# Wife's work xmas party is soon



## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

This will be the 7th year of being "black balled" from wifey's xmas work party b/c her (toxic) friend decided "no husbands" allowed b/c hers' got really drunk and caused a problem there. I was included in this b/c I was hanging with him at the time of the event, but I didn't in anyway involve myself in to what happened. I feel because I was around him at the time, that was included in this nonsense of not being invited. 

So my wife's friend decided many years back "no hubbies" allowed. My wife agrees to this, and now this year (7 years on); I seemed to take it personal about not going (once again). She asked "why do you make a big deal about going? It's only going to be the people from work. You'll be the only guy there. No one else is bringing their husbands." 

It's at a hall that's attached to a regular bar. So I'm thinking of going to spend that night with my kids at a very close relatives house. I don't even want to see her getting all dressed up and looking good to go out while I stay home to be the babysitter for the night. I'm tired of it. 7 years of staying home knowing she's dressed amazing and not being able to be by her side makes me feel sad. When I think about it we don't share these social events a whole lot where the both of us are dressed up and having fun (other than a wedding from time to time). 

Throughout the years of this, I put the kids to bed, I'm sitting home bored out of my mind just feeling horrible about wanting to be out there with her as a couple. I'm tired of it, and I feel that I should just leave before I have to be home watching her get all dressed up looking hot while I stay home. It hurts. 

I feel that by leaving early to go to a relatives over night will avoid my hurt feelings, and I won't have to be home to see her leave so sexy or even come home to me feeling sad. I just want to be done of these moments that are 7 years strong. I feel it's important to go to causal gatherings together as a couple. We will see.


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

weathermakernj said:


> It's at a hall that's attached to a regular bar. So I'm thinking of going to spend that night with my kids at a very close relatives house. I don't even want to see her getting all dressed up and looking good to go out while I stay home to be the babysitter for the night. I'm tired of it. 7 years of staying home knowing she's dressed amazing and not being able to be by her side makes me feel sad. When I think about it we don't share these social events a whole lot where the both of us are dressed up and having fun (other than a wedding from time to time).
> 
> Throughout the years of this, I put the kids to bed, I'm sitting home bored out of my mind just feeling horrible about wanting to be out there with her as a couple. I'm tired of it, and I feel that I should just leave before I have to be home watching her get all dressed up looking hot while I stay home. It hurts.


Have you told her that? If you did and she still tells you it's no big deal tell her it IS a big deal for you. Your feelings are being ignored and you are being neglected somewhat in this situation and that is relly not good. Not for you or your marriage. The more negative feeling you gather up the bigger the blowout will be later in the marriage when you finally snap. That does happen quite often really.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

It's a work Christmas party. Man up, and get over it. 

If you feel so bad about her being dressed up and not being able to be by her side, do something About it. Get a few couple friends over and have your own work party. 

Frankly I couldn't stand a lot of my wife's coworkers.


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

I have brought it to her attention. I think what bothers me of the fact that she's going looking very hot, and I'm stuck as "Mr. Mom." So I think by just going elsewhere where while she's getting ready alone and NOT being able to say "goodbye" or kiss the kids good night would send the message home to her. I'm not going to sit around anymore while she dances the night away. I know it's just a work party but I'm tired of being home doing nothing once the kids are in bed. It blows, and 7 years of this has ran its' course. If her friend doesn't want her husband to go why does my wife have to jump on that idea, and single me out of it as well. It's not too cool. If I got dressed up in a suit, and told her I'm going to a causal party, and I'll be back later she'd feel sad as well. Maybe I should do that. haha.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do she toxic friends run the company? If the company allows spouses to go then go. If not will it kill her to not go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think its rude not to invite you once in seven years. I don't buy the whole you can't go because the friend says so either. She is an adult, her friends don't have mind control over her. She must really not want you there.

Honestly getting dressed up and going out is exactly what I would do.


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

Yea you do that. Why not? If she can do it why can't you? Arrange or go to a party yourself. Dress up as best as you can and go home as late as you can. Maybe do it on a different day so that she would have to stay home with the kids while you go out to have fun alone. She if she likes it.

Or go at the same time. Hire a babysitter for the night or have their grandparents look after them(if they live nearby).

ORRR do as Al Bundy and join the NO MA'AM club and go out with the members. I mean... if she can go to a no hubbies allowed party, well then... I say maybe you can do the no wifeys allowed activities with your buddies too huh?


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

I'm thinking of taking the route of getting dressed up and going to another event or xmas party w/o her. I'm not looking to play games I'm trying to set an example. I find it to be very unfair that her friend made this rule 7 years ago, and it still applies. Who the hell is she? I am going to suit it up and go out on one of these nights. I'm not sure how effective doing this the same exact night is but I will arrange to go to some type of event dressed in a suit, and say "...I'll be back later on..." bye bye. It's just a matter of example. I'm tired of being left home while she enjoys causal events that don't include me.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It's one night a year. Sack up and get over it.

I bet you look really sexy whining and moping around the house all week leading up to the party. Let her have a good time with her coworkers.


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

I would do just that but 7 years straight is a long run for not going out dressed to kill together. It's getting old.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How is your relationship otherwise?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> I would do just that but 7 years straight is a long run for not going out dressed to kill together. It's getting old.


'Cause that one night a year is the only night you can go out dressed up together for a night on the town?

You're joking, right? 

I'm not going to write six paragraphs of instructions on how to treat your wife. If you want to go out with her for a date night, and you damn well better once in a while if you want to keep her, then do so. Or would you just rather kvetch about this one night?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Read weather maker's other thread-this "toxic friend" is the same one that is trying to get his W to go as wingman on GNO's, and is trying to sour his W on the "prison" of being married.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

The party isn't the problem.

Get dressed up with your wife and take her out another time.

That party is a work thing. 

Your hurt is a marriage issue that has nothing to do with this party where you are unwelcome. 

You're confusing two entirely different issues. 

IMO your being childish about wanting to go to a party where you are not wanted by the host and it seems you ought to grow up and address the real issue which is obvious from your post.

Date your wife (dressed up) where you are welcome


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You should stop pvssy footing around and get some issues straight with your wife. 
You are obviously uncomfortable with your wife boundaries.
You both need to communicate often about how to care for each others emotions and other needs.
I like my wife to go out and have a good time, but if she was telling me I couldn't go and getting all "hotty" for a gno with a woman who wants her to be a "wingman" for a bar scene, I would not stand for it.

There would be no moping, complaining, or smothering in my misery.
You need to deal with these issues in your life with your wife or continue to live in misery.
My wife btw, has had numerous opportunities and invitations for girls only activities. She almost never goes because she really wants to be with me and she even sometimes chews people out for setting up activities that exclude husbands.
Clamp down on your life and communicate all the time with your wife. Take care.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

If my wife had a work party, I'd be happy to stay home with the kids. Means she's going out to have a good time, and allowing the kids and I to relax. Plus, it gives me brownie points to accumulate when I have to work late (not that it matters, but she does acknowledge it).


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

So instead of telling your wife you'd rather be passive aggressive and "show her what it's like". 

Your trying to trade tit for tat. That's manipulative. Man up. Tell her what's bothering you and be a man of action.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

What kind of party is it, all the women get dressed up super sexy & hang out together? No men at all? If there are any men there I would be extremely upset not to be invited. Is it a little clique of women that have decided their husbands can't go? Childish of the toxic friend & your wife to go along with it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why don't you and your wife ever get dressed up and go out? 

Don't you date your wife? 

Are you hurt and jealous because her toxic friend wants to take her out and you don't?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> So my wife's friend decided many years back "no hubbies" allowed. My wife agrees to this, and now this year (7 years on); I seemed to take it personal about not going (once again). She asked "why do you make a big deal about going? *It's only going to be the people from work.* *You'll be the only guy there. No one else is bringing their husbands.*"


So are you expecting your wife to bring you even though no one else is bringing husbands and there will be no other men there and you aren't actually invited? 

Or are you expecting her to somehow magically change the company policy that has been in place for 7 years so that men/husbands are invited?

Or are you expecting her to stay home and not go to the company holiday party?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cletus said:


> It's one night a year. Sack up and get over it.
> 
> I bet you look really sexy whining and moping around the house all week leading up to the party. Let her have a good time with her coworkers.


Sorry if my old lady wanted to go with out me then she can be single and she can go out every night of the year.

I mean what is she thinking??? she knows damn well how you feel and yet she attends!

I had a life full of disrespect (19 years to be exact) and these days my old lady can take it or leave it but I will command respect on what I will and will not tolerate, just like she has the exact same choice as I do..."take it of leave it"

Mrs. the-guy knows I would "leave it"...it just ain't worth it.

I dropped my guard down before I'm am not going to do it again.

I offer protection for the marriage and she can except this protect or not.

And yes I am controling...I know what happens when I stop!


At the end of the day your old lady has to make the choice to attend or not...its what you do and taking the kids away for a visit for more then a day...lets say a few days and give her a taste of what she could be losing if she continues to play on this slippery slope.

I think its an excellent idea to get out of the house.

Why should you have to reassure her looks, or zip up her dress or help her with her shoes??? when you don't even get to enjoy a night out with her.

Let her get ready on her own and let her come home to an empty house (if she comes home alone). Let her nurse her own hang over the next morning.

Whats sad is once she gets to the party she will have other guys doing things for her like getting her drinks and pulling her chair out, and standing up when she walks up to a table....CRAP HER HUSBAND SHOULD BE DOING!


Sorry for the rant bro but after 7 yrs you don't have much ground to stand on. That time has past seven years ago.

Get the hell out of there for the weekend! That is something you do have control over. Line up a babysitter for the night of the party and inform her she is more then welcome to join you and becuase at the end of the day you don't give two sh1ts about an event that you are not invited to!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This isn't even an office party its at a bar!!!!! A bar with lots of coworkers.

Sorry folks ..not a big fan of GNO... and thats what this is a GNO with flare.

Again sorry for the rant, but thats what happens when I leave the CWI section of this form:lol:


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## Boogiemaster (Oct 11, 2012)

Does your wife's toxic friend run your marriage or you?

Tell her your taking her out and your night out as a husband and wife is far more important.

If she wants to go to the Christmas party instead of your night out then you know her toxic friend runs your marriage not you.

And I know lots of toxic friends who have ruined marriages and their marriages have all ended in divorce.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

weathermakernj said:


> So my wife's friend decided many years back "no hubbies" allowed. My wife agrees to this, and now this year (7 years on); I seemed to take it personal about not going (once again). She asked "why do you make a big deal about going? It's only going to be the people from work. You'll be the only guy there. No one else is bringing their husbands."


Is the toxic friend also your wifes boss? Are there no men working at this company?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> Are there no men working at this company?


Female owned brothel? Strip club? :smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What do you mean by dance the night away? Is she dancing with other men at this thing? Sounds more like gno than an office party. Is this just an excuse to get slvtty without husbands?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

the guy said:


> I offer protection for the marriage and she can except this protect or not.
> 
> And yes I am controling...I know what happens when I stop!


Far be it from me to tell you to behave differently if you can find a willing spouse for that kind of relationship.

Just don't be surprised that most women, and no women to whom I would want to be married, will put up with it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Boogiemaster said:


> Does your wife's toxic friend run your marriage or you?
> 
> Tell her your taking her out and your night out as a husband and wife is far more important.
> 
> ...


That's what's known in the vernacular as a **** test.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

weathermakernj said:


> This will be the 7th year of being "black balled" from wifey's xmas work party b/c her (toxic) friend decided "no husbands" allowed b/c hers' got really drunk and caused a problem there. I was included in this b/c I was hanging with him at the time of the event, but I didn't in anyway involve myself in to what happened. I feel because I was around him at the time, that was included in this nonsense of not being invited.


What exactly happened? What you wrote is pretty vague.


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

Her toxic friend is now her work supervisor
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

weathermakernj said:


> I'm not going to sit around anymore while she dances the night away.


If you would be the only male there if you went with her, who is she going to dance the night away with?


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

My partner goes to a christmas party for work and the husbands / partners have not been invited. The workplace is nearly 100% female (there is one male in the local office, but I highly doubt this guy would go out to the christmas dinner, the guy acts very intimidated by women).

They go out to a regular restaruant for their party / meal (like olive garden) and are there for a couple hours or so. They don't get dressed up, at most she might change into jeans or something like that.

They exchange little gifts at the party / dinner and spouses would likely feel a bit out of place.

If there are male and female co-workers at this party then it would seem like the spouses would be less likely to feel out of place. In your case, since you went to this in the past, It seems that men are not out of place at the event.

The ways your talking about protesting this exclusion from the party are all pretty passive aggressive. I'd strongly suggest sitting down for a serious one on one conversation about how you feel about the situation and why your wife wants to go to this event without you (as well as why she won't stand up to this "friend" if that is the root of this problem).


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

In the end, I'm going to my close relatives house for the night with the kids. I'm going to enjoy some family time and not be around for her while she's getting all dressed up or anything. 

I'm just tired of not being out together well dressed as a couple. I want to do things as a couple and not just as parents. I want to "date" my wife again and feel good about being out with her instead of one of us being out and one of us being home.


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## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: Wife's work xmas party is soon*



weathermakernj said:


> In the end, I'm going to my close relatives house for the night with the kids. I'm going to enjoy some family time and not worry be around for her to get all dressed up or anything. I'm just tired of not being out well dressed as a couple. I want to do things as a couple and not just parents. I want to "date" my wife again and feel good being out with her in stead of one of us being out and one of us being home.


Then why not setup a time and do date nights if this is something you want?

What does this have to do with the office christmas party? Why does the office party stop you from having your own date nights?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It's once a year. Seriously. Seven times in seven years. Dress up and go out with her on one of the other 363 nights in the year.

And you're not babysitting. You're being a parent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm still very curious as to what happened at that first Christmas party you mentioned that totally changed the way the parties were handled. And you aren't saying, so it's weird.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude, is there something more going on? You make it sound like its more then just the xmas party. Or is just like me and mine and the only time I put a suit on and her an evening gown is at the Co. xmas party?
You make it sounds like she goes out a lot with out you?

Sorry folks I just don't get it.
Why can't OP go to this party not as a husband but as a best friend, lover, an escort?????
Why does she get to go drink and dance the night away...even if it just one night...its that one night were the husband gets the 'ol " I didn;t mean it to happen" or " we were both drunk it ment nothing"...

OP I hope I don't see a post next week about how distant your wife has become after the xmas party.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Mrs Wysh goes on works only parties/events quite often, as do I. She has gone on 3 or 4 in the last 3 months I've gone on 1.

It's no biggie.

Is there some other reason you are worried?

It's not as if she comes staggering home with her knickers in her pocket I assume?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Because his wife's boss has said no partners. Because her own husband acted like an idiot. 

I don't go to my husband's Christmas parties. He doesn't go to mine. It's normal.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

weathermakernj said:


> I'm just tired of not being out together well dressed as a couple. I want to do things as a couple and not just as parents. I want to "date" my wife again and feel good about being out with her instead of one of us being out and one of us being home.


I don't get this. I really don't. Lots of folks here are telling you to pick any one of the other 364 days of the year and take your wife out on a date.

Drop the kids off with family for the night. Get reservations at a swanky restaurant. Reserve a nice motel room for the night, preferably one with a Jacuzzi.

Why are you playing the victim here?

Won't your wife agree to go out with you on a dress-up date?

Something just doesn't add up ...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

"The more you tighten your grip, the more starsystems will slip through your fingers".


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I just read this thread to my husband and he says he has no idea why you'd want to go to something like this, esp if you're going to be the only man there. He suggests that the reason the other husband got so drunk he acted like an idiot is because he couldn't take all the yammering of a room full of women. I'm going to meet a bunch of women tonight for a friends birthday and he says he has no desire to listen to us; he'll be home drinking beer and watching football.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> In the end, I'm going to my close relatives house for the night with the kids. I'm going to enjoy some family time and not be around for her while she's getting all dressed up or anything.
> 
> *I'm just tired of not being out together well dressed as a couple.* I want to do things as a couple and not just as parents. I want to "date" my wife again and feel good about being out with her instead of one of us being out and one of us being home.


This is really about dressing up? Really? Honestly, it sounds like there must be more to this. 

Because you and your wife can dress up any time and go out as a couple. ANY time. If you don't, that's 50% on you since you can make reservations and schedule a date any time.

I guess you're lucky that your wife doesn't have a job where her company frequently hosts formal customer events, or that she doesn't travel for work where they also have evening networking events, or worse yet, an event planner job where it actually is her job to plan and attend events like that.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

According to your words, you said that this party is connected to a bar. A few thoughts come to mind. I would assume there will be plenty of men in the bar next door. So, if that is true, being told that there will be no other husbands there is misleading. It suggests that only women will be at the party. Honestly, I can't imagine why the party wouldn't move into the bar; I would assume it would.

Further, while you might not be invited to the PARTY, there is nothing stopping you from going to the bar next door. Oh if you could be a fly on the wall there!


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Because his wife's boss has said no partners. Because her own husband acted like an idiot.
> 
> I don't go to my husband's Christmas parties. He doesn't go to mine. It's normal.


Oh I didn't get the "no partners" rule was made by the boss. I thought it was just a small subset of people not "allowed" to bring their partners.

I would skip xmas parties on some occasions but usually those are dinner or lunch work-only get togethers which are just super boring for the significant others. If my partners' party was being held at a bar and they were getting dressed up to go, and we didn't go out a lot together, I would really want to be included.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

OP is avoiding questions about men being there and the ladies dancing the night away.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> OP is avoiding questions about men being there and the ladies dancing the night away.
> 
> 
> weathermakernj said:
> ...


Sure does look that way. I don't think he's trolling though, I think he's just trying to slant the information he's giving us to manipulate the advice he gets to fit his agenda. Whatever that is.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

OP, why are you taking this sh1t if it doesn't make you comfortable? Why don't you just let her know that either you join her at the party or she can stay home. Either go as a married couple, as it should be, or not at all. You need to stand up for yourself if you feel strongly about it. Who gives a sh1t if the toxic friend is her boss.

Last Christmas season my wife's office had a holiday party and my wife decided to go for the time since she started working there. She told me no one was bringing spouses or SOs and she bought only one ticket. I thought about it for two days and then I said to her I want to go, please get me a ticket. Well a week goes by and there is no ticket. When I asked if she got it, she said I would be bored because it would be all office people. I said, if spouses are allowed, I'm going, with or without a ticket. I'll leave out all the back and forth but there was a lot of peer pressure amongst the women not to bring spouses. Even her a department director didn't bring her husband. In the end, I went, with a ticket. I don't care what the rules are, these types of events should be attended with spouses or not at all.

Having said that, stop playing games and appearing weak. If you don't like the situation, say and do something about it. If the party is in a public place like a Resturant, show up anyway and have a nice meal and a few drinks ... and don't be shy about letting her and her toxic friend know you are there.


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

I just would like to go out dressed up more as a couple instead of only at weddings and funerals. It sucks


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> I just would like to go out dressed up more as a couple instead of only at weddings and funerals. It sucks


So .... What are you going to do about it besides feel sorry for yourself? Have you confronted?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Is it just me or didn't "No spouse X-mas parties" go out with the "3 martini lunches" in the 70's and 80's?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Weathermaker, do you not have your own works party to go to?

I'm going on mine soon, we have a laugh, do secret Santa which usually involves stupid stuff. And my wife isn't invited, I go out have fun and then wobble home later.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think its rude not to invite you once in seven years. I don't buy the whole you can't go because the friend says so either. She is an adult, her friends don't have mind control over her. She must really not want you there.
> 
> Honestly getting dressed up and going out is exactly what I would do.


If it is not "Company Policy" Just to make a point Call her out on it
Get a sitter and go out on your own.

Toxic friends scare the sh!t out of me

Screw her if it makes her sad


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

I'm self employed / successful. I work for myself. I don't have anything such as a company party. What really sucks if my mother is having her holiday party that night and my wife is all defensive about me changing the day b/c she already planned to go to this company xmas party.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Is it just me or didn't "No spouse X-mas parties" go out with the "3 martini lunches" in the 70's and 80's?


We still do them.

The ones that I do go out to with my wife I end up getting bored because they often yack about work.

I then start wine sweeping and end up pretty merry.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> I'm self employed / successful. I work for myself. I don't have anything such as a company party. What really sucks if my mother is having her holiday party that night and my wife is all defensive about me changing the day b/c she already planned to go to this company xmas party.


Please answer this question: why don't you just say to her: "Either I go with you or you aren't going"?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So you never go out dressed up with your wife, OP?

Not for your anniversary, either of your birthdays, or for Valentine's Day?

I'd say that's far more of a problem than the work party. It seems no one is putting any effort into actually having a relationship, so you put all that angst onto her "toxic friend" because, let's be honest - the "toxic friend" is better at dating your wife than you are. Your trump card seems to be what an amazing lover you are (as you mention on your other thread.) 



> Why does she get to go drink and dance the night away...even if it just one night...its that one night were the husband gets the 'ol " I didn;t mean it to happen" or " we were both drunk it ment nothing"...


Again, who is this "dancing the night away" happening with? And if you can't trust someone to not be in your sight 100% of the time without randomly getting drunk and sleeping with people, why did you marry them?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Please answer this question: why don't you just say to her: "Either I go with you or you aren't going"?


What if she go's ? Then he has a new problem.

Not sure he is ready for that .


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Please answer this question: why don't you just say to her: "Either I go with you or you aren't going"?


Meaning? He should physically prevent her from going?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> What if she go's ? Then he has a new problem.
> 
> Not sure he is ready for that .


I would just show up there anyway, ticket or no ticket. I believe he said it was a public place. WHY ARE SO MANY GUYS SCARED SH1TLESS OF THEIR WIVES!


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

See that was the battle last night. If I said to my mother that my family WILL be there at her family Christmas party

My wife would be mad she couldn't go to her party. If I told my mother we're not going to make it b/c of her company party. My mother would be upset. So I got into this whole big dumb thing last night about the conflict of my mother's chirstmas party and my wife's christmas party. I felt stuck b/w the two. If i go without my wife that's gonna look bad for her (which she said to me) but I'm thinking in the end I should just go to my mothers, and screw her and her toxic friends. Let her have fun while I spend time at my mothers. ??? Not sure


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Meaning? He should physically prevent her from going?


There are lots of ways you can prevent someone from going, including not being around (last minute) to take care of the kids. Remove one wire from the car so it doesn't start. Get in the car and go with her. He has to put his foot down if this is eating at him.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Remove one wire from the car so it doesn't start.


And there we go. It seems this suggestion, or something like it comes up in nearly any thread where a wife is doing something a husband doesn't like. That he should start tampering with the car or refuse to involve himself with his children to prove a point. 

And women are the ones who $h!t test people?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> And there we go. It seems this suggestion, or something like it comes up in nearly any thread where a wife is doing something a husband doesn't like. That he should start tampering with the car or refuse to involve himself with his children to prove a point.
> 
> And women are the ones who $h!t test people?


Yes, women $h!t test all the time. This is not a $h!t test though, it's an F You.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> See that was the battle last night. If I said to my mother that my family WILL be there at her family Christmas party
> 
> My wife would be mad she couldn't go to her party. If I told my mother we're not going to make it b/c of her company party. My mother would be upset. So I got into this whole big dumb thing last night about the conflict of my mother's chirstmas party and my wife's christmas party. I felt stuck b/w the two. If i go without my wife that's gonna look bad for her (which she said to me) but I'm thinking in the end I should just go to my mothers, and screw her and her toxic friends. Let her have fun while I spend time at my mothers. ??? Not sure


No question. Take the kids & go to your moms party. You & the kids are not invited to her event, she shouldn't get a say on what you do that night.

I still want to know what kind of work party this is. Are there just a handful of employees? Is it a structured event with catering, etc? Are there NO men at this company??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I wouldn't mind my wife going to an employee only party. But a company party that has company sponsored dancing but no spouses allowed is a non starter.


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

It's mostly female staff however some bring their husbands and others don't. It's catered and the bar has a DJ / live band. The cratering is in a different part of the building which than closes where everyone than goes to the bar which is open to public.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> I just would like to go out dressed up more as a couple instead of only at weddings and funerals. It sucks


OP, you have a bigger problem than you can admit, if you can't figure out how to just get dressed up and go out. 

Do you not see yourself playing the victim here?

Perhaps that is why your W is going out more with he BF than you?

You've been posting and reading here a while, have you read NMMNG or MMSLP yet?


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## weathermakernj (Nov 24, 2013)

I haven't' read it; Please up date me


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> It's mostly female staff however some bring their husbands and others don't. It's catered and the bar has a DJ / live band. The cratering is in a different part of the building which than closes where everyone than goes to the bar which is open to public.


Ok so some of the staff do bring the husbands. Who made the rule that your wife doesn't bring her husband? How many people are involved in this pact to exclude their partners? It sounds very petty & childish.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How are you going to handle it then? 


As suggested by wonderful TAM-ers, I'll repeat to wonder why you and your wife don't go out on dates more often where you can both dress up? And communicate your needs without being passive aggressive - which is also putting into action going on these dates together. Making an effort for one another and having consideration. 

A couple of the posters have asked you good questions in attempt to help you - which you don't seem to have answered. What the situation was that meant the 'great banning of the husbands' and how your relationship is otherwise?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> I haven't' read it; Please up date me


Here. It's not hard to understand...

No More Mr Nice Guy

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 Athol Kay

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> It's mostly female staff however some bring their husbands and others don't.


First it was no one is bringing husbands, but now you're saying that some will be bringing their husbands? 

I'm going to go out on a wild limb here and guess that you and your wife do not communicate very well. I'm having a lot of trouble understanding what you're trying to say.

And I'm puzzled that you won't respond to any of the suggestions that you plan an evening out with your wife where you can both dress up if that's what is important to you here and what makes you sad. Why can't you do that? Do you think she wouldn't want to go out with you? That she wouldn't be interested in a date night at a special restaurant, or perhaps an evening at a concert or play...it's Christmas, surely you can find a lovely event for you and your wife to attend.



> I'm self employed / successful. I work for myself. I don't have anything such as a company party.


Maybe this would be a great time to start a new tradition, and have a holiday party for your customers and vendors?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> And there we go. It seems this suggestion, or something like it comes up in nearly any thread where a wife is doing something a husband doesn't like. That he should start tampering with the car or refuse to involve himself with his children to prove a point.
> 
> And women are the ones who $h!t test people?


Oh please! That's just misleading rhetoric and you know it. This is becoming a wedge issue for him so why should he cooperate and make it easy for her to got out without him. Trying to prevent it is perfectly legitimate as far as I'm concerned. I just don't see how going out socially without one's spouse is appropriate. Trying to prevent it from happening is not a sh1t test. I'll tell you what a sh1t test is. A sh1t test is: I'm going out without you and if you don't like it, well that's too damn bad.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WHAT HAPPENED AT THE FIRST XMAS PARTY that caused all of this?

If this is linked to your other thread-did her friend's husband cheat on her AT that particular Xmas party? And now you hate her friend cause she got cheated on AND because the way the company parties are held ever since that scenario? 

I am just trying to fit the puzzle pieces together.

I tend to think you do not want to answer because maybe something along those lines DID happen.

Did the friend say you were involved in some way? By association? So this is why you hate the friend?

I should be a detective! 



Cletus said:


> "The more you tighten your grip, the more starsystems will slip through your fingers".


I just want to say that I really really love this quote! :smthumbup:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

In the past, my husband and I have been to each others' work xmas party together. One place I worked was an annual black-tie dinner with spouses but these days it seems more common place (including with large companies), to not include spouses. This year, both mine and hubs' were held at public venues / bars. Spouses weren't invited. I stayed about 3hours then met up with hubs afterwards. There was no questionable behavior... as far as I know, at least. I left at the point when people were starting to get buzzed. 

I wore my stilettos to the xmas party simply because I knew I'd be meeting hubs afterwards. I had to walk in them further than anticipated to hail a cab and by the time I met him, my feet were hurting. We met for a late-night bite and drinks. He asked, "Do you want to put your comfy shoes on?" haha... I balanced against him while changing into sneakers. Ah, the comforts of being married. 

Given your wife's scenario, I'd likely include (or he might suggest) for my husband to join us at the public bar afterwards.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I should be a detective!


heheh... she's hot on the trail!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)




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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Still wondering why you can't go out dressed up with your wife on any other day.

And your story's moving around under fire a little bit too.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

weathermakernj said:


> It's mostly female staff however some bring their husbands and others don't. It's catered and the bar has a DJ / live band. The cratering is in a different part of the building which than closes where everyone than goes to the bar which is open to public.



Dude other husbands are there, but because your wife's supervisor doesn't want men there, you're not invited? Sorry, you have a much deeper problem with your wife and her supervisor


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> It's mostly female staff however some bring their husbands and others don't. It's catered and the bar has a DJ / live band. The cratering is in a different part of the building which than closes where everyone than goes to the bar which is open to public.



This is bullsnot! It wouldn't happen in my house brother! No bars without each other.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> And there we go. It seems this suggestion, or something like it comes up in nearly any thread where a wife is doing something a husband doesn't like. That he should start tampering with the car or refuse to involve himself with his children to prove a point.
> 
> And women are the ones who $h!t test people?



Yep, it does seem that it's only a matter of time before the "control your b!tch" crowd arrives. My ex hb tried that; please notice the EX part.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

OP:

What's your angle here? You claim that you just can't handle seeing her get dressed up to go out without you and how badly you want to go out dressed up together. Numerous people ask why you don't arrange for a date night one of the 364 other days of the year and you completely fail to address them. 

So how about it? When was the last time you arranged for the type of night out you say you want? If you want it so bad, why don't you take action and make it happen?

Why does your story change? Originally it was that there was a rule that no one could bring a spouse. Then, well, some people do. Get this through your head. The friend is not the problem. Your wife does not want you there. If she did, you would be going. Period.

My guess is that this is all a smoke screen. You are afraid the friend will show her what you know is missing in your marriage. Your afraid that this woman will be the catalyst for your wife to start demanding better. You want the status quo to stand and she is a threat to that. You don't really care abut getting dressed up and going out together, you just want to make sure that she doesn't do it without you.

So, I'll ask again. When was the last time you arranged a date of the type you profess to want?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yep, it does seem that it's only a matter of time before the "control your b!tch" crowd arrives. My ex hb tried that; please notice the EX part.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't see how. The more the OP posts the less sense the whole scenario makes. He has a lot of anger towards the boss/friend but really hasn't provided enough info to justify why he feels so negatively about her.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

weathermakernj said:


> I just would like to go out dressed up more as a couple instead of only at weddings and funerals. It sucks


I agree with almost all here. You should be allowed to go. Christmas and the mere spirit of the holiday would not in anyway be thought of to be a good reason to party with out my spouse.
If there is a small office that is having a dinner (paid for by the company) for just the employees, then I think it is borderline acceptable at best, but to a bar, getting dressed, hot and sexy. Ummm, No way. 

There is also the complaining I am hearing from you about not going out dressed up but for the random, wedding, funeral. Let me put this the way you need to hear this.
You would not be as insecure about your marriage if you were being more of a boyfriend then a Dad. I say boyfriend because that is what she wants,they all do. You not taking her out, is on you. You hate her being out having fun with out you because you know damn well she needs to go out and let loose adult style. She never gets to do it. This is great ammunition for her toxic, boss, friend. She can go out to a bar and remind your wife there is actually fun to be had out there and some dancing, drinks is just what she needs. You are afraid your wife will bite. You should be. So man up, and change. Be her boyfriend. 
Her Husband and the kids father are their for support and love, her boyfriend is proud to have her on his arm, takes her out to show her off, and knows what buttons to push to get her skirt up. You are H and dad, and you need to become all to her.


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Well the reason for the OP not to accompany his wife to the Xmas party by her supervisor or her friend is this thread by the OP.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/144105-wifes-close-friend-toxic.html


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

My Christmas night out is 20th December and so is Hubby's. We don't get invited to each other's work nights out, and our Christmas nights out always seem to be on the same night, so we don't see each other til we get home.

I will be getting dressed up to the nines, it's the one time of the year when I really go to town, and it's a shame that Hubby wont get to see me until I stagger through the door in the early hours of Saturday morning very much the worse for wear.

Hubby doesn't get jealous at all about me getting dressed up and going out, he trusts me and knows I'm not going to get up to anything, he will get home before me and will no doubt wait up for me so he can take full advantage of me when I get home


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

The solution is so simple, you all are going to s.h.i.t yourselves for not thinking of it first.



weathermakernj said:


> It's at a hall that's attached to a regular bar.


You and the hubbies show up at the bar for your own little Christmas party.

Did everyone ignore the ONE poster that brought up the fact that this (married) toxic friend wants his wife to help her pick up men at bars? Dude. Get it in your head and the heads of all of the other husbands that there is going to be MAJOR inappropriate behavior at that bar this night. VERY inappropriate.

Nip it, dude. You would be CRAZY to let this GNO happen. It is going to be some night without the cats there. All of those s.l.u.t.t.y mice out to party...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Oh, and although you didn't answer us in your other thread, I can now see that your wife was looking forward to being her wingman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> I don't see how. The more the OP posts the less sense the whole scenario makes. He has a lot of anger towards the boss/friend but really hasn't provided enough info to justify why he feels so negatively about her.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A bar? At a Christmas party?! That is pure evil! ::sarcasm::


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## RAN (Oct 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:


You did not read the other thread of the OP.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

In which he claimed that the reason this friend is encouraging the wife into poor behavior because she's secretly jealous of the OP's amazing skills as a lover.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RAN said:


> You did not read the other thread of the OP.


Yes, I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> In which he claimed that the reason this friend is encouraging the wife into poor behavior because she's secretly jealous of the OP's amazing skills as a lover.


 Right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If the OP manages his communications with his wife the same way he manages the communications on these threads, that goes a long way in explaining why he is having these issues with his wife and his feelings of resentment. It seems he can't convey an issue, explain himself and think through working something out.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> There are lots of ways you can prevent someone from going, including not being around (last minute) to take care of the kids. Remove one wire from the car so it doesn't start. Get in the car and go with her. He has to put his foot down if this is eating at him.


And if she's a better mechanic than you, then what? Bomb threat? Knife to the neck? Slit your wrists in a cry for help?

Once your relationship gets to the point that you're sabotaging your spouse's car, it's already game over.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

A. Your're a "Dad" not a babysitter. Keeping an eye on 'em goes with the job sometimes.

B. Instead of moping around the house all night, do something fun with the kids. Make it a night that all of you look forward to without her. 

C If she looks that freakin' hot goin' out:
1. Take her out more
2. Tell her she looks hot AND you'll be waiting up to unwrap an early Christmas present.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

weathermakernj said:


> So I got into this whole big dumb thing last night about the conflict of my mother's chirstmas party and my wife's christmas party. I felt stuck b/w the two.


So, your wife's company has an office party where husbands are allowed, but her immediate supervisor wants her group of gal pals to swear off bringing anyone. Hoes before bros. I get it.

Personally, I fail to see how going to your mother's party without your wife makes her look worse than telling your mother that you can't come to her party because your wife insists that you stay home while she is partying with her gal pals. I think your wife looks better by allowing you to have a social engagement with your own family.

But, you have to decide these things for yourself.

Good luck.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Initially you said that there are no spouses there. Now you say that some bring them. I can definitely say that in that case my wife would stand up and say that she is bringing her husband like it or not. If there are other spouses in attendance, I think your wife should stand up for you if you want to come, but if no spouses are in attendance then you need to just suck it up. 

What about meeting her at the bar for dancing after the cattered meal is over?

BTW. There are like 51 other weekends left in the year to date your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

-Seems like your wife is toying with you a bit here... "You can't come to my party: no boys allowed... Well... SOME boys, but not you or my buddy's husbands. But, you can't go to the family Christmas party without me. That will reflect poorly on me."

-Like everybody else around here, I hear you saying you want to take her out all dressed up. I get that. So do it the rest of the time. I bet if you took her more often, whisked her off her feet and made her feel confident in your love and passion for her, you'd have more confidence in her, too.

-From what I've read, I wouldn't like the influence of your wife's friend here. This makes it even more important that you don't fall into the stereotype and be controlling through "You're not going and that's that!" or "Fine... Go... Have a good time... Without me... Your husband... Don't worry about me... I''ll be alright..." Either way, if that woman is talking in her ear or trying to lead her down the primrose path, you're not helping your case.

-Good luck to you!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> In which he claimed that the reason this friend is encouraging the wife into poor behavior because she's secretly jealous of the OP's amazing skills as a lover.


I think you missed the flow of the thread. In post #15, Anon Pink suggested that the OP be a better "lover, husband, and friend." In post #89, the OP used Anon Pink's exact phrase and said he didn't want anyone who "may feel jealous of me as a lover, husband, and friend to step in b/w my wife and I." In post #91, you jump in and accuse the OP of being such a narcissist that he claims the toxic friend is jealous of his sexual skill.

Apparently, you not only missed Anon Pink's post where she was the one to introduce the phrase you object to, but you missed the OP's qualifier of "may," even though you quoted it in your post. :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No he said he thought the friend was jealous of him as a lover and husband unless he went back and changed what he wrote. He also never said the wife/friend wanted to be a "wingman." That was his interpretation. And in this thread he first said "no husbands" and later changed it to some husbands and still won't answer the question of what crazy thinh happened at the first Xmas party. Can't help me like we are being put on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> No he said he thought the friend was jealous of him as a lover and husband unless he went back and changed what he wrote.


I quoted his words. I'll do it again.
"I value what I have with my wife, and I don't want others whom may feel jealous of me as a lover, husband, and friend to step in b/w my wife and I."
Please take note of Anon Pink's phrasing and the qualifier "may." Also, the post doesn't state at the bottom that it has been edited. Perhaps you were merely relying on Starstarfish's representation of what he wrote rather than his actual words.



> He also never said the wife/friend wanted to be a "wingman." That was his interpretation.


Yes. It was his interpretation. Perhaps it was a reasonable interpretation. I'm sure that, if the toxic friend asked his wife to accompany her to church, or to the library, or to a Junior League meeting, or to come over to her house, or to talk on the phone, he wouldn't have interpreted her invitation as one to be her wingman. Wingmen pretty much operate in bars, where the toxic friend wanted to go.



> And in this thread he first said "no husbands" and later changed it to some husbands and still won't answer the question of what crazy thinh happened at the first Xmas party. Can't help me like we are being put on.


Yes, he initially said no husbands, and then he changed it to say that some husbands were coming, but his wife's immediate supervisor wanted no husbands, so his wife was acceding to her demands. That doesn't seem to be the makings of a conspiracy to me.

As for the actions of the toxic friend's husband at the original Christmas party, perhaps he feels that it's not relevant to why his wife wants to party at a bar with her toxic friend without him. Perhaps he feels that people only want to know out of voyeuristic curiosity and that he wants to deal with his wife and not his wife's toxic friend's husband.

Neither of us can really say.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> No he said he thought the friend was jealous of him as a lover and husband unless he went back and changed what he wrote. He also never said the wife/friend wanted to be a "wingman." That was his interpretation. And in this thread he first said "no husbands" and later changed it to some husbands and still won't answer the question of what crazy thinh happened at the first Xmas party. Can't help me like we are being put on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I though he said the husband of the woman who banned spouses got drunk and made an ass of his self, and the OP got labeled as part of the disturbance because of his close proximity to the drunk spouse. 

I still think he should show up at he bar for the dancing. The coworker can't bar him from that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Cletus said:


> And if she's a better mechanic than you, then what? Bomb threat? Knife to the neck? Slit your wrists in a cry for help?
> 
> Once your relationship gets to the point that you're sabotaging your spouse's car, it's already game over.


I'll agree with that one, but with less rhetoric and absurdity in your examples. The point I'm trying to make is that if something like this is that important to the guy, then he has to get in her face about it. If she is going to go anyway ... she is going to go. The point is that he has to make is "displeasure" about this known, and in no uncertain terms, and not just go along with it when she says I'm going anyway (I'm assuming now that this is becoming a wedge issue or deal breaker for him). One side or the other has to give, why should it be him? Was there any attempt at a compromise? Like someone else suggested; meeting after the party?

I'm coming from my perspective, where going to these types of events without one's spouse is not acceptable to me, under almost all circumstances. For me it's a near "deal breaker" and my own wife understands this (as I said in an earlier posting). I personally am not beyond disabling the car or not being home to watch the kids, (if they were young) or just showing up at the party uninvited, but that's just me. You see I'm afraid of very few things in life and I'm not timid or shy. For me, my wife going alone to a party (especially where where men, dancing and alcohol may be involved) is a near "deal breaker" and if my wife wants to leave me for my behavior when it happens or my attitude about it, then I'll be open to having that discussion with her .... because in my mind, the deal is already broken. 

From my perspective, being married means doing these things as a couple. If any spouse, man or woman, wants to do these things alone, then they should be single.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I'll agree with that one, but with less rhetoric and absurdity in your examples.


We'll just have to disagree then. 

I have the right to stop my wife from physically harming another human being, myself included, but little else. Married or not, she is still an autonomous person. If I don't like her actions, I have the right to make my displeasure known, and if push comes to shove, to remove myself from the situation and/or marriage if I find it necessary. I don't have to actively help her do things I find unacceptable, but I do have to stop at restraining her. I am her husband, not her leash holder, parole officer, or master.

I do not have the right to tamper with her vehicle, IMNHO. 



> From my perspective, being married means doing these things as a couple. If any spouse, man or woman, wants to do these things alone, then they should be single.


From my perspective, people who are so entwined and enmeshed that they can never have fun with friends without their spouse around are in an unhealthy relationship.

I am not and will never be all things to my wife. I may be an excellent father, good husband, decent lover, and acceptable life companion, but I'm a piss-poor girlfriend. If she wants to go to the local pub and let off some steam with her lady friends, to talk about handbags and shoes, and to discuss the latest Nicholas Sparks novel, I trust her not to violate our marriage contract in the process. 

As for her office Christmas party, I have begged to be released from that particular level of hell.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'll trot this out, FWIW:

Many companies today, in a mad exodus to "cut costs at ALL costs", have done away with holiday parties, bonuses, etc.

And companies that do still have parties will say "no spouses/SOs" because they have to do it on a shoestring budget and there is simply no provisions for "employee+1" catering.


Now, with that said, I'm going to trot out something here that may sound a bit far fetched and immature, but seeing as the toxic friend is also immature, I'll say it anyway: The toxic friend doesn't want weathermaker there because she's counting on his W there to help her pick up guys at the bar afterward, and she doesn't want him at that party because, thinking like she's still a teenager, she can't attract young studs if "El Dorko" is there hanging on her wingman's arm.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

F-102 said:


> I'll trot this out, FWIW:
> 
> *Many companies today, in a mad exodus to "cut costs at ALL costs", have done away with holiday parties, bonuses, etc.
> 
> ...


Yep. That's what mine did. They also broke it down to individual team gatherings at separate times as opposed to the entire company at one big party. There are seven on my team, and five of us are in long term relationships and marriages. All guys. We all agreed that we were package deals with our SO's and didn't go.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> See that was the battle last night. If I said to my mother that my family WILL be there at her family Christmas party
> 
> My wife would be mad she couldn't go to her party. If I told my mother we're not going to make it b/c of her company party. My mother would be upset. So I got into this whole big dumb thing last night about the conflict of my mother's chirstmas party and my wife's christmas party. I felt stuck b/w the two. If i go without my wife that's gonna look bad for her (which she said to me) but I'm thinking in the end I should just go to my mothers, and screw her and her toxic friends. Let her have fun while I spend time at my mothers. ??? Not sure


How is this even a debate. Assuming you and your wife have a healthy relationship (which it seems like you don't) let her go have fun and you go have fun.

If your wife thinks she'll look bad....that's on her. Sorry, you can go to your family's christmas party. If anything, the family party should trump the work party BUT if your wife CHOOSES to go to the work party, so be it. 

I'm still curious about this dancing the night away...unless this has been answered.

It sounds odd to have an ALL FEMALE work party where there's dancing.

There are no male employees...(highly odd)? And if there's not, why and HOW is there dancing at a COMPANY christmas party?


Unless this is just an excuse for a small group of women to have a GNO and CALL it christmas. 

PS you sound like a whiny kid. Step up and be a man. You want to date your wife...than do so. YOU make your moves..don't complain about it and WAIT for your wife to.

EDIT: Okay so it's obvious, this is a full on company party with men and women and spouses but OP's wife's friend decreed as queen bee, no husbands for her circle of friends/subordinates..


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Unless this is just an excuse for a small group of women to have a GNO and CALL it christmas.


We have a BINGO!

She's friggin' PUMPED for this wingwoman gig.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> EDIT: Okay so it's obvious, this is a full on company party with men and women and spouses but OP's wife's friend decreed as queen bee, no husbands for her circle of friends/subordinates..


That's what TAM has deduced, without much help or clarity from the OP. 

What we also do not know is WHY this pact was made 7 years ago after "something" major happened with the "queen bee's" husband (who seems to have cheated on queen bee at some point, maybe at the party?). And we know that whatever happened, the OP was included in it because of drinking with the queen bee's husband the whole night. This missing piece might shed a lot of light on things, but the OP refuses to answer any questions.

This thread seem so futile at this point since it's mostly speculation. Maybe OP is just using it to vent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I though he said the husband of the woman who banned spouses got drunk and made an ass of his self, and the OP got labeled as part of the disturbance because of his close proximity to the drunk spouse.


He still hasn't said what actually went down. That's the big mystery.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

norajane said:


> That's what TAM has deduced, without much help or clarity from the OP.
> 
> What we also do not know is WHY this pact was made 7 years ago after "something" major happened with the "queen bee's" husband (who seems to have cheated on queen bee at some point, maybe at the party?). And we know that whatever happened, the OP was included in it because of drinking with the queen bee's husband the whole night. This missing piece might shed a lot of light on things, but the OP refuses to answer any questions.
> 
> This thread seem so futile at this point since it's mostly speculation. Maybe OP is just using it to vent.


Wait, wait, you're saying that TAM will take one or two very vague and non-specific "facts", build an entire hypothetical scenario around them, then propagate that scenario as if the OP actually said it and give (likely incorrect) advice based on that?

No way, I would never believe that happens here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Open forums and all of that.

And the OP has apparently left the building.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

My company has a Christmas party every year. No spouses are invited.

HOWEVER: It is held during work hours, and its a meal and door prizes as well as bonuses are given out. We don't have to go have a big drunken shindig to celebrate Christmas. Were it after work hours, and my W wasn't invited, well I 99% wouldn't go.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

F-102 said:


> I'll trot this out, FWIW:
> 
> Many companies today, in a mad exodus to "cut costs at ALL costs", have done away with holiday parties, bonuses, etc.
> 
> ...


I was the one who ended our Company holiday party. It wasn't because of budgetary reasons, but rather host liability laws.

Someone drives home drunk from a Company sponsored event, and get killed on the way home, it makes the Company vulnerable to a huge lawsuit. It just isn't worth it.

And yes, there are still a few who think I'm Ebeneezer Scrooge, or the Grinch that stole Christmas!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

weathermakernj said:


> It's mostly female staff however some bring their husbands and others don't. It's catered and the bar has a DJ / live band. The cratering is in a different part of the building which than closes where everyone *than goes to the bar which is open to public*.


So, for at least part of this party she's going to be dressed to kill and mixing with the general public, not just the other employees? Am I reading that right?


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I own a construction company and every year we have a Christmas party for all the guys. We never involve the wives. But we meet right after work and the whole thing is wrapped up by 8 pm. We eat, have a few drinks at a place like TGIFridays or Longhorn Steak house. We rent a area and don't mix with he other patrons. It's safe. 
This bar stuff after 10 pm is trouble I don't care who you are.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Without more information it's difficult to give any kind of sound advice.

- Why is your wife so adamant about going when it's obviously such a big deal to you? Do you take her out on a regular basis, or is this one of the rare occasions where she gets to socialize outside of work (even if it is with coworkers)?

- Why is your W's friend and supervisor so adamant about no spouses when the event itself does not specifically exclude them? Was this incident 7 years ago serious enough to warrant such a restriction or is the friend using that as an excuse for a pseudo-GNO?

- What exactly was this incident 7 years ago? And is it all spouses of employees under this supervisor who are excluded, or just you and this one involved in the "incident"?

- What about your W's friend and supervisor makes her so toxic?

- When your W has come in from these parties in the past, has it been under any suspicious circumstances (ie out all night, incredibly drunk, guarding her phone afterward) or does she normally come in at a decent hour and sober?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Maybe I got confused in the other thread about who said what about awesome sex skillz. The tone of the other thread about the "toxic friend" though got me thinking that the OP thinks that the solution to his wife getting any idea their marriage could be better/has problems is to keep her from hearing it about it from "toxic people" (AKA "coming between them.") And this thread hasn't changed my feeling on that - rather than actively dating his wife, or making any kind of plans with her it's easier for the OP to complain about "toxic people."

I mean, hell, why not say - "Babe, let's not either of us go to a Christmas party this year, let's go out, hit the town, and I'll come home and rock your world." Get a sitter - and make it happen. Or - show up at the party, and make the same offer - whisk her away from the party early, showing up dressed to the 9s. Do -something- other than complain, and have the solution being to go pout at mom's house. 



> The point is that he has to make is "displeasure" about this known, and in no uncertain terms, and not just go along with it when she says I'm going anyway (I'm assuming now that this is becoming a wedge issue or deal breaker for him)


. 

When you've lost the ability to community your displeasure verbally, and have to rely on things like tampering with the car to get the point across - your relationship has serious problems besides the "boiling point" topic.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> Wait, wait, you're saying that TAM will take one or two very vague and non-specific "facts", build an entire hypothetical scenario around them, then propagate that scenario as if the OP actually said it and give (likely incorrect) advice based on that?
> 
> No way, I would never believe that happens here.


<grin> I agree, but this is an interesting thread. Folks correctly asked for more information. But the OP seems to have vanished. Given those two things, hypothetical scenarios pop up all over.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Look as others have alluded to, who the he'll is she getting dressed sexy for and who is she dancing with?? Her female coworkers??
Sounds like she's crossing major marital boundaries........


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I think staying overnight else where is a bad idea. It kinda gives permission for her to stay out extra late and who knows what can happen.
You won't be home to even tell if she comes in with her shirt on backwards. And her ...never mind. You know what I'm getting at.
I would be there waiting, trust me.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

To be bothered by this seems to indicate you are worried about your wife's activities and whether she is being faithful to you. If that is the case then maybe you need to start a different dialogue with her. Trust, boundaries and being comfortable with the other person's activities should be tops on that list I think.
I am not a fan of GNO and after my wife's cheating (wasn't on a GNO, during a work trip) that will never happen again, if the tables were reversed would she be happy with you getting dressed up and going out and she wasn't allowed to go?

One last thing your wife seem to be allowing her work friend's *lack of respect* for her husband to carry over to your relationship and that is just bull, don't think the friend's name is on your marriage license.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

She will continue to go until you take action and stop making excuses as to why you cant go. You Scared? Man up and just go, show up unannounced. WTF man!


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Sounds like nothing more than an excuse to get dressed up and flirt with other men, sans those pesky husbands. And she is completely ignoring your feelings in the process. Definitely not appropriate behavior for a married woman.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> She will continue to go until you take action and stop making excuses as to why you cant go. You Scared? Man up and just go, show up unannounced. WTF man!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
This is what needs to be done.

BTW: I don't think we'll be hearing from the OP again, though I'm not sure why.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I mean, hell, why not say - "Babe, let's not either of us go to a Christmas party this year, let's go out, hit the town, and I'll come home and rock your world." Get a sitter - and make it happen. Or - show up at the party, and make the same offer - whisk her away from the party early, showing up dressed to the 9s. Do -something- other than complain, and have the solution being to go pout at mom's house.


:iagree:
This is even better!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> This is what needs to be done.
> 
> BTW: I don't think we'll be hearing from the OP again, though I'm not sure why.


Maybe she caught him posting here and put her foot down.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Make a date with her....tell her you want to take her out on the town and have a great time, just the two of you! Not instead of the night, in addition to what her plans are.


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## Better Days (Oct 27, 2013)

weathermakernj said:


> I just would like to go out dressed up more as a couple instead of only at weddings and funerals. It sucks


The way you make this sound it sounds more like it is made up the way you belly ache. Are you just leading us on?


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## Sabariel (Jun 14, 2011)

I can understand that you feel upset because when you express your need to feel included, your wife dismisses your concerns. So tell her that. Explain that you just want her to understand that your feelings are hurt.

In our marriage, we encourage one another to be independent and to have fun. We trust one another to follow our marital agreements. If you get suspicious when your wife dresses up to go out without you, then Christmas parties are the least of your issues.

Did it ever occur to you guys that she's dressing up for HERSELF? Believe it or not, women weren't put on this Earth just to look pretty for their husbands. We also like to look pretty for ourselves. Especially if our husbands don't give us any reason to get dressed up for date night.

If her supervisor has declared a no-husbands policy for her subordinates, then going against that puts her into an awkward position with her boss. "Toxic friend" or not, that's her job of at least 7 years, and presumably she enjoys it or she wouldn't still be working there. Sabotaging her career just because you can't cope with the feeling of being excluded is not the way to be a loving, compassionate husband.

This whole "I'm going to show her how it feels" tactic is manipulative and selfish. I've never met a successfully married couple who played the one-up game. That's the road straight to divorce. Drive it if you want, it's your life, but don't be surprised the end of that road is being excluded from the "no husbands policy" on account of no longer being a husband.

You've got your mom's xmas party to attend, so you won't be moping around the house. If your wife is concerned that not going will look bad, that's the natural consequence of her choice; she's free to make a different one if she doesn't like that consequence.

We don't own our spouses and we aren't entitled to their time; it's theirs to spend with whomever they choose. If you believe you have the right to dictate your wife's behaviour, please return to 1945 and leave your patriarchy in the dustbin out back.

p.s. It's not baby-sitting when they're your own kids. It's called parenting.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

weathermakernj said:


> This will be the 7th year of being "black balled" from wifey's xmas work party b/c her (toxic) friend decided "no husbands" allowed b/c hers' got really drunk and caused a problem there. I was included in this b/c I was hanging with him at the time of the event, but I didn't in anyway involve myself in to what happened. I feel because I was around him at the time, that was included in this nonsense of not being invited.
> 
> You haven't been blackballed. Because one of the husband's wrecked the party for everyone by getting drunk, they've decided to host an employees only event.
> 
> ...


OP, I'm not invited to my SO's Christmas party either. It's employees only, and I'm just happy for him to enjoy himself with his work colleagues. Many companies these days host employee only Christmas parties.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> OP, I'm not invited to my SO's Christmas party either. It's employees only, and I'm just happy for him to enjoy himself with his work colleagues. Many companies these days host employee only Christmas parties.


I believe it to be a fair point, but wish to point out that it's not a company policy to exclude spouses. Other wives are bringing their husbands. It's her friend/supervisor, and her cadre of buddies who are not bringing their guys.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

sh987 said:


> I believe it to be a fair point, but wish to point out that it's not a company policy to exclude spouses. Other wives are bringing their husbands. It's her friend/supervisor, and her cadre of buddies who are not bringing their guys.


I'm sorry, I missed this.

So... in effect, the company_ has_ invited you, but your W has chosen to disinvite you because some of her work buddies don't want their own spouses there? No wonder you're peed off, and your W should understand this. Frankly, I'd insist on going, OP!

My apologies for misunderstanding your OP.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I guess I forgot to even mention this: wife's work Christmas party is tonight... We've gone every year and spouses are always invited.


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