# My Mother - A Rant



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm feeling down and pretty foul right now, so just be advised I'm having a massive pity party and you're all invited... 

I'm currently hurt and feeling abandoned by my mom. I'm nearly 7 months pregnant now, (first pregnancy), terribly sick with bronchitis, having a s****y time quitting smoking, in the process of moving with dust and sickness, and yes, years of smoking keeping me from breathing and feeling well.

As we all know, my husband and I didn't want to have kids, but being as it were, and I feel guilty admitting this, we were pressured into keeping baby by the "Save the Baby Committee".

This Committee, comprised of family and lead by my mom, promised and swore they would do everything and anything they could do to help, so we can have this baby. When we got pregnant we were in no place financially or emotionally... And we were using several forms of birth control to prevent said pregnancy. So she's a miracle, and that's wonderful. We've accepted the inevitable.

Without any help as promised, my husband and I have found a larger place to live, but we are stretching beyond our means here. We saved, slaved and scraped to move out of our tiny house, a shack, really, and start preparing for the arrival of our little girl. We've had no financial support along the way. My best friend even GAVE me her van so we can have something to haul the little bundle of joy around in, and move into our new place. 

My mother visited once, didn't like it, and despite promising to help us pack, clean and move, has not so much as had 5 minutes for me in several weeks. Last week I asked her to come to a prenatal check-up with me and she said she couldn't make it - she sent my step-dad, Gabe, instead. 

I feel like I have to have an excuse to see her, or she sends Gabe to do everything. He helps me with the laundry, helping us with furniture. He comes by at midnight when I'm starving to bring me a Big Mac (hold the meat). My mom - is never around.

So she's just busy working, right? Wrong. My younger sister moved here a month ago from Texas and my mom is at her house every single f***ing day. Before my sister even got here, my mom had her new house cleaned spotless, boxes unpacked, furniture in place, food in the cupboard, everything. All my sister had to do was walk in a sit down. When my sister needs something, mom is there, no matter the time of day or night, because my sister is f***ing helpless. Neither my sister or her husband work, they live off of his retirement and social security, (he has PTSD from deployment). 

My husband works, and everyday now, he comes dog-tired and we pack up and clean. I'm feeling so guilty that I'm just sick and encumbered by pregnancy that I can't help as much as I want to. I'm frustrated that we have deadlines to meet and we can't even get the committee to help us, even a little bit.

It's been like this all my life. I'm the oldest of four, I raised my siblings because my mom was working to support us on her own. I admit I resent her for never being there. I feel like I never had a childhood, because I was expected to do so much, so young. I try not to hold that against her because she did the best she could do.

But whenever I've really needed her, she's nowhere to be found. I hpe she finds time to visit us in the hospital when the baby is born. But if not, she can just send Gabe. Her representative.

(And don't get me wrong - I love him to death. He's the best thing to come into my life since my parents are so preoccupied).

So, sorry for the rant, but I'm feeling so alone. And I hurt for my husband because he bought into all her promises, too. And now he's doing practically everything by himself. :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Yin - Can you try and talk to your mother or have a heart to heart with Gabe, maybe he can pass on your concerns to your mom? This is really a terrible time to be dealing with all this, you already know that.

At the end of day it can be rewarding knowing that you are making it happen the best that you can. 

My mom and dad have not helped financially at all during our marriage or now. My mom only offered financial help when I was divorcing him. I can't even ask them for help now. We had such an unstable childhood so that my mom could better herself for her PhD and so that us kids wouldn't struggle in life... That was a crock of sh!t, for me anyway. We were dragged around the east coast so many times as kids, I went to 5 different elementary schools growing up. My mom is living debt free now and we're filing for bankruptcy because she won't even think about helping us with our mortgage. I don't want her to, our success in our marriage and our lives will be enough of a statement to my family who refuses to offer any help. It would be one thing if they were struggling, they are not. 

For me and my H, once we realized that we can't count on anyone to truly be there for us in our most darkest times, which has been very recent, it has strengthened us too. We will make our lives for our children comfortable. That is our focus now. Our house isn't anything to write home about, it's a former meth home in fact. But we've worked hard to call it home and we love it, it's ours!

{{{HUGS}}} to you and your precious little girl. Handshake to the hubby


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I am so sorry that you felt pushed into becoming a mom. It is never a good idea to make life changing decisions because you are pressured. An unwanted baby is a special strain on a marriage.

Shouldn't your husband be indulging your cravings? :scratchhead: That is not a stepfather's job.

I also don't understand why people have children when they still need others to help financially with them. The two of *you *made this choice, so your little girl is not anyone's responsibility but your own. 

Manage your expectations with your mother. If she was distant while you were growing up, she will continue to be. I know that isn't comforting, but it is the truth. I have come to expect abusive and controlling behavior from my mother; she will never change. I rarely speak to her or visit and she was not invited to my wedding.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Gabe - do you like him?
He seems like a nice guy. I wonder what he's doing with your mom!
I would try to keep him around as a step-dad. 
Go with what you know and what works for you and makes you feel more wanted and supported. The continued negative influence of rejection isn't good for you, so you must protect yourself from that as best you can.
Your friend who lent you the van - keep her too.
Never mind about the rest, you might as well pick up a baseball bat and smack yourself with it...(don't do that, but just saying continued attempts to get them to give you what they can't give you will just be self-abusive and make you feel worse...)
You're doing a great job. Focus on what you're doing right, not what's not working. You have a lot on your plate.


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