# When he leaves for the other woman



## Unhappy_girl (Aug 19, 2015)

So what happens when he leaves you for the affair partner (and still never admits the affair)? Are there any stories of regret or return in this situation?


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't have a story to tell, but I think you should be happy he's gone. You deserve better.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, I know it sucks and I am sorry that you are in sch a rotten spot.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but when I found out about my XWW's affair- she went ballistic. It was all my fault and she couldn't divorce me fast enough.

That turned out to be a very good thing in the end. 

After all the dust settled, she finally wanted to come back, guess I wasn't so bad.

However, I didn't want her back at that point.

Can they come back or do they? It can and does happen. However, I do not suggest living your life in limbo hoping for a potential return of a cheater.

You really do deserve better. 

Protect yourself, any assets, children, etc. Do a hard 180 and do it for you. Protect your health and get tested for STDs.

It's hard to believe now, but you really can rebuild your life and find a better happiness. He doesn't deserve you!

I did it, you can as well.

All the best
WD


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

My ex left me for the OW. He would have never admitted to his affair with her if I hadn't caught him - he would have pretended he just met her sometime after we separated. He's admitted that much.

He's living with her 10 minutes away now. Moved her in about a month after the divorce was final. I've never counted on him coming back, and it's a good thing, because they're probably going to be part of the 3% of exit affairs that make it long term. Any day now, I expect him to tell me they're engaged. I'm not being facetious about that.

As others have said, let him go and start doing the 180 for your own sake - not to try to get him back. He's already gone and has been gone for a while, now. My ex started his affair after 25 years of marriage. It took me a long time after DDay to realize that he had stopped giving a crap about me long before he started seeing her. He was fully disconnected from me when he made the very conscious decision to start cheating. Regardless of the outcome of his "relationship," I wouldn't take back a person who had so little regard and compassion for me that he could do that, and do all the lying he has to me since.

Sorry you're here.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, sometimes they discover that life with someone else isn't what they thought it would be and so they decide they want their old life back. But why would you want to be Plan B? Because you think he'll never cheat again? This forum is full of people who thought that (including me). And many of us guessed wrong. 

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your heart is probably broken, but it will heal and she will be the one dealing with his cheating a$$! 
You are well rid of him, he is a right piece of work to break up his marriage, her marriage and for an older woman with 2 kids. 

Have you exposed OW to her H? Do it. Expose them both to anyone who will listen, not because you want him back but because you can and he is definitely in an A fog. 

Change the locks, get a good lawyer to ensure you are protected, test yourself for STDs, protect your children at all costs, they are still young. Take care of your own health and surround yourself with a good support network of friends and family; let them all know what he has done (left you); do the 180 and go dark on him. He has asked for the D, give it to him. Fight him over the kids, get a good lawyer and try and get some evidence of his A, a timeline, etc to give the court. 

You are hurting but don't let him away with this, the man you knew is long gone, in his place is a man who doesn't give a d*** about you or the kids (he wouldn't be doing this if he did), do go to war.

Get yourself some IC to help you move on.
If he wants to come back, you will have already have left the building. You can do this, he does not deserve you.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Unhappy_girl
> So what happens when he leaves you for the affair partner (and still never admits the affair)? Are there any stories of regret or return in this situation?


*The only thing that is sure to be regret is if you do not use this crisis to get stronger*. Instead of wanting him to admit, regret, and return, you would be so much better off by forcing yourself to build up what he has torn down then keep going so that you are even more self-reliant.* The point of you focusing on yourself is for you to be a HAPPY GIRL without him.* You depended on him for your happiness in the past but what did it get you?


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I am not excusing an affair, but sometimes people grow apart. 

When that happens they need to be honest and end the relationship. 

If you are in a relationship that is not working you only hurt yourself, partner and the people you should be with.

Be glad you are no longer with him and let the man you should be with find you.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

tpdallas said:


> I am not excusing an affair, but sometimes people grow apart.
> 
> When that happens they need to be honest and end the relationship.
> 
> ...


I don't dispute that people can and do grow apart for lots of different reasons. Relationships end. Its just that, like my dear grandmother said, "You don't start one relationship until you finish the first."

There's a hurt and a betrayal caused by infidelity that many find difficult to overcome-and that pain is distinctly unrelated to the normal, and civil end of a relationship. There is nothing civil about infidelity. So while lots of folks might be relieved that a dead-end relationship has terminated, add a bit of lies and cheating to the same end of the same relationship and you get completely different wounds.

And OP, no, WS don't always admit the pain they caused, even to themselves. Try to remember that last lie is to themselves and something they will carry around. It doesn't have to be yours.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

tpdallas said:


> I am not excusing an affair, but sometimes people grow apart.
> 
> When that happens they need to be honest and end the relationship.
> 
> If you are in a relationship that is not working you only hurt yourself, partner and the people you should be with.


BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!! But some people have this marriage for life crap and therefore ending it is tantamount to hurting your partner. I get the exit affair that is total bs, but you have to be able to end a Marriage if its not working for both sides. DUDE


----------



## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Sometimes people come back, but that's not the important thing. The important thing is that, if they do, you're doing so much better that you don't care. 

All you'd be getting back is someone you can never fully trust again, and who is more likely than the average to cheat again. And of course, all the negatives that lead to cheating.. blaming you for their faults, bad communication, selfishness. Find one of the many, many, people who don't have that problem.. and count your blessings that you were able to get loose from this person while you still had time to rebuild.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP, 
We are often resistant to change even when it can improve our situation. We all have a comfort zone and it causes great distress when it is disturbed. However, there can be greater enjoyment just beyond our visual perception that surprises us when we find it. Look for this as you envision moving forward and you may be quite pleasantly surprised. The pain you feel now, although severe, is temporary, it will eventually pass and you will begin to see the better life that awaits you. It does take considerable time however so allow yourself time to close and move on. I wish you strength and good fortune.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing's for sure. If you just sit there and wait for him and appear weak and clingy, he will not want you back. Psychologically, we want what we can't have and have disdain for what throws itself at us (note I'm not saying you are doing this).

So if you really want him back (can't imagine why), the best chance you have of that happening is if YOU are going out with your friends, signing up for fun classes, taking trips on your own or with friends...just generally enjoying your life without him.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Unhappy_girl said:


> So what happens when he leaves you for the affair partner (and still never admits the affair)? Are there any stories of regret or return in this situation?


Dear Unhappy_girl,

While I'm inclined to agree with the other posters that you are better off without your cheating Ex, in keeping with turnera's advice that the best way to get him back is to move on with your life, here are a few links that discuss this strategy:

How I Saved My Marriage

How-Do-I-Get-My-Husband-Back

Hope this is helpful.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!! But some people have this marriage for life crap and therefore ending it is tantamount to hurting your partner. I get the exit affair that is total bs, but you have to be able to end a Marriage if its not working for both sides. DUDE


Yes there is a difference between two mature adults sitting down to discuss the end of their relationship and how to go about it to cause the least hurt/damage to the kids and themselves than going off, dropping a bombshell with one partner in the dark, and shagging someone else. That is the lowest of the low.


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> I don't dispute that people can and do grow apart for lots of different reasons. Relationships end. Its just that, like my dear grandmother said, "You don't start one relationship until you finish the first."
> 
> There's a hurt and a betrayal caused by infidelity that many find difficult to overcome-and that pain is distinctly unrelated to the normal, and civil end of a relationship. There is nothing civil about infidelity. So while lots of folks might be relieved that a dead-end relationship has terminated, add a bit of lies and cheating to the same end of the same relationship and you get completely different wounds.
> 
> And OP, no, WS don't always admit the pain they caused, even to themselves. Try to remember that last lie is to themselves and something they will carry around. It doesn't have to be yours.


I said they should end the relationship.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Failure comes when one trades integrity to cope with the disappointments of life. Your ex's tragedy is the loss of dignity that comes from his inability to cope from a place of strength.

Your strength is to rise above and separate from his weakness to forge a new life of dignity for yourself.


----------



## Unhappy_girl (Aug 19, 2015)

Thanks everyone. I know you are right - I've never deserved this treatment so I don't think I want him back. I know I have to be strong. I just wish that I could know if I could be happy again and if I am ever going to be loved again. I know no one has a crystal ball but this has really knocked my confidence. I really hope that one day I can look back and think that this was meant to happen for a reason to make my life even better. That's what I'm hoping... But in the meanwhile I'm fighting for everything that's mine, and I can't let him win taking the children from me!


----------



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

With a straight face, my husband would come home after being with the other woman, kiss our daughter hello and go upstairs to shower immediately. This was before I found out he disrespected our marriage in this way. I was devastated and went to get checked for STD's! I didn't have any thank goodness and he says that's because they used condoms! Like that's supposed to make me feel better. Some people can actually lie with a straight face!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Unhappy_girl said:


> I just wish that I could know if I could be happy again and if I am ever going to be loved again.


Good grief.

Did you doubt your worth before you met HIM? 

If not, what makes you different - less loveable - now?

If so, you'll never find a decent partner until you go to therapy and learn how to love yourself. If you have low self worth, guess what kind of man you pick for a partner? Abusers, users, and controllers. The women who love themselves won't give these losers a second glance. YOU, on the other hand, keep making excuses for him or worse, TAKING THE BLAME for what he does to you.

Find a therapist.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op I know it is hard to see now. I have been where you are. It really does get better.

Find a good counselor. It really helps.
Excercise, eat right and be careful with any temporary escapes like alcohol. 

Be the best person and mother that you can be. Be the example your children can emulate. 

when you are ready, opportunities to meet other men exist. Don't worry about that part right now. Focus on yourself and your kids. That's what I did and it helped.

I have a GF now and she treats me much better than my wife ever did. You can and will find the same.

Best 
WD


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Unhappy_girl said:


> Thanks everyone. I know you are right - I've never deserved this treatment so I don't think I want him back. I know I have to be strong. I just wish that I could know if I could be happy again and if I am ever going to be loved again. I know no one has a crystal ball but this has really knocked my confidence. I really hope that one day I can look back and think that this was meant to happen for a reason to make my life even better. That's what I'm hoping... But in the meanwhile I'm fighting for everything that's mine, and I can't let him win taking the children from me!


I think what is important is to realize what you are feeling is normal. I know I was devastated and heartbroken but finding out about the affair and her leaving me for him was all the rage and fuel I needed to get up and take control of my life. Use it for now to get on track. 

I hope you win getting your kids..I lost and it was insult to injury. Stay focused and strong...year from now you'll be amazed how strong you were during is time.


----------

