# Divorced and still in Love



## Always Mrs DeWitt

Our problems started a few years ago when I didnt feel like I was appreciated. He didnt spend alot of time with me, because he worked on computers part time after his full time job. He would come upstairs for dinner, only to retreat to the basement to finish on the computers. After voicing my concerns, I eventually had an affair.  

We tried working it out. He changed. He helped around the house. He made an effort to be the person I wanted - but the romance never came unless I initiated it. To be honest - at that time, I didnt initiate it alot, because I still felt so much shame and guilt from the affair. I tried to go through counseling, only to quit because she thought I had a drinking problem. (At the time of the affair, I did have a problem. I was at what I thought was the lowest part of our relationship.) I didnt think she was the counselor for me because she wasnt looking at the whole picture - I thought she was looking at the drinking as the problem then.

In the meantime, I became good friends with my personal trainer. We text alot about nothing. We. Were. Friends. My husband was very intimidated by him - asked me to stop texting. Course I am stubborn and didnt think I was hurting anything just by being friends. I didnt make my husband a priority.

Fast forward to today. We are divorced - since June 7th this year - the day of our 9th anniversary. My husband (yes, I still refer to him as my husband) tried up till the day of our divorce, and then up till two Fridays ago. When the divorce was final - he asked me if he thought we needed to date other people, or if we were going to continue being exclusive. I told him that we should probably date, but if he dated - I didnt want to know. Thought that was what we were supposed to do since we were divorced. Never in my mind had I thought I was going to date anyone because I know where my heart is. 

Two Saturdays ago, I see him out with a group of girls. Didnt think anything about it till he didnt come home that night. (I went to his place that night to surprise him) Course I get extremely jealous, and demanded an explanation - to his reply was "this is what you wanted". Since then, he has spent alot of time with this girl. 

Three weeks ago - he was at a graduation party, crying, telling people he didnt know that he wanted his wife and family back, and how much he was still in love with me.. 

I know this girl. She isnt a good friend, but I know her. She is 8 years younger. Never been married. Doesnt have kids. (my husband and I have a son together, and a daughter from my previous marriage that hes raised since she was 4) She is an extremely jealous person. She has had a boyfriend for the past three or four years - same guy - but because of her jealousy, they break up, get back together - very toxic relationship. She smokes. Shes a HUGE drinker. All of these things my husband is not. 

I dont understand how someone can go from wanting to have his family back as one, to dating - and I believe it is now getting more serious since she has spent the night at his place last night. His place was our home. She slept in our bed. And the only thing I continue to tell myself is that I really have no reason to be upset since we are no longer married.

Truth is - Im hurt. I never wanted the divorce to begin with - but I didnt know how to fix the issues we had. Throw in a 15 year old daughter and the issues she gave us as well. 

Tonight I start counseling again. I need to fix me. Somewhere inside me I feel the need to push away the man that I have still considered to this day the love of my life. I have always loved him like no other. But, Im not sure he will ever let me show him that I am not the person I have been the past 3 years. I am the person he married 9 years ago. 

What do I do? Since I never made him a priority before - do I need to do everything to show he is the one I want? Do I step back - let things play out with her, because I dont think its going to work out? I know he is in love with me. His love has never faltered. 

Help?


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## 06Daddio08

Okay... so... you had an affair.

Then you start getting chatty with your personal trainer and see no problem with it after having an affair.

Your counselor starts to point out things about you and you quit because you don't like the direction.

You ex (no longer your husband) doesn't know what he wants (which you hear through the grapevine) but still made attempts up until the divorce was finalized.

Then you guys talk about dating, which you agree on... and when you see him with a group of women you try to "surprise him" and get mad because he didn't come home to HIS place when you wanted him to?

Is this all correct?

You need to move on with your life and fix your insane entitlement and control issues. 

He owes you nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

I understand he doesnt owe me anything. But I know he loves me as much as I do. 

I went to my first counseling session last night - not the same person I had seen before. The reason I quit seeing that one is because she was more focused on my drinking at the time, and not the affair. Sure, the drinking wrapped up with the affair - but that WASNT the core issue why I had the affair to begin with. 

My new counselor last night made a great point when he asked if I had ever forgiven myself for the affair. I had always dispised people that would cheat on their spouses. I now was one of them. So have I forgiven myself - no. I didnt feel as if I was worthy of his love anymore. But I wanted attention. Hence the texting the trainer. 

I understand that this didnt help matters any. I understand that I have lost my love because I didnt seek help again for this affair. 

Anyway. Im going to get healthy again - because I am not this person I had been since the affair. I will get healthy. And I will not give up the fight to get my husband back.


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## spun

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> I understand he doesnt owe me anything. But I know he loves me as much as I do.
> 
> Sometimes love alone is not enough to keep two people together.
> 
> Maybe the two of you can get back together. But it is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust and respect that is necessary of a marriage to thrive, if that's even possible


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## synthetic

You're quite the selfish entitled queen aren't ya?!

I agree with your husband's excellent response to your childish behavior:

*"YOU WANTED THIS"*



> I will not give up the fight to get my husband back.


Again, being selfish. You have already hurt him so much. Why hurt him more? He's fine without you. If he wants you back, he will come after you. You have no right to want to control his destiny. You really don't.

And no, he's not your husband anymore. He's your ex-husband. He's now most likely somebody's boyfriend and that person probably doesn't appreciate you calling him your husband.

You wanted this.


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## mc1234

Sorry to say this, but your husband gave you several chances to reconcile right up to the divorce. This seems like a case of wanting something you can't have.

If you really love him like you say....let him go and let him find some happiness that has been missing in his life.


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## muriel12

spun said:


> Always Mrs DeWitt said:
> 
> 
> 
> I understand he doesnt owe me anything. But I know he loves me as much as I do.
> 
> Sometimes love alone is not enough to keep two people together.
> 
> Maybe the two of you can get back together. But it is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust and respect that is necessary of a marriage to thrive, if that's even possible
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I definitely agree that love is not enough to keep people together. Love without maturity and understanding can even make matters worse. I feel as though it may be easier if you don't love that much, so that you have less expectation, less need for attention, less jealousy etc. I may be wrong...
Click to expand...


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## Emerald

Ouch.

First - your counselor was correct. Any addiction needs to be addressed FIRST before anything including mental illness. Have you stopped drinking? AA?


I believe you that your husband still loves you. I believe you have a chance at reconciliation but until you are sober, can't really offer any advice.


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## justonelife

It seems like this is a case of "the grass is always greener". You didn't want your husband because you weren't happy in the marriage. He wasn't fulfilling your needs. Now that he is moving on, suddenly you remember all of the good times and start wanting him back again because now you can't have him (at least not exclusively).

At the very least, you both need some time and space to heal. Maybe someday you can get back together but give him some time and you need to really explore whether he is the right man for you. If he was so wonderful, why did you cheat? Why did you put your friendship with a personal trainer above your husband's feelings? Either:

1. He probably wasn't as wonderful as you are making him out to be now, or
2. You have some serious commitment issues that should be addressed before getting involved again, or
3. A little bit of 1 and 2.

Try to look at the relationship realistically and figure out what you really want. You might find someone better able to meet your needs.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Synthetic - I am not a controlling person. At all. If anything, I was always the one that went with the flow - took whatever came my way. If anything - I feel as if Im out of control and unstable with everything that has happened the past couple weeks.
Emerald - I dont drink often. I may have a few drinks every few weekends - I wouldnt say I have a drinking problem. 

All - I understand he gave me many chances. I know I was selfish in alot of things that I did. Is it possible what my therapist said last night that I just havent forgiven myself for the affair, and didnt feel as if I was worthy of his love? I love this man. I have loved his man from the day we started dating. I just didnt know how to make it better after the affair.

Yes - I should have continued with therapy to get to the root of the problem that brought the affair. If I had - I dont think we would be here. 

Alittle background I guess. I have always been one that thought less of people that had affairs. My Mom had one on my Dad when I was little. She has to this day deny that she did. Our relationship is very strained because of what she did to my father. Fast forward many years and I do the same to my husband. Again, I have very little respect for people that have affairs - including myself. I cannot get past the fact that I did this to the man that I love. Does this not make sense?


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

JustOne - Yes I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. There hasnt been a day that I didnt let him know that - up to 2 weeks ago - we were spending everyday together, on the phone, texting - something. We were very much a couple. 

I just want US back. I want to work through my issues and make our relationship the way it was. Without that - I know we dont stand the chance..


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## justonelife

> JustOne - Yes I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. There hasnt been a day that I didnt let him know that - up to 2 weeks ago - we were spending everyday together, on the phone, texting - something. We were very much a couple.


Then why did you sign the divorce papers? Why did you agree to date other people? I feel like something is missing.

If you love him so much, why did you have an affair (and then an EA with the personal trainer)? I would focus on that before moving to whether or not you can forgive yourself for it.


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## Seesaw

Send him an email link to this thread. Invite him for coffee. Talk to him about it. I have had a bad evening with my fWW but it sounds like even we have better communication.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

justonelife said:


> Then why did you sign the divorce papers? Why did you agree to date other people? I feel like something is missing.
> 
> If you love him so much, why did you have an affair (and then an EA with the personal trainer)? I would focus on that before moving to whether or not you can forgive yourself for it.


I didnt want to sign the papers. I cried through the whole process. I wanted him to turn to me and say - we cant do this. Up to the time of the courtdate - I told him I didnt want to go through with it. I didnt show the day of the date because I didnt want it. I dont know why I agreed to dating either - it wasnt something that I wanted. Maybe a part of me thought that since I had put so much crap on him, that it would be better for him in the long run. I dont know. But it wasnt what I wanted. Hence why we had spent all our time together up to two weeks ago.

The affair happened because I wasnt happy with alot of things that were going on in our lives at that point. Not an excuse, not a reason. It happened. Instead of talking to my husband and making things better - I chose to drink alot. I felt as if I was at the lowest point then. If I could remove that one day from my life - I would. It was dumb. It was selfish. I cannot get past that I have done this to him though. I feel as if I dont deserve him. 

As for the EA with the trainer - I dont have a clue why. I never wanted anything from him other than friendship. I have cut all ties from him. Deleted his number, etc. I havent spoke to him in some time. But he knew I wanted things to work out with my husband. We spoke many times of my wanting that relationship with my H. Is that still an EA?


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> Send him an email link to this thread. Invite him for coffee. Talk to him about it. I have had a bad evening with my fWW but it sounds like even we have better communication.


He knows Im in therapy for my issues. True, the sessions just started again last night - but I hope for the future that things will work out. 

I know I have communication set backs as well - funny you said that. Ive always felt I know what I wanted to say - just never came out the way I had intended. 

I did invite him for dinner last night - I had a couple hours before the session. He was taking our son to get a helmet for the cycle. It sounded like he wanted to - but it may be too soon. I know he doesnt trust alot about me. And I know I need to get that back. Baby steps..


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## Seesaw

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> He knows Im in therapy for my issues. True, the sessions just started again last night - but I hope for the future that things will work out.
> 
> I know I have communication set backs as well - funny you said that. Ive always felt I know what I wanted to say - just never came out the way I had intended.
> 
> I did invite him for dinner last night - I had a couple hours before the session. He was taking our son to get a helmet for the cycle. It sounded like he wanted to - but it may be too soon. I know he doesnt trust alot about me. And I know I need to get that back. Baby steps..


Right, this is going to be hard for you. Lay everything on the table for him. Do not hold back, point him to this thread, let him know exactly how you feel. He may reject you right off; in which case at least you have closure. He may have been aching inside to hear it.

Two things. Remembering I have had a bad evening (UK so it is the evening!). First, you and he cannot possibly understand each other unless you communicate. Easy to say because it is seriously frightening if you have not done it properly for a long time - your position. Second, you have some really deep seated self esteem problems - it cries out from what you write - you need to work on that whatever happens. If you don't your future relationships will fail. Sorry, blunt, I have had a bad evening. Wishing every good feeling.


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## Emerald

Okay - good - no alcohol addiction.

Stop beating yourself up over your affairs. Forgive yourself with therapy or whatever it takes.

You are a divorced woman who is working on becoming a better person. This "better" person will become more attractive to your EXH & other men if he does not wish to reconcile.

I would expect him to see other women now, so find a way to accept it.

Send him a hand-written letter telling him how much you love him & would love to try again & leave the ball in his court.

I believe two people who truly love each other should be together.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

spun said:


> Always Mrs DeWitt said:
> 
> 
> 
> I understand he doesnt owe me anything. But I know he loves me as much as I do.
> 
> Sometimes love alone is not enough to keep two people together.
> 
> Maybe the two of you can get back together. But it is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust and respect that is necessary of a marriage to thrive, if that's even possible
> 
> 
> 
> I understand that - and I will do everything in my power to make this work. As long as it takes. I dont think I honestly knew how selfish I was, or how much I had taken our relationship for granted until it was pulled from me..
Click to expand...


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Emerald said:


> Okay - good - no alcohol addiction.
> 
> Stop beating yourself up over your affairs. Forgive yourself with therapy or whatever it takes.
> 
> You are a divorced woman who is working on becoming a better person. This "better" person will become more attractive to your EXH & other men if he does not wish to reconcile.
> 
> I would expect him to see other women now, so find a way to accept it.
> 
> Send him a hand-written letter telling him how much you love him & would love to try again & leave the ball in his court.
> 
> I believe two people who truly love each other should be together.


Thank you Emerald - I do as well. I know from the bottom of my soul that we are to be together. I know he needs this time as well to find himself. Figure what it is he really wants. I put our relationship through hell to be honest. And I dont expect him to let me waltz back in without dealing with my issues first. I know I need to find a way to forgive myself. If I dont, we are always going to be right here. And that isnt what I want.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> Right, this is going to be hard for you. Lay everything on the table for him. Do not hold back, point him to this thread, let him know exactly how you feel. He may reject you right off; in which case at least you have closure. He may have been aching inside to hear it.
> 
> Two things. Remembering I have had a bad evening (UK so it is the evening!). First, you and he cannot possibly understand each other unless you communicate. Easy to say because it is seriously frightening if you have not done it properly for a long time - your position. Second, you have some really deep seated self esteem problems - it cries out from what you write - you need to work on that whatever happens. If you don't your future relationships will fail. Sorry, blunt, I have had a bad evening. Wishing every good feeling.


Thank you Seesaw for your advice - and I do hope your evening gets better for you.

I know I fault at communication. He would always come to me, trying to communicate what he felt. Asking what I felt. I didnt know how to put it in words, and would get frustrated. I know it should be as easy as 1-2-3 - but it isnt for me. I know that is something I need to better as well.

I also know I have esteem issues. Im hoping that the therapy can bring that out as well, and hope that I can heal myself and move forward as a better person.


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## DbBuddy

AMD,

My W also cheated on me and we have been working on reconciling for about a year now. She also seems to be having a hard time feeling she is worthy, letting herself be loved, being willing to be emotionally intimate, etc. A lot of what you said about how you felt resonated with me.

Can you tell me more about that? Is there anything he could have done to help you get beyond that? Would it have helped if he showed you anger, moved out, etc.? What needs to happen before you can feel adequately punished so that you can move on? I've been willing to forgive and forget. W says she loves me but doesn't seem able to reengage

Thanks


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

I dont know what its going to take to get me past the guilt and shame I feel. Im hoping that with therapy I can. I honestly don't know what he could have done different to make me move past it all. He did everything right. And he didnt owe that to me. 
Is your W gone through any type of therapy? Maybe thats what she needs. I honestly think if Id have found someone else for counseling, we wouldnt be here now. I cant change the past. I can only hope me seeking help will help me. And then maybe he can get past the thought that we will never be able to work out again.

I am headed out of town for the wknd to visit family. I have my son this wknd. I know he will be with her. I just dont want to be around wondering what they are doing, if shes staying with him, etc. I just wish I wasnt this broken person that failed our marriage. 

I wish you guys well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DbBuddy

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> Is your W gone through any type of therapy? Maybe thats what she needs.


No she is not interested in therapy, I think she's afraid of being told that she was wrong to do what she did. At the same time, I know she struggles with it. She says she's sorry for how it made me feel but not sorry she did it and just wants it to be viewed like a former boyfriend before we met. She claims not to see the difference.

She's smarter than that -- I know she's having a hard time, I just don't know how best to deal with her mental state
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife

> She says she's sorry for how it made me feel but not sorry she did it and just wants it to be viewed like a former boyfriend before we met. She claims not to see the difference.


I had to read that a couple of times. What is she thinking? She's not sorry that she did it?? It sounds like your wife is not sure she is committed to reconciling. She is still rug-sweeping and not taking responsibility for her actions. She can't get past it without first acknowledging what actually happened.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

justonelife said:


> I had to read that a couple of times. What is she thinking? She's not sorry that she did it?? It sounds like your wife is not sure she is committed to reconciling. She is still rug-sweeping and not taking responsibility for her actions. She can't get past it withthout first acknowledging what actually happened.


I agree with Just one - not sure how you guys are going to move forward without her taking responsiblity for her actions??? No way in hell would I have said to make it seem like a former boyfriend... seriously - how could you take that comment as a reason?? 

She doesnt sound to me as if she is commited as well to reconciling.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

So - before I left for my parents - we were texting - not the way it used to be but it was nice. Left for MN, we text a few more times through the week - took my son over to his place when we returned yesterday afternoon. Made sure I looked cute, etc - was going to ask him if he wanted to golf that afternoon. I just felt that our conversation - even as small as they were - were really good. I was nervous on the way to his place - just like a schoolgirl. LOL Anyway - we got to his place, and he had a couple friends at the house talking about motorcycles. I stuck around talking with them as well. My ExH then said that he needed to get going to a gift opening for his cousins wedding he had attended the day before. So I didnt get the chance. I went golfing with my brother instead. I had sent him a couple texts in the meantime - seemed to be good, even though the responses were few. He was with his family (they dont care much for me now at this point). 

After he dropped my son off, I called him asking about some personal stuff he may have had at his place for my daughter. As the conversation was ending - I told him how much I missed and loved him - he didnt respond. I told him it would be ok to tell me the same things back because I know he does. His response was "Why are you trying to make things more harder than they have to be?" Im not sure how to take that. Harder for him? Harder for me? 

I called him again shortly after we ended the first conversation to ask him did he think there was a future for us? His response was "I dont think so". Now if you know him - he is pretty forward. If he meant no - hed say no. HOW do I take these responses???


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## Seesaw

You did well, right up to the point where you basically pleaded with him to tell you he loves you. And then did it again. Give him space and time, don't pressure the guy. You asking him that does not work, it sends him straight in the other direction. Either way he might be gone for good, but that does nothing for your chances.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> You did well, right up to the point where you basically pleaded with him to tell you he loves you. And then did it again. Give him space and time, don't pressure the guy. You asking him that does not work, it sends him straight in the other direction. Either way he might be gone for good, but that does nothing for your chances.


Thank you Seesaw - as soon as I asked, I could have kicked myself. I was feeling impatient. Thought things were going on the upside. I was reading on other posts about this 180 thing. I know this is something that works more with married people, but what about divorced ones that want to reconcile? Ok - Im not honestly sure he wants to, but you know what I mean..


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Update: thought things were going well again. My girlfriend told me yesterday that he had called and wanted to talk about he and I. She had told him that I was going through counseling and honestly thought that I was sorry for the stuff I had put him through. She told him that I wanted to work on my issues and make things better for myself and hopefully for us in the future - if there was one. Mind you this was the night after I had made the mistake and asked him if there was a future for us - his response was "I dont think so". In my mind not a firm no. When she got off the phone with him, she felt that there was still a chance - that he was sitting back buying time to see what it is that happens with me. That was last night. Again - our wedding photos are still up. Does anyone find that strange if hes so ready to move on?

Today she calls and tells me that he had squadered money away when were were still married. Which would explain the new motorcycle he bought. And paid cash for. The new GF hes spending alot of time with - which I assume he would be since I have no ties to him really but with our son. She also heard the only reason that he played "nice" with me was to make sure I didnt take him back to court for support (we have split custody, splitting everything in half instead of him paying - not sure if that was a wise choice). She tells me she thinks I should call and ask him again if there is any chance for the future since Im working on my issues. He of course says no. Says there is no way he will ever be able to trust me again. 

I know I have made many mistakes in our marriage. I just wish he could see that Im trying to make positive changes in my life to want to try again. I know I cant make him come back, or do anything that he doesnt want to do. In my heart though, I really think there is a chance for anyone to trust someone again with time. Am I incorrect? 
Has there been ANYONE out there whose relationship has been halted because of trust issues? Were you able to work things out eventually? I know this is a long road ahead of me. I just wish I had taken care of my marriage when it was mine...

Also - do I take him back to court for custody? I have my son Tues and Thurs, every other weekend. He has him Mon and Wed, every other weekend. When hes finished with his "visit" on Mon and Weds - he brings him back to my place for the night. He doesnt phyically have him after 9. Am I in the wrong to think since I have him more, I should really be getting custody? Mind you - I am not money hungry. If I was, I would have never have agreed to no custody, and he basically got everything - I walked away from the marriage with an old living room set, my daughters bed and things, a spare bed for my son to sleep in, my car. He got everything from the house, two vehicles, and everything in the house.


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## lordmayhem

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> Also - do I take him back to court for custody?


And you hope to one day reconcile with him? 










You devastated his life with your PA, and while he was in this agony, you went ahead and cheated again, by having an EA with your personal trainer...all despite his pleas. And you devastated him again. That's just like twisting the knife into his wound. If I were him, there's no way in this lifetime that I would reconcile with you, but that's me. He may one day feel differently.

IF you truly love him and remorseful for what you've done to him, then you will patiently wait for him. Stop trying to confuse him or sabotage any of his relationships. You will wait for him to some day come back. Right now he's still devastated and ANGRY at you. You do realize it takes between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, right? Do you love him enough to wait that long for him? My bet is you don't. Sorry, but that's the feeling I get from reading your post.


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## Seesaw

LM is right - a bit more blunt than me, but you need to listen. The only way you have any chance is by letting him go, completely.

The fact is you are still playing games here. You are angry that he got more than you out of the split. If you really loved him you would be pleased he is doing well following the worst thing that ever happened to him. Good for him on the girlfriend and the motorcycle, frankly. And you think taking him to court again is going to predispose him to coming back?

Let him go, build a life for yourself, look after yourself, love him in any way he let's you and see what happens.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

lordmayhem said:


> And you hope to one day reconcile with him?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You devastated his life with your PA, and while he was in this agony, you went ahead and cheated again, by having an EA with your personal trainer...all despite his pleas. And you devastated him again. That's just like twisting the knife into his wound. If I were him, there's no way in this lifetime that I would reconcile with you, but that's me. He may one day feel differently.
> 
> IF you truly love him and remorseful for what you've done to him, then you will patiently wait for him. Stop trying to confuse him or sabotage any of his relationships. You will wait for him to some day come back. Right now he's still devastated and ANGRY at you. You do realize it takes between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, right? Do you love him enough to wait that long for him? My bet is you don't. Sorry, but that's the feeling I get from reading your post.


LM - I know I hurt and betrayed him, and I know that he is angry and devastated. Im curious why you think Im trying to confuse him or sabotage his relationships? Because I asked him if there was ever a chance for us in the future? I know how much we both loved each other. And I honestly think me working through my issues there could be a chance. I did not realize that it took that long to recover - thank you for posting. I do love him enough to wait. But I need to love myself first. Get me back into healthy living instead of the lying and deceiving I had done in the past. I have issues. I am working through them - that is the first step of ever being in a healthy relationship going forward. Who knows? Maybe one day we will work it out. Maybe we wont. But I need to do this for myself first. So the answer to your question is yes. I would wait. Because I DO love him that much.

As for custody - it was a mere question. Would I do it? Absolutely not. It was just something the same girlfriend that told me about the money he had stashed thought I should do. I questioned it because it was something she had placed within my mind.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> LM is right - a bit more blunt than me, but you need to listen. The only way you have any chance is by letting him go, completely.
> 
> The fact is you are still playing games here. You are angry that he got more than you out of the split. If you really loved him you would be pleased he is doing well following the worst thing that ever happened to him. Good for him on the girlfriend and the motorcycle, frankly. And you think taking him to court again is going to predispose him to coming back?
> 
> Let him go, build a life for yourself, look after yourself, love him in any way he let's you and see what happens.


I dont think Im playing any games. Please tell me what Ive done that is playing games? And Im not angry at all about what he got out of the divorce. If I wanted anything more - I would have asked for it. He told me I could have anything. I could still go back and take anything at anytime.. I guess it just surprised me more than anything that he had stashed all the money away. The custody thing was a question. The same girlfriend that told me about the money said maybe I should ask for custody. Would I do it - absolutely not. 

Therapy last night - my counselor gave me homework part one - writing a letter to my mother (she had an affair on my father, still to this day hasnt acknowledged it - cannot forgive her. My T said because I am still hurt from that, it wraps into the affair that I had and how I cant forgive myself. I learned since I loathe my mother for doing that to my father - I know loathe myself and cannot forgive.) Part 2 of the homework - to go to my ExH and tell him that I have let him go. I left the office, drove over to my ExH to get my son. And told my ExH these exact words: I am letting you go. You need to let me go. I will not be contacting you any longer unless it has to do with our son, because I need to get healthy. If I call and I speak of something other than our son, please tell me that I am off track. 
The look in his eyes when I said that. He was surprised. He said ok - is that what your councelor told you to do? I said yes, turned and walked up the stairs. My son was at the top of the stairs - gave me the biggest hug and kiss that he could give me. I set him down - told him to give his Dad a hug and a kiss and turned to leave, grabbing some mail that was on the table for me. I got to the door, and the ExH said something to me - I answered and left. My son comes running out to the car, only to have my ExH say - wait - you have mail. I already grabbed it, so I put the car in reverse to leave. He comes out with a paper, holds his finger up, comes to the car. It was something for boy scouts, asked if I could take one of the spots because he was going to have to work late all next week. I told him the spot, asked him to call my work VM to leave me a reminder because I have too much going on within me right now. He said ok. And again - the look he gave me was like - you are really doing this? It was something. Alot of love in his eyes. Anyway - I said thanks, and left. 

Im keeping a journal. When I want to call or text him, I have friends that said call me. Text me. I know I have to let him go. For me. For my health. For me to love myself first. I have alot of issues that I need to peel through before I can ever be in a relationship again. Im not one of those that will jump into a rebound relationship - as I feel he has with her. But whatever - each his own. Thanks SeeSaw for keeping me in place. I do appreciate your replies to my posts.


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## Seesaw

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> I dont think Im playing any games. Please tell me what Ive done that is playing games? And Im not angry at all about what he got out of the divorce. If I wanted anything more - I would have asked for it. He told me I could have anything. I could still go back and take anything at anytime.. I guess it just surprised me more than anything that he had stashed all the money away. The custody thing was a question. The same girlfriend that told me about the money said maybe I should ask for custody. Would I do it - absolutely not.
> 
> Therapy last night - my counselor gave me homework part one - writing a letter to my mother (she had an affair on my father, still to this day hasnt acknowledged it - cannot forgive her. My T said because I am still hurt from that, it wraps into the affair that I had and how I cant forgive myself. I learned since I loathe my mother for doing that to my father - I know loathe myself and cannot forgive.) Part 2 of the homework - to go to my ExH and tell him that I have let him go. I left the office, drove over to my ExH to get my son. And told my ExH these exact words: I am letting you go. You need to let me go. I will not be contacting you any longer unless it has to do with our son, because I need to get healthy. If I call and I speak of something other than our son, please tell me that I am off track.
> The look in his eyes when I said that. He was surprised. He said ok - is that what your councelor told you to do? I said yes, turned and walked up the stairs. My son was at the top of the stairs - gave me the biggest hug and kiss that he could give me. I set him down - told him to give his Dad a hug and a kiss and turned to leave, grabbing some mail that was on the table for me. I got to the door, and the ExH said something to me - I answered and left. My son comes running out to the car, only to have my ExH say - wait - you have mail. I already grabbed it, so I put the car in reverse to leave. He comes out with a paper, holds his finger up, comes to the car. It was something for boy scouts, asked if I could take one of the spots because he was going to have to work late all next week. I told him the spot, asked him to call my work VM to leave me a reminder because I have too much going on within me right now. He said ok. And again - the look he gave me was like - you are really doing this? It was something. Alot of love in his eyes. Anyway - I said thanks, and left.
> 
> Im keeping a journal. When I want to call or text him, I have friends that said call me. Text me. I know I have to let him go. For me. For my health. For me to love myself first. I have alot of issues that I need to peel through before I can ever be in a relationship again. Im not one of those that will jump into a rebound relationship - as I feel he has with her. But whatever - each his own. Thanks SeeSaw for keeping me in place. I do appreciate your replies to my posts.


Biggest game was the custody thing. You answered that, so I will drop it.

Now you are doing well! Seriously well!! 

Don't be afraid to say what you said to him again next time you pick up or drop off your son - don't make a special communication of it. Only thing I would add is that this in no way suggests you don't love him, but that you know how much you have hurt him and are doing the most loving thing you can do. Again, that you are broken and need to get yourself healthy so that you will never hurt him or anyone else again. If that goes well, tell him about the letter to your mother and your feelings about that. Be careful though.

I am a betrayed spouse in reconciliation. That would help me in his position.

DO NOT SLIDE BACK TO BEGGING!!!


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> Biggest game was the custody thing. You answered that, so I will drop it.
> 
> Now you are doing well! Seriously well!!
> 
> Don't be afraid to say what you said to him again next time you pick up or drop off your son - don't make a special communication of it. Only thing I would add is that this in no way suggests you don't love him, but that you know how much you have hurt him and are doing the most loving thing you can do. Again, that you are broken and need to get yourself healthy so that you will never hurt him or anyone else again. If that goes well, tell him about the letter to your mother and your feelings about that. Be careful though.
> 
> I am a betrayed spouse in reconciliation. That would help me in his position.
> 
> DO NOT SLIDE BACK TO BEGGING!!!


Thank you SeeSaw - And I am so sorry to hear you were the betrayed one. How are things with your relationship? Im sorry - I havent read any of your posts on your story. 

I have to say - I got through the first half of today without texts or contacting him in anyway. Its hard. Called my sis and then another GF that were both saying the same as you had. I wish I had listened to you guys sooner. I read the 180 thing. I know that it is more for married couples, but I think it something that would work as well for those that are divorced - even to bring a better sense of moving on and becoming a healthy person. I actually printed it, and will carry it with me wherever I go - just to give me that added strength. 

Hopefully, someday - I will be able to share the letters my T is asking me to write with ExH. Hopefully it will give him some insight into whatever is going on within me. Even if we never reconcile - I would still want to share them with him. I guess I really dont know when the right time would be to let him read these letters, you know?

In all honesty, I dont know if I want to make myself vulnerable in my mind by going into the house to get my son. I just think its too soon to see or interact with him in anyway other than just talking about my son. Its all too fresh telling him Ive let him go. I dont think I really want to do that now - cause Id want to talk to him again about us - you know? Is that crazy?


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## Seesaw

Here is my story if you have time.

No Contact Rule and Being Sorry

If it is too soon to say more to him then steer clear. That is good and right given your state of mind.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> Here is my story if you have time.
> 
> No Contact Rule and Being Sorry
> 
> If it is too soon to say more to him then steer clear. That is good and right given your state of mind.


Hey SS - just read your story in its entirety. Your W reminds me SO much of everything I was doing to my ExH. Sadly, it took us ending in divorce to really realize what it was that I was doing. Like I said in previous posts, I am working on me. I have alot of issues within me that I know need to be resolved before I can love myself, and love anyone again. I will get to that point because I am strong enough, and even though I dont feel as if I love myself - I do love myself enough to get healthy.

Im glad that last post was that things are going well for you guys. I really wish I had stepped back and realized what it was that I was doing to our relationship and marriage before it got to the point of divorce. 

Thank you for pointing me to your story - it gave an inside look at what my ExH was most likely feeling at the time. He just gave up thinking he would never be able to trust me again. Im hoping in time that will change. Till then - Im on the road to recovery of myself.


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## Seesaw

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> Hey SS - just read your story in its entirety. Your W reminds me SO much of everything I was doing to my ExH. Sadly, it took us ending in divorce to really realize what it was that I was doing. Like I said in previous posts, I am working on me. I have alot of issues within me that I know need to be resolved before I can love myself, and love anyone again. I will get to that point because I am strong enough, and even though I dont feel as if I love myself - I do love myself enough to get healthy.
> 
> Im glad that last post was that things are going well for you guys. I really wish I had stepped back and realized what it was that I was doing to our relationship and marriage before it got to the point of divorce.
> 
> Thank you for pointing me to your story - it gave an inside look at what my ExH was most likely feeling at the time. He just gave up thinking he would never be able to trust me again. Im hoping in time that will change. Till then - Im on the road to recovery of myself.


I have a feeling that one day you will be a good and loving wife with a good husband. That may or may not be possible with the man you want now, but it is possible and you can do it. Keep on track and keep posting.

My biggest problem at the moment is that my wife is still not convinced she wants to be married at all, so we still have hard times. At least I have an absolute assurance that she will leave me BEFORE anything happens with someone else if that is what she wants. That is good enough for me at the moment and progress is still being made very, very slowly.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Seesaw said:


> I have a feeling that one day you will be a good and loving wife with a good husband. That may or may not be possible with the man you want now, but it is possible and you can do it. Keep on track and keep posting.
> 
> My biggest problem at the moment is that my wife is still not convinced she wants to be married at all, so we still have hard times. At least I have an absolute assurance that she will leave me BEFORE anything happens with someone else if that is what she wants. That is good enough for me at the moment and progress is still being made very, very slowly.


Thank you SeeSaw - and well wishes for you as well. I knew at the time I wanted to be married to my ExH - just was to stubborn to do anything about it. I have to get over the what if I had done this, what if I had done that thing as well. Its the past. Learn from it, and move on. And can I tell you - this whole NC thing is KILLING me... I just want to send a text hi. Or How was your day. I havent. Staying stong.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

Day #2 - NC. Woke up at 4 with thought of ExH. I have not contacted him as of yet, but this morning was hard. My son came to bed with me last night, I turned over and watched him sleep for a bit - gave him a kiss on his forehead and apologized for ruining his family. He didnt hear me - I guess it was more for me because if he would have heard it, he would have denied that I had anything to do with the end. 

Today, one of our mutual close friends told me that they have asked a few times about the new GF, but he basically changes the subject. I dont get it. This guy is his closest friend, and he doesnt know anything about the GF? But, the guy and his GF that live two houses up from me know everything? Any ideas why he would be so secretive to his closest friend and his wife?


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## jh52

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> Day #2 - NC. Woke up at 4 with thought of ExH. I have not contacted him as of yet, but this morning was hard. My son came to bed with me last night, I turned over and watched him sleep for a bit - gave him a kiss on his forehead and apologized for ruining his family. He didnt hear me - I guess it was more for me because if he would have heard it, he would have denied that I had anything to do with the end.
> 
> Today, one of our mutual close friends told me that they have asked a few times about the new GF, but he basically changes the subject. I dont get it. This guy is his closest friend, and he doesnt know anything about the GF? But, the guy and his GF that live two houses up from me know everything? Any ideas why he would be so secretive to his closest friend and his wife?


AMD -- concentrate on getting yourself better and finding out the reason(s) for your affairs. You need to detach and do a 180 -- the 180 is for you and no one else. It will make you a better person, woman and wife in the future. You need to detach from exh so that he has time to miss you. You contacting him everyday does not give him that opportunity.

As well as keeping tabs on him through friends -- please don't do that anymore because it is not helping you in anyway.

These are just suggestions --and I am not judging you. Just trying to have you see it from another POV.

Good luck !!


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

jh52 said:


> AMD -- concentrate on getting yourself better and finding out the reason(s) for your affairs. You need to detach and do a 180 -- the 180 is for you and no one else. It will make you a better person, woman and wife in the future. You need to detach from exh so that he has time to miss you. You contacting him everyday does not give him that opportunity.
> 
> As well as keeping tabs on him through friends -- please don't do that anymore because it is not helping you in anyway.
> 
> These are just suggestions --and I am not judging you. Just trying to have you see it from another POV.
> 
> Good luck !!


Thanks JH52 - havent spoke to him since Wednesday - hardest thing Ive ever done going from being best friends, talking everyday to nothing. I printed the list of the 180 - carry it with my now daily to read when Im feeling out of sorts. I have asked my friends not to tell me anything more about him - but when they start, I cant help but want to know, you know? 

I wish I could see and afford my counselor more than once a week. I always walk out feeling alittle better about myself. Thank you for the tips. Im trying. Im trying..


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## ferndog

spun said:


> Always Mrs DeWitt said:
> 
> 
> 
> I understand he doesnt owe me anything. But I know he loves me as much as I do.
> 
> Sometimes love alone is not enough to keep two people together.
> 
> Maybe the two of you can get back together. But it is going to take a long time to rebuild the trust and respect that is necessary of a marriage to thrive, if that's even possible
> 
> 
> 
> This is what my ex told me. Love is there but that's not enough. It's tough for one to admit their faults and get better. I'm glad I have seen this and getting better. So when one breaks up they shouldn't worry about the other person. They should focus on themselves to be the best they can be.
> 
> Remember with him or without it doesn't matter because you can't escape yourself so try to love yourself
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...


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## jameskimp

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> And told my ExH these exact words: I am letting you go. You need to let me go. I will not be contacting you any longer unless it has to do with our son, because I need to get healthy. If I call and I speak of something other than our son, please tell me that I am off track.
> 
> And again - the look he gave me was like - you are really doing this? It was something. Alot of love in his eyes. Anyway - I said thanks, and left.


No offense, but you are one delusional woman. Why would you need to let him go? He already LET YOU GO by getting a girlfriend and ummm...divorcing you.

You also numerously state that he is in love with you and even try to goad him into saying it when I really see very little indication that the feeling is reciprocated.

Leave the poor guy alone. Lets see, you cheated on him twice and then said he could date other people, and now that you see he's coping well without you and got a gf, you instantly have to go back to him. 

I applaud the NC now, the one thing you are doing right in my opinion. It will allow him to move on.


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

jameskimp said:


> No offense, but you are one delusional woman. Why would you need to let him go? He already LET YOU GO by getting a girlfriend and ummm...divorcing you.
> 
> You also numerously state that he is in love with you and even try to goad him into saying it when I really see very little indication that the feeling is reciprocated.
> 
> Leave the poor guy alone. Lets see, you cheated on him twice and then said he could date other people, and now that you see he's coping well without you and got a gf, you instantly have to go back to him.
> 
> I applaud the NC now, the one thing you are doing right in my opinion. It will allow him to move on.


Apparently you didnt read that was what my COUNSELOR asked me to do..... heres the thing. My past is screwed up. There are REASONS I am the person I am. I DO love this man with all my heart. YES - I made mistakes. BTW - who are YOU to judge.


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## jameskimp

Always Mrs DeWitt said:


> Apparently you didnt read that was what my COUNSELOR asked me to do..... heres the thing. My past is screwed up. There are REASONS I am the person I am. I DO love this man with all my heart. YES - I made mistakes. BTW - who are YOU to judge.


You give me permission to judge when you posted on this public forum asking for others' opinions. In case you didn't notice, that is the whole purpose of this website. That is what I am doing. Please don't get defensive because it's something you don't want to hear (or admit).

I never denied that you love him. But, what good is that "love" after all the things that you've done and are still doing?


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## Always Mrs DeWitt

jameskimp said:


> You give me permission to judge when you posted on this public forum asking for others' opinions. In case you didn't notice, that is the whole purpose of this website. That is what I am doing. Please don't get defensive because it's something you don't want to hear (or admit).
> 
> I never denied that you love him. But, what good is that "love" after all the things that you've done and are still doing?





jameskimp said:


> You give me permission to judge when you posted on this public forum asking for others' opinions. In case you didn't notice, that is the whole purpose of this website. That is what I am doing. Please don't get defensive because it's something you don't want to hear (or admit).
> 
> I never denied that you love him. But, what good is that "love" after all the things that you've done and are sptill doing?


I am defensive because I admit the mistakes I have made. I do love this man, and I wish I could take away all the hurt and suffering I have caused. But I cant. I can only make myself a better person, and hopefully one day he will see the person that I am, as I was when we were first married. Even if we never get together again, I need to be healthy for my son. He didnt want this divorce anymore than I wanted it. Whatever...



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I can tell that you have a long road ahead of you. It is true that both of you may get back together but that's not going to happen anytime soon if at all. You need to focus on yourself . Yes you cheated and I applaud your ex for respecting himself enough not to put up with this.

You may be a great woman with a lot to offer but I'm also sure your ex has great qualities that the men you cheated with cannot measure too. What you forgot was that all you needed was at home. But in order for you to learn and get better is to realize he is gone. You cannot worry about him only about yourself. He is starting a new life that is why the gf is in the picture. 

What you are doing is ok. Last thing you need to do now is have a bf. you need to focus on your issues admit and fix all your issues and then once you respect and love yourself then you'll be ready to offer something. Don't kick yourself for your mistakes but don't use them as a way to avoid the hard work. Put in the time and raise your value. 

Once you are the best you that's when you can start dating. Don't give up hope but realize that he isn't waiting on you and all the signs show it.

Questions to focus on
Why did I cheat?
Why did I hurt the man I love so much?
What am I not happy about (myself not others)?
What do I like about myself?
How can I improve?
What lifestyle changes do I need to change?

Things that always help are positive changes.

Exercise,motivation,work habits, productive hobbies, family outings

To gain his trust and respect is going to be hard, and more while he's in a relationship. I hope you make changes for yourself because he may never take you back

But you have to realize also look in the mirror, what have you changed about your self to make you valuable? Not much yet. But stay focused and you can do it. Change, change for the better .
Focus on yourself. 

Good luck and wish you happiness
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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