# Attracted to DH's best friend



## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

Hi y'all, 

We just spent the weekend at a reunion with my hubby's friends and I felt a huge crush on his best friend! Does this ever happen to you? I would make an effort to look nice when I knew he'd be around and then wouldn't care too much about my appearance if he wasn't going to be at a certain event. He is chivalrous and a good communicator in a way my DH isn't (doesn't interrupt me, holds doors, waits for the woman to walk first down a hallway, pays for everything). He is also incredibly handsome. I know he isn't perfect (no one is), but I'm in one of those "crush phases" where I have intense dreams about the guy--usually doing nonsexual things like strolling and chatting--but in them I feel completely in love! DH senses it (he jokingly told both of us, "well why don't the two of you just give each other a kiss").

Any advice on how to handle these crushes?? I'd never ever cheat emotionally or physically, but they always make me have less amorous feelings for my DH. Recently we've been having issues because I'm ready for baby and home-buying (I am 31, he's 28), but he isn't and I feel resentful.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Stay away from as much as possible. As you have stated he is not perfect. Believe me he has his warts too. Who knows he may be an abuser behind closed doors. You just never know anyone until you have lived with them for awhile.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I see you have started 16 threads. I think you and your husband need some help. Just from perusing a few thread titles, it's clear your husband is not meeting your needs and a few threads indicate resentment towards him. Please get yourselves to counseling. Be up front with him. I bet he was just like Mr Wonderful when y'all were dating as well. Good luck.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Having a crush and ACTING on it are completely different things. It's normal to have a crush once in a while - but don't let it bring down a marriage! Be strong and resist the temptation, but know that it is perfectly normal to feel at least SOME temptation.


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

intheory said:


> ^^^ I also advise staying away from him as much as possible.
> 
> These crushes probably indicate you are dissatisfied with your H in some way. Which you pretty much admitted since you are ready to settle down more.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

newwife07 said:


> He is chivalrous and a good communicator in a way my DH isn't (doesn't interrupt me, holds doors, waits for the woman to walk first down a hallway, pays for everything). He is also incredibly handsome. I know he isn't perfect (no one is)


My advise, you have to humanize him, see, I am exactly like your husband's friend, I do all what you described and also open the car's door for any woman who goes in a car with me, I pull the chair at restaurants, I always take heavy objects from women, I was raised like that, but I am also very human nad have many defects, one of my worst defects (relatonship oriented) I am messy with my clothes and leave them everywhere (socks in the living room, jackets and shirts in every chair of the house, boxers in the bathroom floor) I also hate fixing the bed before going to work (so the days I don't pay clean service it stays messy unless is weekend) and many others.

ever person have good and bad qualities, and we normally just show the good ones to those who see us for short periods of times, I asure you that his past girlfriends (or wife if he is married) have a list of defects as big as yours for him


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

If your husband had a crush on another woman, would you be OK with that?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Feeling disconnected from your husband, unresolved conflict, not feeling heard, promises not kept.. all of this builds resentment in us.. maybe he feels some of his emotional needs are not being met by you...and he has some resentment also.. ??

You and your husband needs to sit down and talk these things out, hear each other, don't blame shift, admit your faults before each other (I know easier said than done for many).. and find that peace back in each other's arms.. . so you will once again admire and DOTE on him.. and he you...

We all need that in marriage.. and when it's satisfied, these little crushes are so insignificant....I've had a few of my own in relation to guy friends, the Cuteness factor.. but I've always had my needs met at home, so none of these ever escalated...

This is a great book to buy...and read together... 

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage ...it speaks of the 10 emotional needs...

1. *Admiration*
2. *Affection*
3. *Conversation*
4. *Domestic support*
5. *Family commitment*
6.* Financial support*
7. *Honesty and openness*
8. *Physical attractiveness*
9. *Recreational companionship*
10. *Sexual fulfillment*

Where are you and he lacking???.. I am concentrating more on your relationship with your H - over the crush.. because this is where you need to focus...


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

newwife07 said:


> Hi y'all,
> 
> We just spent the weekend at a reunion with my hubby's friends and I felt a huge crush on his best friend! Does this ever happen to you? I would make an effort to look nice when I knew he'd be around and then wouldn't care too much about my appearance if he wasn't going to be at a certain event. He is chivalrous and a good communicator in a way my DH isn't (doesn't interrupt me, holds doors, waits for the woman to walk first down a hallway, pays for everything). He is also incredibly handsome. I know he isn't perfect (no one is), but I'm in one of those "crush phases" where I have intense dreams about the guy--usually doing nonsexual things like strolling and chatting--but in them I feel completely in love! DH senses it (he jokingly told both of us, "well why don't the two of you just give each other a kiss").
> 
> Any advice on how to handle these crushes?? I'd never ever cheat emotionally or physically, but they always make me have less amorous feelings for my DH. Recently we've been having issues because I'm ready for baby and home-buying (I am 31, he's 28), but he isn't and I feel resentful.



I think you need to be very, very careful here. Your husband may make a few jokes about it but who knows how he really feels. I've never had this issue with my W. At least not that she's ever made me aware of or that I noticed but I did have this happen in reverse.

My best friend's wife was extremely complimentary of me and would even make comments about my physique to her husband (my best friend) right in front of me. Talk about feeling uncomfortable. It got to where I didn't want to go over to his place and hang out like we used to do.

They had marital issues, as I found out more about later, and were divorced within 5 years. Suffice it to say that it is not okay to allow those feelings for a spouse's friend to grow or fester into something more.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> If your husband had a crush on another woman, would you be OK with that?


Yes, this is a great point. I don't think any women would be okay with this. Who knows, maybe OP's husband is pining after one of her girlfriends. Seems that might be fitting, huh?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just how many crushes are we talking about here? Are you crushing on people every other week or what?


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I am usually not the resident Chicken Little on TAM but your post concerns me. There is a fine line between thinking someone is nice looking and a one way EA. 

What's the difference between a crush and a one way EA? The difference is when you start wishing your spouse was more like the crush. This kind of thinking can literally make you fall out of love with your spouse and resent them simply because they don't measure up to some fantasy you've created in your mind.

One of my best friend's wives was constantly comparing him to other men including me. She thought all of his friends were better looking and more successful. She eventually left him because he didn't measure up to the perfect man image she envisioned.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't have a baby that your husband does not want.
That's not fair to the baby.

Your crush is just an attempt to get yourself pregnant. Alot of girls with baby fever develop crushes.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Stay away from the handsome man.

Are you only noticing the attraction now or is it something that was always there for you?


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Stop dressing up for him and start dressing up for your husband.

Your very initial attraction isn't a choice. It happens. You can't control who grabs your eye..BUT...everything AFTER that IS a choice.

Having an initial attraction is fine....letting it foster into a crush and more so...ACTING on it...is not. PS getting dolled up for his IS acting on it. Don't kid yourself. What would happen if he made a comment "Wow, that dress makes you look..." etc. It would feed your crush and you'd try a tiny bit harder. Affairs don't go from zero to 100 in no time. Many WS's find themselves asking "how did I get here"? because they didn't stop the destructive thoughts.

How would you feel if your husband was putting on his best suit, wearing cologne, etc. but ONLY on the days he was going to see a woman he works with lets say. But he didn't do the same for you?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you may also think he has a lil crush on you because he is attentive to you am I right?

These crushes are normal. 

I used to have them with the hot dudes at work, etc. but what I found out is that lots of other women did as well. We ALL that we were the one they had a crush on when in reality, they didn't. We were nothing special to them. This crush is simply a fantasy crush so put in into perspective.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Mental control OP

When the thoughts/feelings come up, think about other things that calm you and make you feel good.

It's YOUR responsibility to do so as a partner.

Meanwhile, stay as far away from him as possible.

Your husband already made it clear that he sensed the atmosphere when you to are around each other. We have that sixth sense in us.

Think of it as a warning.......

You are already acting on it as we speak (dressing up/looking good etc).

You are not controlling your mind/thoughts (other way around). Thoughts are starting to CONTROL YOU.

STOP DOING IT


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with everything everyone has said. I also want to add in there that you say you're ready for a baby and home buying? Well, that wouldn't exactly be the best idea considering all of the issues you and your H have. Maybe he senses this? 

If you're crushing on people and feeling resentful toward your H, you need to sort all of that out before worrying about a baby. Babies don't magically make everything better...they actually have quite the opposite effect if there are already big issues in the relationship.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Be careful about thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Gets A LOT of people into trouble.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> I agree with everything everyone has said. I also want to add in there that you say you're ready for a baby and home buying? Well, that wouldn't exactly be the best idea considering all of the issues you and your H have. Maybe he senses this?
> 
> If you're crushing on people and feeling resentful toward your H, you need to sort all of that out before worrying about a baby. Babies don't magically make everything better...they actually have quite the opposite effect if there are already big issues in the relationship.


Not to mention the fact that the Husband HAS picked up on this, hence his comments. He is using humor as his vent, but don't think for 1 second that this doesn't bother him and isn't building resentment within him.


----------



## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_One of my best friend's wives was constantly comparing him to other men *including me*. She thought all of his friends were better looking and more successful. She eventually left him because he didn't measure up to the perfect man image she envisioned. _

This is the second post where someone elses spouse was comparing their man to Reformed Hubby. Note to self, do not let the wife meet RH at the TAM festival anytime.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> _One of my best friend's wives was constantly comparing him to other men *including me*. She thought all of his friends were better looking and more successful. She eventually left him because he didn't measure up to the perfect man image she envisioned. _
> 
> This is the second post where someone elses spouse was comparing their man to Reformed Hubby. Note to self, do not let the wife meet RH at the TAM festival anytime.


----------



## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Stop dressing up for him and start dressing up for your husband.
> 
> Your very initial attraction isn't a choice. It happens. You can't control who grabs your eye..BUT...everything AFTER that IS a choice.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

Avoid social media if you don't want a crush to become an infatuation


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

newwife07 said:


> usually doing nonsexual things like strolling and chatting--but in them I feel completely in love! DH senses it (he jokingly told both of us, "well why don't the two of you just give each other a kiss").
> 
> Any advice on how to handle these crushes?? I'd never ever cheat emotionally or physically, but they always make me have less amorous feelings for my DH. Recently we've been having issues because I'm ready for baby and home-buying (I am 31, he's 28), but he isn't and I feel resentful.


You are cheating, in a sense. You feel "completely in love" when you fantasize about the OM. You are ready to have a baby and buy a home? Are you serious????

You apparently have multiple threads going here, you are complaining about your husband, and there are "issues" in your marriage.

My take on this? You aren't all that thrilled with your husband. But what the heck, right? You want a house and a baby. The husband? He's expendable if things don't work out.

You sound very immature for 31. 

And if you don't like my answer or any other answers here, then don't ask the question(s).

JMO.

P.S. - Get some in-depth counseling before you make any major life decisions. Seriously.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> _One of my best friend's wives was constantly comparing him to other men *including me*. She thought all of his friends were better looking and more successful. She eventually left him because he didn't measure up to the perfect man image she envisioned. _
> 
> This is the second post where someone elses spouse was comparing their man to Reformed Hubby. Note to self, do not let the wife meet RH at the TAM festival anytime.


LoL, I honestly don't think it has a lot to do with me at all, in other words I'm not special. I think it has more to do with changes in society. The women that are making comparisons are probably putting more of an emphasis on material things. Truth be told I think her husband was and still is a better man than me from a moral standpoint. 

What I mean by changes in society is that people have always been competitive, but with facebook its in your face all the time. For some people this can become really unhealthy. Before the days of social media people weren't able to look at highlights of how awesome their friends lives were everyday.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

newwife07 said:


> Hi y'all,
> 
> We just spent the weekend at a reunion with my hubby's friends and I felt a huge crush on his best friend! Does this ever happen to you? I would make an effort to look nice when I knew he'd be around and then wouldn't care too much about my appearance if he wasn't going to be at a certain event. He is chivalrous and a good communicator in a way my DH isn't (doesn't interrupt me, holds doors, waits for the woman to walk first down a hallway, pays for everything). He is also incredibly handsome. I know he isn't perfect (no one is), but I'm in one of those "crush phases" where I have intense dreams about the guy--usually doing nonsexual things like strolling and chatting--but in them I feel completely in love! DH senses it (he jokingly told both of us, "well why don't the two of you just give each other a kiss").
> 
> Any advice on how to handle these crushes?? I'd never ever cheat emotionally or physically, but they always make me have less amorous feelings for my DH. Recently we've been having issues because I'm ready for baby and home-buying (I am 31, he's 28), but he isn't and I feel resentful.


I get that your emotions and impulses rule your behavior.

As such it does not matter what you do. Your life will be like this, from drama to drama.

But it will end in misery for your husband, the only advantage for you is that being superficial, you will be over it quick. Only later in life you will regret your choice to be like this.

But he deserves better, so tell him and separate.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I get that your emotions and impulses rule your behavior.
> 
> As such it does not matter what you do. Your life will be like this, from drama to drama.
> 
> ...


I think your post is inappropriate. The OP does need to remove herself from her husband's friend. But I don't think she needs to leave her husband just because you say so. We don't know enough about their overall relationship to make that determination. 

I've perused her other posts and yes she does bring some drama, but you know what there are a lot of men out there that actually love drama. Wouldn't have it any other way. For all we know her husband is madly in love with her, and wouldn't know what to do with himself without her and her drama.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think your post is inappropriate. The OP does need to remove herself from her husband's friend. But I don't think she needs to leave her husband just because you say so. We don't know enough about their overall relationship to make that determination.
> 
> I've perused her other posts and yes she does bring some drama, but you know what there are a lot of men out there that actually love drama. Wouldn't have it any other way. For all we know her husband is madly in love with her, and wouldn't know what to do with himself without her and her drama.


My father once told me "women can't live without a problem, if there isn't one, they create it".....

Longer I live, more I realize that above applies MORE to men then women!!!

:rofl:

......this might deserve a thread.....in women's lounge hehe


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think your post is inappropriate. The OP does need to remove herself from her husband's friend. But I don't think she needs to leave her husband just because you say so. We don't know enough about their overall relationship to make that determination.
> 
> *I've perused her other posts and yes she does bring some drama, but you know what there are a lot of men out there that actually love drama. Wouldn't have it any other way. For all we know her husband is madly in love with her, and wouldn't know what to do with himself without her and her drama*.


I think there is some truth to this. I am emotional, and dh is not. He told me if he had married someone like himself, he would be bored.

Different people do need different things in a relationship.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> But I don't think she needs to leave her husband just because you say so.


Of course not just because I say so. 

But imho just because of the situation and her behaviour as she so colorful enlightens us with.

I have seen so many threads with psychotic spouses that it is better ended now. The husband here will have a needless amount of grief if she starts to feel more entitled to having an affair, or feels driven to an affair, you know the wordings that get used.

The fog has already taken possession of her.


----------

