# Running out of time



## Rduguay (Nov 11, 2018)

Hi! I’m new here and decided to log on to see if anyone else out there is going through something similar

My spouse and I have been together for 6 years. When we met he said he would marry me after 3. 

Now he says he no longer believes in marriage... I feel like I did something wrong, not matter how many times he tells me I didn’t. He still says he wants to be with me forever.

Why do I feel so broken? When do we decide if love is more important than what we believe in? 

I feel betrayed!

Thanks for listening 🙂 looking forward to learning and sharing


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Welcome to TAM. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Do the two of you live together? Do you have any children?

How old are the two of you.

I think that your first problem is that you are letting his decision to not marry make you feel broken. Why is that? You have no control over what he feels and/or believes. So why are you allowing his feelings/beliefs make you feel broken? I don't think you are broken. I think you are at a point where you need to decide what is important to you. So let's explore that.

Why is marriage important to you? I'm not challenging the importance of marriage. I'm simply asking you to articulate what why you think that marriage is important as opposed to just being together without marriage.

What is it about marriage that has led him to no longer believe in marriage?


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## Rduguay (Nov 11, 2018)

Hi EleGirl

Thank you for your reply.

We have been living together for 5 years so where we live we are considered common-law. We do not have any children yet. I am 30 and he is 33.

I believe the reason marriage is so important to me is because I want to prove to myself that I am not my mom. She sabotaged her marriage and hurt my Father, sister and I very much.

I always thought when I met the love of my life, I would beat all odds and make a marriage work till the end like it should be. I’m even open to just exchanging vows with him without the real ceremony. It’s about the promise to each other.

Every time I try to talk about our life goals he shuts me down. It’s eating away at me and I know it’s affecting our relationship negatively. I know I want to be with him... I just don’t know how to get over this or if I even should!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What did your mother do to botaged her marriage and hurt your father, sister and you? This think that knowing this would help in knowing what feedback would help you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rduguay said:


> Hi! I’m new here and decided to log on to see if anyone else out there is going through something similar
> 
> My spouse and I have been together for 6 years. When we met he said he would marry me after 3.
> 
> ...


You feel broken and betrayed because he said one thing, which you believed and based your decision on, then he changed his mind. You had a plan in mind that you thought he was invested in with you, but then you found out he wasn't.



Rduguay said:


> Every time I try to talk about our life goals he shuts me down. It’s eating away at me and I know it’s affecting our relationship negatively. I know I want to be with him... I just don’t know how to get over this or if I even should!


He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but he doesn't want to discuss common goals for your lives? I think there is more going on here than the fact that he doesn't want to be married. It sounds like he doesn't want to build a future with you at all.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Every time I try to talk about our life goals he shuts me down."
THIS doesn't sound productive in a relationship -- WHY will he not talk about it? It may give a clue as to why he is so down about marriage. Was there anything in his past that may guide you to why he may think this way now? Did something recent happen (his parents or friends divorcing??).

Very sorry you are going through this.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Rduguay said:


> Hi EleGirl
> 
> Thank you for your reply.
> 
> ...


I don't understand why you're ok with 'exchanging vows' without marriage. His past promises have not been kept. Marriage is more than promises.

Has not having children yet been a choice? I'm thinking your trust in him has RIGHTFULLY been diminished. I'd need him to recommit or reconsider my future.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I wonder if some cynicism has creeped in over time. 

Not as a reflection upon you but because of the over exposure to bad news that propagates in every media these days.

For example if you read here you will get a skewed subset of failling relationships. 

You will find young guys who read on various sites saying with regularity that they will never marry, because of issues of infidelity, monogamy, the divorce laws, etc.

I think it is a thing.

So he may feel differently now. It may not be you, but you will likely always feel like it is.

He simply may have lost faith in the institution. If so then the two of you are not on the same page.

You may not be ok with what he wants anymore, and it is ok if sometime you feel like you need to move on.

Relationships are not easy, but that said it still takes a little faith to take the risk.

Maybe offer a prenup?

Maybe some counseling to find some closure to this before calling it quits?

I wish you both well, and hope you can resolve this.


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## Rduguay (Nov 11, 2018)

She went to court and said that my father did things to my sister and I that were not real. He wasn’t allowed to see us till 2 years later when I got very sick. I have a good relationship with my dad now but have always longed for a stable life and family seeing as this is something I never got.

The children this is due to medical problems with me. We have not given up yet though!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do you understand that you are trying to have children with a man who is not committed to you? You are not going to have the happy, stable family you are looking for by having children with this man.


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