# When the choice is made to end the Affair and stay in the marriage?



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

How true is below statement:

When people who love their AP still choose to stay in their marriage, it's because there's something they love more than their AP. Maybe it's their kids. Maybe it's financial security. Maybe it's their spouse. Maybe it's themselves. 

But no matter what, when the choice is made to end the Affair and stay in the marriage, the message is clear: SOMETHING ELSE is loved more.


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

But if its not the person who they are married to...whats the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

maybe their AP is married and can't/won't leave their spouse
maybe the AP doesn't want the cheater - just the sex

There could be other reasons:

Maybe the cheater is unsure of a future with the AP
Maybe there is no love just financial security
Maybe the cheater is biding their time
Maybe the cheater doesn't want to appear to be heartless

IOW, it may not be a love of anything at all. Circumstances may dictate that the better choice for the time being is status quo.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think mine chose to stay because she didn't want him. I think she ditched him.

Therefore, that statement is only half true. The other half is the outside circumstances that dictate the result.

All situations are different. Sadly, all cheaters are very similar.

Edit: Actually, I take that back. I think it is a much lower percentage than 50/50, I think that the things that hold someone in the marriage (choosing M and ending A through their own choice and not something forced upon them through being found out) is very low. 

If they choose the marriage for reasons within the marriage, after being found out, then the reasons for staying are still frequently, imo, less than 50/50. 

Though I am speaking with knowledge only from here, and that will be very skewed. People will only come to a forum like this when searching for information due to desperation. Therefore, many of the 'easier' cases will never have found their way here. Certainly I didn't come here til I was gaslighted and out of my mind with stress and trying to deal with it due to his crap which was about 6 months after DD. Some come earlier. Others not. But all are here due to desperate measures and situations.

Are you wondering about your wife?


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## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

What about the few that say they want to save the marriage and the bs does all the heavy lifting and the WS does nothing. 
Stays in the marriage and stays in the affair, I've seen that happen as well and IMO the only person the cheater loves is themself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

reasons to stay in-----1. don't want to go thru the gigantic amount of turmoil to uproot lives------2. kids--------3. need a bankroll, don't want to have to face working much more than they do now, to just maybe break even-----4. don't want to have to handle life as a now single/divorced/adulterer/ess now single mother/father of kids--------5. love ( who knows, is there love for the betrayed, can there be love for the betrayed)----there must be some love for the lover, unless the cheater, just did this all for kicks/fun/excitement---which is an even worse reason, than leaving a mge for love

Real question is if there is a R., what kind of a mge, can these 2 people have---everyone here knows what the other side needs, and is gonna go thru-----what is the price of staying as opposed to the price of leaving

Tuff question-----how much misery can the betrayed stand----what does the cheater actually go thru, on their side

the cheater takes another man/woman into their life---sex doesn't matter how many times---the cheater took another into their lives, AND PUT THEM AT THE SAME LEVEL AS THE SPOUSE THEY TOOK VOWS WITH----where does all of that come into play

Its all on you, and what you wanna put yourself thru, for the rest of your life


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My H ended his A off his own back. We were separated and I didn't put any pressure on him. I'd let him go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Conditional relationships...
The AP represents just a tiny fraction of expectations. Make me happy and like me. Nothing else is really even considered that seriously, so they aren’t judged on the little things like how well they clean up after themselves around the house or how they are at parenting.

The spouse represents oh so much more... Lots more room for criticism. Sad irony... they spent so much time worried about that bit of empty cup (and filling it with the AP relationship) without really looking at how full the cup was. When it’s noticed the most is when the BS goes and dumps the entire glass and there isn’t anything left but what the AP has to offer... and that barely adds anything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

John2012 said:


> How true is below statement:
> 
> When people who love their AP still choose to stay in their marriage, it's because there's something they love more than their AP. Maybe it's their kids. Maybe it's financial security. Maybe it's their spouse. Maybe it's themselves.
> 
> But no matter what, when the choice is made to end the Affair and stay in the marriage, the message is clear: SOMETHING ELSE is loved more.


Thanks for reminding me. I didn't actually want to think about that at the time.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

There could be a lot of reasons.

Comfort being one of them, doesn't like change. And usually people take things (like other people) from grated.


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