# Introducing a third person.



## Fashleyjones400 (Aug 14, 2021)

So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.

I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.

Our sex life is very normal in comparison to the videos she continually watches in her search history. So I know there’s a kink there…Also I want her to experience a different penis. She claims to have not experienced this during our break but regardless of the truth I want to let her experience it. I’d also like to let her be intimate with another woman. I know she would enjoy this because all her searches are lesbian encounters.

My problem is - how you approach the topic of introducing another person. What do I say?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You want her to experience a different penis? There is not a lot of difference between penises. What if she likes that penis better than yours? Are you ok with that?

Most marriages do not survive brining other people into their sex lives.

Do the two of you have children?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

This is a very very dangerous path that destroys the majority of marriages that go down it.
You can explore kinks without letting other men **** your wife.
This is a very bad idea.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Well if her search history is all lesbian porn, you can forget about introducing another penis.

When you split up she may well have been telling the truth that she didn't sleep with another man. Did you ask if she slept with another woman though?

Does she know, that you know, she is into women?
Just that you seem to have found this out by looking at her search history.
She might not want you to know about this side of her, so that will make the conversation harder.
She might like a woman for herself but not for you to also enjoy. Would you be OK with not being involved?
Best to know what you want before opening up this idea.
And start opening more in the sexual conversations with each other first. There can't be any second guessing here, you would both need to be able to communicate fully about this.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

first you need to have a very strong relationship , 









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some people have fantasizes and only happy with keeping them in their head , some people do 
bring them into their real world and life , 
and yes some people brake up over it but many don't ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

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this is just a few links that I goggled , 
we here tend to be not very open to anything that is different from our own lifestyle , 
you know your wife best so I can not say how she would feel 

the first risk is she might think you want to do it for selfish reasons 
that your not happy with her and that you want to experience different women 
or worse that she might think your into men 
so you have to show her that your happy for her to be happy and if that is not trying it you have to except that too , 

at the moment with covid 19 around I think it is not a good time to bring strangers into you relationship ,
where you would find these people I have no idea 
but i believe never a friend never a person from work for you or her , 

another thing to think about is how important is this to you 
it is mostly men that want this for the reasons you outlined above 
women are often shocked the first time you talk about it then they think it over in their head 
if they are open to it it can take a long time before they are happy to try it 
often after they try it if they like the freedom it is the women that keep you in the lifestyle 

I now live in france and here people are more open to it than in other parts of the world ,
I have a few friends that I know are into some type of open or swinging , 
one is a friend that is into BDSM and the couple he plays with the husband is not into it but the wife is 
they are happy that they have worked out some ways to make their 3 way relationship work 

other friends seem to be into some form of wife sharing , they go to parties often 
SORRY I have no idea what happens other than what seems to be orgies ,
but these are the people that are very open about it and don't mind what others think ,

then there are the ones that are underground they are the once that from the outside act like butter would not milt 
very up standing people that keep it to them selves , and only do it on the odd occasion 

it is only you that can tell if this is right for you 
how you do it will make the difference in if it works out or not , 
there is a risk only it is after you will know how big a risk that is


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I’m always surprised by these sorts of how do I bring up posts, the person you are talking to is supposed to be your life partner. Just ask the questions, explain the why and actually listen to the response. She may be up for it, she may not, but I don’t think you are In the right place to bring in another person if you can’t have a frank conversation with your partner about it.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


So first a warning. You are going to get a lot of people who will attack this idea out of hand. However some of us are experienced in the area of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), and hopefully can help you.

The first and most important question as far as targeting the right answers for you and the right questions by you, is are you looking for additional romantic interests (polyamory) or for additional sex partners (swinging). These are two different dynamics and have different approaches.


A couple of things to keep in mind. First off, "kink" has a HUGE range of possibilities. So if you are trying to target to specific kinks, you really need to know what they are and how to do them safely.

Also, it is not uncommon for people, especially women, to watch same sex porn, but not be truly interested in engaging in it themselves. That is something that you want to make sure you discuss with your wife prior to making any kinds of arrangements. If fact, at least in the beginning and for the first few years of exploring this aspect, do NOT arrange anything without here, even as a surprise. You want to make sure you know what her limits are and if she is interested, what type of people she prefers.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We've had numerous wonderful threesomes. Research indicates about 15% of people have engaged in a mixed gender threesome, and it is amongst the top few _fantasies_ amongst both men and women (more common for with men). For most who've tried it, it was a one-time experience. That should tell you that the reality does not always match the fantasy or that concerns like jealousy can't be overcome, so for most couples it is better as a fantasy.

Anyway, this may be something you want, @*Fashleyjones400, *but _she_ may want no part of it. If you must pursue this, then do so by introducing it as a fantasy during sex, and see how she responds. Even if she gets excited by the idea and you do this role play occasionally, that probably won't ever develop into her wanting a _real_ experience. You can't push this without damaging your marriage, but you may (may!) generate some excitement by using it as a fantasy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


So how will it go if she likes another penis better than yours and also being with another woman? Could have an FMF with you left totally out. Would you be ok with just watching the three of them having fun? I suppose there are people fine with being spectators, maybe that is you. Otherwise, seems you are trying to find a way to blow up your "marriage". Once wild and crazy becomes the norm, vanilla with you aint gonna happen again. But, guess if she is searching out "kinky"(not even sure what that is anymore) videos online all of the time, maybe it is too late to save it anyway. She is already sliding down that slippery slope, dipping her toe into the *toxic* swamp.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


So, uhh, where in any of this do you get that your wife would be open to having sex with other men? 

Hint # 1: Our porn preferences have little to do with what we want in real life.

Hint #2: Kinky =/=non-monogamous.

Also, most women I know who have had open marriages tended to want to meet their lovers and have sex without their husband involved in any way other than granting permission. So, she may be open to the idea, but not in an "us" and "our bedroom" kind of way. 

And you'll really need to think about a few things. Like, when she finds a lover that breaks her reality and then starfishes sex with you or simply turns you down because you aren't him...well, how you gonna handle that? 

I know a few people who owe their current long term happily monogamous marriages to previous open relationships they left in favor of their new partners, now spouses.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Good luck OP. I think less than 10% of the popluation ever really try swinging or sharing but apparently some do enjoy it. A few couples I have known over the years have done it and they said it adds some excitement to their lives. All the folks I have known were older and already married 30+ years or so and just did it for something to spice things up. But they all say you have to have a strong marriage and goos ex life to even give it a try. There are numerous sites out there where you can get more information and appaently the adult resorts in Mexico are hot spots for vacation fun if you can afford them.

Have fun if you take that step.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a topic to discuss with HER, not strangers in the Internet.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Hint # 1: Our porn preferences have little to do with what we want in real life.
> 
> Hint #2: Kinky =/=non-monogamous.


I want reiterate this above. 

Watching porn and playing with toys have NOTHING to do with having sex with other people. 

Bringing other living, breathing human beings into your marital bed is a whole other plain of existence than watching certain types of porn or enjoying toys. 

You need to talk to HER about it, not make such sweeping judgements of her porn viewing and use of toys.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> ,,,,,,,,We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and *have a two children together*.......
> 
> *I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. *I’d like to *find one person rather than several to be intimat*e with us. I’m not sure if the *3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla *but I know she has a kinky side. *By seeing her phones search history* and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


Where to start? So many contradictions. 

You are her husband and life partner and not her parent or sexual dominant.

You should not try to force your wife to do anything. She gets to choose, who she is sexually intimate with. Since you are married and have two children she has chosen you.

You are not going to find a single person to be intimate with that is a woman and has a real penis (at least not in an old school way). If it is just a penis-like thing you want her to experience buy a strap on and ask her if the two of you can play with it. Although she may decide she likes using it in a way you might not be anticipating.

Why are you searching her phone history? Is that a betrayal of her trust on your part?

Most importantly you have two children. This "event" you want to impose on your wife could do very bad things for your marriage and for the emotional well being of your two children.

And now for the really bigger issue. Is this your sexual fantasy or is it hers and has she expressed this to you?

I would wager she has not expressed this fantasy to you. If she had you would know if your threesome should add a man or a woman or some of each.

How do you bring it up? From my perspective, you have three real options.

(1) Tell her that you have a sexual fantasy that you would like to role play with (but not make a reality unless you both really get into it) of having a three some. Tell her what your fantasy includes; that is, is it MFM or either FMF or FFM. The real issue for you to explain is if you want the three some to involve her in the middle having sex with two partners or you and her having sex with the third and what the gender will be of your sexual fantasy third partner or partners. You did say you only wanted one intimate partner, so think carefully about the role playing you want and where it could lead.

(2) Tell her that you love her so much that you want to fulfill her deepest darkest sexual fantasy. That you will not judge her for anything she shares with you (assuming you can keep that promise) and that you will listen to her and see if you can accommodate her fantasy without crossing any hard sexual boundaries you have. This may require you to talk to her more to learn what it is that she wants. It may then require you to study how to do the fantasy to see if you can't make her fantasy a reality or figure out with her a role playing script that would allow her to at least experience some or the illusion of her fantasy so that she can know how important it is to her and what it is that excites her imagination. Whatever you do, don't discuss your spying on her. This is absolutely not your sexual fantasy, it is to be hers. Don't discuss her lesbian port viewing. Remember this would be about you helping her achieve whatever fantasy she wants.

(3) Forget about it and figure out something sexual to do with her that will build the emotional bound in your marriage.

Good luck.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Let me sum it up. Got together young, no real experiences other than her and you feel like you have missed out. You need to address that before you do anything else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


You are making many probably very wrong assumptions about what she may want. Not many people want to bring in a third person to their sex life with their spouse. You are also wanting to do somethings while making out it's for her benefit when it's for you.
She may well never see you in the same way again if you bring it up, and who can blame her. You may just cause massive damage to your marriage as well whether she agrees or not.

My advise, if you really care about her and your children dont even think about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is such a mess and you haven’t even talked to her yet.

So many marriage/relationships end because of what you want HER to do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

every think about buying Furry costumes, and doing the deed while dressed up???
It would SEEM like you two are screwing other people then. 


like this:



https://c2.iggcdn.com/indiegogo-media-prod-cld/image/upload/c_fill,w_695,g_auto,q_auto,dpr_1.8,f_auto,h_460/tnnztizqi8fnxnzgxijh


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> every think about buying Furry costumes, and doing the deed while dressed up???
> It would SEEM like you two are screwing other people then.
> 
> 
> ...


Recall a thread on TAM where the husband decided he would BECOME the OM before his wife decided to stray. He figured straying was inevitable. So he totally changed his mantra, buffed up in the gym, grew a beard. Claimed it worked like a charm. Costume would be easier, quicker, and allow changing OM as often as necessary lol.

Sri, cudn't resist.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Recall a thread on TAM where the husband decided he would BECOME the OM before his wife decided to stray. He figured straying was inevitable. So he totally changed his mantra, buffed up in the gym, grew a beard. Claimed it worked like a charm. Costume would be easier, quicker, and allow changing OM as often as necessary lol.
> 
> Sri, cudn't resist.


well yeah. getting back into "dating weight", improving you wardrobe, paying attention to the wife again--all really good ideas for almost EVERYBODY. 
A horny, ignored, married woman is the bread and butter for manipulative sexual predators. Why not short circuit their method at the starting gate by keeping her satisfied???


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


OK, I'm a bit astounded after reading your post. As a woman, I feel kind of grossed out on your wife's behalf. You monitor her porn preferences and battery usage, then go straight to determining for her that it would be good to find a way to get her to sleep with another man and woman. No. If my husband took this approach I'd be highly upset with him. And just so you know, the most commonly watched porn by straight women is lesbian porn. Want to know why? Because it's not exactly sexy for us to watch a woman being bent in half and pounded harder than those objects featured in those hydraulic press videos. Straight porn is geared towards what straight men like to watch, not women. I think I'm most unsettled because it seems like you're spying, forming your own conclusions, and making these decisions for her.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


Why would you want your wife to experience another penis? How do you think that will help your relationship? And what will you do when the other guy you pick is better hung and more skilled than you? You think you can handle that, knowing she'll probably be fanaticizing about that better man while having sex with you? And her masturbating to some kinky threesomes on PornHub is a long leap from actually engaging in a threesome.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"experience another penis"

they make a semi flexible sheath that you can slide on top of your own penis, but give her the experience of a much bigger penis!

And it is literally thousands of dollars cheaper than a divorce!


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

I just see the one post from OP. Is he still around?


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## Mpitts3446 (Jun 1, 2021)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


Sometimes fantasies should be left as that. It takes a tremendous relationship to introduce others into your relationship. Are you ready for her to compare your skills to a new guy? ( if it's a guy) or loose her to a female? If she is researching girl on girl she is already interested and who knows this just might be the catalyst for her to come out or at least identify as Bi. Each of those decisions may or may not include you.
As far as approaching the topic, be honest, and if you have to tiptoe around it, I'm willing to bet your relationship will not survive adding a third. If you both agree, write down expectations, hard limits , what is allowed, be very specific and both of you need to sign it. If you write it down, there will be no questions or doubts where you both stand.
Best of luck!


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## TeeTee78 (Oct 10, 2017)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


*Just tell her your desires and it’s something you wanted to try and I was hoping that she would be interested too. I know a lot of swinging couples and it works for them. *


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mpitts3446 said:


> Sometimes fantasies should be left as that. It takes a tremendous relationship to introduce others into your relationship. Are you ready for her to compare your skills to a new guy? ( if it's a guy) or loose her to a female? If she is researching girl on girl she is already interested and who knows this just might be the catalyst for her to come out or at least identify as Bi. Each of those decisions may or may not include you.
> As far as approaching the topic, be honest, and if you have to tiptoe around it, I'm willing to bet your relationship will not survive adding a third. If you both agree, write down expectations, hard limits , what is allowed, be very specific and both of you need to sign it. If you write it down, there will be no questions or doubts where you both stand.
> Best of luck!


If the relationship is tremendous there would be no need to commit adultery.


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## EssexUKMale (Jan 13, 2022)

DudeInProgress said:


> This is a very very dangerous path that destroys the majority of marriages that go down it.
> You can explore kinks without letting other men **** your wife.
> This is a very bad idea.


Totally wrong when talking about swinging. But also totally right when talking about polygamy.


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## Justsurviving85 (Nov 8, 2020)

Fashleyjones400 said:


> So… some background. I’m 33 and she is 34. We’ve been in a relationship since high school (14) and have a two children together. We did break up for a short period (6 weeks) when we were 18/19 soon got back together. During the break she claims to have not slept with anyone. Note this as it will become relevant later.
> 
> I want to introduce a third member to our bedroom. I’d like to find one person rather than several to be intimate with us. I’m not sure if the 3rd member should be another man or another woman yet. She is very vanilla but I know she has a kinky side. By seeing her phones search history and the constant need for batteries for her toys I can establish this.
> 
> ...


Just an idea but while introducing this third person why not also throw in an occasional game of Russian Roulette. The third person has an above average chance of killing your marriage and the Russian Roulette your life. Think on this. There isn’t an idea person to play this role. If you use a friend it’s almost a sure thing there will end up being one on one play with either you or your wife being left out. Later you lose this person as a friend. If you use someone you don’t know God only knows how this could end . How does anyone enjoy a stranger hoping in their bed possibly carrying bad memories from another couple wanting a third person ? 
Do your homework and you will find couple after couple that flushed their marriage just as the only two couples I personally know that went down this road. I will never forget what the wife of this one couple told me. She said it was so exciting and so hot all the way up until it actually started and her clothes begin to come off. She went on to say before any serious sexual contact had taken place she was feeling sick that she had degraded herself that much but said that didn’t make me half as sick as the thought of my husband not only being willing to give my body for another man’s pleasure but he was excited about doing it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread is now closed.


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