# Sexless Marriage at 60.



## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

*Need out of this*

I need out of this marriage. I feel as though I'm stuck. I'm sooooo sick and tired of my husband's verbal abuse. He can be so loving but then turn around and take it all away with his verbal abuse. I get blamed for everything that goes wrong. Of course I stick up for myself but after awhile the cutting words wear me down. I live in a small town so jobs aren't plentiful...but I am working on one. There's no extra money for me to move out so I'm stuck for a little longer. I'm not really asking for advise. I just need to vent. Thanks for reading.


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## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

I'd like to know if most 60 yr old married people are still having sex? My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married 6. It seems the longer he's been on blood pressure meds the more his desire for sex diminishes. Now he doesn't have any sex drive and he's 61. What frustrates me most is he's not even affectionate anymore. He doesn't even make an effort. I feel he's being incredibly selfish. I got so tired of his rejection I quit asking for any physical attention from him. Am I being unreasonable? I realize that someday sex may be just a memory but I'm not ready for pasture yet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I did a google search on the question and came up with a few links to articles... here is one...

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/28/sex-lives-over-70-active-study_n_6563358.html

I don't think it matters what most people your age are doing, but instead what your needs are.

Does your husband acknowledge that his sex drive has tanked? Has he been to a doctor to check into likely causes, such as low T levels? 

His lack of affection makes me think that this is about more than him having a lower sex drive these days and more to it being emotional.

Here is thread that might give you some info that will help you. It's a long thread, so read at least the first couple of pages.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Mmzbrus4*

I merged your two threads into one. You will be better responses this way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you thinking of ending your marriage?


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Mmzbrus4, some 60 and 70year old people are having sex, some are not.

Men with ED issues ( assuming the BP meds are the problem) feel like some magic power has been taken away and they avoid feeling like a failure so they pull away physically and sexually.

Me, I have 10+ on your H and up until a couple years ago I was up for sex several times a week but my W was like your H, so sex rarely happened. I had to take a few more meds so now getting hard takes time.

Ed can happen to men in their 30s or not until their 70s, it just depends.

* What frustrates me most is he's not even affectionate anymore. He doesn't even make an effort. I feel he's being incredibly selfish. I got so tired of his rejection I quit asking for any physical attention from him.*

Well, I am sad to admit, I have done what you have. My W moved to her own bedroom a couple of times in the last 20 years and now she has moved permanently and is totally against having sex with me. It has been this way for a couple of years.

My observations are this is your future and no amount of jumping through your H's hoops or wants/desires are going to change him.

My advice is to build a life separate from your H's activities.

I developed a few friends outside of my marriage, do things alone mostly and occasionally with a friend or two, I ride my bicycle short distances at a time to add up to 100 miles a month, and I go to a gym and workout or do yoga.

Let your H figure out what he wants to do on his own and don't feel guilty that you are not helping him. When I try to help my W, it backfires on me most of the time and sometimes makes things worse.

Being civil but detached seems to work the best for me.

Just in case you didn't know there is an increase of men not interested in sex and as in the past, the same goes for women (not interested in sex) and there are actual websites where "sex less marriages" is what the whole forum / website is all about.

There is / was a sexless wife forum I used to read about 10 years ago. There is a thread here on TAM about women wanting sex but the H isn't interested.

Having sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless relationship. Add on the resentment some sexless relationships experience, it is no wonder the other parts of the relationship goes downhill. Several men have said sexless leads to depression and being short tempered.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: Need out of this*

Gee, I'm 58, on BP med and Propecia (drops testosterone) and no ED or desire issues.

Now for the difficult questions:

- there are active 60 year olds who can walk 10 miles a day, 15 even, cycle 30-40 miles, pull all nighters at work, etc. You can tell as they drive exotic cars and dress young.

- there are also 60 year olds who are, as my funniest intern says, the Pre-Dead. Look older than Keith Richards, are well versed in shuffleboard, and drive Buicks.

In other words, are they interested in being with the Living or have they mailed it in?

And no, I'm not Jack Lalanne


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## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

Thank you!


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## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I am giving serious thought to ending it.


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## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

*Re: Need out of this*

I understand what you're saying.


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## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

Doesn't leading a separate life make you feel lonely? I'm starting to do activities separate from him but in all honesty, I didn't sign up to be a roommate. Thank you for all of your input.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

*Mmzbrus4
a)Doesn't leading a separate life make you feel lonely? 
b)I'm starting to do activities separate from him but in all honesty, 
c)I didn't sign up to be a roommate.*

a)Yes I feel lonely but it is better than wishing i has a sex life with someone that doesn't like sex or even being in the same room with me. Take your pick, feel lonely or feel rejected and put down. I disliked the putdown and rejected a lot more. Your choice.

b) Most people on one sexless relationship forum are doing what I do and what you are starting to do, and that is doing things without your H. It is called rebuilding your own life or as often referred to as "getting a life." Believe me it takes time where I live to "get a life."

c) I didn't sign up to be room mates but you CAN NOT make someone feel sexual towards you if they don't feel it all by them self.

On the sexless marriage forum people say their spouse is reluctantly willing to have sex with them on occasion but the sex is so passionless they refer to the little sex they do have as "phoned in sex" "poking a log" "starfish sex" or "dead bedroom sex." I don't want to have sex with my W if I feel like I am imposing on her physical or mental happiness. Lots of other people say the same thing so it is a common practice to avoid rejections and feeling like a bad or selfish person.

Other than ED or medical issues, is there anything you do or don't do that he developed a resentment towards you? This resentment issue is a frequent issue in marriages.

With me, my W is so negative about sex, when we did occasionally had sex, it wasn't that satisfying to me or her. I also resent her shopping addiction so that was my issue. I told her many,many times I resented her buying 50 pair of shoes, several pot and pan sets, more kitchen electrical gadgets than we have room for so they went to Goodwill as a donation. Then there was the hundreds of dollars a month that went to beauty, hair, and skin care, all from her favorite shopping channel QVC. Half of her $1,100 monthly pay check went to QVC and I paid for everything to run the house.

To me wanting sex from someone that doesn't want me is similar to asking a woman out on a date that doesn't like me. This one sided stuff doesn't really work that well. It got to be the more I did for my w, hoping she would want me or appreciate me, resulted in me just being her worker bee and I guess the less she respected me or considered my needs.

Now she stays home almost all of the time, watches TV 14 hours a day, so I spend my time at home in my man cave to get away from the TV noise. My social activities consist of things I do away from home. I used to invite her and was always turned down so I just tell my W where I am going and about when I might be home. 

She doesn't cook but will heat up a frozen pizza or TV dinner but only for herself. I do the shopping and cooking, pay all of the bills, and manage our finances. I tried to get her involved but she quits trying to do so many things I decided almost everything is up to me.

If your H has some resentment issues, you might improve him wanting sex but the more a person pushes a spouse, it usually leads to more distancing.

Bottom line, people want to be emotionally connected to their partner. Sex with out that connection is not very satisfying for most people. Having sex is only a measuring stick that is easy to quantify or describe. The emotional connection and satisfaction is a little more difficult to measure and talk about.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mmzbrus4* said:


> Thank you!


So, what kind of 60 year old is he?


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

If he has changed a lot then ask him to see a doctor: there may be a lot more at stake than just ED. At 59, I suffered from not being able to hold an erection for long and after blood tests found there was a serious health problem underlying it that is being addressed. Don't put it down as simply being a symptom of getting older.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mmzbrus4* said:


> I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I am giving serious thought to ending it.


Go for it..

You are still young, compared to some, compared to me.
I suspect that his problem IS physical. He is embarrassed because he can not perform.

He is trying to wait out the clock. Him being short tempered is inner rage, at himself, at you.


I believe he is hoping you will join him in old age.
Misery loves company.

I hate aging. God I hate it.

SCM-


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

You said you want out and to vent. If you have made your mind up then get a divorce.

I was in a sex starved marriage in my late 50's and beginning 60's. My wife would rarely (couple three times a year) have sex with me and when she did she would use the emotional closeness to emotionally abuse me and hurt me. So I think I understand what you are feeling.

One night I said to myself, No more, I deserve better. That is when I started to read just about every relationship book written. I determined that I was going to figure out the problem in our marriage, not so much to save it as to learn from it so I would not repeat it in the future.

To my surprise I ultimately learned that I was a big part of the problem. I had been telling myself that I was married to a frigid ice queen and the victim. What I learned was we both pushed each other emotionally away, while still loving each other. I changed myself and I changed the way I treated my wife so she felt loved and cherished each day,.........but still no sex from her. Ultimately I insisted we do marriage counseling with a sex therapist. After a few months of sex therapy going no where, the sex therapist asked my wife what she thought would ultimately happen to our marriage. After a lot of avoiding the question, my wife finally admitted we would probably divorce.

The ST then asked me if I had ever thought of divorce. I said yes that I had read the State's divorce laws and figured out the standard time line between filing divorce papers and a divorce being finalized. I said that I had promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman by my 62nd birthday. That I hoped it would be my wife, but if she couldn't, I would divorce her and find someone else. It was a deer in the headlights moment for both my wife and the ST. The ST handled it well and told my wife that the timeline gave her plenty of time to change, if she wanted to stay married and that staying married or getting divorced was now totally up to her, but she needed to live with the consequences of her actions.

My wife has always been Low desire and wanted sex about once a week to once every week and a half to two weeks. The ST worked with me to define what I meant by a loving sexual relationship. Then she asked my wife if she had ever in our marriage been capable of having sex three times a week? My wife said yes she had. The ST then told my wife it was now all up to her as to staying married or getting divorced. After a few more sessions, my wife pleaded that she could not do sex any more than twice a week. The ST then worked with me to see if twice a week compared to twice or three times a year was something I could live with. I agreed we established boundaries and our marriage was saved by the way we started treating each other and the sex we shared that rebuilt the emotional bonds.
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You get to choose what you want, but then you have to live with the consequences. My advice from being where you are is to fix yourself before you divorce your spouse. That way if you divorce you will be in a better position to find the love you deserve. Who knows, if you fix yourself your changes may just inspire your spouse to change enough to save your marriage.

Good Luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted a thread jack by several members. Please address the OP or don't post on this thread.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

just a thought....it seems he is a nice enough guy SOME OF THE TIME, but verbally abuses you and flies off the handle at other times? Maybe it is a medical condition that can be helped. Does his verbal abuse and berating happen at certain times of the day, like 3:30 in the afternoon? His blood sugar may be very low or very high, and he is not himself then, but after he eats supper he is ok again and is sorry he treated you roughly? ...i.e. have him checked out for Diabetes....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> just a thought....it seems he is a nice enough guy SOME OF THE TIME, but verbally abuses you and flies off the handle at other times? Maybe it is a medical condition that can be helped. Does his verbal abuse and berating happen at certain times of the day, like 3:30 in the afternoon? His blood sugar may be very low or very high, and he is not himself then, but after he eats supper he is ok again and is sorry he treated you roughly? ...i.e. have him checked out for Diabetes....


Oh please.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So there's two issues here.

First he's verbally abusive and second, he's not interested in sex. I guess my first question is Why would you want to have sex with him in the first place?

But assuming you do, how long has it been since you had a good sex life with him? Did you lose interest at some point in time then get a rekindled interest?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Verbal abuse can kill intimacy.
Why would you want to get close and naked with somebody who treats you with such disrespect.
Love and respect go hand in hand.
If he doesn’t respect you ....he doesn’t love you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you remember the vows you made not very long ago and get some good long term marriage counselling. There must have 
been things that made you want to marry him only 6 years ago? Work on the marriage and be thankful for the good things about him. 
Think of one thing every day that you appreciate about him and tell him. 
So many people give up far too easily now. Presumably you have been divorced before? Do you really want another one?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Marriage for the sake of marriage is not worth having. I can find a roommate anywhere.


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