# My husband stopped wanting sex :(



## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. My husband had a very healthy sexual appetite for most of them years. Within the last 3 years he has had NO sex drive, and it's very difficult. I can't help but feel it's me...he says it's all him, but it's hard to feel that way. I've tried talking to him, but I get a lot of broken promises. I've asked him to see the dr. He says he will, but never goes through with it. Its such a lonely feeling. I don't know if I can keep living like this, but starting over doesn't sound very fun either. I love him, but I feel like I'm living with roommate, not my husband.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

I recommend you read this thread.

Good luck.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Get his testosterone checked.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Jlynn17 said:


> I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. My husband had a very healthy sexual appetite for most of them years. Within the last 3 years he has had NO sex drive, and it's very difficult. I can't help but feel it's me...he says it's all him, but it's hard to feel that way. I've tried talking to him, but I get a lot of broken promises. I've asked him to see the dr. He says he will, but never goes through with it. Its such a lonely feeling. I don't know if I can keep living like this, but starting over doesn't sound very fun either. I love him, but I feel like I'm living with roommate, not my husband.




- Go to the family doctor and get his testosterone levels checked. They are more than likely low due to aging.


- When us guys hit 30, we start to go downhill and by the time we hit 40, really downhill......


- I too experienced this when I hit my late 30's, all of a sudden I am tired, low energy, low sex drive. I didn't even want to weight train anymore. Then I started taking testosterone boosters and human growth hormone and now I am weight training almost every day, I am getting very muscular and strong, like my 20's again, and I no longer need long naps after work, maybe 30 minutes or so. But until I started taking the supplements, it was horrible for me. Now I am more muscular than even in my 20's and I am getting really big, 255 lbs.......and not fat.


- Or, he may be seeing someone else on the side. You have to cover all the bases here.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

Yes, I wish he would get his testosterone levels checked. I do know that he's not having an affair. We work together, and there are absolutely no signs of that. He also has no reason to. It would even be different if I held out. We always had a very good sex life, even tried exploring new things to keep it that way. I remember when this first started, I felt like it was my fault. I now know that Its not, but how can anybody not want to please their partner one way or another. He always loved oral sex...as the giver and the receiver...he has lost all interest. Thank you for your response...I think it's going to come down to two choices. He either gets medical help or I walk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he taking any medication? Some drugs, especially anti-depressants can completely kill some people's sex drives.

Try to think of anything that changed when he stopped wanting sex. Job stress? Family issues? Medical issues for either of you. Any change in your lives.

Since he used to want sex there is probably some cause for this, so maybe it can be fixed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Make an appointment for him and go with him.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

It's funny you say that. He smokes marijuana here and there. He is also a cigarette smoker. I don't smoke, and I live a more healthy lifestyle. I sometimes feel like he resents that. 
We went to Florida around the time when it started. We had a lot of sex on that trip. 
It was great! It's weird that it kinda seems like things changed when we got home...it's probably just a coincidence.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree with Cuddlebug. Many (most?) men's energy and libido drops off in the mid to late 30's. When I was 36 or 37 my energy suddenly dropped and I gained 10-15 lbs, overnight it seemed. And my physical work load and activity levels hadn't changed, to explain the weight gain. A few years ago my sex drive dropped a little too. We still had it 2-3 times per week, but the wife had to initiate - I just didn't think of it. I was ready to go if she approached me, but I wasn't chasing her anymore. She got very upset, without telling me, and joined TAM and LShack and of course everyone told her I was either cheating, addicted to porn, or had low T. Well none of those things were true. Two T tests since then showed normal levels. I was just in a slump, but it had absolutely nothing to do with my attraction to her. Eventually my drive came up and I think hers lowered a little, and we met in the middle. 

YMMV


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jlynn17 said:


> Yes, I wish he would get his testosterone levels checked. I do know that he's not having an affair. We work together, and there are absolutely no signs of that. He also has no reason to. It would even be different if I held out. We always had a very good sex life, even tried exploring new things to keep it that way. I remember when this first started, I felt like it was my fault. I now know that Its not, but how can anybody not want to please their partner one way or another. He always loved oral sex...as the giver and the receiver...he has lost all interest. Thank you for your response...I think it's going to come down to two choices. He either gets medical help or I walk


This is what I see. 

He either gets help or I walk. Is sex everything in the marriage? 

I think he knows how you feel and might feel powerless to fix this. 

What if it’s he has already gone to the Dr and it’s something that can’t be fixed. He might have a hard time telling you. 

If he goes to the Dr and they say it can’t be fixed?

What if he thinks you will leave already if it can’t be fixed. Why go through the humiliation of confessing he has no sex drive or can’t get it up. If he believes you’ll walk if he can’t, have a good life hope you find what you’re looking for. 

Yes I know how you feel. Love is what binds not sex and sex should never be the building block of any LT relationship. If it is, the relationship will never last because one or the other person will have problems with it eventually. 

Would suggest counseling. Then schedule a Dr’s app and take him. Tell the Dr how it started, what has gone on over the years. 

My case is that my wife got to feeling the only thing I wanted from her was sex. She said that’s the only thing we did together. Might your husband feel the same? My wife and I spent time together as a family with the kids but not one on one. I then asked why would you never go on date nights or get away for the weekend? We have been on 4 dates now in 21 years. My wife never wanted to do anything with out the kids. I took it as she never wanted to do anything with just me. When we talked about this she said her parents never went on date nights or anything else. This was almost 4 years ago. We have been on one date since then. I think I will be staying until my youngest get out of high school, then make my decision. Not due to the lack of sex, but the lack of any real relationship for the past 12-13 years. 

It might be a case of who wants to have sex with someone that doesn’t want the relationship as well. I don’t know how you spend your free time. If the two of you work together then spending time afterwards might be hard.

How is the dating side of the relationship going?


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

I didn't mean for it to sound harsh. He is my best friend. We have a great friendship. I'm just saying..I need more. I love him, but there is no passion. Do you know how it feels to crave passion? 

Okay...3 years ago is when this started, and 3 years ago is when we started working together. 
I started our jewelry business and he quit his job to work with me. He was thrilled to work at home. We have done very well financially, but our sex life has been non existent. We don't struggle financially anymore, so you'd think that would of made things better....well that didn't happen.

We are different in many ways. I like long walks and a good movie. He like the discovery channel and 4 wheeling. 
I'd prefer to live on the water...he prefers the woods. We do compromise when it comes to that stuff.

He is still very sexy to me...and I can't help but want to be intimate with him. I understand that there's MORE than sex to a relationship, but what if there's NO sex? It's torture!

Thanks guys for your help. I've never been on a forum. It helps to talk about it. I can't talk to family, because I'd never want it to get back to him...or to embarrass him.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Jlynn17 said:


> Okay...3 years ago is when this started, and 3 years ago is when we started working together.


Well there ya have it. You're spending too much time together. You used to work separately, then enjoy seeing each other at the end of the day. Now there's not that "rushing home to my sexy wife" feeling for him every afternoon. He sees you all day. ALL day. And you two are toiling at work all day, not doing the fun and/or romantic things you used to on weekends and vacations.

Your "just us" time used to be relaxing and enjoying each other. Now the bulk of your time together is working. That'll take the steam out of his sails. You should fire him. He'll find a new job and get back on his feet in no time - and have a sexy wife to come home to every night :wink2: .


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

You're probably right...ugh.
I actually very much considered that. We see each other all day pretty much every day. 
I though, would quit what I'm working on to have a quicky...or a not so quicky. 

I may have to can his ass. lol


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many of us know what it feels like to crave passion and to be constantly turned down by the person we love. Its really awful - you have lots of sympathy!

If this is timed with your starting a business and him quitting his job - could there be something there? Since you are working together, does that introduce new stress / hostility? You said "I started our jewelry business...". Is it *your* business? Might he feel that he is working *for* your and has lost some level of authority / control over his life?

Think about whether the change in jobs changed the "power" structure in your relationship - not intentionally, but just as a natural result? 

I know that I would have a difficult time working with / for my wife. My relationship too co-workers is very different from my relationship to friends or lovers. 






Jlynn17 said:


> I didn't mean for it to sound harsh. He is my best friend. We have a great friendship. I'm just saying..I need more. I love him, but there is no passion. Do you know how it feels to crave passion?
> 
> Okay...3 years ago is when this started, and 3 years ago is when we started working together.
> I started our jewelry business and he quit his job to work with me. He was thrilled to work at home. We have done very well financially, but our sex life has been non existent. We don't struggle financially anymore, so you'd think that would of made things better....well that didn't happen.
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Read “Mating in Captivity”. Eros requires distance. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jlynn17 said:


> I didn't mean for it to sound harsh. He is my best friend. We have a great friendship. I'm just saying..I need more. I love him, but there is no passion. Do you know how it feels to crave passion? *Yes I do. Along with loneliness and the feeling of not really being wanted. So I turned to my kids for the past years and they became my life.*
> 
> Okay...3 years ago is when this started, and 3 years ago is when we started working together.
> I started our jewelry business and he quit his job to work with me. He was thrilled to work at home. We have done very well financially, but our sex life has been non existent. We don't struggle financially anymore, so you'd think that would of made things better....well that didn't happen.
> ...


I would schedule a counseling session and inform him about it. If he refuses be blunt about your needs and if he cares so little about them then there might need to be so changes in the near future. That he can work with you on this or you can find someone that will after the divorce. 

Be honest about how you feel. I felt the same many of times over the years. Like I said earlier my youngest graduates in two years, I don’t know if I will stay wife my wife afterwards. This has been going on for around 20 years now for me. The last 13-14 the worst. 

I do take responsibility for my part. I didn’t communicate what I was needing right. I would ask if things were ok and my W always said yes. When I would ask about doing things as a couple she always said she didn’t want to leave the kids with family or just said she didn’t want to. I never push or asked why, just took it as never wanting to do anything with me. I should have pushed the issue back then when it could have done some good. 

Anyway don’t let this go on like I did. Get it figured out one way or another now. 

Best of luck.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Let me start by saying I don’t understand men.

This will sound harsh, but you sound like you can hear some sarcasm.

Maybe he feels pathetic working for you in your business. Worse yet he might think it’s women’s work. And he’s too milk toast to say anything, so he’s taking it out on you in this passive aggressive weird no more sex way. His manhood has been crushed.

Make him go get a job in construction and wear a hard hat and see if he turns into your he man again.

It’s just a thought. I wouldn’t understand it, but I don’t understand how any man could pass up a chance at sex with his nubile wife.

Good luck.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

Once again I hit a dead end road. He does NOT like to talk about issues about sex. He shuts right down. I asked him what he thinks would be the best way to handle this....

He says that we need more quality time. I'm thinking to myself "Are you frickin' kidding me?" I want to feel like I'm out with my husband, not my roommate. 
So, I'm thinking great quality time could be making love by the fireplace or on the bathroom sink for all I care...a bubble bath maybe? Nope.. he thinks we should go to the casino for quality time...yes...seriously. 
I'm a hopeless romantic...and this feels hopeless. :/

I don't even think therapy will help this situation. I guess I feel like if my husband doesn't want to have sex with me on his own, than I definitely don't need some therapist trying to talk him into it. 

My daughter has 2 more years of high school. I guess I'll see what happens in the meantime.

I'm just tired of working so hard to feel desired. I've never had this problem before...it's kind of a kick in the stomach. I work hard to keep my body in good shape and I know I'm not ugly. 
I really do think he needs to have his testosterone level checked...

Maybe I'll buy him a hard hat ;-p


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its worth understanding what he wants with this "quality time". Have you tried doing the things he wants to see what happens?

Still its pretty common for LD people to think that *something* is missing that would make them desire sex, but never to be able to find that thing. 






Jlynn17 said:


> Once again I hit a dead end road. He does NOT like to talk about issues about sex. He shuts right down. I asked him what he thinks would be the best way to handle this....
> 
> He says that we need more quality time. I'm thinking to myself "Are you frickin' kidding me?" I want to feel like I'm out with my husband, not my roommate.
> So, I'm thinking great quality time could be making love by the fireplace or on the bathroom sink for all I care...a bubble bath maybe? Nope.. he thinks we should go to the casino for quality time...yes...seriously.
> ...


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Its worth understanding what he wants with this "quality time". Have you tried doing the things he wants to see what happens.




Trust me when I say that I have been trying. I went golfing with him a few times because he loves to golf. It was fun...but nothing really seems to change. 

I do believe we are stuck in a very deep rut. I'll keep trying. 

I appreciate all of your help...I may stick around this site. There seems to be a lot of nice people who give great advice.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you able to talk to him then? He says he needs "quality time" and you have tried to give him that. 

Sadly what is probably going on is that he doesn't want sex and doesn't know why he doesn't want it. (that is pretty clearly the case for my wife). He feels like he should want it, so he tries to explain to himself why he feels this way. In my wife's case, she uses the phrase "tired" to describe lack of sexual interest. Its not really tiredness, she is rarely too tired for other things, its just a word she uses to mean that she doesn't have any sexual desire. After decades I understand that there is nothing I can do to change this - its not about me. 

The one difference in you case is that your husband used to desire sex. I still think its worth thinking hard about everything that has changed. 







Jlynn17 said:


> Trust me when I say that I have been trying. I went golfing with him a few times because he loves to golf. It was fun...but nothing really seems to change.
> 
> I do believe we are stuck in a very deep rut. I'll keep trying.
> 
> I appreciate all of your help...I may stick around this site. There seems to be a lot of nice people who give great advice.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I would suggest you get two books, _Lovebusters_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley. Read them and implement what they suggest in your marriage. If your husbband won't help you out, you may have to guess a bit as to what his top emotional needs are. Set a timeline for this, say maybe 6 months of trying. Be the absolute best spouse you can be during that 6 months (or however long) by stopping any lovebusters you may have been committing and consistently meeting his top emotional needs. The point is to clean up your own side of the street and be the kind of spouse any man would be super-lucky to have. If he responds with more attention, affection, and sex, then start getting him on board with the program. If there's no reaction from him, no improvement, then you may have to make some tough decisions about the future of your marriage. But, do what you can to create change in your marital dynamic before you give up hope entirely.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Are you able to talk to him then? He says he needs "quality time" and you have tried to give him that.


I feel that quality time is an excuse. We've had plenty of quality time. I do believe he's grasping at straws. I tried talking to him last night. I even mention sex therapy (even though I myself am not crazy about that idea). He really isn't interested.
Last night he said he may go running w/me today. I told him that would be great! Guess what? Yep...I ran by myself today...he didn't feel like it. I honestly think if I didn't run I'd lose my mind...it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

I'm not sure how you just except it...that your wife doesn't want to be intimate. I live with it for now,
but I don't think I could ever except it...not for a life time.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Maybe it is time for some blunt and potentially painful conversation. Does he not want sex at all or just not with you? Does he masturbate? Does he watch porn? If so, what does he watch? Is he gay? 

There is another active thread by some guy that is so put off by the fact that his wife is aging that he no longer wants to have sex with her. Maybe your husband is shallow and doesn't like the way you look.

Maybe he's watching a lot of porn and has lost his drive to have sex with humans. Constant porn watching warps people. You could do a test by turning on some porn when you are both in bed to see how he responds.

He might just have a low sex drive for some medical reason. If so, that can be treated in many cases.

If I were you, aside from feeling like crap and getting panicky, I'd be trying to figure out if he is lacking in drive in general or whether it is me he doesn't want.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

No one has brought up the dreaded P word... 

Porn. This may not be the case however as an older guy myself I can't fathom a man losing interest in sex unless involved with something like this on the side. I mean, most men I know could be half dead and still want it. I would check his browser before his T.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Accepting took a long time and it was eventually discussions here that helped. People who are naturally LD just are that way. Not a choice, not being selfish - they just don't have the sex drive that seems so natural to others, and whats worse, they can't imagine having it. 

As the HD person in a HD/LD relationship, after having exhausted trying to fix the problem you are left with the unfortunate choices.

Leave: You can do this. Lack of sex is a valid reason to end a marriage

Cheat: I don't recommend it but some people get their sexual desires met outside of marriage. Sadly since most LD people don't understand desire they are very unlikely to agree to an "open" marriage. I think this is a poor choice but it is a choie.

Live like a monk / nun: People can live without sex. If you decide to stay you need to be able to convince yourself that you can be happy with out sex. If masturbating to porn works, then go for it - it not like a porn addiction will cause problems for you LD partner.

I don't like those choices but I think that is what you get. I chose to live like a monk because other parts of our relationship are good, and I just can't bring myself to do what she would see as abandoning her. 




Jlynn17 said:


> I feel that quality time is an excuse. We've had plenty of quality time. I do believe he's grasping at straws. I tried talking to him last night. I even mention sex therapy (even though I myself am not crazy about that idea). He really isn't interested.
> Last night he said he may go running w/me today. I told him that would be great! Guess what? Yep...I ran by myself today...he didn't feel like it. I honestly think if I didn't run I'd lose my mind...it's the only thing that keeps me sane.
> 
> I'm not sure how you just except it...that your wife doesn't want to be intimate. I live with it for now,
> but I don't think I could ever except it...not for a life time.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

He needs his testosterone levels checked and a general physical. There could be a whole bunch of things. He could be pre-diabetic/diabetic, his blood pressure could be running high, does he have any physical pain? Libido just does not die, something has to kill it. There are a multitude of physiological factors which could naturally defeat any testosterone level. At the very least, a full blood panel.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Jlynn17 said:


> It's funny you say that. He smokes marijuana here and there. He is also a cigarette smoker. I don't smoke, and I live a more healthy lifestyle. I sometimes feel like he resents that.
> We went to Florida around the time when it started. We had a lot of sex on that trip.
> It was great! It's weird that it kinda seems like things changed when we got home...*it's probably just a coincidence*.


Not likely. He goes from enjoying sex all the time to never wanting it at all? Something caused it. A man's sexual drive doesn't fall off a cliff for no reason.



WorkingOnMe said:


> Read “Mating in Captivity”. Eros requires distance.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If someone views marriage as a prison, then Mating in Captivity might help them. But in my opinion those people just aren't fit for marriage. Erotic desire doesn't require the kind of distance that the author recommends. She's writing to a segment of the population who find marriage claustrophobic and dull. People who have a short attention span, lack commitment, and are use to sleeping with a new person every other week.

But I posted my copy to ebay last night if you want it OP.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

uhtred said:


> I don't like those choices but I think that is what you get. I chose to live like a monk because other parts of our relationship are good, and I just can't bring myself to do what she would see as abandoning her.



I definitely give you credit. You're a strong man.

I have never had an affair...and porn is much different for woman...self pleasuring gets old too. 
I understand that there's a reason that he is going through this. I keep hearing a lot of..."there's got to be a reason, men don't just stop wanting sex". Well...that's what happened...yes we work together....I don't treat him any different then I did before...if anything he has more time to do the stuff he loves to do. He swears it's not me, and that it's him". 

He's going to have to figure what he wants...maybe I'm too predictable. I have never given him a reason to wonder what I'm doing. He always knows. He told our daughter not too long ago..."One of the things I love about your mom is that we can walk into a room, all eyes are on her, but hers are always on me", and its true...I never would want him to feel any other way. 
So anyhow.. know it's not porn...he's not cheating....I know He still loves how I look...he treats me great, other than our intimacy, but that is pretty important to me.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Jlynn17 said:


> I definitely give you credit. You're a strong man.
> 
> I have never had an affair...and porn is much different for woman...self pleasuring gets old too.
> I understand that there's a reason that he is going through this. I keep hearing a lot of..."there's got to be a reason, men don't just stop wanting sex". *Well...that's what happened*...yes we work together....I don't treat him any different then I did before...if anything he has more time to do the stuff he loves to do. He swears it's not me, and that it's him".
> ...


Yes, something has happened, that caused him to stop wanting sex.

Your husband is a grown man, this isn't the third grade. He should be able to talk about sex with his wife. The crud he's spouting about "it's not you, it's me" is a cop-out answer. It may be true, it may be him, but that's hardly helpful. You don't care who's fault it is, you care about what the problem is. So tell him that, you want a solution, not blame properly assigned.

You need to communicate that you are very unhappy, and that you need this fixed. If he fails to fix the problem and blows the issue off, then you should start introducing consequences for his actions.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Strong or lazy? Opinions would vary. 

It would be interesting to hear from anyone in this situation. There are a lot of posts from people who's partners were always LD, and those situations rarely improve. Is there anyone here whos partner went from normal D to LD - and then things got better?

To me that is the big mystery here. OP - you didn't change, I believe that. So he did. How common is it for people to just lose sexual desire?

In the past was he enthusiastic about sex? Any chance he was doing it because he thought it was expected, but never really wanted that much?

In any case, I strongly doubt it is anything you are doing or not doing - at least with regard to sex. It is worth continuing to think about the rest of your interactions. 

Its really important to try to find some answer, because its no fun living in a mismatched relationship.






Jlynn17 said:


> I definitely give you credit. You're a strong man.
> 
> I have never had an affair...and porn is much different for woman...self pleasuring gets old too.
> I understand that there's a reason that he is going through this. I keep hearing a lot of..."there's got to be a reason, men don't just stop wanting sex". Well...that's what happened...yes we work together....I don't treat him any different then I did before...if anything he has more time to do the stuff he loves to do. He swears it's not me, and that it's him".
> ...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Jlynn17 said:


> I understand that there's a reason that he is going through this. I keep hearing a lot of..."there's got to be a reason, men don't just stop wanting sex". Well...that's what happened....


Something may have changed biologically. That's what most people are trying to get at. It may have nothing to do with your relationship. Maybe a switch flipped in him.

For most men, wanting sex (or orgasms) is an innate need much like hunger. If he said he no longer felt hunger, you'd know something was wrong. Depending on the state of your relationship he may want sex more or less with you, but his desire for orgasms should still be there. There are likely two possibilities:

1. He is satisfying his need for sexual pleasure in a way that doesn't involve you (e.g. masturbation).

2. There is a chemical imbalance which is killing his drive (e.g. low testosterone).

Testosterone is what makes men horny on a day-to-day basis.  If his level was low, that would greatly affect his desire for sexual pleasure.

The difference for women is that their drive is often tied to their relationship. If they are not in a relationship or not happy with their relationship, their sexual drive can go to zero. That's not the case with men. Men will generally pursue regular orgasms one way or another regardless of what's going on in their life and relationship.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Well, I might as well give you the same advice I would give a man in your situation.

Tell him you didn't sign on for a lifetime of celibacy. You have needs too and if he isn't interested in doing something to alleviate the problem (i.e. getting his T checked or going to sex therapist) then he is essentially forcing you to go out and find a boyfriend to take care of you. Ask him if that's what he really wants?

This sounds a lot like @EI 's situation before her H got his act together.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I'm not sure about the marijuana smoking. That can't be healthy. Could affect the sex drive. It's a very passive thing. Worth looking into. I expect you have checked any secret porn. That is often a diversion of the sexual drive onto something else.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Make an appointment for him and go with him.


THIS!! Make appointment and go with him. He likely is afraid of his T actually being low. (less of a man and all that) Maybe he doesnt realize how truly important this is to you. If his T has dropped he might just not think of sex much anymore. 


Jlynn17 said:


> Trust me when I say that I have been trying. I went golfing with him a few times because he loves to golf. It was fun...but nothing really seems to change.
> 
> I do believe we are stuck in a very deep rut. I'll keep trying.
> 
> I appreciate all of your help...I may stick around this site. There seems to be a lot of nice people who give great advice.


I love golf as well. No playful banter about playing with his stiff shaft or his woods later? I mean its a game made for sexual innuendo. Balls, shafts, wood, holes, rough, strokes.

But seriously if activities like this dont seem to help much, I again come back to testosterone.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Middle of Everything said:


> THIS!! Make appointment and go with him. He likely is afraid of his T actually being low. (less of a man and all that) Maybe he doesnt realize how truly important this is to you. If his T has dropped he might just not think of sex much anymore.
> 
> I love golf as well. No playful banter about playing with his stiff shaft or his woods later? I mean its a game made for sexual innuendo. Balls, shafts, wood, holes, rough, strokes.
> 
> But seriously if activities like this dont seem to help much, I again come back to testosterone.


"Take your wood and try using a different grip on your shaft"


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The advice to go with your husband to the doctors appointment is excellent. I make my wife accompany me to all my appointments. 

People are secretive and liars, especially about medical issues. You don’t know what your husband said to the doctor unless you heard it with your own ears. You have no idea what the doctor said if you did not hear it yourself.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

wilson said:


> The difference for women is that their drive is often tied to their relationship. If they are not in a relationship or not happy with their relationship, their sexual drive can go to zero. That's not the case with men. Men will generally pursue regular orgasms one way or another regardless of what's going on in their life and relationship.


Sadly, I'm not happy...I don't think it's fair to live like this. After I had our daughter, I was naturally more tired and a little more anxious...not always in the mood...but I would at least pleasure him, because I loved him and it made him happy.

I feel like if he really loved me he would at least satisfy me once in a while...I'm not asking for the moon..geesh.

The sad thing is...I've had many opportunities to cheat. Because I'm not that type...I wouldn't...but I'm not saying I haven't wanted to.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Jlynn17 said:


> Sadly, I'm not happy...I don't think it's fair to live like this. After I had our daughter, I was naturally more tired and a little more anxious...not always in the mood...but I would at least pleasure him, because I loved him and it made him happy.
> 
> I feel like if he really loved me he would at least satisfy me once in a while...I'm not asking for the moon..geesh.
> 
> The sad thing is...I've had many opportunities to cheat. Because I'm not that type...I wouldn't...but I'm not saying I haven't wanted to.


Some people just don't get it!


Sucks!

And it seems like thet never will.

Wish I had the answer....well I do have an answer. Accept it or end it.

Either way it sucks..


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

Tron said:


> Well, I might as well give you the same advice I would give a man in your situation.
> 
> Tell him you didn't sign on for a lifetime of celibacy. You have needs too and if he isn't interested in doing something to alleviate the problem (i.e. getting his T checked or going to sex therapist) then he is essentially forcing you to go out and find a boyfriend to take care of you. Ask him if that's what he really wants?
> 
> This sounds a lot like @EI 's situation before her H got his act together.


I have repeatedly tried talking to him about this. I understand that it can be uncomfortable to talk about, but he kinda shuts down...and makes it impossible.

Many times I ask myself "what the hell am I doing?" 
I have never been unfaithful...but it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. That's terrible...I'm just so frustrated. 

Another thing he started doing is playing guitar. Not in clubs, just at home. I do feel it has started to consume him. 
Want to know something pathetic....I'm jealous of his guitar...ugh. :frown2:


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

He hugs and strokes his guitar.

Seems reasonable to me to be jealous of it.

Seems to me the fact he does not want to work hard with you to find a resolution that works for you means he does not love you. No amount of embarrassment should get in the way. Nothing should stop him, if he loves you.

That's what I think.

I will add a caveat. My wife is psychologically damaged and there are things she can not do, no matter how much she wants to. She was diagnosed by psychologists and psychiatrists and underwent several years of psychotherapy. 

If you husband needs that to meet you needs he better get to it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

All this matches the patterns I've seen in typical LD people. The only mystery is why it changed.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it - will do her best to deflect any conversation away from sex. She spends a lot of time on her hobbies - sometimes feels like an excuse to be sure she is too busy for sex. For a long time I wondered how she could care so little about me that she would be sitting at the computer for hours when we hadn't had sex in over a month.

In the end I have to accept that LDs simply do not have and do not understand sexual desire. 

If you are the HD in a HD/LD relationship, I don't think there is any way you can avoid thinking about cheating. Probably even worse for a woman because I think its generally easier for women to get casual sex if they want it. A little voice in the back of your head saying "I agreed to a marriage, not to be celebrate - if he / she doesn't want me, what right does he/she have to keep me from having sex with someone else". Opportunities will occur even if you don't go looking.

Its no way to live. In hindsight I probably should have left a very long time ago. Its just that after spending most of your life with someone, that no longer seems like a reasonable option. So don't do that! If you can't fix it, leave while you can. 






Jlynn17 said:


> I have repeatedly tried talking to him about this. I understand that it can be uncomfortable to talk about, but he kinda shuts down...and makes it impossible.
> 
> Many times I ask myself "what the hell am I doing?"
> I have never been unfaithful...but it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it. That's terrible...I'm just so frustrated.
> ...


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Its no way to live. In hindsight I probably should have left a very long time ago. Its just that after spending most of your life with someone, that no longer seems like a reasonable option. So don't do that! If you can't fix it, leave while you can.



Well, if nothing else. I'm not alone...thank you for sharing. You know misery loves company...jk. :wink2:


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> <snip> A little voice in the back of your head saying "I agreed to a marriage, not to be celebrate <snip>


Talk about a typo.

If only she could celebrate.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

- This all started when you opened your own jewelry business and your hubby quit his job to work with you.


- It could be the fact at first he loved the idea, but now he realized he works for / with you.


- He doesn't have his own work anymore.


- You are together 24/7 now, instead of working your own separate jobs away from each other (you need daily space apart)


- I remember working at my last job and there was a married couple both at the shop. I remember hearing him say, don't work at the same place as your spouse......


- At my current job, there is another married couple both working there and they seem just fine.


- Some people need their space and others don't.


- Myself, I don't know if I could work in the same company with Mrs.CuddleBug. It would sound fun at first, but I really don't know.......


- As a man, your hubby should be all over you, pestering you for sex and you should be saying I'm not in the mood, instead of the other way around.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

Woohoo! 
He is going to the Dr. on Monday. 
We sat down, and I was sincere but firm. 
I just explained to him that I love him, but I love myself too...and want to be happy. I am willing to work with him to figure this out. If he is willing, I am willing...if he is not willing...then there is no reason to stay together. 
He explained more to me than ever before...he swears he's not watching porn...not having an affair...he just does not and can not get it up...He says that there's not another woman he'd ever want to be with, and I believe him, because there would be signs...He is very moral.

We will find out more next week.

Thanks to all, and I will keep ya's informed...wish us luck. If any of you need to vent or just talk...don't hesitate to pm me...good luck to all of you!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Jlynn17 said:


> Woohoo!
> He is going to the Dr. on Monday.
> We sat down, and I was sincere but firm.
> I just explained to him that I love him, but I love myself too...and want to be happy. I am willing to work with him to figure this out. If he is willing, I am willing...if he is not willing...then there is no reason to stay together.
> ...


Good Luck!

I hope you go into the doctor's appointment with him.


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## Jlynn17 (Jan 24, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Good Luck!
> 
> I hope you go into the doctor's appointment with him.


Oh, I plan on it.

I have to hope for the best...I'm trying to be optimistic. 

Thank you WilliamM for all your great advice. Getting advice from you and others has helped a lot. Just being heard helped. :smile2:


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You know, even as outspoken as I am when the issue of Erectile Dysfunction came up even I was embarrassed to bring it up with the doctor. I switched doctors and insisted my wife come with me to the next appointment.

I am much more comfortable speaking with women than with men, something true all my life, so the doctor I chose is a woman. It was still embarrassing to bring up ED, so I made my wife go with me to another appointment I made specifically to address the ED. I wasn't going to allow my embarrassment during my physical to defeat me for long. I found it fun when my wife jumped right in to discuss the issue with my doctor. Now Mary is always the only one who speaks about it, and the two of them discuss it while I just listen. I like it that way.

Of course I am not at all like other guys, so my experience is not actually a good barometer to judge anyone else by.

Erectile Dysfunction was the first issue I was embarrassed about. Interesting. I am sure it is because it strikes at my masculinity.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I should have thought about ED much earlier in this conversation. Some men are so worried about it that they will stop having sex rather than risk not being able to "perform". 

One of the biggest causes of ED is ... stress about ED. Really.

If you think that is the issue, just take intercourse off the table (er bed..) for a while. Let him know that he can please you other ways that you enjoy as much (if that is even close to true). A lot of times, with the pressure off, the problem goes away on its own.






Jlynn17 said:


> Woohoo!
> He is going to the Dr. on Monday.
> We sat down, and I was sincere but firm.
> I just explained to him that I love him, but I love myself too...and want to be happy. I am willing to work with him to figure this out. If he is willing, I am willing...if he is not willing...then there is no reason to stay together.
> ...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, ED can really strike a guy where it hurts.

Any is too much. I've read where a guy will let one failure completely defeat him. Mine is the result of my blood pressure medications, so we know why. It's a common and expected result of the meds. After the first couple issues with it I said this was nonsense and we were going to do something about it, and I took my wife to the appointment, just to make sure we discussed the issue. Even taking my wife to the physical the appointment went so fast, as doctor appointments often do, it was over before I got around to saying anything. My wife was chagrined we let the opportunity escape us, and glad I made another appointment the next week specifically to address the ED.

I gather most men don't want to even admit the issue to their wives, let alone have them involved in addressing it. My doctor fully understands me getting treated is just as important to my wife as it is to me, and they have no problem discussing it.

There are many reasons a man might have ED, both psychological and physical. 

I take Cialis daily now. My wife calls them happy pills.


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