# Considering breaking off engagment and relationship with my fiancee



## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

My quick thought....follow your gut feeling....your having second thoughts and it seems that you have had them for a awhile....its better to be truthful now and avoid A or D in the near future....

Good Luck...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are having these doubts, it's better to not get married at this time. You can still be there for her and the baby. But don't get married just because it's already in motion.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Always honor whatever it is that your "gut instincts" are trying to tell you!

But now, you must do it within the bounds of being the father that you have so subjected yourself to be!*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.


Could you BE any more cliche? Mere months before your wedding and hearing the news of a pregnancy YOU were very much a PART of making happen, you suddenly want to run away because all these grownup responsibilities are hitting you all at once? I guess your fiancee will have to be the adult for BOTH of you since she'll be raising this baby alone while you're hiding under your mother's skirt.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

dna test.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why are you deciding you don't want to be married or have a relationship AFTER getting your fiancée pregnant. That decision should be made before.

What are your reasons for abandoning them?
Is she a liar? Is she unfaithful? Is she less attractive since you knocked her up?

Or is it just a "feeling".

My opinion: you've wasted ten years on her and now have a baby on the way. You could have left anytime in the last ten years. 

Man up and take care of business and stop wimping out of your responsibility.
Stop thinking of excuses.

If you have logical reasons why you feel she's be a bad wife, let's hear them. " I have feelings"....
That's a load of poo.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Quick question... Are you interested in another woman?


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

Biz009 said:


> Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.



Hi @Biz009

Thanks for your message. 

Ok, so lets just tackle this from a slightly different angle. 

Firstly, you aren't the first, nor will you be the last person to have doubts as you get close to big day. It's perfectly normal to use this as a time to reflect on how much you love your partner and whether they are the right fit for you long term. As men, freedom is a big part of our lives. I don't mean freedom in the sense of going any 'hooking' up with other women, but simply the idea of a life long commitment to something does bring out fears in some men. Often that fear can take us away from truly appreciating the beauty of what we have right in front of us, right now.

Secondly, when it comes to your actual fiance, you mentioned that you don't have nearly the same strong feelings as you did earlier on. I'm curious - what is it that you think has led you to have these feelings diminish? One of the most common things that happen in a relationship is that, as time passes, the effort put into the relationship drops and then the relationship starts to die a slow death. Rather than making a conscious effort to grow it, it's easy to rest on your laurels and let things meander along. Hence sometimes these moments, like what you're going through, are a wonderful thing. To help you reassess and grow. 

Now am I saying that you should be with her forever? Not at all. My best friend married 10 years ago and at the time, he was lonely and needed companionship. Sadly now, he has grown exponentially as a person but she hasn't. In this situation, I would definitely say that they need to separate but he has kids with her and it's messy...My point is that you can outgrow a relationship.

My recommendation would be that you you ask yourself the questions:

Is it really that I don't connect with her or love her? Or is it that the long term thought of being in a marriage forever scares me? 

If you do truly love her, then there are strategies that you can use to reignite the fire in the relationship so you can create a passionate, loving relationship. I would hate to see you exit something that has the potential to give you long term happiness when it was a case of just asking the right questions and being truly honest with yourself. Not only this, but the child added into the equation is also a massive reason to ensure that you've given your all to the relationship. 

If you feel that you don't love her anymore and you genuinely believe that she isn't the one, then it's important to be honest now about it. It's not fair on either of you to lets things drag on out of fear of hurting people. Either way, you all get hurt...

So anyway, I hope that helps. As I said, i'm not saying that you should stay or go. I'm just saying that, given the investment you've made so far in the relationship, it's only right that you ask the right questions before you decide on what action to take. Yes, you must always trust your gut but you must make sure you are in a centred emotional place before the gut can lead you in the right direction. 

Good luck my friend and keep us posted on your progress.

Thanks
Sri


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

If you truly feel like you shouldn't marry then please don't make her suffer. Guess what, you are stuck the rest of your life to her because she is having your baby. 

Do one thing right, don't run out on being an awesome father. That is your task to complete in life. 

But, make 100% sure you aren't running because you are scared. Marriage is and should always be a life commitment as is having children.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Quick question... Are you interested in another woman?


Yes obviously, That isn't the issue.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Tomara said:


> If you truly feel like you shouldn't marry then please don't make her suffer. Guess what, you are stuck the rest of your life to her because she is having your baby.
> 
> Do one thing right, don't run out on being an awesome father. That is your task to complete in life.
> 
> ...


Just worried I am making a mistake and honestly scared Probably shouldn't be as I have been with her for the better of 10 years and honestly not sure where these feelings and doubts are coming from. I want to be the best father I can possibly be to my child.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Biz009 said:


> Yes obviously, That isn't the issue.


Actually - IT IS AN ISSUE. If you are romanticly interested in ANOTHER woman - now, of all times. It is an ISSUE! Have you already had sex with the other woman? Are you about to have sex with the other woman?

How long have you known this other woman vs. when feelings for your fiancee started to go soft?

Go to a marriage counselor now. Both you and your fiancee. Determine quickly if you are going to work things out or go away. It would have been best if there wasn't a child on the way. You've got 18 years of child support to plan for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Biz009 said:


> commonsenseisn't said:
> 
> 
> > Quick question... Are you interested in another woman?
> ...


Why is it not an issue that you are interested in another woman?

When did you become interested in this other woman? What is your relationship with her?


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Omg I completely misread that question when I read it, I read it like are you interested in women. God no, there isn't another women. I love my fiancee and wouldn't ever cheat on her. Sorry really sorry for that misunderstanding. Sorry I can't really explain my feelings any better then fear in all honesty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Biz009 said:


> Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? *Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. * And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.


The above sounds like more than fear. It sounds like your relationship is not that good right now.

It’s not unusual for a relationship to go through a hard time during pregnancy. You are used it being just you and your gf. Now her attention is turned a lot towards that baby. It’s going to turn even more towards the baby after she/he is born.

One way to handle this is for you to turn your attention right now towards helping/supporting her in the pregnancy. Then after the baby is born she’s going to need a lot of help and your baby will need a lot of attention.

But, there is another issue, you have been together for 10 years. It’s very usual for a relationship to go through periods where you feel a lot of love/passion and then some where you don’t. The idea is that when you don’t quite feel it to turn your focus on looking at the relationship and changing what needs to be changed. Relationships need regular tune-ups just like your car does.

There are some books that I think would help you do this. They are for both of you to read and have work for both of you to do.

“Love Busters” & “His Needs, Her Needs” (see links in my signature block below.)

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I liken this post to hearing a beautiful love song.

A beautiful love song coming from your mouth and directed at a beautiful young women.

She becomes mesmerized by your tone and your emotions while crooning her.

Soon the crooning turns to spooning and you impregnate her.

She has such a contented and beautiful smile on her face...she is so happy.

You pick her up and carry her, not over the threshhold, no, you carry her over to the cliff. And now you are ready to drop her and your baby into the abyss.

Shame!


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## BlueandBlond (Jun 20, 2016)

Follow your gut feeling. Don't marry. Be there for your child and be great co-parents. I wish I had listen to my gut feeling before I married the first time. But, because we were set in motion, I thought it was too late only to separate 3.5 years later and with one child. You will feel better after.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

It is incredibly unfortunate that you have these feelings now that you've gotten her pregnant and are due to be married in less than four months, but there's nothing you can do about that. 

To go ahead with the marriage would be a mistake unless you want it, and you obviously don't. 

What you're going to have to do is follow your gut (as others have said), sit her down and discuss your feelings with her, and for goodness sake try to be sensitive about it. Chances are she's completely oblivious and is picturing the rest of her life with you and the baby, not anticipating any problems let alone you calling off the wedding, and entire relationship for that matter. This will probably break her heart, but the sooner you do it the better.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> The above sounds like more than fear. It sounds like your relationship is not that good right now.
> 
> It’s not unusual for a relationship to go through a hard time during pregnancy. You are used it being just you and your gf. Now her attention is turned a lot towards that baby. It’s going to turn even more towards the baby after she/he is born.
> 
> ...


The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

Biz009 said:


> I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.


At the end of the day, it all comes down to one question - do you love her? If so, then you can get through pretty much anything with tenacity and perseverance. If not, or you feel that love has weakened recently, then you should not go through with the marriage even though it is the easy route.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps the fear of permanence is overwhelming you. In society we are constantly bombarded with the newest next best thing. After 10 years of perceived happiness now you feel blase towards the relationship. It is not surprising given our culture. Try looking at this not from the perspective of is this the best possible scenario for me but rather look at it as I will make this the best possible scenario for me.

Those that wait for life to deliver the perfect situation into their laps are quite often disappointed however, those that make the best of whatever scenario they find themselves in are much more likely to find real happiness. It is about contentment and satiety both with ones self and with ones situation. One can wait for a great marriage or one can make their marriage great.

After 10 years together I can only assume that there is genuine caring and devotion between you and if so, then a great marriage is yours for the making or the losing depending on your committment level. It is hard work. Good fortune to you and congratulations on your first child. Make it great.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Biz009 said:


> The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.


What you are stating here is common prior to a wedding. In today's world, everyone wants these "perfect" weddings while going through ridiculous amounts of stress. I don't see where it's worth it.

My question for you is: Why did she get pregnant? Failure of birth control? No birth control?


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

My question for you is why are you risking ruining such a good thing by getting married?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Biz009 said:


> I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.


That seems like many wrong reasons to get married.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> What you are stating here is common prior to a wedding. In today's world, everyone wants these "perfect" weddings while going through ridiculous amounts of stress. I don't see where it's worth it.
> 
> My question for you is: Why did she get pregnant? Failure of birth control? No birth control?


We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly. 

She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I had a street bike. Loved riding. But they're called donorxycles for a reason by doctors. 
When you hold that baby and get to be a dad, it's possible you may feel differently about the bikes.
Being a dad will change you a lot.

Do you love your gf?
Do you want to move on and not have her in your life?

It's really simple. Either you want to move on, or you don't.
If you don't, get married and make it a good marriage. Date her. Take her places. Love her. Satisfy her needs, and get satisfaction from doing that.

If that idea doesn't appeal to you, then call off the wedding and move on.
You can't have it both ways. Either break her heart now, or not after she's wasted her youth on a man that doesn't love her.

Stop making this complicated. You don't HAVE to marry her. It's your choIce.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Biz009 said:


> We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.
> 
> She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.



Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not be selling your bike. Tell her that you understand her she fears that you will one day hurt yourself, but you will not be selling your bike. Tell her that she will either accept you as you are or the wedding will not happen. 

Let her know that her attempts to change you are causing you to wonder if marriage is a good idea. Her trying to change you will cause you to resent her, which is toxic to a marriage. If she resents you for NOT changing, then that also is toxic to a marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.
> 
> She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but *she can't give me a reason as to why.*




Uh, you just wrote that she is worried about you getting hurt. You are going to be her husband and a father. She loves you. You want to leave her at the starting gate after you filled her gas tank up with a high test baby.

Wake up kid. Read what you write. 

Riding a hot sport bike takes quick reflexes and a quick mind. You have to be quick witted to read life's curves ahead of you. Careless cage drivers always win when you come into contact with them.

She may be aware of your under powered common sense. You are quick off the line. Very quick. Your mid-range mind power needs a re-map. Top end is bad, I think you have a couple of bad plugs. You are not firing on all cylinders. And the noise coming out of your voice box is rattling the windows on TAM headquarters. The mechanics at TAM are confused. Some want you to scrap your fiancee, some want you to get riding lessons, I want to throttle you......back to sanity.

Your mind is on sport bikes. Very immature. She knows the way you ride and she has heard all the tales of you riding down side-streets at 120 mph and you leaving Jaguars, Porches, and Corvettes in your wake. 

Your pregnant fiancee's mind is on the future. Who has the common sense here. Marry her and take damn good care of her. On the bikes, do not sell them. Keep them parked until your age equals [1/3 minus 10 years] of their top speed. God, I hope yours is not a Hayabusa.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

No, My one bike is a Ducati 959 Panigale and my other bike is a Yamaha R6 Just rather hard to give up something in which you love as I do riding I don't even own a car lol, She owns our only four-wheel vehicle and its a new truck. I don't want to move on from my fiancee at all I love her a lot just I don't know I guess I am just being dumb/stubborn. I don't know what I will do riding is a passion and a lot of fun. Rather die doing something I enjoyed but I guess I can't think like that anymore.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

First they make you sell the bike. Then the end of fun. Soon enough you're neutered and tamed. That's when she looses interest in you because you're exactly what she made you. And a kid in the way? Goodbye sex life. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'd tell her she needs to learn to ride the r6 of your out. 


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Biz,
She is pregnant now. That does change things. I am not suggesting you sell your bikes, BUT I have a pointed question for you. How much life insurance do you have?

At your (young) age, term insurance is very inexpensive. Ballpark cost ratio is 2000 to 1 per year. For example, if you earn 75k and bring home 60k, you could get 600K of insurance for 25$/month. That my man - is a LOT of peace of mind for a partner as it represents 10 years of take home. 

And - this doesn't reflect on your skills as a driver. It is simply recognition that many drivers on the road today are talking / texting or otherwise distracted. 




Biz009 said:


> We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.
> 
> She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Biz,
If you love the woman, stop the cold feet BS and take care of business. 
Does she ever lie to you?
Does she have weak character?
Does she look forward to seeing you every day?
I don't know about everyone, but I have three kids and sex was never a problem. Actually, her drive picked up in her mid thirties and she left me to go chase more ****s with more money. Told me so. Said if I made 150k or more a year, 99% of our problems would disapear. 

Don't worry about the sex if it's good and regular now. Do t worry about anything but her character.
Yeah, she may turn out to be horrible. None of them come with an owner's manual or a written guarantee.

You don't have to quit riding. But you probably should. It's super dangerous. But if you live it that much...,.., She knows that about you already.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

No way you come off looking good if you abandon your pregnant fiancee. The divorce courts will eat you up and spit you out if you get married and then leave her. You still will get slammed for child support and the medical costs. Plus you will always feel guilty for doing so and have to confront your child some day because he mom has been telling him/her that you deserted her because she was pregnant with him/her. Then you next girlfriend will learn about it and have second thoughts about a man who leaves his pregnant girlfriend or wife, soon after the child is born. You are between a rock and a hard place but that is what happens when you do not use protection. Pregnancies, whether planned or unplanned, ruin lots of relationships and marriages. It takes two to make a baby and now you have the responsibility to take care of the child. If you marry you also have to support your new wife. If you do not love her, the logical thing to do is tell her you do not love her but you will be there to support the child and her. You will have child support payments for 18 years. If you divorce after you marry, you will have both child support and alimony. Plus you get to give your wife half of your property and money. All because someone took no protection against pregnancy or wanted a child before they married. You are screwed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> First they make you sell the bike. Then the end of fun. Soon enough you're neutered and tamed. That's when she looses interest in you because you're exactly what she made you. And a kid in the way? Goodbye sex life.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ouch!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

959 Ducati Pangale'

Nice bike!

158 Hp

440 lbs. very light

160 mph when the engine slams into the rev limiter.

1/3 x 160 = ~53

53 -10 years = 43 years old. You can ride it then. That should age/mature you enough!

Yea, right...


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> 959 Ducati Pangale'
> 
> Nice bike!
> 
> ...


Yeahhhhhh Sureeeeeeeeee. But in all seriousness never hit the max speed on the bike. And I just bought 2mill in life insurance not three months ago so I feel like my bases are covered there.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> First they make you sell the bike. Then the end of fun. Soon enough you're neutered and tamed. That's when she looses interest in you because you're exactly what she made you. And a kid in the way? Goodbye sex life.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well that is a brutal way to look at it. :scratchhead:



WorkingOnMe said:


> I'd tell her she needs to learn to ride the r6 of your out.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She used to ride with me stopped a few months before she even found out she was pregnant I suppose her spidey senses about the pregnancy were great or she has just been trying to change me or at least on her mind for awhile.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Biz,
> If you love the woman, stop the cold feet BS and take care of business.
> Does she ever lie to you?
> Does she have weak character?
> ...


If she truly understood how much I truly loved it then she wouldn't try to be changing me I feel like. No she hasn't ever lied to me but she has kept things from me a few times to try and protect me. And no her character isn't weak and she used to look forward to seeing me but since the wedding has been getting closer and closer and the pregnancy it is like I am on the back burner.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Biz009 said:


> I don't want to break her heart and I don't want to hurt her in anyway, But I guess my options are limited and we are already tot his point so I might as well carry on with the marriage.



No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't EVER get married if you're not ABSOLUTELY sure this is a best possible idea. 

Don't do it. 

I cannot go into details due to privacy issues, but I knew my first marriage was a mistake. I was too constrained by social pressure to call it off---even though my heart and brain told me I should.

I regretted it deeply. 

You need to follow your gut instinct. Do NOT feel you can't call it off. Ever.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.


She is pregnant, hormones are going stir crazy in her. It happens, trust me, my wife would start crying out of the blue for no reason and unable to say why. The arguments could be because she is expecting and her hormones are off.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Biz009 said:


> The relationship isn't terrible but it isn't the best it could possibly be either. We haven't fought as much as we have these past two weeks about the wedding her family and I mean we usually work as a team and don't let anything come in between us but it feels like she cares more about her family and this wedding then me at times.


Did you tell HER that? This is a time of stress. You need to talk even more now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The relationship isn't as good as it could be. 

Yet both of you thought this was a good time to get pregnant.

HUH????????

Planning a wedding is stressful. Pregnancy is stressful.

Please expand on WHY this was a "good" time to start a family. Seriously.

P.S. - How old are both of you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Biz,
We got married when our child was a year old. That was 25+ years ago - so - give me a sec while I do some quick math:

Ball park - 30,000 hours of marital operating experience. 

Let's start with - I am baffled by your delivery style. You say: I got 2MM in life insurance. But not a word about how your fiancée reacted to that news. It is - seriously odd - to do something rock solid like that - and not even mention how the person you did it for reacted. 





Biz009 said:


> Hello guys, I am new and would appreciate a third parties perspective on thing. My fiancee and I have been togeather for about 10 years, I am 26 and she is 27 we are supposed to get married this July at her parent's house in Seattle and we live on the other side of the country from them but anyways. We both have careers/stable jobs we enjoy and love but last few months with the pending marriage I have honestly been not sure how to put this I guess doubting the relationship? Things haven't been feeling the same for me not near as close as we were when we were first in this relationship and not feeling near as strongly in love and I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't want to get married to her and then realize it was a mistake and waste all of this time and money and effort for nothing only to divorce right away ya know? So I have honestly been contemplating just ending the engagement/relationship and taking a step back and try and reevaluate. But I honestly don't know if that is the right call either ya know? We just found out we are expecting our first child and I don't want to abandon her right when we are about to become a family. Just honestly unsure what to do or how to handle this, Any advice is honestly much appreciated.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

I don't see it as odd or anything I guess we are just different when I told her that I had gotten life insurance it didn't make her more secure it made her angry so I honestly don't understand it.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> The relationship isn't as good as it could be.
> 
> Yet both of you thought this was a good time to get pregnant.
> 
> ...



She is 27 and I am 26, No time is truly a perfect time to start a family.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> No, My one bike is a Ducati 959 Panigale and my other bike is a Yamaha R6 Just rather hard to give up something in which you love as I do riding I don't even own a car lol, She owns our only four-wheel vehicle and its a new truck. I don't want to move on from my fiancee at all I love her a lot just I don't know I guess I am just being dumb/stubborn. I don't know what I will do riding is a passion and a lot of fun. Rather die doing something I enjoyed but I guess I can't think like that anymore.


I was on my bike at 4am on my way to work. It had stormed that night and the storm laid a tree across the road. I came over the rise in the road and there it was. I remember hitting the brakes and the first impact with the ground. Then waking up in the middle of the road. It was a wake up call for me, I loved my kids more. I was not going to take a chance of not being there for them again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.
> 
> She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why.


She is having your baby, she is scared you might not be there for them. My wife was scared about just going through the pregnancy when we had our first, not that she told me until years later. She might not even realize why herself. She wants you to be with her for a long time. Do you really want to force her to admit she is scared of losing you in an accident?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Biz009 said:


> No time is truly a perfect time to start a family.


That is quite true. This is not a perfect world. But it sounds like you are feeling some resentment over her request to get rid of the bike. Isn't there some room for compromise? You are considering breaking off the engagement. Do you feel just living together might be a better idea?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Biz009 said:


> Yeahhhhhh Sureeeeeeeeee. But in all seriousness never hit the max speed on the bike. And I just bought 2mill in life insurance not three months ago so I feel like my bases are covered there.


Who is the beneficiary?

Look, you don't have to marry your GF. What you DO have to do is take care of your unborn child and its mother. If you don't marry, get a lawyer to draw up an agreement where you agree to donate a part of your salary for the next 20 years for the care of your child. And you'll agree to donate a further part of your salary for the part financial support of the person who will be spending the prime of her life bringing up YOUR child.

You do that and get her (and HER lawyer) to agree you are then free to do what you please in riding bikes, having new and amazing adventures, and so on until you grow up.

By the way, if you do marry, do your GF a favor and negotiate the agreement above so that if you later want out of the marriage you'll have your pre-nup available.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Biz009 said:


> We wanted to start a family and thought now was as good as a time as any honestly.
> 
> She is also trying to change me per-say she wants me to sell my two Sportsbikes and stop riding and I guess this is probably where a lot of the not good parts of the relationship and fighting are coming from. I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it and all of a sudden since the wedding planning got underway and what have you she has been riding me to sell them and stop riding because she feels like I am gonna get seriously injured or something on them. I mean I don't understand why this is becoming an issue now when it wasn't before. *And I have asked her about it but she can't give me a reason as to why*.





Biz009 said:


> I don't see it as odd or anything I guess we are just different *when I told her that I had gotten life insurance it didn't make her more secure it made her angry* so I honestly don't understand it.


Because OP, you're completely clueless. It's not about the money to your fiance. You could have $10M in life insurance and it still wouldn't make her feel secure. She doesn't want to lose YOU. She loves you, you are the father of her child. She wants to grow old with you and for your child to grow up with you. It's got nothing to do with money.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

sidney2718 said:


> Who is the beneficiary?
> 
> Look, you don't have to marry your GF. What you DO have to do is take care of your unborn child and its mother. If you don't marry, get a lawyer to draw up an agreement where you agree to donate a part of your salary for the next 20 years for the care of your child. And you'll agree to donate a further part of your salary for the part financial support of the person who will be spending the prime of her life bringing up YOUR child.
> 
> ...


She is the beneficiary.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Because OP, *you're completely clueless*. It's not about the money to your fiance. You could have $10M in life insurance and it still wouldn't make her feel secure. She doesn't want to lose YOU. She loves you, you are the father of her child. She wants to grow old with you and for your child to grow up with you. It's got nothing to do with money.


Well that is awful nice..... I know she does but she wants to take away a hobby/passion of mine. I Suppose I will have to do it because it is the right things to do and for the best.


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> That is quite true. This is not a perfect world. But it sounds like you are feeling some resentment over her request to get rid of the bike. Isn't there some room for compromise? You are considering breaking off the engagement. Do you feel just living together might be a better idea?


What kind of compromise? Selling both bikes seems kind of cut and dry and I don't think she truly would give an inch but I could try and talk to her and get her to let up a bit on it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Put the bikes in storage. Don't ride them for a few years. I think you should give it a try. It sounds like you really want to keep the bikes. I can understand her concerns.

Could you sell the bikes and somewhere down the road buy another or others?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

My husband rode motorcycles from the time he was physically able to ride. He wanted children. I told him he'd have to get rid of his motorcycle. He did. We had three children. When our youngest was about 13, my husband bought another motorcycle. He survived almost 20 years without a motorcycle. I know that sounds harsh to some people, but I needed my husband to raise our children with me. He did it because he wanted children. I understand that you love your hobby, but I also understand your fiancee's point of view. Life changes with children in the picture. We are now responsible for someone else and their life.

I think you and your fiancee should get some serious premarital counseling. Get these issues ironed out and go on to be happy together. This is serious. She needs you. Your baby needs you. She trusted you enough to have this baby with you, now prove her right.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Biz009 said:


> I don't see it as odd or anything I guess we are just different when I told her that I had gotten life insurance it didn't make her more secure it made her angry so I honestly don't understand it.


Because perhaps she figured it was your way of getting out of your responsibilities of being there for you, her and your child?

"Here! Here is some money! Now let me go kill myself on my one true love, my motorbike!"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

After over a decade together, something changed in your relationship.

I wonder what it could be?

Oh, yeah! One of you got pregnant...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Which do you prefer? A loving wife and child-- a family, or long, peaceful rides on a motorcycle?

If the motorcycle is that important (and I can tell it's a huge part of your life), you probably aren't ready for a family.

That's not a slight on you, just something to think about.

I gave fishing and hunting too much priority in my life. I'm divorced and my family is busted.

I wish I fished and hunted less, and invested more of my time in what I valued most. Or should have valued more.

You have got to find a way to make both of you happy, or neither of you will be.

Think bro--- if you love her, she's about the have your baby. You need to support your wife. Make her your priority. If you don't store your bikes, at least get a safe car and drastically reduce your riding.

But now importantly, change your lifestyle to one which invests in your family, not just your riding.
You won't regret it, I assure you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> Put the bikes in storage. Don't ride them for a few years. I think you should give it a try. It sounds like you really want to keep the bikes. I can understand her concerns.
> 
> Could you sell the bikes and somewhere down the road buy another or others?


I was you 40+ years ago. When I got married I had a half dozen bikes and 3 or 4 basket cases. Parts out the wazoo.

We moved many times and I slowly got rid of them. When I turned forty I put three bikes in storage. For 11 years.

Why? I saw the Hearse coming. 

On paper.....and in my charts. My intuition went into overdrive.

For fear my friends will ask me what I'm smoking I will say I was given a warning. I heeded that warning. 

I have friends on both sides.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Biz009 said:


> No, My one bike is a Ducati 959 Panigale and my other bike is a Yamaha R6 Just rather hard to give up something in which you love as I do riding I don't even own a car lol, She owns our only four-wheel vehicle and its a new truck. I don't want to move on from my fiancee at all I love her a lot just I don't know I guess I am just being dumb/stubborn. I don't know what I will do riding is a passion and a lot of fun. Rather die doing something I enjoyed but I guess I can't think like that anymore.


Don't be stupid dude. No passion or hobby is worth dying for.

"Taking that curve at 100 was wicked awesome. Totally worth ending my life." - Said no one ever


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The thing about motorcycles. There are two kinds of riders.
Those who have crash their bike (They screw up or hit by another car or truck which screws up or shat happens)
Those who have yet to crash their bike.

My dad lost limbs from a motorcycle crash. 

A helmet will save your life in some crashed, in others - it won't make a difference. 

Look up motorcycle accidents that involve large truck tires - that will rip your body into pieces in seconds... arms, legs instantly torn off, your guts pulled out and around the wheels and other guts turned into a red skid mark. If you're lucky, your dead instantly. There are videos and pics of these accidents on the internet.

A fender bender on a car is a dent or a damaged bumper. A motorcycle = can equal lost of limb or life.

Enjoy what you are doing? I just ride a bicycle as part of my work out... so its about 1/4~1/6 the speed of your motorcycle. But even people have died falling off of bikes.

Hard to enjoy life... when your are broken or dead.


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## ScottishGirl1998 (Dec 19, 2015)

Regarding the motorcycles, I have to agree. My father rode motorbikes every day until a few months before I was born, then he finally gave in to my mother's demands and stopped. In hindsight, he told me that it was the best thing he did and he could not have forgiven himself if it had gotten into an accident and was injured or killed leaving me without a father. If my mother hadn't pressured him though he wouldn't have stopped, so she knew best, and he realised that in later years. Perhaps you will too, or maybe not.

Fortunately my husband has shown no interest in motorbikes, but does drive a lot of different cars with his job, and I do get slightly nervous when he's driving something really old with no airbags etc, but at the end of the day even a very basic car is still safer than a motorbike. 

I'd suggest putting the motorbikes in storage so they are still there for the future, but you have to take her feelings into consideration and as has already been said, she won't be worried about losing your income if you were killed, but rather losing YOU. So life insurance is great and all (and I'd definitely recommend it in the practical sense), but it means nothing to her at this moment and that is perfectly understandable.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Change who you are to make her happy and there will be consequences. 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Because OP, you're completely clueless. It's not about the money to your fiance. You could have $10M in life insurance and it still wouldn't make her feel secure. She doesn't want to lose YOU. She loves you, you are the father of her child. She wants to grow old with you and for your child to grow up with you. It's got nothing to do with money.


Perfectly stated, so obvious...........but not to a Motorhead!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Change who you are to make her happy and there will be consequences.


Biz009 or anyone else for that matter... are NOT a motorcycle.

Now, there is a safer alternative... get a dirt-motor bike, and ride on terrain - that doesn't have CARS. It's called "compromise".
One of the things that make for a better / stronger marriage is that the two people merge themselves together. It does require BOTH people to make changes... they share and change aspects of themselves to be a unit. My wife and I do things together, that we both bring to the table. She is also into motorcycles - and for us to BE together, as my wife and mother of my son, she isn't allowed to be on a motorcycle on the street. While my father lost his limbs from being hit by a car, the injuries reduced his quality of life - you know, from the lack of limbs - it also cut short his lifespan. There are things you won't be able to do - or do easily with your wife or future kids if you are severely injured (loss of limbs, paralyzed - which means your penis doesn't work and you may be pooping into a bag, brain injuries).

I think motorcycles are beautiful machines. I love checking out what people do to them, the engineering and understand the thrill of them... you get to do 50~100+MPH on a highway that can almost feel like flying because you are exposed to the elements. Inches from the road. The feel of the motor between your legs and sometimes - the pressing of breasts on your back. I still get some elements of that on a bicycle going 25+ MPH, hell - it's thrilling to do 15mph on a bike path with trees all over the place. The most dangerous thing to a motorcyclist is other cars, then the hard concrete parts of the road and of course speed. I drove by a dead motorcyclist on the highway because he crashed into a concrete barrier at a turn... when a few minutes earlier - he blasted past me at about 125+MPH and I was doing 60. I made it to my destination that night, danced and got laid with my girlfriend. He - well, he had nothing. No thoughts or anything else since he was in a cooler being dead.

Time to look at logistics. 
It's easy to lay down your motorcycle from your own actions. Even when at a stoplight. Or someone can rear-end you at a stoplight.
Ever had a very hard sneeze? In a car, not so dangerous - on a bike, that could cause you to have a spill.
Bugs in your teeth and hair.
When it rains - its not so fun to be on a motorcycle. Besides getting soaking wet, you have to be extra careful to NOT loose control of your bike. New wet roads are extra slippery for CARS and they are far worse for 2 wheeled vehicles. 
Cargo space = very limited. 
Baby carrier on a bike... nope.
Your passenger has to hold on to you for dear life. If in an accident - the passenger has you or some rail to HOLD on to. Sure it gets women juicy; the danger, the feeling of the engine and holding onto a man... they tend to die as well. I really hate seeing small children on the back of bikes. A bump can make them lose their grip and get injured.

In the end, it's your choice... you are gambling with your life, which will effect more people than just you. So good luck.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

> I haven't ever had a wreck and I don't ride dumb and have been riding since I was 17 and am very responsible with it


So? But you have no control over what other people do in their cars... Statically, you *WILL* eventually have a motorcycle crash. My father was an excellent cyclist and car driver... one of the best. He's only been in a single crash in his life, and it was the motorcycle.

Last summer, I pulled out into the street from a parking lot and was shocked to see a smallish motorcycle in my lane, he did have to move over. He almost hit me.
What happened?
The turn was at a road that didn't require me to worry about cars in front or to the right... it was 1 direction traffic.
When I looked to my left, he happened to be in the blind spot of my A-pillar.
And for some reason, his headlamp was off... it would have helped.

So when there are motorcycles nearby, I like to give them room in case they need the space from a spill or someone else hits them.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your motorcycle isn't going to snuggle with you in bed at night and keep you warm. 

Your motorcycle won't be able to share all the good fortune and triumphs you will experience in your life. 

Your motorcycle can't take care of you when you are sick or feeling down. 

You can't have sex with your motorcycle. Well I guess maybe you could. You would need to shut it off and let the tailpipes cool down...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sad that so many riders gave up for their children who weren't even born yet, but not for their wives, the supposed love of their life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Change who you are to make her happy and there will be consequences.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yep. It's called "growing up."


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> If she truly understood how much I truly loved it then she wouldn't try to be changing me I feel like. No she hasn't ever lied to me but she has kept things from me a few times to try and protect me. And no her character isn't weak and she used to look forward to seeing me but since the wedding has been getting closer and closer and the pregnancy it is like I am on the back burner.




Sounds terrible when you look at it that way. But perhaps you do need to "change" who you are, in the sense that you are going to be a dad and a husband. Women will change how they view their SO, ponder what that looks like.
Perhaps she would benefit from reassurance that you will be the dad and husband she expects, and family will be your first priority. Selling the bikes would do that in her mind. Or just offer another option. You can be dad and husband AND even better at it if you still keep your passions and dreams. With responsibility. 


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## Biz009 (Mar 28, 2017)

Riding one of these bikes is a beautiful and rewarding thing And something that I love, But I sat my fiancee down and we talked it over and I agreed to put the bikes up for awhile and look into a car and if it really affects me that much after a 4-6months she agreed to let me keep riding but if not then I agreed to sell them. So I guess we did reach a compromise, still honestly felt like I was ripping away a part of my soul and giving up something that I really enjoy and is honestly a stress relief. See how this goes hoping it goes how she thinks it will and it won't make me come to resent her or anything.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

You were not born into this world, part human - part motorcycle. It's a piece of machinery, nothing more. Yeah, is fun... But would you rather enjoy walking on two legs or having an erection?

Again - what keeps you from getting a dirt-bike and doing off-road riding on some weekends?

*According to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), in 2006, 13.10 cars out of 100,000 ended up in fatal crashes. The rate for motorcycles is 72.34 per 100,000 registered motorcycles. ... Per vehicle mile traveled, motorcyclists' risk of a fatal crash is 35 times greater than a passenger car.

75% of accidents were found to involve a motorcycle and a passenger vehicle, while the remaining 25% of accidents were single motorcycle accidents.
In the single vehicle accidents, motorcycle rider error was present as the accident precipitating factor in about two-thirds of the cases, with the typical error being a slide-out and fall due to overbraking or running wide on a curve due to excess speed or lack of side bite.
*
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motorcycle_safety#Consequences_of_accidents
Motorcycle Crashes | III

Picture this... your wife is at work. And you need to take the baby to a doctor for a checkup... how is that going to happen with a motorcycle? Oh yeah, they do have baby/toddler seats for motorcyles. In the real world, how do you think your wife will feel about that? or your parents? And if there was an accident and the child is injured or killed - you'll have to live with that.

You are not 35% higher chance of being killed on a bike... you are 35 TIMES more likely to be killed by your bike. And your type of bikes makes up the majorities of motorcycle deaths.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Glad you talked with your wife. Maybe look to talk to other young men who have traded in their bikes for a family? When that baby is born, your outlook should change anyway.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Biz009 said:


> Riding one of these bikes is a beautiful and rewarding thing And something that I love, But I sat my fiancee down and we talked it over and I agreed to put the bikes up for awhile and look into a car and if it really affects me that much after a 4-6months she agreed to let me keep riding but if not then I agreed to sell them. So I guess we did reach a compromise, still honestly felt like I was ripping away a part of my soul and giving up something that I really enjoy and is honestly a stress relief. See how this goes hoping it goes how she thinks it will and it won't make me come to resent her or anything.




Decent compromise.
Expectations. You both have them. And a solid idea of what your life should look like.
Be open to the possibility that you don't know for sure what being a dad and husband is going to be like. But assuming that only riding your bike is how you relax is your own limitation to endless possibilities. 
Don't go blaming her for that.

She's looking at you like a momma bear. 
Not the time nor place for your own limited expectations. You will have another 35 years or so to self serve your own wishes. When your child is an adult. It's a temporary sacrifice you volunteered to make. So be great at the most important thing you can do. And enjoy the changes coming. With gratitude. It's an experience some can't have. Be thankful you had an opportunity to even ride bikes, and now you GET to be a parent. How lucky are you?



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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ha ha kid just one of MANY hard decisions in your future now that you're going to be a dad.

But it'll get much easier. I bet by the time the kid is 8 months old you'll be a changed person and really start to understand that you no longer live for you - you will be a dad and husband and be part of something much bigger


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kudos to you for good judgement and to your fiancée for being understanding.

Consider a different hobby.
I seriously understand how you feel. I had a street bike once. Loved riding it. Have wanted another one for years.

I'm 44. You have NO IDEA how many people I've known that have been killed on a bike in that many years.

It sounds to me that you are a man that can listen to advice. 
One that can avoid big mistakes instead of learning by experience.
Marry the girl. I really think you may have a good one. They're a lot rarer than you think.

Really happy for you!

Hey, you can. Always go back to riding your bike. I've thought about a trail bike, but guess what? With three kids--- who would I ride with and when would I have the time? You gotta learn to enjoy your new wife, and new baby, and learn to live doing things with THEM.
Or your marriage will sour.

I learned that from experience. I wasn't as smart as you.


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## mrsluvmyhub (Nov 28, 2016)

You think you want to stop the marriage before it happens. But you have already been living like you are married for the last 10 years. It's normal to go through a low period after 10 years of marriage. Things tend to worsen unless conscious effort is made to keep those good feelings there.

I highly recommend you go to some very in depth "pre-marriage" counselling. Work out all these issues (fairly minor they seem) before the wedding. The professional counselling will either bring the relationship to a good place again or it will make it very clear that you should end it for everyone's sake.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

mrsluvmyhub said:


> You think you want to stop the marriage before it happens. But you have already been living like you are married for the last 10 years. It's normal to go through a low period after 10 years of marriage. Things tend to worsen unless conscious effort is made to keep those good feelings there.
> 
> I highly recommend you go to some very in depth "pre-marriage" counselling. Work out all these issues (fairly minor they seem) before the wedding. The professional counselling will either bring the relationship to a good place again or it will make it very clear that you should end it for everyone's sake.




I like this post.

I've always felt that change occurs in about 10 year intervals. Personally and in a relationship. No change = boring and stale. Change as a couple is a very positive thing.


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