# Should I leave? Its so hard



## BTYELLOW (Feb 16, 2018)

Hi everyone, I have been with my husband for 11 years, though married for 4 months. We have 2 children together and they are 9 and 7 years old. Just recently we have decided to try for another, though that is more what my husband wanted, and don't get me wrong I would like that too but have been held back because with the first two I felt like it was my life that changed not his... i.e. I would always get up at night and it held me back from seeing my friends yet although he was at home with them on weekends he would still see his friends and it was like his life did not change. Anyway, I want to know your opinion, on a fairly regular basis, he decides to take odd and got into town drinking and spending lots of money on the night out, not planning them just taking off. And then he blames it on me, and makes me feel like I am the bad guy. He will disappear and not come home until the early morning or whenever he wants. I hate this behaviour, and the main reason I am hesitant on another child is because of this. He is so lovely in our relationship but this is something I struggle to deal with. Does anyone else have this experience? What should I do? I am so sick of it. I should mention I have always been the worker because I have a good career and he has been the stay at home dad as he wants to do this and has no interest in working. I am at a loss because we have been together so long and I worry about our kids and us not being in a broken home. What do I do? Does someone who behaves this way actually respect the person he is with? What do I do?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

No, people do not behave this way with someone they respect. It sounds like he does not want to be married to you. Was he like this before the wedding 4 months ago? Why would he want another child if all he wants to do is berate you and party like he is not a father? The worst thing you could do is have another child with this man. Sorry to be so blunt. This is not working for you.


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## BTYELLOW (Feb 16, 2018)

Thanks Nicky, appreciate the advice  sucks though


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

BTYELLOW said:


> Hi everyone, I have been with my husband for 11 years, though married for 4 months. We have 2 children together and they are 9 and 7 years old. Just recently we have decided to try for another, though that is more what my husband wanted, and don't get me wrong I would like that too but have been held back because with the first two I felt like it was my life that changed not his... i.e. I would always get up at night and it held me back from seeing my friends yet although he was at home with them on weekends he would still see his friends and it was like his life did not change. Anyway, I want to know your opinion, on a fairly regular basis, he decides to take odd and got into town drinking and spending lots of money on the night out, not planning them just taking off. And then he blames it on me, and makes me feel like I am the bad guy. He will disappear and not come home until the early morning or whenever he wants. I hate this behaviour, and the main reason I am hesitant on another child is because of this. He is so lovely in our relationship but this is something I struggle to deal with. Does anyone else have this experience? What should I do? I am so sick of it. I should mention I have always been the worker because I have a good career and he has been the stay at home dad as he wants to do this and has no interest in working. I am at a loss because we have been together so long and I worry about our kids and us not being in a broken home. What do I do? Does someone who behaves this way actually respect the person he is with? What do I do?



- You've been living with him for 11 years common law

- Only married for the last 4 months

- you have 2 beautiful children together and are trying for a 3rd

- You felt raising the kids took too much of your time and life

- That's what happens when you chose to have kids.......

- He doesn't work and goes out, while you are raising the kids, unfair.

- DO NOT have more children with him. If he isn't willing to help raise the kids and that means no more going out to drink and hang with his friends, nuts to him.

- Talk with him about this. Tell him he shouldn't be going out and coming back early in the mornings, drinking, etc. He has kids to help raise and a wife that is lonely.....

- You are the bread winner, support the family, while he doesn't even work????

- In my books, he's not a man, he's a boy, isn't manning up, working and supporting you and the kids He's a lazy bum.

- He should be home always taking care of the kids and doing the chores, leaving you free to work.

- He is a bum and not a man.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

His behavior doesn't sound reasonable to me. It does not sound like he is sharing in all of life's chores - something that is expected in a marriage.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Sounds to me like he wants another child so he can continue to be the "stay at home dad" and not have to get a job.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Some guys will go as far as their leash is long. I go out sometimes with friends and so does my wife. However it's not a super common thing. Also I don't come home early in the morning. Also my wife can call me when she wants to. It sounds like he has been pushing the envelope. If you want to leave that of course up to you, but it's a shame to break up a family if that's the only major issue. You might want to schedule some date nights. Get a baby sitter and go out with him. In general I think it's bad when all your social time is spent away from your spouse. Everything of course depends on his willingness to compromise. Once he figures out you are willing to leave, he may actually start showing some flexibility


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Time for him to find a job!

Time for him to find a job


TIME FOR HIM TO FIND A JOB!


If you leave you will have to pay him suport.

But because you have only been married 4 months you might not have to. 

See a lawyer . You can get free consult . Write down all your questions. 

Then start with holding any money. When he complains tell him everybody has to work. Now that the kids are older he needs to contriubte to the finances.


If he melts down and acts violent in any way call the police and say your in fear of you life!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*His behavioral patterns shows exactly what a genuine lack of responsibility that he has!

There is no way imaginable that I would ever have another child with this guy until such time that he seriously cleans up his act, and behaves like a responsible father should act!*


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Time for him to find a job!
> 
> Time for him to find a job


I find this response interesting. It appears there are some issues with the OPs spouse, however if the OP was a man and he had posted this about is wife, I wonder if anyone would have responded in this way. There are in fact say at home dads in marriages that are working well.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> I find this response interesting. It appears there are some issues with the OPs spouse, however if the OP was a man and he had posted this about is wife, I wonder if anyone would have responded in this way. There are in fact say at home dads in marriages that are working well.


Its my responce to anybody that has a spouce who don't work.

My wife stayed home for 13yrs rasing two boys. 

She first said she would go back when they went to school but came up with excuse after excuse after excuse.

I finally had to threaten divorce after finding hidden credit card debt. For her to go back to work.


I do not advocate stay at home moms or dads.

It leaves the working spouce exposed to the risk of financial ruin if divorce happens.

The chance of divorce is about 50%

Everybody gas to make their own way in todays world and contribute fairly to the family finances.

Thats how I roll!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He doesn't sound much like a model dad right now.
Why would you want to make him one thrice over?

Staying at home is a decision hopefully you both made, but it doesn't mean that he can just do whatever he wants and not contribute.

It'd be best to hear his side too, but from what you describe I'm not sure why this is even weighing on your mind. It's your future, grasp the one you want.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> Anyway, I want to know your opinion, on a fairly regular basis, he decides to take odd and got into town drinking and spending lots of money on the night out, not planning them just taking off. And then he blames it on me, and makes me feel like I am the bad guy. He will disappear and not come home until the early morning or whenever he wants. I hate this behaviour, and the main reason I am hesitant on another child is because of this. He is so lovely in our relationship but this is something I struggle to deal with. Does anyone else have this experience? What should I do? I am so sick of it. I should mention I have always been the worker because I have a good career and he has been the stay at home dad as he wants to do this and has no interest in working. I am at a loss because we have been together so long and I worry about our kids and us not being in a broken home. What do I do? Does someone who behaves this way actually respect the person he is with? What do I do?


Why does Father of the Year want another kid? To justify staying home and continuing his lazy ass lifestyle of letting you support him because he has an infant to 'care' for during the day before his barhopping duties at night?

I wouldn't get a goldfish with this ass-clown.

And if his lazy ass 'doesn't want to work' then it should be *HIS* lazy ass getting up with the baby every night. 

Oh but _*wait*_ - Father of the Year likely won't be home to get up with the baby because he'll be out blowing money at the strip joint or at the pub or doing 'other' questionable things with his wife's money. So most unfortunately, this stirling example of top-notch parenting won't BE there to take care of the crying child he is _SO_ desirous of having.

You've stumped me with your comment, "he's lovely in the relationship..." _What_ relationship? You're his mother who supports him and gives him an allowance and he's basically your errant ass-hole teenager who refuses to grow up, is lazy and *completely* lacks ambition to make anything of himself in life, is utterly irresponsible, and expects his 'mommy' to support him while he's out acting like a self-entitled horse's ass spending his allowance.

What's so lovely about_ that_? 

I can *ONLY* assume he looks like Brad Pitt.

Or, he's the sole heir to millions of dollars from his Uncle Fred who is 97 years old and currently on life support - for now.

Back to he looks like Brad Pitt.

Those are the ONLY acceptable reasons why anyone would stay with *such* a loser.

Don't have another kid with Peter Pan. Hell, don't even get a goldfish with him - he's completely worthless.

Unless he's willing to completely clean his act up in the next 3 months, I'd kick his worthless ass out the door so hard his mother would feel it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He is a boy. 

He is not a man.

He is not husband or father material. 

You have chosen the wrong person to make a home and family with. 

Do not make this more difficult by bringing another child into this situation. 

Someone has to be the responsible adult and do the right thing here and that is obviously not going to be him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> I find this response interesting. It appears there are some issues with the OPs spouse, however if the OP was a man and he had posted this about is wife, I wonder if anyone would have responded in this way. There are in fact say at home dads in marriages that are working well.


The ONLY reason this miscreant is a 'stay at home dad' is NOT because he's Father of the Year, it's because he's lazy and *doesn't want to work* and has told the OP so. 

A lot of women sacrifice their careers or their need to feel 'productive' outside the home when they choose to be a SAHM. For many, being a SAHM is fulfilling but they've given up a lot to do it.

*This* fool isn't 'sacrificing' a damned thing. His choices were to go to work like a productive human being - which he DOESN'T want to do - or stay home with the kids. He chose door #2. But now that they're getting to the age where they're much more self efficient, he suddenly wants to have a baby. How much more transparent can this loser BE?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The ONLY reason this miscreant is a 'stay at home dad' is NOT because he's Father of the Year, it's because he's lazy and *doesn't want to work* and has told the OP so.
> 
> A lot of women sacrifice their careers or their need to feel 'productive' outside the home when they choose to be a SAHM. For many, being a SAHM is fulfilling but they've given up a lot to do it.
> 
> *This* fool isn't 'sacrificing' a damned thing. His choices were to go to work like a productive human being - which he DOESN'T want to do - or stay home with the kids. He chose door #2. But now that they're getting to the age where they're much more self efficient, he suddenly wants to have a baby. How much more transparent can this loser BE?


The reasons for someone being a SAHM vary with each person. It's really irrelevant to this situation. I'm sure many SAHMs don't want to do a regular job either. The OP's complaint was *not* that he didn't want to work. She had a litany of legitimate issues about his frequent socializing with his friends. Certainly those need to be addressed. Having him get a job isn't necessary the solution. Who's going to take care of the kids? Does the OP want to quit her job? I actually would find it harder to take care of kids than work a regular job.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> The reasons for someone being a SAHM vary with each person. It's really irrelevant to this situation. I'm sure many SAHMs don't want to do a regular job either. The OP's complaint was *not* that he didn't want to work. She had a litany of legitimate issues about his frequent socializing with his friends. Certainly those need to be addressed. Having him get a job isn't necessary the solution. Who's going to take care of the kids? Does the OP want to quit her job? I actually would find it harder to take care of kids than work a regular job.


You have to look at the bigger picture though and look at his behavior as a whole.

There is nothing wrong with being a SAHD and the simple fact of a man not working full time and staying home with the kids is not in and of itself an indicator of immaturity and irresponsibility. 

And there is nothing wrong with either a SAHM or a SAHD getting out of the house and meet up with some friends now and then and still have a life even though there are kids in the picture. 

But when taken as a whole, this situation is showing a general lack of responsibility and maturity and respect for the OP. 

He is basically living the life of an unemployed, single dude who babysits before and after school to make sure the kids don't burn the house down and don't starve.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But when taken as a whole, this situation is showing a general lack of responsibility and maturity and respect for the OP.
> 
> He is basically living the life of an unemployed, single dude who babysits before and after school to make sure the kids don't burn the house down and don't starve.


My point is you could make the exact same claim for a SAHM if she was pulling the same stunts, and you would get a lot fewer people saying her problem is she isn't working. How many people would say:

"She is basically living the life of an unemployed, single gal who babysits before and after school to make sure the kids don't burn the house down and don't starve."

Likely the main compliant would be she's out all night leaving her family at home which is a reasonable complaint. Yes this guy has some responsibility issues, but I don't know if the solution is him getting a job.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> My point is you could make the exact same claim for a SAHM if she was pulling the same stunts, and you would get a lot fewer people saying her problem is she isn't working. How many people would say:
> 
> "She is basically living the life of an unemployed, single gal who babysits before and after school to make sure the kids don't burn the house down and don't starve."
> 
> Likely the main compliant would be she's out all night leaving her family at home which is a reasonable complaint. Yes this guy has some responsibility issues, but I don't know if the solution is him getting a job.


Actually in similar situations where the wife is living as an unemployed, single woman and running around all night and living off her H's labor and leaving him holding the bag for all the adulting, people here including myself have encouraged the H to require her to get self supporting employment.

That just makes dollars and sense because if a spouse is gainfully employed and self supporting, that will lower or perhaps even eliminate paying spousal support. 

Yes their is definately more societal expectation for the man to work and more acceptance if SAHMs.

But the key factor in either case is responsibility and being present and being a contributing member to the home and family.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Personally I have no issues with stay at home moms or dads but it seems that you feel that there is no fair share of responsibilities. If you are doing more, being the only one who got up at nights, and he gets to go out while tou don’t, then this is not fair and it might be a bad idea to have another child with him.

And disappearing for drinking is certainly not right for a married man with kids.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He sounds like a man-boy.

Don't have another baby with him. Your work will increase!

Sit him down and tell him you expect him to get a job, figure out a schedule that is OK with you for when he can go out, how long and how much money he can spend, and which of the chores he is going to pick up.

That man-boy needs to grow up!

He is acting this way because there are no real consequences.

You've been with him for 11 years. When did he begin acting this way?


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## Tonto (Feb 17, 2018)

BTYELLOW said:


> Hi everyone, I have been with my husband for 11 years, though only married for 4 months. We have 2 children together and they are 9 and 7 years old. Just recently we have decided to try for another, though that is more what my husband wanted, and don't get me wrong I would like that too but have been held back because with the first two I felt like it was my life that changed not his... i.e. I would always get up at night and it held me back from seeing my friends yet although he was at home with them on weekends he would still see his friends and it was like his life did not change. Anyway, I want to know your opinion, on a fairly regular basis, he decides to take odd and got into town drinking and spending lots of money on the night out, not planning them just taking off. And then he blames it on me, and makes me feel like I am the bad guy. He will disappear and not come home until the early morning or whenever he wants. I hate this behaviour, and the main reason I am hesitant on another child is because of this. He is so lovely in our relationship but this is something I struggle to deal with. Does anyone else have this experience? What should I do? I am so sick of it. I should mention I have always been the worker because I have a good career and he has been the stay at home dad as he wants to do this and has no interest in working. I am at a loss because we have been together so long and I worry about our kids and us not being in a broken home. What do I do? Does someone who behaves this way actually respect the person he is with? What do I do?


It does not matter how many rugrats, you have, reading between the lines, your now husband has always been uncomfortable with your success, women live in the caves and breed, whilst the man kills antelope, Zebra's and other animals for food and clothing !! times have evolved, Women work in Fortune 500 companies, whilst their Partners/ Husbands work in the educational system/ legal aid system , keeping society alive.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

My husband goes out every once in awhile and is back by 12 or 1 which I think is early. I go out to dinner or theatre with some friends about once a month. Either one of us wouldn't dare stay out till wee early in the morning. It sounds like your husband has it too easy being at home. Perhaps he needs a job even if it's part-time. If you don't want another baby, then don't. Your the one that will be pregnant and working for 9 months. And then working and taking care of a baby afterward. But that is totally up to you.

If your thinking about leaving, defiantly don't have another baby. Sit him down and talk about him finding a part-time job. And also a curfew for a married man with kids. If there are no changes in a couple months then you'll know what you need to do.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

Hi BTYELLOW,

I have been (emotionally) exactly where you are. I completely turned my relationship around and I'm so grateful I didn't leave (I never wanted to leave). I did the work on myself that my marriage was showing me needed to be done and I'm such a better person because of it!

I suggest reading:
- The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle (visit LauraDoyle.org) - RUN DON'T WALK to get your copy!
- Anything by George Pransky (Pransky and Associates)
- Most importantly - DO NOT read psychology books. That is what kept me in misery! I know others are going to beat me up for this, but avoid things that diagnose, etc. That's totally unfair and an epidemic in our society right now!

I have faith that you can turn it around if that's what you want! I hope you do too!

Wishing you the best!

Kerry


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