# It sucks that Sex in Marriage issues are really tough to talk about with friends



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

One of the reasons I really love this site is that it has the community of people suffering in the exact same boat I'm in (me, HD husband with LD wife and all our communication/expectation issues). Despite all the awesome resources here, I still wish I could discuss my issues with my friends/family, but knowing the subject I could never bring it up. It's probably true for many people here.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

All it takes is for you to pick one friend and open up. You'd be surprised how many people will open up when someone else makes the first move.


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## TimFrost (Sep 19, 2013)

I did that with my once and only friend and it jumped up to bite me in the backside.
He had told his wife of our talks which did seem to help me vent instead of holding everything in. I asked him to not even tell her about our talks. He did anyway and she in turn brought it up to my wife. The results were the silent treatment for about 2 months.

So beware of the friends to confide in....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Agreed....that would be a worry.
Plus for me, I'd have an easier time if the subject were instead something like ED. 

For me and my buddies, it's always been easy to talk about the women of our past, but anyone's current wife, privacy is paramount.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I agree. I have no one to talk to in "real life" about our sexual problems. Even if I did, I think it would hurt my husband if he knew I was telling our problems to all our friends.

But I am thankful I can come here and vent or get advice.


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## colflu (Jun 12, 2012)

I started talking to a friend about our 'issues' and all she could say was how awesome her sex life is. No advice, no motivation. Now whenever we talk she tells me about the positions they've tried and the fun they've had since the last time we spoke. I've since kept quiet about my problems and just keep quiet when she starts...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

The reason why I'd love to speak to my friends is because we can relate, (roughly the same age, we all started getting married in our 30's, generally at the stage with young children)....bottom line, they would be in my bracket if this were a study.....and yes, if my wife found out that I was discussing our bedroom activity, it would mortify her....and I would probably feel the same if it were the other away around.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I do talk very vaguely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Like all of you, I also appreciate the fact that I can come in here to talk about my marriage issues in general, not just the lack of sex. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff, and it's nice to post somewhat anonymously and get good advice (not that I always take it, but it's always nice to get feedback).

My wife likes to talk about our lack of sex (how we are so tired due to the kids, etc). I just shake my head. She's not exactly bragging about it, but it doesn't bother her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You don't need to talk to a lot of people to ascertain the amount of LD HD mismatches out there... People with healthy sexual lives are not difficult to spot in social or even work settings . 

Venting among friends IRL would be a bad idea for a number of reasons in my view... It's amazing how many support networks are there for any issue or disease except this one, and perhaps there's a reason so... Let lying dogs lie or something like that.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I do not know how you haven't spoken to friends about this or at least your closest friends I have 1 friend which I am really close with and with every girlfriend and wife there has been like a ask each other if they are good enough we share everything when I was going through the rough patch just before my marriage ended he was there every step a few times when I was staying there a couple if nights his girlfriend went to have a bit of a argument about me staying there on their date night and he told her too bad he's a mate and I'm there till the end. I don't know if anyone else here sees friends and mates the same but to me and all my mates it's they are the ones still in your life when girlfriends a wives go so they don't get the option to drive a wedge between us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tim,
You missed the boat entirely here. If you believe:
- you are a good H in and out of bed
- you have sincerely tried to address this and she has stonewalled 
- and you believe you have taken good enough care of you, that other women would want to date/sleep with you


Then you expose, not to one friend, but openly. Not loudly, but firmly. The approach below works pretty well. 

Our marriage is in a bad place, my wife thinks it is ok to demand my celibacy and violate her vow to love me. And you stop letting her pretend everything is fine 'in public'. 

She WILL freak out. So what. You just repeat: If you think what you are doing is ok, then you should be fine with family and friends knowing about it. If however, you realize it's abusive, than of course you feel ashamed and furious at me. But hey - I am here if you want to try to fix it. I just won't lie about the way you treat me anymore. 





TimFrost said:


> I did that with my once and only friend and it jumped up to bite me in the backside.
> He had told his wife of our talks which did seem to help me vent instead of holding everything in. I asked him to not even tell her about our talks. He did anyway and she in turn brought it up to my wife. The results were the silent treatment for about 2 months.
> 
> So beware of the friends to confide in....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Charging,
She IS bragging about it. The subtext is: I have so much power in the marriage I don't even have to have sex with him. It IS a boast about marital power and a very emasculating statement about you. 

I know you aren't inclined towards brinksmanship, still you could start going out a couple nights a week and not really explain where. When pressed you can always look at her and innocently ask: Why the interrogation about where I am going, you obviously don't enjoy being 'with' me. 

And then when she mentions in your earshot that you two hardly have sex - fatigue - etc. You can chime in: I'm not tired, and frankly we have moved more to a 'don't ask, don't tell type marriage'. And then just smile. 


QUOTE=ChargingCharlie;4434130]Like all of you, I also appreciate the fact that I can come in here to talk about my marriage issues in general, not just the lack of sex. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff, and it's nice to post somewhat anonymously and get good advice (not that I always take it, but it's always nice to get feedback).

My wife likes to talk about our lack of sex (how we are so tired due to the kids, etc). I just shake my head. She's not exactly bragging about it, but it doesn't bother her.[/QUOTE]


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> One of the reasons I really love this site is that it has the community of people suffering in the exact same boat I'm in (me, HD husband with LD wife and all our communication/expectation issues). Despite all the awesome resources here, I still wish I could discuss my issues with my friends/family, but knowing the subject I could never bring it up. It's probably true for many people here.


I find it sort of disrespectful to my wife. Yes, I'm leaving her when i finish school and have a steady job, but it doesn't mean I don't respect her. 

I do understand what you mean though. None of our friends have any idea we're having marital problems. I feel kind of phoney acting like we have a decent marriage while in reality it's barely on life support.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> One of the reasons I really love this site is that it has the community of people suffering in the exact same boat I'm in (me, HD husband with LD wife and all our communication/expectation issues). Despite all the awesome resources here, I still wish I could discuss my issues with my friends/family, but knowing the subject I could never bring it up. It's probably true for many people here.


Forums like this are a great outlet for this sort of thing.... writing it out can be very therapuetic also...while getting others feedback / experienced ideas.....what has worked for them or not.... and all anonymous!

I've had a few GF's open up to me... they all know they can trust me with anything... The guys where my husband work tend to joke about only getting it on holidays and things like that.....

Though he's had 2 open up to him with some sexual struggles..... this was after they realized he was taking some viagra/ tried Stiff nights...he's pretty open with them! So I guess they felt they could spill a little with him... He is very trustworthy though...That's the thing, know who you can trust....don't be foolish .... Some people are really good listeners...just be wise.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Anon Pink------ YOU ARE CLEARLY A WOMEN!
Things don't work that way with men. Sometimes men gossip worse than women are accused of doing and trust me men are worse. There is something called the male ego and that is a monster that is hard to over come. Often when a man confides in another within an hour or two the whole group know about your problem. Then when it comes to sexual issues with a wife or a girlfriend you are like meat on the pit. Everyone in the crowd will use it to seem better (even if they really are not) because it's simply a "man thing". 
Now if you have a women who is nothing more than a friend this is someone you can take into confidence and be 90% certain that everything is kept in confidence. The male ego is a killer of emotion and let's face it sexual issues with spouse or girlfriend is emotional. Times have change and it is suppose to be okay for men to show emotions, but BEEEEEEP not true.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I don't think I agree - I have a very serious ego (comes with the job - no ego means no projecting confidence means no work) and I am emotional enough...

When dealing with a low nookie marriage emotions are not what you want, incidentally...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I recently told a really good friend of mine the issues my husband and i have been having. I really needed to talk to someone.. She couldn't believe it! Her exact words were You guys are the perfect couple!! HAHA yeah not so much!

It is always nice to get everything out. Even though I don't really like to air my dirty laundry to everyone (just here) The only other person who knows is my mom.


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## PAPS18 (May 17, 2012)

I am different on this, I have had discussions with 3-4 good buddies about this subject. We are all the same age, kids about the same age and our wives are ALL the same-sex is NOT a priority for them. It is comforting to know that I am not alone but there is really not a lot you can do about it either-the wives are all friends but would NEVER discuss sex in their group. Why, because they are content with how things are, maybe they think it is personal information, I don't know. My wife has been aware we speak about it, it doesn't seem to bother her because again, in her mind our sex life is completely the norm-and that is sex at MOST 1x a week but can sometimes be 1x a month, it varies. She never gives me oral any longer-it has been about two years since that last happened, I offer her oral every time we are intimate-most of the time she refuses that. My friends will say the same things I do, it is truly amazing honestly. What my buddies and I all have in common, we are all employed-some make really good money, others just make decent money-but none of us poor, we all are very involved with our kids and their activities-meaning we don't work all the time, we help out around the house-even without being asked, generally we are considered "good guys" or maybe "nice guys" as folks on this board say. We all love our kids too much to divorce over the lack of intimacy with our wives, but we all have discussed what happens when the kids leave then nest. We all have said, back when I was younger and a friend said their parents were getting a divorce because they had grown apart (which always happened when the kids left for college or moved out) we never understood how a couple could grow apart. But NOW, we can see why/how that happens. Our wives all have careers as well, so they are busy, but they never neglect their children. In fact, I know in my case, one of the things that attracted me to my wife when we were dating is that I knew she would be a GREAT Mom to my kids-and she truly is. But, the wife part has taken a back seat, and our kids are double digits now, so not young and dependent on Mom all the time.


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