# My dirty little secret...



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So first, let me just say this place makes me feel so much better. I can't tell you how isolated I feel in terms of grief about my divorce. People don't get it. But misery loves company, and just reading about people having a hard time in the Holiday's and not know who the spouse or ex spouse was...I know that feeling. And suddenly I didn't feel alone.

So my x informed me in the middle of July that he didn't want to work on our marriage anymore. I was pretty unhappy for a lot of reasons. I will say this. I wasn't a perfect wife. I am not a perfect person. I had my flaws. But I was willing to work on it, and to work on our marriage. But when he said he was done, I didn't see the point in hanging in there. 

I did pretty good. I suspected that he was having an emotional affair, called him on it, and he admitted it. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal, because "she was emotionally unavailable." I told him that it didn't really matter, because he was still putting her before me. But we didn't really fight about it. He didn't want to be married to me anyway. We were renters. I moved out of the home in September and filed for a divorce. We didn't have children, or debt, and not a lot of community property, so it was cut and dry. 

The last time we spoke was when I confirmed that he was moving into an apartment next to my brother and sister in law's house. And I do mean next to. As in they can see into each others windows. He didn't seem to get why I was really upset about it. But after that all communication came about through text and only if necessary. I got through September and October, and I started to feel better in November. I thought I had made it through the hump. But my Holiday was awful and I cried through most of it. Part of it was how much I missed my Mother in Law. I really loved her and we did Christmas and I've lost her. (I mean we don't hate each other it's just that we aren't family anymore.) And of course, my brother and SIL had a Christmas Eve party and I ended up seeing xh, standing in the street (having his nightly cigarette) . I am pretty sure he saw me as well. But I didn't talk to him. And then I went home and cried. 

So I'm making it through. I work in the schools so of course had all that time off. 

So here's my secret...I should be ashamed of myself but I am not. Last night I logged into Facebook using his user name and read his PM's to the woman he was having his emotional affair with before. It's now physical. And it makes me sick. It devastates me. At the same time, I am embarrassed for him. She about 10 years younger than him, and doesn't feel the same way about him as he does about her. But I know how good it feels to be adored by this man. It can be like a drug and she's an addict. Even if she doesn't really want him, she likes keeping him around. They have all these conversations about how she's sorry she's acting like his girl friend, and she's sorry she doesn't feel the same way. And he asks her not to mess with his heart. And if he were my friend I would slap him upside his head and say "what's the matter with you?!" But he's not. He's the man the became someone else. That devastated me. Broke his promises to me. And quite honestly, I hope he gets badly burned because he deserves is. 

Also, he's a moron. He doesn't have access to anything of mine. It was first thing I did, I changed all my passwords. But I need to stop looking. I know what I need to know. Although I think it would like to peak when it blows up in his face. 

I am not a vengeful person, but I don't it's wrong to enjoy his suffering if I didn't cause it. Right?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Just how does one have an "emotional affair" with someone who is emotionally unavailable?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You go out to lunch with her. You tell her everything that is going on with your life. You choose to spend your time with her instead of your wife. But he considered her unavailable because she was still (and I think still is) married and sleeping with other people. She's emotionally unavailable but they are still sleeping together. He's "in love" with her. She doesn't feel the same. She feels guilty that she keeps calling him over and they spend the night...he says she shouldn't do it if she doesn't feel it...
Honestly I've been on both sides of that kind of relationship. In my early 20's. He's of course 41...so it's just pathetic.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

What I wish, is that even though I "know" he is a different person. He is not the person I was in love with...I wish I could stay focused on that. For a little while after looking, I felt...well at first I didn't know what I felt. Then I felt embarrassed for him (better than missing him.) Then I felt angry...and now I feel sad. I'm not looking at his messages any more, because I don't think it helps me any more. 

I just really needed to know...is he as messed about the divorce like I am? And if so how much and in what way. The answer is he is messed up but not completely about the divorce. He's moved on. He's farther than me. 
And I am so freaking done with grieving. I am so tired of carrying around this sadness. If I'm not completely busy and distracted I feel this horrible feeling of despair.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> You go out to lunch with her. You tell her everything that is going on with your life. You choose to spend your time with her instead of your wife. But he considered her unavailable because she was still (and I think still is) married and sleeping with other people. She's emotionally unavailable but they are still sleeping together. He's "in love" with her. She doesn't feel the same. She feels guilty that she keeps calling him over and they spend the night...he says she shouldn't do it if she doesn't feel it...
> Honestly I've been on both sides of that kind of relationship. In my early 20's. He's of course 41...so it's just pathetic.


Wow. Many people in your position would be all too tempted to send a FB message to OW's husband (but from your ex's account) in order to let him know that "you" are currently sleeping w/ his wife. Oh, and that's she's sleeping w/ others as well. 

(Seriously, don't do that. It might land you in jail.)


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Wow. Many people in your position would be all too tempted to send a FB message to OW's husband (but from your ex's account) in order to let him know that "you" are currently sleeping w/ his wife. Oh, and that's she's sleeping w/ others as well.
> 
> (Seriously, don't do that. It might land you in jail.)


Ha! It would be tempting if not for the fact that even though she is still married. She isn't living with him. She moved out of her husbands house about 6 months before x and I split up. I can't imagine he doesn't know. And even if he doesn't it's not in my character. I really have nothing against her. She isn't the problem. Like I said this isn't the first woman that he has "fallen in love with" since our marriage. The first time I knew about it, he told me after a fight. I was devastated by it. I asked him not to tell me if had feelings for other women. It hurt too much. I suspect there was more...but I was like ostrich. And truthfully I didn't put it together about his current gf, until after he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. But looking back I realize that it was a much bigger problem...and it wasn't wise to ignore it the first time that it happened. I wish I had kicked him out then. I wish I had gotten angry.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

And maybe this is wrong of me. But part of me doesn't want to give any clue that I am snooping. First of all, I don't want him to know that he has any affect on me. And second of all, as dumb as he is, I'm pretty sure that he would change the password, and then I could snoop.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So...I feel like I am a crazy woman. I went to the gym and on my way I thought about everything I had read here, and his messages and I realized he was weak. I mean a really weak man. And you know, I shouldn't be surprised...I married him as a weak man. But I don't think when I married him that I realized love is work. And his addiction to being in love is what carried him. But that wore off. And he was lazy (he was always lazy) and he didn't want to work at love. And so he sought the high. Because he is weak and immature. (It was a running theme, I just didn't realize that it would affect love.) 
But I'm not weak. I have never been weak. I was always strong emotionally. Someone who understood that feelings should be paid attention to, but that in you still had to use logic. And I have never shied away from hard work in anything. I think through most of our marriage, I thought my willingness to do hard work would carry us. And you know, it did for a while. 
But the thing is, I couldn't carry our marriage forever. And he wasn't able to or interested in picking up the slack. 

Two years ago in December, we had a close friend commit suicide. I was the first person who was notified, because I had called for a wellness check. The grief really wrecked us. We had a wake for our friend a few months later. It was an amazing and beautiful thing to do. But it was also the moment that our marriage, which in hind site was at the tipping point already, went over the edge. I was sick. Running a fever. X was mad, because I said that there was a chance that I would want to go home early. He got mad about it. Said that was fine I could go home when I wanted. He wasn't going to drive me, he would just stay the night, because he wanted to hang out with friends. And I lost it. I was so angry with him. This was one of the hardest things I had ever dealt with and I was sick on top of that. I told him I didn't really care about who his friends were, but I was his wife and I should come first. I mean, I had put this wake together (with some other friends) and for him to abandon me just really stung. I was so angry that I actually had to leave the house. I went for a drive to try to calm down, I just couldn't be in the house with him anymore. (That's the first time I thought about divorce.) 
I realize now, of course that 1) had I not been sick I wouldn't have reacted so strongly and 2)The anger had been building up. He had been in nursing school, and he got a lot of slack about his time, because I knew it was hard and he had to study. But once he was out and had a steady job, I expected him to act like my husband. We had had several small tiffs about him choosing to spend time with his friends over me. 
Anyway, he freaked out, while I was out, sent messages begging me to come home, said he was sorry. Suggested we get counseling...

And now this isn't turning into an explanation of why I am a crazy person...but instead the story of our divorce.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So while dealing with the grief of losing my friend, I was also distracted by family issues. My Grandmother was dying. She was in a nursing home and declining. But she wasn't in the same town as me. Instead she was in the town my mother was living in about 3 hours away. About once a month I would drive down and visit my mother and my grandmother. There was a lot of things that needed to be done and my mother was disabled so needed a lot of help. This left X on his own a lot, and he wasn't complaining. 
He didn't come with me on those visits (even though he also has family there) because he was a nurse and had to work on weekends. Every once in a while I would request that he trade with someone so he could come down, and would through a tantrum. I usually gave in and let him stay. And the truth of the matter was he stopped being supportive and instead became another person to take care of while we were there. (I am just realizing this...as I type this..how much he had pulled away from me.) My Grandmother died in October. My mother was diagnosed with cancer in November. I loved my grandmother and I still miss her. But when she died she was 92 with dementia and ready to go. I had done my grieving with her. And instead of despair, I felt happy for her and relieved for myself. The driving back and forth was exhausting and I was so glad to be free of that chore. My mother getting Cancer meant I wasn't free. I have a brother and he too pitched in, but it was still exhausting. And my x still got his weekends to be free.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So in addition to driving back and forth, I have a job that takes a lot of my energy. I am pretty passionate about what I do (I'm a Speech-Language Pathologist) and I work in the schools. So for most of the spring I was focused on other things and didn't realize what was happening. It's not that I didn't give my x attention. I did. But I'll be honest when he wanted to go out with his friends, I didn't mind it so much because it meant I could relax. 

But when school was over, I had more time to focus on our marriage and I realized how skewed everything was. I expected to be included in his social plans and he would openly find ways not to have me come. And I began to resent it. We had a lot of fights about it. He wasn't interested in doing anything as a couple. 

And I'll be honest, I began to wonder what good the relationship was for me.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

You two don't live together. I'm assuming separation and divorce papers have been started. Why are you breeching his Facebook when it doesn't belong to you? You do realise that is a legal problem for you right? Is he worth getting into legal trouble? There are ways of finding out where and when a device has logged into a Facebook profile. If he figures it out he will turn it on you, he will use that against you...

Stop doing that. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't deserve that much caring from you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

When we first got married I wanted kids. He said he was on the fence about them but would do it if it meant he got to be with me. 

Well it turns out I had fertility issues, and it was unable to get pregnant. He agree to go to a fertility Dr with me, but is was amazingly expensive and the hormones made me a crazy woman. And of course the whole time it was obvious how much he didn't want to do this. So after 3 cycles...I quit. It didn't seem worth trying with such bad odds when it was making everyone miserable. 

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is why I was infertile. In addition it makes it easy to gain weight, and hard to lose weight. It also gave me cystic acne. The treatment for it is hormone treatment, aka birth control pill. For several years I didn't take the treatment, because I kept hoping I would get pregnant. And I did, once. I was so scared and miserable at the time. X was an ambulance drive at the time and not making much money. We lived off of my income mostly. And the whole time I was pregnant, it was obvious he was not happy about it. So when my symptoms stopped and I realized that embryo had probably died, I was sad but also relieved. I wasn't sure our marriage would have been able to withstand a baby. (Even though I don't have kids, I work with them. I know how much work they are.) Two days later, it was confirmed that the embryo was dead, and a week later I miscarried. 
I stayed off the pill for another year or so, but never got pregnant again. At some point I decided that it just didn't make sense to be so miserable with my symptoms and not get anything out of it, so I went back on this pill. 
But I hadn't given up on kids. I hoped after x finished nursing school we could look at adoption. 
About 6 months after he finished school he told me he didn't want kids. And that wast that. The no wins.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

CantePe said:


> You two don't live together. I'm assuming separation and divorce papers have been started. Why are you breeching his Facebook when it doesn't belong to you? You do realise that is a legal problem for you right? Is he worth getting into legal trouble? There are ways of finding out where and when a device has logged into a Facebook profile. If he figures it out he will turn it on you, he will use that against you...
> 
> Stop doing that. He doesn't care about you, he doesn't deserve that much caring from you.


I am not particularly worried about him doing anything to me. To begin with, as I said, I've already stopped. It's not good for me for other reasons. 
But if the guy can't figure out how to change his password, I'm not too worried about him figuring out that I've been there. And even if he did find out, which isn't likely, he isn't likely to do anything about it. 
Anyway, he also hasn't changed his password to our shared bank account (which I let him have in the divorce, because I opened up a new account when I kicked him out. ) My name is still on that account and so I could wipe him out. (I wouldn't do that either, but I do think he's a moron.) 

Anyway, yes we don't live together, and we are legally divorced at this point. But I did take the desk top which had all of his stuff on it, and he let me take it...including all the password cookies. 

The other thing...he may not deserve any caring from me. But that doesn't actually stop what I feel. I know he's worthless scum. I would like to erase him from my memory. But I was married to him for 8 years and I knew him for over 20. Just forgetting about him and erasing the emotions I have is actually unreasonable at this point. And I don't regret looking at his facebook. I don't regret violating his privacy, because I don't have any respect for him. And because I learned something I needed to know for me. It helps that I know he's with someone else. It killed the wishful thinking of maybe we could fix this. It's not rational, I know it's not. But it was still there, and I needed to kill it. Finding out about his relationship did help me. But I don't think there is anything else I can get from that. So I stopped. And maybe I will go back again, if I need to (and he still hasn't changed his password.) 

I mean, he has left himself so vulnerable to me, it's not even funny. I have access to his bank account, I can get into his email and facebook, and I even have a key to his apartment, because he's the moron who moved into my brother and SIL apartment right after they moved out to the house next door. (Who does that? Why would he think it's okay to moved into the same complex as my brother? What an ass.) The fact that the worst I have done is snoop through his facebook...well I think that says I have some self control. (Also, I know it wouldn't make me feel better. )


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If you are divorced, you need to move on completely, and not worry or care what he is doing, or how stupid he is. Those are his problems, his life is his life. Make your own and just get over it. Sorry to be so blunt, but I figured you were in the very early stages of a separation. If you are legally divorced...you need to let go, 100%.

If by some miracle, he wants to remarry at some point, you can determine whether or not that is a good idea when/if it happens. Doesn't sound to me like he will. Or that you should.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> If you are divorced, you need to move on completely, and not worry or care what he is doing, or how stupid he is. Those are his problems, his life is his life. Make your own and just get over it. Sorry to be so blunt, but I figured you were in the very early stages of a separation. If you are legally divorced...you need to let go, 100%.
> 
> If by some miracle, he wants to remarry at some point, you can determine whether or not that is a good idea when/if it happens. Doesn't sound to me like he will. Or that you should.


If I could just let it go. I would. Believe me, I would . I did everything I could to let it go. I divorced him. I cut off contact. I don't speak to him on the phone. We have exchanged maybe 6 text messages since I quit speaking to him in September, and it was all about necessary things. 

I don't speak to him or have anything to do with him. 
But strangely enough, after being divorced for 4 months and finding out my marriage is over only 6 months ago. I am not done grieving. 

So what? Because I made it legal I am not entitled to still grieve? 

I didn't know that was a rule. My mistake. 

Look I don't need or want anyone's judgement. I didn't need to read the 180 rules to know that was the way to go. I'm not going back to him nor taking him back. 

But I did lose the most important thing in my life 6 months ago. And I'm not over it. And what's weird about it, is that I would expect people to have been through this to know better. 

I needed to write about it, to talk about it. Most of my friends haven't gone through this and it's really lonely to go through this. And just when I think I'm going to be okay...I get hit with something. Like seeing him on Christmas Eve. 

If you've got advice on how to deal with grief I'm all ears. Otherwise, stuff it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

And while I am at it, I am so tired of having people tell me how to feel. My best friend who I love to no end, keeps telling me how she doesn't want me to be angry and she wishes I wasn't sad. Well I wish that too. I would love to be over this. But I'm not, and I don't think I am a bad person for wishing he was miserable too. 

I don't want to be feeling these things, but I don't actually think I am abnormal for these feeling. I am only 6 months out. I was with him for 10 years. Everything I read and hear says that I've got a long way to go. So I really wish people would stop telling me not to go through this. I didn't sign up for this. It's not where I want to be.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Him being a moron doesn't give you freedom to violate his privacy. The fact you even bring up the fact that you could wipe him out financially means you've actually thought about it to some degree (doesn't mean you will do it, that's not what I'm saying at all).

You are in the rage/angry stage. With great anger at someone, love had to come first. Hateful anger is the complete opposite of love. The place you want to reach for is indifferent peacefulness.

The more you detach, the more you can be indifferent, the more you will be able to be happy again.

Doesn't and will never excuse what he did but you can stop giving him permission to hurt you and you are responsible for how you feel and your happiness.

Get counselling to help you work through it.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Firstly I am sorry that you are Blue, but there is nothing that you have described that is troubling or unusual. You are going through a myriad of emotions and will continue to do so for awhile. The death of your marriage is no different than the death of a person you loved. You will have good days and bad days and despite what anyone thinks you are entitled to all your emotions. Naturally at some point you will move past the guilt, anger, and left over feels of desire for him and move to acceptance that it is what it is and move on with life. How long does that take? To some people this happens in a few months, while others it can take years. While you are in the transition, it seems forever, but I don't it will really be that long in the scheme of things.

We all have gone through these emotion and I don't know a fellow in your position that didn't have thoughts of destroying the other person. However, like you we didn't physically do anything, we were just venting our frustrations. In the end being vindictive does us as much harm as the other person and I doubt that is the real you. Posting on here can be a very cathartic exercise for many people. So if that is helpful to you, post any and all thoughts. 

I do recommend that you take this time to look objectively at this relationship and ask yourself: How could I have handled this better? What would have been a more constructive approach? What measures could I have taken to avoid these problems? Next exercise is good to help with the stress and makes a healthier you. It is also a good time to look for a new wardrobe, hairstyle, hobbie or a class. Do something that is on your bucketlist that you didn't do because you were married. Eventually, you will meet new people and hopefully someone special to share your life. Don't be blue, it is a brave new world out there.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

@ CantePe, you are probably right about the privacy. But in anycase I have stopped looking at his facebook. And of course I've thought about wiping him out. I won't do it. It's not my money. I did threaten to wipe him out when we were still married and he wouldn't leave the house. It was August, and we were looking at separation. I had left for two weeks to house sit for a friend and I found it was too painful to be living with him. I was due to move out September 1. So I told him to leave the house unitl I was out. I told him that if he came back then I was taking all of our money and would use it to pay for a hotel for the next two weeks, but I wasn't living with him. He was pretty upset about that and couldn't figure out why I would do that. But I was desperate. But at that time it was our money. But in our divorce he got that bank account and what was left. (I had already split the money and gotten my own separate account. ) So even though, I have access to it, I don't look at it. But yes, there is a some feeling of satisfaction that I have a lot of power to create havok in his life, it's some good fantasy. But I know the difference between fantasy and reality. I could cause havok, but that would be giving him too much control over my life. And I would probably suffer my consequences. 

But leave me my fantasies. They help me get through the day. 

I am in counseling. And have been since before the divorce. It's part of why I find it so frustrating to be told how to feel. I've worked so hard on not suppressing my feelings, because in my life that has been so destructive. But people everywhere keep telling me how to feel or what not to feel. But my counselor keeps telling me to examine my feelings. 

VFW, don't worry about me being blue. I'm bluewoman because it's my favorite color. I would view my emotions and orange, read, green, or this sickly yellow brown color. The color of vile. Never blue. 
As for handling it better...well so far I've come up...I shouldn't have married him in the first place. 
He was a fixer upper. And I fixed him up. That was the pattern of our relationship. But it's not an equal relationship, and when I couldn't hold the marriage he didn't have the skills to fill in. 
On his end, It was probably stifling. I did eventually pull back to let him take the lead. But the patterns were already there and he had already lost interest. But he might never have been able to pull his fair share. I never gave him the chance in the early part of the marriage. Mostly because I didn't believe he could do it. (To be honest I still don't think he can. But he's in counseling, perhaps he's working on that. ) 

That said, it doesn't excuse the emotional affairs. The active choosing to put other woman ahead of me. 

I am doing several things I wouldn't have done when I was married. It's sad to say, I have finally been able to lose some significant weight once I was no longer living with him. Beyond the fact that he did the grocery shopping and the cooking, there are also no more trigger food for me in my house. He constantly brought home Sweets and chips. His metabolism could handle it. But mine couldn't, and it was really hard not eat it when it was in my face. 
So I've lost 25 pounds and am starting to have more energy and joined a gym. My eating is amazingly healthy, but I eat a lot of food that my X would have considered to be boring. Quinoa and beans? Disgusting in his world. 

I am also flying to meet a friend next weekend. And when I bought the ticket I realized I would never have been able to do this when I was married, because it would be such a negotiation to get him let me spend money on it. 

And I'm going to England. Which I have wanted to do forever and supposed so did he. But he sabotaged our savings pretty much every time with some other trip that we just had to do. But I'm going. This summer. 

So I am doing the right things. And when I am distracted, I'm okay. But it just doesn't fix the feelings. I so want to stop being sad. I want to stop crying myself to sleep. 

During Christmas, I kept wondering if he felt the same way. And I get the ethical issues of looking at his facebook. But honestly, it was better than calling him. At least for me. He doesn't feel the same way. I know it. It stopped that train of though in it's tracks. And I think that was a good thing.

I do wonder if he was sleeping with her before we divorced. Well actually I suspect he was...but more importantly was he sleeping with her before we separated. We didn't have a lot of sex in the end, but we did one or two times, and I would like to know if he put me at risk. But I honestly don't want to ask. So the only other way I could find out is through facebook, but scrolling through thousand of messages would take forever. But honestly I should probably just go and get tested and let it go. 

And I think the death of a marriage is different then the death of a person. When a person dies, you share that grief with other people. When your marriage dies, you carry that grief alone.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

VFW said:


> Firstly I am sorry that you are Blue, but there is nothing that you have described that is troubling or unusual. You are going through a myriad of emotions and will continue to do so for awhile. The death of your marriage is no different than the death of a person you loved. You will have good days and bad days and despite what anyone thinks you are entitled to all your emotions. Naturally at some point you will move past the guilt, anger, and left over feels of desire for him and move to acceptance that it is what it is and move on with life. How long does that take? To some people this happens in a few months, while others it can take years. While you are in the transition, it seems forever, but I don't it will really be that long in the scheme of things.
> 
> We all have gone through these emotion and I don't know a fellow in your position that didn't have thoughts of destroying the other person. However, like you we didn't physically do anything, we were just venting our frustrations. In the end being vindictive does us as much harm as the other person and I doubt that is the real you. Posting on here can be a very cathartic exercise for many people. So if that is helpful to you, post any and all thoughts.
> 
> I do recommend that you take this time to look objectively at this relationship and ask yourself: How could I have handled this better? What would have been a more constructive approach? What measures could I have taken to avoid these problems? Next exercise is good to help with the stress and makes a healthier you. It is also a good time to look for a new wardrobe, hairstyle, hobbie or a class. Do something that is on your bucketlist that you didn't do because you were married. Eventually, you will meet new people and hopefully someone special to share your life. Don't be blue, it is a brave new world out there.



Blue, 

I'm grieving an almost the ending of a 30 yr marriage, not but choice, but by choice now, if that makes any sense. 

I am 4 yrs out from that lost, and it is only now that I am understanding the emotions that I had been put through so unexpectedly. 

I was the Queen of anger, resentment, bitterness, nastiness, hurtfulness, sadness, loneliness, etc. I felt emotions I never even knew I could feel. I questioned my whole life, my whole marriage, my whole world. 

Sadly, it all takes time, something I never would listen to, or believe. Time and distance to be able to put those questions, and hurtful emotions you have into perspective...

Its different for everyone, and the poster that suggested you need to move on, was suggesting you only start to look towards that directions as hard as it may be. I did not, and stayed in limbo for almost 3 years of hell, am still not out. 

Looking back for myself, there is so much I wish I knew then, what I know know...

Hang in there Blue, you're not alone, we all understand the hurt the pain, the sadness.


~sammy


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thanks Sammy.
I am looking foward. I promise. I know on an intellectual level that being divorced opens up many worlds for me. 

I am considering getting my Ph.D., (Something he said he would help me do when he was done with school. Sigh. Another promise broken) I am even considering adoption. I am pretty sure I would be a good candidate to adopting an older child. 

I want to forget my X. But I can't. I want to not care what my X is dong, but I still do. I want to move on, and in many ways I have. 

But in many ways my emotions stop me. 

I go through most of the Grieving stages on a regular basis, although I don't do a lot of denial or bargaining. And I'm still not at the acceptance stage. (so I guess I just go through anger and depression.) 

I know it's time...but when I get hit like this, it just feels like I might depressed and sad forever...It's oppressive. I so want to be sad. I so want to just not care. 
In December I was messaging from a dating site. There were lots of good qualities. But I couldn't take it to the next level (meeting him) because I got slammed with the grief associated with Christmas. This was my first Christmas without my X. And more importantly it was my first Xmas in 10 years with out my in laws. Who I loved very much. 

And that's the sucky part...I lost a lot in this divorce. I lost my cat, I lost friends, and I lost people that were my family. And it's not like they are mad at me, it's just the way things happen. And I am grieving for them as well. 

And then I'm angry with him. I am angry with him for costing me so much. 

And you know, because he hasn't taken care of things like taking my name off of his checking account still get a text message every week on what his account balance is. I wish it would stop. Because I resent that as well. 

For most of our marriage I was the bread winner, and he had no problem spending my money. But just when he's finally got his own money and there is more to share, he moves on. I feel like such a sucker. I feel used. And I know that's not what he intended, but it still makes me feel horrible. 

And I don't know what to do with these feelings. I know suppressing them will cause things like emotional eating, and interfere with my sleep and in general make me unhealthy (something I have been working on, since my Divorce.) 

So I am writing about my feelings. I am telling a bunch of strangers on the internet how I feel, because it's better than not telling anyone.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So I just went into his bank account (which is in fact still under my name.) And changed all the personal info that I could to his information. This way I won't get any text messages about his bank balances anymore. 
I then textedhim to let him know that I changed the information, and asked him to go to the bank and put the account in his name. 

So one more break. Maybe he'll catch a clue and change the password. When we still had debt in both of our names I really didn't want to lose my access to that account because I wanted to make sure they got paid. But he has financed both of those loans to be under his name. So I now have no financial need to have access. 

I'm not telling him to change his password because it's not my job to take care of him.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So I was doing my shopping list, and trying to figure out if there was anything on sale that I needed. And there was a coupon that could be "downloaded" to your card. So I try to log in to do that and realize that I don't have the card that's associated with my account, because my x still has it. So I text him and tell him I want it back. 

He says yes and that he will leave it at my Brother's house. 

Then two hours later, he texts me and asks me for the amazon account. I had the account before we were married, and he glommed on to it. I would get annoyed because he would mess with all my wishlists and such, but he kept saying we are married what is no yours and mine. There is our. (We had the same fight about Hulu, and netflix.) Well when we separated, I kept the account. He had downloaded tons of music on it. Way more than me, but honestly he walked away with so much of what used to be mine. It was fine when we were married...(or at least I put up with it.) But honestly, he should lose something. I think he got off pretty easy considering what he took from me. 

So I haven't responded to him, but I am now thinking he's been using my amazon account at least to listen to music. There is nothing personal in there, but I realized that I too need to change the password. So I did. 

So should I respond? In the end, I can deal with not getting the shopper card back. I am sure I can call them and get things switched around. But I am not giving the amazon account to him. Can I just ignore it? Should I text back saying "I think you got more than your fair share out of this marriage." (Okay, I know that's not really an option. Or should I text him back "no."


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Or how about "Ha! You're funny. No way in hell."


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Blu, 

I know what it's like to lose in laws that one loves... but blu the questions you are going over and over, there is no answer, not yet anyway... and maybe there wont ever even be any. 

As I mentioned, I live one way for almost 30 yrs. I had a blissful marriage, I had what young marriages reach for. I thought, & believed I made it. So did he. But I guess we didn't. But you know what, my perfect cocoon that I live and that I thought I was going to live until I was put into the ground, turned out to be ok that it bursted...

Only now... almost 4 years later can I say that... infidelity puts us on a journey unlike any that we experience in life. It really does wake us up, it really does make us live in the present, it really does make us see the world differently once we go thur it... 

Forgive me if you had stated earlier, your age, and how long you've been together... for asking again.

~sammy


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am 42. We were married 8 years, a couple 10 years, and in each others lives for over 20. 

The only real question that I have is how long do I have to feel crappy about his. 

I was talking to my best friend tonight. She lives in England and in fact is the one who introduced us 21 years ago. I told her a lot of the things that had been going on in the marriage.

And the truth is I wasn't happy with our marriage for a while. I thought about leaving him many times, because I knew what he was doing was wrong. And it wasn't the life I wanted. But I loved him and didn't want to leave him. Now of course I realized that who I loved wasn't real. Or was only a small part of who he was and that I don't much care for the large part of who he was. 

So knowing all of this...I just want to stop feeling bad. I want the grief to stop permeating everything, so that I can move on. I'd like to go on a date, but I feel to emotional to handle it. I'd like to make some life changes, but I don't feel ready to make big decisions or commit myself to something, because my emotions aren't stable. 

By the way, I did text him back a "no." No explanation. I decided that he doesn't need to know that I'm still upset, and it's not like he's going to learn any lesson from me.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Maybe going out to group events, rather than dating, might be an option. I have been married for twenty years (just separated) and can't quite imagine what a date would even be like. But I had been pretty isolated in the last several years of our marriage, for a number of reasons, and know I need to start creating some sort of a social life. I am kind of non-social, enjoy being on my own, so it will take a real effort on my part. I can see how easy it would be for me to just live in my little cocoon of an apartment with my cat. But that is not healthy...being around people with a similar interest, i.e a book club, dance lessons, whatever, can be a good option to dating. And that is how people often connect.


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## Scotty0310 (Apr 1, 2014)

Blue, 

I can understand how you feel about trying to figure out how to let go. I am in a very similar situation of letting go...I dont know if I should as my wife says she thinks she wants a divorce but doesnt know. We've been separated for a year now and I still feel hung up. I have had access to her FB and even the one dating site she joined, I never really found anything bad on there and I kinda hate myself for looking. But at the same time we're still married and I almost wanted to use that as ammo for me letting go. Not so much against her but instead giving me reasons to let her go and be done with the BS.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Scotty0310 said:


> Blue,
> 
> I can understand how you feel about trying to figure out how to let go. I am in a very similar situation of letting go...I dont know if I should as my wife says she thinks she wants a divorce but doesnt know. We've been separated for a year now and I still feel hung up. I have had access to her FB and even the one dating site she joined, I never really found anything bad on there and I kinda hate myself for looking. But at the same time we're still married and I almost wanted to use that as ammo for me letting go. Not so much against her but instead giving me reasons to let her go and be done with the BS.


Yes. Exactly. It helped me really see who x is...gives me more of a story.

In a strange way...he's reliving us. For the first 10 years of our relationship, he was very into me and I was not. But I liked keeping him around. Part of me didn't find him attractive because he was in such a depressive rut. 

I spend most of our marriage getting him out of the rut. And now that's he's out he is going for a younger and prettier version of me. 

And I am realizing that me taking care of him all those years wasn't really good for me or for the relationship. (Okay I am not realizing it, I have already realized it.) 

I've been reading a lot about oxytocin because of this group. And I realize that he's in an oxytocin haze. But she's only enjoying the sex. 

So it's gonna fall apart...and I suspect that when it's over. He's going to show up on my door step. (He might not...he might have developed some pride to keep him away. ) 

Now don't be worrying that I am being crazy and holding on to false hope. I am not. That's not what's going on.

I realized I need to really work on getting myself over him. When I look back on our relationship, I realize how unhappy I was. 
That why I way 50 pound more than I did when we first got together. (And on the day he told me he wanted a divorce I weight 75 pounds more. But I have lost 25, the healthy way.) 
I did the work of the marriage. And even then he was having EA's. And when I couldn't do all the work, he wasn't able to pick up the slack. 
I am never signing up for that again. So I need to get over this. So that if he does show up, I don't consider going back. 

The good news, is that even if he does show up...I'd be very surprised if he put much effort into it. He'll write me some note about how much he misses me. it will be very self deprecating, but it won't be full of promises of change, because he won't that kind of commitment. And that will be that. He'll give up after that...but doing anything else is too much work. 

In the end it turned out I was wise when I was in my 20's and wasn't interested in him and a fool in my 30's. Who knew. 

So I am going to work really hard to get over this. I am working on me. Because, I work hard in relationships (I'm not perfect) and I should have never settled for less.

You know in you're 30's you get such pressure to settle down and start having babies. And here was this guy who was so in love with me...and I was ready to do the work for the relationship. Only...now I realize for him he was always seeking that rush of first love. And you can't keep that up in a long term relationship. 

@Jane, I think that's a really good idea. In another thread someone mentioned a website called meetup, so I am already signing up for groups. And I am really working hard to reach out to my friends. I met a friend at the Gym today. I had a headache so all I wanted to do was walk and she ran next to me and we chatted. It was a good way to start the day.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Trying to stay focused. Trying not to obsess. It occurred to me that I could delete the program that saved his password for FB so I just deleted it. I still know his password, but I would have to think about it to log in so hopefully that will deter the part of me that would like to wallow in misery over him. 

Unfortunately, I saw one of his friends at the grocery store. Thankfully she didn't see me. When X and I split I unfriended him and all of his friends. It wasn't that I didn't like them, it was that it was too hard to see him be talked about or see pictures. 

I did look up the meetup thing and found a group that was interesting...but the idea of meeting a bunch of new people makes me nervous.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

In the beginning of it all, it will be hard not to focus on that person. Your trying to break an addiction. Some of the advice you will be given, will mirror those same things. Create a support system, like alcoholics have AA meetings. Find new hobbies, and activities that you always wanted to try, helps take your mind off craving and thinking about that person. Eventually the craving, or addiction, will fade over time.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You sound like you are having a really tough time seperatign the two of you. Are your familiar with the term "enmeshment"?

It might help you get a better understanding of why this seems so difficult for you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> You sound like you are having a really tough time seperatign the two of you. Are your familiar with the term "enmeshment"?
> 
> It might help you get a better understanding of why this seems so difficult for you.



I have not. I will go look it up. 

@Mr. Fisty, I will follow your advice. I am really trying to fill my days up with activity. No wallowing at home. I'm giving myself less down time so that I can distract myself. 

It usually hits at night as I am getting ready for bed. But today was better than yesterday, and perhaps tomorrow will be better than today.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So quick question, though...

So, I'm going oxytocin withdrawal. Right? And x is not going through withdrawal, because he's found someone else to meet his Oxy needs. But assuming that that relationship blows up...will he then go through it? Hopefully that happens after I'm done. But I would definitely like him to be miserable.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Now having read about enmeshment (well I skimmed.) I would say that's not my problem. If you want to say co-dependent...that would reasonable. I was an over-functioner and he was under-functioner. And that is probably at the core of our marriage problems. In the last few years, I had actually been working on that. (I am in IC) And I suspect that my working on my over-functioning ways helped erode my marriage. I stopped doing things for him, with the expectation that he would step up. He didn't. 
I wonder if he felt less cared for? Which is possible. But logically, I needed to stop doing everything for everyone and that included him. 
But I think my depression and grief is actually quite normal.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

What I hate is that I feel sad, when I know it's a good thing I'm not with my X. 

I was thinking about what if he wanted to get back together...

And I realized it would never work. He had at least 3 emotional affairs while we were together. And I had my head in the sand about it...but now I'm well aware. I would never be able to trust him to hang out with other women. Which would mean, every time he went and hung out with friends I would be angry. And the what's the option? He stays home? Well I would have loved for him to want to do that. But he didn't and he's not going to change. 

And I am trying to focus on all the ways I am doing better because of him.
1) He used to sabotage my diet and then give me grief about my weight. (I have mentioned that I've lost 26 pounds since we split up.) 
2) He said no to anything I wanted to. But a house? No. Too much work, preferred to rent. Have a kid? No. Too much work. Foster kittens? No. Too much work? Volunteer for a political campaign? No, would interfere with his social life. Take a yoga class together? No, would interfere with his social life. Take a dance class together (Something that at the beginning of our marriage he had said he wanted to do, when we could afford it)? No, would interfere with his social life. Go to England to visit a very close friend of ours? Yes. (But he sabotaged it over and over by spending our money on small trips that he wanted.) 
3) No sex. We never had a great sex life. If I initiated he couldn't perform, so I had to wait for him to initiate it...and that was far and few between. Although it's not like I am having sex now. But someday I might be able to have sex life again. That was never going to happen if I stayed with the X. 
4)Better social life. This one is on me. I really didn't work that hard to have a social life when I was married. Although I did make friends. But now I am working to engage with my friends. 
5) Disgusting toilets. Seriously the toilet was so gross living with him. And he never cleaned it. Is that a guy thing? 


That's all I can think of for now. But I'm focusing on them.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> So quick question, though...
> 
> So, I'm going oxytocin withdrawal. Right? And x is not going through withdrawal, because he's found someone else to meet his Oxy needs. But assuming that that relationship blows up...will he then go through it? Hopefully that happens after I'm done. But I would definitely like him to be miserable.



Depends on who detaches first in that relationship. If his partner dumps him, then he will bbe going through the withdrawal symptoms. If it is during the infatuation stage, it will feel worse, as you feel like your losing a soul mate, someone you cannot live without. 

Are you getting help for your anger and resentment issues?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Well I was going to counseling. And then they had some kind of snafu with their billing system and can't seem figure out how to charge me, just my co-pay. And then Christmas happened and then my counselor broke her knee cap. 

But I have to wonder...I'm not sure if I want to go that way. But maybe I need to. I am not a particularly emotional person. I am uncomfortable with strong emotions in myself. So we have been working on me sitting with my grief. Well fine. I'm sitting with it. I can't seem to escape my sadness. But honestly, I'm so tired of feeling this way. I never imagined that divorce would be worse than having a friend die. I see why it is. 

But I guess the thing is: Counseling isn't going to make me stop being angry. I mean, I'm supposed to be angry. My X did me wrong. No two ways around it. I'm not raging, I'm not losing my temper. I'm not even irritable with other people. I am angry at my X for being lazy in all things including love. And I am angry at myself for wasting 10 years with him. If I could go back and tell myself "don't marry him, it's not worth it." I would. 

Again, counseling isn't going to fix that. As far as I can tell the only thing that will help is time. And apparently 5 months isn't enough. 

Happily, I can say that it's very likely she is going to end it with him. Or she will just finally fall in love with someone and he will be kicked to the curb. But really I need to stop thinking about it. What happens to them has nothing to do with me.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

I sent you a private message Bluewoman.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

*Re: My dirty little secret...Epiphany*

So I was reading an article about oxytocin withdrawals, and one of the recommendations the author had was to figure out what the x gave me that I miss so much, and then see if I could find it in other ways. 

Today is a cold grey day. Not a normal New Mexico day. I used to look forward to going home on these kind of days to cuddle with him. I can't really replace that.

But then it occurred to me that the man I want to cuddle with doesn't exist anymore. In essence, he's dead. That is what I am grieving. And my X killed him. That's it, my X killed my husband. Which makes me hate him. The person I loved most in the world is gone because of my X's selfishness and immaturity. 

And he is dead, because he can't come back anymore. He can't ever exist again. Because the man I loved wouldn't have emotional affairs, and he would miss me when I was gone. 

My husband is dead. In his place is a man who acts like him (to some extent) and talks like him. And most people think it's him. But I know better.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I've been feeling better lately. Not missing him much. Partly I've kept myself distracted. But also because thinking of him dead...means that I can still miss the person who was. I can remember my wedding day. I was so happy on that day. I can remember my life with him (the good parts). But that's over. All good things come to an end. For me that loving relationship is over. It was real. But that is no longer.

But also I've been exercising a lot and I think that has been helping my mood as well. And the scale numbers are showing it. I've lost 3 pounds this week. And I got clothes in my new size so I'm feeling pretty good and confident. I might actually be in the acceptance stage. Of course, it probably won't last. I have to assume I am going to regress a few more times. But if I can stay here for the weekend I wouldn't mind.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

I'm glad you're feeling better, and awesome on the workout routine! I've heard exercise releases some kind of chemicals that make you feel good. I need to get there myself and try harder at it. My problem is, being too depressed to motivate myself properly. So, you are doing fantastic in taking all the right actions to get through this! :smthumbup:


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Well...my feeling better was very short lived. I feel like I'm obsessing, and I find it boring. I need to let it go. But I can't. Of course I didn't work out last night. Had another appointment. So maybe I'll feel better tonight. And then I'm going out of town to see my own BFF, so at least that will be fun.


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## Scotty0310 (Apr 1, 2014)

BLue,

I unfriended my wife as well shortly after our separation. Somehow I have managed to stop looking into her facebook and emails. After what I found this time last year which caused me to keep looking, I am not finding anything. I do know she is using an app or two on her phone which I dont have access, and since she moved out this last week temporarily, I'm glad I dont see her on it wondering what/who she's talking to. 

I did have some dreams of her this past week, while the one last night was more like a nightmare (her with another guy in my house as if we had some sort of arrangement). Havnt not really seen her much this week I was doing ok, even with that dream...until she came home with the kids just a few hours after I woke up. This has put me in a "bad" recessed mood all day. Taking everything I have to just stay away from her and not go try to chat her up.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Hi *Scotty0310*,

It really hard isn't it?

So weekend was...well it's always good to see my BFF. She's not happy in her marriage and that's sad. But she is seeing how much divorce hurts. 

According her to her, mutual friends have reported the XH is not doing well. 

I don't really know what to do with that. It doesn't really help. Part of me is glad he's struggling. On the other hand, he's the one who made it happen. And I don't think he deserves any sympathy. And it annoys me to hear that people are concerned for him. 

Need to distract myself.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Ups and downs for me. Had the flu this week which sucked because it made it hard for me to do things to distract myself. I did got through my facebook pictures and either delete pictures of the both of us, or untag myself. That felt good. And I also began the paperwork to change my name. 

I still have moments of sadness about it. It's hard realizing I've been replaced. It's also hard that someone who used to be one of my favorite people did something so awful to me that I can't even respect them. It's hard to have those conflicting emotions.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Eventually your logical and emotional side will line more up on this issue. Love does not care about our partner's flaws that would not make them viable as a partner. Someone could love a narcissist, but the likely hood of the narcissist returning the love and affection is slim, and needs in relationship fluctuate. A narcissist has a very low probability of making you a priority.

The more you invest in yourself, the higher the success rate of your next relationship will be. Also, you will have the awareness to detach and analyze a partner before further commitment, as well during a committed relationship. I hope you get well, and this is you time.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thanks, Mr. Fisty. One of the things that really help me is reading about other peoples experiences. It makes me feel less alone. I spent last night reading AFPhoenix' story. There were some good discuession in his thread. I started reading about the Victim triangle because of it. I recognized myself as the rescuer. And I recognized xh as just straight up victim. Interestingly enough I recognized my mother as the persecuter. I was raised without a father, so I had nothing to balance out her craziness. She's currently pissed at me because I didn't call her on her birthday. I was traveling and didn
t have time. I did send her a fruitbasket/boquet which was delivered, and I did call her the next day. 
So I'm having a hard time seeing that I did anything wrong. Which of course makes her angrier. I've spent the last decade working on ingrained behavior that stemmed from being raised by her. And I've really done well with setting boundaries with her. But it did affect how I interact with everyone, and I see that I need to change perception of myself as a victim. It's a process. 

Also, I am now coming to terms (slowly) with my responsibility in the marriage. And let me clear. Owning my own stuff is not the same thing as taking the blame. I can be a better person. And I
m going to work on that. But I didn't cheat and I didn't walk away. That's on him. But this is an opportunity...I may not have walked away, but I wasn't happy. And was starting to pull myself away from him. 

I've done some chatting with people from *******. Nothing has really come of it yet. Talked on the phone with someone last night, who appeared to really like me. But he was too intense and way too negative. Started the conversation by telling me how unhappy he was. And I gotta say, that's a turn off. It was funny, because while talking to him I did catch myself wanting to give him advice to be happier. So I'm still in rescuer mindset. I'm working on it.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi Bluewoman,

I understand about the ups and downs, just when you think you've reached a new level - you find yourself back on level 1 or 2. At least that is how it feels with me. So, if it helps - that does seem somewhat normal for this type of change in our lives. 

You are doing good getting rid of pictures and un-friending him on Facebook. I haven't done that yet. I have a lot of FB pictures of him and my son doing something or other... and I feel like deleting those, would be deleting my sons picture.. and I hate that idea. As far as unfriending.. I don't know how to go about that. I know how to do it, but... I feel like, maybe by him seeing me post things of son and I, it will make him jealous -- and perhaps I need to keep that jealousy going. 

You see, my ex used to NEVER use facebook. He had account, but was never on it - never posted anything. Since the divorce, he gets on there... he doesn't post or comment or anything like that - so, I know he is only getting on to look at what I do - as I'm an active user. I know he gets on, b/c he is still obviously on my friends list, and you know how it tells when they were last on? Thats how I know.

So it's a hard decision for me. I'm proud of you that you were able to do all that!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I kept certain pictures up. There was a picture of my ex standing next to a dear friend who had passed away. It was on our wedding day. I couldn't delete that. I mostly deleted pictures that depicted us as couple. 

I cannot recommend more that you unfriend him. Not because of what he might think...but because you notice what he's doing which is keeping him alive in your heart. That is really what I'm trying to do...break that attachment. I still have it. But seeing what he is doing on facebook just kills me. So I don't go there. 

Because in the end...I know that I can't let it matter. It doesn't matter what he and the OW are doing. He's not mine anymore. I don't always feel this...but that's what I try to put in autoplay in my head.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Good for you, you really took a huge step in doing that - that had to feel gratifying. I know it felt gratifying when I blocked all his family and his friends (where we were mutual friends) -- that felt good, just haven't gotten to the point of getting to him yet. Seems so juvenile and high school - but, it's like one more thing I have to let go, and I struggle - just like with the family pictures on our bookshelves - still haven't taken those down.

Keep going Blue! You're doing great, you inspire me - b/c you're about same stage I am, and you are doing very well.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

This thing that sucks is that I am doing great right now...but it's easy to be pulled down. I hate that. I wish I could say I'm over it. I mean I felt this way in November. And then Christmas happened and book I was down for the count emotionally. And I am only beginning to get my head up now.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> This thing that sucks is that I am doing great right now...but it's easy to be pulled down. I hate that. I wish I could say I'm over it. I mean I felt this way in November. And then Christmas happened and book I was down for the count emotionally. And I am only beginning to get my head up now.


We are so much alike in our timeline and healing journey, it really goes to show - this must all be very normal, and just part of the process. Because, I was the same way - November I was marching down that road of recovery, thought I had my priorities straight. Then Christmas, and down I went (Thanksgiving I was fine, just Xmas). You too, it seems. So, that should go to show that this is normal? I always hate to say this (b/c I truly wouldn't wish this grief on anyone), but... it helps to read other people's stories, b/c it shows that what you are going through, is much like what they are going through - and then you meet the people who have been through it, and are now standing on the side you and I want to be on - and it goes to show, that it will come. 

My only fear is, and do you ever feel this way --- that, It won't happen for me, b/c I am different. I often think that, I say to myself - I won't get over it, because I am a different personality and I was entirely too attached to ever be able to get over it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thankfully I am not scared of that. My big fear is that it will take too long to get over and I'll miss cool stuff because I too hung up on a man that doesn't want me. 

But at least right now it's getting better.


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## AMcKineth (Apr 6, 2014)

I mainly just read your first post abouts reading Facebook messages.

While I agree you should stop, you should stop doing it for yourself. I know from experience that keeping tabs on people through their online history can serve a purpose. It validates what kind of person your ex is ... or at least it did for mine when I saw what all he was doing online the days and first weeks following him asking me for a divorce.

However, if you keep looking you're not allowing yourself to get over him and becoming obsessive about someone who's probably not giving you as much though. It's not healthy. And while it's easier said then done you should stop.

Anyways, my divorce roller coaster rider started this spring. So I'm a few months ahead of you. Hang in there, with time everything gets better.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Here's what I hate. I'm lonely and he is not. I know he's not because he has a girlfriend. 

I've been attempting online dating...but that's going no where. I try to fill my days up...but that closeness...I really miss having somebody. 

So no, I'm not scared that I won't get over him, I am scared that I'll never find someone. That I will be alone forever. 

I had a dream about my ex fiance last night. It was pretty intense. In the dream I knew I didn't want to he with him either, but I just wanted someone in my life.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You are your own worst enemy at the moment. You're imagining a future scenario and giving it power over your life. I understand that it is hard not to do.

Have you tried exploring new hobbies, and meeting new people along the way? Just have fun, and that will help attract people.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The person who's betrayed and abandoned goes through an extreme ego crush. It takes months, years even, to get past this and believe in yourself again. Fill this time with other things that give you joy. Take classes and learn stuff you always wanted to. Go places you always put on hold. Change your life.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You are your own worst enemy at the moment. You're imagining a future scenario and giving it power over your life. I understand that it is hard not to do.
> 
> Have you tried exploring new hobbies, and meeting new people along the way? Just have fun, and that will help attract people.


I'm actually not imagining a future life with my x anymore. The dream was about someone else. From before I was married. 

I am imagining my own future. 

Right now, I am doing a lot of work to get in shape. Contemplating running a 5K. Every year, in the spring, the school I have worked for does a 5K. And I've started the Couch to 5K program. 

I think the thing is that it brings up a lot of past pain for me. My whole life I had a thing about not feeling like I belonged. I didn't fit in with my family. My father and his family wanted nothing to do with me. And my mother has a personality disorder that made life extremely unstable. I could count on my Grandparents but they lived very far away from me. And of course both of them are now passed away. 

I lived my childhood and most of my 20's believing that I wasn't lovable by a man. Now of course, I knew that wasn't logical. But sometimes, there is what you know on the brain level and what you know on the heart level. And the men in my life were not too interested in me. 

So the thing about my X is that while being married. I belonged to somebody. For 10 years I was important to someone. 
And it's extremely painful to go back to lonely life again. 

Lately I have been feeling very unconnected. Like I said my grandparents are dead. I have a brother, who is as good as he can be, but has his own personality disorder himself. (I suspect Schizoid.) And my mother probably has Paranoid personality Disorder. Currently my mother is not speaking to me because...well I'm not 100% certain why she's not speaking to me. But that's a pattern that I've dealt with my whole life. And I cope now, by not letting her get too close, because she's likely to do that at any point with no warning. 
But she's been sick (cancer) and I've been emotionally vulnerable, so this one hurts more than I like. 

Yeah, so right now...this whole post is a pity party for me. Life sucks. I'm alone. 

And when I'm feeling better I know that I'm not alone. I have very good friends. 

But it's not the same as having family. But it's the best I've got. And of course many people don't have families and deal...so of course I'm going to be okay. But right now, at this moment. I feel alone. 

Please understand...this isn't wanting my X back. I don't. I don't want him at all. Because I was terribly lonely in the last year or so in our marriage, and was aware and resentful that I had given up so much to be married to him and I wasn't getting anything back. 

But it does sting to feel like he doesn't miss me. That he's moving on. He has someone to fill his Oxytocin need. And more than that...she could possibly take my place...She could be his Mother new Daughter in Law. His Brother' new Sister in Law. And I'm out in the cold. She also would have to be involved with the most unmotivated, lazy, juvenile, and selfish man in the world. So I guess there's that. 

I just wish I didn't feel so lonely.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

turnera said:


> The person who's betrayed and abandoned goes through an extreme ego crush. It takes months, years even, to get past this and believe in yourself again. Fill this time with other things that give you joy. Take classes and learn stuff you always wanted to. Go places you always put on hold. Change your life.



Good advice. I'm working on it.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I find it far less lonely to be alone, living on my own, than when I was in a marriage that had become so strained, tense and unhappy. Yes, there was someone there in the house with me, but I barely felt his presence, other than in a negative energy sort of way. We were both so unhappy. It was not a matter of fault or blame, really...just a lot of factors, partly health-related, that resulted in a personality change on his part and many physical limitations on mine.

Anyway...being alone does not have to equal lonely. I have no idea if my husband is finding life better or worse these days. But for me, it is better.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Jane, I too am actually doing better now that we are no longer together, But I still have days where I am just sad and grieving. And I need to put it somewhere. Here seems like a good place.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Happy Valentines Day! Okay that's tomorrow, but I work in the schools so today everyone is celebrating. 
Tomorrow, I'm going with some girlfriends and my pup and we are going on a hike. So no time to wallow. 

Not that this holiday is really big to me. It never was, so that makes it easier. 

The only hard part is wondering what x and ow are going to do. 
But I keep my reminding myself, it doesn't matter. It's really none of my business.

The other day, I went to some friends for a few drinks and socialization. XH had been there the day before. Friends reported to them that he brought me up. He told some story of somebody in our past wanting current gossip about our divorce and how he would tell past friend anything. 
X said that he would never talk bad about me because he would always love me and obviously there was something good about me or he'd be a **** to stay married to me.

And at first I felt guilty, because I do not have nice things to say about him right now. 
But last night I realized...that of course he doesn't have anything significantly bad to say about me. I didn't do anything. The worst I did was say "If things don't change, I can see me considering divorce." 
I believed marriage was forever, and to make that happen, I believed both people put the other persons needs first. I was doing that for him. I only began to stop when I realized that he wasn't doing it for me and I was being sucked dry emotionally. 

I probably should have left him with the first emotional affair...but the fact that I didn't doesn't make me wrong. And I do have a reason to be angry with him. 
Anyway, trying very hard not to spend to much time thinking about him. Not that it works, but I try. I pretty much have a plan for each day this long weekend. So that will help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have done NOTHING wrong. He's an ass and he deserves nothing but your anger at this point. You gave him way more than he deserved.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Happy Valentines Bluewoman, it's better to think about that today - than what it actually is Friday the 13th! lol... 

You're right, you don't have anything to feel guilty about... you didn't do anything wrong, and neither did I - but, I too have issues with feeling guilty or to blame at times, and I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did.. But - we probably do it because we are good people, who wouldn't hurt anyone - and to see someone up and throw their life away in the manner these men did - we automatically assume, we must've done something to cause that. But that isn't true... It just isn't. 

I hope that helps, I'm trying to convince myself the same thing right now. We are much a like in where we are. I also feel the loneliness, and feeling like I'll always be alone. We both have to realize this can't be true... you see people re-marry or date again after divorce often!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You are right Lost. People do move on. But sometimes I wonder if I ever will. Except that I am moving on. And even though I'm sadder I'm also happier. It's weird.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sad because of the lost potential and face it, it would be disappointing for the way things have turned out. Happy because he has less and less of an influence on you and your becoming free from the bs that you went through.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You nailed it on the head, Mr.Fisty. Today, I went on a 5 mile hike. Now granted it wasn't something that he kept me from doing, but my getting in shape and losing weight made it seem more like a possibility. And it was nice. I was tired, but I felt strong! And I liked it. 

There was some conversation on TAM about downloading facebook messages, and as I was reading it, I thought "I could do that to find out if he was having a PA before we divorced. " And then I thought "Why do I need to know that?" We are already divorced. I already am not taking him back. And we only had sex once in the last year we were married...so it's unlikely I got an STD...so other than re traumatizing myself...why do I need to know? 

So I'm not looking. As it is, I already spend far to much time thinking about him. I don't want another reason to think about him.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So I went on a coffee meet and greet on Monday. Guy was a creep, but that was because he was a creep not because I'm not ready to meet someone. That was kind of good to realize. 

A few weeks ago, I found a program about how to write an online profile for dating and I've put it into play. It was a really good guide on pictures and how to write an interesting profile that weeds out most of the creeps. And I have to say, it's been effective. (And if I had followed the suggestions, I wouldn't have agreed to go out with this guy. But I still don't regret it.) 

So anyway, the author of the program is Michael Fiore. He's a relationship coach and has a podcast called digital romance. 

One of his programs is about romantic texting and he actually has a program about getting your ex back. 

And I've been thinking about it...because I could get him back, my x I mean. It actually wouldn't be that hard. 
But part of the program is analyzing what went wrong in our relationship and why the other person left. Apparantly for men, the number 1 reason men leave is because they think they can never make the significant other happy. And that's big part of why my x left. He felt like he couldn't make me happy. 

So in theory, I would need to convince him that I could be happy with him.

But in reality...I wasn't happy and I don't think he could make me happy. So there is no point in trying to get him back. 

You see, for almost all of our marriage, I had severe migraines. Twenty days out of every month, I had some kind of headache. I typically went to work in pain, and when I came home I was exhausted. I also took a lot of narcotics for pain. And the narcotics masked negative emotions. I was pretty easy to please. 

But a little over a year ago, my insurance approved botox treatment for my migraines. And it worked. I still get headaches and migraines. But they rare now. I get them less than 5 times a month now. So now I'm not so tired. And I am not narcotics as much because I don't need them. So since I was feeling better, I wanted to be more active in my life. I wanted to go out and socialize and do all the things I hadn't done for the last decade. I changed the rules in my marriage. And he couldn't or didn't want to adapt to the rule changes. 

Now let's be clear...in no way do I feel like I was in the wrong to want more out of life now that I could participate in it. It doesn't make me look at him with some contempt that he couldn't handle my getting better. I believe what I wanted from him was reasonable. But I understand that he wasn't capable of giving it. And that he never was. 

I feel like I am starting to get to the point of forgiving him. I have a ways to go, and I suspect I will backslide. But I think I will get there. 

I am also starting to see that in some ways the marriage was what I needed then. I did need someone to take care of things I couldn't because I was so tired and in pain. And he did do that. And now, I don't need him. 
So maybe I can be less resentful. Not today though. And maybe in 10 years, I'll even tell him I don't resent him. But again, not today.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am glad that you recognize that you could not be happy with him. The circumstances has changed, and he cannot meet you in dealing with those changes. Good luck on your next date.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thanks Mr.Fisty. I've been thinking about it a lot. I really do miss the companionship. And he was so easy and comfortable to be with. 

But I keep thinking about what if he wanted to get back together? It would crazy to do. There was a time when I thought being with him improved the quality of my life. But that's no longer the case. Even as sad as I have been, and depressed as I have been... my quality of life is better. 

Now, I will say that I while I can see coming to terms with the fact that I couldn't be happy with him. I am not even close to forgiving him for the emotional affairs (assuming they didn't turn physical until after the Divorce). I get that they were an outlet for him. The didn't judge him and hold him up to the same standards that I did. But by choosing to give his affection to other women, he betrayed me. 

I'm excited for the date on Sunday. I don't think that he and I will be compatible for the long term, although I could be wrong. But I have a feeling we will have a nice time. It will be very casual, and because we are just meeting for the first time without any idea if we will have chemistry, I intend to insist that we go dutch. If we hit it off, and he wants a second date he can treat.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you do start dating someone, please don't date more often than once every two weeks.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Explain that? Don't go out with the same guy more often that once every two weeks? 

How come?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because you aren't ready for a real relationship and will NOT be ready for at least another year (based on psychological research), and because if you see him more than once or twice a month, the biological PEA chemicals start flowing and you start becoming addicted to the HIGH you feel when you see him as well as the psychological 'feel-good' you get from knowing that another man is into you, and you stop listening to your own reason, and you start needing to see him to continue to feel the high, and before you know it you're moving him in, and in 6 months when the gravity of what you're dealing with hits you and you realize he's just a rebound, you'll have to kick him out and you'll both be left with a bad taste in your mouth.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

We divorced in September and split at the end of July. So I think I have about 6 months. 

But I don't intend to date exclusively for quite some time, so I am pretty sure that I won't be dating anyone more than once every couple of weeks.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

ToothFairy said:


> Just how does one have an "emotional affair" with someone who is emotionally unavailable?


I'm glad you posted that, TF. I was sort of wondering that myself.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

thummper said:


> I'm glad you posted that, TF. I was sort of wondering that myself.



I think that was my x's excuse for why I shouldn't consider what he was doing with her as wrong and a betrayal. But they are now in a physical relationship. Because she's apparently physically available.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is my piece.

Yes, you get to grieve. You get to have feelings that know don't match your reality. You even are given a pass for doing some really odd things, like checking FB accounts, drive bys, going someplace the two of you used to go, remembering what you had and crying over it.

All good.

I call it emotional vomiting. You need to deal with it, you need to get it out.

Everyone is different with regard to timeframes in coping, grieving and healing.

Here is what you need to be aware of, are you actively taking care of yourself? Are you making choices that will assist you in healing?

Or ...

Are you feeding the misery monster?

I coached a female friend through a breakup after 2 and a half years, and marriage was on the table.

She now can't stand the thought of this guy. But ... she also can't stand that she lost him. She doesn't want him, but can't seem to shake the fact that he ended it, and somehow it's a reflection on her.

Here is what I emphasize, the 'why' doesn't really matter ... unless of course you, or they, have some glaring psychological issue that needs to be addressed.

The fact that someone that you believed loved you, screwed up the courage to tell you that they don't any more and they want out, is really all you need to know.

The 'why' of that is simple.

The person who truly loves you, accepts you, and wants to build a relationship spanning a lifetime with you isn't going to do that.

If things get hard, they work harder. They don't pull away or abandon you, or blame you.

The moment you can truly believe that your life is better served without this guy being in it, you will most certainly be on the road to healing and moving on.

If you catch yourself thinking about him and his new partner, stop yourself.

It's a comparison borne out of some sense of preservation for self esteem, or self punishment.

He's got someone else. That's how it goes.

Eventually, you will too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> Trying to stay focused. Trying not to obsess. It occurred to me that I could delete the program that saved his password for FB so I just deleted it. I still know his password, but I would have to think about it to log in so hopefully that will deter the part of me that would like to wallow in misery over him.
> 
> Unfortunately, I saw one of his friends at the grocery store. Thankfully she didn't see me. When X and I split I unfriended him and all of his friends. It wasn't that I didn't like them, it was that it was too hard to see him be talked about or see pictures.
> 
> *I did look up the meetup thing and found a group that was interesting...but the idea of meeting a bunch of new people makes me nervous.*


*Blue: Always remember that when engaging in any new social setting, right after the summary destruction of a relationship, is the absolute, hardest thing to do!

But just as a child who is learning to walk, each new step that you come to take will make it that much easier for you!

And I have all the faith in the world in you!*


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Deejo said:


> Here is what you need to be aware of, are you actively taking care of yourself? Are you making choices that will assist you in healing?
> 
> 
> Or ...
> ...


I'll be honest. I do both. I am feeding the misery monster less. However, one of the things I've worked on in IC is actually feeling my emotions. I am a big one for not addressing them and then having them come out in appropriate ways. 

Lately I've been actively avoiding them. I realized that today, so I decided to come home and spend some time doing structured grieving. 

I was looking at pictures of our wedding day. It was a really amazing day. And I have this picture in my X is standing next to my best friend's husband and another friend of mine. That's the only picture I have of that friend and he died three years ago of brain cancer. I miss him a lot. 

And I look at my X. And I remember the day he proposed to me. 

And here's something funny, I miss wearing my ring. I loved my engagement ring. It wasn't very expensive, but it was a sapphire with two tiny diamonds on either side. And the ring made me so happy, because it was exactly what I wanted. The sapphire was pretty flawed, but at the same time, I just thought it was so beautiful and I loved it's flaws. 

But when I think about getting back together, I realize I don't love him enough to give up all the things I would have to give up. 

I think I do still love him. I might never stop loving him. But I don't think I'm in love with him. And I think I love myself more. 

I don't think I can quite say that I am better off without him right now. But I have the potential...

And actually that's not really true...the way I'm worse off is that there is no one to come home too. I really do miss coming home to him. And that type of intimacy took a very long time to develop. I just don't see it happening in the near future with anyone else. 

The ways that I'm better off: I can do things that I want to do. He doesn't stand in my way. I can live a bigger and more meaningful life. Here are the things I can do now that I couldn't do before: foster kittens and puppies, go to Carlsbad Caverns, Visit my best friend in Kansas City and then in England. Go to Paris. By the 1 year mark of signing our divorce papers I will have done all of that. 

At some point I can even have a sex life...but a minute to be bitter here. We had a crappy sex life throughout our whole marriage. And by the end we weren't even having sex. 

I seriously hope he becomes impotent with his new lover. And I hope she makes fun of him. 

Okay done with being bitter.

Someday I can go to the Grand Canyon and Yellow Stone. And I think I would like to drive up to Oregon with my dog to see a friend. 
And I think I might get my Ph.D. 

Sometimes I think I wish I knew what he felt, and then I realize that it actually hurts worse no matter what he feels. 

When I found out he was sleeping with the OW I was devastated and angry. And then I find out from friends that he's not happy and he misses me...and that actually makes me feel worse, because I don't want him back because now that he's left I could never sign up to be that unhappy again. 
Because I know I will get better. I will get over this. But I don't believe he'll ever be different. 




> Here is what I emphasize, the 'why' doesn't really matter ... unless of course you, or they, have some glaring psychological issue that needs to be addressed.
> 
> The fact that someone that you believed loved you, screwed up the courage to tell you that they don't any more and they want out, is really all you need to know.


I think you are half right. The "why" won't change that we are over. But I don't think there is one "why" in why we didn't work. There are many. And I think understanding my part in the "why" will help me in the long term for future relationships and for forgiving him. Which I think will eventually bring me peace. 

And in many ways, it makes me feel less powerless. I need to remind myself, that he decided not to try to work on the marriage, because I said that if things didn't change I could be pushed to want a divorce. That was me. I need remember the one that ended our marriage in the practical sense. I moved out first and I filed first. He would have kept living with me and never filing for divorce because he didn't actually want a change. 

I am the one who drew the line in the sand. And I was right to do it. 

That means that as much pain as I was in and still am in, this was as much my choice as it was his. 



Arbitrator, thanks for you kind words. I am moving forward.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Blue, reading your above post is like a breath of fresh air. I love seeing how positive you are about what you want, you know what you want - you just are working on getting there 100% and you WILL. You inspire me, everyone here who is going through this, or HAS gone through this and is on the other side does.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Lost40 said:


> Blue, reading your above post is like a breath of fresh air. I love seeing how positive you are about what you want, you know what you want - you just are working on getting there 100% and you WILL. You inspire me, everyone here who is going through this, or HAS gone through this and is on the other side does.



LOL, life is about getting on the other side of something eventually. Life will keep handing us issues for us to deal with, and we either deal and grow, or we regress or stay stagnant.

Lost, whatever life is going to be as a single person, you will learn to get use to it. Just like when you left home and had to adapt to your new circumstances. Over time, things just become the new norm. Sad to say, just like abuse victims grow used to the abuse. Just keep doing positive things, and that will eventually be your new norm.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thanks Lost. Of course I'm enjoying this respite from the grief warily. After all, we both now how hard we can crash just when we think we have got it together. 
But I'll appreciate it while I've got it. 

And Mr. Fisty, once again, wise words.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

turnera said:


> Because you aren't ready for a real relationship and will NOT be ready for at least another year (based on psychological research), and because if you see him more than once or twice a month, the biological PEA chemicals start flowing and you start becoming addicted to the HIGH you feel when you see him as well as the psychological 'feel-good' you get from knowing that another man is into you, and you stop listening to your own reason, and you start needing to see him to continue to feel the high, and before you know it you're moving him in, and in 6 months when the gravity of what you're dealing with hits you and you realize he's just a rebound, you'll have to kick him out and you'll both be left with a bad taste in your mouth.


Tunera, you will be happy to know that I am taking your advice to heart. I suspect that this date will go well and there will be a second one. But to make sure I wait two weeks, I've already filled up next weekend with casual meet ups with my friends. He's already told me that if this date goes well he'd like to out next weekend. I'm not a good liar, or particularly secretive, so I figured the best way to avoid going out too much was to fill my weekends with Tunera approved activities. (okay I have no idea if you approve of those or not, the important thing is I approve and I thought your advice was good. )


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Approve very much!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Well, crud.

It all started with a program to make my online profile more attractive. Digital Romance has a program that gives tips about it. And honestly, I think it was a good program. Not earth shattering, didn't change my life over night or anything like that. But did make my profile better, and I got some dates from it. 

But they have other programs that I though were interesting. For instances "Capture His Heart." It's about being an interesting women to attract men. And most of it I know, but when you've been out of the scene for a while (a decade) a refresher course is not a bad idea. Of course, there has to be a man that who's heart I want to capture. 
And then there was one on how to get a second date. That one would work, if, again, there was someone who I wanted to go on a second date with. 

These things may seem silly, but honestly, it was good common sense advice sometimes doesn't seem obvious when you are in shock from a divorce and nervous. 

And then there was "Text your Ex Back." And I thought about it. 
And of course so far it's good advice: take 30 days of no contact; Work on yourself; Analyze what went wrong; figure out what your deal breakers out; analyze what you want out of a new relationship; understand that the old relationship is dead.

So...on my part, what did I do wrong: 
1) Well I did stop taking care of myself. There were lots of conflicts about food, but in the end stress eating a bag of gummy bears everyday is not going to do a person well.
2) I stopped living my own life. My life became all about him. In the end I knew that, and wanted to stop, but also could feel my marriage falling apart and was afraid to move forward.
3) I didn't respect him. This is a tough one, because some of that is because he didn't do anything to earn my respect. But some of that was because I set it up that way. So I put him through nursing school. But I did things like fill out all the paperwork, including loans. The reality, is he didn't know how to be an adult, and I took care of the adult things so he never had to grow up. 
But then I wanted him to grow up. I started pulling back from doing things from him. But that didn't make him step up, and I became resentful and contemptuous of it and he became more juvenile. 
4) I wanted more...and well this one I don't regret. I wanted to live an adult life, and he considered it too much work. 

Anyway, one can see how he was primed for emotional affair, by some young pretty thing, who just wants to play and not take anything seriously. 

So the next step in the program is to think about what you have in common. And well, the thing is...I'm not sure what we do have in common. I do want more out of life. I want a life with meaning. 

And so I got stuck there. And I haven't moved on with the program, because I wasn't sure I wanted him back. 
Because here's the thing...I loved him once. We have a history of over 20 years. And when I married him, I gave him my heart. I was in it to death. And he threw it away. And I don't know that he deserves it back. 

Add into that, he hasn't made any indication that he wants it back...to me. And well why would he right now anyway, he's busy hooking up with the hot OW. (And yes, she is stunning.) 

But despite that, I believe I could get him back if I really wanted to. 

So I've been thinking about that a lot. 
And before I admit this, let me just say, yes I know I shouldn't have done it. Yes, it makes me bunny rabbit in the boiling water crazy. It makes me obsessive and compulsive and it's a huge violation of his privacy...

But I looked at his facebook again...and they broke up....because she found some other man. And he's devastated. And he says to her..."Well maybe Now I can find someone who loves me." (And in my head I think, "Hey A..h..e, I loved you. Idiot." 

And strangely, I know if I wait a few weeks, I could definitely get him back...

But I still don't know if I want him back. 
(And even if I did want him back, I don't if I should have him back. ) 

And actually...I'm pretty sure I'm not going to try to get him back in the near future. Instead I am going to remain no contact. 

Because, while I spent the last 7 months grieving, growing, making plans, and being something more...he hasn't. He's been in a rebound relationship. And now he's got to do the work as well. 

And I think if I reach out now...he'll come back, but we'll just be in the same pattern. And that's not okay with me. 

So yeah, no advice neeeded. (I know you are all going to tell me to quit looking at his Facebook, and you are all right.) 

I just needed to type out my thoughts. Figure out how I feel. 

Though, seriously, I wish he would change he password. It would make things so much easier.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If he grew up, would you want him back? Of course he has to go through the growing pains, there is such a thing as neuroplasticity so he is capable of change if he is aware of his issues, but it is up to him to figure out that he needs help. Usually people that figure that out on their own and do something about it have a better chance. Of course as your figuring things out, your learning that learning new behavior is sometimes difficult.

I suggest keep working on you, and he should be the one asking for another chance, but then again, he might try and find another relationship to solve his issues even though he is the issue himself. Hopefully, whatever happens, you will be in a good mental state.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Wise words again, Mr. Fisty. And I agree if it were to happen it should come from him. But it's not going to happen, and I need to let it go. 

I know part of it is just that I am lonely in general. I miss being in a couple, and he was ready made. But it didn't work, and I need to accept that.

I also need to remind myself, that while I shared in the marriage difficulties, Part of what was going on was that my grandmother had just passed away and my mother had cancer. So yeah...I wasn't a great wife at the time. But I didn't betray him. I deserve someone who can stick by me when the going gets rough. Because life will get rough.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was 15.

That is the thing about relationships, people want things to be equal. The concept of you scratch my back, I will scratch yours. You had more need at the moment. Really, until a crisis arrives, we usually cannot see how someone will respond.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You know....I hate that I think I'm fine...and then boom I'm not. I went to a late movie in a theater that I used to go to with my ex...say people that were his friends...

After the movie, came home and spent the next couple of hours sobbing. And its stupid....Nothings changed. So now why am I so upset? I am so done with this. 10 years of my life wasted with that man, why does he get another one?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have your own life, too. You just haven't decided to embrace it yet; you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Ready to move on yet?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Turnera, that was a really sh!tty thing to say. I don't choose to feel like this. If I could be over it I would. But turns out it doesn't work like that. So save your sarcasm for somewhere else. I'm not interested and I find it offensive. 

Anyway, What a f^cked up weekend this was. Because of course I can't stop myself from looking at his facebook page. And suddenly I became obsesses about finding out if he had actually had a PA. I mean, he denied the EA but obviously that was a lie. 

In the end I didn't 100% confirm it, but I got enough to be pretty sure...

And I confronted him. He denied it at first and I acted like I knew it was a fact...and yeah...then he admitted it. Wanted to know who told me. (Turns out he did. ) 

I outed him to several mutual friends and started a **** storm. 
And of course I watched it all unfold on his account. 

He's what I learned..
Oh it doesn't matter what I learned.

Mostly I learned who were my friends (and I have some amazing ones.) And who weren't my friends...which wasn't really surprising. 

I had a few freak out moments, watched him and a supposed friend make fun of me...blocked them both (and I'm sure she's completely confused about it...but whatever.)

And I have a plan in place for getting him to change his password, because I just can't restrain myself. I've enlisted a friend to help. 

and in the end? Other than I should probably get STD testing, I don't think much has changed. He stopped loving me. That is amazingly painful. But you can't make someone love me...and even though I think he owes me a great deal. I only want it given to me with love. Life doesn't work like that. 

Anyway, back to not talking to him and really trying hard not to look at the messages.

But I will say, I am glad to confirm a couple of things that I suspected. I suspected the relationship was physical... 

I had also for the last year been really uncomfortable with supposed mutual friend. I thought there was a level of controlling snobbery that I really didn't like...and Xh was definitely buying into it. 

A bunch of intellectual snobs. Which is really ridiculous as I am actually better educated then all of them...but whatever. I don't spend my time discussing the love life of some dead author. But I guess I'm dumb.

On the other hand I had friends who were amazing. 

There's this big party annual party that some of my friends are holding. John was invited before we split. And I think he considers them his friends as well. 

My friend has been asking if she should uninvite him, but I thought that was silly. At first I thought, he would know that he shouldn't go, right? (And then I realize that this is the man who moved next door to my brother and sister in law. What he knows about being sensitive to me is not much at all. ) 

Anyway, the last thing I did to him was please not go to the party. He said he wouldn't and then he messaged my friend to tell her. She was of course gracious about it. And then he suggested that they all go out for dinner, and she was so smooth and lovely and she completely brushed him off. And man, did that feel good. 

So even in the worst things you get some positives. She and her husband are great friends. 

Anyway, the emotions of Saturday triggered a migraine on Sunday...and that made things difficult. And then I couldn't fall asleep last night...partly from the emotions but mostly from the migraine. (And I'm sure the time change didn't help.) 
But I have stuff to do all week, and that should keep me busy and help my mood.

Oh and I joined a hiking meetup. I am going on an after work hike on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it. 

And I am officially down 36 pounds from my starting weight this summer. I actually weigh less than I did on my wedding day, and I'm in better shape. 
On Thursday I pulled off a yoga pose that I have never been able to do before. So I'm pretty pleased.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Somehow, some way, you need to stay off of his FB. It is terrible for your progress and also, knowing the password does not really give you a right to look at it. It is kind of invasive. If someone leaves a letter where you can see it, doesn't mean it is okay to read it. Even if his page is wide open for all to,see, you are harming yourself by looking-you know that.

In my opinion, most men do not think in terms of what they may "owe" women they have discarded. Financially, maybe, but not in other ways (and lucky if they do even that.) Men do not like acknowleding that they needed or accepted any help along the way to whatever success they have. Whether you gave him money, endless love, support, etc...or all of the above, you have to think of it as a loss. Relationships are a risk, just like the stock market, Imo. Sometimes you get a lot back, sometimes a little and sometimes you lose it all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OP, you are your own worst enemy. Believe it or not, I AM trying to help you. Because I've seen hundreds of women in your exact same position. 

Until you WALK AWAY, with purpose, you will wallow. And suffer. And complain. And hate.

The only solution for your situation is for YOU to choose a different path. To reach out to friends and family. To sign up for classes. To make new friends. To become a volunteer. To start enjoying YOUR life, no matter what HE does.



> And I am officially down 36 pounds from my starting weight* this summer.*


Do you realize that it is almost summer AGAIN? Three more months, it is summer. So you have spent 9 months in pain. That was LAST summer. Are you ready to focus on your future?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

turnera said:


> OP, you are your own worst enemy. Believe it or not, I AM trying to help you. Because I've seen hundreds of women in your exact same position.
> 
> Until you WALK AWAY, with purpose, you will wallow. And suffer. And complain. And hate.
> 
> ...



You are not helping at all. You are not telling me anything I don't know. You are just being another ass telling me my feelings don't count. 

And let me tell you...I've been down that road. That road where I pretend nothing is wrong...ignore my pain. Ignore the process. The pain doesn't go away, you just internalize it. You become self destructive...or you the pain is expressed in other ways that aren't so appropriate. 

So I'm not doing that this time. This time when the grief comes up...I'm writing about it. I'm sitting here and crying and feeling it. Because if I don't let it out it will destroy me. 

But you are also wrong in assuming that I'm not choosing my own life. It's odd that I can grieve my old life and still embrace a new one. 

And you know what...I'll feel better soon. I've got a great yoga class tomorrow. I'm going on a hike with people from a meetup on Wednesday...Yoga on Thursday. Dinner out with friends on Friday, and Saturday I have Saint Patricks day party. 

And maybe I'll make it a couple of weeks without being overwhelmed with grief. And maybe I won't. Who are too judge me for that? 

And this: 

"Believe it or not, I AM trying to help you. Because I've seen hundreds of women in your exact same position. " That the kind of phrase is what nasty people say to excuse the pleasure they get from being cruel. I too have seen hundreds (well maybe a dozen) of women in your exact same position. I don't like them.

And I certainly am not cutting toxic people out of my life only to invite new ones in.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Somehow, some way, you need to stay off of his FB. It is terrible for your progress and also, knowing the password does not really give you a right to look at it. It is kind of invasive.


Well you are right. And perhaps if I were in a better place or had any respect for the man I would feel guilty for being invasive. But I don't. 



Jane139 said:


> ,see, *you are harming yourself by looking-you know that*.


Yes, you are 100% right. 




Jane139 said:


> In my opinion, most men do not think in terms of what they may "owe" women they have discarded. Financially, maybe, but not in other ways (and lucky if they do even that.) Men do not like acknowleding that they needed or accepted any help along the way to whatever success they have. Whether you gave him money, endless love, support, etc...or all of the above, you have to think of it as a loss. Relationships are a risk, just like the stock market, Imo. Sometimes you get a lot back, sometimes a little and sometimes you lose it all.


That's true. But even knowing that it's true doesn't actually change how hurt I feel. 

Seriously, emotions are not logical. And while I believe in gradually changing who I feel about something, by repeating what I want to believe in my head. It doesn't happen all at once. And sometime...I can't keep it up. 

And when I can't...I need a place to off load. I can do it with my friends...and I do to some extent. But I think that unless you've been there, it's hard to understand what it feels like.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not judging you. Advising you.

You want to stop hurting? 

Make changes in your life.

It's the only thing that works.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> Well you are right. And perhaps if I were in a better place or had any respect for the man I would feel guilty for being invasive. But I don't.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No doubt you have to go through the pain and not avoid it. If it helps, journal, sit and cry and so on but poking around in his FB is not healthy for your mental state because you are not relinquishing the bonds with him. You have to break those, he is not with you anymore, he has treated you terribly. The best revenge is to not think about him at all or as little as possible because he probably doesn't think as much about you. Take care of your health, your mental and emotional well being.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

By posting here, you are asking for opinions, opening yourself up to possible criticism. I think you are way too sensitive to post your innermost feelings on a public forum.

If not ourselves, many of us have witnessed a loved one literally wasting their life over a former partner not worth a thought. And you insist you are moving on,hiking etc...yet you say this every few weeks, as though trying to convince yourself. Meanwhile you are still lurking on his FB page. 

Of course you can do what suits you, but not everyone will be 100% sympathetic. Which you seem to need.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Ignoring idiots...I get that I run the risk of having to deal with idiots when I post in a public forum...the positives outweigh the negative. 

Anyway I think I took care of the password issue...
I sent an email to XH telling him that I accidentally logged into his bank accounts and the he should change all of his passwords. 

I would like to think I had the will power to not look, but it's obvious I don't. And his passwords are lame anyway...at least this way he'll benefit.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

He changed his passwords. 

And I'm trying to limit my obsessing over him to 1 hour a day. I tried to save it all up at once...but it came out throughout the day, so I have only have about 30 minutes left...of thinking about him. It's not that he doesn't come up in my mind more...but when he does and I catch myself, I'm trying to distract myself. I tell myself I can think about him tonight. 


So I went on a hike with my friend Laura today and we took my dog. She asked my who named my dog Lucy...Xh. did. In a weird sort of way he named her for me. He had always said I was the Lucy to his Charlie Brown. Of course, I didn't much like that comparison. And one can't say it's even remotely true now. I feel more like Peppermint Patty. But it made me sad to think about.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi there, I'm sorry you are still struggling. I am too, but I've taken a huge leap recently and the feeling is very calming. I don't know what I did, but I do know they finally got my medicine right. It is letting the depression wear off which is in turn letting me refocus and see how horrible he was and still is. 

I think we are secretly holding on... I stopped doing that about 2 weeks ago. It has truly felt refreshing. Every time he entered my mind, I said Were over. I'm done with him, he's done with me. Even if he weren't I'd never take him back. And that way when he entered my mind, it was me turning it into telling myself we were over. 

I don't want to upset you or hurt you, but I'm just hoping that sharing with you what helped me, might help you. I'm no where near done. He still enters my head... But, it's more of a what a loser he is thought as opposed to I miss him. But he still definitely consumes way too much time in my heart and head. 

Funny about your ex naming your dog. My ex named my gsd puppy. I wanted a different name, but he insisted. I've thought several times to change it....she responds to whatever you say bc she is that way, but I can't get it to stick with myself. Lol


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Good to see you Lost. I'm glad you are feeling better. I am doing okay right now. I think not letting myself obsess is helping me. That and keeping very busy. 

It's such a hard balance I find...my counselor tells me that I don't deal with my emotions, so I try to deal with them and they take me over. Still trying to figure out how to walk that tight rope of dealing with my emotions and living my life. 

And that's really the thing...I don't want him back...but I want him to want me back...and if he's not...then I at least want him to feel miserable. 

Oh but I'm downloaded a guided meditation on dealing with lost. I listened to it last night while in bed and of course I fell asleep, but I understand guided meditations work even if you are asleep...but I'm going to try to do it at least once during the day and sitting up.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Understandable, you want him to suffer the pain that your going through. You want some kind of justice, because it seems like he got through this nearly unscathed.

Have you considered some anger management? Plus, the facebook password helps you stay connected to his life, and when your online, you probably trigger.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

No, I have not considered taking an anger management course. One)because I can manage my anger. I don't do things I regret when I'm angry. Two)I happen to think that my anger is reasonable at this point. 

But I do agree with this...I don't need to be looking at his facebook. And I"m not now. He changed his passwords. But seriously, it was so much work to get him to figure it out. My friend M told my ex that M's account was hacked and suggested that all passwords should be changed. X didn't get it. I had people actually post things on their facebook about changing passwords. It wasn't until I emailed him and suggested that he change his passwords that he did it. But he did. 

So day by day...
Practiced flirting yesterday. I went to a party and somebody even got my number. I'm not holding my breath that he'll call. But it didn't matter, I haven't flirted in over a decade...Wine definietly helps.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

aine said:


> No doubt you have to go through the pain and not avoid it. If it helps, journal, sit and cry and so on but poking around in his FB is not healthy for your mental state because you are not relinquishing the bonds with him. You have to break those, he is not with you anymore, he has treated you terribly. The best revenge is to not think about him at all or as little as possible because he probably doesn't think as much about you. Take care of your health, your mental and emotional well being.


I somehow missed this. But thank you for this. I'm not in his facebook anymore.

I'm still trying to limit my thinking of him to about an hour a day. He slips in my thoughts all the time...but depending on what I am doing, I try to redirect my thoughts.

Talked with a friend today about him. I shared with her, that in the end what I really think killed us was poor communication. It's so cliche, and yet I think that's what happened. (This does not excuse his cheating. Not at all.) The thing was he was unhappy, (which I knew) but he couldn't tell me what he wanted. So he convinced himself that I was what was making himself unhappy. But it wasn't me, and I'm pretty sure he's not any happier now than he was before cheating on me. 

And then I've been thinking about anger and rage. I have to say that despite him of accusing me of it...I'm not rage filled. I can get angry. And definitely my depression will express itself as anger. I'm not denying that. But I don't lose my temper. And I work really hard to not take my anger or irritation out on anyone. But maybe I have more anger than the average person.

But then I think about him...and realize he had a lot of anger as well, he just turned it in on himself. He used to wake up in the middle of the night with what he called "the loathings" it where he would just feel like an absolute failure and hate himself. 

Of course my thought on it was, then change what you are doing? If you don't like who are, but who you want. I guess he thinks he did that, by leaving me. But the loathings were there before I came along and I seriously doubt they've gone away. 

So I was reading somewhere that man would rather be respected than loved. If this is true than there is another problem. I didn't respect him...or I lost my respect for him. And by the last year, I stopped hiding it. He would say things about how he wanted to get his B.S. (he was an RN.) and I would say to him, "well who's going to fill out your application, because I'm not. " I'm sure that's not the only thing I said. I wonder if it's easier for him to say that I was rage filled instead of admitting that I just didn't respect him and let him know. Because that's more the truth. 

And I wonder why I did that? Because I know that had to have hurt him. Why was I so mean? Did I want the marriage to fail? Was I pushing him to do end it? I won't like the last 2 years I daydreamed about being single all the time. All the things that I can do. 

And the reality is living up to my dreams, because I am making it happen. Except for the sex. That hasn't happened yet. I just can't feel attracted to anyone right now. 

But like I mentioned, I'm practicing my flirting. Going with girlfriends to happy hour on Friday, to do some more. Because I will say this, I don't want to take anyone home, but it feels good to flirt. I feel good afterwards. I am only assuming that they feel okay as well.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Plus, the facebook password helps you stay connected to his life, and when your online, you probably trigger.


Yes and yes. 

So I work in a school and in October we lost a teacher, she died in a plane crash. So the district sent counselors to the school to do crisis intervention as well as just support us. And they told us not to watch the news that night. Because of course the story was on the news. They said that it would re traumatize us. I had never considered that. But while I was lurking in his Facebook, I realized that I was doing that. I was re-traumatizing myself over and over again. 

I still don't regret it at this point. But I think it's better that I don't re-traumatize myself. 
But honestly...yeah...I would miss him and I would want to be connected and I would try not to look...and would go for while not doing it, and then I would just think...I'll just look for second and then it would start all over.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So glad x changed his password. Because I know I would have looked today. Which would have been stupid. 

Today, I used my hour to write bad poetry. I'm pretty sure it's bad, but it was kind of fun taking my feeling and putting them into words. Then I listened to sad break up music and looked at our wedding pictures. 
But as I looked at them, I thought...I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't even miss him. 

And yet, I still feel sad. I wish that would stop. But I also have to consider I might have been sad because it was overcast and cold today. I live in a warm state with 350 days of sunshine. Over cast days make us all a little wonky. 

And It's look like I'm setting up a new coffee date. Possibly this Sunday. ******* says we are a 90% match. We shall see.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Been depressed. Not sad. But depressed. Lack of energy or lack of desire to do anything. Very much how I was through most of my marriage. 

But I realize that I have been showing signs of depression for a while. I keep making stupid mistakes at work...mistakes that cause problems for other people. And of course it adds stress to my life. Called my PCP today we talked about. She wants me to up my vitamin B consumption, but in the meantime we are adding more anti depressants and xanax. So hopefully I will feel better by next week.


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