# Did my Wife cheat?



## Weaselcat (21 d ago)

Recently my wife confessed that she had been tempted to cheat some time before and I followed it up with plenty of questions which she really didn't want to answer. I asked if it was someone at work to which she said no. Eventually she admitted it was someone at work and it was when we were going through a difficult patch. She said he would spend time alone with her at work and flirt and made her feel like a woman. She said that nothing happened and that she let him down gently but the fact that she lied about it and made me work really hard to get any details makes me think that there is more to the story than she is telling me.
Do you think she cheated?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Yes. Look up the term "trickle truth".


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

I agree with Numb26. She cheated by withholding and lying about it. Dump the witch.


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## Weaselcat (21 d ago)

Numb26 said:


> Yes. Look up the term "trickle truth".


She said that he was no longer on the scene but wouldn't give me his name, also that he had a girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care about her which I thought was strange. 
Can you be sure that she cheated and slept with him?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Weaselcat said:


> Recently my wife confessed that she had been tempted to cheat some time before and I followed it up with plenty of questions which she really didn't want to answer. I asked if it was someone at work to which she said no. Eventually she admitted it was someone at work and it was when we were going through a difficult patch. She said he would spend time alone with her at work and flirt and made her feel like a woman. She said that nothing happened and that she let him down gently but the fact that she lied about it and made me work really hard to get any details makes me think that there is more to the story than she is telling me.
> Do you think she cheated?


999/1000 stories on here that start with what you described as your wife’s “story”…..
Yeah, she totally cheated.
The only person that she “let down gently” was you when she lied and said she didn’t get physical with him. They were like rabbits until he ditched her and she went back to plan b, AKA You.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Weaselcat said:


> She said that he was no longer on the scene but wouldn't give me his name, also that he had a girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care about her which I thought was strange.
> Can you be sure that she cheated and slept with him?


Don't you think it's stranger that she wouldn't tell you his name? Almost like he was protecting him while hurting you?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Weaselcat said:


> She said that he was no longer on the scene but wouldn't give me his name, also that he had a girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care about her which I thought was strange.
> Can you be sure that she cheated and slept with him?


I’ll take a bit softer approach... Maybe she cheated with him physically, maybe she didn't.

But the signs are not good.

If she is protecting him... red flag
If she trickle truthed you...red flag

He was a co-worker, so you can't easily verify start/stop of the affair. You only know what she tells you. Red flag.

How do you know he is not still on the scene? Oh yea, your lying cheating wife told you so.

Did she have sex with him? Who knows.

But every other sign points to at least an emotional affair with a man she is now protecting and hiding from you. In my view, that is grounds to assume the worst.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Yes, it’s very likely this went further than she will admit, at least right now. She told you this because she feels guilty, which means there was likely something physical to feel guilty about, more than him just being a good listener at work.

Do not rug sweep this. Do not accept that she will not tell you who it is. Insist that she tell you, or there needs to be a consequence. Do her parents live nearby? Tell her she comes clean or she needs to move out for a while. Pack her bag and take her to her parents. If she won’t go, then tell her you will call them, explain the situation and ask them to come get her. 

Do you have an open device policy? Get her phone tonight while she is sleeping and go through it. Same for any laptop or tablet she uses. When a spouse gives you good reason to think that they are cheating then all expectation of privacy (if there is one in your marriage) goes out the door and you can do all the investigation you need to do.

I would also consider hiding a VAR under the seat in her car, and in another room in the house where she might talk on the phone when you are not around. Seriously OP, it’s time to switch into investigative mode. Good luck.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Weaselcat said:


> She said that he was no longer on the scene but wouldn't give me his name, also that he had a girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care about her which I thought was strange.
> Can you be sure that she cheated and slept with him?


OP, seriously do not accept this. Ask her what she wants to do — does she want to divorce? If she says no, then tell her you cannot move forward unless she is 100% truthful with you, and that includes the other man’s name. If she won’t give it to you tell her you can’t move forward with her right now and she needs to move out until she decides what she wants. It’s either you and your marriage, with 100% transparency and trust, or it’s D. Stick to your guns and mean it.

She DOES NOT get to protect him. End of story.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Last thing for now — you can pick this up on Monday, you don’t need to have it out with her tonight or tomorrow and mess up Christmas, if you don’t want to. That will also give you some time to check out her device, laptop, etc. as I described above. Or you can do it now, up to you. Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Weaselcat said:


> Recently my wife confessed that she had been tempted to cheat some time before


Ask her for a written and detailed timeline. Dates, times, places. Tell her in advance you are considering having her take a polygraph to confirm what is in the timeline.

Why did she 'confess'? Were you having some sort of disagreement? Why was she 'tempted.?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Right now only she knows if it went beyond emotionally cheating. Many times the wayward will admit to something small like kissing someone, to help alleviate their guilt. or cover their tracks when they think someone else might spill the beans. Often the "kiss" ends up being a full fledged affair. You are right to be concerned. Others have pointed out the major red flags. About the time when this happened did your sex life change, did she treat you differently, did her phone habits change, and did she do things to improve her appearance?


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## Weaselcat (21 d ago)

QuietGuy said:


> Right now only she knows if it went beyond emotionally cheating. Many times the wayward will admit to something small like kissing someone, to help alleviate their guilt. or cover their tracks when they think someone else might spill the beans. Often the "kiss" ends up being a full fledged affair. You are right to be concerned. Others have pointed out the major red flags. About the time when this happened did your sex life change, did she treat you differently, did her phone habits change, and did she do things to improve her appearance?


Sex life wasn't great at the time, we were going through a rough patch. phone habits were the same, but she said contact was entirely at work in person, I noticed she kept nice heels at work I hadn't seen before and had a modest wardrobe update for the new job.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Weaselcat:

Do you hear a train coming? You should - you are being "railroaded" - the infamous Trickle-Truth!

I would quote all the posts on this thread so far posted but these below should get the point across to you.

Ask yourself - 
What if a friend related to you that his wife did what yours has (so far what you know) and how you would think.

What kind of marriage do you have it you do NOT have 100% trust in the spouse?

I suggest you pay a visit to your physician and get tested for every STD known to man. Repeat @ 6 months.
No sex with wife unless you get the POS name and also have YOUR WIFE visit her physician for testing.







BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’ll take a bit softer approach... Maybe she cheated with him physically, maybe she didn't.
> 
> But the signs are not good.
> 
> ...





Exit37 said:


> Yes, it’s very likely this went further than she will admit, at least right now. She told you this because she feels guilty, which means there was likely something physical to feel guilty about, more than him just being a good listener at work.
> 
> Do not rug sweep this. Do not accept that she will not tell you who it is. Insist that she tell you, or there needs to be a consequence. Do her parents live nearby? Tell her she comes clean or she needs to move out for a while. Pack her bag and take her to her parents. If she won’t go, then tell her you will call them, explain the situation and ask them to come get her.
> 
> ...





Exit37 said:


> OP, seriously do not accept this. Ask her what she wants to do — does she want to divorce? If she says no, then tell her you cannot move forward unless she is 100% truthful with you, and that includes the other man’s name. If she won’t give it to you tell her you can’t move forward with her right now and she needs to move out until she decides what she wants. It’s either you and your marriage, with 100% transparency and trust, or it’s D. Stick to your guns and mean it.
> 
> She DOES NOT get to protect him. End of story.





Rus47 said:


> Ask her for a written and detailed timeline. Dates, times, places. Tell her in advance you are considering having her take a polygraph to confirm what is in the timeline.
> 
> Why did she 'confess'? Were you having some sort of disagreement? Why was she 'tempted.?



Your wife is conducting herself according to the "cheaters playbook" - the story you relate is sooooo common.


Side comment: People with integrity don't cheat. If they don't want their spouse, they divorce and then go join Plenty-of-Fish. Registration - Plenty of Fish Free Dating - POF.com


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

What prompted her to tell you / confess about almost cheating 🤔 
What's the back story 🤔


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## Weaselcat (21 d ago)

Jimi007 said:


> What prompted her to tell you / confess about almost cheating 🤔
> What's the back story 🤔


We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.

I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Weaselcat said:


> We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.
> 
> I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


Maybe... If you sound like you're into it (her being with someone else)
But mostly it sounds unreliable to me.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

What else did she tell you about the person 🤔 only that it was a co worker ? 

Is he married ? What type of work does she do ?
Do you know any of her Co workers that you could talk to ?

He was obviously pursuing her... Maybe he still is..

You said a rough patch...So rough she would get sex from someone else ?

Yes...I don't know if she cheated , but I would definitely do some sleuthing. Start with the phone and social media.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Weaselcat said:


> *We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.*
> 
> I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


If that`s the case than it appears this is all there is to it, your wife was confessing about a sexual fantasy she had or has about someone.
Seems she admitted having been tempted to cheat considering you were only talking about sexual fantasies like a game.
My verdict is, your wife has not cheated.
But next time if deciding to ask your wife about her sexual fantasies is probably best not to ask and leave well alone.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents;

You asked her in a setting that provided her an opportunity to honestly answer your question. You heard a response you didn't expect or at least not to the degree you expected. Now you are trying to figure out what to do. This is not about whether she "cheated" either EA or PA, this is about what you WANT to do now that you know the answer to your question.

What you probably expected was a "Yes, if George Clooney and I shared adjacent airplane seats, I would........." 

Do you love her? Has she been a good wife? For how long? So what do you want to do or do you want to fixate on finding an answer to "did she cheat?"

If you love her, if you want the marriage to continue, if you feel you could forgive her of an EA, then talk to her. Tell her what your "red line in the sand" boundaries are for marriage. Make sure she understands. Work with a marriage counselor, assuming she understands how horrible her actions were toward your continued marriage and will commit to marriage counseling. Focus on boundaries and what you each want your marriage to look like. Focus on promising each other that when problems come up in the future in your marriage that you will talk to each other and not do things that destroy marriages.

Of course if you aren't sure could forgive her no matter her future commitment to your marriage looks like, then you need to contemplate and explore divorce. I am very pro marriage. An EA is horrible and yet we are all flawed human beings put in a life of temptations. Leading a good like requires us to resist those temptations. The question you need to answer is what are the boundaries you are willing to forgive, what are the actions you need to see from your wife that will allow you to move forward with her in your marriage? You will probably never know the whole truth now that she understands how horrified you are at her actions. Can you live with that?

Good luck to the both of you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Weaselcat said:


> She said that he was no longer on the scene but wouldn't give me his name, also that he had a girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care about her which I thought was strange.
> Can you be sure that she cheated and slept with him?


Cheaters tell only what they have to. Just like your wife has done.

She is protecting her affair partner while destroying your trust in her and your marriage.

Ask to see all messages between them. If she refuses it’s because she hasn’t given you all that happened.

Demand the AP’s name. If she still refuses then you know she cares more for him then your own relationship.

Rule of thumb, you only know the tip of the iceberg of what went on between them.

If she is lying about everything from the start then their is a very good possibility that it was a physical affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Weaselcat said:


> We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.
> 
> I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


You’re wrong thinking this. She will say afterwards that she was just telling you what you wanted to hear to get off on. This is a very bad idea.

Ask for her phone and ask her for their messages. If she deleted them, try to recover them. She will just refuse or go ape **** crazy if you say you’re going to recover them.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Weaselcat said:


> We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.
> 
> I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


 Look, you need to get as much information as you can BEFORE you confront.

This link is about catching ongoing cheating, but the general principles about keeping your mouth shut and getting the info first apply:

Weightlifter's Evidence Post


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Why won't she give you his name? What did she say, or was it just NO I'm not telling you?

She doesn't want you uncovering just how deep this rabbit hole goes.

I hope you uncover more about what the hell went on. Suggestion given above to demand to see her phone is a good one.

If you're not unable to uncover any more details, what are the two of you going to put place in your marriage to prevent this from happening again? Marriage counselling is one idea where you can talk about boundaries needed in your marriage. 

I'd tell her this: you do this sh*t again, just divorce me rather than sneak around like a cheater. If I find out you do this sh*t again, I'm divorcing you. Your wife was waaaaay out of line with this guy. Are you confident now she really wants to be married to you? Or are you just the not too special, boring, annoying husband and she's settling for you?

Sorry this happened to you man.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Based on what you’ve shared we can’t say for sure if she cheated in an actual EA or PA but it’s not a good sign that she didn’t want to disclose his name. That this was said during post sex pillow talk, leads me to believe that it may have just been some slight office flirting with a coworker that she may have fancied.

But like a few have alluded, we have a lot of threads that start off with trickle truth soft confessions. Now, if the time that she was supposedly flirting with OM, coincided with your sex life spiraling down that is not a good sign. She told you he’s no longer in the picture, yet wouldn’t tell you his name? Why would she withhold his name if he’s no longer working with her? Unless, he’s actually still working there. She said she ended things but is that really the truth?

These are issues that come up when a spouse opens up and then is grilled. Now she will never open again for fear of this exact outcome.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

At most, a hug and a kiss.

No, she did not physically cheat, more than that (if that, at all).

Yes, she did entertain the thought.

Had she cheated more than this, she would have never said so.

In my mind, I am 99% certain.

She told you this, for you to up your game. To let you know other men find her desirable.

No, not nice of her!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Tell her what your "red line in the sand" boundaries are for marriage. Make sure she understands.


Is this something both spouses in a marriage don't fully know? Wife and I discussed boundaries when we were dating and talking seriously about wanting to marry one another. For us marriage meant exclusive with one another always, no matter what. If we weren't able to adhere to that at some point in the future we agreed divorce would happen. 

No OSF, no flirting with the opposite sex, etc. No f**king other people didn't really need saying. No dreaming about f**king other people didn't need saying, because this leads to the first. No talking about f**king other people ever. Because that can lead to the previous, which leads to the first. We agreed that we both had a zero tolerance policy regarding these. It was a "one and done" situation.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

She cheated. Whether emotional or physical remains to be seen, but I would be inclined to 98% believe it was physical, and may have gone on for some time. 
If you really want to know, spend a couple hundred bucks to hire a PI and have him tail her to work, see what her habits are during a typical work day or week. 
Also, during this "rough patch", did you notice if her hours coming home or leaving for the office noticeably changed (e.g. came home an hour later than normal here and there, left earlier, etc.)? 
Now that she trickle - truth'd you here, I think it's fair to do some digging.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Weaselcat said:


> Recently my wife confessed that she had been tempted to cheat some time before and I followed it up with plenty of questions which she really didn't want to answer. I asked if it was someone at work to which she said no. Eventually she admitted it was someone at work and it was when we were going through a difficult patch. She said he would spend time alone with her at work and flirt and made her feel like a woman. She said that nothing happened and that she let him down gently but the fact that she lied about it and made me work really hard to get any details makes me think that there is more to the story than she is telling me.
> Do you think she cheated?


Anytime there is uncertainty, keep your mouth shut and investigate clandestinely. You will never get the truth from a cheater voluntarily.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Look, you need to get as much information as you can BEFORE you confront.
> 
> This link is about catching ongoing cheating, but the general principles about keeping your mouth shut and getting the info first apply:
> 
> Weightlifter's Evidence Post


*THIS^^^*

If you give her 2 seconds with her phone AFTER you confront she will delete everything. If you confront her before you have enough evidence for your satisfaction she will take everything underground and make it FAR more difficult for you to find anything you need to keep your sanity.
Protecting the Affair Partner/AP over her husbands peace of mind is downright evil. The heels and clothes at work show she was getting fixed up for him.

I wish you the best moving forward but their is unquestionably more to this than you have been told.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Is this something both spouses in a marriage don't fully know? Wife and I discussed boundaries when we were dating and talking seriously about wanting to marry one another......


You would be surprised at how afraid of discussing sex most people really are.

Should this kind of pre-marriage discussion happen? Absolutely. Look at a lot of the stories on TAM.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> You would be surprised at how afraid of discussing sex most people really are.
> 
> Should this kind of pre-marriage discussion happen? Absolutely. Look at a lot of the stories on TAM.


We were neither one interested in signing up for a lifetime together without playing through a future together to be sure we were on the same
page as much as we could. 

We also didnt want our teenage hormones to be the only reason for staying together. 

We talked about everything. Unfortunately, the thing we didn’t know enough about to discuss intelligently is what almost wrecked us 5 years into marriage.

Finances!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Weaselcat said:


> We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.
> 
> I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


I am not acquainted with this “fantasy” dynamic but evidently a lot of couples use this sort of thing to heat up the passion. Isn’t one principle that there are no barriers in a fantasy? 

You asked your wife IF she had ever been tempted. If she had said no wouldnt that have just ended the fantasy you were pursuing? She answered yes. Then provided enough detail to keep the fantasy going. Isn’t it “against the rules” to have a problem with the answer? What would your answer have been had she asked you the same?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I am not acquainted with this “fantasy” dynamic but evidently a lot of couples use this sort of thing to heat up the passion. Isn’t one principle that there are no barriers in a fantasy?
> 
> You asked your wife IF she had ever been tempted. If she had said no wouldnt that have just ended the fantasy you were pursuing? She answered yes. Then provided enough detail to keep the fantasy going. Isn’t it “against the rules” to have a problem with the answer? What would your answer have been had she asked you the same?


Well, instead of making something up she started telling him about an EA she was having at work, that is supposedly over now because the guy is “out of the picture”…. I don’t think that fits into the fantasy rule you are describing.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Exit37 said:


> Well, instead of making something up she started telling him about an EA she was having at work, that is supposedly over now because the guy is “out of the picture”…. I don’t think that fits into the fantasy rule you are describing.





Weaselcat said:


> Eventually she admitted it was someone at work and it was when we were going through a difficult patch. She said he would spend time alone with her at work and flirt and *made her feel like a woman*.


Weren't they playing a "game" where OP asked her if she had been tempted, whereupon she replied yes. In the "spirit" of the game. He didn't say "pretend you have been tempted and make up a hot story for us".

So then OP started twenty questions, and she lied about who had tempted her. Because she realized she was in the soup. She thought to play along with the "game" and all of a sudden she is up to her neck in alligators. Then acknowledged it was a guy at work who had been kind to her and "made her feel like a woman". She and OP were in a rough spot? Like OP didn't make her feel like a woman then? 

OP didn't ask her to pretend she had been tempted. He asked her if she had been, and she answered truthfully. She could have just lied and said "no, you are the only hunk that ever tempted me". She made a mistake trying to play along with the "game" and now the wheels have come off the wagon.

IMO, I don't see any actual EA here. There was a guy at work flirting with her when she was having problems at home with OP. So yes she was tempted. What made it an "affair"? Listening to the guy BS her when she was unhappy?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Weren't they playing a "game" where OP asked her if she had been tempted, whereupon she replied yes. In the "spirit" of the game. He didn't say "pretend you have been tempted and make up a hot story for us".
> 
> So then OP started twenty questions, and she lied about who had tempted her. Because she realized she was in the soup. She thought to play along with the "game" and all of a sudden she is up to her neck in alligators. Then acknowledged it was a guy at work who had been kind to her and "made her feel like a woman". She and OP were in a rough spot? Like OP didn't make her feel like a woman then?
> 
> ...


I agree with most of this above. She enjoyed the flirting 😏 that doesn't make it an EA. Shes human, She shut it down.. That should say enough. 
He doesn't work with her anymore. 

You should find out if they are still communicating. ? Maybe that's why she won't reveal the name.

Or it could be she's afraid you will beat the F$ck out if him...


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

There was no cheating… if what she told him was true. We have an Eyes Wide Shut situation going on, where all her cheating is happening inside his imagination.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

There's more to the story.

There usually ALWAYS is.

You've only heard the PG version.

This wasn't a 'confession' brought on by remorse and regret. It was said in the heat of passion and now she's back-peddling as hard and quickly as she can and is probably kicking herself for having shared ANY of that with you. There's more to this story - *a lot more*. But you'll likely never hear it. You opened a door the other night - she's going to do her best to keep it closed.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jimi007 said:


> I agree with most of this above. She enjoyed the flirting 😏 that doesn't make it an EA. Shes human, She shut it down.. That should say enough.
> He doesn't work with her anymore.
> 
> You should find out if they are still communicating. ? Maybe that's why she won't reveal the name.
> ...


Causing drama she doesn't want on her job. 

A more productive expenditure would be exploring and unpacking the "rough spot" OP mentioned. In the interest of keeping things smooth going forward.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Jimi007 said:



Shes human, She shut it down..

Click to expand...

*Sure she did. 😒😒😒

That's what they ALL say. Chances are very high she's just another one of the many who lie and pretend they were virtuous when given the opportunity to stray. Don't be surprised if the next 'version' of her story is that they "just kissed - once." After enough badgering and/or in the face of further evidence, it will suddenly become that they "kissed twice" or "multiple times but never had sex." Then it progresses to, "we only groped each other through our clothes - we never got naked."

This is how the lie slowly erodes. It's called *trickle truth,* when you get a little bit more of the truth as time progresses.

OP, they NEVER tell you the *whole truth*, especially in the beginning. You get just a watered-down version of the truth that's barely recognizable to the ACTUAL truth because let's be honest - covering their ass is Job #1. Cheaters aren't looking to change or lose what they've got at home; they're looking to ADD to what they already have, so of course she's going to lie her face off to you and protect her own ass. She's just doing what they ALL do - trying to paint herself in the most innocent light she can.

She told you just enough to ENTICE you at that *moment*, but I'm willing to bet now, in the light of day, she wishes she never opened this can of worms at ALL.

If you're smart, you'll do your recon work FIRST before confronting her, but you've likely already given her a heads up so she's probably deleted anything that could incriminate her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If in this “rough patch” you weren’t having sex abd she was hard to get along with and nitpicking you……..

Guess why it was rough? It was because her feelings were given to another man and she had zero feelings for you…..also the reason for no sex, she was being loyal to her affair partner.

thing is, it’s over, she’s back with you. Yeah, she may stray again.. but what are you gonna do about this? Break up a marrriage that’s going good at the moment?

this is a strange one to deal with.

you’ll never get the whole truth without a polygraph and even with one you won’t get the whole truth. It’s tough to advise what to do aboit this. Your wife should be able to tell you the truth when you ask a question. But you are burned by what she said. It’s a tough one


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> I agree with most of this above. She enjoyed the flirting 😏 that doesn't make it an EA. Shes human, She shut it down.. That should say enough.
> He doesn't work with her anymore.
> 
> You should find out if they are still communicating. ? Maybe that's why she won't reveal the name.
> ...


We don't know if it was/is an EA or not. All we know is what she told him, when he started to quiz her about the relationship. He might not work there anymore or that might be a lie. He can't find out whether that's true because she won't tell him who it is. She might have sent him pictures 30 minutes before this conversation for all he knows.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Cheat - To act dishonestly to gain an advantage

She lied (acted dishonestly) to keep you in the dark and not suspect her of wrongdoing (to gain an advantage). 
So did she cheat? Yes. Sexually? Who knows. Does it matter? Cheating and lying are both disrespectful and you, as her husband, deserve to be respected.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Weaselcat said:


> We were having sex and discussing fantasies etc and I asked her if she was ever tempted to sleep with someone else/cheat. She then said that she had been tempted.
> 
> I'm thinking that during sex might be a good way to get more details out rather than more confrontation.


For her to even be tempted it meant the offer was already on the table from him. And she did not tell you and worked closely with him.


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## Weaselcat (21 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> At most, a hug and a kiss.
> 
> No, she did not physically cheat, more than that (if that, at all).
> 
> ...


Thanks SunCMars, I confronted her again and she came clean, what you said is basically exactly the story. She exaggerated what was a couple of flirty conversations to get me to up my game (which I have). 
I'm not stupid and know that she could be lying but I know her well enough to believe her. We're now in a really good place in the marriage and have agreed to be completely open in future.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Weaselcat said:


> Thanks SunCMars, I confronted her again and she came clean, what you said is basically exactly the story. She exaggerated what was a couple of flirty conversations to get me to up my game (which I have).
> I'm not stupid and know that she could be lying but I know her well enough to believe her. We're now in a really good place in the marriage and have agreed to be completely open in future.


Did she ever give you his name?
If not, she needs to.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Weaselcat said:


> Thanks SunCMars, I confronted her again and she came clean, what you said is basically exactly the story. She exaggerated what was a couple of flirty conversations to get me to up my game (which I have).
> I'm not stupid and know that she could be lying but I know her well enough to believe her. We're now in a really good place in the marriage and have agreed to be completely open in future.


My guess is she went with this latest story because you were continuing to insist on her telling you who this person is. Sounds like it worked.

So tell her the good news is, because this was nothing more than just a couple of "flirty" conversations after all, there really isn't any reason for her to continue to withhold his name from you. My guess is she will continue to refuse, but it might be interesting to see how she morphs the story once again to try to get you to let it go.

You posted your story on 12/24, and now, 6 days later you've upped your game and your marriage is in a really good place, all due to your wife lying about possible infidelity to get your to "up your game." Her plan was genius.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Weaselcat said:


> Thanks SunCMars, I confronted her again and she came clean, what you said is basically exactly the story. She exaggerated what was a couple of flirty conversations to get me to up my game (which I have).
> I'm not stupid and know that she could be lying but I know her well enough to believe her. We're now in a really good place in the marriage and have agreed to be completely open in future.


Honestly she probably didn't want to ever say anything because after you an your wife finally getting to a good place where your both happy again it would just bring you back to a bad place. my advice keep your eyes an ears open but at the same time enjoy the good times your having right now with your wife. make every date like a first date. every kiss like a first kiss and you will never have to worry about her again . she will be latched on your arm. enjoy the good times as long as you can . good luck to you


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Trust, but verify.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Weaselcat said:


> Thanks SunCMars, I confronted her again and she came clean, what you said is basically exactly the story. She exaggerated what was a couple of flirty conversations to get me to up my game (which I have).
> I'm not stupid and know that she could be lying but I know her well enough to believe her. We're now in a really good place in the marriage and have agreed to be completely open in future.


Weaselcat - I do hope your assessment is correct for your benefit.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So, did she ever come clean on who the POS is? If she is still protecting him she will never be honest with you. Be the fool if you wish, you will end up paying for it.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Well, hate to say it but she’s already cheated in you: she withheld information from you precisely because she knew that the advances from the other man, but especially her unwillingness to reject those advances, would upset you.

Find out who the OM is and whether he’s left her department/firm. Good news is that it sounds as though nothing happened. There is a possibility the OM’s wife probably found out about the flirting and put a stop to it before it went any further. And if that’s the case, she would’ve forced him to leave the firm.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

The OM will always be an EX of your WW since he has already violated the marital boundaries, he is more of a threat than some random person who you WW meets at the store. The OMs invitation to escalate the relationship to a physical sexual one will stand until the OM dies or goes senile.

You have to know his name or it will eat you alive in the future since you WW is continuing to lie to You. 

You also need to know in order to inform OMW and put a second set of eyes on their interaction.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Get a polygraph.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> since you WW is continuing to lie to You./QUOTE]
> 
> Which is probably what he knows for sure: her lies.


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## Naughty (13 d ago)

Wow there are some really judgemental people on here. with dangerous advice. She did not have sex with him. You were fantasing about her and other men and getting turned on by that thought, But then suddenly realised perhaps that was not what you wanted.. She was not saying she was tempted to get you to raise your game, she said it to turn you on as part of your fantasy. ,Lots of guys have fantasy about wife with another man, And many go through with it. MFM 3 somes Be careful what you wish for


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Weaselcat said:


> Thanks SunCMars, I confronted her again and she came clean, what you said is basically exactly the story. She exaggerated what was a couple of flirty conversations to get me to up my game (which I have).
> I'm not stupid and know that she could be lying but I know her well enough to believe her. We're now in a really good place in the marriage and have agreed to be completely open in future.


I think to got to the point in your relationship where your wife thought it was safe to tell you her deepest fantasies and start exploring a deeper relationship 
if you over reacted and started to dought her and build things that was not the case it could damage that level of closeness


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Naughty said:


> Wow there are some really judgemental people on here. with dangerous advice. She did not have sex with him. You were fantasing about her and other men and getting turned on by that thought, But then suddenly realised perhaps that was not what you wanted.. She was not saying she was tempted to get you to raise your game, she said it to turn you on as part of your fantasy. ,Lots of guys have fantasy about wife with another man, And many go through with it. MFM 3 somes Be careful what you wish for


Thank you...So many of these people that give advice are so skewed...They twist the info given to fit their own narrative 🙄


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