# Not speaking again - time to end this 20+++ year marriage



## Advocado

*Not speaking again - time to end this marriage*

I’ve posted before about my husband and I not speaking for long periods (approx 6 weeks per annum) over petty skirmishes and I feel I'm just steps away from leaving this 20++++year marriage. Am in the midst of more pettiness and I am not prepared to be the one to initiate resolving things yet again. I end up feeling humiliated that I am endlessly trying to get on good terms with someone who could care less if we are getting along or not. At one point I felt we had started to move in the right direction (i.e. he actually instigated talking to me about something when we were not speaking a little while back) but it has turned out to be one step forward, two steps back. There have been times in the past when he has almost seemed to rejoice in my unhappiness - he knows I cannot bear the silences. He is not a bad person but it felt like he got some sort of kick out of my sorrow, like it made him feel good and he’d start singing and stuff like he hadn’t a care in the world. I could never feel elation if I knew he was hurting. So I know I just now have to make myself accept that even if he wanted to change he could not. Just like I would like for this not to be an issue for me but it is and I cannot change that either. Why have an atmosphere of tension and resentment when you can have a short conversation and clear the air - I just don't get it!!!

Maybe he has a good reason for not wanting to initiate settling our petty differences – e.g. he actually wants out because secretly he cannot stand me or he has someone else in the picture that I’m unaware of. I don’t want to own it but I do believe that he wants things to end (probably has done for years) and just like he doesn't want to initiate resolving tensions, he doesn't want to be the one to instigate our breakup. Where relationships are concerned, he is very much a stick your head in the sand kind of person and I feel so so hurt and sad that he would not want to talk and heal our relationship. 

However, I feel proud of myself that I have put much time and effort to calmly and plainly state my feelings to him and to try to work with him to resolve this him not initiating issue which I know must seem so petty to so many of you (I know it's not like he's beating me or such) but for me it cuts to the bone - I cannot be around someone who cannot or will not work with me on this. It’s killing both my sanity and my spirit. Once we have gone our separate ways, I do honestly think I will be able to say that I did all I could to save us. The only thing I can think of now that might help is counselling but he has always been adamant that he will not go. I've often toyed with the idea of giving him an an ultimatum about counselling but he needs to want it too - otherwise it seems to me there is no point. Anyway I can't physically make him go. 

If he doesn’t want to communicate with me on anything but a superficial functional level when there is a great white elephant in the room what can I do? I'm tired of the atmospheres, not speaking cycle. I love him and I thought he loved me but perhaps he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did so right now I need to go about ending things but not sure how to. Neither of us is going to be prepared to move out. Financially it's a problem plus I have a teenager in the mix to consider but I’m at a stage where although I’m not all all sure I’d be happy being single again (I’m no spring chicken) I’d rather be unhappy on my own than unhappy with him. Sorry to ramble - thank you for reading/please comment.


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## Advocado

I'm pretty isolated in that I've no close family and just one friend who might/might not be able to support me through a difficult transitional time if we separate (this friend has had various difficulties of her own to contend with over the years and I don't want to burden her with my problems.)


I'm afraid my fear of being on my own will mean I'll allow myself to stay stuck in this cycle forever. He knows I'm more isolated than he and so probably thinks I will never branch out on my own. I don't want to but I will if necessary. 

I'm guessing some of you will have had similar fears and would be grateful to hear of how you overcame your fear of loneliness and how you're doing now.


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## Crazytown

Well, as for your first post...he sounds like my father. I have a touch of it too. I tend to shut down emotionally and can do the silent treatment thing for days on end...not weeks like my father or your husband though. I'm not sure exactly what it's about other than distancing yourself emotionally from the other person. I've had 3 years of therapy so far and I don't do the silent treatment thing as much anymore...maybe for an hour at the most. Your husbad needs some therapy.

As for your second post...I didn't handle my separation very well. i knew WHAT to do, just went off the deep end instead. What to do is start expanding your social network...go to meetup dot com and find people (females) to share time and interests with. Join a bookclub, volunteer somehwere etc. 

When I left H I had NO FRIENDS, I was completely isolated because of being controlled and emotionally abused. I just partied and lived in bars and slept around. That is how I dealt with the loneliness...I do not recommend doing that lol. I do recommend finding out what interests YOU and developing some healthy female friendships. 

Good luck.


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## Advocado

Thanks Crazytown - Yes I'm going to have to force myself out of my comfort zone and get out and meet new people. Although I can function well I'm extremely shy person afraid of getting rejected so I tend to wait for other to make the first move most of the time. At my time of life you'd think I had gotten over this! Also I tend to keep people at arms lenghth sometimes, not intentionally but because I'm afraid if I let people in I'll get hurt when they disappear and so better not to let them in in the first place. Maybe it's time I got some therapy for this.

I've kind of know I should be socialising more for years but you get comfortable with things as they are and don't push yourself. Whatever happens with my H, I need to do this.


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## turnera

I'd start making a plan, and let him KNOW you're making a plan. That way, he has time to decide if he wants to work on anything.


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## Advocado

turnera said:


> I'd start making a plan, and let him KNOW you're making a plan. That way, he has time to decide if he wants to work on anything.


I see where you're coming from Turnera but am worried about letting him know my objectives and then if I don't follow through I'll look ineffectual and he'll never take me seriously again. Of course, the important thing is I need to follow through on my plan. In the past I have made lists of things I want to do (simple things like keeping in touch with people and making new contacts or simply getting more exercise and drinking more (water, that is). I get started somewhat and then my motivation flags or I get “comfortable”, things drop off and I end up no further forward. 

On the not speaking issue, after too many wasted days he DID eventually (better late than never) initiate a discussion with me to try and clear the air and things are largely okay again. Feels like a weight has been lifted!

When the next petty issue occurs (as it will – happens to all couples I would say, it’s just that we always allow it to escalate unnecessarily) I am more than prepared to take the lead /instigate talking it over to make the peace, knowing that he has made effort on this occasion and hopefully he will do again in the future. That would be such a relief and help me feel confident that it is not just me who wants to invest in this marriage. Normally it feels like if I don't try and fix it, he's happy for things to stay strained and miserable which makes me feel he couldn't care less about us.


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## turnera

Instead of waiting, why don't you talk to him NOW, while you're both ok with each other?

Have you done affaircare's questionnaires or the ones at marriagebuilders.com? They will help immensely with communication and expectations.


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## Advocado

Actually quite some time back I did read and print off the His/Her questionnaires but never actually got around to actually showing/doing them with him. Procrastination reared its ugly head again. I should dig them out.


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## Nobody123

This is the crossroad that I am also at right now. During my 29 years of marriage, we’ve often fought over petty things and he loves to ditch out his silent treatment for days, weeks and sometimes months. I have always been the one to initiate discussion, trying to nourish an amicable family environment for the sake of the kids . It really hurts at first but it gets easier and easier; I guess he has slowly killed the love I have for him, bit by bit, piece by piece. Remember the old saying “Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger”. After 29 years, I’ve grown stronger and stronger on my own. I have established a network of female support friends that I can share my feeling and go out with. I volunteer, I love my job and I have slowly built a life without him.

I believe men exhibiting this kind of poisonous behavior is semi-narcissistic; they believe punishing the other party by withholding their love, care and presence. These people do not seem to have the capability to change. We have another petty fight and from his attitude, he is going to embark on his mindless silent do loops again. I tried to remain relatively calm and reasonable to avoid another spectacle while I watched him stomping his feet, raising his voice and screaming his lungs out. All of sudden, I looked at his fury wretched face and realized this must be over. What a sane and dignified person will continue to tolerate and accept this kind of behavior? I have a plan already and it is time to carry it out.


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## Advocado

Hello Nobody123 - I think you have done well to get a support system going with friends, work, volunteering etc so that you now have a choice whether to go or stay. 

I hope to be in your position one day (i.e. not feeling I have to stay because I don't have an alternative life to go to). But overriding this, I always hope one day he will change and I think it is this that stops me from pursing new avenues - self defeating I know. 

Can I take it that, like my H, your H will not consider counselling. 

Also does your H know that you have had thoughts of leaving and if so what was his response/did he take you seriously?


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## Nobody123

Hi, Advocado,

My husband is the type that never admits he or anything is wrong. Needless to say, he would not opt for counselling. A few years ago, I had a list of expectations and discussions which I thought would help our communication. In the end, he was so defensive and that just sparked another fight. 

After every fight, things tend to improve for a very short time but they always revert back to the same old. During one of the worst time out last year, we didn't talk for over a couple of months until our best friends intervened. He was very depressed and lost a lot of weight. He was obviously suffering but he would not back down. My friends noted that our situations have somehow reversed. I used to be the one that was suffering but I finally outgrew it. I refuse to be the only one in a relationship who is willing to initiate a reconcilation after each fight. He always expects me to give in because I had loved him but after that incident, he and his friends all realize I can also hold out as long as he can. He stayed good for a coupld of months but his old self couldn't help but flaring up again. It is so very sad; I did love him but I would be insane to wait around any longer for someone to change after 29 years.


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## turnera

Nobody123 said:


> After every fight, things tend to improve for a very short time but they always revert back to the same old.


Actually, it's partly up to you to KEEP it from sliding back. When you see him do the same old thing, remind him. Do NOT hold back out of fear of conflict.


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## Advocado

Nobody123 said:


> Hi, Advocado,
> 
> My husband is the type that never admits he or anything is wrong. Needless to say, he would not opt for counselling. A few years ago, I had a list of expectations and discussions which I thought would help our communication. In the end, he was so defensive and that just sparked another fight.
> 
> After every fight, things tend to improve for a very short time but they always revert back to the same old. During one of the worst time out last year, we didn't talk for over a couple of months until our best friends intervened. He was very depressed and lost a lot of weight. He was obviously suffering but he would not back down. My friends noted that our situations have somehow reversed. I used to be the one that was suffering but I finally outgrew it. I refuse to be the only one in a relationship who is willing to initiate a reconcilation after each fight. He always expects me to give in because I had loved him but after that incident, he and his friends all realize I can also hold out as long as he can. He stayed good for a coupld of months but his old self couldn't help but flaring up again. It is so very sad; I did love him but I would be insane to wait around any longer for someone to change after 29 years.


I would have to say your H is more of an extreme case than my own (mine can at least admit he is in the wrong at times) and so I do feel for you and so understand you wanting out. If he cannot or will not SUSTAIN trying to at least meet you halfway, then that is so sad and soul destroying for you. It wears you down and you know you have done your best to improve the situation and now deserve some happiness.


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## Nobody123

Advocado said:


> I would have to say your H is more of an extreme case than my own (mine can at least admit he is in the wrong at times) and so I do feel for you and so understand you wanting out. If he cannot or will not SUSTAIN trying to at least meet you halfway, then that is so sad and soul destroying for you. It wears you down and you know you have done your best to improve the situation and now deserve some happiness.


Enough said about my case. I am not unhappy right now; of course, I could be a whole lot happier if my once soul mate and I can get along. Based on what you said, you believe your DH is still capable to change and at the same time, you also want to develop some kind of independence so you have a choice.

Some of the things that I tried in the past to open some sort of communication channel with my H. They all worked for a certain degree at least for a short period.
1) Plan a vacation just for the two of you. No friends and no kids. It should be long enough so you guys have to communicate.
2) Start a list to record all the petty fights; dates, duration and cause. Review the list from time to time with your DH as a sanity check.
3) Have a wonderful night of sex. If he doesn't fall asleep immediately after , then it is time for some hard soul searching small talk.
4) Cook a fanastic dinner for him. With a full stomach and half drunk, a man is normally more tolerant to criticism.

On the other side, I did the following so I have a choice in case I want to split:
1) To be financially independent. I never quit my job so I know I can be self-sufficent.
2) To get appreciated from outside the home. I get this from work and from volunteering. I joined a charity organization where I help feed the homeless. It is so rewarding. When I am with them, my problems no longer seem significant compared to their burden in life.
3) Surround myself with female friends who I can count on for support. I don't deal with male friends since some of these men would start writing love letters or emails after a while.

From your post, I'm so happy that your H initiated the discussion to resolve matters after the last fight. He obviously cares a lot for you and you still love him. When both of you are trying to meet each other half way, the marriage will thrive.


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## Advocado

Thanks for your suggestions and good wishes Nobody123. In particular I think the idea of keeping a list and reviewing it together from time to time is a great idea for helping us get things in perspective and realise what a waste all the pettiness is. I have said to him in the past wouldn't it be terrible if during one of these not speaking episoded one or other of us was to meet a fatal accident and the survivor would have to go on in the knowledge that the last days/weeks together were simply wasted.

Regarding choices, I have always worked part time and have some earned income although not at all sure I could financially manage a household, but then lots of people do so why not me. On the friend front, this is the thing I think I need to do most of all, and the thing I would find the hardest but I know I really must try and I'm thinking of getting some therapy to get me started on this and other stuff I need to do, to get me motivated and to help KEEP me on track. 

Thanks again.


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## Advocado

Alot has happened since I started this thread. I no longer allow silent treatment to overwhelm or devastate me and I am SO much happier for it. I have found ways to effectively deal with it by being responsible for my OWN peace of mind and happiness. I only wish it hadn’t taken me 20 plus years to figure this out. 

What happened with me is that there was a significant issue in my marriage which I was too afraid to raise with my spouse, as I knew it would lead to a major outbreak of the silent treatment on his part. I put off raising the issue for many months and in so doing I actually made myself ill, mentally and physically. 

If I hadn’t been afraid of getting the silent treatment I would have been able to talk to my husband about what was disturbing me and saved myself a whole heap of stress and physical issues. 

For anyone who is banging their head against a brick wall as to how to combat repititive periods of silent treatment, it’s worth considering the suggestions in the link below for how to help yourself and change this aspect of your relationship.

It hasn't been easy but we are still together and "not speaking" / indefinite periods of not communicating are thankfully largely a thing of the past. 

http://ebonny.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-cope-with-Silent-Treatment-Abuse


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## turnera

Great to hear!


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