# Threesome I don't want and my feelings about her past



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Third parties in long term relationships is playing with fire.... rarely works long term... especially when one of the parties feels how you are feeling (a desire for monogamy).

To be honest, I would be pretty concerned that she is pushing for this... when you don't give it to her, she will resent you for it, and may end up sneaking around to do it eventually.... especially when she is still in contact with this other woman. You may have a future cheater on your hands in this scenario.

Typically, I would think people that you have had sex with in the past, are off limits for contact when you are getting married... the fact that this woman is still in contact is not a good thing.

You and your fiance should discuss boundaries before you proceed with marriage.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Just put your foot down about your position and have an adult conversation about it you two should even continue.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You two are not compatible it’s that simple.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


I'm gonna have to go with "divorce her". Apparently I can't read, change that to "dump her".

You have told her that you do not want to do it, but she continues to bring it up hoping your answer will change. That is disrespectful.

She wants another girl, and chances are she's going to do it at some point - with or without you. Even if she "would never do that", you two are still incompatible. Being a **** is obviously something important to her, so let her go have all the vagina she wants - as a single woman.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Just put your foot down about your position and have an adult conversation about it you two should even continue.


I think this is right as you are totally against it let her know in no way are you ever going to change your mind , what we see often is people that don't shut that door down fully and end up giving the other person the idea they are not for it or against it , a door half open is the worst


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

She’s your fiancé. I would make sure she didn’t become your wife. So many red flags.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Sorry, @Adnan , your fiancé is not marriage material. You shook the wrong tree, drop that poisoned fruit, now go climb the wife tree across the street and find a real woman, who is wife and mother material, not the lucky loosey you have now.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Third parties in long term relationships is playing with fire.... rarely works long term... especially when one of the parties feels how you are feeling (a desire for monogamy).
> 
> To be honest, I would be pretty concerned that she is pushing for this... when you don't give it to her, she will resent you for it, and may end up sneaking around to do it eventually.... especially when she is still in contact with this other woman. You may have a future cheating on your hands in this scenario.
> 
> ...


I actually deleted and blocked any person I was ever intimate with once we got serious. She says the lady was her friend before they did anything and thinks it's I fair to ask me to disassociate from friends. We also have a different definition of friend. A friend to me is just that, to her friends can be people that they had sex with. I hate to feel insecure but damn


----------



## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Adnan said:


> I actually deleted and blocked any person I was ever intimate with once we got serious. She says the lady was her friend before they did anything and thinks it's I fair to ask me to disassociate from friends. We also have a different definition of friend. A friend to me is just that, to her friends can be people that they had sex with. I hate to feel insecure but damn


No offense, but she sounds like she would best be a friend for sex, not a dedicated relationship.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Adnan said:


> I actually deleted and blocked any person I was ever intimate with once we got serious. She says the lady was her friend before they did anything and thinks it's I fair to ask me to disassociate from friends. We also have a different definition of friend. A friend to me is just that, to her friends can be people that they had sex with. I hate to feel insecure but damn


I'm sure you could say the same about some of your ex-girlfriends, you were friends first and that changed when you had sex....

These are huge red-flags.

Does she hide her phone from you? Delete texts? I would actually already be concerned her fidelity.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Stick to your values. While I'd jump at the opportunity, and have done so a number of times, everyone is different. I think you may not be compatible for more than short-term dating, because you want very different things. Neither of you is wrong.


----------



## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

Set up boundaries, and enforce them. If you do not want to deal with this you do not have to.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’ve always looked at this as a safe way to cheat on the part of a spouse/partner who seems tempted to cheat (yes, that’s what I believe it’s usually about) without feeling guilty. “Well, you were there, too.” 

If you’re totally against it, then don’t compromise your values for your partner. If you lose her over it, then you know that you both weren’t right for each other. I know there are feelings involved, but that’s why you’re asking us, we can see the situation without emotion. Don’t do something you don’t want to do.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Adnan said:


> Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Your feelings are valid. IMO marrying this woman would be horrible mistake for you to make, the two of you are on totally different pages sexually. Look elsewhere and let her find the situation that floats her boat.


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You two are not compatible it’s that simple.


This.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I'll tell you what I would tell a woman whose fiancé came to her with this request: You do not ever have to explain or excuse your sexual preferences. No person should be bullied or coerced into sexual situations they don't like, EVER. You do not OWE your spouse your body. 

If this isn't something you are into, that is perfectly fine. It sounds like something she is into and is possibly not going to let go of. Just as you wouldn't want to have to pretend to like something you don't, you wouldn't want her to feel like she's making some huge sacrifice.

I won't go as far as to say that a woman who likes group sex isn't "wife material." 🙄 But I will say it sounds like she isn't YOUR wife material. You both need to find someone whose sexual tastes are in line with your own. Someone for whom sex is a meaningless physical release is fundamentally incompatible with someone who views it differently. Arguments can be made about who is right and who is wrong, but bottom line, if you want to build a life with someone this is a pretty big issue about which you should be on the same page. IMO.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Easy. Say no, or say yes.

You've given yourself away by throwing this on a forum, as such you've shown you aren't 100% against it.

Be honest with yourself there. If saying yes hadn't crossed your mind it wouldn't be an issue.

With only a fiance it has potential to not be the worst idea. But it's up to you. I would myself. Have, both girls single, one of which I was seriously dating. Worked out fine.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

She is non-monogamous and you are monogamous, and therefore not compatible for marriage. She is not a bad person, she just needs to find a man who is into swinging and group sex. Break it off with her, lick your wounds and go find a wife who is monogamous.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


This is the woman you’re considering marriage with? She’s clearly not monogamous.
I think your decision to marry her is incredibly poorly thought out and will end in a train wreck.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> This is the woman you’re considering marriage with? She’s clearly not monogamous.
> I think your decision to marry her is incredibly poorly thought out and will end in a train wreck.


And.......that is a real possibility


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Adnan said:


> she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband.


Ever wonder why the female friend's husband is an ex? Perhaps he didn't want a threesome either. You have already said no. That should be the end of it. If not, you may need to leave.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She is going to get laid weather you like it or not and either with or without your approval or knowledge.

Dump her …..


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She is a public utility.
Monogamy is not a way of life for her.
It is merely a suggestion. When convenient.
It's obvious that you both want different things, and she thinks that she can manipulate you into what she wants.
Unless you desire to be put through a Cuckold's training camp so that you can assume the position when married, you need to bounce and quick.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Your spouse is supposed make you feel safe from infidelity... I don't think she will ever be able to do that. You will always wonder what she is really thinking... it won't be any way to live....

Just wait until the day that she says she is going to hang with her special friend, or maybe take a weekend trip with her.... it is coming if you proceed....


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Adnan

How long have you two been in a relationship?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> You two are not compatible it’s that simple.


^^^This^^^^

It really is that simple.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


For all that the reasoning varies, I think there is actually a unanimous agreement here. As one who practices Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), I agree with all those who tell you that you have that right to want exclusivity in your marriage. What you don't have to right to is to demand that this woman provide it. If you go through with the marriage then that is what you are doing or allowing her to demand that you give up that exclusivity. It's one thing to engage in a mono/poly relationship and be willing not to have exclusivity while providing such. As long as it's a choice it's valid. But this is a key point for which there cannot be compromise.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Sounds like you shouldn't marry this person. You are clearly on different pages when it comes to something super important...sex. Each person has their own interests. She seems to really want to push you to do this. She may one day become bored of the sex life you do have, and always want more. It could be a recipe for disaster. I would think twice before marrying.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, you have your answers.....what are you going to do?


----------



## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Only advice i have is stand your ground and if she doesnt respect your boundaries, then you have your answer: youre both incompatible and shouldnt marry, shouldnt be together at all.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

This thread is raising some interesting "what would I have done" when it comes to my experience.


----------



## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Adnan said:


> And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy.


You're not alone in this. I think it's dumb, too. No 3rd parties allowed except for the cat sleeping on the bed who won't move lol. I'm not about to share my wife with anyone. 

I echo what others have said. Her desires do not align with yours. It's been fun to this point, but if you are looking for marriage she ain't it. Just wait until fair is fair and now she wants another guy in your bed.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're not going to marry this girl anyway, so what have you got to lose?


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

She is not one you can make a silk purse out of.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Don’t we tell children that they have agency over their own bodies and their own genitalia and that no one has the right to touch them without their consent and or do anything that makes them uncomfortable?

Well guess what? That applies to adults as well. You can decide who you do and who you do not stick your penis into.

If you don’t want to have a 3way with these chicks - then don’t. 

And you are right, you and your GF have very different beliefs and ideologies on something that is very important in a relationship (sexuality and mores). 

You may want to reconsider entering into any kind of legally binding relationship with her (ie engagement, marriage, cohabitation, children, shared financial accounts, joint property etc


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

The continuity of this relationship (so if married as if not) will be a source of frustation now and a promisse of resentful dissaster in the future.
For both.
You would both be better with compatible partners. Even being alone may be better than what you have now.
So make to both of you a loving favour and end it.
Best wishes.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?
[/QUOTE]

well, first of all, good for you to have solid moral values.

Yes, most guys fantasize about it and you are right, it's not for everyone. Additionally, and I am not saying if I was single I wouldn't want that (but not with anyone who is attached), it is in a way opening your marriage and that is the worst idea anyone can follow through on in my book. Additionally, it opens up many things

1) Will there be one day where she wants you to reciprocate and have a threesome with her and another man ? No way in hell but the guilt trip she would lay on you would be large.
2) Aren't you concerned with her loose attitude on sex ? If it's not a big deal for her (other than fun), her openness to cheating may be more real. Something to think about for the future
3) What if she likes it ? I mean a lot. Humans are imperfect. It could lead to cheating. Yes. It could also lead to STDs, unwanted pregnancies and other issues as well as the increased possibility of her falling for someone else.
4) This is a huge incompatibility. You are engaged to her, obviously with plans to get married. Have you taken that into consideration ?
5) Who is this other person anyway ?
and finally
6) Keep in mind, any relations she or her has outside the relationship, even if agreed to by the both of you, is still cheating. It's just cheating my consent. 

If I were you, I would be very concerned by her lack of concern about being exclusive, monogamous, intimate and emotional. I would put on pause any marriage, future plans until you make the determination of what you want to do about this


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Tdbo said:


> She is a public utility.


Now that's a good one right there!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Sounds like you are not sexually compatible. Understand she is never going to think about it the way you do. If you can't handle it, and I am not saying that is unreasonable, don't marry this women.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

bobert said:


> I'm gonna have to go with "divorce her". Apparently I can't read, change that to "dump her".
> 
> You have told her that you do not want to do it, but she continues to bring it up hoping your answer will change. That is disrespectful.
> 
> She wants another girl, and chances are she's going to do it at some point - with or without you. Even if she "would never do that", you two are still incompatible. Being a **** is obviously something important to her, so let her go have all the vagina she wants - as a single woman.


I agree with this.

I have always said that if you get married to someone who wants others of their own sex, the available cheating pool just doubled


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Adnan said:


> I actually deleted and blocked any person I was ever intimate with once we got serious. She says the lady was her friend before they did anything and thinks it's I fair to ask me to disassociate from friends. We also have a different definition of friend. A friend to me is just that, to her friends can be people that they had sex with. I hate to feel insecure but damn


Not sure why you did that. Maybe as an act to show her how serious you were in her. Those other people didn't create the situation you are in. If you blocked them because it was a bad breakup, I get it. But shrinking your own pool of potential supporters and penalizing people who didn't create this IMO is wrong. I may have some here who agree, some who disagree. I get along very well with a former girlfriend but would never go there again and she has helped out my wife and I alot. Chivalry can sometimes be self-damaging. But it's done.

Let me ask you a question. Did you ever consider where she got this attitude from ? What is the nature of her parent's marriage ? Are there FOO (origin ) disorders like did she grow up with an immoral family ?


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

So to give a little more insight she relocated to live near me, she says it's no problem that I don't want the threesome but once we were role playing. The role playing was boss and secretary and in our role play texts we talked about another employee. I thought it was just in character but afterwards she was like I still want to do it. I got upset, then considered it, I was having a wide range of emotions but stood firm on it. Now when we role play I try to stay away from the other woman ****


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Adnan said:


> So to give a little more insight she relocated to live near me, she says it's no problem that I don't want the threesome but once we were role playing. The role playing was boss and secretary and in our role play texts we talked about another employee. I thought it was just in character but afterwards she was like I still want to do it. I got upset, then considered it, I was having a wide range of emotions but stood firm on it. Now when we role play I try to stay away from the other woman ****


I would at least hold off on the wedding date and stay engaged for a while. See if she is going to drop this or if it will remain a part of her bucket list. If she keeps bringing it up, it will not be a good life for you.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

maquiscat said:


> I would at least hold off on the wedding date and stay engaged for a while. See if she is going to drop this or if it will remain a part of her bucket list. If she keeps bringing it up, it will not be a good life for you.


I really like this advice because she says that she is fine with our sex life. But she said this is her bucket list as the other threesome have been with someone else's man. She said she was never comfortable enough with a man she was in a relationship with doing the threesome for the fear of the man falling for the other woman.


----------



## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Grow some backbone and dump her. It'll be good for your confidence and self esteem. It's never going to work and deep down you know she's not for you.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Just tell her you are not interested and NO. This might be a problem going forward, so I would think twice about marrying her.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> I really like this advice because she says that she is fine with our sex life. But she said this is her bucket list as the other threesome have been with someone else's man. She said she was never comfortable enough with a man she was in a relationship with doing the threesome for the fear of the man falling for the other woman.


There are a couple different ways to look at that last sentence - 

- One is she feels safe and secure in your relationship and trusts you. 

- the other is she does not feel all that invested in you and does not respect you all that much and thinks that you have quite a bit lower SMV than her so that she has you lock, stock and barrel. 

So let me put that another way - if a woman is afraid of her man falling for another chick, it means that she thinks he has the higher SMV and will be able to get with other chicks. 

If she feels completely secure and does not have fear of him going for another chick, that means she thinks he (ie you) is lesser.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Your fiancee is showing you who she is before you tie the knot. You're a lucky man to get this valuable information with plenty of time to act on it. My advice to you would be to engage in the 3some and then break things off with the fiancee. She's for the streets.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also want to add that the fact she is considering this a Bucket List item is very significant. 

We all have kinky fantasies and wild ideas and flights of fancy. I have about 4,725 different sexual fantasies and crazy ideas in any given day. 

But BUCKET LIST item is something that you don't just want to do and don't just think it would be fun, but rather it is something that you do not think your life will be complete until you accomplish it and it is something that you are willing to invest great effort, risk and expense into carrying out. 

A Bucket List item is something you make a personal commitment to yourself to accomplish. 

This is not just a kink or fantasy for her. This is something she has made a personal commitment to herself to accomplish and she will not be content with her life until it is checked off. 

If you stand in the way of her doing this, she will either go around you and do it anyway,, or she will be resentful that you are keeping her from accomplishing something that has deep personal meaning for her. 

I am not judging her because being with 2 chicks and orgies etc was one of my life dreams as well (it was a dream but not even bucket list status for me) so I understand where she is coming from. 

But what YOU need to understand is that this is kind of one of her goals in life something that is very meaningful for her. 

And for you to have such a strong stanch against it, paints a very bright glowing picture that you two have completely different values and beliefs and moral stanches on something as fundamentally important as whether your relationship will be sexually exclusive or allow for sexual activities with others. 

This a wildly different set of mores and personal values.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I want to add something else. 

The whole reason we date is to spend time with someone and get to know them to see if they are a good match for you and that you share the same values and mores and have many of the same life goals and temperments and are each a good match for each other in what you want to accomplish in a relationship. 

You have found out that not only is she OK with bringing other people into the marital bed, but that it is actually a life goal of hers. 

So you tell us, is that compatible with your beliefs and values on marital sexuality????


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And i haven't seen anyone else mention it yet, but if she openly claims that an FMF 3way is one of her life goals,, is it that big of a stretch of the imagination that some day down the road that bringing another guy or even couples or groups home also?

If she actually used the term "lifestyle" websites in talking about how she has gotten with these other people, "lifestyle" is the term that swingers use to describe their activities. In other words, she is on swinger websites getting with swingers. 

Again, I am not judging her as I was a swinger myself for many years. I don't think she's a bad person for wanting to do this and she is at least being open and honest about her wishes here. 

But let's set the cute euphemisms aside here and call it what it is. She is on swinger websites having sex with swingers. 

Is that the relationship and the lifestyle that you picture for yourself?


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> I actually deleted and blocked any person I was ever intimate with once we got serious. She says the lady was her friend before they did anything and thinks it's I fair to ask me to disassociate from friends. We also have a different definition of friend. A friend to me is just that, to her friends can be people that they had sex with. I hate to feel insecure but damn


Very incompatible. My wife and I are both more like your GF, for both of us sex can be emotional and intimate and special, but most of the time it's about fun and pleasure. It's just a personality thing. Neither one of you will ever be truly happy here. You will always be looking for the deeper connection and intimacy and she will always be pushing boundaries and looking for more fun. You might try and talk yourself into the idea that she will change when she is married and has a kid or two, but you would be wrong, this is who she is she won't change. Eventually she will want to scratch that itch even if you are not involved or even know about it. That is the eventual outcome in your situation. There are plenty (the majority) of women who are like you and want that deeper more emotional connection with sex, your life will be much happier with one of them.


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

You've already stated your answer with it's not every man's fantasy and the idea repulses you. If you've been crystal clear with her on this point and she insists anyway, then it's time to make are hard decision. Stay or go.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

If you marry her, this will be something she will constantly keep bringing up. She may even go further and act it out without you knowing. She's showing you who she is now. Would you completely 100% trust her? 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> There are a couple different ways to look at that last sentence -
> 
> - One is she feels safe and secure in your relationship and trusts you.
> 
> ...


I asked this point and she said no she feels secure with me because she doesn't feel like I will walk away from her with the other person. And she suggests it be a random person not someone either of us knows


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Adnan said:


> I asked this point and she said no she feels secure with me because she doesn't feel like I will walk away from her with the other person. And she suggests it be a random person not someone either of us knows


If you want to do this, go ahead and do it, that’s totally ok. Seriously, you probably won’t marry this girl, so just go for it. Or maybe you learn something new about yourself and you DO marry her, who’s to say? Life is short, enjoy it.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Adnan said:


> I asked this point and she said no she feels secure with me because she doesn't feel like I will walk away from her with the other person. And she suggests it be a random person not someone either of us knows


Does she feel you may walk away from her just because she really WANTS to do this where you do not?


----------



## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

Adnan said:


> Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Be honest with her, and tell her that you're not turned on by the thought of a threesome. In fact, it's amajor turn off for you.

You're entitled to have definite "will not do" things in your sexual relationship (as is she). Be blunt, and tell her that a 3-way is a no, and to please respect your feelings about it. 
She needs to be told, in no uncertain terms. to stop mentioning it because you're tired of hearing about it, and your answer won't change. 

Boundaries should be respected, especially considering you view sex an intimacy that carries emotional weight. Good for you for not giving in to appease her, and compromising your belief system, and values.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

She continues to bring it up even after you have told her that you don't want to do it...

That is very telling...if she can't get you to go along with it , what's to stop her from doing it solo without your knowledge ?

Honestly , it's part of the Cheater Script... 
She will just keep pushing the issue , trying to get you to give in . 

If you marry , will you ever be able to trust her ?


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

So your fiancee has already cheated on you by having threesomes, which included another guy that have not included you, one to one sex with other women and I wager has probably been carousel riding with other men. If you`re still having sex with that woman, get tested for STDs. And if having unprotected with her you`ll be facing a whole heap of problems if she becomes pregnant. If she does become pregnant, get a DNA test to prove paternity before placing your name on a birth certificate.
Run for the hills because your so called fiancee has toned down the relationship to becoming a friend with benefits, she does not respect you and is not relationship material.
Fools do not listen to good advice or use common sense, they only learn by experience.
Nothing else to discuss as you probably know the score if you're fool enough to consider marrying that.
Good luck.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)




----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

syhoybenden said:


> She is not one you can make a silk purse out of.


Even if it rubs the lotion on its skin?


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


If it is something that puts you off or are not interested, then do NOT marry her. You WILL regret it. If you are like me, you'll likely see 3somes as basically cheating. So even if you don't engage in 3somes, the very mention of it by her basically says she wants more than a monogamous relationship. Even if she agrees to never engage or bring it up ever again, you'll know that in the back of her mind she really wants to do it. 
If you can handle that, well, that is up to you. 

But the mere mention of trying a 3some by someone I am seeing would be a one way ticket to the GTFO club.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Adnan said:



So to give a little more insight she relocated to live near me, she says it's no problem that I don't want the threesome but once we were role playing. The role playing was boss and secretary and in our role play texts we talked about another employee. I thought it was just in character but afterwards she was like I still want to do it. I got upset, then considered it, I was having a wide range of emotions but stood firm on it. Now when we role play I try to stay away from the other woman ****

Click to expand...

*I'm going on the assumption that you're not pulling our collective legs.

OP, don't be "that guy." The sap who posts a couple of years from now crying the blues because his sex-hound wife wants to bring everyone into the bedroom and has a line of willing partners forming out on the front porch. But of course by then, you'll own a house together and have other financial entanglements, maybe you'll have a kid by then, and dog, etc. etc. etc. 

And someone like me will ask you, "did you *know* she was like this BEFORE you married her?" and you'll have to admit that yes, you did, and you were stupid enough to marry her anyway hoping that she'd change.  And then you'll provide us with 384 different excuses for *why* you can't possibly leave her but the truth will really be that you're too afraid to do anything she doesn't give you permission to do.

Stop being so passive. I can see it in every word you type. If you're smart, you'll *re-think* marrying someone who CLEARLY isn't going to be content having one-on-one sex with you for the next 50 years. This situation has more red flags flapping than the starting line at the Indy 500 - don't be foolish and ignore them.


----------



## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

If I were in your shoes (and I admit to having no experience in this particular situation), I would not blame or shame my fiancee or imply that her view of sex and her wants and needs somehow make her a lesser person, either in general or lesser than you. However, you should be very clear that this is a very important boundary for you, to the extent that you do not accept it even in your fantasies, and would not, for example, be excited with "dirty talk" on this topic even if it were 100% clear that this is not happening in real life. Therefore she has to step back and think, carefully, if she could live in a relationship that works for you.
Of course, if her even thinking about it is a red line for you - respect your red lines, by all means, and act accordingly.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> Your fiancee is showing you who she is before you tie the knot. You're a lucky man to get this valuable information with plenty of time to act on it. My advice to you would be to engage in the 3some and then break things off with the fiancee. She's for the streets.


That idea is worse than her suggestion of a threesome. It would be deliberately using her and then dumping her. Disgusting, immoral, and unethical. Fortunately, I think the OP has higher moral character and values than you.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> That idea is worse than her suggestion of a threesome. It would be deliberately using her and then dumping her. Disgusting, immoral, and unethical. Fortunately, I think the OP has higher moral character and values than you.


If she puts so little value on sex, how would taking advantage of something she doesn't even value herself be taking advantage of her?

I'm just asking for a friend.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

umbluu said:


> Therefore she has to step back and think, carefully, if she could live in a relationship that works for you.


The trouble is even if she thought she could live monogamous, that obviously isnt her. So someday, probably sooner rather than later she is bound to jump the fence. What she says now is irrelevant.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> #1. I asked this point and she said no she feels secure with me because she doesn't feel like I will walk away from her with the other person.
> 
> 
> #2. And she suggests it be a random person not someone either of us knows


#1. In other words she sees you as an orbiter and a simp that will stand by her side no matter what she does. 

#2. Let's apply a wee bit of critical thinking to this. Are you an Adonis? Are you a rock star or a pro athlete a Chippendale or Calvin Kline underwear model? 

If not, does it seem likely that some random gal will just gladly show up at your door to have sex with you while your GF watches?? Do chicks do that?? (other than yours of course) 

If she brings a gal home, it's because SHE wants to rub up against the other chick and the other chick is doing it so she can rub up against her. 

Let's look at reality a little bit here. Women are taught from birth to not dress provocatively and always be aware of their surroundings and stay in groups, and they carry pepper spray and wrap their cars up into their fist when they are carrying groceries out to their car so they are not screwed involuntarily. 

So not only do women have the ability to have sex with virtually any man they want at any time and place they want, but they have to take defensive measures and have eyes out the back of their heads to keep from having forced sex with men they don't want. 

So does it make sense that some random stranger will come to your house to have sex with you unless there is some kind of other agenda involved?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Again, this situation will never be long term, with either woman, so treat it so and just have fun.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If she puts so little value on sex, how would taking advantage of something she doesn't even value herself be taking advantage of her?
> 
> I'm just asking for a friend.


Because she is still under the impression that they're in a relationship, so he'd be abusing her trust, using her, and lying about his intentions. She has not done any of that to him.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If she puts so little value on sex, how would taking advantage of something she doesn't even value herself be taking advantage of her?
> 
> I'm just asking for a friend.


It's not that she doesn't value sex. Sounds to me like she values it a lot. 

What she doesn't value is traditional monogamy and traditional gender roles. 

So whether he takes up the 3way offer and then dumps her depends on how congruent he is with his own values of sexuality and relationships. 

If he is courting a traditional relationship leading towards traditional, monogamous marriage, then engaging in something like this when he was hoping that she would be "The One" then this would be fairly traumatizing to him and the thought of going through with a 3way with some random stranger would be repulsive to him.

But if he has some Madonna/Wh0re Syndrome in him and he catagorizes women in terms of good vs bad and can take her off of his good-girl and potential wife list and instantly recatagorize her as a funtime girl, then he could do the 3way and then move on in search of the Nice Girl. 

It would take a bit of narcissism and sociopathy to do that.


----------



## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

---So does it make sense that some random stranger will come to your house to have sex with you unless there is some kind of other agenda involved? 

Sure, if the stranger is randomly selected from the general population it does not make sense. If the stranger is selected from the lifestyle site, then may be it does. But it is not relevant, as OP does not want to do it in the first place. He is a monogamous man. Some other participants seem to fantasize about threesomes, but not the OP.

I have mixed feeling about this. The fiancee is not hiding anything. She has an agenda, but maybe the agenda is what she says it is. So there is no reason, other than statistical, to think that she would lie to him in the future. Maybe she is a conscientious non-monogamist...

The OP, on the other hand, told her that he is "not interested". Sounds neutral to me. If he has not done so, he should really be clear that it is much more than "not interested" to him.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> Because she is still under the impression that they're in a relationship, so he'd be abusing her trust, using her, and lying about his intentions. She has not done any of that to him.


Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men the gatekeepers of relationships. She has withdrawn all value from what she brings to the table, isn't it fair he withdraws the value of what he does?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

gameopoly5 said:


> So your fiancee has already cheated on you by having threesomes, which included another guy that have not included you, one to one sex with other women and I wager has probably been carousel riding with other men. If you`re still having sex with that woman, get tested for STDs. And if having unprotected with her you`ll be facing a whole heap of problems if she becomes pregnant. If she does become pregnant, get a DNA test to prove paternity before placing your name on a birth certificate.


He hasn't said a word about her cheating at all. 

He stated her female encounters and 3ways were in the past.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> It's not that she doesn't value sex. Sounds to me like she values it a lot.
> 
> What she doesn't value is traditional monogamy and traditional gender roles.
> 
> ...


The most valuable thing a woman can give a man is her sexual fidelity. At this point we are arguing semantics. We can atomize concepts until we are arguing quarks. If she doesn't value sexual fidelity in a monogamous relationship, then in the macro, she doesn't value the concept of sex as defined in a monogamous relationship.

OP is only interested in a monogamous relationship.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men the gatekeepers of relationships. She has withdrawn all value from what she brings to the table, isn't it fair he withdraws the value of he does?


That's your opinion, but IMO it's not fair and it's not ethical. That does not seem to bother you, however.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

umbluu said:


> ---So does it make sense that some random stranger will come to your house to have sex with you unless there is some kind of other agenda involved?
> 
> Sure, if the stranger is randomly selected from the general population it does not make sense. If the stranger is selected from the lifestyle site, then may be it does. But it is not relevant, as OP does not want to do it in the first place. He is a monogamous man. Some other participants seem to fantasize about threesomes, but not the OP.
> 
> ...


The first question you always have to ask is if something makes sense. And if at first it does not make sense, then you need to look a little deeper and see what does make sense. 

Unless the OP is remarkably good looking as in the top 10 or even 5% of the male population, random, strange women are not just gonna show up on his doorstep to have sex and then go on their merry way. 

And if these women are coming from swinger sites, the chances do increase a bit however the percentage of women on a swinger site that are down for getting with strange couples probably makes up around 0.00001% of the general female population and having been in the swinger lifestyle for roughly a decade, I can attest that even the fattest, nastiest women on those sites are getting bombarded every single day by horny men and couples desperate for a lone female to join them. 

My point here is if the OP's GF is wanting to bring in another female and if a female accepts that invitation, assuming the OP is not Channing Tatum or Jason Momoa, it's primarily so the girls can rub on each other. Now they may offer him a BJ or something for being a good sport about it, and if he's good looking and sexy and assertive enough, some gal may even spread her legs. But a random off of an app or a website is most likely there to rub up against the GF. .... or paid cold cash. 

And I am not saying that the GF is a lier or a cheater or any kind of bad or lesser person. I spent 10 years of my life as a swinger myself so I am not judging her sexual preferences. 

I'm saying that her personal goals and sexual preferences and values are radically different from the OP's. 

He is not just uninterested in 3ways and would prefer traditional mongamy - he is repulsed and disgusted by it. 

And she is not just fantasizing about 3ways and think the idea sounds fun and intriguing - It is a lifestyle choice and a life goal of her's. 

It's not about cheating or lying because nothing thus far said has anything to do with cheating or deception. It's about a complete lack of shared sexual values and diametrically opposing sexual temperments and preferences.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The most valuable thing a woman can give a man is her sexual fidelity. At this point we are arguing semantics. We can atomize concepts until we are arguing quarks. If she doesn't value sexual fidelity in a monogamous relationship, then in the macro, she doesn't value the concept of sex as defined in a monogamous relationship.
> 
> OP is only interested in a monogamous relationship.


Yes the OP is only interested in a monogamous relationship. 

So by saying he should do the 3way and then dump her, doesn't that mean that you are encouraging him to compromise and violate his own mores and beliefs and values to hurt her for being a "Bad Girl" that doesn't value monogamy?

Do you see the contradiction?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> That's your opinion, but IMO it's not fair and it's not ethical. That does not seem to bother you, however.


IMO the “gatekeeper” comment is reductive and cynical. It’s pretty sad that people think that way. No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> That's your opinion, but IMO it's not fair and it's not ethical. That does not seem to bother you, however.


It actually does bother me since I'm not one for playing these games from either side, but she want's her cake and eat it. What I said is simply maintaining a balance of value, but the best course of action is to simply walk away.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> IMO the “gatekeeper” comment is reductive and cynical. It’s pretty sad that people think that way. No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages.


Reality in and of itself, stripped from emotion and fairy-tale can often be boiled down to very simple concepts. Call it reductive and cynical, but those terms does not subtract from the factual nature of the natural gender interaction as far as procreation is concerned.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Essentially, the plan is for _her to change_ into something she hasn't been in the past (completely monogamous) for the marriage to work.

When one person is expected to change for the marriage to work...That always works... at least 1% of the time.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Yes the OP is only interested in a monogamous relationship.
> 
> So by saying he should do the 3way and then dump her, doesn't that mean that you are encouraging him to compromise and violate his own mores and beliefs and values to hurt her for being a "Bad Girl" that doesn't value monogamy?
> 
> Do you see the contradiction?


If she does not bring her expected value to the relationship, should anyone expect him to still consider it a relationship?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> If she does not bring her expected value to the relationship, should anyone expect him to still consider it a relationship?


But the suggestion being proposed was that he do the 3way, bang the other chick and then dump her. 

I’ll go back to my previous post that it is about congruency.

If his beliefs and values are that sexuality should be contained within traditional monogamous relationships, then encouraging him to do the 3way and then dump her is encouraging him to violate his own values and compromise his own beliefs. 

If he’s having sex with other women, then dissolving the relationship, he’s compromised his own values on two counts.

And why??? For what reason is he to violate his own moral code?? 

To “punish” her for having a different set of values?? 

Is that where we want to be when Jesus comes back? 

Let’s keep in mind here that nothing said thus far indicates that she has been dishonest or deceptive or has cheated or has in any way used subterfuge or duress or here. 

Aren’t men always saying they want their GFs and wives to be more open and upfront with their wants and desires???

Well here it is!! She is being open and upfront and honest about her wants and desires - and now people are wanting her to be punished and hurt for them. 

He is in his right to not do the 3way and also in his right to dissolve the relation if he believes their sexual values are not compatible. 

But people are now encouraging him to intentionally hurt and punish her for those sexual values and are encouraging him to violate his own values to do so.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That's what I'm saying. 

So, threesome it is.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> Even if it rubs the lotion on its skin?


But it has been getting the hose again. A lot.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> Because she is still under the impression that they're in a relationship, so he'd be abusing her trust, using her, and lying about his intentions. She has not done any of that to him.


I don't know about that. I don't think he knows 10% of what his fiancée gets up to when they are apart. My take on why he is so reluctant to end things with her is because she is a wildcat in bed. She is most likely so because she has a 100+ body count that she would like to keep increasing. Those who are expert at sex are so because they have lots of sex with lots of different partners. He has been the happy recipient of her skills that were honed by having lots and lots of partners. Why would she settle down to just him? 

I agree with you that he needs to end things with her and not string her along, except I think he needs to do it to protect himself more than protect her feelings.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ArthurGPym said:


> I don't know about that. I don't think he knows 10% of what his fiancée gets up to when they are apart. My take on why he is so reluctant to end things with her is because she is a wildcat in bed. She is most likely so because she has a 100+ body count that she would like to keep increasing. Those who are expert at sex are so because they have lots of sex with lots of different partners. He has been the happy recipient of her skills that were honed by having lots and lots of partners. Why would she settle down to just him?
> 
> I agree with you that he needs to end things with her and not string her along, except I think he needs to do it to protect himself more than protect her feelings.


So the people here who have only been with one partner for the last 30 years are bad and unskilled in bed???

You're making some sweeping assumptions here that aren't really founded in reality. 

People that have had lots of sex partners are not necessarily all that good in bed and often aren't. And people that have had few sex partners are not by necessity inept. 

Now obviously she does not have a rigid, traditional view of sexuality and monogamy. 

The OP's beef has not been that she has been promiscuous or that she has been with a ton of people before him. 

The OP's beef is that she made him delete and block his prior lovers while continuing to maintain contact with her female lover. And that she is wanting to have a 3way with him and another chick. Those are his complaints and that is the information we have been provided with. 

Now do I think they are compatible on a very fundamental and critical aspect of a long term relationship? No, I do not. 

But I do disagree with the assumption people often make between number of bed partners and sexual skill and compatibility. 
People with low counts are not automatically sexually inept and incompetent. 

And people with high counts are not automatically sexual dynamos or skilled. Depending on the root cause of their promiscuity, some are in fact, quite dysfunctional.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> Because she is still under the impression that they're in a relationship, so he'd be abusing her trust, using her, and lying about his intentions. She has not done any of that to him.


I have found the last page or so of this thread to be an interesting level of hypocrisy and contradiction of ethics. 

The Bible Brigade and the Moral Police are touting that monogamy within a relationship is morally superior to nonmonogamy and the OP is morally superior to his nonmonogamous GF. 

But yet they want him to punish and hurt her through nonmonogamy by consenting to her wishes and then ending the relationship even though she has committed no foul within that relationship. 

That definitely sounds morally superior to me for sure. 

And I also wonder if you are correct in that is actually HIM that is being the less honest and forthright in this situation. 

She has been upfront and honest and forthcoming about her wishes and desires and her outlook on sexuality. 

But has HE??? 

Has he actually told her that he finds the idea of 3somes distasteful and unacceptable and not in accordance with his values and mores? 

Or when she has brought it up, has he simply shrugged his shoulders and maybe made some kind of silly excuse? 

Has he been honest that her continuing to bring it up has him questioning their relationship and their future together? 

She has a nontraditional view of relationship sexuality and a nontraditional sexual preference for sure. But nothing that has been presented thus far has showed her to be dishonest or unfaithful or deceptive in any way. 

Can he say the same??


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I have found the last page or so of this thread to be an interesting level of hypocrisy and contradiction of ethics.
> 
> The Bible Brigade and the Moral Police are touting that monogamy within a relationship is morally superior to nonmonogamy and the OP is morally superior to his nonmonogamous GF.


Oh I saw one person suggest that, unless I missed someone else saying that same thing, I don't think there is any kind of "brigade" or multiple members of the "police" suggesting he punish her by doing it then dumping her.

I don't advocate he do any such thing other than move on from this relationship. Their values are not compatible, and she'll never shed the desires she has, so he can't expect her to change. So he'll have to simply end the relationship.



> She has been upfront and honest and forthcoming about her wishes and desires and her outlook on sexuality.
> 
> But has HE???
> 
> Has he actually told her that he finds the idea of 3somes distasteful and unacceptable and not in accordance with his values and mores?


He said the idea repulses him, and that he told her he isn't interested, so I'm guessing he has told her. Either way, what he said he did tell her is that he isn't interested.

I'm willing to bet, as it is how I'd react, that he didn't just simply say that without signaling to her, or telling her outright, that it repulses him.

But you are correct, she was honest about it.



> She has a nontraditional view of relationship sexuality and a nontraditional sexual preference for sure. But nothing that has been presented thus far has showed her to be dishonest or unfaithful or deceptive in any way.
> 
> Can he say the same??


Why doubt him? Even though she did tell him about her 3some desires, I have no reason to believe him over her any less.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> So your fiancee has already cheated on you by having threesomes, which included another guy that have not included you, one to one sex with other women and I wager has probably been carousel riding with other men. If you`re still having sex with that woman, get tested for STDs. And if having unprotected with her you`ll be facing a whole heap of problems if she becomes pregnant. If she does become pregnant, get a DNA test to prove paternity before placing your name on a birth certificate.
> Run for the hills because your so called fiancee has toned down the relationship to becoming a friend with benefits, she does not respect you and is not relationship material.
> Fools do not listen to good advice or use common sense, they only learn by experience.
> Nothing else to discuss as you probably know the score if you're fool enough to consider marrying that.
> Good luck.


All this was done before we met


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Adnan said:


> I really like this advice because she says that she is fine with our sex life. But she said this is her bucket list as the other threesome have been with someone else's man. She said she was never comfortable enough with a man she was in a relationship with doing the threesome for the fear of the man falling for the other woman.


Evidently she isn't fine with your sex life or she would not be wanting this.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I have found the last page or so of this thread to be an interesting level of hypocrisy and contradiction of ethics.
> 
> The Bible Brigade and the Moral Police are touting that monogamy within a relationship is morally superior to nonmonogamy and the OP is morally superior to his nonmonogamous GF.
> 
> ...


So for fyi yes I have told her I think its nasty and someone that doesn't value themselves. I actually even relayed a story to her where a couple I knew engaged in a threesome and the man left his wife for the other woman. And in that scenario the husband was against it


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Adnan said:


> So for fyi yes I have told her I think its nasty and someone that doesn't value themselves. I actually even relayed a story to her where a couple I knew engaged in a threesome and the man left his wife for the other woman. And in that scenario the husband was against it


One example doesn't make for a valid generalization, but it does provide a cautionary tale of what _could_ go wrong. That guy could have left his wife for her even without the threesome. Usually, nothing goes wrong, as I can attest.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I know I have strong opinions that some people don't like, but I have gotten to that wonderful age where I don't give a f*ck how people feel about them, because I'm not out to impress anyone. 

Adnan, I am glad that you have set your boundary. One thing to remember is that *some *women who want these always start out with MFF threesomes, but after a while, if the partner acquiesces and engages in them, it will eventually evolve into MFM, and that is where it gets really dicey. I actually took part in one of these MFMs way back in my twenties and I have to say that I walked away from it feeling icky and gross. Nothing gay happened and I got off, but I also immediately cleaned up, got dressed and got the hell out of there. That experienced kind of soured me for ever having group sex again. 

All I am saying is pay attention to those alarms going off. The Creator or Nature or The Great Gazoo put those alarms into you for a reason: to protect you from future heartache. Men are far more intuitive than we are given credit for so always trust your gut. I predict you will not be with her for much longer.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> So for fyi yes I have told her I think its nasty and someone that doesn't value themselves. I actually even relayed a story to her where a couple I knew engaged in a threesome and the man left his wife for the other woman. And in that scenario the husband was against it


If you’ve stated your position on that, then she has your answer. 

If she continues to bring it up, then that tells you something about her as well.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ArthurGPym said:


> I know I have strong opinions that some people don't like, but I have gotten to that wonderful age where I don't give a f*ck how people feel about them, because I'm not out to impress anyone.
> 
> Adnan, I am glad that you have set your boundary. One thing to remember is that *some *women who want these always start out with MFF threesomes, but after a while, if the partner acquiesces and engages in them, it will eventually evolve into MFM, and that is where it gets really dicey. I actually took part in one of these MFMs way back in my twenties and I have to say that I walked away from it feeling icky and gross. Nothing gay happened and I got off, but I also immediately cleaned up, got dressed and got the hell out of there. That experienced kind of soured me for ever having group sex again.
> 
> All I am saying is pay attention to those alarms going off. The Creator or Nature or The Great Gazoo put those alarms into you for a reason: to protect you from future heartache. Men are far more intuitive than we are given credit for so always trust your gut. I predict you will not be with her for much longer.


Hopefully not or he will be in for some crap.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> That idea is worse than her suggestion of a threesome. It would be deliberately using her and then dumping her. Disgusting, immoral, and unethical. Fortunately, I think the OP has higher moral character and values than you.


How is it him using her if the whole thing was her idea? He would just be giving her what she asked for, nothing more. But then, does he really want to be married to that girl? I wouldn't.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

umbluu said:


> ---So does it make sense that some random stranger will come to your house to have sex with you unless there is some kind of other agenda involved?
> 
> Sure, if the stranger is randomly selected from the general population it does not make sense. If the stranger is selected from the lifestyle site, then may be it does. But it is not relevant, as OP does not want to do it in the first place. He is a monogamous man. Some other participants seem to fantasize about threesomes, but not the OP.
> 
> ...


Really she seems like an upfront and honest person. She is open about her desires and experiences and is comfortable discussing these types of things with her partner. She is the exact type of person who can very happily exist in a committed non-monogamous relationship. The big question is will she be happy in a strictly traditional monogamous relationship long term. It is a good possibility she will get the itch years down the road. Maybe she will have that one threeway with her man and say yep just like all the rest, mystery solved, and be done. But it seems to me she is very comfortable in the lifestyle and it may be best for both to find partners with matching values.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> The first question you always have to ask is if something makes sense. And if at first it does not make sense, then you need to look a little deeper and see what does make sense.
> 
> Unless the OP is remarkably good looking as in the top 10 or even 5% of the male population, random, strange women are not just gonna show up on his doorstep to have sex and then go on their merry way.
> 
> ...


Unicorns are special and magical creatures.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> How is it him using her if the whole thing was her idea? He would just be giving her what she asked for, nothing more. But then, does he really want to be married to that girl? I wouldn't.


Because it is intentionally setting her up to hurt her. 

He doesn't want to do the 3some in the first place, so if he were to go through with it to dump her at the end, then the intention is to do it for the purpose of causing her pain. 

Her sexual preferences may be different than a lot of other people's, but at least she isn't trying to punish anyone for their sexual preferences or to hurt anyone. 

If he were to do what some people are suggesting, that is exactly what he would be doing. 

Which is the ****tier thing here, asking consenting adults if they want to do a 3way? Or engaging in a 3way that they do not want to do for the purpose of causing the other pain?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Really she seems like an upfront and honest person. She is open about her desires and experiences and is comfortable discussing these types of things with her partner. She is the exact type of person who can very happily exist in a committed non-monogamous relationship. The big question is will she be happy in a strictly traditional monogamous relationship long term. It is a good possibility she will get the itch years down the road. Maybe she will have that one threeway with her man and say yep just like all the rest, mystery solved, and be done. But it seems to me she is very comfortable in the lifestyle and it may be best for both to find partners with matching values.


As I said in an earlier post - this is why we date. We date people so we can get to know them and see if they are the right match for us.



Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before.



And from the OP's very first few sentences, he is basically coming out and saying that they are not a good match. 

From his post, I am sensing anger and disdain in his posts. 

Makes me wonder if he had built up this image of her in his mind and as this is playing out, he is upset that she isn't what he was hoping for. 

It's ok to be disappointed and sad that things aren't working out. And it's ok to be bummed about going back to the drawing board and going back on the market. 

But anger and disdain are not going to be useful or helpful emotions.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Really she seems like an upfront and honest person. She is open about her desires and experiences and is comfortable discussing these types of things with her partner. She is the exact type of person who can very happily exist in a committed non-monogamous relationship. The big question is will she be happy in a strictly traditional monogamous relationship long term. It is a good possibility she will get the itch years down the road. Maybe she will have that one threeway with her man and say yep just like all the rest, mystery solved, and be done. But it seems to me she is very comfortable in the lifestyle and it may be best for both to find partners with matching values.


Are there actually couples who live longterm threesome / foursome whatever lives? How is that different from just single with lots of sexual partners? One, two, or more at a time. I would think OP already knows this fiance is not someone he ought to stay with. Not sure why she has any interest in marrying someone who would cramp her style. Whats in it for her?


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Because it is intentionally setting her up to hurt her.
> 
> He doesn't want to do the 3some in the first place, so if he were to go through with it to dump her at the end, then the intention is to do it for the purpose of causing her pain.
> 
> ...


She's not trying to hurt anyone? That's funny. Read the OP's initial post again. She keeps bringing up a 3some despite him saying he is not interested. How would you feel if your fiancee is sitting around thinking about banging other people all the time so much that she can't help but keep bugging you about it? She's already hurt him, which is why he's posting here in the first place. If she wanted a 3some, she could ask, but once he said no, she should drop it...she didn't. She's the exact type of bisexual girl everyone is talking about in the thread asking whether or not you'd date a bi person. If OP marries this girl, $10 says she cheats on the side because she wants that 3some so much.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> She's not trying to hurt anyone? That's funny. Read the OP's initial post again. She keeps bringing up a 3some despite him saying he is not interested. How would you feel if your fiancee is sitting around thinking about banging other people all the time so much that she can't help but keep bugging you about it? She's already hurt him, which is why he's posting here in the first place. If she wanted a 3some, she could ask, but once he said no, she should drop it...she didn't. She's the exact type of bisexual girl everyone is talking about in the thread asking whether or not you'd date a bi person. If OP marries this girl, $10 says she cheats on the side because she wants that 3some so much.


I've been consistent throughout the thread that they are not compatible and should not marry. I believe the OP himself realizes this, he is just needing some more time to process it. 

But no, I do not see her as intentionally inflicting pain and distress on anyone at all. 

I do not condone her continuing to ask him about it. I think she too is needing some time to process that he also is not the right match for her. 

But I do not see her as being maliscious in any way, where as if he were to do the 3way to dump her immediately afterwards as some are suggesting, that would be an act of malevolence. 

She obviously has very liberal and open attitude about sex and she has been with other people that have open and liberal views on sexuality, so in her mind she is probably having a little trouble connecting the dots that a guy would not want to have a 3way with two chicks. 

She SHOULD respect his boundaries and comfort zones better. But we live in a world where it is assumed men will jump on any sexual opportunity that comes their way without a second thought. We kind of have society to thank for that.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

Ok and a little more insight, when it was said to be on bucket list I wasn't aware of the previous threesomes so i gave it thought. I thought it was just her being with the woman friend. But being that it's not like it's something we can share as special since she already has done it just not with her man. She says she wants to see me let loose and have my way with another woman. That's when the repulsion set in like is that what she was.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Ok and a little more insight, when it was said to be on bucket list I wasn't aware of the previous threesomes so i gave it thought. I thought it was just her being with the woman friend. But being that it's not like it's something we can share as special since she already has done it just not with her man. She says she wants to see me let loose and have my way with another woman. That's when the repulsion set in like is that what she was.


So the trouble you're having isn't that she wants to have a threesome with you, the the fact that she had threesomes in the past.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> So the trouble you're having isn't that she wants to have a threesome with you, the the fact that she had threesomes in the past.


The trouble is it's something I'm against but being that it was presented as a bucket list I considered. Then when it was said she did it before then it's not anything sacred or a shared experience that I gain anything from. She has already done it just never with her man


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> The trouble is it's something I'm against but being that it was presented as a bucket list I considered. Then when it was said she did it before then it's not anything sacred or a shared experience that I gain anything from. She has already done it just never with her man


I was in the swinging lifestyle for about 10 years so I actually get where she is coming from and I understand her motives and I see why she views it differently with “her man” than she viewed it when she was the 3rd. I completely get her. 

BUT, it’s a completely different paradigm and in a galaxy far far away from your beliefs and values of relationship sexuality. 

You two simply have vastly differing views and values on sexuality. 

There is no foul or malfeasance here and no bad guy. She has been open and honest. 

You are just on two different wavelengths in regards to the role of sexuality in a relationship. 

She may be pretty and I’m sure she’s sexy and she may help find lost puppies and take care of crippled children and bake great pies with your grandma, but you have greatly differing views on something of fundamental importance in a marriage.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Because it is intentionally setting her up to hurt her.
> 
> He doesn't want to do the 3some in the first place, so if he were to go through with it to dump her at the end, then the intention is to do it for the purpose of causing her pain.
> 
> ...


It is gonna cause her pain, that she brought on herself, either way if he dumps her. But I would not do it because that is not the type of person I am. I would not do it, because it goes against my belief in what is a sound relationship. But I can understand throwing it back in her face for going there to begin with, but she can't unring that bell.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I was in the swinging lifestyle for about 10 years so I actually get where she is coming from and I understand her motives and I see why she views it differently with “her man” than she viewed it when she was the 3rd. I completely get her.
> 
> BUT, it’s a completely different paradigm and in a galaxy far far away from your beliefs and values of relationship sexuality.
> 
> ...


Please enlighten me on why it's so big for her to do with her man? I have been trying to figure this out. I asked her and she said because she never had a man she felt secure with doing that with.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Adnan said:


> The trouble is it's something I'm against but being that it was presented as a bucket list I considered. Then when it was said she did it before then it's not anything sacred or a shared experience that I gain anything from. She has already done it just never with her man


But if her fantasy is to do it with “her man,” it sounds like that isn’t you. Because you’d walk away immediately afterwards. You’d be using her the way all those other people were. The honest thing to do is tell her you can’t see a future with someone so different. That you’ll do it with her, but be honest and tell her you don’t have good feelings for/about her knowing this about her. It’s not the sexy, exciting thing to do, but she hasn’t done anything to hurt you. You may have specific opinions about her now and that’s your right, but to use her and toss her aside just for spite seems pretty cynical and mean.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> But if her fantasy is to do it with “her man,” it sounds like that isn’t you. Because you’d walk away immediately afterwards. You’d be using her the way all those other people were. The honest thing to do is tell her you can’t see a future with someone so different. That you’ll do it with her, but be honest and tell her you don’t have good feelings for/about her knowing this about her. It’s not the sexy, exciting thing to do, but she hasn’t done anything to hurt you. You may have specific opinions about her now and that’s your right, but to use her and toss her aside just for spite seems pretty cynical and mean.


Where did I say I would do that? I haven't said that, it's been implied in comments that, that's what I should do


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Adnan said:


> Where did I say I would do that? I haven't said that, it's been implied in comments that, that's what I should do


No you haven’t. There’s a lot of advice (bad IMO) to do that. I hope you wouldn’t do that to her. It’s so mean. She’s been honest, it was pretty brave of her to tell you that. She seems well intentioned, just not right for you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> It is gonna cause her pain, that she brought on herself, either way if he dumps her. But I would not do it because that is not the type of person I am. I would not do it, because it goes against my belief in what is a sound relationship. But I can understand throwing it back in her face for going there to begin with, but she can't unring that bell.


Wow really??? So this is what the divine favor turns us into? 

Hey I got an idea - let’s go find a gay bar and go beat up all the gays because they have different sexual interests than we do. Or should we just firebomb the place and burn them up alive, because after all they brought this on themselves because they like different things in bed than we do right? 

And then when we’re done with the gays, we should go after the Mormans and Islamics too because they have different ideas about marriage as well.

I mean they do deserve to be intentionally hurt because they have different preferences and practices so they bring it on themselves.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No you haven’t. There’s a lot of advice (bad IMO) to do that. I hope you wouldn’t do that to her. It’s so mean. She’s been honest, it was pretty brave of her to tell you that. She seems well intentioned, just not right for you.


I'm not that type of person, but isn't it wrong for her to continue to ask something I said no to?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Adnan said:


> I'm not that type of person, but isn't it wrong for her to continue to ask something I said no to?


Yes it is. It’s almost like she assumes because you’re a guy, you’d of course be into it. It’s rude, and that she won’t stop asking makes it seem like she won’t let it go ever. Its too bad, you guys aren’t a match. I wouldn’t waste too much more of your time on this relationship.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> I'm not that type of person, but isn't it wrong for her to continue to ask something I said no to?


If you have made your position and boundaries clear and she continues to pressure you about it, then yes it is.


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Adnan said:


> I'm not that type of person, but isn't it wrong for her to continue to ask something I said no to?


Yup. And her continuing to push is disrespectful.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Honesty is certainly a good thing.
Same communication, neither bad.
Even sooooooooo.......are rarely enough by themselves.
Just as a thought experiment (so excuse me the extreme analogy, called "border conditions" in some professions) let´s considere someone that honestly tells you that never loved / was attracted to you.

I know, better than a lie, to know it gives you individual agency to choose.
But this is more related to a personal virtue than to what makes a loving team to be of some value.
So in the context of a relationship, useless except for ending it.

I know, i know. she is not saying at all she don´t feel love for you (feel is the keyword).
She may even see her wishes as an act of love.
But the way she understand love may be not the same as yours.
Moreover and beyond each individual, how would some of us translate this in the meaning maker of the kind of relationship we would choose?
Not quite different than the original communication.
That is: "never loved / was attracted to you". But of course, honestly.

This said, I DO NOT judge her wishes in moral terms with abstraction of the kind of couple to be choosed.
Her prefferences are valid in an individually basis, and also valid whithin another kind of relationship

Seems that is not what the OP would choose for his life
Or even call it love cos (whithin an enthusiastically exclusive relationship) it means almost the opposite.

IMO, both deserve to be hapy but I doubt that this would happen together,


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Please enlighten me on why it's so big for her to do with her man? I have been trying to figure this out. I asked her and she said because she never had a man she felt secure with doing that with.


It's a different experience when you're part of the couple v. being the third. When you're the third you're leaving by yourself at the end of the night, when you're part of the couple it is an experience you shared with someone. It's just different.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> Please enlighten me on why it's so big for her to do with her man? I have been trying to figure this out. I asked her and she said because she never had a man she felt secure with doing that with.


Then that is her answer. She has already told you. 

I can explain from a swinger's perspective on why someone would want to experience a 3some with their own partner after being the 3rd in another couple's 3some. 

But what I can't do is make you agree with it or make you want to do it if you do not want to. 

So what my question to you is - even if I can explain it (Which I am not her and I am not a chick so it would not be an apples to apples comparison) will it actually change anything? Will it make you accept her for who and what she is? Will it make you be OK with bringing other people into your bed? Will it have any influence on your beliefs and values in regards to relationship sexuality and give you a greater understanding and acceptance of her sexuality?

Or will you weaponize it and use it against her even more?


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> It's a different experience when you're part of the couple v. being the third. When you're the third you're leaving by yourself at the end of the night, when you're part of the couple it is an experience you shared with someone. It's just different.


Honestly I think that messes with me to that even though it was her friend and she made it seem like some kind of slumber party. Talking about having snacks and food and ****. Just makes my skin crawl, and I guess the odd person out part that why she says it can be somebody we completely kick to the curve. It's like using something and discarding it and cuddling after but nope I'm not into it


oldshirt said:


> Then that is her answer. She has already told you.
> 
> I can explain from a swinger's perspective on why someone would want to experience a 3some with their own partner after being the 3rd in another couple's 3some.
> 
> ...


Nope just looking for clarity from someone who was involved sheesh


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Adnan said:


> The trouble is it's something I'm against but being that it was presented as a bucket list I considered. Then when it was said she did it before then it's not anything sacred or a shared experience that I gain anything from. She has already done it just never with her man


I had a GF once try to lend me to her BFF for a night to sleep with her. She was one like your GF that sex is just sex. I have emotion that came with the sex. So her wanting to have me screw another woman, verified she did not really give a crap about me. She verified that further when, "That was not my truck in her drive" or more exactly, not my tool in her garage! 

Luckily we partied ways and I have a great woman that does not want me or herself having sex with other people. She is as territorial and violently protective over me as I am with her.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Wow really??? So this is what the divine favor turns us into?
> 
> Hey I got an idea - let’s go find a gay bar and go beat up all the gays because they have different sexual interests than we do. Or should we just firebomb the place and burn them up alive, because after all they brought this on themselves because they like different things in bed than we do right?
> 
> ...


WTF that is thowed off logic there! 

I think if you keep persisting after you are told no about something by your SO and that they are adamantly opposed to the act, yes you brought it on yourself when they dump your ass for it in possibly the worst way.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

It sounds like an itch that she will eventually scratch. With or without you. 🤔 I think she keeps asking hoping that you will change your mind.

Are you going to marry her. Knowing that this isn't going to go away ?


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I don’t understand those who are defending this woman saying that she was honest woth him. Go back and reread his initial posts. She brought up threesomes as a bucket list, intimating that she had never done one before. Then when OP said he didn’t want to she continued to pressure him for one and then it subsequently came out that she did indeed have prior threesomes.

If not an outright lie, she definitely lied by deliberate omission. So at the very least she was being very manipulative. That’s gross and plenty of reason for him to part ways with her, above and beyond sexual incompatibility.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

True story. 25 years ago a friend decided to invite a male coworker to have a threesome with his wife. A first he and his wife were keen on the idea, believed it would bring in some excitement and enhance their marriage. So on one evening the male coworker turns up at their home. After some chat and getting his wife to know his coworker better, they went to their bedroom for what they considered was going to be an amazing sex session. 
When they were really into it my friend noticed that his wife was lapping it up with his coworker, in-fact my friend simply became an observer his wife treating him as if he wasn`t there. He also noticed that his wife was giving more of herself to his coworker more than she had ever done with him. Once they were done, they sat and had a coffee then the coworker went home. After he left the atmosphere between them could have been cut with a knife, my friend suddenly realising it was a bad idea. He could not erase the image of his wife going at it hammer and tongs with his coworker, and guess what, four months later he divorced his wife. So although this may appear a fantasy and thrilling in porn movies, it doesn`t work in real life and if in a relationship don`t bring any third parties into it because usually they don`t end well.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

ArthurGPym said:


> ...above and beyond sexual incompatibility.


Just my view about, few things can be above this one.
Honesty and related are mainly individual virtues. Important ones.
Even so, IMO views on sexuality, exclusivity and such are relational ones.
They make the "about what" stuff of honesty and the "about what" of deceive.
And "above and beyond" individuals, to whom.
That, the belonging to sexual / romantic (and related) "cultures" (not with my judgement about) may have better expanation power than individual virtues when about the happiness in mating.
So yes, the content is IMO "above and beyond" what is abstract of the "about".


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Can I have her number if you dump her ?


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Can I have her number if you dump her ?


How can I block you


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Can I have her number if you dump her ?


Best answer yet! My hero, I didn't think about that answer.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> How can I block you


By sending your friends phone number with the code cwut (see what you think)


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Adnan said:


> How can I block you


Tap on my name which will bring you to my personal info page. From there you can just press the ignore button 👍


----------



## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Adnan said:


> How can I block you


Open his profile and then click the ignore option.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Since the cat is out of the bag I think the only question left now is can you move past this? If you can get her to shut up about it will you be able to move forward with her? This is going to be the elephant in the room for years to come if you stay with her.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Not said:


> Since the cat is out of the bag I think the only question left now is can you move past this? If you can get her to shut up about it will you be able to move forward with her? This is going to be the elephant in the room for years to come if you stay with her.


The only way that the elephant is going anywhere is if she takes it with her upon her exit.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Adnan said:


> How can I block you


Well, he was joking...but if you are thinking of not dumping her, well....don't say we didn't warn you.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

drencrom said:


> Well, he was joking...but if you are thinking of not dumping her, well....don't say we didn't warn you.


This is the thing that really gets me with today's men. After OP getting all the info as to what kind of a woman he's getting into for a serious relationship, he's still there wondering and trying to get things through his head, when in reality, the moment that he found out about the type of woman she is there shouldn't have been any doubts in his mind as to where this relationship should be...either in the waste basket, or immediately changed to ****-buddies only.

Don't these men realize that this type of women eventually, after the years go by, that itch that they have been wanting to scratch will be scratched? Would you as a man like to take a chance and marry a woman like this, so that after some time when a mortgage, kids, cars are all part of the equation she will start doing it with your consent or not? Mother's nature first and most important tenet is one's survival in order to be able to ensure that your genes are the one's being passed on; therefore, I, me, mine comes first. We all need to be able to take care of ourselves first, before we carry on, otherwise you're putting yourself at disadvantage in the business of life. But in today's modern world men are becoming so frightening weak, unsecure. Unable to take a strong stance to what their guts are telling them. No wonder why a lot of today's women are more secure and confident in themselves, and have no bones in disrespecting their men in their face because they know that there will be little to none consequences coming from their weak men to their entitled attitudes. The dudes..? they just keep spinning their tails wondering which way to go. Sad. These things used to be such immediately strong deal breaker to men.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Adnan may I ask your age and your fiancés age?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> This is the thing that really gets me with today's men. After OP getting all the info as to what kind of a woman he's getting into for a serious relationship, he's still there wondering and trying to get things through his head, when in reality, the moment that he found out about the type of woman she is there shouldn't have been any doubts in his mind as to where this relationship should be...either in the waste basket, or immediately changed to ****-buddies only.
> 
> Don't these men realize that this type of women eventually, after the years go by, that itch that they have been wanting to scratch will be scratched? Would you as a man like to take a chance and marry a woman like this, so that after some time when a mortgage, kids, cars are all part of the equation she will start doing it with your consent or not? Mother's nature first and most important tenet is one's survival in order to be able to ensure that your genes are the one's being passed on; therefore, I, me, mine comes first. We all need to be able to take care of ourselves first, before we carry on, otherwise you're putting yourself at disadvantage in the business of life. But in today's modern world men are becoming so frightening weak, unsecure. Unable to take a strong stance to what their guts are telling them. No wonder why a lot of today's women are more secure and confident in themselves, and have no bones in disrespecting their men in their face because they know that there will be little to none consequences coming from their weak men to their entitled attitudes. The dudes..? they just keep spinning their tails wondering which way to go. Sad. These things used to be such immediately strong deal breaker to men.



I don’t think men of any era turned down bringing other women into the home.

But it’s all personal preference. if the OP does not want a chick that brings home other women, that’s his perogative.

He can send her to me and she can bring home as many chicks as she wants and if she wants to watch me with other women, I will oblige her as long as my heart holds out 😆


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> Adnan may I ask your age and your fiancés age?


I'm 40 she is 43


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> I'm 40 she is 43


So in other words a full grown adult woman and not some ditzy 22 year old fresh out of the college party life wanting to keep having fun. 

This is something she wants to do as a lifestyle choice and not just some wild idea of a young party chick.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> So in other words a full grown adult woman and not some ditzy 22 year old fresh out of the college party life wanting to keep having fun.
> 
> This is something she wants to do as a lifestyle choice and not just some wild idea of a young party chick.


Yes as she has done things with random women from websites before then immediately blocked them after, or her "friend" and friend ex husband. But never have with her man and says she just wants to do it once as a couple


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Yes as she has done things with random women from websites before then immediately blocked them after, or her "friend" and friend ex husband. But never have with her man and says she just wants to do it once as a couple


Why aren't you just going ahead with it?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


You two aren't on the same page with sex, not even close. And she is badgering you into something you don't want. You simply aren't compatible, time to move on before making the mistake of marrying this woman.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why aren't you just going ahead with it?


Because I look at sex as emotional and soul tying, and seeing someone else with my woman and please my woman will make me look at her different and most likely walk the **** away


----------



## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Just a few of my thoughts: I think it is great that she is willing to be open and honest with you. That is a good attribute.

The way she want to use another woman and then send her packing does not reflect well on her. (I know if the other woman is OK with it... everyone is a consenting adult...yada yada.) No matter how you spin it, the way you presented her intention does not look good.

I will also add my voice to the group that thinks you two are just not right for each other.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Honestly I think that messes with me to that even though it was her friend and she made it seem like some kind of slumber party. Talking about having snacks and food and ****. Just makes my skin crawl, and I guess the odd person out part that why she says it can be somebody we completely kick to the curve. It's like using something and discarding it and cuddling after but nope I'm not into it
> 
> Nope just looking for clarity from someone who was involved sheesh


What you describe is your girlfriend was a unicorn. Thats the term used for single women who participates in threesomes with couples. People in the lifestyle have all different approaches and things they participate in, my wife and I went through a period of 5-6 years during which we had a bunch of threesomes with women. We only did this if we were away from home on vacation. This is to remove the possibility of running into the third in real life. On the swingers sites an attractive unicorn is hard to find, most of the profiles claiming to be so are usually some guy looking for spank material. There is no standard every experience is different. I will tell you from experience a threesome with 2 women who like playing with other women but rarely do, is not all that fun for the guy, you're not the center of attention most of the time, you're more like a living sex toy. After 6 or 7 times I was kind of bored by it. You can't go into it with expectations as there are three people who might all have different desires for how it will go. So what your GF should understand, since she is experienced, is her fantasy is likely not going to be the reality. 

I would put the chances of it being satisfying for her at maybe 5%. Clearly this is something you have no interest in, it will be awkward as hell for everyone, and you will probably feel very bad about it after the fact. 

Your girlfriend is probably asking over and over because in her horny head she's think what guy wouldn't want a threesome. It is probably something that will always sit at the surface unless she has a serious drop in sex drive.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Because I look at sex as emotional and soul tying, and seeing someone else with my woman and please my woman will make me look at her different and most likely walk the **** away


Then that's your answer. Good for you. 

However if you're not walking away now your actions show you're interested. It's showing her your interested.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Adnan said:


> I'm 40 she is 43


She is old enough to understand that no means no. There is zero excuse for her badgering you. It's bullying and speaks to her character. I'm sorry, this isn't the one for you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> Because I look at sex as emotional and soul tying, and seeing someone else with my woman and please my woman will make me look at her different and most likely walk the **** away


You also are a full grown man with agency over your own life and your own sexuality. You’re not some horny 18 year old that’s afraid if you rock the boat with your GF in any way that you’ll never get laid again ( at least I hope you don’t think in that manner) 

So you’re just simply going to have to make a decision and take a stand. 

Either decline the 3way and live with the results or do the 3way and live with the results. 

There is no other solution that we can offer. There is no magic phrase or magic pixie dust that will turn her into a monogamous heterosexual that has no attraction or desire for other woman or that will make her not want to have a 3some. 

She has told you to your face that this is a bucket list item for her so there it is.

You choice is yay or nay. 

Either choice will result in an outcome and have its own set of rewards and consequences. 

At the end of the day you’re always going to have to live with yourself and you’ll always have to see yourself in the mirror.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Because I look at sex as emotional and soul tying, and seeing someone else with my woman and please my woman will make me look at her different and most likely walk the **** away


*All* sex, pre marriage with different women while you get to know each other, isn't all emotional and soul tying as you say. It just isn't.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Adnan said:


> Honestly I think that messes with me to that even though it was her friend and she made it seem like some kind of slumber party. Talking about having snacks and food and ****. Just makes my skin crawl, and I guess the odd person out part that why she says it can be somebody we completely kick to the curve. It's like using something and discarding it and cuddling after but nope I'm not into it


She obviously places little value on the exclusivity of her sexuality, and sexuality in general. If that is in complete opposition to you values then why stick with her? I find it hard to believe that anyone that thinks this way will remain faithful


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She obviously places little value on the exclusivity of her sexuality, and sexuality in general. If that is in complete opposition to you values then why stick with her? I find it hard to believe that anyone that thinks this way will remain faithful


This is my point too.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> However if you're not walking away now your actions show you're interested. It's showing her your interested.


Not true. 

My wife wants to add an addition to the house. 

I said no.

I didn’t divorce her because she wants a bigger house and I don’t. 

If she wants to divorce me because I won’t pay for an addition, that is her perogative and on her. But if I am otherwise ok the marriage but simply don’t want to do an addition, I am not obligated to divorce her and me staying within the marriage does not mean that I ultimately do want the addition. 

They may or may not be sexually compatible. They may or may not both be better off with other people. 

If she wants to live that lifestyle and he won’t accommodate her, she is in her right and perogative to leave him. 

If he feels she is not the right match for him, he is in his right to dissolve the relationship as well. 

But his remaining in the relationship after declining does NOT mean that he is consenting to the 3way or that he actually is interested in it.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> What you describe is your girlfriend was a unicorn. Thats the term used for single women who participates in threesomes with couples. People in the lifestyle have all different approaches and things they participate in, my wife and I went through a period of 5-6 years during which we had a bunch of threesomes with women. We only did this if we were away from home on vacation. This is to remove the possibility of running into the third in real life. On the swingers sites an attractive unicorn is hard to find, most of the profiles claiming to be so are usually some guy looking for spank material. There is no standard every experience is different. I will tell you from experience a threesome with 2 women who like playing with other women but rarely do, is not all that fun for the guy, you're not the center of attention most of the time, you're more like a living sex toy. After 6 or 7 times I was kind of bored by it. You can't go into it with expectations as there are three people who might all have different desires for how it will go. So what your GF should understand, since she is experienced, is her fantasy is likely not going to be the reality.
> 
> I would put the chances of it being satisfying for her at maybe 5%. Clearly this is something you have no interest in, it will be awkward as hell for everyone, and you will probably feel very bad about it after the fact.
> 
> Your girlfriend is probably asking over and over because in her horny head she's think what guy wouldn't want a threesome. It is probably something that will always sit at the surface unless she has a serious drop in sex drive.


Honestly you are hitting the nail on the head, she suggests that it's on vacation and we are away from home. She also suggest we smoke some weed to loosen me up, I tell her I know it's going to be awkward and I will probably end up in the hotel bathroom with the shower running to drown out the sounds until they are done.


Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *All* sex, pre marriage with different women while you get to know each other, isn't all emotional and soul tying as you say. It just isn't.


I only have been intimate with women I was in relationship with, no one niters or fwb. Just not how I'm wired. Yes some people can **** someone and walk past them the next day like they don't exist not me.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Not true.
> 
> My wife wants to add an addition to the house.
> 
> ...


Thank you


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Adnan said:


> Because I look at sex as emotional and soul tying, and seeing someone else with my woman and please my woman will make me look at her different and most likely walk the **** away


Her point of view about sex is fully ingrained in her given that she is 43. This is who she is and it is apparent that it isn't aligned with how you think. Sex is a big part of marriage, so are you willing to marry someone that is totally incompatible with you in such a significant way? What is it that has kept you from walking away?


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You also are a full grown man with agency over your own life and your own sexuality. You’re not some horny 18 year old that’s afraid if you rock the boat with your GF in any way that you’ll never get laid again ( at least I hope you don’t think in that manner)
> 
> So you’re just simply going to have to make a decision and take a stand.
> 
> ...


And this is where I'm at she hasn't mentioned it since I told her I didn't want it since it wasn't anything sacred in my eyes. I'm just living with the thought of is this itch for women and things gonna be an issue down the line. She says it isn't and she is completely fine with us. States it's just what she always wanted to be able to share with her husband. So it's like do it and then I will end up leaving. Don't do it and she may possibly leave or do it behind my back.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Adnan said:


> And this is where I'm at she hasn't mentioned it since I told her I didn't want it since it wasn't anything sacred in my eyes. I'm just living with the thought of is this itch for women and things gonna be an issue down the line. She says it isn't and she is completely fine with us. States it's just what she always wanted to be able to share with her husband. So it's like do it and then I will end up leaving. Don't do it and she may possibly leave or do it behind my back.


Well, if she is being completely honest, then she can't check this off her bucket list behind your back, since you are a key component.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Her point of view about sex is fully ingrained in her given that she is 43. This is who she is and it is apparent that it isn't aligned with how you think. Sex is a big part of marriage, so are you willing to marry someone that is totally incompatible with you in such a significant way? What is it that has kept you from walking away?


Because that one thing is literally the only real thing we have ever had a discussion on that didn't align with each other. It's like you go to a five star restaurant and everything is great food, service, ambience but your glass is chipped


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Adnan said:


> Because that one thing is literally the only real thing we have ever had a discussion on that didn't align with each other. It's like you go to a five star restaurant and everything is great food, service, ambience but your glass is chipped


You are in the best position to determine if this is something she can really set aside and live without. As I said, she really can't do what she has asked for behind your back.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> Yes as she has done things with random women from websites before then immediately blocked them after,


This actually concerns me more than anything else that has been said thus far.

IMHO this shows a degree of sociopathy and emotional instability.

She is basically having an erotic and intimate encounter with someone, then completely excising them out of her life immediately.

She is seeking intimacy from them, then turning around and are disgusted and revolted by them and the experience.

These are the people that have bodies buried under their crawlspace. 

It is the Black Widow that mates and then kills. (Since she’s not actually killing them but cutting them completely out of her life immediately after, she’s more like a Brown Recluse) 

More importantly, this may end up being you. 

You may comply with her requests, but if she feels a sense of disgust and revulsion and shame afterwards, you may be the one deleted and blocked out of her life the next morning.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> This actually concerns me more than anything else that has been said thus far.
> 
> IMHO this shows a degree of sociopathy and emotional instability.
> 
> ...


But @Adnan, I want you to see the disconnect and contradiction here - 

You see sex as intimate and bonding and something special and sacred between two people.

She seeks sex with someone, then immediately cuts them out of her life.

Think about that for a moment.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Adnan said:


> Because I look at sex as emotional and soul tying, and seeing someone else with my woman and please my woman will make me look at her different and most likely walk the **** away


Have you told her EXACTLY this? If so, what is her response. If NOT, then tell her...
Still realize it's something she wants and may eventually want to get back into without telling you...


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Have you told her EXACTLY this? If so, what is her response. If NOT, then tell her...
> Still realize it's something she wants and may eventually want to get back into without telling you...


When I told her I would most likely leave she said she didn't want to do it, then when we started roleplaying which that's all I thought it was being in character. She was like see it sounds like you enjoy that aspect of it. I'm like wtf I was just in character talking ****.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are in the best position to determine if this is something she can really set aside and live without. As I said, she really can't do what she has asked for behind your back.



No, but she can grow resentful and bitter and it can eventually contaminate other areas of the relationship. 

She may quickly grow discontent and dissatisfied with the relationship. 

I don’t think this is just a wild idea or flight of fancy for her. I think she is serious….. even if misguided. 

This couple may not be quite as mismatched as a Southern Baptist pastor and a stripper, but it’s pretty dang close.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Adnan said:


> When I told her I would most likely leave she said she didn't want to do it, then when we started roleplaying which that's all I thought it was being in character. She was like see it sounds like you enjoy that aspect of it. I'm like wtf I was just in character talking ****.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> No, but she can grow resentful and bitter and it can eventually contaminate other areas of the relationship.
> 
> She may quickly grow discontent and dissatisfied with the relationship.
> 
> ...


And that's the part i asked her like will she be resentful, will she feel the need to do it behind my back.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> This couple may not be quite as mismatched as a Southern Baptist pastor and a stripper, but it’s pretty dang close.


Actually now that I’ve said that, I have to clarify that I would trust the stripper 10 times more than the preacher man and I’d be telling the stripper to watch her back and have an escape plan in place at all times. 

Now back to your regular scheduled programming.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Not true.
> 
> My wife wants to add an addition to the house.
> 
> ...


Two bucks says if he stays in the relationship he'll experience it whether he wants to or not.

What folk tale was it, after the turtle or ? relents and carries the snake across the river, then the snake bites him......and the snake says well you knew what I was when you carried me with you.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Actually now that I’ve said that, I have to clarify that I would trust the stripper 10 times more than the preacher man and I’d be telling the stripper to watch her back and have an escape plan in place at all times.
> 
> Now back to your regular scheduled programming.


Apparantly you haven't known many strippers then. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Two bucks says if he stays in the relationship he'll experience it whether he wants to or not.
> 
> What folk tale was it, after the turtle or ? relents and carries the snake across the river, then the snake bites him......and the snake says well you knew what I was when you carried me with you.


Fable is the frog and the scorpion.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Adnan said:


> And that's the part i asked her like will she be resentful, will she feel the need to do it behind my back.


Of course she’s going to say no.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Numb26 said:


> Apparantly you haven't known many strippers then. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


Ive known strippers.

The problem is I’ve known preachers too and trust and respect them even less.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> Fable is the frog and the scorpion.


Thanks, I was having a senior moment.

Wait, where am I ???? 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thanks, I was having a senior moment.
> 
> Wait, where am I ???? 🤣🤣🤣


Have another cup of coffee. 😉


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Of course she’s going to say no.


That is true


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The person you marry should be on the same wavelength when it comes to sex and values and boundaries. You and she don't share those same values. You would be very unwise to marry her.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why aren't you just going ahead with it?


Because he don´t want to, something I find good enough.
And, by the way, he is not the only one.
Moreover I wouldn´t keep a relationship like his one for no imaginable other reason.
But that is me, of course.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ElOtro said:


> Because he don´t want to, something I find good enough.
> And, by the way, he is not the only one.
> Moreover I wouldn´t keep a relationship like his one for no imaginable other reason.
> But that is me, of course.


I agreed with him too several responses ago.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Adnan,

The only upside I can see to this is you can observe if she has more orgasms, more intense orgasms and gets wetter etc with this OW. If that's the case then you are her sexual plan B. 

Although you might be the plan A person in other aspect of life because you are easy to get along with, non-dramatic, an earner and other good things. 

There may also be an issue in that your GF did not tell you about this aspect of her life until after you had bonded with her this is dishonest. 

Why is your GF ok with having sex with other people who might give both of you an STD, is part of this package an agreement that the OW gets tested first. And what are the chances someone who has casual sex is going to have an STD. 

Long term this is going to manifest itself in her cheating on you, particularly since she thinks sex is only sex.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

TAMAT said:


> Adnan,
> 
> The only upside I can see to this is you can observe if she has more orgasms, more intense orgasms and gets wetter etc with this OW. If that's the case then you are her sexual plan B.
> 
> ...


Very good points


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Very good points


Sounds like a done deal then, yes?


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> This is the thing that really gets me with today's men. After OP getting all the info as to what kind of a woman he's getting into for a serious relationship, he's still there wondering and trying to get things through his head, when in reality, the moment that he found out about the type of woman she is there shouldn't have been any doubts in his mind as to where this relationship should be...either in the waste basket, or immediately changed to ****-buddies only.
> 
> Don't these men realize that this type of women eventually, after the years go by, that itch that they have been wanting to scratch will be scratched? Would you as a man like to take a chance and marry a woman like this, so that after some time when a mortgage, kids, cars are all part of the equation she will start doing it with your consent or not? Mother's nature first and most important tenet is one's survival in order to be able to ensure that your genes are the one's being passed on; therefore, I, me, mine comes first. We all need to be able to take care of ourselves first, before we carry on, otherwise you're putting yourself at disadvantage in the business of life. But in today's modern world men are becoming so frightening weak, unsecure. Unable to take a strong stance to what their guts are telling them. No wonder why a lot of today's women are more secure and confident in themselves, and have no bones in disrespecting their men in their face because they know that there will be little to none consequences coming from their weak men to their entitled attitudes. The dudes..? they just keep spinning their tails wondering which way to go. Sad. These things used to be such immediately strong deal breaker to men.


I agree with you 100% but there is a reason men are behaving this way. Our culture is shifting and a lot of these guys feel like they have no choice. You either tolerate a woman treating you like absolute dogs**t, or you end up sad and alone. I know a few guys that are married to or just with women that cheat on them openly and they just try to pretend it isn't happening.


----------



## Adnan (3 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> I agree with you 100% but there is a reason men are behaving this way. Our culture is shifting and a lot of these guys feel like they have no choice. You either tolerate a woman treating you like absolute dogs**t, or you end up sad and alone. I know a few guys that are married to or just with women that cheat on them openly and they just try to pretend it isn't happening.


That's not gonna happen, I'm not a bad looking or low self esteem guy. I could have a different woman if that's what I desired. I do get what you are saying because it has become prevalent


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Adnan said:


> That's not gonna happen, I'm not a bad looking or low self esteem guy. I could have a different woman if that's what I desired. I do get what you are saying because it has become prevalent


I hope it works out for you, one way or another. Personally, once my wife starts telling me she wants to invite other people into the bedroom, I am out. I've seen these scenarios before, and it's never just a favor they are doing for you, it's something they want, so they tell you what you wanna hear so you will allow it. This stuff has a tendency to go underground if you say no.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Adnan said:


> And that's the part i asked her like will she be resentful, will she feel the need to do it behind my back.


That is a very real possibility. 

I don't think you should get married because of your sexual incompatibilities.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Adnan said:


> Because that one thing is literally the only real thing we have ever had a discussion on that didn't align with each other. It's like you go to a five star restaurant and everything is great food, service, ambience but your glass is chipped


No. That's the wrong analogy.

Sexuality is at the core of any marriage. That's why heterosexuals marry the opposite sex, not the same sex. You could find a buddy who could be totally compatible from a personality standpoint, have similar interests, similar dreams, similar temperaments, mutual respect and admiration, etc., but you wouldn't marry him because you are not sexually oriented to him as a sexual partner. Sex is the key element for a marriage.

You are not compatible with your fiancé on the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of marriage.

So, the correct analogy you should be using is going to a five star restaurant where there is great service, beautiful place settings, wonderful ambience, convenient parking, but the food tastes like it was dug out of an outhouse. You wouldn't go back to that restaurant because the FOOD is the more important aspect. So, in a marital relationship, the sexual compatibility is the most important aspect, just as the food is the most important aspect of the restaurant. Otherwise you might as well marry your best same-sex buddy.

Don't get married. You're not sexually compatible in the way you each view how sex in marriage should be valued and regarded.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> There is no foul or malfeasance here and no bad guy. She has been open and honest.


Well, I don't agree with you that she's been completely open and honest. 

Yes, she was honest when she said she wanted a threesome. 

I DON'T believe she was honest when she told him that she could give up that desire if he was against it. The fact that she keeps brining it up suggests to me that she is, rather than agreeing to say monogamous with @Adnan , she is hoping on some level to convince him to give her what she wants. That's dishonest, in my view. 

Bottom line, I don't think that she's committed to the monogamous philosophy that @Adnan espouses, even though she says she is. That's dishonest.

So, yeah, she was honest on the front end when she said that she wanted a threesome with him. She was not honest on the back end saying that she can be happy without her threesome.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *All* sex, pre marriage with different women while you get to know each other, isn't all emotional and soul tying as you say. It just isn't.


Not for you it isn't. While you get to know each other? She is his fiancee FFS. I will give you, there is a difference of emotional level in a drunken ONS and a woman you have been with for a while. 

If the sex is not emotional to someone before marriage, the papers and ceremony are not going to make it so after. They are not one who has emotion tied to sexual intimacy.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Adnan said:


> Because that one thing is literally the only real thing we have ever had a discussion on that didn't align with each other. It's like you go to a five star restaurant and everything is great food, service, ambience but your glass is chipped


When did she first start acting on her bisexuality?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wolfman1968 said:


> .
> 
> So, yeah, she was honest on the front end when she said that she wanted a threesome with him. She was not honest on the back end saying that she can be happy without her threesome.


I think there is some legit concern on whether she will actually be ok with a long term monogamous heterosexual relationship, or whether she will get frustrated, dissatisfied and resentful. 

But whether she is intentionally lying to him and intentionally deceiving him by saying she will be ok with just the two of them vs whether she sincerely believes she will be OK at this time is the question. 

She may think she’ll be fine now while they are making wedding plans and picking out wedding colors and sending out invitations etc. 

But the question is how will she be a couples years down the road when the NRE has wore off and she hasn’t rubbed up against another woman and hasn’t had 3 or more people in her bed for awhile.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Numb26 said:


> Fable is the frog and the scorpion.





Adnan said:


> When I told her I would most likely leave she said she didn't want to do it, then when we started roleplaying which that's all I thought it was being in character. She was like see it sounds like you enjoy that aspect of it. I'm like wtf I was just in character talking ****.


She wants to, I would not trust her to not see a woman behind your back. Do not marry this woman. Also at the same time I can not understand someone's need for roll play. When I am with my wife, I am all me and she is all her.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Ive known strippers.
> 
> The problem is I’ve known preachers too and trust and respect them even less.


Sorry excuse for a preacher.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But the question is how will she be a couples years down the road when the NRE has wore off and she hasn’t rubbed up against another woman and hasn’t had 3 or more people in her bed for awhile.


And I’m not sure how fair or accurate it is for us or him to make assumptions on her future sexual proclivities. 

Everyone seems to be concerned with her cheating, but has she shown any cheating behavior in the past?

She has had sex with women in the past, but was she in a relationship with a man at that time or is she typically ok when in a relationship with man and has no overwhelming urges for women. 

She has had 3somes with a couple in the past, but again, was she in a relationship at that time or was she completely single at the time so why not have some extra fun? 

What we do know is she really wants to have a 3way with him and has been bugging him about it and has made it clear that this is an important thing for her to do.

So she needs to do some soul searching on whether she truly can be at peace long term without doing this.

And he needs to determine if he can live long term with someone who’s sexual values and outlooks are so much different than his.


----------



## Power1 (5 mo ago)

Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?





Adnan said:


> So my fiance and I are kind of different when it comes to sex. I think of it as intimacy and emotional she thinks just fun and what ever. She has told me she has messed with women before. She says she would normally have one night situations with random women from “lifestyle" websites. She also divulged that she has had threesomes with with her female friend and the women's ex husband. She does still keep in touch with the friend but not in a intimate level. She has stated that she wants to experience a threesome with me and another woman. The idea repulses me as does the does idea of her and her “friend" and her friend ex husband. She has repeatedly brought up doing the threesome even though I have expressed I'm not interested. And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


She generously provided the simplest out a man could ever obtain. When she’s cheating on you 10 years from now what are you going to do, divorce her? Good luck with that when you‘ve knowingly married a swinger. There are plenty of nice women out there. Get out, consider yourself lucky.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Power1 said:


> She generously provided the simplest out a man could ever obtain. When she’s cheating on you 10 years from now what are you going to do, divorce her? Good luck with that when you‘ve knowingly married a swinger. There are plenty of nice women out there. Get out, consider yourself lucky.


Agreed. You can't turn this woman into a wife. It won't end well. @Adnan, please move on, or you will regret it.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Adnan said:


> That's not gonna happen, I'm not a bad looking or low self esteem guy. I could have a different woman if that's what I desired. I do get what you are saying because it has become prevalent


It might not happen, but you are here wondering about her. Her request and previous (on hold most likely) lifestyle. This denotes either shock in your system and/or your individual's boundaries are not firmly cemented. Because if they were, you wouldn't be wondering. Shocked yes, still going over it and not making it an immediate deal breaker for a life commitment relationship it does denotes that your boundaries are not that strong.

As an old dude throughout my life I have had a few relationships where I went in eagerly, just to soon be snapped out of it by the realization that the woman in question was like that. 60s, 70s, 80s, boy let me tell you. But my boundaries were rock solid. The moment I realized that the woman was into "free love" and other crap like that, it was the moment that I was out. I do not regret one moment having been that strong in my boundaries. it helped me to mature knowing/learning what was best for me.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Adnan,

Clean way to break it off, go to the threesome, tell her to start with the OW, while they are doing it ask for the engagement ring back. Tell her she can go live with OW, leave, don't look back.

Block her number and social media.

Move on.

If the OW is married dime her out to her BH too.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

One other issue is that she waited until she was your fiance to drop this on you, it's like bait and switch.

She knew she was going to do this the entire time you were exclusive but not engaged. 

Given what you wrote about her I would suspect she was having one time sex with OW while you two were just exclusive.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I think there is some legit concern on whether she will actually be ok with a long term monogamous heterosexual relationship, or whether she will get frustrated, dissatisfied and resentful.
> 
> But whether she is intentionally lying to him and intentionally deceiving him by saying she will be ok with just the two of them vs whether she sincerely believes she will be OK at this time is the question.
> 
> ...


Well, she may be dishonest on two levels. She is dishonest (in my opinion) to the OP by saying she'll be OK with monogamy in the future when I think that is not likely to be true. Secondly, she may well be dishonest to HERSELF by trying to get herself to believe she will be OK with monogamy.

If she REALLY could just "turn it off" with her threesome fixation, she wouldn't keep badgering him about it after the initial discussion. It's not going to go away. And I agree with you that it is likely to rear its head again a few years down the road.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Adnan said:


> I really like this advice because she says that she is fine with our sex life. But she said this is her bucket list as the other threesome have been with someone else's man. She said she was never comfortable enough with a man she was in a relationship with doing the threesome for the fear of the man falling for the other woman.


Then you have your answer about her never backing off of this.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> So the people here who have only been with one partner for the last 30 years are bad and unskilled in bed???
> 
> You're making some sweeping assumptions here that aren't really founded in reality.
> 
> ...


Being dysfunctional doesn’t mean they aren’t dynamite in bed. Practice also makes perfect.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Practice also makes perfect.


It would be nice if that was always true. Unfortunately in the real world, there are plenty of people who can have a lifetimes worth of sexual experience who will always be rubbish at sharing sex.


----------



## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> You two are not compatible it’s that simple.


Ditto



SCDad01 said:


> She’s your fiancé. I would make sure she didn’t become your wife. So many red flags.


Ditto



ArthurGPym said:


> She is non-monogamous and you are monogamous, and therefore not compatible for marriage. She is not a bad person, she just needs to find a man who is into swinging and group sex. Break it off with her, lick your wounds and go find a wife who is monogamous.


Ditto



Loves Coffee said:


> You're not alone in this. I think it's dumb, too. No 3rd parties allowed except for the cat sleeping on the bed who won't move lol. I'm not about to share my wife with anyone.
> 
> I echo what others have said. Her desires do not align with yours. It's been fun to this point, but if you are looking for marriage she ain't it. Just wait until fair is fair and now she wants another guy in your bed.


What he said.



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're not going to marry this girl anyway, so what have you got to lose?


Only if it somehow no longer disgusts you, you somehow are curious about it, and you are okay with threesomes in your marriage down the road.



maquiscat said:


> I would at least hold off on the wedding date and stay engaged for a while. See if she is going to drop this or if it will remain a part of her bucket list. If she keeps bringing it up, it will not be a good life for you.


VERY sound advice.



happyhusband0005 said:


> Very incompatible.
> My wife and I are both more like your GF, for both of us sex can be emotional and intimate and special, but most of the time it's about fun and pleasure. It's just a personality thing.
> Neither one of you will ever be truly happy here.
> You will always be looking for the deeper connection and intimacy and she will always be pushing boundaries and looking for more fun.
> ...



100% correct unless somehow you decide to experiment and find it’s your thing as well. If not, we are talking crash and burn here.
I am more like your fiancé, also happyhusband0005 & his wife. I absolutely love sex for sex’s sake. I love making love as well but oh my goodness there are so many more times when sex is just that – Sex! Good old Grrrrrrrrr Sex! I’m thankful I am in this mode rather than the blah brain don’t even think about it mode.
I agree.
Yep & Yep. It is very very difficult for those desires to not come back. Been there done that and eventually they do sneak back in, speaking of Role Play. Ding Ding ding – light bulb, alarms, warnings, etc., etc.
It might get put on hold for a while, especially during mommy mode. Once they get older, more independent, and she has more time available if she doesn’t stay busy old things can creep back in.
Most likely scenario.
I concur; the majority of women/wives have and desire the traits you possess. I am love it as well but I also need the fiery yummy hot steamy sex. As one poster stated, “it’s the way I am built.” Even though I hit patches when I was not into sex for sex sake, ultimately when I snapped out of my funks I came out brandishing the GRRrrrrr Sex!. There are far more in numbers of laid back, more emotional women/wives out there from what I know. Plenty of fish in the sea for you. If you are not going to play within her style, I say go fishing and find one that better completes you.



TinyTbone said:


> You've already stated your answer with it's not every man's fantasy and the idea repulses you. If you've been crystal clear with her on this point and she insists anyway, then it's time to make are hard decision. Stay or go.


It is not every man’s fantasy or every woman’s, hence the incompatibility everyone is speaking of.



Adnan said:


> When I told her I would most likely leave she said she didn't want to do it, then when we started roleplaying which that's all I thought it was being in character. She was like see it sounds like you enjoy that aspect of it. I'm like wtf I was just in character talking ****.


You are giving mixed signals here.

It either repulses you or it doesn’t. If you are opening any door to it, it will be viewed as capitulating. Be black and white on this, if you are gray she will consider it’s a sign to press for more. RP is a great way to play and experiment but be clear, sort it out for yourself as well as for her.



TAMAT said:


> Adnan,
> 
> The only upside I can see to this is you can observe if she has more orgasms, more intense orgasms and gets wetter etc with this OW. If that's the case then you are her sexual plan B.
> Although you might be the plan A person in other aspect of life because you are easy to get along with, non-dramatic, an earner and other good things.
> ...



Tis true. I have and so have a few of my friends done this test. It’s pretty easy to tell with you guys what rocks your boat. For we ladies, sometimes more challenging but totally doable.
I agree you are probably a Plan A type gentleman in every way. You can have the passion, make a deep connection, have great monogamous sex but you do not have that swinging component.
I can tell you I wouldn’t have told you until after you proposed either. I am not going to share with a guy everything I have done, who I did it with, and what all else is going on in my mind unless I am marrying him. Once I am 100% certain this guy is the one then I will have that talk. It is not being dishonest; it’s none of his business if he is a possible non-contender otherwise everyone on the planet knows your personal business. Might as well post her name right here with a picture.
The STD thing is of most importance. I 1000% agree. Be super careful.
I do quite often think of sex as sex and so does my husband. We have never cheated. However, it does tell you that her thinking is not compatible with yours. Oh there it is again, that darn incompatibility thing.



Adnan said:


> And before anybody jump in with stupid responses it's not every man fantasy. Any advice on my feelings and this situation?


Yes, it has been pointed out, you are incompatible. There is no dodging that.

You can change your mind. You might try it and it work out. Most likely if you try it You will lose it mentally, based on most of your posts. Your relationship will be forever changed, either way. I have seen it many times when couples explore a threesome; it always changes them no matter. Some survive, most do not, and few thrive. The ones that I know who thrive always seek more, a great deal more down the road.

Test the Role Play and see what you can handle. Toys, devices, setting, set up, can make for some realistic RP. I dated a guy with a sex doll, talk about realistic. You will discover what you can handle because all of that will be that, just sex!

Final note. The poster with the kicking the dead horse has a great representation.


----------

