# I think I may have ruined everything



## BigandTallSection (Feb 28, 2012)

Here's what happened.. I don't know what to do.

I've been married for 8 years, on and off together for 16 years.

Recently had spinal surgery (about a year ago). I've been feeling run down, tired, not strong anymore. My life became a daily struggle. Waking up I wish I were dead and I wished that I didn't have to go to work and stress out throughout the day to pay bills that I would never be able to take care of.

On my lunches and breaks I would call my wife and try to be positive so that she wouldn't see me as weak. I felt if I said things like "trying to get though the day" or voice any frustrations over bills she would get mad at me and tell me how it's my fault and I was doing things wrong which would make me feel worse before returning to work.

I would get off work, hurry home and make the call about what drinks she wants and what to have for dinner, feeling like I was less of a man/ husband when she would tell me "you already know what I drink every single night!" and then the dinner situation: "I don't even want to deal with it, why do we have to do this every single night?!?!"

I would come thru the door, kiss my wife, happy to be home and ready to relax. She would always make me dinner and most nights we would eat at the coffee table where I was comfortable. I would feel bad that it is such a low class thing to eat on a coffee table in front of the T.V instead of at the dinner table with candles lit, which I knew she would prefer.

I would put on my goofy, unsexy sleeping gear and awkwardly stumble into the study, trying not to smoke too much as not to bother my wife, which would cause her to say "It's so smokey in here" or "you just had a cigarette!" and/or open the windows.

We would lie together and mostly watch interesting programs or documentaries, but it was almost always what she would want to watch (except movies). Sometimes she would touch my hands, but they would always sting, burn and hurt.

I would try to get close to her occasionally but I didn't feel that I was very attractive - being tired, awkward moving, unshaven and goofy clothes.

Alot of time we would watch or listen to doomsday programs and I would be worried that it might effect me mentally/ my moods.

Throughout the night I would get on and off the computer (in the next room) OBSESSED with guitar/learning/selling/buying/modding and just vegging out before going to sleep in our room, while my wife stayed asleep in the study. 

I would occasionally go to sex websites. I felt so bad about myself that I thought just going there would make me feel better. I always felt worse afterward - ashamed of myself.

My wife has now found out about the sex sites and feels betrayed. I'm not sure if she'll ever trust me again we are having a fallout and there is talk of a separation/ divorce.

I'm sorry for hurting her. I want to feel good. I've made her feel bad about herself.

I remember the first time I kissed her and how I've never felt anything like it. I miss being close to her and making love to her....

I think I may have ruined everything...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you have serious health issues and they affect you negatively. you also sound depressed and it seems you do things you know she doesnt like, but you continue anyway. are you still seeing a doctor? maybe you should, there are ways to treat alot of what you are going through physically. at least try to see if you can get help to improve yourself. she is likely frustrated with you, it doesnt mean she doesnt love you.

you need to stop the woe is me routine, its not anything anybody likes to be around


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

There are different types of love look up the Triangular theory of love i think more people should read into that. Try to look and identify what love you are at. If its a consummate love and you know it to be true you have nothing to worry about as you two than have commitment, passion and intimacy and thus that is the "true love" cant be broken. It takes a special kind of person or a different type of person to really be in a consummate love. Not many people in the world (imo) are capable of true love their personalities are not right for it to many people are corrupted and claim "love" but than hurt/cheat on the spouse which is not at all a sign of love and you are kidding yourself if you feel that is true love. 


You have not had a PA or a EA so that is good and if you ever do than you would have broken and made a mockery of your marriage and destroy her trust. In addition you would be judged heavily for set actions imo by god. 

You have some health issues and that is affecting you as far as going on the porn websites well ideally you would not do that nor would porn be so rampant and even exist. However it does so tell her you are sorry and mean it and kick the habit. Heck maybe like couples therapy or something might help. Your health is obviously a issue and you are in pain talk to a doctor even a psychiatrist see were your mental health is at.

Best of luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Expand on the sex sites. 

Were you soliciting sex online? Were you watching adult films? Please explain further.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

BigandTallSection said:


> I would put on my goofy, unsexy sleeping gear and awkwardly stumble into the study, trying not to smoke too much as not to bother my wife, which would cause her to say "It's so smokey in here" or "you just had a cigarette!" and/or open the windows.


Smokers that light up inside the home are being completely and totally inconsiderate of anyone who lives with them.

There's no such thing as "not smoking too much", one cigarette indoors stinks to high heaven and the health aspects of second hand smoke cannot be emphasized enough.

She outright expressed her dislike for it yet you do it anyway, and you don't even open the windows!

You want to make some positive changes, light up outside.

She just might appreciate it enough to notice other positive changes you make in your life.

Plus, you're trying to heal from a major disability, the smoking is going to hinder your progress.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

You have health problems and you sound depressed. My guess is you need to work on you first and foremost. 

Did you have a satisfying sex life before you starting accessing porn sites?

Are you still on any medications?


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## BigandTallSection (Feb 28, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> You have health problems and you sound depressed. My guess is you need to work on you first and foremost.
> 
> Did you have a satisfying sex life before you starting accessing porn sites?
> 
> Are you still on any medications?


Yes, I agree I need to work on myself. I think I've stopped being active mentally and physically and grown lazy. 

I haven't been on any medications for about a year. I was on Gabapentin which helps deal with the pain in your nerve endings, shunting the nerve signals to your brain to ease the burning and stinging in my hands. I didn't want to be dependant on any drugs or suffer any long term issues from being on medication so I stopped taking it. 

Our sex life was beyond the best for years and it was constant. At least every night we would be together. The last couple years we have not been intimate much if at all. We sleep in separate rooms and when we do have sex she gives me oral. It's been around once every 3 months or so.

We dont usually go further than oral, usually I feel as though she is not feeling well enough for more or that I might not have the stamina to do more. I feel if I don't have the stamina she will stop, get upset and tell me that I dont want to be with her.


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## BigandTallSection (Feb 28, 2012)

hisfac said:


> Smokers that light up inside the home are being completely and totally inconsiderate of anyone who lives with them.
> 
> There's no such thing as "not smoking too much", one cigarette indoors stinks to high heaven and the health aspects of second hand smoke cannot be emphasized enough.
> 
> ...


We both are smokers. Before my surgery we would either go outside and smoke or we would go downstairs and smoke in the basement.

After surgery I was laid up on the couch in the living room and it was easier to light up without going elsewhere.


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## BigandTallSection (Feb 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Expand on the sex sites.
> 
> Were you soliciting sex online? Were you watching adult films? Please explain further.


I watched adult films, also went to a site where they have live web cams and you can chat with women, or hook up a webcam and have cybersex.

I didn't interact, contact anyone, masturbate with anyone or hook up a webcam.

It sounds wierd but I didn't find it sexually arousing and the women I saw on there were not as attractive as my wife. 

I dont know if I went there for some type of psychological satisfaction knowing that I was doing something I should not be doing or why exactly I was there.


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## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

My husband and I have been having a few issues lately...both of us at fault in different ways. One night when he thought I was asleep he decided to go to a strip club since he couldn't sleep. When I woke up and he wasn't home I of course went into detective mode! Went through his phone and looked at his computer. Didn't find anything strange on his phone...but I did find a dating website that he had registerd for and said he was alot younger than he actually is. As far as I can tell he hasn't answered any messages. He thinks I mad about the strip club...I don't like the fact that he went but thats not the problem - I am extremely hurt that he would even think about checking out a dating website....I love him so much that what ever it takes to get past this I will but it will take time. Just tell her your sorry and you know you hurt her but that you won't do it again...but only if you mean it.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm not sure what you mean by "lazy"

Have you been suffering from a long term chronic condition (it sounds like it) Then as you probably know inaction leads to overall declining health which will in turn effect your sexual health

Why are you living in separate rooms? Are you on the road to recovery from your health problems?


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## BigandTallSection (Feb 28, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by "lazy"
> 
> Have you been suffering from a long term chronic condition (it sounds like it) Then as you probably know inaction leads to overall declining health which will in turn effect your sexual health
> 
> Why are you living in separate rooms? Are you on the road to recovery from your health problems?


a couple of years back I started feeling burning and stinging in my hands. I started feeling weak and when I would walk it would be an awkward type of walk. The doctor couldn't figure it out. The doctor said he thought I may have a brain tumor. I was worried I might be diagnosed with ALS.

After a neck and brain scan, doctor's concluded that at 38 years old I had degenerative disc disease and that 2 discs in my neck were protruding causing the nerve canal between my brain and my body to narrow, strangling the nerves and causing the problems I was having. The surgery I had replaced those two discs with cadaver bones and they inserted a titanium plate in the front of my neck to help stabilize it. The surgery has stopped me from getting worse, but the scarring to the nerve tissues has not healed.

We stopped sleeping in the same room because my wife snores loudly which keeps me up and because when I fall asleep sometimes I will start violently thrashing my body around the bed as well as snoring and/or humming and singing loudly which awakens her and keeps her up.

It has become habit for my wife to fall asleep on the little cot inside the study while watching films/ documentaries or listening to radio shows.

She has asked me to stay in there with her and fall asleep but the programs will keep me awake and I'm not comfortable on the little cot.


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## BigandTallSection (Feb 28, 2012)

I guess what I really need help with is restoring trust in my relationship. What steps are needed to take to bring back the trust, intimacy and closeness.


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