# DW is a great giver...not a great receiver



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Hey all you fellow TAM members. It has been a while since I have posted here. Thanks again for all the support you have provided me. Life is great and just keeps getting better.

I wanted to re-start a topic I brought up a while ago, maybe as time has passed I have a different perspective on things. Since we got our sex life back on track, my wife has been a great giver in bed. She is fun, creative, enthusiastic and loving. I really could not ask for more...but I am. The little issue I have is that she is not that interested in my reciprocation. Foreplay pretty much is all about me and then we get to business (PIV). I want to make her physically feel good too. Sometimes she lets me go down on her (maybe 1 out of 10 times). I can usually get her close to an O after 10-20 mins of very consistent finger and tongue, but I can count on my hands how many times I have made her cum in our 20 year relationship. I would say about 50% of the time she will bring out her toys while we are together or after I finish. Of those times, she is successful in giver herself an O about 50% of the time after about 30 minutes of concentration by herself.

I feel selfish. She assures me that this is not a problem and even feels bad when she sees me kick it into overdrive with oral and go for the marathon session yet nothing happens.

I realize it is likely my own personal problem and likely driven by my ego, but that does not help make me feel any better about it.

So there it is. What are your thoughts?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee is the same way. She loves to have sex with me and please me, but doesn't want me pleasing her nearly as much, mainly for me. This is because her love language is "Acts of Service, rating 12" and mine is "Physical, rating 12". We posted our results on the fridge so we remember our love languages at all times and it works great. Take the 5 love languages quiz with her and then talk about the results like my wife and I have done. It worked wonders and helped us understand each others needs.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks CB. We'll take the quiz and see how it looks. Here is my guess for her:

1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Acts of service
4. Physical touch
5. Receiving gifts

I just took the tests, here are my results:
1. Physical touch (11)
2. Quality time (9)
3. Words of affirmation (5)
4. Acts of service (4)
5. Receiving gifts (1)


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So now you both know what each others main love language is. Go with it from there, post the results on the fridge and when you have sex, remember, she wants to please you and you need sex way more than she wants or needs. Her love language is Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, so focus on that all the time and she will feel loved, resulting in you having more sex, Physical love language for you. :smthumbup:

And your love language results were identical to mine.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

That were just my guess for her; but after 20 years of being together I think I should be fairly in tune with what she needs. She often asks for me to tell her how I lover her and she LOVES compliments. She loves spending time with me, going on dates and vacations. I'll ask her to take the test.

I get what you are saying though. It is hard for me to empathize that love does not equal physical touch...but I can understand the logic that love means different things for different people. 

Thanks CB.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

MrAvg said:


> I had issues early in my sexual life that led to read and learn a lot about cunnilingus. I still read about it today. Just a thought if you have not read any books, it may not be a technique issue.
> 
> DW has always told me how talented I am with my tongue. I also feel selfish if she does not orgasm. I am luck DW wants me to pleasure her that way. But there have been a few times it just did not happen. Those few times she just could not relax and let it happen. Is your wife stressed with kids?


Yes, MrAvg -- you are lucky. I wish I could give that way to my wife.

I have read just about everything I could find out there on the subject but every woman is different. She can't stand to be teased or let me build up the tension. When she lets me, she prefers me to just go for the gusto and get down to what feels good and just keep doing that. She says it feels good to her and she can get close, but has trouble getting over the edge. I know exactly where she likes my fingers, what level of pressure and tempo that works for her. I know how the amount of attention she likes on her cl!t and when -- flat, soaking wet tongue at first; then more aggressive, direct and fully exposed when she gets closer. Stress has a lot to do with it but I also think it would help if I could take my time and build up the arousal. 

I don't feel completely emasculated as it takes her about 30 mins with the rabbit and a new set of batteries to get off by herself, if she is lucky. I know she says she is fine with that, and I accept that. There is just part of my gut that feels guilty that I have trouble letting go of.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I have a hard time orgasming when a woman is on top.... it just doesn't give me the thrusting action that I need...

well my ex girlfriend would come six times in a row on top of me - and YES, I loved it...

But my wife is more like your wife, and I think she is the best sex *I* have ever had...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

It seems to me that if she does not always reach the conclusion when she is doing it herself than there is not much to be done in the technique. People usually know just exactly how to get the job accomplished themselves.

The only other question would be if there are other mental stimulus's that may help. For example your level of excitement and how heated you are.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

hubby said:


> That were just my guess for her; but after 20 years of being together I think I should be fairly in tune with what she needs. She often asks for me to tell her how I lover her and she LOVES compliments. She loves spending time with me, going on dates and vacations. I'll ask her to take the test.
> 
> I get what you are saying though. It is hard for me to empathize that love does not equal physical touch...but I can understand the logic that love means different things for different people.
> 
> Thanks CB.



No prob.

If she's uneasy taking the test with you there, leave the room and when she's done, then compare results.

Worked great for my wifee and I.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I sent you a pm with a link that I hope helps you out.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I am not a woman but I prefer to be the giver and not the receiver. 

I relax that a bit at times because I realize that I can't be cheating her out of the satisfaction that one gets from making the other feel that amazing. The look, feel, and sound of your partner getting off due mostly to your actions is pretty amazing. 

The Love Languages are a good idea.

It could also be because it takes her longer to reach that point and so she feels bad for you having to do all of that work. If this is the case, maybe start the teasing and flirting earlier in the day. Prime the pump, so to speak.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I sent you a pm with a link that I hope helps you out.


Thanks Ray. That was a good read. I think the build up is what is really missing. I would LOVE to take my time and tease my wife like that. She just can't handle it. She's the type that really dislikes surprises. Even outside the bedroom, I need to give her a heads up on plans. I can't plan a surprise weekend getaway even though both our parents are in town and would totally help out. That caries into the bedroom. 

I think if she was able to relax, let go and let me take my time it would really pay off. Hard to make that happen though. 

Suggestions?

I like the idea of building the suspense throughout the day. Again, I need to make sure she is relatively stress free for her to be receptive or pick up on the teases to build sexual tension.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

tyler1978 said:


> It could also be because it takes her longer to reach that point and so she feels bad for you having to do all of that work. If this is the case, maybe start the teasing and flirting earlier in the day. Prime the pump, so to speak.


Good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DH is a giver and while he enjoys receiving he prefers the thrill of pleasing and teasing me. The only thing that has helped us was my insistence on mutual playtime. He can't touch me unless I get to play with him too. He seems to like that

Some people really don't have the capability to let another person be in control. Some just feel too selfish having the focus on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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