# Why do we think we are the only one?



## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

my story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35699-iphone-fb-destroyed-my-marriage.html

obviously we know logically many people have been cheated on by spouses yet why is it we or at least I feel like I'm the only one going through this hell ride?


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Because people dont talk to you about it in person because of embarrassment, privacy and other issues.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Because it is such Hell, I didn't think anyone else could possible understand what I was going through.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> my story:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35699-iphone-fb-destroyed-my-marriage.html
> 
> obviously we know logically many people have been cheated on by spouses yet why is it we or at least I feel like I'm the only one going through this hell ride?


I'm pretty new. The short version of the story is we are doing couples therapy and the EA came out (The Therapist sniffed it out) anyway it was making me totally insane to only have WW and the Therapist to talk to but until I get a handle on things I don't want to announce it to the world (Friends family)

I had the chance to vent to my Doctor who told me that I probably could not believe how many people are experiencing the same thing. I read your story and would like to make one suggestion. The anger (level) is scary and acting that out would not help you or your kid(s) I talked to my doctor about depression (huge) and anxiety and there are some meds that help limit that to a mild roar. Talking to a therapist (yourself 1 on 1) can be a huge relief as well. Plus you can get some professional advice on all this.

Maybe getting her into a couples therapy thing would be a good place to "discover" what you know (Without her knowing how) and having an umpire to help sort it out without hurting your kids? I dunno... There seems to be a formula way to deal with this that I've not exactly gone by and my two cents are probably even less good but there you go. Good Luck and don't let this eat you alive - Take care (of yourself) & good luck.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

It's a great question. I read the stats on infidelity before but until I went through it I just didn't realize how prominent it was. Anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2 of relationships will deal with this issue. Really??? That means of 10 of my married friends, 3-5 of them are going to be in the same boat? Yet I can't talk to any of them about it....

Of my wife's friends though, during her EA and PA, one of her friends was actively cheating and the other is about to (or was about to until we started working with them). It's amazing how many marriages are in a state of soon to be failure. What really bothers me is how many people would betray their spouse.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

COguy said:


> Anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2 of relationships will deal with this issue. Really??? That means of 10 of my married friends, 3-5 of them are going to be in the same boat? Yet I can't talk to any of them about it.....


Those stats are the ones people know or find out about and are willing to admit....

If we know 50% of marriages end in divorce.... Taking EAs and PAs into account the number of couples where one of both commit infidelity at some point in the marriage is probably closer to 75%. Yeah that sounds like a solid guess... 3 of 4. Twisted thought huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I heard on the radio the other day that only one out of five affairs ever come to light, the rest go undetected. No idea where they got that stat. All this sh!t just shocks me.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

X-unknown said:


> I'm pretty new. The short version of the story is we are doing couples therapy and the EA came out (The Therapist sniffed it out) anyway it was making me totally insane to only have WW and the Therapist to talk to but until I get a handle on things I don't want to announce it to the world (Friends family)
> 
> I had the chance to vent to my Doctor who told me that I probably could not believe how many people are experiencing the same thing. I read your story and would like to make one suggestion. The anger (level) is scary and acting that out would not help you or your kid(s) I talked to my doctor about depression (huge) and anxiety and there are some meds that help limit that to a mild roar. Talking to a therapist (yourself 1 on 1) can be a huge relief as well. Plus you can get some professional advice on all this.
> 
> Maybe getting her into a couples therapy thing would be a good place to "discover" what you know (Without her knowing how) and having an umpire to help sort it out without hurting your kids? I dunno... There seems to be a formula way to deal with this that I've not exactly gone by and my two cents are probably even less good but there you go. Good Luck and don't let this eat you alive - Take care (of yourself) & good luck.


I don't mean to add any more anxiety on you, but just because she confessed to EA, do not believe it was only EA. It might have been PA. That's all I am going to say for now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Usually because when going through something like this, we ARE the only one within our circle. It's very isolating. This site is great because you see that you are not alone and people do understand. 

I hope you can find some peace


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I agree that most affairs get never found out. On top of that, many people tend to keep it as a family secret out of embarassment. So, the perception of the true impact of infidelity on the society overall is very underestimated.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

Why do we think we are the only one?

I definitely thought about this for a long time and also was convinced that it was just me. But why?

It is the ultimate pain, the worst thing one can do to another human being. So we assume that the majority of human beings with a "heart" would not even be capable of doing that. It must be just me, just a single case.

Unfortunately, statistics and the "dark area", where affairs are not even discovered, are speaking otherwise. Walking on the street, we constantly pass offenders and victims without even knowing it. It's almost like a virus, like the plague, spreading all over the place. Instead of physically dying, the victims die emotionally and if they can't take the pain anymore they might even take their own lifes.

The sad thing is, there seems to be no cure for it because it is so tempting. All it takes is the right place, the right person and the right situation and even the strongest person might fall for it.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Also, it has been found that women with past or ongoing affair tend to lie to survey questionaires to a substantial degree. This also contributes to the underestimation of infielity in the society.


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## Oregon38 (Sep 19, 2010)

sadcalifornian said:


> Also, it has been found that women with past or ongoing affair tend to lie to survey questionaires to a substantial degree. This also contributes to the underestimation of infielity in the society.


I bet, who would willingly admit that they are a moster that destroyed the lifes of the ones she supposedly loved the most?


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

COguy said:


> It's a great question. I read the stats on infidelity before but until I went through it I just didn't realize how prominent it was. Anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2 of relationships will deal with this issue. Really??? That means of 10 of my married friends, 3-5 of them are going to be in the same boat? Yet I can't talk to any of them about it....
> 
> Of my wife's friends though, during her EA and PA, one of her friends was actively cheating and the other is about to (or was about to until we started working with them). It's amazing how many marriages are in a state of soon to be failure. What really bothers me is how many people would betray their spouse.


When I first started trying to deal with this I thought about the people who I know are cheating (Or at least said they were) One has a rule that during a biz trip what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas *Other then the don't bring me any STDs. Actually two I know others that had that rule. A contractor who used to work for the company I was in but there was no "ok" from the spouse on doing this. Err ok, a third who also had an outstate "girl friend" The sad thing is that he (The WH) was offered R by the wife and he pretty much flipped a coin and ended up with a girlfriend who had no idea he was married. Another one (female) who was doing the boss. Err make that two who were doing the boss and the marriages in both cases went into the toilet. Maybe those stats really are right? I'm kinda sickened by the whole thing. But mostly surprised. I don't know about anyone else but the ability my WW has to lie to my face is a little surprising. Watch those eyes when they respond. Looking down or away is a pretty good "tell"


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> I don't mean to add any more anxiety on you, but just because she confessed to EA, do not believe it was only EA. It might have been PA. That's all I am going to say for now.


Well I might be too into my chick side but the EA is a bad enough deal. If she told me she went with her girl buds up north got drunk and woke up with a random guy I honestly think I would feel better then knowing that this has been going on for a long long time. And that everytime I started to sniff it out and told her this was really bugging me - she would keep at it without a break. When I knew that? I was really vomit level depressed. As to if this one got physical that was "no, never" to "he groped me" to "we just hugged a lot" to?? What next? I am hoping this next time it all comes out. This little bit at a time crap is pure torture and I don't think there is enough Valium in the world to keep me from going into a funk. Own it, Admit its bad and then we can start to work on it. Right now everything under the sun triggers me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As an airline pilot I spend a lot of hours chatting with my crewmembers in flight. We talk about everything. I am shocked at how many have stories of cheating wives. The incidence of cheating seems to easily be over 50% that I am aware of, which of course means that the actual rate of infidelity is a lot higher.

As soon as the topic of marriage is brought up, people seem pretty eager to discuss what has happened to them. They just don't want to be the first to bring up the topic.

I know of one pilot whose wife is European and gives him a free pass. Funny but he has no interest in taking advantage of it! The flight attendants are a much more sexually seeking group than pilots. A lot of FA's seem to get into the industry for the travel and social aspects, whereas pilots are in it for the flying and the (long gone now) good pay.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know from my experiences in real life, seeing many other marriages be destroyed by infidelity, that I was hoping that my wife would be the exception. I was quite proud of her. 

Consider yourself lucky if you go through life with a faithful partner because you're in the minority.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I knew this happened to people all over, some of my friends have even gone through it (though in most of those cases it was in the past at times when I wasn't close friends with them). I never once thought my spouse could cheat, and until it happened I could never have related to the shear pain of rejection and inadequacy an affair causes.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I know from my experiences in real life, seeing many other marriages be destroyed by infidelity, that I was hoping that my wife would be the exception. I was quite proud of her.


didn't we all.....



> Consider yourself lucky if you go through life with a faithful partner because you're in the minority.


amen...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> didn't we all.....
> 
> 
> 
> amen...


Mine fell for the now increasingly common, "Spouse reconnects with old high school flame through facebook" scenario.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Mine fell for the now increasingly common, "Spouse reconnects with old high school flame through facebook" scenario.


Same for my wife's EA. I'm not blaming FB for the infidelity, but sweet hell it sure makes it easier doesn't it?


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> I don't mean to add any more anxiety on you, but just because she confessed to EA, do not believe it was only EA. It might have been PA. That's all I am going to say for now.


Trust me I'm onto that. She has been letting out dribs and drabs and we already have heard nothing between us, it was ONLY an EA, he made a play, its only hugging, its only hugging and some groping. I'm fairly sure its going to end up being a lot more before its done. I think lying becomes the norm so it takes months (years?) to tell the truth. If ever. Anxiety? I'm in therapy and I'm medicated several ways to allow me to go to work and not flip out totally.


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