# Implemented 180 and Plan B



## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

I have been on this roller coaster ride for 7 months and decided to get off and implement 180 and Plan B since he was going back and forth with OW. I had been doing this for 3 weeks with contact only regarding kids. I also gave him a draft of marriage dissolution, child custody and child support.

The first week was really hard with the holidays and everything but everyday I got stronger. I realized I can't be a person with no confidence and self esteem sitting around and depressed. I can't do this to my kids. They need me more than ever now. 

All was going well and I was starting to live my life, gain confidence and escape the pain and hurt. Then doorbell rang and it was him. I couldn't tell him to leave because the kids answered the door. They wanted to see their Daddy.

He told me it is over again. To give him another chance that he finally knows what he has to do and he loves me. I know these are words but do I continue with the 180 and Plan B. Do I get back on the ride? How do I know it is really over? 

He says it over and after a week he gets withdrawal symptoms and relapses again. Do I help him through this? Do Imake him totally accountable and make demands. I have always been against that because I want him to come back to me for the right reasons not because I am demanding it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Since he's done it before, I wouldn't just invite him back into the house and wait for him to fall off the wagon. I would wait for him to prove it. Demand transparency. You get access to his email/Facebook/phone records. Without him knowing, put a voice-activated recorder in his car and perhaps a GPS.

Be as sure as you can be that he hasn't contacted the OW for 2-3 weeks before you start discussing reconciliation.

Good luck.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Keep 180 and plan B. Tell him you will think about it and he has to sign a contract on your terms for taking him back. Since he's done it before his words are just words.

Think about all the terms you want, passwords total transparency tight leash etc etc. What will happen if he doesn't follow the contract.

Make him sweat. 

Accepting him back too easily shows no consequences. 

Ask the kids too what they want from their dad, sport nights, weekend trips etc. Include that in the plan. 

Insist that if he doesn't accept the terms that the family need then he'd better reconcile quickly with other woman.

This is your opportunity to take control back and on your terms.

He has to earn your trust and it won't be an easy task.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Do you think I should ask him to send a NC letter to OW in front of m? or should I trust that he ended it again. My feeling about NC letter is that it can just be a cover-up that he send it and tells OW that he had to do it cuz wife wanted me too. But it seems all advice says to send NC letter to OW.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

tiptoe1969 said:


> Do you think I should ask him to send a NC letter to OW in front of m? or should I trust that he ended it again. My feeling about NC letter is that it can just be a cover-up that he send it and tells OW that he had to do it cuz wife wanted me too. But it seems all advice says to send NC letter to OW.


The sending of the NC letter is a test to see how much his words match his actions. If he truly wants to reconcile with you then sending the letter is a no brainer, but if he doesn't then it means that he is simply paying lip service about wanting to be with you.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

I guess my philosophy is that he needs to do prove to me without me having to coach him. If I coach him then it may not be sincere. But I just don't think he knows what to do. I feel if I have to lay out the plan he is not doing the heavy lifting I am.

I may be wrong since obviously all my other attempts have not worked.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Very true but unless you tell him outright what is that you need from him, then your are simply playing mind reading games.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is not a mind reader. You have to tell him what you want for him to do. If you wait around for him to guess what you want, there will be no recovery.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

tiptoe1969 said:


> Do you think I should ask him to send a NC letter to OW in front of m? or should I trust that he ended it again. My feeling about NC letter is that it can just be a cover-up that he send it and tells OW that he had to do it cuz wife wanted me too. But it seems all advice says to send NC letter to OW.


I was unsure if a NC letter was nessesary or not with my fWW. I'm glad we did
It though. It was like drawing a line in the sand for me and my wife. For me it was like a
contract and for my wife, who was also unsure at the time if it was nessesary, she now says it gave her closure and a new starting point. Kind of like this is what I have to do first it I want to be married to dingerdad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Thank you for your advice. Maybe that's why my attempts are not working. I have not laid out what I want accept no contact with OW (which is huge). 

I have also read from marriage builders regarding the Plan B that relapse and withdrawal are part of the process. Do I accept it and help him through it if I am going to decide to reconcile?


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

You have to tell him what you want. He is lost right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Tiptoe, I am Dingerdads FWW and I will agree with him in that a NC letter is absolutely necessary! I relapsed after the OM contacted me within wks of DDay #1 & I do feel completely different this time. It was on my terms with the OM & sending that letter got the message across that there was no doubt in our world that he is not part of it. It is a long tough road I am on trying to heal some of the hurt I have caused my H & family but it is so worth it. I wish luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies. Once WS agrees and is commited to all of my terms as mentioned in the forum do I let him move back in? If we are separated how do I make him accountable. I don't want to rush but being separated makes it more difficult.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

It depends, upon what you want---as to where your H. stays---If you really want to R., then you need to have him where you can keep an eye on him.---You obviously cannot control what he does, if he wants to cheat, he will, no matter what you do.

If he truly wants the mge., and to be back in the family---then you lay out your boundaries WITH KNOWN ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES---and he DOES ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING----He does not complain about ANYTHING AT ANY TIME-----if he does---you get right in his face, and tell him his next complaint---RESULTS IN DIVORCE BEING PUT ON THE TABLE IMMEDIATELY!!!!

If you say jump---he answers how high-----this is your ball game, by your rules---he doesn't get any input whatsoever----actually he should be grovelling at this point---to show you he wants back in the mge.

Make him sign a POST--NUP, with a Duress Clause---set the terms at about 80% to 20% in a D. settlement, with you also getting alimony and full custody. The Post--Nup may also help keep him on the straight and narrow

Once again---what do you want, and how do you want it implemented

Do not be Mrs Nice--Lady, at this point----and no lovey--dovey at this point----he CANNOT just come back, and regain all the privelages of a loving contributing spouse---there has to be ACCOUNTABILITY on his part.

Put him in a room by himself as far as sleeping/his clothes/his toiletries, and make him participate in all household activities---including keeping the house clean, doing laundery, taking care of the yard, and all else that goes with running a home.

He comes immediately home from work, and he has no social life, beyond his family---if he runs errands, one of the kids goes with him.

You will find out soon enuff---where your mge., is at

No matter what you MUST remember---this is YOUR ballgame, and YOU call ALL the shots.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

tiptoe1969 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. Once WS agrees and is commited to all of my terms as mentioned in the forum do I let him move back in? If we are separated how do I make him accountable. I don't want to rush but being separated makes it more difficult.


I don't think you let him move back in right away. Since he has made empty promises multiple times before, he needs to go beyond words this time.

Being separated makes accountability more difficult, but you can still check some things. Insist you have access to his email/Facebook. You can check those from your house. When he's over some time, put a voice-activated recorder in his car. A decent one should record for a few days before running out of memory. Maybe put some spyware on his phone.

If the actions that you can verify match his words for the next few weeks, then you let him move back in. Otherwise, he'll understandably believe that he is free to cheat again, say he's sorry and come back home.

Good luck.


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## tiptoe1969 (Dec 31, 2011)

JNJ and PHT thank you for the advice. I have listed my conditions to my husband and has totally agreed that he needs to meet all my requests.

1) No contact letter. Sent to her and BCC me.
2) Transparency- cell phone accounts,bank accounts, e-mail, already de-activated facebook.
3) Inform me if OW contacts or if he has the urge to contact her.
4) Allow a GPS tracker on phone. Phone often to inform me of whereabouts.
5) Apology to all family and friend who knew about affair.
6) IC and MC.

I have decided to let him move back in a week. I do need him to be accountable similar to what Sigma had mentioned in an earlier post that the only way he was able to get over the affair is because his wife made him accountable. I feel much stronger after the 180 and know now what I want and to ask for it. I have made it very clear that if my husband feels he can't fully commit to marriage and meet my requests then it is time to file the divorce papers. I am at the point now that he cannot hurt me anymore. I know that I can make it. He is only hurting himself now not me. I have decided to take it very slow and not give in too fast. He needs to do his share.

This is the last chance and I know if it doesn't work it was not meant to be. But we have made an agreement to do everything in our power through some guidance from books and counseling to repair and rebuild our marriage.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Good for you---now the most important thing is---you hold the line, and make sure everything is done YOUR way

Remember he gets no say, do not let him manipulate you, in any way shape or form

Make sure he knows if he even looks cross-eyed at another woman, he is then and there in a D. situation.


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