# Anyone a gamer..or with one?



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I've been with my bf for about a year and we've been living together for 2 months. We're both easy going people, both recently divorced, are in love and talk about our long future together. Since this is our second time around, we very much want to avoid the same mistakes made in our previous marriages. We are both mid 30s.

So, things are awesome..except he's a gamer! Now, I don't mind so much really, because I mostly just think of it as a hobby and as his way of winding down after a long day at work. I do my stuff (read, internet, watch tv, cook, etc), he games. 

My issue is specifically about one particular game (League of Legends) that is all consuming..when he plays he is totally unavailable for around 40 minutes at a time. Headphones on, chatting with other people online in the game. He can't walk away from it because he'll get black listed or banned or something. We have spoken about it numerous times because I have a toddler (not his child) and when he is playing both me and my little one are completely ignored (computer is in the lounge room). I'm not a precious princess who needs constant attention at all, but I just think this is so completely anti-social and sets a bad example for my child and I fear that him being ignored by a beloved male role model will influence him negatively in his formative years. 

Our relationship is wonderful, great sex, great communication, similar outlook on life, etc but I'm just starting to really wonder if I will be able to live with this because while I don't want to stop him from doing something he loves, I also feel the nature of this game is enough to come between us if things continue as is. What if we had a baby and I needed help, but he's playing and can't get up for another 20 minutes. It's ridiculous really. He has said he will make changes to help our relationship which I believe he will do but it's too soon to tell. Just wanting to hear from others who may've set boundaries about things like this.


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## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

I understand what you are going through. My husband is a gamer but he manages his time well and has even got me to play some games, even time consuming ones. The reason he is unavailable for 40 minutes is because in LoL it takes approximately 40 minutes to complete a match.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Anomnom said:


> I've been with my bf for about a year and we've been living together for 2 months. We're both easy going people, both recently divorced, are in love and talk about our long future together. Since this is our second time around, we very much want to avoid the same mistakes made in our previous marriages. We are both mid 30s.
> 
> So, things are awesome..except he's a gamer! Now, I don't mind so much really, because I mostly just think of it as a hobby and as his way of winding down after a long day at work. I do my stuff (read, internet, watch tv, cook, etc), he games.
> 
> ...


I love to game. I had to give up demanding social games and confine myself to ones that where more suitable to walk away from both during the game and for weeks/months at a time. Spending a couple hours with several thousand real dollars in virtual assets at stake is like having a 2nd job and is bad for a relationship.

He needs to have the maturity to realize what he is doing. What he is doing is not really any different than spending a couple hours at the bar after work every day. If he thought about it, he probably could get his gaming fix in on games that do not requires a commitment. They might be the 'best' games but at what cost?

World of Tanks and War Thunder are viable options as are most FPS games.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What would you do if he was a runner, and was gone for an hour run each day? He'd be unavailable and out of communication as well, but likely that would be acceptable? I imagine as well that if you really needed him, he'd put down his controller...

Maybe he could play after the child is in bed, though?

C


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Be glad he's not a hunter, golfer, poker player, etc.

Those take time *and* money

I think most men are gamers of some sort....he just needs to use better judgement as to *when* he games, and put his family first.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

40 minutes at a stretch? That is fine imo. Now, if it was 3 hours... no.

Maybe you both can compromise. He gets his 40 minutes/day when kidlet is around and then, puts down the controller.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm a gamer  

He really needs to resist the urge to let the addiction take over at least til the kids are in bed and the night is winding down. 

Typically gaming is done at night in our house when there's nothing left to do or if I wake up extremely early and DH isn't ready to get up yet. 

I've never understood the gaming w/headset and doing multiplayer online stuff. It seems like it disconnects the gamer from the world around them even more than just regular gaming. At least with regular gaming I can still carry on a conversation with DH while he's watching shows on his laptop or whatever. 

Basically I feel your man needs to stop with the multiplayer/headset/online gaming. It's MUCH easier to focus on other things and walk away when you're a stand alone player. 
He's not a teenager in mom's basement...he's a grown man and while it's cool to do things you love it must be done in moderation. Otherwise it's just going to be him and his gaming console sitting at home all alone.

ETA: My ex husband was an avid tennis player...he was gone for 2 hours a night playing tennis w/his coach and other dudes at the club. I think I'd take the 40 minute a night gaming habit over that any day. 40 mins isn't that much time at all in game land


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

PBear said:


> What would you do if he was a runner, and was gone for an hour run each day? He'd be unavailable and out of communication as well, but likely that would be acceptable? I imagine as well that if you really needed him, he'd put down his controller... Maybe he could play after the child is in bed, though? C


I asked him yesterday if that could be the compromise, to not play LoL until after little one goes to bed, then at least he will never feel ignored/neglected. He is actually a runner and has other outside interests..just that when he's gaming he's sitting in the same room as us but completely unavailable for long periods of time. It's not just 40 mins..it's hours, with a slight break between games..40 is the block of time he's in the zone so to speak, game over spell is broken but then new game commences. 



> He's not a teenager in mom's basement...he's a grown man and while it's cool to do things you love it must be done in moderation. Otherwise it's just going to be him and his gaming console sitting at home all alone.


Almost exactly what I said to him yesterday! I really don't have a problem with the gaming in general, just this all consuming one that he can't walk away or stop at will one. I'll suggest the other ones mentioned on here


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm a gamer, too, and I can spend a couple of hours at a time playing - if I have the time.

But, I won't play when there's anybody else around, wife OR kids. If my wife comes home and I'm playing something, it gets turned off, and not because she asks me to, but because she's more deserving of my attention. Even if I'm in the middle of a match, she's more important. None of this "almost done", "5 more minutes" stuff.

It's not the hobby that's bad, it's the misuse of time that is. It could be anything, not just gaming.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How much time do you two spend actively interacting as a couple? How about as a family? What do you and the toddler do when he's playing games "for hours"?

Not meaning to be TOO judgemental, but moving in together after dating for 10 months, especially when there's a child involved, seems rushed. Btw, who's place did you move into? Yours, his, or a new one?

C


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Singleplayer = Pause button

Problem solved


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

PBear said:


> How much time do you two spend actively interacting as a couple? How about as a family? What do you and the toddler do when he's playing games "for hours"?
> 
> Not meaning to be TOO judgemental, but moving in together after dating for 10 months, especially when there's a child involved, seems rushed. Btw, who's place did you move into? Yours, his, or a new one?
> 
> C


A couple of hours a night during the week, then most of all of the weekend. We don't go to bed til midnightish most nights. As a family not a great deal. I do the bath/bed routine and read stories after dinner with LO..he's in bed within an hour or so of dinner and he spends a lot of the weekend with his dad.

My xhb and I met and married within 9 months..that lasted 8 years. I left because he was asexual. Bf and I moved into a new place. The time we've known each other doesn't necessarily dictate how successful the relationship will be.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

This just sounds like a compromise type of thing.

I'm a "gamer" (just not like I was because I have a family).

Odds are he goes online at the same times because that's when the group of friends he plays with is on.

I don't see why a compromise can't be had, like one night a week, it's all him. He can go on whenever he wants and can be indisposed as much as he wants, but the other nights he waits until the little one is in bed.

In the games I've played, you end up in groups and can't really break away. It is really all consuming, which is one of the reasons I stopped.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm a gamer. There are plenty of games that don't need him to be 100% focused for 40 minutes straight, you could ask him to switch games. Stay away from anything that is a MMO (Massive Multiplayer Online).

You could get him something like Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, or Ghosts, Battlefield 4, Bioshock Infinite, Splinter Cell: Blacklist, Halo 4, just anything really. I don't expect you could make a very sound choice just because you don't game, so those are some suggestions  Not sure which of those are made for PC though, I'm a 360 fanboy.

But you need to voice your thoughts to him. It doesn't matter how great two people are together, if they don't communicate well and often. You guys should start working on being completely transparent with each other if your in this for keeps. Buy His Needs, Her Needs too, I personally think anyone who is thinking about marriage should read it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm not a "gamer" in the fanatical sense, but I game. Probably about every third day for 30 mins to an hour. I prefer games that are time or round constrained. Social MMO games that have no clear stopping points are complete life sucks - before you know it you've been playing for 3+ hours. F that.

I think its fine that a person has any given activity to themselves for a little while. Even with the time limited, round constrained games I play, you really can't pay much if any attention to anything else... there's too much going on, things happening quickly, and too much concentration required, and its online... you can't hit pause.

If this is something he enjoys, then the two of you should work around it and compromise. Specific times / days that he can play, and expect to be left alone. "Leave daddy alone while he's gaming" is perfectly acceptable. It would be the same instruction if he were studying, or if he had some other non-gaming hobby that required focus. I'm a programmer... and I try out new concepts at home and work on side business jobs. I can't be bothered when I'm trying to wrap my head around some of these things.

When I was married, I had an office to do such things in and would just shut the door. To my thinking, its only a problem if you're not dedicating sufficient time to the people around you. No one should be expected to be at every beck and call.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

OP, I think if everything else is great, talk to him about your expectations about him not ignoring you and the child. 

I do have experience with this, even though I wouldn't consider my husband a "gamer" he can ignore his family for literally 5-8 hours straight sometimes. 5-8 HOURS.

Not only that, but he'll request things while he's playing, or when I request things, most of the time they get ignored, and then when he's done his playtime, he's too tired to do anything and usually falls asleep. 

I think 40 minutes is alright as long as it's not 40 minutes on 5 minutes off and then on again for 40 minutes...if you catch my drift. Tell him your expectations, your breaking point and then if he breaks that, it's on him. 

Much success to you both in life and your relationship! Message me if you ever want to talk!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

> Camille Paglia once wrote, “A woman simply is, but a man must become. Masculinity is risky and elusive. It is achieved by a revolt from woman, *and it is confirmed only by other men.*” Say what you want, but both Freudian psychologists and many anthropologists back this up.


Read this once on a blog as it discussed ‘new masculinity’ and specifically ‘the right of passage’. One thing all cultures have in common; Men need to be accepted by other men and validated as a ‘man’. In this modern age, particularly in western society, the traditional ways to find that prestige with other men are drying up. It’s often blamed on feminism, but that’s not fair either and another discussion. This is about gaming and what your guy probably gets out of it; Acceptance by other men.

Online gaming; I know you see it as anti-social… but to the guy, it isn’t. His team wants him, he’s unique, he’s special, and he’s better than those noobs he’s been wrecking all night (usually other men). When he’s doing this, he’s a hero… Not a diaper changer, not a homemaker, not a father, not any of those normal and regular things that need doing. He is simply dominating others and feeling more like a man by just doing that. 

So his ‘man stuff’ needs to be balanced with the realities of his non-heroic regular life. 40 minutes isn’t bad… It refreshes his ego so he doesn’t just feel like ‘everybody else’… Other guys hunt, golf, race cars in a circle, tackle projects, play sports, or whatever… All of it is really about bragging rights to tell other men. We don’t do it for the girls… We do it so other men won't call us girls. 

So maybe with that added perspective, it won’t bother you as much?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

This thread makes me want to go home and play more RedDead...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This thread makes me want to go home and play more RedDead...


lol... I'm currently sucked into Dark Souls II. BFH (big f'n hammer... anvil on a stick ) and virtual bad guys getting smashed into the ground is abnormally so satisfying....


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Racer said:


> lol... I'm currently sucked into Dark Souls II. BFH (big f'n hammer... anvil on a stick ) and virtual bad guys getting smashed into the ground is abnormally so satisfying....


I got that for free w/gold but haven't attempted it yet. I'll get there...eventually


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, another funny... My son, and some gaming buddies, have always questioned my choice of picking a female character. My response was simply that if I'm going to spend hours upon hours staring at the back side of a toon, it should be something I'm attracted to. Now my son is paranoid about his male character and what it says about him... So easy to mess with teenage boys.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, and that hauls around to the "right of passage" thing. I game with my two sons (and daughter on occasion). Beating their father is quite the 'event' for them. Slaughtering me miserably is a tale that is repeated for weeks around the house and family....


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Racer said:


> Read this once on a blog as it discussed ‘new masculinity’ and specifically ‘the right of passage’. One thing all cultures have in common; Men need to be accepted by other men and validated as a ‘man’. In this modern age, particularly in western society, the traditional ways to find that prestige with other men are drying up. It’s often blamed on feminism, but that’s not fair either and another discussion. This is about gaming and what your guy probably gets out of it; Acceptance by other men.
> 
> \


Though maybe a little off topic, this book addresses the specific right of passage issues lacking in modern society. It is a Jungian take on understanding the ups and downs of various archetypes that we can settle in or even get stuck in.

Amazon.com: King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine eBook: Robert Moore, Doug Gillette: Kindle Store


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It comes back to: Normally, they are at everyone else's mercy. Do your homework, do your chores, how are your grades?, etc. To knock their father on his virtual butt is empowering. It raises their ego, sometimes even getting really c0cky about it. Their day is brighter magically. They know what it's like to be the hero, to gain that bit of respect and to know they are better than me at 'this'.... even if it's not taking place in the "real world" (particularly in Mom's eyes), those emotions are real enough for them and translate into the real world. We share that memory and story... 

Might as well picture me and my offspring pounding our chest and relating tales of heroic deeds around the campfire while the girls do whatever it is girls do. The modern world is a funny place....


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Though maybe a little off topic, this book addresses the specific right of passage issues lacking in modern society. It is a Jungian take on understanding the ups and downs of various archetypes that we can settle in or even get stuck in.


It really is interesting... that blog is Mark Manson. He also goes along with the idea that this right of passage changes in cultures based on threats they might encounter.. So, in a modern society, because we lack that threat like starving if we can't hunt, or war, the system is jacked up on what it is to be a man.

This is where I see online gaming making huge headways. My sons, nephews, and their male friends... it's about body counts, getting past this boss, what system they are running, the tweeks to their computers, and playing those games all the cool kids have. It's how they compete with each other and bond as guys.

My daughter is nothing like that. It's also somewhat 'foreign' to me simply because when I was their age, parents practically kicked us out of the house. So it was how high you can get in that tree, how far you could jump your bike, and finding your little 'niche' where you claimed your bragging rights.

But as I got older, job, kids, wife, house, etc... I couldn't do those 'away' things to compete. Enter gaming... easy access, low cost, heroic moments. 

And I was one who took it too far. Nearly cost me my marriage.


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## DanaS (May 28, 2014)

Racer said:


> Oh, another funny... My son, and some gaming buddies, have always questioned my choice of picking a female character. My response was simply that if I'm going to spend hours upon hours staring at the back side of a toon, it should be something I'm attracted to. Now my son is paranoid about his male character and what it says about him... So easy to mess with teenage boys.


lol my husband always plays as a female character to. He says he finds it refreshing and more interesting to play as some warrior woman than some buffed up dude. He is currently playing through the Mass Effect games and is playing as femshep.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Racer said:


> So maybe with that added perspective, it won’t bother you as much?


Thanks Racer. I totally understand the social aspect of playing with his buddies online, no problems there. The issue I have predominantly is ignoring a child who constantly looks to him for acknowledgment..and that nothing can be done or no conversation can be had whatsoever when this game is being played. I know it's just about compromise and timing, which he said he'll make changes, so I'm sure it'll work out 

Dredd, thanks for the suggestions, I have nfi obviously so that's great lol :smthumbup:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My wife has always enjoyed videogaming in spite of the fact that I am not much of a gamer...but I enjoyed watching her play console games.

MMO's on the other hand...I take issue. Wife started to get bored with the scripted nature of the games, particularly RPGs which she preferred. I suggested an MMO, because I had friends who raved about them...but I didn't expect my wife to get sucked in the way she did.

MMO's are very isolating...as you try to advance in the game, you practically have to dedicate a lot of time of crafting your character and specialty in order to be useful to a guild/team. Wife got sucked into World of Warcraft and began to invest more time (and lots of $$) into the game. THEN she started to get more demanding of her privacy, irritable towards me, and just losing all sense of priority. I started to get very jealous...especially as she stayed on it all of the time...barely sleeping...staying up way late and getting up very early. It wouldn't be much later that she was having inappropriate relationships with the other gamers. After marriage fell apart, she quit and restarted gaming several times. Gaming helped her unwind, so she left WOW for Guild Wars 2, but ran into the same traps with EAs. By then I didn't care anymore. But she quit on her own accord, realizing she was running her life into the ground...and that the people she gamed with, she knew she would NEVER associate with in RL...as it seemed to be more and more the case that her guildies were completely high or intoxicated all of the time. 

My scenario is an extreme, worst-case scenario...but it did start from my wife being unable to set limits and myself not knowing how to confront her when I was feeling like her priorities were slipping.

I don't blame the game, I blame my wife's addictive nature, but at the same time, you will not meet the achievements or get in with other gaming peers unless you dedicate SIGNIFICANT time on an MMO. And the hours slip by as if they were 5 minutes.

In the book Love Busters...the author mentions that one of the things that will subtract from one's "love bank" is when a spouse continues in a behavior that annoys us. Annoying behaviors, sure is hard to demonize because on the outside it is benign, but still it bothers and needles at us to the point that it causes us to have some resentment. It just is what it is...and no matter how we try to minimize it or others tell us that it is not a big deal...it still does not cease to BUG THE HELL OUT OF US. And guess what? Yes, our spouse has the right to play a game...and yes, we have THE RIGHT to be irritated about it...to the point that we can call it a dealbreaker. I just hate when advice lean towards minimization. Every person's story is different and often requires a different prescription.

Nothing wrong with gaming, but there is something wrong with gaming so much that children are being ignored. Don't wait until you blow up, so you can be easily villainized by your husband...and the issues gets rug-sweeped because you feel guilty for losing your cool. Confront your husband in love and state your concerns, being bold about your expectations, but at the same time allowing him the freedom to work with you in a solution that you can both "enthusiatically agree." Don't allow either of you to feel like you got the short end of the stick...but at the same time, BE CLEAR about your needs on this issue...because if you don't, you will grow quietly resentful over time, you will feel less sexual towards him and you will start to withdraw from him emotionally...and he won't notice because he will just fill the vacuum with more gaming time.

This can be an easy solution if you choose to confront it now.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

PBear said:


> What would you do if he was a runner, and was gone for an hour run each day? He'd be unavailable and out of communication as well, but likely that would be acceptable? I imagine as well that if you really needed him, he'd put down his controller...
> 
> Maybe he could play after the child is in bed, though?
> 
> C


Can't see this the same way. Running is good for the body and thus life. Gaming is... well, not. Just two dimensional. And if you are a runner and have a toddler, you can take them for a run with you. If you are gamer and have a toddler, the kid may be allowed to be in the same space as you until you are done, but maybe not. And there's no good reason you are ignoring the child except I'm playing a game that's more important than you and my wife/gf. Get used to it, less important people. I'm gaming here.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't get what's the appeal with MMOs really, sure it's more "social" then singleplayer games but I play for the story / adventure and it's tough when random people walk by and go "ZOMG FKING NOOB" to break the immersion.

Besides, I need a pause button when gaming. Have to be oncall 24/7 for work not to mention my other responsibilities.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I use to play a big MMORPG. And it was difficult, but I did eventually quit. Mostly because as I kept playing, I thought what was I really accomplishing? 
Wasn't as much fun as other games. 
There was no real end to it either. 
And it wasn't telling me a story, or taking me on an adventure to live out. 
It was just...almost like busty work looking back on it. 

So I managed to get myself to stop playing it. 

Perhaps try pointing that out to him. I stopped my online gaming because I just didn't see the point of any of it. I still game, I just tend to do more RPG's based games, that are not online, have a set story, and actually end after 20-50 hours of gameplay. 

But you can't nag him out of playing video games. I would almost say it is like an addiction. 
Either you'll nah him so much he dumps you for it, or he just sneaks away and does it in the middle of the night when you're asleep, or when you're not around. Same thing with smoking. He has to want to change/quit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anomnom said:


> I asked him yesterday if that could be the compromise, to not play LoL until after little one goes to bed, then at least he will never feel ignored/neglected. He is actually a runner and has other outside interests..just that when he's gaming he's sitting in the same room as us but completely unavailable for long periods of time. *It's not just 40 mins..it's hours*, with a slight break between games..40 is the block of time he's in the zone so to speak, game over spell is broken but then new game commences.
> 
> 
> Almost exactly what I said to him yesterday! I really don't have a problem with the gaming in general, just this all consuming one that he can't walk away or stop at will one. I'll suggest the other ones mentioned on here



How many house a day is it? 

How many hours a day is he spending with just you? 

Is he going to work?

Does he do 50% around the house?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I used to be an extreme gamer when Mrs CuddleBug and I first got married and moved it together but that was due to major stress issues. Now, today, I still game but not nearly as much and I spend more time landscaping, fixing up our place, playing with kitty and doing things with my wifee. Gone are the days of gaming until 3am, going to bed for a few hours, work 9 hours, come home, nap and game again.

And Mrs.CuddleBug knows if she wants cuddling and sex, just sneak in the computer room, start getting me worked up and bam, I'm out of the computer room so fast.......and no more computer for the evening and night.

Today, I might game for 1 - 2 hours after work to un stress and that's it.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How many house a day is it?
> How many hours a day is he spending with just you?
> Is he going to work?
> Does he do 50% around the house?


Varies depending on weekday or weekend. Average is a few hours a night but he can have long 8 hour sessions sometimes! He works full time. Since our discussion he doesn't turn the computer on til after lil one's in bed which is great. I do most of the house stuff because I only work part time so am home a lot more but he does contribute so that's not an issue.

Thanks for everyone's input, much appreciated


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I'm a gamer.

I also dated one recently.

I'd forgo my games if it meant going out with a girl. She wouldn't do the same for me, Fridays were off limits as it was Raid Night with her WoW guild. So instead of being out together on a date, I got text messages about the awesome loot she just picked up. 

I suppose there's subsets of gamers, based on where their priorities lie. My thinking is that the game will still be waiting when you come back from romantic fun. Online stuff complicates things a bit because there's other players, but even so...

To the OP: 40 minutes is nothing. I bet there's something you enjoy doing you'd like to be able to do uninterrupted for 40 minutes. The longer sessions might need some planning ahead of time (I used to tell my ex that I was racing or shooting or whatever ahead of time so she'd know)


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I was once a pretty avid gamer, as was my ex H (probably still is). PC, had all consoles, etc. I preferred mmos for a while. My ex used to regularly ignore me in favor of his computer. 

We actually met playing online, so gaming became a bit of a trigger for me and I quit completely from anything online for about 5 years now. If I play it's only SP, 2-3 hours per month as I'm no longer interested in sitting behind a screen more than I already do. 

I dated two men after my divorce, both big gamers, and realized that I need to avoid dating men who only game in their downtime. Guess I'm just all done with that at this point in my life and would rather go out.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Ok here we go.....

First, 40 minutes is nothing. I thought you were going to say he played from the time he got home to the time he went to bed. 40 minutes is absolutely nothing...thats not even how long most people watch a tv show for.

Second, no one will ever convince me videogames are bad for you. Videogames have saved my life. When I was a teen and the world was coming down on me, the only thing that kept me going was my Sega Genesis. I felt I had absolutely nothing to live for, look forward to, or any reason to wake up in the morning. I never turned to drugs, I never did anything wrong, and the only reason I didnt end it all was because I loved playing my games. Its all I had and it kept me going when nothing else could.

My stepson was a gamer until about 6 months ago. He was one of those kids who didnt like to go outside and could play all day. My wife got on his ass about not playing all day and he needs to go out and make friends. Now I'm not saying thats bad, but ask my wife which version of her son she prefers now. He stopped playing games and started skating. This perfect gamer kid is now a skater who I just busted for stealing money out of my wallet, smoking, and texting a drug dealer. 

As you can probably tell, I love gaming and I'm 40. I dont play as much as I used to due to lack of time, but I still very much love it as much as I did when I was younger. When I first moved in with my wife, I was playing a game like what the OPs husband was. It was an MMO game and there is no pause and I just cant get up and walk away at any moment. I continued playing that game for a few months after until you come to realize you just cant anymore due to the amount of time they demand.

My best friend and I constantly joke about our wives hatred of gaming. We could clean the entire house, wash the cars, take the dogs for the walk, and work all day, but the second we pick up a controller we hear "thats all you do is play games all day".
Either that or we joke about how an hour of gaming is frowned upon by the very women that spend an hour watching the Kartrashians or whatever other "reality" show.


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## reedsawyer (Jun 23, 2014)

My husband and I used to game together, and I mean MMORPG types that last longer than LoL match. Both of us have fallen out of it for the most part (I log on occasionally to chat with people when he's not around and as he is out of town I have more time). But there were times when he would still play for hours a day and I'd sit next to him and watch tv, just look over and say 'hey' and wait for him to finish. It was hard for sure, you think "Why does he want to play this game more than talk to me?" but I have issues with being clingy so I just have to tell myself that. Have you considered trying to play with him after your child sleeps? Maybe it'd be a fun activity for you both to do.

But.... suggesting he plays a single player game is like giving cookies to a person who asks for pizza. Cookies are nice, but if you want to eat pizza, it isn't the same.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I used to be a big gamer in my 20s....

OP, since you said your relationships is great, your only worry is TIME.

How much time does he play games vs be with family. Keep track of it and see the balance.

In general, he should be spending minimum 50% of your free time with you, up to 75%+. Personally I spend about 95%+ with my wife/family.

Monitor it for few weeks and see what the balance is. Talk to him if it's swayed more towards gaming vs your relationship/family.

Sometimes we need a reminder. 

I will say that my wife didn't do that, and I have/used to spend WAY too much time gaming vs being a husband/father.

Thankfully I have a complete distaste for games now days. Mostly due to companies trying to minimize games they sell you and selling you more crap that the game should've came with to begin with down the line aka "DLC". Like maps for example, most PC games int he past, you used to be able to create your own maps etc. Now they come out with a game with 9 maps, and they sell you 4 more for 20 bucks.

Are you kidding me? 

Same for weapons/units etc. Those that pay have an advantage, while company is laughing all the way to the bank.

I simply refuse to play anymore, but when I do it's mostly older games (original COD:United Offensive, Day of Defeat, Red Orchestra etc).


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Also keep in mind some games, particularly old World of Warcraft are flat out designed to keep you online. The grinding over and over so you can craft something necessary to access certain content. The social aspect so you have guild that 'needs' you on the raid (and gives you a false sense of importance and responsibility to those internet strangers). I avoid games like that like the plague. 

@ DoF: Agreed on most the DLC stuff… they are just trying to milk the game for the most money. I also hate the ‘unlock’ stuff; basically upgraded equipment when you put in time and ‘earn’ them. It’s another sucker play to keep you online..


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

If he spends more than 2 hours a night I'd say it's a bit of a problem. I'm a gamer and I usually play around 40-1.5 hours on days that I do play. If my wife isn't home I could easily spend 3 hours on it but I try to limit it when she's around. 
Imo being unavailable for 40 minutes isn't a big deal but if he has 5 or 6 sessions on any given day, then it is.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Anyone ever just not feel like going to work and instead stayed home and gamed literally ALL day? 

no? just me ? 

ok


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Anyone ever just not feel like going to work and instead stayed home and gamed literally ALL day?
> 
> no? just me ?
> 
> ok


I have taken days off just to play. And the horrible father I am, I have called a child in sick to school, we've gone together to buy a game on the release day, and spent the whole day playing it together.... Mom gets furious (it melts though when she see's him beaming and rambling on about that special day).


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Anyone ever just not feel like going to work and instead stayed home and gamed literally ALL day?
> 
> no? just me ?
> 
> ok


I was never good at using up all my vacation days so sometimes I'd just book a day off and spend it playing games, yes. 

The usual plan was get up, check emails, go to the sandwich shop on the corner to grab lunch, stop into the store next door to it for some beer, then start the afternoon festivities.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Racer said:


> I have taken days off just to play. And the horrible father I am, I have called a child in sick to school, we've gone together to buy a game on the release day, and spent the whole day playing it together.... Mom gets furious (it melts though when she see's him beaming and rambling on about that special day).


:rofl:

Man, wish I had a dad like that


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> First, 40 minutes is nothing. I thought you were going to say he played from the time he got home to the time he went to bed. 40 minutes is absolutely nothing...thats not even how long most people watch a tv show for.


I've said a few times it's not just 40 mins..it's *blocks* of 40mins complete unavailability to talk or stand up, go out, do anything..it's a few games in a row which is a couple/a few hours at a time. If I'm not home he could easily play for 10 hours!

Since our talk he's been awesome though and he's read this thread so has seen what everyone says about the importance of family time and one on one time. Unbelievably this morning he also said to me that the game (LoL) is starting to annoy him! Horah! :smthumbup:


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## Outside Perspective (Jul 21, 2014)

I'm a lifelong gamer, 32 years now. I love games as much now as I did when I was younger, heck maybe even more considering the advances in tech and graphics. Plus must consoles are enterntainment hubs you can use for the centre of your media centre in your living room. 

Anyway, I was just chiming in to say that I still game a TON, but only when able. If I have other obligations, family commitments, things to do with the wife or basically any other logical priority that should go ahead of gaming, then I attend to those things and do so without any whining or pouting that I'm not getting a chance to game. Granted, if there is a game I am looking forward to coming out, then generally my wife doesn't get upset if I "hibernate" on it for a few days, but after that its back to normal! lol

All this said, my real saving grace is that I'm like a big damn kid, so on the weekends I usually stay up until 4-5 in the morning, basically attending to my gaming urges for a good 7-8. Only sucks when I have to get up early the next day!

I'd say unless it is interfering with "planned" activities or time to be spent together (quality time) then let the dude play! And if it is an issue, maybe ask for a limit on how much he plays, and then you won't get frusterated trying to interact with him during the alloted "gaming" time.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Another Lifelong gamer here.

It took my wife some time to accept gaming as a worthwhile hobby instead of a waste of time. Eventually she did and it seemed to relieve a lot of her frustration.

From the start, I made it clear that she was paramount. If she needed me, I would drop what I was doing and come running. I am always good about this.

We have a good balance of individual time and couples time. She is fabulous at defending my individual time from interruption (kids, phone, door, etc.). I return the favor and protect her time.

There have been moments when we weren't balancing the time as well as we could. We would usually resolve those easily with "I need to cuddle on the couch" or "I need an hour to catch my breath".


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Big Tree said:


> Another Lifelong gamer here.
> 
> It took my wife some time to accept gaming as a worthwhile hobby instead of a waste of time. Eventually she did and it seemed to relieve a lot of her frustration.
> 
> ...





You hit the jack pot Big Tree not many woman are willing to budge on seeing gaming as worthwhile hobby


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personally I don't mind see the issue that people have with gaming as long as it doesn't distract from their other responsibilities. 

MMOs however are quite notorious in this. While looking for games for my daughter I once encountered a kid-friendly MMO (forgot its name) - errr, no thanks!


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

For about 12 years we had to deal with S21 gaming. Every game system there ever was, plus computer games etc...

Then I dropped over $100K to send him to college to major in Game Art and 3D Animation...

So I am not one to talk...He has a BS now in his field!!


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Having recently taken up gaming myself it is definitely a stress reliever. My S is into Leagues too and he one of the brightest kids. I think if he is taking an hour out to play it's better than a lot of other things that he could be doing, but if it bothers you maybe you should ask him to play it after the kids go to bed.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Butterfly1014 said:


> Having recently taken up gaming myself it is definitely a stress reliever. My S is into Leagues too and he one of the brightest kids. I think if he is taking an hour out to play it's better than a lot of other things that he could be doing, but if it bothers you maybe you should ask him to play it after the kids go to bed.


My kids were game addicts. As I said the older one is now a professional Game Artist. One of his advisors in College was the lead artist in Emoire Earth, the other was the develope of Guitar HERO.

THE COURSE WERE NOT ONLY ART BUT LOTS OF ENGINEERING AND PROGRAMMING. He also had to take a year of anatomy and physiology. There is a lot of animation even in the medical field.

Now the first day of class freshman year his first professor said " if you think this major, or development or game programming or even design but especially Art is about playing video games , you should leave the room and change majors immediately.

He sometimes takes close to 100 hours to animate and develop a 3D Character .

I believe if it was not for the focus he picked up playing these games he could never have done this.

Truth is I myself never play!


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

My wife and I were both gamers before we got married. We didn't intentionally give it up, just that others became more important to us.

However, we both still enjoy gaming. We have some games that we play individually, but we've both found that unless each of us is in the mood to be "alone together" in the same room, we'd rather play some multiplayer game with each other. No MMOs, but games like Mario Kart or Super Smash Bros, etc. 

Add alcohol to it, maybe even invite some friends over, and it's a great way IMO to get gaming to enhance your marriage. It's not for everyone, of course, but we really enjoy it.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I play world of tanks and each match is 15 minutes tops with the average game only 5-6 minutes. You can play for free or pay to advance thru the tank levels faster. I play for free only. Once the battle is over, you can leave the game open with everything in the "garage" until you are ready to battle again.
My reason for playing WoT is simple. Cable TV sucks and I got a big wake up call when I went to search for a couple episodes I had missed on TV, online. What was a 1/2 hour show on TV was 8 minutes online with all the commercials removed, an hour show about 20 minutes. That's 2/3rds commercials you're wasting time watching....eat me Cable TV!
I have a bad back so in the evening after *all is done *I sit on an ice pack and play WoT until I'm ready to go to bed.
The game does allow players to "platoon" with up to 2 others, I play with my dad and a guy at work occasionally. You can also go into a training room to learn the maps and practice against each other which can be fun


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

badcompany said:


> I have a bad back so in the evening after *all is done *I sit on an ice pack and play WoT until I'm ready to go to bed.


Just out of interest, but when are you ready for bed? A normal time or when you're super tired? I couldn't play something intense like WoT as I'd be too stimulated to sleep, I tend to play a relaxing flight/train simulator or something like Minecraft where there's less action and pressure.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Both my husband and I are gamers. I'd be embarrassed to say how many games we both came into the marriage with. In fact my birthday was last week, and he bought me a Wii U.

I don't see any problem with it unless it is disrupting other parts of your life, or you only game and don't have any other hobbies. We both have an active and healthy life outside of video games. And we don't play daily, or for hours and hours on end. 

It is something we both enjoy, and can do together.


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## Jakobi Greenleaf (Sep 19, 2012)

*Re: Re: Anyone a gamer..or with one?*



TheCuriousWife said:


> I don't see any problem with it unless it is disrupting other parts of your life,


This I think is the key. If you feel like he is prioritizing games over you, it's a problem. If he games for hours every day, but he is meeting your needs, the gaming isn't a problem. I have (no joke) more then 1000 video games on my phone. According to Steam I've logged about 800 hours on Borderlands 2. Almost all of that time has come while my wife was either sleeping or at work. Games are just that, games. I sold my collection of magic cards to buy an engagement ring. Magic is a game, and wanting my wife to be my wife isn't. It's all a matter of priorities.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

FWIW, I'm a gamer and lucky for me so is my wife. Actually we spend a lot of our free time gaming together on games like borderlands or battlefield.

That said, it's a hobby just like any other. There are plenty of hobbies he could be into where he wouldn't be paying attention to you or the little one while he's doing it.

I used to do competitive shooting events as a hobby. Often 1-2 weekends a month I'd be gone. And it was expensive, with the cost of the event, travel, lodging, food, ammo, etc etc. It added up. My wife (then GF) understood, but I started going less and less because I didn't want to be away from her so often. 

I still go shooting 1-2 times a month. But it's a local range so the expenses are way less and there isn't any travel. It just takes a couple of hours instead of a whole weekend.

People have hobbies. I'm sure the OP has hers as well.

It seems to me the hobby itself isn't the problem its the ignoring of the little one. Personally I think it's okay if there is a period of time where one parent is unavailable to the kid as long as the other parent is available and both of them do spend plenty of time overall with the kid. But that's just me.


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## Jakobi Greenleaf (Sep 19, 2012)

I've played a total of about 4 rounds of LOL, so not much experience on that front. I do however have plenty of experience with gaming with kids. I have a 3 year old. He likes to play with me, and my oldest. Any chance your kid (and boyfriend) would be okay with the kid "playing"? I have a couple of ps2 controllers plugged into the computer. My youngest is happy to have a controller in hand, even if it's not plugged in. . Bonding time for them, and quiet time for you?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I know how u feel. My wife was constantly on her ipad doing blackjack or words with friends with like 12 different relatives (yeah I checked once, they were all relatives). It drove me nuts.

One thing I did recently, I accidentally screwed up the wireless access point, and noticed she stopped using the ipad. Maybe I wont work on fixing it? I am enjoying her undivided attention! LOL

btw I can see getting engrossed in a game. they are addictive.

BTW, if you are into first person shooter games, get out to a real shooting range. Games are fun, but nothing like shooting the real thing! And you can bring your spouse along there!


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> And you can bring your spouse along there!


You can bring your spouse along in games too. My wife and I play Battlefield 4 together about 15-20 hours a week.


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## running1932 (May 22, 2013)

I find gaming very addicting. League is one of those addicting type games and can relate to completely unavailable when playing, and one 40 minute game quickly becomes 5 hours of gaming...

A lot of time gaming can be a form of escape - may want to look into this.

Is this affecting other parts of your life together or other areas of his life, i.e. is he an addict?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm a gamer, not as often as I used to but I can offer my perspective.

It's more than possible that he doesn't feel responsible for your child and since you are in control and it's not his kid that he can have his free time. When someone else is watching my kids that's kind of how I feel.

That being said, when I had kids of my own, first, I had to stop playing games where I couldn't immediately walk away from them. Second, when I have the responsibility of the kids, I obviously can't play.

However, I do have several friends that couldn't make that separation and it caused serious problems in their relationship. Example, woman is always downstairs watching the kids, husband is always up stairs playing games.

I would set up some expectations that you both can live with and see if he can stick to it. 40 minutes doesn't sound so long. As someone else said, if he had another hobby you would expect him to be out for that long as well right?

If you can't agree, yes I definitely think that could be a dealbreaker. ANY resentment or issue you have before you get married will get 10x worse after a few years, multiply that 10x more if you have kids.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My x-wife was a gamer.
It ruined our marriage on a few levels.
Of course it was WOW.

It started small but she soon got very into it and it became the same thing all the time. Wake up. 45 minutes doing dailie4s and auction house. Then off to work. She came home got on and played, then I brought her dinner, then she went back on. She used to “do work” while she was playing. In the meantime, I was taking care of the kids.

Straw that broke the camel’s back was when my kids came all the way out to the garage because they were hungry and my wife was too busy gaming to cook.
My number one rule at that point became that all of my games had a pause button.

It continued up til the very end of our marriage when she would go hide in her little world and conspire with her online friends. 
Im pretty certain there was an EA going on there as well.

If you can blow an entire weekend gaming now and it’s the beginning of your relationship…then it will be very easy to let it slide into Oblivion in the future when the shine wears off.

You have been warned.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> If you can blow an entire weekend gaming now and it’s the beginning of your relationship…then it will be very easy to let it slide into Oblivion in the future when the shine wears off.


Yeah, I know people who've sunk hundreds of hours into playing Oblivion. One guy's fiancee actually recognized the music because she'd heard it so much as he spent hours enchanting stuff in the Arcane University.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

But Oblivion and Skyrim are SO good


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I've said here before but my husband's gaming has been an on and off issued our entire marriage. 

Two years ago was the last time I had to have another talk with him about how much he was playing. He was playing his normal game on his desktop and some other stupid, time sucking game on his phone. He was also taking his dinner into his man cave to continue his playing. Fortunately, he deleted that game from his phone right away and now he eats dinner with us.

He still stays up late to play though. The other night he came to bed late. I'm not sure how late, I was asleep. When alarm went off at 6am, I had to get up to get the kids ready for the 1st day of school. He wants to have sex. Sorry dude, you should have tried last night.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> But Oblivion and Skyrim are SO good


:iagree:

Both husband and I have both spent hundreds of hours on Skyrim and Pokemon. 

But no problems with gaming here. It is not the #1 thing in our lives. It is just a fun hobby, which we both share.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Both husband and I have both spent hundreds of hours on Skyrim and Pokemon.
> 
> But no problems with gaming here. It is not the #1 thing in our lives. It is just a fun hobby, which we both share.


Same here. 

Pro-tip: Drunk Mario Kart Wii U is an awesome couples activity


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> Same here.
> 
> Pro-tip: Drunk Mario Kart Wii U is an awesome couples activity


Played it together last night, along with Pikmin.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lol... early in our reconciliation we weren't really on speaking terms. But did Wii's Wii Fit and Biggest Loser together. Helped re-establish some bonding without words since we're both competitive.

And a funny... after a few drinks one night, we did strip Wii Fit and Wii Sports (if you lost the event, off came a piece of clothing)...


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Racer said:


> And a funny... after a few drinks one night, we did strip Wii Fit and Wii Sports (if you lost the event, off came a piece of clothing)...


Oh man, there's an infamous video of a young lady playing Wii Bowling sans clothing. All I'll say is she nearly gives herself a black eye when she jumps up and down in celebration at a strike


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The hula-hoop one is particularly funny with either gender..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> My x-wife was a gamer.
> It ruined our marriage on a few levels.
> Of course it was WOW.
> 
> ...


Ok, I am gonna jump in here, in defense of WoW. First off, it isn't the fault of the game. It is the fault of the person playing. This is with any game, actually. If one is getting so immersed in the game, in the fantasy, then yea, it needs to be cut off. I speak from experience here. My husband and I both played WoW for years, together. We were often in the same guilds together, quested together, raided, did dungeons, etc. Yea, our marriage nearly ended... but not because WoW was to blame. We quit playing for 2 years, and just started playing again, but with stipulations. The thing is, I cannot control what he does, nor how, nor when, nor where. Same with controlling me. But WoW comes after all the things I NEED to do each day. A far cry from before. And this time, I am using prepaid cards, rather than paying monthly with my debit card. If I cannot buy a game card, I don't play. The point I am trying to make is that the game is not to blame. There are plenty of gamers here who have their priorities straight... some of whom I consider to be friends.


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