# He abandoned me but I miss him



## jasmine79 (Jul 5, 2010)

Its been 4 weeks since i lost my pregnancy at 22 weeks and my husband communicated to me (he hadnt been home in a week) that its over and he moved in with his mistress. He never even saw the baby, and was happy that the baby didnt make it. He has cheated on me (with ALOT of women) through out our 6 year relationship, wanted to leave me last year for some one else and finally left me this year for another woman (whom he left his first mistress for). Yes I AM a doormat and I kept taking him back, because I felt as if he was my life and without him i would be nothing. 
I was on bedrest for all of my pregnancy and he treated me like I was invisible and even pushed me around sometimes. I dont want to turn this into a pity party because I know I'm ALSO to blame for the way i was treated because a person only treats you the way you let them treat you.
But through all I have been through, since yesterday I have found myself missing him missing our life and I'm so scared i'm going to get stuck in this rut and wont be able to go on with my life.
Any and all advise would be highly appreciated.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I am not trying to rub salt in an open wound, but yours is a classic case of someone who should really get on to something new. He has told and shown you over and over who he really is. You deserve better just because you are human, a woman, a wife, etc. Count yourself lucky that he is gone and you can move towards happiness. The memories of yesterday are just that memories, and if you are like me...if you really look deep into the memories that weren't that great in reality, not as much as in our minds ;o) I wish the best for you. They say the first step in solving a problem is to admit it is a problem....and your being a door mat will become a big problem for you. good luck.


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## jasmine79 (Jul 5, 2010)

Thank you for your response. Yes being a doormat was a big problem for me, and now I am trying to get over the marriage the man and the loss of my child. I have good days and very bad days. The first few days were so bad, but I'm really trying.
How do you get over missing someone?


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

I spent a lot of time planning my escape from my marriage...during that time I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life(tearing myself apart) and realized that my husband was just one of a handful of abusers in my life. It took a long time to accept that what he did to me was abuse....even longer to actually attach that label to him...in fact it was easier to admit that I was victim(and allowed myself to be a victim) than it was to call him an abuser. 

I just started therapy, I don't know if it will help, but I recognized that I needed to work on changing me if I wanted history to stop repeating itself. I hope that it helps. The fact that I am able to go is amazing to me...he would have never allowed it while we were together....so that alone is a positive step forward for me. 

What helped me start understanding what happened was to write it all out...I started with current bad events...but was amazed at how much I still remembered vividly going back 10-12 years when we first met....patterns of manipulation, assaults..all of his bull sh!t there in black and white. It hurt to write but in a way I was telling secrets and owning them and I still refer back to my 'book' to remind myself when I am having a bad day and want to run back to 'what I know'. 


The one line I refer back to the most was his statement on the day I asked for the divorce... "If I can't inflict pain, the marriage isn't worth saving." I can guess that you have a lot of quotes that you can write down for future reference too. 


I know it hurts today...but please seek help, you will be dealing with not only the grief from the loss of your child but the grief from the loss of your marriage at the same time. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

It must be so hard for you. Hang in there. Don't be so tough on yourself. Sometimes the word "doormat" is wrongly used. You are a woman who truly loves her husband, and wanted to forgive him for all the wrongs he has done. You held faithfully to your marriage vows, through thick and thin, despite his bad behavior. That makes you a strong, faithful, forgiving and loving woman. You are not a pathetic doormat just because you showed better values against someone who hurt you, and be the better loving person.

You have suffered enough and done enough to save your marriage. In my opinion, he no longer deserves a woman like you and you should let him go for good. Its normal to still miss him, as we all do here for our partner who left us. But it doesn't mean the person is right for us anymore.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I am so very sorry for you loss of your baby. Very sad. 
But it really does sound like your husband is a nasty piece of work. 
Hang in there. You will move forward and someday in the future there will be a happier better place for you with someone who you deserve. 
Just take the time now to get over your terrible loss. 

big hugs.


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## jasmine79 (Jul 5, 2010)

Thank you all for your wonderful words of advise especially set me free, sue molly and drsparkle. you see to understand what I'm going through. I met my counseller on Saturday, I could speak quite well about all I had been thru with my stbxh, but when we got to the part about my baby, i couldnt say anything and I just crumbled, cried uncontrollably. She then told me that I have been dealt a double blow and we need to start working on me dealing with my daughters death because it seems thats whats killing me the most right now. Its been 5 weeks, but I still feel so emotionally raw about my baby.
I have been NC with HIM since the day I lost my baby, I feel so much anger towards him that it scares me.
Im scared I will be stuck in this rut of emotions and bitterness.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You're going through a lot of grieving and it's going to be tough to get through. Don't beat yourself up for missing him. Part of what you're missing is all your hopes and dreams and the things you built into your relationship. If he's not really willing to commit to that and he's not wiling to stick it out now, then you have to accept that he isn't choosing to be what he said he was. Maybe once he was a good guy that cared about you, but right now, he's choosing to be a jack***. It feels like you're going to be stuck in that rut of feelings and missing him forever, but you won't be. The first 2 months are the worst, but you have to hang in there. Don't call him or pursue him; just let him go. Instead, try to find support for yourself with other people and activities -- journal your thoughts, write him letters that you don't send (I do this because I miss my WH like crazy; I'm hoping he stops blaming me for exposing the affairs so that we can try to reconcile, but he's violent and angry and it's not safe for me to be in that right now; so I write him letters every day and express everything and I DON'T send them!), watch movies about cheating guys and the gals who have the guts to get over them. Above all, distract yourself from this feeling! And, if you don't have friends, go get a counselor. I did this and it helps a lot.

You're in a terrible place where you are not valuing yourself because of what you're going through. Don't beat yourself up for being a feeling, caring person. You don't need him to be happy. Surround yourself with people and things that show you that you are valuable!


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## harmonynme (Feb 17, 2013)

I lost my baby at 14 weeks, and I cannot even walk into the gynecologist's office without breaking into tears - and it's been 8 years. 

I think, more than anything, you are grieving for her, and it's a grief you should both be sharing. Instead, he's running away from his, to a band-aid. Shame on the woman who accept it (then again, we never know what they tell them - they eventually find out, though, and "they", usually end up being the "us" of later, if you've a tendency to be co-dependent, which is sounds like you are).

I am sooo glad you've sought therapy. Grief counseling especially. You might also seek out a group in your area of women who've lost pregnancies. I found out there was one here - years later. 

For me, it was too late for me to ever have another child. That pregnancy would be my last chance. 

The others are right. YOU stuck to your vows. He didn't. Please keep yourself busy by finding every type of support group in your area. If you think you may be co-dependent, then al-anon, or adult children of alcoholics, try group therapy, abused women's groups, that's what I do. 

Mine left me for another woman two weeks ago after 10 years together. Sometimes I wake up and I can't believe this is happening. I just want to go back to sleep. But I know I have to keep a roof over my head, or I have a therapy group to go to.

Go to every type of group you can think of, until you begin to love yourself the way others - your friends, family, love you. Because when you begin to love yourself, you'll look entirely different to him, as well.

You ARE WORTH IT!!!


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