# Something to share with all y'all....................



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse. You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age. 
Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.

I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted.

Your man’s needs are just as important as the needs of your children or the needs of your friends! At the end of it all – your man is the one you’re going to be left with. Children will grow up and leave. Friends will have their own lives. A sexless marriage or a sexless relationship can cause a man to become dejected and resentful, as with every rejection the negative association becomes stronger.

Sex with a woman whom he loves fulfills a very deep need for love and acceptance within a man. If you’re not attracted to him enough in order to want to have sex with him, over time, he may start to feel like you don’t accept him as a man and that you’re not attracted to him. 

This doesn’t mean women should be pressured in to having sex. Women and men (equally) need to work on creating passion, love and excitement with their spouse so that lack of sex will not be a problem, but rather – lack of free time space or opportunity for it – a much healthier problem!!

Women often perceive love in different things than what men do (obviously). A woman may perceive love in a man taking the time to listen to her, buy her gifts, take her out, commit to her, protect her, talk to her, put her first, hug her, caress her, call her, write her letters, making the first move, being the rock and the leader in the relationship, complimenting her, etc.
Whilst many of these things are important to men too, they are not so much talkers like women are, and perceive that a woman loves him if she does have sex with him regularly. 
There are many ways to express love. In this respect, men speak a different language of love, and it is no use telling a man you love him, and admire him (which is always fantastic, by the way!) if you will not open up to him sexually. If a man loves a woman, he craves for her to be open to him/accept him, not only sexually, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well.
This is sometimes very difficult for women to relate to, which is why I am writing this post. It’s very easy for a woman to consider a man insensitive, sleazy or selfish if he is regularly asking for sex.
And, it is often that women exclaim in confusion: ‘Why is it all about the sex?!!” It isn’t. It’s about how men perceive love, acceptance and admiration.


----------



## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

So true! I wish my wife would read, understand and take this to heart!

Have sex with boyfriends before you're married, but reject your HUSBAND in marriage. It DOES send a message - LOVE and ACCEPTANCE isn't part of that message...


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I love you Southern Wife.


----------



## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

I like most of that apart from 



> Women often perceive love in different things than what men do (obviously). A woman may perceive love in a man taking the time to listen to her, buy her gifts, take her out, commit to her, protect her, talk to her, put her first, hug her, caress her, call her, write her letters, making the first move, being the rock and the leader in the relationship, complimenting her, etc.


Which is all fine and dandy and it's a tactic that many men have employed in order to get their wives to have sex with them, but the sad truth is that it does not work, because we are dealing with something at an instinctive level, if there is no attraction there will be little sex and what sex there is will be bad sex! 

My biggest complaint is the lack of basic honesty, just tell the bloody truth, don't give silly excuses and fake illnesses, just tell the truth, if you have no desire just tell the other person and give them the chance to improve or leave the relationship


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are in a marriage with a person who willfully denies you sex, your partner isn't your friend. Your partner assumes the role of your abuser, your exploiter, the thief of your identity and your soul. A closer analogy would be to call them kidnappers because they are holding a human being for money. They certainly aren't your best friend. Not even close. I'm not responsible for attending to my friends' sexual needs and they are free to go elsewhere to meet those needs. I would never presume to turn a friend into a eunich.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

iGuy said:


> So true! I wish my wife would read, understand and take this to heart!
> 
> Have sex with boyfriends before you're married, but reject your HUSBAND in marriage. It DOES send a message - LOVE and ACCEPTANCE isn't part of that message...


and would be good reason not to marry.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

southern wife said:


> If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you?


PREGNANT!!! :rofl:


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Bluemoon1 said:


> I like most of that apart from
> 
> Which is all fine and dandy and it's a tactic that many men have employed in order to get their wives to have sex with them, but the sad truth is that it does not work, because we are dealing with something at an instinctive level, if there is no attraction there will be little sex and what sex there is will be bad sex!
> 
> My biggest complaint is the lack of basic honesty, just tell the bloody truth, don't give silly excuses and fake illnesses, just tell the truth, if you have no desire just tell the other person and give them the chance to improve or leave the relationship





unbelievable said:


> If you are in a marriage with a person who willfully denies you sex, your partner isn't your friend. Your partner assumes the role of your abuser, your exploiter, the thief of your identity and your soul. A closer analogy would be to call them kidnappers because they are holding a human being for money. They certainly aren't your best friend. Not even close. I'm not responsible for attending to my friends' sexual needs and they are free to go elsewhere to meet those needs. I would never presume to turn a friend into a eunich.


I'd like to address this in a slightly different manner. 

Let me ask - how do women learn about what sex means to men? 

It is my impression from what I have read, and heard that this is what men think of sex - 

I have never read or heard that sex has anything to do with love until I read it here on TAM and in books. 

I have never spoken personally to any man about this at length. My husband does not express his need for sex in terms of his love for me and I let him express any way he wants. I have never questioned him specifically about it. 

I know that he would feel that I did not love him if I did not want to have sex but, I don't think he associates sex with love per se. I think he could have sex with any number of women with no feeling of love if he were not married to me or if he were of a mind to cheat. 

That is where the confusion lies for me. Male boasting is common - they can have sex easily with women they don't like as long as they get off. 

They boast about how many woman they pump and dump, how many woman they "play". They speak with contempt and loathing about women that they have "played" because they were too dumb to know better. That is not love quite the opposite. 

I would say that a woman looking for a loving committed relationship will not lead with sex because she knows that sex does not mean love to men. Having sex does not make a man fall in love or stay in love. It does not prevent a man from cheating or keep him from craving new [email protected] 

That is the way I see it. 

I think mutually satisfying sex is essential to a loving stress free relationship. I just don't see it as an exclusively male thing. Both men and woman need the physical bond of sex in a LTR. 

A women's desire to have sex is somewhat more fragile than a man's, it is affected by relationship problems. Looking at sex as a mutually beneficial leads me to believe that relationship problems should be solved to prevent an interuption in sex. 

I think the "just do it" concept arises out of the notion that men need sex or they don't feel loved stuff. Would that humans were so simple. We are not simple and we are not dumb. 

Realistically, it is complex. This is the way I see it. Sex is pleasure for men and women. When men and women fall in love, they look to each for the sexual pleasure. It becomes more than pleasure with a person you love. It is bonding, affirming and motivates each partner to stay focused on each other. 

Sex does not lose the role of pleasure nor does the appeal for variety, youth, beauty go away when people fall in love and commit. Those things remain for men and women. 

In fact, I think women get bored sexually far more frequently than men. There are many women who lose interest in sex with their husband but have sexual desire for a new guy.

That is where the problem lies. Men and woman are alike in ways that we don't see or accept. 

Before marriage, women are supposed to be asleep sexually and awakened by the man she loves. She rewards the man who commits to her with her sexual desire. Fairytales for men. 

After marriage, a man who was a horn-dog now only want to have sex with the woman of his dreams. Fairytales for woman.


----------



## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

SouthernWife - you are absolutely spot on.
If only all women (starting with my own wife!) had the same attitude as you do......
TAM would have far fewer male posters too!!!!!


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Toffer said:


> I love you Southern Wife.


I love you, too!


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

7737 said:


> SouthernWife - you are absolutely spot on.
> If only all women (starting with my own wife!) had the same attitude as you do......
> TAM would have far fewer male posters too!!!!!


Would TAM exist at all? :scratchhead:


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> That is where the confusion lies for me. Male boasting is common - they can have sex easily with women they don't like as long as they get off.
> 
> They boast about how many woman they pump and dump, how many woman they "play". They speak with contempt and loathing about women that they have "played" because they were too dumb to know better. That is not love quite the opposite.
> 
> ...


Catherine602,

SOME men!! I can only think of two experiences in my life where I had sex just for the gratification. In all other cases I had some level of attraction to the women. I have never boasted or used women merely for sex. But then I'm not all alpha that I am supposed to be apparently. BTW, I could never have sex with a woman I don't "like".

That being said, you have some fair points. There are some purely enjoyment/sex aspects to it but not for women that we want to be in long term relationships with.

It is a very odd thing. There are parts of me that just love sex and everything about it at a pure pleasure level. There is also a large side of me that loves the intimacy, closeness of it with the woman I love. In fact, if I am being honest there are even times when those are in conflict...

Bah, I think I am just rambling and probably not making any sense...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Uh what happened to my post? I posted on here and it's gone. 

Weird.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Uh what happened to my post? I posted on here and it's gone.
> 
> Weird.


yes, the 'phantom' posts,
that seems to happen a bit. :/


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

southern wife said:


> The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse. You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age.
> Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.
> 
> I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted.
> ...


OK, well my guy had a brain hemorrhage and all we've done for the last two months is kiss and hug and nap together occasionally and sometimes I sit on his lap a bit and we rub each other's back and I give him foot rubs. Thank God we know how to express love without sex. We have something real going for us. Yep, it all works and we will get back to it. Someday, but in a rehab facility where he has a roommate, nope. I am so glad our relationship was initiated as a true friendship and we fell for each other way before we ever had sex. Yep, sex was fun. We connected real well. But I told him, this relationship is not based on activities, it is based on love. Then the next day I found him in a coma. He still knows that I love him and won't leave him just because he is laid up and can't have sex, and I know he loves me and he appreciates the time I spend with him and the time I spend thinking about him, and not just sexually, but connected. Sex is a celebration of love, but it is not required. If it were we would be in deep trouble. But as we are, we can afford to wait, years if need be.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

southern wife said:


> The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse. You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age.
> Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.
> 
> I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted.
> ...



Southern: You absolutely write one "mean" article! Unlike my style, it's there in laymens language and is so very easy to comprehend. Thank you for putting things so eloquently and forthrightly. This comes not only from your vast experience but also your overall sense of human caring; not only for us men, but for the gals as well. May God truly bless you for your profound wisdom and for your notable insight!

Simply put, Bravo, young lady!


----------



## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Homemaker No1 - Your husband is a very lucky guy to have someone like you beside him.....and I guess you are very lucky to have him...

I hope he pulls through and that all goes well....

In sickness and in health...


----------

