# What is wrong with me????



## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Am I married to the only man in the world who has a rare interest in sex? I can't take it anymore. I have a very high sex drive and this is a real problem for me. I am 10 years younger than my husband, but he is fully capable of being intimate with me. I just don't understand how a person can completely ignore another in the same home. Obviously, this isn't the only problem. My husband would live like this forever.........grrrrr so frustrated. Any advise, anyone?


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## sixtieschic (Sep 27, 2008)

No! You're not the only one. We've been married for 21 yrs and have always struggled with sex. He's given me a thousand and one reasons -- everything from "I don't want to bother you" to "I'm no good at it". 

We've talked and talked and talked to no avail. He's just not into it. Right now it's been probably six months or more since we've had ANY physical contact. He tells me he loves me just about every day. He's sweet and generous and a good husband. He just doesn't like sex. 

Today I will tell you that I'm ok, that I've accepted it and our marriage is more than sex. But there are many many many days that I feel I can't go on. 

So, I guess I don't have any advice for you and I'll wait to see if someone who can help us both comes along.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Both of you... it's time to get busy.

I think with some men, you have to push, and motivate them. I'm convinced that there are things you can do to make it better, but you've got to be 100% dedicated to the project.

Can you both explain more about what happens, who initiates, and how often you have sex.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Wow...our situations sound a lot alike. My husband is a very hard worker, and is very sweet to me through out the day while he is working. Once he gets home, I know he is tired, but he treats me more like a little bratty sister than a wife. I don't know if I am being taken for granted or what. He initiates the sex most of the time. I don't really bother initiating it anymore (key word) because it never lasts longer than a couple minutes and just leaves me really frustrated. I have loved him my whole adult life, we were both married previous to our marriage, and we have a daughter together who is the light of our life  I just don't feel connected to him even on a best friend level anymore. I watch my sister and friends cheat all through out their marriage, but I know I won't do that to him. I really do respect him and our marriage vows. Most of the time I don't think he realizes what we are doing to each other when we completely ignore our intimate relationship. To be honest at this point I am living with it, and it upsets me at times but not all the time. Unfortunately, I want to give it all up when these emotions come up like today.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Marktwain, to answer your questions. My husband initiates sex, usually once or twice a month. Sometimes we will go over a month before we have sex. Looking back when your dating, you only date a couple days a week. So having sex both times definately happened. Living together and getting married to my husband really blindsided me. It seemed to just stop. When I was pregnant he wouldn't touch me and it took a while for him to after I had my daughter. My daughter will be 9 this year. I have gained some weight and he never was attracted to anything other than skinny, ever.....He isn't skinny at all though, lol. I still love him the same, and I really hate to think that I turn him off ya know? I am about 25 pounds heavier than when we met 15 years ago. Almost everyone says I look better than I did as I have reached age 38, lol. I don't know what else to say, but I am definately ready to do something about it. Your help would be greatly appreciated.


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## marc38 (Jan 26, 2009)

i know that i am a typical male when it comes to sex 
i always want it 
i start to suduce my wife early on in the day usualy in the morning 
or at lunch with a text 
i did this for 15+ years daily and loved it 
but the best sex for me is when she takes me and will not take no for an answer. that is the only time i realy feel that she is in love with me. but maybe she just wanted sex?
my advice is do not take no for a answer start to plan it early on in the day have fun with it find what he likes then he may want it more.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I guess I could revisit that :smthumbup: I don't think he will turn me down at all, he is just not in it for me thats all. It leaves me very unsatisfied. I guess if I do this everyday he may feel the need to satisfy me so he can get a break, lol...Good idea...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

You said it never lasts more than a few minutes? Is this correct?

And if so, is it because he ejaculates quickly or he goes limp after a few minutes?


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Because he ejaculates.... Once he's done he is literally done. He took viagra and ejaculated in minutes and went to sleep with plenty of life left in him, so to speak. In all honesty we may have sex for 2-3 minutes tops....


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Oh, we did try the condoms that kind of de-sensitize the mans penis, and it worked pretty darn good. It also de-sensitized me and that wasn't so good


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

That could be the #1 factor in his lack of sex drive. It happens with a LOT of men. I had issues with it as well. 

It can be a physical problem, a psychological problem, or BOTH.

I can tell you from experience that this will wreak havoc on a mans sex drive. He is probably embarrassed about it. And no matter WHAT you do, he will be. When he thinks of sex, he doesn't think of the intimacy, the joy, the act, the love... 

The first thing that comes into his mind is the embarrassing and horrible feeling that he gets after sex after he doesn't last long. It's probably going through his mind from the moment you touch him, through the entire intercourse, until the moment he falls asleep... and who knows, he probably dreams about it afterward. 

With me, it was just a practice thing, it's gotten better, but still not where I'd like it to be. My biggest problem that started it was that it would be a long time in between my sexual encounters, which would lead to it... after it happened the first few times, it became almost 100% psychological for me. It's all I thought about.

I did some breathing techniques and things like that which helped a lot. But a biggest part was just some practice, which helped me gain some confidence, which in turn improved my performance. Like I said, it's still not the best, but I'm working on it. 

As far as techniques... MarkTwain seems to have an abundance of knowledge in that area. I'm sure he could help with some of that. 

I can't tell for sure, but my guess is that this is one of his biggest problems with it.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Wow, I feel really bad if this is the case. I certainly don't want him to feel embarrassed about it. I do think we definately wait way too long before we have sex again. He has said, sorry it's been a long time. We will do it again tonight....which never happens. Somehow I just feel if he really did care he would come back later that night instead of thinking words will passify me. It just seems really selfish to me. I am a big believer in sex. It is free, it can be the best feeling in the world, especially if you have money, job, or any other normal problems. I feel sex in a marriage is there to comfort and make you feel good, closer, etc....I was even really big about sex in public kinda things that he really loved when we were dating. I definately have a higher sex drive than my husband, and most women I know. I always wondered why my friends would complain about their husbands wanting sex. I don't get it, I can't understand where the problem is in that. I really don't....Out of all of the men in this world I get the one with the headache :rofl:


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

onlylonelyone said:


> Wow, I feel really bad if this is the case. I certainly don't want him to feel embarrassed about it. I do think we definately wait way too long before we have sex again. He has said, sorry it's been a long time. We will do it again tonight....which never happens. Somehow I just feel if he really did care he would come back later that night instead of thinking words will passify me. It just seems really selfish to me. I am a big believer in sex. It is free, it can be the best feeling in the world, especially if you have money, job, or any other normal problems. I feel sex in a marriage is there to comfort and make you feel good, closer, etc....I was even really big about sex in public kinda things that he really loved when we were dating. I definately have a higher sex drive than my husband, and most women I know. I always wondered why my friends would complain about their husbands wanting sex. I don't get it, I can't understand where the problem is in that. I really don't....Out of all of the men in this world I get the one with the headache :rofl:



I'll preface this by saying, I have no way of knowing for sure if this is his problem. I just saw what you said, and I know from experience, I had problems with that as well.

Now, I agree with almost everything you said, but I want to point a few things out.




onlylonelyone said:


> He has said, sorry it's been a long time. We will do it again tonight....which never happens. Somehow I just feel if he really did care he would come back later that night instead of thinking words will passify me. It just seems really selfish to me.


You need to realize that if this is the case, this is a self inflicted pain for him. It's a really bad movie that he's seen many times over. He knows the story, he knows it's going to end badly. So he tries to avoid it if he can. And as of now, I guess you could say he's gotten away with it. 
Men aren't emotionless, and most can read woman better than some woman think. He feels embarrassed when it happens, because he's been taught since puberty that it's MANLY to go for hours while having sex. Pleasing that woman! He maybe has had really bad experience with partners in the past with it. 

NOW, you mentioned you get left frustrated. Don't think for a second that he can't see that. I could always see the frustration or disappointment in my partner's face when it happened. And if you weren't already feeling emasculated enough just from the experience, then you look in your partners face and you can see you let them down too. Now you don't feel like a man at all. It really can be a horrible feeling.

So in short, he probably doesn't think that sex is all what you say it is, because through no fault of you, his sexual experiences are BAD.

It's not that he "really doesn't love you" That's likely the furthest thing from the truth. He's probably thinking it's just better if he tries to avoid it. It will save him the embarrassment and save you the disappointment. He probably thinks that not having sex is the lesser of two evils.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Ok, I definately get it. I guess he doesn't realize I could really have a lot of fun helping him with this problem. Also, on a really serious level I feel bad he can't seem to talk to me about it. I guess he is content with me blaming myself and thinking something is wrong with me. I am not saying this is definately the problem, but it sounds like it very well may be. So how do I go about talking to him about it, or do I at all? He is an old fashioned kind of guy, but also a really fun kinky side too when the mood strikes him. I used to be a single mom, worked 40 hrs a week, very independent. I am now a stay at home Mom, and kind of given up all my things in order to raise our daugher, and 3 teenagers both mine and his. I might add at his request I stay at home with them. They are growing fast, and I could get a p/t job, but he doesn't want me to. So this is the kind of man I am dealing with  He is a pilot (single engine)as a hobby, he owns his own business. He is very much about accomplishing his goals and interests in life, but doesn't seem to think much about me or my needs. How do you go at a guy like that with this conversation, lol? I know he is my husband, but obviously there is a definate barrier going on in our communication with each other.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Again, who knows... I might have gotten you all worked up and this might not even be the problem....

But, It's difficult for men to talk about this. And he probably doesn't think you are blaming yourself, because he can't blame anyone BUT himself. 

Talking is difficult for him. Don't be afraid to let him stumble through some words or help him along. Try to help him get some confidence. And who knows, maybe there is a physical problem as well.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Well, it is worth a conversation for sure. If that isn't the problem maybe he will discuss that with me instead. What kind of physical problems could he have with this problem? I am a little bit worried now, because he is horrible about going to the doctor too.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

As far as physical problems, it could be something like horomones or testosterone or something. 

Most times with this though its mental. 

Like I said, MarkTwain is better at some this than I am... but when you do get him into bed, there are a few things you can do.

But can I ask a few personal questions first?


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Sure, ask away.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I would be very slow to diagnose some physical problem with your husband. I think a more likely explanation is that he's simply lost interest in sex, and he just needs to realise that sex is still enjoyable intimite and worthwhile again.

You sound like you have a pretty healthy marraige sex aside. If thats the case then you should take the lead, without being too graphic there are ways of making a guy respond even if he's initially reluctant.

If your H is having self confidance issues in bed or is just a little embarressed, try making sex a little more distant. I know it sounds horribly unromantic but its not. Keep your back to him, if he doesn't have to make eye contact with you it'll make him feel less self conscious.

As for him only lasting 2 or 3 minutes. Practice keeping him erect for as long as he can manage. If you watch him really carefully and keep varying whatever sensation you're applying you'll gradually get him physically used to staying erect for longer periods again.

Anywho I hope it works out.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

Sarah, funny you said what you did. My h seems to prefer my back towards him. I actually used to be almost offended after a while because that is how he prefers it all of the time. I am not one to complain outloud especially because I don't get it that often, lol...


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

onlylonelyone said:


> Sarah, funny you said what you did. My h seems to prefer my back towards him. I actually used to be almost offended after a while because that is how he prefers it all of the time. I am not one to complain outloud especially because I don't get it that often, lol...


I've always found guys are far more comfortable when you're back is to them. They're not worried about you noticing some little embarressing facial expression or if they momentarily lose their stride.

An ex bf used lose his erection occassionaly when we were shagging. If we were doing it doggy style I'd barely notice cause he'd get it back momentarily whereas if it was mish he'd get flustered and lose it completely. 

You just need to take into account guys peculiarities once your H gets back into the swing of things, and gets used to having sex more often and lasting longer you can start varying your routine again.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

onlylonelyone-

First of all, how often do you initiate? Your complaints seem to focus around lack of sex due to him not offering.

Secondly, pe is easily overcome, it is simply a matter of training for most men. If he can last two minutes, he is not in the worst category, believe me. I have written up some exercises: treating premature ejaculation. What I have noticed is that men who ejaculate quickly are mentally in a hurry. They need to slow down.

How much have you actually talked to him about sex?


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I honestly don't initiate that much, because of years of being turned down when I did. I resolved a long time ago not to put myself through that with him. There are times he has given me signs then I followed through with initiation and it has turned out good. My husband is asleep most of the time before I even get my daughter in bed for the night. Last night he slept on the couch (he fell asleep to the tv around 8:30 pm). He got home at 7pm from work. Doesn't leave much time for anyone to even have conversation.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

onlylonelyone said:


> I honestly don't initiate that much, because of years of being turned down when I did. I resolved a long time ago not to put myself through that with him.


This was where some of the rot set in. If you want to turn things around, you will have to start initiating more, and more importantly, being flirty and sexy.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I will definately give it a try :smthumbup: I do want you to know though I do flirt a lot with him, I always give him a lot of compliments as the norm. It is just my personality. I have not focused so much on myself and looking sexy though, and that is a good idea. It would help boost my self esteem as well and I know that can only help the situation. Thanks a lot for your advice, I really appreciate it.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> onlylonelyone-
> 
> First of all, how often do you initiate? Your complaints seem to focus around lack of sex due to him not offering.
> 
> ...


You really pegged this one. This is definately him. Owning his own business and the economy right now being horrible. I know he is worried, and looking for a way around it all. When it wasn't the economy it is always how can I make more money, become a larger company. He definately has a one track mind when it comes to work and when he comes home he can't let it go. You definately gave me some ideas on how to relax him and slow him down.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

onlylonelyone said:


> You really pegged this one. This is definately him. Owning his own business and the economy right now being horrible. I know he is worried, and looking for a way around it all. When it wasn't the economy it is always how can I make more money, become a larger company. He definately has a one track mind when it comes to work and when he comes home he can't let it go. You definately gave me some ideas on how to relax him and slow him down.


Two possibilities I see. 

1)You are having sex so infrequently, that his nervous system is overexcited. If you got him up to 3 or 4 times per week, he would last longer, even if he made no attempt to do any pe exercises.

2)He is a businessman? *Sell *the idea of sex to him as stress buster! Don't take no for an answer. He needs bringing out of himself. He will actually perform better in business if he is relaxed. He will start having more "outside the box" moments.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I think you have really pegged the situation. I will definately start working on this today. I am very excited with all your advice. I was really worrying about the wrong things here and it was tearing me up emotionally. Women I think automatically think they are no longer attractive, or he doesn't love me anymore, or even worse that he may be having an affair. I really don't believe he is having an affair, but there are times it has crossed my mind. I will worry about those things if some of these things don't work, but I have a really good feeling with a lot more effort on my part things are going to be great with our marriage.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Sorry it took me a while to get back?

When you guys have sex, is there much for foreplay?

Does it include oral for each of you?

How difficult is it for you to orgasm? And can it be done orally or manually?


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

I give him oral 99% of the time and he has given me oral once in the last year. That is fine with me. It isn't difficult for me to orgasm, but it does take a bit of time. I think mostly because when I really start to relax and enjoy it, he's done. So I know alot of my problem is knowing it is going to be over before I can orgasm. I do prefer foreplay, toys, etc....because it does last longer, and he enjoys it alot to. There just isn't a lot of effort put into anything more than a quickie these days.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Well, Mark said a lot of these in one of his other posts, and they really registered with me thinking back to my experiences in how much they helped me. A lot of it is mental.

1.) Try to get yourself to orgasm early on. Whether it's through oral, toys, whatever. Once you orgasm, it will relieve a LOT of the mental pressure on him to perform. So make sure he knows you did it and that you liked it!!! Because that's the main part. It's not just the clock he's worried about, it's more about pleasing you. So once he's done that, he will feel MUCH more relaxed about it.

2.) Take your time with it. Mentally, once he gets passed that 3 or 4 minute hurdle, that will also relieve him mentally. There are things you can do to try to do that. Like, when giving him oral, give the shaft a break. Work on the "other parts". It still feels good, but it takes a lot more for a guy to build up to orgasm that way. If you are giving eachother oral, do him first, then his "member" will have a break while he's doing you. The same thing can be used during sex. Change positions. This will let him "recover" a little bit, and help extend the time. Do some positions that don't stimulate the shaft as much. For example, when you are on top, instead of so much up and down on him, do more grinding back and forth or side to side. It will still (hopefully) give you some clitoral stimulation, but it will not do nearly as much on him as far as moving him towards climax. 

3.) Standing up. This may just be me (I don't know) but I always seem to last longer if I'm standing up. Like if my wife would be on a table or something, as compared to laying in bed. Might not work for him, but for some reason, it does for me

4.) Try to get him to go again. If he has a decent retractor period. Try to get him to go again after a reasonable amount of time. Start the first one earlier in the day. Then at night, get him to go at it again... even if you have to "encourage" him the second time around. He will last longer just because he did it earlier, but it will help him mentally.

Some of these might not work, but they are worth a shot. You might have to make a sacrifice here and there in the beginning in the name of helping him out. But if you can get it to work, it will pay off down the road.

Like Mark has said, sex makes you want more sex. So once you get him enjoying it again, and thinking he's good at it, it will likely continue to improve and increase.


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

GPR, thanks so much. This all makes so much sense to me now. I definately have a guideline which is a lot further than I was yesterday. You are so right, sex makes you want sex... lol I thought it was just me, lol


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## marc38 (Jan 26, 2009)

it is not practiced in our home but
my wife told me once that if you do something 21 days in a row that i becomes a habit


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

LOL, sounds good to me. I did buy the book "Just Do It". It goes along those same lines. I just havn't found the time recently to read it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Any updates?


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## onlylonelyone (Jan 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Any updates?


Actually he came home with the flu the day I posted this. Once he felt better it was as if he had read all my posts, lol... We had a wonderful day and had sex three times. Now we are at about every other day which is so much more than I am used to :smthumbup: I think you were right that we just weren't having sex enough and then when we did obviously it didn't last very long. I was kind of worried about him, and thought it might have been bothering him and hoped it was nothing medical. So I definately listened to everyones advice and can safely say he is ok medically. I also complimented him more during the day and really built him up. We have our own business and with the economy we have felt the hit. I knew he was worrying and working really hard to keep everything going. Thanks so much for asking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Cool


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