# Separated for a year and wife wants me back?



## tonyjim (Nov 27, 2012)

I could sure use some unbiased advice… I have been separated for a year, wife of 11 years moved out 7 months ago. We always cared and loved for each other, but grew apart in the last few years and i sensed some distance, and from time to time, felt that she wasn't happy. Last year i found out that she had been unfaithful throughout our entire marriage… with 3 different men, and one emotionally. I did feel this at times and tried to find out if my suspicions were right, but never could catch her… at times i just thought that maybe i was a jealous insane person. Turns out, i was right. She told me that she had loved one of the men on and off over the years, these affairs weren't ongoing, more like on for a couple of years, and off for a couple of years. By the time i had found out, she had ended things and was trying to make things right with me. I believe her, because i have always cared and loved for her, very much. Her reasons for the affairs she says were all to do with her, and not me. 

So we decided to separate, because she felt that we couldn't go on, and that i would not be able to forgive her (which i have)… i begged her to stay, but she left. So i decided to try and be her friend and help her out.. moving, things around her new house and so on. I stared dating someone very soon after she left, and it helped me through my devastation. But as time went by, my ex and i became closer, and found ourselves in bed together. So i ended things with the new woman, as i knew that my confused state of mind would only hurt her. 

Now my wife thinks that we have found our way back to each other and is asking me to give it another go. She feels that if we really couldn't stay apart, there must be reasons deep down for it. I somewhat agree… i care and love her so much, but was starting to move on. I feel that the new relationship i was having with this new wonderful woman got trampled on due to an ex that was changing her mind. Don't get me wrong, i played a big part in that too.. i had a very hard time not wanting to see the ex.

Today we are a final decision stage, she wants to know what i want to do.. and i just can't seem to figure it out. I didn't want her to leave, but she did… and i remained her friend. I started to move on (maybe too soon?), and part of me wished she did too.. maybe we would both be in a better place. Rather than feeling like we're going through a massive breakup again. 

This is of course a very condensed version of what happened. But the facts are, we were always good friends, had a good family and regular sex life. But she was unfaithful many, many times… with a few men. And when it was all coming to an end, i found out, and here we are. I love her, I forgive her, but i just can't go through that again, and am having a very hard time letting go of someone that i cared so much about, for so long. Is there a real chance to start over, or do you just pick up and move one… putting yourself first. I always believed that marriage was "in good times, and bad times" about sticking together.

Thanks for listening.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Just because she needs you, doesn't means she loves you. Just a thought.

Also, has she changed as a person? What has she done to deal with her baggage? 7 months is not long enough even with intensive individual therapy.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I stopped reading here :



> Last year i found out that she had been unfaithful throughout our entire marriage… with 3 different men, and one emotionally.


My advice is ABSOLUTELY NO . Period !

Not with 1, not with 2 but with 3 and 1 emotional !!! 

C'mon man !

Are they ONLY 3 ?

Or if you push her they'll pop up as mushrooms after the rain ?!?!?!

NO ! NO ! NO and NO ! Period.

If it was one you can say hm ok, she was not in a clear state of mind , emotionally drained etc ... but 3+ ... c'mon man !


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## Traveller321 (Nov 26, 2012)

It's just me, but I would tell her to p*ss off.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Depends on how badly you need sex. If it's worth another lost decade of your life and a train load of pain then I think you should totally pretend that your exwife loves you again. 

Sarcasm switch turned off... Look at your posting. Taking your wife back to a loving relationship assumes that you had one to begin with. It sounds like your marriage wasn't anything more than a foil for her affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

What do YOU want? 

Are you both in counseling? 

Has she done anything to prove that she has changed? Has she been completely transparent with you about the affairs?

Are you willing to deal with the triggers, thoughts, lack of trust, etc that comes with reconciliation?

As D2H said, what makes you think she does not just need you around, instead of genuinely loving you?

The fact is, yes, you can move forward from this. The question is do YOU want to?


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Don't do this to yourself bro. RUN and never look back. She cheated on you multiple times. Have some self respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I have to agree with most people here. My wife cheated on me once and IMO that's all it takes. You can make excuses all day long for cheating. Weren't happy in the marriage, Going through midlife crisis, fighting depression etc. But they are excuses. Everyone knows right from wrong and cheating on your spouse in any form is wrong. Above anything it shows you they were more concerned about themselves and how they feel then the pain and suffering they caused their spouse. That is not love. Love is caring for someone enough that even if the marriage goes south, you as delicately as possible, get a divorce then move on and find someone else. After exhausting all other options for help. Not go cheat first knowing what you are doing and let the pieces fall where they may. That is self centered, narcissistic, highly destructive and juvenile. Speaks volumes about the character of the person by their actions.

I'm not saying someone can't learn and redeem themselves, but after 3 times? How many more times are needed before someone is unforgivable or even predictable?

But I suppose they say Love is blind so if you feel you love her do what you must. Just be careful if you do.


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## tonyjim (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for some great reply's. I know it seems what the obvious thing to do is. It's hard when you have loved someone for so long to think about letting them go. I believe that she does really love me too.

She is getting help, councelling, and is willing to try anything to make things work. But so much has happened, sometimes I think it's going to be better for both of us if we move on with our lives, separately. Time will tell.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Does she love you? Really? I thought she loved this other guy, or may the one before him, who knows?

You don't deserve that - no-one does. You're comfortable, your relationship is comfortable, she hated the thought that you were moving on and manipulated you back into her bed to keep you on your leash. 

Tell her to go and find someone who doesn't mind her screwing other guys every now and again because that's what she's after

Three times (at least) in 11 years - and she has the cheek to say she loves you. Tsk tsk


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you tell her that once she gets a better handle on what she was and who she wants to be that staying friends is the best course of action. A solid year of counseling and you guys readress the issue.

In short lets wait and see if she find someone else before you take her back.

Give her another year to learn the tools to affair proof her relationship, and figure out how she can get control of her lack of boundries and commitment issues.


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

the guy said:


> I suggest you tell her that once she gets a better handle on what she was and who she wants to be that staying friends is the best course of action. A solid year of counseling and you guys readress the issue.
> 
> In short lets wait and see if she find someone else before you take her back.
> 
> Give her another year to learn the tools to affair proof her relationship, and figure out how she can get control of her lack of boundries and commitment issues.


I agree with this. Only if YOU want her back. Do not rush into it. She has to prove it to YOU that she can change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

She's obviously a serial cheater.

How could you ever trust her?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It sounds as though maybe you love her more than you love yourself.

We can tell you that she must remain at least 6 or 12 months in therapy, but the reality is that you will sleep with her during that time. Because you want to and you don't want to lose her. And that will complicate things. 

She should go to therapy regardless of what else she does in her life. I think you should, too. Separately.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

I can't imagine the word "trust " after 3+ cheats !

What will be the excuse ? Umm... ammm ... hmmm .... was rainy , gas prices are high , last summer was very dry ... is that ?

C'mon man !


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Are you ready to hear the truth, tonyjim, or do you just want people to make you feel better? If you want the truth, read on! If you just want to feel better, then please skip my response.



> Last year i found out that she had been unfaithful throughout our entire marriage… with 3 different men, and one emotionally.


You JUST FOUND OUT LAST YEAR that your wife has been a cheating skank for 11 years! That must be a hard thing to hear. I wish you wouldn't say she was 'unfaithful', that sounds so clinical, so nice! She was unfaithful...yes, she lost herself and stepped out of line for reasons even SHE's not clear on...oh, wait, THAT'S NOT IT! She was having SEXUAL RELATIONS with some other man for YEARS. Years of servicing him for sex. And some other man BEFORE him. And some OTHER man before THAT. That's a LOT OF sex acts. A lot of lying. A lot of selfishness. A lot of screwed up! Okay, THAT sounds more like what was REALLY going on; none of this namby-pamby 'she was unfaithful'. Let's be real - she was WHORING around town for YEARS with multiple men...for YEARS...you just caught up with all of that a year ago. WHY AREN'T you OUTRAGED???


> never could catch her… at times i just thought that maybe i was a jealous insane person. Turns out, i was right


 Yep, she loves you SO MUCH she just let you think you were crazy for 11 years, let you take the blame for being a jealous, crazy, control freak. But you weren't crazy, were you? You were a normal sane man that SHE TRIED TO MAKE feel badly about himself and tried to get to doubt himself. She was willing to ruin your psyche, destroy you and your sense of self so SHE could stroke her own ego and feed her own demons by SCREWING OTHER MEN FOR YEARS. WHY does that not fill you with disgust, with loathing, with horror over how BADLY she abused your mental health (and exposed your physical health to STDs; have you EVEN BEEN TESTED for STDs?)



> She told me that she had loved one of the men on and off over the years





> By the time i had found out, she had ended things and was trying to make things right with me. *I believe her, because i have always cared and loved for her, very much*.


You BELIEVE her because you love her?!? You BELIEVE her because you WANT to. You BELIEVE her because if you don't you'll what...HATE WHAT A LYING TWO-FACED BE-YOTCH SHE IS? Have to admit you were married for over a decade to a worthless 'ho who cuckolded you and had ZERO interest in being your wife, or caring about you? How could you POSSIBLY feel any worse than you did when you found out what she REALLY is? Could you feel any worse if you ADMIT OUT LOUD to yourself what she really is? Maybe you would get GOOD AND ANGRY about how poorly she has treated you, because your passivity is SCARY. It doesn't prove you're mature and loving, your passivity PROVES that you don't believe you deserve to be treated any better than this. And THAT is sad because you DO deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and love for who you are!



> I stared dating someone very soon after she left, and it helped me...But as time went by, my ex and i became closer, and found ourselves in bed together. So i ended things with the new woman


Wow, you started to feel better about yourself and your W had to show back up and muck that up for you, too! She's good at that, isn't she? She wants to make sure you don't start feeling too good about yourself, too strong...because THEN you might be willing to move on and leave her azz where it belongs - IN YOUR PAST. How are you going to be her fall-back plan, her Plan B option, her last resort if you LEAVE HER? What?, you say, you CAN'T be her fall-back plan if you're not on her string?!? The hell you say, NO WONDER she's trying so hard to get you back in line...you're messing with her agenda!



> I believe that she does really love me too.


Yep, and you believed that for 11 years while you were getting her 'sloppy seconds'. Delightful memories, no?



> She is getting help, councelling, and is willing to try anything to make things work


Except, she STILL HASN'T REALLY CHANGED, has she? She STILL can't/won't respect boundaries! You have a woman friend you're dating? So what! If your W wants to INTERFERE in your relationship with another woman, well let's just bat some eyelashes at you, tell you another round of Sweet Lies, and give you some more of those 'sloppy seconds'. There you go, she's got you all roped into her cozy little life again, hasn't she.

If you can honestly read ALL THESE comments on your thread and not see your W for the selfish, needy, screwed-up bee-yotch she ACTUALLY IS, then there is NOTHING anyone can say/do/invent/teach/design that will help you out of the WEB of this woman! You are in for a LIFETIME of misery.

How could she EVER change her behavior?
How could you EVER believe her if she did?
Why should you WASTE what's left of your life figuring out WHICH ONE is actually true?


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## tonyjim (Nov 27, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser, thanks for the very detailed reality breakdown! I agree with some of it, but not all of it. I certainly made myself available re-connecting with her. I was always there to help her around her new house, try to be a friend, and talked about the past. We discussed many of our issues, and the things she did. That's partially my fault too! But i do know the reality of what she did... for years. And it did kill me.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

tonyjim said:


> But i do know the reality of what she did... for years. And it did kill me.


Why do you want her back then ?

To " kill " you again in a year or two ?

Do you love to torture your self ?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Go thru with the divorce ... date her afterwards. She has a lot of work to do for you to let her back in. However, she better be worth it. Doesn't sound like it on paper.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tonyjim said:


> I could sure use some unbiased advice… I have been separated for a year, wife of 11 years moved out 7 months ago. We always cared and loved for each other, but grew apart in the last few years and i sensed some distance, and from time to time, felt that she wasn't happy. Last year i found out that she had been unfaithful throughout our entire marriage… with 3 different men, and one emotionally. I did feel this at times and tried to find out if my suspicions were right, but never could catch her… at times i just thought that maybe i was a jealous insane person. Turns out, i was right. She told me that she had loved one of the men on and off over the years, these affairs weren't ongoing, more like on for a couple of years, and off for a couple of years. By the time i had found out, she had ended things and was trying to make things right with me. I believe her, because i have always cared and loved for her, very much. Her reasons for the affairs she says were all to do with her, and not me.
> 
> So we decided to separate, because she felt that we couldn't go on, and that i would not be able to forgive her (which i have)… i begged her to stay, but she left. So i decided to try and be her friend and help her out.. moving, things around her new house and so on. I stared dating someone very soon after she left, and it helped me through my devastation. But as time went by, my ex and i became closer, and found ourselves in bed together. So i ended things with the new woman, as i knew that my confused state of mind would only hurt her.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She had been with you long enough to know which side her toast was buttered on. Leaving you was her idea. Having at least three affairs was her idea. I very strongly suspect she left you to hang out with another guy. That apparently didn't work out well so now she's coming back to plan "B" because being with you beats being alone. 

I would cut my losses and either live alone or find a woman who would consider me her number one. You two haven't found your way back to each other. You begged her to stay and she walked. When it suited her purpose (after she got dumped by some other guy) she came back. You are the passive figure in this entire drama. What you think or want doesn't matter and it never has. 
She wants whatever security she gets from you while still retaining the freedom to do whomever and whatever. After 11 years, she knows you and she walked away. She knows you and she cheated...repeatedly. She isn't going to discover anything new about you if you give her another go. You aren't going to discover anything new about her. You both tried it. It didn't work. You can't trust her. You just don't blow her skirt up. Move along. You aren't her cup tea but you could be someone's.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even I OP is still around after 3 yrs, I'm guessing he has moved on with a new chick and his ex wakes up in the morning wipes off the mess between her legs and off her face and wonders why she can't find a meaningful relationship.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

tonyjim said:


> I could sure use some unbiased advice… I have been separated for a year, wife of 11 years moved out 7 months ago. We always cared and loved for each other, but grew apart in the last few years and i sensed some distance, and from time to time, felt that she wasn't happy. Last year i found out that she had been unfaithful throughout our entire marriage… with 3 different men, and one emotionally. I did feel this at times and tried to find out if my suspicions were right, but never could catch her… at times i just thought that maybe i was a jealous insane person. Turns out, i was right. She told me that she had loved one of the men on and off over the years, these affairs weren't ongoing, more like on for a couple of years, and off for a couple of years. By the time i had found out, she had ended things and was trying to make things right with me. I believe her, because i have always cared and loved for her, very much. Her reasons for the affairs she says were all to do with her, and not me.
> 
> So we decided to separate, because she felt that we couldn't go on, and that i would not be able to forgive her (which i have)… i begged her to stay, but she left. So i decided to try and be her friend and help her out.. moving, things around her new house and so on. I stared dating someone very soon after she left, and it helped me through my devastation. But as time went by, my ex and i became closer, and found ourselves in bed together. So i ended things with the new woman, as i knew that my confused state of mind would only hurt her.
> 
> ...


TJ, you don't realize this, but you are one really messed up dude.

I'm not optimistic that you can get better, but it costs me nothing to opine and offer some suggestions.

You need Individual Counseling, lots of it, and NOW!

See, man, you have no self-esteem. Yes, you read that right. Your Mommy never hugged you enough as a kid. Nobody ever told you,

"tonyjim, you're going to grow up to be a good man. When you do, you deserve a good woman who will treat you well and love and cherish you. Don't you dare settle for anything less!!!!!!"

So go get some counseling, and explore why you have such a low opinion of yourself. Because you need to fix that.

And while you're at it, have the therapist teach you about (healthy) Relationship Boundaries. Here is an example of a good relationship boundary:

"I, tonyjim, do not tolerate infidelity from my partner, nor will I be unfaithful to her."

For an example of a bad relationship boundary, or actually, a nonexistent one, re-read your fist post.

Boundaries, expectations of behavior, are IMPORTANT in a healthy relationship. You don't have any boundaries at all, and that, combined with your really bad choice of a wife, has put you in this embarrassing predicament.

You're a man.

Take some control over your life by making better choices.

Reading list-

Married Man Sex Life Primer
Surviving an Affair
The Dangerous Book for Boys

I Found My Testicles and You Can't Steal Them Again
Woman, Stop Peeing on My Stuff
You cheated? You're GONE|!


Yeah, okay, those last 3 aren't books yet, but when I get some spare time, look out!

Best seller list, here I come.

Tj, the absolute worst thing you can do with your life is to take your cheating unfaithful wife who doesn't even love you, back.

I hope you don't do that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> TJ, you don't realize this, but you are one really messed up dude.
> 
> I'm not optimistic that you can get better, but it costs me nothing to opine and offer some suggestions.
> 
> ...


This thread is over 3 years old. Perhaps you could start a thread of your own and share your story there. That way you can get support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zobie Thread


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