# Young married father of 2 in need for advice?



## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

Hello and thank you for taking your time to read this. Like the title suggest I am a young father of 2 fantastic boys (2 and 5). I am 22 years old and am "Happily" married. Or at least I am. My wife and I has been together for 4 years going on 5. Married for a year and a half. (the first son is from a different relationship but I was here since he was a baby so he knows me as his father only) I work from home (dont make to much but def enough to help with bills) and my wife is the main supporter being a manager at a local grocery store. Ok now you know a bit about my life, let me start with the problem...



Like I said, i am happily married. but for the past week ive been noticing my wife has been closed off, always tired, seeming to be drained, un interested, seeming like shes disconnected. Of course I ask her to talk to me and if there is anything on her mind thats bothering her. Of course she says no its just the same old "im just tired". I accept it and try to be supportive for her. Let her know if her job is draining her ill look into getting a "real job" so she doesnt have to work as much. She works 40 hours a week, gets enough sleep but like I said im being supportive. I eventually get it out of her when were on our way to a mall that she has mixed feelings about our marriage. Im definitely hurt because prior to this week we've been very happy, very open with our marriage, and we are at its core very happy. She bursts out in tears telling me shes not sure if we are meant for each other. 



I ask her is there anything specific that makes her feel this way. She says she doesn't want to always give me love and have to worry if she's being a good wife or not, she tells me she never got to experience life as a single person. I jump to conclusions and ask her if maybe she is not happy with me or this marriage, and if she feels like maybe there is someone else out there for her, she tells me "I dont know"


She says she knows she loves me, she loves our family, she is happy with me, so im like WTF! lol, i dont get it. Im very hurt by this cuz just 2 weeks ago we were taking trips to beaches, going shopping, staying home watching movies, just our everyday lives... and now this? So I tell her I cant just feel like crap and mope around all day, im keeping my self strong for my sons, but I cant do this if she is 50/50 about our marriage. Keep in mind since she told me all this, she acts closed off sometimes, then the next minute she's acting like nothings wrong, like we are normal. When I tell her this, I tell her I will be home every day when she goes to work so I can watch the boys. I tell her I will no longer be sleeping in the same bed as her because it confuses me, and i will look into sleeping somewhere else and tell her that I will figure something out (We have no family here) and not to worry about me just worry about her and getting her emotions in line and process everything. I tell her im giving her what she wants by letting her go, She tells me no that she feels I should be here for the boys and its just back and forth that I will be but I get it out of her that she just wants me home for her. We have sex and seems like everything is good. I still feel there is something seriously wrong. This happened today and she is calling me "hon" or "babe" telling me she loves me, saying she feels better, but I still feel something very wrong. I need help....




I realize this is a ton of writing and thank you for anyone willing to put their own advice or opinion on this issue. Thanks for reading. Any opinions or extra questions would greatly be appreciated.


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

Please if any one has some advice I would really appreciate it. Im desperate.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to find out if she is involved with someone else at least rule it out. Put a var-voice activated recorder- in her car. Have you checked cell phone records? Does she talk about someone at work? That would be a good place to start imo.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Married only a year and a half go see an attorney and check out your legal options. Sounds to me she wants you there as a babysitter while she goes out.


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

tom67 said:


> You have to find out if she is involved with someone else at least rule it out. Put a var-voice activated recorder- in her car. Have you checked cell phone records? Does she talk about someone at work? That would be a good place to start imo.


Im glad you said this. I've asked her if there is someone else, but she swears to jesus, her kids, budah, heisenberg that there is no one else. We both share the same opinion that once someone cheats in a relationship, it will never be the same so we would never go down that road and would come to each other if we feel like we are feeling "interested" in any one else. I know this might sound wrong, but she does stay at work when she says shes at work, i know this because I check her gps locatation with her phone. 


HOWEVER, I do feel like there still could be some one at work. She stays like 30 minutes late sometimes off the clock, but I can call her and she will answer when I do. She doesn't exactly call me on her lunches like she used to. She always needs to get off the phone for some reason, either she has to go back out on the floor because some one needs her, or something. I try to be understanding with this as shes is a manager at a grocery store but I dont know....


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Married only a year and a half go see an attorney and check out your legal options. Sounds to me she wants you there as a babysitter while she goes out.


She doesn't go out though, like at all. We just stick to ourselves. I can say I have literally no friends and she just has co workers so "going out" isnt exactly part of our lives.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ps4isGreat said:


> Im glad you said this. I've asked her if there is someone else, but she swears to jesus, her kids, budah, heisenberg that there is no one else. We both share the same opinion that once someone cheats in a relationship, it will never be the same so we would never go down that road and would come to each other if we feel like we are feeling "interested" in any one else. I know this might sound wrong, but she does stay at work when she says shes at work, i know this because I check her gps locatation with her phone.
> 
> 
> HOWEVER, I do feel like there still could be some one at work. She stays like 30 minutes late sometimes off the clock, but I can call her and she will answer when I do. She doesn't exactly call me on her lunches like she used to. She always needs to get off the phone for some reason, either she has to go back out on the floor because some one needs her, or something. I try to be understanding with this as shes is a manager at a grocery store but I dont know....


Stays 30 minutes off the clock? Get a good sony var get good lithium batteries and heavy duty velcro and put it under her drivers seat asap.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ps4isGreat said:


> She doesn't go out though, like at all. We just stick to ourselves. I can say I have literally no friends and she just has co workers so "going out" isnt exactly part of our lives.


Ok but living like this is bs. You are the only one putting any effort in this.


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Ok but living like this is bs. You are the only one putting any effort in this.


Im not sure what exactly your saying but we do go out like as a family on trips to aqauriums, beaches, movies, that sort of thing. As for the me being the only one putting effort, im gonna address that to her and see how she feels about it.


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Stays 30 minutes off the clock? Get a good sony var get good lithium batteries and heavy duty velcro and put it under her drivers seat asap.


She soemtimes stays an hour after, but the overtime she brings in makes PERFECT sense down to the cent. So im confused about this part. If she was fooling around with someone, it would have to be during working hours it seems like. I honestly don't think she is fooling around with anyone though. I would be VERY surprised if she is, but yet it would make sense if she is. I dont know...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well you have to find out what you are up against. Is she a waw-walk away wife-or is something brewing at work. How has the sex life been?


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Well you have to find out what you are up against. Is she a waw-walk away wife-or is something brewing at work. How has the sex life been?


She feels overwhelmed when I try to talk to her about this stuff if thats what your asking. Then we just stop talking about it. Sex is decent. Definitely not as it used to be. We just had sex twice today. but before that.... I would say about a week ago, right when all this started. Is something brewing at work? Someone feeding her stuff in her head? I don't know, and dont know how to find out. Surprise visit on her lunch?


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

Im just thinking to my self if maybe I should let her go, I would love to be with her, and get things back to normal, but only if she wants to. I don't want to give up on our marriage but I feel its only right to give her her space and maybe she will realize she had what she wants all along, if not, maybe shes right and we arent meant to be, but I cant shake the thought of me feeling like shes the one but im not to her. Its very hurtfull. BTW Thank you Tom67 for your replies.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Right now don't do anything put act normal, look at her phone, look at the phone bill, look at her email, Facebook, any chatting software, Var her car. Looks like everything she is telling you us cheater script.

Start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Oh and clear your browser and emails from this site, you don't want her a step ahead of you.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ps4isGreat said:


> I've asked her if there is someone else, but she swears to jesus, her kids, budah, heisenberg that there is no one else.


Cheaters will do that.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have a good chance of saving this if you go into pi mode now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'll take some heat for this, but I think that for most women, love, respect, and security are closely linked. She's the primary source of security for your family. If you had to go through a very violent neighborhood and you needed to feel safe, would you feel safer with someone weaker than you as your partner? It is in a woman's DNA to desire security. For tens of thousands of years, survival for women and their kids meant finding a good provider. It would take a very special and exceptionally financially secure woman to feel good about herself if she were hooked up with a semi-employed Mr. Mom. I think she needs to see you slaying dragons, being ambitious and productive. She needs to know that if she got pregnant or ill and couldn't work, you could saw your end of the log and her's, too. 
You may not have to find a sitter and run out and get full time employment outside the home but you may need to find some way to show her that you are deadly serious about your role as protector and provider.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't know if this is really about someone else in her life. Its possible that she is tired of pulling most of the weight financially and is building up resentment. She isn't saying that, but if you were to relieve some of this burden her attitude might improve.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I'll take some heat for this, but I think that for most women, love, respect, and security are closely linked. She's the primary source of security for your family. If you had to go through a very violent neighborhood and you needed to feel safe, would you feel safer with someone weaker than you as your partner? It is in a woman's DNA to desire security. For tens of thousands of years, survival for women and their kids meant finding a good provider. It would take a very special and exceptionally financially secure woman to feel good about herself if she were hooked up with a semi-employed Mr. Mom. I think she needs to see you slaying dragons, being ambitious and productive. She needs to know that if she got pregnant or ill and couldn't work, you could saw your end of the log and her's, too.
> You may not have to find a sitter and run out and get full time employment outside the home but you may need to find some way to show her that you are deadly serious about your role as protector and provider.


You said it better than I did. It was the first thing that came to mind when I read his post. I am puzzled by the advice given telling him to go into surveillance mode. How exactly does that help him solve this? I see it as a relationship problem. He needs to find out why she is losing her attraction to him.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

ps4isGreat said:


> Like I said, i am happily married. *but for the past week* ive been noticing my wife has been closed off, always tired, seeming to be drained, un interested, seeming like shes disconnected.


I disagree with most of the advice given. It has only been a week or two and she is closed off. Keep your eyes open but sometimes always being tired is always being tired. There could 1000s of legitimate reasons for being tired and closed off. Heck she could be pregnant and does not know how to tell you.

WWHT


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Oh crap.

Who sees refuse to be played? His thread was deleted tho.

Ill stop by again after work and put my standard spy stuff in but steel yourself. 

Im resident cheating wife buster and ill give you step 1 now. I am very good at this grim task.

1. Go to best buy. Buy two sony icdpx312 voice activated recorders.
Then go to walmart and buy heavy duty velcro?

Sigh.

Any conferences or late nights in the past 3 months?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I also think men should work. every guy I know who makes much less than his wife got divorced. 

JMHO


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I'll take some heat for this, but I think that for most women, love, respect, and security are closely linked. She's the primary source of security for your family. If you had to go through a very violent neighborhood and you needed to feel safe, would you feel safer with someone weaker than you as your partner? It is in a woman's DNA to desire security. For tens of thousands of years, survival for women and their kids meant finding a good provider. It would take a very special and exceptionally financially secure woman to feel good about herself if she were hooked up with a semi-employed Mr. Mom. I think she needs to see you slaying dragons, being ambitious and productive. She needs to know that if she got pregnant or ill and couldn't work, you could saw your end of the log and her's, too.
> You may not have to find a sitter and run out and get full time employment outside the home but you may need to find some way to show her that you are deadly serious about your role as protector and provider.


Hear hear! I do think the sentiments you express will mostly face heat from ardent feminists. Most men will probably agree. I hate jumping on the EA bandwagon though. It appears you guys spend good time together as a family. 

I think you should ask her how she would feel about you taking more of a primary role as provider. I would exercise caution going down the EA route..

Man i really hope there's nothing sinister going on. Hang in there


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I'll take some heat for this, but I think that for most women, love, respect, and security are closely linked. She's the primary source of security for your family. If you had to go through a very violent neighborhood and you needed to feel safe, would you feel safer with someone weaker than you as your partner? It is in a woman's DNA to desire security. For tens of thousands of years, survival for women and their kids meant finding a good provider. It would take a very special and exceptionally financially secure woman to feel good about herself if she were hooked up with a semi-employed Mr. Mom. I think she needs to see you slaying dragons, being ambitious and productive. She needs to know that if she got pregnant or ill and couldn't work, you could saw your end of the log and her's, too.
> You may not have to find a sitter and run out and get full time employment outside the home but you may need to find some way to show her that you are deadly serious about your role as protector and provider.


I think your absolutely right. If fact I know you are. This morning I woke up feeling like crap all over again, so I decided to talk to her if there is anything that is bothering her, now is the time to tell me, not after she pushed me away so far that I won't consider trying with her no more. She tells me she thinks I just got lazy since I stopped being the main supporter (Laid off previous job) she doesn't want a bum. Your totally right, I feel like a fool to have waited this long to get back on the horse and I feel ashamed my wife had to take it to this point to get her point across, she should have talked to me. Thank you all for your posts and replies. Im going to delete this thread as I feel I understand the problem and going to focus on correcting it. Thanks again.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Excellent. Might I suggest that it isn't just about a better job though. So long as you are actively making steps to improve yourself and your ability to provide for your family ie education etc - she'll be fine. Just goes to prove men just still be men and women remain as women. .

Nature is what it is. Good luck bud
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ps4isGreat (Jul 28, 2013)

iBolt said:


> Excellent. Might I suggest that it isn't just about a better job though. So long as you are actively making steps to improve yourself and your ability to provide for your family ie education etc - she'll be fine. Just goes to prove men just still be men and women remain as women. .
> 
> Nature is what it is. Good luck bud
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your input. Im actually feeling really positive about this whole situation now. Im gonna keep this thread up so at least maybe if someone visits this site and has a similar issue, they can learn a bit from this hopefully.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ps4isGreat said:


> she tells me she never got to experience life as a single person.


Let's not over think this guys. You got together when she was 17, 18? She's been pregnant and/or with kids since she was 16?

My wife was 19 when we got together. The greatest thing she could have done for herself and her family would have been to tell me she made a terrible mistake after our first two kids and left me. But she didn't. And she didn't tell me she wasn't happy. I had to find out when I was in my late 40's that my wife didn't love me. My kids were teens. I was too old to start over. You are not. You're 22.

Look. I'm glad you think you've got this licked, and I commend you for wanting to fight for your marriage. But a MASSIVE majority of women fall out of love with their husbands. A pretty good % of those divorce eventually. You got together young. Not good odds for a lasting relationship. ILYBINILWY speech at 22 doesn't bode well. 

You think you've got this worked out at 22 and after a page and a half of advice from strangers on a chat forum, half of those posts saying "she's cheating: SPY!!"

You don't have this worked out, my friend. You are in for a ride. Prepare yourself. This thing has just started.

Good luck to you.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I also think men should work. every guy I know who makes much less than his wife got divorced.
> 
> JMHO


I'll even take it a step further. If the men in your peer group or close circle of friends are a lot more successful than you, this will also make a lot of wives think that they picked the wrong one. 

The bottom line is this. Men don't have a biological clock, but we do have a financial clock. We need to get our money right by the time we're 30. If we don't we'll be a less appealing mate if we're single. If we're married and we haven't established ourselves as a decent earner by the age of 30 there is a very real chance that your wife will have regrets about marrying you, some will even look for an upgrade.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

forgot the rest here it is

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better. Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

GET ON THIS! It may be very early but someone may be sniffing around your wife.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

After almost 40 years in a good marriage, I unexpectedly lost my job....My wife went totally dark....Lost respect, started fighting....Women expect women to support them A SAHD just doesn't cut it with your job....Get a job...NOW

the woodchuck


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She may be really having a difficult time with her being the main breadwinner. It is exhausting working 40 hours a week, then coming home.

I'm assuming the kids are home with you right?

Edit to add... I just read your last response. It is because she feels you are not pulling your weight financially.

I very highly doubt there's another man involved. This alone may be her deal breaker by you not pulling your weight financially. You've got to think about your future and start saving for retirement. You working part time at home while your wife is out working 40 hours a week at a store will not work. I can't imagine how you guys can just go out shopping at will and not going into debt, especially with raising two young children. 

I was the breadwinner in my first marriage. My ex h always expected more of me. There's more to the story, but I ended up leaving. It was easy leaving since I emotionally detached from him. Once I was at that point of no return, I was done! I was never seeing any man on the side either. I'm highly against cheating. We were married for a very short time. We did have a child together. I ended up raising my child financially myself(until I remarried, then my husband took over financially). My ex h never did really get a job and 20 years have passed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You two got together really young. There's a reason so many more marriages for people under 25 when they get married fail.....she didn't get to experience life and frankly neither did you. You're not there now but I'd bet a good chunk of money that the day will come when you too will start to wonder where your life went and what else is out there. Completely normal. And I agree with the job thing; you two need to aspire to more than working at the grocery store.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_I ask her is there anything specific that makes her feel this way. She says she doesn't want to always give me love and have to worry if she's being a good wife or not, *she tells me she never got to experience life as a single person.* _

The discussion about being a SAHD may all be on point, but I think the above is the crux of the problem. Even if she's not cheating now it makes her extremely vulnerable to an affair. Sounds like she feels somehow trapped or overwhelmed at being a young wife and mother. I'm not one to recommend counseling at the drop of a hat, but in your case it sounds like MC might be a good idea before things get out of hand. Good luck.

PS. I married at 22, W was 21. We've now been together 37 yrs.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Philat said:


> _I ask her is there anything specific that makes her feel this way. She says she doesn't want to always give me love and have to worry if she's being a good wife or not, *she tells me she never got to experience life as a single person.* _
> 
> The discussion about being a SAHD may all be on point, but I think the above is the crux of the problem. Even if she's not cheating now it makes her extremely vulnerable to an affair. Sounds like she feels somehow trapped or overwhelmed at being a young wife and mother. I'm not one to recommend counseling at the drop of a hat, but in your case it sounds like MC might be a good idea before things get out of hand. Good luck.


Quoted for truth. Extreme truth.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he were hauling down $150K a year, I seriously doubt she'd be longing to experience life as a single person. She's a mother. Whether she gets a divorce or not, she's not going to be able to live as a "single person". I believe she has simply lost respect for this particular guy, mostly because he isn't working and hasn't shown a real interest in working. If they divorced tomorrow, she won't go 6 months without latching onto another guy.....one with a good job or a bunch of money. She doesn't want to sound like a gold digger, so she deflects and laments about not having had the chance to experience life as a single person.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

OP hasn't been here since his last thread was written in August. 

That was when he gained employment. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/108602-wife-emotionally-not-connected-22-year-old-father-not-sure-what-do.html


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