# Husband just friends,or having a emotional affair! I need advice.



## alone/7 (Feb 11, 2012)

I posted awhile back ago,about finding out secertly, that my husband as been trying to get in touch with his high school sweetheart/ x-Fiance through Classmates .com since 2006. She finally responded back, around in Oct.of 2011.on that site. It hurted me inside an I was curious why he wanted to look her up after 26 yrs. of our marriage, now going on 30yrs. I stuck with it ,secertly ,and tryed to find and read e-mails before he deleted them ,I only found some, then one day, I found a hand-written letter in mail box, he usaully checks it when he comes home, but for some reason, I checked it that day and low and behold, there was a letter from her. I was mad and crying at the same time. I took it, unsealed it carefully, sealed it back and put it in the mailbox and he never knew. They were trying to catch-up on all of what has been happening in there lives, love, marriage, losses and children, but she sounded like a young school girl , so giddy and excited to hear from him again, even tho she was married to her second husband, who just happened to pass away last June,another possible porblem. I just felt so hurt and when I bring up the past he gets mad at me, so I posted on here for some advice on what I should do. Since then, I have confronted him about it and knew they were writting letters to one another. They have converted to e-mails now since Dec.2011 every so often. He claims they are just friends and are just catching up, but wanted to ask her for forgivness for breaking off the engagement some 36 yrs. ago I know she told him back then shortly before she married her first husband that she forgave him for everything and that it is all water under the bridge and that he should forget about it , but I have a feeling it goes farther then that and that he has never gotten over her, even tho he tells me he trully loves me and has given me everything I could ever want ( material wise), I love him and don't want to loose him, but I feel this goes deeper then what he will let out. Our Marriage holds no true conversation and I tell him I want him to talk to me , but he dosen't. All he wants it seems is sex and to just joke around with me otherthen that, he stays queit. We lost one of our twin boys 19 yrs. ago and I know to this day it still hurts him much, but I also feel losing his x-fiance some 36 yrs ago still affects him , even tho he found another speacial true love again when he found me, fell in love, got marreid to me and went on with life.It's been a good 30 yrs. with three children two others are decesed,( our twin boy and a short term misscarriage I had that he dose'nt try to reconize )and we have one beautiful grandaughter he posted on his profile story on classmates that his twin son and high school sweetheart/ x-fiance was his two greatest losses in his life and if he could of fortold the future he would of done things differently. This really hurts me now for what he all told me in his letters when we used to write (Pen-Pals) before we got married. that it was like she never exisisted and that I was his eveything now and that he wanted to share his life with me. How could it have come down to now, to going back and getting in touch with her and talking with her through e_mails. I don't get to read them all , before he deleats them, but I;m trying to put 2-n-2 together, before I confront again, only for him to get mad. I have wrote her a couple of e-mails as friends, told her how much I love my husband and sent her my condulences on her loosing her second husband.. I know he has been sick for awhile, but I told my husband that she is going to be leaning on him more now, because of that. He got kinda mad at me amd said he is helping her out and giving her hope, even sent her a peom of hope when he hardly talks to me. I lost our son too, but I would;nt go back to a lost love like he has. He dosnt realize how much this could hurt our marriage, or maybe he does'nt care to realilize it, even tho he keeps saying he loves me. Is he lying, when I read things like, I never forgot about you, I sat and wonderd about how any kids we would of had, I thikk about you often with twinges of regrets, but that they must go on with their other lives. this is waht I'm finding now and crying through it all. He tells me that he is a death do us part and through good and bad kind of guy, so why then is he telling her this stuff and her the same!. One of his eariest letters said he would like to meet up with her some day to cacth -up, but she is telling him different then what she tells. She said she would pray for me and my husbands relationship and knows he loves me and would never make any plans to meet him or talk to him on the phone Well, the last two e-mail to him from her makes me think differently. Her husband just died in june 2012, going on and on to me how much he ment to her and how much she thinks she could not love anyone more then him, etc., but then I find she posted a personal add on craigslist looking for a long _term relationship and the kind of man she is looking for, sounds like she is describing a man like my husband is. A sexy, 5-10", around 50's loves animals and walks on beach (they used to do back then ), someone to have fun with and cook for. She told mhusband she was going to get after her kids for posting that on cragslist, but I think she had something to to with it.She lives in Houston, TX. right now tring to sell her home, since her husnad died, but told my husband she was thinking about moving to Brenham, tx, ( a place her and him used to stay when they were dating, huh?) and alot closer to us. She told him she was hesitate in meeting him, because he is married and took a vow and dos;nt want to hurt his wife, kids, or the life he maid, but that she may feel diferently two months from now. What dose thast mean, lady!?. I think the only reason she is being friends with me is just to find out info, I hope to God I;m wrong and she is sincere, but I'm starting to wonder, espaeially when she is statring to end her e-mails wtih, Love,Gale. I feel they maybe having a emotional affair and my husband is hiding it from me and his true feeligs, by telling he loves me and all that things he dose for me. I don;t take them for granted and O do love him, so what dose he want from me?. He wo'nt talk and conoling is out of the question for him,at least. I do love him and would'nt want to loose ,but if I tell him to stop corrensponding with her , he'll just get mad. You'd think if he loves me that much, he would respect my wishes and stop. He thinks I'm suppose shove this under the rug and should'nt be affected by it and that it is okay for him to do it. I find myself crying over this at times, but he won't let me say nothing about it. Lost and lonely, got any anwers , or good advice?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Holy cr*p! The key on the right that says "enter"...us it!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So do you want 3 people in your marriage or do you not want him mad at you? Which is more important?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

alone/7 said:


> I posted awhile back ago,about finding out secertly, that my husband as been trying to get in touch with his high school sweetheart/ x-Fiance through Classmates .com since 2006. She finally responded back, around in Oct.of 2011.on that site. It hurted me inside an I was curious why he wanted to look her up after 26 yrs. of our marriage, now going on 30yrs. I stuck with it ,secertly ,and tryed to find and read e-mails before he deleted them ,I only found some, then one day, I found a hand-written letter in mail box, he usaully checks it when he comes home, but for some reason, I checked it that day and low and behold, there was a letter from her. I was mad and crying at the same time. I took it, unsealed it carefully, sealed it back and put it in the mailbox and he never knew. They were trying to catch-up on all of what has been happening in there lives, love, marriage, losses and children, but she sounded like a young school girl , so giddy and excited to hear from him again, even tho she was married to her second husband, who just happened to pass away last June,another possible porblem.
> 
> I just felt so hurt and when I bring up the past he gets mad at me, so I posted on here for some advice on what I should do.
> 
> ...


First, I had to break this up into paragraphs to make it easier for everyone to read. I'm sure you have seen others post before that "walls of text" are very hard to read.

Second, I think, at the very least, it is inappropriate that they are so close. I get catching up, but they should have parted ways, regardless. My personal opinion? Emotional affair. And you are well within your rights to request that this contact cease with his ex-fiancee. If he doesn't like it, tough! You are his wife, not her. I have had contact with three ex-boyfriends since getting married. One is married to my cousin, so it's kind of expected we will speak at some time or another. The other two, it was to catch up, and we left it at that. No constant emails, no letter writing, nothing. Your husband is way off-base here. And he needs to decide whether he wants to risk throwing away 26 years on "what might have been". 

But, IMO, yes, he is emotionally cheating with this woman.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Drover said:


> Holy cr*p! The key on the right that says "enter"...us it!


It's ok, Drover... I got it for ya.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

ultimatum time.....he needs to leave her in the past and get on with his life and future with you..or leave.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Yes, it is inappropriate. An awful long time to be carrying a torch...


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## alone/7 (Feb 11, 2012)

Thanks to you all for the advice, but when I do bring stuff up, he say"s I'm paraniod and driving me nuts!
Another good one he uses to aviod talking is,I don't want to agrue, or, arent I here? and aren't you the one I married?.. He is a Christain man and can care for others and when I confronted him the first time about wriiting her, he said he just wanted to catch up and ask her for forgiveness, because he said he is not that kind of person to just leave things up in the air, or it's just not in him to do something like that.
Well, as I think about it, that should of been allready resolved and put to rest, when she told him she forgave him for everything and to forget it some 36 yrs. ago whenshe got married to her first husband, when he asked her for it the first time.
So, I quess he still holds a torch for her after so long and is just going through the motions with me and it seems like he is the kind of person that rather run away from problems, rather then to solve them.
One day from now, I will try to get up enough nerve to confront him again and leaving would be my last resort. I'm waitning to see want he is going to tell her next, if he don't delete it first, so I can plan out my move.
She once told me in a e-mail that I should write my husband a Heart-to-Heart letter and maybe the flood gates would open to get him to talk about his true feelings, but that he always kept a close watch on his feelings . with her in the past.
It is so hard to get something out of a person that is hurting. I try, but he won't give me a chance that much .You have to want to get help, in order to get help.
He say's sometimes it is better to talk with a thired party over problems. But come on!, choosing your x-fiacee?, really now!
I will close. and thanks everyone!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

You keep talking and talking to avoid addressing the problem, have one of your threads transferred to the coping with infidelity forum.

Then act as you will get advised to do!


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I wouldn't say you're paranoid. Usually your gut feeling is the best way to decide. Christians can cheat too.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

So his ex is giving you marital advice now? How very lovely of her.

Your husband is clueless about EA's.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

alone/7 said:


> He say's sometimes it is better to talk with a thired party over problems. But come on!, choosing your x-fiacee?, really now!
> I will close. and thanks everyone!


I agree! Sometimes, it IS better to talk to a third party about problems.... That's what an IC and a MC is for! Talking to an EX-FIANCEE about marital troubles is NOT ok. Not by a long shot. If your marriage has a prayer of surviving, the ex has to go. He can't be keeping his options open.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kipani said:


> I wouldn't say you're paranoid. Usually your gut feeling is the best way to decide. *Christians can cheat too.*


Agreed. I did. EAs. My husband did. EA as well.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Soo I just found out its actually quite impossible for a man and woman to just be friends. Your husband is up to something. He's being dishonest with you. Do what you have to do.


Men's friendships with women 'driven by sexual attraction' - Telegraph


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Give him an ultimatum -- his high school sweetheart or his wife, one of the two will be cut out of his life. He sounds like he's and having some kind of MLC. Is he depressed? Are you guys stuck in a rut? Have you tried counseling? He could be falling into an EA and you have to take a hard-line on that or he will take it as permission to continue. You're worth more than being his safety net, so make him own up to the fact that this is real life and there are real consequences for stupidity of choice.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't let him get away with the "you're paranoid" crap.
He is sharing his emotins with another woman, making three in your marriage.
In the CWI threads, you can find lots of advice about how to go about finding out the truth. Put a keylogger on the computer, what kind of phone does he have? Get your proof. Then you will know how far its gone. Transfering emotions to a third-party is infidelity. It hurts. Its wrong.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Alone7

Your husband is a man in his 50s acting like a teenager. He needs to grow up and face reality. Just because his life may not be exciting or he has his own personal issues, he need not try to live in a fantasy world.

Sure it is always tempting to think that you can relive those very young years when the emotions were so high. Those young years also were a time when you did not have children, bills to pay, age problems to deal with, and the reality that you learn by being in your 50s. real life does not stay in the teenage world.

Your husband would rather fool himself than live in the real world. Tell him I do not buy his forgiveness story; that has already been done a long time ago. If he is going to claim Christianity then he needs to get a grip on what Christianity says about love. He knows that he is hurting you with his trying to live in the past with his ex-girlfriend.
Tell him to read his Christian Bible again. Start with the scripture below

Ephesians 5:25
*Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it*;

Your husband knows that he is hurting you and that is nothing like his Christian bible says to do.

If he is going to use the excuse that he wants to forgive this woman; well it is easy to see that he is trying to use Christianity for his own lack of following his own bible. your husband eeds to know that real Christianity leads you to do the tough things in life and it is time for him to GROW UP and treat his wife with Love like 1st Corinthians 13 and to have the attitude that Ephesians 5 makes very clear. Your husband is doing neither one. 

This is directed to your husband. 
Don’t think that you can try and use Christianity for your improper desires and not be called on it. Either grow up and be a real Christian man or quit trying to use Christianity to make your cop-out with this other woman look like you are a pious forgiver.

If he does not like his own Christian truths then how about this Mr want-to- be-a- teenager:


That other woman that you are trying to live in a fantasy world with will never do this:

*She will never be the one that stuck with you through the tough times of your 20s, 30s 40s and 50s.

She will always have her other husbands in her memory, soul, heart, you are not the only one.

She will never bear your children and then suffer with you through such agony as losing a child

If you are foolish enough to carry this fantasy further this woman or you will find out that your ideas about being a teenager again will blow up in your face when you have to face reality with her.*

GROW UP and stop your attempts to try and fool your wife about how noble you are by trying to help this other woman. Your 100% responsibility in terms of relationship with a woman is your wife. This woman and you are a danger to your family including your relationship to your children.


Alone7, You asked for advice but it is your husband that needs the most advice. You can give him this post and he will know that you did not wright any of it. If he is a real man then he will not just be offended but will take the right actions regarding his emotional affair with this other woman.


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## wife of mlc husband (Feb 17, 2014)

Hello,

I want to know any updates or if you are still here?? I have the EXACT same problem ! Let me hear from you!


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