# My wife just told me that she cheated on me a month ago



## rjake (Nov 25, 2011)

So my wife just told me that she had sex with someone a month ago at the club she was at with her sister. I know she feels bad about it and want to get help. I just can't get it out of my mind that she cheated and I don't know how to stop holding it over her and I don't know how I can trust her I really don't want to throw away 6 years but it seem like she did when she didn't think of me that night. She told me eveything that happin that night like how they made out on the dance floor to the fact that she told her sister that she was going home. And then she drove to the guy hotel room and let him have sex with her. It bothers me that during the time she said she thought about going home to me but just didn't. She didn't care about me at all that night or about your 6 years. I don't know what to do I really want to make my marrige work becouse I do love her but now I don't know if I could ever trust her again. One big problem I also have is that she was text him for 3 weeks after.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You won't trust her again, if you have no children I suggest you consider if you want to move forward or seperate. Regardless of what you do it will take a long time to get over this. How did you find out about the affair , did she tell you if so why?

Does her sister know , if not call her and tell her the truth.

A lesson for you , why would a married man let his wife go to a club without you knowing men hit on woman and are looking for sex. Your wife has poor boundaries you in turn are either naive or are happy to let your wife be in the company of other men .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Eww...she had sex at the club? So this is some dirty moment? 

Get tested for STDs....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her sister and family - expose her so she can't rewrite history and make you look like the bad guy.

Is this the only guy the only time? Clearly she's been connecting with him for weeks, so she obviously wasn't that guilty feeling. they may have hooked again already, or have future plans to.

First thing - she has lost all freedom to go out to clubs or elsewhere without your permission.

Get checked for STDs, even if she tells you he used a condom, she already lied about being faithful, she'll lie and lie and lie more.

You're worried about holding this over her? - Wrong attitude. You should be asking her, "why should I let you stay, and what are YOU going to do to fix this? What is she going to do to make you want to accept a lying cheater back into your life. Because right now, she's out - she needs to earn her way back into your life.

Right now you can't trust her, and you shouldn't. She hasn't done anything to show she can be trusted, in fact her actions prove without a doubt that she can't be trusted.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

rjake said:


> So my wife just told me that she had sex with someone a month ago at the club she was at with her sister. I know she feels bad about it and want to get help. I just can't get it out of my mind that she cheated and I don't know how to stop holding it over her and I don't know how I can trust her I really don't want to throw away 6 years but it seem like she did when she didn't think of me that night. She told me eveything that happin that night like how they made out on the dance floor to the fact that she told her sister that she was going home. And then she drove to the guy hotel room and let him have sex with her. It bothers me that during the time she said she thought about going home to me but just didn't. She didn't care about me at all that night or about your 6 years. I don't know what to do I really want to make my marrige work becouse I do love her but now I don't know if I could ever trust her again. One big problem I also have is that she was text him for 3 weeks after.



Any kids?

Dont have sex with her yet. Both of you need to get tested for a full panel of STDs.

Dont have sex with her till you know she's not pregnant. A baby at this time makes everything messier. And you'll not know who the father is.

Get the OM's info -- phone number, name, address, if married, etc. 

Start canceling any joint bank accounts, credit cards. Do not take on a debts or loans with her. Secure and hide your assets.


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## rjake (Nov 25, 2011)

We do not have children and she told me becouse she said it was making her sick. 
And her sister knew before me but right now us 3 are the only people that know about it. 

I trusted her and thought she need so a girls night out. I do think she a really bad boundaries.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, get the OM's name and phone number and find out if her married. Your cheating wife has been in contact with him for weeks now, she no doubt knows a lot about him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A girls night out with married women shouldn't consist of a club where people go to hook up.

Just imo, and your wife not only has boundary issues, but she went there probably looking for something as well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rjake said:


> We do not have children and she told me becouse she said it was making her sick.
> And her sister knew before me but right now us 3 are the only people that know about it.
> 
> I trusted her and thought she need so a girls night out. I do think she a really bad boundaries.


If she is sick, then why is she been in contact with him for three weeks? Sorry, this isn't a one night stand, it's her starting a relationship with a scum bag in a club and having sex on her first date with him.


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## rjake (Nov 25, 2011)

What is OB?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rjake said:


> What is OB?


OM = Other man


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## rjake (Nov 25, 2011)

Thanks I really like what you said


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## rjake (Nov 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> OM = Other man


She show me her phone after see delete him from it and does now know his number


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> A girls night out with married women shouldn't consist of a club where people go to hook up.
> 
> Just imo, and your wife not only has boundary issues, but she went there probably looking for something as well.


:iagree:

She went out looking to validate that she still attractive at the least. Discovered that men find her attractive and want to have sex with her, and she did it.

What was your sex life with her before this occured?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rjake said:


> She show me her phone after see delete him from it and does now know his number


No problem - follow up with her cell phone company.


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## rjake (Nov 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> No problem - follow up with her cell phone company.


what am i going to do once i get that info talk to him?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rjake said:


> what am i going to do wants i get that info talk to him


You're not going to talk to him. You are going to use his name and his number to find out about him. Hire a PI if you have to, but first try one of the many online people finders. 

You are going to find out if playboy has a wife or girlfriend. If he does you are going to reach out and share the fact that he is cheating with your wife.

this is called exposure and it will help prevent him fishing after your wife for more sex from her. BTW, he knows he's got someone in your wife that will put out for him, so he's gonna be back several times on the prowl looking to hookup again.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

The day after Thanksgiving, how cold is that.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

6 years is a long time. But the next 50 years or so are going to be a lot longer and harder, knowing what she is capable of. 

No Kids!!! Cut your losses and move on.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

rjake said:


> She show me her phone after see delete him from it and does now know his number



Do the phone numbers show up on your cell phone bill?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I wonder why she confessed now. Perhaps her sister advised/threatened her to?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

aug said:


> I wonder why she confessed now. Perhaps her sister advised/threatened her to?


Or she's pregnant.

I hate to be dramatic, but a month later? hmmmm....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

aug said:


> I wonder why she confessed now. Perhaps her sister advised/threatened her to?


Agree , why did she confess? Does she know someone else or her sister would have told her husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I agree with the others that a club isn't the place for a married woman unless she's with her spouse. When my group of friends and I get together we'll usually have dinner, do some shopping, go see a movie or something along those lines. I'm not a clubbing type of person anyway, but my husband and I will go a few times a year. The only thing you're going to find in a club or bar is trouble. 

I however, will not jump to the possibility of her being pregnant, although it is possible, you've got enough to deal without worrying about this too. Unless she tells you otherwise, I wouldn't worry myself sick about her possibly being pregnant.

As far as the cheating, it depends on the type of personality that you have on whether you'll ever be able to let it go regardless of how remorseful she is and the steps she takes to try to regain your trust. I am more along the lines of the jealous type and cheating would make me extremely insecure. I know that I'd never be able to let it go completely. Your wife acted in a very childish and inappropriate way and it's not something to take lightly.

I agree with the others about wondering why she confessed now? If it wasn't because her sister threatened her or she's pregnant, than that's a good thing. At least it shows that she does have a guilty concious and is remorseful and has more respect for you than to just hide it. That shows how much she does care, because honestly without her being pregnant or her sister telling you, would have ever found out? Quite possibly not. Admitting that you have committed such a horrible offense against your spouse takes a lot of guts (not saying that her past behavior was admirable), but at least she came clean with you without you forcing it out of her or someone else outting her. 

I'd seek counseling for the two of you. Unlike the others I don't think that you should just run because you two don't have kids together yet. Six years is a long time invested in a relationship, and if you're not ready to just end it, it's worth trying to overcome her hurt. If you chose to stay, make clear boundries, she must become completely transparent and I'd be hesitant about her going out with her sister. Although her sister didn't know she was going to that guys motel room, she had to of known that she making out with him at the club. A good sibling or friend would've stopper her from doing something so disasterous to her marriage. Before everyone jumps on me, NO, I'm not saying that it's her sister's fault at all, but I do think her sister should of tried to stop it. Yes, she's a grown adult that chose to make this mistake, the people you're havning out with have a direct impact on your actions as well.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Tell her sister and family - expose her so she can't rewrite history and make you look like the bad guy.
> 
> Is this the only guy the only time? Clearly she's been connecting with him for weeks, so she obviously wasn't that guilty feeling. they may have hooked again already, or have future plans to.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I really have to doubt that this is the first time she's done this, and on top of that she kept in contact with him. This goes beyond a ONS booty call - its an affair now. 

Then there's the timing of the whole thing. This was allegedly a month ago. The first thing you learn about these things is that people who cheat, lie and minimize what they've done. It's called Trickle Truth. You need to get the bottom of this now. She may be pregnant or just missed her period. BTW, when people have affair sex or ONS, they very rarely use any protection. Especially since she banged a scumbag who picks up women at bars, so you definitely need to get screened for STDs. Her keeping in contact with an alleged ONS (One Night Stand) is a huge red flag, and may indicate further hook ups with this guy that you don't know about. 

And you had better change that attitude real quick about not throwing it in her face. This is serious business, because trust and the marriage has been destroyed. You simply can't act like business as usual and simply sweep this under the rug. It doesn't work that way and it will eat at you and eat at you for years and years until this is resolved. Is she trying to get you to sweep this under the rug and forget this happened? If so, she's unrepentant and unremorseful about this. Because now you know that you have a WW who picks up men at clubs and bangs them in hotel rooms. 

R is extremely difficult to do when both partners are giving 100% and you're looking at 2-5 years of difficult recovery. Most people will only do that amount of work if children are involved. You have no children with her yet. Seriously think about this. Is this the kind of woman that you want as a mother of your kids? What if after you've invested more years of your life and have children down the road, she continues to cheat? 

In this type of situation, I would have to say you need to cut your losses and divorce her. You're young enough to start again and find a woman who will honor her vows, not spit on them by picking up dudes in bars and banging them. Be thankful you don't have kids with her yet...and I say yet because you don't know if she's suddenly pregnant or not.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Get tested for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as kind as you have been? Her actions indicate that she has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do you feel lucky and special that she is your wife? See a lawyer and move on and find someone who can really love you and respect what it means to be married in a committed relationship. Your current wife is not this person. Such ****ty behavior to a husband waiting at home.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aug said:


> I wonder why she confessed now. Perhaps her sister advised/threatened her to?


I agree, there is some reason (being not her consciensce or feeling of guilt) for her to decide to confess this now, likely someone such as her sister, or maybe the OMW (other man's wife) was threatening to tell you the truth. This is the part that is so infuriating about affairs because it is so decisive, the person you thought was honest and trustworthy is completely deceptive, remorseless and dishonest, and has even justified their behavior in their own mind somehow. Trickle-truth is a very real and common phenomenon among cheaters, they will NEVER let it all slip out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm thinking missed period, plus the OM dumped her when she told him == I'm feeling guilt, please take care of me?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Two possibilities: 1) it's 100% Bullsh^t. 2) She's cheated quite a bit and this is one time she's afraid she'll get or has been caught with. If it's 1, then she's pushing your buttons to get you to do something. If it's 2 then she's trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Depending on your emotional state, you may want to consider requesting your employer a few days off so that you can consult with a health professional to help you get a grip on your emotions which may be all over the place. As well as going to have yourself checked out for STDs.

We have gone through the ordeal that you are going through at this moment. You are not alone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jake, sorry you're here....Im getting by with one simble thought that I understand that my wifes moral compass is not reading true.
What I mean here is that I understand that I know why my wife slept around and I also understand the difference between our marriage and her behavior.

See these are two different issues. We may have had a crappy marriage, but it was our wive's choice to screw around. We can work on our marriage, but we have no control over our wives behavior. So until our chicks can fix them selves then there is no way to prevent this from happening again.

BTW, if she blame her cheating on the marriage, then she isn't fixed and it will happen again....years from now....trust me!!!!!!!!

Bottom line here is that I hope you see my point.....it is her moral compass that is broken. The marriage has nothing to do with it. If it wasn't you, she still would have cheated on her man.

My best advise is to see if she is wlling to do the haevy lifting to fix her self in preventing this from ever happening again in *her* marriage.

Until she understands why she did not have the boundries that could have prevented this from happening, then it realy doesn't matter how sh!tty or how awsome of a husband you can be she has that negitive behavior......the lack of a moral compass that would have told her that it was wrong!

I put astiricts around her, b/c if you do leave she will conitnue with this behavior with her next guy. 

This has nothing to do with the current marriage, it is all about her moral compass...her boundries your wife doesn't have.

Granted infidelity can be a biproduct of a problematic marriage, the wayward makes the choice to sleep around. That choice is sloely on the wayward dicision.....the crappy marriage is just the excuse for thier unhealthy choices to commit adultory.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

rjake - realize that your wife chose to end your marriage. She knew she was ending when she chose to cheat.

Repeat: She chose to cheat, she chose to end your marriage.

You did not get a vote on ending it. It was decided and done by her.

You now get a vote: Do you want to remarry this cheating liar your are with? Do you want to once again waste your heart, love, and trust one a woman who willingly let another man take her to his room and use her? 

Does this piss you off? It should, the answer should be No - I don't want to take her back.

Now, it's up to her to change your mind. To change it from "leave my life and die alone you cheating b#$ch" to "ok, I will give you another chance, even though you easily threw away my love once before"

Understand most men would not give her a second chance. Most men would tell her to just walk away and die.

You are in power and get to decide: Does that cheating woman you are unfortunately married to get a second chance. If you answer no - then dump her in the gutter where she belongs. If you answer yes -then make her walk through hot coals to earn back a place in your life.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ten-to-one, this is the only time she is ADMITTING this. She may have gotten an STD from him, possibly gotten pregnant, or she realized that there was too much evidence for her to keep this a secret- or he may have dumped her, she got psycho on him and he threatened to tell you, so she had to come clean. Could be any number of reasons she told you. She is "trickle truthing" you.

The fact is, she now has the toxic idea in her head that she can get another man just like that, and eventually, she will get one that she believes is a better catch, and then she'll leave you.

Face it-criminals don't confess out of remorse. They only confess because they know that the jig is up, or they are trying to plea bargain.


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