# What if you found out about cheating during the divorce process?



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Would it change anything? Let's say it happened a long time ago in your marriage and didn't last very long? Of course it hurts but does it change your attitude about being nice during the divorce? I'm waiting for an email from my STBXW about a guy I let her hang out with several years ago. Without too many details I asked her to quit being friends with him because it made me feel uncomfortable. She always denied anything ever happened but in the back of my mind there was just too much free time on her hands with me working an hour away and her having the house all to herself until six every evening. I didn't know anything about the warning signs back then that I know now to look for after being on this forum. Looking back at what all happened I'm getting sick just thinking about what she might finally reveal in this email. We were arguing over text this morning and she said she had changed her mind and wanted to work on the marriage. Sensing I had the upper hand for a moment I asked her to tell me in brutal detail what really happened between them and I'd consider it. She asked if she could email me at work....and now I wait.....

I don't like waiting.....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm resisting that most human of tendencies to say, "I told you so" - but I never thought for a minute she wouldn't have second thoughts when she realized how serious you are/were.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Conrad said:


> I'm resisting that most human of tendencies to say, "I told you so" - but I never thought for a minute she wouldn't have second thoughts when she realized how serious you are/were.


Could you expand on that a bit? Not taking offense just want to understand what your saying....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> Could you expand on that a bit? Not taking offense just want to understand what your saying....


I don't want you to take offense.

From your testimony, it sounded like she NEVER thought you'd actually pull the trigger. It's becoming real for her now and she really likes the life you provided for her.

She's never really followed through on getting a job or anything else involved with taking care of you. Agreements between you and her meant nothing (to her)

So, I figured she was a prime candidate to push reconciliation hard at some point. You basically told me she hardly even had a pulse where you were concerned and didn't seem attracted to you. Yet, lately, I remember reading she basically invited you to bed.

I'm not sure where you are at with this now, but you really have her attention.

What are you going to do if she actually finds religion?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Nothing changes. We still divorce. I just read the email and she was very descriptive but holds true that nothing physical ever happened although she did have a crush on him. She admits that at the only party we ever went to at his house, that if I had left her there by herself that something would have happened and it would have been consensual. This is what she told me the day after the party which I had dragged her away from because I didn't like how she was being flirty with him. Some time after that she denied making that comment but now she is being honest about it again. I don't know if I should believe her or not or if it matters at this point. I feel some relief that she was able to tell the same story years later and nothing changed about the details of it. She says her friends were the ones to really get her to leave him alone and not so much me.

And yes, about 2 months ago she did come in that one morning and invite me to bed. I accepted. We agreed to try and have a physical relationship since it was a need we both had. But it went away as fast as it started so I chalked it up to her trying to lure me back in with pvssy. I started feeling like it was before because all of a sudden she goes from super horny to headaches and "not right now" which put me back where I was a year ago feeling hurt and rejected so I decided that was a bad idea and won't ever go there again.

Just this morning she admitted she has never once enjoyed giving a blowjob and each one she ever gave was basically only because I liked it. That would explain that look on her face she always had like someone just licked a lemon. So, every blowjob I ever got in thirteen years from my wife was out of pity. That's just another nail in the coffin to me.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

It would change things for me, yes.

I value certain things. Why would you want to have a lying/cheating friend? It would further cement in my mind D is/was the right course of action. It tips the balance of "fault" from say 50/50 or 40/60 to 99/1.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Otter,

>>Just this morning she admitted she has never once enjoyed giving a blowjob and each one she ever gave was basically only because I liked it. That would explain that look on her face she always had like someone just licked a lemon. So, every blowjob I ever got in thirteen years from my wife was out of pity. That's just another nail in the coffin to me.<<

I highlight this because I've been accused of stressing this too much.

Story after story we hear of women who think giving head to their husbands is "gross" or "not necessary", but they completely change their tune when hooking up with their alpha ******* boyfriends.

Finding out my wife was blowing some other dude but wasn't interested in providing that to me... certain dealbreaker.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

yeah, if she ever admitted doing that it would be a deal breaker for me too. It's not that she doesn't want d1ck, it's just that she doesn't want your d1ck. 

There aren't many loopholes in her story. And I'll never get the whole truth unless I find the guy, befriend him, get him drunk and then start joking around about it hoping for the truth to come out. As of right now I don't even know where he lives.

One of the bigger things out of the email is that it was her friends and not me that convinced her to leave this guy alone. That means, without the friends there, she would have just lied to my face about stopping contact and proceeded to hookup at her first convenience when I left for work.

So at this point I can either accept what she says is the truth and try to rebuild the trust or move on. well, since it was three or four years ago and there's no evidence whatsoever that she has pursued any other guys then I'd have to believe she could be trusted again. But what happens next time she's bored? Is she going to tell me or just slip into another emotional or physical affair with someone? 

I like to believe I'm fairly mixed on alpha/beta traits. I do a lot of heavy lifting around the house, I help out with kids, I'm a cub scout leader, I do manly mechanic work on the cars....but none of that matters because she just basically doesn't respect my authority as the man of the house. Whether it's because of how she was raised to be independent and not let a man "control" her or not I don't know. But I don't see her changing that way of thinking and becoming the naturally submissive (and I don't mean slave) woman that balances out a normal relationship.

So I chose to move on.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you ever tried setting boundaries?

Clear boundaries without anger or emotion?

It's no more than, "I'm not ok with that"

Then let HER react.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's immoral. That's all there is to it. No changing that. You are making the right choice.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Conrad said:


> Have you ever tried setting boundaries?
> 
> Clear boundaries without anger or emotion?
> 
> ...


I have. Depending on what I'm not ok with I either get some rebuttal, a childish tantrum or she just asks what my suggestion is for whatever we are talking about.

I thought I was setting a boundary with this guy but apparently, without her friends talking her out of it, it wouldn't have meant a thing.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> She's immoral. That's all there is to it. No changing that. You are making the right choice.


Yep, the point is she was going to. 

From her email:

"AS for his house party, at that time I did have a crush on him, and I could sense he had one on me,too. Yes, if I would have been left alone, something probably would have happened...and it would have been consensual. But I can't tell you how many times I thank God that I never went that far, or never attempted to do anything with him when I had chances. "


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What consequences did she face as a result of her just indicating you should "live with it"?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Live with what? knowing she was going to sleep with this guy?

At the time I thought I had "won the battle" so to speak and the problem was taken care of. It never dawned on me at the time how disrespectful she had been or that she had so quickly been taken by this guy considering all he ever did was just lend an ear and as far as I know didin't actively pursue her.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

I don't think its important who pursued who. A person who values their relationship treats anyone, whether it be an ex, friend, coworker, etc, like a stranger leering at her on the street. Once she finds out their intentions, ew, no thanks.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> Live with what? knowing she was going to sleep with this guy?
> 
> At the time I thought I had "won the battle" so to speak and the problem was taken care of. It never dawned on me at the time how disrespectful she had been or that she had so quickly been taken by this guy considering all he ever did was just lend an ear and as far as I know didin't actively pursue her.


OSO,

Seems like my questions are getting to you a bit. Does it make you angry to think about this stuff?

What I'm really driving at is something along these lines - no matter what she did, your financial support and "man of the house" stuff stayed constant, correct?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

yes, I never took away her access to the money. I never made her leave. She always had the house and me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> yes, I never took away her access to the money. I never made her leave. She always had the house and me.


Every cheater's dream setup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> Every cheater's dream setup.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep....but I have no proof other than her saying she would have if I wasn't there to stop her. So if she won't admit it and I can't very well track this guy down and force it out of him, I'm left with nothing but doubt that it would happen again.

In my heart though I want to believe her that she didn't do anything. We have seen some people on these boards that are proof that you can still stop before it goes too far and have the self control to quit what they are doing and refocus on the marriage. Maybe that was her.

I'll never know though for real.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No you'll never know for sure. I think she is being fairly honest now because there isn't a whole lot of motivation for her to lie. If she had been in a PA with him she probably would be denying pretty much everything right now. Why would she say it was her friends that convinced her to back off? Why would she say it would have been consensual and that she had a crush on him? If she'd had a PA I think she'd be saying a lot less of those sorts of things.

To answer your question, it would change things only in providing leverage in negotiations. Plus it would provide emotional closure for someone who had doubts or suspicions for years to finally get the truth.

I don't think finding out for sure about an affair via her admission would make me stop the D. If anything it would confirm my resolve.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Big red flag here! You exposed her somewhat and she felt guilty enough to say "let's work on us" that moment but for all you know may just be going through the motions to keep you and still see him. You have no proof they are over and that "just a friend" is out of the picture, no longer talking to her, and they no longer feel romantically involved. 

For all you know the affair could be driven underground now and she's putting up an act to keep you until you feel comfortable enough to trust her like before. The warning sign here is how fast she wanted to make it up to you and save the marriage instead of taking time to evaluate what she wants. It's true what they say.... cheating men give flowers, cheating women give blow jobs.

You still have a chance to pull her back on your side with as much investment she's still giving you, you're not separated or going dark. This is a golden time for the 180 and to pull back until you know for sure the affair is over. It's almost predictable that she will string you along in preparation to leave for him and do just about anything to keep you interested in her until she feels confident you're still hers. At which point she will go back to the affair because that guy is much harder to keep committed to her and they still have a high investment in each others love bank.

At this time you're going to want to fight and get your way, a wife that's 100% committed to you, and the OM's head on a pike in your front yard to serve as a warning to all other potential suitors. A perfect conflict free environment isn't natural but it sure is what the OM is creating with her and promising if she leaves you. This is why every argument you have and severe turn off will just drive her closer to him, so it's best to avoid arguing with her at all costs and putting the OM down - which will be seen as an attack on her pride and what she likes. You still need to work on yourself and any bad habits at some point so why not get started now.

You also need to agree with her about her first decision being right and at least "act as if" you're happier seeing her leave, it doesn't bother you one bit. It's seems like it's not going to work but I promise you the harder you work to keep her the more she'll want to escape and be with him, even if it's just an EA. Use her exact words and tell her how you would rather work on the marriage, but she wants out to be with someone more deserving and you're not going to stop her. This is just one way of demonstrating that you don't need her anymore and are not going to even attempt to control her or change her mind. You say "I've know about you and him for a while. It's not like you went out looking to replace me.". If she stays or goes her affair is still going to end when Mr. Perfect turns out to be a lie anywhere from 6mo to a couple years.

What's the most important thing for you to do right now is NEVER COTTLE HER. You're well meant "at a girl"s and "it's going to be alright honey"s could be propelling her attraction for him even more because she can go to him to feel affectionate and come to you for comfort when she's severely depressed over her affair. This also means not saying "I love you" for quite some time and sleeping in your own bed, absolutely no sex, and no extravagant sacrifices for her.... you can go out to eat but go Dutch. Let her go get her counseling and pick me up from the OM when you tell her "I'll give you some alone time"(in a nice way). Yeah, how attractive do you think she will look complaining to him all the time and ticking him off?

If you can pass the marshmallow test and get along as friends, (not making any moves on her, seeking out sympathy pu$$y, or jealously fighting when you know she's been talking to or with the OM) you'll start to seem like the better man. It takes some practice to bottle up your explosive and controlling rage to take them somewhere else to b!tch, cry, and rant, but with time it really pays off. Mood stabilizers and physical exercise really help this process.... just take it to the gym and break a few personal records, by the end of the day you're be enjoying your endorphin euphoria and too tired to take things out on her. Let the OM do that when their sweetheart stage wears off and he's now the controlling jerk trying to keep her from spending time with you. Oh he will grow controlling and over time start demanding she spend all of her free time with him.... let this happen and let him crash and burn all on his own as the POS untrustworthy cheater he really is. 

Btw, you're basically showing her without trying to change her mind or work on the marriage that you still are the wonderful man she married. Even if you don't want her back now you're still improving your chances in the future. And by creating a stress free environment where you're happily living your life not revolving around her you'll see her break down when she realizes what she's losing. I know I never saw my wife cry harder than she did in mediation signing the D papers. This after getting along better than ever, going on lunch dates, and not starting trouble when her D-bag bf started blowing up her phone. 

There's a lot more to tell you but this is it for now. Take things slow and be very wary of her sweet words.... learn to read body language and lie detection on your own. And for God sakes do paternity tests on your future children just in case. I know you want to trust her but after this she's going to have to prove her want for R is honest and true.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Thanks for putting so much into that post. However, the guy friend moved out of state shortly after the emotional affair. So he definitely isn't around. And I'm grilling her over the details and she hasn't cracked yet. I'm agreeing with thor right now. She has no real reason to give up the kind of info she is. Anyways, I'm putting my issue to rest for right now. Feel free to leave this open for comments as the original title is still good conversation starter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In a "no-fault" divorce scenario it would make no difference to me. You couldn't use that info against them as under NF, it is totally irrelavant. But it would further jaundice my feelings for them.

In an "at-fault" divorce setting, I'd gather up any and all info that I could possibly get my hands on, primarily because it would be so very potentially useful in the mediation process!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

And you're "grilling her" expecting her to tell you everything? No one likes to be confronted by force and even torture victims will give false information to get you to stop. If however you gentle approached her and told her something like "I understand reliving the details and telling me is stressful for you..... we'll talk about it when you're ready", you'd get more information because she will want to tell you and feel safe you're not going to blame her or use any of this for leverage once you find out. 

You're going to want to gently confront her after she's been distracted by something that creates a positive mood in her. This going along with the Rule Of Three with anything exciting will create an expected optimistic mind frame. After that you can address the problem at hand using a few choice phrases (see NLP) that neither cast blame or guilt trip. However, she may not be ready to tell you just yet and you MUST respect her decision. If you kep grilling her she's going to see you as a control freak and the same @$$hole she wanted to cheat on in the first place. If she gives you any information thank her for being honest with you (it's difficult for her to anyways) and take charge of her response telling her in a mature manner how you are happy she is willing to work on the marriage, and there are some things you have to change about yourself, but it's going to take some time for both of you. Finishing up just comfort her and put a plan into action yourself to, for one stop grilling her like her father, and accept that she has faults just as you do but..... SHE CHOSE YOU!!!!

The way I confronted my wife was after about ten minuted of comfortable conversation and three or four jokes about her situation. After that I simply said "I've known about you and the OM for a while.... is there anything else you want to tell me about?". She got real sheepish and told me a little bit here and there. I told her the timeline of when I knew this and this, and how I was not upset she cheated because I could have let her go sooner, but that I didn't like being lied to. I had to change the subject and brighten her mood again before I asked one more time. This time there was no gaslighting and through her words I got enough to answer my own questions (probably 70-80% that I didn't know but I bluffed my way through a lot of that). I got her laughing again before we ended the call and let her know in one way or another I wasn't the control freak she thought I was.

You have to look at things another way and see all this "working on your marriage" on your part is really pushing her away. If you love her this much then sit on those burning questions for a few days, a week, maybe even a few months until her expectation of you has changed enough that you're not going to interrogate her every time she's a few minutes late from work or confuse the anxiety you give her as hiding something. Which would you rather have right now.... every question you have answered and your wife in tears. You storming around the house and pulling hairs for a few days just scaring the living sh!t out of your wife. OR a wife that feels she can come to you with her problems again that you will listen to, like the OM did for her. That you understand her and actually care, actually remember what she asked you to get at the store and what so-and-so said to her that day. She'll want to come home to a warm hug, not 21 questions, is all I'm saying.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

one_strange_otter said:


> Yep....but I have no proof other than her saying she would have if I wasn't there to stop her. So if she won't admit it and I can't very well track this guy down and force it out of him, I'm left with nothing but doubt that it would happen again.
> 
> In my heart though I want to believe her that she didn't do anything. We have seen some people on these boards that are proof that you can still stop before it goes too far and have the self control to quit what they are doing and refocus on the marriage. Maybe that was her.


Except for the "focus on the marriage part".

Your story fascinates me because you were certain she'd never adjust/change a thing and now she is.

Perhaps the first part beget the second? She never felt there would be ANY consequences for her bad behavior. So, she indulged herself.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Do you guys think women lie, lie, lie everytime when asked about an affair that went physical or could there be times when they admit to certain things? 

In my case, STBXW admitted they were attracted to each other but gave me a story about OM being madly in love (almost suicidal) with a girl who has kids with another man. She said had I not wanted to get back, things were heading to a physical level. But has never admitted ever kissing him. This while having to confess being at his place on more than one occassion.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lifescript said:


> Do you guys think women lie, lie, lie everytime when asked about an affair that went physical or could there be times when they admit to certain things?
> 
> In my case, STBXW admitted they were attracted to each other but gave me a story about OM being madly in love (almost suicidal) with a girl who has kids with another man. She said had I not wanted to get back, things were heading to a physical level. But has never admitted ever kissing him. This while having to confess being at his place on more than one occassion.


Well, most cheating women do, yes..... but not all women are cheaters or liars. I like to think there are far more good women than bad, and dorks like us attract the bad ones.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I hear you bandit.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Thanks for putting so much into that post. However, the guy friend moved out of state shortly after the emotional affair. So he definitely isn't around. And I'm grilling her over the details and she hasn't cracked yet. I'm agreeing with thor right now. She has no real reason to give up the kind of info she is. Anyways, I'm putting my issue to rest for right now. Feel free to leave this open for comments as the original title is still good conversation starter.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm telling you I sense something is still going on. I've heard it all from my ex wife about how the OM is a jerk, they aren't friends anymore, let's work on us..... but somehow you're gut just tells you something is wrong. Yeah, she divorced me for him and tried to gaslight me into feeling she did everything to save the marriage and work on us, but it was all my fault she cheated:scratchhead: 

Your wife could very well just be trying to smooth things over with you until such time she feels comfortable enough she has you and she can check out of the marriage to be with him when when she pleases. If that is the case you're going to hear a lot of denying and eventually some attempt to guilt trip you for not trusting her, this in a way that leaves you dumbstruck every time you uncover a little more about an underground affair. 

If I were you I'd take this chance to say "ok, W" and them brush up on lie detection skills, body language, micro expressions in her face and in the faces of her friends. Be prepared to hear some of the phrases like "I forgot", "He's just a friend", "You're trying to control me", "You can't keep me from having friends", "I need space", "I was working late/staying with my girlfriends/buying you something", "We're just friends now".... and the list goes on an on but for the most part is designed to make you seem like a bad guy and she's "just" trying to have fun. 

Get a program to uncover HASH files for locked PCs and macs, or just enter the three to five bits of code that disable the password being required to start up. Enable a good key stroke logger and make sure any virus detection program doesn't register this. Check her email history for any multiple FB accounts and possible recover stored email passwords in a mac keychain or saved passwd program for Windows. Install a VAR under seat in her car with industrial velcro, and a GPS tracker if you can afford one. Then see if you can slip her phone away from her and install a recommended tracer and logger software directly, some of the online stuff is pure junk and doesn't ever work. 

Unless you don't like hearing any of this and trust your wife. After all she was SO trustworthy before, and would never think of leaving you for him..... Psssst she's still having doubts about being with you so don't give her ammunition and make the OM look even more like a knight in shining armor.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I realize on a forum such as this one it's incredibly difficult to convey a complete story. Bits and pieces are thrown out there based on whatever emotion the poster feels at the time and everyone begins to respond based on this single piece of information. It's like saying you can guess what picture a jigsaw puzzle makes by only looking at one of the 1000 peices. This frustrates me at times but getting some response is better than no response and it usually helps to clear your head by typing what you feel.

That being said, I'm certain now she never cheated. I've spent 13 years getting to know her (plus 3 from before our wedding day). I'm fairly certain that puts me in the best position to judge her character. Would she have cheated if I wasn't there? Obviously the answer is yes. Would it do any good at this point to demand no contact, ask for all passwords, install a VAR, track her with GPS? The answer is no. That man is gone from both our lives. Was she remorseful at the time? Yes I believe she was. She offered transparency on her own. She checked in with me everywhere she went. Perhaps at the time I didn't realize how deep it hurt me that she had so quickly been drawn into that situation and the fact that I was basically handing her to him on a silver platter by allowing them to go to movies together, etc. So, when we got into a petty argument the other day on text and I actually found myself in a position of control I put that carrot in front of her and said "give me a full confession and perhaps I'll reconsider". Several emails back and forth later I'm satisified with her answer.

Back to my original point. Does it change anything about my divorce? Since I believe her that it never went any farther than the half hearted attempt that night to leave herself vulnerable to his advances, no, it doesn't. If she had openly confessed to a secret love affair then for me, yes it would change everything. To me, if you spread your legs for another man then you instantly turn yourself into the weekend parent when the divorce is finalized and the dust settles.

For Conrad,
I believe from another thread of mine you read you already understand her princess attitude. Any sign of me asking her to do anything that might be considered submissive and all hell breaks loose. "Did you plan on making dinner tonight honey?" "I'm not your cook. Besides, I already had a two bowls of cereal before you got here so I"m not hungry. Just go drive through for something for you and the kids." Or "Why cook? You guys never eat it anyway and I end up throwing it out" To make a point, I don't mean to sound like I'm asking for a betty crocker type of wife. However, if she's working part time 3 days a week from 9a-2p and I'm leaving at 6:45 in the morning and getting back around that same time in the evening with two-thirds of our children in tow then I damn well expect her to pull her weight and she could never do that. Did I give her opportunities to change? Yes I did. I set a boundary once that if she brought up divorce in an argument then I'd leave. She brought it up, I walked out the door. I only made it to my sisters overnight but on my return she was the model wife for about two weeks. Our marriage counselor guessed that conclusion before I could finish getting the words out of my mouth. So, she's had her chance more than once to prove herself worthy of a marriage to me. However, even if she had proven herself and made changes to her lifestyle, started helping out more, pulling her own weight, providing for the family with meals and a clean house, helping me work on our non-existent sex life, even with all those things I still don't think it would have worked out in the end. Simple reason is because I still maintain I didn't marry her because I loved her. I married her because she was the first girl that was willing to have sex with me plain and simple. In the beginning that was great. SHe is my second partner and I was her one and only. (still have the comforter to prove that somewhere lol) But once the sex went away and she groomed me into this subservient husband that bent over backwards to provide everything while she did nothing I got bitter and angry with myself for letting it happen. Thirteen years later I decided I'd had enough and here I am filing for divorce.

Would intense counseling, couples workshops, lovers retreats etc. ever bring us back together to have a healthy marriage? In my heart I don't think it would. Some people like myself can't get over the resentment that is built up over so much time of being disrespected and mistreated the way I feel I have been. Early in our marriage when we had trouble she wanted to work on it and I didn't. THen in the middle of our marriage we both did. Then towards the end of our marriage I had already made up my mind and when I said "I haven't truly loved you as anything more than a friend for as long as I can remember. I'd like to divorce you." then she just wanted out and said exactly that even if I changed my mind she wouldn't want me back. Fast forward a few months, maybe she is thinking her little gravy train is about to leave the station and that realization hits her so she offers sex, then she offers to work on it again and just let bygones be bygones (rugsweep). The entire time between the divorce decision and now she hasn't changed a single thing about her behavior to make me think she is willing to make a permanent change. So, even in the face of divorce she is stagnant. Only offering tangible things like sex to lure me back into the relationship but not anything I can notice about what I perceive as her selfish nature.

One final example of her inability to commit and then I'm off this thread for a while. Last week I decided as the father of my children that our eating habits had to change. My daughter is severely obese for her age (215 lbs, 5ft 6", 11 years old), my middle son needs to lose about 20 pounds, my stbxw even needs to drop weight to help control her diabetes and even though I work out several times a week I need to lose weight also. So I picked out a weight management method designed by Wellspring. The tenets are simple. Buy a pedometer and try to get 10K steps a day, eat less than 20 grams of fat a day and finally, keep a journal of what you eat and when including the steps you take. Everyone agreed it was a good idea. I had the kids hold some of my 30lb barbells and walk around the room and realize how much stress that extra weight is on your body. Then they dropped the barbells and felt that difference. I had buy in at that point. So I end the evening on a happy note and the next day we all wear pedometers (expect for my stbxw who said she was too ill to start doing that much walking right now). The very next afternoon I get home and what do I find on the counter? A giant bag of powdered donuts and a little debbie honey bun sitting there by the microwave. Really? We just had this big speech about eating healthy and making changes and not even 24 hrs later there are donuts in the house? I gave her a chance to explain. Her excuse? That when she was shopping our 4 yr old must have slid them into the basket when she wasn't looking because she only noticed them when she was checking out. "So why didn't you just tell the clerk you didn't want those items and have them put back?" "Well, I was really tired and your son was being whiney about them so I just didn't want to deal with him right then and bought them." After listening to her throwing her own son under the bus so to speak about the sweets I just gathered them up, set them in front of her and said "go feed these to the dogs. they aren't allowed in this house anymore." "Well, I don't think the dogs will eat them!". "Then throw them in the f*cking trash can......."


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