# Needy or emotionally abusive



## lostmom03 (Dec 28, 2011)

I have known my husband since I was 15. He was my first crush and over the course of the years we kept crossing paths. We have been together 10 years and married 6. We frequently have the conversation where he tells me "he's not responsible for my happiness". I understand this but at the same time if you are telling someone you love them and then in the next breath seething nasty comments at them how can that be true? We do not have an affectionate intimate relationship and I think it's becoming a bigger issue. There are so many things that could be said he's very angry with me and our children. My older two children he refuses to be in the same room with and when he is it's glaring and seething talking about how they just **** him off. I understand that they could do more but what kid couldn't? He has always pushed them and has never bothered to establish a relationship with them just demanded because he says so. He tells me that I am needy when I ask him for cuddling or closeness during or after sex, I don't even remember the last time he kissed me or didn't turn his head when I went to kiss him. I have asked for the things I want in a relationship before and he tells me that he's been burned before so it will take time. I think 10 years is long enough. He's now quit doing anything to help me at home sits in front of the video games cussing at it while my kids and I walk around ignoring it as best we can. I do love him but I'm not in love with him and I don't even like the person he has become. I'm terrified that he will get nasty if I leave or ask him too but I'm not sure how else to go about it. I feel as though he's emotionally neglected our relationship and I only have one life I would rather be alone than living with the misery of what will set him off next. Just not sure which way to turn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

I have no advice, but just wanted to tell you I know what you are going through, for I am living it as well. 

I realized tonight that when our oldest two children are not home, we seem to get along almost all the time, a few little things, but nothing major that isn't over with in 10 mins. 

When they are home, it seems we are always fighting and I've just realized tonight it is due to the way he treats them. He is always hateful with them, don't want them crossing his path and expect them to be perfect. If he tells them to do something, it should have been done before he finishes telling them. And God help them if they do something that makes them act like a kid, he expects them to act as an adult. Although, he isn't giving them much example of how an adult should act. 

I hope you find your solution, because I hate the feeling and know what you are going through.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He is right. He isn't responsible for your happiness. No one is responsible for that, but you.

However, he IS responsible, as a husband and lover, to meet your needs BECAUSE he loves you. That's not giving you happiness (although that could be a possible outcome...but some people complain about everything)....it's his duty as a husband to meet your needs as it is your duty to meet his. NOT out of obligation, but out of love.

My husband and I learned that this summer and we are better off for it. 

Figure out both of your "love languages" and talk abotu them...I did that with my husband and realized he was loving me the way HE needs to be loved (acts of service) and i was loving him the way *I* needed to be loved (affection and wanting time). We were miserable. He would do acts of service for me and be so proud and I wouldn't really appreciate it because it took his time from me, etc. I would try to snuggle him or want to 'hang out' and he would move away or pull back. We realized we were showing our love this way not only because it's how we NEEDED to be loved, but because we were trying to "hint" to the other how to love.

Once we realized this, I started doing acts of service for him.....laundry, dinner on the table every night, sweep his garage, etc...and HE, in turn, shocked the HELL out of me...he is now very affectionate (he never really was!) and he wants to spend time with me and instead of sitting just on the couch, he snuggles up to me and holds my hand while we watch TV.  Soemthing so simple as changing the way we showed our love for each other...changed everything.

As far as the dynamics with the kids go, I suggest a family meeting. Don't assume he knows how to parent. Were his parents this way with him? Have a loving, family meeting and let the kids talk too. To ease the tension, maybe make chore charts, etc and a certain time for things to get done by (this works for my 12 year old).


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## lostmom03 (Dec 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He is right. He isn't responsible for your happiness. No one is responsible for that, but you.
> 
> However, he IS responsible, as a husband and lover, to meet your needs BECAUSE he loves you. That's not giving you happiness (although that could be a possible outcome...but some people complain about everything)....it's his duty as a husband to meet your needs as it is your duty to meet his. NOT out of obligation, but out of love.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostmom03 (Dec 28, 2011)

lostmom03 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have done chore charts and he refuses to help with anything regarding the kids and holding them accountable and when I ask him to do this he says what's the point they do what try want why can't I? We have had family meetings and he refuses to participate in that. He told me last week that when I start participatig so will he. I work full time do all of the laundry try to cook meals every night and take care of all of our finances. I just feel like he's making excuses for not being involved because he really doesn't want to be. Every effort or comment I make is met with a reason to him, excuse to me that it won't work. He is full of why it wont work but has nothing when I ask him for suggestions or input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose the older two children are his as well.
Most likely in the past you have given them right against him too often which makes him resent them.
There is something very wrong in your marriage that he wishes to take no part in.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

he is right about one thing; He is not responsible for your happiness, you are.
That being said, while I know that I am not responsible for my wife's happiness, that doesn't mean that I do nothing about it. I try every day to make her life happy. I think up things to say or do that will make her laugh. I take some of the household load off of her (laundry, cooking, cleaning) when I am home to give her time to relax.
I do these things not out of obligation, guilt, or necessity, but because I love her and want her to be happy. I can't *make* her be happy, but I can contribute.
On the issues with the kids, he's a childish buttwipe.

Marriage and family is a job, it's not a cushy sit on your butt and wait for supper extravaganza. As in any job, if you don't contribute, pull your own weight, and do your job, you get fired.
Fire him.


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## VTEnviro (Dec 29, 2011)

> Figure out both of your "love languages" and talk abotu them...I did that with my husband and realized he was loving me the way HE needs to be loved (acts of service) and i was loving him the way *I* needed to be loved (affection and wanting time). We were miserable. He would do acts of service for me and be so proud and I wouldn't really appreciate it because it took his time from me, etc. I would try to snuggle him or want to 'hang out' and he would move away or pull back. We realized we were showing our love this way not only because it's how we NEEDED to be loved, but because we were trying to "hint" to the other how to love.
> 
> Once we realized this, I started doing acts of service for him.....laundry, dinner on the table every night, sweep his garage, etc...and HE, in turn, shocked the HELL out of me...he is now very affectionate (he never really was!) and he wants to spend time with me and instead of sitting just on the couch, he snuggles up to me and holds my hand while we watch TV. Soemthing so simple as changing the way we showed our love for each other...changed everything.


You are describing the exact relationship problem we are going through now.

I do the service oriented stuff say when she will be home late from work - take out the garbage, make dinner, clean up, etc.

She would come home and go on about how she had a bad day. I thought I did my part by doing all the little things so she could just relax when she got home, but all she needed was someone to listen to her and tell her it'll be ok.

I'm the opposite. I want the help getting things done so I don't need to worry about them after a rotten day.

I will mention this to her tonight. It may really help.


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## lostmom03 (Dec 28, 2011)

I may not have been clear in my comments when I said that he says "he isn't reponsible for my happiness". I thought I had said I realized he wasn't. I'm not asking him to be I am asking him to meet somewhere in the middle instead of using the proverbial carrot on a stick ie. when you do this, I'll do this. The older two children are from a first marriage and their father pays his child support but that's it. He doesn't do anymore than he has to which I am grateful for since there are non custodial parents who don't bother to do that. I know that he isn't responsible for my happiness and what I meant was that in a relationship it's give and take you can't just participate when it's all good and when it's bad go throw your hands up and say I quit. He is on one end of the spectrum when it comes to discipline and what he expects and I am on the other end. I understand that the kids don't like to work and all of that other typical child stuff. I don't care that they walk away saying it's dumb or it's boring or what have you because they DO IT! If they didn't do what I asked, I would have a bigger problem than just complaining and then doing it anyway. I hope this clears up some of the misconceptions. I do appreciate your responses it helps to have someone to bounce things off of for perspective.


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## lostmom03 (Dec 28, 2011)

ACCEPT- 
When we first married my older two were 5 and 9 they used to come to him every night tell him goodnight and that they loved him and his reponse was "what do you want?" I told him that this would eventually push them away and it has done just that. He did not attend track meets, basketball games, baseball games nothing to show that he had any interest in their lives outside of making them do what he wants at home. I tried to include him and ask him to come to these events and got met with "no" he didn't want to. He worked all day, or he was tired or what have you as if I don't work all day too? I realize there is something wrong in my marriage but I don't believe it's because I've put the kids before him. I have tried to include him and also tried to do things with just him but he doesn't want to do that either. I honestly don't know where he is at anymore in this relationship and quite frankly find myself caring less and less. If I am doing all the work in this relationship then it's no different than being single, in fact it's a lot less headache being single I'm beginning to believe.


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