# Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

In that locked zombie thread, someone posted this:



> I am sure I will catch a of of flack for this but it's something I have been thinking about. First about me. I was involved in an intense EA and light PA that lasted about 10 months (one incident of touching over clothes and one incident of kissing and touching under shirt and over clothes. It's been over for about 1.5 months, so I have a long way to go. Couldn't one argue if a person has been asking for more time, and their SO won't do this, their SO should just leave? If a person has been asking to make love more than a handful of times a year, and their SO won't, shouldn't their SO just leave? This isn't t to try and justify or excuse cheating. The person who cheated owns that decision 100% but the state of the marriage belongs to both. Sometimes, I get the impression some people think they somehow did no wrong because their SO committed a much bigger and more serious wrong. The choice to cheat lies 100% with the cheater. There are no justifications. However. Just because someone has cheated, does not absolve their SO's behavior. Yes the cheater is a cheater. This doesn't mean their SO is no longer a big mouthed, rude, dic!, who drank too much, only cared about doing things for themselves and didn't contribute to the home or family. Year after year. Even when their SO expressed their dislike and need for change.


The other spouse was fine with being a rude loud mouth drunk dic, why would they leave? They aren't the one that is unhappy, they are enjoying being a jerk and fine with the marriage. If two people are in a situation, where one is unhappy, and the other is fine, the fine one isn't going to initiate the leaving.

One other note, in many affairs the spouse that chooses the affair doesn't really express the level of discomfort to the spouse, because they don't want to tip them off about the affair. So the spouse that's being betrayed might get an "I'm unhappy we need MC" talk every couple months, but they just brush it off as them being in a mood or something because it's not consistent. It's downplayed at that point because it's really only to assuage the guilt and set up a future 'reason' they cheat (because they asked for MC and you ignored them).

You are dealing with a person that's being less than honest, they may be communicating, but it's with the wrong person, not the spouse, but the AP.

This logic is:

I'm unhappy, I'm tired of this relationship, I want out.. My spouse should be the one to leave to make it easier on me.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

Bottom line.. when you say "Even when their SO expressed their dislike and need for change"

Did that include divorce papers? Mention of divorce? Empty threats? Packing bags and leaving?? Did you mention you were thinking about letting another guy feel you up since he was no longer interested?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*



> locked zombie thread


which one?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*



wranglerman said:


> which one?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59379-q-why-not-divorce-instead-cheating-its-just-not-simple.html#post1171376

The post itself:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59379-q-why-not-divorce-instead-cheating-its-just-not-simple-2.html#post8957642


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

It's the *golden ticket mentality* you have a dysfunctional marriage your spouse is abusive verbally or physically your needs are not being met emotionally or physically no need to divorce you have a golden ticket/self prescribed excuse to cheat rather than address to problems in the marriage or leave. One major aspect of cheaters we seen thus far is conflict avoidance why bother working hard on the marriage when lying on your back is easier and when caught you have a golden ticket excuse.




This is the reason why I'm suspicious of any wayward who talks about problems before the affair in their marriages I'm sorry but you have a voice if there's something wrong in the marriage fix it if it doesn't want to be fix you move on it is literally that simple.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

The bottom line is this: Many don't divorce because they're not all THAT unhappy in the first place(serial cheaters, for example) with either their spouse or the marriage or both. 

Even a fair amount of cheaters who _claim_ that they were unhappy (usually right after discovery) eventually admit that they really weren't THAT unhappy. Their "unhappiness" coincided with the onset of their involvement with the AP, and the unhappiness was mostly confabulated in order to justify their affair. 

Lastly, you have those who truly were unhappy (usually women) in the marriage. They may have felt 'stuck' financially, being unable to afford a divorce (perhaps their spouse controls the finances) or even to simply move from the marital home. 

Of course NONE of what I've written are reasons to justify an affair.

The only thing that prevents an affair is if people don't make it an 'option' in the first place.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

I've asked my own, now very remorseful WH, why he cheated and didn't have the honesty and integrity to leave the marriage beforehand. 

He said, "Because I was selfish, weak and pathetic and also fvcked in the head."

A fair enough summary of WS's everywhere, I believe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

Is it possible that some people just view sex as not all that important? They see it like tennis or ballroom dancing. If your spouse can't hit a tennis ball or has two left feet, yet you want to play tennis or are a champion level dancer, what's wrong with playing tennis or dancing with someone else?
Of course most people would feel sex is not the same as tennis or ballroom dancing, but not all might.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

I just found this posters comment unique.. I've seen WS blame the BS for the affair, but this was the first time I've heard the "I told you I was unhappy, you should have left the relationship" argument. A new one for the list of reasons/justifications. "My BS should have left before I had the affair because I wasn't happy"


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

*Re: Q: "Why not divorce instead of cheating?" A: "It's just not that simple." Part 2*

"I just found this posters comment unique.. I've seen WS blame the BS for the affair, but this was the first time I've heard the "I told you I was unhappy, you should have left the relationship" argument. A new one for the list of reasons/justifications. "My BS should have left before I had the affair because I wasn't happy"

This is when the BS should really show THEM why they should have left before an A.

Expose them for what they are and rain down every bit of h*ll on their lives they possible can.

And then tell them, " If you hadn't had the A, I would have just let you quietly go since you were so unhappy and unwilling to try and fix it...but since you stabbed me in the back unnecessarily, now you have to deal with the consequences of betraying me."


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