# I was the OW but didn't know



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Since joining TAM I've been thinking a lot about various topics... would like some feedback on the darkest period of my life, which is totally over but is still part of my past.

Before I met my H, many years ago actually, when I was in my early 20s, I got involved in an EA with a man who was my superior at school - as in I was a student, he was in university administration. It started out very very secretive. We met online and the whole relationship was through telephone conversations. He wouldn't tell me his real name or any identifying details but he gave me attention I couldn't get anywhere else and I liked the intellectual connection I thought we had. He said he was divorced, no kids. I had no reason really to believe otherwise I guess.

It turned into a PA and by that time I had figured out on my own through various clues who he was but I still didn't know that he was actually married. The PA was very short-lived - it happened twice that I remember. But I was totally besotted, I was extremely young and very, very insecure, and going through a violent death in the family. 

Anyway, he dumped me and I got a boyfriend and life went on but he would periodically contact me (no sexual stuff) to ask about my life. Finally about 5 years after the whole thing happened, he let it slip that he was married, I said, oh you got married, he said, no we've been married for 16 years. 

I haven't spoken to him since but I still feel sick over this. There was a woman, probably a very nice woman, who was cheated on. I didn't know. I hate it. I hate HIM for lying and putting me in that position. 

This revelation happened very soon before I met my now husband. I told him the whole thing and he said that most of what the guy told me over the years were lies: that he didn't have a home telephone or a cell phone (didn't like "technology" but we met on the internet? he only called from his office or his vacation home), that he had ED (to make me feel sorry for him, I don't know if this is really true as we only had sex twice), that he had depression, anxiety, and was suicidal (again to make me feel sorry for him), he played up his wealth by flashing huge amounts of money and putting me up in a $700 hotel, that kind of thing. The whole "I hate my life and you can't save me but I'll let you try" thing that went on for so long and I fell for it COMPLETELY.

I wanted someone to take care of and he wanted ... I have no idea what. He got sex TWICE so it wasn't that I guess.

Anyway, I am now blissfully married and I haven't thought about him in ages but reading the posts on here brought it back to my mind. Is there any point in tracking down his wife and telling her that her husband is a cheater and she should get tested for STDs? (I don't have any but I now doubt I was the only one.) It's an issue of health... but maybe it's none of my business. Maybe she knows and likes it. I have no idea. I haven't had ANY contact with him since I met my husband and I completely changed my email address and phone numbers so even if he wants to contact me he never can. I am certain he has no idea that I married. Anyway... what would you do? 

I probably won't do anything, but if everyone says "You need to tell her!!" then I could try to find her. I don't know how to even start such a conversation. I kept copies of all our internet chats on my computer so that if I ever needed them I would have them and I still do although I haven't opened them in years.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't call his wife. I am a firm believer that the betrayed spouse/partner has a right to know they were cheated on but my personal view is that the knowledge/exposure should never come from the OW/OM. 

Move on with your life. In the future, look for clues and a$$hole behavior from people. 

I am curious as to how you didn't know his identity yet he was your superior at school? That is confusing to me.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am curious as to how you didn't know his identity yet he was your superior at school? That is confusing to me.


College students don't interact on a one-on-one basis with the "higher ups" in the university administration. I'm pretty sure I could identify at sight the university president and that was about it, unless they were someone I dealt with personally. He was not someone I would ever have come across personally face-to-face, just someone high up in the hierarchy so to speak. We met online and he didn't tell me his real name until I had figured it out for myself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How did you meet online? I still don't understand.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

On an anonymous chat site for our area.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What you describe sounds like a predator. He finds young coeds feeling lonely yet free and suddenly and adult and he prays upon them.

I don't know how you would find his wife since he was careful to hide things from you, but yeah I think she deserves to know, and it might save more girls from this guy's ways.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I think she deserves to know. She's spent at least 16 years with this guy and it sounds like he has his cheating game down to a science. She should know who she's married to. If you tell, please share the specific site that brought you and him together. That information could lead her to more discoveries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I don't know her name but from google I don't think she has the same last name as he does. I live in a different continent now so I'm not sure how to find her, but I know people who know him and I might be able to find out through them. It's all very shady. I'm very ashamed to have been involved in something so sordid. TAM is getting me to rake through all my old muck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Contact her if that is what you feel you must do.

In all likelihood unless you are prepared to give this woman hard and fast evidence that you had an affair with her husband, she simply isn't going to want to believe you ... and will likely respond to you very, very, poorly. That is just how human nature rolls.

Best way you could approach it in my mind is to call her, with the request that her husband stop contacting you. That opens the door for her to ask the 'Why?' question, instead of you calling and trying to convince her that her husband was carrying on an affair with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Best way you could approach it in my mind is to call her, with the request that her husband stop contacting you. That opens the door for her to ask the 'Why?' question, instead of you calling and trying to convince her that her husband was carrying on an affair with you.


But that would be lying to her. Telling the betrayed wife to have her husband stop contacting her when they haven't been in contact in eons. That is just more lies on top of more lies. And would make her hate the Other Woman even more. 



I'm not sure why the OP wants to contact the wife now, after so many years. It seems odd to me.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Jellybeans, I do NOT want to contact her. I don't want any contact with him or with her. But after reading TAM threads, I just wanted to know whether people with experience on the matter thought I SHOULD contact her.

Just because I don't like something doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. It could be a question of a woman's health.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you don't want to contact her, then don't.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

okay Jellybeans, thanks.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

As Jellybeans said " If you don't want to talk to her don't"
I am sure if he is still at his old ways his wife probably caught on or someone told her.
What happened was not YOUR fault. HE lied to you. You did not knowingly try to hurt anyone. Stop worrying about it and enjoy your life you have now. We learn from our mistakes in life. Think of it as a lesson in life and never make that mistake again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ah, glad this is only theory-craft.

No. I would not support lying.

Thought that I read the joker still sends a "How is life?" email every once in a while.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Thought that I read the joker still sends a "How is life?" email every once in a while.


Luckily no, or maybe, I have no idea, don't want to know, as I changed all email/phone etc accounts that he knew about. I have his phone number on my new phone just so that if he does get the number and calls it I will know to block him.

TAM is making me think too much. I'm letting it go back to where it was, dead and buried. If I think about it too much I make myself sick.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Emotions are funny that way.

And I agree, TAM can have an extraordinary influence on how you feel, perceive, or think about a current relationship, or one from the past that left a mark ... be it good or bad.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

omega said:


> Luckily no, or maybe, I have no idea, don't want to know, as I changed all email/phone etc accounts that he knew about. I have his phone number on my new phone just so that if he does get the number and calls it I will know to block him.
> 
> TAM is making me think too much. I'm letting it go back to where it was, dead and buried. If I think about it too much I make myself sick.


Why don't you just block his number anyway? You wouldn't have to even worry about him calling then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I don't think I can actually "block" a number, I should have said "hang up without answering." I don't live in the US, and I've never heard of that here... to be honest I haven't even managed to get voicemail on my cell phone and I've had it for years. If I knew how to block it via the phone company I would have already.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would tell her. What have you got to lose?
She deserves to know, and I would want to know. I would also be very likely to believe it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The guy is a troll.I'd let his wife know.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

When I was in college, I had a similar situation happen. 

25+ years later, I ran into him. I asked how he was doing. 

His marriage had ended, bitterly. Nasty divorce. He had made a lot of money before the divorce, the job market shifted and now he was working for a whole lot less. Ex still wanted a lot of money awarded by the court, but he can't pay it. 

The kicker is he married a marriage therapist. If there's anyone who would recognize a problem, it should be her.

I chatted with him recently. He's been transferred to another state for a new position, and she's moving her practice. 

Whether you tell her or not, it all works out in the end.


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