# Another Miscarriage



## Created2Write

A couple of weeks ago DH and I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't planned it, but we were thrilled at the news. Less than a week later I miscarried the baby. 

Neither of us is doing well. Especially me. Just when I think the grieving is over, I completely break down. I have no idea how to process this or get through it. Today has been a particularly difficult day, and I came online to ask if anyone here has any tips or advice. I could really use them. If not, then all I ask is that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is the single hardest thing I've ever dealt with, including the miscarriage before this. 

Thank you.


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## mablenc

I'm so sorry,  I can't even imagine how you feel. But know this, that there are many of us that are here to support you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lace5262

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers.


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## ConanHub

My friend and his wife just had another miscarriage as well.
I am so sorry. I don't have good advice, I have done no research, but you and your H will be in my prayers. The most I can do is cry for you, and I am.


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## MSP

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, C2W. 

How has your health been?


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## Holland

I am so sorry to hear this C2W. No words that can help you but sending you strength and good wishes.


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## Created2Write

Thank you all so much. Conan, you brought tears to my eyes. 

MSP, my health has been alright as far as I can tell. The miscarriage was early into the pregnancy, barely a month in from what I could tell, so the actual miscarriage was mild and relatively painless. I've been very tired though. And emotionally, I'm basically a wreck. DH has been taking some time off of work to stay home with me, and I thank God he works where he does because his boss told him to take as much time as he needed to get through this. 

I've been trying to distract myself most of the time. Most of the time I just don't have the strength to even _feel_ grief, much less process through it, so I keep it in until it bubbles over. Then I feel better, and I think I'm through it all, and a few days will go by and the process starts all over again. 

We want to try again. We were so ready to have a baby, and so excited for it! It's been almost a year since the last miscarriage. From the day I took the positive pregnancy test to the day I started the miscarriage, I had nightmares about losing the baby every night. And now I'm terrified of what will happen with the next pregnancy. 

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support. I feel very alone right now, so it helps to know that I'm not.


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## heartsbeating

Very sorry to hear of this. 

Are your family aware and are you able to turn to them for support?

Thinking of you sweetheart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound

My condolences. This may be a good place to pour your soul out. The ladies here are very sweet and supportive. You have my prayers.


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## Oldrandwisr

I am thinking of you and your hubby and hoping you can support each other during the ups and downs. We are here for you anytime to give you a shoulder to cry on. Take good care of yourself.


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## sandc

So sorry to read this. Caramel and I will pray for you.

Caramel miscarried what would have been our third child. It's never easy.


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## tom67

My sister has had a few until the miracle baby at 42. He is almost 2 and she is pregnant again.
You sound strong and you are young I hope hubby is just being there for you. I'm so sorry.


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## soccermom2three

I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and good thoughts.


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## Ikaika

I am so sorry to hear this, Aloha.

Malama pono


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## 2galsmom

I am glad I checked here, I would not have known this Created2Write, I am so sorry. I went through several and no one could offer me words that made me feel better. I wish you all the joy in the world and a healthy bundle of love when the Universe knows it is time right for you and your husband.


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## larry.gray

I'm so sorry to hear this C2W. You two are in my prayers.

One thing I've learned from going through this is it is so common. Too many people suffer in silence. Once it happens to you, others share their stories. It's all so heartbreaking.


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## larry.gray

2galsmom said:


> I am glad I checked here, I would not have known this Created2Write, I am so sorry. I went through several and no one could offer me words that made me feel better. I wish you all the joy in the world and a healthy bundle of love when the Universe knows it is time right for you and your husband.


There is nothing to say that will make it "better." All attempts to make someone feel better about it only end up minimizing people's pain.


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## RedRose14

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages C2W, I have had three miscarriages myself so understand how upsetting it is.

As far as dealing with it, I found the best thing for me was to focus on getting pregnant again, trying to keep myself healthy. I went to a Chinese Herbalist and Acupuncturist before getting pregnant and then in the very early stages to help sustain my pregnancies. The two times that I saw the herbalist were the two pregnancies that resulted in my children. It could be coincidence, or it could be the reason why I have my children. It's certainly worth a go anyway.

I wish you all the very best C2W.


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## WyshIknew

Sorry to hear this C2W.

One of those times that I really don't know what to say.

Just know that as well as your IRL friends you have friends on TAM to turn to as well.


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## omgitselaine

My condolences for your loss.

You and your husband are in our prayers.


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## southern wife

C2W,

I've been through this before, a long time ago (1994). I've also had a DNC, which was the absolute worst thing to go through. We were going for our 10 week check-up and to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. My tummy was growing as if everything was normal. I'm sad to say that there was no heartbeat. I had to have it removed. This was in January 2005. A few months later, I was pregnant again and my healthy, most beautiful baby girl was born just after Christmas that year. 

Miracles do happen and you have a lot of prayers coming your way. Try to remain positive and know a baby is in your future. I can tell it's your heart's desire; it was always in mine as well.

Stay strong and keep your mind and body healthy. Try not to think negative as that will affect everything, as far as getting pregnant and remaining pregnant is concerned. Take great care of yourself and I'm glad your husband is there by your side.


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## CharlieParker

I'm saddened to hear this.


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## Faithful Wife

I was wondering where you've been....



So sorry.


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## Created2Write

:'(


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## AnnieAsh

C2W, we just went through a miscarriage in Sept. The heavy bleeding started at my daughter's birthday party. We went straight from the party to the ER. It was too late. 

It hurts now, honey, I know. It hurts like someone ripped your hopes and dreams away. It doesn't help NOW but the worst of it will pass. 

And you know what? If you burst into tears randomly or have a hard time? THAT IS NORMAL. Don't hide it. Let it flow. Don't bottle it up, ok? Grieve with your hubby. Grieve with your family. 

*HUGE HUGS*


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## Thunder7

Created2Write said:


> A couple of weeks ago DH and I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't planned it, but we were thrilled at the news. Less than a week later I miscarried the baby.
> 
> Neither of us is doing well. Especially me. Just when I think the grieving is over, I completely break down. I have no idea how to process this or get through it. Today has been a particularly difficult day, and I came online to ask if anyone here has any tips or advice. I could really use them. If not, then all I ask is that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is the single hardest thing I've ever dealt with, including the miscarriage before this.
> 
> Thank you.


Very sorry for your loss. My wife and I suffered a miscarriage many years ago. We think it was because she got pregnant too soon after getting off of the pill. A short while later she got pregnant with our daughter, who was born perfectly healthy. While I cannot offer much in the way of advice I can say that this setback should in no way deter you from having children in the future. Best of luck.


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## Created2Write

Thank Annie. I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well. 

"Bottling things up" is the current struggle I'm facing. I don't know how to face these feelings...or, more accurately, I don't _want_ to face them. They hurt, and it seems backwards to embrace something that causes pain. And, in my head, I think I'm weak for even being in pain over losing a pregnancy that was less than four weeks along. So, I stuff. 

How did you keep from burying your feelings?


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## Ikaika

Created2Write said:


> Thank Annie. I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well.
> 
> "Bottling things up" is the current struggle I'm facing. I don't know how to face these feelings...or, more accurately, I don't _want_ to face them. They hurt, and it seems backwards to embrace something that causes pain. And, in my head, I think I'm weak for even being in pain over losing a pregnancy that was less than four weeks along. So, I stuff.
> 
> How did you keep from burying your feelings?



I don't know if this helps, certainly hope it does not hurt. 

http://www.npr.org/2014/02/10/274687103/the-truth-about-miscarriage-being-in-gestational-limbo


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## committed4ever

So, so sorry, C2W. I had just been thinking about you a few days ago when I was on TAM and it seemed like I hadn't seen you here for awhile. I pray that God will ease your pain and that you and hubby will comfort each other also. Wow. I'm just so sorry.


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## Created2Write

Thanks for that link, dreio. 

Thanks C4E.


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## SimplyAmorous

I was thinking too, where is Created2 write... so very sorry to hear this ... 

Has your doctor offered any suggestions, does he/she feel any testing should be done at this point in time.....or to give it another try...

This article  has some probable causes...but still it is common and there may not be anything wrong at all...and the 3rd time be the charm...

May you find comfort and strength in each other during this time.


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## john1068

I am so sorry for your loss. It's been a long time for my W and I since we experienced miscarriages. Yes, plural. Between 1995 and 2008 we had 5 miscarriages. Interspersed between those miscarriages, however, was THREE successful pregnancies.

They were SO painful. The fifth was no less painful than the first. But, as the OB/GYN explained to us, it's a natural selection process, the body's way of dealing with a improperly forming life. This helped me because I'm very analytical. My wife wore it on her sleeve a bit more than I did, and I think that this is a bit more natural...the baby was in her womb, her bonding was chemical, not just emotional like it was for me. But in the end, she knew that we could always try again, that all the cell-splitting would at some time come together properly and we'd have our little family.

It's all a distant memory now. And the pain of what never was to be is gone. Replaced with the joy of three healthy boys aged 16 to 5. 

You and your DH take your time mourning, lean on each other. A lot of people are praying for you. You will have that family soon, just like we did. And it is all so worth it.


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## techmom

I am so sorry for your loss C2W. Many blessings your way.

My hubby and I experienced a miscarriage, it was a stillbirth. We held a funeral for the baby. It was unbelievably painful. You may come across people in your immediate circle who want you to get over this asap, they may say things like "well you can always have another child". Each child is precious, and every miscarriage hurts, don't let anyone minimize your pain. This is YOUR grieving process, take time and go through each stage.

Stay strong with your hubby, he is grieving too.


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## AnnieAsh

Created2Write said:


> Thank Annie. I'm sorry to hear about your loss as well.
> 
> "Bottling things up" is the current struggle I'm facing. I don't know how to face these feelings...or, more accurately, I don't _want_ to face them. They hurt, and it seems backwards to embrace something that causes pain. And, in my head, I think I'm weak for even being in pain over losing a pregnancy that was less than four weeks along. So, I stuff.
> 
> How did you keep from burying your feelings?


I'm really ashamed to admit that I did for the first little while. I didn't cry for days unless I was all alone. Then I'd cry until I felt like puking. We called the baby Bean and I would just walk around thinking "my Bean is gone. It is my fault. I didn't want this baby enough and God is punishing me." Finally, I had an absolute breakdown. I freaked out on my bathroom floor with my husband and mother watching. Ugh I'm getting teared up thinking about it. I really thought I was being punished. My husband thought I was going to harm myself. 

My dear friend who has lost 5 babies (1 was a set of twin boys in the second trimester) she told me that it hurts no matter what. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. She NEVER told me my pain should be less because I wasn't as far along. NO ONE should ever tell you that and NONE of us think that. Your baby was your baby. 4 weeks or 4 months. 

Your husband is sad too AND is probably worried about you. Turn to him and let him know when you're feeling low or it is hitting you hard. Let it out and let him vent/cry too, ok?


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## bestyet2be

It's possible there was some terrible defect that meant it was a blessing the pregnancy ended sooner, and without any suffering, rather than later, or went all the way to birth. At least this is the thinking that I know always comforted my mother, in regards to a pregnancy from shortly before she was pregnant with me.


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## larry.gray

Created2Write said:


> "Bottling things up" is the current struggle I'm facing. I don't know how to face these feelings...or, more accurately, I don't _want_ to face them. They hurt, and it seems backwards to embrace something that causes pain. And, in my head, I think I'm weak for even being in pain over losing a pregnancy that was less than four weeks along. So, I stuff.


How does hubby feel? Often something women will deal with in the loss of a short pregnancy is that they will be far more devastated than their husband is. There isn't that "there is a life inside me" feeling, it does take a guy a bit longer. No, it is not weak. The moment you got those two lines, you knew there was your child alive, and then it's not. 

I hope that he's at least willing to listen - let you cry, let you talk.



Created2Write said:


> How did you keep from burying your feelings?


Let it go, let it out, cry. It's not wallowing in pain, it is letting your grief flow. It feels bad at the time, but it will indeed make you feel better after you let it out.


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## bbdad

My wife and I had a daughter born with a very rare (<50 in recorded medical history) condition. She passed away just before being 5 months old. All I can say is to lean into each other and don't turn away from each other. Both of you will be suffering in your own way. But, don't let this harm your relationship. Keep praying for answers and reassure each other that your relationship is sound.


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## Cosmos

I'm so sorry, C2W... I can only imagine the pain you and your DH are feeling...


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## Anonymous07

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Let yourself feel every emotion and cry any time you feel like it.


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## Created2Write

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was thinking too, where is Created2 write... so very sorry to hear this ...
> 
> Has your doctor offered any suggestions, does he/she feel any testing should be done at this point in time.....or to give it another try...
> 
> This article  has some probable causes...but still it is common and there may not be anything wrong at all...and the 3rd time be the charm...
> 
> May you find comfort and strength in each other during this time.


No, I haven't had any suggestions from the doctor. I'm wondering if I should request some testing before we try again, just in case there is something going on that needs to be addressed? 

Thanks for that link, btw. I don't know much about miscarriages, and I'd like to know more.


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## Created2Write

john1068 said:


> I am so sorry for your loss. It's been a long time for my W and I since we experienced miscarriages. Yes, plural. Between 1995 and 2008 we had 5 miscarriages. Interspersed between those miscarriages, however, was THREE successful pregnancies.
> 
> They were SO painful. The fifth was no less painful than the first. But, as the OB/GYN explained to us, it's a natural selection process, the body's way of dealing with a improperly forming life. This helped me because I'm very analytical. My wife wore it on her sleeve a bit more than I did, and I think that this is a bit more natural...the baby was in her womb, her bonding was chemical, not just emotional like it was for me. But in the end, she knew that we could always try again, that all the cell-splitting would at some time come together properly and we'd have our little family.
> 
> It's all a distant memory now. And the pain of what never was to be is gone. Replaced with the joy of three healthy boys aged 16 to 5.
> 
> You and your DH take your time mourning, lean on each other. A lot of people are praying for you. You will have that family soon, just like we did. And it is all so worth it.


Oh good heavens, _five_? I can't even fathom a third! You and your wife are, clearly, strong people. I don't know what I would do. 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I know that having a family is worth the pain we're currently facing, and we will keep trying, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified about what will happen with the next pregnancy.


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## Created2Write

techmom said:


> I am so sorry for your loss C2W. Many blessings your way.
> 
> My hubby and I experienced a miscarriage, it was a stillbirth. We held a funeral for the baby. It was unbelievably painful. You may come across people in your immediate circle who want you to get over this asap, they may say things like "well you can always have another child". Each child is precious, and every miscarriage hurts, don't let anyone minimize your pain. This is YOUR grieving process, take time and go through each stage.
> 
> Stay strong with your hubby, he is grieving too.


I can't imagine the pain of going through a stillbirth. So far everyone I've talked to has been supportive...no attempts to minimize the pain. DH has even had people at his work encouraging him, and telling him to take as much as he needs to grieve, and not to let anyone tell him when enough time has gone by. And that has meant a lot as well.


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## john1068

Created2Write said:


> Oh good heavens, _five_? I can't even fathom a third! You and your wife are, clearly, strong people. I don't know what I would do.
> 
> Thank you so much for the encouragement. I know that having a family is worth the pain we're currently facing, and we will keep trying, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified about what will happen with the next pregnancy.


Strong? IDK. There were some pretty low times, moments where we just talked about not trying any longer. We just loved each other so much, and we wanted our family so much, these "failures" were managed by changing our mindset. 

What we did after the birth of our first son in 1997 is we stayed off of birth control. We never tried to get pregnant, nor did we ever attempt to prevent it. We removed all the stress of conceiving completely by just letting nature take its course. It really was out of our hands - it's up to God and biology. We decided that we wouldn't tell anybody about the pregnancy until the end of the first trimester. We'd not plan a nursery, etc, until the riskiest period ended. Right or wrong, it worked for us.

In 1999 we gave birth again to another son. 

Again, we followed out plan of no birth control. We wanted a third child, specifically a girl. Of course, wishing that was ridiculous. In 2008 our third SON was born, but by this time we were actually being careful...my W was in her late 30's and risks run much higher, even if there is no miscarriage. But healthy he was. 

What you can end up doing is stressing out about the things you MAY have done wrong, things you did that may have fostered the miscarriage, and you can obsess about these things. But it's NOT YOU. It's out of your hands. Maybe this quote may help you:


> "Miscarriage in early pregnancy is common. Studies show that about 10% to 20% of women who know they are pregnant have a miscarriage some time before 20 weeks of pregnancy; 80% of these occur in the first 12 weeks. *But the actual rate of miscarriage is even higher since many women have very early miscarriages without ever realizing that they are pregnant*. One study that followed women's hormone levels every day to detect very early pregnancy found a total miscarriage rate of 31%."


I hope for the best for you and you DH...It's all worth the wait.


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## Created2Write

AnnieAsh said:


> I'm really ashamed to admit that I did for the first little while. I didn't cry for days unless I was all alone. Then I'd cry until I felt like puking.


Wow, do I relate to this. 



> We called the baby Bean and I would just walk around thinking "my Bean is gone. It is my fault. I didn't want this baby enough and God is punishing me." Finally, I had an absolute breakdown. I freaked out on my bathroom floor with my husband and mother watching. Ugh I'm getting teared up thinking about it. I really thought I was being punished. My husband thought I was going to harm myself.
> 
> My dear friend who has lost 5 babies (1 was a set of twin boys in the second trimester) she told me that it hurts no matter what. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. She NEVER told me my pain should be less because I wasn't as far along. NO ONE should ever tell you that and NONE of us think that. Your baby was your baby. 4 weeks or 4 months.
> 
> Your husband is sad too AND is probably worried about you. Turn to him and let him know when you're feeling low or it is hitting you hard. Let it out and let him vent/cry too, ok?


Annie, you're making me cry. But thank you. I relate to so much of you've written here. DH was confused about my reaction to the pregnancy because I wasn't crying much. And then, about four days later, I brokedown because I wouldn't allow myself to feel the pain. Cried harder and hurt more than I ever have in my life. He cried just listening to me. 

DH actually thanked me yesterday for not asking him why he hasn't shown more of his grief; I know he's not an expressive person, but I told him that his grief isn't any less important than mine, and whenever he needs to talk or vent, I want him to come to me. He hasn't really yet, and likely won't. But I'm glad he knows it anyway.


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## Created2Write

larry.gray said:


> How does hubby feel? Often something women will deal with in the loss of a short pregnancy is that they will be far more devastated than their husband is. There isn't that "there is a life inside me" feeling, it does take a guy a bit longer. No, it is not weak. The moment you got those two lines, you knew there was your child alive, and then it's not.
> 
> I hope that he's at least willing to listen - let you cry, let you talk.


He was pretty broken about it when I started bleeding, and cried before I did, but has been very supportive throughout all of it. He's not expressed a lot of emotion except but two or three times. 



> Let it go, let it out, cry. It's not wallowing in pain, it is letting your grief flow. It feels bad at the time, but it will indeed make you feel better after you let it out.


Thank you for this. I sometimes feel like I'm wallowing, like I should suck it up and be stronger. And that just makes me feel worse. And you're right, it does feel better to let it out.


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## Created2Write

bbdad said:


> My wife and I had a daughter born with a very rare (<50 in recorded medical history) condition. She passed away just before being 5 months old. All I can say is to lean into each other and don't turn away from each other. Both of you will be suffering in your own way. But, don't let this harm your relationship. Keep praying for answers and reassure each other that your relationship is sound.


Oh bbad, I'm so sorry! 

One thing I'm thankful for, is that DH and I have only come closer through this, rather than get farther apart. I absolutely couldn't get through this without him by my side, holding my hand, and I can't imagine how magnified the pain and loneliness is without your partner there to help you, and you to help them.


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## Created2Write

john1068 said:


> Strong? IDK. There were some pretty low times, moments where we just talked about not trying any longer. We just loved each other so much, and we wanted our family so much, these "failures" were managed by changing our mindset.
> 
> What we did after the birth of our first son in 1997 is we stayed off of birth control. We never tried to get pregnant, nor did we ever attempt to prevent it. We removed all the stress of conceiving completely by just letting nature take its course. It really was out of our hands - it's up to God and biology. We decided that we wouldn't tell anybody about the pregnancy until the end of the first trimester. We'd not plan a nursery, etc, until the riskiest period ended. Right or wrong, it worked for us.
> 
> In 1999 we gave birth again to another son.
> 
> Again, we followed out plan of no birth control. We wanted a third child, specifically a girl. Of course, wishing that was ridiculous. In 2008 our third SON was born, but by this time we were actually being careful...my W was in her late 30's and risks run much higher, even if there is no miscarriage. But healthy he was.
> 
> What you can end up doing is stressing out about the things you MAY have done wrong, things you did that may have fostered the miscarriage, and you can obsess about these things. But it's NOT YOU. It's out of your hands. Maybe this quote may help you:
> 
> 
> I hope for the best for you and you DH...It's all worth the wait.


If I had waited any longer to take the pregnancy test, I would have thought that I had a light period. I miscarried less than a week after taking the positive test. And one thing I won't ever do again is take a form of birth control.


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## ladybird

Try babycenter.com there is a loss board. Here is the link Miscarriage Support - BabyCenter

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## larry.gray

Created2Write said:


> Oh bbad, I'm so sorry!
> 
> One thing I'm thankful for, is that DH and I have only come closer through this, rather than get farther apart. I absolutely couldn't get through this without him by my side, holding my hand, and I can't imagine how magnified the pain and loneliness is without your partner there to help you, and you to help them.


Things tend to go strongly one way or the other in these situations. I'm glad to hear your husband is being supportive rather than being distant.

When I went to a grief support group I was blown away by a couple of women who were there without their husbands. They said that their husbands just wanted to bury the feelings. I felt so bad for them going through it by themselves.


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## ET1SSJonota

john1068 said:


> ...We never tried to get pregnant, nor did we ever attempt to prevent it. We removed all the stress of conceiving completely by just letting nature take its course. It really was out of our hands - it's up to God and biology...
> 
> What you can end up doing is stressing out about the things you MAY have done wrong, things you did that may have fostered the miscarriage, and you can obsess about these things. But it's NOT YOU. It's out of your hands. Maybe this quote may help you:
> 
> I hope for the best for you and you DH...It's all worth the wait.


THIS.

I'm very sorry to hear this C2W. I know I'm not around much but have enjoyed much that you have written (even if I disagreed). I'll share a few things:

1.) Many years ago as a young military family, our new neighbors confided that they had been trying to have a baby for some time. They did all the "science", charting cycles, taking supplements to up fertility, etc etc. After a year, they were clearly distraught, it was seriously taking a toll on them visibly. We (the wife and I) told them to just take a break from it all, enjoy life for a little bit. It took them a few months to get out of their routine... and within 30 days they were pregnant (Have had 3 healthy boys now). I TRULY believe stress can play a HUGE factor in these things. That is NOT in any way to be construed as placing "fault" in you for any actions you have taken... simply trying to have your focus be on being as at peace as you can be.

2.) My wife and I have 3 wonderful boys (14, 13, and 8). Several years ago, my wife confided in me that she was having extremely strong baby urges. I was shocked, as she was adamant after our youngest that the baby making was over. Unfortunately, after our 3rd I had had a vasectomy. I did so with some regret, as I have always wanted a daughter. We waited 2 years to see if she changed her mind (she didn't), and then went in to have a reversal. She charted cycles, took the supplements, and on her VERY first cycle out of my reversal surgery, she showed 2 positive pregnancy tests!! We were so excited! Alas... her next cycle came as well. 

We initially thought it must have just been bad tests. After a few more months we had an analysis done, and it showed zero, none, nada. We went back to the reversal surgeon for a "redo", and it was discovered that my reversal site had scarred over, but I was normal/healthy production to the scar site. So for a brief while, I had been "functional". He was absolutely convinced that the positive tests were true. It has been tough for me since then, after our years of waiting, to think that we were that close, but still no baby. 

We are just now looking at being able to try again (just off my "waiting period" following re-reversal). Still plotting times, etc. And I've started to think maybe we need to not put so much focus on it. My wife has described to me feeling less enthusiastic about lovemaking when the babymaking is the focus... and that after my analysis it was much "better" for her not having that stress.

So what does all rambling mean? Maybe nothing. I have no idea what your religious leanings are, and I'm not one to push belief systems, but I think this is one situation where submission to the idea of a higher power can make it a little easier to cope with. It can also avoid the urge to try even _harder_the next time to "do it right", or "better", or place blame on oneself, or a situation. Just keep it positive, and loving: the environment you want to bring a baby into. Perhaps your situation is as planned... it just wasn't time for you, yet. That which is truly great is rarely easy. 

I wish you had never taken the pregnancy test, and perhaps had never known (to ease the pain, not negate the blessing that for a short time it was); much as I wish the same for our situation. I wish you the best in the future. I'll wish and pray that the next time, if you wish, it all works perfectly, and without stress.


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## Anonymous07

Created2Write said:


> If I had waited any longer to take the pregnancy test, I would have thought that I had a light period. I miscarried less than a week after taking the positive test. And one thing I won't ever do again is take a form of birth control.


There is nothing you did(birth control, eating certain things, etc.) to cause the miscarriage, so try not to over think everything that has gone on. Miscarriages occur because there is something that has gone wrong with the development of the baby. You did not cause it. 

I've had 2 early miscarriages myself, but I also now have a 7 month old. Someone else suggested the Babycenter support group for miscarriages, and I second that. It was a very helpful group of women there to get through the tough times.


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## Created2Write

ET1, Anonymous, thank you. I over-think _everything_. I analyze and analyze and analyze to try and find answers, reasons why the miscarriages have happened so I can fix a problem, if there is one. And it just wears me down. DH and I haven't been _trying_ to have a baby. Both pregnancies were unexpected, so I can't say there's been the stress of "Have to have a baby now!" Although we have talked, and we want to try again in a month or so. With this last pregnancy we realized how ready we are to be parents, and how much we want to have kids. It's just going to take time and patience.


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## 2galsmom

Created2write, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong. Not a single thing. There is so much that is out of your control in life, in the Universe and this was just one of the many.


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## over20

Created to Write...I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby.....

My heart bleeds for your struggle......Life is so unfair..

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your Dh.


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## Created2Write

Yesterday I broke down again. My nephews first birthday party was last night, and my husband's cousin had her three kids there too. One of my husband's relatives asked me if I would hold their 5 month old baby. I didn't want to say no...well, okay, I _did_ want to say no, but I didn't feel like I should. And I cried the whole way home.


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## 2galsmom

And that is okay. 

Get it out.

When you are ready, look up Annabel Karmel. I bought almost everyone of her books. Read her life story. Then write Created2Write and then write some more, and see how you will triumph.


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## Created2Write

2galsmom: <3 <3 <3 Thank you. I have been writing lately, and getting back into my interests and passions. It's cathartic.


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## Faithful Wife

Oh dear...that would be hard (to hold a baby)....hugs, honey.


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## jld

(((((Created2Write)))))


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## Created2Write

It was.


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## larry.gray

How are you doing? I was thinking about you and your hubby.

I sure hope you get through a pregnancy. I'm so grateful that we didn't go through this early on, and had kids with no troubles. To go home to an empty house would have been so much harder.



Faithful Wife said:


> Oh dear...that would be hard (to hold a baby)....hugs, honey.


Yeah, hasn't gotten better yet. The people who don't understand this are infuriating.


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## JCD

Created2Write said:


> A couple of weeks ago DH and I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't planned it, but we were thrilled at the news. Less than a week later I miscarried the baby.
> 
> Neither of us is doing well. Especially me. Just when I think the grieving is over, I completely break down. I have no idea how to process this or get through it. Today has been a particularly difficult day, and I came online to ask if anyone here has any tips or advice. I could really use them. If not, then all I ask is that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is the single hardest thing I've ever dealt with, including the miscarriage before this.
> 
> Thank you.


My wife and I suffered through that once as well. It was horrifying to me and worse for my wife. We already had 3 children at the time. I can't imagine how much harder it is for you. You have my prayers and deepest sympathies.

This is not the end of the world. It happens. Don't let you mind lead you to dark places. When you feel up to it, and not before, chat with a doctor again.

Maybe she can provide some context.


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## Deejo

This isn't intended to be a 'things could be worse' contrast. As Larry said, these are the kinds of circumstances that people seldom share. Everyone understandably, wants to focus on that joyous outcome.

I have two sets of very dear friends. In the case of my best friend, for the first six years of their marriage, his wife miscarried 4 times. Then she had a tubal pregnancy and they had to terminate.

20 years later, they have 3 teens.

Another friend lost her son less than a week before she was going to be induced. She had to go through the entire labor and delivery process, knowing full well she wasn't going to hear any crys when it was over. She was devastated.

She now has an 11 year old daughter.

Endure. Cry when you need to, go running, hit a punching bag, eat a sleeve of oreos, or have a whiskey ... just one.

You are a vibrant, young, beautiful and expressive woman; married to, from the images you paint, an upstanding and wonderful young man.

Life tests us. No doubt you will pass.

My best.


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## coupdegrace

My wife and I have been through two painful miscarriages. All I can say is it gets easier after time. For now, it's going to hurt, you're going to look at other irresponsible people that pop kids out like candy from a bubblegum machine and wonder why this is happening to you. Health issues aside, there is no answer. All you can do is be there for your s/o, cry when it hurts, punch something when you get angry and hope that time will heal the wound. Most importantly, have a valve for the stressful times and try to enjoy yourself to forget and begin the emotional healing process.


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## Cletus

Late to the game, Created, but let me just add that we went through two miscarriages before my son and daughter were born. Those days are completely lost to the fog of time. They have absolutely no sting left in them after raising a family, which is no doubt the future you have in store for you as well. 

Chin up, you'll feel better, and one day not too far from now, it will be a distant memory.


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## Browneyedgurl020610

I am so very sorry for your loss. That was always my fear while being pregnant. I'm just so sorry it happened to you. I'm glad you have a wonderful hubby to be there for you and comfort you.


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## Created2Write

Thanks everyone. This has been so difficult, I don't even know where to go from here. I'm bawling as I type. I thought I was healing, getting better, moving on...but now I feel like I've gone backwards. I've gotten more support on here, from strangers, than I have from my even my closest friends. I feel abandoned by almost everyone(except for DH, who has been there every step of the way without fail...if it weren't for him, I don't know where I'd be.) 

I'm questioning whether or not to get pregnant again. I have anxiety attacks everytime I even think about getting pregnant. As soon as DH and I start cuddling and I get aroused, immediately my thoughts go to the risk of pregnancy, and then the risk of another miscarriage. I have nightmares about it all the time, it's what I think about all day unless I'm constantly busy doing something.At first I thought I knew what I wanted, and now I'm not sure at all. I'm thinking about getting therapy, because I'm just...I'm not doing well. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I really don't know what to do or where to go. I'm angry, I'm incredibly sad/depressed, I hurt. And I feel very unwanted.


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## sandc

Unwanted how? I'm sure your husband wants you doesn't he?

Why not just... not try? Just love each other and let things happen. You're worth far more than you're giving yourself credit for. Don't let this event define you.


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## jld

C2W, I think therapy is a great idea. It is great for everyone to have someone to talk to.

Are you afraid you will not ever be able to have a child?

I had a miscarriage between kids 2 and 3. I still think about that one, wondering if it was a boy or girl. He/she was a little person, a member of our family. He/she was real.

Can you seek counsel/comfort from older women in your church who have gone through this? I have a friend who had at least 8 miscarriages before she had her only child, a son. You remind me of her, in your feelings about this, anyway.

If I can help, let me know, okay? Sending hugs . . .


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## golfergirl

I lost a baby at 28 weeks and had to deliver her. I don't even remember - it's like it happened to someone else and I watched it. I joined an on-line support group and immersed myself in others lives. We just let nature take it's course and have had 2 healthy babies since. Don't pregnancy test too soon. A lot of these early miscarriages can be thought of as a late period and it causes unnecessary knowledge and loss when it's nature's selection. I read that on a support board, that early testing in case of miscarriages causes unnecessary stress. How I got over it? Got pregnant again. But you never get over it truly. Sorry for your loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 41362

C2W-
My wife and I struggled through one miscarriage and a D&C... I can't say anything that will make it easier to handle, you just need time... not to "get over it," because you never really do, but to find enough acceptance to move on.

I will say that I firmly believe that God makes us fall so that we are forced to get back up. I say that because bookended on both of these horrible events are my two daughters... the second coming very soon after the D&C and a "surprise." 

I'll include you in my prayers


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## Anonymous07

Created2Write said:


> Thanks everyone. This has been so difficult, I don't even know where to go from here. I'm bawling as I type. I thought I was healing, getting better, moving on...but now I feel like I've gone backwards. I've gotten more support on here, from strangers, than I have from my even my closest friends. I feel abandoned by almost everyone(except for DH, who has been there every step of the way without fail...if it weren't for him, I don't know where I'd be.)
> 
> I'm questioning whether or not to get pregnant again. I have anxiety attacks everytime I even think about getting pregnant. As soon as DH and I start cuddling and I get aroused, immediately my thoughts go to the risk of pregnancy, and then the risk of another miscarriage. I have nightmares about it all the time, it's what I think about all day unless I'm constantly busy doing something.At first I thought I knew what I wanted, and now I'm not sure at all. I'm thinking about getting therapy, because I'm just...I'm not doing well. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I really don't know what to do or where to go. I'm angry, I'm incredibly sad/depressed, I hurt. And I feel very unwanted.


Did you join the support group online for those who have had miscarriages? I know there was a link to the one on baby center. 

As for those in real life who seem unsupportive, try not to take it too personally. Most people don't know what to say or how to react to difficult situations. It's easy to rejoice with people, but a lot more difficult to help someone grieve.

I've been through a lot myself, with going through more surgeries than I can count and having 2 miscarriages myself. My "friends" never knew what to say or how to react. I try not to fault them for it. Many people who have not been through tough times themselves have no idea how to talk to someone who has. Most feel uncomfortable and are unsure how to approach the topic. 

If you haven't done so already, join the online support group. Spend time with your husband and don't think about possibilities. Just love on him and let what ever happens, happen. 

Take care.


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## Faithful Wife

Created...PM if you want to talk. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I just don't know what to say on your thread in public though so PM is better...if you want to. 

Hugs...


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## larry.gray

Created2Write said:


> Thanks everyone. This has been so difficult, I don't even know where to go from here. I'm bawling as I type. I thought I was healing, getting better, moving on...but now I feel like I've gone backwards.


Just understand that there isn't a set timeline. Nor should you set unreasonable goals for yourself. If you expect to "get over it" you're only setting yourself up for failure. It is always going to hurt. What you want to get to is the acknowledgement that it's there but the pain isn't overwhelming. 



Created2Write said:


> I've gotten more support on here, from strangers, than I have from my even my closest friends. I feel abandoned by almost everyone


If they haven't been through it themselves, then they don't understand.. Have you shared much with people around you? What I've found is that there are so many folks who've gone through this, and just talking to those that understand helps.



Created2Write said:


> (except for DH, who has been there every step of the way without fail...if it weren't for him, I don't know where I'd be.)


Great! Many times men don't bond as well to early pregnancies. I've been appealed by men who have a "get over it" attitude about their wife's loss. 

Talk about a woman who could be plucked from under her husband's nose.....



Created2Write said:


> I'm questioning whether or not to get pregnant again. I have anxiety attacks everytime I even think about getting pregnant. As soon as DH and I start cuddling and I get aroused, immediately my thoughts go to the risk of pregnancy, and then the risk of another miscarriage. I have nightmares about it all the time, it's what I think about all day unless I'm constantly busy doing something.At first I thought I knew what I wanted, and now I'm not sure at all.


It saddens me to hear that. There are two healthy anti-depressants that are great to use: exercise and sex. You're hurting, and your husband is hurting. Intimacy helps you both. 

I hope you are talking to your husband about these fears. If you're afraid, then perhaps you should stop trying for a while.



Created2Write said:


> I'm thinking about getting therapy, because I'm just...I'm not doing well. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I really don't know what to do or where to go. I'm angry, I'm incredibly sad/depressed, I hurt. And I feel very unwanted.


I'll suggest a couple more options for you.

Hospice offers grief support groups. It is an eight week group class. As part of the group, they will talk about whether you need further counseling. The class is great, I took my whole family for one of the classes. Just google Hospice. I think you're here in the valley, if so Wilmette Valley Hospice is where to go. wvh.org

I would also suggest checking out Compassionate Friends. They are a support group for miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. You can find a chapter here: Chapter Locator â€“ The Compassionate Friends


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## larry.gray

Here is something I can suggest you share with friends:










So often people are afraid of making you cry. But sometimes you want to, and letting them know that it's actually OK is liberating.


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## Created2Write

larry.gray said:


> Just understand that there isn't a set timeline. Nor should you set unreasonable goals for yourself. If you expect to "get over it" you're only setting yourself up for failure. It is always going to hurt. What you want to get to is the acknowledgement that it's there but the pain isn't overwhelming.


I'm realizing this. There will never be a time when this doesn't hurt, just that it won't consume my whole life. I've also realized that this situation is kind of maximized because I didn't grieve with the first miscarriage. After a few weeks, friends were pretty much pulling me back into a normal routine, and I didn't know how to tell them that I wasn't ready to move on, so I thought I was being ridiculous, and just buried my feelings. So now it's like I'm grieving for two losses at once.



> If they haven't been through it themselves, then they don't understand.. Have you shared much with people around you? What I've found is that there are so many folks who've gone through this, and just talking to those that understand helps.


I've tried. I've written blog posts and shared them on FB, I've made statuses...I keep getting cliche responses that irritate me and make me feel worse. One thing is for sure, I'm NEVER using the "Everything happens for a reason" response again. Cause, while I'm sure they mean well when they say it, they don't think about how that sounds to me. Because, aside from complete and total suffering(as in the child would never be without intense physical pain, day or not) there isn't a single "reason" that I can think of that would make death better than knowing the love within me. 

As a Christian, a lot of my friends share my faith, and they use other cliche responses. Example, I was feeling incredibly lonely one day and said so on FB, and their response was "Run to God, let Him hold you. You're not really alone", but again, I don't think they realized what that implies....basically, I'm not alone because I have God, but not my friends. They're MIA, but that's okay because I have God, so it doesn't matter if they make time for me or not. 

I've never questioned my faith before in my life, but I have been lately. I've never known so many people who claim to be about love and support but, when it counts, go AWOL. I know they don't know what to say or do, but why not ask me "Is there anything I can do?" That way I can TELL them what I need. 



> Great! Many times men don't bond as well to early pregnancies. I've been appealed by men who have a "get over it" attitude about their wife's loss.
> 
> Talk about a woman who could be plucked from under her husband's nose.....


DH has been there for me 110%, and without complaint or ANY kind of a "get over it" attitude. I didn't think I could ever love him more than I do, but I've found a new level of love that I could never have anticipated. He's the single greatest person I have ever known. 



> It saddens me to hear that. There are two healthy anti-depressants that are great to use: exercise and sex. You're hurting, and your husband is hurting. Intimacy helps you both.
> 
> I hope you are talking to your husband about these fears. If you're afraid, then perhaps you should stop trying for a while.


He's the only one I've been able to talk to. And the intimacy between is starting to increase. I can feel aroused without having a breakdown, which is a relief because sex isn't something we've ever struggled with, and I was terrified that it would get worse and that I would lose him over it, but we're getting back on track. 

Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do. I'm not _as_ scared as before, but I know that the moment I get pregnant I will be terrified. I intend to go into the doctor and have some tests done to see if there's something causing the miscarriages. I had an IUD a few years ago, and had quite a few issues with it. Maybe it caused some damage. Maybe it didn't, but I need to no either way before trying to have a baby. 



> I'll suggest a couple more options for you.
> 
> Hospice offers grief support groups. It is an eight week group class. As part of the group, they will talk about whether you need further counseling. The class is great, I took my whole family for one of the classes. Just google Hospice. I think you're here in the valley, if so Wilmette Valley Hospice is where to go. wvh.org
> 
> I would also suggest checking out Compassionate Friends. They are a support group for miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. You can find a chapter here: Chapter Locator – The Compassionate Friends


Thanks. I'm so rarely online, but I appreciate being given groups to go to. 

I have been able to meet with a couple of my friends lately, which has been SO helpful. My closest friend here in my county is the primary one who just hasn't been there for me. She's been a flake since I've known her, and she wasn't there for me with the first miscarriage either. She sent me a text with a Bible verse that made me absolutely furious. Something about when we lose what we feel is most dear to us it's a blessing, because only then can we be held by the one who really is most dear to us. Again, not effing thinking about what's being said or how it will sound to me. I told her that losing my two babies isn't a blessing, and she tried to explain herself, as she always does. It's been so rough because I wanted her to be there for me, and she just hasn't been. And it's beyond not knowing what to say. The anger and pain from that makes healing from this so difficult.


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## Created2Write

I like that saying, larry. I think I'll use it.


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## Created2Write

On the bright side(which I think I should add since my last post was a bit...dark), I'm working again which feels AMAZING. I'm also considering new career paths...DH calls it "reinventing" myself, which I like. So life is starting to return to normal. I still cry on a whim, and I still have breakdowns, but I've grown SO MUCH. I appreciate things I didn't before, like the wonderful weather we've had yesterday and today. Beautiful blue skies, no clouds in sight, 64 degrees...wonderful. I lay outside and stare at nature and how beautiful it is. I love it.


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## over20

Created2Write said:


> I'm realizing this. There will never be a time when this doesn't hurt, just that it won't consume my whole life. I've also realized that this situation is kind of maximized because I didn't grieve with the first miscarriage. After a few weeks, friends were pretty much pulling me back into a normal routine, and I didn't know how to tell them that I wasn't ready to move on, so I thought I was being ridiculous, and just buried my feelings. So now it's like I'm grieving for two losses at once.
> 
> 
> 
> I've tried. I've written blog posts and shared them on FB, I've made statuses...I keep getting cliche responses that irritate me and make me feel worse. One thing is for sure, I'm NEVER using the "Everything happens for a reason" response again. Cause, while I'm sure they mean well when they say it, they don't think about how that sounds to me. Because, aside from complete and total suffering(as in the child would never be without intense physical pain, day or not) there isn't a single "reason" that I can think of that would make death better than knowing the love within me.
> 
> As a Christian, a lot of my friends share my faith, and they use other cliche responses. Example, I was feeling incredibly lonely one day and said so on FB, and their response was "Run to God, let Him hold you. You're not really alone", but again, I don't think they realized what that implies....basically, I'm not alone because I have God, but not my friends. They're MIA, but that's okay because I have God, so it doesn't matter if they make time for me or not.
> 
> I've never questioned my faith before in my life, but I have been lately. I've never known so many people who claim to be about love and support but, when it counts, go AWOL. I know they don't know what to say or do, but why not ask me "Is there anything I can do?" That way I can TELL them what I need.
> 
> 
> 
> DH has been there for me 110%, and without complaint or ANY kind of a "get over it" attitude. I didn't think I could ever love him more than I do, but I've found a new level of love that I could never have anticipated. He's the single greatest person I have ever known.
> 
> 
> 
> He's the only one I've been able to talk to. And the intimacy between is starting to increase. I can feel aroused without having a breakdown, which is a relief because sex isn't something we've ever struggled with, and I was terrified that it would get worse and that I would lose him over it, but we're getting back on track.
> 
> Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do. I'm not _as_ scared as before, but I know that the moment I get pregnant I will be terrified. I intend to go into the doctor and have some tests done to see if there's something causing the miscarriages. I had an IUD a few years ago, and had quite a few issues with it. Maybe it caused some damage. Maybe it didn't, but I need to no either way before trying to have a baby.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks. I'm so rarely online, but I appreciate being given groups to go to.
> 
> I have been able to meet with a couple of my friends lately, which has been SO helpful. My closest friend here in my county is the primary one who just hasn't been there for me. She's been a flake since I've known her, and she wasn't there for me with the first miscarriage either. She sent me a text with a Bible verse that made me absolutely furious. Something about when we lose what we feel is most dear to us it's a blessing, because only then can we be held by the one who really is most dear to us. Again, not effing thinking about what's being said or how it will sound to me. I told her that losing my two babies isn't a blessing, and she tried to explain herself, as she always does. It's been so rough because I wanted her to be there for me, and she just hasn't been. And it's beyond not knowing what to say. The anger and pain from that makes healing from this so difficult.


I am so sorry about that friend..I will pray God brings loving and compassionate women into your life.

Prayers for dear one


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## larry.gray

Heh, rereading my quoted text, that should be 

I've been appalled by men.....


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## larry.gray

Created2Write said:


> . One thing is for sure, I'm NEVER using the "Everything happens for a reason" response again. Cause, while I'm sure they mean well when they say it, they don't think about how that sounds to me. Because, aside from complete and total suffering(as in the child would never be without intense physical pain, day or not) there isn't a single "reason" that I can think of that would make death better than knowing the love within me.


The problem with any of those canned responses people say is that it is "supposed to make you feel better." What it really is doing is minimizing your pain. 

The sooner people learn to just dump them the better.



Created2Write said:


> As a Christian, a lot of my friends share my faith, and they use other cliche responses. Example, I was feeling incredibly lonely one day and said so on FB, and their response was "Run to God, let Him hold you. You're not really alone", but again, I don't think they realized what that implies....basically, I'm not alone because I have God, but not my friends. They're MIA, but that's okay because I have God, so it doesn't matter if they make time for me or not.
> 
> I've never questioned my faith before in my life, but I have been lately. I've never known so many people who claim to be about love and support but, when it counts, go AWOL. I know they don't know what to say or do, but why not ask me "Is there anything I can do?" That way I can TELL them what I need.


Infant loss does this big time. For someone who tries to find meaning in things, there is just no meaning in what happened.

I always did like the Depeche Mode's Blasphemous Rumors. 
[Rare] Depeche Mode - The Rumour (Blasphemous Rumours, 1984) - YouTube

Now it seems even more fitting. 



Created2Write said:


> DH has been there for me 110%, and without complaint or ANY kind of a "get over it" attitude. I didn't think I could ever love him more than I do, but I've found a new level of love that I could never have anticipated. He's the single greatest person I have ever known.


That makes me happy to hear.:smthumbup:


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## Openminded

C2W, I'm very sorry about your miscarriages. 

I miscarried in my first trimester when my son was two. I had a very easy pregnancy with him and it never occurred to me that I would have a problem with my second pregnancy. I got pregnant with an IUD in place and don't know if that contributed to my miscarriage or not. 

The doctor recommended that I wait six months after the miscarriage before deciding to get pregnant again in order for my emotions to sort of settle down. At the end of the six months I chose not to try again, and to stop with just one child, but I'm glad I had that time to consider what to do. 

Best wishes.


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## Created2Write

I have had a wonderful week for the most part. I had a wonderful tea with a friend of mine and we talked for hours. Friday I had another tea with a woman who could be my second mom and talked for hours. And yesterday DH and I went up to Mt. Hood and hiked four miles in the snow to see a lake. I was in a dress.  It was an adventure, and SO much fun, it just...was exactly what I needed. I hadn't been truly happy until we were on our way to the mountain and with each hour I just got happier. It was amazing. 

I'm feeling the love right now from so many people, except for a lady who has been really close to me until now. She seems to have just gone AWOL on me and seems to not really care about my situation. An uncomfortable talk is in my future with her and I'm not looking forward to it.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

Created2Write said:


> I have had a wonderful week for the most part. I had a wonderful tea with a friend of mine and we talked for hours. Friday I had another tea with a woman who could be my second mom and talked for hours. And yesterday DH and I went up to Mt. Hood and hiked four miles in the snow to see a lake. I was in a dress.  It was an adventure, and SO much fun, it just...was exactly what I needed. I hadn't been truly happy until we were on our way to the mountain and with each hour I just got happier. It was amazing.
> 
> I'm feeling the love right now from so many people, except for a lady who has been really close to me until now. She seems to have just gone AWOL on me and seems to not really care about my situation. An uncomfortable talk is in my future with her and I'm not looking forward to it.


I am so happy that you had a great week and had a chance to reconnect with your husband. 

You will find that some people stay away because they aren't sure what to say. It could also be that your friend is just selfish. I had a very one-sided friendship with someone for seven years. When she did not care about my liver surgery or the time I was hit by a car, I realized that I didn't need her in my life.

While I have never experienced a miscarriage, I am certainly no stranger to grief and loss. When my SIL had her third miscarriage within 1.5 years, my heart broke for her because I knew that she wanted a sibling for my niece. I wept because I was looking forward to another little niece or nephew and I hated to see my beloved SIL in such pain. When she needed to talk, I just listened. I sent encouraging cards and told my SIL how much I loved her; we live far apart. 

I am very sorry for your losses. May God bring you healing and solace. *hug*


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## mineforever

Created2Write ....first I am so sorry for your loss. I know first hand what your going through (still birth) and unfortunately people well meaning as they may be are sometimes thoughtless in the comments. I have no great words of wisdom except to say you have to let yourself go through the grieving process and there is no set timetable for how slow or fast you go through it.....you may even cycle through the phases multiple times. It has been 30 yrs ago for me...every December I remember her birthday and think one day I will get to meet my little girl in heaven. My prayers are with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write

Thanks you guys. I'm overwhelmed by the support here and really can't thank you all enough. 

As for this friend of mine, our friendship has been very one-sided for quite a long time. I didn't realize how one-sided until my first miscarriage, and now with the second it's pretty much confirmed. It kills me though because I love her like crazy and I want her and I to be good friends, but we don't always get what we want or need from people. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to be okay without closure from her. She may just never contact me again at this point, and I need to find a way to be okay with that. 

I have reached out to a grief counselor in my area. I have friends and family who've been supportive, but unless I'm talking to my husband or my blog, I can't seem to really show my feelings or even talk to people about the loss. I'm hoping the counselor will help me have an outlet to discuss my feelings. She uses writing, art and music to help her clients talk about their feelings, which is perfect for me. I set up an appointment with her today, but I'm nervous. I've never had counseling before.


----------



## sandc

Friends are where you find them.


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall

Created2Write said:


> Thanks you guys. I'm overwhelmed by the support here and really can't thank you all enough.
> 
> As for this friend of mine, our friendship has been very one-sided for quite a long time. I didn't realize how one-sided until my first miscarriage, and now with the second it's pretty much confirmed. It kills me though because I love her like crazy and I want her and I to be good friends, but we don't always get what we want or need from people. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to be okay without closure from her. She may just never contact me again at this point, and I need to find a way to be okay with that.
> 
> I have reached out to a grief counselor in my area. I have friends and family who've been supportive, but unless I'm talking to my husband or my blog, I can't seem to really show my feelings or even talk to people about the loss. I'm hoping the counselor will help me have an outlet to discuss my feelings. She uses writing, art and music to help her clients talk about their feelings, which is perfect for me. I set up an appointment with her today, but I'm nervous. I've never had counseling before.


Grief counseling is a great idea. I wish my BIL would go to grief counseling. Instead, he chooses to take out his anger on his wife and his mother. I feel sorry for him, however I do not wish to be around his tantrums. My BIL always cries and apologizes after his outbursts. My husband and I accept his apologies but we still protect ourselves from him. 

I completely understand how you feel about your friend. Some people are just selfish and it is terrible that you had to realize it during such a difficult time. I was there for my ex bestie through her miscarriages, pregnancy difficulties, break ups with the awful men she kept choosing etc. I even helped her financially because I did not want she and her children to starve. Eventually, I cut her off because I believe that friendship should never be one-sided. I also grew weary of watching her make poor choices. 

You are more than welcome to PM me if you need to talk. :smthumbup:


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## Created2Write

I set up an appointment with a counselor near me. She sounds very nice and caring. I just hope I can actually open up and really talk about my pain and grief and anxiety. I don't like looking weak or pathetic, so it takes a lot of trust for me to show my feelings to most people. No one but my husband knows I'm going to therapy. I'm kind of embarrassed to tell anyone else, tbh.


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## Thebes

Created2Write said:


> I set up an appointment with a counselor near me. She sounds very nice and caring. I just hope I can actually open up and really talk about my pain and grief and anxiety. I don't like looking weak or pathetic, so it takes a lot of trust for me to show my feelings to most people. No one but my husband knows I'm going to therapy. I'm kind of embarrassed to tell anyone else, tbh.


I can understand that because people can be so judgmental sometimes.


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## Created2Write

Most of the people I know are Christians, and unless you're going to marriage counseling, they tend to believe that individuals don't need therapy or counseling. Just read the Bible and pray, says no one who has actually had a loss ever. I've never been so cynical over my own religious beliefs before. I hate it. I hate all of this.

This has been a particularly horrible night.


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## Created2Write

It's been a pretty awful day. I finally heard from the friend who has been MIA, and she's not listening to what I'm saying. Since the miscarriage there's been almost thirty days that I never heard from her at all, and she's supposed to be one of my best friends. She said she was silent because she didn't know what to do or say, which I can understand. That's pretty much the default response I get from people, that they don't know what to say. But she's been a close friend for years...why couldn't she ASK me if there was anything she could do? ASK me if there was anything I needed? Then she wouldn't have had to fret and worry over what to do or say because I could have told her exactly what I needed. And, come to think of it, I DID tell her without her even asking me. 

Ugh, I want my counseling session to get here. I was nervous for it, wondering if I even needed it, and now it can't get here fast enough.


----------



## TiggyBlue

Created2Write said:


> Most of the people I know are Christians, and unless you're going to marriage counseling, they tend to believe that individuals don't need therapy or counseling. Just read the Bible and pray,* says no one who has actually had a loss ever.* I've never been so cynical over my own religious beliefs before. I hate it. I hate all of this.
> 
> This has been a particularly horrible night.


That's pretty much the response of most people who haven't been through a loss (not the Bible and prayer if not religious, but a lot of people can't comprehend what a toll it can take and how hard grief can be).

It seems such a trivial thing to say but I really am so sorry you and your husband are going through this.


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## sandc




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## DvlsAdvc8

Just now seeing this. Its heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.


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## Created2Write

Thanks Tiggy. 

And Sandc, I needed that this morning. 

Thanks Dvls. I really appreciate that. 

Well, there was some closure for me today. The friend I talked about before has decided that our friendship means nothing, and has chosen to give it up. Yet another loss to add to the list.


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## SimplyAmorous

Created2Write said:


> *Most of the people I know are Christians, and unless you're going to marriage counseling, they tend to believe that individuals don't need therapy or counseling. Just read the Bible and pray, says no one who has actually had a loss ever. I've never been so cynical over my own religious beliefs before. I hate it. I hate all of this.*





Created2Write said:


> *Well, there was some closure for me today. The friend I talked about before has decided that our friendship means nothing, and has chosen to give it up. Yet another loss to add to the list*.


I realize my experience back in the day was trivial as it was only secondary infertility but I was still a basket case at times...as the years dragged on...I was loosing hope... I hated being an only child and I didn't want our son to be an only child...

I remember being very irritated with the church.... they were really BIG on FAITH FAITH FAITH...and if you pray, you will receive...well that's nice & all but when nothing seems to be happening.. it's like a slap in the face...then because God can do no wrong, the excuses come to WHY we didn't get our answers... gets old after a while...you realize you have to take the bull by the horns and do all you can do -with what this world has to offer to go after your dreams... whether that is fertility testing.. or even looking into adoption.. (we did both)...

I wanted to knock someone's head off if they gave me some pat answer to my dilemma.. Really... the only people who "got me" were those who have "BEEN THERE"... have struggled with trying to conceive.... I met up with a lady, found her phone # on the wall in a supermarket walking out one day...she was wanting to gather a group for an "Infertility retreat" weekend... went to visit her, we became friends... she took me to a couple Resolve meetings.... RESOLVE : The National Infertility Association

She did set up that Weekend retreat..... Me & H were the only ones there who had a child.... I am sure some felt we had no business being there... & who could blame them!! We laid low.. in the background... The experience was an eye opener for me ... to sit amongst them pouring out their stories..the road traveled to conceiving a child...

I watched them plant a tree for the child they hoped to have one day.. you find a few friends like this, there will be a powerful bond there.. My friend ended up adopting a little girl from China..then lo & behold -and this is like 10 yrs later, she had her own daughter out of the blue... 

I have found fertility to be -one of those things that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.. 

I have another friend who has 3 healthy daughters....but she miscarried 3 too... I have an Aunt.. she never did conceive, with some testing way back when...I guess they learned her mucus was hostile to her H's sperm.. they adopted a son...the light of their lives...

Wherever this takes you.. may you be a better person for it.. I probably learned more about empathy for others dealing with infertility over anything I have ever walked through. IN this way it was good.. though I regret how it screwed up our sex life.. learn from me.. to not allow sperm to become the focus of pleasure.. I was terribly one tract minded.. and it took a hit on my husband. 

May you find Peace during this.. but try as you may... to hold on to HOPE...even when it seems faint.


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## Created2Write

Thank you SA. I can tell you've had some of the same confusion and doubts I've had. My counselor is a Christian(but not a Pastor...I made sure of that, as horrible as it might sound), so I'm hoping she can help me sort through all of this. Next Thursday seems like such a long ways away.


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## samyeagar

I have avoided this thread long enough. I have no sage advice, or words of wisdom because there simply isn't any. All I can offer is my sympathy and empathy as my ex-wife and I also lost a child.


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## Created2Write

Oh Sam, I'm so sorry to hear that. And you're right, there aren't words to say. Even DH doesn't know what to so or do, and yet he's been the most supportive of all. He lets me cry and grieve, and he holds me. He puts off his own plans to be there for me when I breakdown. He's even missed work for me a few times. I will love that man for ever. I don't think even death could hide it.


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## Created2Write

UGH. The selfishness of some people. Although I lost a friend yesterday, I felt motivated...like now my time wouldn't be wasted on someone so undeserving of my attention and friendship. But today, I'm entirely depressed. I feel horrible that I didn't matter enough for her to step up and fight for our friendship. She just tossed aside as if were easy, and meant nothing. 

It sucks.


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## DvlsAdvc8

'Amicu certus in re incerta cernitur'. ~Latin Proverb, meaning 'a sure friend is known when in difficulty'.

"Prove thy friend ere thou have need; but, in-deed
A friend is never known till a man have need.
Before I had need, my most present foes
Seemed my most friends; but thus the world goes"
~John Heywood's A Dialogue Conteynyng Prouerbes and Epigrammes

And eventually we get the modern short short version...

"A friend in need is a friend indeed."

You will know who your friends are by who is there when you need them.


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## ocotillo

I'm so sorry. This has to be beyond agonizing for both of you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Created2Write said:


> UGH. The selfishness of some people. Although I lost a friend yesterday, I felt motivated...like now my time wouldn't be wasted on someone so undeserving of my attention and friendship. But today, I'm entirely depressed. I feel horrible that I didn't matter enough for her to step up and fight for our friendship. She just tossed aside as if were easy, and meant nothing.
> 
> It sucks.


 What exactly happened...the words spoken between you ...how it "ended" ....if I may ask....I seen you said she was missing in Action, didn't know what to say... almost a month passed before you heard from her..

I seen some awful drama with my friends over the years... ..backbiting, jealousy, one gets mad, never wants to talk to the other because of something one said, did, didn't do.... sometimes I was in the middle of this.. I heard both sides to the story...I tried to bridge them.. .. it is always a matter of deep hurt...then both putting up a wall...or one but can't allow the other back in....eventually they sour too....and it's dead. 

One of my good friends was going to drop me like a hot potato over something I said..I know how she deals..seen it before with a variety of women in her life...she cuts them off... I wasn't gonna let her off the hook that darn easy.... I called her up & managed to get her to come over....

I took her for heart to heart walk in our woods that evening.....I think we learned more about each other that night than we did in the previous 10 yrs....vulnerability at it's finest there.... why I said what I said, it was uncalled for...hurtful ..Yes.... but she held out on me too - her behavior hurt me - which led to my stupidity in a moment....when I deeply apologized ...explained my mindset & sorry self....showing I FELT her side in this..and really what I WAS MISSING because she was embarrassed to tell me the whole sorted story...it was a grave misunderstanding on both sides... 

One thing was clear...we both wanted each other in our lives...

Women are just not very forthcoming many times.. this can be good AND BAD... we take things the wrong way, we build it up in our minds... (being emotional sucks!)....I am just betting your friend is feeling really guilty right now ..and immobilized...maybe she can't even explain it.. just giving her the benefit of the doubt possibly...... but Yeah..you needed more from her during this time.. is it unforgivable... Just saying...it is early.. she will probably come around...hopefully it won't be too late though... 

Your husband is your greatest solace ...we need our men.


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## Nsweet

Wow Created2Write, I am so sorry you had to go through this again.

At least you're young enough that you can take some time off for yourself and wait a few years to try again. You've got an awesome husband that will be there whenever you're ready to start a family.


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## Created2Write

SimplyAmorous said:


> What exactly happened...the words spoken between you ...how it "ended" ....if I may ask....I seen you said she was missing in Action, didn't know what to say... almost a month passed before you heard from her..


She stopped talking to me after sending me a horrible Bible verse when she realized that she's basically implied that my miscarriages were blessings. Ten days went by before I couldn't take the silence. I was anxious all of the time, my attacks were increasing in frequency and intensity, so I simply asked her why she was avoiding me, and if she still considered me a friend. She said she still considered me a friend, and wasn't avoiding me, but didn't know what to say. I asked why she didn't just ask me what I needed instead of slaving over what to say, and she didn't respond to that. 

I went on at that point and told her that, as one of my closest friends, I didn't think she'd been there for me like she should have been. She said she'd been busy with work and "school"(not a university or bible college or even community college, just classes through her church), and I said that I understood that; why not send me a card? A letter? An email? A message on FB? Why not give me a five minute phone call? Why go nearly thirty days without talking to me? She said that she didn't live her life for me, and that she wasn't going to prove her friendship, and that she couldn't be the friend I expected her to be, and that she didn't know where that left us. I responded by telling her that that, unfortunately, left us no longer friends. I didn't trust that she would be there for me in the future, and if I didn't matter enough for one damn phone call in two months, then we clearly were mismatched. I didn't, and still don't, think that those things are too much to ask for in someone who has listed me as a sister on FB. 

She hasn't responded since.



> I seen some awful drama with my friends over the years... ..backbiting, jealousy, one gets mad, never wants to talk to the other because of something one said, did, didn't do.... sometimes I was in the middle of this.. I heard both sides to the story...I tried to bridge them.. .. it is always a matter of deep hurt...then both putting up a wall...or one but can't allow the other back in....eventually they sour too....and it's dead.
> 
> One of my good friends was going to drop me like a hot potato over something I said..I know how she deals..seen it before with a variety of women in her life...she cuts them off... I wasn't gonna let her off the hook that darn easy.... I called her up & managed to get her to come over....
> 
> I took her for heart to heart walk in our woods that evening.....I think we learned more about each other that night than we did in the previous 10 yrs....vulnerability at it's finest there.... why I said what I said, it was uncalled for...hurtful ..Yes.... but she held out on me too - her behavior hurt me - which led to my stupidity in a moment....when I deeply apologized ...explained my mindset & sorry self....showing I FELT her side in this..and really what I WAS MISSING because she was embarrassed to tell me the whole sorted story...it was a grave misunderstanding on both sides...
> 
> One thing was clear...we both wanted each other in our lives...
> 
> Women are just not very forthcoming many times.. this can be good AND BAD... we take things the wrong way, we build it up in our minds... (being emotional sucks!)....I am just betting your friend is feeling really guilty right now ..and immobilized...maybe she can't even explain it.. just giving her the benefit of the doubt possibly...... but Yeah..you needed more from her during this time.. is it unforgivable... Just saying...it is early.. she will probably come around...hopefully it won't be too late though...
> 
> Your husband is your greatest solace ...we need our men.


No, it is too late at this point. She refused to see my side, made herself out to be a victim(as she always does) and basically wanted to be my friend without any responsibility to BE a friend. That is NOT how I do things. If I'm giving to the relationship, then the other should give too. She doesn't and, really, never has.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Created2Write said:


> *She stopped talking to me after sending me a horrible Bible verse when she realized that she's basically implied that my miscarriages were blessings*.


 Ok, she fumbled BADLY...you said* she realized*..then just let silence rule ...that's very hurtful on top of all you are going through..... Christians ought to be well versed in Humility...but we know this is not always the case....when they mess up, if she was in tune with "the spirit" so to speak.. she would have been driven to make it "right"/ come to you and apologize.... it would have ate at her knowing she hurt you like that in your time of grieving....surely she didn't rationalize this is a blessing! 



> Ten days went by before I couldn't take the silence. I was anxious all of the time, my attacks were increasing in frequency and intensity, *so I simply asked her why she was avoiding me, and if she still considered me a friend. She said she still considered me a friend, and wasn't avoiding me, but didn't know what to say. I asked why she didn't just ask me what I needed instead of slaving over what to say, and she didn't respond to that. *


 You tried Created2Write..you initiated " a talk" -sharing your feelings (similar to what I did)...a friend should do this... many even let this slide by....don't feel bad about this part.... you may feel rejected and very hurt.. but looking at this.. do you really want friends LIKE HER at the end of the day ?? from you ending words...sounds you were more of the* giver* all along.. maybe it just didn't matter for many years.. but this brought it all to a head.. and you seen her true colors... 



> I went on at that point and told her that, as one of my closest friends, I didn't think she'd been there for me like she should have been. She said she'd been busy with work and "school"(not a university or bible college or even community college, just classes through her church), and I said that I understood that; why not send me a card? A letter? An email? A message on FB? Why not give me a five minute phone call? Why go nearly thirty days without talking to me? *She said that she didn't live her life for me, and that she wasn't going to prove her friendship,* and that she couldn't be the friend I expected her to be, and that she didn't know where that left us. I responded by telling her that that, unfortunately, left us no longer friends.


 I gotta say... even if you came off a little angry with her (which I am sure you was at this point -speaking out of your hurt )...her responses to you was joltingly COLD and callous... 

Very hard to swallow...words like that..... at the very least she could say " I am so sorry, I've been busy but I should have taken the time"..something...some sign she messed up.. ya know..that you can work with..this attitude.. NO! ..there is nothing there to grab a hold of.



> I didn't trust that she would be there for me in the future, and if I didn't matter enough for one damn phone call in two months, then we clearly were mismatched. *I didn't, and still don't, think that those things are too much to ask for in someone who has listed me as a sister on FB. *
> 
> She hasn't responded since.


 No, it WASN'T too much to ask... it takes some give & take on both ends, feeling heard and understood.. the little things..they can mean so much...

Sorry Created2Write!


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## Created2Write

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok, she fumbled BADLY...you said* she realized*..then just let silence rule ...that's very hurtful on top of all you are going through..... Christians ought to be well versed in Humility...but we know this is not always the case....when they mess up, if she was in tune with "the spirit" so to speak.. she would have been driven to make it "right"/ come to you and apologize.... it would have ate at her knowing she hurt you like that in your time of grieving....surely she didn't rationalize this is a blessing!


She did apologize for that, but didn't say anything afterward for nearly ten days. And that was the third ten day period in which she didn't contact me at all. And she wouldn't apologize for anything else. I understood the lack of free time(although I've discovered since then that she had the free time because there are pictures of her with her other friends all over facebook, she just didn't want to give me any of that time), what I don't understand is how someone who was supposed to be one of my closest friends has no responsibility whatsoever to _act_ as one. 



> You tried Created2Write..you initiated " a talk" -sharing your feelings (similar to what I did)...a friend should do this... many even let this slide by....don't feel bad about this part.... you may feel rejected and very hurt.. but looking at this.. do you really want friends LIKE HER at the end of the day ?? from you ending words...sounds you were more of the* giver* all along.. maybe it just didn't matter for many years.. but this brought it all to a head.. and you seen her true colors...


This is exactly what's happened. Now, not only am I questioning the present and the future, I'm also questioning the past. I've tried so very hard to hold onto my faith, and right now I don't think it's working. How can I when people who are currently in Ministry training go expressly against the principles that their ministry is founded on? I don't want a friend like her; but I do want her to be the friend I thought she was. I still long to see her every single day, even though I know she wouldn't make the time for me. 



> I gotta say... even if you came off a little angry with her (which I am sure you was at this point -speaking out of your hurt )...her responses to you was joltingly COLD and callous...
> 
> Very hard to swallow...words like that..... at the very least she could say " I am so sorry, I've been busy but I should have taken the time"..something...some sign she messed up.. ya know..that you can work with..this attitude.. NO! ..there is nothing there to grab a hold of.


I hear her words every single day. "I don't live my life for you", as if that was even what I was asking for! To hear her say it, I was a slave driver or something, who only wanted to suck away all of her free time. I wanted to see her because I love her, and I thought it'd help me to see her face and hear her voice and be able to talk things out. I don't get her reaction at all. Yeah, I was mad. Of course. Anyone would have been. But a good person would have realized that I had a right to my feelings, and would have admitted to their own faults. Now it's hard to even see her as a good person at all. 



> No, it WASN'T too much to ask... it takes some give & take on both ends, feeling heard and understood.. the little things..they can mean so much...
> 
> Sorry Created2Write!


Thanks SA. I'm having a terrible time not contacting her.


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## Created2Write

It's been a horrible day.


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## Ikaika

Created2Write said:


> It's been a horrible day.



Sorry to hear. Malama pono


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## Nsweet

Created2Write, 

I haven't read everything so far, but it sounds to me like you're dealing with a fare-weather friend. She can hide behind her favorite bible passages and attempt to judge other, but the truth is she's just not a very good person. 

Not all Christians are good people, but a lot of them are very judgmental and get it in their heads that their church fosters an "Us vs. Them" ideology. So long as you believe as they do you're with them. Question anything about religion or God and you're the enemy. 

Those people that lose touch of the message Christianity was all about and Jesus used to reach people, they end up using bible verses to speak for God and completely missing the point behind the stories meant to teach good virtues. That message which was basically "don't a jerk" and "continue to help others while I'm gone". What's the point in taking Communion if you forget that?


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## Created2Write

Nsweet said:


> Created2Write,
> 
> I haven't read everything so far, but it sounds to me like you're dealing with a fare-weather friend. She can hide behind her favorite bible passages and attempt to judge other, but the truth is she's just not a very good person.
> 
> Not all Christians are good people, but a lot of them are very judgmental and get it in their heads that their church fosters an "Us vs. Them" ideology. So long as you believe as they do you're with them. Question anything about religion or God and you're the enemy.
> 
> Those people that lose touch of the message Christianity was all about and Jesus used to reach people, they end up using bible verses to speak for God and completely missing the point behind the stories meant to teach good virtues. That message which was basically "don't a jerk" and "continue to help others while I'm gone". What's the point in taking Communion if you forget that?


*Exactly.* 

I've had Christians who were awful to me throughout my life. No one is perfect, and I certainly don't expect them to be. So it's never bothered me like it does now. But nearly every person in my life who identifies as a Christian has utterly failed in being supportive and helpful. They hide behind their cliche sayings and verses, and pat themselves on the back for being encouraging, and then they disappear and I'm left feeling confused and hurt and angry. 

How could so many people be so damn useless? 

DH has been my rock, and he is the only one who hasn't failed in some way. Even my mom couldn't give me one day to myself without talking about my brother. She sounded more upset over his circumstances in the military(which happened years ago) than what I'm going through now.


----------



## Nsweet

Created2Write said:


> *Exactly.*
> 
> I've had Christians who were awful to me throughout my life. No one is perfect, and I certainly don't expect them to be. So it's never bothered me like it does now. But nearly every person in my life who identifies as a Christian has utterly failed in being supportive and helpful. They hide behind their cliche sayings and verses, and pat themselves on the back for being encouraging, and then they disappear and I'm left feeling confused and hurt and angry.
> 
> *How could so many people be so damn useless? *
> 
> DH has been my rock, and he is the only one who hasn't failed in some way. Even my mom couldn't give me one day to myself without talking about my brother. She sounded more upset over his circumstances in the military(which happened years ago) than what I'm going through now.


I blame poor leadership. 

All church teaches you to do is show up every Sunday, listen to a few lectures from the preacher, sing along, and hand out money. They don't exactly have you go out into the community and practice what you've been taught, they just trust that you'll show up again for another lecture and tiding. Even the bible reading are just class discussions with a mall group. And that's pretty much why you have these delusional Christians that break all the rules themselves and then go back to church thinking that somehow fixes their mistakes. 

Btw I'm not dumping on religion, just church and it's auditory visual only way of teaching.

I think you're finding out now for yourself is that many Christians speak a big game about helping others but only do so when it somehow benefits them or is easy. And you know you don't have to go to church with those people to be a good Christian. You don't even have to have a religion to be a good person, but it does help having a belief system to guide you.

And with your mother, that's an easy one to explain. Lots of betrayed spouses on TAM have had family members sorta turn on them. It's not that they're trying to be malicious, it's because they have a hard time relating to what you're going through. It's just easier to make you feel like crap for losing a child rather than comforting you, because comfort requires a certain level of sympathy and/or empathy.


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## sandc

Only a Christian with a very shallow understanding of his faith and of his God is going to give you trite Bible verses or hint that God is either blessing or cursing you with the miscarriage.

God keeps His own council so I won't pretend to try to guess why this has happened. Why does anyone catch a disease and die? Call it luck or call it Divine Will or whatever. Only God knows and it's pointless to try to guess.

What's important is how you react. Can the love within you overcome the guilt and pain and fear? Only you know. One blessing you do have is your H. Cling to each other.

Signed,
A Christian


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## Nsweet

Saw this. Thought it might cheer you up C2W.


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## Created2Write

Thanks everyone. My emotions have been going in circles the last few days. I'm angry, I'm depressed, I have anxiety...I feel like I'm dying from the inside out. 

My counseling session is tomorrow. I hope it goes well.


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## Created2Write

Today I'm having terrible anxiety...I'm not feeling very mentally stable. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Everything seems really grim and hopeless right now.


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## Ikaika

I don't know what to say, I think best in music. Send this song and hula to you:

George Kahumoku Jr & Wainani Kealoha - "Hi'ilawe" - hula & Slack Key Guitar - YouTube


----------



## COGypsy

What are you up to today? Any chance you can get outside for a run or something? (Assuming of course that the rain and snow we're supposed to get tomorrow isn't stopping off in your neighborhood first!)

I find that one of the best ways that I can make anxiety dissipate is to do something that makes me focus on something else. Focus on my breath in yoga. Focus on one foot in front of the other doing some stairs. Literally focus on those things, counting breath, counting steps, heel - toe - heel - toe. Make my brain get off the hamster wheel, you know? Vitamin D and endorphins never hurt either.

It's a terrible feeling when you feel anxious or depressed and aren't able to just "fix" it, I'm thinking good thoughts for you!


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## Created2Write

I would. It's hard to motivate myself when I'm feeling depressed, which is another thing my counselor says I'm struggling with right now. I intend to get into running/walking or something. I just have to find the energy.

Saw the counselor yesterday. I really like her, and we'll see where things go. I saw an improvement in my desire, and was able to be intimate with DH without extreme anxiety, which I haven't known for months. I'm feeling happy and content today. Plus, he had a performance review at work and he said it went extremely well. Others at the company are telling him he might run the business one day, so I am thrilled for him.


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## Created2Write

I'm glad I'm seeing the counselor again this week because I need to know how to cope with the triggers I see on what seems to be a daily(and even hourly) basis. Saturday I went to a memorial service for a lady who died from cancer and I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time, many of which now have babies, and one of whom is expecting. I also saw my former friend who acted extremely childish the entire time. We were in a church, and the message brought(while designed specifically for a memorial service,) stirred up pretty much every doubt and question I have. It was like each of my triggers were all put into one place. 

When I got home I had one of the worst breakdowns I've had in a long time. I'm so glad DH was there to hold me. Usually I'm alone when they happen. 

Today I go in to work. Hopefully it will be a good day.


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## Created2Write

So, I've been writing a lot lately to get myself through all of this. Here are a couple of the poems I've written:

*Empty*


I breathe in deeply.
The pressure-
I can hardly bear it. 
But then I hear you
and tears fill my eyes
as I sit up...

...but my arms are empty.

I see your face-
forest-green eyes,
nutmeg-brown hair;
you smile at me,
dimples creasing your cheeks,
and your laugh pierces the silence...

...but my arms are empty. 

I hold you to my breast,
giving life from my body
and love from my soul. 
I rock back and forth,
staving off your tears
as I sing...

...but my arms are empty. 

I hear you,
joyous,
calling to me.
You run
and I stretch out my aching arms,
but you fade..

...leaving my arms empty. 

I only see you in the dark,
Only hear you as I sleep,
and only hold you as I dream
but then I wake...

...and my arms are empty.


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## Created2Write

*Beauty After the Storm Part I*

The sky is filled with dark clouds
hovering over green hills sprinkled with snow.
Droplets of rain fall.
The beauty before the storm stoops over me,
but I know the calm is deceptive
for I have traveled this road.
The rain will pound, the wind will howl,
and sunshine will be stolen from the sky.

The storm begins.

Tears glide down my reddened cheeks.
Sobs erupt from my bleeding lips.
My body trembles with pain.
It's fire and ice at once:
my chest burns with each beat of my heart,
pulsing torture through my veins,
and yet my heart is ice-cold, empty,
twice robbed of the warmth of love.

Shadows dance around me
with golden eyes and laughter.
They touch, poke, tug, and giggle,
eluding me.
I know their voices - they're in my dreams,
and though I try to wrap them in my embrace,
they vaporize and reappear behind me,
giggling.

If they see my tears, they care not.
If they feel my pain, they tease.
If they hear my screams, they only laugh.
If they taste my anger, they eat of it.
If they smell my fear, they move in closer.
I am their puppet
trapped in the strings that bind me
and give them strength.

I lift my eyes;
the green hills with snow surround me.
They grey clouds are above.
The rain pours.
The wind slaps.
The ground beneath my feet is black and thick,
with each step my feet sink.
I'm in the Valley of Death where Shadows dance.

Where is the beauty that once embraced me?
The rays of light that often
broke through the clouds to remind me that
the sun persevered?
The gentle breeze that caressed my cheek,
as if to say "I'm here?"
The droplets of rain that soaked me,
as if washing away my cares?

The storm has killed them.
And I have been forsaken.

©2014 Janel. All rights reserved.


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## Created2Write

On a slightly more optimistic note, last night DH and I watched Star Wars Episode IV and half of Episode V, and not only am I now totally re-engulfed in the SW saga(hello again age sixteen! It's been...well, almost ten years!), I'm also now re-engulfed in an old sci-fi novel idea I had a long time back. It feels amazing to have ideas swimming around in my imagination, distracting me from my work. So today I'm feeling rather positive.


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## Created2Write

I'm in the process of completely redesigning my blog/website. Once it's done, I'll show it to everyone. I'm super happy because I've done all of the designs myself *almost* entirely on my own. I feel very accomplished.


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## Created2Write

http://www.empiresites.us/jdb2/

There is my new blog. There's a lot of categories of posts, and stuff that goes back like...four years. lol. But it is newly designed, I did most of it myself, and I love it. 

Had my second session with my counselor yesterday. I am so very, very glad I decided to get counseling. Thank you FW for encouraging me to do so. I've already seen massive increases in my happiness and sexual desire, and even with the loss of the friend, I'm realizing that I deserve better than she was ever willing to give me. DH said he's glad to see I'm not allowing myself to be a doormat anymore, and I didn't realize until then that I had even been one. 

Today: gonna do some writing with my sci-fi story(which I'm thrilled to be focused on again!!) until my boss gets to work and gives me something to do, then I'm gonna work. 
Tonight: making dinner at home, buying some wine and beer, gonna play COD with DH(until I get tired of dying every few seconds, that is), then I'll read more of Northanger Abbey to him, and then we're going to have lots of fun. I'm in need of a fun and laughter-filled night in. Can't wait.


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## Faithful Wife

oooh...it looks amazing! reading now...


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## Created2Write

Thanks!  I was hoping it would have a kind of vintage feel to it, and it took me days to figure out the appropriate color scheme. I'm glad you like it!


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## ocotillo

Created2Write said:


> Janel | My Literary Works
> 
> There is my new blog. There's a lot of categories of posts, and stuff that goes back like...four years. lol. But it is newly designed, I did most of it myself, and I love it.
> 
> Had my second session with my counselor yesterday. I am so very, very glad I decided to get counseling. Thank you FW for encouraging me to do so. I've already seen massive increases in my happiness and sexual desire, and even with the loss of the friend, I'm realizing that I deserve better than she was ever willing to give me. DH said he's glad to see I'm not allowing myself to be a doormat anymore, and I didn't realize until then that I had even been one.
> 
> Today: gonna do some writing with my sci-fi story(which I'm thrilled to be focused on again!!) until my boss gets to work and gives me something to do, then I'm gonna work.
> Tonight: making dinner at home, buying some wine and beer, gonna play COD with DH(until I get tired of dying every few seconds, that is), then I'll read more of Northanger Abbey to him, and then we're going to have lots of fun. I'm in need of a fun and laughter-filled night in. Can't wait.



Wow! You've read The Screwtape Letters. I'm impressed!


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## Created2Write

Yup. Three times. I absolutely love it. I can't believe I hadn't read it sooner, it's seriously awesome writing.


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## Created2Write

Today was the second day of getting back to the gym. I jogged 1.5 miles and did 1.75 miles of sprint intervals. Feels amazing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write

Ugh. Been a busy day. I was feeling okay, and now I'm feeling depressed. But, I am planning to do to the gym for, at least, a little bit. Hopefully my legs don't fall enough tonight; I'm really sore. But if feels amazing to be back in the running zone.


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## Created2Write

UUUGGGHHH. Damn triggers! I start to feel better, and then one thing initiates a downward spiral.


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## Created2Write

Here's an update: I've been doing okay. Going to the gym fairly consistently, productive at work, feeling positive more than I feel depressed. I can see a silver lining to the uncertain future. I'm planning to surprise my best friend next month when she graduates from seminary with her Masters. I'm going to show up without telling her.  Makes me excited. I miss her like crazy. 

Also saving to go to Britain for my friends wedding. She asked me to be a bride's maid, and I intend to go. So, that's exciting.


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## Created2Write

Getting back into normal life. My anxiety attacks are much less severe, my depression is less severe, my breakdowns are less frequent and less severe. I'm feeling more confident, my sexual drive is coming back really strongly, my faith is returning...all in all, feeling better.


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