# My "hasbian" wife. Is she cheating? How to handle situation?



## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

First some backstory about my marriage:
I have been married for about 2 weeks to a woman who I have known for 20 years and lived together with for 8 years as a couple. We are in our early 30s and have no kids. I earn a very comfortable living, and she has a lot of debt. She was with me before I had money, and now she makes decent money as an RN. She is gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and she makes our house into a home Martha Stewart would be proud of, complete with regular cooking wizardry.

Now, before my wife was my wife, in high school she was one of the most sexually promiscuous people I knew, and slept with a lot of guys. We had an awkward one-night stand towards the end of this time. After that she was a lesbian for a while. The tattooed, gothic, leather corset to the bar, group sex having type. She came out of the closet to her family around the age of 19 and became “my gay friend” for a long time. She exclusively dated women for about 5 or 6 years. Then at 24 she dated a guy briefly and when they broke up we started dating. She says she now identifies as bi. When we first started dating, our sex life was extremely awkward. She was only interested in receiving oral sex. Nothing I did for the first 6 years of our relationship would outwardly arouse her. She had no visible interest in pleasuring me. She didn’t respond to my touch, and intercourse was always something I looked for, and was to be over as soon as possible. I am a fairly attractive and attentive lover, and for the first time in my life I was completely sexually powerless. Every time I tried to discuss it with her every 6 months or so when I couldn’t take it any longer, she would give me a different excuse as to the cause. She became very buttoned up and non sexual, even when drinking, and around friends of ours that are polyamorous. Possessive and hyper monogamous. I don’t want you, but no one else can have you. A complete 180. No sexual tension from her, complete roommate syndrome.

Her intimacy issues extended into the emotional realm also. This was the first girl I’d been with that couldn’t look deeply into my eyes, have meaningful conversations with, and absolutely refused to discuss her feelings for me or our relationship without bursting into tears and just sitting in awkward silence until I just got frustrated and would leave the room eventually. When asked directly how she felt about me or why she wanted to get married, all she was capable of saying was “I love you.” And she says those 3 words to me all the time. Her family doesn’t really communicate with each other either, so it could be some deep seated issues. She has alluded to having sex for the first time “against her will” as a teenager, but doesn’t claim to have been raped.

About 5 years into our relationship I proposed, as I realized I was deeply in love and despite our problems every other part of our relationship was amazing. Then my little brother took his own life which derailed the entire marriage idea for a time. It also sent me into a spiral of depression from which I have recovered. With her emotional issues, she was not an effective support system, but I managed to work through things mostly on my own and still struggle occasionally.

One night I overheard her talking to her friends in a condescending manner about how disgusting I was and how annoying it was to have me bothering her for sex and intimacy. Hearing her talk about me this way to our friends tore me apart. I wrote her a letter and told her I heard everything she had said and that I was about done with the situation and left for the weekend. When I came home she cried heavily, jumped on me and had passionate sex with me, told me she was sorry and pleaded with me to stay, and never provided an explanation as to her rant when asked where all the nasty things she had said had come from. No long term change in her behavior towards me.

About 7 years into our relationship it finally happened. An acquaintance of ours and I got very drunk at our home late one night and she threw herself at me. I had forgotten how it felt to be wanted, to feel that animal feeling that nothing in the world exists to a woman except your body. To have someone look at you like they want to devour you. I completely gave in. My girlfriend came home from work early and found us on the bathroom floor mostly naked. We hadn’t proceeded to do anything more serious than heavy petting, stripping, and making out yet, but honestly without the interruption it would have quickly progressed to intense, kinky monkey sex for hours. She yelled at me then stormed out. I stayed in a hotel for a week and told her when she was ready to talk, that I would be there. She invited me home, and we slowly worked it out. I mostly fell on the sword, but tried the whole time to express that the roots of why it happened were in the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I have harbored feelings of deep guilt ever since. Even this shock to our relationship didn’t change her behavior towards me.

Around this time she started working at a new job with a large changing group of people. She works third shift and is home alone all day while I am at work. She contracted bacterial vaginosis after working at her new job for 6 months. From what I have read, this can be caused by having a new sexual partner, and is more prevalent in women who sleep with other women. When I finally asked her to get checked out, she never once implied that the infection had come from me, which I thought strange, and acted like it was no big deal. Once she took medication, she acted like it never happened. It went away, and then came back twice after several months apart. One day around this time she mentioned talking to one of her female co-workers “J” (whose name had been coming up frequently) my wife telling stories about one of her full blown threesomes with a man and a woman in detail. It hurt me to hear someone so asexual to me for so long talk to strangers about something so sexual with strangers. The first question I asked was “is she hot?” and caught off guard she blurted out “well, yea!” The next time I heard about this girl, I overheard my wife telling a friend that when “J” was at a strip club, she told my wife she was “was thinking of her”. The only thing i really know about "J" is she recently married a guy and they are trying to have a baby together. They work third shift together and sometimes I see her texting back and forth with this girl late at night. They seemed awfully close for two people who have never hung out outside of work.

About a year ago, out of the blue my wife started getting very sexually responsive to me, emotionally present, and exactly what I had been missing. She had a voracious sexual appetite and started responding to me the way every girl I have ever been intimate with had my whole life. I could feel the love radiating back from her that I had been sending out for so long. Then right before our wedding, “J” posted a gift to our registry with a message including, “love you, gorgeous”. Then she bought some sexy lingerie for her (which none of her closest friends did) as a bridal shower present. She reluctantly told me where it came from when I asked. There were some suspect text messages about her boobs barely fitting into it, and the wife saying how I would like to see that, followed by “J” saying “I wouldn’t mind seeing that!” I have seen other texts about how they leave little love notes, and presents for each other at work. After the wedding there were some texts about how “J” loved her and missed her already. I have never exchanged I love you’s with a co-worker. I also realized that my wife constantly deletes texts from this girl, and no one else which is the main reason for my worry.

I’ve never met this girl at length, but seen her in passing she is younger than us, and very attractive, and fits the type that my wife would have dated. I approached the topic for the first time before we left for our honeymoon. I calmly told my wife that I wasn’t comfortable with her co-worker buying her lingerie and being so flirtatious and that I found their relationship borderline inappropriate. I asked if there was any discussion of “J” wanting to see her in the lingerie, and she lied and said no. She laughed it off and told me not to worry. We spent our honeymoon week in perfect bliss. The first thing she does when we get home is make a lunch date to hang out outside of work with the girl I just told her I wasn’t comfortable with. I explained to her again how I felt and she again just tried to laugh about it. I asked her how she would feel if I was in a flirtatious relationship with a hot girl at work, who bought me sexy undergarments and texted me late at night, and threw around I love you’s. She said that would be completely different. I explained to her that the thought of her being with a female doesn’t bother me, and is actually kind of arousing. I told her that what would bother me would be her keeping it from me, and to never be afraid to tell me if she had an attraction to someone else, and that I am not one to be physically possessive of my partner. Again she just changed the subject basically. In her words, if she was ever thinking about doing something like that, she would invite me… but “don’t hold your breath”. She ended by saying that she needs to make new friends, and that I have nothing to worry about. She wore sexy underwear to her lunch date, came back tasting like mint after leaving a pizza place, and had deleted all the texts from “J” again.

My heart is telling me to trust my new wife, but my brain is telling me something deeper has been going on here. To further confuse matters, I have been with 2 women simultaneously several times in the past, and it has been extremely hot. From day one she has violently opposed the idea of an open relationship, or having anyone else touch either one of us (despite her past), and I have let her know that I am more flexible in regards to monogamy. I guess I am looking for advice. I feel closer to her than ever before, but is she cheating on me? Is this new found energy coming from outside? Does anyone have any advice on good programs to intercept text messages? Or any suggestions for a hidden camera to see what is going at my house while I am at work every day? I am about to go out of town for business for a week and she seems very interested in the particulars of time frame. How should I handle her disregard of me trying to establish a boundary, without sounding like I am trying to prevent her from hanging out with people? I don’t like feeling this way, but am at a loss for what to do.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You made some really bad choices.
You have to learn how to stop doing that.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Might I suggest that you take practically each sentence that you wrote about your sexual history and present existence with your wife and make it a question. The question is this:

Does it make sense to try to be in a marriage with someone who (insert sentence).

ie) Does it make sense to try to be in a marriage with a woman who finds me disgusting?

Does it make sense to try to be in a hetero marriage with a woman who is sexually attracted to women? 

I think you will see that the answer is, NO. You all made the dreaded mistake of thinking that a wonderful friendship between two people could turn into a wonderful marriage just because the friendship was so good. It happens. No condemnation there.

You all should end your marriage NOW, while you can do so amicably. If you wait longer, she is going to do something to hurt your soul and then it will be war. It is hard to "uncouple" but for the sake of your friendship and emotional well being, you really need to do that. It is hard now, but it is better to say that you tried and realized that for the sake of your relationship you needed to end things. On the other hand, you can continue and lose your marriage, respect, self respect, and relationship. UNCOUPLE. I use that phrase because Divorce brings an air of adversity and acrimony to it.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

> One night I overheard her talking to her friends in a condescending manner about how disgusting I was and how annoying it was to have me bothering her for sex and intimacy.


Um, what? 

That would have been it for me right there. Why are you putting up with this?

Ever heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy? Don't sink more of your life into this sick relationship. Move on, young man.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is a "hasbian?"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I read till I caught this:

"the roots of why [I cheated] were in the lack of intimacy in our relationship."

I call bullsh!t. You cheated because you're selfish. If things were that bad, you should have divorced first.

I have no idea why you are married to this woman. END it already. Quit putting yourself through this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to get her texts, what kind of phone does she have and what access to it do you have?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Is your wife cheating? Given your prior cheating, your liberal attitude about her with other women, and her bi-sexual nature; I'd put my money on it. But if she's not cheating now, odds are she will.

What you should do is write down a pro's and con's list about the future of your relationship. My guess, just based on what you already detailed, is that the cons list would out number the pros list substantially; and it would have been much the same if you had done that prior to marrying her. I'm scratching my head on why you did.

I don't think all those cons bode well for a sustained, happy relationship with her. I'm sorry, but to me it's just a disaster in waiting.


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

@jellybeans - "hasbian" is just a silly portmanteau of "has been" and "lesbian" that i saw in a magazine somewhere.

@Hope1964 - The incident of my infidelity predated our marriage by years. Maybe i should have left, but i couldnt bring myself to at the time. I was about to call it quits when i wrote her that letter, but she told me she would work on her issues. What happened was selfish, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but to rule out or not discuss with her the factors that led to my decision to accept another woman's advances wouldn't be fair to me or my now-wife. I included it as backstory for full disclosure, and do not want to make it the focus of this dicussion.

@chapparal - Samsung Intercept - I have physical access to the phone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you do some reading around here, you'll find that anyone who tries to blame their choice to cheat on their SO gets treated pretty roughly. Whatever state your relationship was in is a completely and totally separate issue from your choice to cheat (OR hers). You need to separate the two, because only then can you work on either one.

Others can advise you on how to recover deleted texts, but frankly I think it's a waste of time. Your wife's ACTIONS are what counts. Not her words. Words mean nothing whatsoever if they aren't followed up with meaningful actions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can say is that both of you made bad decisions as far as getting married. If your wife is chewing on you, it's just one more thing to get shoveled under the rug. Gotta be getting crowded under there by now, though...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

After re-reading, i realized that most of my post was historical and wasnt about how things are right now.

By way of looking at the glass half full side, one of our closer friends and i had long talk right before the wedding about her dramatic improvement. He thinks that plagued with low self esteem and harboring a couple of serious broken hearts in the past, she felt worthless and harbored a deep seated fear of REAL commitment that was paralyzing her. The infidelity bit acted as an unfortunate wake up call which forced her to face the fact that she really could lose me.

Since we set a date for the wedding (over a year now), its not just her body that has seemed to awaken, but her heart has thawed also. We stay up late talking about things, stare into each other's eyes, and its like every other relationship from my past. It FEELS like she is falling in love with me for the first time. She is an active participant and not just voting "present" in the relationship. Its almost like when she realized that i wasn't going anywhere and that i was going to commit to her for life that she started coming out of her shell. I also realize that the glass half empty side is just as likely as what i am talking about in this post. Its hard because i am truly happy right now. Im just concerned about the future because of the past, and what may be harmless girl pal-ing or could be something more serious.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

You're a nice guy. Go read No More Mr Nice Guy. 

You have a white knight thing going on. Getting involved with a woman most people would "next" by the 2nd date. Nice guys are attracted to broken women, and man is she broke. 

She's having an emotional affair. As another poster said, watch her actions not her words. She has all the classic signs. 

Pm weightlifter for all the 007 stuff. 

Most of all, fix yourself. Get right with your purpose. Stop putting her on a pedestal and you may realize, you don't need her.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Bathroom floor? The whole place to yourself and you choose the bathroom floor? Gross.


Zippity doo dah, Zippity ayy. My oh my what a wonderful day.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ok. So if you find out that she is having sex with this other woman, what do you want to do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I really doubt your relationship was "fixed" by you cheating on her. Call my cynical, but I'll stick with my answer. Who knows... Maybe she figures she can do whatever she likes now because she's got a "get out of jail free" card to throw in your face if she gets caught. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You really have no kind of a positive marriage. 

Time to end it. Divorce, move on.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Ok. So if you find out that she is having sex with this other woman, what do you want to do?


Eh jump in?
Sorry.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NewWed13 said:


> @jellybeans - "hasbian" is just a silly portmanteau of "has been" and "lesbian" that i saw in a magazine somewhere..


Thanks for 'splaining.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

NewWed13 said:


> She ended by saying that she needs to make new friends, and that *I have nothing to worry about.*


In my experience this is code for: “I have no plans to leave you.”



NewWed13 said:


> About a year ago, out of the blue my wife started getting very sexually responsive to me, emotionally present, and exactly what I had been missing. She had a voracious sexual appetite and started responding to me the way every girl I have ever been intimate with had my whole life. I could feel the love radiating back from her that I had been sending out for so long.


The other woman “J” seems to have gotten your wife’s juices flowing. It could be innocent. 1. “J” has a good relationship with her husband and “J” made your wife realizes how she’s shortchanging you. 2. The sexy stories “J” tells got your wife‘s motor going. Or not so innocent in that she’s having an affair with “J” and maybe even “J” husband.



NewWed13 said:


> Does anyone have any advice on good programs to intercept text messages? Or any suggestions for a hidden camera to see what is going at my house while I am at work every day? I am about to go out of town for business for a week and she seems very interested in the particulars of time frame.


Search for a poster called “weightlifter,” he’s somewhat of an expert. Be sure to set something up before you go away for the week. You could lie and say that you have to stay a few days longer and then sneak back unexpectally.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

When you rescue a damsel in distress, you're left with a distressed damsel. I really hope you weren't trying to fix the gay part of her...will never work!


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Sorry man, never would I get with a "hasbian" and one with a prosmiscous history at that. You not only have to worry about her being faithful, you have to worry about her possibly going for not only men but women too. You're going to be gone for a week and she's interested in the time frame? Yeah she's planning something. 

If there's one thing I've learned here on TAM it's that marriage DOES NOT matter to a cheater.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

With so many problems i wonder why you two got married at the first place. If i heard my spouse-to-be called me disgusting i'd call off the wedding faster than he can say sorry


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't think you are as open to alternative relationships as you "think" you are.

Monogomay is important to you. It's dripping with emotion from your original post. What you like is the IDEA of 3 somes. Not the practicality of another person getting it on with your wife.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Bathroom floor? The whole place to yourself and you choose the bathroom floor? Gross.
> 
> 
> Zippity doo dah, Zippity ayy. My oh my what a wonderful day.


HA HA HA HA.

I missed that.:rofl:


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

To alot of people concerned about her past, it is her past for a reason, and mine wasnt any better lol. I dont judge. People change alot in 20 years.

And on a sidenote - i believe sexual preference is fluid and cannot be "fixed".

@PhillyGuy13 - alcohol. lots of alcohol. lol

@Hope1964 - That is the main question i need to sort out because its a mixed bag. For me, cheating is the betrayal or dishonesty, not the physical act. I could handle being in an open marriage, or one where we experienced new partners together. If i found that she had been lying and doing things behind my back in spite of my continuous communication that she doesnt have to hide things like that, I would probably have to walk away. If shes not doing anything with "J" (or anyone else for that matter), but its something she is curious about pursuing, i would non-judgementally discuss everything with her and see if its something that would work for us. Its really hard to say if i encountered real evidence exactly how i would react i guess.

@tom67 - lol... that is definitely on the list of possibilities.

@PBear - I never implied cheating fixed anything. If anything it was a catalyst that started some changes in her behavior towards me. It was around the time we actually decided to get married again that things started to get "fixed". And believe me, the get out of jail free card thing has definitely crossed my mind.

@jellybeans - no problem 

@graywolf2 - thank you for the input. I didnt even consider option 1 you suggested. Option 2 is something i had considered, and i dont care if she gets sexual energy from things like that as long as she brings it home to me. If "Mr J" is involved behind my back, as mentioned in option 3, that would be an immediate game over.

@sinnister - i have been in several open relationships, been in 5 or 6 threesomes, and i am friends with several poly couples. I just think that you need to have that concrete connection with someone before you can explore things like that, and we were lacking that for a long time. Ideally i do want to be in an active deep monogamous relationship, but if my partner wants to explore, and they take me with them, i have no issues. They just need to be honest about everything.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What's a little bacteria between friends.

Next time, choose better. Maybe read up on MMSLP.


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

@ Q tip - Another variable in the situation. Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) is not classified as an STD. It is simply an imbalance in the amount of good vs bad bacteria in the vagina, can be caused by just about anything (soap, stress, the wind blowing a new direction), and can come back several times before complete recovery. The part that has me worried are the notes on webmd about how you are more likely to get it if you take a new partner and it is more prevalent in women to women partners. It could have been completely unrelated, but with the flirtatious co-worker, the timing is very questionable.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

you seem to forget, if she is having sex with J, then she is having sex with the 3some partner J had, and any others J and her husband have.
So you are playing with your life !!!
Now if you have so little regard for your own life, why should we ?


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Okay, I honestly have absolutely no idea what your point was with your posts. Are you saying that the history you gave is not important to the present? How is that even possible? Are we talking about 30 years ago or something? That was rhetorical. Now you hold each other and look into each other's eyes.

Seriously, please state what your issue is. As I see it, your wife is a lesbian or bisexual with a preference for the ladies but a willingness to do men, including you, unless you disgust her at the moment. You love her and she seems to be falling back in love with you, maybe. Of course you are open to her having other sexual partners as long as you know about it, except for the one that you know about or maybe don't.

This is too messed up.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

Voice activated recorder in her car and in the house where she would talk on the phone. Spy cameras by the doors. All will be revealed very quickly.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, particularly if she is using her phone to talk to her girl friend, put a var in her car. If she is alone at home or talks where you can't hear her, put a var in the house too. If something is going on they have to be doing it somewhere. I doubt they are going to a motel. You might want to gps her car too.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

.... Or don't marry a lesbian who is disgusted by the mere thought of being with you.

But maybe I'm old fashioned that way.

You guys serious? VARS? GPS? 

He already knows she's a lesbian. What more does he need to find out?

The correct answer is "just walk away, brah"

End of thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can't access my PC until AT&T fixes phone line. Google how to recover deleted texts on android phones. I did and it looked promising.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are in as relationship with a terribly, terribly broken person. And some of that broken-ness, you caused, to be fair.

What do you want to do?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

NewWed13 said:


> @ Q tip - Another variable in the situation. Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) is not classified as an STD. It is simply an imbalance in the amount of good vs bad bacteria in the vagina, can be caused by just about anything (soap, stress, the wind blowing a new direction), and can come back several times before complete recovery. The part that has me worried are the notes on webmd about how you are more likely to get it if you take a new partner and it is more prevalent in women to women partners. It could have been completely unrelated, but with the flirtatious co-worker, the timing is very questionable.


Well, it's an old wind blowing in the right direction. Again.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

NewWed13 said:


> To alot of people concerned about her past, it is her past for a reason, and mine wasnt any better lol. I dont judge. People change alot in 20 years.


The past is what makes us who we are in the present. The problem is the vast majority of people will accept the good and neutral aspects of their past while claiming "I'm not that person anymore" when it comes to negative past behaviors and situations they don't want to be associated with. Life and reality don't work that way no matter how badly people would like it to or try to convince themselves.


Anyway it sounds like you made a series of bad decisions one after the other.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

This is one of the wildest stories I've ever read. I don't think life with this woman will ever be anything resembling "normal." Either get out of line, or strap in for one hell of a roller coaster ride. A gentle spin on the merry-go-round isn't in your cards.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NewWed13 said:


> I have been with 2 women simultaneously several times in the past, and it has been extremely hot.
> but am at a loss for what to do.


Since you can't fix her, and you can't beat them. I mean what can I say Dawg.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear NewWed13,

My advice would be to start being honest with yourself as, unfortunately, your posts are replete with self-deception.

You say that your W was "lesbian for a while" and that you "believe sexual preference is fluid . . . ." In effect, you want to believe that a woman who clearly preferred the intimacy of women for almost all of her life now prefers you. Read up on sexual orientation and then reconsider your "belief."

You also gloss over the fact that, as between the two of you, you are the one who cheated (albeit, only once and rather lamely). Do not misconstrue or underestimate the affect this had on your W's perception of and feelings toward you. You want to believe that it did not undermine your relationship and perhaps that it was even beneficial (that it was a "wake up call" for her). Don't kid yourself -- when trust is damaged (destroyed?) by infidelity, the affect is never good. In all likelihood, your W harbors deep-seated, negative feelings toward you because of what you did.

You downplay the significance of your W's interactions with "J," including the "little love notes," exchanging of gifts (including intimate apparel), deleting of texts, etc. As everybody on this site knows -- and you must, too -- your W's behavior toward "J" strongly indicates that the two of them are in an emotional relationship and, given your W's sexual history and when this started (around the time that you cheated), likely a physical one as well.

Finally, you claim -- and desperately want to believe -- that you are happy with your W and marriage and that you "feel closer to her than ever before." But what you say in your posts indicates just the opposite -- you are miserable because your rational mind is telling you that your relationship with her is really messed up and that her behavior (and, to some extent, yours as well) is not that of a faithful, loving spouse.

People who have only been married a couple of weeks should not feel the way you do about your W. Admit this to yourself and everything else will start to fall into place. Either she is not the woman you should bet your future happiness on, or else there is something seriously wrong with you. Decide which of these is the cause of your discontent and react accordingly.

Here's my advice. Write down all the good and all the bad things about your relationship with your W, then write down your hopes for the future, then consider carefully whether a relationship such as yours and your W's is likely to develop into the kind of relationship you want to have with her ten, twenty-five or fifty years from now. I think what you will discover -- if you start being honest with yourself -- is that there is little chance of this happening.

If this is your conclusion, then you need to think about whether it wouldn't be better to end your marriage now, while you're both still young enough to find new and better partners. At the very least, in this case, demand that she end her relationship with "J", as it makes you very uncomfortable, and that she stop deleting her texts, so that you can be sure that she is not doing anything she shouldn't be doing (there are no secrets in a healthy marriage). If she won't do these things for you, then you can be pretty certain that your suspicions are well-founded and that your marriage is not going to stand the test of time.

On the other hand, if you conclude that you and your W have a solid enough relationship for you to believe that your future together appears bright -- honestly, based on what you've told us, I don't see how you could conclude this, but you know best -- then give things a rest for a while and see if her apparent newly found affection for you continues. Again, I don't see how you could conclude this but, in the end, it's for you to decide what you want out of your marriage and what your prepared to put up with.

As you get older, you will be surprised by how fast the years fly by and how much you regret not doing what you knew at the time you should have done but didn't because you opted to take the easy way out. Do the right thing now -- however hard it may be -- and avoid major regret in the future.


P.S.: At the very least, do not have children with your W until you are absolutely certain about her feelings toward you and her faithfulness. As hard as it would be to break up now, the emotional pain and financial cost of divorce once children enter the picture is significantly worse.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I suspect infidelity, at the least, emotional. I think you might want to consider getting a VAR and putting it somewhere you might hear your wife talking to J. I would also suggesting accessing her messages to see if your suspicions are correct. If she's cheating, would you leave? Are you interested in polyamory? Would you consider marriage counseling? Find out what's happening dispassionately. Figure out, from there, what you want to do.


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

I feel like in an effort to condense so much history I somehow miscommunicated things in my OP. I just started typing to try to tell our story, and I don't think I did a very good job in some ways. I know this isn't a typical marriage story. Please be patient with me, lol.

@OldWolf57 - J didn't tell the story about the threesome, that was my wife telling J a story about her past.

@bigfoot & Jasel & Changedbeliefs - My extra posts to clarify the past were for several different reasons. Reading my OP, it sounds like she comes across as a pretty wild partner. That behavior stopped way before we started dating. Back when she was a party girl, and we were just friends, I was the same kind of person. It was the late 90s. I experimented with drugs, piercings, tattoos, sex, fairly common adolescent behavior at the time (maybe we were a little on the wilder side than most). Our life now is very typical adult behavior. I work in a stuffy office job, live in the suburbs, golf etc. She reads lots of books, spends most of her time on things like gardening and home deco and making our house a home, and likes to go get ice cream on a weekend night or just snuggle.

@ThePhoenix - lol, a silver lining perhaps?

@CarmenOhio - Thank you for the feedback. Let me clarify. I never said she was a lesbian for most of her life. She dated plenty of guys, then got engaged to a guy her senior year of high school who broke her heart. I was out of a bad relationship too and we rebounded off each other and slept together. After that she dated a series of girls for about 5 years. She told everyone she was a lesbian during this period of time. She claims that she never stopped being attracted to men, but didn't want to claim bi because she would get approached by couples that were looking for a "third" or obnoxious guys trying to get their gf's into a 3way. Then she dated a guy for about a year and when they broke up we started talking and things went from there. I will admit that for a long time I thought she might be trying to closet herself with me, and date a guy for "normalcy and security" due to the nature of our distant physical relationship, but looking back at everything she really has always had a bisexuality to her.

I was not my intention to gloss over the incident of my indiscretion. I came right out and said exactly what happened. Part of me is aware (and concerned) that she may want to get back at me for what happened. The logic that makes me hope that isn't the case is that she asked me to come back, agreed to work things out, started finally being responsive when we discussed our intimacy and communication going forward from that point (after a year or so of healing had passed), then wanting to proceed with our original plan to get married, (another year) and our current state of harmony. She could have just walked away when I screwed up.

I wasn't trying to downplay the significance of her and her co-workers behavior. It is the reason why I came to this website. I am confused and worried and was looking to lay out my thoughts and situation so I could talk to people about it. I'm well aware of what could be going on. Whether harmless friendship, mild flirtation, or full blown infidelity, I just want to know the truth.

I am concerned that if I confront her and make demands that it will "blow my cover" if she is hiding something, and would make it much harder to find the truth. I have read several times in this forum that it is best to have evidence before confrontation.

Another thought I keep having is that I may be manifesting my guilt, her past distance, and her past sexuality, and over-reacting to what might just be a friendship with an overly friendly girl. Or the girl is interested in my wife, but my wife might not necessarily have to be reciprocating that feeling. She really does need more friends.

@moxy - I think if she was cheating, when I have expressed my open door policy, flexibility, and willingness to communicate, that the only reason she would be doing it would be to hurt me intentionally. If I found that to be the case, I would end it immediately.

Polyamory is something I am open to and we have discussed it many times. She has always expressed that she is absolutely not interested in it during our discussions. I think that and marriage counseling both require a level of communication that she might be getting close to capable of, which is an improvement. I think finding out dispassionately is probably the best way to go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Here's what I think, your chick has a switch. She learned how to use this switch when she was a teen.
This switch I speak of can make a permiscous teen a good daughter.

This switch I speak of can makes a party girl get a RN.

This switch I speak of can make a lesbian be a heterosexual.

This switch I speak of can make a good wife a cheating spouse.

Your wife does not behave as if you are always next to her. She is a completely different person when you are not around...and that is bad.

Your old lady can compartalmentalize like no bodies business! (to big of word for the-guy but you all know what I phucking mean)

Stop sharing your old lady and find out how much respect she has for this marriage....she clearly has no respect for you....

Start spying and you will not like the person on the other side of her pervirbial switch.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NewWed13 said:


> To alot of people concerned about her past, it is her past for a reason, and mine wasnt any better lol. I dont judge. People change alot in 20 years.
> 
> And on a sidenote - i believe sexual preference is fluid and cannot be "fixed"..


It is true that women have sexual fluidity, but generally men do not. 

Some guys like a challenge and that's okay. I didn't read your whole book, but do you think she's getting side action at this time?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NewWed13 said:


> Polyamory is something I am open to and we have discussed it many times. She has always expressed that she is absolutely not interested in it during our discussions. I think that and marriage counseling both require a level of communication that she might be getting close to capable of, which is an improvement. I think finding out dispassionately is probably the best way to go.


Polyamory is not a good idea. Polygyny might work, but it doesn't sound much like she wants to share you. How often do strange women approach you for sex?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> .... Or don't marry a lesbian who is disgusted by the mere thought of being with you.


yeah, but then he could not watch all that hot wild "hasbian" sex going on!:rofl:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sorry double post


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the var in her car. It almost always tells the story in a few days.

Calling you disgusting only matters depending on who she was talking to and the context. For an example if she was trying to curry favor with a lesbian.


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

@theguy - The idea that shes a different person when im not around and that shes just very good at hiding it is possible, and probably my main worry. But the "switch" logic isnt something i can follow, because it means i would be the same way.

party guy -> Corporate telecom officer
Promiscuous Sex -> Married w one partner
Drugs and acohol -> ehhh maybe some weekend beers/whiskey
Good husband -> Constantly sleeping around on my wife - doesnt work.

Honestly we spend 98% of our non-work time together. If shes living with a dual personality, theres never been a hint of it in 8 years, not even a crack. Not to me, our friends, or even when she drinks. Until this co-worker business. And throughout my 20s i would get slightly frustrated with her because she had become so reserved that it felt like i was dating someone twice my age and everyone would try to urge her out of her shell and it just appeared that she had gotten it all out of her system early. Its possible that the duality (if there is one) started after my indescretion, but until i have evidence i guess i wont know.

@machiavelli - yea, a new friendship with a female co-worker has sent up plenty of red flags, but no smoking gun yet. I am not sure what the difference between polyamory and polygyny are, but she as of yet has been opposed to sharing me. As to your 2nd question I do get regular advances from females.

@chapparal - i didnt elaborate in my OP, but she was talking to 2 of our closest married female friends who just kind of listened in awkward silence. I was in the other room, she thought i was sleeping. As far as context, at the time i thought "she doesnt want me, whether its her orientation or because she just doesnt have a physical connection with me" but at that time i was in the middle of a deep depression after i lost my brother, and the degradation of everything in my personal life including my hygiene may have been a factor and she may have been venting. So many variables.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

A story of a sick relation. Hard to believe you would see all this, and not come up with some logic by yourself. You mention all the red flags and practically spell out the conclusions for us. Only covered with a lot of 'texture' as camouflage to the plot?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There really is simple solution to your doubts. Its the vars.

Get the sony model that costs about sixty dollars. Bestbuy, costco walmart.


Velcro under the front seat with heavy duty velcro. Lithium batteries for long life. Test the settings in your own car.

This is the most reliable way to put your mind at ease. If she is cheating, her safe place to talk is in the car. Usually, results are found in a day or two.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Annulment.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NewWed13 said:


> @machiavelli - yea, a new friendship with a female co-worker has sent up plenty of red flags, but no smoking gun yet. I am not sure what the difference between polyamory and polygyny are, but she as of yet has been opposed to sharing me. As to your 2nd question I do get regular advances from females.


That's very good, because she may be aware that you still have options (as you have demonstrated in the past). The easiest thing to do is cut to the chase and follow Chap's suggestion. VAR attached by heavy velcro to the underside of the driver's seat on her car. That's the quickest way to get the facts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok, throw my crazy [email protected]@ logic out the window.
Something isn't right with your old lady...bottom line!
So go James Bond on her and find out.

Maybe it time to be a step ahead of your old lady instead of being a few step behind?

I mean if your gut is telling you your old lady is cheating then go get the evidence to prove your gut wrong.

When I was going through this crap my regret was I didn't act soon enough!


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## NewWed13 (Jul 8, 2014)

Update - She came home from work this am and told me that "J" gave her another wedding present, an engraved picture frame with our names on it. This would be the 3rd present from her acquaintance, which is odd. But it just occurred to me that all 3 presents are as much gifts to me as they are to the wife. Great sex again today when we crossed paths.

I went ahead and got software running to read the text messages she keeps deleting, monitor location etc.. Still contemplating hidden camera at the front door in case there is no communication via cell. I am about to go out of town for a week 1000 miles away, so if anything is going on I should have my answers fairly quickly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope you find what you need to move forward...with or with out your old lady.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

helolover said:


> Annulment.


:iagree:

I don't see any reason to continue his marriage with his lesbian wife. He's trying to make her hetero when her true sexual identity is lesbian. You can't get blood out of a stone. 

Normally I'm all for investigating this further, but in this case, there would be no point.


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