# Its all my fault he drinks



## Nelly66

So my husband is an alcoholic he will even tell you so. But its my fault. He says i am controlling. I cant trust him. He keeps taking me off his life insurance which i dont care about the money, its the secrecy. I find out from other people. I found out tonight that he put his neice and nephew on it and i am sure i was taken off. This isnt all though. He says he is going to quit drinking. I paid 200.00 for him to join an AA group that he met with one time. He hides beer and is drunk when i get home from work. He has texted horrible things to my family and to his own children. He screams at me and tells me i make him miserable then the next day he always says he is sorry. I am not perfect and i do expect him to do things around the house. We both work full time. He threatens suicide and tells me i am not normal. Everything is my fault, his failed relationships with his kids, his stress at work, his low self esteem. I try to not upset him and just go to bed but i am terrified hes going to come in so i act like i am asleep. I am so tired for work the next day. He has me convinced its all me. We have been to numerous counselors. I even took a personality test because he said i am a narcissist. They said i wasnt i just had a high IQ. Which made him upset, said the test was wrong. I am 54 and this is my 3rd marriage. 1st one was to an alcoholic also when i was 15. I just want to be happy, raise a garden and be with my grandkids. Its 11:47 at night he is drunk in bed and I cant sleep. Gotta work tomorrow. 😒


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## D0nnivain

You need to go to Al-Anon meetings. It's a support group for people who love alcoholics.


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## LisaDiane

WHY are you with him...??? I'm not being snarky, I really want to know what he brings to your life that is a benefit in any way. What do you love about him? How are you a loving couple? What is special about your relationship...??

How long have you been together, including before you were married?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

It's not your fault he drinks so much. Just remember that and more answer and options will open up to you.


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## Nelly66

LisaDiane said:


> WHY are you with him...??? I'm not being snarky, I really want to know what he brings to your life that is a benefit in any way. What do you love about him? How are you a loving couple? What is special about your relationship...??
> 
> How long have you been together, including before you were married?


We met about 7 1/2 years ago been married almost 6. We have alot of things in common, fishing, both love the out doors and farming. When he is not drinking we get along great. We have the same sense of humor, he is a hard worker. We had to take in my 3 grandkids for 3 years due to my daughters drug addiction. They are back home now and doing great. My daughter turned her life around, met a good man that loves her and her kids and has gone back to college. He became extremely resentful towards me, the kids, and my daughter. He drank before I met him and had burned bridges with his family already. When we married he had pretty much quit and did quit totally for a few years. But during the time we had the kids he started again and now is worse than ever. His mom and aunt are also alcoholics, his mother died from it. My counselor said i have the gift of attracting alcoholics. I am an enabler. Dont really know why i dont leave. I have a good job, lots of friends and family, and reasonably intelligent. But my heart is my downfall. He cries and cries, apologizes for hurting me but keeps doing it. He suffers from depression and now I am depressed alot. Depression is so debilitating.


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## Trident

AA is free.


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## D0nnivain

Nelly66 said:


> My counselor said i have the gift of attracting alcoholics. I am an enabler. Dont really know why i dont leave.


Please go to some Al-Anon meetings. You will amazed at the insights you gain.


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## Laurentium

Nelly66 said:


> Dont really know why i dont leave.


You need to find that out.


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## NTA

Trident said:


> AA is free.


I thought so.


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## Nelly66

NTA said:


> I thought so.


It was a program online with a group and you also had a counselor. I guess not AA per say but like AA with the group meetings


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## LisaDiane

Nelly66 said:


> It was a program online with a group and you also had a counselor. I guess not AA per say but like AA with the group meetings


What are YOU doing for YOUR mental and emotional health...? I would say it would be more helpful and important for you to work on gaining support and understanding for yourself, instead of trying to change him...because you can't.

I have more to add, if I am able...


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## aine

Nelly66 said:


> It was a program online with a group and you also had a counselor. I guess not AA per say but like AA with the group meetings


Nelly join SoberRecovery.com Friends and Family. It’s a good place to vent and know you are not alone. You need to learn tools/techniques to deal with your drunk. BottledUp in Uk is good, watch their short videos for advice and they have some good material. You cannot change him but you can change yourself and how you react. You can have peace in the chaos. I’ve lived this and now he’s drinking again, he gets on and falls off the wagon. I refuse to sleep in the same room and moved into another bedroom. He was pissed off but I told him I refuse to sleep with a drunk who comes to bed and stinks of alcohol. And I won’t any time soon. i have slept like a baby since, the marriage is going downhill and I’ve detached so much it no longer hurts. If he drinks and drives and the police catch him I will not bail him out, no covering for his behaviour, and he knows it.


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