# The conversation



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Married 12 years, h leaves me sept 26 to "find himself", tells me ILYBINILWY. I find out he's having a pa, end nov. no kids. 

He is still with her,tbh she can have him. But it bothers me he has not come to get his stuff and has not talked to me at all so I don't know anything. It bothers me as I feel I deserve to finally be able to talk with him face to face. I'm sure he's feeling guilty, as well he should be. I just want to have that conversation where we each say what we want to say. And I realise I may never get it. besides if he's in the fog what's the point. I just want an open honest conversation but that probably won't happen anyway.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry to hear that. Have you talked to his family?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Send him a text or email:

" Get your stuff out of this house by next Saturday noon. I'm having a Goodwill truck come by at 1:00 PM to take some odds and ends. Whatever you haven't taken by then goes. 

ILYBINILWY
your stbx "


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Chopsy,

I have never had an open and honest conversation with my WS now EXW. If you are looking for something from them that can explain all this away in some rational sense, please remember you are dealing with a liar and someone who you absolutely trusted with you most sacred self and they absolutely betrayed you. Don't look for justification from them.

My EX could look right at me and lie to my face. You may have a conversation but how could you possibly be able to sort out what is true. I don't even think she knows what the truth is anymore with all the lies she has told.

Move on, don't waste your time thinking about them. Focus on being a better you. Find things you enjoy in life. Pursue your happiness not your justification from WS. Life is precious. Don't waste time on someone who could care less about you. 

Throw his crap out... He doesn't want it. Toss it in the dumpster.


----------



## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

lies, blame shifting, justification and excuses is all you'll get. It's really a waste of time.


I say go with this. 



walkonmars said:


> Send him a text or email:
> 
> " Get your stuff out of this house by next Saturday noon. I'm having a Goodwill truck come by at 1:00 PM to take some odds and ends. Whatever you haven't taken by then goes.
> 
> ...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> Chopsy,
> 
> I have never had an open and honest conversation with my WS now EXW. If you are looking for something from them that can explain all this away in some rational sense, please remember you are dealing with a liar and someone who you absolutely trusted with you most sacred self and they absolutely betrayed you. Don't look for justification from them.
> 
> ...


And remember, after they get used to lying, they will lie even when the truth would serve them better. A convo with a fool is useless.


----------



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm sure you're all right. Not worth pursuing then, shall drop it. If he ever wants to talk, he knows where I am. 

Jasel, his family know everything and are horrified and keep telling him to talk to me..oh well. I'm lucky his family are so awesome, they've said all along I'm their family too.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Is it you want to hear from him or you want to get some emotions off your chest?

If it's the latter, send him a letter laying it all out.

If it's the former, you can't make someone talk to you. If you REALLY need to, you can outline how incredibly nonthreatening you'll make the conversation and hope.

But don't hold your breath.


----------



## mattokeol (Jan 13, 2013)

I'm having a Goodwill truck come by at 1:00 PM to take some odds and ends. Whatever you haven't taken by then goes.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Chopsy: You may never ever be fortunate enough to get that conversation until such time that you're engaged in mediating the divorce settlement. And while you may want to greatly engage in that dialogue with him, he conversely may not want to have it with you!

Just work on extricating yourself from that mess and file for D post haste! You deserve far better out of life!


----------



## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

I do understand the need for closure however if he doesn't care about you then why subject yourself to talking to him. He's not remorseful so he won't say he's sorry and if he does would you really believe him. I think he deserves a little credit for not staying and lying to you everyday and cheating behind your back. As far as whether he's in "the fog" or not, the fog is what us bs come up with to justify our poor selection in mates. In my opinion the only time anyone was in "the fog" and that was me when after dday I believed my exh had ended things and the ow meant nothing. If he does contact you don't lower yourself to begging him to come home, even if things fail with the ow. Have alittle bit of self worth, he doesn't deserve you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have a Solicitor's letter sent to him stating that you would like to give him an opportunity to speak with him. Ask him if counselling is an option.

If not, have the letter get him to collect his belongings at a certain time and date.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Married 12 years, h leaves me sept 26 to "find himself", tells me ILYBINILWY. I find out he's having a pa, end nov. no kids.
> 
> He is still with her,tbh she can have him. But it bothers me he has not come to get his stuff and has not talked to me at all so I don't know anything. It bothers me as I feel I deserve to finally be able to talk with him face to face. I'm sure he's feeling guilty, as well he should be. I just want to have that conversation where we each say what we want to say. And I realise I may never get it. besides if he's in the fog what's the point. I just want an open honest conversation but that probably won't happen anyway.


Send him one email with everything you want to say. It will provide some closure for you. If he doesn't respond, then he is a coward.


----------



## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Send him one email with everything you want to say. It will provide some closure for you. If he doesn't respond, then he is a coward.


If you need closure then sending a registered letter to him is your best bet. After you write it read it and read it and read it over again. Make sure you get everything off your chest, just please don't beg him to talk to you or for counseling, it is a huge waste of your time and money when only one person is committed to the relationship. Also taking advice from other bs's that are in the fog themselves or in denial isn't very helpful to you I would think because it may give you a sense of false hope. I do think he is being a cold hearted selfish prick and at this point all you can hope for is his new gf does it to him someday. Love can not be a one way street. I can be objective because my exh betrayed me many years ago and it took along time for my fog to lift. And even though we never had a good marriage I wanted to save it because I didn't want to look like a failure. Well I'm not the failure he was. This isn't about you, it's about him being a spineless coward who needs to man up. Don't expect closure from him, find it with in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Married 12 years, h leaves me sept 26 to "find himself", tells me ILYBINILWY. I find out he's having a pa, end nov. no kids.
> 
> He is still with her,tbh she can have him. But it bothers me he has not come to get his stuff and has not talked to me at all so I don't know anything. It bothers me as I feel I deserve to finally be able to talk with him face to face. I'm sure he's feeling guilty, as well he should be. I just want to have that conversation where we each say what we want to say. And I realise I may never get it. besides if he's in the fog what's the point. I just want an open honest conversation but that probably won't happen anyway.


Did his pa start after he left? And if so its not an affair is it? Has he just moved on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Try your best to not worry about someone who isn't worried about you.


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Sorry that you are in this situation, obviously he is not very proud of his actions, or OW won't let him, either way it is a crying shame. Still this is not your shame, it is his alone. Time to lawyer up and get this thing over with and get on with your life. Life is way to short for you to waste your time on this Barney. Best of luck to you.


----------

