# Multiple Issues, Don't want to waste 16 years.



## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

hello and welcome to my self induced nightmare. i am sorry this might be long. 

background. 37yrs old married for 16 years. have 2 boys 17 and 13. started off young and married young by an oops baby. we fought thu most issues and came out on top most of the marriage seems that when we would face an issue we would get thru it and find a solution and move on. but i think our nine lives has run out. most of this all started back in 2009. before 2009 i have had 4 knee surgeries on my knee's (3 ON RIGHT, 1 LEFT.) i got no cartilage on my knee caps. and i got 2 herniated disk in my lower back. hereditary they say. lets say i am a mess physically. hehe

i lost my job in feb 09 (cutbacks) . i got sick then and went to many Dr's wondering what it was. went to RA dr. she thought it was Fibromalagia, RA, since most if not all my symptoms mimicked it. blood test i was positive for lymes. oral antibiotics did nothing. went to the hospital and had a picc line implanted and was on IV antibiotics for 32 days. (google picc line and its not fun). got somewhat better. found out i had lymes for almost a year before getting diagnosed. was wondering why i felt like crap all the time. just blamed it on bad back and knees.
felt like crap few months later, tested positive again for lymes, antibiotics given and went away. and then 9 months later a new infection.3 positive lymes in 2 years really destroys a body. bad short term memory, body hurts. 
last year seeing the RA dr again, she said i had Psoriatic Arthritis. cause all my joints are riddled with arthritis and are swollen. tried a few different drugs, but should be switching to a biologic soon, simponi. ( humera, remicade, types of drugs) wife works for a JNJ company and i would get it for free.
also for the pain i been on opiates for the 3 years. been taking oxycontin, roxicodone for the pain. barely can function without them. i am physically and mentally addicted, but not addicted in the sense i am abusing them. i take the same amounts every day, might take an extra or two for more pain. been seeing a phyc dr and a therapist for chronic pain and head issues from the lymes, severe depression and what ever comes with chronic pain suffering. i get panic attacks now and my adhd is much worse. i cant concentrate very well.

for the past 3 years i been a mess and she has been there for me. but from being in pain, and the fog that all the meds have put me in i am distant and want to be alone. i have no feelings at all, nor can i communicate them to my wife. when we fight she does all the talking and yelling, i just site there and stare trying to remember what she says, but i cant remember. i am a zombie. i can barely do laundry or do chores i need to. i am scared of death doing the bills cause i mess them up and cannot plan ahead. thank god my kids are older cause i can barely take care of myself. i feel bad for my wife and the kids. i cant commuinicate with my wife without her getting made really. i dont do anything to fix it or plan time for us or the family to do things. if i do, its half assed and not thought out. 
i wasnt this way, i was very out going willing to do anything with her. now she sees me slipping into a child like state and she is thinking of divorce cause she needs someone there for her that will pick up the slack when she needs it. i dont think i can be that person. i used to be. but i am a shell of my formal self. i know from all the pain meds and other meds have made me worse, none of this is her fault. 
i am trying to get better by going to see a therapist and i been talking it with the Dr about doing a detox program to get off the meds and see how i respond and what my pain levels really are. i dont think she can wait for me to get thru this all. she has suffered enough by my hands and i am really the blame. i should have done something sooner to help myself and be be a better friend and husband for her. i cant even tell her how much i love her and need her with out sounding like a child saying it to their mother. i cant cry or laugh anymore. i am a zombie. 
i love her will all my being. she is my world and she says i cant be happy with the relationship with all the arguements. i tell her i am happy with her, its the truth, but i am so tense around her. i dont know if i should walk away for her to let her be happy and free from my mess or not. it would kill me to see her with another man knowing that i could fix it one day. my only goal it to have her be happy and she is not now. i dont care about me being happy cause if she is happy then i know i will too. therapy takes a long time and detox is a week away from home. i dont know what to do. 
sorry for the rambling but trying to keep up with my mind and typing is a chore.
thanks for all the advice, cold hard truths, good and bad. i bet this could be in many other forums like the addiction one, or others. but i thought it was best here.


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