# HELP! I really need advice!



## confused55555 (Apr 18, 2016)

Hello,
My name is Kelly. I am going through a very unique and stressful situation. Let me start out with a little backstory. My husbands name is Bill. Bill and I dated for 2 years before getting married. I wanted to remain a virgin until I was married, so for that reason, Bill and I were never really intimate. Bill and I married in 2011. I was looking forward to our marriage together. However, after we got married, we never had sex. We tried, but I found myself not being turned on by Bill. I can not get aroused. I feel like I am not in love with him anymore. We have tried many times to have sex with no success. I just can't bring myself to get into it. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He is Good Looking, Patient, Kind, Supportive, and has never once pressured me for sex. he truly loves me and wants me to be happy. I want him to be happy. I have discussed how I feel with him. He knows that I love him very much, but feel like I am no longer in love with him. We have very open communication. I have felt this way pretty much the majority of our marriage. I feel like waiting to have sex until I was married was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I want to have sex so bad, I am sexually frustrated. I know Bill has to be sexually frustrated as well. I just don't know what to do. Should I stay and keep trying to rekindle the spark we once had when we started dating, or should I ask for a separation or divorce. I also realize that this is not just about me, this is very much about my husbands happiness as well. He would be devastated if I asked for a divorce. However, I feel that he would end up being happier in the long run once he found a woman who can love him in the way he deserves to be loved. I just don't understand why I can't feel attracted to him in that way. I used to feel that way with him. I have no idea when it left, or why it left. I just don't want to look back years down the line and realize that I never should have left him. I also don't want to look back at my life if I stay with him wondering what my life could have been like with someone else. I am turning 31 this year and want to have kids. I feel like If I don't make a choice soon, I may not have enough time to find love to be that mom I always wanted to be. HELP!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The most likely reason that you are not sexually attracted to Bill is that you have not had sex with him.

When a couple first fall in love, their bodies produce all likes of feel good chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and many more. That is the infatuation/in-love period. Dopamine gives a high that makes a person feel like they are on cloud nine. Oxytocin makes a person emotionally and sexually crave their lover. After about 18 to 24 months the production/uptake of these chemicals by the brain drops off. If a couple has built a strong emotional bond through non-sexual intimacy and sexual intimacy, they will remain in love. But when there is a deficit in either non-sexual intimacy and/or sexual intimacy, the couple will fall out of love.

This is where you are at. You are not sexually attracted to your husband because you have no sex with him. You do not remain in love with him because you don't have sex with him. This means that the oxytocin (bonding hormone) in your body is so low that you are incapable right now of feeling that love and desire for him.

If he's as amazing as you say he is, then he is most likely worth keeping. It's not all that easy to find an amazing guy (or gal). So this might be worth working through.

There are a few things that I suggest. One is that you have a talk with your husband and tell him that you have a problem with sex and it's not fair to either of you. That you would like him to go to sex therapy with you to fix you. Do not make this his fault. Just ask him to support and help you. Sex therapists have techniques they can teach you to build your desire for him and for sex.

Also I suggest that you read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. After you read them, ask Bill to read them too and to do the work the books suggest. This will strengthen your bond and build passion in your relationship.


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## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

If you have never had sex, then you are not really married. You have to consumate the marriage. 

Go get counselling first and if you feel nothing for this guy divorce the poor man and let him find someone who does want him.


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