# My Wife Would Prefer if I Remained an Addict



## GeoffV

Hello All,

After a long period of soul-searching, I've finally accepted the fact that I can never drink or smoke again. The problem is, my wife “Alice” doesn't want to accept it (this is one reason that it's taken me so long to stop). She has never been very supportive; For example, when I told her that I wanted to quit drinking she bought me my favorite alcoholic beverage the next day, and when I tried quitting smoking and was going through a particularly difficult period of withdrawal she suggested, in all seriousness, that I smoke a cigarette. 

Our social lives are inextricably linked to drinking and drinkers (her social life, I should say—we tend to spend time with “her” friends, and most of the new friends we do meet are in a “party” atmosphere). I've been trying to distance myself from the “party atmosphere”, hoping that Alice would follow, but no such luck. She is uncompromising and will sometimes pout for days if I refuse to go to an event (some of which last for a weekend or more) where I know that the festivities will revolve around alcohol (and pot—but that is another story).

I'm not trying to separate my wife from her friends (many of whom I've become very close with) or forbid her from doing the things that she likes to do, but I feel trapped. I'm avoiding these places and events not only because the temptation is too great, but because I'm discovering more productive and fulfilling ways of spending my time. I've repeatedly explained this to her, but she just doesn't understand how difficult this has been—and is—for me. Counseling, for now, seems out of the question—suffice it to say that Alice has made her views on counseling very clear. These concerns have been taking up most of my mental efforts lately, so right now I could use the perspective of an impartial stranger. 

Regards, 

“Geoff”


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## Mom6547

TOUGH ONE. In the final analysis, she needs to chose between you and HER addiction. Yes her addiction. Cuz that is the only thing that would make her not be supportive of you.

I quit smoking before my husband. He continued to smoke in my presence. Finally he quit. For whatever reason I was able to do that.

I am currently doing something called the Sinclair Method in the hopes that I can hang around with drinkers without a problem. 

Amazon.com: The Cure for Alcoholism: Drink Your Way Sober Without Willpower, Abstinence or Discomfort (9781933771557): Roy Eskapa PhD, David Sinclair PhD: Books

The title of the book goes against all popular thought on the subject. I am early in my plan. So far I DO see hope that the mental connection is weakening. 

In any event, as alcohol becomes less important in YOUR life, you are not going to want to hang out with party animals. You will feel so good about your new healthy lifestyle and so energized things like raquetball will sound better to you! And sex unclouded by wheezing or drunkeness. 

I would suggest counseling for YOU. Is there a way to help "Alice" understand that she is choosing booze over you? (Quitting smoking is WAY easier than quitting drinking, btw.) How do you handle that? How do you help yourself and find the line between helping her too and needing to take care of you? A counseolor may be able to help you negotiate that journey.

Good luck!

S


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## Chris Taylor

I have sort of had the same problem. I decided I needed to stop drinking but my wife doesn't want to drink alone. So she continually encouraged me to drink.

it's hard but I continued to say no and have won her over (only tothe extent that she doesn't push drinking on me).

I think you need to find another outlet for entertainment for your wife. Find something you both can do together without telling her it is a substitute for drinking with her friends. If you feel strong enough, go with her when she goes with her friends but stay away from alcohol. honestly, I can't do that so it may not work for you either.


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## unbelievable

I'm with vthomeschoolmom on this one. I don't think she wants you to be an addict. She wants you for a drinking buddy. I think she isn't ready to confront her own addiction. As you well know, alcohol isn't easy to give up. If she identifies with that crowd, who is she if she isn't a drinker? You're asking her to give up her crutch and her identity. You probably didn't give up smoking and drinking because someone asked you to but because you had finally had enough and you were ready. You might have to let her go to some of these events alone and find other opportunities to spend time with her on your terms, too. Who knows? Maybe she'll enjoy the non-drinking outings and the new friends you'll meet so much, it'll make quitting easier for her.


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## GeoffV

Sorry it's taken me a few days--being on the wagon is going well, but it's still tough to sit down and concentrate for any length of time.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, and for being so respectful. It hasn't been easy, but I've been sticking to my guns despite the pressure. It really feels like I'm past the point of no return now and that no amount of pressure will tempt me to drink or smoke again--life without alcohol and nicotine is slowly but surely feeling better than the life I had with them. We did go out to a bar this week (I only drank water and cola) and I broached the subject with Alice again--she still isn't very happy about it-- but I get the feeling that, with time, she will come around.

vthomeschoolmom: Alice's drinking in excess has become much less frequent over the years, so I am hopeful--as long as I set a good example--that she may eventually appreciate life without alcohol. I am seriously considering counseling. BTW, congratulations on quitting smoking and best of luck with the Sinclair Method. 

Pandakiss: You certainly aren't overstepping--I appreciate any honest suggestions. I'm already consciously trying to adopt, as you said, a new way of thinking. It's strange, scary and wonderful. So far so good.

Chris Taylor: I'm sorry to hear you're in the same situation--I hope things improve for you. Thanks for the suggestion--I will try to think of more alcohol-free ways of spending time with Alice.

unbelievable: We started out as drinking buddies so what you say makes perfect sense. Boy, do I know what you mean when you say drinking is part of one's identity--that is one of the toughest things about addiction, as far as I'm concerned. I probably will have to let her go alone for a while, but that will give me an opportunity to think of new ways for us to spend time together.

Thanks again for the support, everyone.

Regards,

Matt


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## Mom6547

GeoffV said:


> Sorry it's taken me a few days--being on the wagon is going well, but it's still tough to sit down and concentrate for any length of time.
> 
> Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, and for being so respectful. It hasn't been easy, but I've been sticking to my guns despite the pressure. It really feels like I'm past the point of no return now and that no amount of pressure will tempt me to drink or smoke again--life without alcohol and nicotine is slowly but surely feeling better than the life I had with them.


Oh HURRAY! What good news! Have you done any reading on nutrition to ease your journey? Apparently drinking changes some of the metabolic functions thus contributing to the cravings. Dietary changes can help as well as improving your overall feelings of energy, adding positive success to the list of awesome motivators.




> Thanks again for the support, everyone.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Matt


 I am rooting for you over here!


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## GeoffV

I haven't done any reading on nutrition as it specifically relates to withdrawal cravings--didn't even think of it. That might have made things easier! I did try to avoid spicy foods for the first week or so and although I've heard that you should avoid caffeine for a while, there was no way I was not going to drink coffee. I have been reading Steven Ilard's "The Depression Cure", which suggests taking omega-3 supplements daily.


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