# What exactly is considered a good sex life?



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I know the answer varies from couple to couple..

But I would like to hear what different people think a good sex life is in a marriage..

I'm in my mid twenties, been married for over five years and always feel ripped off after sex..thinking, is this it? 

We've done pretty much every sexual act at one point or another, but other than straight missionary or basic bjs my wife isn't interested..and she doesn't care to initiate even the most basic ones..if sex happens it happens, and she likes it..but if I don't initiate nothing ever happens..
So if we do something a little out of the ordinary it's only because I suggested it..and asked for it..or I begged for it..

Is this considered a decent sex life in a marriage with no kids?

What do you consider normal? Like what positions, how often..and do both need to initiate?

I'm at a point where I'm bored by any sex in our marriage..and I think it's because of the lack of motivation from my wife...but maybe that's just how it is for most couples?
Especially after five years..

Yes..my wife knows exactly how I feel..but she seems to be in complete denial..and that being sweet and nice is the answer to any marriage problems..


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Don't beg it's unattractive. 

Sex for me would be every day or almost every day. 

However I only want to have sex with a man who flirts with me. Is a good man who listens to me, wants to spend time with me, spends plenty of time on completely non sexual touch, makes me his first priority, but is no pushover. A man who doesn't yell or be mean and name call, who is in control and is fair and reasonable. A man who doesn't need to be cared for like a child, but who does what needs to be done and will not let me get away with not doing what needs to be done too. And did I mention, engages with and flirts with me? Yes. Also important a man who expects me to listen when he's talking and who in turn respectfully listens to me. A man who doesn't make me worry about him because he keeps his word all ways. And expects me to keep mine. He also makes me feel very sexy, and notices what I'm wearing- my hair etc.

He cannot be a doormat but he also cannot be an a hole. 

I know that's a big list but it really works.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

For me I think a good sex life is when both spouses are getting their needs met. We have a couple of go to positions, but try to switch it up for the most part. 

I think what is considered normal is based on each individual couple.

Do you mind sharing her response when you've told her your not happy with your sex life?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

It doesn't matter much what is "normal" or "average".

What matters is how you feel about it.

So if you don't think it's a good sex life. It isn't.

We have been together for 8 and married for 1.

There have been a lot of times when I felt like we just had the best sex ever. 

My goal is for the best time ever to always be a recent memory.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Don't beg it's unattractive.
> 
> Sex for me would be every day or almost every day.
> 
> ...


Are you talking about a human being or a unicorn? Just wondering.


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## larcenciel (Nov 28, 2012)

I'm with the general consensus. A great sex life is when both spouses are happy.

Some people are perfectly happy with once a month. I'm not one of those people, but as long as the needs are matched and satisfied on both ends, it's a win-win.

When it's lopsided, as in your case, no amount of statistics from other people is going to convince you that you're happy with the sex life you have because it's "normal."


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi,

Open up to her on an emotionally level. Even though you said that your wife knows how you feel, tell her again. Tell your wife that it's important to you to connect sexually in the bedroom speaking about certain things that you want and ask her what her desire are? Perhaps, something happened in your wife’s past that now it's challenging for her to make sex more enjoyable for you both.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

soniaBliss said:


> Hi,
> 
> Open up to her on an emotionally level. Even though you said that your wife knows how you feel, tell her again. Tell your wife that it's important to you to connect sexually in the bedroom speaking about certain things that you want and ask her what her desire are? Perhaps, something happened in your wife’s past that now it's challenging for her to make sex more enjoyable for you both.


nope..shes never been abused...yes I have opened up emotionally..since the second day of our honeymoon
Ive been wanting more...Its a long story but it all comes down to her not feeling comfortable
with herself..and just not having much of a sex drive to begin with..her whole family seems the same
way..

I was just wondering if I really am missing out or if all my fantasies about a amazing sex are really
unreachable...

Like for example..do any couples sometimes just spend hours making love..to each others bodies..takin
turns with foreplay and not leaving any body part untouched unkissed? 

I may be in the minority but I really need a woman that desires to do the same..no favors, but is Hungry 
to lust and be lusted with lol
Not every night needs to be that passionate...but theres gotta be a few of those per month..

All sex ever is in our bedroom is one activity, sometimes two...then 20 minutes later done..wife falls asleep
and I lay there wondering “is this all there is?“
Being able to have up to seven orgasms in a row can sometimes work against me I guess..
freakin love it though..just need to be able to share that with my wife..

Am I too hard to please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I follow the Dan Savage definition: GGG.

Good at what you do. Sex is like any hobby. It takes dedication and practice to become an expert, and that expertise is usually partner specific.

Giving in that you'll engage your partner sexually even when you don't really want to, and you will periodically do things for your partner's enjoyment that perhaps aren't your favorite sexual acts, on the understanding that you'll get yours next time 'round.

Game to try anything (within reason). Everyone has boundaries which have to be respected. No one should have to be hurt, humiliated, degraded, or otherwise abused in any relationship. Insofar as none of these lines are crossed, you should be willing to give it the ol' college try if your partner asks.

Two people following this model will find a reasonable sexual compromise that should keep everyone happy.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

marriedguy,

Lets start out with the beginning of your day (really when sex starts), are you doing anything to make her interested in you so that she is thinking about you throughout the day. 

Tease her with some sexual play (but no actually sex), then get ready and go to work... Don't forget when you kiss each other as you part ways to go to work, that you let her start to peck you and then you gently caress the back of her neck and give her a deep french kiss. Basically, what you are doing is predictable, planned, "yawn" boring. And you are only giving her a short period of time for her to think about you and not allowing her time to get caught up to your speed.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

drerio said:


> marriedguy,
> 
> Lets start out with the beginning of your day (really when sex starts), are you doing anything to make her interested in you so that she is thinking about you throughout the day.
> 
> Tease her with some sexual play (but no actually sex), then get ready and go to work... Don't forget when you kiss each other as you part ways to go to work, that you let her start to peck you and then you gently caress the back of her neck and give her a deep french kiss. Basically, what you are doing is predictable, planned, "yawn" boring. And you are only giving her a short period of time for her to think about you and not allowing her time to get caught up to your speed.


Yes yes Ive tried all these things...we are talking about a problem in my marriage since the beginning..
I know she has a low lebido..alot of it has nothing to do with me..I know that now..when a woman
just doesnt need sex she will never please her man no matter how hard she tries, and she has tried..
We are not compatible sexually..For example..I masturbated for the first time when I was 12..she has 
never...that right there is an obvious red flag in this relationship..

Like I said. Im just interested in hearing what kinds of sexual and intimate acts are part of what is considered a 
good sex life..
Just wondering if Im completely missing out or if my expectations are to much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> ....
> 
> Like for example..do any couples sometimes just spend hours making love..to each others bodies..takin
> turns with foreplay and not leaving any body part untouched unkissed?
> ...


Yes, that's what it was like for the first 5-6 years of our marriage. 

Then there was none.. for the 6 years.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Yes, that's what it was like for the first 5-6 years of our marriage.
> 
> Then there was none.. for the 6 years.


that sucks..how can u go from all out to none?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

marriedguy said:


> Yes yes Ive tried all these things...we are talking about a problem in my marriage since the beginning..
> I know she has a low lebido..alot of it has nothing to do with me..I know that now..when a woman
> just doesnt need sex she will never please her man no matter how hard she tries, and she has tried..
> We are not compatible sexually..For example..I masturbated for the first time when I was 12..she has
> ...


And, I gave you mine... or at least what kinds of things are important in leading up to a good sex life. 

I am not one to consider everything has a cure, but just for the sake of elimination, both of you may want to consider getting physical to eliminate any underlying medical problems. 

The masturbation thing is not a red flag, my wife has never masturbated (or so that is what she has told me), but we have a very healthy sexual relationship even after nearly 18 years of marriage. We find ways to make ourselves attracted to each other outside of the physical act of sex itself. It really does start before the bedroom.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Don't beg it's unattractive.
> 
> Sex for me would be every day or almost every day.
> 
> ...



So you really want to be with a woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> that sucks..how can u go from all out to none?


I don't know. He will not tell me why. It was like he flipped a switch one day.

He says that he has ED. But I know he's lying.

I think he just got to the point where he prefers internet porn, virtual worlds and cyber sex. That's all I can figure out since he's not talking.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cletus said:


> So you really want to be with a woman.


Are you saying that a man cannot be a full, functioning adult in a relationship?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that a man cannot be a full, functioning adult in a relationship?


No, I'm saying, with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, that a man can't be a fully functioning woman in a relationship. Of course I'm being a little hyperbolic for levity's sake. 

Men can sometimes be all of those things in that very long laundry list of Prince Charming attributes. Problem is, at some point most of us wind up grabbing you by the hair, picking up a club, and hauling you off to our cave too. 

Can't we be both?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cletus said:


> No, I'm saying, with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, that a man can't be a fully functioning woman in a relationship. Of course I'm being a little hyperbolic for levity's sake.
> 
> Men can sometimes be all of those things in that very long laundry list of Prince Charming attributes. Problem is, at some point most of us wind up grabbing you by the hair, picking up a club, and hauling you off to our cave too.
> 
> Can't we be both?


Oh please do both


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Cletus said:


> So you really want to be with a woman.


How are those womanly traits?

Seriously. No wonder some men aren't getting sex.

Being fair but not a pushover is womanly?

Listening to your partner is womanly? Most relationships start out with both parties paying attention to each other, listening and wanting to know all about each other. There are plenty of men (even on these boards) who want that from their wives too. 

And keeping your word is womanly too? Really? I have known lots of very good men(thankfully) who mean what they say and keep their word.

I can't believe that list is seen as a bad thing by anyone.:scratchhead:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Seriously. No wonder some men aren't getting sex.
> 
> I can't believe that list is seen as a bad thing by anyone.:scratchhead:


We're just having some fun here, don't get that LittleDeer in the headlights look. 

You just described the sensitive gay sidekick from every romantic comedy made over the last 20 years, that's all. 

I'll provide the alternative viewpoint for context - 

"All I want is a woman who swallows. Who shows up at the door wrapped in Saran wrap with a pipe and my slippers in her hands. One who finds physical intimacy that doesn't lead to wild red-behind monkey sex to be a pointless waste of time. A woman who, when I have to change a spare tire on the car, helps by lifting the car up at the corner without the jack. A girl who's only comment during our lazy Sunday 4 hour football marathons is 'Gee, he should have thrown to the wideout on that play instead of trying a stupid run right up the middle. Didn't he see that blitzing linebacker?'. One who sobs on my shoulder at night, and when asked why she's sad, shows remorse at bringing me my beer in an unfrosted glass. A girl who thinks the only thing worse than talking about _feelings_ is going to the store to buy another pair of shoes."

Hope that helps


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP- What do you do to make things happen... Could you set the scene for a all day sex marathon? Write it on her calender (make sure it's not when she has her period), phone off the hook, make sure you have finger food... naked bodies make wonderful food platters and drinks and massage oils, some scarfs for tying up and whips, chains ???  (whatever your into)

What's she going to do ? Say "no", go to sleep?

We have kids and BIG property so I enjoy getting away from home for this type of thing. A dirty weekend away is great for letting your hair down and having fun and for bringing a spark back into your sex life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cletus said:


> We're just having some fun here, don't get that LittleDeer in the headlights look.
> 
> You just described the sensitive gay sidekick from every romantic comedy made over the last 20 years, that's all.
> 
> ...


_

:sleeping:_


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