# I just don't know what to do



## SophieTate (Apr 30, 2015)

I am new here to this forum, so please be patient with me! 

I am 44 married & currently separated for the 2nd time with my husband of 3yrs. Separated meaning a week so far. We've known each other practically all our lives been together total of 10yrs. Our relationship/marriage has always been rocky, one of multitude fights where he was the runner and I was the follower always trying to make things "better" as our marriage therapist at the time explained to us. However, we've always worked through our fights and we married in 2012. Once married, there were times where we would fight & he would leave for days sometimes weeks at a time & we rarely had relations. It got to a point where I stopped asking. He's a hard worker and good provider but I always just wanted him to want me & that was never the case.

Last May I texted an old friend/lover and we soon met up and have been having an on and off again affair. My husband and I separated for the first time this past October where he left for a month. At this point in time I had completely given up and my lover was ecstatic in that he is completely in love with me and wants me to leave my husband to be with him. (this person was my very first love as a young teen and I have always loved him but our lives led us down very different paths)

When my husband and I reconciled in November my lover was devastated and as it leads up to the present, he gave me an ultimatum either it's him or my husband. Basically, if I choose my husband we will never speak again. Currently my husband & I separated and I have made a choice to right now just take time for myself and not be with either of them because honestly I don't know what the hell I'm doing!!

I've already committed adultery with someone who gives me all the attention, love,companionship,friendship any woman could ask for, yet in my twisted head part of me does not want to give up on my marriage. I never thought I would ever ever in my life cheat and I didn't want to become that person. Never did I want any of this for my life!!

Why am I having such a hard time with this? I mean the writing is on the wall clearly, yet I'm also told that I need to start living my life for ME without anyone in it. I'm having a difficult time with that as well. I'm going back to my therapist this week alone to help try and find me. 

If anyone could give some sound advice being in a similar situation, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No kids? Divorce. Let your H know that you have cheated on him. He deserves to know.

Also. The idiot that has been cheating with you is not a good choice.

He is a coward with no dignity or good morals to have sex with you while you're married.

My advice is divorce and get some counseling to better yourself.

Take a good look at yourself and answer honestly...

Would a good man want to be with you right now?

You should get clear of both these relationships and start working on yourself. Take some time and become a stronger, more desirable woman and you will attract a better class of man.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

It is dangerous to play with 2 men's mind. You are cheating on both men and it is not right. A man who sleeps with someone else 's wife does not have good moral. I am sure he promised you love, heaven and sky but what he wants is the pride of winning you. I dont see any other love. In a couple years he may shoot it in your face that you cheated on you ex and he would be right!
I dont know if the problem is you or your husband since you admit that he is a good provider. Good luck


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Maybe it shouldn't be your decision....does your husband know about this lover?


----------



## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

Your husband sounds like a spoiled brat, a run-away jerk who abandons his responsibilities. Dump him.

If you have found your soul mate, and (this is important) you're not viewing the relationship thru emotional "beer goggles," nab him. However, I'd suggest a year long cooling off period before moving in or getting hitched to the new guy.


----------



## SophieTate (Apr 30, 2015)

Thank you.
No my husband does not know about this affair. He questioned me for the first time we separated because I for once, completely cut off every emotional tie, telling him I was done being treated like a doormat. 
This being the first time I actually stood up for myself and gave him the "screw you" attitude, his entire attitude changed. He now worries someone else is going to steal my heart.
It always seems that I never remember all the bad times in our marriage when we split and therefore my heart constantly rules my head I KNOW this is not the right thing to do.
Yes the man I am having an affair with I have ALWAYS had a very strong connection with. He is a man who can finish my sentences, knows my worst fears and is someone who has always made my heart skip that extra beat. I've known this man for over 32 years and have been with him on and off up until I started dating my now husband. 
HHB mentioned my my husband being a spoiled brat, that he definitely is and my lover being my soulmate. I've always felt that connection and question what keeps bringing us back together? I constantly wish I could change the past knowing very well it cannot happen. However, the very LAST thing I want is to hurt anyone.
I start my therapy tomorrow.


----------



## SophieTate (Apr 30, 2015)

*UPDATE 2018 Re: I just don't know what to do*

I would like to give an update of this situation, as it has been 3 years later...
I divorced my husband in Dec 2016.
Since then, my (now ex) lover and I have been battling back and forth for various different reasons, all reasons that go in sync:
Once divorced, he wanted to quickly move in, I wanted space but gave in against my better judgement.
Social Media (mainly Facebook) started to become an issue. Ridiculous one might say being in our mid-forties! 
So with these arguments/fights we would split up or maybe just not talk to one another for a few days.
This has been going on since a little before he moved in, in early 2016.

SMH... at the end of 2016 I started to think something was going on when he received a late night text from an unknown female.

Need I say the rest is history.
After that date, I no longer trusted him, it was always an issue no matter how many times we reconciled. 

Early April 2018, after an argument that left him leaving for 2 days, I catfished a woman from his Facebook to see if she knew of him. She said she did and that she has been seeing him off and on since 2015, but had last spoken with him Sept 2017. ( she found out he was lying to her and was using her when we were on the outs) We got back together Dec 2017, so I decided to let it lie, for the sake of HOPE that he was FINALLY wising up and would stay faithful and committed. On May 7th she proceeded to contact me again, to tell me that he reached out to her on May 2nd & to warn me to stay clear of getting involved with him!
When I confronted him for the last time, he didn't deny the relationship but denied reached out to her this time around. 
Needless to say, I have since kicked him out of my home, we are not together.
He however, I guess to make himself look better is completely denying he ever contacted her, (I HAVE SCREENSHOTS OF THE CHAT MIND YOU) and he is telling me that because I AM INSECURE I caused him not to trust his word.

Someone please tell me there is something very wrong with this picture?
This betrayal has broken my heart but I know he can never be trusted.
I'm just finding it very difficult to move on.
I am not an idiot, and I won't be played by him ever again.
It just really hurts.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for coming back and giving an update. We seldom get to know 'the rest of the story".

What has happened here is predictable.

Your ex-lover is a person who has a broken moral compass. I'm not surprised at all that he was cheating on you. 

Even if he was not cheating on you, it's also very predictable that your relationship with him fell apart once you divorced. Only about 3% of appairs last very long once they are the primary relationship.

If you want to understand more about this, read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harely. He explains why affairs do not usually turn into long term relationships. It also explains what happened to your marriage.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Do you regret getting divorced?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you got played and, yes, it hurts. Time helps but it can feel like it's moving very, very slowly when you just want the pain to stop. He probably isn't through with you so be prepared in case he keeps trying. Just remember his hurtful actions and not his loving words and keep him out of your life because he's toxic. He lied and he'll continue to lie. That's what cheaters do. No contact at all helps. You'll overcome this.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters cheat. Hope you've learned that lesson.


There is no such thing as a soulmate. As you've seen.

Fix yourself for your next relationship or it's apt to play out again.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sophie, let's be honest with each other, don't you think that there is a little bit of Karma here...you kind of sound like a hypocrite don't you think when you say"This betrayal has broken my heart but I know he can never be trusted." given what you did your husband?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SophieTate said:


> Last May I texted an old friend/lover and we soon met up and have been having an on and off again affair. My husband and I separated for the first time this past October where he left for a month. At this point in time I had completely given up and my lover was ecstatic in that he is completely in love with me and wants me to leave my husband to be with him.


It is not by chance that the first time that you separated from your husband was a few months after you began your affair, as you will see if you read other threads in the Infidelty section this is common for cheaters. You gave the affair partner (“AP”) home court advantage against your husband, because the AP knows all about your husband’s weaknesses (which you shared) and that he is at war with your husband for your affection, while your husband does not even know that there is an AP at war with him, much less the AP’s weaknesses. In this war you are serving as the AP’s traitor/spy. It is rigged by you against your husband with you wanting him to be in the wrong to rationalize your affair, and with the AP knowing to be on his best behavior as he does digs at your husband’s unprotected weaknesses. 

Following classic AP tactics, I am going to guess that when you complain about your husband, the AP told you such things to the effect of “if you were my wife, I would never do that to you”. Am I right?

Affairs do not fix marriages. If you were so unhappy, the honorable thing to have done would have been to tell your husband exactly how you feel, with a warning that you will end the martiage if not addressed. If he did not change, you divorce him, and then start dating the other man in the open.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd tell your husband about the affair. But, I think you just need to get out of the toxic marriage you're in, and not date for a while. Eventually, the pain will go away, and you'll be stronger, and will attract better men. That's just my advice.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: UPDATE 2018 Re: I just don't know what to do*



SophieTate said:


> I would like to give an update of this situation, as it has been 3 years later...
> I divorced my husband in Dec 2016.
> Since then, my (now ex) lover and I have been battling back and forth for various different reasons, all reasons that go in sync:
> Once divorced, he wanted to quickly move in, I wanted space but gave in against my better judgement.
> ...


You know what... Just don't be with anyone for a while, for gods sake. 

Based on your latest post, at your age, you really need to find out what a healthy relationship looks like, and guess what, it does not look anything like the last two that you have been in. 

I am sure that you MAY be starting to understand that, I hope? 

There was a reason why, you and your "sole mate" did not get married and stay together. Well whatever that reason was, that is the reason to NOT BE WITH HIM in the first place. 

We always romanticize our first loves, and very few time does it ever really work out. 

Take some time, get some therapy, learn about yourself, try to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like and then look for that. 

Am I getting through???


----------

