# Marriage communication compatibility



## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

Hi,

I hope I'm not breaking all kinds of rules being a man posting in the ladies lounge.

I wanted to ask opinions and start a general discussion on this to possibly find some clarity.

I've been married to my wife for 13 years. Generally we have a great marriage, and although it isn't perfect we've had some great times. I find as we've matured, there have been differences that have popped up and caused some frustrations.

We've moved across the country and are living in a place that regrettably I've never warmed up to. I'm used to a small town, slower pace of life, with a huge family foundation being a part of who I am. Our soul reason for staying is my wifes job, and has left me scrambling to go back to school and reinvent myself. A change was due, but its definitely forced my hand. My wife has made it very clear that she isn't leaving anytime soon. I'm fine with the idea of supporting her, but this endless tunnel that were in is hard to deal with. Our entire family on both sides is 3 provinces away. Feeling like a 3rd wheel is very hard on a guy. I do everything I can to feel like I'm maintaining my significance in the relationship.

The hardest part is feeling like, I either accept my situation, or leave my wife. It's definitely stung a bit, but her silence has left me with this conclusion....it's been an ongoing argument for over two years. We chose to move here as a team...and with the crashing economy, and the frustrations I've had it's caused some friction.

The biggest issue that this has exposed is our vast differences in communication. She tends to bottle up, stay quiet, she can be passive, aggressive and really has a hard time showing her cards. Even if it's a non-emotional subject she has trouble expressing her self.

This is something thats really important to me, the emotional connection with my wife, and some days I just feel like she holds back....and I don't ever really know her, or whats on her mind. It's hard to describe. I just get this reoccurring feeling that a husband and his wife should be able to discuss things other than the weather, and how cute the dogs look.....it feels childish some days.

I'll admit to being a bit of a communication pitbull...I'm sure it doesn't help like I intend it to.

How big of an issue is this? Are emotional and communicative compatibility issues something that couples overcome?

I just get so frustrated....I'm starving for this with her. I also know that after 15 years of being together, sometimes.....there isn't much to talk about.....maybe I'm wrong.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Ryan


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

I'm a bit confused about what you're asking. Emotional and communication issues can be huge in a marriage; for sure if there are problems they can be overcome. Can you clarify what kind of feedback you're looking for?


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## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

Thanks for the reply.

The first half of that essay was a bit of a vent session. Apologies.

I think as much as it hurts me to say, she and I have different types of emotional IQ I'd guess. She is very focused, but really has trouble communicating....I'm focused but tend to be more emotional....not overly sensitive, just a big heart when it comes to family.

Her inability to express herself is really tough. Its been a roadblock. How can we work on this together? Without it seeming like in throwing her under the bus?

I know its a bit of a role reversal, are there any of you that have had success breaking communication barriers with stubborn closed off men? My God it must be frustrating....especially when the big stuff is involved.

Does that clarify? I know I'm being fairly broad.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

It's really hard to get anywhere when talking in generalities. I think if you want some really helpful feedback you should probably paint us a good picture of exactly what the dynamic looks like between you and your wife.

In terms of stubborn, closed-off men; I would not characterize my husband that way. However, if he *really* wants something, he is going to get it and be stubborn about it and oblivious to what I think about it unless I really am vocal about *not* wanting same. If I'm not absolutely raising he!! about whatever it is that he *really* wants and I *really* don't want, then he interprets my lack of willingness to go toe to toe with him over it to mean that I have happily accepted the situation under his terms.

There have only been a few times in our 28 year marriage where we faced such a situation. In that situation, one of us is going to get what we really want, and the other is going to be really unhappy. It's not great. Most of the time he'll win that sort of thing because I can't stand it if he's unhappy, but I have stood my ground and got my way once..lol.. It was a hollow victory though because he was extremely unhappy about the situation for months, which was really hard on me. But we got through it.

Is the above the sort of scenario you and your wife are facing wrt her job and your move?

I get the impression that resentment over this issue is at the heart of your problem. Did I read you right?


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## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, you read it correctly! Here are some bullet points if it helps...its a complex situation.


- We're here, and shes made it clear that she's developing her career here with no sign of a move in the next 5 - 10 years. (I'm ok with this if there's at least some acknowledgement of what I want from life, which through her silence, there hasn't been...this is home....deal with it and drop it)

- I think you could stick a man in Hawaii and say "you can never leave without walking from your marriage" and it would destroy him inside. We aren't meant to feel like we're prisoners. although the idea is probably worst than the reality.

- She's very passive aggressive about it. I would really like her to come to me with her own offering, a solution, so she at least recognizes that it's a really raw deal for me, leaving my foundation behind and having to change who I am....I am a family man to the core, and we're completely alone out here, good friends aside. Even if she said "here is what I need to figure this out, to see if this career is for me and if its worth the sacrifice" I could easily have her back on this. Instead she says "I love you, I don't want you to leave, but I see us here until retirement" lol. Sweet WTF?

- I question if our marriage is deep enough, with what I need from it to make the sacrifice of staying here....possibly forever. She wont tell me otherwise, so I don't know what else to think about it. She can be very immature when it comes to communication. She gets very quiet, turns to baby talk when the dogs are around and talks in a very small childish tone as they walk by....all while cutting all communication with me. When I open up and want to talk about life, family, 5 year plan she shuts down and uses one or two word answers like....hmm, I'm not sure. Or, I don't know what you want from me....I've been very clear I want an offering of balance or fairness from her.....it's like a law case where the defendant just says....huh? Not sure what to say here. You can't finish the case without a proper testimony. lol

- On the flip side, she's a kind hearted woman....this isn't meant to paint a worse picture than it really is...We're just in a jam. I feel duped. 

- She's also been very supportive with me, through issues of anxiety and depression (which this move has most definitely aggravated) 

- I just wish I knew what other long term marriages felt like....how is the communication? The connection? Is there give and take with the big stuff? Is there a balance in terms of big life wants and needs?

The hardest part of ever making the move to leave is not know if the grass is really greener....it would be a decision I would regret forever if I was wrong.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Can you express here what you really want? Pretend your wife is reading this, and wants to have a heart-to-heart about it. What *do* you want. Tell us. Be specific: saying that you want better communication is not a helpful answer.


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## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

You're right, I'm trying to avoid dumping a pile of built up frustration into one long run-on sentence.

I want her to offer something to me, along the lines of "give me x amount of time to figure this out" or "this is what I want to accomplish in the next five years here, then if it isn't clicking for both of us, we can look at a transfer" 

I also would like her to TRY and grow in the way she expresses herself. I would like her to initiate conversations around feelings, and or core issues around location and our future.

I've also talked to her about the lack of affection in our marriage. She's always been slightly withdrawn....it feels awkard.
I'd like more random hugs and more eye contact. It's better than it was, but this can drive me mad at times.

Are there women out there that these things are important to? That strive for a balance and open communication and intimacy?

I just can't help but feel like I'm not quite fulfilled anymore, and these are NOT new topics to us. Any attempts to change are usually short lived, reverting back to old patterns and complacency.

The hard part is.....there is loyalty (I'm fairly sure), she isn't hard to be married to, along as I toe the line, and she's generally a sweet and open minded woman....she is the least judgemental person I've ever come across.

If I could just turn the volume up in some areas, live would drastically improve for us.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Here's what I'm hearing:

You don't like the fact that your life choices revolve around where she was able to get the best job. You resent that it limits certain options you would otherwise have in your life (i.e. to live closer to family, perhaps to pursue other personal goals of your own, etc..)

The thing is that IT IS HARD. That's what marriage is though. Everyone can't follow their bliss 100% of the time. What happens is that in marriage you're a team, and you make the decisions that make the most sense to furthering the goals of the TEAM. This means compromise. Sometimes you both have to compromise, sometimes what's best for the team at a certain point is what's best for one of you (i.e. one of you has to compromise, one gets exactly what s/he wants). At that point, if you love your spouse and value your marriage, then if you're the one who had to make the compromise you need to do it willingly and with good spirit, knowing that what you've decided is what's best for you as a couple, and that you value the marriage more than you do your autonomy.

You are not "lesser than" if you've made the compromise. Don't allow yourself to think that you are; it's wrong-headed thinking.

If you can't accept what you two decided together was the best thing, and you're constantly complaining about the situation, or trying to renegotiate, or just making it obvious that you will not be happy and make the best of it, than you're stealing joy from your spouse, making her burden harder and undermining your marriage. You're setting the marriage up for failure.

I've followed my husband's job all over the place. I've lived places that I didn't want to live, and been dragged kicking and screaming from homes that I loved. But I love the man, recognized that I had to compromise for the good of our family unit, and made myself happy with the situation. You've heard the expression "bloom where you're planted"? You're either the type of person who can work as a team or you're not. If you are, then start concentrating on thriving where you are, being fun to be with, appreciating your wife's contributions and supporting her career efforts.

As for communication, I suspect from what you've said that what your wife doesn't want to communicate about is this job issue. She shuts that down, but would be more than happy to communicate about anything/everything else? Is that a fair assumption? Think about it and put yourself in her shoes. How would you like it if your career was taking off but she was constantly complaining about her life and wanting something different? What if instead of appreciating the work you were doing for the two of you she could only see the sacrifices she was making so that you could do it?

Lack of affection: is that a euphemism for lack of sex?


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## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

OliviaG said:


> Here's what I'm hearing:
> 
> You don't like the fact that your life choices revolve around where she was able to get the best job. You resent that it limits certain options you would otherwise have in your life (i.e. to live closer to family, perhaps to pursue other personal goals of your own, etc..)
> 
> ...




You've actually hit the nail on the head on a few points here. thanks for taking the time to respond like this. It's actually helped with some clarity.

You're right that I need to see this from her side.....it is VERY one sided right now, and it feels like every road I go down there is something that closes in my face work wise, so I'm looking at the negative.

Your also probably correct that she would be open to talk things other than this situation....it's just tough that when I can squeeze something out of her it comes out like "F-U, we're here for life because I'm happy here" that's almost a direct quote minus the first part. lol

I agree with being happy where we are as well. Whever you go, there you are. I have to remember this one.

Lack of intimacy....well, partially a sex issue, but sometimes literally just a feeling of connectedness. Conversations around feelings, wants and needs....yes, I tend to be a rare breed in men when it comes to this... I'm not effeminate at all, it's just how I role. A lover and a fighter. lol

Anyway, thank you for the feedback on this. It is a bit deeper than a communication issue. It helps having a womans perspective, especially one that's been down this road.

It's reminded me that I need to be more accepting and toughen up a bit more, in a good way.

Thanks again


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

ryan2022 said:


> "F-U, we're here for life because I'm happy here" that's almost a direct quote minus the first part. lol


I'm interpreting that as an expression of exasperation on having to continually re-hash the subject, since you've painted her as generally an easy person to live with.



ryan2022 said:


> Lack of intimacy....well, partially a sex issue, but sometimes literally just a feeling of connectedness. Conversations around feelings, wants and needs....yes, I tend to be a rare breed in men when it comes to this... I'm not effeminate at all, it's just how I role. A lover and a fighter. lol


Conversations around feelings, wants and needs are good; everyone needs to be heard and for their feelings wants and needs to be taken into consideration. They cease being productive conversations about feelings, wants and needs though, if you find that you are having different versions of the same conversation over and over and over again. After a while they can morph into what feels more like a complaints session, so you want to be mindful of not letting that happen.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Curious, how would you classify your personality and your Ws (i.e Introverted, Extroverted...)? I forget where, but there are various links out there that will give you more details on your personality (i.e. the type of introvert or extrovert you are).



> I also would like her to TRY and grow in the way she expresses herself. I would like her to initiate conversations around feelings, and or core issues around location and our future.
> 
> I've also talked to her about the lack of affection in our marriage. She's always been slightly withdrawn....it feels awkard.
> I'd like more random hugs and more eye contact. It's better than it was, but this can drive me mad at times.





> Lack of intimacy....well, partially a sex issue, but sometimes literally just a feeling of connectedness. Conversations around feelings, wants and needs....yes, I tend to be a rare breed in men when it comes to this... I'm not effeminate at all, it's just how I role. A lover and a fighter. lol


As for the quotes above, the issue, why does she have to grow in the way she expresses herself? It sounds like this is something that you want, not necessarily something that she needs. 

I am not saying that some of the stuff you want is unreasonable, but at the same time you may be asking your W to be someone she is not. I am not one who wants to sit down and talk about my emotions, feelings, needs, etc... it is not part of my personality, it is not something I need. If my W insisted I do this, it would be nothing more than forced at best. On the other side, since my wife needs to be more expressive, I encourage her to be that way with me and I always listen.

Overall, it sounds like you have a great marriage. Just keep doing your best to keep the lines of communication open.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Does she know you are willing to leave over this?


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## ryan2022 (May 2, 2016)

Thanks for the replies.

It's been great having a few different viewpoints.

The above post made me think a lot about us. It's true that I've been really beating the dead horse (I have nothing against horses btw)
and lingering on this.

I think her true feelings on the subject on location might be somewhere in between where she says she is right now and where I am.

I think I need to mellow out!

I wonder if its just ego talking (I don't have a big ego) when I say there isn't anything here and I'd leave if things didn't improve. I've become hyper critical about our relationship because its been a huge focus....too much time on my hands right now with the layoff.

Things may very well change, and I'll try a very different and kinder approach to improve the communication....and I'm going to practise on non-Alberta related subjects.

Thanks again for the help. It's been good for clarity. Much appreciated.


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