# Second wife and my son from first marriage



## eagleman1971 (Jan 20, 2012)

Hallo to everybody.
I write from italy but since mine is an international marriage i would like to have an opinion on someone that has a different colture and background, so to see if maybe is me to see things in an awkward way.

I had a kid with my first wife. Separation was smooth and we had a joint custody agreement. My son was living with my wife in our ex house that i left them. I was living few minutes from their home and the kid could be at my place or hers when he wanted and even when we had problems with work. At the time he was 5 years old, now he is 11.

Since 2 years and half I am with my new partner, she is from Belarus, a former soviet union country. I am 40, she is 30. She is a lawyer and she has a 7 years old son. We got married 6 months ago and she moved here to Italy.

Meanwhile, in the two years of distance relation, where we were staying together 1-2 weeks a month in eachother country, the situation with my ex wife was not confortable for her. I can admit that having no rules in the dealing with my son was a strange situation for her. So, since the divorce came (in italy after separation you need to wait 3 years to request divorce and go once again to settle the agreement) my ex wife had the custody of the kid, i had the right to see him AT LEAST 2 weekends a month and half of his school vacations.

Considering that she would have come to live with me i moved to live near my parents, so they could help her with her kid, since the primary school is ending before working hours they could be available to pick him up if she would have been at work when she would have found a job in italy.

So, on this premise she moves to italy with me six months ago, with her son.

I know she left very much to move to italy. She had an own career, job, the family and friends, a very good life, and of course the kid had to move and to learn a new language at school. So i can understand the pressure she is in. Regardless she has a perfect english (she also lived in the States) in Italy the average people are not understanding so much the english language, so she is still too dependant from me (she will start a course in february). Too much in the house, holding up the career... ok.

But, not even little by little, she has a problem with my son.
He is coming every weekend, because, luckly, my ex wife is worried that i dont see my son enough so i can see him whenever i want.

As soon as the day before i organize to go to pick him up she changes mood. The comes out with stg like "ok, another spoiled weekend". Or "again, again this weekend too. but you saw him last weekend!" 
She complains that she wants "free weekends", that she is closed in the house and dont want to stay like that also in weekends with two kids (regardless of course her one is there too).
She said that i should see him on alternate weekends, so she has some freedom from "kids" (which is only my one of course).

My son is going well with her one. 
But she considers him "a guest" in the house, while for me he is part of our family.

Am i wrong to be very upset?
Not only because she sees him as a "problem"...
Mainly because the woman i love (also being a mother) should be happy that i am able to stay more with my son and be part of his life while he grouws up.
Instead i see it as an egoistic act... like those woman that think a divorced father should be the one seing the son only few hours to bring him to mcdonalds and buy him a lego game.

Sorry for the lenght of the post... i really needed to blow it out...


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## girl friday (Jan 14, 2012)

Blending families is a hard thing to do and it takes time. Some of the books I have read have told me that it can take up to 7 years to blend properly. 

Don't be in a hurry to make it work and don't force things. People have to build their relationships in their own time.

I can understand what your wife is feeling I have been there. You feel bad for feeling like that but you also want to feel totally comfortable in your own home. This is all still very new to her. 

Maybe if you saw your son 3 week ends out of 4 that would be a compromise. That would give your wife a week end with just you. Maybe she feels isolated during the week with you at work and would just like to spend a couple of days with you every now and then. Good luck and don't take it all too personally.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Blended families are hard, but they are a package deal.

Grown people should never make a parent choose between a child and a relationship. Furthermore, she should not be putting guilt on you for wanting to see your son.

How sad for your boy  Don't think he doesn't know she doesn't want him there.

Kids are a lifetime gig. You need to see your son every weekend as that was the promise you made to him by having him. He is not a 'thing' to just have around when you feel like it or when your wife/gf allows it.

Maybe try things as a family? This just makes me sad because my stepdad (who raised me from 3 years old) pulled this crap on me when he married his wife ( i was 17) and finally I just stopped wanting to see him because she made it miserable. We didn't talk for 7 years and after that, we weren't close. Another 7 years passed and he died suddenly when I was 34 and I hadn't spoken to him in over a year. I miss him everyday. He was a good dad...until he lost his spine.

I have a child from a previous relationship, and my husband knew that she was a priority to me before we got heavy into dating. 

I dated a man with a child...and while sometimes i just wanted time with him, i would have never made him feel bad for seeing his child. She was an awesome kid. I missed her more when we broke up than I did him lol.

Choose your kid. Tell your wife that's just how it is. her jealousy is pathetic. Do things with your wife when he goes to bed. I don't know...that's just my 2 cents.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I married my husband he had custody of his two children; A 10 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. My son was 10 at the time. His children lived with us and only visited their mother a couple of times a year as she moved over 1000 miles away. Our children are now 22, 23 and 24. So I speak here from a lot of experience. So I speak here from experience.

You are right that your son is family. He is family that you have responsibility for. He was in your life before your new was. Your wife expects you to accept her son full time, but she cannot accept your son part time? 

Some step-parents are like this. They want to their spouses’ child(ren) to just disappear. This is unacceptable. Your son is going to suffer for this. If you do not get this corrected soon he will grow up to resent the fact that you chose your new wife and step-son over him. 

You will lose the love and respect of your son. Your son has already suffered great pain in his life by the divorce between you and your wife. Hopefully he has adjusted to this. And now this new situation is causing him more pain. Children who go through divorce and even worse alienation from their parent often end up being lost children.. they do badly in school and often badly in life.

My step-children had terrible problems due to them seldom seeing their bother. My step daughter was suicidal until she was about 20 years old when she finally settled her anger at her mother. My step-son is still lost… he was so angry about his mother seldom seeing him that he caused all sorts of trouble in school. Now as an adult he is lost. He’s a drug addict. These beautiful, very intelligent young people have been almost destroyed by his mother choosing her new husband over them. I pray that soon, very soon, by step-son will get through his anger and hurt and stop his destructive path in life.

Did you speak to your new wife about your son and living arrangements before you married her? What did she say? Has she changed now that she lives with you?

About her complaint that she does not want 2 children on the weekends.. when my son younger he was an only child. I used to invite other boys over to play with him all the time. Two children who get along are easier than one child. They play together and leave the adults alone.

My suggestion to you is to have a very serious talk with your wife. Either she accepts your son being in your home every weekend and as much time as possible. That she foster a healthy blended family. That she encourages her son and your son to become close step-brothers. Or something as to change. You will not stay married to a woman who mistreats your son. 

Do not allow your wife to mistreat your son or to bully you into just about abandoning him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My stepmom told me that i was no longer welcome in the home because my parents were divorced and that means he divorced me too.

I was 17 and was ready to beat her a$$...but my dad stepped in. That was my house. I lived there for 14 years. My handprints were in the cement in the back from 1980. And yet, i was not allowed. He even changed the locks and his phone number. 

He was ready to adopt me before meeting her. That never happened.

Yea, I'm bitter. Oh she's sorry now. At his funeral she apologized to me and said she was so very sorry for taking my dad away. had it not been for my brother (whom i also didn't talk to for 7 years), I would have taken her out right there.

Sorry, this is just a touchy subject for me. I will stop.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My stepmom told me that i was no longer welcome in the home because my parents were divorced and that means he divorced me too.
> 
> I was 17 and was ready to beat her a$$...but my dad stepped in. That was my house. I lived there for 14 years. My handprints were in the cement in the back from 1980. And yet, i was not allowed. He even changed the locks and his phone number.
> 
> ...


Wow, just wow. What an awful woman. And your dad backed her up? How sad.


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