# Is three years too long?



## MisterMonkey (Feb 25, 2013)

Three years ago I discovered that my wife had an emotional affair in the form of a secret friendship with a male coworker. They frequently texted each other into the late evening (no pictures, just text). I discovered the texts while viewing our mobile phone bill. On the day that I confronted my wife I demanded that she give me immediate access to her phone and email so I could review them. She had already deleted all of her incriminating text messages and there were no email messages.

She had started a new job a few months earlier and only worked at the OM's office while she was in training. By the time I discovered the texts, she was already working at a different office an hour away on the other side of town (same company). She claimed that nothing physical happened and that the texts that they did exchange were limited to just friendly conversation, no talk of feelings for one another. The problem is that I only have her word on that, and she's proven herself to be a liar.

When I initially confronted her on the text messages I only let on that the bill showed the phone number she texted; she didn't know that I had a log of the date & time of each text message. She initially gave me a story about a sick co-worker, which I knew to be a lie, so I gave her a couple of other opportunities to volunteer the truth, and each time she gave stories which I knew to be lies. I finally told her that I knew she was lying and showed her the long list of dates & times. She admitted to the inappropriate friendship, but swore that a friendship is all that it was. She said she liked the attention, and that she knew it was wrong and that she had ended it a week or so prior to my discovery.

I wanted to contact the OM to see what he had to say, but my wife begged me not to, as she would be humiliated at her job. Against my better judgement I didn't contact him, and three years later I am still struggling with this. Do you think it's too late for me to contact the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

It's not too late because it is still bothering you.

You should approach your wife first however. Let her know it is still bothering you and you need to know the truth. She can help you with that or you can contact the OM. 

Best of luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why would you bother? You can't believe him if he tells you nothing happened anyway. 

Have you considered a polygraph for your wife? Have you two done any counselling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

I would not bother because he will just lie to you. Your wife has permanently killed trust in your marriage. You'll never ever fully recover it. Your marriage is now cursed. I would consider divorce and it's impact to see not if, but when to leave her. You can never be truly and deeply satisfied in your marriage unless you restart with someone new.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Mistermonkey,

You can now join the long list of BS's who found TAM too late - including myself.

Had you found it 3 years ago, I'm quite sure most would have told you that a PA was a strong possibility; and suggest you get her to take a polygraph if conventional surveillance was not an option. But instead it seems you rug swept this, not doing everything you could to find out the full truth.

Now it still haunts you after three years, or you wouldn't be here. Polygraph's aren't completely reliable, but five definitive things can happen if you ask her to take one:

1 - By her agreement to take the test, she shows she is remorseful and willing to stand by her story.

2 - If she refuses, then she is demonstrating that she's not remorseful; and it's a strong indicator that she lied to you.

3 - She may confess ahead of the appointment to avoid it. (don't stop the appointment though).

4 - The polygraph may indicate she's lying.

5 - The polygraph may indicate she's truthful. In this instance, you've satisfied yourself that you've done everything you can.

If it were me, I'd ask her to take one.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I wanted to contact the OM to see what he had to say, but my wife begged me not to, as she would be humiliated at her job. Against my better judgement I didn't contact him, and three years later I am still struggling with this. Do you think it's too late for me to contact the OM?*

And this is one of the reasons rug sweeping does not work. It comes up and bites you again years later. Might be too late to confront the OM and in this case I think he would not give you the truth.

Your gut is telling you that there was more and this lies with your wife then the OM. I would talk to her again. Don't tell her that you will approach the OM.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MisterMonkey said:


> Do you think it's too late for me to contact the OM?


The person you should be trying to contact is the OM's BW, assuming he has one. The OM has already been warned about your suspicions and will have a ready made story for you. Forget that avenue.

I would also insist on that poly as well.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With 3 years worth of texts, I'd greatly say that she's got a lot of explaining to do as that, in and of itself, is just way too circumstancial. You better check her Facebook or other social media postings as well.

3 years of doing this is just way too long. In that elongated span of time, coupled with her evidenced penchant for deception, it's highly likely that she's lied to you about everything, including dropping her panties for the OM! The odds for that happening is more than resounding!*


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't worry, they just kissed.

(That's what she'll say if you insist on contacting OM.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *With 3 years worth of texts, I'd greatly say that she's got a lot of explaining to do as that, in and of itself, is just way too circumstancial. You better check her Facebook or other social media postings as well.
> 
> 3 years of doing this is just way too long. In that elongated span of time, coupled with her evidenced penchant for deception, it's highly likely that she's lied to you about everything, including dropping her panties for the OM! The odds for that happening is more than resounding!*


She has not been in the EA for 3 years. This happened 3 years ago. He confronted her 3 years ago.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> *Don't worry, they just kissed.*
> 
> (*That's what she'll say if you insist on contacting OM.*)


*Sure, they just only kissed ~ only that they did it quite acrobatically using their pelvic regions!
*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MisterMonkey, 

Don't go with the polygraph test idea. They are wrong 25% of the time. So even after the test, you will not know if her answers true.

Do you still have the cell she used back then? Some phones have apps that allow for downloading even deleted texts.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

There's nothing for you to lose in contacting the guy, but if he has a wife or did at the time, I'd start there.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MisterMonkey said:


> I wanted to contact the OM to see what he had to say, but my wife begged me not to, as she would be humiliated at her job.


Oh bullshyte. How would she be humiliated at her job if you contacted OM outside of work where nobody would know?

The REAL reason she doesn't want you to contact him is 1) you might find things out she isn't willing to tell you, and 2) she is protecting OM.

No, I don't think its too late. She brought this down on you. You are struggling and need to seek whatever answers you think you aren't getting.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

vellocet said:


> The REAL reason she doesn't want you to contact him is 1) you might find things out she isn't willing to tell you, and 2) she is protecting OM.


At the time, anyway, her loyalty to him was probably much greater than it was to you. I remember that my wife, before I had much of an idea of what was going on but just knew something wasn't right and wanted to know what it was, rushed to warn OM that I was "being ridiculous" and might call him.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Calling OM will most likely be a complete waste of your time. I'm sure they set their story long ago. Assuming that the affair is indeed over. You did after all let her know how you knew about it. She could be in contact with him or could have continued for some time after that using company resources or a burner phone that you cant track.

Do you want to stay with a liar? 3-years is a long time to suffer like you have.

Not suggesting divorce, just asking.

I doubt you had the truth and so do you. A polygraph is likely your only chance at the truth. 

This is an example of rug sweeping coming back to bite you. Ignoring a problem and hoping it goes away just isn't the right approach. 

Don't be afraid to poke this bear.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

workindad said:


> Calling OM will most likely be a complete waste of your time. I'm sure they set their story long ago. Assuming that the affair is indeed over. You did after all let her know how you knew about it. She could be in contact with him or could have continued for some time after that using company resources or a burner phone that you cant track.


It may not be informative at all, but it may be a bit satisfying. Like an itch that needs scratching. Take it from one who knows.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Contacting him after 3 years, I would never do. He appararently has moved on with his life, hes not going to tell you the whole story more likely what you want to hear. You have stayed married for 3 years with what you know, why would he give you a full story, dig up the past and reopen what may be an old wound for him too or give him an excuse to contact your wife again asking questions, you never know. 
Its not like you just found out about an incident 3 years ago, you have known something for 3 years and had no apparent evidence of anything further afterwards.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

MisterMonkey said:


> I wanted to contact the OM to see what he had to say, but my wife begged me not to, as she would be humiliated at her job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Your reply should have been, "You had no problem humiliating me with this guy yet you don't want me to confront the man whose becoming the third person in our marriage. You humiliated yourself because you stepped over the line and you knew it. You said you liked the attention? Now you'll get it." 

Then you should have called the guy and let him know that he's treading on thin ice and told him to back off and tell him in a way that he knew you were as serious as a heart attack.

Sorry to say that your a dollar short and a day late.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Honcho, what you write makes sense, but I am guessing you have never been left with the questions OP has.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MisterMonkey said:


> Three years ago I discovered that my wife had an .....................I wanted to contact the OM to see what he had to say, but my wife begged me not to, as she would be humiliated at her job. Against my better judgement I didn't contact him, and three years later I am still struggling with this. Do you think it's too late for me to contact the OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your WW had an affair. She deleted all the evidence.

Contacting the OM will not get you the truth. He does not want you coming down to kick his ass, tell his wife, ore do a work place exposure.

You can not rest after three years because your gut knows your WW has not told you the truth.

Two must things for you to do. Get the book Surviving An affair by Dr Harley and Polygraph test your WW.

Edit to add if you do not get the truth now. Thirty years from now you will still be haunted not knowing what happened.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has your wife discussed this with you in the last 3 years?

Has she gone NC? What has she done in the last 3 years to help you heal?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

OP, for your own peace of mind you should contact the other man.
I doubt he will give you answers. 

Good luck to you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

when the incident first happened 3 years ago, were you prepared to hear it was physical and if so were you prepared to try and reconcile at that time. What if she tells you tomorrow is was a full blown affair, what then? What happens if you contact the om he says it wasn't, will you believe him? 
What if he still carries a torch for your wife but hasn't done anything because she stayed with you and he tells you some elaborate story to you to try and break you up. 
Are you looking for a reason to end your marriage and will hearing all the sorted details really make you feel better or will it just take you back 3 years and start the hurt all over?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Do not confront your WW or this POS...they will both just lie.

Do some research on OM.

If he is married, contact HIS BW and inform her and swap info. She may be aware already (bad on her for not telling you but oh well) and have details that you do not.

The A may very well have stopped because HE got caught.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Do some research on OM.
> 
> If he is married, *contact HIS BW and inform her and swap info. She may be aware already (bad on her for not telling you but oh well) and have details that you do not.*
> 
> The A may very well have stopped because HE got caught.


I agree with the above. Do not tell your wife your are going to do it though. Never give away your game plan. 

However, after you've contacted OMW, I would confront your wife and tell her you still are not comfortable with her "story". Tell her this is her last chance to tell the truth and that you are setting up a polygraph test for her. You might get her to confess out of fear .... follow through with the test no matter what(especially if she gives you a story of only kissing but no sex, etc). Sometimes people will hold onto their lies until they are at the parking lot of the testing center... it happens.

I caution you though, if you're going to do this ... you have to mean it for it to work. In other words, you have to be prepared to walk away from the relationship if she refuses to do this to save her marriage. This is the mindset you have to be in anyway in order to deal with a cheating spouse.

Good luck to you.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> MisterMonkey,
> 
> Don't go with the polygraph test idea. They are wrong 25% of the time. So even after the test, you will not know if her answers true.
> 
> Do you still have the cell she used back then? Some phones have apps that allow for downloading even deleted texts.


ELEGIRL
your posts often contain some very useful information. But where do you get the 25% number?? The number I usually see is more like 2%


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> ELEGIRL
> your posts often contain some very useful information. But where do you get the 25% number?? The number I usually see is more like 2%


We could all look at any number of studies conducted by whomever and draw a vast myriad of conclusions. What I think most of these studies are based on are the most extreme violators of crime, treason, etc. and not the garden variety adulterers that we see here. Most that have been compelled in this arena to undergo a poly usually confess all before they even get there. I find it silly to spout out percentages of accuracy to deter someone from doing this when there is a legitimate underlying purpose for requesting a poly.

The "purported" accuracy isn't really the issue for me. It's the willingness for the WS to take the test that I use as a barometer to gauge their remorse level, not much unlike the NC letter. If they go in without reservation ( and write the NC letter), then that to me would indicate a sign of true remorse and the desire to try and make things right. If not, then....caveat emptor.

All this is just my opinion.

That being said, as far as the accuracy is concerned, if a polygraph is good enough for the FBI, the CIA, and the US Military (not to mention many other foreign agencies) to continue to use, then it's good enough for me.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Sure, they just only kissed ~ only that they did it quite acrobatically using their pelvic regions!
> *


How old are you?


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## MisterMonkey (Feb 25, 2013)

Thanks for the feedback, guys. The polygraph idea sounds good. I did a quick search and saw prices of about $500 for a reputable service. Do any of you have experience with this? If so, how much did it cost you?

If I discover that anything physical happened between them, even if that includes nothing more than kissing, then I'll kick her out and end this marriage. If I find out that she met with him (even if nothing physical happened) on one of the nights that she told me that she was going to hang out with a group of coworkers, then the marriage is over. If the polygraph indicates that she's truthful in her denial of anything physical, then I'll still have to decide what I want to do about the EA side of things. If I were to contact the OM, it would just be to see if he says that they did do something physical. I believe, as most of you do, that if it did get physical he would most likely lie about it. However, of the very, very, very remote chance that he says something did happen, I'd use that info to end the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

OK, I will sound like the devils advocate here but other than looking for a reason to get a divorce what are you trying to accomplish after all this time. You say you want the truth but even if she passes you are still considering divorce. If you want a divorce save the 500 bucks on a polygraph test and use it for an attorney.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Monkey, trust is hard to find in a friend, trust that is broken in a marriage, well.... it's broken. Can that trust be fixed, yes, but you have to work for it. Her deleting the evidence is a bs cya move. Period. She is not dumb. Her asking you not to talk with the other guy, again, cya move. Humiliation verbage won't cut it. CYA. Three years is too long, that put's a whole in your soul. Just do it, you need closure and of story. For me, tell me everything/ If it wasn't physical, so she says, you have one chance to lay it out and make me a believer. If you don't, I will find out my own way. Trust me you don't want that. If she balks at the idea of a poly, okay no problem, start talking anyway. Hammer her with questions until she cracks. Try and record the conversations to see if the answers are still the same. Eventually she will fold, maybe. Good luck.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I think you didnt believe her story then and now but you left it unaddressed for three yrs, it will come to bite your ass as long as you didnt address it properly, let poly be the beginning of it.

Give her a chance first to come clean completely, sit with her and ask her for complete truth. If she have nothing to hide then Poly will be an opportunity for her to prove her story.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

MisterMonkey said:


> Thanks for the feedback, guys. The polygraph idea sounds good. I did a quick search and saw prices of about $500 for a reputable service. Do any of you have experience with this? If so, how much did it cost you?
> 
> If I discover that anything physical happened between them, even if that includes nothing more than kissing, then I'll kick her out and end this marriage. If I find out that she met with him (even if nothing physical happened) on one of the nights that she told me that she was going to hang out with a group of coworkers, then the marriage is over. If the polygraph indicates that she's truthful in her denial of anything physical, then I'll still have to decide what I want to do about the EA side of things. If I were to contact the OM, it would just be to see if he says that they did do something physical. I believe, as most of you do, that if it did get physical he would most likely lie about it. However, of the very, very, very remote chance that he says something did happen, I'd use that info to end the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As others have mentioned several times, also contact the other man's wife (OMW) to see if she knew anything.


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## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

I don't believe in polygraphs. I had my husband take one. He flunked the first test (bombed all questions). I made him take it again and he past all questions. I made him take it for the 3rd time and he passed all the questions. He took it 3 times. Because of this and researching information about the accuracy of polygraphs, I do not believe they are accurate. They cannot be used in court. That tells you something!

Polygraphs are voodoo science. 

https://antipolygraph.org/

http://www.apa.org/research/action/polygraph.aspx

http://www.eaplstudent.com/component/content/article/173


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

MisterMonkey said:


> Thanks for the feedback, guys. The polygraph idea sounds good. I did a quick search and saw prices of about $500 for a reputable service. Do any of you have experience with this? If so, how much did it cost you?
> 
> If I discover that anything physical happened between them, even if that includes nothing more than kissing, then I'll kick her out and end this marriage. If I find out that she met with him (even if nothing physical happened) on one of the nights that she told me that she was going to hang out with a group of coworkers, then the marriage is over. If the polygraph indicates that she's truthful in her denial of anything physical, then I'll still have to decide what I want to do about the EA side of things. If I were to contact the OM, it would just be to see if he says that they did do something physical. I believe, as most of you do, that if it did get physical he would most likely lie about it. However, of the very, very, very remote chance that he says something did happen, I'd use that info to end the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can call your local police station and ask for the contact info of their polygraph examiner. If he's good enough for the cops to use on criminals he's good enough for something like a cheating spouse.


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## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

Refuse to be played said:


> You can call your local police station and ask for the contact info of their polygraph examiner. If he's good enough for the cops to use on criminals he's good enough for something like a cheating spouse.


Funny you said that because that is where I did get my polygrapher. I called my local police department.


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## Refuse to be played (Jun 7, 2013)

Susie42 said:


> Funny you said that because that is where I did get my polygrapher. I called my local police department.


Yeah thats what I did too.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MisterMonkey said:


> Thanks for the feedback, guys. The polygraph idea sounds good. I did a quick search and saw prices of about $500 for a reputable service. Do any of you have experience with this? If so, how much did it cost you?
> 
> If I discover that anything physical happened between them, even if that includes nothing more than kissing, then I'll kick her out and end this marriage. If I find out that she met with him (even if nothing physical happened) on one of the nights that she told me that she was going to hang out with a group of coworkers, then the marriage is over. If the polygraph indicates that she's truthful in her denial of anything physical, then I'll still have to decide what I want to do about the EA side of things. If I were to contact the OM, it would just be to see if he says that they did do something physical. I believe, as most of you do, that if it did get physical he would most likely lie about it. However, of the very, very, very remote chance that he says something did happen, I'd use that info to end the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are better served by not issuing ultimatums.

Just get the truth first.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Susie42 said:


> Polygraphs are voodoo science.


Yep, they work because people think they work. More than one forum member has posted that their WS broke down and confessed more on the way to the polygraph.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

How long have you been married ? First marriage for both? Any personal history, children, etc... 

How's the road been the past 3 years? 

~sammy


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