# I love you but i'm not in love with you



## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Hi Everyone,
Just seeking some advice from people who have been through the debacle I am about to describe as briefly as I can. I am a new member having just joined after reading Unwind80's story (which there was never a conclusion to as he never reported back what happened so I was a bit disappointed to read through all of the pages in his post only to never learn what ultimately happened.
Anyway here's my story.

My wife and I met in 1996, married in 2001. Just this past Sunday she came home and told me that somewhere along the line in our relationship she "lost herself" and she "doesn't know who she is." She said I love you dearly, you are my best friend in this life, but I don't have those feelings for you anymore. I don't feel about you as I think I should. She specifically said there was no more "passion" in our relationship. I love you but I'm not in love with you...the famous line.

Our initial years together were WONDERFUL and it was blatantly obvious that my wife was head over heels for me as I was for her. We had a wonderful marriage that was already based on an strong bond of friendship. People called us a perfect couple even though there really is no such thing. So we were in bliss...long after the infatuation stage as we didn't even marry until 5 years after we got together. 
Then in 2009 I became disabled and started a disability case. Of course this eventually created many money problems for us now on only one income. We hung in there for about 4 years going through the extremely slow process of rejections and then hearings and so forth and so on. Well I would say probably sometime last year, perhaps around summer 2013, we were both really at wit's end with the money problems. We would go back and forth figuring out if I should just give up, get a job, and just suffer through my ailments as best as I can. Because the potential back pay owed to me would likely be close to $60,000...it was always a difficult decision for us to make. Do we give up a chance to finally get all the money we should've been getting all along and suffering without...or should we simply say screw it, I'm just going back to work. Well we would always have our usual lengthy discussion whenever we would sit down and open yet another denial letter (standard Social Security practice is to deny, deny, deny, in the hopes they drive applicants to quit)...just as we were just about the point of doing. Well we decided to keep fighting.
So my last hearing was in August of 2013, denial received November 2013. We carried on. Then in January 2014 is when the danger bell went off. My wife was particularly distraught this day when she was doing the bills. As usual we were several hundred dollars short again...as we seemingly have been for 4 years since I had to stop working. It was around this time she first mentioned "I'm not sure I want to be with you and I want to be honest with you. I love you but I'm not sure." We worked through that however after she identified a few things I was doing wrong with her. She never was able to go out with her friends a lot, go shopping, go spa, etc...all the things I've learned a woman needs. Instead she said she was taking of my needs and her needs were not being fulfilled. So of course I asked what the problems were an immediately changed them. So things seemed to be fine. 
Fast forward to last Sunday, a day or two after she did the bills again. She comes home and drops a bombshell..."You're going to hate me but I love you so much but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. I've lost myself in this relationship and I don't know who I am anymore. I need to go back home to my parents and live and find myself." She doesn't want to worry about anyone but herself now, not me, not anyone. She wants to "do what I want when I want and not have to answer to anyone."

Now please understand my wife, she is NOT the type that would cheat on me, in fact if she was, the only time she could be doing it is at work because we both share a car, again the result of me having to get rid of mine once I became disabled. So she's either going into work and leaving with someone else during the day, which I would think people would miss her as she's in a busy office. I suppose it's always possible there is cheating going on and I also know that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line is almost always delivered by a cheating spouse. However for the purposes of this writing, please operate on the assumption that infidelity is totally not a factor because I truly believe it isn't. She doesn't get all dolled up to go work, instead she battles depression and anxiety and sometimes barely throws herself together for work very morning...certainly not dressing "hot" as one would expect from a spouse expecting to a secret lover somewhere. So let's just assume it's a 100% fact that infidelity has nothing to do with this.

As I said, she adored me, and you can always tell when a woman is madly in love with you. Your coffee is brewed in the morning when I got out of bed, she did my laundry and we were soulmates. I also did nice things for her in return so that wasn't a one-way street.

So now here I sit, merely 4 days after this bombshell was dropped. So many people thought of us as the perfect couple even though there's no such thing as that...but you get what I mean. It was clear to all we really loved each other and our marriage. So when the news broke a couple days ago that we were divorcing there was UNBELIEVABLE SHOCK from everyone. No one could believe it, no one could understand how this possibly happened with a couple that spend so much time together and were always so happy. In fact, even we are shocked that we're doing this.

Now I don't want this in any way. I believe the problems are fixable...trouble is she didn't ever implicitly tell me what needed to be done along the way until it was apparently too late. Instead she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear all the time. So I believed I was asking for her opinion on matters as a husband should, but instead of saying what she really felt, she said the opposite which, of course, now we know has some repercussions.
So I was given no time at all to address all the issues, instead they were thrown into my lap in one day after there appeared to be irreparable damage.
Now here's the problem, I know she loves me, I just no she does. Since we were such close friends first we are actually able to still live in our apartment together as we wait out the end of our lease in a couple months...this not only affords us the luxury of being able to help each other through this time as it's VERY VERY hard on both of us...we are in shock really that this has happened. Yet for some reason she's not interested in MC, not interest in talking about any possible R, she just wants to "go home, save some money, take care of my needs, and figure out what I want." When I asked her about counseling she basically said she's already been talking with her longtime shrink. She has been told she should be on an anti-depressant but she is dead set against them after she became hooked on them some years ago. She didn't want to be an addict so stopped taking them because she was feeling better anyway. I think what may have happened, and this is just a GUESS on my part being close to the situation, is my wife was complaining to her shrink about the continued money problems and how it's held back our dreams for so many years now. I think her shrink saw that she was having some issue and suggested she go back on the anti-depressant she tried so hard to beat. That is what "I suspect" really set off this whole thing. 

So now here we are living here together just as the friends we always were as we get our affairs in order for our departure. She seems dead set on divorcing fast as she "doesn't have the head to think of anyone else right now but herself"...she certainly doesn't want to think about what she will be feeling several months from now. She is ill-equipped to focus on anything but herself and finding her identity, what her interests are, etc. She still asks me for hugs, she still kisses me when I drop her off to work and says "I love you." In fact I just dropped her off a half hour ago and when she was getting out of the car she asked if she could kiss me. I said sure. She said it's just habit...you know. Then she started to ball a little bit. Then she called me when I got back home because when she went into work she learned she was getting an award tonight. When I congratulated her (you see, she *****es to me about her workday every day on our ride home, like tradition, and it's always about how hard she works with no recognition from coworkers.) So I was elated to hear she was up for an award for outstanding service and when I congratulated her enthusiastically she started balling a bit. What? You're getting an award...long overdue and deserved! So I don't know what that's all about but she is clearly "messed up " right now and it kills me. She keeps apologizing, I'm sorry for doing this...I am so, so sorry. I love you, I do love you but I just can't do this anymore...I need a break from the pressures of money and being a wife. Basically years of stress for us that was near-constant.

So I am just accepting it and planning to move and get settled elsewhere. My thinking is we've wanted out of this apartment for so many years (we've been here 17 years!) that this is our chance...even if it means being in separate places when we do, which obviously wasn't our initial plan. So I've decided to quit my disability case, get a job, and try to live through my ailments and earn a reliable and steady income...compared to the option of waiting on disability approval which, for all I know, could go on another year. As I said, the main reason we wanted to pursue it is because our plan was to move to a house or rent a house or a bigger place for a little less money in rent. She has a massive student loan that has been lingering over our heads for years now and if I got my back pay we would be able to get rid of it completely, get myself a car, etc...all the things you would do with money you got all at once that you were due every month of the process. So this was always our reason for struggle, it's so much money after 4 years of fighting to give up on, especially when my lawyer has been working on this case for 4 years for free, she gets nothing unless I do, so if she said let's do the next round of appeals...we prety much based our decision to keep fighting on my lawyer...after all she loses if we lose and if she's still fighting this hard 4 years later she really believes in my case.
However that matters not now because I myself am sick and tired of waiting so I am bailing. Social Security wins again.

In any event, the reason for my post is this. Am I wrong to give up on her? I sense she is still unsure yet she speaks as if she is sure. I am just rolling with it at this point and keeping the incredible pain I feel at bay. I'm doing a pretty good job of it but the uncertainty of being alone in some strange apartment is a bit unsettling to me. She'll be at her parents, but I will be going from a place I lived with a wife I absolutely adore to her core to a strange place without her and all alone. I am a pessimist to the core so of course I am giving up at this point, if she's already getting papers she's convinced herself that it will make her feel better. She has said to me that no one will ever love her the way I do, and that she knows that, and that one day she will probably regret this decision." She is sticking to her guns but I can see the pain on her face. One moment she's laughing on the phone with someone and the next she's nauseas or balling. So I am at a loss, I will do whatever she wants. The money issues would go away as soon as I started working again and we could finally move out of here. I personally believe ALL of this that she is experiencing has actually little to do with our relationship itself and more about the impact that lack of money had on it. 
So I believe this to be a money issue that stretched on far too long because of my case and the stress of unpaid rent and bills just finally fried her brain. I love her with all of my being, I would take a bullet for her...yet it seems I am helpless here. I am trying to be her friend since we always were close even before we married. I am just at a loss right now so I am focusing on finding a car, a job, and then an apartment because no matter what happens it is clear we are leaving this apartment. Does that mean in three months or 5 months or whatever that she won't suddenly realize she is "in love" me and want to get back together? Being a hopeless pessimist I say unlikely... but knowing how intense she once felt about me, and since that's really only a matter of less than a year ago out of our almost 14 year marriage, it's hard to grasp that this fixable damage could lead to something so devastating as a divorce. It's just a total shock I never saw coming and I can't help but feel this is a TERRIBLY drastic reaction. So I wanted to give you guys the facts and see what you all thought.

Sorry for the long post but you need all the info to properly asses the situation. Oh and I am 43, she is 44, no kids. Thanks everyone. Sad, sad times for me as I am apparently losing the massive love of my life soon and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Dear PRL. If I were not in a different place than I was two years ago when my WAW told me she did not love me any more, I would weep right now. In my heart I do for you. I too was in shock. I had no clue. I lost 10kg in two weeks from crying and shock. Believe me, I know.

She also said that she was not "in love" with me any more (though she loved/loves me as a person, father of the children, etc). She also "lost herself" and "did not know who she is". Did anyone say mid-life crises? Yup.

At the end of the day my friend it takes two to tango. Two to get married. But if just one wants out, there is nothing the other can do about it. Nothing. 

You are best to come to terms, go through the grieving process, do the 180 (for you), and get on with your life. You must. And you probably will find, in time, that you are much better off.

I do not mean to say that you need to forget the past. I do not mean to say that you should think it was a mistake. It happened. Life happened. And if the chance to reconcile is not given to you, all you can do is embrace the pain and move on.

I invite you to read through my thread started two years ago: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...love-me-wants-divorce-can-i-win-her-back.html

And I wish you fortitude and peace.

You will find many supportive brothers and sisters here.

And you WILL be better.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I don't understand why she doesn't want to just move to her parents and give it a few months of a separation to see how she feels living apart? But if her mind is made up then you have no choice here. 

You had many loving years, something some people never get. And you've proven that you can sustain a relationship, even if she can't or won't. I think after you work through the grief you will be ok in time.


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

I also feel your pain and know exactly what u r going through.

It seems all the more painful when there appears, in your mind, no tangible or logical reason or explanation for your wife to want to quit the marriage. 

I also went through a carbon copy situation like yours. I also had nowhere else to go except TAM. 

And like Eyesopen said it already, sadly there is absolutely nothing u can do if ur wife stops loving u and wants to quit the marriage. 

The only thing I would add from my part is this: make sure u leave no stone unturned to try and save your marriage....do what u can do even if the window of opportunity is extremely narrow. But exhaust each and every single avenue and opportunity if they still exist. Doing so may not win her back at the end of the day, but at least it will leave u confident that u did ur best....and that way ur path to having inner peace will be much smoother.

U r in a hard spot....and it does truly hurt....but time will heal all the pain....and the memories will fade...and ur new life will begin.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

eyesopen gave you the best advice. Read that thread. I read it and now have it bookmarked. I feel for you.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

She's been caretaking for you so much that she ended up forgetting that she has needs, pushing them aside, telling herself that you had problems that needed taking care of so she would do all the work and be the sole income. 

Your potential windfall is a promise in the wind that never blows. 

You became way too dependent upon her and she put up with it for far too long. She didn't tell you because it was part of her caretaking stuff.

She's lost respect for you as a man.

If I were you, I'd go get a job and start learning to take care of yourself for now. That other thing is a pipe dream and it destroyed your marriage more than likely. You are going to need to start doing things differently: start working. Start making friends (if you don't have many), start working out (if you've let yourself go a bit), get your appearance together, get a hobby in addition to work, and in general start building a life for yourself that shows you have some self-esteem and can take care of your self. 

Maybe she will see that change and want to return. That is highly unlikely. Once things get to that point, very few marriages seem to make it through. But you have a chance to better yourself regardless. Use this as an opportunity and you won't regret it. Sitting around thinking about this stuff all day and night is not going to do you any good. So definitely go get some work.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for these incredible replies. I do have an update for you. We actually had a really long talk the other night and she exploded (in a good way) yelling at me (releasing her anger with me...another good thing) and releasing/venting all her problems she'd had with me...and not one of them was unconfounded. Later that night we sat on the bed and said how much better we felt...her because she released all these things that have bothered her, and for me because at least I know exactly what went wrong. Let me just say this, the money issues (from the disability wait) were at the bottom of her list...apparently the reasons she cited involved other communication issue between us. So I have my list of things I did wrong. The main thing is she would agree with me (even though now I find out she didn't really agree in some of those instances) so I always walked away thinking I did the right thing as a husband...talked to my wife about an issue, and we come to a joint decision. 

Now since we are still living together amicably, I am just being her friend right now. We still enjoy each other's company. Of course the relationship comes up in some of our conversations but I try to keep it VERY light at this time...in fact, I try to change the subject. I don't "chase," I don't pressure her, I just play it cool as her friend. I mean she'll still call me into the room at times and ask for a hug and she still kisses me at the times she normally always did. She also informed me that she wants to keep my last name. So we clearly don't hate each other in any way.
The reason she didn't go with the separation as opposed to divorce is because in our state (MA) even once you are granted a divorce, there is a sox month window after before it's "finalized"...just in case we change our minds. So I would think that's a reasonable amount of time. We both agreed to still be "married" during this time as far as dating goes...besides neither of us in interested in that at all right now. So I did ask her the same question about separation since the issues she cited (my communication issues) are so easily fixed and it appears there's already a built-in waiting period anyway.

What I am doing now is making my plans, making an effort to take more pride in myself, and planning ways to cope with my ailments since I have to go back to work. Whether I want to get back with her or not is not important right now...what matters is that we make it through these two months here when we can then go our separate ways. I will tell you this as far as the 180 goes, I am about 98% certain that she will be calling me shortly after we officially go our own way...I know her like a book...and she will call. I am just acting as a friend at this point even though my heart tells me to grab her and kiss her. I am being strong because she certainly isn't going to like me any more if I am a source of grief right now. So instead I support her, I told her you have to think of yourself right now. Don't tell me who you just called on the phone, you don't have to tell me where you are going, etc. 
Our relationship has created a deep emotional connection between us. In spite of her actions right now, I really don't think she "really" wants to split. I think she is massively confused right now and she views divorce not rationally, but exclusively as her perceived only way to make her negative emotions go away...almost like she thinks it's the only magic pill left to make the pain she feels go away. I totally understand this though and I am of the mindset right now that I will just support her as a friend because either way, even if R is possible, we must move out of here first and live apart for awhile. So having said that, my priority right now is not saving my relationship...at least not yet. My priority is kick starting a better life for myself by becoming self-sufficient again...although my ailments make working very trying...the alternative isn't worth it. I told her had I known that our marriage was teetering on ending I would've went and got a job shoveling pig dung with a teaspoon for 40 hours a week if it meant keeping her. However as is always the case in these matters it seems...the offending spouse is the last to find out and it is usually too late...as in my case. The problem was her not speaking her mind, sticking up for herself. She has this problem in all areas of her life, not just me...and it led to her communication problem with me where she felt it was easier to convince me that she agreed as opposed to speaking her mind. 

So even though I thought it was the money issues that led to this, turns out there was another communication/behavioral problem we suffered from...she was too passive in voicing her real feelings and I was too dense to notice something was wrong.

Still, I am where I am now. I guess I am happy she can still tell me she loves me...that at least means she has emotion for me and perhaps in a few months, once I am a whole man again and once she clears her head...maybe the chemistry and passion we once had can be rekindled. We do have an intense bond between us, even now as we go through the worst time of our lives together. Time brings clarity. I will keep you guys posted as to how she behaves over the coming days. I know some of you are saying to let it go, and to a degree I am, but I am just not convinced in any way that she really wants this...not if our relatively easy problems to fix are the main problem (better communication and abandonment of the disability case.) 
So right now I am playing the friend role and leaving it at that...loose and casual as I think that's the best way to not create stress here and it also lets her know I am respecting er decision and making my own plans as well. I won't "chase" and make a pathetic and unattractive spectacle of myself. I know deep down she still loves me immensely, I just know it. However it's not my place to predict that, it's now her place to tell me that...and if she does she does, if she doesn't then I guess my question will be answered. 
Either way, my dream of that happening is not my focus right now...right now I want to only focus on getting a job fast and a new apartment. At this point anything else regarding her comes AFTER all of that. I will keep you posted guys. Thanks again for the replies and great insight here!
I appreciate the time it took to type your replies!


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Update:
I just came in from a long walk. She was on the couch on the phone with my parents. ???? All I caught was "he just walked in." Then as soon as she hung up the phone...she proceeded to SCREAM at me. "Where were you? We always leave notes! I come home, you're not here, I freak out. I had no idea where you are! I just called your parents to see if you were there!" She spent the night at her parents' last night to "try and get used to it." So I got up, showered, and went out for a walk. (This is also good for my herniated disc as well as my state of mind.) She came home while I was out walking still. CRIPES! I basically told her, you best get used to NOT worrying about me babe! What the hell was THAT? I got blasted.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

PRL said:


> Update:
> I just came in from a long walk. She was on the couch on the phone with my parents. ???? All I caught was "he just walked in." Then as soon as she hung up the phone...she proceeded to SCREAM at me. "Where were you? We always leave notes! I come home, you're not here, I freak out. I had no idea where you are! I just called your parents to see if you were there!" She spent the night at her parents' last night to "try and get used to it." So I got up, showered, and went out for a walk. (This is also good for my herniated disc as well as my state of mind.) She came home while I was out walking still. CRIPES! I basically told her, you best get used to NOT worrying about me babe! What the hell was THAT? I got blasted.


PRL;

In your prior post you say you have "an intense bond" etc etc.
Really? Are you clear about what you think you had and still may have? (methinks not).

It is entirely possible that you are simply codependent and don't realize it.

Eject abort and get on with your life.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Well as far as codependency goes, he is not the care taker here...his wife has been. She sounds that way for sure. The relationship is unhealthy and has been for a while. The dynamic seems to be that she takes care of him, providing largely for his physical, emotional, and financial needs, while he gives a little back to her but mostly receives what she gives, which she has done as a duty, putting her own needs to the side for a long time and making sure his are met.

That sounds like she is codependent and he is the other side of the equation in that relationship. Definitely not the person who puts his own needs to the side. That seems to have developed over time since the accident he had.

Now she wants this dynamic to change, and has wanted it to change for a while. She can see that she is unhappy and trying to fill his needs is not going to work for their relationship. She needs space to try to learn how to care for herself rather than another person. 

But codependency can be a nasty thing because it is also about control. That came out with the yelling about not leaving a note even when she is not there.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Well let me clear here guys, we ALWAYS talked about her being the breadwinner...always. We talked about it near constantly. No decision ever was made without mutual discussion. She never spoke her opinion honestly throughout our relationship, she regrets not telling me. Also, there was a 2 year period when she was out of work and I supported the household. So this wasn't a case of me just skating by, we had a definitive plan this year as to how much longer we were going to wait. Also my my family has helped us a lot financially as well. But make no mistake, had I known she needed anything, I would've taken a bullet for her...she just hid everything and never told me. I never would have let this get to this point because it isn't worth it...and that's not my hindsight being 20/20...she knows how much I love her and that I would do anything for here. Every single disability decision we made we sat down as husband and wife and thoroughly discussed. We formulated a plan and went on. It was never going to be this indefinite thing. However I was never told anything and she feels bad about that because I would've done WHATEVER it took, I don't care if I was crawling into work every morning. We both didn't communicate properly. My disability case was my theory in my initial post here...but after that post she told me EVERYTHING she's been holding in. We both felt better after. But it wasn't the disability case at this point because we both were in agreement that September 1st, 2014 was the day we officially washed our hands of it. Just wanted to be clear on that guys! Thanks for the advice as well.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are too much of a nice guy. Read MMSLP.

Are you able to have sex?

If you are in constant agony from back pain, that is not sexy for her to be around.

Are you able to exercise at all?

Are you overweight?


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

PRL said:


> ...she just hid everything and never told me.


Friend, this is sadly often the case with women. The disability case and dealing with it were most likely just symptoms of the larger issue. My own WAW _never_ sat me down and said listen here there is a problem with our relationship, my feelings, etc and if we don't fix it this is not going to last. Never.

I believe I can understand your feelings about how you would "take a bullet for her" but believe me, it is entirely plausible that in a while you will not feel this way. You may, very well, come to realize in ways that you have not before, once the emotion and stress clear, just how bad/wrong/dysfunctional the relationship was or, conversely, how better off you both can/will be with someone more suitable. I know you probably can't hear/see this now. God knows I could not. But believe it to be true.

Mind you, this does not say your years together were meaningless. No way. What happened was supposed to happen. But sometimes, life turns upside down and mixes things up so that in the end you are in a place which is more proper for you.

All will come to pass and all will be well.

Peace.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

indiecat said:


> I don't understand why she doesn't want to just move to her parents and give it a few months of a separation to see how she feels living apart? But if her mind is made up then you have no choice here.


Thanks Indiecat, I appreciate it. Yeah, I agree but that's really what she'll be doing anyway as we can call off the divorce within 6 months...and by then, we'll know if there's any chance at R. I think there is, our love was very deep-rooted. We wouldn't be able to still be living together here...there's no anger between us at all...just great, great sorrow.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> You are too much of a nice guy. Read MMSLP.
> 
> Are you able to have sex?
> 
> ...


No, and I wish I could post a pic of us so you can see...we were a good looking couple, her better than me, but alas. No I am not overweight and I am not a crippled disabled person. I can walk, have sex, drive, etc. I'd rather not share that info but suffice to say she used to get mad when waitresses and such would talk to me a bit too long, or smile a bit too much. I personally don't see it...but no, we NEVER had problems in the bedroom...ah contrare! Not until about 3 months ago.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think your wife does love you but your current relationship isn't healthy. She's tired of being your caretaker and doesn't respect you as a man, like Arent said. That is the source of being "in love" for us women, and she doesn't have it. At the same time though she's used to the caretaker role, that's why she freaks out when she can't find you. That's how you treat a child, not a spouse. Caretaker relationships are incompatible with healthy, passionate marriages.

Work on yourself as a man and maybe things can be rekindled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think your wife does love you but your current relationship isn't healthy. She's tired of being your caretaker and doesn't respect you as a man, like Arent said. That is the source of being "in love" for us women, and she doesn't have it. At the same time though she's used to the caretaker role, that's why she freaks out when she can't find you. That's how you treat a child, not a spouse. Caretaker relationships are incompatible with healthy, passionate marriages.
> 
> Work on yourself as a man and maybe things can be rekindled.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This reply seems closest to my situation and hit home with what's happening here regarding her and myself, thanks life is short. Yes, and I'd like to add that she also has the same problem she has with me with others, her parents, friends, etc...like all that matters is everyone else but herself. She said she's been "secretive" like that with everyone. So I'm not entirely sure this is our "marriage" problem per se. I think the love of my life has an all-emcompassing problem. Of course I made my share of mistakes not noticing and I am indeed shaping up and just biting the bullet and getting back to being the man I was. I would've done anything for her...taken a bullet.
She keeps calling me in there from the computer to tell me how scared she is. I hate to see her like this.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PRL said:


> This reply seems closest to my situation and hit home with what's happening here regarding her and myself, thanks life is short. Yes, and I'd like to add that she also has the same problem she has with me with others, her parents, friends, etc...like all that matters is everyone else but herself. She said she's been "secretive" like that with everyone. So I'm not entirely sure this is our "marriage" problem per se. I think the love of my life has an all-emcompassing problem. Of course I made my share of mistakes not noticing and I am indeed shaping up and just biting the bullet and getting back to being the man I was. I would've done anything for her...taken a bullet.
> She keeps calling me in there from the computer to tell me how scared she is. I hate to see her like this.



You're welcome! It probably is a bigger problem then just your marriage, but it's still a marital problem. And in fairness to her, if caretaking is her natural inclination she may not have realized she was disconnecting so the blindsiding wasn't intentional. I'm the same way to some degree, my family was quite dysfunctional growing up so I took care of a lot. I can't tell you how safe I feel and how hot it is that my husband handles things, and I make more money then him (not a ton). We share finances but otherwise he handles a lot; strong, caring men and passion go together.

I think you guys can make it; put yourself together and don't give up. Take charge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

WOW! The wife and I just had a great in-depth talk about co-dependency. We figure the problem is...she feels bad because she initiated me filing for disability 4 years ago because she kept seeing my health deteriorate. I was working two jobs, trying to care for my parents health issues, etc...just doing a lot. She encouraged me to continue fighting the case. Well being she's co-dependent (and is with everyone really) what was happening here was a cancerous double threat. By caring so much for me, she enabled me to become less of a man. By her NOT caring enough about herself, she is where she is now. I told her that I am more like your child when you live like that, I am not a child, I am a man. She says she started to look at me as her child, thus the understandable..."not IN love anymore."
Yeah I have some physical/skeletel problems and suffer from horrid headaches, but I am not crippled by any means. 
She said that the way it's been we were holding each other back...I held her back from knowing and enjoying herself and she held back from allowing me to be a man by being so doting. I fault myself for allowing that, I just wasn't even thinking in that mindset then regarding my disability case...I was thinking, as always , we came to a mutual agreement about that. It was a really nice chat with her. No matter what at least we are good friends. Our marriage didn't end in adultery and violence...just people who love each other deeply but just hurt each other more than we helped each other. It's really breaking our hearts but at this point, we need OUT of this apartment, we've wanted it for SOOOO many years....watching other tenants move in, then others move out, and we're stuck here for so many years. So we are going to enjoy moving out of here together at the end of June, in spite of the circumstances. We both are in agreement that we both assembled this world, so it should be both of us that disassembles it..together. A fitting and classy end to our marriage, that's how we feel, we owe it to ourselves for the years we had. We both need time to devote only to self-improvement now before we can be good for each other, or anyone else. Of course R is the ultimate glory but right now I need to get myself on track no matter what anyway.
Thanks for the time with the replies guys! Much appreciated!


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Oh sorry, missed your reply life is short...thank you as well for your thoughtful posts here. I appreciate it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Best of luck to you both 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Thanks life is short. I'll report back with any significant updates as I hate when I read a thread of a progressing story that suddenly ends and OP is gone LOL!


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Just an update guys. Well, something is going down with her...and it's not bad it doesn't seem. Ever since we had that talk yesterday about her co-dependency issue and my far-too-willing-to-accept-it and the problems it's created in our relationship (see previous posts) she seems to be much happier now. She seems like her old self. She's almost making it completely obvious that she still loves me and wants to be with me but it's like she catches herself and does an about face. Not in a mean way, it's more like this example. We were talking about the future and, of course, she's referring to my future women (I think this seems to be her more trying to convince herself that this is the right choice to D) and somewhere in that conversation I said, "Yeah, I can have a harem now!" LOL! Well, as soon as I said that she made a face she makes when she's displeased with me. LOL! Of course I was busting her chops and she knew it. She kissed me this morning when I dropped her off...and then quickly followed that up with a "as a friend" with a smug look on her face.
Now, knowing her as I do, I think she is starting to realize that this isn't what she wants to do. The smiles she gives me, you guys know what I mean...the things in an intimate relationship that you just "know"...I can see something different in her eyes...if that makes any sense. I mean we still definitely need to separate for a bit to fix ourselves, but I really think that conversation we had yesterday really hit home with her...as in we've identified the exact problems we had. So of course I am playing along with her and taking what she gives and that's it...I do not seek anything. For example she'll hold my hand and then look visibly confused and then let go saying "I can't hold it for long...it's too hard." Sounds to me like she's resisting temptation to collapse into my arms but no matter. If she wants it, she needs to come get it at this point as I do nothing but be her friend now. She did mention that we need to "sign those papers" this morning but again, I really feel like that was said more to convince herself that she made the right choice and less about her actually "really" wanting to sign them...I could be totally wrong here...but that's what my gut tells me.
Still, I can't help but wonder how we are going to make it through two more months of living together without her changing her mind by then, considering how she was all day yesterday and this morning. She doesn't want to move in with her parents yet because it's busy time at her job and she'd rather have some stability here. Now some may say that she may be using me for the apartment...however you can skip that because this is HER apartment now as she pays for it so it would be me that would be asked to leave. 
So I think she's having doubts but doesn't want to admit it to me or more importantly, herself. After all, it's only been 8 days since she came home and dropped this bomb on me. 
However I am of the mindset right now that I don't really care what's going on in her head because I need to get a car and a job...because no matter what's in her head...the car and job are paramount for me. So I am not thinking too much into it...whatever will be will be. Que sera sera right?
Oh and by the way, today is/was our 13th Wedding Anniversary. This morning she started to say something to me and then stopped herself by saying "No, I can't say that." Then after I made her say it she said "I was going to say happy anniversary but..." We just smiled and moved on from the discussion.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Caretaking/codependency issues a side, her ups and downs and mood swings are suspicious. Especially when you both have acknowledged your issues through conversations but the behaviors continue. So what is she really struggling with?

I would be cautiously optimistic. You could be Plan B while she's finishing her exit strategy.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> Caretaking/codependency issues a side, her ups and downs and mood swings are suspicious. Especially when you both have acknowledged your issues through conversations but the behaviors continue. So what is she really struggling with?
> 
> I would be cautiously optimistic. You could be Plan B while she's finishing her exit strategy.


I don't really see that...I see her now thinking more of herself since we talked. She is making efforts to improve her co-dependency and whenever I see signs of it I remind her and she alter her behavior. It's been less than 24 hours since we even had the talk so I don't expect total change overnight. All I'm saying is she's been totally different since yesterday. Also, in fairness to her, she is traumatized over this. So I don't expect her to be emotionally perfect right now. What I am saying is that since our talk yesterday it's like she's different now. As far as me being Plan B, that's highly unlikely since this is her apartment...she could throw me out...she's not...she's also not staying at her parents as much as I think she was going to. So I don't see how "Plan B" is even possible, this is her apartment and she doesn't need me here to continue with her plan. I am not really "optimistic" at all. I mean, yeah, I'd love for her to stay, but I can't focus, desire, nor worry about that right now...I have more important things to worry about like fixing my own flawed self right now. Nothing else matters until I fix myself so that's all I am focusing my energies on. I come here to vent to you wonderful people and then I am fine. I've been very strong the past few days and I am amazed at how well I feel considering all that's going on...but I'll go with it. If she wants me, she's going to need to earn it now because I am not focused on that at all...it's a hope, dream, and desire...but I need to get a job and a car...not dream all day. Thanks for listening you guys!


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> So what is she really struggling with?


Oh so sorry Pictureless...to answer this...my feeling is prior to yesterday's big talk...she was struggling with why she fell out of love. Why she felt she had no identity. I think she is now struggling with something else, what to do now that she knows what the problems were. Only she can figure that out. That's what I feel is going on in her head..uncertainty.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

PRL said:


> Oh so sorry Pictureless...to answer this...my feeling is prior to yesterday's big talk...she was struggling with why she fell out of love. Why she felt she had no identity. I think she is now struggling with something else, what to do now that she knows what the problems were. Only she can figure that out. That's what I feel is going on in her head..uncertainty.


If she doesn't love you who does she love? She could be uncertain between EA and PA.

They don't say and it's impossible to read minds. So watch what she does instead of listening to what she says.

In the meantime put you first because this doesn't sound so good.


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> If she doesn't love you who does she love? She could be uncertain between EA and PA.
> 
> They don't say and it's impossible to read minds. So watch what she does instead of listening to what she says.
> 
> In the meantime put you first because this doesn't sound so good.


Thanks Pictureless. No, there's no other guy, either physically or emotionally. This was all us, as I said, this is a unique divorce, we are really close friends too. She would tell me, we have too much respect for each other. We also always had a pact that if temptation ever came calling, that we would talk to the other spouse about it without fear of being yelled at. We were a married couple yes, but we are still REALLY great friends, so we often talked about things "unorthodox" during our marriage that other married couples avoid talking about like a taboo. So we are honest with each other about potential human sexual weakness and such. We are very close in that way, we just can't thrive as a married couple anymore under these conditions...it's impossible. 

So yeah, as I said earlier, I'm not thinking of R either way really at this point, at least not as an important item. That's akin to me worrying about the paying the cable bill I'll get in 6 months instead of the one in the unpaid pile now. So separating is needed for us now, in any and all scenarios anyway. So I am just prepping to fly solo. We're getting along as friends which is the main thing...we had a special relationship before our unconscious problems reared their ugly side effects and effectively killed our marriage. So onward and upwards. No papers yet, she keeps pushing them under the mail. Not asking her about it, not doing anything but talking when she wants to and either packing or looking for work, car, and apartment. If she presents the papers I will sign it and be done with it. This is where my first lesson in becoming the man I was comes...screw my emotions and love at this point, I want to be self-sufficient again. I don't have time to be sad and cry/mourn, etc. It's terribly redundant and unproductive. Accept loss, move on. Did my crying and all that the first two days after the bomb was dropped and got it out of my system. Now I simply control my emotions and allow my logic to dominate my mind. That's the part of me I need most right now.
Thanks for the advice Pictureless.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

PRL said:


> Thanks Pictureless. No, there's no other guy, either physically or emotionally. This was all us, as I said, this is a unique divorce, we are really close friends too. She would tell me, we have too much respect for each other. We also always had a pact that if temptation ever came calling, that we would talk to the other spouse about it without fear of being yelled at. We were a married couple yes, but we are still REALLY great friends, so we often talked about things "unorthodox" during our marriage that other married couples avoid talking about like a taboo. So we are honest with each other about potential human sexual weakness and such. We are very close in that way, we just can't thrive as a married couple anymore under these conditions...it's impossible.
> 
> So yeah, as I said earlier, I'm not thinking of R either way really at this point, at least not as an important item. That's akin to me worrying about the paying the cable bill I'll get in 6 months instead of the one in the unpaid pile now. So separating is needed for us now, in any and all scenarios anyway. So I am just prepping to fly solo. We're getting along as friends which is the main thing...we had a special relationship before our unconscious problems reared their ugly side effects and effectively killed our marriage. So onward and upwards. No papers yet, she keeps pushing them under the mail. Not asking her about it, not doing anything but talking when she wants to and either packing or looking for work, car, and apartment. If she presents the papers I will sign it and be done with it. This is where my first lesson in becoming the man I was comes...screw my emotions and love at this point, I want to be self-sufficient again. I don't have time to be sad and cry/mourn, etc. It's terribly redundant and unproductive. Accept loss, move on. Did my crying and all that the first two days after the bomb was dropped and got it out of my system. Now I simply control my emotions and allow my logic to dominate my mind. That's the part of me I need most right now.
> Thanks for the advice Pictureless.


Wow PRL... I was in the same place about 1.5 year ago... but it took me several months to get to the enlightened state you're in now. Good work mate 

BTW, not so unique divorce... lots of things you say ring a bell... no affairs either... friendly... agreeable... def lack of good communication.

But no money problems or anything like that... so I think your idea that this wasn't the root cause of your current problems may very well be correct.

Hang in there buddy! You're on the right path! (except that I suspect you're downplaying your hopes/expectations of R right now, but even if this is the case, that's ok )


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## PRL (May 1, 2014)

EasyPartner said:


> Wow PRL... I was in the same place about 1.5 year ago... but it took me several months to get to the enlightened state you're in now. Good work mate
> 
> BTW, not so unique divorce... lots of things you say ring a bell... no affairs either... friendly... agreeable... def lack of good communication.
> 
> ...


Thanks Easy Partner! Yeah, we've been talking more. She was too timid to talk to me so she held a lot of stuff in, I made it hard for her to talk to me...so we weren't helping each other. Yeah, I'm a very logical guy, I usually don't have much time for emotion over things I can't control, it's a nuisance. I need to immediately solve the problem...job, car, apartment...and I think I found the car part today. Onward and upwards, I love her and sure, of course a R would be ideal, but it's merely relegated to being a "dream" in my head at this point since that's what it appears it is...and as such, dreaming doesn't get me independent...DOING does. I want to be on my own now because we do need to be apart. Then whatever happens down the road happens. That's all I've got left emotionally right now. Thanks for the reply!


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