# I feel like I am dying



## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

I have been hear reading for 5 weeks and not posting. I have tried a dozen times to write out the details of what I am going through but every time I began to detail it I fell apart or become physically ill. I hoping at some point soon I can type it out and get it out of me. It is toxic and I feel like I am dying.

I made my husband leave last night. He had nowhere to go but I didn't care. I had to make him leave mostly because I felt violent when he was near me and I was afraid I would do something I would have regret. Not saying I didn't already.....cause I did attack him when I found out. Not something I am proud of and something that really shocked me....

I am frozen and dying inside while trying to play with my 4 year old and pretend nothing is wrong (she thinks he went on a business trip).

I can't eat, I can't focus. I have lost complete control over my mind and body. This is so absolutely revolting but I actually sh*t myself last week. I hadn't eaten in days and was drinking coffee and had no control over my own body. I feel like a shell of a human being.

He has stolen everything from me. The baby we have been trying to have for over a year. The house we were buying in the spring. The safety and happiness he brought me. Everything is tainted. Everything is a lie.

I will get to a point where I can share my story soon I hope. I just need to get some of this out of me. I had no one but him. He was my only safe place and now I have no safe place.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We can be your safe place.

What you are feeling is normal. You will be all over the place with your feelings and know this is totally part of the process.

Are you considering reconciliation at all or separation/divorce?

Get tested for STDs.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

I have no idea what I am really thinking. At first I was thinking I might some day be able to recover from this but I found out last week he had been lying more about the extent of everything. The lying did more damaged then he could ever had imagined. Now everything is a lie. I believe nothing. Not even the happy moments in our life. They are all tainted by what he has done to us.

Part of me just wants it to go away so we can back to how it was. I just want my life back. He has ruined my life. He ruined our life.

All I can think about is my daughter. Her little world is so amazing and so perfect. I don't want her to feel pain. Not yet. She is only 4. She deserves to be free and innocent. This will kill her. 

I made him get tested. Even before I knew he slept with her. He said the tests came back negative but I asked him to get a paper copy from the clinic. I am getting tested this week.


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## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

This might as well have been me writing this, except my daughter is only 1. I just found out 1 month ago almost to the day. 
You and I seem to be in the same place emotionally right now. Maybe we can be someone for each other to talk to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

terrified said:


> The lying did more damaged then he could ever had imagined.


Yep. The lying and deception is worse the the actual act, IMO.


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. Nothing like that crushing feeling on your chest that makes breathing hard, much less anything else like eating etc. 

Re: your daughter, I felt like my separation would be terrible on my son too (he's five) but I can honestly say that I was projecting a bit because he only knew what I was showing him. Sure, they notice that the other parent is not around, but more importantly, they notice and mirror how (particularly the mother) acts. So, I know it's hard, but just keep up as positive attitude as you can for her and you'll be surprised at how she responds. I made enjoying my son and trying to make things seem as normal as possible my strength and am only now able to slowly chip away at the feelings after some of the devastation has worn off.

Can you take a trip? I went to the beach for a few days with my son and it was really helpful to get out of my space for a bit. Lots of courage to you, it will get easier, i promise.


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

(((hugs)))
I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm with Jellybeans on this one though: I think the lying is worse than the act, too. Because, for me, the lying will continue until he realizes that he's doing nothing but digging himself a grave. I don't understand why cheating spouses just don't come all out with it. I mean, you're hurt enough...don't prolong the hurt by letting the lies slowly catch up to you. Ya know? Anyway---good luck in the days and months ahead. It is a long road.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. I second Jellybean's views. What you are experiencing is normal. 

Within a similar time frame, some women can have a 'ghost' miscarriage due to the stress of it all even although not pregnant. This can be a shocking experience and it can lead to some of the most invasive, painful tests due to the high risk infidelity factor. It can also be a humiliating experience if one has never had children. 

Some women throw up others give way as you have done. Don't feel ashamed. You have just been given the biggest blow ever in your life. The shock of being betrayed.

The lies and deception are the worst IMO.

Infidelity is one of the cruelest acts perpetrated on another human being. It is why cheaters often lose the respect of many people. 

The lying and deception isn't just applicable to the spouse btw but also often extends to the wider family with lying to parents and friends siince the cheater wants to control and minimise the impact and damage to their own reputation. Quite often the marriage is dismissed or trashed in someway, re-written as if it was real bad, or 'done' when the truth can be altogether something quite different.. 

You have got support here with a lot of good advice if you feel you really want help.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Try not to miss your "old marriage". I’m 7 months out, and while I miss the comfort I had in my little fantasy world.....I do not want that marriage back.
My wife and I decided to start over together. It is different….good things and bad things. We don’t miss the old one.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi.
Just letting you know that there are people here who have been exactly where you are now. 
((hugs))


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

No matter what you do---get yourself into some counseling, or into a group that deals with how to cope after you have been cheated on

Your med. insurance should cover the counseling---and your local social services should cover groups you can get into------you need to deal with this, and talk it out----YOU CAN NOT KEEP IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE YOURSELF


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Talking about it and realizing you are not alone is the most helpful thing. It is important for YOU and your daughter that you stay strong so talk ... and remember, you are not the first person ever to go through something this tough. We have all been through similar situations and as difficult as it feels right now, you just need to remain positive!!


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Thank you so much for your replies.

It is good to know that others have been through this stage and survived. It's so hard to believe I can get through this but I will.

I know sharing my story will make it easier once I get it out of me. I am going to sit down tonight and try to get it out of me.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

As bad as your story might be, there are worse out there on this board. We're here to help.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Terrified, 

We all know how it feels. We are all going through it with you and it sucks big time. Our stories are the same, details just different. Read all you can, get in to IC and MC. The pain is too much to deal with alone. We all know that. I am only 10 weeks from learn of husband affair. Learning still daily, of lies and finding past emails. 

This is a journey unlike any you will find yourself in...

It doesn't get easier,... almost worst before it gets better, but stay here as there is so much help and advise here on this forum...
It may not seem like it at the very moment, but people are kind and really do care. 

~sammy


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

Absolutely normal. I had the same exact emotional breakdown! Hang in there and be strong. Remember, he's the weak one, right? I'm recovering since 2009 and have made myself physically ill. I'm seeing a doctor so I can return to my normal healthy self and march out the door. Until then, I'm putting myself first (no kids) and he's invisible to me. Sounds sick to still be here but I'm prepared to do what I have to and survive this madness.

What do you want for your own future?

What do you need to do to make it without him?

How long will it take to make that transition?

Make a plan and see it through!:smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Wow M-D , 

Almost 2 years ? My heart is breaking for you... 

~sammy


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

Terrified,

I'm sorry for what you have to go through right now. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. After finally getting over him leaving me for his obsessive video gaming, my H decides he wants to man up, change and come back into my life. Fast forward to one year later, he's back to gaming and quite possibly is having an affair. Suddenly, he wants to leave me again (this will be the last time I do this) and tells me that he no longer loves nor want anything to do with me. 

The most upsetting thing is all the time i've invested in him and our relationship. All our hopes and dreams for the future? Gone overnight. I'm hurt, angry, and scared of starting over. I'm at least thankful for this forum and all of its supportive members. We can get through this together...hang in there.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

terrified:

I understand the pain. I have never ever felt such pain in my life. It was the lies and the misdirection and trying to get me to believe I was imagining things. 

The lies killed me.

But 4 months later and individual counseling and group therapy, and sharing on this board, and surrounding myself with loving people and sharing (do this for yourself) and journaling I have come so far from that pain because I wanted to let go and move on. But that was my choice. 

Please tell your story, get the poison out. Don't let it fester. We all understand, we have been where you are and we made it so you will too, just share.


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## amarige (Jun 6, 2011)

Hugs and prayers to you! You are brave to be able to even try to share your story. What u are going thru is normal (I didn't believe it either when someone told me that 2 years ago). It's true. It does get a little easier but it's the most painful, difficult thing next to losing your parent or spouse. My counslor gave me some excellent advice: meet your basic needs first with baby steps; the rest will follow. 
Get a counselor immediately if not sooner; this was a savior for me. You are valued and special...just keep repeating that to yourself. Focus on your daughter's needs and how she relies on you for everthing and how you need to take care of yourself so you can be healthy and take care of her. She will see your strenght and when's she's older, she will tell you how she watched you be strong.
You can do; we are all rooting for you!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey terrified---you MUST pull yourself together----This is like being the victim of murder----it is the hardest thing you will ever go thru---but there is one MAJOR, reason for you to get yourself together and face life---that reason is 4 years old and she calls you mommy, and you are the one and only person to be there for her----her father obviously didn't give a sh*t about her, so you must.


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## HusbandTrue (Jul 31, 2011)

terrified said:


> I am frozen and dying inside.....
> I can't eat, I can't focus. I have lost complete control over my mind and body. I hadn't eaten in days and was drinking coffee and had no control over my own body. I feel like a shell of a human being.
> He has stolen everything from me.
> Everything is tainted.
> ...


My WW admitted to her affair on July 4.
We had separated in May.
I was shattered........the next 3 weeks were the worst of my life!
This week is the FIRST week that I could breathe without pain!
I know EXACTLY what you are felling and EXACTLY where you are!
I lost 25 pounds in the last 30 days!
YOU and I will get through this together!!!!


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep. The lying and deception is worse the the actual act, IMO.


That and the emotional attactment for me is the worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree, SF. They say for women, an EA is worse than a PA. For men, a PA is worse. Makes sense actually.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

terrified said:


> Thank you so much for your replies.
> 
> It is good to know that others have been through this stage and survived. It's so hard to believe I can get through this but I will.
> 
> I know sharing my story will make it easier once I get it out of me. I am going to sit down tonight and try to get it out of me.


Your right Terrified it is toxic and as soon as you get it out in some way it will help. Even if you write in down on paper before posting it to forum. Just find a postive outlet. I am having a huge problem with eating myself ( wasn't a big eatter before) and barely drink even water but I am wasting away and I am trying to do better. Don't allow it to get that far even if you have to have toast with your coffee just try something. A fruit cup, fruit salad. Your emotional roller coaster is far from over but one thing about what your going through is you are among friends here. Ppl who have been through and are going through similar if not the exact things you are. Exhale here and take comfort that you are not alone. Wishing you the best.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

How long will I have the images in my head?
Every time I close my eyes I see him touching her. Her climbing on top of him. I wish I didn't know the details.
It is killing me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The images will be in your head as long as you let them. You must force the mind movies out, as soon as you feel them coming on you must focus on how strong *you* are, and how weak he is.

You have to "woman up" and take control, I found starting a journel helped me get some control back in my life. The thing is you can not let this b~llsh~t define you as a weak person, but as someone you is confident enough to move on. 

Work on your self and force the dark thought out...you are better then that....you are the strong person you is rightous and it is not your fault that your was the weak one to step out of the marriage.

As the days go by it will get better for you with the thoughts of how much better you are then he is. Your H is the one that made the the stupid choice, your H is the that created the dammage. 

You, on the other hand are the better person, then one that diserve happiness, and will find one way or another.

a mantra that I tell my self all the time is "Idiserve to be happy, and I diserve good thing" say this to your self when ever the dark thought come back.

You must show confidence and do not beg for your marriage, remember you are the better person her, you are the one who has the control in taking him back or not. 

You did nothing wrong in why he made his choices, so girlfrien women up and take back the control that you must have.


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## HusbandTrue (Jul 31, 2011)

terrified said:


> How long will I have the images in my head?
> Every time I close my eyes I see him touching her. Her climbing on top of him. I wish I didn't know the details.
> It is killing me.


I KNOW!!!

EXACTLY what I see.......Him and MY WIFE!!

IT slows......when will it stop?.......I'll let you know when I get there!

This is the worst time of MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

But it is YOU who are the better person!!

I am the better person than my weak Wife!!!

My Counselor tells me "Any INTACT woman would like to have a relationship with you! Any INTACT woman would be like to work any differences out with you!"

Your WH and my WW *ARE NOT INTACT*!!!!!


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## jae1225 (May 9, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> terrified:
> 
> I understand the pain. I have never ever felt such pain in my life. It was the lies and the misdirection and trying to get me to believe I was imagining things.
> 
> ...


I have been looking for a group therapy, how did you find one?
I went to a support group meeting and thought it was helpful.


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## HusbandTrue (Jul 31, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Your emotional roller coaster is far from over but one thing about what your going through is you are among friends here. Ppl who have been through and are going through similar if not the exact things you are. Exhale here and take comfort that you are not alone. Wishing you the best.


We MUST support each other !!!! :smthumbup:


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I am 12 weeks out and still, I see the images, they are still there. In fact we haven't even has relations since. There is so much other crap we need to get through before we can even work on that area. 

Im not sure I would say it gets easier as time goes on, I would say it gets different. Affairs get really messy. Nothing is the same as it was pre affair and that is the saddest.

~sammy


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Yes, the reality is that the images don't magically go away. I think over time they come up less frequently, and we learn to push them aside with less effort, and over time you just learn to control yourself and your emotions more as the occur...frankly just dealing with them differently. 

You're never going to go back to 'the way it was'... that's dead and gone, there is no going back to that (and let's face it, 'theway it was' got us to this point, so we really don't want to). We just want to feel like we did before... and we're never going to, because that state of mind had blind trust that we'll not have again. Some of us (not me) may learn to trust someone again, but never in the same blind way.


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