# Don’t Know what to do



## MelloYellow (Jun 27, 2020)

My husband and I have been married 18 years with kids 13 and 11. We’ve had our ups and downs and done counseling in the past. He has always been very emotionally unavailable and closed off. Certain topics are off limits and he gets mad if I bring them up. For instance, both his parents have passed away, and if i try to talk about them he shuts down. I feel bad for our kids since I can’t tell them anything about their grandparents. He comes home complaining about work often (we both work full time for the same company) and then calls me selfish when I tell him he takes work out on me. He’s told me he doesn’t respect me, but didn’t give much explanation. I feel like I walk on eggshells to keep him happy and carry the load at home.
During this quarantine I’m considered essential and have been going to work the whole time while he works from home. I leave at 6am and get home at 5pm. I do all the cooking, dishes, laundry, groceries, cleaning, etc. He will just sit and watch or play video games. I’ve spent more time alone the past 8 weeks than i can remember.

last night he dumps on me that he basically is unfulfilled sexually, but we are good partners so he’s willing to stay and live as roommates for the kids. He’s open to counseling, but im not sure I am. Ive checked out. He’s never available emotionally for me and physically he’s always playing video games so I’ve given up on a sexual relationship to the point i don’t even want it.
He said we are a good team and he likes hanging out with me. I am not sure I even want to try anymore. I’ve put up with a lot of emotional crap and think I’ve finally realized i don’t need that. He gets annoyed with me often and says I talk too much. I just know I can’t do the roommate thing. I don’t know what to do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It sounds like you are carrying a huge load and also picking up the slack of your adult child husband. He is already advising you that he is checking out of the relationship. He may have an online girlfriend. The situation sounds pretty grim and you are overwhelmed also with work and taking care of the house. Not good.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

More thoughts:

Any chance you can spend some time with some friends or family? Take break from that situation for a week and gather your thoughts. You could use some support


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## MelloYellow (Jun 27, 2020)

It’s been hard in the current situation, but normally he would find that completely weird. He’d question me on why I need to go visit a friend. I have never gone to do something alone mainly because I feel guilty. I’ve gone out to dinner with friends, but even that is like once a year and I hurry home because I feel bad that he’s home.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yes exactly.... you feel bad that your not there for him ... to do what... walk on eggshells and listen to him say he doesn’t respect you? I think you need to flip the script of your household. Let him do everything on his own for a week. Besides he says y’all are just roommates right???

By the way... I used to love mellow yellow!!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MelloYellow said:


> I leave at 6am and get home at 5pm. I do all the cooking, dishes, laundry, groceries, cleaning, etc. He will just sit and watch or play video games.





MelloYellow said:


> he’s willing to stay and live as roommates for the kids


LOL. I bet he is. I'd be willing to stay if I had a live-in free servant.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@mellowyellow you know all the things that you do for your husband, the cooking, the cleaning the laundry etc. 
Stop doing them. 
Right ****ing now, just stop.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MelloYellow said:


> It’s been hard in the current situation, but normally he would find that completely weird. He’d question me on why I need to go visit a friend. I have never gone to do something alone mainly because I feel guilty. I’ve gone out to dinner with friends, but even that is like once a year and I hurry home because I feel bad that he’s home.


I'm not sure why it matters to you if he finds that weird...which makes me think it might be best for you to start at THAT point -- I think it's time for you to start doing things that YOU want, for YOURself, without considering what he will think or how he will feel about it. 

I also think individual counseling would be very beneficial for you!

You are NOT a "team", you don't even have as good an arrangement as a roommate would, because you are taking care of HIM all the time, and he doesn't have to take care of himself OR you!

I think it's time to start crushing those eggshells!!


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## iamtony92 (Jun 27, 2020)

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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Mellow,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but happy that you came to sound off on it. My situation was similar enough I see the warning signs on your husband's behavior. My ex did the same, refused to talk about issues until I stopped bothering, there was no sex and we lived like roommates for years until he decided he was in love with someone else. Even then, he hated confrontation, so he didn't have the guts to end it. I always had to make the hard decisions, sound familiar? 

I'd definitely take the offered advice and stop doing anything for him, I know that's hard, you're cooking and caring for your kids, so easier said than done and you probably also have your finances entangled. He does sound selfish and immature, even though he's probably not bad enough where you think it's enough to leave, hmm? Ask yourself, how would you advise your best friend if she found herself in a similar situation. Be your best friend and be kind to yourself first, nothing you do will ever be good enough for him to love you and respect you and stop taking you for granted, so start by loving you.

I know it's hard, and scary, especially with kids involved. Every journey begins with a single step. We'll be here for you each step of the way. Nothing will wake him up if his needs and wants are being fulfilled, assuming you even still want him anymore, or have simply resigned yourself to this life because of the kids.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Look up the 180 and implement it.


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