# Husband not wanting sex



## shinycat (Oct 14, 2016)

I have been having almost the same problem!! Ours sort of started right off the bat, and it's changed a little over the years. Initially, the problem was a porn "addiction." Basically there was just no sexual energy left for me. My husband travels with work sometimes, so if I go see him on the road, everything is perfect. When he's home...we're like room mates. We cuddle, maybe get around to having sex once every 2 weeks or sometimes once a month (lately). So, the past year or two, he's told me that his main issue is that our bedroom is messy. And it is....I can't deny that. I'm really not a great house keeper, I used to try much more, but have slowly given up for various reasons (depression, him coming home and making a mess, not caring because we're never intimate so what's the point). So...I'm pretty irritated with this, but I at least have something to work with on my end. It took us a lot of talking to figure that out (or he knew and finally fessed up). Could there be any subconscious issue on his part? Or Could it be a lack of confidence? How often do you initiate? Maybe he's into stuff that he is uncomfortable talking about? We got past that once, and things were super fun for a while.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I moved your post to a thread of your own so that you can get input specifically for you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a thread on the topic of women in a sex starved marriage. Read at least the first few pages of the thread. 

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

The books listed in the above thread should give you a lot of info that will help you.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is a common pattern - effects men and women. I think you will see three basic types of comments:

1). Sometimes (often) a lack of interest in sex is a symptom of another problem. Then I think the approach is to think really carefully about what the other cause migth be.

2) Sometime your partner doesn't want sex with *you*. Could be appearance, personality, or possibly you aren't the gender that they actually prefer.

3). They are just not into sex at all. There is lots of disagreement on how common this is, but it certainly does exist, several of us are in long term relationships with partners who simply do not want much sex, and nothing will change that. 


There is a tendency for everyone to read posts and map onto their own experiences - and of course I do the same. Since I live with someone with minimal interest in sex, and who behaves like your spouse, I tend to think #3 is your problem. If so, no amount of house cleaning, confidence building, sexy dressing, etc will make any difference at all. In this situation your choices are leave, cheat, or live like a nun. None are good. 

People with other experiences will suggest other things.


----------



## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Unless you are a hoarder and you room is so cluttered you can barely walk I'm not buying his excuse. Most men don't care where they have sex as long as they are having sex. Have you tried having sex in another room? There are probably other issues but he doesn't want to tell you. Does he have ED issues? Performance anxiety? Low T count? Resentment? Not attracted to you? Clean your bedroom so that excuse is out the window. Hopefully his desire for sex will increase. If it doesn't then you know it wasn't the bedroom.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

shinycat said:


> I have been having almost the same problem!! Ours sort of started right off the bat, and it's changed a little over the years. Initially, the problem was a porn "addiction." Basically there was just no sexual energy left for me. My husband travels with work sometimes, so if I go see him on the road, everything is perfect. When he's home...we're like room mates. We cuddle, maybe get around to having sex once every 2 weeks or sometimes once a month (lately). So, the past year or two, he's told me that his main issue is that our bedroom is messy. And it is....I can't deny that. I'm really not a great house keeper, I used to try much more, but have slowly given up for various reasons (depression, him coming home and making a mess, not caring because we're never intimate so what's the point). So...I'm pretty irritated with this, but I at least have something to work with on my end. It took us a lot of talking to figure that out (or he knew and finally fessed up). Could there be any subconscious issue on his part? Or Could it be a lack of confidence? How often do you initiate? Maybe he's into stuff that he is uncomfortable talking about? We got past that once, and things were super fun for a while.


Like others have noted, there is obviously much more going on than he is indicating. To me, it sounds like an excuse of convenience. Most likely, he is not comfortable talking about it. He might be embarrassed or afraid to hurt your feelings/cause an argument.

Definitely remove the dirty bedroom from being an issue, which puts him out there for initiating with some responsibility. It then gets tricky. As I said, he is already feeling uncomfortable about it, so this might put him on the spot. We have to ebb and flow with comfort, but that does not mean to run from discomfort. If you are empathetic>sympathetic, it will help to keep him at ease. Perhaps, he will give another excuse ITT or NRN (too tired, not right now). Give it some time and then you can push on the issue. Again, if you begin with empathy>sympathy, he will be more at ease and inclined to open up. If you are "the victim" of his actions (lack thereof), then it can precipitate blame being cast. At best, that is late-stage advice.

Best,
RT


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wouldn't buy into the housework for sex line. I've seen it too many times. But there is your business trip success as evidence that environment really could be a factor for him. Of course there are a lot of environmental factors. No kids, new and exciting place, different bed, someone else paid to clean up after you Restaurant meal, alcohol, and so on. 

But hey! you do get a clean room. It's not all bad.


----------



## Imissmywife (Jan 29, 2016)

I agree that a sloppy house is a major turn off. Among other things (you can read my other posts) a sloppy home is a direct reflection on how you truly feel about your husband. It seems you're a stay at home wife (not sure) and you husband travels for work. I do the same. When I'm away, or we are away on vacation or something, things are ok. But when I come home from a trip and see that out bedroom is cluttered with boxes, papers, files, stuff......and two of the other bedrooms are unusable because of junk stored there (for YEARS), I just want to turn around and go back to work. We can't host company overnight because of unusable bedrooms.

A sloppy house reflects poorly on your husband, and is a huge blow to his self worth/esteem.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

"sloppy" covers a wide range. It can be yesterday's socks on the floor, or last month's pizza on the floor. 

If that is really the only problem, its easy to fix, but I doubt it really is the problem. 



Imissmywife said:


> I agree that a sloppy house is a major turn off. Among other things (you can read my other posts) a sloppy home is a direct reflection on how you truly feel about your husband. It seems you're a stay at home wife (not sure) and you husband travels for work. I do the same. When I'm away, or we are away on vacation or something, things are ok. But when I come home from a trip and see that out bedroom is cluttered with boxes, papers, files, stuff......and two of the other bedrooms are unusable because of junk stored there (for YEARS), I just want to turn around and go back to work. We can't host company overnight because of unusable bedrooms.
> 
> A sloppy house reflects poorly on your husband, and is a huge blow to his self worth/esteem.


----------

