# Should I wear my wedding ring?



## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

I'm literally going to be served with divorce papers any day. My wife no longer wears her wedding rings. I still love her and haven't given up hope that we can still be a whole family again (two kids). At the same time I realize the odds are completely stacked against me. A part of me wants to wear my ring to show I haven't given up (like she has) and out of respect for the fact that we are still married. Another part of me feels like I need to detach and seeing this ring on my finger isn't helping much. 

What to do?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

bmark33 said:


> I'm literally going to be served with divorce papers any day. My wife no longer wears her wedding rings. I still love her and haven't given up hope that we can still be a whole family again (two kids). At the same time I realize the odds are completely stacked against me. A part of me wants to wear my ring to show I haven't given up (like she has) and out of respect for the fact that we are still married. Another part of me feels like I need to detach and seeing this ring on my finger isn't helping much.
> 
> What to do?


It's up to you when you take them off.

I took mine off and put them in a box the night he left. I haven't worn them since.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> It's up to you when you take them off.
> 
> I took mine off and put them in a box the night he left. I haven't worn them since.


It is one of the hard decisions. There is no right answer. I kept mine on through separation as my wife did. We never entertained divorce though.
many people wear their rings after divorce to show their love for the ex and that they are not available (even in their heart)
If you go this route then the day you might take it off is when you are ready to move on and date again.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

noas55 said:


> It is one of the hard decisions. There is no right answer. I kept mine on through separation as my wife did. We never entertained divorce though.
> many people wear their rings after divorce to show their love for the ex and that they are not available (even in their heart)
> If you go this route then the day you might take it off is when you are ready to move on and date again.


I was married for 24&1/2 years. My husband left me for ow, moved direct in with her.
I felt if my husband moved out to be with someone else I didn't want to wear the rings he gave me when we were engaged,married and celebrated our 10th anniversary. The rings represented a promise he didn't keep therefore were worthless to me.

It has nothing to do with moving on or being ready to date for me.

Again I reiterate, it is a personal decision. It's up to the individual.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I was married for 24&1/2 years. My husband left me for ow, moved direct in with her.
> I felt if my husband moved out to be with someone else I didn't want to wear the rings he gave me when we were engaged,married and celebrated our 10th anniversary. The rings represented a promise he didn't keep therefore were worthless to me.
> 
> It has nothing to do with moving on or being ready to date for me.
> ...


I fully understand & respect your decision SMALLSTEPS. My 24 1/2 year marriage stumbled over different issues; neglect and lack of honest communication. We wanted to keep our rings on because we were not leaning towards divorce. I felt we could fix and luckily we are working together.
If an affair or abuse had been involved.. I would have removed mine as well.
I did not know your story and I am sorry to hear how it went down like that.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I sold mine on eBay a few days after he confessed he had been cheating and one of the women was pregnant.

The second he told me that I knew my marriage was over for good.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

My WAW left mine in the bathroom cabinet for me to find... and then took every photo from every wall including photos of her stepson. Vindictive much?


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Thanks for everyone's comments. I guess I'm just not ready to take it off yet. Hurts real bad that she is though.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

bmark33 said:


> Thanks for everyone's comments. I guess I'm just not ready to take it off yet. Hurts real bad that she is though.


You do it when you're ready.

I'm sure it hurts, I know what it feels like when your spouse makes the decision that your marriage is over. It stinks not having a say in that. just take care of yourself.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

If you keep it on, you're basically saying: I don't have options. I am clingy and needy. I am unattractive.

If you take it off, you're stating: I have options. I don't need you to carry on in my life. I am attractive and will find someone else.

Take it off YESTERDAY


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Pawn it and take a vacation.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> Thanks for everyone's comments. I guess I'm just not ready to take it off yet. Hurts real bad that she is though.


Just remember, her decision to take them off has nothing to do with you. 

Take your time, and you do it when you're ready. Everyone operates on their own time table.

Personally, I took my wedding ring off maybe two months into my separation, because I wanted to see what it felt like, and I just never put them back on. I regret doing it so soon, now -- I miss my rings, and we're definitely getting divorced now. If I had known then that we were actually going to get divorced, I would have kept them on as long as possible.


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

I struggled with this same question. As soon as my husband and I had our last fight, which resulted in the "I want a divorce" talk, he took off his wedding ring and never put it back on. 

I have flip flopped back and off on wearing mine. While I do not let him see I wear mine, I DO sometimes like to wear them when I am alone in my bedroom, out to lunch on my own, or when I am at work.

I think it is personal choice and there is no right answer to whether you should wear them. You do what you feel is right with regards to wearing them.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

slb121 said:


> I struggled with this same question. As soon as my husband and I had our last fight, which resulted in the "I want a divorce" talk, he took off his wedding ring and never put it back on.
> 
> I have flip flopped back and off on wearing mine. While I do not let him see I wear mine, I DO sometimes like to wear them when I am alone in my bedroom, out to lunch on my own, or when I am at work.
> 
> I think it is personal choice and there is no right answer to whether you should wear them. You do what you feel is right with regards to wearing them.


Like I have learned here - You leave that thing on and you're communicating: I Am Plan B.

But like you said, it does take time to let go.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Only you will know when it's the right time. I don't agree with ReGroup here - there is nothing wrong with doing it in your own time, there is nothing weak about a man who treasures his wedding vows.

That being said, I actually took mine off before she did (in her presence, no less), and she was the one who left me. The next time I saw her, they were gone and I had put mine back on, lol. Oh well, the funny thing is, I took them off once more and the ring has not been found since. I did not lose it the entire time we were married, but I misplaced it during my move out of our home when we sold it.

Oh well, it's a new chapter. I just wish I would have sold it instead


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I took mine off the day I filed for divorce. The ring is still sitting on my dresser in plain site. I do look and it and feel sad. I think I leave it there to remind me never to be stupid again.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Our rings sit exactly where she left them. I might leave them in the house when I move out or bury them out back. The lies can stay with the house.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

BMark, I am assuming you don't want this Divorce right?

Then you must do things that are counter intuitive.

Taking off the ring IS just that.

Take it off.

You don't have a care in the world. 

You are showing her that you are ready to move on if this is what she wants.

A man with options is attractive.

Take. It. Off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

I hadn't worn my ring in close to two years because I gained a lot of weight and it didn't fit. Rather than having it resized, I was using it as inspiration to start working less, exercising, and losing the weight so I could wear it again. Then she moved out and filed for D, I lost 35 pounds in 30 days, I put it on just to confirm the irony of it now fitting, then quickly took it back off. It's been sitting on the dresser for six weeks, next to our framed wedding photo which now is turned to face the wall.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

You have me thinking. I filed yesterday. Served her papers today. I have had my ring off for more than 5 minutes only twice I can remember in 14 years of marriage. 

Once, just after we got married, I mashed up my finger (nearly lost it) on a job site. The other time they made me take it off for a surgery.

She hasn't worn her ring since she left about a month ago. That's making quite a statement. I've stopped chasing her and started looking out for my kids' legal interests, but I'm not sure I am ready to take mine off, nor am I sure when I will be.

I just plowed into the 180 last week before my attorney told me I had to file or risk losing my window of regaining some parental rights. I don't know if taking it off would make a bit of difference to her at this point. I just know she knew it killed me to see her without her ring...I don't think she cares about mine. My apologies for thinking through this "out loud" on your thread...this is all pretty fresh and raw to me, I'm looking for answers too.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> BMark, I am assuming you don't want this Divorce right?
> 
> Then you must do things that are counter intuitive.
> 
> ...


I took it off last night. I don't want this divorce. I'm thinking that keeping it on hasn't helped so I need to try something different. Plus I'm thinking that it could help with detaching.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I took mine off in the early days- its at my parents for what I wish to do with it.

XH left his on the bathroom windowsill, and I gave it him back when I found it.

I know where mine's heading in about 10 days. I'm going on a boat cruise with my friends. I'm going to drink a few beers and then it's going into Plymouth Sound- somewhere opposite Plymouth Hoe.

It's a piece of metal- nothing more now.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

philglossop said:


> I took mine off in the early days- its at my parents for what I wish to do with it.
> 
> XH left his on the bathroom windowsill, and I gave it him back when I found it.
> 
> ...


That sounds like a plan.

I'm thinking if I ever go back to Maine, I might go back to the lighthouse where we got married and pitch it into the ocean.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> I took it off last night. I don't want this divorce. I'm thinking that keeping it on hasn't helped so I need to try something different. Plus I'm thinking that it could help with detaching.


Good on you, bmark. 

You know, they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over, repeatedly, and expecting different results.

Welcome to the land of the sane, my friend.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

I'm taking your advice as well. I took off my ring today, about 3 hours ago. Other than named above, that's as long as its been off in over 14 years.

It's time to focus on my kids, my sobriety, and my own health and happiness. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much pain I am in anymore.

I'm still not sure about this, but I'm going to give a few days to the advice of this forum, and see where it takes me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

bmark33 said:


> I took it off last night. I don't want this divorce. I'm thinking that keeping it on hasn't helped so I need to try something different. Plus I'm thinking that it could help with detaching.


It does.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> I'm literally going to be served with divorce papers any day. My wife no longer wears her wedding rings. I still love her and haven't given up hope that we can still be a whole family again (two kids). At the same time I realize the odds are completely stacked against me. A part of me wants to wear my ring to show I haven't given up (like she has) and out of respect for the fact that we are still married. Another part of me feels like I need to detach and seeing this ring on my finger isn't helping much.
> 
> What to do?


bmark33, your clinging to a symbol of something that doesn't exists anymore. It won't be easier to face reality tomorrow or next week or next month so you should take it of now. Really it's just a little piece of metal.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

The day the divorce was final I threw it in the scrap bin at work as a symbol. I quit wearing it the day she said she was filing. Did it feel great to chuck it in there knowing it was going to get melted down and never exist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I took mine off when I moved out of the marital home. He took his off about a week after he told me he wanted a divorce. At first I felt that I would leave mine on until the divorce was finalized as a way to honor the vows that I took. Just because he didn't honor his I still wanted to honor the words that I spoke. I quickly changed my mind when I got into my new place. I felt like being publicly seen with my wedding ring on was still honoring him. He doesn't deserve to be honored. As soon as I find the paperwork on the ring I'm selling it and taking a nice relaxing vacation.


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