# Don’t know what to do



## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

I may get bashed on here but I am completely grossed out by my husband. He doesn’t brush his teeth, has horrible breath and I absolutely cannot get close to him. I’ve mentioned these things as nicely as possible but no change. He simply doesn’t care for himself. He suffers from some depression issues and is on medication- but it doesn’t seem to help. He is verbally abusive and says inappropriate things to me sexually. I have no sexual desire to be with him and the thought of it makes me anxious and scared honestly. It’s been years and I have no plans on changing that as I see it as being forced if I have no desire. He refuses any counseling and always blames me for everything. I also have a history of sexual trauma which I’ve tried to discuss but it’s apparently “no excuse”. The things he says trigger that trauma and I’m at a point I resent him. I understand his frustration but if I leave I fear he will destroy everything I own that I have worked hard for. If I leave it’s to benefit both of us it’s not because I really want to but at this point I hate to keep this up. What do I do?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is an easy one ... he is totally disgusting. Dump him .... gross!! You should t touch him with a 10ft pole


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

What is there that's worth keeping?


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> What is there that's worth keeping?


Honestly I’m not sure. We have been together a long time and we do have fun if he can just be halfway normal and refrain from sexual comments. I enjoy his company otherwise.


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> This is an easy one ... he is totally disgusting. Dump him .... gross!! You should t touch him with a 10ft pole


Not that easy! I’m terrified of his reaction. We have discussed it but mainly him yelling about divorce and I should just leave and so on. No adult conversations everything turns into yelling for him. Complete lack of understanding.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Soconfused0203 said:


> Not that easy! I’m terrified of his reaction. We have discussed it but mainly him yelling about divorce and I should just leave and so on. No adult conversations everything turns into yelling for him. Complete lack of understanding.


I’d count your lucky stars.... help him pack and call the lawyer for him.
Honestly that is really disgusting. No one is going to think bad of you for that. Who would want to be near him?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

This seems like one of those cases where it's confused and confusing as to who wants it ended and who doesn't really.


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’d count your lucky stars.... help him pack and call the lawyer for him.
> Honestly that is really disgusting. No one is going to think bad of you for that. Who would want to be near him?


What if he won’t leave


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> This seems like one of those cases where it's confused and confusing as to who wants it ended and who doesn't really.


It is. I will survive. He relies on me for so much I think is why there are a lot of threats. But he won’t be the one to leave.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> I may get bashed on here but I am completely grossed out by my husband. He doesn’t brush his teeth, has horrible breath and I absolutely cannot get close to him. I’ve mentioned these things as nicely as possible but no change. He simply doesn’t care for himself. He suffers from some depression issues and is on medication- but it doesn’t seem to help. He is verbally abusive and says inappropriate things to me sexually. I have no sexual desire to be with him and the thought of it makes me anxious and scared honestly. It’s been years and I have no plans on changing that as I see it as being forced if I have no desire. He refuses any counseling and always blames me for everything. I also have a history of sexual trauma which I’ve tried to discuss but it’s apparently “no excuse”. The things he says trigger that trauma and I’m at a point I resent him. I understand his frustration but if I leave I fear he will destroy everything I own that I have worked hard for. If I leave it’s to benefit both of us it’s not because I really want to but at this point I hate to keep this up. What do I do?


You seem to be a confused person.

You said you cannot handle his anger but on the other hand you like his company - So what is important for you ?

You got married to him to accept the way he is.. and vice versa. So, did he develop short temperedness after marriage ? Wasnt be brushing his teeth before you entered his life ?


More on your reply


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> You seem to be a confused person.
> 
> You said you cannot handle his anger but on the other hand you like his company - So what is important for you ?
> 
> ...


Well I’m not super confused. I know what needs to be done but he is back and forth. I’m standing my ground but he will not make a decision. He was absolutely not like this before. The past 6 years or more it’s went down hill dramatically. I don’t know why. The depression? But he won’t get help for it. Nothing confusing about enjoying good times and not enjoying the bad.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> Well I’m not super confused. I know what needs to be done but he is back and forth. I’m standing my ground but he will not make a decision. He was absolutely not like this before. The past 6 years or more it’s went down hill dramatically. I don’t know why. The depression? But he won’t get help for it. Nothing confusing about enjoying good times and not enjoying the bad.


What is the reason for his depression ?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> What is the reason for his depression ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And efforts did you make to try to overcome his depression ?


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> What is the reason for his depression ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Fantastic question! He refuses therapy so never got to the brunt of it. And it started years ago before our relationship started declining.


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> And efforts did you make to try to overcome his depression ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Encouraged therapy. Tried asking questions. He will not communicate at all. Tried just being there. I’ve made efforts. He’s made none. Just takes medicine and goes on.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> Encouraged therapy. Tried asking questions. He will not communicate at all. Tried just being there. I’ve made efforts. He’s made none. Just takes medicine and goes on.


Taking medicines isnt a permanent remedy. There is something that is hurting him bigtime and this has caused drastic change in his behaviour. To be honest, medics will do no good.

Did you try to have a word with his close friends ? Does he speak his heart with anyone close to him ?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

He has become lethargic which is why hes neglecting basic hygiene. Am sure something shocking might have happened in his life which made him change and he dont want you to know.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah. He too probably has some trauma history.


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> He has become lethargic which is why hes neglecting basic hygiene. Am sure something shocking might have happened in his life which made him change and he dont want you to know.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He’s not the type to talk to anyone. He has friends but never has kept close friend relationships. We are cut from a different cloth. He doesn’t like for me to talk to my friends. Interferes in conversations and disrupts any relationships I have. He has neglected basic hygiene for years. He showers but his breath is absolutely disgusting. He has even lost some teeth due to it. And I’m fully aware medication isn’t the answer. He will not try alternatives


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> He’s not the type to talk to anyone. He has friends but never has kept close friend relationships. We are cut from a different cloth. He doesn’t like for me to talk to my friends. Interferes in conversations and disrupts any relationships I have. He has neglected basic hygiene for years. He showers but his breath is absolutely disgusting. He has even lost some teeth due to it. And I’m fully aware medication isn’t the answer. He will not try alternatives


What are the things he like to do the most in general ?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> He’s not the type to talk to anyone. He has friends but never has kept close friend relationships. We are cut from a different cloth. He doesn’t like for me to talk to my friends. Interferes in conversations and disrupts any relationships I have. He has neglected basic hygiene for years. He showers but his breath is absolutely disgusting. He has even lost some teeth due to it. And I’m fully aware medication isn’t the answer. He will not try alternatives


Based on your response, how did you fall in love with you ? What qualities of him attracted you to marry him ? (I am not blaming anyone in specific bt just trying to figure out the root cause).


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> He’s not the type to talk to anyone. He has friends but never has kept close friend relationships. We are cut from a different cloth. He doesn’t like for me to talk to my friends. Interferes in conversations and disrupts any relationships I have. He has neglected basic hygiene for years. He showers but his breath is absolutely disgusting. He has even lost some teeth due to it. And I’m fully aware medication isn’t the answer. He will not try alternatives


Based on your response, how did you fall in love with you ? What qualities of him attracted you to marry him ? (I am not blaming anyone in specific bt just trying to figure out the root cause).


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## Soconfused0203 (Dec 27, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> Based on your response, how did you fall in love with you ? What qualities of him attracted you to marry him ? (I am not blaming anyone in specific bt just trying to figure out the root cause).
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He doesn’t really like to do much of anything. We were kids honestly. I don’t know that there were any specifics. We just clicked at the time. 16 years ago.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Soconfused0203 said:


> He doesn’t really like to do much of anything. We were kids honestly. I don’t know that there were any specifics. We just clicked at the time. 16 years ago.


Well, in that case, by now you must get addicted to his nature because it seems he got married to you thinking you have accepted him the way he is. On the other hand, if he truly loves you then he should have tried an attempt to give basic stuff that will make you ever happy.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> Well, in that case, by now you must get addicted to his nature because it seems he got married to you thinking you have accepted him the way he is. On the other hand, if he truly loves you then he should have tried an attempt to give basic stuff that will make you ever happy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Love always play a vital role. If he really care for you then yes he will find a way to make minor changes in his nature.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Soconfused0203 said:


> I may get bashed on here but I am completely grossed out by my husband. He doesn’t brush his teeth, has horrible breath and I absolutely cannot get close to him. I’ve mentioned these things as nicely as possible but no change. He simply doesn’t care for himself. He suffers from some depression issues and is on medication- but it doesn’t seem to help. He is verbally abusive and says inappropriate things to me sexually. I have no sexual desire to be with him and the thought of it makes me anxious and scared honestly. It’s been years and I have no plans on changing that as I see it as being forced if I have no desire. He refuses any counseling and always blames me for everything. I also have a history of sexual trauma which I’ve tried to discuss but it’s apparently “no excuse”. The things he says trigger that trauma and I’m at a point I resent him. I understand his frustration but if I leave I fear he will destroy everything I own that I have worked hard for. If I leave it’s to benefit both of us it’s not because I really want to but at this point I hate to keep this up. What do I do?


Having read your other responses I would say that you have to make the plans to leave him. If you are worried about your things, then you need to plan things in such a way as to protect them. Maybe pick a day when he will be out to pack and leave. Or, if you think you could pull it off, "give away" things to people you know will hold them for you until you can move out. Even better, have friends come over and help you pack and stand guard over your stuff. He can't throw them out as long as you are there to say they are invited. And if he assaults them, then you/they can have him arrested which will give you more time to move out. You are at a point where you cannot help him because he will not help himself, nor take responsibility for what he is going through. Staying will not help. That way lies madness.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Soconfused0203 said:


> *What do I do?*


Stop being a victim, for starters.

This isn't some kind of personal *endurance* test, putting up with this disgusting pig year after year, is it? Because it SOUNDS like one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Soconfused0203 said:


> What if he won’t leave


With a divorce, the marital residence/equity will be part of the asset division. 

Either the house will be sold and you each get your share of the equity or the house go to one of as part of the asset division. 

If you get the house then he can be served with eviction. 

In short, people can not “refuse” to be divorced and kept away from the other party. One does not need the other’s consent and compliance to get divorced. It only takes one to make a divorce .


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that rather than confused you're afraid and cowered with the alternative (life on your own). That's why you keep yourself tied down to a relationship that's nausea inducing.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Soconfused0203 said:


> we do have fun if he can just be halfway normal and refrain from sexual comments. I enjoy his company otherwise.





Soconfused0203 said:


> Not that easy! I’m terrified of his reaction. We have discussed it but mainly him yelling about divorce and I should just leave and so on. No adult conversations everything turns into yelling for him. Complete lack of understanding.



I don't see how you could enjoy his company when you can't have any adult conversations with him without him yelling at you.

Look, we all get it, you're scared, it's not easy.

None of us may decide this for you but you really need to think long and hard about the following.

Will the pain, misery and heartache of choosing to spend the rest of you life with him, decades more, be more painful than the short term pain and misery of divorcing him?


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