# Last Dance



## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

I wrote on this site a while back. Someone smart told me to read "Too good to leave too bad to stay" and I listened to it. I determined that I needed to try harder because there was love left. And I tried so ****ing hard. 

I recognized that he had "off the tableitis." I realized it was my responsibility to meet my needs not his. I ripped out 15 year old carpets and redid floors, fixed drywall, painted, replaced the toilet pumps, cleaned out the kids spare rooms and completely redid them floors and all by myself. 

We got a new bed for ourselves. I tried in the bedroom. He doesn't initiate. I organized his belongings and tried and tried to keep up w his laundry and everything else. He agreed to replace the master bathroom fan as it's broken. He didn't. I paid my son to do it. He pulled it out and didn't. Just a hole in the ceiling now w the new fan I bought sitting there for a year. The attic insulation smells and the mildew oder gives me a headache so I can't sleep in there. Husband is mad at me and blames me for this disconnect in our relationship due to me leaving the bedroom. I couldn't keep taking allergy meds and Tylenol before bed. I hate him for this. Like I'm not hurt or angry anymore. I told him what I needed to be comfortable in my own room and he didn't follow through. I hate him for failing when I've tried so ****ing hard. And that's ok. That's his choice. I'm in the spare room. Where there's no mildew.

Then...after however long since I posted I listened to the book again. And the front door keeps falling out if the house and I can't get it to shut good when I go to work. I realized I don't feel 'in love' anymore. I realized I don't want to try and fix this house anymore. I realized the house and this marriage are hopeless.

So we went to eat last night and I told him I love him and we had a good long time together 26 years...but I think it's time to acknowledge that we are playing house now. I'd like to make an amicable agreement to sell the house and split it and move on. The kids are grown and I'm not going to try anymore and I think it's time. Long story short he gaslit me, blamed me, said I'm awful and he has to defend me to everyone and I'm crazy (he says I'm crazy a lot psa I have a ba in psych and work with spmi clients) 

Following this he bullied me into attending a his family birthday party. And smiled at me and said "you will never quit or stop trying because it's not your MO. And the house is in my name and you can't make me sell it." My lawyer said so" so....I guess I need to have a consultation? My mind is swimming with issues. My pets...what will I do with my cats? I've planted everything here in this one place. Can he kick me out? Can I do this?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not a real person. Like his view of me and what is normal...a falling apart house, living with mold migraines, being the go to for everything....like that's it. Like around him I'm not a real person. I...leach away somehow and work and work and try not to bother him with needing to be a sexual being when I wish someone would grab me and have it all over the house after replacing the front door lol. 

Im so sorry I'm all over the place. I didn't even cry yesterday talking about this with him. My grown daughter actually told me that unless he is effected by things things don't effect him. I think imma thing that doesn't effect him. Sorry I'll stop now.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Venting is good... get it out. No worries there.
Unless he inherited that house it is half yours. A good piece of advice: Never take legal advice from the one you are divorcing.

Now let’s get to the bottom line: If you don’t go see a lawyer then you are still just playing house. Pick your azz up off the ground and get it done.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Yes get to a lawyer and I think stay in the house. Follow the advice of the lawyer depending on what state you are in. It does not sound like you are in a healthy place right now. Work on you.. move forward.


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

Thanks. I think I need to do this:
1. Consult with a lawyer and figure out if I can even keep my car that he put all in his name.
2. Get my money/paycheck in an my own account and start saving.
3. Figure out where I want to live
4. See if I can get work there or move within my agency in any way.

He acts like I said nothing yesterday. He will just...keep doing what he's doing until he dies. I used to think this man knew everything. I always did what he said. There are a lot of disappointments under this bridge. A little while back my kids were talking about how hard it is to communicate with their dad. My son said "mom wouldn't even know what to do with a husband who met her half way, she probably couldn't operate in a non-emotionally stunted relationship because she's been navigating this **** for so long." 

Honestly I never see myself in another relationship again. If he had ever shown an ounce of initiative in any arena I would have pulled his cart until my heart burst. I would have made a good man great had I had one with motivation to support my educational goals or the business plans I had or if he had some of his own. 

I turned 45 recently. Mid life muck has come over me I guess. 

How did you all know it was time to call it quits?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t believe anything that your husband is telling you. Not one word.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are worth having.... everywhere you have hills and valley's.
And, all the places in between.

But, not in your home, and certainly not with him.

Finish the house, make it sell worthy.

Contact a lawyer and file the divorce papers.

Buy a better home, far from his cold cooties.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I knew it was time to call it quits when the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lakesparrow said:


> I wrote on this site a while back. Someone smart told me to read "Too good to leave too bad to stay" and I listened to it. I determined that I needed to try harder because there was love left. And I tried so ****ing hard.
> 
> I recognized that he had "off the tableitis." I realized it was my responsibility to meet my needs not his. I ripped out 15 year old carpets and redid floors, fixed drywall, painted, replaced the toilet pumps, cleaned out the kids spare rooms and completely redid them floors and all by myself.
> 
> ...


He has taken you for granted on a large scale because he thinks you will never leave and you love him. He also thinks what are you going to do, where are you going to go. He sounds a bit like a narcissist.
Go see the lawyer and see what your options are. Then start planning a move. You can always rent a one bedroom apartment, get out, get your freedom. Why should you live in a house that is causing you health problems cause he cannot get his finger out of his ass. Live you best life. You have already given him too many of your good years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lakesparrow said:


> Thanks. I think I need to do this:
> 1. Consult with a lawyer and figure out if I can even keep my car that he put all in his name.
> 2. Get my money/paycheck in an my own account and start saving.
> 3. Figure out where I want to live
> ...


YOur son's comment is so telling and so sad. How old are you, time to live a good life


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FYI, it likely doesn't matter what's in his name. You guys are married, have been for a long time, and these are all joint assets at least to some degree.

See a lawyer and play hardball. Don't be surprised if the begging starts once it gets real. Right now he's in bully mode because that's worked for him. 

Ask me how I know....


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Your husband is in for a rude awakening.

You absolutely own half of that house along with any other assets that you built together over the last 25 years. Where do these men come up with these legal fantasies? Do they think the phrase “cheaper to keep her” is a joke?

He clearly has not seen a lawyer because that initial shock normally leads to some changed behavior. Many marriages turn around once people realize how much they really stand to lose. Divorce is a mess, especially for people who rely so heavily on their spouse for day to day things.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lakesparrow said:


> Thanks. I think I need to do this:
> 1. Consult with a lawyer and figure out if I can even keep my car that he put all in his name.
> 2. Get my money/paycheck in an my own account and start saving.
> 3. Figure out where I want to live
> ...


Start practicing the 180 with your H, and STOP doing things for him. Let HIM do his own laundry, cook his own food, etc. Start detaching -- it will help you when you D.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Sorry to say, but your husband moved on. He is no longer there, even though he is physically there. I think it’s time for you to find a closure and move on. I think you’ve tried enough.

and you sounds like a good person, you tried and worked for what you were trying to save.What else can you do.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If you have not found an attorney, do so!!!!!! One of the things I did when I was going thru the process myself is I started seeing a counselor and step by step she helped me. I had not planned to hire an attorney but she encouraged it as she felt my ex would try to rip me off. My attorney told me that men will hide money, they will put various assets in their name only or will have hidden accounts. He and I had our own income and very little was shared so I was not aware of everything he had invested in. An attorney will give you proper guidance and well worth the money. I was unemployed at the time that I filed due to a recent move. I put the fees on my credit card and well worth every penny!!!!


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

I don't have real advice but I feel on the same boat. I am always blamed for stuff and labeled 'crazy' for minor things. It's hard if you are on your own and don't have many people to talk to.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lakesparrow said:


> I wrote on this site a while back. Someone smart told me to read "Too good to leave too bad to stay" and I listened to it. I determined that I needed to try harder because there was love left. And I tried so ****ing hard.
> 
> I recognized that he had "off the tableitis." I realized it was my responsibility to meet my needs not his. I ripped out 15 year old carpets and redid floors, fixed drywall, painted, replaced the toilet pumps, cleaned out the kids spare rooms and completely redid them floors and all by myself.
> 
> ...


Get your own attorney ASAP. If you contributed in any way which would be paying the bills or cleaning the house or taking care of the kids so he could go to work, that house is going to be partly yours. 

What you do with the cats as you take them with you and get another house but a smaller one and maybe you have to move to a smaller town to afford it but since your kids are grown there's nothing to hold you there since you won't be sharing custody. You're perfectly capable of taking care of your own home it sounds like. Get one that's not all torn up to begin with because hiring people to do big repairs cost a lot of money.
You just need your own attorney. Your own attorney won't let him shove you around.


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

So I 180'd. His laundry piled up. Then he started keeping it all on top of the dryer in a pile so high I couldn't use the buttons. Every basket was full of his stuff. He has always been a slob but it got really really bad. I'm now run ragged trying to get things presentable and in some semblance of order.

Please note I'm the recovered daughter of a hoarder. It took effort to get myself in order.

Also....he keeps guilting me to sleep in the bedroom w him and I don't want to. It smells and I don't want him trying to have sex after 6 months of him not being interested....all because he's fighting the 180 and trying to get me attached to him. He has started saying I love you, and waiting in this pressured way for me to say it back. I realize....this is all what he's done for 26 years to keep me in line. And it has always worked. I feel guilty for not taking care of him and trying to anticipate his needs. I even forgot to pick up his medicine and I didn't notice his shampoo was almost empty, he had to buy it. This is epic stuff. I feel guilty For not trying to get him to want me. I'm so unplugged and I feel guilty. I'm so tired.

I cut myself pretty good on the broken sink faucet and a month or so later I mentioned that I was glad my tetnus was updated and that it was just going to be a little scar...he didn't even know I had cut myself. Didn't believe me. But he replaced the faucet (note he works for a construction co and is in Lowe's constantly and I'm in a cubical or at clients houses. It makes sense he'd pick up what we need to fix things).

I dont know why he wants me at all I really don't. If there is one thing I came away with after his affair 10 years ago it's that he believes divorce is no big deal and people do it all the time. It's that I'm replaceable. I'm not special. I learned not to be gaslit and that his aggressive incompetence is ridiculous and childish. I'm over the affair, but it did change me. I blamed myself and changed myself and tried so hard to live my potential. I even worked out and got guns and was 140 lbs. .... I'm 45 and still very very pretty. (it took me a long time to admit that). I look very young and people often think he is my dad. I'm also very smart. I went to a tough private college when my three kids were in HS. Made Dean's list every semester. He regularly makes fun of my education and how little i earn in the small town where he grew up. I wanted to go back for a PA but we are too far from civilization.

I just don't want to try anymore. I offered to do counseling and he has said we can't afford it and that there is nothing wrong with him this is all me.

Is this the twilight zone? Seriously, I see all these men posting about what *****es their wives are and I'm getting to bed at midnight after working, cooking, cleaning and folding a man's socks who doesn't want to fugg for 6 months (he goes thru these periods and no ED) then suddenly wants to when I ask for a divorce. Wtf.

Anyhow. I'm stuck out here in my rusty cage with the lake view.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did you do his washing? Once he ran out of clothes he would have had to do it. Why do you let him pressure you to share the bed? Carry on with the 180 or better still live apart and end the Marriage asap.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course he hates that things are changing. He wants to keep you around because you make his life comfortable and he can always guilt you into doing what he wants. What’s not to like from his viewpoint. And he very likely doesn’t want you getting any money if you divorce so there’s that. Yeah, he’s likely going to pull out all the stops now.


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