# Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal



## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

If you are about to read this; be prepared. This is a long story. Me and my girlfriend started out as two 15 year old teenagers, we fell deeply for eachother and went on to become best friends and connected in the most deepest of ways and brought out parts of each other we didn't even know we had. We had the most amazing relationship and were both convinced this was real love. 

That was before things turned bad. We both went in the same class, a class consisting of only females except for me and one other guy. Quite understandably, this was hard for her. With her finding out about my fantasies and me checking out our classmates, things turned really ugly. I was still deeply in love with this girl and wanted nothing but her, but couldn't find ANY convincing ways to show this to her (as stupid as I was) 
This went on for a year, until I found out ways to show her that SHE was the one for me and we both finally felt at peace and happy in our relationship. The thing is, all this had hurted her self-esteem to a degree that she started seeking attention from other men. First I thought it was a one time occurance, when I found out she had been writing and entertaining the liking of another man (no actual cheating occured though). After this occurance, even more of these instances went on and she continued doing things of this nature, always telling me that she would stop and this was the last time. As much as I loved her and wanted us to work, I chose to trust her again and again. 
All this happened until I found out she had done something which hurt me so badly that I ended the relationship. Although, this time I can tell by the way she writes and talks to me that she regrets how she has been, so badly and I KNOW that she means it and would NEVER do anything like it again. The thing is, that if this would have happened half a year ago, I would feel absolutely complete and happy, but after everything she has done, I honestly feel nothing from her, in fact, heartwarming and loving proofs of love. I honestly don't know what to do now, because it feels as though as she is too late, but the really heartbreaking part is that I would be euphoric to have her act this way, if she just were earlier. What do I do? Somehow it feels so strange to let her go now that she has actually changed, but then again, I feel hurt by the mere sight of her and have a hard time believing I could ever forgive her and let alone trust her. If I do forgive her, how would I do such a thing and if I were to not forgive her, how would I get over all this hurt and should I look for someone new? 

I am currently feeling very lost and confused, the clock being 2:30 am in my country and my girlfriend continously showing her new love and loyalty to me via text, while I can do nothing but not reply, since it hurts to do as much as write to her and since I don't want to give her any false hope of us reconciling. I think I still love her and I am sure that I still care for her and wish her all the best in her life. 

Grateful for all answers / an 18 year old believer in true love, learning about himself and about relationships, the hard way


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Let her go. Move on. Lesson learned.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Not sure what you consider a long read but that took like half a minute to get through.


Anyway I imagine your girlfriend was paranoid and untrusting of you because a cheater's mindset is in her nature. It's not uncommon for cheaters, those who want to cheat, or who cross lines close to cheating to be suspicious, paranoid, and accusatory of their partners when it comes to being faithful. They know if they can do it so easily then you can as well.

You're 18. Consider this a learning experience and move on. Not that it's always the case but many cheaters will feel bad when they're caught. Right up until the moment they start doing it again. Rinse and repeat. 

You need to watch your partner's actions. Not their words, letters, crocodile tears, or sad faces.

I don't think you necessarily need to look for someone new at this time if you don't feel ready, but I do think you need to let the ex-gf go. It's only been 6 months. It's still pretty fresh for you. Believe me in enough time she's just going to be a memory that won't invoke any emotion. I'm 33 and I can tell you I don't even think of the exes I've been in LTR years ago and in hindsight would have seriously regretted trying to have a second go around with any of them.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Is it really that simple?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, let her go. 

You have learned some important lessons. But it's time for you to move on.

You should probably tell her to stop contacting you. That way you get the time and space to get over all this nonsense.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Jasel said:


> Not sure what you consider a long read but that took like half a minute to get through.
> 
> 
> Anyway I imagine your girlfriend was paranoid and untrusting of you because a cheater's mindset is in her nature. It's not uncommon for cheaters, those who want to cheat, or who cross lines close to cheating to be suspicious, paranoid, and accusatory of their partners when it comes to being faithful. They know if they can do it so easily then you can as well.
> ...


This was really good advice. Thank you, intially, I thougth that she would be the last person to ever want to cheat, but maybe it is what you least expect of a person that's true. 

Haha, about "the long read", I started out writing, thinking that I would write in incredible details and felt satisfied keeping it short halfway through.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It's not a matter of it being simple, emotions rarely are. It's about doing what's best for you despite your emotions. Right now you need to listen to your head, not your heart.

Dealing with the emotions are hard. The act of not wasting anymore time on her and moving on however _is_ that simple.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> This was really good advice. Thank you, intially, I thougth that she would be the last person to ever want to cheat, but maybe it is what you least expect of a person that's true.


I believe everyone is capable of cheating. Which is why even though I've never done it, I'm not one to say "I'd never cheat". Because I've heard plenty of people say that, meaning it 100%, only to wind up doing it themselves. Never assume a partner won't cheat on you.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Yep, let her go.
> 
> You have learned some important lessons. But it's time for you to move on.
> 
> You should probably tell her to stop contacting you. That way you get the time and space to get over all this nonsense.


I know you are probably right, but somehow it feels so scary to completely cut off contact just like that with someone who has basically been everything to you for 3 years. I am honestly also very concerned about her feelings and doesn't want to see her devastated, how do you stop caring for someone?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Jasel said:


> I believe everyone is capable of cheating. Which is why even though I've never done it, I'm not one to say "I'd never cheat". Because I've heard plenty of people say that, meaning it 100%, only to wind up doing it themselves. Never assume a partner won't cheat on you.


How do I become happy in a relationship then? I fought so much for our relationship, hearing advices that people often blame their partner for whatever is wrong, ignoring their own part. I took this advice to the extreme, so much that I in the end felt like I was the one holding up the relationship. Anyway she acted this way. Am I just too kind? Do I put in too much energy to my relationship? Or did I just end up with the absolute wrong person?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Her seeking attention from other men is not the result of a one-time event that made her feel inadequate. If a woman is seeking attention from males and is supposed to be in a committed relationship, she is cheating. A woman who seeks attention from males eventually give up sexual favors to keep that attention going. This is part of her character - who she really is - she can not change suddenly and behave another way. She can hide it from you, but she is broken inside and you cannot fix that. 

You are only 18. Run.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do not let fear of "what If" paralyze you.

You are not responsible for what she is doing. Protect yourself.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> Her seeking attention from other men is not the result of a one-time event that made her feel inadequate. If a woman is seeking attention from males and is supposed to be in a committed relationship, she is cheating. A woman who seeks attention from males eventually give up sexual favors to keep that attention going. This is part of her character - who she really is - she can not change suddenly and behave another way. She can hide it from you, but she is broken inside and you cannot fix that.
> 
> You are only 18. Run.


I love the fact that you wrote: Run. Haha. 
I actually feel that she did me a favour now by doing what she did, I feel a lot more at peace being alone even though it's hard in it's own way. I just hope I don't chicken out and take her back in fear of being alone or something like that.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> Do not let fear of "what If" paralyze you.
> 
> You are not responsible for what she is doing. Protect yourself.


Thank you


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> How do I become happy in a relationship then? I fought so much for our relationship, hearing advices that people often blame their partner for whatever is wrong, ignoring their own part. I took this advice to the extreme, so much that I in the end felt like I was the one holding up the relationship. Anyway she acted this way. Am I just too kind? Do I put in too much energy to my relationship? Or did I just end up with the absolute wrong person?


I can just speak for myself personally but I think men and women (more so with men) who try to give their partner the world, usually end up getting taken advantage of and taken for granted. And then they're so used to being in that mindset of being Mr./Mrs. Perfect Partner when they finally do get ****ed over they have no idea how to deal with it and keep up the same behavior or double down on it because they don't know how to do anything else. Which almost always makes things worse. You however made the right decision ending things and hopefully it was a valuable lesson for you as well as her.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Is it wrong though to think that i can just wait for someone who equally feels like she wants to give me the world like I do for her? I mean, I totally understand your point and I mostly agree, but theoretically, shouldn't I be able to find someone who wants to me just as excessicely as I want to love her? Am I just being naive and romanticisstic?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I don't think you're being naive/romantic, but you also need to be realistic. Various aspects of relationships aren't always 50/50. And even if they are they rarely stay that way 100% of the time. Sometimes one partner is going to put forth more effort, sometimes one partner is going to be more into the relationship/their partner than the other, and these things can change over the years throughout a relationship. It happens, that's just real life. All relationships have ups and downs. It's fine to wait for someone you feel is more compatible with you in terms of how you view/act in relationships. Just keep in mind you might not find that, and that doesn't mean you still can't find an amazing partner.

You also might wind up changing your views on relationships and how you approach them with more dating experience. You sound a lot like how I viewed love/relationships/romance/etc when I was 18. Fifteen years later, I no longer view things the same way. I guess you can call me more jaded/cynical but at the same time I feel I'm more able to recognize a good/realistic thing when I find it as opposed to how I was at your age when I had more of a fairytale view on how I thought relationships should be.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You are 18, she is 18. Life lesson, boys don't ask for directions, girls change their minds. You can't make someone love you. You cannot force it, you can't buy it. You have 70 more years on average to find another female among the more than 3.5 billion walking around right now. Go find her. She is in a club nearby dancing. Buy her a drink. She rejects you, get over it and ask another.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

First loves and how deeply we feel the loss is almost like a right of passage for most I believe. Sometimes in our naivety,expectations become somewhat of a fantasy. We don't really have a true personal touchstone for comparison,as we are just starting out. 

You're both young and as most would say,there is no substitute for experience. In my opinion your ex isn't necessarily a bad person,but just someone that is growing and learning the same as you. We all veer off course at times and that can be often when we are young and just starting to find our way in life.

There will be others in your life and I hope one day that you find the right one for you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lose her!

As you come to mature in years, you'll find that a girl who absolutely worships you will come along!

It almost always happens!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> Is it wrong though to think that i can just wait for someone who equally feels like she wants to give me the world like I do for her? I mean, I totally understand your point and I mostly agree, but theoretically, shouldn't I be able to find someone who wants to me just as excessicely as I want to love her? Am I just being naive and romanticisstic?


Yes, it's possible. 

Statistically about 20% of men say that they cheat. About 18% of woman admit to cheating. So clearly there are people, male and female, who do not cheat.

I know you are not looking at getting married right now. At least I assume you are not. But it might be helpful for you to look at some statistics about marriage. Statistically, the highest divorce rate is for couples in which the guy is under 30 years of and age and/or the woman is under 25 years of age. The lowest divorce rates are with couples in which the woman is at least 25 years old and has a college degree. The higher the education is for the couple, the lower the divorce rate. I think a lot of this is about stability in life.

At your age, you should be concentrating on your education and getting your career started. That's not to say that you should not date or have a committee girl friend. But just that your focus should be for you to get a good life style in place.

If you want to learn how to have a healthy marriage and what to look for, there are two books that I think would help you. They will teach you what a healthy relationship looks like. I think that if you read them, you will see where things fell apart with your girlfriend. The books are:

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs"

I wish those books had been around when I was your age. They would have saved me a lot of grief.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> I know you are probably right, but somehow it feels so scary to completely cut off contact just like that with someone who has basically been everything to you for 3 years. I am honestly also very concerned about her feelings and doesn't want to see her devastated, how do you stop caring for someone?


She is not going to be devastated. She's been messing around with other guys. She will just find another one. For her you are her fall-back guy. You are the guy who is there between other guys.

Plus, she needs to learn that if she treats someone the way she treated you, she's going to lose them.

How do you stop caring for someone? You stop caring by stop having contact with them. Once you start having contact, you will be able to lose your feelings for her.

If you don't stop contact, you will allow your feelings to be drug out and stepped all over.

You have 100% control over this.

If you want to hurt and have a lot of drama in your life, keep in contact with her. 

If you want to stop the pain and confusion, stop the contact with her.

Your life. Your choice. Which is it?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Thank you all for the helpful replies, whenever I am in doubt, I will just check back at this forum and hopefully change my mind back to not going back. You all made me realize even more that staying would just mean the ending for the both of us. Thank you all sincerely. /Adam


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> Is it wrong though to think that i can just wait for someone who equally feels like she wants to give me the world like I do for her? I mean, I totally understand your point and I mostly agree, but theoretically, *shouldn't I be able to find someone who wants to me just as excessicely as I want to love her? Am I just being naive and romanticisstic?*


I am afraid that you are in love with the IDEA of being in love. Do not let the movies and magazines define what love is to you - that is BS.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> I know you are probably right, but somehow it feels so scary to completely cut off contact just like that with someone who has basically been everything to you for 3 years. I am honestly also very concerned about her feelings and doesn't want to see her devastated, how do you stop caring for someone?


 @Adampalo You will probably never stop caring for her, not entirely.

My first long term girlfriend left me for a woman in 1982. 

And I still have some loving feelings for her now, 35 years later. (Though I have been with my wife since 1989, and love my wife very much.)

But! You are both young and she is not ready for a steady, committed relationship. And you know something? She may never be ready for such a relationship.

Just put it down to a learning experience and move on with your life. 

Getting over her will take time, but you'll do it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Adampalo
The way to stop caring for her is as Elegirl said, NO CONTACT! Also you need to recognize that you were in love with the idea of who you thought she was, and she was either never that person or changed, either way you aren't in love with who she is now. It takes two to equally make a relationship, and she's not doing her part and doesn't seem like she intends to.She is just using you. Do yourself a favor and avoid a future of pain with her by stopping all contact. You will eventually find someone who cares about you as much as you do about them, but don't try to MAKE it happen, and always judge future potential girlfriends by their actions and not their words.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

[MENTION=12855]Adampalo

When I was 18 (50 years ago) I had a girlfriend exactly like yours. I dumped her. A month later I met a girl much prettier, classier, loving, and sincere. I married her and we are still together, and never cheated. We have children and grandchildren. I saw the other girl at a 50 year class reunion the other day. Boy, I made the right choice! Go and do likewise. Your soulmate is out there looking for you right now. Go and find her!


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Most young marriages fail because young people tend to ignore the warning signs their partner shows them.

We call them red flags. Don't ignore red flags ever again.

Be glad you aren't married.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

All of this is extremely helpful for me. I mean, I never felt that I have gotten this kind of support and help from anyone before. Thank you all very much! 

Don't misunderstand me now and think that I didn't listen to all your advice, I just got to get everything out of my system. Today, she was waiting for me after work, even though I told her not to and gave me my favorite roses, chocolate and a long, heartfelt letter, which she spent a long time writing, in which she apologizes sincerely and insists on never doing the same again. Even told me she puked today of all the anxiety she was feeling and I know it was sincere. Or I guess it was. What's your thought on this?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Adampalo said:


> All of this is extremely helpful for me. I mean, I never felt that I have gotten this kind of support and help from anyone before. Thank you all very much!
> 
> Don't misunderstand me now and think that I didn't listen to all your advice, I just got to get everything out of my system. Today, she was waiting for me after work, even though I told her not to and gave me my favorite roses, chocolate and a long, heartfelt letter, which she spent a long time writing, in which she apologizes sincerely and insists on never doing the same again. Even told me she puked today of all the anxiety she was feeling and I know it was sincere. Or I guess it was. What's your thought on this?


Believe her actions not her words. You need to give her the boot or expect more of the same behavior to get increasingly worse.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

I have to be honest with all of you, I am feeling really tempted to forgive her and take her back. I think I miss our intimacy and I really do have tremendous amounts of love and feelings for her, not to mention all our plans for the future. She is making this so hard for me, since she is showing me so much love and regret for ever being that way. She says that it doesn't matter how long it takes or if I even ever can forgive her, but says that she will do EVERYTHING in her power to save this. I honestly can say that I never seen her cry like this before so I know it breaks her. Why couldn't she just be insensitive and unloving so this would be easier??


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Also, please be patient with me, I really love her so this is really hard for me.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> Also, please be patient with me, I really love her so this is really hard for me.


Dude.... you're 18. You don't know what real love is yet. You're just a kid with a chronic boner and out of control hormones.

You'll get over it, trust me. Worry about getting a career, then the girls will come. At your age, single women are EVERYWHERE.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

No. That was really unsensitive. Sure I am 18 and that might give some sort of clue as to the amount of relationship experience I do have. Although to say that I don't know what love is based on my age, practically not knowing one thing about me except the small parts of me that I shared in this thread, is narrow minded. By making that assumption, based on such a trivial and unimportant thing as my age, you sort of proved that you don't know what love is. One insight that I gained through the years (and yes, I have years of experience in love), is that no one can make a general definition of it. Love is a feeling, a lifestyle, both things which are highly personal. No one can say that your love is not real love. Love is an ideology, one in which there is incredible difference in opinion about. If you are open to learn anything from an "hormone driven 18 year old who can't keep down his erection", let it be this: NEVER define a feeling for someone else.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

You are confusing lust with love. Come back in 10 years when you've grown up and realized you don't know squat when you're a teenager.

I thought I knew everything at your age too. Don't over complicate it. Don't waste your time with a cheat. Bottom line. Not now and not ever.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> All of this is extremely helpful for me. I mean, I never felt that I have gotten this kind of support and help from anyone before. Thank you all very much!
> 
> Don't misunderstand me now and think that I didn't listen to all your advice, I just got to get everything out of my system. Today, she was waiting for me after work, even though I told her not to and gave me my favorite roses, chocolate and a long, heartfelt letter, which she spent a long time writing, in which she apologizes sincerely and insists on never doing the same again. Even told me she puked today of all the anxiety she was feeling and I know it was sincere. Or I guess it was. What's your thought on this?


Was she hooking up with guys behind your back? if so run as fast as you can. If not throw the dice and wait and see. Just remember, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Adampalo said:


> No. That was really unsensitive. Sure I am 18 and that might give some sort of clue as to the amount of relationship experience I do have. Although to say that I don't know what love is based on my age, practically not knowing one thing about me except the small parts of me that I shared in this thread, is narrow minded. By making that assumption, based on such a trivial and unimportant thing as my age, you sort of proved that you don't know what love is. One insight that I gained through the years (and yes, I have years of experience in love), is that no one can make a general definition of it. Love is a feeling, a lifestyle, both things which are highly personal. No one can say that your love is not real love. Love is an ideology, one in which there is incredible difference in opinion about. If you are open to learn anything from an "hormone driven 18 year old who can't keep down his erection", let it be this: NEVER define a feeling for someone else.


 Print this out ^ and save it. Re-read it every ten years. You will see in 20 years what we see now. It's called life experience and it's earned the hard way by getting older. 
You never stated what her transgression was that put you over the edge initially. How 'bout it?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I met my fiance when I was 15. We were together for 4 years before we got engaged. Then she cheated on me 6 months before our wedding. To make it worse, she cheated in me when I was in combat. She was sorry and lonely but I did not care. There would be many times I was away from her both in the Army and private business and I did not want to have my stomach in knots whenever we were apart. So I told her goodbye and went to Australia and hooked up with a girl for a month. She made me forget my ex fiance real quick. Leaving my ex fiance was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, bar none.

If not for her cheating I would never have met my wife of 44 years. She is bi and always shared her girlfriends with me. I have had a few thousand threesomes when most guys had none. She was so loyal that she refused to have sex with women unless I was part of it and to be safe, she moved her best girlfriend into our house were the three of us lived a wonderful and happy life as a poly triad. My ex was an anti capitalist and hippie like many of us were in the 60's. We all grew up but she joined a commune where they passed her from person to person for sex and made her work. She ended up having a son and does not know who the father is since he kids were raised communally and DNA testing was not invented yet. 

She then began to hear voices who told her to change her last name which she did. She got hooked on drugs at the commune and as a result of too much LSD, she had lots of mental problems. She never became the lawyer her parents wanted her to be. She ended up marrying some guy willing to support her child and left him the day after he wrote the last check for he son's college. She divorced him and married the woman she was cheating on him with. Funny how most husbands never think about their wives cheating with their girlfriends. Since my wife is bi and we know few bi wives whose husbands do not let them explore that side of them, we know what goes on. 

What is funny is that her mother said I was not good enough for her daughter who was to be a lawyer and live an upper class life like her parents did. Turns out that I am the successful one earning upper class income and my wife is enjoying a lifestyle she never dreamed she could have. I learned this when my ex moved to the State where I lived and found my Facebook page. She asked if she could call me and I said OK. She told about her sad life and how cheating on me was the biggest mistake of her life but she was young an struggling with her sexual identity. I told her that my wife is bi too and with me, she would have been free to explore her sexuality. I told her a little about my life and also told her that we would never have lasted because I like money and the things it can buy. It really can buy happiness. She apologized several times and suggested that we have lunch together. I said no and then she asked me if I would like her to send me all the mementos and gifts I had bought her. She kept them for 45 years which I found amazing. She said that she often thought of me and how bad her life turned out because she could not wait 6 months for me to join her and get married. She did send me the box and there were pictures of us from high school, the rings I had bought her (she returned the engagement ring as required by NY State law) and all sorts of momentos that I had forgotten about. That was it. No more contact after that.

An ex girlfriend cheated on me and became a crack prostitute. She kicked the drug habit and became a stripper where she married a rich lap dance customer of hers who is 20 years older. She also had a crack addicted daughter from some guy who paid for sex but it could have been on of many guys she had sex with when she was on drugs and trading sex for drugs. Her parents tried to keep her away from me as I had a reputation as a very sexually active guy. 

I never thought much about them until I was in my sixties. It was then that I realized that every relationship I had was with bi girls who I did not know are bi until much later. Most of all I realized that my great life was a direct result of breaking off with the women in my life who cheated. Both with friends of mine which is why I no longer trust friends or any man when it comes to sex. I had a guy who fought beside me in combat have an affair with my girlfriend. And I did the same to two of my friends with a girlfriend and a wife. Both who were serial cheaters so I did not feel bad about it. If not me who would not try to steal them from their husbands, then someone else. It was a dark time for me. Two broken hearts which made me realize that monogamy does not work well. I saw the divorce rate and the cheating rate which is even higher. My marriage was non monogamous until 7 years ago and all of our monogamous friends and siblings cheated and are divorced once or twice.

What you realize when you get old and if you have had a good life, it is a direct result of both the good and bad things that happen to you along the way. I would not trade my life with anyone. Great sex life with two women who loved me and each other, very successful in business and in all other areas of my life. My life would have been miserable had those two not cheated. The way I looked at it was that cheaters will always minimize what they did. They are not going to tell you that they had sex like bunnies and it was great enough to risk getting caught or that she liked the other guy better. They will even try to turn the tables and make it your fault. Just look at some posts here where the husbands do blame themselves and go for counselling while their cheating wives do not. I could not trust someone who has proven to not be trustworthy nor could I believe someone who admits that they lied an deceived you. They are asking you to believe that they would not do the things that they have done already. Trust once lost takes a long time to regain. You will feel the pain of it for years and your wife will have to put up with it and accept that she will have to change he life to give you no reason to distrust her. No more nights out with the girls or working late at night coming home smelling like some guy's cologne or rushing into the shower while she keeps you away from her. That is not way to live as far as I am concerned. I was proved right in that all of the girls who cheated on me and with me, all went on to cheat over and over again.

So do not look at it as if your life is over. Look at it as the beginning of a new life with someone who has not betrayed you. I am an alpha male who was good looking and could get any girl that I wanted. I was not afraid of finding someone else and I did each time within a matter of months. I was not afraid to enter the dating pool again or that no one would love me. Screw that. I walked up to my wife on at a train, started a conversation and we were engaged 3 weeks later and recently celebrated 44 years of marriage. Unfortunately our girlfriend could not relocate with us but we had a wonder 30 years with her. We each were deeply loved by two others and I owe it all to two cheating women.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> No. That was really unsensitive. Sure I am 18 and that might give some sort of clue as to the amount of relationship experience I do have. Although to say that I don't know what love is based on my age, practically not knowing one thing about me except the small parts of me that I shared in this thread, is narrow minded. By making that assumption, based on such a trivial and unimportant thing as my age, you sort of proved that you don't know what love is. One insight that I gained through the years (and yes, I have years of experience in love), is that no one can make a general definition of it. Love is a feeling, a lifestyle, both things which are highly personal. No one can say that your love is not real love. Love is an ideology, one in which there is incredible difference in opinion about. If you are open to learn anything from an "hormone driven 18 year old who can't keep down his erection", let it be this: NEVER define a feeling for someone else.


 @Adampalo, I can understand that you feel mature and enlightened for your age. I did as well when I was 18, and disliked being frequently judged by my age. Now that i am much older, I know why people felt as they did. 

So I will not judge you. I will tell you plainly that your perspective lacks maturity. Your brain won't finish developing until your late 20s/early 30s. That is simple biology. You may not believe me, but when your brain finishes maturing, you WILL see many things differently than you do currently. I will also speculate that as a man, you will see things differently at 40 than you do at 30.

Being "mature" for one's age and "knowing" things is not a sign of maturity, IMO. Making mistakes, learning from them, and evolving is.

You do know what love means to you ...now. The meaning may change for you in time and with experience. The choice of what you will do is yours, but I would suggest that you give yourself the benefit of exploring other avenues than the only one you currently know. That way, you can make a more informed choice as to your future.


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## asgdf (Sep 22, 2013)

She has given you a gift. She cheated on you before it could ruin your life. For the rest of your life you will trust a little less. When you marry and build a family you won't be as innocent. You will choose someone more carefully. Thank her and move on.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Did she get physical with another guy? 

I don't think you ever really said what the extreme hurt was that caused you to back away from her.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

She didn't actually get physical. They danced at a night club and she gave him her number and they wrote a couple of times. I mean, as far as I know. This is what she has told me. It could be some other thing which is just hiding around the corner, which she just hasn't told me yet.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Adampalo said:


> *I have to be honest with all of you, I am feeling really tempted to forgive her and take her back.* I think I miss our intimacy and I really do have tremendous amounts of love and feelings for her, not to mention all our plans for the future. She is making this so hard for me, since she is showing me so much love and regret for ever being that way. She says that it doesn't matter how long it takes or if I even ever can forgive her, but says that she will do EVERYTHING in her power to save this. I honestly can say that I never seen her cry like this before so I know it breaks her. Why couldn't she just be insensitive and unloving so this would be easier??


Don't do it.

Disloyal girlfriends don't magically become loyal wives.

You're young.

Plenty of "intimacy" out there.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Adampalo said:


> She didn't actually get physical. They danced at a night club and she gave him her number and they wrote a couple of times. I mean, as far as I know. This is what she has told me. It could be some other thing which is just hiding around the corner, which she just hasn't told me yet.


She's lying.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> She didn't actually get physical. They danced at a night club and she gave him her number and they wrote a couple of times. I mean, as far as I know. This is what she has told me. It could be some other thing which is just hiding around the corner, which she just hasn't told me yet.


Honestly there's a very high chance a lot more happened than she told you.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Jasel said:


> Honestly there's a very high chance a lot more happened than she told you.


 Actually the odds are almost 100% more happened than what she told you. Count on it.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

This is the hardest thing I ever had to do :'( it really breaks my heart. Hope I can look back in 5 years and think: I made the right choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> This is the hardest thing I ever had to do :'( it really breaks my heart. Hope I can look back in 5 years and think: I made the right choice.


You will. It's hard now but going forward, this relationship will come to mean little more than a very good life lesson.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Now I finally ended it with her, for good. It feels awful, like I am going to die, but I know I would be even worse with her.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Adampalo said:


> Now I finally ended it with her, for good. It feels awful, like I am going to die, but I know I would be even worse with her.


You are not going to die, you will be fine if anything you will come out stronger learning to always be ok by yourself. You don't need to be married or attached to someone else to live a successful and rewarding life, know that, don't let society have you believe otherwise.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

I know it's hard but you made the right choice. Unless she gets some serious help, she will always be a high risk for cheating. If you are tempted again to take her back, do yourself a favor and test her first. Get some guy to call her and say something like :" You gave me your number a while back. would you like to meet up? " See what she says. There are a billion ways to test her. Come up with one. I would recommend just staying away from her though.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

You guys are amazing, thank you so much! Never thought I could get so much support, especially not from a Internet forum from people who has nothing really to win from helping me. Really appreciate it, love - Adam.

It feels to me extremely unlikely that I would return to her after all she has done. Maaaybe in a couple of years but I doubt it even then.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You're very very young and you were very very fortunate that she showed who she was before you committed yourself in any way to her.

Just know that her cheating on you wasn't a one-time thing. She knew exactly what she was doing. You need someone who isn't capable of doing that to you.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

She thought you were a doormat to be walked over. She was wrong. Move on happily. 

Most, not all folks I've asked this question to -

---Would you ever consider ever marrying your first BF/GF. They all think back and Yuck!!! No never!! 

You learn and grow. Date around and get serious with several ladies. Then you'll understand women better, yourself and see what it is you look for. 

I would not even considering committing until 28 years old or older. But that's me...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Adampalo said:


> Now I finally ended it with her, for good. It feels awful, like I am going to die, but I know I would be even worse with her.


You will be just fine. Trust me! :grin2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thing is you are both 18 maybe she will mature, maybe not, but for right now this is who she is. The lesson here is to stop trying, wishing, hoping for different from her. Some people are just not capable of being good long term partners. Se is very young and is just not at that stage yet. Maybe she will never be, who knows. But when they are not it's just wasting time hoping they will change. 

Thing is, you are 18 that is way too young to settle down anyway. Your girlfriend probably feels this way. How can you even know who you should end up with when you don't even know who YOU are yet. If I were you I would be dating lots of girls so I could get a sense of what kind of girls I like and what qualities I am looking for.

There will be plenty of time to have a long term relationship later. For now break it off with this girl and go have some fun.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Adampalo said:


> Now I finally ended it with her, for good. It feels awful, like I am going to die, but I know I would be even worse with her.


Learn from this and let it make you stronger. Since it is your first time it does feel like you will never get better, but you will see with time that it does. You can find a lot of strength in that. That makes this is a very valuable experience because if it happens again you will know that you can just move on and you will be fine. It is a very good place to be, understanding not to make relationship decisions out a fear of the pain of braking up. If you feel confident that you will be fine without anyone then you are in a much stronger bargaining position in your relationship going forward. 

18 is a good age to learn this lesson, it will server you well for your whole life. Better to learn it now then with a mortgage and 2 kids.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Adampalo, you did the right thing. By dancing with him, taking his number and writing back and forth (I do doubt that is all that happened btw, I would bet a kings ransom they hooked up more than once) she showed you she was open to advances from other men. No one puts up with that at any age. She wants to entertain advances from other men, she should be free to do so. But not while she has a boyfriend who has no idea that is going on. You deserve better than that. She regrets her choice? Too bad. Tough titty. She needs to learn the lesson that good men, real loyal boyfriend material will not tolerate that nonsense. There are simply too many great gals out there to waste one's time on disloyal ones. Let them be someone else problem, not yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adampalo said:


> How do I become happy in a relationship then? I fought so much for our relationship, hearing advices that people often blame their partner for whatever is wrong, ignoring their own part. I took this advice to the extreme, so much that I in the end felt like I was the one holding up the relationship. Anyway she acted this way. Am I just too kind? Do I put in too much energy to my relationship? Or did I just end up with the absolute wrong person?


I mean no disrespect, but you two are too young to be in a relationship. The brain doesn't stop growing and developing and changing until around age 25. What you thought you knew at 15 isn't what you know at 18 and won't be what you believe at 25. You need to be out living life and experiencing things and learning how to be on your own and be ok alone. Then, after you've done this, come back around and see if you two are still compatible.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

As you all said, I think we can all agree that I made the right choice in leaving her. ****ing *****!! ****ing seriously?! After THREE YEARS and everything we been through together?! Just had to get that out of my system.

For now my main focus is finding myself, education and creating a life I enjoy on my own. Then, when I feel ready, I will start looking for someone new, but that might take a while. Right now I feel kind of weak for letting this behavior go on for so long... Always taking her word for it that she would change... How do I get over this?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Funny sidenote, the last forum I was on told me I was just jealous when sharing my story... Haha


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

What kind of messed up forum were you on???


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

turnera said:


> I mean no disrespect, but you two are too young to be in a relationship. *The brain doesn't stop growing and developing and changing until around age 25. *What you thought you knew at 15 isn't what you know at 18 and won't be what you believe at 25. You need to be out living life and experiencing things and learning how to be on your own and be ok alone.


Adam,

Turnera is spot on here. 18-22 is way too young to seal your future. In general you know what 18 year old's do? They screw-up and make tons of mistakes. It's just the way it works. 

Take your time.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You asked for how to know. Did you order the books she ,emtioned. Here are some links for you. 

https://store.marriagebuilders.com/...s-her-needs-building-an-affair-proof-marriage

How to protect your future relationships Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Finally to improve your relationships
Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

All these hooks should be required reading before marrige or LTA. 

While the divorce stats given are true, it is also true she is being truthful at this time. If both of you had read the books suggested her actions might not have happened. 

I also need to point out you never mentioned any serious concrete course of actions about a future together with her. If this had not occurred and where together what would that future include. Job? Lived where? Etc.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

About that other site, a link please. They might have been right. We know only what you posted about yourself and her.

PS: number one reason I love TAM, the last two links I provided would have gotten me banned from most sites.. Not because they are not helpful rather they might be completion.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

I have to be honest, I wouldn't really be able to deal with the information that I have been jealous at this time in my life. Because the point is, she cheated on me, lied to me and was disloyal several times so I made the right choice in leaving her. I mean I could always do something better myself too, but I feel as though I did my best and I learned my lessons. Thanks anyway


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol, it's called a learning experience. 

You'll be better off for having experienced it, because you'll now go into relationships with your eyes open. No girl belongs on a pedestal, you should always be equals.

That said, it wouldn't be a bad idea, if you're into reading (or listening), to get the book His Needs Her Needs. It explains the perfect relationship and how to ensure that it stays that way.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Head over to a gym and start working out. As you build muscle you will build confidence.

Be more mentally critical Or judgemental of those you date. Don't be afraid to pull the plug on various duds you will meet. No one is perfect including you.

Improve on yourself with this lesson. Don't take BS from a woman. Ignore their ****-tests. Own the game, take a leadership role in your life. Be confident.

Women are attracted to confidence. Seems more than looks.

In my youth, it was always me who broke up with my GFs. I could always move on. 

My advice is the next one you meet, understand she will be a rebound - an escape from your last experience. It won't last long. Don't worry about it. Enjoy.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Yes I'm into reading and I will definitely check that one out, in time.  Rebound relationship you say, is it good (healthy) to have such a relationship or should I just work on myself to such an extent that I am fine until I can find someone great?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> Now I finally ended it with her, for good. It feels awful, like I am going to die, but I know I would be even worse with her.


You'll get through this...and end up wiser and more well equipped for your nest relationship. 

You are young my man. You have lots of time to find a lifelong partner. Slow down and smell the roses. They come in all colors: blonde, redhead, brunette....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> I have to be honest, I wouldn't really be able to deal with the information that I have been jealous at this time in my life. Because the point is, she cheated on me, lied to me and was disloyal several times so I made the right choice in leaving her. I mean I could always do something better myself too, but I feel as though I did my best and I learned my lessons. Thanks anyway


Nothing wrong with jealousy...if it is a righteous, deserved jealousy. 

The gals on that forum were using the tried and true shaming techniques that all *****y women use on male posters. It is their go-to arsenal.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Don't worry about a rebound. Just do not commit. 

Tell you what. Will tell you the very possible future about this girl you broke up with. She will get married way too early. After 5 years and one child - she will contact you and try to generate your interest. The love lost, what she learned. That you are the one. Young love and all that absolute rubbish. 

She will cheat on her husband. She will also try to cheat with you. Avoid her like the plague. Do not meet with her for any reason. Ever. Don't respond in any way. Ever. She will become quite a toxic little girl.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adampalo said:


> Yes I'm into reading and I will definitely check that one out, in time.  Rebound relationship you say, is it good (healthy) to have such a relationship or should I just work on myself to such an extent that I am fine until I can find someone great?


No, you absolutely should not be looking for someone else. You need to learn to be ok alone, coming home to a quiet, empty place and being ok with it. Dealing with any loneliness and realizing you're ok with your own self. Why? Because then, any girl you meet down the road, you won't be attaching yourself to her out of a need to not be lonely. So you can come to the relationship in a position of strength. And THAT allows you to call a girl out on her bullsh*t if she tries it - which in turn results in you ditching the bad ones or a good one respecting you and working hard to keep you, cos you've shown you won't accept crap treatment. None of that will happen if you just jump from girl to girl.

And besides, you are YOUNG! You've got your whole life ahead of you, and you've got so much fun to be had. You just don't realize it yet.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

My main focus will be then to focus on myself and creating a life that I enjoy living on my own. I don't actually think it will be that hard, since I always enjoyed my own company the 15 first years of my life before I met her.

I found it helps a ton to play the guitar, I started doing it very actively when she started betraying me and it actually helped me get through a lot of the hurt... It just feels so good to me. I don't know why but it would mean a lot to mean if you would listen to me play, I don't know you all have just been so good support to me and I would just want to play for you kind of if that makes sense. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vXwJvOh7OCY I made this shortly after breaking up with her.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Cool man! It's a crappy situation but one of the things that defines you is how you handle adversity. It seems that you are doing a great job!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nice! You should go to some retirement homes or homes for the disabled, and play for them! What a blessing you'd be for them!


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

Just picture yourself 10 years down the road married to her with 2 children only to find out that she has cheated on you several times with several different men. This my friend is what your decision has more than likely avoided. Scary isn't it?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Funny you would mention it, I actually work at an retirement home! Yes I know you are right, I recently (last week) learned that she has actually cheated on me, so I highly doubt it was the first time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> Funny you would mention it, I actually work at an retirement home! Yes I know you are right, I recently (last week) learned that she has actually cheated on me, so I highly doubt it was the first time.


What did you learn and how?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

What is your take on friendship after all this then? Good/bad?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Absolutely no. No Contact is the ONLY method that'll allow you to move on


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> What is your take on friendship after all this then? Good/bad?


Bad.:nono:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Great song! Good job!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Let's pretend you are jealous as the group tried to scare into you. 
Does it really sound healthy to stay friends with her in that regard?
Do you really want a friend, like her, giving you advice on who you date?
Do you really want to listen to her new boyfriend problems?
Do you really want to see who the love of your life likes better than you?


I could keep going, but you get where I am headed.

No, friends should be the last thing on your mind. I am not saying you have to be a jerk, but you don't have to be friends with everyone.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Okay then, **** this is harder than imagined knowing that we shouldn't even be friends...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

If she really was your friend she would not have cheated on you. Who needs friends like that?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Why would you even want to stay friends with someone you cannot trust?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Adam Palo

Here is your song. "Somebody That I Used To Know". In this case she (the cheater) would be singing the guy's lyrics and you (cheated upon) are singing the girl's lyrics. It would be a great cover. Play it when you feel like going back. Do you have to see her day-to-day or can you just cut it off and she becomes "somebody that you used to know"? Contact = pain. No contact = less and less pain.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> What is your take on friendship after all this then? Good/bad?


For god's sake man, you meet some random person (as we all do when we get into relationships), she cheats on you, kicks you in the nuts why on earth would you want to be friends with her..because she gave you the booty?

Lots of booty out there friend. Besides you don't want to be her friend do you? First start by being honest with yourself and stop the nice guy beta stuff, again why would you want to be friends with someone who f*cked you over?

Make any sense?


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

JustTheFacts said:


> I know it's hard but you made the right choice. Unless she gets some serious help, she will always be a high risk for cheating. If you are tempted again to take her back, do yourself a favor and test her first. Get some guy to call her and say something like :" You gave me your number a while back. would you like to meet up? " See what she says. There are a billion ways to test her. Come up with one. I would recommend just staying away from her though.



Why do this? If he has to "test" like this, why would he want to take her back? Not a good way to start a relationship. It's just playing games and pointless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Asking about friendship tells me that you just are afraid that there's nothing better for you out there. THERE IS! You're just too young to know that yet.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

It was a warning to him in case his emotions overtook his common sense and he decided to take her back. I told him to test her because I know that she would fail and he would see that and come back to his senses.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I mean HIM asking if he can still be friends. He's afraid to let go cos he's afraid nobody else will want to hang out with him. She's been his safety blanket this whole time.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Friends don't do what she did to you, to each other. So NO she's not your friend and you should avoid trying to make her one at all costs. The only reason she wants to be friends with you is that it validates her actions as not being hurtful to you, and relieves her guilt. "See we're friends so I didn't betray him. If I had we wouldn't be friends ,would we?"
Avoid her like the plague. ZERO contact.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You want to friendzone yourself?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She wants to be friends? Yeah, sure she does..


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Haha you all seem pretty convinced on that point that we shouldn't be friends. If I am completely honest with myself, me maybe wanting to be friends with her is partly guilt for leaving her (which I absolutely shouldn't have, I know) and partly just thinking that we would be happier if we stayed friends and a bit troubled over how I would do it if I where to cut off contact completely. It's absolutely not that I think that I can't find any better, because I am absolutely CONVINCED that I indeed can, I am a good guy and have a lot to offer. Is it all bad staying friends or can it be healthy? If not, how do I cut off contact?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Should I ask her in all honesty why she wants to be my friend?


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

skerzoid said:


> Adam Palo
> 
> Here is your song. "Somebody That I Used To Know". In this case she (the cheater) would be singing the guy's lyrics and you (cheated upon) are singing the girl's lyrics. It would be a great cover. Play it when you feel like going back. Do you have to see her day-to-day or can you just cut it off and she becomes "somebody that you used to know"? Contact = pain. No contact = less and less pain.


Very good reference, thanks


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Adampalo said:


> Should I ask her in all honesty why she wants to be my friend?


 Nope. You should maintain NO, as in ZERO contact with her. Less chance of you losing your resolve, and doing something stupid like getting back together with her that way. Besides, do you actually think "in all honesty" is even in her skillset? Don't bank on it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> Should I ask her in all honesty why she wants to be my friend?


Only on a surface level. And then it will only be temporary...just long enough for her to tell everyone how you forgave her, and stayed friends, and that your relationship was just never meant to be, and that everything worked out for the best and....

She wants to absolve her guilt and save her rep. If you stay friends with her, it is tantamount to forgiving her and accepting what she did to you...so that she can look good to herself and others. She doesn't have to feel so bad about being a selfish cheating brat. And so she will continue this same behavior with the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy....

It doesn't have anything to do with you. If you support this, you will be encouraging her to continue this destructive behavior.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Only on a surface level. And then it will only be temporary...just long enough for her to tell everyone how you forgave her, and stayed friends, and that your relationship was just never meant to be, and that everything worked out for the best and....
> 
> She wants to absolve her guilt and save her rep. If you stay friends with her, it is tantamount to forgiving her and accepting what she did to you...so that she can look good to herself and others. She doesn't have to feel so bad about being a selfish cheating brat. And so she will continue this same behavior with the next guy, and the next guy, and the next guy....
> 
> It doesn't have anything to do with you. If you support this, you will be encouraging her to continue this destructive behavior.


You really think so? I don't feel that I encourage her to continue this destructive behaviour at all actually... Just maybe saving what was actually was good with our relationship through friendship? I am moving away to another city in a couple of weeks, you all figure that I should just stop staying in touch and work on myself instead, or what should I do? You really think NOTHING good can come out of our friendship? The best part of our relationship was our friendship in my opinion, is it not possible to save it?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> You really think so? I don't feel that I encourage her to continue this destructive behaviour at all actually... Just maybe saving what was actually was good with our relationship through friendship? I am moving away to another city in a couple of weeks, you all figure that I should just stop staying in touch and work on myself instead, or what should I do? You really think NOTHING good can come out of our friendship? The best part of our relationship was our friendship in my opinion, is it not possible to save it?


Wait a year. By then you will have a new girlfriend. Then explain to your new gf why you want to remain friends with your cheating ex-girlfriend. that conversation will not go over well. She might dump you on the spot. 

Adampolo, your ex took a big dump on your relationship. She did not act like a friend. She betrayed you. If she ever ever contacts you sometime far away in the future and expresses true remorse (not regret, remorse, there is a difference) then perhaps consider having no hard feelings. Don't hold your breath waiting. Just move away and move on. Block her from social media. She does not need to know your biz or you hers.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

True friends do not do things that they know will cause you pain and then try to hide it from you. 

You cannot remain friends with a partner who cheated on you and really move forward and heal from the pain she has caused.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

Okay then, I really sincerely need your advice now. I recently moved to another town to study, work, etc, do things that I like (never really liked my hometown in all honesty). Although, she seems to have thoughts of moving here too in about 5 months to do the same things... I don't know what the **** to do, I don't want to live in the same town as her, while still I don't want to move from here since I've had the dream of moving to this particular town since I was ten... WHAT DO I DO??

I REALLY SINCERELY NEED YOUR ADVICE NOW.. :'(


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What makes you think you're going to run into her? You two will have different circles. Don't sweat it. Just get busy enjoying your new life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Adampalo said:


> Okay then, I really sincerely need your advice now. I recently moved to another town to study, work, etc, do things that I like (never really liked my hometown in all honesty). Although, she seems to have thoughts of moving here too in about 5 months to do the same things... I don't know what the **** to do, I don't want to live in the same town as her, while still I don't want to move from here since I've had the dream of moving to this particular town since I was ten... WHAT DO I DO??
> 
> I REALLY SINCERELY NEED YOUR ADVICE NOW.. :'(


Move in with a new girl.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> Okay then, I really sincerely need your advice now. I recently moved to another town to study, work, etc, do things that I like (never really liked my hometown in all honesty). Although, she seems to have thoughts of moving here too in about 5 months to do the same things... I don't know what the **** to do, I don't want to live in the same town as her, while still I don't want to move from here since I've had the dream of moving to this particular town since I was ten... WHAT DO I DO??
> 
> I REALLY SINCERELY NEED YOUR ADVICE NOW.. :'(


Live where you want to live. Do the things you want to do.

If you continue to live your life based what she is doing or where she intends to live - then you need to look for a counselor who can help you stop obsessing over this girl.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Stay where you want to be. Just ignore her or at best just a "hi" if you see her.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Where is ShesStillGotIt when we need her?

That scene in the God Father Johnny Fontaine: "You can act like a man! SMACK!! What's the matter with you!!"

Friends?

No way! Not gonna work! She will use a friendship to seduce you. You might think that this is emblematic of 'true love' when in fact she is merely using you to validate her ho-bag self... 

This will go down one of two ways:

I hate the term 'Beta' (loathe it loathe it loathe it), but go back to her and she will just string you along until she finds someone she deems 'alpha' enough for her, claim to be a changed woman, and drop you fast. He will be bigger than you, probably better looking, and treats her just a bit badly. But she will love every second of it until he cheats on her. At which point, she will again come crawling back to you but NOT for the reason you think (or hope). It will likely be to cheat on him with you. At which point you'll settle for whatever you can get and that shimmer of hope to get her back...

Scenario 2: you up your game and become the man that she thinks she wants. Overnight, you become the embodiment of Tyler Durden (don't know what that is? Google it and learn, son). She repents on all that is holy and submits to you. She lets your physical intimacy go places that you never imagined human beings go. In your passionate rage, you will do things to her body that will make Ron Jeremy blush. It's an addictive and wild ride until you or her or both implode...

I get it. I so get it. You are afraid she is your 'the one' and with a little time and patience things will be what they were meant to be. I mean this with love: you sound like a sweet kid. Move the kcuf on. Truthfully, it is clear that no one can convince you as to why moving on is the right thing at this juncture in your life. It's gonna take a leap of faith on your part. Yes it is scary. But you are gonna have to trust us. You'll also, for time being, just have to believe that the reason why people like us care to take the time to care is because we know from experience that the path you are on absolutely sucks and would love nothing more than to save someone (anyone) the grief and misery that is staring you in the face.

Your homework: go watch the GodFather 1 and 2 (3 is optional), FightClub, and Swingers. Then and only then report back here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> You really think so? I don't feel that I encourage her to continue this destructive behaviour at all actually... Just maybe saving what was actually was good with our relationship through friendship? I am moving away to another city in a couple of weeks, you all figure that I should just stop staying in touch and work on myself instead, or what should I do? You really think NOTHING good can come out of our friendship? The best part of our relationship was our friendship in my opinion, is it not possible to save it?


Knowing what I know now, had she done to me what she did to you, I would have gone completely silent. Spy drone silent. She would have never heard from me again. I would have banished her from all social media accounts, blocked her cell phone, un-friended her in every way, and had nothing more to do with her, her family or the crowd she runs around with. 

It is called self-respect, and you need to learn the value of it if you are to live a life of integrity and honor.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> Okay then, I really sincerely need your advice now. I recently moved to another town to study, work, etc, do things that I like (never really liked my hometown in all honesty). Although, she seems to have thoughts of moving here too in about 5 months to do the same things... I don't know what the **** to do, I don't want to live in the same town as her, while still I don't want to move from here since I've had the dream of moving to this particular town since I was ten... WHAT DO I DO??
> 
> I REALLY SINCERELY NEED YOUR ADVICE NOW.. :'(


Write her one last e-mail or text and tell her you are through with her and that you want no more communication with her....ever. That's it. Then block her on all accounts and phone numbers. Be a guillotine. Cut it off. 

If she moves to that town...so what? Ignore her and continue staying dark. If she approaches you or continues to stalk you, tell her you will report her to the authorities if she doesn't desist. 

Yes...you have to be mean like this sometimes. 

Please take some advice from a guy who has been burned many, many times. This girl is not your friend nor is she worthy of friendship.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Write her one last e-mail or text and tell her you are through with her and that you want no more communication with her....ever. That's it. Then block her on all accounts and phone numbers. Be a guillotine. Cut it off.
> 
> If she moves to that town...so what? Ignore her and continue staying dark. If she approaches you or continues to stalk you, tell her you will report her to the authorities if she doesn't desist.
> 
> ...


i disagree...

just ghost her.

don't give her the satisfaction of closure.

but either way, end it now


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Adampalo (Jun 18, 2017)

You all give me fantastic advice on this issue. I see your point and I do think I agree that I should just stop keeping in touch with her... How about just making less and less contact with time and in time just be gone from eachothers lives completely? I mean, if I do it cold turkey, she is going to put up a fight and I don't really feel like I am in a place (emotionally) that I could deal with that. What do you all think, is cold-turkey really the only way?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Adampalo;
"Okay then, I really sincerely need your advice now. I recently moved to another town to study, work, etc, do things that I like (never really liked my hometown in all honesty). Although, she seems to have thoughts of moving here too in about 5 months to do the same things... I don't know what the **** to do, I don't want to live in the same town as her, while still I don't want to move from here since I've had the dream of moving to this particular town since I was ten... WHAT DO I DO??

I REALLY SINCERELY NEED YOUR ADVICE NOW.." 

Adam, you must be honest with her. Let her know that she hurt you too much and that she is no longer your friend. Friends don't betray people that they love. She abused your trust. You don't see her in the same way anymore. She deserves someone that can look at her and love her. You do too. You both hurt each other and will never look at each other the same way again. You both deserve better. You want to be able to have someone that you can look at and feel the thrill again. You never will with her. She deserves better also. She deserves someone that will love her the way that she deserves. The best thing you can do is to start dating other girls, not necessarily in a serious manner, but just for the enjoyment of their company. Hang out with them, go on double dates, take your guitar along and play some music for others when you get a chance.... Join the gym and workout. Join a co-ed volleyball league, I did in college and had a lot of fun and met a lot of girls. Whatever, get out and have fun. Five months from now, you will be a different person and so will she. Five months is a long time when you are eighteen. Good Luck!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Adampalo said:


> You all give me fantastic advice on this issue. I see your point and I do think I agree that I should just stop keeping in touch with her... How about just making less and less contact with time and in time just be gone from eachothers lives completely? I mean, if I do it cold turkey, she is going to put up a fight and I don't really feel like I am in a place (emotionally) that I could deal with that. What do you all think, is cold-turkey really the only way?


Cold turkey would be the best way, but sadly I don't think you are strong enough to do that.

Find a counselor to help you through this. Your focus on her is unhealthy.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Cold turkey would be the best way, but sadly I don't think you are strong enough to do that.
> 
> Find a counselor to help you through this. Your focus on her is unhealthy.


Cold turkey yes, but .... counselor? Counselors schmounselors!!! What is it with you Yanks and your obsession with counselors?? Just a bunch of partially educated doofuses with their heads up their as*es most of the time.


He's an 18 year old kid for crying out loud!!!

This is just his first semester in the School of Hard Knocks for pity's sake. He'll live. We all did.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

In the future, you'll know women far better. Your instinct will sharpen. You'll see through the "makeup" and see who the lady really is. 

You'll eventually learn what I mean by makeup is not cosmetics. Your approach will be more solid. You will be in control. Confidence will build. 

While younger, it was always me who broke up with girls. Not for cheating. Just that I somehow knew I was waaaayyy too young and just a head full of mush to even remotely consider a serious relationship before I was 25.

I did not play the field, showed respect but you know... my experience and confidence grew - which attracted better and more decent ladies. 

I guess as I grew the **** up, I started socializing in circles that equaled my own maturity. 

Be patient and maintain self awareness of others and in yourself. 

Don't have the confidence just yet? No worries. Just "fake it till you make it".


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Adampalo said:


> You all give me fantastic advice on this issue. I see your point and I do think I agree that I should just stop keeping in touch with her... How about just making less and less contact with time and in time just be gone from eachothers lives completely? I mean, if I do it cold turkey, she is going to put up a fight and I don't really feel like I am in a place (emotionally) that I could deal with that. What do you all think, is cold-turkey really the only way?


Let her put up a fight. Let her stomp and cry and squall and scream...so what? 

Are you scared of her?


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