# how to fix a "lazy" wife



## otasa

so... i am a sevicemember currently deployed. it turns out, this deployment left my marriage a mess. my wife has not worked in over a year, does not go to school, we have no children, does not get important tasks such as moving completed, paying bills on time, living by budget, or work out. most of my close peers think she is lazy and an achor for me. i lie to others and speak of her in the highest manner to avoid shame. how can i improve this? its coming to the point where i cannot deny the fact that she is "lazy" and maybe just sucking my life away.


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## MrsFarris

I am a Marine Corps wife and unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about. I don't work, but I go to school online, work out daily, and do all the household chores from cleaning to cooking to laundry to paying ALL the bills, etc. I am basically a maid/secretary for my husband, but I am okay with that as long as he appreciates me because I feel it is a fair trade-off for the fact that I don't generate any money for us. I have a degree and plan on starting work soon, we just decided that since he is going on his first deployment in January I should wait to get a job until he leaves so we can have maximum time together. 

So, a couple things... she doesn't work, but is she looking? does she cook/clean, do work around the house? When you say she is not "living by a budget", does she shop a lot and spend all your money on things for herself? 

Unfortunately, it is all too common that military men marry woman who see them as a ticket to never have to lift a finger. Most of you make enough money to support two people, and you are gone a lot too. Doesn't help that you get more money just for being married. I would really warn you that this may be the case. Now I would suggest sitting down and laying out an agreement... this is what me and my husband did. We agreed that I wouldn't work, but that I would do all the chores, keep up the apartment, and try to better myself in other ways like school and working out. 

Are you guys stationed some where new? because it can be really intimidating being a wife at a new duty station and not knowing anyone, it makes you just want to hang around at home because that is your comfort zone. She obviously isn't pulling her weight, and that isn't okay... but you have to let her know what you expect, or else she won't know that she isn't meeting your expectations and doesn't have a fair chance at pleasing you. 

Have a talk, don't be confrontational and just let her know how you feel. Don't act unappreciative, being a military wife can be a demanding job in and of itself and she will probably feel very defensive if you act like shes just a total lazy ass. What you are wanting from her is not at all unreasonable, but you have to give her a chance to do what you want her to (IE, tell her what you want) before you can decide what to do about the fact that she isn't doing it. She won't be excited that you are having issues w/ her, but as long as you are calm and honest and have a positive attitude about bettering the relationship, she can't fault you for being open.


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## otasa

Ms. Farris,

You have made many good points. I guess to start off, i need to explain a little about ourselves. We are stationed in Norfolk, VA; we have been here for a while and we have made many good friends. I will be separating shortly, going to the reserves, in order to finish pursuing my education. Now, our time here has been great, but it has also has took a toll on our relationship. She did/does look for a job, but she has not found one yet, even after a year. She has a standard too high for someone with no proffesional background and no education. Some of the employment she is looking for she does not even qualify for. In my book, i will take a job that i can take, and may i like it or not, if deemed necessary i will do it. At the same time, a whole year? I do the cooking when i am home and I clean the house when i am home as well. Our friends know me as the "perfect man". I never wanted her to take on the role of a stayhome wife, but i did not expect to take it on myself while serving in the military. 

Everyone that meets her loves her; on the other hand others that have not, which have an insight of my status consider her a lazy woman. Some of them even think that she is cheating on me. I have never questioned that before and i still feel the same way about it. what i dont get is her behavior. why can she not put as much effort into herself, marriage and progressing in life as i do? i have changed a lot since i met her. i cleaned myself out, started getting in great health and shape, started to do more research on relationship in order to be a better husband. now, i hate to go over her bank statement, but it seems as though her money spending explains her behavior the most. i see not stop transactions at 7/11's, probably for cigarrets, bar tabs, dining out, and atm withdrawls. i dont know how she can say it is so hard with me being gone when she is always going out and doing somehting. i know it is hard being a millitary wife, but none of the wives i know do what she does. they usulay put their time to better themselves and prepare the home for when their spouse returns. not potentialy damage it. 

i get out this coming feb. i am worried that if this behavior continues, i am going to need to reconsider my options in order to complete my schooling. our plan is to have me finsish my ba over the next two years, while she works full time and supports the household. i now have worries and second thoughts. what opinions might you have of that.


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## MrsFarris

It sounds like she really doesn't want a job. I mean, she may be "looking", but if she really wanted one, especially if she is cute, she could get one easily. If you are pressuring her to get a job, she may pretend to be interested in getting one just so she doesn't have to hear it from you. 

Some people are more self-centered than others. Take my husband... he is an only child and has a lot of trouble putting himself in other peoples shoes. In our relationship, he wants to make me happy, but does what he thinks he has to to do so and not a lot more because he just doesn't think that way. 

What I am trying to say is that if she doesn't work, acts lazy, and lives off of you... and you don't do anything about it, why would she stop? You have to tell/show here that you are serious and that this is going to be a deal breaker for you. It would be one thing if she was going to have to give up her own goals for you to pursue school, but all she is going to have to give up is being lazy and overindulgent.

Bar tabs? Thats a little iffy... are you sure shes not shopping around? I know its not nice to think about your wive this way but after being in some bad relationships I think its a lot better to be honest with yourself about the possibilities. 

No goals, bad decisions... is this really someone you want to be with for the rest of your life? My opinion is that if the person you are with is not someone you see yourself with for a lifetime, then why waste your emotions, time, and money on them now? You seem to have a lot going for you and if she really isn't for you then every second you put up with it is a second you could have spent possibly meeting your perfect girl. I'm sure people who meet her love her... she may be totally great! but what you need is ask yourself is, is she great for YOU? 

Nothing you are asking for is unreasonable... now I am sure you might be able to do counseling and work really hard on things and get her to do what you need from her, but is it really worth all the effort to get her to act differently about it when she may just end up resenting you for it? Not all women are cut out to be military wives. You have to be selfless, considerate, and very understanding. I love my husband but if I was in the military instead of him, I don't know if he could hack it! 

I think you need to sit down with her, talk over all the problems. What she does, what she doesn't do, and how you picture things to be different. Making it seem like you are more worried about helping the relationship then criticizing her will help her not get defensive. Depending on how she handles/reacts to that, you will have to go from there. 

I'm not trying to be so negative about your situation but you seem like a really nice and tolerant guy, and I also tend to be very nice and very tolerant in relationships- AKA, I can be a push over. So I have just learned that you shouldn't settle if you aren't being treated properly, it as never ended well for me or anyone I know. People who are kind and tolerant, they're great, it not a fault on you as a person, but it does put a target on your forehead to be taken advantage of.


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## Mommybean

I'm not a military wife, but I am originally FROM the area that you are stationed at. The scenario you describe sounds all to familiar of many of the guys I used to know back home. I'm afraid she sees you as a meal ticket and is likely going out and showing herself and who knows who else a good time on your money. The bars that a lot of military personnel AND spouses frequent back there....Gary's, Knickerbockers, Harry's and the bars at Waterside are NOTORIOUS military wife meat markets. If she is going to any of those places, it is just NOT a good sign. I have literally seen women go out and within a week of their husband deploying, have a "boyfriend" living in the house that the husband is paying for, and staying until he comes home, or until they get tired of each other. Be wary. I would not have posted on this, other than the fact that what you describe is what I watched MANY of my friends (and clients, as I used to be a hairstylist by the base) go thru.


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## otasa

well, as far as my wife's behavior, i dont dought the possibility but i have a way too hard time of even thinking about that. her friends always mail me telling me how much she misses me. at the same time, she has just always been all over me. 

as far as talking to my wife about this stuff, we have done it before but turned into arguments and resulting in minimal change. to be fair to her, i think it will be best to explain a littl bit of myself as well. when it comes to my wife, i do have a short temper often. i am very stressed around her and i believe it comes from how dissapointed in her i am. she does tell me i am insencitive, and i always pick on her for her bad things instead of her good. she says i do not give her enough credit for improvements she has made. when i get really mad, i tend to go for a walk, which upsets her. sometimes, i just go outside and knock over trashcans or my beloved flower pots. i always end up cleaning it afterwards leading me to feel like an idiot. when i go to the gym with her, i try to give her a little "push" and she tells me that makes her self counsious as well. after coming back from work, i cook, eat and often times fall asleep early while reading, or watching tv. she does not like the fact that i do not help her with the dishes than. i have been taking marriage classes through my command, and have been learning a lot from it. i know there are some changes i can make with myself.

as far as for maybe her not being the right one, that can always be a possiblity. i got married at a young age and i knew what we will be getting into. however, i imagined that she will work as hard as i do to improve things. i love her, and i wanted a better life and opportunities for her. she has all the resources needed, but she has not takin advantage of them. in my opinion, giving up is not an option. i want it to work and i hope we can resolve this. i also forgot to mention, one of the biggest issues is that she does not feel as though we are in the middle of a chrisis. i beg to differ.


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## macmonkey

Otasa,

It sounds like we are Married to the same woman. I've got a very similar situation on my hands.

Not to Hijack your thread but I'll share a little of my position:

I've got a decent job, got married 6 months ago and live in a good house in a great neighborhood. We've got plenty of toys and live a pretty good life.

The past 2 jobs that my wife held were positions that I essentially got for her (by asking friends, etc..). In October 2009 she quit her last job, a decision which we both felt was for the best since her boss was a time-bomb pill popping adulterous that made the whole workforce miserable.

Since October my wife has laid around the house doing virtually nothing, playing Petville and then running around with 2 of her friends that are also what many would call lazy. 

Over the past 4 months with absolutely no income / no savings we've begun to develop financial issues. Our problems aren't of a nature that couldn't be fixed with a few months of diligent work but there seems to be no end in sight.

I've been encouraging her to go out and get a job for the past 4 months. Even if she could bring in $600 a month that would at least cover some credit card payments that are really putting a strain on us.

It's gotten to the point where everyone around me sees that she's taking advantage and really stressing me out. My mother has spent the past few days driving her around (which she's completely capable of doing herself) and putting in applications. At this point I could care less if she's working at Krogers bagging groceries - It would at least bring in some money and get her out of the house.

Even worse than the financial burdeon - I'm starting to get really hurt because she's not stepping up to help 'fight' for our lifestyle. I'm the kind of person that will do everything to provide and ensure a comfortable lifestyle but she just accepts a bad situation and says she'll pray about it.. 

In addition she's beginning to use Church as an excuse not to work. She does some simple babysitting and sunday school work at church which pay about $60 per month and assume about 8 hours of the month (Yea about $7.50 per hour) and the few job interests that have come along she says "I can't do it because of my church obligations".

Anyways - In short I feel like I've been going through the same thing you are and I'm just clueless as to how I can get it through her head that if she wants this relationship to work she's going to have to fight for it as much as I am.

My family are starting to get worried about our future (even though they love her to death) because they agree that right now the relationship is really one-sided.

Good luck!


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## turnera

Here's what I would do:
Set up automatic bill payment for the house note, phone, the electricity, the gas, $50/month to a department store, $100/month for play money, $100/month to a gas company card (Shell, Chevron, Exxon, etc.) and a $200/month bill at the local grocery store. Automate your paycheck for the rest to go into a savings account that requires YOUR signature for withdrawal.

Then tell her that you have set up the household to run while you're gone. But that if she wants cable, internet, more than $50 worth of clothes et al., or to go out to eat, you're sure that, with her intelligence and qualifications, she can find a job that will pay for such things. Do it very calmly and very lovingly.


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## MEM2020

She just sees you as a human ATM. That is so sad. And I agree 100 percent - she should have taken the BEST job she could get and worked that. The combo of not working at all and spending a lot of money is a huge red flag. If you don't end it, she will likely bankrupt you. 



otasa said:


> Ms. Farris,
> 
> You have made many good points. I guess to start off, i need to explain a little about ourselves. We are stationed in Norfolk, VA; we have been here for a while and we have made many good friends. I will be separating shortly, going to the reserves, in order to finish pursuing my education. Now, our time here has been great, but it has also has took a toll on our relationship. She did/does look for a job, but she has not found one yet, even after a year. She has a standard too high for someone with no proffesional background and no education. Some of the employment she is looking for she does not even qualify for. In my book, i will take a job that i can take, and may i like it or not, if deemed necessary i will do it. At the same time, a whole year? I do the cooking when i am home and I clean the house when i am home as well. Our friends know me as the "perfect man". I never wanted her to take on the role of a stayhome wife, but i did not expect to take it on myself while serving in the military.
> 
> Everyone that meets her loves her; on the other hand others that have not, which have an insight of my status consider her a lazy woman. Some of them even think that she is cheating on me. I have never questioned that before and i still feel the same way about it. what i dont get is her behavior. why can she not put as much effort into herself, marriage and progressing in life as i do? i have changed a lot since i met her. i cleaned myself out, started getting in great health and shape, started to do more research on relationship in order to be a better husband. now, i hate to go over her bank statement, but it seems as though her money spending explains her behavior the most. i see not stop transactions at 7/11's, probably for cigarrets, bar tabs, dining out, and atm withdrawls. i dont know how she can say it is so hard with me being gone when she is always going out and doing somehting. i know it is hard being a millitary wife, but none of the wives i know do what she does. they usulay put their time to better themselves and prepare the home for when their spouse returns. not potentialy damage it.
> 
> i get out this coming feb. i am worried that if this behavior continues, i am going to need to reconsider my options in order to complete my schooling. our plan is to have me finsish my ba over the next two years, while she works full time and supports the household. i now have worries and second thoughts. what opinions might you have of that.


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