# Should I give him a date? Help.



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

My husband is still having an issue with my not moving back home with him. I still have some concerns that I need to work through before I can think of moving back home or putting my wedding rings back on. As I stated in previous posts, these are two of the things that make me feel like all is said and done. If I put my wedding rings back on and/or move back in with him, then I feel like I have let go of everything that is or may still be wrong in my marriage. I view those two things as though he will own me again. I don't want him to own me. I want to make certain that my hsuband has definitely changed and that my marriage will not resemble an ownership, before I can begin to resume a traditional marriage.

There is a part of me that is a little mad that he continually pushes this issue, but I am trying so hard to be understanding of his feelings.

My husband seems to think that I don't want to be married. This is not the case. I loved being married and having a family to go home to. I hate the idea of being single again. I just want to be happy. If happiness is not with him, then I want to be able to move forward and find Mr. Right immediately. I hate the idea of dating. I don't know how to do it, and remember there being a lot of loneliness and confusion involved. If my husband has truly changed, then I want to be with him forever. He still makes me laugh. I still find him so attractive. He is still the most intelligent person I have ever met. I just need to no that he is going to treat me with respect, as his equal, be kind and fair to me, etc. You know.

Am I wrong for holding out? Should I consider setting a time frame for myself, for him, and give him a date that I would consider moving back home, if all goes well? Or, would I be giving in to pressure?

Please, tell me what you think.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I think you tell him exactly what you just told us. Sounds clear to me.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I have. I told him again today. He just does not seem to get it. Is he playing dumb?


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

No, we don't play dumb. Sometimes we just aren't on the same wavelength. At the very least he should know that if he continues to push you in this area he will lose you. Understanding the consequence will overshadow his fear.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

crisis~

What did your counselor say in your meeting yesterday about what you printed out "Signs he's really changing" and "He is not changing if...." 

I hate to keep harping on this, but I do not see signs that he is actually changed yet. I hear him pressuring you for sex, pressuring you to "come home" and in general completely ignoring what you want and your concerns. I hear him SAYING how he's changing, but in real life all he's really accomplished is that he doesn't abuse you and scream at you anymore and that's most likely because you are no longer there for him to abuse!

By the way, physical abuse is a lot more than just balling up a fist and hitting you. Did you know that?

*Forms of physical abuse*

Striking
Punching
Pushing, pulling
Slapping
Whipping
Striking with an object
Excessive pinching on the body
Kicking
Making someone fall
Kneeing
Strangling
Headbutting
Drowning
Sleep deprivation
Exposure to cold, freezing
Exposure to heat or radiation, burning
Exposure to electric shock
Placing in stress positions (tied or otherwise forced)
Cutting or otherwise exposing somebody to something sharp
Exposure to a dangerous animal
Throwing or shooting a projectile
Exposure to a toxic substance
Infecting with a disease
Withholding food or medication
Spanking is subject to controversy as to whether it qualifies as physical abuse.
Blinding a person or causing impairment of sight.
Biting

How To Tell They are Not Changing Their Abusive Behavior

Crisis, you need to stand up for YOU and tell him you will no longer accept his attempts to force you back into the abusive relationship. If he really wants you back, he needs to back off, stop making empty promises, back up his words with REAL CHANGES, and let his actions prove to you he is changing...his ACTIONS not his words. When YOU notice he's different and YOU feel comfort...YOU WILL APPROACH HIM. Until then it is a topic you will not discuss or consider. Period. Then walk away and do not go back until you are ready.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I second everything everyone had said,

Tell him what you just told us. I am in your husband's shoes, my wife decided to leave me but she is not yet sure if she wants divorce, she said she needs time. 

What your husband is doing and what I am doing is like night and day. It's been a month and I have contacted her 4 times, I have given her her space and told her that I'd wait for her as long as it takes and if she decides to be happy w/o me I respect her decision. 

I have come to understand that by pushing you girls we don't accomplish anything but an "I told you, to wait" if things start going wrong. My wife has to be sure if she wants me back, in the mean time she also knows that I am working on myself through counseling and respecting her every decision (I used to behave like your husband in the past).

I am sorry if I seem to be parading myself, but I'm trying to point out that patience is the mother of all virtues and love is its fuel. I sometimes think I'm running out of patience but then I gain composure by remembering this:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

try talking to him and just tell him what you just told us,

Peace be with you


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

Hi crisis, 

I completely agree with everything everyone has said, I am dealing with a similar situation myself. My husband is emotionally abusive and we are seperated he has said and done some of the exact same things as your husband. Such as telling me to let him move back in and pressuring me, pressuring me with sex and empty promises, financially irresponsible, etc. I have decided to leave him and I suggest you do the same it is probably the hardest thing I will ever have to do and I am very scared but I don't want to be treated this way anymore and you shouldn't allow yourself to either. I believe the reason we are treated this way is because we are good people and others take advantage of that and think we will never have the courage to stand up for ourselves. My hair has also been falling out too, I have bald spots, it shouldn't be this hard to be happy. If he makes you feel this unhappy then I believe its time to find someone who will truly appreciate you, as will I. I know how scarry it is because I have been w/ him for 10 yrs. and starting over just sounds unreal, but sometimes you have to do whats best for you even if it hurts. Best of luck to you and take care.


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## ERR71 (May 6, 2010)

Hi Crisis,
I am in a similar position. I am out of the house and my wife is at home with the kids. It has taken me a while, but I am finally to the point to give her space. This is what your husband needs to do. What he is doing is pushing you away every time he ignores your request. I agree with STBX in that you deserve your space. Also, I commend you on being honest and admitting your feelings for him. It appears to me that he is not likely to change. Be happy for yourself first.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Your title - "should I give him a date"...

No - you don't need to put a timeline on this. Its different for everyone. If you don't feel right about things yet, then don't force it just because you've passed some arbitrary amount of time.

When its time to move on or move home, you'll know.


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