# Just read Why Women Cheat book Website Thats me I think



## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

I read the website not the book (it was eerily correct in my current situation)... and was going to buy it but thought.. will it give me ANSWERS as to what I should do about these feelings. I am having an A.. I have no sexual desire for my husband..at one point i thought there must be something wrong with me. I prayed cried and begged god to give it to me for my husband. but nothing. My husband is a good man but emotionally he is absent (unless he is angry or depressed which his often) we have been together for 8 years one child. and the OM tells me he loves me. I felt I was in-love with him until tonight reading that damn website. INFATUATION.. wow. OM and I are so much a like.. we talk about everything under the sun. we just mesh. H and I really don't have much in common. I know when I married him I was at a stage where I felt I wanted to settle down and did just that settled. I wanted to leave my H even before I had the A. But the guilt of knowing I would DESTROY him has kept me with him. I have explained to him that Im not in love.. no sexual desire.. I mean I tried to leave but..he was so miserable crying begging that all I could do was think how I would feel if I were him and it KILLS ME INSIDE! So I stay. I HATE feeling this way. I HATE that I am cheating. I want to stop but I relate to the addiction part.. the High I get. The feeling alive part, and the sexual desire I have for OM i don't have for H. It so Cruel and unfair. Why cant I have that for my husband dammit!! I swear sometimes I pray that I go to sleep and wake up wanting my H the way I want the OM. I'm 38 an this is my second marriage. My 1st marriage I was In love and was abused mentally and physically. 1st H was controlling and did not respect me and I eventually left. It devastated me. I feel I married this one because I knew I wasn't in love and could never be hurt like that again. This book is depressing because he seems there is no hope. I truly feel that with the OM I would not desire another. But would he? I can't bare the heartbreak... This LOVE MARRIAGE crap SUCKS!!!!!!!! Sometimes I feel that maybe I should just be single. What am I to do..I am Unhappy in my marriage... should I just stay to make H happy? Should I leave an be by myself... should I continue with OM after leaving... I need mental help I think.. Whoever said this was like a mental illness I think was partly right.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

Then why don't you explain this to your husband? he deserves someone that will love him as do you. This happened to my ex wife and her ex husband. It's really that simple. He is obviously better off with someone that won't cheat on him. You are better off getting the affection you need and crave.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

How do I contradict myself. I say I want to have the desire for my husband but don't. I say I am having an affair and felt I was in love untill I read that book. Now I am confused maybe it is Infatuation. I know it is wrong to have this affair so I tried to stop. But it is hard.. (reason I say I get the book when it says it is addictive like a drug) I am confused so I really don't know what I want to do... In a perfect world. I would be with a man I was in love with who loved me back I would have the sexual desire for him and vice verse. When I was in love it turned out VERY BAD. So I chose to marry a man that loved me more then I loved him. Thinking I wouldn't be hurt again. Now I am in a situation where I know if I leave him it would destroy him and Idon't want that either.. you confused because I AM friggin confused


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Can you have courtesy to sit down your husband and explain to him that you would like to D him?
If you dont love him, why do you stay in the marriage?
All I can see is that you wanted to SETTLE in life when you married your current H. Now that you are SETTLED, you seek something elsewhere.
By the way, what do you seek in marrying OM now? 
What do you mean by SETTLE?


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> Then why don't you explain this to your husband? he deserves someone that will love him as do you. This happened to my ex wife and her ex husband. It's really that simple. He is obviously better off with someone that won't cheat on him. You are better off getting the affection you need and crave.


I have explained how I felt..(not the affair) and he just doesn't listen. He wants to be with me and feels he can change or make it work and he tells me he couldn't live without me.. It tares me up inside to see him miserable like that. Write now I am writing through tears because I hate I am doing this... but I want to be happy an I am not. Maybe my happiness is not important but keeping the family an his happyness in tact is


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I just don't see how staying married to him for those reasons will help him? He will move on and find someone better for him. I think you will find someone better for you. Once you cheat it's kind of over. I could see getting over a one night stand or an EA over the internet, but once the johnson is put in place, it's kind of over.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Can you have courtesy to sit down your husband and explain to him that you would like to D him?
> If you dont love him, why do you stay in the marriage?
> All I can see is that you wanted to SETTLE in life when you married your current H. Now that you are SETTLED, you seek something elsewhere.
> By the way, what do you seek in marrying OM now?
> What do you mean by SETTLE?


I have explained this to him in DETAIL on 2 occasions once 2 years ago and I left got another apartment and he begged me back.. I felt so guilty for making him feel that way and the fact that I wasnt in love from the beginning (i do love him grown to over the years) I went back to stop his pain.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

So you are helping him by having sex with other men, feeling sorry for him, and living with him instead of someone that would make you happy? I think this is causing more damage than help.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> I have explained this to him in DETAIL on 2 occasions once 2 years ago and I left got another apartment and he begged me back.. I felt so guilty for making him feel that way and the fact that I wasnt in love from the beginning (i do love him grown to over the years) I went back to stop his pain.


:scratchhead:

Is there a contradiction between your pain in staying with him and the perceived pain that he might have when you say you want to leave?

If you want to avoid causing pain to him, why do you think about OM?
Your marriage problems - you should resolve with your H not with OM.
Seek counseling.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Can you have courtesy to sit down your husband and explain to him that you would like to D him?
> If you dont love him, why do you stay in the marriage?
> All I can see is that you wanted to SETTLE in life when you married your current H. Now that you are SETTLED, you seek something elsewhere.
> By the way, what do you seek in marrying OM now?
> What do you mean by SETTLE?


When I say settled I mean.. after the devastating divorce I went through with my 1st husband. 10years later The advice I got from my mother was Find a man that loves you more then you love him. and be good to him.. and you will be ok. Well I did that an I am miserable. And guilty for having it go so long. Confused because I am inlove with someone else...


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Is there a contradiction between your pain in staying with him and the perceived pain that he might have when you say you want to leave?
> 
> ...


You are right I should solve marraige problems with H... not with OM... Its not perceived PAIN... it is what I see from him and what he TELLS me when I say I want to leave, try to leave.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

It doesn't sound like you were so good to him if you cheated. Am I wrong?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

The innocent one,
I dont understand how you brought OM in your marraige.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> So you are helping him by having sex with other men, feeling sorry for him, and living with him instead of someone that would make you happy? I think this is causing more damage than help.


Your RIGHT! it is..I just don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life!! I am not a bad person really. I DO EVERYTHING for my husband. I put his wants infront of my for the most part. HE works come home and thats it. I do everything else (I also work) I don't know why I am even talking on the blog


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I think the biggest favor you could do for your husband is to divorce him and let him find someone that will truly love him and not say they love him while making love to another man.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> The innocent one,
> I dont understand how you brought OM in your marraige.


because I was looking for something I wasn't getting at home. Sexual, emotional, a connection. LOVE...I know its wrong... oh forget it thanks anyway.. I am signing out


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> I read the website not the book (it was eerily correct in my current situation)... and was going to buy it but thought.. will it give me ANSWERS as to what I should do about these feelings. I am having an A.. *I have no sexual desire for my husband..at one point i thought there must be something wrong with me.* No there is nothing wrong with you. Except choosing to have affair.*I prayed cried and begged god to give it to me for my husband. but nothing. My husband is a good man but emotionally he is absent (unless he is angry or depressed which his often)*
> Who woulden´t be absent? You do know that he most likely
> 'sensed you have no desire for him, right?
> 
> ...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You say you don't want to leave him because it would destroy him,but what do you think it's going to do to him when he finds out what you've been doing behind his back? The one good thing that might come from it is that it might knock you off the pedestal he apparently has you on and allow him to move on.That might be the best win/win for you both in a way.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> It doesn't sound like you were so good to him if you cheated. Am I wrong?


I have been with him for 8 years this affair has been 4 months..and yes you ARE wrong. but hey I guess you are hear to judge me... what did I expect anyway...


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

TBT said:


> You say you don't want to leave him because it would destroy him,but what do you think it's going to do to him when he finds out what you've been doing behind his back? The one good thing that might come from it is that it might knock you off the pedestal he apparently has you on and allow him to move on.That might be the best win/win for you both in a way.


You are right...I want to tell him I am trying to gather the courage... he also has a VERY bad temper..and I do fear he would hurt me.BADLY


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> I have been with him for 8 years this affair has been 4 months..and yes you ARE wrong. but hey I guess you are hear to judge me... what did I expect anyway...


Look i know you want to square the circle.But you *can'ttheinnocentone* Is not here to judge you.
No one is..You are so full of contradictions´s, so what do
you expect.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

theinnocentone said:


> because I was looking for something I wasn't getting at home. Sexual, emotional, a connection. LOVE...I know its wrong... oh forget it thanks anyway.. I am signing out


Innocent,

Don't leave here, if that's what you meant. You will have to work through these difficult issues anyway, here or elsewhere, later or now.

The best way to deal with your fears is to confront them. Well, confronting is what the people on TAM are good in 

Use this forum to your advantage, whatever the outcome will be, you can get out of this in a healthy state of mind.

Be good.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

It is confusion..you call it contradiction.. I am CONFUSED as to what I should do... this is the battle I have in my own head. I am sorry it is not laid out perfect for you all to understand.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Innocent,
> 
> Don't leave here, if that's what you meant. You will have to work through these difficult issues anyway, here or elsewhere, later or now.
> 
> ...


THANKYOU so MUCH...I know you all don't know me... or care but this is EATING ME UP INSIDE!! I cry all the time.. and cant give you the whole relationship in a few short post.. it is so very complicated.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I am going to probably sound judgemental. 

But I'll try to be nice, and for me, that is big. 

First: you married too young I think. You weren't old enough to understand what you were getting into. And you were gettied married because, you wanted to get married. You didn't put enough thought into with who. 

Second: you feel unloved. I understand. And you husband is unwilling to do anything about it. 
After my first girlfriend dumped me because I was emotionally dead to her (her words, not mine) I learned how to share my emotions more. 
So I am guessing you brought this up, trying to get him to open his heart to you, and his love. But he probably didn't. 
So I hope you turned to martical counseling. 

And finally, instead of fixing it, you made it worse. 
I think this man loves you, but is so uncapable of realizing how to show it to you, he doesn't realize it. 

You want my suggestion?
First off, STOP YOUR DAMN AFFAIR!!! That is not helping the situation. 
Second, tell your husband AFTER you stop the affair. 

And you tell him:
It was your stupid decision. 
But you did it because you felt like he couldn't share his love, and instead of talking about it, you decided to be selfish and stupid and cheat. 
Because if you do it in any other way, prepare yourself for your husband's fury. 
And then you BEG for a second chance. 
And you better be prepared: For no-contact with anyone he doesn't like, being answerable to him 24/7, live your life like you're under house arrest, and he'll say some pretty hurtful things. 

Now, if you think I am just a random person, and thinking "What does he know?" 

Well, my wife cheated on me for 5 months. 
And she told me. 
And it DESTROYED me. I didn't get it. I WAS emotionally there for her. I loved her, and let her know it. I was there for her physically. 
Not meaning to thread jack, but she only once, tried to put the littlest bit of blame on me. 
Then she stopped entirely. And she has given into every single one of my demands. I want her phone? Done. Her email? Done. Her facebook? Done. 
I don't like these friends? (they contributed to the affair) Drop em. Done. I want you getting a new job. Done. 

And how is that working?
Well, we are reconciling now. And I still love her. 
Was her affair hard? YES!
But do I love her enough to try and get over it? You bet! 

Why do I love her though? Why am I taking this big gamble? Because she was willing to show me, that my love is worth more to her, than anything else to her in her life. 

You do that with your husband. See how it works. 

Kinda rambling. Sorry.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

theinnocentone said:


> It is confusion..you call it contradiction.. I am CONFUSED as to what I should do... this is the battle I have in my own head. I am sorry it is not laid out perfect for you all to understand.


Bear in mind, this forum is for those looking to Cope With Infidelity - from all sides. Naturally, there are more on here coping with being betrayed than there are betrayers, so you're going to get a fair bit of response from those who know what it's like to be cheated on. They hurt, they know how much it hurts, and they will project some of that onto you, as you are in a similar situation to those who caused them so much hurt.

This is only to be expected. No one here is going to tell you that what you're doing is ok, because it really isn't.

There are people who can help you deal with it in a more constructive way - and have done so themselves. But there will be afair bit of other stuff as well, which you'll either have to deal with, ignore, or not come on and read.

As things stand though, I doubt you are doing youself or your husband any favours. (The OM doesn't get any consideration - unless he believes you're single.)

So, you've been weak - if you want to deal with things, you're going to have to be a lot stronger. But at least beggining the process of facing up to the situation is a good start.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Rags


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You truly feel like you would be happy with the other man? No you won't. You're addicted to pursuing things and feelings. Eventually your life with this new guy will settle down and you'll want to chase someone else. You've read too many romance novels and watched too many Disney movies and now you're stuck in the pursuit of one aspect of a relationship-- the infancy. But one day you'll be too old to chase men, and you'll remember your husband- you'll remember that he loved you and only in the end will you see the magnitude of your error. You're trading true love for fleeting passion. And you're going to do it no matter what i say. Just remember that people did try to warn you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I have been out of town so I haven't kept up on posts very much. Juicer, you took her back? wow. 



Juicer said:


> I am going to probably sound judgemental.
> 
> But I'll try to be nice, and for me, that is big.
> 
> ...


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Juicer said:


> I am going to probably sound judgemental.
> 
> But I'll try to be nice, and for me, that is big.
> 
> ...


No u aren't rambling I understood everything you said.. it haven't gathered already I rambled..lol :0)thank you


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Oh yea, another thing:

I hear all the time about WW thinking about how they will run away with their OM and live a happy life on the ashes of their husband. 

Interestingly, I have NEVER seen it work out on this forum, or in real life. 
And I saw the HR president, (a woman) cheat and try to run off with a coworker in my company. How did that end?
Both were fired, both are divorced, and I have no idea, but probably not that well for them. 
If you want to browse the forums, and look for hopefuly examples, be my guest. Maybe you'll find one. 

One in 13000...or how ever many threads we have in here.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> You truly feel like you would be happy with the other man? No you won't. You're addicted to pursuing things and feelings. Eventually your life with this new guy will settle down and you'll want to chase someone else. You've read too many romance novels and watched too many Disney movies and now you're stuck in the pursuit of one aspect of a relationship-- the infancy. But one day you'll be too old to chase men, and you'll remember your husband- you'll remember that he loved you and only in the end will you see the magnitude of your error. You're trading true love for fleeting passion. And you're going to do it no matter what i say. Just remember that people did try to warn you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats funny because I hate romance novels and am far from a disney movie person... I don't chase men..I have had one affair in my LIFE..so please don't tried to place me in some preconceived category.. I dated twice in the 10 years after my first marraige..


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> I have been out of town so I haven't kept up on posts very much. Juicer, you took her back? wow.


YEa. 

I deleted my old thread because I was triggering badly sometimes when my computer would take me to a different page than the one I wanted to go to, and it wasn't helping.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

tonyarz said:


> I think the biggest favor you could do for your husband is to divorce him and let him find someone that will truly love him and not say they love him while making love to another man.


Your right


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> It is confusion..you call it contradiction.. I am CONFUSED as to what I should do... this is the battle I have in my own head. I am sorry it is not laid out perfect for you all to understand.


Look im not trying to be a big A-hole to you. But you do contradict
Your self.Your confusion is what i belive is more based on OM.

Can you trust him to desire you and only you ,ironicly you are in some way scared that he will cheat on you.Because as you said you cant take more heart break..You also said being with 
OM "you know that you wont deseire onother man other then him"

Your words not mine.On the other hand you keep contradicting your self, when OM is not around. No affair high.There is a big diffrence between confused and contradiction..


But no matter what you chose to do.Please let your husband aware
on what is going on in his life.So he to can make a informed decison,regarding his own future.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I place you in the category of a cheater. Because that's what you are. You're coming here looking for validation in what you've done and what you're planning to do. You may not read romance novels but that's not the point- the point is you're stuck in a perpetual cycle of chasing a feeling. You're stuck in the woefully immoral idea that one's feelings are a proper gauge for behavior. And worst of all you are coming at the whole situation with the attitude and vernacular of someone who is a victim; like this happened to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Rags said:


> Bear in mind, this forum is for those looking to Cope With Infidelity - from all sides. Naturally, there are more on here coping with being betrayed than there are betrayers, so you're going to get a fair bit of response from those who know what it's like to be cheated on. They hurt, they know how much it hurts, and they will project some of that onto you, as you are in a similar situation to those who caused them so much hurt.
> 
> This is only to be expected. No one here is going to tell you that what you're doing is ok, because it really isn't.
> 
> ...


Thank you and Im sure I need the other prospective.. it just feels like daggers.. and I have been on the other side.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Juicer said:


> YEa.
> 
> I deleted my old thread because I was triggering badly sometimes when my computer would take me to a different page than the one I wanted to go to, and it wasn't helping.


I knew you would


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> I place you in the category of a cheater. Because that's what you are. You're coming here looking for validation in what you've done and what you're planning to do. You may not read romance novels but that's not the point- the point is you're stuck in a perpetual cycle of chasing a feeling. You're stuck in the woefully immoral idea that one's feelings are a proper gauge for behavior. And worst of all you are coming at the whole situation with the attitude and vernacular of someone who is a victim; like this happened to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have your opinion and thats ok.. I am not stuck in a perpetual cycle of chasing feelings. Quite the opposite. I tried very hard for a long time to avoid those feelings. I am-not here for validation I was here to vent. To talk with others in my situation. TO get constructive advice. I found this site by looking up WHY DO WOMEN CHEAT came across a book that lead me here. I wanted to understand how I could be in a marraige with no desire for my husband... Why I chose that marriage.. why I chose to cheat... what the feelings I feel for the OM are and why they aren't for my husband YES i need counseling.. Yes I am wrong.. But you are wrong in your assessment of me.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Look im not trying to be a big A-hole to you. But you do contradict
> Your self.Your confusion is what i belive is more based on OM.
> 
> Can you trust him to desire you and only you ,ironicly you are in some way scared that he will cheat on you.Because as you said you cant take more heart break..You also said being with
> ...


I meant I would NOT desire another man.. I thought I fixed that.. My computer is a little sticky


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> Now I am in a situation where I know if I leave him it would destroy him and Idon't want that either.. you confused because I AM friggin confused


No your not confused - you are wanting your situation to be different than it is. you know what you want - you want to not be in an affair, and you want your feelings for the OM to be true and not just some dopamine hit you get from the affair.

You know the OM isn't at all ok to be with, and that you do need to end that relationship. It isn't fair to your husband, your child, or to you.

There can be love for your husband, but not while you're getting your emotional hit from the OM.

And your husband - any chance he's withdrawn and angry because you've withdrawn from him, and his gut is telling him something nasty and wrong is being done by you.. oh perhaps you're having an affair. I know that would push me away and leave me very angry.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> No your not confused - you are wanting your situation to be different than it is. you know what you want - you want to not be in an affair, and you want your feelings for the OM to be true and not just some dopamine hit you get from the affair.
> 
> You know the OM isn't at all ok to be with, and that you do need to end that relationship. It isn't fair to your husband, your child, or to you.
> 
> ...


Hubby has been like this way before OM.. talk to people his family and friends and this is his personality.. he admits that it is hard for him to show emotion.. you are right.. OM must go if I want to try to work with H. but honestly I tried before and it went nowhere...


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

I am going to tell him about the affair.. (not face to face though)I am going to end the affair. because I need to be by myself.. I am going to divorce my husband.. because he deserves better. I deserve better. Thank you all for your advice. Maybe i will be back...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Oh The Innocent One,

Is your OM married?

Marital courtesies demand that existing challenges in marriage are resolved BEFORE you enter into another relationship.

*Do you now see why your mind is eating you up from inside?*

Understanding that your husband is unloving (as I see it inattentive), you should deal with him and not bring OM into your marriage.

Fix your marriage problems. Counseling should help.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Why? Because you're greedy. It's as simple as that. You saw something you wanted that you weren'tsupposed to have. Like most undisciplined people you thought that if you hage a desire for it, you should have it. I'm not trying to be mean but it really is as simple as that. Life presents everyone with things that they want that they're not supposed to have. Some people acknowledge that and continue, understanding that there are some things we just don't get to have because it would be destructive to us and to others. But most people just take what they want because they're used to getting what they want. The thought that something might not belong to them is so foreign, so bizarre they simply can't fathom it. And in the aftermath they can't face the simple and obvious truth that they're selfish, so they try to complicate the matter by redefining what they've done or why they've done it, rather than come to terms with who they are. 

I would love to be wrong. 

People who give in to temptation don't understand temptation. The ones who truly know how terrible it is are the ones who resist it fully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Oh The Innocent One,
> 
> Is your OM married?
> 
> ...


I never tried counseling.. Maybe it couldn't hurt. (unloving) that hit it on the head.. I didn't know how to put that.. I know he loves me but its mechanical.. he seems to love the idea of marriage the idea of me.. but don't really see ME. He also doesn't know how to do anything on his own. I do everything its like I am the man in the relationship. I am his ROCK but he is not mine.. and I know I am partly the cause because I do everything... makes it easy for him to allow me

No OM is not married but went through similar situation with ExWife.. Unloving..


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> I am going to tell him about the affair.. (not face to face though)I am going to end the affair. because I need to be by myself.. I am going to divorce my husband.. because he deserves better. I deserve better. Thank you all for your advice. Maybe i will be back...


I hope you will keep comming back..But that is your choice.
OM has to go regardless,even if you devorce.Trust me it wont last.

Please dont take this the wrong way. But i think you would benefit
You in the long run.To seek out profesional consueling, to talk.

Your first marriage i suspect did a quit a number on you.
And now this.I dont belive people just wake up one day.And say
Today im looking to find some one to have affair with.
Dont think you woke up one day like that.

To talk with a profesonal IC would be a good thing.

You still have many years left.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

The Innocent One is a contrast to reality.. the reason I chose the name... I know I AM NOT the innocent one...only my child in this situation


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> I hope you will keep comming back..But that is your choice.
> OM has to go regardless,even if you devorce.Trust me it wont last.
> 
> Please dont take this the wrong way. But i think you would benefit
> ...


You know.. You made me tear up with your simple Post... YES it DID one HELL OF A NUMBER on me... and NO I didn't look for this affair. It was a Cowardly way of dealing with my issues


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Oh yea, another thing:
> 
> I hear all the time about WW thinking about how they will run away with their OM and live a happy life on the ashes of their husband.
> 
> ...


Yeah..I know it is a LONG shot in a dark filled room of broken glass and aids infected hyper-dermal needles while I walk aimlessly blindfolded and barefooted.:iagree: but I am coming to terms that I am using OM as an excuse.. to leave my husband.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> You know.. You made me tear up with your simple Post... YES it DID one HELL OF A NUMBER on me... and NO I didn't look for this affair. It was a Cowardly way of dealing with my issues


I hope i did not tear you up in a bad way.It was not what my post to was intended.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

I failed to mention that hubby JUST quit his job of 7 years working away from home during the week and only home on the weekends sometimes everyother weekend he works now where he comes home everyday... something I've been asking for years... it doesn't escuse my behavior... but now that I am not as emotional as I was when I first started this thread and can be a little more detailed


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> I hope i did not tear you up in a bad way.It was not what my post to was intended.


It made me cry uncontrollably... it wasn't a badthing so to speak it was a slap in the face of reality... I haven't fully gotten over


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Is this the website?

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

If you read it, and the book, you will know that if you leave your husband for someone else the cycle will just repeat itself.

There are ways you can work on developing affection with your husband, if you are prepared to try.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

theinnocentone said:


> I failed to mention that hubby JUST quit his job of 7 years working away from home during the week and only home on the weekends sometimes everyother weekend he works now where he comes home everyday... something I've been asking for years... it doesn't escuse my behavior... but now that I am not as emotional as I was when I first started this thread and can be a little more detailed


Hopefully this is good news for you and your relationship.
Your husband was prepared to change jobs to try and keep you happy, a definite act of love, can you not meet him halfway?

You also mention that he is emotionally distant, he may just find it difficult to outwardly express his emotions. A different thing altogether but outwardly similar.
And be warned, although it is hard for anyone, when somebody like that finally has those emotional barriers smashed due to divorce or an affair they can be an absolute mess.
Twenty years ago my wife and I had our 'problem', we reconciled but to be honest after that I was emotionally distant, I'd already been hurt once and wasn't prepared to be hurt again. We eventually had a big talk and it all came flooding out, she was absolutely amazed at the way I felt. Fast forward to now, and I swear I am like a lovesick teenager around her sometimes. We are the envy of many of our friends because of the relationship we have and we are currently planning our 25th in a few years, either a cruise and stay to New York or an ice cruise.


Is it possible that your husband subconciously realises that you (your own words) married someone you knew loved you more than you loved them?
Why would he show his emotions to someone who loved him less than he loved them and risk getting his heart broken?

As for the OM, are you absolutely sure that you are not just the current woman that he is seeing for sex and companionship? I know you probably don't think so as you are in love/infatuated with the OM but that is the way that a lot of these guys act.

How do you know that OM was in a loveless marriage? Did he tell you that? I'm sorry but that is probably number one tactic used by cheaters. Once he has your sympathy and empathy he knows he is 75% of the way into your pants.
Did you believe him when he told you that because he was a good man? If he was such a good man he wouldn't be having sex with a married woman. If you knew the truth you would probably find he got divorced because he cheated.

You do also realise that your poor husband does not have a level playing field don't you? He has had to come home tired, and it sounds like quite a tiring job being away all week and some weekends, to a fed up wife (understandable I suppose because it must be hard not having your husband around when from your posts you sound as though you really just need some love and affection.) Hopefully your husband's new position may be just what you need to rebuild your marriage.
The OM has it easy, all he has to do is every now and again sweet talk you for a while and he gets to have (for him) no strings attached sex.
How can your real life husband match up to a fantasy land OM.

I didn't see in your posts (may have missed it) but you don't mention that you intend settling down with OM.
You may find that when push comes to shove and OM is faced with the prospect of taking on you, your child and a justifiably angry husband he bails and goes on to the next woman having helped you destroy your life.

Hope you read this post in the manner I intended it as I wasn't trying to be too critical as it is so easy to just bash someone for having an affair.

Please remember three things at least,

The OM is not a good man, no matter what he might say or do he is actively pursuing a married woman and having sex with her. Good and honourable men do not have sex with another mans wife.

Please give your husband a chance, now he is back in the family home try to rebuild for you your child and your husbands sake.

Get some counselling.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Problem is that you have:
Plan A
AND
Plan B

This is a terrible place to be. Make up your mind one way or another. 

Or go mad.

People don't have two relationships at once for a reason.

Your choice.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

*RED FLAG*

When I say settled I mean.. after the devastating divorce I went through with my 1st husband. 10years later The advice I got from my mother was Find a man that loves you more then you love him. and be good to him.. and you will be ok. Well I did that an I am miserable. And guilty for having it go so long. Confused because I am inlove with someone else...


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Perhaps the question most WS should be asking themselves is, what makes them so desirable that anyone would want to stay with them?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> Perhaps the question most WS should be asking themselves is, what makes them so desirable that anyone would want to stay with them?


Nu har du dragit på dig alla trädkramares ilska


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Google translate might have got this wrong.

Now you've incurred all the trees hug successor anger:scratchhead:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I just wanted to add a simple though.

For other people you are NOT what you THINK you are, but rather what they get from your BEHAVIOR. 

And if the two conflict i'll say that you really need to take a step back and check if you're not engaging in a simple wishful thinking exercise when you're classifying yourself. 

You cannot expect just to say you're this and that when your actions speak otherwise and you're called on it. 

And above all remember that in an anonymous forum like this people will be honest about it. Much more so than in a face to face exchange.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Hopefully this is good news for you and your relationship.
> Your husband was prepared to change jobs to try and keep you happy, a definite act of love, can you not meet him halfway?
> 
> You also mention that he is emotionally distant, he may just find it difficult to outwardly express his emotions. A different thing altogether but outwardly similar.
> ...


No.. I read and took your post EXACTLY how you intended it. I am here for constructive criticism not to be stone to death ;0) So thank you for your well thought out and Thoughtful post. I agree with what you wrote, I told my husband this morning that I wanted us to go to counseling. He said he would. I haven't mentioned that about 2 weeks ago. I explained all this to him (with the exception of the affair which he is suspicious of me having) that I wanted to get a divorced for all the reasons I mentioned in earlier posts. He begged that we try and work it out. We are now in a state of carrying on.. but nothing has changed... Yes counseling is in order.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Is this the website?
> 
> Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity
> 
> ...


YES thats the website... and PLEASE tell me these ways.... a book? will counseling help. Although most probably think I am just a greedy good for nothing wife who decided to cheat on my great great husband.. I DO want to have these feeling with my husband. WHy on earth would I put myself and my family through such a destructive thing? I DO WANT to have these feelings for my husband. I am not lazy I have TRIED to do ifferent things to get them... I am only ONE person in this relationship. He must be willing too.. He say he is willing now. We will see. And it may be that we will see that we need to be divorced. It may be that when he find out about the affair. He may NOT want to work it out. I will keep you all posted,


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If I sound slighted, I am dealing with divorcing parents, due to cheating, so don't take it personal. 

But what is your plan here?
Let's say your husband becomes better during counseling? He can actually somewhat open up to you, and maybe you start to fall in love with him?
You love the OM. Or else, you wouldn't still be with him. 

Second, are you going to string your husband along during the counseling?
Because it doesn't look like you are very committed to ending your affair. You sound more like "Yea, I'll end it because I probably should," and not "Yes, I will end my affair because it is the right thing to do." 
Or are you going to keep your OM on the side during the counseling, that way if he can't become better, you have a second option?

And if you do keep the OM, do you honestly think you are giving your marriage an opportunity? Because you'll put more effort into hiding your affair and being in your affair than you will put into fixing your marriage. 

Finally, does your husband know you are cheating?

Because, I am assuming he doesn't. 
Well, if you casually let it slip that you have been cheating, he may consider that onforgiveable, and divorce you. So what good will counseling be? 
Will you TT him during the counseling? Because you can't tell him everything, otherwise he'll learn about the affair. So you'll have to lie around it, or omit facts around it. 
So all you are doing is a half-hearted attempt to make your husband a better man. 

And what if he does become a better man? A perfect man to you? Will you still tell him about your affair? Or will you hide it, and keep it till the day you die? 
Would he even deserve you if he becomes a great husband? You? A lying cheat that can't even admit to her husband that changed for her, that she cheated on him because he wasn't something? 
Because if you keep it till the day you die...not going to go there. 

Honestly, until you tell him about the affair, and tell him you want to go to counseling to deal with it, you are making zero progress. You are just trying to make this man better so you can see:

Do I really want to live with you? 
Or do I want to try my chances in the real world? 

Because you have already tasted the single world. You just want to see if you should really go out there, or sit in your comfy marriage and continue eating your cake. 

Because the options now, for you, since you are the cheater, should be:

Does my husband still actually want to be with (much less talk) me? (that is assuming you tell him you cheated)
Or does he want to divorce and leave me? Because you cheated, so he has every right to.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

theinnocentone said:


> No.. I read and took your post EXACTLY how you intended it. I am here for constructive criticism not to be stone to death ;0) So thank you for your well thought out and Thoughtful post. I agree with what you wrote, I told my husband this morning that I wanted us to go to counseling. He said he would. I haven't mentioned that about 2 weeks ago. I explained all this to him (with the exception of the affair which he is suspicious of me having) that I wanted to get a divorced for all the reasons I mentioned in earlier posts. He begged that we try and work it out. We are now in a state of carrying on.. but nothing has changed... Yes counseling is in order.


Unless you completely DUMP the OM out of your life - and I mean completely an totally gone forever and forver, No contact at all. 

then the MC will be a waste of time and money. why? Because with the OM around, you won't be fairly and honestly working on the MC program.You'll be putting in time, and using things discussed in MC to justify your affair.

For MC to work - there can only be two people in the relationship, not three. And both people must work on making it work. With the OM around, you will be holding yourself back and wasting time and money.

If you want to save your family and save your daughter from a mom who's been married and divorced multiple times, then dump the OM completely - no contact AT ALL. Consider even coming clean to your husband so he knows the fight he has ahead with you, and then commit to really working on MC.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Exactly

Marriage Counseling CANNOT work with a third person in the marriage.

If your affair goes unknown it will create an emotional wall between you two in counseling

The worst thing is that your husband doesn't even know about the phantom OM he'll have no idea why.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Also, who knows about your cheating?

Because is there a possibility he'll find out about the cheating from someone besides you?
Because I imagine that will end badly...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

theinnocentone said:


> This LOVE MARRIAGE crap SUCKS!!!!!!!! Sometimes I feel that maybe I should just be single. What am I to do..I am Unhappy in my marriage... should I just stay to make H happy? Should I leave an be by myself... should I continue with OM after leaving... I need mental help I think.. Whoever said this was like a mental illness I think was partly right.



I think you hit the nail on the head. You went from an abusive guy to a guy you really didn't love. 

If you don't love your husband, set him free. 

You need to be single for awhile until you find a decent guy you can love. 

Cheating is the wrong way to end a marriage. 

It causes a lot of emotional damage to the faithful spouse. 

Also, many people who cheat and rewrite the marital history to justify their cheating eventually leave only to realize that they really did love their spouse but just got sexually bored 

I hope that does not happen to you.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

The best thing might be to tell OM that you are not going to see him anymore, and are going to work on your marriage and give it an honest try for six months minimum.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

theinnocentone said:


> I have been with him for 8 years this affair has been 4 months..and yes you ARE wrong. but hey I guess you are hear to judge me... what did I expect anyway...


Innoncent one. The people hear are trying to help you gain some insight into yourself. 

Did you come here to have someone say it is okay to cheat and then divorce your spouse. 

No, it's not. You should have divorced him and moved out on your own. That would be less devastating. 

Instead you selfishly chose to cheat and only now want to Divorce since you have a replacement. 

This is a fact based on your postings, and whether you want to believe it or not, it is selfish. 

That's simply a fact, not a judgment.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> If I sound slighted, I am dealing with divorcing parents, due to cheating, so don't take it personal.
> 
> But what is your plan here?
> Let's say your husband becomes better during counseling? He can actually somewhat open up to you, and maybe you start to fall in love with him?
> ...


I will tell him I cheated. Just not alone or in his presence. I KNOW he would hurt me if I did. I will NOT continue on with the OM.. I am realizing that what I felt is infatuation. Something I had not felt in so long.. affection.. I confused with infatuation and love. I am NOT in a comfy marriage if I was, I wouldn't be airing my soul to a bunch of strangers. Or having this Affair. You are right about a few things.. (reality check for me).. am I going to counseling to make HIM a better man.. or am I going to counseling to find out why I CHOSE to be with man that I probably knew was not the affectionate type... Thank you for your post. I need counseling for me to get over my first devastating marriage. I think I want counseling for us to see if we can work this out. Maybe its a long shot. I don't have any good examples to go by and I am DEFINITELY not showing my daughter a good example. Its just a mess. BTW.. I just talked to OM and said its over. I am going to change my number. Will I stick to it.. I am going to PRAY about it.. and come back an forth to this forum so people can tell me LOOK LEAVE HIS ASS ALONE... give me some encouragement... or someone say some mean thing to mean to make me feel like CRAP.. to give me more encouragement.


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

indiecat said:


> The best thing might be to tell OM that you are not going to see him anymore, and are going to work on your marriage and give it an honest try for six months minimum.


I was just saying that...I think I will use this forum.. for support in those efforts.. I was so on the defensive last night when I first started posting... because I felt at wits end... and desperate for answers.. When I came across that book it was like an AH HA moment when it came to the OM. LIKE OMG... this is exactly what I am feeling,... THIS IS NOT LOVE YOU IDIOT! My experience with love in my past was so dysfunctional and hurtful that I think I was trying to avoid that whole situation, when I married. Someone said in a post earlier about being stuck in adolescence I guess. I am sort of... because the first marraige happened so young 19 and it was so bad... that I put my heart on HOLD. For a long time.. then when I finally decided THOUGHT I was ready to do it again... I took advice from my BITTER mother who's husband left her after 17 years of marraige 5 kids and an infant for another woman. That I should find a man that Loves me more then I love him and be good to him. I ran with that advice an did just that. BTW We only dated 29 days before we married. ( and that plot thickens) I know I know. I am ready for the daggers


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Innoncent one. The people hear are trying to help you gain some insight into yourself.
> 
> Did you come here to have someone say it is okay to cheat and then divorce your spouse.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Uh...29 days for your first marriage, or your second marriage?


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I think you hit the nail on the head. You went from an abusive guy to a guy you really didn't love.
> 
> If you don't love your husband, set him free.
> 
> ...


You are right..Thank you for your post


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Uh...29 days for your first marriage, or your second marriage?


My second... My first we dated a year and 4 months.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You got married in less time than it takes most people to get divorced...

Was your husband a rebound, and you just never let go?


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## theinnocentone (Oct 8, 2012)

I wouldnt consider him a rebound... because it was over 7 years when I divorced the first time and the second husband was 2004 but I guess maybe you could because I was emotionally on HOLD with falling in love again...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Beyond the fraudulent fundation of your marriage, maybe you chose a wrong match, maybe BH is too introspect, emotionaly unaviable, maybe neglectful of your emotional needs.
Maybe also you have hardwired intimathy issues so you can't enjoy a real, intimate relatioship. The moment you settled for a reliable, decent man you started craving the drama and chaos of your former marriage. Just an idea. 
Did you had a dysfuncional, chaotic childhood?, abused somehow (emotional, physical, sexually)?

Anyhow, no matter the outcome of your marriage cut OM for good, send him a NC letter (ask for templates), block him, get rid of mementoes... get past the withdrawal, give yourself time. Then you will start thinking more clearly about your marriage and yourself.
Regain self respect, your dignity. If your marriage has to end do it with integrity.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

theinnocentone said:


> YES thats the website... and PLEASE tell me these ways.... a book? will counseling help. Although most probably think I am just a greedy good for nothing wife who decided to cheat on my great great husband.. I DO want to have these feeling with my husband. WHy on earth would I put myself and my family through such a destructive thing? I DO WANT to have these feelings for my husband. I am not lazy I have TRIED to do ifferent things to get them... I am only ONE person in this relationship. He must be willing too.. He say he is willing now. We will see. And it may be that we will see that we need to be divorced. It may be that when he find out about the affair. He may NOT want to work it out. I will keep you all posted,


OK, I read it a while ago, and I thought it had a lo of useful ideas, but bear in mind the author has no qualifications in the area.

Basic thesis of the book is that women are wired to bond to one male for a while and then seek novelty with a new male. So they will decide they are not in love with their partner as part of falling in love with someone else.

The book gave I think three main reasons:

PEA chemicals that are an addictive drug at the start of the new affair. This is in conflict with oxytocin, which promotes bonding in a long term relationship.

Sexual awakening of a woman in late 20s to early 30s...overpowering hormones.

A desire for men with big penises.

The book made no moral judgements as I recall, except to point out that moving from partner to partner does not bring happiness. It suggested that if you recognise the pattern you can make better decisions about what to do with it.

You've already taken a step by acknowledging the OM is an infatuation. You need to be aware it's incredibly difficult to fight that infatuation due to the PEA, so you need help to do it.

You can also stimulate oxytocin production to help you re-bond with your husband:

The Lazy Way to Stay in Love | Psychology Today

You are going to tell your husband the truth about the affair, which I think is very wise and exactly right, but it will give him a decision to make. If he decides to work on the marriage, you have to think about whether you are willing to.

The other thing (and I can't remember whether this was in that book or not, but it's certainly true) is that as part of the affair you will have rewritten history in your head to blame your husband for the failings in the marriage. So as you come out of the affair, you will probably realise some of what you think now about your marriage is just wrong, and it is actually better than you currently realise. Therefore it is worth giving it some time just to work out what you really think.

Finally be aware that, when you tell your husband what you have done, it's going to take a while for the full force of it to sink in. And probably some of the pain your actions have inflicted will never leave him. I am not saying this to rub salt in the wound, you need to understand how he is feeling in order to work with him. And as part of rebuilding trust....I cannot emphasise this point enough...tell him the truth. The WHOLE truth. Answer his questions completely and honestly. You may think that holding details back will spare him pain, but it actually increases his pain, because he will work it out and each time he finds a new lie or omission, he'll be right back where he was when you first told him, except that he'll be wondering more and more how much else there is he doesn't know.

Likewise whenever you are out, he will wonder where you are. Whenever you talk to another male he will wonder if it's just talk. You need to be open about your movements and give him ways to check up on you so that he can rebuild trust. This is not him being paranoid or unreasonable...you have given him very good reason to be suspicious.

Good luck. I am glad you are taking action. I hope you will find it in you to reconcile and build a strong marriage. My wife cheated on me 22 years ago, and we had some rough times but we got there and our marriage is the best it has ever been. It can be done!


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