# Husband and my own EA



## Darksavior (Jun 4, 2010)

I have no one to talk to here. Basically, I found out that his father left him and his mother encourages affairs, cheating on a man with a heart condition. Sorry this is so long.

I met my husband ten years ago on the Internet when I was twenty years old. Everything went perfectly. My husband and I clicked right off. There was no one who swept me off of my feet as much as the one I loved did. Because I lived in a volatile home and being a caretaker to a sick parent at a very young age, I "ran away" with my husband. He was a way out, and we were both very young at the time. To be with my husband, I left school. 

For the first six years, we were hot and cold. Our sex life has always been amazing. Our emotional life had been liking. Whether it is the fault of mine, his, or a collaborations of different beliefs, we had ups and downs. There had been times that I thought about cheating at him, and this had always followed a period where he treated me no better than you would treat dog feces. Throughout it all, I stayed with him. The good times were really good, and the bad times were really bad. He was diagnosed with clinical depression before I met him, and I am codependent because of what happened in the house I grew up in. Watching someone fade way into a limbo state from a very young age messed with my mind. I came to initiate depressive moods in my husband and take care of him when those "downs" became to horrible (bringing him back up).

Then, we hit our six year mark, and he went to Georgia to welcome his brother home from Iraq. I stayed because I wanted some time alone. We were fighting, and I felt sadden by the actions that he had taken. We became strangers, sleeping in the same bed, playing Massively, Multiplayer Online Games, and having sex. However, we did preform a handfastening to bind our spirits together in love and happiness. The time apart was what we needed. We made love when he returned, and I became pregnant with our only child.

Things had changed. We both started to appreciate each other, lulling each other into a sense of security and acceptance. I knew he would support my every decision, and I would support his. Then, we decided to marry legally because in our eyes we were already married in the eyes of the gods that we believe in when I daughter was three months. The year passed with us caring for our daughter together, becoming a cohesive family unit.

Throughout all six years, he was telling me that I could have another lover if I wanted. He is not possessive or jealous when it comes to other men looking at me. He even said that it did not matter if I am with someone, and he would rather witness it than it be behind his back. My husband had certain "rules" when it came to a three-way relationship because he is an alpha male. I could not make him feel neglected, which is not that demanding. The man couldn't finish inside of me. I would end it if my husband was uncomfortable about it.

All the talk was hypothetical. It was like, "if you could have a three-way, would you?" Arousing hypothetical questions. We are the type that likes to roleplay (in a non-sexual and sexual way). I enjoy the freedom of telling him if I viewed this or that man attractive, but I never intended to act on it. I love my husband very much, and I respected him.

Seven and 1/2 years passed, and we pretended to be happy. We were fighting more again since his depression kicks in the winter from December - April. I had stopped causing his depressive mood swings as I had started to work on my codependency issues, trying to better myself for myself. I did not want to live that way, and I could imagine what kind of wife I was. I was flirting with a man on an MMO, and I had some "feelings" for him. It wasn't love, but I was attracted to the attention he gave me that my husband did not. After learning that he felt the same for me, I approached my husband about going into a three-way relationship with the OM.

After discussion and creating a list of rules for such a thing, he agreed. I don't know why I approached him at the time, nor do I know why this other guy caught my fancy. I would guess that it was because my husband and I felt at emotional odds. For everyone else, we were the perfect couple. We smiled on the outside, creating a facade. Inside, his illness started to drain on me. I would never leave him in part that I am codependant and in part that I take my marriage vows seriously (through sickness and health). I don't know why he agreed. Perhaps, he would do anything to make me happy? I could spend an entire post by hypothesizing exactly why he agreed. Despite all rational thought, we invited a third man into our relationship. There were a couple of rules that made my husband comfortable with it. Because he lived far away, there would be no physical contact (and I don't think there would have been.) I wasn't physically attracted to the man. Everything we talked about, my husband wanted to read. There were certain things that I couldn't do because they remained my husband's.

I found out that I could not juggle two men. As the relationship progressed, there were certain things I noticed (red flags that I should have seen). First, I ripped through his boundaries like a bull. I would talk to this man, not log my chats, and take it beyond the game as in yahoo and msn messenger. I watched him do things to himself, talked to him all hours on skype, and become emotionally attatched to the man. I thought that I loved him. I started to ignore my husband more and more, went to having sex from 4-6 times a week to barely 1 a month, and started to get into fights with my husband.

As I withdrew more, my husband asked me to stop the relationship. He begged me to on one occasion. I replied to him that it was too late and things were out of my control. I experienced a high when it came to this man. So instead of listening to my husband, I took the OM's side. Because I ignored him, my husband started to chat more and more to our female guild leader. She placed him in an officer's position, given him much leadership over the guild we were in. He would spend hours talking to her, get angry when I interrupted, or when I requested to just be with him. Once or twice, I asked him to come to bed with me and he attacked me saying that I made the OW feel used. I started to say up at night, getting 2 hours a sleep a day to drive a wedge between my husband and the OW. He would minimize his computer windows when I was in the room, get hushed when he was talking to her on skype. I come to find out he sent pornographic links from a amateur porno site. They were pictures of pleasuring himself that we took together. There was also pictures of me. The OW was bi, and said that she "wanted to cuddle with me on the couch." I was weird out by that and refused to block her. At the same time, she came whining to me about her boyfriend having another woman on the side while she was planning on taking my husband from me.

The "open" relationship (only applied to me) was cracking down the sides because of the OW. The OM was best friends with the OW, and she was telling him lies about how my husband was bothering her. I'm sure my husband made her send video of herself masturbating with the message "This is for you, sexy". I only caught this when I had a hunch to check his email. After that, he changed his password (which he eventually gave me the new password). I found out much later that he had created a new email address to contact the OW on. I had my evidence and I confronted my best friend and my husband on skype. They tried to say that the email was mailed on accident. I should have pushed the issue. I knew from experience that WS lie from my aunts' husbands. They try anything to keep their "high" from the relationship. She was the "only one" my husband could talk to. I agree because I was emotionally unavailable.

The blow-up happened when I told him I had enough of her. She sent me a tell in game, telling me "my daughter and I would be out on the street." My husband would be hers. She became needy and emotional. He still would not admit the EA, but all contact with the woman was cut. He wanted nothing to do with her. We ended up switching games because she would follow us to the other realm in the game to be with my husband. He realized that family was more important than her. This was around the time that our open relationship cracked completely, and I started to withdraw from the OM.

For the next three years, I have lived in doubt since he never did admit to the EA (although the hard evidence was on my side). He kept saying that he didn't want the pictures (and still does though I don't believe him). Last Jan., he admitted completely. He states that he did not have feelings for her. It was a means to get my own attention and to break up the EA. While he was the alpha dog, he viewed my happiness over his own. He didn't tell me because he was protecting me (and himself). While I have my suspicions over his true feelings for her, I realize that this might not be something that he will ever admit to. I have all of his passwords (to his email accounts, to his facebook), and he has passwords to all my forums, my emails, my own facebook. We don't have skype installed on either computer, and I randomly go into the cache to make sure it wasn't there recently. Because I was physically abused, mentally abuse, and forced to change adult diapers when I was a teenager, I find it extremely hard to trust. It is coming back, and it helped when I saw him delete this "secret" email. The last email that he sent her was in Feb. She did not remove us from the guild's website, and they were spamming our inbox talking about us and other past members. It wasn't a goodbye letter, but a "ban us from your site" I want nothing to do with you letter.

We are taking steps to improve our marriage. We don't have much money so we take walks and watch "chick" flicks once a week for just us. Our sex life has returned to the frequency and "passionate" nature it was before. We have taken personality quizzes. I am a ISFP, and my love language is personal touch. He is a INFJ, and his love language is affirmation. We have examined our relationship then, and we found out that the reason that he "wanted" to make me jealous was because he felt like he couldn't talk to me about anything. I was feeling unloved because he wasn't touching me, was very short-temptered with me, and treated me like a stranger. We are currently working through those issues. In the end, I think the EA and "open" relationship (which was really an EA) made our marriage stronger. 

Despite that, there are days where I don't check his email. My trust is slowly returning, but I don't know how long (of if it ever) it will return. There are times that I want to know every sordid details, that I wish to grill him on those details, and dislike the action he and I took at the time. During these last few months, stress had been mounting. I found out that I am not pregnant (after four neg pregnancy tests), but I am "late." I have to call the doctor monday to schedule an appointment to see what is wrong with my body. We had a serious discussion recently over what had happen three years ago, and I told him that if I still feel the resentment that I sometimes feel in six months from now that we should divorce. I can't resent our actions forever, and sometimes love can't heal all wounds. He said that I only had it confirmed in Jan, and that the hurt will be there. He's trying, and I'm trying. The good days outweigh the bad, but it seems like we take a couple steps forward and three steps back. 

How long does the hurt last? I truly don't know. He does know that I am resentful and hurtful. We have grown much since our child and the EAs happened. Our daughter is the apple of our eyes, and we have been rediscovered each other. In fact, we hardly argue anymore. When we do, we both go do something to not let the emotions rule our words. Then we talk about it later on in a calm manner.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Well, I'm amazed you survived all these ups and downs for this long!

I know online affairs can be very powerful but it seems to me that there's also an air of unreality to them, as if they're only within our heads... are they more manageable than 'real life' affairs?

You say the affair made your marriage stronger but you're considering splitting in six months...


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## Darksavior (Jun 4, 2010)

Thank you. I am a fighter in life when it comes to things. I'm giving our marriage a very serious shot. Of course, he is too. He continues to look at women, and I have no problem with that. He's leery to approach another woman as friends now. The OM wanted back in my life, contacting me through facebook. I told him basically that we didn't have an open marriage anymore. My marriage was more important than any feelings that he had sparked in me. He admitted he had hoped we did still have an open marriage. I deleted the facebook message without responding. Of course, that was after my husband had seen the email.

There was an unreal air to both of the affairs. I was comfortable in the knowledge that I had someone paying me their undivided attention. He got what he needed by "talking to her". I wouldn't know about 'real life' affairs, personally. I do know it tore both of my aunts apart, but they are still with their respective husbands. My first aunt, it made her stronger. My second aunt, she can't trust him at all. I look at it as a betrayal is a betrayal. While he did not betray with his body, he betrayed with his words (and if my instincts are right, his heart). 

Of course, the six month thing would start with separation. It'll depend on how far along that my and his own healing has come. I consider it better for my daughter instead of seeing her parents in a fracture state. As with everything in life, things are subject to change. :scratchhead: I don't want my daughter growing up to think that it's a norm to be a doormat for a man, and that it is okay to grow up resenting their husband's actions. As of right now, our marriage is like a rock (on the good days). On the bad days, it's not too bad either. We devote alot of time to each other. I support him in his depression. I know he has his ups and downs. After all, I knew about it before I married him. We go places as a family. He started a new job, but as of right now, money is tight until we catch up a couple of bills. We know what went wrong with our relationship before and are taking safeguards to be more affectionate and open towards each other. As a SAHM, I find my life boring. So I decided to start a book which I hope to get published some day (which he supports, even edits it for me). He works from 6- 1am in tech support on Monday-Wed, Sat and Sun 4-1a. I do miss him when he's gone.  There are days that I feel like I want to be alone with no relationship. Those days are fewer as the months go on.

Even though the EAs happened three years ago, he just told me about his in Jan. It's like it happened six months ago.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Well, it seems like you've come through all this with a couple of lifetimes' worth of self-knowledge!

I get the feeling that your relationship is in very strong shape as a result of working through these tribulations. You will know the best course of action for your child...I'm in a busted relationship where we have stayed together for our child and it's worked. I am so glad I stayed put - but of course it's different for everyone.

I like the simple wisdom of 'a betrayal is a betrayal'. Personally, I just want a simple life - reality is complicated enough and, while I've had some misadventures in the past, I can't cope with all the lies and self-censoring that goes with them.

you've posted some very interesting stuff - it's been a pleasure to read it.


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## Darksavior (Jun 4, 2010)

This is me venting 

I am very aware of my options when it comes to these tribulations. We are very careful of what we do because we both know the relationship is in a fragile state for the moment. We do things together, but we, also, do things apart. There is a give and take to the relationship, providing strong foundation when it comes to rebuilding us.

I think concerning my own child, my decisions come from my life before my husband. Before my stepfather developed a rare form of MS, he and my mother would fight all the time. Usually, it was over me. It was his illness developing, but it provided a rough childhood. From around the age of 12 - 20, I had to wash, feed, change him (along with my sister). At the age of 20, I went to college, and thought I escaped that life. My mother was overprotecting, and I realized that I would never escape. 

My husband's mother is the opposite. She had two PAs on her boyfriend now. I think it was residual from her husband having PAs on here (siring three children). He proceeded to leave them. My husband has not seen his father since he was a teenager, and he'll turn 30 in August.

My daughter will grow up loved by both of us. While Mommy and Daddy still love each other, there are things that we can not "get" through. My husband and I are very amicable now. I think what hurts me the most is not the EA, itself. There are certain things he said to her. There were crude messages on skype when we were playing. Those things that he said to her he said the exact things to me. He told her (and it was true at the time) that she was the "only one" he could talk to. He admitted manipulating both of us to get me jealous. The three-way relationship had made him jealous (when he is not a jealous guy). So he used her to get to me. I was met to find everything, and he is disgusted with himself for doing such things. He could not recognize himself. I had an EA too, although he did give his permission for an open marriage. What bothers me the most is that he lied to me for years about it. He told me to be honest with him, and he was still lying. I knew with the evidence, and I don't believe him when he says that he didn't feel anything for her. He told me once that he loved her. I found out the day after our wedding anniversary (Jan 1) because he couldn't live with the guilt of going through another year full of lies.


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## Darksavior (Jun 4, 2010)

*Boundaries*

I hope no-one minds that I am keeping this for my journal. I find it therapeutic for me to write. It helps me to explore my own feelings.

Boundaries are guidelines (rules or limits) that a person creates to indenty for themself what is safe and permissible ways for others to behave around them. How a person responds when their personal boundary is up to that individual. My husband has flexible boundaries. While rigid, he is the one in control. He decides what to let in and what to let out and is very resistant to reacting on his emotions. My husband is hard to manipulate and difficult to exploit. My own type of boundary is more rigid. I was sexually abused for years. My own emotions had been trampled on by my destructive family. When my stepfather was beginning to get ill, he would psychologically abuse me. I close off, retreating deeply into a shell so no-one could get close to me either physically or emotionally. I am learning to break out of that habit, moving into an area of my life that is healthier for my daughter and my husband.

Did I love the OM? I can look objectively at the incident that happened in 2008, two years and so many months ago. My whirlwind emotional affair lasted a total of five - six months. He provided the attention that I was not receiving from my husband. There was one time I made love to my husband, and the OM was upset that I did. While I do not believe the OM was innocent of any wrong-doing, I have to admit that I was to blame for letting myself develop any sort of attachment to him. The OM and my relationship started because I could talk to him about things that made my husband depressed. It makes me sick to think that I could develop an attachment to anyone as I did the OM. Was that how my husband's EA started? I had one question that I was curious about. I did not need to know, but I was curious. They said curiosity killed the cat. When we had it out, I forgot to ask him how long his EA went on for. I saw his EA spin dangerously out of control as my husband fault the affections of this crazed woman. Before he blocked her from his email account, she sent him over 100 emails in one day. We eventually left the guild we were in, but she still followed us everywhere we went.

Last night, I was scared. My physical well-being is in jeopardy by either an unknown pregnancy or I could have a cyst or possible PCOS. For one of the first times in my life, I let him cuddle with me and took strength in himself. I had to be strong for the longest time in my life. During this time, I calmly asked him how long it was, and it was the last question I was going to ask him about the entire EA. It's not a forbidden topic, far from it. I realize if I dwell on it, then I am allowing that to hurt me. I need simply to write, releasing my slight anger over it on the screen. I do not keep an actual journal. That is reserved for my writing. If I hold on to my anger, then I have not really forgiven him. I will not forget what happened, and I don't see why I should have to. We both hurt each other, causing agony to fester in each other souls'. He had forgiven me because everything I did was out in the open. He had longer time to gauge his emotions. Myself, I am healing faster than I should be. I can make love to him now without thinking of the words he said to her. Some of the things healed before, but there are some things that did not. 

What made me push his boundaries? Are humans compulsively selfish? I believe that humanity, and myself in particular, can have a streak of greed in them. There is no reason that I gutted his self-approved way of life. I was neglected, I was unloved, and I was confused. Those are all excuses. I did what I wanted to do. In doing so, in pushing past his guidelines to life, I had alienated the one person I should not have. In the same way, there is no excuse for his behavior. While my emotionless and cold attitude was a driving force in his EA, a person has choices. We both had agreed on that months ago.


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