# From Good to Bad



## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

6 months in and have now started to slide down hill. After hearing about the A, I was very sad and did not want to lose the person I loved. I spent every ounce of my being making sure I worked on the things I needed to work on and focused on saving the relationship. I think I skipped the mourning period of this journey.

Most would think that I am in the ideal situation. My wife says she's committed to me and does not want to be with the OM. I am grateful for this. However, my wife still has feelings for this person as a friend and she says she would like to be able to remain friends with him sometime down the road. This is something I am not comfortable with. I'm not even comfortable with the idea that she would still see that a friendship is important enough to jeopardize our family.

Anyway, I am at a cross roads. She thinks that if I truly loved her like I say I do that I would be able to handle the fact that she has friendly feelings to this person and I should just be thankful that she is willing to say with me. My comments to her were that there should be no friend that is important enough to put in between yourself and your family. Especially one that you cheated with.

I'm not anxious for the responses from this group because I know the "right" answer here. I should be grateful that I have a chance to stay with my wife. I get that from a logical standpoint. However, it kills me that the wife, that is supposed to love me more than anything, feels that this friendship is something that is too important to give up. I look at the friendships I have and there is not a one that I would let stand in the way of my wife and family. Makes me think this is not just a friendship, but the feelings run deeper than that.

Well, this is my decision to make right now. Do I want to save my marriage and live with the fact my wife will always have feelings for this person, or make a break and start over. I know what I should do, but I am not sure I could stop myself from worrying about these feelings down the road. I don't want to live in a constant state of paranoia.

Be kind! People can't always do the right thing. Sometimes they need to do the thing that they can live with.......


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

I know I could not live with that feeling. I'm at the point right now where I believe my wife may be having an affair but I have not confronted her about it. When I do, I will be asking that she never sees or communicates with the other person again. I've imagined a hundred scenarios playing out in my head and can only believe that if she refused to stop seeing this person, I would have to leave. It kills me to think about it, but the feelings I have had since I found out, I know I cannot live with. I am too good of a man to have to deal with a wife who cheated and refuses to take the thorn out of our relationship to allow the wound to heal. I know it will be hard to do, but I know there are other women out there who deserve me more and would make me more happy than a woman who is willing to hurt me.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

nonna,
I feel for you, I'm sort of in the same boat as you.....my husband had an affair for 6 months or so, he has since come out of his fog and has chosen to end it and stay in the marriage and family...
He has promised No Contact and I have complete access to his phone, comp and he is not going anywhere without me anymore, he seems committed to me and says she isn't an issue for him any longer....
I told him right up front that she could never be a part of his life again, for any reasons, under any circumstance....I don't care what the reason or problem might be. He understands that if he choses to have her even as a friend that he is to move out and get out of my life.....no excuses, no second chances.....we actually still live within the separation agreement......he actually pays me alimony and we have separate accounts and finiancial status......he asked for a second chance after we had already decided to call it quits. It's my decision to leave this the way we are doing it, it protects me if he relapses. I think he would like to go back to our old set up but this makes me feel more protected and he said if it makes me feel more secure he will put up with it.....
I'm not sure this will ever change now.....I'm not sure if I will ever trust him 100% again........you can't blame me........
I consider my marriage vows broken, he did sleep with someone else when the promise was to forsake all others....
Everyone has someone that still owns part of them, first love, first wife and so on......
Look at that part like that, but as far as her needing a friendship with him.......NEVER!!!! ........They will not be able to control the feelings and the affair will start up again......
Tell her she has enough friends and that if she needs him than she should leave and move on with her life, it can't be acceptable in a marriage to have the OM in her back pocket.......
If she really loves you she will accept this in order to save the marriage, don't worry about if this is what he wants right now, it's what the marriage needs to survive......
He can't have his cake and eat it to.......


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I gotta say, this was never an option for my H when he had his affair. It was understood that there would be no contact, and he understood that we could not be together and have that person in his life. He never end considered it. IMO your wife needs to choose to cut this person from her life, period, because she needs to have more respect for you and she needs to understand the hurt that this has caused you. Anything less on her part is just selfish.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> 6 months in and have now started to slide down hill. After hearing about the A, I was very sad and did not want to lose the person I loved. I spent every ounce of my being making sure I worked on the things I needed to work on and focused on saving the relationship. I think I skipped the mourning period of this journey.


Hi noona! Yep I remember. I am glad you came back to update us as well as to talk this through. 



> Most would think that I am in the ideal situation. My wife says she's committed to me and does not want to be with the OM. I am grateful for this. However, my wife still has feelings for this person as a friend and she says she would like to be able to remain friends with him sometime down the road. This is something I am not comfortable with. I'm not even comfortable with the idea that she would still see that a friendship is important enough to jeopardize our family.


You do have a very good situation, in that your wife stayed and worked on the marriage. I remember that you had some difficulty accepting that your wife could choose to come home and could choose to focus her efforts and loving actions on you and that feelings would follow. 

In this instance, I have no doubt that she would not think particularly poorly of the OM. After all, he met some of her needs and was kind, polite, etc. toward her (at least that may be the way she remembers it). Of course, in real life, he also was willing to destroy a family and break up a marriage, and cheat with a married woman--so that says a lot about his character too! Thus, not all disloyals eventually grow to "hate" their OP nor do they even dislike them; that's not a requirement.

What IS a requirement--and yes, it is a non-negotiable IMPERATIVE NECESSITY--is that she can never, ever contact the OM again as long as she lives. The idea of "being just friends" is baloney and exactly what started all this to begin with! So actually, nope, this is not even debatable. There is NO CONTACT (even as friends). 




> Anyway, I am at a cross roads. * She thinks that if I truly loved her like I say I do that I would be able to handle the fact that she has friendly feelings to this person *and I should just be thankful that she is willing to say with me. My comments to her were that there should be no friend that is important enough to put in between yourself and your family. Especially one that you cheated with.


See the bolded, underlined statement she made? Ah...NOPE! That is disloyal dizzy talk if ever I heard it. Please take a quick look at my article: What Is An Affair? Note the definition of unfaithfulness: "acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and *dedicated *to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)." Being faithful to your spouse is acting so that ALL of your affection and loyalty is to them. If she's willing to harm you and the marriage "to be friends with the OM" then ALL of her affection is not focused on you...is it? 

Please feel free to show her THIS article if you think it would help: The Purpose Of No Contact There's a good reason why no contact is so important. 



> I'm not anxious for the responses from this group because I know the "right" answer here. I should be grateful that I have a chance to stay with my wife. I get that from a logical standpoint. However, it kills me that the wife, that is supposed to love me more than anything, feels that this friendship is something that is too important to give up. I look at the friendships I have and there is not a one that I would let stand in the way of my wife and family. Makes me think this is not just a friendship, but the feelings run deeper than that.


Honestly? If she's bristling her back a little about this, my guess is that she's already started up contact with him again and now she's looking for a way to "legitimize" it. For example, "Well you SAID we could be friends--I'm just being friends with him for 4 hours a day!" or "I thought you said you loved me enough to not be jealous anymore?" Noona--these are disloyally dizzy statements made specifically to shift the blame from the one committing adultery to the person who is betrayed and rightfully hurt! Soooo...if I were you, I'd double, triple, and quadruple check her PC, cell phone, facebook, etc. looking for evidence of contact again. 



> Well, this is my decision to make right now. Do I want to save my marriage and live with the fact my wife will always have feelings for this person, or make a break and start over. I know what I should do, but I am not sure I could stop myself from worrying about these feelings down the road. I don't want to live in a constant state of paranoia.
> 
> Be kind! People can't always do the right thing. Sometimes they need to do the thing that they can live with.......


Well what do you think? What I kind?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

If you are not comfortable with the friendship, then your wife should respect you enough to end the relationship, especially considering the past. Although I personally think that sometimes after an affair people can remain friends, it has to be agreeable to all people involved (including the spouses). I don't think I would break the relationship because she wants to be friends with this person, but have you discussed with her how this might hurt the trust you have rebuilt and might hinder growth in the future? Have you and her gone to counseling??


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

As the other say. Under no circumstance is she to speak or see him ever again. You should be thankful that she chose you? She should be thankful that your giving a cheating spouse a second chance. Personally I would tell her that she is free to carry on any kind of relationship with him she wants. But one that does not include you as her door mat husband. Tell her that since she apparently hasn't committed to true transparency and reconciliation, that you will free her from her marital burden. The nerve. She is still wanting to eat cake.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am going to wield a 2x4 here. Duck if you need to.
The right answer isn't that YOU should feel grateful that you are given a chance to stay with your wife. SHE should be thanking her lucky stars and kissing the ground that YOU took HER back. 
I am totally blown away that your wife would tell you that if you trully loved her, you would allow her to remain friends with this worthless scumbag and quite frankly gobsmacked that she said that YOU should be thankful that she is WILLING to stay with you. Am I missing something here?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

This is the way they think. Break the spell!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I am going to wield a 2x4 here. Duck if you need to.
> The right answer isn't that YOU should feel grateful that you are given a chance to stay with your wife. *SHE should be thanking her lucky stars and kissing the ground that YOU took HER back.*
> I am totally blown away that your wife would tell you that if you trully loved her, you would allow her to remain friends with this worthless scumbag and quite frankly *gobsmacked that she said that YOU should be thankful that she is WILLING to stay with you. *Am I missing something here?


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I may have been a little unclear with the original post in that she is not requesting to be friends with him right now. She has stopped all contact and realizes that she needs to stay away (even at a friend level). She only expresses how she would one day like to have the opportunity to be friends in the future. She is really very understanding and honest with me. She could have lied and just hid the fact that she has these feelings. Yet she was honest with me. I still have a problem in that I have a gut feeling that in order to still have these feelings, after what she has done with this person to destroy her own family, it must stem from more than just a friendship. Anyway, that's just my gut feeling. Below I have attached a note that I sent in response to one of our discussions.

"As for our talk about your possible desire to be friends with him some time in the future. I still don’t know what or how to communicate to you about this. This has so many implications as to how you view that relationship compared to our marriage and family that I haven’t yet been able to form a stance. I feel really bad about this and I don’t know what this means for my future. I’m not giving up on us, but I am being honest with myself about what our future looks like if you continue with these feelings and eventually expect to have some time of friendship in the future. I don’t know what else to say at this point other than I am trying to contemplate how this will affect us moving forward."


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Noona, 

I skimmed through the replies and read your last post saying she wants the opportunity to be friends with the OM again in the future.

The answer for me would be a resounding NO. Never again will I knowingly let an opportunity for corruption be a part of my marriage. He/she has proved that he/she will take whatever is available to him/them and based on that alone the answer is NEVER AGAIN!

Yes, wouldn't it be lovely if in the abstract we could all be friends and live with honesty and convictions? The reality is they've already proven that didn't work the first time so they've forfeited their "rights" to be "just" friends. Hopefully she will come to realize, as many of us do, that giving a tiny inch leads to a mile and that what he took and she gave lost her more than she comprehends right now.

IMO she's being selfish and wanting things her way. She's overlooking the very obvious hurt to you by her desire to be friends. I think it's natural to want things to be all nice and spiffed up in a civilized little box and that's what she's hoping for I imagine. 

I hope she wakes up and realized that SHE is the lucky one. You forgave and took her back.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Lostandconfused said:


> Noona,
> 
> I skimmed through the replies and read your last post saying she wants the opportunity to be friends with the OM again in the future.
> 
> ...


Good post, Lostandconfused. 

Noona, I can't believe that she figures you should be thankful. And as for wanting to remain friends with him down the line, that tells me that this is far from over. The feelings are still there.

Most of the previous posters have summed up how I feel about your situation. 

It's time for your to do some straight talking with her.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I will break this down for you....again duck if you need to....

I may have been a little unclear with the original post in that she is not requesting to be friends with him right now. (Yes, right now knowing that she is up **** creek) She has stopped all contact and realizes that she needs to stay away. (Again up **** creek). She only expresses how she would one day like to have the opportunity to be friends in the future. (Keeping her options open). She is really very understanding and honest with me. (She cheated on you and still wants to continue this "relationship" with him") She could have lied and just hid the fact that she has these feelings. (She already lied and cheated. She didn't hide anything.) Yet she was honest with me. (By cheating?) I still have a problem in that I have a gut feeling that in order to still have these feelings, after what she has done with this person to destroy her own family, it must stem from more than just a friendship. (She had an affair with this scumbag. That isn't a feeling, it is an action) Anyway, that's just my gut feeling. (Your gut tells you EVERYTHING). Below I have attached a note that I sent in response to one of our discussions.


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