# Curious about wife's past lovers



## BeaverBeauty

I tend to get these occasional urges to know what my wife's previous sexual partners where like (for her). Whenever I ask her about it (usually during sex) she acts all coy and says she's forgotten and it doesn't matter to her anyway.
Is this dangerous territory ? I'm the curious type.
Are any of you blokes also curious about your SO's past ?


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## RandomDude

Yes

Over time I learnt not to push it though, some memories aren't exactly pleasant to recollect. Same goes with mine.


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## NextTimeAround

Don't ask her during sex. It will ruin the moment and she won't nice memories of that with you.

Try to ask when you two are alone in the living room. But not too often since she's not keen to deal with these questions.


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## MrK

Those are questions you should have asked before you married her.


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## Married but Happy

Be careful what you ask. Can you handle the answers? What if they were bigger, better in bed, handsomer, and/or wealthier? Even if they were, she chose to be with you now.


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## Philat

BeaverBeauty said:


> I tend to get these occasional urges to know what my wife's previous sexual partners where like (for her). Whenever I ask her about it (usually during sex) she acts all coy and says she's forgotten and it doesn't matter to her anyway.
> Is this dangerous territory ? I'm the curious type.
> Are any of you blokes also curious about your SO's past ?


I think it's safe to say that's something all of us are curious about. I agree with nexttimearound that to ask during sex isn't the best approach. Also, her response will depend on what she perceives your motive is. She might wonder what good could come out of a response that is less than coy.


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## samyeagar

Cora28 said:


> My H knows about all my past lovers (not that there are many) and he knew about it pretty early on. We both told each other. I expect that she´s shy but the thing to remember is that, *even if she had a lot of partners, she is married to you.* Nearly all my female married friends have told me that that the best sex/relationship they´ve ever had is with their husbands.
> 
> I don´t advise talking about this during sex either, that´s a sure way to put her off her O and also make her think about her ex-partners!!! Just sayin´!


Yes, she married him, but asking too many questions...he may find that the answers all say she settled for him. Not good.

Are you prepared to hear the answers? To live with the mind movies? To hear about the hot bj she gave some guy before he bent her over the hood of the car? The jacuzzi sex she had with the guy in the same hotel you stayed at with her last summer? Do you purposely want to get her thinking about what she did before you? Do you really want to force her to compare?


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## Thunder7

BeaverBeauty said:


> Is this dangerous territory ? I'm the curious type.


It very well can be. It depends on what your REAL motivation is. Are you curious, as you say, because that's your kink and you get off on it? Or, is it something that once you know more will become a large issue/obstacle in your relationship? Do you want to know because of your own insecurities? Answer these questions first, then the way to proceed will be much clearer.


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## Thunder7

samyeagar said:


> Yes, she married him, but asking too many questions...he may find that the answers all say she settled for him. Not good.
> 
> Are you prepared to hear the answers? To live with the mind movies? To hear about the hot bj she gave some guy before he bent her over the hood of the car? The jacuzzi sex she had with the guy in the same hotel you stayed at with her last summer? Do you purposely want to get her thinking about what she did before you? Do you really want to force her to compare?


We do gravitate to these discussions, don't we. I tried not to give a scary response, like you did.


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## samyeagar

Thunder7 said:


> We do gravitate to these discussions, don't we. I tried not to give a scary response, like you did.


I suppose we do. I'm begining to wonder if we are kind of the resident experts on managable retoactive jealousy since we both have it, have partners that can easily trigger it, and are also makig it work


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## thunderstruck

I have zero interest in that.

Careful - you may not like what you hear.


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## Entropy3000

BeaverBeauty said:


> I tend to get these occasional urges to know what my wife's previous sexual partners where like (for her). Whenever I ask her about it (usually during sex) she acts all coy and says she's forgotten and it doesn't matter to her anyway.
> Is this dangerous territory ? I'm the curious type.
> Are any of you blokes also curious about your SO's past ?


Being curious about this is one thing. The fact it is during sex you think of this is a whole other aspect with a completely different slant.


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## Thor

How is your marriage and your sex life now?

Do you suspect she is hiding something? Do you think she lied to you in the past?


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## Clark G

I too have been curious regarding that type of stuff and we have been quite open with each other but to me, as a man, that is dangerous territory b/c honestly I don't need to get too detailed into my past with her. For us it tends to create a competitive environment so all i focus on is how i make her feel and vice versa. 

Why ask during sex though? Curious by that. 

Good question - I always wondered if others thought about this stuff.

Joe


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## 40isthenew20

I suppose its human nature to know all about our spouse's past, sex and all. But I know my jealous streak wants nothing to do with that. Even though it was before we even knew each other, I don't want to know details and I would never offer any if she asked. 

Sure, we want to be the best she ever had, but do you want to know if yours was smaller than his?


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## perfectstranger

thunderstruck said:


> I have zero interest in that.
> 
> Careful - you may not like what you hear.


I agree with this.
When DH and I first got serious, I remember teasing him for information once or twice after I'd had a couple of drinks. 
He's always been kind of an enigma. If I found out there had been one before me or 100, I could see either way.
He gave me teasing answers back. He never pressed for details from my past. We've both let it go.
Lots of people seem to think we need to know all the gory details of our partner's past. But I don't think that either of our jealous streaks would sit well with details. 
We know what we need to know and the rest we're figuring out together. I'm planning on being with him for a really long time: If there's something he did with an ex that he wants to introduce into our sex life, better if I don't know where that idea came from. I'm a lot more likely to be receptive. And vice versa.


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## sgreenberg

I'd say this is a clear case of (understandable) curiosity that can most certainly kill the cat. Ignorance is bliss here. Stay away!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Hubby and I do not ever discuss the past or past relationships. We focus on our own marriage and what we can do to keep it strong.


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## Jellybeans

BeaverBeauty said:


> I tend to get these occasional urges to know what my wife's previous sexual partners where like (for her). Whenever I ask her about it (usually during sex) she acts all coy and says she's forgotten and it doesn't matter to her anyway.
> Is this dangerous territory ?


Why on earth are you questioning her past sexual experiences/lovers when you are doing her? I mean, that is a great way to kill her libido during the act. A lot of women may find that disrespectful. She clearly doesn't want to talk about it during the act so my advice is to not go there.



This reminds me of that movie, "The Last Mistress." There is one scene where they are in the act and she is playing 50 questions w/ him about his new lover (not her). Very uncomfortable to watch and disconcerting.


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## buckeye1

BeaverBeauty said:


> I tend to get these occasional urges to know what my wife's previous sexual partners where like (for her). Whenever I ask her about it (usually during sex) she acts all coy and says she's forgotten and it doesn't matter to her anyway.
> Is this dangerous territory ? I'm the curious type.
> Are any of you blokes also curious about your SO's past ?


If your the jealous type, then I probably wouldn't ask. I decided to ask my wife about her past after a few years of marriage while on vacation in the Caribbean. Maybe it was the drinks, or the sun, or the nude couples walking by us. Either way, I asked and she proceeded to tell me every detail of her past relationships. I know almost all of her ex boyfriends. She told me their sizes, who was quick, how many time a day they would screw( some 5 times a day). Like an idiot, I continued to ask more details, which she provided like it was no big deal. She told me that every guy she gave a bj to, she swallowed and enjoyed the feeling of it shooting the back of her throat. Mind you, this is a women who was top of her class in college, did some modeling and is active in the community. At that time there was never any indication that she had that kind of past (not that she did anything wrong), so needless to say, the next few days of vacation were spent thinking about her past. For me, I was shocked, not mad or angry. A little jealous of the size of two of her exes, which by the way I recently found nude pictures of them(whole different story). Now, I not only have a mental image, but also a visual of her past. It does get a little weird seeing her ex, watching them talk whenever we run into him and his wife.


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## Phenix70

thunderstruck said:


> I have zero interest in that.
> 
> Careful - you may not like what you hear.


Agreed! If you ask, be prepared for what you hear, it may not be what you thought. 



Entropy3000 said:


> Being curious about this is one thing. The fact it is during sex you think of this is a whole other aspect with a completely different slant.


Yeah, right?


OP, do you have a Cuckold fantasy and that's why you ask during sex?


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## Cosmos

Dangerous territory, IMO, and something you should never bring up during sex.

I think the thing to do is ask yourself what benefit would thqt information be to you? Would you want the truth or would you want her to lie to you? If you would want the truth, it mightn't be something you want to hear (and cause damage to your relationship), and if you want a lie then it it would be utterly pointless.

Knowing a partners numbers is one thing, but details quite another...


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## jay1365

This is a catch 22. I never asked but she volunteered the info, which was cool at the time because we were in those heady new love months and I thought nothing of it. 20 years later when the withholding started the rj took me to some very very dark places. My advice is DO NOT GO THERE, and if she starts volunteering info, TELL HER IN A NICE WAY TO ZIP IT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal

Believe me when I say that if you are curious about the past, womenfolk are curios about it tenfold.

If, especially unprotected ones, and what it felt like.

"Sometimes I want to know what kind of women before me I'm getting intimate with." - this, for future reference, during my whining about protection. From one of my former women. (Hearing this, in my language, was quite a sledgehammer, yes.)

And yeah, it is a dangerous territory.

"There be dragons here."


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## samyeagar

jay1365 said:


> This is a catch 22. I never asked but she volunteered the info, which was cool at the time because we were in those heady new love months and I thought nothing of it. 20 years later when the withholding started the rj took me to some very very dark places. My advice is DO NOT GO THERE, and if she starts volunteering info, *TELL HER IN A NICE WAY TO ZIP IT*.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A mute button would be nice wouldn't it?  STBW had a friend from high school pass away, and we went out that night, and she got completely lit. During the half hour drive home, she told me about a conversation she and her best friend had. Her best friend had never had someone she'd slept with die before. My STBW has had two. The guy who died and his brother were among the few they had both been with. They agreed that the living brother was better in bed than the dead one, and the living brother was bigger than I am. The were both better than this other guy they had shared, but not this one other guy.

She didn't remember telling me any of that, though she did confirm the details so it was obvious I wasn't making it up. Damn, I wish there was a mute button. She hasn't gotten drunk since.


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## jay1365

samyeagar said:


> A mute button would be nice wouldn't it?  STBW had a friend from high school pass away, and we went out that night, and she got completely lit. During the half hour drive home, she told me about a conversation she and her best friend had. Her best friend had never had someone she'd slept with die before. My STBW has had two. The guy who died and his brother were among the few they had both been with. They agreed that the living brother was better in bed than the dead one, and the living brother was bigger than I am. The were both better than this other guy they had shared, but not this one other guy.
> 
> She didn't remember telling me any of that, though she did confirm the details so it was obvious I wasn't making it up. Damn, I wish there was a mute button. She hasn't gotten drunk since.


yes, I heard "way bigger but definitely not better". Talk about an oxymoron! I will never believe it. I just have to accept it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James C

MrK said:


> Those are questions you should have asked before you married her.


This (arrow pointing up) 

It's your responsibility to know who you are marrying. If you're not sure, you wait until you are.


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## Pault

IMO asking any partner let alone a W during sex about previous partners is a really dangerous thing to do. As stated by many here. If you need to know, you need to be prepared for something that your NOT going to like to hear as well.

The fact that your W sates shes forgotten tells me its a polite way of saying "its a no go area". If you push the subject she might feel harrassed. This will lead to argument eventually. 

Most couples follow the unwritten rule of "dont ask and then there wont be issues to deal with".

If there was a medical reason for asking about ex partners well there is a valid reason. But I would have though these would have have surfaced about 24 hours after your first sexual event. So this far is not really acceptable under that banner.


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## RClawson

Speaking from experience I would have to say that ignorance is bliss.


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## Deejo

I have to confess that I do not understand this urge, not at all. Kudos to the guys who are able to recognize their retroactive jealousy, but it seems like an awful self-imposed burden.

I have been told by partners they were beaten, raped, abused by family members, had a relationship with a woman, participated in 3somes, have never had an orgasm, could take or leave sex ... and of course, that I am the best sex they have ever had.

I appreciate when someone feels secure enough to share intimate information, usually and remarkably, unsolicited.

Keep some perspective and recognize where your own 'stuff' enters the picture. You may find it titillating to hear about a sexually exciting event from your partners past, but you should be equally prepared to support her when the story she has to share is something utterly f*ck!ng horrifying.


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## nuclearnightmare

Deejo said:


> I have to confess that I do not understand this urge, not at all. Kudos to the guys who are able to recognize their retroactive jealousy, but it seems like an awful self-imposed burden.
> 
> I have been told by partners they were beaten, raped, abused by family members, had a relationship with a woman, participated in 3somes, have never had an orgasm, could take or leave sex ... and of course, that I am the best sex they have ever had.
> 
> I appreciate when someone feels secure enough to share intimate information, usually and remarkably, unsolicited.
> 
> Keep some perspective and recognize where your own 'stuff' enters the picture. You may find it titillating to hear about a sexually exciting event from your partners past, but you should be equally prepared to support her when the story she has to share is something utterly f*ck!ng horrifying.



one should always ask about past numbers of people, frequency - before commiting to someone. sexual behavior is too important a topic to let it be the "other's business."

But I get that this thread is about going into further physical detail on past lovers, sexual dynamics etc. so I can sse why somone would want to leave that part alone. BUT seems that so many things can go wrong during a marriage with thje physical aspect - the sex - that some of that is bound to be relevant (assuming there are other partners to compare to). e.g. wife cannot O, wife does not want to do certain things, wife now says she's not attracted to you, less attacted etc. physical/sexual details of her pervious relationships could be come relevant IMO.


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## just got it 55

I have been my wife's one and only.Been together since H.S

I always think of the what if I never asked

Anonymous e mail at midnight one night I heard her get up and open it then she went back to sleep.

The next morning she shows me.

Now I am as average as average can be size wise. But this pic is a of a well hung 10 incher with six pack abs

I think to myself

Sh!t….. now she knows what a real one looks like.
Wonder if she thinks she is missing out


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## couple

Deejo said:


> Keep some perspective and recognize where your own 'stuff' enters the picture. You may find it titillating to hear about a sexually exciting event from your partners past, but you should be equally prepared to support her when the story she has to share is something utterly f*ck!ng horrifying.


Deejo...Of course a man should support his wife if she has had a horrible sexual experience in the past. Are you implying that having to deal with any bad experiences that your partner has had is a potential 'price' for opening up the topic of her sexual past? That just leaving this area alone might save you from such a burden?

Perhaps you are just pointing out that a sexual history is not always all fun and games and sexy stories. That's a worthy point but sharing and supporting the good and the bad is just simply a characteristic of a good and intimate marriage. My wife and I have shared the good and the bad over all aspects of our lives. We know about each others ups and downs, successes and failings throughout the time before we met across various aspects of life - education, family life, friends, romantic relationships, health, sports, and yes, sex. Sexuality is an important aspect to one's life so we don't see a reason to keep this big topic off limits in that sharing.

Also, I find that here we often assume that a person's sexual history is all shame, regret and pain. Usually this assumption is more associated with a woman's past than a man's. Like most aspects of life, a sexual history is a rich tapestry of good, bad and indifferent. Of humorous moments, painful moments, incredible moments, disappointing moments, joyous and pleasurable moments, tearful moments, etc. I just have trouble accepting that keeping this off limits to your spouse is a characteristic of a good marriage. It might be a necessary coping mechanism to deal with fear, jealousy and other weaknesses but it's certainly not an indicator of health in a relationship.


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## couple

just got it 55 said:


> Sh!t….. now she knows what a real one looks like.
> Wonder if she thinks she is missing out


Best also to avoid your wife coming into contact with men that are taller, stronger or better looking than you. Or men with nicer cars. Or women whose husbands buy them things that you can't afford to buy her


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## Thunder7

Deejo said:


> it seems like an awful self-imposed burden.


Truer words were never typed.


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## Unique Username

Your wife, OP, had the great sense (during the heat of passion no less) to keep her details to herself. 

Sucks that you asked DURING sex...what a spot you put her in. I'm sure she has had way better than you and many, many more way worse than you. Details are inconsequential - and why would you want her to be thinking of the OTHER men she had sex with while making love with you?

Why do you want to know details? I, like other posters, wonder what your agenda is? That certainly was an awkward position you put her in, and she handled it with grace.

If you are simply trying to figure out how YOU can finesse your own love making skills.....better way would be to ask her what she would like...or simply try different things...along the way you may discover new and wonderful things with her. Buy the Kama Sutra and see if you can figure them all out 

OH, and then there's that other thing - she chose YOU. 
She prefers YOU - why ask about the men that didn't cut the mustard, that didn't make the cut, that lost out on her loveliness forever?


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## I Notice The Details

I think asking about past lovers is like digging in a mine field. Nothing good can come from it. Just my opinion.


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## SimplyAmorous

I Notice The Details said:


> I think asking about past lovers is like digging in a mine field. Nothing good can come from it. *Just my opinion*.


And this is true, they are opinions...that some hold very very strongly...very delicate issue for many.

From all the reading I have done on this forum for the past 4 yrs (am I crazy for still being here!) - one thing is very very clear.. people all all over the map in this...what they want to know..to "God, don't dare touch that !"..

Me personally.... I would NEVER be with someone who wouldn't share every place of their past....If I asked...one hint of "it's none of your business"... I'd drop them. 

I wouldn't consider myself the Jealous type -if there is nothing to be jealous of (am I their #1 while we are together? --this IS all that matters - and should, right?)...and I would dare them to test me on that..

As I wouldn't be able to understand these things with clarity unless I came to know and understood their past, what their experiences were, how it affected them, how it changed them , molded them into the full vibrant person they are TODAY in this very hour... 

Complete deal breaker for me. And I don't feel that makes me nosy, crazy, insecure or any such thing. I would share it all as well, and want to be accepted for it ...as well.. This , I feel, is very healthy.


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## Unique Username

I suspect that simplyamorous would not be asking these details DURING sex though, correct?

It really depends upon the person doesn't it.

Size really doesn't matter. I've had very well endowed men who didn't know how to use it properly (as in not size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean) and modestly endowed men who knew exactly what they were doing...expertly (as in it's not the size of the wand but the magic in it!)


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## sparkyjim

Deejo said:


> ... and of course, that I am the best sex they have ever had.



Gotta love the confidence...:smthumbup:

I have heard this too - and no, I don't want to know anything about my partner's past lovers. If they were better I don't want her to reinforce that memory. And if they were worse - well I don't need the ego strokes...I am fine.

I think though that there might be a little bit of voyeurism going on here. I think you are curious because of that. I don't know whether you should indulge it or not. 

If you are confident in yourself then maybe you could go ahead and try - but if you are not confident then you will be wondering "Okay is this her imagination or did she really do that with someone else?"

I think a truly confident man doesn't need any of that. He enjoys the moment. He enjoys the reality of the physical and emotional feelings that he shares with his woman. Everything before this moment doesn't matter. It doesn't even exist.


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## I Notice The Details

In my marriage...if I told my wife about each girlfriend I have ever had a relationship with, she would end up asking for details. She would then start comparing herself to my past lovers. This comparison would do nothing positive to build her confidence or self esteem about herself. In my marriage, this type of information would not be helpful. 

I do agree that learning about people's past, and details about growing up are VERY important, and should be shared. I believe this is what Simply Amorous was speaking of. No question here at all. Our past experiences make us who we are today. I think this is healthy to share these kind of things.

I am only speaking of sharing the juicy details of past lovers...those details can cause jealousy, unnecessary comparisons, and possible resentment. I don't want any of that in my marriage.


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## 40isthenew20

If my wife was describing sex with another guy from her past, I would not be very happy to hear it and it may cause an argument. But if she came out and said that she fooled around with another woman, it would get me so turned on that I would explode. 

Funny how life is sometimes...


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## Caribbean Man

40isthenew20 said:


> If my wife was describing sex with another guy from her past, I would not be very happy to hear it and it may cause an argument. But if she came out and said that she fooled around with another woman, it would get me so turned on that I would explode.
> 
> *Funny how life is sometimes...*


Yes.

Conversely, there are many men who like hearing the details of their woman's past sexual encounters, not to compare themselves, but because it makes _them_ want to explode , sexually.[ I suspect the OP falls under that part of the spectrum. ] They have voyeuristic tendencies. But surprise, surprise! I've know a couple of women in the past who have told me their man had this type of fetish , and it is a complete TURN OFF for them especially during sex.

And therein lies the subtle differences ,hues , nuances in human [psychosexual] response.


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