# How do I spot signals of reconciliation



## fredmila2

Hello,

I am seeking reconciliation with my estranged wife. She still lives in our house but we sleep in separate rooms, we have two young children. She says she is initiating the divorce proceedings soon. We had had a bad relationship before she told me about the divorce, to which I said I would agree, although, of course I do not want it -she knows I do not- as I love her dearly. I am using all the techniques they list in these sites: stay cool, do not plead, agree with her, no recrimination, give her space, do not talk about getting back together, etc. The bad relationship was mostly my fault. When she told me she wanted to divorce me, it was all shouting, hatred and resentment on her part. Curiously, at present we are getting on pretty well, mostly due to my change in attitude, which was very bad. We are now talking in friendly terms, but on her side it could be that she wants to part in good terms. I am trying to pick up signals that hint at her willingness to consider reconciliation. She would not admit to it so I do not ask her and I have to try and guess. Apart from the plans she tells me she has for her life after us, she also does other things that surprise me. Some of these may seem trivial to you but they signify a change for me after her bitter, hurtful and angry announcement that she wanted to divorce me. They are:

1- She laughs at my jokes.
2- We reminisce about the events that led to the birth of our daughters.
3- We have long conversations at dinner time, about everything and anything.
4- She now seldom gets annoyed with me.
5- She comes to my (home) office with anything trivial to talk about, when she hardly did it before.
6- She sometimes mentions the plans that we had for the future.
7- We talk about things we did as far back as 10 years ago, especially if they were fun.
8- She smiles a lot more to me.
9- She asks me to help tell our daughters off, if they had been naughty, which she never did before.
10- She asks me for advice on the things she wants to do, like getting a job.

Like I said, I do not want to read into it in a too optimistic way, when she is telling me about her plans for her future life without me at the same time. I am sure she has spotted my moves to win her back: some of them she does not mind (like friendly approaches), others she objects to (like presents).


----------



## Married in VA

Fred,
I am not seeing any signs of a desire to reconcile in what you are saying. To me it sounds like she is just keeping the peace until she can get out of the home. She may also want to part on good terms to avoid any feelings of guilt. When a woman starts talking about plans for the future without you, she is done. In her mind she has moved on emotionally an is envisioning a life without the albatross of "you" around her neck. Having a peaceful home is better than being at war with a spouse all the time. My STBXW and I are quite close and we do all the same things listed above in your post but make no mistake about it, we are NOT getting back together, my choice. 

Right now I would recommend you start concentrating on yourself and prepare yourself mentally for a life without your wife in it. By all means be civil and friendly with her but don't have any expectations for the future. Based on my personal experience you are heading for divorce absent some miracle. You just don't know the time line right now. Work on yourself and try to figure out why you treated her like crap all these years so you don't make the mistake again for the next Mrs Fredmila. Best of luck.


----------



## Anon Pink

I see signs of softening. 
1. If she laughs at your jokes she is enjoying your sense of humor. Thats a good sign. 
2. She is engaging and reminding herself of the good times. She still sees those good times untainted by anger or disappointment. Thats a good sign. 
3. Long conversations mean both of you still have an appreciable amount of compatibility. Thats a good sign. 
4. She seldom gets annoyed with you... Perhaps you are no longer doing or saying something, or not doing or not saying something, that triggers her anger/disappointment. Thats a good sign. 
5. She is seeking you out to engage with you. That is not a woman who is distancing herself. Thats a good sign. 
6. She has not completely walked away from your future together if she still talks about those plans. Unless it is to cancel reservations.
7. Same as number 2.
8. She smiles more because she is happier. Thats a good sign. 
9. She is partnering with you, bringing you in on important relevant tasks. Thats a good sign. 
10. She is seeking your input. This is also a potential mine field depending on what your original marital problems were about. 

Encourage her to grow and expand her knowledge of her strength and capabilities with out fear that her growth will leave you behind. Continue on the same path because what you are doing is working. She is relating to this new you.


----------



## fredmila

Married in VA,

I am sorry for you, you sound very bitter and that is what I am trying to avoid in myself by salvaging my marriage, even if I fail. I will be more bitter if I know I did not try my very best to get my wife back instead of admitting defeat in the early stages of the divorce.


----------



## fredmila

I also noticed another thing: since I became less hostile and desperate-looking (I am actually desperate but hiding it), she approaches me more often. It stands tol reason.

And another thing, she is testing me on my reactions to particular things she did that triggered anger in me. I spotted this very clearly, the other day, when she told me something that would normally upset me and then she watched me closely to see my reaction. Of course this time my reaction was almost like I was on Valium.


----------



## This is me

I think the only real positive sign is the willingness to do counselling. Have you approached her for the kids sake?

You can always preface with no pressure that if she ever gets the thought that you would be willing to go to MC. Agree you will pick one that you can both agree upon or keep looking. Make sure you get one who is Pro Marriage.

Just my humble thoughts. Wishing you well.


----------



## fredmila

This is me said:


> I think the only real positive sign is the willingness to do counselling. Have you approached her for the kids sake?
> 
> You can always preface with no pressure that if she ever gets the thought that you would be willing to go to MC. Agree you will pick one that you can both agree upon or keep looking. Make sure you get one who is Pro Marriage.
> 
> Just my humble thoughts. Wishing you well.


Thank you, but people who say that MC is the answer need to understand that there are people who will just not go to one of them, because they do not want strangers involved in their very private matters, because they think they should resolve their problems themselves or for other reasons. My wife is one of these people and she will not go. She hardly opens up to me on her deep emotions, let alone to a 'stranger'. She constantly talks to her mother and close friends about it but then I am not there to participate.


----------



## uncool

Yeah you need a professional who knows how to turn this around. It's not to late. see my private message.


----------



## fredmila

Anon Pink said:


> I see signs of softening.
> 1. If she laughs at your jokes she is enjoying your sense of humor. Thats a good sign.
> 2. She is engaging and reminding herself of the good times. She still sees those good times untainted by anger or disappointment. Thats a good sign.
> 3. Long conversations mean both of you still have an appreciable amount of compatibility. Thats a good sign.
> 4. She seldom gets annoyed with you... Perhaps you are no longer doing or saying something, or not doing or not saying something, that triggers her anger/disappointment. Thats a good sign.
> 5. She is seeking you out to engage with you. That is not a woman who is distancing herself. Thats a good sign.
> 6. She has not completely walked away from your future together if she still talks about those plans. Unless it is to cancel reservations.
> 7. Same as number 2.
> 8. She smiles more because she is happier. Thats a good sign.
> 9. She is partnering with you, bringing you in on important relevant tasks. Thats a good sign.
> 10. She is seeking your input. This is also a potential mine field depending on what your original marital problems were about.
> 
> Encourage her to grow and expand her knowledge of her strength and capabilities with out fear that her growth will leave you behind. Continue on the same path because what you are doing is working. She is relating to this new you.


Thank you, with feed back like this I can get ideas to work on all these things (but in a sincere way)


----------



## AlmostYoung

I agree with AP that you are already seeing good signs. Continue to be the husband only a fool would leave... but don't be a pushover who agrees with everthing she says. She may want a nicer you, but she also wants a strong confident man who she can respect.

Another signal that she is reconsidering D would be passed deadlines for moving out/moving on, or filing for D. I've seen this in my own sitch. W told me she would look for a place of her own after getting through her 'busy' period at work. That was last Sept. and she's still here and hasn't shown any signs of moving out. Apparently, I may not be the one holding her back from happiness after all.


----------



## hope4family

It could be a cry for help. That things are working out. It could also be her efforts for a peaceful exit. You know her better then we do. 

In my particular case. I saw a couple of these signs. But I didn't sense anything genuine. You are doing better then I did so keep it up. Remember though the 180 is about detachment. Don't give up.


----------



## fredmila

Thanks for the support. 

Yes, early this month she told me that she would move out and start the D immediately. Then I told her about motherly love so now she says she will get a job and stay 6 months. So, in principle it is for the children.

Funnily enough, with the signs I listed above, we are getting on better than at any time in the past 5 years and yes, I am being a better husband than at any time in the past 9 years (my bad temper has gone completely) but I am not assuming anything.

Just one thing about 'treating her like crap' as somebody said above. Even though I was not kind a lot of times, she is a strong woman and she gave as good as she took, so I never felt I was abusing her. A couple of times, when we had bad fights (not even physical), she called the police to get me out of the house, even though we were both just as bad in the fights; still, good on her she did that.


----------



## hope4family

fredmila said:


> Thanks for the support.
> 
> Yes, early this month she told me that she would move out and start the D immediately. Then I told her about motherly love so now she says she will get a job and stay 6 months. So, in principle it is for the children.
> 
> Funnily enough with the signs I listed above, we are getting on better than at any time in the past 5 years but I am not assuming anything.


As ironic as it sounds. What if she just wanted a job? Tired of being a SAHM? Women are complex creatures. Just like men, some communicate very clearly, others, not so much. 

She may find out in due time that she cares deeply for you, and even loves you as a husband. Just remember if she wants out. She doesn't have to stay either, neither do you need to tolerate disrespect. 

I leave you with one more positive response. Sometimes marriages need to be redefined to succeed. A roll needs to change. If you can be the man you are now and better the next six months. You will at least succeed in making her understand that you are a good man.


----------



## AlmostYoung

fredmila said:


> Yes, early this month she told me that she would move out and start the D immediately. Then I told her about motherly love so now she says she will get a job and stay 6 months. So, in principle it is for the children.


Great! That gives you six months to show her what a new marriage with you can be like. Continue to quietly work on yourself... actions speak louder than words. 

No more trying to convince her, or using the kids to guilt her into staying. Matter in fact, you want to avoid any relationship talks for now. 

For your marriage to work, staying has to be a choice she makes on her own, because she wants to be with you.


----------



## hope4family

A side note. (Do not answer if you are uncomfortable with it.) Are you intimate? I do not refer to sexual, but are your conversations intimate, (it sounds like they are)? Are you holding hands, kissing, hugging?


----------



## Amplexor

One of the things I warn people of during times of high marital anxiety is to not read too much into a retreating spouse's behaviors. Positive or negative I believe you are. Your wife has disconnected from you emotionally, lives rent free in her home for an indefinite time and does not need to provide any of the support, intimacy, sex or respect a spouse should. If you are following the rules of not discussing R and keeping your cool that is good but I fear you are simply treading water at this time. If she is unwilling to go to counselling inform her that you intend to go alone and not for the purpose of R but to try and understand how to make the divorce as easy on the kids as possible. Become emotionally cool towards her so she understands you are clearing the road for her to leave. Read Dobson's Love Must be Tough to understand how pursuit actually drives her further from you and strength in indifference can pull her back. And OBTW I am not a jaded and bitter spouse. My marriage survived my wife's emotional departure partly due to LMBT.


----------



## fredmila

hope4family said:


> A side note. (Do not answer if you are uncomfortable with it.) Are you intimate? I do not refer to sexual, but are your conversations intimate, (it sounds like they are)? Are you holding hands, kissing, hugging?


None of that I am afraid, we agreed to a kind of separation. As I said we sleep in different rooms. Although, yesterday she was feeling rough, I went and felt her forehead to see if she had a fever and she did not mind the brief contact.


----------



## Amplexor

fredmila said:


> Although, yesterday she was feeling rough, I went and felt her forehead to see if she had a fever and she did not mind the brief contact.


This is not intimacy, it is tolerance at best.


----------



## fredmila

I do not go after her that much, just the same as she approaches me. I take an interest in her job hunting, getting her driving licence, her health and other things. She asks me how my business is going, the results of my eye tests and small things like these.


----------



## fredmila

Amplexor said:


> This is not intimacy, its tolerance at best.


I never said it was intimacy, I said in my previous message that there was no intimacy.


----------



## fredmila

Amplexor said:


> One of the things I warn people of during times of high marital anxiety is to not read too much into a retreating spouse's behaviors. Positive or negative I believe you are. does not need to provide any of the support, .


She does provide some support, she is an accounts assistant and knows all about my tax and accounts affairs. She is helping me with that. Again, I am not taking this as a sign she wants me back.

It is a bit unfair to say that my wife lives here rent free. She worked until September last year, her parents have sent her money recently and she gets some government support for the kids.

BTW, what is LMBT? I really do not know the abbreviations used by the regulars here.


----------



## Amplexor

fredmila said:


> She does provide some support, she is an accounts assistant and knows all about my tax and accounts affairs. She is helping me with that. Again, I am not taking this as a sign she wants me back.


That is business support, roommate support, friend support. Not marital support. My point is that you need to up the game if you really want her back and not concentrate on the menial crumbs she is giving you. She has stated she wants out, you need to step away and say you are OK with that. When?


----------



## fredmila

AlmostYoung said:


> Great! actions speak louder than words.
> 
> .


I definitely agree that actions speak louder than words. For instance, these days I take and collect the kids to/from school as well as their private classes and clubs, in the car, every day rather than letting her walk in the snow.
I do not know if she appreciates it (she does not say anything) but I do it anyway without expecting gratitude.


----------



## fredmila

Amplexor said:


> That is business support, roommate support, friend support. Not marital support. My point is that you need to up the game if you really want her back and not concentrate on the menial crumbs she is giving you. She has stated she wants out, you need to step away and say you are OK with that. When?


I have already told her I would sign the divorce papers. The ball is in her court. Or are you expecting me to kick her out?

And believe me, I do need that support on the accounts.... A flatmate has no obligation to work for their flatmates for free


----------



## Amplexor

fredmila said:


> The ball is in her court.


BINGO, that says it all. She is in control of the situation not you. I really am not trying to bust your balls, just look at it from a different perspective. I think you are grasping at straws in her actions. Read the book and see if it applies to your situation. You will probably think it is counter-intuitive to what you want to accomplish but in reality it may just be what she needs to get off the fence and try and recover.


----------



## fredmila

Amplexor said:


> BINGO, that says it all. She is in control of the situation not you. I really am not trying to bust your balls, just look at it from a different perspective. I think you are grasping at straws in her actions. Read the book and see if it applies to your situation. You will probably think it is counter-intuitive to what you want to accomplish but in reality it may just be what she needs to get off the fence and try and recover.


Is it not pretty evident that she is in control of the situation? She wants the divorce and I do not. The only way I could take control is if I started the divorce proceeding before she does.


----------



## caladan

Amplexor said:


> BINGO, that says it all. She is in control of the situation not you. I really am not trying to bust your balls, just look at it from a different perspective. I think you are grasping at straws in her actions. Read the book and see if it applies to your situation. You will probably think it is counter-intuitive to what you want to accomplish but in reality it may just be what she needs to get off the fence and try and recover.


I see your point, but I'm not sure that's necessary. What I do see here is that they're having a reasonable post-marriage relationship, albeit a one-sided one since the OP still hopes for R.

Being served is one of the most painful parts of a D. I have a number of mates whose marriage is over, but have held back on the D to spare their ex-es the trauma of that process... for now. They're mostly legally separated though.


----------



## fredmila

caladan said:


> I see your point, but I'm not sure that's necessary. What I do see here is that they're having a reasonable post-marriage relationship, albeit a one-sided one since the OP still hopes for R.


Yes, but if we both wanted the divorce, there would not be a problem and I would not be here asking for advice.

In fact, I think that the only reason she has not served me with the divorce papers is because I have said I would sign them.


----------



## AlmostYoung

The mistake some make when advising situations like yours, is that you need to force her to make an immediate decision. You already know what she wants _right now_. Do you really want to tough love her into making that decision? 

Is cornering and forcing someone to recommit really the best route for a lasting, loving relationship? I say it is not. Better she comes back because she decides she wants back in. For the marriage to work, you want _her_ to chase _you_.

What you need is time for her to change her perception of the marriage. Take your time, no need to rush here. It took a long time for her to come to the conclusion that the M is over. It will take plenty long for her to sign back in.


----------



## sharkeey

fredmila said:


> Is it not pretty evident that she is in control of the situation? She wants the divorce and I do not. The only way I could take control is if I started the divorce proceeding before she does.


You could also back off and not be so attainable and available every time she calls and wants to get together. 

Get busy doing other things, don't get back to her right away, have some conflicts in your schedule that don't always make it possible to see her. If she asks if there's someone else tell her you don't want to go there. Be mysterious.



fredmila said:


> Yes, early this month she told me that she would move out and start the D immediately. Then I told her about motherly love so now she says she will get a job and stay 6 months. So, in principle it is for the children.


You "told her about motherly love" so she's staying another 6 months. What does this even mean? Why does a mother need to told about motherly love? Why would that compell her to look for a job and stick around longer? Whatever it means, it's obvious you're trying to find reasons for her to stay longer and that's all part of the whole "you gotta back off and stop pressuring her and acting like you can't survive if she moves out".


----------



## fredmila

sharkeey said:


> You could also back off and not be so attainable and available every time she calls and wants to get together.
> 
> Get busy doing other things, don't get back to her right away, have some conflicts in your schedule that don't always make it possible to see her. If she asks if there's someone else tell her you don't want to go there. Be mysterious.
> 
> 
> 
> You "told her about motherly love" so she's staying another 6 months. What does this even mean? Why does a mother need to told about motherly love? Why would that compell her to look for a job and stick around longer? Whatever it means, it's obvious you're trying to find reasons for her to stay longer and that's all part of the whole "you gotta back off and stop pressuring her and acting like you can't survive if she moves out".


The only part of the 180 degree 'strategy' I do not like is the one where you ignore her when she needs you. She has already told me that one of the main reasons she wants to divorce me is because I did not come to her when she needed my help, a number of times. So why would I now make myself even less available, in order to try and rescue our marriage?

The thing about motherly love is more complicated in our history. I told her about it because it did not look like she was thinking about her children from where I stood. Now that I have told her and that she reacted to it I will shut up and will concentrate on making myself more attactive physically (she complained about my appearance in her announcement that she wanted to leave) and more attractive as a husband.

No, the fact that she is looking for a job has little to do with the motherly love thing. She was already looking for a job before all this started.

However, I do not turn my back on her when she wants me to help on anything. Sorry, but my attitude now is to make myself available to her any time she needs me, without following her everywhere. I am always in another part of the house until she needs my help. I know how this will sound to some of you but I already have a lot of things to do in my work and going to the gym and doing things for the kids. Just this evening she asked me to carry our little daughter to her bed from the sofa, where she had fallen asleep near her mother, and there was no way I was going to say no to that.

'Be mysterious' yes this is interesting. The other day I came back one hour later than usual, from taking the girls to school, and the first thing she asked me, when I crossed the door was where I had been!


----------



## sharkeey

fredmila said:


> The only part of the 180 degree 'strategy' I do not like is the one where you ignore her when she needs you.


Find where I ever said or suggested you "ignore" her. I'll save you the trouble, I never posted that. I said be less attainable, be busy, don't be so available, be mysterious. 



fredmila said:


> So why would I now make myself even less available, in order to try and rescue our marriage?


Because people want what they can't have. Because independent, mysterious, and less attainable is attractive. Because you need to alter your attitude to one of "my marriage is probably over, I need to start thinking more about myself rather than about what she wants, she's stated her position and I cant change her mind only my own attitude".



fredmila said:


> and will concentrate on making myself more attactive physically (she complained about my appearance in her announcement that she wanted to leave) and more attractive as a husband.


If you want to be more attractive, do all the gym stuff, lose the weight, build the muscle, and be less attainable, more independent, etc etc



fredmila said:


> However, I do not turn my back on her when she wants me to help on anything. Sorry, but my attitude now is to make myself available to her any time she needs me, without following her everywhere.


I think you got the right idea, it's a tough balance but you're still way too accessible to her. Doormats are not attractive. She wants out. Dont be such a.. I don't know.. well a doormat is still the best word for it.



fredmila said:


> Just this evening she asked me to carry our little daughter to her bed from the sofa, where she had fallen asleep near her mother, and there was no way I was going to say no to that.


I wouldn't say no to that request either. 



fredmila said:


> 'Be mysterious' yes this is interesting. The other day I came back one hour later than usual, from taking the girls to school, and the first thing she asked me, when I crossed the door was where I had been!


Told ya. I hope you said "I was out for a while" or words to that effect.

As opposed to "some guy on an anonymous internet relationship board told me to leave the house to build mystery".


----------



## fredmila

sharkeey said:


> Told ya. I hope you said "I was out for a while" or words to that effect.
> 
> As opposed to "some guy on an anonymous internet relationship board told me to leave the house to build mystery".


Heh heh, I could just send her the link to this thread


----------



## fredmila

*The woman's art of mixed signals*

Here is an example of how my wife sends me mixed signals that leave me perplexed.

Background: When she announced that she wanted a divorce, early this month of January, she told me very clearly that she wanted NOTHING from me as settlement, she just wanted the divorce in February and to leave that month too.

Now, as I said it in a previous posting, I spoke to her about the children and she told me she would stay for another 6 months, in the meantime she would get the divorce in around March.

In the past few days she told me that her father was giving her £4000 to buy herself a car in June. I said little as I assumed I would be out of the picture by then (and another man would be in perhaps). She has talked about the car, twice, since then. Today she came to me and started talking about the car and that what she wanted cost £8000, so I said I would give her the rest of the money to buy the car; she did not object. Then I told her she needed to leave some money for insurance, tax, etc. She replied that she had been advised that it would be cheaper if I got the insurance for the car (I think she said that the car would be in my name) and that she could be named as an additional driver.

Hang on a sec, it would be me as her husband who would own the car and the insurance policy and that I would nominate my wife as the second driver. So are we not supposed to be divorced and away from each other by then? Even if it is possible for a friend to get a car and own the insurance for another friend, does it not stand to reason that I would not be happy to be buying her these things after she sued me for divorce and that she would probably have moved in with another man by then? So why would she not expect the new man to do these things for her? Why is she suggesting doing these things in June, with me, when recently she told me she wanted out of this marriage and house ASAP?


----------



## caladan

*Re: The woman's art of mixed signals*



fredmila said:


> Here is an example of how my wife sends me mixed signals that leave me perplexed.
> 
> Background: When she announced that she wanted a divorce, early this month of January, she told me very clearly that she wanted NOTHING from me as settlement, she just wanted the divorce in February and to leave that month too.
> 
> Now, as I said it in a previous posting, I spoke to her about the children and she told me she would stay for another 6 months, in the meantime she would get the divorce in around March.
> 
> In the past few days she told me that her father was giving her £4000 to buy herself a car in June. I said little as I assumed I would be out of the picture by then (and another man would be in perhaps). She has talked about the car, twice, since then. Today she came to me and started talking about the car and that what she wanted cost £8000, so I said I would give her the rest of the money to buy the car; she did not object. Then I told her she needed to leave some money for insurance, tax, etc. She replied that she had been advised that it would be cheaper if I got the insurance for the car (I think she said that the car would be in my name) and that she could be named as an additional driver.
> 
> Hang on a sec, it would be me as her husband who would own the car and the insurance policy and that I would nominate my wife as the second driver. So are we not supposed to be divorced and away from each other by then? Even if it is possible for a friend to get a car and own the insurance for another friend, does it not stand to reason that I would not be happy to be buying her these things after she sued me for divorce and that she would probably have moved in with another man by then? So why would she not expect the new man to do these things for her? Why is she suggesting doing these things in June, with me, when recently she told me she wanted out of this marriage and house ASAP?


You need to ask her.

I do ask YOU though, why are you giving your STBX $4K? I'm curious.


----------



## fredmila

"You need to ask her"

She will never give me a straight answer and if I enquire, she will immediately realise that I am willing to give her the money to make my way back to her.

"I do ask YOU though, why are you giving your STBX $4K? I'm curious." 

I consider the money is really hers, it comes from a property I own and I invested in, in terms of money, and in which she invested in terms of support for me and helping me develop it. She is not named as an owner. It just so happens that she said she did not want anything from it (or a court battle for a good chunk of it)


----------



## caladan

fredmila said:


> "You need to ask her"
> 
> She will never give me a straight answer and if I enquire, she will immediately realise that I am willing to give her the money to make my way back to her.
> 
> "I do ask YOU though, why are you giving your STBX $4K? I'm curious."
> 
> I consider the money is really hers, it comes from a property I own and I invested in, in terms of money, and in which she invested in terms of support for me and helping me develop it. She is not named as an owner. It just so happens that she said she did not want anything from it (or a court battle for a good chunk of it)


No problem.

To be fair, I would give my ex money for a car as well - I'm not bitter about what happened.


----------



## fredmila

caladan said:


> No problem.
> 
> To be fair, I would give my ex money for a car as well - I'm not bitter about what happened.


To be honest, in my case I will find it very difficult to be happy to help her with the car if she leaves me, especially if she goes with another man. He could do that, it would be his first instalment in a long term payment period.


----------



## AlmostYoung

fredmila said:


> To be honest, in my case I will find it very difficult to be happy to help her with the car if she leaves me, especially if she goes with another man. He could do that, it would be his first instalment in a long term payment period.


You said the car would be in your name only. So if she leaves or hooks up with OM you could always take it back. This way you're not cutting her off now while she's still with you, but not financing her moving on if she does.


----------



## sharkeey

AlmostYoung said:


> You said the car would be in your name only. So if she leaves or hooks up with OM you could always take it back.


They're still married and there isn't even a divorce process yet.

The car is joint marital property regardless of whose name is on the title.

He can't just take it back. 

She'd have grounds to maintain the possession if she petitions the court and explains the car was purchased for her exclusive use.


----------



## peetybird

If you have some time to read a bit, I would highly recommend the following: Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan. It has helped me a great deal in understanding what is going on behind the scenes. On a side note, I am not convinced she is sending signals of reconciliation. Women are complicated and their emotions cloud their behavior when it is deeply emotional (at least this is how my STBXW is). Good luck, but don't get your hopes too high.


----------



## that_girl

Biggest sign: She says she wants to work things out.

Everything else is just life and being comfortable. I'm there with my husband/STBX. We hang out, laugh, live together...friends. But neither of us is asking to try again. Nope.


----------



## fredmila

sharkeey said:


> They're still married and there isn't even a divorce process yet.
> 
> The car is joint marital property regardless of whose name is on the title.
> 
> He can't just take it back.
> 
> She'd have grounds to maintain the possession if she petitions the court and explains the car was purchased for her exclusive use.


Believe that I am not going to get into a legal dispute for my £4000 worth of the car, there are much more important things to consider


----------



## fredmila

that_girl said:


> Biggest sign: She says she wants to work things out.
> 
> Everything else is just life and being comfortable. I'm there with my husband/STBX. We hang out, laugh, live together...friends. But neither of us is asking to try again. Nope.


Well I do not get it, remember the saying "marry your best friend" so you are both thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere or at least you need one of you to entice the other to try again. When both agree you are not interested in each other anymore, there is no problem.

I am precisely working on trying to be best friends with my wife, again, so that she stops seeing me as the enemy and someone she can trust, instead.


----------



## fredmila

sharkeey said:


> be mysterious.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Told ya. I hope you said "I was out for a while" or words to that effect.
> 
> As opposed to "some guy on an anonymous internet relationship board told me to leave the house to build mystery".


Talking about being mysterious, I am going to start going out in the evening, wearing my best rags, and I will not tell her where I am going. The other day I wore a smart suit to go out and she did pay attention to me, she even smiled.


----------

