# Hyper sexual females



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....

Do you think about sex every day?

Do you always orgasm?

Do you have multiple orgasms?

How quickly do you orgasm, have you ever orgasmed on initial penetration, or within a few seconds?

Have you ever blacked out in orgasm...

How much of your sexuality do you attribute to your partner?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum,.....


Women on this forum are not ‘hyper sexual’ any more than men who want sex daily are several times a week are ‘hyper sexual’. 

Most women love sex and love it often when things are good in their relationship.

Did you know that men are a likely to choose to make their marriage sexless as women are? 



Woodchuck said:


> ….., what advice can you give to women who are not.....


Get the book “Mating in Captivity”. 

Make sure you pick a man who understands that sex is a two way activity.


Woodchuck said:


> Do you think about sex every day?


yes


Woodchuck said:


> Do you have multiple orgasms?


yes


Woodchuck said:


> How quickly do you orgasm, ….?


How quick? There is no schedule. It’s different depending on what we are up to.


Woodchuck said:


> ….have you ever orgasmed on initial penetration, or within a few seconds?


Did you know that 75% of women cannot orgasm from PIV? We are not built to do that. Not enough stimulation.



Woodchuck said:


> Have you ever blacked out in orgasm...


Yes.. quite a few times.


Woodchuck said:


> How much of your sexuality do you attribute to your partner?


I own my own sexuality. Why I would attribute my sexuality to another person is beyond me.

How much do you attribute your sexuality to your wife/partner?

What advice would you give to a man who is LD or does not want sex with their wife/partner?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

So here is what is interesting to me, the men on TAM that clearly know very little about women's sexuality tend to be sex deprived. The problem to them is that women are LD they do not understand women in general.

The men of TAM that do get plenty (Personal, MR, CH et al) are the ones that come across as being more in tune with women and their sexuality, the don't start threads with out of touch concepts like "most women are LD etc".

OP we are not hyper sexual, we are just normal women. In my circle of friends, family, peers, co workers pretty much ALL enjoy sex on a very regular basis. those that are not in relationships very much want to find a good man to have a great sex life with, not so easy to do at times though.

But for a bit of Thursday night fun I will reply to the questions:

*Do you think about sex every day?*
Yes many times a day. If I am super busy then it won't always be a spontaneous thought but it does not take much for my mind to be distracted, a fit road cyclist, a gorgeous man in a well cut suit etc.

If I am not deeply involved in whatever I am doing then I have random sexual thoughts very often.

* Do you always orgasm?*
97% of the time. The other 3% I will just tell him I'm not going to get there but he is welcome to go for his life.

* Do you have multiple orgasms?*
Yes I do with Mr H via oral, anywhere up to about 6, sure I could go further but I need to do some more work on letting go of my mind. He would keep me going a lot longer if I let him.

*How quickly do you orgasm, have you ever orgasmed on initial penetration, or within a few seconds?*
Strangely the only man I have ever O'ed with within a few seconds is my very LD ex, so long between drinks and a girl will blow her stack very fast.

*Have you ever blacked out in orgasm...*
No but close. I actually enjoy to be half hanging off the bed at times and this certainly makes the blood rush to my head.
I have had many times where I am so exhausted afterwards I can barely move.

*How much of your sexuality do you attribute to your partner?
*
Well I agree with EG on this one but also have a different opinion as well.
My partner is extremely positive, complimentary, loving, generous and engaged in not just our lives but our sex life that he does in an in direct way add to my healthy sense of my sexuality.
He has a very high EQ, I feel free with him and can be anything from vanilla (just want a good old fashioned r.oot) to wild and dominating. 

But TBH OP I don't think this is a matter of sexually confident women teaching any other woman anything. As EG said most women have a healthy desire but that can easily be turned off if their relationship is poor quality, their man is not a decent man, if he is a bully, lazy, disgusting etc. 
I am very HD but would not touch many of the guys discussed on TAM by fed up wives, with a barge pole. That would not make me LD, it would make me low tolerance to di.ckheads.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I really feel that sex is largely what you "jointly" want to make out of it, and more often than not, without any due regard to gender!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Oooh... I'll play too .



Woodchuck said:


> *Do you think about sex every day?*
> 
> Yes. Every day. Off and on all throughout the day. I either think about sex we already had, or sex that we will have later. I really only think about sex with my SO though, not sex in general. I cannot stop thinking about how sexy he is to me.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....


First *stop* and think of a female question asking you the same:
_
"With so many men having HD in this forum, what advice could you give to men who are not....."_

Once you wrap your head around that you might realize the question comes across from a blind person asking help from another blind person mixed in with a bunch of ambiguous and somewhat humorous misinformation from trollish people in pain. 










and










A better question to ask might be:

_
"With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice could you give to men who struggle to cope with an LD partner....."_

...and you'd probably get some useful feedback!

Reagards, 
Badsanta


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> How much of your sexuality do you attribute to your partner?



My sexuality is in me. My expression of it is entirely attributed to my partner.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Personal said:


> Be true to yourself.


Probably as good an answer as any. I am surprised and delighted at how many have replied. I think what prompted me to start this thread was the number of guys who were LD.....That always amazed me....I am going to follow up with a thread for them...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> First *stop* and think of a female question asking you the same:
> _
> "With so many men having HD in this forum, what advice could you give to men who are not....."_
> 
> ...


I intend to start that thread...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> My sexuality is in me. My expression of it is entirely attributed to my partner.


I always knew I was high functioning HD...My now wife and I met by accident, and dated quite some time before becoming intimate. We were both stunned by our physical chemistry. She had never orgasmed with a partner, but was highly orgasmic every time we made love....We were living together, and inseparable within the week....We married within 4 months of our first date...She was my instrument, I was her musician, we had been created to be in tune, and the music was as natural as rain on the roof....We will be together 50 years in February...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> First *stop* and think of a female question asking you the same:
> _
> "With so many men having HD in this forum, what advice could you give to men who are not....."_
> 
> ...


I don't think there is any way to make an LD male anything but LD....I feel the same about LD women...I know for a fact, that a female can be HD and not know it, if she has never had a partner that was interested in her sexual pleasure....

On the other hand, LD men and women could be brought to orgasm numerous times, and after the experience, would think no more of it than chewing a stick of gum....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> *I don't think there is any way to make an LD male anything but LD*....I feel the same about LD women...I know for a fact, that a female can be HD and not know it, if she has never had a partner that was interested in her sexual pleasure....
> 
> On the other hand, LD men and women could be brought to orgasm numerous times, and after the experience, would think no more of it than chewing a stick of gum....


Testosterone might very well do it, if the LD is hormonal.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
in defense of the HD men in HD/LD relationships here (or self defense actually), some of them are very much in touch with women's sexuality, some have had very passionate relationships with different women in the past.

Some HD(m)/LD(w) relationships are do to men not knowing how to please their partners (in and out of bed), but some people really are just naturally LD and there is nothing the HD person can possibly do about it.




Holland said:


> So here is what is interesting to me, the men on TAM that clearly know very little about women's sexuality tend to be sex deprived. The problem to them is that women are LD they do not understand women in general.
> 
> The men of TAM that do get plenty (Personal, MR, CH et al) are the ones that come across as being more in tune with women and their sexuality, the don't start threads with out of touch concepts like "most women are LD etc".
> 
> ...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Testosterone might very well do it, if the LD is hormonal.


It is possible, but I have seen what must be scores of LD males on this forum who did not respond to T....

But now that you bring up the subject, there are cases of androgen resistant males. They have female secondary sex characteristics, but have normal T levels..Their bodies do not respond to T.....Might be part of the problem....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes, that is sometimes the case. It may be due to excess estrogen because of too much belly fat (which is also a testosterone antagonist) or a diet that increases estrogen production (e.g., one rich in soy).


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> So here is what is interesting to me, the men on TAM that clearly know very little about women's sexuality tend to be sex deprived. The problem to them is that women are LD they do not understand women in general.
> 
> The men of TAM that do get plenty (Personal, MR, CH et al) are the ones that come across as being more in tune with women and their sexuality, the don't start threads with out of touch concepts like "most women are LD etc".
> 
> ...


If you had never had a partner that was interested in your pleasure, would you have realized something was wrong?

I ask because my wife was very HD, but did not realize it till we became intimate... In fact she had no use for men, and yet with a loving, gentle, and ardent approach she was 100% PIV orgasmic....

The sexual philosophy of a man, his respect, and desire to make her experience an extremely pleasurable one makes all the difference....My philosophy was...When we made love, I wanted wake up in the morning to her calling to ask if we can do breakfast....Unfortunately, "Hit it and quit it" seems to be all too popular....


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> *I don't think you can make someone WANT to have sex with you if they are not into you or don't want to. Believe me, I have tried.*
> 
> Do you think about sex every day? *Yes*
> ...


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## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> 
> Do you think about sex every day?
> 
> ...


Hope this helps and if you have more questions than PM me:smile2:


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You ladies of TAM answered a group of questions that I made up using my wife of 50 years as a template.. I am seeing a lot in common. I asked for HD women because I doubt if an LD person would be willing to answer. I also asked HD males some similar questions....

I only wish it was possible to find a way to match up HD men and women, and prevent the misery of mismatched marriages... I think men and women should be aware of their own sexual needs, and that there are men or women out there who are compatible with them...But I don't think that will happen till people know enough to ask the right questions......Thank all of you....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> You ladies of TAM answered a group of questions that I made up using my wife of 50 years as a template.. I am seeing a lot in common. I asked for HD women because I doubt if an LD person would be willing to answer. *I also asked HD males some similar questions.... *
> 
> I only wish it was possible to find a way to match up HD men and women, and prevent the misery of mismatched marriages... I think men and women should be aware of their own sexual needs, and that there are men or women out there who are compatible with them...But I don't think that will happen till people know enough to ask the right questions......Thank all of you....


The questions you asked the men are not similar at all to the ones that you asked the women. There is only one question that is similar *”Do you think about sex every day?”*

Here is what you asked the men……



Woodchuck said:


> I was curious about how hyper sexual females thought about their sexuality. Many did not identify as hyper sexual, and thought they were just "normal"....Men married to LD women would of course not agree...So I want to ask a few questions to the male half of our community...
> 
> Do you identify as HD or hyper sexual?
> 
> ...


Here is what you asked the women.



Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> 
> *Do you think about sex every day? *
> 
> ...


Your questions are definitely biased with the assumption that HD women are unusual while HD men are the norm.

Yet, as I’ve stated before, studies show that men chose to make their marriages sexless as often as women do. So clearly there is an issue with the assumptions that women are LD.


Woodchuck said:


> I was curious about how hyper sexual females thought about their sexuality. *Many did not identify as hyper sexual, and thought they were just "normal"....Men married to LD women would of course not agree*...So I want to ask a few questions to the male half of our community...


Guess what, women with LD husbands (or husbands who refuse to have sex) would definitely disagree that HD men are the norm… women who experience this learn that the social stigma of the male who wants sex all the time and the LD women are false stereo types. Perpetuating the stereo type does not help anyone.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> I ask because my wife was very HD, but did not realize it till we became intimate... In fact she had no use for men, and yet with a loving, gentle, and ardent approach she was 100% PIV orgasmic....
> 
> The sexual philosophy of a man, his respect, and desire to make her experience an extremely pleasurable one makes all the difference....My philosophy was...When we made love, I wanted wake up in the morning to her calling to ask if we can do breakfast....Unfortunately, "Hit it and quit it" seems to be all too popular....


I'm not HD so can't offer any insights. I get a lot out of reading post from HD women. One common theme is that they have very positive, open attitudes about sex, are comfortable with their sexuality and like themselves. 

There may be many more women who are HD but inhibitory garbage or bad experiences make them seem LD. Are HD women naturally comfortable with their sexuality or are women who are comfortable with their sexuality naturally HD?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I'm not HD so can't offer any insights. I get a lot out of reading post from HD women. One common theme is that they have very positive, open attitudes about sex, are comfortable with their sexuality and like themselves.
> 
> There may be many more women who are HD but inhibitory garbage or bad experiences make them seem LD. Are HD women naturally comfortable with their sexuality or are women comfortable with their sexuality naturally HD?


I am so glad you feel you gained some insight from this thread, Your post has some excellent points....How can a woman have confidence If she has had one or more experiences with an uncaring or unskilled partner....I can tell you are an intelligent person, and am willing to bet you can address any issues you have...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I'm not HD so can't offer any insights. I get a lot out of reading post from HD women. One common theme is that they have very positive, open attitudes about sex, are comfortable with their sexuality and like themselves.
> 
> There may be many more women who are HD but inhibitory garbage or bad experiences make them seem LD. *Are HD women naturally comfortable with their sexuality or are women who are comfortable with their sexuality naturally HD*?


Very good question. My guess is that women who have not bought into the things we are taught that make many women uncomfortable with their sexuality are more likely to be high drive.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Very good question. My guess is that women who have not bought into the things we are taught that make many women uncomfortable with their sexuality are more likely to be high drive.


I have an issue that ties into this, and really sucks...I suspect that many HD males could care less about whether their partner enjoys her sexual experience....As unfair as it seems, a woman's enjoyment is usually predicated on at least some rudimentary skill and concern on the part of her partner....So the numbers of HD males and females may be irrelevant, as a male who is HD must also be willing to make his partners pleasure as important as his own...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Very good question. My guess is that women who have not bought into the things we are taught that make many women uncomfortable with their sexuality are more likely to be high drive.


My wife was raised in a sexually repressed house. I think it definitely made her responsive in desire. She doesn't initiate, but then is unhappy if I do not. I don't get turned down, and she's not selfish once it starts. As for a match to a very HD dude, she certainly makes me happy.

I do wonder a bit about where the repression did come from. MIL is uptight, no doubt. She has two brothers who are total horndogs OTOH. Nothing over the line, but over the years I've gotten the hints that they and their wives continue to be very active. Ditto for the cousins from both of my wife's uncles.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> I have an issue that ties into this, and really sucks...I suspect that many HD males could care less about whether their partner enjoys her sexual experience....


From experience, lower drive men can be just as disinterested in their partner’s enjoyment of their partner’s sexual experience as HD men. Some men just see sex as something that is for them.

Part of this could be that until not too long ago, people were taught that women do not enjoy sex; that women only have sex because that’s what their husband/partner wants. For a long time women who had sexual desire were considered to have a mental health issue that was called ‘hysteria’. The vibrator was invented by doctors to treat women who ‘suffered’ from hysteria. Of course men/husbands were taught that sex was only for them.

I do know one woman who has always been HD. She married HD man who, after marriage refused to do anything for her during sex… it was nightly and only for him. He used to rant on about how feminism ruined women because it taught women that they could have orgasms. (What a jerk!) She left him, found a HD guy who she has a very good sex life with.



Woodchuck said:


> As unfair as it seems, a woman's enjoyment is usually predicated on at least some rudimentary skill and concern on the part of her partner....So the numbers of HD males and females may be irrelevant, as a male who is HD must also be willing to make his partners pleasure as important as his own...


I see this a bit differently. Why? Because some woman, HD or LD, can be as disinterested in pleasing her husband/partner as a man can be. Look at this forum. Look at the men who are dissatisfied with their sex life because their partner could care less about what her male partner likes and wants in sex. I think that women also need to develop at least some rudimentary sills and concern for their partner as well.

The fact is that most people, male and female, who appear to be LD are not LD. They have normal drives (or what we call HD) but do not want sex with their partner. Basically they are turned off to their partner. The major reason that a person (male and female) withdraws sexually in a relationship is because they harbor anger and/or resentment towards their partner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> My wife was raised in a sexually repressed house. I think it definitely made her responsive in desire. She doesn't initiate, but then is unhappy if I do not. I don't get turned down, and she's not selfish once it starts. As for a match to a very HD dude, she certainly makes me happy.
> 
> I do wonder a bit about where the repression did come from. MIL is uptight, no doubt. She has two brothers who are total horndogs OTOH. Nothing over the line, but over the years I've gotten the hints that they and their wives continue to be very active. Ditto for the cousins from both of my wife's uncles.


It was very common in the past to raise girls to be sexually repressed and boys to be horndogs. It sounds like her family might have been like that.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I was raise in a family that neither encouraged or discourage sexual confidence so I don't think there is any impact there.

I was however raised in a family (2 boys, 2 girls) that treated each person as an individual regardless of gender. We were raised with an equity, needs based type of mentality. 

4 out of 4 of us have very healthy sex drives, are intelligent, critical thinkers, know our worth and are generally good, non repressed people. We are 4 very different individuals, some similarities as in good solid core values but we are all unique.

To me the best predicator to a longer term healthy sex drive is being raised as a valued human, not for which gender you are but based on our worth as people. This is how I raise my kids.

My LD ex (male) on the other hand was raised in a very repressed family.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> 
> Do you think about sex every day? *Yes*
> 
> ...


Maybe LD women should look into whether or not they are truly attracted to their partner? Is LD innate or does it depend on exterior factors? I have no idea, and no advice in this respect. It's a complex issue.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Omego said:


> Maybe LD women should look into whether or not they are truly attracted to their partner? Is LD innate or does it depend on exterior factors? I have no idea, and no advice in this respect. It's a complex issue.


THIS ^ ^

I completely agree. I think "true LDs" are pretty rare. In all likelihood, most are just paired up with people who they aren't really attracted to in the right way. Not an easy problem to overcome. Sure, they might be able to improve their sex lives through focused effort, but you can't just magically produce attraction. IMHO, if it's not there - it's not there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

OK, what about where the LD female partner was all over the male to the point of distraction during courtship and whatnot, fought off other suitable suitors, but then kids and mortgages and PTO and so on and the male is certain this affectionless way of life is not what he signed up for? Has other options. But a conscience and sense of commitment. Punches trees on trail runs instead.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

I think most LD women don't have a low desire for sex but have a low desire for their spouse.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Spitfire said:


> I think most LD women don't have a low desire for sex but have a low desire for their spouse.


If so, then why don't these LDs have the decency to admit this and discuss ending the relationship, so both can look for happier, more fulfilling partners?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> If so, then why don't these LDs have the decency to admit this and discuss ending the relationship, so both can look for happier, more fulfilling partners?


This is a fair question. My spouse basically tackled me and took me out of other relationships (I as willing participant) and then led me into an affectionless hell.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> OK, what about where the LD female partner was all over the male to the point of distraction during courtship and whatnot, fought off other suitable suitors, but then kids and mortgages and PTO and so on and the male is certain this affectionless way of life is not what he signed up for? Has other options. But a conscience and sense of commitment. Punches trees on trail runs instead.


Because, over time, the lack of compatibility of personality, goals, affection, humor, and attitude toward sex became apparent until he was no longer attractive to her.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Because, over time, the lack of compatibility of personality, goals, affection, humor, and attitude toward sex became apparent until he was no longer attractive to her.


Oddly, my dear, the effect, over time, has been to quash attraction I had for her. So the punching trees stuff was about a decade ago. Now she asks out loud whether I am even attracted to her. You did this. Made it so. I'm sorry. Not really.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> Oddly, my dear, the effect, over time, has been to quash attraction I had for her.


Or the attraction you had for her. 


> So the punching trees stuff was about a decade ago. Now she asks out loud whether I am even attracted to her. You did this. Made it so. I'm sorry. Not really.


****ty.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> *I only wish it was possible to find a way to match up HD men and women, and prevent the misery of mismatched marriages...* I think men and women should be aware of their own sexual needs, and that there are men or women out there who are compatible with them...But I don't think that will happen till people know enough to ask the right questions......Thank all of you....



DRAMATIZATION:

As Phil was driving Martha home from their first date together, he was interested in a second date, but before he could go any further he needed to make sure the relationship would not be a sexual mismatch. So Phil proceeded to ask Martha when she was a child if she grew up with positive and healthy views about her sexuality, but before she could answer Phil proceeded to tell stories about how he joyfully masturbated growing up and that his mom never taught him sexual disgust and shame when he would be going at it on the living room couch and watching an R-rated movie. His mom would simply tell him to get ready to go out for dinner and give Phil his privacy....

Six hours later Phil awoke in the emergency room handcuffed to the bed. Martha had tasered him and called the police and gave them an account about how he started talking and asking her about early childhood sexual development.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> If so, then why don't these LDs have the decency to admit this and discuss ending the relationship, so both can look for happier, more fulfilling partners?


Because I think most people labor under the illusion that a marriage should last for ever. In a different time it might have lasted forever, when forever involved one or both spouses dying before the age of 40. I struggle with this idea myself. My rational mind tells me that this is simply reality, but by emotional heart is still attached to the fantasy of forever.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I understand your point Ynot, but by emotional heart is still attached to the fantasy of having sex with my spouse. Competing needs, I guess.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Because I think most people labor under the illusion that a marriage should last for ever. In a different time it might have lasted forever, when forever involved one or both spouses dying before the age of 40. I struggle with this idea myself. My rational mind tells me that this is simply reality, but by emotional heart is still attached to the fantasy of forever.


Two decades in, I believe in forever. I believe that I will be with my husband forever. And will enjoy all that that entails. He believes the same.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ya know, sometimes these forums make me very nervous about attempting a relationship again because of the sex question. Because honestly I don't know if I'm LD, HD or in the middle. I had sex before marriage but I was living with my parents and then a girls only dorm (no men allowed) and finally a roommate which hampered activity. So usually only on weekends and not always/every weekend depending on my relationship status. And then I was married. 

He would want sex every day several times if I was up for it. And at first every day was fine. But his constant criticism of sex (I wasn't adventurous enough - really, we've only been together a few months - how many tricks am I supposed to have at 20? Isn't sex about growing with each other?) or my body, or everything, really. The longer we were together the more he criticized, yelled and eventually hit. THAT is a mood killer. Finally I got to where I'd have sex 3x a week to shut him up. I never initiated and he complained about that. I told him I never got a chance to WANT to initiate because he always beat me to it. Definitely more responsive desire and he certainly shut down my responsiveness.

So since as a single mother with only having every other weekend to date, I have NO IDEA how I would be in a relationship anymore. I don't want to mislead anyone. But it's hugely dependent on the relationship and feeling loved, valued and SAFE.



Woodchuck said:


> *Do you think about sex every day?*
> 
> Yes, and I'm the queen of double entendre. Do I think about it because I want it or I'm horny? No. I just do.
> 
> ...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Two decades in, I believe in forever. I believe that I will be with my husband forever. And will enjoy all that that entails. He believes the same.


I was 24 years in. I believed in forever as well, but sometimes you aren't given a choice are you?

But the fact is that any marriage has probably only a 50/50 chance of survival. People are living longer, lives change, people change.

If you and your spouse are compatible for life, I am happy for you. As for me, I can only see forever as the illusion that it is. In the meantime don't take it for granted.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

This has become interesting in the discussion of whether marriage or any other committed relationship is not really committed but optional. It's all optional. Just people select differently.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Harken Banks said:


> This has become interesting in the discussion of whether marriage or any other committed relationship is not really committed but optional. It's all optional. Just people select differently.


It is all optional. We freely choose to get married and we can freely choose otherwise.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Or the attraction you had for her.
> 
> 
> ****ty.


Well, you might be right, except that you are not. Lovely vernacular. So my wife is now distressed by my lack of romantic interest. How did that happen? You can ask her. She's on the boards.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> Well, you might be right, except that you are not. Lovely vernacular. So my wife is now by my lack of romantic interest. How did that happen? You can ask her. She's on the boards.


I don't understand. I was agreeing that this happened to you. So I am clearly missing something.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't understand. I was agreeing that this happened to you. So I am clearly missing something.


Maybe I misread. I took your comment "Or the attraction you had for her" as juxtaposition. If that was not as intended, then my fault.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> Maybe I misread. I took your comment "Or the attraction you had for her" as juxtaposition. If that was not as intended, then my fault.


No I meant that incompatibility, personality and all that jazz can cause a degradation in attraction for ANYONE not just a female and that it sounded like that happened to you. And that is a bummer.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> No I meant that incompatibility, personality and all that jazz can cause a degradation in attraction for ANYONE not just a female and that it sounded like that happened to you. And that is a bummer.


I think that is right. It doesn't make me sad. To quote Faulkner, "Is." What do we do from here?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think alot of idea that some women are more sexual than others is due to some women wanting to use sex to gain control of the relationship. If you give your H/partner sex whenever he wants, you lose a means of controlling him.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Two of the three most sexually enthusiastic long term partners I had would have been considered very LD. One was too nervous to have sex and was a virgon and the other thought it had to be endured to keep men happy. (lest this be boasting, I might well have put HD women off it too).


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I think alot of idea that some women are more sexual than others is due to some women wanting to use sex to gain control of the relationship. If you give your H/partner sex whenever he wants, you lose a means of controlling him.


And if as a corollary he throws in the towel on you it's a pyrrhic victory.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> If so, then why don't these LDs have the decency to admit this and discuss ending the relationship, so both can look for happier, more fulfilling partners?


Sometimes they do. Sometimes women just get it wrong the first time. I know people who have gotten married for the wrong reasons, myself included the first time around. How many times have I heard: "He's really smart, funny and nice and we get along well." That's just not enough. Sometimes we're insecure when young and think we need to get married in order to have some stability, because it's the right thing to do, etc.. The reasons are endless....

I ended my first marriage even though we had several children. I wasn't LD but H did reveal after the fact that he felt that he was alone in the relationship and that it wasn't satisfying to him. We get along well now. He's better off with his current partner instead of being with a wife who's only mildly attracted to him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If more people had your insight and integrity, Omego, there'd be many more good relationships.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Omego said:


> Sometimes they do. Sometimes women just get it wrong the first time. I know people who have gotten married for the wrong reasons, myself included the first time around. How many times have I heard: "He's really smart, funny and nice and we get along well." That's just not enough. Sometimes we're insecure when young and think we need to get married in order to have some stability, because it's the right thing to do, etc.. The reasons are endless....
> 
> I ended my first marriage even though we had several children. I wasn't LD but H did reveal after the fact that he felt that he was alone in the relationship and that it wasn't satisfying to him. We get along well now. He's better off with his current partner instead of being with a wife who's only mildly attracted to him.


So you made a mistake. Not in the sense that your children or the time you spent together were a mistake, but he wasn't right for you and you married on the basis of consensus of opinion but pretty much suspected from the start you would be unfulfilled. This seems to happen. I don't get it. How can you get married on the basis of yeah everyone else thinks it's a good idea?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> DRAMATIZATION:
> 
> As Phil was driving Martha home from their first date together, he was interested in a second date, but before he could go any further he needed to make sure the relationship would not be a sexual mismatch. So Phil proceeded to ask Martha when she was a child if she grew up with positive and healthy views about her sexuality, but before she could answer Phil proceeded to tell stories about how he joyfully masturbated growing up and that his mom never taught him sexual disgust and shame when he would be going at it on the living room couch and watching an R-rated movie. His mom would simply tell him to get ready to go out for dinner and give Phil his privacy....
> 
> Six hours later Phil awoke in the emergency room handcuffed to the bed. Martha had tasered him and called the police and gave them an account about how he started talking and asking her about early childhood sexual development.


Yaaa....Like that...questions!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> 
> Do you think about sex every day?
> 
> ...


*I have a very healthy sex drive. My husband is one of the reasons for that. I love having sex with him. He is very good at what he does. I'm one of those girls that the more sex I get, the more I want*


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Spitfire said:


> I think most LD women don't have a low desire for sex but have a low desire for their spouse.


I can't speak for women...But I think that anyone with even a moderate sex drive can have quite satisfactory sex with anyone they are cordial with, if they don't find the other person totally repellent.......

In simple terms, even if the sight of him doesn't leave your bosom heaving with lust, sex with him should be preferable to a vibrator....If you have any sex drive at all...

Look at FWB relationships....Two people are obviously not interested in a relationship, still have mutually pleasurable sex...

I think low desire for the spouse is actually CREATED by pent up resentments....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Ya know, sometimes these forums make me very nervous about attempting a relationship again because of the sex question. Because honestly I don't know if I'm LD, HD or in the middle. I had sex before marriage but I was living with my parents and then a girls only dorm (no men allowed) and finally a roommate which hampered activity. So usually only on weekends and not always/every weekend depending on my relationship status. And then I was married.
> 
> He would want sex every day several times if I was up for it. And at first every day was fine. But his constant criticism of sex (I wasn't adventurous enough - really, we've only been together a few months - how many tricks am I supposed to have at 20? Isn't sex about growing with each other?) or my body, or everything, really. The longer we were together the more he criticized, yelled and eventually hit. THAT is a mood killer. Finally I got to where I'd have sex 3x a week to shut him up. I never initiated and he complained about that. I told him I never got a chance to WANT to initiate because he always beat me to it. Definitely more responsive desire and he certainly shut down my responsiveness.
> 
> So since as a single mother with only having every other weekend to date, I have NO IDEA how I would be in a relationship anymore. I don't want to mislead anyone. But it's hugely dependent on the relationship and feeling loved, valued and SAFE.


I am touched to the point of tears by your post. At the same time I am enraged at the person who betrayed your trust.

An experienced sex partner is great, but a less experienced one is such a joy to teach and help grow.....

A loving partner giving herself to you is a touching gift. 

To be critical of that gift is the signature of a truly small insecure troll of a man.......I am so sorry you had to meet such a poor representative of the male gender....


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think it's funny that it's mostly men posting on this thread.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> I am very HD but would not touch many of the guys discussed on TAM by fed up wives, with a barge pole. That would not make me LD, it would make me low tolerance to di.ckheads.


It's so simple, but it is spot on. People need to be aroused to want sex. A partner who is clingy, arrogant, sappy, douchy, victim-y, or any other unappealing quality more often than not, will have a hard time getting some. 

The other part of it too, is that some women (and men), just will not open up emotionally or sexually no matter the attractiveness or emotional intelligence of the other partner. That's a story that gets retold on this forum, too, often because of previous emotional pains or traumas that permeate the current relationship.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I think it's funny that it's mostly men posting on this thread.


Sorry, ladies. I was just passing by...:grin2:


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

karole said:


> *I have a very healthy sex drive. My husband is one of the reasons for that. I love having sex with him. He is very good at what he does. I'm one of those girls that the more sex I get, the more I want*


I think that is right. Being a guy, I don't have those hang ups and have had easy sex with women I don't even like very much. Men and women are different on this. My wife blows hot and cold depending on whether she feels her "needs are being met." As a man it is pretty simple. This is my one and singular need from a spouse.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

karole said:


> *I have a very healthy sex drive. My husband is one of the reasons for that. I love having sex with him. He is very good at what he does. I'm one of those girls that the more sex I get, the more I want*



@Woodchuck

Pay attention to the above that this woman attributes her husband as one of the reasons she has a positive view about their sex life. While reading this I can't help but to remember an odd story from college...

There was this couple madly in love and they were always seen together. He was ready to marry her and wanted to take their relationship further, but she simply was not sexual with him. He thought perhaps she was waiting for marriage, but he urged her as much as he could for them to have premarital sex. It became well known that this guy simply was not getting any, BUT yet he was still in love with her and wanted to marry her. 

THEN they broke up and the girl goes on to find another boyfriend. Anyway, the story eventually gets out that she is now an insatiable nympomaniac with her new boyfriend, and it was not a rumor because she is actually still known to be that way with her husband to this day. 

So imagine this guy wanting to marry a girl that would NEVER have sex with him and broke up with him to have to hear repeated news about her latest and greatest insatiable sexual feats with her new boyfriend. It got to the point where the WHOLE campus felt sorry for this guy, and he seemed perfectly normal. 

So what is the moral of my story... I don't know but perhaps it is just because a woman seems LD or HD to one man, she very well could be the exact opposite in the arms of another.

Badsanta


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Woodchuck
> 
> Pay attention to the above that this woman attributes her husband as one of the reasons she has a positive view about their sex life. While reading this I can't help but to remember an odd story from college...
> 
> ...


I think much of this is exercise in apology. My wife runs hot and cold. That's her, not me. I had never had anything other than primarily sexual relationships before and she started out that way as well. Laying this off on male insensitivity is new agey bs. Someone wrote something earlier in the thread about women discovering that sex could be a form of currency as opposed to intimacy. That was spot on.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Woodchuck
> 
> Pay attention to the above that this woman attributes her husband as one of the reasons she has a positive view about their sex life. While reading this I can't help but to remember an odd story from college...
> 
> ...


But what if she was initially at least an adequate sex partner, and then shut down?....I can understand "No I won't fu-ck you ever"....that is any woman's / persons right...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> But what if she was initially at least an adequate sex partner, and then shut down?


There is an account of a wife going from three times a day during the first year of marriage to three times a year during the 7th year of marriage. Then something changes in the 20th year and she wants it three times a day again BUT now it is her husband is no longer interested. 

Stop for a moment and think....

Odds are you can easily explain why he would no longer want it later in life as being a result of having to go so many years of being rejected, but will lack the same empathy as to why she somehow lost interest after 7 years. 

Then you will stop and perhaps realize, well I wonder what happened that made her have a very high level of desire again after 20 years. 

Women on the other hand will read this and likely empathize right away with the stress it takes to raise kids and eventually have them become self sufficient. But most men will be oblivious and cry foul as if they are another child needing attention. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> I think alot of idea that some women are more sexual than others is due to some women wanting to use sex to gain control of the relationship. If you give your H/partner sex whenever he wants, you lose a means of controlling him.


Or perhaps the HD partner is such a PITA that his wife loses her attraction for him and her drive.

If you want to always blame the woman then that may be a clue as to why you ain't getting what you want.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> I think that is right. Being a guy, I don't have those hang ups and have had easy sex with women I don't even like very much. Men and women are different on this. My wife blows hot and cold depending on whether she feels her "needs are being met." As a man it is pretty simple. This is my one and singular need from a spouse.


I can get behind the "hot and cold/needs met" scenario....

I am almost 70, cannot stand for any length of time without my cane, but her needs involve pick and shovel chores....Laying tile, 
digging out stumps....


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> digging out stumps....



OK I'VE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM @Woodchuck !!!!

You just need to get a permit to use some










and you will be happy making her happy!

Badsanta


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

badsanta said:


> OK I'VE SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM @Woodchuck !!!!
> 
> You just need to get a permit to use some
> 
> ...


But where should I shove it?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I am touched to the point of tears by your post. At the same time I am enraged at the person who betrayed your trust.
> 
> An experienced sex partner is great, but a less experienced one is such a joy to teach and help grow.....
> 
> ...


Just to clarify, although he would criticize the fact I wasn't spontaneous or didn't suggest positions or initiate were really the the only sexual criticisms. Later it became my body, my attention to detail, my intellect or taste - nearly anything else. But he's the one with a personality disorder, not me.

My point is really that I know how important sex is to a relationship but it's a bit unnerving not knowing how my sex drives stacks up. I've never been in a safe, loving relationship where I was living with someone or seeing them often enough to know.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> *I can't speak for women*...But I think that anyone with even a moderate sex drive can have quite satisfactory sex with anyone they are cordial with, if they don't find the other person totally repellent.......
> 
> In simple terms, even if the sight of him doesn't leave your bosom heaving with lust, sex with him should be preferable to a vibrator....If you have any sex drive at all...
> 
> ...


You can't speak for women but you are going to anyway, yep another clue as to why you are not getting what you want. 

You will learn more by actually listening instead of telling us how we are.

I have had a FWB, ONS etc and there is a world of difference between those situations and a long term marriage that is full of resentment because a partner refuses to listen, hear and acknowledge that perhaps *they *are part of the problem.

Generally men can have sex with their partner regardless of what else is going on in the relationship.

Generally women that are turned of their partner because of poor treatment, belittling, his bad habits or whatever it is, do not want to have sex with HIM. They still like sex but there is a tipping point where self respect is more important than sex.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

karole said:


> *I have a very healthy sex drive. My husband is one of the reasons for that. I love having sex with him. He is very good at what he does. I'm one of those girls that the more sex I get, the more I want*


Fantastic answer.....It also points out an inherent failure in the sexual dynamic.....

The male has to have an attitude of giving pleasure to get pleasure, or better yet, getting pleasure from giving pleasure....

Without this dynamic, the woman's satisfaction is totally hit or miss....He lasts that critical minute longer because he had one extra beer...Not because she needed that extra minute to orgasm....

Could a potentially HD woman become LD out of repeated experiences where he left her hanging?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> You can't speak for women but you are going to anyway, yep another clue as to why you are not getting what you want.
> 
> You will learn more by actually listening instead of telling us how we are.
> 
> ...


the first line of my post was...

But I think that anyone with even a moderate sex drive can have quite satisfactory sex with anyone they are* cordial *with, if they don't find the other person totally repellent.......

The key word being cordial......

No relationship can be sexual when riddled with resentment....

And I have to say at this point, women seem to be extremely adept at collecting a portfolio of resentments, real or imagined...With a corresponding degradation of the relationship...


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> So you made a mistake. Not in the sense that your children or the time you spent together were a mistake, but he wasn't right for you and you married on the basis of consensus of opinion but pretty much suspected from the start you would be unfulfilled. This seems to happen. I don't get it. How can you get married on the basis of yeah everyone else thinks it's a good idea?


Yep that's about right. At the time I was so glad to have someone who was head over heels about me and with whom I felt compatible. But yes, I did make a mistake. However I don't regret anything. So maybe it wasn't really a mistake after all, depending on how you look at it. In my family divorce is highly stigmatized. I actually wanted to break off the marriage after the 1st year but then work and children became the main focus of our lives came along and that discussion was taken off the table....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Just to clarify, although he would criticize the fact I wasn't spontaneous or didn't suggest positions or initiate were really the the only sexual criticisms. Later it became my body, my attention to detail, my intellect or taste - nearly anything else. But he's the one with a personality disorder, not me.
> 
> My point is really that I know how important sex is to a relationship but it's a bit unnerving not knowing how my sex drives stacks up. I've never been in a safe, loving relationship where I was living with someone or seeing them often enough to know.


The relationship my wife and I have has been a real eye opener for her. Over the course of 25 years, and a number of partners, she thought she had a good grasp on her sexuality, her drive, wants, desires, what worked, what didn't. It's all been completely turned on end for her since we've been together, and an awful lot of what she thought she knew no longer applies.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> The relationship my wife and I have has been a real eye opener for her. Over the course of 25 years, and a number of partners, she thought she had a good grasp on her sexuality, her drive, wants, desires, what worked, what didn't. It's all been completely turned on end for her since we've been together, and an awful lot of what she thought she knew no longer applies.


Any one can bow the strings, but only a musician can make music.......


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> the first line of my post was...
> 
> But I think that anyone with even a moderate sex drive can have quite satisfactory sex with anyone they are* cordial *with, if they don't find the other person totally repellent.......
> 
> ...


Would you consider that you could be wrong? I have a very HD but if I was in a relationship with a man that was merely cordial then that would impact my drive. 

Generally women want to be more than cordial with their partner and if that is all there is then my guess is that there are deep underlying resentments and yes that can turn even the HD woman off.

Your last paragraph is again an insight into why your sex life has turned out the way it has. Instead of taking ownership you then belittle women and say that the resentments are imagined. Good luck with that.

Here is a tip that may help other men that really do want to have a healthy long term sex life with their partner... take her seriously, don't make the mistake of thinking she is just like a man. Read about EQ and if possible learn how to increase your EQ.

Have said it many times here but it gets ignored, men with higher EQ's are IME far more likely to have better relationships in general and therefore better sex lives. Again I will point to the men of TAM that do display a high EQ, Personal, MR, CH, MEM etc. These men can teach other men an awful lot. Also listen to women, what we are telling you and take it on board instead of saying we are wrong about ourselves. (As always this is generalised).


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> 
> Do you think about sex every day?
> Oh, yes. Multiple times a day.
> ...


:smile2:


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Would you consider that you could be wrong? I have a very HD but if I was in a relationship with a man that was merely cordial then that would impact my drive.
> 
> Generally women want to be more than cordial with their partner and if that is all there is then my guess is that there are deep underlying resentments and yes that can turn even the HD woman off.
> 
> ...


Sort of like this?

Today is my wife's last day on her job, and is starting a new one on Monday. It's been pretty stressful for her and she sent me a text this afternoon, and my reply was:

I'm glad that your last few hours haven't been crappy. It's nice that she's happy for you. I think that shows just how good that part of your work has been, how good you really are at it to have such a positive impact on your patients, and how good of a person you are, which is one of a plethora of reasons I was not about to ever let you go once I got you.

Yeah, long text, but it got the message across, and she knows I meant every word of it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> Fantastic answer.....It also points out an inherent failure in the sexual dynamic.....
> 
> The male has to have an attitude of giving pleasure to get pleasure, or better yet, getting pleasure from giving pleasure....
> 
> ...


Why would a man "repeatedly leave a woman hanging?" My husband says that a lot of his sexual enjoyment comes from my excitement and getting me off. He's said numerous times that he'd rather get me off than get off himself. Of course, I want him to get off and will do anything within my power to make sure that happens, but sometimes the body just doesn't cooperate due to various reasons. I think genuinely loving someone and enjoying being with that person makes all the difference. For whatever reasons, we've just always (30 years) been very compatible in the sex department. I was very attracted to him the first time we met and I'm very attracted to him now.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

karole said:


> *Why would a man "repeatedly leave a woman hanging?" *My husband says that a lot of his sexual enjoyment comes from my excitement and getting me off. He's said numerous times that he'd rather get me off than get off himself. Of course, I want him to get off and will do anything within my power to make sure that happens, but sometimes the body just doesn't cooperate due to various reasons. I think genuinely loving someone and enjoying being with that person makes all the difference. For whatever reasons, we've just always (30 years) been very compatible in the sex department. I was very attracted to him the first time we met and I'm very attracted to him now.


Because he is only interested in his own pleasure.....I am happy that you and your husband are one of those rare compatible couples....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> Fantastic answer.....It also points out an inherent failure in the sexual dynamic.....


IT’s a no-brainer. The more good sex a person has, the more they want of that good sex. 
However, just because a person no longer wants sex with their spouse, it does not mean that they are low drive. It simply means that they no longer want sex with their spouse because the relationship stinks.



Woodchuck said:


> The male has to have an attitude of giving pleasure to get pleasure, or better yet, getting pleasure from giving pleasure....


I think that in a good relationship, both partners need to have this attitude. If they do not, then the sex will become pretty bad for the other person.


Woodchuck said:


> Without this dynamic, the woman's satisfaction is totally hit or miss....He lasts that critical minute longer because he had one extra beer...Not because she needed that extra minute to orgasm....
> 
> Could a potentially HD woman become LD out of repeated experiences where he left her hanging?


No, she does not become low drive. She will most likely come to greatly dislike sex WITH HIM and even refuse to have sex, or seldom have sex. She’s not low drive. She finds him not attractive as a sex partner.

From experience, she still has a HD. I’d rather have a FWB and/or one night stands than sex with supposedly committed partner who did not care if I enjoy sex. And the same goes if the relationship is bad for the most part.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

karole said:


> *Why would a man "repeatedly leave a woman hanging?" *My husband says that a lot of his sexual enjoyment comes from my excitement and getting me off. He's said numerous times that he'd rather get me off than get off himself. Of course, I want him to get off and will do anything within my power to make sure that happens, but sometimes the body just doesn't cooperate due to various reasons. I think genuinely loving someone and enjoying being with that person makes all the difference. For whatever reasons, we've just always (30 years) been very compatible in the sex department. I was very attracted to him the first time we met and I'm very attracted to him now.


Sadly there are a good number of men who are like this. They do not care if the woman enjoys sex.

In the past men were taught that women do not have the capacity to enjoy sex (orgasm, etc), that women only do it for their man. It was believed for a long time that women did not orgasm. (yes its' written in old medical books and they had a mental illness for women who did orgasm)

Ever hear the term "wham, bam, thank you ma'm" That's referring to him getting on her, taking 1-2 minutes. He's done, rolls over and that's the end of sex. A blow up doll would have served the same purpose.

And now, with porn, a lot of young men are now learning that what they see in porn is what sex is all about... them, and not the woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> Would you consider that you could be wrong? *I have a very HD but if I was in a relationship with a man that was merely cordial then that would impact my drive.*
> 
> Generally women want to be more than cordial with their partner and if that is all there is then my guess is that there are deep underlying resentments and yes that can turn even the HD woman off.


I agree with the overall message of your post, but I want to nick pick a bit.

I think that a merely cordial relationship would impact your desire to have sex with your husband/partner. I don't think it would affect your actual drive. I do think that these are different and the difference is important.

Why is it important? Because way too many men seem to think that when a woman does not want sex with their partner, it's because she's defective (LD). So they can blame her defect and not have to look at their contribution to the problems in the relationship.

Most likely the wife still has the same sex drive she has always had. But the relationship has come to a point where she does not want sex with her husband/partner.

I've been in this situation. In both of may marriages, my sex drive did not change. But it got to a point where they were in the list of the last men on earth that I would consider having sex with. 

Studies done on why a person withdraws sexually in a relationship have found that in vast majority of sexless and/or low sex relationships, the cause is not LD. The cause is anger and resentment about serious problems in the marriage. .. this is for both men and women. That's important too since studies show that men are as likely to make their marriage sexless, or near sexless, as a woman is.
.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> IT’s a no-brainer. The more good sex a person has, the more they want of that good sex.
> However, just because a person no longer wants sex with their spouse, it does not mean that they are low drive. It simply means that they no longer want sex with their spouse because the relationship stinks.
> 
> 
> ...


*IT’s a no-brainer. The more good sex a person has, the more they want of that good sex. 
*

Absolutely not....There is a huge thread on this board about LD women who enjoy sex tremendously, but never want it.....

In my experience, women rarely lack these qualities, while a much too high number of males do....

I defy you to distinguish an HD woman who will not have sex with her SO, and an LD woman....I am certain her SO cannot...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EG it should have read "my drive would decrease for sex with HIM".

Cheers


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> With so many women having HD in this forum, what advice can you give to women who are not.....
> 
> Do you think about sex every day?
> 
> ...


BTW - I do not really think I am "hyper" sexual. I just have a healthy sex drive. Do you call men with healthy sex drive "hyper sexual"?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> *IT’s a no-brainer. The more good sex a person has, the more they want of that good sex.
> *
> 
> Absolutely not....There is a huge thread on this board about LD women who enjoy sex tremendously, but never want it.....


A thread on TAM is antidotal. It proves little to nothing about all women, or about all women who are truly LD. It only proves that women who say that they enjoy sex but do not want it .. well they enjoy sex but do not want it... those women.. not all women, not most women.. just those women



Woodchuck said:


> [In my experience, women rarely lack these qualities, while a much too high number of males do....


In your experience? You mean with the hundreds, perhaps thousands of women who you have had sex with?



Woodchuck said:


> [I defy you to distinguish an HD woman who will not have sex with her SO, and an LD woman....I am certain her SO cannot...


Studies have found that the vast majority of women who do not want sex with their husbands do not want it because of anger and resentment about their relationship (hence also their husband). So it seems that it's safe to say that in most cases the woman are not LD, they are turned off in the relationship.

And by the way, the same goes for men who do not want sex with their wife.. they report that their sex drive has not changed. They just cannot stand sex with her due to anger and resentment.

I have no doubt that if I were to have a conversation with a woman who opened up to me, I could figure out if she was actually LD or just not interested in her husband. 

Anyone, male or female, whose spouse does not want sex with them at all, or not often, needs to first look at the relationship and figure out what needs to be fixed.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> A thread on TAM is antidotal. It proves little to nothing about all women, or about all women who are truly LD. It only proves that women who say that they enjoy sex but do not want it .. well they enjoy sex but do not want it... those women.. not all women, not most women.. just those women
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't know if it's all that easy. So, in the only sexually dysfunctional relationship I have experienced, that being my marriage, resentment and anger are major factors. I should also mention the affair, which was totally f*cked up. But I'm just a guy so I get confused and then she gets angry at me that in the face of constant hostility and rejection I am not all snuggly. It's cause I'm hunkered down in another place that is less dangerous and less cold.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> I don't know if it's all that easy. So, in the only sexually dysfunctional relationship I have experienced, that being my marriage, resentment and anger are major factors. I should also mention the affair, which was totally f*cked up. But I'm just a guy so I get confused and then she gets angry at me that in the face of constant hostility and rejection I am not all snuggly. It's cause I'm hunkered down in another place that is less dangerous and less cold.


When a person does not want sex because they harbor anger and resentment, it's not always the other person who is at fault.

More often than not, both parties play an equal, but different, role in what created the problems. 

And sometimes, it's just that one person is just an angry person who cannot resolve their own anger/resentment and take it out on the other person.

There is an old book "The Games People Play" written in 1962. He uses transactional analysis in the book. It's interesting because it shows how a lot of relationships get into these cycles (games as he calls them) and cannot break out.

Just looking at my marriage to my son's father. He chose to turn our marriage sexless. I know that it's not because he was/is LD. It's because he harbored so much anger and resentment. He could not let them go. He could not work on the relationship. I guess I was sort of in the position you are in. Eventually I just left. Life is too short to be tied to an angry person and/or a person who withhold all affection and intimacy. I'd rather be alone that that.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> I think it's funny that it's mostly men posting on this thread.


:grin2:
As a man, I have probably slept with more women that you have. I cannot claim much insight into men's sexuality.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> :grin2:
> As a man, I have probably slept with more women that you have. I cannot claim much insight into men's sexuality.


 I have most likely slept with more men than you have. Does that mean that I know more about men's sexuality than men do? I guess so.

Sometimes, or maybe very often, what we think we observe is not what is really going on in the head of the person we are observing.

My understanding is that this thread is asking women what is going on in our heads. >


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I have most likely slept with more men than you have. *Does that mean that I know more about men's sexuality than men do? *I guess so.
> 
> Sometimes, or maybe very often, what we think we observe is not what is really going on in the head of the person we are observing.
> 
> My understanding is that this thread is asking women what is going on in our heads. >


Absolutely! I have very little personal insight into relationships with men - which is why if I advise a woman on a relationship with a man it si often full of caveats. Indeed, all the women I have slept with have been sleeping with me and are also a rather limited sub-set.

It was meant to be a light hearted comment, I actually was also amused by the comment I was replying to, hence the :grin2:


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Absolutely! I have very little personal insight into relationships with men - which is why if I advise a woman on a relationship with a man it si often full of caveats. Indeed, all the women I have slept with have been sleeping with me and are also a rather limited sub-set.
> 
> It was meant to be a light hearted comment, I actually was also amused by the comment I was replying to, hence the :grin2:


This has slipped into a lighthearted free zone...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> :grin2:
> As a man, I have probably slept with more women that you have. I cannot claim much insight into men's sexuality.


The OP is asking questions that he wants women to answer but we have men answering them instead, I find that funny.

Men complain that women expect them to be mind readers. Ya'll are doing it on your own here.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> I can get behind the "hot and cold/needs met" scenario....
> 
> I am almost 70, cannot stand for any length of time without my cane, but her needs involve pick and shovel chores....Laying tile,
> digging out stumps....


If your online presentation is any guide I would bet you're wicked with that cane.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

larry.gray said:


> My wife was raised in a sexually repressed house. I think it definitely made her responsive in desire. She doesn't initiate, but then is unhappy if I do not. I don't get turned down, and she's not selfish once it starts. As for a match to a very HD dude, she certainly makes me happy.
> 
> I do wonder a bit about where the repression did come from. MIL is uptight, no doubt. She has two brothers who are total horndogs OTOH. Nothing over the line, but over the years I've gotten the hints that they and their wives continue to be very active. Ditto for the cousins from both of my wife's uncles.


Your wife sounds like me. I learned from reading posts on TAM that initiating is really important to men. I did not know that before. I was taught that girls who wanted to have sex were impure and would go to hell to cavort with the dark one for an eternity. I don't believe that now but the feeling of badness has not left me and I can't do it. 

I love orgasms, affection and my husband, not in that order. So what is the problem? (I ask myself )


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> Absolutely! I have very little personal insight into relationships with men - which is why if I advise a woman on a relationship with a man it si often full of caveats. Indeed, all the women I have slept with have been sleeping with me and are also a rather limited sub-set.
> 
> It was meant to be a light hearted comment, I actually was also amused by the comment I was replying to, hence the :grin2:


Did you notice the devilish grin in my reply to you? >

My reply was also made with a does of humor.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> I am so glad you feel you gained some insight from this thread, Your post has some excellent points....How can a woman have confidence If she has had one or more experiences with an uncaring or unskilled partner....I can tell you are an intelligent person, and am willing to bet you can address any issues you have...


Wood it's not just bad experiences with an unskilled partner, it's often religious training. If a girl starts her sexual development under the influence of negativity, she may not be confident enough to explore her body or to tell her partner what she needs. An unskilled partner may be one who wants her to feel pleasure but can't blindly find the right combination. 

I have nothing against religion and spirituality. I just wish the message was more informed and positive about human sexuality.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Wood it's not just bad experiences with an unskilled partner, it's often religious training. If a girl starts her sexual development under the influence of negativity, she may not be confident enough to explore her body or to tell her partner what she needs. An unskilled partner may be one who wants her to feel pleasure but can't blindly find the right combination.
> 
> I have nothing against religion and spirituality. I just wish the message was more informed and positive about human sexuality.


I was raised in a repressive religious background...Luckily long before I started dating, I saw what people said vs how they acted, and decided my morality and behavior was my business....

The woman I married had no idea what she needed...To a lover truly wishing to give her pleasure it can be worked out rather quickly....In her case, it took about 5 minutes for her to realize she could orgasm with a partner.....

Confidence comes quickly with a partner you can trust unconditionally....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> If your online presentation is any guide I would bet you're wicked with that cane.


Better with my .44


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Better with my .44


Sure as hell would not cross you.


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