# The Opposite Sex



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

While in the process of divorcing - have you avoided the opposite sex? 

Sought out dates or tried specifically to make new opposite sex friends? 

Or have you just gone about your business as usual?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Early on I sought out dates, but realized I was just seeking validation for myself. So just went about business as usual, making small improvements to my life as I've been going along, then decided to try dating again even though the divorce is still in the process, it was mostly unsuccessful because I still have a long way to go doing the NMMNG BFE's however found one lady on an online dating site and our company and affection has been mutually enjoyable.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

BFEs??? Help me out...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

breaking free exercises from the no more mr nice guy book.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Guess I need to re-read - with a little more intention this time. Thx...


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Business as usual... I have 3 kids-- all girls ages 11, 12 and 17, and it is bad enough their father doesn't take his marriage vows seriously (he moved from here to the OW apartment as soon as I found out and yes, the kids are old enough to know).... someone has to act appropriately and so of course it will be me.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

lisa3girls said:


> Business as usual... I have 3 kids-- all girls ages 11, 12 and 17, and it is bad enough their father doesn't take his marriage vows seriously (he moved from here to the OW apartment as soon as I found out and yes, the kids are old enough to know).... someone has to act appropriately and so of course it will be me.


Define "appropriate"?

If an old married friend from HS - male - reached out to you on FB - or via e-mail - would you avoid him? Even if it seemed like his heart was in the right place?

Or - at what point do you allow yourself to start reaching out to single people of the opposite sex - either when your kids aren't with you - OR - via FB, e-mail, etc.? Assuming of course that your marriage is done and you've started the legal divorce proceedings.

Or - do we all just need to hide in a cave and stay away from each other until we have unpacked our emotional baggage (whatever that means...)???


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Well nice guy... it has only been one month since my WH was found out and left, so neither I nor the kids are ready. I believe our divorce will be final by Spring, I think I can wait until then at least. I am in no shape to become involved in anyway with someone else. Neither is my WH, he is just too stupid to get that.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

lisa3girls said:


> Well nice guy... it has only been one month since my WH was found out and left, so neither I nor the kids are ready. I believe our divorce will be final by Spring, I think I can wait until then at least. I am in no shape to become involved in anyway with someone else. Neither is my WH, he is just too stupid to get that.


Gotcha - and agree with you.

Admitting that I struggle with feeling lonely at the moment. Getting close to that point where I want to reach out more. Would "prefer" to wait until the D is final - but the marriage has been dead for quite some time. At this point, we're just waiting on paperwork.

Part of my concern is that if I allow myself any kind of close / emotional contact, that I will be too vulnerable and may fall into something that I'm truly not ready for or that isn't right for me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

During the D process, I avoided the opposite sex like a plague and in some ways still do, post-divorce.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> During the D process, I avoided the opposite sex like a plague and in some ways still do, post-divorce.


Post-divorce - why? You know that not every man is like your ex - right?


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I am lonely too, but I have the same reservations about getting involved in something not right on the rebound


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

lisa3girls said:


> I am lonely too, but I have the same reservations about getting involved in something not right on the rebound


Makes sense. Especially if you only found out about things a month ago.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I guess another "hidden" meaning to my question that Jellly may have touched upon is whether or not what you've been through has soured your point of view towards ALL men or women.

I feel pretty confident that my STBXW had/has ISSUES.

And of course all women have issues, but not all women have ISSUES.

I still like ya'll!!!!


----------



## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I guess another "hidden" meaning to my question that Jellly may have touched upon is whether or not what you've been through has soured your point of view towards ALL men or women.
> 
> I feel pretty confident that my STBXW had/has ISSUES.
> 
> ...



I know my husband has issues....big bad abusive issues that will likely land him in prison someday...the fact remains that I picked him(ignoring the little voices screaming at me to run from the get go)...and it took me years to get away from him after figuring out that he was broken and it wasn't my imagination ....I just don't trust my judgement or ability to remove myself from a bad situation quickly. 

I have been a stay at home mom for 9+ years...I have H.S., diploma...I have a lot of work to do to get myself self sufficient...especially since I can't even land a minimum wage/no exp necessary type of job at this point...I am a prime target of another abusive man just like my husband..I am keeping to myself and working on my issues and trying to learn from my mistakes.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Set me FREE said:


> I know my husband has issues....big bad abusive issues that will likely land him in prison someday...the fact remains that I picked him(ignoring the little voices screaming at me to run from the get go)...and it took me years to get away from him after figuring out that he was broken and it wasn't my imagination ....I just don't trust my judgement or ability to remove myself from a bad situation quickly.
> 
> I have been a stay at home mom for 9+ years...I have H.S., diploma...I have a lot of work to do to get myself self sufficient...especially since I can't even land a minimum wage/no exp necessary type of job at this point...I am a prime target of another abusive man just like my husband..I am keeping to myself and working on my issues and trying to learn from my mistakes.


But - couldn't you also be prime for a good man just as well?


----------



## acsanny (Oct 25, 2011)

Don't rush.take your time.you'll find the right person one day~


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Detach emotional expectations from interacting with the opposite sex and start interacting.

Don't attach 'does she like me?' to any interaction while you are getting used to the water of single-hood.

Practice. There's nothing wrong with practice. Talk to women. Learn to carry an interesting conversation.

Those were my first goals after I had already put my foot in the mess of becoming involved with someone prematurely.

I just wanted to get comfortable interacting, and in the interaction start looking for those queues of interest, but in no way hanging my self-esteem on the line if she isn't interested. It's experience. Harmless experience.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Be willing to put yourself out there and be dazzlingly charming ... while at the same time not being concerned if you get blown off or ignored.

The 'right person' doesn't simply fall into your lap by serendipity. 

You will learn a great deal.

I was at the grocery about 2 weeks ago. Very, very attractive woman is bagging a bunch of collard greens. Not a leafy green that most people stampede to purchase. Without expectation, I engaged her. I asked with a smile;

"What are you feeding?"
She looked over, smiled, and said sheepishly, "My rabbit ... she loves these."

I laughed and said, "I almost never see people buying greens for people ... someone I asked previously was getting them for their iguana."

She laughed, smiled, "That's funny. Do you eat them?"

I said "I do. They're horrible if you don't cook them right. Kale too."

I ended the conversation by saying she should try them some time, and if she didn't like them, she could give the rest to the rabbit, and wished her a good night.

That was it. I saw an opportunity to engage a pretty woman and I did so with no expectation. 

Push yourself to do simple stuff like that, and don't worry about whether or not anything happens. It will increase your confidence and your comfort level so when the time comes that you are going on a ... gasp! date ... that you will be more relaxed, appropriately invested in the date (read, not much at all) and you will be a great conversationalist.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Detach emotional expectations from interacting with the opposite sex and start interacting.
> 
> Don't attach 'does she like me?' to any interaction while you are getting used to the water of single-hood.
> 
> ...


I've done this - just to a much smaller degree. I have been trying to engage in more conversations - with both men and women. Well - with strangers - its mostly been women. But over the last two years, I'm starting to realize how much I really kind of withdrew from people in general. Time to come out of my shell...


----------

