# so tired of the MIL



## whydidigetmarried (Sep 28, 2010)

If there are any wiser ladies out there, please give me some advice - I need your help.

I've been married for just a couple of years now and I am to my wit's end with my mother in law problems. Let me start out by saying that I have never had issues with anyone before I got married. My MIL lives with my husband and I. She is a widow and so at this point she is living with us. As newlyweds, we have not yet had the chance to live alone and we haven't been able to create a home environment of our own. 

I will give you a little background so that you can understand where I am coming from. She has already had issues with my husband's brother's wife, who refused to live with her any longer and now they live on their own. Their issues rooted from my MIL basically making my sis in law feel worthless as a wife by basically taking her power as the wife and making any decisions about their life with my brother in law. After they had a child, she then became possessive over the child and often times would push my sis in law out of the situation. Ex. when the child fell and hit his head, she grabbed the baby from my sis in law as if she didn't know how to take care of the baby. She constantly put down and berated my sis in law and even cursed at her and said the most awful things that you could say to someone. I didn't grow up hearing this kind of talk and it's horrifying. She constantly criticized her and put down her parenting skills. She would dress the baby for anything they attended, she would hold the baby anytime they would be out in public or even go as far as taking the baby from my sis in law. I witnessed all of this and more that I cannot include and I became very turned off by the behaviour. 

Now she lives with us and I feel like she is set on keeping herself as the "woman" of the house. She is home all the time and while I am at work, she does everything to destroy how I leave the house. She cooks almost all the time so that I don't have an opportunity to do so. I have tried to make my husband's house my own over the past few years, but she continues to "rule" over it. What can I do? My mother taught me to be neat and organized by example and so I keep the kitchen and living areas very clean and have organized every part of the house that I can get my hands on. Even before we got married, whenever I would go over to visit my husband, I would find stacks of a few day old dishes. I grew up with my mother being very clean and neat and I cannot stand this! I literally clean every single day and have even talked to her about how I like to keep the house clean. My husband and I are not home during the day due to work and by the time I get home, the kitchen looks like someone took everything they could find and scattered it everywhere. She will cook and leave everything she used around the kitchen. Who is she leaving this for? I refuse to clean up the mess she creates after I leave the house spotless. This has been the past 1 year of my life as the first year of marriage I tried not to be to forceful on how the house is. I've gotten tired of not being able to create a household norm for me and my husband. 

I have even sat down and had a conversation with her to explain that I like the house and kitchen clean, but she still does not keep it clean. What can I do?? She has confronted me on not cleaning her dishes and in front of my husband she played the pity card. Then she proceeded to verbally bully me when my husband didn't say anything. She is so manipulative and obviously has had years of experience in twisting words - I've seen her do this with my sister in law. She is so fake towards everyone on the outside so that they feel that she is such a good person. 

Tonight she slammed a drawer full of spoons saying there were not serving spoons and targetted me saying "where are they"? She targetted me inferring that I had done something with them. (Apparently my husband had taken 2 of them to give to someone who moved into a new apartment??) She said something to the effect that she's been sufferring through this the past 2 years. Through what??? I asked my husband as she threw this temper tantrum if I had done something to her and why she was acting this way. 

I am so tired of the dramatics and I just want to live a peaceful life with my husband, create an environment where I can raise our children, but I cannot do this wiith my MIL doing the opposite of everything I do. Obviously these were the few issues fresh on my mind, but there is so much going on that I am just exhausted. 

Sometimes I think that I am just going to get my things and leave and let my husband choose who he wants to live with.

Someone wiser please give me some advice.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I assume you've discussed wanting your MIL to live elsewhere with your husband. What is his position on this? If he flat out refuses to discuss her leaving, maybe you could ask your BIL and SIL to talk with him about how having her living with them affected their lives.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

breeze said:


> I assume you've discussed wanting your MIL to live elsewhere with your husband. What is his position on this? If he flat out refuses to discuss her leaving, maybe you could ask your BIL and SIL to talk with him about how having her living with them affected their lives.


:iagree: 100% They obviously had her leave for a reason and your husband does not seem to see it?! Would love to know if you have talked with him and what he has said about this...


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## cheetahcub (Aug 18, 2010)

Find a nice comfy apartment not close but not too far, show it to your hb,BIL and SIL and make plans how you guys can both pay for her to stay there....the other thing is to lookup on singles ads and find her a mate...they still fall in love at that age, and your problems are solved.


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## southernbelle (Sep 27, 2010)

wow you have been much more patient than I can imagine most people would have been. Is there a reason that MIL doesn't live on her own? I understand her being a widow but why does that constitute living with her children? Is it a financial thing? 
And what IS your husbands stand on all this?
I'm so sorry I don't really have advice...we did live with my mil for a short time after we were first married but it was her house so there was question on where I stood in the equation.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Ok she has raised two "momma's boys", both your H and your bil are afraid to stand up to their own mother and let her know she is wrong. YOU need to tell your H to get back his cojones and set some ground rules with your mil. If that does not work I would be looking into to some nice retirement homes, show them to your husband and begin making arranagements with hopefully some assurance that your husband will support you.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Why can't she live by herself? She HAS to go. If you want to stay married she has to move out. She will ruin your marriage. She will make you crazy, and kill the intimacy you have with your husband.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

A lot of this depends on where your husband stands on this behavior. Are you two on the same page about all of this?

Another factor is your MIL's age and health. Is she still young enough to be on her own and work, part time even?

I was in a similiar situation. I don't know how wise I am, lol, but maybe this will be helpful a little? My FIL passed away shortly after we got married. They had been married for 25 years, and she was having a really rough time dealing with it. She decided to move to our state and live with us temporarily until she got her own place. We were fine with that, wanted to help her, and welcomed her.

That's when the problems started. I had been very close with her up to this point. I knew what a hard time she was having. The problem was that she was looking for something to fill the hole that was left in her live when she lost her husband. She decided that my husband and I were the end all solution. She didn't want us to have any friends. All of our attention and our entire social lives were to be focused on her. She tried to take over my house, and my children. 

Thank goodness, my husband was on the same page as me. He told her she was welcome here, but this was our home and she was to respect that. He also knew how manipulative she was and caught things she was doing before I even did. She eventually found her own place, and we helped her with bills, etc... 

The bottem line to all this blabbering of mine is, she couldn't fill the void in her life by taking over our lives. It wasn't good for her, it wasn't good for us. She had to find her place in this world, in this new stage of her life. If she is able to be on her own, she should be. She needs friends of her own, and a life of her own.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, talk to your H, before Mommy Dearest, whom you have told us can twist words and make everyone think she's a saint, turns your H against you. Tell him about the strain she's putting on you through, draft SIL and BIL as allies to tell him what happened with them, and talk about arranging for her to live on her own. If she goes to a retirement place, she will have people there of her age range to talk to, and you know how the gossip in a retirement home goes! She'll be too busy getting in on everyone else's soap operas to bother with you! NYUK,NYUK,NYUK!!!


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

She HAS to go. Honestly, I'm amazed that you put up with her this long. There is a reason people say that in-law problems = marriage problems. And if you don't do something about this, it will only get worse. You saw what happened with BIL and his wife, did you think you would be different? Honestly, the fact that BIL and SIL put up with such awful treatment and then you and H decided to take her in, says that there is a bit of dysfunction here. MIL has lack of boundaries and respect for others at least.

You deserve the chance to be the wife to your husband and live how you see fit without his overbearing mother running the show. What is your husbands position on all this? It's very important that he puts your marriage before his mommy. Some momma's boys will always have their mother on a pedestal regardless of the needs of their new family. If that's the case you are in for a long, painful life of battling with you MIL. You'll need to decide if it's worth it.


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## whydidigetmarried (Sep 28, 2010)

Bluemoon7 said:


> She HAS to go. Honestly, I'm amazed that you put up with her this long. There is a reason people say that in-law problems = marriage problems. And if you don't do something about this, it will only get worse. You saw what happened with BIL and his wife, did you think you would be different? Honestly, the fact that BIL and SIL put up with such awful treatment and then you and H decided to take her in, says that there is a bit of dysfunction here. MIL has lack of boundaries and respect for others at least.
> 
> You deserve the chance to be the wife to your husband and live how you see fit without his overbearing mother running the show. What is your husbands position on all this? It's very important that he puts your marriage before his mommy. Some momma's boys will always have their mother on a pedestal regardless of the needs of their new family. If that's the case you are in for a long, painful life of battling with you MIL. You'll need to decide if it's worth it.


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## whydidigetmarried (Sep 28, 2010)

Unfortunately for me our culture is that asking a widowed MIL to live on her own is seen as unacceptable. Many of you has asked my husband's stance on this. He definitely does not tell her when she is wrong and won't stick up for me in front of her...a couple of times he even agreed with her that I was in the wrong. He has always said that his mother is going to live wih us. He and BIL saw firsthand the treatment she gave to SIL but she was very good at manipulating the situation to make it look like my SIL was crazy. How does this happen?? She almost drove my SIL to mental breakdown and almost to leave. MIL told her that she can leave buttheir child is staying. 

I cannot get my H on the same page with me on this just like BIL wasn't with SIL. He says she is old. To me that's not an explanation for behaviour. How can I get him on my side?? We plan on starting a family very soon and I do not want this to continue or have a repeat of what happened with SIL. If I say something to her even if I am riht I end up looking like I am in the wrong.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whydidigetmarried said:


> He has always said that his mother is going to live wih us.


 So, honestly, you can't complain.

Well, you can, but you knew what you were getting and signed on for it.

That said, the issue is not your MIL.

The issue is your HUSBAND.

And your lack of boundaries.

A boundary is what you are willing to accept in your life; and your stated position of what you will do if something else happens.

You either live with and accept this situation, or you tell your husband that you will NOT stay with him the way things currently are.

That second choice has two options: he learns how to protect his wife, or you leave.

He will not change until YOU do. He has no reason to - his wife accepts him, his mom gets what she wants, and no one rags on him.


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## whydidigetmarried (Sep 28, 2010)

I agree that there are definitely boundaries that need to be established here and part of that is through my husband. Although I knew that MIL would live with us...or BIL....she was never like this before I got married and she was living with me. We used to go shopping and I actually thought she was very nice, but I had no idea what was going on with my SIL at that time. I have learned after living with her that she fakes it on the outside but inside the home she is very different and her words and attitude are awful. Everyone thinks she is this wonderful person that could do no wrong.



I appreciate everyone's advice on this. Please continue with the advice if you have more to share. I will be talking to my husband (although I have done this before) about boundaries and that he needs to be on my side. I just dot know how to convince him on seeing my side. I do not accept this kind of behaviour but maybe continuing to allow this to happen communicates that I accept it.
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## whydidigetmarried (Sep 28, 2010)

Thank you especially to the last responder who laid it out very clearly what my choices and the options are.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

whydidigetmarried said:


> I agree that there are definitely boundaries that need to be established here and part of that is through my husband. Although I knew that MIL would live with us...or BIL....she was never like this before I got married and she was living with me. We used to go shopping and I actually thought she was very nice, but I had no idea what was going on with my SIL at that time. I have learned after living with her that she fakes it on the outside but inside the home she is very different and her words and attitude are awful. Everyone thinks she is this wonderful person that could do no wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think you need to learn more about what a boundary is. It is NOT you telling your husband what he needs to do, and then waiting for him to do it.

It is you telling your husband what YOU will or won't live with.

Period.

If you're not willing to walk away from your marriage over this, your MIL is NOT one of your boundaries. It's just a gripe, one you'll be stuck with for as long as she lives (and probably longer, seeing that your husband is a momma's boy).

If you ARE willing to walk away from your marriage over her, then her treatment of you IS a boundary - a situation over which you will leave if it's not resolved.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm sorry, I don't need to be rude, but what's more important, sticking to cultural norms or a life of sanity? I may sound harsh, but I've been dealing with in-law issues for too many years and I know the hurt that goes along with it. I can honestly say that the only thing I regret is not realizing the dysfunction of the situation and drawing the line sooner. 

There is one major difference in my situation though that changes it entirely. My H saw the manipulation and unacceptable treatment of his mother toward me and supports me. Don't get me wrong, she is subtle and vindictive, but he trusts and believes in me and when I told him the things she did, he didn't doubt me for a second.

It sounds like you expect some sort of magical solution here, where you can just talk to MIL and suddenly everything will be good at home. But that's not likely. In-law problems don't go away that easy. Right now MIL is the queen, living how she wants, and you upsetting that is going to bring out a fight. So be prepared. 

Turnera did an excellent job of spelling out your options. I think counseling should be your first stop so that you can learn boundaries and what you will and will not put up with. Your H should also attend so that he can hear from someone besides you that being a momma's boy and not putting his wife first is only going to hurt his marriage. You see, when you get married you create a new family and that needs to be the priority. The bible, therapists and most people tend to agree with this. Bringing children into this situation will only add to your problems. Do you really want to be treated like your SIL? 

So, what are you going to do, continue living like this until the MIL dies or put on your big girl panties and stand up for yourself?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

WDIGM, the culture that you describe sounds Asian. You sound like you can write a Korean drama. I say this because my wife is Korean, and her family, and I, had an issue with this. Her sister married a man that I thought was okay when I met him while over there, but then I found out later that he was an incurable mama's boy. The wife and I sent a boxload of treats to their kids, and the bas***d took it all and gave it to his mother! Needless to say, I wanted to bash his conniving face in. Never got the chance, her sister stood up for herself, saw that he would never change and dumped him.
You must have a man who will be on your side, and I'm not totally blaming your H, ten to one, he simply cannot see how MIL is with you when he's not around. Put a "nanny cam" in the kitchen, and show him how she acts towards you. Then tell him how it upsets you, and start coming up with solutions together. And find out how your SIL and BIL unloaded your MIL-take some tips from them!


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## tnyn01 (Feb 24, 2009)

Where is your husband in all this? Has he addressed his mother about this? I'm assuming that you've talked to your husband about how this bothers you. What has he done to fix it? I ask because I imagine your husband feels like he's caught in the middle. He loves you, but he loves his mother too. He has to understand that his responsibility is to you first. The same reasons she ended up being removed from your sis in law's home will be the same reason she leaves yours. I would begin looking for an alternative living situation for the MIL. A retirement home might be a good fit. Your young marriage will not be able to flourish with this major distraction going on. Another thing to remember, I'd bet a lot of this behavior your MIL is displaying is from the loss of her husband. My gut feeling is she has yet to get over it and is clinging to her sons in an attempt to cope. If your husband doesn't stand up to her, you've got a long road ahead. Talk to your husband. Don't make any threats, just explain that this is hurting you and see what you can come up with together to peacefully resolve this issue. God bless and good luck.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

I laughed when I read your post, not because it was funny, but because of what I call the "Marie Barone Syndrom". Anyone who has ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond will know what I'm talking about.

If your husband was my friend, I'd go out and buy a pair of synthetic rubber testicles and hand them to him and give him his balls back. 

It is not your job to stand up to your MIL. Ultimately your husband will have to nip this in the bud. If he won't, it really doesn't bode well. Remember, this is YOUR house. If he insists on being passive, you don't have to be there.


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## whydidigetmarried (Sep 28, 2010)

Boogsie said:


> I laughed when I read your post, not because it was funny, but because of what I call the "Marie Barone Syndrom". Anyone who has ever watched Everybody Loves Raymond will know what I'm talking about.
> 
> If your husband was my friend, I'd go out and buy a pair of synthetic rubber testicles and hand them to him and give him his balls back.
> 
> It is not your job to stand up to your MIL. Ultimately your husband will have to nip this in the bud. If he won't, it really doesn't bode well. Remember, this is YOUR house. If he insists on being passive, you don't have to be there.


Since my posts there have been two more blow up arguments. My family came over and tried to help solve the problem. MIL showed her true colors this time in front of them and proceeded to verbally attack and say all sorts of wrong things. My husband did not stand up for me at all. In fact he started attacking me as well even bringing up private complaints I had to him. He said so much against me she was silent for a while because she realized he was doing enough for her that she could stop for a while. He said nothing when she verbally attacked me in front of my family and nothing when she even started saying bad things to them. I have left the house and am staying with my parents now. I told him I do not want to stay in that house anymore. I don't know what to do!! I feel physically ill remembering all the things he said and how he did not stick up for me. One thing that I am happy about is that now someone has witnessed this behaviour from the MIL. I will not live in that house again...I think my husband has to choose what he wants to do. Even if he leaves the house with me what if he resents me and then we have more issues? How long should I stay away from him before letting him decide what he wants to do? What should be my requirements of him? I'm so hurt, feel so betrayed and confused and ill and don't know what to do.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry. Sometimes men truly can't leave their mothers; you may have such a man; if so, you ARE better off without him. It hurts, but you deserve a man who chooses YOU, not his mom - they ARE out there.

Secondly, by leaving, you have put the ball in his court - he can either finally stand up to her, to get his wife back, or he can choose her, which will free you to find a better husband.

Timewise: "Husband, you have until October 31 to decide if you are going to choose me or your mother. On November 1st, I will file for divorce if you are not willing to move with me to a new home."

Requirements: "In addition, you have hurt me to the core with your complaints of me, which you spoke IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS. I will never forgive you for that shame, but I WILL allow you to attend counseling with me to find out how you can be so hurtful to the woman you supposedly love. If you are not willing to commit to this, we are getting divorced, because I deserve better than this treatment."


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Good for you for standing up for yourself! Although, I am sorry that things did not go so well and that your H embarrassed and IMO, betrayed you. 

I agree with Turnera as far as the time limit and the requirements you will have of him in order to continue in this marriage. Counseling is very important because he really needs to understand why his momma's boy behavior is dangerous to his marriage. Separate living arrangements and other boundaries should be established. 

If he insists on continuing as a momma's boy, then you will be better off without him. You deserve to be in a marriage where you are a priority and to live in a home that you are comfortable in.


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