# Can someone explain to me the real reason behind this infatuation/obsession, This is all so weird!!



## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Hi everybody, so my boyfriend and I had already talked about this and we kind of sorted things out, he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of which I don’t know what to think of.




Below these lines I will give a brief explanation of my general situation, please read ,what I have discovered recently, it begins in the paragraph with a small ASTERISK (*) IN THE FRONT.




Around June-August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).


So when he spoke about her to me, he always started saying how beautiful,precious,model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said *she had a “coke bottle body”* , (she is a slim girl with a normal body but does not have a rocking figure as he claims she has, and this is not even like something to focus on this situation, it's the fact that, that he may still have the ilusion of perhaps having something with her, if our relationship ends.




I just can’t understand that why in the world would he even exaggerate this woman’s attributes/ characteristics, when I have seen some of her pictures and I know he is in fact exaggerating them, to me what I have seen, this woman is somewhat attractive, pretty, works in a nice place, maybe this makes him see her even more interesting, but shes nothing out of this world as he describes her to me.




They began to fully talk more and more around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship ( I wouldn't even say DATING for this matter) but I feel that he IDEALIZED their ''THING'' way to much and was deeply falling for her, to the point where he even called her BABE (as I saw in some conversations of the things I came across, and I repeat they didn't even have a relationship/dating, ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend and then while talking to my boyfriend she found out that he cheated on her.

I have to be honest, I couldn't resist on seeing their conversations, especially this being a situation that had been eating my head all along, I will repeat this word but he seemed very obsessed/infatuated with this woman. Like boy oh boy she caused an a huge impact on him big time.



**So most recently I discovered that he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery ( hes still has these 2 album on his mobile gallery) So recently I was working on an external hard drive he gave me to save and organize like around 10,000 pictures from his work( I help him out with his job due to high volume of work and he pays me) and I believe he had forgotten or thought he did not have those backup there I have no clue (YES MY BOYFRIEND IS VERY DISPERSE LET ME TELL YOU, FOR MOST OF THE TIME, HE HAS NO IDEA WERE HE KEEPS THINGS, HE LOSES THINGS EASILY, YEAH YOU GET THE PICTURE RIGHT!)

The point is, that I saw on this external hard drive all backups of his mobile including including this girls name on a folder with literally 4 more folders inside ( with pictures of her, some pictures of the times they went out together, like 4 pictures of her in sexy lingerie ,( nothing too revealing), and screenshots of all of their conversations history of Facebook messenger.





If you see the conversations you will see that he was literally throwing himself at her) this woman told him on various occasions, that she was heartbroken by her breakup plus finding out she was cheated on, so she did not want to date, neither play with him or hurt him, she was grieving and not ready, she wanted her space, nevertheless my boyfriend at that time kept on insisting that he was a great man, that he would respect her and love her deeply, that he loved her ( I'm shook.


Anyways this woman said, I don't think you love me, Honestly I don't think he loved her either (to me it's called infatuation perhaps). she even told him : "you have girlfriend problems". and he replied :" I love your voice, your legs, your smile, your scent. " you left your scent on my polo shirt and I could not stop smelling it, ''I think about you every minute of the day'' "I cant wait for a new day to come to see you again'', plus much more crazy stuff like calling her ''MILADY'' like in the old knights days, to me it kinds of screams like low self esteem from his behalf ( like literally throwing himself at her like that) .*




I understand they had to see each other/interact, everyday for quite some months while he was working on that project in this building she worked in ( she was the project manager and out of all the engineers working there he was like the lead that reported issues to her, what they had fix all that stuff) that''s why so much talk between them.



It seems this man was really into this girl or at least obsessed about her, cause from the way he talked to me about her and all this collection of her photos ( including sexy pictures), conversations and some pictures of them BOTH.


*Another thing I find very Strange is that he ALSO took 2 other girls he went out with after this girl to the building she works in, HE ALSO TOOK ME!! WHY?????? In the world?*



The other part that caught my eye and I cant quite understand ( maybe it's not what we SHOULD FOCUS ON HERE AS WELL,, BUT I AM PLAIN CURIOUS ESPECIALLY AFTER SEEING THE CONVERSATIONS,INTERACTIONS, THE FOLDERS I DISCOVERED ETC.Why in the world did this woman go out with him a couples of times ( like at least 7-8 times) to eat, to hang out, etc and CHATTED WITH HIM OH SO FREQUENTLY??. I mean if she was so heartbroken, why did she accept to go out with him in the first place ( this is I how I feel :'' If I am not interested in a man, I would not dedicate a second of my life entertaining him at all, ESPECIALLY ME BEING HURT AFTER A BREAKUP, I WOULD NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH ANYONE ESPECIALLY NOT WITH ANOTHER MAN OR EVEN DATE!, UNLESS I AM READY TO MOVE ON!! ), why do you guys think she entertain him, was it an EGO BOOST FOR HER DUE TO HER BREAKUP, DID SHE ENJOY THE ATTENTION FROM HIM, OR DO YOU GUYS THINK SHE REALLY LIKED HIM BUT WAS AFRAID TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE (I think she liked him, otherwise I would not think she would talk to HIM AT ALL) .
*
I am honestly thinking this man is still heavy duty obsessed about this woman, ( obviously he wont say it straight up in my facebut I can feel it so bad, that he thinks about her

what do you guys think about all of this?*


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

Maybe she thought it would help her get her mind off of things or help her to move past things if she went on a date. It sounds like she was honest about her feelings with him if she talked about being cheated on and being heartbroken from it. I don't get the idea that it was an ego booster for her. Some people enjoy going on dates even if they don't see themselves spending the rest of their lives with that someone. I sure didn't because I was so nervous on dates before I got married.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

He might have created those folders when he met her and was talking to her and completely forgot about them. Do you think that he looks at the photos and the conversations after all this time? If he does, that would make me very very very uncomfortable.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Insecure, some kind of jealousy, aren't we?
The way I read this, this was before he met you. So what do you care. There are all kind of women shapes and heights: short, tall, lightweight, heavyweight, and there's all kind of men that are attracted to that. There's women that are short, fat and stocky, with big boobs and a derriere that make them look almost square, but there are men that just go crazy, salivating, dreaming, and masturbating about these women. It's all in the eye of the beholder. To YOU, she's no much, to him most likely, if she was to come back and ask him to be her man, most probably he would dump you for her. 

So, if in your opinion he's still obsessed about her, what in the the world are doing with him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She may have only been going out with him as a co-worker or because it was her job and she wanted to keep it and didn't want to make anybody mad. She gave him the classic I'm not ready to be in a relationship. as project manager was she over him or were they equal or was he over her?

He is obsessed with her and I don't know why you're with him knowing that. And it sounds like he's used every one of his dates since then trying to make himself look desirable by bringing them around where she knows it. If she was ever going to be interested in him she already would have been. But that's not the point. The point is he's obsessed with her and it doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. 

I think you should date other people.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I didn't even make it through all that BS..... Your "BF" has confidence issues. You sound reasonably stable. Send that dude and tell him why. As an engineer myself, I can attest that most engineers are not "sought after" so when a woman comes into focus, they pay attention......way too much.... Engineers typically do not have an "exciting" enough life and social skills to wrangle top shelf products. 

maybe he just needs realigned, but you might not be the person to do that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jesus, where's the TL: DR?


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She may have only been going out with him as a co-worker or because it was her job and she wanted to keep it and didn't want to make anybody mad. She gave him the classic I'm not ready to be in a relationship. as project manager was she over him or were they equal or was he over her?
> 
> He is obsessed with her and I don't know why you're with him knowing that. And it sounds like he's used every one of his dates since then trying to make himself look desirable by bringing them around where she knows it. If she was ever going to be interested in him she already would have been. But that's not the point. The point is he's obsessed with her and it doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon.
> 
> I think you should date other people.


They were both equal but she was like the boss because she was the project manager for his inspections in that luxury building, he had to report everyto her ho very frequently to her office etc.

I can tell he was very impacted by her, why to that point, I have no clue.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Insecure, some kind of jealousy, aren't we?
> The way I read this, this was before he met you. So what do you care. There are all kind of women shapes and heights: short, tall, lightweight, heavyweight, and there's all kind of men that are attracted to that. There's women that are short, fat and stocky, with big boobs and a derriere that make them look almost square, but there are men that just go crazy, salivating, dreaming, and masturbating about these women. It's all in the eye of the beholder. To YOU, she's no much, to him most likely, if she was to come back and ask him to be her man, most probably he would dump you for her.
> 
> So, if in your opinion he's still obsessed about her, what in the the world are doing with him?


 What really gets me is the fact that he was conscious enough to save all of those folders from his mobile to his external hard drive as backups, he knows exactwwhat he was doing. I would never keep all those old conversations or pictures for what??? Especially if you’re re not even with that person anymore. It’s very sketchy!!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

My first question from your OP is did all this happen while you were dating him, or did he start dating you after not having anything more to do with the other women?


Sarahii said:


> What really gets me is the fact that he was conscious enough to save all of those folders from his mobile to his external hard drive as backups, he knows exactwwhat he was doing. I would never keep all those old conversations or pictures for what??? Especially if you’re re not even with that person anymore. It’s very sketchy!!


Both me and my one wife have all kinds of things saved from our previous marriages, as well as me from several women I have dated. That's the way we are and it doesn't bother either of us. Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. But it doesn't necessarily mean he's bothering with the other women. Also simply archiving something doesn't even mean he remembers he has them. I just double checked. I still have the very first email, and more or less every email since then, of when I created my gmail account in 2005. 115,045 emails archived. Do you really think I know what is in all of them? I know there were plenty of things I wish I had remembered to save, including whole chat room sessions. I get that you are bothered, especially since it's not a thing you do, but others do save things like that. You might well be reading too much into it. Especially if they are decently old.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus, where's the TL: DR?


BF has a file of photos of a hot girl who he once went out with.

You're welcome.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> My first question from your OP is did all this happen while you were dating him, or did he start dating you after not having anything more to do with the other women?
> 
> Both me and my one wife have all kinds of things saved from our previous marriages, as well as me from several women I have dated. That's the way we are and it doesn't bother either of us. Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. But it doesn't necessarily mean he's bothering with the other women. Also simply archiving something doesn't even mean he remembers he has them. I just double checked. I still have the very first email, and more or less every email since then, of when I created my gmail account in 2005. 115,045 emails archived. Do you really think I know what is in all of them? I know there were plenty of things I wish I had remembered to save, including whole chat room sessions. I get that you are bothered, especially since it's not a thing you do, but others do save things like that. You might well be reading too much into it. Especially if they are decently old.


Hi there, this was all before me, I just don’t want to be second best.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Plus *I would just like to know if all of you consider that this man has me as second best, cause this is the feeling I get, like he considers her more beautiful, charming and attractive than me, even though wam as well, no wonder when he initially talked to me about her, he never compared or even as a smart boyfriend would do secure and comfort me by saying: baby your more beautiful and you are my queen now!*


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sarahii said:


> Hi there, this was all before me, I just don’t want to be second best.


The question is whether he is actually seeing you as second best, or is that an illusion that you are imposing upon him? Having fond memories of what has past is not automatically viewing the present as inferior. And even if that is how _you _tend to view things, that doesn't mean such is _his _mindset. That's why I have to wonder if you are reading too much into it. 

Does he have these kind of things archived with your interactions with him? Pictures, emails, and whatever else he has archived of these other women. This might even be on a separate medium/storage unit than what the other woman are on. For that matter, they may not be archived because you are the active love interest, so they are out and readily accessible. These are factors that are important in trying to see how he sees you.

Keep in mind that I am not trying to say absolutely that he is or is not holding any one women over the others. I am only pointing out that the actions you are expressing concern about can be innocent and nowhere near what you are thinking as much as they can be spot on to what you are thinking. You have to ask yourself, what are you able to tolerate? He can simply be a person who archives everything (my one wife is bad about that, to the point that she saves school newsletters that have no mention of anyone in the family or events we participated it.). Innocent on his part, but maybe that is still more than you can tolerate. That isn't bad on either of your parts. It's simply an incompatibility.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sarahii said:


> Plus *I would just like to know if all of you consider that this man has me as second best, cause this is the feeling I get, like he considers her more beautiful, charming and attractive than me, even though wam as well, no wonder when he initially talked to me about her, he never compared or even as a smart boyfriend would do secure and comfort me by saying: baby your more beautiful and you are my queen now!*


This again may be a difference between him and you. You may need and want that, and that is alright for you to desire, but that just may not be the way he is.Especially if he is low level Aspergers or anything similar. Not saying he is, per se, just noting possibilities out there. A lack of compatibility doesn't make either of you good or bad. It just makes you incompatible. That's what the dating process is all about. Learning and evaluating that compatibility. Don't get too caught up in the idea that just because you two are dating that it is supposed to work out. Just don't paint him as the bad guy because he isn't doing what you want.

Has it occurred to you, that as much as you are asking, "why would he even do something like that?" he could be asking the same questions about you? That you have patterns and behaviors that he doesn't comprehend?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sarahii said:


> Plus *I would just like to know if all of you consider that this man has me as second best, cause this is the feeling I get, like he considers her more beautiful, charming and attractive than me, even though wam as well, no wonder when he initially talked to me about her, he never compared or even as a smart boyfriend would do secure and comfort me by saying: baby your more beautiful and you are my queen now!*


We cannot tell you that, only him can; why don't you ask him?
The way I'm reading you, you are sounding insecure about this "ephemeral" female that actually never was anything to him but, in his head, that is if. Let's suppose that your are completely right, and that what your gut is telling you is that she's all that and more in his head, then, as I already mentioned to you in my previous post: 



Rob_1 said:


> to him most likely, if she was to come back and ask him to be her man, most probably he would dump you for her.


Like I say: why don't you ASK him? get it over with, otherwise this little thing that most likely is about nothing, will always be there in your head and eat you away as time goes by.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How long have you two been a couple? Do you live with him? What was his excuse to take you around her? How old are you two?


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> How long have you two been a couple? Do you live with him? What was his excuse to take you around her? How old are you two?


Almost 3 years, yes I do live with him, his excuse was that he wanted to show me the building he had worked in, but the funny thing is that the times we went he asked the concierge for this one guy, for HER and other workers in there. He is 48 I am 32.

I have a suspicion he wanted her to see us and me to see her??


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

After three years, I would think he would have gotten rid of those photos by now. He seems rather immature for 48. With a sixteen year age difference, I would look elsewhere. He'll be on social security by the time any kid graduates high school (if you plan on having children).


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sarahii said:


> So when he spoke about her to me, he always started saying how beautiful,precious,model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said *she had a “coke bottle body”*


Yeah...this I would have a problem with, and it has NOTHING to do with insecurity, as other posters have suggested. That s*** is just downright disrespectful, and honestly, if you say she's nothing to brag about, it would seem he is trying to make you jealous. I would just tell him, ok, you like her that much, go be with her. I honestly wouldn't even hang out with him until he changes his behavior and does what you demand. My husband used to check out girls all the time in front of me when we were dating, so guess what I did? I stopped going on dates with him, and lo and behold, he stopped doing it (for the most part). He also checked out two of my coworkers at my boss' wedding, when we were engaged... so guess what? I no longer take him to ANY work functions, even til this day. (Now that I think of it...maybe I shouldn't have married him, lol)

But my point is...put your foot down, tell him to get rid of all the pics and everything else, or you're leaving, and actually stand your ground. He doesn't need pics/messages from a past infatuation...tell him to get over it and to grow up!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> My first question from your OP is did all this happen while you were dating him, or did he start dating you after not having anything more to do with the other women?
> 
> Both me and my one wife have all kinds of things saved from our previous marriages, as well as me from several women I have dated. That's the way we are and it doesn't bother either of us. Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. But it doesn't necessarily mean he's bothering with the other women. Also simply archiving something doesn't even mean he remembers he has them. I just double checked. I still have the very first email, and more or less every email since then, of when I created my gmail account in 2005. 115,045 emails archived. Do you really think I know what is in all of them? I know there were plenty of things I wish I had remembered to save, including whole chat room sessions. I get that you are bothered, especially since it's not a thing you do, but others do save things like that. You might well be reading too much into it. Especially if they are decently old.


Really? Neither of us have anything from our previous spouses or partners, why would we want to? They are past.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant believe he is 46, he acts like a teenager. I wouldnt be with a man who acts this way.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tell him to delete the pics and conversations with her and see how he responds, this will tell you more Information.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He needs a course in what to and what not to talk about/conversations and behaviors--with girlfriends.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Really? Neither of us have anything from our previous spouses or partners, why would we want to? They are past.


Different people have different values on the past. They are neither right or wrong. Compatible or incompatible with another is something else altogether. While our previous marriages and relationships ended up not being workable for the long term, there were still plenty of good time. For me, that also include the children I had by my former wife. But I can think of at least 3 other GF's that I wish I'd saved more stuff from. My interactions with them made me who I am today. Without them, I might not have my current spouses. So I like to look back and remember the good times I had with them. They are as much a part of my history and development as my parents and sibling were. Why wouldn't I want to have those memories?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He was in his 40s when he did this???

I would’ve figured he was some nerdy early 20something that had never had an actual girlfriend before. 

I’m not sure I’d worry about being second best, I’d be more worried about him being a psycho.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> He was in his 40s when he did this???
> 
> I would’ve figured he was some nerdy early 20something that had never had an actual girlfriend before.
> 
> I’m not sure I’d worry about being second best, I’d be more worried about him being a psycho.


Yes, he was actually 45, sounds very infantile. Saying to her “ Milady” like if he was a knight from back in the day. So dumb,


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sarahii said:


> Yes, he was actually 45, sounds very infantile. Saying to her “ Milady” like if he was a knight from back in the day. So dumb,


At 50, I still use Milady. Most of the women I meet enjoy hearing it. But then again I also hang out with Rennies and SCAdians so such language is common.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> At 50, I still use Milady. Most of the women I meet enjoy hearing it. But then again I also hang out with Rennies and SCAdians so such language is common.


No offense, I'd make my guy stop calling me milady immediately. It's creepy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Different people have different values on the past. They are neither right or wrong. Compatible or incompatible with another is something else altogether. While our previous marriages and relationships ended up not being workable for the long term, there were still plenty of good time. For me, that also include the children I had by my former wife. But I can think of at least 3 other GF's that I wish I'd saved more stuff from. My interactions with them made me who I am today. Without them, I might not have my current spouses. So I like to look back and remember the good times I had with them. They are as much a part of my history and development as my parents and sibling were. Why wouldn't I want to have those memories?
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


I have memories but dont need objects to remind me. The only important things that came out of the past is my lovely children.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

GC1234 said:


> No offense, I'd make my guy stop calling me milady immediately. It's creepy.


None taken. While in my personal experience, most women don't mind or enjoy it, there have been some who don't like it. It's all opinion, and I have never repeated it to a woman who has asked me to stop.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I have memories but dont need objects to remind me. The only important things that came out of the past is my lovely children.


And that's you. Power to you. But some of us aren't like that, and there is nothing wrong with us being like that. Is it an incompatibility with you? Sure. While I would find your mind set incompatible with mine, I don't claim it to be wrong.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

*By the way do you consider what he had for her, idealization, infatuation or do you think it was real love? 🤔*


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> After three years, I would think he would have gotten rid of those photos by now. He seems rather immature for 48. With a sixteen year age difference, I would look elsewhere. He'll be on social security by the time any kid graduates high school (if you plan on having children).





GC1234 said:


> Yeah...this I would have a problem with, and it has NOTHING to do with insecurity, as other posters have suggested. That s*** is just downright disrespectful, and honestly, if you say she's nothing to brag about, it would seem he is trying to make you jealous. I would just tell him, ok, you like her that much, go be with her. I honestly wouldn't even hang out with him until he changes his behavior and does what you demand. My husband used to check out girls all the time in front of me when we were dating, so guess what I did? I stopped going on dates with him, and lo and behold, he stopped doing it (for the most part). He also checked out two of my coworkers at my boss' wedding, when we were engaged... so guess what? I no longer take him to ANY work functions, even til this day. (Now that I think of it...maybe I shouldn't have married him, lol)
> 
> But my point is...put your foot down, tell him to get rid of all the pics and everything else, or you're leaving, and actually stand your ground. He doesn't need pics/messages from a past infatuation...tell him to get over it and to grow up!


Just out of curiosity , do you guys consider what he had for her, idealization, infatuation or do you think it was real love? 🤔


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sarahii said:


> Just out of curiosity , do you guys consider what he had for her, idealization, infatuation or do you think it was real love? 🤔


Infatuation. Have you told him that she ain't all that?


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Infatuation. Have you told him that she ain't all that?


To be honest I did 2 times in the past 1-) I told him that he put her in front of me to see, that I could care less. And I could tell he did not like what I said, his face and reaction said it all.

2-)Another day I told her that I didn’t find her that beautiful or gorgeous just an average pretty normal girl and that I just didn’t care hearing about her and he got mad.

but what should I tell him so he does not think that he is so important because he went out with her, all of this sounds so ridiculous to me, people nowadays don’t act like he did with this woman.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently she’s his ideal and therefore his fantasy. I doubt he wants to let go of that. Where does that leave you?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sarahii said:


> Just out of curiosity , do you guys consider what he had for her, idealization, infatuation or do you think it was real love? 🤔


That's not real love. He wasn't even in a relationship with her, so he really didn't know her on a love level. Infatuation absolutely. Did you tell him to delete all that crap he had? And did you ask him to stop talking about her?


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Apparently she’s his ideal and therefore his fantasy. I doubt he wants to let go of that. Where does that leave you?


Exactly, I don’t want to be second best, is just crazy, he has not talk anout her for a while now but I feel it in my veins that she crosses his mind plus all these things he has of her, it’s smell very sketchy, weird and obsessive to me.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> That's not real love. He wasn't even in a relationship with her, so he really didn't know her on a love level. Infatuation absolutely. Did you tell him to delete all that crap he had? And did you ask him to stop talking about her?


I think this too, they weren’t even in a relationship and he called her babe, it was like he was mad crazy, or was acting extra to hook her faster, I haven’t told him because he immediately will think I was snooping and this is going to go the wrong way.

But I ask you how can I talk to him and try to talk him out if this? Like how can I begin to even mention this woman and see what he really feels or think about her.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sarahii said:


> I think this too, they weren’t even in a relationship and he called her babe, it was like he was mad crazy, or was acting extra to hook her faster, I haven’t told him because he immediately will think I was snooping and this is going to go the wrong way.
> 
> But I ask you how can I talk to him and try to talk him out if this? Like how can I begin to even mention this woman and see what he really feels or think about her.


Here's the question you need to ask. If you are not trusting him now, will you ever? Seriously think about this. As much as some women are always calling everyone "Sugar", "Sweetie" and such (think stereotypical southern waitress), there are also men like that. He may well be one of them. From the sounds of things, all it will take is one "milady", and you will instantly be assuming that he is looking to start something with that woman. If you are going to be constantly assuming he's looking and desiring other woman, you might as well end it now. Because, that kind of distrust, earned or not, will destroy a relationship. Is it worth staying around him, if you are going to be constantly on edge waiting for that shoe to drop?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sarahii said:


> I think this too, they weren’t even in a relationship and he called her babe, it was like he was mad crazy, or was acting extra to hook her faster, I haven’t told him because he immediately will think I was snooping and this is going to go the wrong way.
> 
> But I ask you how can I talk to him and try to talk him out if this? Like how can I begin to even mention this woman and see what he really feels or think about her.


*I mean, if he's not calling her babe now, then leave it alone, the past is the past. If he was doing it while you are together, then you should certainly bring it up and let him know that you will not tolerate it. I also hope he is not still in contact with her, is he?

What he felt for her in the past, isn't really your business. I would leave that alone, because frankly, the past shouldn't concern you. If he is telling you NOW that she is beautiful, etc etc, the next time he does it, that's when I would tell him to stop mentioning her, and if he can't get over her, to go be with her...and you leave and don't answer any of his calls until he actually changes. Are you prepared to do that if it is the case?*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sarahii said:


> To be honest I did 2 times in the past 1-) I told him that he put her in front of me to see, that I could care less. And I could tell he did not like what I said, his face and reaction said it all.
> 
> 2-)Another day I told her that I didn’t find her that beautiful or gorgeous just an average pretty normal girl and that I just didn’t care hearing about her and he got mad.
> 
> but what should I tell him so he does not think that he is so important because he went out with her, all of this sounds so ridiculous to me, people nowadays don’t act like he did with this woman.


You know that sad, pathetic lyric that goes "If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with"? Your boyfriend has changed it to "If you can't be with the one you love, then be with the one who will settle for your sad, pathetic, sorry old ass".

Tell him that he should go be with her. Then you get to fish for someone closer to your age and more mature than him.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You know that sad, pathetic lyric that goes "If you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with"? Your boyfriend has changed it to "If you can't be with the one you love, then be with the one who will settle for your sad, pathetic, sorry old ass".
> 
> Tell him that he should go be with her. Then you get to fish for someone closer to your age and more mature than him.


Definitely, he has this issue with celebrities whether they’re hot, beautiful, sexy, blah blah, I belive this man thought she was some sort of celebrity, because rich man were after her and the fact that she worked in a luxurious building, wore sexy attractive work attire, high heels, and was in a nice environment, sounds like the perfect scenario for him to have created some novel or movie in his head.

Too much idealization, infatuation and perhaps limerance as well.


*Now I have some other problem, my good friend has invited me to a gym she joined and she can bring me as a guest cause she has a free pass for me I was really excited about this cause I work out a lot until she told me the name and I was like ughh let me see if I go, it happens to be the gym where this girl goes to, I remembered this was another detail he told me about her, cause she also gave my bf back at that time a free pass to go with her and it’s exactly that gym 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Do you guys think that I Should I go , or should I avoid going there to not bump into her, I have never seen this woman face to face in my life, neither she knows I exist, oh boy!

I told my friend and she says: “so what?!! That I should go to see what the hype is all about and this way I can see if he was exaggerating or what really.*


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> *I mean, if he's not calling her babe now, then leave it alone, the past is the past. If he was doing it while you are together, then you should certainly bring it up and let him know that you will not tolerate it. I also hope he is not still in contact with her, is he?
> 
> What he felt for her in the past, isn't really your business. I would leave that alone, because frankly, the past shouldn't concern you. If he is telling you NOW that she is beautiful, etc etc, the next time he does it, that's when I would tell him to stop mentioning her, and if he can't get over her, to go be with her...and you leave and don't answer any of his calls until he actually changes. Are you prepared to do that if it is the case?*


Now I have some other problem, my good friend has invited me to a gym she joined and she can bring me as a guest cause she has a free pass for me I was really excited about this cause I work out a lot until she told me the name and I was like ughh let me see if I go, it happens to be the gym where this girl goes to, I remembered this was another detail he told me about her, cause she also gave my bf back at that time a free pass to go with her and it’s exactly that gym 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Do you guys think that I Should I go , or should I avoid going there to not bump into her, I have never seen this woman face to face in my life, neither she knows I exist, oh boy!

I told my friend and she says: “so what?!! That I should go to see what the hype is all about and this way I can see if he was exaggerating or what really.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sarahii said:


> Definitely, he has this issue with celebrities whether they’re hot, beautiful, sexy, blah blah, I belive this man thought she was some sort of celebrity, because rich man were after her and the fact that she worked in a luxurious building, wore sexy attractive work attire, high heels, and was in a nice environment, sounds like the perfect scenario for him to have created some novel or movie in his head.
> 
> Too much idealization, infatuation and perhaps limerance as well.
> 
> ...


Unless you think that seeing the woman will cause you anxiety or that you cannot control yourself around her, you should go. Don't let anyone drive you away from what you want to do. And if for some reason she starts in on you, you'll have a witness that she started it and can complain to the management of her harassment.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sarahii said:


> Now I have some other problem, my good friend has invited me to a gym she joined and she can bring me as a guest cause she has a free pass for me I was really excited about this cause I work out a lot until she told me the name and I was like ughh let me see if I go, it happens to be the gym where this girl goes to, I remembered this was another detail he told me about her, cause she also gave my bf back at that time a free pass to go with her and it’s exactly that gym 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
> 
> Do you guys think that I Should I go , or should I avoid going there to not bump into her, I have never seen this woman face to face in my life, neither she knows I exist, oh boy!
> 
> I told my friend and she says: “so what?!! That I should go to see what the hype is all about and this way I can see if he was exaggerating or what really.


Why do you care if she goes to the same gym or not? I'm not understanding why you give this woman so much time in your head. Are you feeling insecure? You shouldn't! You have every right to go, you don't have to talk to her or acknowledge her existence...just enjoy the time with your friend. 

Also, you haven't answered any of my questions from my last post...


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> *I mean, if he's not calling her babe now, then leave it alone, the past is the past. If he was doing it while you are together, then you should certainly bring it up and let him know that you will not tolerate it. I also hope he is not still in contact with her, is he?
> 
> What he felt for her in the past, isn't really your business. I would leave that alone, because frankly, the past shouldn't concern you. If he is telling you NOW that she is beautiful, etc etc, the next time he does it, that's when I would tell him to stop mentioning her, and if he can't get over her, to go be with her...and you leave and don't answer any of his calls until he actually changes. Are you prepared to do that if it is the case?*


I do want to talk to him about this, but what is the correct way? I don’t want him to think that i’m insecure, or that I feel this woman is better than me, which is not the case.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sarahii said:


> I do want to talk to him about this, but what is the correct way? I don’t want him to think that i’m insecure, or that I feel this woman is better than me, which is not the case.


What is the issue exactly? That he still has pictures and convo's from the past with her, THAT part I get. But what I'm not understanding is: Is he still in contact with her, does he still talk about her now? Not sure exactly what your issue is?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sarahii said:


> Definitely, he has this issue with celebrities whether they’re hot, beautiful, sexy, blah blah, I belive this man thought she was some sort of celebrity, because rich man were after her and the fact that she worked in a luxurious building, wore sexy attractive work attire, high heels, and was in a nice environment, sounds like the perfect scenario for him to have created some novel or movie in his head.
> 
> Too much idealization, infatuation and perhaps limerance as well.
> 
> ...


The following led me to believe that you had, in fact, seen her in person:



Sarahii said:


> Almost 3 years, yes I do live with him, his excuse was that he wanted to show me the building he had worked in, but the funny thing is that *the times we went he asked the concierge for this one guy, for HER* and other workers in there. He is 48 I am 32.
> 
> *I have a suspicion he wanted her to see us and me to see her??
> *


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> The following led me to believe that you had, in fact, seen her in person:


No I have never seen her. I believe he did in fact wanted to see both of our reactions if we saw eachother. Another crazy thing!, he took 2 other girls he had nothing serious with to that same building as well.

I’m afraid that he is some sort of stalker.

I forgot to mention he comes off as superficial, he always has a comment about how beautiful or sexy a celebrity is, if x celebrities are ugly or not, if a small waist is what a woman should strive for.

I exercise a lot, but his obsession about beauty is weird and I suspect it has to do with this woman. And that every woman shoukd look like her, maybe I am thinking to deep but its the impression it gives me, since the beginning he was like: “ you would look awesome with short hair” guess what!! This woman had short hair., he wanted to buy me a certain watch, because this woman had this watch, including wanting me to find a job like hers.


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## Sarahii (Sep 27, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> What is the issue exactly? That he still has pictures and convo's from the past with her, THAT part I get. But what I'm not understanding is: Is he still in contact with her, does he still talk about her now? Not sure exactly what your issue is?


 No they don’t speak, BUT,at the end of February we were in a hotel I traveled with him for his job, so one of those days being there, he went to shower he left his cell phone in the bed and all of a sudden it lights up and it was facebook messenger message, so my curiosity killed me and I had to check.



So hold on tight it was this woman , they had text for nearly 3 years, and all of a sudden she says: hi how are you? I know it’s not your birthday but I wanted to say hi, I was in shock cause you can see in the conversation window that they had not talked since when we started going out, that he wished her a happy birthday and that’s it. 



What caught my eye is that he had not replied at it was like the third day since this girl had send the message( so she sent it on a Monday and he Replied on a Thursday ) he replied:” Hi how are you,I hope you are doing very good and I wish u all the best).



So I felt like I needed to tell him in a natural way that I had seen his phone light up that day and it was a facebook message and so on, so When I told him he was like:” its nothing important, neither you should worry about her, I met this girl like 3 years ago and have not talked to her ever since. So i just said in a very nice way to keep her at arm length :” Hi how are you I hope you are doing very good and I wish u all the best). its basically like brushing her off in a nice way, so no more conversations lies ahead or anything, 



So he says to me that he did not feel the need to engage in a conversation with her, thats why he did not tell her” oh I’m great and happy, I have a girlfriend which is 17 years younger than me. *He said this was unnecessary and would be a SLAP in the face for this girl and would ultimately make her feel bad ( she is 42) I am (32).*


I acknowledge that he pulled away to not engage in further convo with her, but what is the mystery of just not saying: *that he is happy and has a girlfriend and that’s it, and that he wishes her all the best. *

Sounds like if he is not ready to let her go.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why are you with him?

These are some serious red flags. Plus your 32, you’re not getting any younger. Do you want this guy to be a father to your daughters? He seems so superficial, and unaware of the real important things.


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