# I'm back... it's been almost 3 ... does it ever go away?



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

*I'm back... it's been almost 3 years ... does it ever go away?*

It is getting close to the 3 year mark since Dday, and the triggers are all around with great intensity.

So I am wondering if they will ever dissipate? We are still in R mode, things are going great (most days) and DH seems to be on track and doing all that I have expected but there are days and times when I look at him and I am still angry and hurt. This feeling works itself into my dreams and I wake up very angry …
certain things he does will trigger an immediate reaction and I have no control, I go into self-protection mode and shut him out - completely.

Don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't share the same space on earth as me. Just go away!!!

I would really like to hear from those of you who have had a successful R… please tell me it gets easier!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to be perfectly honest if you're still triggering this badly 3 years out I'd have to wonder if R was the right choice for you

2-5 year is the norm but at 3 years the triggers are usually just faint echoes

have you tried IC?


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> to be perfectly honest if you're still triggering this badly 3 years out I'd have to wonder if R was the right choice for you
> 
> 2-5 year is the norm but at 3 years the triggers are usually just faint echoes
> 
> have you tried IC?


Thought about it... but have not made any steps towards doing anything about it.

I was fine for awhile... over a year! But for some reasons these last few weeks, I've been thinking about it more and more...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> Thought about it... but have not made any steps towards doing anything about it.
> 
> I was fine for awhile... over a year! But for some reasons these last few weeks, I've been thinking about it more and more...



a few thoughts and questions-


has he done what is needed to do to help you heal? (transparency, isnt rugsweeping, etc)

I ask because if you were "okay" and now you aren't, maybe your gut is telling you something is amiss


I do still recommend IC, if the resurgence of anxiety has returned for no reason then you do need to work on that


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I suggest considering some IC it really does help. 

I am not experienced with r. Others on this site are I'm sure some may have helpful feedback for you. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

An IC has to have infidelity AND PTSD training and experience. You are trying to recover from massive trauma. Get help.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I tried R twice and left after betrayal #3. I am happily remarried and still have triggering events.

Point being, these can last a lifetime. I agree about counseling. Gotta learn to cope.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I triggered the entire 30 years I was in R. I don't now that I'm divorced. Indifference is a wonderful thing (didn't get that until after the divorce though). 

You definitely need IC. Recovery from an affair is not easy so don't be hard on yourself that you are still having bad days. That's to be expected.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

3 years is a long time to be triggering... It seems to me that if you are still dealing with it as frequently as it sounds, you haven't really internally dealt with it. 

+1 for IC... 

Sometimes dealing with the crap inside of us makes us realize that we aren't on the path that we can live with, and other times it gives us the strength to learn how to navigate that path. 

Whatever you ultimately decide... I wish you well. R seems so much harder to me that D... I'm one that just doesn't have it in me to R.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

+1 for IC


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

I will definitely take another look into IC.

I think my problem stems from I didn't ask enough questions 3 years ago. There are still a lot of unanswered questions.

Of course when referring to full disclosure and full transparency, I firmly believe you can never know if you receive 100% of what you are looking for. You have to 'trust' that they gave you all the information you are requesting but being that I am not with him 24/7 who really knows.

As far as my unanswered questions I keep waiting for the 'right time' to ask them.

DH has been trying, I can see it. And on most days I can feel it, but there are days where I keep filling in the blanks and I either need to let it go or find the 'best time' not the 'right time' to get my questions answered.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> I think my problem stems from I didn't ask enough questions 3 years ago. There are still a lot of unanswered questions.
> 
> Of course when referring to full disclosure and full transparency, I firmly believe you can never know if you receive 100% of what you are looking for. You have to 'trust' that they gave you all the information you are requesting but being that I am not with him 24/7 who really knows.
> 
> As far as my unanswered questions I keep waiting for the 'right time' to ask them.


Ridiculous. 

Based on these comments alone you never should of R'd to begin with. You let this person rug sweep a big chunk of the affair and now you have to live with the "elephant in the room" so to speak while WS gets off with a slap on the wrist.

The right time is NOW. Why you'd want to put up with this self-inflicted limbo is beyond me. They give you 100% or you divorce them. It's that simple. When a WS trickle truths you, it's just ANOTHER form of selfishness. The biggest obstacle to ending this nightmare is YOU. Get up the courage to demand transparency or walk away.

Sure didn't feel like it at the time but the BEST thing I ever did was dump my ho-bag ex. Don't fear the unknown.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.......I'm close to 20 yrs from d-day .....and I still get triggers. I'm not so sure that there is any time limit to erasure of something that causes triggers. I have been blessed / cursed with a photographic memory ....so something that may seemingly be an obscure triggering reminder to one person .....may be fresh and clear in another's mind.

....I too ...never had all my questions answered ...so that could be a reason I dwell on things that should be long gone in the past, and on some back shelf.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

BetrayedDad.... how can one ever know with certainty that the WS has given 100% disclosure/transparency.

A question can be asked and answered and I will never know if there is more to it or not. I either believe him or not that is all I can do.

As far as transparency, I have access to his phone, email, FB etc. accounts, but I am not here sitting watching and reviewing everything 24/7, so if he wanted to, he could create other accounts I am not aware of and still have inappropriate conversations. Therefore I either trust him or I don't.

I am pretty tech savvy, key loggers for his tablet, computer and phone would be one way I know. But at some point I would have to decide if I wanted to live my life always checking behind him or I can decide he has proven he is trustworthy.

He has changed, in many ways, and it is not much of anything I am suspicious of what he is doing now, but I believe more of I have too blanks left to fill. 

You are right, I need to ask those questions and push until I believe I have the answers I need, however hard they might be to hear.

Right now for me, after almost 29 years of marriage (31 years total being together), I think D may be easier but not necessarily the right thing to do. I could change my mind, but I am not ready to consider it. 

I am just ready for the feelings to go away and stay away.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> *I think my problem stems from I didn't ask enough questions 3 years ago. There are still a lot of unanswered questions.*



You say you have unanswered questions. You are waiting for the "right time" to discuss them. I agree with you it is impossible to know if they have told you everything. But it sounds to me like he is refusing to give you the truth and clarity you are looking for. This is not the type of foundation a sincere R is built on. Your feelings of resentment will never go away if you feel like he is withholding information from you. 30 years is a long time to be with someone... but so is living with this kind of pain for the next 30 years. 

I'm just telling you, you do NOT have to accept things as they are. If you will not consider D what possible incentive does he have to tell you the truth? If you knew the truth then maybe he figures you may leave. Right now, he knows you will accept the situation as is so it's almost better for him to not tell you. That's the position YOU have put yourself in. You don't even know what you forgave, when you decided to R.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'd think after 3 years it would 'dull down'. 5 years out here and I still trigger. But it passes quickly. Maybe you are fighting it? I found what helps is accepting it as a trigger, why it is a trigger, and allow the emotions to wash over me like a wave. I tell myself not to dwell on it because there really isn't some new insight I haven't already rolled around in my head a billion different ways... so it has no value to continue to think about it any more.

Also look into various methods to self-soothe. Mediation, stress relief techniques, etc. and you just sort of automatically start doing that as the trigger hits. Helps it pass quicker.

What makes it harder for me is fighting it. Like getting mad that I have to deal with this sh#!. It just is. Accept that emotional wave without fighting back as something normal now. Sucks, but dwelling about how sucky it is won't change it. 

And if it's something your WS is doing, tell them. Assuming remorse, they'll stop doing that or talk you through it so it isn't as trigger and you'll see it differently. Often, it's those little things like my wife carrying her cellphone into the bathroom with her. When I told her I'd trigger seeing her disappear with the phone, she stopped doing it and leaves it in the charging cradle when not being used.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm 3.25 years out and in R.

I think I've had 1-2 triggers in the last 6 months. I can live with that. One was minor and one was intense (but resolved quickly).

I disagree that if you are still having triggers after 3 years you should give up. IC is good advice. If that doesn't work, then re-evaluate.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

IC helped me a great deal I am 3 years in as well. I still find myself getting a little up tight around D day and wedding anniversary. I think it goes with the R

I only started talking with my wife this year about those moments. It helps now that I can talk openly with her about my anxiety


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I still trigger frequently 13 years later and currently dealing with terrible anxiety from the stress of it. In my experience it never goes away and I wish I never reconciled, it was the wrong decision.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has your H ever written a timeline of his A for you?

I would hope that was finished shortly after Dday.

If not, no time like now for him to give you the information that you need.

Has your H ever read about the pain that you have and how his A hurt you? 

Did you ever go to MC?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my experience, your subconscious is probably trying to tell you something. At nearly 3 years into R I was still triggering like mad. So, our new MC told me that something just wasn't right and recommended a polygraph. Sure enough, I got the pre-poly confession of long-term serial cheating. My MC, and my own gut, were right. 

I'm not saying I think your husband is a serial cheater, but it's obvious that you have lingering doubts that will have to be addressed in order for you and your marriage to have a chance at healing. I really would suggest that you put that keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone - without letting him know. I get that you don't want to be policing him forever, but at this point I think you need that information. You need to see that he's, hopefully, up to nothing much in order to help you build back some trust. Right now, all you have is the word of a confirmed liar, and it's just not enough. Monitor him covertly until you get bored because there's nothing to find. 

Tell him you're still struggling with R, get into IC for yourself and MC with him. You cannot remain in this terrible limbo forever. Take some steps to either resolve your lingering doubts or end this painful marriage. Living at this level of anxiety and stress for the rest of your life really isn't a viable option.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

harrybrown: No he hasn't written anything down, but I know the timeline, there was an obvious change in his behavior when it started and an even more obvious one when it was over.

I had suspicions all along the way but didn't really care if it was true. We had become roommates and we were literally just waiting for the last child to graduate high school before we made any big changes.

Two days before our 25th wedding anniversary, I get an anonymous FB message confirming what I already suspected.

She was a woman scorned so she felt it best to unload the details, of course with total disregard to the collateral damage afterwards.

As far as has he ever read about the pain he inflected, not sure, I have shared but have no idea if he ever read it through to the end.

We had about 8 years of marital problems and this was just icing on the cake.

No MC or IC has taken place but I believe at least IC may be necessary for me. Unfortunately, he was a counselor for close to 10 years and getting him to go, just isn't going to happen.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> No MC or IC has taken place but I believe at least IC may be necessary for me. Unfortunately, he was a counselor for close to 10 years and getting him to go, just isn't going to happen.


Let me tell you what is inherently wrong with this statement. 

It implies he should actually get a choice of whether he should attend MC. YOU are the victim of his infidelity yet HE gets to choose what methods he wishes to partake in to help heal you? Why do you continue to let him dictate the terms of you granting R? R is a gift to him he should cherish. You give him that kind of power then you wonder why you are in pain.

The bottom line is you have to risk losing the marriage to save it. You should of told him, "either you attend MC with me or we file D, take your pick". Why does he even have a say in the matter? He should be groveling at your feet willing to do whatever you ask. He doesn't even sound really remorseful.

You need to seriously step it up... You rugswept this whole affair and the pain will not go away until you both truely deal with it. It's that simple. Good Luck with everything. Sorry you're in this situation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> I had suspicions all along the way but didn't really care if it was true. We had become roommates and we were literally just waiting for the last child to graduate high school before we made any big changes.


May I ask why you are even in R? You were both just biding your time until you could end the marriage. You didn't really care if it were true that he was having an affair. At least, not until you were confronted directly with it. You've both rugswept the whole thing. 

Why do you want to R with him? Why does he want to R with you? Is it wounded pride, security, inertia, co-dependence, what?


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Rowan said:


> May I ask why you are even in R? You were both just biding your time until you could end the marriage. You didn't really care if it were true that he was having an affair. At least, not until you were confronted directly with it. You've both rugswept the whole thing.
> 
> Why do you want to R with him? Why does he want to R with you? Is it wounded pride, security, inertia, co-dependence, what?


Rowan: Although now I say I didn't care but I did at the time. We both thought the marriage was over. We just thought it at different times. If we had been there at the same time, it would have been. I had told him our entire married life that I could probably handle just about anything but abuse or infidelity. I have surprised myself that I even considered R.

The reason for R is simply because we do really love each other and now 3 years later we are in a much better place. We communicate more now than we ever have, transparency is abundant, and with the exception of MC he is trying to make amends and is showing true remorse in many ways.

R is the best thing for us. We talk about *OUR* future and are excited about what lies ahead. For years we couldn't see passed what was going on in the moment and we didn't see the other one in our future.

During this 3 yr. period we have had many life changing and life challenging events happen that made us realize we should be together. Two unexpected deaths (my dad and his), one 3 yr. long health struggle ending with the loss of my sister, date rape of college-age daughter, resulting in pregnancy. Cancer and chemo in my mother. The list could go on. We are the foundation, although we have cracks we are still repairable.

I have issues and I don't know that he won't answer those questions I have, I just haven't asked them. MC maybe something to look at in the future as I get through these steps that I need to do on my own. I am really just more focused on myself, I am being a little selfish and am healing - spiritually, physically and working on emotionally. However, I am not going into this with blinders on, I have a back-up plan that if I ever get to the point where I can't deal and I want out, I will have what I need to do so.

D was put on the table, we were estranged for months, but realized we both wanted to stay in the marriage, not as it was but as what it could/should be. Therefore we are working it all out. It took years for us to get to point where we were prior to his PA and I realize it will take years to get passed. (not over it, just passed it, we must keep it as part of who we are now as a married couple so as not to allow ourselves to ever even get to the doorstep of where we were).

Triggers may actually simply be reminders to myself that I have unresolved issues that will keep the R from being 100% successful.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just take a deep breath honey and ask those questions that need to be asked...... Then wait!


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> I will definitely take another look into IC.
> 
> I think my problem stems from I didn't ask enough questions 3 years ago. There are still a lot of unanswered questions.
> 
> ...


sit him down...ask the questions....get what you need to try and move past. 

im 7+ yrs in R and i also didn't ask any questions (or very few) at DDay. it led to a festering wound that would not heal.

be very clear in what you need/want from him....boundaries...have you explained triggers to him? my wife had no idea what tiggers were (neither did i for a long time). after explaining them to her; she started helping to avoid any situation that may cause me uncomfortableness/trigger. 

WS have no idea the pain and damage they've caused......unless you try to explain it to them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This book should be required reading for every wayward spouse, and especially for those looking to reconcile...

Amazon.com - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> This book should be required reading for every wayward spouse, and especially for those looking to reconcile...
> 
> Amazon.com - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald


here's a solid link:

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> This book should be required reading for every wayward spouse, and especially for those looking to reconcile...
> 
> Amazon.com - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald


I bought that one week after Dday. It absolutely helped me to help Dig. Great suggestion!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

StuckInAL said:


> here's a solid link:
> 
> http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf


I have downloaded and will read it as well as pass along to DH not sure if it should be before or after upcoming talk.

He has done so many nice things for me here of late and I don't want it to seem as though I haven't appreciated them all.

Just not sure regarding timing but I will finally ask those questions that I have always lingering.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> I have downloaded and will read it as well as pass along to DH not sure if it should be before or after upcoming talk.
> 
> He has done so many nice things for me here of late and I don't want it to seem as though I haven't appreciated them all.
> 
> Just not sure regarding timing but I will finally ask those questions that I have always lingering.


If you feel like there is something missing from your reconciliation... that there's something additional that you need to see from him in terms of understanding exactly how and the degree to which his infidelity has impacted you, give him the book, and ask him to read it.

If he's truly committed to you and to the healthy reconciliation of your marriage, he won't mind reading it at all. I had Mrs. Gus read it a while back, and it helped the both of us to turn a huge corner.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> If you feel like there is something missing from your reconciliation... that there's something additional that you need to see from him in terms of understanding exactly how and the degree to which his infidelity has impacted you, give him the book, and ask him to read it.
> 
> If he's truly committed to you and to the healthy reconciliation of your marriage, he won't mind reading it at all. I had Mrs. Gus read it a while back, and it helped the both of us to turn a huge corner.


I truly believe we are both sincere in our wanting to R and I am sure when I bring some of my questions/concerns up he will feel blindsided. It has not been intentional. I am the type of person that deals with a lot before ever getting to a point before I speak up or speak out.

I have a very high tolerance for many things but when I am done I am done and when I am at my breaking point, watch out. It hasn't happened often in the last 30 years but he does know me well enough to know that if I do say something and/or speak up it must be important to me and he takes it very seriously.

I don't have any doubts the R is the right thing for us and that we are on the right path/road. I guess I just still have so many unanswered questions that is keeping me from embracing where we are in our R.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> I truly believe we are both sincere in our wanting to R and *I am sure when I bring some of my questions/concerns up he will feel blindsided.* It has not been intentional. I am the type of person that deals with a lot before ever getting to a point before I speak up or speak out.


I've been guilty of this myself. Mrs. Gus has brought this to my attention, so what I try to do these days is to kick off the discussion w/ a rather gently-spoken "Sweetie, there's something that I'd like to talk about...", or something along those lines.

Mrs. Gus mentioned to me not too long ago that, when I fail to do this (ease into these conversations), she finds herself immediately gripped by sheer panic, and then she starts to think along the lines of "Oh sh*t, this is it... we're about to divorce." I mean... I guess it's good (in a way) that she realizes how deeply her infidelity devastated me, but I don't want her to be in that frame of mind every time that we discuss it. To wish that upon her, having committed myself to the reconciliation of our marriage, would be nothing short of cruel.



InRecoveryInNC said:


> I have a very high tolerance for many things but when I am done I am done and when I am at my breaking point, watch out. It hasn't happened often in the last 30 years but *he does know me well enough to know that if I do say speak up it must be important to me and he takes it very seriously.*


That's good. Just don't let yourself get to a breaking point before you speak up. That's been a hard lesson for me to learn.



InRecoveryInNC said:


> I don't have any doubts the R is the right thing for us and that we are on the right path/road. I guess I just still have so many unanswered questions that is keeping me from embracing where we are in our R.


Don't be afraid to ask your questions. If you have to, write them down so that you can keep track of your thoughts and don't forget them.

Do you use a smartphone? If so, maybe use the voice recorder app to record mental notes throughout the day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does it get better? Yes, eventually.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Does it get better? Yes, eventually.


Glad to hear it... not looking for a magical date or timeframe, just looking toward hoping this won't last forever...


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

InRecoveryInNC said:


> I am just ready for the feelings to go away and stay away.


Unfortunately, while those feelings will fade away, they will never completely go away. There are posters here who have reconciled and have been together a long time, and they'll say while they forgive, that will never forget.

Of course you say those feelings are still strong, I think the best you can hope for is while you may still feel them, you're able to brush them aside and not focus on them.

I think the reason why the feelings are still so strong is that you know in your gut you don't have all the answers you're looking for.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I also am 3 years out and still trigger, expect I always will until my memory goes. 

There is a difference between a trigger and a gut feeling. I think triggers can come and go even without there being anything more to resolve. Its just the nature of the beast: the collateral damage, the lingering evidence of how deep a betrayal infidelity is. But a gut feeling or instinct that something is not right should be investigated. The biggest lesson I learned from discovery of my FWH's affairs is to *trust my gut first* rather than another person no matter what the situation is. Its important to identify whether the pain is from a trigger or from a warning instinct. The mind may lie, but never the gut.

I agree with "leaning into the pain" when a trigger arises. Let the emotion wash over you and then actively help it to dissipate by identifying it: anger, fear, insecurity, resentment? and realize you just experienced the phenomenon of "time travel". Analyze it. You felt the justifiable emotions of the past associated with a present day trigger. Now take that "time travel" one step further, visualize and feel the emotions that can be experienced in the future goals you are reaching for with your FWS: security, fulfillment, contentment, joy. Yes, the past was painful, but you are here now. Through consistent distraction, positive thoughts and analysis, you disassociate the pain with the trigger and hopefully they become a fairly indifferent memory. But realize, you will always remember. 

It does sounds like you have serious unresolved questions that must be addressed for you to heal. Consider carefully what you hope to gain by asking; consider the worse case scenario from knowing the truth if he complies and answers; consider first what the ultimate deal breaker is for you. Perhaps writing them down in a letter, handing them to him along with all the deeply felt feelings you have expressed here and standing by as he reads it may be an approach you might try. If he rugsweeps your concerns than an ultimatum may be in order. But you deserve and must have the answers to those questions that are really about your life and identity too. How else would you know who your H really was and is and what you must accept in order to recreate your marriage and life? 

Take courage: this labor will be difficult and painful, but hopefully it will birth a new beginning based on honesty and true concern for one another. Good luck.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I would recommend getting a hard copy of Linda MacDonald's book, and you read it first - highlight the phrases and sentences that resonate for you, THEN give it to him. Asking him to read the highlighted parts can really make a huge difference, and then when you start to ask the questions you've been holding back, it will be much easier - for both of you. Because this book helps unfaithful spouses to finally "get it." Most of them don't. It's not their fault, really - most people don't "get" what we go through. Most of us wouldn't have had any idea what it feels like to be traumatized in this way, until it happened to us.

In R, you need his sincere remorse and empathy and active help to truly heal. And doing it without the assistance of a skilled MC is next to impossible. You two are trying to do something most people can't do: heal a marriage as well as bring healing to a betrayed spouse without good professional help. VERY tough to do!

I recommend the National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists for help in finding a good one, though you do have to read the bios to make sure they have experience in working with infidelity. Their website:

Marriage Friendly Therapists


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