# Wife just told me... she thinks she may be falling in love with someone else



## kurayami (Mar 3, 2011)

I am a military contractor and am deployed to Afghanistan for 1 year. I'm into the contract 3 months. 

My wife just told me she thinks she may be falling in love with another man and I don't know what to do. 

I am filled with that horrid mix of hurt and anger. Empty but so very much still in love. We have (had?) a great marriage. It was love at first sight almost and we have been in love strongly ever since -- it has been like a 4 year honeymoon. She hates being separated as do I, but we needed this. The tough economy meant that this was the best way to set ourselves up for our family's future. 

She likes that he is there and can support her like I can't right now. I call everyday and I tell her how much I love her, appreciate her, and am proud of her returning to school while I am gone. Send her flowers, cards, and presents on random days, just because. 

I don't think this would ever had happened if were there. I want to just return home, but that would cripple us financially. We would lose our home and lose the health insurance we need now because she was just diagnosed with cancer (she has surgery in 2 weeks) 

I've been planing a vacation with her next week for 2 months now and another in summer already. I bought a necklace to give her on the trip over a month ago. I am so shell-shocked. I just don't know what to do when I see her at the airport this weekend or for the week following. Please help. Any advice....?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She "thinks she may be falling in love with another man?" Hmmm.

At this point I would assume the worst and that she's trying to soften the blow of the real news.

She's being unfaithful to you, the only question is to what degree. I would think you have to strongly frame she end that attitude immediately and express genuine remorse or you'll just file for divorce.

I don't know how it's possible to effectively fight for a marriage when you are in another country for another nine months and it only took less than three months for her to start this nonsense up.

The other man is not "supporting her", he's purposely moving in on her to take your wife and your house.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Atholk said:


> She "thinks she may be falling in love with another man?" Hmmm.
> 
> At this point I would assume the worst and that she's trying to soften the blow of the real news.
> 
> ...


Let her know the cost of her actions and stay strong.

Just out of curiosity, how old are both of you?


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## kurayami (Mar 3, 2011)

I just can't believe this is happening. There was some fear when it seemed that she was distancing herself. I would send long emails and call everyday, but would very seldom get emails from her or even responses. On the other hand, we did have some incredibly heartfelt and intimate back-and-forths on the email. I just figured it was her way of dealing. I was in the Army before and though I didn't have any open relationships during my many deployments, I was the ears to many fellow soldiers who did. I heard it all the time... family will act distant to emotionally protect themselves from the separation and the fact that you were in constant danger. They always said to be understanding and reassuring. I thought I was doing the right thing... 

I can't help but feel at fault. It is incredibly tough being separated, but she has the stresses of the home, school, work, and the cancer diagnosis on top of that. I feel selfish just having bills and mortars (and fear for her health... for goodness sake 25 is too d*mn young to be facing cancer) 

I can kinda see how she could want a real, warm shoulder to lean on... and I feel like I have abandoned her because I am not physically there. Am I ...Crazy? Diluted?


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## kurayami (Mar 3, 2011)

She is 25, I am 31. Not kids, and she was the most mature woman I ever met. She basically had to play mom to her little brother from infancy. She was only 8 at the time


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

First of all... this isn't your fault.

You did what you had to do.

How would you be feeling if you were there (knowing you had a way to make it financially) filing bankruptcy and being that "shoulder" for her to cry on - and blame?

What to do now is tricky.

How are the finances working now?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> she thinks she may be falling in love with someone else





> She is 25, I am 31. Not kids, and she was the most mature woman I ever met.


You know her better than anyone else here, gauge whether you feel it's possible that this is more then that; an actual physical affair, and that she's just admitting now... OR, that she's admitting an emotional affair which she doesn't want to be involved in.

All this doesn't mean that she has stopped loving you - but perhaps due to the distance she's seeking companionship to bear with her pain of knowing you are going to be on active duty for a year. That situation itself is salvageable.

During your vacation, personally I would meet this "other guy" under a pretense of working things out with the missus - only to smash his face in but that's just me. This is one tough situation, and to be honest, all these affairs that military folks suffer really bite into me compared to my own marital problems. Good luck to you mate in resolving this, and all the best wishes.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ask her how would she like to be without medical benefits she needs if you divorce.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Ask her how would she like to be without medical benefits she needs if you divorce.


Women have been successfully petitioning for the ex husband to to pay for all or part of the ex's health care costs if the ex wife was a dependent on the husband's family plan.


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## kurayami (Mar 3, 2011)

Thanks Random Dude. Maybe it is weak of me, but I just can't imagine that she would hurt me. That is why it is so shocking. Maybe I'll get my head straight during that 28 hours of travel to get home. 

I am not saying it is bad advice at all, and please don't take it that way, but everyone else that has posted has seemed rather "hardass" That may be the right thing, but at just this moment, I am so peeved at the other guy that he did this to her. I know that is a nieve thought.

As far as the health insurance, I am not interested in hurting her with that and I DEFINATELY do NOT want her to stay with me just for the insurance.

I'm afraid that I am not upholding my vows, which I take very seriously, not because of any religious duty, but because I truly love her and WANT to uphold them. I mean, would I be giving her what she needs if I were back home, struggling to get a job or, if lucky enough to find one in these times, keeping whatever hours I had to... but being there to hold her every night, stroking her hair and lulling her to sleep? 

I really wish I were there right now. I don't even have a chance to see this guy (though I would dearly enjoy making him hurt---NO ACTUAL THREAT OF VOILENCE MEANT). We are meeting at the airport near home to continue on to our _planned_ romantic holiday at an adults-only all-inclusive resort in the Carribean. Then we part ways at the airport again and I never even step foot into our own home. Oh, and about that other guy wanting my wife AND my house.... apparently, he's supposed to be well off and would have no use for MY little house (which is MY name only BTW) 

I must sound so bi-polar.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

This kind of issue can make anyone feel crazy. Its absolutely miserable to be thousands of miles away during, and I know its miserable to feel powerless over it.


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## kurayami (Mar 3, 2011)

ok, this is going to be kinda scattered sounding, but I need to let out somewhere.

So I arrived home yesterday and met her at the airport, to go onward to the resort together. She refused to kiss me. She said she was hungover from drinking with friends the night before. OK, I can accept that, but I asked myself, why she was drinking heavily before meeting me.

We flew to the resort, and over the next few hours, began to refamiliarize a little. Finally holding hands, little kisses and a little more intimancy in our discussions.

When we got into the room finally, we talked a long time. At the time, I felt like we were getting somewhere, but now I am not so sure. 

Turns out, she says she was not looking for something else, but he was there for her, that he is taking her to the surguries, and he does make her happy. She said she does love him, she thinks, and that she thinks she still loves me. that she physically feels attracted to me, but her mind is not there.

They have had sex, a lot. She says she likes how he is sexually aggressive with her and enjoys being objectified by him. Admittedly, we have had some tension in this department, but I have tried becoming more agressive over these last years. We have always enjoyed our sex, but I have always been too gentle and slow I guess. I like to savor her and I have told her this. She appreciates this and enjoys the attention, but it has not been all she wants so I have tried to expand. Hell, I have even taken her in a public sauna (empty of course)while we were on a trip in Germany.

Well, I digress.

Anyway, he apparently has visited her at our home too.

She says she does not want to lose either of us, but also is unsure if she wants either of us. Says she does not want a divorce at this point. Says she thinks he can provide a more stable home for the children she wants. (does not make sense, we are 8 years apart, but he is 10 years older than I putting them 18 years different... of course he is stable, but I wonder if she really believes that he even WANTS a baby when he is 45 when she is ready 3 years down the road) 

Guess this comes from me being gone. This is the last contract though and she was with me during my other 2 in Germany during the last year and a half. With this, the house will be paid off and I only bought it less than 2 years ago. How much more proof that I am stable is a paid off home in 3 years!

She has pressed for me to improve myself and go to college, but now does not like that I will be in college when we had planned to have children. You see, I have been already making arrangements to go to engineering school next year after my return. GI Bill benefits and all.

She asked why I can not just start my own business doing computer network hardware install like he does. Guess he says he make a lot off that. Hell, they are going to a formal next month and he bought her a $4000 dress!

Oh, and she told him she was here with me, but told him we were staying in different rooms to SPARE HIS FEELINGS........F*ck his feelings!

Knowing all this now, I could not bring myself to lay with her in the same bed last night... the longest night of my life. I have seen friends loaded onto helicopters in pieces, but this hurts so much more than even that! 

She said this guy used to contract doing the same work as I, but saw something that made him refuse to go to the desert again. Hell, I think that is a straight lie!

So, I sat up and watched a movie trying to relax and get my mind off it. 

It did not work. I just sat on the beach all night til the sun came up. Now I have to wait for her to wake up. The first time in my life that I have ever dreaded it.

I want to hurt him, and I wish I could die.

This place is terrible, and I feel myself slipping... becoming more and more like my nickname here on this forum...

kurayami.... japanese for darkness

Thanks to all who read. I need this release. Penny for your thoughts...


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## kurayami (Mar 3, 2011)

Oh, one more thing... If my wife is one thing above all else, she is honest with me. Check this out.

He asked her if she and I has consimatted our relationship... I can only say WTF


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Ok - lots of work if you're willing. If you still want her. 

She can't have you both. You need to make that clear. 

Tell her No Contact with OM. She Writes No Contact letter to him and you post it. 

Get a keylogger on the family PC. Flexispy on her phone. Voice activated recorder for the car.

Burn the damn mattresses and bedroom set. 

STD testing ASAP. Trust me - this guy was out for some lonely pics of tail and that's it. 

Find out all you can and expose the affair on his side. His work, family - mom dad siblings friends everything. You have a man to man with the slimeball. 

Then off to a pro-marriage counselor. 

Find anyway to keep her away from the OM!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> Ok - lots of work if you're willing. If you still want her.
> 
> She can't have you both. You need to make that clear.
> 
> ...


When a man gets older he values one thing above all: PEACE and quiet. 

If he has to worry about all of this with her and another man its done.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

kurayami said:


> They have had sex, a lot.



I stopped reading there brother. YOU deserve better. You sound like a man blaming himself because his wife could not commit to you and was acting like a child. She broke her vows and destroyed your marriage, your trust and faith. Why do people insist on counseling with this kind of damage? Catching your spouse looking at porn or depression may warrant some marriage therapy but BRINGING another man/woman to your home would make me feel extremely violated. Could you really have peace of mind like this? 

If anything you need therapy for the hard decisions coming up and when you are mentally ready you can date again and find a loving partner that won't cheat on you because she was "bored".

Oh cable TV went out = Cheat
Oh waiting for clothes to dry = Cheat
Haven't seen my hubby in 3 months because he's working his butt off to provide for his famly so i'm bored = Cheat

Buddy you have a selfish, childish immature wife. She did it once, and she will do it again. Pick up the pieces and move on and just like a previous poster said, Get an STD test and talk to a lawyer. Get your financial house in order, take credit cards away. DO NOT let HER selfish actions destroy your faith in women or in family. There are women out there that will cherish a man like you or at least have the decency to dump you before seeing another man. 

Good luck brother. Praying for you.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I really don't understand some women.

Much like Sanity I pretty much stopped reading after the sex part. I also read about her not wanting to chose? And sparing HIS feelings.

I know a lot of people advocate fighting for your marriage but this seems lost. You made huge sacrifices for your family and she basically stabbed you in the back and said "oh well".

This is a no brainer. I'm not in your situation and don't feel the hurt and anger, but I would seriously reconsider if you were attempting to fight for this marriage.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'd divorce her, plain and simple.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course, she will play the "shocked, innocent victim" here, and no one will see her as a cheater-they will only see that you abandoned her in her darkest hour.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Honestly, while some people will tell you EA's can be worked through; I don't see the signs that this is going to resolve without kicking her out the garden of Eden so to speak. Lack of remorse, his feelings above yours, sex in your own bed with someone else. These are not the signs of "I made a mistake, and how do I make it right?" These are I've moved on, and I still want you to pay for everything while I sleep with someone else... No matter what anyone tells you that is simply an untenable situation. 


You are well on your way to paying off a house ...Hope you can keep it. I would suggest asking her to leave your home, or better yet, filing for divorce, and changing the locks, and getting the financial house in order quickly to remove any joint accounts. I would also subscribe to a credit watch service to get notified if any new loans/credit cards/unpaid bills suddenly show up. It makes one hell of an impression. Go see an attorney, depending on your state law it may be as simple as filing for separation to get her out. I am NOT an attorney, but if you have evidence of such (save those emails, and whatever other evidence you find), judges are not completely unsympathetic to this kind of thing. Find out what you need to make it so... 


6 months...a year later into the process ... She wants to come back with a remorseful heart, and try to work things out that is up to you to decide if you are able to forgive her reckless, childish, selfish, abusive, and destructive behavior, and try to reconcile with her. For now, what you need is to use the time that you have to get her gone.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

This is going to be harsh, sir. Bear with me for a moment. 

Sigh...another one huh. Shes been having sex with another man not even 3 months after you left, and actually had the BALLS to tell you she likes how he is sexually aggressive with her (and she likes it), and here you are waffling and posting about what to do. What man wants a woman who has been tossed around like some common W***E. You beta males need to become extinct and this is the exact thing that will fix it. Stop letting women get away with this out of line ridiculous behavior. DO NOT go to a counselor, DO NOT reconcile, DO NOT attempt to work it out. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.. THERE ARE NO KIDS. Give her what she wants. Divorce her immediately, go back to Afghanistan and make money, then return home with a bunch of spare cash and no wife. Imagine your life then. Young, in shape, single, and loaded with cash. A whole life ahead of you. 

You want brutally cold alpha honesty. Let him deal with her health issues. File for divorce immediately. Once she let another man put his penis inside her, shes spoiled milk, her health issues aside, she ruined the sanctity of your relationship and while you're already a confirmed beta male, you would also be an immense coward to take her back. I know I'm harsh, and this isn't intended to sound like an attack on you, most men have been you in the past, as have I. You need to hear the hardline response on this forum because in all my guest lurking, I always see everyone posting the MC/reconcile/work it out arguments but until men flatly and aggressively END relationships where women have sex with other men, it will continue happening. She knew you would stay and fight for her, so she gets to have some new penis while you're away, and he gets to do all his kinky stuff (that she wouldn't do with you, its ok. we all know.. we've been there) to a loose woman (your wife, BTW) that hes laughing with his friends about. Find your balls, soldier.. you know its over.. there is no fixing it. 

Ronin 

FYI anyone (men) who posted anything other than basically what I just posted, YOU TOO are a beta male. SACK UP as well.


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## Ronin (Mar 18, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You shoud definitely get a look at the insurance bills, to make sure she really has cancer.


I considered this also but forgot to add it to my post. Make sure she actually has the illness she claimed. Women will lie to make themselves seem like the victim or for attention. She could be healthy or have some illness that is "like cancer, I swear that's what the doctor said". Either way, she made a conscious decision to allow another man inside her body, shes done for, barring some VERY UNLIKELY scenario that she has some sort of brain condition that completely changed her normal mindset and way of thinking. (what are the odds? from your posts it sounds as if its not really this type of issue.) Do not get soft due to her illness, if its not something that caused her to be mentally unstable, then she made a choice to be with another man and it can NEVER be forgiven in a bf/gf relationship or a marriage. END IT.

Ronin


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Your wife has been brutally honest to you. Unfortunately, for a wife to be so mean and hurtful to a husband without basic morals in her characters, having no idea what love is about, perhaps, she's been never in love with you, if yes, physical love, sex maybe.
She needs to know there are certain things in marriage, non negotiable.
You're being to easy for her to negotiate.
She would keep taking advantages of your kindness.
Man up and set your boundaries.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Kurayami, how did this end?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Zombie thread.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Divorce her like yesterday...He wants her, he can have her, medical bills and all....I was away from my wife for 13 months, and didn't have any BS like this, and she is off the reservation after 12 freaking weeks....She is not worth the trouble....


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

wow

MORE BRAINS.

This was a really old zombie thread


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm shocked that she thinks she can have the both of you and yet made a commitment of marriage to you. 

I feel for her diagnosis and yet cancer is not an excuse to go out of her marriage and string you along. I'm not sure how long the affair has been going on. I'm suprised she's young minded into believing it's falling in love. It's not. It's new, someone she hardly knows and someone willing to progress without her ending her marriage first. That's not love.

I wish you healing and to stay level headed but to rethink your game plan. You can't work on a marriage if she's not willing. Her not willing to stop talking to him says enough about how she views the marriage. I would honestly let her carry on with the other man. You can't make her stop talking or seeing him and for her to think more about his feeling than yours (her husband) it's time to think on the reality of the situation. She's no longer focusing on the marriage. You can't save your marriage alone it's a team effort without a 3rd player.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Wow just realized how old of a thread this is. So much for it popping up in new posts.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> Kurayami, how did this end?


Look at his last post on 3/20/11


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## denny (Jun 21, 2017)

i know how you feel my wife of 7 yearswe have been through a lot. Thank God we are still together and more in love because of it. about 6 months ago we seperated because of her children and because i was doing very well in business my beautiful wife just quit her job and spent most of her time drinking with her friends mostly men. well i didnt want the seperation and i begged her to notbecause of what happened about a year ago when we seperated. she said i love you and i really need some time to work things out with my children i told her to call me all the time her kids did not treat me near as well as i did them after a month she seem to take me for granted and avoided me. She was sleeping with a good friend of mine her sister told me i was very threatened by this and told vicky she should have told me about mark like we agreed to tell each other everything when we were seperated the last time and she was sleeping with another man. i cried and said please come back to me so she said i will agree to date you twice a week and try to work on our marriage but i still want to have mark in my life. so i had to agree to share her or she would have been with him only. my wife told me that i had drifted apart from her after going into business and she missed the old denny she said thats why i am with our good friend mark Vicky calls me baby and says me and mark have come very very close like i need you to be toward me. so i realized i had been selfish and neglectful and told vicky can we go away for a few days i was so happy she agreed she said your not mad at me are you baby i said no you did the right thing its my fault. we have been happier than ever and our friends say they wish they could be like us our communication is so good were so close like new lovers so your wife loves you and needed this other man to make you fall back in love with her


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kurayami said:


> She is 25, I am 31. Not kids, and she was the most mature woman I ever met. She basically had to play mom to her little brother from infancy. She was only 8 at the time


Sorry you are here but to be honest 25 is still very young and she may be love you but I think she has made choices that will blow up your marriage.
You sound like a great and attentive guy, most women would be thrilled to get all the gifts, card, phone calls, emails, etc you lavish on her. To my mind she probably knows she has you, women often end up not respecting the men that fall over them (which you do).
This is not your fault, it is something lacking in her.
If you are going to save the marriage you have to take actions which are counter intuitive and go scorched earth on her.Maybe this is her way of getting your attention, it makes no sense but she is not being logical.

1. Do the 180 on her, no contact except about household issues. Sort out your finances immediately.
2. Tell all your family and friends what she is doing, expose her and OM
3.If OM has a GF or wife, expose to them
4. Contact a lawyer, (military may have different procedures) and ask for their advice, push through to papers, shock her into the reality of what she is doing and show her there are consequences
5. No contact with her (except via email so you can choose to open it when you want).
6 Lean on your family/siblings a good friend for support so that you will be able to hold the course.

Remember you can never nice a person into the marriage, begging, pleading, etc will not work. You have to be willing to lose the marriage, if she is already gone from it, then this approach will make you stronger as the 180 is for yourself. 
You are a military man, you understand the concept of war and this is a war.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kurayami said:


> Oh, one more thing... If my wife is one thing above all else, she is honest with me. Check this out.
> 
> He asked her if she and I has consimatted our relationship... I can only say WTF


She is YOUR wife, yes you have to be bloody hardass, it's your softie approach that is allowing her to walk all over you and have no respect for you. Be ready to go scorched earth on her ass, enough already! (And I am a wife talking). Your wife has a princess complex, you have put her up on a pedestal, WTF, kick her off that pedestal and find your righteous anger.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wasted my time on this zombie thread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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