# Is this an unreasonable request?



## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Hi, 

So, last night my husband and I are in bed cuddling. I hate cuddling because it never can just stay cuddling. He always wants sex. He's not capable of being intimate without sex. But, I have to cuddle or he gets all offended. I've perfected pretending to be asleep so that he subtley gets the message that I'm not into it. 
But, he touched me really lightly and it tickled and I couldn't help it, I laughed. He got upset and started asking if there was something wrong with him and why I don't want to have sex. I was like 'there's nothing wrong with you, I'm tired'. 
He proceeded to just go completely off the chain saying that we have no sex life (I don't feel that way). I told him that for someone complaining of a lack of sex he sure doesn't initiate a whole hell of a lot. 
But anyways, I was just so tired and not feeling well yesterday and so I told him that "I'm really tired and I think that we should talk about this tomorrow" and he just wouldn't let up. He accused me of not caring about our marriage because I wouldn't get into a long drawn out conversation at midnight when I have to be up at 6. 
I don't think that my request was unreasonable. I was tired and not really thinking straight. Am I wrong? If you're spouse wants to talk, should you just always stop what you're doing and talk? That doesn't seem reasonable to me....
Thoughts...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry, but he needs to be mature enough to know, accept and embrace the difference! 

Even when being joyfully married, he must come to the fast realization that cuddling isn't necessarily going to yield "sex" every single time!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Hi, 
I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Who needs to know the difference?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, last night my husband and I are in bed cuddling. I hate cuddling because it never can just stay cuddling. He always wants sex. He's not capable of being intimate without sex. But, I have to cuddle or he gets all offended. I've perfected pretending to be asleep so that he subtley gets the message that I'm not into it.
> But, he touched me really lightly and it tickled and I couldn't help it, I laughed. He got upset and started asking if there was something wrong with him and why I don't want to have sex. I was like 'there's nothing wrong with you, I'm tired'.
> ...



Most guys have high adventurous HD sex drives. The more the better.

He finds you hot and always seems to want sex.........only with you.

His main love language is probably Physical and rating 12.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.

Instead of being annoyed with his high sex drive, why not find ways to spice it up, make it more interesting and more for you?

Come up with something different every week.

If he has orgasms, so should you. Get him to use a small silver bullet vibrator on you while he gives you oral at the same time. You have an amazing orgasm first. Then let him connect with you.

Tell him what your fantasies are and start doing them.


There are times I love to just cuddle with Mrs.CuddleBug on the couch, watch big bang theory and we have a nap together.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How often do you have sex with him?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

technovelist said:


> How often do you have sex with him?


I was thinking the same thing. I can cuddle without wanting sex if we are having regular sex (twice a week is enough for me). If it has been a week, then asking me to cuddle without me getting excited is unreasonable.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, last night my husband and I are in bed cuddling. I hate cuddling because it never can just stay cuddling. He always wants sex. He's not capable of being intimate without sex. But, I have to cuddle or he gets all offended. I've perfected pretending to be asleep so that he subtley gets the message that I'm not into it.
> But, he touched me really lightly and it tickled and I couldn't help it, I laughed. He got upset and started asking if there was something wrong with him and why I don't want to have sex. I was like 'there's nothing wrong with you, I'm tired'.
> ...


I don't think it's unreasonable, as long as it hasn't become a "blow off" habit and you never talk.

I used to feel the way your husband did, about the talking aspect, but my wife worked till 5, we had our granddaughter till 9, I gave her "me" time to unwind and then it was bedtime. Bedtime was the only real "alone" time we had to talk about anything. It was always a colossal failure, I would engage and she would be snoring right in the middle of it. To her, sleep was more important than working out problems.

As long as you have available daylight time to talk, I don't see anything wrong with waiting until tomorrow.

I'm assuming that the only affection you get are precursors to sex?


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Lol, I appreciate people's willingness to dog into my sex life ?, but, my question was if my request to postpone the conversation to the next day was unreasonable.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Lol, I appreciate people's willingness to dog into my sex life ?, but, my question was if my request to postpone the conversation to the next day was unreasonable.


Postponing until the next day is reasonable. 

But if you have been putting him off (no sex) for a while, then that isn't reasonable and could be the cause of the way he reacted.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, last night my husband and I are in bed cuddling. I hate cuddling because it never can just stay cuddling. He always wants sex. He's not capable of being intimate without sex. But, I have to cuddle or he gets all offended. I've perfected pretending to be asleep so that he subtley gets the message that I'm not into it.
> But, he touched me really lightly and it tickled and I couldn't help it, I laughed. He got upset and started asking if there was something wrong with him and why I don't want to have sex. I was like 'there's nothing wrong with you, I'm tired'.
> ...


Yes, it's unreasonable for him to expect you to have a long, drawn out talk at midnight when you need to be up at 6.

But..... you do need to talk. When are you planning to do this.

And remember, just because you're happy with your sex life doesn't mean he is. You don't necessarily need to do what he wants, but you should know what he wants (and he should know what you want).


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Postponing until the next day is reasonable.
> 
> But if you have been putting him off (no sex) for a while, then that isn't reasonable and could be the cause of the way he reacted.


That's how I used to get, except your week is my few months. lol


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi,
> I'm not sure I understand what you mean. Who needs to know the difference?


*Primarily him! But in actuality, both of you need to be acutely aware of this!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Oh, obviously we need to talk, which we will do when i get home from work tonight. 
I just wanted to wait until i could actually participate in the conversation without being a zombie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

We cuddle a lot, which leads to sex, most of the time. However, there are times when my husband is tired and falls a sleep, while I was ready to go. I just kiss him and let him sleep. There is always mornings or the next night. When, I am not feeling well or tired, I let him know. Babe, not tonight. He is usually ok with it or if he is super horny, he ask if I am ok with him taking care of himself. I usually hold him or kiss him, when he takes care of himself. I don't want him to feel like I am rejecting him. It takes a few minutes, I can indulge him.

Most guys will want sex if there is a lot of cuddling and rubbing up on each other. It's the natural progression. It sounds like you don't like cuddling because, of where it leads.

If my husband wants a convo, it does not matter when, I listen. (He is not a talker) It's important to listen to each other and hear what is being said. He wanted to let you know he was feeling rejected.

For most men, sex equals showing you love and affection. It's how he is trying to connect to you. Maybe, he is feeling like things aren't so good and he just wants to reconnect.


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

Personal said:


> And how often do you pretend you're asleep?


Meh, maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I have to pretend because of im honest he gets offended and punishes me with coldness...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cinnamon153 (Jun 18, 2015)

I'm assuming that the only affection you get are precursors to sex?[/QUOTE]

You would be correct. 95% of our physical relationship is centered around the precursors to sex...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Lol, I appreciate people's willingness to dog into my sex life ?, but, my question was if my request to postpone the conversation to the next day was unreasonable.


And the answer is "it depends on how long it has been since you last had sex".


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Perfectly reasonable to postpone the conversation, especially if it's starting off heated. Cooler heads will make for better conversation.

That said, I'm confused. You make it sound like he's constantly bothering you for sex on one hand, but then you also said that he never initiates?


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

It's not unreasonable. But it is somewhat understandable. 

So, you hate cuddling or you hate cuddling because it always leads to sex?

"Is there something wrong with me?" I feel rejected and undesired. You make me feel unattractive. 

"Why don't you want to have sex?" I want sex with you and I want to feel desired. 

"We have no sex life." My needs for sex and intimacy aren't being met. I don't initiate because I fear/am tired of rejection and it's obvious that you aren't into it. I suspected and now confirmed that you are actively avoiding sex. 

"You don't care about our marriage." I'm highly upset and it seems like you could care less as demonstrated by your desire to sack out. You must not care that I'm hurt right now. I don't care what time it is, THIS is important. 

This is just some of his possible POV.

Edit. Didn't see that 95% of contact is a precursor and this only happens 2-3x per year. Not unreasonable, but he's definitely feeling hurt.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Communication is critical in any relationship. By pretending to be asleep you are passively rejecting your H. His feelings of rejection and frustration are important to him and perhaps due more consideration on your part especially in light of the fact that he sees your sex life as non-existent, a view that you do not share. This divide is most common in marriages and is the cause of many problems. Would it be worth it to call in late to work if it meant talking through an issue that is important to him? He sees himself as low on your priority list, even resorting to trickery to avoid intimacy.

Perhaps try to talk this out and see if there is an amicable solution, at the very least stop ignoring the problem. Your H's crime is desiring intimacy with you on a regular basis. There are worse problems in the world? Consider it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Cinnamon153 said:


> Hi,
> 
> So, last night my husband and I are in bed cuddling. I hate cuddling because it never can just stay cuddling. He always wants sex. He's not capable of being intimate without sex. But, I have to cuddle or he gets all offended. I've perfected pretending to be asleep so that he subtley gets the message that I'm not into it.
> But, he touched me really lightly and it tickled and I couldn't help it, I laughed. He got upset and started asking if there was something wrong with him and why I don't want to have sex. I was like 'there's nothing wrong with you, I'm tired'.
> ...


How many times have you "put off sex till tomorrow? Perhaps he senses a pattern........It is not possible to fool a man with the "put off game....I have a trophy.....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Cinnamon153 said:


> I'm assuming that the only affection you get are precursors to sex?


You would be correct. 95% of our physical relationship is centered around the precursors to sex...
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Is that your fault or his?

In my marriage my wife would say that it is my fault because "I only hug her when I want sex." 

But she has trained me to be that way. 

If she was to initiate a hug when I got home from work, there would be physical intimacy without it being a precursor to sex. If she allowed me to hug her when I came home from work, then their would be physical intimacy without it being a precursor to sex. If we cuddled in bed most nights/mornings, and we were having sex a couple of times a week, then there would be physical intimacy that wasn't a precursor to sex.

So yes, when she only accepts physical intimacy once every ten days or so, and it only happens in bed, then it becomes a precursor to sex.


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