# Am I wasting my time?



## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

I apologise in advance for the long post.
I'm just so confused…so down..so lonely..

I'm tired of trying, being the only one who seems to care about my marriage. We've beeen mariied over four years togetehr over 6 years.

My husband has mood swings and carries around a lot of anger with him, he's not a talker so makes things very difficult.
He lost his mum when he was 13 and his dad when he was 15 so he's had a rough life in care etc.

I blame myself all the time for why he is unhappy, he's constantly complainign how s**t his life is 
He loses his temper breaks things, smashes things , swears a lot etc...
He only seems happy when everything is going right in life, but when we have struggles i.e money etc he doesn't cope well he pushes me away gets angry etc.
We have sex twice a month if that I'm 26 he's 37.
I have a fairly high sex drive which makes this diifcult, he never gives me any affection.
He never approaches me for a kiss or a cuddle, I am a very kissy/cuddly perosn so this is hard too.
He says he loves me and can be kind but the lack of affection is driving me insane.
Its been this way for a long time.
We've gone to hell and back in our marriage lots of problems with his stepson, money, family, he smoked weed for years, infetility, his depression etc.
Most of the troubles he sails through locking me out and givin me the silent treatment.

It hurts really bad  Im so lonely I nearly kissed another man the other night whilst I was drunk, I was cravin just for a hug…some attention and someone to listen to me.

My husband and I don't communicate very well, he withdarws and I feelin like I'm nagging him to talk, he gets frustrated with me very easily, blows up and then we don't speak.

Hence the reason why I won't talk to him right now about how I feel I don’t think I can deal with the hassle or the cold shoulder.
I love him but I feel like a stupid love sick puppy waiting around for any scrap of affection he'll throw me 
He is a very awkward man but when he is good he is amazing he's kind caring and funny my fmaily love him but behind closed doors he's a depressive angry monster.


I feel lonely and unloved I don't want to beg or nag for love and affection 
I want affection and love not necessarily sex just cuddles and kisses even
I want I don't want my heart to hurt anymore I'm a good wife to him and have been more than patient with certain sitautions over the years.
He knows his actions hurt me and sometimes apologises althought that is rare and that’s what hurts me the most
All I want is to be loved... His reaction is normally- 'if you're not happy then go'  what do I do go? No suggestion that we work it out...

Is it me expecting too much?
DO I mean anythign to him?

When there are days…weeks that go by and he shows me NO affection at all is it any wonder I feel the way I do
Im attractive I'm well dressed, make an effort in the bedroom when we do it, he's always fully satisfied!
I on the other hand get oral sex maybe three or four times a year if I'm lucky  
When we have sex it is fab so why doesn't he want is more often? Confused….
Lots more to this story but he knows how I feel about him I just wish his a**hole behaviour I wish I could not let it affect me so much 
Shall I justy pack up and go 
Six years I've been with him and given him my heart and soul :rant:

He denies any responsibility for anything its always someone elses fault, he'd never got o counselling I know if I suggested it... 
Stuck


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

You deserve so much more than this. I would start with marriage counseling so he can get his priorities straight. Sounds like his past is clouding his present and future. Communication and getting your needs met are so important in marriage. Both are lacking here.

Wow. I feel your pain! I would recommend the 5 languages of love, but there is a lot more going on here. Does he want things to get better?


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

thank you so much for your reply.
He has jsut sent me a message on my phone saying he loves me...
Hes been really stressed the past few weeks tryign to fix his van and been distant and angry about it all.
Now his van is fixed he is creepin to me...

I know he's checking out how the land lies before I get home later. He's feelign guilty now... I know him too well
He may even apologise have sex with me and maybe I'll give in because I'm so starved of affection 
Before when we've had problems after sex I break down into an emotional mess becuase one minute there's no affection and then full on passionate loving sex... it messes with my head. I feel loved by him again then...but the pattern repeats and it eventually happens again.

I don't even know how to speak with him about it all...
without gettign upset and lookin like a total idiot


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is abusive and needs mental help. Tell him you need him to start going to therapy. If he refuses, tell him you are leaving. Period.

Warning, though, if his abusive nature runs deep, it's unlikely he can be fixed.

For you, go get this book and read it asap: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It will be a lifesaver.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

That is what I fear I fear the way he is is permanent and beyond help..
I will try to talk to him tonight and tell him how I feel x


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When you talk to someone who makes you unhappy, do NOT make it a 'you do this and that wrong' speech. He will shut down and stop listening in the first sentence and he will turn it all around to be all your fault.

You need to read up on boundaries first. What you have is a bunch of missing boundaries - what YOU need to feel safe, respected, and loved. What you do with them is state them to him, and when he crosses your boundary, you give him a consequence. 

Easy example: "I deserve not to be yelled at. If you raise your voice, I will leave the room. If you follow me to another room and raise your voice again, I will leave the house. If you start yelling again when I come home, I will pack a bag and go to a hotel for a night. If you do it again when I return tomorrow, I'll pack for a week. If you still do it, I will move out and you'll only have yourself to yell at."

That is NOT you telling him what to do. It is you telling him what YOU will do if he disrespects you. That way, you are not beholden to him to honor your rights. YOU do it.

A great book to read before you talk again is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend:
Establishing and understanding boundaries are crucial to the success of a marriage, according to authors Cloud and Townsend, who cowrote the award-winning and biblically-based book Boundaries. For example, boundaries help us understand where one person ends and the other begins, the authors claim: "Once we know the boundaries, we know who should be owning the problem we are wrestling with," they write. "This issue of ownership is vital to any relationship, especially marriage." But more significantly, couples need to claim and take responsibility for the "treasures that lie within their individual borders," such as: "feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, desires, thoughts, values, talents, and love." Based on the book that elevated them to national prominence, Cloud and Townsend caution readers not to use this self-help manifesto as a means to change one's spouse. Rather, this is a book about taking responsibility for oneself in all aspects of life, but especially within the boundaries of marital commitment.
Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310243144: Amazon.com: Books


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Thank you for your reply I've got home tonight I'm trying to be nice and he's very short answered and snappy.
Maybe tonight isn't the best night to talk 
I'm fed up 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can always just move out (or move him out) and tell him if he wants to stay together, he can earn his way back.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

I kissed him on the lips before I went to sleep.
He didn't cuddle up to me or anything and big gap between us all night in the bed.
I hate guessing how he feels it hurts.
I guess the reason I won't tell him to get out is because he has no money nowhere to go, no family. I work full time and pay all the bills he'd never cope alone.

We only rent our home and have no children so lucky in that way.

I guess I think if I told him to go he'd never come back 
What does that tell me hey 
Feel so stupid like I'm trying to hang on to someone who doesn't want me anymore.
He text me yesterday saying he loved me???
I asked him if he was going to work today (he works part time sefl employed) he snapped at me saying 'why are you asking me if I'm going to work, you never ask me if I'm going to work'

I was just trying to make conversation... break the ice....

I feel like sayign things to him and I freeze, the lump comes in my throat, my stomach ties in knots and I chicken out...

I have so many nice memories holidays funt imes etc.. I feel this is the only reason I am holding on soemtimes wanting what he was years ago and hoping to get that fun loving guy back 

What if he wants to leave me and won't say.
He's either shouting and ranting never holding his opinions in or silent....
He talks to me when other people are about as if I'm a friend... talks in conversation etc.??? very odd

I'm fed up tryign to read this man


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

no texts off him today


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sljl060908 said:


> I guess I think if I told him to go he'd never come back


Is that all you're worth?

Keeping your mouth shut, doing what you're told, ensuring you don't piss him off, not even dreaming of getting what YOU want...just so he won't leave?

Are you that desperate to have a man in the house that you turn into a slave?

Please read Why Does He Do That.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Excerpts from the book:

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me-he just loses control.”
“He can be sweet and gentle.”
“He’s scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children – he’s a great father.”
“He’s had a really hard life…”
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day.

The Power of those wonderful early months. Like any love-struck person, she runs around telling her friends and family what a terrific guy he is. After talking him up so much, she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins, so she keeps it to herself for a long time.

Occasionally an abused woman may decide to touch her partner off herself [make him angry] at this point, as scary as that is, because the fear of waiting to see what he will do and when he will do it is worse.

Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple ‘abuse each other’ and that the relationship has been ‘mutually hurtful’.

Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse or intimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work, and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partner starts to recognize that she’s being abused, and the man may feel too guilty about his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently to manipulating his partner to get what he wants. He may also sometimes use these tactics just to get her upset or confused. Your partner’s abusive incidents may follow no pattern, so you can never guess what will happen next…Random abuse can be particularly deleterious psychologically to you and to your children.

Life with an abuser can be a dizzying wave of exciting good times and painful periods of verbal, physical, or sexual assault. The longer the relationships lasts, the short and farther apart the positive periods tend to become.

He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior. Suppose you complain about being silenced by his constant interruptions. He then gets a huffy, hostile tone in his voice as if your objection were unfair to 

_him _and says sarcastically, “All right, I’ll just listen and _you _talk,” and acts as if you are oppressing him by calling him on his behavior.


He says such things as: “You’re too sensitive; every little thing bothers you.”

He becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in sex with him, he says, “you must be getting it somewhere else.​ 
With an abuser, no way to bring up a complaint is the right way. You can wait until the calmest, most relaxed evening, prepare your partner with plenty of verbal stroking, express your grievance in mild language, but he still won’t be willing to take it in.

He takes advantage of you financially, interferes with your job or your school, causes damage to your relationships, tells you that you are incompetent at something you enjoy.

He says he’ll stop some form of abuse if you give up something that bothers _him, _which is usually something you have every right to do.

Your happiness in a relationship depends greatly on your ability to get your needs heard and taken seriously. If these decisions are taken over by an abusive or controlling partner, you experience disappointment after disappointment, the constant sacrificing of your needs. He, on the other hand, enjoys the luxury of a relationship where he rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He shows off his generosity when the stakes are low, so that friends will see what a swell guy he is.

Most abusive men simply don’t _seem _like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him.​


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Wow turnera...so many things ring true in there... shocking really...thanks for that I do appreciate it 

I spoke with him last night I'd had enough of the silent treatment...
Turns out I've been witholding affection from him! As if..
I told him when you are angry and p***ed off I get frightened and I stay away from you because you say nasty things...

He says I over analyse things I'm too sensitive and I look at the internet too much and I need to live in 'the real world' 

he says he's not goin to work anymore.. he's being stubborn he's complained for weeks about not having a van so he can go do his gardeining jobs and now he's fixed it, he's not interested  
I said you need to work to help me with the bills etc...he said he doesn't 'need' to do anything

I pay for most things the rent, council tax, water, gas, electric, insurance etc...
he on the other hand sees no reason he has to work.
He is acting like a child.

I went out for drinks on saturday to let my hair down and he accused me of ignoring him when I got back.
I told him yes I have been upset for weeks through your anger and lack of affection he was obvisuly hinting I'd been with another man 

Trust me the way he neglects me and acts I shoudl have run off with another man along time ago but I'm not a cheater.

Anyway...
He says he'll live his life I'll live mine- no mention of breaking up.
He actually thinks I can live with him stay with him and just cut me off?
I told him it doesn't work like that. He always says this when we fight.
He is SO stubborn he won't go to marriage counselling.
He says he's just waiting to die...such a cheery bloke 

Hi dad was absuive to his mum whilst growing up. NO excuse tho is it...

Anyway I felt better expressing how I felt he did get a bit defensive and say some hurtful things but at least he knows how I feel now..I've had enough and I told him.

He did say he will never change I asked him if he always been this way and he said yes.

He always manges to turn it around on me, he is full of self pity....


I love him  one minute I'm strong and angry the next I'm sad and hurt. Why do I feel as if losignhim will ruin me completley?

You are right he can be the most nicest person ever kind etc... 
Outsiders his customers and friends think he's a great guy guess thats why I question myself if it's me???? thats why its confusing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you ready to kick him out yet?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read the book.

And start going to counseling so he/she can help you start respecting yourself.

And stop giving him ANY MONEY, for God's sake.


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## Bonnie (Nov 16, 2012)

sounds like my hubby when things arnt going his way in life.


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## Bonnie (Nov 16, 2012)

wow, if he is not paying bills, why are you with him still? Not saying lets be a gold digger, but your not financially stuck with him.


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

Leave his lazy ass period! If he doesn't want to put the work into the relationship then he just needs to go. Get someone who will treat you with respect and not just use you for your money. Just saying. You will do what you want to anyhow, we always do.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Am I wasting my time?


No, you're wasting YOUR LIFE!!!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

he said he will never change. that says it all.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

No more arguments have happened but he just isn't showing me any affection...
He seems a million miles away 
I want to end it but he has nowhere to go no family to help him and no money.
What do I do?

I know he has compensation coming to him next year so he would have money to move on middle of the year. We rent our home and we are both on the agreement.

I know I need to cut the ties even tho I love him deeply but this isn't goin to work any more 
I dont hate him that much to make him homeless


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

When he has finally has money to find somewhere else to go live, will you then come up with some other excuse not to split with him? Ask yourself - honestly.

Meantime, don't let his silent treatment games suck you in. You can choose to respond to it in a different way and I think you might find the link below useful.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Advocado said:


> When he has finally has money to find somewhere else to go live, will you then come up with some other excuse not to split with him? Ask yourself - honestly.
> 
> Meantime, don't let his silent treatment games suck you in. You can choose to respond to it in a different way and I think you might find the link below useful.


He's been sulking in bed all day he has no work at the minute he is a self employed gardener.
His work brings in about £60 per week whilst I earn £1250 per month. He has slept all day and night I think he might be depressed again. He has no et up and go and just full of self pity what do I do with him?! He feels guilty we are struggling for money and upset that he may not have enough money to buy me an Xmas present.
I don't care about presents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you do with him?

You grow a spine and IGNORE HIM.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Advice taken turnera x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He could be washing people's cars. He could be walking dogs or pet sitting. He could be raking leaves. He could be working at the local corner store. He could be selling brushes from door to door. He could be doing any number of things to provide for his family, but he chooses not to, because he knows YOU will do it. Shameful.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

You are totally wasting your time. Get out when you can, I wasted 21 years like that. I know how you feel as it almost turned me into alcoholic to kill that pain and loneliness. It's impossible almost to stay sane when living with someone who you love but can't get any affection from. The biggest success I achieved was putting him on Prozac which would stop swearing and screaming at the kids but it didn't change anything in the love department.

He would never go to counseling - only promise so. He would say i'm the problem as I talk too much - was told half an hour per day should be enough. I became bitter, tough, *****y and shut down all the feelings. For the last few years I couldn't even shed a tear.

You said you almost kissed a guy - that shows you how much you crave intimacy. At least you still feel it and you should have it. You can have sooo much happiness in front of you instead of pain.

I waited too long - now our financial situation + 3 kids makes it impossible to leave or divorce. I've built my own cage. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone who showed me all the warmth, intimacy and make me feel like a woman again. It's tough being stuck in the same house with my husband (separate bedrooms) but I wake up with a smile every day and butterflies in my stomach. Look for your butterflies


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

pandorabox said:


> You are totally wasting your time. Get out when you can, I wasted 21 years like that. I know how you feel as it almost turned me into alcoholic to kill that pain and loneliness. It's impossible almost to stay sane when living with someone who you love but can't get any affection from. The biggest success I achieved was putting him on Prozac which would stop swearing and screaming at the kids but it didn't change anything in the love department.
> 
> He would never go to counseling - only promise so. He would say i'm the problem as I talk too much - was told half an hour per day should be enough. I became bitter, tough, *****y and shut down all the feelings. For the last few years I couldn't even shed a tear.
> 
> ...


Pandora thanks for your reply. 
It is horrible to feel lonely and unloved. I'm sorry for the situation you are in.
Yes I want the love, the affection the butterflies but I can't help thinking if I met someone else then it would be good in the beginning then turn out bad. When I met my husband the First few years he was everything I could have wanted and more. How would I know I wasnt picking another guy like this as my hsuan showed no signs at all.
He suffers with depression I think , he's actually asleep on the sofa right now 12.40pm in the day he's been moaning about how bored he is, how crap his life is etc.
True we have no money to go out and do things with Christmas coming and him not earning any money!
He does make me feel like I should be punished for him being bored. I suggest things like, let's go out for a walk, go to the movies, for a meal he says theyre all boring. Not sure what to suggest bungee jumping or skydiving maybe?!!!!! 
Im having to learn to not let his emotions affect me as they drag me down.

He did say when we chatted the other day that he knows he's a miserable so and so but I should not let it bother me and that I am his world?!!! Xx he makes me feel like I am over sensitive. I guess he just drains me with his CONSTANT negativity 
This is crap that is crap... It's draining!
He has no money to go anywhere and I feel a break up would be less than amicable. I've threatened to go before but a I've never carried it through I look like I'm full of rubbish.

When he gets his money next year I will be more comfortable if I want to to throw him out knowing I won't feel guilt for making him homeless.
Xxx although I know we can never work I do still care about him
Who knows I might reach the end of my tether before then.. Why do u let him be this way?
I try to make him see how lucky he is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He will never stop Using people and Guilting people. That's what he is. That's what he does. NOTHING YOU DO will ever make him a better husband. NOTHING YOU DO will ever make him blame you less.

What you REALLY need to be doing is going to a therapist to learn how to love yourself. if you did love yourself, you wouldn't NEED his approval and you wouldn't CARE if he blamed you.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

He may be suffering from depression. Some people show depression like your husband - mine was constantly like dog with rabies. I forced him to get Prozac and at least the anger is gone. If that's the case make him see the doctor and get anti depression drugs - who knows - it may be solution to all your problems - he may start seeing everything different and even want to find a job. If that's not the case then we back to what I already told you - get out. It will drag you down, it will make you miserable and bitter and with time it will be very difficult for you to find someone as you will loose the trust in men to open up but on other hand you will fall for the first guy who shows you real affection. It's a really dangerous area you going towards. You have to think about yourself. The only reason I stayed with my husband was same as you. I didn't want to see him homeless. We care even when they don't.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

He just had a go at me e says the kitchen is always dirty.. Sometime is leave the dishes yes I've had a long day at work I come home and cook.
He's now ignoring me I want to tell him to go I've had enough just cares of what my life will be then, will I cope with divorce? Xxx
Will he just go quietly? Xxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you both work he should be doing HALF OF THE WORK AT HOME.

Is he? Then he has a valid gripe.

If he isn't, tell him that until he does HALF THE WORK, you are not concerned with what he thinks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So, he sits home not working and *****es at YOU about the state of the kitchen?? Wow, just....wow.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Yes, you are wasting your time. He is treating you very poorly. 
(you already know that ) 

Tunera has given you some excellent insight and advice. 

You are working harder for his well being than he is. He is an adult so treat him like one and expect him to act like it and call him on it when he isn't. 

His job as your husband is to help solve problems not create them.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

I'm at my wits end it's just a case of what to do next and how to go about it... Thanks for all your support.
He has spoke about suicide when he's angry how he wanted to die sometimes as his life is so bad ... Not really quite sure why it was bad...
I know I'm a kind caring loving reasonable wife and I told him I deserve to be spoken to with respect. X
I don't knew how he'd cope alone- why the f*** do I care about his needs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I would recommend phoning the police the next time he is talking about killing himself. Or phone the non emergency line and ask them what you should do next time he expresses an interest in suicide. 

Imagine a scenario when you come home and he has. You are questioned and tell the authorities that yes he had said he was going to. Their next question - Why did you not call us when he threatened to do that? - " I didn't think he was serious" - Their next question - How long had he be saying this? - "For a couple of weeks, I think, I'm not sure" ...... See how this looks? 

He may be genuinely considering pursing this act. As you are not a professional qualified to make the diagnosis I suggest you get him to someone who is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep. Him talking about suicide is because he knows you care, and therefore figures you won't LEAVE him if he threatens to hurt himself. He has no intention of hurting himself. IF you call 911 when he threatens it, then he has the embarrassment of dealing with them when they come in and ask him about how he plans to do it. He'll learn soon enough to stop.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

When my husband complained about something dirty I would shrug and usually just say " you don't like it - clean it or don't look at it"

Anyway - you swear in some of your posts which is a good sign - you are getting angry and your what I call "inner bit%h" is coming to surface.
You will be fine with the divorce - it always scared me like hell - such a big decision - will I cope with mortgage and 3 teenagers to feed? That's probably why my marriage dragged for so long.

I calculated all my finances and income few days ago and it wasn't that bad - even with all the debts I have. That cheered me up and gave me more power.

I informed my husband next evening that we getting the divorce and it felt great to get it out. I actually felt and still do like on the top of the world. I was proud of myself that I bought myself new car as the present


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> I would recommend phoning the police the next time he is talking about killing himself. Or phone the non emergency line and ask them what you should do next time he expresses an interest in suicide.
> 
> Imagine a scenario when you come home and he has. You are questioned and tell the authorities that yes he had said he was going to. Their next question - Why did you not call us when he threatened to do that? - " I didn't think he was serious" - Their next question - How long had he be saying this? - "For a couple of weeks, I think, I'm not sure" ...... See how this looks?
> 
> He may be genuinely considering pursing this act. As you are not a professional qualified to make the diagnosis I suggest you get him to someone who is.


:iagree: sound advice indeed. And if he is genuine these people are the ones to advise him on getting help. It's up to him whether or not he accepts help from them. Just like it's up to you if you allow someone else to drown you with their negativity. You know you deserve happiness so please do something about it.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Thanks for your replies Everyone. Right now I feel so low an one my. He is still ignoring me I have tried to start a conversation or at least said hi.
He just ignores me, how can this man who is loving and says he love me sometimes change? 
Today I have felt so anxious upset and confused. 
Any advice for first words to discuss this behaviour with him? I can't live like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Turnera I'm ready to kick him out... Just how to do it xxxx
I deserve love and happiness I've had enough!!! I love him and I'm holding on but he is making me ill 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I told mine he needs to be on his own for a while so he doesn't have anyone to blame for everything and will have a chance to grow up. Told him it will be good for him and I need to be alone too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sljl060908 said:


> He is still ignoring me I have tried to start a conversation or at least said hi. He just ignores me, how can this man who is loving and says he love me sometimes change?


Because he's abusive and he Uses you and he controls you through your emotions. Why should he stop ignoring you, when it works so well to unnerve you and get you back to groveling and begging him to stop being mad at you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How to do it? Just go pack his stuff, place it all outside, and next time he comes home, tell him you're filing for a separation.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

I think that will be it for us as he'll feel angry that I've abandoned him but I can't go another day of his silence.
Right before Christmas too  he knows I'm a soft touch and that I wouldn't see him homeless so maybe if I go...
I don't mind going I Can stay at family's houses until is ave enough to rent a new place... He can continue renting here as an estate agent wouldn't rent him anywhere as he doesn't work.
Now... To tell him .... Not sure how he will react .. My suspicion is he will be 'all cool' with it then start hurtling accusations like I'm seeing someone else, I've been planning this for ages etc.....
There's no reasoning with him... 
Wish me luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Believe in yourself. Think positive - believe you can get through this AND YOU WILL.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you have packed everything and moved it BEFORE you tell him, ok? Please?


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't say a word. Go pack and leave. Don't look back EVER. If he will not get help this will never get better. You are his wife, you are there as a partner, not a verbal punching bag and a care taker.


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