# Getting partner to explore more



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either. 

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry, but this can be really difficult. I sympathize with wanting to try new adventurous things, I do as well, but for many people that sort of behavior just isn't desirable or maybe even downright disturbing.

What to you or anyone else with a kinky bent sounds like a fun game - tie you up, spank you, make you his "slave" or whatever turns you on, to other sounds like a perversion.

Its tough. In my relationship I'm the one who wants to try new things, and getting that "you are a perv" look back when I suggest something really hurts.

If he has outright rejected the suggestion, I don't know much else you can do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mollymolz,

Check your PMs


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

These kinds of posts usually make me roll my eyes and angry only because of my personal experience. For years I was bored with husband's vanilla sex and always asked for different things, bought toys, bought lingerie and NADA. Little did I know he was secretly watching porn and way worse than what I was asking for. He may act vanilla but maybe he is embarrassed to talk about it. 


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Mollymolz said:


> I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem.
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


Is he worried that you might change you mind part way through and harbour resentment that he went along?


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Sawney Beane said:


> Is he worried that you might change you mind part way through and harbour resentment that he went along?


No, I don't think so. He knows I'm pretty open. I think it's more his own discomfort. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> These kinds of posts usually make me roll my eyes and angry only because of my personal experience. For years I was bored with husband's vanilla sex and always asked for different things, bought toys, bought lingerie and NADA. Little did I know he was secretly watching porn and way worse than what I was asking for. He may act vanilla but maybe he is embarrassed to talk about it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm sorry that was your experience. I've watched some of the stuff he's downloaded (he denied that he downloaded) and some of what was on his Internet history. It was pretty tame and I don't think he's hiding anything. 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

The eye roll is what I've got before. It does make me feel like a deviant. My issue is that I don't understand how he can decide he doesn't like something if he's never tried. 

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Expressing shock / disgust at a partner's sexual desires is a terrible thing to do. Its fine (if unfortunate) to say you aren't interested, but he should not have made you feel badly about what you want - especially because its a fairly common kink. 

It IS possible to know you won't like something without trying it. There is a Japanese dish where they eat live Octopus. Nope, not trying it.....






Mollymolz said:


> The eye roll is what I've got before. It does make me feel like a deviant. My issue is that I don't understand how he can decide he doesn't like something if he's never tried.
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Expressing shock / disgust at a partner's sexual desires is a terrible thing to do. Its fine (if unfortunate) to say you aren't interested, but he should not have made you feel badly about what you want - especially because its a fairly common kink.
> 
> It IS possible to know you won't like something without trying it. There is a Japanese dish where they eat live Octopus. Nope, not trying it.....


You have me there lol. I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle that dish either. I suppose we just have to learn to live with different tastes. 

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts?


Blindfolds and basic restraints such as ropes to tie up hands and feet, are very basic and vanilla if you ask me. Perhaps you did not discuss this in the best context, and you brought up the idea while he was already defensive about something (e.g. perhaps you mentioned sex had been boring lately). 

My suggestion would be to start with things that are very basic, like using a men's silk suit tie as a hand restraint, or a scarf as a blindfold. Since those are basic and non threatening items, just have them in the nightstand. Perhaps demonstrate playfully on him first, and then ask him to return the favor. Afterwards if he enjoyed it, THEN talk about how you would want to perhaps try something a little more elaborate next time. 

You may also find it helpful to know that a man's threshold for new sexual ideas becomes more open while he is very aroused. So if you get him aroused first, you will be able to discuss things that you never thought possible and he will be much more open to it. The problem with this approach is that afterwards he may change his opinion and express that he no longer likes an idea. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It may be worth a try but I've come to believe that "kinkiness" as immutable as sexual orientation.

There is almost nothing I can imagine that my wife might as for that would shock / disturb me, and few things that I wouldn't be willing to try. OTOH, she has been shocked by some of my suggestions that I thought were relatively normal. In particular for her anything that hints at "force" seems disturbing. 

For someone who has a kinky side, its difficult to imagine the mindset of someone who doesn't. 






badsanta said:


> Blindfolds and basic restraints such as ropes to tie up hands and feet, are very basic and vanilla if you ask me. Perhaps you did not discuss this in the best context, and you brought up the idea while he was already defensive about something (e.g. perhaps you mentioned sex had been boring lately).
> 
> My suggestion would be to start with things that are very basic, like using a men's silk suit tie as a hand restraint, or a scarf as a blindfold. Since those are basic and non threatening items, just have them in the nightstand. Perhaps demonstrate playfully on him first, and then ask him to return the favor. Afterwards if he enjoyed it, THEN talk about how you would want to perhaps try something a little more elaborate next time.
> 
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Mollymolz,
> 
> Check your PMs


Big sister loves you. And She is watching you. She is watching all of us. She cut an inch off the end of my tongue. She did. Ask her.

I now hasa lisp whan I white. Add that to the wavy wisp...wisp of sanity that still sparks in my pumpkin.

She is watching you from behind her veil. 

I can climb her wall and peek, have a look-see. But I don't. My imagination works better than my old eyes. 
..............................................................................................................................................................................

My PM?

Post Mortem....nobody loves an old fool. >

Well, excepting an occasional visit from a robed Buddha, with no underwear....... no Under Armor, underneath his smile! :surprise: 
................................................................................................................................................................................
Evade Death...at all costs. Death travels with the Wind. Run counter....counter, my friends. It will pass over your head....looking for fear, avoiding the brave. I hope. Hope lives in Canada.
................................................................................................................................................................................

Molly....

Turn your head 45 degrees. Press the bridge of your nose against the bridge of your husbands. That is the closest Your Eyes will get to His...Eyes....... Aye, Yai, Yai!

While in this position tell him to "Tie you up and **** you". "Do it now, my sexy man!"


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Expressing shock / disgust at a partner's sexual desires is a terrible thing to do. Its fine (if unfortunate) to say you aren't interested, but he should not have made you feel badly about what you want - especially because its a fairly common kink.
> 
> It IS possible to know you won't like something without trying it. There is a Japanese dish where they eat live Octopus. Nope, not trying it.....


You could try being tied up and then add the live octopus ....... that would probably be way past the "common kink" barrier. 0


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Blindfolds and basic restraints such as ropes to tie up hands and feet, are very basic and vanilla if you ask me. Perhaps you did not discuss this in the best context, and you brought up the idea while he was already defensive about something (e.g. perhaps you mentioned sex had been boring lately).
> 
> My suggestion would be to start with things that are very basic, like using a men's silk suit tie as a hand restraint, or a scarf as a blindfold. Since those are basic and non threatening items, just have them in the nightstand. Perhaps demonstrate playfully on him first, and then ask him to return the favor. Afterwards if he enjoyed it, THEN talk about how you would want to perhaps try something a little more elaborate next time.
> 
> ...


You are right, I didn't bring it up at the best of times. We went through a major dry spell and it was while we were sorting that out that I broached the topic. Maybe a more well thought out plan of attack will work  

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Big sister loves you. And She is watching you. She is watching all of us. She cut an inch off the end of my tongue. She did. Ask her.
> 
> I now hasa lisp whan I white. Add that to the wavy wisp...wisp of sanity that still sparks in my pumpkin.
> 
> ...


I like this plan! Lol

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> You could try being tied up and then add the live octopus ....... that would probably be way past the "common kink" barrier. 0


How exactly does the octopus fit in? Do you eat it or?

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sounds like Japanese porn......



WonkyNinja said:


> You could try being tied up and then add the live octopus ....... that would probably be way past the "common kink" barrier. 0


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> You are right, I didn't bring it up at the best of times. We went through a major dry spell and it was while we were sorting that out that I broached the topic. Maybe a more well thought out plan of attack will work


You may find it interesting to know that in marriages where the topic of sex becomes frustrating, that the person with an active drive will subconsciously initiate at a moment when they already know they will be rejected. This is done because one person is upset with the other, and just looking for a reason to validate themselves for being so upset and continuing to be. 

Imagine if we were partners and I were upset with you for not helping make the bed in the morning. I would get unreasonably furious about it, and go to you while you are in the middle of your shower and insist you stop right then and help make up the bed. You would be like "no ****** way!" And I would be completely validated for being so upset and think to myself, "I knew it! I just knew it! She ****** hates making the bed!" Meanwhile you didn't make the bed because you just wanted to let me sleep a few minutes extra. 

So if you and your husband were going through a dry spell, you were upset about it, and used that moment to suggest getting a little kinky in the bedroom... Ask yourself if there wasn't part of you that wanted validation for being frustrated about the dry spell, and you were just looking for a reason to stay upset and blame everything on your husband. You know as opposed to looking at some of your own faults (we ALL have them!)

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Mollymolz said:


> I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either.


Maybe tie HIM up until he relents? 

Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> Maybe tie HIM up until he relents?
> 
> Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.


How would this square with the idea that nobody should feel any necessity to do anything sexual whatsoever that they are not completely enthusiastic about?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I've never liked that idea. 

I think that in a loving relationship each should go out of their way to try to please the other. That doesn't mean doing things that are painful / degrading, but I think each should enjoy pleasing their partners even if they don't particularly enjoy the actions themselves.





Sawney Beane said:


> How would this square with the idea that nobody should feel any necessity to do anything sexual whatsoever that they are not completely enthusiastic about?


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Here here here! 

When I first brought up some adventurous love making to my husband, he looked at me like my head was turned backward! But I mind bombed him haha! Dropping little hints here, leaving the computer open on the sexiest (*****ish... Ahem.) Lingerie I could find, etc. He must have been taking it all in without realizing it because he started bringing it up to me after he had time to think about it. He said he never gave it much thought before and when he did he thought I would think he's a freak. You know what? He IS a freak, me too  Figured that out a long time ago, now he's a pro.

It really depends on the guy and what types of new adventures you are interested in. Does he have any fantasy's? My H loves bondage, and not just your run-of-the-mill handcuff stuff, it's a complete dominance thing. Does your H seem like the alpha type? Maybe try suggesting certain things or just talk about some of them, like ask him what he thinks of bondage.
And when he asks for your opinion say something like "I don't know, it would be kind of hot to be strung up and used for your pleasure" gauge his REACTION not what he says. My H used to be like, nah that's not for me, meanwhile he'd get up off the couch to go to the kitchen with a raging hard-on hahaha! Some dudes don't like to admit their kinks openly. But unlike us, they CANT hide their ezcitement 

Wouldn't that be a fun way to figure out his sexy desires? Strip him naked and talk about the stuff you want to do, and more importantly why! See if his body agrees with his words LOL


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Sawney Beane said:


> How would this square with the idea that nobody should feel any necessity to do anything sexual whatsoever that they are not completely enthusiastic about?


Great question. The boyfriend doesn't need to partake in tying his girlfriend up, but he should validate her desire by talking about it with her instead of just giving her an eye-roll. If he was creative, he can try to meet her needs in other ways, such as agreeing to hold her wrists down or something simple like trying to make it a point to occasionally showing more assertiveness. I think that she would appreciate his willingness to find ways to compromise.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Let me ask a question: if this was a woman saying her husband wanted to tie her up and she thought this was weird/sick, would we encourage her to indulge him?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mollymolz said:


> I want to explore bandage, and maybe a few fetishes. My husband seems uncomfortable with this. I've asked him once to tie me up and he told me I have a problem. Has anyone successful warmed their partners up to the idea of being a little more open to exploring these types of sex acts? Vanilla is great but it gets boring after a while. That being said I don't want to push my partner away with this stuff either.
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


I assume you mean bondage. Bondage is to some a power exchange. Sometimes a spouse will not want to engage in a huge power exchange because they are afraid of the future unknown. 

They could also be afraid of their own self control or lack thereof. Ask you H what he fears or makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that his wife of many years is not going to change, she will still be the same loving wife she has always been.

David Schnarch would say that the first key is self-soothing. That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.

For example with bondage. You could start by having him hold your wrist together with one of his hands while he makes love to you. Then maybe you and he can put a scarf around your wrists but in a way that will not bind your hands together and that you can easily escape. If you approach things in gradual steps that you and your partner can become comfortable with then you can be more explorative. As they say, it is only kinky the first time you do it. That is why breaking things down into components you can become comfortable with is a good approach.

Good luck.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> That is each partner figuring out what it is that makes them feel uncomfortable and then figure out how to reduce that level of discomfort. One example of this is breaking an "act" down into components and practicing each separate one until you feel comfortable with it, then combining them all together. You can try that with each fetish.
> Good luck.


This is predicated on somebody wanting to do this. If it is something you consider morally/ethically unacceptable, you won't be interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome your moral objections.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


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## DonaldDuck666 (Feb 20, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I've never liked that idea.
> 
> I think that in a loving relationship each should go out of their way to try to please the other. That doesn't mean doing things that are painful / degrading, but I think each should enjoy pleasing their partners even if they don't particularly enjoy the actions themselves.


I'm torn on that philosophy. I want my wife to be turned on by doing things to/for me. If they're doing something that they don't enjoy, I think resentment will set in. For example, I've always been disappointed my wife won't swallow. Hell, she doesn't even play with cvm (I had an ex that could practically have an orgasm rubbing it all over her breasts). She's made it clear it's not something she will do, but would do it if I really wanted to. Where's the fun in that? Yet, resentment sets in on my part, so there's the other side of the coin...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sawney Beane said:


> This is predicated on somebody *wanting to do this.* If it is something you consider morally/ethically unacceptable, you won't be interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome your moral objections.


Schnarch likes to say that marriage, if done right, is the hardest thing two people can do together. I tend to agree. He also sees two people in a marriage developing each at their own rate and then finding themselves constantly pulling or pushing their spouses boundaries as they try to establish a new happy compromised relationship.

The OP clearly stated that she wanted to try some fetishes and was asking for help and suggestions.

So she was clearly *wanting to do this.* So at least she might be *interested in a tool for figuring out how to overcome ......... objections*. That is why I provided her with some information. Her husband maybe not as interested, but that is the push and pull of a normal marriage. If he has moral or ethical issues, he should state them and explain them to his wife.

One of the things that Schnarch likes to describe it french kissing and how disgusting is that at first glance. However, you know people do it and after a few times, it is pretty hot. I would imagine that one could say all that sharing of germs is disgusting, unhealthy, and immoral. Yet, most people do this. It is all a very large slippery slope, when it comes to sex.

My wife who has lots of sexual hangups was told by the nuns at the convent school she went to that nothing a husband and wife do after marriage is wrong. Later my wife told me that the nuns didn't know how perverted men could be. I think that the nuns, actually did know.

People are allowed to have boundaries on what they will and will not do. No one should be forced to do things that they do not want to do. But those are their own personal boundaries. I have little problems with two people doing things that are consensual, will not cause bodily damage, is not abusive or humiliating. If two people want to explore their sexual boundaries within marriage, then let them. If the advice helps them then great.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she has a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.

First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life, but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me.  With other women I have been successful by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.

I also sometimes started off with just asking the girl to blindfold me and tease me. We would do that a few times. Then I might suggest that she tweak my nipples and when she did I would moan in pleasure. I basically trained them like Pavlov's dogs. I acted a lot and whenever they did something I wanted them to do, I reacted with a great show of pleasure until they started doing it on their own with no prompting from me. After that move on to the next thing. Perhaps getting spanked. I would play games with the girl and loser gets a spanking. I always lost. A light spanking is pretty vanilla these days. If he does that and gets used to it, you can kid him and tell him that you hardly feel it and a strong man like him should be able to hit harder or whatever you think will work.

Spanking led to paddling because at a certain point his hand will hurt from spanking you. I would introduce an innocent ping pong paddle and suggest that he use that to save his hands. Once he is used to beating your butt, it really does not matter what else he uses. I have to stress that you need to take baby steps. It took me a good three years to train my girlfriend and she was a natural dominant to begin with. My wife has a nice collection of BDSM gear and impact toys, but hardly uses them. She is OK with nipple torture and some slapping of the family jewels. That is about it. Once in a while I can get her to slap my face by goading her about girlie slaps. She will do just about anything I ask but it is not the same if they are not really into it. Having been with two truly sexually dominant women, the difference is significant. When they want to dominate you it is more exciting. You do not have to top from the bottom or act to make them know you are enjoying what they are doing. They did not care if I enjoyed it or not. I did have limits but they were simply to do nothing that required medical attention. 

So take baby steps and if his heart is not into it, it never will be. Men tend to be naturally dominant so perhaps you can just wake that up in his sexual being by taking it slow. You do something light and step it up after time and before you know it, spanking your butt a little turns into whipping you until you cry.  I know that my wife will never change but we found something else that appeals to the sexual masochist in me and my wife's comfort zone. 

My point is to look for something that satisfies both of you. If you look online you will find a list of sexual fetishes. Almost all that you can think of and some that you cannot. The form iused has boxes to check off to indicate if you are not willing to try the fetish, will try it or definitely into it. Then compare notes. The danger is that while a kink is something you would like to do, a fetish is something you have to do or it will forever eat away at you and detract from your enjoyment of sex. There is no turning a fetish off. 

Good luck and remember to take baby steps. Join fetlife.com for free and get some advice. Many are in the same situation as you and if nothing is done about it, it will gnaw at you forever. I have had sex with a few married women, with their husbands' OK, to do the things that they did not want to do with their wives. Some were kind of gross but some were as simple as a good hard spanking. 

You can explain the mental aspects of what you like to your husband or buy him one of many books on Amazon which will explain the fetish to him and how it is not what he thinks it is. Otherwise find common ground or do the equivalent of faking an orgasm by having him take on a role and pretend. The latter is what I mostly did with my wife. She does not want a submissive husband. She married me because I am an alpha male like her dad and her brothers. I made her understand that we are just playing a sex game were we take on roles and those roles do not define us outside of the bedroom. That is all you can do.


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## DonaldDuck666 (Feb 20, 2017)

Damn, Vinny, you've had quite a fun life!


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

badsanta said:


> You may find it interesting to know that in marriages where the topic of sex becomes frustrating, that the person with an active drive will subconsciously initiate at a moment when they already know they will be rejected. This is done because one person is upset with the other, and just looking for a reason to validate themselves for being so upset and continuing to be.
> 
> Imagine if we were partners and I were upset with you for not helping make the bed in the morning. I would get unreasonably furious about it, and go to you while you are in the middle of your shower and insist you stop right then and help make up the bed. You would be like "no ****** way!" And I would be completely validated for being so upset and think to myself, "I knew it! I just knew it! She ****** hates making the bed!" Meanwhile you didn't make the bed because you just wanted to let me sleep a few minutes extra.
> 
> ...


That makes sense. I don't think it was my motive at the time though. Who knows, maybe it was my subconscious motive. It came up because in an argument he said his needs weren't being fulfilled. In this new conversation (a different day) I tried to get him to tell me his needs and his new answer was that they were being filled and he doesn't have any. I first don't believe that but he is very closed off in sexual conversations. I could happily talk about it all day. Maybe that's why I'm on TAM. Anyway, I told told him my desires hoping to get something out of him. He told me I'm not normal. Go figure. I don't really know how to reapproach the subject. 

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a lot of very tricky questions wrapped up in this about what is "reasonable" in s sexual relationship.

For example, I would say that a husband who was only "comfortable" with PIV intercourse in missionary position and found the idea of pleasing his wife using fingers or mouth to be disgusting was not being a reasonable sexual partner unless such limits had been discussed beforehand. 

At the other extreme, I don't think a woman should ever have to submit to bondage and beatings even though there are other women who enjoy that sort of play.

In the intermediate place is performing oral on a partner. Some people find this to be a completely normal and expected part of sexual activity, other find it abusive. 

There is also the question of physical vs mental discomfort. A woman might be horrified at the idea of pegging her husband, even though that act is not at all uncomfortable to her.

For myself, I would be willing to do anything that was consensual and that was not too painful for me, or a rather limited set of things that I find deeply gross or disturbing. (I have a phobia of needles so would not tolerate that sort of play under any conditions).


I would encourage people to be clear to themselves why they do not want to engage in some sort of sexual behavior to please their partners. If the reasons are valid, that is fine. Sometimes though they may realize that they haven't really thought about the idea carefully and may actually be OK with it. 

When there is a big mismatch it can be very frustrating. 






Sawney Beane said:


> Let me ask a question: if this was a woman saying her husband wanted to tie her up and she thought this was weird/sick, would we encourage her to indulge him?


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> I have been into BDSM for 47 years. My wife is not into it but she brought her girlfriend into our lives and bed. My wife got a female lover in addition to me and I got a girlfriend for loved dominating me. Worked out perfectly for 30 years. Although she had a dominant personality, she did not know anything about BDSM. BDSM covers a very broad field. For instance, I am more into S&M and really do not like bondage much other than the occasional tying down to the bed. Before my girlfriend I had to make my own dominant sex partner. I have successfully done that a few times and here is how.
> 
> First off, if your husband is against hurting or tying you up, the best you can hope for is that he will assume a role and do it out of love. My wife used to be, and still is to a great extent, submissive. She will play with me now that our girlfriend is no longer in our life but her heart is not into it. Her girlfriend used to sigh with pleasure by hurting me.  With other women I have been successfully by taking baby steps. Start off with him teasing you while bound to the four corners of the bed. They sell nylon straps with velcro cuffs that attach to the four corners of you bed out of sight. We used to have them and even took them on vacation with the three of us. If not improvise. A spreader bar is easily made out of a dowel and some eyelet screws.
> 
> ...


That's a pretty detailed post with some great ideas. I like at the end how you say it's getting others to understand the mental aspect. They get hung up on the psychical, which is part of it, but in the end it's the power dynamic I'm after. I'm a very dominant person in my personal life but in bed I want to be submissive.

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This can work but it depends on where the resistance is. 

On of the man things I happen to enjoy is being dominated a bit. My wife doesn't enjoy this and while we have done some things that tend in that direction I am aware that she will never be comfortable / willing to actually do what I want that way. No amount of playing with positions etc will ever lead there. 




Young at Heart said:


> I assume you mean bondage. Bondage is to some a power exchange. Sometimes a spouse will not want to engage in a huge power exchange because they are afraid of the future unknown.
> 
> They could also be afraid of their own self control or lack thereof. Ask you H what he fears or makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that his wife of many years is not going to change, she will still be the same loving wife she has always been.
> 
> ...


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Maybe tie HIM up until he relents?
> 
> Seriously, while he seems like someone who has little interest in being creative when it comes to sex, he should at least be mature enough to validate your desires. He should be thinking of ways in which he can meet you half way.


One would hope their partner would do that. He recently asked to bring a vibrator into our sex life and that's as racey as he seems to get 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I've never liked that idea.
> 
> I think that in a loving relationship each should go out of their way to try to please the other. That doesn't mean doing things that are painful / degrading, but I think each should enjoy pleasing their partners even if they don't particularly enjoy the actions themselves.


This makes sense to me. We all do things in relationships we don't necessary want to to make the relationship work. Why should sex be any different? I'm not saying he had to go all out BDSM, but lightly exploring a few things would be nice. Compromise. 

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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

uhtred said:


> There are a lot of very tricky questions wrapped up in this about what is "reasonable" in s sexual relationship.
> 
> I would encourage people to be clear to themselves why they do not want to engage in some sort of sexual behavior to please their partners. If the reasons are valid, that is fine. Sometimes though they may realize that they haven't really thought about the idea carefully and may actually be OK with it.


Again, you have the contention that "No" is a complete sentence, requires no explanation and isn't an invitation for discussion...


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Great question. The boyfriend doesn't need to partake in tying his girlfriend up, but he should validate her desire by talking about it with her instead of just giving her an eye-roll. If he was creative, he can try to meet her needs in other ways, such as agreeing to hold her wrists down or something simple like trying to make it a point to occasionally showing more assertiveness. I think that she would appreciate his willingness to find ways to compromise.


This, exactly this. 

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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’ve been in a similar position. My husband has a healthy sex drive but he’s always been pretty basic. Give him a naked woman and he’s good to go.
> Many years ago I mentioned that I wanted to try some light bondage and it kind of freaked him out. He wasn’t rude to me about it but I could tell he wasn’t into it. I decided to give him lots of positive feedback when he did something a little outside of his comfort zone. The first time he spanked me I made sure to let him know how much I liked it. I did the same when he pinned my arms up over my head. Eventually we even started playing a game where I’d do something “bad” and he’d tell me I had “10 spankings” and I’d have to do nice things for him all day to get him to take some of them away (or bad things to get him to add more). We’d be out with other people in public and he’d just look at me and say “That’s 2 more” and no one knew what he was talking about except me. Of course I always made sure to be just bad enough to have several spankings left when the day was over and I had to pay. That was pretty hot and I definitely need to remind him of that soon... Anyway, many years later and now he’s definitely more open to suggestions. He’ll never hogtie me or anything (and I’m ok with that) but he enjoys playing around with handcuffs and other light rough play. I even told him about an embarrassing kink that I recently discovered I was into and he happily obliged.
> 
> Something funny that I just remembered that might help.... I used to tie my own hands together and masturbate. Lol. Kind of weird, I know, but it helped me get that little bit of kink I was looking for.


Well, that’s embarrassing. I really wish I would have checked the dates before commenting...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LeananSidhe said:


> Well, that’s embarrassing. I really wish I would have checked the dates before commenting...


Don't worry. People do it all the time. We just lock zombie thread when they are resurrected.


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