# he almost cheated, but why?



## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

My husband and I have been together for a total of 7 years, married for 2. We have together overcome the most difficult phase of our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, we are (were) in a great place in our relationship. We are (were) genuinely happy and it felt amazing to reach that level. It was not easy getting there but we triumphed. And then...

I happened to open his cc bill and saw a motel charge. (I think this is maybe the second time I have EVER opened his mail. Was not looking for anything. Really, just wanted to shred it bc unopened mail tends to stack up in our home. But then I looked at the bill.) He denied it at first, but within minutes he confessed. I can tell when he lies--have learned this via small lies that usually don't matter but lies nonetheless. Lies however small are very telling of a person's character. Like, if it's a small and stupid lie, why does a person even feel compelled to tell it? Rather, than facing the truth and its consequences, lying tells about a person's moral character. And so, each time he does tell an insignificant lie to whomever--his boss, his father, me, the waiter... they are each an opportunity for me to learn about his character yes, but also about how he lies. There is a different attitude that is assumed, a different tone in the voice, a different pitch, etc. You know when you have known someone for long enough, you can just tell certain things. 

So then, there was a drug store charge, a restaurant charge and a car wash charge. Already piecing a story in my mind, I asked very calmly and little by little he shared what happened. He treated her for lunch, got her a car wash, went to buy condoms and took her to a motel (in this order based on the storyline). He met her two weeks prior at his work and she gave him her number. He called her, they chatted and intermittently spoke on the weekends for about two weeks. Then this outing occurred and they never talked again. 

I do believe that nothing happened. In fact, I believe that he is not capable of cheating. He was not interested in an emotional relationship either. However, he's not aware of the root of the problem. Yes, it was a mistake and yes, it was stupid but why was he willing to cheat? Where is it rooted fundamentally? 

But he did re-open one of those dumb social media/flirting/dating sites, which has previously been a problem. He enjoys the cheap thrill of women flirting back and this, in turn, makes him feel wanted. When he was little, he was bullied and thus, unwanted-- or at least, I imagine that being bullied can stir up feelings of being unwanted. He has not drawn this connection. In fact, he has not considered what further motivates his interest in potential infidelities. This is what I am most interested in. Yes, of course I do not want him to actually cheat. But, I want him to figure out why he has a desire to seek cheap thrills. I think that will help him find the root of the problem. I have spent the morning thinking and reading and trying to get a more in depth understanding of what may have possessed him to stop thinking and just go with the flow of the cheap flirtation. He told me he stopped when she said she was engaged. Like something snapped and he realized how much damage this would cause for both his marriage and her future one. 

I think that if he does not stop to really understand the trigger that led him to want to act on a desire, this same issue may resurface in the future because he learned nothing from this time--except perhaps how to be more careful with his cc bills, etc. 

From all of those charges, it was not the hotel that made me the angriest, and much less the condoms. It was the car wash. The car wash shows that you care about something, that he had an opinion about her car, that he rode in her car long enough to have developed that opinion, an opinion that merited consideration of what is right and wrong for the cleanliness of a car. The meal was upsetting too because she asked about me, his wife. She knew he was married. She knew where I was when all of this is happening. In fact, she picked him up so she even knew where he lives. These private details is what makes the entire story worse. Not that he had an urge to have extramarital intercourse, safe intercourse, with someone. That was the least of my concerns. 

So, in spite of my disappointment (which is worse than anger), how do I help him/us, get past this by understanding the root of the problem? What types of questions should I be asking him? He refuses to see a psychologist/therapist, and I am not a trained psychologist but I do know that there is usually some other factor that can account for some actions. I refuse to believe that things just are because they are. There is something more profound and if I truly am his partner, I will provide some guidance (via questions) to carefully unravel this mess we call life.


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

Wow. I think you are in denial. He has a huge problem and I wouldn't stand for it. He can't change and you of all people cannot help him. You will never be able to trust him again. She works with him for crying out loud. He made his decision.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Is this for real? By paying for her car wash, he was playing Mr big shot with family money. You think they went to a hotel to talk? Don't buy for a second that nothing happened. 

Is he crying sexual neglect for the reason for his betrayal? He needs to give you the passwords for his phone, email, and social media. There is no way you should tolerate any secrecy. He forfeited his privacy rights when he snuck around with this "woman."


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Emilia, I am also a betrayed wife (BW). I think you have a much bigger problem here than you may realize, and I totally understand why because I've been in your shoes. 

It's hard to see the people we love for who they really are. But you need to look at this logically. The first time you looked at a CC bill, you found evidence of cheating. Did you examine his past CC statements to see if anything else looked wrong? Look via his online account; don't accept a PDF or printed copy- they are easy to alter.

Another problem is his lack of remorse. You're here looking for help. He refuses therapy. He does not want to own this, learn from it and grow, to protect your marriage. He should be doing whatever it takes to earn your trust back! 

I'd strongly recommend you read the evidence thread in this subforum. You should also read the stickies, and look up the 180.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

You told us "I believe that he is not capable of cheating". Well my lady he cheated on you and not only this time. He was using dating sites and you knew about it but keep silent-that is cheating for me.

He keep saying it is nothing and you keep defendig him. If you have some problems from youe past,childhood etc... that is not a reason you cheat on your wife/husband.

Also he is working with this woman,seeing her every single day.

My best advice for you is to find out what happend in that motel. Belive me they did not have a meal and drinks.

He knew what is he doing.Buying condoms,reserving a motel room is the end for me.

Try and talk with his other co-workes. Trust me they know a lot more. Dont feel ashamed or shy to ask them. This is your life,your marriage.

Stay strong my lady.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Wow and wow. I can't believe it. He paid for her lunch, a car wash, and to top it off, a motel room for a nooner; all charged to his cc. Doesn't he know to pay cash for such stuff.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Emilia, for me, if his story is all true, that would still be cheating. Going on a date, planning sex, kissing and touching all crosses the line for me. 
He most likely did have sex with her. My H is a terrible liar too, I could always see the signs before. But when he was having his affair he fooled me. 
He told me a story about the male co-workers house he had spent the night at when the group wanted to keep drinking after the bar closed. It had details about the guys wife, his pool table/rec room set up, his name and how long he's worked there, details about him. All of it lies, right down to the pool table. I'm almost more in shock that he was able to pull off a lie like that than the affair itself. 

If it came out that he did sleep with her, does that change you wanting to stay together? Does it change how you're going to go forward with the marriage?
Why is he not willing to go to therapy? What about marriage counseling? 

I've struggled with the "whys" myself but in my own marriage there was a lot missing and failing that made us weaker, you guys were doing great. The reasons then get a lot more tricky and counseling would help a lot. 

I used a lot of the info on this site Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice after my H's affair and it helped us, but nothing could really begin until I had all the information and the affair was 100% done and he had no more contact with her. Maybe read through the forum there too.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Wait, he took her on a lunch date, washed her car, bought condoms, got a hotel room, and then what. Just had a conversation? sitting in a hotel room with condoms?
Why exactly would he stop there? Why would her being engaged stop him, when clearly, his being married didn't stop him.

Get tested for STD's. Do the 180. If he wants to keep you, he needs to show some remorse and win you back. It shouldn't be only you scrambling to fix this, unless he's reacting to a sexless marriage (in which case both of you should be working together to fix it.)

He's blaming his need to go outside the marriage for flirting and sexual attention on his being bullied as a child? If he was mistreated as a child, for real, why on earth would he grow up and be disloyal to you? I could maybe understand if he was sexually abused as a child by a parental figure or something, projecting that into needing lots of opposite sex validation as an adult. But not bullied at school. I think he's using that to gain your sympathy, and to distract you from his infidelity.

I too would be looking at any cc or bank account statements i could find. Odds are, this isn't the first time, only the first time he was caught.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

He slept with her. You need to accept that. 

I don't know a man alive (or maybe even a woman) who could buy condoms, go to dinner, pay for a hotel and not "seal the deal". I mean unless he couldn't get his soldier to salute.

I myself had a PA. I stopped a minute in (not intercourse) because yes, I had a moment of clarity. But you need to realize, SOMETHING happened. 

Maybe intent without follow through is enough to make it ok to you. I may possibly be the same way. I can see that blurred line. 

What will you do when you find out the FULL story? Will you still stay? That's the question you need to answer. Because there IS more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep you are in denial. He must be quite the accomplished liar.

No one and I mean no one goes to that much trouble and expense without sealing the deal.

Sign him up for a polygraph or have him sign divorce papers. His choice


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're far too trusting. Don't be. Many of us (maybe all of us) who were cheated on felt our spouse wasn't remotely capable of cheating. I know I did. 

You can certainly R if that's what you choose but you need to do it with your eyes wide open. And I don't think yours are.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow all that and the car wash makes you the most upset, I'm sorry but the hotel,meal and condoms would have pissed me off the most.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't know if this helps you or not, but here goes.


I am a HD Adventurous guy and my wife is more a LD conservative woman. I get in the mood quite easily were as she does not. Our relationship is great and we've been through a lot together. Married over 16 years. We seldom fight and get along quite nicely. Lots of cuddling on the couch, talking, doing things together or having our own space. But none of that changes the fact I am a HD adventurous hubby. I could have adventurous sex and physical contact every day and sometimes multiple times a day if I'm really in the mood. My wife could have sex 1x month, maybe 2x month, conservative, doggy and only once each time. I was and still am sexually and physically starved for the most part. I've just gotten used to it at this point, so I bought myself a sex toy to take care of business when it hits me. I used to frequent chat sites and flirted with many women. Some even sent pics. Porn was an almost daily thing for me because my wife is LD conservative. As I got older, my sex drive is much more controllable now and my porn viewing is maybe 1x every few months. Now our marriage is great in all respects, just not sexually and physically. Yet my wife thinks everything is great because we've been through so much together over our 16+ years of marriage.

I've heard that if a woman takes care of her mans needs (sexually), she will have a happy and faithful man. I've heard that from a few couples already.

If my wife was HD adventurous, my needs would be met and I never would of become sexually and physically starved, chatted and flirted with many ladies and viewed porn. My interest in other women and porn is zero when she actually takes care of my needs. I honestly forget about porn and don't even look at other ladies.

I like:

- oiled breast jobs
- oiled foot jobs
- lots of oral
- anal is she's adventurous
- any and all toys
- using a vib on her
- using a hollow strap on "big" for her
- love the wetness and mess
- etc., etc, etc.

She is LD conservative so none of this happens yet she knows I would love it.


Could be sexual mismatch?

Take the 5 love languages quiz separately and compare results.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/


I am Physical rating 12 and my wife is Acts of service rating 12.
I am HD adventurous and she is LD conservative


Again, if this doesn't help you, I apologize. Just trying to get you to see this from a HD guys standpoint, if that's the case.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He has in the past gone on various dating/hook up sites. He is doing it presently.

He met a woman and accepted her contact info. He then arranged to meet her for lunch and sex. He bought condoms and paid for a hotel, but claims nothing happened.

Seems to me he is a serial cheater and he is a better liar than you give him credit for. He won't own his behavior, but blames it on being bullied as a child. Because, somehow, being bullied as a child means not knowing right from wrong and having zero self control as an adult...

Not only will he not own his behavior, but he won't seek help in order to cease said behavior.

My advice? Either accept that your DH will have the occasional affair and turn a blind eye or leave.

Why does he "almost cheat"? The simple answer is because he wants to.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

As far as I am concern .......
I asked very calmly ......
I do believe that nothing happened ......
I believe that he is not capable of cheating ........
I imagine that being bullied .........
This is what I am most interested in ......
I do not want him to actually cheat ......
I want him to figure out why he has a desire ........
I think that will help him .........
I have spent the morning thinking ........
I think that if he does not stop ............
How do I help him ........
What types of questions should I be asking .....
I do not know that there is usually some other factor ...........
I refuse to believe that things just are because they are .....
I will provide some guidance ...........

Emilia ~
YOU are the ONLY one who cares.
HE does NOT care.
YOU must get YOURSELF out of this horrible case of DENIAL.
VH


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I do believe that nothing happened.


Sadly, I don't believe nothing happened. 

He is gaslighting you.

Please get checked for STDs. (Condoms are not 100% effective against STDs)

And keep a watchful eye on him.


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I do not know what exactly to do next but counseling sounds like a good step. 

(_In my original post, i said that he refuses to see a therapist ... actually, this is what he has said in general about therapy in general for any sort of issue not necessarily for the current problem. So, hopefully this is a recourse that he proposes, and if he doesn't, I will._)

I found all of this out this morning and have spent the day reading and writing and thinking. I do not believe that I can easily toss seven years of investment and do believe that people make mistakes for which consequences exist. Whether we can recover this I am unsure but I do think we are worth trying. Once I have given it my all and am made certain that he has too, then a re-evaluation will need to occur. 

Yes, perhaps I am too trusting or naive or whatever but I choose to believe part of his story. I do not know how not to be in denial or whether being unbiased will ever be possible. I believe a relationship is built on trust and communication. I am uncertain whether or not something happened, or if I will ever know the truth, or if there is a fuller truth than what I currently know--I do however, know that the intent is sufficient to break up the so-called trust and communication that maintain a strong relationship. And, he has done that, of that I am sure.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please at least do the STD check.


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## lovecat (Jul 31, 2015)

He absolutely did cheat with her.

He doesn't seem the least bit remorseful. He continued the online dating/flirting etc. which he promised to stop.

Boot him out so he can have time to think about things.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

If you continue the relationship make sure you get passwords to everything, if he will give it to you( If not walk). For sure get checked for STDs and make one of the conditions that he does too, and you want to see the test results(better yet go with him).

He also needs to understand that he lost all privacy on his phone and computer,and that you will randomly check it whenever you feel like you need to. 

You need to make the conditions for the relationship to continue tough, do not rug sweep or he will keep cheating. Only if he is willing to go along with your conditions do you give him the time of day.

I do have a feeling you just got a trickle story of what he has done, I have a feeling that you will find out more and more of what he has been up to behind your back as you ask questions.

I for one could not stand to stay in my relationship, but there was more going on in mine then just the cheating. I wish you luck for whatever you decide.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You decided to stay with this man. Best of luck for you.

Are you OK with him working with this woman five days a week ?
Some members told you to do a STD test. Please do it.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I used to joke that my husband could never lie to me. I believed with complete & utter certainty that he wasn't capable of cheating on me. I went into shock when I discovered his betrayal.

I'm sorry, truly sorry. I think you're only just discovering the rabbit hole. You have no idea how deep it goes!

He's lost his privilege of privacy. Snoop! Snoop NOW before he erases all the evidence. Check his CC, email, social media, telephone, EVERYTHING! I didn't! Even after finding the receipt for her mothers day flowers I believed him when he said that they were just friends.

Or did I believe him? Really? That was when I discovered forums like this one!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you are in denial. Your husband had sex with another woman. These expenses should be spent on you. He stole funds from your marital assets. You still can't believe that he is capable of cheating. In addition, he shows no remorse and lies.

You said that you have seven years invested in this marriage (only 2 years married). Can you envision 50 years in this environment? You will lose your mind. Wake up!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Please wake up, he slept with her. It's more likely that he did than didn't. The odds are that his affair went physical at least that one time. Hotel room and condoms are not used by cheaters to just talk. That's what the lunch was for. 

Denial is a terrible coping mechanism Emilia. You need to sit him down and ask for full disclosure or he leaves. He will not respect you if you treat this terrible disrespect any other way. Bully crap my azz. He is an adult, a married one; he broke promises and vows. He can't get away with just a slap on the hand. 

You are his wife, you are not his mommy to forgive and forget her poor bullied baby $hit. He did something terrible to YOU. He betrayed your trust, love, relationship, and vows. He needs to come clean. He needs to work on repairing the damage he has done to his partner and the marriage. If he doesn't do this, you might as well just set yourself free via divorce or accept that he will never respect you again. Why should he? With all the evidence piled against him you believed his BS.

I am sorry I am harsh, but come on, paid a hotel room to just talk?

If he has gotten on dating sites before, he was cheating before too. He is a serial cheater. Only problem this time is that you let him lie to you with all the evidence to kick his cheating a$$ out. You think you have too much time invested in this relationship To let it go? You didn't cheat. He did. He pissed on your investment (the marriage). It sucks, but that is the awful truth.

You are investing in a serial cheater. Talking to women online is emotional investment that takes away from your marriage and you. It also disrespects YOU and the vows he promised to you to forsake all others. 

Emotional affairs are adultery too. He was having emotional affairs with those women on those dating sites. I wouldn't be surprised if there is evidenced of other emotional affairs turned physical in the past. After all your denial is extremely deep. You really need therapy Emilia. Your gut should of not given you peace when you first discovered he was getting online and hooking up with women to chat and God only knows what else. 

Please do something to get your self respect back.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

"Almost" cheated?

Dunno about that.

"Cheated and (almost) got away with it" is more like it.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am sorry you are here.

But sweetie, you need to wake up.

He cheated on you. No one goes to a hotel and then not hook up.

Sometimes people can really pull the wool over your eyes.

As for the posts that say you aren't keeping him happy in the sex department - I don't know if that is true or not. For some, even if you are willing to meet all their needs, they may still go elsewhere.

I never thought my first husband or my second husband would ever cheat on me. Guess what, they both did. The first one had OCD so bad he couldn't touch the door knobs in his own home without racing to the faucet to scrub all the disease off his hands. I used to think,...well at least I know he will never cheat on me. But he did, with a stranger in a bar and didn't use a condom either. This is not the reason we divorced however.

the second husband was a sweet, caring, quiet guy that would do anything for anyone. I thought I hit the jackpot for husbands! You can read my story to find out what happened there. 

My point is, never believe that someone is incapable of doing something like that. 

Virtual hugs to you!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I use to think I could tell when my ex was lying as well. Turns out I could only tell the lies he didn't mind getting caught telling. I used to think my ex was incapable of cheating. Turns out he was quite capable. 

Sorry, this sucks for you. It's horrible to love someone or the idea of someone and then find out what monsters they really are.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

BlueWoman said:


> I use to think I could tell when my ex was lying as well. Turns out I could only tell the lies he didn't mind getting caught telling. I used to think my ex was incapable of cheating. Turns out he was quite capable.
> 
> Sorry, this sucks for you. It's horrible to love someone or the idea of someone and then find out what monsters they really are.



Yes, OP! What Blue says above. You cannot always tell when someone is lying.

I can tell NOW when he is lying. But it's too late. I only figured it out when I confronted with black and white evidence and he continued to deny. I watched his face, tone and mannerisms very closely. This also explained why he was so quiet and never really showed much emotion in his conversations. He had a lot to hide.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I came to figure out my H was lying when he'd get angry. If he was caught and confronted, he'd get pissed. If I continued to confront with more evidence, he'd get more pissed. 

My h has always told me he'd never cheat on me. Come to find out, that just meant physically. He's always made a huge deal about cheating. Would roll his eyes if I ever brought it up. Had said to me many times, "you bring it up so much, I might as well do it!"

Come to realize, he's been cheating on me with porn and having an EA for 10 years. I say cheating with porn because he would watch after I expressed my insecurities about it, hide, erase, lie and deny when confronted. 

I still think he physically cheated at some point, I just can't prove it. 

But then there's the part of me that says "but he's always said he'd never cheat!"

In his eyes he hasn't, in mine, he has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you are being gullible here.

Try this: Tell him that he should want to prove his honesty and faithfulness to you with a polygraph. See how he responds. He'll either agree and then trickle out some truth, or refuse for a reason that is part of the cheater's script. If he agrees, he will hope that you are reassured by his assent that he is being honest and will expect you to drop it. If you follow through, though, you'll have a much better approximation of what he has really been up to by the day of the polygraph because he will trickle out more of the truth.

This is what I think -

- He definitely slept with her at the motel.
- He has done this before, probably multiple times.
- He has much more incriminating behavior reflected in his e-mail, phone, and on his computer. He may have secret e-mail accounts, a burner phone, etc.

Sorry, but you should not feel so confident that you know him.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If you are buying that story that they went to a motel room (with condoms:surprise just to talk... would you be interested in a bridge for sale? It has a lot of traffic in a good location! >


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You really need to look at his past credit card bills, since he uses it for his affairs. You will find all you need there. Also check his phone regularly, his email (trash.) Sadly, you wonderful, honest, caring husband who would never lie or cheat on you is an experienced serial cheater.

He may also be a sex addict.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In the UK and probably the USA if someone is stopped by the police and searched and found to be carrying a kit of burglary tools the "Well, I planned to burgle a house, but I decided not to burgle it after all" defence would not work. 

Because the police would arrest him for 'going equipped to steal.'

Your husband was 'going equipped to cheat' and he says he didn't do it in the end.

But he wants to cheat on you. Which is bad enough, especially when it gets to the condom and motel room stage.

You need to sort out a lie detector session of the Jeremy Kyle variety.
1 have you ever passionately kissed someone other than your wife?
2 Have you ever had any sexual contact with someone other than your wife?
3 Have you ever had sexual intercourse with anyone other than your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

He did cheat, you know?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emilia, sorry he cheated and he is trickle truthing you. He is not remorseful and you are the one making all the excuses. Find your inner strength and anger, what he has done is totally unacceptable, stop trying to minimise it or justify it to yourself, you are only in denial. He will not change, he has no reason to, because the standards you are setting for him are far too low.
If you played your cards right, he would be the one bending over backwards to make it up to you for what he has done.

Incidentally, no one buys condoms, goes to a motel with OW and sits and chats! You are very naive. 

Light a fire under his a$$ ASAP, you have to have some self worth and not allow your WH to treat you like this. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a life of looking over your shoulder. This is no basis for a marriage.

1. Do not help him cover this up by rug sweeping and minimising. The reality of what he has done, must hit your first. Tell your family and friends, let him deal with the fall out and shame
2. tell him he must go into therapy NOW, if not move out!
3. Get yourself some IC
4. Contact a lawyer and ask for advice, be prepared for your WH denials, protestations, promises, justifications, etc, do not fall for any of it. Look at his actions, words mean nothing.
5. Stop justifying, helping, etc , you are the one wronged in this case, act like it!


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

He wanted to talk but before we talked, I told him it was over and that he had to leave. He brought his father over to help him move his things out. He packed everything and cried through it. His father gave us a speech and burst into tears begging us to talk. Then my husband said he wanted to talk and so the conversation is ongoing. He is not a grand gesture kind of person, but I am. Although has apologized his way, I'm the hopeless romantic that wants a grand gesture type of apology. But not going to get that from him. Recently (like last month) he bought me love cards but never actually wrote anything in them. He's just strange like that. Like he doesn't know how to do this romance stuff. Even on Valentine's days, he'll get multiple cards and just sign his name. That's who he is so I'm not getting this monologue of an apology I would probably give.

So I told him it was over and I've been pretty emotionless through it all. But I was faking this. I faked it when I told him it was over. In fact, I was only saying that to gauge his response. I told him that I didn't love him as much as I thought I did and so I thanked him for doing this because now we can part ways. He bought it all. I was faking it because I still want to be together and work it out but I had to play hardball so that he sees that this is really, really bad. I also wanted to hurt him and imagined that having to pack his stuff would help deepen that hurt plus having to tell his father about the split would shame him further. His father breaking down made it that much more painful. I haven't even cried in front of him. I would typically not play this game but felt compelled to try it and see what happens. I say I am faking this alter ego of not caring because I don't quite believe in divorce, although this experience has really shaken that belief. But I would want him to forgive me if I ever engaged in an affair too. We signed up for something, our marriage means that we keep on fighting until we have exhausted all plausible options/resources. It may sound really stupid but I do think we need to give it our all before we call it quits. I think I still have more to give and think he does too. 

What he did is not justifiable and it was definitely an emotional affair. This sucks. But we can at least try to see if we can move past it. And, if we cannot move past it then, at least we will know that we tried.

I asked him what he wants from me and I told him what I want. We talked about changes (changes in ourselves to be better people + changes we want from each other), like actionable changes not just in things that cannot quite be measured. Although I do trust and have never wanted to get so caught up in the control asserted by having usernames + passwords, checking phones, etc., I see the context behind it that so many of you have mentioned. It helps maintain a level of transparency. And so I said these are the things I want (taken from all the stuff you've all posted on the thread): close all email and social media accounts except for the 'legitimate' ones, create a list of users + passwords to all including cc, email, etc., std check, therapy/counseling to begin this week. His only 'demand' from me was to give him another chance and start from zero and not to bring up the past and throw it in his face. I told him we are now going to 'negotiate' and if we accept each others terms then it's going to take a long time before we can go back to 'happy' which he kept saying how he just wants us to be happy again. For how long should I negotiate? I said he needs to get the std test this week and that I want to start therapy this week too. I guess I want him to concede to all my 'demands' within today. He's not excited about it but I told him that I need transparency and his willingness to give me all that will be his way of demonstrating that there isn't anything further to hide. These 'demands' from my part don't even seem very complicated but more than anything, I think they hurt he's ego by deeming me more control. It's like what I am asking for chisels at his code of honor type of attitude that he claims is 'unchangeable,' which I think is macho driven. His words are typically, "you can't change me." So annoyed by these words because he doesn't see what I see that we all change and that change is inevitable. I think he equates change with control, as in if I am asking that he 'change' certain things, I have control over him. This is stupid and not at all how I see it. I think this is where therapy will be good-- in addition to the jacked up stuff he's done. 

Last night, he slept on the floor in the living room. His choice. I never suggested this, in fact, never even crossed my mind. This is probably what he thinks he deserves and he can sleep there all he wants. He's lucky he's sleeping in our apartment at all!! 

I didn't think I had this in me. I'm holding in all my desire to try to work things out. Have shared here and only told this to my sister but I won't tell him or even hint that I'm 'faking' it otherwise he won't just take a hand but will take my freakin arm! 

With the holidays here, do I do the same things that we used to do together like get a christmas tree? We have a vacation planned for christmas, do we take it? Our anniversary is in less than a week, do I even say anything?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

emilia527 said:


> He wanted to talk but before we talked, I told him it was over and that he had to leave. He brought his father over to help him move his things out. He packed everything and cried through it. His father gave us a speech and burst into tears begging us to talk. Then my husband said he wanted to talk and so the conversation is ongoing. He is not a grand gesture kind of person, but I am. Although has apologized his way, I'm the hopeless romantic that wants a grand gesture type of apology. But not going to get that from him. Recently (like last month) he bought me love cards but never actually wrote anything in them. He's just strange like that. Like he doesn't know how to do this romance stuff. Even on Valentine's days, he'll get multiple cards and just sign his name. That's who he is so I'm not getting this monologue of an apology I would probably give.
> 
> So I told him it was over and I've been pretty emotionless through it all. But I was faking this. I faked it when I told him it was over. In fact, I was only saying that to gauge his response. I told him that didn't love him as much as I thought I did and so I thanked him for doing this because now we can part ways. He bought it all. I was faking it because I still want to be together and work it out but I had to play hardball so that he sees that this is really, really bad. I also wanted to hurt him and imagined that having to pack his stuff would help deepen that hurt plus having to tell his father about the split would shame him further. His father breaking down made it that much more painful. I haven't even cried in front of him. I would typically not play this game but felt compelled to try it and see what happens. I say I am faking this alter ego of not caring because I don't quite believe in divorce, although this experience has really shaken that belief. But I would want him to forgive me if I ever engaged in an affair too. We signed up for something, we signed up to fight for what we believe in. It may sound really stupid but I do think we need to give it our all before we call it quits. I think I still have more to give and think he does too.
> 
> ...


I agree with him on one point: you can't change him.

No one can change someone else; that person has to change himself.

Other than that, you seem to be doing the right things. You have to show him what he is going to lose if he doesn't straighten up right away, and that is what you are doing. I understand it's hard to fake not being interested in reconciliation, but you have to do that or he will just fall back into his old ways!

As for the holidays, what do *you *want to do? If you want to take that vacation, do it. The same goes for the christmas tree and any other "family traditions". If *you *want to do them, do them. Don't do them just because he wants to do them.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't care if he actually had sex or not, though he probably did. Maybe he's done this several times.

You need to find out *why* he is doing this. I believe that if a persons "reason" for cheating doesn't go away, then they will keep doing it - there is no way you can monitor / track someone enough to prevent it. 

The reason can be as simple as "he is a selfish bastard who feels free to do whatever he wants". That won't change - he will just continue to cheat. Its up to you if you want to stay with him (only YOU can decide that).

The reason can be that he feels he is missing something at home. respect? some sexual act? excitement? novelty? If you can find out what it is, you can decide if it is reasonable for him to want it, and if you can provide it. you DO NOT need to do this - this is not your problem it is his. But expect him to continue to cheat if he doesn't get what he wants.


He is completely in the wrong here. You have every right to leave him, and in fact that is what most people would recommend. I don't think it makes sense to try to keep him from cheating again - there really is nothing you can do. Eventually you will catch him again, he will have some excuse and you will be back where you are now.


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I don't care if he actually had sex or not, though he probably did. Maybe he's done this several times.
> 
> You need to find out *why* he is doing this. I believe that if a persons "reason" for cheating doesn't go away, then they will keep doing it - there is no way you can monitor / track someone enough to prevent it.
> ...


YES!! You get me. 

What you're saying is very much what drove me to post my original message. I think I can never ever stop him and I don't want to be that person who thinks they can. But I do think that we can achieve attempting to cultivate a different culture together. Therapy will perhaps teach us the skills to encourage a different type of dialogue via practicing different exercises we may not be currently doing. This way we can get closer to understand what motivates our actions. He's not a very reflexive person. As a result, he misses the potential value that therapy brings. He also doesn't 'believe' in therapy because thinks it's taboo. In any case, at one point, we'll need to move on from therapy. I definitely believe that it will help guide us into the type of communication that ought to occur in order to reach a different level in what is left of the marriage and actually attempt rebuilding, and/or do it simultaneously. But our relationship ought to be able to stand on its own. 

I believe that a marriage is a partnership where people support each other in becoming better humans while at the same time using that as a platform to become better people as individuals. These relationships are intertwined and can be independent but even then, there's an effect from the partner's presence at all times. I have learned so much about myself through my relationship with him. Unfortunately, I don't think he can say the same. He's a different type of human and I respect that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if you continue to do this by the seat of your pants you're going to have Dday after Dday.

You tell him to leave but have no plan to follow through. He already knows who you are and how you think, and no doubt understood that his tears would dissuade you. And they would, since you hadn't made a real decision to have him leave.

Look, I get that you don't want to give up on your marriage. Most people don't. But the respectful partnership you want isn't there on either side - he's cheating, having sex in motels, and you're lying about kicking him out of the house. You're both strategizing and manipulating.

He is on dating sites and is setting up play dates with other women. You still call the one you caught an EA. He says he wants to stay but doesn't want his cheating brought up between the two of you. You are both in denial about what constitutes a respectful partnership.

Honesty, respect, trust are what you want, not game playing.

If you really want a chance, do some serious reading to start: Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, for example.

Flying by the seat of your particular pants will do nothing but land you on your as*s, in my opinion.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what it's boiling down to:

He wants a guarantee that it's going to work out and a guarantee that you'll drop it. He wants that because he knows he's guilty. You know it too, right? And he knows that the majority of marriages with infidelity don't work out. So he's guaging the odds to see if it's worthwhile trying.

And the thing you have to take from all that is:

#1 he's not really sorry, which means that he won't really reconcile, and that he'll probably do it again (if he ever stopped).

#2 that you don't need him, you need a good lawyer.

I'm sorry. He doesn't love you, nor has he for a long time. That's not on you -- that's on him. 

What you need to figure out is why you wanted to buy his story so easily to begin with, and why you want to reconcile so badly with him when he's the one that threw his marriage away.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

emilia527 said:


> He wanted to talk but before we talked, I told him it was over and that he had to leave. He brought his father over to help him move his things out. He packed everything and cried through it. His father gave us a speech and burst into tears begging us to talk. Then my husband said he wanted to talk and so the conversation is ongoing. He is not a grand gesture kind of person, but I am. Although has apologized his way, I'm the hopeless romantic that wants a grand gesture type of apology. But not going to get that from him. Recently (like last month) he bought me love cards but never actually wrote anything in them. He's just strange like that. Like he doesn't know how to do this romance stuff. Even on Valentine's days, he'll get multiple cards and just sign his name. That's who he is so I'm not getting this monologue of an apology I would probably give.
> 
> 
> If he really loves you, and realizes that communication from his own mouth, not from a writer at a card company is something you are no longer willing to live without (or you will leave him) he will find his voice. Do not settle for less than what you need from him. You will be much happier alone than living with someone who refuses to, or is incapable of giving you what you need.
> ...


 Do whatever *you* want to do. Do not make any of your decisions as a couple regarding decorating your house. He needs to come to the house knowing it is YOUR house, not "Our" house. Let him feel that things are changing, if he doesn't become the faithful husband he should have always been. 

When is the vacation?

I would let the anniversary come and go. It is going to do nothing but cause you pain. There is another website where they call anniversaries after infidelity, "Antiversary." I felt that way for several years.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I feel sorry for you @emilia527. I know it hurts and it is going to be even harder but you need to do something for yourself.

You know nobody is going to respect you if you dont respect yourself.

Make a decision. Dont go from one to another. Be sure what you want in your life. Dont think about tomorrow but think about next 10-20 years.

Do you really want to sleep with one open eye and always check on your husband phone and think where is he and what is he doing ?

Reading your previous post he is not sorry for what he did to you. He would be happy if he can continue doing it.

I would file for Divorce but it is my opinion.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

emilia527 said:


> We have a vacation planned for christmas, do we take it?


Why not take your sister? I honestly don't think that you'll enjoy the vacation together right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

emilia527 said:


> I do not believe that I can easily toss seven years of investment and do believe that people make mistakes for which consequences exist.


So what's the consequence? You already said he 'won't go' to a therapist. What's left?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

emilia527 said:


> but I had to play hardball so that he sees that this is really, really bad.
> 
> We signed up for something, our marriage means that we keep on fighting until we have exhausted all plausible options/resources. It may sound really stupid but I do think we need to give it our all before we call it quits. I think I still have more to give and think he does too.
> 
> But we can at least try to see if we can move past it. And, if we cannot move past it then, at least we will know that we tried.


I love your willingness to fight and work it out, while still being determined about what you need from him to repair things. I think you should abide by the law of no 3rd chances though. If you have asked him for full disclosure, and another past affair comes up, or you catch him again, then his odds of being able to change plummet.



alte Dame said:


> I think if you continue to do this by the seat of your pants you're going to have Dday after Dday.
> 
> You tell him to leave but have no plan to follow through. He already knows who you are and how you think, and no doubt understood that his tears would dissuade you. And they would, since you hadn't made a real decision to have him leave.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Good reading material will shore up your determination, and help you make a long term plan for what you will do, regardless of what he does.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

turnera said:


> emilia527 said:
> 
> 
> > I do not believe that I can easily toss seven years of investment and do believe that people make mistakes for which consequences exist.
> ...


Sorry you're here but you're doing great. From total acceptance and rug sweeping to throwing him out - bravo! Yes there are things to do now to clear your mind, set goals, objectives, deadlines etc but you will get advice here to help you through that.

Re "7 years invested"... you can chuck that thought out the window I'm sorry to say. Yes 7 years have passed, but they've passed for the rest of us too. You will not get a better "return" on that investment in him than the "return" you'd get on some new handsome man. And if the past is any indication of the future I'm certain there are better ways to invest your time, effort and affection.

We are a product of our past and past relationships. You've already gotten some good value so accept that and see where you want to invest your next 7 years.

If there is any hope for your relationship it has to come out of his remorse - not sadness at being caught - but remorse for hurting you and destroying your marriage and squandering your trust.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emilia, you seem to have found some strength within you, of course you want your marriage to work who doesn't?
However there is a difference between reading and analysing (you seem to do a lot of this) and actually following through. In short what consequences has your WH faced since you discovered this, none tbh except sleeping on the floor to which I say 'so what' men get to do that for much lesser infractions!

You have just backed down from kicking him out, given in to his tears, etc so now he knows you are not going to set boundaries at all. He knows the rules of the game and when you settle into the routine of life, the same feeling arise, boredom, etc he will do it again. You have to follow through on your consequences.

Therapy should help but I do not see any willingness on your WH's part.He does not seem remorseful except for the fact he got caught (hence the crying when packing his stuff). You are the one trying to scramble and sort out things (therapy etc) what has he actually done to undo the damage he has caused, nothing!

if you do not follow through now, and stay with him, prepare for a life of this turmoil. 

I would still ask him to move out to his father's. Do the therapy together only, do not spend Christmas with him, go no contact, do Christmas stuff with your sister, ask you sister to come stay and go on vacation together. What your WH has done is serious, you still think it is a EA, I guarantee you it is a PA, you have to stop denying the severity and over analysing everything and justifying it, use your heart instead of your head. 

You tell him, he screwed up, you may have contributed (find that out from therapy). You will put the effort into therapy but there are no promises, he needs to help you heal and undo the damage he has done, nothing more or nothing less.

BTW, about the issue of control, this is something all men fear not matter how good they are to their wives. A W needs to respect her H, sometimes a difficult thing when they don't seem to deserve it. Read Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerich.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wait - I'm confused - I thought he was out of the house??


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wait - I'm confused - I thought he was out of the house??


No she was bluffing, we have a massive rugsweep on aisle nine.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm glad you took the first step, I know it was not easy for you it never is. But you have to stay strong, do not give him a little or he will take it all. 

I'm sorry but he should feel uncomfortable and ashamed, and he has no right to suggest you never bring it up again it is not in the past until you say so. You are the one that needs to heal from this deceit, and it is not up to him on how long it takes you to feel secure in the marriage and you need to let him know that. 

Only you know your husband, but I can tell you this he will play the sympathy card on you and try to make this all your fault, the most important thing for you to understand is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

There is nothing you did that made him do what he had done to destroy his own marriage, he did that all on his own.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

And please change the heading of your post, it is misleading, he DID cheat, regardless of EA, PA, whatever. Emilia, you are your own worst enemy, face what he has done.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Lostme said:


> he should feel uncomfortable and ashamed, *he has no right to suggest you never bring it up again and it is not in the past until you say so.* You are the one that needs to heal from this deceit, and *it is not up to him on how long it takes you to feel secure in the marriage* and you need to let him know that.
> 
> *There is nothing you did that made him do what he had done to destroy his own marriage, he did that all on his own*.


^^^^^^^read this again.^^^^^^^


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

Have read all of your messages... I feel so stupid... and really confused...
Just wanted to say thank you for helping me develop a spine. TBH I am not even angry yet but your messages are helping me identify these whirl-like feelings and label them. Unsure why I haven't reacted just yet. Going to sleep on it and be back tomorrow.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yes get some rest. A lot to process


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Well denial is very hard to penetrate. You also don't have experience in dealing with disloyalty from the person that should have your back like you have his. This $hit is hard. Very emotional and quite confusing. You want to believe that it will work out and he will see that you two had something worth saving. Sadly, it doesn't look one bit promising. 

Remorse and full disclosure on his part are two good indicators that reconciliation is the road to go and there is a chance for the marriage to survive this terrible storm. He is not remorseful and he wants to rug weep everything. Please hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the hand you have been dealt. 

Keep in mind that you didn't mess up, he did. With this said, you cannot fix what you didn't mess up. That is why this adultery thing is brutal and so destructive to marriages. The majority of cheaters don't have the balls or the ovaries to fix the mess they make. They are weak and selfish. The betrayed spouse is stronger and knows the value of the relationship, but all your love, strength, willingness to fix the marriage, and perserverence are worth nothing if the cheater doesn't value the relationship. Obviously, the majority don't since they stepped outside of it in the first place. 

That is why almost all marriages become a casualty after infidelity. The spouse that didn't break it is eager to fix it, but that spouse can't fix it, the weaker and selfish one did. It's a lost battle...sigh.


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## gregcy (Dec 1, 2015)

I just signed in and th is is my first post 
No marriage is perfect , just it depends on the couple on how to go ahead with such a problems as no one is Saint at the end 

Sent from my D6633 using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> Well denial is very hard to penetrate. You also don't have experience in dealing with disloyalty from the person that should have your back like you have his. This $hit is hard. Very emotional and quite confusing. You want to believe that it will work out and he will see that you two had something worth saving. Sadly, it doesn't look one bit promising.
> 
> Remorse and full disclosure on his part are two good indicators that reconciliation is the road to go and there is a chance for the marriage to survive this terrible storm. He is not remorseful and he wants to rug weep everything. Please hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the hand you have been dealt.
> 
> ...


Wow Bibi you nailed it!

I've thought about remorse - what it is and why it rarely comes. Instead you see regret, sorrow, and even anguish when the BS leaves, but these are all self directed emotions - "look at what I've lost!"

Was following lonely husband's thread and he said his son said WW was hysterical on the phone (LH decisively left the 30 year marriage within 3 weeks of finding out she cheated). I would love it if LH had told WW this:

"You know all the sorrow, regret, anguish, loss, panic, doubt, etc you feel for YOUR LOSS because I am leaving? If only you had felt those feelings for ME first, I might be staying."

But our brains aren't wired that way I guess. Once we make it about us over our partner, it's difficult to get that empathy back.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

emilia527 said:


> Have read all of your messages... I feel so stupid... and really confused...
> Just wanted to say thank you for helping me develop a spine. TBH I am not even angry yet but your messages are helping me identify these whirl-like feelings and label them. Unsure why I haven't reacted just yet. Going to sleep on it and be back tomorrow.


I was sad before I got angry, but when angry hit it did so hard.The angry gave me the strength I needed to do what was best for me.

I did not reconcile nor did I want to he was not worth it. He did not care about our vows so I thought why should I care about the until death do us part, part of me was dead so I left and divorced.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

emilia527 said:


> I happened to open his cc bill and saw a motel charge.





emilia527 said:


> He enjoys the cheap thrill of women





emilia527 said:


> I do believe that nothing happened.


Do you believe in Santa Claus too? 

Because that's more probable to not be fantasy.



emilia527 said:


> YES!! You get me.


I get you too. 

You're a desperately insecure person with incredibly low self esteem. So much so, that you are able to delude yourself into thinking he didn't fvck this girl and probably countless others in order to find some way to justify salvaging this relationship with a scumbag loser.

Get the long term individual counseling you desperately need. 7 years is meaningless, don't be another victim of the sunk cost fallacy. He not worth another 7 seconds.


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

Yesterday I got home and got the angriest I've been since this all happened. He had unpacked everything and put it back in the closets. Um... excuse me?? He's stepping all over everything I'd said!!! What gives him the entitlement to do that without checking with me first? Oh yeah, I've been letting him step all over me. I've embraced this fictitious story of so called faking it (see older posts)... I guess I needed to start somewhere. But now it's different. 

Now, I mean it and so I was ready to tell him that he needs to re-pack everything and get out. But, he agreed to everything I said I needed without any further hesitation. His words, "Yes, I agree to everything, I have no other choice." In the meantime, we have an understanding not to be home at the same time and we will meet on Sunday plus he's still sleeping on the floor... So I take this as his negotiation. He'll concede to all of my requests, and he gets to stay here. No more playing over who has the most power. What's done is done and need to move on and away from succumbing to games (someone suggested this earlier). 

All the advice on here, some pretty harsh and more than I can handle but a lot of really good stuff has helped me make decisions and also try to locate some anger. I'm angry at him but also at myself for being so foolish and gullible while at the same time trying to stay away from self judgment. 

I've been writing mostly and it's been beneficial to keep my positive spirits up. I refuse to let this consume me. My marriage does not define me. 

Thank you all for your support through this mess of a life.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Good for you standing your grounds, please keep updating your thread I personally would like to know you are doing okay. I know it is hard, and good for you facing one of the hardest things in life, as you move past this as long as he continues to do what is necessary to fully win you back you will come out a braver, stronger woman. 

Just take it one day at a time and if you feel he is pushing you to much, just remind him, that it will all take some time. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> 7 years is meaningless, don't be another victim of the *suck cost fallacy*.


I think we have a new term for the error in question.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

emilia527 said:


> *No more playing over who has the most power. *What's done is done and need to move on and away from succumbing to games (someone suggested this earlier).


E,

The Balance of Power. You have the POWER in marriage now, regardless of R or D, use it now. Get the TRUTH now. Believe this, it has a shelf life. Word of caution. If you do R, the cheater will attempt to reclaim that balance little by little, it's who they are. Cheaters need to be reminded that R is a gift that can be taken away at anytime, no reason needed. They forfeited all rights the moment they betrayed.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

E -

You have a laundry list of easy things to achieve now. Action is good. Emotional maelstroms are bad. You need to do do do things - you need this sense of empowerment!

- he needs to provide you a written timeline of his affair down to the smallest minute detail. This has to be his 'final truth' and you need to be clear on this. You're too good for this trickle truth crap and it'll just kill reconciliation anyhow so best to get it over with

- schedule a poly to verify the timeline, do not tell him you are doing this.

- see a lawyer so that you know your options and to file divorce papers. You said that you don't want to divorce, but you also need to put your foot down. IF HE CONTINUES THE AFFAIR OR THE BEHAVIOR THAT CAUSED THE AFFAIR THEN HE HAS TAKEN THAT CHOICE FROM YOU AND YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED. He's also one of those take a mile and give a foot guys - he needs to be told 'no more crap, here are the consequences'

- upon giving you his timeline you will require possession of his mobile phone. You will be doing a forensic recovery on it (there are simple guides here) but don't tell him, otherwise the phone will end up mysteriously in a toilet.

- immediate and unconditional No Contact. If that means one of them has to leave their jobs then, well, that's a consequence of their decisions

- Do you know if his girlfriend has a significant other? The reason all he wants from you is a complete rug sweep is because he is gauging his odds of you vs her. If there are no guarantees then there is a strong chance that if you maintain vigilance that you'll find broken No Contact 

- journal here or privately. Straight out you're a emotional disaster now. As you should be. Journaling is going to keep you honest with yourself. The little person who sits on your shoulder talking to you as you stare at the ceiling at 3am knows the truth. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

HE CHEATED! HE CHEATED FOR YEARS. THERE ARE FLOODS AND FLOODS OF EVIDENCE. HE'S OUT OF THE APT NOW. MADE HIM DO IT RIGHT AWAY. MADE HIM TAKE ALL THE WEDDING STUFF INCLUDING MY WEDDING DRESS. 

I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT AND FEEL LIKE S***. CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS SO BLIND. 

Can someone direct me to threads about how to cope with these crazy emotions? How do I do this? How long does this take?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Emilia.

Take a step back.

Take a deep breath.

Your emotions are normal. You need to understand this because if you understand this you can control them.

Right now the heavy lifting is done. Describe to us the evidence that you found. We don't really need to know specifically but what we do need is for you to acknowledge the reality of the situation, and writing it down will get you there.

What is real can be controlled. We need to turn these bogeymen in your head into real things so that we can kick their ass


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

He's a sociopath! He had a dating account and connected with hundreds if not thousands of women over the years. Connected with people from the Craigslist classifieds!!! His second cousin sent a naked pic!!!!! So gross. Years of this! Since 2010! It picked up last summer when I was away from home for work purposes. He'd respond saying that only specific times work for him. Specific times when he knew I was away at work.

He still denied ever sleeping with someone. Why? At this point why? Who cares! I don't. Not anymore at least. I hope he realizes how sick he is and gets some serious help. 

Someone said earlier he's not worth another 7 seconds. This is for sure.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm so sorry, and I hate being right that it was trickle truth that he was giving you. I know exactly how you feel, I was the same way when I found out my ex was cheating on me.

Make sure you get an std test, it is very important especially with the nasty craigslist hookups. The next few days will be the hardest, what worked for me was to think about all he had done to me it kept be angry and strong. 

Stay strong sweetie we are all hear for you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Google for help in dealing with sociopaths and narcissists. VERY IMPORTANT. There are forums for people recovering from these relationships. These people lie without guilt or remorse, but are plain evil if you want to leave. Be careful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you call his parents and tell them all of it. Then call your own family and ask them for support.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up. BS's are hardwired to want to believe trickle truth - mainly because they want to believe their spouse and they want to make the hurt go away.

I fell for it, and many other BS's here have as well. Probably most.

That's why this forum can be valuable tool to help differentiate the truth from the bullshyte. Although each cheating situation is unique; cheaters as a whole have an established pattern. When cheaters act a certain way or say certain things - we've seen it before.

I'm sorry. Get into counseling. Keep posting. We can advise you through the whole process. There will be no "We told you so's" from me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

emilia527 said:


> He's a sociopath! He had a dating account and connected with hundreds if not thousands of women over the years. Connected with people from the Craigslist classifieds!!! His second cousin sent a naked pic!!!!! So gross. Years of this! Since 2010! It picked up last summer when I was away from home for work purposes. He'd respond saying that only specific times work for him. Specific times when he knew I was away at work.
> 
> He still denied ever sleeping with someone. Why? At this point why? Who cares! I don't. Not anymore at least. I hope he realizes how sick he is and gets some serious help.
> 
> Someone said earlier he's not worth another 7 seconds. This is for sure.


Did he confess to these things or did you find evidence yourself?When you say "connect" do you mean actually meet?

Why deny having sex with anyone? Because you can't prove that he had sex with anyone at the moment. He's probably hoping he can rug sweep and get you to take him back, but knows that's highly unlikely if he comes clean and admits to sex.

I'm so sorry you've been hurt and betrayed like this. You didn't do anything but trust someone who didn't deserve your trust.


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Did he confess to these things or did you find evidence yourself?When you say "connect" do you mean actually meet?
> 
> Why deny having sex with anyone? Because you can't prove that he had sex with anyone at the moment. He's probably hoping he can rug sweep and get you to take him back, but knows that's highly unlikely if he comes clean and admits to sex.
> 
> I'm so sorry you've been hurt and betrayed like this. You didn't do anything but trust someone who didn't deserve your trust.



He provided his passwords and I found evidence of intent to meet up. Don't have any evidence of actual meetings taking place but they very much sound like it. Whether I have the evidence, I'm going to believe that all of it did happen to steer clear from potential rug sweeping. I think he's sick and needs help. I'm definitely not the person that can help him through this. Plus, if he really wanted help, he had my trust and could have asked for support somehow, you know in the last 5 years. He did say that he has "tried to stop" but if I buy into it, he gets it his way yet again. 

I keep replaying wedding vows in my head, "in sickness and in health." Need to stop this and focus on me not on helping someone who has no interest in helping himself. I'm not his mother or his psychologist. I spent too much time and effort trying to figure him out and clearly never really have.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he's not just being a typical cheating man who wants as much sex as he wants, married or not, then staying with you will NOT give him a reason to get help. Having to try to earn you BACK will give him a reason to get help. So hold firm.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Until I investigated I was believing my H. Why wouldn't I? We've shared a lifetime, shared everything...except this fantasy land crap! I'm so very sorry. I've got some anxiety medications & they do help as temporary measures to calm the insanity. I'm NOT depressed. I'm situationally depressed, which I translate to mean so very sad because of what he did to me, to us. It's ANXIETY that's causing my crazy. It's like shell shock, PTSD, the reality is so shocking that it doesn't match your prior reality.

Other than that I'd wait a bit. I found angry VERY important. I didn't sleep or eat for days when I first found out. That's bad for your body. I found blind anger GOOD for my mind. We're all different. My H messed with my head & convinced me that because of my recent health issues it was my fault. All I knew was "I'm a failure that no one could live with". It took me a long time to realize he as cheating & just reinventing our reality to justify his actions.

I've got 2 little kids. That makes things very complicated. The kind of depravity that you've discovered isn't forgivable & can't be recovered from without hitting rock bottom in my opinion. 

Best wishes. I'm so sorry. I've been through a lot in my life. This is the worst!


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

My heart goes out to you, there is no easy way forward, take a deep breath and take one day at a time, and one decision at a time. If your anything like me my head is spinning from what is happening in my life it's hard to decide if I want tea or coffee let alone making decisions on what to do first. Take care


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am sorry to hear that.

You need to find someone to talk with. Maybe some good friend or family member. Someone who is going to be there for you and listen to you.

Expose his Affairs. He is sick and cheaters always blame others.They try to be nice in front of others so you need to expose.

Dont do anything yet. Talk with your lawyer and see your options. Your marriage is dead and you have to stay strong,for your sake.

Try and get some off time from job. 

Best wishes to you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Yes stop thinking of the vows, he did. Do not let him sink you back in or you will be miserable for a long long time. Stay stong


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I'm so sorry this is how it ended up.

It almost sounds as if he gave you the passwords so you could find this out without him having to ADMIT to anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BrokenLady said:


> The kind of depravity that you've discovered isn't forgivable & can't be recovered from *without hitting rock bottom in my opinion. *


So true,

My fww had to auger in hard.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

emilia527 said:


> HE CHEATED! HE CHEATED FOR YEARS. THERE ARE FLOODS AND FLOODS OF EVIDENCE. HE'S OUT OF THE APT NOW. MADE HIM DO IT RIGHT AWAY. MADE HIM TAKE ALL THE WEDDING STUFF INCLUDING MY WEDDING DRESS.
> 
> I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT AND FEEL LIKE S***. CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS SO BLIND.
> 
> Can someone direct me to threads about how to cope with these crazy emotions? How do I do this? How long does this take?


Seek out relaxation videos on YouTube.

Look at the Social Zone on TAM for something to take your mind off what is happening.

We will be here for you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

What's next? 

Can it get more painful? If so, I'd like to experience that now instead of later. 

Should I go back to my empty apartment? Because this is so fresh, I know that right now I'll just cry and sleep there. And perhaps go through the cards/ memories. Last night I stayed over my sisters. Maybe stay elsewhere for a couple days?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

emilia527 said:


> He provided his passwords and I found evidence of intent to meet up. Don't have any evidence of actual meetings taking place but they very much sound like it. Whether I have the evidence, I'm going to believe that all of it did happen to steer clear from potential rug sweeping. I think he's sick and needs help. I'm definitely not the person that can help him through this. Plus, if he really wanted help, he had my trust and could have asked for support somehow, you know in the last 5 years. He did say that he has "tried to stop" but if I buy into it, he gets it his way yet again.
> 
> I keep replaying wedding vows in my head, "in sickness and in health." Need to stop this and focus on me not on helping someone who has no interest in helping himself. I'm not his mother or his psychologist. I spent too much time and effort trying to figure him out and clearly never really have.


I was a WW. 

I also happen to believe that NO ONE escapes childhood and adolescence without some form of mental illness or other. It's a matter of how severe the illness is and if the other party can live with it.

While I was a WW, I may have been insecure and suffering from depression, but I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew it was wrong, I knew people could be hurt, I was aware of the risks, and I chose to do it anyway.

If your H is able to function normally and capable of basic logic and reasoning with an awareness of the difference between right and wrong, mental illness doesn't excuse him from being responsible for his actions. He made the choice to cheat and he knew it was wrong or he wouldn't have hidden it. He's not the kind of mentally ill that reduces his culpability. He's just an azz.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

emilia527 said:


> What's next?
> 
> Can it get more painful? If so, I'd like to experience that now instead of later.
> 
> Should I go back to my empty apartment? Because this is so fresh, I know that right now I'll just cry and sleep there. And perhaps go through the cards/ memories. Last night I stayed over my sisters. Maybe stay elsewhere for a couple days?


Do NOT go through cards and memories. This is counter productive to you moving forward and healing. If you want to go through anything, go through the evidence of all the cheating he did. That, at least, will strengthen your resolve to heal and move forward with your life without him.


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## emilia527 (Nov 28, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> I was a WW.
> 
> I also happen to believe that NO ONE escapes childhood and adolescence without some form of mental illness or other. It's a matter of how severe the illness is and if the other party can live with it.
> 
> ...



Thank you! 
I just smiled.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find something constructive to do. If you can paint the walls, do so. If not, buy a new piece of furniture, or make some sort of craft. Or go volunteer at the local animal shelter.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

If you feel better I would spend the night somewhere else, if ti will help you feel better. I agree don't go through old memories it is to soon.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> While I was a WW, I may have been insecure and suffering from depression, *but I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew it was wrong, I knew people could be hurt, I was aware of the risks, and I chose to do it anyway.*


MJJ,

I heard these exact word from my fww... 6 years ago at "rock bottom".

E,

Don't beat yourself up about "Being so Blind"... It's the just the way the BS that trusts, loves, and honors their vows gets "rewarded" by their cheating spouse. Your in good company here.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

emilia527

I know that this is painful.

However look at it this way. Now you know who and what your husband truly is-(A cheating & lying scumbag) and you can now move on.

My advice you be.
1. Toss his **** out.
2. Find a good therapist to help you move on. Get STD checks.
3. Take some time to be with yourself-(enjoy you) then spend time with family and friends.


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