# Sexually Frustrated



## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

My husband and I are always fighting over the lack.of sex in our marriage. This past weekend, he left for a boys weekend. It's something they do every year. It's a big camping fundraiser filled with drinking and naked woman. It's been about 6 weeks since we had sex and he left for the weekend without sex. Tells me while there, he understands its a problem, we will work on it and he will take care of me properly when he gets home. Well, that didnt happen. He claims he hasn't slept in 2 days and how dare I throw not having sex in.his face. Is this normal? I feel like its something about me that doesnt turn him on or sex just doesn't feel good for him. I loose sleep and cry about it. He insists its not me just sometimes he needs to be nodged. I can count on one hand the amount of times, I received oral sex from him. I never have an issue providing oral. After a while, I would like to feel sexually desired by my husband. It really plays tricks on your mind.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Far more knowledgeable people then me will be posting. But first, why are you providing Oral sex when you are not even close to having your needs met? I would shut that down immediately. Just sayin


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Believe me, I drastically stop providing oral. I also stop initiating sex cause we are so sexually mix matched


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tiffy726 said:


> It's something they do every year. It's a big camping fundraiser filled with drinking and naked woman. It's been about 6 weeks since we had sex and he left for the weekend without sex.


It's hard to know why he doesn't have a desire to have sex with you. In regard to the fundraiser, are you ok with your husband spending a weekend alone at an event "filled with drinking and naked women"? Because I'm married, I wouldn't even consider going to such an event.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Well, thats been a issue but I have to learn to live with it cause he is doing it regardless. Also, half the guys he went with, ended with meeting up with girls they met there. Mind you, these men are married too.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> Well, thats been a issue but I have to learn to live with it cause he is doing it regardless. Also, half the guys he went with, ended with meeting up with girls they met there. Mind you, these men are married too.


Yeah...no! Your H is very disrespectful of you....never mind the lack of sex. Willing to bet your H watches porn and self-satisfy himself.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Tiffy726 said:


> Well, thats been a issue but I have to learn to live with it cause he is doing it regardless. Also, half the guys he went with, ended with meeting up with girls they met there. Mind you, these men are married too.


Ok your husband is just wrong. He doesn't respect you or your marriage. There are tons of men out there looking for a woman just like YOU...don't be somebody's afterthought.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Exactly, Im sure he does. I bet he does actually. I see **** on his phone that him and his buddies exchange. So he likes all that porn stuff but not sex with his wife. I'm so fed up. Although, I will be the craxy one for standing up for my feelings.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Somehow, he flips it on me. I mean asking to make love twice a week is a lot to ask? Im sooooo hurt. I fanastize about having sex with men and how they would satisfy my needs although I would never. I know, I say this now....


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Tiffy726 said:


> My husband and I are always fighting over the lack.of sex in our marriage. This past weekend, he left for a boys weekend. It's something they do every year. It's a big camping fundraiser filled with drinking and naked woman. It's been about 6 weeks since we had sex and he left for the weekend without sex. Tells me while there, he understands its a problem, we will work on it and he will take care of me properly when he gets home. Well, that didnt happen. He claims he hasn't slept in 2 days and how dare I throw not having sex in.his face. Is this normal? I feel like its something about me that doesnt turn him on or sex just doesn't feel good for him. I loose sleep and cry about it. He insists its not me just sometimes he needs to be nodged. I can count on one hand the amount of times, I received oral sex from him. I never have an issue providing oral. After a while, I would like to feel sexually desired by my husband. It really plays tricks on your mind.


I do not know many details but how long has this been a problem and have you ever done a reset? What i mean by this is have you ever taken a step back and thought about not being 'right' or 'winning' the argument and just let is settle and tried to carry on and just be happy together. 

I am not attacking you, this is simply a question, myself and any others I have seen are guilty of this, we have an argument which escalates and then both want to be prove the other is wrong so continue arguing over something which probably wasn't that important to begin with.

For me and I am sure other men also Sex does have a mental aspect to it so arguing with my partner does not make me want to have sex with her, argument continues and sexual desire for them decrease, one bad night, a lost erection, premature ejaculation can also make anxious about sex and want to avoid it, stress in general can also cause this.

Your situation may not meet any of the criteria above as I do not know but wanted to throw a different perspective just in case.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I'm glad you mentioned that. I gave in just today when i said how hurt I was we didnt have sex again and he attacked me saying how dare I mention this, he hasn't slept in a few days and made me feel selfish. I said ok sorry I mentioned it, I don't want to fight. But cried myself to sleep last night


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> Well, thats been a issue but I have to learn to live with it cause he is doing it regardless. Also, half the guys he went with, ended with meeting up with girls they met there. Mind you, these men are married too.


I'm all for couples spending time apart -- they need to do that to grow as individuals. BUT if my partner went away for a boy's weekend that was filled with naked women, I'd have a problem with that. I trust him, and am 110% sure he's happy with what he has, and he wouldn't cheat, but I'd still have an issue with it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> Somehow, he flips it on me. I mean asking to make love twice a week is a lot to ask? Im sooooo hurt. I fanastize about having sex with men and how they would satisfy my needs although I would never. I know, I say this now....


 @Tiffy726, my STBXH also did this. During the first part of our marriage, he just wouldn't have sex with me. It felt like to him, everything else was more important than connecting that way with me. I brought it up to him a handful of times, and it was always flipped back to me. The last time I brought it up, he said that he didn't even want to come home from work anymore because he was scared I was going to bring up sex. This is also a man who was a virgin until 41. I mistakenly thought he would want to do it with as much vigour as the Energizer Bunny, but was very wrong. No one deserves to go through that, and I might suggest that your H is either getting it from elsewhere, or maybe he's gay?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> Exactly, Im sure he does. I bet he does actually. I see **** on his phone that him and his buddies exchange. So he likes all that porn stuff but not sex with his wife. I'm so fed up. Although, I will be the craxy one for standing up for my feelings.


I have no doubt your H is pulling the pud. His sexual gratification is from porn usage. 

Never suppress your feelings and thought with your H. Let him know because one day you will have him served D papers and there should be no surprise as you have talked to your H about your needs, desires, wants that have been ignored.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> I'm glad you mentioned that. I gave in just today when i said how hurt I was we didnt have sex again and he attacked me saying how dare I mention this, he hasn't slept in a few days and made me feel selfish. I said ok sorry I mentioned it, I don't want to fight. But cried myself to sleep last night


I recommend two things, talk to your H and advise him of your needs, what you expect in a marriage and what you would like your H to do. The first being marriage counseling. The second, talk about any and all porn your H is watching. Third, guys weekends with naked women...ask you H how he would feel if you went on a girls weekend with guys that are naked. Some of the women(married) that attended did the act with these naked men. I bet your H would not be agreeable to you going.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Tiffy726 said:


> Somehow, he flips it on me. I mean asking to make love twice a week is a lot to ask? Im sooooo hurt. I fanastize about having sex with men and how they would satisfy my needs although I would never. I know, I say this now....


I am 49 and had my Testosterone tested recently...came back around 320 which is headed to the low side. I've had sex with my wife on/off for 30 years. We have sex 5x a week...twice yesterday and will be going for another round today. I love my wife, am attracted to her and enjoy sharing that love and intimacy with her. I don't think your husband feels the same way about you. I am sorry that you are going through this hurt but the problem isn't him, it's hopefully you. Hopeful in that you aren't going to put up with this crap anymore. You DESERVE better and can have it with someone else.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Tiffy726 said:


> I'm so fed up. Although, I will be the craxy one for standing up for my feelings.


With this line of reasoning, you'll be forced to stay with him no matter how poorly he treats you. "Standing up for your feelings" also will not get you anywhere because that would involve trying to communicate with him. It is up to decide if you are unhappy enough to leave. Keep in mind that the life and relationship you have now is exactly what you'll still have five years from now.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Thank you all for your insight. It was everything I was already feeling but was told otherwise. I'm not sure how to fix this but I will keep trying. Hopefully, one day I will post our success story but until then , I thank you all for helping me through this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> Thank you all for your insight. It was everything I was already feeling but was told otherwise. I'm not sure how to fix this but I will keep trying. Hopefully, one day I will post our success story but until then , I thank you all for helping me through this.


Tiffy726, this ain't yours to fix. Your H needs to fix and mend the marriage. In short, you need to prepare to lose it to save it. Want to make this situation a tangible issue for your H? Advise you want to separate and will file D. Then do it. This will do one of two things: 1. Wake your H the hell up and work on the marriage. 2. Your H will be agreeable to separation. Either your marriage becomes what you desire and or you move on to someone who loves/respects you. Either way, both can work out for the better for you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tiffy726 said:


> My husband and I are always fighting over the lack.of sex in our marriage. This past weekend, he left for a boys weekend. It's something they do every year. It's a big camping fundraiser filled with drinking and naked woman. It's been about 6 weeks since we had sex and he left for the weekend without sex. Tells me while there, he understands its a problem, we will work on it and he will take care of me properly when he gets home. Well, that didnt happen. He claims he hasn't slept in 2 days and how dare I throw not having sex in.his face. Is this normal? I feel like its something about me that doesnt turn him on or sex just doesn't feel good for him. I loose sleep and cry about it. He insists its not me just sometimes he needs to be nodged. I can count on one hand the amount of times, I received oral sex from him. I never have an issue providing oral. After a while, I would like to feel sexually desired by my husband. It really plays tricks on your mind.


Sugar, he is having an affair. Sorry, but that is what is going on. 

Do the detective work, look at the standard evidence thread here and start working on it. 

If that is not it, then you have to stand up for yourself and confront him about what the deal is. 

You can try a sex therapist, MC and whatever else that you can think of. 

Your desires are completely normal in every way. So either he has issues with sex, or he is having an affair...

And what is the deal with naked women on a camping trip, is this something that he told you was normal? 

You are going to have to find out what is going on. 

If all that does not you need to be ready to end the marriage. I have known so many woman whose husbands got this way, and it never gets better. 

Give it a shot, and if it does not work, file...


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Tiffy726 said:


> Thank you all for your insight. It was everything I was already feeling but was told otherwise. I'm not sure how to fix this but I will keep trying. Hopefully, one day I will post our success story but until then , I thank you all for helping me through this.


Be aware that it may be you coming back and posting about _*your*_ success story. It may or may not include him.

He may not change, and you should not have to live with it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its a real problem - being rejected by the person you love hurts.

What is your history like? Was sex good and frequent in the past, or have there always been issues. If its changed, when, and how?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

PigglyWiggly said:


> I am 49 and had my Testosterone tested recently...came back around 320 which is headed to the low side. I've had sex with my wife on/off for 30 years. We have sex 5x a week...twice yesterday and will be going for another round today. I love my wife, am attracted to her and enjoy sharing that love and intimacy with her. I don't think your husband feels the same way about you. I am sorry that you are going through this hurt but the problem isn't him, it's hopefully you. Hopeful in that you aren't going to put up with this crap anymore. You DESERVE better and can have it with someone else.


I am on the low side also and did not have much desire after I was Divorced, regarding sex though it is the connection and sharing the intimacy and bond together so we are averaging maybe 6-10 times per week and she would be interested in more but I cant go that often still LOL so maybe I need to get on TRT before she is posting on here that she is frustrated :wink2:


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

How are you?

I'm the same age as Piggly, I also checked on my T# recently which is 376, the endo doc said I was normal. 

My wife and I have little ones 3 and 7 and she's too tire at night. She looks forward for us to have a day off, but too far in between thou. 

To the OP, your husband does not know how lucky he has it. I can't recall ever saying no to my wife, but there's been tons of No going my direction which is usually the case.

S1

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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I'm the girl most of my friends come to find out things about others so Im certain he is not having an affair. He has used his weight as an excuse, meds, admitted he gets lazy, etc. Now I cant confirm he isnt having an emotional affair with anyone like co workers etc but defintely not cheating. Sex hasnt been overwhelming but just seems like its diminishing as we go. I don't always mention my discontent and it will go for weeks before he will say, are you gonna give it up anytime soon. So if I sweep it under the rug, things are peachy. He get a real defensive when i mention lack of sex. I've done alot of research on this weekend getaway plus spoke to people that have been to this Regatta, and heard same thing over and over. Lots of drinking horny people. Woman get naked. I don't think its ok but his excuse is, he goes for his dead cousin that got killed because that was there tradition before I was around. I do think its bogus but how do I fight that. I must say, he is a very loving man other than our sex life. I do feel like we have a great marriage that can still end for this reason, correct? I don't think I'm overthinking this.Hopefully, I answered all your pending questions.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tiffy,

Does you H feel inferior to you in some way, does he feel inferior to past lovers you had?

Sometimes people feel that way and you would never know it, but it crushes them on the inside. On the surface they are successful, happy and loved and everyone else sees them that way, but perhaps because of their competitive nature they don't see themselves that way. 

Tamat


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Sexual mismatch is more than enough to destroy a marriage, all by itself. Doesn't matter if everything else is "perfect". If the sex is not happening enough for you to be happy, even if it is good when it happens, that is enough reason for you to bail. If you are looking for permission, you have it. If you are looking for validation that yes, lack of sex is a big deal, it is. If you are asking "am I crazy for thinking about divorcing him over the lack of sex", well, no, you are not crazy. You are very sane. If your H thinks that lack of sex is NOT enough reason to divorce, then he is the crazy one.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Hmmm, not sure. I'm gonna start asking the hard questions tonight. Communication is key so Im gonna start picking at it. Tonight im gonna just start with tell me something about me, you never told me before. Then I will see if he has anything for me. Every night one question or statement. I know corny but i need answers with coming off to harshly.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Okay, I am going to take a line from group therapy and say be sure to you your "I feel" statements.

When tackling touchy issues like this, it is really easy for people to become defensive and for communication to break down. And I am just about certain he doesn't understand where you are coming from, and you do not understand what is going on in his head.

So - if you want this to go well, come at it from a place of love and empathy, while conveying what you need to express.

Instead of "I cry at night because you do not have sex with me"

It needs to be "when I feel that you do not want to have sex with me, it makes me feel [worthless - sad - unattractive - like you do not care about me]" - whatever fits how YOU FEEL. And even frame the not having sex with you as an "I feel".

Because you may be feeling "he doesn't want sex with me" and he may be feeling:

"I don't try to have sex with my wife because I always feel tired, I feel like I do not satisfy her, I feel like I am unattractive, I don't feel masculine and sexy" - whatever his reasons are.

The key is hearing and being heard. To putting it all out there, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and creating a space where he feels safe being vulnerable to you.

No finger pointing. Anger will not help. Saying I love you, and I want us BOTH to be happy, so we can share a beautiful life together will.

Good luck to you. I hope some honest, and kind conversations lead to a better situation. Counseling would be a good idea if you two have problems communicating - it can give you the tools you two need.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> Well, thats been a issue but I have to learn to live with it cause he is doing it regardless. Also, half the guys he went with, ended with meeting up with girls they met there. Mind you, these men are married too.


giiirl, WHAT makes you think YOUR very own husband didn't meet up with one of those girls too? Sorry, but that would explain his missing desire to have sex with you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Okay, I am going to take a line from group therapy and say be sure to you your "I feel" statements.
> 
> When tackling touchy issues like this, it is really easy for people to become defensive and for communication to break down. And I am just about certain he doesn't understand where you are coming from, and you do not understand what is going on in his head.
> 
> ...


Wow, that is really good stuff...Kudos.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> I'm glad you mentioned that. I gave in just today when i said how hurt I was we didnt have sex again and he attacked me saying how dare I mention this, *he hasn't slept in a few days* and made me feel selfish. I said ok sorry I mentioned it, I don't want to fight. But cried myself to sleep last night


I've come home from 12 hour shifts doing heavy labor, feeling so tired I feel like I could puke. On occasion my wife has said she wanted sex, sometimes I think just as a challenge. I always rose to the occasion.

He has no respect for you. 

Sorry, but that's what it comes down to.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Tiffy726 said:


> I'm the girl most of my friends come to find out things about others so Im certain he is not having an affair. He has used his weight as an excuse, meds, admitted he gets lazy, etc. Now I cant confirm he isnt having an emotional affair with anyone like co workers etc but defintely not cheating. Sex hasnt been overwhelming but just seems like its diminishing as we go. I don't always mention my discontent and it will go for weeks before he will say, are you gonna give it up anytime soon. So if I sweep it under the rug, things are peachy. He get a real defensive when i mention lack of sex. I've done alot of research on this weekend getaway plus spoke to people that have been to this Regatta, and heard same thing over and over. Lots of drinking horny people. Woman get naked. I don't think its ok but his excuse is, he goes for his dead cousin that got killed because that was there tradition before I was around. I do think its bogus but how do I fight that. I must say, he is a very loving man other than our sex life. I do feel like we have a great marriage that can still end for this reason, correct? I don't think I'm overthinking this.Hopefully, I answered all your pending questions.


You know, when I was on the road I used to stay drunk for a week at a time. When I was in collage some semesters I partied the entire time, and still made my grades...

But, when I was married, I did not do those things anymore. 

This whole party thing that he goes to is CRAP. 

I think you are going to put your foot down about a lot of things, of course in a loving way...


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

I think there’s more information that can be provided here. Like are you trying to make it interesting for him. Do you dress sexy. Maybe find out a fantasy of his and try to implement it. One thing you shouldn’t do is blame your self and lose confidence in your self. It’s a marriage which means it’s a commitment and we all have to sacrifice and compromise. 


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

yeah join the club my wife is the same way

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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I shouldnthave said:


> Okay, I am going to take a line from group therapy and say be sure to you your "I feel" statements.
> 
> When tackling touchy issues like this, it is really easy for people to become defensive and for communication to break down. And I am just about certain he doesn't understand where you are coming from, and you do not understand what is going on in his head.
> 
> ...


Wow. Good stuff and dead on. The bold print, exactly what my W said to me. Then she followed up with crying in the bathroom after rejection. I was completely floored. I changed my tune pronto and became who she wanted. I simply did not know. I have spent many years making up for the many years I was ignoring my marriage and W. 

Communicate. I mean really sit and have your H acknowledge what you are saying. Please ask your H not to get defensive. Just sit and listen.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Ask him for an open relationship until he decides he is ready to help with your needs.


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