# Tricky issue with No Contact and sister in law



## impermanence (Jan 15, 2011)

New around these parts. Great forum, so much helpful information. Wish I found it before we entered the reconciliation phase. Anyhow, long story short my wife of eleven years had a four month affair with a younger man who worked for our former landscaping company. Nice... Kind of rough as the affair took place in the marital home. When I found out, it didn't end immediately either. Without realizing it I ran a modified Plan A, thankfully didn't need to get to Plan B... We've been in marriage counseling for a while now and I'm honestly surprised things are working out, so far. Wife had her Jimmy Stewart moment. She has been truly remorseful and is out of the "fog". We seem to appreciate each other the way we should of all along and the communication and sex has been very good. The affair has now been over for almost three months. I have accepted that this happened but am still working towards forgiveness. The triggers are hard to deal with, I think it's more like a slow fade than a quick recovery... 

Anyhow, the reason for the post is I have a question and need a little advice. To avoid me finding the text message records my wife was using her sister as a go between. The OM would text the sister who would then text my wife. Wife would respond to the sister who would send it back the OM. The wife still communicates with the sister and I see the records. It all seems on the up and up (normal activity), but how could I ever really trust? It seems unreasonable to ask her to stop communicating with her sister. Yes, I have full transparency. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Has anyone held your SIL's feet to the fire yet?

She didn't cheat but she sure doesn't have clean hands in all this.

Personally, I wouldn't want much to do with her if it were me.

And as glad as I am for you that you and your wife are trying to work things out, 3 months seems like a very short period of time to feel as though all is "done."

By that I mean that your reaction to what transpired, her feelings about it. The long term impact of this.

Presumably there will be no further contact or work connection with this jerk she cheated with.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Are you both in counseling? If so, I would definitely ask the counselor how to deal with that situation. On the one hand, I agree that the sister was an accessory to the crime and I would have a very hard time dealing with her from now on. On the other hand, she is not more guilty than your wife so if you are willing to forgive your wife, there should be some sort of forgiveness or at least acceptance of the sister's behavior. Three months does seem like a short period of time so just take things slow. I'm happy that your wife had her "aha" moment, but from what I've seen, they sometimes flip flop or revert from that moment as time goes on. If you're not in counseling, I would definitely look into that asap. Don't band-aid this or just try to rush through to get to the other side as quick as possible. If the problems in the marriage aren't fixed, she will likely cheat again. If you don't deal with all of your emotions in the right way, you will harbor lots of resentment down the road and things could explode on your end.


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## impermanence (Jan 15, 2011)

I definitely don't feel like I'm out of the woods. Give it a year or two and I'll let you know Yes, I have spoken with the sister and she has apologized, realized how wrong her actions were. She has said that she will no longer do this and hasn't for months.


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## impermanence (Jan 15, 2011)

@ blownaway - Thanks, yeah were both in counseling. It has been rough but I'm kind of surprised so far.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would like to add to BA, when you mention transparecy, do you read her text? It helps me to have that access to my wifes cell.

As far as the SIL, I mad no vows to her but she is part of the family, so my take is, wife can have a relationship(can't stop that) but me and SIL would never be friends. See, that would be the consequence, my SIL would never be welcome in the home, i would not be spending my money on birthday present for her much less send her a xmas card.

Even if the SIL was a really nice chick and cool to hang out with I would just want that proverbial letter "A" on her dress. something that has consequences. Mind you its not vengence but acknoledgement for bad behaviors. And the fact that doing it again has consequence.

Face it you wife has the proverbal letter "A" on her dress b/c know she has to aswer to and account for every little thing she does for the rest of her life, but the SIL whats she have, whats her consequence/ albatros?

Something that says hey I won't do this again its not worth it!

I know I don't sound very forgiving, but I gave it all to my wife 11 months ago;-)


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Does the Sil know the OM personally , has she enforced no contact with him? The difficulty you face you can not ever trust your Sil again and will always wonder what the text messages between her and your wife are. I would slowly introduce a limited contact with the Sil with a goal of moving to full NC. No matter how sorry she is today would she have been sorry if your marriage fell apart, I doubt it. The Sil is a bad trigger, go elsewhere for family occasions , slowly move away from them and of your wife's and Sil parents ask tell them the truth , which is the Sil is a negative trigger of a bad memory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## impermanence (Jan 15, 2011)

Yes, she knows the OM and has enforced no contact. I do have full access the cell.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I take it that SIL is not married or in a long term exclusive relationship. She had an opportunity to advise her sister, your wife, to stay true to her marriage. Instead, she chose to be an enabler in her sister's betrayal.

I would not ever trust that lady. Sure, you don't have to stinkeye her every time you see her. However, barhopping disguised as "shopping" would always be my first thought whenever some harmless sibling bonding is proposed.

And further, her deceptive way was likely learned at home from somebody, at least one parent or in dealing with a parent. Same place your wife learned her deceptive ways. I suspect they covered for each other growing up. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

The SIL is of low low low moral content! 
It's one thing for your wife to have an affair, it's equally bad for the SIL to know about it, but to facilitate it is unconscionable! 
That just goes well beyond the realm of sisterly love!
I would have an honest conversation w/ your wife and tell her that you feel her sister does not represent the moral fabric you are trying to reestablish and you want your wife to limit contact while you rebuild your marriage. Like Eli-Zor states, work towards limited or no contact. Your SIL is no friend of your marriage!


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## impermanence (Jan 15, 2011)

The SIL is in another state, so I don't see her often. Maybe once or twice a year. Really no need to ask for limited physical contact. They talk once or twice a week... Yeah, she is of very low moral content. Funny thing is I knew my wife and the SIL way before marriage. My wife always had the good reputation, the SIL a very bad reputation. I get the sense the SIL was happy to enable in order to knock my wife, who is prettier and has a better life, down a few notches.... Wife reports that the SIL would tell her to stop the affair and that this type of behavior was not like her yet at the same time facilitating the affair. Complete trash...


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