# He wants to have "as much as he can with me"



## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

This is my first post, but I have been following TAM for about 10 months since d-day. Married 13 years, two kids 12 and 10. Last February, my husband took our son to visit Colombia, South America, for a month. Husband called on February 27 wanting to extend the trip for another month. During this phone conversation, I found out he was having an affair with a Colombian woman and wanted to spend another month with her. He did not call to admit to the affair. He lied and said he was having a great time and wanted to stay longer. That didn’t seem right to me, I asked questions and eventually found out. He told me in that phone conversation they had already talked about marriage. I was in shock, especially because he had our 10 year son with him. I later found out they had been having an internet relationship for almost a year before the trip. 

I filed for divorce in April 2013 after he returned from Colombia. We were divorced in July 2013. He broke up with the Colombian woman in September 2013 because he thought she was immature, nagged a lot and liked to fight about everything. He has never said anything about me being any part of the reason he broke up with her. 

He has since told me he “wants to have as much as he can with me.” He does not use the word reconcile. He will not tell friends or family that we are seeing each other. He will not show any affection towards me in front of our kids. He comes over every day, but only during the day. We are intimate in the afternoon while the kids are in school. He usually stays for dinner. (He is looking for a job and I work part-time.) He always leaves by 6:00 p.m. We have never gone out or done anything past 6:00 p.m. He has never stayed over or ever indicated that he wants to do anything in the evening, even watch a movie together or just talk. He is very eager to leave after dinner.

He has made no indication at all that he wants to move back. He reluctantly answers my questions about the affair, but he makes it clear that it makes him very uncomfortable. He has said he is sorry. He is very interested in finding out if I can meet his needs. He had us do Harley’s questionnaire, as he has told me at least two of his needs were not being met and that is why he had the affair.

Please be blunt and tell me your take on this situation. What does he mean when he says “he wants to have as much as he can with me”?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Here's blunt...he wants sex. Get away from him. You deserve better!!!!


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## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

Yep, that's what I thought. Thanks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sex, obviously. If he plans anything more than that he's keeping it pretty close to the vest. I wouldn't trust him.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Time for you to get on with your life without him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I disagree with the others... I think most likely he's looking for a maid, nanny, cook... You know. General help around the house. Depending on your/his financial situation, he may be trying to save money on support or living expenses. He's already shown he's willing to look elsewhere for an emotional and sexual relationship, so he's got that covered. 

In any case, until he truly demonstrates remorse (including honest and transparency), getting back together with him would be foolish at best.

C


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## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Sex, obviously. If he plans anything more than that he's keeping it pretty close to the vest. I wouldn't trust him.


I guess it wasn't that obvious to me! Thanks.


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## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> I disagree with the others... I think most likely he's looking for a maid, nanny, cook... You know. General help around the house. Depending on your/his financial situation, he may be trying to save money on support or living expenses. He's already shown he's willing to look elsewhere for an emotional and sexual relationship, so he's got that covered.
> 
> In any case, until he truly demonstrates remorse (including honest and transparency), getting back together with him would be foolish at best.
> 
> C


Unfortunately, I have always felt like the maid, nanny, cook and I feel like I might be back in the same situation again. He is trying to be honest, but I don't believe transparency will ever happen with him. Thanks.


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## AZman (Nov 27, 2012)

if he is always gone by 6 and always arrives after the kids are at school he has another woman. Sorry but I would put money on it. He is leaving in time to see her at home or where ever they meet. Sorry


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah, it looks like he doesn't want to entirely cut this string...there are just way too many benefits...time to put away the welcome mat.

Btw, I would get tested for STD.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds like he has a great deal going. Afternoon delights. Dinner. Leave at 6:00 and leave the child rearing to you.

Hopefully he's a good father to the kids. But he's no longer husband material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SlowlyHealing said:


> I guess it wasn't that obvious to me! Thanks.


He has sex with you, has dinner and leaves. Two major needs met for him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A booty call during the day under the guise of marriage, no child support to pay, and another woman to go home to at night after a "hard day at work or looking for work." His other woman probably has work and money too. MAYBE that's it, but you don't know for sure...

If I were you, I'd see if I could find a bit of cash for a private detective, find out what's up and make a decision based on that. With some people, you just never know. People are full of surprises. Maybe he has a night job and is saving up for something. You might even come home one day and find your kid/s gone. Columbia is a difficult place to retrieve kids from...
if nothing else contact the State Department and put an alert on your kids. Also teach your kids the dangers of abduction (don't mention it's their dad you're worried about and instill a password system just for you and them...i.e. if someone picks them up or tries to take them somewhere and says, your Mom said...they should ask for the password, and if the person doesn't have it, then they should take whatever action needed to get help...)

Also, get a lock box somewhere and put the kids' passports in it. The State Department can also check and see if any other passports have been taken out for kids by your husband, also can see if he maybe got them passports while in Columbia (if that was possible for him.)

Be smart. If you like the time you spend with him by all means continue. But be alert to what it is he is telling you and how that might differ from the various options he is considering. We like to think that someone who is deceiving us in any way has some kind of concrete plan, a puzzle that we can definitively solve. But in actuality, someone might have a number of different plans, and be waiting to see what the best opportunity is. Sometimes these people realize that any plan is flawed, that deceit always comes to an end, and they may in the end just give up and stay with the known, true and tried (that would be you.) A therapist once told me that the magic age for these kind of men is about 40, after that they lose their game. But I think the age may be pushed a bit older than that, depending on the person and what they have available to them and what tolerance level is there in their environment for "options." 

Some men will take their kids to avoid child support. Whatever happens, don't let that happen. A woman I knew had to hire her own personal SWAT team to go down to SA to rescue her kids...that was however in Brazil, maybe Columbia is different, but better or worse I couldn't say. Plus there are plenty places to hide kids in plain sight in US. But you don't say where you are.


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

Why would you want anything to do with this man????


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## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

Just to clarify, we are already divorced. He pays a ton of support. He is coming off of a sabbatical, but wants to do something different now (he is a lawyer). When we are together, he seems sincere and caring. I am just confused why he says "he wants as much as he can have with me", as opposed to saying he wants to reconcile, etc. I also don't get the urgency of leaving right after dinner every night or not telling anyone about us. I know I am probably being very naive, that is why I am asking for everyone's blunt opinions!


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Strange choice of words. 

Have you told him what you want? What do you want?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SlowlyHealing said:


> Please be blunt and tell me your take on this situation. What does he mean when he says “he wants to have as much as he can with me”?


Ok, my take is that you're a fool. I guess the ole boy has to rap up his "job searches" if you know what I mean, by noon. It sound like you believe you don't have what it takes to have another relationship. Is that how you feel?
The “he wants to have as much as he can with me” means he wants, and successfully got, free sex, a meal, and gone by 6 pm, with no cost or responsibility. Kinda gives new meaning to the phrase, "dine and dash".
He needs to patent and sell his formula to make this happen. He'd make millions.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

"He wants to have as much as he can with me"

Until... he finds another woman? Until you decide enough is enough? Until his Colombian woman moves to America? Does he have a terminal illness? Is he planning on leaving the country??
until when??


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

If he has made no commitment to you formally, if he has a history of deceit and promiscuity, and plays you off against other women...

WHY on EARTH are you having SEX with him?

Are you WANTING to get an STD?

When in the world did sex and commitment switch places?

Isn't commitment supposed to happen FIRST..and THEN the sex happens afterwards?

When in the world did this get reversed?

He's using you.. DUMP HIM.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you sure he didn't say "take advantage of as much as he can from you"?

He's using you. He's not remorseful for what he did. He's holding you in limbo, unable to move on and get a real life. 

C


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with all the other posters. He is using you.

As soon as you mentioned 'gone at 6pm' every day, 1st thing I thought was he has a double life. He has another woman he has to get home to 'after work'. Have you seen his home? Where does he go at 6 every night? Does this happen at weekends also? Or do you not see him at weekends?

He wants as much as he can with you, i.e. he will take as much as you will give....selfishly.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I'm still shaking my head after reading this. "He wants as much as he can:" I take that to mean he'd like all the free sex he can get along with free dinners at your expense. Then it's off to something (or someone) else. Man, he's having a great time, and it isn't costing him anything. :scratchhead: My question to you is, why in the hell are you putting up with this nonsense?You're divorced. You don't owe this dirtbag *anything*! The question should be, what do YOU want? It doesn't sound like there's any kind of reconciliation on his mind, so what's his game? I repeat: FREE SEX and FREE FOOD. Do you need this in your life? Tell the jerk to hit the road for your own self respect.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

SlowlyHealing said:


> Please be blunt and tell me your take on this situation. What does he mean when he says “he wants to have as much as he can with me”?


He wants to have as much as he can (have) *FROM* you without having to reciprocate and give "as much as he can" *TO* you. 

And, from what you've described, he seems to be doing JUST THAT!

But if you REALLY want to know what he meant by that, why not _ASK *HIM*_?

Vega


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Women use sex to get love.
Men use love to get sex.

I dont see you getting your due.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You deserve better. Pay attention to his actions, not his words.


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