# How do I communicate to my husband that...



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I want him to be more physical and aggressive in bed?

I've tried explaining before that I'm the dominating/more aggressive one in our marriage but in bed I want to be the opposite and have him take over. Sometimes he kind of gets it but not really. For example last night we went to sleep. Sometimes we spoon which leads to other things. I grabbed his arm early morning to put it around me, he didnt know but I wasn't wearing anything underneath my short nightgown. Had he really spooned me and felt me he would have known that and I wanted him to just take over and control me from there, aggressively. But he was half asleep, or fully asleep, just slept there with his arm around me for about an hour. I got irritated and then moved it and said something about he doesn't get it or why do I have to tell him exactly what to do. Needless to say, nothing happened except I was just left frustrated for awhile. I don't know if its because I'm pregnant or not but when I'm in the mood I'm VERY in the mood and can't stop thinking about it. Its frustrating :-/. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You need to communicate more. You may think you are clearly telling him what you want, but probably you are being more whiny than assertive. It isn't fair to expect them to read our minds...if you have something you want, you have to be adult enough to clearly articulate it and not pout if he doesn't "get it", instead you tell him again, understanding that it is YOU who wasn't clear.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I want him to be more physical and aggressive in bed?
> 
> I've tried explaining before that I'm the dominating/more aggressive one in our marriage but in bed I want to be the opposite and have him take over. Sometimes he kind of gets it but not really. For example last night we went to sleep. Sometimes we spoon which leads to other things. I grabbed his arm early morning to put it around me, he didnt know but I wasn't wearing anything underneath my short nightgown. Had he really spooned me and felt me he would have known that and I wanted him to just take over and control me from there, aggressively. But he was half asleep, or fully asleep, just slept there with his arm around me for about an hour. I got irritated and then moved it and said something about he doesn't get it or why do I have to tell him exactly what to do. Needless to say, nothing happened except I was just left frustrated for awhile. I don't know if its because I'm pregnant or not but when I'm in the mood I'm VERY in the mood and can't stop thinking about it. Its frustrating :-/. Any advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes hon,you've just got to tell them what to do til they learn and make it part of their sexual skills 
He was half or fully asleep,it seems unfair to get aggravated with him for not feeling you up when he's out of it like that.

The only thing that worked for me with SO was being the aggressive one and basically showing him by example what I wanted.He eventually caught on that it was ok to show some aggression if he felt it at the moment.I didn't want manufactured passion or aggression.Thankfully,he does feel those things inside but wasn't sure how to show it.Now he knows how and it's not a problem anymore.
It sucks to have to tell them what you need but with some men it's necessary.They aren't mind readers.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'll be honest, im just now finding out my wife had some of those same desires but never told me about them. I don't know how you feel about visiting an "adult toy store". But both of you visiting that kind of store can help you get your point across even if you don't buy anything. Use the words "that looks like fun" or "that looks like it could be interesting", or "I wish you'd do that to me" as your roaming the store. 

You will get a sense of what he's willing to do now, and what he's not. You might also find out that he's been wishing theres things you'd do more. Its a two way street. Don't expect a huge jump in his willingness at first, but be willing to let him get comfortable with it over time. Once he's got it, maybe take another trip down, and see if either of you are willing it to take it to another level. 

Now im not saying take it TOO FAR, you will both have boundries, and that's GREAT, respect that. But be willing to explore each other a little more in respect to having some fun with each other. And not pressuring each other with "reaching" too far too fast.

Good luck, your spicing your marriage up!! not splitting it up.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> I want him to be more physical and aggressive in bed?


You have to communicate. You say you've told him. But verbal communication is only one form of communication. Use nonverbal communication, too. And be clear. And be blunt.

For example, the other posters were correct about you expecting him to burst wide awake, feel your lack of underwear, and immediately deduce that you wanted sex. As a man, here's is what I suggest you try to communicate that you want to be more submissive in bed.

When your husband is not in the room, either strip naked, or put on lingerie. Then, tie your hands and feet to the corners of the bed. Then, call for your husband. When he comes in, viola! He instantly understands that you want some submissive sex. No mind reading required. I guarantee that he will get the picture.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> You have to communicate. You say you've told him. But verbal communication is only one form of communication. Use nonverbal communication, too. And be clear. And be blunt.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Maybe get a few toys too.... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oatmeal (Mar 30, 2012)

I agree with other posters that you need to really talk to him about it. My wife is like this too, and to some extent it makes me very uncomfortable. You should have a safe word and boundaries and really talk about what you want.

Also. Avoid "topping from the bottom". Which means loosely that you are still in control even while pretending to be dominated. I hate hate hate that. If I go out of my comfort zone to play domination games with DW and then she micromanages how I'm doing it...doesn't work for me.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Ditto all of these responses about communication.

I know there are times when we really want sex...and marriage is about freely giving and receiving in this area. But if you focus too much on what you are "entitled" and treating your husband like a jerk for "not getting it"...then in fact, you are the one being the jerk.
I love ScarletBegonias advice...as it shows how a woman can take charge of her sexuality, and through positive reinforcement, ask for what you want, show how you want it, invite more of it. If all you get is angry and frustrated due to his poor performance...you are treating him with lower value...and then he will soon associate sex with you as a negative experience and will never take the power role that you desperately want.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Absolutely agree with all of the others that you need to clearly, and explicitly, communicate what you want, and what you want him to do.

Expecting that he should 'just get it' is a covert contract. You perceive that d, e, and f should happen as a result of your doing a, b , and c. Problem is that he is completely unaware of a, b, and c and what they are supposed to mean.

The description of your morning encounter is a perfect illustration.

My other suggestion would be that if you want him to start behaving in a more dominant or aggressive fashion in the bedroom, that you will need to get him to take the lead (occasionally) outside of the bedroom.

The more you actively empower him, the more he will generally empower himself.

Makes me cringe to type it, but basically you have trained him to behave and respond in a certain way. If you want new, and different behavior, than new and different training is likely required.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sometimes when I'm spooning with my wife the way you describe she'll whisper "maybe you should get the ties". Ya, that works. Doesn't hurt that we have a restraint system already set up between the mattresses.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> You have to communicate. You say you've told him. But verbal communication is only one form of communication. Use nonverbal communication, too. And be clear. And be blunt.
> 
> For example, the other posters were correct about you expecting him to burst wide awake, feel your lack of underwear, and immediately deduce that you wanted sex. As a man, here's is what I suggest you try to communicate that you want to be more submissive in bed.
> 
> When your husband is not in the room, either strip naked, or put on lingerie. Then, tie your hands and feet to the corners of the bed. Then, call for your husband. When he comes in, viola! He instantly understands that you want some submissive sex. No mind reading required. I guarantee that he will get the picture.


I guess doing this would be a bit scary to me (esp while pregnant LOL) but I could try something like this, maybe a little bit more discreet. It's hard with a kid around but I see what you mean. 



Oatmeal said:


> I agree with other posters that you need to really talk to him about it. My wife is like this too, and to some extent it makes me very uncomfortable. You should have a safe word and boundaries and really talk about what you want.
> 
> Also. Avoid "topping from the bottom". Which means loosely that you are still in control even while pretending to be dominated. I hate hate hate that. If I go out of my comfort zone to play domination games with DW and then she micromanages how I'm doing it...doesn't work for me.


This is so accurate and I didn't even realize I am doing this  I'm kind of mad at myself after reading this post because its true. I guess I need to communicate better myself, I thought I was doing a good job before this, maybe not. 



FormerSelf said:


> Ditto all of these responses about communication.
> 
> I know there are times when we really want sex...and marriage is about freely giving and receiving in this area. But if you focus too much on what you are "entitled" and treating your husband like a jerk for "not getting it"...then in fact, you are the one being the jerk.
> I love ScarletBegonias advice...as it shows how a woman can take charge of her sexuality, and through positive reinforcement, ask for what you want, show how you want it, invite more of it. If all you get is angry and frustrated due to his poor performance...you are treating him with lower value...and then he will soon associate sex with you as a negative experience and will never take the power role that you desperately want.


I completely agree with you and many times I do initiate sex but I wish he did more when I'm in the mood. I understand he was tired/asleep but its frustrating when I know soon as kid #1 gets up, it'll be nearly impossible to and honestly, many times I'm really in the mood in the morning. We talked after this morning, I apologized for taking it out on him and I think he gets why I was frustrated. I told him I have to do more on my part to 'let go'...



Deejo said:


> Absolutely agree with all of the others that you need to clearly, and explicitly, communicate what you want, and what you want him to do.
> 
> Expecting that he should 'just get it' is a covert contract. You perceive that d, e, and f should happen as a result of your doing a, b , and c. Problem is that he is completely unaware of a, b, and c and what they are supposed to mean.
> 
> ...


Yes I cringed reading that, I feel like I screwed up with my past actions. What is wrong with me!?!? I feel like I can't do anything right?



WorkingOnMe said:


> Sometimes when I'm spooning with my wife the way you describe she'll whisper "maybe you should get the ties". Ya, that works. Doesn't hurt that we have a restraint system already set up between the mattresses.



Well on a positive note, WHILE WRITING THIS, husband came out of shower, clean and smelling good and 'seduced' me, pretty directly I'd say too. So now that I'm back from 'time spent together'  I can say that I guess this is a positive direction. Husband said when all was said and done, that he is going to take control more, especially if that's what I like. Progress I think :smthumbup:


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Google "What Shamu taught me about a happy marriage" and apply to sex. First of all, come up to him and tell him how you want him to ravish you tonight. When he does it, use positive reinforcement, my dear. Make sure he knows how much you love it, how he is the greatest lover in the world, how much you are turned on when he is aggressive, tell him you would do it with him every day if he did that...that should work. Oh yes, while he is ravishing you make A Lot of noise.

We men can be trained you know.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Oops...posted this before I read your last post. However, the basic principle still applies!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Most guys are raised to treat women a certain way that doesnt translate well into the bedroom. We are taught to put you on a pedestal and cater to you. That caused me problems earlier in marraige that I could have easily avoided. There is a part of most men that wants to be aggressive in bed (myself included) but I needed to know that she was good with it before I could let my true nature come out. Its out now and is difficult to put that genie back in the bottle sometimes. Its rather like being addicted to crack (pun intended). Talk to him and let him know you are not only ok with it but that you desire it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

So I have an interesting adult toy store recollection.

In the past, we went a few times. My suggestion. He was all for it. We looked around, I commented on a few things. We bought a few of those things. 

I found out really recently (not in the context of sex, but a convo that led that way) that the reason none of that stuff ever came out of the box....
We BOTH wanted to be tied up! 

I craved the aggressiveness... and he preferred me to be that way.

Now, it's a big joke. I'm gonna spank you. No, that would make you horny. You should spank me. No, that would make me horny.
Oh, I'll just spank myself and we'll both be happy.

Anywhooo

If I had known that deep down he was preferrably submissive, I probably would not have married him. I totally read him wrong. Or he changed. If that is possible.

Next time around, the request for kinkier stuff is going to happen very early on.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I want him to be more physical and aggressive in bed?
> 
> I've tried explaining before that I'm the dominating/more aggressive one in our marriage but in bed I want to be the opposite and have him take over.


You want an aggressive, dominant man in the bedroom? Create an atmosphere where he's aggressive, and dominant outside of the bedroom. 

Otherwise you're going to have a damn near impossible task asking Mr. Mom to suddenly transform into Mr. T. The ability to sexually dominate and control a woman starts within how you feel in the overall relationship, not magically when the sex begins.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You want an aggressive, dominant man in the bedroom? Create an atmosphere where he's aggressive, and dominant outside of the bedroom.
> 
> Otherwise you're going to have a damn near impossible task asking Mr. Mom to suddenly transform into Mr. T. The ability to sexually dominate and control a woman starts within how you feel in the overall relationship, not magically when the sex begins.



So you're all saying to achieve this that I have to totally change my personality and dynamic with him outside the bedroom? That will be very hard to do. I'm sure I can at times and make some efforts but I don't know if I can completely change who I am :-/. Also, how does one go about doing this? Like examples? Its like changing everything about me but how do I do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You want an aggressive, dominant man in the bedroom? Create an atmosphere where he's aggressive, and dominant outside of the bedroom.
> 
> Otherwise you're going to have a damn near impossible task asking Mr. Mom to suddenly transform into Mr. T. The ability to sexually dominate and control a woman starts within how you feel in the overall relationship, not magically when the sex begins.


Also this kind of sucks because we have kids and I *like* that he is Mr. Mom at times and likes that he likes to take care of me too. So basically you're saying I have to completely give one up to get the other? Is there a middle ground? Happy medium? :scratchhead:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> So you're all saying to achieve this that I have to totally change my personality and dynamic with him outside the bedroom? That will be very hard to do. I'm sure I can at times and make some efforts but I don't know if I can completely change who I am :-/. Also, how does one go about doing this? Like examples? Its like changing everything about me but how do I do that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you are inherently a dominant person who needs to be the aggressive, dominant one in the relationship, than no don't change anything about yourself.

I'm simply saying that the price you're potentially paying is a submissive man in AND outside of the bedroom. Real dominance starts at the core of who a man is. He is the aggressor in the bedroom because he's the aggressor in the relationship. You don't sound like you want somebody who is just pretending to kinda, sorta take charge. Your OP paints a clear picture of a woman who is craving a man to just TAKE HER, hard, without "permission", and without being hand held or requested to do that. Fine, good, many women get off on that.

But how can you honest, realistically expect your man to be that to you in the bedroom when you are "wearing the pants", so to speak, in the marriage?

If you want to strike a happy medium you better start submitting somewhat and relenting the need to be the aggressor all the time. Because if you do not, you really aren't likely to turn your lamb of a man into a tiger in the bedroom. You're not living in reality if you expect, and demand, your man to be Mr. Nice Guy during the day, but then expect him to instantly grab you and plow your brains out as soon as the lights turn down.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Also, how does one go about doing this? Like examples? Its like changing everything about me but how do I do that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you make all or most of the decisions in the marriage? How much independence and autonomy does your husband have? Do you complain and nag a lot? Does your husband have a habit of going out of the way to do most things "your way"? Is he primarily concerned with pleasing you? Is he expected to put you, and the kids, first above himself at all times? Does he have male friends? If so does he hang out with them without you? Do you "win" most of the arguments? 

All of this is to find out exactly what you mean when you say you're the aggressive one in your relationship.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> If you are inherently a dominant person who need needs to be the aggressive, dominant one in the relationship, than no don't change anything about yourself.
> 
> I'm simply saying that the price you're potentially paying is a submissive man in AND outside of the bedroom. Real dominance starts at the core of who a man is. He is the aggressor in the bedroom because he's the aggressor in the relationship. You don't sound like you want somebody who is just pretending to kinda, sorta take charge. Your OP paints a clear picture of a woman who is craving a man to just TAKE HER, hard, without "permission", and without being hand held or requested to do that. Fine, good, many women get off on that.
> 
> ...



Gotcha, this makes more sense to me. I need to let go of some control outside for him to gain it, and it will translate into the bedroom too. Got it, I will have to work on this...


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Do you make all or most of the decisions in the marriage? How much independence and autonomy does your husband have? Do you complain and nag a lot? Does your husband have a habit of going out of the way to do most things "your way"? Is he primarily concerned with pleasing you? Is he expected to put you, and the kids, first above himself at all times? Does he have male friends? If so does he hang out with them without you? Do you "win" most of the arguments?
> 
> All of this is to find out exactly what you mean when you say you're the aggressive one in your relationship.


Honestly it is painful for me to answer this because the truth hurts  I make a lot of the decisions, yes I nag but am doing it less, sometimes he does go out of the way because I've nagged him so much about stuff, he does always want to please me but some of that was waaaay early on, like first started dating--like honestly I think he was this way to me before I had much to do with it, he does put me and the kids first (maybe some of this is from me, but honestly he thinks like this independent of me), he doesn't have many male friends (I just posted about this on TAM!  ) I used to win more arguments but now I realize its not about winning or I am better at being objective and let him have the upper hand with stuff (work in progress but it's getting better). So basically a lot of this is stuff *I* need to work on and I'm mad it took 7yrs to realize this. I just talked to him about this last night, I said I can't believe how I treated you in some ways the first 7yrs and I created problems with my misbehavior/lack of respect in some ways. His response to this is that we're both not perfect and he has issues to work on too and he appreciates the work I'm putting into myself as well.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You know our husbands are very alike right?
> 
> At 47 my husband decided to go get his T levels tested. He was VERY low. After a month of treatment he began to have more energy, his libido went through the roof and he's more dominate now.
> 
> ...


It's funny you mention this because when we did go to counseling together last year, the counselor suggested this to him and so he got tested...NORMAL! So at least that is out of the way. I don't know if this makes a difference but he grew up in a house where his mom did whatever to please his dad, his dad was abusive, my husband was the oldest child and did whatever to 'please' everyone and keep the peace  But we've been together 10+yrs and I know that he is more outgoing and open with me than anyone ever (I was his only relationship ever). But like I said, I'm going to work on letting him be 'dominant' in different aspects of our marriage and see how it goes over


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Okay so you've ruled that out.
> 
> So it's onto plan B which is what Jaquen is suggesting. What I'd suggest is simply offset his masculinity as often as possible. The more masculine you are the more feminine he will be. To change this means you need to be more feminine so he will take on the more masculine role.
> 
> ...


TY! This is helpful too :smthumbup:

I just wanted to add that I think a lot of this came from how I was raised. My mom was totally dominant in our whole household, she was the breadwinner by a lot, was a professional with her own practice and totally dictated everything in the house. My parents eventually divorced when I was a teen and my dad was never really very useful for anything :-\ and just disappeared from my life.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

My hubs was like this when we first got married and it aggravated the crap out of me. I held it in for the longest time and finally tried to give him hints. However that did not work and I just had to flat out tell him. In my mind I was saying "seriously, you do not get this after all my hints and crap....ugghhh", but the talk was the only thing that got through to his head. When I finally flat out told him, then he finally got it, but there was still another issue, he did not really know how to do that. I know laugh all you want, but it is true. I actually had to show him how to for a while and walk him through it, but after that he caught on and it is like wow now. So maybe that is what you are going to have to do with your hubs.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't necessarily buy that a man has to be mostly dominant in the relationship to be dominant in bed. I'm not a particularly dominant person in my relationship, but I enjoy sex and take what I want and I'm very dominant in bed. Sometimes we switch it up, but for the most part I tell her what to do and do what I want. Its obvious she loves it when I do. I've made it clear there are no boundaries though she trusts me not to go too crazy. Everyone has their limits.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I don't necessarily buy that a man has to be mostly dominant in the relationship to be dominant in bed. I'm not a particularly dominant person in my relationship, but I enjoy sex and take what I want and I'm very dominant in bed. Sometimes we switch it up, but for the most part I tell her what to do and do what I want. Its obvious she loves it when I do. I've made it clear there are no boundaries though she trusts me not to go too crazy. Everyone has their limits.


So you're a submissive husband in a household where your wife is the dominant leader in control?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yellowstar....this is a book about dialing down your masculine and passing it back to your husband, while you dial up your feminine.


Amazon.com: The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace (9780743204446): Laura Doyle: Books


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yellowstar....this is a book about dialing down your masculine and passing it back to your husband, while you dial up your feminine.
> 
> 
> Amazon.com: The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace (9780743204446): Laura Doyle: Books



Yes, got this on my amazon list! Someone on here mentioned it before, I'll definitely be reading it, thanks!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Cool. And be warned, you might find some of it isn't really for you...but the overall vibe of this book is very beneficial to feisty gals like you.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I want him to be more physical and aggressive in bed?


Re-read this, why would he be something in bed that he can not be or will not be out of bed?


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