# Gasping Through Marriage



## Deejo

Gasping Through Marriage: Are We Asking Too Much? | CommonHealth

and a link to the paper that the article is referencing:

http://home.uchicago.edu/cmhui/publications/PI_Suffocation.pdf

The article ends on this note:

*"If couples do decide to stick it out for the long haul, there’s something else they might want to consider: according to another new study, sex (and intimacy) remains key to a happy, healthy union. It can be a buffer against the injustices of aging, researchers suggest, and allow us to live together until death do us part."*


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## CharlieParker

Interesting link, as always, thanks. 

Hmm, you edited in the sex part, I do agree. 

Since coming (happily) to TAM I think I've been "asking/trying for more". I find it a double edged sword, higher highs but also lower lows. It's not huge, but it is noticeable. Well, that and I'm still adjusting to the sex sans estrogen. 

A saying we have (and used primarily vis a vis sex) is be pragmatic not dogmatic, probably a good idea on a more macro level.


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## jld

I think we have a good marriage, but I would like dh to take more interest in my interests (like reading more at TAM), and to express himself more. I think these are reasonable expectations, and he is already showing improvement.

I am going to ask him what he would like from me.

One thing he mentioned recently is that he likes me the way I am. He likes _who_ I am. I am a SAHM, but I have not done all the child care (he would get up at night so I could sleep), and he has never expected a clean and tidy home, though it often was. He really just wanted _me_ in his life, and as the full-time mother of his children.

I think just loving a woman that way, just accepting her as she is, is a wise way for a husband to be with a wife.


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## SimplyAmorous

*From the article*...


> In the report, researchers say that Americans today are increasingly — and perhaps unrealistically — asking their marriages to fulfill higher-level psychological needs, such as those related *to personal growth and self-realization*. So, it’s not so much that we’re asking too much of our spouses, we may just be asking for the wrong things.


 It doesn't go into specifics to what those wrong things are, or what the higher expectations are for many ....I think people have very different expectations in marriage .. mine are higher in some areas but much lower in other areas.. that may be normal for other women...and it may even depend on the season in our marriage -to what we are working towards.. 

When we married, we had some dreams that we would have did *almost anything* for ...like having some kids, being able to afford a house in the country/ pay all our bills on time, family outings/vacations ..even if it might just be camping overnight / amusement parks.. we almost never thought of getting off alone (but should have)....having $$ set aside for emergencies ...pretty simple goals really... .nothing extravagant....it was about building memories and enjoying our family.....and growing old together...

There was a time I was working almost as much as him, he would complain I was never home... he'd come home & I'd be off with a kiss ....and when I was home, it seems we were doing work projects... it was our motivation to improve our 2nd house so we could sell it when we found the house we wanted...so there was *purpose* in it.

Once that was achieved, we slowed down some...which gave us more peace and time together... to enjoy our kids.. I guess there is a time for everything... 

I've always felt my husband met my needs, emotional and physical ... I failed him back in the day -with the physical ... this is behind us now...my complaints of him is pure nit picking- once my physical "wants" surpassed his... 



> It wasn’t always this way. Marital expectations have evolved over time from subsistence needs — food, shelter, safety, sex and procreation — to higher-level psychological needs. But couples today often lack the time and energy needed to meet these expanding needs, which is contributing to a declining level of marital quality and well being, said the authors.


 I think many couples are just TOO BUSY..plus kids today are expected to be in this, that & the other or their social status takes a hit... they have our 1st grader doing geometry....and he has homework almost every night...

The higher expectations are everywhere today... so many little things we gripe about...how they downsize our packaged food -yet the price keeps going UP! ...Products today seem of lessor quality, everyone is cutting corners & who takes the hit...we do in our families....(Girl scout cookies -don't even taste the same)....little stressers.. but it all adds up..



> The new “oxygen-rich” model claims marriage is an institution that requires many, many resources to meet core psychological needs. *“You need the inputs of time, emotional energy, and a strong connection between the partners,*” said Grace Larson of Northwestern University and co-author of the study. “We conceptualize that as requiring a lot of oxygen.”
> 
> Under this model, if people have the time and energy to devote to the relationship, the oxygen needs are met. But with so many other competing demands, such as spending more time at work or putting more energy into child care, the flow of oxygen can be cut off, thereby suffocating the marriage.


 again, the busier lifestyle... just not enough time in the day, many are exhausted...trying to meet their bills or maintain a lifestyle they desire.



> *It’s a strong message within the consensual non-monogamy community that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your most important needs,” said Larson.
> 
> But is outsourcing our needs really a great option for most of us? Or should couples simply hunker down, make more time for each other and adjust their expectations of marriage?*


 I'd consider us hunkered down...our time together is very precious to us... I don't like my husband feeling stressed, this can take a hit on his sex drive... and that wouldn't be working for me.. so trying to effectively manage our TIME as wisely as possible for us all to enjoy ...and have a smoother ride.. this I try to do.

*******

This was NOT part of the article but what the 1st responder wrote, I thought it was pretty good...mentioning Purpose..... what makes us feel purposeful... that answer is different for many people.... it would really be sad to die as early as 30 though! 



> The end goal of fulfillment is purpose. Specifically higher purpose. For 99% of history, the general purpose was pretty clear: stay alive until 30, raise as many children as possible, keep the community connected, and so forth. Higher purpose involved religion, science, faith, meditation, morality, and ethics. Marriage is not meant to be the purpose of one’s life. It is supposed to mark the transition from self-interest into being an adult who is responsible for another person’s life and having the honor of raising a child with him or her.
> 
> *If anything, a spouse should be a co-pilot in helping both people find and harness that sense of fulfillment. What fulfills a person will change over time. When I was 5 my fulfillment revolved around toys and love, when I was 15 my fulfillment revolved around understanding the world around me and fitting in, and at 25 my fulfillment revolves around spiritual happiness and working hard at my job. At 35, 45, 55, and so forth, what fulfills me is going to change.*


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## Philat

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Sex is better than ever.


:smthumbup:


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## Deejo

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
institution?" - Groucho Marx


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## Thor

The article seems to describe marriages withering due to neglect. Too many distractions, too much time and attention paid to the kids. Typical modern marriage.

But their conclusion is wrong that finding additional people for what amounts to an EA is the answer. And certainly their conclusion that PA or open marriages are the answer is wrong for the vast majority of people.

Whatever happened to making the marriage itself a priority?


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## poppyseed

Deejo said:


> "Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an
> institution?" - Groucho Marx


I guess marriage is a necessary institution when there are children involved.

Deejo Looks like a very comprehensive article. Thank you for sharing.


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