# How do you sever the heart



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

How do you sever the heart from your stbxw? How do you make the heart understand what the head already does?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Focus on grieving the loss of the relationship, rather than the absence of a specific person. Relationship grief is wayyyyyy different than ending a bad relationship with a specific person. Grief the relationship that wasn't possible, and what it could have been, had the other person been capable. But don't mourn the loss of the individual. 

Google "relationship grief", readings should help immensely.

Also, for physical relief you need to find a way to use your body to experience joy...dancing is something I really enjoy.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah the stbxw gave me the whole I love you but not in love with you speech, I never fell out of love with her, never stopped giving up on her. I mourn the relationship, I mourn the time I don't get to spend with my children now, I mourn the fact that our shared dreams our gone. The woman that was with me for 11 years, my best friend. I mourn her because of the wife she was about three months ago, not the person she is now. It's all so tough, because she seems so happy in her current situation. She is already talking with a "just friend" and we are not even close to being divorced. The paperwork was just filed last week. It just seems so cruel.


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## Tonic (Jan 11, 2012)

by the way, what does stbxw mean?

i agree with homemaker numero uno.

also, what she does with this 'just friend', is absolutely and completely her choice, as hard as it is. and, perhaps it is just a rebound thing to make her feel good for a little bit? perhaps it is not. either way, you must focus purely on yourself (and your children) for the moment. you must forget about her for a bit (hard i know).
and do things that make you feel good, both emotionally and physically.

good luck


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Sorry you're going through all of this... a lot of us are.

Just a Tip: If you stick to one thread people will be able to follow your story and answer all the questions you have.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

stbxw-soon to be ex wife


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sometimes it helps me to get angry. Think about how selfish they've been.

Just don't let it eat you up.

Forgive (ultimately), but don't forget...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Two days ago I told the stbxw that it was too tough to talk to her as a friend, she choose for me to leave her life, so I can't talk to her like that. I've not talked to her last night or tonight, just to the kids. I'm implementing the 180 plan for me, but it is so tough because I miss talking to her. I need the strength to be strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Don't call her, don't have any contact with other than when you meet to get the kids. even then keep the conversation to a minimum. She is exulting in your pain! She cares nothing about you. Do not let her see you cry. If you have to, take a couple weeks off (if your work allows) go somewhere and just be by yourself. You are too damn close to all this. Work the 180, get the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, read it, practice it and work on yourself.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

How do you stop successfully wondering what the other person is with, wondering what they are doing, thinking about the ex eventually having sex with another guy down the line. That is what I'm facing now. We filed the divorce paperwork last week, I don't want this. In her mind and her heart she has already told me she considers herself single. I'm taking the kids this weekend to my parents house, and I'm wondering if the guy she has been talking to the past month, if she is going to have him over and do things. I tell myself I can't think like that, but it's hard not too. I have to look at her as some other person on the street that I can't be with (even though just over a month ago we were able to be with each other). A friend of mine told me to think of it as not what I'm not getting anymore (her kisses, etc) but that she doesn't get that from me anymore. Help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> How do you sever the heart from your stbxw? How do you make the heart understand what the head already does?


There is no cure for heartbreak.

Two things do help though: Time and no contact.

Acceptance is also a good thing too.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Proud - I asked pretty much the same question about all the wondering in my head! It hurts to think that my stbxh would one day be with other women. And I'm the one that initiated the D!! I'm the one that was not happy. I had an EA. I shouldn't have a prob w/ my H doing his own thing. He always did his own things before - it's what got my feelings to this point.


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## unsureoffuture (Jan 1, 2012)

My wife of 29 yrs. wanted a separation so she could "date" other men. The best advice I was given was to "let her go".
I have, directed all my attention to myself, mentally & physically. Join the gym, take walks outdoors, read self-help books and mainly write a daily journal. Put all your anger and thoughts on paper, get it out of your head. Focus on YOURSELF!!
You are worth it, do not give her to satisfaction of you begging.
You are building up her ego and putting yourself down. STOP IT RIGHT NOW! No more self pity, pick yourself up and enjoy YOUR life not hers.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Unsure - how did you finally get your heart on board with your mind to let her go?


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## unsureoffuture (Jan 1, 2012)

proudwidaddy,
It was 2 books for me. "The Ultimate secrets of total Self-Confidence" by Dr. Robert Anthony and "Become a Better You" by Joel Osteen. Those 2 books plus writing a daily journal have had a great impact on my life. In your journal write down ALL of your anger, resentment, fears, dreams everything you need to get it out of your head. There are I'm sure other books that will help you thru this dificult time, but mainly you have to put yourself FIRST.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You absolutely need to start doing things that get your attention because they are fun, or require total immersion. Wednesday I spent two hours helping my volunteer boss do some statistics. LOL.

Honestly, until you mentioned it, I hadn't really though of stbxh having sex with anyone else. I mean, before I suggested he leave when he suggested divorce and all that, he did have scratch marks on his back he couldn't explain, and he'd gone to some woman's house with a bottle of wine in August to get it on, and another woman's house to go to a party held for him...but if someone wants to have sex with him, it's just sex. I don't have any desire to have sex with someone who is not into me to the degree that he can be faithful. I think you have to develop that attitude of wanting to do things that are healthy for you and to avoid things you know are UNHEALTHY for you. Sex with ex would be one of those. If you lose the desire, as you should if you frame it that way, then you will not want to obsess over it, because it's not something that you'd value any more.  I hope you get there.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

My STBXH used a machete cleverly disguised as a phone call to sever mine!

(Couldn't stifle the sarcasm any longer, sorry.)


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