# Please help me



## sadsally (Apr 28, 2013)

Hi,

I cannot believe i am writing on here...as i guess no one can when they first do...but i am heartbroken and have very little support.

I will start at the beginning and try to put in the most important aspects of our relationship.

I met my husband in 2000, he was/is seriously the sweetest, nicest guy. He was so romantic, kind, thoughtful, good natured and even tempered.
We married in 2003, he was an awesome husband, i would come home from work, he would put out a foot bath for me, he would rub my back, cuddle etc There was no doubt in my mind he loved me.
we decided to start trying for kids in 2007. It was hard, it took 13 months and sex became prescriptive. we were so excited to finally get pregnant, and my pregnancy and the birth of our son was the happiest time of our lives.
After he was born, we thought we would straight away start trying again, knowing how i didnt get pregnant easily. Little did we know that it would take three years of fertility treatments,including IVF before i got pregnant again.

Throughout that time, my husband remained kind, patient, positive, willing to have sex despite it completely lacking spontaneity or excitement. I made it obvious that i didnt really want to do it. He always made love tenderly, with whispers that it would all be ok.
The day i found out i was pregnant again was so wonderful...well the first half was....

That afternoon i was on the computer and was trying to choose a picture for a profile. The computer automatically took me to a massive collection of porn. Nothing too scary but HUGE, HUGE amounts of galleries of women...until i started seeing pictures of some of my girlfriends.

I have never felt so distraught.

I sobbed, i had an anxiety attack. Who WAS this man? who was the man that EVERYONE loved, and said he was 'amazing' how lucky i was to have him. Even the fertility specialist would say how lucky i was.

He seemed genuinely remorseful, crying. saying that the three years of trying to conceive were incredibly hard on him also (he always acted to strong!) he said that he needed to imagine someone else, just to feel like a normal male. He said it was hard being 'ready ' for someone who was going through the motions. He said he loved me so much, and that the reason he never told me he was unsatisfied with our sex life was because "you were already so down, i did not want to tell you i did not enjoy sex with you, and i wanted to perform' he told me he had started taking viagra in that time, that he had performance anxiety and that sex with me was very very stressful. 

He said he was sure he would stop and never do it again. How do you know?? i begged...
because we are pregnant now, because i can see how much ive hurt you, i would never EVER want to do that to you again.
PLEASE, he begged for another chance.
I gave it to him.
But i never really forgave or forgot.
We have spent the last year and a half, trying to rebuild trust. I am constantly checking his phone, his computer, his iPad. i never found anything but still could not shake the feeling that he could not be trusted.

In terms of his behaviour, he was loving, kind, thoughtful, considerate, he looks after my family, he is the most incredible father. He cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. He adores them (now 4 and 1) and they adore him. He is seriously the best father. He acts loving to me, he will cuddle me, kiss me, tell me every day he loves me. He makes me coffee every morning. If i ask him to do anything he will do it.
Except this one thing.

I asked him to tell me the truth. I asked to always be honest with me, i said, even if you go back to porn, fantasies etc, i NEED you to be honest so we can work on things.
Well, i basically have just found out, he is STILL watching porn. Still. Despite everything.
He just got sneakier at hiding it. He would download a browser, check out it out, and then delete the whole browser.
Someone like me who is not tech savvie would have no idea.
I tricked him into confessing by saying "ok i have found out your still looking at porn, are you going to be honest with me or what?"

anyway, he admits he went about 8 weeks - yep 8 WEEKS without porn thats it! the next year and half his habit continued. He tells me that he only looks at it every couple of days.

We went on a holiday to thailand last november (2012) - he was his usual wonderful self. He is very friendly, much like myself. I saw him talking to a girl there. He did not appear flirtatious, he never has appeared that way. She was about 19 (he is 43).

He confessed to me he masturbated about her. He also says he looked up her pic on Facebook (he is not meant to even have a fb account from the first time i caught him). He said he wanted to find her pic and masturbate from it. But because he couldnt find her, he masturbated over her memory. He says he would NEVER actually want to meet her, says he does not even know where she lives.

I told him he needed to come true with every other sin in our marriage. He tells me that during the time we were having fertility troubles he dabbled in a sex chat. Not live. He emailed two women, in their forties, they sent pics to him, he masturbated over them, and that was that. He says there were about 3 messages between them. He said he felt 'weirded out by it all' felt that it was 'too close to cheating' and stopped on his own. He promises he has not done it since.

My difficulty is, with all the lies from the past, i just DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.
He is willing to do anything, see a therapist, give me his iPad, phone etc...says he LOVES ME (does he???) that he does not want to lose his family.

We are a lovely little family. We are all kind and loving to each other. We have great friends, and a great life. I have NO IDEA what to do?

i told him 1.5 years ago, if i ever found out he did it again i would leave, i said if you feel tempted, then at least tell me and we can work through it, but dont you dare let me find out this is still happening.
Now i feel stupid for saying that, because i actually do NOT WANT him to leave. I love him! Life with him is actually pretty great! I would like more sex, but ultimately, a couple of times a week is not too bad.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
does this marriage stand a chance?
is he telling the truth?
do you think we can get through this or should i be leaving now?

I am so sad, so scared. I cant believe i am even thinking of ending this beautiful family.
But i just cant stand the idea of the man i love, explicitly fantasising about women he has and hasnt met. Even trying to contact them on fb so that he can look at their pics and pleasure himself. YUCK!

I am sorry this is so long, and that i am so hysterical, but i need advice, i havent eaten in 3 days, my jeans are falling off me, i am struggling to function, to parent my beautiful babies, i am crying all day long.


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## sadsally (Apr 28, 2013)

anyone??


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

He definitely needs to see a therapist to why he needs to do these things? You can't honestly love someone & fantasize or even try and "hook up" with someone else? Porn addicts are harder to break than smokers, but the key is HE has to want to? You could demand to see his phone or call/text logs daily or even have porn blockers installed, but who wants to spend a marriage being a constant spy, life is too short.
I'm not a big fan of threats but maybe you need to let him know how bad it's gotten & you have to look out for you & your children. He has to decide what he wants more, his porn or his family??
I will pray for all of you.


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## sadsally (Apr 28, 2013)

woundedwarrior said:


> He definitely needs to see a therapist to why he needs to do these things? You can't honestly love someone & fantasize or even try and "hook up" with someone else? Porn addicts are harder to break than smokers, but the key is HE has to want to? You could demand to see his phone or call/text logs daily or even have porn blockers installed, but who wants to spend a marriage being a constant spy, life is too short.
> I'm not a big fan of threats but maybe you need to let him know how bad it's gotten & you have to look out for you & your children. He has to decide what he wants more, his porn or his family??
> I will pray for all of you.


Thank you for replying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

Personally, this is how I feel..your husband is A GOOD MAN. you mention that a few times but it was loaded with the words 'but'. Sure he whacks off to girls on the net & so does many other guys but it doesn't mean that his 'faults' out way his qualities. I think for a lot of woman who had half the qualities he had in their husbands they would be incredibly happy. I think for your man sake, he could be suffering from low self-esteem, low self worth or confidence & does the porn & secrecy things as an escape from being under the microscope...I'm not saying its your at fault but those type of behaviours are 'red flags' for internal suffering from external sources, such as work, family, past issues or what ever. I think if I was you, instead of being a raging bull, sit down quietly, calmly, not emotional & LISTEN to him or tell him in the same manner that he is a good man with wonderful qualities, but his Internet fantasies hurts you & what ever the reason why he does it, he needs to find the path to fix it. He will because he loves you, & you mean the world to him...remember that.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Your story makes me sad. Sadly, I can somewhat relate to your husband, although I think he is further down the slide than I have ever gone, and it is very sobering to hear where I could end up if I don't stick with the plan to get porn out of my life completely.

Your husband is a sex addict. He sounds pretty deep into porn, but it sounds like it has gone beyond porn to me. Just a side note, Thailand is not a good vacation place for a porn/sex addict, as that country is full of prostitution and they prey on foreigners.

I would strongly suggest that you and your husband get counseling. If he is not ready to give up the huge monster he has hiding in his closet that has controlled his life for a very long time, he may refuse to go to counseling. I know where I've been at with my porn addiction, and it was not near as far as your husband has gone. He is much further down the slide. Seeing pictures of people you know? Wow. Him admitting to masturbate to real people he's met? That is a cry for help if I've ever heard one. Don't at all be surprised to find out he has been arranging meetings with women other than you. I would be very suspicious because he has moved beyond just the fantasy realm and into real people. 

He may have had some sexual abuse issues as a child. This is more common than most people think. If so, he is living this dual world where he is acting out from his fears and wounds. I had one incident as a child that really caused me to fear women. I was being baby-sat by three teenage girls. The younger two teenage girls (they were all sisters) locked me in their bathroom and stripped in front of me to see my reaction (I was like 8 or so). After this their older sister (she was 18) let me out of the bathroom and pulled me into her bedroom and said I needed to quit crying like a baby. She then asked me why I was being so silly since nobody was hurting me. I told her I was embarrassed and so she stripped in front of me and then forced me to touch her so that I could get over my "stupid fears". I fought her but she was a lot stronger than I was. I finally let it happen but I was furious inside. She kept telling me it was natural to like girls and to not be afraid of them. This was her twisted idea of "therapy". 

It turns out years later that all of these girls were being sexually molested by their father and everything hit the fan in court and ended in a divorce and some jail time. But the damage to me, though it seems minor to some (no forced sex or anything like that) became a very scary and traumatic incident for a shy 8 year old boy. It was enough for me to greatly fear females. I became obsessed with them, actually. I thought about the incident constantly, and when I first discovered porn in a shed 5 years later I was immediately hooked. I could finally look at a naked woman again and she couldn't do anything to me. She couldn't force me into anything. It was exhilarating.

I'm telling you this very personal story because I wouldn't doubt that there is something like this in his history. He is a good man, but he is also leading a dual life like I was. I thought getting married would be part of the solution. I told my wife before we were married that I had struggle with porn in the past. That was actually true. I was going to University, and had given up porn completely. Hadn't touched it in over a year. I thought I had "kicked the habit" only for the internet to enter my life (which dates me, doesn't it?) and lure me back into it again after struggling with our mismatched libidos (wife low, me high). That same ol' "friend" who "helped me" was ready to "help" me again. 

I'm now recovering from porn addiction once again. No infidelity, no real people involved (meaning it has all stayed in the fantasy realm and has never moved into any relationships or contact with real people). But I have feared many times that if I stay on the "porn path" I will most likely be drawn into illicit relationships outside of my marriage (starting online with video chat or something of that nature). Maybe my unhealthy fear of "real" women has kept me out of all of that?

I hope you find the help you need, and that your husband can win this battle. He is in a huge battle that will seem quite overwhelming to win because he has fought it most of his life and has lost over and over again. The addiction to the chemical rush caused in the brain from involvement in porn and/or peeping, etc. feels unstoppable. If he is that deep in the pit, he will need help getting out. He feels out of control and no matter how much he promises (trust me) he will not be able to simply quit without some outside intervention. He has become an expert at hiding his other life.


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## sadsally (Apr 28, 2013)

Creative....I really really needed to hear that...


creative said:


> Personally, this is how I feel..your husband is A GOOD MAN. you mention that a few times but it was loaded with the words 'but'. Sure he whacks off to girls on the net & so does many other guys but it doesn't mean that his 'faults' out way his qualities. I think for a lot of woman who had half the qualities he had in their husbands they would be incredibly happy. I think for your man sake, he could be suffering from low self-esteem, low self worth or confidence & does the porn & secrecy things as an escape from being under the microscope...I'm not saying its your at fault but those type of behaviours are 'red flags' for internal suffering from external sources, such as work, family, past issues or what ever. I think if I was you, instead of being a raging bull, sit down quietly, calmly, not emotional & LISTEN to him or tell him in the same manner that he is a good man with wonderful qualities, but his Internet fantasies hurts you & what ever the reason why he does it, he needs to find the path to fix it. He will because he loves you, & you mean the world to him...remember that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadsally (Apr 28, 2013)

Thank you for replying, I wanted to know what you thought......


eyuop said:


> Your story makes me sad. Sadly, I can somewhat relate to your husband, although I think he is further down the slide than I have ever gone, and it is very sobering to hear where I could end up if I don't stick with the plan to get porn out of my life completely.
> 
> Your husband is a sex addict. He sounds pretty deep into porn, but it sounds like it has gone beyond porn to me. Just a side note, Thailand is not a good vacation place for a porn/sex addict, as that country is full of prostitution and they prey on foreigners.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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