# cheaters?



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you remember details and dates about the affair? And then when asked say I don't recall?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

lovemylife26 said:


> Do you remember details and dates about the affair? And then when asked say I don't recall?


Are you drilling my wife? Because this is still her line.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

lol no I'm just wondering or do you just forget the affair and the messages.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Mine is like most of life. Some details I remember others I don't. I'd say all in all you can expect someone to remember about the same level of detail and have about the same level of recall that they do with the rest of their lives. Regardless of what they'll admit to.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I still remember ever detail of my emotional affair turned PA (no sex..ever  ) from 2001. But I also remember my best friend's phone number from 3rd grade and what I was wearing on my first date. I don't forget much.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I remember every act, every talk, every thought. I don't remember exact dates, but I am awful with dates and days of the week because in my line of work, it doesn't matter.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I had my affairs in the fall of 2009 (there were two). I couldn't tell you the dates we met, although I could give rough approximations. To be honest, I'd have to look up their last names, if I was pressed for them. But my memory sucks in general.

But the "I don't remember" line is a pretty common defense, whether it's in the courtroom or the bedroom... Only your spouse knows whether they're being truthful to you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It's a good job I haven't cheated - I forget which room I'm sometimes :0


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> It's a good job I haven't cheated - I forget which room I'm sometimes :0


Could be you wanted to, but forgot to follow up


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I think some cheaters have "selective memory" when they're asked about the A - or the OP - but deep down, I'm willing to bet they have a lot of memories that never come to the surface when coming clean with their spouse.


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> Do you remember details and dates about the affair? And then when asked say I don't recall?


Too recent to forget, although I did truly go fuzzy on the exact date recently. But life has been in turmoil for a while, so I can hardly remember what month it is most of the time.

But now, I didn't say I don't recall. I gave a range, only because I seriously couldn't remember the exact date at the time. Now I can, but it hardly matters. If he wants the exact date, he can have it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband doesn't remember stuff that he's compartmentalized, as he did with his affair. Oh, he remembers the broad strokes, but specifics are forgotten. I think it's a useful tool for him. He can't feel guilty about what he can't remember. He's constantly surprised and saying things like "I never said that, did I?" and "Are you sure that happened?" when we talk about his affair. So, all the truly cruel and hurtful things he said and did during his affair he's just forgotten. It's as if they got filed under "affair" instead of "marriage", and apparently since he's no longer having his affair he can't access those files. He's really, really great at compartmentalizing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I remember details but dates.. nope. I'd like to forget everything though. Erase it from my mind completely. Erase it from ever happening.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Don't remember every detail but remember the 1st night together, things that happened that stood out, remember how the OW looked naked down to almost the exact detail. Even remember her tatoo, what it was and where it was at.

And that was 15 years ago. I don't relive it, but to say you can just forget..

It's called selective memory. Some do push it out to try and forget but most do it as a self defense to protect ourselves.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

jinba said:


> I think some cheaters have "selective memory" when they're asked about the A - or the OP - but deep down, I'm willing to bet they have a lot of memories that never come to the surface when coming clean with their spouse.


I don't believe in this "selective memory". You either remember all or nothing at all[if you had an accident and your brain is damaged. ]
I'm sure conscious people remember every single detail even when they wish it wasn't so.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> It's called selective memory. Some do push it out to try and forget but most do it as a self defense to protect ourselves.


It's called repression. It's a defense mechanism. Repression ensures that what is unacceptable to the conscious mind, and would if recalled arouse anxiety, is prevented from entering into it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't believe in this "selective memory". You either remember all or nothing at all


Disagree. One can't remember "every single thing" that happens in life.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> It's called repression. It's a defense mechanism. Repression ensures that what is unacceptable to the conscious mind, and would if recalled arouse anxiety, is prevented from entering into it.


It's also called lying in order to avoid talking about uncomfortable and scary (read --incriminating) subject matter.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

While repression is real, memory loss of any kind does not happen in real life as commonly as in soap operas.

The mere fact that probably 70% of WS in the stories here cite memory loss should tip that it's just a convenient lie.


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## missinglife (May 1, 2012)

snap said:


> While repression is real, memory loss of any kind does not happen in real life as commonly as in soap operas.
> 
> The mere fact that probably 70% of WS in the stories here cite memory loss should tip that it's just a convenient lie.


In the heat of the moment, when asked, I truly couldn't remember the exact day. But I have three kids and hardly remember what day of the week it is most of the time.

But afterwards, I traced it back and then I could remember.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

snap said:


> The mere fact that probably 70% of WS in the stories here cite memory loss should tip that it's just a convenient lie.


Memory loss is one thing.

Remembering every single second of every single moment of things that have happened in your life is quite another.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It took my fWW a day and a half to count the OM's. 

Whan your drunk off your @ss its hard to remember any thing much less dates, but she can recall time frames.

Basicly, she refers to months and weeks, not so much exact dates, I use the call log and cell phone bill for the specifics.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Disagree. One can't remember "every single thing" that happens in life.


Disagree.
Cheating is not just another ordinary thing you do in life. It's not like a daily habit of yours. It's not like brushing your teeth after eating and it's not just a usual stuff you do on daily basis.
Therefore, once it happens and you are conscious about it, I guess you can perfectly remember most of the details [if not all].
But to say "selective memory" sounds more like you remember what you want to remember and this is evilish. 
Cheaters can't get away with this.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Memory loss is one thing.
> 
> Remembering every single second of every single moment of things that have happened in your life is quite another.


No, I didn't mean that.

But I'd still expect an average person to remember things like were there four or seven dates, did they meet in the summer, did they use protection etc.

Especially men. Men have great abilities to memorize sexual events.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Memory loss is one thing.
> 
> Remembering every single second of every single moment of things that have happened in your life is quite another.


Cheating is not "every single moment in your *LIFE*", unless your whole life is about cheating.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I didn't say say "cheating" is "every single moment in your LIFE." 

What I said was *memory loss * isn't the same as being able to remember every single moment in your life.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I didn't say say "cheating" is "every single moment in your LIFE."
> 
> What I said was *memory loss * isn't the same as being able to remember every single moment in your life.


Memory loss has got nothing to do with "not being able to remember every single details of cheating" that's why it should not be used as an excuse. 
And there is no such thing as "selective memory" which sounds like it's equal to *memory loss*.
That's why these two terms should be out of a cheater's vocabulary because nobody can buy it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Disagree.
> Cheating is not just another ordinary thing you do in life. It's not like a daily habit of yours. .


And nowhere in my post did I say it was. 



lovelygirl said:


> But to say "selective memory" sounds more like you remember what you want to remember and this is evilish.


And nowhere in my posts did I use the words "selective memory." It was you who first brought up that term in this thread.

Sorry if you feel my post was "evilish." I'd not call any of yours that. 



lovelygirl said:


> Memory loss has got nothing to do with "not being able to remember every single details of cheating" that's why it should not be used as an excuse.


It's not an "excuse." And again, nowhere in my post did I say that. Do not put words in my mouth (or rather, screen).

A lot of times people post questions and others don't like the responses given. 

It's nothing new.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

jinba said:


> I think some cheaters have "selective memory" when they're asked about the A - or the OP - but deep down, I'm willing to bet they have a lot of memories that never come to the surface when coming clean with their spouse.


I agree with that.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

missinglife said:


> Too recent to forget, although I did truly go fuzzy on the exact date recently. But life has been in turmoil for a while, so I can hardly remember what month it is most of the time.
> 
> But now, I didn't say I don't recall. I gave a range, only because I seriously couldn't remember the exact date at the time. Now I can, but it hardly matters. If he wants the exact date, he can have it.


Its only been 2 mths and he says I don't recall anything I ask him, no feelings for ow or has no thoughts of her, this I think he is fibbing.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> And nowhere in my post did I say it was.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I didn't mean to say your post was evilish. I was replying to jinba about "selective memory" and you quoted my post saying you can't remember everything in life. Then I said r_emembering everything in life _is not related to _selective memory_.

But whatever. It's not worth going on with useless back and forth reply.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Cheating is not "every single moment in your *LIFE*", unless your whole life is about cheating.


While you're cheating your whole life is about cheating, plus even short affairs last for many weeks. Life sets in and details fade - sorry every single detail of an affair is not seared into your brain - it's just not. Like I said - I remember about as much of mine as I would anything else in life. Having said that I do remember most of the key dates and there are lots of "moments" - most of them bad - that are crystal clear to me. But remembering every word said or every nuance - nope - don't remember them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovemylife26 said:


> Its only been 2 mths and he says I don't recall anything I ask him, no feelings for ow or has no thoughts of her, this I think he is fibbing.


If he says he doesn't recall "anything" then that is bullsh*t. He remembers. He may not remember every single second and moment, but he remembers certain things, which is what I was explaining above.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Life sets in and details fade - sorry every single detail of an affair is not seared into your brain - it's just not. Like I said - I remember about as much of mine as I would anything else in life. But remembering every word said or every nuance - nope - don't remember them.


You don't say?! ::sarcasm::


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Alyosha said:


> It's also called lying in order to avoid talking about uncomfortable and scary (read --incriminating) subject matter.


Yup.

Some of it _could be _straight face lies, some _could be _repression, some _could be _suppression, some _could be_ that they were "high" at the time, some_ could be _that day to day memories arent filed in detail, or that days and events fade together... _could be _lots of things.... and lots of combinations of things...

Point is... you don't know, you can't know and more than likely you will never find out the truth. Maybe they are telling the truth about _that_?, but your trust is so far eroded and you've likely been fed so much bullsh*t that you can't believe them anyway...

Pick your battles. What they do or don't remember is a battle that can't be won. IMO.


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