# How do you not doubt yourself after two break ups?



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I'm having a really off day today. I had to reach out to my ex husband (we were married 14 years when he started an affair...we divorced a year later)...we have two teenage boys...we haven't talked in two years but I had to get ahold of him yesterday concerning one of the boys.
On top of that I am currently separated for a month from my current husband of 5 years (together 9) who I have been trying to not call or email since he is so very cruel with his words when I do. We have not seen each other this entire month. I broke down and called him yesterday...pretending the reason was to let him know my new schedule but really if I'm honest because I missed him so very much. He was his usual cruel self and said some things that just cut me to my core. 

Today I am having a hard time not feeling totally exhausted and self-pitying. What is wrong with me that two men could decide I wasen't worth staying married to....that walking away from me and leaving everything behind was better than staying with me?
My ex-husband is currently still married to the woman he had an affair with....its been 10 years that they've been married so I guess the kharma bus missed that one. 

I'm just feeling down today and wondering how those of you who got left by someone you loved so much dealt with feelings of self worth and such. 

If only these people could see inside us for just a day at the destruction they caused...and the lifetime it stays...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

What does your worth have to do with having a husband?

You sound as if your only value in life is the men you're with. 

That's just baloney....

Cheaters and abusers? You're better off without them! Channel your self-pity into looking at why you would think that being treated like that is acceptable and even desirable--


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I agree with the above post. I think
It's less about who you are as a person and more about why you pick men who aren't great for you. Have you thought about therapy... It's seems you went straight from your first husband into a relationship with your second. Maybe some time single would help you dealing with the trauma of your break up and seeking a healthy relationship in the future.

I think its quite common to grieve for your first divorce as well as your second when you go through it again

I'm sorry you are so hurt, we are all worthy of being loved and respected but we have to expect it from the people we allow into our lives
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shouldn't let your relationships define you as a person.

So it didn't work out. So what? Plenty of people get divorced. You aren't the first nor the last.

Would you even want your ex back who cheated on you and ran off with someone else? Would you want the current stbx who speaks to you cruelly? 

Get into IC to find out what attracted you to these men so you can avoid red flags in the future. Also, work on your self-esteem. 

You don't need to be married to someone in order to be worthy of something/anything.

Dust your shoulders off and walk tall.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Currently entering the process of my 2nd divorce, I understand the shattered sense of self-worth when you look at it as why 2 people could dismiss you from their lives... 
...but I am choosing to think of it this way: I made 2 poor choices in wives, as you did husbands. Learn to be picky, surround yourself with better people, and be comfortable in your own skin, being alone and self-fulfilling emotionally before jumping to the next relationship. 

And listen to jellybeans, she knows what she's talking about -- true words right there.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I know you're all right...it's just hard sometimes to not let yourself drift in to self doubt. I know if I were talking to anyone else I would say the same things...why would you even want someone like that in your life??? You deserve so much better! His loss...etc etc... 

I think it's just a culmination of other things going on right now thats working to bring me down... "and this too shall pass..."


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Melissa, I know where you're coming from cause I am in the same boat. I had a less than spectacular record with men when I was younger (one of my boyfriends cheated on me with someone else, whom he is now happily married to and has two children with, a couple of them just basically told me I was worthless trash, one guy used me as an easy lay, etc etc). I was with my husband years ago, but it was not a good relationship, he wouldn't commit to me, but expected I would always be there with him because I loved him so much, even though he kinda just used me. Then I got sick of that, and stood up for myself and started dating someone else. He was a wonderful man, and I regret very much that I was too damaged and insecure to really open myself up to him. I felt like if he knew the "real" me, the one that had such an abysmal record of being rejected, he too would reject me, so I was always acting with him, and subsequently, dishonest with him. 

And then husband came back into my life a couple years later, telling me a whole different story of how he was now in love with me and wanted to marry me and could only ever see himself with me...and I bought it hook line and sinker, broke things off with the decent guy, and ended up marrying my now-husband. Who, turns out, has serious mental issues, and can't seem to make up his mind from hour to hour whether I am something he can't possibly live without, or whether I'm worthless trash and I should be begging him to take me back because no man on earth could ever love me.

So, I completely understand where you are coming from. I often feel like, what is wrong with me? But I would have to agree with ishe, that there is nothing wrong with YOU. There's no reason you aren't attractive, but you should try and figure out why it is that you seem to only end up with these losers. I have to figure this out, too. And it is scary and difficult, and I am full of recriminations for myself, but I know I can't get bogged down in obsessing over all the things I did wrong, or how stupid I was, because that will only lead to self-loathing. And there's no need for that.

You are no doubt a wonderful person, you just need to find that within yourself and show it to the world. And work on gaining the confidence in yourself that you deserve better than you have gotten.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I think we all have these thoughts. I consider myself a confident person with high self esteem, but I still think negative things about myself. How could I spend ten years with a man who would ultimately think so little of me to get a teenager pregnant! But I tell myself that HE alone chose his actions and the only way to retain myself esteem and dignity is to remove him and his drama from my life. Now I worry that Im not able to pick a decent guy and I'm terrified of having my heart broken again 

Life is hard and we can only do the best we can, it's normal to doubt yourself... That leaves room for growth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I am SO glad that I found this site. I have to say that it has made going through this separation and all that goes with it a little easier. I'm sorry so many of us are here...but glad to have found you. I really do need to find a way to stop letting these "men" define how I feel about myself. I have a lot to offer...obviously some things to work on...but a good person. I sure didn't deserve what my stbxh did to me nor did my kids...thats what I need to start remembering. Things are definitely picking up and I feel better since my first post. I still miss him every day but I'm letting it sink in that he's made his position more than clear and even if somehow I managed to coax him home it would just happen again sooner than later and why put me and my kids through that? And why settle for someone who thinks walking out on his family and doing it in the cruelest way is ok??


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I went to IC and it wasn't that I doubted myself intially, but that I wasn't confident enough. Here's a tip...when the person you have doubts about is the one who tries to talk you down or talk himself up, and doesn't address honestly issues he may have that may contribute to your feelings, and acknowledges your feelings and doubts, that's a red flag. If he's not up to anything, consider if you want to be in a relationship with someone who you trust your feelings with and then treats them like that (dismissively, defensively, smokescreening, comparing - I'm not as bad as so-and-so, you're lucky I don't do x,y,z...)

If you think back, you might see that this is true. I know when I went to IC, I realized that I did speak up about my doubts, but I didn't consider the answer, I cowed down too easily, and wanted too much to have a successful relationship rather than making a mistake and throwing out a good guy early on. Here's a hint: the good guy will understand, and he will set things right. The bad guy or the guy who can't stand the heat of a working/honest/trusting relationship will keep on going after making a small furious burt of loser's fuss.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Melissa,

You need to understand what it is about you that has you involved with these sorts of people.

A good counselor will challenge you enough to figure that out.




melissa68 said:


> I am SO glad that I found this site. I have to say that it has made going through this separation and all that goes with it a little easier. I'm sorry so many of us are here...but glad to have found you. I really do need to find a way to stop letting these "men" define how I feel about myself. I have a lot to offer...obviously some things to work on...but a good person. I sure didn't deserve what my stbxh did to me nor did my kids...thats what I need to start remembering. Things are definitely picking up and I feel better since my first post. I still miss him every day but I'm letting it sink in that he's made his position more than clear and even if somehow I managed to coax him home it would just happen again sooner than later and why put me and my kids through that? And why settle for someone who thinks walking out on his family and doing it in the cruelest way is ok??


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I think it's so awesome how so many people said so many wonderful things but there is a stigma to divorce, so Melissa, I do understand the other things wrapped up in the sadness/pity or what I like to call fear. I am in my second marriage, separated for 3 months now, going through the process (with and without my husband) and I turned 40 last week---more stigmas to add to the sting. 
I too go to IC and it does help and yes, understanding that I made lousy choices and now delving into why I made those choices has been helpful and healing, don't want to say it doesn't hurt to look at those things...but here's a phrase I like: hurt people hurt people. I have also learned that if the actions line up with the words, that's truth---that goes for spouses, friends, heck, even this site :0)
Hang in there


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I almost started a thread about this yesterday.. I was engaged twice before and I broke them off ( they cheated on me),, then got married 10 yrs ago ( my first marriage at 32) , to who I thought was "the one", only to find out that he has basically been unfaithful to me probably the whole 13 years we've been together....

I have never cheated on anyone that I had been with, ever.

I was asking myself last night "what's wrong with me??"

Why is it that I am doomed to only attract cheaters and POS's??

I think I might as well not even to try to find love again. Why risk my heart again?

I'm sure most "good" guys in my age group are pretty much taken by now.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

2xloser wrote: 
>and be comfortable in your own skin

boy, if this doesn't say it all. it's key! i've found when this is achieved, life's crap falls into the appropriate places and not all over your self-esteem.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Faithaqua is so right. I know I have a tendency to do and say things I don't mean, to lash out so to speak, because I have been hurt so many times. This is something I work at every day in my friendships, and something I worked very hard at in my marriage. I think I did get better, and I hope that if I ever am blessed with another relationship, I can maintain the maturity and self control I learned, so that I am not lashing out over my own pain, or a perceived wrong. And I am sure that was the origin of much of my husband's abuse of me as well, that he was hurt, or believed he was being hurt by me, so he was lashing out, too. But he couldn't ever see that the problem was him and the things he was saying, he always believed everything he did was justified by something somewhere in his life, so he never would stop.

Also, Numb in Ohio, don't give up hope of finding a good man! I say this because I have a cousin who is just now getting married for the first time, and he is 40 or 41. He is handsome, rich, and absolutely the most wonderful, funny, kind guy you could meet. He kept waiting and waiting because he couldn't find anyone, and instead of settling he just kept looking. There ARE some out there, and I really hope that after you have healed from this pain, you find one. They're not all taken! Just gotta keep looking.

And I agree with melissa, this website is a life saver. I have no money and no insurance, so my therapy options are very limited, so having this website to go to to post when I am at the end of my rope, or just when I need to talk things out, or focus on helping others or giving support, instead of needing the support myself, is such a godsend. I think I would struggle a lot with really opening up in a face to face support group, I get uncomfortable with expressing my feelings, especially to people I don't know very well, but on here I really can, and that's a huge thing for me.


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

I am twice married twice hurt but really i know i had some responsability in them ending but not all 1 st wife cheated 2 nd wife changed personality and become different person following advice from her recently seperated friend and her friend who wont have another relationship. The single friend club had a great attraction for my wife and that life is what she has chosen after 15 years. I can take some responsability but not a lot i tried to slow her down and make her think but her mind was set. 3 rd time lucky or maybe not too frightened myself to get involved again. You blokes are just prople we cant be responsible for them, look through this site how many good people are in here who have been used, abused, and mentally scarred, not all their fault either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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