# Wife’s Insecurity and Jealously



## BradfromtheBay (Sep 18, 2021)

This seems to be a common theme, I guess I am struggling to find a real answer. My wife and I have been together just under 10 years, we are both in our 50s. We were both married before, we have kids from our prior relationships, all are adults now.

She was in a bad spot when we met. Her x had left her, she had tried to reconcile and failed. She ended up working in a rub & tug place, heavily in debt and just barely surviving. Yeah, I expected some baggage when we got together, I figured we could make it work,
against all odds.

The first year was hell, she was incredibly insecure, assumed I would leave her at any moment, crazy jealousy issues, etc. Somehow we stayed together, I still wonder how.

Overtime, the true person she was came out. Despite all the baggage and history, she was a wonderful person. Loyal, loving, all about family and home, we decided to get married after about two years of dating.

When she hit menopause and her 50s, something changed. The insecurities came back.

She losses it over simple things. She may see me texting on my phone and will accuse me of texting with other women. We belong to a motorbike group on FB and have a joint profile that we use to exchange notes with members. I responded to a female members’ comment to us and she comes at me all day with accusations and anger. This is a joint account, it’s not like there is anything hidden here. I met a peer at work for coffee, and she was unapproachable all day, in her mind I must have cheated her.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells, constantly. I feel like I am being watched and she is just waiting for a reason to flip. It’s miserable, to the point where I am close to just walking away. I sat her down today and tied to discuss, she blames everything on me. I told her clearly that if it doesn’t stop, this wasn’t going to work. Her answer was to down a half bottle of nightquil, lock herself in our room and sleep - all day.

I am at my whits end. She is like two people. When she is herself, she is wonderful, sweet and loving. When she finds a reason to get upset, she is vindictive, jealous, losses all sense of reality. Sadly, I have all but shut down. Another weekend of accusations, anger and a reiteration of everything I have done wrong or she imagined I’ve done wrong, and I am afraid I will just walk away and watch 10 years of a decent life wash down the drain.

For any of you stuck in a cycle like this, is it even worth it?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The true person she is, is the one she was when you met her. Being financially strapped doesn't create the personality issues she displayed when you met her. That's just who she is. It's still who she is.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Unless she is willing to get mental help from a professional, you're probably not going to be willing to put up with her for much longer. Life is too short. I feel sorry for her because she has to be miserable. However, she must be willing to accept help.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She seems to need help. Whether that is from a doctor or counsellor I not sure but a good experienced counselor should help her to understand why she is this way.


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## EdDean (Sep 12, 2021)

Seems like she needs medical help. Treatment for menopause or depression or both.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

BradfromtheBay said:


> For any of you stuck in a cycle like this, is it even worth it?


Only you can decide that.
When she accused you of texting another woman, why didn't you just hand her your phone?
I'm with @EdDean menopause is a serious condition, HRT might straighten her out.

Rub and tug? ......... 
Who'd employ a woman in her mid-40s to do that?
What customer would pay for that?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I get exhausted just reading it .... 😰


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Did I understand your wife was a sex worker is that correct ? Because that also may be part of the problem....how long did she do that?


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

BradfromtheBay said:


> This seems to be a common theme, I guess I am struggling to find a real answer. My wife and I have been together just under 10 years, we are both in our 50s. We were both married before, we have kids from our prior relationships, all are adults now.
> 
> She was in a bad spot when we met. Her x had left her, she had tried to reconcile and failed. She ended up working in a rub & tug place, heavily in debt and just barely surviving. Yeah, I expected some baggage when we got together, I figured we could make it work,
> against all odds.
> ...


I hate to say this, but extreme jealousy often is projection driven by guilt. In other words, quietly investigate what SHE might be doing behind your back, and you could be shocked and surprised.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

BradfromtheBay said:


> she was a wonderful person. *Loyal*, ...


Are you sure about that?! 
Sounds like she is projecting!
I would dig deeper (snoop) just to make sure, unless you had enough and you want to bail out, then don't waste your time snooping!
It could be other mental or menopause issues and she is indeed loyal, but known what I know about cheaters I would start to dig deeper before I invest more in this relationship!


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## BradfromtheBay (Sep 18, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Only you can decide that.
> When she accused you of texting another woman, why didn't you just hand her your phone?
> I'm with @EdDean menopause is a serious condition, HRT might straighten her out.
> 
> ...


So, I did hand her the phone, or more precisely she took it from me. When she realized it was work related, she literally threw it back at me, and accused me of hiding the "real" text messages. I work with computers, so she assumes I can magically hide/change conversations. 

On the rub & tug bit, well lets just say you would be surprised.


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## BradfromtheBay (Sep 18, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Did I understand your wife was a sex worker is that correct ? Because that also may be part of the problem....how long did she do that?


So, sex worker has lots of implications. It may be a fine line, but there is a difference between a massage parlor that offers a hand job as an extra service, a massage parlor the does "full service" (i.e. sex) and an escort. Many people may see it as all the same, but the girls do not. To answer your question, about 2.5 years. To answer the next likely question, yes it did mess with her emotions and self esteem. She was a teacher prior to everything in her life falling part, she gave up her whole support structure (home country, friends, family) trying to make it work with her X and with few other choices, ended up doing the massage work. Yes, that brought a lot of baggage and that first year or so was not easy.


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## BradfromtheBay (Sep 18, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Are you sure about that?!
> Sounds like she is projecting!
> I would dig deeper (snoop) just to make sure, unless you had enough and you want to bail out, then don't waste your time snooping!
> It could be other mental or menopause issues and she is indeed loyal, but known what I know about cheaters I would start to dig deeper before I invest more in this relationship!


It may be, but if she is cheating, she is amazingly good at it. She never hides her stuff (cell phone) and given Covid we have both been stuck at home most the time this last year. It would be damned near impossible.
I guess I could snoop and track her, etc. I am just not willing to do the same thing to her that she is doing to me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BradfromtheBay said:


> So, sex worker has lots of implications. It may be a fine line, but there is a difference between a massage parlor that offers a hand job as an extra service, a massage parlor the does "full service" (i.e. sex) and an escort. Many people may see it as all the same, but the girls do not. To answer your question, about 2.5 years. To answer the next likely question, yes it did mess with her emotions and self esteem. She was a teacher prior to everything in her life falling part, she gave up her whole support structure (home country, friends, family) trying to make it work with her X and with few other choices, ended up doing the massage work. Yes, that brought a lot of baggage and that first year or so was not easy.


Here is really what I am getting I am guessing most of her clients were married men, so I can definitely see where she is paranoid that you would cheat.....I am also guessing that somebody these men were regulars with her.???did she ever tell you she crossed the line with them.....here again if that did happen she could probably see you doing that even if that is not you...make sense


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

EdDean said:


> Seems like she needs medical help. Treatment for menopause or depression or both.


I'm not sure if treating her for depression first will help...she sounds anxious bordering on obsessive/compulsive, but it could definitely be triggered by the hormonal changes of menopause. 

@BradfromtheBay, have you guys ever gone to counseling, or her alone...?


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## BradfromtheBay (Sep 18, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Here is really what I am getting I am guessing most of her clients were married men, so I can definitely see where she is paranoid that you would cheat.....I am also guessing that somebody these men were regulars with her.???did she ever tell you she crossed the line with them.....here again if that did happen she could probably see you doing that even if that is not you...make sense


yes, that is probably true. I am sure she had regulars and I can't imaging she never crossed the line either thinking the client might become a boyfriend, or just because she is human. This was all 10+ years ago, it's easy to put some of these details long out of sight and out of mind.


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## BradfromtheBay (Sep 18, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm not sure if treating her for depression first will help...she sounds anxious bordering on obsessive/compulsive, but it could definitely be triggered by the hormonal changes of menopause.
> 
> @BradfromtheBay, have you guys ever gone to counseling, or her alone...?


no, we should but it would open doors that would be hard to open again. 10 years is a long time and a lot gets put away and forgotten, I had hoped it might stay that way, but that seems not to be the case.


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