# Hard decision to make



## SandraEastCoast (Jul 27, 2011)

I've been married for one year. We dated/lived together for three years before that. This is my second marriage. It is his first.

I am unhappy. I am no longer physically attracted to my husband. We're broke. It's a bunch of small things, really, leading up to my wondering if I should be married at all. Ever. To anyone. 

I'm in therapy and have found that I have an M.O.: I fall for guys who "need" me. I'm like a mother figure in some ways, and my entire life revolves around taking care of other people. I've never been single, not even for a day, since I was 16. I don't know who I am outside of caring for my mate. 

Husband #1 had anger issues and we fought all the time. 

Husband #2 is a wonderful man, kind, compassionate, funny. We have a lot of fun together and are (or used to be, at least) best friends. We never fight, never bicker. We are, essentially, roommates. There is no passion, no chemistry, no strong emotional feelings. Just status quo. 

There are a few things that could be improved upon that might make a difference, but I'm afraid that spark won't ever return. It seems to be a 1 to 2 year thing in all of my relationships, then we get "used" to each other and sex falls off. It's not interesting anymore. Not exciting. Not even when we "mix it up" - it's just like having unusual sex with your roommate. Friends with benefits.

I know I need to figure out a lot of things about myself and what I want, why I do the things that I do, etc. That's why I'm in therapy.

But I haven't discussed these misgivings with my husband. He would be totally blindsided. I hope he's always in my life in some capacity, but I feel like I'm robbing us both of feeling fulfilled and happy if I don't consider a split.

Should I sit down and discuss how I'm feeling? Try to communicate and work on solutions together? 

Or do I need to keep the hurtful information from him until I understand it better?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sandra, welcome to the TAM forum. You pose an excellent question. It seems equivalent to asking whether your issues are best resolved by an individual therapist (i.e., on your own) or by a marriage counselor (i.e., involving both of you and thus informing your H). Generally, if you have a core injury like a personality disorder, you have to work on yourself for a long time before MC (involving your H) would even start to be useful because the issues are far more difficult to resolve than mere lack-of-communication issues. Even then, however, a case could be made for being upfront with your H by informing him of what it is that you are working on (given that it could take several years of therapy). What does your therapist suggest? Are you seeing a therapist with a PhD degree (e.g., a clinical psychologist)?


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## SandraEastCoast (Jul 27, 2011)

Thanks Uptown. 

I struggle with depression (both disthymia and seasonal affective disorder) and have been in therapy for years re: those issues. I also have a lot of things in my past that I haven't learned to move beyond, and my therapists (I have two, and they are both licensed psychologists, plus I see a psychiatrist occasionally for depression management medication) refer to those struggles as a form of PTSS. 

So clearly I have stuff I need to continue to work on all by myself, and I plan to. 

My therapists believe it is wrong to keep information from my husband with regards to our relationship because it will eventually be disclosed and he should have the opportunity to think about/act on/suggest ways to work on/not be blindsided by it. 

That said, I chose to have the conversation with him last night. I thought he would be shocked, but he said he wasn't surprised based on my behavior of late. He could tell something was wrong. 

We've decided on couples counseling to see if there are things we can work on together that will help with our relationship. I just really don't know if there are. 

Hoping.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SandraEastCoast said:


> I'm in therapy and have found that I have an M.O.: I fall for guys who "need" me. I'm like a mother figure in some ways, and my entire life revolves around taking care of other people. I've never been single, not even for a day, since I was 16. I don't know who I am outside of caring for my mate.


I don't know if your therapist has touched upon codependency or not, but you may want to bring it up in your next session. Codies like to "fix" people, enable them, help them out, etc. It is not a bad thing, but when taken to excess, the codependent ends up lacking an identity. You say you don't know who you are, other than when you are in the role of caretaker. 

You sound insightful and have a grasp on what is causing your problem. JMO, but codependent behavior could be a major contributor to your issues. Have you ever read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? Perhaps you will find yourself within the pages of the book.

I hope you can rekindle the passion in your marriage. It sounds like you are married to a good man.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Sandra, I agree with Prodigal that you could benefit from reading _Codependent No More_. Like you, I am an "excessive caregiver," i.e., codependent. It can be difficult for folks like us to feel we are being loved if the person does not also desperately need us. This is why we usually walk right past the emotionally available and stable people (BORING) and keep walking until we find an unstable person who deserately needs us. That's what I did and I eventually learned that I had married a BPDer. 

I therefore applaud your choice of a stable man who really is capable of loving you. I just hope you are able, through therapy, to learn the enormous value of such love -- even though it lacks the temporary fireworks and intense passion found in toxic, unstable relationships. I therefore encourse you to stay with your H and continue working on your being able to feel loved even when you are not being desperately needed -- and even when he does not create a lot of passionate drama. As you get older, you likely will learn to appreciate the LACK of such debilitating, draining drama.


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## SandraEastCoast (Jul 27, 2011)

Thanks for the insight people. 

Yes, that sounds like me - totally co-dependent. And yes, my husband is the best man I've ever known. I have to figure out if I can find a way to be happy in the relationship. It's not fair to him if I don't find a way to love him the way he deserves to be loved. 

If we do split, I know we will remain friends. And I'm pretty sure I would never have a serious relationship again. Some people aren't cut out for marriage, I think. I might be one of those. 

My younger sister, also divorced, had some insight. We have this in common, inability to be happy with good things in our lives. Parents divorced and remarried and divorced and remarried. No good relationship models EVER in our lives, for either friends or lovers. We both have a hard enough time making ourselves feel content, when that second person is added in, it's impossible. 

So it will be interesting to see what happens. I'm going out of state for a week, so that will be a good chance to really think about things.


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