# looking for reconciliation and patience through God



## lostwithouthim

I've been reading this book called Love Life for Every Married Couple by Ed Wheat and I highly recommend it. You can get it really cheaply now, I paid 1p for the book and about £6 postage, lol. 
Anyway, There's a chapter in the book called "how to save your marriage alone". I've now read this about 3 times and still find new things to focus on.
One thing I lack is patience. I've been praying hard and leaving my husband in God's hands. I've also asked God to reach out to my husband and touch his heart.
You see my husband used to be a good Christian, he was involved in the Church admin and other jobs and was always there to lend a hand if it was needed.
Two things happened during this time that made him question his faith. Some people were not being very Christian in the Church and this partly lead to him losing his faith.
Another thing that happened was that he spent a lot of time with some new friends that aren't Christian and this has also influenced him so he doesn't act like my husband anymore.
I hope and pray that he will find his faith again and that it will bring him closer to God and to me.
I haven't got patience, I want things to happen almost straight away but I know that God wants us to have patience whilst he sorts this mess out.
He came round to the house today to sort out changing the bills over to my name. He's also asked me if I will go to an advice centre together to get some advice on our separate benefits. This no longer upsets me when he talks this way as the book says you have to let them go before they come back to you.
I am hoping that any reconciliation we do have will be a slow and steady process and maybe even going to see a counsellor together to sort out our problems before he moves back home.
The book gives me hope and that's what is keeping me going. I haven't once begged him to come back and I am showing him peace and kindness each time he comes round.
He is doing some work for a member of our Church at the moment and I'm hoping and praying that she can connect with him in some way.
I saw my Christian counsellor for the first time today and it was very uplifting. She said that when I spoke of the Keswick convention that we went to last year, I suddenly became alive. I want to go to a convention near us in the next month or two just for a weekend to be spirit filled and refreshed, does anyone know of any that are coming up near the Midlands?
Blessings to you all xx


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## 2ntnuf

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you continue the counseling. It will help no matter the outcome. 

Not begging him is very important. Work on you and stay with the counseling. Do a search on "the 180". You may want to take this to a different area of the forum. 

There is not much info to go on in your post other than what you are doing. I think you are doing okay for now, but there is so much more you can do for yourself. 

You may want to take this to a different area of the forum. If you would like more help, you may want to start a thread in general and see where it goes. You can always ask a moderator to move it or you can delete it and start another in a different section. 

You may want to ask questions in the ladies forum. Emotions run high here as you might expect. I imagine you are going through he!l. If you can keep some perspective and open up a little, you will find an enormous amount of help and useful information. 

Read some of the "stickies" in the CWI forum, for instance. Ask a simple question in the ladies forum or in general just to get the ball rolling. You will find plenty of help. 

Remember to keep your perspective and let folks help you. You can get through, past, around or over whatever the issues are in your marriage. Use all the information available here. Much of it is not touted as Christian, but I think, if you take a good look at the stuff, you will realize it is good information. Much of it can help you to get through your situation.

Like I said, you will get a higher response in other sections. Counseling is and excellent idea and I am glad you are going. I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

Oh, I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just know how confused I was when I came here. 

Edit: I should have proof-read this. Sorry about that. I am tired right now. I didn't get much sleep last night.


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## somethingelse

Are you and your H separated? Could you tell us a bit more in detail what kinds of ways he has been acting strange? 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you and your husband also.


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## lostwithouthim

Hi both of you  Thanks for the reply 2ntnuf and the helpful advice  Something else, yes we are newly separated, it will be 3 weeks on Tuesday. I think I went into more detail in my other post on here under the thread "sex need". 2ntnuf, thanks also for the prayer  I am reluctant to post in another section as there are some bitter forum members who will tell me I'm better off without him, etc. I have already left one forum as everytime I posted up something, there was always someone to tell me to divorce him. It's only early days and I'm still hopeful.


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## 2ntnuf

lost,
You will find many members who are bitter. It's very difficult to be objective and not take it personally. It seems many people are looking directly into our souls. Many times, they are just making educated guesses. If they hit home, there must be something to what they are saying. That doesn't mean they are right or wrong. They are trying to force you to look at the problem and act quickly. If you don't act quickly enough, you can lose everything. Their advice is usually good. 

I'm going to look for your thread. Maybe I can get some insight into what is going on.


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## 2ntnuf

lostwithouthim,

This is your post from the thread Sex Need?:

"I didn't realise how important sex was in a marriage until my husband left me. He didn't talk to me about how important it was and this year he just left and sent me a letter explaining how he felt. He said we've been living together as friends for 4 years and he doesn't want that anymore. He came back after a week and said that he missed me and can we give it another go. during that time he was back, I regularly had sex with him and supplied him with his needs. He left me again recently and told me he was leaving by text message. He said it is too late, he doesn't feel anything for me anymore and he feels that we have grown apart. 
Before you start blaming me, I need to explain a few things. He has not worked for quite a number of years and I've been getting fed up of struggling to just get by on what we've got. We've had to borrow money just to pay for Christmas presents and sold some gold to pay for his car tax. I have always showed him love in other ways, just not in the bedroom.
He got very depressed last year and brought me down with him. I didn't feel like having sex with him for a few reasons. I've been on the mini pill and didn't feel safe on it, I've now changed to the injection and found that much safer. I am 40+ years old and didn't want to get pregnant again. I've had a very low libido and was always stressed and too tired. I have suffered with thrush on and off and this is very painful at times. I know all these are excuses and I should have gone to the doctor before, but I was worried that it could've been something more serious. I fell out of the habit of having sex and kept saying that my medical issues sorted, but I never did.
This year when my husband first mentioned that things weren't right in our relationship and that he just wanted to be friends, I got a wake up call. I changed from the pill to the injection that helped my libido and my nervousness about getting pregnant again. I still got tired, stressed and depressed, but I tried to combat this for my husband's sake. My son has high functioning autism and this can be really stressful at times.
I have only recently been to get tests to make sure that it's thrush and nothing untoward. I go to college full time, so I had to wait until the Easter hols to get to an appointment. I did try to get an appointment before, but it was always when I was at college and then I would leave it a while before I would ring them back up again to try to make another appt.
We have been married for 21 years and I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I do regret not going to the doctor sooner. I didn't realise it had been that long without having an intimate relationship and this has now come as a complete shock to me.
I don't want my marriage to be over. My husband is a good man usually, but lately he has become very distant. I know he hasn't got anyone else and I think it could be a midlife crisis. 
If only he had sat down with me ages ago and talked about these things, then I feel we would have been able to save our marriage.
I'm trying to leave it to God now, but I'm finding it very hard to do. My husband is sending me mixed messages, I know he still cares about me and I am still hoping that this is not the end.
I keep telling myself that God would not want to see us separate as marriage is sacred IMO. however one of the above posts suggests that I have broken one of our marriage vows. Should I stop trying or keep on living in hope? It is the hope that is keeping me going, though at times I still feel very depressed and not motivated to do anything. 
I have been praying hard and I just want a second or a third chance to prove myself that I can be all that my husband feels a wife should be. He says it's not just about the sex, but he says he can't tell me what else it is about as he doesn't know.
I've never had an affair and I admit that I have been fed up with our life before, but now I feel I can't live without him and I just want him back. I still love him and my heart skipped a beat when he came to pick up our son on Sunday.
He's also stopped going to Church this year because of other issues going on in his life.
I have other Christian friends coming round to talk, pray and read the bible with me. 
There's a waiting list for all counsellors in this area. I have been trying to get to see a counsellor long before all this started.
I have been offered to see a Christian counsellor, but she was meant to ring me today and didn't. She is going to arrange some counselling for Friday, but can only see me for 3 weeks as she is going on holiday.
Sorry about the long post. It only happened last Tuesday and I'm still in a state of shock and confusion."


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## lostwithouthim

2ntnuf said:


> lostwithouthim,
> 
> This is your post from the thread Sex Need?:
> 
> "I didn't realise how important sex was in a marriage until my husband left me. He didn't talk to me about how important it was and this year he just left and sent me a letter explaining how he felt. He said we've been living together as friends for 4 years and he doesn't want that anymore. He came back after a week and said that he missed me and can we give it another go. during that time he was back, I regularly had sex with him and supplied him with his needs. He left me again recently and told me he was leaving by text message. He said it is too late, he doesn't feel anything for me anymore and he feels that we have grown apart.
> Before you start blaming me, I need to explain a few things. He has not worked for quite a number of years and I've been getting fed up of struggling to just get by on what we've got. We've had to borrow money just to pay for Christmas presents and sold some gold to pay for his car tax. I have always showed him love in other ways, just not in the bedroom.
> He got very depressed last year and brought me down with him. I didn't feel like having sex with him for a few reasons. I've been on the mini pill and didn't feel safe on it, I've now changed to the injection and found that much safer. I am 40+ years old and didn't want to get pregnant again. I've had a very low libido and was always stressed and too tired. I have suffered with thrush on and off and this is very painful at times. I know all these are excuses and I should have gone to the doctor before, but I was worried that it could've been something more serious. I fell out of the habit of having sex and kept saying that my medical issues sorted, but I never did.
> This year when my husband first mentioned that things weren't right in our relationship and that he just wanted to be friends, I got a wake up call. I changed from the pill to the injection that helped my libido and my nervousness about getting pregnant again. I still got tired, stressed and depressed, but I tried to combat this for my husband's sake. My son has high functioning autism and this can be really stressful at times.
> I have only recently been to get tests to make sure that it's thrush and nothing untoward. I go to college full time, so I had to wait until the Easter hols to get to an appointment. I did try to get an appointment before, but it was always when I was at college and then I would leave it a while before I would ring them back up again to try to make another appt.
> We have been married for 21 years and I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I do regret not going to the doctor sooner. I didn't realise it had been that long without having an intimate relationship and this has now come as a complete shock to me.
> I don't want my marriage to be over. My husband is a good man usually, but lately he has become very distant. I know he hasn't got anyone else and I think it could be a midlife crisis.
> If only he had sat down with me ages ago and talked about these things, then I feel we would have been able to save our marriage.
> I'm trying to leave it to God now, but I'm finding it very hard to do. My husband is sending me mixed messages, I know he still cares about me and I am still hoping that this is not the end.
> I keep telling myself that God would not want to see us separate as marriage is sacred IMO. however one of the above posts suggests that I have broken one of our marriage vows. Should I stop trying or keep on living in hope? It is the hope that is keeping me going, though at times I still feel very depressed and not motivated to do anything.
> I have been praying hard and I just want a second or a third chance to prove myself that I can be all that my husband feels a wife should be. He says it's not just about the sex, but he says he can't tell me what else it is about as he doesn't know.
> I've never had an affair and I admit that I have been fed up with our life before, but now I feel I can't live without him and I just want him back. I still love him and my heart skipped a beat when he came to pick up our son on Sunday.
> He's also stopped going to Church this year because of other issues going on in his life.
> I have other Christian friends coming round to talk, pray and read the bible with me.
> There's a waiting list for all counsellors in this area. I have been trying to get to see a counsellor long before all this started.
> I have been offered to see a Christian counsellor, but she was meant to ring me today and didn't. She is going to arrange some counselling for Friday, but can only see me for 3 weeks as she is going on holiday.
> Sorry about the long post. It only happened last Tuesday and I'm still in a state of shock and confusion."


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostwithouthim

lostwithouthim said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf

lost,

You're going to get "beat up" with this subject here. Many here are angry that they have not had sex in a long time, but have provided for their spouse. It is normal to feel slighted. After years of not getting what a person needs, it is difficult for them to stay faithful. 

It is only natural that a person would want to stray. Sex is actually a physical need. Our bodies need the release of endorphines that comes along with sex. Those chemicals make us feel many emotions. We feel wanted and happy. We feel important to the one we pledged our love to and committed to. 

The unfortunate thing is, we all have limits of how much we can take. Some can hang in there for years not getting that intimate connection of sex. Others cannot. I know you said four years.

You definitely need help, but as you well know, it might possibly be too late for your husband. All you can do either way, is work on yourself. You can't control what he does. I guess I'm stating the obvious since you want him to be with you, but he's not. 

Sorry for being blunt, but you have to wake up a little. You need to understand that you could win him back later, but the odds are against you and it would take hard, hard work on you just to even have a chance with him.

That doesn't mean you are broken. You're not. You either got off track somehow because your needs weren't being met, or maybe you weren't being treated properly? No one knows the details but you. 

Tailoring a specific program to fit you takes details. It takes a willingness to do whatever it takes withing good boundaries you have set for yourself. It takes knowing what you really want. It takes learning and understanding new things. It is extremely difficult. It may not work to bring your husband back.

If you do the work, you will become a better person. You will become more attractive in more than just the physical sense. You will understand more about yourself and know how to find the happiness you are missing.

You will take a lot of verbal attacks. You will have to be strong enough to step back from it and look on as an observer of someone else's life. 

After all of that, there is still no guarantee that he will come back. You will be a better person. Maybe this isn't the right thing for you? Maybe you need something more than this place can give?

There is nothing wrong with trying to make a better you. You may find you like yourself much more than you did. Only you can decide what to do. It takes courage and conviction.

I'm so glad you are in counseling.


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## 2ntnuf

lost,

I'm not eve sure why you would want to continue trying. He sounds like he has quite a few issues. You can't change him.

Depression seems like a major problem for him. You can't fix him. Let me see if I can help. I'm not sure I can.


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## 2ntnuf

lost,
Hang in there. I'll see if I can get a woman's help. You need a woman's perspective here.


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## 2ntnuf

Are you open to help from a secular perspective?

Edit: You do realize that you have done nothing that can't be forgiven, don't you? That is, even IF you have done something wrong. I personally don't think you have. God wants to forgive us. Keep that in mind while you are working on this stuff. I truly don't think you have committed some grievous sin. Don't give up. You seem depressed. That is something you will have to address. You may be codependent as well. There are many possibilities. Keep strong and as open minded as you can. I truly am pulling for you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Hey, lostwithouthim!

Welcome to TAM! I'm sorry you're suffering right now, but there is always a way to make your life better; you just have to be willing to try!

*2ntnuf* gave you THE BEST ADVICE you're ever going to find ANYWHERE: "*All you can* do either way, *is work on yourself*."

Your UserName gives me pause; God created you as MORE than just your husband's wife! You were special and unique and important to people BEFORE you met him, you are NOW, and you WILL BE even if you and your h never reconcile. Please do not DISMISS that!

YOU need to be healthy and happy WITH YOURSELF and FOR yourself.

You need to be healthy and happy as a MOTHER to your son.

You need to be healthy and happy as a wife to your husband (if he chooses to reconcile). An unattractive, unhappy, depressed wife is NOT something he is going to be attracted to going back to. And even if he NEVER chooses to come back, an unattractive, unhappy depressed woman is NOT good for you, your son, your family, your friends, your employer, your neighbors, your God. 

Every day, you need to BEHAVE your way into a happier, healthier, more-fulfilled life.

Physically: exercise regularly (walking is FREE) and eat healthily; you're modeling GOOD behavior for your son AND it will help you FEEL BETTER!

Mentally: you're studying hard to make a better life for yourself and your son in the future! Good job! Give yourself a mental "atta-girl" when you do well...you EARNED it!

Emotionally: are you on medication for your depression? Exercise works as a mood-lifter, too. Take some time EVERY DAY for YOU (soak in a tub, work in the garden for 30 min., go for a walk, read part of a book, put on some music you love, fix a special meal, do SOMETHING to acknowledge that YOU are important to YOU!)

Spiritually: make time for God in your life. Maybe start the day (before you even roll out of bed) with prayer or a religious reading. End your day with a prayer of THANKSGIVING to God for everything that went well for you and your son that day. Take time DURING THE DAY to bring God into your mind: Admiring a beautiful flower or view? God made it! Son made you laugh? Thank God for blessing you with him! Having a hard time? Acknowledge it to God and tell Him you're going to hang tough because YOU KNOW you can succeed in being better than you were yesterday, or last week, or last year!

Financially: are you making good short- and long-term financial plans for yourself and your son?

Spend less time/energy/effort concentrating on RECONCILING with your husband (leave it to God...He has a plan) and MORE time/energy/effort on creating a better lostwithouthim! She is an important person in HER OWN and HER SON'S life. She needs to be THE BEST lostwithouthim she can be...whether her h reconciles with her or not. BECAUSE SHE has to be strong for HERSELF and strong for HER SON. Either ALONE or in tandem with her h or with someone else in the future.

*Bottom line: Be a woman that ANY MAN would be proud to be married to and ANY SON would be proud to have as a mother! THAT will glorify God!*

Good luck! I hope this helps and I hope you find HOPE, COURAGE, ENTHUSIASM, SUPPORT, WISDOM here at TAM!


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## 2ntnuf

lost,

SGW gave you very good advice. It's well worth considering. I'd like to mention the book, "Codependent No More" by, Melody Beattie. It will center you on yourself and is not totally from a secular stand-point. It may open your eyes to what is truly happening within yourself. It can't hurt you even if it is not you.


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## somethingelse

Lost,

You probably feel like this is all your fault, and you have done something to push your husband away, but nothing that I have read makes me think that his leaving has anything to do with you. Your husband is in a spiritual battle right now. It could be depression, adultery, anything. Whatever it is, it has a strong hold on him. Sometimes as Christians, we have to let our loved ones go into the darkness in order for them to come back to the light. It is one of the hardest things we have to do at times, but it is sometimes necessary. 

1 Corinthians 5:4-6 Turn Him Over to Satan . . . that He Might be Saved

You are a God fearing, gentle and loving woman. You have to forgive yourself for what you Feel contributed to this, and know that God is in control of this. He will do what is right for you and your husband. Who knows your husband better than God? Who knows YOU better than God? 

You have to start concentrating on living your life without your husband now. It doesn't mean you have to give up hope for your marriage. Pray for your husband every day, and God will do the rest. And remember that He is always thinking of your needs as well. He will provide for you. He loves you unconditionally and wants you to be drawn to Him no matter what may be going on in your life. 

Here are some scriptures that might be of comfort to you,

Luke 12:6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 

Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 7:7-11:

7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 

Romans 5:1-5:

1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


My heart goes out to you Lost. My thoughts and prayers are also with you and your husband.


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks for the posts  I was ready to give up on this forum as well. I do get depressed, I have been for a long time. I am on medication at the moment, but it only works when I'm feeling ok, if that makes sense.
Some of your posts make me sound like I'm sitting there wallowing in my own self pity and not getting on without him. When I first joined this group, it was only about a week since he has left and i was still lost without him.
My son has autism and his behaviour was going out of control because his world had just been turned upside down! I've always had my husband's support there to help me with him and a major part of my life has gone.
You asked why I want him back. The reason is simple, I still love him.
I am carrying on life without him and I'm not waiting around for him to come back, but I do hold onto a bit of hope that one day he will.
I feel he does need to find God again and get some help himself either through tablets or a counsellor.
It might even help if we went to counselling together as he's never really expressed how he was feeling about me, this whole thing has come out of the blue. I got dumped by text for goodness sake!!
I go for plenty of walks, partly because I don't drive and have to go everywhere by bus. I walked up to the Church this morning as they have got a monthly course going on at the mo. I eat fairly healthily. I am losing weight, but this is because I want to and not because I'm moping around. 
Tonight me and my son are ordering a takeaway and sitting in front of the tv. This has now become our saturday night ritual, though obviously we don't order takeaways every week!
When my husband comes round, I stay calm, don't beg or plead with him and we still both enjoy each others company. We are both going to the advice centre together to get our benefits sorted out. I feel that even if I do want him back, I have to convince him that I don't!
I am trying to stay positive about this, which is why I can't cope with negativity.
I am hoping to go for a weekend away soon with my son, preferably on a convention or a christian rally. I feel that I need that spiritual side to uplift me and carry me forward 
Blessing to you all xx


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## FormerSelf

Once again, I too, am having faith in reconciliation. Have been separated once already for a six month period. Wife has been a sex addict, online affairs. Having reconciled much of it...and following Love Must Be Tough...it laid the groundwork for reconciliation and wife joined Sex helpgroups...but still had been unable to deal with past hurts of childhood sex abuse...and lives with persistent PTSD. And that is the hard part, because although she has addiction tendencies and I have codependence tendencies...things have been so much more balanced and we are on the cusp of a financial breakthrough (because her addiction tendencies had really piled up the debt)...but I think it is missing the "roller coaster chaos" component that she is familiar with, doing nearly a year of routine normality...because this is almost cyclical, her need to pull the eject lever...to suddenly not trust me and not share my optimism...to say that it would be better for the both of us to bail out. Frustrated here. So now we are doing this "live under the same roof" thing until she can financially break free. I am really sad about this...cos I have always stood by may marital commitment...and cannot see starting over with someone else. And although she is tired of being sick...she just wants to end it and do her usual "start fresh." She says she is doing it because we are dysfunctional and we won't ever achieve growth as long as we are together...and although sure that sounds mature, she always has a way of making these disasterous decisions on ground of "civil maturity."


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## lostwithouthim

Sorry to hear you are going through a struggle with your wife  It does sound like she has a lot of problems to deal with. Is she seeing a counsellor to help her get through her childhood abuse? It is hard living under the same roof with someone that wants to break free, but at least you've got a better chance of making it work than her living apart.
Get a copy of the book I mentioned above. It has been a real comfort to me and has help me see hope that maybe there is a way.
Whilst she is living with you, give her lots of space. Act as if you couldn't care less. Start going out more and become a man of mystery. Go around the house singing or humming cheerfully. This will make her suspicious and hopefully she will start to wonder what she is missing. Try not to get into a depression and if you feel like that then go out for a walk to lift your mood. Start dressing smartly when you go out.
If she won't get help, then don't keep on at her to go. Don't beg her to stay, if she does leave tell her that you still love her but if she will be happier leaving you then that would make you happy. Do the 180 that people keep on about on this forum. Find comfort and solitude in prayer and be with God as much as you can. Even attend extra Church services if you have to.
I hope that both your wife and my husband will wake up one day and realised what they are missing. God bless


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## FormerSelf

Thanks for the advice...and yeah I have done all that in the past which really led her to want to reconcile after a six month separation. But since my last post, our conversation has evolved...as she is showing signs of wanting to stay in the marriage...but had been hopeless that things would improve. She has a lot of hurts...and is extremely hypervigilant concerning her past childhood abuse...and my issues just flips her survival/safety switch. We have talked lately about the negative effects of codependency, but also I have getting a lot from Boundaries in Marriage and she has been reading a book about what keeps strong attachment going in marriage. What we have reading puts a lot of what we have been doing in focus: Basically, we have been blaming each other for the marital downfall, and not taking much responsibility for our own harmful attitudes and behaviors. This creates conflict and a dance of arguments...but the danger zone is when the conflict settles without resolution...when we go into our separate corners...and the relationship starts to die. I have also been reading a book called Stepping Up...a great book for men struggling with identity and purpose...it really opened my eyes to the consequences of male passivity. One day at a time.


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## lostwithouthim

Good to hear from you former self  Sounds like things could be moving in the right direction  I am hoping that my prodigal husband comes back after 6 months, but I don't want this stranger back which is what he has become. Definitely take one day at a time and don't rush things. Let your wife do all the chasing. It's good as well that you're talking, that was the problem in our marriage that my husband didn't feel the need to express how he felt until it was too late. Do you recommend the boundaries in marriage book for my situation? If not, is there any book that you can recommend I read? I do like positive books at the moment and I used to lose myself in fiction but I've found I've turned to factual books lately. I feel this separation will give me a chance to "find myself" again and change for the better. Hopefully my husband will like the new me enough to want to reconcile. God bless


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## FormerSelf

Yeah, I've definitely learned from my mistakes...as when she originally left me, I begged and pleaded and did all sorts of things that repelled her. At the time, I followed Love Must Be Tough which helped me learn about not acting in ways that would diminish my respect and foster relational claustrophobia.

The book, Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book of Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships is a terrific book on codependency, underscoring how important it is to grow as healthy individuals...and not relying on our spouse to complete our emptiness. This book really helped me during our separation, putting me in a good place of acceptance. A lot of people recommended The Love Dare...but I really don't recommend that if your spouse is very reactive to emotional crowding...or just do the first couple steps about refraining from negative comments or complaints. 

Boundaries in Marriage is a really great book because it talks about living in a relationship that is free...and that really strikes a chord with me because I know that God gave us free will to choose him or not...and that applies to our spouses as well. It teaches us to respect other boundaries...but at the same time, learning to create our own boundaries...healthy boundaries. It also says that separation can be a good thing in that you can use the time to develop your identity and lay down a framework of what you will and will not allow in your marriage.

There are no guarantees...even when we do all the right things...but the most vital part is seeking wholeness and acceptance regardless of our struggling spouses' choice. My wife one second feels like working it out, the next she is seized with a desire to pack up and disappear. She says she knows its not anything that I have done per se, but our issues comingled with her major intimacy fears...just triggers her to seek the escape hatch. I must admit her behavior when she is in survival mode scares me...and I have spent a lot of our marriage steering and controlling things just to avoid those hidden landmines that just pop up suddenly...and it had made me very cued into her emotions...which killed her respect and sense of safety. Instead, I should have done the healthy thing, stood up to her horrible behavior, set boundaries and a gameplan whether she chose to get help or not. I guess we'll see if it is too late or not, but I know my heart and God knows my heart...and I just have to have a submitted faith that His will will take place in my situation...as it will in yours. But we don't have to stand idly by...we can seek tools, support, resources...use the time for our betterment and really put ourselves in a healthy place that is free from bondage, codpendency, and anxiety. That's my mission anyhow.


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## lostwithouthim

Sounds like a good plan  I'll buy one of the books you mentioned above today, thanks for the recommendations  Good luck in your mission. Just a thought, if your wife ever makes an appt to see her doctor, ring up ahead of her and ask to speak to her doctor. Tell her doctor about your concerns regarding her child abuse and other issues. The doctor can address the problem when your wife goes to see her in a subtle way so your wife will not know that it's come from you. There is help out there for child abuse issues and even if your wife has been to see someone about it once, she can go and see someone else. I am currently on my second lot of counselling and this one is a Christian counsellor which makes it more comfortable to talk to her. My friend was abused as a child and she says she has given up with counsellors as they don't do any good. She is now pursuing another counsellor which will hopefully give her what she needs. It must be very hard living with someone who is so up and down, my heart goes out to your situation. Hopefully things will get better  I know I've mentioned this to you before, but it is better to talk to a doctor than your wife direct. If you mention counselling to your wife, then she will just dig her heels in. God bless


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## Mr Blunt

> Lostwithouthim
> 
> Two things happened during this time that made him question his faith. Some people were not being very Christian in the Church and this partly lead to him losing his faith.
> Another thing that happened was that he spent a lot of time with some new friends that aren't Christian and this has also influenced him so he doesn't act like my husband anymore.


The above are cop-outs on your husband’s part. *You never judge God by people or churches. *Jesus had more trouble with the religious leaders than anyone else but He did not turn from God’s plan. I think your husband maybe using that as an excuse

Separation can wind up building the relationship stronger. If you both do an honest evaluation of your part in the break up and follow through with the right actions then you have a good chance of having a much better relationship. It could be that your husband does not want to do this and maybe one reason why he coped out of his faith.

You seem to be working on your part and taking proper actions. 

If you want, I would like for you to elaborate on the book chapter
“how to save your marriage alone".
That title goes against a lot of other point of views.


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## lostwithouthim

Hi mr blunt. You made some good points. I would like to think there is still a chance to save our marriage, but I can't talk to him about any sort of relationship building at the moment until I feel he is ready. I agree that it probably was a cop out, but he is only a been a Christian for a few years and so he has not travelled as far as I have down the Christian path. For example, Jesus teaches us to forgive. He seems to find this hard to do so, as do all of us at times! When he came to take our son out yesterday, he took his bible with him. I would like to think that he would open it on occasions, but it will probably sit on a shelf gathering dust, lol. Since I originally wrote this post, I have grown in myself and starting to evaluate my life. I am no longer desperate to have him back, but the door will be open for him if he did want to return. How long the door will be open for him, only time will tell! 
The book is called love life for every married couple by Ed Wheat. This is a religious book that provides comfort for me when I start losing faith in what God has planned for my future. The chapter how to save your marriage alone just provides comfort for me when I get depressed. Me and my husband are getting on well at the moment as I've been following the guidelines in the book. It may not save my marriage, but it will make our relationship better  meanwhile I'm trusting in The Lord that he will do the very best for me, allow me to grow as a person and maybe make our marriage stronger if hubby ever wants to start again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

*Lostwithouthim
You have a good heart! *
Regardless of how long your husband has been a Christian, with a good honest discussion with a seasoned Christian and he will understand quickly that it is very dangerous to judge God by people and churches.

As for forgiveness it is very hard but God does not mince any words about that one.


1.	Matthew 6:15 
But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Rather blunt huh? I love the blunt absolute that God gives in His word! 


There are other reasons the Bible gives for forgiving that promise blessings but the one above is effective for those that need a wake up call. I hear people call Christians people softies. I came to find out that you really have to have a lot of character to follow half of what Jesus did and taught. When someone truly forgives the way that God wants us too it is a demonstration of a person with tons of character and God validating His approval by the transformation that you see in the forgiver.* Following Christ takes a real man and a real woman, no softies can make it.*


*When I said that you have a good heart I was reminded of 1st Corinthians 13. I also suspect that you have a forgiving heart*.




> I am no longer desperate to have him back, but the door will be open for him if he did want to return.


You sound like you are adjusting quite well. I did not say that the emotions are all well it is just that you seem to be leaving the desperation stage and going into a more secure stage.


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## lostwithouthim

My favourite quote about forgiveness is - 

Matthew 18:21-22 
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV)

I never preach the bible to my husband and maybe I should have pointed this out. Because of his depression, he was always ready to snap at me and it got to the point where I didn't like to state my opinion. We're getting on better now, but he needs to be in the right frame of mind to accept what Jesus teaches us. I am praying to God not for reconciliation but that God will touch his heart and his spirit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

lostwithouthim said:


> I am praying to God not for reconciliation but that God will touch his heart and his spirit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's a very spiritually mature approach. 
God's will be done.


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## Mr Blunt

> I never preach the bible to my husband and maybe I should have pointed this out. Because of his depression, he was always ready to snap at me and it got to the point where I didn't like to state my opinion. We're getting on better now, but *he needs to be in the right frame of mind to accept what Jesus teaches us*. I am praying to God not for reconciliation but that God will touch his heart and his spirit.


Lostwithouthim
You also have wisdom.
He will not listen to anyone without being in the right state of mind. I am convinced that God does lean people in the right direction and sometimes presents circumstances to lean the wayward in the right direction. I know that God does not overpower mankind’s free will but He can set things up for an awakening

I have seen people get that awakening in a matter of months and some in years; even decades. *You need to concentrate on you and God as much as possible. That will help you now and in the future no matter which way your husband goes.*


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks mr blunt, that is good advice 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Christina909

I am going through a similar situation my husband left 35 days ago he is not a Christian and I am so I continue to pray for him. I am reading the loved dare but I'm going to look into the book your reading. Everyday is hard and I have made many mistakes like threatening divorce because I was so mad now I know I have to be patient. He answers the phone when ever I call so I think that's good. And he has left before one time in 2010 but came back three weeks later he stayed at his grandma. This time it's been longer and when he left he seemed more serious took everything meaning his clothes etc.


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## Christina909

I think your doing good by being patient it's only been three weeks, I know it's hard each day your mind can drive you crazy thinking of everything at once. Use this time to get closer to God and stay prayed up


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## lostwithouthim

That's exactly how my husband has been Christina, he answers the phone when I call which is a good sign I think. He took his clothes this time along with a bed and a chest of drawers because he was moving into his mate's spare room, so like you I think he's more serious this time. I would like to think there's still a chance for us, but I am trying to move on. You do have to be patient, but for how long I don't know! Last Tuesday he called me and we were chatting on the phone for about 20 mins. I thought this was a good sign, but since then he has been very distant with me.
I'm finding it lonely at the moment and get bored in the evenings. I'm so bored, I do college work, lol. I went to have a bath and normally I like a soak in it, but I even found that boring, lol. I can't get motivated to start hobbies or decorating because of my depression, so I end up coming on TAM or facebook. I was that bored last night, I went to bed early! lol.


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## Christina909

Ok here's what advice has helped me so far one is from mortel fertel he said "Try for at least one year!

And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.

If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, "What if this...and what if that...what if I tried this...what if I did that?"

If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.

If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy "closure." THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.

here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND (if it comes to this) YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching "closure" in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else."

Second is I found out most men leave and are hesitant to come back because they don't want to be in the same situation and it could be from child hood in my case my husband was raised by his grandma and never got the attention he needed form his mom and he claims I neglected him and I need to get my priorities straight. He told his mom this he also told her he hasn't given up on me. So. Have been showing him I'm there for him if he needs anything.

Third I have been journaling and I write scripture at the end I did this n 2010 and it helped at the end of my journal in 2010 there was a victory when he came home. I am also doing the Love dare even though I can't do all the dares because I don t see him I can do some that say pray for him etc. 

Lastly just want to add he left in the middle of a remodel of are Floors lol now half my hme is concrete and other is wood floors so that's crazy oh and he came the other day to mow the lawn other then than he won't come home. Feel free to message me I know everyday there so much emotion.


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## lostwithouthim

Lol funny you should say about your floors, my husband left me in the middle of doing the living room. I'll have a good read of what you sent when I'm on my computer and I can concentrate. One question though, you write as if both of us want to have a second chance, but my husband has moved out and as far as he is concerned then this is it - no looking back!! The book sounds good, I might have to get that one. Btw, did u know there's a website where u can swap jobs to do, so say you want someone to do the floor, then you can do his ironing for him  if you're interested I'll hunt out the website when I get home. I keep meaning to look at it myself as I need someone to finish off my living room lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

Christina909 said:


> Ok here's what advice has helped me so far one is from mortel fertel he said "Try for at least one year!
> 
> And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.
> 
> If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, "What if this...and what if that...what if I tried this...what if I did that?"
> 
> If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUppR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.
> 
> If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy "closure." THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.
> 
> here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND (if it comes to this) YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.
> 
> I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching "closure" in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else."
> 
> Second is I found out most men leave and are hesitant to come back because they don't want to be in the same situation and it could be from child hood in my case my husband was raised by his grandma and never got the attention he needed form his mom and he claims I neglected him and I need to get my priorities straight. He told his mom this he also told her he hasn't given up on me. So. Have been showing him I'm there for him if he needs anything.
> 
> Third I have been journaling and I write scripture at the end I did this n 2010 and it helped at the end of my journal in 2010 there was a victory when he came home. I am also doing the Love dare even though I can't do all the dares because I don t see him I can do some that say pray for him etc.
> 
> Lastly just want to add he left in the middle of a remodel of are Floors lol now half my hme is concrete and other is wood floors so that's crazy oh and he came the other day to mow the lawn other then than he won't come home. Feel free to message me I know everyday there so much emotion.


This is some great advice she gave here Lost. Im tuned in and listening as our stories are so similar. Thanks :smthumbup:Christina909


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## lostwithouthim

It is good advice Catch, but you need both partners to agree to do this and as my husband is not willing to do this then I can't take up this good advice. If Christian means wait for a year and try to get him back during that time, well I'll do my very best!


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## Christina909

True my husband hasn’t agreed to this but if he wants to go do court and file he could but i doubt he would because he is currently unemployed and just starting a new business so he has no money. This is my plan if he don’t straighten up in a year then thats it I will have a future and i will have my future children a boy and girl with him or with a new future husband. if he chooses to leave then that s his choice. But I’m taking it day by day. He hasn’t called me but I’ve called him almost every day he answers and he talks for about a min and then it’s like ok bye. He just tells me how bad he has it at his friends place. Maybe i make him feel better by calling I’m going to try and not call him at least for a week, let him live his life without me. Update still no talk from him about coming home. P.S been praying for him everyday too for his salvation.

1 Cor 7:13-16
13 And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. 14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[d] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. 15 (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife[e] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[f] to live in peace.) 16 Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?


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## Christina909

I first need to find a lawn guy im going to call and get prices today. We will get through this we just need to keep praying thanks for all the imput


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## lostwithouthim

Thanks Christina  I think we've got the same husband you know, lol. My husband is also living with his friend, or so he says! He says he's hasn't got any money but he doesn't say that he is miserable. We do speak on the phone and last night it was for about 40 mins! He will do this, then back away as if he's worried that I might think there's more to it than just friends. I don't ring him, I let him ring me, apart from last night when he asked me to ring him so he could explain about something to me. I should've said I was having my tea or something, but I didn't. I was actually annoyed that the call lasted that long as I wanted to ring my friend last night. 
I need to find a lawn guy as well. The website I posted in was called skill share. If you search skill share on the net, then you can swap jobs. I've not had any responses yet, so I might post on a few!
The gardeners round here are normally quite reasonable, about £10-£20 an hour. It's not bad to make your garden look nice again, especially with the sun coming out 
Thanks for the scripture  I have come across that one a few times now and don't really understand it. Is it telling us to let them go and get on with their life and not try to R?


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## Christina909

The scripture is saying at a certain point there has to be peace. I have heard some wives stay married for 10-20 years and separated at the same time in those cases that’s crazy I have no children and I’m not going to wait around years if my husband chooses with his free will to leave. But I think there’s a time you can’t give up and you need to continue to fight for your marriage but not give up your years if the other wants to leave. But ultimately do what God tells you let him lead you. That’s really progress talking for 40min wow I just get like 40 sec. lol ok I’m going to check out that web site. I been keeping my schedule so full today I’m going to relax and maybe order myself a pizza. Oh and I have been working out to I lost like 10 pounds.


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## lostwithouthim

Well done you  I've lost about a stone and a half since last September, not through stress but just eating sensibly. I'm having pizza tonight, but as I've got a son to feed as well we can't afford takeaways (much as I'd like to! lol). I buy the par baked baguettes and we make our own. I do my garlic bread like that as well. Very filling as well, I have to force myself to eat it all, lol. I normally put on a pound in weight over the weekend. Saturday night is Pizza and tv night in with my son


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## Christina909

Update he still hasn't come home it's day 45 I stopped calling it only hurt me more to call and he was to busy to talk. He called twice one to get dental info for his tooth ache and the other he called said he was going to finish the floors. Sometimes I think he is really serious he does not want to be in a marriage he wants to be "free" then I get mad and say well then be free. Emotions are up and down. He got a new job I guess he figures no one is going to support him. Kind of gets me mad that he moved in with his buddy and his buddies wife I heard she made him wash the dishes gets me mad cause he rather live with strangers and help them out. I know I'm venting but it's late and tomorrow will be better ok keep praying for me


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## lostwithouthim

Vent away  it's nice to see you on here Christine  I think he needs time to sort through what he truly thinks about you. That's why the title of the thread is patience. God has a bigger plan for us, bit first we have to go through some challenges. God will only give us what he feels that we can cope with. Your husband hasn't been gone long. I know what you mean about he would rather live at his mates home than your home, I feel the same way about my husband. He would rather live in a one bedroomed flat than a three bedroomed house. He told me the other day that he wanted a divorce and sell the house. It's only been a month since he left! He's coming round to talk about out benefits today, but I hope be hasn't got an ulterior motive. I told him I didn't want to sell the house and I'm not going to sign the divorce papers, it's too soon!! I'm getting legal advice about the house to see where I stand, I need to be armed. I don't want a battle though  well that's my vent for the day, talk soon and god bless 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catch22gofigure

somethingelse said:


> Lost,
> 
> You probably feel like this is all your fault, and you have done something to push your husband away, but nothing that I have read makes me think that his leaving has anything to do with you. Your husband is in a spiritual battle right now. It could be depression, adultery, anything. Whatever it is, it has a strong hold on him. Sometimes as Christians, we have to let our loved ones go into the darkness in order for them to come back to the light. It is one of the hardest things we have to do at times, but it is sometimes necessary.
> 
> 1 Corinthians 5:4-6 Turn Him Over to Satan . . . that He Might be Saved
> 
> You are a God fearing, gentle and loving woman. You have to forgive yourself for what you Feel contributed to this, and know that God is in control of this. He will do what is right for you and your husband. Who knows your husband better than God? Who knows YOU better than God?
> 
> You have to start concentrating on living your life without your husband now. It doesn't mean you have to give up hope for your marriage. Pray for your husband every day, and God will do the rest. And remember that He is always thinking of your needs as well. He will provide for you. He loves you unconditionally and wants you to be drawn to Him no matter what may be going on in your life.
> 
> Here are some scriptures that might be of comfort to you,
> 
> Luke 12:6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
> 
> Matthew 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
> 
> Matthew 7:7-11:
> 
> 7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
> 
> Romans 5:1-5:
> 
> 1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My heart goes out to you Lost. My thoughts and prayers are also with you and your husband.


This is so empowering, even for me and my situation. Lost , such great info in this reply.


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## lostwithouthim

Amen to that  I have just reread it again and I spotted things in here that I didn't see the first time around. Maybe because the first time she wrote this I was probably feeling low or in a fog or blaming myself and didn't read it properly. IDK, but anyway I've reread it now and taken on board what she is saying to me here


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## catch22gofigure

I often go back and read posts again too for clarity and retention.


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## Christina909

So update like I said me and my H have made up, but he has not moved back in yet. He comes for dinner then leaves he said he will move back soon, so ill just give him his space. One of his complaints about the marriage was I was controlling so I told him he needs to be more involved with the house finances so I'm not like a parent controlling th money at all time. Today at church we had a billionaire speaker mr.Daniel he said we need to continue to get knowledge from the Bible and from books. So I think that's a good idea we are reading everything about marriage. Thanks lostwithouthim that book by Ed wheat really made a difference and I'm only on chapter 5. So here are some things I'm changing Sundays I am going to go to church then rest all day no housework just spend time with my husband mon-Wed ill mostly cook Thursday is date night because this is both are day off. Friday and Saturday we go out to eat or get take out. And school work will be done when my H is at work or after he falls asleep. Lastly I had to get rid of Facebook and tv hours. And im going to keep praying for his salvation Ok I'll keep Everyone updated too. Marriage works when you let God lead


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## lostwithouthim

Christina909 said:


> So update like I said me and my H have made up, but he has not moved back in yet. He comes for dinner then leaves he said he will move back soon, so ill just give him his space. One of his complaints about the marriage was I was controlling so I told him he needs to be more involved with the house finances so I'm not like a parent controlling th money at all time. Today at church we had a billionaire speaker mr.Daniel he said we need to continue to get knowledge from the Bible and from books. So I think that's a good idea we are reading everything about marriage. Thanks lostwithouthim that book by Ed wheat really made a difference and I'm only on chapter 5. So here are some things I'm changing Sundays I am going to go to church then rest all day no housework just spend time with my husband mon-Wed ill mostly cook Thursday is date night because this is both are day off. Friday and Saturday we go out to eat or get take out. And school work will be done when my H is at work or after he falls asleep. Lastly I had to get rid of Facebook and tv hours. And im going to keep praying for his salvation Ok I'll keep Everyone updated too. Marriage works when you let God lead


Thanks for the update Christina  Glad things are finally coming together and the book helped  I'm reading hope for the separated at the moment, but when I've finished that I'll go back to love life for every married couple. Good bless


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## Disneyme

Check out rejoiceministries.org. This is helping me a lot. I just found out that my husband who left 2 years ago is living with someone every day he does not have the kids. I feel like I have been hit by a train. I believe this is the work of the devil and I am standing for my marriage. I don't care about everyone who tells me to find someone better. Yes I could, but God does not believe in divorce. I am in total pain and shock. I can use any prayers myself for reconciliation and prayers that the other woman finds a God mate not the one she is committing adultery with. For my 3 kids I am asking God to change me for the good and touch his heart. I put the wall of fire around my husband.


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## lostwithouthim

Disneyme said:


> Check out rejoiceministries.org. This is helping me a lot. I just found out that my husband who left 2 years ago is living with someone every day he does not have the kids. I feel like I have been hit by a train. I believe this is the work of the devil and I am standing for my marriage. I don't care about everyone who tells me to find someone better. Yes I could, but God does not believe in divorce. I am in total pain and shock. I can use any prayers myself for reconciliation and prayers that the other woman finds a God mate not the one she is committing adultery with. For my 3 kids I am asking God to change me for the good and touch his heart. I put the wall of fire around my husband.


Thanks for that message  I think though that after 2 years I might have moved on. Whether or not marriage is sacred and I take my vows seriously, I'm not going to wait around for him. I'm already getting fed up of being messed around by him and it's only been 3 months! Oh yes and I do believe it's the work of the devil to split up the family!
Although God hates divorce, he also hates adultery and so he would not blame you if you did move on. 
Are you sat there waiting for him or have you made a life for yourself? It is very unhealthy to be still be attached to your h after 2 years. I will have a look at the website and repeat those prayers that you said here  one thing is for certain, I don't want to get hurt again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

*Your affections should first be to God then to yourself and children, then to those that EARN IT! IMO*


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## lostwithouthim

Oh this is so confusing! I went to look at the site and apparently if you stop waiting for your H then the devil has had a hand in this! It's a good site and I was reading it until late last night 
Mr Blunt, is that statement in the bible? I was at bible study last night and we got told do not judge your neighbour. I think the bible can be full of contradictions, although some may disagree!


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## Mr Blunt

> Quote of Mr. Blunt
> Your affections should first be to God then to yourself and children, then to those that EARN IT! IMO
> 
> Quote of Lostwithouthim
> Mr. Blunt, is that statement in the bible? I was at bible study last night and we got told do not judge your neighbor. I think the bible can be full of contradictions, although some may disagree!




Mr. Blunt, is that statement in the bible?

*YES*……AFFECTION FIRST TO GOD then yourself and children
First to God is in the Old Testament then repeated in the New Testament; very consistent. See below:

*Deuteronomy 6:4-9 *
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ... 

*Matthew 22:37*
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: *‘Love your neighbor as yourself.*

The first underlined part tells you to have your affections (love) for God, the 2nd underlined talks about the children, and the third bold part in Matthew tells you to LOVE YOURSELF so that you can love your neighbor



EARN IT
First Timothy 5:8 below talks about the earning actions required.
*1 Timothy 5:8 *
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever









do not judge your neighbor

One of the most quoted scriptures on your statement above is the following

*Matthew 7 *
New International Version (NIV)
Judging Others
7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You *hypocrite,* first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
6 “*Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs*. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Notice what the scriptures say RIGHT after saying “Do not judge”
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Jesus is talking about hypocrites that love to judge others and not examine themselves; their judging is for others and they exempt themselves.
Also notice what the scriptures say right after explaining the do not judge part. See below
Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs.
You have to judge to determine who are dogs and pigs!


There are a lot of scriptures that advocate non-hypocritical judging; often in the context of the word discernment. Hypocrites like the ones described in Matthew 7 need to be told “DO NOT JUDGE” because the spirit in which they are judging is wrong. Just a few of the scriptures that advocate right judging are below:
*John 7:24 (NIV)*
"Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment."

*1 Corinthians 2:15*
New International Version (NIV)
15 The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments,





. I think the bible can be full of contradictions

I did too until I did a lot of research. *What I thought was a contradiction wound up being explained and understood*. Some still seems like contradictions but I think that is where faith is required. If I could understand the entire Bible and have explanations to all the seemly contradictions then faith is not needed. It is hard for me to have faith in something I can not understand but *faith is what God requires in some things.*


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## lostwithouthim

Wow great stuff Mr Blunt! It's like an online bible study, lol.


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## Mr Blunt

> Wow great stuff Mr Blunt! It's like an online bible study, lol.



Lostwithouthim
Glad you got something out of scriptures and encouraging that you honor God’s word!!
Kindred spirits!

I did so much research that I now have a headache. 
Think I will go watch a comedy, are the THREE STOOGES or THE JERK out on DVD?


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## lostwithouthim

Mr Blunt said:


> Lostwithouthim
> Glad you got something out of scriptures and encouraging that you honor God’s word!!
> Kindred spirits!
> 
> I did so much research that I now have a headache.
> Think I will go watch a comedy, are the THREE STOOGES or THE JERK out on DVD?


lol Mr Blunt


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## Disneyme

I have been so sick knowing my husband is just about living with his girlfriend and moving on to start a whole new life over. I am so torn on the direction to go. I am praying 10 times a day. Have my children praying that God changes my husband's heart and blesses his girlfriend with a better man for her. I listen to preachers say I am free and can receive something better God has for me, on the other hand this site says not to give up and our marriage can be better than ever. i wish I would have found it 2 years ago before he started to sleep with this girl. I don't know what to believe. I went to talk to him. He blames me for talking bad to him during marriage, and about him after he left. Says he can't forgive that. When did the tables turn? He thinks he is not committing adultery because papers are filed. I started to blame me for him leaving. I do know my part in this, what makes me mad is that he would not let me try to fix it. He never said how he felt and then left never wanting to return. Makes me look like the *****. 21 friends, some my old ones liked his pic of his girlfriend and him. So 21 people believe he is lucky to have left the ***** and found someone better. My mind won't stop. I get no sleep and feel like I have the flu.


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## lostwithouthim

Disneyme, my heart goes out to you! I've been through what you've been going through right now when my h first left me. There's a book that you must read called divorce busting. It talks about all the issues that you have at the moment and helps you to move on and get a life for yourself. After 2 years, I hope that I still won't be as upset as you are right now. 
Please don't blame yourself for your h wanting to leave you. It's not just your fault, it's both of your faults. My h never spoke up either about what was wrong with the marriage, he just suddenly packed his bags and left! This happens to most of the WASs, the ones that are left behind are left confused and in the dark. 
My advice to you is to do a search for 180 techniques and start applying them today! Take your h off your fb, it'll only upset you. I've still got my h on my fb, but I don't go to have a look at his page. 
You will think the 180 is a crazy idea at first, we all do but believe me it does work! Since I started the no contact rule with my h, he's been contacting me more. Keep reading the site you mentioned and also have a look at the divorce busting site. 
Spending all your time moping around is unhealthy for you and your kids. You must live your life as normal as poss for the sake of your kids. They're the ones hurting the most. Their daddy has just upped and left them without any good reason and they will blame themselves for him leaving. 
Spend more time with your kids, take them out on fun days out and do fun things with them. You need to be the wife that your h wants to come back to, not someone who's always moping around feeling sorry for herself. 
Reread the story on marriages rejoice. Did she sit at home and mope around waiting for him to come back? No she didn't, she got on with her life and you should to 
Keep posting on here and keep us updated. We're here for you  God bless 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disneyme

Thanks for your reply. I am trying my best. I work so much not just to stay a float. What he gives me, is not enough. He does take the kids every other week, which kills me. I hate that he does more now for everyone else then ever for me. Had he helped before, I would have been a better wife with more time. I am trying to do a 180 just feel like it won't be in time since he has a younger girlfriend looking to have a family. If my divorce goes through in December, he will be on his way to replaying his life. Better the second time around.


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## Mr Blunt

> i wish I would have found it 2 years ago before he started to sleep with this girl



*
You have tolerated your husband’s total lack of respect for you and your children for way too long.* God is not going to make your husband change his mind, He can but He will not. Free will choice is something that God gave mankind and mankind will be accountable for their free will choices someday.


That probably did not give you any comfort but you are way too dependant on an unrepentant, betraying spouse that has turned his back on you and his children. At this point he is scum!

*At this point you should be dedicating yourself to God’s ways and wisdom and be trusting God to help and guide you to a better life for you and your children*

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight

*You have a choice you can depend on your husband or you can depend on God and yourself.*

You are not responsible for your husband but God does not wnat you to tolerate his sin so that it puts you and your children into emoitional depression. *What good will you be for your children or yourself if you allow this?*


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## lostwithouthim

Well said Mr Blunt :iagree:
He;s divorcing you in December, ask God to reach out to him for the last time, touch his heart and drive away the evil that has consumed him. Above all let go and let God. God will take care of all your needs. Get on with your life and let God take care of your H. Look after your children now, they need you more than ever! You are their world and you must cherish and nurture them  Make their time with you better than their time with their Dad. You want to hear them telling your H what a great time they are having at home and not moaning to H about you. God Bless you and your family


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