# Loving yourself/Others loving you



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is actually just a random thought in my mind, things have been rather stable as of late with the missus and I, too stable really... it's starting to bore me, or actually, even make me feel a bit nervous - as if it's the calm before a storm or something.

Recently the missus has also been rather "lovey-dovey" "touchy-feely" really (stupid V-day), and since I've made a commitment to stop pushing her away despite feeling a bit cling-wrapped so far this year - I've been putting up with it. Over time however, somehow I've started to ask myself... "Why does she even love me this much?"

Of course whenever I ask her I just get the usual typical responses which doesn't answer anything at all anyways, but when I ask myself, and can't find an answer... well I dunno. Is it because I'm not loving myself enough? Hence my habit to want to push her away from time to time?

Meh, I'm itching to start a very overdue routine argument for the sake of some space. There's something wrong with me.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Is she simply just exceeding your needs for affection? Smothering, if you like? You say you've been putting up with it and made a commitment to stop pushing her away, which is admirable in meeting her need for physical touch, but maybe she's coming across as "needy" to you rather than affectionate. That last comment smacks of someone just needing their own space- that bit is fine, though not sure the starting an argument bit is the way forward! How would she react to you just saying you want a bit of space for an evening/afternoon?

The "why does she even love me so much?" I think that's the self-esteem and self-worth talking. My OH has asked me this a handful of times previously when something has happened between us (positive things, showing him affection or being considerate and he's noticed the effort.) Almost like he's questioning why should someone want to love him so much. Although it does to me imply something of the dynamic whereby one partner is invested more (the more affectionate one) and one is more stepped back and observing this from a mental distance...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

At this point of time, the words "I need space" will stab her deep especially since I've been reciprocating out of principle (after reading Gary Chapman's '5 love languages' book). I've been sincere in my reciprocations, but it is starting to make me feel more and more uncomfortable as time goes by.

My need for space has damaged our marriage a lot in the past. So I've been trying to change it, it was fine when I started this "love language" thing, but now it's getting tedious, and the question comes up "Why love me so much?" And as you mentioned - perhaps it's a self-esteem/self-worth thing.

To be honest, I always considered myself confident with a high self-esteem, it's strange I question it now. Guess I just don't feel I deserve it, reciprocating is getting harder and harder not because I don't love her or mean it, meh I dunno =/


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dude,

Have you been to individual counseling?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Random,

Please don't ask for problems in your life. 

Right now if you have a peaceful and happy marriage, enjoy it, cherish it, feel lucky about it, do more positive things to strengthen it!

In Chinese stories, when you see writers say good things about a good marriage, it is always like this: The husband and wife respects each other, they love each other, they support each other, they don't fight, they don't argue, they have a sweet and peaceful life. 

My husband and I have an uneventful marriage, there is tender love, there is affection, there is passion, there is respect, there is appreciation. We feel very grateful about what we have. We live our life, we do out best to continue what we have. We avoid mistakes to ruin what we have. 

Never doubt that we don't deserve anything, never think that we are not good enough to have something, if we do have something wonderful, it means that we have done something right.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Random,

Is your glass half full, or half empty? I agree with green pearl. Love your wife. Right now she's probably a little insecure so she has to pour it on? Give her all the love she needs to make her feel confident in in and eventually it will calm down enough for you to not feel smothered. As a guy, if my wife smothered me for a while, I'd just enjoy it and roll with it for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You can ask for space ... and still have her love you for it.

Asking for space doesn't need to be a 'slash and burn' request.

You have been consciously working at giving her what she needs ... why the hell wouldn't you expect her to love you more as a result?

It's fair for you to do the same, and call her on it if she has issues with reciprocating.

You like turbulence in your relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that. Just recognize that there's a difference between riding the waves and feeling exhilarated and joyful, versus being crushed by them and miserable. Waves are going to keep rolling regardless.

I like the waves too. Feel stagnant when there aren't any. 

Think I just decided to take up surfing ...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Is she in counseling? As I recall, she does not trust you and has used "attention" as a way of assuaging her anxiety about you wandering some time ago. Clinginess isn't usually about love, it's about insecurity.

I'd be going bonkers if someone was always touching me--I found it hard even at times with my kids when they were in clingy stages, and I definitely love them without reservation.

When one person's neediness exceeds another's-as in your current situation-problems can grow. Keep working the counseling and gently remind her that although you love her, you need more physical space than she currently does--and you understand that it is hard for her to trust that you are not "pulling away," but you really just need more space and could she please ACT like she trusts when you ask for it, until she feels the trust? As long as "space" does not mean, hanging out in bars where you can dally with other women ;0

Tricky stuff. Good luck!


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> At this point of time, the words "I need space" will stab her deep especially since I've been reciprocating out of principle (after reading Gary Chapman's '5 love languages' book). I've been sincere in my reciprocations, but it is starting to make me feel more and more uncomfortable as time goes by.
> 
> My need for space has damaged our marriage a lot in the past. So I've been trying to change it, it was fine when I started this "love language" thing, but now it's getting tedious, and the question comes up "Why love me so much?" And as you mentioned - perhaps it's a self-esteem/self-worth thing.
> 
> To be honest, I always considered myself confident with a high self-esteem, it's strange I question it now. Guess I just don't feel I deserve it, reciprocating is getting harder and harder not because I don't love her or mean it, meh I dunno =/


Is it possible that perhaps you don't feel you deserve it because you do need more space to refuel? Have you ever been away from your wife for a bit, then missed her and came back feeling like you wanted to be closer to her?


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You can ask for space ... and still have her love you for it.
> 
> Asking for space doesn't need to be a 'slash and burn' request.
> 
> You have been consciously working at giving her what she needs ... why the hell wouldn't you expect her to love you more as a result?


Yeah, this might be a bona fide "man up" thing. You are clearly open to addressing your wife's need for physical affection. Why not give that to her while you are around, and make an effort to do your own thing? That way you get both.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

There's a time for affection, and a time for space. You need a healthy balance. My H says he needs alone time, I don't take it personnally. I know he needs to gather his thoughts, clear his mind. This makes him a happier guy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for your replies everyone, sorry it's taking a while to reply, it's difficult to understand this situation really. I'm thinking of how to express this concern of mine to her at the moment.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

My question to you would be... what DO you want from her, and why?

Is she just trying to over compensate because you are a self hater?

What would be what you need to feel loved, but not "overloved"?

Could it also be that she is trying to get a similar reaction from you? That she is the one who needs to feel more loved so she is doing for you what she wishes you would for her? Maybe she just wants you to return the favor if like you say, you have been pushing away.... She may feel that if she gives you extra, you will give something back (been there myself).


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