# DH won't stop smoking Marijuana and other tales...



## tiredoffighting86 (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband and I have been married nearly 9 years. We have three children, own our home and my husband has been blessed with a decent job. I love him and all his quirks and of course, we've had minor relationship issues along the way. We married young (18) and are now 26. After 1-2 years of marriage I knew something wasn't right with my husband. He clearly had a lot of anxiety and depression that comes and goes. A year and a half ago he wound up in the hospital due to extreme anxiety and after all was cleared medically the dr's concluded he had some sore of mental/psych breakdown and then he got better and was released. Around that time he started smoking weed (thanks to my brother) and has quite regularly since then. Neither of us had ever smoked before. He at first did it occasionally when visiting my brother, but within a short time (maybe 1-2 months) he started buying his own. I've never been OK with this, especially since we have three young children. He does not smoke around them, but in the basement or outside in a shed, however you can still smell it, unless he totally showers and changes his clothes. It's progressed to every time he's home and doesn't need to be at work, if he has the opportunity to get his hands on some. Sometimes he doesn't smoke it at all for 1-2 weeks at a time, but it's not by choice, it's because it's not available. 

Last spring he also got professional help and regularly see's a counselor to help with his mental health issues and how he addresses problems in life. His biggest issue is that he avoids dealing with anything. He also was put on an anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety medication. The anxiety medication, I felt, helped him significantly. He seemed happier and more like himself. He started the anti-depressant in September 2012 and since then has had some significant side effects (more manic behavior, self-pity etc.) I feel quite certain these things are a result of the anti-depressant. Yet, his dr. recently asked him to stay on it for two more months. 

So back to the marijuana issue, he's just so different when he smokes. He gets obsessed with talking about certain subjects I find boring, or get tired of because he won't stop talking about them, OR he doesn't talk to me at all. And of course he LOOKS high, and talks slower, and just overall doesn't seem as responsive as he is normally. I'm very un-attracted to him when he's smoking. Although between the medication and weed he rarely wants to have sex anyway. It's creating a huge distance between us. It's like he stopped trying to act in a way that makes me attracted to him yet can't understand when I'm "not in the mood", when he reeks like smoke or is acting obnoxious. Recently he's been smoking every 1-2 hours all day when he's home from work (he works 4 days on 3 days off). It's upsetting. But when I confront him about it and ask to compromise to maybe once a week or 2-3 times a month, he insists I'm not going to compromise and I'm going to make him quit 100%. He also has promised several times in the past to smoke less or quit altogether and of course he never does. Today I let him know (calmly and lovingly) that I can't do this. He needs to significantly cut back or stop, or I can't be in this relationship. I just can't justify this at all. I'm humiliated and embarrassed that my husband does this. I used to be so proud of him, and the progress he's made in his life, but now I feel ashamed. 
He said I was overreacting and that I'm the one causing issues in our marriage. He said I'm the one withdrawing and it's my fault because I gave an ultimatum. 

I can't quite believe that's true. Please assure me that it's NORMAL to want your husband to stop smoking weed. I've asked him to go to marriage counseling, and I told him I'm going with him to his next counseling appointment and discuss this issue with his therapist as I doubt he's let her in on how often he does this. He thinks I'm "bluffing". 
I told him how hurt I feel that he's choosing a substance he likes to smoke over his family. Nothing. 
He's being wholly unreasonable and I don't know what to do. I'm a stay at home mom with no college education, with young children and I can't afford to get a divorce. I don't WANT a divorce, I want his behavior to change. I don't want to break up my family and hurt my children that way. But what else can I do? How can I approach this. Talking, pleading, yelling or threatening aren't the answer...
I feel so discouraged and let down. Am I the crazy one here?

ETA: I just wasn't sure where to put this, in the addiction area or somewhere else. Please move it, if it needs to be. I feel my DH is addicted to how he feels when he smokes, even though I know MJ isn't a typically chemically addicting substance, he is definitely mentally addicted.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

You are doing the right thing. What will be more difficult is actually divorcing him over it. I strongly encourage you to do so unless he is willing to get help for his addiction and give it up 100%. There is no "cutting back" when someone smokes pot like this. People who smoke weed daily have this mentality that its perfectly acceptable so they act as if you are the one with the issue, don't bend to his way of thinking. It's not acceptable and you do not want your children exposed to this on a daily basis. He may not smoke around them but they will grow up, they will catch on and most kids start asking questions at about age 5, they know the deal young kids aren't stupid. How are you going to explain this to them? He thinks it is acceptable so although he doesn't tell the kids it's acceptable he teaches them through is actions that it is. 

Your DH needs to get serious help and stop smoking weed or you should divorce him. If you take the passive approach he will continue and you will deal with this issue indefinitely. I know women (2) who's H's smoke weed daily they haven't stopped in over a decade. It's interfered with vacations and family visiting, etc. it's the families dirty little secret and the kids now have grown up knowing it, hiding it and I guess we'll see if they follow dads example. It's really sad and the W's wish they had put her foot down long ago but now they feel its too late. It has eroded their M's resentment toward their H's keeps building and they worry about their kids. 

One family has a teenage child, unable to avoid the childs direct knowledge of the facts anymore the father told his son he smokes for medical reasons. The son told my son what his dad said and that it was BS. I found out about this families secret because my son confided in me his friends concern. This friend told my son so that my son would understand why he always preferred coming to my house. The boy was afraid his dad would come home, go outside to smoke while my son was over at their house and then the boy would be embarrassed. I found out a little more about how his W feels when I spoke to her about it. She was very embarrassed and broke down but I had to talk to her and explain that I was no longer comfortable with my son going anywhere with her H if he was driving and that her son was always welcome at my home but I preferred that my son not be at their house for extended lengths of time (no sleepovers) if her H was home. It was very uncomfortable but I feel strongly about not exposing my child to such behavior because its not acceptable to me. I am grateful that we as moms came to an agreement that could keep the boys friendship in tact and I truly felt bad for her and her son. I can't imagine how she felt to know that her son is embarrassed by his dad and uncomfortable in his own home. 

I wish you the best, don't rug sweep this issue with your H or it will never go away and you will be explaining it to your kids one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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