# Would you be in a marriage where you knew you'd always be the main breadwinner?



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A question carried over from the other thread -- I'm not asking "would you marry a complete bum" or "would you marry someone who doesn't contribute anything to the marriage," but would you be ok with a marriage where the primary earning weight would always fall on your shoulders? E.g. a wife/husband who is helpful around the house and who maybe would work part-time or work in a low-paid job but would never have the potential to earn enough to be the main earner. 

I guessed in the other thread that some women would say yes, but more men than women would say yes.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If he didn't have the opportunity to have gotten an education and was in a low paying job and had a good work ethic that would be ok. If he chose part time when he could be working full time and he had no savings that would not be ok.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In my marriage, I made 90+% of our family income, and I was mostly ok with that. In my current relationship, I make about 3x my SO's income, and I like that idea more. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would in a heart beat. I have been a sole provider at times do to school or unemployment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

For me, it was the traditional "man" roll so it doesn't bother me. I knew I would be going in. 

It would be darn near impossible to even earn half of what I do without either forgoing children or taking the minimum 6 weeks maternity leave and jumping right back into the workforce. That's not the life I was looking for. I didn't want my children raised by hired help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I think most people marry a person for who the person is...not how much money they make...but then maybe I am from a different generation.


It may very well be a generational thing. Lifestyle, too. I have been working since I was sixteen and have always had a job, even when I was married. I prefer a man who has a job/career and earns money since it's how I am myself. I once dated a guy who did little jobs here and there and seemed bored out of his mind. He had a lot of time to chat whereas I was running from home to work to lectures (in school). This did not appeal to me at all and eventually the feelings I had for him faded over time. I hate to say it but I didn't respect him as a man. I think we get stuck in our ways.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

John Lee said:


> A question carried over from the other thread -- I'm not asking "would you marry a complete bum" or "would you marry someone who doesn't contribute anything to the marriage," but would you be ok with a marriage where the primary earning weight would always fall on your shoulders? E.g. a wife/husband who is helpful around the house and who maybe would work part-time or work in a low-paid job but would never have the potential to earn enough to be the main earner.
> 
> I guessed in the other thread that some women would say yes, but more men than women would say yes.


I'm comfortable being the breadwinner as long as he's doing his part to pull his weight in other areas. Unless he becomes disabled of course,at which point I would obviously expect less from him. 

Even if I wasn't with him I'd still have a mortgage and I'd still have basically the exact same bills that I have being with him. cable,gas/electric,phone,car insurance,mortgage,homeowners,property taxes,upkeep on the home,etc. 

The only expense he would add is making a higher grocery bill. So if I'm already providing those things before falling in love with him,why wouldn't I continue being ok with providing those things if he was unable to have an income like mine? 

Anything he made at that point would simply be a savings bonus. 

He doesn't get to be a lay about slug but he doesn't need to stress about being the only one bringing home the money either.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SB, I would like to ask you a few questions, but don't feel like you have to answer, okay? I am just curious because you have mentioned a few of these things before, and it has made me think.

Does being the primary breadwinner make a difference in how much respect you have for your dh? Or does your respect for him come from a non-material source?

For example, I can imagine a woman earning more money than a man, say if the man is in a helping profession, like a teacher or a minister. She might feel like the work he does is important, even if not well-remunerated by society.

If all of a sudden your husband made five times your salary, do you think you would see him differently? Do you think your relationship would change at all?

Again, I realize these are deep, personal questions, and you may not feel comfortable answering.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

jld said:


> SB, I would like to ask you a few questions, but don't feel like you have to answer, okay? I am just curious because you have mentioned a few of these things before, and it has made me think.
> 
> Does being the primary breadwinner make a difference in how much respect you have for your dh? Or does your respect for him come from a non-material source?It's non-material. My respect for people is earned in many ways that have nothing to do with money or social status.
> 
> ...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

It's all about how you prioritize and manage what you have. To me who makes more doesn't mean much as long as teh bill are paid and some money goes into savings. 

Unfortunately right now due to seasonal lows my wife makes about 3x what I do a month. That does not bother me. What bothers me is that despite me making 1/3 what she does I am the one paying the majority of the bills and trying to put money way. 

She has a hard time living paycheck to paycheck and has her credit card maxed out as well. 

I wont say what our jobs are but last year we made just short of $75K take home and we have zero money in our and her bank accounts.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I don't see how it would make much difference to me. I've always made about as much, if not more than the men I've been with. I can't imagine marriage would make that any different. What I couldn't tolerate would be a lie-about house husband who hung out and contemplated his navel all day. I work hard and I'm pretty ambitious, so I need to be with someone that understands that some days my job is 20 hours or more a day. Not most days, but that when there is a deadline, I stay til things are done. I couldn't deal with a clock watching, 8 and out, retirement countdown counter--he might as well stay at home and watch Dr. Phil, if that's his attitude.


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

This does bother me. This is one of the reasons why I'm divorced. I was going to end up being the main breadwinner for the rest of our life. In the end, I couldn't live with that.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> I don't see how it would make much difference to me. I've always made about as much, if not more than the men I've been with. I can't imagine marriage would make that any different. What I couldn't tolerate would be a lie-about house husband who hung out and contemplated his navel all day. I work hard and I'm pretty ambitious, so I need to be with someone that understands that some days my job is 20 hours or more a day. Not most days, but that when there is a deadline, I stay til things are done. I couldn't deal with a clock watching, 8 and out, retirement countdown counter--he might as well stay at home and watch Dr. Phil, if that's his attitude.


This is sort of off track of the thread, but I assume from this post you are not married, correct? Are you saying you would want a husband who is ambitious as you are? Do you want kids? If so, who do you imagine would be spending time with the kids if both of you worked hours like that?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My answer to this would be the same. 

It comes down to intention and motivation. Temporary scenarios aside (study, interim unemployment), the character traits I'd look for would equate to him holding his own / considering us as a couple - just as we both should. 

Is he working part-time because he can't be bothered working full-time? Is he earning less but trying his own business? Is he earning less but following a passion? Is there motivation and pride in what he does or is it settling and accepting without striving? Is it considerate to our goals as a couple?

The reality is that he does earn more than me - and he's stated that he'd rather have the finances than follow a dream that might be riskier financially (for the time-being at least), as he considers this to be his prime earning years and he wants to make the most of that.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would have married my husband no matter what. My top priority frankly, is that he is happy

If he would only be happy in a relationship where I supported us financially, while he worked part time/followed a passion/looked after our children then I would happily do that. As long as he was happy and loved and supported me emotionally that would be fine with me.

But as I said in the other thread, only for him. I would never have married anyone else anyway.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

John Lee said:


> This is sort of off track of the thread, but I assume from this post you are not married, correct? Are you saying you would want a husband who is ambitious as you are? Do you want kids? If so, who do you imagine would be spending time with the kids if both of you worked hours like that?


Nope, recently divorced and dating. My ex was a civil servant counting the hours until retirement and in the end, it was very offputting as I'm working hard to get ahead. I would absolutely want a husband that is as motivated and ambitious as I am. I think having that kind of support in your corner would make an unbeatable team. I am not a "kid person" so I really can't picture a scenario where there are children living in my home. I don't date men who have children at home or are still able to have kids, so for me kids are a nonstarter and a nonissue.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

I would have stayed in my current marriage and actually be very happy if it wasn't for his infidelity. No question about that.

The odds that I'll be the main breadwinner, if I ever decide to get married again, are exactly 99%. I'm quite realistic about it and perfectly fine with it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I guess my answer is yes. 

For us, much of this depends on who you fall in love with. I could have fallen in love with a career woman and life would have been totally different. 

I also might not have been so fortunate to have a successful business. I could have tanked and my wife could have had to go to work. Life circumstances are not always predictable. 

Get married for love. Get married to someone with integrity. Who makes what will work out for itself.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Currently, I am the only one with income. I have no problem with this at all. My husband is trying to get disability, or to get well enough that his doctors will release him to work. Right now, he wouldn't be able to function well, at all, in any position. And I cannot imagine NOT respecting my husband, just because I happen to have more money coming in than he does.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’ve been the breadwinner for a long time, not my choice. It just happened that way.

In my previous marriage we both started out working and earning the same. Then one day he quite and announced that he was going to medical school. So I supported us while he was in medical school and residency. The month he finished residency he asked for a divorce.

Then I was single for a while with my son living with me most of the time.

I then remarried to a guy in 2000 who earned about 25% more than I did. He worked for 2 years and then his company had a huge layoff… and he was cut. That was in 2002.

He and his two children had moved in with me and my son when we married. I supped him and his children until his children were grown.

He never worked after that… never really job hunted either. Just played computer games all day, surfed the web and ignored me and his children.

I divorced him in 2012 after his kids were out of the house.

So would I consider being the sole bread winner? I would consider doing it out of choice if, and only if, the other person took on all the household and yard chores. If I work 8-10 hours a day, they need to as well.

Of course anything left over around the house/yard/etc after he did a good days effort we’d split. But the non-earner needs to take the major responsibility for home/yard/etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I don't see how it would make much difference to me. I've always made about as much, if not more than the men I've been with. I can't imagine marriage would make that any different. What I couldn't tolerate would be a lie-about house husband who hung out and contemplated his navel all day. I work hard and I'm pretty ambitious, so I need to be with someone that understands that some days my job is 20 hours or more a day. Not most days, but that when there is a deadline, I stay til things are done. I couldn't deal with a clock watching, 8 and out, retirement countdown counter--he might as well stay at home and watch Dr. Phil, if that's his attitude.





John Lee said:


> This is sort of off track of the thread, but I assume from this post you are not married, correct? Are you saying you would want a husband who is ambitious as you are? Do you want kids? If so, who do you imagine would be spending time with the kids if both of you worked hours like that?


COGypsy did not use the word ambitious. I think if you take what she described it’s more that she wants a man who is “motivated”.

She is also talking about a guy who understands that she has to work long hours sometimes and that he would not be upset, make her life difficult, etc when she has to do this.

A person who is not working can still be very motivated to take care of their family, children and household. They can even be ambitious in that effort in that they put in more than the minimum effort. Perhaps this person would even do volunteer work as a form of expressing ambition and motivation.

For example I know SAH parents who have a clean and well cared for home, handle all the finances, take care of their children in a manner that goes way beyond just feeding them and sending them to school. Then they are also work with a charity or two, even serving on the board. And they do this all the while being sensitive to the sole breadwinner spouse who has to work long hours.

I think this is the kind of husband that COGypsy is talking about.

Ambition and motivation have little to do with making money. They have to do with a person’s outlook on all thinks in their life.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Ambition and motivation have little to do with making money. They have to do with a person’s outlook on all thinks in their life.


Agreed!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

John Lee said:


> A question carried over from the other thread -- I'm not asking "would you marry a complete bum" or "would you marry someone who doesn't contribute anything to the marriage," but would you be ok with a marriage where the primary earning weight would always fall on your shoulders? E.g. a wife/husband who is helpful around the house and who maybe would work part-time or work in a low-paid job but would never have the potential to earn enough to be the main earner.
> 
> I guessed in the other thread that some women would say yes, but more men than women would say yes.


I knew when I married my wife that her income would always be less than mine. We both worked then and we both work now. Sometimes I have to remind her that she has a voice in where we spend our money. She seems to think since I make more than I have more say in it.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I have always been either the sole or at least the main earner in our household and my wife has been the main / primary care giver for our children.

I do however look forward to the point that I will be able to retire whilst my wife continues to work if she wishes to do so (because of the age gap I get my pension 8 years before she gets hers). Having said that if nothing dramatic changes my final pension will be 2/3 of my final earnings so that is still likely to be more than my wife earns.

IMHO it should not matter who earns what as long as you both "do a fare share", housework, childcare, cooking, shopping, DIY are as important to most families as earning a wage.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

I was already retired when I met my soul mate. Was actually searching for another retiree but they were hard to come by in my age range. My fiancée works a physically demanding government job and is counting down his days till retirement.

I recently came out of retirement as was offered a full time government job in a field I loved and I was actively volunteering time there anyway. I entered at the bottom of the pay scale, so wage wise he makes more than me now. 

We are marrying very soon and our finances from then on will be co-mingled. Investments and properties I had before our marriage will go to my children only.

If we add my pension into the mix I will always be the higher breadwinner, it doesn't bother me. I can make our lives much more comfortable and we will have a VERY comfortable retirement between his and mine. He takes care of everything else. He fixes everything, is helpful around the house now that I am working again. I find dinner on the table when I get home as my job finishes later. (He does admittedly need to work on his repertoire  ). I sleep through the night like a babe in his arms, no bad dreams. I truly think I got the better deal. Money can't buy you love, respect, trust nor warm companionship. Oh and the sex and the physical and emotional intimacy. I think I could go on and on.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm comfortable being the breadwinner as long as he's doing his part to pull his weight in other areas. Unless he becomes disabled of course,at which point I would obviously expect less from him.
> 
> Even if I wasn't with him I'd still have a mortgage and I'd still have basically the exact same bills that I have being with him. cable,gas/electric,phone,car insurance,mortgage,homeowners,property taxes,upkeep on the home,etc.
> 
> ...


Before I got laid off, i was making over double what my ex was. I also never minded being the primary breadwinner as long as she was willing to contribute proportionally (which didn't happen, but that's a different story).

What's not okay is for a person to not work and also not run the home or make some other major contribution. What's also not okay is for one person to work yet not contribute; that whole "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" thing doesn't pass muster.

I still expected my ex to pay for a big chunk of the bills around the home. Because, the truth is living nicely is expensive. It is so much so that making 2x or even 3x as much as your spouse does not make up for being saddled with all the bills. Unless there is a huge earnings gap (like 5x or more) and I can afford to support two people in a decent manner by myself, I will expect any future partner to contribute financially to the home in line with what she makes and can afford.

I disagree that your expenses don't go up much when you add a person to your household. Sure you still have to have a place to live, but that place probably can be smaller if you are alone. More importantly, you have to pay double for all the niceties of life. You'd have to pay for two cars, for example (unless he's content riding the bus or staying home). You have to pay double every time you go to any form of entertainment. Unless you keep to a very basic lifestyle, having two is much more expensive (and I think most of us strive to have some of that nice stuff in our lives).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I don't date men who have children at home *or are still able to have kids.*


I don't get the bolded part. Guys don't have menopause and stop being fertile and can father kids as senior citizens even (although I know that sperm are less viable as men age).

Curious to see what you mean by "not able to have kids". I know having the "v" is common, but it's not that common.


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## Unhappywife19 (Feb 7, 2014)

I am currently the primary breadwinner in my marriage. My husband works an average of 60 to 70 hours a week in order to make half of my salary. Since he has one full time and two part time jobs, he always says things like "you know the hours fluctuate" and he does not come home with all of his earnings. On the other hand 90 % of my salary is being used in the house. No, I will not stay in a marriage like this, the expenses are not fairly divided.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DTO said:


> I don't get the bolded part. Guys don't have menopause and stop being fertile and can father kids as senior citizens even (although I know that sperm are less viable as men age).
> 
> 
> 
> Curious to see what you mean by "not able to have kids". I know having the "v" is common, but it's not that common.



Actually, among the guys I've dated, more have the "v" than not. I date guys in their late 30's, early 40's. Most guys I know don't want to get caught with a kid anymore than I do and have taken appropriate measures. My personal philosophy is "take no chances" so I insist on two kinds of birth control. I have my side covered. A guy either has a "v" or has to be willing to use condoms always. Thus, I tend to weed my relationships out to find the guys that are snipped. It's actually harder to find child free guys than guys that haven't been snipped.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so I am really curious... and please forgive my ignorance...

when a man gets a V, what exactly happens? Does it effect his orgasms at all? Is it not the same after that (his ability to O/come)?

Are there any adverse effects to his penis or his sex life? 

Enlighten me.



COGypsy said:


> It's actually harder to find child free guys than guys that haven't been snipped.


Interesting.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's essentially the male version of getting tubes tied. While lots of horror stories are out there, adverse effects from the procedure are pretty low. It's the same as before, but with no swimmers in the ejaculate.


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## Tmj4477 (May 3, 2014)

Only if he was happy and ambitious about his career (note I used the word career and not job)


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> It's essentially the male version of getting tubes tied. While lots of horror stories are out there, adverse effects from the procedure are pretty low. It's the same as before, but with no swimmers in the ejaculate.


Actually, there is some debate as to how low the rate of complication is. Also, you won't care about the rate if it happens to you.

On the other hand, the problems that do occur tend to clear up over time.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so I am really curious... and please forgive my ignorance...
> 
> when a man gets a V, what exactly happens? Does it effect his orgasms at all? Is it not the same after that (his ability to O/come)?
> 
> ...


My ex husband had a vasectomy. It was easy for him. Did it on a Friday and was back to work that monday. He sat w/an ice bag on his balls for the weekend and took lots of good pain meds.

He had some bruising but otherwise nothing serious. It didn't mess up his drive or his ability to get it up.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so I am really curious... and please forgive my ignorance...
> 
> when a man gets a V, what exactly happens? Does it effect his orgasms at all? Is it not the same after that (his ability to O/come)?
> 
> ...







No effect on ability to ejaculate.



Theoretically, only small decrease in volume of ejaculate (10% ?), as most comes from the prostate which is not "disconnected".



At first, I *felt* a difference -- like the pulsations were not as deep or effective. That was worrisome for a few months. Not sure if that was all in my head. Not sure if that "healed" or I just forgot about it, but it does not bother me now.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I don't mind being the main breadwinner, but since I have been that while my wife has gone to school and racked up school loans, I very much expect her to contribute financially now. And now that I have had health issues, the pressure is on for her to find work even more so.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Yes, I would remain in a marriage where I will always be the main breadwinner. I have been the main breadwinner for the past 25 years. My husband is self-employed and pulls his weight in income and around the house. He also sent me through my masters and doctorate degrees. We are a partnership and it doesn't matter to us who brings the most income. What matters is that we are in good financial ground, we love and respect each other, and have a good night's sleep.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Apparently.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I believe part of our problems in society are due to the dual income families. I may be too much of a traditionalist, but I am all for the single income family. Yeah, it may be risky due to health issues or job insecurity. But, as long as it is possible, I am honored to be the provider for my family.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

If both partners are working equally hard (regardless of income) and both are spending equally and in line with family spending and savings goals then no problem. 

I would only have a problem if one person was slacking off (not pulling their weight either workwise or on the homefront) or overspending and not in line with family goals. Been there, done that but now recovering.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are in a relationship, there's always the possibility that you're going to end up being the main (and maybe sole) bread winner. You might end up being the only sane person in the equation or the only one mobile or the only one not incarcerated or in a coma. If you aren't willing to carry every load by yourself for the rest of your life, don't get married.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

NO. I have no desire to work long hours as there are so many other things I enjoy doing.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I've always had a job and I was always the main breadwinner. I don't mind if the other person brings something to the table too. Rather than sucking you dry like a big fat leech


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> I've always had a job and I was always the main breadwinner. I don't mind if the other person brings something to the table too. Rather than sucking you dry like a big fat leech


there goes my retirement plan of dumping the wife and moving in with Dolly


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Well if you bring your tunnel fudge cake to the table I might change my mind


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I would be OK with it as long as he contributed in lots of other ways, too. As others have said, he should pull his weight and work full time, even if it's half time at his own business and the other half promoting his business and working on things around the house.

For most of my marriage I've been either an equal provider or on many occasions a bigger provider. I worked while he was in school, then there was a time he opened a business that was going very well and I worked 'for' him. His endeavors usually meant bigger checks but at very random times while mine was less if you broke it down by the hour, but more predictable. And of course for the past 10 years aside from his child support, I've been the sole provider.

All of that being said, I'm traditional enough that I would LOVE to have someone bear that burden for a change. It would be nice to have someone take care of me. And if I didn't have to work, I'd do my best to 'earn' my share of our life together by cooking every night, taking care of the house, laundry, etc. - I do it all now AND work so if I didn't have to work I'd be able to spend a lot of time with him. I'd love to take care of someone else and let them take care of me.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I was happy enough being the primary breadwinner when my ex contributed to the marriage in different ways. The incomes don't have to match as long as the dedication and effort do. When it became one-sided and I found out that my ex was cheating on me, that was a different story!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is this a good spot to post my seeking a sugar momma ad?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Would you be in a marriage where you knew you'd always be the main breadwinne*



Almostrecovered said:


> is this a good spot to post my seeking a sugar momma ad?


Only if I can post mine seeking a sugar daddy.


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## od82 (Sep 7, 2014)

I have been married 7 years and I have been the only provider. 

We are currently experiencing problems because I think she is unable to discharge her part of the teamwork, which is raising kids and keeping the home. 

I have tried by trying to help more, but end up getting overloaded and resentful. 

I also feel under-appreciated for being the sole provider. But I have a strong conviction that our bond is strong underneath it all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband is old fashioned minded, he believes the man's purpose is foremost to protect and Provide for his family...being the primary breadwinner.. I have always worked side jobs since we married...there was a time I was working too much..he'd get home, I'd kiss him & off I went...he'd complain I wasn't home enough -he has referred to those younger yrs saying I was a workaholic back then...he didn't feel we needed the extra $$... (we were saving for a country home at that time , I wanted a whopping down payment- which we did manage)....

He's always told me he prefers that I stay home with the children.. though he's very easy to get along with.. and allows me free reign to pursue whatever makes me happy....I can not express how much I appreciate His attitude throughout every stage of our marriage...as a wife and as a Mother.. he has never treated me as "lessor"...and every decision he has wanted my input.. so we go forth together.

I am very frugal with what he earns to support our larger family (tighter than him even) so he has never worried about me taking advantage or overspending, I can not stand to be in debt of any kind.... I am probably more of a "watch dog" that we live within our means..if anything..and this he does not mind.


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

od82 said:


> I have been married 7 years and I have been the only provider.
> 
> We are currently experiencing problems because I think she is unable to discharge her part of the teamwork, which is raising kids and keeping the home.
> 
> ...


Keep telling yourself that. "we argue all the time, but we have a strong foundation." :redcard:

I am the sole provider and have a job that isn't sustainable. My wife doesn't understand that and just keeps going on like no big deal..


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