# Fear of failure?



## chiwan (Dec 22, 2011)

I am in my 2nd marriage and am 51 - I have been married for 12 years now. I married a man that I was infatuated with when I was 40. We occasionally had dates for over 7 years but not close enough for family to meet or anything like that - more of just friends with benefits - I would see him every 7-10 days and then no time in between - I am writing this because I think it is the root of my turmoil these days. We never really 'dated' exclusively but when he "got ready" to get married at 35 (he still lived at home) he asked someone else - an exotic dancer - who said no - he came crying to me and I said yes because I was crazy about him. As I write this I feel more like a fool because I cared... I have gotten several cosmetic surgeries to try to meet his expectations and granted look ok for my age but as soon as we got married he quit working on himself has gained 100-150 lbs..he was and still is cruel to my family and friends - I have no visitors to my home as he offends them immediately and they do not return..but I have alot of friends - he has few friends. We live separate lives, he likes the fact that I am independent, and have a job that pays well. He does not want to lose this.. I have found through much self growth that I have outgrown my fascination and attraction for him. I do still care about him as a person but being intimate with him is repulsive at times..it is hard. I just find it hard to stay and be close to someone who devalues people. It is really painful for me to be associated with that. I want to leave, divorce or at least take a 6 month break and wanted to get some opinions. I don't know if I am seeing it clearly or if I am expecting too much.. I feel my core values are completely opposite and it is hard to make myself stay connected to a callous heart. I feel sorry for him by nature but I cannot change his actions. Am I seeing it clearly ?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think it's very clear. But I'm wondering if you two ever talked about the issues. You need to do that, but prepare first.

You should go to individual counseling first, then start marriage counseling. Even if you still feel that divorce is the route you need to go, it's better to have some counseling guidance under your belt to help you through it.

I'm in a similar situation as your feelings, but the driving force is much different. I'm in counseling, and marriage counseling will start after the first of the new year. I love and care for my wife, but the passion is gone. I'm trying to find it, but for some reason it's not working yet.


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