# Having no choice but to live with the in-laws yr after yr.Is that a reason to leave?



## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

I am looking for you guys opinions...

If you had to live with your in-laws for years on end (with perhaps only a break of 3 months every year) could you stand that? and is that a reason for leave?

I have already been living with them for 12 months and it has been just terrible. In addition to having to eat all our meals together as a 'family' and go out for walks together and having to take trips out together at least once a year, I just feel like I can't be myself at home, and while I can handle the "face" that I have to put on every day for a short while, after months and months go by, I feel I just can't really continue anymore...

We can't move out as his parents need looking after as they just arrived in the country, and they are getting older. Also the husband is a traditional sort of family man (also an only child), and feels he owes his parents a lot for the sacrifices he has made. He parents don't skimp on constantly (almost daily) reminding him of this too...

I do understand his position but where does they leave me??? I'm so sad...


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

*Dean* is correct…I converted to Orthodox Christianity a few years ago…and the Middle Eastern Culture, especially Eastern Europe do in fact take care of their parents when they are of old age…keep in mind in many cultures unlike here in America…there’s no social security or things like that, so kids take care of their parents…ect…Family dynamics are a lot different here in the US


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## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Sounds like your husband has strong family values. That's a good thing.
> 
> I remember growing up, my mom's parents taking care of their mom's, mom.
> 
> ...



Thanks Dean. I think what you said really resonated with me, because everything you said is true for my sitiation and I HAVE already had that discussion with him, and told him everything exactly as you have put it, he said he understands but "What can I do about it? what do u want me to do abt it?" It seems he can't really do anything because we already discussed options and there doesn't seem to be any applicable for our situation. It just feels to me like it's a case of me having to just put up with this for life or get out sadly. =(((


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I just heard a program on NPR about more people having multi-generational housing situations because of the economy.

They said the key to getting along is honest communication. Can you pick instances where you would like them to change how they act? Pick something very specific that they could do. 

Brainstorm with your husband ways that you can alleviate the tension in the house. Can you have them connect with other immigrants so they have a social outlet? Could they contribute to remodeling the house to give them a more private space?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm highly introverted so I could not no way no how live like that for very long.


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## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi Lizlolly,

I completely agree with Dean. The first thing for you is to approach your husband and have a discussion with him. Take it from there.....
Good luck!

Amanda


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## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

We've had many discussions and they don't really go anywhere because while he does sorta understand, he can't do much. We also don't have enough money to buy a property yet, even if we could move out. =/ But I just can't bear it sometimes...


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## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Regarding his parents, does his mom or dad really like you?
> 
> If you feel like one really does, remember that they were young
> once. It's also ok to take one out shopping or to the park,
> ...


Thanks for that suggestion. Yes, they do like me I think a lot and that's also the prob. For them, they equate love as doing everything for that person and letting others just be as "not caring". So they just do everything for us (cleaning, cooking, even making our beds and cleaning our rooms!!! which I don't want them to at all!! but what can I say as it seems petty and ungrateful). The fact is that I don't need all this and would prefer a life of freedom and privacy. Also, another problem, is that we don's speak the same language. I can only speak their language at a basic level, so communication is hard. Husband has spoken to them about the issues (well so he says) but they seem to just wave him off and nothing really changes.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You need to get your husband to man up, it's his house, his dad is no longer the Alpha, he is the respected elder. All that your husband needs to do to fulfill his cultural and personal responsibilities is establish household norms that respect all members of the household. All have to compromise, his parents have to give also, this is not the old country and you were not raised ib that culture. 

Personal space needs to be established and respected - i.e. Bedrooms off limits unless invited in.

Date nights for you and your husband a must even if it's going for walks with out mom/dad......

Think it through, be firm and steady and hold your ground - old dogs and their son can learn new tricks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

Do they live in your house with you or you live in their house with them? 

Do they require someone to be with them all the time or can they be left alone?


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## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

Red_Dolphin said:


> Do they live in your house with you or you live in their house with them?
> 
> Do they require someone to be with them all the time or can they be left alone?


To make matters worse, it's their house...so in some cases, we can't tell them what to do, when it's not even our own home.


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## LizLolly (Oct 20, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> So they came to this country, brought a house and you guys moved in with them.
> 
> I would say you have to suck it up until you guys can live on your own. You can still live on your own but take care/watch his parents.
> 
> How did you guys live before they came over here?


Yes, that's sort-of it. They had the house already here and we lived in it before they came. Husband said they wouldn't be coming here for another decade so we thought we had time to save up for another place once they came. A year after we married, they announced they were coming for good. So yeah, it has been hard and the past year I have been going through emotional ups and downs, trying to be ok with it, sucking it up, going along what whatever, but after a year, I just am left lifeless, like I don't know who I am. I just always have to "be" this agreeable person, in order to get by. I know I need to think about others but it just seems like I am now feeling "What about me?!" It has been a year...I just feel like I have no control over anything in my life


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## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

LizLolly said:


> Yes, that's sort-of it. They had the house already here and we lived in it before they came. Husband said they wouldn't be coming here for another decade so we thought we had time to save up for another place once they came. A year after we married, they announced they were coming for good. So yeah, it has been hard and the past year I have been going through emotional ups and downs, trying to be ok with it, sucking it up, going along what whatever, but after a year, I just am left lifeless, like I don't know who I am. I just always have to "be" this agreeable person, in order to get by. I know I need to think about others but it just seems like I am now feeling "What about me?!" It has been a year...I just feel like I have no control over anything in my life


Hi Lizlolly,

I think you should take a stand and talk to them, even if it leads to an arguement, atleast once.

Amanda


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

Are they in the in the health that they need someone there 24/7? Or do they just need someone looking after them and checking in on them?

You say they clean everything, including your room, so I assume they are in somewhat decent health.

Can you two afford your own place?

My parents cared my dad's parents for years and it literally tore at their marriage. Even though my dad had 8 other siblings, no one would help. They couldn't take vacations, couldn't leave home for more than a few hours at a time, etc. We didn't live with my gparents but just across the field. My grandma was bed fastened. Once she went into a nursing home, then they had to be there for my grandpa, but not as much so it got a little easier. 

I think it is time to start looking for alternatives and setting limits and finding solutions if you are to stay living there.

Is your husband opposed to moving out? Not away from them, but still nearby? He can care for his parents without living with them.

Look up adult daycares and in home aides. There are resources out there to help, even if it is just for a day here and there to give you all a day to yourselves.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My parents moved in with us for a while until they were back on their feet. It was extremely stressful since my mother has to have everything her way or it's the highway even in MY home. My husband kept very quiet, which surprised me due to my mother being so controlling and constant nagging towards me. Her belittling me really hits him hard due to him wanting to stand up for me, but it would of been world war 3 if he spoke up. My mother is extremely opinionated about everything. She is always assuming the worst of me, which all of her assumptions are untrue. My children were playing happily and they were too loud for their liking. My girls are very happy and get pretty hyper every night, but they are having fun. My parents didn't like that we buy mostly generic food. Well, it's what we can afford and we are a big family. It's fine for us. She even complained about us having the wrong type of toilet paper. Geeze, we have a septic system and need biodegradable TP.

Personally, a year is a very long time. It's very difficult to live with extended families. I promised my husband this would never happen again. My mother still treats me like I'm 13 years old or younger. It causes a lot of conflict and I prefer not to live in that environment.

Good luck, if your unhappy then maybe it's best you take a break for a weekend. You and you husband can go to a hotel and spend time alone. This is stressful on everyone in that household.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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