# Am I Being Ridiculous????



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

For the past month or so, maybe longer, every single weekend my H goes out to the bars. Sometimes Friday _and_ Saturday. Of course he tells me if I have plans to go out that's fine and he'll stay home with the kids, but he says there's no sense in us both sitting at home :scratchhead: Last I remembered we were married with kids and that's kinda what happens...right? 

I am so not against him going out maybe even every other weekend or so one night with his friends, but every weekend sometimes twice seems a bit excessive to me. When me and my friends go out we go out to dinner, maybe go sit at a hole in the wall bar and talk and laugh at people and then go home around 12 or so, the H is out at bars til 3 in the morning  not a fan of that either.....

His reasoning is that babysitters are too expensive to get all the time so we can go out together, and once the oldest is old enough to watch the other and herself, we can go out all the time together, and also that we need to learn how to have fun without the other, I already know how to have fun without my H lol and I know he has more fun without me, so LAME excuse  

So if I decide to finally say something about it, because honestly if I wanted to be alone on the weekends all the time, I would rather be single, am I justified in saying something, or is this normal???? My parents never went out without each other so idk what's a normal amount and what's excessive......


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

seems excessive to you, and thats what matters........


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are justified to be miffed at his behavior. Sounds like he may be testing the waters (so to speak). That's how it started with my husband too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It is excessive.

Why can't he have people over? Hubs will do that often. Better to drink at home anyway. cheaper.

But 2 nights on every weekend? Wtf. Is he single? lol. 

Sure nothing else is going on?


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## ommilay (Mar 12, 2012)

I know that when my husband doesn't feel like explaining himself, he gives some brief, knock-off answer that really isn't the truth. Babysitters being too expensive? If he REALLY wanted to go out with you, he really wouldn't care about that- I mean, going out drinking twice in one weekend would probably pay for a sitter one night- there is something else, not the money spent on the sitter- good luck getting him to open up to you!!! That's the important thing.


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## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

No, it is not normal. And Yes, you are justified in saying so. He needs to be a LOT less selfish. Most selfish people do not view themselves as selfish. So if you say it to him, he will deny it. But he is definitely being selfish in this regard.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Seems a bit "off" to say the reason you both cant go is b/c of the money and then for him to spend both nights in the bar. That's expensive and for what that costs both of you could go and pay the babysitter once.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It is excessive.
> 
> Why can't he have people over? Hubs will do that often. Better to drink at home anyway. cheaper.
> 
> ...


Our house is pretty small and I get not wanting to have people over, because I usually don't like having people over either, our house is too chaotic lol 

Yeah 1 sometimes 2 nights every weekend. The only reason I don't think anything is going on is because if 2 days every weekend I said that I had plans and I'm going out he would be fine with it and he would stay home....his logic is both of us shouldn't have to sit home and he encourages me to go out...which I go out enough....

That's exactly what I was going to say to him if I brought it up, like he wants to be single on the weekends and if that's the case he can be single all the time!! I always thought when you were in a relationship with someone it's because, oh I don't know, you like spending time with them LOL or I could be wrong


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, our weekends don't really mean going out (we have no money for it) but...when we do go out, it's together.

What's wrong with sitting in the home you've created together and hanging out together at home?

I'd be offended if Hubs did this. Well, he did do it...right before he left.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Seems a bit "off" to say the reason you both cant go is b/c of the money and then for him to spend both nights in the bar. That's expensive and for what that costs both of you could go and pay the babysitter once.


I know that's my feeling....like what you spend in alcohol in those 2 days we could have just had someone babysit....when we go out I drink a beer, which is cheap, and if I have any shots or anything other people have bought them for me, so my H literally spends next to nothing for me when we go out...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, our weekends don't really mean going out (we have no money for it) but...when we do go out, it's together.
> 
> What's wrong with sitting in the home you've created together and hanging out together at home?
> 
> I'd be offended if Hubs did this. Well, he did do it...right before he left.


I am offended, it's likes seriously if being out with other people all the time is what makes you happy, then by all means do it, but that's not what I want, and if it continues that way don't be mad/shocked if I'm not there anymore.....this isn't what I "signed up for" when I got married....


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Can you refresh our memories with what's been going on with you two lately (nutshell)?

I don't like the bar thing...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Can you refresh our memories with what's been going on with you two lately (nutshell)?
> 
> I don't like the bar thing...


Lately? It's been on and off good, we went through that period about a month or so ago where he dropped the big D word because things were going so poorly, but we seemed to have made a comeback from it as usual and things were going pretty good, not spectacular, but good....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

GreenEyes said:


> Lately? It's been on and off good, we went through that period about a month or so ago where he dropped the big D word because things were going so poorly, but we seemed to have made a comeback from it as usual and things were going pretty good, not spectacular, but good....


Does he bring up the D word often?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> For the past month or so, maybe longer, every single weekend my H goes out to the bars. Sometimes Friday _and_ Saturday. Of course he tells me if I have plans to go out that's fine and he'll stay home with the kids, but he says there's no sense in us both sitting at home :scratchhead: Last I remembered we were married with kids and that's kinda what happens...right?
> 
> I am so not against him going out maybe even every other weekend or so one night with his friends, but every weekend sometimes twice seems a bit excessive to me. When me and my friends go out we go out to dinner, maybe go sit at a hole in the wall bar and talk and laugh at people and then go home around 12 or so, the H is out at bars til 3 in the morning  not a fan of that either.....
> 
> ...


Big red flag to me. I don't see any reason to be out until 3 am 1-2 nights every weekend at a bar where you don't know who else is there. Nothing good can happen from that. I would have issues if my wife did that, and she sure as h311 would have issues if I did it, and rightly so.

If he refuses to stop when you discuss it with him, then the next time he mentions it, tell him he can't because you have plans both nights that weekend. Make him stay in, and you go out, even if it is to read a good book at a coffee shop. I don't see any reason why you need to enable that behavior.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Does he bring up the D word often?


Nope, that was the only time he ever did....he doesn't believe in divorce, so I was surprised when he said that, but I didn't disagree with him that that might be the only solution...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's treating you like a live-in babysitter. I wouldn't stand for that.

Marriage and raising kids is a two person thing (when married). That means staying home. What does he do when he goes out that he can't do at home? See his guy friends? ok...so what is soooo special abotu them that he has to see them both nights and every weekend of the month? This isn't high school.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Babysitters being too expensive? Going out with friends once or twice a week is very expensive. Maybe you should get a baby sitter and go out and see what he’s up to.

The two of you should be going out on a date night once a week. 

There is something really wrong with what he’s doing.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Big red flag to me. I don't see any reason to be out until 3 am 1-2 nights every weekend at a bar where you don't know who else is there. Nothing good can happen from that. I would have issues if my wife did that, and she sure as h311 would have issues if I did it, and rightly so.
> 
> If he refuses to stop when you discuss it with him, then the next time he mentions it, tell him he can't because you have plans both nights that weekend. Make him stay in, and you go out, even if it is to read a good book at a coffee shop. I don't see any reason why you need to enable that behavior.


I agree, I almost had planned on going and sitting at my brother's house on Saturday night just so he wouldn't be able to go out, but I feel bad leaving my kids just to do that. My kids, especially the 4-year-old, get upset when we leave...which sometimes when we go out together it's "too bad, so sad" me and daddy need us time haha but when he's going out every weekend and my son is crying because daddy's leaving all the time, that's sad!! I mean they have to get over it once in a while so we can go out, whether together or alone, but I don't blame my son, daddy's gone at night every freakin weekend, and if daddy's not gone it's because mommy is...like I seriously feel bad about that, that's why I'm the one that stays home the most....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For a few weeks why don't you take him up on going out for both Friday & Saturday night and leave him to babysit. Make sure you dress to kill, show cleavage, etc. Then when he complains that it's too much you will have his own words to make your point.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

GreenEyes said:


> Nope, that was the only time he ever did....he doesn't believe in divorce, so I was surprised when he said that, but I didn't disagree with him that that might be the only solution...


Can you sum up the prob?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's treating you like a live-in babysitter. I wouldn't stand for that.
> 
> Marriage and raising kids is a two person thing (when married). That means staying home. What does he do when he goes out that he can't do at home? See his guy friends? ok...so what is soooo special abotu them that he has to see them both nights and every weekend of the month? This isn't high school.


Dead on......I seriously think that he has a complex because he was popular in high school and he needs that positive reinforcement from other people that he is still somebody or something like that....I wasn't popular in school lol so I don't feel the need to have people constantly falling all over themselves around me, telling me how spectacular I am :rofl:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I agree, I almost had planned on going and sitting at my brother's house on Saturday night just so he wouldn't be able to go out, but I feel bad leaving my kids just to do that. My kids, especially the 4-year-old, get upset when we leave...which sometimes when we go out together it's "too bad, so sad" me and daddy need us time haha but when he's going out every weekend and my son is crying because daddy's leaving all the time, that's sad!! I mean they have to get over it once in a while so we can go out, whether together or alone, but I don't blame my son, daddy's gone at night every freakin weekend, and if daddy's not gone it's because mommy is...like I seriously feel bad about that, that's why I'm the one that stays home the most....


Don't give in to the kids when they whine about it. My kids whine too. But adults go out sometimes. that's just life.

Go when they are in bed. We go out when our 3 year old goes to sleep. Our 12 year old is home and ok. We go not to far from home and we're home by 11. But if dad is home, just go out.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> My H and I hardly ever go out without each other, maybe once every few months. We have more fun when we are together. This might or might not be the norm, but I would be concerned that he doesn't WANT to sit home and spend time with you at least some of the time. Seems he wants to relive his youth. Is he going through a MLC?
> 
> I would be livid if my H was constantly bar hopping till 3AM without me. Not okay and not appropriate. He is married. Maybe you should drop the D word. If he wants to be single, let him. He sure won't be able to afford all those drinks after alimony and child support.


When I told his sister what he had said, she's like tell him a babysitter is cheaper than a divorce :rofl:


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Can you sum up the prob?


H had an EA with some random chick on the internet/over the phone for a couple months a couple years ago, I found the chats in the trash in an email account I didn't know he had, but it was after they were done talking. Since then there have been major trust issues with me and he said that it was understandable for a while, but he isn't going to live like this, and I'm ruining ours and our kids' lives.....after he said that is when he dropped the D-bomb


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So he COULD be meeting someone when out. Seriously...he could be.

Are his friends married? Partnered? If so, you know THEY aren't out every night on the weekends.

He gives you the idea that he'd let you go out just because he knows you won't. This makes you think nothing is going on, but in reality, there could be.

People who were caught in an affair, if they are sorry about it, DO NOT pull this crap. Obviuosly, he doesn't care.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So he COULD be meeting someone when out. Seriously...he could be.
> 
> Are his friends married? Partnered? If so, you know THEY aren't out every night on the weekends.
> 
> ...


You get no argument from me, I know he doesn't care, he told me straight up what he did was for entertainment so I shouldn't be so upset about it....:rofl:.......had to add that because every time I read that it's so ridiculous it makes me laugh lol


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It sounds like he is trying to recapture his younger days when he had no responsibilities. It's like he is regressing rather than growing into a man with a wife and kids. Perhaps he can't handle the stress of being a husband and father. I am sure that happens to everyone at one time or another, it's natural, but he's gotta snap out of it and take care of your family. 

Him leaving you behind to attend to everything while he escapes is not fair. You need to escape sometimes too. His behavior must make you feel like a babysitter and the longer it goes on, the more resentful and angry you will become. And if you tell him how you feel and he dismisses your feelings (like a teenager would), you may need to rethink things. 

It's time your husband puts on his big boy pants, grows up, and becomes a true, hands on husband and father. 

If he feels the need to escape so badly, maybe he isn't cut out to be a good husband and father. Don't take his behavior personally, even though you are left holding all the ball. He sounds like a coward who doesn't want to deal with real life. This isn't 1950, husbands should be active in the rearing of their children. He also needs to realize he is in a marriage, he is one half of a whole. His role is very important in your family. He can run, but he can't hide. I just hope he wakes up before you get so fed up, that he comes home to his clothing scattered all over the lawn and you have called a lawyer. You shouldn't have to put up with this. This does not sound like a marriage. He is being insensitive and mean, and he knows it. But he chooses to ignore your feelings and do what he wants anyway. Don't let him get away with this because it will only get worse.

My prayers are with you and I hope he wises up before the loses his family.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

GreenEyes said:


> You get no argument from me, I know he doesn't care, he told me straight up what he did was for entertainment so I shouldn't be so upset about it....:rofl:.......had to add that because every time I read that it's so ridiculous it makes me laugh lol


wow. sometimes I wonder what they are thinking, really. My husband says some stupid sh!t too. Like"he knew I'd be jealous of her b/c she is young, thin and powerful"....yep, thats what he said. So ya know I think sometimes they just have an inability to think when they are in the thick of an EA. I mean she is only a few yrs younger than me, I wear a size 5 and I think he has learned ALL about my power here recently! Stand up for yourself GReeneyes. You can do it.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I can see going out to bars once in a while with the guys. Doing it all the time and/or staying out so late should not be tolerated by married people unless it is mutually something that is deemed to be exceptible. Personally, I too like the attention from others in these types of settings. I like to people watch and flirt. Even if he and his friends are behaving I think clubs, bars are things to do as couples or rarely. 

I am not sure if i would play games like going out dolled up etc. You don't want the freedom to go out..you want to spend time together as a couple. This strategy could backfire 

You need to spend time together as a couple and work on your relationship. I should also point out that your H is acting like a child and you need to stand up to his silly, and inappropriate behavior. It is important that you don't insinuate that you can't trust him or whatever. There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to spend 95% of his weekend nights with you. 

You should also try your best to find try and reconnect. Try to remember what you did before kids that he enjoyed. It sounds like things need work between you both. Regardless, i would not tollerate him acting like a single guy without kids. If you can't afford a sitter maybe he could divert his energy towards a new career, second job, hobbie that could make him money, home repairs...rather than hangin' with his friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know your husband's friends? Are they married? Do you know the wives?

I'll bet the other wives are not so happy either. Maybe all you wives and plot.. I mean plan some get together where the wives, gf's, etc are there.

The ones with larger houses can throw house parties and bbq's. You can throw a picnic at a park. THey an be pot-lucks go that it's not too expensive for anyone.

This way your husband can have all his friends admire him. Your children can be included some of the time.

And you will save enough money to pay for a baby sitter for your very badly needed once a week date.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So he COULD be meeting someone when out. Seriously...he could be.
> 
> Are his friends married? Partnered? If so, you know THEY aren't out every night on the weekends.
> 
> ...


the other problem with this is that if you give him adequate lead time that you have plans to go out, then he has adequate time to make new plans with whomever he's seeing.

when he comes back at 3am, is he inebriated? Have you noticed any tell tale signs. It's sad that he stays out until 3am, that means he's dead to the world for most of the next day so he can't interact with his kids.

I agree with the couple others, you're going out without him would come across as tit for tat and might suggest to him that going out alone is ok for both of you. Do you have friends that might be able to babysit every now and then and you go could see a film.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I hope I am not overstepping here, but what makes you stay? He seems like a jerk and he is using you.


You're not overstepping lol....he's like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I guess is the best way to describe it...he can be such a sweetheart and be considerate and do things for me and he's a wonderful dad, but then there are these times and it makes me want to pull my hair out because it's like seriously??


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> It sounds like he is trying to recapture his younger days when he had no responsibilities. It's like he is regressing rather than growing into a man with a wife and kids. Perhaps he can't handle the stress of being a husband and father. I am sure that happens to everyone at one time or another, it's natural, but he's gotta snap out of it and take care of your family.
> 
> Him leaving you behind to attend to everything while he escapes is not fair. You need to escape sometimes too. His behavior must make you feel like a babysitter and the longer it goes on, the more resentful and angry you will become. And if you tell him how you feel and he dismisses your feelings (like a teenager would), you may need to rethink things.
> 
> ...


I can say, for him, that he is a very hands on father, he does _everything_ with the kids and is constantly taking them outside and doing all kinds of stuff with them and practices with them and teaches them to ride their bikes or rollerblade, he is in the middle of teaching our daughter to ride her dirt bike, and they ride their four wheelers all the time together. ...he is def not lacking in the good father department, the kids love him and he loves those kids more than anything....it's the husband side that needs the major work....I feel like he is so busy trying to be the father that his wasn't (which I truly appreciate), that he is being the husband that his dad was...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> wow. sometimes I wonder what they are thinking, really. My husband says some stupid sh!t too. Like"he knew I'd be jealous of her b/c she is young, thin and powerful"....yep, thats what he said. So ya know I think sometimes they just have an inability to think when they are in the thick of an EA. I mean she is only a few yrs younger than me, I wear a size 5 and I think he has learned ALL about my power here recently! Stand up for yourself GReeneyes. You can do it.


Yeah I have gotten that in the past when I found out H was texting this girl from the gym that was friends with his sister, and apparently really good friends with him too, but he failed to mention that they texted and met up at the gym, and the driving range, and probably other places, because he knew I would get mad....:slap: Really??????


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Do you two spend enough time together otherwise? I know weekend nights are our only real time to spend together. I can understand going with friends to a bar every once in a while, but what is there for a married guy to do in a bar for 5 hours?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

tjohnson said:


> I can see going out to bars once in a while with the guys. Doing it all the time and/or staying out so late should not be tolerated by married people unless it is mutually something that is deemed to be exceptible. Personally, I too like the attention from others in these types of settings. I like to people watch and flirt. Even if he and his friends are behaving I think clubs, bars are things to do as couples or rarely.
> 
> I am not sure if i would play games like going out dolled up etc. You don't want the freedom to go out..you want to spend time together as a couple. This strategy could backfire
> 
> ...


The thing is before we had kids, which was only 5 months into the relationship before I became pregnant, going out was all we did, that's what we both like to do, but we always did it together. Of course I don't mind him going without me once in a while, and I like to go without him once in a while for girl time with my friends, but this seems so constant and is seeming to be a permanent fixture in this relationship, though it won't be for very long because I'm not living this way for the rest of my life, or even for another 6 months....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know your husband's friends? Are they married? Do you know the wives?
> 
> I'll bet the other wives are not so happy either. Maybe all you wives and plot.. I mean plan some get together where the wives, gf's, etc are there.
> 
> ...


Most are single, Friday it was his brother who has a g/f, and she may have been there I don't know, doubt it because she usually works nights, but he's 24 and all his little friends are too, none of them are married...

As far as his friends go, no I don't know many of them, if I see them I know them, and they know me, but we're not friends or anything, not because H won't let me meet them, but because that's just how it's worked out, which is fine with me. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, but the only time we see his friends is when we are at the bar and usually their wives/gf aren't with them...seems to be that he is trying to have the same life all his other friends do, they go out while wife/gf stays home with the kids....the only thing is, I know I'm pretty (sounds conceited but I'm far from it lol) I know that I don't have to live this way and take that if I don't want it....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> Do you two spend enough time together otherwise? I know weekend nights are our only real time to spend together. I can understand going with friends to a bar every once in a while, but what is there for a married guy to do in a bar for 5 hours?


Relive his youth.....that's basically what he's doing....I know him, I know how he is and I know he's working the bar the whole time he's there whether it be talking with women or friends of his....friends I don't mind, other women...:BoomSmilie_anim:


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> the other problem with this is that if you give him adequate lead time that you have plans to go out, then he has adequate time to make new plans with whomever he's seeing.
> 
> when he comes back at 3am, is he inebriated? Have you noticed any tell tale signs. It's sad that he stays out until 3am, that means he's dead to the world for most of the next day so he can't interact with his kids.
> 
> I agree with the couple others, you're going out without him would come across as tit for tat and might suggest to him that going out alone is ok for both of you. Do you have friends that might be able to babysit every now and then and you go could see a film.


He doesn't drink a lot when he goes out without me, maybe a beer or 2, he won't drink and drive like that....so he's completely sober when he gets home....and really even though he comes home that late, or early, he's so used to working 16 hour days that he really isn't dead the next day, he still gets up early and takes the kids outside or wherever they may need to go for the day....if the weather is crappy then we all pretty much stay in and veg.....

It's not his behavior with the kids or anything that bothers me...it's him doing this every weekend and how it's going to start affecting our marriage after some time....


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you're justified in saying you have a problem with his behavior and that you want to talk about it. It might be a good idea to figure out why he wants to go out on his own all the time. Is he working out some issues? Is he bored? Is he getting attention when he goes out that you are not giving him? You could just try the 180 approach and take him up on his offer to go out while he stays at home. Do what he's doing (go out on weekends and stay out all night) for like three weeks and leave him home with the kids. If he isn't happy with being in that position he shouldn't be putting you in it and maybe showing him how it feels to be alone without your partner all the time will make him understand what he is doing to you. Sometimes, people just don't see that they are hurting the other person. Or just find ways of spending time and going out together at least one of those weekend days. My situation started out that way and turned into cheating because I didn't address it soon enough. I'd urge you to try and talk to your husband before any problems or resentment arise.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

GreenEyes said:


> Most are single, Friday it was his brother who has a g/f, and she may have been there I don't know, doubt it because she usually works nights, but he's 24 and all his little friends are too, none of them are married...
> 
> As far as his friends go, no I don't know many of them, if I see them I know them, and they know me, but we're not friends or anything, not because H won't let me meet them, but because that's just how it's worked out, which is fine with me. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, but the only time we see his friends is when we are at the bar and usually their wives/gf aren't with them...seems to be that he is trying to have the same life all his other friends do, they go out while wife/gf stays home with the kids....the only thing is, I know I'm pretty (sounds conceited but I'm far from it lol) I know that I don't have to live this way and take that if I don't want it....


doesnt sound conceited at all. I know Im attractive. Im not conceited at all. Im confident. Or I was until my husbands EA, and now Im .....working on it.I think a guy can have the best looking wife in the world and if he needs his ego stroked thats what he's gonna do.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Yeah I have gotten that in the past when I found out H was texting this girl from the gym that was friends with his sister, and apparently really good friends with him too, but he failed to mention that they texted and met up at the gym, and the driving range, and probably other places, because he knew I would get mad....:slap: Really??????



This is a bad sign. You should pay a little more attention to your husband to see if he is up to something. He's demonstrated that he is willing to hide things and he's going out without you which means he's disengaged from your relationship a bit. I wouldn't automatically say he's straying because many people just want to go have fun, but, this makes me suspicious on your behalf.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

This is wrong

I agree with one of the other posters who said you should arrange for a baby-sitter and go check up on him.

I would show up at the bar after a few hours that he's been there and see what's going on. If he spots you, just yell SURPRISE! I missed you so much honey that I got a baby sitter for us tonight so we can be together! Isn't that wonderful?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

How did you find out about the secret email account he had/has?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> doesnt sound conceited at all. I know Im attractive. Im not conceited at all. Im confident. Or I was until my husbands EA, and now Im .....working on it.I think a guy can have the best looking wife in the world and if he needs his ego stroked thats what he's gonna do.


:iagree: totally....Yeah I like that better, I'm confident....he had his EA and she was really really pretty and skinny too, but I'm no dog and if he can't appreciate the woman that I've become, because his EA was with a 19-year-old, then so sad for him


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Toffer said:


> This is wrong
> 
> I agree with one of the other posters who said you should arrange for a baby-sitter and go check up on him.
> 
> I would show up at the bar after a few hours that he's been there and see what's going on. If he spots you, just yell SURPRISE! I missed you so much honey that I got a baby sitter for us tonight so we can be together! Isn't that wonderful?


:rofl::rofl::rofl: And I could so see his reaction to that  --->


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So what? Let him react!
You need to know what's going on with your marriage!


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

southern wife said:


> How did you find out about the secret email account he had/has?


I work with computers a lot, and am friends with the IT guy at work....he was deleting his history, but left other tracks and I saw a gmail account and knew he never had a gmail account...I changed his password to get in and there in the trash were the chats and the pictures....it was a lovely day


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Toffer said:


> So what? Let him react!
> You need to know what's going on with your marriage!


Oh I would let him react, I could care less if me showing up pisses him off haha but his face would be priceless I'm sure


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Most are single, Friday it was his brother who has a g/f, and she may have been there I don't know, doubt it because she usually works nights, but he's 24 and all his little friends are too, none of them are married...
> 
> As far as his friends go, no I don't know many of them, if I see them I know them, and they know me, but we're not friends or anything, not because H won't let me meet them, but because that's just how it's worked out, which is fine with me. Most of them are married or have girlfriends, but the only time we see his friends is when we are at the bar and usually their wives/gf aren't with them...seems to be that he is trying to have the same life all his other friends do, they go out while wife/gf stays home with the kids....the only thing is, I know I'm pretty (sounds conceited but I'm far from it lol) I know that I don't have to live this way and take that if I don't want it....


You might want to read the book "Divorce Busting". It has some ideas that might help you.

Of the ideas is the 180... here on this site the "180" refers to a specific set of behaviors that are for a person who has been cheated on or whose spouse is leaving them. But the 180 per “Divorce Busting” actually something that is tailored for each person/situation. The idea is to behave 180 degrees from the way you normally behave. The reasons being to make some real changes in yourself and to get your spouse’s attention. 

Right now you are a predictable, boring SAHM. He is not ready for this. Right now you do not have your husband’s attention and he is so sure of you that he thinks he does not need to do anything to keep you. This is why I suggested that you go out and leave him to stay with the children. That you dress up when you go out. It’s not a tit for tat… it’s to make him remember that you are a woman who he wants. And if he wants you he needs to put time and effort into your marriage. 

Now you could just drop the atom bomb of divorce on him and it might wake him up. But his buddies are going to tell him how there are all these other more interesting women when they go out.

If you get his attention he is going to tell his buddies that he wants to be with the hot babe he’s married to. 

My suggestion is that you go to the Divorce Busters web site and read up on the 180. They even have a 180 group. Read the book too.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

GreenEyes,
Friday is only 4 days away. Start lining up the baby sitter and go for it!

As an alternative, if you could have a relative watch the kids at their place, you could leave and stay with a friend that night too. When he finally comes home and finds an empty house and calls you, just tell him you're out and the kids have been taken care of. say goodnight and hang up!

I'm sure when you get home the next day there will be plenty to talk about!


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Toffer said:


> GreenEyes,
> Friday is only 4 days away. Start lining up the baby sitter and go for it!
> 
> As an alternative, if you could have a relative watch the kids at their place, you could leave and stay with a friend that night too. When he finally comes home and finds an empty house and calls you, just tell him you're out and the kids have been taken care of. say goodnight and hang up!
> ...


I have already been thinking about Friday haha My problem is that I don't have _nearly_ as many friends and family as he does...if he wants to go out there is always _someone_ that he can get ahold of to go out with....I have like 3 or 4 people and it's always hard for us to get together for one reason or another....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do you have some friends you could swap baby sitting favors with, not sure the ages of your kids but at our house, we have kids spend the night here, then they go there, I have watched friends kids overnight -so they could get out alone, vice versa & it doesn't cost anything.

If I was in your shoes, I'd find some way to get someone to babysit on a night he plans to be late at this particular bar, grab some Gf's and go see what he is really up too. Have someone you work with , go spy on him at the very least. 

I woudn't like it at all. I think couples should always go to places like that together and never stay out that late (if they are not together)... that keeps one out of temptation. 

He is making excuses, sounds like he had/has an EA , the g-mail account, time to confront and lay it on the line. He is going to fear Divorce something awful -due to what it is going to cost him in Child support, time to get dirty. 

You are not being rediculous at all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally agree with the others. I'd be checking up on him. And telling him what I thought of what he was doing. My ex liked to pretend he was single after we had kids too. I know what it's like. I finally decided I didn't want to be married to him any more, but if you do he needs to change his behaviour. Sadly, you can't make him change, so he needs to figure out what he's gonna lose if he doesn't.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Do you have some friends you could swap baby sitting favors with, not sure the ages of your kids but at our house, we have kids spend the night here, then they go there, I have watched friends kids overnight -so they could get out alone, vice versa & it doesn't cost anything.
> 
> If I was in your shoes, I'd find some way to get someone to babysit on a night he plans to be late at this particular bar, grab some Gf's and go see what he is really up too. Have someone you work with , go spy on him at the very least.
> 
> ...


I would totally rather have someone I know go there and see what he's up to, because if I show up, I may show up at a time when he isn't doing anything or something....I suppose it would be better to see what's going on over a longer period....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think he's a cheater.

I'm sorry but his past doesn't make this seem innocent.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> For the past month or so, maybe longer, every single weekend my H goes out to the bars. Sometimes Friday _and_ Saturday. Of course he tells me if I have plans to go out that's fine and he'll stay home with the kids, but he says there's no sense in us both sitting at home :scratchhead: Last I remembered we were married with kids and that's kinda what happens...right? You are right. Both parents being at home with the kids shouldn't be viewed as "sitting at home", it is called family time. Your husband needs to get involved. There are plenty of things to do as a family that don't involve "sitting around". That he has this attitude towards the family is not good, has he always been this way or is it just recently?
> 
> I am so not against him going out maybe even every other weekend or so one night with his friends, but every weekend sometimes twice seems a bit excessive to me.It is excessive. There is nothing wrong with parents going out with friends and it's good for parents to have a date night without the kids, but every weekend and sometimes twice a weekend if too much. When me and my friends go out we go out to dinner, maybe go sit at a hole in the wall bar and talk and laugh at people and then go home around 12 or so, the H is out at bars til 3 in the morning  not a fan of that either.....Yep, that would tick me off also. Just who is he going out to the bars with?
> 
> ...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Me too.
> 
> Greeneyes - You are allowed to fear the worst not only because of his past, but because he doesn't seem to have done anything to resolve it. He throws it in your face like you have no right to be mad. He texts other woman and doesn't tell you, which is lying. He goes out, parties till the AM, and leaves you at home with the children. Not to mention he pulls that BS about finding a babysitter being too expensive.
> 
> I know lots of guys who are great fathers. That doesn't make them great husbands. It is possible be an excellent father and a douche husband. They are two different kinds of love. You should stay with him for how he treats you and you alone. He treats you like crap and you deserve better. Don’t be afraid to demand the treatment you deserve.


I know and I've said that many times, that he is a wonderful father, but he just has no idea how to be a good husband. I see when he tries, and I see when he's not trying...and that's ok for him, but that's not what I want for _my_ life....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Goes with friends, his brothers and such, but he knows everyone at this bar because he's from the area, and he has no problems with the female conversations and attention that he gets when he goes out either....I mean he does that stuff when I'm at the bar with him, so I wouldn't think otherwise when he isn't with me...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Well, a small update...We had a breakthrough of sorts last night. It just so happened a conversation we were having lead into talking about going out every weekend and stuff like that. In short, he said that he would rather be out with his friends enjoying himself than home alone because he said that's how he feels because we are always in opposite rooms. He says when he tries to hug me and stuff like that I don't respond and that it doesn't feel good to be rejected by your spouse. I asked if I come lay by him every night if he would stop going out and he said yes, I would never leave you if we're together.... ......

I know what he's talking about, and he has valid points...I know that over the years I've built a wall around myself and keep myself at a distance from him so that I don't get hurt, I believe I have done that all throughout my life with every guy I've been with....I'm happy that I got it out there in the open and we talked about it because now I know how he feels....I always felt that he didn't want me in the room with him, I always felt like it annoyed him when I was around him all the time...I was wrong, and I'm glad I was wrong  Hopefully this problem is now solved!!! 

Thanks everyone for all your input, I actually used some what you guys said in our conversation, it helped get my point across better than I usually can, I'm no good at putting what I'm really thinking into words...so thanks


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

GreenEyes said:


> His reasoning is that babysitters are too expensive to get all the time so we can go out together, and once the oldest is old enough to watch the other and herself, we can go out all the time together, and also that we need to learn how to have fun without the other


Seriously wrong thinking on the part of the man here along with the opposite of leadership. Ask him nicely to make plans to take you out (like he is supposed to be doing) and offer to help him with the budget for babysitting. I think you both might be surprise how much better you feel about each other after you follow thought with this.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Seriously wrong thinking on the part of the man here along with the opposite of leadership. Ask him nicely to make plans to take you out (like he is supposed to be doing) and offer to help him with the budget for babysitting. I think you both might be surprise how much better you feel about each other after you follow thought with this.


Yes, I don't like that excuse much....we do go out together _a lot_ and when we do we always have so much fun...and really we don't see each other much, we do once he gets a few drinks in him and gets on the dance floor, but I don't need any alcohol to be out there LOL that's the first place I head when we get there  

I posted an update this morning though that we had kinda worked through why he was going out so much and I feel comfortable that with some minor changes on my part, that I agree need to happen, things will go a lot better in that department


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> I posted an update this morning though that we had kinda worked through why he was going out so much and I feel comfortable that with some minor changes on my part, that I agree need to happen, things will go a lot better in that department


What's changed? What dd you guys talk about? Just curious because it seems like a quick fix for what sounded like a big problem. Maybe it was the breakthrough heart to heart you guys needed, though. I hope so.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> What's changed? What dd you guys talk about? Just curious because it seems like a quick fix for what sounded like a big problem. Maybe it was the breakthrough heart to heart you guys needed, though. I hope so.


It was a heart to heart haha...I really had no idea that he was going out just to be around his friends and people that wanted to be around him because he thought I didn't want to be, that explains why every time I would ask if he was going out he would say no why do you want me to? He said if we are spending time together he's not going to go anywhere without me  I just thought he didn't want me around, it turned out to kinda be a big misunderstanding on both our parts, he just never expresses his feelings about things...he's a doer not a talker I suppose...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> It was a heart to heart haha... I just thought he didn't want me around, it turned out to kinda be a big misunderstanding on both our parts, he just never expresses his feelings about things...he's a doer not a talker I suppose...



I hope for your sake that this is really the case and that he isn't misleading you. Given that you posted about a secret email account and the woman from the gym, I'd say you should be careful and make sure he isn't just trying to cover his tracks or anything. Hopefully, this is all honesty and transparency, but stay vigilant (but not paranoid or jealous) anyway. My WH started being very nice to me when I confronted him about his behavior and I just rug-swept my doubts, but then when I found out there was a lot he didn't tell me, he changed his tune really quickly. Just be careful. Glad you guys had a heart to heart, though. Hopefully, it helped!


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> I hope for your sake that this is really the case and that he isn't misleading you. Given that you posted about a secret email account and the woman from the gym, I'd say you should be careful and make sure he isn't just trying to cover his tracks or anything. Hopefully, this is all honesty and transparency, but stay vigilant (but not paranoid or jealous) anyway. My WH started being very nice to me when I confronted him about his behavior and I just rug-swept my doubts, but then when I found out there was a lot he didn't tell me, he changed his tune really quickly. Just be careful. Glad you guys had a heart to heart, though. Hopefully, it helped!


Unfortunately, you were right...he went out again Friday night without me...said he had been cooped up in the house all week, because he's been laid off work, and he needed to get out and relax... :rofl: ..........so here's to heart to hearts :toast:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So what now? What will you do? You see who he is and what he does, so what now? Talking about it isn't helping.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> So what now? What will you do? You see who he is and what he does, so what now? Talking about it isn't helping.


Nope, it's not...and right now, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I"m going to do....As of right now all I've really done is disconnect myself from him, again....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Will you repeat the cycle? Or just live like this...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Will you repeat the cycle? Or just live like this...


All I know is that it will take me a few days to think about what it is I want to do or say because right now I have no words, I don't even know what I would say, I said what I needed to say Friday night, so he knows where we stand with it...


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