the 130 is a greyhound but everyone's aesthetic is different. Some men like overweight ladies & curves etc too.
I know ppl in their 20s, slim! but they eat heaps of junk food. Being overweight is a visible sign only. I'd hate to see cholestrol, kidney, liver function etc & nutrition consumption levels too. Remember that documentary about McDonald's years ago? I forget the guy's name. Was pretty scary.

I still say OP didn't sell it as a health issue although he mentioned it. I got it from the first post that it was mainly aesthetic. And his fiancé doesn't like the weight gain herself so it's not like it's just OP's aethetic. 

Look, they sound like a lovely couple, they really do and seem very happy otherwise. Also, they've been together 5 years & she puts on weight in winter, then loses it but this time she put on more. He's actually be doing her a favour tbh. I keep pointing out that it gets a good bit harder to lose weight with each passing year, my personal experience & my female friends too. 
It would be great to see some kind of solution teased out diplomacy-wise. 
The Mom is probably an even bigger problem. I have no solution for that whatsoever. 
PS Sorry @UnderWhere. I feel like I'm power posting on your thread!


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> *Just because I go to the gym doesn't make me a scumbag*


Oh FFS, nobody said anything of the sort. I go to the gym every day M-F. 

Edit, that's Monday through Friday, not m'fer


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

********** said:


> @UnderWhere asked for advice on how to encourage his fiancé to lose weight without hurting her feelings.
> 
> However, there are posts intimating he's shallow, he's berated for the age gap & warned she might dump him when he's older.
> 
> ...


The thing is, she KNOWS she is putting on weight and she knows that it is healthier to exercise and have a proper diet and she surely knows that he likes fitter chicks since he went for her when she was fit. 

Smokers know they should not smoke and that they are at high risk of lung disease, heart disease and cancer. 

Alcohols know they should not drink. 

Druggies know they should not take drugs. 

Everyone knows they should eat right, exercise and maintain a healthy BMI. 

Everyone knows they are more attractive the more fit and buff they are. 

What she may not know is what his upper limit on what he finds acceptable is. She may think he's ok with an 30 or so lbs. 

The issue is he is not. It IS impacting his attraction and desire for her and his esteem for her. 

So, she can either be told comforting lies that it is ok to pack on 30-40lbs and that he should love her for her personality and character and that 40lbs doesn't or shouldn't matter. 

Or she can be told uncomfortable truths that her weight gain is negatively impacting his desire and esteem for her and if she doesn't address that, he will lose attraction and desire for her. 

Which would you rather contend with if you were in her position. Do you want the comforting lies or the uncomfortable truth so that you know where you stand? 

For me personally, I would rather face the sting of the truth and know the reality that my partner was losing desire for me if I was putting on weight, rather than being comforted with lies and living in a sexless marriage and then to come home to an empty house one day because she ran off with some buff dude from the gym. 

She's not dumb. She's not uninformed or missing some piece of useful information. She knows that fit chicks are more attractive. She knows that buff dudes prefer fit chicks. When she was previously overweight, she hit the gym, got fit and then got with the OP so she knows he liked her when she was more fit. 

This is not the mystery of the phynx here. This isn't some secret code that needs to be cracked. She knows that her level of desirabilty will decrease with her weight gain. 

The only thing she doesn't know is what his limit is and how much leeway she has. 

And since she is creeping up on his upper limit, he needs to be honest about that. 

From there it's her choice and her preference on whether she wants to keep him, ditch the lattes and get back in the gym - Or keep the wine and lattes and the Netflix and send him back to the gym to find another skinny chick. 

That is HER choice either way but it is at least an informed decision.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One also has to wonder what her reaction to the OP would be if HE were to put on 40lbs? 

He's already significantly older. If he were to lose the 6-pack and the pecs and delts, what would her reaction be to a guy in his upper 40s now???

Remember, they met in the gym when she was hit'n it hard to lose weight. So she is likely into buff dudes herself. 

But where as he is a lifelong health and fitness buff who lives that was as a lifestyle, she did it temporarily to get the buff guy and then went back to sugar loaded drinks and junk food and went from busting it out in the gym to taking the dog for a walk for exercise. 

I'm willing to bet she would not be anywhere as forgiving if he were the one that had packed on 40lbs.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@oldshirt Yup, I get what you said in your last 2 posts but I'm very very doubtful if she did it just to trap a buff guy. Whatever you might think, most women aren't that devious and are not just looking for a buff guy. Crikey! 
Maybe some airheads & she sure doesn't sound like an airhead. 

I was wondering same i.e. if he put on 40 pounds. 

To answer your question, I'd prefer if H told me but of course I'd already know so I'd pbly hit him on the head with a saucepan anyway 😆 😆 😆 .
Seriously though, for some reason I'd have lost motivation.

Her pattern; adding it in winter & losing it b4 summer, gains & loses easily (but won't lose easily when she's older!)
So maybe the question is why the change? Why the lack of motivation? Something going on with her? or complacency is setting in? which most will probably put it down to.
She defo knows & OP is a gym guy. Does she know his limit? But she has said she wants to lose it. So her current weight is her limit too. She was disappointed herself when she wore the bikini. I think OP said that? Might also explain why she's not as keen on dressups.

I keep mentioning the Mom cos experts say weight loss is 70% diet and 30% exercise.
All this talk about weight loss had me on my exercise bike today and I'm not even overweight LOL. And I'm defo not a diet psychologist if there's such a thing.

8 pages now, no solution & I'm still doing long posts LOL.
Sorry @UnderWhere. Maybe as per @oldshirt you have to just come right out & say so. Might be the only way that it will hit home and motivate her.
BUT, you could sweeten it (unfortunate word in this context LOL) by saying if she cuts out the junk with Mom, it will probably fall away anyway and use the 70%:30% diet:exercise thing.
You're also right @UnderWhere when you said early on it's a lifestyle rather than gaining/losing yoyo thing. I can't imagine anything worse tbh. Darn tedious for her if nothing else.
So, you could ALSO say you hate seeing her have to struggle before every summer to lose the winter gain cos it's stressful for her & hard work!
And you don't like seeing the disappointment in her face when she dons her bikini (tho can't quite remember if you actually said that somewhere).
And I'd ask if there was anything I could do to help her with it, rather than volunteering to.
As a female I'd probably take it much better if it was put to me like that.
A toned-down version of @oldshirt heh heh! 😆


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

********** said:


> @oldshirt, all true in your last 2 posts. I was wondering same i.e. if he put on 40 pounds.
> I'd prefer if H told me but of course I'd already know so I'd pbly hit him on the head with a saucepan anyway 😆 😆 😆 .
> Seriously though, for some reason I'd have lost motivation.


That's kind of my point, she knows as well. 

Hearing him say it will have a sting to it. 

But won't having him lose desire and esteem for her sting more? Won't it sting more when he starts to reject her physically and emotionally as he loses all desire for her. 

This is an uncomfortable and inconvenient truth but the reality is for a relationship to work long term, the man really needs to desire the woman and think she is hot and all that. A podcaster and marriage therapist that calls herself Dr Psych Mom has a very good podcast about that. 

A woman needs to respect and admire her partner for the relationship to work and be healthy and happy. 

And similarly a man needs to desire and cherish his partner for it to work and be healthy and happy. 

If those things are not in place, the relationship will flounder. 

The OP is no more shallow or superficial than anyone else. He values health and fitness and health and fitness are a part of his lifestyle and simply part of what he is and what he does. 

She is not a part of that lifestyle and does not embrace that lifestyle. 

She dieted and exercised temporarily when she wanted to lose weight and attract a fit man. But once she reached those specific goals, she reverted back to her baseline persona which is wine and soft drinks and junk food and no mindful exercise. 

This is largely about compatibility and she does not embrace health and fitness and it is not a part of her persona and lifestyle like it is his.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> She dieted and exercised temporarily when she wanted to lose weight and attract a fit man. But once she reached those specific goals, she reverted back to her baseline persona which is wine and soft drinks and junk food and no mindful exercise.
> 
> This is largely about compatibility and she does not embrace health and fitness and it is not a part of her persona and lifestyle like it is his.


But it wasn't temporary to 'trap a man'. She has maintained her weight for 5 whole years and OP hasn't minded her gaining some in winter and losing it.
And she doesn't like being overweight herself, she says it.
If you read what OP said about her and them as a couple outside this issue, and he said lots, it sounds as if they're very compatible . She does all the junking with her Mom, not excusing it but it's her lifestyle 'with Mom', not OP. Would she do the junking if Mom wasn't there? Possibly not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

********** said:


> But it wasn't temporary to 'trap a man'. She has maintained her weight for 5 whole years and OP hasn't minded her gaining some in winter and losing it.
> And she doesn't like being overweight herself, she says it.
> If you read what OP said about her and them as a couple outside this issue, and he said lots, it sounds as if they're very compatible . She does all the junking with her Mom, not excusing it but it's her lifestyle 'with Mom', not OP. Would she do the junking if Mom wasn't there? Possibly not.


I'm not saying she did anything nefarious or malicious. 

What is the first thing people do when they get divorced or a relationship comes to end?? Answer - they hit the gym, eat better and lose weight. .....then get the new wardrobe to fit the new bod. 

Many people actually start this process BEFORE they break up so they can either attract another partner before the break up or can at least hit the ground running the moment the axe comes down. 

We all do it, it's nothing nefarious and it's not about "trapping" anyone. People are simply more attractive and are more successful at finding a new mate the more fit and attractive they are ..... period. 

The difference between the OP and a huge percentage of the average man and woman on the street is the OP is into health and fitness as part of his permanent persona and lifestyle. 

He didn't join a gym and workout to GET fit. He does it as a lifestyle because that is who and what he is and he IS fit. 

She on the other hand is part of the 95% that set a goal to lose a certain amount of weight, obtained a gym membership, through away her stash of Oreos and bought some chicken breast and steamed vegatables for awhile until she was look'n good and got a new, buff BF at the gym............... then she went back to her baseline lifestyle. 

I'm not saying that as a judgement or disparagement. Only a small minority of people intentionally follow a healthy and exercise program AT ALL after they get out of school where they are forced to take PE. 

An even smaller yet percentage do it consistently for appreciable periods of time. 

And a very tiny percentage actually adopt it as permanent lifestyle and pursue health and fitness as part of their daily life permanently. 

She is part of the 95% and he is part of the 5%.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Has it ever occurred to you that we women like to look our best, for ourselves? and it's not just for men? which is a very unhealthy attitude. If I meet my girlfriends (& no not go to clubbing! going to restaurant etc), we all dress up just as much as if going on a date.
Losing weight before the divorce in order to attract someone ASAP sounds kinda ludicrous. I know lots of divorcees. I haven't witnessed any of them doing that. Most of them didn't bother losing weight post-divorce either, or if so took a long time to even do it.
I binge-ate in the last couple of years of my marriage due to the stress, some people drink etc. First thing I did after was to lose a heap of weight. But, I had 3 young children and the last thing on my mind was finding a new man. Wasn't interested and was no way gonna introduce a step-Dad into the mix for many years until they were much older. And I didn't. I kept the weight off all those years when I had actively decided not to date anyone. It was for me. . .

95% sounds ridiculously high. Maybe it is in the USA. I live in Europe & it's certainly not the case here. 
Also, lots of my friend's husbands run mini or full marathons or cycle, the newer craze, some cycle a couple of hours before work. A doctor friend says the heart is like a car, miles on the clock, and they should ease off. Anyway, their wives aint no gym bunnies & marriages are doing pretty fine.
We're continuing with the game of ping pong LOL.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't understand why women are so sensitive to overweight talk. I've told my husband to let me know as soon as he feels I'm getting fat. I want him to have the freedom to be honest with me so I can do something about it. 

I've been small all my life. Women know how to make a skinny person feel uncomfortable. It's ok to talk about how skinny someone is, but it's wrong to talk about how fat someone is. It's a crazy double standard. 

I really don't understand why spouses can't tell each other "honey, I love you but the extra weight doesn't look good on you." This is honesty. Maybe couples only want honesty when situations are not uncomfortable? 

I really don't understand this, and I hope my husband never has to ask advice on how to be honest with me.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

That's true re women @pastasauce79. A woman 'friend' texted another woman saying that I was skinny and men don't like skinny women but she sent the text to me by mistake 😆. Apparently happens when you're talking about someone, you send it to them. I'm not anorexic, just at the low limit for my height, most of my life. I wouldn't ever have a problem being called too skinny LOL.

I understand the sensitivity about weight though. I was overweight for a couple of years early in my marriage and hated it. I'd have been p*ssed off if H mentioned it cos he'd know very well that I'd know he didn't like it & that I didn't like it myself and so I hardly needed to be told. It wasn't dishonesty, everyone involved was aware LOL, just not talking about it.

It took me a while to get motivated, kids, busy with full-on career, a horrible boss and having to work lots of overtime. In fact I lost the weight when I changed jobs.

I put it back on years later in the year or two leading up to our divorce (no it was not the cause LOL). I lost it again after the divorce and it has remained the same since. Related to stress with me.
Have you ever been overweight? Would H really have to tell you? If you haven't, I can tell you that you'd know, probably long before H noticed. The notch on the belt is the best indicator.

OP's fiancé will know very well he doesn't like it. It's not a question of honesty but whether he should say so in the hope of motivating her. It might & it might not. That's the conundrum!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> The thing is, she KNOWS she is putting on weight and she knows that it is healthier to exercise and have a proper diet and she surely knows that he likes fitter chicks* since he went for her when she was fit.
> *



I don't want to burst the bubble you've based your many responses on; but...


UnderWhere said:


> And, that is fair. It is obviously HER decision to make and not mine to make for her. I get that and would never give her an ultimatum or anything like that. I want to motivate her as when she's in shape she's clearly way more confident in every aspect of her life. *I met her when I started training her and she lost a lot of weight.
> *



In other words, she was not fit when he met her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't want to burst the bubble you've based your many responses on; but...
> 
> In other words, she was not fit when he met her.


Perhaps not the moment they met but she was working diligently at it and that has an appeal of its own. 

My general point here is he is very into health and fitness and it is something that is very important to him and a part of his lifestyle. 

He was drawn to her at a time she was also into that even if she didn’t have the perfect beach bod at the first moment they met.

Now that she is no longer into that lifestyle at all, it is impacting his attraction to her.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

My 10 year relationship recently ended.

Why? Because when we met she was slim and athletic. In the past year or two she put on as much as 30-40 lbs, she's got a large belly, her butt has lost it's nice shape and her neck is showing the effects too. I'm simply no longer attracted to her, and we haven't had sex much at all. She knows why, and was unable or unwilling to do anything about it. She broke up with me, because of the rejection/lack of sex.

Best thing she ever did for me.

To the Op- you need to seriously reconsider whether you want to deal with an obese partner for what is supposed to be the rest of your life. Odds are it's going to get worse, not better.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Uh, ya, that's why I said me and not him. It is my preference and likely not his. I don't know how much clearer that could have been.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Everyone keeps saying that I like them young and thin. My ex wife was a week older than me. I've only ever dated someone with an age gap this one time. Yes, I'm attracted to women that are in better shape. Every man on earth is and that is OK. I'm VERY attracted to her even as she is but I clearly prefer when she is thin. She is not fat or obese by any stretch. Nobody would ever see her and think she is fat. It's not about manning up to tell her I want her to make the effort to change without making her feel like crap. She's been doing a little better this week but as I write this she is out to eat with her friends. UGH


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> She's been doing a little better this week but as I write this she is out to eat with her friends. UGH


Do you think she'll make unwise or unhealthy food choices? Could it be possible that she'll opt for something healthy?


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think she'll make unwise or unhealthy food choices? Could it be possible that she'll opt for something healthy?


Guarantee she had 3 glasses of wine min. and prob. got French fries and a burger or something so I'm going to say def. not. If she didn't get wine that it's prob. 4 glasses of beer at least. They've been gone for 4 and a half hours


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your view of the lady in your life is that of lust, not love. You are placing a great deal of priority on appearance. Maybe the weight she was before was lighter than her norm. Perhaps she has become more comfortable with you. Is that bad? COVID and isolation has packed pounds on many people. If you are looking for arm candy and you are truly turned off my her appearance by all means move on.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If you only want a mindless Piece of ass cut bait. She’s probably better off.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> Guarantee she had 3 glasses of wine min. and prob. got French fries and a burger or something so I'm going to say def. not. If she didn't get wine that it's prob. 4 glasses of beer at least.


Two things strike me about this. If she drinks that much, I hope she only does so occasionally. Tons of empty calories in booze, not to mention that drinking a minimum of three glasses of wine should get her somewhat drunk. So I hope they're relying on Uber for a ride home (or a designated driver). Also, if she eats fries and a burger, it doesn't mean she's going to blimp up. If it's a rare thing, it's no big deal. However, if these things are a staple in her diet, then she's not living a particularly healthy lifestyle.

Y'know, she may just want to eat whatever she chooses and not hit the gym that often. If you don't like her choices, then I guess you'll have to decide if you want to remain in the relationship. Perhaps she doesn't value the healthy lifestyle as much as you do.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> If you only want a mindless Piece of ass cut bait. She’s probably better off.


Thanks, because that's what I said I was looking for.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Two things strike me about this. If she drinks that much, I hope she only does so occasionally. Tons of empty calories in booze, not to mention that drinking a minimum of three glasses of wine should get her somewhat drunk. So I hope they're relying on Uber for a ride home (or a designated driver). Also, if she eats fries and a burger, it doesn't mean she's going to blimp up. If it's a rare thing, it's no big deal. However, if these things are a staple in her diet, then she's not living a particularly healthy lifestyle.
> 
> Y'know, she may just want to eat whatever she chooses and not hit the gym that often. If you don't like her choices, then I guess you'll have to decide if you want to remain in the relationship. Perhaps she doesn't value the healthy lifestyle as much as you do.


The restaurant is a 1/4 mile away and her friend was driving so no issues with her ever driving drunk. If she stays at the weight she is now I have no intentions on leaving. If she got up to 200lbs. and wouldn't change it would prob. be a different story. It's summer, we have a pool, I was hoping she would be in better shape. I must be the worlds biggest asshole esp. since she's younger than me. God forbid


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> The restaurant is a 1/4 mile away and her friend was driving so no issues with her ever driving drunk. If she stays at the weight she is now I have no intentions on leaving. If she got up to 200lbs. and wouldn't change it would prob. be a different story. It's summer, we have a pool, I was hoping she would be in better shape. I must be the worlds biggest asshole esp. since she's younger than me. God forbid


Try not to be so thin skinned. You are going to get crap from people here on almost any topic. It is just the way it is, but even they may offer something you never thought of if you keep an open mind and don't take things personally. 

You should let her know how you really feel, as kindly, but truthfully as you can. And as @Prodigal was getting at, she is who she is. If she doesn't have the same interest in a health and fitness lifestyle as you that is just who she is. You have to decide if you can live with that. The age difference is irrelevant.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> Everyone keeps saying that I like them young and thin. My ex wife was a week older than me. I've only ever dated someone with an age gap this one time. Yes, I'm attracted to women that are in better shape. Every man on earth is and that is OK.


It is ok if that is someone's preference. But not every man on earth is attracted to only those to what they perceive as being in "better shape". You described your fiance as 5'6" 170lbs. That is not even close to being fat or even a little overweight by any stretch of the imagination. I prefer someone to have some meat on her bones and not look like a greyhound.

And some men, although it boggles the mind, are in to really big women. So no, not "every man on earth". 



> I'm VERY attracted to her even as she is but I clearly prefer when she is thin. She is not fat or obese by any stretch. Nobody would ever see her and think she is fat. It's not about manning up to tell her I want her to make the effort to change without making her feel like crap. She's been doing a little better this week but as I write this she is out to eat with her friends. UGH


See, right there. You are upset she is out to eat with her friends uttering "UGH" in disgust. I'd say do her a favor. Find someone with that perfect body. Let her find someone that isn't going to go "UGH" at the thought of her enjoying herself out to dinner here and there since she clearly isn't overweight.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> The restaurant is a 1/4 mile away and her friend was driving so no issues with her ever driving drunk. If she stays at the weight she is now I have no intentions on leaving. If she got up to 200lbs. and wouldn't change it would prob. be a different story. It's summer, we have a pool, I was hoping she would be in better shape. I must be the worlds biggest asshole esp. since she's younger than me. God forbid


Has nothing to do with her being younger. The age difference, which YOU felt the need to bring up, was talked about as a way to get you to see that in the future, she could choose to be picky as well. Not that you having a much younger wife is something to scorn. To each their own, just know that the age difference likely, or maybe not, will be much more apparent to her once you start getting more up there in age.

Anyway, again, it's not the age difference. It's your attitude towards her weight which, IMO, isn't overweight at all and actually, by your description, sounds damn hot to me. That and your disgust at the idea that she is trying to do better, then you "UGH" at the idea that she'd have the gall to go out and enjoy a dinner with friends. I hope she didn't get the lasagna. God help her if she did.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is sounds to me most like you are turned off by her _unhealthy eating and drinking habits_. Lots of fast food, fried food, alcohol, and mega high calorie Starbucks drinks. I think that's what bothers you, more than the resultant 40 pound weight gain. 

I get it, that would turn me off in a partner, too.

I wonder if you are worried how these unhealthy eating and drinking habits will play out as time goes on. I don't even know her and I'm concerned. 

The thing is, that's who she is. There are many women who wouldn't dream of consuming the things she does on a regular basis. She isn't one of them. I doubt she is going to suddenly change who she is at the core.

I think you need to accept she's a drinker and a fast food eater, either that or leave the relationship.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

********** said:


> Has it ever occurred to you that we women like to look our best, for ourselves? and it's not just for men? which is a very unhealthy attitude. If I meet my girlfriends (& no not go to clubbing! going to restaurant etc), we all dress up just as much as if going on a date.
> Losing weight before the divorce in order to attract someone ASAP sounds kinda ludicrous. I know lots of divorcees. I haven't witnessed any of them doing that. Most of them didn't bother losing weight post-divorce either, or if so took a long time to even do it.
> I binge-ate in the last couple of years of my marriage due to the stress, some people drink etc. First thing I did after was to lose a heap of weight. But, I had 3 young children and the last thing on my mind was finding a new man. Wasn't interested and was no way gonna introduce a step-Dad into the mix for many years until they were much older. And I didn't. I kept the weight off all those years when I had actively decided not to date anyone. It was for me. . .
> 
> ...


yeah it is actually normal for people to exercise a lot when they are going through divorce, break up, etc. 

It doesn't have to be consciously to be attractive but being more attractive will certainly help your self-esteem and help you get through the thing. And as you workout, the weight drops and you DO feel better about yourself. It's a lot more healthy way of dealing with something hard then drinking more or isolating one's self. If you think that is not a thing you're incorrect. 

It's quite possible (and likely imo) that the fiance was motivated to work out and look/feel better when she was single, and then get a little comfortable (happy) and not as motivated. That is totally normal.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> It's quite possible (and likely imo) that the fiance was motivated to work out and look/feel better when she was single, and then get a little comfortable (happy) and not as motivated. That is totally normal.


It's also quite normal that as one is younger with less responsibility, then ends up being the primary bread winner, things can get a little lax. I know there are days which I do not want to work out after work. I just don't want to. Which is why I do it over my lunch hours.

Sounds to me like, as the bread winner, that she is doing damn good at 5'6" 170lbs.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

drencrom said:


> It is ok if that is someone's preference. But not every man on earth is attracted to only those to what they perceive as being in "better shape". You described your fiance as 5'6" 170lbs. That is not even close to being fat or even a little overweight by any stretch of the imagination. I prefer someone to have some meat on her bones and not look like a greyhound.
> 
> And some men, although it boggles the mind, are in to really big women. So no, not "every man on earth".
> 
> ...


So she can’t enjoy life? She lives to visually please you?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> So she can’t enjoy life? She lives to visually please you?


This meant for OP I'm assuming and not me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Try not to be so thin skinned. You are going to get crap from people here on almost any topic.


You don't get crap on many other relationship sites... TAM seems one of the worst offenders...


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## Gfawkes (8 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> It is ok if that is someone's preference. But not every man on earth is attracted to only those to what they perceive as being in "better shape". You described your fiance as 5'6" 170lbs. That is not even close to being fat or even a little overweight by any stretch of the imagination. I prefer someone to have some meat on her bones and not look like a greyhound.
> 
> And some men, although it boggles the mind, are in to really big women. So no, not "every man on earth".
> 
> ...


She's "overweight." At 5'6" and 170, that's BMI of 27.4 ...well into the "overweight" classification and just 2.1 points from "obese."

Just because Target now has fat manikins, it doesn't make it right, attractive or healthy. 

Leave a BMI calculator at her place at the table. No need for you to hint when science can do the dirty work.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> You don't get crap on many other relationship sites... TAM seems one of the worst offenders...


Like which other sites?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drencrom said:


> It's also quite normal that as one is younger with less responsibility, then ends up being the primary bread winner, things can get a little lax. I know there are days which I do not want to work out after work. I just don't want to. Which is why I do it over my lunch hours.
> 
> Sounds to me like, as the bread winner, that she is doing damn good at 5'6" 170lbs.


She isn't the breadwinner now. She works only 25 hours a week. 

And for awhile it was a 60 40 split so not a huge discrepancy. 

Also it sounds like excessive consumption during fun leisure time is the issue.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

snowbum said:


> So she can’t enjoy life? She lives to visually please you?


Lots of people "enjoy life" without pumping themselves full of alcohol, 1,500 calorie Starbucks drinks, cheeseburgers, fries, and almost daily fast food.

I enjoy the **** out of my life, and I have never, and would never, put that **** in my body on any kind of regular basis.

But this woman does.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Like which other sites?


I'm not revealing them, because I don't want them to be contaminated...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Lots of people "enjoy life" without pumping themselves full of alcohol, 1,500 calorie Starbucks drinks, cheeseburgers, fries, and almost daily fast food.
> 
> I enjoy the *** out of my life, and I have never, and would never, put that *** in my body on any kind of regular basis.
> 
> But this woman does.


It sounds to me she does it occasionally, not everyday.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> It sounds to me she does it occasionally, not everyday.


40 pounds is a lot and didn't come from nowhere. He said she'd been eating fast food with her mother everyday. It's who she is. There are plenty of people who wouldn't do that even if the person they are hanging out with was a fast food junkie.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> 40 pounds is a lot and didn't come from nowhere. He said she'd been eating fast food with her mother everyday. It's who she is. There are plenty of people who wouldn't do that even if the person they are hanging out with was a fast food junkie.


ok, I must have missed that bit... 

EDIT: I found it... well, junk food and lots of wine are... erm... a recipe for a disaster...


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

drencrom said:


> It's also quite normal that as one is younger with less responsibility, then ends up being the primary bread winner, things can get a little lax. I know there are days which I do not want to work out after work. I just don't want to. Which is why I do it over my lunch hours.
> 
> Sounds to me like, as the bread winner, that she is doing damn good at 5'6" 170lbs.


eh, not really. It sounds like it may not be the same person he thought he was engaged to. It goes a lot further than just not wanting to work out.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Gfawkes said:


> She's "overweight." At 5'6" and 170, that's BMI of 27.4 ...well into the "overweight" classification and just 2.1 points from "obese."
> 
> Just because Target now has fat manikins, it doesn't make it right, attractive or healthy.
> 
> Leave a BMI calculator at her place at the table. No need for you to hint when science can do the dirty work.


I posted a picture of a woman who lost weight and she showed her 5'6" 170lb frame. I don't care what the "BMI" says, she is not overweight.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> eh, not really. It sounds like it may not be the same person he thought he was engaged to. It goes a lot further than just not wanting to work out.


Well, then I guess he better get on the stick and dump her for someone he can control.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

drencrom said:


> Well, then I guess he better get on the stick and dump her for someone he can control.


They certainly seem to have different lifestyles. He is hardly 'controlling' her but it is probably difficult not to notice the difference in the way she lives now-- drinking, fast food, lazy, working less-- than she did when they met.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> They certainly seem to have different lifestyles. He is hardly 'controlling' her but it is probably difficult not to notice the difference in the way she lives now-- drinking, fast food, lazy, working less-- than she did when they met.


He isn't controlling her. But his disgust at her being out to dinner with her friends tells me he wishes he could. 

I know, especially with the "as we speak" comment about her being out with friends to eat, maybe he can show her these posts? You now, so she can really get an idea of how he feels?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Ok, here is someone that documented their weight loss at 5'6" from 233 lbs to 174lbs

Thoughts? I'm sorry, the at 5'6" 174lbs, she looks damn good.

5'6 Female 58 lbs Weight Loss 232 lbs to 174 lbs (myprogresspics.com)


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

And another.

25 lbs Weight Loss 5 foot 6 Female 190 lbs to 165 lbs (myprogresspics.com)


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Whether she still looks okay or not isn't the issue.

The issue is her eating habits. Lots of alcohol paired with constant fried and fast food and mega calorie coffee drinks. Imagine the sugar, sodium, and fat she consumes. I wonder what her blood work looks like.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not revealing them, because I don't want them to be contaminated...


Yet you still read and post here, even though it's one of "the worst"....


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Whether she still looks okay or not isn't the issue.
> 
> The issue is her eating habits. Lots of alcohol paired with constant fried and fast food and mega calorie coffee drinks. Imagine the sugar, sodium, and fat she consumes. I wonder what her blood work looks like.


Nah, while I'm sure eating habits are a thing with him, his real issue is she isn't as thin as he would like. If she were 5'6" and 130lbs, he wouldn't be cringing at her eating a burger.....long as she's thin. It's more about how she looks. But like I said, maybe he can do them both a favor and find someone that looks good to him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Nah, while I'm sure eating habits are a thing with him, his real issue is she isn't as thin as he would like. If she were 5'6" and 130lbs, he wouldn't be cringing at her eating a burger.....long as she's thin. It's more about how she looks. But like I said, maybe he can do them both a favor and find someone that looks good to him.


It’s never about health, is it? 🙄 But honestly, when a very young girl goes after a man old enough to be her father, she should expect that she will be expected to stay young and physically perfect, that’s the draw, after all. Even more, in this case he’s a trainer. He is very into that lifestyle and made no secret of it. She had to know he would expect her to maintain that lifestyle permanently, even without the age gap. She can’t have not expected this. Part of me wonders if she’s not sabotaging the relationship on purpose.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> I must be the worlds biggest asshole esp. since she's younger than me. God forbid


I'm confused as to why you tossed in this comment after quoting something I said. I didn't touch on the age difference, since I was focused on your concerns about her lifestyle choices vis-a-vis her health and weight. 

Scratching my head on this one. No need to get this defensive, particularly since I never mentioned the age thing.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s never about health, is it? 🙄 But honestly, when a very young girl goes after a man old enough to be her father, she should expect that she will be expected to stay young and physically perfect, that’s the draw, after all. Even more, in this case he’s a trainer. He is very into that lifestyle and made no secret of it. She had to know he would expect her to maintain that lifestyle permanently, even without the age gap. She can’t have not expected this. Part of me wonders if she’s not sabotaging the relationship on purpose.


As people get older, priorities change, work sometimes causes us to be complacent, etc. I don't think anyone wants to tank their looks out of sabotaging. But then again, I think he's being very picky here. She isn't 220lbs or anything like that. If she starts to get a muffin top oozing out of her jean waist, I can definitely understand. There is gaining a little extra weight, then there is just letting yourself completely go. 5'6" 170lbs is not the latter. Not even close.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> As people get older, priorities change, work sometimes causes us to be complacent, etc. I don't think anyone wants to tank their looks out of sabotaging. But then again, I think he's being very picky here. She isn't 220lbs or anything like that. If she starts to get a muffin top oozing out of her jean waist, I can definitely understand. There is gaining a little extra weight, then there is just letting yourself completely go. 5'6" 170lbs is not the latter. Not even close.


I hear you and it’s not, but when you look at her lifestyle changes (unhealthy eating with her mom, etc) she’s on a slippery slope. He said she took the initiative to get it back under control, which is good. I would encourage her to do that, because weight loss does NOT get easier as you age. If she sticks to her resolve to be healthier and is at 170, that’s one thing, but if she continues on this trajectory her thirties are going to be fluffy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Yet you still read and post here, even though it's one of "the worst"....


lol… I’m trying to add some balance here…


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

just try to ignore some posts here, i hope you will find some good advice too, i put 20kg weight in the last few years, going from being petite woman 162cm/48kg to at my heaviest weighing 68kg. im now back to 56kg and trying to lose 2 more kilos before i think i will be happy with my weight again.my partner was commenting on me putting weight on but it was only seeing photos in bikini(so like you noticed this with your wife)from my holiday in greece that motivated me to lose weight.i think with lots of people they need to make this decision themselves.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I always suggest that couples attack problems from a team perspective.

In this case, I think you should frame it as her MOTHER that has the problem. Didn't you say that she was seeing a gastro specialist early in the thread? Clearly there are some nutrition/digestion issues going on there. Maybe suggest, coming from a health expert perspective, to your fiancée that when she's out with her mother, she should try redirecting their activities away from consuming such empty calorie foods. Because you're 'concerned about her mother's health' and you are generating team solutions for what you AND your fiancée can do to help her.

But that would have the side effect of creating healthier eating habits in your fiancée as well. Then, when she's out with her friends, she'll either be healthier there too, or the splurge won't be so damaging because it's rarer.

Meanwhile, suggest more active things as date ideas, instead of sedentary ones. Keep her moving.

But women aren't stupid. She knows she's gained weight. Even if she doesn't watch the scale, she's probably had to buy all new clothes in the last few years because her previous ones stopped fitting. If she's sensitive about it, don't say anything yourself at all, just be ready to be supportive if she mentions wanting to lose some.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> In fact like I said before I completely hate her young sorry a$$. Where do you guys come up with this nonsense?


And just where do you come up with your rude and defensive responses?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, your attitude is very nasty; I suggest you consider why. This is a public forum and you will get different responses and perspectives.

If they don't apply then they don't apply....either explain why or ignore them. Usually when people get their backs up it's because a nerve has been touched.

You might consider if there is any truth to the comments that touch said nerves. It may help you navigate your issue.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

ewam said:


> just try to ignore some posts here, i hope you will find some good advice too, i put 20kg weight in the last few years, going from being petite woman 162cm/48kg to at my heaviest weighing 68kg. im now back to 56kg and trying to lose 2 more kilos before i think i will be happy with my weight again.my partner was commenting on me putting weight on but it was only seeing photos in bikini(so like you noticed this with your wife)from my holiday in greece that motivated me to lose weight.i think with lots of people they need to make this decision themselves.


Congrats on the weight loss that is amazing and thank you for your kind post. I thought about taking a pic of her but she would have killed me. haha. We had talked about getting "Summer Ready" together and I already started and am currently very lean and happy where I"m at this early in the season. I joked last night about how WE need to step up our games in order to be Bikini Ready. I always joke that I'm wearing a bikini too. I usually say we need to be bikini ready. Her mom got her blood work results back and her Cholesterol is SKY HIGH and they are putting her on meds and making her change her diet/exercise. I told them both they should just meal prep together (my fiance LOVES to cook her mom CANNOT cook but wants to) and they should go to the gym together. We shall see what happens.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, your attitude is very nasty; I suggest you consider why. This is a public forum and you will get different responses and perspectives.
> 
> If they don't apply then they don't apply....either explain why or ignore them. Usually when people get their backs up it's because a nerve has been touched.
> 
> You might consider if there is any truth to the comments that touch said nerves. It may help you navigate your issue.


I have a gerat attitude and I'm a very positive person but when the majority of people on here are twisting what I'm saying trying to make me look like a loser I'm going to defend myself and stick up for myself. I will never be bullied anywhere at any time if it's online or in person. Sorry, I'm not a Beta man.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> ... but when the majority of people on here are twisting what I'm saying trying to make me look like a loser


I asked you respectfully about your gf's eating/drinking habits. Then I suggested she may want to make poor eating choices regardless of how you feel. What did you do? Started blasting some nonsense in response to my post that I did NOT even say. You said in your response to me (see post #166): "I must be the world's biggest asshole esp. since she's younger than me. God forbid."

AGAIN, I NEVER MENTIONED HER AGE IN MY RESPONSES TO YOU. You are being belligerent and rude and just shooting from the hip. But a moderator is on this thread and has taken note of your responses to me and to others. Knock yourself out. So much for actually trying to help you. Jeesh!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No matter what you say, or how tactfully you say it, the message she gets will be the same — you think she’s overweight. It’s really up to her and if summer and a pool aren’t enough to motivate her, then you know that she’s made her choice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A 40 pound weight gain in your 20s because you eat fried, fast, and very high calorie food and drinks isn't just a matter of solving with a few tweaks to get "bikini ready". 

It shows what your true eating values and habits are. She is a person who is okay with putting that crap in her body, regularly. 

I notice OP hasn't addressed this at all. Sure, her mother has been told to change her ways. They doesn't mean this fiancée has magically changed her eating and drinking core values.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

UnderWhere said:


> I have a gerat attitude and I'm a very positive person but when the majority of people on here are twisting what I'm saying trying to make me look like a loser I'm going to defend myself and stick up for myself. I will never be bullied anywhere at any time if it's online or in person. Sorry, I'm not a Beta man.


Great. So be an alpha and defend yourself without insults and nastiness, which violates forum rules.

You've had plenty of posts that were just fine so I know you can do it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> A 40 pound weight gain in your 20s because you eat fried, fast, and very high calorie food and drinks isn't just a matter of solving with a few tweaks to get "bikini ready".
> 
> It shows what your true eating values and habits are. She is a person who is okay with putting that crap in her body, regularly.
> 
> I notice OP hasn't addressed this at all. Sure, her mother has been told to change her ways. They doesn't mean this fiancée has magically changed her eating and drinking core values.


I wouldn't get hysterical over it. I went through a period in my 20's where I put on 20 or 30 pounds, but eventually I went back to running (which I'd done in college) and put myself back together. It's not great but it's hardly the end of the world.

The fact is that most people put on a few pounds here and there, OP included (by his own admission). Yet he seems to have put himself together, so why not afford her the same courtesy? If you can't handle these ebbs and flows you're not long term relationship material.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn't get hysterical over it. I went through a period in my 20's where I put on 20 or 30 pounds, but eventually I went back to running (which I'd done in college) and put myself back together. It's not great but it's hardly the end of the world.
> 
> The fact is that most people put on a few pounds here and there, OP included (by his own admission). Yet he seems to have put himself together, so why not afford her the same courtesy? If you can't handle these ebbs and flows you're not long term relationship material.


I guess we disagree. I don't see the basic existing values and habits around food that were described here by OP as an "ebb and flow of weight", but more of an issue about said values and eating habits. 

I get the impression OP would be less distressed about the weight gain if she wasn't eating the kinds of things she's eating in a very regular basis. Fast, fried, high calorie sugar laden crap.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I guess we disagree. I don't see the basic existing values and habits around food that were described here by OP as an "ebb and flow of weight", but more of an issue about said values and eating habits.
> 
> I get the impression OP would be less distressed about the weight gain if she wasn't eating the kinds of things she's eating in a very regular basis. Fast, fried, high calorie sugar laden crap.


It is hard to say whether it's indicative of longer term trends. It wasn't for me, and I knew I had to snap out of it. She's already indicated she knows she needs to tighten up. 

Let's assume OP was doing the same thing during his ex's pregnancy.....he tightened up.

One thing I can say wirh pretty good certainty: him nagging her about going out with her friends will accomplish nothing. She's either of a mind to get control of things or she's not.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> I've been small all my life. Women know how to make a skinny person feel uncomfortable. It's ok to talk about how skinny someone is, but it's wrong to talk about how fat someone is. It's a crazy double standard.


Not with my buddies. Interestingly “fat” is one of the only unprotected classes in the workplace so it’s common with the guys I work with if we’re having an argument someone inevitably says something like “shut up you ****ing fat ****”! Another favorite is, “At least I’m not fat.” Or… “Wally why are you so ****ing fat?” This can be used out of the blue too. You’re in a meeting and you just blurt it out.

At the gym the other day I was like **** I am so fat. One of the fighters was like how much do you weigh and I told him 250. He goes “Well you’re tall so you carry it fine.” Then my coach says, “Shut the **** up he is fat stop encouraging him!” His new diet is called run 4 miles. What is for dinner? Run 4 miles.

Speaking of which, I need to run.

Oh yeah, the pictures of 150->130 for my taste I prefer the 150.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UnderWhere said:


> (my fiance LOVES to cook her mom CANNOT cook but wants to)


People who cannot cook tend to have a bad diet, because they can't control what they eat. It's usually fast food or ready meals which are very high in calories, sugars and salt. If you eat in a restaurant, it's even worse. I've seen the American portions...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> ...he is fat stop encouraging him!” His new diet is called run 4 miles. What is for dinner? Run 4 miles.


😂


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> A 40 pound weight gain in your 20s because you eat fried, fast, and very high calorie food and drinks isn't just a matter of solving with a few tweaks to get "bikini ready".
> 
> It shows what your true eating values and habits are. She is a person who is okay with putting that crap in her body, regularly.
> 
> I notice OP hasn't addressed this at all. Sure, her mother has been told to change her ways. They doesn't mean this fiancée has magically changed her eating and drinking core values.


She grew up eating mostly fast food her entire life. Her mom has always eaten this way and basically never cooked a home cooked meal ever. My fiancé has become a great cook and when she’s motivated she will change her eating habits and she looks great quickly but it never lasts and she always goes back to eating how she used to


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> It is hard to say whether it's indicative of longer term trends. It wasn't for me, and I knew I had to snap out of it. She's already indicated she knows she needs to tighten up.
> 
> Let's assume OP was doing the same thing during his ex's pregnancy.....he tightened up.
> 
> One thing I can say wirh pretty good certainty: him nagging her about going out with her friends will accomplish nothing. She's either of a mind to get control of things or she's not.


I never nag her about going out with friends ever. We don’t fight often at all or even argue. We have a great healthy relationship I just want her to tweak her eating habits


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She grew up eating regularly fast food with a mom who didn’t cook? It would take a great deal of effort to permanently break a mindset of what’s quick and easy (and tastes good to her). Temporary change is easy but permanent change is another story. You’ve got to really want that and she doesn’t. Her mom may not be obese after a lifetime of junk food but that doesn’t mean she won’t be. She’s still young but obviously time continues on. Read some of the threads here about men trying to motivate their wives to lose weight.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Oh yeah, the pictures of 150->130 for my taste I prefer the 150.


For what it's worth - all of those women in the pics lied. I'm that height and I know what the body looks like when you weigh 150 or 170 (thanks to menopause). The one who claims she weighs 130 is more like 110. The one who said she weighed over 230 pounds? Balderdash - just a friggin' liar. The 190-165? yeah, right. She at 165 is what a 5'6" woman looks like at 130.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> For what it's worth - all of those women in the pics lied. I'm that height and I know what the body looks like when you weigh 150 or 170 (thanks to menopause). The one who claims she weighs 130 is more like 110. The one who said she weighed over 230 pounds? Balderdash - just a friggin' liar. The 190-165? yeah, right. She at 165 is what a 5'6" woman looks like at 130.


I agree. But there were a couple of posters on here arguing just how GREAT 170 looks on 5'6.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I agree. But there were a couple of posters on here arguing just how GREAT 170 looks on 5'6.


Yeah, it doesn’t. I’m three inches taller than that and it wouldn’t look great on me either. I realize different body types carry weight differently but … nope.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

UnderWhere said:


> We met at the gym and she slowly stopped going. Yesterday we had friends over and she put on a bikini and she shouldn't have worn it. I've brought it up by just trying to get her to come to the gym with me and she says she hates working out with me because I expect too much. She sometimes will go but it will only last 3 times. A friend of mine reached out to her to get her to try some classes at the gym I go to and she got mad.


Okay. Here's the deal: She liked (past tense) going to the gym. She's no longer interested in that activity - at least for now. You don't think she looks as good as she could. You hint around rather than coming right out and having a heart-to-heart.



UnderWhere said:


> I like healthy people and she knows that. I love a lot of attention, sex, when she dresses up etc. She's an absolute knockout but the weight gain I'm struggling with. We used to have dress up sex twice a month all the time and sex 6-7 times per week. Dress up sex is now maybe once every 8-10 weeks and she complains the entire time so I won't even bring it up.


She's aware of your stance on what you feels equates to a "healthy" woman. She apparently has changed her view on that too. So now, along with the change in her healthy lifestyle she's also less than enthused to play dress up. Again, time for a heart-to-heart. 



UnderWhere said:


> I don't want to hurt her feelings so *I've never said anything about the weight* grain. I've tried to encourage her to go to the gym. I'm doing a summer cut right now and said *we should work together to get "summer ready" and she just rolled her eyes*. *How do I get her to lose at least some of the weight. * If she lost half of it she would be so much more confident which in turn might bring back the dress up sex.


Guess what? You may have to hurt her feelings. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. She's doing all the eye rolling and complaining, so why not go for it and just lay it out for her? All this p*ssy-footing around ain't getting you what you want. 



UnderWhere said:


> How do I breach this conversation so that I don't make her feel bad and shut down but from an encouraging nature so she wants to get back into shape again?


You've already dropped hints. You had a friend suggest your gf join in activities. What has been the result? She's given you eye rolls and complained about dressing up for you. Sorry, but no matter how you frame it, she'll probably get p!ssed off. The hints don't work. Time to be direct. Let the chips fall where they may.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

UnderWhere said:


> We have a great healthy relationship I just want her to tweak her eating habits


It might be more than a simple tweak OP. She grew up on junk food, has a healthy diet for periods but always goes back to junk food. It might be an issue forever. Trouble is that you don't know. Deep down that's possibly what's triggering you.

This is the first time she hasn't lost it, or hasn't lost it soon enough cos you've started using the pool. That's going to trigger you every time you use the pool. It's already June.

170, which you said isn't much, is bothering you all the same. What if she doesn't lose it? or puts on more? And keeps doing the junk food thing? You're at home stewing on it, triggered, and counting the calories she's consuming while she's out. Will you trigger everytime she meets her Mom or friends? Even if she has lost it, will you trigger when she's out and worry that she'll start putting it on again?

You can come right out & be 100% honest with her about how much it bothers you. She may not even know how much it does.

If it were ME (stressing the 'me'), if it bothered my husband that much, I'd prefer if he was honest & told me how much it did. If he did, I'd seriously look at whether I should stay, especially with no kids. I'd be worried about ending up living in a military camp, fearful every time I put on a few pounds, or ate junk food, or drank more than a couple of glasses of alcohol. I'd even be fearful if I was losing it, i.e. I might be losing it too slowly. I'd also know that until I did, you wouldn't find me as attractive & I might even think that you'd start getting attracted to slimmer women.

I've no idea of how she'd react. But it's probably why you're not being honest with her.

Being controlling is the biggest turnoff there is in a relationship. We can't change anyone. She has to decide.
You now realise (the first time she hasn't lost it) that encouraging her doesn't work, a sign that you won't be able to going forward either.

You say you're very happy in your marriage. Given your triggering, right now you're not and it's ongoing. The cause doesn't matter. 
Sorry if my post is a bit brutal. I'm trying to be very realistic. (It's in the same vein as @Prodigal above, only saw his post after I posted this.)


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honestly, there is no way you can bring up her weight gain without upsetting her. It's just not possible.

The other posters suggestion of showing her the photos of herself in the bikini is a good idea, nothing motivates the majority of people like a bad photo lol.

The other thing you could try is making it about you. You could go to her for "support" because you're feeling blah and like YOU'VE gained some weight. Ask if the two of you can really focus on healthy, clean food and walking daily together. We love our men, and want them to be their best selves. This may prove to be your lucky ticket.

Good luck!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

At the end of the day... she an adult, knows what her body looks like, and if she had wanted to do anything about the 40 pound weight gain, _she would have_. Sounds like she has a nice life. A partner, 
nice house, pool, no kids, and a lot of leisure time. Not many obstacles in her way had she wanted to. 

She's already been eye rolling at talk of getting bikini and pool ready. 

This isn't a child.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> Not with my buddies. Interestingly “fat” is one of the only unprotected classes in the workplace so it’s common with the guys I work with if we’re having an argument someone inevitably says something like “shut up you **ing fat **”! Another favorite is, “At least I’m not fat.” Or… “Wally why are you so ****ing fat?” This can be used out of the blue too. You’re in a meeting and you just blurt it out.
> 
> At the gym the other day I was like *** I am so fat. One of the fighters was like how much do you weigh and I told him 250. He goes “Well you’re tall so you carry it fine.” Then my coach says, “Shut the *** up he is fat stop encouraging him!” His new diet is called run 4 miles. What is for dinner? Run 4 miles.
> 
> ...


Wow! I can't imagine telling one of my female friends "you're fat!" I don't think that's acceptable between women. I don't care if they tell my my thighs are fat, I know they are! But I don't think I can say the same thing to another woman. 

I guess you can't ask a woman how old she is or how much she weights. It's female etiquette!! Lol!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

pastasauce79 said:


> Wow! I can't imagine telling one of my female friends "you're fat!" I don't think that's acceptable between women. I don't care if they tell my my thighs are fat, I know they are! But I don't think I can say the same thing to another woman.
> 
> I guess you can't ask a woman how old she is or how much she weights. It's female etiquette!! Lol!


It's definitely a guy thing. Men don't seen to have any issues telling each other how fat they are.....I watch my boys do it to each other (both of then are skinny) and my bf and his brothers do it to each other. Nobody seems to get offended.

But us women never do it to each other. We might declare ourselves fat but nobody would dare agree 😅


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I agree. But there were a couple of posters on here arguing just how GREAT 170 looks on 5'6.





Openminded said:


> Yeah, it doesn’t. I’m three inches taller than that and it wouldn’t look great on me either. I realize different body types carry weight differently but … nope.


Yeah, it does to some of us men. Alot of us don't need or want a stick figure. I get it if she looks like she is just busting out of every opening in her clothing, like being 5'6" and 220 with that muffin top look. But at 170, nah. 

But hey, if you want that completely flat stomach, then you better get to work on her.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's definitely a guy thing. Men don't seen to have any issues telling each other how fat they are.....I watch my boys do it to each other (both of then are skinny) and my bf and his brothers do it to each other. Nobody seems to get offended.
> 
> But us women never do it to each other. We might declare ourselves fat but nobody would dare agree 😅


For what it’s worth for my friends and I it’s actually helpful. One of my dudes was looking pretty hefty and I told him you look super fat! He’s watching his food and is back on the Peloton now.

I mean you know when you’re fat, but sometimes when someone else is like man you look terrible what happened? It helps hahah.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Honestly, there is no way you can bring up her weight gain without upsetting her. It's just not possible.
> 
> The other posters suggestion of showing her the photos of herself in the bikini is a good idea, *nothing motivates the majority of people like a bad photo* lol.


Not in all cases. Some people look at it and may not like what they see entirely, but may not be enough to motivate. I think the only thing that will do it is if she knows how he truly feels about it. But then that is risky.

I know if I had put on a little weight and I knew the person I was with lost attraction because of it and made me aware of it, I'd bust my ass so they could eat their heart out. Then I'd likely move on.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's definitely a guy thing. Men don't seen to have any issues telling each other how fat they are.....I watch my boys do it to each other (both of then are skinny) and my bf and his brothers do it to each other. Nobody seems to get offended.
> 
> But us women never do it to each other. We might declare ourselves fat but nobody would dare agree 😅


Definitely a guy thing. In the Army we called each other a fat **** almost as a term of endearment, lol.


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## Gfawkes (8 mo ago)

In the Army, I was only called a bad***


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's definitely a guy thing. Men don't seen to have any issues telling each other how fat they are.....I watch my boys do it to each other (both of then are skinny) and my bf and his brothers do it to each other. Nobody seems to get offended.
> 
> *But us women never do it to each other. *We might declare ourselves fat but nobody would dare agree 😅


Sisters can and do and have done.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

drencrom said:


> Yeah, it does to some of us men. Alot of us don't need or want a stick figure. I get it if she looks like she is just busting out of every opening in her clothing, like being 5'6" and 220 with that muffin top look. But at 170, nah.
> 
> But hey, if you want that completely flat stomach, then you better get to work on her.


You like what you like. But that’s not a healthy weight and I’m not glorifying it.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You like what you like. But that’s not a healthy weight and I’m not glorifying it.


The weight of 170lbs is not unhealthy. Now what she eats can be, because someone could eat healthy and still be at that weight. If she ballooned up to over 200 something and was bulging out everywhere, then I'd say she is unhealthy. By OPs description of the food, she is eating unhealthy. But the weight alone doesn't dictate whether someone is in good health or not. 

I get it. There has to be an attraction. I would completely understand if she ended up looking like Roseanne Barr in the old days. But 170 at 5'6" aint it. But he likes them thin...so he's gonna have to say something or just deal with it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

drencrom said:


> The weight of 170lbs is not unhealthy. Now what she eats can be, because someone could eat healthy and still be at that weight. If she ballooned up to over 200 something and was bulging out everywhere, then I'd say she is unhealthy. By OPs description of the food, she is eating unhealthy. But the weight alone doesn't dictate whether someone is in good health or not.
> 
> I get it. There has to be an attraction. I would completely understand if she ended up looking like Roseanne Barr in the old days. But 170 at 5'6" aint it. But he likes them thin...so he's gonna have to say something or just deal with it.


People carry weight differently too. I'm 5'4 and much beyond 135 I start to look on the tubby side.

145 is heavy for me. I weighed just over 170 right before I had my older son and I was a beached whale.

I need to stay at under 130.

How she carries weight is important.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drencrom said:


> The weight of 170lbs is not unhealthy. Now what she eats can be, because someone could eat healthy and still be at that weight. If she ballooned up to over 200 something and was bulging out everywhere, then I'd say she is unhealthy. By OPs description of the food, she is eating unhealthy. But the weight alone doesn't dictate whether someone is in good health or not.
> 
> I get it. There has to be an attraction. I would completely understand if she ended up looking like Roseanne Barr in the old days. But 170 at 5'6" aint it. But he likes them thin...so he's gonna have to say something or just deal with it.


I don't know why you are defending this weight so much, but yeah it's overweight and actually classed as obese. 

Especially for someone in her 20s it's a lot.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Sisters can and do and have done.


Internet women do it too. They love to call other women fat, there are as many female internet bullies as male.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> People carry weight differently too. I'm 5'4 and much beyond 135 I start to look on the tubby side.
> 
> 145 is heavy for me. I weighed just over 170 right before I had my older son and I was a beached whale.
> 
> ...


BMI is one metric for obesity. According to BMI, Serena Williams is morbidly obese. There are other factors to consider, like you say. Muscle is heavier than fat.

Of course, the OP’s girlfriend is nowhere close to Serena Williams. She’s overweight from overeating and not working out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Sisters can and do and have done.


My sisters don't. We all have mirrors and no one needs critics.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> BMI is one metric for obesity. According to BMI, Serena Williams is morbidly obese. There are other factors to consider, like you say. Muscle is heavier than fat.
> 
> Of course, the OP’s girlfriend is nowhere close to Serena Williams. She’s overweight from overeating and not working out.


BMI is known to be garbage for the athletic.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> BMI is known to be garbage for the athletic.


When I was a “healthy” BMI, my doctor told me if I didn’t put on some weight he was going to intervene. He said I looked like I was sick.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> People carry weight differently too. I'm 5'4 and much beyond 135 I start to look on the tubby side.
> 
> 145 is heavy for me. I weighed just over 170 right before I had my older son and I was a beached whale.
> 
> ...


I'm sure it does. Still, hardly sounds like a fatass though. So, question is, what is he going to do about it? And again, let's say she becomes that thin woman he wants, as he gets up there in age and she is still relatively young looking, he may have to then deal with superficial preferences she may have when the time comes. Just saying, be careful what one wishes for.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't know why you are defending this weight so much, but yeah it's overweight and actually classed as obese.
> 
> Especially for someone in her 20s it's a lot.


All fine and dandy, she can return the favor to him when he is in his mid to late 60's...unless she likes 'em wrinkled and possibly balding.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

drencrom said:


> All fine and dandy, she can return the favor to him when he is in his mid to late 60's...unless she likes 'em wrinkled and possibly balding.


I'm unsure what that has to do with anything. Yeah he'll bald and wrinkle someday. Everyone ages. There's no stopping that train.

That's got nothing to do with the fact that 40 pounds weight gain is a lot for someone in their 20s and that she is clinically overweight or even obese per charts.

Everyone ages. Not everyone packs in fast, fried, high calorie food drink, and alcohol.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I'm unsure what that has to do with anything. Yeah he'll bald and wrinkle someday. Everyone ages. There's no stopping that train.


The point is, don't be too superficial, because it can come back to bite one in the ass. Everyone ages, and as long as they both age, they are in the same boat. The point is, he better not get too picky, because she can drop the weight and in 20 years he may be on the receiving end of an attitude he is directing at her right now.

Anyway, I'm done here. All I can say in parting is, I feel bad for his fiance.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

drencrom said:


> The weight of 170lbs is not unhealthy. Now what she eats can be, because someone could eat healthy and still be at that weight. If she ballooned up to over 200 something and was bulging out everywhere, then I'd say she is unhealthy. By OPs description of the food, she is eating unhealthy. But the weight alone doesn't dictate whether someone is in good health or not.
> 
> I get it. There has to be an attraction. I would completely understand if she ended up looking like Roseanne Barr in the old days. But 170 at 5'6" aint it. But he likes them thin...so he's gonna have to say something or just deal with it.


It’s overweight. Unneeded fat is inside her body as well as outside.

But you’re obviously entitled to believe as you wish. I just don’t agree. And with that I’m done.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I wonder if the OP will return. He asked for opinions. Apparently, he didn't like a good many of the opinions he received. Ah, well ....


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

UPDATE: She decided she needed to make a change and started low carb today. She started all her meal prep and we went to the grocery store tonight and she got different foods. We took our pup for a walk when we got home and she said she's committed to dropping her weight to where it should be. She said she won't do it to the point that we can't go out for ice cream on Friday night and I told her that I agreed with her. Anything in moderation is fine. When she gets to this point she is very consistent and typically drops the weight quickly. She stopped drinking wine and when she wants a drink she said she will just grab a Vodka Seltzer. She asked if I noticed if she gained weight and I said that I did. She asked why I didn't say anything and I said I thought about it but didn't want to pressure her or make her feel bad and that I knew she would do it when she was ready.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

She also said she weight 156lbs right now so I guess I was quite a bit off.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> She also said she weight 156lbs right now so I guess I was quite a bit off.


So she looks even better than I thought. Good on her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

drencrom said:


> So she looks even better than I thought. Good on her.


However, what does it say about @UnderWhere that over estimated her weight by such a significant amount?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No kidding.so she most likely looks really good but to him it was too fat.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> So she looks even better than I thought. Good on her.


It speaks volumes that he overestimated her weight by so much. Especially considering he trains people for a living, one would think he’d have a better eye for estimations like that. Could it be possible that perhaps his resentment of her isn’t due to the way she looks but instead that he got together with her thinking fitness was her priority and that seems to no longer be the case? That perhaps it’s really not about the way she looks so much as it is about a lifestyle preference he believed they share?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> However, what does it say about @UnderWhere that over estimated her weight by such a significant amount?


NOTHING. 

I think everyone should give this guy a break here...he isn't shallow and has said multiple times that he loves everything about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings and had no intention of leaving her. I think he handled everything really well and was very sensitive and caring.

It's not wrong or evil of him to be more attracted to her when she's in shape...that makes him NORMAL.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It speaks volumes that he overestimated her weight by so much. Especially considering he trains people for a living, one would think he’d have a better eye for estimations like that. Could it be possible that perhaps his resentment of her isn’t due to the way she looks but instead that he got together with her thinking fitness was her priority and that seems to no longer be the case? That perhaps it’s really not about the way she looks so much as it is about a lifestyle preference he believed they share?


No, it's about how she looks.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> NOTHING.
> 
> I think everyone should give this guy a break here...he isn't shallow and has said multiple times that he loves everything about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings and had no intention of leaving her. I think he handled everything really well and was very sensitive and caring.
> 
> It's not wrong or evil of him to be more attracted to her when she's in shape...that makes him NORMAL.


You are right, he has really tried to be delicate about the situation and I don't think he is being shallow. He is attracted to what ever his preferences are. If that is shallow then I guess we all are to some extent. 

I still thought it interesting that he misjudged her weight by that much. Does it mean she carries it poorly, or he has a skewed perception, or maybe it means nothing at all, lol.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I still thought it interesting that he misjudged her weight by that much. Does it mean she carries it poorly, or he has a skewed perception, or maybe it means nothing at all, lol.


When was the last time you asked a woman her weight and got an honest answer?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are right, he has really tried to be delicate about the situation and I don't think he is being shallow. He is attracted to what ever his preferences are. If that is shallow then I guess we all are to some extent.
> 
> I still thought it interesting that he misjudged her weight by that much. Does it mean she carries it poorly, or he has a skewed perception, or maybe it means nothing at all, lol.


I believe it means nothing at all. It's very difficult to judge someone's weight, because of how people carry it and how much muscle they have or don't have (which weighs more than fat). And I know I can gain and lose 5lbs without anyone noticing a difference in how I look.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's always sounded to me he's more distressed about the actual junk she eats, not so much her weight alone. 

I'd be way turned off by a dude who ate fast and fried food every day, a lot of alcohol, and 1,500 calorie Starbucks drinks. I'd lose respect for his judgment, weight gain or not. I'd be turned off.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> NOTHING.
> 
> I think everyone should give this guy a break here...he isn't shallow and has said multiple times that he loves everything about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings and had no intention of leaving her. I think he handled everything really well and was very sensitive and caring.
> 
> It's not wrong or evil of him to be more attracted to her when she's in shape...that makes him NORMAL.


Thank you I appreciate it a lot. I'm not being shallow and like I said I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad in any way shape or form. I do love and care about her and I want her to be happy. Do I want her in better shape? Of course. If that makes me a bad person then I don't really know what to say for those attacking me here. When I'm in better shape myself I notice I get more looks from women than I do when I'm not as lean. There is a reason there are gas everywhere. People want to look and feel better and be healthier. Healthier people are more attractive.

As for the comment about the healthy eating habits. I agree with that 100%. When her mom isn't around she is much better off. She is making her coffee from home now which is great as it's limited to what she puts in it. I bet over the next 2 weeks she will drop a decent amount of weight. I do wish she wasn't so extreme with it as we all know it's not sustainable long term but it will likely give her the motivation to keep up with it somewhat.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

drencrom said:


> No, it's about how she looks.


Seems you’re right.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UnderWhere said:


> She also said she weight 156lbs right now so I guess I was quite a bit off.


So according to what I googled, that is one pound overweight. One pound. Good grief. Maybe therapy time to wipe a lifetime of media conditioning out of you. Those aren't real bodies. She has a real body. Be glad.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@UnderWhere I'm always happy to see a thread ending on a positive 

As for criticisms on here re OP being too unrealistic/fussy/shallow etc about her weight?

Here's what's most important IMO:
*She* clearly wasn't happy with her weight gain.
*She* even asked OP why he didn't tell her!!!
*She* decided herself to do something about it, without OP telling her she was overweight etc
*She* started doing it immediately e.g. making coffee at home and other things AND "said *she's* committed to dropping her weight to where it should be".
No 'he' in the above

If that isn't a positive result I don't know what is.

OP you sure took a lot of criticism (including om me on one later post when I said you might want to take a second look at staying in the relationship or something like that).
Sure you got irritated etc at times, tbh so would I. And it was quite brave of you to be so honest in the first place.
But despite the criticism, you stayed the distance and wrote lots of posts hoping someone would suggest an idea you could run with.
All that shows is that the last thing you wanted to do was upset her. It only goes to show how much you love her which you said repeatedly from the beginning.

I wish you and your lady all the best .

PS You know what?
*Now* you can ask her whether you should tell her next time if you notice that she's putting on weight so she nips it in the bud and it isn't such an effort for her to lose it. That way you won't have to go through all the angst again.

PPS Not that it matters but there was a lot of comments about it. I looked up ideal weight on a health site, not a beauty site:
5'6" 117 - 143 lbs.
How it shows on anyone is whether they have a slim/medium/large build.


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## UnderWhere (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> @UnderWhere I'm always happy to see a thread ending on a positive
> 
> As for criticisms on here re OP being too unrealistic/fussy/shallow etc about her weight?
> 
> ...


Thank you I really appreciate it. People were blasting me on here for my rude replies but I was honestly being attacked. Many had formulated an opinion of me solely because my fiance is so much younger than I am assuming it was a trophy wife. Is she? Kinda, to me. I'm proud when I'm with her and I truly feel she is a goddess. I'm OK with that. I find her very attractive and I love how she looks esp. when she is in great shape. Nothing wrong with that. She is also an amazing person, partner, Step mom to my son and simply my best friend.

Yesterday, she went out with her mom. They took our pup for a 2 mile walk which is great. On the way home her mom stopped for KFC. Mind you her cholesterol is at dangerously high levels and she's still eating crap food. My fiance didn't get anything and when they got home she cooked a healthy meal and had none of the KFC. She has the discipline and will power she just needed to get it in gear. I'm excited to see her progress over the summer.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I understand wanting to be fit and worried about health. Is her appearance what you value most about her? You seem obsessed about her food when she’s ideal weight


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

UnderWhere said:


> Thank you I really appreciate it. People were blasting me on here for my rude replies but I was honestly being attacked.


No, you weren't. You just have very thin skin. You even acknowledged you'd catch some flak for what you were saying in your first post, yet you posted anyway. If you knew you'd catch flak, that means those giving you some response in cold plain words were not off base.



> I'm certain some here will call me shallow and I accept that.


Obviously you don't.

But I'll digress, looks like she is going to be doing what you want, so problem solved.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You weren’t attacked.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

********** said:


> Guys, you're just jealous. . . I'M JOKING
> 
> If she wasn't as OP said "_an amazing person, partner, Step mom to my son and *simply my best friend*" _all the good looks, body etc wouldn't compensate, in fact compensation would be zero & he wouldn't even be with her, especially having a step-son.
> My husband has often said to me, "You look great, I'm proud to show you off' which I took as a compliment. He wasn't shallow & preferred slim women. In fact he never dated a woman who wasn't cos I met a couple of them and saw photos of others. I even joked about it to him. He said he preferred slim women (& I mean slim) and I didn't see that as him being shallow. Each to his own. I also think that men AND women who are in the health & fitness industry and/or go to the gym a lot may be more attracted to similar people. I always kept slim because *I* *myself* preferred to be slim just as OP's lady and often it took me a while to get motivated. OP's lady started dieting herself in the end, and asked him why he didn't tell her for goodness sake.
> ...


On the flip side, so many WW and WH threads begin with other than she/he cheated then OP words said "if she wasn't an _amazing person, partner, Step mom to my son and *simply my best friend*"....

all would be good. So hearing that statement throws a monkey wrench out there.

something else may be afoot._


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

UnderWhere said:


> UPDATE: She decided she needed to make a change and started low carb today. She started all her meal prep and we went to the grocery store tonight and she got different foods. We took our pup for a walk when we got home and she said she's committed to dropping her weight to where it should be. She said she won't do it to the point that we can't go out for ice cream on Friday night and I told her that I agreed with her. Anything in moderation is fine. When she gets to this point she is very consistent and typically drops the weight quickly. She stopped drinking wine and when she wants a drink she said she will just grab a Vodka Seltzer. She asked if I noticed if she gained weight and I said that I did. She asked why I didn't say anything and I said I thought about it but didn't want to pressure her or make her feel bad and that I knew she would do it when she was ready.


how are things going now UW?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Didn't read the rest of the posts, but I'd call it a day, you're unhappy, seek to impose your values upon her and its not working. Since your mindset is that your spouse needs to be physically fit, not sure how this will work out. People change, there are life events, and a commitment to physical fitness may change, and I think you have to accept the person as she is.


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