# I want to leave my husband as I see no other way out



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I’ve been married for 23 years, we are both in our late 40’s with two teenagers. One has gone to college the other will be leaving soon, both will be in other countries far from where we reside now. Our marriage has always had ups and downs primarily because of my husband’s drinking but we managed to get through them because I didn’t want my kids to suffer from a broken home (my own experience as a child). For the most part they have been sheltered from the drama and for at least 6-7 years in the middle things were good as he stopped drinking. We have moved a lot with his job and I have sacrificed my career for the kids, for his career twice. The last move (5 years ago) was very painful for me especially when he knew but pursued his career, his travelling and partying without a care or thought for me, I had little say in the decision either, it was all about him, his future, his ego, his depression. I was broken at the last move, and went into a depression. He wasn’t there for me at all and got angry the day he decided I should go and see a doctor. There are so many instances of his lack of care or compassion, it pains me to write them now. My heart is filled with so much pain and resentment. I struggled on because I wanted to be there for the kids. There have been many episodes in our marriage precipitated by drinking, and some not. When my last kid was born (16 years ago) we separated and he slept with someone else but with the help of my church and my willingness to make it work, I forgave him and moved on and it worked. (It is true it only takes one person to turn things around). However, now as I am older (hitting menopause too) and I look back on my life and all I have given up I am very resentful. I am angry about all of the mistreatment, the being taken for granted, the sharp words, the thoughtlessness, and the sometimes cruel words, the drinking, the emotional abuse. In the past his mother has interfered and she is always first in the decision making, we only really became a couple when we left her country and moved elsewhere. His brother has been unkind to me and he didn’t stand up for me. There are just so many times and ways he has let me down over the years. I am to blame in many ways as I allowed it to happen, if I try to raise my voice to air the issue I was put down because I was being angry! The only thing I will say in his favour is that he is an excellent provider. If money could buy the intangible things in life, well. I wouldn't mind if he cared for me or showed me some interest, but everything is about him, for him. Occasionally he can be and will say he loves me, but to me words mean nothing, only actions. He went through a few months, bought flowers, was nice to me, etc. But now it is back to the status quo. We went to a marriage course and he saw all the problems but made me feel bad and said that it was a disaster digging up all the issues. Later he said he himself needed counselling because he needed to change and forgive me for my anger. He will not admit that my anger stems from the years of emotional abuse. I am not a weak woman and will retaliate. Maybe I do not do it the best way or communicate the best way. He has recently on many occasions acted so self-righteously about how he is getting help (as he started seeing his counselor) and changing but I have done nothing. I just want to leave and get away from him. He says I blame him for everything. He doesn’t listen to me at all, it is like trying to talk to a wall. He goes on the defensive, denies, minimizes, etc. I have joined Al-Anon to see if I can just heal from the damage he has done and get myself to a place I can move on. Although sitting listening to peoples sharing makes me sadder right now. 
Sometimes I think I want the marriage to work (I never thought I would be in this position) but what is the point of trying to deal with someone who makes it all about him, lords it over you and twists everything around and refuses to acknowledge the amount of emotional damage his actions have caused. Dont tell me to leave the past in the past and be kind and good to him, I cannot. I am glad when he goes overseas now as I dont have to see him at all and many times i just dont bother answering his texts or calls. I am done with the putting up and shutting up. He says that he is in a good place right now as the counselling has helped him deal with issues from his past. However, my heart is broken and I don’t want to let him hurt me anymore. So I can see no other way out but to leave. That terrifies me, although I know I could make it on my own as I am well educated and can work and be financially self- sufficient, it breaks my heart thinking of the overall consequences on our family unit.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

aine said:


> I’ve been married for 23 years, we are both in our late 40’s with two teenagers. One has gone to college the other will be leaving soon, both will be in other countries far from where we reside now. Our marriage has always had ups and downs primarily because of my husband’s drinking but we managed to get through them because I didn’t want my kids to suffer from a broken home (my own experience as a child). For the most part they have been sheltered from the drama and for at least 6-7 years in the middle things were good as he stopped drinking. We have moved a lot with his job and I have sacrificed my career for the kids, for his career twice. The last move (5 years ago) was very painful for me especially when he knew but pursued his career, his travelling and partying without a care or thought for me, I had little say in the decision either, it was all about him, his future, his ego, his depression. I was broken at the last move, and went into a depression. He wasn’t there for me at all and got angry the day he decided I should go and see a doctor. There are so many instances of his lack of care or compassion, it pains me to write them now. My heart is filled with so much pain and resentment. I struggled on because I wanted to be there for the kids. There have been many episodes in our marriage precipitated by drinking, and some not. When my last kid was born (16 years ago) we separated and he slept with someone else but with the help of my church and my willingness to make it work, I forgave him and moved on and it worked. (It is true it only takes one person to turn things around). However, now as I am older (hitting menopause too) and I look back on my life and all I have given up I am very resentful. I am angry about all of the mistreatment, the being taken for granted, the sharp words, the thoughtlessness, and the sometimes cruel words, the drinking, the emotional abuse. In the past his mother has interfered and she is always first in the decision making, we only really became a couple when we left her country and moved elsewhere. His brother has been unkind to me and he didn’t stand up for me. There are just so many times and ways he has let me down over the years. I am to blame in many ways as I allowed it to happen, if I try to raise my voice to air the issue I was put down because I was being angry! The only thing I will say in his favour is that he is an excellent provider. If money could buy the intangible things in life, well. I wouldn't mind if he cared for me or showed me some interest, but everything is about him, for him. Occasionally he can be and will say he loves me, but to me words mean nothing, only actions. He went through a few months, bought flowers, was nice to me, etc. But now it is back to the status quo. We went to a marriage course and he saw all the problems but made me feel bad and said that it was a disaster digging up all the issues. Later he said he himself needed counselling because he needed to change and forgive me for my anger. He will not admit that my anger stems from the years of emotional abuse. I am not a weak woman and will retaliate. Maybe I do not do it the best way or communicate the best way. He has recently on many occasions acted so self-righteously about how he is getting help (as he started seeing his counselor) and changing but I have done nothing. I just want to leave and get away from him. He says I blame him for everything. He doesn’t listen to me at all, it is like trying to talk to a wall. He goes on the defensive, denies, minimizes, etc. I have joined Al-Anon to see if I can just heal from the damage he has done and get myself to a place I can move on. Although sitting listening to peoples sharing makes me sadder right now.
> Sometimes I think I want the marriage to work (I never thought I would be in this position) but what is the point of trying to deal with someone who makes it all about him, lords it over you and twists everything around and refuses to acknowledge the amount of emotional damage his actions have caused. Dont tell me to leave the past in the past and be kind and good to him, I cannot. I am glad when he goes overseas now as I dont have to see him at all and many times i just dont bother answering his texts or calls. I am done with the putting up and shutting up. He says that he is in a good place right now as the counselling has helped him deal with issues from his past. However, my heart is broken and I don’t want to let him hurt me anymore. So I can see no other way out but to leave. That terrifies me, although I know I could make it on my own as I am well educated and can work and be financially self- sufficient, it breaks my heart thinking of the overall consequences on our family unit.


Hi Aine

You have sacrificed you career and your happiness for your children and your husband. You have tried to work things out with him. 
your kids are grown and they will be starting lives of their own and it will be just you and him. You have sacrificed so much its time for you to put yourself first, your happiness and do what you really want.... no one wants to live their lives for ever for the next person even worse a person who doesn't even appreciate? 

I'm sorry the thought of leaving might terrify you but some day you will give yourself a tab on your shoulder and be glad that you did. You need to start leaving your life for you.

The church will come in and try to convince you otherwise cause they don't know what you have to deal with everyday, they are not the one's who get depressed I say make your decision and when you ready do what you want to do, not what the next person wants you to do.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He sounds like he ranks high on the narcissism scale. You should look that up before deciding to go back to him. Arm yourself with knowledge to make an inform decision.

I suggest getting your life together and create a life of your own. Hopefully you are working, meeting new people, and detaching from a toxic environment.

Whether you realize it or not, you have become a dysfunctional person as well. If your not in therapy working on your anger and resentment, it will affect your future. Whether you stay or not, you have to be free from the emotional strings of this relationship. Also, you need time to reprogram yourself. You have learned to operate in a relationship that spikes wildly. If your ever in a healthy relationship, you will not go through the highs and lows as you are now, so you need the time to recenter yourself. You need to get use to what stable is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*He sounds like he ranks high on the narcissism scale. You should look that up before deciding to go back to him. Arm yourself with knowledge to make an inform decision.*

That has crossed my mind based on stuff I have read. There are so many factors, his drinking, probably my co-dependency, we are both from different cultures/backgrounds. You are right I need to get myself sorted. I am getting more academic qualifications (PhD) and working also but if I leave, I leave this country. Am sticking with Al-Anon for now then maybe individual counselling.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you should leave. You deserve happiness and have sacrificed enough for your family. My Mom was you and stayed for the children. My Dad was an alcoholic too. I knew she wasn't happy. She stayed in the marriage because she didn't want to break up the family. When us kids graduated from High school she filed for divorce. It was actually a friendly divorce as he wanted to move on too (that doesn't sound like the case with your husband.

My Mom was so happy living by herself. My Dad did eventually get sober, remarry and he and my Mom were friends and were friendly at family get togethers. She enjoyed her single life with her friends. She never had a desire to remarry.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

You tried counseling and that didn't work.

It's never great to stay together for the kids. I know a situation where it leads to constant aggression and resentment on all sides of the family.

If a happy future with this man just doesn't seem possible, it may be time to seek out your own happiness.

Sacrifice after sacrifice may be compromising who you are, and nobody deserves to live life in that way.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. I loved my husband a lot, but he usually ignored my concerns, blamed me, minimized my feelings, etc. and I was VERY full of resentment. After only 3 years of marriage!

I had to walk on eggshells around him...for fear that he would explode in to one of his verbal/emotional rages. I started defending myself and pushing back and that just made things worse.

It comes down to this: Will you stay and tolerate the way things are, and continue to sacrifice your happiness and probably become a depressed person? Or do you want to walk away from that and build a life for yourself? I have to tell you: BOTH things are very difficult to do. I chose the latter - it's been insanely hard - but I am building a better life for myself. I am 30, I have a 2 year old daughter, there is still a lot of resentment and hurt inside of me...but I chose my health/wellbeing/peace over a life of "sacrifice after sacrifice, compromising who I was"...and I'm glad.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

Your husband sounds like my husbands twin. We have been together for twenty-five years. My husband, too, is an alcoholic. I have stayed for my children, but have hit a wall. There is only so much anger and resentment a person can tolerate in an intimate relationship.



> There are just so many times and ways he has let me down over the years. I am to blame in many ways as I allowed it to happen, if I try to raise my voice to air the issue I was put down because I was being angry


My husband exactly. If I was mad, (because he was mistreating me), he was going to get madder. It got to the point that it did not seem to matter how bad he was treating me, it was just not worth saying anything. I couldn't take the intimidation and bullying anymore. Don't blame yourself. He was bullying and intimidating you to shut you up. Your needs never get met this way, but he didn't care about that. It allowed your husband to continue mistreating you and doing what he wanted with no consequences. That is how an alcoholic manages to stay married, I suppose.

Problem is, their spouse never gets any of their needs met. It erodes any love, or respect until there is nothing left.

I am guessing this is where you are. Twenty years......a long, long time. Your children are on their own, you don't need to do this anymore. If you think you would be happier on your own, (I know I do), then go. You do not owe this man anything. This is your only life, enjoy what time you have left. 

If my kids were gone, I would have left yesterday! (I am on my way out anyway). Be done with alcoholics and their disease. Don't feel guilty, he is the one who should feel bad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that there might be no way to fix your marriage. You have tried and it is just not working.

There is one thing that I do want to say though. A marriage cannot be fixed by dredging up a long list of wrongs from the past and expecting the other person to sit there, listen to them and beat themselves up for it. 

Instead works a lot better if you take the past and evaluate what changes you need. Then just work on getting those changes. 

For example, if he does not spend time with you.. then say "I want us to spend one-two hours a day and a 4-6 hours every weekend doing date-like things, just the two of us. I need this to get the emotional intimacy that I need to fell connected and to feel loved."

You would be surprised how just having your love bank filled will make the pain and the memory of bad things go away.

I really think that individual counseling is important for you. So is you pursing your own career. If he wants to stay with you, maybe it's time for him to make a career sacrifice for a change.

But in the end, if you cannot find what you need in this marriage, leave it. Life is too short to allow yourself to be pushed around, abused and neglected.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I agree that there might be no way to fix your marriage. You have tried and it is just not working.
> 
> There is one thing that I do want to say though. A marriage cannot be fixed by dredging up a long list of wrongs from the past and expecting the other person to sit there, listen to them and beat themselves up for it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for all the replies. I have some direction;
1. Work on me, studies and counselling 
2. Right now I don't want to deal with him at all, except maybe to hit him up the side of the head with a hammer. He'll be back soon from overseas, hopefully that feeling will pass. I'm like this because I can already hear the response to anything I say.
3. Maybe physically walking out will be the catalyst but then for me it will be no turning back 
He's been posting pointed messages on our family wats app as I am not answering his calls, sms. Juvenile but I don't even want to talk to him at all. I need a break.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You may not realize it, but leaving him will be the best for him as well. I wish my wife had the balls to do it 20 years ago.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You may not realize it, but leaving him will be the best for him as well. I wish my wife had the balls to do it 20 years ago.


That may well be, but if I had left him 20 years ago I would not have had my two wonderful kids. I think neither of us would want that TBH.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

aine said:


> That may well be, but if I had left him 20 years ago I would not have had my two wonderful kids. I think neither of us would want that TBH.


I was talking about now. Leave him now. Or just leave him.

That's all I was saying.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your situation does remind me of Neglect's.

Don't feel sorry for getting out.

File for divorce. If your husband can some how change okay, you can cancel it but his track record is poor.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to get out. You are already resentful of the good years you have lost out on, you dont want more of them piled up. You have sacrificed long enough, time to take care of YOU. Its ok. It really is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One thing you might want to do is to get very busy so that when he comes back you see very little of him. This might help you quite a bit.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> One thing you might want to do is to get very busy so that when he comes back you see very little of him. This might help you quite a bit.


I do have enough to keep me busy but I work mostly from my home and only going into my office one/twice a week, so hard to avoid him although that is exactly what i want to do. I try to go out as much as possible normally so I am not stuck at home. I used to think that it was because I worked from home that was part of the problem as I wasn't interacting with enough people. So a few years ago I got a full time office based job but that didn't change the neglect or emotional abuse.
Working from home is the best thing for me right now as I my son is doing important exams also so I like to be around. He is leaving in 6 months so I like to see him as much as possible before he heads off. Thank you to you all for your replies, from reading this site I don't feel so alone and hopeless. My husband arrives home from overseas this evening I plan not to be here. I am taking my son out for dinner.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He got back today and I made sure I wasn't home. When I came home he was busy sorting out his music centre stuff. I said hi and went on in. Then he came with a gift ( looked like jewellery) I said I couldn't accept it as I had told him last night when he messaged me that I really wanted to leave him. As usual he throws money at the problem. He got angry and I told him I wasn't going to talk with him when he was like that. So he calmed down and we went outside to talk. I told him bluntly that I have felt let down by his unloving and non caring actions particularly since we moved here. How he has treated me esp when he's been drinking, his lack of respect, continual crossing of all boundaries. He got annoyed stood up and walked off, it's as if he's doing the 180 on me! He is just refusing to listen. Then he was in my study, I went in and he said 'then make sure you follow through, I will provide whatever you need to finish your studies and move on". No discussion nothing. He said it looks like all my fault and refuses point blank to say anything. To me he has already checked out and just wants me to do the dirty work like the coward he is. I am so upset now, I sacrifice the best part of my life for him, he abused me and now this. Today I was asking God to help me forgive him, and try and be amicable for my kids and try to be grown up about everything. Maybe he has someone waiting on the sidelines. I don't think so but what would I know, he travels so much and is rarely home. Why won't he talk?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

aine said:


> To me he has already checked out and just wants me to do the dirty work like the coward he is. I am so upset now, I sacrifice the best part of my life for him, he abused me and now this. Today I was asking God to help me forgive him, and try and be amicable for my kids and try to be grown up about everything. Maybe he has someone waiting on the sidelines. I don't think so but what would I know, he travels so much and is rarely home. Why won't he talk?


His personality sounds SO MUCH like my husband's.

Focus on being amicable because of your children. That's the best thing you can do!

I'm not sure about other people, but when my husband won't talk, it's because he is very angry and hurt, and doesn't know how to resolve the situation (or, he knows how to resolve it, but won't go that route because of his biological family). It's a tough shell to break.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> His personality sounds SO MUCH like my husband's.
> 
> Focus on being amicable because of your children. That's the best thing you can do!
> 
> I'm not sure about other people, but when my husband won't talk, it's because he is very angry and hurt, and doesn't know how to resolve the situation (or, he knows how to resolve it, but won't go that route because of his biological family). It's a tough shell to break.


I can understand absolutely if he is hurt, but what about the hurt he has caused me? I have been devoted to him and the kids for two decades. I am not an angel by any means but I have supported his career, listened to his problems, etc without anything in return. He thinks the fact that he provides is sufficient. He refuses to even acknowledge it. There is a wall there. I guess part of me wants him to turn around and say, hey let's try and sort this out, but there is nothing. How could I have been so blind?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aine said:


> He got back today and I made sure I wasn't home. When I came home he was busy sorting out his music centre stuff. I said hi and went on in. Then he came with a gift ( looked like jewellery) I said I couldn't accept it as I had told him last night when he messaged me that I really wanted to leave him. As usual he throws money at the problem. He got angry and I told him I wasn't going to talk with him when he was like that. So he calmed down and we went outside to talk. I told him bluntly that I have felt let down by his unloving and non caring actions particularly since we moved here. How he has treated me esp when he's been drinking, his lack of respect, continual crossing of all boundaries. He got annoyed stood up and walked off, it's as if he's doing the 180 on me! He is just refusing to listen. Then he was in my study, I went in and he said 'then make sure you follow through, I will provide whatever you need to finish your studies and move on". No discussion nothing. He said it looks like all my fault and refuses point blank to say anything. To me he has already checked out and just wants me to do the dirty work like the coward he is. I am so upset now, I sacrifice the best part of my life for him, he abused me and now this. Today I was asking God to help me forgive him, and try and be amicable for my kids and try to be grown up about everything. Maybe he has someone waiting on the sidelines. I don't think so but what would I know, he travels so much and is rarely home. Why won't he talk?


What discussion do you think you need? I think he is doing you a favor here by not interacting about it. Do you want him to be on his knees begging you to stay, so you can turn him down? I hope not because that would just be cruel. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that he isnt deserving of a little cruelty (honestly not my call!) but take the high road on this wherever you can. Maybe you are looking for him to validate your sacrifice and contributions all these years, but he isnt going to do that whether you have a discussion or not. He is letting you go, which is what you wanted, so take it and run with it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> What discussion do you think you need? I think he is doing you a favor here by not interacting about it. Do you want him to be on his knees begging you to stay, so you can turn him down? I hope not because that would just be cruel. Dont get me wrong, Im not saying that he isnt deserving of a little cruelty (honestly not my call!) but take the high road on this wherever you can. Maybe you are looking for him to validate your sacrifice and contributions all these years, but he isnt going to do that whether you have a discussion or not. He is letting you go, which is what you wanted, so take it and run with it.


3Xnocharm, yes you are right. Yes some validation, some understanding would help me move on. Is it this easy to end a marriage?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

3Xcharm, I dont want him begging on his knees, that doesn't solve anything. Anyway, neither of us slept much last night. I just can't take this unbearable pain and have to live in the house for possibly another 9 months plus. Today he sent me a text saying he couldn't sleep and he has done me wrong but that he has a lot of resentment against me some of which is due to his own issues which he needs to resolve (he didn't say what though). I told him I was sorry for causing him hurt and I hoped he could forgive me and that I was working through forgiving him. (I did not tell him that forgiving him is not the same as trusting or reconciling as I don't know what to think anymore). 

I told him when he fell out of love with me (I assume because of all the unloving and cruel emotional withdrawal) he should have told me so that I didn't suffer for the last five years. Now he tells me he hadn't fallen out of love with me. I am so confused because his words do not match his actions. Is he playing me? Should i believe him or just focus on me and getting out? As someone said his track record is not good, can a man change? I am emotionally drained right now and have to just keep it together for my son and to finish my studies.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Your days of martyrdom should be over by now. It's time to think about you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aine said:


> 3Xcharm, I dont want him begging on his knees, that doesn't solve anything. Anyway, neither of us slept much last night. I just can't take this unbearable pain and have to live in the house for possibly another 9 months plus. Today he sent me a text saying he couldn't sleep and he has done me wrong but that he has a lot of resentment against me some of which is due to his own issues which he needs to resolve (he didn't say what though). I told him I was sorry for causing him hurt and I hoped he could forgive me and that I was working through forgiving him. (I did not tell him that forgiving him is not the same as trusting or reconciling as I don't know what to think anymore).
> 
> I told him when he fell out of love with me (I assume because of all the unloving and cruel emotional withdrawal) he should have told me so that I didn't suffer for the last five years. Now he tells me he hadn't fallen out of love with me. I am so confused because his words do not match his actions. Is he playing me? Should i believe him or just focus on me and getting out? As someone said his track record is not good, can a man change? I am emotionally drained right now and have to just keep it together for my son and to finish my studies.


Focus on your plan to get out. Words are cheap, you have to look at his actions. From what you have posted, your marriage has never really been a happy place or safe haven for you. You mentioned a short time in the middle where it was better, but that was it. I am not sure what resentments he can have against you, it seems you did a lot of sacrificing over the years. Whatever is it, hear it if he wants to tell it, then once you are apart from him, you can work through it so that you dont repeat it in future relationships. (provided that its something valid) He is an alcoholic and a narcissist, the chances of him changing are slim to none. You deserve a better life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

An update: After telling him I was planning to leave him, his reaction was nothing. I guess it took him a while to process that I was for real.
Last night he asked me to sit down and talk, the first time in years. We talked into the night about all the damage that has been done, the emotional neglect, pain, cruel words, his alcoholic binges, etc. He brought up events from before our 6-7 year period of good times. I have failed to realise the damage my words and actions, responses have done too. I have a very sharp intellect and temper and as he says my tongue is like a hot knife through butter. He could never do anything right, could never meet my expectations. In the last five years after moving he almost lost his job, plus had medical problems related to stress. He said as I was depressed he didn't know what to do with me and couldn't talk to me about these things so just started withdrawing. Although the drinking has gotten better before, when this all started that is how he escaped from his problems. He felt a huge burden to secure the financial security for the family and ensure the kids education was covered for the future. So he withdrew completely and resented me for not being there. We have never been a calm peace loving couple as I have mostly (when younger) have always felt the need to fight my corner (stems from childhood- both parent abandonment) and not let anything slip (and I mean anything). I was good at keeping things together, he was irresponsible and even reckless when younger but stepped up to the plate when our daughter was born. I guess I wanted to control and made sure I would not be hurt first before he could hurt me (not mature at all). He comes from a loving family with parents who are still together. Though I still think there are some ego problems and need for attention and the drinking is not fully resolved, though the timing between the incidents is getting longer. The whole thing is a mess as we are both so broken. It's the scenario of the broken glass ball, lifting the shards is more painful than walking away but now I'm not so sure. Everyone is telling me to move on but is it possible to fix ourselves and then work on the marriage? 
As someone said in one of the forums here, one side of the story is not the whole picture and I have probably taken more of the burden of the relationship but have caused damage too because I resented that. I have made an appointment to see a counselor next week, beginning to realize I have a lot of baggage and what I say and do has had major consequences which I simply ignored. This will not be easy but necessary. Thank you for all the feedback and support.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Glad you started communication. Of course you two can work it out if you are both willing and engaged.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Glad you started communication. Of course you two can work it out if you are both willing and engaged.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Conanhub, thanks for the encouragement, I really need it now.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> Conanhub, thanks for the encouragement, I really need it now.


Yes you can. Do everything you can to TRY and heal your M. If after you and your husbando have done BOTH everything in your power to TRY to heal and fix things and it can't be done, you'll at least know you did everything you could and will be able to walk out knowing you gave it ALL.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Regretf said:


> Yes you can. Do everything you can to TRY and heal your M. If after you and your husbando have done BOTH everything in your power to TRY to heal and fix things and it can't be done, you'll at least know you did everything you could and will be able to walk out knowing you gave it ALL.


Changing the habits of a life time is gonna be so hard. Yesterday he came home early from work, made us coffee and as I was working in my office i thought i'd take a break and sit down with him for a while and just talk. He was on the phone (work stuff) answering calls, messaging. He thinks that by being physically present he is present ...aargh! Trying to talk with him about a planned trip overseas (conference for him (residential) I just wanted to tag along and maybe spend a few days with him at the weekend and visit the city and some family and friends I have there. Even that he gave me the wrong dates as he was too busy with work stuff! It's as if I was talking to a 5 year old with ADHD. He just wasn't present at all. I find the whole thing so frustrating. Then he has an emergency at work and had to rush out again to meet client. Away two hours came back for 5 mins before he got a flight to another country for work trip. This is a regular occurrence, how am I supposed to work on a relationship like this?


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> Changing the habits of a life time is gonna be so hard. Yesterday he came home early from work, made us coffee and as I was working in my office i thought i'd take a break and sit down with him for a while and just talk. He was on the phone (work stuff) answering calls, messaging. He thinks that by being physically present he is present ...aargh! Trying to talk with him about a planned trip overseas (conference for him (residential) I just wanted to tag along and maybe spend a few days with him at the weekend and visit the city and some family and friends I have there. Even that he gave me the wrong dates as he was too busy with work stuff! It's as if I was talking to a 5 year old with ADHD. He just wasn't present at all. I find the whole thing so frustrating. Then he has an emergency at work and had to rush out again to meet client. Away two hours came back for 5 mins before he got a flight to another country for work trip. This is a regular occurrence, how am I supposed to work on a relationship like this?


I can understand your frustration. Seems like he doesn't understand the severity of the situation or doesn't even care.

You know what?, you are pulling the weight IF this thing falls down you'll know that you have tried and tried with all your heart and mind, if he's not willing to meet you half way there, his loss.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

An update: We have been ticking along, many external events in the family which have added to my stress. H still working like a madman - all for the family and the kid's education. Our sex life has improved because i am putting in the effort but have began thinking about the last five years. Something is bothering me (that is why i asked in another forum about a woman's gut). I write down my thoughts, events etc as a way of keeping my thoughts together, maybe that is not good for me. I try to make sense of things that way and I find journalling a good thing for the most part. I recalled an incident in 2012 where I asked him about where he was and why he had been on the phone late at night (i had got up to do downstairs for a glass of water the night before). I wasn't happy with our move to the current location (the context). I was on my computer when I asked him the next day when he replied in anger. I think my kids were upstairs at the time. I tried to type verbatim and the following is what he said. Are there red flags in here? To me there are but because of years of second guessing I am no longer sure of my own judgement.

His words follow:

"Marriage is a nightmare, we are living a lie. Family should be having a celebration and having a good time. My family accuse me, you need me to be dead then you can go back (home country). Maybe I should have an affair, maybe we should have an open relationship, you can bonk whomever you want. I am really angry with you. Never mind, today you brought me down, I had so much to do, now I have lost total focus. Let the whole lot go and then you will all know. Then you will all know. You have really pissed me off. I am not too happy now. You will not ever have access to my phone. Fxxx you. I am stupid, I should have got laid, never mind. Tit for tat. I don’t expect integrity, I only need someone to whom I can talk to, to whom I can tell my fears. Everyone makes a mistake, everyone makes a mistake. (NO Ideas what this means unless he is talking about the move). You do not consider my job of much value. You think what you think. I can tell you one thing. You will regret it. I will be dead. You guys will then know. I don’t intend to have affairs, etc.
Men, who sleep around have a better time. I should do that without letting you know. Let it go, we will see, you can decide lose it. You are acting the same way as you did before (When I was younger i was quite an angry person usually precipitated by him). All I have heard is how bad life is here. You know better. All I have heard is this is not right; this is not good, why don’t you fxxx off and take the kids with you. I thought my family would celebrate. I am in (another country) tomorrow, it’s a haven for men, and did you know that? I will take full advantage of it. We have a working class family, no finesse; it clearly shows where we are coming from. 
I know my drinking will cause my failure, you question me like I am a stupid man, I had a big day tomorrow, whatever, feel free, do your best. To hell with you, you cannot access any of my things”. 
He keeps phone, pc, etc under password, so do I, this was never an issue


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