# Please help me understand him!



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all. I need a mans point of view please. I already have 2 threads about my situation but will give a brief background:
Married 18 years
3 children
Husband always been very loving and wonderful father
Usual money worries and marital ups and downs
Husband had EAwith co worker in April that lasted about 8 weeks. All txting. 
No evidence that anything is still going on and I believe him that it's over, although he still works with her.
Lots if guilt, remorse, sadness in H part.
Me, absolutely devastated.
So after the initial shock and devastating aftermath we appeared to reconnect. Lost of fun, sex and doing stuff together. Difficult at times, obviously as I am very emotional and find it extremely difficult to hide my feelings. He told me loved me I thought we were on the mend.
So the last 2 weeks have been a nightmare. I feel we are back to square when. When I am upset, he becomes withdrawn. He finds it very difficult to talk so I have suggested we will not talk Abiut the EA anymore. Just focus on us. Anyway on Thursday he told me he thinks it's just too difficult, he is struggling with everything. He said he loves me and cares for me but the spark is gone. He is distant and we haven't had sex for 2 weeks. He is very down and not himself at all. Whereas I have become needy and desperate.
I love my husband so much and do not want my marriage to end. I have told him I forgive him and am willing to move on. I know he finds the whole situation stressful.
Is he still in the fog?
Is there still hope for us?
He doesn't want to move out and I don't want him too. We still sleep in the same bed and he treats me well. I'm so confused! What do I need to do? I am desperately trying not to be needy and stop myself from being over affectionate, it's so difficult when he is lying next to me. He still holds me until we fall asleep. I can't believe there isn't hope for us! I just need so
Advice on how to deal with the situation.
Thanks in advance x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Is he around 40?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Is he around 40?



40 next march!!!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to be honest I think it's a strong possibility that the EA started up again, but more underground


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> 40 next march!!!


Many things come up for "review" at this time in a man's life.

Who is the "warmer" more affectionate partner? You or him?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> to be honest I think it's a strong possibility that the EA started up again, but more underground


He swears it's over. There is no evidence that it has. But I'm not ruling it out. I really don't think it has though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Many things come up for "review" at this time in a man's life.
> 
> Who is the "warmer" more affectionate partner? You or him?


Always used to be him. Now he is very withdrawn. I'm craving the attention he used to give me,and yes, at times, I did reject his affections!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He's still cheating. Doesn't matter how old he is or who is the warmer partner. He chose to cheat/continues to cheat, is leaving because he is a coward and not willing to put in the hard work to fix the damage he caused. 
Post this to the infidelity section and you will get a much different response than what you have already received here. Namely blameshifting. Do not accept that his choice in this was/is your fault. It is 100% on him.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He's still cheating. Doesn't matter how old he is or who is the warmer partner. He chose to cheat/continues to cheat, is leaving because he is a coward and not willing to put in the hard work to fix the damage he caused.
> Post this to the infidelity section and you will get a much different response than what you have already received here. Namely blameshifting. Do not accept that his choice in this was/is your fault. It is 100% on him.


He's not leaving. I didn't say he was. He has never said he wants too. There is no evidence that he is still cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He's not leaving. I didn't say he was. He has never said he wants too. There is no evidence that he is still cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I assumed that him saying it was too difficult to work things out that he was either physically leaving or emotionally leaving the marriage. I am sorry you are in this situation. Awful.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Always used to be him. Now he is very withdrawn. I'm craving the attention he used to give me,and yes, at times, I did reject his affections!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Daisy,

Here's some good news.

Since he "was" the warmer partner, there's a good chance if you discover his love language and follow the marriage builders stuff, you will win him back.

Just don't panic and stay with it.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I assumed that him saying it was too difficult to work things out that he was either physically leaving or emotionally leaving the marriage. I am sorry you are in this situation. Awful.


Maybe he has emotionally. But I haven't. And I'm not giving up!
Thanks for your input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Daisy,
> 
> Here's some good news.
> 
> ...


I'm trying to be patient and calm! Easier said than done. He's away for a few days so it's giving us both some space. Things are a bit tense at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I'm trying to be patient and calm! Easier said than done. He's away for a few days so it's giving us both some space. Things are a bit tense at the moment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is he away?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Why is he away?


He's gone to visit his dad. He's sick. Cancer maybe! We find out tomorrow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

OK. If he had just gone away to "get some space" then it might have brought some unwanted clarity to your situation. But this is obviously different.


----------



## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

I agree with Conrad - win him back with whatever you won him with the first time. Put your neediness aside for a week, and concentrate on loving him and wooing him back. discover his love language and use it. feeling for ya! oh, and praying helps too.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

20yrs said:


> I agree with Conrad - win him back with whatever you won him with the first time. Put your neediness aside for a week, and concentrate on loving him and wooing him back. discover his love language and use it. feeling for ya! oh, and praying helps too.


I am going to try. I think I might be putting too much pressure on us both and trying to fix it too quickly. I know I need to be patient. 
Yes he cheated, but he is not a cheater. I have never had any reason to mistrust him in the past. He made a mistake and we are both hurting. He needs to forgive himself and move on if we have any chance in succeeding. I love my husband, he made a mistake. I feel so sad about it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

His story sounds close to mine. I'm a little over a month out from being caught in my EA. I am struggling to forgive myself. My wife forgave me 2 days after being caught. The internal shame of what I had done is still weighing on me very heavily. Add the regular part of grieving the death of a relationship (the EA - even though it was not based in reality), experiencing mid-life issues, and seeing my wife hurting has screwed up my mind something awful. 

I've gone from "I can't be your husband anymore because I cheated on you" to "I want to be your husband, but I don't know what love is anymore". And everywhere in-between. 

Get him to IC right away. It's helping me. If you really want him, then keep loving him. But don't change who you are, or it will look fake to him. Be yourself, and love him like you always have. Talk with him, and let him talk to you about what happened and how he feels. If he starts to say things that you aren't ready to hear just yet, tell him to hold that until you are strong enough to hear it.

What has helped me is that my wife took the place of my EA partner in the form of texting back and forth throughout the day, and emailing more often as well. 

I won't lie in that I still have feelings for the OW. But the feelings fade a little more each day, and it replaced with reality. 

Good luck!


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hertoo: Thankyou for being so open and honest. Sounds to me like my H is going through the same as you at the moment. How are things with you and your wife? Are you able to show her affection or is it difficult? I really struggle with this and at times it's unbearable. I know I just need to give him time and be as strong as I can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

There are good days, and not so good (not bad) days for both of us. She is afraid that she will lose me. I'm confused about everything right now. Understand that the EA is like a powerful drug, and going cold turkey is tough. Being completely transparent and maintaining no contact is helping my wife see that I'm no longer in an EA, and that I am working on fixing our marriage.

It wears on her very much. She was crying in bed last night. She is so afraid that I will leave her. All I can do is tell her that I'm getting help to make sure that I never do. What doesn't help is her asking me if I truly love her. I never questioned it before she asked. Now I do, as I do everything else. 

Do tell him that you need to feel his touch, even if it's just a hand on your thigh while sitting side-by-side. But it has to be real, and he can't fake it. Touch him, hold his hand while walking together. Be normal and loving. 

Being the one that cheated, I punish myself because she is not punishing me. I think it's the fear of losing me that prevents her from doing so. At times I feel like I don't deserve to be with her, touch her, kiss her, or love her because of what I did. And I told her this several times. 

Keep in constant normal life communication with him. Chat about groceries that you or he need in the house, things like that. I have found that I have lost interest in most everything when it comes to entertainment (TV, indoors, shopping, movies, outdoor sports, you name it). It makes having fun together tough. And time alone just allows my mind to wander and think about the OW and how she is doing, and the bad thing I did. I have to deal with it and get past it over time.

Feel free to ask me anything. You can send me a private message if you don't want to post it here. 

You will make it through this, but there is no instant repair kit that I know if. And I keep looking for one!


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Daisy. My story is very similar to HerToo's, but I'm farther out from D day, about 17 months now. I agree with Hertoo. Just because he's struggling doesn't mean he's gone back into the affair. I know and understand that betrayed spouses don't want to hear about or care about the pain and struggles of waywards but some of us pay huge prices. Those prices are not comparable to those of the betrayed spouse because ours are self inflicted and we earned them but that doesn't mean that they aren't very real and that they can't be very difficult to work through. Even this far out I still find myself periodically feeling like nothing so much as scrambled eggs on the inside. If you love your spouse it is unbelievable how much having betrayed them by establishing an emotional connection with an OM/OW will mess you up.

Having said all of that, returning to the affair is also a possibility so be vigilant. I think most of us waywards here who are successfully reconciling will tell you that having to be accountable to our spouse helps us to avoid the temptation to reconnect with the OM/OW. 

Understand he's fighting some pretty big demons of his own. That doesn't relieve him of his duties to do the heavy lifting of reconciliation but it does mean that he may have some strange reactions as he deals with what he's done.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Well said sigma1299.


----------



## KT403 (Oct 25, 2011)

I am not sure on the exact situation, the EA is probably providing something you are not. A man's desires can change for several reasons. Perhaps he feels more confident in himself, a woman such as the EA may not have given him the time of day 18 years ago and now he is one of the best in that age bracket. Some men are natural cheaters, some men will love their woman no matter what and be faithful forever and some men may stray but not feel good about it for various reasons. You have to keep the spice in the sex life with most men, not just physical, including conversations. Perhaps you changed physically in way he does not feel attracted, he may be bored with the lifestyle and conversations. Most likely there is something(s) that turned him off in your entire relationship. If you can tolerate it, let him have the affair..without bugging him about it. He is probably deciding how to get the best of both worlds. Spice it up for him and see his reaction, coming to bed in flannel and cream on your face is not answer. Women need to realize, just because the ring is on the finger, a man's attention is not permanently fixed on you. He may have married you for the wrong reasons, when a man loves a woman he will feel like he wants to hand her the world, not just because she will make a good mom.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sigma - I understand that he is also going through a lot of turmoil at the moment and I am willing to give him time to get over her. But how long do I give him? It's going to get to the point I think when I just feel like it will be easier to call it a day. But I'm not giving up yet.

After the initial dday he continued to txt her for about another month. I begged him twice to stop, still couldn't admit it was more than friends, in the end I told him to do what he wants just know how much it hurts me that you are still txting her, and he stopped! There has been NC outside of work since middle of June. But of course I can't control the work situation, but he is home on time every day and never goes in early. I have to believe him. I understand it must be difficult for him to see her everyday. She is also married, with 2 children under 10! Not do easy to walk awY from either!

As I said he is away for a few days at the moment. There is calm in the house. I miss him but I feel less stressed. It scares me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

KT403- So are you saying his EA was my fault? I understand I had a part to play in all of this but HE chose to have an affair instead of coming to me and talking about it. He has to take responsibility for that. Yes I'm 41 now but I promise you I am no flanalette wearing old hag Thankyou very much : - )

Ps I just read your thread so I understand where u are coming from. I wish you well!


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sigma - I understand that he is also going through a lot of turmoil at the moment and I am willing to give him time to get over her. But how long do I give him? It's going to get to the point I think when I just feel like it will be easier to call it a day. But I'm not giving up yet.


Daisy, I think the only answer to this is that you give him as long as you can. I will tell you this though. After the initial trauma of D day had passed and life began to return to normal my wife and I were doing great and I really thought we'd have this behind us within a year. I found this site 8 months after D Day because I couldn't reconcile that fact that I was fully recommitted to my marriage, knew that I love my wife and want to be married to her; but still had overwhelming thoughts of the OW and the affair running around in my head. From this site I learned that statistically it takes 2 - 5 years to get fully beyond infidelity, I didn't believe that when I first arrived here but I do now. As a wayward who is successfully reconciling it's difficult to work through things - there is no one to talk to. He can't exactly talk to you, you understandably don't want to hear about it if the OW is running around in his head - even if he doesn't want her there. He certainly can't talk to the OW. He likely can't talk to any of his friends or family - it's a lonely place and difficult to walk yourself through. BUT. As the wayward it is part of the heavy lifting to do what he has to work through it. If he can't get there himself or if he's wallowing and it's affecting you then he must get to individual counseling. It is up to him to push himself through it. I think that were I on the other side as long as I believed progress was being made I would support my spouse. If I arrived at a point where I thought my wayward spouse was wallowing or clinging to memories of the affair I would voice my concern and that it was affecting me and I felt they needed to get whatever help necessary to continue to move on. Personally I have not yet had to go to counseling but I've been close. 



daisygirl 41 said:


> After the initial dday he continued to txt her for about another month. I begged him twice to stop, still couldn't admit it was more than friends, in the end I told him to do what he wants just know how much it hurts me that you are still txting her, and he stopped! There has been NC outside of work since middle of June. But of course I can't control the work situation, but he is home on time every day and never goes in early. I have to believe him. I understand it must be difficult for him to see her everyday. She is also married, with 2 children under 10! Not do easy to walk awY from either!


My wife and I basically did this same thing. I told my wife that I needed to reestablish contact to get closure and to see if I could glue my AP back together so I knew she would be OK. My wife agreed and I spent the next three weeks texting and emailing the OW with my wife reading every word of it - what utter rubbish on my part. I owe my wife a debt for putting up with it and letting me work my own way through it but like the rest of the affair it was totally selfish on my part. I would have been better off to have left it alone and spared her the pain of reading all of it. 



daisygirl 41 said:


> As I said he is away for a few days at the moment. There is calm in the house. I miss him but I feel less stressed. It scares me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing wrong with this. You have both been through quite a lot emotionally. A chance to catch your breath and decompress a little is fine. Communicate with each other. A lot. Keep talking about it, the how, the why, how you each feel, how each feel about what the other is feeling. Really explore every faucet of it. The more the two of you deal with the better off you will be in the long run.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No intent to hijack this thread. 

You were allowed to contact the AP with permission from your wife? Wow! That would have been really bad for me. I'm glad I didn't get that option.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yes. I'm a good salesman. I broke contact for two months, only receiving the random message from the OW, they were all "I miss you" "how can you just walk away" type messages. One day I finally had enough and responded while I was in a meeting. We swapped message, all platonic, for about an hour. I got out of the meeting and told my wife. After that I had the idea that if I could go back, and get and give a "good" goodbye that I could somehow end both mine and the OW's pain. I knew it would be hard on my wife but I thought a quicker, if more painful, ending would be better. Long story, short. I didn't get the good goodbye, I did nothing to alleviate the OW's pain or mine. I only managed to drag the whole thing on longer than it would have otherwise and thus cause myself, my wife and OW more pain than we would have had otherwise. That damn fog can make you believe some very silly stuff. I would have been better off had I not had that option either.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's what would happen to me as well. Wouldn't it been much less pain to just slam the car door on your man parts?


----------



## just_dream (Oct 25, 2011)

If the EA is still working at the same place as he, relying on anykind of evidence is like making a fool out of urself. It cant be assumed tht he is back in the relaitionship;However, he may be finding it challenging to overcome because he is constantly being in contact with her ...and perhaps he is being manipulated from her side ....


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> That's what would happen to me as well. Wouldn't it been much less pain to just slam the car door on your man parts?



That made me laugh and cringe at the same time, but yes I do think the car door would have hurt less. Can I have the door of a Corolla vs. a Town Car please???


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Valet service is available too if needed.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Oh I suspect there'd be a line for that!! I just can't decide if my wife or my AP would be first?? :scratchhead:


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Back to the thread subject

I hope you (Daisygirl) are doing well.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Back to the thread subject
> 
> I hope you (Daisygirl) are doing well.


I'm ok thanks. Don't worry About hijacking!
I have read all the post a number if times and I want to thank you all for your honesty. I am truly torn. I live my husband so much but there's only so much I can take also. I can't respond properly to the post at the moment but I am grateful for all ur input.

He Is due back from his dads today and I have been visiting my sister. I am pleased to say that i have managed not to be needy in my Txts to him, just kept it pleasant and off topic. I'm nervous about seeing him though. But I will great him with a hug and a kiss as I always do and will take it from there.

Thanks all got your support. Will check in 2 morro x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gaoshengme (Oct 27, 2011)

We find out tomorrow!


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all
Well we both got home yesterday, a quick peck on the cheek and the tension in the air was evident straight away. Made polite chit chat and all had supper together but u can cut the atmosphere with a knife. So I made a decision. I have to look after myself for the sake of my own sanity and the kids. I have to let him go. Very difficult and devastating. For 18 years we have lived in each others pockets so it's going to be difficult.

So we talked. I asked him what he wanted, he said, it's not about what he wants but about doing the right thing! I asked him how he felt when he saw me walking up the path. He said guilt and shame! He worries about me constantly but he just doesn't think it's going to work. So I said ok, we stick it out until Xmas then one of us leaves. He said he'd go. This was my home and he would never ask me to leave. We both agreed though the if it gets too much for either of us that he would move out before Xmas. I cried, he cried, we held each other, he apologised, I apologised but we agreed it was for the best.

I've taken my wedding off and given it back to him. He broke down. I told him to look after it just in case he wanted to give it back to me one day, but I told him that I'm nit going to wait around for ever! We are still in the same bed, crazy I know, but one step at a time, I'm not ready for him to sleep on the sofa yet. We also agreed that as long as we were under the same roof there would be no one else. He promised. I believe him.

So, here's the deal, got up this morning just doing my own thing, he comes over and pats me on the bum!!! WTF!! Lol. I just gave him the 'whatever'! Look!!

I feel better. I feel kinda relieved. It's as if its giving us a bit of breathing space. There is far less tension in the air today. Maybe by letting him go he won't feel so smothered by me and in time we can get through it, of course that's what I'm hoping for but if it doesn't happen then at least I am preparing myself for it, and it'll be tough but I know I'll be ok in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sorry for sp mistakes. Difficult doing a long post on iPhone! X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Help me understand him!!!!! Arghh!!!

So after 3 weeks of no affection no compliments, nothing! Guess what? I am mentally separating myself from him, so spent the day away from him and decided to go out with my girlfriends last night to a charity event. So as I'm about to leave he says 'you look lovely, really pretty'!!! Thankyou I say and go out the door with a smile. He Txts me 3 times while I am out, I just txt him once to let him know I'm on my way home! Coffee and toast waiting for me when I get through the door. Then HE starts talking about US!! The first time since this has all started, he had never initiated conversation about it before!!! I keep my cool and still talk about separating after Xmas and so we go to bed. So we have a bit if a giggle and a cuddle and there's old mr pointy poking in my back!!! 
He has had no sexual desire for 3 weeks!! I'm afraid I gave in. I have needs too!! 

So today I need to stay strong. I had the urge to hug and kiss him this morning but I've just got up to shower and make my breakfast. Stay calm! Keep cool! I know thus doesn't mean anything has changed, but who knows, in time, maybe it will! I've just got to keep remembering that I cannot rely on him to make me happy. I have to do that for myself!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I am so confused. We have had agood couple of days. Been walking, shopping. Spending time together. Haven't really talked a out the situation, I've not been needy or over emotional. Went to bed Saturday night and he hugged me tight. I cuddled him back and went to initiate sex and he told me to stop. He just wanted a hug. I felt rejected and sad. So it's ok for him to initiate sex but not me? I cried Sunday morning and he held me and said sorry that he is still hurting me. I just don't understand him. He went to work this morning, he came and hugged me and kissed me before he we went and said he wld txt me later. 

I dont know what he wants from me but then again I don't think he knows what he wants either!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm so sad this evening. I miss my husband. I need him. I want him to tell me he loves me. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I'm trying to be strong but it's so difficult. He says he loves me and cares about me, finds me sexy, but the spark has gone! He's given up on us. It's too difficult. How can he just check out after 18 years. It's killing me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Daisy,

I know he's around 40 years old.

Any signs of erectile dysfunction?


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Daisy,
> 
> I know he's around 40 years old.
> 
> Any signs of erectile dysfunction?


More like brain dysfunction! :lol:


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He told me yesterday he feels sorry for me - that made me angry!
He says when we separate he wants us to still do things together and as a family - that confuses me!
I went to kiss him this morning before he went to work- he turned his cheek to me - that made me so sad!

We can't afford for him to move out before Xmas
I don't want him to go but I think the time has come
I'm heartbroken and just wish I could toughen up and bloody stop crying!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

