# If you love them, let them go?



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening.
This is NOT about me btw:

Imagine that you learned that your wife / husband had fallen in love with someone else, and that you honestly believed that they would be happier with that other person.

Would you let them go, or would you try to keep them from leaving in any legal way you could?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

"for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

One of the things that I have come to realize by reading so many of the posts in the various sections of TAM, is that few of us here (myself included) ever truly accept and embrace this whole idea. We are all so much better off experiencing a love freely given than one forced by vows, commitment and/or law.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Absolutely would not try to hang onto him. How controlling. Sounds like a recipe for unhappiness, and the perfect way to become his mother. Totally unappealing.

I can't see Dug giving me up, though. I don't think he believes it is possible for me to be as happy with anyone else as I am with him. He would be very clearly pointing that out to me. And he would be having a very clear talk with that other man, too.

Like my sister told me once, early on in our relationship, "You would be a fool to ever leave Dug."


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

She can GTFO and I'll make the process real fast for her; I won't even give her time for second thoughts. I will never allow myself to be a second choice and her happiness would be the least of my concerns.

Now don't get me wrong, I would fight like hell to keep her (legal or illegal) as long as no physical boundaries have been crossed, but once that relationship with the OM becomes physical, she's gone.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I would gladly send her on her way. Honestly could care less if she would be happier with the other guy or not. My marriage is not meant to be a competition with other men.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I spent years trying to hang on to him no matter what and to "fight" for his love against the OW but it did nothing. If I knew then what I know now, I should have "let him go." My ulcer would have appreciated it!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We'd let each other go. We are together only because we choose to be, not because we have to be or are forced to be. If either of us find someone truly better for us, we feel we should go for it.

The upside of this attitude is that we never take each other for granted, and perhaps that's part of why our relationship is so incredibly good.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It is just another version of the Golden Rule.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I would hand her those $400 boots she bought and tell her to 'get walking'....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Why subject oneself to holding onto mutual unhappiness by attempting to prevent their exit from the the original relationship?

As far as I'm concerned, if they want to be in the arms of another lout who can offer her more money or even more inches, then that's where they preeminently need to be!

Given that, the last image of them that I would ever want to see is of their a$$ walking off away from me ~ and the last image they should ever have of me should be from their rear-view mirror! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You can't negotiate attraction. She doesn't want to be with you? Great. Thank you for telling me now and not 20 years from now. She's given you a gift. It sucks, but you let her go, turn the page and move on. You have your dignity and self-respect still with you, as well.

All of the positive stuff goes right out the window when you try to hold on and convince them to stay. It doesn't benefit anyone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I answered a similar question days ago...it was more asking about "staying for the children"... feeling trapped in a loveless marriage... 

" If something had all the signs of hopelessness.. after many years, and *if* there was another woman, I couldn't live with that.. I'd need him out of my sight.... Leave & don't let the door hit you in the a**.....

I have very strong feelings about unrequited love....I would spit on it...







.. just the thought of someone staying who didn't love me, want me, and was happy to be with me , while their heart pined to be with another....it's highly repulsive to me .. I would *recoil* from it...I would insist they leave so we both could find happiness elsewhere.."


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## rkv1424 (Nov 2, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening.
> This is NOT about me btw:
> 
> Imagine that you learned that your wife / husband had fallen in love with someone else, and that you honestly believed that they would be happier with that other person.
> ...


It would be difficult, but I would let the other person go. I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to give my love out to someone who doesn't love me. Easier said than done, I know. I have had this outlook from a fairly young age. "... Love is not jealous.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
do the actual physical boundaries matter, or would it be enough (to let her go) if she had a serious desire (not just a fleeting infatuation) for the other person?




The Middleman said:


> She can GTFO and I'll make the process real fast for her; I won't even give her time for second thoughts. I will never allow myself to be a second choice and her happiness would be the least of my concerns.
> 
> Now don't get me wrong, I would fight like hell to keep her (legal or illegal) as long as no physical boundaries have been crossed, but once that relationship with the OM becomes physical, she's gone.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Absolutely. Less about love them to let them go as let them go because I don't want love as a competition. If you don't want to be with me its all good just let me know and we will part ways.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

whenever i have decided to "let them go" it has always been a permanent decision. 
it is not one that i make lightly or hastily. but it has always been permanent.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I did go thru this and as bad as it hurt me to realize my husband no longer loved me, I could see that he really loved the woman he was having an affair with. I knew that as long as he loved her and wanted to be with her he would not want anything to do with me. His heart was with he. I let him go, no regrets.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *Why subject oneself to holding onto mutual unhappiness by attempting to prevent their exit from the the original relationship?
> 
> As far as I'm concerned, if they want to be in the arms of another lout who can offer her more money or even more inches, then that's where they preeminently need to be!
> 
> ...


Arbitrator ~
You crack me up !!!:rofl:
VH


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## Bam-bam (Sep 24, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening.
> This is NOT about me btw:
> 
> Imagine that you learned that your wife / husband had fallen in love with someone else, and that you honestly believed that they would be happier with that other person.
> ...


My answer depends heavily on my feelings toward my wife at the time that I would find out that she had developed feelings for another. Right now, my feelings towards my wife are not very strong. I'm actually in the middle of figuring out if I should stay or leave my marriage. So, oddly enough, if I found out my wife had feelings for another this very day, I'd kind of be relieved. I'd realize that I wasn't the only one that wasn't happy and I could feel able to let her go and let myself go as well.

It's hard for me to answer with the idea of me feeling like losing the marriage was going to be devasating to me. I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I really didn't want to lose her, but it's difficult because that's not how I currently feel. I imagine in that situation, that I would be extremely hurt and sad, but ultimately, I want to be with someone that wants to be with me. Keeping someone around against their will would seem like a very hollow victory to me. It would actually be quite pointless, really. I think I would try to help her come around and gain feelings for me again, but if it were clearly not going to happen, then I would very reluctantly let her go. I would probably feel an immense amount of pain and sadness by doing so, but it would be better than staying with someone and feeling unloved by them ... or undesired. At least that's how I imagine it would play out for me in that situation. Of course, I'm just speculating and who knows how I would truly react.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I really wish you would just divorce, bam bam. 

End t/j. Back to Richard's question.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

jld said:


> I really wish you would just divorce, bam bam.
> 
> End t/j. Back to Richard's question.



JLD ~
I don't want to TJ either but Bam Bam's post broke my heart!
VH


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> do the actual physical boundaries matter, or would it be enough (to let her go) if she had a serious desire (not just a fleeting infatuation) for the other person?


You know ... that's a real good question and I wish I had a real good answer, but I don't. I think in both cases I would do some very serious c0ck blocking until the restraining orders go flying. If it's just an infatuation and I'm not killing my self to end it, I might do what it takes to "right the ship". Read this post of mine on another thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/296722-wife-contact-ex.html#post13913554

Now if she was in love with him, but hasn't taken it physical, I'd do my best to jolt her out of it, including exposure to the kids and family. However, if she doesn't come out of the fog (I hate that term) relatively quickly, I'm out. I AM NO ONE'S SECOND CHOICE. And I don't believe in that "she chose you" bullsh1t that many here say when they are trying to convince men to feel better about their reconciliations. The only time she get's to choose is when I ask her to marry me, after that, it's a contract.

If she crosses the physical line, I will never see or speak to her again. At that point she is filthy to me and I could never be with her again. I've sacrificed a lot for most of my life to do the right thing by my family. If that kind of betrayal happens, I'm done doing the right thing. I'm one of those guys who will offshore as much cash as I can, quit my job, expose her and disappear. I won't even give her he satisfaction of filing, I'll just go and enjoy the money until it's gone (which may take a while).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening.
> This is NOT about me btw:
> 
> Imagine that you learned that your wife / husband had fallen in love with someone else, and that you honestly believed that they would be happier with that other person.
> ...


There is no one better for my wife than me.

If my wife cheated on me with an EA, which seems to be illustrated here, she would find herself dumped and divorced with superhuman rapidity.

If I was of a bent to keep her anyway, I would decimate the OM with a ruthlessness that would soon have him regretting ever being conceived.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife is using our daughter to keep me around. She has absolutely no romantic love for me, but she is still financial dependent on me. So her solution was/is to let me develop friendships with women. So, I have developed a few female friends. Nothing has progressed to more than friends. I enjoy their company. Most are divorced and I think if I was divorced, there could be a chance. IDK. They are good girls or seem to be. I don't want to do the open marriage thing which my wife thinks I could do. It's not fair for anybody. Believe it or no, I have some integrity left in my heart.

I wish my wife and I could work out a peaceful solution which financially works for all of us. I wish she could let me go.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there is a school of thought that would say fight for your marriage to the bitter 
end with the hope that your spouse will come to their senses.
most affairs of the heart or otherwise are due to immaturity, selfishness and/or narcissism.
so, if that is true, then there is a chance that fighting in the right manner will jar them into reality, or
their fog of 'love' will eventually lift.
i suppose there are many instances where this has worked. probably most of the time not.

as for me, i don't and never wanted someone who doesn't want me.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> there is a school of thought that would say fight for your marriage to the bitter
> end with the hope that your spouse will come to their senses.
> most affairs of the heart or otherwise are due to immaturity, selfishness and/or narcissism.
> so, if that is true, then there is a chance that fighting in the right manner will jar them into reality, or
> ...


Exactly. Also, let's say you knock some common sense into your spouse. Will you not spend the rest of your marriage wondering when she/he will meet the next person to fall in love with, go through this all over again.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have to say, I am surprised not to hear that more men are willing to fight for their marriages.

Not that that is a bad thing.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Personal said:


> When my first wife cheated on me with another man and I found out about it, I very quickly ended our relationship so I let her go.
> 
> Likewise having experienced what is mentioned above, if my wife falls in love with someone else today I would let her go.
> 
> ...


I agree, let them go, their loss!!!! DUDE


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jld said:


> I have to say, I am surprised not to hear that more men are willing to fight for their marriages.
> 
> Not that that is a bad thing.


It is just a different kind of fight. It is one thing to fight for your marriage because you have differences/issues such as housework, finances, family, etc... In the OPs situation, the SO has chosen someone else over you. At that point I see nothing worth fighting for.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

If it had gone physical I would be so utterly shocked and devastated that I'd let him go. Trying to keep him while he's in love with another woman would just be too painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

The OP is a romanticized version of a common scenario. 

The spouse that has fallen for another rarely admits to loving someone else - in fact they deny and try to make you feel crazy for even thinking they could do such a thing. 

This makes you think that you need to fight because you think you are fighting together. 

This is the evil of infidelity. 

Yes, if my spouse/partner came to me with humility, respect and compassion and admitted to loving another I would let her go. 

If she lies and gaslights it won't be pretty because that's the situation she has created.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Exactly. Also, let's say you knock some common sense into your spouse. Will you not spend the rest of your marriage wondering when she/he will meet the next person to fall in love with, go through this all over again.


ABSOLUTELY

in rare cases maybe not, but in the vast majority, once they fall out of love with you and another it's toast. means to me, they don't even understand the true, universal concept of love.

that's assuming you have not given them valid reason to leave you, but again we're talking about affairs of the heart that are acted upon.


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