# My wife and I have had sex 4 times in 10 years!



## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times. 

When we met, she was 18 and I was 21. She was a virgin. We had sex all the time. Then I went away to college and we sort of lost touch. We got back together a few years later. We lived together for 4-5 years and has sex quite a bit in the beginning but then she started losing a lot of interest. 

We have always been healthy, I had a successful business, we owned a home, we smiled and laughed a lot, but after awhile she simply was not interested in sex anymore. I would ask her all the time and she kept shooting me down. It was embarrassing for me. I was beginning to feel like a pervert. I finally told her that if she was going to keep saying "no" to me then I was going to stop asking her. I think saying that was the best thing she ever heard. I think she was relieved.

As strange as it may seem, I still asked her to marry me. We had been together for so long, and I thought it would add a new energy and milestone to our lives.

We might be the only couple in the world who did not have sex on our Honeymoon. We were in a beautiful B&B. It did not matter. At least 2 years went by. I think we were in a hotel once and we had sex. I barely remember. 

A year or so later we were in another hotel room and I told her that I really wish I did not have to wear condoms all the time. They hurt me and I was always red and my skin felt terribly dry and raw after. I asked if she would go on birth control pills and she said no.

We have never had sex in any of the apartments or homes we lived in. Only hotels.

4 times in 10 years!

Did she ever have an affair? No. Not her. Believe me. She has no friends. She is quiet as a mouse. She has no energy. She rarely speaks. She is probably one of the most boring people I ever met in my life. I am sorry to say that because she has many good qualities. She is kind and considerate and honest. But she is always falling asleep. She can fall asleep 30 seconds after sitting down on the couch. I've ever seen anything like it. And it is not because she has such an exhausting job. She doesn't. I just think her mind is so empty that she can just go blank.

This sounds really insulting, huh? 

Is she dumb? No. But she is not like me. In fact, if we were not married, and if we were not together for so long, I don't think I'd want to be friends with her. Simply because we have absolutely nothing to talk about.

She suffers from depression like her mom. Oh, man, her mom. Are you ready for this? I have NEVER seen her mother smile. Ever. Not once. She is the most negative creature on earth. and my wife has become the same way. Would you believe I actually ask my wife to smile? I do. I say, "smile!" And she doesn't. I ask her t laugh and she doesn't. Who on earth asks their wife to smile and laugh? 

We have no children. I always wanted children. She hates them. I asked her last year if she wants to have one and she said no. I have been in a very bad mood lately. I am in my 30's. I have accomplished a great deal and I have no one to leave anything to. When I die, it'll be like I never existed. The state will come and throw all of my things away when she or I are gone.

She is nearly 40 now. The store will be closing. Even if she agrees to have a child or children, will it even happen anymore?

If you met me you'd never believe this. No one seems happier. No one smiles more. No one seems more excited, energetic, and thrilled to be alive. But I am in a friendless, sexless, joyless marriage. 

One more thing I want to make clear. She does not speak. I am not kidding. She can go the entire day and not say a word. Meanwhile, I can talk and talk and talk. 

If I leave her she will be alone forever. I don't want her to be alone. But I am all alone. I will be for the rest of my life. 

I will never get those years back. How could I let it go on or this long? Is it possible to change someone's entire personality?

I don't know what to do.

Any advice, my wise and experienced friends?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Get out. No kids makes it easier. Sex 4 times in 10 years???? That's just crazy. Life's too short. Your life sounds miserable, I am sorry to say that, I don't know how manage to smile and be happy go lucky. Not your problem if she will be alone the rest of her life if you leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

Leave now---life is too short to be unhappy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You made a horrible choice of a wife. You made a bad decision to marry her. The only solution to your problem is a divorce. The only way to get out of a bad decision is to make a good decision.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Both of you have a right to a fulfilling, healthy, sexual marriage. You clearly seem to want that. She seems to be ok with the way things are. LOTS of time has gone by in the mean time...and life is too short to waste it like this in my opinion!

I would change your situation and move in a new direction. Maybe that means MC, or maybe that means divorce. Only you will know. Once you make this directional change, you will kick yourself for not doing this 10 years ago. I hope you both find happiness.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

musicaldreams said:


> I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times.


From my perspective, you're lucky. How about that?



> We might be the only couple in the world who did not have sex on our Honeymoon.


Nope. Lot's of us who didn't have sex on our honeymoons.



> She has no friends. She is quiet as a mouse. She has no energy. She rarely speaks. She is probably one of the most boring people I ever met in my life. I am sorry to say that because she has many good qualities. She is kind and considerate and honest.


That's exactly how my wife is so you're not alone.

I agree with the others. Get out. She's got issues she needs to deal with and it's not your responsibility to wait around another 20 years to see if she ever addresses them.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Filing for divorce might wake her up. If she knows you'll leave without sex she might start doing it. But even if she doesn't, and you end up leaving her, you'll be better off. So filing divorce, you'll be better off whether you go through with it or not. Just don't do it as a bluff.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

This woman needs serious medical attention. First off, she may have narcolepsy. Falling asleep in 30 sec after sitting down isn't normal...but is common in narcolepsy. Her lack of energy, her zombie-like state could be from that, as well as possibly hypothyroidism. 

I have a mild form of narcolepsy. I suffered from torturous sleepiness from the time I was a teenager. My parents always said I was "just growing" and would eventually grow out of it. I didn't. As an adult, I saw several doctors. All of them blew me off and said to just exercise and take a vitamin every day. Until I found my current doctor about 10 years ago, I lived hour to hour desperately sleepy, longing for it to be bedtime. It was no way to live. My doctor had me tested for sleep disorders then prescribed a medication. I take it once a day in the morning. It has changed my life. When I started taking it, I felt like I was actually alive for the first time ever. I started excelling at my job, I put myself back through college to further my degree, I started pursuing hobbies...I was no longer a zombie. I also found out I was hypothyroid, and treating that has helped immensely as well. 

Demand that she see a doctor. You might even need to go in with her and explain to the doctor what behavior you're seeing in her that is concerning. I doubt that all of her behavior is related to a possible medical condition. But, if there are treatable conditions, having those addressed might wake her up to be more interested in improving herself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Get Out

Nothing is going to change

EVER


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. There is not one reason for you to be with her. Not one.

I hate to say it so harshly, but you've wasted years of your life in a relationship that gave you none of the basic things a marriage should: Love, companionship, passion, happiness, intimacy.


Those years are gone and you can't get them back.

You can however get tomorrow and the next days after that back. 

Divorce your roommate. You are not currently living in a marriage - what you are living in is a monastery with another inmate. Leave the monastery and find a partner and friend and lover you can have a life with.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

I feel for you, but I guess I'm not understanding these two sentences when taken together:




musicaldreams said:


> I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times.
> 
> A year or so later we were in another hotel room and I told her that I really wish I did not have to wear condoms all the time.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I suppose the easiest thing for me to do now is to continue on with complaints about her, but what more could possibly be said that would offer different advice? If I told you more about my married life, you'd be sick. 

In the immortal words of Dorothy Parker, ''... if I wrote about mine you wouldn't sit in the same room with me.''

I have thought about getting her to a doctor, but even if she takes something to "snap her out of it," she honestly does not have the personality to smile, laugh, and be happy anyway. She has no hobbies, no friends, no interests, and nothing to look forward to. I don't know how anyone can go through life that way. I always have books to read, things to check out, and countless things I want to do.

She comes home from work and watched Glee or one of those Chef Ramsey shows on ROKU. If I have to hear the same damn episodes of Fraser on more time I am going to go out of my mind. How do people watch the same repeats of shows over and over again? I can understand watching he Wizard of Oz or Willie Wonka on TV once a year, during the holidays, but not tthe same freakin' episodes of Golden Girls over and over again. 

She's not like dealing with a girl. She's not like dealing with a lady. She's like dealing with a . . . postal employee. Talking to her is like ordering stamps. There is no real conversation. It's a transaction. Ask a question. Get an answer. Actually, most of the time I don't even get an answer. She tells me, "I'm thinking."

So, does she suffer from depression and need medicine??? Yeah. I am sure of that. Would taking medicine make her the type of person I want to see and speak with and have sex with everyday? No. 

Sad, huh?

How does one make the decision to leave someone else behind who did not consciously do anything wrong? It's not like she robbed me, cheated me, went out of her way to harm me. She did not take the time or energy to do anything to wrong me. 

Instead ... she did "nothing." Ever. Maybe that's worse? 

How does one leave another? How can I just leave and let her come home to an empty house? 

What could she possibly tell her family that would not embarrass her? She does not have it in her to make me into the "enemy" as happens when couples split. I will not suddenly became the mean, miserable jerk that men and women accuse each other of being when they split up. She won't do that and I won't do that.

What could I possibly tell my family? After all, she is so quiet, and kind, and gentle. She does not have it in her to harm anyone, so how can I harm her?

These are the reasons I have stayed. These are the reasons I have not cheated. I don't have it in me to harm her and I would not be able to think straight for the rest of my life if I do.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

She seems so apathetic, are you sure your leaving her would devastate her the way you think it would? It almost seems like if you told her you wanted to leave, she'd say "oh, ok...it was nice knowing you" and turn back to watching the Golden Girls rerun. 

If it would provoke a reaction, maybe that would be good too...for you to see her have SOME show of emotion. Perhaps a trial separation would be worth considering.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> I feel for you, but I guess I'm not understanding these two sentences when taken together:


Let me see if I can clear up the confusion. When we first started dating she was a virgin and she fell in love with me. (I guess I fell I love with her, too. There is no generic way to define what love is. We all think different things at different times in our lives).

She was hoping she and I would have sex (after all, we were dating for awhile!) so she got on birth control pills. Eventually she went off of them because of side-effects, etc. We started using condoms. I never liked them. Maybe I should have shopped around. Try different ones, etc.

Anyway, we had sex 3-4 times in 10 years. Always in hotel rooms when we were away on a trip. Even though I say she does not speak, I am half-joking and half-not. It is true that she is quiet as a mouse. She can go the entire day without speaking. But I am not married to someone with a brain injury. She DOES speak. So during a conversation I told her that I don't like using condoms for the reasons I stated. I asked if she would consider going back on birth control. She said NO. I dropped the subject and never mentioned it again.

Maybe she was afraid of saying YES because that would mean that she would be ready and willing to have sex in the future. Seems pretty obvious, right? So she said NO ... and that way she got to throw her little crumb at me (the one night of sex since forever ago), and then she got to turn away.

She is probably happy that I told her that the condoms bother me. I bet you if we went to counseling she would bring that up and say that was the reason why we have not had sex. She's say, "Oh! It's not my fault. I told him that birth control pills affect me, but he does not want to use condoms." 

Do you see how the above sort of takes her out of the equation and she can place the blame on me?

By the way, it is not easy to speak to her the way normal people speak to each other. She does NOT reply to questions. She is blank. She'll stare at me and start crying. 

THAT is what I have been dealing with for my entire life since I married her. I married a pretty, kind, sweet, gentle woman who does NOT have any friends, any interests, and who does not speak to me. Or maybe a better way of saying it is - she does not "communicate" with me.

I don't want to beat up on her. There are nearly 7 billion people in the world. There are plenty of women - and men - like her. Unfortunately, I married one.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

241happyhour said:


> Leave now---life is too short to be unhappy.


I agree....no judgement beyond that though.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She is cheating! She is cheating you out of a real life with a loving married partner. No different than giving it to another man and not you. Same results.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I still think you should leave, but that doesn't mean I think it's all her fault. Actually I suspect that it's mostly your fault. You probably won't like hearing that, but you're the one who allowed it to go this far. You're the one who didn't enforce marital boundaries. You're the one who dropped the subject at the least objection. 

Look, I know it's mostly your fault because I've been there and I was you. And it was mostly my fault. Figuring that out was the first step to fixing it. In this case it's probably too late. But you'll still need to fix yourself for your next relationship. Or it will eventually Be a repeat.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I still think you should leave, but that doesn't mean I think it's all her fault. Actually I suspect that it's mostly your fault. You probably won't like hearing that, but you're the one who allowed it to go this far. You're the one who didn't enforce marital boundaries. You're the one who dropped the subject at the least objection.


:iagree:

This is your fault too. You put up with this abysmal lifestyle and taught her she could have it that way.

The thing is what will you do about it now?


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

I agree. I agree. I agree.

It still sucks, though.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Has she ever seen a doctor about her depression?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

musicaldreams, 

Do you want intimacy and an active sex life? 

Do you have enough love left for her, to want that with her?

What will you do to get there?

Will you be a leader in this marriage now?

Are you willing to destabilize the relationship to have one? 

Or are you afraid of confrontation and rather consign yourself to live life as it is?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I'll take a stab at "armchair psychology" and say she has a major personality disorder. Possibly Schiziod Personality Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Here's a link to articles describing them. Your wife seems to fit into both of these, but favors the Schizoid type from the info you gave.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - PsychCentral
Avoidant Personality Disorder - Psych Central

If your wife does have a personality disorder, just know right now that there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT except learn to accept it or decide you can't accept it and leave. If I were you, I'd choose the latter, as no one should feel obligated to be held prisoner to someone else's mental illness. (That is a realization I'm coming to myself.)


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

She has never seen a doctor about her form of depression. It is interesting because she is not depressed in the way that one would normally assume a depressed person would behave. She clearly has some sort of chemical imbalance or something or things I don't know because her mom is the same way. Her parents are divorced. We like hanging out with her dad. He is a nice man. But he is also apathetic. I have never heard him raise his voice. I have never seen him mad. He won't argue with anyone about anything. He won't even drive across the street to buy cheaper gas. He says that if something is less than $5.00, he never bothers to go through the trouble of doing something like that. 

So, she's got part of that in her. She won't go through the trouble of doing anything unless she is dragged to it. I once got her to go to the gym and she never stopped telling me how much she hated it. She once said, "The only reason I go is so I can eat whatever I want." NOTE: She is not heavy, but she can be. Her mother sure has had a weight problem in the past. It goes back and forth. I guess the assumption is that she will go to the gym so she can eat dessert at the Cheesecake Factory and not care about it because she'll be in a yoga class a few days later and the calories will get burned off that way.

The things people tell themselves is interesting, isn't it? I mean, on one hand it makes sense, on the other hand it is a ridiculous attitude.

Last year she did tell me that she is afraid that she is going to turn out let her mom, who has never been happy and never will be. I mentioned in my first post that since I met her mom when I was 21 I have NEVER seen her smile. I asked my father-in-law if he ever saw her smile during their marriage ad he actually had to think about it for a second and then finally nodded that he had. Is that the sort of thing a man should have to think about? Has he ever seen his wife smile? Her father said it about his wife. Now I am saying it about his daughter. I don't mean it 100%. Don't get me wrong. It's not like my wife is going to start attacking people with an ax. She has smiled. I have seen it. I have hard her laugh a few times. But she is not a "happy" person. 

Incidentally, I asked her dad why he left her mom and he had the same reasons I have. He did not want to go through the rest of his life being unhappy. Does anyone?

Now he is in a happy ad solid relationship. Rock solid. They have been together for over a decade. I'd prefer not to think about this but my wife's dad has sex more than I do. But it's not just about sex. 

What value can be placed on happiness? What amount would anyone pay to be happy? What would one give up to be with someone who smiles in the morning? Who is interested in you? Who is interested in what you do? Who takes your hand and really wants to hold it? What would the world be like if everyone knew they always had someone who was always by their side? 

Did you ever see the film SLIDING DOORS? What would our lives be like if we missed the train? If we turned left instead of right? If we went to that school instead of this one? If we walked straight instead of stopping at the bench? If we spoke up instead of keeping our mouth shut? If we stayed silent instead of saying something we should not have said?

We could all drive ourselves thinking questions like that. The good news, not all is bad with everyone all the time. My life is not a disaster. I am not Papillon, trapped on a prison island. But I've spent way too much time talking to someone who does not hear me. 

One thing I wonder about is how can I ever have sex with her again anyway? For starters, it'll feel like she is doing it out some sort of obligation. She'll just lay there like a corpse. (I am used to that, btw). But we're not really roommates. We're more like a brother and sister who are living together while we wait for our lives to begin. How does one have sex with someone like that? 

I am so happy that you are all taking the time to reply. What you write makes so much sense. But I think what has been really helpful is for me to really say all this because it does not seem real. There is no way this is my life. Not me. No way. I don't want this life. I can't fix this. I guess I really am the brother who is waiting for his life to begin. Or better yet, waiting for ACT III to begin. ACT 1. Before. ACT II. With. ACT III. After.

No one goes into anything expecting it to go wrong and fail. No one. We all have high hopes. But I guess sometimes we have to close the store if we have no customers who want to buy what we are offering, right?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

just wondering how old is she?
If she hasn't gone to the doctors for depression i'm guessing hasn't ever had her hormone levels checked.
has she ever said she isn't happy? (sometimes difference between depression and personality disorder, both have the potential to be relieved).
Have you ever sat down with her and had a frank conversation about how you feel about your marriage?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are describing a seriously functioning depressed person (IMO). You can't fix her or make her go to a doctor. You are also very co-dependent on her. This will make it very hard for you to leave her.

I think if you are this miserable, you may want to try counseling before ending your marriage.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

This is very good advice and I appreciate it, and I appreciate all the time you all have taken to reply.



manynewmoons said:


> You must leave. It is senseless to stay. In fact, she will thank you for it. She needs to reassert her womanhood. Her sexuality. You need to do the same for yourself. If not, you both will go your entire lives worrying about hurting the other. There is no way she is happy--she is secure and settled. You both have numbed yourself to the other. Before you waste any more time, go out and be the lively, affectionate man you speak of. There are plenty of women that need to be coddled and love sex. As for her, she will find her way. It's your life and you will end up resenting her if this persists.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

I appreciate your reply. Let's not turn this on me and assume I am co-dependent. I am not. I rarely see her. I rarely communicate with her. I go away on business all the time and I am not sitting around wondering about her every second of my life. We are roommates. She is a bunch of notches above my college roommate. I was not codependent on him. He had his life. I had mine. My wife has her life. I have mine. I am going to Europe next week for research. If I never came back it would not affect me emotionally. We have no emotional attachment except for the fact that we have known each other for so long. We share nothing but monthly bills and a refrigerator. I do not depend on her for anything. Not friendship. Not sex. Not conversation. Not advice. Not love. Not warmth. Not a smile. 

When people successfully go on diets their tastes change. I've had people tell me they can't even imagine how they ever ate the crap they used to eat. 

When people give up bad habits they sometimes wonder how on earth they ever gave it up.

I have not had sex in so long that I don't really know anything about it anymore. It is not a part of my life. I don't even know if I miss it. I don't think about it. I just stay busy.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

musicaldreams said:


> I appreciate your reply. Let's not turn this on me and assume I am co-dependent. I am not. I rarely see her. I rarely communicate with her. I go away on business all the time and I am not sitting around wondering about her every second of my life. We are roommates. She is a bunch of notches above my college roommate. I was not codependent on him. He had his life. I had mine. My wife has her life. I have mine. I am going to Europe next week for research. If I never came back it would not affect me emotionally. We have no emotional attachment except for the fact that we have known each other for so long. We share nothing but monthly bills and a refrigerator. I do not depend on her for anything. Not friendship. Not sex. Not conversation. Not advice. Not love. Not warmth. Not a smile.
> 
> When people successfully go on diets their tastes change. I've had people tell me they can't even imagine how they ever ate the crap they used to eat.
> 
> ...


If you two are this detached from each other then what's stopping you from pulling the plug on this "marriage" ?

You're wasting the best years of your life. One day you'll wake up, you'll be 70 years old, looking at her and wondering why you stayed with her as long as you did. Don't have regrets about a life not lived. I have a fridge magnet I bought to remind myself of this. "Twenty years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn't do rather than by the things you did."

I don't know how you lasted as long you have. I don't mean about the lack of sex in ten years. I mean the lack of intimacy, conversation, connection, affection, the laughter and jokes. I think the lack of those things would bother me the most.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your wife should get her depression treated. Most antidepressants cause sexual dysfunction, but Wellbutrin actually increases libido. It is being studied as a drug for sex therapy. Women seem to have more sexual fantansies when taking this antidepressant. I know I have taken it. Then I would go into couseling with her. Let her know that you are not happy and tell her if things don't change you are not sure if you can stay.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I still think you should leave, but that doesn't mean I think it's all her fault. Actually I suspect that it's mostly your fault. You probably won't like hearing that, but you're the one who allowed it to go this far. You're the one who didn't enforce marital boundaries. You're the one who dropped the subject at the least objection.
> 
> Look, I know it's mostly your fault because I've been there and I was you. And it was mostly my fault. Figuring that out was the first step to fixing it. In this case it's probably too late. But you'll still need to fix yourself for your next relationship. Or it will eventually Be a repeat.


There is a lot of truth to what WorkingOnMe says here. My gut says he is right when he say that you allowed it to go this far. Take some action and get to a better place in life!


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

My god! I have been living in a sexless marriage for a while but to have absolutely no communication whatsoever as well as no sex and to not not be able to share a good belly laugh or an accomplishment with my husband and that would it for me. I would feel like I,have no hope. I wouldn't want to live with my H if I never saw him smile. That would really bring me down.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Yes, I agree. Not having those things with my wife sucks. Thankfully I have a very full and enriching life otherwise, but that is still a rather lame reply on my part, ins't it? 10 years is a lifetime. I know. It does not sound real. What married man in his 30's should ever have to look in the mirror and say, "I have had sex 4 times in 10 years." Who could say that with a straight face? It sounds crazy. Who can say that? I can. Me. And it is truly incredible. 

I will suggest that she get therapy. She likely will not go. I will suggest that she get medication. She likely will not take any. Hell, she has a cholesterol problem and won't even take anything for that and it is sitting on the kitchen counter! 

I essentially married her mom. I really did. She turned out to be the same person as her mom. 

Her mom never smiles. Her mom is perpetually unhappy. her mom has no friends. Her mom is a wet mop. A drag. A stick in the mud. That is why her dad left her mom. He could not take it anymore. He rented a room in someone's house and lived like a pauper for a long time just so he could escape and move on with his life.

I guess, in many ways, this is good news for me. I'm not going to disappear in the middle of the night. I am not a jerk. She can have everything she needs. I won't leave her in a bad situation. But a new ACT must begin. It must. It has to. I am looking forward to it. 



Coffee Amore said:


> If you two are this detached from each other then what's stopping you from pulling the plug on this "marriage" ?
> 
> You're wasting the best years of your life. One day you'll wake up, you'll be 70 years old, looking at her and wondering why you stayed with her as long as you did. Don't have regrets about a life not lived. I have a fridge magnet I bought to remind myself of this. "Twenty years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn't do rather than by the things you did."
> 
> I don't know how you lasted as long you have. I don't mean about the lack of sex in ten years. I mean the lack of intimacy, conversation, connection, affection, the laughter and jokes. I think the lack of those things would bother me the most.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> I guess, in many ways, this is good news for me. I'm not going to disappear in the middle of the night. I am not a jerk. She can have everything she needs. I won't leave her in a bad situation. But a new ACT must begin. It must. It has to. I am looking forward to it.


Congratulations on stating what you just did above. You deserve so much better than this! It is fantastic to see someone taking action to change their life for the better. :smthumbup:

Aren't you glad you posted your situation on this website?


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> Yes, I agree. Not having those things with my wife sucks. Thankfully I have a very full and enriching life otherwise, but that is still a rather lame reply on my part, ins't it? 10 years is a lifetime. I know. It does not sound real. What married man in his 30's should ever have to look in the mirror and say, "I have had sex 4 times in 10 years." Who could say that with a straight face? It sounds crazy. Who can say that? I can. Me. And it is truly incredible.


You are not alone. I often wondered why my H stayed and chose to be in a sexless marriage and I think you have given me some insight into that. I believe my H has been faithful to me. Without all the psychological issues you are dealing with, we are trying to reconnect. Coming here to this board has been helpful to me as it has given me new perspectives on my situation. As long as my H is making some kind of effort to improve our relationship, I will not threaten to leave him. I realize that it took years to get where we are and it will likely take years to "fix" all the broken pieces. The good news is that we have been to hell and back and we are still together.

I read further down in the thread that as far as sex goes you really don't think about it and in fact you just keep yourself busy. You are my H! I have tried many times over the years to be intimate with my H to be rejected, only to find out years later he was terrified of having another baby. That problem could have been so easily solved several years ago but he instead chose to go sexless. I have never understood that. The man makes no demands of me. We live a very comfortable life and otherwise we are a good team.

Is it just your concern about abandoning her that keeps you in this situation? Like I said before, I just don't know if I could live with a non-communicating person. It's probably a a really good thing that you have a life outside of your marriage. I just think you're in a bad place. If she is not willing to get help, are you prepared to give up a potentially fulfilling life in all aspects? I don 't think I would.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Underneath everything else, if you really want children and she doesn't- you need to leave.


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

You gave it a shot and your not happy,,, Quit worrying what it will do to her,, You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life, Get own with your life and with having kids with someone who will love you and have a physical and emotional relationship with you ,,


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

RUN! LEAVE!

how could you stay?

worry about yourself for once your own mental health you can find another person.


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## kjvonly (Jan 3, 2013)

Aye! And I thought I had it bad!
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/64881-14-year-rut.html


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

wow and my hubby complained about 2 to 3 times a week and even though i never said no i didn't love him cause he had to make the move 90% of the time 

What ?????????????

i need to show him this...
but its too late now cause it wasnt enough sex for him and he paid for it from someone else.... a fact 2 years later im still trying to get over.... we are still together by the way


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> wow and my hubby complained about 2 to 3 times a week and even though i never said no i didn't love him cause he had to make the move 90% of the time
> 
> What ?????????????
> 
> ...


I happen to agree with him. If he's initiating 90% of the time it's pretty clear how you felt about him.


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## kjvonly (Jan 3, 2013)

goodwife4 said:


> wow and my hubby complained about 2 to 3 times a week and even though i never said no i didn't love him cause he had to make the move 90% of the time
> 
> What ?????????????


I happen to agree with Workingonme... Initiation should be somewhere in the 50/50 range. Men need to be wanted and when they don't feel wanted bad things happen.
It's more than just sex... it's the connection, it's wanting to be wanted, it's passion, etc... If those are missing than that's all it is is sex.
While I don't condone getting a hooker you can't honestly be all that surprised.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I understand that you are a kind caring man who doesn't want to hurt another and that is commendable but please do not hurt your self any more by staying in this relationship. You still have a chance at a loving fun, fullfiling relationship and children too.

You really need to move on because it would be far worse if you woke up in 10 years time with the same life. 
Also do t think of it as letting her down, think of it as giving her a chance to reclaim her own life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Would you like to hear something even more pathetic than the fact that I've had sex 4 times in 10 years? Seriously. Do you want to read something even worse?

I agree with all the advice here. I really do. And I know I need to get out of this situation. But just for the heck of it, I wanted to ask my wife if she wanted to try to have children. I have always wanted children and she never has. And now it is getting to closing time for her, so I thought I'd ask. I did once before, and she shot me down.

I did not know how to ask her. We do not speak. We have no communication. Are you ready for this? Last Friday, at 11:00 am, while I was waiting for a meeting to begin, I send her an email and asked her if she can reconsider having children, and I explained all the reasons I wanted children.

It is now Monday at 10:00 P.M. At no time did she mention the email. She never wrote back to me. She never said anything. All weekend. All day today. Nothing. She totally ignored it. She never even acknowledged it. 

Am I the only guy in the world who ever sent an email to his wife to ask her if she wants to have children?

Our anniversary is coming up and I don't even want to be in the same room as her. She does not speak to me. There is no anger. I did nothing wrong. She just does not speak. She has nothing to say. Ever.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> musicaldreams,
> 
> Do you want intimacy and an active sex life?
> 
> ...


*I have no problem with confrontation. I wish there could be a confrontation. There is no arguing with her. I talk to the wall.*


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

curlysue321 said:


> Your wife should get her depression treated. Most antidepressants cause sexual dysfunction, but Wellbutrin actually increases libido. It is being studied as a drug for sex therapy. Women seem to have more sexual fantansies when taking this antidepressant. I know I have taken it. Then I would go into couseling with her. Let her know that you are not happy and tell her if things don't change you are not sure if you can stay.


Honestly, I am not even attracted to her anymore. She reminds me of her ... mother. it really doesn't get much worse than that. Her mom is a disaster of a human being.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I'm probably stating the obvious, but...are you sure she got your email? I'd just flat out ask her...right now...go to her and say, "hey, did you get my email Friday about having kids?" 

She probably did, but because it was an email, it gave her every opportunity to bury her head in the sand. But...If she didn't get it for some reason, then you've just wasted 3 days being angry about it. 

I feel for you, when you feel the only way you can "talk" to her is by email, especially when it's about something important like that. Don't let her get away with it. Ask her to her face if she got it. When she says "yeah" and nothing more (which I predict she will) don't let her off the hook. Keep pressing her to TALK to you. If she won't, you have every right to tell her that if she won't talk to you about something important to you like this, you will assume she has no interest in remaining married to you. When she gives you a blank stare or tries to look past you to watch the Golden Girls, start packing your bags.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

abitlost said:


> just wondering how old is she?
> 
> *mid-30's.*
> 
> ...


*We do not communicate. I have tried to speak to her a few times and she starts crying, and she clams up even more. You never seen anything like it. Her mouth gets tight. She will not speak. And a flood comes out of her eyes. There is no conversation. Then she goes to the bedroom and goes to sleep. That's how it's always been. I stopped bothering a long time ago.*


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> I'm probably stating the obvious, but...are you sure she got your email? I'd just flat out ask her...right now...go to her and say, "hey, did you get my email Friday about having kids?"
> 
> *I am going to do that. Imagine a man having to actually say the words above to his wife. How can I even get those words out of my mouth? It's like a scene out of a Woody Allen film. "Hey, did you get my email Friday about having kids?" *
> 
> ...


*I agree. I will do that when she gets home from work tomorrow, and will post here how it goes.*


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> I agree. I will do that when she gets home from work tomorrow, and will post here how it goes.


Her behavior is so infuriating, even _I_ want to shake her, and I don't even know her! :banghead: 
You must feel like you live in the Twilight Zone with her. Good luck...can't wait to read what happens.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I happen to agree with him. If he's initiating 90% of the time it's pretty clear how you felt about him.


by the way did i mention i had 3 kids under 4 ... so SOOOOOOORRRRRYYYYYYY for being tired a bit and maybe only having the energy to initiate it 1 x fortnight or so .......

you know its not that he wasnt wanted and i touched him all the time, hugs, back scratch, these were important to him also............ seriously there is more to life than just SEX SEX SEX ??!!


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

The Twilight one is an excellent example. Maybe I am living with a alien who is studying me. I am not exactly the typical human specimen, but perhaps an alien took over her body because it knew it would not get a fight from her.

Of course the Twilight one was fictional. My life is more like One Step Beyond (1959-1961) that depicted actual people and events. 

Either way, both shows are more believable than my situation. None of this seems real. She's sleeping now. I should go check and see if she has an extra eyeball! (Will the real Martian Please Stand Up? Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up? - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Have you seen a lawyer?

You need to make concrete plans to leave before your life is wasted away.

Do not feel guilty, you have tried for many years.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I loved the Twilight Zone. It aired before I was born, but I used to watch repeats of it on one of the cable channels. Will The Real Martian Standup? is good, so is Time Enough. That was my fear as a child. I would finally have all the time to read the books I wanted, but I'd misplace my contacts or glasses. 

You need to make some plans about your future.

You can delay, but you're only delaying the inevitable. What you call a marriage isn't a marriage. Heck, it's not even a good roommate situation! At least roommates have communication.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I loved the Twilight Zone. It aired before I was born, but I used to watch repeats of it on one of the cable channels.


*One thing that always fascinated me is when couples break up or get divorced, how one or both can become monsters, with all sorts of demands, and crazy behaviors. It speaks volumes about humanity. Some people can turn on you at the drop of a hat. Thankfully, she does not have the energy or interest to turn on me. There is nothing to do anyway. I am very happy to make sure she has everything she needs to be comfortable. Charity starts at home. If a friend from high school needed help, I would help. I feel like I went on a weekend trip 10+ years ago with a girl I liked, but the bus broke down, and we've been stuck in a log cabin ever since. I don't know about her, but I just want to get back to civilization and talk to people again. *

[/QUOTE] You can delay, but you're only delaying the inevitable. What you call a marriage isn't a marriage. Heck, it's not even a good roommate situation! At least roommates have communication.[/QUOTE]

*That is true. In fact, my college roommate was a cool gay man, and he really liked me! He used to purposely walk in on me while I was taking a shower so he could see me nude. He used to walk into the room while I was getting dressed. Same reason. So, you are right. I don't even have a good roommate. My last one was dying to drag me into bed! 
*


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## donkey_punch (Jan 15, 2013)

WHOAA! Someone make a movie tittled the curious case of the sexless couple.
Don't tell us you spent all that time masturbating. You should consider getting into a monastery...
OK, enough jokes, if you lasted this long and you seem to have no problems with it, then continue. Not everyone is made to have sex, some religions even have sex just for reproduction.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Actually, many monks and nuns had quite a bit of sex. Tunnels have been found under ground, that connected them, and it was well-known that they would run down there, meet in the middle, and screw like crazy.

Most people think the true story of Abelard and Heloise was a love story, but it was not really that at all. He was an *******. He was in his 40's, I think, and he was nailing Heloise like there was no tomorrow. She was his student and a teenager. He told her anything he wanted to hear and got her pregnant. The only reason he put her in a monastery is because her uncle's thugs had Abelard's balls cut off, and more, I assume, and he did not want anyone else to have her. 

So, here are two of the most famous monastics in the world, and they could not keep their hands off of one another. After castration, he did not have to deal with sex ever again, but this por, lonely, brilliant, sensual, romantic, sexual woman was trapped for the rest of her life, where, it is easy to assume, she hooked up with other nuns and whatever smooth piece of wood she kept near her bed.

The point? Sex is part of being human. It is instinctual. Even Monks have "wet dreams" though they might not be dreaming of the Virgin Mary in lingerie.

There are countless reasons why people don't have sex with another person. But everyone should at least acknowledge that there is a certain level of cruelty in ignoring, or avoiding, or denying sex to someone who you either love, or who loves you, and is unable or unwilling to get it elsewhere. It is an upsetting situation, and maybe the person who treats their husband or wife the way mine has treated me should be the one to leave. Why should we be put in this position? If someone has so little to offer their spouse, and won't make any efforts whatsoever to contribute to his or her happiness, then maybe that person should have te backbone to open the cage door and let the person free.

Instead, people like me are stuck here. Unhappy. Confused. Missing out on romance, and passion, and everything else that makes a life and a relationship meaningful and treasured. and atop of all that, people like me are racked with guilt. Yeah, guilt. We don't want to hurt the other person, so we stay miserable. and if (and when) we leave, the guilt will follow. 

Does this make sense? No. Of course not. But that's the way it is. At least for me. I have nothing to stay for. Nothing. We have nothing except that we've known each other for a long time. Beyond that, we have silence.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Her behavior is so infuriating, even _I_ want to shake her, and I don't even know her! :banghead:
> You must feel like you live in the Twilight Zone with her. Good luck...can't wait to read what happens.


I am not sure if you want to now what happened. You might vomit. It is bad.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> I am not sure if you want to now what happened. You might vomit. It is bad.


I have my vomit bag ready...TELL US WHAT HAPPENED!!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

it can't be THAT bad....tell us


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes, please tell us. I am wanting to learn from you and your situation.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Well, maybe it won't sound as bad in writing as it did when it happened. She told me that I was "going through a mid-life crisis." I just looked at her. 

How many guys in their 30's have a mid-life crises? I guess it happens. But I am not changing a thing in my life. I have not gotten a tattoo. I have not bought a Corvette. I have not been listening to Belle & Sebastian. I have not been going to bars, trying to pick up 20 year old college students. I have not bought a lava lamp for my office.

I told her I've been mentioning this on and off since we met. She just sort of laughed and said again that I was going through a mid-life crisis and then she said, "it's getting worse."

That was that. There was nothing left to say. Especially since the fact that I mentioned last month that I want to go Skydiving in January would be dragged into the conversation, and used as ammunition to support her argument. She went in the other room to watch "Heart of Dixie" whatever the hell that is. 

I was glad she left the room. I needed to look into plane reservations anyway. Skydiving in Mass. in January isn't the sort of thing I am particularly interested in. Then again, neither is living in a sexless marriage with a wife who does not communicate with me, and laughs at things I want to do, and treats me like I am an idiot.

I suppose there is a huge and mysterious list of "symptoms" of a mid-life crisis, but I don't think finally getting around to doing things one has always wanted anyway, and finally found the opportunity to do them, or having children, are on it.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

It sounds like she is not willing to change or even admit that there is a problem.
It is time to leave, unless you want to live the rest of your life like that.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

musicaldreams said:


> We have never had sex in any of the apartments or homes we lived in. Only hotels.
> 
> 4 times in 10 years!


Why not stay in a hotel room every weekend?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like she is using the mid life crisis as an excuse not to have sex or even admit she is the problem.

You are not going through a mid life crisis. Guys at my shop are in their 30's and 40's, married, kids and none of them do anything crazy. Some dirt bike, fishing, snow boarding, camping, parties, etc. I'm 39 and I've never had a mid life crisis either but I do have a healthy high sex drive which my wife doesn't want to deal with or make the effort, just like yours.

See how she'd react if you said you wanted a divorce.

Sometimes that's all it takes to get the other half to stop and think and finally change, for the better of the marriage.

Sad how she uses the mid life crisis crutch to get out of her dealing with her low sex drive and obvious issues she's not communicating with you.

Myself, I will start weight training at the gym and not at home and get out more, meet people.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Hey, it just hit me. If I walked away from this situation then she would simply tell people that it was because if my "mid-life crisis." She doesn't have the personality to turn on my and become some crazy liar and lunatic, like some people do when they break-up, but the "mid-life crisis" would certainly work, and it would make her feel better about the whole situation because she would not have to take any of the blame.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

*Ah... b*ll**** .....hem*


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

The only benefit that can possibly come out of my situation is if it can possibly help others, and I can answer any questions that might give you (especially wives) some perspective of things from my side of the table. 

Isn't anyone curious why I don't put up ads on Craig's List to find women for casual flings, or for handjobs, etc?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> Isn't anyone curious why I don't put up ads on Craig's List to find women for casual flings, or for handjobs, etc?


I thought about asking, but changed my mind because I thought I was harsh enough on you.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> I thought about asking, but changed my because I thought I was harsh enough on you.


You've been harsh on me? When? I did not notice. Seriously. Things bounce right off of me. You could shoot apples off of my head. I would not flinch.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> Hey, it just hit me. If I walked away from this situation then she would simply tell people that it was because if my "mid-life crisis." She doesn't have the personality to turn on my and become some crazy liar and lunatic, like some people do when they break-up, but the "mid-life crisis" would certainly work, and it would make her feel better about the whole situation because she would not have to take any of the blame.


Really, thats what you care about now, "blame"? You have bigger problems bud. Deal with those.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> The only benefit that can possibly come out of my situation is if it can possibly help others, and I can answer any questions that might give you (especially wives) some perspective of things from my side of the table.
> 
> Isn't anyone curious why I don't put up ads on Craig's List to find women for casual flings, or for handjobs, etc?


Cause you have a woman on the side?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> You've been harsh on me? When? I did not notice. Seriously. Things bounce right off of me. You could shoot apples off of my head. I would not flinch.


Good. Now that you've posted much more since I answered your thread, I see you have a good attitude about the hand you've been dealt. 

So tell us how do you do it?


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> So tell us how do you do it?


Well, for starters, I am surrounded by colleges. I know my share of incredibly attractive, smart, but broke female college students who have told me some of the things they have done for $25. Interestingly, they also tell me they would have done it for no money, but they do ask, and they do get it. A Grad Student I know told me last week that she was asked out on a date, She said he can just give her the money he would have spent on dinner and they could go straight to his place. She told me they would have ended up there anyway, and she wasn't interested in dinner, so, that was that. 

If anyone thinks the "marriage vow" is what keeps me from paying a girl then you are confusing me with someone else. Is it important for me to keep my word when I give my word to someone? Of course it is. I'm not exactly John Proctor, but when I give my word to someone, the circumstances would have to be extraordinary to break it.

That being said, if I said "my marriage vows" then I simply can't see how that would help anyone here who might be interested in my story, that can possibly the most incredible example some have ever heard. I mean, the last time I had sex was June 23, 2011. 

Anyway, I have been in plenty of situations that I could have easily taken advantage of. But I always walk away. Always. I am not sure how many other guys could have. Maybe a lot. Maybe not. I don't know.

I will tell my reasons in a minute, but I hope that this does not "encourage" others to behave like my wife in hopes that their spouse is in anyway like me. No one should count on him or her to share my mode of thinking. 

Reason #1. I gave my word to someone. That means something to me.

Reason #2. I have had bad experiences with people that have given me very severe trust issues. Not just me, but friends and family of mine, too. It is not easy to know how or what people really think. I would never want to be in a position where someone else can feel like they have something over me. For starters, I don't want or need someone showing up at my office or home, thinking that we are something that we are not, or that she can blackmail me in some way. We all know this happens. People get themselves in bad situations all the time. I don't want to be in a bad situation. Does anyone? Even if it anonymous, and I hooked up with a female in another city, I just don't trust that things will go smoothly. I expect the worst because I have seen it happen. So I restrain myself out of fear of that sort of thing happening. 

Reason #3. Despite my wife's lack of interest in sex, passion, warmth, and interest in the fact that she and her husband don't have sex and that se does not communicate with me, I simply don't have it in me to harm her in such a way. I've had ex-girlfriends cheat on me. Not even for good reasons. Not for love. I think I could have dealt with that better. But just for sex. Except for one ex I had who cheated on me with a guy who she thought was incredibly wealthy and would give her an amazing life. She left me. Got in her car and went to where he lived. I soon found out that he was 28 years old and living with his anti-Semitic parents in Pennsylvania. Anyway, I know how I felt. I could not do that to someone else. 

Maybe I'm just not that smart. I could probably have had the greatest sex life this entire time! I've certainly had plenty of chances. In fact, I do all the time. But I simply don't trust a lot of people to let me walk away and not freak out on me. 

I know a lot of people (especially religious folks) think the marriage vow should be enough, but it simply isn't Living in a sexless marriage is tough. And it's not just abut sex. Sex is easy to get. And even it was't, there are few things in life easier than masturbating. So it's not just that. It is not easy to feel this way. It's not easy to go to sleep every night and wonder ... what if ...? What if things were different? What if I was with someone else? What if I smiled back at that girl? What if I went home with her? What if I stay? What if I leave? What if things stay the same? What if things change? What if ...?

Life is difficult enough. Relationships can be tough enough. I don't want or need a sexless marriage. You don't want or need one either. No one wants or needs what I have.

So, how have I dealt with this for 10 years? I guess I don't really know. Day by Day. Week by Week. Year by Year. And if I don't do something about it, then it will be Decade by Decade.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Days become months, months becomes years, one year becomes three, three years become ten, before you know it, a life time has passed. 

I commend your loyalty to your vows. Too bad your wife doesn't feel the same about her's. You also worry about how she would be crushed if you left, yet she crushes you every day. I, like most on this site, am pro-marriage, but not to all exceptions. The long term refusal by her to even recognize the torture your going through is enough for me to say no one could blame you, if you left. Remember only you are responsible for you happiness.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain

Enjoy your jump!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Have you read NMMNG? 

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> I'll take a stab at "armchair psychology" and say she has a major personality disorder. Possibly Schiziod Personality Disorder or Avoidant Personality Disorder.
> 
> Here's a link to articles describing them. Your wife seems to fit into both of these, but favors the Schizoid type from the info you gave.
> 
> ...


Ya when I was reading about his wife Schizoid Personality Disorder came to mind. Especially seeing how it sounds like her mother has the same condition.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Have you read NMMNG?
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy


Thanks for the link. At first blush, I thought NMMNG was on a sushi menu.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Ya when I was reading about his wife Schizoid Personality Disorder came to mind. Especially seeing how it sounds like her mother has the same condition.


*She and her mother share many personality traits. However, my wife thinks her mom is this way because she is not smart and incredibly unattractive and has really bad teeth, so she does not smile. 

My wife has a lot of trouble making decisions. she calls me a dozen times while shopping to ask if she should buy this or that.

My wife, on the other hand, has always been very pretty. And I don't mean that as a husband thinking his wife is attractive, my wife is pretty. She is no genius, but she does take care of her teeth. She calls me from stores to ask if she should uy this sweater or that sweater? This coat or that coat? These gloves or those gloves? She can't make decisions. Or maybe she just wants me to make all of them, so she can blame me if it does not work out.

Incidentally, in case you are wondering what kind of man would marry her unattractive and depressing mother .... well, he left her about 12 years ago. How come? He admitted he was gay. He has been in a happy and healthy relationship with the same man ever since.*


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Has she ever seen a therapist?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Oddly enough I have known a couple who did not have sex on their honeymoon. It took them months into the marriage before they ever had sex. Don't understand that one bit.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Days become months, months becomes years, one year becomes three, three years become ten, before you know it, a life time has passed.
> 
> I commend your loyalty to your vows. Too bad your wife doesn't feel the same about her's. You also worry about how she would be crushed if you left, yet she crushes you every day. I, like most on this site, am pro-marriage, but not to all exceptions. The long term refusal by her to even recognize the torture your going through is enough for me to say no one could blame you, if you left. Remember only you are responsible for you happiness.
> 
> ...


You said pretty much the same thing to the OP that I did a few days earlier right down to the same exact quote. Great minds think alike...:rofl:




Coffee Amore said:


> If you two are this detached from each other then what's stopping you from pulling the plug on this "marriage" ?
> 
> You're wasting the best years of your life. One day you'll wake up, you'll be 70 years old, looking at her and wondering why you stayed with her as long as you did. Don't have regrets about a life not lived. I have a fridge magnet I bought to remind myself of this. "Twenty years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn't do rather than by the things you did."
> 
> I don't know how you lasted as long you have. I don't mean about the lack of sex in ten years. I mean the lack of intimacy, conversation, connection, affection, the laughter and jokes. I think the lack of those things would bother me the most.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> I am not kidding about this. In fact, I think it might even be 3 times.
> 
> When we met, she was 18 and I was 21. She was a virgin. We had sex all the time. Then I went away to college and we sort of lost touch. We got back together a few years later. We lived together for 4-5 years and has sex quite a bit in the beginning but then she started losing a lot of interest.
> 
> ...



This woman is empty..._*with you*_. You might be surprised how alive she becomes with another man.

You married the wrong woman, and she married the wrong man.

Get out.


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## landon33 (Jul 13, 2012)

In the same way you don't understand her, I don't understand how you could get by with only having sex 4 times in 10 years!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

musicaldreams said:


> Well, for starters, I am surrounded by colleges. I know my share of incredibly attractive, smart, but broke female college students who have told me some of the things they have done for $25. Interestingly, they also tell me they would have done it for no money, but they do ask, and they do get it. A Grad Student I know told me last week that she was asked out on a date, She said he can just give her the money he would have spent on dinner and they could go straight to his place. She told me they would have ended up there anyway, and she wasn't interested in dinner, so, that was that.
> 
> If anyone thinks the "marriage vow" is what keeps me from paying a girl then you are confusing me with someone else. Is it important for me to keep my word when I give my word to someone? Of course it is. I'm not exactly John Proctor, but when I give my word to someone, the circumstances would have to be extraordinary to break it.
> 
> ...


All you did here was provide some insight into your own dysfunctions, and provide clues as to what has gone wrong inside of you that you have allowed, and continue to allow, such a nightmare situation to continue in your life.


Your wife is who she is. She was that way prior to marrying you. Her mother is that way, so you had some clue as to the potential. You went in with all cards on the table. Yet you still married her. This isn't even a bait and switch situation.

You no longer need to worry about your wife. If she ever wants to change, that's on her. She isn't the one here on TAM, lamenting. She seems to be perfectly fine with your "arrangement"; I will not dignify this farce by calling it a marriage.

You need to be asking yourself "what the hell is wrong with me that I allowed my life to get here". It's a tough question, one I have had to ask myself (thankfully not in reference to my marriage). But it's necessary.

Because, at this point, she is not your problem. You are your problem. You haven't stayed these years for her, but for yourself. The question is, why?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jaquen said:


> All you did here was provide some insight into your own dysfunctions, and provide clues as to what has gone wrong inside of you that you have allowed, and continue to allow, such a nightmare situation to continue in your life.
> 
> 
> Your wife is who she is. She was that way prior to marrying you. Her mother is that way, so you had some clue as to the potential. You went in with all cards on the table. Yet you still married her. This isn't even a bait and switch situation.
> ...


Agree.

I'm sticking with co-dependent. Like the person who stay with the alcholic for 10 years & is miserable - co-dependent.

"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Read the above. You have stayed in an "emotionally destructive" relationship for 10 years & still have no plans to leave.

SOMETHING is keeping you there & it's not your vows. She's not holding a gun to your head or threatening to destroy your life if you leave her. Hell, she doesn't even speak according to you!

I mean no disrespect. I was a codie for 22 yrs. in my 1st marriage. I BLAMED my exhusband for EVERYTHING like you are blaming your wife for your dysfunctional marriage. It was all his fault but I was wrong. It was my PROBLEM for putting up with it. I was not a poor "victim" I was a volunteer.

Read "Co-Dependent No More" - it may help.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I second the book suggestion Codependent No More. I read it recently and found it to be amazingly accurate as far as describing the thoughts and motivations that I've had subconsciously throughout my marriage. Even though it's written primarily about being codependent with an alcoholic spouse, the wisdom it provides can be applied to any codependent situation.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Sorry I've been out of touch. Wow, it's been a long time. I did go Skydiving. It was such an unusual experience that there really was no way to be terrified. It all was so matter-of-fact, and happened so quick, that it really was like a dream while it was all happening. If I had not videotaped it, it would be difficult to be assured that it actually did happen. It truly was beyond comparing to anything else.

In reference to my relationship, I have not left yet. I plan to. My wife knows it. At this point it is just a matter of finding a place, organizing finances, and leaving. My wife's mother recently died and the situation was so horrifying that for me to pick and leave during the parade of horribles would have been cruel to her and people I've known for a long time. There also was no window of opportunity.

I appreciate the comments suggesting that this is a "co-dependent" relationship, but I simply don't feel that is correct. Yes, I would have liked to have has a loving, and sensual, and sexual, and cheerful, and wonderful relationship for the last 10 years. Who on earth wouldn't? But the reason I did not leave was not because I was dependent, or co-dependent upon her. After all, what did she ever give me that I wanted or needed? We aren't even friends. I don't care if I don't talk to her. There is no relationship. She is a roommate who I go out to eat with once and awhile. She does not depend on me for anything. I don't depend on her for anything. 

So, am I lazy? Not at all. I guess I just didn't care enough to do anything about it. I guess I never sat around daydreaming about "what could be." Maybe I should have. Either way, I am doing that now. 

I want children. I think I would be a great parent. I think kids would be happy to have a dad like me. My wife does not want any at all and will never change her mind. I am not walking away from anything.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Good to hear from you! I was wondering about you. Sorry to hear about your MIL. 

I think you are making the right decision to leave. It sounds like being married to her adds absolutely no value to your life. You're getting none of the "exclusive benefits" marriage is supposed to offer: an intimate, sexual relationship, a person to make babies with, mutual support and companionship, etc. 

How does she feel about your plans to leave?


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Right now she is still so traumatized by the death of her mother, that things are in a sort of in a holding pattern now. We don't talk about my leaving. But when we actually sat down, face-to-face, and she told me she read my email about her getting pregnant (yes! I actually had to email her my thoughts on that because we don't really speak) and she said she will not have children, then it just really sank into me once and for all that this is the end of the line.

I believe awhile back I mentioned that she was beginning to look like her mother, and that her mother was not attractive, and that likely contributed to my not being attracted to her anymore. Well, not it is really worse than it could ever be since I was in the room when they took her off life support. It was a horrible situation to be in. I was between my wife and the monitor, and across the bed was my MIL's boyfriend, and at the foot of the bed was my wife's dad. It took about 20 minutes for her to flatline. Had that not been done, the Doctors said she would be dead within 3 days anyway because of the swelling in her brain. She was just laying there with her mouth opened, and her head to the side, and she looked like she was sleeping. Last week my wife fell asleep on the couch, and the room had about the same amount of light as the ICU room, and I looked at her and she was laying just like her mom, with her mouth open, and it scared the hell out of me. On top of everything else, I did not need to see that.

I have mentioned in the past that my wife seems to have a layer of depression hanging over her, which I know she inherited from her mother, and she knows this, and yet still has done nothing about it. She does not even seem willing to do anything about this now even though the Doctor told us that her mother seemed to have stopped taking her Diabetes medicine about a month before ending up in the emergency room. Her boyfriend confirmed that she had not checked her levels in a month (I think there is a "tester" for that sort of thing). Her body was so totally destroyed that when I spoke to the Doctor about donating her organs, etc. I was told that they reviewed er while she was in the hospital and they turned down everything. Kidney failure. Lung failure. Her eyes were destroyed. Brain damage. I thought they could at least take the skin, but they wanted nothing. 

I NEVER heard her mother laugh. I NEVER saw her mom smile. Ever.

I rarely see my wife smile. I rarely hear her laugh. When she does, it is is response to some idiotic tv show, or while talking to her friend she has known since she was 14.

Anyway, losing one of our favorite cats, and her losing her mother has made things chaotic. She is an only child. It was up to her (and me) to go through her mother's possessions. She was a hoarder. Her boyfriend was always forbidden to touch anything, so he did not know what to do. I don't even want to begin telling you how much time and energy I had to spend putting things in trash cans. She held on to everything. Seriously. My wife found halloween makeup from 30+ years ago. Candy, too. And 27 huge rubber bins of cheap stuffed animals!

What the hell kind of family did I marry in to? Man, I really screwed up. Yes, she was nice, and sweet, and honest, and pleasant when I met her, but it was the sex that drew me in. Well, what good did it do me ... or her ... since we don't even have that anymore?


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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