# DH has no empathy for my deep childhood wounds



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

My father is an alcoholic (possibly sober now but not 100% sure...he did go to rehab a couple of years ago) and I am a grateful member of Al Anon. I have been working hard on my recovery through al anon and counseling. 

Situations will come up where I have anxiety about my dad possibly drinking, traumatic memories or triggers and my husband is unable to be supportive. He will raise his tone of voice and start shooting out quetions like "i dont even know if he is an alcoholic" "you say these horrible things about what he's done but I've never seen it" "why don't we just never talk to him again." 

Basically, he puts me in a place where I am having to prove to him that my dad is an alcoholic. I refuse to play that game b/c it is unhelpful in my recovery. All I know is that my dad's drinking and behavior greatly affected me. Other adult children of alcoholics out there I am sure realize that growing up with that leaves you with deep wounds and PTSD even.

I love my dad and I am able to have a good relationship with him now. I am able to detach with love, but there are times where I want to my husband to hold me and tell me he is there for me and tell me he realizes my pain.

DH has read books, we are in couples counseling...he has even gone to an Al Anon meeting with me. He thinks it's all BS. He himself is not an alcoholic. 

Please help. I can't live my life with him kicking me while I am down. It is re-traumatizing me. He is so great and wonderful in so many other ways.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Pardon my ignorance since I am not an alcoholic nor I know what it is to grow in that sort of environment, In fact I had to google al anon. 

Hopefully I won't sound like a jerk but, did your husband know about this before getting married? How can you say he is wonderful when he is dismissing something that is obviously so important to you? It sounds borderline abusive.

It's strange he will say something like "I don't even know if he is an alcoholic because I've never seen it" usually people trust their partners enough to take their word for it, you are worried about your father getting back into a bad and toxic habit, it's reasonable yet his reaction is like he is in denial.

Is there any chance someone close to him was an alcoholic and never got help? Is he missing a father figure and he gets along well with your dad? Are you positive he does not have an issue with the abuse of any substance or had?

I don't think lack of empathy is the issue here.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Amorous,

He did not know about my dad before we got married due to my HIGH levels of denial and shame. He is close to his dad. He did not grow up w/ addiction, but rather domestic violence, but he does not phrase it as such. 

I am certain he does not have a problem w/ any substance....not even food, spending or gambeling. 

This is the email he just sent me (he works away from home).

I'm sorry (my name). I don't mean to hurt you. I just wanted the facts. I am a man so understand that I don't have the emotional feelings that you do. I have to do something to fix it....like tell him off or tell you to stop talking to him. I can't just say I'm sorry and let it happen. I liked that last email though. That helps me understand. Gotta go back to work. Muah


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell your husband that this is something he can't fix and it isn't his job to fix it. It is his job to offer comfort and compassion when you are hurting. All you really want is an ear and a hug.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Have you addressed this issue at Al Anon? Seems like a valid topic.

I agree with Blondi. You could tell your H that you don't NEED him to fix anything. You just need him to hug you if you get upset about dad....period. 

I think you have to try to understand that if H has never dealt with an alcoholic parent then he just cannot understand the effect it's had on you. Everybody views things thru their own experiences, so it's just not in his psyche. Everyone has issues that we don't understand.... so you have to understand that in regard to H. 

Tell him what you need from him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> DH has read books, we are in couples counseling...he has even gone to an Al Anon meeting with me. He thinks it's all BS. He himself is not an alcoholic.
> 
> Please help. I can't live my life with him kicking me while I am down. It is re-traumatizing me. He is so great and wonderful in so many other ways.


With all the education he's had, why is he so opposed to admitting your father's drinking affected you?

Have you sat him down and said to him slowly and clearly that this is very real to you, whether or not he believes in ptsd or al anon? You feel as if he is kicking you when you are down, and he is traumatizing you with his behavior. You cannot remain in a relationship with someone who is abusing you, which is what he is doing.

Then just look at him and say nothing. Let it sink in. Be calm but definite in your approach with him.

Somehow he isn't getting that this is real and it is serious. Other than telling him directly, idk how else you can get the message across.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

As a wife, you should be focusing on your husband and not your father. You should be working to avoid allowing your bad childhood to harm your marriage. You should not be working on creating a relationship with an alcoholic father to the detriment of your marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hicks said:


> As a wife, you should be focusing on your husband and not your father. You should be working to avoid allowing your bad childhood to harm your marriage. You should not be working on creating a relationship with an alcoholic father to the detriment of your marriage.


I agree you already have a strained and horrible relationship with your father OP don't let that determine the relationship with your husband. I think he, your husband is 100% right, if you have so much anxiety about your father you should cut him from your life completely..... This is for you, this is for your husband.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"He did not grow up w/ addiction, but rather domestic violence, *but he does not phrase it as such*."

Ah, the old "if we don't give it a name it doesn't exist" approach to life. Also, known as the "ostrich" approach.

Just because he never witnessed the alcoholic abuse when you were growing up means it couldn't have happened? Just how arrogant is your husband? Why does he feel entitled to call you a liar?

Sorry, but your husband needs to dig deep and find compassion & empathy. He probably doesn't believe that soldiers suffer PTSD from battle, either. What a putz!

And, don't ever stuff your pain just to save your husband from having to man up and actually have to act like a husband.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Tell your husband that this is something he can't fix and it isn't his job to fix it. It is his job to offer comfort and compassion when you are hurting. All you really want is an ear and a hug.


You are absolutely right, but it is very difficult for us men to realise that the thing for us to do is not offer a solution but sympathy, as we are hard-wired, I reckon, to offer solutions.

I have been married nearly 38 years now and it is still difficult!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> As a wife, you should be focusing on your husband and not your father. You should be working to avoid allowing your bad childhood to harm your marriage. You should not be working on creating a relationship with an alcoholic father to the detriment of your marriage.



Thanks for your insight, but I don't think you get what I am saying.
DH is the one putting the focus on my dad by wanting proof etc etc. I try to keep the focus on muself (that is the message of al anon)....and i am wanting support & empathy from my husband in this journey.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I am able to detach with love fron my dad. So my relationship today with my dad is a non issue. The issue now is healing....working through triggers....and my overall recovery.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> You are absolutely right, but it is very difficult for us men to realise that the thing for us to do is not offer a solution but sympathy, as we are hard-wired, I reckon, to offer solutions.
> 
> I have been married nearly 38 years now and it is still difficult!


I was married for 43 years. My husband would invariably ask "Do you want me to go kick their a$$? Cause you just give the word & I'll do it!" Always while hugging me. He & I both knew he had no intention of kicking anything but it did help to defuse the situation and I loved him for it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> Thanks for your insight, but I don't think you get what I am saying.
> DH is the one putting the focus on my dad by wanting proof etc etc. I try to keep the focus on muself (that is the message of al anon)....and i am wanting support & empathy from my husband in this journey.


I don't think you get what I am saying.

You are bringing your childhood traumas into your marriage by allowing wounds of the past to affect your present. Then you are blaming your husband for not being able to deal with it the right way. Your husband is not a trained psychologist. He wants you to focus on him and be one of the millions of people who don't let bad childhoods ruin their adulthoods.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A person suffering from past trauma can't help if they are triggered at times. She isn't sniveling because daddy didn't buy her an ice cream cone.

Wander over to the CWI section and see how many people experience triggers of every imaginable sort and then tell them that they are damaging their marriage by allowing those thoughts to surface. Yeah, didn't think you would because no one likes to be tarred & feathered.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

My wife is an ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) and from my perspective it seems that she understands that she has dysfunctional ways of dealing with things that were created by her upbringing, but she has accepted them as her personality rather than working to change them. 

As a result she often plays the victim or martyr which is an attitude I can't stomach. So I understand where she's coming from and I sympathize, but her choice to not address her issues creates a distance between us. 

To me, her refusal to address her issues is disrespectful because it has clearly damaged our relationship. She doesn't care. She expects everyone to change their behavior for her.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I don't think you get what I am saying.
> 
> You are bringing your childhood traumas into your marriage by allowing wounds of the past to affect your present. Then you are blaming your husband for not being able to deal with it the right way. Your husband is not a trained psychologist. He wants you to focus on him and be one of the millions of people who don't let bad childhoods ruin their adulthoods.





We all bring our childhood "stuff" into our marriage. I believe that marriage is a vehicle for great change....where 2 people can work together to heal childhood wounds & grow together....and be truly vulnerable to one another.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> My wife is an ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) and from my perspective it seems that she understands that she has dysfunctional ways of dealing with things that were created by her upbringing, but she has accepted them as her personality rather than working to change them.
> 
> As a result she often plays the victim or martyr which is an attitude I can't stomach. So I understand where she's coming from and I sympathize, but her choice to not address her issues creates a distance between us.
> 
> To me, her refusal to address her issues is disrespectful because it has clearly damaged our relationship. She doesn't care. She expects everyone to change their behavior for her.




While I have a long way to go....I am in recovery & have been in Al-Anon for several years & therapy even longer.

The issue that prompted my thread was this:

I was at a family celebration w/ my father. He had what looked like a ****tail. I was unsure if it was alcohol or not (i have not seen him drink for several years).

I left the event & called my sponsor....read my al anon literature that i carry w/ me & was able to return to the event w/out allowing whether he was drinking or not affect my ability to enjoy the day.

I told my husband the story and he said....."oh, ok. So anyway." I asked him if that was all he could say. He replied "i feel like you are holding this guy prisoner." 

I was hurt & confused b/c my telling the story was a triumph for me. It wasn't about me trying to control my dad.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Really? ****tail gets bleeped out?! Lol!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

To further clarify the prisoner statement....he followed w/ "i don't get why you can't just let the guy have a drink."

I have educated him on addiction....he even went to family days at my dad's rehab. He heard the doctor say "your dad is a very sick man." 

Yet years later he is still splitting hairs about whether or not he is an alcoholic.

My husband called this morning & said "i love you and i will work on this." But we've gone through this before.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your happiness in life should not be dependent upon whether your father is sober or drunk. You have to break the chains.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Missy... SO sorry you are at this particular point in your recovery and excited for you too. This spot is one of the most difficult yet the most productive so be encouraged. My H has been on both sides of this issue of showing empathy and NOT showing empathy. As relationships ebb and flow I feel that generally most people float in and out of being emotionally available. While I hear your pain of your husbands actions, you do have a choice to detach from him to a certain degree to navigate this section he can't be available for in order to prevent further damage during your recovery. And its ok. My H, as emotionally intelligent and as compassionate as he can be many days, just went through some time where he didn't have patience for it. It is a recovery that is intense and can be very consuming of the relationship and he may be in a weary spot. Take it for what it is, a gap in his support, but refrain from throwing him out with the bathwater. If he can just hug you and let it go, you do not owe him proof. You know your truth. You don't have enough energy to be grilled on a witness stand and if he presses you about it tell him "I've told you what happened, it is enough." And just stop repeating yourself. His acceptance of that truth is on him to work out. You can't do that part for him. Be cordial, but not available for a beat down. Protect your heart until he can get his thinking straightened around.

It sounds like his feelings may be surfacing from his past....


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Missy,

Your husband sounds like many people who have never had to deal with an active addict. Bless him, for real. May he continue on that fortunate path. 

I completely understand your victory, and well done! It's very hard to do when you know that one small move (drink) can bring everything down. That stuff can be incredibly triggering, I am glad you were able to take a moment, reach out, and then continue to enjoy the day. :smthumbup:

Your husband might not be able to provide the support you need. It would be a shame but it might the case. I would just try to keep communicating with him, and relying on your Alanon group for true understanding and support.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hey, and one more thing missy.. don't forget to have fun and take breaks from your recovery, for both your sakes.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

intheory said:


> missy,
> 
> Your post and situation reminds me of a philosophy I have come up with, "Children of alcohol abusers should only marry other children of alcohol abusers"
> 
> ...




My dad's behavior now is not the issue. I am the issue. My recovery is the issue. By the way...my dad was NOT drinking alcohol. It looked like alcohol to me and it triggered me. I am not going to cut him out. I love him & we enjoy each other's company.

My husband grew up w/ domestic violence...a mother who had borderline traits....a father who checked out. So he did not live a sheltered life. His coping skills are denial and humor.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

missymrs80 said:


> My dad's behavior now is not the issue. I am the issue. My recovery is the issue. By the way...my dad was NOT drinking alcohol. It looked like alcohol to me and it triggered me. I am not going to cut him out. I love him & we enjoy each other's company.
> 
> My husband grew up w/ domestic violence...a mother who had borderline traits....a father who checked out. So he did not live a sheltered life. His coping skills are denial and humor.


That email you copied and posted here clearly indicates your H is willing and wants to be there for you, he just doesn't know how to be a good compassionate listener. I think this is rather common for most men. My H was the same way and it wasn't very conducive to creating a safe environment to get this things off your chest.

I think if you could find a list of how to behave when your wife needs emotional support and have him read it, this might make things easier for you. I wrote things down, the way I wanted him to be emotionally supportive and he has really stepped up.

You say his go to reaction is denial and humor, which means it's all just denial. Learning how to be emotionally supportive will also help him in other areas.

Yes, it totally hurts when you need emotional support and your spouse totally blows it from start to finish. I really get that. Hang in there. This will take time but since he willing to learn, you guys will get there.


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