# Ex-girlfriend FBing husband



## ekygrl

So, I thought since I don't like to call my hubby while he's working and he goes out of town sometimes for work, I'd set him up on Facebook. I could post updates on what the babies and I are doing throughout the day, add pictures when they're doing something cute, you know, a way to keep in touch at the click of a button on his cell. Good idea, right? WRONG! 

I go to check our email last night right before bed and low and behold, his ex-girlfriend from 9 years back has sent him a friend request with a message that says, "How've you been?" She's married for (I think) a couple of years now, we're married for four years and have two small children together. They dated throughout high school and lived together in college. They also kept in touch here and there for the first year we dated. He never told me, but I saw the phone bill, so I knew and chose not to mention it.

I would not be so sensitive about this but about a week or so before our wedding, she called his parents and got his cell number to call him and beg him not to marry me. She was having problems with her boyfriend at the time and was completely convinced she could stop our wedding in time for my fiance' to come sweep her off her feet. He obviously told her he was getting married to me and things went on as planned, but he never told me about this situation. Instead, I found out on my own, from a strange email and a slip-up from his mom. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't want to hurt or bother me and saw no reason to tell me about it before. I didn't mention it to him until after our wedding, and he has no idea how close I came to not marrying him that day because I did not know what he had told her on the phone.

When I told him that she had sent a request with a message last night, he basically told me he thought she had no ill intention and probably did just want to see how things were going to be friendly. I believe if he had truly taken care of the situation the right way from the beginning, she would never think she could just contact him out of the blue this way. I would NEVER contact any of my exes, especially being married myself, if they were married. I would think she would be embarrassed to do so. I am a Christian, and I believe that "forsake all others" means exactly that, but he says he is curious about how she's doing. I think she just likes the idea that she can contact him anytime she wants when things are not going as she would like because he's familiar and will listen. 

So, I thought after arguing with him about it and him finally going to sleep, leaving me up, crying and miserable half the night, I would do the right thing for him. If he can't do it himself, then why not? I blocked her. He has no idea how to undo it so it's done for good, but I believe eventually she will try to contact him through her sister or someone else in her family. I don't know what to do, as my husband does not seem to want to cooperate with me and has no real sympathy for my feelings. Please help!


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## Amplexor

First off I doubt that if he had “ended it properly” it would have prevented her from trying to contact him again. She knows he is married and has contacted him anyway. Blocking her from his FB won’t likely deter her either. Secondly from his standpoint I can understand he didn’t want to tell you of the call and cause a lot of chaos during the wedding period. 

I think you are wise to raise an eyebrow to this new attempt to get in contact with him. Are there problems in the marriage already that concern you? He may see this as a very innocent relationship but it could be a danger also. What else can you tell us about the marriage today that might have an impact on this?

I will agree whole heartedly that he needs to show more empathy for you in this.


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## ekygrl

Our marriage is generally pretty good. I have no idea what hers is like, but considering this is the same guy she was dating when she tried to stop our marriage, I can only assume she isn't 100% committed to it. I just know I would not want to contact anyone from my past, especially if they were married, because why should I? 

The only time we have problems is when he allows someone to come in from the past and hides it from me. He is good about withholding information and half-truths, or what I would call lying. It seems he wants to hold on to parts of his past and doesn't care how that makes me feel. 

A few months ago, he sent another girl (whom he was "friends" with in college, but nearly slept with) a birthday wish, but told me she sent him an email. I can always tell when he's lying, so of course, I looked at his email and sure enough he had started the conversation. That girl is on his Facebook today, and he has no intention of removing her, even though I told him I'm not comfortable with the contact. He lied to me a few years ago about meeting her (her husband was with her) and a few other friends when he was supposed to be out of town on business. I only found out because he charged parking on our credit card, and he told me he was on his way to lunch with business clients, supposedly in another town. 

I asked him if either of these two and one more contact him, why he feels like he needs to respond, and he says it's curiosity. But, I just think it's a way to open up conversation between them. It's not that I don't trust him, because I do believe he would be faithful to me, at least, physically. I think if he gives them half a chance, they'll be contacting him anytime they feel like it. I think he likes the attention. 


I just feel like when I feel threatened or hurt he should as well. I don't want to have to argue about this over and over again. I hate that he lies to me. I hate that he would rather fight for his right to talk to these people than to think about what it is doing to me and cease to do it. I'm not jealous of these girls, instead I'm furious that he doesn't consider my feelings.

We have two small children, yet we go out on date nights once a week, and I am always writing him emails, notes, doing things I think he'll like. I get nothing in return. I'm just so hurt.


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## ekygrl

Do you think I should send this girl an email and tell her to back off?


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## Sensitive

I am sorry you are feeling hurt. It sounds like your hubby is doing the same thing as my hubby. My hubby has a lot of secret online female friends, but since he is not having sex with them, he thinks he is completely innocent. The more I question him, the more he will hide it. Unfortunatley, I don't have any advice.


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## ekygrl

Thanks, Sensitive. It's really tough to know what to do in this situation. I have no secret friends and never would, and have absolutely no desire to keep in touch with any ex-boyfriend, so I just don't understand it.


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## Amplexor

Well your husband’s past in flat out lying or lying through omission is a problem to start with. If he finds lying is OK you will never really know what is going on in that relationship. How does he justify lying to you? Especially if it is to cover something up that he knows you would disapprove of. You said he might do these things because he likes the attention. What kind of attention do you think he seeks? Validation, ego strokes, power trip….. From your post you appear to be trying to provide him with a lot of attention. 

As far as contacting her, what would that accomplish? She apparently doesn’t care that he is married and has no concerns for your feelings. It could result in angering your husband or her trying to use this action against you.


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## ekygrl

Amplexor said:


> He may see this as a very innocent relationship but it could be a danger also.


I agree. I think he does actually think as long as he's not physical with any of these girls, he's doing nothing wrong. I don't believe anyone would contact an ex unless they were looking for something familiar.


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## ekygrl

Amplexor said:


> Well your husband’s past in flat out lying or lying through omission is a problem to start with. If he finds lying is OK you will never really know what is going on in that relationship. How does he justify lying to you? Especially if it is to cover something up that he knows you would disapprove of. You said he might do these things because he likes the attention. What kind of attention do you think he seeks? Validation, ego strokes, power trip….. From your post you appear to be trying to provide him with a lot of attention.
> 
> As far as contacting her, what would that accomplish? She apparently doesn’t care that he is married and has no concerns for your feelings. It could result in angering your husband or her trying to use this action against you.


He just says that he lies because he doesn't like confrontation. I say if he doesn't like confrontation, then he shouldn't do things he knows hurts me. I think he just likes the thought that he has these girls who still may care about him, like a validation, I guess...people who just can't seem to let him go. 

I do absolutely try to give him a lot of attention. I'm the one who started the whole date night thing, since the little boys have gotten old enough for my older two children to sit with.


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## Amplexor

ekygrl said:


> I say if he doesn't like confrontation, then he shouldn't do things he knows hurts me.


You are dead on here. It is a catch 22. He lies to avoid confrontation but the confrontation is caused by his poor choices. 

Avoidance of confrontation by men in their relationship with their wives is not an uncommon trait. Many of us do it and with that behavior we may see a relationship erode because core issues are not addressed. Instead they smolder for the couple until an eruption occurs that is unrelated to the real issue. A spat about something that is meaningless in the big picture. To address it takes communications and a lot of it. I would suggest that you have a conversation about this issue. Make sure you have plenty of time to discuss it and that there won’t be any distractions. Tell him calmly and clearly how his contact with women makes you feel. Don’t attack or accuse, just state your POV. Then ask him why he feels a need to do it. Probe and try and understand why it is important to him. If the two of you can gain empathy for each other you may find a path to resolving the issue and you will both be happier.


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## ekygrl

Well, I tried last night to talk to him. He continued to say that he's just "curious" how she's doing and he doesn't know what the big deal is. I told him it hurts me that he even cares, and I don't want to be embarrassed when her face pops up on his account and all our family and friends see it. 

I also told him she should be ashamed of herself. If I had thrown myself at someone in some last ditch effort to get them back right before their wedding, I would NEVER try to make any contact with them at all. And I also said something like I think she must be a real wacko to attempt this again. And, of course, he said, "No, I don't think that's it. I just think she's wants to see how I'm doing," to which I replied, "WHY???" I mean who cares!?

So, ends up I'm so furious, I tell him if he speaks, writes, IMs, anything with her, I will leave him. I didn't really mean it, but I said it. I'm so confused! I don't want to give in on this, because I really believe he should respect me more than this. However, I don't want her thinking she has half a chance, and I believe she does think she can come in and out of his life whenever she feels like it. 

Do you think I should tell him to go ahead and reply to her message, ask her all the questions he's "curious" about, and then never talk to her again? I don't know what to do!


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## Amplexor

ekygrl said:


> Do you think I should tell him to go ahead and reply to her message, ask her all the questions he's "curious" about, and then never talk to her again? I don't know what to do!


An interesting approach and it might be worth a try. But I would couch it so that you are trying to respect his curiosity and once he has done that he should respect your feelings in kind. About 10 years ago a former flame of mine got in contact with me. I let my wife know about it and we corresponded for a couple of weeks. She was in town one weekend and we arranged for her to meet my wife and kids. It all went fine as far as I was concerned and I gained some missing closure from the relationship. A couple of weeks later she wrote me to tell me her marriage was in trouble and the contact with me was not a coincidence. She had never really gotten past me. (We hadn’t been together for 7 or 8 years.) I immediately ended the contact and never regretted it. There were strong reasons why that relationship failed. Some time later my wife told me that was the only time she ever felt jealousy in our marriage but she never let me know it during the time. Maybe he will get closure also.

PS Don’t throw down the I’m leaving gauntlet unless you are ready to back it up. He will see you don’t mean it and may push his boundaries further with you.


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## ekygrl

Thanks, Amp, you've been a huge help! 

So it is done...I accepted her friend request myself and sent him an email telling him that I did. I laid down the terms though, that no one should cross the lines and as soon as his curiosity is fulfilled, she's gone. It only took her a few minutes to get a message sent to him, of course. She didn't post anything on his wall, certainly because she knows I would see it there. What she doesn't know is a copy of her email went directly to our home inbox. Guess I should fix that so I don't see what she writes, or else I'll be breathing fire soon! She mentioned that our boys are beautiful and look just like him, and how she's not surprised he's gone back to school. Just had to put something in there to flatter him, I'm sure.

I also noticed that she's already befriended some of his friends from college now...so the embarrassment begins...and they are already talking about the cat they used to have together (that we now have here). This is going to be harder than I could have ever imagined. 

I am 99.9% positive she's after him. Now all I can do is pray he does the right thing.


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## Amplexor

ekygrl said:


> I am 99.9% positive she's after him. Now all I can do is pray he does the right thing.


Good luck, keep us posted.


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## picabu

has it dawned on you that he may have set up a seperate facebook page...anonymous to you so that he could contact her without your knowledge????

Men are sneaky and this is what my H has done on many sites.

Should have sent her the email to back off & never mentioned her invite to him. Now he is just to "curious".


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## Amplexor

picabu said:


> Men are sneaky












Ouch!!!


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## Maria

I'm sorry you are going through this but was really pleased to find this thread since I struggle with the same things with my partner around facebook and on-line talks. He recently set up a school reunion group through facebook and then arranged a reunion and posts on facebook and chats online with several girls from his old school. What concerns me is that all the posts when asked what he is up to say "I went...blah blah" and never any mention of "we". 

This has been an on-going issue for a year or so and have the same thoughts as you. I'm trust my partner is not seeking to be unfaithful and in fact think he would run a mile, however I do believe he likes the female attention, ego etc. I'm starting to realise more and more though that this hurts and does no good to my self-esteem that used to be ok so sometimes it is not just about being unfaithful. Why does he need this, I have no idea but in my case think the issue is around he is not 100% committed to our relationship and likes to have these other distractions. I'm reluctant to say anything more since he can so easily then hide it from me more. 

It is such a tough one this on-line stuff and I'm still trying to work out my own answers. 

I find it particularly hard I am open and he knows well the only two male friends I have and I find it uncomfortable that he seems to have these online friends I have never met that occassionally he mets with (but never with partners) and they chat on line and there is a completely spearate part of this life from me .....His answer always is that he is more a private person than me and that life these days has evolved to more on-line networking. Bollocks is really what I think of it and I continue to let the situation ride until I find what is comfortable and acceptable for me. We have talked and talked about it and it always ends in a row and he thinks he is doing nothing wrong so for me I need to wait and decide what to do. 

I hope at least that it helps to know there are others out there trying to work out these situations. 

Best of luck with yours 
Maria


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## ekygrl

Thanks everyone for the support and letting me know I'm not the only one who is going through this. I was beginning to think I needed psychiatric help, because I thought maybe no one reacts the way I do to these kinds of situations. 

The hubby and I talked about this pretty extensively last night in the car before our daughter's recital. I told him exactly how I felt and I shared your story with him, Amp, and a few others. Actually since I posted this to two different sites, I have gotten quite a few responses from men who said the same thing had happened to them and for me to keep a close eye on the situation. 

Anyhow, he told me I have nothing to worry about and if anything starts to look fishy, then he'll cut it off immediately. All I can do now is trust that he will. When I read the message she sent to him, I could tell she's casting out the lure. I know I would never butter a man up like she did unless I was hoping for a specific response. 

I surely hope all of us in this boat will turn out with a positive result. The internet is such a strange place with opportunities I'm not yet equipped to handle, I think. It's like there are no boundaries what you can do/say online, but with this girl I'm dealing with, there weren't any in the first place. I think it will just be a matter of days before she crosses the line, if she does at all, because now that he knows my expectations, at least I hope he will keep the conversations at a minimum and always portray our family in a good light. Maybe that will show her there is no place for her in our lives. 

I'll let you know what happens after he replies. I have a feeling it will be only a few minutes before she sends a response...she seems to be anticipating it.

I'll keep you all in my prayers. Good luck and keep in touch.


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## Amplexor

ekygrl said:


> I surely hope all of us in this boat will turn out with a positive result. The internet is such a strange place with opportunities I'm not yet equipped to handle, I think. It's like there are no boundaries what you can do/say online,


My wife’s EA started on-line and ended up with multiple daily phone calls. She didn’t even realize her feelings of friendship had passed over to love until after the relationship ended. (The first time) We’ve both gone through a lot of pain in the recovery of our marriage over the last couple of years. But many parts of it are stronger than ever because of our experiences. Some parts still are not fixed but we continue on. Glad you are addressing this early on and that he now seems to be getting a better understanding of your concerns and feelings. Bravo for you both and good luck. :smthumbup:


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## picabu

Sorry Amp,

You are right, let me re-phrase. Online users (both men & women) can be sneaky.

Am I forgiven???? (lol)


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## Amplexor

picabu said:


> Sorry Amp,
> 
> You are right, let me re-phrase. Online users (both men & women) can be sneaky.
> 
> Am I forgiven???? (lol)


I shall spare you from my wrath.


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## picabu

thank you oh wise & wonderful Amp!!!!


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## yesterday

ekygrl-

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar tale that I have shared on this site. You can search for the thread via my user name. In summary, my wife reconnected with her first love briefly. I was OK with it initially b/c she asked me if I would be comfortable with it. I thought she satified her curiousity and communications were over, but later found out that she had been calling, texting and emailing him on an every other day basis, and not telling me about it. I got some great advice from this board that worked for *me*:

1. trust your gut always 
- if you think she is after him, you are right
- don't back down; he has a history of lying and conflict avoidance
2. what Amp said above - be careful with ultimatums
3. probe deeper into the underlying issues in your marriage - it sounds to me like you feel resentment that your attention to him is not given back in return - where's that coming from and can you 2 resolve that?

Good luck!


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## linliltree

Don't worry about the Ex, you are married to him now. She is just testing the waters to see if she may have a way in.

I am a Pastor along with my husband and we recently had my husband's ex from high school reach out to him from 29 years ago saying she needed closure and counseling (LOL). Yeah Right! She found him on a streaming network where our ministry is featured. What are the chances?

You did basically what I did... I told him and forwarded her email to him and he was really irritated that she even contacted him. He didn't want to contact her and stressed his reasons why. So, as his wife I handled the situation and responded to her saying basically - Thanks for your email, I forwarded your mail on to my husband and he states that he doesn't wish to have contact with you. However, I am also a Pastor and am qualified to consel you spiritually and help you find the closure that you need and I am more than willing to do so. If interested call me at our ministry. :smthumbup:

Needless to say... we heard nothing else from her, and it's now been 6 months. CASE CLOSED! Don't allow yourself to get upset over a past girlfriend. Remember... it was the ex that reached out to your husband not the other way around. In his defense, he probably just wanted to leave the past in the past and didn't want to interact with her. 

It's not a problem... you are married to him, so don't let her have the opportunity to cause an argument or cause a riff in your marriage. She had her chance with him and if he wanted her he would have married her and not you. Let it go.

Best wishes...


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## ekygrl

Thanks, all. The problem seems to have cleared itself up. We have blocked her and my husband was good with that when he realized how much it really bothered me. When he looked back over the email she had sent, he saw what I saw: a woman fishing.


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## Amplexor

Good for you two ekygrl. Glad to hear he saw it for what it was. Great job in helping him along. Keep us posted and take care.


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## Puddinpop4u

ekygrl, 

I'm really glad that this all worked out well for you, but I have to point out that you really didn't handle it well in the start. From a few of the comments you have made you sound overly-jealous... and like you really don't trust your husband. It's great that he was able to show you just how trustworthy (maybe) he is. It's already been pointed out before that he could easilly find some other way to contact her without your knowledge if he wishes to. 

May I suggest in the future when a girl from his past rears her ugly head, you just smile and let them talk. YOU are his wife after all, he chose to marry you even when someone was begging him not to, and that should make you feel really good about yourself and your relationship. 

Confidence is sexy, women who turn into shrieking harpies and spend half the night up crying every time an ex sends a facebook message, tweet or email are not. How do you think he feels when you show him time and time again you don't trust him? So what if these women are fishing? Believe in your man enough to know he's going to toss the bait back without biting. 

Side note - If your guy wants to cheat, not trusting him will hinder rather than help. It gives the excuse of "Well if I'm going to be treated like a cheater anyway why not?" If your guy wants to cheat, then he wasn't worth your time anyway and you need to care enough about yourself not to cling to someone who woud hurt or disrespect you that way. 

Focus on being a good partner and friend, do everything you can to make him happy (hopefully he puts you first too) and let the tramps and easy ones fall where they may. Trust and love make a strong wall than anything else out there.


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## damagedgoods1

Puddinpop4u said:


> ekygrl,
> I'm really glad that this all worked out well for you, but I have to point out that you really didn't handle it well in the start.


I'm going to have to side with ekygrl here. This ex threw herself at her husband the day before their wedding! This ex proved she cannot be trusted!
IMO a truly trustworthy husband would have declined the FB friend request and blocked her without all this drama with his wife.


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## Omego

I am so sorry to hear this. I feel for you. I agree that she is probably trying to cause trouble. 

Now, let's be pragmatic here and try to put emotions aside. Right now, she's getting what she wants: attention and drama. She is also succeeding in getting a reaction out of you. None of this is good.

I think you should try something else. Monitor everything she writes to your husband but make no comments to her directly. If she posts things to get your attention (ie. the cat -- infuriating), just ignore it. Try as hard as you can not to be snippy with your husband about it, but rather make comments in a non-emotional manner. For example, if she makes another comment about their past or something, you can say :"H, it really makes me sad to think about you being with someone else. I wish she had more tact... don't you think?" No reasonable man could possibly disagree with this statement.

Over time, as you make more of these comments, and as she digs herself deeper into ridicule, your H's impression of her will become negative, and hopefully, the whole thing will fizzle out.

I don't think you can back track and unfriend her and get your husband to do the same now. It's too late for that. Right now you need to concentrate on trying not to look insecure and worried, and take the high road. It is a very difficult thing to do, but it's the only way to deal with these kind of women....


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## Amplexor

This thread is so old, I don't even remember posting in it.


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## tom67

Amplexor said:


> Well your husband’s past in flat out lying or lying through omission is a problem to start with. If he finds lying is OK you will never really know what is going on in that relationship. How does he justify lying to you? Especially if it is to cover something up that he knows you would disapprove of. You said he might do these things because he likes the attention. What kind of attention do you think he seeks? Validation, ego strokes, power trip….. From your post you appear to be trying to provide him with a lot of attention.
> 
> As far as contacting her, what would that accomplish? She apparently doesn’t care that he is married and has no concerns for your feelings. It could result in angering your husband or her trying to use this action against you.


If this persists you may want to contact her husband though.


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## Omego

Amplexor said:


> This thread is so old, I don't even remember posting in it.


Ooops! I didn't even notice the date!


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