# What next?



## hsrge (Jul 8, 2011)

Hi, I'm hoping that some objective opinions will help me decide what to do next. I'm not sure if my marriage is over or not or if I should continue to fight for it. I'm not ready to give up yet and would fight forever if it is going to do any good but if its truly over then I need to face that and try to start to move on.

Okay, my story. I have been married to my husband for 16 years and we have 5 kids, aged 13 to 2. I thought we had a great marriage. He was/is my best friend and I tell him everything. We don't fight, no sex problems and have same values and a lot in common. In January of 2010 he informed me that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married to me any more. This came out of the blue to me. Total shock. This happened on a Friday and we talked and I cried for two days and on Sunday he left. He stayed gone for half a day and decided that he didn't want to leave after all. He came home on Monday and promised that he would never leave again. I changed somewhat but then fell back into same old same old and a year later, in January of this year, he decided that he might want out again. Again I begged, pleaded, cried, talked and he finally decided (after putting me through hell for two weeks) that he would stay but that he needed to get out for a while so he went to stay with his mama for a week and a half, always with the intention of coming back but just to be away for a while. He came back and things really did change. I started doing lots of things for him that before I wouldn't have done like making his coffee and just trying to anticipate his every need. Now I should say here that throughout the years we have both taken care of each other. He has told me the whole past year and half that this has been going on that I'm a good wife. Its not me, its him, that kind of thing. I cook, take great care of the kids, do laundry. He works, I'm a stay at home mom for the past 3 years. Money is very tight. I've been begging him to talk to me and tell me what the issues are because I can't fix it if I don't know what is wrong. The last time when he came back he promised that he would continue to be open with me and talk about his issues but he NEVER did. He clams up when I try to talk about anything deep. He started telling me he loved me before I would say it and acted very much like things were okay. I knew that he still wasn't "in love with me" but thought things were going well. Last week, from one day to the next, no warning whatsoever, he stopped with the "I love you's" and started acting funny again. Now here we are again with the I'm not sure if he is staying or going. I had told myself that if we got in this position again that I was just going to tell him to go because I'm giving him so much power over all of this and I need to stand up for myself. He is making me miserable but when it comes down to it I cannot tell him to leave. I love him very much and always have. He still says that he loves me as a person, doesn't want anything bad to happen to me ever, would do everything he could to help me if I needed him and we were divorced, thinks I'm a great mom and wouldn't do anything to keep kids from me (not that he could). I'm so confused. He says that he was very very much in love with me when we got married but that years of not being sure that I loved him have made him not have the same feelings for me. Says he has pretended for YEARS, a really long time, like 13 years, he supposedly has been pretending to be "in love". He finally just revealed all of this to me about two days ago. I think maybe finally we are getting to the bottom of it. He's been telling me for a year and a half that he doesn't want to hurt me so he's not telling me anything bad. Finally I think he has maybe gotten everything out. There has been no infidelity on either side.

So I guess my question is, can he get the "in love feelings back" based on the fact that we have similar interests, hopes, both love our kids very much, get along good, enjoy each others company, or is it too far gone? I've lost 50 pounds since January 1 (still have more to lose), started back to college and am trying to make an appointment with a counselor for myself for as soon as possible. I cry constantly, haven't been eating well, don't sleep and wouldn't get out of bed if it weren't for the kids. I'm trying to focus on fixing what's wrong with me and hope that it will make him want to be a part of it.

I know this is long and I don't know if I've even covered everything. If you read this and have any advice, I would appreciate an outside voice so, so much. I'll be happy to answer any questions that maybe I left out.

Thank you!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think what makes a marriage relationship most painful is when certain subjects are off limits; one partner doesn't want to discuss ANYTHING that has to do with feelings about the relationship, feelings about themselves, etc. In other words, one or both parties don't want to be vulnerable for fear of being rejected/hurt.

I can only speculate here, but it sounds like your husband's abrupt departures had to do with his inability to be comfortable speaking to you directly about his lack of love for you. My take on it is love doesn't always have that much to do with feelings, contrary to what we're led to believe. 

Can you be more specific about what he feels you didn't do over the years that have led him to conclude he wasn't sure you loved him? You had your hands full raising children ...does he feel you neglected his needs?


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## hsrge (Jul 8, 2011)

He says that I am a negative person, which I do not dispute. I have always lived for tomorrow, can't be happy with today. Anyway, he says that over the years he has felt like he just can't make me happy. When really I have been very happy with him, he just didn't get that feeling. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, intead of telling me over the years how I was making him feel, he just bottled it up until it has led us to where we are now. I'm not blaming him and gladly take at least half the blame here but also feel like if he had just told me then things could have been averted a long time ago. He says that he has never felt like he can talk to me. He feels stupid actually says that he is stupid but is able to fake it enough to get by. He is not stupid! He is actually one of the smartest people I know, maybe not book wise but life wise. He has been a deputy sheriff for about two years now and he finished top of his class at the academy. Made 100's on all the tests. Its in his mind but that is where it matters. Anyway, he says that he always feels stupid around me because I am so smart and that he doesn't feel he can communicate with me. He says I don't do anything to make him feel stupid, its just the way he feels. I asked him if we divorced and he started dating somebody else that he really really liked, wouldn't he feel stupid around them too. Idk what his answer was to that question (he doesn't talk to me) but I hoped maybe it would help him think about taking the problems that there are with our relationship into another one if he doesn't try to fix what is wrong with us.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you for your honest response. Whew! lots of baggage between the two of you. I'm no therapist, but having been married to a guy whose self-esteem was in the toilet, I can tell you it sounds like your husband has the same problem. 

As far as your negativity goes, I don't know its degree. Obviously, it was enough to cause your husband to distance himself or feel he couldn't do anything to make you happy. A lot of people are feeling somewhat negative in this economy, due to losing a job, a house, a needed income. 

It almost sounds like you two have interlocking dysfunctions that perpetuate the problem; him with a lack of self-esteem, feeling he's stupid and can't be enough for you, and you being difficult (I'm assuming) to please about a lot of things.

I'm not a therapist, so I'm tossing out these ideas based on what you have written. At this point, would your husband be agreeable to IC and MC? JMO, but I think both of you need to dig around inside to find out what triggers your feelings. It just sounds like this is a lot of junk that has been stuffed down inside from way back when ...

Do you think your husband would be willing to give counseling a try if you approached him and admitted your part in the marriage breakdown? It doesn't sound as if your marriage is worth throwing out yet. Hope this helps a bit.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

The key here is that you both have to want the marriage to work. His continued "I'm going to go; no wait, I'm going to stay" behavior is very emotionally hurtful to you I'm sure. I would agree with others that marriage counseling would be helpful to you both. He may need individual counseling as well. I can sympathize with you...someone in my family is very insecure and the moods, up, down, up, down, are draining.


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## hsrge (Jul 8, 2011)

He refuses counseling at this point. I don't know if he will ever reconsider but I doubt it. I've had such a hard time getting out of him his reasoning (my negativity and the fact that he hasn't felt in love for years). It took me literally a year and half to get that little bit. I don't see him talking to a stranger about it. However, I start counseling on Monday and am optimistic (delusional?) that he may see that it is helping me and decide to go too. I think he does want the marriage to work. His words to me are "I haven't gone anywhere" but there is always that implied "yet" on the end or maybe I'm just hearing that. Its amazing and scary to me how absolutely dependent I am on his moods though. I cried almost constantly yesterday until he left for work (he's on nights right now) and he hugged me and said that he was still here and I was fine for the rest of the night. I need to be able to make myself happy without depending on his moods. I do think that he is convinced that he would probably not be any happier anywhere else though and I do feel like the fact that he finally opened up to that degree is a good sign. I just hope I'm not fooling myself. Sometimes he says he is only staying for the kids and sometimes he says that he staying a little for me. When he left the last time for a week and a half he said that he missed me way more than he thought he would but no four months later he says he thinks he just missed the routine of it and was afraid of the newness and having to stay with his mother. That is my biggest problem I think, I don't know what to believe any more. It's not that he's lying, he's just really confused and he doesn't even know what he's thinking. Sorry I'm so wordy. I just don't have anybody to talk to about this as he was my best friend for years and he is my go to guy with my problems. Thanks for your replies so far.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hsrge said:


> I've had such a hard time getting out of him his reasoning (my negativity and the fact that he hasn't felt in love for years). It took me literally a year and half to get that little bit.


He's not a talker. He's not open about what he feels. There are people who are detached. It's a facet of their personality, and they tend to back in and out of relationships. He may just be someone who has this detached streak as part of his personality. It sounds like he is a good provider, but he's not into examining what he feels or why he feels it. Trying to get something out of a person who isn't comfortable examining what makes them tick can lead them to feel they're being nagged. It could be that his view of you being negative is based on you trying to extract from him why he behaves as he does. Just a thought to throw out there ...



hsrge said:


> Its amazing and scary to me how absolutely dependent I am on his moods though.


That's an important insight. It's also one of the key characteristics of codependency. Suggestion: pick up a copy of Melodie Beatty's book, Codependent No More. I think you would find it helpful and enlightening. 



hsrge said:


> Sometimes he says he is only staying for the kids and sometimes he says that he staying a little for me. When he left the last time for a week and a half he said that he missed me way more than he thought he would but no four months later he says he thinks he just missed the routine of it and was afraid of the newness and having to stay with his mother.


Ouch. Well, he's being honest, but I understand that having him tell you he just missed the "routine" could leave you hurting. This sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, but also like he doesn't express himself with tact. If he's this conflicted about what he wants, has you tied up in knots, and is unwilling to get counseling, the burden falls on you to sort out what it is you want out of this marriage. Through counseling, you may find out eventually that he's not it.



hsrge said:


> It's not that he's lying, he's just really confused and he doesn't even know what he's thinking ... he was my best friend for years and he is my go to guy with my problems.


This has me confused. Personally, my "go to guy" wouldn't be someone who is confused and doesn't know what he's thinking. When I'm seeking clarity for issues, I go to someone who has a lot of clarity and insight themselves. I'd suggest you start to broaden your circle of friends and expose yourself to people who are more open. Perhaps you really aren't with your best friend after all. JMO.


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## hsrge (Jul 8, 2011)

I guess what I meant was that I thought he was my best friend and he was always my go to guy in the past. Not now. And I thought he was my best friend but apparently I wasn't his. I actually have a very strong support system. I have a group of 12 friends that I talk to every day and we do things together at least once a month. I'm also close to my mother and his. I don't really feel comfortable talking about this a lot with them though because I could talk about it 24 hours a day and I don't want to run everybody off! Also its uncomfortable talking about such personal stuff with people I'm going to have to be with after this is all over. I really came here for outside opinions from people who don't know either of us. And I thank you very much for being willing to discuss it with me. I'll definitely be looking for the book you mentioned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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