# Am I wrong?



## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and for the last 6 or 7, she's just not been into sex. In the beginning we had a great sex life but it didn't last many years. I'm now 49 an she's 48. When it started I assumed her lack of sex drive was the menopausal issue and tried to be an understanding husband. During the first of the dry spell - read first 3 years - we had sex maybe once or twice a year. Lately its been better, more like once a month if I'm lucky but usually it's every other month or so. Even when she does give in, I can tell she isn't really into it and it kills the mood for me. I still want sex and, as she doesn't help me out, I've taken to looking at porn form time to time and taking care of myself. Now the wife is mad because I'm looking at porn. I tell her I'd rather have sex with her but she says that's beside the point. She's still mad and now accusing me of having a porn addiction. Really? Am I wrong for looking at porn and taking care of myself when the wife won't? At least I'm not out having an affair.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell her she has a choice. She can either meet your sexual needs as a wife should, or understand that if she refuses to, you will look at porn. Tell her to let you know by the end of the day what she chooses.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Have your wife get a full physical work up. You should get one, too, so it seems you are not picking on her. Marriage counseling might help as well.

Is it possible she is having an affair?

IamSombody


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If your wife is willing to work through the issue with you, then I'd say you're better served putting the porn on the back burner if she's uncomfortable with it.

If your wife is content with the way things are, I'd say you need to stop having sex with her completely. At that point, she really doesn't have any say in what you do with your own body. The sex you're having is likely unsatisfactory when it happens. Why do that to yourself?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

And when all the other suggestions don't work, divorce her. You'll be much happier, and free to pursue a healthy sex life in a healthy, loving relationship.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Harley Rider said:


> My wife and I have been together for 11 years and for the last 6 or 7, she's just not been into sex. In the beginning we had a great sex life but it didn't last many years. I'm now 49 an she's 48. When it started I assumed her lack of sex drive was the menopausal issue and tried to be an understanding husband. During the first of the dry spell - read first 3 years - we had sex maybe once or twice a year. Lately its been better, more like once a month if I'm lucky but usually it's every other month or so. Even when she does give in, I can tell she isn't really into it and it kills the mood for me. I still want sex and, as she doesn't help me out, I've taken to looking at porn form time to time and taking care of myself. Now the wife is mad because I'm looking at porn. I tell her I'd rather have sex with her but she says that's beside the point. She's still mad and now accusing me of having a porn addiction. Really? Am I wrong for looking at porn and taking care of myself when the wife won't? At least I'm not out having an affair.


How is your relationship otherwise?

How is your health? Hers?

How often do you watch Porn? 

How often do you initiate sex? How do you do it?


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

IamSomebody -I have, several times over the years, tried to get her to do marriage counseling. Every time she agrees to start with but refuses to go on the day of the appointment. She's had numerous blood work ups over the years, among other stuff, and her gynecologist has prescribed her different meds and even testosterone but she wont take the stuff and I've give up trying to convince her to. I don't really think an affair is the issue either. Never seen any sign of that. I think, for some reason, she just stopped wanting to have sex. I could see it if I had gained 100 lbs or something, but I'm the same size and weight i was when we married. Even more than the lack of sexual interest, she has no interest in intimacy at all - ie, snuggling in bed on a Sunday morning, hugging, me laying on couch with her and putting my head in her lap. Nothing. I mean I'm beginning to wonder if she loves me at all any more. Plus I'm an affectionate kind of guy. I like that crap. Well, thanks for the input. I was just wanting to check myself.


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

MarriedDude - The lack of sex has always been a problem and, to be honest, it causes other issues. I get aggravated at being turned down for the 5 time in a row and, sorry, I'm not in a great mood. She kinda goes her way and me mine. Different rooms and such. Other than crap like that, we do alright. No money issues or kid issues. 

Other than the usual late 40's aches and pains, both our heath's are good. 

I suppose I watch porn about once a week or so - when I see we aren't going to have sex any time soon and I'm feeling frisky. I don't think that's out of line. Don't know. Maybe it is.

I try to initiate sex a few times a week but, to be honest, I seem to be doing it less and less because it's a big ego killer to always be turned down. Not very macho to say that but it's true. As far as how I try - everything - date nights, vacations, sper of the moment road trips on the Harley, flowers, gifts, house work, yard work, garden she wanted, everything I could think of or read about. Nothing seemed to make any difference.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Basically you two are roommates. If you have made very attempt to sort out the issue with no resolve then you accept it or move on. As far as the "porn addiction" your W is peddling...it is her way of taking attention away from her problem.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think you are wrong at all. I can't say for sure, but I don't think I would stay in a marriage like yours. You have a partner who discounts something that is vital to you. Either she has a physical issue or is simply just projecting her disinterest onto you. If it's physical, it sounds like she refuses treatment. If she is simply not interested & thinks you shouldn't be either, then that seems selfish and insensitive to me.

In your shoes, I would be considering leaving the marriage. Are you?


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

Yeswecan - That's exactly what I told the wife when she accused me of the "porn addiction". Glad to see someone else thinks that.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

when the sex ain't workin' it often means other aspects of the relationship ain't workin' either. what are the positive aspects of the marriage? start there and try to work out the negative stuff a step at a time. if there is nothin' positive, that begs the question of why are you still together.


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

alte Dame - I have considered it many times. I love her but I think about it more and more. I think to myself at times, "Is this how I want to live the rest of my life?" I want her to change, be the woman I married, but see no evidence of it happening. It's odd that I live in a home with a woman and feel so alone most of the time. I know sex is not the end all in a marriage, but it cannot be discounted as unimportant. Well, not to me. I don't feel as close to my wife as I used to be. I miss that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No, you're not wrong for wanting to have sex with your wife, and you certainly don't have a porn addiction.

How are things generally in your marriage? Do you spend time together? Go on dates? Socialise? Do you enjoy each others company? These things are all important to consider. If something isn't right in the marriage, the sex will suffer without a doubt. Are you meeting her needs outside the bedroom? I'm not saying you're not, just asking the question. Could she have resentment caused by other issues we're not aware of?


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

frusdil - I can't speak for the wife, but I believe I've always taken care of my side of the marriage. We do things together - date nights, weekend trips (just got back from a 4 day motorcycle ride to the dragons tail in TN - no sex on the whole trip), we exercise together (walking) from time to time when she will, we work a garden together (I grow it, we both pick it and she cans), we watch TV together when things aren't so tense over not having sex (that's mostly me being ill because I've been turned down again), etc. Seems to me, in most respects, we have a good relationship. Just no sex. Well, not enough for me. I'll soon be 50. I'm not dead. I'm in good physical shape. I'd like to have sex more than once a month. I just don't think that's out of line. I could have a woman on the side - and I've thought about that - but that's not me and, besides, I want my wife. I love and want her. Maybe there's no good solution to my problem. Thanks all.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Ignore the feminist insults blaming you for this problem.

Sex is an important part of bonding to your mate. No sex, no bonding. 

Sounds to me like your roommate has disengaged, and only puts out when absolutely necessary to keep you "on the hook". 

Porn is a threat to her because you servicing yourself means you're going to detach from her, and her gravy-train of being able to relax and sleep all day at home while you bust your ass.

Divorce her and let your ex get herself a cat to watch TV, take walks, and pick food from her garden with. Meanwhile you can get yourself a nice hot woman who loves to make your head pop off and chaffs your penis from extensive use.

You also need to read NMMNG and TMMSLP.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Harley Rider said:


> IamSomebody -I have, several times over the years, tried to get her to do marriage counseling. Every time she agrees to start with but refuses to go on the day of the appointment. She's had numerous blood work ups over the years, among other stuff, and her gynecologist has prescribed her different meds and even testosterone but she wont take the stuff and I've give up trying to convince her to. I don't really think an affair is the issue either. Never seen any sign of that. I think, for some reason, she just stopped wanting to have sex. I could see it if I had gained 100 lbs or something, but I'm the same size and weight i was when we married. Even more than the lack of sexual interest, she has no interest in intimacy at all - ie, snuggling in bed on a Sunday morning, hugging, me laying on couch with her and putting my head in her lap. Nothing. I mean I'm beginning to wonder if she loves me at all any more. Plus I'm an affectionate kind of guy. I like that crap. Well, thanks for the input. I was just wanting to check myself.


As a lot of other posters have said, a decline in sex is usually a symptom of other problems in the marriage (unless there's a clear medical reason for loss of libido). From your perspective, you may think everything else is fine, but maybe from her perspective it isn't. But... if that's the case, I'm surprised she refused to go the MC.

I think you need to draw the line with her, and have the serious discussion with her. (Other TAMers may have good suggestions of how to go about this, as when I did it myself with my XH, I did it horribly.) She changed up the terms on you after you were married, without your consent. You'll have to make it clear to her that this situation is unacceptable, and that if things don't change, you can't stay in this marriage. But if you do that--you have to be ready to walk out that door. If it's bad enough, I think that you are.

I know that you love her and you want to be with her--but you need to love yourself, too.

(And, FWIW, porn use once a week when your partner refuses you sex is NOT porn addiction. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of other people on TAM who have been in the same boat, yours truly included. Your wife is throwing that in as a red herring to shift the blame from herself to you.)


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

Thanks for the advice people. Here's my problem FeministInPink - if I, so called, "forced" my wife into having sex more often or threatened to leave her if she didn't, it wouldn't be the same. I don't know about other guys out there, but if a woman isn't into having sex with me, I'm not going to be into the deed either. I can, and have, looked at her face during sex and it was obvious she wasn't into it. come on - you can tell. I've gotten up and walked off on many occasions before either of us finished. I just can't do it. It's a mess. Promise. Then she's all, "I don't get it. You wanted sex but then you just get up and walk out." Like she doesn't understand it ant just a physical thing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She doesn't get it. She may never get it. She isn't empathizing at all, in my opinion. She is comfortable; she has what she needs for comfort. You are a big part of that, but your part is providing comfort. Since you need sex, she will do it occasionally - even though it is distasteful to her - in order to keep you quiet and providing.

You may love her, but I don't think she is *seeing* you, She isn't coming out of herself to love you in an unselfish way.

One thing I will tell you from experience with my own life and literally almost all of my friends:

Life doesn't end when you get older. Your heart can still be joyous and can still be broken. What changes is your willingness to just live on someone else's terms, especially if the terms are selfish ones that hurt you and beat you down emotionally. If you keep accepting this because you 'love her,' you will reach 60 and decide that you have had enough and you will take steps to liberate yourself.

I'm not saying that you should divorce. I'm saying that you can draw a line in the sand with her and try your best to wake her up before it is too late. If it's a physical problem, she can pursue treatment. She should be doing this in any case - your happiness should mean enough to her to have her beating down the doctor's door.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Harley Rider said:


> Thanks for the advice people. Here's my problem FeministInPink - if I, so called, "forced" my wife into having sex more often or threatened to leave her if she didn't, it wouldn't be the same. I don't know about other guys out there, but if a woman isn't into having sex with me, I'm not going to be into the deed either. I can, and have, looked at her face during sex and it was obvious she wasn't into it. come on - you can tell. I've gotten up and walked off on many occasions before either of us finished. I just can't do it. It's a mess. Promise. Then she's all, "I don't get it. You wanted sex but then you just get up and walk out." Like she doesn't understand it ant just a physical thing.


I'm not suggesting that you force her to have sex, or that you say, "Have sex with me or I'm leaving." Not at all!

But she did change up the rules, and she's depriving you of intimacy, which is unacceptable in what is the most intimate of relationships. The relationship is broken, and you both need to contribute to fix it. Fix what's broken, and the sex will come back. Bringing back the sex is part of fixing it, but restoring her libido and her active participation is a big part of it as well.

If she's not willing to work on it... if she's not willing to go to counseling, and actually do the work? Then you walk.

You're not threatening to walk unless she gives you sex. You're threatening to walk if she doesn't pull her weight in fixing what is broken. There's a big difference.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

alte dame said:


> she doesn't get it. She may never get it. She isn't empathizing at all, in my opinion. She is comfortable; she has what she needs for comfort. You are a big part of that, but your part is providing comfort. Since you need sex, she will do it occasionally - even though it is distasteful to her - in order to keep you quiet and providing.
> 
> You may love her, but i don't think she is *seeing* you, she isn't coming out of herself to love you in an unselfish way.
> 
> ...


*^^^ this!!!*

Said much better than I could.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Harley Rider said:


> frusdil - I can't speak for the wife, but I believe I've always taken care of my side of the marriage. We do things together - date nights, weekend trips (just got back from a 4 day motorcycle ride to the dragons tail in TN - no sex on the whole trip), we exercise together (walking) from time to time when she will, we work a garden together (I grow it, we both pick it and she cans), we watch TV together when things aren't so tense over not having sex (that's mostly me being ill because I've been turned down again), etc. Seems to me, in most respects, we have a good relationship. Just no sex. Well, not enough for me. I'll soon be 50. I'm not dead. I'm in good physical shape. I'd like to have sex more than once a month. I just don't think that's out of line. I could have a woman on the side - and I've thought about that - but that's not me and, besides, I want my wife. I love and want her. Maybe there's no good solution to my problem. Thanks all.


Thanks for your response OP. You're absolutely not out of line to want to have sex with your wife. Sex is part of marriage - and not many can survive without it. It's the glue that holds things together, and is so much more than physical. She's betraying your marriage vows by withholding sex. 

To be clear, in my other post I wasn't blaming you for the problem, just trying to gauge whether there might be something more going on, I might've been able to point out something that perhaps you weren't aware of...but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I feel so sad for you


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

alte Dame - Wife's gone to the Doc before. Well, on her regular scheduled visits. Not just for the "lack of interest" issue. She tells me that he has prescribed her things to help her "lack of interest" problem, but she doesn't take anything other than vitamins. Now she has pill bottles full of other crap and even a bottle of testosterone that she won't touch. Waste of money if you ask me. When I ask her about it, she says she just doesn't like to take pills. I get that, but it tells me she's not too interested in resolving the issue. On the physical side of things - she doesn't have any pain during sex or anything like that. I know that isn't the problem. If it were, I'm sure she would tell me. I just don't know.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Stop initiating. Needy sex is lousy sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> Ignore the feminist insults blaming you for this problem.
> 
> Sex is an important part of bonding to your mate. No sex, no bonding.
> 
> ...



Geez, what is it with you and feminism? You must be very threatened by feminists in order to see stuff that's not even there. Get some help for that. .... nobody has blamed OP for anything, unless asking questions to get a better feel for the relationship is blaming.

OP, you said sex has always been an issue. Was there ever a time that you had good sex with her? If not why did you marry her? If so have you considered that she's just not that into you? 

Any chance you could get her to come here with her side?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harley Rider (Jul 7, 2015)

lifeistooshort - Oh yea, as I stated earlier, wife and I used to have a great sex life. For first 4 or 5 years you couldn't have asked for better. Both seemed to enjoy it. Then it stopped or almost stopped. I don't know from feminism guys. I'm not trying to get anything started with this. I came here hoping to find something to help me out. I don't mean to represent myself as perfect and the wife as a monster. Not the case on either side. I love the wife, she has a lot of great qualities and, if not for the no sex issue, I'd marry her again today. But the lack of sex - well, once a month or so - and her really not wanting to have sex even then, is really an issue. Thanks to everyone for their advice.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I am surprised how difficult is for some women to understand the impact sex (or lack thereof) has on an intimate relationship like marriage. 

OP- your question was, "am I wrong?" 

Absolutely not!!! You have a legitimate need to want to have sex, and sex more often, with your wife. You also have a legitimate need to want you wife to be enthusiastic in loving you this way.

It's no different than a woman wanting regular affection (ILY's, hugs, kind words, compliments) initiated by her husband...It's a love language.

I wish your wife was open to counseling....someone to help give perspective...

Sex isn't a means of meeting one's need for pleasure as much as it's a way to let your significant other know that you love and care for (and lust/want/need ) them.

It's within this level of intimacy that we (the husband or wife) are set apart from any other relationship we may have.


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