# My husband is cheating



## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

My husband is sexting with other women, I see msgs and pictures between him and other women.. It is not the first time, unfortunately I still love him (I think I do or maybe attachment) and what he does breaks me !
It’s not the first time, he did that first year of our marriage, we had a fight about it and he promised to stop but I think he somehow forgets and keeps doing it again and again .. sometimes just flirting and others dirty talk.
He says this doesn’t mean anything and it’s just talk during the moment.
I stopped talking about It cause he is not responding anymore and I dunno what to do.. he says he loves me and every time I bring separation he refuses and I am attached to him !
I haven’t told him what I saw cause there’s no point .. I know that I shouldn’t stay with him but he is my first
we have been married for 6 years and before that 5 years relation and engagement so he has been around me all my life .. 
I feel that my heart is broken and I feel weak unable to take actions 
Some friends tell me to fight for him and try to grab his attention away from this but all I can think of is till when ?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rema-77 said:


> My husband is sexting with other women, I see msgs and pictures between him and other women.. It is not the first time, unfortunately I still love him (I think I do or maybe attachment) and what he does breaks me !
> It’s not the first time, he did that first year of our marriage, we had a fight about it and he promised to stop but I think he somehow forgets and keeps doing it again and again .. sometimes just flirting and others dirty talk.
> He says this doesn’t mean anything and it’s just talk during the moment.
> I stopped talking about It cause he is not responding anymore and I dunno what to do.. he says he loves me and every time I bring separation he refuses and I am attached to him !
> ...


Unless he has some sort of cognitive disability, he is absolutely NOT forgetting his promise to not cheat on you. He just doesn't care enough to stop. 

You need to stop looking for excuses for his actions. He is cheating because he wants to. 

As for what you need to do about it? Not what your friends say. Trying to nice him back or playing the pick me game will not work. You need to put your foot down and make him realize that you are serious about it. The cheating stops, he gets into therapy, and he does everything necessary to reconcile (timeline of events, full disclosure, full access to all electronics, etc), or you divorce. 

The thing is, you have to be ready to follow through if he doesn't.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Also, don't tell him what else you know. Use that information to your advantage. You tell him he has one shot to come clean and if he doesn't, it's over. 

Again, you have to be prepared to follow through.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

You can't make him love you and treat you right. He has to want to on his own. Right now he sounds like a typical cake eater. He has you for day to day stability and he has his single man life on the side. He knows you won't do anything so he has no reason to change. It also seems like he is a serial cheater - they seldom change enough to become a safe partner in life. 
Do you have access to bank accounts? Are you dependant on him financially? Do you have family and trusted friends that can support you emotionally and possibly give you a place to stay for a while? Do you have any children?
You should seek legal advice so you know your rights and what divorce could look like. You say you love him. Why would you love someone who abuses you in this way. Do you really love him as he is, or do you love the idealized image you have of him? You said you asked for a separation and he said no. Why does he get to control everything. If you want to separate, then do it.
You have to act to change your situation. No one will do it for you. You can have a much better life if you are willing to pursue it. It won't be easy, but in the end you can end up happy. Staying with him also is not easy and you are likely to end up very sad.
Keep posting here. You will get great advise and support every step of the way. Many of the people here have been in your shoes. They got through it and you will too. The weekend can be slow, but support is on its way.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Yeah, what bobert said.

He didn't forget. He cares more about having his ego and possibly whatever else stroked than he does about your relationship. One thing that seems universal with this type of thing...it's like roaches. You see one, you know there are more behind the wall. You are not a teen. You are a grown woman. Yes, you are attached. He is what you are used to, and sadly, you are becoming used to being second best.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

QuietGuy said:


> He knows you won't do anything so he has no reason to change.


This. I can't stress it enough. 



QuietGuy said:


> You said you asked for a separation and he said no. Why does he get to control everything. If you want to separate, then do it.


Yep, it isn't up to him. He clearly wants to live as if single, so make him single again.


ah_sorandy said:


> If you are keeping him sexually interested in you, and sexually satisfied, he has NO EXCUSE for this behavior.


No matter what, he has no excuse for this behavior. No one makes him act this way, no matter they do or don't do. He is making a choice to behave this way every time he does it. It's on him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rema-77 said:


> My husband is sexting with other women, I see msgs and pictures between him and other women.. It is not the first time, unfortunately I still love him (I think I do or maybe attachment) and what he does breaks me !
> It’s not the first time, he did that first year of our marriage, we had a fight about it and he promised to stop but I think he somehow forgets and keeps doing it again and again .. sometimes just flirting and others dirty talk.
> He says this doesn’t mean anything and it’s just talk during the moment.
> I stopped talking about It cause he is not responding anymore and I dunno what to do.. he says he loves me and every time I bring separation he refuses and I am attached to him !
> ...


He has gotten away with it so he won’t change. The only thing that will change is that you will become a shadow of your former self due to the pain he will cause you. He does not love you really, otherwise he wouldn’t do this. He sounds addicted. Have some self respect. Time to consider walking away. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Why fight for damaged goods, better to get brand new goods. Separation is not his choice, it is yours, yiu do not need his permission. Go see a lawyer.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It appears that you are in France, please correct me if I’m wrong. 
Unfortunately it seems to be almost compulsory over there to have a girlfriend/boyfriend as well as a spouse. Your president’s carry on this tradition enthusiastically. 
My only advice is to either divorce or fight fire with fire.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most people past a certain age don’t change. If you don’t get strong and stay there. This will always be your life. You do have a choice.


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Also, don't tell him what else you know. Use that information to your advantage. You tell him he has one shot to come clean and if he doesn't, it's over.
> 
> Again, you have to be prepared to follow through.


So I shouldn’t tell him what I saw .. then how can I open such conversation ?
Or how to tell him that I know he is cheating ?


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> You can't make him love you and treat you right. He has to want to on his own. Right now he sounds like a typical cake eater. He has you for day to day stability and he has his single man life on the side. He knows you won't do anything so he has no reason to change. It also seems like he is a serial cheater - they seldom change enough to become a safe partner in life.
> Do you have access to bank accounts? Are you dependant on him financially? Do you have family and trusted friends that can support you emotionally and possibly give you a place to stay for a while? Do you have any children?
> You should seek legal advice so you know your rights and what divorce could look like. You say you love him. Why would you love someone who abuses you in this way. Do you really love him as he is, or do you love the idealized image you have of him? You said you asked for a separation and he said no. Why does he get to control everything. If you want to separate, then do it.
> You have to act to change your situation. No one will do it for you. You can have a much better life if you are willing to pursue it. It won't be easy, but in the end you can end up happy. Staying with him also is not easy and you are likely to end up very sad.
> Keep posting here. You will get great advise and support every step of the way. Many of the people here have been in your shoes. They got through it and you will too. The weekend can be slow, but support is on its way.


I’m not sure anymore if this is love or attachment because of how long we have been together !
Maybe I love the old him or a picture that I have of him.

We don’t have kids (I wasn’t feeling safe enough and our sec life is not helping either) - I have started to work 10 months ago so yes I can be somehow independent financially.

We have relocated to another country 2 years ago, so I am away from my family and I don’t have friends here to depend on .. I know some but I don’t think I can get the support.


Why he gets to choose ? Well cause when I‘m still hoping he could fix things or find a way out.
I haven’t told him what I saw because even back then I wasn’t sure what was going on .. I felt him being distant (sleeping outside on the couch, all the time on his mobile, planing his daily activities solo) so I opened the conversation of how to fix our relation but he didn’t say or suggest actions, so I asked if he wants to separate or if we should separate but he refused. He said he wants to be with me.

I want to be happy, respected , cared about. I want to feel love and appreciation.
I want safety and security in the relationship and I know I’m not going to get that with him but I got weak .. my emotions are too much for me to handle ..
Sometimes I think wouldn it be easy if I sleep one day and just don’t wake up !


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> It appears that you are in France, please correct me if I’m wrong.
> Unfortunately it seems to be almost compulsory over there to have a girlfriend/boyfriend as well as a spouse. Your president’s carry on this tradition enthusiastically.
> My only advice is to either divorce or fight fire with fire.


Netherlands.
I can’t do the same, it’s against my values and he knows it ! Doing this would do me more hurt than good .. 

I agree as well that unfortunately, I’m getting used to be second and to be treated like this !


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

aine said:


> He has gotten away with it so he won’t change. The only thing that will change is that you will become a shadow of your former self due to the pain he will cause you. He does not love you really, otherwise he wouldn’t do this. He sounds addicted. Have some self respect. Time to consider walking away. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Why fight for damaged goods, better to get brand new goods. Separation is not his choice, it is yours, yiu do not need his permission. Go see a lawyer.


Cause I still have small bit of hope he would change ? and also because he made me think less of myself as a woman that I believe I won’t have someone else ..
I get anxiety / pain just from the idea of leaving. I wasn’t weak like this before him.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rema-77 said:


> Sometimes I think wouldn it be easy if I sleep one day and just don’t wake up !


No. Don't think like that. You are grieving. Grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had. 

Now that you see him for what he is, it's time to take action and take care of yourself. 

If you don't have a support system there, can you go back home?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ah_sorandy said:


> REDACTED


There us no excuse for his behaviour anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rema-77 said:


> I’m not sure anymore if this is love or attachment because of how long we have been together !
> Maybe I love the old him or a picture that I have of him.
> 
> We don’t have kids (I wasn’t feeling safe enough and our sec life is not helping either) - I have started to work 10 months ago so yes I can be somehow independent financially.
> ...


Have you thought about going home to your family?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Rema-77 said:


> Cause I still have small bit of hope he would change ? and also because he made me think less of myself as a woman that I believe I won’t have someone else ..
> I get anxiety / pain just from the idea of leaving. I wasn’t weak like this before him.



@Rema-77
You feel weak, not because you're weak, but cos you're being treated badly by him.
You think less of yourself as a woman, not because you are less of a woman, but cos you're being treated badly by him.

See what I mean?
That is what abuse does. It's emotional abuse. He's practically bullying you with things like telling you 'it doesn’t mean anything' and' it’s just talk' and then he refuses to talk about separation?

What you are feeling is normal in this situation. I had the same with my ex-husband and I felt exactly as you do now.

I was so relieved to read that you don't have kids.
See? Your gut instinct stopped you cos you didn't feel safe. That just proves you are a strong woman and you know what you want.

You also came on here for advice, a very smart thing to do when you had no local support.

You also suggested separation to him. Many betrayed people who come on here haven't even gotten that far, or close to it. But the strong woman inside you has already. 

You said:


Rema-77 said:


> I want to be happy, respected , cared about. I want to feel love and appreciation.
> I want safety and security in the relationship and I know I’m not going to get that with him but I got weak .. my emotions are too much for me to handle ..


See? You know exactly what you want.
He was doing it 6 years ago, in the first year of your marriage but is still doing it. It's hard to believe he will change now.

Fighting for his attention against all the women he's texting is the worst advice I ever heard. You said 'but for how long'. Exactly, for the rest of your life. It wouldn't work. That I'm sure of. Would you really want to live like that?

So first you need to get control of your emotions as you said. You sound very upset and anxious and you are having very dark thoughts.
I would encourage you to go back to your family and friends as @Diana7 said, as soon as is possible, because you badly need support on the ground. Go back to people who love you.
Is your country of origin very far away from the Netherlands?

TAM was a great help to me when I was going through the same.
Please keep posting on here for support.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rema-77 said:


> Cause I still have small bit of hope he would change ? and also because he made me think less of myself as a woman that I believe I won’t have someone else ..
> I get anxiety / pain just from the idea of leaving. I wasn’t weak like this before him.


This is called magical thinking or in this site we call it "hopium.' which is addictive. Look at the facts, he will not change.


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

We broke up months before the marriage because he wasn’t happy.
But then I found out that he was seeing another girl for 6 months but he told me it’s not because of her he is leaving it’s because he is not happy.

When he told me, I accepted it I didn’t argue .. I didn’t make a scene or anything I even drove him home. 
And that day once I got back to my apartment I couldn’t stop crying I was so down and weak.
I was falling apart cause I didn’t expect that.
Then couple of weeks after, he said he still wants us and he wasn’t thinking straight and he already left the other girl .. He said she didn’t mean anything to him and that With me he feels safe and grounded.
I believed him, got married couple of months af ter and then to find out it, he is flirting and sexting with other girls too. 

We discussed it, he showed remorse and guilt . He said he will stop but he didn’t !
Our sex life was not good but part of it cause I thought less of myself, I felt he didn’t like me physically that I’m not enough.

So, If I’m not his type, if I don’t appeal to him physically why is he still with me ? 
He has money, good job, we don’t have kids, he is not satisfied and he knows well, I’m a woman who will end things in a civilised way.

I have those thoughts that I will end up alone, that he will change after I leave that he will be a better man for another woman ..
That he will move on ..
I also feel injustice cause I helped and supported him to be where he is right now with work and generally in life and that is what I get back?!


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

I feel that I’m going all over the place here with my thoughts but I’m thinking out loud with you,

I feel he is kinda lost too or maybe he has 2 personalities I dunno, I could see it in his eyes like Sometime it’s this uncaring selfish childish man who is going after any woman or girl that comes his way who believes that men are not designed to stay with one woman .. like this how nature made them.
This guy who didn’t get to live his teenage years having sex with other girls and trying (I was his first with sex and I think even I was his first real relation) 
And this other person who wants to settle down, have normal life.. 

May be that’s me just trying to give excuses to myself for staying.

My friends say I am a difficult person cause I want perfect life, cause um seeking ideal relation that doesn’t exist .. That I don’t know how to deal with him and um not smart enough to win him. 
May be I’m black and white / right or wrong / 0&1 type and hence I argue and discuss small things that don’t meet my expectations but I still believe that It takes 2 to build relation so if I have my down sides, you should communicate and talk instead of escaping, taking the easy way. I also think that I was too loyal and too much available for him that he took me for granted so I’m partially responsible but that doesn’t excuse betraying me and disrespecting me like this.


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> @Rema-77
> You feel weak, not because you're weak, but cos you're being treated badly by him.
> You think less of yourself as a woman, not because you are less of a woman, but cos you're being treated badly by him.
> 
> ...


You dunno how much I appreciate what you wrote to me .. really thank you ! 
You are empowering me with your words.. I feel better about myself just reading your words !

I will keep posting cause I believe at this stage I need to untangle my thoughts, to see different angels and for support from people who feel and went through similar experience.

Thank you soo much


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Have you thought about going home to your family?


Yess but not at this point cause I believe and I see that I am lost..
They are in a different country and I need to plan this with work so not possible now.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Many people have 2 sides @Rema. But that is what makes up the whole person.
There really is no excuse for his behaviour, ask anyone.

He doesn't leave you because he's afraid to be alone. He has his fun with other women and comes home because it's 'safe'. It's almost like being his mother, not his wife. He's getting exactly what he wants. You are certainly not. He said he was sorry before etc. But he's done the same again. If you leave, he'll probably try to get you back and say he's sorry again. And you'll go back and it will happen again. Do you want to live the rest of your life like that? You know deep down he won't change. He's not going to change for any other woman either, believe me on that one.

Don't feel sorry for him when he has his 'lost' expression on.
I bet he doesn't look too 'lost' when he's chasing other women.

You're getting terrible advice from your friends.
'You're not smart enough to win him?' Love between two people doesn't work like that and you know it.
You don't know how to 'manage' him? Love doesn't work like that either.
'You're difficult because you want a perfect relationship?' That's not being difficult. Everyone wants a good loving relationship.
Are your friends in relationships where they have to do all that to keep their man? What a dreadful way to live ones life. You might as well be his servant.
They're making all this your fault and seem to not be blaming him at all.

This is NOT your fault.
You yourself said it might be your fault because you were too available and loyal.
Partners are supposed to be available and loyal to each other. That's what happens in a healthy relationship.

Do you think you can overcome your fear of being alone?
It's not as scary as it sounds. It's 1000 times better this.
Look at how miserable you are with your emotions all over the place.
Do you think the fear of being alone is what is stopping you leaving this time?
Because that is quite a normal way to feel too.

(Sorry just saw your latest post. Even if it isn't possible to go back home now, can you still leave him like you did before? ie you have a job, get your own place etc)


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Unless he has some sort of cognitive disability, he is absolutely NOT forgetting his promise to not cheat on you. He just doesn't care enough to stop.
> 
> You need to stop looking for excuses for his actions. He is cheating because he wants to.
> 
> ...


This...
And, don't be fooled...going from an emotional affair to a physical affair is very easy for them. Very easy. (Been there, lived that).

Be strong.
Be brave.
Know your worth.
Hugs.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

Rema-77 said:


> Yess but not at this point cause I believe and I see that I am lost..
> They are in a different country and I need to plan this with work so not possible now.


Don't make excuses for not taking action. We can all do it...make excuses.

Nothing changes if you don't change things.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Rema-77 
Keep checking in here. 
These TAM folks know what they're talking about. There are thousands of similar stories on here. 
As I said, I think that your friends are giving you terrible advice, as well as blaming you! and thus confusing you at a time when your emotions are making you very vulnerable. In fact you'd be better not to even listen to them.
Your gut instinct, i.e. your own mind knows exactly what you want and what to do. 
Plus, you did it before. 
Look after yourself.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Rema-77 said:


> I feel that I’m going all over the place here with my thoughts but I’m thinking out loud with you,
> 
> I feel he is kinda lost too or maybe he has 2 personalities I dunno, I could see it in his eyes like Sometime it’s this uncaring selfish childish man who is going after any woman or girl that comes his way who believes that men are not designed to stay with one woman .. like this how nature made them.
> This guy who didn’t get to live his teenage years having sex with other girls and trying (I was his first with sex and I think even I was his first real relation)
> ...


Gonna be blunt but your friends sound terrible. Nothing's wrong with having a set of standards you want in a relationship. You honestly want a healthy, fulfilling, reciprocal relationship. Otherwise, you end up with someone exactly like your husband. 

But never mind them or him. What will you do? Is this really the kind of marriage you want to stay in? Is there a plan you're working to get in place? I say it's time to start putting yourself first. Time to put your loyalty towards yourself.


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> Gonna be blunt but your friends sound terrible. Nothing's wrong with having a set of standards you want in a relationship. You honestly want a healthy, fulfilling, reciprocal relationship. Otherwise, you end up with someone exactly like your husband.
> 
> But never mind them or him. What will you do? Is this really the kind of marriage you want to stay in? Is there a plan you're working to get in place? I say it's time to start putting yourself first. Time to put your loyalty towards yourself.


They think um not young anymore (mid 30s) in a remote country so better to settle down. I come from eastern culture.
They think that not having kids kinda made him feel single or un-attached. But to be fair he didn’t discuss it too, he may be have mentioned it once or twice but just side conversations. 
They also think that I won’t be able to find a partner (I have some girls who are still single). They come from culture where woman is the main player in the relationship she takes care of the family, the kids , her man everything ..
That divorce makes u less of a woman, kinda used or damaged product sort of !
That, it’s the woman responsibility if her man is looking for others (maybe she is not enough, she is not taking care of her self or not satisfying his needs .. man is kinda spoiled and excused) 

I don’t agree but that’s how society is rooted sort of. And that’s what they keep repeating to you so you start to doubt your self.

Thank you for your words .. I need to sort out my situation and get my dependency not just financially but also emotionally.. he has been my focus and everything for long time that I forgot how it’s to live on my own !


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Rema-77 Picture *this*

"Dear Sir, I am writing to you to complain about the Husband 001 I bought some years ago. It seems that several of the modules have either ceased working or are only working intermittently.

In particular there are issues with the Loving Spouse Module and the Faithful Husband Module as neither of them are operating within their guaranteed parameters.

"And the Input/Output Module has developed a strange fault. It is capable of receiving information, but cannot process it in a timely manner, if at all. Sometimes it regurgitates the information but it has become garbled and distorted.

"It appears that other modules were included in error. I certainly did not order the following modules:- The Whining Brat (Adult version) Module, The Self-Justification Module and the Pity Party Module. These additional modules are on virtually all of the time.

"In short I am not happy with Husband 001 and want to return it for a full refund. I would, however, be interested at looking into exchanging Husband 001 for a upgraded version that I believe is available, Husband 002.

"Yours Truly,

@Rema-77"

If your husband was a house robot, you'd have part-exchanged him for a working model long, long ago.

Counselling might help, couples and individual, but divorce must also be an option for you as you deserve happiness.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rema-77 said:


> I feel that I’m going all over the place here with my thoughts but I’m thinking out loud with you,
> 
> I feel he is kinda lost too or maybe he has 2 personalities I dunno, I could see it in his eyes like Sometime it’s this uncaring selfish childish man who is going after any woman or girl that comes his way who believes that men are not designed to stay with one woman .. like this how nature made them.
> This guy who didn’t get to live his teenage years having sex with other girls and trying (I was his first with sex and I think even I was his first real relation)
> ...


No-one deserves to be treated this way. You should get a lawyer, cut your losses and leave him. You should be able to stay on in Europe and try and get yourself a good job. You are still very young and can still meet someone else, get married and have kids. You are the one going through this, who cares what the culture says.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t listen to them. That’s backward thinking.


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## initareed (9 mo ago)

Rema-77 said:


> I feel that I’m going all over the place here with my thoughts but I’m thinking out loud with you,
> 
> I feel he is kinda lost too or maybe he has 2 personalities I dunno, I could see it in his eyes like Sometime it’s this uncaring selfish childish man who is going after any woman or girl that comes his way who believes that men are not designed to stay with one woman .. like this how nature made them.
> This guy who didn’t get to live his teenage years having sex with other girls and trying (I was his first with sex and I think even I was his first real relation)
> ...


No offense, but your friends are ridiculous...don't listen to that crap.

You need to know your worth (we can all lose sight of it!)...we place too much value on those who harm us (afraid to lose them). We are a prize...if they don't realize it...someone else will.

What wayward partners fail to realize is that their betrayed partner can quite often fulfill that 10% that they think they are missing...if they invested in their betrayed partner what they invest in their affair partner, betrayeds would flourish. Even their children flourish. People do not know how adultery affects the children...


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Rema-77 said:


> Thank you for your words .. I need to sort out my situation and get my dependency not just financially but also emotionally.. he has been my focus and everything for long time that I forgot how it’s to live on my own !


It's great to read what you said above @Rema-77. 
You said you have known each other and been together for a very long time so yes, it will probably feel a bit strange. 
However, he has given you more than enough reasons over and over again to leave. 
Now you have a chance to choose a different kind of life while you are still young, and you are still very young. . . instead of spending it the way you are doing now, always being there for a man who treats you in that way. 
Hang in there and keep going with your plans. 
No looking back because you already know what that picture looks like.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You can't figure him out, because he isn't thinking like you would expect. He does it because he is a user. He is using you. It doesn't matter if he might change for someone else, because he's not changing to be with you. For one thing, he knows you won't give him trouble. You react quietly. You don't make things hard for him. You put up with him antics. You worked to help him get to this point in his life, but don't think you need to keep trying, because of all you've already put in. This is called a sunk cost fallacy. You have already sunk all this cost into him, you think you need to get a return. But there is no return. That's how users are. They use and use and use until either they die, you die, they get a better deal, or you leave. Do you want to do this until you die? 
You are worried about being alone? Would you rather stay with this user? Would you rather be with a user rather than giving yourself a chance to find someone who will actually love and support you as much as you love and support him? You can't even try if you are stuck in this toxic relationship. If you get out, you are free to at least try. 


Rema-77 said:


> My friends say I am a difficult person cause I want perfect life, cause um seeking ideal relation that doesn’t exist .. That I don’t know how to deal with him and um not smart enough to win him.


Your so called friends have no idea what they are talking about. This isn't about you not knowing how to win your man back. This is about your man being an unloving user. It's not you. It's him that has the problem. Stop listening to people who are trying to make you feel worse about yourself. With friends like that, who needs enemies!


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## Rema-77 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> It's great to read what you said above @Rema-77.
> You said you have known each other and been together for a very long time so yes, it will probably feel a bit strange.
> However, he has given you more than enough reasons over and over again to leave.
> Now you have a chance to choose a different kind of life while you are still young, and you are still very young. . . instead of spending it the way you are doing now, always being there for a man who treats you in that way.
> ...





********** said:


> It's great to read what you said above @Rema-77.
> You said you have known each other and been together for a very long time so yes, it will probably feel a bit strange.
> However, he has given you more than enough reasons over and over again to leave.
> Now you have a chance to choose a different kind of life while you are still young, and you are still very young. . . instead of spending it the way you are doing now, always being there for a man who treats you in that way.
> ...


My visa in this country is dependent on the marriage. I am as well dependent on him emotionally (silly me) 
I don’t know how & why I got myself this way.. I was determined independent girl ! Anyway.. so that’s why I need to work on me now.

I absolutely have no one here (I know some people but again I can’t depend on them they are just for a walk or lunch or maybe a game night)

I can tell he doesn’t care or he doesn’t want to put an effort or maybe I am taken for granted.

The funny thing is, we know a couple who are going through divorce now because of a similar situation, the guy was flirting / talking with other girls and got caught. He is taking the girl side and trying to support her and at night/ during the day he does the same thing with other women/ girls !!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

To become emotionally independent of him, you must stop blaming and criticising yourself which is what the little voice in your head is doing right now. You must answer it back and say, “No, this is not my fault, the blame is 100% his.” 
You may have to say it 100s of times, maybe more, but you will eventually believe it. That’s how human psychology works. It’s like trying to learn anything. We must practice over and over again until we know it, or in this case, until our mind fully believes it. Therapy will help too if it’s possible for you to get some. 

The situation is not helped by your friends blaming you and suggesting solutions that will not work. And you know deep down it will not work. 
This will make it more difficult to do the above i.e to to make your mind believe the truth of the situation i.e it’s not your fault, you kept your side of the bargain when you went back to him, but he did follow through on his promises. 

What’s important now is to focus your mental energy on getting out of this instead of beating yourself up which will keep you stuck. So: 

Is it possible for you to get your own visa? 

If you have to go back home, will your family support you? Or will they have the same attitude as your friends who are giving you the advice? Are your friends living where you are now? Or are they living back in your home country? 

That independent woman is still there as I said before. I also said before to keep posting on here where people will support you and see this for what it is because you need lots of support right now. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rema-77 said:


> My visa in this country is dependent on the marriage. I am as well dependent on him emotionally (silly me)
> I don’t know how & why I got myself this way.. I was determined independent girl ! Anyway.. so that’s why I need to work on me now.
> 
> I absolutely have no one here (I know some people but again I can’t depend on them they are just for a walk or lunch or maybe a game night)
> ...


You should try and get some counselling.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband is well aware of your immigration status, which empowers him further in the way he treats you. Are you working? It seems that you need to develop an escape plan to get out of there and to get healthy. Living with someone who is constantly betraying you is unhealthy for you. It's not sustainable long term.


Rema-77 said:


> The funny thing is, we know a couple who are going through divorce now because of a similar situation, the guy was flirting / talking with other girls and got caught. He is taking the girl side and trying to support her and at night/ during the day he does the same thing with other women/ girls !!


He is not taking their side. He is grooming them. He is seeking vulnerable women who he can prey upon. Your husband is a predator.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are you doing @Rema-77 ?


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