# pretty much the worst homecoming ever



## ScaredGuy

OK, here's the short version. She got out of rehab yesterday and sounded very hopeful and ready to change...

Then today at 2:30 I get a call from the local cops saying my wife had been arrested for DUI. Not even a full day out of rehab and she got arrested. Her BAC was .255 and another citizen apparently reported her.

Slightly longer version: I got two hysterical phone calls from her in jail that basically consisted of (1) an elaborate lie she tried to convince me of and (2) "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" 

I made some calls to my mother and a good friend after I sorted out up from down in my head a little. My good friend was mad that I wasn't more upset, which I was but I don't scream at my friends. He told me he would have broke by now and to "stop drinking the kool aid." My mother was upset, because she knew what needed to be done. My mother said that she would be upset if I did take her back, because she wanted her son back. I wasn't expecting that from her. But I know she's right.

The details: Yesterday she seemed happy to be home, but I guess she was just happy to get OUT. We talked last night and she was happy to have people to call from her group, to have doctors and generally the help she needed - or so I thought. We did not even mildly argue yesterday, and she slept last night, plus this morning we had a nice talk before I had to go to work. She wanted to go out to dinner tonight, and I left her with the words "Just have a GOOD day today!" She smiled and agreed.

I'm too emotionally burned to really feel anger right now, but I am definitely feeling betrayed, disrespected, and used. If she hadn't been arrested, she'd just be at home in a stupor (JUST like pre-rehab) and we'd probably fight about whether or not she had been drinking but I wouldn't have any proof just a hunch so I'd have to swallow it, even though I was right. Well, she was arrested, so there's the proof! 

Oh, the lie she tried to sell me is that she was at the nail salon removing her glued on nails and they used something with alcohol in it to do that, which made her look intoxicated and none of this was her fault! Pretty rich right? If you're going to lie to me at least don't insult my intelligence. You don't get to .255 without drinking, her rehab clinic even said that when I called them just to be sure (even though I felt foolish doing so.)

Bottom line: I'm getting a divorce. This is absolute insanity. I can only hope the law straightens her out. It's her first DUI, but she already had 10 points on her license (in our state you can have 12 points in 12 months or 18 points in 18 months) so I have a suspicion she's going to jail for a while either way, then probably to court ordered rehab. A person would have to be nuts to stick with this person. Also, the 10 points break down like this: 4 from the totaled car, and 6 from an infraction in which she hired a lawyer who talked down a whopping 28 point ticket down to 6 and a $275 fine. There was probably alcohol involved in both but nothing ever proven in court that I know of. This time I highly doubt she will walk away with points and a fine...I'm thinking jail time, mandatory rehab (again), fines, community service, alcohol classes, and AA meetings that are required. Maybe then she will own her mistakes, but I am not sticking around to find out.

If anyone knows a little more from the legal perspective I'd appreciate the feedback. Came back to post because I figured some closure was in order in light of today's events.


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## howtoknow

I am so sorry to hear about the homecoming. But, honestly, consider yourself lucky. At least you can get out of this marriage before there are children. I've just recently found out that my husband is an alcoholic and we have two small children, ages 4 and 7. Now, I'm torn between saving myself and my children. If we divorce he will get partial custody and/or visitation. Our youngest child has breathing difficulties and must have someone who can administer medical attention when necessary. When my H drinks he can not be woken by me...much less a 4 year old child who can barely breath himself.

I understand this is not easy. But, things can always get worse...

Best of luck to you!


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## Runs like Dog

I think you are very brave and have clearly open eyes. Good for you. I am proud of you.


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## Prodigal

Here's one bit of legal advice that may very well save you from being dragged down with her: make absolutely sure you get your name off any vehicle titles, if you are co-owners. If you don't have your name on the title of her car, then fine. However, if you are on the title, time to get it removed. You are liable if, while driving, she is involved in an accident. Get your name off any joint accounts. In other words, do NOT commingle funds.

I've lived through this myself, and I got my name off of everything. Fortunately, I was never on the mortgage, but I was on the title of our house, with the rights to survivorship. In other words, if my husband killed himself driving drunk, I'd have a roof over my head and the house wouldn't end up in probate.

You are still young. Get out and move on. An alcoholic's life is chaotic, and they make darned sure to do their best to pull their spouse into the chaos. It is a great relief to be able to live in peace and quiet, not having to dread the next round of arguments, insane behavior, and feeling used and manipulated.


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## Uptown

ScaredGuy, the behavior you are describing here (and in your other thread) includes most of the nine traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. It sounds like your W has many strong traits of BPD. Whether they are so strong as to meet the diagnostic threshold for "having BPD" is a determination that only a professional can make. 

This is not to say, however, that you cannot recognize a strong pattern of such traits when they occur. There is nothing subtle about any of them. Indeed, when you are married to a woman, you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to spot traits like verbal abuse, fear of abandonment, low self esteem, emotional instability, self harm or suicidal behavior, inability to trust, addictive behavior due to lack of impulse control, and black-white thinking. 

Moreover, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 70% of those diagnosed with BPD reported having been abused or abandoned in early childhood -- as you say had happened to your W when she was a child.


ScaredGuy said:


> She got out of rehab yesterday and sounded very hopeful and ready to change... Then today at 2:30 I get a call from the local cops saying my wife had been arrested for DUI.


If your W has strong BPD traits, it is very unlikely she will stay in therapy or -- if she does -- actually work hard on her issues. I spent a small fortune taking my exW to weekly visits (with six different psychologists) for 15 years -- all to no avail. She got worse, not better. Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a greater chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer (i.e., person with strong BPD traits) stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.


> I'm thinking jail time, mandatory rehab (again)... Maybe then she will own her mistakes.


If she is a BPDer (i.e., a person with strong BPD traits), it is highly unlikely that you will ever see her take responsibility for her own actions. Moreover, even if she does momentarily apologize for something to prevent your leaving her, she likely will take it back the next day -- if not in the next breath -- by giving you a preposterous excuse, as occurred when your W claimed her blood alcohol level was high due to the damp cotton swabs applied to her finger nails. 

Part of the time, such nonsense is a pure lie. And part of the time she will believe it is true because, for a BPDer, her intense feelings constitute facts and reality. With my exW, for example, I often marveled that an intelligent adult was capable of keeping a straight face while saying the things that often came out of her mouth. But I would have driven myself crazy if I had attempted to distinguish the lies from the misperceptions caused by her disorder (which is why BPD is considered a "thought disorder").


> I got two hysterical phone calls from her in jail that basically consisted of (1) an elaborate lie she tried to convince me of and (2) "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!"


With respect to the lie, BPDers typically will not hesitate to lie when they find themselves in a corner -- as I noted above. With respect to the "Don't Leave Me" pleas, I observe that the second-most popular BPD book (targeted to "Nons" like you and me) is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." The reason for the title is that BPDers have two great fears: engulfment and abandonment. When you draw close to a BPDer and have an intimate evening or wonderful weekend, she will feel so suffocated by your strong personality that she will feel like she is evaporating into thin air. She therefore will push you away -- immediately after such intimate times -- by creating an argument over nothing. Yet, as you pull away to give her breathing space, she will eventually -- hours or days later -- start to fear abandonment, causing her to try reeling you back in by being extra sweet and caring. Then, of course, the cycle will repeat itself.


> My mother said that she would be upset if I did take her back, because she wanted her son back.


Your mother was telling you that you have not been acting yourself for a long time. If you had been acting like the "real you," you would have been triggering your W's deep-set anger far too often. That anger, which she has been carrying inside since early childhood, is easily triggered by any innocent statement or action that triggers her engulfment fear or her abandonment fear. Because you never know what statement may do that, you have been walking on eggshells -- not being yourself -- for probably three years now. This, incidentally, is why the most popular BPD book (targeted to Nons) is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells."


> I am definitely feeling betrayed, disrespected, and used.


Good. You should feel that way. Caregivers like you and me tend to ignore our own feelings and focus, instead, on the feelings of the loved one we are caring for. We accomplish that by intellectualizing everything, trying to figure out exactly what we may have done or said wrong. Because we are loath to look out for our own well being, we can easily get mired into a toxic relationship when we fall in love with a BPDer. I therefore encourage you to hold onto your anger for at least a year. In one sense, the anger is not justified because your role in the toxic relationship (being the "caregiver to a fault," i.e., the enabler) was just as damaging to your W as her obnoxious behavior was to you.
Even so, your anger is a good thing because it can serve as a crutch you can use to walk away from the relationship. Once you're divorced and safely away, you should toss that crutch aside.


> Bottom line: I'm getting a divorce. A person would have to be nuts to stick with this person.


Not "nuts" but, rather, "codependent." I don't like the term "codependent" because psychologists do not agree among themselves as to whether it constitutes a disorder -- so there is no generally recognized definition of what it is. Instead, I usually use the term "caregiver to a fault" because guys like us have such a strong desire to be needed that we get confused, sometimes thinking we are "being loved" when we are only "being needed."


> If anyone knows a little more from the legal perspective I'd appreciate the feedback.


If your W is a BPDer, the divorce is going to get nasty really quick -- and I have useful tips for handling that because I went through it three years ago. Moreover, I can suggest a website forum where you will get assistance from many other guys who have recently divorced a BPDer. I therefore suggest that you read more about the BPD traits and see whether they ring a bell. Although you will not be able to tell whether your W has traits at the diagnostic level, you will be able to spot an occurrence of strong traits. 

Before you left high school, for example, you could spot strong selfishness and grandiosity without having a clue about diagnosing Narcissistic PD. You could identify the drama queens without knowing how to diagnose Histrionic PD. And you could point out the very shy students without trying to diagnose Avoidant PD. Likewise, you can do the same thing with respect to the nine BPD traits.

I suggest you begin with my overview of BPD traits in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Several of my posts in that thread also provide links to excellent articles on BPD written by professionals. Meanwhile, ScaredGuy, please start taking better care of yourself by enforcing the personal boundaries she has repeatedly violated -- as you now are doing by leaving.


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