# OW from H's past EA is pregnant, but I'm surprised at my reaction



## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

My husband had an EA 2.5 years ago. As much as I know, it was an EA. She was/is single. After two D-days on my part, it has been supposedly no contact. In the past couple of years, I have come up with some (infrequent) evidence of OW attempting to call him, twice, although he claimed they were just hang-up calls on his work voicemail. One piece of evidence of her referring a case to him (they are both lawyers). 

The whole EA incident has been rugswept. My husband refused marriage counseling. I didn't feel like pushing it. On the surface of things we are reconciled. But deep down a resentment grew in me. I should mention that I harbored other resentment of his emotional/verbal abuse of me when our son (now 9) was very young. That treatment pretty much stopped once our son could express himself and his needs. But as a busy lawyer, H doesn't spend tons of time at home to allow for a healthy reconciliation.

The past year or so I have considered whether that affair went underground. I have become obsessed with running internet searches on the OW, and I even purchased a couple of VARs (I posted about that) but have yet to place one in his car. Zero evidence of a burner phone, and I see the other phone records, so I'm not sure the VAR would reveal anything, but it's still an option. 

Anyway, to the point of this post-- I found out last week via an internet search that the OW has a baby registry and is due in a few months. The joint registrant listed is another lawyer in the area. I have no indication they are married but they could be and probably are living together. 

What surprised me most was my reaction. I felt deflated. Like the wind was taken out of my sails. Like my mission of the past year or more -- to come up with sufficient evidence of a continued affair that I could feel justified leaving H -- is now moot. 

I guess it doesn't necessarily mean that my H has no contact with her, but it's much less likely. My reaction must mean that I don't love my husband anymore. And that I wanted an easy way out. At a minimum, I haven't fully opened my heart to him again.

Thanks for letting me vent. I welcome any points of view.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry you are here. Rugsweeping an affair never works as I am sure you know.

It seems like you were focusing a little too much on his involvement with the OW and not enough on his lack of involvement at home. The same behavior that led to his EA still exists. So if it is not this OW it could be another for all you know. He hasn't agreed to work in this in MC, that shows zero remorse and I wouldn't ever agree to reconcile with someone like that. 

It really sucks that the OW gets to move on with her life and you are still spinning your wheels. Her getting pregnant leaves you with no target for all of your unresolved anger about this situation. 

What are you going to do now? Are you in IC?


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Thanks Kristin, again, for your post. You're spot on that now I don't have a target for my unresolved anger. I don't know what I'm going to do. My options are 1) just try to get over it, 2) more IC (I did this right after the D-days but felt the counselor was trying force me to give H an ultimatum: MC or leave him), 3) place the VAR anyway and see what disrespectful, lack-of-boundaries-in-marriage behavior I come up with. There may be other paths I haven't thought of. Also, these aren't mutually exclusive. I do feel that bringing up the past EA with him at this point is somewhat unfair, but maybe I'm wrong.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

totalfive21 said:


> ...*The whole EA incident has been rugswept.* * My husband refused marriage counseling.* I didn't feel like pushing it. On the surface of things we are reconciled. But deep down a resentment grew in me.
> 
> 
> What surprised me most was my reaction. I felt deflated. Like the wind was taken out of my sails. *Like my mission of the past year or more -- to come up with sufficient evidence of a continued affair that I could feel justified leaving H -- is now moot*.


So you've been secretly hoping you would find something so that you could leave? The fact that your husband has refused counseling after his affair isn't enough? I suppose I can understand the rug sweeping to a certain extent seeing how it is my wife that is rug sweeping and I'm the WH...but at least I recognized I had problems and have embraced a rather intensive regimen of therapy (group and individual) in order to repair all the damage I've done to our marriage.

It seems as if both of you are not in a very "good place" that fosters healing. Don't know what to say other than keep pushing for MC? Best of luck.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

You ask if bringing up the EA is unfair at this point, it isn't but he hasn't changed so it is pointless. He inflicted this wound and left it open and you can't heal, is it any wonder. 

If you really need a "reason" other than the fact that he is remorseless and refused MC, place the VAR. Find better ways to spy on him because he knows you are watching him so he will be that much harder to catch.

I caught my H in what he would have let me believe was "only an EA", like you my gut would not stop nagging at me. I kept up with my snooping and found the evidence. I'm now divorced. I get what you are going through.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

totalfive,

My take, is that the rugsweeping and his lack of remorse, has been building up resentment in you - which frankly, is predictable. And it seems that it's gotten to a point, where you almost "want" to catch him cheating again; so that you can more easily validate your reasons for leaving him.

At one time, I had those same thoughts about my WW. But I've gotten past that. Now, I can say that I "hope" not to catch her cheating again.

You should talk to your husband about how you feel and insist on MC. Ultimately, you are the one that has to decide what you will do if he continues not to demonstrate the remorse you deserve. You can either stay with the status-quo limbo, or be willing to divorce him otherwise.

There's always the chance that he'll be receptive if he fears losing his wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

totalfive21 said:


> My husband had an EA 2.5 years ago. As much as I know, it was an EA. She was/is single. After two D-days on my part, it has been supposedly no contact. In the past couple of years, I have come up with some (infrequent) evidence of OW attempting to call him, twice, although he claimed they were just hang-up calls on his work voicemail. One piece of evidence of her referring a case to him (they are both lawyers).
> 
> The whole EA incident has been rugswept. My husband refused marriage counseling. I didn't feel like pushing it. On the surface of things we are reconciled. But deep down a resentment grew in me. I should mention that I harbored other resentment of his emotional/verbal abuse of me when our son (now 9) was very young. That treatment pretty much stopped once our son could express himself and his needs. But as a busy lawyer, H doesn't spend tons of time at home to allow for a healthy reconciliation.
> 
> ...


It might mean that. It might also mean that you have been hyper-vigilant and feel deflated because the "danger" is now over. Possibly.

But. You have many unresolved issues with your id...,  sorry, I mean husband. 

Ask him for family counselling, with all of you, including your son.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

totalfive21 said:


> Anyway, to the point of this post-- I found out last week via an internet search that the OW has a baby registry and is due in a few months. The joint registrant listed is another lawyer in the area. I have no indication they are married but they could be and probably are living together.
> 
> What surprised me most was my reaction. I felt deflated. Like the wind was taken out of my sails. Like my mission of the past year or more -- to come up with sufficient evidence of a continued affair that I could feel justified leaving H -- is now moot.
> 
> ...


I think you know yourself fairly well. You seem to be looking for an excuse to leave your husband. I'm sure that you have reasons to feel that way.

Do you live in the US or another no-fault nation? If so, you don't need a reason to leave your husband. You can simply file for divorce. But since I'm sure that you know that, you likely feel that it is unfair to him, after all these years of marriage, to simply up and leave him.

And yes, it would be unfair to him. But it is more fair than living with him while not wanting to. He will notice, if he has not done so already. And your child will notice and have to grow up in a toxic environment.

So there is no simple answer for your dilemma. The best I can do is to suggest that you see a psychologist and try to unearth the reasons for your feelings. Perhaps that will give you what you need to leave or, perhaps better yet, stay.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You probably expected to 'catch' your husband up to something with the OW and now it seems that your radar was off, that could be upsetting you. However, you are walking around 'wounded' because you haven't got closure on the EA (if that is what it was, could have been more), your husband has not given you the absolute love, support and wholehearted response that he should have given you, there appears to be no remorse at all, so you are in a fix. I would say, sit him down and tell him exactly what you think and feel. If he is not prepared to bend over backwards, (he is the one who messed it all up) then really considering leaving him.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

You need to determine deep down if you really DO want a full relationship with your husband. If all your needs were met and fears and resentments and anger were dissapated by his fully making amends, would you still want to be married to him? Were his EAs and past shoddy behavior towards you before and after his affairs a dealbreaker and you are just coasting along for your son or status quo?

Have you spoken up to him to express your lack of closure, resentments, fears, and distrust? He needs to know this in order to address his rugsweeping in the first place. If he is still unwilling to go to MC, at least you can rest assured you gave him fair warning if you do make the decision to divorce.

If you feel you cannot bring the subjects up for whatever reason, you may want to reconsider if settling for a marriage where you cannot share what is so obviously causing you pain is what you want for the rest of your life...or until you do catch him in another infidelity.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> You need to determine deep down if you really DO want a full relationship with your husband. If all your needs were met and fears and resentments and anger were dissapated by his fully making amends, would you still want to be married to him? Were his EAs and past shoddy behavior towards you before and after his affairs a dealbreaker and you are just coasting along for your son or status quo?
> 
> Have you spoken up to him to express your lack of closure, resentments, fears, and distrust? He needs to know this in order to address his rugsweeping in the first place. If he is still unwilling to go to MC, at least you can rest assured you gave him fair warning if you do make the decision to divorce.
> 
> If you feel you cannot bring the subjects up for whatever reason, you may want to reconsider if settling for a marriage where you cannot share what is so obviously causing you pain is what you want for the rest of your life...or until you do catch him in another infidelity.


On some level, yes, I am just "coasting along for my son and the status quo". But I feel that way because of my resentment. On another level, I love my husband and we have a long history together (known each other for 21 years, married for 14). One reason I haven't pushed MC is that I'm not sure I fully believe in it myself. Some counselors are great, others can perpetuate problems. Another reason is how long it has been now. And doesn't the 180 advise NOT to ask for MC? I know the 180 is for BS's ready to leave.

I have spoken to him about my lack of closure and distrust. I brought it up a lot right after the Ddays. Last September was the last time I brought that up (so 9 months ago), when I discovered from an email notification on his phone that the OW had at least dialed his work phone number. He told me it was just a hang-up call, but I insisted he call her and reiterate that she is not to attempt to contact him. He agreed to, and said he did, but he would not do it in my presence. This is the OW that is now pregnant.

When my H is around, he is mostly attentive and loving. Sometimes, he's moody and selfish though. The fact that he runs a law practice and gets home late every night while I care for our son and the house has also not been fabulous. I work too, btw. I earn a decent living myself and would not be too hurt financially if we divorced. With child support, I would probably feel that I have an even higher cash flow, because currently we live almost entirely off of my salary while we bank his. All accounts are joint though.

Thanks again to everyone for your wise words.


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