# Can't say Merry Christmas



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

This is the first Christmas I have spent without my husband in 23 years. Tonight has been incredibly hard and I know tomorrow will be too because I will be alone for a good part of the day. I texted him about pick up for our son tomorrow and at the end I wrote 
"Merry Christmas". He didn't even respond. How can you go to loving someone and spending so many years with them to this? 

A little history... he walked out on me four months ago and now has a girlfriend. Still, you even say Merry Christmas to strangers!!! Really hurting right now.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I could barely look at my STBXW when I dropped off the kids xmas outfits last night. 
It's hard for me to keep the peace during the holidays, because once I get the kids, she is going across country to meet up with her new friend. 
A hard thing for me to accept at this point.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

No decorations or tree for me either this year...it all stayed in the shed. Nothing. And I have 'a lot' of decorations. Nothing. I haven't said the words "merry christmas" to 'one' person nor do I intend too. It has been said to me and all I can do is nod. I cannot say it. I cannot respond. I have nothing to say. I have no cheer and quite frankly I cannot 'fake' it. This has been the worst holiday of my life. I've never experienced nor did I ever think I would experience this before...yet here I am. Alone. Literally I will be isolated and alone. I feel what you other loners are feeling as well. I'm sorry your going through it I'm even sorry I'm going through it. None of us should be. None of us. If anything we at least should all be at my house hanging out...I wish. Lets just get through the day...lets just get through it. We can't change it...it's not going to go away and we cant control what our stbx's are doing...I've been in a whirlwind of a roller coaster this week...so yea...maybe I should download skype and see if anyone else wants to talk...or call...I'm sposed to be meeting new people now anyway right? LOL! 
x0x0x0


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## keepthefaith (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm right there with y'all. This is my first Christmas alone in 23 years. My stbxh is spending his Christmas with his family..that I absolutely love....and his gf...he has had her since the moment we separated. My boys, 17 & 13, just left to go to their dad's. I know that they will get many great gifts from their dad and they have already gotten quite a bit from his family and his gf. My family on the other hand is not as financially sound and there are no gifts exchanged. Don't get me wrong, my boys had gifts from me under the tree this morning but they will be a VERY dim comparison to what they will get from their father. I know the season is not about the material things but I also know that, especially in a kid's mind, it is always more enjoyable when you get some great gifts. 
I try not to cry when my boys are around but I couldn't help it this morning. I just miss the joy of Christmas morning.


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## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi,
I am another one who was married for twenty years (and dated him five years before that). I am spending Christmas with our sons, but just cannot get over the fact that he just has no interest in being a family, especially today. I even offered to stop over there with gifts from the boys, but he plans on seeing them later in the week. He was always a party pooper on Christmas, so why do I feel so sad?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

It is difficult any time of the year, but when so many are high on the events of the season, it makes your currently low in life even lower. It was the most difficult time in my life, when I was in you place and my marriage was not near as long as yours. You are correct, he would even extend to a stranger a simple holiday greeting, so his total lack of respect is inexcusable. He doesn't have to be your buddy, but there is any reason not to be cordial. 

The only thing you can do is the best you can to get through the holidays. Starting the first of the year you have some work to do to ensure it doesn't happen again. You control the HAPPY BUTTON in your life, never let anybody take that away from you. Becoming a healthier, happier, more interesting you will help ensure that next Christmas finds you in a more festive mood. As for me, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a joyous New Year.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It looks like we are all in the same boat. I wish you all peace. 

As long as next year's Xmas will be better than this year's, then I have something to look forward to.

This year was a non-Xmas.

I didn't know it could be this painful.

I don't want to wish my STBXW a "Merry Christmas". I've thought a lot about her recently - her actions, her deeds - and I don't think she is someone I can care for anymore. 

So many lives and families destroyed out there. I had no idea what it was like until it happened to me. 

TAM threads should be required reading for married couples.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It looks like we are all in the same boat. I wish you all peace.
> 
> *As long as next year's Xmas will be better than this year's, then I have something to look forward to.*
> 
> ...


Putting hope and assumptions to the future.

Rather than working on the present and now.

Will do nothing but define insanity.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

First Xmas without my ex in 13 years
I'm spending it with my family, I haven't even wished him a Merry Xmas and I won't either. He is hosting dinner for his soulmate's family. No doubt showing off and trying to be something he's not  I wonder if he'll spend five hours making canapes thereby neglecting the actual dinner like he did last year

I'm not in the same place you guys are but what helps me is thinking of all the annoying things he would do and how I don't have to put up with them this year

It will be over soon enough, it's not an easy time of year to be single that's for sure. Just grit your teeth and you'll get through it

Merry Xmas to you all from me


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Christmas Day.....just like any other day. I feel alone. My kids aren't in a good place. I won't see them today. My ex had his Christmas Eve party (the one we hosted prior) with his new wife. He told me that he wanted to call it off due to the kids not attending. I understood that.

As parents, when your children aren't right you aren't right. It makes me sad. 

All I can do it tell myself, that this is Christ's birthday and isn't about me or my kids!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Putting hope and assumptions to the future.
> 
> Rather than working on the present and now.
> 
> Will do nothing but define insanity.



I will be with my kids next Xmas. 

That in and of itself will make it better.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*Wow..what a downer of a thread!*



Theloner said:


> I was married before as well. One thing is for certain, I will never want to marry again. I will live out the remainder of my life in silent serenity.


 Ready to pack it in at age 50 eh? Pretty sad. So for the next 20 or so years you are going to live like a monk. Take a vow of silence? Of celibracy? Live on bread and water? I mean, come on....

Hey, I understand where all of you are coming from but you are all ALIVE and I assume reasonably healthy. There are people out there in hospital beds dying of some terminal disease who would do anything to be you..and you are getting depressed by the fact that some miserable person who has done miserable things to you to make you miserable is no longer in your life? :slap: That makes no sense. 

Ok, so the marriage is no more. You are lonely. Your kids are with the other side but they will be with you again and you can celebrate in some other way, on another day. December 25th is just a date. 

What was the weather like today? Was it sunny as it was here? Or snowing? You can go out for a hike or read a good book with a glass of wine or if it's raining and cold, watch a funny movie or just lie down and listen to some nice music.

After I separated from my husband one of my greatest pleasures was to light a scented candle, put some good tunes on, drink a glass of wine and just veg out. No stress, or yelling or screaming, no nagging. It's 3 am and you can go outside and get a cup of coffee or take a drive and no one is giving you a hard time. There's a GOOD side to being single! 

This was indeed the first Christmas without my husband and it was GREAT. No antics, no problems, no head games. My kids and I shopped for food and presents for each other the other day, cooked it yesterday and did laundry and I wrapped presents listening to my Ipod and sipped wine and ate the lobster dinner that my H and I used to eat together and it tasted just as good, if not better. 

We woke up, opened gifts and ate good food. If I'd been alone for some reason I would've gone for a drive and taken a hike. It was a beautiful day, why not? 

Life WILL get better. You can dwell on the past and what you used to have, dwell on what you don't have and plan your funeral or you can endeavor to make the best of the situation and find pleasure and happiness in the small things. 

Maybe volunteer to help others out who don't have as much as you do? There are homeless out there who would love to have a warm, dry bed and a hot meal. Might put things in perspective if you devoted some time giving to others instead of going over what you don't have. 

Sorry, but this thread is a real downer. I understand and can emphasize but there comes a point where you have to stop staring back at the road you've travelled and look ahead to to the next destination.

There's a reason we are all divorced. Maybe it's just me, but I think I'm in a better place alone then being with someone who has crapped all over me for years. Better to be by yourself then with someone who makes you miserable. 

Merry Christmas to you all and for goodness sake, go have yourself a Happy New Year. I don't even want to think about how you will all deal with Valentine's Day.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I had an OK Christmas. STBX is still in the house, so we did the AM present-opening thing, then I took the kids to grandmas, then brought them home for the evening and headed back out. I did an OK job at keeping up my spirits, but instead of reminiscing over the good times (which would be hard to find anyway), I was focused on the things ahead, kinda like what Freak said.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Yeah this is the first Christmas that I have spent away from my WAW in 27 years or so-makes it tough when you see happy couples with kids and friends. Also first Christmas morning without the morning ritual of kids opening gifts(12 and 17) now. So much hurt and emotional stress and so needless-maybe the first one is the worst? I have been in the nc/detachment mode for a couple of weeks and have seen increased contact chatter from WAW but feel I have lost some ground today. Another sobering thought is that I am preparing to move on and the WAW is not as 'attractive' as she was even recently. Reckon that is the way it is supposed to work.


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## UsagiNeko (Aug 15, 2012)

I'm right there with you all. This was my first Christmas without my husband. Yeah I still had a great time with my family, but there's still this empty hole in my heart, and now that everything has died down, it's starting to hit me pretty bad. I've told him that we should sign the papers next month, even though it's not what I really want, but I feel like I have to do it.

Even though I got most of what I wanted for Christmas, the one thing I really want I can never have again...


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Yeah Usagi I know what you mean and how you feel. I am coming to realize that 'hope' for what once was is my enemy. I reckon our degree of devastation is directly related to how much we loved our marriage and family BUT the walkaway or cheater didn't value the marriage, family, and life built together so much. Knowing that I have to recognize this reality and get on with my life doesn't help the raw pain and hurt at this point. But right now it is a very distant consolation that things will be better at some point. Anyway Christmas really slammed home the hurt and loss. Having a rougher few days here but I will get through-after all there isn't any other choice is there?


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