# NC is bad? Thoughts?



## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Let's Talk Again A Month From Now | Psychology Today

Interesting read. I agree to a certain extend. I've gone NC (no chat except through work). But I struggle with it, a lot.

But the ramifications of what he is proposing is that you might have to endure a multi-year romance to let it play out. That doesn't jive with modern social values and I suspect that most BS couldn't handle it because of it.

But still, it's an interesting thought.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I went NC. The OW came and really let rip at me. I felt badly for her, but it needed to be that way.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Her point is that you have to decide on a permanent end of the relationship. NC without that is useless.

Side discussion on the addictiveness of affairs, but that's a risky one....there is always the danger that given the choice, they won't choose you. But much as we don't like it, that is always a risk.

The importance of this post to me is that there is a cookie cutter mentality to how you fix marriages and I think it's a bit deeper than that.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Wazza said:


> The importance of this post to me is that there is a cookie cutter mentality to how you fix marriages and I think it's a bit deeper than that.


Thank you for saying that.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

NC worked for my husband and me. His AP attempted to contact him after nearly 3 months and he had no interest in speaking to her at all. It was at that time that I sent a letter to her boyfriend, exposing her. She sent ME a text telling me I was an insecure selfish person. Funny thing though...he and I were in agreement over it. She hasn't contacted either of us since. I felt bad for her daughter thought...poor kid is sick, dealing with a rare cancer or something like cancer. She used that as a means to talk to him in the first place. So, as much as we felt bad for the daughter, there is no way we would contact the OW.

And the same goes for my OM. NC means NC. I have been tempted to contact OTHER friends I chose to cease speaking to, but not the OM. I do not wish to speak to him. 

The cycle that was mentioned in the article seems to revolve around the APs taking a "time out", self inflicted. The impression I got wasn't that it was truly to work on the marriage. That isn't real NC in my opinion. In that form of so-called "NC", the affair is very much alive. In that case, of COURSE the NC won't work... because there is no remorse from the WS!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

NC is the ONLY way. A spouse cannot and should not be expected to hang around and wait for your(ws) fun to end.... I dont think thats in my vows. 'Forsaking all others' -that was in them. If he cant/wont go NC- maybe they belong together. One damned thing is for sure- Im not sitting around waiting for it to 'play out' ever again. 

My H has gone NC since he quit his job to be away from her in May. It was his choice at that point. But he made it because he knew I was at the end of my rope, no doubt. Its late August and only now is he even starting to look like he might be out of the 'fog' - as its known around here. I call it 'his head up his arse'. We had dday in February but he kept working with her for 3 more months. Not much was changing with his attitude. In May he quit to go NC- it was the ONLY way for me to R. If he were to break NC he'd find himself single VERY quickly at this point and our R is going pretty well. BUT I have ZERO tolerance for any more of this crap!


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

> So testing a marriage vs, a lost love affair, to see which is more important, by setting up a withdrawal from the affair partner (which increases longing) will skew towards the affair every time, and this has nothing to do with whether the marriage or lost love relationship is "better."


I think that 'every time' is too bold, but she has a thought.

The only thing I don't like about the article is that it offers no alternative.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Her point is that you have to decide on a permanent end of the relationship. NC without that is useless.
> 
> Side discussion on the addictiveness of affairs, but that's a risky one....there is always the danger that given the choice, they won't choose you. But much as we don't like it, that is always a risk.
> 
> *The importance of this post to me is that there is a cookie cutter mentality to how you fix marriages and I think it's a bit deeper than that.*


Interesting.
I read the article and its thought provoking and even a little controversial.
But the author listed a logical progression which actually makes sense.
The whole cycle of breaking up and going NC does cause anxiety ,depression and some may not be able to cope.

But then there is another side which was not mentioned. The anxiety the betrayed spouse faces every time her husband comes into contact with the OW, because of situations etc.

In the end it boils down to who is in the right.
In matters such as affairs,the outside partner has no rights, IMO.
If the wayward spouse wants to reconcile , then the betrayed spouse have the right to dictate NC. 
Wanting to reconcile means that the wayward spouse have seen the destructive nature of the affair and will do anything to stop it, 
Including NC.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interesting.
> I read the article and its thought provoking and even a little controversial.
> But the author listed a logical progression which actually makes sense.
> The whole cycle of breaking up and going NC does cause anxiety ,depression and some may not be able to cope.
> ...


You are perhaps assuming that the person choosing no contact in the article is the AP rather than the WS?

The author isn't objecting to NC on some moral ground giving precedence to the marriage, she is saying NC doesn't work.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What won't work ever are NC for 1mo, tentatives, barganing. Of course NC is a must but it has to be permanent, lifelong, a decision to end it for good. If you go NC just for a while "to give the BS a shot" it won't work becuase the wayward is mentally in the affiar. It's a matter of time contact will resume nad the cycle will perpetue.
Getting past the withdrawal is hard, I asume, but unavoidable. The opposite is simply irrational: Contact = ongoing affair.
If we were talking about getting off drugs or booze no article will defend the useless of stoppping drinking or popping pills in or der to detox. Ridiculuos.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

UPDATE : I reread this and now realize that what she is saying is actually what is preached here. Thank you iheartlife.

NC must be forever.

Most times it is broken early on.

NC is the only reasonable way the person is going to go through withdrawal IMO.

Allowing contact will prolong the affair. It is also low value to allow an affair to go on.

There are those who believe you should just wait out an affair. UFB.


http://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/nancy-kalish-phd

So I stand corrected!!!


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## AnnLindel (Aug 20, 2012)

The OW came and really let rip at me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interesting.
> I read the article and its thought provoking and even a little controversial.
> But the author listed a logical progression which actually makes sense.
> The whole cycle of breaking up and going NC does cause anxiety ,depression and some may not be able to cope.
> ...


I agree with the bold part especially. WTF is the BS supposed to do while the WS is on again, off again with AP? Compete? Pray? Beg? Threaten? Hope? Dream? or maybe curl up in a hole and wait for their WS to 'pick' them????? No Flippin' Way!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Wazza said:


> You are perhaps assuming that the person choosing no contact in the article is the AP rather than the WS?
> 
> *The author isn't objecting to NC on some moral ground giving precedence to the marriage, she is saying NC doesn't work.*


No,I edited my post to clear that up. My assumption is based on the premise that the person choosing to go NC is the WS.
He / She does it because they fully accept and understand the destructive nature of the affair and want to reconcile with their spouse.

Wether or not NC works depends on the determination and dedication of the WS to honour their vows and do their part in rebuilding their marriage IMO.
If the WS does this and has the support of the BS ,then NC works for them.
NC may however be devastating to the AP. But they would have to face reality no matter how hard it is.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

First that woman writes like ****, but it's alright, i'm used to translating insane to normal speak. 

That whole text sounds a lot like the junkie saying that he is going to leave heroin and he will be doing it a little at a time... From what i see, sadly, this never works. 

Plus, her advice isn't really to help the marriage, rather to help the cheater decide!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is interesting and I agree with :

A Therapist Suggests “Getting Closure”


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So someone correct me if I'm wrong, but the article seemed to suggest that "trying" NC wouldn't work, you have to go "cold turkey." Which is precisely what we recommend.

What prompted me to post is that this is sort of what happened to my husband. He was in an LTA and unbeknownst to me, reinitiated contact with the AP (at first he claimed he couldn't recall who contacted who, and then later admitted he did it. Trickle truth--just p*sses me off thinking about it!!). Anyhow, what happened was that very gradually they lessened their contact. Not all at once, but they would go days at least without talking much, only a few minutes here and there, and many weeks without seeing each other. Then she started grad school, and after looking at the phone bills I can see a huge drop off in contact there.

So, @ DD#2, it wasn't a big deal for my H to cut it off entirely and walk away.

But, as I've said several times now on this board, this only worked because I didn't know they were in contact. There is no way I would have been able to survive waiting out the affair. My self-respect would have been underground.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> So someone correct me if I'm wrong, but the article seemed to suggest that "trying" NC wouldn't work, you have to go "cold turkey." Which is precisely what we recommend.
> 
> What prompted me to post is that this is sort of what happened to my husband. He was in an LTA and unbeknownst to me, reinitiated contact with the AP (at first he claimed he couldn't recall who contacted who, and then later admitted he did it. Trickle truth--just p*sses me off thinking about it!!). Anyhow, what happened was that very gradually they lessened their contact. Not all at once, but they would go days at least without talking much, only a few minutes here and there, and many weeks without seeing each other. Then she started grad school, and after looking at the phone bills I can see a huge drop off in contact there.
> 
> ...


I will reread. From a addicts perspective one day at a time is absolutely correct. 

I think that NC is often broken early on but is not an indictment of NC.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> So someone correct me if I'm wrong, but the article seemed to suggest that "trying" NC wouldn't work, you have to go "cold turkey." Which is precisely what we recommend.
> 
> What prompted me to post is that this is sort of what happened to my husband. He was in an LTA and unbeknownst to me, reinitiated contact with the AP (at first he claimed he couldn't recall who contacted who, and then later admitted he did it. Trickle truth--just p*sses me off thinking about it!!). Anyhow, what happened was that very gradually they lessened their contact. Not all at once, but they would go days at least without talking much, only a few minutes here and there, and many weeks without seeing each other. Then she started grad school, and after looking at the phone bills I can see a huge drop off in contact there.
> 
> ...


Dear lady I believe you to be correct.

When she says NC will not work she is saying having a period of say one month will not work. There is no end to the affair.

So indeed. I think she actually agrees with what is preached on this sight.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TCx said:


> Let's Talk Again A Month From Now | Psychology Today
> 
> Interesting read. I agree to a certain extend. I've gone NC (no chat except through work). But I struggle with it, a lot.
> 
> ...


If you work with someone you are not NC. I changed jobs. NC means complete NC.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Interesting.
> I read the article and its thought provoking and even a little controversial.
> But the author listed a logical progression which actually makes sense.
> The whole cycle of breaking up and going NC does cause anxiety ,depression and some may not be able to cope.
> ...


I think the WS needs to suck it up. I did. I got some meds to help out. The BS is the one who was betrayed after all. The WS needs to go through withdrawal and get back to work on the marriage or decide that they need to divorce.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Wazza said:


> Her point is that you have to decide on a permanent end of the relationship. NC without that is useless.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree:

That is exactly the point. the article ends with the statement "But the person has to make a very firm decision that this is truly the end and then grieve the permanent loss." this is exactly what is recommended by most on this site. Unless the cheater makes such a commitment, NC is not only useless but counter productive.


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