# Cannot Believe He Is Cheating w/ Coworker and I am Struggling



## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

First I want to say that I have been lurking and thoroughly reading this forum since November 2012 and the advice here (which I have tried to implement) has been invaluable, especially because no one in my life has experienced the shattering disaster that is infidelity. So I wanted to thank everyone for all their wisdom and knowledge that has helped me so much over these past months.

H & I have been together since I was 20 and he was 21. We have lived together for over 10 years and were married in 2009. We had planned to start a family in 2012, but unfortunately I had a miscarriage in February 2012 and was actually in fertility treatment when his affair exploded and destroyed our marriage. H & I always got along well, had similar interests and goals, lived a comfortable life, but did have our fair share of ups and downs, including my H’s alcohol addiction for which he received treatment for in 2011. And as I said somehow we managed to work through things, I thought we were best friends/partners in everything (business and life) and everyone in our life always thought of us as the “perfect couple”. And no incidents of cheating from either of us until 2012. 

2012 was a hard year for us, miscarriage, H had a close family member commit suicide in March, my father died unexpectedly in September and we started fertility treatments as we were having trouble getting pregnant again. H also began an EA with a subordinate in July 2012 (I now am aware of this), which he claims did not become a PA until December 2012; however I believe it became a PA in Sept/Oct. 

Over the summer I started noticing OW texting my H a lot. OW is married with a 6 year old child. Her texts all seemed to be asking stupid work questions, complaining about her husband and kid and other stupid comments. It seemed like my H barely responded and for every 10 texts she sent, it seemed he would respond only once. Since I was never the jealous type and trusted my H, I tried not to make a big deal out of this but did warn him that they were not friends but he was her boss, so be careful because this girl had left her last employer after claiming sexual harassment and of course I did not want H to get in trouble. H agreed and just said she was some stupid girl who texted everyone. I then began noticing in August that he was working later and later (he always worked 70 hours a week), but was not coming home on his nights off etc. and this was bothersome to me as we were trying to get pregnant and I was very depressed over the miscarriage. At the end of August, I began noticing that every time my H & I would be out together, she would always text him that she was going to quit her job bc she just could not take it etc., etc. and we began fighting about his relationship with this girl, as I felt it was inappropriate. By September, he was always at work and 90% of his text messages that month were to OW and when my father was in the hospital dying she was texting him (Oh and she also was texting him in the middle of my father’s funeral). By October, he was acting even odder, hardly home at all, we barely spent time together and when I accompanied him on a business trip to NYC in October, she texted him that she was quitting because she “could not handle it anymore”. All this time, he refused to admit anything was going on. We started fertility treatments in October and he also began running late at night (I now know he was texting her). Needless to say we were arguing about the texting, he kept gas lighting me and I was getting angrier and angrier, but never thought he would really cheat. 

Everything blew up in November, when we had a huge fight about the texting, he made me cancel our vacation to Hawaii (I intercepted a text to OW stating “I made my wife cancel our trip”), I caught him via the iPhone finder in parking lots and he left me at the fertility doctor as I was making the IVF appointment. He actually took off and texted me “sorry I do not want kids, you need to find someone else who can give you a family”; it has now come out that OW told him to tell me this. He refused to spend Thanksgiving with me (my father was barely dead) and I then got all the “we grew apart”, “have not been happy for years” and all the other infamous lines. At this point I had enough as he was acting like a stranger and had become mean and nasty to me (he had always been kind and gentle with me), so I moved money to protect myself to be able to pay our bills and drew up my divorce papers ( I am an attorney). I did all of this without telling him. However my H never asked for a divorce nor did he speak with a lawyer. 

All this time he was still gas lighting me and his family claiming he was not cheating, but “we fought all the time”, we never should have gotten married and that OW was just someone that he talked with because they were both in bad marriages. He then began spending time with OW outside of work a lot (not admitting it but I hired a PI and found out more info). All the time, he was still lying about having an affair and blaming me. So at my sister in laws insistence and after reading on TAM about the importance of exposing an affair, I contacted OW husband’s, who believed everything I told him, as he had been receiving the same treatment and he provided me with a wealth of information. OWH even stated that most likely his wife started this as my H made a lot of money and OW had asked him for a divorce in November, but OWH would not let her move out with the son, so OW stayed. After my H and OW found out I contact OWH, as expected all hell broke loose, my H was not happy and OW began texting me the nastiest messages, at first denying the affair but then she slipped up and admitted that she and my H were going to be very happy. My H then disappeared for 3 days (one of which was my birthday) and went to meet OW in New Jersey at a training seminar their employer was paying for. All this time, he was sending me nasty texts about “let’s separate, divide our money, he was going to move out but would not pay for the bills. However when I would ask him in person about these texts, he never had any recollection of saying he was moving out etc. I think OW was texting me from his phone . At this point, I was just waiting to serve him with divorce papers and he had no idea that I had a PI report, phone records, expense receipts etc. My plan was to surprise him with divorce papers, so I just kept smiling and nodding at him when he would laugh at me because he thought I wanted to reconcile. At this point I had not exposed to his work because I knew it may not be taken seriously and my H and OW would just lie. 

So in mid December 2012 ( I had now retained a divorce lawyer), I sent the constable to H’s office with the advice to pull my H, OW and H’s boss out of the daily 8 a.m. sales meeting and serve them all. So I served H with divorce papers (no fault), subpoenaed OW to depose her and served his boss with a subpoena for H’s emails with OW, financial information, etc. My H was hysterical that I did this and was calling his family crying that he was going to be fired, I was vindictive and I made up the whole affair. OW was pissed and H’s boss and the corporate lawyers were over the edge. After serving him, he finally retained a lawyer and we hardly spoke for 7 weeks (we did not even wish each other a Merry Christmas). He was deep in the “Fog” and not coming out. I had also exposed his affair to all of our friends around the time H was served. 
However, H still denied the affair, but since we were still living in the same house (and still are), his activities were obvious. He showed no signs of ending the affair and I began to find hotel reservations for NYE, receipts for Christian Loubitan shoes for OW etc. All this time, I tried to implement “the 180”, went out with friends and tried to keep busy, even though I was dying inside as I loved him and so wished we could fix the marriage. He then refused to sell the house and told me he would never sell, would not pay me my percentage of the house and would fight to give me nothing. I would always just respond that as a litigator, I was more than prepared to fight and I had the stomach for litigation but thought we should just try to settle so we could both move on. 

By January, H’s OW had moved out of her home into a hotel, so H was there most nights but never officially moved out and because she has a kid, H was often home on Friday and Saturday nights to watch me go out to socialize. I then noticed that H began calling his sister (I am very close with her and she has supported me 100%) to find out about my whereabouts, asking around to see if I was dating, I caught him eavesdropping on me and when he was home he began asking me to go to hangout ( I always declined). He began contacting me about stupid stuff, to which I always responded in a non-emotional businesslike manner.

By the end of January, I had begun to move on and even though I was devastated at losing the life we had built, I was trying to cope and it was then that he began asking me if we could meet “because we really needed to consider what we were doing”, “divorce was really a serious thing” etc. At this point I had no interest in meeting with him, as I knew he was still in the affair and I thought he was playing some type of game. But reluctantly I agreed to meet with him and he admitted he had an affair with OW, it never was supposed to happen, he wanted his old life back and he really believed he was not happy in the marriage because OW kept putting me down and telling him he was miserable. He said he was sorry and the affair was over and he was willing to do whatever it took. He said he had ended affair but it was a tough situation because they worked together etc. I told him calmly and coldly, I did not trust him, thought this was a game so I did not depose the OW (her depo was scheduled for February) and besides he had spent the night before at OW’s hotel room, he still insisted he had ended it that day because she was not a good person and he had a dream that we reconciled, had a family and lived happily ever after. He also told me OW had now moved into an apartment and had begged him to move in with her, but he had refused bc he wanted his marriage. 
I was still not buying his talk, but after almost 2 weeks, I stupidly began to soften, as he had been home every night, not being secretive of his phone, calling to check in, asking me to go on vacation (I declined) and being helpful around the house. I then found texts messages from her one morning and he swore it was over, it was just a “tough situation” as they worked together but he had a job opportunity in another state that would pay him a lot more money, so I could quit my job and either move with him, or split my time between our home and the new location. He told me he thought we should get back to the IVF and have a baby. I kept telling him that no, I will not consider R until we go to MC, he go NC with OW, quit his job, etc. He agreed to MC (something he had refused all fall bc he said I was the one who needed help not him). However, a few days later he started acting odd again, telling me that he got called in by the corporate lawyers again to be questioned about his affair and that they told him I was vindictive etc. He then told me he lied to the lawyers to save his job by denying the affair and telling them I was mentally ill ( he said he was sorry but he could not lose his job).He then took off for the next 3 nights to stay at the OW’s apartment. Come to find out, they had gotten back together bc she went crazy telling him she gave up her H and kid to move into an apartment so they could be together and start their lives. He then showed up at our house, begging for another chance and the cycle of his games had now begun. We then went to a marriage counselor, H said he wanted to end affair but counselor sensed H was ambivalent. We went to counseling twice, discussed boundaries, H explained that he was going to break it off officially the night before he left for vacation, so by the time he got back OW would be over him. MC and I told him this was not realistic, but he disagreed and promised he would stay at the house and not go to OW’s apartment anymore.

Well for that week, he was home every night and OW was sending him nasty messages (mainly about how horrible I was and how could he do this do her) and begging him to stay with her etc. H began showing me all her text messages (she is a bunny boiler) and starting almost vomiting information about OW, telling me she was a bad person, that she had told him she would pay my alimony, OW wanted him to get a quickie divorce and then she would get divorced so they could get married, that OW was not a good mother, etc., etc. He informed me that in January OW made him promise that he would never speak to me ever again and that OW was obsessed with me, my life and constantly bashed me. This went on for 5 days, with OW getting madder and madder, buying him stuff for his vacation, sending him notes begging for him not to leave her and telling him please do not let your wife break us up., etc. Well the night before his trip, he sent her a text message ending their affair and telling her NC and they were just now co-workers. She exploded sending 56 texts in under 10 minutes. He seemed confident but did tell me that he felt bad bc she had feelings (I told him I did not care about his or her feelings I cared about the abuse I endured).

He then called me that Saturday (March 9) from work to tell me “he was really sorry, he knew he should end it and want to put his marriage back together, but he just felt too bad for her as she gave up everything for him”. I was gutted but not surprised. I told him good luck in life and I was pushing the divorce through faster and hung up. I then exposed his latest drama to our loved ones. When I saw him the next day, it was like I was looking at the same man who lied to me all Fall, he was deep in “the Fog”. It seems that when my H is around me, he acts like the guy I have always known but when he is with OW for awhile he completely changes (OW has noticed this as well bc she has commented to him about this). So he was gone at OW’s for a few days and then arrived home, refusing to leave the marital bed (we had previously separated rooms with me moving to a guest room but I then decided after he called me mentally ill to move him to a guest room and reclaim the master bedroom) and telling me he does not want to get divorced but needs more time. I told him too bad, I want a divorce. He then spent two nights at home refusing to leave my bed (no sex) and then spent 2 nights at OW’s apartment. By last Friday when I arrived home from work, he accused me of leaving a religious picture on his windshield while it was parked at OW’s apartment (I did not such thing and while I know where she lives, it is over 45 minutes from our home) and that he had a new plan to break up with her. I told him I did not care that I wanted this embarrassment of a marriage over with but he proceeded to inform me that he was going to tell her I was sick. I again told him I was done and went out. Well the next night we had a family obligation to attend together and when he arrived he informed me that he had ended the affair again. He then shut off his phone for over 12 hours because he did not want to see her texts. We had dinner together Sunday and he informed me that when she corned him in his office, cried that how could he leave her, how could he let me break up their true love etc., but he had told her it was over. Well since Sunday she sent with 1000 text messages (no exaggeration)– the content of these messages was shocking, claiming I miscarried and we never had a child because God killed our baby so H & OW could be together, etc., etc. Every single text message included a reference to me and how evil I was for breaking up their true love (OW is still married, has not filed for divorce, has left her son with her husband to play house with mine), how he has always been miserable with me, our marriage was hell for him, etc. H allowed me to read these texts and ignored her, except to say she should go back to her husband (I have informed him NC is NC), but he seems obsessed that if OW goes back to her husband then she will leave him alone (of course OW is refusing to go back to her husband bc she has morals and has now had sex with my H, so how could she ever reconcile her marriage). My H swears he is done with her, but they work together and she has told him she will not accept his decision to end this. H has tried to end affair 4 times now, but keeps going back. While I know he needs to be firm with her, it is just such a crazy and dramatic situation considering they work together. 

I have read all about cake eaters (obviously H is one), but I just do not understand why he cannot just be done with this, if he really wants to R our marriage? Now I have not committed to reconciliation because his affair has not really ended and despite my being unsure if I really want R, I just am having a hard time detaching and applying the 180 again. I just cannot figure out if he is sincere about wanting to end the affair but it truly is an addiction and with them working together makes it impossible or if he just wants to be a cake eater and has no idea what he intends to do? While I know what matters most is what I want, part of me still loves him (for some strange reason after all he has done) and am so confused by this insane situation.

I know this is very long and I am sorry, but thank you for reading.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop engaing with him. Period.
And stop blaming OW.
Proceed with D.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You need to remove yourself from this situation ASAP. Fast track the D if possible. Separate finances. Stay away from him as much as possible until you find new arrangements.

If you're even considering R with this guy you're making the biggest mistake of your life. This is not salvageable.

This OW sounds dangerous. Please watch your back.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He's "played" at breaking up with her. And he's "played" at being/not being your husband. 

If she's threatening or harassing you via email why not have a TRO imposed on her sorry ass. If there was a way to get one imposed on your "husband in name only" I'd go for that too. 

Whatever happens don't (DO NOT) have a baby with this guy. He is unstable as far as relationships go. Get him out of your life and keep him out of your life. Block his number on your phone.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

---------ditto---------


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Sorry to say but you need to get away from this horrible man. sorry you wasted so much of your life with this guy. But if he can be manipulated that easy, how easy it going to be for it to happen to him again 5 yrs, 10yr even longer down the road. You gave him his chances and he keeps just throwing it back in you face. I understand it has to be hard but you really need to somehow try to wake up yourself. Though he was a good guy maybe when you married him but he is not anymore.... Im so sorry what you have gone through an endured all this. you said you are a lawyer and it sounds like you have still kept your wits about you even going this this torture. You will have no problem finding someone new and finding someone who deserved YOU. You WH does not any more. You need to really save yourself here..


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

You are a strong, capable woman! You deserve better. It's time to move on from this and start another new and better chapter of your life. He has made a grave mistake that has hurt you very deeply and destroyed your trust. He does not seem to be able to make a decision about what he wants but YOU certainly can!


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

I actually started sweating a little bit as I read this.

You need to get out and get out fast. Neither your husband or the OW are mentally stable. You need to divorce, split the properties/assets, and move on with your life. Let those two burn each other out -- but remove yourself from the picture.

As a side thought -- she seems obsessed with you. Perhaps get a restraining order against the two of them? Make it to where they will go to jail if they violate it. Chances are she *will* and it could go a long way in getting her craziness out of your hair.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

I totally agree, watch your back when it comes to the OW. Be careful.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Oh my god...this is about as addictive an extramarital affair can get. If you take a step back and really look what is going on between the two of them, it has got to implode. Your H and the OW are no longer in love, they are obsessed, and fighting too much to ever settle down and be happy. (It's like War of the Roses).

In general, I'm all for R, but you have given him too many chances. I'd give him up. Based on the storyline you provided, I can not imagine that he would ever be happy with her. She is so controling (1000's of texts), and seriously both of them probably need more than MC, but serious psychiatric counseling.

You sound amazing and a good person..but how much do you need to endure? Move on if you can!

Seems like you live in a no-fault state. So do I (NJ). It sucks, because you did nothing wrong except be supportive.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

Just a thought, this unstable OW has made you a big part of the affair because the drama you bring keeps it all going. I don't know how to explain what I mean exactly, but you are an integral part of his whole picture for your H and his OW. Without you, this affair will burn out quickly, BUT, your H and the OW are toxic with or without each other.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

> H has tried to end affair 4 times now, but keeps going back.


You've done spectacularly well so far.

For your own sake, detach and move on.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

TRO her butt make your husband leave. He has made his choice over and over again. You are and always will be his doormat. So far you have been awesome the serving the boss, ow, and WH all at the same time. Just awesome kudos, bravo.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

MG - Wow. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I can just imagine you wonder what the hell just happened! Having said that, I agree with the posts above about your personal safety. A few observations:
1. It seems so obvious to an objective, outside person that you should continue with D, but you seem to have doubts. I wonder if that is because H and OW are both taking you along on their emotional roller coaster ride. As best you can, put on your blinders and proceed. Easier said than done.
2. If H is serious, can't he block her calls/texts or get a new phone number? She may track it down given they work together, but it seems like he's not doing all he can to avoid her.
3. Take care of yourself. A MC is focused on the marriage. You may need another source of support strictly focused on you and the pain/stress that you are enduring. Sometimes friends and family are not enough.
4. How much of H's actions are related to his addictive personality? I'm not suggesting an excuse for him, but I think it may also provide some perspective on how you move forward. Regardless of what he wants, how much he tells you he wants R, he may have to hit rock bottom (losing you) to get his act together. Having said that, don't let the "in sickness and in health" trap you in the marriage if he is not willing to change.

Finally, I had not heard the term bunny boiler. Had to Google it....gave me a chuckle....

Best to you.
Busy


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Wow, your story reads like a horror movie script. I am so sorry that your H betrayed you so many times. The best piece of advice is to get out of this sham of a marriage and get yourself some IC. You husband and the OW are certifiably crazy and belong together. Consider this a blessing that you do not have children with such a person and better days will lie ahead. So sad and troubling that you have had to endure this. God speed!!


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

He's "tried" to leave her 4 times?? No way. Don't believe him. He wants BOTH of you. One day in the bed with you and the next with her? I think he also did false R with you (when you did MC etc). I don't think he'll change either.

Divorce 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Thank you all so much. This is a insane way to live and I have always hated drama!

He is still financially paying for all household bills (after he gave me trouble in December), but it is very hard living in the same house and he will not move out. OW wants him to move in with her but he has refused, so he has told me. And apparently OW has done similar things with other MM before and has quite the reputation. 

Unfortunately as crazy as OW's texts messages are, she has not been sending them directly to me so I really cannot get a TRO against her. She did send my H a text on Monday stating " I am going to kill u", but H ignored it.

Both H & OW are acting insane. Apparently they keep denying they are having an affair at work, but everyone knows, they just keep lying and think everyone believes them. Co-workers of theirs have informed me of their delusional beliefs. My H also is still wearing his wedding ring to keep up the facade. H was also up for a promotion, but due to his recent behaviors (which he is still denying to his work) it appears he may not get it. He really threw everything we had worked for and built away. 

In December, my H wanted to get the divorce over with quickly, but now he seems to want to drag it out/says he does not want to divorce. H has not provided his financial statement as requested by my attorney, so now that complicates things. H has also violated the financial restraining order imposed on both of us per the pending divorce on 2 separate occasions, by refinancing rental property and taking money without my permission. H also refuses to put the marital home up for sale and refuses to buy me out, so I will have to get a court order for this. H is just making this process unnecessarily complicated and H even has his lawyer believing all his lies. H just believes he is above it all, I believe he may be a narcissist.

I really need to detach, it is just so hard. But I have no choice now. I just do not understand how anyone could carry on like this and still claim they do not want a divorce (when months ago they did) and talk about future vacations, home improvements etc. It is just beyond me.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You seem to be handling all very well considering the turmoil and drama involved - all the ups/downs/ and turnarounds. 

Keeping on with your plan -legal wise. Take good care of your health (both physically and mentally) and be very thankful there is no child in this sorry mess. My heart goes out the the unfortunate child in the OW's life. She's grooming him to be your future client (if you practice criminal law).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you sue their employer for permitting the affair?

Stop bring with this horrible evil person. He's taking you down with him. Cut him loose and do what you legal can to destroy their fantasy.

Take away his job and she will move on to the next looser.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Some people deserve to be annihilated. Your husband and this women are two of them. 

I'm sorry you're here. Please leave him and never look back. Please find someone you deserve.

For the love of Christ please.


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## Cinderloo (Mar 21, 2013)

There is nothing to save, divorce him.


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## foolme2x (Jan 1, 2013)

Run! As fast as you can. And after the divorce, never look back. 

There is a drama-free relationship with a nice man waiting somewhere out there for you. Your husband and his OW are insane and you are not. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I feel a little light headed just reading that, also a little selfish even feeling like I've got a problem. 

My hat goes off to you, divorce and leave him. He needs to face real life and you need a real husband.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Just wanted to again say thank you for all the wonderful advice. This forum has been my safe place and greatest resource since November. Also wanted to give an update on my situation.

Well since I last posted, my H began IC (went once, going again this week) and allegedly at this session they discussed that he should not go back to his affair and that the counselor told him that our marital issues/his affair were not that surprising considering we had a miscarriage, 2 significant deaths and fertility issues. I do not believe any legitimate counselor would say all of this and H seems to think these tragedies justify his affair (at least that is how I see it). Oh and H told me that his counselor stated that if we had had a baby, H would never have cheated! It just gets more ridiculous. So now H has decided we should have a baby (this will not be happening!!), bc it would fix all of our problems and get OW out of our lives for good (he even asks me about my cycle now - of course he had no interest when we were actually trying to conceive). 

H is supposedly still not seeing the OW (yeah right I do not believe him), OW is still texting all kinds of hateful things to him (mainly about me and honestly her thoughts are evil, I cannot even imagine thinking let alone saying/texting such things). Examples of these almost comical yet diabolical messages include "why can't I get my own man", "just bc they are not officially married, doesn't mean she is not entitled to him", "they are family now", " I am not his wife anymore", "he doesn't love me, he loves her", criticizing my appearance, telling him to ask his mom bc she knows his mother would tell him to choose her (not true, my inlaws have been very supportive of me and my MIL thought this comment was crazy), she still refers to me as the "C**t" and that I have no right ruining the most beautiful thing she has ever had, oh and the latest is she threatened my H that she was signing up for online dating. OW has allegedly been making scenes at his work (they r co-workers), threatened to tell their boss that H promised to leave me and be with her forever and take care of her etc. Oh and she allegedly filed for D from her H, but then brought blank divorce papers into a sales meeting and announced in front of people that she would not be needing them anymore (but now she says she filed again - who knows they are so dramatic). It just goes on and if this was not my life, it would be hilarious to witness. I have become the perpetrator in their sick love triangle, to which I have told my H, I want no part of, however he keeps blabbing this info to me ( I know I should not listen, it is so hard to detach). 

We have attended MC 2 more times, as I wanted to use MC counseling to create a plan to have a separation in the house and try to get some honesty, but I think the MC is not very effective, as the counselor seems to coddle my H (its bizarre). Counselor says things such even if H wants to reconcile that he cannot just turn his feelings off for OW or jump back into our relationship etc., etc. To which I have responded that even if I considered R, these thoughts are unacceptable to me, he would be either in or he is out - no moping etc. MC does not seem to appreciate nor does my H that I want to take the hard line here.

It is obvious H is playing at breaking up with her (someone used that phrase in response to my previous post and I liked it), as he refuses to block her number bc she will embarrass him at work about it (sounds like she may but still he should not have behaved in a way to embarrass himself), has not really aggressively looked for another job (has updated his resume), but I really believe they are in contact more than I know. I still believe they are either together (with her texts meant to upset me) or he will go back to her in a matter of minutes, days or hours (I mean they are soulmates -Ughhh hate that word). 

As for my divorce proceedings, H says he will not divorce me still, and if I really want a divorce he will give me 20% of everything (how generous), I told him I would take a chance with a judge. 

H thinks he is trying to R bc he arranged for us to meet at the restaurant/bar where we first met (I left after it became clear he was wanting to rugsweep everything) and bc he is telling people we are getting back together. We are also both in a wedding this summer (as an usher and bridesmaid), so that may be interesting. 

H also seems preoccupied that I was dating after I served divorce papers ( I was not), has told me that I was spotted, that I went on more than a dozen dates and people told him I was dating. None of this is true, but I am assuming he says it bc then he thinks that my conduct is equal to his (give me a break). I have met some nice guys (one in particular), when I have been out, but I am in no way ready to date anyone (it would not be fair to them or me), so hopefully when I am ready I can meet a nice man who will be loyal, honest and appreciate me. Also I do have guy friends, who have continuously told me not to take him back bc he thinks I am his doormat, etc. I am lonely though and upset that at 33 I may never have the family I always wanted. 

So the drama has not stopped, I need to detach further but we will have to continue living in the same house, until H agrees to sell, buys me out or the house is ordered sold by the court. I have been seeing my own IC since November but do not know if it is really helping and am thinking I need anti-anxiety meds perhaps, as the days just seem to get worse and my anxiety is through the roof. 

It is still so sad to me that this has all happened, wish I could get to the anger stage or better yet indifference. It just seems that everywhere I go something reminds me of all our time together (the good times) and I also wish I did not love him so much, but I guess you have to go through hell to get to heaven sometimes (a lot easier said than done). I just wish H had listened and reformed when I caught the EA (or maybe been a loyal H), as well as that I could actually believe he was remorseful (H keeps saying he does not want to be with OW regardless of what happens with us). 

So while everyday is something new, I need to start thinking of me. I think that is the gist. Sorry I am so long-winded. 

Again thank you for all your words of wisdom.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Sweetie, your husband is insane. I'm so sorry.

Can you get a formal separation order? Would it be possible for you to move in with friends or family just until your divorce goes through? There is no way you should be sharing a house with this guy. In a situation like yours, I would recommend Dr. Harley's (see Marriage Builders) Plan B - a complete NC separation from the WS with necessary communications going through an intermediary. For your own physical, emotional and mental health, you need to get far, far, away from your husband. I know the standard advice is to not leave the marital home, but I'm not entirely sure it's safe for you to be living with your husband right now. He seems unbalanced. And he's obviously unwilling to protect you from his, equally obviously, _insane_ OW.

How fast can you force the divorce through?


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I agree with Rowan. You need to go NC with him. Tell him you're glad he found his "soulmate" and hope he finds happiness with her. You need to take a hard line. IMO, it's your only hope, but I can't for the life of me understand why you still want to be his wife.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

This other woman is completely nuts! They deserve each other. These two are not in a fog, they are in a monsoon!!

It will take time and you will be fine. You will eventually find someone loyal and honest. He offered you a booby prize of 20% for his royal screw-up? No way! You should be entitled to 50% for his infidelity. An experienced attorney will know what the outcome will be.

p.s. Find a different marriage counselor or just a counselor for yourself. I'm not sure he can be helped at this point.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

i would have to agree with everyone here and say leave quickly. Hell, RUN away!!!

The length at which this man is willing to play games is astounding!!! Quickly inform your lawyer that you fear for your safety and ask for advise on how to best protect yourself and your own assets. I'm no lawyer but refusing to live in a house with a man who: 
1) is having an A 
2) having an A with a bunny boiler
3) is sending hurtful texts to him about you (as well as to him...she said she was going to kill him....WTF!!!)

..should not affect your "ownership" with that property as long as your name is on the mortgage as being 50% responsible for paying. Sometimes your sanity and safety is more important than money and property. 

Please seperate yourself from this "hot mess" of drama and free yourself to find something better. (at this point almost anyone is better than him) 

My best to you and your life. You deserve peace.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

I don't like to advise anyone on what they should do, because I'm not in their shoes. But if I was in your situation, I would have divorced him long ago. For some, it isn't that simple and I understand. Was he showing you the texts he was receiving from the OW? You know quite a bit of what was said through their texts.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And of curse he's lying about the IC. He's a patological lier.
Please don't buy anuthing. Hard 180. Skip the MC, it's absurd.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

And i thought my life was one big drama???? You madam have outdone me. Hmmm you are a lawyer and yo letting yourself get dragged into this mess?? You are far more important and dignified for that. Am 38. No longer living with my nutter of a husband. I got three children and am believing God for a proper marriage again. Am telling you the only person locking themselves in this mess is yourself. Get out of it and yo h will respect u. I had no idea even highly educated men behaved this way. I thot it was only reserved for low life jerks. What a life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I have read a lot of stories on TAM but nothing like this.

Please get away from him. And take care of yourself.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

She threatend to kill him. That is recognized as terroist behavior. He should file charges if hes sincere about you, and she wont be able to go to work without breaking restraining order.

She seriously sounds crazy, and ive dealt with lots of crazy throughout my life. She will kill you before your husband. I would take her threats very seriously. Take your husbands phone from him and take it to the police station. She made a terorist threat. She could be on the next episode of snapped with you as the story. Get a security system asap. 

I dont get why he wont leave, but keeps acceptin her texts? Thats really weird. Why does he care about her feelings if hes picking you? Does he you have a life insurance policy on you?

Show up at his work and maybe she will dig her own grave znd get fired.

Seriously i have a really bad/ weird feeling how this is playing out. It is dangerous for real. I think you should leave tell no one where you are for a month and see what happens.

If your going to stay, everynight when husband is asleep, dunk his phone in toilet t(after downloading all info). It will be hard to text when he has to get a new phone everyday

Sorry my post is so scatteterd, but it made me have anxiety, my heart goes out to you. You need to get out of the nuthouse!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The two of them thrive on their sick drama and have you sucked into their vortex.

Why can't you move?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

well, the way you tell it..... these people(H & OW) are f*cking insane. 

why do you keep putting up with all this drama? you say you've been here since November with the drama increasing at every turn, yet you're still stuck in the same rut.

these people are toxic to your well-being..... get rid of them! your husband is a weak-minded fool who isn't capable of making an honest decision to save his life.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Ok, I am going to try to respond to everyone's questions, not necessarily in the correct order (so if it is confusing, I apologize in advance).

- I have repeatedly told him if he loves OW and they are soulmates that he should be with her, as far be it from me to get in the way of true love (haha). I have been saying this since before I served D papers. I thought it was effective months ago, but it seems when she wanted him to move in with her, he balked and wanted to come home (not faithfully and committed but he was not ready to commit to her maybe).

-I cannot push the D through any faster b/c he won't cooperate nor will he be reasonable, so it will take some time. In December he wanted a quickie divorce (told me this and his attorney). I agreed and said give me 60% of the assets and 6 years of alimony (this is the max I can ask for under the law), but he would not agree and his counter offer was insulting basically, told me to take half the money in the bank and go. So no quickie divorce. I guess even OW encouraged him to give me what I wanted but he wouldn't, she even offered to pay his legal fees and help him pay my alimony (probably should have worked out my D details with her - LOL).

- as for why I have not moved out. Initially my attorney advised me not to, as H was paying all the bills etc., and I do not have any family in the area I can stay with. We also have dogs and a cat so that complicates me staying with friends, who all have their own lives going on. When I served D papers, our in house separation was working out ok, as we have a large home, were never really home at the same time (he was spending most nights with her) and we barely spoke at all for 8 weeks. We only started speaking again when he decided to play his R games and after weeks of this I began to soften (stupid me but at first I thought he may have been sincere, as I had exposed affair, filed for D and embraced the 180). Their craziness really amped up after each time ( 2 times that I am aware of, supposedly it was really 4 times) he allegedly "broke it off with her".

- On several occasions, I asked him to move out, to go live with her or his family, I even offered to help him pack and said I would drop his stuff off at her apartment ( even bought moving supplies and OW begged him to move in with her), but each time he refused saying "he would never leave his house". So I really tried to get him out, but he would never go. I do not do anything for him like laundry, dry cleaning, cooking etc., anymore, he just "loves his house and will never move". We will need a court order to sell the house bc he refuses to put it on the market or even buy me out. I always thought he would leave to move in with her or try to get me out to move her in to our house, but I do not think that was his plan. 

So unfortunately this will not be an amicable divorce and he will probably attempt to spend all our money on attorney's fees just so I do not get any money in the end, as he plans to just rebuild his financial status after divorce ( this is a lot easier for him than me considering the differences in our income). H also says he is opposed to divorce bc he feels bad and does not want to see me live in an apartment and drive an inexpensive vehicle and see my lifestyle suffer (seriously, he is unbelievable and he says that means he loves me - give me a break).

- As for him showing me the texts, yes he has shown me these texts, as it was part of his complete transparency and pledge to tell me anytime there was contact between them, all of this was per the MC and my H supposedly reading about ending his affair on the internet. He then deletes the texts, which is so stupid considering he is her boss and the texts may be useful to him someday, but oh well. I have not read any in a while, as I have told him I am not interested and am out of their little drama. 

- All of OW's crazy texts, including " I just want to kill u", do not seem to faze H. She has not threatened or even contacted me, I do not think at this point she will. It is odd that H is not disgusted and embarrassed, that he got involved with a person who could act like this (but then again he is far from the paragon of virtue), bc to any sane person this is so not normal. H just seems to ignore OW's rambling texts, as H has always ignored unpleasant things hoping they will go away. H just seems to really want OW to go back to her H and kid (he apparently told her to do this), bc she has told him and he feels responsible for ruining her home and forcing her to leave her H. Who knows neither of these 2 are playing with a full deck of cards here. 

- yes they are both insane. H always had a good reputation and was a successful and respected man who hated drama, so this situation is almost surreal. Apparently OW has always been crazy according to their coworkers (she was called "psycho") - I was told this pre-affair. 

So I just need to push D, detach further and move on. Still unbelievable to me that this is my life and this is my H. But it is, just wish I could get to the anger stage or better yet indifference. Oh well only time will heal this wound. Thanks for all your great advice and support.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

This would be a good time to lose big at a casino... or spend more on groceries each week... whatever builds the nest egg...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds to me like your H is dysfunctionally caught in a seriously damaging relationship that he simply can't emotionally break from - for no other reason than he is weak and selfish. He knows all of this about himself and he knows how massively destructive his A is. He knows inside that he's headed for epic life failure with this and you are his lifeline. He's holding onto you for dear life, in my opinion, trying to get you to pull him out. He's dragging you under with him, however, and you didn't get married to act as his savior when he betrays you so truly horribly.

I hear what you are saying about your house, but still do not understand why you can't move into your own place. If you want some sanity and a healthier future, you need to get away from him and stop being his life preserver.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

alte Dame,

Yes I think he may realize this is just a disaster bc he has said things like " I made a mess, I need you to help me fix this", "this was not supposed to happen, you were right about the inappropriate texts over the summer and now this is a disaster". Basically, he wants me to clean up this whole mess for him ( I stupidly am an enabler and have cleaned up his messes for years (not cheating)) and he has never had to solve a problem on his own in 13 years. 

He also was passed over for a huge promotion at work (which we had been hoping for, for over 3 years and he had been told for years was going to be his), so I wonder if his conduct had anything to do with it, doubt it as he works with the "old boys club" type men. 

He is selfish and weak, even his parents say that he is so easily influenced by anyone he is with. It is like he has situational morals, so he conforms to whomever he was with, which is why his family thought he was so wonderful over the past decade plus with me. 

Also as to moving out, one problem is money at the present bc if either of us goes, we are still responsible for 50% of a very large mortgage every month and other large expenses we are both responsible for. Trust me if I had a friend I could stay with even a few nights a week it would be heaven.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you still have love for him and I empathize and sympathize. The heart wants what it wants. I get it. But the heart doesn't always do us proud when it comes to our self-respect or our prospects for a healthy, happy future.

Your H is *demanding* that you allow him to cake eat & you are enabling that because you really don't want him to go. This will slowly, slowly completely break your heart and spirit.

If you can't leave the house for financial reasons, I urge you to find a way to wall yourself off from him - either with your schedule or in the actual rooms that you live in. He needs to grow up and stop relying on his W to mommy him out of his extremely bad behavior.

(And keep moving forward with the D.)


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Indifference is your friend here. Hopefully it will come to visit and stay with you. Such a bizarre, sad story.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Thanks doubletrouble. I am so desperate to get to indifference and I am little by little, but it is not easy.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Just thought I would update.

Well in the last 6 months, life has turned for the better. Not initially, but I am now in a much better place and despite many ups and downs, am starting to live life again without my STBEX. I also wanted to say that everyone’s assessment of my WH and his affair was correct and I wish I had listened sooner; it would have saved me months of pain. 

Since my last post, I made many "stupid" decisions, including attempting R with my WH. Throughout the months of March to May, my WH attempted to prove that his affair was over and despite his not meeting all of the boundaries I requested, we were attempting to R. He was home every night and would allow me to check his phone, but I was so unhappy and suspicious all the time. I was consumed with fear and suspicion that my life was even less enjoyable than before. I would be filled with fear and worry all day when he was at work and would not even begin to relax until he came home (WH works with OW). The crazy texts from OW kept coming. These texts were psychotic and allegedly WH never responded but I began to find more and more evidence that this was a lie; basically he would just delete his replies. By the end of May, she threatened to commit suicide if he did not come back to her and just continued to go off the rails. And the worst part was he would ask for my advice as to how to handle all this. He still refused to block her number bc he did not want her embarrassing him at work, still wore his wedding band and was still gaslighting me all the time. Thinking back I cannot believe how stupid I was, I knew he was lying and gaslighting me, but I was so desperate to get my “old pre-affair life back”, that it was almost as if I accepted his lies and any explanation he offered just so I would not rock the boat. But I was becoming more and more defeated and depressed every day. We still were in MC (which was a waste of time) and he was in IC (which was an even bigger waste of his time, bc he would only stay for 30 mins and then in June told me the IC discharged him bc he was “cured”). OMG, it was just a circus. The stories and things he told me, people would not and do not believe. I know so much about his affair that I cannot even imagine what else there is to know. I honestly have a hard time even remembering some of the crazy stuff now because it just seems like it was a life time ago. 
We then went to NYC in the beginning of June, as I accompanied him on a business trip and our time together was not good. I was suspicious the whole time, she kept texting insane things about me and we had no sex life, as my husband was having issues (he developed a chaffing type rash on his “area” and it hurt him if it was touched………..hahaha). As well as my WH seemed to have no desire for me at all. Then a week after we came back from NYC, we left for a Mexican vacation that he planned to get us back on track………..BIG MISTAKE. 

The first 2 days in Mexico were great, it seemed like we were back to our old selves and had lots of fun, he even purchased time share in both of our names. However by the 3rd day, he was completely withdrawn and wanted to just sleep and lie by the pool. This was not my WH before, he never even liked beach vacations bc he always wants to be active. So I began noticing more and more that he was withdrawing and it became apparent that it was because he missed her. See he did not have his phone in Mexico, so he could not even text with her. I tried to dance around him and plan activities he would like, but he was not interested. He just wanted to sit by the pool and/or lie in the room watching TV. And of course we hardly had any physical relationship and that took such a toll on my self esteem, it was so bad that my WH was not attracted to me bc pre-affair we never had any issues like this at all. So as the trip progressed, I became increasingly upset and agitated and my WH began talking differently, acting like he was back in the “Affair Fog” and I knew what was happening. I was so upset that I remember thinking how wonderful it would be if we could just stay in Mexico bc then everything would be ok. God, I was so desperate and unhealthy. Well on the morning we were flying home, I said something like he seemed to be “on the fence again” and he responded no I am not on the fence anymore. By the time we got to the US for a layover, I had called my lawyer to speed things up and my WH looked at me and said he was “so sorry but he did not love me, did not want to be married to me and really wanted to have children but just not with me and had never wanted any kids with me”. All of this on an escalator at the Houston Airport! He then proceeded to disappear for the layover, but I stumbled upon him on the phone with her. We then had to fly back to the East Coast and I cried sitting next to him the whole flight back in first class (this was the first time I ever flew first class and I did not even get to enjoy it…Lol). We arrived home, he moved out to the guest room and at 1130pm, packed some clothes and left to see her, leaving me standing in the kitchen. I was paralyzed and did not speak with him for 2 weeks.

Also it turns out that when we were in Mexico, his OW called my office hysterical asking where I was, was I on vacation in Mexico etc (fortunately my assistant knows what has occurred so she was prepared to deal with this), had other people call my office looking for me and a suspicious vehicle was observed in my driveway and I think she may have been in my home but cannot prove it. I informed WH of this and he wasn’t surprised at all, just asked if anything was stolen! This was around mid-June and I was a mess (again).

Well with the help of my mother, WH’s family (who has completely supported me and cannot believe WH is such a liar) and very, very good friends, I remember waking up on the morning of July 1 and I was happy. I had reached indifference to WH, a feeling I desperately wanted for so long. While I was scared about what was ahead of me, I knew it had to be better than the life with WH. I was happy and loving life. I had a great and busy summer. I was even in my WH’s sister’s wedding (so was WH) in July and had a great time. OF course it helped that WH did not speak to anyone at the wedding and everyone kept telling me how divorce agrees with me and how awful he looked. Also at this point WH was living with OW every night except Saturdays and I just stayed away from him when he was in the house.

Karma started kicking in for him in August, when he began calling me crying that he hated his life and needed to get away from her etc, etc. The same story we heard in the Winter/Spring, except this time I was not buying it and I was happy. WH and OW were fighting all the time, he was staying out all night on her and she was calling him crying OW still has not filed for divorce (she wants WH to fill out the D papers for her), WH was not happy that she rearranged her work schedule to be identical to his and he did not like playing step-dad to her 8 year old son. He never had a free moment and apparently he was so miserable he was out drinking (he has a drinking problem, always has) and doing god knows what else 6 nights a week (without her). Oh and he kept begging me to come back and now he wanted sex from me (did not happen), I do think he is/was cheating on her already. He then started staying at our home more, sleeping in my bed, etc., I tried to stay out of the home whenever he was there, but unfortunately that was not always possible. He then kept begging me not to divorce him and wanted to make the marriage work etc. I did not buy any of his lines this time and I know he just does not want to divorce me bc he does not want to really commit to her, bc as he has said he cannot be with her, look at what she did to her husband and child. Hahaha. However he did just get back from an international vacation with her (which he denies but I have proof and do not care), however its so funny that he "loves me so much and wants to get back together" but takes a vacation to the Far East with his OW over the anniversary of my father's death, our wedding anniversary and he missed a family funeral. He is crazy. He then proceeded to buy me flowers and an anniversary card when he returned home. However, I am proceeding with D and would like it done asap.

As for me, I never realized how many great friends I had, how much I am loved and so very lucky. Honestly without my family, friends and this site, I do not know how I would have survived. Even my in-laws support me, they have not met OW bc WH won’t introduce her, he continues to lie to them and my mother-in-law is so upset at her son and has informed me she will never accept this relationship. My sister in law and I are closer than ever, I am the one who babysits her daughter and I am the one who has a relationship with his family. He will not even talk to them and has told me he has to give them up because he has lied to them so much. 

Anyway, I had a very great summer; I have dated even though I did not plan to so soon. However due to all the emotional abuse and turmoil I lived with I was not ready and unfortunately bc of my trust issues I pushed away a nice man bc I could not trust anything he said or did, even though he was completely trust worthy. I do feel awful that I hurt someone, but I had thought I was ready to date and it was not until things started to slowly progress, and my WH appeared again & started bothering me with more of his lies and deceit that my trust issues started to appear. I actually had not realized how emotionally damaged I was from my years with WH. I guess it is a lesson learned, but I just wish I did not hurt anyone else’s feelings in the process. 

Anyways sorry for such a long update and I just wanted to say thank you again the advice and support everyone has offered here has been so wonderful.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Wow, I've just read through your thread. A lot has happened in the amount of time since you started this thread. I'm glad that you're away from him, living a better life, and taking care of yourself.

May peace be with you always!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I totally agree with everything everyone has said already. OW is unstable and your WH is weak, at best, but not innocent, he participated willingly and did not support you or honor you in any way shape or form.
No one who has carried on like this for so long, so many times, deserves any more of your time. You know what you need to do. You do not need him. What you need is a stable, sane, productive life and your WH is just wasting your time.
Proceed with the D and be happy this craziness is done.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The biggest, dirtiest red flag I have ever seen on TAM?

*The fact that he had such an evil lack of respect for you, your family and your late father that he couldn't even be bothered to turn his phone off during the funeral.*

You deserve so much better than this.

Glad you are divorcing him.

Are you having IC? If not, I think it might help.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WH is a complete train wreck. If he ever regains some equilibrium, he will regret hugely what he has done to you, but by then you will be vacationing (happily this time) in Mexico, post-divorce and basking in a return to sanity.

I wish you well. You are doing the right thing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Your WH is a complete train wreck. If he ever regains some equilibrium, he will regret hugely what he has done to you


Don't get surprised if you see him at the newspapers very soon. They both seem so volatile.


Glad to hear you are finnaly moving on from insanity.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)




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