# Tattling



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Jeffrey (10) likes to tattle on his sister Margot (6) incessantly. 

To clarify, tattling, to me, is insignificant things. Telling me Margot is sticking knives into light sockets is not tattling. Telling me he found heroine in his sisters room is not tattling. Telling me his sister looked at him funny is tattling. Telling me that on cleanup day, HE personally doesn't feel Margot is doing things the way he thinks they should be done, is tattling. Pointing out something Margot did three weeks ago as deflection for the trouble he's in now falls under the category of tattling.

so I think I've found a cure but I want some input. It goes for both kids, and its basically this: When you tattle, you get the punishment for whatever the offense was. If its about a chore, you get to do said chore. So like, when they're cleaning their rooms and bringing up their dishes, and Jeffrey is like "HEY! I brought up 3 cups and Margot only brought 1!" Well guess what Jeffrey, you get to clean Margot's room now! 

So far the tattling has decreased quite significantly.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry but your idea doesn't exactly address WHY Jeffry is tattling, WHAT he gets out of tattling and those two things must be addressed in order for Jeffry to learn the difference between tattling and confiding.

When Jeffry tattles, no matter what it is, ask him to tell you how he feels. Ask him what he thinks you should do. Ask him if there might be something else going on that he hadn't considered.

Talk it out with him and then ignore the original complaint.

Often times children become hyper vigilant on other people's behavior because they themselves feel unjustly accused, not listened to, and or ignored. The kid who gets in trouble most is many times the biggest tattle tale.

Understand that this is both a developmental stage and a response to growing up and trying to understand his world around him and how he fits within it. Yes, annoying as hell but punishment isn't exactly the way to go just yet and in fact may make it worse.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I would have handled that more like this. 

Jeffrey why are you telling me that about your sister? What do you think is going to happen now that you've told me? You know that I'm not going to punish her so what outcome are you thinking here? Why does what she is doing bother you so much? 

Then honestly at the end of the conversation I probably would have asked him if he thinks his tattling is annoying and reminded him that complaining, whining, tattling and gum smacking are all things that annoy mom.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Jeffrey (10) likes to tattle on his sister Margot (6) incessantly.


Which child do you and your spouse pay attention to the most?


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Sunburn said:


> Which child do you and your spouse pay attention to the most?


This is kind of a judgmental thing to say. I think the child is just going through a tattling phase, and it will pass. 

I went through a tatting phase, and it wasn't because my parents paid more attention to my brother or sister. 

I feel like you were being a bit too quick to judge here.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Ashalicious said:


> This is kind of a judgmental thing to say. I think the child is just going through a tattling phase, and it will pass.
> 
> I went through a tatting phase, and it wasn't because my parents paid more attention to my brother or sister.
> 
> I feel like you were being a bit too quick to judge here.


Oh how terrible to ask a direct question that might uncover the motivation. Word on the street is that not all parents are perfect.

My wife has taught preschool for 20+ years. Tattling is the norm amongst those little people. Incessant tattling at 10 is unusual. 

Regardless, citing your single personal experience doesn't equate to the norm.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sunburn said:


> Oh how terrible to ask a direct question that might uncover the motivation. Word on the street is that not all parents are perfect.
> 
> *My wife has taught preschool for 20+ years. Tattling is the norm amongst those little people. Incessant tattling at 10 is unusual.
> *
> Regardless, citing your single personal experience doesn't equate to the norm.


First line...LOL!

Second bolded part, right you are. Is this behavior present at school too? Does he suffer peer rejection as a result? How does the school handle it? Should this child be tested for language processing learning disabilities and or ADHD, or some other developmental delay?


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Ok lots of replies.....for starters this is how i was raised. No one waa interested in how you were feeling or qhat your thought process was... You were told by an adult, you heard the adult you understand the adult and theres no mental defect in the way so therefor do as youre effing told!!

Im sure jeffrey feels persecuted pr neglected. Yeah on the surface it looks like we play favorites with margo. But we dont. Simple fact is margo doesnt do as many troublesome things so she gets scolded less. She does more good things so she gets rewarded more. 

We try to give jeffrey the same opportunities to get praised and mot scolded but he just.....he ****s all over everything basically. Like lets do.some housework today. Margo jumps right on it. Jeffrey whines n *****es and cries amd nags.about how this one time no one cam remember he picked up something off the floor and margo didnt. So yeah end of the day margo did like ten things and gets rewarded as such. Jeffrey laid in his bed and played with the cats. We dont reward this. Now were so unfair!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I remember four major things regarding inequities (perceived) as a child:
1) no unnecessary comments - that includes tattling or negative observations, criticism or comments like 'whatever'.
2) keep your hands to yourself - that included 'pretending' to poke, touch, etc. in a provoking manner
3) worry about YOU, not everyone else - don't keep score. You do what is expected of YOU. Kids with different ages, different skills, etc. will have different expectations. This won't change during the course of your life.
4) Life isn't fair. Get used to it. Perceived or real.

Don't give him negative attention. Simply ignore the whining. Life isn't goign to give him a pat on the back (as you know) because of what he did yesterday. Focus on TODAY and encourage him to do the same. When he says he did yesterday, ignore that and say we are talking about today. Same goes for the girl. 

Perhaps creating a work and rewards chart on a dry erase board, or a weekly chart will help. He will learn the days of the week, know every day he has to brush teeth, put dirty clothes in the hamper and do weekly chores like fold towels. When he accrues so many points, he gets a one-on-one play date with YOU. Since he seems to want attention, reward with POSITIVE attention only.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> Ok lots of replies.....for starters this is how i was raised. No one waa interested in how you were feeling or qhat your thought process was... You were told by an adult, you heard the adult you understand the adult and theres no mental defect in the way so therefor do as youre effing told!!


So you talk at your son and he returns the favor by whining and tattling at you. 

He's whining and tattling to express something instead of using words and you don't want him to tell you anything just do as he's told. 

It's not a matter of coddling a child when you ask him what he's thinking. I never spoke to my kids in a condescending, coddling, child way. It was direct like I was speaking to an adult. why are you doing that? Because I don't get it! What's your problem? I've got little patience for whining so it ended quick and they are both now effective communicators.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree you need to address WHY it's happening, not just shut him down for doing it; he'll just transfer whatever that need is in him into some other dysfunctional behavior, because the need isn't being addressed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Jadiel said:


> Ok lots of replies.....for starters this is how i was raised. No one waa interested in how you were feeling or qhat your thought process was... You were told by an adult, you heard the adult you understand the adult and theres no mental defect in the way so therefor do as youre effing told!!
> 
> Im sure jeffrey feels persecuted pr neglected. Yeah on the surface it looks like we play favorites with margo. But we dont. Simple fact is margo doesnt do as many troublesome things so she gets scolded less. She does more good things so she gets rewarded more.
> 
> We try to give jeffrey the same opportunities to get praised and mot scolded but he just.....he ****s all over everything basically. Like lets do.some housework today. Margo jumps right on it. Jeffrey whines n *****es and cries amd nags.about how this one time no one cam remember he picked up something off the floor and margo didnt. So yeah end of the day margo did like ten things and gets rewarded as such. Jeffrey laid in his bed and played with the cats. We dont reward this. Now were so unfair!


You're kinda hard on the kid. He's a kid, not an adult. He is his own unique little person. He is not his sister, not you, not your H. He comes with his own nature and his own level of maturity and resilience.

He gets into trouble so he gets yelled at. His sister doesn't so she doesn't. He doesn't do the things he is supposed to to earn praise, so he doesn't get it. His sister does so she does.

When raising kids the motto is not equal for all but each to his own needs. If your child had diabetes you would ensure his meals catered to his dietary needs, not insist he learn to eat what everyone else does.

This is the same thing. Your son simply doesn't control himself as well as your daughter, as a result, you son doesn't get praised but gets in trouble. You think this will make him behave better? So how's that working out for you?

1. Find reasons to praise him. LOOK HARD!
2. Make behavior goals appropriate for who he is, not who he should be.
3. Listen to his feelings even if it's foreign to you. (My mother was abusive, should we all copy the parenting style of our parents?)
4. Do not yell at him in front of his sister and o not praise his sister in front of him.
5. Spend 1:1 time with him every day doing something positive. Something you can praise him for. ("Jeffry I think you do a great job watching out for your sister, you always know what she is doing.) leave it at that. Once he feels like he is loved as well as his sister is loved he will begin to behave better.
6. Get family counseling. Your parenting style is punitive and doesn't match what your son needs. Family counseling will teach you ways to tweak it, to better meet your sons needs.


Can you imagine what it would be like to go to work every day and have you boss praise your co worker while frowning at you? Imagine that scenario from a child's perspective. This is how your son feels. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. Your son needs to feel your love, find ways to give it to him.


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