# sad, lost, and seemingly inconsolable



## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

ok backstory...
My wife and I have been seperated a little more than a year, we lost our home because she got laid off and i couldnt pay the whole mortgage on my own. her parents helped us buy another home since real estate prices had completely bottomed out with money that she had leftover from the sale of a previous home that she owned before our marriage. i went to work for the summer about 1400 miles away from the town/city that we lived so we could maybe get ahead. i came home and it was going to be a fresh start for us. because of financial issues and stress we fought alot when i got home. we spent the next year remodeling the new home as it was a definite fixer upper. once the busy season came around i was unable to find work which only made things worse for everyone. pretty much the entire time since i went away for work until i left i was under constant attack verbally and emotionally. for over a year she kept telling me how much she hated me and how she regretted marrying me and wished she never met me and all kinds of things that just stung especially when we were both facing hard times. for my part i did give up and stopped talking to her about things and just kind of lived together feeling trapped both of us hating each other. finally i couldnt take it anymore and decided finally to take her advice and move out. i moved back in with my parents at the age of 30 and spent the next few months literally staring at the walls. backtracking a tad as soon as i packed up a truck and moved away she started saying how she wished i didnt leave and that she wanted me back and how she didnt mean the things she had said but i turned myself off way before i left to try and mute the pain so i was unresponsive to her. we had filed for bankruptcy because they sold the home we had bought together for about25% of what we paid and we didnt want to get stuck with the leftovers. the bankruptcy two years later still hasnt gone through but thats another issue. back now to 30 and living with my parents staring at the walls for months. facing hopelessness i decided to create myself again and re-realize who i wanted to be before my marriage. i experienced an almost constant daily euphoria feeling as though i had created a wonderful life without her. we would talk here and there but nothing fulltime. i created a plan that would allow me to realize a lost dream of living in the mountains on a farm and started working feverishly. i was able to get ahold of two fulltime jobs and a part time one and threw myself into work. i averaged about 100 hours a week working from 8 am to sometimes 4 am. in the space of a few months i was able to save enough to move out of my parents and take on a new life in a new city(one i was familiar with and had vacationed in frequently over the years). so i packed my bags and made my move hoping it was the first step to realizing my dream which would require lots of money and lots of time to accomplish.

A MISERABLE FAILURE followed. i was unable to find work in the new place and had to break a lease and move back to my parents after only a few months because i simply ran out of money. that in itself not so bad, a setback for sure but something i could come back from. The unmentioned city i moved to happened to be the place where we had honeymooned as newlyweds and spent most of the vacations we took as a married couple. when it dawned on me that things were not going to work out there i suddenly became acutely aware of the feelings of loss of my marriage and the relationship with my wife. driving the same roads we had once shared with each other now seemed to only evoke tears and feelings of overwhelming sadness. in short all the things i had bottled up came rushing out and i have not been able to stop the hemmoraghing of emotions since. 

where as before i had filled my days and nights with work and hanging out with various friends i returned to my parents house broke and now more in debt because of breaking the lease. somehow in a worse position than i had been in a year ago when i moved out of my wifes home(when they bought it they of course left me completely off the title...possibly a llittle preemption on their part but who could really blame them) 

TO the present.. i went back to an old job today which is a mixed bag really because its decent pay but requires me to start a business in order to get paid which is basically impossible due ot lack of money. since i have been back(since last week of july) i have been a complete wreck. i miss my wife and our dog which she kept. all the happy memories haunt me and make me so sad all i want to do is cry. i tried to tell my wife/ex wife how ive been feeling and she seems like she doesnt want to hear anything about it. all she says is that she wants to finish the bankruptcy and get the divorce. i pour my heart out to her and i get ice in response(again i dont blame her because it has been a year and im sure she doesnt want to relive something she sees as a mistake). before leaving the house i rented we had started to talk and had somewhat agreed to start seeing each other when we could and maybe give our marriage a chance for reconciliation. once i returned all of that seemed to vanish and now she never has time or wants to talk to me. she ignores and i get mad. she say shes not ignoring which maks me even madder and more and more hurt. i tell her how much i still love her and how much i miss her and i get no response. did u ever have a conversation where the other person answers only the questions they want to and ignores the others? well those are the only conversations we have now. ill say a million things and shell talk about the weather or how tired she is. shelll say how she wants to be here for me and be my friend and then ignores me when im at my lowest and most miserable. finally she said she cant be my friend because i am too depressed. 

i love cooking and over the years had ammased a very respectable kitchen( appliances, all sorts of pots pans casseroles, oodles of utelsils and cooking gadgets. almost enough to open a small restaurant. being in the state of mind i was in and wanting her to be happy i gave her everything, all of my favorite things in the world. logically i did so because she has a home and a kitchen and i dont and i realistically couldnt use any of my things and they were in boxes and piles and it was thouroughly depressing to look at all these things that reminded me of a dead dream, a dead life. i also gave her the last of my money. around 500 bucks because our dog(who i never get to see) needed to go to the vet and her car needed some work and i just wanted desperatly to mean something to her again. EEEEHHHHHHH nope it almost had the opposite effect that i wanted. she tooked the things and the money, thanked me and grew even colder, pushed me away even more than she had during our marriage. 

Everything reminds me of her, of our life that we shared together for almost 6 years. ive been able to choke the tears back since last week when she told me not to talk to her for a while because she needed a break from talking to me until writing this ridiculous scattered nonsensical smattering of my past. i look at my life and all i see is pain. i know she is simply done with me but i cant stop being sad. all day at work today i had to stop myself from thinking about her. im haunted by my our past and it doesnt get better. there just seems to be a hole in me now and i cant help the sadness. i dont want to live this way and i have a whole host of other problems i need to deal with. i dont want ot give up on her again like i did when we were married and whenever i tell her that her actions dont seem to match her words and maybe i should just leave her alone all she says is "do what u have to do" i e i dont give a f**k. still my heart just wants to be back next to hers and as much as i want to hate or resent her i just cant let go. i feel hopeless most of the time, ive lost about 20 pounds after losing 50 from a diet that i went on over the last year. im about 150. i had gone from 230 to 165 170. im 5'11''. i eat the minimum because everything tastes like sawdust. i used to love to cook even without all the gadgets and now whenever i try to cook something it comes out bad. i dont want to do anything or se anyone i just keep going to sleep hoping to wake up somebody else but im not, im me, and im just sinking now. i have responsibilities that need to be met. starting back to work is a first step i suppose. i owe a lot and i owe my parents who dont have any money but helped me when i needed it. i cant live for myself right now so im trying to live for them and help them get on their feet. once money start coming in from working my plan is to give it to them so maybe they can retire one day and not bee neck high in debt.

i just dont know and really dont want to move on i mean i created false hope for myself this past year and it all came crashing down ontop of me. i wont do that again. i love my wife but she doesnt love me anymore and my heart wont survive this.

im so sorry for this gargantuan and completely disorganized post. it says what i want but doesnt at the same time. in the end im just sad, lost, and seemingly inconsolable.


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

After reading your post I too am feeling sad, lost, and seemingly inconsolable..............


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## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

about urself?? or did my post make u feel worse.. i hope not


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## lost and depressed (Aug 30, 2011)

heard a great quote in a movie i was just watching its about women of course... "women are smarter than we think they are, but not as smart as they think they are".


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