# I don't know how to be erotic, hurting my marriage.



## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

I have been with my husband 5 years, married for a few months. So we are newlyweds in a way, but have been together so long, that we're past that stage, if that makes sense.

We have had some sexual "issues" for a long time. It's always bothered my husband, but he tries not to let it get to him and accept me for who I am. He tries to put it out of his mind and make the best of it, but it always comes back up. It came up recently for the first time since we've been married.

My husband wants me to be more sexy, erotic, seductive, etc. He feels i'm not in touch with my sexuality and have no idea how to be erotic or seductive. It's not an issue of sex iteself, but rather having a sexual presence and taking control of our sexual relationship.

We have sex and it's good when we do have it. We have it fairly regularly i'd say. Usually he initiates it, which I prefer and feel most comfortable with. I've been initiating more over the last year because he was getting tired of being the only one. But it is certainly not even. But i've gotten better with that. For the most part, I am happy to have sex whenever he wants to and rarely turn him down. I participate and am alive, you could say, during it. I feel that's pretty good and I am happy with that. My needs are met by this and I feel like our sexual situation is much better than some couples.

But that's not enough anymore. He wants more. He wants me to just know how to seduce him, be a vixen, take charge sexually, and freely unleash. But the problem is that I can't say I really want to change that element of myself. I am a goofy, silly, and sweet girl. I like to go out dancing and dress sexy, but as far as making that a way of life daily, it feel so foreign to me. I don't know how to be that way and don't think it should be that big of a problem. But it's starting to affect our marriage. He even said he finds himself looking for that elsewhere because I can't seem to do that for him. 

Essentially, I'm responsive and into to it if he wants it, but I'm not really proactive or "make" it happen.

We just moved and have been stressed and our lives are in a rut. But he says it's not an excuse, as it's been a problem for a long time. And he's right.

I don't know how, feel uncomfortable and ridiculous to me, and it feels so strange to me. It doesn't come naturally to me and I can't seem to get there. I wouldn't even say i'm all that sexual of a person...I don't masturbate ever and I don't have any sexy fantasies or anything. It's weird.

What should I do? Help!

Btw, I'm 24 years old. Healthy and fit. We have a 3 year old son which certainly has changed our sex life some, but not to the point where we should have this problem.

I thought it would have gotten better with marriage.


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

Well yes and no. It's been for awhile and we've gone thru periods of him trying to accept it and me trying to improve, but nothing changes. I suppose I'm not motivated enough and it feels unnatural. But he proposed because he loves me to death and can't be without me. In his words..."that's the only thing missing and you're almost perfect." He's only half serious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he watch a lot of porn? It sounds like he might and is getting ideas from it.

How is the rest of your relationship? How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy?

Do both of you have jobs? Or is one of you the bread winner?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What did he mean when said he's starting to look elsewhere for it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Could be porn or another woman he's attracted to, or even hearing stories from his coworkers. Nothing wrong with finding your inner whoour. It can light a fire to your sex life and marriage. 

He needs to cut the [email protected] about looking else where. I would bet it's frustrated bluster to create dread in you.

You can reach deep for that inner sex goddess. It's in all woman. Once he gets a taste of her, all that talk about looking else where will disappear.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You have just described my marriage, beauty. Eerily so. I'm also not an initiator by nature, but I am fully sexually functional and always enjoy it, once initiated. My now ex-husband sat back, even though I told him this from the beginning, and waited and hoped for me to regularly initiate it, anyway. He eventually stopped telling me all the many ways I should change myself sexually to be more interesting and erotic and just started resenting me. And then he had an affair with a woman who was more than happy to throw herself at him, I personally feel because she was desperate to not be alone, and because she doesn't have that much else to offer as a human being. They have pretty much nothing else in common, but he left me (and our son) for her, anyway.

I don't have any advice for you that you're going to want to hear (i.e, what I wish I'd done when I first realized how really incompatible we were in this regard). Just want you to know I know exactly what you're going through, and my heart hurts for you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

As the male of the species, we've evolved to initiate. The male is the active, the female is the reactive. But that doesn't mean we don't want to be wanted. In the beginning of a relationship woman initiate more but as time goes by, they back off which causes men to feel unwanted.

Remember the song by Cheap Trick, I want you to want me. Listen to the lyrics. That's how many men feel. The woman that understand and act on it will usually have husbands that worship the ground their wives walk on.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

beautymadness23 said:


> Well yes and no. It's been for awhile and we've gone thru periods of him trying to accept it and me trying to improve, but nothing changes. I suppose I'm not motivated enough and it feels unnatural. But he proposed because he loves me to death and can't be without me. In his words..."that's the only thing missing and you're almost perfect." He's only half serious.


I wonder how he would like being critiqued; "your almost perfect, except for this, that, the other thing, and oh yeah, maybe this too".

I say you don't need to change and be somebody you aren't.

he has some growing up to do!


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

He does not watch porn and is not pursuing another woman or trying anything. When be said that, be meant that the temptation is there sometimes has a hard time making s move when be knows he could...but ONLY because I can't meet that need. Hr hasn't and I don't think he would, he said he'd never hurt me like that. He wants that from me and only me. 

He's always working or with me and To be frank, he tends to be to exhausted for sex sometimes. But I think he wants me to light the fire and get our sex drive back Into high gear, but that would take tapping into the aggressive/asserive side of me, if she's in there, and morphing into a sexual goddess who takes his breath away and amazes him. I'd love to do that, believe me I would, but I just don't feel like it's in me and I've accepted that and try to put my energy elsewhere.

I've been like this a long time. I don't know why. I've never thought to myself....this is a big problem with serious consequences. It's been more like...it'd be nice to be a natural at that like some girls, but thats just not me and it hasn't affected my relationships in the past negatively, so I can live with it. It's comfortable and seems to work for me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If that's not your speed, then you find other ways to show your love. I recommend you and hubby read the Love Language book. It can help you both find each others love language. Maybe after he knows your love language and give you what you need, you might find the desire to occasionally unleash your inner $lut. She's in there dieing to get out. It's better to unleash her on your husband than years later during an affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beautymadness23 said:


> He's always working or with me and To be frank, he tends to be to exhausted for sex sometimes. *But I think he wants *me to light the fire and get our sex drive back Into high gear, but that would take tapping into the aggressive/asserive side of me, if she's in there, and morphing into a sexual goddess who takes his breath away and amazes him. I'd love to do that, believe me I would, but I just don't feel like it's in me and I've accepted that and try to put my energy elsewhere.


That underlined part... it's a version of "do something to make me want you."

A lot of this is that he's lost interest? Why? Could be just that you two have been together for a while. It could be that he's exhausted most of the time. He could be getting low T.

How many hours a week is he working? Why is he so tired from work that he's not interested in sex as much as he used to be?

You might want to find a counselor who is a sex therapist .. for both of you. This is not a minor problem. He's telling you that he's not satisfied with your sex life and he wants you to fix it. Well, you cannot fix it yourself. It will take the two of you. So find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think you should read the post by nomorebeans 3 times, sleep on it and read it again.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

What does he do for you to inspire you to be more erotic? Does he tell you your sexy? Or make you feel sexy? Or does he just lie there waiting for a show? Threaten and scare you that he's going to cheat?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This ought to be a two way street. If he makes comments about looking elsewhere you should tell him it doesn't give you any incentive to want to do anything for him and perhaps you might consider looking for someone who likes you just the way you are! He sounds somewhat selfish and naive.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

So your husband has an issue with the sex life, marries you anyway, and then months later implies he might look to get laid elsewhere.

Your husband sounds like an *******.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Forgive me, but I'm having a hard time understanding what it is that your husband finds lacking. Is it as simple as you maybe purchasing and wearing some lingerie from Victoria Secret? My wife commonly did this and I must say that it was plenty sexy and erotic. Most men can't resist a nice Teddy or a garter belt and some sexy stockings.

If that's what he's looking for, it seems like a fairly easy "fix". How about a change of venue for sex - a hotel, your car, your back porch, the Living Room for example. Having children does put a crimp in things and usually results in having to settle into some kind of mundane routine to have normal sex but it can be addressed with a little imagination.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Beauty may i say you sound perfect, I would kill to meet a woman like you lol and sorry ur needing advice at this time. First of all those women with those attributes u mentioned were all like u at one time. yes maybe they were 15 not 24 so it will come at some point. Especially when u get more confident. I think his half hearted attempt to threaten an end was him trying to get u to take more control. Try to remember usually the one to initiates is usually in control and the person in control is the person responsible. So if he always initiates and you or he thinks the sex was not up to par then its his fault. Also since he is working so much he may want sex but not to do all the work. And most men are clueless about women and we learn better by watching instead of doing, so if he could see what you like he may get better at giving it to u. Slightly off subject if you want to learn to take charge in the future I recommend being submissive at some point. (I love roll play but do not recommend pain of any kind and think you must trust someone completely and this can build trust as you will both have someone to talk to about deep fantasies) Good luck


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Beauty, do you think he wants you to wear some sexy teddy or something like that? Or does he want you to be more adventurous in bed? Maybe, he wants you in skin tight dresses and 6 inches heel. Strutting about with a sway on your hip and red lips. LOL

Ask him?

The sexy teddies are an easy fix. My husband was just telling me to get some knew ones. The old ones have lost their appeal and served their time. JUST buy some and on a Tuesday night when he is lest expecting it, wear it to bed.

I used to be the most stiff thing alive when I was younger. Still am to a certain extend. I cannot walk with a sway to my hips and refuse to wear any thing that makes me took like a tramp (no offense to anyone, if you can...more power to yea) But I love me some beautiful red shoes and some Mac red lips. I let my h close his eyes and then, set my set up and then, come get me baby. He loves it. I might not be able to walk 2 steps but who cares. 

My secret to becoming more adventurous in bed, don't tell anyone. I read erotica. Writers like Shayla Black, Megan Hart and I love me a good Nora Roberts(not erotica). When I feel like I am in a rut. I download a new one. Keeps me inspired.

If at anytime, you feel like your husband is trying to change who you are by indicating you should do something that you know will hurt or damage the person you are, put a stop to it. Do not let anyone change you.
You sound like a wonderful person. Keep being who you are, just with a added bit of spice. Hope my ranting helps.


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

Mostlycontent, it is not an issue of me just wearing lingerie. I can do that. But I think he hopes i'll turn into some kind of sex kitten or vixen magically, and it doesn't happen. I'm still kind of goofy and awkward. That's my personality. Guys in the past have liked that and have not had a problem with my lack of aggression...but then again, we were not together as long as my husband and I have been.

I can do those things you list, which are great ideas, but my sexual personality does not transform, in a sense. It's like having the tools to do it, but not knowing or feeling comfortable using them.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I am the same. Goofy and awkward. I LOVE sex, but I am not a sex kitten. I can't give a smoldering look, or lick my lips seductively. I can't do a strip tease, or prance about in high heels. 

Well I can do those things. But they are goofy, playful, and awkward. That is my style for everything, in and out of the bedroom. Which might be fine for some, but are not sexy to my husband. It's just how I am, and it does hurt when it's not good enough. Especially if you try. Husband will tell me to do something, and I will try it, and then he will say, "that's not working" or "don't make that face, it's not sexy." Criticisms which aren't exactly encouraging. 

It seems like I spend a lot of time asking him if it's working, or if he likes it, or apologizing because I can't do it right. I am not confident in bed, which just feeds the cycle. I can't get anymore confident, when I don't feel like I get any good feedback. It's a turn off. And then you come to sex with all this baggage, wondering if you are boring, or not good enough. Especially if they are like my husband and physically show it's not doing it for them by loosing their erection.

I'd prefer to be submissive and let him lead. Not him lie back with his arms behind his head and demand I do xyz while he watches with judging eyes.

I will wear lingerie, or try such and such position. But like beautymadness I can have the tools but I don't suddenly transform into a sex goddess. It's not for lack of effort, it's just not natural to me. 

I want to learn. I would love to be one of those girls who can make their husband drool by just wearing something seductive and doing a bit of catwalking. But it just isn't so. 

I guess I need to read more books. Do they give classes somewhere? lol


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

Thecuriouswife....it is so nice to know I am not the only one. I wish my husband would tell me more what he wants me to do, like yours does, but he thinks that's too robotic and forced. He wants it to flow and come natural, and it just doesn't...I need more direction, and even then, it's hit and miss.

He says, "well when you don't like something about yourself, you should try and change it." And i'm thinking...I don't think it's a matter of me not liking that about myself. I don't mind it and i've accepted it. Other men have not had a problem with it. 

I'm supposed to come to him in a few days with some kind of "solution" and I just don't know what to say. I'm at a loss.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Well when I say he tells me what to do, he says something like, "Do something sexy." 

Not much direction. Like you I'd prefer, "Touch here, rub this way, make this pose, etc."


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## laara (Aug 14, 2015)

I was lucky enough for my sexual education to be with an older man who taught me to relish the other person, their body, their responses and to look at making love an art form. 

I have the opposite problem with me initiating making love and have tried over the years to teach my husband how to approach making love the same way and it has worked. 

After your sons gone to bed, and after you've generally planned a night when neither of you are too tired and for me I like being freshly showered, soft lighting and music) try starting with a long slow kiss. I mean 20 minutes of kissing nibbling, licking.... Then think of his body as a wonderland to touch, explore, kiss, and taste. Watch how he responds and have fun. 

I also like to pick a similar night and start with asking and sharing what he and I liked and not so much. It's a safe place to have those essential talks that nurture a healthy sex life.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think you need to decide if you want to be more erotic / sexy, more of a seductress. If he is threatening to go elsewhere that isn't much motivation. 

If you do want to, you can - but its up to you if you want to try.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

beautymadness,
My wife was exactly the same way. I would always pester her about HER initiating and her being more sexy, etc. Just as you say.
In fact, it got so bad she actually told me "I wish I could just buy you a prostitute."

I'm going to shock you with my answer. I say it's your husbands fault, just as it was my fault in my marriage.

You have the sexy, erotic, vixen inside you. However, your husband is not doing what he needs to do to bring it out. Putting pressure on you and demanding xyz is only going to make it worse and put undue pressure on you.

What your husband needs to do is love you for who you are and gently and confidently coax out your inner ****. 

Which husband would you react better to?

1. You're not sexy enough. Tell me your fantiasies. I want you to do this in bed. Don't you want to make me happy? Act like this, do this. Why don't you ever ask ME to have sex? I want you to be like that girl on tv. Act like her. That's what I want. Give it to me.

2. You ARE sexy. You are the sexiest woman I know. I want to make love to you and ONLY you.
I want to rock your world and make you cum harder than you've ever cum in your life. I am so glad I married you. He then gently but firmly grabs you and pulls you toward himself with a gleam in his eye.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

beautymadness23 said:


> Thecuriouswife....it is so nice to know I am not the only one. I wish my husband would tell me more what he wants me to do, like yours does, but he thinks that's too robotic and forced. He wants it to flow and come natural, and it just doesn't...I need more direction, and even then, it's hit and miss.
> 
> He says, "well when you don't like something about yourself, you should try and change it." And i'm thinking...I don't think it's a matter of me not liking that about myself. I don't mind it and i've accepted it. Other men have not had a problem with it.
> 
> I'm supposed to come to him in a few days with some kind of "solution" and I just don't know what to say. I'm at a loss.



Here is your solution:

Print these articles and make him read them.

The Arousal Principle: The Complexity And Simplicity Of Female Erotic Desire*|*Pamela Madsen

do you know when you want it? | the dirty normal

Your husband lacks a realistic view of sexuality and has "bought into" the porn fallacy, whether he currently watches porn or not, porn has informed him of a false view of female sexuality.

You, my dear, are perfect and perfectly normal and the next time he attempts to make you feel stunted, less than, or incapable, tell him Aunt Pink is going to spank his naughty ass! Because your husband sounds like a closet sexual submissive and he wants you to be the sexual dominant.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Ok, so this guy has been with you 5 years, made a baby with you and finally married you, but now he wants you to *change*??? If things were so bad _why_ did he marry you?

To top it off, he says he is willing to look elsewhere for what he wants. He told you he is looking to divorce or cheat. He sounds like a real jerk! 

He knew exactly who you were when he married you and now wants you to change who you are to make him happy, no matter how uncomfortable and unnatural it is for you. You likely feel trapped since you have this kid to raise and have invested so much time in this relationship, basically all of your adult life. 

The way I see it, you have two options. Either do what he wants no matter how negatively it effects you (since he has made it clear your feelings do not matter to him) just to keep him around knowing that it still may not work _or_ you can get into counseling to find out if this is a deal breaker or if there is some way to come to a compromise. 

In my experience, if a man *needs* a particular something to be sexually satisfied with his wife he will either get it somewhere else or become a seething, resentful husband and father who is torture to live with.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

BM, hell no, I am no sex kitten. I cant walk in those shoes. I wear them and stand there, he gets all hot. 

I am the girl who falls over her own feet and the post always walks into me. I have no sway in my hips, they are stiff as board. I will never try to strip, yikes, that will just end up bad with someone getting hurt or laughing their head off. 

It's just an act. He know that, he knows it not me but He likes when I try. 

I like the books because they warm my juices up. That's why so many people read them.

It's all up to you with what you are comfortable doing. Don't make him push you into anything unwillingly. 

Like UMP says all the time, he can ask, suggest, hint. If you don't want to, then there is nothing he can do.

Have a talk about what he wants exactly. Don't let this become a you only problem to solve. Maybe you should tie his butt up and leave him there and go for a walk. Come back three hours later and whip his as*, that should be really exciting. Anyway, he needs to tell you what me means and what he wants.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

You know, this reminds me of when my husband used to shame me for not being able to come when he gave me oral, because "All my other girlfriends could". 

Finally he said it one too many times and I told him that if they all had really told him that they had obviously been faking their orgasms with him. The look on his face... priceless. He hasn't gone down on me since and I was relieved I realized I wouldn't have to put up with that slobbering mess ever again as part of our foreplay. 

I have been able to come from oral with other men, but never with him. I never once shamed him about his awful technique (though I did try to gently direct him, which he found it offensive) until I couldn't take it any more.

RANT OFF.

But to another thought, maybe if you weren't so darn _nice_ to your husband about all this, maybe he would pull back his criticism. Could you voice some of the things he is not doing perfectly to satisfy you so he knows how it feel to be treated this way? I think it is safe to assume he is not perfect.:wink2:


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Now that I have thought about this,and rereading your post,my h has never ask me to me more sexy. Never told me I need to do things to keep him interested or he will go find it outside. Or that I am not doing something thing right to keep his interest.

Because then, I would get batSh*t crazy on his ass and he would get a different wife,alright.

I am so agreeing with Clara. Tell him what he is doing wrong and needs to improve on. See how he likes it. 

Girl do what you want and what you are comfortable with. I am older so my comfort level is different than yours and my kids are older. I always love red shoes, they are my thing. 

Don't make anyone change you. Love you like you are or piss off.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I think some people have taken his comments to her, to the extreme.

Curious Wife - I have followed your thread, your sexual relationship problems are not you or your fault. Your husband would not respond, even if you could pull off the most sexually amazing strip tease in history.

Beauty - you may have the same issue as CW in that it is not you, but we don't know enough about it yet.

Try this some day and see how he reacts.

Put on nothing but a pair of lace top thigh highs and a robe. Walk into the room where he is sitting get his attention and drop the robe. Walk over to him (does not need to be a runway performance) and straddle him facing him. Cup his face in your hands and start kissing him keeping your breast as close to him as possible. Work your way down unbuttoning his shirt or pull it off (depending on the shirt) and kissing his chest down to his stomach. Undo his belt or unbutton his pants then kiss him long and hot. then get up and walk away. Go to the bedroom or where ever you want him to follow and wait to see if he comes running after you.

If he doesn't come chase you with a raging erection then the issue is him!

But I could be completely wrong! it has happened before. lol

If he does come chasing you and ravishes you then you just learned something new that he likes.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I've seen more porn than just about anyone here.. Porn has nothing to do with it.. I looked at all sorts of porn for last almost 10 years for about 8 hours a day... I've seen a man jerk off a bear, YES A BEAR... I've seen more child exploitation than anyone should have in their lives.. 

None of it ever deterred me, turned me off or made me more horny... I'm the same horny guy I always was before I started in this job.. IF anything I learned different positions and there some real instructional porn videos out there.. 

Though I do fall under the standard psychological analysis of mistrusting others that occurs after looking at so much child exploitation.. It is just something that comes along with this line of work.. 

Can't you just at one point, just drop to your knees and give him oral ? Doesn't have to be young frankenstein madeline kahn sex scene worthy.. But something simple and controlling like that..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> I've seen more porn than just about anyone here.. Porn has nothing to do with it.. I looked at all sorts of porn for last almost 10 years for about 8 hours a day... I've seen a man jerk off a bear, YES A BEAR... I've seen more child exploitation than anyone should have in their lives..
> 
> None of it ever deterred me, turned me off or made me more horny... I'm the same horny guy I always was before I started in this job.. IF anything I learned different positions and there some real instructional porn videos out there..
> 
> ...



But you're not watching porn for the "entertainment" value are you? You are better informed about sexuality and the porn you watch is for a specific purpose that has nothing to do with you gaining masturbatory fodder.

A bear? Really? A Bear? Who finds that erotic?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

beautymadness23 said:


> But I think he wants me to light the fire and get our sex drive back Into high gear, but that would take tapping into the aggressive/asserive side of me, if she's in there, and morphing into a sexual goddess who takes his breath away and amazes him. I'd love to do that, believe me I would, but I just don't feel like it's in me and I've accepted that and try to put my energy elsewhere.


Hi Beautymadness23, 

If you primarily have a responsive desire, the only way you can put your drive into high gear is to self-explore ways to get very aroused and then share that with your husband. An example might be reading an explicit novel and then once you get going, have your husband role play or something with you. Another very exciting thing to do is to lock your husband into a separate room and only let him watch while perhaps you explore with a new adult novelty, and then unlock the door once he has finally promised you to finish repainting the house, replace the screen door, and put a fresh coat of stain on the deck! :wink2:

Awkwardly I will tell you that there is a problem with your husband's request that he may not be aware of... If you did suddenly find your libido skyrocketing and ravaged him all the sudden, he may not have the chance to let his hormones build up to the level of desire where he would enjoy this to the full extent. An example might be you ravaging him just after he secretly finished masturbating in the shower. So he has to be careful what he wishes for... When you discuss this topic, be sure to find a way that you are very aware of his level of desire and if you try to kick yourself into high gear that your timing is right and that he knows to wait for you to get yourself ready. 

In the meantime, do not hesitate to ask him to do ANYTHING that makes you happy and more motivated to fulfill his requests. Such as replacing all the caulking in the shower to make it look like new! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> But you're not watching porn for the "entertainment" value are you? You are better informed about sexuality and the porn you watch is for a specific purpose that has nothing to do with you gaining masturbatory fodder.
> 
> *A bear? Really? A Bear? Who finds that erotic?*


:frown2:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> :frown2:


:lol:


Oh I'm sorry Fozzy but I have warned you about waxing that back...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> But you're not watching porn for the "entertainment" value are you? You are better informed about sexuality and the porn you watch is for a specific purpose that has nothing to do with you gaining masturbatory fodder.
> 
> A bear? Really? A Bear? Who finds that erotic?


I guess you are right.. 

But I would rather talk/text dirty with my wife or now GF and ravage her body when I meet her tonight then crank one out to someone else fvcking.. 

I guess watching so much porn has the opposite effect at this point and time on me..


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BM and CW, both of your husbands are idiots.

You need to be accepted as you are, or else they should have married someone else.

Unfortunately, your husbands are not likely to stop being idiots any time soon, so you are going to have to tell them to STFU next time they try to tell you to be more sexy without giving actual helpful instructions.

In fact, feel free to tell them that this lady you know who is married to a sex god (that's me) says they sound like unsexy whiny idiots and if they can't pull up the muster to give good sexual instructions, I've advised you to laugh in their faces the next time they bring up the idea that you should be sexier.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> BM and CW, both of your husbands are idiots.
> 
> You need to be accepted as you are, or else they should have married someone else.
> 
> ...


**Badsanta falling out of his chair**

**Getting back up**

Faithful Wife, 

This forum is meant to be kind to others and not mean and hurtful in any way by giving people instructions to STFU!! However, the way you said it kind of got a pleasant rise out of me!

...by all means, please carry on!

@beautymadness23 this is a great example of how confidence can actually be very attractive. Just be yourself, but be a little more aggressive about it, and that will likely jolt your husband's sexual attention. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta

***ouch I think I twisted my ankle a second ago***


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah....be aggressive like telling them to STFU if they try telling you that you aren't sexy enough.

Trust me, they will snap their heads around and say "yes, ma'am".


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Always Learning said:


> Try this some day and see how he reacts.
> 
> Put on nothing but a pair of lace top thigh highs and a robe. Walk into the room where he is sitting get his attention and drop the robe. Walk over to him (does not need to be a runway performance) and straddle him facing him. Cup his face in your hands and start kissing him keeping your breast as close to him as possible. Work your way down unbuttoning his shirt or pull it off (depending on the shirt) and kissing his chest down to his stomach. Undo his belt or unbutton his pants then kiss him long and hot. then get up and walk away. Go to the bedroom or where ever you want him to follow and wait to see if he comes running after you.


And now I won't be able to stand up from behind my desk for a good 20 minutes. Thanks.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Ok if i start a class on how do dominate ur SO how many buyers would i get? And how much would u pay? lmao. Thank ur laara i was worried no one knew the art of love making lol CW if he is telling u what to do then you are being submissive. If you want to dominate next time he says something he doesnt like then tell him "tough this is about what i like" The thing about a relationship is you have the time and the person to experiment with. If he comes in and sits down and says do this then its a performance not a relationship. Your husbands know what they like they want to know what u like and hope that it feeds into their kink. Remember when you were a kid and u found out mixing blue and yellow make green? thats what ur doing in ur relationships. You just need to figure out what shade of blue or yellow you are so you will know which green you will get. And beauty its not about becoming something that you are not Its more like learning how to drive. When you first started you were young and new always worried if you had enough room or were gonna hit that car? But now you swing ur car around the parking lot with out even thinking about it. Jamming into tiny places you would have never tried. Thats what he's looking for, that kind of confidence


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> And now I won't be able to stand up from behind my desk for a good 20 minutes. Thanks.


Your more than welcome!

You have helped reinforce my point to the original poster.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

What does you initiating involve? There are ways to be very obvious in a physical sort of way then let him take over the lead. Does not have to be as blatant as dropping your robe, but I'm not discouraging that


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

I honestly don't know. I don't feel like I'm all that sexual of a person...if I am horny, I don't usually need release and tendnot to do anything. I'm into it and enjoy it when he makes it happen, but I don't feel a desire to set the mood and tempt him. If he wants to, great, I'm in...and if not, that's cool too. I don't even masturbate. I get turned on by him initiating, otherwise its hard for me to get in the mood.


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

Anon pink those articles were unbelievably helpful by the way. Thank you.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I can understand what you just wrote, which is you don't initiate at all but are responsive. But that is at odds with what you said in your first post, you said you have been initiating more in the last year. 

If you really aren't doing any or very little I'd say hubby has a fairly valid concern. Maybe there is a compromise. Decide on some period where you will start, could be once a week, once a month etc. If you marked that on the calendar and then on those nites just make it a point to where something he likes or you like, whatever. Go find him on the coach and snuggle up, stay close for a while, run your hand over his chest after a while etc. I bet he takes over and you'll be off to the races. If not, you've just spent 15 minutes with your husband, not a big deal...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He even said he finds himself looking for that elsewhere because I can't seem to do that for him. 

What a jerk, I can't believe he said that, he was happy with you for many years and now all of a sudden he isn't? Is he erotic, sexy and sexual or he just wants you to be that way while he lays there? He needs to accept you the way you are. It sounds like you two have a great sex life so he should be happy and content.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EleGirl said:


> That underlined part... it's a version of "do something to make me want you."


This. I am the husband of a wife who is exactly - EXACTLY - as Op described herself.

I am not tired of my wife, and I find her physically sexy as all hell. When I look at her, I want her, any day, any time.

And the thing is, like OP, I can have her every day. She does say no, of course, but honestly, if I initiated (or asked her) twice a day, every day, then we'd probably be having sex 4 or 5 times a week, if not more. Right now, it's 3-4 times a month.

So why is this, and why am I not taking advantage? Because it's 100% me. She's into sex when we have it, and very very active, and it's always satisfying, if not good or great. Take my initiation out of the equation, and I'd guess that we'd have sex zero times a month, and I'm not even kidding.

Like the song says, "I want you to want me". When one person does not receive that as part of the relationship, the interest declines, and keeps declining. It's tiresome. OP's husband is being honest when he says he thinks about it elsewhere. I don't believe it's a threat, I believe it's him being honest about his feelings. I, too, wonder what it's like to be wanted sexually, as a man, as it's been a long time since I've had that. Does this mean I'm going to have an affair? No, of course not. But it does mean that I'm missing that desire for me, which is more important to some people than others.

I love that OP is here looking for answers and help. That's a great first step. Like her, my wife also says she doesn't know how to initiate, and that it's awkward for her. This is something I don't understand one bit. I'm not exactly a smooth guy myself (also nerdy, slightly awkward in ways), yet I find a way to initiate sex with my wife. Yet here OP is, saying the same thing as my wife does, so now there's two of you!

My inclination is to say that some people over complicate sex, like OP, like my wife. They're thinking about it too much, hence it becomes awkward. Sex is something that should just come naturally - let it happen. Once you start to think about it, or become aware of what you're doing, the more you start becoming overly self conscious about it.

In other words, when you tell yourself something is awkward, it becomes more so, as you become more aware of your surroundings, what you're saying, what you're doing, and the more afraid you are coming across as awkward, and so on and so forth. It's really a cycle.

I mean, honestly, men are pretty simple to initiate sex with. I've told my wife this, when she's asked what she's "supposed" to do. I said "Unzip my pants. Take it out. Then I can take over".

Initiation, to most of us men, requires little imagination or even effort. Something as simple as what I told my wife, would show me that she is interested in sex, in my penis, and me. That she wants it, and me, right then. To me, that's sexy. And I'll bet that would do wonders for your husband, OP.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@alexm, actually, you and other men like you are the ones complicating sex. You know about responsive desire, you've been around SIM long enough to have heard of the term. Go back to my first post in this thread and read those links because they explain a fundamental difference in how desire is defined and measured.

The drive to have sex can be spontaneous or responsive. Men are typically sponatious, women are typically responsive. 

Responsive desire: To get an idea for what it's like to be pressured into "being sexy" because your husband wants to feel desired too...stand in the middle of your office and dance to a tune that you can't hear. You are surpremely conscious of the fact that the moves you're making aren't natural, feel awkward, and as a result you feel stupid.

Spontaneous desire: To experience spontaneous desire means that from within, a desire to have sex happens. Walking down the street, buttering toast, watering the lawn...the thought pops into your head and your body latches onto it sending signals everywhere to initiate launch sequence and commence countdown. It feels natural, it feels good, it feels happy. It feels like being on a dance floor and loving the tune and knowing that your body is moving in perfect sync with the rhythm.

So a man and his sponatious desire is on the dance floor and moving his body like a pro, while a woman and her responsive desire is in the middle of her living room trying to coordinate her body to a tune that she can't hear.

While yes, a responsive desire spouse can and should do some homework and learn a few moves to show every now and then but expecting her do this too frequently is (for some women) too much to ask or expect. In fact, expecting your wife to do this too frequently does the opposit of what you want, it turns her off because she doesn't feel like she can measure up. Her husband is expecting her to approach sex like a man...but she's a woman.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> [MENTION=3420]While yes, a responsive desire spouse can and should do some homework and learn a few moves to show every now and then *but expecting her do this too frequently is (for some women) too much to ask or expect. In fact, expecting your wife to do this too frequently does the opposit of what you want, it turns her off because she doesn't feel like she can measure up. Her husband is expecting her to approach sex like a man...but she's a woman.*


Right.

And if the man can't do this himself, he shouldn't ask her to do it, either.

Can you (any husband) stand there and do a strip tease for us, confidently and with known prowess? And make us horny for you, just by doing so?

No?

Then you can't expect your wife to naturally be able to do it, either.

However...

If you *can* learn to assertively tell her what you want, you'll get much, much better results. Because even just the act of assertively telling her, without the "oh, but you aren't feeling it naturally" thoughts of yours, will do much more good in getting what you want than quietly wishing she'd figure it out and dropping hints, and the occasional complaint that she doesn't show you her desire enough.

This is a very difficult dynamic to explain, and Mrs. Pink did a great job...but I don't think guys who it applies to understand it very well.

Again, the easiest way for a guy to understand this is to imagine actually stripping for his wife and doing it confidently. If you can't even imagine it, your wife probably can't either.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

beautymadness23 said:


> I honestly don't know. I don't feel like I'm all that sexual of a person...if I am horny, I don't usually need release and tendnot to do anything. I'm into it and enjoy it when he makes it happen, but I don't feel a desire to set the mood and tempt him. If he wants to, great, I'm in...and if not, that's cool too. I don't even masturbate. I *get turned on by him initiating, otherwise its hard for me to get in the mood*.


If you get turned on when he initiates, try to identify at what point you start to feel desire. Is it after some kissing? Is it after some light petting, heavy petting, when he touches you a certain way? If you can identify the sequence of behavior that sparks your desire, than communicate that to your H. Have him start that behavior to get you turned on. And then you walk away, change into something naughty, all the while you're still (hopefully) turned on. If not, or if your desire fades, that's okay because he will light that match again.

Get into the habit of wearing sexy nighties to bed. Toss your old sleep wear and get all new stuff. Once your comfortable wearing this stuff every night, prancing around in a nightie as you apply lotion to your arms and legs can be a tease and show for him. Then you simply sit in his lap and start kissing him.

It's really not hard to become an outwardly sexual woman, it just takes a little getting used to.

And I suggest you start masturbating, even if it's just for a few minutes. Wake up your nerve endings and practice getting turned on. Read some dirty stories if it helps. Look at nude pictures...whatever. 

Don't allow your sex life to fall into a rut of boring predictability. Sit in your husband's lap during dinner then play hard to get the rest of the night.

If I straddle my husband's lap, I am almost always instantly horny, no matter how I felt before I sat in his lap. I know that that move gets ME going so if I haven't initiated in a while, playing hop on pop usually works for me.

The reason why this is important is because a great marriage is only great because all the pieces are there including a great sex life. But you can't have a great marriage with out a great sex life.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> And if the man can't do this himself, he shouldn't ask her to do it, either.
> 
> ...


Thank you FW! You make an excellent point about men being able to confidently to a strip tease and feel sexy doing it. I doubt many men would even consider it.

I'm picturing "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" slowly untucking his shirt and kicking off his shoes and...it's not working for me at all!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> And if the man can't do this himself, he shouldn't ask her to do it, either.
> 
> ...


Would I feel comfortable doing a strip tease? Almost guaranteed not.

Now, if I'm standing in front of my wife who is already horny as hell for me can I do that strip tease? You bet.

In most cases women don't have to worry about making their man horny. The man is often begging for that strip tease. You could go for a spin on a stripper pole and kick us in the head by accident and we'd still carry you to bed with a big grin on our face. The mere fact you are doing it makes us harder than a brick.

Now can you say if you'd be in the mood for your man before he even got into a strip tease? 

No? 

Then how can you expect your husband to naturally be able to do it?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Then how can you expect your husband to naturally be able to do it?


Except that, many husbands do expect their wives to be able put on a sexy show, while those wives don't usually expect their husbands to be able to.

If you expect it, then be able to give as good as you expect to get. It is that simple.

If you don't expect it, of course this doesn't apply to you. Also simple.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Except that, many husbands do expect their wives to be able put on a sexy show, while those wives don't usually expect their husbands to be able to.
> 
> If you expect it, then be able to give as good as you expect to get. It is that simple.
> 
> If you don't expect it, of course this doesn't apply to you. Also simple.


That's my point. Men that do expect it also are quite willing to be as good as they want to get I'd wager. If a guy that wants strip teases is told he'll get one for everyone good one he gives, he'd transform into Magic Mike overnight.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> That's my point. Men that do expect it also are quite willing to be as good as they want to get I'd wager. If a guy that wants strip teases is told he'll get one for everyone good one he gives, he'd transform into Magic Mike overnight.


I'm pretty sure this isn't true for CW and Mr. CW, as just one example. He expects her to do it and just naturally know how, but he won't do it and wouldn't know how.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm pretty sure this isn't true for CW and Mr. CW, as just one example. He expects her to do it and just naturally know how, but he won't do it and wouldn't know how.


I agree, just a small part of why I called him an ******* earlier in thread. I had the impression you were talking about men in general however.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I've been where you are,OP! I used to be the type who was openly sexual, but not in the way of a femme fatale. 

My DH wanted more teasing and tempting, but I had no idea what, exactly, to to.

If it hasn't already been suggested, I think you need to work a bit on your mind. You say you don't have sexual fantasies? Change that first! How can you be in touch with your inner temptress and be a fully sensual female if your mind isn't in the right place?

Watch porn. Seriously. Some of it will just plain rot, but even in the trash there is treasure to be found. Imagine yourself in various roles. Imagine how the things you find interesting would actually feel, even if you wouldn't want to do such things in real life. You can always mentally edit out what you wouldn't want to do and adjust for your own tastes.

Take some time to, if not masturbate, touch yourself in an arousing way and let your mind wander. See where it goes. This is best done when you can be alone, relaxed, and take your time. Maybe after a hot shower? Just lay there, touch yourself all over, and enjoy he sensation. Let your mind wander. See if maybe you have fantasies floating around in there after all.

Research light BDSM. Maybe your DH would like to be restrained while you slowly dress in some stockings, boots/heels, a bustier or corset, and maybe a robe. Then you can go around the room lighting candles and incense (if you like incense), making your movements slow and deliberately showing off your assets while you're at it. By the time your done, you can start touching and so on.

There are tons of belly dancing and stripping videos out there. Some people post instructional series on Youtube. Watch a few. Get into your body and how it feels to move in a sensual way. Put to use anything you learn.

Go toy shopping. Oils, flavored body dust (I like Kama Sutra Honey Dust), board games, "marital aids" like vibrators and dildos. Use them. And when you do, remember that men are visual. Very visual.

Good luck!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

All fine and dandy when the responsive one is responsive. Once life kicks in and you go from responding most of the time to some of the time to occasionally if you feel like it ya gotta work something else out.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry to say this is also exactly what killed my marriage. In 24 years my stbx never initiated once. I hated it after years and years of always being the one to nudge and ask. And when we did have sex it was very vanilla and only in the bedroom behind closed doors and dimmed lights. That was fine in the beginning and I assumed our sex life would just improve as time went by. I was wrong. After about 10 years I was bored to tears. I tried and tried to spice up our sex life and she was having none of it. One thing she said to me after we separated that sticks in my mind is "Oh don't worry...I'm not going to do anything that I don't want to do." We were talking about trying to reconcile. That describes her perfectly with everything in our relationship. And it cost the breakup of our family.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope y'all can find happiness with it but don't expect him to ever change anymore than he wants you to change.

I can't believe he really said you were "almost perfect". Joking or not that's just a degrading thing to say to your spouse.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@beautymadness23, there's not more that I can add to the conversation but I did want to ask you a question that hasn't been asked (I don't think)......what do you want to do? If you want to try to change yourself into someone that you're not, then I'm sure we can give you advice on how do that (faking it) but I'm not sure that's what you want.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> @alexm, actually, you and other men like you are the ones complicating sex. You know about responsive desire, you've been around SIM long enough to have heard of the term. Go back to my first post in this thread and read those links because they explain a fundamental difference in how desire is defined and measured.


I know all too well about responsive desire! My wife is exactly that (obviously).

The thing is that some men want a partner like that, as it puts them in charge, so to speak. So if I were a more dominant male (I'm more neutral, btw) then my wife, and women like OP would be a great match.

But I'm not, and neither is OP's husband.

Nobody is suggesting it's her fault (well, I'm not). All I'm saying is that having to be the dominant partner when it comes to sex 99.9% of the time is tiresome - when that isn't MY personality. I'm using, and have used, that word on purpose, because that's exactly what it is.

So, in essence, at least in my case, we have two people, neither of whom are innately aggressive when it comes to pursuing sex with one another, yet the one who is just barely capable (me) is the one who is required to do the heavy lifting. ALL of the time.

Furthermore, I think this thread has taken something that isn't necessarily that complicated, and turned into something that is. A lot of the people here are assuming OP's husband wants a whole production out of his wife - lingerie, makeup, heels, a stripper pole. Stuff that OP isn't comfortable doing and IS awkward for many people.

Those of us who are in hubby's shoes (minus the being a d*** about it) are sitting here trying to figure out what's so hard about our wives unzipping our pants, or otherwise making the first move.

And that's what I mean by over complicating this. My wife, and OP, feel the need to ask what they "should" be doing to initiate sex with their husbands, assuming they're going to have to jump through hoops and follow some sort of script, and do this, followed by that.

It's usually unbelievably simple. As my wife is responsive desire, I know that, for example, a sensuous massage (something she asks for at least once a week), can easily turn into sex, as I can let my hands wander once she's nice and relaxed and I've worked the kinks out of her shoulders. She's not asking for a massage as an opener to sex, trust me. She works a laborious job and often has kinks and knots that need to be worked out, and I'm happy to oblige. It also turns into sex probably less than half the time as I'm not always in the mood, and sometimes it's clear she just wants the kinks worked out.

As another example, I can usually have a high success rate if I simply remove her pants and go down on her. Duh, right? I'm being aggressive, and the effort level required (or thinking, for that matter) is next to nil. So when she's asked me in the past about methods of initiating sex, as OP is doing here, I ask her what works for her will work for me. I don't make a huge production of seducing her throughout the day. What works for her is spontaneity, literally when I don't think or plan, just do. If it's clear I'm angling for sex at some point, she tends to shut down. Why? Because I just complicated things, and now she's forced to think about it, and she's probably going through a dozen scenarios in her head, and all of a sudden it's awkward and there's pressure on her.

So that's what this thread is really about, imo. If I, or OP's husband, were naturally sexually aggressive, this wouldn't be an issue. In fact, it'd be ideal.

But we're not. We are by default within our respective marriages, though, and therefore we're expected to do all of the work, and not b***h about it, which isn't fair.

Personally speaking, I'd prefer if the roles were reversed, and *I* didn't have to be the one feeling awkward all the time - which I do. I totally get the self-conscious part of all of this, as *I* am the one who is feeling like that 90% of the time. If my wife was sexually aggressive and came to me, then I'd be sitting back, making no effort, and not having to remove myself from my comfort zone.

But the way things are, she is a 1 out of 100 on the scale of sexual aggressiveness and I am a 10 out of 100. Therefore I am the one expected to do all the work by default. And I do. But I'm also expected to shut up and deal.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Thank you FW! You make an excellent point about men being able to confidently to a strip tease and feel sexy doing it. I doubt many men would even consider it.
> 
> I'm picturing "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" slowly untucking his shirt and kicking off his shoes and...it's not working for me at all!


There is no doubt about responsive desire in woman and men being spontaneous but in terms of a strip tease/lap dance, we also have take into account that men are visual. Watching our wives perform a flirty and playful strip tease would drive us crazy. All woman have that power if they dig deep.

As for men performing a strip tease, woman on average would not get turned on by that. Woman are turned on by confidence and dominant action, which is why a man doing a strip tease would not work on woman the way it does for men. I'm sure the wife would engage sexually if her husband did a strip tease for her but it won't have that primal effect that a wife would have on her husband.


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

Alex M, this is exactly howy husband feels. He's naturally mkre assertive, didn't mind jt, and is good at it most of the time. But for him, its more the principal. He doesn't think it's fair and doesn't think he should just have to just deal with it. He said he wouldn't divorce me over this, but when I told him that I wouldn't be surprised if he did cheat to meet that need he said..."so then what?"

We just talked about it last night....I asked him what the co sequennces, so to speak, will be if I can't fix this. What does he think will happen if we can't figure this out. Mind u, he was a bit tipsy, but he said..."u know me. I will find a way to get it and I go after what I want." Which is true. I said that that sounded an awful lot like he would cheat. Be didn't say one way or another and just left it at that.

So now I'm more motivated to change this, but not totally dorrhe right reasons. Itsnsort of out of fear and panic. I want to make him happy and give him what be wants to, but hearing that has not put me in a good place.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

beautymadness23 said:


> Alex M, this is exactly how my husband feels. He's naturally more assertive, I didn't mind it, and he is good at it most of the time. But for him, its more the principal. He doesn't think it's fair and doesn't think he should just have to just deal with it. He said he wouldn't divorce me over this, but when I told him that I wouldn't be surprised if he did cheat to meet that need he said..."so then what?"
> 
> ...Mind u, he was a bit tipsy, but he said..."u know me. I will find a way to get it and I go after what I want."


I honestly think you are in a hiding to nothing here and I would not be surprised if he is already cheating or thinking seriously about it. 
He is putting all the onus on you, "Perform sexily for me or I will get it elsewhere". 
I guess he knows you will fail, and he is setting you up to fail here.
He knows very well you are not going to turn into a steamy sex seductress overnight, as that is not you, and hence he will be justified in his cheating then. 
"Well I gave you the chance and you didn't come up to expectations, so it is all your own fault, I am just a man, I have needs..."


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Always Learning said:


> I think some people have taken his comments to her, to the extreme.
> 
> Curious Wife - I have followed your thread, your sexual relationship problems are not you or your fault. Your husband would not respond, even if you could pull off the most sexually amazing strip tease in history.
> 
> ...



THIS!!! My wife will sometimes just walk up and straddle me on the couch with a look of i want you in het eye and say how much she wants me tonight. It shows me that I am wanted. If I do not initiate in 2 days by the 3rd day she initiates. May be just spooning in bed and her wiggling her derriere. Tells me "I want you"

May be what he wants. If he is like me and equates physical intimacy to love...you not initiating makes him feel like you could care less about him, take him or leave him. Like a spouse who always says I love you first and other spouse never says it first. Pretty soon you feel like it means nothing as they just say it because they have to respond to you.

You said you feel you have sex regularly ....how often is regularly?

Wife has never done a strip tease. Never asked her to. Wearing a teddy or such and giving me that look satisfies me. Most men are easy to keep satisfied. 

If you get turned on after your husbands starts kissing you or such.....just start with him what ever gets you going. Does not have to start with you meeting him at the door with a bj.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> Sorry to say this is also exactly what killed my marriage. In 24 years my stbx never initiated once. I hated it after years and years of always being the one to nudge and ask. And when we did have sex it was very vanilla and only in the bedroom behind closed doors and dimmed lights. That was fine in the beginning and I assumed our sex life would just improve as time went by. I was wrong. After about 10 years I was bored to tears. I tried and tried to spice up our sex life and she was having none of it. One thing she said to me after we separated that sticks in my mind is "Oh don't worry...I'm not going to do anything that I don't want to do." We were talking about trying to reconcile. That describes her perfectly with everything in our relationship. And it cost the breakup of our family.
> 
> Sorry you're going through this. I hope y'all can find happiness with it but don't expect him to ever change anymore than he wants you to change.
> 
> I can't believe he really said you were "almost perfect". Joking or not that's just a degrading thing to say to your spouse.


You make some good points.

I'm in the same situation as the OP (but I'm the husband side), and want desperately to spice up our sex life. It's not to the point, where it will end us, but it is a problem that needs to be solved. I'm in the seniors group, and we have plenty of time for sex, and daily wouldn't bother me. Three times a week is doable, but not including quickies... I want at least three passionate long love making sessions, as a minimum. We're not quite there, but when I get her going, she enjoys it, but can be very hard to get her turned on, after an hour of fore play or more. Also, I have a few issues, like I usually need a pill to stay hard, and if I've had tense or stress day, it doesn't work very well, so I'm working on that. She is also not into doing a bit of exploring and new ideas, which I'm into.

I've read articles, tried techniques, etc., all the stuff post here and articles... all of it, and I can't find a solution, yet. But I'm not giving up. I've also read a lot of "help" articles and books to her. Read her the 5 Love Languages (good help),it didn't improve the sex, but did make her more aware and she's willing to try to get help.

My next step is sex counseling, which I'll do.

My lady is not horrible about sex, but just doesn't have anywhere close to my desire (but did at one time). We recently went through a major issue in our lives that probably affected the sex, and I'm in the process of "rebuilding".

A few things I have learned:
Threats NEVER work. A guy doesn't need to be threatened to paint the house for sex, and a girl never needs to be told that he well seek sex elsewhere. No upside. 

And people DO CHANGE. Perhaps not dramatically (like mine, who changed dramatically for the better over an 18 month period). But people change to improve their lives. But, it's not easy to make major changes as people get older. Sometimes you have to accept some habits, personalities and beliefs that just won't change.

A lot of good posts here, (but a few bad ones). Would like to see more ideas, articles, books, etc., that worked for folks. Perhaps would help a lot of us here.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

UMP said:


> beautymadness,
> My wife was exactly the same way. I would always pester her about HER initiating and her being more sexy, etc. Just as you say.
> In fact, it got so bad she actually told me "I wish I could just buy you a prostitute."
> 
> ...


Good points... I've tried No. 2 many times, in many ways, and success has only been mediocre... need the next step.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beautymadness23,

I think that there are two ways to look at this.

One is that a person should not have to change the very core of who they are because their spouse is demanding it. There is of course a caveat that trait the spouse wants changed is not a negative/destructive one. For example if a person is always yelling and screaming.. it’s good for their spouse to encourage them to learn anger management and better ways to deal with life’s frustrations. But for most things, we should not have to change our core on demand for anyone. If a spouse keeps pushing for the person to change their core for non-negative things… it can be abusive.

Another way of looking at this is that we should all be willing to grow and change to meet our spouse’s most important emotional needs. (Read “His Needs, Her Needs”) We should do it because we love them and want to give our spouse what they need to feel loved. What’s the point of giving someone love in a way that they do not feel shows love.

I understand your husband’s desire to you want him sexually. I was married to a man who, overtime, stopped initiating. After some time, I just stopped initiating because I felt like he really did not want sex with me. Once I stopped we never had sex again. Now we are divorced. I’m not living like that.

You say that your desire is responsive. But I think that there are ways that you can change yourself feel active desire. 

Have you ever just sat somewhere quiet and though about sex with your husband? Try it. For a while, take 15 minutes a day to remember some of the best lovemaking the two of you have had. See if after that you feel desire. This will help to train your mind to think of sex and to conjure up desire on your own. After a while, try once a week, after you do this and you feel some desire to come on to your husband.

Feeling desire is actually a chemical reaction in our body. We are chemical engines. If we want to feel something, we can create that feeling by thinking about it. If you want to be angry, start thinking about things that make you angry and you will be angry. If you want to feel sexual desire, think about good sex with the person you love. If you do this, you will create desire in yourself. This too is another way to create feelings of desire.

You also might benefit from reading erotica. Perhaps some of the readers here can point you to some good erotica books. I know that some of the women here read them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jsmart said:


> There is no doubt about responsive desire in woman and men being spontaneous but in terms of a strip tease/lap dance, we also have take into account that men are visual. Watching our wives perform a flirty and playful strip tease would drive us crazy. All woman have that power if they dig deep.
> 
> As for men performing a strip tease, woman on average would not get turned on by that. Woman are turned on by confidence and dominant action, which is why a man doing a strip tease would not work on woman the way it does for men. I'm sure the wife would engage sexually if her husband did a strip tease for her but it won't have that primal effect that a wife would have on her husband.


Nice try, but this isn't true.

Men just don't want to be put into that uncomfortable position that Anon Pink described. And a lot of women don't want to be put in that position, either.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

alexm said:


> So, in essence, at least in my case, we have two people, neither of whom are innately aggressive when it comes to pursuing sex with one another, *yet the one who is just barely capable (me) is the one who is required to do the heavy lifting. ALL of the time.*
> 
> There is an easy solution to this, and I've suggested it to you a few times, which you usually have ignored...
> 
> ...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> Nice try, but this isn't true.
> 
> Men just don't want to be put into that uncomfortable position that Anon Pink described. And a lot of women don't want to be put in that position, either.


Not true? Come on. men are visual, so we'll respond to a woman's strip tease. If men thought that doing a strip tease for their wives would get them passionate sex from their wives, they would perform them.

Personally, I've never requested or desired a strip tease but if my wife, who's more like OP, were to do one for me, I'd definitely be floored but knowing my wife, me doing that for her wouldn't get much of a response, other than maybe laughing.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Nice try, but this isn't true.
> 
> Men just don't want to be put into that uncomfortable position that Anon Pink described. And a lot of women don't want to be put in that position, either.


I agree.
Professional dancers whether strippers or porn queens know what they are doing, they place their bodies in flattering shapes, the angles are good, the movements fluid and they look great. 
An amateur is going to look clumsy and awful in comparison, and so whilst a man may think he would want to see his beloved doing a striptease, if he is familiar with professionals, he is always going to compare and contrast. His beloved is unlikely to cut the mustard, which is highly embarrassing for her and him, and also a bit gutting for her too.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jsmart said:


> Not true? Come on. men are visual, so we'll respond to a woman's strip tease. If men thought that doing a strip tease for their wives would get them passionate sex from their wives, they would perform them.
> 
> Personally, I've never requested or desired a strip tease but if my wife, who's more like OP, were to do one for me, I'd definitely be floored but knowing my wife, me doing that for her wouldn't get much of a response, other than maybe laughing.


Did you know that the whole "men are visual" thing is a myth that has nothing to support it except other people saying it to each other? (Feel free to find any science that disputes me...and I mean, real science).

Women are just as visual, but most women have been shamed and told not to look when they were becoming of age, whereas men are encouraged to look from a young age.

If we were raised in a society that encouraged women, from a very young age, to explore their visual turn ons, and if that was framed as expected, natural, and accepted, then there would be no difference between men and women getting turned on visually.

I can't say your wife would want to see you do a strip tease, but I can say that I would want to see my man do one...and a lot of my female friends would as well...and a lot of them have paid to see men strip...and I have plenty of other anecdotal comments I could make, just as you've made.

On the other side, there are plenty of men who don't want to see that either, some would rather see a woman in Daisy Duke's and a crop top doing strenuous yard work and then hosing herself off in the yard afterwards.

So to say "women don't want that, women are not as visual" is just your opinion and what you've heard others say...yet I can come up with just as many others saying things that refute this.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jsmart said:


> There is no doubt about responsive desire in woman and men being spontaneous but in terms of a strip tease/lap dance, we also have take into account that men are visual. Watching our wives perform a flirty and playful strip tease would drive us crazy. All woman have that power if they dig deep.
> 
> *As for men performing a strip tease, woman on average would not get turned on by that. Woman are turned on by confidence and dominant action, which is why a man doing a strip tease would not work on woman the way it does for men. I'm sure the wife would engage sexually if her husband did a strip tease for her but it won't have that primal effect that a wife would have on her husband.*


Dude, have you been living under a rock? Does MAGIC MIKE ring a bell? 

The movie was a box office hit because of all of the women who went to see it and I promise you, it wasn't because of the Oscar winning performances or the plot. It was to see the sexy men do their stripper routines on the big screen. 

I can't speak for your wife but I for one think it's smokin' hot for a man to perform a confident strip tease. Based on the revenue sales for Magic Mike and it's sequel, I'm going to say other women agree.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> Dude, have you been living under a rock? Does MAGIC MIKE ring a bell?
> 
> The movie was a box office hit because of all of the women who went to see it and I promise you, it wasn't because of the Oscar winning performances or the plot. It was to see the sexy men do their stripper routines on the big screen.
> 
> I can't speak for your wife but I for one think it's smokin' hot for a man to perform a confident strip tease. Based on the revenue sales for Magic Mike and it's sequel, I'm going to say other women agree.


In the future, as young women in this generation are not shamed out of wanting to look and use their visual centers, more and more of this type of luscious movies will be made and geared toward them. Lucky younger women. 

Of course, there's plenty of man candy images for us to view right now...and many of us do so frequently.

A lot of men still want to believe we are innocently shielding our eyes from such images. But the men who understand we are NOT shielding our eyes are increasing in numbers, too, thankfully.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

<<<<So, in essence, at least in my case, we have two people, neither of whom are innately aggressive when it comes to pursuing sex with one another, yet the one who is just barely capable (me) is the one who is required to do the heavy lifting. ALL of the time.

There is an easy solution to this, and I've suggested it to you a few times, which you usually have ignored...

Those of us who are in hubby's shoes (minus the being a d*** about it) are sitting here trying to figure out what's so hard about our wives unzipping our pants, or otherwise making the first move.

And what I've suggested to you so many times, is that you give her direct instruction about what you want. So in this case, you would simply say "hey babe, get over here and unzip my pants". If you can't be specific about such things AND give her at least some direct instruction, then how is she supposed to just "get it"?

And that's what I mean by over complicating this. My wife, and OP, feel the need to ask what they "should" be doing to initiate sex with their husbands, assuming they're going to have to jump through hoops and follow some sort of script, and do this, followed by that.

Right, they ask because you are not giving clear direction.

As another example, I can usually have a high success rate if I simply remove her pants and go down on her. Duh, right? I'm being aggressive, and the effort level required (or thinking, for that matter) is next to nil. So when she's asked me in the past about methods of initiating sex, as OP is doing here, I ask her what works for her will work for me. I don't make a huge production of seducing her throughout the day. What works for her is spontaneity, literally when I don't think or plan, just do. 

So in other words, she asked you for direction, but you didn't give her any, you just gave more cryptic ideas she is supposed to figure out for herself, which she can't do, which is why she asked.

But we're not. We are by default within our respective marriages, though, and therefore we're expected to do all of the work, and not b***h about it, which isn't fair.

Why is giving direct sexual instruction considered so much "work"? I can't figure that one out. She wants to know, and she can't come up with it on her own. You know what you would like, but you refuse to state it directly. It doesn't make any sense.

Personally speaking, I'd prefer if the roles were reversed, and *I* didn't have to be the one feeling awkward all the time - which I do. I totally get the self-conscious part of all of this, as *I* am the one who is feeling like that 90% of the time. If my wife was sexually aggressive and came to me, then I'd be sitting back, making no effort, and not having to remove myself from my comfort zone.

I'm not sure why you say this. I'm assuming that if she was more aggressive, you'd respond with more aggression yourself and you'd both be less self-conscious. But unless you are ready to actually tell her with specific direction what you want, she is never going to figure it out.

But the way things are, she is a 1 out of 100 on the scale of sexual aggressiveness and I am a 10 out of 100. Therefore I am the one expected to do all the work by default. And I do. But I'm also expected to shut up and deal.

Actually, what I keep telling you is not shut up and deal, but speak up and be heard. I've also linked this blog post for you a few times in this type of discussion.

Sexy+Positive Blog: Sexual Instructions

I have tried several times to explain the huge turn on we can get from being given sexual instruction. I've also tried to explain that I simply won't be able to know what kinds of things to do for my husband without these instructions. (Before I got these things understood by being given direction a lot early in our relationship) it won't occur to me to suddenly flash him, but when he tells me to, it is really fun. It didn't occur to me to go suddenly unzip his pants, but it does now. It didn't occur to me that he didn't want to be the only one putting his hands on me all the time, he had to tell me to put my hands on him. He told me this over and over and over, until it became habit.

By telling me these things, I never considered him whiny, I considered him assertive. And that not only turns me on immensely, it creates new habits in the way I interact with him that over time have built up to where I now know his preferences really well and always have them on my mind.>>>>


Good post about instruction, but what would you say to someone that just doesn't respond to this? I've given MANY MANY instructions, over time, even to the point of hand holding her to show her exactly what turns me on and it's rarely effective.... what's the next step?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

November said:


> Good post about instruction, but what would you say to someone that just doesn't respond to this? I've given MANY MANY instructions, over time, even to the point of hand holding her to show her exactly what turns me on and it's rarely effective.... what's the next step?


More communication is the next step.

"Hey babe, I have told you several times specifically what I would like you to do to show me you want me or make me feel wanted. Is there a reason you won't do it? Did you not understand me enough, could I be more specific?"

If the answer is "don't tell me what to do" then a good response would be "I have desires that I would like you to fulfill, so if you don't want me to tell you how to fulfill them, then what would you propose?"

If the problem is that she has no intention of fulfilling those desires at all, then you need to sort that out and get it clearly understood. And if that is the case, then you've got to decide if this relationship is working for you or not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I want to be desired. I want to be touched. That's what makes sense to sense to me. I would imagine your husband is the same way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

alexm said:


> I know all too well about responsive desire! My wife is exactly that (obviously).
> 
> The thing is that some men want a partner like that, as it puts them in charge, so to speak. So if I were a more dominant male (I'm more neutral, btw) then my wife, and women like OP would be a great match.
> 
> ...



Alex, I wrote a post a while ago using chocolate as an allegory for sex drive. Some of us love chocolate so much we will get dressed at midnight and make a run to the store for some...should the chocolate stash come up empty. CURSES!!! While others will take chocolate if offered but they won't put effort into getting some.

You cannot resent your wife for not putting effort into getting some because it clearly doesn't mean as much to her as it does to you. You like chocolate a lot more than she does. 

You want her to initiate sex, but shouldn't she desire to have sex before you can expect her to unzip your fly? Shouldn't she have the desire to do that?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

FW - Of course I've given her direct instruction. Not sure why you don't think I have. In my example (unzipping my pants, touching me), I have told her this many times.

Listen, my point was that *I* am not a whole lot different than my wife, believe it or not. I am also awkward, and not terribly smooth. The difference is that I think about sex, therefore I act. She does not, and THAT IS FINE, that is how she is. I do not expect her to miraculously start thinking about sex, which is apparently what you seem to think I am expecting.

What I do expect is the effort to think about my needs.

She fully understands that she is responsive desire. That once she gets going, she will get into it. She knows this, I know this. Neither of us, least of all me, expect her to change somehow. You are still challenging me constantly on this subject, whenever you get a chance to, that I seem to think she needs to change her mindset.

What this is about, to me, in my experience, and my life, is simply her remembering that *I* think about sex and to, therefore, do something that shows me she remembers that *I* do. Not her.

You also seem to think I have some sort of resentment towards my wife in regards to her responsive sexual desire. I DID have resentment towards her on this subject before she and I discovered what responsive desire is. Now that we both know this, there is no more resentment - on either of our parts.

What I don't get, and the part you are missing the point about, is that I am not upset that she doesn't think about SEX, I'm annoyed that she doesn't think about how we both think differently about the subject, yet it is ME who has to adapt to her, not the other way around.

Anon Pink uses the analogy of chocolate lovers, herself being one. Let's say her husband is not, at all. If there's chocolate around, he'll eat it, and enjoy it, but he won't be the one to run to the store and get some, and doesn't care if it's not available.

But he knows his beautiful chocoholic wife DOES.

Wouldn't it be nice if, every once in a while, he comes home with the chocolate she likes? Is it difficult for him to do this?

By your logic, he should not have to do this, ever, if he doesn't want to. This is based on the fact that he just doesn't care one way or the other about chocolate (even though he'll eat it, and enjoy it, if it's there).

While true, to a certain extent - there should be no expectation of him to do this for her - would you be giving him the same advice? Or would you be saying "come on guy, this isn't rocket science here. How hard is it to go to the store once in a while for your wife? It shows her you think about her in ways that aren't important to you! And that's good in a marriage!"

He doesn't have to fly to Belgium and bring home a fancy gift-wrapped box of chocolate for her. He can just stop by the nearest Wal-Mart and buy a Twix. Just like my wife doesn't need to get all strippered-up and pole dance for me. She just needs to, for example, touch me, or kiss me, or some other incredibly simple yet effective manner which indicates she is sexually available.

And this all OP has to do, too. Yet I get the impression that when she hears from her husband that he'd like her to initiate, she immediately has thoughts of lingerie and makeup and high heels and seduction. Things which are obviously out of her comfort zone. But oh my god, moving her hand down to her husbands penile area is somehow difficult, and could possibly be awkward.

Now I'm really going into rant territory here, but my theory is that people who simply can't fathom initiating sex are, in fact, deathly afraid of rejection. I know my wife certainly is. Now context here - when I say my wife never initiates, I mean in the way that people normally do. Her idea of initiating sex is coming to bed naked, usually lying under the covers, reading a book. When I climb into bed next to her, the book does not immediately get put down. I lean over to kiss her goodnight, as I do every night, and I'll notice she's naked. Then it's up to me to go further. Yay! Sexy!

So this method ensures that there is no rejection, as it is still up to me. If I don't notice (which has probably happened), then she doesn't care one way or the other. And in her mind, she "tried". (this has come up in the past...).

Now once, 2 or so years ago, I noticed, made a positive comment to her that she was naked (you look hot, or something), yet I did not further it any. I remember that I was too tired to move.

The next day, SHE came to ME (something that never happens) with how she was upset that she made the "effort" (quotation marks) and I did not respond. We had a very interesting discussion on how she felt rejected by this, and that it hurt. I said, very gently, that she now knows how I feel a lot of the time. Oh my god, epiphany time. Or so I thought. She genuinely felt bad, apologized, said she didn't realize this is how I felt when she did this to me, she had no idea, etc etc etc.

Think it made any difference? Of course not.

So this is how I know she HATES rejection, at least when it comes to sex. And this is why I now have a logical theory as to why she does not initiate - she does not want to be rejected.

I also hate being rejected, as do we all. But sex is on my mind, and important to me, so I take that risk, and often.

I'm convinced that her issue is not 100% due to not desiring sex the same way I do, it's only partially that. The other half that actually prevents her from initiating, is fear of rejection. Otherwise, I'm positive she'd initiate, knowing full well she'd be aroused once we got going.

Rant over. Now back to the original thread, please.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Alex, I wrote a post a while ago using chocolate as an allegory for sex drive. Some of us love chocolate so much we will get dressed at midnight and make a run to the store for some...should the chocolate stash come up empty. CURSES!!! While others will take chocolate if offered but they won't put effort into getting some.
> 
> You cannot resent your wife for not putting effort into getting some because it clearly doesn't mean as much to her as it does to you. You like chocolate a lot more than she does.
> 
> You want her to initiate sex, but shouldn't she desire to have sex before you can expect her to unzip your fly? Shouldn't she have the desire to do that?


I just drove 15 miles round trip at 8pm on a Sunday because my wife had a craving for Krispy Kreme. 2 dozen donuts are now in the kitchen. I didn't want donuts, but I put my shoes on and went and got them because I wanted to make my wife happy.

See what I did there?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jsmart said:


> There is no doubt about responsive desire in woman and men being spontaneous but in terms of a strip tease/lap dance, we also have take into account that men are visual. Watching our wives perform a flirty and playful strip tease would drive us crazy. All woman have that power if they dig deep.
> 
> As for men performing a strip tease, woman on average would not get turned on by that. Woman are turned on by confidence and dominant action, which is why a man doing a strip tease would not work on woman the way it does for men. I'm sure the wife would engage sexually if her husband did a strip tease for her but it won't have that primal effect that a wife would have on her husband.


Wow you are seriously out of touch with this thinking.

There are more new male stripper clubs than female opening where I live, in fact a few of the female one have been converted to other businesses.

Female here, very visual and I have spontaneous desire not responsive as my primary mode of operating.
Pretty much all of my female friends are sexually confident, very visual and seek good sexual relationships. These are confident, intelligent, hard working women that love men and sex.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

intheory said:


> @alexm , I think that expecting Mrs. Alexm to slip her hands into your crotch, or initiate deep kissing, or say, "I really wanna be with you right now", isn't unreasonable, at all. It might take a while for rejection leery, responsive desire folks to feel safe enough to do this. But I don't think that's asking too much.
> 
> *That's all I want. I mean, I don't even expect it (I probably should, though, maybe that'd help...). But I still have zero understanding of why this is a difficult thing to do, and why some others around here (apparently not you!) also think this is asking too much.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I just drove 15 miles round trip at 8pm on a Sunday because my wife had a craving for Krispy Kreme. 2 dozen donuts are now in the kitchen. I didn't want donuts, but I put my shoes on and went and got them because I wanted to make my wife happy.
> 
> See what I did there?



I do. I hope your wife was appropriately grateful.

However, if you hadn't made the Krispy Kreme run would your wife have felt rejected? Would she have resented you for not getting her Krispy Kremes?

When BOTH spouses are putting their effort into the things that communicate the message, "I want to make you feel loved" this is how marriages should work. 

My point to alexm was two fold; be realistic in your expectations and get rid of the resentment because his expectations were not realistic.

Don't expect your wife's sexuality to evidence itself the way a man's sexuality typically does. 

Since full menopause hit, my sex drive has been almost 100% responsive. But the previous 10 years or so my sex drive was near constant and totally spontaneous...like a man's sex drive is typically. So I've been on both sides.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Anon Pink said:
> 
> 
> > Alex, I wrote a post a while ago using chocolate as an allegory for sex drive. Some of us love chocolate so much we will get dressed at midnight and make a run to the store for some...should the chocolate stash come up empty. CURSES!!! While others will take chocolate if offered but they won't put effort into getting some.
> ...


You are a loving H Fozzy......but you should have served her the donuts hanging on your penis.







. Damn, I just had a badsanta moment.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Anon Pink said:


> However, if you hadn't made the Krispy Kreme run would your wife have felt rejected? Would she have resented you for not getting her Krispy Kremes?


She would have if she had mentioned over the years that it would be wonderfully thoughtful of him to, once in a while, show that he is thinking of her needs as such, and to pick up donuts to show that he's thinking of her in that way.

And she would definitely feel so if, at some point, her husband had asked her what he can do to make her feel loved and thought of, and her primary response was "buy me donuts every now and again".

Had she never said anything of the sort, then of course she's not entitled to be resentful, or to feel rejected.

You can probably understand the feelings she'd have if he had specifically asked her what he can do to make her feel loved (wanted, desired, whatever), she responded with that, and then he proceeded to never actually do that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

alexm said:


> Anon Pink uses the analogy of chocolate lovers, herself being one. Let's say her husband is not, at all. If there's chocolate around, he'll eat it, and enjoy it, but he won't be the one to run to the store and get some, and doesn't care if it's not available.
> 
> But he knows his beautiful chocoholic wife DOES.
> 
> ...


Actually, I'm glad you brought up Anon Pink and her husband, because in fact, there are several things I have advised Mr. Pink to do, which (as far as the last reports) he rarely or never does.

For instance, I know Anon would love to be courted more, given more compliments, and have Mr. Pink do things like suddenly grab her up in his arms in the kitchen and dance her around the room and dip her and kiss her deeply.

She has told him she wants this, and knowing that, I also told him this directly on a thread they had open a few months ago.

To my knowledge, he doesn't do this, never made it a habit, and most likely never will.

Even though it should be "so simple" for him to do these things...and we could guess for days about why he doesn't or won't...but the fact is, he doesn't or won't, period.

What do you think my advice to Anon is in this case?

"Accept him or don't, this is how he is".

That's the same advice I have for you.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Your husband's statement about looking somewhere else was mean spirited and worrisome. Spouses should never manipulate each other like that.If everything was fine for years and suddenly your husband is complaining about your sex life, he could possibly be having an affair or at least he is infatuated with another woman. He has even gone so far as to tell you that he will look elsewhere. I am seeing two big red flags. 

If your husband wants you to be more erotic, he needs to stop chastising you about this issue. He also needs to be honest about where his sudden dissatisfaction comes from. Your husband should be able to show you exactly what he wants in bed from you. 

My husband wanted me to try certain things that I was timid about. He never threatened me with cheating or put me down for being too shy. My husband patiently enticed me into being more sexually open. He helped me relax.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> "Accept him or don't, this is how he is".
> 
> That's the same advice I have for you.


If my wife were here, what would your advice to her be?


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## TotallyDone (Aug 17, 2015)

I'm new here. My credentials are that I'm a 30+ year vet in a sexless marriage, that I am trying to unwind, that started on my honeymoon. So I know all about rejection, resentment and such.

There has been much discussion about what is right and wrong about the OP's story and if her H is really the DHead some believe him to be. But that is really irrelevant, unless the OP is planning on exiting the marriage and looking for moral backing for her decision.

What is relevant is that, last I heard, about 60% of marriages end in divorce. And about 45% of marriages are sexless by the 50s, according to Kinsey stats. And it's probably safe to assume there is some correlation between sexless marriages, sex problems and divorce. In the meantime, OP's H has sent a clear shot across the bow the other night. He may be a DHead, he may already be engaging in an affair, but none of that matters *if* OP is primarily interested in saving her marriage and not assigning blame for the downfall of it.

The OP is very lucky in that she most likely knows exactly what his problem is. I was never that fortunate and to this day I do not know what my STBX's problem was. I've heard so many conflicting reasons over the years I would never know if I did hear the truth.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

alexm said:


> If my wife were here, what would your advice to her be?


If she was asking about how she could become more sexual because she knows you want that and wanted to be a better partner to you, I would give her all kinds of suggestions on how to increase her interest in and participation in sex.

If she was here complaining that she doesn't want to feel pressured for sex anymore and wishes you would just stop wanting sex, I would tell her you might end up divorcing her one day if she keeps that attitude.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Mrs.Submission said:


> *Your husband's statement about looking somewhere else was mean spirited and worrisome. Spouses should never manipulate each other like that.*If everything was fine for years and suddenly your husband is complaining about your sex life, he could possibly be having an affair or at least he is infatuated with another woman. He has even gone so far as to tell you that he will look elsewhere. I am seeing two big red flags.
> 
> If your husband wants you to be more erotic, he needs to stop chastising you about this issue. He also needs to be honest about where his sudden dissatisfaction comes from. Your husband should be able to show you exactly what he wants in bed from you.
> 
> My husband wanted me to try certain things that I was timid about. He never threatened me with cheating or put me down for being too shy. My husband patiently enticed me into being more sexually open. He helped me relax.


Totally agree. That's the kind of things that warrants a d!ck getting punched.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> If she was asking about how she could become more sexual because she knows you want that and wanted to be a better partner to you, I would give her all kinds of suggestions on how to increase her interest in and participation in sex.
> 
> *So, as I said, she has asked me this very question, on more than one occasion, and I have answered (with the example I mentioned previously, as well as others).
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I'm just saying - I've followed your advice previously, and I'm still here. So your current advice is to just give up."

Yes, my advice to you is to *give up trying to change her* and accept her as she is.

And hells yes, send her my way...I'd love to give her advice.

The thing is, asking you a few times what to do and then not doing it, does not show a huge willingness and desire to learn and change.

Whereas someone coming here, reading books, asking lots of people (as well as their spouse) for advice, show a desire to learn and change and a person like that will be more likely to keep searching for answers until they find one or hit a dead end. I would not put her in that category, but you are in it for sure. Unfortunately, you seem to have hit a dead end.

Of course, it is only a dead end because you will never divorce her, from what I can tell. That's the one card you haven't played, (that I know of), but sometimes that is the only card that works. If a spouse thinks you'll never leave, they will not bother to change in the ways you need them to.

The ONLY cases I've heard of that actually improved to a significant degree were cases where an ultimatum was issued.


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## confusedinTX (May 9, 2008)

It is crap that he is putting it on you. Has he told you what he wants from you? what he finds sexy? Does he realize telling you that he is going to go elsewhere probably doesn't put you in the mood? Threats like that should never be used. Sexy is different for everyone. My husband likes when I wear red or a hockey jersey. Sure I put on a teddy sometimes to but everything I do are things I am comfortable doing. If he wants you to dress or do things you aren't comfortable with you won't be sexy. Sounds like he needs to grow up and honestly is looking for an excuse to cheat. Hate to say it because I know no one wants to hear it but my husband used to tell me similar things and as it turns out he was sleeping with escorts. He had to justify in his mind what he was doing because he couldn't claim we didn't have a sex life so it became I didn't do this or that enough. Be careful and take care of yourself and be true to yourself.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> Of course, it is only a dead end because you will never divorce her, from what I can tell. That's the one card you haven't played, (that I know of), but sometimes that is the only card that works. If a spouse thinks you'll never leave, they will not bother to change in the ways you need them to.
> 
> The ONLY cases I've heard of that actually improved to a significant degree were cases where an ultimatum was issued.


Here's the thing about that - her personality would not allow her to change because of the threat of divorce. She has major walls built up due to past relationships, and even something like that is not enough to bring them down, unfortunately. She does not want divorce, I know that. She loves me, and she wants to be with me. It's not even that these walls are more important to her than I am, or the marriage is, she's just not capable of bringing them down, and the thought of therapy terrifies her. It is what it is, and I have to roll with it (and I do, now).

But I'm still allowed to come here and vent, you know! Notice I haven't asked for advice about this. I put my 2 cents into this thread because it mirrors my own, however the OP in this case is the one who is in my wife's shoes, and she's here asking for advice. Therefore, my experiences with my wife and my marriage seem awfully relevant.

FW, I've always liked your advice, and even followed it, but I'm not a huge fan of how you talk to me when I put my 2 cents into a conversation such as this one. I am not complaining, nor looking for advice here. As said, I have relevant experience that I thought may benefit the OP in some way. This is not the first time you've read something I've written on somebody else's thread, and interjected with "I've already told you" and "you don't listen". You are more than entitled to do this should I ever start my own thread on this subject, but preferably not when I'm simply sharing my own experiences (with a little venting, which I'm allowed to do) in somebody else's thread. This thread isn't about me.

And believe it or not, I've taken what you, and others, have said to me and actually used it. I no longer stress about the situation I'm in, I no longer resent my wife (now that I know what the issues are) and I know what my options are (live with it, or divorce).

But this thread almost perfectly mirrors my own marriage, thus my 2 cents may be of help to the OP. It was her asking for advice, not me 

Basically, FW, it is clear you are sick of me here on TAM, and maybe you think I'm here solely for attention or sympathy (2 things which you have insinuated or outright told me). It's gotten to the point that when I wrote a post on a penis-size thread a while back, you accused me, publicly, of looking for attention for my own penis.  That embarrassed me horribly, and I was dumbfounded as to why you'd suggest something like that, from behind a computer screen, like you know me. You basically accused me of fishing for compliments.

I like you, you know that. We've had private conversations, and you've been a big help, and I've supported your outside ventures, yet it's gotten to the point where it almost seems as though you're purposefully trying to embarrass me here, and I have no idea why.

Can we just get back to the original thread now, and leave my issues out of this, please? As I said, I posted in this thread because my experience is completely relevant, not as a thread-jack, or as you seem to think, me looking for attention.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Alex...you have me wrong, but I can see why you do.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

beautymadness23 said:


> I honestly don't know. I don't feel like I'm all that sexual of a person...if I am horny, I don't usually need release and tendnot to do anything. I'm into it and enjoy it when he makes it happen, but I don't feel a desire to set the mood and tempt him. If he wants to, great, I'm in...and if not, that's cool too. I don't even masturbate. I get turned on by him initiating, otherwise its hard for me to get in the mood.


Don't you feel this is an unfair load on him to keep the (sexual) relationship going? Women tend to start out wanting sex -- eagerly -- at the start of a relationship; after kids, they lose their interest, as if it doesn't exist. This has been my experience/s. Real disappointing...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

The exact quote is: "He even said he finds himself looking for that elsewhere because I can't seem to do that for him."

While we don't know the other side of the story, I can feel some empathy here. In the early stages of our relationship/marriage, I was very committed to my partner. I'd not look at another woman, and even turned down no-rejection-possible sex offers from some good looking women.

Reason? She treated me well, and gave me all the sex a man of my make up needed. To even look at someone else was out of the question.

More recently, one finds myself looking at shapely women, fantasizing on the road, and wondering what sex would be with another partner, an old girlfriend, or someone I know and appreciate.

The reason is the same many men feel some years into a relationship. The sex dries up, and you get treated like crap. The sense of rejection and worthlessness is total. A bad combination. 

OP SAID: "We have a 3 year old son which certainly has changed our sex life some, but not to the point where we should have this problem."

For the male in me, the words "changed our sex life" is something that really rings a bell. We had great sex till our first kid came along. It changed almost to the day.... it still hurts!



Happilymarried25 said:


> He even said he finds himself looking for that elsewhere because I can't seem to do that for him.
> 
> What a jerk, I can't believe he said that, he was happy with you for many years and now all of a sudden he isn't? Is he erotic, sexy and sexual or he just wants you to be that way while he lays there? He needs to accept you the way you are. It sounds like you two have a great sex life so he should be happy and content.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Well put.

The problem with initiating sex is that it comes with the risk of rejection. Even in a relationship, even within marriage. Maybe more so!

The kind of hurt one feels after rejection is indescribable.

Is it possible that this reluctance to initiate is also a safe way to avoid even the possibility of rejection?

(As pointed out below, guys are very easy to arouse, and initiate into sex. Unless they're mad with you over something, or won't do it for some strong ethical reasons, there a 99.9% chance that a guy who is offered even the slightest hint of sex would grab it with both hands!)



alexm said:


> This. I am the husband of a wife who is exactly - EXACTLY - as Op described herself.
> 
> I am not tired of my wife, and I find her physically sexy as all hell. When I look at her, I want her, any day, any time.
> 
> ...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

The strip tease comparison is a bit off here, simply because women aren't as easily visually stimulated as men are... 

If I knew a woman would be aroused watching me, I'd do cartwheels to get her ... not just a striptease  



Faithful Wife said:


> Can you (any husband) stand there and do a strip tease for us, confidently and with known prowess? And make us horny for you, just by doing so?
> 
> No?
> 
> Then you can't expect your wife to naturally be able to do it, either.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

brownmale said:


> The strip tease comparison is a bit off here, simply because women aren't as easily visually stimulated as men are...
> 
> If I knew a woman would be aroused watching me, I'd do cartwheels to get her ... not just a striptease


Again...the visual thing...

But anyway...I don't know your story. Are you married? When you say "if I knew a woman would be aroused..." do you mean you have a wife, or no?

Do you know for sure she wouldn't enjoy it? Not necessarily get aroused, but maybe get sparked up a bit at least and ready for more?

Here's a cute video on how to strip for your woman. I liked this video because it isn't sleezy, and the man and woman are both very boy-girl-next-door...neither are stripper hotties...just a normal couple enjoying each other. It gives a very non-intimidating example of how this could go down and be fun for a couple.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7RTxxQ2hxE


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Before sitting in judgement, we might need to know more details -- how serious is this issue? What is the husband expecting exactly? Has he been feeling deprived for a long time? Is it something extraordinary he's expecting?

My partner has made it clear she'll never give me a BJ, because "I'm not that kind of a person". (I'm often giving her oral sex, even when she doesn't ask!) Sometimes, I feel so deprived that the thought crosses my mind of what would it feel like to be in a relationship with a woman who was more open about BJs, and understood the reason a male felt powerful receiving these...

Just an example...

(I also know it would be a huge, huge price to disrupt everything invested just to go after the forbidden/deprived fruit! Torn...)



Mrs.Submission said:


> Your husband's statement about looking somewhere else was mean spirited and worrisome. Spouses should never manipulate each other like that.If everything was fine for years and suddenly your husband is complaining about your sex life, he could possibly be having an affair or at least he is infatuated with another woman. He has even gone so far as to tell you that he will look elsewhere. I am seeing two big red flags.
> 
> If your husband wants you to be more erotic, he needs to stop chastising you about this issue. He also needs to be honest about where his sudden dissatisfaction comes from. Your husband should be able to show you exactly what he wants in bed from you.
> 
> My husband wanted me to try certain things that I was timid about. He never threatened me with cheating or put me down for being too shy. My husband patiently enticed me into being more sexually open. He helped me relax.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

confusedinTX said:


> It is crap that he is putting it on you. Has he told you what he wants from you? what he finds sexy?


Good question! I think you should ask him what exactly he wants. That way, you could know specifically whether you can give it, or it's too far fetched...

For example, the things I'd love my partner to do are:

* Initiate sex sometimes (at least 20% of the time, or even 10%)!
* Role play, e.g. that we're strangers having sex.
* Dirty talk
* Moaning during sex
* Lingerie. Sometimes.
* Oral, if she can bring herself to that
* Better skills with hand-jobs
* She calling the shots in sex (including female-on-top)
* MNFC (male naked female clothed power play)
* Light BSDM

Wonder wether OP (and the others) would consider this a reasonable list, or not. Background: she was almost always the initiator at the early stage of the relationship (including heavy making-out in the open, wilderness etc). But lost complete interest after the kids came along. (PS: Don't use this against me in some other thread!)


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My 2 cents on the "sex stops after kids/marriage" issue is that there is usually (often) a reason for it, and that reason is the other partner, even if in some minor way.

Often, we guys tend to blame our spouse for this, by telling ourselves it's bait and switch, or something along those lines.

To be sure, this does happen, but I don't think NEARLY as commonly as we assume it does.

The courtship and honeymoon periods of a relationship are normal and natural progressions of said relationship. We want to be at our best, then we get comfortable, and these things slip.

It's human nature, and it's normal. We see this in every day life as well, not just relationships. You see it in the workplace. Joe Blow spends 5 years in university, earns a degree, works their way up the ladder to a comfortable spot, then spends the next 25 years waiting for retirement. You see it in professional sports. Jane Doe trains hard since her youth, works out, gets drafted in to a pro league somewhere, gets her contract, and then mails it in, or washes out.

But for every Joe Blow, there's a Richard Branson. For every Jane Doe, there's a Lebron James. Some of us just don't happen to marry one of them, we get Joe or Jane instead.

Generally speaking, men tend to lose the more romantic and thoughtful side, and women tend to slip a little on the sex side of things. It's very much a generality, but it IS there. But the point is, things change once a relationship is forged and often the effort levels and such go by the wayside, often without consciously thinking about it.

This is why threat of divorce is such a common refrain around here (and for good reason). This can have the benefit of snapping one or both partners back into a time where effort levels were increased.

It's clear as day that healthy and happy marriages incorporate two partners who continue to act, and treat each other thusly, as though the relationship is still fresh and new.

So those of us who complain about this similar issue need to step back and question whether THEY are still treating their partner the way they did during the courtship process.

On rare occasions, yes, the one partner still is, and that's unfortunate. It's also possible that that partners needs have changed and the other hasn't noticed. Even if they are still doing A, B or C, perhaps they currently want D, E and F.

So for me, personally, yes, my wife doesn't respond sexually the way she used to, during the early days of our relationship. I don't believe I have stopped treating her the way I used to (at least not when her sexuality started to slide, anyway). But our issue is further complicated by the fact that she just doesn't communicate, and wouldn't communicate to me, if something is missing for her. She used to treat me like a sex god, but she no longer does, at least not as often. Whatever reason she has for this, she either doesn't know, or she won't tell me. I'd like to know, so that I can make her feel the way she did x-number of years ago, and I'm more than willing to do so.

And that's her prerogative I guess, but it's also her loss. To me, she has a man who WANTS her to feel the way she did when everything was new and exciting, and will do everything in my power to do so. But she can't (won't) effectively communicate to me how to go about doing this, if she even knows herself. As I said, at this point, it's her loss.

But, back to the point, far too often I see guys (and some women) come through here who simply point at their spouses as the sole issue as to why things are the way they are, without looking within themselves for answers. WAY too often I see men who come to TAM and state things like "But I have a great job, and I'm in shape, and I provide for my family and I'm an awesome father! Why won't she blow me???", thinking that that's all that is necessary to turn their wives on.

That said, it's also up to the other partner to communicate to them what it is THEY are missing, and how they can both get back on track. Unfortunately, like in the case of my wife, one partner just can't communicate, won't communicate, or perhaps just doesn't care enough TO communicate.



brownmale said:


> Good question! I think you should ask him what exactly he wants. That way, you could know specifically whether you can give it, or it's too far fetched...
> 
> For example, the things I'd love my partner to do are:
> 
> ...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

> My 2 cents on the "sex stops after kids/marriage" issue is that there is usually (often) a reason for it, and that reason is the other partner, even if in some minor way.


I have a much more simple outlook on life. 

Arranging and paying for a date or two a week and arranging to spend time together is cheaper and less complicated than pushing your career far enough forward to afford a mortgage, a couple cars, daycare etc. No, it isn't all on the male in today's economy but it tends to fall more heavily on one of the two. 

Having children physically changes the female brain.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

brownmale said:


> Before sitting in judgement, we might need to know more details -- how serious is this issue? What is the husband expecting exactly? Has he been feeling deprived for a long time? Is it something extraordinary he's expecting?
> 
> My partner has made it clear she'll never give me a BJ, because "I'm not that kind of a person". (I'm often giving her oral sex, even when she doesn't ask!) Sometimes, I feel so deprived that the thought crosses my mind of what would it feel like to be in a relationship with a woman who was more open about BJs, and understood the reason a male felt powerful receiving these...
> 
> ...


I'm not judging the situation. I am judging the awful things that the OP's husband said to her in order to change their sexual dynamic. Getting a spouse to be more sexually open should never involve threats to leave. That is manipulative and coercive. There are ways to entice a reluctant spouse which do not involve ultimatums. As for your wife, not all women enjoy giving oral. It all comes down to whether or not you are willing to accept this or not. Maybe your wife doesn't want to feel like you have power over her since you mentioned that. 

What he is expecting is irrelevant if he is going to resort to scare tactics in order to get the OP to do what he wants. 

Look, my husband has helped me try new things in bed. He NEVER got angry with me or said he was going to leave if I didn't do what he wanted. My husband and I respect each other too much for that. My husband was understanding and patient. The tenderness helped me open up and overcome my sexual issues.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

That's precisely my point: it depends on how desperate he is, and how giving you are...



Mrs.Submission said:


> Look, my husband has helped me try new things in bed. He NEVER got angry with me or said he was going to leave if I didn't do what he wanted. My husband and I respect each other too much for that. My husband was understanding and patient. The tenderness helped me open up and overcome my sexual issues.


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## beautymadness23 (Nov 8, 2013)

I want to thank everyone for their advice. My husband and I had a very long talk about it and here isare the conclusions we made:

I seem to only crave sex for the emotional connection it brings. Many women seem to have a primal, caenal, animalistic need to satisfy those needs physically....I only seem to desire it for emotional reasons. 

I can have sex with husband, and that's enough for me. He pursues, cums, and that's good enough for me. I feel like I'm a no frills, no bells and whistles kind of person in regards to sex. 

I enjoy sex a lot when we're having it, but I don't try to be sexy because I'm not trying to achieve something phsycially. Women sometimes dress sexy because they want to attract a man who they find sexy and have those sexual needs met. That is if theyre looking for a hookup of course. But even in relationships, the girls will dress a certain way to turn the bf on so he'll want to have sex with her cause it does something for her. They feel the horniness and have to do something about it. I feel it and just get on with my day. I don't dress sexy with my husband too much because I'm not trying to do that. I just want my emotional need for sex met and I can have that done if i'm scrubby or all hot. 

I don't care about looks seriously. I rarely look at someone and think he's hot, I wanna bang him. Sexuality is secondary to personality and heart. Which is great, but it makes my husband feel like indont desire him in a physical say. He is not singleds out of course, cause I don't seem to view anyone like that. But he wants to feel like I desire him phsycially where I want to jump his bones. But that's not how it works for me. He's attractive to me, but I must be honest...I don't notice that aspect of him too much. It's the feelings he gives me and his qualities.

Sometimes I feel defective or broken. I don't think all this is normal. U watch the movies and see these vixens who can seduce. They can do bold sexual acts impulsively cause theyre horny and just have to get it on. 

I guess I don't just have sex for sex, I have it for reasons deeper than that. It'd be nice to just feel horny and want to do it for purely physical reasons. That's what my husband can't wrap his mind around and wants. We are going to work thru this though. He wants nothing mkre than for us to have a great sexual relationship. He even said that we're not gonna have sex till I can make myself cum...as in pushing me to find a way to tap into that part of myself. Whether that's the right way to go about it, I don't know.


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

Every situation is different and as we all do, there are little intimate details left out. That being said, if you are not comfortable with doing what it might take to save your relationship, then its over and won't get any better. I am not saying you can or will change, maybe its not you. Maybe its possible you have let your sexual prowess diminish somewhat, it happens. So your decision is, do you want to do those things or not? If not, then let him go, if so then get back your groove or change some things. There are always things we are willing to change and others we are not. Your move


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Been following this thread for a bit, but haven't read all the post...just too many. I'm in a similar situation with my wife... she doesn't have the sex drive that I do and I want more for both of us. She is willing to learn and try to increase her sex drive.... just don't have the right tools or counseling, yet.

There's a LOT of online programs, courses, online therapy sessions, etc. Also, there's local therapists (which we have had very poor luck with). 

Would be really nice is someone that has been successful with this, post their solutions.... or folks that have had good luck with certain programs, online therapy (or phone therapy), etc. Would love to see some success recommendations.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

While you shouldn't be too harsh on yourself, I think you should not absolve yourself of all responsibility, in a way that makes you feel you need not even try.

A number of women seem to take up this approach, specially if they're in a long-time marriage.

I'm sure they don't do it on purpose, but perhaps just feel that they don't have to prove themselves anymore, they are in a 'confirmed job', and don't face any risks so need not try too hard in seducing their partner.

How wrong could they be...

From my own experience: once, after a series of rejections and failed attempts at having sex with my partner, I just created a scene and told her I was not interested. And didn't want any kind of charity sex. That night, she was horny in a way I've not seen her for a long, long time.

Women who are divorced, or not yet married, also have an amazing ability to enjoy sex. It's only when you have a steady supply of it (and don't realise its value) that you take it for granted. This is increasingly happening with guys too, specially when they get more sex than they need!

(As for your partner saying he is not interested till you cum, I know that sounds very rude and pressure-oriented. But, on the other hand, try and understand the pressure he goes through in having to ensure the sexual satisfaction of two persons. Even while you, in his view probably, take a 'don't care' or 'can't do it' approach. I used to struggle this way myself; till online porn and learning from the experiences from others taught me that penile-vaginal sex isn't the best way for making a woman climax. I'm often using my hand, giving her head, and even bought some toys, which make our orgasm-equation a little bit less unfair! I would have liked her to cum more often, but it's not easy for her, and she definitely doesn't try as hard...)



beautymadness23 said:


> I want to thank everyone for their advice. My husband and I had a very long talk about it and here isare the conclusions we made:
> 
> I seem to only crave sex for the emotional connection it brings. Many women seem to have a primal, caenal, animalistic need to satisfy those needs physically....I only seem to desire it for emotional reasons.
> 
> ...


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I think you need to learn how to "let go" of control and be a freak. An old friend told me once I needed to f-ck my wife like a ***** and stop being a square or she would cheat. I started doing it and she LOVES it. I love it too. I was abused by my Mom as a kid, so it took me some time to get used to it.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

beautymadness23 said:


> I have been with my husband 5 years, married for a few months. So we are newlyweds in a way, but have been together so long, that we're past that stage, if that makes sense.
> 
> We have had some sexual "issues" for a long time. It's always bothered my husband, but he tries not to let it get to him and accept me for who I am. He tries to put it out of his mind and make the best of it, but it always comes back up. It came up recently for the first time since we've been married.
> 
> ...


...I can give you lessons if you want?

:x

(JK)


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## RAYMOND (Feb 5, 2010)

Can't make out what he wants. We should accept our wives as they are. That doesn't mean that the bedroom cannot develop just that one has to recognise the person you married and who they are. You sound a bit like my wife. She is very loving but I initiate. I cannot make her into something she is not but I can encourage things that are already latent in her. She is very conservative but exels at one of the things I really wanted. I hope I can satisfy her in every way. In and out of the bedroom.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

RAYMOND said:


> Can't make out what he wants. We should accept our wives as they are. That doesn't mean that the bedroom cannot develop just that one has to recognise the person you married and who they are. You sound a bit like my wife. She is very loving but I initiate. I cannot make her into something she is not but I can encourage things that are already latent in her. She is very conservative but exels at one of the things I really wanted. I hope I can satisfy her in every way. In and out of the bedroom.


Raymond,

Good post, especially about satisfying her in and out of the bedroom.

However, people CAN change, and yes, you can change your wife, she will react to your actions. Especially is she WANTS to change, and that's what the OP wants. No, it may not be dramatic, but I've seen dramatic changes in people at times.

There are numerous coaches and counselors out there for sex, along with many programs. The OP can find help, she's WAY too young not to solve this problem. 

Not a heck of a lot different that any improvement activity. We work out and eat right for our physical health. We go to school or seminars for our mind health. And we solve additions with professional help.. like smoking, drinking, overweight, bad habits, etc. 

And, we get sex help and training to solve our sexual problems, and for improvement. But wish I had all the answers.


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## Normalguy062302 (Dec 30, 2015)

It's the modern computer internet age....use it! Go online and look up some stuff on what to do to be more assertive in sex. If you want to watch some porn, watch the girl and see what she does that is so alluring for men. It's how the woman acts that attracts men to porn....not the porn itself. Porn stars basically worship the men they have sex with. Go get some naughty lingerie (ie - crotchless panties, push up shelf bras, teddies, bodystockings) and watch what porn stars do. One of the best is Kendra Lust....she seems to really enjoy what she is doing and basically worships the man. One thing to remember when trying to seduce him is this.....you need to seem to be extremely horny. You can tease him and whatnot but it all has to end up around his "member" if you know what I mean. He wants you to be so horny that you can't seem to get enough of his "member". Worship that and you will be well on your way to being the sex goddess he desires.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Normalguy062302 said:


> It's the modern computer internet age....use it! Go online and look up some stuff on what to do to be more assertive in sex. If you want to watch some porn, watch the girl and see what she does that is so alluring for men. It's how the woman acts that attracts men to porn....not the porn itself. Porn stars basically worship the men they have sex with. Go get some naughty lingerie (ie - crotchless panties, push up shelf bras, teddies, bodystockings) and watch what porn stars do. One of the best is Kendra Lust....she seems to really enjoy what she is doing and basically worships the man. One thing to remember when trying to seduce him is this.....you need to seem to be extremely horny. You can tease him and whatnot but it all has to end up around his "member" if you know what I mean. He wants you to be so horny that you can't seem to get enough of his "member". Worship that and you will be well on your way to being the sex goddess he desires.


Yea, you can get a few idea watching porn, but it's FAR from realism. I've never had a time like the porn stars do it, and not sure I'd want it. It's easy to be MUCH more creative and much more fun and sexy. I have watched that crap in years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I did a post yrs ago here / saved it for those struggling with different libido types.. (I have another test on Lover styles I could post too)... 

You are clearly a *RECEPTIVE lover*... and your husband is CRAVING more of the *EROTIC *.. 

In our marriage.. I'm the more EROTIC over him (a little backwards from the norm)... I've never had a problem initiating... I have , however, whined I wanted him to be more Erotic.. Us Erotics can be hard to please I'm afraid... 

In the book "Sheet Music"...it compared 2 different men...one was explained like this....

"Ted wants his wife to be the sexual aggressor. He loves it when she pushes him over & jumps on top; it's the most thrilling thing he's ever known to watch his wife actively take part in the sexual act and actually work to find the position where she receives the most stimulation. And when she's expressive about how good shes feeling , Ted can barely contain his excitement". When I 1st read this.. I said to myself.. "this is all my husband!!....I take it this is what your husband is seeking more of - for you to be comfortable here...grow in this ... 

Back to that old post....

Our differences in Libido types ...so often there is a disconnect/ misunderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...

So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another







... one partner may crave more Positions/more spicing/ flirting/ teasing/ role play.... one may have a fetish....one may prefer the sensual "making Love"/ the other something of a more WILD Lust adventure ...One may enjoy the confident Erotic Aggressor ... another naturally more passive/ less of an initiator... some are such Pleasers by nature, they will struggle to feel "fulfilled" unless their partner is wholly satisfied. 

To come to understand our Partner's Lover style ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....







When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 







...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

#11 - As long as you're unhappy, I don't care how unhappy I am.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other... hopefully he will be one that is more prone to "*pursuing*"...in this way - you are "sexually compatible" for the most part...

If, however, he is one who *prefers to be pursued*.. ..this would explain why he keeps bringing this up.. 

Very unfortunate though.. this should have been figured out while dating...if he needed more, spoke up then...opened that up... working it out.. or parting ways.. his words to look elsewhere is very hurtful, damaging.. putting pressure on you -to change...this will affect your trust.. feeling "SAFE" / loved & cared for...just knowing this is in the back of his mind.. Has he apologized for speaking this - in any way? 



> ....*These 1st 4 Lover Styles prefer their Romance & Love to be "TRADITIONAL" rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary*...
> 
> *1*. *The Classic Lover*- you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I know a lot has already been said here but if my hb EVER told me he'd look elsewhere to coerce me into doing things our sex life would be over.

I would do and have done lots of things with him that we both enjoy and my mind is open with him. 

But threatening to look elsewhere if I'm not a porn actress? GTFO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Normalguy062302 said:


> If you want to watch some porn, watch the girl and see what she does that is so alluring for men. It's how the woman acts that attracts men to porn....not the porn itself.


You mean having dead eyes and faking orgasms?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> You mean having dead eyes and faking orgasms?


Porn: women giving and men taking, while women pretend to like it.

The ultimate lazy man's fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other... hopefully he will be one that is more prone to "*pursuing*"...in this way - you are "sexually compatible" for the most part...
> >>>>>>>


Simply,
I like tests that discover things and have validity and don't require an email so they can spam. This one fails in all aspects. Bogus and not valid info.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

beautymadness23 said:


> I have been with my husband 5 years, married for a few months. So we are newlyweds in a way, but have been together so long, that we're past that stage, if that makes sense.
> 
> We have had some sexual "issues" for a long time. It's always bothered my husband, but he tries not to let it get to him and accept me for who I am. He tries to put it out of his mind and make the best of it, but it always comes back up. It came up recently for the first time since we've been married.
> 
> ...




Try these:


How to Turn Him - 15 Ways to Seduce Him No Matter Where You Are


How to Seduce your Husband and Make Him Desire you Like Never Before | Futurescopes.com


https://books.google.ca/books?id=gP...v=onepage&q=be a vixen for your hubby&f=false


I know you'll do just fine.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> You mean having dead eyes and faking orgasms?


Don't forget peeing = woman having an orgasm.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I know a lot has already been said here but if my hb EVER told me he'd look elsewhere to coerce me into doing things our sex life would be over.
> 
> I would do and have done lots of things with him that we both enjoy and my mind is open with him.
> 
> ...


Smart woman!

The correct response to coercion is to leave.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

>>>>>
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
I know a lot has already been said here but if my hb EVER told me he'd look elsewhere to coerce me into doing things our sex life would be over.

I would do and have done lots of things with him that we both enjoy and my mind is open with him. 

But threatening to look elsewhere if I'm not a porn actress? GTFO.
<<<<<




jld said:


> Smart woman!
> 
> The correct response to coercion is to leave.


No, the correct response to CORRECT the situation, and save your marriage!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

November said:


> >>>>>
> Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
> I know a lot has already been said here but if my hb EVER told me he'd look elsewhere to coerce me into doing things our sex life would be over.
> 
> ...


If she leaves, he will change his tune pretty quickly.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

beautymadness23 said:


> *Sometimes I feel defective or broken. I don't think all this is normal. *U watch the movies and see these vixens who can seduce. They can do bold sexual acts impulsively cause theyre horny and just have to get it on.
> 
> I guess I don't just have sex for sex, I have it for reasons deeper than that. It'd be nice to just feel horny and want to do it for purely physical reasons. That's what my husband can't wrap his mind around and wants. We are going to work thru this though. He wants nothing mkre than for us to have a great sexual relationship. *He even said that we're not gonna have sex till I can make myself cum...*as in pushing me to find a way to tap into that part of myself. Whether that's the right way to go about it, I don't know.


This post would make a great case study in what goes wrong in most relationships. Guy watches porn and thinks that females are ravenous with desire and orgasm instantly and repeatedly upon PIV. Same guy compares wife's ability to enjoy sex to women and porn, notices it is not the same, and declares something is wrong. He refuses to blame himself for failing to see that most everything in porn is fake. Women in porn behave the way they do because (A) they are getting paid or (B) they like the attention, NOT because they are ravenous with desire and orgasm instantly and repeatedly upon PIV. 
@beautymadness23 I think you need to tell you husband that many women can cum from ONLY having their nipples stimulated. Since your husband ALSO has nipples, you should ask him to demonstrate his ability to do that to himself. Tell him you are willing to wait as long as it takes and you will even allow him to put a vibrator on his nipples if needed. *If he can not cum this way HE should be the one made feel defective or broken*. *You should even say that we're not gonna have sex till he can make himself cum this way AND desire it...* ...long story short this is what he has been doing to you.

Here are some facts...

• everyone's sexuality is different.
• many women feel inadequate or broken even though they are completely healthy because they compare their sexuality to a model different than their own.
• many people enjoy sex without a need to orgasm.
• some people enjoy sex more when orgasms are purposely avoided and/or achieved inadvertently during moments of intimate relaxation. 
• orgasms are only required in male sexuality in order to procreate. 
• scientific studies show that a woman's ability to orgasm during sex has no real effect on her ability to get pregnant. If anything, semen travels better to the ovaries if the female does not orgasm (Dr Emily Nagoski ISBN 978-1-4767-6209-8)

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

November said:


> >>>>>
> Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
> I know a lot has already been said here but if my hb EVER told me he'd look elsewhere to coerce me into doing things our sex life would be over.
> 
> ...


Threatening a spouse with infidelity, for whatever reason, is grounds for divorce. No sense wasting one more day with someone who cares so little about their partner.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Lila said:


> Threatening a spouse with infidelity, for whatever reason, is grounds for divorce. No sense wasting one more day with someone who cares so little about their partner.


Well, we can agree to disagree on that one.

If I were ever threatened with "I'll go elsewhere" I would try to examine why such a statement was made, and if it were serious. Either way, I'd NOT run, and put another knife in the wound, if I cared. I would solve the problem. And the question could be "who is caring so little?"

Fortunately I've never had to make that choice.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

badsanta said:


> @beautymadness23 I think you need to tell you husband that many women can cum from ONLY having their nipples stimulated. Since your husband ALSO has nipples, you should ask him to demonstrate his ability to do that to himself. Tell him you are willing to wait as long as it takes and you will even allow him to put a vibrator on his nipples if needed. *If he can not cum this way HE should be the one made feel defective or broken*. *You should even say that we're not gonna have sex till he can make himself cum this way AND desire it...* ...long story short this is what he has been doing to you.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


Great post, Badsanta!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

November said:


> Well, we can agree to disagree on that one.
> 
> If I were ever threatened with "I'll go elsewhere" I would try to examine why such a statement was made, and if it were serious. Either way, I'd NOT run, and put another knife in the wound, if I cared. I would solve the problem. And the question could be "who is caring so little?"
> 
> Fortunately I've never had to make that choice.


Well then, if that's how things roll maybe I'll inform my hb that unless he provides the lifestyle I'm entitled to I'll be looking elsewhere. Then he can examine how to make more money to fix the problem. 

I wonder how that would work? 

Fortunately we don't have this kind of marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well then, if that's how things roll maybe I'll inform my hb that unless he provides the lifestyle I'm entitled to I'll be looking elsewhere. Then he can examine how to make more money to fix the problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

November said:


> Well, we can agree to disagree on that one.
> 
> If I were ever threatened with "I'll go elsewhere" I would try to examine why such a statement was made, and if it were serious. Either way, I'd NOT run, and *put another knife in the wound*, if I cared. I would solve the problem. And the question could be "who is caring so little?"
> 
> Fortunately I've never had to make that choice.


I don't consider it 'putting another knife in the wound'. I consider it giving my spouse exactly what he wants. 

In OP's case, her spouse wants an 'erotic' (by his definition) partner. Whether that partner is her or someone else is moot. That just tells me he cares very little for her and sees her as easily replaceable. So why should she waste her time with someone like that. Cut the loses. I say OP give him what he wants, freedom to find someone who can meet his sexual expectations, and give herself the freedom to find a man who will give her the love and respect her current husband can't seem to muster.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well then, if that's how things roll maybe I'll inform my hb that unless he provides the lifestyle I'm entitled to I'll be looking elsewhere. Then he can examine how to make more money to fix the problem.
> 
> I wonder how that would work?
> 
> ...





Lila said:


> I don't consider it 'putting another knife in the wound'. I consider it giving my spouse exactly what he wants.
> 
> In OP's case, her spouse wants an 'erotic' (by his definition) partner. Whether that partner is her or someone else is moot. That just tells me he cares very little for her and sees her as easily replaceable. So why should she waste her time with someone like that. Cut the loses. I say OP give him what he wants, freedom to find someone who can meet his sexual expectations, and give herself the freedom to find a man who will give her the love and respect her current husband can't seem to muster.


Well, that's your choice, and no wonder there's so many divorces.... just saying. People don't try anymore.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

November said:


> Well, that's your choice, and no wonder there's so many divorces.... just saying. People don't try anymore.


I assure you, deciding not to accept a spouse's threat of infidelity does not mean one is 'not trying anymore'. It only means that one respects themselves and chooses not to be emotionally abused. But to each their own I guess.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> I assure you, deciding not to accept a spouse's threat of infidelity does not mean one is 'not trying anymore'. It only means that one respects themselves and chooses not to be emotionally abused. But to each their own I guess.


Taking a page from jld's playbook here...perhaps rather than looking at the specific words chosen, in this case "looking for it somewhere else" look at what the meaning actually is, and try and understand the feelings behind it...if this doesn't improve, I'm not going to be able to stay in the marriage. I will agree that the choice of words, and suggesting infidelity is very bad form, but as far as the sentiment, we see plenty of threads around here where it boils down to just that...there have to be certain changes or the marriage can't continue.

I'm with November in that my knee jerk reaction to such a statement wouldn't be one of defensiveness. It would be one of introspection.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Taking a page from jld's playbook here...perhaps rather than looking at the specific words chosen, in this case "looking for it somewhere else" look at what the meaning actually is, and try and understand the feelings behind it...if this doesn't improve, I'm not going to be able to stay in the marriage. I will agree that the choice of words, and suggesting infidelity is very bad form, but as far as the sentiment, we see plenty of threads around here where it boils down to just that...there have to be certain changes or the marriage can't continue.
> 
> I'm with November in that my knee jerk reaction to such a statement wouldn't be one of defensiveness. It would be one of introspection.


Threats can be taken one of two ways: a) as scare tactics used to force an action or b) the truth. It may be naive of me but I choose to take folks at their word. What you call defensiveness, I call acknowledging a request. There's no sense wasting your or their time if your best efforts are not meeting their expectations.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

beautymadness23 said:


> Sexuality is secondary to personality and heart.





beautymadness23 said:


> I guess I don't just have sex for sex, I have it for reasons deeper than that.


Would it be fair to say that you consider a value system that puts personality and heart above sex, to be superior to one that has them the other way around? That you perhaps even look down on those who value sexuality and eroticism for it's own sake? I sense that you view sexuality and eroticism in a negative light. That you can appreciate from an intellectual perspective (and even a physical perspective) that they are positive, healthy, enjoyable things, but that when it all boils down, your inner, emotional self considers sexuality and eroticism to be of significantly less value than, say, personality and heart?

People will tell you that there's nothing wrong with that, and there's not. But there is something wrong with it if it's hurting your partner. He's asking you to adjust your values and find a way to put sexuality and eroticism on a par with personality and heart. And he's trying to convince you that if you can achieve it, you'll also get lots of positive things from it. He's right.

You probably think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to adjust your values, and others will agree, but it's no more unreasonable for him to expect you to adjust your values than it is unreasonable for you to expect him to accept a lift that does not fit his values.

Rights or Wrongs aside, you can expect him to accept things as they are, commit to a path of non-change and see what happens. But I suspect there's room for compromise, although not without genuine, lasting change on the fact that you don't place much value on sexuality and eroticism.

Like it or not, you need to change the value you place on sex and eroticism if you want your husband to be happy and fulfilled.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I would put it slightly differently than hubbudude. I would say that the OP isn't wrong for seeing sexuality and eroticism as bad or wrong, or in seeing people who flaunt their sexuality as "less than" people who hold to "higher" values. She isn't wrong or bad for having her views, but she is a bad match for her current husband. She needs to be married to someone who either has a similar view on sex, or has such a low drive for sex that he doesn't care how she views sex because he isn't interested in having much sex anyway.

And that is the central issue here. Her husband does not view sex as bad or wrong, or as something less important than personality or heart. He views sex as something beautiful and wonderful and an equally valuable aspect of one's life partner. He isn't bad or wrong for seeing it that way, but he is a bad match for the OP.

The question is whether one or both of them can adjust their views to get closer to what their spouse thinks. If they cannot, then they should do each other a favor and seriously think about divorce. Because if they stay together and neither changes their view then they are going to torture each other for the rest of their marriage. And that is no way to live.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Lila said:


> Threats can be taken one of two ways: a) as scare tactics used to force an action or b) the truth. It may be naive of me but I choose to take folks at their word. What you call defensiveness, I call acknowledging a request. There's no sense wasting your or their time if your best efforts are not meeting their expectations.


Good point, but are you willing to throw a relationship to the wolves because of ONE scare tactic?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

November said:


> Good point, but are you willing to throw a relationship to the wolves because of ONE scare tactic?


Yes.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

jld said:


> Yes.


I find your signature quote quite interesting:

<<<One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man>>>

You won't stand tall if you man has an emotional storm? We would NOT make it a day!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

November said:


> I find your signature quote quite interesting:
> 
> <<<One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man>>>
> 
> You won't stand tall if you man has an emotional storm? We would NOT make it a day!


I would not be with him if he were emotional.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

jld said:


> I would not be with him if he were emotional.


Why the emotional quote?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

November said:


> Why the emotional quote?


It does not go both ways in my marriage. Not our dynamic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

November said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Threats can be taken one of two ways: a) as scare tactics used to force an action or b) the truth. It may be naive of me but I choose to take folks at their word. What you call defensiveness, I call acknowledging a request. There's no sense wasting your or their time if your best efforts are not meeting their expectations.
> ...


Yes, I would because to me threats are truth. 

I don't ever buy the whole "I didn't mean it" after a threat of divorce for example. Nope, that person meant it, had no intention of saying it, but the filter fell off in a moment of anger and frustration.

And even if I believed threats to be scare tactics, I'd still probably end up leaving the relationship. That's a problem....they have the potential to scare a partner into a completely unforeseen (and undesired) direction.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

Lila said:


> Yes, I would because to me threats are truth.
> 
> I don't ever buy the whole "I didn't mean it" after a threat of divorce for example. Nope, that person meant it, had no intention of saying it, but the filter fell off in a moment of anger and frustration.
> 
> And even if I believed threats to be scare tactics, I'd still probably end up leaving the relationship. That's a problem....they have the potential to scare a partner into a completely unforeseen (and undesired) direction.


Wow,
I would thing that you and jld could do well with a course in personal relationship. I can't believe that your first reaction wouldn't be "what prompted that" and do what you had to do to save your relationship! I can't imagine a man putting up with a one sided attitude like you and jld come across with for a minute. Perhaps I've misunderstood you, or you just like to be single. Am I really reading this right?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

November said:


> Wow,
> I would thing that you and jld could do well with a course in personal relationship. I can't believe that your first reaction wouldn't be "what prompted that" and do what you had to do to save your relationship! I can't imagine a man putting up with a one sided attitude like you and jld come across with for a minute. Perhaps I've misunderstood you, or you just like to be single. Am I really reading this right?



Meh, if having respect for and expecting respect from others is having a 'one-sided attitude' then so be it. 

Acquiescing to threats teaches the person who is shelling out the threats that this is an acceptable form of getting what they want or forcing issues. It's rewarding bad behavior. 

Thankfully my husband and I learned healthy communication skills way back when we got together almost 22 years ago. We never insult one another and we never use threats. Frankly, I'd lose all respect for him if he let me steamroll him with scare tactics...but that's just me. I'm sure he feels the same way about me.

But hey, to each their own. If this is how you and your spouse communicate, and it works for you, then great! I prefer to act like an adult to get my message across.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> Meh, if having respect for and expecting respect from others is having a 'one-sided attitude' then so be it.
> 
> Acquiescing to threats teaches the person who is shelling out the threats that this is an acceptable form of getting what they want or forcing issues. It's rewarding bad behavior.
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying here, and likewise, I tend to choose my words very wisely, especially when it is important. I want no misunderstanding. I also don't threaten or bluff. If I say it, I mean it.

That said, I do realize and accept that others may not have the restraint and filter that I do, and I try to at least give others some opportunity clarify. That is not to say that I necessarily give them the benefit of the doubt though.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I get what you are saying here, and likewise, I tend to choose my words very wisely, especially when it is important. I want no misunderstanding. I also don't threaten or bluff. If I say it, I mean it.
> 
> *That said, I do realize and accept that others may not have the restraint and filter that I do, and I try to at least give others some opportunity clarify. That is not to say that I necessarily give them the benefit of the doubt though*.


Sam,

At least you give them a chance. I can't imagine someone throwing their loved one out for having a bad day and making inappropriate comments. If I really loved them, I'd fight for them. NO downside. People DO make mistakes... and that's very minor compared to some mistakes we see on this forum.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is a twit. When my wife gets her clothes off that is critic enough for me. 

And if she wears her leather skirt... Oh. Sorry. What were we talking about? 

Oh, your husband being a twit. Now I remember. 

Get him to buy lots of sexy underwear and sexy clothing and get him to show you how he wants you to look. By modelling them for you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

November said:


> Sam,
> 
> At least you give them a chance. I can't imagine someone throwing their loved one out for having a bad day and making inappropriate comments. If I really loved them, I'd fight for them. NO downside. People DO make mistakes... and that's very minor compared to some mistakes we see on this forum.


My husband is very careful with the words he uses with me. He says he knows his words have more weight than mine, and he does not want to scare me.


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

jld said:


> My husband is very careful with the words he uses with me. He says he knows his words have more weight than mine, and he does not want to scare me.


He's probably scared chitless... I wouldn't be in his shoes for anything. The stress must be unbearable.


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