# Working towards change



## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

I've been married for 9 and a half years and have 4 kids (1 step 3 blood)

This is my second marriage my first ended after my 1st wife cheated. I was very unhappy in every way with 1st wife and was happy to find a reason to split and divorce.

Now I actually dated my current wife before I married my 1st wife we were not sexually involved in fact back then I was seeing her trying to be celibate and we were just 19 turning 20 (3 days apart in age) well we had a falling out over something dumb and she cheated and wound up pregnant with my now 16yr old stepdaughter.

Needless to say I was very upset and set out looking for someone the total opposite of her. And found that person in my 1st marriage. The blessing of my 1st marriage is that we had no children and had an easy clean break and divorce.

My current wife and I started communicating right before my 1st wife and I officially separated and started dating shortly after that. Well, initially I only wanted to sleep with her since I felt I deserved sex for what she put me through earlier in life. However I forgave her completely and fell in love with her.

Because It was so soon after my divorce I wanted to date and not rush marriage well we got pregnant and tied the knot. 

I was working a commission only job and being newly married with two kids to support I hung out drinking after work and played basketball 2-3 times a week making my wife upset and suspicious of me being a cheater. I did cheat before marriage but technically we were broken up I thought.

Anyway...My 1st wife was very free with her body. She would walk around our home naked, sleep naked, come out the shower and dress in front of me everyday. Because of her always being naked I never craved porn or really cared to look at women unless they were exceptionally attractive.

My current wife when dating me, never removed her shirts all the way during sex and would often have sex with her skirts pulled up. Now although the actual sex was good I always begged her to get naked and she said when your divorced and then when we are married. 

Once married when I begged she'd get married but never just let me see her in any serious light. Wrongly I started getting into porn and resented her more and more. Looking at porn I started looking for 'real' naked women or amateurs then started looking at the adult ads on craigslist and back page. I got turned on reading the casual section in craigslist personals. 

I eventually wrote an ad seeking a blow job and fielded responses until a certain woman caught my attention being more conversational and less business like than the others though still wanting money for the act. I never called or met with the woman but exchanged multiple emails and pictures. After a while I realized the last chance I want to take is that of stds and losing what I have at home so I deleted the emails and forgot about them and her.

Well my laptop power cord broke and I started using our family computer until my cord came. I left my email account up not knowing all of the sent messages were still there with the girls messages too! 

Needless to say she my saw the emails 10/28 and flipped. She said the only thing she respected about me was that she thought I was above that type of sick behavior and even if I didn't do it that eventually I would and she can't trust me or tolerate a man with those sick tendencies.

At first seeing how disappointed and disgusted she was, I was ready to give in and not fight for our marriage. I agreed that I'd sleep downstairs and move after I pay our house tax.

Then I started reflecting on what I did and about how porn has influenced me and I started with prayer. I examined myself to my core and decided I want to honor my marriage and my wife.Then I started researching how to earn trust and I've been working at that every day. 

Yesterday,I went to a relationship expert for help on healing my marriage. My wife is telling me she's still not sure she wants to stay with me but can see that I'm putting forth alot of effort to make her secure and the fact that I've patiently allowed her to vent and accepted all blame makes her feel slightly better each day.

We've had sex only one night when she drunk her self silly and she hasn't gotten drunk since. I'm trying to show affection that isn't sexual and I'm telling her I can wait as long as it takes and as long as she doesn't have sex with anyone else and I will remain patient and faithful til then too. 

I'm here so I can get encouragement from other people who've messed up and changed and were able to heal their marriages and fall more in love because that's what I want to do and will give my all to do.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

Please respond somebody!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I wish I could give you an answer or some positive feedback, but I'm in a similar situation....I'm working hard on changing my old ways....if it works is yet to be determined....so far it doesn't look like it  

Best of luck to you !!!!!


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

You didn't go through with it and you seem truly remorseful for letting it go as far as it did. From what you've written, it seems like you're trying hard and being patient. But what about the problems that led to you seeking other women? I forgave my husband for his infidelity, but we addressed the issues in our marriage and worked together to make things better. Without that, I don't think he could have earned my trust back. If my marriage was the same now as it was before the infidelity, I would just expect that it would happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

I do not know , it's hard hearing stuff like this. my wife is very open about porn, she watches it sometimes. I don't mind, it gets her going. She has always loved the hot romance books too. I think it all has to be how you were raised.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I had it easy, I screwed up my marraige enough to were my wife had multible affairs for 13 years, I just didn't give a dam. But when I wanted change she excepted that add basicly was just waiting for me.


Getting back to change;

Once you see the problem, you change. Once she sees the problem then she changes. For my self I had issues and behaviors that I commited to changing them, So as I took care of my behaviors and focused on what makes me better, she was in a fog and didn't notice, so I just confronted her. She got on board and she made the changes that caused me to dismiss her.

I quess what I'm saying is work on your self, and if she goes along then great. If not then you can find someone and you won't make the same mistakes. 

As we get older we start to understand our selves and what we need to look for that makes us happy. 


You can only pray that she takes notice, and sees a mature, wiser, and changed man.

You can control your behaviors, but you can't control hers or her feelings. She has to do that on her own.

Take some step in seeing a theripist, and try religion, something that stands out and says I want to be a better person.


Good luck on repair our marriage.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> You didn't go through with it and you seem truly remorseful for letting it go as far as it did. From what you've written, it seems like you're trying hard and being patient. But what about the problems that led to you seeking other women? I forgave my husband for his infidelity, but we addressed the issues in our marriage and worked together to make things better. Without that, I don't think he could have earned my trust back. If my marriage was the same now as it was before the infidelity, I would just expect that it would happen again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe 2 things led me down the path I was on

#1 too much porn which had me comparing our sex life to fantasy

#2 my wife and I get along good but she has a platonic male freind I can't stand and often feel like she enjoys their talks and freindship more than ours. I feel like she is physically mine but not intelectually or emotionally mine.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

the guy said:


> I had it easy, I screwed up my marraige enough to were my wife had multible affairs for 13 years, I just didn't give a dam. But when I wanted change she excepted that add basicly was just waiting for me.
> 
> 
> Getting back to change;
> ...


Thank you for your encouragng words!

I feel that she loves me still but is afraid that when things get tough in our future that I may seek pleasure or comfort somewhere else. 

She has major trust issues with men stemming back to her childhood and me doing what I did only reinforces those issues. I feel that I canbe the man to win her confidence in me and men in general but in mywholehearted conviction seem cliche-ish. 

Its been almost a month sice we had sex and that time she drank her way into and through it. Just the past few days I got her to accept my current affection is not sex motivated but motivated to express my love only.

She doesnt beleive that I'm satisfied with her and no matter what feels that I love her as my kids mother but not as a woman that I must have to hold and love for life.

She vents that I must like *****s and deseased prostitutes cause I was seeking one. I admitted to liking the filth in porn but realises that everything else is an unknown I want to remain an unknown. 

Now laying everyday beside her now having sex is a whole new trial. I go to sleep and awake with erections, can't sleep. Prayer helps but I long to be close to her but can't tell why she even has let me back in our bed. 

When I ask 'do you want us to get past this?' she says, 'I would like to have a mairriage that lasts, just like I would like to be rich or I would like to be a movie star, but what you would like and what you can have are two seperate things!'

I told her she doesn't have to forgive me know but at least tell me what you want one way or the other. Sometimes she speaks about the fure in we and when terms. Othertimes she says she's not sure what she wants and if she can live with me anymore. 

I am confused with how to respond daily. I let her vent when she vents. I try to accept all blame and own up to being vile and dispicable in my actions. I also swear daily that I will never disrespect our union or her feelings with porn or contact with any woman in the future. She laughs at all of that as if something is funny.

She said we are still 'good freinds' and we have watched movies and sports together every night lately with sprinkles of her anger and sadness when words or things on tv trigger her memory. I'm scared everyday that my money and time are being spent without any chance that we will have a good marraige. I'm also scared that in her mind she feels that she should seek a better man because there is no way I can 'do right' from now on.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I agree that too much porn can be detrimental to sex in marriage, but I don't think that seeing your wife naked is an unreasonable fantasy. Maybe that is something that should be discussed.

Read about emotional affairs and see if your wife's platonic friendship crosses any lines. If so, that will definitely hinder your efforts to get the spark back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> I agree that too much porn can be detrimental to sex in marriage, but I don't think that seeing your wife naked is an unreasonable fantasy. Maybe that is something that should be discussed.
> 
> Read about emotional affairs and see if your wife's platonic friendship crosses any lines. If so, that will definitely hinder your efforts to get the spark back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I started therapy this week to have an unbiased voice and ear. And I told my wife her freindship is an EA and she fell over laughing. 

I know it's not wrong to see her naked and she does too. The thing is 4 pregnancies and weight gain have bottled up the little boldness she ever had. She's never been the type to just show everything. The crazy thing is inspite of her shyness sex with heris still the best I've ever had even after all these years.


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## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

Well things were going good with us. We were having date nights watching movies, hugging a little kissing (no sex) but I thought we were doing good til she started out being snappy and sarcastic then downright mean. 

She's calling me an a**hole! Saying she can't live with me and said how if she could she'd have f**k another man to get pregnant and hurt me. 

She kicked me out of the bedroom again and although I want this to work I'm fustrated that she only sees bad in me doesn't beleive I'm sincere or that I can change and be trusted again.

Should I give up? Is there any hope?


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