# separating...



## DEdwardL (Dec 29, 2011)

I posted long ago about my story. I was really hurting when I did and the response I got drove me off for a great while. I have revisited that thread a lot over the last several months. It was just me getting it off my chest because I didn't have many folks around to share it with. I know the situation was less than perfect and if I had it to do again it would go much differently. It is what it is. 

Small summary: Together 28 married 21, two boys 17 & 15, wife had EA. We went to MC and IC and at the beginning she said that part of her wanted to work things out so I thought there was some hope. It turns out I put all the effort into making things better and I do believe that she had already come to a decision and just didn't want to deal with the consequences of that decision.

It has come to the point where we have decided to separate. I am still in the house, but will start looking at apartments in August. It has taken me several months, but I am starting to come to terms with where this is going. Those feelings are still with me, it just seems that I can control them more lately if that makes any sense. I have a buddy at work that is also going through this and we have been talking, which has helped me a lot, too.

I guess I have just come to the point where I have distanced myself from her as much as possible. The indifference that I was getting from her before I decided to distance myself was very frustrating for me. We have been together since 10th grade and she has pretty much been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. We went through elementary school,jr/sr high school, and college together. She has been a large part of my life and that void that will be there when she is gone will be difficult.

DeL


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it will be difficult. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Distancing yourself is the best thing you can do. What kinds of things have you started to do for yourself? This is so important now.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

I'm glad you've found somebody at work to talk with and that you've also decided to revisit here.

Can't imagine the sort of ties you must have with somebody that you've known since childhood.

Time and distance are your friends. Be well.


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## imglo (Jul 12, 2012)

I too married my high school sweetheart, I do not have a memory that does not include him. We had three children. The first year after leaving him was the most difficult. Every holiday, tradition, or family vacation was and still is emotionally hurtful. I went back and forth with him many times because we were so attached.The pain never goes away, it just gets bearable. I had to be the one to break the bond, which was hard. I am two years out of this relationship, I find myself being strong for the kids. The show must go on...I feel lucky to be out of the drama with my ex, so I can put my kids first again. We spent about 8 years fighting for normal until I decided the kids need their lives back. Once you have kids its not fair to have all that drama. I resent my ex for robbing my kids of a happy childhood. His affair was selfish and I still don't get it!


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## DEdwardL (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Yes it will be difficult. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
> 
> Distancing yourself is the best thing you can do. What kinds of things have you started to do for yourself? This is so important now.


-----------------------------------------------------

*I have started exercising and have lost 37 pounds in about 2 months. I play competitive softball and have really upped the amount of games I have played this summer. I think I am at 62 games so far...lol. It is a good distraction. 

I have also been doing quite a lot with the boys.

I also just recently went to a concert with a buddy from work.

This Saturday the boys and I are going on a week long vacation to visit my parents. I think it will be very nice to get away from the house for a week and not have to deal with the situation for a bit. I am even going to take the dog...lol.

Thanks for your reply.*


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## DEdwardL (Dec 29, 2011)

Orpheus said:


> I'm glad you've found somebody at work to talk with and that you've also decided to revisit here.
> 
> Can't imagine the sort of ties you must have with somebody that you've known since childhood.
> 
> Time and distance are your friends. Be well.


You are definitely correct about all the ties. We are pretty much intefrated right into each other's families. Heck, I grew up with her little brother being around all the time. 

Pretty much everybody we know we have met together. And when I start to think of all the stuff we have accumulated as a couple and what that means to us... definitely a long road ahead.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My husband moved out 2 wks ago and I am in the process of filing legal separation (we're in CA). These past 2 wks have been the most peaceful, happy time for me I've had in about 5 yrs. I do not want him back at all.

I'm just worried about money. I have been looking for a job for a while and so far nothing....


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## DEdwardL (Dec 29, 2011)

imglo said:


> I too married my high school sweetheart, I do not have a memory that does not include him. We had three children. The first year after leaving him was the most difficult. Every holiday, tradition, or family vacation was and still is emotionally hurtful. I went back and forth with him many times because we were so attached.The pain never goes away, it just gets bearable. I had to be the one to break the bond, which was hard. I am two years out of this relationship, I find myself being strong for the kids. The show must go on...I feel lucky to be out of the drama with my ex, so I can put my kids first again. We spent about 8 years fighting for normal until I decided the kids need their lives back. Once you have kids its not fair to have all that drama. I resent my ex for robbing my kids of a happy childhood. His affair was selfish and I still don't get it!


I know what you mean about memories that don't include your spouse. I have some without the wife, but I have to go WAY back. 28 of my 44 years have been with her and I have known her for 39 of my 44 years. So yeah, she is in most all of my memories.

I am not looking forward to holidays. 

My wife is the one who does not want to work on things. Things are pretty much civil between us. It is just the waiting and the indifference that sucks. Most of the drama seems to have already played out with us. We are just existing together until the split. I am assuming that when the actual move out date arrives emotions will ramp back up for me.

I am sure that you will never fully understand the actions of your ex. I know that I am having trouble in that area as well.


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## DEdwardL (Dec 29, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> My husband moved out 2 wks ago and I am in the process of filing legal separation (we're in CA). These past 2 wks have been the most peaceful, happy time for me I've had in about 5 yrs. I do not want him back at all.
> 
> I'm just worried about money. I have been looking for a job for a while and so far nothing....


Sorry to hear about your situation, although it appears that it is the best for you. I am glad that you finally found peace. I am hoping that when I am out on my own that I will be able to see the positives in the arrangement. The boys will be with me every other week.

The money thing is a worry for us, as well. We decided that we would try to keep the house until the boys both graduate from HS. We just refinanced our house and got $300 knocked off the mortgage and our van is paid off in Aug so we are decently set for what is to come, but we will see when it actually happens I guess. I am crossing my fingers for you in hopes that you find a job soon. I know that it must be difficult


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

DEdwardL said:


> -----------------------------------------------------
> 
> *I have started exercising and have lost 37 pounds in about 2 months. I play competitive softball and have really upped the amount of games I have played this summer. I think I am at 62 games so far...lol. It is a good distraction.
> 
> ...


You sound like you are doing everything you can to move on. You are going to have those days when you are going to feel really down about it all. Just keep up the good work and look forward to your new life.
Good luck
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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