# Husband went through my laptop and won't speak to me....



## ConfusedWife127 (Jun 5, 2016)

Hi guys, you sound like a reasonable lot from what I've read and would really appreciate some honest advice as I'm so lost as what to do so I'll try and keep it as short as possible!
On Friday evening my husband asked for my iTunes pw so he could use findmyiphone to monitor me when I was walking late at night in the dark city, I had no problem with the monitoring but since I had my phone replaced, iTunes has messed up so have to reset my pw every few times I want to go on, so I'd lost track of what pw I was on so I told him to use his account since we're in the same family as that works just as well! He went a bit funny and basically said I must have something to hide if I didn't just give it to him, I told him that defo wasn't the case and reassured him and left to go out. When I was on the tram I found the pw on my phone & sent it to him like "there u go! Got it! Nothing to hide! Now can u stop being wierd?!" He agreed but then when I was out a notification popped up on my phone telling me that iMessage was no active on my laptop.... I suspected he was going through my stuff...
Later that night I got home before him and went straight to bed, he came in just as I was drifting off to sleep and said "why did u fb message my friend the other week when u were out with yours?" I replied the obvious answer in my head of "because he goes to that bar all the time doesn't he?" Then fell to sleep whilst I could sense he was brooding....

On Saturday we woke and I checked my laptop, he's definitely been on it, gone through Facebook and iMessages and I think my emails, but he deleted the browser history so I can't be sure! (He has given me his laptop pw but it's about 30 characters so I don't rem it and haven't bothered looking at his stuff anyway) then I did house things and he completely ignored me u too the evening and came in to the room I was in and said "messaging my mate - not cool, how would u like it if I messaged yours blah blah...."
I highlighted that if he was going to a bar I knew my friend was often in, then I wouldn't be bothered... I also said reminded him that I was kinda hoping this guy was single again so that if we met up I could introduce him to my best friend and match make....! (He knows I want to do this as I've said to him before!)
To clarify, the message said "Hey dude. U out?? We're in revs in u are!!xx"
My husband said that his friend clearly thought by "we" I meant me and my husband and that trying to meet up with someone made me look like a slapper!!! I tried to say he was being daft and that I was drunk and in my head it made sense, a simple message to see if he was there so I could introduce him properly to my friend, but he couldn't get past the fact that "me and my friends were asking to meet up with him and his friends...."
Then he queried when we had a house warming "why you take him down to the cellar?!" I don't remember this as it was also my 30th (by the way this is the 2nd time in 3 months I've got drunk or go out sorta thing so don't be thinking I'm a ****head or something! Haha) and I was quite drunk.... I said I don't know, perhaps to show him around (as I was doing with everyone??) Or to talk about his ex away from his at the time gf?) but I genuinely couldn't remember.... He was all like "yeh whatever...."
I did sh something along the lines of "are u mental?! What are u trying to suggest??" He said he wasn't sure.., and left annoyed.

We've not spoke since and it's now Sunday lunch time. 

Firstly, do you think this is reasonable? I think he's blowing the message way out of context and going off on some mad tangent? But then perhaps he has got a point and I'm the one with the problem? I'm open to see that I may not be in the right, but I can't be doing with this sort of accusatory mean behaviour!

To provide some quick context... We've been together 6 years, married for almost 1 and I adore him. I love him so so much and I couldn't imaging ever Being with anyone else and he definitely knows how much I love and still fancy him like crazy! We're in a great place, we don't have problems really, just an odd bicker about towels on the bathroom floor etc.
I believe this could all when we were 3 months in I was texting my ex (nothing dodgy like meeting up, maybe a bit of banter/flirting etc and he found them and went mental. And there and then he tarnished me with the "all women are slippers and cheat and sleep around" brush. I immediately cut off contact with my ex to show my feelings for my husband (obs not at the time!) but this is the only thing I've ever done that is remotely wrong....

IMO this is why drives this horrible once a year thing where something so small sets him off into thinking I'm doing something bad or wrong when deep deep down he knows I'm seriously not....!

what do you guys think? what is going here? I can't keep doing this for years and years when I'm actually a very good loyal and loving wife!!

Thanks.


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## ConfusedWife127 (Jun 5, 2016)

Just to clarify guys, I'm not looking for validation that I'm right or wrong, I'm looking to mend this and to do something to ensure that my husband doesn't feel like he needs to act in this way and to ensure he feels he can trust me!

I hope that someone can help me!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

He doesn't trust you and texting an in that case I would have made you an ex. He's still harbor my it.

You need to have a discussion with him about boundaries. My suggestion is font text other men like this.
You are now seeing how even harmless things can create problems in the marriage.

Is he over reacting a bit? Sure.

But you set this up by having had contact with an ex and self admitted flirting. That's cheating in many people's eyes by the way.

If you value you marriage my advice is steer far and wide of opposite sex friends. 

You guys need talk about it. How did he find out about you texting your ex and how was it handled?

Conclusion:your husband does not trust you. 



ConfusedWife127 said:


> Just to clarify guys, I'm not looking for validation that I'm right or wrong, I'm looking to mend this and to do something to ensure that my husband doesn't feel like he needs to act in this way and to ensure he feels he can trust me!
> 
> I hope that someone can help me!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree with jdawg that at this stage in your marriage it is probably best to stay clear of opposite sex friends. Be all over your hubby.

same of course applies to him.

In years to come things may change so you can be more trusting of each other. DW is friendly with a very good looking younger man who is a workmate. It is ok by me, now we are nearly forty years wed with three daughters (no, nothing is 'going on' between them). When I was younger I think I might have been less relaxed.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You make amends by becoming an open book. As a married woman you never drunk text other men, friends or not. The correct thing to do would have been to text your husband and tell him to let his buddy know where you were and to see if his buddy wanted a chance to meet your girlfriend, then your husband could have contacted his buddy.

Full transparency....stop getting so drunk you can't remember your actions.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

I would say "sorry I made you uncomfortable by texting with your friend. I won't do that again."

I know some people have told me "well insecure his problem blah blah blah if he can't accept this then... "

Nope. On this topic, my relationship with my spouse comes first. If he is uncomfortable with something I'll avoid doing it unless it's something I believe that is needed in my life and opposite sex friends isn't something needed.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Crack down on or cut the drinking completely. 

It hurts your credibility enormously in the eyes of your spouse. 

Stay away from OSFs, at the very least until you get some of that credibility back. Even then, open up to your husband. 

It's not a good thing to be on "probation" with your husband less than a year in. He'll be watching everything you do, so I suggest being an open book and asking him to be the same.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If this behavior is sudden , and he has not shown this degree of scrutiny, I would suspect that some he knows had been either a victim of a cheating spouse or is a cheating spouse, so he is hyper vigilante and is adding 2+2 and getting 5.


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## ConfusedWife127 (Jun 5, 2016)

Just to clarify more as I think it makes a difference... It wasn't a text, it was a dacebook message, I don't have this guys number as that would be to much to be texting his friend! And also this is the only guy I speak to, it's not like I speak to a load all the time... Like none.
Also as I say I rarely drink, drinking twice in 3 months isn't really a drink issue I don't think....

Another thing is that he always says that I should try harder to get on with his friends, and because I don't particularly as I'm the one that tamed him from when he was out getting smashed with his mates all the time some of his friends don't really like me, so the past couple of years I have been trying, I thought that this would therefore be okay...

Based on your comments and my thoughts anyway, I was thinking of saying to him that's fine I won't text or communicate etc but I'm not comfortable with the huge jump to therefore I'm a slapper??
That really hurts that he can think so little after all this time.... Because he really does know that I'm most definitely not!
(Yes I admitted texting my ex but I've given up all my male friends since then and don't have any relationship that I feel wouldn't be okay the other way around...)


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

This goes 100% back to the contact you had with the ex. He's not forgotten. That's why he's suspicious. Don't be naïve that's what this whole thing is about.

You're married. If you want to stay happily married don't text other men. And make it clear with your hubby that's the way it's going to go down. 

He doesn't trust you. Wake up. Little things can trigger him back to you texting the ex. 

This can fester for YEARS so you better start being open and talking about it. Discuss the contact with the ex and how you regret it and that you realize now that these kinds of things can result in hurt feeling, etc. Assuming that's how you really feel. Don't focus on the recent thing, this goes back to the contact with the ex. Trust me on this. In a guys mind when you went back and flirted with an ex that was a severe betrayal. Lack of loyalty and respect. It's on YOU to rebuilt it.

I will say it again. Flirting with an ex is considered cheating by many. I don't think you grasp that. You'd have been next'd in a second had you been my wife/gf.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What I see from your second post is someone who just "doesn't get" it. You are down playing and almost justifying your behavior because it's not often or not this or that. None of that matters, all it takes is one stupid move to ruin a relationship forever, if you keep putting yourself in compromising situations things are going to continue blowing up on you. How long do you think your husband will put up with your sketchy behavior?

You can only apologize so many times before it just become empty words, trust is all about actions.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

My advice would be as follows:

Stop texting all other guys, period. A married woman shouldn't be texting guys (even husbands friends) for meeting up regardless of the reason.
I wouldn't be going out drinking or to bars without my husband, it can be a recipe for trouble and bad decisions (I know you didn't ask this, but I thought I would throw this in anyway because it's good advice).
Be as open and transparent as possible (you seem to be already) because you made a serious error in judgement flirting with your ex boyfriend.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm more concerned about the silent treatment. No to downplay the other factors. If he gets into the habit after one year of that silent Treatment and punishment is ok, it will become a terribly bad habit. A devastating habit for the marriage. 

Now, he is on super watch because he thinks something is up. This is normal. But you need to talk with him and work it out. And you need to discuss this is a non threatening and non blaming way. Come up with some boundaries together and do them. 

So!!!! Nip the silence in the bud. Another wise poster had this advice to say to someone that goes silent. 

Tell him "I know your upset, but silence isn't helping, because I don't know what's wrong and you won't tell me what is wrong or how I can help. Let's sit down right now and work this out. What do I do to make you feel more at ease and start trusting again. What do we do together to become more transparent". 

If he goes silent again....absolutely positively don't let him. He needs to know that behaviour isn't health in a marriage. It doesn't solve anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Your husband sounds like a nut job,
I'm so sorry. The level of monitoring is extreme. He sounds very controlling and insecure. You texting your ex was wrong of course, but that was years ago and in the very beginning of the relationship. If I found out my husband was spying on me that way, I'd have one foot out the door. Life's too short to live that way. When there is no trust, there is no marriage. 

I would tell him that I would no longer text his friends but you stand by the fact you had no ill intentions. Then I would tell him that the spying needs to stop. He either trusts you or he doesn't. If he did it again, I would file for divorce.

Edit to add: Someone who is still "triggering" 6 years after their 3 month gf texted an ex has mental issues. I suggest he sees a counselor.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Celes said:


> I would tell him that I would no longer text his friends but you stand by the fact you had no ill intentions.


The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You just don't text some member of the opposite sex to meet up regardless of the intentions. Never looks good regardless of intentions. Intentions are not verifiable.



Celes said:


> Someone who is still "triggering" 6 years after their 3 month gf texted an ex has mental issues. I suggest he sees a counselor.


Who knows why he goes that far, cheating could have happened in his family, in a former relationship or he was brought up that way. The "all women are cheating" sentiment has to come from somewhere. Maybe he needs counseling, maybe not. Hard to say from here without the full picture. 

OP's behaviour is not really helpful either. Getting drunk "only" about once a month, texting drunk, having arguments while drunk, apparently going down into the cellar with the same man being drunk, making fun of her behaviour, not really taking him seriously etc.

They have to talk it out and both have to adjust their behaviour but they both need to see were they are wrong (and we don't know if he is wrong, she says she does not even remember certain thing that happened while she was drunk, who knows what else she can't remember in the past).


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

rzmpf said:


> The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
> 
> You just don't text some member of the opposite sex to meet up regardless of the intentions. Never looks good regardless of intentions. Intentions are not verifiable.
> 
> ...


I don't think she did anything wrong in asking his friend to swing by to set him up with her friend. People are being quite silly about this. As for going down to the cellar with him, she was giving a tour to the house. And gave the tour to other people. Are people so insecure and paranoid that a small thing like that is enough to set off their jealousy? If you can't trust your spouse to give a tour of your house to your friend, you really have no business being married to them. 

It doesn't matter why he acts that way. If there was infidelity in his past, he has no right to make his wife pay for it. Those are his issues and he needs to see a counselor to deal with them.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Drinking and texting other men is not a good combination for a married woman. Stop what you are doing that bothers your husband. You are acting like a single party girl. Woman here & 36 years married (first marriage) for the both of us. If you want to hold on to this marriage, make your husband your priority and behave like a respectable married woman.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I have a different take on this, let me know what you think.

Your H is basically an insecure person. His awareness of that interferes with his ability to process information, especially when it involves other people interacting with you. In his own eyes, hes less, so any time you have any kind of communication or contact what gets in the way of his own low self regard rather than what you might actually be doing ..or not doing.

So, although much of the advice here sounds reasonable, it doesn't really address the core issue, his insecurity and self doubt.

If my assessment of him sounds about right, then what you'd want to do is not respond to his snooping but rather the cause: His insecurity and self doubts.

Go to a nice restaurant and talk about your feelings about him and your relationship with him and ease into the current conflict from that perspective. If you come at this from your feelings about him, it makes it harder for him to experience your behaviors as reflective of you seeing him as somehow less. Listen to what he says and respond to it as non defensively as you can, keeping the focus on your feelings about him, rather than his accusations. 

This might take time, and he'll likely relapse, since these are issues he's brought into the relationship with you not necessarily about you or the actual relationship. With time and patience, however, you can help him get past himself. But, not with some of the approaches being offered here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you mean that he does this once a year?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> What do you mean that he does this once a year?


Almost sounds like there's a D-Day anniversary, doesn't it?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So the thing with your ex was over 5 years ago?

Your H wants you to be a friend with his friends but does not want you talking to then?

Talk about a rock and a hard place. It is a impossible situation. 

So he thinks you my be cheating, the question is why? Because nothing he has found would point to that.

Maybe one of his mates is going through or found something going on with their SO and your H thinks you might be doing the same. It might have shaken his foundation enough to call into question the relationship he has with you. Especially if he thought the other relationship was as good or better then the relationship the two of you have.

I do not know just throwing out ideas.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Firstly I am thinking this may have been a troll post by OP, who knows. There's one poster in here that seems to conveniently have shown up to put in their agenda.

The question I would like to see answered is how was the contact with ex exposed and discussed or was it rug swept. 
That's what this is about. The guy is on guard about it hence the spying and doubt. 

They need to discuss boundaries. Honestly, drunk texting another guy is on the shady side.



ABHale said:


> So the thing with your ex was over 5 years ago?
> 
> Your H wants you to be a friend with his friends but does not want you talking to then?
> 
> ...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> What the heck is a "slapper" or "slipper"?


A fairly common British term for sl*t.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jdawg2015 said:


> Firstly I am thinking this may have been a troll post by OP, who knows. There's one poster in here that seems to conveniently have shown up to put in their agenda.
> 
> The question I would like to see answered is how was the contact with ex exposed and discussed or was it rug swept.
> That's what this is about. The guy is on guard about it hence the spying and doubt.
> ...




It is hard to know what OP's H is thinking, but drunk texting over 5 years ago I really do not think is the problem. Was it back then he!! ya and OP said it was taken care of back then. Something has set him off though.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You are perfectly in your right. You are obviously not American, but here we give our gals a blank check to do whatever they want on their hen nights. Drunk texting BF's bud? No probs. REGARDLESS of what the hour is or the intent.

Just out of curiosity, what does your average night out with your single mate on the prowl look like? Think hubs would be OK watching a video of it? With sound? Beginning to end? From "by honey, don't wait up", right until your stumbling drunk back in the door. 

Do you shower before you get in bed with him?

Just a 35,000 ft view. The men you party with. Where you go? Do you ever go back to their place? Just wondering.

You drunk dialed his focking buddy while you were out prowling meat markets, acting as your single bud's wingwoman for the night. Why does everyone not understand that the wingwoman gets laid too?

Good luck with this one babes. If you were my little chicky, you'd be gone. But not because of this SINGLE incident. But it would have put it over the edge.  My buddy married a party girl. He divorced one too. No thanks.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Could this be little more than the OP's husband being insecure because he was cheated on by someone prior to meeting the OP? Also, the OP doesn't seem to have the best of boundaries. I'm with others who think it's not kosher to be texting guys when married unless those guys are related to the wife in question.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Personal said:


> A fairly common British term for sl*t.


Slapper is also used the same here by Aussies, or at least those old enough to know ****ney rhyming slang.
But I think "slipper" might be a typo.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd like to pose a question to the ladies of TAM...

How common is for women to message men w/ whom they're neither involved nor interested in being involved w/ stuff like "xoxo" or the like trailing at the end of the messages?

Just wondering.

Seems a bit too flirty to me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd like to pose a question to the ladies of TAM...
> 
> How common is for women to message men w/ whom they're neither involved nor interested in being involved w/ stuff like "xoxo" or the like trailing at the end of the messages?
> 
> ...


Like, OMG he's just a friend...Stop being so controlling. And it goes the same way with men and their supposed friend also.

OP, seems like your H has big time feelings of insecurity with you. Alot of red flags, btw if you needed to find out about a bar could have asked to to talk to his buddy about it. Most wives I know would never call up the guy friend directly, they almost always ask the hubbby to ask and find out. Well that's been with my circle of family/friends. Unless it was a very close relative on my side that my wife has known for years and years. But then again, my wife has always asked me to find out if she needs the info from a guy friend/relative.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

ConfusedWife127 said:


> I believe this could all when we were 3 months in I was texting my ex (nothing dodgy like meeting up, maybe a bit of banter/flirting etc and he found them and went mental.


Ya' THINK?

That brilliant post of mine, and I didn't even catch this the first time through.

Are you for real?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Well I'm 50 years old; so maybe I'm too old to be relevant.
> 
> But to answer the question. "xoxoxo" at the end of a communique always meant "kiss hug kiss hug kiss hug"
> 
> ...


I get emails from Public Relations consultants with xxxs on them. 

OP, I think you and your husband need to put a call into Relate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> What kind of "public relations consultants" :wink2:
> 
> Maybe it has a different meaning in the U.K.??
> 
> ...


Press Officers. xxx


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I can see why you named yourself confusedwife. 

You seem to simulatenously want to act single and be married and are confused why it's not working.

His paranoia is well deserved. He busted you before. And with your whole "I forgot my pw" BS dance, I would have assumed that you needed time to sanitize your accounts before letting him in.

Here's what I recommend. Go be single and let this guy go.

And if or when you're actually ready to be married instead of going to the bar texting and meeting up with your husband's buddies or your ex's, then settle down. But not before.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I'm older than 50, and widowed. I have a couple of male professional friends who I have become very close to in a completely platonic way. They helped me through a devastating time in my life, and I have helped them through devastating parts of their lives. Sometimes I end an email to them with xoxo, because we hug each other when we meet in person. When you get older, stuff like that doesn't even cause a blink.

But unless something major is being left out of this story, this man has issues.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

The man had issues alright.

He's got a wife who isn't solid and his gut is telling him as much.



Pam said:


> I'm older than 50, and widowed. I have a couple of male professional friends who I have become very close to in a completely platonic way. They helped me through a devastating time in my life, and I have helped them through devastating parts of their lives. Sometimes I end an email to them with xoxo, because we hug each other when we meet in person. When you get older, stuff like that doesn't even cause a blink.
> 
> But unless something major is being left out of this story, this man has issues.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ConfusedWife127 said:


> Also as I say I rarely drink, drinking twice in 3 months isn't really a drink issue I don't think....


Some people don't drink often, but when they do drink, they get smashed. Bad things often happen when you are so drunk you can't remember things the next day.

I would be much more careful about how much you do drink when you drink, and I would save my "drinking time" for time with Hubby, not time when you are out with a girlfriend. (And ask the same of him.)


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

The real issue is TRUST. He has a trust issue so now going forward he will attach suspicion to every action of yours that he chooses. I am going through this right now and it is no fun!!!! I think it is very disrespectful for your husband to be snooping through your things without your permission. You need to explain to him that you have no SECRETS but he needs to respect your PRIVACY as a person. 

You both also need to address the real issue in the room which is Trust and where it was broken and forget dealing with the symptoms which is all this other stuff. Your husband can MAKE anything you do look suspicious. You can move a salt shaker from one end of the table to the other and in his mind he can make that suspicious. If your husband is looking for something he will find it.....the story of his own mind. You need to tell him how all this snooping and accusations make you feel and ask him how can things be done better going forward. This is not fair to you and he will drive himself crazy after a while. 

YOUR MARRIAGE CANNOT WITHSTAND WHERE THIS WILL END UP. I'm telling you. It will only get worse if you don't nip it in the bud.

ON THE FLIP SIDE: You do have to win his trust back for the conversations you had with your ex. This is what triggered your husband and so now you have caused him to be very suspicious about how you handle social media, email, text, etc. So ask yourself what can you say or do to win that trust back without him being overly sensitive about it. He's stuck. You created this fear in him so you have to reassure him that you have eyes for him and only him. You have to make sure your slate is clean. You can't expect him to trust you if you have ANYTHING suspect going on or else it is really going to get bad. 

ACTION: You both need to have a conversation about what is expected in your marriage when it comes to connecting with the opposite sex and come to an agreement so that both of you know how to act going forward. Then tell him to trust you to honor your decisions. It sounds like there is some misunderstanding about what he thinks is ok and what you think is ok. 

Good luck!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Zombie. The OP hasn't been back in two years.


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