# Frustrated Husband



## aceplayer (Sep 5, 2012)

I am so depressed about my marriage right now. I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. We have two children ages 4 and 1. I cannot seem to get enough sex and my wife only wants/ gives it once or twice a week. I find myself hating being married and jealous of single guys. I know that is selfish but here is the details.
I work away from home 2 weeks a month. Therefore I am only home for 2 weeks a month. When I am home I take care of the boys, make food (not every meal but my fair share) I tidy the house, load/ unload the dishwasher almost exclusively. I do the laundry for all of us, mow the lawn, clean the yard, and her vehicle. She has a part time Nanny and a cleaning lady that comes once a week (even when I am home) I tell her I love her and she is beautiful numerous times a day, I massage her feet/ back even though I suck at it probably 3 or 4 times a week. I make really good money and she doesn’t have to work. She has a sport she plays and drives a nice vehicle. I am not fat, with some pretty decent arms and am working on staying fit. 
My wife takes care of my 2 beautiful children and is a good wife. I find her very attractive and will do almost anything for her. We used to have amazing sex. We couldn’t drive 2 hrs in the car without having to pull over twice! Now we could go 12hrs and as much as I touched her leg (as far as she will let me go) I cant get her interested. 
She tells me she wants more romance. But the thing is she told me before that doing the laundry turns her on......so I do it......doesn’t work. She said helping around the house turns her on.......so I do it.....doesn’t work. She told me rub her feet and talk to her........so I did....doesn’t work. Now I am just supposed to tell her stories!!! Like WTF I am so lost and frustrated it is horrible. I try very hard to be romantic and do things to make her feel special and nothing. As I see it I have 3 options, figure out how to romance her, find out how to be less horny or I need to get it elsewhere (which I never have and do not want to). Is my marriage doomed????


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

No More Mr Nice Guy
and
Married Man Sex Life

I've given lot of thought to this lately. and you know what - despite of what she said - a perfectly loaded dishwasher or a nice dinner is just that - a perfectly loaded dishwasher and a nice dinner. sweet? yes. thoughtful (if that's the proper word) - yes. provoking physical desire? no.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

What's next? She'll say that giving her a no- limit credit card turns her on? She's taking advantage of your need for the V and is manipulating you. Tell her that if she's not turned on, she can still take care of you in a number of ways to get you off. That way, your satisfied for the time being and didn't have to jump through hoops.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

What got her going before you got married? Until recently I was struggling with the same things and just like you were saying; if you do x I will be less stressed, or that will give me time to get in the mood. I found recently that none of what she was saying was actually what she wanted. She was asking simply so it didn't feel like she was doing all the household duties. What she really wanted were very simple things like sending a text saying "I love you" at some random point in the day. She wanted to participate in my life. She wanted to talk about stuff, really anything it doesn't matter. They don't have to be marathon conversations just a few minutes here and there. She wanted to feel like we were dating again. Actually calling it date night even though we were doing the exact same things made a big difference. She wanted me to listen to her problems and not try to fix them all the time. That has been very difficult. Seeing a therapist has really begun to help us understand one another after 10 years. We had simply gone on for so long taking each other for granted we almost forgot what we fell in love with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

MarriedMojo said:


> What got her going before you got married? Until recently I was struggling with the same things and just like you were saying; if you do x I will be less stressed, or that will give me time to get in the mood. I found recently that none of what she was saying was actually what she wanted. She was asking simply so it didn't feel like she was doing all the household duties. What she really wanted were very simple things like sending a text saying "I love you" at some random point in the day. She wanted to participate in my life. She wanted to talk about stuff, really anything it doesn't matter. They don't have to be marathon conversations just a few minutes here and there. She wanted to feel like we were dating again. Actually calling it date night even though we were doing the exact same things made a big difference. She wanted me to listen to her problems and not try to fix them all the time. That has been very difficult. Seeing a therapist has really begun to help us understand one another after 10 years. We had simply gone on for so long taking each other for granted we almost forgot what we fell in love with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is the first assumption always "do the things you did when you were dating", well my reply would be you are not doing the things you did either AS IN SEX. At the end of the day they are just excuses, how do I know this? because I have done exactly as Mrcow said, I did everything my ex complained that I wasn't doing and STILL NOTHING!! I finally figured out that there would always be an excuse, maybe I didn't cut my toenails, or my hair needs cutting or I didn't compliment the way her eyebrows were done..... :lol:


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I go along witrh you are just being used, because it sounds like she has a pretty nice lifestyle and you have done everything she has asked of you,but she is giving you excuse to not have sex.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"she told me before that doing the laundry turns her on......so I do it......doesn’t work. She said helping around the house turns her on.......so I do it.....doesn’t work. She told me rub her feet and talk to her........so I did....doesn’t work"

I heard the same things from my wife and you're right, they don't work.

You have to stop doing these things when you're home. Heck, she has help anyway!

Do what YOU want when you're home. Stop with the chores, stop with the compliments and stop the massages NOW. Do what you want to do when you're home! Hire someone to cut the lawn every week and go fishing or something like that! Get together with your friends and go out for a meal or drinks! 

Do the things that give you pleasure since she isn't!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> I go along witrh you are just being used, because it sounds like she has a pretty nice lifestyle and you have done everything she has asked of you,but she is giving you excuse to not have sex.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

She doesn't want you to do the laundry, wash dishes, take care of the kids or provide material things.

She wants a husband who isn't away for two weeks and then expects to get laid when he gets back. During those two weeks she's alone and feels abandoned and no amount of material things, nannies, etc... will solve that.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

dblkman said:


> Why is the first assumption always "do the things you did when you were dating", well my reply would be you are not doing the things you did either AS IN SEX. At the end of the day they are just excuses, how do I know this? because I have done exactly as Mrcow said, I did everything my ex complained that I wasn't doing and STILL NOTHING!! I finally figured out that there would always be an excuse, maybe I didn't cut my toenails, or my hair needs cutting or I didn't compliment the way her eyebrows were done..... :lol:


Man there is a lot of hate going on in this thread. All I was saying was that regardless of what you are doing or what she is doing something isn't working. Maybe they are all excuses but we are not in high school and someone has to step up and be the bigger person and try to change things. Get divorced for all I care. Marriage is "WORK" period and if you are not willing to put in the effort at home then just get a divorce. I forgot about that fact a few years back and my marriage suffered because of it. My wife and I are on the upward swing now and I hope it stays that way. I was beating my head against the wall a few months back because every time I would try and discuss the issues with my wife it would end in a fight and both parties were just pissed. I kept at it until I found a way to get through to my wife. Sure maybe we don't have the most adventurous sex, sure maybe we still have issues, but I didn't get married just to give up on her or me. I have been divorced once before so I am not opposed to it but only as a last resort. If you really are gone half of every month on business your marriage is going to be twice as hard as some others out there. Its like trying to get an entire months worth of work done in the 2 weeks you are at the office. I say this figuratively as in your office being your marriage. I feel love and appreciation when I am around my wife, I personally feel very disconnected when I do have to travel for work. I just hold my wife that much tighter when I get home. So maybe you got a bad apple, maybe she just isn't right for you, but my guess is that you posted on these forums just like I did which was to try and get help, not just start a b***ch fest. If you feel like you are being used you need to get out, if it hasn't reached that point then man up and keep at it until you either find a way through or you are out of options. Keep in mind that as some have already suggested in this thread stopping everything is the answer to fix your problems, its not and that will only make things worse. Thats my .02 so take it however you want.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Women are "hot to trot" before marriage because they AREN'T MARRIED. Once the hook is set, the real woman reveals herself and that's the one you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
If you have chosen wrongly, be hopeful she dosn't wait twenty years to let you know "for sure".


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

hookares said:


> Women are "hot to trot" before marriage because they AREN'T MARRIED. Once the hook is set, the real woman reveals herself and that's the one you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
> If you have chosen wrongly, be hopeful she dosn't wait twenty years to let you know "for sure".


Why does everyone say this? People do change over time. I don't understand why it is always the woman who changes. I'm a guy and I don't understand. I know plenty of my friends who during the "dating" phase would always bring their girlfriend along with us to the sports bars or out to a guy movie. These same guys "after marriage" now sit around on Sundays watching football, ignoring their wives. This is only a single example so please use your imagination when thinking about it. I think both parties change after marriage because they get comfortable. The days of trying to woo each other are over. I know I did and so did my wife. We both can look back and see our mistakes.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Once again, no original thought by hookares.
Here I thought I was only stating my experience.


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

hookares said:


> Women are "hot to trot" before marriage because they AREN'T MARRIED. Once the hook is set, the real woman reveals herself and that's the one you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
> If you have chosen wrongly, be hopeful she dosn't wait twenty years to let you know "for sure".





hookares said:


> Once again, no original thought by hookares.
> Here I thought I was only stating my experience.


This did not seem stated as an experience, it was stated as a fact.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

As a woman, and a mother, I noticed a "syndrome" that can occur with newer mothers.

As a mother, she may be assessing you as a father, supporter, and a parent. If you prove yourself to her in those areas, she will let you back in "emotionally". This can be common. She's in mother mode protecting the kids. Basic instincts.

Yup, she is probably tired. And figured that if you helped, she would have more energy and things would naturally go back to normal. It didn't. 

Two things you can try:
Make sure she is not suffering from post partum depression
Start dating her again to get her back into "wife" mode.

One or two dates might not make a huge difference either, it might take some time. That's what romance is about. Getting her to fall in love with you again as a wife, and not just a mother. 

And yeah, stop doing so much for her. Sit down and agree on who does what, make sure it's fair, and stick to it. Your two weeks off should include some fun time, too.

Then get her out the house.


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## In the Rough (Sep 5, 2012)

Are you my husband??? LOL 

I am the LD wife married to a HD man. I will tell you, it is nice to have help around the house (we both work so that’s expected) but that is NOT a turn-on. Not for me anyway. Neither are the material possessions a man might provide. 

Romance might be your clue. Have you tried to make her feel desired? Not physically desired, I mean emotionally/mentally. 

I have a hard time pinpointing what it is that can get me in the mood so I understand why she keeps throwing out different options. Honestly, having a nice time together and just holding hands without any pressure for anything afterwards, helps me. Sitting together on the couch watching a movie. Text messages throughout the day help. Anything that strengthens the emotional bond. Just throwing out some ideas. 

You both need to be willing to work on it. Honestly, as I stated in the thread I just posted I thought 1-2 times a week is an appropriate compromise so I might not be the right person to post to your thread.


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## aceplayer (Sep 5, 2012)

Thanks for all the input. My wife is really great and she believes as I do that divorce is not an option. My kids deserve better than that. She tries quite hard and I appriciate it. I think a lot of our problem is that we both have different love languages and I really need to think about what she needs more and tell her what I need more. We have talked about it quite a bit for some time and I tell you it is really hard. Really, really hard to change the way things are and break the habits. When life becomes so busy and stressed we both revert back to our natural instincts. Which unfortunate for us are not what the other likes. There is definitely more deep rooted issues here that me and her need to resolve. I am going to talk to her about house work and equal partnership. A lot of this stems from her not feeling validated and I get that. I act negatively because I am not feeling appriciated as well. My hobbies are my wife and kids and I enjoy spending time with them. I do not feel the need to get out and do things without them. They are my life and I will do anything for them it is just hard when I my sexual needs are not being met. I guess that is part of having small children. Anyways I will work at this and try to be as romantic as I can, while not overworking myself, and having an equal part in the household stuff.


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## aceplayer (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> "she told me before that doing the laundry turns her on......so I do it......doesn’t work. She said helping around the house turns her on.......so I do it.....doesn’t work. She told me rub her feet and talk to her........so I did....doesn’t work"
> 
> I heard the same things from my wife and you're right, they don't work.
> 
> ...


That is not me. I can't do that to the mother of my children. To me that is a great big "**** you!!!" and I know it would piss me off to no end. She is essentially a single mom for half a month. It has to be tough on her. I just have to find out what she needs and why things I try are not working. I know she loves me and I can trust her 100% so I'm not worried there. Time and effort is the cure I believe.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Have you asked her if she is at a place in the relationship were she feels like everything you do, as well meaning as you feel it is, is an effort to get her in the mood so you can have sex?


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

I posted a thread awhile back. I felt infatuated with my wife and started showing it in a big way. Wanting to hold her hand, wanting to hold her next to me when we're watching TV, telling her how hot she is, texting her .. all the things you'd probably do if you started out a relationship with someone. This is besides wanting her sexually.

I didn't do all thjis with an objective in mind, but her reaction brought her from LD to MD (medium drive) in about 2 weeks. She was texting me all the time and was initiating sexual contact much more often than before.

I may have gone too far, and for too long, and maybe got her too complacent over time, but the fact remains that she responded back in a big way. I remain convinced that this is what she wanted and maybe what your wife wants too. In fact that's probably what 99% of the "no-sex" wives want. They want to feel in love.

My wife used to want more romance, but I interpreted that to mean she wanted flowers and dinner out to a nice place and all that. But that's not it. And she wasn't really able to articulate what it was she wanted. But I realize now that what she meant is that she wants to be desired - and I mean desired like a new lover wants her. The way we all used to at first.

I suggest you don't go through the motions. I suggest that you actually get yourself in the mindset that you're falling in love with her again. Once you've reached that point, you'll naturally do those things she wants without even thinking about it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

aceplayer said:


> That is not me. I can't do that to the mother of my children. To me that is a great big "**** you!!!" and I know it would piss me off to no end. She is essentially a single mom for half a month. It has to be tough on her. I just have to find out what she needs and why things I try are not working. I know she loves me and I can trust her 100% so I'm not worried there. Time and effort is the cure I believe.


You feel this way and that's fine. The point you are missing though is that she also needs to work on this.

Seriously, you need to be careful with the balance in your life. Did you have any friends or hobbies before the two of you met? THAT'S the man she fell in love with. Is it possible that for the two weeks you are home you're smoothering her?

Also, have you thought about trying to find a job where you're not away from your family so much?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

MarriedMojo said:


> This did not seem stated as an experience, it was stated as a fact.


Sorry "Ace", most members only use one handle on this board.:scratchhead:


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## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

hookares said:


> Sorry "Ace", most members only use one handle on this board.:scratchhead:


Not really sure I know what you mean...


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

sounds like she has a hard time disengaging from mommy mode to sex kitten mode. That is the romance she needs to switch gears. Been there, done that. She needs to feel like your girlfriend, not the mother of your children, which is 24 hour job. My H didn't fully understand until he had the kids by himself for a weekend. Have you ever done that? Send your wife off to a spa with a friend and have the kids. Sometimes walking in someone's shoe makes for better understanding.

Sometimes we reminisce about something that was romantic, just the two of us to change gears to US. Takes the kids out of my mind to get my mojo going. Just a thought.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedMojo View Post
This did not seem stated as an experience, it was stated as a fact.

i understand why you don't "know what I mean". I didn't grasp your reason for this post, either.


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