# Apologies



## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

If I am vague right now, accept my apology. What I want to apologize for I may not be able to fully go into here but those of you who read my threads and interacted with them yesterday know. My postings were not a manipulative ploy. However, some unfair frustrations were expressed and for that I apologize. I was seriously trying to determine whether I have a place here on the boards even though I'm bipolar II and cheated on my husband and for those and several other reasons caused a marriage to collapse after 20 years. This is something I still mourn although it has been made clear to me that it's over. Thank you for reading and if you can understand these circumstances or would like to interact with me, I welcome your responses. Again, I'm sorry for being so vague. I've had a lot of personal info out there for a little while and this is a new, sometimes uncomfortable experience.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *swetecynamome said*: I was seriously trying to determine whether I have a place here on the boards even though I'm bipolar II and cheated on my husband and for those and several other reasons caused a marriage to collapse after 20 years. This is something I still mourn although it has been made clear to me that it's over.


I am of the belief that infidelity can be forgiven...if 2 people still love each other....life is not perfect, people make awful mistakes at times... one of our couple friends went through this, I encouraged her to stay with her husband.. it took time and much healing...but it was for the best, they have a strong marriage today....Every situation is different. 

There has been many "Deal Breaker" threads posted on this forum over the years.....Infidelity is generally listed as #1....it's black and white and you get thrown into a camp - labeled... 

I don't feel this way, it takes 2... if one spouse was cold /aloof, rejecting, blame shifting, months on end.... and the other found themselves in the perfect storm out of weakness/ desperation... I don't know.... then some BiPolar issues, some struggle with Hypersexuality maybe ...we don't all understand. Not all situations are created equal. 

It can be difficult here as many are speaking out of their own hurts , very deeply - having been cheated on...

Sorry swetecynamome, I wish you the best.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

Thank you Simply Amorous. I can understand that people are hurt by cheating spouses. It really is an awful thing to do and experience and live through. If the shoe had been on the other foot, no pain would have been worse. I thought the loneliness in my marriage was bad, the tone that began to be introduced into the marriage at the beginning of our difficulties and my spouse's unwillingness to deal with things after having been asked repeatedly by myself to deal with them, but being cheated on would have been worse. I see that now, as in, the present.

That being said, there is a group of divorced people who will not be reconciled - forgiven, maybe, as in one of the "12 steps" in AA but not reunited - but who nonetheless need a formalized process for working through what has happened. Much has been formalized to rehabilitate a marriage and provided to forum members for understanding the steps. I have yet to encounter a formalized process to rehabilitate a person who is single who can no longer look back but who must move on. It is true cheaters have to own what they did, but ok, what's next? And the reason this is important has been made clear to me already by a poster: To prepare the broken person for the next relationship and that's why consideration for this belongs on a marriage forum.

Putting cheaters in with people who have been cheated on for an indefinite length of time will not rehabilitate people in certain situations to go on and create a healthy relationship with someone else. I have encountered some people who are so scared of coming clean here that they are not completely truthful with their history which I think defeats the purpose of the boards.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't know if I interacted with you or not but your heartfelt humbleness and honesty here on this thread is refreshing and I commend you .Your remorse seems genuine.We are all human beings and most of us can understand /relate to that on some level at some point in our lives.

I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater"..Sure that can happen..But once a cheater can be faithful also and as faithful as a person who never cheated at all in their future.Some lessons have to be learned not imagined.You have the "been there done that bought the t-shirt" don't need to go there again kind of faithfulness.

Whats next? Forgive your self .While remaining humble.A combination of a state of being that is good for everyone to live.

((((HUGS))))))


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

None of us are perfect. "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone". Or something like that. Even a confused agnostic knows what's right.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> None of us are perfect. "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone". Or something like that. Even a confused agnostic knows what's right.


LOL!!!

Something like that..and the older ones dropped their stones and left first(as the older you are the more likely you have sinned and more of them too)..gradually there was no one left..but the woman adulteress and Jesus.Jesus of course the only one who had never sinned.He the only one with the "right" to condemn her ..being he was perfect..told her to go ...and sin no more...


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

My unfaithfulness began with an on-line communication with a man and lead from there and it happened when I was not connecting with my ex in some crucial ways. This man gave me the attention I thought I needed and of course he knew what he was doing. Ironically, now that my whole life has changed, this man came back to me recently, married still, wanting to revisit at least a dalliance and I see it for the sad, disgusting thing that it is. True, it was clear that somehow I needed to feel something that man's attention had given me during my marriage, it was a betrayal not to tell my ex what was happening at the time so we could nip it in the bud and get help. I was far away from my ex at the time, maybe felt too intrigued by the possible waywardness of it - yes, ****ty, ****ty stuff - and I should have fled at the first sight of a red flag that this would take me somewhere I shouldn't be. When this man approached me recently, I said take your passes to your wife where they should be directed, God has punished me enough. It was weird to have a new view of it from the other side. It felt like the veil of deception had been torn away, though too late. I had been so naive throughout most of my marriage. I was an idiot.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> My unfaithfulness began with an on-line communication with a man and lead from there and it happened when I was not connecting with my ex in some crucial ways. This man gave me the attention I thought I needed and of course he knew what he was doing. Ironically, now that my whole life has changed, this man came back to me recently, married still, wanting to revisit at least a dalliance and I see it for the sad, disgusting thing that it is. True, it was clear that somehow I needed to feel something that man's attention had given me during my marriage, it was a betrayal not to tell my ex what was happening at the time so we could nip it in the bud and get help. I was far away from my ex at the time, maybe felt too intrigued by the possible waywardness of it - yes, ****ty, ****ty stuff - and I should have fled at the first sight of a red flag that this would take me somewhere I shouldn't be. When this man approached me recently, I said take your passes to your wife where they should be directed, God has punished me enough. It was weird to have a new view of it from the other side. It felt like the veil of deception had been torn away, though too late. I had been so naive throughout most of my marriage. I was an idiot.


Its not too late..Yeah its too late to do past different..of course as it is for all of us..Its never too late to be a "wiser" this person on this earth at this minute...

Let me ask you ..what are you good at...???


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

I'm a published writer. That is my life. As well as caring for my son, who is a young teen.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

swetecynamome said:


> Putting cheaters in with people who have been cheated on for an indefinite length of time will not rehabilitate people in certain situations to go on and create a healthy relationship with someone else. I have encountered some people who are so scared of coming clean here that they are not completely truthful with their history which I think defeats the purpose of the boards.


I agree with you .... I have an idea for you....

Start your own Private SOCIAL GROUP here..... in your Profile... click on "Social Groups" on the left hand side... then down below>> "Create a New Group"..... and invite those who are struggling with exactly what you are ...It's a needed TOPIC - like you say....

You can be the Leader of this... inviting similar posters .. you can all wade through and brainstorm this together...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> I'm a published writer. That is my life. As well as caring for my son, who is a young teen.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

Simply Amorous. I know you are a Christian. Are you praying for me per chance? I got the strangest lead on FB of all places where most of my friends there are professed anything-but-Christianity, but almost all of them writers, publishers, editors. It was for an editorship position at a conservative Christian journal. I may go for it.

Prayers are welcome whether anyone is praying or not.

I would divorce me if I were my husband, just so people understand I get it.

And I think starting my own social group is a most excellent, most excellent idea!

Off to pick up my joy, my kiddo. He'll probably be in a mood as he has been recently with his own hormone changes. But I love him, I yes I do. And I'm glad for that, for him.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> None of us are perfect. "Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone". Or something like that. Even a confused agnostic knows what's right.


Thank you. You've got it indeed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

swetecynamome said:


> Simply Amorous. I know you are a Christian. Are you praying for me per chance?


You must not have read enough of my posts yet... I can not call myself a Christian, I have way too many issues with doctrine/ the fundamentals of the Faith....but many of my friends are Christians & well.. other than my "free thinking" beliefs & enjoying some PORN...I do have lots in common with believers...you might say I am a little mixed up... but enjoying life anyway. 
I should PRAY more often !











> I got the strangest lead on FB of all places where most of my friends there are professed anything-but-Christianity, but almost all of them writers, publishers, editors. It was for an editorship position at a conservative Christian journal.
> *I may go for it*


Sounds good


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

You know what? We are all a bunch of screw ups. We have probably not all made the same mistakes but we have all made our share of them. Infact....we do not just make mistakes. We deliberately choose wrong. We all have. So don't let your past define or determine your future. If you do..... it is YOU that has done it. The rest of us (here or elsewhere) are really not doing that to you. (sure some people will but not enough to matter). 
I am a Christian. What appeals to me about Christianity is Jesus. He loved sinners, outcasts, prostitutes, adulterers, cheats, etc.. He Loved them. And he gave his all for them. Awesome.


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

Making amends isn't the same as saying I'm sorry. Anyone can say I'm sorry for actions, words or a lack of. Affairs, are two sided. I cheated on my ex before we were married. I took full responsibility for my actions, yet, my feelings before I acted out on them is another situation. I tried talking to her, I tried to get her to understand what I needed and was trying to express my feelings yet going unheard and unfulfilled. Relationships interestingly enough take 2 people and both need to be working at some level together for it be be functioning. In order to function, of course, as with anything, on any level, it has to interact on some kind of level both involved are receiving some kind of satisfaction. We make bad choices. Some worse than others. I have come to learn, that those affected by affairs while they aren't responsible for the actions we chose to take, do have to take some responsibility for their part of the relationship that lead up the why we made our choices. it's not placing blame or responsibility, we're still wrong. Most of us do this as a cry for help, we hope it shakes the tree and wakes up the other and or escape from our present realities. No one should have to apologize for being human. You paid the price already. You don't have to keep paying the price. I've a deep understanding of the 12 steps. Yes, during the process we have to made amends, not to make yourself feel better, but because you're honoring the truth of your wrongs. Sometimes, as in the 12 steps groups, we have to make indirect amends, because to make direct amends would cause more harm than good. Making amends isn't about making us feel better, it's about them. But not to hurt them. Sometimes, to admit the truth can do more damage then good.. So, we do something indirect to right the wrong as best we can. Best of all we change if possible. Sometimes there isn't anything to change. It's just the results of the relative circumstances that with the right partner, you'd probably have never done. Now.. Start to know thy self. I am bi-polar. We've been given wonderful gifts with this blessing, and embrace our lives. Even if aren't "forgiven", well, that's on them. We have done our part. We forgive others, ourselves... even them for not being what we wanted them to be. Let go, move on and with those tools in that tool box build a new life. One free of guilt, shame and remorse. A wonderful book to check out is a Course in Miracles and a Return to love my Marriam Williamson. Good Luck, stay compliant, dance, dance, dance.. Remember this.. The next time you look at the beautiful sunset, or a beautiful flower thank the wonderful loving creator for making something so beautiful and wonderful and you were able to see it. Then go home, look in the mirror and say the same thing. Thank the creator that something so beautiful, wonderful was created and you were able to see it. Remember you're loved and never alone.. Good luck.. KCGUY


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

Thank you Kcguy. I agree with a lot of what you're saying and how encouraging you are to me! That is lovely! Thank you. I will not forget it.

The week before the divorce was final I wrote a letter apologizing to my ex for what I had done and told him that nothing he had done or not done warranted what I did to him. He said he had already forgiven me. The ramifications for me have been dealing with others who are negative and judgmental. But maybe if I'm right with myself, this won't matter as much anymore and some of the judgment I know gets magnified in my mind. In time, others' thoughts will pass but I will always have myself and as soon as I can start getting right there, I know I can start healing properly.

Thank you again for your thoughtful post and your very kind words. They are much appreciated by me at this point in time.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I didn't get to read your whole story but I got the gist of it. I will pray for you if you like. What specifically would you like for me to pray about?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

We all make mistakes. The best people learn from them.
I wish you all the best and hope you can forgive yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

sandc said:


> I didn't get to read your whole story but I got the gist of it. I will pray for you if you like. What specifically would you like for me to pray about?


Thank you so much SandC. If you could pray please that I can move on and not be sad and burdened by regret and shame, that I can forgive myself. Not just for the sake of being relieved but so that I can love others more fully too and forgive them when they need to be forgiven and reach out rather than be so self-concerned. I would really appreciate that. 

I also have very real concerns as a woman whose husband wanted her to play the traditional wife for 20 years and that means I didn't know how to do very practical things, especially as it involves finances. I'm learning. But things such as taxes this year, for example, are a bit scary and complex. I bought a house for myself and saw that I could be strong and do something difficult that I barely understood. But I am still living on alimony and a health insurance policy that will run out so in practical respects, I'm still walking on the edge. I haven't worked in 20 years. I was a librarian when I met my ex but worked for a system that didn't require a master's. Librarianship has changed drastically, even libraries are dropping off in some cases. I can be single and live on alimony. If I ever want to marry, I need to be trained for something and/or find a job. I'm wanting to be around for my son until he properly launches so I don't want to get too involved with anything. He's had enough changes in his life right now already. In a way, I am luckier than most but I still want to make the right decisions that will give me the best possible future for me and my son.

I am concerned that my child be raised as properly as possible in this broken situation and that his father and I do not miss anything we should be attending to. I feel the need to hold onto the ties of extended family for his sake though they have become troubled and strained and were always this way to a certain extent, but I need my extended family and it would be great if they would soften. My sister, my son's aunt, for example, does not talk to me now. (My sister and I married first cousins who were also best friends. Legal, but complicated. It has put my sister in quite the bind and she has chosen to remove herself from me. Last winter the pain was so crushing I finally understood why people might choose to do recreational drugs especially because her choices remove me from her niece and nephew whom I felt to be my own in helping to raise them, and having them over to our house, etc. And by the way, I don't do drugs, but I've never felt a pain so deep. And of course, my son needs his cousins, aunt, uncle. Sometimes, thank God, they will see him, but I am a different story.) I've kept it a little together with my parents. When I wouldn't let them take over my finances last year, they froze me out for a bit but now they're coming back around and we see each other on occasion. (There are issues of control with them but I've had to put my foot down for my own sake and they've backed off.)

Divorce makes a hash out of one's life. It is awful. And when families are as intertwined as his and mine are it makes it all the more devastating. This is why I begged and cried and pleaded with my ex not to follow through, to spend the money on therapy rather than lawyers who bled us both though we did have a fairly amicable divorce. Even our lawyers said they'd never seen two people more at peace with each other and asked us at first mediation - which by the way was also our final signing off on everything - whether we wanted to reconsider. I tried, yet again, but of course it was probably a joke to him that I asked him yet again but I did it anyway and who knows, crafty lawyers can use the repentant spouse as a means of breaking down the barriers to an agreement. Who knows. I will tell you truthfully though his father divorced four times, so maybe it made it easier when the opportunity presented itself. I felt sure he didn't trust me anymore and he told me he didn't when my initial begging commenced but after that point there was no begging him into remedying anything. At the mediation when I asked him again privately to reconsider he said he thought we'd both be happier apart.

Thank you for asking. I'm sharing my concerns. I don't know what you want to pray for. Both practical issues and emotional issues are on the table for me, so whatever moves. Thanks.

p.s. Having read this back through I see what a mess this is and it may sound confusing and I'm trying to make it as clear as possible. I will just try to fill in my story here on the boards as I have opportunity and/or if anyone wants to ask questions and help me fill in or straighten out my blind spots.

p.p.s. As regards finances: This is reminding me to sign up for a Crown ministry course, though I believe I'm familiar with their concepts. As someone who is now solely in charge of all of this, however, it has taken on a whole new meaning.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I haven't been following your story, but I will pray for you and your situation. I pray for people on here all the time...those who are my friends because I care about them, and those who I know are going through something rough.
> 
> Regarding forgiveness, I always liked this quote by C.S. Lewis~ "I think that if God forgives us, we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." Food for thought.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much LadyFrogFlyAway. What a great handle by the way.

I love C.S. Lewis. Thank you for that quote. So apt.

Yeah, I guess if this was my time to foul up, and I did it royally. I actually was almost always a goody two shoes growing up. Maybe that was my problem. My biggest regret is the child involved and any effect on him.

If you feel moved to pray, I've given SandC a list of my concerns. Whatever moves you. You are very kind to offer and I appreciate it to my core. Enjoy your Thursday and weekend to come.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> We all make mistakes. The best people learn from them.
> I wish you all the best and hope you can forgive yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you Little Deer!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

swetecynamome said:


> Thank you so much SandC. If you could pray please that I can move on and not be sad and burdened by regret and shame, that I can forgive myself. Not just for the sake of being relieved but so that I can love others more fully too and forgive them when they need to be forgiven and reach out rather than be so self-concerned. I would really appreciate that.


You are very welcome. I will pray that God grants you some peace on this. You have committed your sin and have reaped the outcome of it. The beauty of it all is that Christ doesn't hold this against you. He's already paid your ransom and you are a free woman. Forgiving yourself will be harder. I know this. If you've read my story, you know I know this. On forgiveness of self I like to modify this quote by RC Sproul:

_To demand from others what the Spirit Himself patiently endures is to exalt ourselves above God._

I like to change it to be:

_To demand more from ourselves than what the Holy Spirit Himself patiently endures is to exalt ourselves above God._

You've paid your price. Now let yourself go free.



swetecynamome said:


> I also have very real concerns as a woman whose husband wanted her to play the traditional wife for 20 years and that means I didn't know how to do very practical things, especially as it involves finances. I'm learning. But things such as taxes this year, for example, are a bit scary and complex. I bought a house for myself and saw that I could be strong and do something difficult that I barely understood. But I am still living on alimony and a health insurance policy that will run out so in practical respects, I'm still walking on the edge. I haven't worked in 20 years. I was a librarian when I met my ex but worked for a system that didn't require a master's. Librarianship has changed drastically, even libraries are dropping off in some cases. I can be single and live on alimony. If I ever want to marry, I need to be trained for something and/or find a job. I'm wanting to be around for my son until he properly launches so I don't want to get too involved with anything. He's had enough changes in his life right now already. In a way, I am luckier than most but I still want to make the right decisions that will give me the best possible future for me and my son.


Being a deacon, practical ministry is my bag! Are you attending a church? If not I would suggest it. Ask the pastor if there are a couple of men (never one on one) that you could meet with that could coach you on your finances. Even if you are not a member, call a local church and ask.

Crown Financial Ministries is also a great resource: Crown Financial Ministries - Helping you Find Truth, Hope, Transformation



swetecynamome said:


> I am concerned that my child be raised as properly as possible in this broken situation and that his father and I do not miss anything we should be attending to. I feel the need to hold onto the ties of extended family for his sake though they have become troubled and strained and were always this way to a certain extent, but I need my extended family and it would be great if they would soften. My sister, my son's aunt, for example, does not talk to me now. (My sister and I married first cousins who were also best friends. Legal, but complicated. It has put my sister in quite the bind and she has chosen to remove herself from me. Last winter the pain was so crushing I finally understood why people might choose to do recreational drugs especially because her choices remove me from her niece and nephew whom I felt to be my own in helping to raise them, and having them over to our house, etc. And by the way, I don't do drugs, but I've never felt a pain so deep. And of course, my son needs his cousins, aunt, uncle. Sometimes, thank God, they will see him, but I am a different story.) I've kept it a little together with my parents. When I wouldn't let them take over my finances last year, they froze me out for a bit but now they're coming back around and we see each other on occasion. (There are issues of control with them but I've had to put my foot down for my own sake and they've backed off.)


God can heal broken relationships as well. Just pour your heart into your prayers. Pray with a right heart. Don't pray and ask God to give you things. Pray for others. Pray for your son, your family, your ex.



swetecynamome said:


> Divorce makes a hash out of one's life. It is awful. And when families are as intertwined as his and mine are it makes it all the more devastating. This is why I begged and cried and pleaded with my ex not to follow through, to spend the money on therapy rather than lawyers who bled us both though we did have a fairly amicable divorce. Even our lawyers said they'd never seen two people more at peace with each other and asked us at first mediation - which by the way was also our final signing off on everything - whether we wanted to reconsider. I tried, yet again, but of course it was probably a joke to him that I asked him yet again but I did it anyway and who knows, crafty lawyers can use the repentant spouse as a means of breaking down the barriers to an agreement. Who knows. I will tell you truthfully though his father divorced four times, so maybe it made it easier when the opportunity presented itself. I felt sure he didn't trust me anymore and he told me he didn't when my initial begging commenced but after that point there was no begging him into remedying anything. At the mediation when I asked him again privately to reconsider he said he thought we'd both be happier apart.


The affair killed your marriage. He knew this. You found this out. For many people this is the only way to heal. You are now feeling the pain you inflicted on your H when he found out about the affair. You took something from him that you could never give back: your sexual exclusivity. So you have to understand that he felt every bit as much of the pain as you did. He is going through his healing process and you must go through yours.

Not to build false hope but others have remarried after a divorce. Rookie4 on this forum divorced his wife and is now dating her again. But she always let him know that she wanted him back, she never dated, she waited for him. It worked in her case. This is something you can pray to God for guidance.



swetecynamome said:


> Thank you for asking. I'm sharing my concerns. I don't know what you want to pray for. Both practical issues and emotional issues are on the table for me, so whatever moves. Thanks.
> 
> p.s. Having read this back through I see what a mess this is and it may sound confusing and I'm trying to make it as clear as possible. I will just try to fill in my story here on the boards as I have opportunity and/or if anyone wants to ask questions and help me fill in or straighten out my blind spots.
> 
> p.p.s. As regards finances: This is reminding me to sign up for a Crown ministry course, though I believe I'm familiar with their concepts. As someone who is now solely in charge of all of this, however, it has taken on a whole new meaning.


Don't worry about it. What you wrote is fine. And I suggested Crown above, glad you're already pursuing that angle!

I will pray for all the things you asked. Just know that God has plans for you. Plans to prosper and not harm you. He offers you hope and a future. Stay close to Him.

I don't know if you would consider it but I started a thread that was for people who had been involved in an affair to write down what the final outcome was. Were they better off? Worse off? If or when you feel up to it, I'd sure like for you to write a short synopsis of what happened and what your life is like today afterwards. I'll post the link if and when you're interested. No rush.

Lastly, Christ holds no ill will against you, you've paid your dues in full both relationally and spiritually. Forgive yourself.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

Dear SandC,

Thank you for your very thoughtful and comprehensive and incredibly useful feedback. I am still processing it, triaging what needs to happen first, second, last. This one does when one is picking up pieces. But thank you so much, and for the time involved too, to read and respond.

Had our marriage gone differently and I had not become ill, and had a host of other things not happened, things may have a different quality today between us we may be in a better place for reconciliation. But the cheating was more like the final straw, though it was a pretty major one. I think he had stopped loving me long before, or at least really seeing me as someone he could love. He said he was going to lose a lot by divorcing me but he wanted to do it anyway. So well, there's that. But yes, prayer should be ongoing, for everything, everyone. So many things would have to qualitatively be different for us to be together again, I'm just not sure it's in the cards. And that makes me hurt for my son. There are a lot of people who are ignorant when they are in relationships. We were told by our marrying pastor to seek therapy during our marriage and do it soon because of our histories and this was not something my ex was really interested in or felt he needed. I had to beg for that service for my child once the divorce was over so he could put the pieces together as my husband felt he didn't need help. It was clear he did. He had been an A student and his grades dropped precipitously. So there was always some denial going on for my ex. He's a nice guy, wants to see the sunny side, and was probably too nice about things when we were married. But I also couldn't make hm confront problems we were having because of the denial. Still, I missed out on a good companion in him. We were just dysfunctional as a couple and weren't able to figure it out on our own.

I've got an accountant now that I think might be able to help me. She's done our taxes for years and knows me and I don't think it'll be a problem to use her, at least this year. That's probably my next biggest hurdle into being an "adult," that and hopefully getting an extension on my health care benefits. The stress of the altered life, the worries for my child, the learning curve of being on my own has definitely taken its toll this year. I have some health concerns that I didn't have before. Again, divorce is no good. 

I am considering all of your points and appreciating them. Again, thank you for the time it took to write them out carefully and with consideration.

In Christ,

swetecynamome


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I'd still like to hear that you are under the care of a church. Preferably an elder or pastor's wife. We all need accountability. Given your history I think it's especially important for you.

Sorry if this is a question you've already answered elsewhere. Have you or are you currently getting to the root of why you chose to begin an affair? Not understanding the why's will just leave the door open for it to happen again.


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## swetecynamome (Feb 15, 2013)

I'm in therapy with a Christian therapist, a woman. We are definitely exploring all such issues. Thank you for your concern for me, your direction. And being in the care of a church is very important.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Okay, so you're not under church care. Fair enough. I encourage you to seek a church. Be choosy. Not all churches are created equal. Sadly.

I'm glad you have a therapist who can bring a Christian perspective to your issues. Very important and very smart on your part to work with her.


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