# facebook question,what do you think?



## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

just a quick question about a little problem im having on facebook. i recently found out that my wife's sister has my wife's ex-boyfriend as a friend on facebook.they were together for four years before we met.so it was long term.my wife does not have a facebook acct.which is good.but she goes to her sisters house often enough that she might have had contact with her ex.why is this such a problem? well her reputation is not that great.about two years ago i found out she had an EA with some guy were she use to work,so i dont fully trust her.how can i go about this without making it a HUGE problem,if in fact nothing has or is happening between her and her ex? what do you think? need some advice before i overreact.


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## Almostthere (Oct 31, 2010)

I would leave it alone, your wife doesnt have an account herself and I assume has made no mention of her ex so I think you are worrying about nothing.
Just because your sis in law has him as a friend on facebook doesnt mean she even has much contact with him.
Until your wife does something, not her sister, I wouldnt do anything.
Just my opinion.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have a very select number of friends on facebook (less than 30), my boyfriend is the same. Of all our friends on facebook, I'd say for both of us, we only actually talk to maybe 1/4 to 1/3 of them. A lot of them are so and so we went to high school with, or such and such that we worked with at blah blah, and we became friends on facebook to say hi and catch up and now we don't talk anymore. 

So, first, there's nothing that says her sister is even talking to this guy on any regular basis. If your wife doesn't even have a facebook account, then I'd say she probably doesn't talk to him either. I'm sure her sister probably told her about him, so if she had any interest in talking to him, she probably would have wanted her own facebook account by now. 

If you;re that worried about it, I would simply sit down with her and tell her that you noticed this and you're just wondering if she's talked to him. If she says no, then you just say, "Okay. I'm sorry to have made you feel I don't trust you, but given the affair you once had, I felt I had to ask. I won't ask again." and then drop it, unless/until she gives you reason to worry. If she says yes, then you can delve deeper into why you didn't know, what was said, and if you should be worried.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Leave it alone bro. Sometimes when there's smoke... there isn't fire. Until you have VALID reason to think she's reaching out to this guy... why go there? You will be seen as petty, and your prying may cause more harm than good.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It's ok to feel unsure in this situation--your trust was betrayed, and that may take forever to recover from. She may or may not be able to accommodate this--the normal consequences of HER actions--but you have every right to feel insecure. This is why affairs are so damaging. 

How do you know that the old bf is on the s's fb? Someone told you, so they are not hiding it. 

Don't let this fester. Tell your wife you are uncomfortable and why. Let her know that you are NOT accusing her--so far, her behavior has not indicated any reason for that--and TELL her that part, too, that right now it is just your feelings based on the past and she hasn't done anything to make you more concerned, but the lack of trust from her EA has left you wounded. Be sure to reinforce that you have noticed her behavior to you has been beyond suspicion (if it has). 

IF her behavior changes and you become MORE suspicious, then you need to point out what changes concern you and insist that they stop. But your insistence is only as good as your willingness to back it up with action. Besides, that's a conversation for the future--right now you have no reason to demand changes from her, so don't fight that battle yet.
Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

More double standards!!!!!!!!!!

Listen if a man had an ea with someone and then the wife found out this was happening the advice would be to trust your gut. 

Thats my advice TRUST YOUR GUT. she already faltered once I woould not trust her and if she dosen't like your suspician to bad she already lost your trust.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> More double standards!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Listen if a man had an ea with someone and then the wife found out this was happening the advice would be to trust your gut.
> 
> Thats my advice TRUST YOUR GUT. she already faltered once I woould not trust her and if she dosen't like your suspician to bad she already lost your trust.


Its not the same thing man. The OP's reaching. I mean his wife doesn't have the ex-bf on her FB. The wife doesn't even have FB. She is basically being labeled as guilty by association. Which to me isn't fair. Yes, she did have a EA... but it wasn't with the ex. There's being wise and following up and there's being paranoid. Right now he's in colomn A. I just don't want him to reach column B and cause more of a problem in his household.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its not the same thing man. The OP's reaching. I mean his wife doesn't have the ex-bf on her FB. The wife doesn't even have FB. She is basically being labeled as guilty by association. Which to me isn't fair. Yes, she did have a EA... but it wasn't with the ex. There's being wise and following up and there's being paranoid. Right now he's in colomn A. I just don't want him to reach column B and cause more of a problem in his household. 
Today 10:23 AM 


We will have agree to disagree. She could be smart enough not to have a face book acc. so she won't get caught.


My question is did she do anything to gain your trust back.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

NOT GOOD! FACEBOOK IS A DISASTER FOR MARRIED PEOPLE! IT SHOULD'T BE ALLOWED! The mere creating of an account should be considered infidelity! Hate my comments if you will but be honest with yourselves!!! If you've never looked up an ex, then you're a saint! For those of you who've sent an ex a friend request, shame on you! For those of you who've chatted with an ex, you're flirting with disaster! 

For my wife who innocently chatted with her 10th grade boyfriend and as a result, developed a year long EA that lead to a physical meeting, which lead to a forced confession after I suspected something, which lead me to threaten to divorse her over it, which then lead to her attempted suicide the next day, which then lead to 70 days in rehab, which lead to another 3 day affair in rehab............ I'm just not a fan of Facebook, as you can tell. (not blaming Facebook, it just makes it easier to engage in bad behavior that may not have ever happened but not for that [email protected]!)


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My BIL was receiving some unwanted attention in exactly the manner you are describing.

His ExGF - now married - shares a FB account with her husband. My BIL friended "them" - no big deal.

Later, he gets a friend invite from this woman's Mother - with a message saying "hey - its me - your exGF - etc., etc.,"

His ex - who spends a lot of time at her Mom's - was using her Mom's FB account to get around the problem of having a "joint" account with her husband so she could try to flirt with my BIL.

Trust your gut and keep your eyes open.


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## Kaitlin (Nov 10, 2010)

I think you're worrying over nothing. Sisters, in the best case scenario, are close so it only follows that she would spend time with her sister. Facebook is like any other networking site or device, you collect people you know (and even some that you don't), and rarely take the time to delete them. Heck, I still have random classmates and exes in my cell phone, and my husband has the same in his, but neither of us are contacting them. Your wife doesn't have an account, so I really doubt that she is in contact with her ex, and honestly believe her sister added him when they were together. Hello, he was a part of her sister's life for FOUR years.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> NOT GOOD! FACEBOOK IS A DISASTER FOR MARRIED PEOPLE! IT SHOULD'T BE ALLOWED! The mere creating of an account should be considered infidelity! Hate my comments if you will but be honest with yourselves!!! If you've never looked up an ex, then you're a saint! For those of you who've sent an ex a friend request, shame on you! For those of you who've chatted with an ex, you're flirting with disaster!
> 
> For my wife who innocently chatted with her 10th grade boyfriend and as a result, developed a year long EA that lead to a physical meeting, which lead to a forced confession after I suspected something, which lead me to threaten to divorse her over it, which then lead to her attempted suicide the next day, which then lead to 70 days in rehab, which lead to another 3 day affair in rehab............ I'm just not a fan of Facebook, as you can tell. (not blaming Facebook, it just makes it easier to engage in bad behavior that may not have ever happened but not for that [email protected]!)


I think you have every right to feel this way, but your situation is the exception, not the norm. Me and the wife have FB. But we have CLEAR boundaries (set by me). Neither one of us are to have ANY contact with people we've had sexual relations with. To me, EX's isn't enough, because almost everyone has had a 1 nighter, so somebody might try to tip-toe around the issue. I know my wife has looked up ex's to see what they are doing, but she hasn't attempted to reach out to them or vice versa. I'd lose alot of respect for her if she did because these guys treated her like trash. I've done the same thing outta curiosity, but that is where it stops. FB is just a tool, if a person is going to be shady, they are going to be shady regardless of FB or not.


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## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

i appreciate all the replies.but check this out.i havent said anything about my suspicions thus far,but its weird. we went to her sisters house on thurs.she brings out the laptop before she knew i was there.she had it on the table.when i looked at the screen it was the facebook log in,then she closed it and started playing a bunch of music.im thinking wtf was that but i stayed quiet.she kept on playing music and my wife says,"what are you gonna play all the songs"? so i start asking stupid questions like,how much was the laptop? about the network card etc.,trying to see if she closed the facebook completely.then after a while she closes the laptop and takes it to her room and comes back out.at this point im pist and my wifey keeps asking whats wrong? what happend? why u mad? etc. i made up some other bs to avoid getting into a huge fight. i def have a propblem with this,i feel something is up.i just dont know how to go about this without making it a huge fight! and if i do confront her she's gonna deny it and say,"well thats my sisters facebook,i have nothing to do with that,which is true,but she could still be going back and forth with him,which would ultimatley be a deal breaker particularly because of all the things we been thru already.....


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

ds10 said:


> i appreciate all the replies.but check this out.i havent said anything about my suspicions thus far,but its weird. we went to her sisters house on thurs.she brings out the laptop before she knew i was there.she had it on the table.when i looked at the screen it was the facebook log in,then she closed it and started playing a bunch of music.im thinking wtf was that but i stayed quiet.she kept on playing music and my wife says,"what are you gonna play all the songs"? so i start asking stupid questions like,how much was the laptop? about the network card etc.,trying to see if she closed the facebook completely.then after a while she closes the laptop and takes it to her room and comes back out.at this point im pist and my wifey keeps asking whats wrong? what happend? why u mad? etc. i made up some other bs to avoid getting into a huge fight. i def have a propblem with this,i feel something is up.i just dont know how to go about this without making it a huge fight! and if i do confront her she's gonna deny it and say,"well thats my sisters facebook,i have nothing to do with that,which is true,but she could still be going back and forth with him,which would ultimatley be a deal breaker particularly because of all the things we been thru already.....


If you feel this strongly about this then you need to be willing to make it a big fight. Why force yourself to live with these unaswered questions and suspicions? Confront her and you either have to deal with your concerns being a reality or get some peace.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If it bothers you that much that she might be in touch with him, then it seems to me that's something worth risking a big fight for. 

It's not worth fighting over who left the gallon of milk out on the counter so it ended up spoiled; it is worth fighting over whether or not contact with an ex is appropriate for your relationship. 

i will say that although the facebook login being on the screen is pretty damning, it's not conclusive. Since the sister has facebook, it's possible she just logged herself out, it went back to the login screen, and she simply didn't bother to put it on a different page. Although it still raises the question of why your wife needs to use her sister's laptop anyway. 

Point is, if it's bothering you, then it's worth talking to her about. By letting it build, not only are you not getting answers and letting it build into something that is possibly bigger than it really is, but you're also putting distance between you that could create further problems down the road.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your wife had an EA, maybe neither of you have a great track record. She apparently went outside the marriage to get something she needed. Why couldn't she get it from you? In any case, if you're doing your best as a husband, I'd leave it alone. You can't control all contact she has with the outside world. You can make sure you're taking care of her so she doesn't feel the need to go elsewhere. If you're taking great care of her but she strays anyway, she's not somebody you need.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree. Just because her sister has an account doesn't mean your wife is contacting her ex on it.

If its bothering you that much - then ask her. If she had a past EA then she shouldn't wonder why you're asking.

And also...with all the issues in my marriage, I have to say FACEBOOK isn't one of them. With hubby's stroke, he can't type well and says he doesn't have the time or inclination - so while I have a page, he doesn't and he doesn't ask nor care about mine.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

ds10 said:


> i appreciate all the replies.but check this out.i havent said anything about my suspicions thus far,but its weird. we went to her sisters house on thurs.she brings out the laptop before she knew i was there.she had it on the table.when i looked at the screen *it was the facebook log in,then she closed it and started playing a bunch of music*.im thinking wtf was that ..


1 of 2 things is going on here. What i've been saying all along, which is nothing at all. She may just lilke going through her sisters account and browsing. 

Or... she could have an account on there, just set to private. Basically meaning, that She can be on there as -insert name-, but only she chooses whom she can know on there. If you were to search for her by name... she would NOT appear under any search. But she can login just like any other person. When she responds to peoples status, it just says, "Facebook User." So yes, it is entirely possible for her to have an account, and no one outside her circle know about it. Plus there are ways to access FB outside of Facebook.com as well. I do it through Yahoo because my facebook is blocked at worked.


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