# Sex over 60



## Boots (Dec 3, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 16 years (second marriage for both) He is in his late 60's and I am in my late 50's. We both look, feel and act much younger. We are active and healthy. We have been through some difficult times in our marriage but still love each other and get along better in some ways than we ever have. The problem is that we have always had amazing sex until the past year or so when it seemed that all of a sudden my husband wasn't very interested. When I first asked him about it he said he was just overly tired, or overly busy (very busy in his retirement with things he loves). But as time went on I began to doubt that was really it. I attempted a number of times to talk about it again and he was often evasive but insisted that it was not lack of attraction or desire for me. I have maintained a very toned body and am still very attractive so I do believe him. My husband does not have trouble getting an erection but I have noticed that sometimes he does not have an orgasm. In the past this has never happened. I asked if he wanted me to do things differently. We have used sex tapes, toys, lingerie, fantasies etc. in the past so I thought there might be something else he wanted. He said no. I asked if he watching porn or maturbating alot (these questions were all asked in a loving way, without judgment - I told him I just missed him and "us" and wanted to find out what we could do together to make our sex life more like it used to be) We talked about medications he takes that might possibly affect his libido. He is a doctor but I asked if he would be willing to talk to his own physician about this and to find out if Viagra or Cialis could help even though erections don't seem to be the problem.
Finally when none of this helped I asked if we could see a therapist together to talk about this. He agreed. BTW, there have not been any signs or indications that he might be having an affair and he very lovingly told me that that was not the case. He loves me as much as ever. We saw a therapist we both like and trust. 
It turns out that even though my husband is very vigorous, active and youthful he is beginning to have lots of aches and pains and is ruminating alot about aging (he will be 70 next year). Part of his aging seems to be a diminishing libido. He just doesn't have the same sex drive he used to have and this is so painful for him emotionally that he would rather avoid sex than have to admit to the real issue. And so painful he couldn't talk about it to me except finally when we saw the therapist
Once this was out on the table and he understood that I understood and could be accepting of a " slow down", I thought things would improve.
But they haven't. I am very frustrated. I am not ready for the sex to be gone from our marriage and from my life. I am now feeling extremely sad and angry at the same time. It almost seems as if we had this fabulous, fantastic sex life one minute and the next it was gone. I am frustrated both emotionally and sexually. Masturbation is all fine and good but it not a satisfactory replacement. Do I just have to accept that sex is over for us? I have told him that it doesn't always have to be intercourse. We have always been inventive and creative so I don't understand why he doesn't seem interested in finding a way to be sexual and intimate that doesn't require the same amount of stamina and "gymnastics" as before. Is it really possible that he has no sex drive left? I believe him when he says that it isn't about me. if this is it then how do I learn to live with and accept a marriage/life without sex?
Also, is it common for men to be so demoralized about the advent of aging that it would affect them this way - including not being able to talk to their wife about it?
Sorry this is so long. thanks for any thoughts and insights.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Start reading about hormone therapy for men.... (testosterone replacement). Its become pretty mainstream and does wonders in many aspect of life for an older male.

Book:
"Testosterone for Life" Abraham Morgentaler, Associate Professor, Harvard Medical school.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

"Also, is it common for men to be so demoralized about the advent of aging that it would affect them this way - including not being able to talk to their wife about it?"

Absolutely yes! 

My advice would be to keep going to therapy. Get some books to read about aging for men. Here is a good one - "All Night Long - How to make love to a man over 50" by Barbara Keesling

Read the books with him. Many men withdraw inside themselves - don't let him. Discuss your feelings, your fears, your anger over this situation (not your anger directed towards him). Ask him the exact questions you asked here. Be kind and gentle. Aging sucks and when the body betrays us it is so frustrating. Perhaps he is dealing with some depression over this and he is just shutting down for awhile cause he doesn't know what else to do. 

Good Luck - I understand where you are coming from. I have some similar issues with my husband only he is in his early 50's. I have many of the same feelings as you at times. But at the same time I am also dealing with my own body betraying me sometimes so I also understand how the men must feel. 

Hang in there and don't give up.


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

You have to be realistic, your husband is almost 70. Someone that age is not going to be having sex constantly or nearly as horny as they were 50 years in the past. 

I don't understand why he's not on Viagra? Before my husband got on testosterone injections, he couldn't get an erection to save his life and he was only 45 and a marathon runner in fabulous shape. The Viagra allowed him to have sex 3 times a night.

But Viagra doesn't create desire, just an erection. At 70, your husband's testosterone levels will be roughly half of what they were at 30. Have him get a blood test and pursue HRT. But even this treatment has its ups and downs, especially at the age of 70. Sex does not have to be over for you guys at all, but 2-3 times a week for a 70 year old man would be fabulous. Scale down your expectations. Women get more horny as they age, usually men get less so. (Yes, there are exceptions, I am speaking in general terms). 

Good luck.


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