# attracted to wife's friend



## buck200

This might be a long message so bear with me.

Firstly I am 40 years old, 11 years of marriage with a beautiful 5 year old who I love dearly.
Recently a friend of my wife's has been spending some time with us. She is very sexy and very sexual. She is married with a daughter and her husband is away working for long periods. She was always playing with my wife (grabbing boobs and flashing) which I thought was a little weird but didn't think much of it. My wife tells me it doesn't do much for her. Recently she has been getting more flirty with me. One weekend she flashed me a couple of times (with my wife present) and we hugged a few times. The hugs seemed like more that just friendly hugs to me (there were some hmmm sounds coming from her). It was the weekend of my 11th wedding anniversary and I became very depressed to the point that I had to go to the doctors with stomach complaints (apparently I was tightening my stomach). I find myself thinking about this woman all the time. I get butterflies in my stomach when I know I'm going to see her. My wife is my best friend but I'm not very attracted to her (I'm not even sure I love her). 
What should I do? Is this some infatuation that will pass? Is it just a mid-life crisis? I never had these feelings for my wife. Maybe I need more excitement in my life. My work is starting to suffer because I cant concentrate on anything. I becoming obsessed.

Please help.


----------



## turnera

Tell your wife. TODAY.


----------



## turnera

You're going through what's called an affair fog. The instant you start thinking of another person as a potential match, you denigrate your own marriage: it was never good, we're really just friends, there was never a spark.

DO NOT LISTEN to yourself right now regarding your marriage. Your subconscious is lying to you, to justify lusting for this woman.

Read some other threads about how badly their lives were messed up because they went down that road.

And finally, FIX YOUR MARRIAGE!

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Ask your wife to fill them out with you. LEARN about her; get to know her all over again. If you stop your LBs and meet her ENs, I guarantee, she will reciprocate and you'll end up with the most affectionate, lustful wife you ever imagined.


----------



## Damselfish

I went thru this with a neighbor. (DH had/has no idea). The flirting and butterflies got me all worked up to obsession; I could actually visualize myself leaving for this guy (nothing ever happened beyond flirting). I thought hard about it and realized that if I could allow myself to feel these things, there was definitely something wrong with my marriage (which up to this point I could never fathom and uncovered a whole slew of "stuff"). Basically, it was a HUGE red flag to me. Nothing ever happened with neighbor, and I made a decision to work really hard on my marriage so I wouldn't HAVE to feel like that with someone else other than DH of 10 years. I remembered WHY I married my husband in the first place...(i.e. butterfly stage)...I didn't take my vows lightly!!!

I'm much happier in my marriage as a result. I still see neighbor, but the flirting has ceased. Not worth it IMHO

Good luck, Buck. Hope you can get through the "fog."


----------



## DawnD

You are going to have to stop for a second and think about everything I think. 

The butterflies are in your stomach because you don't know this woman. Your wife told you her stunts don't do anything for her, so you know that much. What you don't know is if it does anything for her best friend. That's what excites you about her. Not knowing.

Lets talk about what we do know. We know that her H is gone off to work and she is out flashing other men and flirting. Does that sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?? God help you if you go out of town on business for the weekend. Everyone you know will have seen her breasts for sure, and we don't know how much more.......

Talk to your wife and explain that you are feeling like some of the excitement in your marriage is gone. Work on that. Work on building you two back up.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

I agree with Dawn. This woman is MARRIED. You are MARRIED. She is coming on to you and flashing her breasts. That is not the kind of person worthy of getting butterflies for. Sexy and sexual? To me it sounds more like trashy. 
You said that you never had butterfly feelings for your wife and aren't attracted to her. May I ask why you married her? Did something change to make you feel this way now?


----------



## Kobo

"It's a Trap"


----------



## buck200

Brennan, let me answer your questions. I was (still am to some extent) a shy, awkward guy. I was too nervous to even talk to girls, let alone date. I have low self esteem so I used prostitutes in my late teens because I was sure no girl would ever want to be with me. I met my wife through the computer (no need to talk that way). She instantly wanted to spend every day with me which initially made me very uncomfortable but I got used to it and liked having a constant companion. When my visa was about to expire I had to decide if I wanted to go home alone or spend the rest of my life with this woman. I picked the later and have not regretted it. I never had a girlfriend before my wife. She is my best friend but I've never felt this degree of excitement (butterflies) before.

Other points. She is NOT trashy. Please don't talk like that about someone you don't know. She is fun loving and uninhibited, I think she thinks it's fun to flirt. She loves her family and I'm sure doesn't want to leave her husband. She has also been a very good friend to both of us.

My plan is just to stay out of her way for a while. She will be leaving the country for 2 months soon and returning with her husband. So I think things will calm down. Ideally I would be able to enjoy the flirting without getting emotionally involved (though obviously I'm having trouble with that). I don't want to cause a big scene with this and risk us losing a good friend.


----------



## DawnD

Fun loving?? So a married woman who flashes her breasts at other men whileher husband is out of the country is called "fun loving"? You can disagree all you want but flashing and flirting with you best friends husband is indeed trashy. Which is why she isnt doing it in front of her husband. She waits for him to be gone and then becomes uninhibited.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OneMarriedGuy

Kobo said:


> "It's a Trap"


Listen to Admiral Ackbar, wise he is.


Oh and TRASHY IS TRASHY even if is done by an apparently well bred, very sweet person. Not saying SHE is TRASHY just that her actions are. While we may not know her, we are assuming you are speaking the truth concerning her actions.


----------



## buck200

No Dawn you are wrong and quite insulting. She does this openly including in front of her husband. You don't know the people involved and, therefore, you are ignorant.


----------



## buck200

I didn't come to this site to have a good person insulted!


----------



## DawnD

So you wont have any issues telling her husband what you are feeling about her ??

And no, I'm not ignorant I'm just not blind to what seems to be happening. You are so defensive because you are emotionally involved with a woman other than your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## buck200

My feelings about her have nothing to do with whether she is trashy or not. I have no problem telling him that she flashed me (he probably knows already). You are making judgments about a person that that you don't know (except from what I've told you). Therefore you are in fact ignorant.

I really don't see how you bad mouthing this woman is helping me with this problem.


----------



## DawnD

You have already had 6 people tell you what to do. It just isnt what you want to hear. That is ignorance my friend.


----------



## turnera

Ok, then go call him and come back and let us know what he says. 

We're dying to know!


----------



## buck200

If I'm informed and chose not to take advice that is not ignorance. Stupid maybe but not ignorant. Take a look at a dictionary sometime.
This is getting me no where.


----------



## buck200

He already knows turnera. You people really don't seem to grasp the problem here. The flashing was the least important part of this whole thing.


----------



## turnera

No, we know. The MOST important thing is that you are lusting after his wife. Does he know THAT?


----------



## buck200

Is there anyone intelligent and not bitter out there I can talk to?


----------



## turnera

Actually, you said he PROBABLY already knows. 

NOW, you say he DOES know. 

Which is it?

fwiw, I am NOT bitter. I have never experienced infidelity, one side or the other. I'm trying to keep you from making the biggest mistake of your LIFE.


----------



## buck200

Thank you for getting back on topic turnera. No he doesn't know that and obviously I'm not about to tell him. To me the hugging is far more significant than the flashing. It gave me some kind of emotional connection to her. although obviously there is lust.


----------



## buck200

...I heard her tell him about one time. Can we drop this now?


----------



## buck200

I really don't think there is any chance of a relationship actually happening, or even a brief sexual episode but that doesn't stop me having feelings for her. I just need to get past this.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

You post a topic on this website asking for advice/help and then spend the rest of the time mocking the people who try to help you. Then you have the gall to ask "are we done yet?". 
Bye. Good riddance.


----------



## buck200

No I posted a topic asking for help/advice which was genuine. I spent most of tonight defending a friend who has been insulted by being called trashy which I find offensive. The 'are we done yet?' refer to the discussion of flashing which everyone seems to be obsessed with. I'm not saying it's unimportant (otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it) but I think there are more significant things. I apologize if I got angry at people. I'm still interested in people's advice.


----------



## DawnD

The issue wasn't whether SHE was or was not trashy, it was the behavior, which was pointed out earlier by several people. That isn't the issue anyone is focusing on. The issue we are focusing on is your attraction to that behavior. 

Everyone has told you to go to your wife and find out what the root of your problem is with her, which probably is going to be the excitement of something new. That can be fixed, but not with you lusting after another mans wife.


----------



## turnera

Fix your marriage.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

She isn't a friend if she is trying to destroy your marriage. 
Flashing her tits to a married man makes her trashy. She is married and lonely and looking for validation from anybody. Sorry if you don't want to hear that. That doesn't make her free spirited. It makes her desperate.


----------



## cb45

careful now real posters, u'll wipe out another thread here.


----------



## lastinline

Buck, Buck, Buck, Buck...what to do with you. Since you really don't want to hear that Dawn or Brennan is right; I'm really not sure how to handle this post. The problem is I'm really not that into euphemisms, and I'm even less into arguing, so let's see how you'd handle this if the situation were reversed.

For the sake of clarifying a point, let's pretend that your wife was "uninhibited" with her boss and you walked in on them. How would you feel then champ? Would you feel great because you know she's going to be getting a big bonus this Christmas? No, I can't imagine you'd feel fine, even if your wife is just being a fun loving girl.

She's dangerous guy. Coral snakes are pretty too, but like this "fun loving uninhibited girl" they'll kill your @ss dead. Protect yourself. Protect your marriage. Get her @ss out of your house like yesterday. Consider yourself warned.

LIL


----------



## InAPickle

This one should really be a no brainer. 

In one of the first lines of your initial post, you mention a beautiful 5year old. Imagine what she is going to go through if you act on your feelings of lust for this "friend". (she is obviously no friend to either one of you, or she wouldn't be placing your marriage and family in serious jeopardy by acting a fool) It will be about the equivalent of taking your child's little heart out and stomping on it. Actually, it will be even worse than that.

Are you willing to do that? Isn't protecting your innocent little one's heart (and happy childhood) more important than satisfying your selfish needs? Who will benefit from this in the long term?

Wake up.


----------



## buck200

Lets forget the whole trashy thing. I'm prepared to accept that her actions are trashy. I'm sorry for my angry responses but you already knew I care for her so it cant be too surprising. I really dont think she is trying to break up my marriage. he seems to just be amusing herself and maybe enjoys the hugging because she isn't getting male affection from anyone else right now. I agree that this could be a dangerous situation which is why I asked for help. I think if I control my feelings for a couple of weeks this could all just go away. Maybe I'm being a coward here but I dont want to upset my wife with this if it isn't absolutely necessary.


----------



## turnera

Fix your marriage.


----------



## spartan

so what is it that you would like to hear from us? go ahead, have an affair with her and when your wife and her husband find out that they wont mind? That affairs are normal and acceptable adult behaviors?

If you are unhappy with your current situation, you need to get rid of external distractions. That means to break contact with the OP and take a good long hard look at your situation. I believe that when you think you are done to give it at LEAST 1 year after that date to work things out. This is a big decision and one that you cannot get a "do over" turn. 

Work on yourself and figure out why these feelings are going through your head, examine your relationship and then work on it. If it was not meant to be you at least gave it 110% and can walk away down the road with at least knowing you did this with a clear head and gave it your best.


----------



## DawnD

I think you do need to tell your wife because it is absolutely necessary. What you want to do, is spend the rest of her time with her, allow yourself to stay attached and then when she leaves you'll deal with it then. How is that fair to your wife exactly??

I can already tell you that you are at an unhealthy place. You came in here and basically called everyone else stupid and bitter, because you can't stand that people may know people EXACTLY like the woman you have your crush on. Your feelings for her are wildly inapproapriate. It doesn't matter if she would sleep with you, it matters that if the opportunity arose, we all know you wouldn't walk away. 

I would really suggest you seek individual therapy. You mentioned some really low self esteem issues, so much so that you would possibly throw away your wife just because some other woman is paying attention to you. That is a huge personal issue and maybe a counselor can help you work your way through it. But the contact with the OW has to stop.


----------



## Susan2010

Buck, do you know other beautiful women who behave the way your wife's friend behaves? Do you often have guests or visit other people's homes and see the women do these same types of things? Do you see it at the gas station? In the grocery store? I have no doubt the answer is no to all of those questions. Therefore, why do you think this friend acts that way? Is it likely she is the only fun-loving woman on earth who is also beautiful and sexy? I have no doubt the answer is no to that question, too. Your wife's friend does these things - both the flashing and the hugs - for a reason. She really has very low self esteem. And you thought you were the one with low self esteem, didn't you? The women who responded to you know exactly what that woman is all about, while you feel she is nice and friendly and simply likes having fun. Most of your respondents were women even if the names don't make it obvious. The thing is, the friend does these things on purpose. She is well aware of the affect she has on men and the affect she has on women who are so inclined. She needs attention, and this is very negative attention. Perhaps you have heard of children who misbehave and act badly so they can get their parent's attention. This is the same thing by nature. It doesn't make sense to behave badly to get attention and make people love you, but a person like her has no other route because of the way she feels about herself. Her self esteem is so low that she feels people will not like/love her were it not for her sexiness and sexual nature. She doesn't feel her personality is enough. She fears her knowledge and level of education are not enough. So she reverts to this type of behavior in order to get a reaction out of people. You have fallen into her trap and responded exactly the way she knew you would. She has to know she is desired and must make sure of it, even though provoking desire in this manner would warrant her being called some unsavory names. No, it is not her intention to break up your marriage. But what you don't understand, your marriage is of no consequence to her. She needs attention and will get it at whatever the cost. Then she will claim innocent and blame you. Most women are familiar with her type, and we are definitely aware of the affect we have on men. Most of us just don't go to such great lengths because we don't all have the same issues. Release yourself from this woman's clutches or you will live to regret it in more ways than you can imagine.

Early in your post, Turnera offered a suggested for you to go to the marriagebuilders.com site and print out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. That is one thing to help greatly improve your marriage and the way you feel about your wife. Marriage counseling and sex therapy are some other suggestions. And there are more. You can improve your circumstances to such a degree that when you see this woman or any other behaving so badly, it will not have anywhere near the intended affect. You won't have to fall into anyone's trap when you're lusting after your wife in the same way.


----------



## buck200

Thank you Susan. You have definitely given me some things to think about.


----------



## wife&mama

Didn't have time to read all the replies but wanted to tell you that you should always lead your heart. Not let your heart lead you. Your heart is capable and from the sound of your post, already decieving you. Your heart will make you believe that you don't love your wife, don' t feel attracted to your wife and that this new person is the right one. Just think of all those people who have cheated on their spouses? Their heart tells them that this new person will make them happy and to follow the new exiting relationship. How much destruction lies behind that thinking? Familes destroyed, spouses deeply hurt and betrayed. On the contrary when you lead your heart (with your mind) you tell it what you are going to do and that makes it easier to do the right thing. You married your wife. If you didn't love her why did you marry her? You had to feel something otherwise you wouldn't have proposed. 

The best thing is to tell your wife that you don't feel it is right to continue having her friend come over with the way she is acting. Turn and run the other way. Don't think that you will be able to be strong enough to resist temptation or that by simply telling her to stop it she will. Why put yourself in a place where you have temptation? That is not the smart thing to do. 

From your post you are already emotionally involved and for the sake of your wife and child, keep that woman away!


----------



## Eraz2010

Buck,

What you are feeling is very very normal. I'm a similar age and been married a similar time to you. I've had 2 or 3 "crushes" I like to call them, during my married life. The most recent was the hardest.

Rewind my life back around 20 yrs and I was married to someone else...childhood sweetheart... and I got a "crush" on a woman at work, we had an affair, I couldn't handle the deceit so left my wife swiftly, lived with the vixen for 3 years and she destroyed my life and hurt me and my family in ways I simply cannot discuss here.

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN!!

BTW, flashing boobies is necessarily trashy... infact my current wife did exactly that on Saturday night at a party.

If you cannot toally get this woman out of the picture then redouble your own efforts with your wife... and step-up your sexlife... empty balls are one of the best deterrants for "extra marital".

Remember, there is no "happy ending" other than staying with your wife.


----------



## sisters359

You *must* lose this good friend--it will be the only way to protect your marriage. Because it involves a close friend, you have to explain it all to your wife unless you can just tell her, "Look, I'm really uncomfortable around X. I do not want to spend time with her. If you want to maintain the friendship, then please do so outside of our home and our time shared together." 

You will be better off telling your wife that you are feeling sexually attracted to another person and that you are becoming aware of feelings and issues about the marriage that threaten it. Start counseling together. 

Your wife may or may not feel the same. Her behavior--instant clinging to you from when you two first got together--is indicative of her own issues-low self esteem, like you. When two people marry out of a mutual need to find affirmation in another, the marriage will be threatened when one person changes. You are changing (and the marriage has helped you change, whether you realize it or not).

The good news is, if you grow and change together, through counseling, etc., your marriage could become the stuff others just dream of. Imagine your wife as a very self-confident person who chooses you but is not in any way dependent on you. Imagine all her best traits magnified by her own self-confidence. Could be very sexy and attractive.

The tough part is, her self-esteem will suffer a huge blow when she finds out you have been attracted to someone else. That's why joint and perhaps individual counseling is so important. She needs to learn to love herself whether or not you are with her, as you need to do the same. 

For the record, the behaviors this OW exhibits are indicative of her own emotional neediness--for male attention. A woman who feels good about herself does not behave like this, ever. The h being gone is irrelevant. "Trashy" is a simple word to describe a behavior that is highly inappropriate and should send you a red flag that this woman needs help herself and, as someone who clearly needs attention/affirmation from others, would make a very difficult partner to satisfy. 

And the hugs wouldn't have felt so meaningful to you if she hadn't been sexually teasing you also. You wouldn't feel butterflies if she hadn't been giving you inappropriate attention.


----------



## CaliRN

Threesome time?lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## El Guapo

All of this is already out in the open, so should be much easier to talk about with your wife. She isn't going to get mad at either of you for crossing a line behind her back. I think the issue is how you feel about your wife. The fact that you are not attracted to her anymore is contributing a lot of what you are feeling about this woman. The flashing boobs only gives you some place to direct your sexual desires. 

Another consideration may be how you are wired sexually. I have an over the top sex drive and have sexual thoughts about every woman I see. I have to work really hard to push them out of my mind and be a respectable person. I have to avoid "trouble" and try to see it coming far in advance so that I can head it off at the pass. I treat every woman I am around with respect and never make them feel uncomfortable. I have been married for 16 years and have never cheated or even come close. However, now that I am having a hard time with my wife and my feelings about her are changing I am starting to look at women a lot more. I try not to but I can't help it. The bad side of me wants to see a picture of this woman so that I can see how sexy she is. 

Tell us why you aren't attracted to your wife?


----------



## El Guapo

Any updates? I'm really interested.


----------



## Atholk

buck200 said:


> No Dawn you are wrong and quite insulting. She does this openly including in front of her husband. You don't know the people involved and, therefore, you are ignorant.


Well then there's no problem is there. Why are you even here?

...oh yeah, because you know it's wrong and going to screw everything up.


----------



## stoomey74

The point of her trashy is irrelevant and only people's opinion.Saying someone is trashy is harsh if we ourselves don't know them.

But I have to agree with Admiral Ackbar. It may not be a trap set by her and your wife, but it is an emotional trap that one must be careful of. It is the attention she is giving you that is interesting. Her flashing helps you feel like she may be extra "fun".

Just be sure to keep logic in the equation.


----------



## dsfg_lover_001

Well I understand how you feel now.You spent time with your wife`s friend lately to make you have feeling for her,and attracting to any woman besides your wife is a normal thing.But maybe that attraction was just in that moment, maybe later and later you wont find attraction anymore.If you still love your wife,you should spend more time and appreciate her more to figure out what is more important in your life.


----------

