# Pt. 2 Marriage - a sexual contract?



## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Firstly, apologies to the moderator if I'm overstepping the rules here. It certainly isn't the intention, I just couldn't access the previous thread - locked.

Some sound advice was certainly given by some whilst others seemed to launch off on various tangents.

Based on some of the responses, I felt it best to clarify the situation.
1. My then girlfriend/future wife was REALLY into anal sex, typically she would be the initiator. This would happen several times per week.
2. I was there when she told her brother how much she loves it, it wasn't a case of hearsay.
3. Yes, we have children. 
4. It's since the birth of our last child 14 months ago that this all started. NOTE: We hadn't actually tried anal since the birth befoire she declared it "too painful" eg. How the hell would you know if you're not even trying? Surely a person who "LOVES" something would do their level best to make it a reality??
5. No, it's not a case of not being in love with someone, it';s more a case of having a set list of pre-requisites for your future partner. Frankly I see it as being no different from having "non drug user" on your wish list.

As one person said, I thought I'd bought the deluxe model and somehow it just ain't what I signed up for.
PLEASE NOTE, this isn't purely about anal sex. There are other things that she no longer does, and I'm OK (willing to negotiate) on these things, but this isn't really one of them.

To be more clear, it's quite possible to love someone despite the fact that they aren't making you happy.

What I really wanted from this forum was some advice on how to initiate this discussion in a way that doesn't seem threatening to my wife. I DO NOT want her to be doing anything she isn't comfortable with but neither am I willing to live the rest of my life with a woman who has basically reverted to the most vanilla sex imaginable.

Some have stated that I mustn't love my wife if that love is contingent on anal sex........ Let's be clear, I certainly wasn't "in love" with my wife when we started shagging. The shagging is a necessary requirement to establish compatibility. Love comes after. eg. not into anal?, I'll move on, thanks for your time type of situation.

We could exchange "anal" for just about anything in this scenario I believe.

Ladies, what if your husband decided tomorrow that your orgasms were no longer important to him? What if he decided that going to work was no longer suiting him? 

I do plenty of things in my life that don't necessarily suit me, but I continue to do them because that's the kind of guy I am. I'm not asking my wife to do something that will hurt her, nor will I force her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?

How often are you two having sex these days?

How old are your children?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Just to let you know, you are violating forum rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> 1. My then girlfriend/future wife was REALLY into anal sex, typically she would be the initiator. This would happen several times per week.
> 2. I was there when she told her brother how much she loves it,


She told her brother she loves anal sex.

Ok that's weird.


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

Just ask her what needs to be done to fix the situation. More lub, more time to get ready, more gentle, whatever?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Just to let you know, you are violating forum rules.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just to let you know, no he isn't.

Read the moderators last post.

The part about how the Op is free to come back and talk about it.

Obviously he can't "come back and talk about it" on a locked thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This new post of yours gives a much better description of what’s going on. Remember that people can only respond to what you actually post.

When was the last time you had anal with her? 

Why do you think that a person would give up something that they really enjoyed in the past as you now say she did? People do not easily give up the things that they really enjoyed. Usually it’s because it’s no longer enjoyable, because that person is no longer getting what they used to get from those things.

She says it hurts. You say that she did not complain the last time she had anal There are things that I can think of that would explain this. But I’m not going to speculate. YOU need to talk to your wife. You will never now until you get her to open up.

If you make the conversation about why she’s saying it hurts when it did not hurt last time, yada yada she’s going to shut down. That line of discussion is basically calling her a liar.

You describe a much broader issue with sex in your marriage. When there are problems with sex in a marriage the sex problems stem from HUGE problems in the relationship. Your sex life is not going to get better until the relationship problems are fixed. So first you need to identify the non-sexual problems in your marriage.

Your youngest is 14 months old. Has your wife been depressed? Can she keep up with things like she did before the baby? (Does she work outside the home?) 

Is she on birth control?

What problems does she tell you that she has in your relationship? At home?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Just to let you know, no he isn't.
> 
> Read the moderators last post.
> 
> ...


Well excuse the Hell out of me for not seeing the mod's post. According to the Forum Guidelines, he is breaking the rules. That's what I was going by.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This new post of yours gives a much better description of what’s going on. Remember that people can only respond to what you actually post.


Speak for yourself. I respond to what people are thinking even if they don't write it down. 

You don't believe, me do you? 

See, I knew what you were thinking!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lenzi said:


> She told her brother she loves anal sex.
> 
> Ok that's weird.


LOL. No doubt. Are their names Cersei and Jamie?

Anyway... OP, you do realize that women's bodies change over time and especially where childbirth is concerned... right?!?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would say that after babies, he body has changed and it is painful. 

Carrying a baby causes hemmoroids (inside and out) that can be painful during anal and even bleed (hi! Happened here.)

So again, she may have loved it...now she doesn't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cleancut said:


> Ladies, what if your husband decided tomorrow that your orgasms were no longer important to him? What if he decided that going to work was no longer suiting him?
> 
> I do plenty of things in my life that don't necessarily suit me, but I continue to do them because that's the kind of guy I am. I'm not asking my wife to do something that will hurt her, nor will I force her.


But I don't need anal, nor does he, to orgasm. You can only orgasm through anal? 

Or does she just not want sex at all now.

And maybe try anal yourself just once. Honestly. I feel bad for her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cleancut said:


> Ladies, what if your husband decided tomorrow that your orgasms were no longer important to him?


This is not comparable to your issue because there are many ways to give an orgasm to a woman. Few if any of them would cause a man to suffer rectal pain, fissures, etc. 

What I did when my H told me that my orgasms were not important to him was to realize that we had problems that were much bigger than orgasms. I tried to get him to work with me to figure the problem with our relationship and to fix them. Good sex would follow with some work and communication. Now it never worked because it turns out that he was cheating and could care less if we fixed our marriage as long as I continued to support him through medical school and residency. But with time I found that out by looking for the root cause.

Hopefully you will be able get your wife to work on your marriage and fix it. This is completely possible.




Cleancut said:


> What if he decided that going to work was no longer suiting him?


I’m not addressing this because I get tired of sex and money being tied together like this.



Cleancut said:


> I do plenty of things in my life that don't necessarily suit me, but I continue to do them because that's the kind of guy I am.


I hope you do because these things are your responsibility. It’s your home and your children. Doing the things that you are responsible for does not get you sex.


Cleancut said:


> I'm not asking my wife to do something that will hurt her, nor will I force her.


She told you that it hurt her. She is the only one who knows what does and does not hurt her. So yes you are asking her to do something that hurts her. 

Tell us more about your relationship. In the last year, what’s the average amount of time that you and your wife spend together, just the two of you, doing date-like things?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pregnancy and childbirth change a woman's body, sometimes irretrievably. Hemroids, fissures, and other GI issues that are common in pregnant woman don't always go away right after the birth. I hear hemeroids sometimes never completely go away. The scaring from an episiotomy can cause anal pain during a bowel movement, if she ripped, multiply that lasting effect times 10. 

She is saying she no longer likes it, your job is to find out why and what might be done to help her feel more comfortable with it. Going into this conversation with a sense of entitlement or as if you've been hoodwinked will not get you anywhere.

Explain how much you enjoy it, why it's so important to you, how it feels that she has cut that part of your sex life out ... like she's not willing to fully share herself but only a piece of herself. Opening a dialogue in which you seek to understand and not to persuade, will help you get your relationship back on track.

Lastly, you stopping work because you don't feel like it anymore is in no way the same thing as her denying access to her ass. This isn't a bait and switch. If you are so certain she is not in any pain at all, why not call her GYN and discuss your concerns together. Let's she what her GYN thinks about it?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Cleancut;9422618
... because that's the kind of guy I am.[/QUOTE said:


> I don't know what kind of guy you are from the things that you write about you but the way that you write - well, I think you are a little insensitive.
> 
> Your other thread went viral - I think in part because some posters were a little PO'ed with you.
> 
> ...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Cleancut said:
> 
> 
> > What if he decided that going to work was no longer suiting him?
> ...


You actually did sort of address it by not addressing it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. The whole "What is the man decided not to go to work" bullcrap gets old when comparing it to sex. Is she your prostitute? No. 

Especially since in this home, I make just as much if not more than he does ....so...if he didn't feel like working, he could gtfo. I'd be fine. I lived here alone the 2 times he left and was perfectly fine.

I also gave myself some amazing orgasms


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

:iagree:


Anon Pink said:


> Pregnancy and childbirth change a woman's body, sometimes irretrievably. Hemroids, fissures, and other GI issues that are common in pregnant woman don't always go away right after the birth. I hear hemeroids sometimes never completely go away. The scaring from an episiotomy can cause anal pain during a bowel movement, if she ripped, multiply that lasting effect times 10.
> 
> She is saying she no longer likes it, your job is to find out why and what might be done to help her feel more comfortable with it. Going into this conversation with a sense of entitlement or as if you've been hoodwinked will not get you anywhere.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lenzi said:


> You actually did sort of address it by not addressing it.


How so?


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

it does seem weird and gross to make your wife feel bad for not liking anal sex anymore. also seems like a good recipe not to get any sex anymore.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How so?


Well, you quoted it and responded to it. Even if you didn't really add anything new to it. 

It's sort of like saying to a person "I am ignoring you".

You can't ignore them if you tell them you're ignoring them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Also, the aftereffects of anal is....not pleasant. You can't control your bowel muscles and ....well, yea. 

With kids and a baby, I'm sure "not sh1tting my pants today" is at the top of her list since she has other diapers to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Speak for yourself. I respond to what people are thinking even if they don't write it down.


Yes you did. OP thinks that I wife is a liar. And he did write down in his original thread that he did not believe her. 

You agree and you took it further saying that you believe that all women are liars.

We got that loud and clear.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Also, the aftereffects of anal is....not pleasant. You can't control your bowel muscles and ....well, yea.
> 
> With kids and a baby, I'm sure "not sh1tting my pants today" is at the top of her list since she has other diapers to change.


You have a rather direct way of making your point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Well, you quoted it and responded to it. Even if you didn't really add anything new to it.
> 
> It's sort of like saying to a person "I am ignoring you".
> 
> You can't ignore them if you tell them you're ignoring them.


Are you enjoying yourself? :rofl:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lenzi said:


> You have a rather direct way of making your point.


And you're a bit weird.

I like it. 

But honestly, this man talks like he owns her a$$hole. He doesn't. It's HER body. I promise he's never taken anything up the butt or he'd not be so "whatever" about her complaints.

I feel bad for her because I'm sure he tries to talk her into it (which isn't sexy) and then pouts when he doesn't get it.

And just the idea of sex could become bothersome for her because she knows he's going to bring it up. Annoying.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes you did. OP thinks that I wife is a liar. And he did write down in his original thread that he did not believe her.
> 
> You agree and you took it further saying that you believe that all women are liars.
> 
> We got that loud and clear.


I never said or inferred anything close to that I believe all women are liars. Although I do believe that everyone can and does lie at times. 

What I DID say was that women (and men) can and do lie so you cannot always take what a person says at face value. 

In the context of our discussion on that thread I was suggesting that the Ops wife could be using the statement that "anal hurts" as nothing more than an excuse not to have sex. I didn't say it definitely WAS an excuse, nor that every woman that complains that anal sex hurts is a liar, but the possibility of it being an excuse does exist and should not be completely discounted.


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> And you're a bit weird.
> 
> I like it.
> 
> ...


agreed. and never having been penetrated anally myself, i can't speak for how it would feel. but if she doesn't want to, then that is it. plus, if she just had a baby - geez, give her break.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> And you're a bit weird.


My therapist tells me that. ALL the time!

Then I get asked for my insurance copay and it's "see ya next week, remember everything we talked about!"

As if that helps


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But only she knows. 

So if she's not a known liar then why not believe her now?

This is so stupid. Holy crap. I hope his wife gets sick of it and ends it herself.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Are you enjoying yourself? :rofl:


It's better than "must see TV"


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

kilgore said:


> that_girl said:
> 
> 
> > And you're a bit weird.
> ...


Wait. 

Do you agree that I'm weird or do you agree that the man talks like he owns her a$$hole?

Or both


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Wait.
> 
> Do you agree that I'm weird or do you agree that the man talks like he owns her a$$hole?
> 
> Or both


yes


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Fine


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Also, the aftereffects of anal is....not pleasant. You can't control your bowel muscles and ....well, yea.
> 
> With kids and a baby, I'm sure "not sh1tting my pants today" is at the top of her list since she has other diapers to change.


:lol: :rofl:

Oh, and also...

Ewww.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I've got a hundred bucks on this thread blowing up, getting locked out, and never seeing another post from the OP.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I hope his wife gets sick of it and ends it herself.


When you said "ends" it herself, was that an intended pun?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> :lol: :rofl:
> 
> Oh, and also...
> 
> Ewww.


Well, men talk about it like it's no big deal. Yet, they've never done it. I implore any man who wants his wife to do this, to do it himself first.

Just because there's a hole, doesn't mean it needs a d in it.


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, men talk about it like it's no big deal. Yet, they've never done it. I implore any man who wants his wife to do this, to do it himself first.
> 
> Just because there's a hole, doesn't mean it needs a d in it.


i have never tried it either way. i'd be happy to try giving it, if my wife were up for it, but by no means would i force the issue or even whine about it. and i don't think i'd ever ever receive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Let's keep this thread from getting out of hand like the other one so that the OP will not be driven away.


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Let's keep this thread from getting out of hand like the other one so that the OP will not be driven away.


how?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, men talk about it like it's no big deal. Yet, they've never done it. I implore any man who wants his wife to do this, to do it himself first.
> 
> Just because there's a hole, doesn't mean it needs a d in it.


Let's not badmouth a$$ f$%king!

I've been with 4 women who were into it. 3 had prior experience and freaking loved it. One learned it from me during our time together. 

All 4 seemed to prefer it over and above VJ sex. I don't know why, and I don't need to be anally penetrated myself to develop a greater understanding.

All I'm saying is there's something to it, at least from my own personal experience with these women. 

My guess is that any women who doesn't like it or experiences pain is not with a guy who does it the way it needs to be done.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not true. That's a silly assumption. Pun intended.

It can hurt for many reasons. I had a horrible experience after enjoying it for a long while in my life with my husband. He never pushed it or whined about it. It was just what we liked. Then disaster struck.
If he felt entitled to my butthole, we have bigger issues than we do now. It's MY BODY. End of story.
If his wife doesn't want it, that's it. It's not the end all of sex.


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Not true. That's a silly assumption. Pun intended.
> 
> It can hurt for many reasons. I had a horrible experience after enjoying it for a long while in my life with my husband. He never pushed it or whined about it. It was just what we liked. Then disaster struck.
> If he felt entitled to my butthole, we have bigger issues than we do now. It's MY BODY. End of story.
> If his wife doesn't want it, that's it. It's not the end all of sex.


so best not to walk into the bedroom naked and say, "so where should i put this?" not subtle enough.

lol. i totally agree with you.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Not true. That's a silly assumption. Pun intended.


Ok, that's fair, thanks for clearing that up. 

I'd never push it on a woman if she didn't want it. As I said, it's usually the woman that's looking for it and I aim to please.

There's two other perfectly good holes.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

lenzi said:


> All 4 seemed to prefer it over and above VJ sex..


The only thing I can think is .... "How small* ARE *you?" 

I used to really be into anal and had it with a few women but they never "preferred" it. One said that she liked it, but it was still never a preferred thing.

Either way, it is now a "no" for me. We engage in some ass play, but mostly on the outside and I am too concerned about her health and safety to try to penetrate her. I know how to do it right, I even know a few tricks that I discovered myself, but I also believe that the risks are not worth it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I really wish men knew what it felt like to always be the receiver.

I have been the giver and I understand that high. Making a woman orgasm is incredible.

But to always be the taker, the receiver...it feels a bit like she's only valued for her body ...Especially if the man has complaints like this.


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I really wish men knew what it felt like to always be the receiver.
> 
> I have been the giver and I understand that high. Making a woman orgasm is incredible.
> 
> But to always be the taker, the receiver...it feels a bit like she's only valued for her body ...Especially if the man has complaints like this.


agreed. i can't imagine complaining like that. what a ****head


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> The only thing I can think is .... "How small* ARE *you?"


I'm a decent size. Even got a substantial bend thanks to peyronies.

I'm about the size and shape of a typical banana.

Hey you asked


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

now we are off track...


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

:sleeping:Hi Cleancut. I'm the mod who closed the thread--thanks for coming back and clarifying your position. Hopefully this stays more on topic.

So, elegirl and that_girl have said a lot of what I was thinking in regards to childbirth and body changes. I want to add that this all may be things your wife didn't share with you. I do not remember ever mentioning to my husband all the crazy GI things that were going on unless it affected him as well.

To add my own does of TMI, my lovely pregnancy hemorrhoids have still not gone away and my kid is almost 4. To reiterate, the body goes through crazy ass changes during pregnancy and your wife might not be lying when she says it hurts now when it didn't before. 



> Ladies, what if your husband decided tomorrow that your orgasms were no longer important to him? What if he decided that going to work was no longer suiting him?


Your wife isn't saying your orgasms aren't important to her. You wife is saying painful intercourse isn't worth it to her. But, if my husband actually told me this, the question would be WHY. 

For example, if he developed ED and it became much more difficult for him to concentrate on my orgasm while keeping himself aroused--well I would feel bad but realize that I can still get myself off and would try to work with him to make sex pleasurable for us both still. Even if it was pure ass selfishness, I'd try to look for the motivation to a new behavior that popped up suddenly and weigh the pros and cons before chucking the whole marriage.


We can't answer why your wife stopped. But there is one thing that is pretty clear: it is her body and marriage doesn't mean a contract for whatever sexual things you desire. If you don't' find her reasoning sufficent and you cannot live without it--resentment will also not get what you want and being brutally honest is the best choice at the very least so both parties know what is going on so they may be able to construct their own boundaries and deal with the consequences of them.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

kilgore said:


> how?


By sticking to the topic, not insulting each other and actually dealing with what the OP has said.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Ok.



Cleancut said:


> What I really wanted from this forum was some advice on how to initiate this discussion in a way that doesn't seem threatening to my wife.


I think you figured it out for yourself.

Does she like to drink wine?

Pour yourselves a glass and start with.."Honey I love you very much, and can picture us together for the rest of our natural lives, however, I have some concerns.." 

Then proceed with what you wrote in your first post on this thread:




Cleancut said:


> I DO NOT want her to be doing anything she isn't comfortable with but neither am I willing to live the rest of my life with a woman who has basically reverted to the most vanilla sex imaginable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Well, men talk about it like it's no big deal. Yet, they've never done it. I implore any man who wants his wife to do this, to do it himself first.
> 
> Just because there's a hole, doesn't mean it needs a d in it.


Oh, make no mistake... I agree.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Where did Cleancut go again? :scratchhead:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I've got a hundred bucks on this thread blowing up, getting locked out, and never seeing another post from the OP.


I will see your bet and raise it to $120...how many pages will we see?....I see 20, seeing this is a part two......:rofl:


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Wow! Talk about this going viral! I posted on page two of the original yesterday and it was locked on page eleven today!

Anal - I had a GF years ago who suggested it. I can't say I didnt enjoy it - it was 'different' - but what it did do was bring us closer together because we crossed the last frontier! It didnt become a regular thing, maybe once a month if that. For two reasons; 

1) it was very special 
2) that hole was designed as an exit NOT an entry point

The OP has to accept that as we get older we change. 15 years ago I was an avid scuba diver...now at 50 I think if God meant us to spend hours underwater he would have given us gills!
If he doesnt accept the changes in his wife, leave.

I bought a new (well, second hand but almost new) car a couple of months back.
I had a list of things I wanted....petrol, atleast 3000cc V6, auto, leather, sun roof etc.
I couldn't find the car that ticked all the boxes....I ended up with a car without a sunroof but everything else and I am happy with it.

If the OP's wife ticks most of the boxes.....?

One asks oneself if the OP is the perfect husband/father/lover?


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Married 4 years.
2 children - 3yo & 14 month old.
Sex is happening typically 5 times a week (before marriage this was basically every single night). Frequency improved drastically when she stopped going solo with her vibrator...... but that's an entirely different topic.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

No birth control - I went and had the snip (my choice, no pressure from her).
Apologies for the belated replies, I'm on the other side of the world, time zones prevent me from replying at the times when you people are posting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cleancut said:


> Married 4 years.
> 2 children - 3yo & 14 month old.
> Sex is happening typically 5 times a week (before marriage this was basically every single night). Frequency improved drastically when she stopped going solo with her vibrator...... but that's an entirely different topic.


How long have you been married?

Sex is 5 times a week instead of 7? That sounds reasonable.

Does she work outside the home?

What complaints does she have about you and the marriage?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things, just the two of you?

Why do you think that our wife is lying? Does she lie a lot?


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Unfortunately, it seems to me that sex and money ARE inextricably linked and I'm not suggesting that this is a good or bad thing. Prostitution operates on the basis of payment for service....... 
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? also comes to mind...
If money didn't matter to women (poor generalisation), you'd see a hell of a lot more beautiful women married to unemployed men.
Realistically, whether we like it or not, we all use what we've got to get what we want to some extent. 
Off topic now, sorry.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

To be more clear, I'm not suggesting that I want her to do this "regularly" or whatever. What is concerning me is that I'm currently staring down the barrel of an entire lifetime of NO ANAL whatsoever. It feels like the passing of an era and not one that I really want to partake in.
I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't intend to pay someone for their services and i don;t want to spend the rest of my life yearning either.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

that_girl said:


> And you're a bit weird.
> 
> I like it.
> 
> ...


No, I don't think I "own" her ass, nor should I be required to put things in MY ass because THAT wasn't part of the original deal.

I don't "pout". I haven't even broached the topic with her. THAT is why I'm here - looking for ideas rather than your judgements.

I've bought it up twice in the last twelve months. I'd be surprised if that was too much for your average person.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Firstly, apologies to the moderator if I'm overstepping the rules here. It certainly isn't the intention, I just couldn't access the previous thread - locked.
> 
> Some sound advice was certainly given by some whilst others seemed to launch off on various tangents.
> 
> ...


Well, there you go, since the birth of the last child. Child birth is pretty tremendous, and her body is probably not quite the same today. Did you honestly expect her body to be the same all throughout your marriage. Did you ever hear of menopause? Did you think about how stretched parts of her body are when she goes through child birth? Her body is an amazing wonder that undergoes changes throughout her life. 

My advice:

First change your attitude big time! Get this idea out of your head that she is trying to hurt you, or give you the bait and switch, or that one part of your marriage is a deal breaker. If you don't change your attitude you are going to come across as a selfish child who's sex toy he married is now broken and he wants a new one. That attitude is going to make her shut you down fast.

Next get some understanding. If she say's it hurts, then respect her and acknowledge to yourself that it hurts. That is, believe what she says. Only she can know if it hurts or not.

Finally, find a time where you can talk to her about it, without any sex. Make her feel comfortable in telling you about the pain she experiences and when it started etc. Then let her know how much it means to you and that you would like to try to discuss some possible solutions and see if she is willing to openly talk and explore solutions. Listen to her as much as you can and tell her what you understand. Rephrase what she tells you so she knows you are listening. Keep an open mind and don't think about it being a deal breaker. Definitely do not tell her it is a deal breaker, or that you feel bait and switch. (wow, did I just say the obvious?) Just concentrate on understanding her feeling.

Good luck, and spend some private time changing your attitude first. It may take a few days or a week to get your attitude re-adjusted.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Let's not badmouth a$$ f$%king!
> 
> I've been with 4 women who were into it. 3 had prior experience and freaking loved it. One learned it from me during our time together.
> 
> ...


I've been with PLENTY of women who LOVED it. Like yourself, I found that some even preferred it.

It's good to read some positivity around here.
It seems that some are keen to tell us how much it hurts, but they seem to be forgetting the actual point of the thread which is "wife previously LOVED anal, now not up for it" which is entirely different from "husband wakes up one day and decides wife should start taking it in the pooper, doesn't care for her feelings on the matter"


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> :sleeping:Hi Cleancut. I'm the mod who closed the thread--thanks for coming back and clarifying your position. Hopefully this stays more on topic.
> 
> So, elegirl and that_girl have said a lot of what I was thinking in regards to childbirth and body changes. I want to add that this all may be things your wife didn't share with you. I do not remember ever mentioning to my husband all the crazy GI things that were going on unless it affected him as well.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice!
Yes, she did have hemmorhoids post pregnancy, although they seem to have resolved now.
To be honest, if she had a crystal ball and could say "3 years from now, it'll be back to normal" I wouldn;t have a problem, but right now, it looks like I could reach the age of ED with no change.
I don't want to look back on my life with regret. This is kind of like the HD spouse who sticks around, forever hoping that their partner will cease being LD, only to find that they've wasted the best sexual years of their life on a pipe dream. Instead, they find themselves wasting away in a nursing home, wondering why they wasted the best years they had.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> To be more clear, I'm not suggesting that I want her to do this "regularly" or whatever. What is concerning me is that I'm currently staring down the barrel of an entire *lifetime *of NO ANAL whatsoever. It feels like the passing of an era and not one that I really want to partake in.
> I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't intend to pay someone for their services and i don;t want to spend the rest of my life yearning either.


Really? Lifetime? Gone forever? You don't know that for sure. After you talk to her, then you might have more information.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cleancut said:


> Unfortunately, it seems to me that sex and money ARE inextricably linked and I'm not suggesting that this is a good or bad thing. Prostitution operates on the basis of payment for service.......
> Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? also comes to mind...
> If money didn't matter to women (poor generalisation), you'd see a hell of a lot more beautiful women married to unemployed men.
> Realistically, whether we like it or not, we all use what we've got to get what we want to some extent.
> Off topic now, sorry.


Charming!



Cleancut said:


> To be more clear, I'm not suggesting that I want her to do this "regularly" or whatever. What is concerning me is that I'm currently staring down the barrel of an entire lifetime of NO ANAL whatsoever. It feels like the passing of an era and not one that I really want to partake in.
> I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't intend to pay someone for their services and i don;t want to spend the rest of my life yearning either.


Since you brought it up, am I right in presuming that you are at the very least, considering cheating and possibly paying someone for their services at some point in the future if your wife can't satisfy your yearnings.



Cleancut said:


> No, I don't think I "own" her ass, nor should I be required to put things in MY ass because THAT wasn't part of the original deal.


That's good since she owns it. I also concur that you shouldn't be required to put things in your ass. Likewise she shouldn't be required to put things in her own either. As to the original deal, was it part of her marriage vows that she would offer her rectum for your pleasure as required?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cleancut said:


> This is kind of like the HD spouse who sticks around, forever hoping that their partner will cease being LD, only to find that they've wasted the best sexual years of their life on a pipe dream. Instead, they find themselves wasting away in a nursing home, wondering why they wasted the best years they had.


Perhaps you shouldn't settle, since you might find another woman who will satiate your needs better than your current wife does.

Then your wife could find a partner who feels empathy for her and doesn't have an inflated sense of entitlement.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

fightforher said:


> My advice:
> 
> First change your attitude big time! Get this idea out of your head that she is trying to hurt you, or give you the bait and switch, or that one part of your marriage is a deal breaker. If you don't change your attitude you are going to come across as a selfish child who's sex toy he married is now broken and he wants a new one. That attitude is going to make her shut you down fast.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. Her births were by C section so I'm guessing that she hasn't endured the same type of issues encountered by the vaginal crew - which is not to say that she did it easy!!

I particularly like the broken sex toy analogy - gold! And yes, I am feeling a little childish about all of this but unfortunately, we don't always get to choose the things that make us happy. I honestly wish I didn't care, but I do.

To some extent I guess I'm feeling like I'm the one who's getting the raw deal here. She's continuing to have all of her needs met, even the most ridiculous things imaginable, whilst I find myself getting less and less of everything - which is a part of parenthood I know.

Meanwhile, the ONE most basic need I have goes totally ignored. If we weren't married and with kids I'd be gone already.
This is NOT the stuff of a healthy marriage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cleancut said:


> If we weren't married and with kids I'd be gone already.
> This is NOT the stuff of a healthy marriage.


Sigh!

No it isn't healthy, just wait till you've suffered for a decade and more. Why wait and waste all those years when you deserve better.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Anal sex is not a need on any hierarchy of needs I've ever heard of. It's a want.

If she's had haemorrhoids then there's your answer. I'm surprised you're still going on about it. It didn't use to hurt, now it does. The end.

And no-one here is going to give you much sympathy for only getting sex five times a week.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

So, when do you plan on talking to your wife about all this? 

Tell her exactly what you've posted here so she can realise what a shallow person she married and have the opportunity to be with someone who truly values her as more then a piece of a$$. I'm sorry to break this to you, but no one is going to fulfill your every need for the rest of your life in every aspect that you require. 

Sure you end up leaving her because your craving for buttsex wins out, you find the most amazing butt lover you could've ever dreamed of so you feel completely justified in leaving your incomplete marriage and your children. Then low and behold after the sheen wears off in the new relationship she has so many flaws and faults that you begin to see how great you actually had it with your previous wife who still, after having 2 small children, still continued to have sex with you 5 times a week. Take a look around this forum, you are beyond lucky to have what you've got. She deserves better.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

This is a giant opportunity for you to think beyond the a$$hole.

Use your imagination.

Maybe she can do you up your rear end. 


You can do her in the 1274 different positions available for Vaginal and 346 positions for oral and 8424 positions for other miscellaneous styles.

You just lost the 23 anal positions. Big deal.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> Based on some of the responses, I felt it best to clarify the situation.
> 1. My then girlfriend/future wife was REALLY into anal sex, typically she would be the initiator. This would happen several times per week.


hey guess what? I used to be REALLY into anal sex too before I had a baby and had a bunch of surgeries. Now I'm not into it so much. 


Cleancut said:


> 4. It's since the birth of our last child 14 months ago that this all started. NOTE: We hadn't actually tried anal since the birth befoire she declared it "too painful" eg. How the hell would you know if you're not even trying? Surely a person who "LOVES" something would do their level best to make it a reality??


If you can't even take a normal sized dump without bleeding and tearing then there is no way you can have anal comfortably so that's probably why she says it hurts before she even tries. That's what hemorrhoids do.


Cleancut said:


> 5. No, it's not a case of not being in love with someone, it';s more a case of having a set list of pre-requisites for your future partner. Frankly I see it as being no different from having "non drug user" on your wish list.


Not having anal isn't hazardous to your lifestyle,bank account,children,and health. Drug use is VERY different from anal. the fact that you'd even dare compare the two tells me the type of person we're dealing with here.


Cleancut said:


> Ladies, what if your husband decided tomorrow that your orgasms were no longer important to him? What if he decided that going to work was no longer suiting him?
> 
> I do plenty of things in my life that don't necessarily suit me, but I continue to do them because that's the kind of guy I am. I'm not asking my wife to do something that will hurt her, nor will I force her.


That depends. Is his orgasm causing him to feel a ripping,burning,sharp painful sensation in his delicate parts? Is work causing him physical pain? If yes to either then I'd find a way to accept him not having orgasms and not working. We all do things that aren't our favorite but most likely will quit when it causes serious pain. 


So she was allowing anal sex up til this last child. Obviously she didn't bait and switch on you and it truly is bc she knows she can't take a **** in the ass anymore. Why else would someone cease doing something they have loved doing for years? Add to the fact that she has two young children and you're still having sex five times a week. I just don't see a bait and switch at all.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe you could talk to a counselor and find out why vaginal sex isn't enough for you and to try to figure out why you're obsessed with anal sex.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Maybe you could talk to a counselor and find out why vaginal sex isn't enough for you and to try to figure out why you're obsessed with anal sex.


Having been there, done that, and changed my mind, I have to vote for this.

That is the conclusion that I came up with. It is a mental thing, and I can change my mind..


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> To be more clear, I'm not suggesting that I want her to do this "regularly" or whatever. What is concerning me is that I'm currently staring down the barrel of an entire lifetime of NO ANAL whatsoever. It feels like the passing of an era and not one that I really want to partake in.
> I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't intend to pay someone for their services and i don;t want to spend the rest of my life yearning either.


I guess I have a different way of looking at it. My advise would be to be careful what you wish for. You have choices before you. You can go at this with a this is a deal breaker attitude and eventually it really might be. If you approach this with I never would have married you if this ever became impossible simply is not going to engender a spirit of caring in her.

I think of all of the possible challenges that can transpire in a lifetime relationship. I know a couple whose husband suffered a massive TBI. No sex there ever again. Wife's response was not well I never would have married you if you were going to tax sex off the table.

You can choose to focus on a single sex act or its absence. Or you can choose to look at the sum of your marriage. And within that marriage, even loving conversation about how you would not like this thing to be off the table forever.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OP: 

FWIW, I think you have a lot to learn about marriage--mainly that no two people do it exactly the same and that marriage, (like life) can be full of disappointments and surprises . . . . but never guarantees. 

My suggestion is to continue to stick around TAM. You eventually will come to understand how people's personal experiences color their attitudes and advice, and this will help you better discern between truly good and sustainable relationship advice that will serve you and your marriage in the long-term, and advice that simply makes you feel validated because some random stranger is telling you what you were hoping to hear so that you don't have work hard and consider points of view other than your own. 

TAM is a tool. There is no "grand answer" here or anywhere else to how to do marriage "right". Look to yourself FIRST. Do not expect anyone else to make you happy and the expense of their own happiness. It's not sustainable, for many different reasons.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> Thanks for the advice. Her births were by C section so I'm guessing that she hasn't endured the same type of issues encountered by the vaginal crew - which is not to say that she did it easy!!
> 
> I particularly like the broken sex toy analogy - gold! And yes, I am feeling a little childish about all of this but unfortunately, we don't always get to choose the things that make us happy. I honestly wish I didn't care, but I do.
> 
> ...


I think it is hugely erroneous to assume she's getting all of her needs met. It might be fair to say she gets most of her needs met. Maybe you are implying since she gets an orgasm or help around the house, that is the same as all of her needs. Couples have all kinds of needs, including emotional needs, need for down time, need for couple time... it's very difficult for someone in even the best marriages to always have ALL their needs met. Usually we just prioritize them.

I'm more bothered by your assuming that she doesn't KNOW that it will hurt simply because she hasn't wanted to try it. Even without a vaginal birth, hormone changes cause lots of changes in the body and so does the pressure on organs and pelvic floor from carrying the baby. She may not mention every time her hemorrhoids act up - it's unsexy and some things we women (and men) try to not speak about much to maintain that sexiness. It's like men talking about trimming ear/nose hair - usually they just do it.

It could be that she is experiencing occasional constipation and KNOWS that it would hurt. If she is passing something smaller than your penis and it is painful, it's safe for her to assume that something larger going IN will hurt.

As to it being a deal breaker - if you felt that strongly about it back then, you should have mentioned it. Other posters have given examples of ED or other medical issues that might hinder having the exact same sex life for 50 years that you had for the first 5 - it's unrealistic. Bodies age and bodies change - even those in the best of shape. Your vows were for better or worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer (if using traditional vows). What if she discovered next year she had colon cancer and couldn't ever do it again? Is that really any different than having any other major body change? You are having sex FIVE TIMES A WEEK! Which is a heck of a lot more than most other men with two children under school age. 

Lastly, since she liked the vibrator, have you considered getting a slender one and gradually re-introducing that first? Maybe something smaller could resurrect her desire for anal if you start slow and patiently.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

If it hurts her and I believe that it does because she used to like it but now says it causes her pain, then I think it's selfish to pressure her into it. You're having sex nearly every day with small children under foot. So it sounds to me that you're wife is willing to accommodate your sexual needs and this is not a case of bait and switch. 

intheory offered a good suggestion about reverse cowgirl. Doggy-style should offer the same visuals. If it's the tightness that you crave - you can also get her to give you handjobs using a firmer grip. 

I do think SB's suggestion for counseling is a good one. I would add to that, cut out the anal porn... do something to get over this obsession with it. 

All things considered, your wife sounds like a good one from what you've written about her. You complain that you don't want vanilla sex. I just don't think a lack of anal amounts to vanilla sex. From different positions, to different locations, role-playing, etc. the options are limitless but I suspect none of that would satisfy you. :scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Cleancut said:


> No, I don't think I "own" her ass, nor should I be required to put things in MY ass because THAT wasn't part of the original deal.
> 
> I don't "pout". I haven't even broached the topic with her. THAT is why I'm here - looking for ideas rather than your judgements.
> 
> I've bought it up twice in the last twelve months. I'd be surprised if that was too much for your average person.


What deal? You and she talked about anal sex before marriage? Signed a contract?

If it's good enough for her it's good enough for you. Worried it will hurt or you'll like it too much?

Sounds like you have a good life. I think you'll be ok without anal for a while. She may like it in a few years. Or not. But I think you'll be ok.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Ok - the more I read this thread the more I'm backing off my position. It IS reasonable for people to expect that certain things will continue. The underlying question is about expectations - is it reasonable to expect that the person you dated will keep being that person in marriage? Is it reasonable to have expectations of the institution of marriage? It does seem reasonable - but maybe not practical. I THINK the answer is making your expectations explicit, but sometimes you don't think you should have to. I don't know what the answer is in general. 

In this particular situation, I think CC needs to figure out if this state of affairs is temporary or permanent and if it's permanent, figure out what he's going to do with his disappointment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She says it hurts.

So his expectations don't matter.

I don't read "expectations" in this thread. I read "entitlement". A "deal". lol. As if it was in their vows.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

that_girl said:


> She says it hurts.
> 
> So his expectations don't matter.
> 
> I don't read "expectations" in this thread. I read "entitlement". A "deal". lol. As if it was in their vows.


I hear you - I don't think he thinks if it genuinely hurts that he is entitled to it no matter what. I think he thinks she's not being truthful about it - or wasn't being truthful about it before.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it is totally reasonable for people to expect that certain things will continue. Things happen though,like health issues/body changes. I think a reasonable person understands that. I think reasonable people adjust their expectations over time. BOTH people need to do this. It can't be one sided.
I think it's acceptable to expect the person you dated will not suddenly change into a completely different person at the onset of marriage. But again,a reasonable person will understand over time every one changes in some ways. The core values should still be the same.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then there are bigger issues in their marriage if he thinks she's going to lie about her butthole.

But how would he know how it feels? He's never done it. He doesn't know what is going on inside of hers...those hems from pregnancy are a B!TCH. Amg. Horrible.

I have no sympathy for this poster so I should probably butt out. Of all the things in life that cause great smotional pain and suffering in a relationship--- a deal breaker, if you will, anal sex isn't on my list. (all puns not intended, but did make me giggle)


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Fire tell me how you do the exact same thing for your wife that you did before marriage. Tell how you have not changed your prefences after marriage. Have you changed in any way?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is "fire" above me? I'm a woman. I TOTALLY felt the bait and switch when I got married. My husband just started ignoring me, emotionally and sexually. And I THINK I had a reasonable expectation that he would continue to want to talk / listen to me and have sex with me on a regular basis without me having to say that so I'm completely with you on the fact that men are also the perpetrators of bait and switch. And it feels really unfair. 'Cause when you commit to monogamy you commit to only being intimate emotionally and physically with this one person. 

I don't think the OP feels entitled because he's a man. I think he has a reasonable expectation to get his sexual fulfillment from the one person he committed to being monogamous to and sexual fulfillment for him includes anal. I don't think he believes her - that it hurts now and it didn't before. He thinks she's making an excuse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No one ever answers this question which is telling. How can anyone have an orgasm while their partner is in pain? What state of mind do you need to do that? I'm just curious. How can you think that a women with self-respect and self-protective instincts, do that to herself? Why would she put herself out for a man who is deeply flawed and does not love her. 

It's human nature to resist being backed into a corner and to protest by resisting. I think this woman should D this OP. it will probably be a relief to get him out of her house. She can find a man who loves all of her and not just her azzhole. And he can find a woman to sign a legally binding contract to give him use of her azz in spite of her pain and preferences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I don't think the OP feels entitled because he's a man. I think he has a reasonable expectation to get his sexual fulfillment from the one person he committed to being monogamous to and sexual fulfillment for him includes anal. I don't think he believes her - that it hurts now and it didn't before. He thinks she's making an excuse.


I agree with this.

OP,what has she done to make you doubt her honesty about this? Doesn't it make sense that if she has been doing it for you all these years happily and getting off from it that she would continue doing it if she was physically able?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Then there are bigger issues in their marriage if he thinks she's going to lie about her butthole.
> 
> But how would he know how it feels? He's never done it. He doesn't know what is going on inside of hers...those hems from pregnancy are a B!TCH. Amg. Horrible.
> 
> I have no sympathy for this poster so I should probably butt out. Of all the things in life that cause great smotional pain and suffering in a relationship--- a deal breaker, if you will, anal sex isn't on my list. (all puns not intended, but did make me giggle)


He doesn't know - he needs to really communicate with her better in general to really understand what's going on for her. I don't think it's for me to judge what's a deal breaker for other people so I don't think the fact that it's anal is the point.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> No one ever answers this question which is telling. How can anyone have an orgasm while their partner is in pain? What state of mind do you need to do that? I'm just curious. How can you think that a women with self-respect, self-protective instincts, would do that to herself? Why would she put herself out for a man who is deeply flawed and does not love her. The
> 
> It's human nature to resist being backed into a corner and to protest by resisting. I think this woman should D this OP. it will probably be a relief to get him out of her house. She can find a man who loves all of her and not just her azzhole. And he can find a woman to sign a legally binding contract to give him use of her azz in spite of her pain and preferences.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yah I cannot really get this. One of the things that gets my DH the HOTTEST is not the action or the activity but the fact that I am super into it. The fact that my feelings, my participation, my pleasure are all PARAMOUNT to him was the prime motivation for me wanting to overcome fear and pain for him in this regard. If I said that hurts, there is just no way ever he would accuse me of LYING. If he thinks I LIE to get my own way, why they hell would he be with me? If he thinks my goals and desire are to shut him down and not meet his needs, why they hell would he be with me?

It is very circular. His behavior affects my motivation. My behavior affects his motivation. Some people want a ****ty circle.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this thread is all about an a$$hole.

if you know what I mean!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> He has a choice, he can leave and *find a compatible woman*.


Truth is, he probably can't. Is there really such a thing as a person who will agree that No Matter What, no matter her feelings, her body, their relationship, she shalt have anal forever? No one would. And that he sees the removal of this one thing as such a big deal makes my head spin. Talk about first world problems.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Truth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

firebelly1 said:


> I hear you - I don't think he thinks if it genuinely hurts that he is entitled to it no matter what. I think he thinks she's not being truthful about it - or wasn't being truthful about it before.


The way I read his posts is that he's looking for a way to justify his feelings of entitlement. From what he writes she's a good wife. But he does not want to believe that it hurts because it does not fit what he wants.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yah I cannot really get this. One of the things that gets my DH the HOTTEST is not the action or the activity but the fact that I am super into it. The fact that my feelings, my participation, my pleasure are all PARAMOUNT to him was the prime motivation for me wanting to overcome fear and pain for him in this regard. If I said that hurts, there is just no way ever he would accuse me of LYING. If he thinks I LIE to get my own way, why they hell would he be with me? If he thinks my goals and desire are to shut him down and not meet his needs, why they hell would he be with me?
> 
> It is very circular. His behavior affects my motivation. My behavior affects his motivation. Some people want a ****ty circle.


This.^^^^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Truth is, he probably can't. Is there really such a thing as a person who will agree that No Matter What, no matter her feelings, her body, their relationship, she shalt have anal forever? No one would. And that he sees the removal of this one thing as such a big deal makes my head spin. Talk about first world problems.


Well, if he wanted a guarantee that sex was going to be the same for years and years why didn't he get a sex doll? Buy a few backup ones in case he wears them out. :rofl:


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yah I cannot really get this. One of the things that gets my DH the HOTTEST is not the action or the activity but the fact that I am super into it. The fact that my feelings, my participation, my pleasure are all PARAMOUNT to him was the prime motivation for me wanting to overcome fear and pain for him in this regard. If I said that hurts, there is just no way ever he would accuse me of LYING. If he thinks I LIE to get my own way, why they hell would he be with me? If he thinks my goals and desire are to shut him down and not meet his needs, why they hell would he be with me?
> 
> It is very circular. His behavior affects my motivation. My behavior affects his motivation. Some people want a ****ty circle.


:iagree:

I like the word PARAMOUNT .. describes it well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Unfortunately, it seems to me that sex and money ARE inextricably linked and I'm not suggesting that this is a good or bad thing. Prostitution operates on the basis of payment for service.......
> Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? also comes to mind...
> *If money didn't matter to women (poor generalisation), you'd see a hell of a lot more beautiful women married to unemployed men.*
> Realistically, whether we like it or not, we all use what we've got to get what we want to some extent.
> Off topic now, sorry.


Sex is not a currency unless YOU make it so...



Cleancut said:


> To be more clear, I'm not suggesting that I want her to do this "regularly" or whatever. What is concerning me is that I'm currently staring down the barrel of an *entire lifetime of NO ANAL whatsoever. *It feels like the passing of an era and not one that I really want to partake in.
> I don't want to cheat on my wife, I don't intend to pay someone for their services and i don;t want to spend the rest of my life yearning either.


Give me a moment to wipe my tears of sympathy from my eyes. 

I'd like to talk to your wife. Dear Mrs. cleancut....get out now! It will only get worse. Your kids will adjust and you'll find a man who actually cares about you enough to want what's best for you.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut:

If you don't change your attitude and expectations you will always find some disappointment and be looking back and say "should have ..." This is just a bad way to go through life. 

If you want to see some real stories that make us cry, check out some of the stories that have women that have been missing an orgasm in their marriage for the first 20 years. Now, there is a deprived woman that is sad. But you don't hear about these women dwelling on the regret, all those lost orgasms. They carry on.

AP: Back from vacation .. hope it was a good one.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Sex is not a currency unless YOU make it so...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

fightforher said:


> Cleancut:
> 
> If you don't change your attitude and expectations you will always find some disappointment and be looking back and say "should have ..." This is just a bad way to go through life.
> 
> ...


Damn right they do! And learn to have awesome sex on top of it all! 

Was lovely, thanks for asking.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I think we scared him away. Too bad. It would have been valuable to hear what he had to say after thinking about it. I'm certain he is not a bad husband or man.
> 
> Simply put, he is caught up in an unfortunate position. He craves pleasure that only another person can provide but he can't get that person, his wife, to consent. The OP's problem is that sex is the only human interaction needing 2 people to get the intense pleasure. Our culture requires the consent of both parties.
> 
> ...


I've noticed that autonomy is a very threatening reality for a subset of men who post here. (Might be the same case for a subset of women; I just don't see it played out here in SIM.)

Women are not like men in many ways--emotionally, sexually, we have different needs that result in different behaviors that play out in ways that do not reflect what men are familiar with in themselves. They don't understand us, therefore they cannot predict what we will do or when . . . and this loss of control is frightening, particularly when it comes to sex. 

I see it in the same topics over and over again: women WILL behave in ways that unsettle men because men do not understand it. They do not understand that our sexual selves change with time and with partners and that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with them. They insist on making it about them, however, and then the merry go round ride begins. 

In this case, the OP has decided his wife is being dishonest when she tells him anal sex hurts and that she no longer enjoys it. In other threads, husbands decide that a wife "settled" because the ways she expresses herself sexually with him is somehow subpar to how she expressed herself with a past partner. 

It is these "decisions" that drive the subsequent dynamic. Throw a fit when your wife is honest with you, and she will stop being honest with you. Act like a less desirable partner, and you will be treated like a less desirable partner. 

I scratch my head and wonder why these men don't see that it's a fools game they play to try to pretzel circumstances into some version of reality that their ego can accept. The autonomous individual (woman) WILL win, if you challenge that autonomy. It's self preservation, that's all. 

The tantruming that goes on about sexual contracts and bait and switch and sex as a means of exchange in marriage . . . well, I'm sure its 99% venting and projection, but still. 

Uh oh, I feel it coming on . . . a great big . . . 

*VA-CLANG!*


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> How can you think that a women with self-respect and self-protective instincts, do that to herself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are assuming way too much about other women. Because you would find this lacking self respect and self protection does not mean everyone does.

And for some of the other comments:

I am a female and I very much enjoy receiving this act. I asked my husband if I could try on him and he did agree. He had the whole "it will make me gay attitude." He is entitled to his own feelings. He was indifferent to it (no pain, but also no increased pleasure). I do not get any pleasure out of doing it to him, but in past experiences I find great pleasure from it if the man I am doing this to is enjoying it. Because my husband didn't like it, I don't ask again. I'm cool with that. 

I think folks are being really hard on the OP. This is what I am hearing:

1) she loved it and now says it hurts.

*2) she has not yet had an act with him where it actually hurt. No attempt since last birth and THAT is when she claims it hurts. *

So it appears they need to discuss this further. Is she afraid it may hurt or is it an excuse? 

I can understand why he feels slighted in all of this. They need to talk it out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Don't you mean Bu-Clang?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Don't you mean Bu-Clang?


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Ah me, *wipes eyes*


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Let me understand this.

You have fantastic anal sex with her for a very long time, multiple times a week and she even initiated? Lucky dog

But now after having many beautiful children and getting older, anal sex is not what it used to be and is becoming uncomfortable and even somewhat painful for her.

Solution, no more anal sex until she heals or no more anal sex at all.

You can do so many other things, right? Oiled breast and foot jobs, and great BJ's. You can tie each other to the bed, blind fold and use oils, feathers and waxes. There is reverse cowgirl, 69 with her on top, upside down sex standing up, what ever you can think of, you can do it. Just relax off the anal sex and find other things to do. If it hurts her, don't do it. Simple. This is not a marriage deal breaker. People age and things change but then we can also find new things to do and try......


http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/relationships/galleries/9278/top-20-sex-positions


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Truth is, he probably can't. Is there really such a thing as a person who will agree that No Matter What, no matter her feelings, her body, their relationship, she shalt have anal forever? No one would. And that he sees the removal of this one thing as such a big deal makes my head spin. Talk about first world problems.


He did suggest using prostitutes.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

where_are_we said:


> I think you are assuming way too much about other women. Because you would find this lacking self respect and self protection does not mean everyone does.
> 
> And for some of the other comments:
> 
> ...


If your husband decided he did not like giving you anal anymore, what would you do? He developed a fear of getting a urinary infection although he never had one before. What then? What in the post by the OP makes you think his wife is a lier? Encouraging him to think the worse of his wife does not help him. 

This is not about anal sex, its about proper regard of his wife's feelings and his ability to negotiate through difficult situations in their relationship. It's about a man's ability to control himself and to come up with a viable plan. 

That shows he can take care of his family in a crisis. Calling his wife a lier and losing control of his faculties is not reassuring for a woman who has small children and is not sexually attractive. 

If he assumed she was telling the truth he would take a completely different approach to this. What does he get out of calling her a lier? What do the poster agreeing with him that she is a lier suggest he do, call her out? A little emotional intelligence is in order. 

Nothing will be lost if he assumed the best about the woman he loves and showed sympathy for her fear and validated it. He would not have a problem helping her through. He would realize that she is probably afraid that he will try to stick his junk in and pond away. He would reassure that he had no intention of doing that. If she had surgery after delivery, and had a painful recovery then it's a legitimate concern.

After showing her that he cares more about her than her azz, he could say that he intends to start slowly with gentle message of her butt hole then a pinky and so on. Let her control when to ramp up. If it does not work then he can decide if he wants to take the nuclear option. 

But he can take pride that he acted with sympathy and control which is what he wanted from his wife. So he wins. He will have no problem finding a woman who finds a mature man in control of himself attractive. 

I'll bet if his wife felt safe, she would be willing to try. She is not safe with an angry childish man who is unable to take charge of a difficult situation.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

intheory said:


> CleanCut
> 
> It makes sense that if your wife enjoyed this so much before; why would she not want it now? Very simple; it hurts now. (see the above boldfaced statements).
> 
> ...


Yeah, cut it out. If it's killing her literally, just focus on the vaginal sex. I have had anal but it lost it's luster due to all the prep and I actually prefer the texture and sensation and self lubing and self cleaning vagina anyway.

Cut it out.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> I think you are assuming way too much about other women. Because you would find this lacking self respect and self protection does not mean everyone does.
> 
> And for some of the other comments:
> 
> ...


It could be that she is having a hard time pooping as some others have mentioned. My H saw me birth 2 kids and I still refused to talk about constipation and hemorrhoids with him because I would like to keep some part of our relationship...well not so gross.

It could be that she KNOWS it will hurt her because having something come OUT is hurting. But since the OP thinks she is lying, she should do it anyway. 

Look if she really loved it before, and isn't doing it now, I bet she is really hurt. 

And you're having sex 5 times a week. Seriously? You're going to stomp your feet and throw a fit because anal isn't on the plate anymore? Your wife is better off if that is how you feel about her...just a piece of @$$...literally.

Stop being butt hurt about it (like what I'm doing there?) and talk to her. If she says she is hurt, then you are going to have to deal with it. Either divorce her, or find other ways to throw @$$ play in your sexual relationship. Seems to me like she is still trying to hold up her end as much as possible.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> If your husband decided he did not like giving you anal anymore, what would you do? He developed a fear of getting a urinary infection although he never had one before. What then?


There are ways to avoid that, so that would be an excuse to another reason. I would get to the bottom of the real reason. I would never force someone to do something that causes pain or anguish. It would not be a deal breaker. In fact, I have been in this situation with other acts. Some hard lessons learned that this board helped me through. 

But this is not about me or you. This is about the OP. 

My entire point is that people are making all kinds of assumptions without knowing the facts. She can't say it hurts if she has not actually experienced a painful encounter. Like, you cannot say you don't like a food if you don't actually try it.
Not the best analogy...I know.

She has a reason, and she is entitled to that reason. She should share it with him in full detail. Even if it is, "I don't want to poo my pants...or whatever." If it truly causes her pain or anguish, then I do agree he must respect that.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I just couldn't imagine disliking my H over ONE sexual act out of what? like a million? I don't see myself being so disappointed that I thought about leaving him.

Is it an obsessive problem? Is it the only way you can get off? If so, you should see individual counseling in order to figure out why you cannot enjoy other sex acts just as much. I get being disappointed a little bit...at first...awe damn...you know? But to be really upset about it is a little much.

Now, if she took sex off the table completely, I would understand this level of frustration.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I can't believe someone would give up seeing their children every day for anal sex.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> There are ways to avoid that, so that would be an excuse to another reason. I would get to the bottom of the real reason. I would never force someone to do something that causes pain or anguish. It would not be a deal breaker. In fact, I have been in this situation with other acts. Some hard lessons learned that this board helped me through.
> 
> But this is not about me or you. This is about the OP.
> 
> ...


It is possible she "tested the waters" after child birth by using her finger or something and discovered it was still too sore to proceed any further. So, she might not have tried it with him, but she knows what it will feel like. Again, talking to her about the pain issue and getting to the bottom of it is what he needs to do. Listen to what she has to say.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I can't believe someone would give up seeing their children every day for anal sex.


This would be about as stupid as requiring somebody to get down to their pre-pregnancy weight two months after child birth or they are going to leave them and their child over a pound.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

where_are_we said:


> There are ways to avoid that, so that would be an excuse to another reason. I would get to the bottom of the real reason. I would never force someone to do something that causes pain or anguish. It would not be a deal breaker. In fact, I have been in this situation with other acts. Some hard lessons learned that this board helped me through.
> 
> But this is not about me or you. This is about the OP.
> 
> ...


Look over what you wrote an tell me who is making assumptions. You advocate getting to the bottom of things if you were faced with a spouse who developed a concern but you think that the OP should assume his wife is being deceptive and go with that.. 

This is about me or there would be no reason to respond to the OP. I don't have a frame of reference outside of myself. My advice is about me or a better way of saying it is that it's about what I learned and that all I have to share with the OP. 

You can't find this stuff in books, you have to live it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

where_are_we said:


> There are ways to avoid that, so that would be an excuse to another reason. I would get to the bottom of the real reason. I would never force someone to do something that causes pain or anguish. It would not be a deal breaker. In fact, I have been in this situation with other acts. Some hard lessons learned that this board helped me through.
> 
> But this is not about me or you. This is about the OP.
> 
> ...


She told him exactly what the problem is. It hurts. There are many ways that a person can know that anal sex will be painful without actually doing it again. When bowel movements hurt, when there are cramps, hemorrhoids, bleeding.. a person knows when things are painful.

What exactly do you think she has to do? Go get a doctors certificate that she has pain? 




where_are_we said:


> If it truly causes her pain or anguish, then I do agree he must respect that.


The assumption that he has ownership of her body to the point that she has to prove something that cannot be proven is astounding.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Look over what you wrote an tell me who is making assumptions. You advocate getting to the bottom of things if you were faced with a spouse who developed a concern but you think that the OP should assume his wife is being deceptive and go with that..
> 
> .


 I never said that he should assume she is being deceitful. I am saying exactly the opposite. He needs to find out WHY she believes it is painful OR is it an excuse. He does not have this information. Others are raising valid concerns (assumptions) about why she is saying it hurts or will hurt. 

When I say folks are making assumptions I do not mean that in a negative way towards any of the other posters and I apologize if my writing style portrayed that. They are all good reasons to not want to engage in that activity and I also strongly agree the reason should be respected. My point is he needs to hear the reason why from her not from a bunch of a strangers on a sex forum. The only opinion that counts is hers.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She told him exactly what the problem is. It hurts. There are many ways that a person can know that anal sex will be painful without actually doing it again. When bowel movements hurt, when there are cramps, hemorrhoids, bleeding.. a person knows when things are painful.
> 
> What exactly do you think she has to do? Go get a doctors certificate that she has pain?
> 
> ...


 Some folks here do not realize that I totally agree with everything you are saying. You have taken one of my statements and totally blown it out of proportion.

So one last try, then I am done commenting on this thread....

She said, "No it hurts." yet he has not had any contact with her where she said it was painful. (this is the statement that some people decided not to read in all of the OPs comments about this whole issue and it changes the dynamic completely.) 

He is supposed to infer WHAT from that?

If she says something like: "It hurts to poo, my butt is bleeding, etc. So I can't have you in there anymore..."

End of story. That is more clear. She is expecting him to read her mind.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

"I don't want to have anal sex because it hurts," is ALL anyone should have to say to a spouse. 

The ONLY acceptable response to that statement is "Okay then, we won't do it babe." 

End o' story.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

where_are_we said:


> Some folks here do not realize that I totally agree with everything you are saying. You have taken one of my statements and totally blown it out of proportion.
> 
> So one last try, then I am done commenting on this thread....
> 
> ...


:lol: So many people are embarrassed to talk about their poo with their spouse. 

If she is hurting from booty issues, she may be embarrassed. Given the words from the OP, she is probably at a point where she realizes even if she went into graphic detail about what's going on back there, he would still try to say she was lying. 

Again I will say, if she LOVED it before and has since stopped (especially after having another child) then odds are she is in fact in PAIN. Don't forget that she has also apparently given up a sex act that she enjoyed very much. So, she is missing out on some of that fun too...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

This is about insecurity and trust. Cleancut thinks his wife decided she doesn't want to do anal for whatever reason and tells him that it hurts.

He said as much in the opening comment not realizing what he was saying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

where_are_we said:


> Some folks here do not realize that I totally agree with everything you are saying. You have taken one of my statements and totally blown it out of proportion.
> 
> So one last try, then I am done commenting on this thread....
> 
> ...


Of course we all read it. 

He is supposed to take her word for it that she knows that it will hurt her. 



where_are_we said:


> If she says something like: "It hurts to poo, my butt is bleeding, etc. So I can't have you in there anymore..."
> 
> End of story. That is more clear. She is expecting him to read her mind.


I think that what she said is crystal clear.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut:

When she told you it hurt, your first response should have been to ask when did it start to hurt, and if it hurts when she goes to the bathroom and if she thinks she has an infection or some other issues. You should have asked if there was anything you could do. You should have showed genuine concern over the fact that she might have a health issue that is embarrassing to talk about. What if she has an infection that needs to be treated? You should have (and still can) express your desire to care for her as a person and want her to feel good, not pain.

But instead you immediately thought about yourself being sentenced to a sex life you would regret forever. And you immediately thought about "getting out."

Shame on you. Now go back to her and show some concern and find out more about the hurt without these thoughts of your sex life being doomed.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Maybe you could talk to a counselor and find out why vaginal sex isn't enough for you and to try to figure out why you're obsessed with anal sex.


Obsessed might be too strong a word.
Is a woman obsessed with oral if she craves it and feels miffed if she's never ever, going to receive it again?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> Obsessed might be too strong a word.
> Is a woman obsessed with oral if she craves it and feels miffed if she's never ever, going to receive it again?


Oh I'm sorry,maybe I misunderstood.You seemed a lot more than miffed.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Obsessed might be too strong a word.
> Is a woman obsessed with oral if she craves it and feels miffed if she's never ever, going to receive it again?


You are getting responses largely from women it seems. I don't know if other women feel the way I do. But it is challenging to understand craving a single act. I like Thai food. Rather a lot. And sometimes I would just really like some red curry. But in the big life scheme, if I could never have red curry again, yah I suppose that would be a drag, but does not have to affect my life unless I let it.

I guess the over arching take away from me, and I think from some others, is take a look at your life. Your whole life and relationship. You have choices. Do you REALLY want to define your life and your happiness based on red curry? Or can the vast array of delectable choices available capable of satisfying? 

The one funniest and most ironic thing about this is that taking a bigger life attitude and being capable of being happy and satisfied with what you have contains the single most likeliest thing you can do to put red curry back on the menu. As the kids grow, her body heals, her faith, trust and love in you grows, a finger here, a little toy there... Your whole life cannot be defined in the today. Just as circumstance took red curry off, you cannot look into forever and see that it will stay off. But, ironically, accepting that because you love your wife, it may well be, is the first step.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Obsessed might be too strong a word.
> Is a woman obsessed with oral if she craves it and feels miffed if she's never ever, going to receive it again?


That's a little ridiculous considering a large percentage of women can *only* orgasm from clitoral stimulation. During sex, this typically includes oral or hand stimulation. Some women are physically LIMITED in the way they can orgasm. 

Very few men have the same issue. 

So yes, a woman may feel miffed if she doesn't receive oral in her relationship IF it's the only way she can physically orgasm, though many of us can take it or leave it. No problem.

You can orgasm other ways. Unless you aren't telling us something.

So, I think Obsessive is a decent word to use here. You are considering ending your relationship and being a part-time daddy over anal, even though your wife keeps up with sex 5 times a week. You also don't care if she is telling you the truth about her pain. You would rather her do it anyway. That shows you don't really care for her - just for what her booty can provide for you.

I would say you are obsessed with anal, but I am not a medical professional. That's why you would talk to one...just to be sure. It couldn't hurt right?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cleancut said:


> Obsessed might be too strong a word.
> Is a woman obsessed with oral if she craves it and feels miffed if she's never ever, going to receive it again?


Have you given any thought to an effective way of handling this? There has been some good advice. Some critical but you can take it I'm sure. There are some nuggets hidden in there too. 

Have you expressed any concern for her pain? Investigated if she is in pain or discomfort in the area now? Maybe that is what you should do. 

Press the reset button and rethink this. You have a woman that you have been with for years. I assume she loves you and you lobe her. She tells you that she thinks anal sex will hurt and she does not want to do it. 

You go into a meltdown. I assume you did not explored if she was having pain in the area. Does not sound like you considered that she may think that you were just going to have anal sex like you were doing it for months. 

You did not think to reassure her that you knew that you needed to start slow. You got angry, thought of what you were not getting and backed her into a conner. 

Care to start over? Can't hurt. Ask her about any pain she might be having. Take the focus off of yourself. In any relationship you have to give as much as you get. If your focus is on yourself, your wives focus will be on herself too. If you can't put her concerns on you radar, she'll do the same.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut, 

I think (and it would seem many posters) think you are going overboard here on this one. You are thinking about leaving your wife and child over this? This is a deal breaker for you? Really?

What would you tell your child when he/she asks why you left mommy? Would you tell them the truth? That you left mommy because she hurt after you were born, and the hurt took away *one *of your sexual pleasures? So you *ran away like a child* to seek pleasure elsewhere?

Do you want to teach your child that if the one you love is changes in any way it is time to leave and find another one?


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Have you given any thought to an effective way of handling this? There has been some good advice. Some critical but you can take it I'm sure. There are some nuggets hidden in there too.
> 
> Have you expressed any concern for her pain? Investigated if she is in pain or discomfort in the area now? Maybe that is what you should do.
> 
> ...


Definitely some nuggets in amongst all of this, although I am surprised at how many people lost the plot and began with the judging. I wish I had time to reply to them all, but unfortunately I'm flat out providing for this family. Hence, this reply will address some of the other replies also. Apologies for any confusion that may bring.
Yes, I did express concern for her newfound (to me) condition. 
No, I HAVE NOT "demanded" anything from her - as some have suggested, nor am I genuinely interested in seeking an affair or other activities - I'm a married man.
If I was completely uncaring my thread would read "demanded ass sex from wife, no go, what gives?"
My wife has been known to lie in the past. Our sexual frequency hit rock bottom (for us) nearly twelve months ago (about six months after last pregnancy). I kept getting the "too tired" excuse despite the fact that both children were sleeping through the night for quite some time. 
At that point I did some investigation and found that my wife was using her vibrator nearly every single day. I queried her on this and she swore she hadn't used it in quite some time. I knew for a fact she'd used it that very day.
Needless to say, my opinion of her moral standards dropped a little at that point. I decided at that point to allow her a little slack but made it VERY clear that honesty is absolutely crucial to a strong relationship and a " not negotiable" to me personally. 
I thought it best to continue monitoring her vibrator use as a means of showing her what her actions were doing to our marriage eg. Decreasing frequency of intimacy.
Again, with absolute knowledge of her actions and records (a diary) to show the cause and effect, I queried her. Again, she denied any "solo action" (despite having done it that very day AGAIN and pretty much every day preceding it). The diary I presented her showed a distinct correlation between her solo time and no sex for us. I was furious at this point, but didn't show her the true nature of my disgust toward her. Instead, I tried to explain, rationally, the impact of her actions. I acknowledged that masturbation is healthy but went on to point out that it's unhealthy to the marriage IF the LD partner ( her ) is doing it to the detriment of the relationship. She seemed to grasp the concept but insisted that I was paranoid - her exact word.
I decided to seek the help of a psychologist, to help me make sense of all of this, I also did some research of my own.
It quickly became apparent that the psychologist was of no value but it did seem likely that I might have ADHD. ....true story!
Went to a psychiatrist, he confirmed this but wouldn't offer medication until he'd seen my wife. Wife tells psychiatrist I'm " paranoid", I know exactly what she's referring to and think. "**** you!"
I grab a voice recorder on the way home from the psychiatrists office and set it up , knowing I'm heading out for a few hours that night.
Bang, she's on the vibe within half an hour of getting the kids off to sleep, then vacuums the floors. I get home, not late , she's too tired.
Second night, I'm out again for an hour and a half (mate just got back from 12 moths overseas), four times in an hour and a half. We have vanilla sex that night .
Third night, already have the ABSOLUTE proof I need to show her I'm not " paranoid " and intend to show her the evidence. It's near bedtime, she mentions that her hair straightener isn't working properly . I'm an electrician. I go and fix it for her. I decide that I might go to the courtyard of our bedroom. (Large glass tinted windows) only to find her using the vibrator yet again!!!
Needless to say, I wasn't impressed . But again, I suppressed my disgust, and discussed the situation rationally. 
Eventually I told her that I shouldn't be the only one having a ****ty sex life as I threw the vibrator out and made it absolutely clear that if I EVER find out she's using one again, we are DONE!!!
Obviously I over reacted but she DID finally understand my point. That is when things returned to more or less normal. However, I'm still not getting exactly what I signed up for here and I've been repeatedly lied to. 
Why should I trust her now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

When I began choosing my vibrator over my exhusband it was because I couldn't stand to be touched by him bc he made me feel used. 

It isn't right for her to choose her vibrator over you even though masturbation is normal and healthy. It shouldn't take away from your sex life. Maybe she wants less of a production about sex? Maybe she just wants to get off and move on with her day? 

The lying is NOT ok. She needs to be honest no matter what.

Also,why are you trickle truthing us? How do you expect to get well rounded non-judgmental replies if you just give us little tidbits of info at a time? First the only issue is she won't do anal sex anymore. Then we find out you have two young children and she did anal until the last kid was born. Now we find out she has issues with lying and her vibrator. I mean really man, if you want sound advice you have to stop with the trickle truth..."oh and then she did THIS to me!!"


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Also,why are you trickle truthing us? How do you expect to get well rounded non-judgmental replies if you just give us little tidbits of info at a time?


Truth.... but then we see it all the time here, don't we?

Still, it is frustrating.

Cleancut, we get why you would be upset about the lying. And maybe we can better understand why you think that she is lying about feeling pain.

Honest communication is the most important thing in a marriage. But many mature, and emotionally rational adults do not know how to have an open and honest conversation within a marriage. It does not come natural... I know there are resources that can help you this - I just can't think of one to recommend right now. Anyone?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

What a sad story. She must feel like she is in a court of law with all this talk of evidence. Yah lying is not ok. But if I were in your shoes, I would also be asking myself WHY she prefers her vibe to you. And WHY she needs to lie. You are DISGUSTED with her? You are suppressing. I guarantee she feels it.

You need to leave her. The two of you are a mess.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Nope. Not cool to lie. Not cool to masturbate to the detriment of your couple time. And I can see why you might not believe her when she says anal hurts. 

Unfortunately, if I were your wife, you reacting the way you did would really make me not want to have sex with you. The only way this is going to work out is if she somehow becomes willing to tell you the truth. Only thing you can do about that is make it emotionally safe for her to do so - i.e. reacting in a calm, non-judgmental way. (Which is not necessarily the same thing as "rational.")


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Nope. Not cool to lie. Not cool to masturbate to the detriment of your couple time. And I can see why you might not believe her when she says anal hurts.
> 
> Unfortunately, if I were your wife, you reacting the way you did would really make me not want to have sex with you. The only way this is going to work out is if she somehow becomes willing to tell you the truth. Only thing you can do about that is make it emotionally safe for her to do so - i.e. reacting in a calm, non-judgmental way. (Which is not necessarily the same thing as "rational.")


QFT


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is so completely different from what your original post conveyed. No you are not a selfish jerk. Something is wrong and you don't know what it is. I'll ask the standard question, is there any possibility of an OM or some man she is attracted to or some fantasy she is pursuing? 

You need to do more investigating to get to the bottom of all of this. Can you cool it with your wife for a time and not revealing that you are info gathering? Not just vibrator use but who does she communicate with, are they marriage positive? Does she seem to enjoy sex when you have it; does she orgasm. Sometimes childbirth changes things and the old techniques stop working, has that happened do you think. 

The psychologist sounds incompetent. You have to be careful about who you choose. Interview some MC and see which one seems to fit you and your wife. At any rate, your wife does not seem to realize how serious this is. Nothing you say will convince her of that. What you do will convince her. 

You should let your wife know how serious this is and that she might lose her marriage if she is not willing to work with you to a satisfactory end. Give her concrete things you would like to work on. Try to be calm.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> I threw the vibrator out and made it absolutely clear that if I EVER find out she's using one again, we are DONE!!!


That will completely endear her towards you and ensure a satisfactory sex life for both of you for years to come. 

Seriously do you think you can force her to want to be intimate with you?

She's just not into it. Tossing her vibrator in the garbage is the act of a controlling a$$. It won't solve anything and will create many more problems for the two of you.

Buy her another one. Preferrably an upgrade model with more speeds and features. Maybe she'll let you use it on her while you're banging her.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that someone who masturbates once or multiple times a day is LD.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think that someone who masturbates once or multiple times a day is LD.


And they have sex 5 times a week on top of that. So, no, she's not LD. 

He's upset that she doesn't want anal because it hurts. He calls their sex life vanilla (because anal is no longer an option). And he's also upset that she used to use a vibrator and lied about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The trickle truth has completely changed the entire frame of this "story" and I for one no longer believe any of this.

Cleancut jumps all over the place to rationalize his sense of entitlement, his injured ego, and his faultless blameless victim hood. 

His wife refuses anal. She used to like it but now she says it hurst. "She lies."

His wife if LD, yet they have sex 5 times a week and she masturbates almost daily. "She lies."

He secretly records her masturbation sessions to prove that she masturbates. "She lies."

He spent time in therapy to deal with his wife not wanting as much sex and not wanting anal. Yet he was diagnosed with ADHD. "She lies."

Cleancut, you need to get back into therapy and start being honest with yourself.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Cleancut said:


> ...nor am I genuinely interested in seeking an affair or other activities - I'm a married man...
> 
> ...I was furious at this point, but didn't show her the true nature of my disgust toward her...


I find this compelling. You're trying to take some high ground as a "married man," but then state your "disgust" with your wife? My marriage has had rocky times, and my wife has flaws, and we've had fights, big and little....and I still can't imagine saying I was "disgusted" with her. I hate to be picky, but the nuances of language are what they are, and that is an awfully ugly word.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe she uses the vibrator because you're always on her about her sexuality.

Dang. I'd want some quiet. I mean, so the woman masturbates. We do that too.

And 6 months after a baby is born is still a legitimate time to "be tired" at night. Using a vibrator or your own hand is simple and quick. Easy and good. Maybe she was too tired to be effed and naked and all of that, especially if you started late in the evening (like so many people seem to do).


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Wow, more story. Sounds like you have some other major issues in your marriage. Your sex life is the "effect" and the "cause" is elsewhere.

You should have tried to talk to her about why she prefers the vibrator over you. For this answer you will have to look to something besides sex. That is, the problem is probably something deeper in your marriage outside of the bedroom. I have no clue to what it is, but from the way you post on this thread I would expect that would come out in a few more days. Do you know what the other issues are? 

You use the word "disgust", well I wonder what word she uses for you - especially since you threw out her vibrator. You investigated her as if she was cheating, with a vibrator. For you to even think of checking up on her like this is revealing that you two have serious problems - outside of just sex. But your earlier post makes it sound like sex is the only problem. I seriously think that there are other issues now. 

As others have posted, the reason for using the vibrator over you is probably because she was not feeling loving toward you. You called her on it, she understood it was changing your sex life. So if she was just "addicted" to the vibrator she would have valued your input and desire and chosen to limit the vibrator use to save your marriage. But she did not. Thus she did not care that it was affecting your sex life. She must have seen that turning off the vibrator was not going to fix her marriage, and that using the vibrator was going to give her pleasure. Thus I have to conclude that she was not feeling especially loving and caring toward you. She probably knows there are other issues that need to be addressed as well.

She does not sound LD at all. You are probably not going to convince anybody here that her sexual activity is that of a LD person.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just LD with him. Probably because he turns her off.

I mean, when I was not sleeping with my husband, while we were going through all our crap, it was because he wasn't sexy to me. I would rather get myself off knowing I respect myself, than let him touch me.

Even now the sex is touch and go. (not literally lol!) because I know I need to feel emotionally secure to have sex and refuse to have more empty sex.

I am not LD. Hardly. Just LD with him right now.

SO with the OP, we don't know all the other stuff that goes on. The other issues. But I am sure, if he whines this much about no anal, there are other issues that have pushed them apart.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Yes, she has selective LD, especially in the rear. :lol:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, truth!

Just because someone is HD doesn't mean they lack self-respect and will just have sex to have sex.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> When I began choosing my vibrator over my exhusband it was because I couldn't stand to be touched by him bc he made me feel used.
> 
> It isn't right for her to choose her vibrator over you even though masturbation is normal and healthy. It shouldn't take away from your sex life. Maybe she wants less of a production about sex? Maybe she just wants to get off and move on with her day?
> 
> ...


Apologies Scarlet, I certainly wasn't aiming to do the "trickle truth". The reality is, i thought the originazl post would be enough info to get some helpful advice. I also felt that the other info would make for far too lengthy a post - thinking most wouldn't bother reading it.
Once the judgements commenced, I then had to do the back story to get some of the haters off my back AND to allow those with good advice a better opportunity to respond.
Thanks
Yes, it seems that she really isn't interested in lengthy sessions.
She sees sex as something that she she needs to get done in her day. She enjoys it for sure, but once she's orgasmed, she has no desire for more. Efficient springs to mind.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> This is so completely different from what your original post conveyed. No you are not a selfish jerk. Something is wrong and you don't know what it is. I'll ask the standard question, is there any possibility of an OM or some man she is attracted to or some fantasy she is pursuing?
> 
> You need to do more investigating to get to the bottom of all of this. Can you cool it with your wife for a time and not revealing that you are info gathering? Not just vibrator use but who does she communicate with, are they marriage positive? Does she seem to enjoy sex when you have it; does she orgasm. Sometimes childbirth changes things and the old techniques stop working, has that happened do you think.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice Catherine. 
No, definitely no OM. Absolutely not.
I asked her about fantasies, she says she has none. I don't find this surprising given her general attitude toward sex. We never do it spontaneously, she never wears lingerie or anything like that and she has never been that kind of girl. She's a night time only, in the bed, kind of gal.
This is probably half the reason I'm so bored with the "variety" (there is none anymore).
She runs to a script. oral to get me hard, followed by vaginal sex in one of her standard four positions.
Vanilla I say.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

lenzi said:


> That will completely endear her towards you and ensure a satisfactory sex life for both of you for years to come.
> 
> Seriously do you think you can force her to want to be intimate with you?
> 
> ...


Funny you should mention that.
I changed jobs a few months ago and this meant that I would be spending 3 weeks away from home (home for weekends). I thought it would be a good idea to get her a new vibe that she can use while I'm away. Seemed like a good idea to me.
Turns out she used it every single night that I was away - which in and of itself doesn't bother me in the least.
What I DO find offensive about this though is that I don't get used five nights in a row for three consecutive weeks.
I just don't get it. I only masturbate because she isn't offering enough sex. It seems that she isn't offering enough sex because she's so keen on masturbating...........
So, I make sure she doesn't have access to it while I'm home. Sounds controlling, I know, but left to her own devices she'll be back on the damn thing at every opportunity and we'll be back to once every 4 or 5 days again!!!
It's almost as if she's compulsive with it.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> And they have sex 5 times a week on top of that. So, no, she's not LD.
> 
> He's upset that she doesn't want anal because it hurts. He calls their sex life vanilla (because anal is no longer an option). And he's also upset that she used to use a vibrator and lied about it.


Sorry, what I meant by LD was LOWER desire. I could do it morning noon and twice at night if she wanted it. 5 days a week, to me, is only just getting her over the line.
I know, some will say I have nothing to complain about but when you find yourself having to masturbate frequently because your wife is always too tired only to find out that she's masturbating regularly too, is quite retarded.
I have no drama with her going solo periodically. I'd think that to be healthy.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> The trickle truth has completely changed the entire frame of this "story" and I for one no longer believe any of this.
> 
> Cleancut jumps all over the place to rationalize his sense of entitlement, his injured ego, and his faultless blameless victim hood.
> 
> ...


I think I need to correct you here Anon.
There was never any discussion with my wife about the clack of anal until very recently.
This all began with the issue of sexual frequency. 6 months post birth and we were averaging once every four days. She wasn;t breastfeeding (never has) and both children delivered by C section. Both parents getting plenty of sleep.
She told me that she only needed it every few days - this is not what she was like prior to pregnancies.
I told her I'd prefer it to be every night, although I could easily do more. She suggested I was a sex crazed maniac.
THAT is when I went off on my mission to work out why my wife wasn't as interested as before.
THAT is when i found out that my wife was jut as "sex crazed" as me, except she preferred to do it alone.
THEN she lied to me. REPEATEDLY.
Vibrator removed from equation, frequency improves.
Then i have the discussion regarding lack of anal.
She declares that it hurts. I can't work out how she would know this, given that we haven't even tried.
Given her history of lying, I'm a little sceptical.
On top of all of this, her mother has some very unhealthy attitudes toward sex. Her parents haven't had sex in at least twenty years. I'm NOT kidding.
I beleive her mother may have HSDD or some other mental health issue (OCD??) not sure.
My research on HSDD shows that there is a genetic component, and that parental attitudes can also have an influence.
So, if we do a rewind in time we quickly find that the girl I married used to love anal, swallowed frequently, wanted sex every night and wouldn't let me out of bed on a Sunday morning til she'd had her way with me.
Nowadays, I get sex most nights of the week, no anal and BJ's exist purely as a means of getting me hard and i know that my wife is capable of lying to me.
Please forgive my paranoia.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Definitely some nuggets in amongst all of this, although I am surprised at how many people lost the plot and began with the judging. I wish I had time to reply to them all, but unfortunately I'm flat out providing for this family. Hence, this reply will address some of the other replies also. Apologies for any confusion that may bring.
> Yes, I did express concern for her newfound (to me) condition.
> No, I HAVE NOT "demanded" anything from her - as some have suggested, nor am I genuinely interested in seeking an affair or other activities - I'm a married man.
> If I was completely uncaring my thread would read "demanded ass sex from wife, no go, what gives?"
> ...


This reads like a TAM "Best Of." 

Dude, if I were your wife, I'd lie to you, too.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

changedbeliefs said:


> I find this compelling. You're trying to take some high ground as a "married man," but then state your "disgust" with your wife? My marriage has had rocky times, and my wife has flaws, and we've had fights, big and little....and I still can't imagine saying I was "disgusted" with her. I hate to be picky, but the nuances of language are what they are, and that is an awfully ugly word.


Absolutely. I was quite literally disgusted in her. I was absolutely shattered. I found myself wondering what kind of woman I'd married. She made me sick to the pit of my stomach.
Then i found out she'd been stealing stuff from the supermarket....
NOT COOL. A liar AND a thief.
I made my feelings abundantly clear on this and the stealing stopped. But I'm still left with that feeling that there is a morality issue going on there.
I'm not a religious or spiritual man, I believe that our moral code comes from within eg. threat of punishment shouldn't be required to motivate you to do good things. It really messed up my perception of my wife.
Very unhealthy.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Absolutely. I was quite literally disgusted in her. I was absolutely shattered. I found myself wondering what kind of woman I'd married. She made me sick to the pit of my stomach.
> *Then i found out she'd been stealing stuff from the supermarket....*
> 
> Woops. That would not give me warm fuzzies either. Weird that these things come out in a trickle. And all you care about is lack of anal?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> Funny you should mention that.
> I changed jobs a few months ago and this meant that I would be spending 3 weeks away from home (home for weekends). I thought it would be a good idea to get her a new vibe that she can use while I'm away. Seemed like a good idea to me.
> Turns out she used it every single night that I was away - which in and of itself doesn't bother me in the least.
> What I DO find offensive about this though is that I don't get used five nights in a row for three consecutive weeks.
> ...


Controlling to the max. First off, getting one self off is a different sort of thing than with a partner. When one pleasures oneself there is a lot of control, it can be quick and easy. With a partner there is a different set of emotions going on, coupling with somebody else, felling the connection and yes, working on getting getting your needs met with body parts that are not yours and you can't just move to the right spot easily. So just because she can't sustain the frequency with you as with a vibrator is not a fair comparison. Do not try to compete with a vibrator 

Second off, you come home and hide the vibrator. You are treating you wife like a pet, a dog. Oh this burns me up. What the heck are you doing controlling her sexuality so much that you control when she gets it and when she does not. You are treating her worse than a sex object, you are treating her as a pet, depriving her so you can get your needs met.

So you control her, and she controls you. Is not that what you were originally complaining about? You were controlled so you could not get anal? And you threw a fit. But you took away her toy to control her.

Lets start a collection her on TAM and send your wife a case of vibrators. :rofl:


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Wait she steals too?! Whhaaaaaatttt? No way! 

Seriously, I just read that you masturbate a lot because she doesn't have sex with you enough (5 days a week isn't enough....)

She can't masturbate though right? You don't like that.

You call it vanilla when you're getting a BJ and sex in a few positions (I'm wondering if you ever try anything new yourself in changing positions because the BOTH of you are having sex...)

You are complaining because Anal is off the table (doesn't sound like your wife was all that vanilla) 

You want lingerie, heel, toys, the MAX right? With two young children and a wife that's being told she can't masturbate.

Oh and I read that you go out several nights a week without your wife. You were out with a friend...you went out for a few hours here and there...Sounds to me like she's tired of being a piece of meat to you. 

"liar and thief" now.

I'm going to say this post is BS now.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Wait she steals too?! Whhaaaaaatttt? No way!
> 
> Seriously, I just read that you masturbate a lot because she doesn't have sex with you enough (5 days a week isn't enough....)
> 
> ...


The difference between my masturbation and hers is that I still have desire for her when I'm done. She doesn't. I go solo every single morning (cos she's never up for it) and still want her that night. If she gets on the vibe I have a 1 in 4 chance of getting laid. THAT is the difference.
The only reason I'm getting it 5 times a week is because the vibe isn't there.
Controlling? Yes, most likely. Alternative? I leave her because once every four days just ain't enough sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Cleancut said:


> On top of all of this, her mother has some very unhealthy attitudes toward sex. Her parents haven't had sex in at least twenty years. I'm NOT kidding.



How do you know that???? *creepy!*

You're all over the place. Why didn't you start your thread with 'my wife says that anal hurts, but I don't believe her because she's a liar/ thief etc...'? 

Maybe you need to talk to a counselor to address your resentment towards your wife. 

I have a hard time believing your story because you're giving informations to defend yourself instead of trying to solve your 'problem'. Why can't you lay out everything instead of waiting to be 'attacked' by "haters"?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cleancut said:


> On top of all of this, her mother has some very unhealthy attitudes toward sex. Her parents haven't had sex in at least twenty years. I'm NOT kidding.


Oh man that's terrible. But I'm not sure what that has to do with your marriage since you are not married to her mom.

Shot, I'm high drive and love sex. But my parents, who had 8 kids, never has sex in their 25 year marriage. The only reason at the marriage ended was that my dad died.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wow, now she's a thief! I can't wait to hear what's next!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Please leave this woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, now she's a thief! I can't wait to hear what's next!


Let's see, he takes her vibrator and throws it away.

Then he buys her a replacement he keeps control of it.

If it's true that she was stealing from the grocery story, I wonder if he handles money like he does HER vibrator.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

cleancut, a humble request.

Please create a new thread.
Share what all you eat.
How much is the quantity.

Your exercise regimen. How much and how often.

Hell please also share your underwear brand and soap.

Am sure a lot of us would appreciate it.


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

fightforher said:


> Controlling to the max. First off, getting one self off is a different sort of thing than with a partner. When one pleasures oneself there is a lot of control, it can be quick and easy. With a partner there is a different set of emotions going on, coupling with somebody else, felling the connection and yes, working on getting getting your needs met with body parts that are not yours and you can't just move to the right spot easily. So just because she can't sustain the frequency with you as with a vibrator is not a fair comparison. Do not try to compete with a vibrator
> 
> Second off, you come home and hide the vibrator. You are treating you wife like a pet, a dog. Oh this burns me up. What the heck are you doing controlling her sexuality so much that you control when she gets it and when she does not. You are treating her worse than a sex object, you are treating her as a pet, depriving her so you can get your needs met.
> 
> ...


I wonder if you'd be expressing the same attitude if i was a woman, complaining that her husband just won't stop jacking off to porn and ignores me? What if removing that porn got the relationship back on track?
Seems that two sets of rules apply around here.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> The difference between my masturbation and hers is that I still have desire for her when I'm done. She doesn't. I go solo every single morning (cos she's never up for it) and still want her that night. If she gets on the vibe I have a 1 in 4 chance of getting laid. THAT is the difference.
> The only reason I'm getting it 5 times a week is because the vibe isn't there.
> Controlling? Yes, most likely. Alternative? I leave her because once every four days just ain't enough sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, perhaps this solution will work for you. You give her the vibrator and watch while she uses it. Now when she gets close, you snatch the vibrator away from her and offer to give it back if you can do anal with her first. That way she gets her vibrator and you get your anal. Problem solved.

Now we can work on her parents sexual problems, or that stealing issue.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Cleancut said:


> I wonder if you'd be expressing the same attitude if i was a woman, complaining that her husband just won't stop jacking off to porn and ignores me? What if removing that porn got the relationship back on track?
> Seems that two sets of rules apply around here.


Does not matter. If she is unwilling to give up the vibrator it tells me that there is deeper troubles than just sex. The addiction to the vibrator is only a symptom to a problem between the two of you.

If this was a woman complaining that her H was addicted to porn and it was ruining her sex life, then I would suggest she talk to him about it. She would have to let him know it is affecting their relationship. If he wants her, he will understand and make an effort to control it. I would not tell her to just remove all porn from the house and expect everything to be fixed. Because the underlining problem would persist.

Preferring porn or a vibrator over the real thing generally means that there is some more complex issues that requires communication to resolve. Not just throwing away the articles.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Cleancut said:


> Firstly, apologies to the moderator if I'm overstepping the rules here. It certainly isn't the intention, I just couldn't access the previous thread - locked.
> 
> Some sound advice was certainly given by some whilst others seemed to launch off on various tangents.
> 
> ...



There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship with someone if you are not sexually satisfied. Your only other options are to stay unsatisfied sexually or to cheat. Your wife expects you not to cheat on her. Doesn't that mean that it is her responsibility to satisfy your sexual needs ? As long as they are within reason ? People have said how can you say you love her because you consider leaving over sex .. well how can she say she loves you if she has no interest in fulfilling your sexual needs ? 

Talk to her honestly about how you feel. Ask her why it is now too painful. Maybe there is a medical reason. If so then if you love her you are obligated to live with it. If she loved anal then she should be more than willing to find a solution to overcome the pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stoney1215 said:


> There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship with someone if you are not sexually satisfied. Your only other options are to stay unsatisfied sexually or to cheat. Your wife expects you not to cheat on her. Doesn't that mean that it is her responsibility to satisfy your sexual needs ? As long as they are within reason ? *People have said how can you say you love her because you consider leaving over sex ..* well how can she say she loves you if she has no interest in fulfilling your sexual needs ?


That is a misrepresentation of what people have said on this thread.

They are having sex 5 times a week. 

He's considering leaving over anal sex. Saying that his issue is just about sex in general is diluting what he wants.





stoney1215 said:


> Talk to her honestly about how you feel. Ask her why it is now too painful. Maybe there is a medical reason. If so then if you love her you are obligated to live with it.


This is no different than what all of us have been telling him.



stoney1215 said:


> If she loved anal then she should be more than willing to find a solution to overcome the pain.


OP does need to be aware that the pain cannot always be overcome.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Elegirl... yes it is a misrepresentation i did not mean it verbatim. I meant itas a generalization to my point. Although they have sex his issue is still a lack of what he wants sexually. It is in that sense i was talking about. You can have sex every day twice a day, if it is not the sex you want to have you will never be happy. She has every right to not do it and he has every right to not want a relationship without it. Sexual satisfaction is a very big part of a relationship and it should be taken seriously when making a decision about who you spend your life with. 

When you are in a committed relationship i believe you owe it to your partner and yourself to try to do everything you can to make your partner and you happy before you allow your relationship to end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stoney1215 said:


> Elegirl... yes it is a misrepresentation i did not mean it verbatim. I meant itas a generalization to my point. Although they have sex his issue is still a lack of what he wants sexually. It is in that sense i was talking about. You can have sex every day twice a day, if it is not the sex you want to have you will never be happy. She has every right to not do it and he has every right to not want a relationship without it. Sexual satisfaction is a very big part of a relationship and it should be taken seriously when making a decision about who you spend your life with.
> 
> When you are in a committed relationship i believe you owe it to your partner and yourself to try to do everything you can to make your partner and you happy before you allow your relationship to end.



I agree with the above. In the best of all possible worlds his wife can get medical attention and she'll once again be free of all pain.

This thread brings up some real problems that couples struggle with. We all change and age. Then add pregnancy and childbirth to the mix and the change becomes even greater. 

Sure she can do whatever is reasonable to see if she can continue anal sex. But if she has physical damage, there is a good chance that this is it. It's not going to get any better.


It's profoundly sad that anyone's 'need' for anal sex is so strong that they would dump the mother of their 3 children, make their children grow up in a broken home... so that they can get anal sex once in a while. 

If I knew that after years of marriage and having 3 children, that was all it would take for my husband to dump me... he can leave. If you want to see a woman fall out of love with a man in a heart beat... tell her that. 

The more the OP posts here, the more we see that there are huge problems in the marriage. It sounds like his wife is not happy in the marriage and not happy with him. I can see why. It has nothing to do with anal sex. He has serious marital problems. Instead of working with his wife to solve them he's trying to control her vibrator. This marriage is doomed if the two of them don't get to a MC soon and both of them work to solve the problems.

.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

that_girl said:


> She says it hurts.
> 
> So his expectations don't matter.
> 
> I don't read "expectations" in this thread. I read "entitlement". A "deal". lol. As if it was in their vows.


I asked my wife if she wanted to take the Hershey Highway 

Her answer sounded like Charlie Browns teacher Blah Blah

l really didn't hear her answer

Should I try anyway ?

55


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## Cleancut (Jun 27, 2014)

Thanks to all the people who offered genuine advice. I've taken some of that counsel on board.
Plenty just didn't seem to get it and instead just offered sarcasm and judgement.
This is might be my final reply on the topic.
I found it particularly interesting that some seemed to think that there is NO sexual contract involved in marriage or that it's unreasonable to expect things to remain the same (or similar) for the duration of a marriage.
I also found it particularly interesting that some were offended at the suggestion that I (like others) have pre-requisites for a future spouse - these same people have pre-requisites, but may not acknowledge them. eg. They've married a man or woman on the basis that they're attracted to that sex - meaning sexual attraction and gender were pre-requisites.
I wonder if these same people would be so "open minded" and caring if their spouse decided that the pain of being (insert gender) was too much for them to bare and went off for a sex change....
Just putting it out there for consideration.
Thank you to the majority of TAM for their help.
I will be having a candid conversation with my wife some time soon.


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