# Boyfriend does not seem interested in sex anymore



## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

Hi all,

Hope you are well.
I was hoping to get some advice on my current situation regarding my boyfriend of nearly three years.

We recently moved in, about two months ago, and all seems pretty splendid and going well. However, in the last few weeks or so, I have noticed that he never seems to want to initiate sex with me.

When we first moved in, we had sex pretty regularly, but now it has faded away to perhaps once a week.

Last week, I got really upset because we did not have sex, or do anything sexual, in nearly a week. I got even more upset when he told me that after I had left to pick up a dress at my parents' house for his friend's upcoming wedding, he masturbated to porn.

Now, that would not normally bother me in the slightest but this time it hurt me a little because we had not even touched or looked at each other like that in nearly a week.

We spoke to each other about it and he asked if I could initiate sex a bit more as me coming in my pyjamas is not exactly a turn-on for him. I let him know that playing games on his phone at night, whilst sitting away from me, and in bed while having his back to me too, did not make me feel in the mood either. We agreed that we both needed to work on some stuff. He also said that not having sex in a week is not a bad thing.

He said he still loved me and found me sexy and attractive. Which I guess helped a little bit, but I was still worried that the didn't find me attractive anymore.

He also mentioned that I had some sexy lingerie, but don't really wear it all the time. I do have some but really not a lot. I don't always want to use it to get us to have sex - it takes the meaning away behind it for special occasions or as surprises. It also puts a lot of pressure on me to constantly dress sexy to have sex.

I don't mind doing it every so often, but perhaps not every other day.

The last few times, I have taken what he said into consideration and initiated it. Now, we are looking at four days with no sex because I wanted to see if it would spur us back into the swing of things, he doesn't seem interested, and I feel like I am back to square one.

I am worried that he genuinely does not find me attractive in that way anymore and I am always worried that he will not initiate it again and it will be down to me all the time.

We used to only see each other over the weekend, and have sex then. I thought we would perhaps have it a little bit more, not expecting every day but our sex life is great and always has been.

I am not sure if it matters, but I am 23 and he is 27.

Am I over worrying or is there something I should be concerned about?

Any help is greatly appreciated.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> is there something I should be concerned about?



Your "boyfriend" now that he feels settled with a woman has dropped the pretenses because he feels secure now. He's already getting "lazy" in so short period of time, so this a serious "red flag". He's now showing you who he really is. normally as time passes, you'll see more and more of that.

You must remember that being boyfriend and girlfriend is a stage to determine if the relationship is compatible for you both. You are in the process of determining if you can move forward with this relationship. You can not just stay and try to fix things that in many instances are not fixable, because once humans pass their mid twenties, normally they are set in their ways. Not that is impossible to change a bad pattern, but you're starting against the current, and that's no way to start a cohabitating relationship.

Moreover, his "dress sexy" to get him in the mood is nothing but BS to hide that he's getting lazy, and using porn to get off rather than having to go through the actual sex act. Big red flag here, at this age. I'm 70, and I don't need to see my wife in some sexy underwear in order for me to get excited, just a little show of flesh is sufficient enough for me to "wag my tail" 😛, so you need to make yourself clear with no room for misinterpretations as to what your expectations are in all aspects of the relationship. if he continues, then you have your answer, and please, please, do not waste any more time of your precious life with him if he doesn't get his crap together. You are too young to already be having sexual intimacy problems. Live and learn but don't make it at your own expense.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

he is 27 or did i get that the wrong way round , 
is there any chance he has another woman 
like he is not that long moved in with you to be slowing down 
at his age he should be able have sex a few times a day , 
the idea of dress up sexy that is just crap , got I know people that work together and have sex at the work place ,


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How many times have you initiated sex since you moved in together?

Maybe this is my bias showing, but it sounds like you don't want to initiate, and instead expect him to do so. If I am right on this, doesn't this seem not only unrealistic, but also blaming him for your own lack of contribution? When combined with your resentment over the turning away to phones in bed, it sounds like you are standing still and expecting him to solve (or mostly solve) this problem. Am I misreading that?

His porn use could potentially be a problem, for sure. That one definitely needs to be addressed. 

Lastly, regarding the pajamas: you don't have to necessarily dress up. Just simply go into the bathroom, change into naughty panties and nothing else, come into the bedroom and tell him you want him to ravage you. I am fairly certain he won't be too concerned about what you aren't wearing.

What I am mostly getting at is you have a choice here: nurse your resentment, or invest that energy into being proactive with your sex life. 

I hope you find a solution. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Your "boyfriend" now that he feels settle with a woman has dropped the pretenses because he feels secure now. He's already getting "lazy" in so short period of time, so this a serious "red flag". He's now showing you who he really are. normally as time passes, you'll see more and more of that.
> 
> You must remember that being boyfriend and girlfriend is a stage to determine if the relationship is compatible for you both. You are in the process of determining if you can move forward with this relationship. You can not just stay and try to fix things that in many instances are not fixable, because once humans pass their mid twenties, normally they are set in their ways. Not that is impossible to change a bad pattern, but you're starting against the current, and that's no way to start a cohabitating relationship.
> 
> Moreover, his "dress sexy" to get him in the mood is nothing but BS to hide that he's getting lazy, and using porn to get off rather than having to go through the actual sex act. Big red flag here, at this age. I'm 70, and I don't need to see my wife in some sexy underwear in order for me to get excited, just a little show of flesh is sufficient enough for me to "wag my tail" 😛, so you need to make yourself clear with no room for misinterpretations as to what your expectations are in all aspects of the relationship. if he continues, then you have your answer, and please, please, do not waste any more time of your precious life with him if he doesn't get his crap together. You are too young to already be having sexual intimacy problems. Live and learn but don't make it at your own expense.


Hi there,

Thank you so much for messaging me. 

You are right about the dress sexy. I was worried I was coming across as selfish for not always wanting to dress up for him. I shouldn't have to. I am in relatively great shape, workout and do pole dancing. 

I am not super thin, but healthy, toned weight. 
I mentioned that the dressing sexy thing is too much pressure for me and he understood, he said it was more just a suggestion here and there. 

He did say his sex drive can drop sometimes, but having sex once a week at that young of an age seems a bit odd and that is only when he pushes for it. Other than that, it is down to me or we don't do it at all.


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> How many times have you initiated sex since you moved in together?
> 
> Maybe this is my bias showing, but it sounds like you don't want to initiate, and instead expect him to do so. If I am right on this, doesn't this seem not only unrealistic, but also blaming him for your own lack of contribution? When combined with your resentment over the turning away to phones in bed, it sounds like you are standing still and expecting him to solve (or mostly solve) this problem. Am I misreading that?
> 
> ...


Hi there,

Since moving in, I have initiated it quite a few times. 

I have even encouraging him to come into the shower with me. 
In the last week, I have initiated it four times. 
I am more than happy to do my fair share, but unless he _really_ wants to do it, but does not seem bothered and we can go a full week with no sex or just having doing so once. 

It is an equal thing. 

As for the turning away in bed, it was him turning away in bed, playing a game on his phone that he had been at all day since he came home from work. Even when I was cleaning the house after coming home from work and the gym. 

I asked him to cuddle up beside me to watch a movie together, and he told me not right now. He never bothered to come beside me as we had not seen each other all day and he sat away from me the last few days playing on his phone. 

He then went to bed and went straight on his phone and continued playing his game.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> Hi there,
> 
> Since moving in, I have initiated it quite a few times.
> 
> ...


Thank you for taking my potential criticism in stride. 

It sounds like you are doing more than enough. Maybe it is time for you to do less.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

He's a boyfriend. If he's lost interest in you, you're not obligated to stay and live with it, you can go. It is awfully early in the relationship for him to have lost interest in you, especially as young as you are. The "pick me" dance isn't going to make you more attractive and eventually you'll resent being forced to jump through hoops to get attention. At this point, you could easily find someone whose drive is more in line with yours and who is really into you.


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Thank you for taking my potential criticism in stride.
> 
> It sounds like you are doing more than enough. Maybe it is time for you to do less.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Hi, 

Of course, no worries. 

I am more than happy to put my hands up and say I am in the wrong.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ah, you are the lady whose boyfriend likes spending more time with his friends than with you. I see your relationship is getting better... not!


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Ah, you are the lady whose boyfriend likes spending more time with his friends than with you. I see your relationship is getting better... not!


Yeah. 
Although, had a chat about that and that seems to significantly better.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> Yeah.
> Although, had a chat about that and that seems to significantly better.



Well, sorry to disagreed in this point, because it seems that although he may not be spending as much time with his friends, by the same token, he's actually spending little time with you. He's physically there with you, but he's not really there if I'm making myself clear to you. In other words, you still have the same problem, that of he not choosing to be with you. He's just rather there, around you. That's the picture I'm getting.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’d say if it doesn’t improve, you might want to rethink marriage with him (if you’re thinking in that direction at all.)

If you read different threads on here where sex is the main problem, it seems to be when one or the other spouse became complacent and got lazy, or affairs were going on. Don’t ignore red flags - read through some threads and see that those who did, hoping it would somehow get better after marriage, regretted it. Hope things improve for you one way or the other.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> Yeah.
> Although, had a chat about that and that seems to significantly better.


But he is spending more time with his phone than with you now.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Let’s cut to the chase. Any man that prefers to masturbate rather than have sex with his twenty three year old girlfriend has a serious problem.
You should ask him what type of porn he’s jacking off to.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> I'm 70, and I don't need to see my wife in some sexy underwear in order for me to get excited,


I tease wife that feeling her breasts pushing against me through her pajamas always gets my motor running.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Welcome to the natural course of any long term relationship.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

jjj858 said:


> Welcome to the natural course of any long term relationship.


I guess you missed the part where they have been in a relationship for about 3 years, and only two months since they moved in together. At 23 and 27 they should be going at it like rabbits still.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You don't have to wear the sexy stuff all the time but now you know it's a signal to him. It's good the you are initiating but if you haven't had sex in a few days, ditch the PJs & put on something sexier. Maybe save the really sexy stuff for the surprise, special occasion times Try something like a spaghetti strap nightie for the regular weekday sex. 
Joyaria Womens Lightweight Nightgown Nighties Night/Sleep/Lounge Gown/Dress(Blue,Medium) at Amazon Women’s Clothing store 

If you light a candle or rub his leg, should put the phone down. Unless one of you has a job where you have to be on call, maybe make a new rule no cell phones in the bedroom. The UV lights from the phone have been shown to be disruptive to sleep too. 

Also point blank tell him that while you are not all that upset about porn in general it really hurts your feelings & undermines your relationship when he declines sex with you - -a living breathing willing woman who is right there -- in favor of porn & masturbation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's his porn use. He is lukewarm about having sex with you unless you try to look like a porn actress. This is not a keeper.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's his porn use. He is lukewarm about having sex with you unless you try to look like a porn actress. This is not a keeper.


If now, at 23, you are losing the competition with porn stars, it's only smart to walk away. At your age you can arguably compete with them. When you are 33, 43, 53... you cannot. I know there are a lot of very attractive older women, but to say that they can hold their husband's attention against a 22 year old sex professional is simply not the truth. So if he's neglecting you NOW, you can turn yourself into a porn star NOW, you can debase yourself, humiliate yourself, get surgery and twist and turn yourself into a knot, but eventually time will pass. If this is who he is, this is who he IS. You cannot change him, and that's not your job anyway. It's a short relationship. Get out before you waste any more time on it.


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's his porn use. He is lukewarm about having sex with you unless you try to look like a porn actress. This is not a keeper.


I don't think he actively watched porn. I work from home and when he is home, I am too. 
Never seen him watch or heard him.


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Let’s cut to the chase. Any man that prefers to masturbate rather than have sex with his twenty three year old girlfriend has a serious problem.
> You should ask him what type of porn he’s jacking off to.


I think that it would have been nice for him to hold it back, even a little, until I got back. 

I spoke to him about that and he said that he woke from nap, felt a bit horny and watched porn to relieve himself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> I think that it would have been nice for him to hold it back, even a little, until I got back.
> 
> I spoke to him about that and he said that he woke from nap, felt a bit horny and watched porn to relieve himself.


Yes, I heard that before. I think your boyfriend lacks imagination 😊


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> I think that it would have been nice for him to hold it back, even a little, until I got back.
> 
> I spoke to him about that and he said that he woke from nap, felt a bit horny and watched porn to relieve himself.


So he couldn't await return of his GF who he knows wants it way more often than he is providing.

He is a “BF”. Sure sounds like he isnt cutting mustard in the sex department. So what is so wonderful about him that you choose to waste any more time with him?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's his porn use. He is lukewarm about having sex with you unless you try to look like a porn actress. This is not a keeper.


This is one of those situations in life that I will never truly understand. I try to put myself in the shoes of these men and see what they see. I really, really do….. and I can’t see it. I understand porn use, but I’ll never understand choosing it over the real thing. So many men would dream of a willing woman partner wanting sex as much as they do….. and yet, women come here and why their men don’t want to have sex.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> I think that it would have been nice for him to hold it back, even a little, until I got back.
> 
> I spoke to him about that and he said that he woke from nap, felt a bit horny and watched porn to relieve himself.


At your ages, he should have had plenty in the tank when you got home even if he used porn while you were gone. 27?

im 42 and would have no issues going 2-3 times in a day.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> I don't think he actively watched porn. I work from home and when he is home, I am too.
> Never seen him watch or heard him.


You already said he does. He waits till you're not around. He could be doing it in the car or anywhere.


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## AlyssaDrysdale (8 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So he couldn't await return of his GF who he knows wants it way more often than he is providing.
> 
> He is a “BF”. Sure sounds like he isnt cutting mustard in the sex department. So what is so wonderful about him that you choose to waste any more time with him?


I honestly thought that being young, guys could only dream of wanting a girl that wants to have nothing but sex, haha


DownByTheRiver said:


> You already said he does. He waits till you're not around. He could be doing it in the car or anywhere.


Perhaps so. 
But unless I ask him, I won't know. 
I think the fact he told me, was a bit of an unfair thing to do considering the situation.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You already said he does. He waits till you're not around. He could be doing it in the car or anywhere.


Agreed.

what stops him from going into the bathroom with his phone or a tablet?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> I honestly thought that being young, guys could only dream of wanting a girl that wants to have nothing but sex, haha


For most men, the answer is yes.

somehow…. Someway…. The women that want lots of sex find the few men that don’t. It is truly mind boggling.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> I honestly thought that being young, guys could only dream of wanting a girl that wants to have nothing but sex, haha


You somehow managed to pick the exception. A unicorn. The next 9 or 99 you date will make up for time you have wasted with the unicorn.

Figure out what flawed judgement caused you to move in with a guy who would rather wack off than be with a hot and horny woman.

Again, what makes him Mr Wonderful for you that you are still living with him? It isn;t the sex, so does he have a lot of money or what?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> For most men, the answer is yes.
> 
> somehow…. Someway…. The women that want lots of sex find the few men that don’t. It is truly mind boggling.


And according to these forums, The men who want lots of sex ( a vast majority ) find the few women that don't. Need to come up with an APP to pair the ones who don't with their opposite gender to clear the field for the majority who do


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> And according to these forums, The men who want lots of sex ( a vast majority ) find the few women that don't. Need to come up with an APP to pair the ones who don't with their opposite gender to clear the field for the majority who do


I’ve wondered about dating apps that might start getting more specific like that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I’ve wondered about dating apps that might start getting more specific like that.


Problem is people of both genders lie like rugs. So it would have to be based on something they can't lie about that is a key indicator for their ACTUAL libido. We all know the stories from people whose bride ( or groom ) was active as a rabbit in heat until the ring was on the finger. So the APP would have to use inputs that can't be faked. Maybe a hormone panel ?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Problem is people of both genders lie like rugs. So it would have to be based on something they can't lie about that is a key indicator for their ACTUAL libido. We all know the stories from people whose bride ( or groom ) was active as a rabbit in heat until the ring was on the finger. So the APP would have to use inputs that can't be faked. Maybe a hormone panel ?


I can't imagine what kind of person would go along with that.

I personally think the OP is lucky. She found out now, early on, that he's not into her. Plenty early enough for her to excuse herself and go find someone who likes her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> Hi there,
> 
> Since moving in, I have initiated it quite a few times.
> 
> ...


You may not be sexually compatible. 

I think sex it a two way street in the sense that I don't think men or women should ever stop trying to seduce the other, especially if you have been together a long time. The truth is after a while it may take more then just seeing someone naked to get turned on. You have to be active and creative, but this post sure sounds like are trying and more then willing.

I also think it's may be a red flag that you are not comfortable enough to dress sexy in front of him, it may be a sign that you are not confident in his attraction to you. The reason may be your insecurities which in that case you can work through, but it may also be that he has given you reason to doubt, and given the porn thing that seems likely.

He needs to cut out the porn uses. It's monopolizing his sexual energy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can't imagine what kind of person would go along with that.
> 
> I personally think the OP is lucky. She found out now, early on, that he's not into her. Plenty early enough for her to excuse herself and go find someone who likes her.


But what if had "faked it until he made it" Show her a wonderful time until he gets her to walk the aisle.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> But what if had "faked it until he made it" Show her a wonderful time until he gets her to walk the aisle.


Ugh, thank goodness that didn’t happen. I don’t know any men who did that but I know more than one woman who pulled that bait and switch nonsense. Why the men stay with them I will never understand.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Ugh, thank goodness that didn’t happen. I don’t know any men who did that but I know more than one woman who pulled that bait and switch nonsense. Why the men stay with them I will never understand.


Because they stay on hopium until exit cost becomes too high and/or she has a child.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> cook!!
> I guess you missed the part where they have been in a relationship for about 3 years, and only two months since they moved in together. At 23 and 27 they should be going at it like rabbits still.


When I was 27 I wanted to have sex with my wife multiple times a day. I’m almost twice that old and it’s generally still true though.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can't imagine what kind of person would go along with that.
> 
> I personally think the OP is lucky. She found out now, early on, that he's not into her. Plenty early enough for her to excuse herself and go find someone who likes her.


He's into... video games. The libido of an 80 year old, with the interests of a 10 year old. Dead end, turn around and drive away at full speed OP, you can do better.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

AlyssaDrysdale said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Hope you are well.
> I was hoping to get some advice on my current situation regarding my boyfriend of nearly three years.
> ...


I believe that some people do tend to suffer a form of "sexual boredom" after having sex with same person over time. 

There certainly could be other underlying issues going on(porn abuse) but then is the porn use specifically because of this repetitive boredom or the other way around? That's anyone's guess. 

It's probably worth your time to seek some form of counseling to figure out if it can be addressed. IME, these issues tend to just get worse over time and rarely get better. 

Best wishes.


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