# Having problems with DS14



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Awesome kid. Gentle giant. 

He's depressed. Diagnosed by neuro psych. 

He's been this way for 3 years but it's taken time to get him the help he really needs because his mom didn't want to admit his problems and our decree has some restraints. 

Finally got him to a psychiatrist today and was prescribed 10mg of Prozac. From what I'm told, this is the minimum amount. 

He is struggling with school. 

He intimidates both his mother and my girlfriend with his size and demeanor when I'm not around. 

Don't really know what I'm looking for here yet but throwing this out to see where it goes. 

His first therapist was the one that recommended the neuro psych. I got the testing done and his mom freaked out. Threatened the therapist with sanctions from the state and took him to new therapist. New therapist agreed with original and neuro. All three of them plus our parent facilitator agree that he is depressed and needs to be on meds. They all also agree that he could become suicidal without treatment. 

He will begin the Prozac tomorrow morning. 

What do I do to help my son?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he do any sports or physical activity? From what I've read, exercise works as well as antidepressants. 

Is he going to be going to regular counseling? 

Have you asked him what you can do to help him?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Thanks Ele. 

He played football but got a concussion last year. The concussion itself was mild but the post concussion syndrome was bad enough to keep him home bound for two months. He cannot play anymore. One of the few things his mom and I agree on. 

He has no other sports interests. He manages for the team now but that causes more frustrations since he can no longer play.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

He is I between therapists. A psychologist and psychiatrist. His mom really screwed this up.

Yes, I talk to him everyday about what I can do to help. But this too is a struggle. He needs to learn that he has responsibilities but at the same time I feel he has more on his plate than he should. 

Trying to balance.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

He's up right now at 11:16 doing some makeup work to pass his English class. A 14 year old up this late on a school night isn't good in my book. 

And he's angry. But he needs to pass.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I wonder if you could do physical things with him in the evenings and on weekends... like hiking, go for walks, bike rides.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

with kids that age, friends are a huge influence. Know anyone with a son his age, that might be a good friend to him? or maybe someone a little older that could tutor him to help with the school work he's struggling with? Gotta be careful, vet the new potential friend thoroughly. and it might not take, some people just aren't meant to be friends.

My foster brother was paired up with a kid that age his senior year as part of his anger management, and they were really good for each other. a big brother mentoring program.
Could he help a kid in a junior league football, just for an hour or two a week? drills or throwing a ball around? helping others/volunteering is something they tell you to try for depression before they medicate you. it might still be a helpful activity for your son, even though it may seem counter intuitive to have him be the mentor.

you may have already tried something along these lines. just throwing ideas out there.

Good luck to you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Does he also have ADD or ADHD?

Be prepared, one of my good friends has a 17 yr old on Prozac and saw no real change for almost a month. Now her DD is responding pretty well. With her DD, Prozac made her really tired and sleepy so they had to switch to taking it at night.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

i feel a little silly posting this. But diet is important.

i'm sure a dr. has mentioned some of this already. Like, caffeine and depression don't mix well.
But a magnesium rich diet is really important. Things like black beans, spinach, bananas etc. It obviously won't cure him, to make him eat well and/or make him take a multivitamin. But sometimes the simplest things are the last things we try or think of. And things like that will help his body and the medication do its best work.

There are some great stress relief teas too. if you think he might do that. might be a tough sell for a 14 year old boy. but that's why i didn't suggest yoga or meditation


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder if you could do physical things with him in the evenings and on weekends... like hiking, go for walks, bike rides.



I would love to but it's hard when you have three kids that you haven't seen in a week. 

He lives canoeing. I want to do this with him and will. It's just that I'll have to am sacrifice a day with my other two younger kids to do so. 

He used to love throwing the football. He has an incredible arm for his age. He's just not interested anymore.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> i feel a little silly posting this. But diet is important.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This is an interesting idea. He is a pleaser and enjoys helping people. 

I need to look into this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ceegee said:


> I would love to but it's hard when you have three kids that you haven't seen in a week.
> 
> He lives canoeing. I want to do this with him and will. It's just that I'll have to am sacrifice a day with my other two younger kids to do so.
> 
> He used to love throwing the football. He has an incredible arm for his age. He's just not interested anymore.


When he is with your ex, does he go out with friends? If so, could you meet you sometimes to do things?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Rarely. 

I really don't know what he does there. Most weekends she takes them out of town. With me he has friends in the neighborhood to play with. 

She doesn't want to give me more time than I'm allotted by the decree though she has let him stay for dinner a couple of times. 

He uses my address for school so the bus drops him off at my house after school. She picks him up here. I try to leave work early everyday to beat her here.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Does he also have ADD or ADHD?
> 
> 
> 
> Be prepared, one of my good friends has a 17 yr old on Prozac and saw no real change for almost a month. Now her DD is responding pretty well. With her DD, Prozac made her really tired and sleepy so they had to switch to taking it at night.



No ADHD. Tested negative. 

The psych said to start taking in the morning as 80% of users said made them feel like they drank a cup of coffee. That's why we're waiting until tomorrow morning.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> I would love to but it's hard when you have three kids that you haven't seen in a week.
> 
> He lives canoeing. I want to do this with him and will. It's just that I'll have to am sacrifice a day with my other two younger kids to do so.
> 
> He used to love throwing the football. He has an incredible arm for his age. He's just not interested anymore.


Why would you have to sacrifice the time? Im not sure what your options are, but you could take all three to a lake, canoe with your oldest and set the younger two up with life jackets and a paddleboat. Or put all 3 in the canoe and take fishing equipment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I get the issue with football, and love the idea of a family canoe outing.

Does he have any creative activities like music/art/theater, something that can allow him to constructively "escape" for lack of a better word. Its really more some activity that allows him to essentially put his depression down for a bit and use a different part of his brain.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

He likes helping people and loves canoeing. Find a BSA venturing crew.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> I get the issue with football, and love the idea of a family canoe outing.
> 
> 
> 
> Does he have any creative activities like music/art/theater, something that can allow him to constructively "escape" for lack of a better word. Its really more some activity that allows him to essentially put his depression down for a bit and use a different part of his brain.



He doesn't have any interest in any organized group activities. 

He loves to put his "sets" together. They're these Japanese models/figures made up of 1000's of pieces. 

He can spend all day doing those things. That's his escape. But it's expensive and I don't like him being alone in his room that long. I prefer to get him and the other kids involved in family things.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> Why would you have to sacrifice the time? Im not sure what your options are, but you could take all three to a lake, canoe with your oldest and set the younger two up with life jackets and a paddleboat. Or put all 3 in the canoe and take fishing equipment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sorry, misspoke about canoeing. 

It's kayaking that he likes. Single man boats. He like the physicality of it but also likes it because it's something he and I do alone together. 

We take long river trips. Well, not really long but too long for my other two. 

But, the canoeing is still a good idea.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Ceegee said:


> He's up right now at 11:16 doing some makeup work to pass his English class. A 14 year old up this late on a school night isn't good in my book.
> 
> And he's angry. But he needs to pass.


You're going to have to force the sleep. People with depression often struggle with regular sleep routines. This may mean letting some school work go. Talk to the school and tell them what's going on and they may be able to make some accommodations until the depression gets under control. I guarantee he is not the only guy in his school who is struggling with depression and the school may have some other support systems in place for this. Sadly, teen depression is rampant.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

CG,

DD 18 has also had issues and extensive counseling. Seems to be doing well at university now. 

DD16 is on the same med as your son but add in a stimulant for her ADHD. She has been suffering from some depression recently too. Maybe it's all the rainy weather recently, I dunno.

We've got her signed up for some counseling over the next couple of months because it seems she has some things she needs to work out. 

She is in sports, but I think it is mostly stress at school and some social issues. She has never had many friends. 

I'd also recommend going out and doing active stuff with him. 

I feel for you brother. It is tough watching your kids go through this stuff.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If he has a great arm, has he considered switching to baseball?

I think just letting him know you are an advocate for HIM is important. You might need to tell the other kids that in a family sometimes one person needs a little 'extra' for a while. For instance, if one of them was in the hospital, the other kids would be expected to pitch in more and they would understand the sick one getting more attention. This isn't any different. Right now he needs a little extra. And if the other two don't want to come canoeing, then do something special with them the next weekend. Or let them choose what to eat/where to eat for dinner, what movie to watch, etc. But if your oldest needs some physical exertion and moral support right now, then you might have to give that to him.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> You're going to have to force the sleep. People with depression often struggle with regular sleep routines. This may mean letting some school work go. Talk to the school and tell them what's going on and they may be able to make some accommodations until the depression gets under control. I guarantee he is not the only guy in his school who is struggling with depression and the school may have some other support systems in place for this. Sadly, teen depression is rampant.


I had a meeting with his counselor about 3 weeks ago and filled her in.

She asked if it was ok to share with his teachers and, of course, I said yes. 

His teachers bend over backwards for him. He was working on an online program to give him credit for the first 9 weeks of English because he had failed.

He is a very smart kid (high IQ according to psych eval) but the depression stifles his motivation to do the work.

This is where his mom and I butt heads. She wants to ground him or take things away from him for anything and everything. Just constantly pushing him and he shuts down.

I'm all for punishment when neccessary but I think he needs a little more understanding.

He has told me about things she's said or done that have hurt him. Not nasty things but things that make him feel like she doesn't care about him.

I mentioned to her that he needs some nurturing; specifically love, compassion, understanding, etc. She mocked me for the idea. 

He's just not getting the balance he needs from a mom and dad.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If he has a great arm, has he considered switching to baseball?
> 
> I think just letting him know you are an advocate for HIM is important. You might need to tell the other kids that in a family sometimes one person needs a little 'extra' for a while. For instance, if one of them was in the hospital, the other kids would be expected to pitch in more and they would understand the sick one getting more attention. This isn't any different. Right now he needs a little extra. And if the other two don't want to come canoeing, then do something special with them the next weekend. Or let them choose what to eat/where to eat for dinner, what movie to watch, etc. But if your oldest needs some physical exertion and moral support right now, then you might have to give that to him.


Ahh, baseball. Loved playing it as a kid.

He's a natural.

Has a great arm and can really field well for a kid his size.

14 years old and he's 6'2" / 230 lbs. When he gets a bat he can do a lot of damage.

He just doesn't want to play for a team and never has. I've encouraged it for many years. Now that he's in high school it would be very hard for him to get involved. The kids on these teams have been playing for nearly 10 years now.

Doing things one-on-one with each kids has always been important to me. Only having them every other weekend makes it hard but not impossible. It's just very spread out.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I realize you had a high conflict D, and your X is a complete beeotch, but just wondering if your DS, at his age, is able to request to spend more time with you? 

Essentially tell your X he isn't ready to go home...


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Tron said:


> I realize you had a high conflict D, and your X is a complete beeotch, but just wondering if your DS, at his age, is able to request to spend more time with you?
> 
> 
> 
> Essentially tell your X he isn't ready to go home...



Ahh, yes. 

Was and is high conflict. 

All three kids have asked to spend more time with me.

S14 has refused to go home with her 3 times. Each time he was highly emotional. My job, for his sake, is to calm him down and help him with his emotions. I'm so good at it that he ends up going home with her. 

My family and I talk about this often. When the time comes that he decides he just isn't going there isn't anything anyone, including myself, can do to make him. 

Judges here will listen to the opinion of kids at 13. That doesn't mean they can choose.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What I have found out is that parenting a teenage boy is so much different from parenting a teenage girl. My daughter could not shut up and we talked about everything. When we fight it's a storm and five minutes later we are laughing and kissing. 

But the boy, lord have mercy. You have to drag the words out of him. He knows two words: fine and good. He alternates them on different days. His therapist recommend we ask open ended question, still gets one word answer. And that boy can hold a grudge. He gives me the silent treatment. We don't do the silent treatment in our house because no one knows how to shut up. But he does it.

When he is down it's hard to figure out what is wrong because he does not talk. Sometimes, my husband comes down bit hard on him but I have to pull him aside and remind him...use kind words. Your job is to inspire and motivate him. 

What people don't realize(I addressed his HS teachers on this topic) is that boys are easily bruised. They may seemed tough and big, but they are still young. They mature at a slower rate. You have to be careful how you handle them. You have to continue to treat them with kindness and love. You have to watch out for them when they are hurting because they would never complain.

I so agree with you that he needs to be nurtured and taken care of. We have this thing in our house, we call it loving up. When the kids are down, we sit next to our children and give them hugs and kisses. We tell them they need some loving up. They love it. Even the boy. They feel like babies again. Mummy and daddy loves them. They always simile and laugh. Get them out from whatever was bothering them.

Your wife is being an idiot. She is missing a great opportunity to bond with her child.

Continue to support your boy and give him that extra love and attention. 
Make sure he is eating health and getting good sleep. Exercise and fresh air are very important when they are depressed. Just remind him you love him. Hug and kiss him a lot. 

Keep in contact with the teachers. Make sure he does his homework on time. This will help reduce his stress level. I would check in with the teachers every week by email to see how he is doing and if he is missing any assignment. That way the work does not build up.

My son's advice is to get him a new xbox and a good video game. I am typing this part in duress. lol


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> What I have found out is that parenting a teenage boy is so much different from parenting a teenage girl. My daughter could not shut up and we talked about everything. When we fight it's a storm and five minutes later we are laughing and kissing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks for this. 

I email his teachers quite often. More thank once or twice a week. They have been extremely helpful. 

The program he was working on last night - he didn't finish and it was due today. 

I emailed the teacher last night. She replied this morning that he had completed just enough for her to give him credit. It seems to me her compassion passed him. Not his efforts. 

Mixed feelings about this. 

He currently has many missing assignments. I printed them all off and am waiting for him to get home. He will be working on this all weekend.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Don't completely bury him in the homework/assignments. And keep a close eye on what is going on with him. The thing with folks who are depressed is they don't have a lot of motivation and aren't going to be cranking on all cylinders. 

If you need to break it up by going out to throw the ball or go to the movies, then do it. You may not be able to get everything done in one weekend...and that's ok.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I agree. 

When he got home, I showed him the print outs of his grades and what was missing. His body language changes. He bows up like he's trying to intimidate me. This is what his mom and my GF are scared of. 

I told him that I want him to first find the assignments and put a check next to them on my papers. Then he can start working on them. 

There is no yelling allowed in my house. After 13 years of yelling from the XW I don't want to hear anymore and I lead by example. But I am stern and make very clear what I expect. 

I may not be able to force to do the work but I still have final authority on what's allowed and not allowed. He's only to come out of his room for dinner tonight. 

Such a difficult thing to be sympathetic to his feelings while also keeping him accountable to his responsibilities. 

If he does a good job tonight we'll go see Spectre tomorrow night. That should be a good break for him. My Dad, S14 and I have gone to see the last 2 together. James Bond spans generations and we all enjoy going to see the latest.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> Ahh, baseball. Loved playing it as a kid.
> 
> He's a natural.
> 
> ...


Team sports. when i was in college, i wasn't good enough to play on any official team, and frankly didn't have the time, not even for intramural sports. I had to keep my grades up for a scholarship, and i had to work.
But i had a roommate who went to church, and they played a pickup game of volleyball for youth and young adults. We would go all the time, and never attended Sunday service.

You might have to wait until spring to find a baseball or softball league, but i bet there are casual basketball/volleyball leagues going on now. just have to call around. Those kind of leagues are less pressure, more just meant for fun and exercise. If you found something that meets on Thursday nights, for instance, and your ex always has Thursdays, you could even plan to attend and play as well. I used to go to a volleyball game in high school that met in a christian school gym twice a month. All ages, high school and up, and i would go with my dad. no set teams, just whoever showed up. It was a lot of fun, especially when it starts getting dark right after school, and there's less to do outside.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Your son, in his depressed state, is still looking for some power in the equation. I think if you offer options to what sort of activities he would like to do...giving him the full choice...but he HAS to choose something. That will give him a sense of power.

The divorce and acrimony may very much have robbed him of his voice...and his anger is building. Whether his depression is organic or situational...I think the powerlessness he may feel and his inability to change it...may be leading to the depression...which many say is anger turned inward. Just a theory.

The fact that he is looking to one day use his physical size to intimidate his family means that he is needing a means to vent his anger and have his voice heard and not be invalidated. If this doesn't change and he gets bigger, this could be a problem one day...if he doesn't have a healthy outlet to help him get through this season.

But if he does act out physically, do not give that behavior any quarter!


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> Your son, in his depressed state, is still looking for some power in the equation. I think if you offer options to what sort of activities he would like to do...giving him the full choice...but he HAS to choose something. That will give him a sense of power.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This is true. 

One of his biggest complaints is "no one listens to me" and "no one cares what I think" but when asked why he feels this way he can't really explain. 

I just tell him "I know son, none of us asked for any of this. We have to learn to play the cards we're dealt and make the best we can for ourselves."

Good news is he's finished most of missing work already and is playing a little Xbox with GF's son before bed. 

He picked a healthy recipe for us to make for dinner tonight. Turned out awesome. He took some pride in picking a meal everyone enjoyed.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

List of things S14 says is weighing on his mind. 

Btw, I've let him go spend time with his friends this evening because he did a lot of his work and I know that friends (or lack thereof) is a major part of his issues. 

•2 friends at a school that I hate with the bottom of my heart (2)
•High triglycerides
•Possibility of pancreatitis
•Still having to loose 20 pounds to get in the normal range
•Depression
•Having to take a pill I don't want to take for depression
•Concussion
•Teachers don't teach for crap
•Piles of late work because I don't understand it
•(Brother)
•(Sister)
•Being punished because I can't understand anything teachers say that flies right out of their mouth
•Possiblity of failing the 9th grade
•Friends are now apparently just objects you can just take in and out of someone's life at will
•Friends were one of the only sources of happiness
•Not happy
•A sister that's spoiled rotten
•A brother, whose face is glued to a screen 24/7
•Has to told what I can eat and what I can't eat because of the concussion
•Has to see doctors almost every other day
•Wallet
•Phone
•Have to distract myself from the other problems in my life with video games or some kind of social media.
•I won't even be finished by the time you get home (homework from last night)


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

It's great that he's talking and opening up to you.

A lot of crap to deal with but about the same as just about any other teenager.

It sucks.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

wow he's frustrated.

I understand his feeling that he has no power or control in his life. Being a teen is hard enough, but when events occur in his life that he did not bring about (concussion, divorce, depression) it is certainly understandable how the frustration must escalate.

Would you be open to asking him if he is happy with the current living arrangements, and if he's not happy, what does he believe could make it better?

Would he be receptive to a tutor to help explain the "crap that comes out of teacher's mouths." (My eldest with her 4.5 high school average still got a tutor for one math class with a horrible teacher).


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> wow he's frustrated.
> 
> I understand his feeling that he has no power or control in his life. Being a teen is hard enough, but when events occur in his life that he did not bring about (concussion, divorce, depression) it is certainly understandable how the frustration must escalate.
> 
> ...


I don't believe the issue is the teachers. 

He had the same problems in middle school - a school he liked.

His mom has been taking him to school early and making him stay late for tutoring. I emailed his teacher on Friday to see how tutoring was going and she says, "I haven't seen S14 for tutoring at all". 

I'm not surprised. 

His problem really isn't understanding the material - it's just doing the work. If he's so unmotivated that he can't do a simple class work assignment then he surely isn't going to respond to more exposure to the classroom.

We've talked about the living arrangements. That's difficult right now. I know he wants to spend more time with me. However, if I ask him and he says wants a change there's not anything I can do about it short of going to court. If he states his wishes and nothing changes it just adds to his feeling of helplessness. Nothing changes.

He just started Prozac and seeing a Psychologist. We have a follow up in 3 weeks. I think we need to see how the next month goes and reeassess.


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