# Reconciliation and Sexual "History"....



## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Something was weighing on my mind the other day after I had listened to some news story regarding infidelity.

The question that formed in my head was: Is reconciliation, after marital infidelity (PA), any easie for the betrayed party, if they had an extensive sexual partner history prior to meeting their spouse? 

Does having many 'partners' prior to marriage...in any way ease the blow to the heart and ego? Is it less of a loss?...or shock? And if so...would it make reconciliation easier? Or...if there wasn't any extensive seual history prior to marriage...does it make it more difficult to have a successful reconciliation?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't really feel that it makes any discernible difference. The act of cheating on the part of one of the partners has largely breached the tenants of that given relationship, no matter what the prior sexual history was for either of the partners. To even argue otherwise would just be tantamount to a "cop-out!"


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Interesting question that we should be able to discuss objectively (so I disagree with arbitrator that there are motives behind any views on this).

My opinion is that it depends and can probably have both effects (tendency to be related to more pain in some and tendency to be related to less pain in others).

Why less pain?
1. promiscuous people give their hearts and bodies away easier. therefore the let down can be less when they are hurt by betrayal.
2. if you save yourself for 'the one' then this usually means that sex is very special to you. A sexual betrayal is likely to be seen as the ultimate betrayal. Someone who has had a lot of recreational sex is more likely to see sex as something that can be serious and special but also can be just fun. Therefore, cheating may be viewed as meaningless sex which makes it more likely to be forgiveable (even if it still causes great anger, disappointed and hurt in the betrayed). I think that this explanation has the most weight of all those I list here on both sides.

Why more pain (perhaps more common in women but i'm not saying that i think it's aligned along these lines)?
1. in being promiscuous, some people may have felt used and hurt by each of their many sexual experiences. being cheated on by the one that you finally end up with after all those bad men can create an 'et tu brute' effect ("even you are bad, I have no hope").
2. having gone from one person to another in the past, it's easier to get a divorce and move on, therefore the overall damage MAY be greater in the end (e.g. family split up, etc) as compared to a reconciliation.
3. sometimes people are promiscuous because they have low self esteem. people with low self esteem likely deal with devastation with more difficulty. So here i'm not saying that promiscuity CAUSES more pain but rather it might be ASSOCIATED with it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think because us men are more territoriality guarded towards our women. When they have an affair not only is it emotionally painful but emasculating too.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

couple said:


> Interesting question that we should be able to discuss objectively (so I disagree with arbitrator that there are motives behind any views on this).
> 
> My opinion is that it depends and can probably have both effects (tendency to be related to more pain in some and tendency to be related to less pain in others).
> 
> ...



.....a lot of what you said has played through my mind in one way or another. Being a person that had zero sexual history other than with my wife...perhaps I feel "more betrayed". I know that there is still the definite feeling of being emasculated...and that my "territory" has been violated....as cited by Complexity. 

I've always wondered that if my sexual "history" was widespread and varied....if I would have had to deal with as much angst as I have?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think getting over the mind movies is hard whether or not you had sexual partners in the past. If you've been living in a virtually sexless marriage that might be root of the angst. You were denied it for so long yet she willingly gave it to a stranger. Also you might feel like you "missed out" given that you're stuck with an individual who's given you so very little affection.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I think getting over the mind movies is hard whether or not you had sexual partners in the past. If you've been living in a virtually sexless marriage that might be root of the angst. You were denied it for so long yet she willingly gave it to a stranger. Also you might feel like you "missed out" given that you're stuck with an individual who's given you so very little affection.


Complexity, like you, I endured a marriage where sex was not important to my wife. For twenty years, I supplemented my desires with my right hand because there was so much more to our marriage than sex.

Little did I know how much of a superfreak my wife could be until I found her saved communications with the OM. In fact she told one of them that she feared that she was becoming an insatiable nymphomaniac.

So yes. Like you I feel totally deprived. There was a four month period early in the EA (before it went PA) that she became extremely amorous. We were having sex three and four times a week. Then as quickly as it came (no pun intended) it went away. In fact, I used to tell her that I missed her evil twin because she was so much fun. Little did I know that she was only horny because of the messages she was having with the OM. 

Now like our trip to Paris, that entire episode has been tainted because of her affair. Sigh!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Complexity, like you, I endured a marriage where sex was not important to my wife. For twenty years, I supplemented my desires with my right hand because there was so much more to our marriage than sex.
> 
> Little did I know how much of a superfreak my wife could be until I found her saved communications with the OM. In fact she told one of them that she feared that she was becoming an insatiable nymphomaniac.
> 
> ...


Count: So sorry to hear what you're having to go through. I know exactly where you're coming from. My STBXW, like yours, seems to be a master of sending out the right signals to others through her deceptive means.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I only had one partner before my H and I married. We have been together 19 years now. Im finding the emotional side of his A much more difficult to deal with at the moment than the physical side. So I suppose it's a very individual thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hurtin_Still said:


> Something was weighing on my mind the other day after I had listened to some news story regarding infidelity.
> 
> The question that formed in my head was: Is reconciliation, after marital infidelity (PA), any easie for the betrayed party, if they had an extensive sexual partner history prior to meeting their spouse?
> 
> Does having *many 'partners' prior to marriage*...in any way ease the blow to the heart and ego? Is it less of a loss?...or shock? And if so...would it make reconciliation easier? Or...if there wasn't any extensive seual history prior to marriage...does it make it more difficult to have a successful reconciliation?


I don't see how having many partners prior to marriage can impact one's reaction to being cheated on, I really don't. This is marrige after all. 

What I will say, about having had a high number of partners myself, is that now that I'm married, I feel confident that I won't have feelings of regret later in life, that I didn't sow my wild oats.

I'm not saying that it's a safeguard against cheating, but I don't feel that I've missed out.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I think getting over the mind movies is hard whether or not you had sexual partners in the past. If you've been living in a virtually sexless marriage that might be root of the angst. You were denied it for so long yet she willingly gave it to a stranger. Also you might feel like you "missed out" given that you're stuck with an individual who's given you so very little affection.


The icing on the cake is to realize that you have been financing her affairs while you have been picking up the crumbs like a dog under a picnic table.
I have no understanding of the concept, "reconciliation" :scratchhead:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

hookares said:


> The icing on the cake is to realize that you have been financing her affairs while you have been picking up the crumbs like a dog under a picnic table.
> I have no understanding of the concept, "reconciliation" :scratchhead:


So do you mean that you wouldn't (or perhaps in your case didn't) reconcile?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Let's see, a 20 year old sexless marriage with a wife who was having sex with other men, and passed off the children she gave birth to as biologically his. Who could possibly reconcile if they were in hokares shoes?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I feel confident that I won't have feelings of regret later in life, that I didn't sow my wild oats.
> 
> I'm not saying that it's a safeguard against cheating, but I don't feel that I've missed out.


Technically speaking, it's the men who sow wild oats and the women catch them. But, we get the picture.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Technically speaking, it's the men who sow wild oats and the women catch them. But, we get the picture.


Ya. Whatever.

I still don't feel the need to go out and start wh*ring around. That's what you do when you're single.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I only had one partner before my H and I married. We have been together 19 years now. Im finding the emotional side of his A much more difficult to deal with at the moment than the physical side. So I suppose it's a very individual thing.


It's more of a differences between the sexes, although there are outliers in both sexes. Males don't want physical adultery, because they might be cuckolded into raising somebody else's kid. Women don't want the husband to have an emotional attachment with another woman, since that makes her and her children's situation more precarious.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> Let's see, a 20 year old sexless marriage with a wife who was having sex with other men, and passed off the children she gave birth to as biologically his. Who could possibly reconcile if they were in hokares shoes?


Who could possibly reconcile period? I struggle to understand the concept at all, nevermind in those circumstances.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

By no means a formal study, but I’ve chatted with a bunch of betrayed husbands. I would have guessed that if you had an extensive sexual background, you’d be more likely to devalue sex; Thus when betrayed, more likely to reconcile. 

What we discovered was the opposite. Me, and most the other men that were fairly far along in our reconciliations were practical virgins before our spouses (less than 3). The ones who had more, most often divorced. 

What we were theorizing was that the more experienced guys know, without a doubt, they can find someone easily. Most of us with very low numbers, did not enjoy ‘success’ in dating and finding someone, so we were more likely to try and give reconciliation a shot because the alternative isn’t something we look forward to.

edit; So it has nothing to do so much with the depth of the pain betrayal caused in us as it does our resolve to stay and work it out.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Complexity, like you, I endured a marriage where sex was not important to my wife. For twenty years, I supplemented my desires with my right hand because there was so much more to our marriage than sex.
> 
> Little did I know how much of a superfreak my wife could be until I found her saved communications with the OM. In fact she told one of them that she feared that she was becoming an insatiable nymphomaniac.
> 
> ...


So sorry you went through this Count. I hope you find your own freak to make up for those lost years.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> So do you mean that you wouldn't (or perhaps in your case didn't) reconcile?


She was already in the process of moving one of her boyfriends into "our" home when she handed me the papers along with letting me know she'd filed an order of protection against me.
Six months later, she was already cheating on that guy, so I was left to try to recover from the hole the cr*tch cannibal judge had dug for me in his "final solution".
So, I guess one might say I "didn't" and at the same time, I WOULDN'T.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I went through a promiscuous phase from 17-21. I don't think that made reconciliation any easier. The only thing that made it easier was the remorse of my husband and knowing that I played a big part in letting my marriage get to such a low point. 

The thing I wonder about is the way many BSs are so affected by triggers during sex when reconciling. I was unfortunately, the victim of a pedophile which led to testifying and helping to put him behind bars when I was 7 yrs old. So, sex has never not been something that could potentially be a trigger for me. I learned to deal with that a long time ago. So, I wonder how many people who are able to work through the triggers have things like that in their past. 

That may be why I disagree when people say the WS is the trigger and you have to remove them from your life. Out of sight, out of mind. In my experience, that wasn't true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

hookares said:


> She was already in the process of moving one of her boyfriends into "our" home when she handed me the papers along with letting me know she'd filed an order of protection against me.
> Six months later, she was already cheating on that guy, so I was left to try to recover from the hole the cr*tch cannibal judge had dug for me in his "final solution".
> So, I guess one might say I "didn't" and at the same time, I WOULDN'T.


Jeezus! I don' blame you!


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I went thru a period of serial monogamy during my late teens to late 20's. I liked women, and I liked sex. But when I said "I do," I really meant it. When she betrayed me, my history was over 25 yrs in the past, and was not relevant. It really hurt, and some days, it still does.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

river rat said:


> I went thru a period of serial monogamy during my late teens to late 20's. I liked women, and I liked sex. But when I said "I do," I really meant it. When she betrayed me, my history was over 25 yrs in the past, and was not relevant. It really hurt, and some days, it still does.


Riverrat: I understand implicitly! The pain of divorce and deception still greatly tears my heart out by the roots. 

The aura and the vows of marriage itself, whether professed before a pastor and congregation, a judge, magistrate, or justice of the peace has totally equal meaning. But the biggest witness to those subscribed holy vows is God himself, to whom we will be all held accountable at some future juncture in time! I can't quite comprehend just how flippant a lot of folks can be about that!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I wrote out a long analysis hoping to help answer your question. I fall on the very far end of one of the sexual spectrums, so I hoped my perception of the event would have some value....

As I was typing, a light turned on... My long detailed post about it became horse sh*t when the light came on... lol.

Clear as a bell... my opinion is...

No. They have nothing to do with each other. 

This has nothing to do with sex. It's about betrayal. The number of sexual partners you've had is completely irrelavant to how you cope with betrayal.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I
> 
> No. They have nothing to do with each other.
> 
> This has nothing to do with sex. It's about betrayal. The number of sexual partners you've had is completely irrelavant to how you cope with betrayal.


Yes, it's about betrayal but how you cope with betrayal is complex and I believe it has a lot to do with your past relationships with people, including your sexual experiences.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

couple said:


> Yes, it's about betrayal but how you cope with betrayal is complex and I believe it has a lot to do with your past relationships with people, including your sexual experiences.


Complex indeed. But, i don't think you can attribute it meaningfully to the number of sexual partners someone has had.

But I'm listening, explain why you feel this way


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Racer said:


> By no means a formal study, but I’ve chatted with a bunch of betrayed husbands. I would have guessed that if you had an extensive sexual background, you’d be more likely to devalue sex; Thus when betrayed, more likely to reconcile.
> 
> What we discovered was the opposite. Me, and most the other men that were fairly far along in our reconciliations were practical virgins before our spouses (less than 3). The ones who had more, most often divorced.
> 
> What we were theorizing was that the more experienced guys know, without a doubt, they can find someone easily.* Most of us with very low numbers, did not enjoy ‘success’ in dating and finding someone, so we were more likely to try and give reconciliation a shot because the alternative isn’t something we look forward to.*edit; So it has nothing to do so much with the depth of the pain betrayal caused in us as it does our resolve to stay and work it out.


....bingo! That probably has a lot to do with why I didn't walk away (and...I also thought of the children). I thought that I was an indestructibly strong person...who could...and had...dealt with a lot of sh!t though my life...pretty successfully...and reconciliation would be tough...but possible. But...of course....nothing like this happened before and I guess I was wrong.. 

.....sex with her....or.....the prolongued lack of same...is an incredibly strong trigger.....leading to all types of thoughts, regrets, angst, and depression.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

I don't think the amount of partners prior to a marriage or infidelity matters. I had many partners and my ex had only a few and when she had the affair I was devastated and still to this day over a year later I am haunted by the mistrust in everyone and everything around me. I work daily to forget about the betrayal and pain. It wasnt the sex per say that was the problem but the betrayal from the one person I trusted with every part of me. It takes time to get better and the amount of sex partners was never the problem for me ..... it was the idea of being so easily replaced


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

still_think_0f_her said it best 

"It wasn't the sex per say that was the problem but the betrayal from the one person I trusted with every part of me. " 

This is my 4th marriage. While I have had numerous partners in the past WS has not. Fidelity being a corner stone of our marriage the breaking of this vow leaves a very shaky foundation to try and repair. We both have an extensive back ground of emotional, mental and I have physical abuse issues. You can diffidently see the different ways we have learned to cope with it. This has triggered in me everything that came before so the betrayal is so much harder to deal with but in no way is connected to the number o partners before marriage. However he has thrown in my face several times the fact that I have been married before which is hard to understand cause I am his third. It's been 560 DOT (days of tears) with no land in sight.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm aware it's a resuscitated thread.


Hurtin_Still said:


> The question that formed in my head was: Is reconciliation, after marital infidelity (PA), any easie for the betrayed party, if they had an extensive sexual partner history prior to meeting their spouse?
> 
> Does having many 'partners' prior to marriage...in any way ease the blow to the heart and ego? Is it less of a loss?...or shock? And if so...would it make reconciliation easier? Or...if there wasn't any extensive seual history prior to marriage...does it make it more difficult to have a successful reconciliation?


I do believe it played a huge role in my case/recovery. I'm happyly reconciled (3 years out) with my formely cheating wife. 
We weren't nun/monk but the opposite. I believe it leasened my mind movies, it didn't crush my sexual confidence as I imagine it would be if the case were different. I found somehow "easy" to put OM (as a sexual partner) among the bunch of my wife's former sexual partners (and i never felt treatened by them, right?).
We also had a healthy sexual life, sex was not ever an issue within our marriage. Also, given my past promiscuity, I can easily think in sex as fun stuff, something separated from emotions/feelings, wich I believe helped my to push away OM in the bedroom. In my wife betrayal it was way damaging the emotional attachment. 
I can't start imagining how hard it should be if my wife were my only or If I was sex starved in my marriage. It's a factor I often point out when I post about some else stories, even taking into acount what Racer and others posted.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I wrote out a long analysis hoping to help answer your question. I fall on the very far end of one of the sexual spectrums, so I hoped my perception of the event would have some value....
> 
> As I was typing, a light turned on... My long detailed post about it became horse sh*t when the light came on... lol.
> 
> ...


This. :iagree: The lies. The deception. The weapon is sex. I gave up other women when I got married, I expected the same from the WW.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....just got back from my first therapy session, and when I described how I felt about this very issue (_many vs few sexual partners prior to being betrayed)_, the therapist didn't say "You are sick" ....she didn't say, "There's no reason to have these feelings" ....and what she DID agree with is that, "It's understandable to feel or think like this."

.....what I did realize is ...that it's been a long and painful road, and that there probably will be some pain ahead ....and maybe one day I hope that I'll feel good enough to wholeheartedly appreciate a beautiful day or a great sunset or some other happy-horse-sh!t like that which is supposed to make life enjoyable.

....but a good start is to find out that my thoughts / thought process doesn't make me a freak of nature.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

I had quite a few sexual experiences in my younger days, prior to my wife. After a while, I was left feeling empty and lonely by these experiences, but didn't know why. At the time I met my wife, I was in a self-imposed period of celibacy.

After dating my wife for a while, things escalated to our first pseudo-sexual encounter, which was really just an episode of pretty heavy petting. For the first time ever, there was a deep emotional element to the sexual encounter, and from that second on, I never wanted anyone else, and couldn't get enough of her.

She, on the other hand, was a virgin. I believe the sense of having missed out on something weighed heavily in her choice to betray me.

So, did my greater breadth of experience better prepare me to deal with infidelity? Draw your own conclusion:

For over 23 years, I totally devoted myself to the only woman I had ever loved deeply, and for whom I craved the sexual contact for the emotional, and even spiritual, experiences it brought me.

Today, over 2 years after DDay, and only 7-8 months past the date of getting the full truth after 18 months of grueling lying and gaslighting on her part, I'm back to that same empty feeling again. I choose to feel numb, because the alternative is a deep, soul-consuming emotional pain that's nearly unbearable. I do everything I can to avoid sexual contact, because I'm a complete emotional mess for days afterwards.

I think my youthful, clumsy, ignorant experiences provided a deep insight into getting it right with my wife, to fully opening myself to her emotionally. Her adultery was devastating to me. As a result of her betrayal, I feel as if I've completely lost all capacity to give and receive intimate love.

I'm not in a reconciliation or a recovery. I'm in suspended animation.


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