# I don't know what to do



## fer (Nov 16, 2016)

Today is my birthday. My husband barely acknowledged it. No card, no gift, nothing. Until this morning there was no problem. But later he picked a fight, telling me he's done with me. He did the same last year on my birthday.

He makes me feel unworthy, unloved, rejected. Every thing I do is wrong, I don't care for him, I only care about myself, i don't wake up at 3am when we comes home from work to talk to him and serve him coffee. Never mind that I have to wake up at 6 am with the kids. 

I don't give him sex as often as he'd like, which is more than once a day. He only cares to satisfy himself and prefers a sexual activity that I don't like or enjoy. And I give in to keep the peace but it's not enough. I don't dress like he wants me to, never mind that I don't like that kind of clothes.

He has an awful temper and frequently breaks things. It's very hard trying to talk to him. Having a dialog is impossible. He's set on his ways and doesn't accept any other opinions.

According to him, women prefer men that mistreat them, are alcoholics or drug addicts. He claim if he was any of those I'd be happy.

He's a good father, a family man, no vices. He has never touched the kids and loves them even though he doesn't spend time with them. They're my responsibility. I stay at home with them.

Part of me would like to leave. I see the effect his treatment of me is having on the kids. Tonight they were moody, crying, sad. It's like he poisons the air at home. But I don't work, don't have family around, no friends, I feel trapped.

I keep trying to make things work, to be a happy family but it's not working. And I'm tired of feeling sad, feeling alone, feeling that my opinions are not listened to, that my feelings. are not validated.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

fer said:


> He's a good father, a family man,



You have a very strange definition of a good father. It sounds like everyone has to walk on egg shells around him. That is not a good father. 

Anyway, happy birthday.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

fer said:


> Today is my birthday. My husband barely acknowledged it. No card, no gift, nothing. Until this morning there was no problem. But later he picked a fight, telling me he's done with me. He did the same last year on my birthday.
> 
> He makes me feel unworthy, unloved, rejected. Every thing I do is wrong, I don't care for him, I only care about myself, i don't wake up at 3am when we comes home from work to talk to him and serve him coffee. Never mind that I have to wake up at 6 am with the kids.
> 
> ...


If he's ignoring the children and you are responsible for all of their care, and they are upset with the way he treats you, then he is not a good father. Not hitting them, doesn't make him a good father. 

You have a lot of red flags for emotional abuse. sleep deprivation, unpleasant selfish sex, throwing a fit and breaking things, criticizing you and your clothing, isolation, and more.
What do _you_ get out of this relationship? anything?

There's a thread here with a lot of resources for people in abusive relationships. It's got a lot of advice, internet resources, and book recommendations. Places to call and talk anonymously to a counselor.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

And Happy Birthday! you deserve some acknowledgement today. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your husband has some serious passive aggressive behavior....he need a dose of reality....that said i wish you a happy birthday, light a candle make a wish...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Happy Birthday @fer! 

You can't have a birthday without a cake! :smile2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

fer said:


> Today is my birthday. My husband barely acknowledged it. No card, no gift, nothing. Until this morning there was no problem. But later he picked a fight, telling me he's done with me. He did the same last year on my birthday.
> 
> He makes me feel unworthy, unloved, rejected. Every thing I do is wrong, I don't care for him, I only care about myself, i don't wake up at 3am when we comes home from work to talk to him and serve him coffee. Never mind that I have to wake up at 6 am with the kids.
> 
> ...


He sounds awful. Why do you want to stay with him.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I wanted to keep my birthday wish pristine...


It's time to stop rewarding the sadness and start rewarding the self you are ignoring and probably have for too long.

What ages are your children and what did you do before you were married?

How far away are your family, are you are close enough to any of them to share?


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## fer (Nov 16, 2016)

The children are 12, 9, 8.

My family is in another country.

Thanks for the birthday wishes!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a rotten husband, an inadequate human being, a dreadful father and a bit of a cad.

The only thing he did right was in marrying well.

And he is messing that up now, too.

You need to see a divorce solicitor/lawyer and to start the process of bettering your life.

You deserve so much more.

We are here for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Does he seem like he is happy?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are you a foreigner married to a local ?.
In which country?
Do you have access to funds?
How did you meet your husband?
Was it an arranged marriage?

Sorry for all the questions, but it might help us to understand your predicament a little better.

Wishing you a very happy, blessed birthday. In a way you are a little more blessed because you found us.

Your H is abusive and not a good father. You have to change your circumstances. Does your family know about what is happening?


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## fer (Nov 16, 2016)

Happy? No, he doesn't seem happy. He looks for ways to be unhappy.

We're both foreigners, from different countries, we met here in the USA. It wasn't an arraigned marriage. He wasn't the person he is now, but in retrospect, the seeds were there, I just didn't recognize them. He is quick to anger, quick to blame. He used to apologize when he got angry, not anymore.

He hasn't apologized today. He's not in a good mood. In previous occasions, when he noticed I was quiet or not happy and asked why, he dismissed my concerns, saying things like a birthday is not important, I'm being ridiculous, and such. He claims that I'm not helping him, that the marriage is a team and I'm not doing my part.

No, my family doesn't know the whole story. They have a good image of him. They've seen him getting angry, but he's able to control himself when they're here.

I do have access to funds. We bought a house 2 years ago with my parents help (downpayment).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

See a lawyer and a counselor and start the divorce process. He's shown you who he is, and you don't have to take it any more.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It's time to let your family know the whole story. Honestly, I would get my ducks in a row and not say a thing to him. Get a good attorney, find a place to live, and get ready to pull money out of any joint accounts. When your husband is at work, get movers to pack and move you. 

Your husband is a loose canon on deck. I lived with someone like this for too damn long. And I realized if I tipped my hand, the chances were good he'd get physical. Don't think for a minute your husband's bad mood can't escalate to physical abuse, particularly if he thinks you are going somewhere.

This man is abusive, and he treats you like sh!t because he knows he can. And, for now, he can get away with it because he believes you will stay and take it.

Put your energy into making an exit plan, then follow through. This is no way for you to live. Seriously.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think it is only fair to sit him down and tell him that you will not continue to live like this being abused. He has to attend IC to deal with his issues as do you. Then you can attend MC. Tell him you would prefer the marriage worked out but if he doesn't want to put in the work on himself and your marriage you will divorce him

YOu must follow through, his posturing/reponse will tell you what you need to know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book. Then come back and tell us what you think after reading it:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

fer said:


> Today is my birthday. My husband barely acknowledged it. No card, no gift, nothing. Until this morning there was no problem. But later he picked a fight, telling me he's done with me. He did the same last year on my birthday.
> 
> He makes me feel unworthy, unloved, rejected. Every thing I do is wrong, I don't care for him, I only care about myself, i don't wake up at 3am when we comes home from work to talk to him and serve him coffee. Never mind that I have to wake up at 6 am with the kids.
> 
> ...


*So, conversely speaking @fer ~ exactly what would be your justifying reasons for even staying with him?

I'd say that it's well past time to execute "the 180" on his sorry a$$ and to make yourself an appointment with a good family attorney!

No one deserves that kind of treatment! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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