# Please help me with my marriage!!



## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

First time poster and just looking for any advice really that will help me save my marriage. 

My wife and I have been together for 9 years. Married for 3 of those and have a 7 year old son. We have never really been good at communicating with each other and argue quite often. I used to be the lazy husband that would get home from work and just chill and watch tv while she cooked cleaned and most other chores around the house. However I have always been involved with our child’s activities, school, sports, anything he is interested in. I feel like I have given her the best life I possible could during this whole time. Anything they ask for if within reach they get, trips around the world, you name it she gets it. I thought everything was going great even though she has always told me work on yourself, go to the gym take care of yourself, do things for yourself and I never did.

On Nov. 9 a week before we were supposed to go on vacation to Cancun. Just wife and I she told me she didn’t want to go anymore and that she was leaving. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. She ended up leaving and has been gone since then staying at her sister’s. That very same day I realized what I was losing. Too little to late some might say. But I started working out. I have kept the house spotless. Going to counseling for myself and marriage counseling as well. Things where slowly getting better. They were so toxic when she left she said she didn’t know when she would be back. Her reason for leaving was she said she wanted us to find each other and see if this is what we both really wanted. We spent Thanksgiving apart and I was not sure Christmas would be together either. We started marriage counseling and a week before Christmas the counselor mentioned to her an idea of spending Christmas together not for us but for our child. She refused almost all week until a couple of days before and the agreed we would spend it together. I then invited her to go have alone time between us and we went on a mini staycation in the mountains. We had an awesome one in my eyes and things where improving. We were talking and texting more and things didn’t seem so strained. Well forward to New Year’s Eve she still isn’t back home and her family and I all head to a condo in the mountains to celebrate New Years. We start drinking and that is where things go south. I don’t know exactly what she said at he moment but I blew up in front of her family and yelled at her telling her I was tired of this ****, I was tired of being alone, I was tired of being apart! I slept in the garage of the condo that night and things have gotten worse since then. I wrote her an apology letter and a rose and dropped it off in her car before she was off of work on the 2nd of Jan. Then on Thursday I took her a box of chocolates. On Sunday I printed some pictures of us together and posted them on the inside of her driver window. She called me Monday morning and told me. That she has said she is done she wants nothing to do with me. That she doesn’t love me, there isn’t anything to work on, she hasn’t attended counseling anymore, she wants the divorce and only communication is to be for our child only.

Now divorce is something she has told me ever since she first left. So I asked her why haven’t you filed and her excuse is she doesn’t have any money. I don’t know what to do anymore what to say. I have changed all bad habits and gave up alcohol as a New Years resolution. I have lost 25lbs since she left in Nov but she still wants nothing to do with me. Any advice? I can provide more details if needed. Sorry if messy typing from a phone.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ramos


> I feel like I have given her the best life I possible could during this whole time. Anything they ask for if within reach they get, trips around the world, you name it she gets it.


Does not amount to much of anything if you are not providing you W what she really needs. 



> I then invited her to go have alone time between us and we went on a mini staycation in the mountains. We had an awesome one in my eyes and things where improving. We were talking and texting more and things didn’t seem so strained.


What she needed from you. Alone time with you. Not a new car, house, lavish vacation. 



> We start drinking and that is where things go south. I don’t know exactly what she said at he moment but I blew up in front of her family and yelled at her telling her I was tired of this ****,


You have not learned to let the W come back on her own schedule. Patience. At this juncture, after the scene at the condo, it is less than favorable for you. Your W has detached. I would think at this time it is best to advise your W you do not seek D and get IC to work on yourself.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

I have been attending counseling for myself. Counselor says I’ve been making progress but I still feel desperate at times to contact her. To be with her. Just to hear her. She told me on the call we had the other day she said she was done that the only thing she wanted was respect from me infront of her family. I know I ****ed up. I manned up and apologized to everyone individually. 

I guess my only real question right now is if there is any hope left in this for us?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Check your phone bill. Check her phone. Lots of times this is cheating. Was she a stay at home Mom?


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

I also forgot to add that I have constantly mentioned to her that divorce is NOT WHAT I WANT! I am willing to work as hard as needed to fix our relationship


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would bet money there is someone else.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

She works in law enforcement. I have checked phone bill no calls out of the ordinary to her mom and sisters. Texts I can’t see the context but I get last months numbers she has texted and nothing odd either. She has always said she hates her job, that it’s stressful, but has never wanted to change. I used to tell her to get a different job within her career if she wanted but have stopped because counselor said that is like telling her to delete part of her identity.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

https://youtu.be/cH151KqsnIM


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ramos said:


> First time poster and just looking for any advice really that will help me save my marriage.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for 9 years. Married for 3 of those and have a 7 year old son. We have never really been good at communicating with each other and argue quite often. *I used to be the lazy husband that would get home from work and just chill and watch tv while she cooked cleaned and most other chores around the house.* However I have always been involved with our child’s activities, school, sports, anything he is interested in. I feel like I have given her the best life I possible could during this whole time. *Anything they ask for if within reach they get, trips around the world, you name it she gets it.* I thought everything was going great even though *she has always told me work on yourself, go to the gym take care of yourself, do things for yourself and I never did.*
> 
> ...


Hey Ramos, 

Wy were you always the lazy husband? It's fantastic that you're an active parent, but why didn't you contribute a little more to the household end of things? Did your wife also work outside of the home?

You mentioned that your wife and child got anything they asked for. Instead of trips, etc., did your wife ever ask for things like quality time, affection, just sitting down to catch up on each other's lives?

If your wife mentioned that you should work on yourself and take care of yourself by going to the gym, then it sounds like a healthy lifestyle was important to her, and being with someone healthy was also important. Why were you against doing these things? You've since lost 25lbs, and that's awesome! But, maybe your wife wanted to see you healthier when you were together.

My marriage sounds a lot like yours, minus the child. My husband wasn't lazy per say, he worked hard at the things he enjoyed like his job, and the things he was into outside of work. He barely lifted a finger around the house and yard, and the amount of times he cooked was minimal. Like you, our communication was horrible, and we argued a lot until I stopped trying to communicate with him about important things, because it was pointless. He worked out when we first got together, but stopped making the time for it. He would get angry/defensive when I asked him about spending some time together, and tell me that I was "denying him as a person" for suggesting that he maybe put his phone down on our very rare date nights. He apparently was checking student emails (he's a prof). Between the lack of communication and telling me what a crappy communicator I was and what all I was doing wrong in that regard, the story-telling, very little time being spent together… We grew apart. I felt single for much of my 4-year marriage, and there's a reason he's now my STBXH. 

Like you (and many others), I think he realized a little too late what he was losing (and what WE were losing out on), and was willing to change his ways. Unfortunately, I had been checked out for a couple of years at that point, and wanted nothing to do with a reconciliation. We're now going for a divorce, I've since joined an online dating site, and life is really good. It's much more calm and happier. Although I can't be sure, I'm guessing this is also how your wife is feeling. That it's a relief to be away from chaos, the trying and feeling like a failure all the time, the drama, the having to do so much by herself and feeling like a single person with a spouse who is really more like a roommate.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

So a little more back story I’ll add. I had always been the guy that would do a lot of little details here and there for her. At the beginning I did all of the cooking for us because I love to cook. I would post little notes saying I love you. I would buy her roses just to be nice. Reasons I stopped those things was because at times we would argue and she would just leave her dinner there or throw it in the trash. She would always say that she didn’t like flowers when I would give them to her but then say something like well you don’t give me flowers anymore. I would at times as her how her day was or how work was going and all she would say is ok and then be silent.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ramos said:


> She works in law enforcement. I have checked phone bill no calls out of the ordinary to her mom and sisters. Texts I can’t see the context but I get last months numbers she has texted and nothing odd either. She has always said she hates her job, that it’s stressful, but has never wanted to change. I used to tell her to get a different job within her career if she wanted but have stopped because counselor said that is like telling her to delete part of her identity.


What apps does she have on her phone?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ramos said:


> I have been attending counseling for myself. Counselor says I’ve been making progress but I still feel desperate at times to contact her. To be with her. Just to hear her. She told me on the call we had the other day she said she was done that the only thing she wanted was respect from me infront of her family. I know I ****ed up. I manned up and apologized to everyone individually.
> 
> I guess my only real question right now is if there is any hope left in this for us?


Acceptance back will come from your actions. Words are fleeting. The staying power of your ongoing corrective actions speaks much more than any words. Not until your W sees real change that is staying on course will you have a chance. Currently you W feels she is not respected by you. Not a great situation. Work on respecting your W as she deserves respect.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

Facebook twitter Instagram Snapchat (I know all the persons she messages)


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

How about listen to her and respect her wishes? She said she is done so do her the favor of filing for divorce and having her served. Most courts have self help areas and you can do it all without a lawyer, so it's very inexpensive. 

Part of the reason to do this is to assess whether she is really done with the marriage or not. If she doesn't bring up stopping the divorce proceedings and goes along with the divorce then she was serious about the marriage being over and there is absolutely nothing you can do. Do not ask her to get back together since she already knows where you stand and it's a weak move on your part. If she's truly ready to end things then recognize that you can't stop it, so do it with your dignity intact.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

Makes sense because since the blow up I had she did say the thing that hurt her the most was that it happened in front of her family. And she says since it’s not the first time (probably 3 total in 9 years) it’s happened it’s why she says “she is just done”


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

I’ve been really thinking about this method but i guess the thought of it really ending is what stops me. Because that’s not what i want. I want to show her that a person can truly change and not only for her but change for myself and be happy with myself.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I would bet money there is someone else.





Ramos said:


> *She works in law enforcement.* I have checked phone bill no calls out of the ordinary to her mom and sisters. Texts I can’t see the context but I get last months numbers she has texted and nothing odd either. She has always said she hates her job, that it’s stressful, but has never wanted to change. I used to tell her to get a different job within her career if she wanted but have stopped because counselor said that is like telling her to delete part of her identity.


Ugh. It would take a fool to bet against it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ramos said:


> I’ve been really thinking about this method but i guess the thought of it really ending is what stops me. Because that’s not what i want. I want to show her that a person can truly change and not only for her but change for myself and be happy with myself.


A lot of times, it really is too little too late, I'm sorry. Keep working on yourself though, as that's important. When I was thinking about separation, and doing reading articles, one of the things that kept popping up was that a lot of men make really good second husbands (and I'm sure this is true of women too). They learn from their mistakes, and do better the second time around.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If it's cheating I suspect you are going to find out pretty soon. If I wanted to I could probably find 2 or 3 threads where the story was exactly the same and it turns out the wife had a special friend.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

Why not file for divorce then? Why put it off? She still comes by the house when I’m not around washes her clothes. Showers. Pays her share of the bills. Still has most all of her clothes at the house. She literally has her uniforms and probably 5 pairs of jeans. Maybe 9 shirts with her. When she could easily do that at her sisters house or her moms since we all live in close proximity to each other.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

I literally followed her around for the first month she left. Everywhere she went and found absolutely nothing. That is why I don’t think there is anyone else.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ramos said:


> Why not file for divorce then? Why put it off? She still comes by the house when I’m not around washes her clothes. Showers. Pays her share of the bills. Still has most all of her clothes at the house. She literally has her uniforms and probably 5 pairs of jeans. Maybe 9 shirts with her. When she could easily do that at her sisters house or her moms since we all live in close proximity to each other.


Could be your W wants you to initiate the divorce. What do you want to do? If it is really a lost cause why are you waiting to initiate the divorce? Your W asked for it correct? Was it an idle threat? Allow your W to have it. She may change her tune. She may not.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

I want to exhaust every option possible with my marriage before I throw in the towel even if she has already done so on her end. She asked for it and supposedly when she first left she stated that she had the papers printed and would bring them around and never did. Then after New Years she said “I will bring the divorce papers this week!!” Still nothing. That’s what has me hessatating on doing that myself. I believe there is still something in her that has her double thinking that decision. Maybe she wants to really wait it out and see if I am a changed person. 2 months feels like for ever for me but it might not be enough to actually say I changed and be able to keep the momentum if she comes back.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ramos,

i think you have exhausted every effort...she is done...i'm not sure how much more she can tell you she she is done....MOVE ON!..

here is what i recommend to her your fine with being done but your not filing simple as that...you can lend her the money to file but your not filing...of course from then on your also done. 

please don't look desperate


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

IMO the worst thing you can do is kowtow to her too much. Yes, you aren't perfect. Yes, you made some mistakes. I'm willing to bet she isn't perfect either and has made her share of mistakes. However you aren't a bum, you have a job, you provide for your family, and you are now trying to make some changes. You are making an effort. The ball is in her court now and if it isn't enough then I would call her bluff and see what happens. This is NOT 100% your fault so don't beat yourself up over it too much. At this point she's the one pushing for it, not you.

If it comes to divorce, try to get at least shared custody of your kid. She may start to have second thoughts about busting up her family.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ramos said:


> I want to exhaust every option possible with my marriage before I throw in the towel even if she has already done so on her end. She asked for it and supposedly when she first left she stated that she had the papers printed and would bring them around and never did. Then after New Years she said “I will bring the divorce papers this week!!” Still nothing. That’s what has me hessatating on doing that myself. I believe there is still something in her that has her double thinking that decision. Maybe she wants to really wait it out and see if I am a changed person. 2 months feels like for ever for me but it might not be enough to actually say I changed and be able to keep the momentum if she comes back.


Your W was bluffing with having the papers. I see no other reason your W did not drop them off for your signature. 

Bring your own D papers to her. One can only grovel and stay in limbo so long. Your W should state that she is waiting to see if your change is lasting and stop threatening/string you along if that is the case. If not, initiate the D yourself. See your W bluff and raiser her one. When you W looks at you in astonishment that you're serving her papers state this is what she wanted. You don't want any parts of D however. She may change her tune.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

Well sadly I would probably be able to get full custody. As I am the main caretaker of child. She works 2pm-10pm so I pick him up from school. I am with him every day W-Sun she literally only spends time with him on Monday and Tuesday evenings.

We have joint accounts. She uses my account as she needs to. Money isn’t the issue for divorce. But she won’t communicate with me so I don’t know what she truly is looking to accomplish.

I feel at the moment I’m not quite ready to call her bluff as I don’t think very highly of myself. I’m making progress but I don’t think I’ve made enough to be able to do that yet.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Ramos said:


> Well sadly I would probably be able to get full custody.


Why sadly? Yes getting a divorce is a bummer, but keeping your child near you isn't.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

I would love nothing more to have him 24/7 but that means he spends time away from his mom and her parents which love him very much. Basically I’m just saying that he didn’t ask for any of this to happen and in the end the kids end up being treated like a bargaining tools. Before any of this happened I was really close to her parents I would probably spend more time with them a week then she would in a month. But all of that has changed and our child has noticed and well I feel guilty because I was part of the problem. Maybe not all but part!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rhubarb said:


> Ramos said:
> 
> 
> > Well sadly I would probably be able to get full custody.
> ...


If a parent isn't abusive or harmful ( and this mother isn't!!!!!!!) each parent should be able to share a child's life with him/ her!!!!


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Ramos said:


> But all of that has changed and our child has noticed and well I feel guilty because I was part of the problem. Maybe not all but part!


Nobody is perfect and nobody is a perfect parent. Bottom line is you aren't the one making this happen. I'm sure you can negotiate 50/50 if your wife is up for it. If she isn't, that's not your fault.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think she is done. You say it's been two long months and you've changed but sounds like right in the middle of this time is when you decided you were going to yell at her and try to control the situation.

She's been a maid, cook and general servant long enough. It probably only had minimal issue with the weight or else she'd be back.

Most the time by this point wives have detached why would she reattach?

Work on being amicable and working out custody.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Your yelling at her in front of her family was probably the last straw. It sounds like she’s had enough of being disrespected in her marriage. It’s good that you have taken actions to improve on yourself, but you need to ask your wife what she needs for reconciliation to happen and demonstrate that you’re serious about meeting her needs. You need to commit to change for good and not just until she moves back in. 

It’s not going to be a quick fix. Marriage is a lot of work and takes teamwork, but it sounds like she’s tired being the only hand clapping. 

Give her space. Tell her you will respect her distance, pursue but don’t beg.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

She sounds like a beotch!

You will be happier without her.


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## Ramos (Jan 12, 2018)

Thank you for the advice I can’t really ask her what it will take to reconcile as she won’t even talk to me.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

From a bystander point of view I think the idea of buying chocolate and posting a pics of y'all together on her car window comes across as a stalker or just creepy as hell. Yeah just write a letter leave it at that. All you do is a 180 or no contact.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Time is one your side nothing else. Go no contact 100% no call, no accidental meet ups, no letters, no texts, don't send flowers, nothing!!! Do this for 2 months or just long enough the idea is to get her to contact you first that may take awhile. The way she feels about you now will not change as long as you are popping up ever so often. I would say the 3 month mark of no contact she probably feel different about you or at least not as bad. How she feels 3 months from now will change but it doesn't guarentee a reconciliation. But pursuing her and contacting her ever so often just reinforces her decision to leave you. 

Other stuff you can do that gives her the illusion that you moved on but it's a bluff. Change your facebook status, take pics down of y'all together on facebook, don't talk about anything marriage related to family, friends or on facebook. Wait 2-3 weeks unfriend her. Just don't do this right away maybe wait 1 week.

Wait it out even if it takes months sooner or later she will contact you but don't contact her first. Act calm!!! be nice, agree on everything she says. Keep this up as long as you can just long enough. Then go to plan b if she filed or pursuing divorce. Plan b is to make amends but peacefully. Always do plan b way after no contact.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Ramos said:


> Because that’s not what i want.


It doesn't matter what you want. Why aren't you listening to her, she couldn't have made it clearer nor her actions spoken louder.

As to why she hasn't filed, are there lengths of time one has to be separated before one can file in your area? Or she may be getting her life together so when she does file it will be plainer sailing for her in regards to having concrete plans in place for her life moving forward.

And you have to move forward with yours. Think of yourself and your child and start to act like the man of your household.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ramos said:


> We have never really been good at communicating with each other and argue quite often. I used to be the lazy husband that would get home from work and just chill and watch tv while she cooked cleaned and most other chores around the house.


Yet another one who thinks his genitals preclude him from doing his SHARE around the house. Your wife works full-time just like YOU, but she was also expected to do everything inside the house on top of it - so freakin' typical.

No wonder she left.

So big deal, you're involved with your kid. As a parent, isn't that your *job* to be involved with your kid?

You have NO idea the huge amount of resentment she's probably built up against you because every single time she was working her ass off AFTER work, there your lazy arrogant ass was, laying on the couch watching Baywatch reruns and picking lint out of your belly button.

Golly. I can't imagine why she left.

Now you're dancing as fast as you can, trying to be the husband you SHOULD have been all those years you were skating and thinking your mere _presence_ was enough to keep her happy. Pffft.

When a woman is done, she's *DONE*.

I can't stress that enough. 

Time to see a lawyer.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ramos said:


> I literally followed her around for the first month she left. Everywhere she went and found absolutely nothing. That is why I don’t think there is anyone else.


Good lord. Psycho stalker, much?

Unless you're connected to her hip and are literally with her 24 hours a DAY, 7 DAYS a week, you don't know jack-****.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Three blow-ups in front of her family in 9 years is 3 times too many. What gave you permission to humiliate her in that manner? Have you considered that her family may be wanting her to divorce you?

Please don't blame it on booze. It sounds like you consider your wife to be more a piece of property than a human being with her own agency. She has pinpointed respect as the problem. Work on that.


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