# Sexual attraction



## feuillecouleur (Apr 13, 2012)

So I'm wondering if it's possible to choose who you are sexually attracted to or does it just happen?


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Never been able to control that. I've heard people that claimed they could 'direct' it to a certain extent but yeah... Not for me.

I assume this is about "off the bat" sexual attraction and not that kind of attraction that develops after long time in a well-functioning LTR?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I couldn't control it either. It was either there or it wasn't.


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## feuillecouleur (Apr 13, 2012)

So what if you have been in a LTR and was thinking that it would naturally happen but never did?


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Then you've learned the lesson that attraction doesn't just come out of nowhere for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think it's something you choose. 

There are men I am instantly attracted to. There are others where it may sneak up on me. There are some where something they do makes me find them attractive. There are some where I may have known someone a long time and then BAM one day I think they are handsome. It's weird.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

feuillecouleur said:


> So what if you have been in a LTR and was thinking that it would naturally happen but never did?


I think this is bad. Why on earth would you get involved in a relationship where you were never attracted to someone? You wasted your time, their time, etc. Break it off. I can't imagine anything more awful than convincing someone you're into them when you are really not.

I personally would not have a "romantic" relationship with someone I'm not sexually attracted to.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Happens all the time with women. I've had friends that assumed it would get better somehow. Magical thinking at it's best. They mistook 'some' feelings for something they could somehow grow into. 

I've got a friend now who just now found out what sexual chemistry really feels like. She'd never had it before so she really had no idea what she was missing.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Idk...maybe I'm strange, but I have never just been out and out sexually attracted to anyone. Even celebrities that I think are hot hot hot don't neccesarily turn me on by just looking so d*mn sexy. I need more than that to be sexually attracted, so I tend to grow into sexual attraction. I've dated all types of men in regards to age/race and I can't think of a single instance where seeing a hot guy just made me want to drop my panties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> Originally Posted by feuillecouleur View Post
> So what if you have been in a LTR and was thinking that it would naturally happen but never did?


I agree with JB as this can be a lifetime of misery. I recall a poster some time ago whose wife said she was thinking about an affair and admitted she was just not attracted to her husband. The poor guy showed up here and received WAY more insight than he could handle and he was gone.

My wife finally admitted in MC that "she was chose me for different reasons", that I was "intellectually challenging" and she thought I would be a good father and provider. Bad answer...a man wants to be desired just as a woman does. If there is no attraction, some day there will have to be an answer to that question. I would have preferred the answer a long time ago.



> I've got a friend now who just now found out what sexual chemistry really feels like. She'd never had it before so she really had no idea what she was missing.


My wife is certain, and the female MC has agreed, that this is a myth. Whatever sexual being she is with me is all the sexual being she can ever be. That is pure BS to me.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Happens all the time with women. I've had friends that assumed it would get better somehow. Magical thinking at it's best. They mistook 'some' feelings for something they could somehow grow into.
> 
> I've got a friend now who just now found out what sexual chemistry really feels like. She'd never had it before so she really had no idea what she was missing.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

aribabe said:


> I can't think of a single instance where seeing a hot guy just made me want to drop my panties.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not what we are talking about. Sexual chemistry is when someone touches, kisses or is otherwise affectionate with you desire for them soon follows.


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## feuillecouleur (Apr 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Happens all the time with women. I've had friends that assumed it would get better somehow. Magical thinking at it's best. They mistook 'some' feelings for something they could somehow grow into.
> 
> I've got a friend now who just now found out what sexual chemistry really feels like. She'd never had it before so she really had no idea what she was missing.


I feel like this is what's happening to me, too. Unfortunately it's not with my husband and I don't know what to do. I've never felt that kind of raw attraction to someone before. My husband and I have always gotten along really well but the sexual spark was never there for me


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How long have you been married? Any kids?

My friend ended up divorcing her husband after 10 years and 3 kids together. Lack of chemistry wasn't the reason she left him but I'm glad she did. They BOTH deserved better.

He deserved someone who truly desired him and she deserved to be able to go to bed without being covered up from head to toe.

Oh she had sex with him regularly but it was out of obligation not desire.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Of course, you can. Folks all over the world see each other the first time at their wedding and many of them have very loving, fulfilling relationships. These marriages have divorce rates far lower than our's. The idea of marrying for love and sexual attraction is relatively new even in the Western world. Not all that long ago, people married for survival and they married whomever was available. After our Civil War, there weren't all that many groom options for would-be brides, especially in the South. Folks got married because they needed someone. Many of these unions ended up being very passionate and loving though they didn't start that way. You could talk yourself into loving a dirt pie if you wanted to.


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## feuillecouleur (Apr 13, 2012)

I wouldn't even know where to begin :scratchhead:

Do you "just do it"?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Just do what?


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Like someone mentioned, either it is there or it is not. For me its been like that since HS. You have some women who are very attractive and for me there were those women that are good looking but something about them really attracted me to them. I'd say goes the same for my W. I scoped her out for about 2-3 months before I found the best chance to say something. We use to frequently eat at the same spot but I would always see her on her way out while I was on my way in. Im glad I didnt say anything immediately because at the time after we got together I found out she was in a semi serious relationship so it would have been a waste. I would have never tried to talk to her again. Then I didnt see her for a while, but after that I made up in my mind that once I saw her again Id say something. Bout two weeks later I did and I have had the same desire for her since day one. Actually its probably grown since I met her. She still looks good but doesn't look as good as she use to (I'd love to get her back to where she was before our son, she was perfect. Its when she is ready though, cant force her). Can attraction be lost? Of course. I went through that phase with her but it wasnt her, just where I was at mentally. I wasnt mentally attracted to her so I didnt view her the same physically either. Once my head was back in the game thats when the desire was stronger than before. I dont think you should settle especially when its LTR or marriage if you dont have raw attraction for that person.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, are you in an arranged marriage? If not and you chose to marry your partner, then why did you do it in the first place? I think it's possible to develop romantic feelings for someone overtime because in reality there is no such thing as there being "soul mates" or "one true loves". But even for that to happen, your husband has to have some kind of physical traits or personality traits that gets you could get excited over.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I was almost instantly attracted to my wife, but in the case of another old flame, I was at a wedding, I kissed the bride, and then just for the hell of it I grabbed and kissed the girl standing next to her (the grooms sister). 

I had absolutely no attraction to her till that kiss, and at that moment sparks flew for both of us...

We almost instantly became inseperable, and carried on a torrid romance for quite some time.....

In yet another instance, I knew the person, but would have never considered asking her out....

She was attracted to me, and had a mutual friend set up a situation where we were thrown together alone at a drive in theater (yes, back in the stone age). 

Proximity led to conversation, conversation led to a kiss, and it was "Katie bar the door"


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

feuillecouleur said:


> I feel like this is what's happening to me, too. Unfortunately it's not with my husband and I don't know what to do. I've never felt that kind of raw attraction to someone before. My husband and I have always gotten along really well but the sexual spark was never there for me


Don't know much of your story, but would advise you to NOT engage in infidelity of any sort. If you feel that you can't work this out, get out of your current relationship first, then pursue this other person. Thoughtfully.


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## feuillecouleur (Apr 13, 2012)

bobka said:


> Don't know much of your story, but would advise you to NOT engage in infidelity of any sort. If you feel that you can't work this out, get out of your current relationship first, then pursue this other person. Thoughtfully.


Well it's too late. It's done but it's over. My husband has stuck by me, however, which I am very thankful and grateful for. He is a really great man and I feel bad about putting him through all of this. I want my 12 yr marriage to work which is why I'm here. Has anyone read this book Kosher Adultery? I just started it and it's very good so far.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Idk...maybe I'm strange, but I have never just been out and out sexually attracted to anyone. Even celebrities that I think are hot hot hot don't neccesarily turn me on by just looking so d*mn sexy. I need more than that to be sexually attracted, so I tend to grow into sexual attraction. I've dated all types of men in regards to age/race and I can't think of a single instance where seeing a hot guy just made me want to drop my panties.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^^^^^
I am like this.
I was NEVER sexually attracted to my wife at first. We were
" just friends " for years. 
But as our emotional connection grew, I became more sexually attracted to her.

It takes quite a lot for me to be "instantly" or covertly sexually attracted to any woman.


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## Snookums (Nov 6, 2012)

I don't think it's something one can control happening but acting on it CAN be controlled.


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