# Healing after years



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Hi everyone! So as you may know from previous posts my husband years ago kissed a mutual friend. 

Well i am on a path of healing and it has been hard, but beautiful. 

My friend sent me this video called girls be trippen, and its about women relationships its actuallu really good, and its about closure and unspoken ugliness between the two of you. So i sent it to her said it reminded me of us. That it would be good to meet over coffee and talk. She said she would watch it and would love to meet and catch up. 

I haven’t heard since and this was yesterday... my husband said that it may have been a bad idea cause it was so long ago that she probably thinks I am crazy and she still has a hold on me after all these years. I don’t think this is the case women are so different than men. Women to hold on to unsettled emotions. And whether she admits it or not she probably also feels the same way right? 

I don’t know now I am going back and forth in my brain about it. 

I just wanted to end the awful ugliness between us so when we bump into each other in the future we don’t have those Ugly feelings and fake hellos. 😞


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You should meet her if you both mutually want to make peace with each other. My haunch is that your husband doesn't want you to meet with her as their relationship was more than a kiss. He would not want you to dig deeper than what you already know.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

It's not clear to me why you chose to maintain a friendship with this friend after finding out she/your husband kissed on two occasions. This happened 10years ago and you haven't been able to get it off your mind. Isn't seeing her and having to "pretend" to be friends a major trigger for you? 

Do you want to be friends with this woman as a conflict avoidant response? Or do you genuinely feel that being friends will help you heal?

What if things go the way you plan and you and her are all hunky dory and that creates an opportunity for her/your husband to pick up where they left off?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> It's not clear to me why you chose to maintain a friendship with this friend after finding out she/your husband kissed on two occasions. This happened 10years ago and you haven't been able to get it off your mind. Isn't seeing her and having to "pretend" to be friends a major trigger for you?
> 
> Do you want to be friends with this woman as a conflict avoidant response? Or do you genuinely feel that being friends will help you heal?
> 
> What if things go the way you plan and you and her are all hunky dory and that creates an opportunity for her/your husband to pick up where they left off?



So we have a ton of mutual friends is why I am attempting this. I want this for me and to heal and say you know what you don’t control my thoughts! NOT to be her friend no way.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So we have a ton of mutual friends is why I am attempting this. I want this for me and to heal and say you know what you don’t control my thoughts! NOT to be her friend no way.


How do you envision it helping you to heal? 

Do you need her to reassure that everything is ok between you two from her perspective? Will her reassuring you truly eliminate the awkwardness? What is your husband's role in all of this? Have you considered whether the best way to help you heal would be for all three of you to sit down and have this discussion?

What if she responds negatively (eg defensively or calling you crazy for still thinking about this)?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"it was so long ago that she probably thinks I am crazy and she still has a hold on me after all these years. I don’t think this is the case women are so different than men. Women to hold on to unsettled emotions. "

Men also have these emotions -- just read these boards and you will see many instances of women AND men that have reconciled, and yet YEARS later still have these unresolved emotions.

"I just wanted to end the awful ugliness between us so when we bump into each other in the future we don’t have those Ugly feelings and fake hellos."

Do you REALLY need to see/talk with her to get closure FOR YOURSELF (not her)? If so, then continue to try. If not, don't worry about her. You clearly have unresolved issues over this -- do you feel that you didn't get the entire story and that there was more than went on? 10 days, 10 months, 10 YEARS, it makes no difference -- if you feel this way it is up to YOU to do what you need -- not for your husband to try and control if you meet her or not.

The "fake hellos" are all that she SHOULD get from you for what she did with your husband. SHE should be the one to feel the ugliness -- it's her (and your husband's) fault.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I am doing this for me! Watch girls trippin with Jada pinkett Smith on red table talk. It’s about healing yourself and not letting things or women hold you back. It’s what inspired me. I refuse to keep taking my mind back to that place and back to her. 

I don’t even want to have the entire conversation with her or bring up everything I just want closure to tell her that I am done with going to a friend bbq where she is and feeling tension. It is what it is. And I am done. If I never was to see her again in my life that’s one thing but this is different.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> "it was so long ago that she probably thinks I am crazy and she still has a hold on me after all these years. I don’t think this is the case women are so different than men. Women to hold on to unsettled emotions. "
> 
> Men also have these emotions -- just read these boards and you will see many instances of women AND men that have reconciled, and yet YEARS later still have these unresolved emotions.
> 
> ...



I sent her the video and said watch this it reminds me of us. We should get together for coffee. She said it was long and will watch it later. That was the last time we spoke. I don’t know if she watched it or not. And maybe we don’t need coffee.. maybe I could just tell her that I don’t want that hater mentality it’s bad for myself. And that I am done putting her in that category. I don’t know should I just text her again and say that? Not meet and drag it all out?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> You should meet her if you both mutually want to make peace with each other. My haunch is that your husband doesn't want you to meet with her as their relationship was more than a kiss. He would not want you to dig deeper than what you already know.


He said he will support whatever I need to do to get this out. He just doesn’t want me to have this fantasy of it all being amazing and ground breaking. That she may be awful and I have to think about that also, but it’s to late I sent it.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> It's not clear to me why you chose to maintain a friendship with this friend after finding out she/your husband kissed on two occasions. This happened 10years ago and you haven't been able to get it off your mind. Isn't seeing her and having to "pretend" to be friends a major trigger for you?
> 
> Do you want to be friends with this woman as a conflict avoidant response? Or do you genuinely feel that being friends will help you heal?
> 
> What if things go the way you plan and you and her are all hunky dory and that creates an opportunity for her/your husband to pick up where they left off?



Nope no friendship just cordial. With no awful feelings more for myself. I don’t care what she does with it I just need to be right! I am on a healing journey and only care selfishly about myself. As we all should in this situation.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> maybe I could just tell her that I don’t want that hater mentality it’s bad for myself. And that I am done putting her in that category. I don’t know should I just text her again and say that? Not meet and drag it all out?


I'm not sure you have to meet her at all. Just make the mental change you desire and be done with it. Even if she watches the video, her perspective on it may be different. 

I worry that the meeting will not go as you envision. These kinds of meetings rarely do. Very likely more points of conflict will be created and you'll have more to work through.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I could just tell her that I don’t want that hater mentality it’s bad for myself. And that I am done putting her in that category. I don’t know should I just text her again and say that? Not meet and drag it all out?
Then YOU work it out for yourself -- don't really need her so that YOU forgive her. She doesn't need to know anything about it. Once you forgive in YOUR head (remember FORGIVE doesn't mean FORGET!!), it will help you move on. Have you forgiven your husband? Then forgiving her should be trivial, especially since you don't want to be friends, just "someone you know"


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I am doing this for me! Watch girls trippin with Jada pinkett Smith on red table talk. It’s about healing yourself and not letting things or women hold you back. It’s what inspired me. I refuse to keep taking my mind back to that place and back to her.
> 
> I don’t even want to have the entire conversation with her or bring up everything I just want closure to tell her that I am done with going to a friend bbq where she is and feeling tension. It is what it is. And I am done. If I never was to see her again in my life that’s one thing but this is different.


I think you are thinking illogically.

You are going to meet a woman that kissed your husband to tell her that you are done feeling anxious about her and don't want to be friends with her? What you have in mind seems TOTALLY pointless to me. However, since it's still clearly bothering you, why not use the opportunity if it arises to ask if there was more than kissing? 

That way, you can REALLY stir up some **** in your own mind and start "trippin". 

If you want to be past it, then just get past it. You don't need this other woman's permission nor their compliance for this to happen.

I say it would be far wiser to stay away from this woman who I believe is a hand grenade to your relationship.

I'll just be blunt: I think what you have planned is unwise and will be totally fruitless, but has the potential to be disastrous.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Watch girls trippin with Jada pinkett Smith on red table talk.


 You do know that Jada Pinkett Smith has an open marriage right? And you sent this to the woman that cheated with your husband?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Nope no friendship just cordial. With no awful feelings more for myself. I don’t care what she does with it I just need to be right! I am on a healing journey and only care selfishly about myself. As we all should in this situation.


Still not getting why you believe having this conversation with her is necessary for you to be right and contribute to your healing journey. I caught my partner messaging with a female friend from childhood inappropriately and I could care less about the current tension/discomfort since I made a big stink about it. I sure as heck aren't going to try smooth things over with her so she and my partner can feel less uncomfortable in social settings. As far as I'm concerned the discomfort she/my partner will likely feel for the remainder of their friendship is the natural consequences of their actions.

I wish you the best of luck OP and I hope you find the peace you're expecting this to bring.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > I am doing this for me! Watch girls trippin with Jada pinkett Smith on red table talk. It’s about healing yourself and not letting things or women hold you back. It’s what inspired me. I refuse to keep taking my mind back to that place and back to her.
> ...



I think you are right I am going to send a text to her she hasn’t responded. I am just going to tell her that the video said everything I need to say. I don’t intend to be friends she hurt me and I am on a good path In my life. I just feel if we run into each other it can be civil and less awkward. That I am healed. And in a good space. No more sugar coating things regardless of us being friends in the past. It’s time for me to say c-ya maybe she will delete me from fb lol all well this is growing up right


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > Nope no friendship just cordial. With no awful feelings more for myself. I don’t care what she does with it I just need to be right! I am on a healing journey and only care selfishly about myself. As we all should in this situation.
> ...



True.. I just want to be healed and I want her to know she is out of my brain I refuse to keep her as that unsolved piece in my life. That’s it but I do need to be straight with her and not give that illusion of being friends again cause that bridge was BURNED


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> True.. I just want to be healed and I want her to know she is out of my brain I refuse to keep her as that unsolved piece in my life. That’s it but I do need to be straight with her and not give that illusion of being friends again cause that bridge was BURNED


OP I just listened to the Red Table talk you referenced here in this thread. Thoroughly enjoyed it. I can see now why you thought it was super relevant to this situation.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > True.. I just want to be healed and I want her to know she is out of my brain I refuse to keep her as that unsolved piece in my life. That’s it but I do need to be straight with her and not give that illusion of being friends again cause that bridge was BURNED
> ...


Thank you! Yes that’s what I mean like just watch and you will get it! It’s not about me being friends with her or even me caring that I want to talk. Basically it’s not about her it’s about my healing.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Are you sure that involving your husband's affair partner in your recovery will do any good? She must have been out of your life and your mind long ago. It is in between you and your husband now. 

If your relationship with him is lacking somehow, there may be more reasons than his past betrayal.


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