# In Need Of Advice...



## CherishMe (Jun 29, 2009)

I'm not entirely sure that I feel 100% comfortable 'typing' about this subject. But, alas, I have no one I feel I can confide in about this issue. 
My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years, and we have one daughter who is nearing 7 months old. We had sort of a whirlwind romance, everything happened very quickly and we were married within 7 months of knowing one another. While in the beginning of our relationship we had an amazing connection, instantaneously magical. We had quite an active sex life, we were cuddly, and flirty. It was everything I ever wanted and then some. He just made me feel special.
Lately, however, I just feel like everything is quite one-sided. I tell him I love him as often as I get overwhelmed with urge to do so (which truly is a lot, I love him so dearly). I tell him how much I appreciate him working so hard for myself and my daughter. I have been taking care of our daughter both day and night, and I hardly ever ask for any help with her. (He has changed her diaper one time in the 6 months, and only after I practically had to beg him; his response "I'll do it so I don't have to hear about it anymore.") Obviously, that was a huge mistake on my behalf. I just want him to be prepared to do so if I should ever get a day or a few hours of "me" time and he is home alone with her. Anyway, I digress.
The main issue I am having lately is that when I make advances they are not met with much enthusiasm. Or, any alertness really. I try very hard to let him rest as much as possible once he is home from work. As I know he feels overwhelmed with being the only one working. But, honestly, even when we were both working (before the baby) he would often be less than enthusiastic. I tend to try to let him take a nap and relax before I make any effort to be intimate. Oy. 
For example, the other weekend, he had gone into work for about 5 hours, he came home and went straight to bed, which I had no problem with, after three hours had passed I made sure the baby was taken care of, content and playing with her toys in a safe area, I simply crawled into bed beside him and started massaging him. He had spoken to me so I know he was awake. But, he just laid there, occasionally sighing, I guess to let me know that it was feeling good? So, I crawled ontop, which...if I want to be intimate is pretty much the only way I seem to be able to get any action. (Just an aside to let readers know I am extremely uncomfortable with typing this). Anyway, after a few minutes of him just laying there, I eventually gave up. I mean, he never even opened his eyes while I was ontop of him. He just asked once I got off of him, "Is something wrong?" Should I actually have to answer that? Is it possible that I am THAT hideous? I've lost all of my baby weight, plus an additional 15 pounds, and am trying in between diapers, and feedings, and play time with our daughter, and the endless amount of laundry that comes with a baby, to also work out for close to an hour several times a week. I just can't even explain how heartbroken this makes me. I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he says 'You knew how I am and how I was, why did you even marry me?" Or tells me he's too tired. Or just doesn't really say anything at all. But he didn't used to be this way. Honestly. I seem to have to ask him to tell me I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm begging. But, I offer him compliments, and "looks" of admiration all the time. He is a wonderful provider for our family and I know it must be so stressful to bear the financial burden. 
My other issue, and I apologize for this novel-like post, is that he is ALWAYS seemingly too tired for intercourse or to 'take care' of me, but will NEVER...EVER...EVER pass up oral sex. (Me on the giving end, of course.) Like, he could be seemingly dead asleep, but the moment I get anywhere close to the "magical" spot on him...BAM! He's ready and willing to receive that. I do this because I love him and of course I want him to feel good, but I feel like he's being so selfish. This actually happened just last night. He did however tickle my back some. Which, was nice. And about the biggest tease to me. Sometimes, I just hope and pray that my giving him oral sex will make him want to actually SHARE the moment with me. My heart is honestly, broken by this. I don't understand how things have changed so drastically in such a short time. We're only in our lower to mid TWENTIES and have only been married a few years. I'm at a total loss. 
Does anyone have any advice for me? Divorce is absolutely not an option, I would be lost without him. He and my daughter are my whole entire wide world. Thanks in advance.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I started a thread about your topic.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/4561-difference-between-men-women-who-go-off-sex.html

Men who like sex do not generally turn it down indefinately due to being tiered. Sure, tiredness does not help, but with men, the sex drive is strong. 

He is emotionally lazy with you and does not care about your feelings. Don't *****-foot around, tell him you want sex. Do not give him BJs if it's one sided. By making him ejaculate, you are draining his lust away. Get him turned on, then stop. Make him earn his release. You are training him to be lazy.


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## CherishMe (Jun 29, 2009)

I have been straightforward with him. And I've also made it a point to let him know that I feel he only wants one thing. But he just kinda turns it into a joke and says 'Nuh uh, that's not true." Or sometimes it'll be a really defensive response like, "Well, don't do it if you hate it so much. I won't ask again."...But, I don't hate it. I hate that he doesn't seem to realize his selfishness. Anyhoo, thanks for the quick response.  I won't be giving him anything until he smartens up. Though, I expect this will mean a very...very...long time without much effection.


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## obsessiv (Jun 30, 2009)

Hi, I am new here but I read your post with quite a bit of interest. I am a married man by the way  Seems like there is really a lot going on with you two. Its hard to tell from your post how close he is with your child. It seems very strange that he has only changed one diaper!! Is he active with her otherwise? I think whirlwind relationships can lead to a few problems related to communication. Also you both are quite young and perhaps he doesnt feel comfortable entrusting you with his feelings. You definately should find out whats bugging him. Obviously something is wrong and he doesnt want to tell you. It could be for fear of hurting you or maybe that he doesnt trust his own feelings. Also, he could be cheating on you, is that a possibility?
Men are very visual, easily bored with routine and can feel very hurt by past rejections or feelings of unacceptance by their significant other.
That said, it sounds like you are doing everything right. I really think you need to find out from him whats going on or perhaps think truly about what is lacking between you to trully fullfill him. Anyway, looking forward to hearing more from you on this.


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