# How do I get my man to take charge in the bedroom?



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

How do I get my husband to be more assertive in bed? 

If I heard him talk to "the guys" I'm sure he would complain that his wife is not interested in sex. But far from it!! I'm just not interested in his type of passive sex. 

As a woman I'm all for initiating and being in the "on top" position as I know its his favorite. But every single time? I'm always the one who has to suggest another one and he does it reluctantly - if at all. 

To initiate - here's what he does - 95% of the time: TV on in bed (not my idea), in the middle of a show, he'll just grab my boob and start nipple play or he'll shove his hand down my pyjamas and starts rubbing with no lubrication (that actually hurts). No kissing, no cuddling, no other foreplay. So at this point I either have to pull his hand away and say no, stop him long enough to get myself lubricated so he can continue, or stop him and give him a BJ instead. Those 3 choices, EVERY TIME. 
So, if things do progress, he does a good job getting me to orgasm - I'll give him credit there. Then he lies back and I have to take over - either get on top or a BJ. Sometimes he orgasms, sometimes he doesn't. 

So I've lost interest entirely at this point. We have no intimacy outside of the bedroom either. No cuddling, kissing or handholding. I'm not sure which came first- the lack of luster in the bedroom or out. 

Maybe TMI, but there it is. Any suggestions? Don't say therapy because he won't do it :-(


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

And what has he said when you've told him this?

If you haven't had that talk, just find a neutral time (outside the bedroom) and tell him. "Husband, our sex life is having issues, and here are the reasons why. I need x, y, and z and what you are doing is a, b, and c, and those are not working for me. I need to be warmed up. I need you to take charge sometimes and show me you desire me enough to take me, not wait to be serviced. Is there something wrong with us? Talk to me and let's work this out, it will be better for both of us."

Would he be willing to have that talk? Would he overreact or get emotional or yell at you about it? Would he acknowledge the lack of non-sexual attention?

If the answers to all these problems is "no," and the fact that he won't do counseling, you have a larger problem in the marriage - one that has to do with communication and basic respect. But I would start there.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sit him down, grab his hands, smile and tell him EXACTLY what you would like to improve in the intimacy department. Tell him this is very important to you!

DO NOT talk to him if you are angry, upset or give off ANY Negative vibe. You have to really set your mind to a positive state and be optimistic about it.

Then watch and see if it improves.

Rinse and recycle (it might take few tries)....but keep telling him EXACTLY what you would like.

If he loves you and cares, he WILL deliver.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Two options:

1. Talk to him and come up with a plan to be more aggressive
2. Go the other way and you Boss him around from the bottom. When he does his "regular" moves, say hell no, and just start telling him what you want and let it evolve naturally from there. 

Either way, Just make sure you communicate afterward about what you and he liked or didn't like.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Thanks for replying. 
I wish we had that open form of communication. But whenever I bring up anything that I'm concerned about- and I know not to do it in the heat of the moment - I always bring it up calmly and try to be rational and considerate - he shuts down. Completely. I've never experienced this before with any other mate - or friend. 
He'll just stare at me. If I ask him if he's happy about how things are going? Nothing. No verbal response. Just staring. Again, I try to keep calm, although I must say this frustrates me to no end so I can't say I've been perfect in that. 

I don't believe I've ever broached the sexual subject head on.
And that's probably because when I've brought up any other issue I get the deer in the headlights look with no response - no argument, disagreement, agree to try harder, nothing. I've certainly said that the TV is distracting and could he try a little lubricating, or more foreplay (I've made specific suggestions), again, I've showed him the positions I like (but he never initiates them) but not actually sitting down and having a full-on discussion outside the bedroom about this particular subject. 

Here's a sidebar: one time early on, he was trying to stimulate me and I hit the mute button on the remote. He stopped and asked why. I explained that Family Guy was taking me out of the mood and he looked confused and said that he likes to listen to it while going down on me. Does that mean he's bored? What is that about??? Needless to say, I did not "unmute". Red flags that I ignored early on!!

Communication is not his strong suit, that is for sure.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Have you tried showing him what you want? Come into bed and before he starts touching you, cuddle up to him and start kissing him. Show him what foreplay you want and need to get into the mood. I would try that first. If he rejects you and starts with the hand on the boob or down your pajamas stuff I'd get up and end the session. I would also stop giving him BJ's. Why should he be happy and satisfied and you aren't. I think you are being too nice and doing just want he wants so he has no reason to change. He is being selfish and that would be a huge turn off for me.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> Here's a sidebar: one time early on, he was trying to stimulate me and I hit the mute button on the remote. He stopped and asked why. I explained that Family Guy was taking me out of the mood and he looked confused and said that he likes to listen to it while going down on me.


OK...that's just wrong. I could buy someone wanting to listen to music or perhaps even a porn if the sounds of other people having sex turns your crank. But...Family Guy! I can see why this would be disconcerting to you.

Personally I choose not to have a television in the bedroom. If I'm too tired to sit on the couch in the living room and watch television I probably need to sleep.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, he sounds like he is passive and an avoider. 

Does this bother you enough that you would consider giving him an ultimatum to go to counseling? Or is it more of an annoyance that you would like to change, but can live with?


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Thanks for the feedback. I get the "show him what you want" and I have done that. But when the person is so passive and I want to turn him into the aggressor its difficult to get that shift to happen. I can tell him "kiss me here, now try this...." but this plays exactly into his passive role. Yes, perhaps it makes him "work" a little harder - he can't just lie there - but it doesn't make him initiate anything, it just allows him to follow orders.

For me (and probably most women) the biggest turn on is knowing our man highly desires us and has to "ravage" us right here, right now, the way he wants (within agreed limits of course). Nothing hotter. Not to say that he should be 100% selfish, our needs should also be considered and I'd certainly want to be in the dominate role sometimes. 

Another sidebar: when we watch movies with a sex scene of a man taking a woman in a passionate quickie, he scoffs and says "that's really rude and selfish" about the man. Yes, perhaps, but sometimes that's really hot for the woman! And I've said this....which he seems to ignore. Hmmmmm


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> Communication is not his strong suit, that is for sure.


It seems like it's not YOUR strongest suit either.

What we are telling you that it HAS TO become, for BOTH of you......or your marriage will suffer in time.

It's never too late.

You can start by simply scheduling once a week meeting with him (one on one) when you 2 just brainstorm and talk about important stuff (finances, relationship, family etc etc).

Get creative, we are talking about the most important thing in your life here!!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you think he's a sexual submissive? Maybe he is just not wired to lead?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Do you think he's a sexual submissive? Maybe he is just not wired to lead?


And possibly needs OP to lead/dominate him a bit......worth a shot/try.



if he is unable to take control, YOU do it OP.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> I explained that Family Guy was taking me out of the mood and he looked confused and said that he likes to listen to it while going down on me.


Peter Griffin would be so impressed with your husband.

However, understandably you are not. This is an appalling way to behave with your partner.

He needs to grow up and learn to talk.

Men talk better outdoors and not face to face. Take him out somewhere nice, along a beach etc. Hold his hand and bring up the subject. How you say it is really over to you but he needs to understand that it's ok for you to bring it up and discuss this or anything you have a problem with about in your relationship. If it blows up in your face and he's so stubborn and won't even consider counselling you need to warn him that maybe you two aren't as compatible as you once were. He needs shaking up and realising his responsibilities.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

DoF said:


> And possibly needs OP to lead/dominate him a bit......worth a shot/try.
> 
> 
> 
> if he is unable to take control, YOU do it OP.


What do you think, OP? Do you have any dominatrix leanings?


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## inshock95 (Jul 28, 2014)

Was going to say the same thing about dom/sub. 
If you're inclined, give it a try and see what the outcome is!


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Communication. Tell him exactly what you want. "I'd really like it if you took charge in bed, and I think it would be really hot if we tried some new stuff out". The gal I'm seeing right now said that to me early on: "I love it when you take what you want. Just take it". 

Make it super dirty if you want, too. "I want you to **** me from behind and dominate me."

If he doesn't respond to that, then have more of a talk and be honest as to what you're after. Try to be gentle and not make him feel bad or that could backfire. Try the dirty talk, telling him to take you thing first.

My $0.02.

Good luck!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He is probably just not cut out for it. And if she has to tell him to dominate her, she will probably lose some of the satisfaction.


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## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> How do I get my husband to be more assertive in bed?


This is an interesting subject. I've read your posts and I do have some thoughts about this. However, I would like some more information first. Does your husband seem to understand emotion? Does he have empathy for you and a good grasp of your emotions?


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> How do I get my husband to be more assertive in bed?


You're asking the wrong question here. Your first question should be:

How do I get my husband to communicate?

You won't solve the sex issue or any other without this one.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I get the "show him what you want" and I have done that. But when the person is so passive and I want to turn him into the aggressor its difficult to get that shift to happen. I can tell him "kiss me here, now try this...." but this plays exactly into his passive role. Yes, perhaps it makes him "work" a little harder - he can't just lie there - but it doesn't make him initiate anything, it just allows him to follow orders.
> 
> For me (and probably most women) the biggest turn on is knowing our man highly desires us and has to "ravage" us right here, right now, the way he wants (within agreed limits of course). Nothing hotter. Not to say that he should be 100% selfish, our needs should also be considered and I'd certainly want to be in the dominate role sometimes.
> 
> Another sidebar: when we watch movies with a sex scene of a man taking a woman in a passionate quickie, he scoffs and says "that's really rude and selfish" about the man. Yes, perhaps, but sometimes that's really hot for the woman! And I've said this....which he seems to ignore. Hmmmmm


And some of those same women date and marry guys who aren't into this alpha type behavior then complain about it. Has something changed about this sexual behavior or has he always been on the submissive side of things?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

DoF said:


> And possibly needs OP to lead/dominate him a bit......worth a shot/try.
> 
> 
> 
> if he is unable to take control, YOU do it OP.


The OP has stated that she wants her husband to step up and be the aggressor. So she's told, "oh, you can just dominate him!" Ugh.

From what I have read and from talking with tons of gfs about this, the great majority of women are not turned on by a passive man in bed. Nor one who wants a mommy to always be on top, nor one who wants a dominatrix.

Men who state they aren't natural alpha males may need to learn how to play the role in bed if they want an excited wife.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
Please keep in mind that there is a very strong (and very valid) stigma against men being "rapists". It is easy for this to leak into any sort of "taking control" in bed.

I think you need to make it very clear what you want, and that you really are OK with your partner being "dominant". You also need to be sure you are on the same page as far as what you are talking about: Do you want him to be dominant once you are already in bed and intimate, or do you want him to just pick you up, throw you on the bed and "have his way" with you? 

Anything you both enjoy is fine, but be careful that when you say "dominant" you mean you want him to do "X,Y and Z", and instead he does "W" which you *really* don't want.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You can establish a safe word she can use if she wants things to stop. But don't use "Stop" because it might be part of the games. Instead pick something simple and unrelated. "Jello" or "Red Light", etc.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Please keep in mind that there is a very strong (and very valid) stigma against men being "rapists". It is easy for this to leak into any sort of "taking control" in bed.
> 
> I think you need to make it very clear what you want, and that you really are OK with your partner being "dominant".


I've heard this sort of response before...come on! Are we _really_ saying that an adult male does not know the difference between being a rapist and being assertive in the bedroom with his wife? 

I just don't think the average dude is THAT obtuse, I really don't. It sounds more like an excuse to not step up and take some initiative, but instead to just be passive and wait for the woman to do everything (which is the surest way to turn most women off!).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon pink_lady
if only it were so simple. Many years ago my wife and I played with bondage a bit (at her suggestion but with my enthusiastic cooperation). She enjoyed being tied up and I'd do various things. She gave every indication of enjoying what was going on. Then one day she told me that she didn't want to do it any more because it had been making her feel like she was really being forced / raped. She had never hinted at this before and I was utterly floored and felt terrible about it. 

Some people are really bad at communicating. I think its important that a couple really understand what each wants. "I want you to be assertive in bed", really means "I want you to be assertive about doing the things *I* want in bed". That's fine, but sometimes it isn't obvious what a person really likes. (physical response isn't the same as enjoyment)




pink_lady said:


> I've heard this sort of response before...come on! Are we _really_ saying that an adult male does not know the difference between being a rapist and being assertive in the bedroom with his wife?
> 
> I just don't think the average dude is THAT obtuse, I really don't. It sounds more like an excuse to not step up and take some initiative, but instead to just be passive and wait for the woman to do everything (which is the surest way to turn most women off!).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> I've heard this sort of response before...come on! Are we _really_ saying that an adult male does not know the difference between being a rapist and being assertive in the bedroom with his wife?
> 
> I just don't think the average dude is THAT obtuse, I really don't. It sounds more like an excuse to not step up and take some initiative, but instead to just be passive and wait for the woman to do everything (which is the surest way to turn most women off!).


You've been out of the loop on what's happening in society at large and also especially on college campuses. It is now considered rape if the woman has any degree of alcohol in her system, because her consent may not have been real. On some campuses men have to get an explicit verbal approval for each increment of escalation in a physical encounter. If not it could be considered rape.

And then of course there is the radical feminist stance that all sex is rape. There is a strong message in pop culture that "men are pigs" not because we don't do the dishes but because we want sex.

Many men are afraid of being accused of rape or being viewed as piggish. Many men are gun-shy because they are afraid of appearing too pushy. The modern pop culture image is that men should be Nicer, less masculine, more attuned to their feelings, less overtly sexual.

Take any scene from a movie with Clark Gable or John Wayne, and by today's standards they are far too rough. And men are told this repeatedly.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Thor
Just my vote but please don't turn this into a "what is rape" thread. I think that is a really good topic, but I expect it will completely derail this one. 

I think there IS a lot to discuss on the definition of rape, but people would need to be very careful to keep the discussion polite, and that's unlikely to happen with such strong feelings. 






Thor said:


> You've been out of the loop on what's happening in society at large and also especially on college campuses. It is now considered rape if the woman has any degree of alcohol in her system, because her consent may not have been real. On some campuses men have to get an explicit verbal approval for each increment of escalation in a physical encounter. If not it could be considered rape.
> 
> And then of course there is the radical feminist stance that all sex is rape. There is a strong message in pop culture that "men are pigs" not because we don't do the dishes but because we want sex.
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon Thor
> Just my vote but please don't turn this into a "what is rape" thread. I think that is a really good topic, but I expect it will completely derail this one.
> 
> I think there IS a lot to discuss on the definition of rape, but people would need to be very careful to keep the discussion polite, and that's unlikely to happen with such strong feelings.


I don't think it is as much about real rape in terms of this thread, but rather that men have been taught now for 50 years that they have to pull back and not appear in any way to push. So not to discuss what is real rape, but rather that men have been conditioned to be passive or at least not assertive when it comes to sex.

Men understand what rape is. What rape is not is consensual sex, yet there is this strong message to men that they might be accused of rape if they are pushy.

Conditioning like this as a teen and young 20's single man will unfortunately carry over into marriage. Just like toxic shame that many women carry because they are brainwashed into the idea that they aren't "pure", they are "dirty" if they have premarital sex. Those women get into marriages and find they have sexual problems due to this toxic shame. Likewise men get into marriages and find they hold back on initiating sex or on being assertive in bed because of this background brainwashing they've gotten about being "pigs" or the risk of false rape accusation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> How do I get my husband to be more assertive in bed?
> 
> If I heard him talk to "the guys" I'm sure he would complain that his wife is not interested in sex. But far from it!! I'm just not interested in his type of passive sex.
> 
> ...


I do not believe you will find the correct answer here. The correct answer will have to come from your H. You need to explain your needs (sexually). Honestly, I sounded like your H. My wife asked me time and time again. Go slow here. More foreplay. For years I did whatever(like a dummy). I finally started listening and acting on her desires. Sex life has exploded since.

Sit down with your H and talk to him about your desires in the sack. H NEEDS to listen to you. Don't expect him to become a sexual dynamo over night. SHUT OFF THE TV!!! The idiot box really ruins good conversation and sex!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> Communication is not his strong suit, that is for sure.


H needs to change that pronto! For crying out loud, you are his wife. If H can communicate with you what is the marriage about then? Family Guy and American Pickers marathon?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

pink_lady said:


> The OP has stated that she wants her husband to step up and be the aggressor. So she's told, "oh, you can just dominate him!" Ugh.


Ever heard of leading by example?

Or doing the opposite of what makes sense? You would be surprised at the results.



pink_lady said:


> From what I have read and from talking with tons of gfs about this, the great majority of women are not turned on by a passive man in bed. Nor one who wants a mommy to always be on top, nor one who wants a dominatrix.
> 
> Men who state they aren't natural alpha males may need to learn how to play the role in bed if they want an excited wife.


I understand all that, but her husband is already there. Above is TODAY.

Clearly it's not changing so OP has to do something different.

How about at the end of dominating him, when done with the session, take him by the next and tell him "now going forward, you need to do EXACTLY what I just did to you, on regular basis, UNDERSTOOD"

You have to put on a pretty serious face while doing so too.....you get the point.

I find that with things like this, sometimes it's just better to kind of force it onto the other person.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

DoF has a point. Sometimes you do have to lead by example.

I lean more towards dominatrix in the bedroom. I like to be in control. I like having my very masculine husband tied up, struggling against his bonds as I slowly torture him in the best way possible. And he tends toward submissive, so it works out well for both of us. 

However, I, like most people, am not 100% one way. I would say that I'm about 90% dominant, 10% submissive (or maybe bottom, because I don't exactly "feel" submissive even when tied up, nor have I ever been to that fabled "subspace" that everyone talks about). He is the obverse of me. So, sometimes I like him just to roughly take me. 

One time, I had him tied up, and after driving him into a frenzy, I got close to his face and said "time and again I have told you that I like my neck bit. Time and again I've told you that I want rough, deep kisses from you. Yet you continue to not do as instructed. Now, when I release you, you are going to do these things, or I will have to punish you."

And wouldn't you know it, he did exactly as instructed. 

Am I recommending this specific course of action? Not necessarily, but I think what DoF is trying to get across is that sometimes you have to think outside the box in order to get what you want. If he is submissive, and not just a passive person (and there is a HUGE difference between the two. Subs are not namby-pambies!), he will do anything to please you--even if that includes him taking the top/dominant role from time to time.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Thor said:


> You've been out of the loop on what's happening in society at large and also especially on college campuses. It is now considered rape if the woman has any degree of alcohol in her system, because her consent may not have been real. On some campuses men have to get an explicit verbal approval for each increment of escalation in a physical encounter. If not it could be considered rape.
> 
> And then of course there is the radical feminist stance that all sex is rape. There is a strong message in pop culture that "men are pigs" not because we don't do the dishes but because we want sex.
> 
> ...


We're not talking about a college hook-up at a keg, we're talking about a married couple where the wife has repeatedly asked the husband to be assertive in bed.

I consider myself a feminist but have never heard of that particular 'radical feminist stance'. I imagine women who do feel that way probably don't seek out relationships with men, and definitely don't ask them to stop being so passive in bed.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

DoF said:


> Ever heard of leading by example?
> 
> Or doing the opposite of what makes sense? You would be surprised at the results.
> 
> ...


Yeah. Honestly I would never get into a serious relationship with a man who is passive in bed again. Because just having to ask/tell a man to be assertive is a turn-off for me, and never really works anyway.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Buy him a book. Married Man Sex Life Primer - Athol Kay


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> We're not talking about a college hook-up at a keg, we're talking about a married couple where the wife has repeatedly asked the husband to be assertive in bed.
> 
> I consider myself a feminist but have never heard of that particular 'radical feminist stance'. I imagine women who do feel that way probably don't seek out relationships with men, and definitely don't ask them to stop being so passive in bed.


I take it you are under about age 40? There was a strong push from the radical feminists in the 60's and 70's that all sex was a form of rape.

Anyhow, have you heard of the law just proposed in California which codifies that only a specific verbal "Yes" is a yes? It used to be that No meant NO, but now it would take a specific YES or else it is a rape.

Men have been taught, and it is legally true, that in the work environment harassment is defined by the person who perceives it. If a person feels they have been sexually harassed, they have. Men have been conditioned to avoid making any comments or actions which might be construed as flirty or sexual.

There is a pervasive message to men (and boys growing up) that they have to be careful not to offend a woman with sexual advances. This has an unspoken message that it is wrong or bad for a male to act on sexual desires. He needs permission first, and he has to be cautious not to overstep the woman's comfort zone. So he has to try to somehow intuit where her comfort zone is.

A person's attitudes and beliefs don't change because they got married.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Thor said:


> You've been out of the loop on what's happening in society at large and also especially on college campuses. It is now considered rape if the woman has any degree of alcohol in her system, because her consent may not have been real. On some campuses men have to get an explicit verbal approval for each increment of escalation in a physical encounter. If not it could be considered rape.


Thor is right. In fact here is a dating scene at a college campus bar right here. I especially like the dating contract at the end:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urS8GmwmeWQ


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> Thor is right. In fact here is a dating scene at a college campus bar right here. I especially like the dating contract at the end:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urS8GmwmeWQ


Oh no! Cherry 2000?! :rofl:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
One additional thought - if you want someone to be dominant in bed, they need to believe that you will tell them if you really don't want them to do something they are doing. 

Trust has to go both ways. You need to trust them not to do something you don't want, but they need to trust that you will let them know if you are unhappy.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

It's sometimes hard for men to just take over in the bed room. Especially if he sees the woman as a true partner or equal. Because when you are just ravaging a woman you are saying, "I know what you want. No matter what you say, I will impose my will and desire on you. You will like it." That's all hot I guess but it's hard to turn that on in the bedroom, and turn it off in other parts of the relationship. It's hard to value someone and be understanding to their feelings and then just use them sexually. You sometimes have to have a bit of chauvinism or think you know what's best for her better than she does. 

People like what they like but this is something that always frustrates and perplexes me. I'm in a FWB relationship(ex girlfriend but we are both still single). And even though she says differently she always in enjoys sex the most when I just take over. Sometimes I would really prefer more intimate sex. Grabbing your hair, spanking you, and calling you names is not what I think about when I think about sex. But she loves that sh!t....


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> Communication is not his strong suit, that is for sure.


I'll admit straight-up that what I'm about to write may be projection. Thing is, before my husband and I really started working through our crap a couple of years ago, there were aspects of his behavior I'd note (as you have about your husband) ....only to then discover I was actually behaving similarly but couldn't recognize it for what it was at the time and how it played out for us. In our marriage, when we worked on our communication outside of the bedroom (which is still a work in progress!), and we shared more vulnerability and trust, this lead to greater trust inside the bedroom - and my husband became more open with me sexually than he had before. Just as I started becoming more open in other aspects of our relationship. 

Look to yourself first rather than wondering how he can be different.

So, I couldn't help but think perhaps communication is not your strong point either. As you are here, I'd suggest instead of wishing he was different to how he is, that you start changing things up. If that's the nightly routine and he knows those options are going to be your responses, then change that. Hold his hand during the day, send him loving and flirtatious notes during the day. How might he respond to elements of tease and mystery?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Convection said:


> If the answers to all these problems is "no," and the fact that he won't do counseling, you have a larger problem in the marriage - one that has to do with communication and basic respect.


:iagree:


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