# Masterbation



## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 15 1/2 years married for 14. I am, what I think to be at least, a very sexual person. Pretty much willing to try or learn how to do most anything. My husband has always been pretty conservative and sometimes shy about sex. Many years ago I found girls-gone-wild videos. He had been masturbating, apparently, pretty frequently. When I asked him why he decides to do this instead of just coming to bed he didn't seem to have much to say. I am not afraid of porn and was totally willing to watch it with him. I have done this with other partners and have even made videos too. He didn't really show any interest. It caused a big issue then. Over the last couple of years I have found him to be pretty distant. I enjoy sex and want to have it very frequently but he would make excuses. About 2 years ago I found porn on the computer. Teen girls stripping and what not. This just made me angry. I want to be part of it. I don't mind watching it and watching him enjoying it. I just want to be there, not oblivious to it and left out. This turned into a long conversation and he promised me that he wouldn't do it anymore. I even went and subscribed to Adam and Eve and bought stuff to watch together along with other goodies. He showed very little to no interest. Now, over the course of a few months, I could feel the distance in our relationship and his disinterest in sex with me. I asked him about it and he said he is tired, too much on his mind, etc. So I just sit, yearning for sexual contact and I voice my desires and try to do what I can to entice him but more often then not he doesn't want it. He even went as far as to say he thought about testosterone replacement. Two weeks ago, 2 days before our anniversary, I found porn again. Searches included: Teen girls playing with themselves, teen girls stripping, teen Mexican neighbor girl stripping, etc. In the history he watches this stuff at least 2 times a week and has for months. We didn't have sex on our anniversary or for nearly a week after and come to find out he was masturbating instead. He is very critical of my looks. I am 5' 6" and weight 135 lbs with long blonde hair. I feel like I am a pretty average looking woman but I am 36 and not as firm as I used to be. I feel like I am just ugly and disgusting and I can't compete with what he sees and apparently wants more. After I found the porn I asked him to take a drive with me. We went to a look out and I asked him about it. He denied at first until I pulled out the paper with the search history. I told him that I can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling bad about myself since I can't live up to his expectations and I can't spend this part of my life alone. I want someone who is attracted to me someone who is willing to explore and play with me. He told me that he has been doing it since he was young and would do it several times a day and he doesn't know how to quit. That he loves me and doesn't want to loose me but to not take it personal. He told me that sometimes he doesn't feel like he can get hard with me. He said that guys do this all of the time and it isn't about me or anything like that. He say how upset I was and how heartbroken I feel and he told me that he understands and he won't do it anymore since he doesn't want to loose me. 

I am conflicted, broken hearted, angry and scared....

I don't want to sit on the shelf and wait for him to decide to come and show me attention. 
I love him and don't want this to be the end
I don't mind changing it up at all but I can't get him to share this with me
I feel scared to leave him alone now 
The images he is looking at makes me nervous
I feel self conscious and afraid to let him see me or touch me especially since it says he can't get hard with me
I have been cheated on before and I am scared that this is the next step, if he hasn't done something already
I just don't trust that this will be the end since it hasn't stopped yet and if it is not I don't know if I could stay but I don't know if I could leave either.

I tried to talk to him about it last night and he says that I will never understand it and that he doesn't have to be in the mood he just does it. Which I don't understand at all because you avidly have to go to the computer type in what you are looking for narrow down the search until you find what you like and sit there and participate. It isn't like a hot chick walks by and you get aroused. He said that I should go talk to a male therapist to help me coop with it. 


Please help me, I am so sad and lonely and don't know what to do.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Anything can be an addiction. If he is masturbating or using porn to an extent that it affects your marriage, then he needs to seek help. It sounds like you are a great partner, willing to do just about anything he would fantasize about, but he is taking the porn route instead. It sounds very much like an addiction to me. He needs counseling. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Only guys who are suffering from an addiction to pornography act like your husband. I have no idea what leads men to become addicted to pornography. I don't know how to break the addiction. But that's what it is.

By the way, I have a real fetish for somewhat trim women and the values you gave make you sound perfect. Most of the girls in videos are too thin, and probably unhealthy.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are doing all the right things and he is doing the wrong ones.

I have no objection to porn UNLESS it interferes with a couple's sex life. His use is interfering. Maybe he is addicted? Maybe he doesn't like sex with a real woman? I don't know, and maybe he doesn't either. 

You can't *make* him stop watching porn - he will always find a way if he wants to. He has to want to prefer you. 

You are NOT ugly and disgusting - a man who loves you will think you are beautiful and desirable (as I feel about my mid-50s wife). This is in no way a problem with you, it is all his problem. 

Unfortunately if he doesn't want to change, I don't know what to suggest. 

You can just make it clear to him that you are not willing to stay married to a man who prefers porn to you. If he won't change, you need to carry through and leave - you are young, don't spend the rest of your life like this.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> I want someone who is attracted to me someone who is willing to explore and play with me. He told me that he has been doing it since he was young and would do it several times a day and he doesn't know how to quit. That he loves me and doesn't want to loose me but to not take it personal. He told me that sometimes he doesn't feel like he can get hard with me.
> 
> Please help me, I am so sad and lonely and don't know what to do.


Sometimes, some men get themselves into a viscous circle when they overdo porn and masturbation. They become used to using their hand and being visually stimulated by what is on the screen. The brain gets used to this type of stimulus and although they are physically attracted to their partners, they struggle to get an erection. When an erection is unpredictable, sex becomes stressful and shameful....so they go back to porn...no-one to disappoint there.

He may or may not be addicted, but first thing he needs to do is lay off the porn AND masturbation whilst he gets used to the sensation of your hand, mouth or PIV. If he has erectile problems going to the GP for meds might be a good idea to kick start intimacy again.

If he cannot do this for the sake of his marriage....then you have a big problem.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Sorry to learn of your situation. Hearing this makes we wonder if your husband really needs an MRI vs. sex therapy or treatment for his porn addiction. A guy who acts like he does under the described circumstances has something wrong in the head!

A man I used to know supposedly had a porn addiction, and wouldn't pay his wife (an attractive lady) any attention. While I don't know all of the details, I do know their story ended in divorce. 

I fear if you can't break your husband's porn addiction, your story might have a similar ending. Watching porn occasionally is one thing, watching it uncontrollably and favoring it over one's spouse is another. 

Assuming you have no kids, I recommend you keep your position: "give me much more of your attention, or else". 

While I can see merit to your attempt to integrate yourself into his porn usage, with the potential of follow-on sex, realize that porn is diverting his desires away from you. The more he watches, the more he wants a fantasy depiction on his screen, and the less he wants of the woman in his bedroom. 

Don't feel down about your looks, comparing yourself to the girls in his porn. Trust me, this problem is not you; it's him.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

I have always felt like marriage is a compromise between being the person you are and the person your spouse needs you to be. I have had my fair share of issues, don't get my wrong, and I have actually sought professional help for them. Over time I was able to work through most of them and I feel like I have become a better person for it...however I know that people are who they are and somethings no matter how hard we try to, we just can't change. 

I am scared that this is something that he can't change that this is part of the core person that he is and that I have to either learn how to accept it or move on. 

Is this really something that a relatively happy marriage should die over? 

I guess part of my biggest problem with it is how he makes me feel about me. I will be lucky to get a compliment out of him once or twice a year, no exaggeration. And it is usually, "you look nice." I don't need someone to fawn all over me. I pay compliments when I think they are due not to fain interest or tell people what they want to hear. I have addressed this with him and he said well I should know that he thinks I am pretty and nothing else really needs to be said. But it would be nice to feel that way. On the flip side he has told me, on more then one occasion, that if I tried harder he would be more attracted to me. These comments, lack of appreciation, and the porn have made me feel just terrible about myself. When I took him aside and explained everything to him 2 weeks ago I told him that I want to be with someone who can love me and accept me for the person I am. The double edge of that is, am I being fair and fully accepting the person that he is. If he loves to watch porn and can't get enough of it and that is who he claims he is and that he can't change it, then how can I expect him to love me and accept me for me if I am not willing/able to do that in return. 

I feel like a bit knot is in my heart and I don't know how to untangle it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> Don't feel down about your looks, comparing yourself to the girls in his porn. Trust me, this problem is not you; it's him.


This:iagree: a thousand times. Never forget this. No matter what. 
What's more, you have a fantastic attitude toward sex with your beloved that any sane man would encourage, cherish, and reward at every possible opportunity. You are a gem. 

As awful as it seems, uhtred is spot on:
"You can just make it clear to him that you are not willing to stay married to a man who prefers porn to you. If he won't change, you need to carry through and leave - you are young, don't spend the rest of your life like this."

You deserve better. If your spouse is willing to fully acknowledge his problem and do _everything _in his power (including serious counseling) to overcome it, there may be a glimmer of hope of continuing. Anything less, it's time to move on . You deserve better. Even if he does make an attempt, have no expectations and be ready to move on anyway; recidivism is high with this addiction.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

Another thing is where do my needs go. Although I have masturbated and enjoy it, it is not my preferred method of entertainment. I want to be with someone. I don't feel like I am much of a burden to have sex with. I enjoy multiple positions, I am usually ready to go, and don't take a long time to finish or become engaged. So if my husband isn't willing to have sex as frequently as I need it and would rather watch porn, where do I go. What options do I have left. Leave, cheat, follow in his footsteps and exclude a partner. I don't want this part of my life to be wasted. I want to have fun, explore, enjoy, and feel satisfied.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You definitely should not feel the need to compete with those girls in the videos. They are young, picked specifically for looks, and filmed to make the best of that. They can't even compete with themselves.

I do think it is pornography addiction. There have been a lot of studies on it. Especially in Japan lately. Many men are making no effort to ever connect with women at all because of porn addiction. I guess the same is happening in reverse as well, with women finding porn better than real relationships.

My wife and I have used some pornography occasionally, but only as a kind of background for our own play. I just don't get it, myself, how someone could get so interested in it.

Yes, you expect him to accept you as you are. One of the big things I have done which makes my wife happy is tell her I accept her. But there are some things which do need to change in a persons life. Like addictions. If he were an alcoholic, wouldn't you want him to get clean and sober and stay that way?

If you were hooked on cocaine, wouldn't you think you owe it to him to kick the habit?

Some things shouldn't just be accepted. Sometimes it is good to work for change.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> Another thing is where do my needs go. Although I have masturbated and enjoy it, it is not my preferred method of entertainment. I want to be with someone. I don't feel like I am much of a burden to have sex with. I enjoy multiple positions, I am usually ready to go, and don't take a long time to finish or become engaged. So if my husband isn't willing to have sex as frequently as I need it and would rather watch porn, where do I go. What options do I have left. Leave, cheat, follow in his footsteps and exclude a partner. I don't want this part of my life to be wasted. I want to have fun, explore, enjoy, and feel satisfied.


That's such a valid question and I would love to hear what his response would be.

It's great that he's accepted he's addicted but it sounds like he's just resigned himself to it. Like doesn't he want to get over this? Doesn't he realize that this will cause issues no matter who he's in a relationship with? Doesn't he realize he can get you to help him deal with it? 

He's so lucky to have someone as understanding as you. Yet he's just throwing it away for porn. It really is not much different than a drug addict.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

This really resonated with me. Is that what he means by he can't get hard with me. That he isn't in the mood. I don't feel like I am a challenging partner at all but obviously I do it differently or it feels differently then what he can do on his own. It is easy because he is a pro at it and knows exactly what he likes and wants right then and there and doesn't have to consider anyone else. 

I have tried my mouth and my hands and he says that I don't do it right. He is not my first partner and I had never had any complaints before. It's not like I am biting down on him for goodness sake. So how could it really be done too wrong, especially if others didn't have an issue. 

Sometimes I do just want to please him in other ways but he says he doesn't like it and/or that it makes him feel self-conscious. 

What you said about him getting used to the sensation may be spot on. I just don't know if he is willing to do this.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe it's hard not to but you need to accept that the problem has nothing to do with you or your sexual skill. If his experiences have centred on masturbation then he will have little experience with regular sexual activities and for that reason has not learned to enjoy/derive pleasure from them.

I think it's comparable to new sexual experiences between partners. My guy had had a handful of bjs when we met and he had very little interest in them. I was crazy about them and it's taken me 5 YEARS of trying to get him to enjoy them. I knew he was faking enjoying it in the beginning but now, oh boy now he'll beg for it. He says he knew it should've felt good but he had to train himself to enjoy it. 

Similarly, in the beginning of our relationship, I had a hard time focusing strictly on him/the act when I needed to cum. We had been long distance for some time and I had relied heavily on porn when we couldn't have cyber. I had to think back to my favorite scenes in order to orgasm. It was embarrassing and I would hide my face in the moment although I knew he couldn't see my thoughts. After accepting that this was a problem I committed to cutting off the porn completely to train my brain. It's been close to a year since I checked out my typical porn preferences (I've watched a few of his favorites with him since then) and the images still pop up sometimes. When he leaves me home alone, I still get tempted to look.

Patience and effort. In your husband's case, add counselling to the mix. The addiction can be addressed, he just needs to want to get over it.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> My husband and I have been together for 15 1/2 years married for 14. I am, what I think to be at least, a very sexual person. Pretty much willing to try or learn how to do most anything. My husband has always been pretty conservative and sometimes shy about sex. Many years ago I found girls-gone-wild videos. He had been masturbating, apparently, pretty frequently. When I asked him why he decides to do this instead of just coming to bed he didn't seem to have much to say. I am not afraid of porn and was totally willing to watch it with him. I have done this with other partners and have even made videos too. He didn't really show any interest. It caused a big issue then. Over the last couple of years I have found him to be pretty distant. I enjoy sex and want to have it very frequently but he would make excuses. About 2 years ago I found porn on the computer. Teen girls stripping and what not. This just made me angry. I want to be part of it. I don't mind watching it and watching him enjoying it. I just want to be there, not oblivious to it and left out. This turned into a long conversation and he promised me that he wouldn't do it anymore. I even went and subscribed to Adam and Eve and bought stuff to watch together along with other goodies. He showed very little to no interest. Now, over the course of a few months, I could feel the distance in our relationship and his disinterest in sex with me. I asked him about it and he said he is tired, too much on his mind, etc. So I just sit, yearning for sexual contact and I voice my desires and try to do what I can to entice him but more often then not he doesn't want it. He even went as far as to say he thought about testosterone replacement. Two weeks ago, 2 days before our anniversary, I found porn again. Searches included: Teen girls playing with themselves, teen girls stripping, teen Mexican neighbor girl stripping, etc. In the history he watches this stuff at least 2 times a week and has for months. We didn't have sex on our anniversary or for nearly a week after and come to find out he was masturbating instead. He is very critical of my looks. I am 5' 6" and weight 135 lbs with long blonde hair. I feel like I am a pretty average looking woman but I am 36 and not as firm as I used to be. I feel like I am just ugly and disgusting and I can't compete with what he sees and apparently wants more. After I found the porn I asked him to take a drive with me. We went to a look out and I asked him about it. He denied at first until I pulled out the paper with the search history. I told him that I can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling bad about myself since I can't live up to his expectations and I can't spend this part of my life alone. I want someone who is attracted to me someone who is willing to explore and play with me. He told me that he has been doing it since he was young and would do it several times a day and he doesn't know how to quit. That he loves me and doesn't want to loose me but to not take it personal. He told me that sometimes he doesn't feel like he can get hard with me. He said that guys do this all of the time and it isn't about me or anything like that. He say how upset I was and how heartbroken I feel and he told me that he understands and he won't do it anymore since he doesn't want to loose me.
> 
> I am conflicted, broken hearted, angry and scared....
> 
> ...




Plain and simple he is addicted to porn. This is why he isn't interested in having sex with you. I've been down that road and it is traumatic. Why anyone would want to join their husband in an addiction is beyond me. Are you not aware that watching teens (underage?) is illegal? Why would you want to be a part of that and condone it? 


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> Plain and simple he is addicted to porn. This is why he isn't interested in having sex with you. I've been down that road and it is traumatic. Why anyone would want to join their husband in an addiction is beyond me. Are you not aware that watching teens (underage?) is illegal? Why would you want to be a part of that and condone it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am in no way trying to condone it which is why I am on here. However I am not opposed to porn in and of itself. I am trying to understand it and coop with my feelings on the subject. Like I mentioned the content bothers me. I have 11 and 13 year old daughters so I find it very disturbing to say the least but I can't help what he watches. Trust me the thought of the cops knocking down my door because of some elicit searches has crossed my mind numerous times. But I am not sure how that is regulated and if that is even something he has considered. I also don't know if he cares about that at all or just what looks/feels good.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This really is not your failing at all. There is NOTHING wrong with your sexual skills -it sounds like you are willing to try to do what he wants in bed and that is all it takes to be a good lover. He is the problem not you.

Imagine if he was ignoring you because of a heroin addiction. No one would say that "herion is better than you", he would be addicted, and NOTHING would be better than his addiction. 

Many people can watch porn without getting addicted, just as many can drink alcohol without being alcoholics. He cant. 

It makes me so sad to hear of people who try so hard for their partners and get rejected. There are so many people who would love and value you. 

I think the best approach is to tell him that you think he is a porn addict. That you are saying this not because he watches porn but because he prefers porn over he real life wife. Tell him that you will work with him if he wants to end it, but that you cannot stay married to an addict. 








AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> This really resonated with me. Is that what he means by he can't get hard with me. That he isn't in the mood. I don't feel like I am a challenging partner at all but obviously I do it differently or it feels differently then what he can do on his own. It is easy because he is a pro at it and knows exactly what he likes and wants right then and there and doesn't have to consider anyone else.
> 
> I have tried my mouth and my hands and he says that I don't do it right. He is not my first partner and I had never had any complaints before. It's not like I am biting down on him for goodness sake. So how could it really be done too wrong, especially if others didn't have an issue.
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> I tried to talk to him about it last night and he says that I will never understand it and that *he doesn't have to be in the mood he just does it. * Which I don't understand at all because you avidly have to go to the computer type in what you are looking for narrow down the search until you find what you like and sit there and participate. It isn't like a hot chick walks by and you get aroused. He said that I should go talk to a male therapist to help me coop with it.


I actually do think he may be honest by telling you that he is not in the mood and may just do it. In this case his use of porn may be for the following reasons:

1) He is in emotional pain and is using porn/masturbation as a way to escape from his own emotional suffering. In the event you are causing him emotional pain due to erectile disfunction, this would only emphasize his need to escape from emotional pain with porn instead of turning to you.

2) He may be having trouble sleeping and does not care about sex, but wants to achieve the side effects of a male orgasm, which in some cases can be the equivalent of taking a valium. The male refractory period releases strong hormones that calm a man down and anecdotally are well known for making men fall asleep right after sex. 

Now the fact he said you should go see a male therapist to help you cope with this is complete BS. To me that seems like a very passive aggressive way for him to punish you and exclude you from making himself more vulnerable to you as he should be doing. 

Sorry for your pain!

Badsanta


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

I think what everyone is failing to see is the type of porm he is or may be watching? Does she really want to have sex, watch porn with her husband and please him knowing he is searching for teens online? Does everyone not see that this is illegal? Would it be okay for some other man to be searching pictures of her daughters? Where is the common sense here?


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

badsanta said:


> I actually do think he may be honest by telling you that he is not in the mood and may just do it. In this case his use of porn may be for the following reasons:
> 
> 1) He is in emotional pain and is using porn/masturbation as a way to escape from his own emotional suffering. In the event you are causing him emotional pain due to erectile disfunction, this would only emphasize his need to escape from emotional pain with porn instead of turning to you.
> 
> ...


We have had other issues in our lives but to me nothing so detrimental to the relationship. I have not been the happiest camper lately because I have been working 12-16 hour days and have been stressed out because of it. We talked about it recently and he said that he feels bad about the work and would like to help. To be honest there isn't really anything more that he can do to help. I did tell him that if he wants to help just come up and give me a hug or a kiss and tell me that it will all work out. Reassurance is all I really need. 

The flip side is, with working in front of the computer for 12-16 hours most days isn't great for the body so I then feel self conscious and his behavior amplifies this. Which makes what he is doing even harder. 

I have never and I truly mean never said anything about his performance in bed. Even if I don't finish I tell him not to worry about it and he can just get me next time. Its not like we have to sit there for hours to try to get him aroused. It is one of two things either he doesn't show interest or he does. When he does he gets semi-aroused or on occasion fully-aroused but it still works out, for the most part, in the end. 

I don't want to put pressure on him because I want him and want to be with him. 

From the times in the computer history it is in the morning or afternoon far from sleepy time. To be honest this part pisses me off too. I know that I am home either in bed, cooking, with the kids, or somewhere else around and he is doing this. I asked last night about this all because, again I don't know where to turn. I said "where am I during this, am I home, it sure seems like I am. Why turn to this when I am here and almost always ready willing and able." 

His exact response was "you are asking me questions that I can't answer and this isn't going to help either of us."


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> I think what everyone is failing to see is the type of porm he is or may be watching? Does she really want to have sex, watch porn with her husband and please him knowing he is searching for teens online? Does everyone not see that this is illegal? Would it be okay for some other man to be searching pictures of her daughters? Where is the common sense here?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am sure it is a very popular search used by countless men. I don't know what regulations are on the sites and I am scared to click on the actual search history to see what it brings up, so I haven't yet. Teen is not necessarily illegal, there is still eighteen and nineteen but I do understand what you are saying and it is part of my concerns. When I think of watching porn I think of couples and definitely not teenage girls. Maybe that is part of the issue, beyond just the content itself, but that he would assume I wouldn't watch that type of porn and that is obviously his preference. So I can't be included in the activity because I would find the content disturbing. I did bring up our girls and how we have a 13 going to be 14 year old and that her friends come around. I honestly can't even remember if he had a response. I was pretty upset and crying and it was all a lot to take in.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, unless he changes his attitude he will not change his actions.

He has to want to get over this before there is any chance he can make any change.

You could make a drastic step, and ask for a trial separation, to try to drive home to him the seriousness of the issue. 

Currently he isn't changing. Either he can't, or won't. Perhaps he hasn't hit the bottom, so to speak. His addiction hasn't hurt him enough to make him realize it is important to make a change. Confronted with the possibility of having to live on his own he might see that as a possible negative he is not willing to accept, and a reason to actually want to try to make a change.

Or he might accept being separated, and figure porn is more important to him than you are.

But do you want to know?

That is very drastic. But his disrespect for you to this degree should not be tolerated. You are enabling his addiction by being as nice as you are.

And you are being very nice, as of your reporting.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, teen is just a simple term for younger looking women. Generally it means like the girl next door style. Small breasts, no tattoos, smiling, thin as a rail, simple hair style. It's a style.

So pay no attention. Even my wife likes teen as a search term, and we are old. We don't like breast implants, and about the only place to make sure you don't get those is in the teen categories.

There's nothing illegal about 18 and 19 year old girls, and anyone who wants to go on about the idea teen sites have younger girls than that can go to the feds with their evidence. More power to them, but beating that drum here is just silly.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Well, unless he changes his attitude he will not change his actions.
> 
> He has to want to get over this before there is any chance he can make any change.
> 
> ...


I don't think he feels like I am being nice. I know it bothers him a lot that I searched the internet history. And that isn't something that I am proud of at all. I swore I wouldn't be the person who snooped but I felt a disconnect and actually didn't expect to find what I did. 

We have two kids, we own our own business, we are so intertwined I don't even know how to start to move toward a separation and what that would do to everything that we have worked so hard for. 

After everything he said "I just won't do it any more. It's not worth my marriage." 

Sadly, I have now heard this once before and if what he said about being addicted and not being able to help it since it is something that he has always done, then I know it is just a matter of time. Especially if he isn't willing to confide in me or seek help with it. 

I feel like everything is teetering on this and that part makes me very frustrated.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

People do get help for this. People do get cured, from what I have read.

I think he is not trying to be cured. He is trying to placate you with a few well chosen words to get you to shut up and go away, and let him get back to masturbating.

You have been being very nice. Much nicer than I would have been, anyway. 

He needs professional help. He needs to have limited supervised access to any network attached devices. This is an addiction. Neither of you are treating it like an addiction.

He cannot just stop on his own. The computer has to be taken away. The phone has to be taken away. You control it, and he can use it only under your watchful eye. That's what it means if he really admits he has an addiction. That's what it takes to begin to defeat an addiction.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Consider this: If he was addicted to cocaine, would you let him sit in a room with bags of cocaine sitting around on the table and in drawers here and there after he repeatedly fails to quit using, after he said over and over he was going to quit?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Snoop away. If he doesn't have anything to hide, then you won't find anything. Eventually you will get bored with snooping.

If he kept you confident that he is faithful and attentive to your needs, you would not feel like snooping. It is his fault you feel the need to snoop. Tell him to own that and get over his outrage.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

hifromme67 said:


> Does she really want to have sex, watch porn with her husband and please him knowing he is searching for teens online? Does everyone not see that this is illegal?


It is not illegal. One common category of porn is "teens". Porn producers find those who are at least of legal age (18) and others who still look like they could pass for an 18 or 19 year-old. Personally I think that 18 is still too young to be mature enough to make a wise decision about getting into that business.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> It is not illegal. One common category of porn is "teens". Porn producers find those who are at least of legal age (18) and others who still look like they could pass for an 18 or 19 year-old. Personally I think that 18 is still too young to be mature enough to make a wise decision about getting into that business.


Probably. Of course, 21 wasn't much better.

And there are stories of some who have been used and tossed aside and very sorry they allowed the lure of money to draw them into the sex business. But it is legal.

As an aside, they changed the voting age from 21 to 18 in the USA because those in Congress realized I was turning 18 that year. They knew my vote would make all the difference in the world, and it was a must.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> After everything he said "I just won't do it any more. It's not worth my marriage."
> 
> Sadly, I have now heard this once before and if what he said about being addicted and not being able to help it since it is something that he has always done, then I know it is just a matter of time. Especially if he isn't willing to confide in me or seek help with it.
> 
> I feel like everything is teetering on this and that part makes me very frustrated.


One part about porn that may do something for him that you are unable to offer is that aspect that it is perhaps a "forbidden fruit" so to speak. If he now promised to stop, he know "something" is wrong and that he should not be doing it. This in turn can create a huge adrenaline rush to do it again, particularly if you are home and there is a possibility of him getting caught. Combine adrenaline with other sexual hormones that give you arousal and pleasure and it is quite an experience! And while I refrain from using the word addictive, it can be extremely difficult to reproduce this dynamic of sex with a spouse when everything is known and comfortable. 

If this is what is happening, perhaps it may be difficult for him to understand the dynamics of adrenaline and sexuality that would cause him to say, "you are asking me questions that I can't answer" when you ask him about it. 

Take a moment and ask yourself what it would take for you to get an adrenaline rush with your husband while having sex. Odds are accomplishing that would be a challenge. In my opinion most couples explore adrenaline-based sex either through either BDSM, some form of swinging or experience it individually via some form of infidelity (porn perhaps being a mild form of infidelity). 

So if your husband is enjoying adrenaline-based orgasms, how can the two of you work together to redirect that experience into something you explore as a couple and in the context of a healthy monogamous relationship? A) You need to become extremely confident about your body, and B) you will need to have a sexual temper tantrum with carefully planned creativity that allows you to let go of your anger and frustrations in a way that will be pleasurable for your husband! An example might be that you tie your husband to the bed, blindfold him, and allow him to listen as you pleasure yourself without even touching him. You can enjoy seeing him get aroused and eventually start begging you for it. Then you can be the one to decide if he deserves any mercy from you or not depending on how convincing he begs for you to touch him. 

I could be completely wrong, but I know I am at least right about the part where you need to be extremely confident about your body!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> One part about porn that may do something for him that you are unable to offer is that aspect that it is perhaps a "forbidden fruit" so to speak. If he now promised to stop, he know "something" is wrong and that he should not be doing it. This in turn can create a huge adrenaline rush to do it again, particularly if you are home and there is a possibility of him getting caught. Combine adrenaline with other sexual hormones that give you arousal and pleasure and it is quite an experience! And while I refrain from using the word addictive, it can be extremely difficult to reproduce this dynamic of sex with a spouse when everything is known and comfortable.
> 
> If this is what is happening, perhaps it may be difficult for him to understand the dynamics of adrenaline and sexuality that would cause him to say, "you are asking me questions that I can't answer" when you ask him about it.
> 
> ...


I have done a lot of positive things from sheer rage :grin2:. Not tie him to the bed, but done some 'assertive' stuff that made him see that I wasn't messing around regarding our sex life. Door-matty communication is not my way - it was - now it isn't.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

OP, does your husband have erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation? It occurred to me that sex might cause him performance anxiety, especially if he knows how important it is to you. My apologies if someone else has already asked.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> I am in no way trying to condone it which is why I am on here. However I am not opposed to porn in and of itself. I am trying to understand it and coop with my feelings on the subject. Like I mentioned the content bothers me. I have 11 and 13 year old daughters so I find it very disturbing to say the least but I can't help what he watches. Trust me the thought of the cops knocking down my door because of some elicit searches has crossed my mind numerous times. But I am not sure how that is regulated and if that is even something he has considered. I also don't know if he cares about that at all or just what looks/feels good.


Are they his daughters as well? Its very concerning that his searches are for teenagers. 

Porn use is incredibly selfish and self centered. As you have found out its also very damaging for the mind of the one looking and the marriage, and many men like your husband eventually loose the ability to enjoy normal sex with a woman. As for being told that you shouldn't feel 'less than' because of the women in the porn, of COURSE you will feel that.Its natural, a husbands eyes and desires should be for his wife.

You could down load porn blocking programmes and have an agreement about when he uses the computer etc. A lady I know got so fed up with her husbands porn use that she eventually said, its the porn or me, and she was ready to leave. Guess what, he stopped just like that which goes to show that if they think they will loose their family they are capable of stopping. 

Even once he has stopped, he will take a long time to get past that inability to be aroused by normal sex, and will have so many images in his mind. Hopefully he will eventually be able to have and enjoy real sex again if you can wait that long.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

hifromme67 said:


> I think what everyone is failing to see is the type of porm he is or may be watching? Does she really want to have sex, watch porn with her husband and please him knowing he is searching for teens online? Does everyone not see that this is illegal? Would it be okay for some other man to be searching pictures of her daughters? Where is the common sense here?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No. Its a common term that means 'filter out the grannies'. That's all. Disgusting people that want illegal porn tend to not leave overt evidence on their computer (unless they are really stupid). 

Teen is a distraction here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> It is not illegal. One common category of porn is "teens". Porn producers find those who are at least of legal age (18) and others who still look like they could pass for an 18 or 19 year-old. Personally I think that 18 is still too young to be mature enough to make a wise decision about getting into that business.


Many porn makers will look for girls who may actually be 18, but who actually look far younger than that, and are dressed to look younger. This is to cater to the men who desire under age girls(children).


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Many porn makers will look for girls who may actually be 18, but who actually look far younger than that, and are dressed to look younger. This is to cater to the men who desire under age girls(children).


Yes, and that's disturbing and disgusting.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

WilliamM said:


> Probably. Of course, 21 wasn't much better.
> 
> And there are stories of some who have been used and tossed aside and very sorry they allowed the lure of money to draw them into the sex business. But it is legal.
> 
> As an aside, they changed the voting age from 21 to 18 in the USA because those in Congress realized I was turning 18 that year. They knew my vote would make all the difference in the world, and it was a must.


I agree that 21 is also too young to make such a decision.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Yes, and that's disturbing and disgusting.


Yes and they will justify it saying that is ok, they are 18. Its child porn by another means I guess.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I agree that 21 is also too young to make such a decision.


I always wonder how the men who look at these teens would feel if that was their daughter. :frown2: They are all someones child.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

This is a distraction from the addiction issue, I think.

Even if he was addicted to MILF category women, or BBW, it would make no difference.

And I don't think he is capable of stopping on his own. Saying that is like saying an alcoholic bartender can stop drinking on his own if he really wants to. Maybe there is one out there who can, but I never heard of one. It takes help, removing the addict from the ability to get at the product he craves, and more support along the way.

There actually are groups just for pornography addiction, but recovery should start with professional one on one counseling.

I do not know this site at all, but I know of it's existence:
PornAddictsAnonymous.org, Porn Addicts Anonymous


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I always wonder how the men who look at these teens would feel if that was their daughter. :frown2: They are all someones child.


Good question. I guess they are able to compartmentalize in some way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> This is a distraction from the addiction issue, I think.
> 
> Even if he was addicted to MILF category women, or BBW, it would make no difference.
> 
> ...


Any addicts can stop if they really want to and if they think they may loose what is important to them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> Good question. I guess they are able to compartmentalize in some way.


Maybe they need to think about the morals of that and of the porn industry as a whole.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> My husband and I have been together for 15 1/2 years married for 14. I am, what I think to be at least, a very sexual person. Pretty much willing to try or learn how to do most anything. My husband has always been pretty conservative and sometimes shy about sex. Many years ago I found girls-gone-wild videos. He had been masturbating, apparently, pretty frequently. When I asked him why he decides to do this instead of just coming to bed he didn't seem to have much to say. I am not afraid of porn and was totally willing to watch it with him. I have done this with other partners and have even made videos too. He didn't really show any interest. It caused a big issue then. Over the last couple of years I have found him to be pretty distant. I enjoy sex and want to have it very frequently but he would make excuses. About 2 years ago I found porn on the computer. Teen girls stripping and what not. This just made me angry. I want to be part of it. I don't mind watching it and watching him enjoying it. I just want to be there, not oblivious to it and left out. This turned into a long conversation and he promised me that he wouldn't do it anymore. I even went and subscribed to Adam and Eve and bought stuff to watch together along with other goodies. He showed very little to no interest. Now, over the course of a few months, I could feel the distance in our relationship and his disinterest in sex with me. I asked him about it and he said he is tired, too much on his mind, etc. So I just sit, yearning for sexual contact and I voice my desires and try to do what I can to entice him but more often then not he doesn't want it. He even went as far as to say he thought about testosterone replacement. Two weeks ago, 2 days before our anniversary, I found porn again. Searches included: Teen girls playing with themselves, teen girls stripping, teen Mexican neighbor girl stripping, etc. In the history he watches this stuff at least 2 times a week and has for months. We didn't have sex on our anniversary or for nearly a week after and come to find out he was masturbating instead. He is very critical of my looks. I am 5' 6" and weight 135 lbs with long blonde hair. I feel like I am a pretty average looking woman but I am 36 and not as firm as I used to be. I feel like I am just ugly and disgusting and I can't compete with what he sees and apparently wants more. After I found the porn I asked him to take a drive with me. We went to a look out and I asked him about it. He denied at first until I pulled out the paper with the search history. I told him that I can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling bad about myself since I can't live up to his expectations and I can't spend this part of my life alone. I want someone who is attracted to me someone who is willing to explore and play with me. He told me that he has been doing it since he was young and would do it several times a day and he doesn't know how to quit. That he loves me and doesn't want to loose me but to not take it personal. He told me that sometimes he doesn't feel like he can get hard with me. He said that guys do this all of the time and it isn't about me or anything like that. He say how upset I was and how heartbroken I feel and he told me that he understands and he won't do it anymore since he doesn't want to loose me.
> 
> I am conflicted, broken hearted, angry and scared....
> 
> ...


He watches teen girls ''stripping'' and searches out ''teens'' on the internet? That's cause for alarm, beyond just your marriage, imo.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Alcoholics often loose what is important to them long before they finally hit bottom and seek help. I do not slight them by saying they could have stopped if they had really wanted to before that happened, or by saying what they lost wasn't really important to them.

I have not been addicted, but I have seen addiction. I think professionals would agree that many addicts cannot quit without help, no matter the cost. 

When I was in Junior High School my locker partner was an addict, and paid his life. I'm sure he knew it would kill him. But he wasn't going to stop huffing. Addicts often have no control over what they do.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

google no fap. there a type of movement about the benefits of not masturbating at all or too much. pretty interesting. Like his orgasms will be stronger . 

maybe try to make it light and fun like a contest.....

rule 1 no porn without eachother
2.only think of eachother when ....
3. you have to tell the other when you couldn't help it and then you have to take care of them with no return favor.
4.no cry baby if they fail. 



Let try not to for a week and then have sex you can joke to each other I couldn't help it I was thinking about how you .........


if hes been doing this a while it might be good for him to stop for a couple week and let his body kind of reset and deprogram some of the porn hes used to.


Just some thoughts good luck


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> OP, does your husband have erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation? It occurred to me that sex might cause him performance anxiety, especially if he knows how important it is to you. My apologies if someone else has already asked.


Not that I am aware of. The only thing that I have noticed is that he can't always get fully hard but that doesn't seem to be much of an issue, for me at least. I don't pressure him and he has always been able to finish. At least from what he tells me. He did say that he can't get hard with me when I brought all of this to his attention. He also said he is a visual guy. He has said this many times. I have bought lingerie, dolled myself up, and I even made him a video of me all alone doing a strip tease, since that is the porn he seems to like, then I pleasured myself on the video and he refused to watch it.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Are they his daughters as well? Its very concerning that his searches are for teenagers.
> 
> Porn use is incredibly selfish and self centered. As you have found out its also very damaging for the mind of the one looking and the marriage, and many men like your husband eventually loose the ability to enjoy normal sex with a woman. As for being told that you shouldn't feel 'less than' because of the women in the porn, of COURSE you will feel that.Its natural, a husbands eyes and desires should be for his wife.
> 
> ...


Yes they are our daughters. 

Do you really know that he stops though. I have found that people tend to be more sneaky if they feel like they can loose something and since he already said he wouldn't do it again and now he is I don't have trust or faith that he will. When I asked him about this and how can I believe him this time, he said "well last time I didn't know it bothered you this much." I felt like I was crystal clear about it then and now.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

badsanta said:


> One part about porn that may do something for him that you are unable to offer is that aspect that it is perhaps a "forbidden fruit" so to speak. If he now promised to stop, he know "something" is wrong and that he should not be doing it. This in turn can create a huge adrenaline rush to do it again, particularly if you are home and there is a possibility of him getting caught. Combine adrenaline with other sexual hormones that give you arousal and pleasure and it is quite an experience! And while I refrain from using the word addictive, it can be extremely difficult to reproduce this dynamic of sex with a spouse when everything is known and comfortable.
> 
> If this is what is happening, perhaps it may be difficult for him to understand the dynamics of adrenaline and sexuality that would cause him to say, "you are asking me questions that I can't answer" when you ask him about it.
> 
> ...


I think that is a big part of it already. We only have a small house and I know, by the search history, that I have been home during those times. So I am afraid that he is already at that level and with the thought of me "forbidding" it the desire will only get worse. I am scared to have him out of my sight and that isn't a good feeling to have. 

What happens when sneaking around with porn isn't enough. It is a real fear that I have. He says he hasn't and would never actually cheat on me but if he can't help himself with this how do I know he has that self control. We are only 14 years in and I got married with the thought of staying married. If he can't find me desirable now at 36 what is it going to be like in 10 years.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think so for real addicts. In fact I think one of the definitions of being addicted is that someone can't stop even if they want to. 

Its a strange concept to someone who has not experienced addition: why can't you just not smoke a cigarette? Why can't you choose not to drink? For an addict, the really can't - at least not for long. Often they are fully aware that they are destroying their lives, but they cannot make themselves stop. 






Diana7 said:


> Any addicts can stop if they really want to and if they think they may loose what is important to them.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm not worried about searches for "teens". That is a common term. The searches for underage girls would have used more obvious keywords - and he wouldn't likely find those on the open internet. 

I'm not too worried about his "progressing" to wanting sex with other women. He doesn't even want sex with his wife - and she is right there. Porn provides immediate gratification, I don't seem him stopping that to go find sex with a real woman. (who is likely far less desirable than his wife anyway).

I do worry that he is so addicted to porn that he can't stop, and that will ruin their marriage.


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## AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe (Apr 25, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I'm not worried about searches for "teens". That is a common term. The searches for underage girls would have used more obvious keywords - and he wouldn't likely find those on the open internet.
> 
> I'm not too worried about his "progressing" to wanting sex with other women. He doesn't even want sex with his wife - and she is right there. Porn provides immediate gratification, I don't seem him stopping that to go find sex with a real woman. (who is likely far less desirable than his wife anyway).
> 
> I do worry that he is so addicted to porn that he can't stop, and that will ruin their marriage.


I am worried about that too. I am worried that porn is a gateway drug.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> I am worried about that too. I am worried that porn is a gateway drug.


It's important to treat his addiction as just that, though. Trying to compete for his attention, only tells him that what he's doing is somewhat normal, and it's not. No matter what you do, his addiction will win out. Occasional porn viewing, meh...but, this is way more than occasional, and it's affecting your sex life with him. He prefers porn and masturbation to having sex with you. So, I think it's important to discuss all of this with him, and not allow him to make you feel like you're the one with the problem. If he were a meth addict, he'd not be telling you to 'not take it personally.' Same thing, only with porn. It's not personal to you, but it's affecting you. Hope things get better for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Alcoholics often loose what is important to them long before they finally hit bottom and seek help. I do not slight them by saying they could have stopped if they had really wanted to before that happened, or by saying what they lost wasn't really important to them.
> 
> I have not been addicted, but I have seen addiction. I think professionals would agree that many addicts cannot quit without help, no matter the cost.
> 
> When I was in Junior High School my locker partner was an addict, and paid his life. I'm sure he knew it would kill him. But he wasn't going to stop huffing. Addicts often have no control over what they do.


Of course they do. Many have stopped porn use/drugs/smoking/drinking. Its a choice in the end.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I don't think so for real addicts. In fact I think one of the definitions of being addicted is that someone can't stop even if they want to.
> 
> Its a strange concept to someone who has not experienced addition: why can't you just not smoke a cigarette? Why can't you choose not to drink? For an addict, the really can't - at least not for long. Often they are fully aware that they are destroying their lives, but they cannot make themselves stop.


I used to smoke and nicotine is supposed to be highly addictive. I did it for my children's health. People choose to stop letting their addictions rule them all the time. If I was given the choice of my marriage or whatever it was, I would make sure I got help and stopped, but unless porn users are faced with this choice they have no reason to stop.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> Yes they are our daughters.
> 
> Do you really know that he stops though. I have found that people tend to be more sneaky if they feel like they can loose something and since he already said he wouldn't do it again and now he is I don't have trust or faith that he will. When I asked him about this and how can I believe him this time, he said "well last time I didn't know it bothered you this much." I felt like I was crystal clear about it then and now.


Look into programmes that block internet porn to the house. Our internet provider does that automatically if we ask. Its simple. Also get his passwords and agree to rules about his internet use. Have the supply pf porn cut off.
Tell him clearly and calmly that you will not accept this any more and that the marriage may end if he carries on. Give him the choice, you or the porn.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I'm sorry but the fact that he wants to or searches for underage girls is a big red flag. I can see the attraction to why men would want to look at younger woman and I know men are visual but any decent guy is going to see a young girl, he may instantly think she's attractive but he will shut that thinking down immediately and train himself to not let his mind wander or linger on things that are immoral and wrong, and you would think especially a man with a teenage daughter himself. Any man that doesn't I'm sorry to say ,is a borderline pedophile. They may never act on it but if the thoughts are there and they feel it's okay to let them fester and cultivate them, then they have a problem. IMO I know men are visually stimulated and sometime where their eyes go is involuntary, but the do have control of over them and they can train the self to not have immoral thoughts about other woman and most definitely not about children.

I know some men are going to react badly to this and frankly if you take offence to someone saying it's wrong to fantasy or masterbate to underage girls well then I guess we have to agree to disagree. This is just my opinion, it might not be yours but that's ok we an agree to disagree. I have gone through this porn issue with my husbands for the last year, and yes his use was selfish and cowardly as we did not have a good sex life, part my fault, and he was to shy to bring to my attention to his need for a healthy sex life. He told me what really hit home was when he thought about his own daughter. How he used the girls in the porn for his own sexual needs and would he want another man to use his daughter that way. How feeding this industry, feeds the abuse and degradation of woman and frankly of men and the institution of marriage. Sex is meant to be something you share and experince with the person you love and vow to spend your life with, not a quick "yank" fest late at night in front of the computer while your family is asleep. Most men feel ashamed and embarrassed about their porn use as it's a dirty habit, not unlike drugs. And yes there is responsibly porn made and upon viewing what my husband looked at it was alway labeled that they were all overage and was pretty mild with no degrading scenes to the women.

I am in not way saying that men that get hooked on porn are bad men, they are just like drug addicts and have lost their way. It's very addictive and many woman lose their way in marriage by forsaking men's sexual side and not meeting and fulfilling that need. It's a terrible place for a marriage to be in, and my husband and i have struggled for a year to move past this. To try to rebuilt trust and hurt feeling. To try to keep our family intact so that our kids dont have to suffer for my husband selfishness and my laziness and naivety for not understanding that my husband needed the sexual aspect of our relationship. It has caused more heartache and pain than i have every felt in my life and I know it has greatly hurt my husband as I have never seen him cry before until he finally realized how much damaged and pain he had done to me and ultimately to our children and our family.

I just want to add that i am not in any way saying men are "bad " for having sexual thought. After reading the book, The Male Brain: A Breakthrough Understanding of How Men and Boys Think by Louann Brizendine. I really have a new respect for what men have to go through on a daily bases to keep their thoughts pure and to ultimately devote themselves to putting all their sexual energy into their wife. The male brain is so bombarded with images and thoughts of sex and with the way sex is splashed all over the place it's like putting a kid in the candy store and telling them don't think about or touch anything. I think a lot of woman take this for granted as we or at least I don't have near the sexual thoughts during the day that my husband has or i would imagine he has.

OP, if your husbands porn use interferes with your guys sex life it's a problem that needs to be stopped. You can block all the internet before it comes into the house. Your husband should give you all access to any of his electronics that connect to the internet and you can put blocks on them. He should get rid of all porn that he may have hidden around the house, and i can guarantee you that he does. I would not give up on my spouse for having an addiction which is what this is, but i would walk away from someone who refuses to help themselves and do what is necessary to overcome an addiction. I wish you all the best. I have been where you are right now, it's not easy.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

@Daisy12 Where does it say he wants to look at underage girls? I can't find it.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I think his searches where for "teens" . I may be wrong about that so correct me if I am . To me a "teen" means underage. 

Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

WilliamM said:


> Yes, teen is just a simple term for younger looking women. Generally it means like the girl next door style. Small breasts, no tattoos, smiling, thin as a rail, simple hair style. It's a style.
> 
> So pay no attention. Even my wife likes teen as a search term, and we are old. We don't like breast implants, and about the only place to make sure you don't get those is in the teen categories.
> 
> There's nothing illegal about 18 and 19 year old girls, and anyone who wants to go on about the idea teen sites have younger girls than that can go to the feds with their evidence. More power to them, but beating that drum here is just silly.


I (somewhat) disagree. While legal, it's still disconcerting, as they have an almost 14 year old daughter at home, as well as her similarly aged friends.

It certainly doesn't insinuate he's a pedophile in any way, however the objectification of younger (or younger-looking) women would be cause for concern.

The fact that he has a sexually-maturing daughter of his own, and has a thing for porn, period (never mind the type he's looking at) shows a strong disconnect with reality, IMO.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Ok...OP's husband is a porn addict, adulterer and a pedophile. Here's another theory...he has some unresolved psychological issues where he uses porn to self-sooth rather than take control and address the underlying problems because he is lazy and incapable of uncomfortable communication with his wife.

I don't know much about porn addiction, adultery or pedophilia ...I do know about the importance of communication and counseling when 2 people become disconnected, preferably done in a grown up and non-hysterical manner (I am pointing the finger at myself here), particularly when there are children involved. If there are no changes or concerted effort to change - it is time to amicably part for the sake of the children.

I personally would give it 12 months and I do agree that in the short term put restrictions on his internet activities until he gets his **** together.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> If he can't find me desirable now at 36 what is it going to be like in 10 years.


If there is one thing that is undesirable it is a woman that feels undesirable. If there is one thing that is extremely desirable it is a woman that feels extremely desirable.

Age has very little to do with it. Now obviously your husband searching for "teen" porn would seem to contradict that, but I would argue that your husband perhaps has not yet learned the difference between a teen that lives a life of naive sexual self destruction and a mature woman with extraordinary sexual self confidence.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> If there is one thing that is undesirable it is a woman that feels undesirable. If there is one thing that is extremely desirable it is a woman that feels extremely desirable.


She wants sex and wasn't shy to entice him.

The porn made her undesirable in her husband's eyes.

If your wife talks sexy to other men, show affection to them and sends sexy pictures to other men ...and she refuses to even let you see her naked,
Won't you feel undesirable?

To me, porn is just a fancy word for online prostitute.
A wife sending naked pictures and videos of herself to other men is cheating. A men using online prostitutes is also cheating.

Even when both wife and husband did not touch other people.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Happykat said:


> She wants sex and wasn't shy to entice him.
> 
> *The porn made her undesirable in her husband's eyes.*
> 
> ...


THIS to me is one of the HUGE problems with porn, and that is that it is so easy for people to point the finger of blame at the porn itself as if IT created all the problems. Even the OP's husband assumes that just quitting porn will solve everything in that he said, "I just won't do it any more. It's not worth my marriage." 

So sure, he can quit the porn and all problems solved...

What happens if he does give up porn completely, two years go by and @AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe is still hurt because her husband never compliments her. Who is the one responsible for her being a confident about herself? I'm not shifting the blame here, but just highlighting that self confidence is something that should come from within and then be shared with others. A person's confidence should not be solely dependent upon those around them. In my opinion it is simply about learning to be optimistic and sincerely feeling grateful for the value of our failures when we are unable to accomplish our goal.

I once took an advanced art course in college. The professor made the syllabus in such a way that we were required to fail on at least two projects in order to receive a perfect grade for the course. Understanding why the professor required us to fail was probably the most profound lesson I have ever learned in life. To put it simply, one can never improve themselves unless they push themselves to to do something uncomfortable and likely to result in failure. The result is that it takes a great deal of self confidence for one to learn how to embrace the likelihood of failure in a very positive and life changing way.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In the world of porn, "teen" doesn't mean underage, it means relatively young, college aged. I suspect the typical porn "teen" is 25. 

Underage porn is extremely rare on normal sites - its highly illegal and the major sites don't want to risk that for the tiny market. There are places to find underage porn - I assume you need to hunt around and join online groups or something to get invited in. Ignoring the illegality, its of no interest to me so I don't know how someone would find these (and I don't want to know). I only know that they exist from news stories of the FBI shutting them down. 


I'm not saying that what the OPs husband is doing is OK, but I don't see any sign that what he is doing is illegal, or anything more than a typical porn search. I don't think it makes sense to confuse the real problem with things that are probably not true. 





Daisy12 said:


> I think his searches where for "teens" . I may be wrong about that so correct me if I am . To me a "teen" means underage.
> 
> Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Possible, but I think unlikely. 

I think porn is about instant gratification. Having an affair / hiring a prostitute takes effort, its a very different thing. Also I expect that his porn addiction has so replace his normal sexual interests that he doesn't really want sex with anyone. 

Porn presents an impossible fantasy - no one is like that. A prostitute will not seem interesting to him because she wouldn't look / act like a porn star. 

He might be able to pay thousands for a high end call girl who could act like that for him, but I suspect that is out of his budget range, and would take so much effort to set up that he would never do it.


I've watched a lot of porn over the years (side effect of a nearly sexless marriage) and I've never been tempted by prostitutes. I have plenty of opportunity (lots of business trips) and plenty of cash, but its just not appealing. I could imagine having an affair - but that is because I'm constantly being turned down for sex, I haven't chosen porn over sex. 






AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> I am worried about that too. I am worried that porn is a gateway drug.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some can, some can't. Do you think you were addicted to cigarettes? 

I know someone with a gambling addiction. They described driving on a street and as the were about to pass a casino, the car seem to just drive itself into the parking lot. The didn't want to , but just found themselves walking in - knowing that they would lose every bit of money they had. She knew she was addicted and simply could not bring herself to stop even though she knew it was destroying her life. 

Some people are susceptible to addiction, some are not. 




Diana7 said:


> I used to smoke and nicotine is supposed to be highly addictive. I did it for my children's health. People choose to stop letting their addictions rule them all the time. If I was given the choice of my marriage or whatever it was, I would make sure I got help and stopped, but unless porn users are faced with this choice they have no reason to stop.


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## Tyvinjoot (Jul 13, 2017)

Addiction is hard to conquer. Speak with him straight to the point tell the truth about what you feel about his actions, ask him to seek help via counseling or therapy.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Firstly. So sorry you are going through this. 

My best friend's husband struggles with porn. Long term use and porn addiction literally changes the way you view sex and how your brain is wired. My friend is super HD and would have crazy monkey sex multiple times a day, and she is beautiful. She has had many previous satisfied partners. It has NOTHING to do with her. He suffers from ED and PE when he is with a real girl and not his hand. He is in his 20s... Her husband refuses to kiss her more than a peck or touch her vagina at all. He asks for blow jobs, and only wants quickie pounding sex for him, no foreplay or anything. He has been porn free for a couple years now, and this is still a constant issue. They fought and fought over this issue and she pays for a subscription to a program that blocks and watches his computer/phone use. She can see everything. Even years later she says if she took the blocks off that he would be viewing it again that same day. She doesn't trust him in the slightest, and he constantly looks/lusts after other girls. He recently informed her that he is attracted to her younger sister! Creepy! If he doesn't see porn as a problem for him, what is to keep him from cheating on her when a real girl comes on to him? 

The facts are you husband is not just going to quit this because it hurts you. It is a real and serious addiction. If you want to have any hope of a happy marriage he needs to go counseling ASAP. You need to install blocks on his computer, and it is going to be a constant struggle.

Personally. I think a relationship is based on trust. I would not tolerate having to be constantly worrying about what my husband is up to. It would make me go crazy. 

You need to make your line in the sand. Set a time limit. He needs to get professional help. If he doesn't open up about this and take the steps to work on it within a short time period it is time for you to move on. This won't magically get better, it just gets worse. You deserve better!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Firstly. So sorry you are going through this.
> 
> My best friend's husband struggles with porn. Long term use and porn addiction literally changes the way you view sex and how your brain is wired. My friend is super HD and would have crazy monkey sex multiple times a day, and she is beautiful. She has had many previous satisfied partners. It has NOTHING to do with her. He suffers from ED and PE when he is with a real girl and not his hand. He is in his 20s... Her husband refuses to kiss her more than a peck or touch her vagina at all. He asks for blow jobs, and only wants quickie pounding sex for him, no foreplay or anything. He has been porn free for a couple years now, and this is still a constant issue. They fought and fought over this issue and she pays for a subscription to a program that blocks and watches his computer/phone use. She can see everything. Even years later she says if she took the blocks off that he would be viewing it again that same day. She doesn't trust him in the slightest, and he constantly looks/lusts after other girls. He recently informed her that he is attracted to her younger sister! Creepy! If he doesn't see porn as a problem for him, what is to keep him from cheating on her when a real girl comes on to him?
> 
> ...


I have to wonder why your friend puts up with all this. :frown2::frown2::frown2:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Some can, some can't. Do you think you were addicted to cigarettes?
> 
> I know someone with a gambling addiction. They described driving on a street and as the were about to pass a casino, the car seem to just drive itself into the parking lot. The didn't want to , but just found themselves walking in - knowing that they would lose every bit of money they had. She knew she was addicted and simply could not bring herself to stop even though she knew it was destroying her life.
> 
> Some people are susceptible to addiction, some are not.


Of course I was addicted. 
If we want to stop then we will.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

AwifeAmotherWhataboutMe said:


> After I found the porn I asked him to take a drive with me. We went to a look out and I asked him about it. He denied at first until I pulled out the paper with the search history. I told him that I can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling bad about myself since I can't live up to his expectations and I can't spend this part of my life alone.


I don't mean to be harsh, but the answer is because the girls on the internet won't do this to him. That's the truth a lot of the time as to why men 'choose porn over their wife'. Because he knows that he doesn't have to deal with guilt, insecurity, and the more 'female emotions' when he's looking at women online. He just switches off the computer, and that's that. 

I'm afraid I do this too (although not with porn) with my wife. Because sex with her doesn't feel fun and exciting, and that has absolutely nothing to do with how she looks (she looks fantastic), nor really how adventurous your partner is. It feels like somebody is throwing their insecurities at you, and yelling "catch!".


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I have to wonder why your friend puts up with all this. :frown2::frown2::frown2:


I wonder that too. 

Also she just had a baby 10 weeks ago. She said they didn't have sex for 4 months during/after the last bit of pregnancy. After the 6 weeks she told her husband it had been 6 weeks and she was okayed to have sex finally. And he said "oh wow, already?" 

I am urging her to get counseling and figure out her life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I wonder that too.
> 
> Also she just had a baby 10 weeks ago. She said they didn't have sex for 4 months during/after the last bit of pregnancy. After the 6 weeks she told her husband it had been 6 weeks and she was okayed to have sex finally. And he said "oh wow, already?"
> 
> I am urging her to get counseling and figure out her life.


Good idea. Why does she stay with a man who acts so appallingly?


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

I understand both parties. 
Best thing is to SIT DOWN and be open about it. 
It takes 2 to tango and if he doesn't want to play ball there's little else to do. 
Pornography masturbation is a HUGE addiction with huge consequences to both physical as well as psychological behaviour. I know this out of my own experience. 
One way to deal with it is if he is keen to be open about it to have no internet access except while with you. 
It takes a brain months at least if not years to reset and get turned on by the partner. 
As males we are easily stressed and seek quick release and pornography is just that. Everything we SEE around us turns us on at a degree which NO FEMALE regular or psychologist can ever understand. In the same way males don't understand how a female gets turned on is so different than us. 

My take: 
-install a HD spycam to record his room
-talk to him about it openly firmly but constructively 
-challenge him, tell him about your needs

May not sound easy but it will give results. 
As for underage pornography i suggest if he does tgat he best stops it and physically destroys any evidence before too late and has his life destroyed. Police won't forgive him and neither society.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

Dead set. 
Couldn't have said it better myself. However i felt into it also partly because of my partner who DOES NOT share an interest in sex. 
However let's not blame the other party. Yes males are very visual and choose the easy way out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

@Tyvinjoot, you may have missed that this thread is* 3 months old*, and the original poster hasn't posted since April 25th.


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