# sunday night pity party...advice needed!



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

So H has been gone about 3.5 weeks and I was doing really well. The 180 was working, I actually had moments of relief that perhaps I was getting out of a relationship that never quite fit right. I was strong and happy.

But GEEZ weekends are hard!! I started to feel sad this morning and now by Sunday night I'm pretty miserable. Weekends are such a family time and it's hard to find things to do...oh, I mean I can take the kids on outings but I'm just finding it so lonely for me, for some adult company. My girlfriends are all in relationships and Saturdays seem to be designated date nights.

Any advice on how to deal with the weekend loneliness? Once I get into a spiral its hard to get out. I really really hate self pity but once I start to feel sad I quickly slip into "why has my relationship failed and everyone else's are so successful? Why do these things happen to me?" Yuck!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh God you sound like me. Ive had a terrible weekend. H left 2&1/2 months ago and ive had one okay weekend. I spent my weekend trying to shake the self doubt thoughts out of my head. I hats it because my kids d23 s20 s14 try so hard to make me forget.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Try to watch something on Tv that will make you laugh. That's what finally broke me out of my blues this weekend


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thanks, kind of glad to know I'm not alone.
My kids are both really little, 3 and 11 months. So it isn't like I have a wild and crazy social life anyways....but it's so hard!: and I find myself wondering/stressing about what H is up to.
I hope tomorrow gets better. I was doing so well!!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Get yourself an Xbox 360! 

Get something that will take up the majority of your alone downtime so you don't even remember what you're worried about. An Xbox360 and a mere 2 or 3 rental games a month and you'll find yourself going to bed wondering what you forgot to cry about. 

Just make sure you don't put off exercise, your kids, or eating well if get your game on for a while.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

My son loves his x box and I just got him a years membership to x box live for $44. You are not alone you can always jump on here when the kiddies aren't taking up your time. I'm pretty sure ill be here too. I know exactly what you"re talking about. The first few weeks I made myself physically sick thinking about what he was up to. Those thoughts have subsided but now I just feel sad. I just feel loss and like you said once I get into a spiral I have a hard time snapping out of it. You should try to start a weekend tradition for you & your kids. In my house Sunday dinner was "the thing" in our house. Now me & the kids take turns making dinner & we all eat together. I know your kids are young but find something and make it yours. You can build new memories that way.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I have monthly potluck dinners with three girlfriends, their husbands and their kids. Even though I'm single with no kids, my friends are a great support and playing with their kids is fun for me. I thought I would feel left out being the only single one, but because I get along well with the husbands too and no one is touchy-feely since the kids are running around, it isn't awkward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Remodel something, make cookies for the neigbors, walk a dog even if it isnt yours, go outside and get some air whenever you are feeling shut in, sun and fresh air is always good, plan play dates for your kids on the weekend, do crafts with all the neighbor kids, throw a party, get a big ass piece of paper and easle and paint something even if you suck, go to the dollar store and get some books on science experiments and silly jokes, try to write a new punchline for every joke.

Now get busy. You have lots to do.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

If you have young kids it's tough. I recommend trying Meetup.com and seeing if there are any support groups for separated/divorced groups and/or mothers with young kids. I've seen everything on there from that sort of thing to people who love dogs, social meetups and ones for specific activities like yoga, hiking, kayaking, basketweaving, etc. 

I play World of Warcraft online on my computer. It's a great game as long as you don't get too addicted.  I played it with both my kids for years and I still play it with my daughter when she's home from college

If you don't have a hobby then get one! There must be something like you like doing! Take the kids out for walks, read a good book and do anything you can to take your mind off your relationship. The first few months of a separation are indeed the hardest. Good luck and stay the course with the 180. It WILL get better.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I had just posted in the "considering divorce" forum a thread asking for advice about coping with loneliness during a separation or divorce. I had been separated for 13 months and probably the worst part of it was the loneliness. It was really tough. I was able to get more comfortable with it but just coming home on a Friday night and hearing the deafening silence was very difficult. I hated the pity party I threw myself sometimes. I was asking because it looks like a divorce is again a real possibility for me and the thought of going through that loneliness again is a bit intimidating.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I get me some videos from redbox that I normally pass on when my wife and I would mutually choose movies.

Then I order a pizza, get a six pack of blue moon.
If I have kids that weekend I play with them a bit, settle them down and then begin my weekend relaxation/ deprogramming.

Come Sunday, I scour the Internet for events I would like to try, classes I would like to take and such.

Just do whatever you like to do and turn it into a big event.
Bubble baths, glass of wine, swearing at your neighbors from the window,etc...

Then sit back and enjoy.
Come Sunday, start making a plan for what you want to do in the near future.
Meetup.com and such. Research things that the new you will be doing.

That's all I got. Good luck


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

How are you doing today? Hope your day is starting off better. Keep your head up. Its a new week. Do something to keep your mind off of the things that cause you stress. My cousin who is a psychologist tells me positive imaging is a powerful tool. Picture good things for you and picture yourself getting rid of the stress (WH) in your life. she recomened I picture myself flushing him & all his drama down the toilet & closing the lid. Since shes my cousin she could tell me that. It made me laugh. I'm sure professionally she'd recommend a more professional visualization. Lol!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thanks for the suggestions, all. Really appreciate it!!

Small steps, I am better today. I've got a lot of fun things planned for during the week, which I've been trying to so since he left. I just really realized how small my social circle had gotten!! Most of my friends are young parents and so Fri and sat night activities don't really seem to be happening....but I like the suggestion of making a list of new activities and researching groups to join. I am going to try that on Friday.

How are YOU doing today? Better I hope!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Better for the most part thank you. Got in touch with an old friend I knew since we were 12 but had lost touch like 25 years ago. It was nice catching up with him but then had a mini meltdown around 3. You know- after he left I realized the same thing. I had 2 really close friends from my recent "life" (being 44 and moved to another state 10 yrs ago ive had different phases of my life) that have stood by me. I met them when my youngest started kindergarten. We text & go to breakfast every couple of weeks. What I have been doing is getting in touch with a lot of my friends from when I was growing up. We already had one get together and it was great. Some are married some are not (the sad thing is there are more unmarried than married in this group) but its been nice to know we can pick up where we left off 25 yrs ago. Sounds like you are doing better today. I'm happy for you. We'll all get through this together!!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I must admit, I am working so hard to not be miserable and get into a funk...but I am 29 and have a lot of friends just recently married or new parents. And it makes me feel a bit cranky. I am not anti-marriage, or down with love or anything, but I'm not sure hanging around happily married people is really what I need right now. Haha! If that makes sense....but I'm at an age where single pals are few and far between, so where does that leave me? I'm so thankful for this board-maybe we can check in here on the weekends to give gentle "cheer ups!" It's hard to know I don't really have people to see movies or go to concerts with...things H and I always enjoyed doing together. 

There is a single mom support group in my area that I'd like to join. I've been reluctant because I'm a bit shy, but I can't post on here whining about being lonely and then hide inside like a hermit!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No its not good for you. My sister in law wanted me to go over to my brother & her house for his b-day 4 weeks after H left. She was having her family over who are all married successful & happy. I said thanks but I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't be around them. I had a cake for him at my house for him with his wife & kids and our family. I was able to deal with the night out because it was a mix of single & marrieds and it was almost 8 weeks later. 
A single mom support group is an excellent idea. Even if your shy you'll be fine. Just go! It cant hurt to try it. These are all people who are going through what you're going through so no one is judging you. I guess that's what they mean by working on yourself - doing something that will help us grow. We can absolutly check in on the weekends so we don't get into the downward spiral. Nothing wrong with hanging out on these boards when we need to talk!


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Mrs.G. - how are you doing?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Wow, I forgot how depressing the weekends were following my wife moving out. I was a mess until I restarted my social life. Festivals, football games, volunteering and working at my church all helped me not focus on the lost normal weekend activities.

Thanks for giving me a neat perspective on how much better I am today compared to 4 months ago. Get out there everyone. Live your life and break the grip of lonliness, depression and pain.

We can all do it!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I count on that every day Zappy.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you Zappy and Stretch for the encouragement. I am very hopeful I can improve things soon, I am going to take baby steps every weekend and see what I can do that makes me feel good.
Zappy, I get where you are coming from and I will send you all the good vibes you need to start feeling better.

Smallsteps, have continued to do well this week! Am feeling very encouraged because I saw H yesterday and he played his usual mind games but when he left instead of melting in a puddle of confusion I was actually able to just laugh it off. I was SO proud of myself!! When I feel happy with my behaviours and actions it makes a WORLD of difference. 

How are you doing today? Hope you are well....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That is so great! It means you are moving above him and his games. Now you can build from there. Its one day at a time - one step at a time. My friend was the first one to tell me that and she was so right!
I had a much better day today but yesterday was horrible. Just let my mind run away with me and couldn't get control of it. My sister in law happened to call just at the right time & talked me out of it. Then I watched Tv with the kids & I found a thread on here that probably could have been sad but they were a nice group of people & the thread took a different turn so I ended up smiling.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Haha well maybe, I take it one day at a time....I'm seeing him again tomorrow and I am going into it confident but I've also promised myself not to beat myself up if I get upset about things he says/does. I am just going to try ans hang on to the good feeling I get when I am confident and brave 

Glad to hear you have a SIL who you can talk to. That is SO key I think. I'm sorry yesterday sucked for you, but I'm glad today was much better!! Fingers crossed the good feelings continue into tomorrow!! Let me know how it goes!

What thread were you reading? I always like good pick me up discussions.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well go into it tomorrow knowing you can handle it. If you slip its okay we all do but your doing well.
it was a thread about what do you miss most about your x. Somehow we ended up talking about our animals. The thread got a little melencholy today but it was fun last night & helped put me in a better mood.
Let me know how tomorrow goes.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Smallsteps and MrsG84 - I am very glad to see a smile on your faces. Please keep it up and always remember we are still better off from gazillion people because GOD has given us all the body parts and limbs so we don't have to depend on any one's suppport.
> 
> MrsG84 - Please try to salvage your marriage b/c you have 2 kids and it is very hard for kids to grow up without a father figure.
> 
> ...



Zappy, I would LOVE to salvage my marriage but H was the one who left and seems pretty content to be gone....there are suspected EA/PA situations and so it's a bit of a mess anyway. I started IC and he said he'd go too, but it's been 3 weeks and he has shown no interest. Aside from making sexual advances at me whenever he sees me, we aren't really working on much.

Small steps, my turn to have a bad day today!! H was a bit cold and distant which hasn't been his MO lately so that was a shock. Bugging me mercilessly about a guy I work with who he seems convinced I am screwing around with (this guy and I barely even speak, in reality). He was texting a new female friend from work, right in front of me. Seemed like he couldn't get away from me fast enough and gave me a very half-hearted hug when he left....it was SO opposite of how he had been acting lately that it really hurt my feelings.

Please tell me you have some good news to report!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm sorry things didn't go well for you. Even if he was acting like a jerk - you sounded like you held up okay in front of him so that's a plus for you- even if you were breaking up inside. I don't know what to make of him accusing you of screwing around except he may be covering what hes up to. That or maybe he didn't know what to make of your confidence last time he saw you so he resorted to childish games. So keep you confidence up no matter what he's up to - you're acting like the grown up.
as for me - not a great day - having some issues with my S20- seems he doesn't think I should still be so upset about this ( definetly has his fathers genes in him!) situation. I think my kids try to bury the real reason their dad left - something I cant forget - so now dad meets them once a week for less than an hour at an agreed on spot. But of course hes Mr nice guy -he has to be. So between that & the fact the kids want to forget about the OW aspect - everything is good for them so in their minds I should snap out of it.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I tried to but ended up saying things I didn't really love- making passive aggressive comments about the girl he was texting just like he was doing to me about my coworker. He left my house tonight saying he had to go home to "do work" and I knew that was a lie, and I made a lot of "yeah have fun 'working' tonight!!" comments, including a text after he left when I should have just let it be. Yuck. What is the opposite of the 180, because I did it tonight!!

I think you may be right, I think he is feeling threatened or jealous because of changes I am making. He has been making fun of my clothes (all brand new) my new job (that I had to get when he left because we'd agreed I was to be a SAHM so I was left a bit high and dry) and now this guy at work....I guess he just must be confused about why I am making all these changes?

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your kids. That is a tough situation ans of course they see things differently than we do....I hope you can continue to be strong!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Its okay. Look he was pushing your buttons - I cant blame you one bit.
It really sounds like hes insecure & threatened by your changes and that's his problem not yours. You're doing good things for yourself.
I know I'm going to go through different stages on this end - the kids were so angry at him when he left (lets face it they're older and knew what happened) I didn't think this would be an issue - at least this soon.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I just always worry about my behaviour ruining chances for R so I keep thinking that by me making those comments about this friends of his that I was just pissing him off....I have to remember that he was doing the same thing to me and I was trying to keep it in stride. In fact he jokingly tried to snatch my cell phone away from me to see who was texting me-when he'd rather set himself on fire than let me see HiS phone!! And I didn't get angry.

I'm sorry to hear that, I'm sure it's rough. The dynamics with older kids who can grasp the situation must be so tricky....I give you credit for trying to keep it together, that must be so hard emotionally.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't let him ruffle your feathers - sounds like you handled it well especially since you didn't get angry over the cell phone. If the 2 of you want to R you will be a stronger person going into it.
The advantage of older kids is I don't have to deal with him. Since D23 is an accountant I really don't have to deal with the money stuff either. For now were seperated & he gives me the money to run the house but I know that's not going to go on forever so I'll have to deal with him then. The drawback is I cant really control the situation - the kids have their own relationship with him which can be a little frightening.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thanks I hope so. He made a really gross comment to our baby about "do you want BOb to be your new daddy?" in reference to my coworker. He said it jokingly but that's a horrible joke....so when he said he was texting a "new friend" from work I made a snide comment to our baby about her being his new mommy. And H immediately said "no! Absolutely not!" But I've felt cruddy about that ever since. I was not on my best behaviour tonight at all.

That is a really tough situation. I feel a bit hurt when H's own friends and family side with him (how irrational!!) so I can't imagine what it would feel like for kids...sounds like you are being the best mom you can be, no matter what. It's hard to feel helpless in these situations, I hope at some point soon it hurts a bit less for you.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sometimes certain men dont think before they speak and you were just responding to him. Just make a mental note and next time you'll be ready when he makes a comment like that.
you know what the real kicked is in my WH's situation - he has no family except the kids. His parents are gone- hes an only child-and has no relationship with aunts uncles or cousins. If him & OW don't work out I don't know what he'll do. Not that I should care - its not my problem anymore.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oh smallsteps I do that ALL the time! I think you and I both know that it's not healthy, but it's so hard not to sit and wonder how this isn't all going to hit the fan for them at some point....and the vengeful side of me can't wait for that to happen. It's SO hard not to care, I'm sure you agree!! I find I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't my problem anymore. But between you and me, I bet at some point your H and my H will realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side!! And you and I can sit smugly and say "I told you so" and who knows? Maybe we will be in such a place of peace and happiness that we won't even feel tempted to take them back!! 

If I'm being honest, my H really hurt my feelings yesterday because I've kind of gotten used to him being a certain way when he sees me- very flirty and affectionate, always instigating sort of silly wrestling matches and trying to hug and kiss. It definitely fed my ego and yesterday he wasn't so much that way. Acted like he couldn't wait to get away from me, gave me the quickest hug on record when he left the house....I wish my happiness wasn't so entwined with how he treats me. But my counselor always reminds me that it's early days yet, it's normal for feelings to go all over the board.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I hope you are right about the first part. In the beginning I obsessed about his whole relationship exploding in his face & him wanting to come back. Heck 90% of the people who I told say that will end up happening (my family is in that bracket - I think that's why they are so hyper for me to get over this & move on) I even googled the statistics on how many of these affairs go on to become lasting relationships. I wanted him to be in as much pain as he put me through..but as time is passing I care less & less. I realized i cant dwell in it because every time i do i drive myself crazy! Don't get me wrong - I still want him to know what its like to hurt like this but I don't expect him to come back he is too stuck in his ways and truth is can I ever trust him again? Do I deserve more? It is true time is healing but it goes very slow.
Don't drive yourself crazy about what happened the other day. You didn't do anything wrong. You were feeding off of him and next time you can control it more. If your new confidence bothers him then thats his issue. You have to protect yourself & your feelings - that's what this 180 thing is supposed to do. Your councelor is right -your feelings are going to bounce all over the place.Just hang in there.
you know now that I think of it every time I would do something that made me happy like becoming a Vp on the pta. school board. Or I lost weight or bought clothes he didn't like or I like to watch the news & keep up on current events- he would make fun of me or become distant. My family believes it was a control issue and I think they may have been right.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I hope you are right about the first part. In the beginning I obsessed about his whole relationship exploding in his face & him wanting to come back. Heck 90% of the people who I told say that will end up happening (my family is in that bracket - I think that's why they are so hyper for me to get over this & move on) I even googled the statistics on how many of these affairs go on to become lasting relationships. I wanted him to be in as much pain as he put me through..but as time is passing I care less & less. I realized i cant dwell in it because every time i do i drive myself crazy! Don't get me wrong - I still want him to know what its like to hurt like this but I don't expect him to come back he is too stuck in his ways and truth is can I ever trust him again? Do I deserve more? It is true time is healing but it goes very slow.
> Don't drive yourself crazy about what happened the other day. You didn't do anything wrong. You were feeding off of him and next time you can control it more. If your new confidence bothers him then thats his issue. You have to protect yourself & your feelings - that's what this 180 thing is supposed to do. Your councelor is right -your feelings are going to bounce all over the place.Just hang in there.
> you know now that I think of it every time I would do something that made me happy like becoming a Vp on the pta. school board. Or I lost weight or bought clothes he didn't like or I like to watch the news & keep up on current events- he would make fun of me or become distant. My family believes it was a control issue and I think they may have been right.


EVERYTHING you said in the beginning of this was spot on for me. I agree 100% about all of that. People even keep telling me "WHEN not IF he comes back" which I mean, it's nice but it's not overly helpful. I also was reading up on the statistics and then thought to myself why WOULD I want him back? I am doing everything I can to work on myself, counselling, exercising, eating better, doing more activities to make myself happy- and what is he doing? Reverting back to his 19 year old self, desperately trying to find a woman to hook up with him....and then keeping me on the backburner so when it all fails he can just open the front door and resume family life. I am improving myself, he's not. So what will change in our relationship? 

I say that with confidence but I would love for a chance to work things out, and I admit it would be a huge confidence boost for him to want to come back. I'm having an especially rough day today because my weekly detective work (I should really stop doing it, snooping through his things isn't helping me) led me to an email he sent to a trashy ex-girlfriend saying that things are "totally quits" between us- even though he is telling everybody else that it's "temporary." It was like a kick in the gut, even though I kind of knew the temporary thing was crap. Or at least, just crap if he can find someone he perceives as better than me.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Where is your focus?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Where is your focus?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I am trying to keep my focus on making myself feel more confident and happy....but sometimes that focus gets blurred and I feel confident and happy thinking that he wants me and I'm in the power position. I am trying hard not to mix those two up, but it's hard. 
Is that what you mean?

My kids are little so they don't fully grasp the situation and obviously during parenting hours my focus is 100% then, and only then. It's only when I have a quiet moment to myself that my brain starts spinning.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Urgh, that should have said my focus is 100% them and only THEM. Not then!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Im sorry your having a down day. I used to check his credit cards after he left and after a couple of weeks i said no more. The final straw was when i saw a charge for motor vehicle and realized the charge was for a new license which meant he changed his address. I know the feeling well. Every time he asks the kids to bring him something else I feel like dirt. It drains me because its just more confirmation that he is really leaving. My perfect ending is he comes to me & says I'm so sorry I promise ill change & do anything to come home - then reality sets in and I feel horrible. So I'm trying to block it out. The perfect ending is fading with every day that passes and its for the best. I try to tell myself he will never change.

My daughter & youngest son never heard from him today. He usually texts them every day but today - nothing. Hes been texting my middle son through the day. My sons breaks failed & he contacted his dad yesterday. H right away told him he would set up an appointment with his mechanic (I guess he found a new one because I blew his cover with our usual one - found out he was telling them we were having " problems" - wish he would have informed me - anyway I told them what really happened and they were pissed.) So anyway son wakes up this morning and is afraid hes putting good money into bad so I tell him let me call my cousins husband & let him look first. So now he calls H & cancels. Then later calls to tell him what cousin thinks it is. H brings up dogs birthday tomorrow & younger sons birthday Monday. I don't know if this has anything to do with his lack of texting to the other two but its strange. Hopefully he feels a bit of remorse because I guess he'll see our son Sunday & other son said he"ll pick up middle son from school mon. & bring the dog Monday for him to see. He wont be here for cake or the actual birthdays. I just cant do it yet. I cant act all buddy - buddy with him right now. I cant have him here.
You are right - you are making progress so your H may not fit back into your life when hes ready. I feel that way too. Only time will tell how it plays out but we need to keep moving forward no matter what. Its funny I spoke to my cousins husband for 2 hrs today and hes hurt because he was really close to my H. It was a great conversation. Made me feel better. The guy had known me since I was born (he & my cousin divorced 3 yrs after they were married then met up 13 yrs later & re married 2 weeks before me & H. They had a son at the same time we were having our kids so we were all close). 

My kids brought home a new guinea pig. I guess I know what were doing this weekend. LoL!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey how are you doing this morning? I already had my issue today. He texted the kids that he would like to see the dog for her birthday & he wanted to stop by the house. I said no because 1- the dig would spend the rest of the day waiting for him to come back after he left & 2- I don't want to see him. I suggested to my son that he take the dog in the car to meet him in a neutral place. Of course H complains fir a minute then gave in. Son came back & tells me dog started to cry when he went to leave. H almost ripped the handle off the car door trying to get out quickly. Now in the past thus worked - the dog would forget & be fine when she came home - today shes done nothing but mope since she got back. My middle son is on spring break so hes going to pick youngest son up on Monday from school so H can visit s14 for his birthday. I knew March was going to be a trying month because of all the birthdays (H's was on the 6 th) & Easter. I just have to get through it.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey just checking in. Are you okay?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Hi smallsteps! I was away from the computer all day yesterday, took my oldest boy for an outing with my dad, which was wonderful! Then we actually spent the night at my parents house, which was fun and different for the kids and a good change of scenery for me. My mom said we could do that often if we'd like, so I think maybe every Sat night we will.....it's different and I actually am feeling quite cheerful yesterday and today!

I'm so sorry to hear about that incident with the dog. That's so sad, it's nice that he wants to visit her still but well, that's hard to have her be so depressed afterwards. Be strong about the upcoming interactions. Birthdays must be so hard, we haven't encountered that yet but will very soon. I hope you're doing well today.

Also, how did the guinea pig work out as a distraction?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Im so glad you had a good weekend. That's great you went to your parents this weekend. Whatever makes you feel better is good.My mom usually comes over on a Monday to check on me. 
The guinea pig kept me busy. Its actually our 5 th one. We got one in 2008 - 3 in 2009 & now this one. They're cute little animals.
My weekend turned out pretty good. I pretty much kept it together after yesterday morning. We kept busy between making the dog her cake - then my son had a project to do for school & then my older son started working on my younger sons birthday cake. All & all a pretty good weekend.
The dog cheered up by the end of the day. The kids never met with him today because supposedly hes very sick. It could have been bad for me but put that thought right out of my head.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oh smallsteps I am so happy for you that it was a good weekend!! Much much much deserved. It's sounds like you had some great activities to keep you busy. I'm a lot newer to this situation than you are, but I think it must be a great and positive step that you could push yesterday's sadness out of your head and continue on to have a great weekend...I know in the early stages it is VERY easy to spiral once you start to get sad. I'm still there often  I am feeling so happy for you!! Another weekend is behind us and we survived!!

Here's a question for you: my H has been texting me a LOT today. After Thurs night's debacle I've been trying to get back on my solid 180 path. So I had zero communication with him until today, which is standard for us, to discuss upcoming plans about the kids.
Tomorrow night I am (bravely) going to a local single mom's support group. I've never been, but I want to try. So I asked if he could have the kids at night and he starts in repeatedly with the "hot date ?" messages that really really bug me. So I ignored him.
Now he's been texting for the last HOUR wondering what's wrong with me, am I mad, I'm not responding to any of his jokes. So I texted that I'm not mad, hope he had a good day  and now he can't let it go. He is sending texts repeatedly. Do I respond? Or just ignore? I responded a bit, said sorry if I seemed mad but I truly was not and I am content to let that be....but does it look rude to just continually ignore???? Can't tell. I am happy to not reply, but I never want to make myself look bad. And I hate engaging in this childish back-and-forth.


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## RogerDA (Nov 3, 2012)

When you figure it out let me know! 

I can't help you on the part with the kids but as for yourself, try to keep as busy as possible. I too have found it hard to be around friends who are married. Family as well. So I have found myself getting closer to single (usually divorced) friends who dont have kids. Unfortunately I don't seem to have that many in that category!

This is week 8 for me and I have to say it has been the hardest because this is the first weekend I have let myself just sit around the house.

Get back into an old hobby or start finding a new one. You need to open your mind to beginning to think about your own life. At least that is what I have been advised to do myself and for the most part it is working.

Good Luck!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I got a 180 distraction for ya!

Plant a garden.

This year I've decided to grow a giant Carolina Cross #183 watermelon. They grow up to and over 200lbs easily in Southern soil.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I know the deal with 180 is protect yourself. I would by no means apologize. I know its hard that's why I avoid mine for now. I would just end the texts tell him whatever you need to- your tired & going to bed or the kids need you & you have to go. He shouldn't ruin what has been a good weekend for you. Maybe its starting to dawn in him that your getting stronger & aren't going to put up with the same old stuff. 

Good for you going to that support group. Im sure it will go well for you - have fun! Let me know how it goes.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> I got a 180 distraction for ya!
> 
> Plant a garden.
> 
> This year I've decided to grow a giant Carolina Cross #183 watermelon. They grow up to and over 200lbs easily in Southern soil.


Great idea! Good luck. I should do that - I planted a pumpkin patch in my yard the first year we lived in our house and my WH bated it. Now I can grow anything I want! LoL!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Great idea! Good luck. I should do that - I planted a pumpkin patch in my yard the first year we lived in our house and my WH bated it. Now I can grow anything I want! LoL!


Did you say he batted it, like took a bat to your pumpkins? Or was that a typo?

Grow pumpkins girl, but grow something along with it that attracts men and makes them "friendly". Something like sweet berries and melons..... they take a lot of work and provide a good excuse your your to wear daisy dukes and little else and NOT be sl*tty for doing so.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Did you say he batted it, like took a bat to your pumpkins? Or was that a typo?
> 
> Grow pumpkins girl, but grow something along with it that attracts men and makes them "friendly". Something like sweet berries and melons..... they take a lot of work and provide a good excuse your your to wear daisy dukes and little else and NOT be sl*tty for doing so.


Sorry I'm typing & don't have my reading glassrs on I meant he didn't like it. The damnable kindle wont let me type an h. He did try to "accidentally" run it over when he mowed the lawn LoL!


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## Danielk (Feb 19, 2013)

Is there something you've always wanted to do but never been able to do like a painting class or a particular kind of cooking class? Maybe you could do something like that if you can. That could be a good way to meet new people too.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Great idea! 

I've always wanted to take a cooking class, but they're pretty pricey so I never could afford it. I ended up buying cooking books on sushi and vegetarian cuisine. Women like that crap! I need to get a book on making chocolate while I'm at it. 

All I did so far that was any big 180 step for me was to sell my wedding ring when I found out she wasn't worth fighting for and got my tongue repierced around this time last year. 

Everything since then has been more about taking small steps and doing things I wanted to do, except for making myself go out there and go to places like bars or clubs again. Those places aren't all that fun anymore when you've been married and see the single people still there burning through casual relationship bridges.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Mrs.G. how did last night go?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Nsweet- I think all we can do is to take small steps ( that's why I picked that name)  I hate the idea of going to clubs & bars again! Right now ive gone once since this happened but I went with a bunch of old friends so it wasn't so bad once I was there. Just keep trying. I don't think we can expect too much of ourselves too soon. I'm finding that out everyday


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I see actively going out looking for dates or friends post divorce as one of the worst things you can do. You're still too heart broken and you end up acting needy no matter what you do, and end up pushing the good people away. Therefore the best course of action is just to do things you enjoy that attract others into your life. My dad for example after the break up with my mom for the 2nd time in 21 years, he bought a unicycle and a parrot. He got a girlfriend no problem because he's just more interesting now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I didn't go out looking for anyone - just went out to hang out with people I didn't see for 25 yrs (one of the casualties of getting married) they wanted to get me out of the house. It was hard enough to do that! As for dating - no way I'm in no place to do that right now. I was married 25 yrs & my H left me for someone else - I have a loooong way to go.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I am loving all the suggestions! Cooking class would be a great idea. H is a chef so he was always the cook in the family, it would be good for me to learn a few things 

smallsteps, am having kind of a hard day. It's one of those days where it feels like my head is barely above water. H spent a lot of time with us the last two days because he is going out of town for work for a while and wanted to see the kids a lot before he went....I was out myself most of the times he was here, but when we're together it's so hard. I should probably limit our interaction but I will admit, I'm super lonely sometimes so it's kind of nice having him around just for company. I need to get over that.

He was here last evening for a looong while, we were watching a TV show together. I thought things were going very well. We were being very friendly and laughing and joking and having a good time. And then I find out that he's been texting other girls all night. It just breaks my heart. Even my mom said she felt like maybe he was coming around, because he was opting to spend a lot of time here with us at the house....but I guess not so.

Ugh. It's like a fresh wound every damn time. I HAVE to stop letting him do this to me. I just really miss him and miss the companionship, it's so easy to get sucked back in. But now I feel rotten.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You have to protect yourself. It is re opening a wound over & over. Your not letting yourself heal. The only way to do that is limit your contact (I know you have really small kids so n/c is going to be impossible. I would be lead to believe he was coming around too by his actions BUT like you said hes texting other girls. This means hes stringing you along and you cant let him do that. You need to call the shots - you need to be in charge. You can do this.
Did you go to the moms group the other night?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I did not. He didn't get home in time to watch the kids. So that was kind of a blow, but I did go out for a bit by myself. He didn't like that, he was VERY mad and questiony when I got home, wondering where I was going. I tried to say nothing but eventually just said "to the mall with friends" and left it at that.

It's weird. Very weird. Monday, Tuesday and today he has been around 24/7 and acting almost husband-y. Except then occasionally makes comments that are really hurtful (I don't think he means them to be) and then I can see that he's been messaging other girls around me. Why does he act like he's coming around and then back off? I guess just to keep me under his thumb.

He's away for work for a while....so I have to think about how to alter my contact with him when he comes back. Because something has to change.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yeah its no good for you to go through this. Its good he's gone for a while - it'll give you some time to think. Just hang in there!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Well I've been thinking (and snooping) and the guy is a dog. He is obviously just looking for whatever he can get. He was emailing a coworker today while he was away, asking how things were going at work back home, and the conversation led to 1) the girl at work he is trying to "get with" 2) that he hasn't f---ed any servers at the restaurant he's training at yet and 3) there's tons of university girls around, so no problems there, he'll find someone.

HE IS SO GROSS I just want to vomit. This isn't even the H that I know!! He's always been super monogamous and into loving, committed relationships. He has NEVER seemed interested in one night stands and hooking up with random girls. He is obviously having some kind of midlife crisis and just needs female attention 24/7. 

And then in another conversation with an old high school friend he mentions that we're separated and "right now it's for good but who knows". EW. He is such a player and a disgusting human being. I wish I didn't have kids with him so I could just cut him out of my life and be done with him. What an ass.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm sorry you had to find that but now you know exactly what hes up to. You have no more questions now you can move on without second guessing. I know you're going to have to deal with him because of the kids but it will be okay - just set your boundaries. Does he visit them at your place? 
I know the feeling when you realize the man that left you is not the same one you married. Mine always looked down on people who broke up their families over affairs - I remembered when we were first married we promised each other that we would never cheat on each other - that we would never let it get to that point - well I saw how that turned out. 
What you need to concentrate on is you & those kids & getting on with your lives.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

just doing everything right with your time, spend it with positive fun


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I'm sorry you had to find that but now you know exactly what hes up to. You have no more questions now you can move on without second guessing. I know you're going to have to deal with him because of the kids but it will be okay - just set your boundaries. Does he visit them at your place?
> I know the feeling when you realize the man that left you is not the same one you married. Mine always looked down on people who broke up their families over affairs - I remembered when we were first married we promised each other that we would never cheat on each other - that we would never let it get to that point - well I saw how that turned out.
> What you need to concentrate on is you & those kids & getting on with your lives.


Thanks smallsteps, I am going to need lots of support- I hope we can continue helping each other!
My H was the same, he comes from a broken family and has told me repeatedly that he would never get divorced, he didn't believe in it. But apparently he believes in turning into a disgusting pig. My friends can't even believe it, I had my best friend over tonight and was filling her in and she was speechless. It's awful, this is NOTHING like how we knew him to be. NOTHING. Although it sounds like you were in the same boat! So I'm sure you know how that feels!

He does visit the kids at my home. I could stop doing that, but he's living with his parents- and he's such a lazy ass, if I had the kids visit at his parents place he'd just let his mom do all the work with them and sit and do nothing.
Plus they are shy (my kids) and I don't know if they would understand going there without me....and all their toys and movies and stuff they are comfortable with are here. So I think this arrangement should stay, for now. But I will most definitely be making plans to be away for every single minute he is at the house. I want nothing to do with him, ever.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Absolutely we can help each other. I am far from being finished with this either. As a matter of fact as good as ive felt the past 2 days I'm starting to feel a drop in my mood coming on. Going to try cleaning out my laundry room.as a distraction and contacting people to talk to before it gets out of hand.
I just don't believe how people can have two unbelievably different personalities. It blows my mind! Especially with people they are close to. The more I find out about my own situation I realize how isolated my WH has made himself. It seems people who I thought he was close to didn't even know

It makes no sense


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Because of the abrupt way he left here ive had people suggest to me hes gay or he got someone pregnant. Gay I can deal with if that was the case - but a pregnant girlfriend - not good especially because I always wanted more kids


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I find it a struggle because I know I played a role in the demise of the relationship. We had lost a lot of our spark, it was felt on both sides, and I was starting to really dislike the person I was becoming towards him. He didn't really blindside me by leaving a perfectly healthy relationship....but he did make no attempt to work out our issues, just put his hands up and said "I'm done" and left. Although still maintaining that this is all "temporary" to anyone who asks. 
So as I'm trying to make sense of that issue and taking a lot of responsibility and blame, I start uncovering all these weird layers- I don't think he left because our marriage sucked and couldn't be fixed, he left because home life as a husband and father was getting a bit too real for him and he thinks things will be more fun elsewhere. I don't get it. And the way he is talking to friends of his!! I could die, he was such a sweet, uncomplicated, quiet and kind man when I met him....and now sending emails to his coworkers saying "yeah I should find a good girl to f--k here, no problem"- that isn't even his style! He's never been a playboy, beating women off with a stick, and he would NEVER speak like that. I think some of this is for show for his new friends at his new job....the ego and arrogance of him now is disgusting.

Smallsteps, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling a bit now. What's up?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Wow - how old is he? You're probably right about the new friends. We by no means had a perfect marriage. I was starting to ask myself what an I doing & where am I going last year. My kids were growing up I was 43 (at the time) I was wondering - is this it? But I figured the marriage was solid enough that id work through it on my own like I always did & when I snapped out of it we'd move on. I guess he was having his own crisis but decided to make a life change. He hid his discontent well. He was a road salesman so between expense accounts & travel he was able to hide his affair well. I suspected something around this time last year but he said no way & I believed him. It was just so abrupt the way he moved out - that's why Im leaning toward shes pregnant.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm not sure what's getting to me. Maybe I'm answering my question to myself from last year - maybe its time for me to look ahead & see what's out there but its so scary at my age. Maybe its also- even though I blocked him out when he left - I'm now starting to realize there really is no way I would take him back even if he came back. & its not about the trust issues but just that I realize I deserve better than having a husband who wanted everything his way & didn't like to bend. As I think about our marriage - I was not perfect by any means - but he was controlling & I let him do it & turn me into someone different. Too much to think about. Ugh!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

He's 29, we both are, and I think this is a lot of what bothers me too- this seems so immature and childish to me and I am not that way. I am a mom, I feel (and act) like a grown-up. He's treating me, himself and us like we're in high school. It's horrible. And we've been together 10 years and never played games with each other like this.

Everything you've said sounds like exactly like me. Since the birth of our second son I've noticed a lot of shortcomings with H, just little things, but enough that they got me down and I'd think "is this really what life should be like?" And I admit, several times I did think that there must be something better out there for me. But I was hormonal from a new baby, lack of sleep, and a husband who was never around for help or support....I too kind of thought it would pass, I'd get over the blah feelings and we'd go back to being solid. But now it seems like H has been having his own stuff going on in the background that I never even realized. Have I mentioned the 4 years of evidence to online cyber-sex relationships? Yeah. I just found that out after he left. Hideous.

I too also feel like- I can't take him back. I just can't. I don't think he was the right man for me after all. BUT he was the man I chose, and he wasn't a horrible monster overall, and some small part of me still feels like I signed on to marriage forever, good or bad, and I would try my hardest to make this work. But he has qualities and flaws that he isn't working to fix- whereas I am doing IC and really working to better myself. If he wanted to come back I'd be changed, and he'd be the same. How would it ever last?

Sounds like we are in quite the same boat. Am I ever glad I have you to lean on, smallsteps! I hope to GOD your husband hasn't gotten his OW pregnant but I guess who can be 100% sure....I agree that the idea of getting out there again is scary. It's hard for me to think of all the things that will change in my life without H. I liked being married, I liked having a partner. That is a hard change to live with, as I'm sure you'd agree.

But maybe we can take "small steps" together and figure this all out.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I did most of the child care myself too. I always got up in the middle of the night & I don't ever remember him changing a diaper. He'd play with them for a while but then on a Sunday he would need his nap so it was me & the babies.

You know my H was infamous for crashing the computer - I know on the old one I used to find websites he would go to but when we got a new one he got smarter at deleting things.

I think I'm starting to realize what qualities I would like in a man once I'm ready. I will never be able to tolerate anyone who lies & likes to keep secrets. Id like to find someone who wants to be a partner & not someone who puts themselves above me. 

The thing that makes me real nervous ais when I say start over I mean it. Ive been a stay at home mom for 25 yrs. I didn't go to college. I'm literally starting from the beginning. Right now he turns over enough money to keep the house going - hopefully he continues that until I can get a job & probably go back to school.

Your right - it looks like we're in the same boat. We'll get through this!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oh my gosh that is exactly us too. Our baby son is going to be one soon, and I don't think H has ever bathed him, or helped to bathe him. He only changed diapers when I'd nag so much that he would just do it to shut me up. I know he loves our kids and treats them well, but he just isn't super involved. Even all last summer whenever it was hot and nice out I'd suggest taking the kids to the beach or to a playground with a little wading pool...and it was like I'd suggested he have a root canal with no Novocaine. 

You know, I am excited for you about this new change in your life!! I agree it will be really scary to get out there, but instead of thinking it like that, think of all the possibilities- think of all the fun jobs you could do! Or people you can meet! I am trying to think like that too, I know it's hard so maybe hearing someone else say it will help  Are there college classes you could take that you would be interested in? 

We will definitely get through this!! I am feeling quite positive today but that might change tomorrow and I'll be back being sad and cranky


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm not sure even where to start. I have my 2 older kids telling me I have to be an accountant (its a running joke)because that's what I made them do. I never forced them it was just my daughter was really good at it & my son I told him do business but pick which area you want to go into ( I learner my lesson the 1st time) & he decided on accounting. I'm horrible in math so I would say that's out lol! Thanks for the encouraging words!

I'm glad your going into this weekend with a good attitude. Are you going to your parents?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I'm sure you will think of something! There are so many possibilities...even just working in retail or something like that for a while. They would train you, so you wouldn't need experience necessarily.

I am trying to keep a very positive attitude! I discovered that H is trying to register for dating websites, some that seem legit and others that are probably for hook-ups only. The hook-up ones seem to be primarily just for the 2 weeks that he is away. Ick ick ick. I phoned a lawyer yesterday and will be going for a consult in a week. I am done with this drama. And I am not feeling teary about it at all, just determined.

Smallsteps, what did you do about your H? I can't remember if you said back in the beginning....did you confront him with evidence of cheating, or did he tell you he was leaving? I am trying to decide if I want to blow this out into the open or just stay silent. I feel like I've been quiet about a lot so I wouldn't mind some confrontation....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh my God are you kidding? That's messed up!

That's what ive been filling job applications for - retail like kohl's & home depot but so far nothing. I just have to keep trying. 

In my case H put it all out there. He told me he loved me but wasn't happy & hadn't been for a while. When I suggested mc he said no there was someone else & had been for a while. Needless to say my whole family knows (my H has no family his parents are gone & he has no siblings & he doesn't speak to aunts or uncles) but what I discovered this week - that surprised me - was he is very close with this 78 yr old woman - shes like a mother to him - I thought she knew I really did. Turns out she called my house the other day because he hasn't been returning her calls. Well I told her everything - shes a spitfire & says it like it is so needless to say it was an interesting conversation and I felt pretty good after our conversation lol. I didn't go out of my way to out him we really didn't have any joint friends. 

Seeing a lawyer is a good idea. I went & saw one right away and one of my sons friends mother is a paralegal (whose husband did the same thing to her years ago) & I spoke to her. So I generally know what to expect.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ok so he called the house - my daughter spoke to him & told him I was busy he called to tell them he was still sick & he was going to just drop the house money off & he would see them during the week. He also decided to enrolled in the health insurance & he needed info. He called when he was close to the house to ask someone to meet him in the car & asked to speak to me. This time I had to take it. He filled me in on the insurance & told me about his virus he has (wtf?). I'm pretty proud of myself because I think I handled the call well & it felt like I was talking to an acquaintance not a husband.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

It is VERY messed up, but I can't decide what to do....since I obtained the information in a sneaky way I'm not sure how or what I should do now. What a disaster. I cannot believe how awful he is, he has never ever ever been like this. And the absolute best part? In the likes and dislikes, his only dislike was DISHONESTY. I nearly fell off my chair from laughing. He really lives in his own world.

OK H has never admitted to anything, even when pushed he says nothing. So maybe do I have to wait until there's a confession? That doesn't seem nice for me but if I have to, I have to. I'm not sure what a lawyer will say if I admit I've got confirmation of infidelity (or at least, he is ATTEMPTING infidelity) through not exactly innocent means....guess I will find out!

That is SO GREAT that you saw him and felt so relaxed about it!! That is such a great step for you. You must feel so relieved. I am so happy for you!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Not many confess - I think mine panicked because I flipped out & suggested councelling he wasn't expecting that. I think he had a scenerio about how it played out in his head because he really did himself a disservice. See in Nj its bad enough for him that we were married 24 yrs- but then the court looks down on cases of abandonment & adultery.

I would bring everything you have to the lawyer. They will be able to tell you what you can do. That's why its important to go. I was glad I went because I wasn't in the dark.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

How is everything going today?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Not bad! Still more and more evidence of him being a dirtbag...he has signed up for yet another dating site (hookup site) and has actually made email contact with one woman- she's 20, is "separated" and has kids. Looks like an incredibly classy young lady, so I hope he enjoys his time with her 

Otherwise I am fine!! I've been telling a lot of people about what's been going on so I don't feel burdened by the secret. It's sad, and I think I am starting to grieve for the end of the relationship because I think of fond moments and get a bit choked up. But all the fond moments happened SO long ago. Things have been really not right for a while.

Enough about me! How are YOU doing? Still having a good weekend?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It feels better to tell people what's going on. I only told family at first - then my really close friends now I'm not hiding it anymore. I started telling people that I made friends with when I was on the pta for my youngest son - they were the hardedst because we all live in the same town & they only know the "married" me but they have been tremendously supportive.

Your going to go through that. I was so consumed with just remembering the good times (& sugarcoating bad ones) the truth is so many people saw there was something "off" like the fact that he was possessive & domineering & self centered tendencies but didn't say anything because to them I seemed okay. Of course he did have a good side - I'm a patient person who tries to see the good in everyone so I probably put up with a lot more than most women would have. When he left & they saw me torturing myself they spoke up & gave me a dose of reality. I also realized there were good times but that person was gone. Its a weird feeling when you know your done.

I didnt do so well today. It seems to happen a day after ive had contact with him. I'm fine right after but then it bothers me the next day. Then I figured I'd close my eyes & just clear my head & he starts texting the kids about the income tax returns. Ugh! This is why I stay clear of him.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I agree, it was starting to feel weird keeping it a secret. And I may be sad, but I am not ashamed. I think I am a good wife and yes I had flaws, but I don't think a real man just turns their back on their family to troll the internet looking for casual sex....

I'm sorry you're having a bad day! It really sucks when you think you've got it under control and then something throws you. Sounds like you limit your contact with him as much as you can, so it's probably hard to limit it even MORE. It's probably easier said than done, but can you ask your kids not to tell you when he texts them about stuff? That way you can remain blissfully unaware of his contact with them- unless something important happens that they need to tell you, obviously. That is so hard! Hopefully you had some time to yourself today to decompress a bit.

And also, I've had the same experience. I know people liked my H, but now that I've announced we're separated and talked about some of these creepy goings-on a LOT of people have made comments about how they never thought he was good enough for me. I had no idea. He isn't all bad, but I guess everyone just pictured me with someone different.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Nothing to be ashamed of. What I'm trying to learn is we both resposnsible for problems - neither one of us were perfect but he chose the path he did all by himself.

I had to deal with him - it was about insurance & money. I know there are just things I'm going to have to deal with him directly. Unfortunately the combination of him & money are really bad. The kids just came in & brought up when we lost power for 8 days from the hurricane last October. We were laughing about some of the stuff we had to do (its funny now - it wasn't funny then) so it broke my mood a little.

Its amazing how people see things from the outside that we don't. I guess its good they tell now because it gives us a better perspective while we're dealing with this.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Ohhh yes, money is never a good topic at the best of times  Sorry you had to have that kind of discussion with him. But I'm glad your kids were able to make you laugh, just try and remain positive. 

I met up for lunch with a former coworker the other day, we haven't seen each other since I told her H and I were separating, so about 6 weeks. And I was filling her in on a few of the details. And she said that for the last year she's been worried about me, because my Facebook status updates seemed so angry and frustrated and sad....and truly, I never meant them to be. She said even when they were funny it was like a thinly veiled angry tone was running through them. And she told me she didn't want to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad, but ever since I told her that H and I had separated she's noticed a change in my tone- she said I seem a lot happier and more light hearted. I didn't even know what to say. I had NO idea any of that was obvious to the outside world. Even though I felt hurt and angry a lot this last year, I didn't feel like I tried to make it obvious. But I guess it was always coming through. So interesting.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't think we realize what's going on. The kids distract us- everyday routines distract us - we're too close to the situation. People on the outside see what we don't. 

The money subject stinks. I think that was part of our problem. For like the past 8 years he didn't want to deal with it ( up until then he had taken care of all that) and he was fine in the beginning but recently - forget it. He fought with me all the time about it. He resented me for telling him what we could & could not afford.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oh my gosh SAME. H has always made more money than me, but he is terrible with it. If he gets $100 cash in his hand it will be gone in a day. And so instead of curbing his spending he would just sneak things. He bought himself an iphone and didn't tell me for a week. And even right before the separation I found a new laptop laying on our kitchen table- he'd bought it a week before, hadn't said a word. $600. 

Money really is a huge issue between couples. I didn't realize until about a year or so into marriage how major it actually was. I guess when you're just dating you don't really get to see spending/saving habits as clearly.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Omg! That 78 yr old lady that he saw as a mother figure told me that same thing about H the other day when I spoke to her (not that she had to tell me) when I told her what happened she asked me if he was giving me enough money - I said yes. Then she asked if I took care of the finances in the house & I said yes - & then she goes " because he doesn't know how to spend - if you give him $100 he'll blow through it in a second" oh God - I'm starting to wonder if our H's are related! 

Honestly I wasn't good with money when we were first married. We were 20 & 22 but I learned my lessons - him not so much.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Yep, same story here. I admit once we moved out on our own we went a little buck wild with spending and putting things on credit...we actually had to get help from my parents to bail us out of debt right after our wedding and I was so embarrassed that was enough to teach me a lesson. My H didn't seem to care!! He is terrible with money. He'd lie about not paying bills, not pay bills just to save some cash. He's had his cell phone shut off too many times to mention. He is just very very immature I guess.

hahaha I am laughing- I guess this is a similar problem for husbands of any age!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yup - I know hes already making a mess if things - thank God our credit cards are totally seperate. Our Sirius radio subscriptions were up at the same time. I used to handle both but not this time. I delt with mine and by the time I was done I got 5 months for $16. He did his own but the bill came here - 3 months $50 & he still hasn't paid it because they called the house the other day. 
He'll never learn.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Hahahaha we are in the same situation with his cell phone. The contact number he gave when he bought the phone was obviously our house, so I get the calls when he doesn't pay his bill. They've been calling for weeks. His phone is probably going to get disconnected while he is out of town for work and how professional does THAT look. Idiot!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LoL! Oh God I'm laughing! What the heck are they thinking? Oh wait maybe that's the answer- they don't - they think they're above it all.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

haha I am sure that's what my H is thinking!! Looking back on it, I'm not sure he's thought that there are EVER consequences to stupid behaviour!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That's exactly it - there are no consequences & they are never to blame for anything - its always someone else's fault


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I am slowly discovering that from my counselling. So many things I was trying to take fault for and my counselor has really made me see it from a different perspective. Even the few times we've talked about what went wrong with us, my H has a completely different version of his participation in it than what I see. He has no clue.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh yeah - that seems to be pretty common - rewrite history. I thought i was loosing my mind for a while then I started reading a realized I was not the only one this happened to


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## brianr1971 (Nov 21, 2012)

well i have been out of the relationship now since last nov and just this month i was able to just relax and not breakdown doesnt mean i dont think of her because i do every day i miser s her and still love her but i had to realize that no emotions would fix the pain so i had to make a choice let my emotions control me or get control of them once i took back control i was able to deal with it the pian is still there but can deal with it


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

brianr1971 said:


> well i have been out of the relationship now since last nov and just this month i was able to just relax and not breakdown doesnt mean i dont think of her because i do every day i miser s her and still love her but i had to realize that no emotions would fix the pain so i had to make a choice let my emotions control me or get control of them once i took back control i was able to deal with it the pian is still there but can deal with it


That's great advice, Brian. We may not be able to control how other's treat us, but we can control our response to it. I'm glad you are feeling better, I know it does take some time.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

How is your week going? Mine is okay - had a conversation with someone I hadn't spoken to in a long time. It was someone I had made friends with when my middle son went to kindergarten. We did the usual catching up but then she starts talking about all her vacations shes been going on & then she launches into her plans for her 25 th anniversary - that she's going to renew her vows at disneyworld & the dress she wants to wear & so on & so on. Of course I just listened but after I hung up I felt crummy. It started bringing up all sorts of stuff I thought I delt with. I'm getting back on track - ive got to make a mental note to limit my contact with her. Shes a nice person but doesn't think before she speaks.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Smallsteps, just checking in- how are things going?

Some new developments with me (there seem to be new ones every day!). H did have his phone shut off as predicted hahaha- but now he's emailing everyone instead of texting. Sounds like he is really making a play for this one girl at his work. He describes himself as "smitten" with her. And I had to go into his work yesterday to pick up his paycheck while he's away and I introduced myself to the managers as "H's wife" because that is true, and I had our baby son with us. And this girl came out and stood around the lobby, she smiled at the baby, but she loitered around the whole time I was there- obviously sizing me up!!
And I pulled a very juvenile move and wore my wedding rings (haven't worn them since H left) and made sure I'd dressed nicely and was in full makeup....and bringing the baby was kind of a low-blow, but I feel like it's easy in theory to listen to a guy say "I have two small kids and my marriage was falling apart" but I wanted them to see the reality. I'm not a witch, and we have a BABY. It takes a pretty special jerk to leave a baby at home.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Did we post at the same time? LOL!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh God that's unbelievable. Well now that hes e mailing - save them! Print them up - save them to a flash drive - whatever just keep really good records of everything.

Good for you that you went into his job with your head up! Sounds like you played it perfectly. The nerve of her to hover like that. You would think she would have stayed clear. What a b****! I don't get people like that! You're right - they spin these stories but its fun to bust their bubble. I get a little chuckle every time I bust his story to someone else. I know that's a little evil but under the circumstances .... It drove me nuts in the beginning thinking what he was telling people he worked with ( he had just started a new job but he was in the same industry & has known people foryears).


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

How are things going today?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

We've been very busy around here the last few days, it was my youngest's birthday! So that was a fun distraction.

How are things going with you?

I am keeping all kinds of evidence or the lawyer....I take pictures, paste things into Word files. I will be well prepared! haha

I'm a bit discouraged because H is away for work. He is home this weekend, he told me he was- and so I sent him an email last night asking if he had any idea when he'd like to come around to see the kids and no response! He ALWAYS does this. After two straight days of him emailing me nonstop now he's gone silent. I have no idea when to expect him today or what. I hate when he does this. But the kids miss him, so I feel like I just have to hang around waiting to see what's up....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Birthdays are a nice distraction. 

I'm doing ok. I'm meeting some friends for dinner so I'm looking forward to that.

Don't let him get to you. I know it screws up your weekend because you don't know how to plan your weekend - but don't let this bother you - he may be trying to bug you or make sure you cant make plans since you don't know what hes up to.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

You're right, that could be it. I had told him I may have plans this weekend but I'd be sure to fit him in as much as he wanted for the kids....and in a conversation the other day he mentioned my "plans" in quotes like that, obviously being annoying. I hadn't thought of that. He may be trying to keep me on the hook a little. OR just non-committal because I'm sure he is going to try and make plans with his friends too. It's just frustrating and I'm agitated, I feel a bit like jumping out of my skin. I hate when there's unknowns AND when he doesn't respond to messages.
He's also weirdly sensitive about certain things, and I tagged him in a bunch of photos on facebook from the birthday party...I'm wondering if he's silently raging because of that. But if that's a reason to not see your kids, then he's an a$$.

That sounds like a good plan for tonight! It's good to have fun activities to look forward to.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I hate that feeling it drives me crazy! Since I don't have health insurance & cant get to a doctor a friend of mine suggested st Johns wort. It has taken the edge off the anxiety for me. I think -at least in my case- it seems to be when I'm dealing with unknown circumstances - my anxiety is at its worst. Breathe deep & take a minute. Hes messing with you. Show him your stronger than his games.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oooh that is good advice. I didn't know that about St Johns Wort. I should try it. I probably should see the doctor about getting some anti-anxiety meds or something, but I hate the idea of being really medicated. This sounds a bit better.

I hope he's messing with me. The worst part of when he does this is that I immediately start thinking "oh dear, what did I do wrong to upset him?" and um NO. It should NOT be like that.

But we'd been getting along and chatting pleasantly enough, and he was randomly emailing me movie quotes throughout the day (I know, what the hell). Even though I didn't really respond, it felt nice that he was being friendly....and now nothing. I hate this!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yeah even if I had insurance I didn't like the idea of medication. I cant take pain mere stronger than advil - I fainted the one time I had demerol in the ER. Only had an epidural with 1 of my 3 kids & threw up from percoset. The st Johns wort is good for me.

You have to get out of the mindset that you did something wrong & hes upset. Its not about him - its about you & the kids.

That's why you need to keep a distance. Its good you didn't respond to t he quotes but it messed with you because now that hes stopped its bothering you.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Yes, exactly. He was paying me lots of attention for 2 days and now he's paying none and it's confusing me. I just hope he doesn't act like a jerk to the kids, because our oldest son overhead me and H's mother talking about him being home this weekend and he's already asked 3 times "where's dada?". So I hope he still plans to see the kids! And really, I'm sure he is going to....it's just the ambiguity of when he's coming that I hate.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm sure he'll come to see them. Unfortunately hes not making it easy on you. 
Just don't think about it ( I know easier said than done) try & distract yourself. 

Remember don't let him get to you.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

No word yet, it's very frustrating. We're getting ready to make plans for dinner...we're going out, which is making me feel a bit bad because I REALLY don't want the kids to miss out on seeing him. But on the other hand, where the hell is he?

I'm so disappointed and I'm stressing myself out wondering if I did something wrong....NOTHING I could do should make you not want to see your kids. That's horrible. I'm hoping that's not the case.

I'm thinking he probably went straight to his work to check in with his friends and see what's been going on. But it's 5pm here now, I can't wait all night. The kids will go to bed before long!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

How did tonight work out?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So he texted my daughter - he wanted them to come to his house for bagels tomorrow morning. She told him not a good idea if hes there with someone. I knew this was going to come up again & sort of figured this would becthe weekend he would try. On the 2nd he'll be gone 3 months.

How is your weekend going?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oh gosh...he showed up kind of late-ish Friday night and just left. Yep, he stayed the whole weekend. It's so hard because our kids are so little and the baby especially is very attached to me, so sadly sometimes this arrangement works out best. He's gone back away for work again for another 10 days and then he'll be home for good. I feel really sad now but it's not terrible....just confusing a little. He is so sweet and kind and loving when he is here, it's just very hurtful that this same guy is telling friends privately "I was exhausted from pretending it was all great when it wasn't, I had to get away." 

I really need to use these next 10 days to sort my head out. I really let myself get sucked in this weekend. It's no good for me and it's certainly not helping either one of us.

I can't believe your H has been gone 3 months....did your kids end up going over to his place or not? I hope this didn't trigger any bad feelings for you, hope you're doing OK.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No they didn't. They met him at a dunkin donuts but things only got worse today. They brought home a tin with Easter grass -jelly beans & homemade cutout cookies. He told the kids he made it for them. First that's bull - I'm sure she put it together for them. Second if it was him id be pissed because whenever we made holiday cookies he couldn't stand it - pitched a fit & never participated. Ive been able to block all images of him & his life so well and this damn cookie tin brought everything back. My daughter took it away & hid it.
Ive had such a headache all day!

Its good hes gone for the 10 days. I know its hard on your kids they're so little and in turn it makes it hard on you. You have to remember what you've seen with your own eyes. No matter how nice hes acting you know what hes really been up to


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

MrsG84 - That's great! You now know that he's not actually as happy and care free as he pretend to be. I bet you anything he's just as depressed if not more so because he knows what he's giving up.

I think you know what you need to do.....

In short he's not ready for you to treat him like a loving wife treats her husband, because he's still siding with his feelings and right now those feelings are all about escaping responsibility and spinning things around to place blame on you. "It's not my fault, she's the reason I'm not happy" or whatever bullsh!t. It's not your job to keep anyone happy!

Now that your husband is gone, at least for a few days, he can't hold content for you making him feel bad when you're not around. So what you have to keep in mind during your time away from him is to keep reminding yourself of the 180 mindset. You're already treating him well, the only other thing you can do is pull away and let him self destruct in his misery and make the only adult decision he can make for himself, "should I stay or should I go?".

And need I remind you, the worst thing you could ever do is to mother him. Don't ever mother him if you want him to respect you. He's a grown ass man who can lean on friends and other people for support. Plus, there is kind of a Pavlovian response here in that you train people to treat you a certain way. You know what I'm getting at...... Don't let him come to you for emotional support or anything like that. And certainly don't fall for any of his "it's all your fault tricks".

I'll tell you the two things I learned from my divorce are that exes hate it when you build back up your boundaries after they cause your world to come crumbling down around you. And if you can recognize the red falgs and bullsh!t through their insults you can rise above. Don't believe any of his compelling arguments because 90% of the time it's just going to be about him escaping responsibility and spinning things around on you, or he's going to fish for your hot buttons and then stomp on them repeatedly to work you up emotionally so he can feel better. 

All you have to do, now remember this, is to act happy and pull away. That's it. You still need time away from him, he needs time to think about his actions, and the kinds need you two to not fight. So sometimes all you can do is get away from the conflict and enjoy yourself, which often times is enough to make your husband miss those fun times with you enough to that he wants to behave to be with you.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> No they didn't. They met him at a dunkin donuts but things only got worse today. They brought home a tin with Easter grass -jelly beans & homemade cutout cookies. He told the kids he made it for them. First that's bull - I'm sure she put it together for them. Second if it was him id be pissed because whenever we made holiday cookies he couldn't stand it - pitched a fit & never participated. Ive been able to block all images of him & his life so well and this damn cookie tin brought everything back. My daughter took it away & hid it.
> Ive had such a headache all day!


Who cares who made the cookies. It made your kids happy and now they have some sweets, I'm guessing from both of you. 

But that's not the issue here is it?

I'll fill you in on a little secret, people don't change that much from relationship to relationship unless they stop for a while and do some counseling to work on their core issues. What I'm saying is if he's so narcissistic that he can't stand to see your talents with baking cookies and see you get all the attention, he's going to go off on her for the exact same reason. Huge red flag BTW. 

He's just putting on his best face for the honeymoon stage. Let him enjoy the performance and see how similar things get for act II. That's when they realize they have little in common and the dopamine high give way for conflict and petty arguments over nothing. Ah, it's going to be fun! Fun for you to hear about second hand, not for him. 

Watch I bet you anything in about six months to a year or so from now you'll hear about how the OW has "changed" or you'll see your husband looking miserable because he's trying to get her to act like she did in the honeymoon phase. If you're still married he'll be like all the other cheating husbands going through a breakup with the OW, hiding from her at your house.:rofl: And if you're divorced by then you'll see him first wearing nicer clothes she picked out for him and then looking depressed and worried about money. 

Just watch, I've seen in too many times before. You're going to deal with a lot of depression, anger and anxiety for a while. Maybe gain 15lbs, but then you'll lose 30+lbs and end up in a better place with either a refurbished husband(divorced before) or a boy toy just to play with. Hubby on the other hand, I just hope he doesn't think what he sees now in her is going to last..... Hope she can cook more than cookies.:rofl:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Nsweet- the weight thing is not an issue - since he left I'm down 42 pounds - probably the one confidence booster out of all this. I guess what got to me is this "perfect" situation he is setting up for himself : him her & the kids. Its what hes wanted from the beginning. He tried to push all this harmony the first week he left & when the kids resisted he backed off - now 3 months later hes trying again. Ive come a long way since those first days but the whole connecting the kids to his new life is one of the remaining sore spots.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> MrsG84 - That's great! You now know that he's not actually as happy and care free as he pretend to be. I bet you anything he's just as depressed if not more so because he knows what he's giving up.
> 
> I think you know what you need to do.....
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice, NSweet- and smallsteps, as always 

I have to admit, the last 2 days have not been great for me. It was nice having him here, and we got along great and had fun together. It's hard having him leave again. I've been very sad, which means this cannot keep happening because I cannot handle it. Coupled with this, is that I am meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. I have never been so confused.

He isn't facing reality now at all. He can't accept that people are upset about our separation, he's shocked when I say that his parents come to me sad about about- he needs to face reality. Marriage isn't something you walk away from on a whim. I wanted to kind of kick him in the butt to get him thinking that yes, if you separate it's serious and divorce even more so. But now I'm not sure. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to tell him "I'm filing for divorce".

There are so many layers here- he talks constantly with girls from work, and I hate it. He lies to them, he lies to me. I can see he's telling people our separation is permanent but then tells me otherwise. I think the girl he is mainly interested in was away for the weekend, so how convenient for him to come home and play house with me- if she'd been around maybe I wouldn't have seen him at all.

I told people on Sunday that he had stayed all weekend and got so many responses of "this is a great sign!!!" but it's possible he just used me for something to do- he gets to hang out with the kids, doesn't have to stay in his bedroom at his parents house, we can watch movies together and have fun and then he gets to jet off again and be single guy. I'm not sure if I'm making him miss me, or just letting him use the crap out of me.

I am so sad and confused today. Not a great day for me and I can only blame myself.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't beat yourself up. You need to set your boundaries though. You're letting him walk in and out as he pleases & you've seen what hes doing behind your back. Everytime he comes back into your life he ends up playing with your head & then he leaves again. You cant keep going through this its no good! Hes getting the best of both worlds - they call it cake eating on here. You will never be able to start to heal until it stops. I know its hard with having small children but you can do this. I'm not trying to be mean but you and I have been going back and forth with our issues now for a little while and I see you gain your confidence but then I see you slip - which is normal - but you need to stop letting him do this to you.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I'm having a seeerious case of doubts right now. He is making me second-guess everything and family and friends are now saying they are "cautiously optimistic ". I don't want to misstep and mess everything up. Does that make sense? What if I file for divorce and he is horrified and never speaks to me again? I can't decide what to do.

You're right, I do so well and then slip so terribly. I just think for all of my bravado I don't want to lose him. And also....he's a companion for me. I know that. I'm scared to let it go because then I am REALLY on my own.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Look I saw a lawyer week after he left - that's it - I went for a consult I didn't sign anything & didn't file anything but I felt better because I knew my rights & what to expect when the time comes. I also was told what to do to make my case stronger. So go - no one said you have to file anything.
You cant live with him like this. I know you just want him to knock off the bs & come to his senses but only he has the power to do this. Right now you're trying to convince yourself you can do this - and you can and I understand if he were to drop all this nonsense & agree to work on your marriage you would take him back but hes not doing that. I understand about not doing anything to mess up the chances of him coming back. I felt that way for a while but now that feeling has gone away for me. Maybe you have to have a serious talk with him - bottom line no nonsense - what is he doing? He may lie to you - & you have proof of what hes been up to - or he may say something you don't want to hear but at least you'll know.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I did ask him the other night. We were emailing about the kids, last week while he was away....and I just got so tired I said "listen, is this REALLY a temporary situation or not?" And it was all via email. And I know he's been telling people that it's not. But he said yes. He said he hasn't had time to think about anything. And so I flat-out asked him "you wouldn't have told anybody that it was permanent then, right?" and he said no, of course not. Which is a LIE. So a few minutes later I BEGGED "please be honest with me....is this temporary, tell me what you think honestly" and once again he said it was. Well actually he said, I don't know, and I said "OK" and he said "I just mean I haven't had time to think about things." So once again, same answer. Is it a lie? I have no idea.

I am going to get the consult for sure. And I am happy to do so. But I think it scared me into feeling like I had to make a decision and I may not be ready yet.
He is SO kind and loving and attentive when he's around me. I just don't get why. I know I deserve better and I want better than these mind games. But I'm also scared to throw away my family, I think. Maybe once I get over that fear I can make a better decision.

What a mess!!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I should add, I don't want to have a discussion like that via email but I thought maybe the not being face-to-face would help him be more honest....and it did not. Once again I asked him to please take his things out of my house and he got upset again.
People have asked whether I think he's trying to push ME into being the one to make the call about our marriage....and I sort of thought maybe, but he's not acting like it. When I make moves (like him moving out his things) he freaks. So what does he want me to do?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't feel pressured into anything. I walked in and flat out said im here to find out what my options are but im not ready to file anything. I think the visit will make you feel more confident.
If you want my honest opinion I think he doesn't know what he wants & hes stringing you along. You have the evidence - you know hes lying. You are his security while he runs around & does what he wants & that's not fair to you. No one deserves to be treated that way.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What does he want you to do? 

Ironically enough, he wants you to have to balls he doesn't have and divorce him keep him away from yourself and tell him "nothing's wrong, I'm fine". Trust me on this one honey. He, like all of my kind, hate it when a woman calls the shots or says "NO", but at the same time love it and need it. He will respect the hell out of you if you do it and then don't let him come clawling back to play house or accept any tear stained apology notes. 

It's like I found out with my divorce from my crazy cheating wife, allong with all the other betrayed nice people here. They can't stand it when YOU say "No, I'm not letting you come back ever again because this is it." It brings up childhood abandonment issues that BPD and NPD tendency people just can't deal with. Which is exactly what you want to capitalize on. Let him finally understand what life is like without a saftey net and let him run to those sleezebag skanks and wh*res for his emotional comfort and a shoulder to cry on after sex, really attractive from a cheating husband BTW.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

smallsteps, I agree with everything you said. And now 36 hours after the fact, my fog has lifted and I'm back to feeling more confident again. So I'm definitely feeling good about seeing the lawyer today and getting some advice. I can't wait to hear what he has to say.

NSweet, I guess part of my issue is that I've kind of always wondered if he's waiting for ME to be the one to pull the plug- but he isn't giving me any reason to do it. I mean he most definitely IS but all the stuff I know, I've found out from snooping through emails or what have you. He hasn't revealed ANY of this stuff to my face. He is flirting with me, staying with me, initiating sexual contact, being cute and cozy with me and believes that I know NOTHING about what he is doing behind my back. So I'm curious what he thinks my motivation would be for initiating the divorce- to my face he is acting perfectly innocent.

I want to jolt him into reality and take away his safety net. Not even to be mean but because I have to. I can't play this waiting game forever, but I'm wondering if that's what he thinks I should be doing- letting him sow his oats or whatever, and then he'll come back ready to commit to me. And then I start to wonder, SHOULD I just wait it out? For the sake of the family? I guess that's where I start to get confused.

For two weeks before we ever discussed separating he was so cold and awful to me. He didn't hardly speak, he never wanted to kiss me or touch me...I tried initiating sex twice and he acted almost repulsed. And he maintained kind of a cool demeanor like that for the first two weeks after he actually moved out. He hugged me hi and goodbye when he saw me, but he'd bolt out of the house once the kids were asleep like he couldn't wait to get away from me....we didn't speak in between visits. And then suddenly that all shifted and now it's so different. When he sees me he's funny and cute and flirty and affectionate and I don't get why. He seemed SO RELIEVED to be away from me the first few weeks and now it's not like that at all. I guess I just don't get the change. You'd think if he was surrounded by new women and trying to initiate relationships with them (which it seems like he is) why does he want anything to do with me?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Let me know how you make out at the lawyer's office today


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Oh man after all that it was cancelled because he got called into court haha. Can you even believe it? But I think it was fate, because I had a counseling appointment today that I was going to have to cancel to see the lawyer and I ended up being able to go....and I think I REEEEALLLY needed it  So it worked out for the best.

Lawyer is rescheduled for tomorrow, so hopefully that works out!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

That's great that you had a good counseling session! I hope you're feeling better & the lawyer goes well tomorrow


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

It really helped I must say. And he doesn't say anything that you guys or my friends and family don't say....but he doesn't actually say a whole lot, just lets me and talk and talk and talk. And sometimes hearing myself say things out loud kinda brings me back to reality a little bit  I am looking forward to speaking to the lawyer tomorrow! Very much so. I need to have some information behind me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

When I went to dinner with my friends Friday night the two who have been divorced for a while ( from different people - not from each other) were laughing about when they went to a councelor & they did all the talking & the councelor said nothing and they were paying for it. Lol. 
Yeah I think the point is for you to figure out how to deal with your problems & they're just there to guide you.
I'm glad you're in a better frame of mind. I hope tomorrow goes good for you


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

hahaha it's so true. He offers a lot of advice and makes me see things a whole new way....but very often he kind of lets me go on a tangent, probably because he can see that I work things out when I do that. 
It is really hilarious though and sometimes he just sits nodding and I ask over and over "do you think I'm being stupid?" hahaha!!

It's so confusing. I don't think I'm in any frame of mind to make any concrete decisions NOW but I know I need to SOON. Smallsteps, can I ask how this all ended with your husband? What did you decide? Are you on a temporary break, or did he full-out say he wanted to leave to move on and is gone for good? I don't think I've ever asked you that....


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't make any concrete decisions until your ready & have a clear head. You need to set your boundaries & protect yourself but that may be enough for now.
Everything is the same 3 months later (today is 3 months). He put us on the health insurance as of the 1st. Hes still giving me money to pay the bills. Hes still living with her & I'm moving on. I guess that's the difference- ive realized I'm done. Because of the money & insurance part we're sort of in limbo. He has never given me the whole story - he spoke to that 78 yr old woman who is a mother figure to him - she called on Easter. She yelled at him - he said he'd go to see her to explain when she comes back from Florida. She said shed call me after she speaks to him. Maybe then I can finally get the answers I need. But I do realize - if he were to come back it would be for the kids - the dog - the fact that it financially makes sense - he wouldn't be coming back for me & what kind of life would that be for me then?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

And honestly, despite how I often sound on here especially lately- I know that in my heart too. If my H wants to come back, and I kind of think at some point he might, nothing will have changed. I'M changing and working on ME but he isn't. He's lying and being gross and selfish and immature and irresponsible...so if he came back, what would our life be like? I KNOW what it would be like, and it's a life I don't think that I want. Especially because all our standard issues aside, how the heck would I ever trust him now? I wouldn't. He is lying to me every single day.

It's just....sad. I guess that's all it is. 9 years of having him in my life and it seems like it's unraveled so quickly. It's hard to accept, but I'm trying.

It's the boundaries I have trouble with. Even my counselor kind of laughs at how every decision I make, I make based on how my H will think or feel. It is physically impossible for me to make decisions based on MYSELF. I don't know how I got like that! I am trying to be better  But it's hard when H paying attention to me makes me feel flattered, and gives my ego a boost....but also plays with my heart big time. So it's like certain things are both right AND wrong hahaha.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I can tell you exactly what's going on in his mind, because I've seen it about a billion times from cheating exes, the ex wife, and from places like this site. 

Get this.....

He, like all other cheaters, can't stand the thought of being abandoned before HE makes the dicision for himself. While he didn't want you and acted repulsed by the thought of you, you naturally pulled away wich made you a challenge to keep around. 

You with me so far?

So now that he thinks there might be a possibility that you will divorce him and not ever give him a second chance, he's trying to cozy up to you and buy a little time.

Odds are if you're not fighting like children over this and you see his actions are congruent, meaning he really seems to be trying and he doesn't drop the act after several months. You could possibly reconcile.

But, and it's a big BUT!

He has to know that you're going through with the divorce in the meantime so he can't fake it for a little while and keep you around while he goes back to speading himself around. The only thing that's going to show him this is if you initiate the divorce, follow through with your 180 and keep pulling away and holding boundaries, and you show him nothing but indifference. This means no fighting because your depressed and pissed at him and no running to him for emotional support.

With reconciliation you're basically learning how to attract your husband all over again,and the biggest thing about that is you need to be strong and learn to say "No" to someone who you've said "Yes, dear!" for so long.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey - 25 yrs for me & it unraveled in the blink of an eye.

You need to learn to learn you don't need him to flatter you to feel good about yourself. The more confidence you build up from working on you the more you'll believe this.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Pm me...we have very similar stories!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Smallsteps, agree agree agree. I'm going to really focus (more) on making myself feel awesome and not worry about him. I think once I can do that more, pulling away from him will be easier.

NSweet, I am going to work more on the 180 and making boundaries. We are certainly not fighting, but he is definitely spreading himself around despite how he acts with me- I don't think anything physical is happening with other women, but certainly he is actively chatting them up!! Much much much more firm boundaries do need to be in place.

Almost Single, I'm sorry to hear that. I will pm you for sure.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Saw the lawyer today and smallsteps you were right on, it made me feel so much better to get some guidance. And it all sounds so easy! It was nice knowing someone was on my side and will fight for me and the kids and make it as effortless on me as possible...and he was so nice and encouraging and the last thing he said to me was "Don't let this hang over your head forever, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you still." 
I'm glad I went! No firm decisions made yet but I like that I've got someone who can help me when the time comes.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I know - see one less thing to worry about! Now you can concentrate on getting yourself stronger. And hes right - you have your whole life ahead of you - you're going to be fine.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

It was really great!! 
Now enough about me....how have things been with you lately???


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ive been okay but for some reason tonight - not doing so well. I don't know if I'm tired ( I was up at 4 & couldn't go back to sleep) or just having one of those days. I'm just trying to shake it off.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Tiredness is usually a culprit for me.
Sorry to hear! Nothing happened with your ex though, just feeling a bit down?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No nothing. Its strange - its not that I miss him - but like last night I was taking dinner out of the oven & for that split second I missed "someone" coming in the door. I know I'm in no way ready to get involved with any man but I guess I just miss having someone there. Its weird because I haven't even thought about any of that lately. Ive been pretty ok on my own. I think I'm just having a bad day.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I get like that too sometimes (hence the sleepovers and such). I don't think it's HIM that I want to have around, just someone. And not even all the time, I actually enjoy my space and enjoy my alone time. But it's hard when you're used to someone being there. I'm sorry you're having a bit of a down day.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yep that's exactly it. Sometimes I wish for a split second I could see into the future to see how it all will turn out. Its funny - when my head is clear I have this like inner peace that its all going to turn out ok - like I said I think I'm just tired.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I am only getting fleeting moments of that inner peace, I hope I get to your place soon  That's what I'm waiting for- the clarity of "everything is going to be OK." How did you do it? Just wait out the sad feelings? Did you do the 180 techniques at all?

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day! Get a good sleep tonight and recharge your batteries a little, hopefully that helps.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't know - just sort of happened. The lies just kept piling up & it hit me that he was not the type of man I wanted - I want someone who appreciates me -wants to share his life with me & not hide things. I guess then is when it started to come together but I am an impatient person so even though I tell myself every day -that working to make myself a better person & being patient will pay off in the end - when I'm tired - I tend to let my thoughts get away from me.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

You sound so sorted out! I'm so impressed....and I think these little slips are probably all par for the course, you know? But that is so so so great for you, I think you've really come a long way.

I'm impatient too and I think part of my problem is that I want to have all the answers/know the outcome right this second. I don't enjoy taking the scenic route down this road!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thank you - I guess that makes these little episodes a little easier to deal with at least I know what I don't want. In the beginning I didn't have that.

I'm still down this morning but at least I can smile today so I just need to keep trying to relax - not think too much & break this mood. 

I hope you're having a good day today!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I'm having a decent day! Sorting out so many feelings, trying to wade through the emotions....I feel close to making some kind of breakthrough, but I'm not there yet.

So remember I said H had his cell phone shut off? He only paid off half of the debt last weekend while he was home. So he's been messaging me all week to pay off the rest for him, and I lied yesterday and said I had when I hadn't  My mistake. I was going to do it today, but his phone got working again. However he seems to have accessed our online banking (his card didn't work to do it, typical) and I'm wondering if he saw that I lied about it....because he's been super MIA all day. I had a legitimate money question for him and texted 30 mins ago and haven't heard anything. Eeek!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Tell him you got sidetracked. Is he giving you money to pay the bills or was that supposed to come out of your money?


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

He literally walked away and left me with everything. Left his interac card, I have sole access to the accounts. Insane, I know. Also partly why I saw the lawyer yesterday!
So it was kind of a **** move to lie about paying his bills....but I didn't get a chance yesterday and I didn't want him hounding me about it. I shouldn't have lied.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well - I would just tell him sorry- you got sidetracked. 
Mine did the same. He sent back our joint debit card a few weeks ago with the kids. I have control over all the accounts. His gym membership still comes out of one of the checking accounts & I'm still paying the car insurance. He pays his credit cards ( we don't have joint ones) I think they don't want to deal with it - they want their freedom but don't want to deal with the messy parts


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

That is exactly what it is, he always takes the easy way out. I just feel bad that I did that, and maybe that isn't why he's mad at all. He's been sort of weirdly MIA and quiet since this morning. No activity anywhere.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I know its frustrating because you have a money question but wait & see - he may just be busy (I'm learning not to overthink things - it just gets me into trouble - lol!) Try texting him again tomorrow if he still doesn't answer then approach the subject of the cellphone. Don't overthink it.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

hahaha I am the QUEEN of over-reacting to things hahaha. I am trying not to be so crazy. Anyways, he just called me and so things are smoothed over. He's still away for work and he's been really sick, he sounds terrible, so maybe that's all it is. Although as per usual he lied right to my face (into my ear? haha). I know he went out for lunch with a friend from work today and he didn't say a word about it to me. So secretive, I can't imagine why.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

A FEMALE friend, obviously


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh please I know - mine likes to believe hes James bond with all his secretive bs. - im not supposed to know where he lives or who hes with - when the kids leave him after they meet he makes sure they pull away before he does so they don't "follow" him. Its become laughable at this point!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

hahahahaha OK that is really making me laugh! Why do they do this?! OK granted I get info on mine by snooping through his emails which isn't right, but this girl is a friend (possibly just a friend, I won't jump to outrageous conclusions yet) so why not mention that you saw her for lunch? He's mentioned her before, I know her name legitimately (not from snooping) and know about her legitimately...so why not say "Oh yes, Mary and I had lunch today." Nope instead it's "I'm soooo sick I stayed in bed all day."

I am seriously supposed to be in the dark about all of his behaviours. What a looney toon.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know -'I think they like the feeling of thinking they're putting one over on us


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

That's disgusting- it's kind of nice to know we can laugh about it behind their backs!

Even worse, I think maybe in my husband's case it's so he can keep me blissfully ignorant and feeling like everything is status quo. I will never ever ever understand this. I saw a former coworker tonight who is also newly separated from her husband. She initiated it, and she is over and done, case closed. He won't be moving out until May 1st so they still live in the same house, and she says they are civil but she has washed her hands of him.
I was actually jealous. Why isn't my spouse like that?!?! I kind of figured once you're done, you're done! None of this lingering around b/s.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No not always -'especially if hes trying to keep you around till he figures things out for himself - which is not right. Look technically mine strung me along I have a feeling for at least a year until he made up his mind. I just didn't know it was going on


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Agreed, I think you are right. Even my counselor says that I should assume that everything I'm feeling, H feels too. So if I'M confused then he might be also. He has seemed confused since day one hahaha- way to initiate a separation that you have no idea how to go about doing OR if you even want it. I would have thought this through so much better! haha


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Oh please I know - mine likes to believe hes James bond with all his secretive bs. - im not supposed to know where he lives or who hes with - when the kids leave him after they meet he makes sure they pull away before he does so they don't "follow" him. Its become laughable at this point!


Ever slam him with everything you know so far? 

During my divorce to my cheating wife I got really good at tracing her emails to their source, reading lies through changes in vocal tones, and leading her into confessions without her seeimg them coming. It was beautiful! 

"Why are you telling me this"....... "He's JUST a frieennnddd" ...... "I'm not sorry..... I'm sorry I got mad at you, please call me back" ..... "You're making MEEE feeel bad".... and my personal favorite, the crying session after I reminded her the BF treats her like her father used to. Golden!

I did it twice over the phone and once in person. I only had about 30 of the facts down but I got her to tell all by just taking her side and playing good cop, and caring, supportive, non judgemental cop. It was also how I got out of false accusations and made her feel so bad about leaving a nice husband who won't play her games that she payed for the two divorces herself wanting nothing in return.:smthumbup:

All you have to do is swallow that anger, show them that you care..... or at least pretend to even though you want to see the OM/OW to roast over an open spit, and take away their ego trip by telling them "I know and don't care". <- That one really takes away the fun from cheating. You can't enjoy a secret love affair when you're told by your spouse that they've always known and don't care, and that they're just happy to be rid of you.:rofl:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Nsweet- no I haven't done that. The truth is Ive known where he lives since the end of January - its sort of fun watching him trying to cover his tracks- he just looks stupid. As for the ow - yes that one still gets me - especially since I know they live in this town- if I knew who it was it would probably answer any questions I have left ( ones he will not answer & I will not beg him for answers anymore) so I can move on & not look back. And yes I'm still angry - it gets less & less with each passing day - but I don't let him see that when I have to deal with him. I pretty much act indifferent - its all I can handle right now.


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