# Stewing and the effects of divorce



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

This is gonna be long so I apologize ahead of time.

Back story. I'm a recovering codependent. Work in progress. Divorced an addict with zero regrets. I did everything I could in the end, it takes two. Dated the same man for 18 months on and off after my divorce. He had a lot of issues with trust and big walls. I was in a bad place when we started out and got better over time. In the end, it didn't work because he never wanted more than a casual committed relationship and ended up being the key to me realizing why I chose the men I have. In my past. I learned a lot. We communicated for a while but that is done. It just wasn't healthy for me and kept bringing back a lot of bad feelings. 

On to now. I have been dating someone for about 6 months. He has two teens and has been divorced for 7 years. The kids are amazing and I adore them. I have younger children. My oldest is the same age as his youngest. He has his kids every sat-sun when he's home. I have mine all but weds and thurs evenings and every other weekend. Not much us time to be had but we do pretty well considering the crazy schedules. We communicate incredibly well and get along great when we see each other. We live an hour apart

Now the really tough part. He travels for work. A lot! Usually gone 1-2 weeks at a time. I would say 75% travel but lately it's been more. When he leaves, the first week is tough. I miss him terribly. After that I still miss him but its easier. We have discussed long term goals and neither of us want to move for at least 6 years. This is where I struggle. I'm scared to death to invest 6 years only to find out he may not want more. That's a long time to spend with someone. Because of that past relationship I constantly question whether or not he really will be willing to move later or if I'm wasting my time and going to be crushed later. It's too soon to push it. But this is the crap I sit and think about. I have said a few things and tried to gauge his responses. I'm not getting any closer to knowing what to do. 

We are going on vacation together in a few days and I have no doubt we will have a great time. I just know that it will be even harder when we get back to go back to not seeing each other as much. Do I broach the subject while we are gone? Do I just shut up and act fine? Would you all date someone that would be long distance for years? Am I being too cautious because of past relationships?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

This is a tough situation, Snappy. To find someone you click with is hard enough, but then to find one who has kids that you also click with -- I can see why you are concerned. 

First of all, you've only been dating for about 6 months. About how much time during these 6 months have you not had contact because he's been traveling? If it's a fair amount, I'd say it's a little too early to be making long-term decisions just yet. Does the specific figure of 6 years have to do with kids, or jobs? Is it something set in stone? 

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd just let it go during your vacation and not bring it up. You need to have time together to continue to see how you are together. At this early stage in your relationship, you might find that at the end of the vacation, you have no desire to be committed to this person, who knows? On the other hand, it might cement your feelings that you are serious about him. 

Then, you'll have to take the next step and decide how much you want a relationship partner as part of your everyday life. If you're someone who is relatively independent, it might not matter that you only see each other very seldom. But if you want someone who is more of a partner, or companion, then this might not work out well, and you won't be happy. 

Is he asking you to make a commitment to wait 6 years for him? If not, then you've got time. I understand that you're building feelings during this time, but keep your eyes wide open, and trust your gut. If you are not feeling sure, deep down, then this might not be the person for you.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Some questions:

How old are you? 

How old are your kids?

How long were you married?

How long have you been divorced? 


I tend to think that if you have younger childen you shouldn't get serious with anyone and the fact that he lives an hour away and is away a lot is a positive. IMO you should be working on yourself and devoting most of your time to your kids anyway, especially if they are young. 

I think after 6 months you may be jumping the gun emotionally. Just take it one day at a time and don't rush into anything. Just go on vacation and have a good time. Thinking six years from now is crazy. I think you are def putting too many eggs in one basket and am wondering if you've allowed yourself time to recover from your past relationships.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Some questions:
> 
> How old are you?
> 
> ...


Thanks freak. I'm in my 30's. my kids are 3,4, 9 and 12. I've been divorced for two years. Married for 11 The rational part of me knows I'm stressing too much about the unknown. There are huge pluses to the traveling. Such as time to do my own thing and focus on my kids. I'm going back to school soon so i'll have even less time for him too. I spent a lot of time during and after my marriage working on myself. I've changed a lot and have a much better self image. I don't have any desire to rush into anything but I'm not sure I want to commit to such a long term unknown. If we lived closer I probably wouldn't have any of these concerns. What I have learned though is that I can work on myself all I want but the real improvement comes from putting it into practice. I have a tendency to find excuses not to date someone. Unfortunately he hasn't given me any other than this. Lol.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You aren't going to like what I have to say, but keep an open mind:

You have the PERFECT excuse not to date this guy or anyone else: You have four kids all under the age of 13. Two of them aren't even in elementary school yet and none of them are in high school. They need you and that's where your priorities should lie at this point. You are spending a lot of time worrying about a relationship that may go nowhere. IMO, after 6 months your children shouldn't even know about this guy!

IMO, you should devote these years to spending more time raising your kids and less time worrying about a relationship with this guy or anyone else for that matter..ESPECIALLY since you will be attending school on top of all this. The LAST thing you should be worrying about is a relationship!

In six years your youngest will be 9 years old. These kids shouldn't have to worry about moving someplace while still in school because of your romantic life. They've been through enough already having an addict for a father and they need a stable environment to grow up in. YOU need to provide that environment and put your kids before any relationship you have with this guy or anyone else.

Date him once in awhile casually but personally I think it's a bad idea to be this serious about ANYONE. That one guy who wanted to keep it casual and noncommital had the right idea. If you want to date then do it on the side and leave it out of your kids' lives. Save the LTR for when your kids are older and getting to be on their own more. You are still young and have time for all that. Right now your kids need you NOW...and for the 6 years. Think at least 10-15 years before you even consider a seriously committed relationship where you'd move away to be with someone else. 

So if you like this guy, then go ahead and date when you can but don't make any long term plans with him. Keep yourself out of his family life and for goodness sake, do the same with your kids. Keep it between the two of you. 

Don't search for a "new daddy" for your kids because your children are better off alone with YOU then they are being thrown into a blended family situation. 75% of second marriages fail because of this scenario. Do you really want to submit your kids to that? Wouldn't it be better to be spending your time and energy working on yourself so that you can be content being independent and NOT needing a "committed relationship" and thus be a positive force for your children that need and depend on you? 

That's my .02. I'm the mother of two kids, ages 15 and 18, married 23 years, separated 2.5 and divorced as of today. My ex is an alcoholic so I know what you've been through. I also know what those kids have gone through too. You need you to be their mother first and a girlfriend/wife later..much later.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Thank you for your honesty. I really do appreciate it. I needed to hear it today. I am definitely not willing to move my kids before they are out of school or move anyone in for a long time. I know I'm over thinking this. It's very hard to keep a level head when you have feelings for someone.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

happysnappy said:


> Thank you for your honesty. I really do appreciate it. I needed to hear it today..


Your kids need you to hear it.  I appreciate you having an open mind. When you signed up for parenthood, it was for the duration. Your kids are the unfortunate victims of your failed marriage. I'm sure you did give it your best to keep it together but your other half failed you and those kids so now it's on you.

I know where you are at. It's a bitter pill to swallow but if you put them at the #1 spot you will reap the benefits in raising them right. You will sleep better at night and feel a satisfaction that NO relationship with a man can give you. 

And if you mess up with your kids then no relationship with a man can repair that or make up for your failure as a parent to your kids. Don't needlessly complicate your life or theirs. Your plate is full enough. Concentrate on what you have and be proactive on this one. 

Call the shots and cut this guy loose if it gets too overwhelming for you emotionally. It's time to stop the codependence and focus on the independence. You and your kids will both be better off. Trust me on this. 

Life doesn't end in your late 40s. It just gets better when you've realized you've done an awesome job as a parent. And you'll never be truly alone because you have your kids. They are your legacy and your hope and pride as well as your future.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

happysnappy said:


> Thank you for your honesty. I really do appreciate it. I needed to hear it today. I am definitely not willing to move my kids before they are out of school or move anyone in for a long time. I know I'm over thinking this. It's very hard to keep a level head when you have feelings for someone.


And when you've had a crappy marriage, and you're raising 4 kids yourself. Easy to understand. But I have to agree with FOAL. You don't have to neglect yourself as a woman, but your kids should come first at this stage. 

To go back to your OP, I don't think you're being too cautious because of past relationships, I think you're wanting security in a relationship, knowing it's going to be OK or that this is the 'right' guy, too soon. 

Just let go for now. Date casually, but focus on the rest of your life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is absolutely no way to tell what will happen in six years. Date him if you want to; stop dating him if you don't want to.

The future.. has yet to be seen.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I have a similar situation with the man I've been dating for a year and a half. He works out of town M-F and we see each other only on the weekends. I have two kids 4 and 10. He has no children. I really care about him and we have a good relationship. My kids have met him and they love him, and he loves them. But at this point in time it's just not feasible for us to make any drastic steps like living together. I'm content to wait until my kiddos are older, and to continue working on bettering me and being a good momma to the kids. I think it's ok to date while you have kids, but I would agree that it's best to create a stable environment for them first and foremost. If this guy is the one for you, waiting 6 years to make a move won't matter. In the grand scheme of things it's not a long time (though I get it that we're all not getting any younger ) and time will tell whether or not this guy is the one. Enjoy one day at at time and the rest will take care of itself.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

im glad you posted this im in a situation not to far off... been togther for almost a year i have one DS 4, hes has 2 DS 4 &5, because of the kids schedules we dont actually see eachother that much, avg once a week. We havent done meeting the kids thing yet but had been starting to toss it around. This lead to additional future discussion, and he want to wait till all the kids are in middle school before potentially moving in togther. To me that seems like such a long time away and was even considering ending it because we were on such diffrent timelines, and like some of you said im not getting any younger. However after reading this thread, i think you guys may be right. If its right,waiting till middle school is a drop in the bucket. Continuing to focus on my DS is the best and just enjoying the relationship for what it is. Sometimes i overanalyze things and have a tendency to always be planning the next move, i need to just enjoy what i have sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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