# Fiance and Ex Wife



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

With all the summer activities, weddings, birthdays, ballgames I am coming in constant contact with the ex wife, they have been divorced for 15 years and she is remarried. The first time I met her I put my hand out to say hello and she turned her back on me. She will not speak with me at any event. Oh, she is the one that divorce my fiancé’.

I am not wanting to attend the events where I know she will be there because it makes me uncomfortable. Is it wrong to just not attend? I can’t wait til she finds out G is trying to have their marriage annulled!
Also, the middle daughter treats me the same way her Mom does.

I have been nothing but friendly but really this is getting a little old after 2 1/2 years. 






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Yes it is wrong not to attend any event you want to go to.
If other people decide to be ahole's let them. Ignore them
and enjoy your life. Do not play their silly childish game. If they 
see you acting uncomfortable then they will think they won.

" Well we really got her " Do not let them win !! Do not even play!!
Rise above those petty little children and live your life as you want.
When you rise above them and stop playing their childish game they 
will then be the ones who are frustrated and uncomfortable at events.

Show them who the adult is and let the children suffer in their own
misery. They obviously like it. Do not lower yourself to their level.

Have a long and wonderful life.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She has been divorced for 15 years and she acts like such a child? Why would you let her spoil your fun, why would you give her such power. Really she is not well adjusted individual, see her as such, laugh about it and don't worry.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Why let another person get inside your head?

Treat her like any other stranger on the planet.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Maybe it’s that hospitality industry mind set that I must make sure everyone is please and smiles. Maybe I need to get a different job?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Tomara said:


> Maybe it’s that hospitality industry mind set that I must make sure everyone is please and smiles. Maybe I need to get a different job?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No, just remember to stop working when you're not getting paid. 

Good advice so far, go, enjoy, pretend you don't recognize the a##hole.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

We wish to marry in the Catholic Church. Yes, 15 years is a long time but until I came along he didn’t plan to remarry so no need to annul the marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

+70% of second marriages fail. You are looking right into the eye of the storm of a second marriage. How does it feel? It usually doesn't change. Sometimes, they learn how to tolerate you. Sometimes, they don't. Good luck.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How can you anul a marriage that produced several children? Of course the marriage happened.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What does your fiance say about his ex's behavior towards you. The last thing you want is for him to secretly or not so secretly enjoy a good cat fight.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Tomara said:
> 
> 
> > We wish to marry in the Catholic Church. Yes, 15 years is a long time but until I came along he didn’t plan to remarry so no need to annul the marriage.
> ...


In the Catholic Church you can get an annulment for cheating or even thinking about cheating. That would be lying about your intentions to be faithful at the time of the wedding. So it would be invalid in the eyes of the church.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I thought you could only annul a marriage for specific set reasons.


Although the criteria has expanded, The vows are an oath to God, not your spouse. It's just that humans like to romanticize. How do you break a vow to God? It isn't easy. Mainly, you had to be in a state where you could not willingly make the vow, or understand what you were really doing, or you were never going to keep those vows, or something fairly heinous like that. That's why it is such a sin to remarry and not get an annulment, or even have sex with someone else before annulment. It's why it is breaking one of the ten commandments. It's adultery. It's a mess, but can be done reasonably easily today with the right amount of money and sponsors. It's good in some ways, but it's bad in others. No one knows your motives when you get married, except God. I don't know. It's a bit frightening to think about, if you are a believer of any denomination. You really are heavily relying on the mercy of God.


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

The hospitality industry mindset means you have to try
and make everyone happy. The key word is try, some people
cannot be pleased. Your fiance never planned on getting remarried.
Maybe now that he is happy that is what bugs them. You make him happy
and they are miserable. 

Remember ignore the childish individuals, and pity them.
They are often miserable and try and make everyone's life
around them like theirs..Being hospitable, try and make everyone happy. 
It is also called being civil, and an adult. The annulment may be a problem
however .Maybe consider a different plan.

Have a wonderful and happy life together, live your life not theirs.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Livvie said:


> How can you anul a marriage that produced several children? Of course the marriage happened.




It’s a Catholic thing and it doesn’t say the kids didn’t come from the marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

My fiancé is not crazy about how they treat me but he said just ignore them. He doesn’t let things upset him.

I am not concerned nor planning for this marriage to fail. I wish to be able take the sacrament in the church. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I thought you could only annul a marriage for specific set reasons.


It does have specific reasons but the reasons are vague and easy to lie about. My x wife also annulled ours supposedly by lying her teeth off. The church did little to care or investigate


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You shouldn’t let the x ruin your fun. She is acting like a child just don’t acknowledged her existence when she is around. The far greater problem is the daughter who you say treats you the same way. That needs to be stopped immediately and that’s something your finance has to deal with now.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

OP, how old are your fiancés kids? If the middle child is frosty she may have relayed something true or untrue to her mom and now mom is reacting to it. Either way, not your problem. Don’t try to figure it out and don’t try to fix it. 

Skip the games unless it is a championship and attend the bdays and weddings.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> OP, how old are your fiancés kids? If the middle child is frosty she may have relayed something true or untrue to her mom and now mom is reacting to it. Either way, not your problem. Don’t try to figure it out and don’t try to fix it.
> 
> Skip the games unless it is a championship and attend the bdays and weddings.




Daughter is 25 and having her first child. She should know better but if she’s like her Mom. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If you are legally divorced then of course its not adultery if you marry again, that's just the RC teaching. Annulment isn't Biblical either. Certain things break that marriage covenant, such as sexual immorality, so in those sorts of cases, the legal divorce is only making legal what has already happened. Sad to think that for money they will make a first marriage as if it has never happened which is fact it has and God knows it has. How mercenary.:frown2:
> 
> I don't find it frightening, especially as God gave me a second husband with everything I asked him for, and it was a LONG list. We both divorced for Biblical reasons.


The countries laws and God's laws are different. Take notice of the tax paid by the apostles when Christ asked whose face was on the coin. 

Therefore, legally, it's not adultery. By God's laws, it is.


It does seem a bit mercenary, but it isn't. Either you pay for the folks helping you through the churches court and costs or parish funding does. In that sense, it is similar to taxes in the secular world. If you don't have the money, it will be done for you, but the costs come from the donations. 


When you say the marriage happened, you are correct. A ceremony was performed, but it is ruled invalid, since you or your spouse were not capable of truly making that oath to God. 


Like I said, humans like to romanticize it. It's really a very serous oath that comes with consequences.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Age of the children doesn't matter. Maturity does. Many adult children hate their step parents, but put on a pleasant demeanor around them and leave the gathering early. The kind of thing you are going through is going to happen in almost any family you place yourself into through marriage.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

We are dealing with grandkids now and being a part of their lives. Therefore all people are involved. Or, Godchildren getting married. We live in a small community so everyone knows everyone. 

I wish people had not gotten off on the religion. I only know of one on this board that has true knowledge of the Catholic Church. No money has been exchanged for the annulment and no promise that it would even happen. Honesty, I don’t think the annulment will happen for him because I believe he entered into his marriage with the honest true believe he would remain married to M. No false reason in the beginning. Cheating later in the marriage is not a reason for an annulment even if it did happen.

Back to the original post, it’s hard to not be included and being treated nice when your own family doesn’t deal that way. Both my adult kids and father accept G with open arms. They have loved him from the very start of our dating. He really is an amazing person, everyone likes G.

It’s not part of my makeup to turn a blind eye to rude mean people as I was not brought up that way. We call it bad manners!









Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

By the way I am not Catholic but planning to convert so I can share this part of my life with my future husband. Both of us do not believe everything the Catholic Church preaches. It is very important to me to be able to take communion in my faith. 

I believe that we must give of ourselves to make this marriage sound. I love this man in more ways than can be explained. I am going into this with eyes wide open, I am not young and dumb. However, I do have feelings that can be hurt.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Every religion has there different meaning. One cannot put someone else’s religion as wrong if you don’t have the basic knowledge. Agree to disagree 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you don't believe everything the church teaches, you should not convert and he should not seek an annulment. It will all be a sham before God. There is nothing wrong with being spiritual, going to a nondenom church and receiving communion. You are receiving the body and blood of Christ in communion within the Catholic church. Don't believe me? Satanists believe it is and use it in rituals, if they can get their hands on it. That was the reason for placing the host on the tongue instead of in the hand, which Vatican II changed. The church has made many mistakes. 

Falsely saying you believe in God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit when you don't, that you believe in the Holy Catholic church the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins and everlasting life might be the wrong thing to do. 

You probably should go to marriage counseling through the church and then to RCIA to get an understanding of what you are committing to before you set a date.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Basically, you just made your case for an annulment with that statement that you don't believe in the laws of the church. Your wedding can't be valid in a case like that. Your vows can't be believed when the sacrament of marriage is performed. 

Take your time and think about all of this. You may change your mind about the church. You aren't ready at the moment.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Basically, you just made your case for an annulment with that statement that you don't believe in the laws of the church. Your wedding can't be valid in a case like that. Your vows can't be believed when the sacrament of marriage is performed.
> 
> 
> 
> Take your time and think about all of this. You may change your mind about the church. You aren't ready at the moment.




Yes I have to take my time. I believe in most of the laws of the church but that doesn’t mean I follow blindly. I do believe in the trinity 100%. No church is perfect as man has become involved in its interpretation. 

I do plan on attending Classes. More knowledge is needed than reading dummies for Catholics. As I said this is a new religion fit me. 

How am I suppose to believe that I am not able to take communion in the church? God did not state “ only if you are of a certain religion”. Come all who believe.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Tomara said:


> Yes I have to take my time. I believe in most of the laws of the church but that doesn’t mean I follow blindly. I do believe in the trinity 100%. No church is perfect as man has become involved in its interpretation.
> 
> I do plan on attending Classes. More knowledge is needed than reading dummies for Catholics. As I said this is a new religion fit me.
> 
> ...


Because Protestants take Communion as a symbol, “Do this in remembrance of Me.” Catholics believe it actually turns into the body and blood of Christ in your mouth - Transubstantiation.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I cant see how it cant if the marriage is annulled. They are basically saying that the marriage never happened.



No, they are saying that the marriage was not SACRAMENTAL. They don't say it wasn't LEGAL. Totally different concepts.

Here's a quote from the Wikipedia entry on Sacraments and the Catholic Church:

"In the teaching of the Roman Catholic Church, "the sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us. The visible rites by which the sacraments are celebrated signify and make present the graces proper to each sacrament. They bear fruit in those who receive them with the required dispositions.""

A sacramentally valid marriage---one in which the participants had "the required dispositions"--cannot be broken, because it is an extension/manifestation of Christ's grace. However, if those participants in the marriage were did NOT have the "required dispositions" then the marriage was NOT a Sacrament--NOT a manifestation of Christ's grace--then it is allowed for the participants to remarry because no Sacramental event occurred. However, a LEGAL event obviously occurred, so the children are not "illegitimate". 

You can make out a Will, enact a Power of Attorney or all sorts of other "legal" transactions, and they would indeed be legal but not Sacramental--not a manifestation of God's grace. The lack of valid Sacramental standing does not make these transactions "illegal" or "illegitimate" in the Church's eyes.

So, no, the children are NOT illegitimate, even though the annulment may find that it was not a Sacramentally Valid marriage.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Tomara said:


> We are dealing with grandkids now and being a part of their lives. Therefore all people are involved. Or, Godchildren getting married. We live in a small community so everyone knows everyone.
> 
> I wish people had not gotten off on the religion. I only know of one on this board that has true knowledge of the Catholic Church. No money has been exchanged for the annulment and no promise that it would even happen. Honesty, I don’t think the annulment will happen for him because I believe he entered into his marriage with the honest true believe he would remain married to M. No false reason in the beginning. Cheating later in the marriage is not a reason for an annulment even if it did happen.
> 
> ...


OK, getting back to the original issue, do you have any sense of WHY the ex is hostile to you? Are you getting any explanation from your fiancé? If they divorced 15 years previously, then obviously it's not because she views you as a "home wrecker", and if she is remarried herself, I would assume it's not because she had hopes of getting him back some day. 

Therefore, my first assumption is that she is just very hostile to your fiancé as a residual of their marriage, and you are feeling the "collateral damage" of her hate because you are involved with him. This may really limit what you are able to do about it. Furthermore, if she perceives you as having any sort of potential positive qualities (maybe younger, prettier, more educated, financially successful, nicer personality--whatever it could be), she may be even more hostile toward you because, in her hatred, she wouldn't want her ex to get a woman with those qualities. 

In my own personal experience, my ex (who is also remarried) was/is hostile to the current Mrs. Wolfman in a very similar situation. This would be manifested whenever we were both present for some life event (eg, college graduations, etc.). In fact, it was so obvious that one of my sons basically told his mother that she'd better get used to the fact that Mrs. Wolfman and I were going to be present at his events, and if she couldn't handle it, then she should not come. (I was very proud of my son for both taking a stand like that, as well as being able to see his mother's behavior for what it was/is.)

Unfortunately, for reasons not revealed in your posts, your fiancé's daughter is behaving in a manner similar to her mother, so you can't depend on her to take a stand. 

Maybe her hostility will improve with time, although my ex has been hostile for the 2 decades I have been married to the current Mrs. Wolfman, so you can't really count on any improvement, in my experience.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

@Wolfman1968
No idea why the wife and daughter are hostile. I am just going to take it as the are bitter for whatever reason. I can’t change it so I will try and ignore to the best of my ability.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

It’s not so much the church but man who runs them. I have prayed more in my truck than I ever have prayed in a church. God listens no matter where you choose to talk to him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Tomara said:


> With all the summer activities, weddings, birthdays, ballgames I am coming in constant contact with the ex wife, they have been divorced for 15 years and she is remarried. The first time I met her I put my hand out to say hello and she turned her back on me. She will not speak with me at any event. Oh, she is the one that divorce my fiancé’.
> 
> I am not wanting to attend the events where I know she will be there because it makes me uncomfortable. Is it wrong to just not attend? I can’t wait til she finds out G is trying to have their marriage annulled!
> Also, the middle daughter treats me the same way her Mom does.
> ...


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Tomara said:


> Yes I have to take my time. I believe in most of the laws of the church but that doesn’t mean I follow blindly. I do believe in the trinity 100%. No church is perfect as man has become involved in its interpretation.
> 
> I do plan on attending Classes. More knowledge is needed than reading dummies for Catholics. As I said this is a new religion fit me.
> 
> ...


I don't understand the question.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Truly, it is a bad idea for a Catholic to marry a Protestant. It is difficult, though it can be done.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I don't understand the question.




If I don’t convert to Catholicism I cannot take communion in the RC church nor will they recognize our marriage. There is my exact problem with the RC Church. Jesus did not say if you are or you are not a certain religion you cannot partake of the holy sacrament, this is man saying it. 

In the end, I may not choose to convert to my fiancé’s religion and he is well aware of that possibility. He is not dead set against my converting or not and has actually gone to my church, Methodist. I feel strongly that we should attend church and share this as part of our union. 

Yes to the naysayer that said second marriages have a 70% fail rate. We both thought we would be married to the same person for the rest of our lives however, cheating is something we could not live with. We are older, no kids, and are working out problems before we marry. I am all for a man and a woman getting a second chance to have love and have a good marriage. At least the second time around you have you **** worked out before the I do’s...... if you are smart!




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Truly, it is a bad idea for a Catholic to marry a Protestant. It is difficult, though it can be done.




We are both Christian so I don’t agree with you in the least. It’s simply called respect for his beliefs and my beliefs. Corner stone of a good union..... respect.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

No problem. I didn't expect you to agree. If his religious beliefs are not that important to him, it can work. Your post that he wants an annulment made me think they were important to him. I guess they are actually more important to you.


----------



## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Tomara said:


> *If I don’t convert to Catholicism I cannot take communion in the RC church nor will they recognize our marriage. There is my exact problem with the RC Church. Jesus did not say if you are or you are not a certain religion you cannot partake of the holy sacrament, this is man saying it. *
> 
> In the end, I may not choose to convert to my fiancé’s religion and he is well aware of that possibility. He is not dead set against my converting or not and has actually gone to my church, Methodist. I feel strongly that we should attend church and share this as part of our union.
> 
> ...


You are in the Protestant mindset. Protestants do not believe the bread and wine transform into Christ’s body and blood during Communion. In fact, some Protestants think that idea is blasphemous. Protestants don’t believe that physical objects hold any sort of divinity. If you don’t understand why your baptism isn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, that is why. Because Protestants don’t believe in one of the fundamental tenets of Catholicism. Out of respect Protestants don’t pursue taking Communion in the Catholic Church either, but anyone who has been baptized can take Communion in a Protestant church.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be mean. This is truly serious business.




> 13. If I am granted an annulment, will that mean the Church sees my children as illegitimate?
> It is the understanding of the Church that children born of a union that is later declared an invalid marriage (annulled) are not illegitimate if at least one of the parties entered into the union with good faith.
> 
> 14. I am marrying a person of another faith who is divorced. Does he (she) need an annulment?
> ...



https://togetherforlifeonline.com/catholic-annulment/


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> What can be more important to the Catholic faith than the Eucharist, which the Second Vatican Council calls "the source and summit of the Christian life" (Lumen Gentium 11). The popular hymn At That First Eucharist sings of it as the "great sacrament of unity," and the Catechism says, "The Eucharist is the efficacious sign and sublime cause of that communion of the divine life and that unity of the People of God" (CCC 1325).
> 
> Yet for many people the Eucharist can seem like a source of division. Consider this not uncommon scenario. You have been talking with a friend about your faith. He is not Catholic, but has been asking questions about Catholicism. You have been sharing what you know, and what the faith means to you (especially your love of the Eucharist). You are excited by his interest and want to encourage him, so you invite him to come to Mass with you next Sunday. To your great joy, he accepts. You go to Mass together, but before you enter the church you remember something you need to tell him. "Oh, before I forget," you say, "During Communion, when everyone goes up to receive, you can't. That's just for Catholics. Non-Catholics can't receive Communion in our Church."





> It is very important to understand that this is not a simple matter of "Catholics get to receive the Eucharist, non-Catholics don't." If that were all it was, it would be exclusionary and divisive. But this is not the case, and it is important that the newcomer you bring to Mass, and you yourself, understand this point clearly.
> The invitation to the Eucharist is open to all. But, as the Catechism reminds us, "To respond to this invitation we must prepare ourselves for so great and holy a moment" (CCC 1385). The Catechism then goes on to quote from St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
> 
> Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For any one who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself. (1 Cor 11:27-29).






> Christ promises life to those who eat His flesh and drink His blood (Jn 6:53), but Paul warns that those who do so unworthily risk receiving spiritual death. The Church therefore, out of care for the souls receiving the Eucharist, wants to ensure that those who do so are adequately prepared.



Explaining Closed Communion to Non-Catholics


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

This do in remembrance of me." With these words ringing in our ears, we regularly celebrate communion. As we drink the cup and eat the bread, we reflect on Christ's sacrifice and look forward to his return. ... The "message" of communion is important and deserves our full attention.

I already stated I am not Catholic but am trying to understand. I know there is a vast lack of understanding of the Catholic Church. I am doing my do diligence by research. 

As I quoted above are my beliefs at this time. I can’t argue with what the Catholic Church peaches until I have more knowledge.

I do take offense when one tells me a marriage cannot work if of different faiths. Not walking in my shoes and knows neither of us. General statement of damnation is hard to swallow, human should not judge others least they be judged.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

Don't leave to attend the common events. If she ignores then you can also do the same. Don't think about people, just live your life in your own way.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Tomara said:


> I can’t wait til she finds out G is trying to have their marriage annulled!


I was raised RC, 12 years of Catholic School, so after all those years of having the bible forced down my throat I know the rules left to right and back to front. This annulment will not be granted, and nor should it be. It should never have been sought. I would NEVER forgive my dad had he tried this on my mum (they were happily married until his death). Shame on your fiance, what an insult to his children and their mother. He chose her after all didn't he?

Annulments are ridiculous. Pffft.

I am a RC who married not only a non religious person, but a *gasp* divorcee! I should burn in hell I guess, lol.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Tomara said:


> This do in remembrance of me." With these words ringing in our ears, we regularly celebrate communion. As we drink the cup and eat the bread, we reflect on Christ's sacrifice and look forward to his return. ... The "message" of communion is important and deserves our full attention.
> 
> I already stated I am not Catholic but am trying to understand. I know there is a vast lack of understanding of the Catholic Church. I am doing my do diligence by research.
> 
> ...


Please stop trying to defend yourself. There is no need for that. None. The annulment is for your future husband and his beliefs. It isn’t for you and it isn’t for the “faithful” here. He can ask and it can be granted or it can be denied. Not your circus, not your damnation (nor his). 

My XFIL (RIP) had a very long-term girlfriend, “Joan” My in-laws waited until the kids were “grown” to divorce. In this case it was when the youngest was 30. (All of their kids wished it happened 30 years earlier.). Long story short - Joan went to all holidays, games, celebrations. It was most uncomfortable for her. My XMIL and XSIL were brutal. Both BSC. And Joan still goes to my kids games and plays even though my XFIL has been deceased for 5 years. She remembers their birthdays And my kids know who she is. They don’t know who my MIL is. She has never taken an interest in them, never remembered their birthdays, even before we divorced. 

My point is you might never win over the XW or the DD, but the relationship with the grandkids and in laws night be worth the pain.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

This post has gotten way off the original post. I am not going to debate any aspect of religion, what I believe or others believe. This is between my fiancé and myself.

From the original post, I will try to ignore the ex and daughter since they choose not to be kind. If I feel uncomfortable then I will detach myself from the situation..... this I have control over. 

Thank you all for your opinions. Post is dead as it has gotten off topic and I don’t wish to feel like I have to protect myself from attack’s. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Fact 1; the RC church has made getting an annulment easier from the 1980's.
Nothing new here.

Fact 2; the RC has annulled marriages that had children.

Fact 3; the RC does not consider those children to be illegitimate. They are able
to receive all the sacraments of the RC church.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Truly, it is a bad idea for a Catholic to marry a Protestant. It is difficult, though it can be done.





Tomara said:


> If I don’t convert to Catholicism I cannot take communion in the RC church nor will they recognize our marriage. There is my exact problem with the RC Church. Jesus did not say if you are or you are not a certain religion you cannot partake of the holy sacrament, this is man saying it.
> 
> In the end, I may not choose to convert to my fiancé’s religion and he is well aware of that possibility. He is not dead set against my converting or not and has actually gone to my church, Methodist. I feel strongly that we should attend church and share this as part of our union.
> 
> ...


Then, what can you do? Change the church or is it better to change something in your life?



Tomara said:


> This do in remembrance of me." With these words ringing in our ears, we regularly celebrate communion. As we drink the cup and eat the bread, we reflect on Christ's sacrifice and look forward to his return. ... The "message" of communion is important and deserves our full attention.
> 
> I already stated I am not Catholic but am trying to understand. I know there is a vast lack of understanding of the Catholic Church. I am doing my do diligence by research.
> 
> ...



You can take offense to the first quote in this reply if you want. It doesn't say what you think it does, though. 

What general statement of damnation? That was Paul, the apostle, that said that, not the church nor me. He knew the apostles and spoke with them. It's likely he got his ideas from them. Were they not educated by Christ? 

I know you are frustrated. I'm sorry about that. I don't make the rules. God the Father made them. Christ spoke what His Father told him to speak. Surely, any Christian knows that? Maybe you need to just take your time and think about all of this and talk with your fiancé?


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Then, what can you do? Change the church or is it better to change something in your life?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Did you not understand a simple statement??? That dense ??? I will not discuss religion anymore as I stated You have thread jacked my original post and I should not have responded from the very being. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why did they get divorced? It's weird that she asked for a divorce, and 15 years later, she's jealous of you? Her actions are that of a jealous ex wife. Her daughter's behavior is just mirroring her own. It's almost like they're angry with him.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Why did they get divorced? It's weird that she asked for a divorce, and 15 years later, she's jealous of you? Her actions are that of a jealous ex wife. Her daughter's behavior is just mirroring her own. It's almost like they're angry with him.




I think they had it in their minds that he would remain single. 
They got divorced because she cheated and would just up an leave for a week at a time. She divorce him, he would have remained married until the kids were grown.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Tomara said:


> I think they had it in their minds that he would remain single.
> They got divorced because she cheated and would just up an leave for a week at a time. She divorce him, he would have remained married until the kids were grown.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Okay, so one of those ''I don't want you, but I don't want you to want anyone else,'' kind of scenario? I'm glad he's free of her, and has found love with you. It's odd that a kid from a marriage where one of the spouses cheated, would take the cheater's side...or not want to be closer to the BS side. 

My advice would be to be cordial when you see them, but steer clear. You don't need to be friends with them. But, be the classy one, the truth will be seen.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tomara said:


> We are dealing with grandkids now and being a part of their lives. Therefore all people are involved. Or, Godchildren getting married. We live in a small community so everyone knows everyone.
> 
> I wish people had not gotten off on the religion. I only know of one on this board that has true knowledge of the Catholic Church. No money has been exchanged for the annulment and no promise that it would even happen. Honesty, I don’t think the annulment will happen for him because I believe he entered into his marriage with the honest true believe he would remain married to M. No false reason in the beginning. Cheating later in the marriage is not a reason for an annulment even if it did happen.
> 
> ...


Was he the adulterous spouse in his marriage?

You cannot do anything about someone else's manners, but you can choose how to respond to rude people. I have a situation where someone (I'll refer to as A) has refused to acknowledge my presence and the presence of others at certain events. I just forget about A and go about my business. It doesn't matter if A is ignoring me. I'm not ignoring A, but I'm not engaging with A either. If A were to engage with me, I would respond according to how A was engaging. If A engaged in a polite manner, I would behave in kind. If A were rude to me, I'd have to decide what an appropriate response the that particular behavior would be. It is what it is. You can't change anyone but yourself. Live and let live.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

@CynthiaD
He was not the one that cheated.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Tomara said:


> With all the summer activities, weddings, birthdays, ballgames I am coming in constant contact with the ex wife, they have been divorced for 15 years and she is remarried. The first time I met her I put my hand out to say hello and she turned her back on me. She will not speak with me at any event. Oh, she is the one that divorce my fiancé’.
> 
> I am not wanting to attend the events where I know she will be there because it makes me uncomfortable. Is it wrong to just not attend? I can’t wait til she finds out G is trying to have their marriage annulled!
> Also, the middle daughter treats me the same way her Mom does.
> ...


I doubt you have been friendly. I would say you have been more tense than you have been talking with me, but it would be obvious to her how you really feel. 

Why don't you ask your fiancé? He's the one you should be talking with. He is the one you live with. His ex will obviously be a bother to you as long as you two are together.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I doubt you have been friendly. I would say you have been more tense than you have been talking with me, but it would be obvious to her how you really feel.
> 
> 
> 
> Why don't you ask your fiancé? He's the one you should be talking with. He is the one you live with. His ex will obviously be a bother to you as long as you two are together.




I stated in my first post that I did try to be friendly. I don’t live with my fiancé and we have talked about this. I came here to ask for help but instead two of you here have;
1. Attacked my religious believes, It is apparent you have deep seated anger with certain religion. I didn’t ask for help with this.
2. Thread jacked
3. Posted to start arguments 

The first words from you last post was simply you poking me to see if you could get a reaction. This is neither kind nor really needed.

I am trying to make sense of the ex wife and daughters reaction to me. No way in hell will it ruin my union with G.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Tomara said:


> I am trying to make sense of the ex wife and daughters reaction to me.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sometimes the best sense you can make of peoples' actions is that they are fools.

I forget how old the daughter is, but if she is young she may come around. Kids often behave strangely in a divorce.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Daughter is 25 have pregnant with her first child. I agree, I should just ignore poor behavior and go about building my new life.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

All 5 kids from both sides are all adults. Three are married. If my kids and been rude to any member of G’s family I would have yanked a knot in their tail quick. I don’t put up with disrespect from those I gave birth to!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tomara said:


> This do in remembrance of me." With these words ringing in our ears, we regularly celebrate communion. As we drink the cup and eat the bread, we reflect on Christ's sacrifice and look forward to his return. ... The "message" of communion is important and deserves our full attention.


Jesus also stated that the bread was His body and the wine was His blood. Catholics take the entire quote to mean exactly what Jesus said. Apparently Protestants take it metaphorically.



Tomara said:


> I already stated I am not Catholic but am trying to understand. I know there is a vast lack of understanding of the Catholic Church. I am doing my do diligence by research.
> 
> As I quoted above are my beliefs at this time. I can’t argue with what the Catholic Church peaches until I have more knowledge.
> 
> I do take offense when one tells me a marriage cannot work if of different faiths. Not walking in my shoes and knows neither of us. General statement of damnation is hard to swallow, human should not judge others least they be judged.


A mixed religion marriage can be difficult for some people. I don't think that recognizing that it can be difficult is judging the people, it's recognizing that there can be a struggle for some people.

Others can deal with their difference in faith. If you and your fiancé feel that you both handle it, then more power to you!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tomara said:


> I think they had it in their minds that he would remain single.
> They got divorced because she cheated and would just up an leave for a week at a time. She divorce him, he would have remained married until the kids were grown.


I think that some people expect the spouse that they cheated on and divorced to pine for them forever.

My 2nd husband's ex did this He found out that she had cheated on him with a few men most of their marriage. By the time I met him they were well into their divorce and she was living with last affair partner for 6 months or more.

But she was jealous when she found out that we were dating. He comment to him what "You sure moved on quickly!" LOL

After we married, tried to be social with me once or twice, but then took on the attitude of an advisory. She would not come near me and she started emailing him, chatting online and flirting with him. And all the while she was still living with the guy.

Sometimes people make no sense at all.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*WARNING.....

I just deleted a long thread jack with posters insulting/attacking Tamara and her fiancé's religion. While Tamara did mention religion, she is not asking for input on her religious beliefs nor for a discussion of religious doctrine. Such discussions are only allowed in the Politics and Religion Forum anyway.

Tamara has asked that the thread jack stop and that this thread focus on her initial issue.... that her fiancé's ex and daughter are being very unfriendly, even rude, to her.
*


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I think the ex wife is jealous because G spends so much time with me. When they were married she was a SAH mom. He is a full time farmer and full time cabinet maker. So, to support 5 people alone he had to work a lot. Later when the kids were bigger she could not hold a job because if her internet behavior, she was fired several times.

She did not join him when working on the farm. He did not get home until later in the evening. I however am happy to help him with anything farm wise so this allows me more time with him otherwise I would be a farmers widow. He raises cattle, turkeys and crops. No part of any day is not taken with chores.

I am preparing to move to the farm so that probably doesn’t sit well because that was “their” home. I am also changing things in the house, but I have put up all the family pictures minus ex wife. So I make sure they don’t feel like I erasing them. I haven’t even put up my own family pictures yet.

There probably isn’t anything I can do to make them cordial to me, just accept that fact. Some people can never look inward on their behavior, they just don’t have it in them. 

G sees how they are but he is very laid back and not bothered by things where I am more high strung so to speak. In the 2 1/ 2 years we have been exclusively dating we have only had on fight. I think that is amazing odds for a couple. Our personalities balance each other very well. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@EleGirl.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...ssion/424889-fiance-ex-wife.html#post19600533

She brought it up before anyone else. 



Secondly, you and I both know that you cannot change anyone else. You can only change yourself. I looked and know I posted one sentence stating that or paraphrasing it. 

Others seem to think it doesn't matter if(as long as) they love each other. How many marriages have you and I seen fail because love was not enough? How many times have folks with the best marriages shown respect, lovingkindness, and a compatibility that includes and goes way beyond sex? 

The easiest thing to do is to find another man, someone who is more compatible in all ways. 

Next, be gracious, kind and humble in the face of the adversity.

Next, hope that he loves you more than his children, so that he will defend you enough to satisfy your desires to be respected as a motherly figure in their lives. 

In truth, it is easier to prove to them through actions with them that you are worthy of their respect and love as a motherly figure in their lives. That's truly damn tough to do when they are with their mother and father more than you. 

Ex.: Helping them in the face of adversity, as in, saving their lives when they are drowning, as an example. Please do not create the adversity to achieve your goals. Your plan and actions would be discovered and found vicious and sick, if not illegal. I do not believe you are that type of woman. I felt a disclaimer was necessary.

One thing that might help is learning about how to handle parental alienation. That's basically what you are and will continue to go through. As I said before, good luck, or whatever positive terminology means I hope you get the respect and love you deserve, though I know there is so much against it, along with changing your life through marriage.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> @EleGirl.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




@2ntnuf

I am sorry you are a bitter human being. I don’t have to be a mother figure, that’s not my place. You are the other person on this thread that has hijacked. Talked to Ele Girl all you want, this is my problem not hers. 

I was mean spirited as you are until I realized it did me no good. Second marriages can an do work. You have to put in the effort. Nay sayers are useless and if you don’t have anything positive then why reply?




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Ele Girl close the post because it’s useless when arguments are continued and I am sure you don’t wish to be drug in. He/she doesn’t need to interject anymore. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tomara,

Just one last comment. You are right that you do not need to be a mother figure to his children. They are grown. They have a mother. It's not your job as you know.

I hope you work this out with your fiance. He needs to come to terms with how his ex's and his children's behavior affects you. That is if he wants you to be in his life.


----------

