# How should I approach this?



## hurting79 (Dec 21, 2010)

Words cannot express how difficult it is for me to type this post, and I apologize now for its length. However, context is needed before any of it makes any sense. I guess you could say I am getting what I deserve, I know we all deserve death and that is what makes Christ so wonderful, but I am referring to what I have sewn. The old saying, “You sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind” has never rang more true to me. I’ll be honest with you; I am an absolute wreck and can blame no one but myself. 

About a year ago, I had an emotional affair on my wife of 7 years. We have two beautiful children together and to this day hate myself for what I have done. It all started when I ran into an old high school girlfriend on Facebook (I have since deleted my Facebook account) We started chatting innocently enough (at least as it appeared); while things at home were getting kind of hum drum and worst of all I was feeling very spiritually empty. During the time from of Oct 2009-Dec 2009 I turned my back on everyone (God, my wife and my kids). I was totally consumed with talking to this girl on the Internet that was at the time the only thing I thought that was bringing me joy and release. I quit the Praise Team in our church and even stopped going to church all together. This went on until December 2009 (FYI, no sexual talk or talk of running away together ever occurred). However, when my wife found out about it, she was devastated. Not to mention that the way I handled the confrontation was completely the wrong way to go about it. I tried everything in my power to spare her any details and lied about the mild flirtations that occurred (no sex talk). However, the details I was trying to keep from her slowly came out a little at a time. I just wanted this to go away as quickly as possible. Through this experience God has opened my eyes to my sin and has shown me how much I really need Him. I am utterly and genuinely shattered over the betrayal to my wife and kids and want nothing more than to restore our marriage and NEVER do this EVER again.

Needless to say, she didn’t believe I had told her everything about the emotional affair (Even though I have 110%), did not trust me and said that she is was longer in love with me. I am broken over my sin. I have repented publicly in the church, on my face at the altar crying out to God for forgiveness, I have repented privately on my face to God in my prayer closet and I have repented profusely to my wife, who says she wants to forgive me she just doesn't know how, because she still doesn't believe that is all there was. So from January 2010 - Nov 2010, things were up and down She still stated that she wasn't in love with me and that the kids was the only reason I was still around. During this time I actively pursued God and the Scriptures and prayed fervently that God would make me the Husband, Father and Man that he wanted me to be and that He would heal our marriage. Well, in November my wife wanted to separate for the weekend and make her decision as to whether or not she wanted to be with me. This was the most grueling weekend of my life, however, I spent a lot of time in prayer and when the weekend was over she wanted to try again. From mid Nov. until recently things were going well, I am continuing my pursuit of God's will for me, reading books and making notes about everything I can to make myself a better husband. Then it happened....

Last Sunday night I attempted to initiate sex with her (keep in mind that this worked 2 weeks prior. However, she had no interest and I kept pestering her about it. Well, this caused everything to blow up. You see, this has always been an issue with us, I want to she doesn't (well not nearly as much). Now we are back to square one, because one night I was in the flesh and didn't consider her needs. To make things worse, when we were arguing about it the next day, I made a comment about all of the things I was doing that was in her "Love Language" (Acts of Service) and she took that to mean that I was implying she wasn't doing anything for mine (Physical Touch). She made a comment about "kisses in passing" (before going to work, coming home, etc.) and I didn't attach high enough value to that and apparently she was working very hard on just that. This was my mistake for not recognizing this and undermining what she was working on. Now she feels like I took everything she is trying to do on top of what I have already done and have thrown it in her face. This is not the case I want nothing more than to make her happy, and have explained that I made a mistake, While I have been focusing on being a better husband in other areas, I failed to see this Character Flaw and now that I see it I will devote myself to prayer and hard work to resolve it. However, in her mind as she has already expressed vocally, “I don't get to keep making these mistakes."

Today on the phone I tried to talk to her, but it just ended up with her yelling at me and bringing up what I had done in the past and what just happened. She said she has been praying too and that maybe God was telling her she shouldn't be with me. Too which I replied that couldn't be, because of the high esteem that God holds marriage; especially when one of those involved is repentant and wants to change behavior. However, when this comes up she gets even angrier, because I am trying to "preach" to her she says. 

So this is where we are now. She said she is only willing to commit to living like roommates and nothing more for the time being. She said she will be civil, but does not want to talk about anything related to our marriage, doesn't want me to call her throughout the day, nor even say I Love You. So, I inquired if this meant this is how it was now and that we will see if it leads further, to which she just yelled and said "See you are trying to define it and control it. Stop trying to define it!!!" I want this to work more than anything, she doesn't believe that I won't hurt her again and tells me that I don’t get to find more character flaws to grow and work on. She doesn't want to hear that maybe God is refining our marriage instead of telling her to leave. She refuses to go to counseling and when I try to talk to her about it, no matter how civil, or if I just say I will listen and not say anything she gets even angrier and says that I am still thinking about what I want and not her. I am not thinking of myself; intentionally anyway. I just don't think this marriage will fix itself. 

I don't know how to proceed, except to pray, which I will continue to do fervently. I have done some pretty foul stuff and been a pretty selfish at times over the course of our marriage. Although, as a pattern I have been a good husband, up until the last year. However, I love her and want to eliminate that behavior, but I can't even try to work on it with her. I hate that I messed it up again, and am praying that God will not let me get myself in that rut ever again, that is if there is an ever again.

Somebody, please offer me some guidance or at least pray for me. If you have any insight I am very eager to hear it. I apologize for lengthiness or grammatical errors. I just wanted to get this out there so someone might be able to offer some insight.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

In her eyes, you have already broken the marriage and she is figuring out what to do with the pieces of her life. She is likely not going to turn to the person who broke it for advice on how to fix it. This needs to be done at her pace. It is her place to forgive you - if she chooses to - and you need to accept that.

I wish you luck. She is still with you and while she is with you, there is hope. Best to stop trying to fix your marriage and start trying to fix the hole within yourself that caused the EA in the first place. 

Be the bigger man. Work on yourself. Show her the things you have learned about your flaws and what you are doing about them. Do not do it for her, do it for you. Let her dictate what the end game of all this is, listen, and if you want to pursue the marriage and it's something you are willing to do - DO IT. It will put the best light on yourself going forward and regardless of how things turn out, you will be a better person because of it. Good luck.


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