# After the affair...



## selfiesarah (Nov 20, 2012)

I have been with my husband for 25 years. I now realise that during this time he has never really cared about me and always put himself first. He has done some awful insensitive things to me and been very controlling. I spent years and years feeling unloved and unworthy but trying to make him happy. Finally I gave up...and then he had an affair.

The affair is now over and he says he thinks has never loved me - which I agree with now that my eyes are open to the terrible imbalance in our relationship. He wants to go to counselling to find out why he's Mr Nice Guy to everyone but me (he's never been violent but he is very controlling and sometimes he would be verbally abusive to me in front of our kids).

It's only been a week since he ended his affair with a woman he said was madly in love with and in that time he looks like he's aged about 10 years. He ended the affair because I found their emails which revealed he'd been lying to both me and his lover. 

I keep telling him to go be with her if she means that much to him but he says he doesn't want to! He wants to go to marriage counselling and therapy for himself. 

True to form though, he's completely focused on himself. He did say sorry for the affair once, but he's done nothing in the past week to acknowledge my pain. He's not asked how I am coping with the aftermath of what he's done. He's not asked how I am or reassured me things will change or done so much as make me a cup of tea. Instead he's just moping around like a lost puppy and looks on the verge of tears all the time.

He says he doesn't know who he is anyone and doesn't like the person he's become. Sometimes I feel this is a good sign, but then I doubt myself & wonder if it's a ploy to make me feel bad.

Despite his ease at hurting me, I still find it very hard to see him in pain like this. I am deliberately holding myself back though and encouraging him to talk to his father until he can see the therapist.

I feel like the only thing that can save our marriage is for him to start putting in some real effort, but how much time should I give him to snap out of his self pity? 

I want to give him a chance to change but I'm also impatient to get on with my life and heal.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He'll snap something, one way or another, once you get an attorney and begin a legal separation!

I have to tell you while reading your post, I had the thought that he's only manipulating you to save himself lots of money in divorce. If he admits to never loving you, what on earth could be the foundation of keeping your marriage together except to protect assets? If he has ended the affair, and it sounds like she might have dumped him if he's so inconsolable, it doesn't mean he did it for you. By what your say, it sounds like he hasn't even begun to think about you.

Why would you think that's a man you should stay with?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

S, post this in "coping with infidelity". Lots of people have been through similar situations and the folks there give some great advice and insight.
Keep posting and talking, it helps.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I’m tending to agree with Pink with the limited information we have. My question would be the same, if he says he has no love for you but want to go to marriage counseling. Does he feel that he had the love but he let it go because of the OW and he can get it back with counseling? Be careful, I’ve been through this. My stbxh's EA lasted almost 7 years after I thought it had ended. I had a good friend that your case sounds more like her's and the OW broke up with her husband. They are doing fine now but he was very depressed for a couple years at the loss of the ow and it was very hard to watch my friend go through that. I would go to the MC and ask your H some tough questions to see if you want to continue.


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