# Getting past infidelity Please help



## sandy7680 (Sep 2, 2015)

I've been married for 15yrs. We have 4 children. Found out my husband got a new female friend 9 months ago but continued to lie stating her boyfriend was his friend not her. Continued the lie for 2 straight months until I threw so much evidence on front of him he couldn't deny it anymore. I told him we couldn't continue our marriage unless he cut all ties since he lied about her. 2 months later I found a reciept for flowers to her from him on valentines. Excuse was he felt bad for cutting on off the way he did when they were just friends. Of course I didn't believe him so I kicked him out. We've been back n fourth trying to see if we can get passed the lies but we would be great for a day or two but I could never get rid of the gut feeling he was still lying. So I got into his email n found several pictures of her, a trip to the ocean her naked in the tub, he's clothes on the bed, but yet he denys he went claims she just sent him those. Second trip to the poconos where we went, again claimed he didn't go, until I saw his own reflection in the mirror. Then claimed they just went as friend's. He swears they were nothing more. She wanted more but he never did. He wants to come home to work this out but I don't know if I can if he still can't be completely honest with me. He says he is but I have absolutely no trust in him. I asked him if I can hear what he tells her on why he cannot talk to her ever again but he's response was, "I'm not going to unless I know we can work this out" The only thing that's going through my mind is he doesn't want to end it with her just in case we can't get passed this. Am I wrong here? I'm so lost with this and I don't know what to do or how to act or anything.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Nope, nope, nope!! *HELL TO THE NO!!*

*He's lying. Big time.*

NO ONE goes to the Poconos "as friends"!!! And I mean, NO ONE!! (*see below)










File for divorce immediately.

Of course,* this doesn't mean you actually have to GO THROUGH with a divorce!*

But it just might wake his sorry arse up to what he is about to lose. FILING smacks a real dose of reality to the cheater that play time is OVER. You will NOT tolerate his bullsh*t any longer.

Remember, filing is just a "tool" in your arsenal to shut down the affair. Just to let him know how SERIOUS his betrayal of your marriage is. (But you NEVER tell him that. All he knows is his sorry arse is about to lose it all! -- his wife, his children, his reputation, his home.)

Expose his adulterous behavior to all that matter in your life -- his parents, your parents, his and your siblings, your closest friends... *but most importantly, if the OW is married, expose it ALL to HER husband.
*
This is the quickest way to shame him and shut down the affair.

Once it has ended, YOU get to decide if you are willing to go down the long, hard road of reconciliation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're not wrong. He's lying.

Personally I'd recommend that you tell him to GTFO and stay gone, but w/ 4 kids and a 15-year marriage in the mix, I can understand why you'd want to work it out.

Tell him that he has exactly one chance to work this out, but he will first have to commit to 100% complete transparency. You ask a question and he answers... HONESTLY.

He'll also need to hand over any and all passwords to electronic devices, e-mail accounts, social media accounts, etc. He also agrees to have a GPS tracking unit installed in his vehicle, AS WELL AS location tracking enabled on his phone.

Oh, and he also contacts OW's boyfriend/husband and confesses their relationship to him.

If he'll agree to each of these things, you might have a real shot at coming back from this. If, however, he refuses to commit to ANY of it, tell him to GTFO and stay gone.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is lying and what the heck is he doing with her away on holidays in the first place when he should he home with his family. No. No. No, do NOT fall for his lies, he is trying to break you down, stand firm and do NOT take him back, he is a LIAR. How dare he bargain with you, he is not in a position to do so. He is playing you big time, and you are probably his plan B rather than plan A, do not go there. You have to show him that his actions are unacceptable and that you are willing to lose him and the marriage if he does not stop contacting her. There is a chance he will go underground with his A if he thinks he can placate you, do not allow him to do this, he doesn't give a s*** about you right now as he is in the A fog and in complete denial. 

Follow the drill
1. Tell all friends and family what he has been doing, blow up his fantasy world big time, make him accountable for his actions, he obviously doesn't want to be accountable to you, so put on the heat, maybe if his family, your family, friends know, he will think twice
2. Get yourself surrounded by good friends or siblings, you will need the support now, to stay strong
3. Consider IC if you need it
4. Find out your status financially, rights, etc from a good divorce lawyer
5. Draw up the papers now, you may or may not file them but show your cheating WH that you mean business
6. Do the 180 on him, or go completely NC for a while till you get your emotions under control


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

aine said:


> Follow the drill
> 1. Tell all friends and family what he has been doing, blow up his fantasy world big time, make him accountable for his actions, he obviously doesn't want to be accountable to you, so put on the heat, maybe if his family, your family, friends know, he will think twice
> 2. Get yourself surrounded by good friends or siblings, you will need the support now, to stay strong
> 3. Consider IC if you need it
> ...


:iagree: ^ ^ ^ THIS.

If you do nothing else, *DO THIS!!!!!*

This is the quickest and surest way for any hope to salvage your marriage.

Whatever you do, do not hide HIS affair from your closest support peeps in an effort to "protect your privacy" or because you might feels "embarrassed" down the road. Biggest mistake you can make. Blow this thing WIDE OPEN so HE will feel the HEAT.


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## sandy7680 (Sep 2, 2015)

Omg thank you all so much. You have made me feel like I'm not going crazy for thinking these things. I did tho file for divorce back in may but we were so back n forth at that time that I never went to the testimony so it got dismissed. Everytime I bring up something he gets pissed off n walks away. Like I'm not validated for my feelings.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

sandy7680 said:


> Omg thank you all so much. You have made me feel like I'm not going crazy for thinking these things. I did tho file for divorce back in may but we were so back n forth at that time that I never went to the testimony so it got dismissed. Everytime I bring up something he gets pissed off n walks away. Like I'm not validated for my feelings.


He wants you to pretend it never happened, which is yet another lie.

He is not remorseful.
He is not honest.
I don't think he will be, possibly ever. But that's my opinion. If you want to stay in the marriage with some modicum of self-respect, then re-file the divorce and tell him what he must do (see above posts). He must do them faithfully, without resentment, without anger, or there is no marriage to save.

There's another thread on her about once a cheater always a cheater. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but the chances of it recurring are huge if he has no consequences for bringing a third person into your marriage.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am sorry for you and your kids.
You dont deserve that. If I had wife and 4 kids with her I would buy HER flawers not some other girl or wife. 

Your husband is liar and he will cheat on you over and over again.
He will never understand what he had until he lost it all.

Serve him with Divorce papers and be happy with your life,because it is so short.You already have 4 kids,what more to ask.
You will another husband who will respect you and love you.trust me on this one.


Take care


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## sandy7680 (Sep 2, 2015)

Thank you guys so much. I'm going to refile n cut my losses. I believe you are all right, if he's getting angry at what I need to help get thru this, than he has no remorse for what he's done, especially if he still won't admit it. Only thing I don't understand n wrap my head around is why this biotch hasn't said anything after all I've sent her. I sent her all the texts he's been sending me telling me that they are just friends n they'll never be more than that no matter what n that he only wants me that's all he's ever wanted. I know if the guy I was with had a wife (trust me I could never do) but if they did n she told me that, I would send her everything to show her he's telling me the same thing or set her straight that he told me the marriage was over n wants me I mean something.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

sandy7680 said:


> Thank you guys so much. I'm going to refile n cut my losses. I believe you are all right, if he's getting angry at what I need to help get thru this, than he has no remorse for what he's done, especially if he still won't admit it. Only thing I don't understand n wrap my head around is why this biotch hasn't said anything after all I've sent her. I sent her all the texts he's been sending me telling me that they are just friends n they'll never be more than that no matter what n that he only wants me that's all he's ever wanted. I know if the guy I was with had a wife (trust me I could never do) but if they did n she told me that, I would send her everything to show her he's telling me the same thing or set her straight that he told me the marriage was over n wants me I mean something.


Here's the thing.

If she's at all worried, she will just run and hide and you won't hear from her.

If she's not worried and intends on stealing your husband full-time, she's smirking right now because she gets an up front view of his marriage blowing up in real time.

Don't give her that kind of power. And don't put the affair on her. It's on your husband.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Refile the divorce. Please.

It's obvious that he has been lying this whole time. This is a full-blown physical affair. He's your husband and he's taking a girlfriend for a lovers' vacation in the Poconos. He doesn't get to have his family and a girlfriend, too, does he? 

You were so right to kick him out. He thinks you are weak. If you are, he will be able to have his cake and eat it, too. He won't give her up. Why should he when he can talk you around?

Go live your life! Four children are a blessing. Love them. Live a life with them. You will probably meet someone else who can love only you. I wish that for you.


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## sandy7680 (Sep 2, 2015)

I appreciate all the advice. Thank you all. I agree with you. I think I just needed to hear from others that I'm not just giving up on my marriage bc it got bumpy. I'm legitimate for ending it. As far as dating goes umm I think I'm all good for a long while  I think I'm a little too damaged for any relationship. Again, thank you all. You have definitely been a huge help.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Just stay strong and dont go into depresion. Life is beautiful .
You have 4 kids so you can go to some places with them.

Talk to someone,just like you did here. Sometimes it is a lot easier if there is somebody just to listen to you.

Serve him with D and be happy


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sandy7680 said:


> Omg thank you all so much. You have made me feel like I'm not going crazy for thinking these things. I did tho file for divorce back in may but we were so back n forth at that time that I never went to the testimony so it got dismissed. Everytime I bring up something he gets pissed off n walks away. Like I'm not validated for my feelings.


Classic cheater manipulation tactic to wear you down so you will give in and give up. Being dismissive, ignoring, avoiding, all stonewalling tactics that would drive anyone crazy. Don't engage with him anymore, go NC or 180 (if he is still in the house) while quietly doing the actions mentioned above. If he doesn't fight for you and the kids when the chips are down, you know that you should not stay with him anyway and you win either way.

if you allow him to manipulate you into acquiescence (that is what he is aiming for, so he can have you and do what he likes), your life will become even more unbearable due to the dishonesty and his hurtful actions.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sandy, I encourage you to keep posting through this journey. This is a safe place to vent and to get ideas of ways to handle all you will need to face. You're a strong mom.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, be strong and complete the divorce papers. Your husband is cheating and had that lover's tryst in the Poconos. He takes you for a fool. He will continue his affair and you will be in a "Yo Yo Ride". You will lose your mind in this environment. Save yourself and your children. Sorry to see you here.


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