# Divorce is now final and absolute but my feelings are still mixed



## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Hi all, I received the decree absolute in the post a few days ago and although a large part of me is relieved, I am still a little sad that it had come to this. 

My previous post is called 'Advice wanted please' if you wanted to read it for the history; I can't seem to post the URL.

I am mostly relieved as I don't have all the mess hanging over me and don't have to deal with his nasty, cruel behaviour any more but I guess I am a little scared of the unknown future and starting over from scratch again. It's taken a long time for me to accept that my marriage was over; at first I didn't want the divorce, I wanted to try and work things out. But eventually I saw that I was better off without him and the way he has treated me and our marriage and started to look forward to having everything over and done with. 

The day the absolute arrived and the following day I was in really good spirits and it felt like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders but today in particular, my emotions keep changing from being ok to feeling sad and tearful that 8 years has gone down the drain just like that. Deep down I know this divorce is the best thing for me and I am trying to stay positive in regards to my future but the grief comes and goes without warning. I feel really silly talking to friends, especially those who said from day 1 that I should've left my cheating ex-husband as I know they will not understand why I still feel sad. In some ways I do not understand why I get upset after everything that has happened and in particular how he has acted. 

Are these feelings normal considering my divorce has only been final since the beginning of August? Should I expect to feel this way for a while longer? I think I was a little naive to think that these feelings would disappear just because I had a piece of paper dissolving my marriage but I hoped I wouldn't be so up and down still.

The other thing that is playing on my mind is what would have been our anniversary is later this month and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. The more I try to be positive about the end of my marriage/divorce, the more I seem to get upset over it.

I don't know why I am posting this really. I guess I just wanted to write something down and maybe hear from others who are going through the same thing and perhaps had 'crazy' thoughts like me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There can be a lot of internalized ambivalence, more especially when one goes from the status of "married" to that of "single/divorced."

Thoughts of "what could have been" resonate sharply through my mind even after having made that walk twice in life!

As far as anniversaries go, in time, you'll get over it. But it can be tough initially. I suggest you get a close friend or a relative and go out to dinner with them and in some way celebrate your newfound freedom. Do not ever allow yourself to place blame on you because you did the levelest best to keep your marriage afloat.

Hopefully in time, you will start to yearn for togetherness again with some other person who you might become attracted to.

I wish you nothing but the very best on your journey, my dear! *


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

DW, it does get better. I was married more than 30 years, so really everything I knew was in some way related to my W. It took a long time not to somehow think about her. Like going to the grocery store and only shopping for one. Or setting the alarm clock and thinking about who gets the shower first. Pretty much everything in some way involved considering other people, and then suddenly with the divorce all of that disappears.

I thought about anniversaries and birthdays during the process of divorce and prior to that as things were bad. I guess I'm sentimental. But after the divorce I have not remembered on those dates on the day. Maybe a week or two before or after, but there is enough going on that I don't focus on those dates any more.

Keep moving forward, not looking back. Those sad moments will happen, but as long as you keep moving forward they will reduce quickly.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *There can be a lot of internalized ambivalence, more especially when one goes from the status of "married" to that of "single/divorced."
> 
> Thoughts of "what could have been" resonate sharply through my mind even after having made that walk twice in life!
> 
> ...



Thank you arbitrator for your kind words. I will try to schedule something for that day, I think just to be around others will help get me through it.

I am sorry to hear that you have been through it twice; I can't imagine what it would be like to go through all this rubbish a second time :frown2: I hope you are in a better place now.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Thor said:


> DW, it does get better. I was married more than 30 years, so really everything I knew was in some way related to my W. It took a long time not to somehow think about her. Like going to the grocery store and only shopping for one. Or setting the alarm clock and thinking about who gets the shower first. Pretty much everything in some way involved considering other people, and then suddenly with the divorce all of that disappears.
> 
> I thought about anniversaries and birthdays during the process of divorce and prior to that as things were bad. I guess I'm sentimental. But after the divorce I have not remembered on those dates on the day. Maybe a week or two before or after, but there is enough going on that I don't focus on those dates any more.
> 
> Keep moving forward, not looking back. Those sad moments will happen, but as long as you keep moving forward they will reduce quickly.


Thank you Thor, I am glad to hear it.

I am perhaps fortunate that we were only together 8 years rather than decades; I can not imagine having to navigate my way through everything after all those years and memories. But it still hurts nonetheless. I do try not to think about particular dates but I was always the one who remembered them for the both of us. I really hope they disappear over time :smile2:


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Oh yes, the divorce. I know what you are feeling. I was married 30 years, my whole adult life, and when I finally was divorced it was totally bittersweet. That is normal.
Yes, find something to do on your anniversary. I remember the first one post divorce, I took my adult daughter to a Cub game, 200 miles away for the weekend. We had a great time, and I only thought about the divorce/anniversary during the down times. (which was still A LOT) This year, 7th post divorce, I was in Colorado on vacation with my girlfriend, and remembered it was my anniversary, AFTER I booked the trip.... lol So it does get better, takes a while, and it is normal to feel sad as well. 
Time..... it is the only real answer.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its perfectly normal to have these sad, down feelings, even when the divorce is the best thing. You are having to let go of life not only as you knew it day to day, but of all your thoughts and plans of how your future was to be. Life isn't going the way you planned, so yes, it IS a sad thing that you are naturally going to grieve for a while. 

With THAT said... try to make your mind focus on the reality of the relationship and what he did, how he made you feel. For some reason our minds want to focus on all the good in the past, so its important to make yourself remember the bad. It helps you move on. You no longer have to deal with living in unhappiness because of someone else. You will come to embrace that, I promise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're in the up/down grief phase. It wasn't a perfect life but it was yours and you're mourning that loss. 

Time is the only thing that helps. And there's no timetable when it comes to loss -- it takes as long as it takes.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Devastated wife, I'm in the same boat as you, and my divorce will be finalized probably in September or October. Yes, it's normal to feel what you're feeling. There's really no wrong way to feel when going through something like that, actually. You're no longer with someone you once loved and shared hopes and dreams with. Here's something that helped put things into perspective for me a bit:

https://bestlifeonline.com/things-only-divorced-people-know/


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