# Game over - I lose



## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

My old thread no longer seems appropriate for my new post. She has been having an affair. Since I could not get any answers about anything from her, I installed key logger software on my compter. Turns out, she has been carring on an affair through Facebook, sending messages calling the OM "lover, I love you handsome" sending him poetry and meeting him after she gets out of work.

I confronted her last night, and gave her one last chance to come clean. She didn't, so I showed her all the screen grabs of the messages she sent. She said that its been going on since October, that she really does not love me, she loves him and cares about him more than me. She also said she doesn't see any reason to try and work things out, that she wants to be with him. She said its been strictlly emotional, but I have a hard time believing that. Although it killed me to do it, I told her that she needed to get out. She had betrayed me, our friends, and our family. She broke our vows, and I didn't want to see her or speak to her. I also said I would have the seperation papers signed and waiting her for her the next time she needed to pick anything up. Not sure if I am quite ready to follow through on that, but I do not want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how damaging this is on me. I've done well in my eyes, and have not allowed her to see me break down.

As devastated as I am by all this, I am really angry. The fact that she has been sneaking around behind my back for months now, lying right to my face whenever I asked if somethng was going on, is like a kick to the gut. And that a few of her friends knew about it, and even saw us out together, and never told me. I have always had a good relationship with her parents, so I called her father last night just to thank him for all that they have done for us, for taking me into the family, and to let them know that I love them and have enough respect for them to let them know what was truly going on, and that I hope we can remain friends no matter how messy the divorce gets. Turns out he was completely in the dark about the entire situation. He thanked me for calling, and said he has a lot of respect for me, that I stood by and did more than most guys in my situation would have.

The OM is an ex bofriend from about 10 years ago that is still in the area, which ironically enough, she had cheated on and left. As far as I can tell, the only thing he has to offer her is the fact that he is in a band, so she has been going out the see him play, and she loves music. She is the self-proclaimed kareokee queen, and as I see it, this is her chance to be in the spotlight and be on stage. I guess the fact that my family owns a recording studio was lost on her. I knew that the guy was still crazy about her, but she always told me how much of a loser he was and she didn't want that. The fact that its been going on since October doesn't give me much hope that this is just a temporary fling...I feel like the the only reason she stayed here was so she could have her cake and eat it to. She flat out told me she loves him more than me, cares for him more than me, and wants to be with him. So now I can't help feeling down on myself. I know she has done a terrible thing to me, and everyone I've talked to agrees that it's not my fault, that I gave her more than I should of, but it still hurts. Bad.

Oh, and her excuse for not telling me-she didn't want to hurt me anymore than she had. Really freaking thoughtful. 

The situation is a mess, and I feel like a complete idiot. My trust was used against me. The fact that she celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family, acted like nothing was wrong, and even talked about having kids with my mom while she was seeing the OM makes me ill. I never thought that she could be so manipulative. She always made such a big deal about how honest and open she is. 

Right now, I see no hope of reconcilation. I doubt she will miss me, and she already told me that she has no feelings left for me. She's probably already moving into his home. The thought of her running to someone else, having someone to tell her that she is loved, to hold her at night...its to much to handle. Its like I have nothing left, and she walks away winning. I'm stuck here, alone, and wondering. Why did she keep me here for so long? How could she betray me like this? I misinterpreted everything, thought she wanted me around to work on things. She just wanted me to pay her bills and rent so she could go out and have fun the OM. I feel like such a chump.

I got mad at myself for taking all the blame in this situation. I sat down and intended on writing a small list of reasons I needed to remember why I should be mad at her, and that this is not my fault. I ended up with 150. I could have kept going. That was an eye opener. When I tried to think of reasons why I loved her and needed her in my life, I couldn't think of more than 5 at most. I emailed the list to my phone, so when I start to get emotional or feel like I miss her, I can refer to the list.

At this point, I am sick of trying. I gave my all to her, and she took total advantage of me. And the fact that she has caused me to feel this way about myself, questioning my self worth, is infuriating. I wish that it hadn't come down to this, to the point I had to tell her to leave. But trying to live her as her friend, especially now knowing that she is having an affair, would just be torture on me. I miss her so much, and want to just see her and talk to her again. But I can't, and I won't. I told myself, and her, that if I found out that there was an OM it would be a deal breaker. The fact that I had to snoop to get the answers should be reason enough for me to be through with her. Why would I want to reconcile with someone that could do all this to me? I hate myself for missing her so much, and the fact that I still have hope. I don't think I want hope anymore, I just want to get on with my life. 

I told her I didn't want to see her or hear from her until we were in divorce court. Part of me truly feels that way, the other part is screaming at me for doing that. My friends and family keep telling me that I did the right thing, that I tried and gave to much to her. If its the right thing, than why does it feel so terrible?

My first goal is to find a new apartment. This place has to many memories, and I cannot turn without something reminding me of her. And her perfume, that I bought her because it drives me mad, has permeated everything. I can't sleep at night because all I can smell is her, and it reminds me of what I lost.

Usually posting makes me feel better...this one isn't. I'm crying like a baby now, and hate myself for it. I hoped that I would be starting this new thread under the reconciled section...instead it looks like I'm going to soon be closing this chapter of my life, against my will.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Game over - I lose 

or DID you?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Cgreene21,

I agree with 63Vino -- did you lose? Don't forget the 150+ reasons you came up with. She was eating her cake before you kicked her out. Remember what she said about that guy -- he's a loser. Right now she is in la,la land -- especially since you were paying her way -- reality will set in. 

I applaud your standing up to her and following through on your boundary. You've done a great service to your self-worth on that one. 

Now just focus on you like getting that new apartment. I know it is tough, but you must. Good luck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I acknowledge that every circumstance is unique to the individual. It is just tragic that the circumstances involve very similar behaviors; deception, lying, and generally dismantling and denying every thing that had been good - in an effort to justify their choice of infidelity. 

It is both tragic, and infuriating that the behavior a cheater uses is textbook. Universally, the depth of betrayal and the extent to deny, obfuscate, and manipulate their partners sense of trust is sickening. 

You handled it well. The stronger you remain to protecting your own interests and self esteem throughout all of this, the more you will take the gloss off the little fantasy world of denial that she chose to betray you over.

Cry as much as you need to. Equally, know when you need to have your game face on.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

You are better without her. Give her a lesson. She is playing you. Get out of this relationship now that are not kids involved. Good luck!


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## boarderwayne (Feb 14, 2010)

Very sorry to hear what's happening to you, I applaud you for being able to stand your ground and telling her to leave. I know it's hard as hell to accept all this but the fact that your able to put your foot down and take charge of the situation says alot about you, I wish I had the strength to do that right now. I don't have alot of advice right now, still figuring it all out myself, just know your not alone, especially around here. 


> I got mad at myself for taking all the blame in this situation. I sat down and intended on writing a small list of reasons I needed to remember why I should be mad at her, and that this is not my fault. I ended up with 150. I could have kept going. That was an eye opener. When I tried to think of reasons why I loved her and needed her in my life, I couldn't think of more than 5 at most. I emailed the list to my phone, so when I start to get emotional or feel like I miss her, I can refer to the list.


This is a good idea, I'll have to try that myself. Something tells me it will be similar to yours with a whole lot of bads and only a few goods but that should help with moving on. Again sorry for the way she's treated you but you are doing a good job taking charge of the situation and standing your ground.


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## IHopeToForget (Mar 2, 2010)

Cgreene21- Holy crap!!! I'm basically in the same boat you are, My grammar just isn't as good as yours =P... I feel exactly what you feel. My Wife is in the Air Force. We were arguing a lot so I decided to drive a few states over to where my family lives. After a few days of venting, I decided to drive back to work things out.. Well while I was gone for just those few days, I got a hold of her phone and she has been calling and texting this one specific phone number I have never seen before. I find out that it's another man who is married! I did the exact same thing you did with the Keylogger. I found out she was talking to more men I have never met before off Facebook. She even told me to my face she is not that type of woman. She also told me she is done and this is the last straw and I need to move on with my life and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts SOOOO much to think about her being with another man (sleeping together). 

Even though she has done all these things to me I can't get it through my head and still, I think that we won't go through this divorce and be faithful to eachother again.

I hope this make sense. Sorry my grammar is horrible!


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Don't realy know what I could add to all those posts other than "present".......keep strong.


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Cgreene21 said:


> The situation is a mess, and I feel like a complete idiot. My trust was used against me. The fact that she celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family, acted like nothing was wrong, and even talked about having kids with my mom while she was seeing the OM makes me ill. I never thought that she could be so manipulative. She always made such a big deal about how honest and open she is.


wow, does that situation sound familiar to me. This is probably something you've heard from friends but it's time to work on you. Go enjoy life and what is has to offer because you only get one shot at this thing and it's not worth it to waste your time, energy, and feelings on someone who isn't willing to do the same thing for you. We can all tell you anything we want and maybe some of it will make you feel better, but nothing will work until you can realize that you need to move on for yourself; not your family, friends, or even her; but for yourself. 
Throw out that perfume and anything else that brings you to a negative place...hell, burn that junk if it'll make you feel better, and if there's something that makes you smile or keeps you in a good place then maybe just keep that or smile as you throw it in the fire. The key thing to do is find something for you or a feeling that can get you started out positively because you can't live in the past and you can't live in the future...all you can do is live in the moment you're in now and do your best to make that moment a good one...for yourself.
wow that kinda felt good lol
:smthumbup:


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I feel for you man.....but look on the bright side. You could've had her celebrating Christmas with the OM in your house and with your children. That's what happened to me. I also found out my stb-x was having an affair since Oct - only I found out in Nov and went thru the same process as you did. You will see shorty that this is for the best. Hang in there and keep posting.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thank you for the kind words and reponses. I wish there weren't so many others in the same situation as me, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. But please continue to share with me, I just hope that my situation will help someone else out there from being played as I have as much as your stories are helping me.

I'm still processing and digesting the entire situation. Although an interesting thing did happen, which really is sort of off topic...An old college friend of mine contacted me out of the blue this morning. I haven't really talked to him in 3 years or so, so it was kind of interesting to see how in my time of need, friends seem to just appear. lol. Guess we are going to go do some ice fishing this weekend, something I also haven't done in years. Actually find my self looking forward to it, its good to know I can still find a few moments of happyness.

I took a personal day from work, wasn't really in the frame of mind to try and focus on anything. Didn't hear anything from the W at all today, which both was a relief and a curse. Even though we have been emotionally seperated since the end of January, we still talked and spent time with each other pretty much everyday. Of course that was still when I was blissfully unaware of the situation at hand. 

As angry and hurt as I am, I still miss having her around. In a way, I am glad that we did have a nice few moments together over the last month. My friends all told me I was stupid for staying as long as I did, and I did agree, but I always answered them with "I am just trying to enjoy what little time I have left with her." But enough with the sentimental BS, I'm sick of being sad.

The urge for revenge has begun to spring into my constantly shifting emotions. I keep wondering if the OM has a significant other, since he does have a child and the affair has been very secretive. But I know its wrong of me to do so. I also breifly entertained the idea of changing her Facebook status update to "Been having an affair on my husband for the last 6 months." and changing her password. Again, not right. But it does make me chuckle a bit to think about it! But I am trying not to do anything to rash, she isn't acting like herself, and I would like to leave with at least half of my wordly possesions! :rofl:

The list has been a nice tool in helping me come to terms. When I start to doubt myself, I focus on just one item on the list. If I keep it to one a day, I should be covered for at least another 6 months! I do recommed trying it out, once you realize that at one point in time, this person made you feel all these different ways, its a bit easier to see through the pain. And you can almost see a pattern. My list only covered what I could recall over the last 8 years, and its grown past its 150 mark now, I wonder what made me stick around as long as I did. 

`For the moment, I'm not sure what I feel. I'm not really happy, nor am I sad. I'm sort of just numb and content. I'm feeling a bit better with myself and not questioning what I did as much. Although its only been 2 days since I found out about the affair, I'm surprised at how well I am actually handling the situation. Its hurts like mad at times, other times I find myself suddenly tearing up. But I'm still doing ok. I definitly will miss her, but I surely don't need her.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> My old thread no longer seems appropriate for my new post. She has been having an affair. Since I could not get any answers about anything from her, I installed key logger software on my compter. Turns out, she has been carring on an affair through Facebook, sending messages calling the OM "lover, I love you handsome" sending him poetry and meeting him after she gets out of work.
> 
> I confronted her last night, and gave her one last chance to come clean. She didn't, so I showed her all the screen grabs of the messages she sent. She said that its been going on since October, that she really does not love me, she loves him and cares about him more than me. She also said she doesn't see any reason to try and work things out, that she wants to be with him. She said its been strictlly emotional, but I have a hard time believing that. Although it killed me to do it, I told her that she needed to get out. She had betrayed me, our friends, and our family. She broke our vows, and I didn't want to see her or speak to her. I also said I would have the seperation papers signed and waiting her for her the next time she needed to pick anything up. Not sure if I am quite ready to follow through on that, but I do not want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how damaging this is on me. I've done well in my eyes, and have not allowed her to see me break down.
> 
> ...


I think so far the way u have handled it is simply amazing . Be strong , let her know that the only time u might ever speak to her will be in the court because u r simply disgusted by her deciet & lack of morals . 
Believe me for u things will only get better from now .
BEST OF LUCK


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## SurrealPain (Feb 26, 2010)

Sometimes, people, say that they "know how you're feeling", not ever having gone through the same pain, that you have. i understand that, they are being sympathetic, and they caring to your pain. At least, here, we are all victims of the same injury, and when we say "know how you're feeling", man, we know!! . . we know soo very painfully well . . it's the most pain that your soul and mind and spirit, has to deal with, opposed to physical injury. i think, i can deal with physical pain, better than this mental anguish. i also want to know, how long is this pain going to last, . .and nobody knows, but it sure tears up everything inside, . . . . i've never felt this helpless and pathetic in my life. i also pray to GOD, that all of us, aching in pain, over this, will find healing soon. i pray for all of you, that your hearts and minds be healed from this pain. we will be strong, and we will be survivors, and we will be happy again!!! i believe that, and we will have someone to love, and be loved again! . . we will, . .we must believe that . . we will be happy again!! all of us, who are suffering , and crying now . . .be strong and find hope, for there is hope! . .for happiness and a bright future!! i love you all . . . for sharing your lives, your testimonies helps me make it through each day . . my hurt is fresh, . .but you are helping me . . . thank you . .


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry CG. just to add to the other's comments, sounds like if you have 150 reasons, thats 149 too many. The whole idea that she is talking about having kids to your Mom is revolting. Run and run fast, if you stay you are in for years or even decades of heart break. Get out before you really do have kids with her.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> I think so far the way u have handled it is simply amazing . Be strong , let her know that the only time u might ever speak to her will be in the court because u r simply disgusted by her deciet & lack of morals .
> Believe me for u things will only get better from now .
> BEST OF LUCK


Sometimes it doesn't feel that way at all. Today is one of those days. It took a lot just to want to get out of bed and start my day. I think this morning was the first time that the reality of my situation sunk in, and I know I have a lot more days like this ahead of me. I felt pretty good yesterday, today I feel just horrible.

The stbx did text message me about needing to stop by the apartment last night to pick some stuff up. I simply said I wouldn't be there. A few minutes later she texted me the details of a recent Doctor's appointment. I didn't respond, because frankly, at that moment, I didn't care. I was quite proud of myself. And apparently she didn't take that whole "Do not contact me" statement I made to her seriously.

I ended up getting about 7 or 8 in total. The first was about wanting to know where I would be staying tonight. I didn't answer, its none of her business. 5 minutes later she followed it with a "Well, I wanted to come back and do bills and laundry, but I won't be here untill after 7 if you need anything." Again, I didn't answer. The next one seemed like she was getting angry with me, and the last she sent explained what her work schedule was. I simply replied that I'd be out by 7 if I could be. I don't want to give her the impression that I won't be there at all, incase she feels like the OM should stop over.

I'd like to think that maybe I'm getting under her skin, maybe she misses me a little. But I know its mostly wishful thinking. I keep having moments were I really think that she'll be back, that all of this is just a really bad dream. I know I don't need her, nor should I even want her. And I wonder if its really her that I miss, or if its just her memory I miss. Maybe its just because I'm feeling so lonely and rejected. Maybe its because she's been my world for the last 8 years. I don't really know right now, all I know is that it hurts. And right now I hurt more because she is gone than from the affair.

How do we do it? Where do we find the strength to keep going? I guess if I had to sum up what I am feeling today, I'd say a lot of hurt and bitterness. I'm hurting from my loss, and her betrayal, and just missing her. I'm bitter because I know she isn't in any pain, that she is happy, and she still has someone to turn to, to hold her, to love her...and just how completely unfair the entire situation is.

Today I am trying to focus on the fact that she invited me back into her life in August after our first seperation with the promise of a fresh start. I took her for her word, and tried so hard to make things right. I now realize that the reason it failed was because she wasn't putting forth 100%. Her attention was divided between me and the OM, and I was only getting 5% if that. At least I can stop blaming myself there.

Here's to hoping I find something worth smiling about today.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Ok, so I am feeling pretty good today. My depression seems to be giving way to anger, which is an emotion I can deal with.

The W doesn't seem to be taking my boundries very seriously, and I'm not sure what I should think...I hate speculating, and it seems that all my interpretations seem to be wrong lately, so I'm hoping someone here might have an idea.

As I stated before, when I learned of the affair I told the W that I did not want to hear from her or see her unless it had to do with the divorce or her using the apartment. (Still sharing a lease, hopefully be out April 1st if all goes my way. If she's there, I'm not and vice versa)

In my last post I started ranting about the 7 or 8 she had sent me. Well, as I was getting rdy to leave the apartment last night, I tossed a bottle of cologne in my gym bag, which smashed against my beard trimmer, which than leaked all over the living room couch, pillow, blankets, etc. Trying to avoid a scene later, I sent a quick message saying I broke a bottle of cologne and cleaned it up as best as I could. Sorry. She replied "Thanks for the warning. I'll just have to hold my breath all night "

I think the smiley set me off. Why in God's name would you even attempt to be nice to me at this point? Then she found it necessary to message me again this afternoon, telling me she'd be out of the apartment until sunday, if that was ok. In my mind, we had already gone over it...in fact, she had explained it to me in detail. Why bother telling me again?

Sorry, I just needed to blow off a little steam. Its probably nothing, but its bugging me.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> Ok, so I am feeling pretty good today. My depression seems to be giving way to anger, which is an emotion I can deal with.
> 
> The W doesn't seem to be taking my boundries very seriously, and I'm not sure what I should think...I hate speculating, and it seems that all my interpretations seem to be wrong lately, so I'm hoping someone here might have an idea.
> 
> ...


u r doing what exactly is needed , yes keep urself as detached as possible from her . Now weather she comes back or not She's definately trying to " lets remain good friends " crap so that her actions doesn't look that horrible , but u have to show that after the pain she has caused u , just looking at her face is torture for u . She needs to see that u r distancing urself from her because she is still playing games & hurting u .But at the same time dont ever show even a slightest desire to get her back . She needs to see that u r moving on from a cheater. I think doing NC is a must now.
And seriously get rid of her .

best of luck


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cgreene21~

I'm mildly confused about your living arrangements. Are you living in the apartment and she's "living elsewhere" but occasionally comes back to get things? Or do you both live there and try to coordinate so you're not there at the same time? This arrangement just makes no sense to me!

Okay let's make this more simple. She can live WITH YOU as your wife, or she can live elsewhere and never enter your dwelling again. This "in and out" is helping to perpetuate things. So if she wants something at the apartment, she can ask you for it, you will box it up and leave it outside the locked door. Period. If she wants more access, she can make the choice to do what needs to be done to have access. This is silly. 

And if you are absolutely determined to say "Well, until April we are both on the lease so I can't say no... " (which is malarkey but ) stop with the texting and say "From 7-9pm every night I will leave the apartment and you can come in. You must arrive after I've left and depart before I go. I will no longer accept any contact with you until you have decided to end all contact with the other man and allow me to verify that fact." Then she'll have no more excuses for contacting you. 

See, cgreene21, right now even by contacting you a little bit, you're letting her use you and letting her have a very little bit of her love kindlers met by you. It may not be a lot but there is that safety net and she knows she can string you along. If you say "no more" and enforce it she'll know that you'll stand up for yourself and won't be treated like this. Now she may get mad but oh well!


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Affaircare~

I guess I should clarify the living arrangments. And yes, it is very silly. The situation is that we are both on the lease, which does not end until June 1st. April 1st was my personal target date to try and find a new apartment. Currently, we both "share" the apartment, and try too coordinate it so we are not here at the same time. My understandment of the situation is that, since she violated our marriage contract, that I have every right to leave. I just have no place to yet call home. There is the option of moving back to my parents for a time until I can find a new apartment. I don't believe I can legally force her to leave. Maybe (even hopefully?) I am wrong. 

I want nothing more than to be free of this mess, but I almost feel like my hands are tied. As you can probably tell from the way I carry on, I really have absolutely no idea what I am doing.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> u r doing what exactly is needed , yes keep urself as detached as possible from her . Now weather she comes back or not She's definately trying to " lets remain good friends " crap so that her actions doesn't look that horrible , but u have to show that after the pain she has caused u , just looking at her face is torture for u . She needs to see that u r distancing urself from her because she is still playing games & hurting u .But at the same time dont ever show even a slightest desire to get her back . She needs to see that u r moving on from a cheater. I think doing NC is a must now.
> And seriously get rid of her .
> 
> best of luck


:rofl: that last line cracked me up. Thanks, I needed that. And I know that you are right, she's been playing the "let's be friends and rebuild from that" line on me all along. And if I face the facts, what she did was just cruel. I just don't understand why I can't seem to let go. Up until now, I felt that I was standing up for myself, but I'm starting to see how I am still being manipulated.

This whole love thing sure is complicated.:scratchhead:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay cgreene21--I'm no lawyer so this is NOT legal advice. Understand that? 

However I'm not a kid and I've been around the block a time or two. Usually on a lease that is for a fixed amount of time (like a year) there is some clause about how to notify the landlord if you want to terminate the lease. There can be info in there even about what to do if one leaves...how to do it early...etc. But I wouldn't count on that  

Using some common sense I'd say talk to the landlord and explain to them what's going on. Maybe they have a way to let you off the lease or let her off... or end the whole darn thing in April (let her figure out where to live). If not I do highly suggest something like: "You can have the apartment 7pm to 9pm, I'm here after 9pm and I don't want contact about other times. Period."


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Affaircare~

Thank you for the advice. I contacted my landlord this morning and told him of my situation, and he was not very sympathetic. He basically said he needs a months notice and wanted 50% of the rent for the next two months up front. I even offered to let him keep my security deposit, and that was a no go. When it rains, it pours.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I need some advice regarding seperation paper, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

Should I get them and present them to her, or do I wait and see if she does it? I honestly thought that I would have them in front of me by now, but it seems like we both have been coming up with excuses as to why we haven't got them yet. She is the one that wants the divorce in the first place, yet I'm the one that ended up getting screwed over in the end. 

As much as I should/ need to end this madness, I can't seem to bring myself to do it.

Should I just force myself to go and get them, or should I wait it out?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> :rofl: that last line cracked me up. Thanks, I needed that. And I know that you are right, she's been playing the "let's be friends and rebuild from that" line on me all along. And if I face the facts, what she did was just cruel. I just don't understand why I can't seem to let go. Up until now, I felt that I was standing up for myself, but I'm starting to see how I am still being manipulated.
> 
> This whole love thing sure is complicated.:scratchhead:


*
she's been playing the "let's be friends and rebuild from that" line on me all along.......... *

rebuild from that ? I amn't sure I understand that line .


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> *
> she's been playing the "let's be friends and rebuild from that" line on me all along.......... *
> 
> rebuild from that ? I amn't sure I understand that line .


I was never to keen on it, nor did I fully understand it myself. I thought that she wanted to step back and try to rebuild or relationship from the ground up. Our all around relationship pretty much crumbled, and I was trying to piece it back together. Guess I never really considered the fact that she would ever be unfaithful, and that it was all a ruse to keep me waiting in the wings, whether to be there for emotional or financial support.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> Affaircare~
> 
> Thank you for the advice. I contacted my landlord this morning and told him of my situation, and he was not very sympathetic. He basically said he needs a months notice and wanted 50% of the rent for the next two months up front. I even offered to let him keep my security deposit, and that was a no go. When it rains, it pours.


Cgreene bear in mind that the lease is a legal contract. If the lease says a month's notice (or 30 days), then by or before May 1st you need to notify the landlord of your intent to move. You must follow the lease. 

Also if the lease says when your rent is due that's when your rent is due. The landlord can not require "50% for the next two months up front" out of the blue. The landlord has to follow the lease too. So before you send in 50% up front please do ask them to show you the part in the lease that requires such an up front payment. If it's in there--that's the contract. If it's not, then you can pay the lease timely like you've always done. AND if they try to kick you out for not doing it up front, then a) you get out of the lease  and b) it will take a while but you could take them to court because you followed the lease and they didn't. 

So no worries--it's not as bad as it seems. Just before May 1st notify them, and before you send in 50% up front, ask them to show you where it says that in the lease.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> I need some advice regarding seperation paper, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.
> 
> Should I get them and present them to her, or do I wait and see if she does it? I honestly thought that I would have them in front of me by now, but it seems like we both have been coming up with excuses as to why we haven't got them yet. She is the one that wants the divorce in the first place, yet I'm the one that ended up getting screwed over in the end.
> 
> ...


A couple things Cgreene21. Since you are the loyal spouse, it is your duty to defend your "family" (that would be your wife and you) and defend any family assets from being basically plundered by a disloyal spouse. If you are being "screwed" you may want to file the separation papers just to protect yourself. Also legal separation can be a way to slow down the divorce process in some states...so that all a legal separation does is define who is responsible for what, who gets what, give some dates and deadlines, and its all written down and legal in the eyes of a court. Make sense? 

If she went nuts and completely charged up thousands on the credit card, if there's no legal separation they will come after you. If she stole items out of the house, you have no recourse. So if you think of it that way, what do you think? Do you need to protect yourself? 

If not, there's no rush. Let her do the dirty work AND pay for it


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks Affaircare, I appreciate the insight.

I'm starting to think that having the seperate bank accounts and credit cards may have been a blessing in disguise. I usually gave her money when I got paid, for the first time in years I deposited that money in my own bank account. She's done getting anything from me, I think I can handle paying my bills from here on out. I don't think I am ready to take that step, and I'll just have to wait and see if she is. I'm slowly beginning to realize how toxic to my life she truly was...but I still miss her.

Went to my first counseling session today. Part of me was really hoping that the stbx would be there...of course she was not. I guess that should tell me a lot. I think it went well, and I left feeling a bit better about myself and my situation as a whole. I came home and slept soundly for the first time in a month.

The stbx did contact me earlier through a text message asking if it was ok if she stayed at the apartment tomorrow. Of course I made her wait an hour before I answered her. I'm trying to decide if I should just stay here and tell her to her face that I will no longer need her to handle the my finances, to stop doing my laundry, to cease contact with me entirely, and that I am looking for an apartment and plan to move out as soon as possible. But I don't know if its the right time for me personally. I need to get to a spot where I won't melt and become weak when I see her. But so far, its been a week since I've seen her or spoke to her. Its been tough, this is the longest period of time we've been apart without any real communication. 

I also started reading "Hold onto your N.U.T.S." Its got some nice tips. Just seems a little to late to apply it to my situation, but I can see how it may benefit me later in life.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I feel like my day was ruined before it even started lol. Had a small party for the first time in a too long. I felt that I needed the social interaction, and being surrounded by my closest friends really helped to brighten my mood.

Than I woke up to a pile of texts from the stbx, asking if I would be at the apartment tonight, if I was going to feed the animals, if I had left her bill money, and if I had contacted the landlord about breaking the lease. Too much to process in 1 shot. Since I haven't seen or spoken to her, and texts really do not convey emotions at all, I find myself starting at them, trying to analze them. And I need to stop. I'm searcrching for signs of remorse, and I should know by now that I am not going to see any. I need to move past her, and accept the fact that she does not want me, and I do not need her.

And I apparently need to reenforce the boundries again. Who knew that a text message, even one without any real purpose, could hurt so much.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Here's a silly question, but its been bothering me.

Should I let the stbx continue to do my laundry? I usually do it, but when I came back to the apartment last week, not only had she done it, she had folded it and neatly put it away. I'm not sure what possesed her to do it, maybe guilt or just still trying to be friends with me. Regardless of the motive, should I let her do it, should I even consider doing hers, or should I just take care of mine and leave hers there?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> I feel like my day was ruined before it even started lol. Had a small party for the first time in a too long. I felt that I needed the social interaction, and being surrounded by my closest friends really helped to brighten my mood.
> 
> Than I woke up to a pile of texts from the stbx, asking if I would be at the apartment tonight, if I was going to feed the animals, if I had left her bill money, and if I had contacted the landlord about breaking the lease. Too much to process in 1 shot. Since I haven't seen or spoken to her, and texts really do not convey emotions at all, I find myself starting at them, trying to analze them. And I need to stop. I'm searcrching for signs of remorse, and I should know by now that I am not going to see any. I need to move past her, and accept the fact that she does not want me, and I do not need her.
> 
> And I apparently need to reenforce the boundries again. Who knew that a text message, even one without any real purpose, could hurt so much.


Now you can see why I suggested that you establish set times. If the rule is "I am out of the apartment from 9am to 5pm due to work and afterward to 8pm every weekday. All other times I am home" then she does not need to contact you. If her hours are nuts, that is HER problem not yours. She's always free to come and go at her leisure by returning the marriage! By choosing the other man, it is a natural consequence that she looses the ability to come and go as she pleases.




> ...if I was going to feed the animals, if I had left her bill money, and if I had contacted the landlord about breaking the lease...


All of those things are none of her business anymore. She left you. She left the animals when she picked someone other than her husband. You no longer finance her life, her lifestyle or her bills--any bills for the apartment you pay not her! And whether you contacted the landlord is between you and the landlord not her. If anything...that one is possibly MAYBE something to inform her if just to let her know where she stands legally but all the others don't even deserve a reply. 

See, cgreene21, she is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to have some of her love kindlers from the OM and some from you--like the way you care for the animals. Well, the consequence of her choice to leave is that she either takes them with her and cares for them herself or she relinquishes ANY SAY in their lives and yours. Make sense?


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## IHopeToForget (Mar 2, 2010)

AffairCare- Just letting you know, you are way off on the part of telling him. Finance and lifestyle are hers now. First off CG. You really really need to File for paperwork before she does, and if you don't have kids thats even better (less paperwork). Second off, If she you were married for more then a certain amount of time (depends on the state you live in) she is entitled to half, which is usually all of the 50 states pretty much. It also depends on if you have the bills in both your names. Hopefully you guys will just settle out of court and be civil about it. To be 100% honest. Being civil works out, but usually ends up in chaos. I am learning this from experience as of right now.

Maybe you haven't filed for paperwork yet, because you're still hoping she will change 100% around and be the perfect person you want her to be? I know I wish for it, even though I have gone too far to fix the problem already.

Best thing is instead of texting her back, text someone else. Texting back or responding already shows that you are inviting her in your life just a tad. Then again, it's hard that she comes in and out of the apartment as she pleases pretty much. I'm going through the same **** you are right now. It's so much easier to say then do! I even text back my wife or call her just to hear her.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

You both make really good points. Affaircare, I think I finally see the wisdom in just cutting all ties with her. I don't see her ever changing, and I can already see where her life is heading. It really kills me to know that she is going to continue down the path of self-destruction when all I ever wanted was to give her a better life and have a family.

Ihopetoforget, you also make some valid points. The part about " I'm going through the same **** you are right now. It's so much easier to say then do! I even text back my wife or call her just to hear her" really clicked with me. I guess I just am waiting for an apology that I know will never come. I haven't seen her or heard her voice in over a week. I miss her, but I have to remember what she did to me. She single handedly destroyed everything we worked to build. There's no way our relationship could ever be the same.

I think it really is time to step up and take care of this. The sooner the better. I really had hope before all of this, but I can't imagine myself ever being able to get over the betrayal. I never thought my marriage would fail...we both came from families were our parents stayed together. But her parents are very distant to each other, seldomly in the same room. Guess it rubbed off on her. Mine have always been very affectionate, guess I know where I got my views. 

So far the plan is to handle everything out of court. What we briefly discussed, I'm taking what I brought in, and she's taking what she brought in. The rest we'll split down the middle. I'm taking the animals. 

God, this really isn't much fun. Too many questions, not enough answers.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

So, one of my great friends felt it was a good time to rub some salt in the wounds and emailed me a screen shot of the stbx's Facebook page. Not even legally seperated yet and she's already changed her status to single and is setting up dates. Fantastic.

I'm getting the seperation papers Friday. This has dragged on long enough. Think its time to act on Affaircares advice and let her figure out what to do from her on out.

As for me, I'm done.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Not really sure what to say tonight. I feel good. I'm slightly happy. When I got home from work and stepped into the apartment, the usual wave of sadness didn't come over me. I'm relieved but sort of confused by my emotions right now. 

An interesting side note. I had mentioned in an earlier post how right after I learned about the A, an old college buddy contacted me. Well, as I was picking up some groceries earlier, I ran into a woman I knew in high school, and had quite the crush on for many ears, but never had the courage to ask out. We talked for about 45 minutes, and I told her a little about my situation. Turns out, she too had just ended a terrible relationship were her BF had cheated on her multiple times. As I was saying good by to her, she asked me for my number. I was shocked to say the least, and am a bit hesitant to to even consider a new relationship...but, in hindsight, I pretty much have been alone for the last 6 months. The stbx is having her fun, I guess it couldn't hurt for me to try...

The stbx asked if she could stay in the apartment for the weekend. I agreed, since I am planning on heading out of town Friday and need her to feed the animals. I plan on having the seperation papers signed and waiting for her. She's played with my heart for too long, and I'm ready to move on. I'm sure I have a lot of hard times still ahead of me, but at least I can finally end a post with a smile.

Its starting to look like I might not have lost this silly little game after all.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cgreene21 said:


> Not really sure what to say tonight. I feel good. I'm slightly happy. When I got home from work and stepped into the apartment, the usual wave of sadness didn't come over me. I'm relieved but sort of confused by my emotions right now.
> 
> An interesting side note. I had mentioned in an earlier post how right after I learned about the A, an old college buddy contacted me. Well, as I was picking up some groceries earlier, I ran into a woman I knew in high school, and had quite the crush on for many ears, but never had the courage to ask out. We talked for about 45 minutes, and I told her a little about my situation. Turns out, she too had just ended a terrible relationship were her BF had cheated on her multiple times. As I was saying good by to her, she asked me for my number. I was shocked to say the least, and am a bit hesitant to to even consider a new relationship...but, in hindsight, I pretty much have been alone for the last 6 months. The stbx is having her fun, I guess it couldn't hurt for me to try...
> 
> ...


See first response to this thread.....
Nice to hear you talk like this!!!

Good stuff!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks 63vino, its nice to feel like my life is starting to get back on track.

As I was leaving this morning, I noticed a shopping bag on the bedroom floor with a bunch of clothing tags. It appears the stbx has a taste for the "Miley Cyrus" collection of cloths...30 year old woman dressing like she's 12. Fantastic. Gave me quite the chuckle.

I sure hope I am around when Karma comes calling.

She also had the nerve to text me asking for money. Looks like the OM isn't in such a position to support her as she thought. Wonder how she'll feel about making his child support payments for him. Hehe.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Reading your thread here from page 1 felt like I'm reading about what I feel. Difference is, my H denies everything LOL. You sounds much happier and hopeful and you should be. Happy to hear your last posts


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

morningdew said:


> Reading your thread here from page 1 felt like I'm reading about what I feel. Difference is, my H denies everything LOL. You sounds much happier and hopeful and you should be. Happy to hear your last posts


I'm sorry to hear that your going through the same thing. And I am feeling much better, but there are still moments when it all seems to overwhelm me. Like last night, I was exhausted after work and the gym, got home and crashed on the bed. Fell asleep for about an hour, woke up and realized that I was in my bed for the first time in almost 3 months, and I was by myself. And I cried. For a long time, I just layed there and cried.

I'm plannig on getting the seperation papers today. I don't know what else I can do at this point, I need to do whatever I can to get out and move on. The stbx is no longer texting me as much, and when she does are very short and to the point. And still no apology for the pain she has caused me and our families. Don't know why I'm surprised anymore. I miss my W, but this new woman she's become...well...I haven't anything good to say. In fact, I dispise her.

I sort of few it like I'm amputating a toxic appendage. Yes, I am attached to it, and I had some good times with it...but if I don't cut it off soon, its going to kill me.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that your going through the same thing. And I am feeling much better, but there are still moments when it all seems to overwhelm me. Like last night, I was exhausted after work and the gym, got home and crashed on the bed. Fell asleep for about an hour, woke up and realized that I was in my bed for the first time in almost 3 months, and I was by myself. And I cried. For a long time, I just layed there and cried.
> 
> I'm plannig on getting the seperation papers today. I don't know what else I can do at this point, I need to do whatever I can to get out and move on. The stbx is no longer texting me as much, and when she does are very short and to the point. And still no apology for the pain she has caused me and our families. Don't know why I'm surprised anymore. I miss my W, but this new woman she's become...well...I haven't anything good to say. In fact, I dispise her.
> 
> I sort of few it like I'm amputating a toxic appendage. Yes, I am attached to it, and I had some good times with it...but if I don't cut it off soon, its going to kill me.


Couldn't agree more about the amputating part, sad part is I couldn't really amputating mine away since he and I have a son together. 

I think it is normal to feel the way you feel. Actually last night was the first night that I didn't cry myself blind after everyone at my parents house went to sleep. I couldn't imagine going back to that apartment even if he had moved out especially knowing now he had brought the OW less than a week since I moved out. 

You know I feel the same way too, I still love him...but I love the man that I married, the man that I fell in love head over heels with, not the distant, cold, manipulative man he had turned into. 

Wishing you nothing but the best CG...I hope you can find a new place to stay if that's what you need.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

morningdew said:


> Couldn't agree more about the amputating part, sad part is I couldn't really amputating mine away since he and I have a son together.
> 
> I think it is normal to feel the way you feel. Actually last night was the first night that I didn't cry myself blind after everyone at my parents house went to sleep. I couldn't imagine going back to that apartment even if he had moved out especially knowing now he had brought the OW less than a week since I moved out.
> 
> ...


Thank you MD, and I hope the same for you. 

Its been 3 weeks since I learned of the A. Other than the occasional text, still have not seen or spoke to the stbx...and its been hard. I had a few drinks with the guys yesterday afternoon, and had to fight the urge to go to the apartment and see if she was there with the OM. Of course it was a terrible idea, and would only lead to trouble. I'd love to see her, or even talk to her. But I know its not going to be pleasent. At all. She's not the same, and I'm still to angry. Nothing would be accomlished, not that there is anything to accomplish at this point. What's done is done.

The dreams have returned, and sleep is quickly becoming my enemy. Its like reliving the moment over and over again, with slight variations. Either I'm reliving the learning of the A, or seeing her with the OM, or just talking to her and being rejected and laughed at. I wake up in a sweat, and often find myself praying for just a few hours of dreamless sleep. Its really starting to take its toll on me.

I still have a lot of questions I'd like to ask the stbx, but I don't see a point in asking any of them. Its only going to hurt me more. I mean, is really knowing if she's been physical with the OM going to help me? No. Or if she's always been unfaithful. Or why she even married me in the first place? When and why this happened, why she never told me or talked to me about our problems, etc...

I guess I just really want some closure at this point. The part of me that wants to move on is starting to trump the part thats still clinging to the few good memories I have. I'm just tired of being so sad and lonely, but I refuse to move on until I see her signature on the papers. She may have broken her vows to me, but I still intend on honoring mine till the end.

Whatever that may be.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Its been a few days since my last post. I haven't heard from the stbx since Sunday, which is so far the longest span of time she's gone without messaging me about the apartment. Not sure what I feel about it at this point, sort of glad that she is finally leaving me alone, sad because...well, frankly, I really miss...

Had my 2nd counseling session yesterday, and left feeling better. It was a beautiful day for March, so I decided to walk to the court house and get what information I could. After being bounced from office to office for 3 hours, I got a little annoyed and decided to call it quits for the time being. I also tried to contact my landlord several times to let him know I intend on breaking the lease April 1st. I'm willing to do whatever I have to to get my name off the lease and let her deal with it. I'm pretty annoyed that SHE is the one that wants a divorce, SHE is the one having an affair and living it up, while I am suffering and having to deal with all the paperwork, etc. 

I just want to get past all of this, but I don't know how to even begin.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cgreene21 said:


> Its been a few days since my last post. I haven't heard from the stbx since Sunday, which is so far the longest span of time she's gone without messaging me about the apartment. Not sure what I feel about it at this point, sort of glad that she is finally leaving me alone, sad because...well, frankly, I really miss...
> 
> Had my 2nd counseling session yesterday, and left feeling better. It was a beautiful day for March, so I decided to walk to the court house and get what information I could. After being bounced from office to office for 3 hours, I got a little annoyed and decided to call it quits for the time being. I also tried to contact my landlord several times to let him know I intend on breaking the lease April 1st. I'm willing to do whatever I have to to get my name off the lease and let her deal with it. I'm pretty annoyed that SHE is the one that wants a divorce, SHE is the one having an affair and living it up, while I am suffering and having to deal with all the paperwork, etc.
> 
> I just want to get past all of this, but I don't know how to even begin.


You already have begun... I can see it. Every thing you do, although may be tough and painful it TOTALLY part of getting it behind you.. you cant see the baby steps now.. but yer making them. Trust that. (cant say trust me...cause you cant hahah).

Anyway its not a light switch.. its not going to happen overnight. Some days will be good some bad. Just keep going.

all the best


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Ok, I really need as much input as possible. Please help...

I just heard from the stbx. She's going to be at the apartment sunday. Since I am in a fantastic mood today, I decided to make light of everything, for the first time in a month. The conversation via text went:

Her: I'll be at the apartment Sunday night if thats ok?

Me: Staying the night?

Her: Yes

Me: Ok. I got the paper work. We need to discuss whats happening.

<5 minutes later>

her: Ok.

Me: I'll be there Sunday afternoon. It will probably take a few hours to fill out all the paper work. I'll try to complete as much as I can.

Her: Ok...I'll probably be there around 4...gonna try to do some laundry too

Me: Ok, its a date.

Me: Hehe

Her: Weirdo

Me: What can I say? I'd hate to disappoint you.

Her: Wouldn't be the same if you weren't weird

Me: Gotta stick with what I know.


Not sure if I handled that properly, but at this point and time I don't really think I care. I'm sort of on the fence about the entire situation. I'd love to have my wife back, but not the woman I have been dealing with for the last 6 months. If I have to let her go, I think I am close to being prepared for it. Its not going to be easy, but I know I have to do what I have to do. I can't let this drag on like this any longer. I really don't expect her to change her ways, expecially this far into it and after all she said to me, but I guess having a little hope can't hurt.

So, how do I go before the firing squad? This is the first time I've seen her in over a month, and I know that just seeing her is going to cause me to panic slightly. I do love her, and she is still beautiful to me, so I know that I have to get myself mentally set. Should I get myself looking as good as possible, and handle the situation with humor and indifferance...be my charming, witty self to remind her what she gave up? 

Or do I go into it all business, and let her know how angry I am? I have no intentions of crying, begging, pleading etc. with her. I just don't know what to do...its an odd situation to find myself in. I never really thought that it would really come down to this, and now that the time has come, I'm not sure how I want to go out.

I guess that when this is all over, I just want her to never forget me. So, not to beg, but please, any and all input is appreciated!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cgreene21 said:


> So, how do I go before the firing squad? This is the first time I've seen her in over a month, and I know that just seeing her is going to cause me to panic slightly. I do love her, and she is still beautiful to me, so I know that I have to get myself mentally set. Should I get myself looking as good as possible, and handle the situation with humor and indifferance...be my charming, witty self to remind her what she gave up?
> 
> I like this option above...
> 
> ...



She will nor could not ever forget you ... thats silly.. stop it.
What is the deal? Seems she is pretty sure of what she wants.
Is there indication on her side that she would reconsider, and if she did are you able to put everything aside and restart from zero? Zero meaning not using the past to get what you want.


I say, be honest. Be yourself and sure, look like you have it together... and the house.

Its ok and you should tell her how you feel. 
"I still love you, im willing to set everything aside and restart"
"If you want, im here. If you dont, i am going to have to move on and nof course I will." 
TRY to be matter of fact about that. NO anger.

i dunno.. whole thing sucks i know ... prepare yerself ok?
If you feel the blubber coming on..just quickly remember the pain she caused and simply use that to balance your response and actions.

relax....

sorry ... all i got!!! 

all the best and good luck


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Other option... have three hot girlfriends she doesnt know waiting and as she is pulling up to the house have them kiss you good bye and leave...smiling at her.



thats my evil side leaking out


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## orcowa (Mar 19, 2010)

CG - I want to say that I don't have a clue what you are going through, but I felt like I wrote most of your posts and have pretty much gone through the same trials here since January. I wish I had found this site a little bit earlier as there are a lot of good people on here. 

A couple quick notes - if you want to fight for this thing, great, fight for it. If she wants a divorce and does not want to work it out AND is seeing the OM still - you need to file for divorce! Don't file separation papers, just file for Divorce. Just about every single state is a "no faullt" state so it doesn't matter who is cheating on who or who is abusive to who - you just split all your assets and debts. If she makes way less money than you, you may have to pay some short term spousal support (FYI - I AM NOT A LAWYER, but I did meet with one - so your situation may be different.) 

What do you hope to get out of tonight? I am sure you will post what happened...but I keep having the exact same thoughts that my W will have the Come to Jesus Moment where she realizes she jacked up and she wants me back. Unfortunately, I am very, very close to filing the divorce papers and calling it a day. We are enablers in these relationships and they are used to doing whatever they want to us, no matter what we think/do/want. They get to see who they want to see, set their own rules, make us feel like we are completely wrong and we just sit there and blame ourselves. 

It has been 3 months since my separation began and I can honestly say that working on myself, going to see a counselor and finding out what I want has been very healthy. I think you need to ask her if she wants to go see a counselor - find out if you can get some of the love back and if she says no, then you are dying a SLOW DEATH!!! I am very, very close to dying that same death so I have mandated my W to go to counseling with me to figure out if we can work this stuff through. 

She has slightly agreed to it and until we go see a third party who can tell us if we are truly crazy, you will be living in Ground Hogs day for a long time. You should not be embarrassed about what happened, you need to continue to grow and love yourself! You need to stand up for yourself and not be a jerk, but be strong. She is going to wait and see if her other relationship is going to work and if it doesn't, then maybe she will come back because she knows she can get away with it.

Anyway, I may write more later, but those are my ten thoughts.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

63vino~ I must admit, option #3 is very, very appealing. Lmao! So far, I'm still leaning in the direction of being as calm, charming, and pleasent as possible. And I know I am being a bit silly, but with the way she has been acting and the things she said to me, sometimes I wonder if I made any sort of impact on her at all. I think back to before we got married, and he relationship we had has amazing...I don't have a lot of hope that thins will turn out in my favor, in fact I am fairly certain the night will end with one of us leaving. But I am feeling good about myself, I have some of my confidence back, and I think I owe it to myself to give it one last shot. Either way, I need closure. I need to know that I did everything I could to try and save my marriage.

Orcowa~ Thank you for your post. I'm sorry that our stories are similiar, its truly been a hell of a ride. Like I said above, I think all I am shooting for here is some closure. I'd love if she would go to conseling with me, but I don't ee it happening. She's insanely stubborn, and I truly believe that she doesn't see anything wrong with what she has done. As far as I know, she is still seeing the OM, and that she wants the divorce. We haven't talked or seen each other in a month, but little things she has done make me wonder. Maybe I am hoping that after being apart for so long, us seeing each other will spark something in her. It always seemed that the longer we are apart, the better we get along. She told me before I learned of the affair to just give it time to cool down, that she needed time to think. I believe that a lot of that may have been for my benefit, but I really can't be certain.

I have the paperwork for divorce. I think she was a bit shocked by the fact that I actually took the first steps towards ending it. I honestly thought that if she was 100% certain this is what she wanted, that I would have been served by now, and she would not still be sharing the apartment. (That situation is still a mess, but plan on ending it Sunday if she chooses to sign the papers)

I guess in the end I want closure. I want another night with my wife, just a chance to try and make things right. I know that its not all my fault, but I still feel like I am to blame. 

Guess I am just a hopless romantic at heart.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Less than 24 hours and I'll know the fate of my marriage. Although I have accepted a lot of what's happening, and I am fairly confident that yes, my marriage is over, I find myself expecting the worse but hoping for the best. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be on death row?

I'm worried that I might be backsliding in my changes. Last week I was ready to give up, but now the thought of giving up on my marriage terrifies me. I don't understand how after all that she has done to me, and the fact that she told me to my face that she no longer loves me, cares for me, nor wants to be with me, that I still want her. How can I still love her? I'm confusing myself, and I hate it! She hasn't told me she wants to make things work, nor has she taken any real steps to end it. If I hadn't told her to leave a month ago, we would still be seperated but living together. I wish I could stop trying to read into everything...

The only thing I have truly decided is that tomorrow is it, for better or worse. If she wants out, than thats what she gets. I'm done, and I am out of her life. The thought of her not being in my life at all scares me, but frankly, I have enough friends as it is, and my ex-W doesn't need to be included in those ranks. I don't know how she feels, or if that thought even crossed her mind...I'm still mystified how someone can change so much, so fast...

But if she decides to stay, well...I know things MUST change. I don't think either one of us could ever be happy if things went back to the way they were. 

I know I can't keep thinking this way. I am only setting myself up for another fall. I just wish I knew what it would take to make her see that we can get through this. But, if its really what she wants...I have to give it to her. I've always tried to give her everthing she wanted, and I guess her freedom would be my last gift.

I'm heading to the apartment early in the morning. I know she is not going to be here until around 4pm. I was considering taking care of laundry and cleaning up a bit, that way there is no reason for us not to pend as much time discussing what is going to happen. I've entertained the idea of trying to take her out for dinner, maybe a movie, or just go for a walk...anything to ease the tension a bit. To me, I just want to have at least one more good memory with her. I really don't know what to do.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Cook dinner at home..foster more talk.
Good luck ok?

all the best....whatever happens.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Wow...

So that went horribly. I mean...wow. I'm sort of at a loss for words for how absolutely horribly she treated me. I didn't really think that any human could truly be as cold hearted as she was to me today.

I spent the afternoon cleaning the apartment, vacuumed, dusted, did the laundry, etc. to make things as comfortable as possible. I didn't want there to be any distractions, I really wanted to spend as much time talking as possible. She showed up around 3:30, said hi, and immediatly went into the bedroom to start laundry. I sat there for a moment, and decided that I was not ready to do this at all. In fact, internally, I was freaking out. I took a few deep breaths, and stuck my head in the bedroom and offered to go up the street and get some coffee for us...mostly because I needed to regain my composure. Seeing her for the first time in a month hit me like a truck, she was as beautiful as ever.

I stepped out and called my friend who is a big religion buff, and asked her to pray for me, because I really needed all the help I could get. I got the coffee, went back, and sat down at the dining room table, and asked her if she wanted to talk or just sign the papers. She made small talk, asked me what I have been up to, how my grandfather was, how I was holding up, etc.

After forced small talk, I sort of went for broke. I basically said that I love her, realized how I failed her as a husband, and how she had failed me as a wife, and that I really wanted to take the next 2 months of our lease to try and work things out. After 8 years together, what is 2 more months compared to the rest of our lives? The I was willing to look past the A and everything else that has happened if she could just give me one chance, the chance that she had promised me back in August, to try and make things right. That I wanted her to come home and try counseling with me, even if it was only 1 session, and hopefully at the end of it all I'd at least be able to walk away and try to be friends with her someday down the line.

I got nothing from her. I had hoped that after being apart for so long that she would at least hear me out and talk to me. She wouldn't. No reasoning behind her actions other than things that had happened between us YEARS before the marriage. She has moved in with the OM, and could really care less if I am in her life at all. She feels absolutely no remorse for lieing to me for so long and stringing me along, and has come to terms with the idea of me not being in her life. After 8 years together, and me growing into a loving, supportive husband that she wanted me to be, she is now living with someone that is worse than I ever was...and is completely content with it. All she wanted was to sign the papers and be done with me. Ouch.

So I brought up what I had on the computer, which was a site the county clerk had given me. I had tried to read through it and fill some of it out the other night, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I really do not want this divorce at all. She then told me to go to Legalzoom.com. I did, and she takes my laptop from me. Not only did she already have an account on that site, she had filed all the divorce paper work back on August 14th! She said she never sent it in because at the time she didn't have the money. I still don't know where she got it from, but I am starting to think I know where my missing bill money went to. Oh, btw, my credit card and student loan didn't get paid last month. Suspicious. That was a complete WTF moment for me, and thats when I knew that it was definitly over. I could hear the firing squad ****ing their rifles.

Then BOOM. Submitted. Papers will be in tomorrow. No 2nd chances, no looking back. Literally, game over. She said she would contact a divorce lawyer tomorrow...

I'm still in shock I think. Through it all, I guess I never really thought that it would happen. I just didn't think that it was truly possible to just dismiss 8 years in the blink of an eye, but I guess its easy when you run to someone that you know will take you without even trying. And I am very, very bitter. I guess I got the closure I wanted.

I just can't believe that she could so easily dismiss me. She flat out told me that she didn't miss me at all, that she only thought of me when it involved the apartment or divorce matters, that she didn't love me and hadn't for a long time, and that if I tried to break lease or didn't pay half of the utilities that she would sue me. And if I didn't give her back the wedding and engagement rings immediatly, that she would try to have me arrested for theft! This coming from the girl that told me a few months ago that she couldn't imagine her life without me!

Amazing. Simply amazing. But, empowering a bit, because I can now truly see her for what she has become. A self-centered, maniplating, lieing, cold-hearted *****. Even after all this, I couldn't bring myself to be mean to her. I left, went and got some dinner for us, came back and sat down to finish watching a DVD collection that we started together back before things got bad. We finished after an hour and a half. I quietly got up, put on me shoes and jacket, knelt down next to her on the couch and just hugged her...and thank God she hugged me back. She held me for at least a minute, rubbed my back and whispered to me that I would be ok. With tears in my eyes, I took her by the chin and gave her the last kiss I will ever give her, looked her in the eyes and said "I wish that it didn't have to be this way. I love you...Goodbye." I walked away, and I didn't look back.

So, I guess that this is where my story ends. And, I think that it might not be as unhappy as I thought. I deserve better than what I was getting. Am I perfect? No, not at all. I made my fair share of mistakes, but at least I was able to own up to them and try to make amends. She never did, and I don't believe she knows how. I really do hope that she can find what she is looking for.

As for me? I don't really know where to go from here. I feel like a failure, and that I let her and myself down. But I know that I tried, and at least I have that small comfort. Either way, its not like anything really has changed for me. I've been on my own for most of my marriage, and for the last few months I haven't really had her at all. I probably should have gone there today with the sole intention of getting the papers signed and being rid of her...but that wouldn't of been me being true to who I am. I can't pretend to be someone that I am not, and I just hope that I can find someone out there that doesn't mind being with a guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, and is just a hopeless romantic at heart. I know what I want out of life, and she just was never able to give that to me.

Its time to move on now. I know that. I don't want someone that could lie to me, and say such spiteful things. I know that even if she had agreed to work on things, that it would have just been a ruse to get me to stay and take care of the bills, animals, apartment, etc. while she was off having her fun. I guess it just took me a lot longer to realize that than I should of.

I guess that all I can really say for now. I need to get to sleep, and somehow get up and face work tomorrow. I really hate myself at this moment, mostly for letting myself down. But I don't think I really stood a chance. She's found what makes her happy...at least for now. But I know that this is a chapter in my life I have no intentions of revisiting ever again.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

CG my heart truly breaks for you. I know how you feel inside as I am feeling it too. I am more than willing to give my H another chance but obviously he decided to have his cake and eat it too.

You are a strong person and I know you will come out a better one after all this is done. 

Will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. The pastor at my church yesterday said "We can only see the brightest light in our darkest moment" which is sadly true...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Cgreene21, wow I feel for you guy. I was having trouble with my dog being brought to the spca and the bogus TRO, but after reading your last post I realize that I got off light in comparison.

I hate to be rude, but she completely soul f**ked you guy. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry, and stay away from her. Anger is far better than cruelty in my opinion. At least anger shows some passion, and is a distant relative of love. Cruelty in my opinion is the polar opposite of love. 

What she said and did to you was heartless. You seem like a truly decent guy, but I would humbly suggest that you learn to tolerate a lot less from partners in future relationships. It's one thing to forgive a scratch on the car, several overdrafts, or a sloppy bathroom, but serial adultery...never. You deserve better, raise your standards CG21. It will protect you. 

LIL


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Cgreene I think you need to focus on the positives, you now have the chance to meet someone that you are suited for and you have no nasty custody battle and no house to sell. Forget her as soon as you can.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

CGreene~

I'm so sorry to read this. I know this sliver of you was hoping she might have missed you or realized what she was losing, but honestly it is her loss. You were an honest, kind, loving, generous, thoughtful, faithful man and she will never have that with her affair partner--he was willing to cheat to get her and he'll be willing to cheat on her. It's SO SAD isn't it? 

This part was particularly  



> ...I still don't know where she got it from, but I am starting to think I know where my missing bill money went to. Oh, btw, my credit card and student loan didn't get paid last month. Suspicious. ...
> 
> ... if I tried to break lease or didn't pay half of the utilities that she would sue me. And if I didn't give her back the wedding and engagement rings immediately, that she would try to have me arrested for theft!


Let me see if I have the facts straight. You bought the rings for her for your wedding. She left them in the apartment when she left you for another man. She used money designated for your bills (credit card and student loan) to pay for divorce papers, and SHE moved out and is threatening you about breaking the lease? :rofl: She's kidding right? 

When the police arrive, show them your name on the bill of sale for the rings, show them it's a marital dispute, and they'll say "settle it yourselves." HAVE HER SUE YOU and have it be part of the divorce settlement--that works for you and saves you a bunch of money. Pack her stuff, put it in a Public Storage locker, mail her the key and get her out of your hair. This is ridiculous.  Brother, she's unreal! 



> As for me? I don't really know where to go from here. I feel like a failure, and that I let her and myself down. But I know that I tried, and at least I have that small comfort. Either way, its not like anything really has changed for me. I've been on my own for most of my marriage, and for the last few months I haven't really had her at all. I probably should have gone there today with the sole intention of getting the papers signed and being rid of her...but that wouldn't of been me being true to who I am. I can't pretend to be someone that I am not, and I just hope that I can find someone out there that doesn't mind being with a guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, and is just a hopeless romantic at heart. I know what I want out of life, and she just was never able to give that to me.


You know what? There was a lovely man out there who wanted a slightly pudgy, middle-aged (but youngish) lady with two kids--cuz he had five kids and loved children. I am POSITIVE there will be someone who loves the fact you wear your heart on your sleeve. 



> Its time to move on now. I know that. I don't want someone that could lie to me, and say such spiteful things. I know that even if she had agreed to work on things, that it would have just been a ruse to get me to stay and take care of the bills, animals, apartment, etc. while she was off having her fun. I guess it just took me a lot longer to realize that than I should of.


I'm so sorry Cgreene. Whether you want to or not it is time to move on, but I'm thinking a day or two feeling the grief might be a good idea. In fact a funeral may be appropriate because something precious to you has died and you'll want to talk about it and remember the memories.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

My condolences as well Cgreen. As much as this hurts, you will be able to move on with a clear conscience knowing you faught till the finish, a failure would not have. She made a conscience decision that she will no doubt come to regret in time. You on the other hand have been given the opportunity to find someone who will truly apreciate you for who you are.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks to everyone for their support, it really means a lot...especially right now. I took a few days to try and get the grief out of my system, but all my friends and family have seemingly turned their backs to me right now, and I haven't felt this alone in my life. I know that they care, and that they all have their own problems to attend to, I just really could use someone right now.

I haven't slept much since Sunday, a few hours at most. I'm exhausted. I can't focus on my work, and can't bring myself to do the simplist of tasks. I feel like I am sinking fast. I'm okay as long as I am angry, but I can't seem to find that place anymore. I'm just so lonely, and knowing she's completly fine without me isn't making things any better. It really never occured to me until recently how much I really depended on her for company until she was gone...even when we were seperated but living together, I at least had someone to talk to and just be there. All I have now are our cats, who are acting very strangly lately. I think they can tell something isn't right. One just sits on the bed, crying constantly. The other won't leave me alone, he just sits above me on the couch. As pathetic as it seems, I really feel bad for them.

I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. Just knowing the truth now about how long its been going on really messes me up, knowing who she's is with, etc. And that she is carrying on like nothing has changed. It all seems so unreal, and so unfair. But there is always going to something in life that sets you back. Its just the way life is.

I don't even think that I am all that upset that she is gone, its more that I have to start anew. I really was looking forward to getting a house next year and starting a family. Knowing that I have to start all over again just doesn't seem all that much fun. Plus, I live and work in a small town and do a lot of outside work in my spare time, I don't always have a lot of free time. And the last thing I want is to pick someone up at a bar, and end up in another situation like I am now.

It just feels pretty hopeless at times. I've got a lot to take care of, and I need to get on the ball. But its hard to take steps to rid yourself of someone completely when you don't even want to get out of bed. I'm trying to think and act productivly and positivly, but its just not as easy as it seems. I really wish at times that I was able to do what she did, and just move on over night. I've been smoking a lot more, almost 2 packs a day now. I need at least a pot of coffee to even get moving in the morning. I'm barely eating, nothing I used to enjoy seems worth doing anymore. I just can't seem to shake the self-pity for longer than a few hours, then its right back to where I started.

Anyways, sorry for such a depressing post. I just needed to get it off my chest.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Cgreene21,

I've been following your thread(s). It sucks what you've been through, but it is what it is now. At least you don't have kids -- meaning you don't have to see her due to that. 

I know its hard -- but you've just got to take it one step at a time. Remember what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger. You can do this. You really can. Find Skinman's thread and read it, start with his last few posts first to see where he's at now then start at the beginning.

Don't apologize for your posts. YOu need to vent and this is as good a place as any other.

Peace.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Feelingalone~

Thank you for pointing me to that thread, I really hope that I have an ending similar. Gives me a bit of hope...

And yes, it is what it is. I am thankful that we have not been married long enough to accumulate a lot that we have to split, and that there is no house or children involved. Other than a few odds and ends, and she is cooperative, I'm praying for it to end as quickly and peacefully as possible.

I wish I could just shut the thinking part of my mind of for a bit and just run on auto-pilot. Its amazing what can trigger a memory. I don't know if I made this comparison before, but this whole divorce is sort of like buying a new car. Once you get in it, all you see is that car on the street. Every song, tv show etc. reminds me of what I am going through.

As for the baby steps, I started packing some of my personal items today and plan on storing them at a friends. I took a day off from work, just wasn't feeling it. Im thankful that I have a great boss that completely understands my situation. I plan on contacting my landlord in the next few days and tell him I am breaking lease May 1st. Its only a month before the lease actually ends, so hopefully he will be fairly cooperative with me. I plan on staying with family for a month or two until I can get back on my feet...which I hope won't take me too long.

I'm really dreading the days to come. I'm surprised that I have not been served yet, the paperwork should have arrived at her parents a few days ago. My heart is just still not into it, although I know I have to do it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Are you sticking with therapy? You should.

Many of us are very familiar with where you are at and the emotional turmoil that goes with it.

You don't necessarily have to believe it yet; but you must keep reminding yourself that you will get through this. And you know what? You will.

As for the 'heart on your sleeve' and 'this is who I am' piece; you don't need to change who you are, but almost certainly you will want to adjust - for your benefit, and the benefit of the ho-posse of nubile females that will inevitably need to 'get with you.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> I wish I could just shut the thinking part of my mind of for a bit and just run on auto-pilot. Its amazing what can trigger a memory. I don't know if I made this comparison before, but this whole divorce is sort of like buying a new car. Once you get in it, all you see is that car on the street. Every song, tv show etc. reminds me of what I am going through.


CG, 
I know exactly how that feels! I wish we can do that too but maybe we all need to feel the pain so we can all later learn to appreciate the good parts in the future. Couldn't even bring myself to watch my favorite tv shows because it reminded me too much of him, even seeing a mix couple walking holding hands here enough to make me sick to my stomach...I guess only time can heal these feelings.

I'd like to share with you what my pastor said on his sermon on Sunday. He said "Only in total darkness we are able to see the brightest light..." believe me I cried like a baby in church listening to this...Some of us here are in the total darkest times of our lives there's no doubt about it but maybe then maybe we will see that bright light that will guide us out of this horrible times. 

Stay strong, CG! I know it's easier to said than done because I am still trying to take it one day at a time and there are times where I feel like "hey that's two steps forwards..." then suddenly I had to go one step backwards. I guess that's just normal and part of healing.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Are you sticking with therapy? You should.
> 
> Many of us are very familiar with where you are at and the emotional turmoil that goes with it.
> 
> ...


at least she is making this really easy to hate her. I had to deal with a family crisis the last few days, and had asked her to please take care of the cats. She of course gave me a hard time, and even went so far as to express concern for my brother, whom is not in a good place. Not really seeing how what was happening was really any of her business, I said that by carrying on an A for 6+ months and lieing to me about everything, she already proved that she doesn't care about anyone but herself. Her response? She called me an ass. So I said that she led me on for months, promised to work on things but did nothing to improve them, and then showed no remorse for what she did to me...now she wants to show concern for my brother? Who's the ass here? She didn't respond. I felt bad, but I was really pissed off.

So, I came back to the apartment tonight. What do I find? Sitting on top of the trash can, a piece of paper with court dates, and a reciept for condoms, thongs, and langerie. Classy. I was upset at first, but figured it really isn't worth it. She's just trying to get me to say or do something stupid, and give her some ammo if we go to court. All she really is doing is proving how truly heartless, and childish, she really is. Between the posting on facebook and now this...I'm starting to feel like I am in high school again. 

It's pathetic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Ok, so after a very long and sleepless night I've concluded that I need to GTFO ASAP. I know that she is trying to set me up at this point, and that I cannot deal with this high school BS she is tossing at me. As much as I want to call her and go off like a rocket, I know its a terrible idea. I just need to kill her with kindness, and try as hard as I can to ignore the devious little things she is doing to me.

I still find it hard to believe that after all this time together, she has it in her to be as cruel as she is. Its like she is deriving some strange pleasure out of kicking me whilst I'm down. I just know that she is sitting there laughing at me, and it just fuels my rage. All I want is for this to be done as quickly as possible now.

I'm considering stopping at the bank and applying for a small loan. Financially, she sort of screwed me over by not paying those bills last month, and I am starting to wonder how much more of my money she has been hording. At least if I can get the loan, I can condense a few payments, and have enough left over to cover a few months rent in a new place. Just enough time to get myself straightened out again.

Worse case, if she keeps dragging her feet like this I will have the money to persue the fast divorce. I really want out at this point. My counsler keeps telling me to detach with love. Yeah...at this point I don't see that happening. I'd be a fool to have any feelings towards her at this point. Of course I am still sad that all of this has to happen, but its making it a lot easier to let go. I just wish that she had shown me even a glimpse at this side of her years ago, before I proposed.

Ugh. Guess all I can do at this point is sprint for that finish line!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Fu*ck love.

This isn't about the both of you realizing there are gross irreconcilable differences in the marriage that you regretfully cannot repair together.
This is about the fact that your wife manipulated, lied to and betrayed you - willfully. And now she wants to rub your nose in it hoping you will do something to justify what she did.

If both parties are agreeable, you can divorce with dignity - but that doesn't work if one of the parties is trying to gut you.

There is nothing wrong with being pissed off and wanting to punch something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Fu*ck love.
> 
> This isn't about the both of you realizing there are gross irreconcilable differences in the marriage that you regretfully cannot repair together.
> This is about the fact that your wife manipulated, lied to and betrayed you - willfully. And now she wants to rub your nose in it hoping you will do something to justify what she did.
> ...


Oh, I have passed the point of wanting to punch something. I'm taking my nicely framed wedding photos over to a buddy's tonight, who has a duoble barrel loaded and waiting for me.

Look for the video on youtube later this month.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

CGreene, 

I'm not in your shoes and never have been, but this all seems reinforcing for her. Spend your energy on something more productive I say. You married a snake, wash your hands of it asap and move on. You ever heard this: "I got back at the other man in the best way possible, I let him keep her" **** her and her wannabe rock star boyfriend and meet a lady with class. 



Cgreene21 said:


> Oh, I have passed the point of wanting to punch something. I'm taking my nicely framed wedding photos over to a buddy's tonight, who has a duoble barrel loaded and waiting for me.
> 
> Look for the video on youtube later this month.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm just venting. I can't recall a time where I have ever been so disgusted and pissed. Just seemed like a good use for the photos, since neither of us really wants them. Stress relief lol.

I doubt its something I'll go through with. Just an entertaining thought.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Uhm, there is that one thing that may be wrong with just punching something...I think they call it a temporary restraining order. Cgreene21, I know this must be hard as hell for you, but the nicest thing she could possibly have done for you right now was leaving that condom receipt.

I can't speak for you, but for me my wife taking my dog to the SPCA, and her filing a bogus restraining order were essential in "killing off" the last vestiges of love I had for her in my heart. I cannot tell you how liberating it has been to be free from feelings of sadness or regret. In a way, yes what she did to you was cruel Cg21, but when you really stop and look at it, sometimes cruel can be kind. Move on with your life and be happy, and for God's sake don't shotgun the wedding pictures. Take from your relationship the memories that worked...throw the rest. 

LIL


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## IHopeToForget (Mar 2, 2010)

Hey CGreene. It's been awhile since I have been on here. It's just so depressing to see what everyone is going through, and staying on this site and reading, jut makes me even more sad for myself and everyone on here.

I was going through the same crap you have been going through almost word for word, except for the the years you have been married for (mine was only 2 1/2 years). 

My wife actually caught me in a trap and had an attorney, and I didn't. She would bring things up to get a rise out of me and was documenting every word and movement I was doing. The next day I don't see her and I get a ring at the doorbell expecting it to be her, but I asked myself why would she ring the doorbell when she lives here too? Well, I come to find out she served not a restraining order on me, but a Temporary Protection Order on me.

The protection order has a no contact law whatsoever, or you can be fined and imprisoned for upto 1 year!! That was what pretty much the slap in the face, and her saying im done with you. The Order was served to me by an Officer, and so I had to sign it. What I didn't know is that once that was signed, I had 48 hours from that time to move all my s*** and figure out on my own where to live, because it's not there problem. Now thats something really messed up huh?

I don't mean to be mean, but I wish you would've found out about the affair and everything else much sooner. I am SOOO Thankful, but so down that my Ex wife did this to me then, then 10 years or so down the road. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I just went through it and both signed the papers March 25th. Now that's a lovely date I hope to forget.

In my opinion, being on here and reading about other peoples lives will help you, but will make you feel depressed again by reading other peoples stories. I don't think you want to be like some of these people on here where they have 1000's of posts, and it seems like they have dwelled on their problems and post the same things over and over again, and looks to get you nowhere, but back to square one. That's just my opinion.

CGreene- I know being alone is hard, as I am doing the same. Trying new things and trying to force yourself to get up and meet new people is so helpful. I am going through the exact same feelings you are, the smoking, sleeping, eating, and depression etc. Seems like thats how humans are designed to cope with things. 

Oh, and for the double barreled shotgun. You should do it. It was so hard for me to throw away 4 years on memories of my wife, but its for the better. You will probably bawl like a baby, but seriously, Do you really think she could give 2 sh**s and a F*** what you are doing or how you are doing?

I am venting as well, and again, I do apologize for my grammar. I just post whats on my mind and click reply.


PM or whatever CGreene. We are on the same boat and we both need to go to a different island.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks guys, I appreciate the input. Ihopetoforget, thanks you for your support. I'm sure we'll end up talking and comparing situations soon.

I'm alright today, I think LIL was right. Leaving that sitting there really helped to kill off the last bit of caring I had for her. I'm sure that it will still come in waves, but that was enough to push me forward. That, and I just found out she changed her name back to her maiden name. Which is just as well, she isn't part of my family...and with the way she has been acting, I don't want her in it anyways.

Checked out a few apartments and a couple of houses yesterday, than had a few drinks with the guys. Its starting to get easier everyday, and have actually found myself smiling a bit easier and laughing more freely. But I still feel like I have a black cloud over my head.

I'm probably going to start boxing up her personal items tonight. I'm still a bit leary of moving things yet, I don't want her to notice and suddenly decide to come in and move everything out on me.

I'm still not sure what to expect at this point. I know its over, but I am wondering what other surprises she was in store for me. It seems every few days there is something new. Its starting to get old. Fast. With a bit of focus, and some luck, I should be back up within the next few months.


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## IHopeToForget (Mar 2, 2010)

CGreene- When I started to see my Marriage go downhill around January I started to look at how to reignite the spark or fix our problems.... Ya, that never happened though. When she really wanted the divorce to happen she told me that she wanted to be single and how we got married way too young, and that was basically her telling me that she wanted to see other men and I was a piece of garbage tossed out the window. Talk about beating around the bush. 

Anyways, What I was trying to get at is, I started to post here, because I read your story, and it looked so so familiar to mine. Oh, and btw, when I left March 25th to head back to Colorado. We had eachothers passwords for our emails. I decided to see what she was doing right after I left. Boom! She had been talking to guys she has been hiding from me for god knows how long. Talk about someone who has no heart. 

Yes, I do know it was wrong for me to get on there and see. I just hate getting in a divorce and could really never figure out why. Now I know exactly why she wanted a divorce. Kinda makes you want to question your manhood, Well, atleast thats what I think. 

Sorry if I'm crowding your thread, but S**t man. We have match for match problems. I also have that cloud over my head where you think you are not going to find anyone else, and if you did you would compare them to your wife.. Even though I despise what my wife has done. I adapted to a lot of her styles ie: what clothes she liked, foods, music and so on and so forth. Now I know to never put all my eggs in one basket. 

As for now. Even being with my friends it's hard to stop thinking about your other, even when they have done so many things to you, we still have the heart to forgive and wish a miracle would happen, and they would just be the perfect angel they used to be in the beggining. It's sad that some people change for the worse, and we are one of the ones who married one.

I hope I made sense haha. I actually went outside today with almost all my pictures of her and I and actually watched them burn, with some lingerie to start the fire. It feels good, but really really sad, because you spent so many of your memories with this person and you just throw it away. So sad people are like this nowadays.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dude, do not touch her stuff ...

Two reasons:

1. It could actually set her off.
2. All it accomplishes for you is an ongoing reminder of memories and what was. If you enjoy beating yourself up, then by all means go for it.

Packing your ex-wife who is banging another guy's stuff, up is not your job.

Pack your stuff. Then just get the hell out of Dodge. Don't interact with her unless you have to. All you need to do is let the Landlord know that you won't be renewing the lease - you don't need to tell him you are 'breaking' the lease given that you are doing so, 1 month prior. Worst case, you have to pay half of that last month.

Own the baggage that is yours - let her deal with hers.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Ihopetoforget~

Don't worry about it, post away! I wish I knew what to tell you, the entire situation really sucks in ways I never thought possible. But, I am honestly finding it a lot easier to deal with when I actually do not have any contact what-so-ever...and the longer I am away the more I realize that I really don't want her in my life anymore. She's just evil. Its so far gone now that even if she came back and apologized, and swore up and down it would be better, I'd still show her the door. I don't want her or the drama that allowing her back into my life would bring.

Deejo-

Sound advice, as always. I think the plan is to move all my stuff out this weekend. I thought that by now, since she is living with the OM, that she would have moved some of it. But still, all of it is sitting there. Its ridiculous, but its strenghting me. I no longer have to urge to break down when I walk in. I just want out, totally and completely, and not look back.

And still no papers...wtf?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I echo what Deejo has said. You pack your stuff and get it outta there to your timing. Give your 30-day written notification to the landlord that you will not be renewing. Your legal heiney is covered and she can come pack her own things. 

It's part of the consequence of her choices. SHE also has to deal with things, not just dump the burden on you. You can keep your side of the street completely clean--take photos when you move out etc. to show that your stuff was out and cleaned up. Okay? You're doing good. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks, I think that is the best plan. Just get my stuff out and let the landlord know I'm done, and let her deal with it for a change. I just getting sick of it all. Its funny, this time a month ago all I wanted was to get my wife back...now all I want is to get rid of her and get on with my life. What's the use in pineing for the past when you can't have it? She's not the same, nor ever will be.

At least there haven't been any new surprises yet. She is supposed to stop at the apartment tonight to get some items, guess tomorrow should be interesting.

I've been toying with the idea of online dating. I'm just getting really lonely, and it would be nice if I could find someone to talk to and spend some time with again. But morally, I'm having a hard time doing it. As it is, I've tried a few times already tto meet with other woman, and it never seems to work out and I am left feeling like I am betraying my vows. I don't know what to do.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

So after an extended break to take time to gather myself, I thought I should start to bring an end to my story.

I was just served with divorce papers about 15 minutes ago...exactly one week after what should have been our 2 year anniversary. Sort of ironic I guess. And, oddly enough, I don't really care. I'm not sad, mad, or anything. Its like I finally see the end of the tunnel.

She finally got the last of her personal belongings out of my apartment, and its officially mine. Her name is no longer on the lease, and I find living on me own sort of freeing. Its nice to be able to come home to a quiet place at the end of a long day.

I also met someone last month, and she has proven so far to be everything that I could want out of a companion. She is incredibly intelligent, funny, and loves to be outdoors. For our first date, we actually went fishing, something I haven't been able to do in years! I'm realizing now that, yes, it is possible to be happy again.

So, I'd like to thank everyone who helped me out through what I hope is the darkest point of my life...and for everyone else out there that is suffering the way I was, have faith that it will get better! A few months ago, I thought I wouldn't make it through this. But through the help of my friends, family, counseling, and the amazing people here, I pulled through and am 100% better off now.

I'm uncertain if this will be my last post, I may return an post a few more updates...but as of now, all I have left to deal with is the court date...and its finally over.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

In less than a year, everything has finally come full circle. My divorce is final and I haven't spoken to the ex in a few months now. We haven't seen each other since she moved the last of her stuff out in June, and that was the first time I have seen her since close to February. I wish I could say that everything is better now...I realize I'm better off without her, but I still do not feel 100%

I've tried to keep busy. I've gotten back in touch with some old friends, and tend to constantly have something going on. Its just tough, all of my friends have a spouse or have been in a long term relationship for so long, it just reminds me of my loss. Nothing can really fill that space thats there...sure, I can forget for a little while, but at the end of the day I still have to go home to an empty apartment.

I also made mention of finding someone new...well, that turned out horribly. She ended up having some demons, which lead to a very severe drinking problem. Having dealt enough with that for one life time, I quickly got myself out of that situation. I guess I was just so desperate for attention that it seemed she seemed perfect at the time...oh well, lesson learned.

So a few weeks after that, a female co worker of mine that I have been friends with for 8 years split with her boyfriend and came to me for comfort. Over the course of a few weeks, we both realized that we had feelings for each other. We spent some time together, watch some movies, etc. Just spent time together, we kissed once. There was something definitely there, we both knew it, but she was still talking to her ex on the side, and wasn't sure if they'd patch things up or what...so I relaxed a bit and just waited to see what would happen.

So over the last month, we hadn't really spent much time together, mostly carried on pretty "interesting" conversations at work and through text messages, and she came out to visit me when I was out at camp for a few days. Everything seemed to be going well, still nothing to serious.

Some co workers had a BBQ this last Sunday, and she accompanied me there. We were having fun, flirting and joking, it was great. And then it hit me. My stomach felt like it was in knots, my mouth was dry, and suddenly found myself at a lose for words...I knew I was in trouble at that point. I knew I was falling in love with her.

That thought lasted for about 5 minutes, when she suddenly gets a voice message from her Ex, flipping out b/c he found out that she was spending time with me. Yeah, felt like high school all over again...So we had to leave. As we got back to my apartment, I knew what was coming...and I was right. She went back to him.

So now I have spent most of my day at my desk texting back and forth with her about what is going on, and I am very confused by the entire situation. She keeps apologizing up and down, saying shes sorry she hurt me, that I'm an amazing guy and she doesn't deserve my affection, that she doesn't know what she wants, etc...so needless to say, I'm a little mind-blown.

I've never had trouble meeting women before I got married...now, after the divorce and being out of the dating game for nearly a decade, I'm completely lost. I tried the dating sites, thats where I met the alcholic, so I'm a bit leery now. I don't like bars and clubs...I sort of feel like there isn't much hope for me anymore. How do/ did other manage through the dating game again? I'm not ready for another full blown relationship, but I do miss having someone...

And what should I do about this other girl? I'm crazy about her, and I know she cares about me...I just don't know what the heck to do!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Welcome back?

In the scheme of things, it sounds like you are doing just fine - despite what you may think.

It also sounds like you are firmly entrenched in the 'nice guy' or 'friend' zone. That's not where you want to be.

If you would like this young lady to be more than a buddy, then stop being her shoulder to cry on because her EX-boyfriend is a douche-bag.

Falling in love with someone that isn't actually available is more than a little masochistic.

You want to know where you really stand with this girl? Stop being her support system. Make it clear that you aren't interested in being 'friends'. Or if you choose to continue to speak, make sure you point out how effed up her relationship is.

We talk about this stuff quite a little bit hereabouts. Look for posts by AtholK, MEM, and BigBadWolf.

Here are some books you may wish to reference:

Man Up Books

Bottom line, doing what you are doing is not going to win you this girl. Given the game she is playing at, you should strongly reconsider if you want to win her at all.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Just ask her this question: If I were Shrek who would you be? Donkey or Princess Fiona? If Princess Fiona -- say great. If Donkey, say I always needed a beast of burden.

You will know where you stand after that.

This is a gem from Atholk. I give credit to the deserving.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ahhhh .... the Shrek postulate. Brilliant.



Feelingalone said:


> Just ask her this question: If I were Shrek who would you be? Donkey or Princess Fiona? If Princess Fiona -- say great. If Donkey, say I always needed a beast of burden.
> 
> You will know where you stand after that.
> 
> This is a gem from Atholk. I give credit to the deserving.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Lmao. Classic. I'll have to try it out lol.

And thanks Deejo, sound advice as always.

Situation wise, its still not looking like its going to go in my favor. We talked a little about it here and there, and basically the message I'm getting is that she's interested and cares about me, but is hung up in the past and not quite ready to sever the tie...whenever I expressed that I understood and I would back off, she would be more attentive to me, the conversations would heat back up, that she didn't want me too, etc. I don't think she intended on hurting me, but she is definitely playing a game. 

Anyways, it all sort of came to a head yesterday. I had been thinking about everything over the weekend, and what Deejo said about being in the "friendzone." After 8 years, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get out of it lol. So yesterday afternoon we are talking, and she asks if something is wrong, that I haven't been myself. So I told her that frankly, I'm better then being someones back up plan, and that if she really wanted me, to tell me. If not then I have no choice but to walk away...its not fair to myself to put everything in my life on hold while she figures her's out.

She never did give me a straight answer either way, but we both agreed that, for now, we should just forget about a relationship. So...yep. Friend zone. So I guess my next step is just to wait and see what happens. It hurts, but what can you do? I'm going to try to scale the contact way back...which is going to be tough, like I said...we've been friends for a long time. Either she'll miss me, or grow to hate me lol.

On the up side, I'm becoming a pro at this rejection thing...seriously though, dating sucks.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dating and rejection is the prerequisite for discovering something that actually has value and is worthwhile. Anything less is disingenuous and prevents you from getting to 'worthwhile'.

I have been rejected far more than I have gone on dates. In turn, I've done plenty of rejecting. It's a necessary exercise. Nobody can fault you for going after what you want and refusing to settle for less.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm starting to see where you gained your wisdom Deejo...

I'm wondering if I should move this thread over to general dating now? Seems with each new girl I meet, a new set of questions arise...and I cannot seem to make heads or tails of anything anymore.

So I decided to move on and forget about the last girl I was sort of seeing. It was just too complicated, and my life needs a lot less of that. So I decided to try online dating again. I reactivated my account, and within minutes I got an email from a fairly attractive young lady who seemed to be into all the same stuff I was...mostly music and festivals. 

We exchanged a few emails and quickly started texting and talking on the phone almost everyday...I mean, we really hit it off. So we decided last week, on my birthday, to meet up for the first time. So she came over to my apartment, we had a few drinks, listened to music, and she eventually kissed me. SHE kissed ME...wasn't expecting it at all. So, things got a little heated, and we end up in the bedroom. We both ended up calling into work the following morning and laying in bed all day. She left around 5 that afternoon.

She stopped over the following day and hung out for a few hours before she left for a camping trip. It was low key, we chatted a bit but nothing happened. 

I didn't hear from her the next few days, but I figured she was in the mountains, no reception, whatever. No big deal. So when she finally does text me back, its only 1 word responses. I knew something was wrong.

Anyways, she messaged me this morning and I asked her when I could see her again, that I had a lot of fun the other night and was looking forward to seeing her again. I get back "I don't know, we'll figure it out." Followed by "I'm not happy with the way things played out the other night." She finally tells me that "I'm really cool and that she had a lot of fun with me" but she is talking with someone else, and isn't sure where that's going.

Great.

Turns out she had been seeing a guy for a few months, but things got weird. She met me when she thought they were finished...well, they met up over the weekend and decided to give it another shot. So yeah, once again I get screwed over.

So, 2nd attempt with a dating site, 2nd failure. 0-2 is a good record, right?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Uhmmm ... she slept with you, how exactly is that a failure?

Failure is she meets you and runs away screaming.

I absolutely do not claim to hold the keys to success. What I can do is tell you how I framed and dealt with rejection.

Don't look at dating as a zero sum game. It isn't win/lose. It isn't 'she likes me, so I'm a winner' or 'she dumped me, I'm a loser'.

Only you can answer the question as to whether or not you come off as too eager, or if you suspect that you are making more of something than it is.

That girl? She's a headcase. Or she thinks you are a headcase. Do you doubt that for 1 minute? And more importantly, why beat yourself up by tying that possibility to your self-worth?

Don't go looking for your next relationship or soul-mate. Make sure you are good with your own soul first.

Keep at it. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Have fun. Take it in stride. Learn. Do not let someone you just met have an impact on your self-esteem, particularly once you recognize that they may be damaged or insane. 

Still don't know why you are looking at this in a bad light. Your first contact with someone online resulted in a date and sex. By most of your peers measure, you are batting 1000. Keeping with the baseball adage, you can't hit a home run every time you step up to the plate. You only need one home run to make you a hero, nobody cares how many times you walked or struck out previously.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Pls keep your options open, for most girls just want to have fun. They might seem friendly, intelligent and loving. Sometimes, it was just a game of Making -Sex- More Romantic. Their targets are explosive sex.
Therefore, you can act falling in their love games without actually in love with her UNTIL you're sure she's for real.
I know it because I did sms my OM same stuffs. The only difference was he refused to fall in my love game, so I didn't give him a f...lol 
Women want you to fall for them and be loving, listening and understanding, for great sex and for great fantasies. Lol, I shouldn't have told you this trick. However, there're still many more serious women out there looking for serious relationship. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> Just ask her this question: If I were Shrek who would you be? Donkey or Princess Fiona? If Princess Fiona -- say great. If Donkey, say I always needed a beast of burden.
> 
> You will know where you stand after that.
> 
> This is a gem from Atholk. I give credit to the deserving.


Thanks!

Married Man Sex Life: The Shrek, Donkey and Princess Fiona Relationship Game


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually I wouldn't call that a "loss" at all. From that experience you learned several, very good things:

1) Women can hit it off with you
2) Women find you attractive enough to sleep with
3) You can fall for someone pretty easily
4) Sometimes you can misread how "serious" it is
5) You tend to prefer someone leaning toward serious than leaning toward casual
6) You may prefer someone who'd like to lead toward a relationship
7) You have the ability to have feelings for someone (you're heart's not dead! YAY! )
8) She wasn't utterly open with you about her intentions
9) You didn't ask her what her intentions were! LOL
10) Intentions might be important to you...
11) There are cute women out there!
12) She has many of the qualities you want in a woman
13) She didn't have the hangups about you being "a friend" or a lover. You were a lover. 
14) You liked the emails, texting and phone calls
15) You don't like "complicated"
16) You'd like to meet someone who is completely AVAILABLE

So wow in just a few seconds I came up with all that just from what you wrote. I bet you could come up with a lot more because you were actually there!

So CGreene, it's not a win/lose. Every date will be a win because with every date you'll learn something valuable. It may be "I don't want to be with someone who only wants me for my studly body" :lol: but you'll learn SOMETHING. And you'll start to narrow down what you do and do not want in a person, the kinds of qualities you want in a woman whom you'd get serious with, etc. Sometimes the only thing you'll learn is "WOW! I want someone NOT like that!"  But you will learn. Combine that with what you've learned from your divorce and how you've grown, and 0-2 is a win...because you now know more.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks for that, I guess I really did need to look at it from a different perspective. Affaircare and Deejo, thanks you both. You both have been invaluable throughout this entire process. Its nice to have some advice from people who have been there, and not just feeding you lines to make you feel better.

I'm still alone, which I still have trouble with. I'm more comfortable in my skin now, and some of the confidence is coming back, but I cannot seem to shake the urge to try and turn every girl that looks at me into my next wife. Its ridiculous, and I know I'm doing it. I just can't seem to control it.

For example, I went on a blind date Saturday night with a young woman that has 2 children. Now, kids have always been a bit of a deal breaker to me, but I figured I would give it a shot. We went out to a haunted house, then stopped out at a bar where some mutual friends were, and ended the evening grabbing a quick bite to eat at a diner. It went pretty well, it was a little awkward being a first date, and a blind one at that...but at the end of the night she told me she had fun and we'd have to get together again soon.

So she messaged me Sunday, we chatted for a bit, and she told me she'd send me her work schedule later on that night. Well, she never did. Nor did I hear from her Monday. I asked her what she was up to last night, and she said she was going out with some friends.

No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the feeling that she is just not interested, and once that happens I tend to pull way back and wait and see. And it does effect my self esteem, even though I know I shouldn't let it. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong...I'm a bit old school with dates, I always open doors, pull out chairs, and refuse to let them pay for anything. I asked them out, its only right I pay...but I can't help but wonder if there is any truth to that whole "Woman love @$$holes" thing...

So I think I need some help here. I bought some "man up" books, and have been reading through them...but I still feel like I am just sort of stuck. How did others get over the insecurities?


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