# I need a man's input



## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

If you have read my posts you know I am in a relationship that is not without problems. No, we are not married as far as having a piece of paper.......but many would say it is common law. We have been together for a long time.....it started out very good......but now we are so distanced from each other. I am looking for suggestions on how to help us to get back to where we were. Telling me to move on is not what I want to do at this time....I'm not ready to give up yet. 
A little background: My partner was married twice and has three grown boys. I was married once.....and was a battered woman. I think I have worked through that. My second relationship was fabulous....such a love we had fpr each other! Unfortunately I lost my partner to cancer. My life ended when he died......or so I thought. A year later I met my current partner....and I have really tried to make this work as we are in our early 60's and I want to share my life with someone. We are both in good shape and definitely don't look our age. We began our relationship working out together.....dancing every chance we got......doing projects together.......etc. It seemed like we had so many of the same interests. We both love to keep up on the news....CNN is on about 24/7 around here.
In the last two years things have changed so much. We no longer work out together. I workout with the dog...or at the club. My partner quit the club. He decided he didn't like it. We no longer do projects together as my partner says we have a tendency to fight....so we just don't even try. We dance...but not as often. We no longer go to bed together......and we are not intimate. I feel like he is angry with me all the time. It is to the point where i am afraid to say too much.
Two days ago I had my hair colored a different color....much darker....I love it. He has not mentioned it even once. Trust me...this is normal. I don't think he sees me any longer. I feel like I have really tried. Last week I suggested a walk together. I said it would be romantic. He said ..."We're not ready for a romantic walk...we have to work up to that." So we didn't go. 
I can tell you this: Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. It just makes you grow more and more distant. 
I am not high maintenance in my opinion....although my partner says i have needs....needs to feel appreciated...yes. I also would like a compliment every now and then....especially when I hear him compliment others. I love hugging and kissing. He does have problem with performance in bed....and we have talked about that at great lengths. I have assured him that just being close......touching....etc. is all I require....really. I lived with a man dying of cancer.....he definitely couldn't perform.....but I never felt more loved. 
I'm not ready to throw in the towel....but I need help on how to proceed......how to turn this around. Counseling is out for my partner....he says no way.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

My recent focus has been to keep explaining why specific things hurt me. For each of the things listed, have you said, "I'm sad because...," "It hurts that...," "It's really painful how much I miss...," and so on? And then having said it, stop. Don't repeat that day, but do repeat in the days to come. Immediate repetiton gets tuned out as nagging. Repressing leads to anger or mentally checking out. Most important of all is to not allow the problems to build until they just coalesce into one big "you betrayed me" angry mental blob. Hope that's a bit helpful.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

was there some point where his attitude changed or has it been a gradual decline in doing the things you used to do? for instance has his ability in bed always been a challenge or has it steadily deteriorated? Has his health been good otherwise? Have there been financial problems or concerns about other family members? Does he seem happy and content with the way things are?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

One thing that struck me as I read


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

When your first meet you were both keeping yourself busy and you must each have had a reason for this.

Your primary reason for staying so busy may have been to try and fill the gap left in your life by losing your previous partner to cancer.
Do you know what your current partner’s reason was? Could it be that he was pushing himself to do things he would not have done otherwise in order to find a partner / companion?

Have you spoken with your partner about what each of you is looking for and are those compatible?

If he was looking for a companion and / or a housekeeper and you were looking for a lover / soul mate then you will continue to have problems unless one or both of you is prepared to compromise.

I would like to wish the best of luck as its sounds as if you are overdue some.


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

The problems in bed have been from way back......and we have talked about it. This change has been gradual.....but keeps getting more and more distant.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think men change more in the 60's than women do. We tend to lose energy more and lose the feeling of loving (probably due to dropping testosterone levels, enlarging prostrate…) . It's a transition time that most men do not handle well. It becomes a real effort to remain a vibrant part of a healthy relationship. As such, men withdraw from relationships and look for excuses to not try. Call it a male menopause if you will. 

So what to do?

First, recognize it for what it is. He is confused with all his changes and is retreating out of ego and pride. Second, you can only do what you can do. Try and take an interest in things he still does. Rather than saying a walk will be romantic (as it gives him an excuse to say ‘no’), simply say you’re going for a walk and please join you. Try and minimize his chances to give you an excuse for everything.

You also may need to realize that he is changing and you will have to adjust to it. You may need to live more life yourself and get what you can from him and call it good. He’s still ‘there’, but can’t see the forest thru the trees.


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