# Husband has sexual aversion to me - please help



## Mrst101512 (Aug 15, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We have one child together (not his biologically, but he's been in her life since she was 6 weeks old, so he's all she knows). Everything has been great until the last couple of months. We were always talking/texting, when he was home from work we were always talking/cuddled. We've never been like rabbits in the bedroom but several times a month was the norm.

I'm going to assume we're all adults here, so I'm just going to put this out there - and please no judgment. That's not what's needed here at all. I need advice. The last time that we had any sexual activity, he wanted to 69. I started doing my part and he wanted me to straddle his chest. I did, and when he went to do his part...apparently, I hadn't wiped well that day. He's been completely turned off since then. Not just turned off...repulsed.

He didn't tell me about it until 2 weeks ago. He was talking to a female coworker about it and ended up getting too close to her. They didn't do anything physically but there was definitely emotional infidelity. But I can get over that on my own. I love him and believe in forgiveness.

I just don't know what to do to get him interested in me again. He only holds me when he's asleep and doesn't realize he's doing it. He even has a hard time kissing me...the past few days it's been on the cheek. We went to a marriage counselor this past week, but she was more focused on his getting close to the coworker and didn't really address his issue at all.

We are thinking about seeing a sex therapist, but is this something that they can help with? Does anyone have experience seeing a sex therapist? He looked me in the eye last night and said "I used to think that you were the most beautiful girl in the world" - it's a gut wrenching feeling when the one who's made you feel like the ONLY girl in the world for three years suddenly has no interest in you at all.

PLEASE help...I don't believe in divorce. My mother has been married 5 times, my father 4. I am my husband's second marriage, he is my first. When I said I do, I meant forever. For better or worse...he says he wants me to be happy and he wants so badly for him to be the answer to my happiness, because he knows how much I love him. And I know he loves me...if we can get past this, everything else is great.

It's really embarrassing and humbling to write to a bunch of strangers about this, but my marriage is sacred to me. Aside from our daughter, my husband is by far the most important person in the world to me - not only my husband, but my best friend (until recently. I now feel entirely alone).

Please...someone...be able to offer some advice.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I can understand your husband being grossed out in the moment but to be completely repulsed and turned off thereafter is really extreme. I think this may have more to do with the feelings he has for this other woman and what may be going on between them than the sexual encounter. That is likely why the therapist you saw focused on her rather than what happened between the two of you.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Not sure I buy it. If that is really what caused him to shut down he definitely needs a shrink.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This has waaaayyyy more to do with the other woman than with this particular sexual mishap with you. And did you really mean to say he told a female coworker about what happened?? That is VERY disrepsectful to you. How did you even find out about that? 

Order him a copy of this book and tell him you know this has a lot more to do with his feelings for his "friend" than it does you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I do think the 69 incident is your mind making a mountain out of a molehill in an attempt to reconcile why he is suddenly distant. Yes something like that can throw a guy off for the moment, but it is not much difference in getting a big french kiss when your partner has not brushed his/her teeth after going out to a super spicy Chinese buffet. You get over it and life goes on...

Your husband's emotional affair is destroying closeness, trust and communication in your relationship.

My advice would be to remain vigilant about *not* letting this emotional affair / infatuation progress any further. Allow some more time for emotions to settle, and just focus on being a family and trying to have fun together.

It may also be helpful to try and find a way to laugh at what happened during the 69 incident. I'd suggest the following prank. Get a pair of his clean underwear and create a fake "skid mark" with some chocolate syrup. Then while doing laundry one day call for him to come see something, show his his underwear and ask him if he had had a rough day... Then sniff and lick the chocolate syrup and claim it is not that bad, and then call him a f***ing wimp for letting a little poo disturb him so much that time you two did a 69. Throw his chocolaty underwear into the wash so that he will never find out it was just chocolate and then walk away as if nothing, but call him a f***ing baby again for getting so grossed out by poo. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I was just gonna say - how DARE he tell a co-working woman about that! I would be livid and mortified if I found out my (now ex) H even told a close male friend about something like that.

Definitely at least an EA is going on, there, and I agree that the therapist is right to focus on it.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If this happened to me I would be grossed out in the moment but it wouldn't turn me off having sex with my wife for any significant amount of time.

I think there are much bigger issues here. You had better make sure he isn't doing anything with anyone else. Too many people here have been sure there was no physical infidelity but were proven wrong.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OMG @badsanta!!! You're taking bad advice to an extreme. 

mrsT, your marriage therapist is focusing on the affair because THAT IS the problem. Your husband has emotionally devalued you down to nothing. Until he has examined what it is that caused him to confide in a woman at work and not his wife, your marriage remains at risk. This is not a sex therapy problem, this is an interpersonal problem.

I do not believe that your momentary lack of hygiene caused your husband to be repulsed by you to the extent that he is no longer even slightly attracted to you. I think your husband lost his attraction because the marriage wasn't meeting his needs but this other woman was. I also do not believe your husband hasn't been having sex with this other woman. I think you're foolish to believe it was only an emotional affair.

So get back to the marriage counselor and demand that your husband come clean on every dirty detail about his affair. And then he has to admit he is lying through his teeth about that ill fated 69 being the cause of no longer wanting to have sex or even cuddle with you!

Your man is fvxking this other woman and he is being faithful to her by not being affectionate to you.

ETA, in the absence of being able to jump in the shower pre sex, the liberal use of baby wipes or wet wash cloths will ensure a fresh confidence.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

technovelist said:


> If this happened to me I would be grossed out in the moment but it wouldn't turn me off having sex with my wife for any significant amount of time.


I've been thrown up on during sex (a huge amount of vomit, chunks and all) and I didn't develop a permanent aversion to that person.....although I definitely should have......

(He was drunk, by the way)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> And then he has to admit he is lying through his teeth about that ill fated 69


I was wondering if he created that story entirely....like it never even happened! 

How long after the 69 encounter did he wait to tell you? I know you said 2 weeks ago, but when did it happen?


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## Mrst101512 (Aug 15, 2015)

Thanks for all of the input, guys. He says it happened a couple of months ago, I don't think it's been that long. It was two weeks ago that he told me.

I found out about him talking to the coworker because I was snooping. I had a feeling something was going on because he'd been so distant. He came home one morning (works night shift) and had had a few too many to drink. Left his phone beside of him which he NEVER does, and I took advantage of the moment. Looked, and boom, there it was.

He's her supervisor so, not only is our marriage on the line with him getting involved with her, but so is his job. He works at a place where people talk, and it takes about 3 seconds for everyone to be in on the latest news/gossip. So it's only a matter of time before it gets back to his office/bosses.

He says he talked to her about being unattracted to me, but didn't give her details as to why. I don't know. I just want my husband back :-(


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

OK, so the last time you had sexual activity this mishap occurred. You said now that it was a couple of months ago, but in your OP you said you usually have sex several times a month. But, it would seem you haven't had sex in a couple of months now? 

How did the conversation come up where he finally told you 2 weeks ago about the 69 mishap? Did you ask for sex because it had been a while?

When did you find out about the coworker? I think the timeline is important here....


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## Mrst101512 (Aug 15, 2015)

I think it was beginning of July that this happened. He thinks it's been longer. Prior to that, we had sex/sexual contact several times a month. We've done nothing since then, not even cuddled, and he admitted to the therapist that he has a hard time even kissing me anymore. 

He told me about it when I got tired of him being so distant and he finally told me that that was the reason (which was two weeks ago yesterday). I knew that he and she had been friends for a while. My husband doesn't try to be their supervisor, he tries to be their friend (which I've advised against numerous times). I really have no idea when it escalated to the level that it did (I discovered the texts a week ago yesterday)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Mrst101512 said:


> I think it was beginning of July that this happened. He thinks it's been longer. Prior to that, we had sex/sexual contact several times a month. We've done nothing since then, not even cuddled, and he admitted to the therapist that he has a hard time even kissing me anymore.
> 
> He told me about it when I got tired of him being so distant and he finally told me that that was the reason (which was two weeks ago yesterday). I knew that he and she had been friends for a while. My husband doesn't try to be their supervisor, he tries to be their friend (which I've advised against numerous times). *I really have no idea when it escalated to the level that it did *(I discovered the texts a week ago yesterday)


My guess would be it escalated in the beginning of July. He hasn't had sex with you because he doesn't want to cheat on her, not because you performed a normal bodily function and then were surprised with him wanting to do 69.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with STR - yes, the timeline is important. I'm also with her and Anon Pink - do you even know for sure you weren't exactly clean that night? He waited to tell you about it after the fact, instead of at the time just being honest with you and asking if you could please go clean up first. Why wait weeks after it happened to tell you? Something definitely does not add up, here.


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## Mrst101512 (Aug 15, 2015)

No, I don't know for sure. Especially since he waited to tell me. It's not like he told me and I went and cleaned right then, so no I'm not sure.

I'm just at a loss. I don't believe in divorce, like I stated, and my marriage is very sacred to me. Any ideas on how to bring him back to me? I know what he's done (hopefully no longer doing) isn't right, but I have forgiven him and just want to be able to move past this and get back to how strong we were prior.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mrst101512 said:


> I think it was beginning of July that this happened. He thinks it's been longer. Prior to that, we had sex/sexual contact several times a month. We've done nothing since then, not even cuddled, and he admitted to the therapist that he has a hard time even kissing me anymore.
> 
> He told me about it when I got tired of him being so distant and he finally told me that that was the reason (which was two weeks ago yesterday). I knew that he and she had been friends for a while. My husband doesn't try to be their supervisor, he tries to be their friend (which I've advised against numerous times). I really have no idea when it escalated to the level that it did (I discovered the texts a week ago yesterday)


It's really not about the regrettable 69 incident. Truly. 

I've been pretty experimental and adventurous with my DH over the years. Sexual experimentation can lead to...mishaps...here and there. Especially if it happens later at night when showers are taken in the morning, or one/both is a newbie and didn't know how to prepare or there is food, body paint, liquor (imbibed and as a "lick here!" thing) etc. involved.

Not to mention, there is always the "I just had an onion bagel. Kiss me!" or the dog breath in the morning/late evening.

Turns out, humans are washable and people get over it. 

I could see it if he said he didn't want to 69 again for a while or wanted to only do it when you were both fresh from the shower, but to "become repulsed" and to become distant over it? Nope.

He's involved with the woman at work, he's justifying it to himself and to her (Oh, poor me! I am not attracted to my wife anymore. She's gross! It's not my fault! I'm just a poor guy stuck in this bad marriage. So, uh, can I get some sympathy from you, OM?) and the 69 incident is nothing more than an excuse.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Regarding the "69" incident, he was definitely making a mountain out of a molehill! He could have lovingly told you about it, and waited the two minutes it would take for you to go to the bathroom to clean up, and then pick right back up from you left off!

If my partner ever asked me to do something like that in a non-offensive way, I would have absolutely no problem with it! 

That aspect of sexuality is all about communication and courtesy! I regret that you've had to endure that kind of immaturity on his part!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mrst101512 said:


> No, I don't know for sure. Especially since he waited to tell me. It's not like he told me and I went and cleaned right then, so no I'm not sure.
> 
> I'm just at a loss. I don't believe in divorce, like I stated, and my marriage is very sacred to me. Any ideas on how to bring him back to me? I know what he's done (hopefully no longer doing) isn't right, but I have forgiven him and just want to be able to move past this and get back to how strong we were prior.


Look at this logically. Can you remember the 69 incident? Did he suddenly stop? Lose his erection? If so, maybe it did happen as he said and he was uncomfortable saying anything a the time. But no one would just continue on as if there was no problem unless there was no problem.

If you want my take on it, tough love. He isn't going to just get over his infidelity. He has to be awakened to the reality of what he is doing/has done and he has to face consequences. Otherwise, why stop? Why not just cheat whenever he feels the urge? 

If it were me, I'd tell him I want NC with the other woman...at work or anywhere else. She must be transferred or he must find other employment. How that happens is HIS problem. He got himself into this mess, he'll have to find a way out of it.

After that, full transparency. He gets no passwords that you don't know to anything. You can check his phone, computer, Ipad, whatever, whenever you like.

He has to go to MC or IC as needed.

And, above all, he has to WANT to work on the marriage and do whatever is necessary to please you in that regard.

If he refuses any or all of those requests, either accept that you're married to a distant adulterer or file.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Mrst101512 said:


> No, I don't know for sure. Especially since he waited to tell me. It's not like he told me and I went and cleaned right then, so no I'm not sure.
> 
> I'm just at a loss. I don't believe in divorce, like I stated, and my marriage is very sacred to me. Any ideas on how to bring him back to me? I know what he's done (hopefully no longer doing) isn't right, but *I have forgiven him and just want to be able to move past this and get back to how strong we were prior.*


I believe they call that rug-sweeping and it's a sure-fire way to allow him to do it again.

With all due respect, I think you need to develop a bit of a backbone here.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Unfortunately when you take divorce off the table you severely weaken yourself. .... your hb knows that no matter what he does you'll still be there. He's free to have his h0 and you'll be at home waiting for him. 

And when you stick around and beg you become very unattractive. ... you don't come across as something that can be lost and thus needs to be treasured.

So either you have to reconsider divorce, which by the way if he knows you're willing to do that might force him out of his fog, or detach from him and hope he notices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No loving husband "talks shop" with another female about what goes on behind closed bedroom doors unless she is a bonafide counselor, physician, or therapist that he is paying good money for their services.

He's off telling it to some bimbo at work, hoping that she will take sympathy upon his plight, greatly to the point that she'll soon be sympathetically "69ing" him!

The problem here is not inherent with you, Sweetheart! The chickens are squarely roosting on your conniving H's doorstep!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Please listen to everyone here. If he's having an affair, and I'm sorry, but he clearly is, you will not get him back by being nice and forgiving him for something he's still doing. Trust me, I know. I'm now divorced. And the OW will be moving in with my ex-H in a couple months. He made me feel like it was my fault - not because of an isolated incident, but years of misery that he never told me about because it never actually was the case.

You should be furious that he shared anything as intimate as how he feels about you sexually with someone else. And furious that he's only saying this stuff to her because he doesn't want to cheat on HER.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with the others that 69 gate is a smoke screen. He's probably banging this OW or pursuing her hard. Him discussing intimate details with her is a way to create an emotional intimacy with her. If you look on the OW section of Loveshack, you'll see thread after thread from woman who were told similar stories. Their MMs will tell the OW that their marriage is sexless. Their wives are cold, ETC. These OW eat that $hIt up. I wouldn't be surprised if he's also future faking with OW.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

My guess is he's lying. The incident during 69ing didn't happen. If it would have, he would have said something at the time it happened.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This has nothing to do wth sex and everything to do with the likelihood your husband is cheating. You are so anxious to "nice" him back that you are willing to rug-sweep (that never has a good outcome -- I speak from experience). 

You can't make him want to be with you. He either cares about the marriage or he doesn't. Time for you to find out.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

HI Mrst sorry you're in need of advice. My guess is it may or may not have happened (yes i think he would have said something then) but i believe he used the story to signal to the girl that even though he's married that he was available and perhaps gain some pity. It doesnt sound like you really are in need of a sex therapist as when things are good they are good. I wish you the best


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Mrs T. Your question is "how do I get him back". The answer is, "be willing to lose him".


Additionally, you should pose the question to him "If you think a$$holes stink so bad, how do you stand yourself?"


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
As others have said, sexual mishaps happen. Normal couples just laugh it off and try again.

This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other woman.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

He's gotta be lying to you. If that issue bothered him so much he would've told you right there. He's avoiding sex because of that other woman and he's using that as an excuse.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Mrst101512 said:


> He looked me in the eye last night and said "I used to think that you were the most beautiful girl in the world" - it's a gut wrenching feeling when the one who's made you feel like the ONLY girl in the world for three years suddenly has no interest in you at all.




What was his point in saying this, and using the past tense in particular? What was the context?



It took me years to realize there are people in this world who will lash out, sometime quite subtly, to divert their eyes from themselves. Speaking truthfully and directly and asking questions about something they desperately cannot face about their own feelings and behavior is a dangerous thing to do. When one targets your own insecurities and/or says things that you are wired to give pause and consider, they feel relief and you feel worse -- most likely about yourself and almost certain not deservingly so.



Think about a couple you admire and respect. Imagine them acting similar in the same situation? Does it seem possible, plausible, improbable that they would act in the same way? Would you still admire the husband?











Mrst101512 said:


> For better or worse...he says he wants me to be happy and he wants so badly for him to be the answer to my happiness, because he knows how much I love him.




One unexpected and helpful thing a good friend said to me when I described my wife's intent/motivation /potential was: "I'm not getting that. I'm not getting that at all."



It made me think of her actions, and not so much her words. Only you can decide if that lesson I learned is relevant to you, but don't be afraid to look. You owe it to yourself and your little girl.



P.s. -- No matter what happens, you are not your parents. Sure, learn from their mistakes if you can. But to tie your hands because you equate divorce with failure is not a recipe for success. 



Why would he suppose you need "an answer" in order to find happiness?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

There comes a point in a relationship (more so a marriage) when one or the other partner begins to find s/he's getting too much of sex, and just loses interest.

Then, we find all kinds of excuses to justify that....

Had this incident happened in your honeymoon phase, perhaps neither partner would have thought twice about it.

It's very sad when one partner falls 'out of love' and then justifies it with all kinds of excuses... 



Mrst101512 said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We have one child together (not his biologically, but he's been in her life since she was 6 weeks old, so he's all she knows). Everything has been great until the last couple of months. We were always talking/texting, when he was home from work we were always talking/cuddled. We've never been like rabbits in the bedroom but several times a month was the norm.
> 
> I'm going to assume we're all adults here, so I'm just going to put this out there - and please no judgment. That's not what's needed here at all. I need advice. The last time that we had any sexual activity, he wanted to 69. I started doing my part and he wanted me to straddle his chest. I did, and when he went to do his part...apparently, I hadn't wiped well that day. He's been completely turned off since then. Not just turned off...repulsed.
> 
> ...


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

intheory said:


> Mrst,
> 
> I want to emphasize what everyone else is saying; in order to make you feel better.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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