# Am I Overreacting?



## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

About 2 days ago, I was helping my husband back up his phone, since he has a lot of personal information on it. It was meant to be harmless. Then, he told me not to look at his 'notes'. I asked why, originally playing around, but I saw the look on his face that it was something serious. Then, I looked at them. In the notes, there was a copied and pasted email between my husband and a childhood crush he had insisted 'were just friends' during the whole 4 years we've been married. 

Basically, one of the emails has my husband telling her that he can't believe he has to wait a week to talk to her again, and the other one is her responding to an email when he told her he was in love with her. She states she can't be friends with him any more because they are both married, and that basically if they weren't married then things would be different. She also said she was going to listen to the 'song' he wrote for her. 

Also in the notes were the lyrics to that song. They are graphically sexual, and honestly very upsetting. So, to summarize, he has told her he loves her and that he wants to **** her.

I confronted my husband, and he admitted he had said he loved her. He gave the excuse that we were in a bad place and that was his way of acting out, that he had been talking to her on the phone too much (news to me), and that he didn't really mean it. I then asked if he did love her, and he couldn't muster up a "no".
He doesn't think it's a big deal.

He's right about us being in a bad place, because HE was starting arguments on what seemed like every morning. He would yell about the stupidest things, and wouldn't hold back calling me names. We weren't having any sex because of the constant anger from him. I wasn't going to put up with any of it, and I definitely wasn't going to let him call me a b***** then have sex with him - which he states is the reason for his little email fling.

A little background on the girl - he's had a thing for her since grade school and she's never given him the time of day, other than sending him racy pictures through email (before we met and while she was engaged), but she's slept with most of his friends (this is what he told me). She is perfect in his mind, both physically and mentally. He takes up for her, even when his best friend doesn't like her because of her stringing him along all these years. He hasn't seen her in person for probably about 6 years or so, but I'm sure they've done some sort of Skyping, etc. and I think she likes the attention my husband has and does give her.

I honestly feel like he's being a lying, manipulative <insert mean word here> and he's trying to basically play around with my emotions. I'm also thinking that if she would have agreed to whatever his point was with that email, he would have definitely been up for being unfaithful.

I have been boiling from this for days, but haven't told anyone. My husband is staying quiet and we are not talking about it (he appears to think if he does that for long enough, I will forget about it), so I am left here to just think about it ALL THE TIME.

I'm thinking about leaving, but I'm not sure if I'm jumping the gun. I don't know how or if I can get over the fact that he told another woman he loves her, and sent that pornographic-like song he wrote for her. 

Any advice?


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

EA at the very least. Start to pack your bags and see what he does.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

YOu caught this before it grew from an EA to a PA.

IMO, it would likely have become sexual. 

The texts and emails sound similar to my husband's texts and emails. 

Lots of complaining about perspective spouses, missing you, can't wait to talk to you. 

He never said he lover her though. 

The fights too sound all to familiar. My husband and I rarely fought bitterly, but in the months of the affair, he was starting bitter below the belt type of arguments for no reason. 

You should be angry. You should be worried. He is rug sweeping. 

When I was first alerted to my husbands affair by anonymous letters, he said it was nothing, than more letters came and more and more and more......It was definitely something and a lot more serious than he initially admitted. 

Secret bank accounts, credit cards a burn phone, lots of texting and late night emailing. 

In fact, he was emailing her as a lay beside him in bed. 

It's so humiliating. I feel like an idiot.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

I would be crushed 

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

ilgitano said:


> EA at the very least. Start to pack your bags and see what he does.


I know that he doesn't think I will leave. I think he's under the impression that since I'm a genuinely nice person, he can get away with this. Not going to happen, especially since I don't foresee myself being able to 'sweep this under the rug'.

I would pack my bags, but I don't have anywhere to go. We have moved around a lot since we got together and I don't hardly have a support system. If I'm going to leave, I will have to have a place set up, etc. before I do that. 

I make all the money, so that should be too difficult.


Sara8 - I know about the humiliation you feel. I feel utterly and completely humiliated. Especially to know that my husband has been thinking about someone else during a great part of each day. He's never written me a song.

I also feel like an idiot. I feel like he's playing me, even now.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

E8H3 said:


> About 2 days ago, I was helping my husband back up his phone, since he has a lot of personal information on it. It was meant to be harmless. Then, he told me not to look at his 'notes'. I asked why, originally playing around, but I saw the look on his face that it was something serious. Then, I looked at them. In the notes, there was a copied and pasted email between my husband and a childhood crush he had insisted 'were just friends' during the whole 4 years we've been married.
> 
> Basically, one of the emails has my husband telling her that he can't believe he has to wait a week to talk to her again, and the other one is her responding to an email when he told her he was in love with her. She states she can't be friends with him any more because they are both married, and that basically if they weren't married then things would be different. She also said she was going to listen to the 'song' he wrote for her.
> 
> ...


OK - he told her he loved her. He could not tell you that he did not love her.

No room for three in a marriage, someone has to go. You've only been married 4 years. You did not mention children, so time for you to leave. His behavior is immature and childish. You can expect more of the same if you stay.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> OK - he told her he loved her. He could not tell you that he did not love her.
> 
> No room for three in a marriage, someone has to go. You've only been married 4 years. You did not mention children, so time for you to leave. His behavior is immature and childish. You can expect more of the same if you stay.


You're right, we don't have children. I think you're right. I just need to gather the courage.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

andscor said:


> Why should she move out of her house just because he may have cheated?


 I agree. She "makes all the money," meaning she pays the rent or mortgage payment. Just tell him it's time for him to go. Better yet, pack for him and put his bags on the porch.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

No kids?

Tell him to LEAVE or kick his ass out!

Take control, You make the decisions. DON'T be the victim.
Be in control. You have all the control, based on his actions.

BE STRONG!!!!!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

river rat said:


> I agree. She "makes all the money," meaning she pays the rent or mortgage payment. Just tell him it's time for him to go. Better yet, pack for him and put his bags on the porch.


Yep, he's unemployed and we're both going to school. I guess that's where he got all that time for the EA from... while I was working to support us.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Any advice on what to do if he won't leave? I have the sneaking suspicion that when I ask him to leave, he's not going to do it easily.

I feel like such a baby asking these questions


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Look at filing for legal seperation with an order to have exclusive rights to the homestead, especially if you are the one making the payments!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Just some other thoughts to vent my anger:

I think the main things that are bothering me now, after learning about the initial details are (1) I can tell he's mad that she didn't reciprocate the feelings - he said he thought she was not very sensitive about what he said when he said he loved her, (2) He says he doesn't care if her husband finds out, and that he's not scared, (3) He's holding on to the emails, and pictures of her, and (4) He's angry that I found out. 

This is just terrible. I know I need to get him to leave. All the emotions are coming together now. Especially all the plans we've made for our future together. Even though in his mind, this all happened and was over a month ago, and our relationship started drastically improving, I just found out - so it's happening now for me, and that improvement seems like a lie, since I'm SECOND best to him.

I also do appreciate the support from you all. Since I don't really have a support system, or anyone I trust to call, I feel A LOT better, getting it out and hearing opinions from people that are not my husband.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would kick him out too. 

When I kicked my hubby out he didn't believe I would actually do it. He ignored me at first, and started putzing around in the garage. We DO have kids, so I finally went to him and, in a barely suppressed raging lunatic voice told him he was taking them to a movie, dropping them off and coming home. When he got home I let him have it. Railed on him for 2 hours. I think by the time I was done he was scared sh!tless to stay there.

We are together today and very happy - you can read about it in the link in my sig if you like. But that day is etched in my mind forever.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

andscor said:


> Why should she move out of her house just because he may have cheated?


You're right... I overlooked that part. My bad.
How about asking him to leave. Point blank.

"hey buddy... u love another chick... goodbye" end of the story.

I don't believe in soft approaches. I've left a once cheating gf crying on the floor with no place to go in a strange city far away from home.

It is after all, also her life. I suggest being strong and bringing this to a point where he realises what is truely happening.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

I think I'm going to take some time today, since he won't be home until late tonight, to write down my thoughts in order to stay on track during my strong conversation. When we argue, I get caught up in what he's saying, or in the blameshifting, so much that I lose track and don't get my point heard. I'm going to make a letter or something and use that during my conversation. That way, if he won't let me speak, I can just hand him the paper and tell him the answers to his questions are there, and ask him to leave.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good idea. but you are not ASKING him to leave - you are TELLING him to. And don't pack his bags. That's doing too much for him.

Tell him he is not allowed to interrupt you, then when he does say it again, so that you manage to get your say in. And get angry!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Good idea. but you are not ASKING him to leave - you are TELLING him to. And don't pack his bags. That's doing too much for him.
> 
> Tell him he is not allowed to interrupt you, then when he does say it again, so that you manage to get your say in. And get angry!



Thanks for that! I was already being too giving! 

I am going to print out the emails (I sent them to myself from his phone), so if I start wavering on my anger, that can put the severity of the situation back into perspective for me. It really only takes thinking about the letters to get me riled up, as I'm sure you all can imagine.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

E8H3 said:


> I know that he doesn't think I will leave. I think he's under the impression that since I'm a genuinely nice person, he can get away with this. Not going to happen, especially since I don't foresee myself being able to 'sweep this under the rug'.
> 
> I would pack my bags, but I don't have anywhere to go. We have moved around a lot since we got together and I don't hardly have a support system. If I'm going to leave, I will have to have a place set up, etc. before I do that.
> 
> ...


What makes an affair so thrilling is that it's like a drug. The fact that cheaters go behind their spouses back is a real aphrodisiac for them. The moment the A is exposed to everybody and the 2 actually have the opportunity to be together, they look like clowns to themselves and to the rest of universe and don't look so sexy anymore.

If it happens that they were meant to be together, that's great. It would now give the opportunity to be with a real man.

To understand a cheater you have to think like a cheater. They will use code words like "going underground". Which means continuing the affair once it's discovered and the spouse(s) are dumb enough to stay with them, which only feeds their relationship as it intensifies the sensuality... ie: we've been naughty, now we're even naughtier.

You have to uproot the whole thing and put a real break on your relationship with him. At the very least, practice the 180 rules and demonstrate to him (not with words but action) that he is now responsible for YOUR trust in him. Only once trust is reestablished will you be able to address the issues in the M.

If it was me, a large garbage bag tossed on the front lawn would do the trick.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

To get him to move out you do need to see and attorney for a formal separation. 

Also, If you allow him to live with you, in some states you have in their eyes condoned the affair. 

See an attorney pronto. 

With the legal separation the sheriff will come to the house and remove him, if he will not leave. I don't think that will happen. He will leave once you see an attorney.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Just a quick update. My husband got home from school and I told him he needed to leave. He didn't. We argued for about an hour and a half and for the first part of it, I wasn't getting through to him at all. He was just convinced it wasn't a big deal, and wanted me to take half of the blame for the problems we were having up until the EA. I told him I would take full blame for ALL the problems we had up until that point, but HE made the decision to pursue the EA, and tell another woman he loved her. I also told him that he destroyed the special bond I thought we had, and I was grieving for that great loss, since it's no longer just the two of us in this marriage.

He preceded to make his points, but the great breakthrough was when he said, "but if you want to split up....", and I stopped him right there and said, "I do". The shock on his face was priceless - I think that's the only thing he actually heard during our talk. I'm glad I was able to make myself clear on that, at least. I gave him a time period to leave, and until then I'm doing the 180.

If he's not gone by then, I will have the attorney in place to do it.

I just want to give my sincere thanks to those that took time to respond to my issue. It gave me the confidence I needed to be strong and not fall for his manipulation during our talk. He was trying so hard to rationalize the EA and shift the blame to me, but I was able to stand strong.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

Awesome! You are a queen. A real rockstar. Bravo for you and you deserve better. U go girl!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

...There are so many that stay and blame themselves for the WS's EA/PA. You are an inspiration to many on this board I'm sure for standing up and saying IT'S NOT OK TO CHEAT ON ME!!! 

Keep us updated on how things are going...and stay strong


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> No kids?
> 
> Tell him to LEAVE or kick his ass out!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

As my female coworkers like to say:

Time to turn on the b!tch switch!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You be strong. This is horrible, horrible behavior and don't let him EVER blame you for his deceit. There's been some discussions on this board about what is worse: an EA or a PA. But I know how devastating it is to look at your husband's text message and see him tell another woman how much he loves her. You deserve better.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you!! Excellent. Stay strong and yes, please keep us updated. Many hugs to you.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

E8H3, he took the easy way out in order to bring this matter to your attention. Has he actually stated he was interested in the marriage anymore. If he came clean, it was for one certain reason. Find out. Is he doing this to come clean with you, or to 'break the news' so to speak? Will he be willing to become transparent. To have any further contact with the other person would be out... or he'd be out. If you feel it needs to end, send him packing. He is the guilty party. Expose the other person, too. She is married, correct. Lesson learned, but if you love eachother, there may be hope. Best of luck!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> E8H3, he took the easy way out in order to bring this matter to your attention. Has he actually stated he was interested in the marriage anymore. If he came clean, it was for one certain reason. Find out. Is he doing this to come clean with you, or to 'break the news' so to speak? Will he be willing to become transparent. To have any further contact with the other person would be out... or he'd be out. If you feel it needs to end, send him packing. He is the guilty party. Expose the other person, too. She is married, correct. Lesson learned, but if you love eachother, there may be hope. Best of luck!


He has stated he's interested in the marriage. And most recently that he's "so so sorry" and loves me so much. To be honest I look at him a different way now, so it's not really affecting me. Before, I didn't think he had it in him to hurt me that way.

I haven't asked him about transparency because I want him out. Once that happens, we'll see if I can get over him telling someone else he loved her enough to give him a chance to try. I have thought about exposing the other party, but the only proof I have in hand is my husband pursuing her, and her email back stating they were both married, etc. in my first post. I've actually thought about telling the whole freaking world, but I'm trying to restrain myself from being too angry, especially now that I'm doing the 180.

*ilgitano* - thanks for mentioning the 180. I hadn't heard of it before, but after you mentioned it, I went online to look for it. I'm following it right now and it's already 'working' (for lack of a better word)


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

It would appear you are on the right track. Best of luck!!!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Just an update: 

The 180 is 'working' for him trying to make it up to me, but none of that matters, since he hasn't fully apologized, and still seems secretive. He still hasn't left, but he's still within the timeframe, so we'll see.

I haven't been sleeping well. It's been really hard for me to fall asleep at night with all the thoughts running through my head. Since I haven't been myself, I've called in sick to work for a couple days. 

I also just emailed the OW. That felt good. I wasn't mean, I was just to the point. I wanted her to know that I wasn't the type of woman that (1) wasn't going to find out, or (2) didn't care if my husband was telling other women he was in love with them. Man, it felt good. I also wanted her to understand there is another PERSON on the other side of this, not just her and him. I also didn't ask her to let him go, as I don't care. If he doesn't want me, I will be happily single, and maybe one day I'll find someone who loves me for who I am, and doesn't need to be snooped on in order to be truthful. It also would be nice to be held again... you all probably know what I mean. BUT I am definitely not interested in getting into another relationship for a lonnnggg time. I need to build up my friend bank


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Remember, the 180 isnt a tool to manipulate him or force him out of the fog and make him remorseful, although it may have that affect. The 180 is for you and you alone. It helps you detach so you can move on, with or without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Remember, the 180 isnt a tool to manipulate him or force him out of the fog and make him remorseful, although it may have that affect. The 180 is for you and you alone. It helps you detach so you can move on, with or without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for that. I think I got sidetracked a little bit since he's been so attentive since I started it. You're right it should be for me - and in that regard, it is working for me too - but I do need to stick with it and remember what it's for. Thanks.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Well fool me once.................... you know the rest.

So we started going to counseling. I spoke with the OW who insisted there was nothing going on. I still didn't believe it, but wanted to give it one more shot. 

My bad.

My husband was planning a trip to see some friends in LA, almost 20 hours south of where we live, and things didn't add up. I honestly hadn't thought about the fact that the OW lives there. Things didn't add up because 2 of the closer friends he was "going to see" were coming up to see us the week before - it seemed stupid, and it was. After nagging for about a day (it's MY money we're talking about spending here as he is unemployed) I found out he's going down there to see the OW and "make sure she's 100% not in love with him, because he can't stop thinking about her". 

I told him to get out and call his parents for money if he wants to go woo another woman to leave her husband and be with him. I think he's seriously crazy in the head. Another thing is, he was trying to turn the conversation around to be my fault, saying I wasn't honest with him about who originally told me about the EA. There's no way I'm telling him who told me - it was one of his/her mutual friends and he knows it.

I really need to stick to my guns this time. Please, encouragement!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Call his parents and ask them to escort him away. Pack his stuff so he doesn't have a choice. Change the locks. Serve him with divorce papers. If you don't, he'll think he can keep playing you like this. It's not the first time, but the second time. Let him try to woo her and get his butt kicked by her H. Be strong and firm in your actions now and remember you can have time for emotions later when he's away and not lying to you and messing with your head.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you contact the OMW husband and tell him?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, what a piece of work he is!!!

You sound mad - stay that way!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, as Shaggy says, expose. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE!!! To everyone!


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You deserve better. Don't let him spend your money to cheat on you. Show him the door.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Good lord, what a jerk. I agree with the stay mad suggestion. Just what did he think he was doing, surely not trying to save the marriage. The folks here talk about the "fog" and his sounds as thick as pea soup. Expose him to family and force him to find his own way. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

E8H3 said:


> Well fool me once.................... you know the rest.
> 
> So we started going to counseling. I spoke with the OW who insisted there was nothing going on. I still didn't believe it, but wanted to give it one more shot.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry it came to this. You have your answer now. You tried to R, but instead he took it underground and even took it further by planning to meet up and actually meet (have sex) with her. 

Even if you do end the marriage, exposing the affair to the Other Woman's Husband (OWH) is still the right thing to do. He deserves to know what kind of woman he's married to and decide the course of his marriage, whether R or D. If the situation was reversed, you would want to know. 

With that said, you really need to file for D. It's not a good sign that he's cheating so early in the marriage. You will thank yourself later for not having kids with him. It's time for him to leave.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He doesn't even earn the money he was going to use to cheat on you?

That's insane. You made the right move. I have no advice accept to continue to stay strong. Who cares HOW you found out. You know and he either changes or leaves.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Dump the entitled jerk! Pack his stuff in trash bags.
And explose that tramp to her BH, he deserves to know.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Thank you so much everyone.

I couldn't fall asleep last night because of a tight chest and some anxiety, but I used the time to look on this board and for a car. Funny enough, the car is in my husband's name, even though I pay for it. His father cosigned it with him when we first got married. He'll be leaving in that. (I won't be paying for it anymore) Luckily I have some family here that can pick me up if need be, and I do have a bike I can drive around. 

I don't have any friends. That's not really a joke, either. It's not because I've never had friends, I just haven't been in touch with anyone since the 5 years I've been with STBX (yeah!), with his raging anger issues (didn't mention that before) and the fact that we moved around a lot. So, I really do appreciate being able to come and talk on here, good or bad, and appreciate those of you that are telling me what I need to hear.

I think the reason I even went for the R in the first place was due to being scared about living alone, the fact that I have virtually no support system other then my grandparents, I've lost some confidence in myself, and that it was just easier to R. I am GOING to do this though, I HAVE to. I still have a lot going for me. I'm only 29, I'm back in college, I have a job a lot of people would die for, and for the other stuff, I've joined meetup.com and I'm going to try and find some volunteering or group exercise classes too - maybe that way I can meet people that I can get out and do things with.

I am looking for ways of contacting the other H. Like me, he's unknown outside my husband and OW's TIGHTLY knit high school class made up of about 30.

I am also aware that he's started telling his friends about the D and mostly blaming it on me saying I wasn't putting out enough, etc. etc. enough to have his friends feel sorry for him. He is mostly right about that since with his anger issues it was hard to be vulnerable and attracted to him. I am not agreeing that it's a good excuse to CHEAT though, before even trying to address the issues in the relationship. I was upset at first, but they were never my friends anyway, so why should I care, right?


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

So another update, I'm sorry to say he hasn't left yet. He did borrow money from his parents and he's leaving on Friday. His parents nor any of his family/friends live here so they are unable to escort him. 

In the meantime, I've gotten my own savings account and put my money in there. I will be using that for now, and moving little bits in to checking until I get a new bank account. I keep a close eye on it so I will take it all out if I have to. The checking account isn't linked to the savings.

I wrote another email to the OW. I still haven't found the OWH contact details and he's unable to be messaged on Facebook. Maybe while he's down there, I can look at his location and find their address. In the email I basically wrote that she could have him and I didn't want his sorry a$$ anymore, and good luck supporting an angry loser, and I wouldn't settle until I found someone that loves me for the amazing woman I am.

I'm not sure if you all will think that was a good idea or not, but it felt nice to let her know he was coming, to ruin his Romeo & Juliet surprise he had planned.

One thing I really need advice on. He says he is going to come back here if he can't "make it". I've already said no a million different ways, but nothing I say seems to phase him at this point. I guess he thinks he can simply have me waiting here for him while he spreads his seed. We are both signed lessees (sp?) on this house and I really don't want to move. How do you suggest I prevent this from happening. Should I move out? Either way, I will need to get a car. Thanks in advance.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

E8H3 said:


> One thing I really need advice on. He says he is going to come back here if he can't "make it". I've already said no a million different ways, but nothing I say seems to phase him at this point. I guess he thinks he can simply have me waiting here for him while he spreads his seed. We are both signed lessees (sp?) on this house and I really don't want to move. How do you suggest I prevent this from happening. Should I move out? Either way, I will need to get a car. Thanks in advance.


Legally, you can't keep him out since that's the marital address...however, he doesn't need to know that. Let him find out for himself. Let him know that he's not welcome there anymore. Start looking for a car, it doesn't have to be new, just something to get from point A to point B until you can get something more permanent.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Legally, you can't keep him out since that's the marital address...however, he doesn't need to know that. Let him find out for himself. Let him know that he's not welcome there anymore. Start looking for a car, it doesn't have to be new, just something to get from point A to point B until you can get something more permanent.


Yeah I have been looking on Craigslist. Any tips from anyone/websites to learn about buying a used car? I would hate to buy one with my limited funds and then have to get something else. I do have a bike so I could use that if completely necessary, I guess (I'm just afraid of getting ran over, but it would be good for the "Get sexy - in a healthy way" #7 on Just Let Them Go). Luckily, since I moved closer to my family, I can borrow a vehicle or get a ride to find one. At least that's going for me! I had a great truck I got for $500 several years ago but that's long gone, and I think that was a lucky deal!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

So like I wrote yesterday, I sent the OW an email ruining his surprise of going down there. She called him this morning to tell him not to come, and he's an angry person, but I've never seen him so angry in my life. I was scared for myself at one point. I'm sitting here with 5 hours of sleep and I can't stop crying.... Not from what he said but from how scared I was. He proceeded to call his family and let them know he was "tired of my ****, like for instance we went on a hike the other day which was 3 miles downhill and 3 miles uphill and she couldnt keep up with me". 

I can't wait for this to be over, but you know what - I was being nice before, cordial. After this there's no way I'm going to do that anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If he's verbally abusing you and making it so you feel scared for your safety, you had better call the police and have an RO on him. Get a VAR now.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

I am going out to ask about the restraining order now. I have to work at home or else I would just stay gone until he leaves. 

He was mostly mad because I didn't "have the right" to "lash out" to his wanna-be girlfriend who also exposed the affair to his friends. Well, too bad. And that's the root of the problem there... he doesn't think I have any rights.

I will let you all know what I find out. I have continued exposing to everyone, even though he just calls and rewrites history with them anyway.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

So he just left. Got his stuff all packed up. It was really difficult. Really. Even with all the hurt and pain, I've given 5 years to this man, and to our dreams. I broke down for about 15 minutes then decided to pull it together. Mad and sad rolled all into one. And on that note, I'm going to head over to the separation/divorce section. Thanks to everyone for your encouragement and support, it means so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

E8H3 said:


> So he just left. Got his stuff all packed up. It was really difficult. Really. Even with all the hurt and pain, I've given 5 years to this man, and to our dreams. I broke down for about 15 minutes then decided to pull it together. Mad and sad rolled all into one. And on that note, I'm going to head over to the separation/divorce section. Thanks to everyone for your encouragement and support, it means so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have been following your plight with this awful man. I hope that your decisions and actions are easy for you. Within time, you will surely be better without his troubles. I wish you well and best of luck. Keep the forum here updated. Good that you have a PO to keep you safe. Now... get those locks changed, get a new phone and break ties with anyone who can bleed information about yourself to him. Most times, freedom from the ills of a bad spouse bring peace of mind. I wish that for you! Ben!!!


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Thank you so much! I have been working overtime this week. It is good for the bank account and a good distraction. I have also been rearranging the house just the way I like it.

I bought a used car and negotiated down to 1200 cash. I was really happy about it because it has low miles, and a clean title. I did all kinds of internet research about cars so I could appear like I knew what I was doing 

I haven't been too emotional. The only thing that makes me emotional is telling people that don't know what happened. For instance my neighbor and his son came to check on me, because they saw the weird new car and no husband. I told them, briefly, what happened, and I almost started crying, but I was able to hold it together. 

A friend that I had a long time ago and I started talking because I was exposing via Facebook, and she actually went through a similar situation. We don't live in the same area but it's really nice to have someone that knows what it's like. Especially someone my age that's humiliated to be getting the big "d" when everyone else is out having babies and what not.

I apparently had started going on the Divorce Diet. I wasn't eating basically. I have been watching it more closely and eating at least 12-1500 calories a day to stay healthy. I had never heard of that before, but apparently it's a common issue! 

I still get scared all alone sometimes but the first night was the worst, and I can usually get over the scared feeling. I am quite scared to mow the lawn, but I will figure it out. haha!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

E8H3 said:


> I am quite scared to mow the lawn, but I will figure it out. haha!


Find a push mower! They are cheap and don't spew fumes and give you a bit of exercise.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sounds like you know what you need to do and are on the right path. Things are working out for you, great news about the car!

Isn't it nice when things seem to fall into place? Seperating is such a difficult thing....but when you can make decisions for yourself and they work out pretty good, you can't help but feel some sort of relief and HOPE for the future. That things will and can be better. 

Stay strong.


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## E8H3 (May 7, 2012)

Thanks! Just so you guys know - I went out there and mowed the da*n lawn. 

In addition, every day is better for me. I am getting so lucky - everything IS falling in to place. I got the car, I got the car checked out and all the fluids changed, and there wasn't anything wrong with it, I got a semi-promotion at my job, I just renewed my lease....I am not getting too excited, because I know there will be a wrench in there somewhere - but I won't let it get me down. I has only been a week - but it feels like a year. Of course, I had been preparing myself with the 180, so I think that played a big part in where I am now. I feel like a 400 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

People in my family are saying that the real me is back - the positive, upbeat, me - and they thought it was gone. If I didn't have the motivation to keep going, that was all I needed.

Thanks so much for the support. I'll keep you updated. The house is about 1/3 the way rearranged to my liking - I'm just going to keep going until I like it 

ETA: reading this made me go WOW at myself. A couple weeks, with him sleeping beside me, I was waking up at night having anxiety attacks. Now I feel like I can do anything!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yay you!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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