# Need Ideas to get respect back



## andyannu

My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years. She refuses to stop working on weekends or come home by 6 pm to be with our 10 year old twins. There are references to cooking. I am a trained chef and can cook very easily but I refuse to take complete responsibility of cooking in my household. I need ideas how can I get my respect back in this marriage
*___*
[11/28/21, 9:41:03 PM] Husband: Thank you for cooking dinner for me tonight

[11/29/21, 4:49:49 AM] Wife: Why didn’t you plan before going on shopping? I’m not the maid of the house , who will take care of kids , cleaning house, come cook dinner for everyone after work. You’re on diet so plan accordingly. I am not going to cook different choices for all the people. If you can cook for other people , you can cook for yourself too.

[11/29/21, 6:33:34 AM] Husband: Good to know , that cooking for your own husband is being a maid. By this standard and thought, I should call myself an ATM for the household, serving to generate cash , needed to serve the needs of so called "maid" . The "maid" is happy serving the other customers who pay her a "minimum wage" . Good to know you this is what you have reduced our relationship to

[11/29/21, 8:39:03 AM] Husband: But you raise a good point. Who are you, or rather "what have you become". When we got married , traditional wedding vows say a wife is "responsible for well being which includes everyone in family is fed". The husband is the financial provider. In modern world these roles can be switched or equally shared. Clearly your "minimum wage making beauty operation" does not make you the financial provider for the family. And as every single day goes by, you do not want to do the traditional wife's role. A good question you need to ask yourself, who are you ?

[11/29/21, 9:28:26 AM] Wife: Time has changed my dear husband!! I have done my duties alone for 20 years, without being appreciated!! be it taking care of kiddos health, activities, cooking cleaning & most importantly helping in finances with my husband trouble times. ( with my minimum wage)

So now I want everyone in the house equally come out & pitch in for all the work in household. I’m now tired serving & thinking of everyone all the time.

[11/29/21, 9:35:06 AM] Husband: Unlike you I cannot say I will stop earning and everyone else should pitch in. As for "troubled times " financial help, the sum which was probably helped out is now there and probably much more in your retirement accounts which now top more than 100K. so past has been taken care of. Ask everyone to pitch in equally in housework, only if you can equally pitch in to about 120K which the family consumes in finances every year

[11/29/21, 9:54:51 AM] Husband: Also please pitch in equally to managing 20++ banking , investment accounts, home maintenance and upgrades

[11/29/21, 10:03:07 AM] Wife: I have never said no for to pitch in for any expenses. I also contributed last year for home maintenance, which you transferred back to my account ( May be some ego problem you got)

[11/29/21, 10:05:00 AM] Wife: I’m not only one who’s consuming your finances. We both are equally responsible for this family. How much you’re earning it doesn’t depend on that. How much you’re showing respect in relationship that matters most.

[11/29/21, 10:05:02 AM] Husband: Contribute towards the work before you demand everyone else contributes to cleaning and cooking. Besides all I have already mentioned, there is insurances for home, cars, medicals and dentals which need to managed, credit card need to managed, utility and telephone bills need to managed. All that work is not visible to you.

[11/29/21, 10:06:14 AM] Wife: You complicate so much cards . Put it in one account & give me all the info. I will take care of them every month

[11/29/21, 10:06:26 AM] Wife: I will pay from my account too.

[11/29/21, 10:06:34 AM] Husband: You disrespect everyone in the family by constant yelling over cleaning. I have largely kept quiet when you keep consuming all services related to banking, insurance, home maintenance, credit cards but contribute 0% to the work involved

[11/29/21, 10:07:04 AM] Husband: I told you years back to start with utilities , check bills, you even refused to do that

[11/29/21, 10:07:43 AM] Wife: I never refuse, but no one helps me in other chores if he house. Then I can’t do alone everything.

[11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM] Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.

[11/29/21, 10:10:31 AM] Wife: I will keep yelling on everyone for cleaning, since they are the one who made mess. I want to raise my kids as respecting other spouse & pitch in everywhere they can unlikely you disrespect on money all the time & keep saying we don’t need money now & keep whining about Money all the time & spend it where it’s not needed

[11/29/21, 10:11:11 AM] Wife: Grow up you whiny kid! Behave like a 50 year old

[11/29/21, 10:11:55 AM] Husband: Right now demand is ( our daughter ) will pick up my kids, I am to cook my own meals, All this is subsidizing so you can spend more time in your "minimum wage beauty operation". Why should I subsidize your operation with my time, when you refused to help in banking, credit cards, investments, home maintenance, insurances etc

[11/29/21, 10:13:48 AM] Husband: Not to forget taxes including taxes and accounting for beauty parlor

[11/29/21, 10:14:39 AM] Wife: Because my kiddos so called father need nap in the afternoon. I have raised a beautiful & responsible daughter who I picked & dropped her all the time. She is g graciously giving me back . Ask your daughter what’s her image of you as her father, when you keep whining about my friends to her

[11/29/21, 10:15:03 AM] Wife: I will do it individually my parlor account . You’re out of it
*___*


I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


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## ccpowerslave

andyannu said:


> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


This interaction seems pretty far gone to me.

Division of labor should happen naturally. Harping on her job/hobby and complaining that she could have been doing X, Y, or Z on the house is never going to work in my opinion.

Do you actually care about the money or is it just you want her to be doing housewife chores? Do you care if she does the chores or you just don’t want it to be you doing them? If that is the case, hire a maid.


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## D0nnivain

Since she is a business woman (even if you have no respect for what she's doing), try sitting down with her, treating your marriage a bit like a business in terms of contributions -- both time & money. Figure out an equitable division based on both time & money. Then live that life. Once you find balance there you may come out to love each other more but right now it is all about winners & losers. When you play a zero sum game you both lose.


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## MarmiteC

andyannu said:


> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


You need to start by respecting her work also, no matter what it pays. You are disrespecting her choice to work in a lower paid profession simply because you do not value it, you don't see how it contributes to your life, yet you see how yours contributes to hers.

Do you enjoy your profession? Do you take some sense of job satisfaction? Why can't she?


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## Anastasia6

I've read all your posts. I see no respect for your wife why would she respect you in return?

You married wrong. You wanted a wife appliance or a maid and mother. She wants to do something else so you are mad. YOU may think money is the only thing that matters in life but most people want some sense of satisfaction as well.

I raise fish as a side business. In one year I might make 2000 in another I might spend 1000. So it isn't that great of a business but it is immensely satisfying. I've bred fish that most can't. I'm working on fish that only a handful of people have managed. I'm reducing the demand for wild caught fish while inspiring people to think about our oceans and the impact people have on them. I find this challenging and fun. It's kind of a hobby kind of a business. I have never given up on making it a full business. The fact my husband helps and understands means a lot to me. If he had your dismissive attitude I can't imagine what that would do to our relationship.

I think most couples can navigate life if they communicate. However all you are communicating is that you don't value her as anything more than a maid.

ETA: as far as long term success. I've been happily married for 27 years. 28 in less than a month. Actually happily married versus married.


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## hamadryad

MarmiteC said:


> You need to start by respecting her work also, no matter what it pays. You are disrespecting her choice to work in a lower paid profession simply because you do not value it, you don't see how it contributes to your life, yet you see how yours contributes to hers.
> 
> Do you enjoy your profession? Do you take some sense of job satisfaction? Why can't she?



I know very wealthy guys who have wives that run businesses that either perpetually lose money or at best break even...They see it as a no lose, because she is getting out of the house and enjoying whatever it is she is doing, even though she isn't bringing home any money...It doesn't matter at the end...

But that doesn't work for people that aren't wealthy...If she isn't making any money and other things are falling apart, then you have to make decisions that are best for the family....Believe me that I know almost no men that truly enjoy whatever it is that they are doing for a living...They do it because it pays more than working at GameStop, polishing the fenders at the Ferrari dealership, or feeding the animals at the local Zoo..

Maybe she could resume her beauty business when the kids get older or some other compromise...I didn't really zone in on the back and forth, but I can see how that might be pretty aggravating to the typical guy out there...


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## drencrom

andyannu said:


> My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years.


Alot to digest, but I have to ask about this.

Working 7 days a week and only making $2,000/year? Is she giving styles out for free? Or just not getting any customers?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

andyannu said:


> My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years. She refuses to stop working on weekends or come home by 6 pm to be with our 10 year old twins. There are references to cooking. I am a trained chef and can cook very easily but I refuse to take complete responsibility of cooking in my household. I need ideas how can I get my respect back in this marriage
> *___*
> [11/28/21, 9:41:03 PM] Husband: Thank you for cooking dinner for me tonight
> 
> [11/29/21, 4:49:49 AM] Wife: Why didn’t you plan before going on shopping? I’m not the maid of the house , who will take care of kids , cleaning house, come cook dinner for everyone after work. You’re on diet so plan accordingly. I am not going to cook different choices for all the people. If you can cook for other people , you can cook for yourself too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 6:33:34 AM] Husband: Good to know , that cooking for your own husband is being a maid. By this standard and thought, I should call myself an ATM for the household, serving to generate cash , needed to serve the needs of so called "maid" . The "maid" is happy serving the other customers who pay her a "minimum wage" . Good to know you this is what you have reduced our relationship to
> 
> [11/29/21, 8:39:03 AM] Husband: But you raise a good point. Who are you, or rather "what have you become". When we got married , traditional wedding vows say a wife is "responsible for well being which includes everyone in family is fed". The husband is the financial provider. In modern world these roles can be switched or equally shared. Clearly your "minimum wage making beauty operation" does not make you the financial provider for the family. And as every single day goes by, you do not want to do the traditional wife's role. A good question you need to ask yourself, who are you ?
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:28:26 AM] Wife: Time has changed my dear husband!! I have done my duties alone for 20 years, without being appreciated!! be it taking care of kiddos health, activities, cooking cleaning & most importantly helping in finances with my husband trouble times. ( with my minimum wage)
> 
> So now I want everyone in the house equally come out & pitch in for all the work in household. I’m now tired serving & thinking of everyone all the time.
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:35:06 AM] Husband: Unlike you I cannot say I will stop earning and everyone else should pitch in. As for "troubled times " financial help, the sum which was probably helped out is now there and probably much more in your retirement accounts which now top more than 100K. so past has been taken care of. Ask everyone to pitch in equally in housework, only if you can equally pitch in to about 120K which the family consumes in finances every year
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:54:51 AM] Husband: Also please pitch in equally to managing 20++ banking , investment accounts, home maintenance and upgrades
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:03:07 AM] Wife: I have never said no for to pitch in for any expenses. I also contributed last year for home maintenance, which you transferred back to my account ( May be some ego problem you got)
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:00 AM] Wife: I’m not only one who’s consuming your finances. We both are equally responsible for this family. How much you’re earning it doesn’t depend on that. How much you’re showing respect in relationship that matters most.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:02 AM] Husband: Contribute towards the work before you demand everyone else contributes to cleaning and cooking. Besides all I have already mentioned, there is insurances for home, cars, medicals and dentals which need to managed, credit card need to managed, utility and telephone bills need to managed. All that work is not visible to you.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:14 AM] Wife: You complicate so much cards . Put it in one account & give me all the info. I will take care of them every month
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:26 AM] Wife: I will pay from my account too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:34 AM] Husband: You disrespect everyone in the family by constant yelling over cleaning. I have largely kept quiet when you keep consuming all services related to banking, insurance, home maintenance, credit cards but contribute 0% to the work involved
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:04 AM] Husband: I told you years back to start with utilities , check bills, you even refused to do that
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:43 AM] Wife: I never refuse, but no one helps me in other chores if he house. Then I can’t do alone everything.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM] Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:10:31 AM] Wife: I will keep yelling on everyone for cleaning, since they are the one who made mess. I want to raise my kids as respecting other spouse & pitch in everywhere they can unlikely you disrespect on money all the time & keep saying we don’t need money now & keep whining about Money all the time & spend it where it’s not needed
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:11 AM] Wife: Grow up you whiny kid! Behave like a 50 year old
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:55 AM] Husband: Right now demand is ( our daughter ) will pick up my kids, I am to cook my own meals, All this is subsidizing so you can spend more time in your "minimum wage beauty operation". Why should I subsidize your operation with my time, when you refused to help in banking, credit cards, investments, home maintenance, insurances etc
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:13:48 AM] Husband: Not to forget taxes including taxes and accounting for beauty parlor
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:14:39 AM] Wife: Because my kiddos so called father need nap in the afternoon. I have raised a beautiful & responsible daughter who I picked & dropped her all the time. She is g graciously giving me back . Ask your daughter what’s her image of you as her father, when you keep whining about my friends to her
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:15:03 AM] Wife: I will do it individually my parlor account . You’re out of it
> *___*
> 
> 
> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


Cut off all her access to the financial benefits from your income and stop doing her supper, food shopping, cooking any of her meals, and plan fun times for family without consulting her. 

Live in your life. Don't plan around her on anything. 

Let her experience all the problems she thinks she has but doesn't. Introduce her to the real world. It can't get worse for you. Take all of her subscriptions off your credit cards, put all but one card in your name only. Stop paying her personal bills and clothing costs, stop her gas card.


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## Livvie

She obviously isn't behaving as a life partner if she has been working 7 days a week for years and years, with little time left to attend to the family/kids and only makes 1 to 2 k a year. That's honestly like robbing the family of her energy, care, and time. 

If it's 2k a year, that means she brings home $38.46 A WEEK. Yes, less than thirty nine dollars a week. That's beyond, far far far beyond stupid and no one in their right mind can defend it.


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## MarmiteC

hamadryad said:


> I know very wealthy guys who have wives that run businesses that either perpetually lose money or at best break even...They see it as a no lose, because she is getting out of the house and enjoying whatever it is she is doing, even though she isn't bringing home any money...It doesn't matter at the end...
> 
> But that doesn't work for people that aren't wealthy...If she isn't making any money and other things are falling apart, then you have to make decisions that are best for the family....Believe me that I know almost no men that truly enjoy whatever it is that they are doing for a living...They do it because it pays more than working at GameStop, polishing the fenders at the Ferrari dealership, or feeding the animals at the local Zoo..
> 
> Maybe she could resume her beauty business when the kids get older or some other compromise...I didn't really zone in on the back and forth, but I can see how that might be pretty aggravating to the typical guy out there...


Agreed, meeting the family needs should come first with all decisions taken as a couple. But in this and another post he made I think he used the word financially 'comfortable'. 
If they need more financially I see that as a different discussion than the one the OP is currently having.


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## andyannu

ccpowerslave said:


> This interaction seems pretty far gone to me.
> 
> Division of labor should happen naturally. Harping on her job/hobby and complaining that she could have been doing X, Y, or Z on the house is never going to work in my opinion.
> 
> Do you actually care about the money or is it just you want her to be doing housewife chores? Do you care if she does the chores or you just don’t want it to be you doing them? If that is the case, hire a maid.


Currently her choice of profession and business model, requires her to take time away from kids on weekend and late in evenings to be with her clients. The return is barely minimum wage after 5 years. So with this kind of return , I do not care about the money. Also as I said, I have paid all bills last 11 years. $0 has been paid for household expenses like grocery, mortgage etc. She has paid on three occassions once to buy a car for our daughter, and twice partially for vacations we took


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## andyannu

MarmiteC said:


> You need to start by respecting her work also, no matter what it pays. You are disrespecting her choice to work in a lower paid profession simply because you do not value it, you don't see how it contributes to your life, yet you see how yours contributes to hers.
> 
> Do you enjoy your profession? Do you take some sense of job satisfaction? Why can't she?


The question is what is her primary job "being a mother" or being a business women. I would be okay, if she worked weekdays and regular hours. But she wants to work till 7-8 pm many weekdays and weekends. At finally if it brings returns closer to minimum wage, I do not know how I can respect such a "family breaking" decision . Note she has been doing this for five years. I have reached end of my patience


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## andyannu

drencrom said:


> Alot to digest, but I have to ask about this.
> 
> Working 7 days a week and only making $2,000/year? Is she giving styles out for free? Or just not getting any customers?


Her revenue ranges between 3-4 thousand. After $1000 rent and other expenses, add taxes, she barely makes $2000. First four years she made no more than $1000 a month. I have told her business model is flawed and if she wants to stay in business, she needs to hire other beauticians and employees, who can then bring in revenue to cover the rent and other overheads.


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## andyannu

Livvie said:


> She obviously isn't behaving as a life partner if she has been working 7 days a week for years and years, with little time left to attend to the family/kids and only makes 1 to 2 k a year. That's honestly like robbing the family of her energy, care, and time.
> 
> If it's 2k a year, that means she brings home $38.46 A WEEK. Yes, less than thirty nine dollars a week. That's beyond, far far far beyond stupid and no one in their right mind can defend it.


Well it seems too many on this blog are defending her saying, I am not respecting her choice of profession.


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## andyannu

Thank you all of you for your responses


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## TexasMom1216

andyannu said:


> The question is what is her primary job "being a mother" or being a business women. I would be okay, if she worked weekdays and regular hours. But she wants to work till 7-8 pm many weekdays and weekends. At finally if it brings returns closer to minimum wage, I do not know how I can respect such a "family breaking" decision . Note she has been doing this for five years. I have reached end of my patience


You don't want a wife, you want a servant who lives and breathes only for you. You don't respect her or care at all about her, you're just using her. After years of not mattering at all, I'm sure she is miserable. She's realized she has wasted her life on someone who feels nothing for her and considers her at best an overpaid, incompetent, low-level employee. You would be fine if she wants to "play" at being a person (hence the quotes you put around business woman) as long as it doesn't inconvenience you in any way. You care NOTHING for her. If you divorce her and marry again, you'll be right back where you are now. This poor woman has been miserable and alone for years and you DO NOT CARE, you don't even think it matters.


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## andyannu

hamadryad said:


> I know very wealthy guys who have wives that run businesses that either perpetually lose money or at best break even...They see it as a no lose, because she is getting out of the house and enjoying whatever it is she is doing, even though she isn't bringing home any money...It doesn't matter at the end...
> 
> But that doesn't work for people that aren't wealthy...If she isn't making any money and other things are falling apart, then you have to make decisions that are best for the family....Believe me that I know almost no men that truly enjoy whatever it is that they are doing for a living...They do it because it pays more than working at GameStop, polishing the fenders at the Ferrari dealership, or feeding the animals at the local Zoo..
> 
> Maybe she could resume her beauty business when the kids get older or some other compromise...I didn't really zone in on the back and forth, but I can see how that might be pretty aggravating to the typical guy out there...


Thank you


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## jonty30

andyannu said:


> Her revenue ranges between 3-4 thousand. After $1000 rent and other expenses, add taxes, she barely makes $2000. First four years she made no more than $1000 a month. I have told her business model is flawed and if she wants to stay in business, she needs to hire other beauticians and employees, who can then bring in revenue to cover the rent and other overheads.


Or work from home, oncall or within her home, where there is no rent. 
I know hairsylists who have full beauty salon setups in their home.

That seems to be what she should be doing.


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## jonty30

TexasMom1216 said:


> You don't want a wife, you want a servant who lives and breathes only for you. You don't respect her or care at all about her, you're just using her. After years of not mattering at all, I'm sure she is miserable. She's realized she has wasted her life on someone who feels nothing for her and considers her at best an overpaid, incompetent, low-level employee. You would be fine if she wants to "play" at being a person (hence the quotes you put around business woman) as long as it doesn't inconvenience you in any way. You care NOTHING for her. If you divorce her and marry again, you'll be right back where you are now. This poor woman has been miserable and alone for years and you DO NOT CARE, you don't even think it matters.


He's not wealthy enough to support his wife's vanity business. 
By vanity, I mean because she doesn't make money and not because it's not important to her.


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## andyannu

MarmiteC said:


> Agreed, meeting the family needs should come first with all decisions taken as a couple. But in this and another post he made I think he used the word financially 'comfortable'.
> If they need more financially I see that as a different discussion than the one the OP is currently having.



"Needing more financially " is a flexible idea. How does not want more money. But one can lay some parameters only if your wife is willing to sit and discuss these with you. She will not do a budget. She will not do any bills. I do monthly analysis of what $$ came in and how much did we spend. Some months I dip into savings to meet the needs. She gets annoyed when I send her this synopsis. 


Yes we are financially comfortable, since I work two jobs. Most people responding missed seeing that. I have full time 40 hr week corporate job. I moonlight teaching in evenings and weekends. Thus last 11 years I have paid all the bills with $0 contribution from her. I have even paid for her mother's surgery.


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## andyannu

jonty30 said:


> Or work from home, oncall or within her home, where there is no rent.
> I know hairsylists who have full beauty salon setups in their home.
> 
> That seems to be what she should be doing.


We bought a home with specific needs for her to run her business from home. She got pregnant and could not work next 5 years. After 5 years she decided, the room was no good so she should rent. Now for every $2 which comes in revenue $1 goes out in rent. I have told her this many times. But it makes sense to her


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## andyannu

andyannu said:


> We bought a home with specific needs for her to run her business from home. She got pregnant and could not work next 5 years. After 5 years she decided, the room was no good so she should rent. Now for every $2 which comes in revenue $1 goes out in rent. I have told her this many times. But it makes sense to her



And needless to say, for those 5 years she did not work, I was left to pay a bigger mortgage for a house which included a room for her business. For all those complaining that I do not respect her, where is respect for me. In those years , first time in my life I had credit card debt. I had to work two jobs to pay it off


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## DownByTheRiver

D0nnivain said:


> Since she is a business woman (even if you have no respect for what she's doing), try sitting down with her, treating your marriage a bit like a business in terms of contributions -- both time & money. Figure out an equitable division based on both time & money. Then live that life. Once you find balance there you may come out to love each other more but right now it is all about winners & losers. When you play a zero sum game you both lose.


He just doesn't want to do housework. One of my friends husband harped on her about how little she was making to get her to quit after she'd gone to school for it and was just getting started because he didn't want to have to do housework or any of the picking up the kids and all that. She may be working just as hard as he is but just making less money which certainly isn't news to most women.


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## DownByTheRiver

Housework isn't her chosen profession. She's fed up with it, understandably, and she has a very good point about what she's teaching her children. 

She's working and had been doing everything else. You were working more and didn't want to get your hands dirty with housework. Now neither one of you do, so hire a maid to come and do deep cleaning once a week. 

Ask her to contribute more financially and ask her which part of the bill paying she would be willing to do. Obviously not the credit cards since she doesn't like that you have multiple ones instead of just one. If she just says she doesn't want to do any of the bill paying, then take advantage of modern times and set it up for automatic withdrawal and ask her to put some of it on her own account so she's paying into it.


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## Livvie

DownByTheRiver said:


> Housework isn't her chosen profession. She's fed up with it, understandably, and she has a very good point about what she's teaching her children.
> 
> She's working and had been doing everything else. You were working more and didn't want to get your hands dirty with housework. Now neither one of you do, so hire a maid to come and do deep cleaning once a week.
> 
> Ask her to contribute more financially and ask her which part of the bill paying she would be willing to do. Obviously not the credit cards since she doesn't like that you have multiple ones instead of just one. If she just says she doesn't want to do any of the bill paying, then take advantage of modern times and set it up for automatic withdrawal and ask her to put some of it on her own account so she's paying into it.


Anyone who continues, for years and years, to work a job with long hours that averages less than $40 a week profit has a screw loose in their head and is totally ****ing over their spouse and family.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## Kaliber

MarmiteC said:


> You need to start by respecting her work also, no matter what it pays. You are disrespecting her choice to work in a lower paid profession simply because you do not value it, you don't see how it contributes to your life, yet you see how yours contributes to hers.
> 
> Do you enjoy your profession? Do you take some sense of job satisfaction? Why can't she?





Anastasia6 said:


> You married wrong. You wanted a wife appliance or a maid and mother. She wants to do something else so you are mad. YOU may think money is the only thing that matters in life but most people want some sense of satisfaction as well.





TexasMom1216 said:


> Being a household slave and nanny for someone who doesn't care if she lives or dies averages less than $40 a week in total. If she's crazy it's because she's been locked away with nothing of substance to think about and no reason to keep living for all this time.


The sisterhood strikes back!
Working 7 days and she makes 2k a year!
Yes, any man/woman would disrespect this choice of work if it makes that amount of money and it takes you away from investing proper time with your family!



Anastasia6 said:


> YOU may think money is the only thing that matters in life but most people want some sense of satisfaction as well.


You are right! Money isn't the only thing that matters in life, but it's the most important!
If you want to live with dignity in this capitalist world you need money!
If you want your children to have a chance with decent education you need money!
I thought taking care of your children gives you the most sense of satisfaction in life as a mother!

@andyannu, you have been disrespected!
Your wife like many women in this modern world are selfish and entitled, they want to slap you and get away with it!
You need to understand this: Modern women want to marry a traditional man who will fill his traditional role (From A to Z and more), but they don't want to reciprocate, they think they are entitled because they are females with vaginas and the laws favour them!
Let me guess, your sex life is miserable as well?

*If you want your respect back* you have two options, both are sour, so be prepared for the possibility of losing your marriage:

Convert to a modern man, tell her she needs a better job to contribute 50/50 because you're not going to cover her needs anymore, stop all financial benefits (credit cards, shopping ..etc), she needs to work for it, this is how modern families are (where most women are miserable tasting their own medicine!) , however be prepared for lots of drama and character assassination, she might get to your children and family!
Be like most strong successful men, those men are decisive and always have a plan, they have zero tolerance for bull crap and any disrespectful behaviour from anyone, they don't bluff, and they don't care what other people think, be ready and have a plan, tell her to quit her job and start taking care of the household, or you will divorce her and find someone else, no drama!

Remember, you can't reason with her, you are approaching things rationally while she (and many women) do so emotionally (You can even see that from some responses here!!)


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## Anastasia6

Look OP many couples deal with one working too much. You maybe could have made headway if you were actually expressing a desire to spend more time with her and to be with family but you've made it clear to her that you don't respect her or her choices and only care about a tidy house and money.

I don't know how you can reclaim a marriage after that. Nobody appreciates that kind of disrespect and the worst part is you mean it. You just don't appreciate it. So what do you think is some great compromise? When will you be happy? 

Could you even have a conversation without the contempt sneaking in?
When you two discuss things is it calm and level headed or have you two built up too much resentment to have productive conversations.

Your questions read basically how do I get my way? Not how do I make this work?

You can certainly go with Kaliber's approach. It will probably even get you a stay at home wife for a while. Lots of resentment and a walk away wife in about 8 years the the child is 18 if I did my math right.

Have you contact an counselor for yourself. One that you could talk through your feelings and get some helpful strategies for communication?

Have you read the book Love Busters?


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## Anastasia6

andyannu said:


> And needless to say, for those 5 years she did not work, I was left to pay a bigger mortgage for a house which included a room for her business. For all those complaining that I do not respect her, where is respect for me. In those years , first time in my life I had credit card debt. I had to work two jobs to pay it off


Sell the house. Buy smaller. Down size your life and get rid of a lifestyle that cost 120,000 per year. Get rid of the extra job.

It is perfectly acceptable for you not to run yourself ragged.


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## SunCMars

Ignoring all the rest, I see both of you being, more than that, not on the same page.
You are not in the same book, or in the same library, or even in the same state of mind.

You need to divorce her.
Why?

You have nothing in common, other than the children.


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## Cindywife

andyannu said:


> We bought a home with specific needs for her to run her business from home. She got pregnant and could not work next 5 years. After 5 years she decided, the room was no good so she should rent. Now for every $2 which comes in revenue $1 goes out in rent. I have told her this many times. But it makes sense to her


She didn't get herself pregnant. 

Did you want kids?


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## ccpowerslave

andyannu said:


> Currently her choice of profession and business model, requires her to take time away from kids on weekend and late in evenings to be with her clients. The return is barely minimum wage after 5 years. So with this kind of return , I do not care about the money. Also as I said, I have paid all bills last 11 years. $0 has been paid for household expenses like grocery, mortgage etc. She has paid on three occassions once to buy a car for our daughter, and twice partially for vacations we took


So?

The issue is you expect her to pay for something and she doesn’t? If she does pay for things and you want her to pay for additional things have you tried asking?


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## DownByTheRiver

andyannu said:


> Currently her choice of profession and business model, requires her to take time away from kids on weekend and late in evenings to be with her clients. The return is barely minimum wage after 5 years. So with this kind of return , I do not care about the money. Also as I said, I have paid all bills last 11 years. $0 has been paid for household expenses like grocery, mortgage etc. She has paid on three occassions once to buy a car for our daughter, and twice partially for vacations we took


Your choice of profession takes you away from the kids a lot more than that! Why is it okay for you to do it and not for her? You made your choices and she made hers.


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## Livvie

TexasMom1216 said:


> Being a household slave and nanny for someone who doesn't care if she lives or dies averages less than $40 a week in total. If she's crazy it's because she's been locked away with nothing of substance to think about and no reason to keep living for all this time.


This doesn't make sense. She hasn't been locked away, whatever that means, she has been working at the salon, making less _per week_ than most people make at McDonald's in a few hours, working long hours such that she has no time for her family, BY CHOICE.


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## Livvie

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your choice of profession takes you away from the kids a lot more than that! Why is it okay for you to do it and not for her? You made your choices and she made hers.


Because anyone who chooses to work 70 hours a week to earn a grand total of less than $40 is damaging the family. Full stop.


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## Anastasia6

ccpowerslave said:


> So?
> 
> The issue is you expect her to pay for something and she doesn’t? If she does pay for things and you want her to pay for additional things have you tried asking?


If I read it correctly, and if I didn't hopefully OP will clarify. He DOESN'T expect her to pay for things. He expects her to be home and spend more time with the kids and cleaning and doing home things. He complains about the money alot but he claims it isn't about the money.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## Kaliber

TexasMom1216 said:


> She is trying to have some kind of life for herself. Some reason to get up in the morning, to feel valuable as more than a servant. If you can't understand why a woman needs more than to just be a faceless, interchangeable household appliance that no one cares about or noticed, I don't know how to continue this discussion. It's not about the money. It's about having something of her own, contact with other humans who aren't barking orders at her but actually talking WITH her, friendships and human connections. It's about her being a whole person, not just piece of equipment. *She's working nights, because during the day she is at home by herself cleaning and taking care of children alone.*


Ya 70 hours a week
OP said:


andyannu said:


> The question is what is her primary job "being a mother" or being a business women. I would be okay, if she worked weekdays and regular hours. *But she wants to work till 7-8 pm many weekdays and weekends.*


WTH woman, do you even read?!


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## DownByTheRiver

If she's renting her beauty space, of course that is a big tax write-off.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## CatholicDad

Brother, you should avoid text wars at all costs _especially_ those involving your wife. I mean, come and text war on TAM and no one gets hurt lol


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TexasMom1216 said:


> You don't want a wife, you want a servant who lives and breathes only for you. You don't respect her or care at all about her, you're just using her. After years of not mattering at all, I'm sure she is miserable. She's realized she has wasted her life on someone who feels nothing for her and considers her at best an overpaid, incompetent, low-level employee. You would be fine if she wants to "play" at being a person (hence the quotes you put around business woman) as long as it doesn't inconvenience you in any way. You care NOTHING for her. If you divorce her and marry again, you'll be right back where you are now. This poor woman has been miserable and alone for years and you DO NOT CARE, you don't even think it matters.


It appears the facts support just the opposite in the big picture. 😮😮


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TexasMom1216 said:


> Oh gosh! Sorry, I TOTALLY misread that. So she's working 70 hours a week, that's completely different. To be honest, I was caught up in the utter contempt the OP obviously has for his wife and everything she does, I missed that and it's an important detail. I thought she was working evenings and weekends, because a lot of stylists do that. Sorry, @Livvie and @Kaliber I misread and misunderstood. I still say all the OP wants is for her to be all about him 24/7 and doesn't care about her, but yeah, you can't raise little kids and work 70 hour weeks with a GOOD husband, there's no way she's not neglecting her kids here. And while he should also bear some responsibility for the children, fact is, she can't have not known he was like this and had children with him anyway. It's certainly not the kid's fault that her life is so miserable, she shouldn't take it out on them, and her FIRST responsibility should be to her children.


Her first responsibility is to her life partner ie her H, so as a team they together can be there for the kids. 

So many folks mistakenly spout their responsibility is to their kids first, not their spouse, they place him/her second, third, or worse, and that is a marriage killer, period.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm going to disagree. Any mother who neglects her children to kowtow to her husband's whims is a bad mother. If you don't want to make sacrifices in your convenience for your children, you shouldn't have children. Children should not be a way to trap a woman into not being able to leave, and asking a woman to have children and then not care about them so you always get your way is not marriage. No man so selfish that he needs to always be the only one who matters should have children. You can purchase a woman from any one of several foreign countries and bring them here to function as you describe.


The word kowtow isn't applicable, it's trying to sensationalize the unrealistic the concept of putting one's spouse first means being their slave in all things. 

Try again.


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## Rus47

andyannu said:


> Thank you all of you for your responses





andyannu said:


> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


It doesn't seem like there is much respect coming from either of you. IMO we rarely get what we don't give. The Golden rule. 

You can only do you. But badmouthing the wife's lack of income isn't going to produce a positive response or solve anything. Maybe though she has a passion for doing hair, she doesn't have the business sense to make a good living at that craft, especially trying to run the back of the house at the same time.. We have friends who do VERY well in that profession because the husbands provide the business knowledge and planning to utilize the skill of the wives.

Would expressing an appreciation for her passion and asking how the profitability could be improved be more of a cooperative approach than just telling her she is wasting time with that business, should quit and cook your dinner instead?


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## Galabar01

It seems like she needs to work so much to cover rent. Her income looks something like this: $2000/month/(70h/week*4.3 weeks/month) = *$6.64/hour*. So, this is really just a hobby that keeps her away from her family for 70 hours per week. I would put my foot down and have her just work for a salon. The alternative is to divorce and ask for primary custody, given that she is so interested in this hobby.


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## Livvie

Galabar01 said:


> It seems like she needs to work so much to cover rent. Her income looks something like this: $2000/month/(70h/week*4.3 weeks/month) = *$6.64/hour*. So, this is really just a hobby that keeps her away from her family for 70 hours per week. I would put my foot down and have her just work for a salon. The alternative is to divorce and ask for primary custody, given that she is so interested in this hobby.


She makes 2k A YEAR not per week. Yeah.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## jonty30

I'd be wondering what she is doing with her time?
$2,000, even discounted, is perhaps 60 treatments. That's little more than once a week.
She's also had years to build a regular clientele. She should be seeing people daily by now.

I don't like the implication of that.


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## Livvie

She earns fifty five cents an hour.


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## Galabar01

Livvie said:


> She makes 2k A YEAR not per week. Yeah.


$2000/year/(48 weeks * 70 hours/week) = $0.59/hour ?!?!?!?!?!?


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## Galabar01

Livvie said:


> She earns fifty five cents an hour.


It's _way_ more than that. You aren't giving the poor woman any vacation time...


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## jonty30

Galabar01 said:


> It's _way_ more than that. You aren't giving the poor woman any vacation time...


It would be way less after paying taxes. 
She's not even making enough to keep herself well stocked with supplies.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## jonty30

TexasMom1216 said:


> Not buying it. It's not possible to work that many hours and make that little. Either the OP is lying about how much time she's spending at work or he's lying about how much money she's making. He's here looking for someone to tell him that women should not be allowed to have any interests outside waiting hand and foot on their husbands.


He is not doing that.


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## Galabar01

TexasMom1216 said:


> Not buying it. It's not possible to work that many hours and make that little. Either the OP is lying about how much time she's spending at work or he's lying about how much money she's making. He's here looking for someone to tell him that women should not be allowed to have any interests outside waiting hand and foot on their husbands.


So you're saying that, if he is telling the truth, the wife's actions are completely unacceptable?


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## jonty30

Galabar01 said:


> So you're saying that, if he is telling the truth, the wife's actions are completely unacceptable?


She appears to hold a double standard. Women are free to do what they want, but men are not.


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## ccpowerslave

I mean this would be easy to see if friends fly free and/or you operate with cash outside of the bank. I pay my stylist and most services with cash so the person doesn’t have to report the income.


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## Galabar01

jonty30 said:


> She appears to hold a double standard. Women are free to do what they want, but men are not.


I'm not sure about that. I think she was stating, with a negative, that the described actions of the wife are unacceptable. They are so unacceptable that she believes the OP is lying.

I agree with TexasMom 100% that the wife's actions, if they are true, are not acceptable.


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## jonty30

ccpowerslave said:


> I mean this would be easy to see if friends fly free and/or you operate with cash outside of the bank, I pay my stylist and most services with cash so the person doesn’t have to report the income.


Most independent barbers do that. They only report perhaps half the cash transactions.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## Galabar01

TexasMom1216 said:


> If he's telling the truth, and she's away from the house 70+ hours a week making $2000/year, she isn't working. She's either just hanging out at the beauty salon or doing something else.
> 
> ... She needs to find a different way to deal with it than just abandoning her children.
> 
> ...


So we agree. If true, she is abandoning her children and acting unacceptably.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## Cindywife

TexasMom1216 said:


> If he's telling the truth, and she's away from the house 70+ hours a week making $2000/year, she isn't working. She's either just hanging out at the beauty salon or doing something else.
> 
> Based on the total lack of respect he has for her, I suspect very strongly his math is incorrect. Otherwise, she's just avoiding being at home because she's miserable.
> 
> If she is neglecting her children because her marriage is miserable, THAT is completely unacceptable. I'm sure being married to someone who has no respect for you as a person and is just using you for household labor and breeding services has to be horrible. She needs to find a different way to deal with it than just abandoning her children.
> 
> IF he's telling the truth. It IS the internet after all.


...well three days ago he said this:

"Her business makes $2-$3K in net revenue every month. $1K goes in rent. Then there are other expenses say $500 to $1000. So she makes anywhere between $100 to $2000 every month. Then vacations, sickness for her or kids brings down the average. given she spends 40 hrs on the business,"


so there's that.


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## jonty30

Cindywife said:


> ...well three days ago he said this:
> 
> "Her business makes $2-$3K in net revenue every month. $1K goes in rent. Then there are other expenses say $500 to $1000. So she makes anywhere between $100 to $2000 every month. Then vacations, sickness for her or kids brings down the average. given she spends 40 hrs on the business,"
> 
> 
> so there's that.


CCPowerslave did bring up this point, which I think is relevant.



ccpowerslave said:


> I mean this would be easy to see if friends fly free and/or you operate with cash outside of the bank. I pay my stylist and most services with cash so the person doesn’t have to report the income.


Her business is at least partly cash...


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## jonty30

TexasMom1216 said:


> I didn't see that. There is absolutely NO way she is legitimately working 70+ hours a month and only bringing in that much. She's either not at the salon or she's at the salon not working.
> 
> Did I miss him saying that she could get a chair at another salon or work from home? I don't recall anything on this thread about him being supportive of her working outside the home at all, but given there was information from a few days ago that I missed, perhaps I missed that as well.


Or she's pocketing much of the cash and running afoul of tax laws. 
He has a room in the home, where she can run her business and not pay rent.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## jonty30

TexasMom1216 said:


> Or pocketing the cash and preparing to leave him.


Quite possibly. $2000/year is perhaps one customer per week. I can't see her business doing that poorly after years in business.


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## TexasMom1216

[


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## Kaliber

jonty30 said:


> Most independent barbers do that. They only report perhaps half the cash transactions.


That raises the questions:

Is she taking cash (most likely) and hiding it from her husband and only reporting a small amount?
Is she actually working that many hours or is she doing other things that the husband doesn't know about?
@andyannu, you seem to be a very busy man, and might not know what your wife is doing all the time, so something is fishy here, can you *confirm* that you are sure *%100* without a *doubt *that what you know is the *absolute *truth?!


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## Galabar01

TexasMom1216 said:


> ... She may think she can leave them with him to show him how much work it is to take care of them, but she has to know him well enough to know he doesn't care about them and won't do anything for them. ...


It seems that, in your mind, no matter what her actions are, they are caused by something that her husband did. Am I reading that wrong?


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## Cindywife

Actually, I have no idea why she wants to work outside the home. Dealing with people all day can be very frustrating. It sounds like they have a nice house and three kids. That's a ton of work right there. 

When does anyone in this household sleep?


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## Rus47

Cindywife said:


> ...well three days ago he said this:
> 
> "Her business makes $2-$3K in net revenue every month. $1K goes in rent. Then there are other expenses say $500 to $1000. So she makes anywhere between $100 to $2000 every month. Then vacations, sickness for her or kids brings down the average. given she spends 40 hrs on the business,"
> 
> 
> so there's that.


Ok, that is what I recall. Not to get too far into the weeds, but if she has 40 clients / week that could be 40-60 hours total time depending on the job. She still has to spend hours to clean up at end of the day and prep for opening in the morning. With Covid, personal care businesses have to devote an inordinate amount of time to cleaning and sanitizing. She isn't paid for those backbreaking hours. If her clients are average income, maybe she *grosses* $50 each or $2000. With expenses she can only net *at most* 1/2 that. So yes, she is working for $1000 net for 70 hours expended. She can make more money at a restaurant if she smoozes the customers. A small business is a *very tough* racket to make a living. And even if wife is passionate and very good at her craft, if the clientele isn't wealthy and plentiful it is very difficult to make a decent living as sole proprietor. 

She either needs lower costs, richer clients, or somehow multiply her talents by hiring apprentices. Opening another can of worms.

I don't think anyone is lying about what is going on. The wife is passionate about working in a low margin business with tons of competition and a fixed market. There is a lot more to building a successful business than being passionate and good at a craft. Most of operating a business successfully has nothing to do with knowing a skill or product.

OP can cooperatively help his wife to redirect the business, change the strategy, lower the costs, or increase the prices. He and his wife are actually on the same team.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## jonty30

Rus47 said:


> Ok, that is what I recall. Not to get too far into the weeds, but if she has 40 clients / week that could be 40-60 hours total time depending on the job. She still has to spend hours to clean up at end of the day and prep for opening in the morning. With Covid, personal care businesses have to devote an inordinate amount of time to cleaning and sanitizing. She isn't paid for those backbreaking hours. If her clients are average income, maybe she *grosses* $50 each or $2000. With expenses she can only net *at most* 1/2 that. So yes, she is working for $1000 net for 70 hours expended. She can make more money at a restaurant if she smoozes the customers. A small business is a *very tough* racket to make a living. And even if wife is passionate and very good at her craft, if the clientele isn't wealthy and plentiful it is very difficult to make a decent living as sole proprietor.
> 
> She either needs lower costs, richer clients, or somehow multiply her talents by hiring apprentices. Opening another can of worms.
> 
> I don't think anyone is lying about what is going on. The wife is passionate about working in a low margin business with tons of competition and a fixed market. There is a lot more to building a successful business than being passionate and good at a craft. Most of operating a business successfully has nothing to do with knowing a skill or product.
> 
> OP can cooperatively help his wife to redirect the business, change the strategy, lower the costs, or increase the prices. He and his wife are actually on the same team.


He says $2000 is the yearly take, after all expenses for 3500hours/year.


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## TexasMom1216

.


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## Rus47

Cindywife said:


> Actually, I have no idea why she wants to work outside the home. Dealing with people all day can be very frustrating. It sounds like they have a nice house and three kids. That's a ton of work right there.
> 
> When does anyone in this household sleep?


Some people enjoy dealing with people all day long. Not my cup of tea, but have friends and relatives who can't retire because they miss the hustle and bustle of dealing with clients every day.


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## Galabar01

Andyannu, are you in Texas? Just curious...


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## aine

andyannu said:


> My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years. She refuses to stop working on weekends or come home by 6 pm to be with our 10 year old twins. There are references to cooking. I am a trained chef and can cook very easily but I refuse to take complete responsibility of cooking in my household. I need ideas how can I get my respect back in this marriage
> *___*
> [11/28/21, 9:41:03 PM] Husband: Thank you for cooking dinner for me tonight
> 
> [11/29/21, 4:49:49 AM] Wife: Why didn’t you plan before going on shopping? I’m not the maid of the house , who will take care of kids , cleaning house, come cook dinner for everyone after work. You’re on diet so plan accordingly. I am not going to cook different choices for all the people. If you can cook for other people , you can cook for yourself too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 6:33:34 AM] Husband: Good to know , that cooking for your own husband is being a maid. By this standard and thought, I should call myself an ATM for the household, serving to generate cash , needed to serve the needs of so called "maid" . The "maid" is happy serving the other customers who pay her a "minimum wage" . Good to know you this is what you have reduced our relationship to
> 
> [11/29/21, 8:39:03 AM] Husband: But you raise a good point. Who are you, or rather "what have you become". When we got married , traditional wedding vows say a wife is "responsible for well being which includes everyone in family is fed". The husband is the financial provider. In modern world these roles can be switched or equally shared. Clearly your "minimum wage making beauty operation" does not make you the financial provider for the family. And as every single day goes by, you do not want to do the traditional wife's role. A good question you need to ask yourself, who are you ?
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:28:26 AM] Wife: Time has changed my dear husband!! I have done my duties alone for 20 years, without being appreciated!! be it taking care of kiddos health, activities, cooking cleaning & most importantly helping in finances with my husband trouble times. ( with my minimum wage)
> 
> So now I want everyone in the house equally come out & pitch in for all the work in household. I’m now tired serving & thinking of everyone all the time.
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:35:06 AM] Husband: Unlike you I cannot say I will stop earning and everyone else should pitch in. As for "troubled times " financial help, the sum which was probably helped out is now there and probably much more in your retirement accounts which now top more than 100K. so past has been taken care of. Ask everyone to pitch in equally in housework, only if you can equally pitch in to about 120K which the family consumes in finances every year
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:54:51 AM] Husband: Also please pitch in equally to managing 20++ banking , investment accounts, home maintenance and upgrades
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:03:07 AM] Wife: I have never said no for to pitch in for any expenses. I also contributed last year for home maintenance, which you transferred back to my account ( May be some ego problem you got)
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:00 AM] Wife: I’m not only one who’s consuming your finances. We both are equally responsible for this family. How much you’re earning it doesn’t depend on that. How much you’re showing respect in relationship that matters most.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:02 AM] Husband: Contribute towards the work before you demand everyone else contributes to cleaning and cooking. Besides all I have already mentioned, there is insurances for home, cars, medicals and dentals which need to managed, credit card need to managed, utility and telephone bills need to managed. All that work is not visible to you.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:14 AM] Wife: You complicate so much cards . Put it in one account & give me all the info. I will take care of them every month
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:26 AM] Wife: I will pay from my account too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:34 AM] Husband: You disrespect everyone in the family by constant yelling over cleaning. I have largely kept quiet when you keep consuming all services related to banking, insurance, home maintenance, credit cards but contribute 0% to the work involved
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:04 AM] Husband: I told you years back to start with utilities , check bills, you even refused to do that
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:43 AM] Wife: I never refuse, but no one helps me in other chores if he house. Then I can’t do alone everything.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM] Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:10:31 AM] Wife: I will keep yelling on everyone for cleaning, since they are the one who made mess. I want to raise my kids as respecting other spouse & pitch in everywhere they can unlikely you disrespect on money all the time & keep saying we don’t need money now & keep whining about Money all the time & spend it where it’s not needed
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:11 AM] Wife: Grow up you whiny kid! Behave like a 50 year old
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:55 AM] Husband: Right now demand is ( our daughter ) will pick up my kids, I am to cook my own meals, All this is subsidizing so you can spend more time in your "minimum wage beauty operation". Why should I subsidize your operation with my time, when you refused to help in banking, credit cards, investments, home maintenance, insurances etc
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:13:48 AM] Husband: Not to forget taxes including taxes and accounting for beauty parlor
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:14:39 AM] Wife: Because my kiddos so called father need nap in the afternoon. I have raised a beautiful & responsible daughter who I picked & dropped her all the time. She is g graciously giving me back . Ask your daughter what’s her image of you as her father, when you keep whining about my friends to her
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:15:03 AM] Wife: I will do it individually my parlor account . You’re out of it
> *___*
> 
> 
> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage



you are no angel based on this interaction. You belittle her work based on the income only. You would rather have her home waiting on you hand and foot. Have you stopped to think perhaps she needs to do something that gives her stimulation or satisfaction not only housework. You sound boorish and selfish. Why shouldn't you help in the home? The attitude I earn more therefore I should be the King of the home, is ********. Your wife sounds like she has had her fill waiting on you guys hand and foot and now wants to let go. The way you are going you could be facing time later in your life alone.


----------



## jonty30

aine said:


> you are no angel based on this interaction. You belittle her work based on the income only. You would rather have her home waiting on you hand and foot. Have you stopped to think perhaps she needs to do something that gives her stimulation or satisfaction not only housework. You sound boorish and selfish. Why shouldn't you help in the home? The attitude I earn more therefore I should be the King of the home, is ******. Your wife sounds like she has had her fill waiting on you guys hand and foot and now wants to let go. The way you are going you could be facing time later in your life alone.


He says that she's working upwards of 70 hours a week. How is she attending to her family with that schedule?


----------



## aine

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Cut off all her access to the financial benefits from your income and stop doing her supper, food shopping, cooking any of her meals, and plan fun times for family without consulting her.
> 
> Live in your life. Don't plan around her on anything.
> 
> Let her experience all the problems she thinks she has but doesn't. Introduce her to the real world. It can't get worse for you. Take all of her subscriptions off your credit cards, put all but one card in your name only. Stop paying her personal bills and clothing costs, stop her gas card.


This is why I got a doctorate and went back to work so I could have my own money, though my husband has never harped on like this. Too many spouses think that earning more money entitles them to treat the other spouse like **** and dictate terms. It is supposed to be a partnership, each playing their role. Everything is not measured in monetary terms


----------



## jonty30

aine said:


> This is why I got a doctorate and went back to work so I could have my own money, though my husband has never harped on like this. Too many spouses think that earning more money entitles them to treat the other spouse like **** and dictate terms. It is supposed to be a partnership, each playing their role. Everything is not measured in monetary terms


It can be measured in time. He's forced to work 70 hours/week himself, to support her desire to work 70 hours a week for almost no money, where is their time to attend to each other?


----------



## TexasMom1216

Removed, deemed offensive and against the rules


----------



## aine

andyannu said:


> "Needing more financially " is a flexible idea. How does not want more money. But one can lay some parameters only if your wife is willing to sit and discuss these with you. She will not do a budget. She will not do any bills. I do monthly analysis of what $$ came in and how much did we spend. Some months I dip into savings to meet the needs. She gets annoyed when I send her this synopsis.
> 
> 
> Yes we are financially comfortable, since I work two jobs. Most people responding missed seeing that. I have full time 40 hr week corporate job. I moonlight teaching in evenings and weekends. Thus last 11 years I have paid all the bills with $0 contribution from her. I have even paid for her mother's surgery.


Then if finances are the issue. Draw up a spreadsheet and show it to her and make suggestions for a way forward. What about building an area at your house to accommodate her business and clients could come to her and she can still be at home to do other things. I know a friend who does that.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Removed


----------



## aine

I revisited the title of the thread.
Ideas to get respect back (Dr Emmerson Eggerich, Love and Respect).

1. Treat her with respect
2. Never demand respect
3. Be a servant leader in your home
4. Consistently put others first, including her
5. Always follow through on promises made
6. Volunteer in society
7. Carry your weight around the home


----------



## MarmiteC

andyannu said:


> "Needing more financially " is a flexible idea. How does not want more money. But one can lay some parameters only if your wife is willing to sit and discuss these with you. She will not do a budget. She will not do any bills. I do monthly analysis of what $$ came in and how much did we spend. Some months I dip into savings to meet the needs. She gets annoyed when I send her this synopsis.
> 
> 
> Yes we are financially comfortable, since I work two jobs. Most people responding missed seeing that. I have full time 40 hr week corporate job. I moonlight teaching in evenings and weekends. Thus last 11 years I have paid all the bills with $0 contribution from her. I have even paid for her mother's surgery.


You are right, this was missed, sorry for that. 

You have a valid point but you are not making it in the right way. What is your goal? For you to quit your 2nd job and you BOTH to be able to spend more time together? Then that's what you should communicate. You started your post about her not cooking dinner and lack of her financial contribution. When you word it like that, of course defenses go up.

Instead, ask for her help to ease the financial situation and tell her in doing so you would love to spend more time with her. Ask if there is a compromise that can be reached to enable these things to happen.

If she still refuses, then something else may be going on, but you need to word it differently and start there.


----------



## Livvie

I'm still in amazement there are some people defending a person continuing to work a job, for years, at 70 hours a week to earn less than FIFTY CENTS an hour. 

A person who does that is sending a big **** you to her whole family. 

It's insane, actually. No one with a grip on reality works 70 hours a week to earn half a dollar an hour.

Or, she's manipulating funds, committing tax fraud, and hiding the money from her family.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

aine said:


> This is why I got a doctorate and went back to work so I could have my own money, though my husband has never harped on like this. Too many spouses think that earning more money entitles them to treat the other spouse like **** and dictate terms. It is supposed to be a partnership, each playing their role. Everything is not measured in monetary terms


You are missing the point by a mile. 

It's not about the H controlling the money. Its about the W not being a good partner but expects the H to go along with her and only her narrative. 

The H has for years now been demonstrating he's all about his money is family money.


----------



## Ms. Hawaii

andyannu said:


> My wife started working from home as a beautician between 2006 and 2010. I never asked her how much she made. She paid for some groceries, day care for my daughter. In 2010 when we bought a house, she might have contributed 10-20K towards the down payment. I do not have a firm record
> 
> I





andyannu said:


> This year her revenue has increased and she might make maybe 25-30K this year. We did contribute to buy a new car for my daughter a month back



I thought she made 1-3k a YEAR? 



andyannu said:


> . We went for counselling and she told counsellor she was helping her sisters in India. I have never asked her what kind of money does she send her sisters


How is she sending money to her sister when she makes “1-3k a year”? 





andyannu said:


> I feel I should not accept any of that money for day to day household expenses like groceries, mortgage . I make a six figure income so thinks are comfortable but not exorbitant. What is your perspective on my stand ?



Wait, you’ve changed your mind? You want her financial contributions? 

You sound awful. I would love to hear your wife’s side of the story. You come across as controlling… 

I bet your wife has some money stashed away. I don’t get why she’s still with you. 

I cringed when I read your texts to each other. 

What a miserable marriage! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11

If she is making that little, I don't think she is working 70 hours a week. Maybe one hour and then sitting on her tookis, eating cheetoes and playing with her iPhone the other 69. Or maybe she is busy with other things? Either way, something is way off here.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Ms. Hawaii said:


> You sound awful. I would love to hear your wife’s side of the story. You come across as controlling…
> 
> I bet your wife has some money stashed away. I don’t get why she’s still with you.
> 
> I cringed when I read your texts to each other.
> 
> What a miserable marriage!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If you look at other threads from this poster, the center of his objection is he believes women are servants. It honestly sounds like even if she made a lot of money, his objection is that women having something outside of serving their husband is wrong. He even admits that she says she isn't appreciated, which is true.

This is truly a miserable situation for everyone. I would be curious if this were an arranged marriage. He didn't want a life partner, he wanted a housekeeper, nanny and cook. She feels unloved, unappreciated, frustrated and miserable. I have not seen any posts from him indicating he cares about her happiness at all, just that she is not being a good "traditional wife," which means servant to him. It seems that she likely is staying late at work just to avoid being at home because she hates her life.

The real victims here are the children. No one, not him, not her, no one seems to care about them. They are caught in the middle of this miserable situation and are at best an afterthought and at worst a weapon they use against each other. This is just an awful, awful situation for everyone, but especially for the innocent children being left behind.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

TexasMom1216 said:


> If you look at other threads from this poster, the center of his objection is he believes women are servants. It honestly sounds like even if she made a lot of money, his objection is that women having something outside of serving their husband is wrong. He even admits that she says she isn't appreciated, which is true.
> 
> This is truly a miserable situation for everyone. I would be curious if this were an arranged marriage. He didn't want a life partner, he wanted a housekeeper, nanny and cook. She feels unloved, unappreciated, frustrated and miserable. I have not seen any posts from him indicating he cares about her happiness at all, just that she is not being a good "traditional wife," which means servant to him. It seems that she likely is staying late at work just to avoid being at home because she hates her life.
> 
> The real victims here are the children. No one, not him, not her, no one seems to care about them. They are caught in the middle of this miserable situation and are at best an afterthought and at worst a weapon they use against each other. This is just an awful, awful situation for everyone, but especially for the innocent children being left behind.


I just read his past posts. I don't see anything that makes me think his wife is just a servant. If he's controlling its likely out of necessity since he is the only one that cares about the finances.

His wife parties or with friends all night, has a hobby as a job, doesn't have time for him or the kids, refuses to look at a budget or get a real job. Sounds like an impossible situation. Is he traditional? Probably, but what does that matter? If he is working two jobs and providing all the income then she needs to stop her hobby job and get a real job if not for him for her family.

I'm sure his wife has her own side, but since she isn't here, we have to take it at face value which looks like he is being taken advantage of.


----------



## TexasMom1216

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I just read his past posts. I don't see anything that makes me think his wife is just a servant. If he's controlling its likely out of necessity since he is the only one that cares about the finances.
> 
> His wife parties or with friends all night, has a hobby as a job, doesn't have time for him or the kids, refuses to look at a budget or get a real job. Sounds like an impossible situation. Is he traditional? Probably, but what does that matter? If he is working two jobs and providing all the income then she needs to stop her hobby job and get a real job if not for him for her family.
> 
> I'm sure his wife has her own side, but since she isn't here, we have to take it at face value which looks like he is being taken advantage of.


Here is one that stood out to me:
"She decides to waste time in a business making less than minimum wage, and I am supposed to "subsidize her business" by contributing to household chores. By the way I am a trained Chef, but* I refuse to help her failing business *which makes her ignore her own mother and children. *It all female ego of trying to be equal. *5 years she is not even making 20% of what I make. But I should be one getting the memo to work 50% tasks at home. *What kind of liberal woman **** is this* ?"

This is the kind of comment that leads me to believe he has no respect for her as a person and does not value or even care about her. I am NOT defending her neglecting her children, because they are blameless. What these people have isn't a marriage, because they do not love each other. He views her with nothing but disgust and contempt and she resents him because he views her with nothing but disgust and contempt. She is acting out in a very negative way by abandoning her children, no matter what happens between them the children are innocent.

There are also a number of disparities in his posts that cast doubt in my mind that he is being completely truthful. It could be a language issue, because it seems English is not his first language and I would never criticize that as I only speak one language and very much admire people who are multi-lingual. To be fair, perhaps that is the cause of the inconsistencies, but what I'm getting is that he has a lot of anger over his wife not being subservient enough.


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## BigDaddyNY

This whole marriage appears completely broken. There doesn't appear to be respect from either side. I also wonder who is taking care of the kids. The wife is working 70 hours/wk and the husband is working 2 job, so probably 70 hours/wk or maybe more. That doesn't leave much time to care for kids and actually be husband and wife, or much time to sleep for that matter. 

I completely understand that the wife wants a job/career. Everyone needs to get out of the home and feel like they have a purpose. My wife doesn't need to work, she wants to work and loves her job. I completely get that, but this woman is running a failed business. That is a completely different story. She is making next to nothing for a whole lot of hours worked. Something has to change there. 

To me the solution to this is simple. She needs to stick a fork in the failed business and go work for a successful hair salon. I would be she could make enough with a 40 hour/wk job to allow her husband to drop his second job or at least cut back his hours. Then BOTH could be home more and they both have the satisfaction of working outside of the home. Doesn't seem like rocket science to me. Now, will this fix the mutual lack of respect? Not immediately, but it may be a way forward. Right now the status quo is heading straight to divorce and hatred for each other.


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## TexasMom1216

aine said:


> This is why I got a doctorate and went back to work so I could have my own money, though my husband has never harped on like this. Too many spouses think that earning more money entitles them to treat the other spouse like **** and dictate terms. It is supposed to be a partnership, each playing their role. Everything is not measured in monetary terms


It's not even about having your "own" money (or at least it shouldn't be). It's about being a contributing member of the marriage and having value as a person. When you are a dependent, like a child, you lose the right to have standards for how you are treated. You lose your place as a partner because you're no longer a partner, you're just an older child. My husband makes 3 times what I make, but it's our family money, and I have a say in our life that we are building together. The OP doesn't want a partner, clearly. His wife is miserable and is acting out in bad ways. Just a huge mess, money won't fix it. I don't think they ever had a marriage, they had a master/slave arrangement and now she's trying to change the terms.


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## Twodecades

andyannu said:


> My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years. She refuses to stop working on weekends or come home by 6 pm to be with our 10 year old twins. There are references to cooking. I am a trained chef and can cook very easily but I refuse to take complete responsibility of cooking in my household. I need ideas how can I get my respect back in this marriage
> *___*
> [11/28/21, 9:41:03 PM] Husband: Thank you for cooking dinner for me tonight
> 
> [11/29/21, 4:49:49 AM] Wife: Why didn’t you plan before going on shopping? I’m not the maid of the house , who will take care of kids , cleaning house, come cook dinner for everyone after work. You’re on diet so plan accordingly. I am not going to cook different choices for all the people. If you can cook for other people , you can cook for yourself too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 6:33:34 AM] Husband: Good to know , that cooking for your own husband is being a maid. By this standard and thought, I should call myself an ATM for the household, serving to generate cash , needed to serve the needs of so called "maid" . The "maid" is happy serving the other customers who pay her a "minimum wage" . Good to know you this is what you have reduced our relationship to
> 
> [11/29/21, 8:39:03 AM] Husband: But you raise a good point. Who are you, or rather "what have you become". When we got married , traditional wedding vows say a wife is "responsible for well being which includes everyone in family is fed". The husband is the financial provider. In modern world these roles can be switched or equally shared. Clearly your "minimum wage making beauty operation" does not make you the financial provider for the family. And as every single day goes by, you do not want to do the traditional wife's role. A good question you need to ask yourself, who are you ?
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:28:26 AM] Wife: Time has changed my dear husband!! I have done my duties alone for 20 years, without being appreciated!! be it taking care of kiddos health, activities, cooking cleaning & most importantly helping in finances with my husband trouble times. ( with my minimum wage)
> 
> So now I want everyone in the house equally come out & pitch in for all the work in household. I’m now tired serving & thinking of everyone all the time.
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:35:06 AM] Husband: Unlike you I cannot say I will stop earning and everyone else should pitch in. As for "troubled times " financial help, the sum which was probably helped out is now there and probably much more in your retirement accounts which now top more than 100K. so past has been taken care of. Ask everyone to pitch in equally in housework, only if you can equally pitch in to about 120K which the family consumes in finances every year
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:54:51 AM] Husband: Also please pitch in equally to managing 20++ banking , investment accounts, home maintenance and upgrades
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:03:07 AM] Wife: I have never said no for to pitch in for any expenses. I also contributed last year for home maintenance, which you transferred back to my account ( May be some ego problem you got)
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:00 AM] Wife: I’m not only one who’s consuming your finances. We both are equally responsible for this family. How much you’re earning it doesn’t depend on that. How much you’re showing respect in relationship that matters most.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:02 AM] Husband: Contribute towards the work before you demand everyone else contributes to cleaning and cooking. Besides all I have already mentioned, there is insurances for home, cars, medicals and dentals which need to managed, credit card need to managed, utility and telephone bills need to managed. All that work is not visible to you.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:14 AM] Wife: You complicate so much cards . Put it in one account & give me all the info. I will take care of them every month
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:26 AM] Wife: I will pay from my account too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:34 AM] Husband: You disrespect everyone in the family by constant yelling over cleaning. I have largely kept quiet when you keep consuming all services related to banking, insurance, home maintenance, credit cards but contribute 0% to the work involved
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:04 AM] Husband: I told you years back to start with utilities , check bills, you even refused to do that
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:43 AM] Wife: I never refuse, but no one helps me in other chores if he house. Then I can’t do alone everything.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM] Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:10:31 AM] Wife: I will keep yelling on everyone for cleaning, since they are the one who made mess. I want to raise my kids as respecting other spouse & pitch in everywhere they can unlikely you disrespect on money all the time & keep saying we don’t need money now & keep whining about Money all the time & spend it where it’s not needed
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:11 AM] Wife: Grow up you whiny kid! Behave like a 50 year old
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:55 AM] Husband: Right now demand is ( our daughter ) will pick up my kids, I am to cook my own meals, All this is subsidizing so you can spend more time in your "minimum wage beauty operation". Why should I subsidize your operation with my time, when you refused to help in banking, credit cards, investments, home maintenance, insurances etc
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:13:48 AM] Husband: Not to forget taxes including taxes and accounting for beauty parlor
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:14:39 AM] Wife: Because my kiddos so called father need nap in the afternoon. I have raised a beautiful & responsible daughter who I picked & dropped her all the time. She is g graciously giving me back . Ask your daughter what’s her image of you as her father, when you keep whining about my friends to her
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:15:03 AM] Wife: I will do it individually my parlor account . You’re out of it
> *___*
> 
> 
> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


This marriage is salvageable...IF both spouses are willing to work at it. It sounds like you have valid complaints. Likely she has a few, as well. However, you can only control YOU--what you think, what you tolerate, and how you react. How you treat her. And eventually that can have an impact on what she chooses to do. 

I think you need more help than a marriage forum can provide, and you need it ASAP. Meanwhile, I would stop with hashing these things out over text. Stop sending any sort of negative text messages. It's a terrible way to resolve conflict. It's only going to make things spiral downward.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

*



11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM - Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.

Click to expand...

*You're a real piece of work, aren't you?

So even though she worked a full-time job outside the home, it didn't count because she was only making minimum wage and therefore, didn't DESERVE for you or anyone else in the house to start doing their *share*.

Got it. 🤪

Since you're claiming her earnings weren't 'good enough' to warrant YOU doing your share around the house because you feel she hadn't _*earned*_ your participation with her minimum wage job, I can only assume that she KEPT her meager weekly paycheck and didn't put it in the joint fund? You used the word "traditional" to describe all the work she's done for years in the home, for you and for your family, so I can only imagine that her earning a paycheck ISN'T 'traditional' in your eyes - that only *YOU* working is 'traditional.'

.....right?

Otherwise you'd be a complete hypocrite using the "traditional roles" argument when you don't want to do anything around the house and claim that's your wife's territory, yet that *same* word goes right out the window when a wife is ALSO bringing home a paycheck. 

So which is the "traditional" role your wife is supposed to be doing - slave to you and the house, or working full time and bringing in a sizable paycheck?

You can't have both. You're not NEARLY that special.

Honestly, it sounds like she's done with you.


----------



## Livvie

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're a real piece of work, aren't you?
> 
> So even though she worked a full-time job outside the home, it didn't count because she was only making minimum wage and therefore, didn't DESERVE for you or anyone else in the house to start doing their *share*.
> 
> Got it. 🤪
> 
> Since you're claiming her earnings weren't 'good enough' to warrant YOU doing your share around the house because you feel she hadn't _*earned*_ your participation with her minimum wage job, I can only assume that she KEPT her meager weekly paycheck and didn't put it in the joint fund? You used the word "traditional" to describe all the work she's done for years in the home, for you and for your family, so I can only imagine that her earning a paycheck ISN'T 'traditional' in your eyes - that only *YOU* working is 'traditional.'
> 
> .....right?
> 
> Otherwise you'd be a complete hypocrite using the "traditional roles" argument when you don't want to do anything around the house and claim that's your wife's territory, yet that *same* word goes right out the window when a wife is ALSO bringing home a paycheck.
> 
> So which is the "traditional" role your wife is supposed to be doing - slave to you and the house, or working full time and bringing in a sizable paycheck?
> 
> You can't have both. You're not NEARLY that special.
> 
> Honestly, it sounds like she's done with you.


Did you read the thread?

She works 70 hours a week and only brings home 2 thousand dollars a year. A YEAR. 

NO SANE spouse is okay having a partner with such little time for the family and kids to earn less than FIFTY CENTS AN HOUR.

And no sane adult continues to work a job for five years that only yields fifty cents an hour.


----------



## TexasMom1216

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're a real piece of work, aren't you?
> 
> So even though she worked a full-time job outside the home, it didn't count because she was only making minimum wage and therefore, didn't DESERVE for you or anyone else in the house to start doing their *share*.
> 
> Got it. 🤪
> 
> Since you're claiming her earnings weren't 'good enough' to warrant YOU doing your share around the house because you feel she hadn't _*earned*_ your participation with her minimum wage job, I can only assume that she KEPT her meager weekly paycheck and didn't put it in the joint fund? You used the word "traditional" to describe all the work she's done for years in the home, for you and for your family, so I can only imagine that her earning a paycheck ISN'T 'traditional' in your eyes - that only *YOU* working is 'traditional.'
> 
> .....right?
> 
> Otherwise you'd be a complete hypocrite using the "traditional roles" argument when you don't want to do anything around the house and claim that's your wife's territory, yet that *same* word goes right out the window when a wife is ALSO bringing home a paycheck.
> 
> So which is the "traditional" role your wife is supposed to be doing - slave to you and the house, or working full time and bringing in a sizable paycheck?
> 
> You can't have both. You're not NEARLY that special.
> 
> Honestly, it sounds like she's done with you.


You nailed it. This is precisely the situation here. It wouldn't matter if she were working 10 hours or 80 hours, or if she were making 4 figures or 6. He expects her to be his servant and anything less is unacceptable. The whole situation is so utterly and completely toxic, and the children are being neglected and used as weapons between two people who hate each other.


----------



## Livvie

TexasMom1216 said:


> You nailed it. This is precisely the situation here. It wouldn't matter if she were working 10 hours or 80 hours, or if she were making 4 figures or 6. He expects her to be his servant and anything less is unacceptable. The whole situation is so utterly and completely toxic, and the children are being neglected and used as weapons between two people who hate each other.


Never anywhere did OP say anything like this.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

*


Livvie said:



Did you read the thread?

She works 70 hours a week and only brings home 2 thousand dollars a year. A YEAR.

NO SANE spouse is okay having a partner with such little time for the family and kids to earn less than FIFTY CENTS AN HOUR.

And no sane adult continues to work a job for five years that only yields fifty cents an hour.

Click to expand...

*Who said she's sane? She's obviously doing something wrong. I have the feeling she'd rather sit in an empty salon and stare at the walls than be a slave to her house. How BAD does your life have to be when you choose to sit in an empty salon because you don't want to be home? I think she's simply OVER that job.

My argument was more about him using the "traditional roles" argument - when it benefits *him*. It's really just gotten incredibly old.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Livvie said:


> Never anywhere did OP say anything like this.


I actually quoted the things that he's said about her in a previous post. There is another thread from him about this same issue, he was asking if he should use her money. He said she only works because it's her "silly female ego trying to be equal." There is more to this than the money. Her business was struggling and he said he wasn't going to help her because she needed to be at home, not off working.


----------



## TexasMom1216

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Who said she's sane? She's obviously doing something wrong. I have the feeling she'd rather sit in an empty salon and stare at the walls than be a slave to her house. How BAD does your life have to be when you choose to sit in an empty salon because you don't want to be home? I think she's simply OVER that job.
> 
> My argument was more about him using the "traditional roles" argument - when it benefits *him*. It's really just gotten incredibly old.


I never got an answer when I asked this, but I wonder if this marriage was arranged, and I wonder how old she was when he married her. When girls get married at 16, 17, 18, (or younger, if they're religious) and never get a job and learn to be an adult, they don't know how. He said in a previous thread she was struggling, because she doesn't know how to run a business and he refuses to help because it's just her "silly female ego trying to be equal." The amounts of money she's making are irrelevant. He never once mentions that he cares about her, or is in any way interested in her feelings. I think this was a master/slave "traditional" submissive wife marriage, and now that it's been 20 years and she's looking around and her life is awful, she's acting out. But because she never grew up, she's acting out like a child, and her children are suffering. This whole deal is a huge ugly mess.


----------



## Livvie

TexasMom1216 said:


> I actually quoted the things that he's said about her in a previous post. There is another thread from him about this same issue, he was asking if he should use her money. He said she only works because it's her "silly female ego trying to be equal." There is more to this than the money. Her business was struggling and he said he wasn't going to help her because she needed to be at home, not off working.


She needed to not be spending 70 hours a week working a job that doesn't even earn money. That's what spouses do, they look at their life and how they are spending their time and figure out what works best. It's not relationship or family enhancing for a person to spend that much time outside the house working at a job that earns virtually no money. 

Is this were a man working 70 hours a week at a job that made fifty cents an hour he would be crucified by posters here. 

No emotionally and mentally healthy person would be happy with a spouse working that much, and 70 hours a week is a lot of hours, with no financial benefit. It's ludicrous. 

Why a couple of posters are trying to twist that into "he wants her to be a submissive " is beyond me. 

Men or women on this thread, please raise your hand if you feel it would be fun to have a spouse working 70 hours a week and earning next to nothing. How does that enhance your family?


----------



## TexasMom1216

Livvie said:


> She needed to not be spending 70 hours a week working a job that doesn't even earn money. That's what spouses do, they look at their life and how they are spending their time and figure out what works best. It's not relationship or family enhancing for a person to spend that much time outside the house working at a job that earns virtually no money.
> 
> Is this were a man working 70 hours a week at a job that made fifty cents an hour he would be crucified by posters here.
> 
> No emotionally and mentally healthy person would be happy with a spouse working that much, and 70 hours a week is a lot of hours, with no financial benefit. It's ludicrous.
> 
> Why a couple of posters are trying to twist that into "he wants her to be a submissive " is beyond me.
> 
> Men or women on this thread, please raise your hand if you feel it would be fun to have a spouse working 70 hours a week and earning next to nothing. How does that enhance your family?


He SAID that's what he wants. Over and over, and I quoted it. I don't recall anyone supporting her being away from her family for 70 hours a week. As a matter of fact, I have been very critical of her for neglecting her family when clearly she isn't really working, she's just avoiding being at home because she hates her life. 

You're correct, spouses should look at their life and figure out what works best for the FAMILY. That isn't what is happening here, because he does not care about her. The only person in this marriage who has ever mattered was him. She's miserable and tired of being a slave, she wants something for herself. She's immature and is acting out inappropriately and punishing her children for her miserable marriage. 

You're so laser-focused on her not making enough money to meet some imaginary threshold and you're not looking at the big picture. He should want her to be happy too, it's not right that only the woman makes a sacrifice in a marriage. He doesn't care if she's happy, he believes she should do what he wants her to do and deal with it. It's "beyond you" why we are saying he wants her to be his slave because you are deliberately ignoring all the evidence that is what he is saying she should be. This is not, nor was it ever, about how much money she is making. She is obviously staying at "work" just to not be at home because she hates it there. He doesn't care if she hates it there, he wants his slave back.

And I STILL have no answer as to whether this marriage was arranged and how old she was when they married. Those answers would shed a lot of light on this situation.


----------



## Livvie

TexasMom1216 said:


> He SAID that's what he wants. Over and over, and I quoted it. I don't recall anyone supporting her being away from her family for 70 hours a week. As a matter of fact, I have been very critical of her for neglecting her family when clearly she isn't really working, she's just avoiding being at home because she hates her life.
> 
> You're correct, spouses should look at their life and figure out what works best for the FAMILY. That isn't what is happening here, because he does not care about her. The only person in this marriage who has ever mattered was him. She's miserable and tired of being a slave, she wants something for herself. She's immature and is acting out inappropriately and punishing her children for her miserable marriage.
> 
> You're so laser-focused on her not making enough money to meet some imaginary threshold and you're not looking at the big picture. He should want her to be happy too, it's not right that only the woman makes a sacrifice in a marriage. He doesn't care if she's happy, he believes she should do what he wants her to do and deal with it. It's "beyond you" why we are saying he wants her to be his slave because you are deliberately ignoring all the evidence that is what he is saying she should be. This is not, nor was it ever, about how much money she is making. She is obviously staying at "work" just to not be at home because she hates it there. He doesn't care if she hates it there, he wants his slave back.
> 
> And I STILL have no answer as to whether this marriage was arranged and how old she was when they married. Those answers would shed a lot of light on this situation.


Eh, this makes no sense. You state "she's miserable and tired of being a slave". Say what??? 🙄 The OP never said that and the wife isn't here so you are stating things that have not occurred. The only thing she's a slave to is the dead end job. At 70 hours a week away from home for years and years, the only thing she's not a slave to is her home and family.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Livvie said:


> Eh, this makes no sense. You state "she's miserable and tired of being a slave". Say what??? 🙄 The OP never said that and the wife isn't here so you are stating things that have not occurred. The only thing she's a slave to is the dead end job. At 70 hours a week away from home for years and years, *the only thing she's not a slave to is her home and family*.


Which is what her husband wants. And to be fair, no, she isn't here to tell us how she feels. I'm speculating based on his posts about her and things he said she's said to him ("for 20 years no one appreciates what I do") and his obvious contempt for her intelligence and the complete lack of interest he has shown in her wellbeing in this thread and in his other thread about this same issue. The OP is not going to say "I treat my wife like a slave and she is sick of it." It's silly to think he would, and if your "evidence" that she wasn't unhappy before is that the husband didn't specifically say she was unhappy before, that's even less solid than my speculation.


----------



## Livvie

TexasMom1216 said:


> Which is what her husband wants. And to be fair, no, she isn't here to tell us how she feels. I'm speculating based on his posts about her and things he said she's said to him ("for 20 years no one appreciates what I do") and his obvious contempt for her intelligence and the complete lack of interest he has shown in her wellbeing in this thread and in his other thread about this same issue. The OP is not going to say "I treat my wife like a slave and she is sick of it." It's silly to think he would, and if your "evidence" that she wasn't unhappy before is that the husband didn't specifically say she was unhappy before, that's even less solid than my speculation.


I disagree with you so hard my eyes rolled into my head. I think you are projecting so much it could be a movie. However, I hope OP will be back to tell us how everything is going.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

If the W has been away "working" 70 hours a week as her job, that makes so little, she's staying away from home most assuredly for none work related reasons.

And dear Lord, a mother and W, or H, gone for 70 hrs a week, is damaging to the spousal relationship period.


----------



## andyannu

Kaliber said:


> That raises the questions:
> 
> Is she taking cash (most likely) and hiding it from her husband and only reporting a small amount?
> Is she actually working that many hours or is she doing other things that the husband doesn't know about?
> @andyannu, you seem to be a very busy man, and might not know what your wife is doing all the time, so something is fishy here, can you *confirm* that you are sure *%100* without a *doubt *that what you know is the *absolute *truth?!


I cannot know exactly how much money she makes in cash. I certainly cannot micro-manage her business. Some people think on this blog think I am lying. I cannot convince those people about my truth . I have access to her business account. And I have done her business taxes last five years. Here is a "real snapshot of what she has deposited in the bank. I think she works 40 hours a week. But she disagrees and says she only works 20 hours a week . But for sure she is out of the house atleast 6 days if not seven. of those 4-5 days she returns home after 7 pm. It is not money which concerns me most. What concerns me is , that she is not there for the kids 3.30 to 7 pm when they are at home. She is not at home on weekends. I have suggested that she comes home by 6 pm and not work weekends. But she feels her clientele will not be adequately served by those hours. We bought the house 11 years back with an extra room for her business. She refuses to use that room and instead pay $100 in rent. Here are her numbers for last five years


----------



## andyannu

BigDaddyNY said:


> This whole marriage appears completely broken. There doesn't appear to be respect from either side. I also wonder who is taking care of the kids. The wife is working 70 hours/wk and the husband is working 2 job, so probably 70 hours/wk or maybe more. That doesn't leave much time to care for kids and actually be husband and wife, or much time to sleep for that matter.
> 
> I completely understand that the wife wants a job/career. Everyone needs to get out of the home and feel like they have a purpose. My wife doesn't need to work, she wants to work and loves her job. I completely get that, but this woman is running a failed business. That is a completely different story. She is making next to nothing for a whole lot of hours worked. Something has to change there.
> 
> To me the solution to this is simple. She needs to stick a fork in the failed business and go work for a successful hair salon. I would be she could make enough with a 40 hour/wk job to allow her husband to drop his second job or at least cut back his hours. Then BOTH could be home more and they both have the satisfaction of working outside of the home. Doesn't seem like rocket science to me. Now, will this fix the mutual lack of respect? Not immediately, but it may be a way forward. Right now the status quo is heading straight to divorce and hatred for each other.


I have worked from home last 11 years. I was there to take care of my wife when she was pregnant with our twins and could not get out of bed most of her pregnancy. We also have two grandmas living with us, both her and my mother, Both grandmas have help in cooking, dishwashing laundry etc. My second job teaching in evening is also from home. Our kids are not as ignored as it might sound from blogs. I have driven all three kids to "Sunday School" for 10 years. I find time to teach my kids Piano and Indian language at home. I take them to Park and to Pool. She also takes kids hiking. She takes them to tennis lessons. She does love her kids and is primary person handling their school, shopping for clothes. Then we have an 18 year old who loves her 10 year siblings. Our 18 year old and grandma cook for the kids, 18 year old drives them around and takes them to restaurants and activities.


----------



## andyannu

Livvie said:


> Did you read the thread?
> 
> She works 70 hours a week and only brings home 2 thousand dollars a year. A YEAR.
> 
> NO SANE spouse is okay having a partner with such little time for the family and kids to earn less than FIFTY CENTS AN HOUR.
> 
> And no sane adult continues to work a job for five years that only yields fifty cents an hour.


I do not think she works 70 hours. Though she might be out of house 7 days a week, I think she really works no more than 40 hours a week


----------



## andyannu

TexasMom1216 said:


> He SAID that's what he wants. Over and over, and I quoted it. I don't recall anyone supporting her being away from her family for 70 hours a week. As a matter of fact, I have been very critical of her for neglecting her family when clearly she isn't really working, she's just avoiding being at home because she hates her life.
> 
> You're correct, spouses should look at their life and figure out what works best for the FAMILY. That isn't what is happening here, because he does not care about her. The only person in this marriage who has ever mattered was him. She's miserable and tired of being a slave, she wants something for herself. She's immature and is acting out inappropriately and punishing her children for her miserable marriage.
> 
> You're so laser-focused on her not making enough money to meet some imaginary threshold and you're not looking at the big picture. He should want her to be happy too, it's not right that only the woman makes a sacrifice in a marriage. He doesn't care if she's happy, he believes she should do what he wants her to do and deal with it. It's "beyond you" why we are saying he wants her to be his slave because you are deliberately ignoring all the evidence that is what he is saying she should be. This is not, nor was it ever, about how much money she is making. She is obviously staying at "work" just to not be at home because she hates it there. He doesn't care if she hates it there, he wants his slave back.
> 
> And I STILL have no answer as to whether this marriage was arranged and how old she was when they married. Those answers would shed a lot of light on this situation.


For 5 years she has stepped out of house leaving her children every weekend. If she was my slave, would this be allowed. Few months back she went out for work on Saturday afternoon. Our kids were sent out for a sleepover to her friend's house. She texted me close to midnight saying "I am going to spend night here" . She showed up next day afternoon with the kids. I did not say a word to her. Is this what slaves do ?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

andyannu said:


> My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years. She refuses to stop working on weekends or come home by 6 pm to be with our 10 year old twins. There are references to cooking. I am a trained chef and can cook very easily but I refuse to take complete responsibility of cooking in my household. I need ideas how can I get my respect back in this marriage
> *___*
> [11/28/21, 9:41:03 PM] Husband: Thank you for cooking dinner for me tonight
> 
> [11/29/21, 4:49:49 AM] Wife: Why didn’t you plan before going on shopping? I’m not the maid of the house , who will take care of kids , cleaning house, come cook dinner for everyone after work. You’re on diet so plan accordingly. I am not going to cook different choices for all the people. If you can cook for other people , you can cook for yourself too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 6:33:34 AM] Husband: Good to know , that cooking for your own husband is being a maid. By this standard and thought, I should call myself an ATM for the household, serving to generate cash , needed to serve the needs of so called "maid" . The "maid" is happy serving the other customers who pay her a "minimum wage" . Good to know you this is what you have reduced our relationship to
> 
> [11/29/21, 8:39:03 AM] Husband: But you raise a good point. Who are you, or rather "what have you become". When we got married , traditional wedding vows say a wife is "responsible for well being which includes everyone in family is fed". The husband is the financial provider. In modern world these roles can be switched or equally shared. Clearly your "minimum wage making beauty operation" does not make you the financial provider for the family. And as every single day goes by, you do not want to do the traditional wife's role. A good question you need to ask yourself, who are you ?
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:28:26 AM] Wife: Time has changed my dear husband!! I have done my duties alone for 20 years, without being appreciated!! be it taking care of kiddos health, activities, cooking cleaning & most importantly helping in finances with my husband trouble times. ( with my minimum wage)
> 
> So now I want everyone in the house equally come out & pitch in for all the work in household. I’m now tired serving & thinking of everyone all the time.
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:35:06 AM] Husband: Unlike you I cannot say I will stop earning and everyone else should pitch in. As for "troubled times " financial help, the sum which was probably helped out is now there and probably much more in your retirement accounts which now top more than 100K. so past has been taken care of. Ask everyone to pitch in equally in housework, only if you can equally pitch in to about 120K which the family consumes in finances every year
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:54:51 AM] Husband: Also please pitch in equally to managing 20++ banking , investment accounts, home maintenance and upgrades
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:03:07 AM] Wife: I have never said no for to pitch in for any expenses. I also contributed last year for home maintenance, which you transferred back to my account ( May be some ego problem you got)
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:00 AM] Wife: I’m not only one who’s consuming your finances. We both are equally responsible for this family. How much you’re earning it doesn’t depend on that. How much you’re showing respect in relationship that matters most.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:02 AM] Husband: Contribute towards the work before you demand everyone else contributes to cleaning and cooking. Besides all I have already mentioned, there is insurances for home, cars, medicals and dentals which need to managed, credit card need to managed, utility and telephone bills need to managed. All that work is not visible to you.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:14 AM] Wife: You complicate so much cards . Put it in one account & give me all the info. I will take care of them every month
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:26 AM] Wife: I will pay from my account too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:34 AM] Husband: You disrespect everyone in the family by constant yelling over cleaning. I have largely kept quiet when you keep consuming all services related to banking, insurance, home maintenance, credit cards but contribute 0% to the work involved
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:04 AM] Husband: I told you years back to start with utilities , check bills, you even refused to do that
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:43 AM] Wife: I never refuse, but no one helps me in other chores if he house. Then I can’t do alone everything.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM] Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:10:31 AM] Wife: I will keep yelling on everyone for cleaning, since they are the one who made mess. I want to raise my kids as respecting other spouse & pitch in everywhere they can unlikely you disrespect on money all the time & keep saying we don’t need money now & keep whining about Money all the time & spend it where it’s not needed
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:11 AM] Wife: Grow up you whiny kid! Behave like a 50 year old
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:55 AM] Husband: Right now demand is ( our daughter ) will pick up my kids, I am to cook my own meals, All this is subsidizing so you can spend more time in your "minimum wage beauty operation". Why should I subsidize your operation with my time, when you refused to help in banking, credit cards, investments, home maintenance, insurances etc
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:13:48 AM] Husband: Not to forget taxes including taxes and accounting for beauty parlor
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:14:39 AM] Wife: Because my kiddos so called father need nap in the afternoon. I have raised a beautiful & responsible daughter who I picked & dropped her all the time. She is g graciously giving me back . Ask your daughter what’s her image of you as her father, when you keep whining about my friends to her
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:15:03 AM] Wife: I will do it individually my parlor account . You’re out of it
> *___*
> 
> 
> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


Well for starters, and I am not being a smart ass, learn to converse rather than text. Have a civil and honest conversation.


----------



## David60525

andyannu said:


> My wife did not cook any meals for three straight days. This is an actual conversation between us. . I have worked two jobs last 15 years. I have paid all bills last 11 years. My wife works 7 days a week in her "minimum wage producing beauty salon" which has made her no more than $1-$2K last 5 years. She refuses to stop working on weekends or come home by 6 pm to be with our 10 year old twins. There are references to cooking. I am a trained chef and can cook very easily but I refuse to take complete responsibility of cooking in my household. I need ideas how can I get my respect back in this marriage
> *___*
> [11/28/21, 9:41:03 PM] Husband: Thank you for cooking dinner for me tonight
> 
> [11/29/21, 4:49:49 AM] Wife: Why didn’t you plan before going on shopping? I’m not the maid of the house , who will take care of kids , cleaning house, come cook dinner for everyone after work. You’re on diet so plan accordingly. I am not going to cook different choices for all the people. If you can cook for other people , you can cook for yourself too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 6:33:34 AM] Husband: Good to know , that cooking for your own husband is being a maid. By this standard and thought, I should call myself an ATM for the household, serving to generate cash , needed to serve the needs of so called "maid" . The "maid" is happy serving the other customers who pay her a "minimum wage" . Good to know you this is what you have reduced our relationship to
> 
> [11/29/21, 8:39:03 AM] Husband: But you raise a good point. Who are you, or rather "what have you become". When we got married , traditional wedding vows say a wife is "responsible for well being which includes everyone in family is fed". The husband is the financial provider. In modern world these roles can be switched or equally shared. Clearly your "minimum wage making beauty operation" does not make you the financial provider for the family. And as every single day goes by, you do not want to do the traditional wife's role. A good question you need to ask yourself, who are you ?
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:28:26 AM] Wife: Time has changed my dear husband!! I have done my duties alone for 20 years, without being appreciated!! be it taking care of kiddos health, activities, cooking cleaning & most importantly helping in finances with my husband trouble times. ( with my minimum wage)
> 
> So now I want everyone in the house equally come out & pitch in for all the work in household. I’m now tired serving & thinking of everyone all the time.
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:35:06 AM] Husband: Unlike you I cannot say I will stop earning and everyone else should pitch in. As for "troubled times " financial help, the sum which was probably helped out is now there and probably much more in your retirement accounts which now top more than 100K. so past has been taken care of. Ask everyone to pitch in equally in housework, only if you can equally pitch in to about 120K which the family consumes in finances every year
> 
> [11/29/21, 9:54:51 AM] Husband: Also please pitch in equally to managing 20++ banking , investment accounts, home maintenance and upgrades
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:03:07 AM] Wife: I have never said no for to pitch in for any expenses. I also contributed last year for home maintenance, which you transferred back to my account ( May be some ego problem you got)
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:00 AM] Wife: I’m not only one who’s consuming your finances. We both are equally responsible for this family. How much you’re earning it doesn’t depend on that. How much you’re showing respect in relationship that matters most.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:05:02 AM] Husband: Contribute towards the work before you demand everyone else contributes to cleaning and cooking. Besides all I have already mentioned, there is insurances for home, cars, medicals and dentals which need to managed, credit card need to managed, utility and telephone bills need to managed. All that work is not visible to you.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:14 AM] Wife: You complicate so much cards . Put it in one account & give me all the info. I will take care of them every month
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:26 AM] Wife: I will pay from my account too.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:06:34 AM] Husband: You disrespect everyone in the family by constant yelling over cleaning. I have largely kept quiet when you keep consuming all services related to banking, insurance, home maintenance, credit cards but contribute 0% to the work involved
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:04 AM] Husband: I told you years back to start with utilities , check bills, you even refused to do that
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:07:43 AM] Wife: I never refuse, but no one helps me in other chores if he house. Then I can’t do alone everything.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:09:39 AM] Husband: You decide to waste your time in "minimum wage work" you should not expect every one else to subsidize your operation, by pitching in traditional housework . Make equal income then start complaining of equal work pitch in cooking and cleaning.
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:10:31 AM] Wife: I will keep yelling on everyone for cleaning, since they are the one who made mess. I want to raise my kids as respecting other spouse & pitch in everywhere they can unlikely you disrespect on money all the time & keep saying we don’t need money now & keep whining about Money all the time & spend it where it’s not needed
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:11 AM] Wife: Grow up you whiny kid! Behave like a 50 year old
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:11:55 AM] Husband: Right now demand is ( our daughter ) will pick up my kids, I am to cook my own meals, All this is subsidizing so you can spend more time in your "minimum wage beauty operation". Why should I subsidize your operation with my time, when you refused to help in banking, credit cards, investments, home maintenance, insurances etc
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:13:48 AM] Husband: Not to forget taxes including taxes and accounting for beauty parlor
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:14:39 AM] Wife: Because my kiddos so called father need nap in the afternoon. I have raised a beautiful & responsible daughter who I picked & dropped her all the time. She is g graciously giving me back . Ask your daughter what’s her image of you as her father, when you keep whining about my friends to her
> 
> [11/29/21, 10:15:03 AM] Wife: I will do it individually my parlor account . You’re out of it
> *___*
> 
> 
> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


She is getting ready to dump you.
See a family law attorney, get divorce preceeding to freeze assets. Hypergammy, you are geting set up to be screwed. Red pill dude. Hypergammy. Protect self or lose 75% of all you both has.


----------



## TexasMom1216

andyannu said:


> I have worked from home last 11 years. I was there to take care of my wife when she was pregnant with our twins and could not get out of bed most of her pregnancy. We also have two grandmas living with us, both her and my mother, Both grandmas have help in cooking, dishwashing laundry etc. My second job teaching in evening is also from home. Our kids are not as ignored as it might sound from blogs. I have driven all three kids to "Sunday School" for 10 years. I find time to teach my kids Piano and Indian language at home. I take them to Park and to Pool. She also takes kids hiking. She takes them to tennis lessons. She does love her kids and is primary person handling their school, shopping for clothes. Then we have an 18 year old who loves her 10 year siblings. Our 18 year old and grandma cook for the kids, 18 year old drives them around and takes them to restaurants and activities.


So the children aren’t being neglected. Money isn’t an issue. She spends time with and cares for her children. There are others to help with housework. What exactly is the problem?


----------



## Anastasia6

andyannu said:


> I do not think she works 70 hours. Though she might be out of house 7 days a week, I think she really works no more than 40 hours a week


So the real issue isn’t the job or money or even the kids. The real issue is your wife either doesn’t like you or living with the mothers and might be having an affair. 

with your personality add in the mother’s it couldbe either or both. So you know she isn’t working the whole time.

you will never get past this because you can’t even be honest with an anonymous Internet forum or perhaps yourself. You show her no respect and you text but don’t talk.

chances are she’s already gone but if she isn’t you two have lots of work to do. I don’t see that happeningso I’ll just say good luck.


----------



## andyannu

TexasMom1216 said:


> So the children aren’t being neglected. Money isn’t an issue. She spends time with and cares for her children. There are others to help with housework. What exactly is the problem?


Total disrespect. Children need their mother around on weekends . Children need and mother who can be around them 3-7 pm when they come from school.and not be working a minimum wage job instead, particularly since family does not need the extra income. They need a mother who would attend parties till 2 am, which keeps kids till 2 am. 

Children cannot understand all this or complain. A husband who is contributing 100% of the income and also chipping in a bit for grocery shopping and cooking, does not need to be belittled and insulted every week at home


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

andyannu said:


> I cannot know exactly how much money she makes in cash. I certainly cannot micro-manage her business. Some people think on this blog think I am lying. I cannot convince those people about my truth . I have access to her business account. And I have done her business taxes last five years. Here is a "real snapshot of what she has deposited in the bank. I think she works 40 hours a week. But she disagrees and says she only works 20 hours a week . But for sure she is out of the house atleast 6 days if not seven. of those 4-5 days she returns home after 7 pm. It is not money which concerns me most. What concerns me is , that she is not there for the kids 3.30 to 7 pm when they are at home. She is not at home on weekends. I have suggested that she comes home by 6 pm and not work weekends. But she feels her clientele will not be adequately served by those hours. We bought the house 11 years back with an extra room for her business. She refuses to use that room and instead pay $100 in rent. Here are her numbers for last five years
> 
> View attachment 80770
> View attachment 80770


Being a businessman, your wife is not depositing cash. If she has an appointment calendar, see how many appointments she had in a year, and see what her average appointment charge is. if you know what she charges for an appointment you will see what I am saying.

Mrs. NLLH pays $200 every four weeks for style and color which she tells me is low. All I know is my barber charges me $14 LOL, but my hair is grey and falling out.


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## LeslieD125

andyannu said:


> I need ideas to get my respect back and salvage this marriage


My heart breaks to read this. Many of the responses point out that there is a lack of respect for her job choice. Maybe because it isn't well paying, maybe because it takes too much time away from the home. But what it comes down to is Expectations! the disappointment of what you are expecting out of each other and not getting is undermining any love that is in the relationship. Love is patient and kind. And it's not a contract. Be loving regardless of her actions--that is convent love (like the vow that you took when you got married). If you want respect, be respectful: treat her with unconditional love.


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## hamadryad

LeslieD125 said:


> My heart breaks to read this. Many of the responses point out that there is a lack of respect for her job choice. Maybe because it isn't well paying, maybe because it takes too much time away from the home. But what it comes down to is Expectations! the disappointment of what you are expecting out of each other and not getting is undermining any love that is in the relationship. Love is patient and kind.* And it's not a contract*. Be loving regardless of her actions--that is convent love (like the vow that you took when you got married). If you want respect, be respectful: treat her with unconditional love.


Lol....see bolded.....It's a contract, or you would never need lawyers to settle disputes/ divorces...You can just tell the other person to be patient and kind and they wont take you to the cleaners...

But anyway....

Like another poster said...Only a person with rocks in their head would work(whether busy or not) all that time without adequate compensation...I mentioned previously that some wealthy people do this to feed their hobbies, or get their wives out of the house, with no expectation of profit, but this is different...And those women( I know a few in this situation) will only work normal hours, if that....They'll close the store for vacation or any other reason...

I think the OP needs to get to the bottom of why this woman doesn't want to be home and spend time with the kids...Its not something people with kids at this age(especially women) typically do...A home is supposed to be a haven and a place you want to be, not a place to avoid...If this was some scenario where they were making a temporary sacrifice for a greater gain down the road that would be something to consider, but I am not seeing that...Seems like she just doesn't want to be home...


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## Anastasia6

The fact that both mothers are living at home may explain why she doesn't want to be home. He's said that she doesn't work the whole time she is gone. So it isn't working all the time for no money. She simply doesn't want to be home.


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## In Absentia

andyannu said:


> Total disrespect. Children need their mother around on weekends . Children need and mother who can be around them 3-7 pm when they come from school.and not be working a minimum wage job instead, particularly since family does not need the extra income. They need a mother who would attend parties till 2 am, which keeps kids till 2 am.
> 
> Children cannot understand all this or complain. A husband who is contributing 100% of the income and also chipping in a bit for grocery shopping and cooking, does not need to be belittled and insulted every week at home


So, it does boil down to a traditional view of family roles. It seems to me she doesn't respect you because you don't respect her, as a mother, as a wife and as a business woman. Because she is not conforming to your views. If you want to get your respect back, maybe you should start respecting your wife, her job and her contribution to the family.


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## BigDaddyNY

In Absentia said:


> So, it does boil down to a traditional view of family roles. It seems to me she doesn't respect you because you don't respect her, as a mother, as a wife and as a business woman. Because she is not conforming to your views. If you want to get your respect back, maybe you should start respecting your wife, her job and her contribution to the family.


Very good point. Respect is a two-way street, if you want to get it, you've got to give it.


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## jonty30

hamadryad said:


> Lol....see bolded.....It's a contract, or you would never need lawyers to settle disputes/ divorces...You can just tell the other person to be patient and kind and they wont take you to the cleaners...
> 
> But anyway....
> 
> Like another poster said...Only a person with rocks in their head would work(whether busy or not) all that time without adequate compensation...I mentioned previously that some wealthy people do this to feed their hobbies, or get their wives out of the house, with no expectation of profit, but this is different...And those women( I know a few in this situation) will only work normal hours, if that....They'll close the store for vacation or any other reason...
> 
> I think the OP needs to get to the bottom of why this woman doesn't want to be home and spend time with the kids...Its not something people with kids at this age(especially women) typically do...A home is supposed to be a haven and a place you want to be, not a place to avoid...If this was some scenario where they were making a temporary sacrifice for a greater gain down the road that would be something to consider, but I am not seeing that...Seems like she just doesn't want to be home...


It's likely the mothers. The wife does not feel she has a place in the home, with the Husband and mothers taking precedence over her.
It all came together, once that one fact had been revealed. I absolutely cannot blame her for this.

The only solution is to find a solution as to how to house the mothers, so the wife has a home to go to and attend to her kids and husband.
I think the husband owes her a big apology.


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## andyannu

hamadryad said:


> Lol....see bolded.....It's a contract, or you would never need lawyers to settle disputes/ divorces...You can just tell the other person to be patient and kind and they wont take you to the cleaners...
> 
> But anyway....
> 
> Like another poster said...Only a person with rocks in their head would work(whether busy or not) all that time without adequate compensation...I mentioned previously that some wealthy people do this to feed their hobbies, or get their wives out of the house, with no expectation of profit, but this is different...And those women( I know a few in this situation) will only work normal hours, if that....They'll close the store for vacation or any other reason...
> 
> I think the OP needs to get to the bottom of why this woman doesn't want to be home and spend time with the kids...Its not something people with kids at this age(especially women) typically do...A home is supposed to be a haven and a place you want to be, not a place to avoid...If this was some scenario where they were making a temporary sacrifice for a greater gain down the road that would be something to consider, but I am not seeing that...Seems like she just doesn't want to be home...


Her business is on for fifth year barely making minimum wage. How many more years do I need to be patient. And gradually she has started caring less and less for kids, home and husband


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## jonty30

andyannu said:


> Her business is on for fifth year barely making minimum wage. How many more years do I need to be patient. And gradually she has started caring less and less for kids, home and husband


She's not at home, because she doesn't feel valued. She has to be your wife (understandable). She has to be a mother (understandable). Then she has to be subservient to two mothers who are likely telling her how to improve being a wife and mother. I can understand why she doesn't want to be at home at all, under those conditions.

This is one that you're going to have to take for the team and find alternative abodes for the mothers. Your wife has no reason to change how she does her business, as long as the living arrangements in your home do not change. Can you afford a two bedroom apartment and have them live there instead?
It doesn't have to be far, just away from your house.


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## andyannu

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think I understand. It seems that there was a specific arrangement at the time of your "marriage," and she is essentially trying to change the terms of the contract, which is not something she should do. She, whether voluntarily or not (I still don't know if this marriage was arranged), made a commitment to live a certain way. You have not changed and she has, which is a breach of the contract.
> 
> We have a similar arrangement in the States, with religious marriages. It's called "submissive wives" or "Proverbs wives." It's more an ownership contract than what I think of as marriage, my marriage I suppose is "modern." My husband loves and respects me and wants me to be happy, and I feel the same about him, it's just a wholly different kind of marriage where we're actually friends and like and respect each other. He isn't my master or my boss, he's my partner in life and my opinion matters to him. I'm sure that sounds absurd to you. One poster attacked me as "not feminine" because I believe I should be treated like a person. The cultures are just completely different.
> 
> Regardless, you hold all the cards here. I would assume that any owned property in the salon (chairs, supplies) was purchased by you, as she has no money. That is your property. Sell it. Stop paying the rent on the salon and close it down.
> 
> Explain to her that she is in breach of contract. You allow her to live in your house, you give her clothes to wear, food to eat and feed and clothe her children and her mother, in exchange for her subservience and complete submission to you. If she violates her contract, it is null and void, and you have no responsibility to her at all. You say she loves her children, that is your weapon. As a mother, there is no horror I would not endure to keep my son safe. Tell her if she does not return to her proper place as stipulated in the contract, living as your servant and submitting to you in all things, both in life and sexually, without complaint, you will no longer support her, her children or her mother. She said it's been 20 years, tell her she is old, no one else would ever want her. There will be no more work, there will be no more salon, there will be no more friends, she will dedicate herself to whatever you tell her to or you will you throw her out and her children will starve. Complaints will be met with "discipline," but she will not have more than one chance before you will end the contract.
> 
> She will submit to protect her children and you will have this "respect" you want.



Is this note sarcasm or real. Irrespective of cultural background we come from, Assuming I am talking to US residents, all US residents are liable if they do not agree to general US understanding of a marriage. No one is under legal contract , neither husband nor wife, to serve each other. What needs it coordination. What is missing here is my wife has decided to sell her labor cheap at minimum wage for last five years. Her drive to make more money, leads her to work weekdays till 7 pm ( while kids miss their mother ) and weekends. The flaw is not her choice of profession , but her business model. Issue is not money, it is her prioritizing her clients over her kids and husband , particularly when the money which comes in is "peanuts" and family has done without it for 11 years now


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## In Absentia

andyannu said:


> The flaw is not her choice of profession , but her business model. Issue is not money, it is her prioritizing her clients over her kids and husband , particularly when the money which comes in is "peanuts" and family has done without it for 11 years now


Well, I think the issue is _also_ money. If she made 500K you wouldn't be complaining about it...


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## TexasMom1216

andyannu said:


> Is this note sarcasm or real. Irrespective of cultural background we come from, Assuming I am talking to US residents, all US residents are liable if they do not agree to general US understanding of a marriage. No one is under legal contract , neither husband nor wife, to serve each other. What needs it coordination. What is missing here is my wife has decided to sell her labor cheap at minimum wage for last five years. Her drive to make more money, leads her to work weekdays till 7 pm ( while kids miss their mother ) and weekends. The flaw is not her choice of profession , but her business model. Issue is not money, it is her prioritizing her clients over her kids and husband , particularly when the money which comes in is "peanuts" and family has done without it for 11 years now


As a woman who regularly visits a stylist at a salon, I can assure you that stylists working nights and weekends is very normal, especially when so many women work or have children at home and cannot have appointments during the day. A successful stylist cannot have a business, especially at the beginning, without working nights and weekends, at least until she establishes regular clientele and sometimes even then. Certainly the wealthier women are going to need nights and weekends because they work during the week. These extended hours are a normal part of the profession she has chosen.

As for why she does not want to use the "room" in the house so that she is at home, she will have to speak to that, I could only speculate.

You say it needs "coordination," but based on what you've posted here and on other threads, there is no attempt at coordination. Again, I cannot speak to who is at fault, but what you've said about her there does not appear to me to be an interest in compromise. In fairness, that could be that you are frustrated because she has rejected your attempts at compromise. But if you are asking her not to see clients evenings and weekends, you are asking her to not have a successful business. Salon work is not 8-5 work, because so many people have to work their stylist appointments around their own schedules.

She is changing the terms of the marriage, which, regardless of what they were, she cannot do. Either she gives up her friends and her work, or the "marriage" arrangement is unacceptable to you and ends. I don't see another option.


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## andyannu

In Absentia said:


> Well, I think the issue is _also_ money. If she made 500K you wouldn't be complaining about it...


Agreed but she makes 10K ? We are not short of money. We are short of time since we each have only 24 hrs. She decides to waste her time and staying away from kids. How can I validate such a choice.


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## andyannu

TexasMom1216 said:


> As a woman who regularly visits a stylist at a salon, I can assure you that stylists working nights and weekends is very normal, especially when so many women work or have children at home and cannot have appointments during the day. A successful stylist cannot have a business, especially at the beginning, without working nights and weekends, at least until she establishes regular clientele and sometimes even then. Certainly the wealthier women are going to need nights and weekends because they work during the week. These extended hours are a normal part of the profession she has chosen.
> 
> As for why she does not want to use the "room" in the house so that she is at home, she will have to speak to that, I could only speculate.
> 
> You say it needs "coordination," but based on what you've posted here and on other threads, there is no attempt at coordination. Again, I cannot speak to who is at fault, but what you've said about her there does not appear to me to be an interest in compromise. In fairness, that could be that you are frustrated because she has rejected your attempts at compromise. But if you are asking her not to see clients evenings and weekends, you are asking her to not have a successful business. Salon work is not 8-5 work, because so many people have to work their stylist appointments around their own schedules.
> 
> She is changing the terms of the marriage, which, regardless of what they were, she cannot do. Either she gives up her friends and her work, or the "marriage" arrangement is unacceptable to you and ends. I don't see another option.


Thank you for your reply which is full of wisdom.


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## DownByTheRiver

andyannu said:


> Agreed but she makes 10K ? We are not short of money. We are short of time since we each have only 24 hrs. She decides to waste her time and staying away from kids. How can I validate such a choice.


You need to do your part with the kids. They're also your kids.


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## andyannu

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to do your part with the kids. They're also your kids.


I do , I make kids meals when she is not around. I drop kids to school. Sometimes I pick them in the afternoon. I drive them to their math class. For 10 years I have driven them to Sunday School to a church about an hours drive from our home. I teach kids Piano and our native language. I try to engage them playing board games and cards, to wean them away from computers. Additionally they also attend my some sessions along with my other students. I read with the kids at night ( though I am not consistent with this )

My mother also cooks for her grandkids. She helps in laundry , dishwashing and cooking. My older 18 one chips in all these tasks too including grocery shopping. The result this year has been my wife has been more and more hours at her business. She still complains about everyone at home .

On other hand as mentioned in the chat, she will not help in bills, bills monitoring to see credit cards are not charging you incorrectly, banking, investments, retirement planning, home maintenance, gardening, insurances, refinancing mortgages, compare shopping for major purchases etc . My question is why is a women allowed to get away with all that, but a man is on the spot for not cooking and cleaning ?


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## DownByTheRiver

andyannu said:


> I do , I make kids meals when she is not around. I drop kids to school. Sometimes I pick them in the afternoon. I drive them to their math class. For 10 years I have driven them to Sunday School to a church about an hours drive from our home. I teach kids Piano and our native language. I try to engage them playing board games and cards, to wean them away from computers. Additionally they also attend my some sessions along with my other students. I read with the kids at night ( though I am not consistent with this )
> 
> My mother also cooks for her grandkids. She helps in laundry , dishwashing and cooking. My older 18 one chips in all these tasks too including grocery shopping. The result this year has been my wife has been more and more hours at her business. She still complains about everyone at home .
> 
> On other hand as mentioned in the chat, she will not help in bills, bills monitoring to see credit cards are not charging you incorrectly, banking, investments, retirement planning, home maintenance, gardening, insurances, refinancing mortgages, compare shopping for major purchases etc . My question is why is a women allowed to get away with all that, but a man is on the spot for not cooking and cleaning ?


You're spending as many hours as you want at your business and your wife is spending as many hours as she wants at hers. I don't know how to tell you to sort out your financial tasks. But if you both want to work a lot, instead of asking her to stay home more you need to hire help or stop complaining when you have to take care of the kids. 

It sounds to me like if you let her handle something financial the way she wants to handle it instead of in particular the way you do, she might be more willing. But I don't know and I don't know how competent she is with it. If all of that is overwhelming to you maybe you need to hire a part-time accountant or like I suggested before set your bills up on automatic bill pay.


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## In Absentia

If you feel the housework and the driving/looking after the children is not equally shared and neither of you are prepared to compromise, then you can hire someone to help with it all. I have the feeling you don't particularly like your wife. How's the rest of your relationship? Do you have a sex life or you are just "mates" now?

Another thing: you have set up your life in a way that has allowed your wife to avoid some her responsibilities and work long hours. You have your mother there to help, so she doesn't have to do it. After 5 years, you've had enough and you complain. Maybe it's time to change the setup.


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## Cindywife

DownByTheRiver said:


> But if you both want to work a lot, instead of asking her to stay home more you need to hire help or stop complaining when you have to take care of the kids.


Too many egos are the problem. His and hers. When a couple focuses *too* much on themselves and their needs rather than focusing on the children's needs, the family begins to crumble. Extended family living in the home further complicates matters.

The parents, who are the heads of the household need to figure out how to give their kids their best chance of survival. This needs to be the *primary* goal. Once that is set in place the rest of the planning goes much soother.


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## Quad73

In Absentia said:


> Well, I think the issue is _also_ money. If she made 500K you wouldn't be complaining about it...


Exactly. I wish people would stop calling it her 'business'. It's not a business, there is no money in it. Calling it a business allows the argument that she is right to continue at it. If it were an actual business, of course she would be right to continue working at making it viable. But she is not. She has refused to make it viable. 

If the gender roles were reversed in OP's case, all heck would break loose here about what a useless bum her husband was. It's more like a stamp collection taking up 40 hrs a week. 

She wants to be away from the house and enjoy her hobby. Nothing wrong with that, if she were single. She's not. That's the OP's issue.


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## Divinely Favored

Livvie said:


> She obviously isn't behaving as a life partner if she has been working 7 days a week for years and years, with little time left to attend to the family/kids and only makes 1 to 2 k a year. That's honestly like robbing the family of her energy, care, and time.
> 
> If it's 2k a year, that means she brings home $38.46 A WEEK. Yes, less than thirty nine dollars a week. That's beyond, far far far beyond stupid and no one in their right mind can defend it.


It is more about busy work and socializing. My mom had a beauty shop. Had 2 other hairdressers working for her. The loss helped with the taxes from dads income and from the rental property. All she got was carpel tunnel surgical scars to show for it.


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## andyannu

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're spending as many hours as you want at your business and your wife is spending as many hours as she wants at hers. I don't know how to tell you to sort out your financial tasks. But if you both want to work a lot, instead of asking her to stay home more you need to hire help or stop complaining when you have to take care of the kids.
> 
> It sounds to me like if you let her handle something financial the way she wants to handle it instead of in particular the way you do, she might be more willing. But I don't know and I don't know how competent she is with it. If all of that is overwhelming to you maybe you need to hire a part-time accountant or like I suggested before set your bills up on automatic bill pay.





Quad73 said:


> Exactly. I wish people would stop calling it her 'business'. It's not a business, there is no money in it. Calling it a business allows the argument that she is right to continue at it. If it were an actual business, of course she would be right to continue working at making it viable. But she is not. She has refused to make it viable.
> 
> If the gender roles were reversed in OP's case, all heck would break loose here about what a useless bum her husband was. It's more like a stamp collection taking up 40 hrs a week.
> 
> She wants to be away from the house and enjoy her hobby. Nothing wrong with that, if she were single. She's not. That's the OP's issue.



Thank you for reading my mind


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## DownByTheRiver

andyannu said:


> Thank you for reading my mind


Point is she doesn't have to conform to your idea of what her life should be like. Your choice is always open to leave her.


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## DownByTheRiver

I don't know what country you live in, but if either of you decides to divorce, in the United States, which I suspect you don't live in, the norm is for each parent to have equal 50/50 joint custody. That means one parent gets the child two and a half consecutive days through the week and one day on the weekend. So one has them Sunday through Wednesday and one has them Wednesday through Sunday, with the drop off days being a half day.

When you have them, the other parent doesn't do anything for them. When it's your days, you are the one who has to meet with the teacher if they call, you are the one who has to take them to the doctor if they need to go, you are the one who has to make sure they get fed, and you are the one who has the taxi them around. In the summer when the kids are not in school or on school holidays, it is you who is responsible for either taking care of them yourself or paying for daycare. You don't get to call the other parent and ask them to fill in for you. This gives both parents and equal chance to balance their career and family. Which I know you won't like.

I would also just mention that your wife may be making more money than she is reporting since she is in an industry where it's pretty easy to do that.


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## Young at Heart

andyannu said:


> Currently her choice of profession and business model, requires her to take time away from kids on weekend and late in evenings to be with her clients. The return is barely minimum wage after 5 years. So with this kind of return , I do not care about the money. Also as I said, I have paid all bills last 11 years. $0 has been paid for household expenses like grocery, mortgage etc. She has paid on three occassions once to buy a car for our daughter, and twice partially for vacations we took





andyannu said:


> The question is what is her primary job "being a mother" or being a business women. I would be okay, if she worked weekdays and regular hours. But she wants to work till 7-8 pm many weekdays and weekends. At finally if it brings returns closer to minimum wage, I do not know how I can respect such a "family breaking" decision . Note she has been doing this for five years. I have reached end of my patience





andyannu said:


> We bought a home with specific needs for her to run her business from home. She got pregnant and could not work next 5 years. After 5 years she decided, the room was no good so she should rent. Now for every $2 which comes in revenue $1 goes out in rent. I have told her this many times. But it makes sense to her


Dear *andyannu*

Your post makes you sound either very angry or very frustrated.

Please remember (I am sure you know already) that the whole Covid-19 thing has hit most small businesses very hard the past few years. Yes, you are working too jobs and you are bringing in the money to keep your family financially alive. You do deserve some help and she should share some of the household chores. But bear in mind that "should" and "wants to" are different things.

Pull yourself out away from your perspective for a moment. I am semi-retired and my wife is retired. We are in our 70's, I have had a great career and saved enough money to be financially safe and secure in retirement. My wife recently got bored with retirement and has volunteers to help out in a local school (for no pay) she has also volunteered with a community non-profit to help them with distributing federal funds to the needy during Covid. She has done this because after working most of her life, she wants to interact with people and feel that she is doing something positive for people.

Have you talked to your wife in a gentle and supportive manner to ask her about her business and why she is doing it? If she is anything like my wife the thought of being her husbands "maid" may cause a very angry response. From your first post, I sense that has been what you have seen.

Explain to her that you feel stretched and that you can't keep going at too jobs forever. That you feel you need to back off either with your working too jobs or with what you do around the house. She probably knows how you feel, but have you really discussed your frustration with her? Don't blame this on her and don't try to portray yourself as the victim. Yes, she may be lazy or want to loaf while you do all the heavy lifting in your marriage, but you may also be viewing it wrong. Take the time to find out her perspective and her feelings about her business and why it is so important to her.

Good luck.


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## Jamieboy

I am of the opinion you will never get any respect from your wife, you are whining on here and not acting by giving her a choice to make. If her choice of career is something intolerable to you, give her the ultimatum, job or me. But you won't, because you're a man who thinks because you do something, other people owe you something. Its called a covert contract.

Now you might rebutt the above and say, "but I have told her what I want" but if that's the case and she said no, what did you do about it? You came on an Internet forum and whined and said its not fair. 

You want respect? Set some hard boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise get used to nothing EVER changing 

Now me, I totally respect your wife's right to do what the **** she wants with her work time, just because her schedule doesn't suit you. Money has nothing to do with it according to you, so it must be that she hasn't knuckled under to your outdated concept of the good little wife.

And to all you posters who say she shouldn't be working for less than minimum wage, its HER choice. They don't need the money according to OP and him working 2 jobs is HIS choice to provide the lifestyle HE wants.


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## Divinely Favored

DownByTheRiver said:


> Point is she doesn't have to conform to your idea of what her life should be like. Your choice is always open to leave her.


He dont need to....she is leaving him and her children. Her being gone all the time, espwcially weekends....the kids relationship with their mother will suffer and nit be what it could have been...especially when they are older. 

She is free to do as she pleased but at the cost of her relationship with kids and husband.


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