# How Do You Trust Again?



## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

So, I 'graduated' from a marriage filled with lies, deceptions, affairs (both physical & emotional), I used to think it was all my fault. 

Now, trying to move on...how do you trust again? Granted, I need to give the benefit of the doubts to the next man in my life but how can you trust after the hell you've been through? 

Can you really trust again, if ever?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just have to jump in blindly. Love is a leap of faith. There are never any guarantees.

Don't punish a new partner for one that wronged you in the past.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't think I'll be "jumping in" until I'm with someone that actually is trying to earn my trust. That is hard for me because I'm the kind of person that blindly trusts and assumes the best of people. It has pretty much worked my whole life until the one I trusted most stomped all over it, but this kind of betrayal is one of those turning points in our lives where we learn something about ourselves and life. At least we can gain a lot of wisdom from our experience.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You just have to jump in blindly. Love is a leap of faith. There are never any guarantees.
> 
> Don't punish a new partner for one that wronged you in the past.


That's true, I know I have to give this new guy a fair chance but I am still struggling with the trust part.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Lon said:


> I don't think I'll be "jumping in" until I'm with someone that actually is trying to earn my trust. That is hard for me because I'm the kind of person that blindly trusts and assumes the best of people. It has pretty much worked my whole life until the one I trusted most stomped all over it, but this kind of betrayal is one of those turning points in our lives where we learn something about ourselves and life. At least we can gain a lot of wisdom from our experience.


I'm with you Lon! I posted this topic because I am struggling to re-learn to trust. So far this someone is showing signs that he is trying to make me trust him and had even asked me to open myself up. He knows where I came from.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

This is something that comes with time, and will be different for everyone. A lot of the "being ready for a relationship" stuff you never really know until you try.

One reason why I like having a relationship with someone who has been through the divorce process is that they KNOW what you are feeling and understand all the dynamics.

For me I just decided to fake it if I had to, but I was not going to let being divorced define who I was, or what my options were. Going through the motions I got to what felt natural, but it was easier for me than it may be for others, since I had no true infidelity to overcome.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

More recently I find myself not only worrying whether or not I can learn to completely trust another person in my life, I’m uncertain if I trust myself in picking the right person. 

So many men (and women) appear to have it together when you first meet them. It’s not until a little while later you find out they are screwed up too.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think trusting again evolves over time. I would think that there are at least a few people in your life currently that you trust, maybe family or friends, so you haven't totally lost the ability to trust, it's just the romance/relationship side that you're struggling with. You certainly will be more cautious with anyone new you meet but give them a chance, don't ignore the obvious but don't test and test and test some more everyone you meet, if you look hard enough you can always find fault. 

For me I have found asking lots of questions tells me pretty quickly how a person is, and this time around I am not very tolerant of things. Sometimes I wish I was the type to just blindly jump in and let the cards fall where they may, but that isn't how I'm wired.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

As difficult as it might be, try not to put the weight of the sins of the previous relationship on the next. If the last person treated you like crap, that doesn't mean that the next person may do the same.

it's always a gamble and a risk. Just guard your heart carefully.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Im not gonna lie Im really scared to get into another relationship at this point. Maybe after time fro the scars to heal and me to make better changes and make sure I Bring no extra baggage in from old relationship.

One day


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

I wanted to see this thread because pretty soon, I would be posting this.

Trust is faith based (NOT meaning religion, but just faith). Sometimes it gets betrayed - and it hurts more than a beating.

You (indeed ALL of us) have to have faith. Faith in ourselves, in our SOs, and in life.

I believe the "right person" will absolutely rebuild that faith and trust on their own. I believe (and I hope I'm right) that it will just "reappear".

I absolutely KNOW it doesn't FEEL that way, though, and I am sorry for what you're going through.

Keep the faith, and all the best to you!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

First step is to recognize that not all men are like your x. I never had a Hang up about this with my x wife. She was a cheater and to blame her behavior on every woman is just silly. Now in the dating world when on a date you can just tell the jaded types that think all men are scum and cheaters. Then they wonder why the don't get called back.

Second move slow. It's not a race to get into a relationship date slow and listen. Do they hate all their x's. Did they cheat and lie often in their past. Watch their responses when you ask those questions. Everyone can lie but if you know what to look for its easy to read in body language 

Third listen to your mind and gut not your heart. We as humans are really good at picking up things and seeing red flags. We also talk ourselves out of doubt....wanting to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. But if you have an uneasy feeling 9 time out of 10 your subconscious is picking up something you don't see. Listen to it


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Well first you have to find someone trustworthy 

But jelly is right on this - you just have to do it. So you might get burned again. Well life is about taking risks - it didn't kill you did it? You got through it once and you can do it again (bear in mind I'm over two years out now and it does take a while to get there)


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I find it really difficult to trust that such old threads won't be unzombied. But as I did comment on this a couple years ago I will provide my own update: I have learned to trust again, though there is always a hint of trepidation that was never there before in the time of innocence. I manage my trepidation by relishing in the moment and not putting undue expectations on my new relationship partners.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> I wanted to see this thread because pretty soon, I would be posting this.
> 
> Trust is faith based (NOT meaning religion, but just faith). Sometimes it gets betrayed - and it hurts more than a beating.
> 
> ...


I am a big believer in trusting yourself. Not jus for the picking, but in really knowing and trusting that you can handle it if the trust is betrayed. One of the benefits of having walked the road of being betrayed is discovering just how strong you really are. This is no small thing.


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## iowagal (Dec 31, 2010)

Like you, I have serious trust issues. When my BF does something that really upsets me, I really have to dig into the why to figure out if it is from baggage, and it usually is. We have had many discussions about this, he knows how hard it is to trust, and when I feel he has violated that trust, we talk about why. It is patently unfair to blame my new partner for crimes of my past, and he is pretty good about understanding where the hurt is coming from and we just work through it. It is not easy, and it takes time, and it isn't fair to either of us. I am terrified he is going to walk away when things get hard, and I have threatened to leave so many times I wonder why he doesn't just throw up his hands and just bsay go away, which is what I expect, deep deep down. I try very very hard to let that go, and it is so hard to do! You have to have faith, and when I think it is terrible, all I can do is remember that I survived before, and I can survive again, have faith that I am smart and have learned from my past and give him a chance to prove me wrong. Sorry about the rambling.. it is just that I SOOOOO know where you are coming from.


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