# My fiancee cheated, and now says she wants out



## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

So, my fiancee of 3 years and I have a beautiful baby girl. She is a year old, and is the best thing in my life. I found out my fiancee cheated on me this past May, and it shattered my whole world. Since then, however, she has not shown any remorse, and has simply continued going out late at night and coming home the next day. She says she is staying at a friend's house, but I know thats not true. We recently got into a serious argument that ended up with her telling me she hates me, does not love me, nor does she care about me anymore, and that we are just going to have to stay together for the baby until we both find a place to live. I am literally heartbroken, as I feel as though she has taken my family away. I'm not perfect, but I am a very good guy, and an excellent father. The baby stays with me when she goes out, and I am generally the one taking care of the responsibilities with the baby. We share 1 vehicle, and I own just about all the furniture and electronics in the apartment, so I know that she is only staying in this because it provides transportation and gives her the freedom to go out whenever she wants and for however long she wants. I want out of this situation if she is not going to try to make this work, if for anyone, for our daughter. She seems much more focused on her social life and being the person she was before me and the baby. 

I wake up shaking almost every morning, because I don't feel any connection to the person she has become. I'm afraid to even be affectionate with her, since she is so cold toward me. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I feel as though she is using our daughter as a bargaining chip to get me to stay until she can find a new place and a vehicle. I dont want to leave her stranded, however I do feel as though she would do that to me since she has admitted she does not care for me anymore. Her relationships with her ex's usually never lasted past 1 year, as she gets sick of the person after that amount of time. She said she has never been in a relationship this serious for this long AND had a child. Part of me wants to believe she just needs some space and let her get it out of her system, and maybe she'll snap out of it. But, the reasonable part of me knows better. She was not always like this either. After the baby, and even while she was pregnant, she was very excited about the baby, about having a family, but until just a few months ago, she's changed dramatically. She even went on to say I ruined her life. How? I have NO idea, and she couldn't explain it any further than that. I dont know, I'm rambling. Any advice, any advice from anyone who has experienced something like this would be very appreciated.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

from your other thread I was wondering if she might be cheating on you. Listen to your reasonable part.. this is a toxic relationship. Get whatever evidence you need because you are going to have to fight for custody. And screw her if she gets stranded - that is not your problem, at this point.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Don't marry someone who cheats while dating. You love her but she doesn't love you. She has,no respect for you as she is staying out with the om. You are watching the bsby then?

Ask her to leave, fight for custody and she will have to pay support, but do not beg, plead or cry. She wants this reality, give it to her. She thinks you are a doormat. Then find another woman who loves you. But in there learn about boundaries. You must have given this girl too much of the wrong things. Everyone needs ti have boundaries and not give in on everything the other wants. Negotiate, sure. There will be the occasional line in the sand, too. Sorry to say, your first exercise is with a line in the sand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

Yeah, Nader you're absolutely right. I do not want to be in this anymore, and I am beginning the hate the sight of her. I'm just afraid for the baby, because she has made statements saying I'll never see my daughter again if I leave. I'm not easily scared, but anything with my daughter does scare me. Guess its time to suck it up and make the decision I've been avoiding.

NZHappy- You hit the nail on the head. Being nice is one thing, being too nice, and continuing to care when she doesn't care, just doesn't solve anything. Maybe its time for some shock therapy, and see how she likes it without me around anymore.

Clipclop- Well said. I guess it took me actually opening up on the forums to realize all of this. The only problem with her is, there is no negotiation, there is no sacrifice on her part. Its all about her and her needs, and when I say no, it leads to an argument like NO OTHER. I've said some things out of anger in the past, but NEVER anything like she says. I dont know what I'm so afraid of. Maybe it's time to figure it out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Her not having relationships beyond 1 year is very telling. You being her longest relationship (3 yrs) and her already bolting and wanting the next new thing falls right in line w/ this. She is addicted to the shiny/new love feeling. And when it wears off, she goes into another relationship. When that one gets boring, she will go off into the next one and on and on. She will likely do this her entire life until she figures out, all relationships lose the shiny/new feeling.

My advice: let her go. It takes two to make a relationship work. Make sure you get protected to what's rightfully yours and set up a custody agreement that works for you.

Oh and you shouldn't be the one to leave. She is te one who wants out, she can go. Make sure you're documenting all of her late-night partying and not coming home. I would go for the maximum custody.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think you are on the right track. She isn't ready for a real relnship. Let the om figure that out. You have 3 years of her way or the highway. Time to get some balance back in your life.

You will find such relief when you are away from her. And you won't accept the same crap from the next woman. Balance, negotiation. Love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

Thanks so much for the advice all. Its a very lonely feeling going through all of this..I appreciate the support. I'll update as needed


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I hope you will learn to accept real love. Learn from your love of that baby of yours. You know what it looks like. Require it for yourself.

Man, it ain't easy but it is sure worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It is very clear that this is not the same women you fell in love with 3 years ago. So with that said she will take from you for what ever she can get.
Please protect your self. Get some legal counsel and set up the walls that will protect you from getting hurt any more. These boundries are set for you, not for her. Establish these boundries and do not let them down. 
She has made it very clear that she could care aless about you so take these step from getting hurt and distance your self... do not give her any information with regards to how you will protect your self.
She is sleeping with some one and has no concern about you or the kid. Right now its all about OM. Document her comings and goings. do not leave until you have set up a court order on cusdity. The last thing you want is her claiming abandonment.
So calm down and while she is so involved with OM...you are planning and saving and gathering accuarate information that will protect you. 
Stay quite and plan your exit, she will not see it coming as long as you stay calm, eat, work out, and get counsel. So focus!
Even if you have to go online, down to the court house, or social servises....find the resources that will protect whats yours. Remember do not let her know. While she is out all night you are online rsearching and exploring the best way to protect you and your kid.

Right now it is very hard b/c of the emotional attachment you have and the lose of a loved one, but once you establish your rights and you have protected your self, then you can address this relation ship. It's not just about you any more, and as hard as it is you have to stay focused on daughter and your rights.
If you don't get your wits about you she will destroy you. Sorry but she has become that person.

Get a voice activated recorder, she seems the type to smash her own face in the wall, just to get you arrested. Be very carefull...she is not the girl you fell in love with.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Tell her not to let the door hit her on her A*S, as she leaves---permanently

STOP BEING MR NICE GUY, THE DOORMAT---cut her loose now, and let her fend for herself---the court can decide custody

That means she leaves now---and she provides her own transportation, and do not WASTE one more PENNY on her.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You know what you have to do- So do it!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She's a stank ho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Listen to jellybean's advice, as you're turning and walking (no, RUNNING) from this person, make sure you collect all evidence you can about who the better parent is here. 
Face it, she's currently the enemy and everything you do here going forward is going to impact your relationship with the baby in the future. Get what you need now, and then you can be nicer after you've split up permanently with terms that are best for you.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I think you should ask for a paternity test.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm usually the one sayin that everyone should make up. But I would kick this woman out of the house. Tell her to f'ing stay wherever she goes at night. She already has another place to stay at night. She just comes back to your house to get into the fridge


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Oh man. I wish that I could write something that was contrary to what has been written by others but I can't. First of all, this relationship is OVER. This girl is clearly cake-eating by doing whatever she wants, while leaving you with the sloppy seconds. To make it even worse, she's doing it without any regard to your welfare or the child's. You cannot force anyone to love you so don't try to, especially a chick who steps over you like a Marine on an obstacle course. I would get a paternity test on the child the two of you have right now. That girl might not be yours to begin with. Then, I would get tested for any STDs, pronto. Gather the info you need if the kid is yours, save as much $$$ as you can, and slowly execute an exit strategy. If she is putting you through this while in the dating phase, Lord help you after she gets a marriage license with your name on it. She could cheat on you, then force you to be a living hostage by demanding alimony and child support if you so much as look at the door.

Do like Poltergeist and GET OUT!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

Well, Its been a few days since I posted, and so far, things havent gotten any better. She has begun saying things like she wishes she got an abortion and her life would be much less complicated, and that having a baby ruined her life, as did I. Then, she has her mood swing/manipulative bullsh&t a few minutes later, stating she just wants a bit of "freedom" this summer to go out with her friends since she was locked in the house for 2 years and was never like that. However, I have caught her in several lies, especially over this past weekend. As usual, Saturday night she went out to the club, dressed to leave little to the imagination, and left at 10:30pm. She did not return home until 1:30PM...the next afternoon. No call, no text, nothing. I ***** her out, telling her its ****ing ridiculous she spends the night out and comes home at that time, and of course she has a "legitimate" excuse. So Sunday evening, she had plans to go to her "friend's" house again, and oh wouldn't you know, she spends the night yet again. She comes back home at 9:30 the next morning (Memorial Day) and goes to bed. We were supposed to go do something with the family, and a short time after going to bed, she says shes not coming and to go without her. So I do, I say **** it, whatever. Once at my family's house, she calls and says she should have come, because NOW she's awake, and wants me to come pick her up (I was an hour away). No, I didn't get her. HELL no. I'm guessing she was going to stay home and make plans with O/M, but he apparently had other plans already, and now she was stuck home, so I guess I'm her fallback option. 
I'm finding myself more and more angry each day. I've lost over 20 pounds in 20 days (since Mother's Day), but I'm trying to keep my focus on my daughter.

Simon- I know my daughter is mine, only because she looks EXACTLY like me. But, for a second there, I did second guess it, then had a panic attack because of it haha.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man I'm a cheating spouse on here so I tread lightly - but this one's over before it started - lucky for you finding out now. It's a b**ch about your daughter, unfortunately you can't pick your parents (mother in this case). Show your fiance the door and fight like hell for your kid. Don't let her twist your mind up - get out!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Agree with Locard; either way the results turn out... RUN and don't look back. You deserve to find someone that won't throw you away like garbage.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

talk to a lawyer and find a way to document all this crap so that it is legal to use to get custody of your kid. I am sorry but proving that she is verbally abusive, threatens to use the child as pawn to get to do what she wants you to do, and going out and getting drunk every night, and cheating will really help you be able to legally get your daughter and get out.

i mean saying that she wishes she had an abortion and being gone for days at a time... use that stuff. its whack that your taking this...

be a man and protect your child and you life... f*ck this b*tch


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You surely know your marriage is over. That part's out of the way. Now you need to help your child, not even you so much. You can walk out. She can't. You can't leave her with this awful person.

Document, document, document. Spy a little. Document what you find then spy a little more. Document all of all that.

PI's are expensive, but my guess is that after a couple of Saturday nights he/she will have enough evidence to give you primary custody your daughter.

She sounds like a HORRIBLE person.


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

So last night, I was sitting next to her, and her phone rings, and the name of her ex shows up on her phone. She quickly canceled the call out, and had that "oh **** I can't believe that just happened" look on her face. I confronted her about it, and of course, she had an excuse, saying she doesn't know why he is calling her (this is the same one she cheated on me with, I guess now I know its def still going on). So, I let it be, because you can't convince a liar they are a liar, or even get one to admit it, so I said **** it. I then told her it's time she started making plans to leave. She thinks she can call my bluff, that I won't leave her, but at this point, my daughter is my primary concern. She says she NOT doing anything with anyone, not cheated, BLAH...BLAH...****ing BLAH. All bull****. I know, enough of the denial or giving her the benefit of the doubt. She says she doesn't know what she wants right now, as she wants to feel young and go out with friends, and doesn't know if having a family is what she wants right now, but expects me to wait around for her to make a decision. Guess what? I've already made mine. I'm done. I look at her and my blood boils. She lies to me and I see red. One day, I sincerely HOPE and PRAY she wakes up, and realizes she pissed away her family and everything good she had, just for someone else and some dime-a-dozen friends.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BulletProof said:


> She says she doesn't know what she wants right now, as she wants to feel young and go out with friends, and doesn't know if having a family is what she wants right now, but expects me to wait around for her to make a decision. Guess what? I've already made mine. I'm done.


I am glad you have made up your mind cause it's clear she does not have your best interest.

So now, what is the next step? What will you DO?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If she wants to act like an uncommitted single woman so be it. Have her pack her things and kick her out. If she refuses then pack your things and take the baby with you. Get yourself aggressive legal representation immediately and file for custody of your child and request child support from her.

There are millions of quality women out there, why settle for a defective one?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BulletProof said:


> Well, Its been a few days since I posted, and so far, things havent gotten any better. She has begun saying things like she wishes she got an abortion and her life would be much less complicated, and that having a baby ruined her life, as did I.
> 
> As usual, Saturday night she went out to the club, dressed to leave little to the imagination, and left at 10:30pm. She did not return home until 1:30PM...the next afternoon. No call, no text, nothing.
> 
> So Sunday evening, she had plans to go to her "friend's" house again, and oh wouldn't you know, she spends the night yet again. She comes back home at 9:30 the next morning (Memorial Day) and goes to bed.


What in the Frick?? Yeah be done with her fast. If she is not on the lease or anything, tell her she can leave today, pack her stuff and have it waiting for her. Get a custody agreement in writing fast. Go for the full amount. She sounds very irresponsible and selfish.


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So now, what is the next step? What will you DO?


Well, I know with every fiber of my being, that I do NOT want to be anywhere around her. As for my daughter, she is basically using her as a trophy, showing her off to her friends, giving off the impression she's this responsible mother who takes care of her daughter. Its sickening. I can not believe ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth. Hell, she could tell me she farted and I wouldn't believe it even if I smelled it. I guess its time to start making an exit strategy. I don't want to put any details online though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need a custody agreement STAT. No lie. 

Re: not posting the details--understood. My advice is to check with the laws where you live about what is necessary to start this process and waht you are legally entitled to/what your rights are.

Oh. And get tested for STDs.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You need a custody agreement STAT. No lie.
> 
> Re: not posting the details--understood. My advice is to check with the laws where you live about what is necessary to start this process and waht you are legally entitled to/what your rights are.
> 
> Oh. And get tested for STDs.




YES GET TESTED, BITE THE BULLET GO TO THE DOC. I DO NOT WANT TO SCARE YOU, BUT IT'S REALLY BAD OUT THERE RIGHT NOW WITH STD.

ray:ray:ray:ray:


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## TheFamilyMan (May 4, 2011)

clearly the obvious decision based on your post would be to separate...


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I had an ex-gf do something like this, the minute I discovered the real reasons she was staying out with “friends” I immediately took steps to end the relationship and she acted sad but did not try to stop me.

6 months of NC later she was begging me to go out with her but I found someone else and she flipped out. She had partied it up for a couple for months but once she got it out of her system she wanted her old life back but she did too much damage. That’s the price you pay for being young and dumb.

Stop arguing with her. The more you fight her the more she will resist and use your fights as justification to continuing whoring around. Don’t talk to her unless you have to and don’t act like her going out bothers you anymore. Do your own thing and go file for a divorce asap. Most states have a waiting period anyway so you filing will show some backbone and that you will no longer be disrespected. 

Stop acting like you care anymore, no fighting, no emotions. Accept that it’s over and she is going to continue cheating regardless of what you say or do. She’ll regret it later, they always do.


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

UPDATE:
Well, she's out again. Left the house @ 8:00p, her usual time. This time she's going to go help a friend move because she just broke up with her boyfriend. Of course she has not come home yet, and probably won't be home tonight, as usual. Its ok though, I'm taking everyone's advice very seriously and I appreciate all the support. 

ArmyofJuan- I figure at some point she will come back around...but with how I'm feeling now, I dont want her to. I've done what you are saying though...started acting as though her going out doesnt bother me. She makes plans with me, then as soon as a "friend" calls, she breaks plans and goes out with them. That really was the last straw.. I hate being made to feel like I'm 3rd best. Anyway, further updates manana.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Don't marry someone who cheats while dating. You love her but she doesn't love you. She has,no respect for you as she is staying out with the om. You are watching the bsby then?
> 
> Ask her to leave, fight for custody and she will have to pay support, but do not beg, plead or cry. She wants this reality, give it to her. She thinks you are a doormat. Then find another woman who loves you. But in there learn about boundaries. You must have given this girl too much of the wrong things. Everyone needs ti have boundaries and not give in on everything the other wants. Negotiate, sure. There will be the occasional line in the sand, too. Sorry to say, your first exercise is with a line in the sand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Incoming 2x4:

BulletProof, this stops when YOU say it does. Being a doormat only results in you being walked over and over again.


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

Well, I've finally had enough. After she spent the night out last night, she came home this morning like nothing was wrong. We got into a huge fight, ended up with her saying this isn't what she wants anymore, she wants to be on her own, to do her own thing, yada yada yada. Fine by me. I own everything in the apartment, so she'll be left with a bed. She wants out so bad? Wants to go do her own thing? Fine. It ends now. Just have to worry about my daughter.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

BulletProof said:


> Well, I've finally had enough. After she spent the night out last night, she came home this morning like nothing was wrong. We got into a huge fight, ended up with her saying this isn't what she wants anymore, she wants to be on her own, to do her own thing, yada yada yada. Fine by me. I own everything in the apartment, so she'll be left with a bed. She wants out so bad? Wants to go do her own thing? Fine. It ends now. Just have to worry about my daughter.


Stay strong. She now expects you to cry, plead and beg her to stay. Unfortunately, your WW has toxic friends that both enable the affair, and one definitely facilitates the affair (the one that lets her spend the night, or provides the alibi of her staying the night). The chances of her even emerging from the fog are slim, especially when she and her enabling friends are more than likely demonizing you. Very tough situation. Do the 180 for you to gain strength and help you detach and remove any lingerie codependency issues that you might have.

If you can afford it, seek counseling, and lawyer up and see what your legal options are.


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## BulletProof (May 27, 2011)

Her friends are definitely enabling the behavior, no doubt about it. All of her friends, who are new friends, all broke up with their men, and are on a "man hating" binge. Unfortunately mine is very easily influenced by what others are doing. 

NZHappy and LordMayhem, you're both absolutely on point. I've been so angry these past few weeks I haven't really taken the time to absorb the gravity of the situation. It's easier to be angry than it is to actually feel the hurt it's causing. I didn't want this, and never expected ANY of this as it is not the person I first fell in love with. I guess I have to accept that person is gone, and start doing things for myself. This wound runs deeper than others in the past namely because of my daughter, and my desire to have a family (wife and kids). But I guess, for now, that has to be put on hold until I get back into a healthier, happier frame of mind. I appreciate ALL the advice you all have given me thus far; it has helped me get through an extremely tough situation that for some could be debilitating. 
Anyway, and as always, I'll update as needed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't talk to her anymore unless it's about the kids. If you are serious about filing, go see a lawyer. 

DO NOT beg, plead, cry. NO WAY, JOSE!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

BP good for you, hang tough.


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