# Need to get start on life, again



## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Hi! I'm going through 2nd divorce with only husband. He filed Oct of 2010, after running away for the weekend with his married nurse. Apparently, he had some fantasy going on in his head, as he came back and told me that he was "going to divorce me as fast as possible and marry her." Well, he's still involved with her, but she is sitting in her marriage and neither she nor her husband has made a move to file for divorce. My husband lives next door, with his mother, and he has been there for well over a year. 

During the first divorce, I was taken to the cleaners. I really only found out the extent this past year or so. Part of it relates to the fact that I ended up with PTSD, partially as a result of what my husband had put me through. Won't go into a long story, suffice it to say that he made me think I was crazy, took all the blame and stupidly thought that he would honor his word. 

So, divorced in 2000, I moved back here in late 2005 after a long haul of spending time together, as a couple and with our kids, to see if any change had taken place. He said he loved me and wanted to marry me; I told him I wanted to slow that down because I didn't feel the same way anymore. Turned out that we didn't end up getting married until April, 2010, which was a scant 6 months before he took off with someone else's wife. He now says I won't "get anything" because of the duration of our marriage and his idea of "settlement" has been for me to pack my (personal) things, get out, and take an additional $15,000 of credit card debt with me.

When I moved out in 2000, I had under $1000 worth of debt. Now, it's over 20k. A lot of it goes back to the previous divorce - and much of it for attorney fees, as well as having to purchase a vehicle when he reneged on settlement. Had I known I was going to be a "roommate", I would have handled my finances differently. I took on more debt or didn't pay down as fast due to heart attack and other medical he had since 2009. 

I don't think I am likely to see an actual settlement this time, either. When going through all the paperwork for attorney, I learned that his "lottery ticket" problem (unless he's been stashing some cash) was to the tune of about $800/month. His income covers the monthly bills and supposedly the garnishments for the credit cards he kept trying to get me to take. There are no savings and he had refinanced the house in 2009, taking about $10,000 out to pay his bills and the rest, to put braces on our daughter's teeth. I'm guessing with the housing market, the house has depreciated. Even best case scenario would only give 30 - 40k of equity, and I know for fact there are repairs and such that NEED to be done to make it seriously salable. The carpet throughout needs to be replaced, thanks to dogs that have not been properly trained in past, for example.

When he first filed and I realized that he means to go through with this, my thought was to pay off (my) bills as much and fast as possible and go. Thanks to attorney fees, no support (other than living here), medical bills related to our 2 daughters' stress related symptoms and a few other things, I haven't been able to save any money. I had to also use my credit cards more for a time and 2 lines were cut back. I've been trying to do strictly cash and again, pay down the credit, but the last several months, my car has needed a lot of repairs (160k miles). I've kept the costs down by doing the work myself as much as possible.

We live in a very rural area; it's about 10 miles any direction to any type of "town". 20 miles to a small city. Needless to say, this makes looking for work a bit more challenging. I have one job that I've held for about 6 years and picked up another that I just finished a year. They are both part time, but I am thinking that IF I can get some things figured out, it's better to hold onto those for the time being, as lenders look at length of employment. I've looked at the numbers; if I could purchase a house, I could probably keep going and cross the point to getting ahead again financially. Otherwise, I'm going to 9probably) being forced into bankruptcy or negotiating with creditors, because I can't support my own household at the moment and what I must pay monthly. 

I have held a judgment of approximately $5000 since July that he refuses to pay on. My attorney says that will be "tacked on" to what he owes me ... so in other words, I keep having to be responsible even if he refuses to be.

I recently told my attorney that this is "his divorce". He can pay to have a settlement drawn up and then we can quibble it or I can at least make better plans. But I cannot keep going down this path of not getting ahead at all while a liar throws me out of my own life ... and I have no say in it.

I'm trying to figure out some ways to make this time more productive and more likely to help me get ahead and out of the hole. I'm going to contact the unemployment office and see if there's anything I can get involved with that would help me gain some skills or confidence in order to get a better job. 

I suppose the other things holding me back are the lack of recreation (transportation and money; I'm trying to use my car only for necessary trips and bundle those up) and depression. At times, I don't want to be around other people anymore; it seems that I have been living in this limbo and focusing on things, some bright spot pops up (like being told that I can qualify for a mortgage), but it is always extinguished (like needing the final decree and having the down payment I was getting together evaporate in legal and medical fees). It seems I have nothing to look forward to; although I know my thoughts aren't necessarily accurate and predictive, I'm not the best conversationalist at the moment. And I get tired of all the "fake smiling" I have to do.

Basically have no contact with husband. He's not actually being destructive at the moment, but he hasn't been constructive at all though this time and continues to "play victim" (he didn't get supper at 6p.m. every night and so on). I have a protective order against hem as he was bopping into the house whenever, smashing property and also threatening me, telling our kids I had no right to be here, etc. 

When I left before, I moved to a city, which was so much better in terms of employment, being able to find things to do and making friends. I'm wondering if there are any ways to deal with some of what I'm faced with that I'm just not thinking of. I started out pretty optimistically, especially for what I was hit by. But I wasn't factoring in Mr. Destructo ...

I know it can sometimes be easier to solve a problem from the outside, so any ideas or thoughts about getting more upbeat and making some of these (seeming) mountains into molehills are welcome. Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You sound depressed and say you are. Perhaps you should talk to a doctor about getting on some meds to help you through this. Once your life is more stable you can get off them (slowly). 

Why would you get all the debt? He should get at least half of it. If you get the debt then perhaps he should sign the house over to you to cover his half of the debt and the child support that he's not paying... will he really pay any children support once there is a divorce?


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Why should I get all the debts? It's a unique logic that wore me down in past and got me believing things like, "it's all my fault". Funny thing is, it's not too weird to feel depressed after some success in therapy. Taking stock of losses, seeing where my weaknesses were used against me ... it's a gain in the long run, but the grieving goes on for a bit. No, I'm not going to take all the debt. I'm using my money more frugally in terms of legal issues. I know that this is sort of the "overwhelming time". There seem to be few options and choices available to start planning a future, a life. It's the icing on the cake of divorce, I guess. When I took stock of everything, I realized the mortgage should have been nearly paid off ... I realized a lot, too late. Too bad. 

My doctor is keeping an eye on things; don't take a lot of medications, but some for PTSD and social anxiety. It seems the thing that will help is getting a grip on some real hope again. Husband says he wants me gone, but then makes it impossible for me to get going! That desire of his, I would think, would motivate some cooperation by him. But he is not known to be reasonable, which I think is fueling the flames. I'm picturing EVERYTHING I've worked on or for gone ... swallowed up. I guess it's not as bad as I make it sound, but it hasn't been a fun year and some months ... and to see "no apparent progress" makes it feel worse ... which it could be, but isn't. I really need a vacation.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

What a circus. And apparently, I am the only one who really "gets" it (although my therapist and support group people, etc certainly do). The basic premise is: do what I say, or else. I didn't give in to his demands, so he is punishing me. Have a feeling it's going to take a while to get good bearings, mostly because of the wear and tear on my life and finances, in particular. 

Have been learning to do some auto repair, however. Not "by choice". But it is sort of neat to realize that I can change brakes, belts, mechanical parts and things like my shift cable. With some help at times, particularly from youtube. But lost one job and the other was endangered due to the sudden and frequent breakdowns ... we live in the "middle of nowhere" and I really don't want to drive 20 miles to another job with unreliable transportation. So frustrating, as he has owed on a judgment more than a year and seems like he is being treated pretty leniently. Maybe because I actually live the real truth, not just what gets told (and probably, a % disbelieved ... I mean DO people's attorneys believe them? I have no idea ... and sort of scary thought).

So whatever ... he will destroy a bit more time of my life, some money etc. But suppose he destroys more of and for himself in the long run. Would like to make better future plans, but still in limbo pattern. Only thing I truly resent: that our children are supposed to be getting settled into adult life. Oh, yeah right. With one set of relatives (close by) telling them to disrespect me, do whatever they want and etc. It's been a barrel of fun. But this too shall pass and they will be responsible for those damages, despite the fact that I know they will NEVER lift a finger to clean up any part of the mess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like the best think you can do is to move on with your life.


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