# Not sure what it means.



## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

My wife does a lot of stuff that seems weird to me and when I ask her about it she says she doesn't know or get all cryptic.
So I've joined this site to hopefully gain some insight little by little.
what I'd like to talk about today is the fact when we go places she's always walking ahead of me or behind me. and always seems pissed. when we go to a store as soon as turn my head she's gone or were walking she just stops without saying anything and I'm still walking till look back and don't see here.

the other day we were in wally world and stopped to look at a tshirt. she whizzed by and disappeared around a corner. i hadnt been looking at the shirt for more than 30 seconds but she was gone. I look for her for a good 20 minute in the general area. When I did finder her she pretended that she was looking for me. but I didn't go anywhere.


No I have asked her and talked to her about and all I get is either an "IDK" or some other lame excuse
Please no silly question about why I'm talking about it now. I just recently stumbled this anonymous forum so here I am.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Has she always done this?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Sounds like she doesn't enjoy your company and doesn't want to be seen with you. It's not obvious?


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Sounds like she doesn't enjoy your company and doesn't want to be seen with you. It's not obvious?


That's exactly what is seems like to me but she says it's not the case.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Cubby said:


> Has she always done this?


She's been doing it for the last 7 or 8 years.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> That's exactly what is seems like to me but she says it's not the case.


It's never what a person says but what a person does that you should be paying close attention to.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How does she treat you at home? Do you have sex often? 7 or 8 years of this??? She hasn't liked you for a really long time. It's just now starting to bother you?


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> How does she treat you at home? Do you have sex often? 7 or 8 years of this??? She hasn't liked you for a really long time. It's just now starting to bother you?


Home life sucks sex is about once a week maybe. And it always bothered me, that's beside the point.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Sounds like something is definitely up with your W. Her behavior suggests that she wants to be by herself, regardless of what she says. My W is queen of IDK herself and it drives me crazy.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> Home life sucks sex is about once a week maybe. And it always bothered me, that's beside the point.


It's not besides the point. It's what brought you here. It's very relevant to you, as I'm sure you don't want this behavior to continue, right?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If your home life sucks with her, it's going to suck outside of the house too. Maybe you could work on that first... your home life that is.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Nix said:


> Sounds like something is definitely up with your W. Her behavior suggests that she wants to be by herself, regardless of what she says. My W is queen of IDK herself and it drives me crazy.


This sounds about right i keep hearing her say shes by hersely. And i ask why she feels that way again I get the. IDK. I do my best to communicate but all I get from her is "idk, i don't understand, i dont remember and what ever she can do to get out of the conversation. We went to counceling but all she does is outright lie and use the IDK i dont remember line. I cant see how she can say she by herself when do my best to help around the house and with kids even though i work 15best hrs most days. So you are probably right. She wants to be by herself she just do want to admit it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your wife doesn't want help with the housework and the kids as much as you think. I mean that's nice and all but that's got NOTHING to do with her emotionally. Where's your emotional connection to HER? Date nights? Romance? Do you even know who she is? There's more to marriage than just sex, kids and housework.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Do you ever do anything romantic together? Just give a hug to each other and a I love you, a compliment? Go out?

Can't speak for your wife but I lose interest in sex if I don't get any romantic attention.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The IDK response is a real killer. But, it expunges the person who says it from taking responsibility for their actions. That's what your wife is doing.

However, forget what she is saying. Look at the behavior. That will tell you what she is thinking. And I agree with A Bit Much ... Do you think you could do something more to connect with your wife on an emotional level?


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Your wife doesn't want help with the housework and the kids as much as you think. I mean that's nice and all but that's got NOTHING to do with her emotionally. Where's your emotional connection to HER? Date nights? Romance? Do you even know who she is? There's more to marriage than just sex, kids and housework.


If life was so simple. Very few date nights because rarly feels like it and of dhe does shed abrasive and complaini the whole time. If i set up a romantic gettaway she either act like she got a head ache or does everything because she can to not make it on time or as late as possible no matter how well planned out or spontaneous i get the same result.

As possble
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> If life was so simple. Very few date nights because rarly feels like it and of dhe does shed abrasive and complaini the whole time. If i set up a romantic gettaway she either act like she got a head ache or does everything because she can to not make it on time or as late as possible no matter how well planned out or spontaneous i get the same result.
> 
> As possble
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Life CAN be that simple. The issue is that for 7-8 years now, little to nothing has really been done about the situation. So yeah, now it will seem like it's forced. Maybe around the 1st or 2nd year this was a lot easier to fix. Now you have to really dig in. She's gotten to the point where she can't stand you.

You two need to get into some counseling or something. That is if she's even interested in staying married. She may be only there for the kids at this point. You need to find out what she wants. Go home and ask her directly. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, FROM THIS MARRIAGE? I NEED TO KNOW TODAY.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Thebes said:


> Do you ever do anything romantic together? Just give a hug to each other and a I love you, a compliment? Go out?
> 
> Can't speak for your wife but I lose interest in sex if I don't get any romantic attention.


I normaly am very affectionate well i use to be. She usually pulls away or reacts like an abused child like im about to hit her or something she seems to think imalways up to something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Magnus, I hate to say this, but it appears that she is harboring some big time resentment towards you - and - you make her skin crawl. Sorry dude.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Magnus, I hate to say this, but it appears that she is harboring some big time resentment towards you - and - you make her skin crawl. Sorry dude.


Not sure why. I never hit her. I never cheated on her (She did)
Im not an argumentive person not passive agressive im educated i make good money if we have any money issuses at all it's a something she did. At any rate every suggestion all of you had ive done at least thrice or moreso it seems like divorce is the next best option for everyone. Thanks for your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> Not sure why. I never hit her. I never cheated on her (She did)
> Im not an argumentive person not passive agressive im educated i make good money if we have any money issuses at all it's a something she did. At any rate every suggestion all of you had ive done at least thrice or moreso it seems like divorce is the next best option for everyone. Thanks for your time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You sound like you don't know anything about her. She cheated too? Oh boy. There's a whole lot more to this story. And rugsweeping may be at the root of it all.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

I realy dont know anything about her. She has changed into a person that i dont really know and aint trying to let me know her either. Rug sweeping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

I guess im looking for a magic sentence that would automatically tell me whats up and be dont with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

magnus22001 said:


> Not sure why. I never hit her. I never cheated on her (She did)
> Im not an argumentive person not passive agressive im educated i make good money if we have any money issuses at all it's a something she did. At any rate every suggestion all of you had ive done at least thrice or moreso it seems like divorce is the next best option for everyone. Thanks for your time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How long have you been married?
When did she cheat on you? How many years had you been married?
How long was her affair?
How old is she, you?


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Weve been married for 18the years and she cheated a year after we were married. Unkown how long the affair was and not sure if she cheated since then.
She 36
Me 38
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

If everything was good at home I would just say the disappearing act when out together was just a quirk. However, this is a really bad symptom of much deeper problems. Basically, she just doesn't want to be seen with you or be around you. The IDKs are ways to evade the problem, which has worked for 7 - 8 years. I'm sorry, but at this point I'd say it's one of two things. 

Either you are a meal ticket to a lifestyle that she likes. Is she a SAHM? Do you make significantly more than her? Does she have a lot of free time? You even do a lot around the house. She make like her life, but not especially want you. If you are working 15 hr. days, then she doesn't really have to spend much time with you anyways.

Or, she is having an affair.

Either way, even if it is something else, you need to get decide what you will accept. I don't think anyone should accept this treatment (home or out). She needs to show you respect and affection for it to be a real marriage.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

That all makes sense but she doesn't show any of the conventional signs that you mentioned. Witch doesnt mean she's not cheating just means she's gotten smarter about it. At this point i cant put anything past her. Even though she isnt tech savy and only goes to work and church buy shes always got a church meeting and female pastor seems to call her 10 times a day as late as afyer midnight so yeah i suspect somethings amis because theres always meeting she has to go to. Its sad that someone would use church for that but its the world we live in. Im not as much as a fool as i sound. Shes a slick one anytime i say anything about it she gets almost violently cursin mad at the point she start pushing for a physica confrontation in front of the kids. So instead of followinh her up i back down for the sake of the kids and of course my freedom and career. The cops he always take to guy to jail unless hes got a knife hanging out of him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> If everything was good at home I would just say the disappearing act when out together was just a quirk. However, this is a really bad symptom of much deeper problems. Basically, she just doesn't want to be seen with you or be around you. The IDKs are ways to evade the problem, which has worked for 7 - 8 years. I'm sorry, but at this point I'd say it's one of two things.
> 
> Either you are a meal ticket to a lifestyle that she likes. Is she a SAHM? Do you make significantly more than her? Does she have a lot of free time? You even do a lot around the house. She make like her life, but not especially want you. If you are working 15 hr. days, then she doesn't really have to spend much time with you anyways.
> 
> ...


At this point its apearant that your right. It's time to move on. Shell be living the same lifestyle any with my allomony and child support but no need me hanging around in a an unwanted relationship. But im sure ill be jaded enough so it wont ever happen again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

magnus22001 said:


> That all makes sense but she doesn't show any of the conventional signs that you mentioned. Witch doesnt mean she's not cheating just means she's gotten smarter about it. At this point i cant put anything past her. Even though she isnt tech savy and only goes to work and church buy shes always got a church meeting and* female pastor seems to call her 10 times a day as late as afyer midnight* so yeah i suspect somethings amis because theres always meeting she has to go to. Its sad that someone would use church for that but its the world we live in. Im not as much as a fool as i sound. Shes a slick one anytime i say anything about it she gets almost violently cursin mad at the point she start pushing for a physica confrontation in front of the kids. So instead of followinh her up i back down for the sake of the kids and of course my freedom and career. The cops he always take to guy to jail unless hes got a knife hanging out of him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she is having an afair with the pastor?

I heard an interesting study done in Great Brittan recently. Don't know if she qualifies but..
Apparently women who have been on the birth control pill for 10 plus years, because of the long term hormones change to their bodies, they start to dislike the alpha male - to the point of contempt. Many of these women actually start to prefer females as partners. 

I thought it was an interesting study, like I said, don't know if she qualifies, but either way, I would look at the pastor


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> The IDK response is a real killer. But, it expunges the person who says it from taking responsibility for their actions. That's what your wife is doing.
> 
> However, forget what she is saying. Look at the behavior. That will tell you what she is thinking. And I agree with A Bit Much ... Do you think you could do something more to connect with your wife on an emotional level?


At this point the last Not sure what to think. the last two heart felt coversations I had with her seemed to fall on deaf ears. She just sat there Listen and didn't have anything to say. I get the deer in the headlights look or my favorite(the blank stare) usualy this means she boils over it and makes a come back wit one of three responses.

1. she comes out with the gloves on and starts a heated argument totally twisting every word that said and when I call her on it. She then she says she didn't understand and shuts down.

2. Acts like she didn't remember what I said at all or felt overwhelmed and then shuts down.

3. She tells me no man can tell her anything and she don't need me and she going to take the kids and leave and then shut down.

All three responses seem designed to skip around the issue at hand and pretend the conversation didn't happen

As far as I am concerned it seems like she don't care or cant be bothered to care about how I feel. 
So doubtful.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

that is defiantly a possibility, She never comes too my house when I'm home I hear it from the kids after I get home one thing for sure when that lady jumps she says how high My 7 year old had is karate graduation to the next belt. the pastor lady called her to come to a church meeting for the same time she told her she was going to my sons graduation and dinner with the family and the pastor responded" are you going yo turn you back on GOD"
That was the craziest thing that I've ever heard.
I'm also think maybe she's got a touch of Borderline personality disorder. she's defiantly shows the signs.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> At this point the last Not sure what to think. the last two heart felt coversations I had with her seemed to fall on deaf ears. She just sat there Listen and didn't have anything to say. I get the deer in the headlights look or my favorite(the blank stare) usualy this means she boils over it and makes a come back wit one of three responses.
> 
> 1. she comes out with the gloves on and starts a heated argument totally twisting every word that said and when I call her on it. She then she says she didn't understand and shuts down.
> 
> ...



This is where MC comes in. She wouldn't be able to get away with this stonewalling in that environment.

The thing with the Pastor? I'd deal with it directly and go to the source. She and I would be having a little 'talk'.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Like I said a few Hours back. In MC she just outright lies and when she locks up then she still never gives a straight answer seems to me she just plays on the MC emotions, telling them a bunch of stuff that aint true for instance I didn't want to do MC, when I'm the one who set the whole thing up or that she doesn't remember having important conversations (the ones she spaces out on). As for the Pastor maybe I should show up on her doorstep because. about 2 years before we move here before she met her things were starting to get better. 

The few times that I did me her and her husband she talk to him as if he was some type of hen-pecked loser with no balls. and he looked miserable. and now that I think of it wifey tries to talk to me like that I just don't let her and she gets aggressive when I call her on it.


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

I agree with everyone on this thread. My fiance doesnt like going out, but when he does come with me (for shopping of any kind) he definitely doesnt disappear he is always near me and we are always holding hands. We have been together for 3.5 years and are getting married in a few months, if your wife doesnt like to stay beside you for more than 2 seconds there is something going on, regardless of what she says if she cant stand to be seen with you that says something. She is being very difficult by not being open and honest with you. If she has a problem she should tell you about it and the fact that she doesnt makes her a coward, but its hurting you in the end. Maybe try writing her a letter or email with your deepest thoughts and sincere feelings about what is going on with your marriage and i dont know is not an answer and you will no longer accept it. Maybe taking a break or separating could make or break you but if she isnt giving you any kind of light to follow, not sure there is much more you can do?

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Sunshine Cadillac said:


> I agree with everyone on this thread. My fiance doesnt like going out, but when he does come with me (for shopping of any kind) he definitely doesnt disappear he is always near me and we are always holding hands. We have been together for 3.5 years and are getting married in a few months, if your wife doesnt like to stay beside you for more than 2 seconds there is something going on, regardless of what she says if she cant stand to be seen with you that says something. She is being very difficult by not being open and honest with you. If she has a problem she should tell you about it and the fact that she doesnt makes her a coward, but its hurting you in the end. Maybe try writing her a letter or email with your deepest thoughts and sincere feelings about what is going on with your marriage and i dont know is not an answer and you will no longer accept it. Maybe taking a break or separating could make or break you but if she isnt giving you any kind of light to follow, not sure there is much more you can do?
> 
> Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!


Thank you


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> Like I said a few Hours back. In MC she just outright lies and when she locks up then she still never gives a straight answer seems to me she just plays on the MC emotions, telling them a bunch of stuff that aint true for instance I didn't want to do MC, when I'm the one who set the whole thing up or that she doesn't remember having important conversations (the ones she spaces out on). As for the Pastor maybe I should show up on her doorstep because. about 2 years before we move here before she met her things were starting to get better.
> 
> The few times that I did me her and her husband she talk to him as if he was some type of hen-pecked loser with no balls. and he looked miserable. and now that I think of it wifey tries to talk to me like that I just don't let her and she gets aggressive when I call her on it.


If you walked out how do you think your wife would respond? That may be what needs to happen. Or you can go on another 7-8 years like this. I think she plans to stay until the children are old enough to be on their own, and she's going to bail on you. You know, keep walking one day when you're out together and not look back.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> If you walked out how do you think your wife would respond? That may be what needs to happen. Or you can go on another 7-8 years like this. I think she plans to stay until the children are old enough to be on their own, and she's going to bail on you. You know, keep walking one day when you're out together and not look back.


I'm sure she's play the victim and call my command again and tell them I left her with no money( mind you all the house bills are paid automatically via my bank account and she has a job) so when I leave I have to have my ducks in a row because because i can't afford to just move out and still pay all the bills at home and she deffinanlty not gonna budge. Im military with a fixed income no family near by no real friends and sleeping in my truck suck really bad.

As far as I'm concerned she's already bailed


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> I'm sure she's play the victim and call my command again and tell them I left her with no money( mind you all the house bills are paid automatically via my bank account and she has a job) so when I leave I have to have my ducks in a row because because i can't afford to just move out and still pay all the bills at home and she deffinanlty not gonna budge. the only smart thing i did was not buy a house with her so i could be paying on it for the rest of my life and not living in it.



Well it sounds to me like she's brilliant. Set for life so to speak. She's called your commander on you?

She cheated on you. She treats you like a second class citizen, and runs away from you in public (I'm shocked she goes out with you at all if she runs off). She lies in counseling and now has a strange relationship with some female pastor that threatens her with the Holy Ghost if she doesn't do what she says.

You have a real problem on your hands magnum. What do you want to do? Not what you should/can do, but what do you WANT to do?


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Well it sounds to me like she's brilliant. Set for life so to speak. She's called your commander on you?
> 
> She cheated on you. She treats you like a second class citizen, and runs away from you in public (I'm shocked she goes out with you at all if she runs off). She lies in counseling and now has a strange relationship with some female pastor that threatens her with the Holy Ghost if she doesn't do what she says.
> 
> You have a real problem on your hands magnum. What do you want to do? Not what you should/can do, but what do you WANT to do?


Brilliantl maybe she just knows how to play the system play me by my weakness my kid and my finances. I've
Talked to a lawyer he advised me to wait till she gets a better job but thats not gonna happen. To be honest if i werent for the fact that i was military i would have left already but they always take the spouses side of course so can look better if anything got too public. The least they could do is not charge me to live in the barraks till the divorce is over lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> Brilliantl maybe she just knows how to play the system play me by my weakness my kid and my finances. I've
> Talked to a lawyer he advised me to wait till she gets a better job but thats not gonna happen. To be honest if i werent for the fact that i was military i would have left already but they always take the spouses side of course so can look better if anything got too public. The least they could do is not charge me to live in the barraks till the divorce is over lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man I'm sorry. You do sound 'stuck'. And I do think she's brilliant. She hooked a good guy with a steady income and no out clause. 

They charge you to live in the barracks? Man that sucks!! What branch of service are you? My son just joined the Army (left for basic over a week ago).

Thank you for your service! If she doesn't appreciate you I do and I don't even know you.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Oh im not stuck just found out i may a cancer and i dont plan on treatment thats a situation where u need someone by ur side an i dont have that. At any rate it better than suicide
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

magnus22001 said:


> Oh im not stuck just found out i may a cancer and i dont plan on treatment thats a situation where u need someone by ur side an i dont have that. At any rate it better than suicide
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just found out today? Wow.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Now I'm concerned about you. When someone treats you this way over an extended period of time you start doubting your self worth. Not treating cancer? Your child needs a dad, especially with the mother he's got. You need to go to IC by yourself and get a handle on this. Please take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. I just think this woman has done a number on you.

Is she in some kind of cult?


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

magnus22001 how are you doing today? Are you doing okay?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

magnus22001 said:


> I normaly am very affectionate well i use to be. She usually pulls away or reacts like an abused child like im about to hit her or something she seems to think imalways up to something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was something said that hurt her very badly? Not saying you did just a thought. I know if my husband put his arms around me and told me he loved me we would be in the sack pronto even after things he has done and said.

I hate to say it but she may be tired of you or could she be cheating.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Thebes said:


> Was something said that hurt her very badly? Not saying you did just a thought. I know if my husband put his arms around me and told me he loved me we would be in the sack pronto even after things he has done and said.
> 
> I hate to say it but she may be tired of you or could she be cheating.


Probably a both


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I am guilty, I haven't read all the responses. And I am also guilty of having done this in the past to my partners. I'll walk into a store and off I go. It's like I am transfixed. My mind is on other things. I suspect I have a little bit of adult ADD; although not formally diagnosed and certainly not on any meds for it. In fact, I come to this message board during work hours because when I spend too much time on one project I go stir crazy. But I digress ---

Although it's likely that your wife just wants to do her thing and is completely selfish and self centered. I'm just throwing another possibility out there. 

But let's say she does have some sort of ADD going on. That can explain why she looked for you for a while before finding you even though you didn't move from that spot. She might not even have remembered where she left ya standing. 

Just another point of view..... from someone who has done this and not really knew exactly why. 

The way I was able to fix this with others going forward was to make sure we were holding hands. My adult leash, if you will.


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