# Need advice to have a long success in my marriage



## Juve779

I met my beautiful wife in college. I think she is the most beautiful woman in this world and I love everything she does for me. We dated for 3 years before getting married. We have had good times,but also bad times. Recently I have been afraid of loosing my job. I had my performance review at work and did not get to be promoted. Financially we are doing ok, but if I get a promotion at work I feel I would feel less stress. I feel that we fight sometimes because of the uncertainty at my current job and I take my frustration on her. If anyone has an advice or had a similar situation please help me as I want to have a successful marriage for years to come! Thank you.


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## PBear

My advice... Find better ways to deal with your stress, instead of taking it out on your wife. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Yep, find better ways of dealing with your stress. 

Go for a walk, run, bike ride, bungee jump.. Something. Find things that you really like that use up energy and get good brain chemicals flowing. See if there is a physical kind of activity that she would like to do with you.

List to calming music… Take up yoga, tai chi

Go job hunting… start looking for a new job. Get promoted into a new job, new company. Be proactive.

While still at work talk to your boss and ask him/her to help you succeed. What do you need to do to improve your performance? Then do it. Take on a tough project or a pet project of your boss’s.. Something extra.

Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”, read them and do what they suggest you do.

Date your wife. Do not ever stop dating her. Dates don’t mean spending big money. They mean spending time together just the two of you …. At least 15 hours a week. (His Needs, Her Needs talks about this in detail.)

Would you get frustrated with a friend or someone at work and fight with them? Would you treat them like that? The single most important relationship in your life is you wife. Treat the relationship like that. Treat her like that. Show more respect and caring to her then you would to anyone else. This means not more taking your frustrations out on her.
There’s a few ideas.


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## norajane

It might also help if you are not the sole breadwinner. If your wife had a job, that would take some of the financial pressure off you and make your family finances considerably stronger.


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## anotherguy

Its hard. I have a personal belief that financial and job stresses anduncertainty are the most frequent relationship killers out there. Just to put my bias out in front.

What, exactly, is hard - is that you start to lose perspective on what is important. Your relationship is far and away more important than your job. Its a lifetime thing. It shouldnt feel like a burden and your home should feel like a sanctuary and a place of healing. Pretty words, right? Hear me out.

I have an aunt of mine who has been married forever. They are, I must say, dirt poor. Haaaaaaapy, happy, great people. Always laughing, always kind. Sure I beet they have very hard times too - but what is clear to me is that they have a great marriage and I bet they leanon each other easily.

I also know a couple of spectaculaly rich couples. I mean multiplle private jets rich - and one of those couples is angry and never happy and bitter.

Anecdotal bull$#it, I know... but Im trying to make a point that even though it doesnt feel that way - how we live our lives and how we treat our spouces and how we see the world is in very large measure a choice.

I think you could find some ways to manage your stress - and talking more with yur spouse to use her as a resource for helping with your problem rather than a target for negative venting may pay off for you both. She, I wil bet, would get reassurance that you trust and value her and her oppinions - and you may get valuable feedback in return hopefully not to mention a transition of your home live into a place of recovery rather than conflict.

Make a concious decision to recruit her help. Dont be afraid, ask. She wants to help I guarantee it. You both need to be on the same team - and if you can get both of you closer to being on the same side together - you are going to be much better off.

I know Im babling a bit, but when I read stories like this I cant help but feel that both of you want the same things its just that it has gotten mixed up and you wind up fighting against each other rather than helpng each other. Fix that.


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## Juve779

Thank you for your advice, I have been exercising since Monday and it has helped me feel less stressed out. I have been applying for jobs as well and I have been doing much better at my work. My wife and I are not arguing either. I am going to keep excercising and keep positive about my job situation.




EleGirl said:


> Yep, find better ways of dealing with your stress.
> 
> Go for a walk, run, bike ride, bungee jump.. Something. Find things that you really like that use up energy and get good brain chemicals flowing. See if there is a physical kind of activity that she would like to do with you.
> 
> List to calming music… Take up yoga, tai chi
> 
> Go job hunting… start looking for a new job. Get promoted into a new job, new company. Be proactive.
> 
> While still at work talk to your boss and ask him/her to help you succeed. What do you need to do to improve your performance? Then do it. Take on a tough project or a pet project of your boss’s.. Something extra.
> 
> Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”, read them and do what they suggest you do.
> 
> Date your wife. Do not ever stop dating her. Dates don’t mean spending big money. They mean spending time together just the two of you …. At least 15 hours a week. (His Needs, Her Needs talks about this in detail.)
> 
> Would you get frustrated with a friend or someone at work and fight with them? Would you treat them like that? The single most important relationship in your life is you wife. Treat the relationship like that. Treat her like that. Show more respect and caring to her then you would to anyone else. This means not more taking your frustrations out on her.
> There’s a few ideas.


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## Ikaika

Juve779 said:


> Thank you for your advice, I have been exercising since Monday and it has helped me feel less stressed out. I have been applying for jobs as well and I have been doing much better at my work. My wife and I are not arguing either. I am going to keep excercising and keep positive about my job situation.



This is really good, remember, fight through it even on days when you feel like working out. Keeping letting us know how you are doing and those days you struggle.


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## Juve779

My job is the main source of income. Wife works, but lane works less hours. I have a manager that has made my life impossible and it is frustrating because there was a misunderstanding and she has kept it as a grudge. I know is not my wife's fault if I don't move up and that's why I am trying to find help. Thank you for the advice about your manager. I am keeping my job troubles at work and not bring them home. I think is a good advice and I will implement it.



coffee4me said:


> There is a big difference between feeling you would lose your job and not being promoted. Was your review bad? Does your performance need to improve in order for you to retain your position? Or is your performance satisfactory and therefore just not good enough for promotion?
> 
> If you are truly in fear of losing your job and are the sole source of income, the stress is understandable. However, taking it out on your wife is not. She is your partner and you should be asking for her assistance to help you come up with a proactive approach to solving the problem not rant to her which is on the whole unproductive.
> 
> If you are ranting because you feel you unjustly were passed over for promotion then you just need to manage that victim mentality and leave it at the door when you go home. That kind of stress and attitude will do nothing to further your career or your marriage.
> 
> I worked a highly stressful job for a few decades. The best way to talk yourself out of stress is to only focus on the things in your work environment that you have control over. Mostly those would be the things you are in charge of, make an action plan and over deliver on everything asked of you. The stress and ranting about it get you zero production and production is what gets you promoted.
> 
> The best boss I ever worked for was a 40 year man with a long successful marriage. He gave us this advice about work. Stress is all in your mind and how you chose to view a situation. The key to a successful marriage is to pretend you have a work trouble tree outside your door. When you get home at night, hang your work troubles on the tree outside you door. You will never know the joys of life that are waiting inside the door if you bring your work trouble inside.
> Very wise man.


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## Juve779

We are not too tight on money. My wife and I saved some money before we got married, but I don't want our money to run out as we are living paycheck to paycheck and using a little bit of our small savings. My wife and I do not care about money and do not want to be rich,but we want to have some money saved for when an emergency may arrive. We love each other, but not being able to move up and seeing our savings go down little by little is stressful specially when we have a 11 month old baby. We don't want to end up not having savings and making our life harder, but I would have to take control my live and keep positive about our future. Thanks for your help.




anotherguy said:


> Its hard. I have a personal belief that financial and job stresses anduncertainty are the most frequent relationship killers out there. Just to put my bias out in front.
> 
> What, exactly, is hard - is that you start to lose perspective on what is important. Your relationship is far and away more important than your job. Its a lifetime thing. It shouldnt feel like a burden and your home should feel like a sanctuary and a place of healing. Pretty words, right? Hear me out.
> 
> I have an aunt of mine who has been married forever. They are, I must say, dirt poor. Haaaaaaapy, happy, great people. Always laughing, always kind. Sure I beet they have very hard times too - but what is clear to me is that they have a great marriage and I bet they leanon each other easily.
> 
> I also know a couple of spectaculaly rich couples. I mean multiplle private jets rich - and one of those couples is angry and never happy and bitter.
> 
> Anecdotal bull$#it, I know... but Im trying to make a point that even though it doesnt feel that way - how we live our lives and how we treat our spouces and how we see the world is in very large measure a choice.
> 
> I think you could find some ways to manage your stress - and talking more with yur spouse to use her as a resource for helping with your problem rather than a target for negative venting may pay off for you both. She, I wil bet, would get reassurance that you trust and value her and her oppinions - and you may get valuable feedback in return hopefully not to mention a transition of your home live into a place of recovery rather than conflict.
> 
> Make a concious decision to recruit her help. Dont be afraid, ask. She wants to help I guarantee it. You both need to be on the same team - and if you can get both of you closer to being on the same side together - you are going to be much better off.
> 
> I know Im babling a bit, but when I read stories like this I cant help but feel that both of you want the same things its just that it has gotten mixed up and you wind up fighting against each other rather than helpng each other. Fix that.


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## Cynthia

If you can leave your frustrations at work, that is great, but it is okay to talk to your wife about it as long as you don't ever take out your frustrations on her. It's like harming yourself when you are angry at someone else; what could be the point in that!
The best thing is to go home and make love to your wife and think about how thankful you are to be married to her. Replace your frustrations with happy times at home with your wife.
Why is your wife not working full-time?
How long have you been married?
Do you have children?


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## Catherine602

How does your wife feel about it? I'll bet it does not effect her feelings about you. She is effected by your ability to weather this setback with equanimity and calm determination. She will not lose faith in your ability to succeed. You shape her reaction at this point. 

Don't lose your self confidence and forward movement. You make your future, it does not make you. Have a pity party for one week and then plan. Adhere to your plan and work towards them. 

Share your dreams with your wife. But don't whine and appear weak and overly needy. You need to have someone to discuss your dreams and fears and it should be your wife. But it may be better to react to this by action. 

Please don't take your frustration out on your wife. You are a team. Don't push her away. This is a temporary setback. Don't make it a bad turn in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juve779

I have been exercising and it has helped my stress not only at home, but at my work too. Wife does not work full-time because we decided for her to have more time with our son, we believe that is better for our son to be around my wife. Besides that childcare is expensive and even if she works full time more than half of her paycheck would go to pay for childcare. We decided that it was not worth it. We have been married for almost 2 years and we have a son. Thank you for your advice, I know I am lucky to be married to my wife and I love her a lot too. 




CynthiaDe said:


> If you can leave your frustrations at work, that is great, but it is okay to talk to your wife about it as long as you don't ever take out your frustrations on her. It's like harming yourself when you are angry at someone else; what could be the point in that!
> The best thing is to go home and make love to your wife and think about how thankful you are to be married to her. Replace your frustrations with happy times at home with your wife.
> Why is your wife not working full-time?
> How long have you been married?
> Do you have children?


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## Juve779

I know it is a temporary setback, but there are times when I feel it would be a long setback. I love my wife and I know is not right to take me frustration on her. Therefore, I have been exercising and it has helped me. Thank you for your advice. 



Catherine602 said:


> How does your wife feel about it? I'll bet it does not effect her feelings about you. She is effected by your ability to weather this setback with equanimity and calm determination. She will not lose faith in your ability to succeed. You shape her reaction at this point.
> 
> Don't lose your self confidence and forward movement. You make your future, it does not make you. Have a pity party for one week and then plan. Adhere to your plan and work towards them.
> 
> Share your dreams with your wife. But don't whine and appear weak and overly needy. You need to have someone to discuss your dreams and fears and it should be your wife. But it may be better to react to this by action.
> 
> Please don't take your frustration out on your wife. You are a team. Don't push her away. This is a temporary setback. Don't make it a bad turn in your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia

Juve779 said:


> I have been exercising and it has helped my stress not only at home, but at my work too. Wife does not work full-time because we decided for her to have more time with our son, we believe that is better for our son to be around my wife. Besides that childcare is expensive and even if she works full time more than half of her paycheck would go to pay for childcare. We decided that it was not worth it. We have been married for almost 2 years and we have a son. Thank you for your advice, I know I am lucky to be married to my wife and I love her a lot too.


I'm glad that exercise has been helping you and that you are handling stress better.
I don't blame you for wanting your wife home with your son. I quit my job when our daughter was a baby and have been home with our kids ever since. It has been good for our family. I hope it works as well for you as it has for us.


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## Juve779

Yes, we believe that it is better if we take care of our own son than having a stranger do it. There have been so many cases where babies have been harmed by babysitters and or molested. We rather be limited with cash than putting our kids in a daycare. I'm hoping to get promoted soon, but even if I don't I'm still applaying for jobs and maybe something better will comes along. Thanks for your advice and support



CynthiaDe said:


> I'm glad that exercise has been helping you and that you are handling stress better.
> I don't blame you for wanting your wife home with your son. I quit my job when our daughter was a baby and have been home with our kids ever since. It has been good for our family. I hope it works as well for you as it has for us.


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## mpgunner

Juve? Where do you get your identity? Work or Family?

This isn't to be taken lightly. Jobs will come and go. If they are "you" then you will go up/down. 

We had financial ups/downs. My 3 kid (son 24) commented on the good times we had when we could only go out to McDonald's. Wow, that meant a lot for me to hear that.

Our Family is what matters and even if tough times we grow and have a blast. Still, 32 years later.


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