# My journey-sex,porn,chat rooms,dating sites ,manning up...etc



## heregoes (Sep 16, 2011)

I've read a lot of posts on here and thought "thats me" or "that was me".I've often thought about replying to these people but its so hard to write a few lines without going into a novel on where I'm coming from,so here it is the good ,bad and the ugly of my journey so far.(Hope it helps someone)

Me

I'm just an ordinary hard working and like to think responsibe,intelligent guy.I'm a nice guy by nature ,but at the same time am no push over.

BK -Before kids

Ok so these were the good times, young and in love,sex 2-3 times a week.It seemed like the good times would never end ,though many tried to warn me they would.Even after marriage it stayed the same so I thought it was going to be a dream ride.Then....

Pregnancy and Kids

It was great fun making babies, but the aftermath wasn't so great.My wife didn't do pregnancy well ,so it was basically 4 years of exhaustion ,nausea and no sex.I missed the sex greatly ,but never made an issue of it as i knew my wife needed support not harrassment.The result was our beautiful 2 children and things did settle down eventually and there seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel.

The new World Order

The kids were getting older,life was getting back on track...but gasp...sex was now once every 1 to 2 weeks.Sex was my relief in life,I didn't have a sports car or fishing boat in the garage...my life revolved around work and family.My wife wasn't any slacker either,she pulled her weight equally in the relationship.I really missed the sex and started thinking.....

Where did it all go wrong ....I can fix it

I started trawling though forums like this one looking for answers,but even though a lot of people seemed to be having a great sex life and know all the answers,none of these answers helped me.I mean I already did my fair share around the house,helped with the kids, my family was my life after all.Being a romantic at heart I went out of my way to make valentines and birthdays special.I was always buying her flowers and leaving notes about the house ,but none of this ever resulted in sex.Then I started reading the other posts....

Planting the Seed

Reading posts with words like "deserve " and "wifes duty" started to make me think it was all my wifes fault and she was just being mean and unreasonable.This was when we started having the "talks".I told her about my unhappiness with our sex life and the need to change.She told me she enjoyed sex and needed it ,but not as often as me.She said she would try harder to have sex more often.The next week would be good,but 3 weeks later it would slip back to where it was before and we would be having the "talk" all over again,with her seemingly unaware that we had ever had this conversation before.Six months of this was enough for me ,then came.....

Frustration and Resentment

My frustration of not getting what I thought I "deserved" lead me to really start resenting her.Even though my wife had put on weight and lost her great figure,I still thought she was the sexiest woman on the planet...and it was driving me crazy that i wasn't having sex with her.I couldn't bear to be alone with her and started making excuses not to go to bed when she did,I would wait up until she had gone to sleep ,then go to bed..or even fall asleep on the couch.Then I discovered the internet...

Porn ,chat rooms and Dating sites

At first it was porn,which was exciting for a while...but really lacked that connection with another person.Then I dicovered chat rooms and the addiction began.I found lots of women that sympathised with me and even wanted to have sex with me.It was a real ego trip and seemed to back up my theory that my wife was the guilty party.I hid my addiction well and my resentment of her reached all time highs.All the women i chatted to were a long way from me ,so cheating with them would have been impossible.It was then i decided to find someone closer ,so i put a profile on a Dating site.I got my first reply.Then it hit me....

The Age of Reason

What the hell was I doing.I was going to flush everything I had down the toilet for what...sex?.I knew I had to make a decision ,it was either"stay and put up and shut up" or "leave".Well I decided to stay and lead me to .....

Manning Up

Now "manning up" means a lot of things to a lot of people,but for me it means living up to my responsibilities.I have a great wife and family, the only real problem ,for me ,is sex.The thing that never sunk into my head before is that my wife is perfectly happy with our sex life the way it is.To make her have more sex would make me happy with our sex life,but make her equally unhappy with our sex life.To come to a compromise,would make us both equally unhappy with our sex life.So I guess there is always a "loser"...just happens to be me in this case.I might as well "man up" and live with it.

Acceptance

Accepting that in life we don't always get what we want has been a hard lesson for me to learn.Don't know if I'm there yet....time will tell.


----------



## looking4support (Sep 12, 2011)

wow, thank you for sharing!


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Great post.. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unacceptable. 

Sex is not trivial. Sex builds and maintains emotional intimacy between spouses. Sex is the maximum physical expression of love and devotion to one another. Sex is loving embraces, caresses, passionate and romantic kisses, and tender words of love to our wives during the day. Sex is life.


----------



## looking4support (Sep 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> Unacceptable.
> 
> Sex is not trivial. Sex builds and maintains emotional intimacy between spouses. Sex is the maximum physical expression of love and devotion to one another. Sex is loving embraces, caresses, passionate and romantic kisses, and tender words of love to our wives during the day. Sex is life.


While I definitly agree that it sucks that he and the W are not having sex as often as I he likes, I am just commenting on how self-aware he is. I am in the same situation with my H and it opened a new window for me to look through. If my H is depressed and can't/doesn't want to perform, I can over look it becuase I love him and will wait until he is ready.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Interesting that you read on the internet about others getting sex and so you thought you deserved it and thus the resentment started and escalated.

Maybe we should just all turn off our computers now and go live life without trying to keep up with others. 

Seriously, you have to take everything you read with a grain of salt and not let it get to you so much. You and your wife have to work out what works for your relationship, not what you read about on some online forum.

Sex is important in a relationship, but as you have found out its degree of importance can differ between each person and can differ over time and circumstances.

One thing that I think would be helpful is if your wife has an elightenment as well and she may if you two work on it together.

Do you try and work on the relationship together? Have you tried working through the "His Needs Her Needs" book and the marriagebuilders.com emotional needs and lovebusters worksheets together?

Have you tried working through the "5 Love Languages" together? Have you gone to any marriage seminars, workshops, or counselling together? What are you doing TOGETHER to try and improve your marriage?

For your wife, the emotional intimacy may be more where it's at and maybe she's subsisting on a low enough level that it's tolerable for her. But what would happen if that increased? What would happen if HER awareness increased?

Best wishes.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

heregoes said:


> Porn ,chat rooms and Dating sites
> 
> At first it was porn,which was exciting for a while...but really lacked that connection with another person.Then I dicovered chat rooms and the addiction began.I found lots of women that sympathised with me and even wanted to have sex with me.It was a real ego trip and seemed to back up my theory that my wife was the guilty party.I hid my addiction well and my resentment of her reached all time highs.All the women i chatted to were a long way from me ,so cheating with them would have been impossible.It was then i decided to find someone closer ,so i put a profile on a Dating site.I got my first reply.Then it hit me....


I hope this is what my H experienced! He was doing everything you mention all the way down to the dating site profile  But something happened a few months ago and all of a sudden he just doesn't even look at porn anymore. I didn't get onto him for that really, other than "don't browse it on your phone with me sitting right there next to you". I got onto him for the personals, etc. But he doesn't do any of that anymore. And we've been getting along better the last few months than we had in years! Thank you for sharing your story


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

morituri said:


> Unacceptable.
> 
> Sex is not trivial. Sex builds and maintains emotional intimacy between spouses. Sex is the maximum physical expression of love and devotion to one another. Sex is loving embraces, caresses, passionate and romantic kisses, and tender words of love to our wives during the day. Sex is life.


Ditto.

I`d rather be a divorced "Winner" than a married "Loser".

I wonder why the OP believes his needs are less important than his wife's?


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

morituri said:


> Unacceptable.
> 
> Sex is not trivial. Sex builds and maintains emotional intimacy between spouses. Sex is the maximum physical expression of love and devotion to one another. Sex is loving embraces, caresses, passionate and romantic kisses, and tender words of love to our wives during the day. Sex is life.


Personally, I agree. There was a football manager here in the UK who said that "football isn't a matter of life and death - it's more important than that.". Now some people would agree with him and others would laugh. I think the same thing is true of your statement: just because _*we*_ believe it doesn't mean everyone does.



tacoma said:


> Ditto.
> 
> I`d rather be a divorced "Winner" than a married "Loser".
> 
> I wonder why the OP believes his needs are less important than his wife's?


I think he's pointing out that it's a zero-sum game: for him to "win" his wife loses or vice-versa. That there's no "win-win" scenario - and it's easier for him to dial back than twist her arm.


----------

