# Full Disclosure And My Dilemma...



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I am doing well. I am doing what needs to be done in my progress to repair the damage I've done, but I am now at an impasse because of my last attempt to be open and honest with my wife. As some of you know, I have committed to be open and honest with my wife and she agreed. Well...

Last time I was honest with her, I was accused of still "looking"...

I suppose we can overlook that I told her I noticed the male clerk at the local auto parts store looking at me "up and down" as I exited the store, but the accusation of..."still looking?" Really? Yeah, a big argument ensued over that.

It left me thinking that perhaps I should just go about doing what I need to do and not telling her...because I really don't need to be told that I am still looking when I am in IC and group twice weekly and I am doing all my assignments in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy).

So yesterday, "that woman" I work with that told me a couple of months ago that she is "always thinking about me" and she gave me hug had to come over to my office to deliver some supplies, right? OK, so...

she walks into my building, stops and says "hi" and asks if I can help her carry dome advertising supplies in. I agree. well, so she "trips" and I ask if she's OK. She tells me she is and then begins to tell me that it's a good thing she only wears her stilettos in bed...Umm...right.

I didn't even touch that with a ten foot pole. I laughed, but didn't even give her anything more to build upon.

So my question is...

Do I risk a full out argument, or simply leave it as it is? this woman isn't aggressively pursuing me, but every time we do encounter one another, she drops these "hints", ya know?

Just a little gun shy and looking for advice, thanks all.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

And before anyone suggests it, I have considered going to HR over it, but I wouldn't like myself if she were fired over this. She works in an entirely separate building and I don't run into her all that often. Like I said, she isn't actively coming on to me, but the last few times we've run into one another, it has been awkward.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I think you might be missing the point.

Women don't just say those kinds of things unless you are putting something out there. A flirt, a look, a pose, the way you talk to women, the way you look at women.

Unless you are some kind of god, I suggest you take a serious look at the message/feel you are putting out there before worrying about what you do and don't tell your wife.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nope, I vote for not telling her.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

And if I have to vote yes or no, I vote no.

But I am sceptical that a woman did that without some sort of stimulus or provocation.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

poida said:


> I think you might be missing the point.
> 
> Women don't just say those kinds of things unless you are putting something out there. A flirt, a look, a pose, the way you talk to women, the way you look at women.
> 
> Unless you are some kind of god, I suggest you take a serious look at the message/feel you are putting out there before worrying about what you do and don't tell your wife.


I guess I'm sending that message to men as well then, yes? Because like I said, I was scoped out "hard" by the male cashier at our local Autozone store, right?

Wrong. I'm leaning toward STRs suggestion...just drop it and carry on with my therapy.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

That a hard one. On one hand you trying your best to earn a thrust back, on the other hand you are getting punished for sharing this information. I would probably share this with a wife if she asked, if not, I would just let it be and be quiet. The right thing to do is to get yourself far away from this coworker, but I am not sure if it possible for you to change a job. If it is you can always tell your wife about this issue and as a solution to this problem is a job change. Than again, I think it is too extreme of solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

life_huppens said:


> That a hard one. On one hand you trying your best to earn a thrust back, on the other hand you are getting punished for sharing this information. I would probably share this with a wife if she asked, if not, I would just let it be and be quiet. The right thing to do is to get yourself far away from this coworker, but I am not sure if it possible for you to change a job. If it is you can always tell your wife about this issue and as a solution to this problem is a job change. Than again, I think it is too extreme of solution.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is quite a pickle...And for the record, I've decided to seek employment elsewhere. I've been with the company for 16 years and I'm ready to move on anyway. Like I mentioned, it is fortunate that she works in another building about a mile away, so I am not subjected to her "not so subtle" hints on a regular basis.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mountain 
Sorry but you are sending out a signals that you are open to flirting and maybe more. This is not an accusation but information for your benefit. 

There are men that women never flirt with even though they are very attractive. They present a pleasant but businesslike attitude. These men give out clear signals that they are not open to flirting. I notice that even the most bold and determined flirts are shut down effectively after a few words in the wrong direction with these guys. 

There are men who invite flirting, some subtly and some more obviously. The subtle ones often claim total ignorance as to why it happens. It's all about boundaries. You know when things are headed in a direction it shouldn't from the first gaze. That's the time to shut it down. It can be done nonverbally. Something as simple as breaking eye contact, acting aloof or seeing but not seeing (ignoring).

You mentioned a need for attention as a form of self validation and that you were working on that in therapy. It might be worth bring this up and exploring honestly what you might be doing to invite female attention. Although honestly is the best course to take, I read somewhere that some forms of deception are relationship positive. If you are actively working on this in therapy, I can see no good coming out of upsetting your wife.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> I guess I'm sending that message to men as well then, yes? Because like I said, I was scoped out "hard" by the male cashier at our local Autozone store, right?
> 
> Wrong. I'm leaning toward STRs suggestion...just drop it and carry on with my therapy.


I didn't expect you would be open to this suggestion. 

A bit like my wife would be very defensive about flirting (wasn't even aware of it and didn't see anything wrong with it). It was only when people told her flat out that she was a flirt (when we were in therapy) that I shrugged my shoulders and gave in.

Look, keep my thoughts in mind and see if you observe yourself doing otherwise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

poida said:


> And if I have to vote yes or no, I vote no.
> 
> But I am sceptical that a woman did that without some sort of stimulus or provocation.


I have had plenty of men do that kind of thing over the years with absolutely no provocation on my part.

If some men can be that forward, then so can women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MountainRunner said:


> I guess I'm sending that message to men as well then, yes? Because like I said, I was scoped out "hard" by the male cashier at our local Autozone store, right?


I find it odd that some clerk at the store was checking you out. I wonder if you have a way of misinterpreting people's actions.



MountainRunner said:


> Wrong. I'm leaning toward STRs suggestion...just drop it and carry on with my therapy.


I agree to not say anything about it to HR.

If the woman does it again, you could tell her that what she's saying is inappropriate for the work place. If you could only get it on a VAR, then you'd have evidence.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is stupid and nothing and not a threat.

You didn't invite the pass or catch it.

It is a non issue.

I actually caught a pass a few months ago and felt it necessary to talk to Mrs. Conan about it.

I haven't cheated but I do talk about some of the funnier times I get hit on with her. 

People don't need to hear every time their SO gets looked at or even every pass made. Just troublesome episodes and passes that are caught need dealt with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mads (Jul 27, 2015)

If you are moving on with therapy and not inviting this type of behavior, then I see no reason to worry your wife. If you keep bringing up these instances which may or may not be flirting or overt passes (Autozone guy could be sizing you up for a fight for all you know) then I think she will never be allowed to heal from your indiscretion. However, I would say to keep talking to your T and here about these instances to keep yourself in check.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Easy way to shut her down is to talk about your wife.

E.g. 
Her: "Oh, I wear stilettos in bed"
You: "My wife walks in stilettos with no problem, looks fantastic in them too"

Her: "I think about you often"
You: "I only fantasize about my wife, she rocks my world"

Bam, she'll never bother you again.

As for telling your wife about it, I wouldn't. I don't need or want to know about every woman that flirts or checks out DH. I'm sure there are plenty and I don't need to torture myself over every incident. As for a guy checking him out, that would just be amusing.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's actually so incredibly easy to stop someone from flirting with you when you're married. I remember one guy just holding up his hand showing me his wedding ring (which I honestly hadn't looked for before flirting, silly me), and that was all it took. I apologised and left him alone.

Is it possible you aren't doing this because you don't want to burn your bridges? Are you keeping your options open?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You guys hugged? Again? It's not clear from your op.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> Sorry but you are sending out a signals that you are open to flirting and maybe more.


Sorry, I disagree with this statement completely, and the several others suggesting you are somehow responsible or doing something to encourage this.

Such accusations are akin to blaming the rape victim because she "wore provocative clothes".

Some people are uncouth, and have bad manners/improper behaviour regardless of anything "you" may be happening to do.

If you are a mighty fine piece of man-meat, then, naturally, you can expect women of loose morals or poor upbringing to virtually throw themselves on your penis. Or, gay workers at the local autoparts store making subtle hints in the hopes you swing in their direction. 

This is no different than, say, throwing a giant spotlight in the middle of an empty field at night. Its going to collect all the bugs. Given you undoubtedly sweat pure testosterone, your man-musk is akin to this spotlight, attracting the weak-willed from miles away.

It is (*sigh*) sadly an affliction many of us have to deal with.

I see no upside to sharing this with your wife. It seems you handled it appropriately - you brushed off the advance. 

If you wanted to escalate, you could have told her you don't appreciate such comments as you are a married man and you find them uncomfortable. 

The problem there is, by saying anything to this woman, you could find yourself in HR with her claiming you sexually harassed HER. And, trust me, you don't want to go there, because you are instantly presumed guilty, and chances are the company would simply fire you solely on her word, despite your 16 years of service.

And how would you explain *that* one to the missus?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Like EleGirl said, I get flirted with at work and have for years when I was still clearly married - rings, pictures of him in my office - with no provocation of my own.

MR, a good way to have shut her down when she made that stilettos comment would have been to say, "My wife wears stilettos in bed, too! My favorites are the ones with the steel heels we picked out together." That would have been the last time she came on to you.

Make a joke, but make it clear you are married and have no interest in cheating, or even continuing to flirt.

Once I was on an elevator with a coworker and he said "I love it when you wear blouses like that. I just want to rip those buttons off with my teeth." I go, "My husband does that. That's why I keep getting new blouses. By the way, you should be very careful who you say this kind of stuff to." I should have gone to HR, but I knew he was a single parent of a young kid, so I blew it off. He never said anything like that to me again. About a month later, he was fired because he said something like that to someone who had the guts to report him.

I never told my husband about any of that, but I was never attracted to him or tempted by him in any way. Maybe that's the litmus test - if you feel attracted to this woman, tell your wife.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I read a post a while ago where a woman was being flirted with in the workplace and gave all sorts of reasons why she couldn't shut him down, but in the end, it ended up that she liked the attention. Her husband didn't believe anyone who told him this initially of course, but eventually she admitted it.

It's actually not really akin to "blaming the rape victim". He's not being forced into anything, but the fact is, he's not actually saying 'no', in any way shape or form, when it is quite a simple thing really. "I'm not interested"... even that, simple, to the point, done.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I laughed, but didn't even give her anything more to build upon."

Wrong response! Your laughter was all she needed to tell herself that you don't mind that sort of titillating convo. 

Better response: "TMI. Please feel free to not share that type of info with me."

The next time the damsel is in distress, tell her you're busy. You don't have to be liked by everyone, you know.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> And before anyone suggests it, I have considered going to HR over it, but I wouldn't like myself if she were fired over this. She works in an entirely separate building and I don't run into her all that often. Like I said, she isn't actively coming on to me, but the last few times we've run into one another, it has been awkward.


Step 1. Tell HER. Hey your actions, while probably entirely innocent on your part, make me uncomfortable. Please stop with the innuendo.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you have any horndog single friends? Give her one of their phone numbers and tell her they can scratch her itch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> You guys hugged? Again? It's not clear from your op.


Absolutely not. I was prepared this time and I initially remained in my office chair and greeted her. I mentioned the "hug" from my previous encounter with her.

Anyway, thank for the feedback folks. Nothing happened, I laughed it off and dismissed it, end of story. I was just concerned because if I didn't tell my wife and she somehow ever found out, I was fearful of being accused of hiding something...and I promised to never do that again.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MR

I agree with the advice you have been given. Perhaps you can work this out in therapy so you can learn some good basic ways to shut that down. 

It almost seems you are hypervigilant for any signs of flirting from other people to the point where it would grate on my nerves if I was your wife. Because it makes it seem like you are afraid you can't handle yourself.

As for the Autozone clerk, didn't you post that you were wearing "short, shorts"? I've seen guys in them and yes, men and women look and often stare because they are uber revealing. Sort of like seeing a woman in a tube top and Daisy Dukes, it doesn't matter what she looks like she is begging to be noticed and it shows.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> "I laughed, but didn't even give her anything more to build upon."
> 
> Wrong response! Your laughter was all she needed to tell herself that you don't mind that sort of titillating convo.
> 
> ...


This is a perfect example of how to handle it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Keep working on these issues in therapy. And keep clear boundaries with this woman and any other flirts. I agree with others to shut her down immediately next time. No laughter, no chuckling, no helping her carry things.

And I see no need to tell your wife about this person. It's obviously a trigger for your wife, so telling her about it is hurtful for her and re-opens the wounds.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

agreed with the crowd. Laughing at her comments is encouragement. You need to cut if off sharply, make it clear that it is not welcomed.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

If you promised to never hide anything like this again, then you should tell her. I agree with everyone that it wouldn't normally be necessary, but you gave her your word. So unless your a liar, your bound to uphold your commitment.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I find it is very effective to shut down flirting by giving a very direct look, no smile, and saying "Excuse me?" (while giving off an "I can't believe you said that" vibe). For the 1% of people who don't get that message, and actually repeat what they said, I'll either do it again until they say, "Never mind," or I'll say something dismissive, like, "That's not what I'd expect to hear at work." 

As an attractive woman, I have had to shut down numerous male flirts at various work sites. It's not hard if you really mean it. The fact that this woman has been a problem before tells me you may not be trying very hard. Rather than getting defensive and claiming it's like "blaming the victim," try harder. I know darn well I don't feel like a victim when I'm shutting down a flirter, and I have no hesitation in going to HR if needed. Being a victim and acting like one are two entirely different things. 

And, FYI, it would be good to move on after 16 years esp. if you are trying to change the perception people have of you-a new work place and new interpersonal skills will set you off on a good start. Business-like and professional must be your approach at all times. Good luck!


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