# The Aftermath



## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Hi All,

A forum Member has asked me to post again and i thank them for that.
If you read through my previous posts you can get an understanding of what i have been through since my marriage and now my Divorce,they say you move on and learn from and maybe forget about the past,but i will tell you all that i have a hard time living and learning and forgetting.
There isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about what had happened,i never received the closure as to why my marriage had failed,i never received the closure as to why the EX had done the things she has done to me,when i married her she was my best friend,my partner,my world revolved around her,yet at the blink of an eye it all came to a crashing end.
All the beliefs i had in a good relationship,marriage,life,etc,were thrown out like yesterdays garbage,do i have a question? i believe there is no questions,no answers,as i dont have a clue as to why this whole thing came about,only she knows the truth.
Sorry,for the length of this,but i hope people who read this can chime in,or maybe i can try to help the people that have this monkey on their back,maybe we all together can clear our minds and move forward.

Ed


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sometimes your closure is knowing that you are NEVER going to get closure.

You just have to accept that it is over, for whatever reason, and she chose not to live up to her "committment" or did not view committment as the same way you did. Also, nothing lasts forever.

Don't dwell in the past. Look to the future. She was one chapter of your life but there are many more so make them good.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I know you are hurting right now but I can honestly say that I feel a little silly that I gave away so much power over my emotions to someone who didn't love me. I wish I could get that time back but I cannot. It's almost like buying one day old lottery tickets over and over and expecting to hit the jackpot.


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Edsway:

Dude, move on. Two simple words could not be harder for some to achieve. 
I get the dependance you had, I understand completely having been through this. 
But I re-focused. 
I grew a pair.
I looked at life and said, "Hell yeah!" 
It's just too damn boring and ignorant to sit around with the "Why's, how's, could have, would have, should have....."
Get up off the ground, dust yourself off and get on the horse there fellah!
Jelly and Paradise are very right in their responses.

If you have learned somehting or found the truth in anything, it will be that you too can move on and put the past behind you. It's truly a valuable skill to have in this life, to move on, that's what people do who are successful. 

Cut your losses. Find your rythm. Groove-On. 
Life isn't as hard as it is simple. Problem being too many try to make it hard. 

Sorry brother. Now get on with your life and do the right thing, follow your heart, be yourself. Smile...it helps a lot!


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi Ed

the need for closure can be overwhelming, I was there at one time. My ex is not a communicator, he is not a bad man though, in fact he is a very good man.
I tried for months to almost force him to give me the closure I needed, to explain certain things but he just was not capable. He wasn't being mean, he simply cannot communicate and the more I pushed the worse it got.

In the end I wrote myself a letter that I worded as though it was from him. It was all the things I need to hear him say. Sure it was my interpretation of what he was thinking but that is OK. It was what I needed to hear in order to get the closure I desperately had to have in order to move forward.

It was the most cathartic thing I could have done, it helped me be whole again. Of course there was also grieving and self examination but all in all I am here today, very happy and very very emotionally healthy.

I hope this is of some use to you. If your ex cannot give you closure then do it yourself. Life is too short to be stuck going round and round.


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Holland said:


> Hi Ed
> 
> the need for closure can be overwhelming, I was there at one time. My ex is not a communicator, he is not a bad man though, in fact he is a very good man.
> I tried for months to almost force him to give me the closure I needed, to explain certain things but he just was not capable. He wasn't being mean, he simply cannot communicate and the more I pushed the worse it got.
> ...


Now that was a unique solution! Question: did your EX sign the letter? Did he read it?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

dumpedandhappy said:


> Now that was a unique solution! Question: did your EX sign the letter? Did he read it?


No he does not even know I wrote it, I did it for myself.

The thing is that it actually helped both of us, I got my closure, he got let off the hook. Not as bad as it may sound but I know him very well, I tried to force him to do something I knew he couldn't do. By writing the letter myself it enabled me to back off from hassling him which gave us both space to heal.

I honestly think before divorce people should have an exit interview. So much post separation angst could be helped by simply getting some closure.


----------



## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

Holland,I got to say that was an incredible idea,loved it.
Closure i think is the way we move on,all of you had some very good points,yes get up dust off move on,easier said than done i agree,but to a point yes i have done that,at a point early on i felt what could i do,what was done is done,i cant change the mind,i figured the EX was in the affair for at least 2 years before i even knew it,what i felt was they had fallen in love as myself and her did long ago,so if she found the grass was greener on the other side,then she can mow it,that i just need to concentrate on myself,to begin again but this time for me.


----------



## Edsway (Dec 27, 2011)

As you all can relate and understand,i still have that feeling inside that letting go without some sort idea as to what the EX was thinking at the time,what went through my mind and this is based purely on her actions at the time.
What i had to look at was her actions,the complete 180 she did,that is what peaked my curiosity,it seemed like at the time her personality changed like a switch,i have seen couples in my lifetime take a turn for the worst and it seemed like it was a gradual thing,my relationship seemed like it happened overnight,which through me for a loop.
I could run myself into the ground thinking the what if,the hows,the whys,and i agree its not healthy at all,but you cant help the feeling of wanting to know it all,its just the way i think.
Remember we go through this stage,to try and understand,to figure out why,were,how,when etc.
I too was told that i was a great man,a good man,that i would make a women happy someday,i heard this from the Horses mouth,i remember standing there,jaw to the ground thinking,"so WTF did i do to make you feel this way towards me",as we all see here today,i never got that answer.To me it was a slap in the face,cowards way out? i dont think so,I would have felt better if she told me i was a worthless POS good for nothing etc..i think i would have walked away angry but at least i would have known what she really thought about me...

Thanks to you all,and i really do enjoy coming on here and giving you my story :smthumbup:


----------

