# How do you deal with a wife that did things with the other man but not me?



## jakkob (Jun 30, 2020)

My wife cheated on me 18 months ago. I only found out because of the pictures that her lover sent me. They had a fight and he decided to contact me to tell me everything. He sent me pictures that I'm still struggling to get out of my head. He got Blow Js from her and sent me pictures of him finishing on her face. He sent a picture of him with his P in her A. Sorry but I'm trying not to get graphic. We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her. She was sorry and we decided to make it work for our kids sake.

I feel that she is sorry and she has done everything to prove that she will not do this anymore. My main issue is that they did things that she never did to me. She used to give Blow Js but over time, she stopped. She always gave excuses and I never pushed her. I've never put it in her A before. She never asked me to and I never tried. How can she do all these things with him willingly? We have sex now but I feel like I can't satisfy her. After almost 2 years, I still can't process how she can let him finish on her but not even give me a BJ. It triggers me every time I see or hear about someone going down on someone. I also can't get that picture of him finishing on her face out of my head. How long until these thoughts are gone? How can I move past this and get my sanity back?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What do you do?
Well you could divorce her cheating ass for a start.
Remember she got caught, she never owned up and then the god squad convinced you to forgive her.
And she was quite happy to have her picture taken while she was having monkey sex with her boyfriend while you get breadcrumbs. 
Doesn’t sound like remorse to me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You are not healthy and this isn't a healthy reconciliation.

What did she say when you asked her these questions?

Why did she cheat?

Is the other man still around?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This topic comes up a fair amount. It’s usually around two different circumstances. The first is when the husband finds out years down the marriage road from some outside source that she used to be fun and adventurous but now she is a dead fish with him ..... and second is your situation.
Seems like I remember them saying that it last for an agonizingly long time and then there are the ones that never get over it. 
It’s called “mind movies”


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> How do you deal with a wife that did things with the other man but not me?


You don't. You send her packing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her.


Why? Did she actually ask for forgiveness? Did she mean it?


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## jakkob (Jun 30, 2020)

I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.


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## paboy (May 27, 2020)

Have you been to IC(individual counselling). Thats a good place to start, if you haven't already. Unfortunately, infidelity is the scenario that keeps giving.... There was one posting that I have read that found success with a PTSD counsellor. This helped him get over the mind movies.

With any counselling, unless they are experienced in dealing with infidelity, their main objective is to keep the couple together. Forgive so to speak.

Apart from the aftermath of the affair, where are you emotionally with the relationship? Are you looking for answers to just these issues, and have committed to reconcile? Are you reevaluating whether this is what you want to do? 

Why did you reconcile? 

She needs to go to IC too. Figure out her whys..

You may have inadvertently rug sweep this affair. Get into IC and start resolving your hurts, and for her, her whys..

That's a good start.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask yourself if you really want to do those things. Has she said why she participated in things she had never shared with you?

Reconciling would be easier - on whom? Her, the kids and your church - basically everyone but the one who was wronged.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

jakkob said:


> My wife cheated on me 18 months ago. I only found out because of the pictures that her lover sent me. They had a fight and he decided to contact me to tell me everything. He sent me pictures that I'm still struggling to get out of my head. He got Blow Js from her and sent me pictures of him finishing on her face. He sent a picture of him with his P in her A. Sorry but I'm trying not to get graphic. We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her. She was sorry and we decided to make it work for our kids sake.
> 
> I feel that she is sorry and she has done everything to prove that she will not do this anymore. My main issue is that they did things that she never did to me. She used to give Blow Js but over time, she stopped. She always gave excuses and I never pushed her. I've never put it in her A before. She never asked me to and I never tried. How can she do all these things with him willingly? We have sex now but I feel like I can't satisfy her. After almost 2 years, I still can't process how she can let him finish on her but not even give me a BJ. It triggers me every time I see or hear about someone going down on someone. I also can't get that picture of him finishing on her face out of my head. How long until these thoughts are gone? How can I move past this and get my sanity back?


You cannot.
You shouldn't take her back.
Forgive?
Sure.
Stay married to?
Absolutely not.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jakkob said:


> She admitted to being bored in our marriage


And here is your answer. She was bored. He turned her on, in a highly aroused uninhibited state she did things she doesn't do with you, that simple.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I swear, churches are just the worst in these situations. We see it time and time again....they end up blaming the cheated on spouse for not getting over it and they defend the cheater. It's unfathomable to me.

Ohhhhh, she's refoooormed....she'll never do it agaaaaainn. Give me a break. She murdered your marriage. Her. Not you. You'll never satisfy her and you'll never get over the images. You are much better off divorcing in this situation.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You just described what is called a rugsweep.
You haven't processed what happened (Recovery is usually a 3-5 year process with two dedicated people working hard at it.)
If you sincerely want to be with her, she needs some intense IC to fix her malfunctions. You probably need some as well to deal with your pain. After this, if there is any desire to stay together, some MC is in order.
Her excuse was she was bored? So what? You were in the same boring marriage as her. Did you cheat?
To answer your question, you gave her the gift of a second chance.
IMO, she should be giving you everything she gave him and more. She should be rocking your world. She should be remorseful, and should be demonstrating her appreciation to you everyday, both through words and deeds.
She isn't? Send her back to Studly, and divorce her cold and hard.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The thing that always come to my mind about these situations is that when the man forgives and rug sweeps it that it creates the exact opposite of attraction out of her. It’s just not the way to be a strong man. Even worse yet is the fact that they have “the church” tell them what to do. It’s like a double punch of not taking your own “as a man” choice how to live your own life.
I’ve never been in your situation but to me I don’t think you have handled it in a manner that creates desire/attraction


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

jakkob said:


> She admitted to being bored in our marriage and *he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.*


Nope.

The lack of decent sex sucks, but it's not your first priority, it's the false reconciliation that should be dealt with first.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

jakkob, she's sorry because she got caught. That is not true remorse. Remember Occam's razor: The simplest explanation is the nest.
To be clear, she did things with her POSOM she didn't do with you because she loved (loves) him more than you! From what you've posted, I'd bet she would still be with him 
if she handn't gotten caught. Adultery is justification for divorce in Christian theology.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@jakkob - you forgot another thing she did with him that she didn't with you - make hardcore porn. 

Which he still has. And that porn will almost certainly be shared with the entire world via the internet. 

A few more things:

She is sorry. That she got caught. 
She has not been completely transparent 
You may be centered in your church, she is self-centered.
How certain are you that her shenanigans are over? 
Don't be surprised if this wasn't her first rodeo outside your marriage. Facials, anal, and homemade porn - that's pretty hardcore.
Seems like you sacrificed a lot. What has she sacrificed for your healing?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jakkob said:


> My wife cheated on me 18 months ago. I only found out because of the pictures that her lover sent me. They had a fight and he decided to contact me to tell me everything. He sent me pictures that I'm still struggling to get out of my head. He got Blow Js from her and sent me pictures of him finishing on her face. He sent a picture of him with his P in her A. Sorry but I'm trying not to get graphic. We went to counseling at our church and I forgave her. She was sorry and we decided to make it work for our kids sake.
> 
> I feel that she is sorry and she has done everything to prove that she will not do this anymore. My main issue is that they did things that she never did to me. She used to give Blow Js but over time, she stopped. She always gave excuses and I never pushed her. I've never put it in her A before. She never asked me to and I never tried. How can she do all these things with him willingly? We have sex now but I feel like I can't satisfy her. After almost 2 years, I still can't process how she can let him finish on her but not even give me a BJ. It triggers me every time I see or hear about someone going down on someone. I also can't get that picture of him finishing on her face out of my head. How long until these thoughts are gone? How can I move past this and get my sanity back?


@jakkob this is a common feature of affair sex. Sadly.

Have you had counselling from a professional qualified counsellor trained in dealing with PTSD? If not, I think you should.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Why do I get the feeling that you don't go down on your wife? Two things give me that feeling. One is that she quit going down on you, when, ordinarily, a person doesn't just stop doing that out of the blue for no reason. While there are women who don't like it and prefer not to have to do it, they still do it if no other reason than to reciprocate their partner's thoughtfulness. It's hard to imagine she allows you to go down on her but suddenly stopped reciprocating never to do it again. Surely she would do it occasionally even if sparsed occasions. But generally, a woman who doesn't receive oral gratification doesn't want to give oral gratification because it makes her feel used and also makes her feel less valued, like she isn't worth much to her man since he doesn't take care of her needs in that manner. And that's not to mention it makes her wonder if there is something wrong with her or something about her that repulses him, which also makes her feel terrible.

The other thing that gives me that feeling is that you never pushed her about stopping. What guy wouldn't question that unless he doesn't do it for her either? What guy doesn't ask for a BJ at least now and then unless he doesn't feel he has the right to ask for it since he doesn't do it?

Regarding her doing anal with him, maybe she doesn't feel you are adventurous. Perhaps that's part of the reason she said she was bored. You never tried, and she never asked, but that doesn't mean she was not curious. Maybe she wanted to try and hoped you would initiate. Many women are reticent to show their adventurous side and their curiosity, but they are willing to venture when the man introduces those acts into the session. So it becomes much less of a question of why she did that with him but not with you and more of a question of why you never tried. She didn't with you because that act was never introduced. That does not mean she doesn't love you, nor does it mean she loves him.

Well, you asked these questions, so I'm just trying to offer some possible answers based on my experience as a woman. However, my attempt to satisfy your curiosity does not in any way excuse her decision to cheat on you.

But here's the part that just might sting a little bit: I'm thinking it's possible your wife was basically unsatisfied sexually, so her willingness to have an affair and experiment with him were prompted by a need to discover what was missing in her sex life. I know that's what happened to me when I was married as a young teenager. My husband at the time did try to satisfy me, but neither of us knew how to do that. We were both too inexperienced. Neither of us knew my body and what I needed sexually. For example, he would go down on me but he didn't know how to do it properly, so it was really just annoying, despite his fervent efforts. I didn't know exactly what it was that I was missing. I only knew I was missing something. I knew I had made a mistake in marrying him, and there were several reasons that I wanted to leave, but I wouldn't have left except that I needed the freedom to experiment with other partners and find sexual satisfaction. Feeling like sex was just for his satisfaction and the purpose of my birth was to service him was a terrible feeling. I began to resent him and not want to have sex with him. What was the point? There was nothing in it for me. It was all about him and just for him. That made me feel awful, worthless, and used.

Of course, I could be wrong, and the two of you enjoy a mindblowing sex life. But just in case I'm right, it may behoove you to find out and embark on a journey of discovering your wife's sexual needs. You can begin by reading *my response here* and doing the things I suggest. You can learn more from internet articles (not pornography) and books you can borrow from the library. Perhaps you already do all these things but if not, they are worth trying to add to your sex life. I would never have known any of this if I had stayed with my first husband. I hope your wife never has to feel that way.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

jakkob said:


> I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.



Honestly if she was that Christian she won’t offered any more than she offered you...I’m sorry you may buy that crap from her but I can that total bs...ask this then would it be alright for you to level the playing field tell that she is boring in bed and would be okay for him to meet a woman who would do those things for you.....like I say you are being hosed...you wife is a hypocrite


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

has your WW refused to do the things with/ for you that she did with the OM?
do you want to do those things with your WW?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

jakkob said:


> I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.


Ah, the old "I'm bored" defense. Send her packing!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Divorce.

Why do you expect it to get any easier?

No saving that.

Why would you want to. She is not the only women in the world, and she is not a very nice one at that.

Oh and get another Church, yours is not based in scripture it's more about appearances.

Also I suspect you have no idea about your wife's sexual past or even her sexual life in your marriage, this may not be her first rodeo. I would bet money that your wife is a total phony and is presenting herself like someone who just lost her mind, but was really always a chased Christian girl. Don't believe it, she is the woman on those tapes. Christian girls don't get videotaped like porn stars after a lifetime of living a chased life just because they are bored. Doesn't happen. They may have affairs but not all out porn star affairs.

People who cheat like this usually have serious sexual issues, it's not the type of sex it's the type of sex with someone other then your spouse that seems completely out of character. It shows they are hiding who they really are from their spouse, the person who most healthy people understand to be their primary sexual partner and who they should be most open with. I'm telling you. You have NO IDEA who your wife is but she is not at all who she presents herself to be. By the way if she wanted to have wild kinky video taped porn star sex with her husband as a Christian that's great, and what God wants for both of you. She didn't.

Look I am going to be real honest with you something the church won't. First of all forgiveness doesn't mean staying, never did. And it certainly doesn't mean suffering. In the old testament your wife would be stoned to death and you wouldn't even have a choice to stay, forgive or not. There are biblical grounds for divorce here. I don't believe for a minute that a loving God would expect you to stay in a situation that before Christ (and the new covenant) he didn't even give you a choice to stay in. The bible specifically warns against an adulterous women says she leads to death and I think it's safe to apply that to adulteress men too by the way.

Most of the Church is so wrong on this it's almost heresy, the verses in question - Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9 (it's in there twice so as to leave no doubt), it doesn't say adultery is grounds for divorce it says sexual immorality. You know why? Because when Jesus said that he was still under the old law so when he was saying it there was no need to mention divorce for adultery because he expected if your spouse committed adultery they were put to death. You didn't get a choice you were a widow free to move on. He didn't say it because under God's law it wasn't possible to stay married to a cheater and God commanded it so whether you wanted to or not. So basically in my mind he was adding a very broad out for sexual sin because God is a loving God and he knows that most of the time your spouse betraying you sexually adultery or not is really hard to live with. If you are a Christian then you must believe that that is God's command, remember same yesterday, today and forever right?

Yes God hates divorce, but he puts to death those who commit adultery. You are free to go without any guilt my friend.

Now if you absolutely refuse to divorce, no one says you have to live with her. It's not a sin to not live under the same roof. Then you can see her as often as you can stand, and it's easier without the trigger next to you all the time. Beside I bet it will have the other benefit of her going all out sexually and in other ways to get you back. Your wife seems like the type of women who uses her sexual nature like a kind of currency. Finally if she divorces you then she was the one who did it not you. This is the same advice I give to married Christian's in abusive relationships who refuse to divorce for fear of sinning. You don't have to live with them or even see them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Please see an IC, preferably not one linked to your church. I am a Christian but I think sometimes churches and their patrons do more harm than good are far to quick to rug sweep and be judgemental. Work on yourself first and get help. If in the future you cannot get over this, the best way may be to divorce her.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I get the feeling that nobody read the part where he said he never asked for or tried those things with her.
As for the part about “she never asked for that”......there is a lot for you to learn in that part.... A LOT.
A WOMAN WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO TO HER....AND SHE DANG SURE DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU THE “YES OR NO” PERMISSION. A WOMAN WILL RISE TO A PERFORMANCE LEVEL THAT A MAN AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES OF HER....IT IS NOT A PERMISSION OR ASKING THING.
Public Notice: I do not condone the cheating.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Are you mormon?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> I get the feeling that nobody read the part where he said he never asked for or tried those things with her.
> As for the part about “she never asked for that”......there is a lot for you to learn in that part.... A LOT.
> A WOMAN WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO TO HER....AND SHE DANG SURE DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU THE “YES OR NO” PERMISSION. A WOMAN WILL RISE TO A PERFORMANCE LEVEL THAT A MAN AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES OF HER....IT IS NOT A PERMISSION OR ASKING THING.
> Public Notice: I do not condone the cheating.


So what, at this point the point is she did them with someone else, videotaped them and he has now seen them. Now is no the time for leaning a lesson, maybe for the next wife.

Besides that I think it just as likely she didn't ask for that because she has the female version of the Madonna-***** complex meaning she plays the role good christian wife at home but is really a wild thing with men she would never marry. Why is it always assumed that it's the guys fault kinky sex doesn't happen, lots of guys are just as capable of reading body language and knowing there wife is subtly telling them there is not a chance so don't even ask. It's just as likely and maybe even more so that she presented like she would never even think of doing these things whenever they were sexual.

It's really hard to tell your pure virginal christian wife that you want to videotape her while you cum in her face. You think she was going to be like yay! Even if she wanted to the role is to pretend like you don't because that's bad and dirty. This woman has proven she doesn't have a healthy relationship with sex just by the very fact that she let some other man who was not her husband ejaculate in her face on video tape.

Most of the time when you read stories like that these women are very broken with a history of sexual abuse that started from a very young age , they have had years of living very promiscuous lifestyle which they sadly used to boost deep wounds of self esteem problems. All of which they hide from the nice guy they thought would make a good husband and they are not even capable of being sexually open with him in that way because the feel shame about it. They are very unhealthy sexually and the poor husband doesn't have a clue who he married because everything in there sex life has been an act.

That is not at all to say women who like kinky sex are unhealthy or have had something in their past. (I want to be very clear on this.) Hell most women are just as kinky as men are. No the tell for this type of person is that a healthy women will want to do this with her husband and that will be part of the reason she picked him to be her husband. She will be sexually open and assertive enough to say what she wants. And if he sucks in bed she will have dumped him long before they get married.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

jakkob said:


> I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.


The answer is never good enough and is over simplified, but she did it because she wanted to satisfy him to continue the affair. She knows she doesn't have to do it to continue in the marriage, however. 

So, it's not necessarily that you are less attractive (could be though), but that she has you and will keep you without having to service you. 

Affairs live off of new energy. If she left you for him, eventually the newness wears off and he's in your shoes, in that he's not getting BJ's. Women often fall into two camps.

They either like giving them or do so out of obligation for something in return. A percentage in the middle do so because they receive pleasure from giving it. GOLDEN!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StarFires said:


> Why do I get the feeling that you don't go down on your wife? Two things give me that feeling. One is that she quit going down on you, when, ordinarily, a person doesn't just stop doing that out of the blue for no reason. While there are women who don't like it and prefer not to have to do it, they still do it if no other reason than to reciprocate their partner's thoughtfulness. It's hard to imagine she allows you to go down on her but suddenly stopped reciprocating never to do it again. Surely she would do it occasionally even if sparsed occasions. But generally, a woman who doesn't receive oral gratification doesn't want to give oral gratification because it makes her feel used and also makes her feel less valued, like she isn't worth much to her man since he doesn't take care of her needs in that manner. And that's not to mention it makes her wonder if there is something wrong with her or something about her that repulses him, which also makes her feel terrible.
> 
> The other thing that gives me that feeling is that you never pushed her about stopping. What guy wouldn't question that unless he doesn't do it for her either? What guy doesn't ask for a BJ at least now and then unless he doesn't feel he has the right to ask for it since he doesn't do it?
> 
> ...


I do agree that he might need to step up his game but my question is why should we assume the cheater is going to be sexual honest and authentic in the marriage? They aren't honest in anything else. Why do they get the benefit when it comes to their sex life? They have proven to have an unhealthy attitude towards sex by having a sexual affair and that doesn't start at the point when the affairs starts, at least in my mind. Having an affair usually show that they use sex like currency, right away not a good sign.

It's just as likely that the signals she gave to him were don't even think about going there because I am not interested, I would never do that. Particularly because presumably she was presenting herself a good chased Christian wife. Someone who has an affair like this while presenting as such usually has real serious sexual issues and hangups. 

I mean read some post from women who do this and they say over and over they never showed this side of themselves to their husbands because they though he would think of them less. They love having crazy sex with the bad boy boyfriends who were dangerous but who they would never think to marry. Mostly because that nature means those guys can't be responsible enough to make good money.


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

OP, she is what is known as Cake-eaters. And Cake-Eaters are the worst, because they are in an affair just for the fun of porn sex, lust and debauchery. Al least escape affair the wayward have some feelings. But not the cake eaters, they are broke and most of them are serial cheaters. So it is very probable it is not her first ride. Read this thread from Oldshirt. Warning, there are triggers. On this thread you are going to have an idea of the mentality of a cake eater wayward. You would be better divorced and find a real woman who love you and desire you. 
Another recommendation, read No More Mr. Nice Guy of Dr. Glover and Married Man Sex Life Primer. 

Here is the link:









Lessons learned being OM #2 - harsh realities (Warning...


The main thing I want people to understand from part 1 is that no one is immune and it can happen any time, any where. There are a number of other things that I don't think many BHs/BSs can wrap their head around initially that people need to be aware of. I am going to post a few of those...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*So this post is very brunt and I am sure will be hard to read but someone needs to say this stuff to you because you need to know the truth of what you are facing.*

It's painful to hear and it even pains me to say it as I know this kills you, but hear it you must. Your wife is not that into you. Accept it because it's true, doesn't mean someone else won't be. Your wife didn't do those things with you because she didn't want to, she wanted to do it with that guy. Accept it. Whatever she says, THIS is the truth and the dissonance that you feel is because your brain is trying to convince you of something that you know is not logical. Stop that and accept it. Doesn't mean you can't find other christian women who you can have an healthy happy adventurous sex life with. Again you don't have to be a martyr for this women and the Bible says you can divorce. She broke the vows not you.

By the way it is very likely she isn't into you because she has serious sexual issues that keep her from being able to be free and open with her husband. Again like I said in the other post, there is a lot more to her sexual life then you know. A lot more.

If you stay married to her the mind movies will probably never go away. Why would you expect them to. She is the trigger and she is going to be the person you spend the most time with the rest of your life. Look you are married to a women who give herself completely physically to a man more then she ever did to you, her husband. Because she was bored? Does someone who loves and respect someone do that? You never even had a chance to have that with her. In what world do you think you are going to have a good happy married with that person. At the best you will have a uneasy strained terribly painful experience. Accept it.

The only way the mind movies go away is if you fall in love with another women, it's the love for your wife now that gives the mind movie power. When that love goes away so does the pain. Now you will probably always look back on that and cringe but if you have moved on to someone else, in the next second you will think back and be happy you moved on, and that is it, poof gone. That's how it works. If you stay they will pop in your mind exactly the same way, except then you have to look and smile and pretend like everything is alright as you live your whole life for this person who treated you like you meant nothing. It's understandable that that isn't going to get much better. And I think any person who tells you it's different is lying. Not in your situation.

You can be a martyr if you want but at this point this women has shown you who she is and how she values you and your marriage, so staying is on you not even her. A wife who does this is really the worst kind of wife imaginable at least in my mind, she is the opposite of a proverbs 31 women because being with her will only bring you pain. She doesn't love or respect you, your vows and she never even let you see who she was sexually. Maybe you could have had an adventurous sex life but she never showed you that side of herself because she didn't want to.

I would say exactly everything the same thing for a man who commits adultery especially like this.

Finally @*StarFires *may be correct you probably should up your sex game, and Christians often do have issues with guilt and adventurous sex. But you know what, a loving wife would want to do that with you and tell you so. Not do it with someone else. So do that, but with someone who loves you.

I know you probably are pissed at me for saying this and some people's heads are spinning reading it but lets cut with the crap here, some things are so monstrous that they should end. This is akin to the wife whose violent husband puts her into the hospital. It's Immoral to advise her to stay with that man after that point no matter what the situation may be. You are basically telling her to ruin her life and that makes a mockery out of the institution of marriage in doing so. Shame on anyone who does that. Same here. It's your life man but someone has to be honest.

I just never understand posts like this. This story and your wife betrayal is most husband's absolute worst nightmare. I don't know why you expect a life with her would not come with a ton of recurring pain.

Divorce her and in 2 years you will feel better, probably the only way.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cocolo2019 said:


> OP, she is what is known as Cake-eaters. And Cake-Eaters are the worst, because they are in an affair just for the fun of porn sex, lust and debauchery. Al least escape affair the wayward have some feelings. But not the cake eaters, they are broke and most of them are serial cheaters. So it is very probable it is not her first ride. Read this thread from Oldshirt. Warning, there are triggers. On this thread you are going to have an idea of the mentality of a cake eater wayward. You would be better divorced and find a real woman who love you and desire you.
> Another recommendation, read No More Mr. Nice Guy of Dr. Glover and Married Man Sex Life Primer.
> 
> Here is the link:
> ...


Yep she is probably a serial cheater. This needs to be pursued.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, I also believe there are issues here. I feel you swept the A under the rug on advice from well meaning people from your church. Hence the can’t get the images out of your head. A very cruel thing to do by the AP. IC would help you as well as your wife. I mean no disrespect but a clinical psychologist. Talk the issue with your WW about the sex. It is a dominance thing by the AP. Hence her first facial, or anal was with him and Not her husband. Hence the photos being sent to you. This can never be claimed by you. 
Communicate with your wife these issues. Not the church she will be embarrassed. By communicating you will raise and address what was swept under the rug. 
One day at a time
Buffer


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jakkob said:


> I forgave her months ago. We are deeply centered in our church and they convinced me that it would be easier to reconcile rather than divorce. It was also easier on the kids and keeping the family together. She said she was sorry and has been completely transparent. It was a blind leap to forgive her but I truly believe she is sorry. She admitted to being bored in our marriage and he was a guy that took advantage of her when she was vulnerable.


Jakkob, the word vulnerable is used far too easily these days. I appreciate that you would prefer to think that a 'horrible nasty man took advantage of you poor little vulnerable wife', but that wasn't it was it. She was bored(and we all get bored some times) and deliberately chose to have an affair. She deliberately choose to betray you and risk the marriage. She deliberately choose him over you and the children. Until you can grasp that you are not living in reality.

I too am a Christian. Yes forgiveness is vital for our own well being, but what many seem to think is that forgiveness means reconciliation. They are two different things. I appreciate that you didn't want to break the marriage up because you have children, its very hard on them, but she had already shattered the marriage and the trust whatever you did next. Do you trust her? Have you made it clear that if it ever happens again the marriage is over? Has she put into place strong boundaries for her future behaviour with the opposite sex?Has she told you everything do you think? Has he got a partner and do they know?


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear Friend,

Excellent post by Buffer. The reason for sending you those horrible pictures was to position him as the dominant man in your marriage. I believe he has been successful judging by your demeanor and actions. You have approached the church for guidance which can be a logical path. I believe the church can also be wrong in some of there assessments and solutions. Your wife toses away the marriage by given her AP authority over her life and body. You are rug-sweeping the entire affair. You got to stand up and be a man!!!!! Stand up to your wife and demand answers. I got some questions.

1.) Who is this AP?
2.) How did they meet?
3.) How long did it last?
4.) Who ended the relationship?
5.) Did your wife beg for forgiveness?
6.) Has she shown remorse and empathy?
7.) Has she given and continue to give you total access to her body?
8.) Has she written a timeline?

What consequences has your wife had since DD?

Best,
Dreamer


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> I get the feeling that nobody read the part where he said he never asked for or tried those things with her.
> As for the part about “she never asked for that”......there is a lot for you to learn in that part.... A LOT.
> A WOMAN WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT TO DO TO HER....AND SHE DANG SURE DOES NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU THE “YES OR NO” PERMISSION. A WOMAN WILL RISE TO A PERFORMANCE LEVEL THAT A MAN AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES OF HER....IT IS NOT A PERMISSION OR ASKING THING.
> Public Notice: I do not condone the cheating.


Thing that bothers me is if she did not give him permission and he took it from her than that is rape and he should be arrested....remember this was not a one time thing...at least twice so clearly she felt comfortable enough with this person. Sorry I do not buy any of this....someone lying


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thread closed. OP is banned as a troll.


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