# Don't Mind Me, Just Another Rant



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Today was a bad bad bad day. I completely lost all the momentum I thought I gained. For all my big, positive talk I succumbed to the obsessive thoughts. I kept running in my mind over and over what he said (his reasoning for ending the marriage) and trying to evaluate what it meant only to come up with more questions and some major self pity. 

Awhile back, I bought some flowers and planted them in a pot outside the front door of my apartment. I did this in an effort to cheer myself up and have something beautiful in my life. Despite all my care and attention, they died. They are just ugly, brown lifeless stems now. It has become a symbol for me of what has happened with my marriage. It makes me sad to see it and I don't even have the energy to throw them out. Again, all symbolic of the state I'm in.

I did a huge no-no and looked at his Facebook page. It's blocked so all I can see is a couple of pictures, but that's all it took. They were of the two of them (he and posOW) out to dinner and at the beach. Happy, holding each other. I can't stand it! He didn't even try! He admitted so much to me. He said he just avoided it and ignored it until she came along and awakened something in him. Am I not important enough to warrant an effort? I was his friend, lover, and partner for fifteen years! 

We agreed to not contact each other for awhile, but I am having a hard time fighting the urge to call, text, or email him. It's as if I am addicted to him. I think I got a rush seeing him this last time and it gave me my "hit" for awhile and now it's wearing off. This sounds so wrong, but how dare he be happy when I am not? It's not fair!! How can he just give up on me? 

I wanted to be cool and calm during our meeting. Maybe I held back too much. Perhaps I wasn't honest enough with him or myself. Maybe I should have gotten angry instead of being so f*cking understanding!! _Sure, by all means, walk the f*ck all over me and while you're at it, minimize our marriage and justify your guilt by rationalizing your reasons for walking away from someone who was good, loving, and supportive of you._ 

My house of cards is falling. I am doubting all the progress I thought I had made. I feel defeated. I was so drained by it all, that I fell asleep for a few hours today. I woke feeling a little better, but I'm still walking around in a fog. 

This is so hard. Here's hoping tomorrow finds me in a better state of mind.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

You need to hold yourself for a little longer. This will all get better. You are going through the worst part, trust me...


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Bronte,

Sorry my PM box was full, I deleted some stuff. Pls. resend your message. Look forward to hearing from you


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

PS Don't beat yourself about the plant  I know how you feel, like it symbolizes so much more, everything falling to sh*t all at one (trust me, I know the feeling)

Practically speaking, it's been an abnormally hot summer all around the country, no wonder the plant withered. Indoor plants are much better! Try a peace lily (gets rid of toxins in the air), orchid or jade plant. I recommend starting with the jade, v. low maintenance.


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## Jojara (Aug 1, 2012)

Each time you have to push yourself through this, the stronger you will get. This time might be a 9 out of 10 unbearable.....but next time it will only be an 8 out of 10 unbearable. Sounds like its time to plant yourself some new flowers- mix in a couple of beautiful silk flowers to remind yourself that no matter what...SOME things don't have to die. Hugs!!!


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## Archon (Jul 13, 2012)

Bronte,

I don't know the exact history of your relationship but I definitely feel for you and your situation. It's of utmost importance to develop a support group that can help you in this time of need. Do you have any friends/family that are close? Also, IC can be a major source of help in coping with all the depression and anger you have.

It's natural to feel angry at him. Watching as he moves his life forward without you and is finding happiness, while you are stuck in a quagmire would affect anyone to at least some degree. The importance of patience is key. *We have to allow ourselves to feel those things but learn to accept them and move on.*

You might be surprised how helpful IC can be. Anyway, hang in there. It _will_ get better.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

My family is here and they have been very supportive (so grateful!). I believe I'm wearing them out, though. They have been trying to get me to do things and keep me active (as my sister says, "If your not moving, your dying"). But, all activity feels like I'm wading through mud. Nothing interests me and everything feels laborious. 

Sh*t, this is why he left me isn’t it? He couldn't take my depression and what it was doing to us. My STBXH felt like he wasn't really living as we never did anything anymore (became lethargic). Things were pretty great the first several years (depression mild, controllable), but then things began to go downhill for me and continued to spiral. I'll admit, I could feel him pulling away, but this only served to compound the problem. 

This, he claims, is why our passion died and he wanted out. Is he right? Who would want to be with such a lifeless person? He lived with it for years. But, what makes me so angry was that he didn't value me or our relationship enough to communicate his growing unhappiness. I think he just gave up on me. That, or did he expect everything to just come easy and naturally? I don't think that's how life works nor is it realistic. And if he wanted out, couldn't he have had the decency to leave before he pursued another relationship? The betrayal is inconceivable. 

I want so much to call him and let him have it! I am feeling angrier now than I have in the past eleven months. Am I moving into a new grief stage? My default is always depression, but I can feel the ire bubbling under the surface. 

_He_ wants to move forward and enjoy his new life- and leave this mess he created behind him! Great for him, but what about me? Our marriage is dead in the water, but would it do _me_ any good to express my full indignation? Because I'm a people pleaser, I have been oh so understanding about _his_ feelings and thoughts through this whole process, that I haven't given myself the chance to voice the injustice of it all. 

Why should it be so easy for him? How should he be allowed to just walk away? Am I just being spiteful? He told me he feels guilt and shame for what he's done, yet there he is out having a blast with that posOW, giving her the intimacy, love, and attention he denied me. I know ultimately there is nothing I can do but accept that I've been handed a raw deal- but it stinks and right now I'm stuck in the disappointment of it all. 

I need to get back into IC, but even finding the motivation to call for an appointment is difficult. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and have been to various therapist (many with little or no success). I think what's holding me back is the fear that the system will just let me down again.

I want to trust myself and the grieving process I'm going through, but it's like I'm attempting to climb up a landslide. Logic tells me that this can't go on forever, it's just that I'm getting weary of dodging falling rocks.

Okay, okay. Baby steps. I'm gonna go get that jade plant and keep it _in_ the apartment. I'm going to hold myself a little bit longer and try to find the patience that it _will_ get better. I *am* really listening to all of you, as you are all so right. Thank you for your reassurances. 

Speaking of baby steps, just a little funny that popped into my head. Do you remember the line in The Princess Bride:

Fezzik: You just shook your head... doesn't that make you happy? 
Westley: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? 

See, I haven't lost my sense of humor at least.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

The Princess Bride. A classic.



I am in IC again too...and my therapist looks at me like I am crazy and tells me that I need to just move on and wants to drug me up and hospitalize me.

I hate it but I like it. It gives me 45 minutes to vent.


The ire bubbling underneath it all? I know it.

In fact, I feel like I connect to you. I have also been the "understanding one" while I am the one getting the shaft being left all pregnant for lame reasons.


Hopefully this fuels us and helps us move forward...and the jade plant sounds like a wonderful idea.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

abandonmentissues said:


> The Princess Bride. A classic.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

"Have fun storming the castle!" - Billy Crystal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Stormin' the castle is right! We are entitled to feel anger, abandonmentissues! 

We shouldn't have to acquiesce to anyone's mistreatment of us. While looking at both sides of the issue is admirable, allowing someone to walk all over us is not. They chose to leave when things got hard, why should we have to trip all over ourselves to make them feel better about it? 

For me however, knowing this and applying it to life is an issue for IC. In my childhood, my father's constant anger (at himself and the world) was oppressive. Any anger I might have expressed was met with punishment. As a result, I've learned to hold it in and deny my feelings. 

I wanted so much to be the "good girl" because I thought that was the only way I would find love and acceptance. I would give in and do my best to smooth things over. Now, if I do feel anger, it comes in short, explosive bursts (totally out of proportion to the situation) and quickly turns to shame and guilt. 

This coupled with my STBXH's own tendency to manipulate has created damaging results. He has this strange effect on me. When together, I lose my resolve and it becomes all about how difficult this has been for _him_. Not going to be a problem for us anymore, as "we" agreed not to see each other for a long while (he needs to focus on moving forward, i.e. schtupping posOW). Just as well, I suppose I need some distance, too. A little righteous indignation does help, just wish it would last. 

"Good heavens, are you still trying to win? You’ve got an over-developed sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you in trouble some day." ~ Count Rugen to Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Earth to Bronte,

When you see those pics of him living large with posOM, does it make you reconsider being "nice" in the divorce?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

AT this point, I'm not sure it's about being nice. I'm wondering if it's even worth it to continue dragging this out. We are so close to finalizing the divorce (simply my signature and an appearance before the judge). To pursue alimony means _I_ would have to open up the MDA again and go through more legal back and forth. He would only have to sign off on it.

As we have no children, maybe I should just make a clean break. Is there any value to pursue alimony based purely on a sense of injustice? My father-in-law wants me to go for it to teach him a lesson about consequences, but is this just coming from a father's disappointment in his son?

In our current MDA, I've asked for half the money payed already on our one asset, the car, and the cost of legal fees. I doubt I'll even get that. With his degree, he has the _capacity_ to earn more, but chooses not to. Sure, he could be held in contempt of court for not paying, but that'll mean more legal fees and anxiety. 

Yeah, he's livin' large with posOW now, but he's also digging himself into a hole. He's a hustler and can be very charming. With my small paycheck, this was how we got by. A little here, a little there. Pawn this, sell that. Take from our parents.

Before his father decided to cut him off, they were sending him checks, giving him full use of their gas card, and (unbeknown to them) maxing out their credit card. He had his landscaping job (payed over $100 a day), and when I was at my lowest and feeling sorry for him he took money from me. I'm sure he is living rent free with posOW and doesn't feel like he has to worry about a thing. He's not living in the real world and it will catch up with him. So, new tattoos and gifts for her but it's only day to day. 

STBXH's MO is to forgo responsibility (bills, etc.) and run through money without any regard for the future, just to have a good time. The last time we spoke, he told me that he quit his landscaping job. Apparently, the boss was a hot-head jerk, was critical, and dared to point a finger at STBXH's chest. _Perhaps_ justifiable reasons to quit your only source of income, but this kind of thing always seems to happen to him. I'm sure there is more to the story. This is pretty much how it went with all his jobs. I don't foresee that changing anytime soon.

Sure, times are tough finically for me now, but I'm not destitute and I will eventually get back on my feet (although it will take some doing). So again, is it worth it? Should I ask for alimony simply because I'm angry and feeling bitter? Would it make _me_ feel any better? As for "sending a message", would he even care? 

I was the one with the steady income throughout our entire relationship. I also supported us and helped him out while he went through school (and when it came to my turn, he bailed). We spent every penny of my grandfather's inheritance to compensate for his lack of contribution. But it was never about compensation for me. I chose to look the other way, so am I not just as responsible? *Is it fair to demand monetary retribution for a broken heart?*

When I discovered he was romancing that posOW with dinner and trips, it wasn't about the money. It was about how he could show her more passion and treat her better than he had me in a long time. It just stings. It's also painful to think that it is so easy for him to push me aside and celebrate his new life with such joyful abandon, as if _we_ never existed. 

I'm angry that I was played a fool and not treated with respect. I'm angry that he wanted everything to come so easy and never stepped up. I'm angry now for a lot of things, yes. But I don't want this anger to eat me up inside and sour my soul. Especially now when I am trying so hard to learn to like myself. 

Maybe I'm just tired today and feeling plain sick of it all. Am I wrong? Am I not seeing things clearly? Am I missing the point?

P.S. I got my jade plant today.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like you're depressed and giving up.

I would imagine that's exactly what he's counting on.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Bronte,

He sounds flat broke and has no money to give. Your STBXH has proven himself completely unreliable and incapable of providing social support, let alone financial.

You'd be better off asking your mom, sister, a bank, or any close friend or reliable person for a loan to pack up, move away & start a new life or borrow money for school.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

IMHO:

Ask for alimony.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Can you explain why, Emerald? 

I _am_ depressed. I'm still in such emotional turmoil that I'm finding it hard to think straight. This is why I ask.

Conrad, your comment gave me a start. Do I really come across as giving up? 

Thanks to all for your input.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BronteVillette said:


> Sh*t, this is why he left me isn’t it? He couldn't take my depression and what it was doing to us. My STBXH felt like he wasn't really living as we never did anything anymore (became lethargic). Things were pretty great the first several years (depression mild, controllable), but then things began to go downhill for me and continued to spiral. I'll admit, I could feel him pulling away, but this only served to compound the problem.
> 
> This, he claims, is why our passion died and he wanted out. Is he right? Who would want to be with such a lifeless person? He lived with it for years. But, what makes me so angry was that he didn't value me or our relationship enough to communicate his growing unhappiness. I think he just gave up on me. That, or did he expect everything to just come easy and naturally? I don't think that's how life works nor is it realistic. And if he wanted out, couldn't he have had the decency to leave before he pursued another relationship? The betrayal is inconceivable.
> 
> ...


Read this @50,000 feet.

All your fault?

So you should settle for a life of hardship?

Do you love yourself?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SadSoul,

I'm glad to see you like this comment.

I want to see if Bronte will respond.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Conrad, haven't responded until now because I wanted to chew on it a bit. I've been trying to distance myself from the situation, as you suggested, and really see it for what it is. 

My STBXH is a selfish son of a b*tch. No, the break down of our marriage was not all my fault. As a matter of fact, I was a pretty freaking great wife and friend to him all those years! He will always hold a place in my heart despite his faults and most recent betrayal, but he will no longer have all of it. 

No, I can't say that I have loved myself. A large part of my depression is that I haven't felt worthy of love. What the hell! I have allowed the insecurities of others, those I trusted, loved, and relied on (i.e. father) to make me feel less than. Feeling less than, I'd expect less. A cycle I plan on breaking. I have an appointment next Tuesday with a therapist. 

Life of hardship? No, I don't want that. I also don't want to be tied any longer to someone who could so callously hurt me the way he did. He is trouble and will only damage me further. I do not wish to have to fight him the next few years for every penny he should be willing and obliged to pay me. So, is it rolling over and giving up or standing on my own two feet and taking charge? A distinction I am willing to make because I _can_ make it on my own and I don't need or expect him to do so anymore. 

I fully understand I have a long way to go. It will be a tough road ahead struggling to break old modes of thinking that no longer serve me. I'll have my moments of weakness. I'll still waver in my conviction, but a lifetime of accepting bullish*t will do that to a person. However, I can recognize now that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Perhaps he did me a favor.


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