# The ship is sinking



## livingstrong (Jun 6, 2012)

Thanks for reading...I look to the guidance of the forum. 

Overview:

-Mid thirties (both of us) with 3 boys.
-Together since we were in high school
-Myself: Well...I'm a Taurus - successful, extreme determination and strength of will (even to a default), passionate, firm and a HUGE ego until two years ago when I began to struggle with addiction and was humbled like never before. 
-My wife: Well...She's an Aquarius - extremely artistic, kind, very smart, eccentric, creative. Lacks motivation, sleeps in, and is ALWAYS on FACEBOOK.

History:

We have issues...and it goes back a long way. She got pregnant when I was very young (17 yo) and we had our first son who is now 15. We've stuck together through thick and thin and have a magnetic attraction toward on another. The past 8 years have been very hard (I was a medical student and resident and also started a company) and we recently relocated to "start over" about 8 months ago. 

Ever since we were young, I've had problems committing to our relationship. Through college I felt cheated in some way because I didn't get to live the normal "college life" and sew my oats. We fought a lot and broke up a few times but always managed to stay together. This carried on for a long time and I remembering trying to escape all of the time so I didn't have to be home with her. As we grew older, I felt more and more like I had missed out. My ego was huge then and I didn't appreciate the work she was doing as a housewife. I always felt resentful because I was working so hard and she was just spending our money. I started interacting with women on the internet, which then begun to lead to more.

Half-way through my residency, my life came crashing down (2 years ago). Between work and my company, I was working nearly 100 hours per week I was nothing to my family but a paycheck. I started using drugs to cope with all of the pain and resentment and found myself in rehab in 2009. 

Soon after leaving rehab, my wife began having an EA with a friend from high-school who she reconnected with on Facebook. He's the opposite of me...much more open-minded, buddist, and gave her all of those warm-and-fuzzies for many months. She tried to meet him several times but he wasn't interested. When I found out, I was crushed and stated on that day that I would change to save the marriage and appreciate her. I made my amends and after 6 months of 180 stuff she finally came around - mostly to save the family. It was difficult for her to cut things off with her EA.

We relocated about 8 months ago together...bought a big house, a boat together, trying to start fresh in another place without all the outside BS. Despite all of this STUFF, our relationship only got worse. She went into depression (off and on), didn't really try to meet friends, and started using Facebook more and more. We became distanced and once again, I started flirting with women online as an escape. 

About a month ago she found out and saw it all. Since then we have been living together but it's been really tough. She went to see a counselor for the first time a few weeks ago and they told her we are highly-dependent and in a toxic relationship. There are clearly some deep issues going on and I'm not sure why I went online again but I did. 

I'm confused and don't know which way to turn right now. It seems so dark and so broken that I can't even imagine repairing this. We both love our children very much and still have a deep connection. Despite all these issues, I want more than anything else to keep our family together and to get the help we need to be healthier as a family. She is asking for a separation and says she has no love for me right now and absolutely no trust ( which is understandable). I am confident that if I can embrace my recovery, I can remain healthy with or without her. I've got to move on here and cut all of the unhealthy away. I tried to 180 for a few days and it worked for a couple days only to make things worse. 

Right now she is back to talking to her old EA. She says they text and email once or twice a week and refuses to stop. This is the part that is DRIVING ME CRAZY. I have horrible memories of her chatting with him for hours a couple years ago and she has told me in the past that she has had strong feelings for him. I have stopped all bad behaviors for over 3 months and am wanting to reconcile. She does not and is committed to continuing to talk to him even while I am in the house. 

Should I allow this? What can I do here? I feel trapped and am not dealing with this very well to say the least.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's difficult to bring her to the table when your hands aren't clean.

What was your childhood like?

Hers?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

livingstrong said:


> Right now she is back to talking to her old EA. She says they text and email once or twice a week and refuses to stop. .. Should I allow this? What can I do here? I feel trapped and am not dealing with this very well to say the least.


It's not whether or not to "allow it". You can't dictate what she can or cannot do.

All you can control is your own response to it.

Some guys would kick her to the curb, others would drop to their knees and beg them to stop, yet others would sort of sit back and wait to see where things go.

I'm more of a "kick her to the curb" sort of guy myself, no person on the face of this planet is worth so much that they deserve to treat me like yesterday's old garbage.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Without any recognition of how he's treated her?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

I'd deal with the situation as it presently exists.

Put the past where it belongs, IN the past.

She's involved with this new guy, by him blaming himself for her actions is only going to make him feel worse, it's not going to bring her home (literally and figuratively).


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## livingstrong (Jun 6, 2012)

Tonight we had dinner out - she continually jokes and makes comments about our future separation and living apart. The comments are annoying. She just walks around like everything is fine and okay. I mentioned to her that I bought some books tonight and she just rolled her eyes. 

Really annoying. You know a year ago we went through something similar. When I finally got fed up and ready to sign the lease, she broke down and changed 100% (for a couple weeks).

My wife is manipulative and wants to keep her lifestyle but not her relationship with me (who provides it all). I keep trying for our 3 boys.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Stop trying.

She's enjoying her affair and you're enabling her.

Serve her with divorce papers NOW. Don't buy books. Books are for people who want to learn. Your wife doesn't want to learn a damn thing. 

File for divorce.

Your next post better be about having filed the papers. Trust me, it's your only chance at saving your dignity and maybe your marriage.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Agree with Synthetic. The divorce can be stopped anytime. Seeing the divorce papers may bring her back to her senses. Don't waste any time.


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## livingstrong (Jun 6, 2012)

I wish it was that simple. The reality is that it's not. 

1) The state of NC requires separation for 1 year prior to filing for divorce.

2) We moved to NC about a year ago and are in the process of going back to PA. We own a huge home here that will likely take months to even get ready to sell. It could easily be 6 months before the move home.

3) I am living in our guest house (attached to home only by garage) but we technically share the same address so we technically are still living together. 

4) With our mortgage, (she doesn't work), neither one of us could afford to move out at this point in time. 


Seems so complicated.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Is she looking for work?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

livingstrong said:


> Tonight we had dinner out - she continually jokes and makes comments about our future separation and living apart. The comments are annoying. She just walks around like everything is fine and okay. I mentioned to her that I bought some books tonight and she just rolled her eyes.


She mocks any attempt you make to fix things. She laughs about the demise of your marriage. She's not the least bit remorseful. 



livingstrong said:


> You know a year ago we went through something similar. When I finally got fed up and ready to sign the lease, she broke down and changed 100% (for a couple weeks).


Obviously she got scared and cleaned up her act but it only lasted a few weeks because she's not into it. She's not into YOU. 



livingstrong said:


> My wife is manipulative and wants to keep her lifestyle but not her relationship with me (who provides it all).


I was going to say that. She has the best of both worlds.. conenience and comfort of existing lifestyle but she can do as she pleases with other guys with no repurcussions. 



livingstrong said:


> I keep trying for our 3 boys.


How does this situation help your 3 boys? If anything it's a model of a dysfunctional relationship. They'll be likely to repeat your mistakes. Teach them to be real men not a doormat and not put up with this sort of crap from any woman.

She's screwing other guys and you're out buying relationship repair books and continuing to provide for her. Nice.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First of all, the OP shares some blame in this from way back:

"I started interacting with women on the internet, which then begun to lead to more" So livingstrong, what was the "more"? Did it go physical?

It's obvious to me that your wife has completely checked out at this point. I agree with some of the others like Bandit. It's time to pronounce this one, stick a toe tag on it and move on.

Take your lumps, learn to address the issues and actions that got you to this point so that you don't repeat them in your next relationship(s)


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## Leah123 (Jul 12, 2012)

I feel like your struggles with your wife have many similarities to what I have been dealing with. I wish I could say time will heal all wounds but sometimes it does. You have invested many years into. Building and holding your family together. It should never be forgotten. I may be alone on this but, marriage is sacred. I think you should fight to the very end for what you want.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ah, good 'ol Aquarius. (I am one, too).

Check it out: if she doesn't want to be with you, let her go. Save yourself and be the best father for your kids.

It takes two to make a marriage work. If she doesn't want any part of it, do not try to hang on for dear life while she drags you 50 mph from a car. Just let go of the rope. 

You deserve to be with someone who wants you just as much as you want them.


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