# Divorce with Cancer?



## apapolobo (Jun 1, 2012)

We've been married for 26 years. I was happy for the first 8. After that she didn't want to follow the life path that I did. So I gave in. I thought eventually she'd see that my happiness was important too. She didn't. She's not evil. She's just selfish. But she's certainly ruined my life and now, even if I get a divorce, I have cancer. 

I'll never be the man I wanted to be. I'll never have the career I wanted to have. I've lost my faith, there is no heaven to reward me for my long-suffering. My kids are probably no better balanced seeing me unhappily living my life than if we had just divorced 17 years ago.

I thought if a man constantly chose his family over his career, he was supposed to be richly rewarded with love and happiness and gratitude. That's a big lie. Now, I desperately want to live what time I have left happily alone. 

However now that I'm sick, I will eventually need someone to care for me. It's expensive enough having an indolent cancer as it is. when the time comes that I'll need a caregiver, how could I afford one on my own.

I used to be Mr. optimist. Now I've let myself become bitter. I don't even like who I am and I'm not sure there is even time enough to change if I could.

Thanks for listening.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I am so very sorry. A cancer diagnosis is a very difficult thing to deal with. If you are not already seeing a counselor, I'm sure that your oncologist can refer you to one.

I'd say this is not a time to be making major life decisions. I'm not sure what you mean by an "indolent" cancer -- and it's none of my business what kind of cancer you have, but they are not all death sentences.

I hope you will talk to a professional, and please know that I and many others here are wishing you well.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My thoughts are with you... I don't have much to add, Lamaga said it perfectly already...

I do have hugs and positive energy to send your way!!!

Best to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## apapolobo (Jun 1, 2012)

This is not a new diagnosis. When I first got the diagnosis, I decided I was going to stick it out. I have an indolent lymphoma. I've been in treatment 5 years and could have another 5 or 25 or more years depending on advances they make. But this last year has been one of the worst years ever in my life. None of us know how long we have, but cancer has a way of bringing that thought to the fore. I don't want another woman. I just want to be responsible for my own happiness.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yep. We all are, in the end.

But I do understand your concerns about end of life care.

It's a hard position you are in...but really, it's the position we are all in. Yours has just been put into very hard focus of late.

Again, I welcome any and all posts you wish to make. You're going to need support, and this is a pretty good place.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

apapolobo said:


> I just want to be responsible for my own happiness.


Brother, you have been all along. It's never too late to take your life back. I have heart issues. If you can call my heart stopping last year an "issue". Sure got my attention. In the meantime, over the past year or two, I've been reeavaluting my marriage and my role in it, and have been in the process of making changes in myself, including in my outlook, that were way overdue.

You've been dealt a bad hand. But so far as it's within your control, what do you want to change?


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## apapolobo (Jun 1, 2012)

Yeah. I knew someone would say that. But it is only partly true, or else why when people are thinking about getting married do they say: "I would make you so happy."

If someone is determined to be unhappy, there is not much you can do to MAKE them happy. But if you in good faith are trying to make life good for someone, there is plenty they can do to make your life miserable. At that point extricating yourself from their influence is a perfectly viable plan for re-establishing your happiness.

I have been slowly making preparations for separation (as fast as is possible in my current circumstance). And I am within 6 months of being financially able to separate. I do worry about the kids, I still have a couple young ones at home.

So maybe all this preparation is a bluff. But at least at that point if I stay, it won't be because I have limited options.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I dunno, honey. I'm a little meaner than is acceptable here.

I think if you were planning to leave, then you should leave. Really, staying around just so she can care for you? That's kind of awful.

And this is going to be hard for your kids either way. That's just life. You cannot fix that. What you can do is be happy in your final days.

Again, I'm very sorry, and very much hoping that you will keep posting here.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Is your wife even aware of your true feelings on all of this? If so, what is her position on it? If not, why?

Best wishes to both you and your wife.


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