# Daughter and her friends were arrested for drugs.



## Marksummers

Last week our 24 year old daughter and two of her friends went to Colorado to get some of the legal kind. Not that me or my wife have ever supported it but we know she has done it in the past. Anyway, she and her friends decided to risk trying to bring some back with them only they were caught and promptly arrested. They are all facing some fairly serious charges, we did bail her out, but she is now going to face some real consequences. My wife doesn't want this to affect her and is saying we should spend as much as we can to get her a good defense attorney and even help with any fines etc. she may have. Personally, I don't want to, not that I don't love my daughter but I really think she needs to learn a lesson, this isn't the first time she's run in with the law either. When she was 19 she was arrested for having marijuana. We bailed her out then as well.


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## Emerging Buddhist

What state was she arrested in?


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## WorkingOnMe

What state? How many grams? Felony or misdemeanor? Are talking lesson or LESSON? Like a fine or 8-10 in the pen?? Personally this would make a huge difference for me whether I was willing to let her fall or fight for her.


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## Marksummers

WorkingOnMe said:


> What state? How many grams? Felony or misdemeanor? Are talking lesson or LESSON? Like a fine or 8-10 in the pen?? Personally this would make a huge difference for me whether I was willing to let her fall or fight for her.


Oklahoma. 1 oz of weed, felony.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Pretty serious... lawyer up, invest up front, have her pay you back on a payment plan... it's a hand up, not a hand out.

This is a big deal, but getting it reduced can help only if she walks a path of understanding the cause and effect of her decisions.


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## EleGirl

Talk to a defense attorney and find out how the courts/judges usually handles a first time offense of this type. There is a difference on what the laws say and what judges do. 

She will most likely get some kind of probation if it's her first offense. But she needs a good attorney.

I agree with the idea of helping her, but she has to pay you back.

How much did she have on her?


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## Marksummers

EleGirl said:


> Talk to a defense attorney and find out how the courts/judges usually handles a first time offense of this type. There is a difference on what the laws say and what judges do.
> 
> She will most likely get some kind of probation if it's her first offense. But she needs a good attorney.
> 
> I agree with the idea of helping her, but she has to pay you back.
> 
> How much did she have on her?


It's not her first offense, and I said it was 1 oz.


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## EleGirl

Marksummers said:


> It's not her first offense, and I said it was 1 oz.


Oh, I thought that you mean that the law says that 1 oz is the bottom limit for a felony. OK.

How many other offenses does she have? Were they felonies or misdemeanors?

Have you helped her in the past with her other offenses?

With my step son we got to the point that we told him that jail is clearly where he wants to be since he kept doing stupid stuff.


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## Marksummers

EleGirl said:


> Oh, I thought that you mean that the law says that 1 oz is the bottom limit for a felony. OK.
> 
> How many other offenses does she have? Were they felonies or misdemeanors?
> 
> Have you helped her in the past with her other offenses?
> 
> With my step son we got to the point that we told him that jail is clearly where he wants to be since he kept doing stupid stuff.


Oh in OK even one gram of weed is akin to killing someone. Well, obviously hyperbole but we have some very draconian drug laws. Hell, it's due to the drug laws that OK has the most incarcerated women in America. She just has the one other offense of marijuana possession at 19.


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## EleGirl

Marksummers said:


> Oh in OK even one gram of weed is akin to killing someone. Well, obviously hyperbole but we have some very draconian drug laws. Hell, it's due to the drug laws that OK has the most incarcerated women in America. She just has the one other offense of marijuana possession at 19.


Then she does not sound like a lost cause like my step-son. So if you can help her, you probably should. 

What sort of a sentence do you think she will get?


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## Marksummers

EleGirl said:


> Then she does not sound like a lost cause like my step-son. So if you can help her, you probably should.
> 
> What sort of a sentence do you think she will get?


I have looked it up and in OK being her second offense, especially for trafficking it could be up to 15 years.


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## EleGirl

Marksummers said:


> I have looked it up and in OK being her second offense, especially for trafficking it could be up to 15 years.


Yep she needs a good lawyer.


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## WorkingOnMe

You think she needs to learn a lesson for 15 years? And you say you love your daughter? I'd hate to be your enemy if this is how you roll with those you 'love'.


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## uhtred

God I hate the drug laws in this country. 

The best you can do is get her a good attorney and try to keep her out of prison.


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## wilson

Unfortunately, "teaching her a lesson" with something like this may mean her life is destroyed. Prison will change her as a person and make it very difficult for her to get employment afterwards. Some people need a lesson that strong to turn it around, but it can be a very damaging process in many ways.

I would help her in this case to get off. Maybe consider helping her to move to Colorado where it won't be an issue if she wants to keep using. Personally, I don't feel that marijuana is all that bad and not necessarily a problem if someone uses. I'd feel differently if this was something stronger like meth or heroin.


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## Manchester

Marksummers said:


> I really think she needs to learn a lesson


Damn that's cold. I can only imagine the conversations you'll have when you're speaking to her through the glass panel.

"Sorry honey but I tried to warn you.. but don't worry, 10 years goes really fast!"


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## Idyit

OP really sorry to hear of your troubles. Count me with the crowd that says to help your daughter out. The results of helping or not are both life altering for her. 

Word of warning. I live in said 'legal' state and have heard of and experienced how law enforcement deals with 'transporting'. Bordering states will definitely profile and stop vehicles. I was stopped 3 times on my way to Kansas before even leaving Colorado. All three had BS reasons for stopping me. And not one even wrote a ticket.

~ Passio


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## EleGirl

Do the police know that she brought it in from Colorado? If so, how do they know?


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## Hope1964

15 years for THAT?!?! Holy crap that's brutal.

Tell her to move up here to Canada - it's gonna be legal sometime next year in our whole country


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## GuyInColorado

That sucks. She should have moved to Colorado, who wants to live in OK? Ha.

I'd spend whatever dollar to fight those B.S. charges. Soon it will be legal everywhere (well, maybe not OK/KS/UT), so these charges should be nulled in the future anyways.


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## MarriedDude

OP...learning a lesson is one thing...but a felony will damage her long term future...in a BIG way. If you let her flail and take the heat...this will be a critical moment of neglect in both yourrelationship with your daughter and your marriage.

I haven't been a "resident" in prisons or jails...but have worked in new facilities and existing ones..dozens of them..please believe me...you DO NOT want her in there. Its not orange is the new black...its gladiator school...and IME, female prisons are worse in terms of violence and long term damage than male prisons. 

Bite the bullet and save her from herself. You will also be saving yourself a ton of heartbreak and sleepless nights


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## Manchester

It's hard for me to believe that a father would be so evil as to allow for the possibility of a 15 year jail sentence for his daughter "to teach her a lesson".

I'm not saying that this story is untrue (only because it's against the rules) but I am saying that I hope it's a work of fiction because there is truly enough evil in the world and we don't need any more.


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## uhtred

Absolutely agree. 
Prison is not a "learning experience" it is a life destroying one. My sister spent 3 months in prison for a minor crime that got out of hand (shoplifting, pulled a can of mace when security grabbed her). 

Its bad, really bad. Stories like being told to keep a watch out for guards while a couple of the women beat and abused another woman - or face having the same done to her. That's separate from the abuse by the guards.







MarriedDude said:


> OP...learning a lesson is one thing...but a felony will damage her long term future...in a BIG way. If you let her flail and take the heat...this will be a critical moment of neglect in both yourrelationship with your daughter and your marriage.
> 
> I haven't been a "resident" in prisons or jails...but have worked in new facilities and existing ones..dozens of them..please believe me...you DO NOT want her in there. Its not orange is the new black...its gladiator school...and IME, female prisons are worse in terms of violence and long term damage than male prisons.
> 
> Bite the bullet and save her from herself. You will also be saving yourself a ton of heartbreak and sleepless nights


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## Mr.Fisty

Tough situation since the crime does not match the punishment as it were. She does need some form of punishment or consequence but the sentencing is too harsh and may do more damage than good. Her choice is one of immaturity that odes not affect another's well-being other than her own, she is not that high as a potential danger to society.

Lets say she was caught drinking and arrested at 19 for drinking but was cognisant enough not to drive and put others lives at risk: She is essentially being punished for a DUI.

She does need to grow and make more mature decisions but from little of what is on here, this is quite correctable. Kick her out, make her pay you bakc with interest. Take away more of that security blanket or give her goals of what she needs to accomplish should she remain around to prove she can grow from this.


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## frusdil

I'm all for helping your daughter too, I would in your shoes, but I'd also take into account that she's 24 years old, a grown woman, not a teenager. 

She would have to pay us back, and it would be made clear to her that this is the last time we bail her out.


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## uhtred

Let me add. When my sister went to prison, I could have paid for a lawyer that likely would have kept her from serving any time. I also figured, "she did a bad thing, 3 months might straighten her out". I've never forgiven myself for that mistake. Prison doesn't straighten people out.


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## arbitrator

*Oklahoma is a hardass state for being arrested for possession and intent to distribute!

You need a good, experienced, competent criminal defense attorney who can help you maneuver around this most difficult morass!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AP3

.


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## uhtred

I understand that way of thinking. It was part of why I didn't try to get her released. But that is thinking of prison like being kept late at school. Its not like that. Sometimes it is OK, sometimes not. In my sisters case she got into a fight early on. Guards don't care who starts it (knowing her, I don't think she did - not her style), everyone gets bumped up to max security. (for-profit prisons get more money that way). She hasn't talked about what happened to her specifically, but beatings and rape by both guards and inmates happen all too frequently. 

Would any parent what their child raped - no matter what they had done? 








AP3 said:


> Neither does bailing them out (especially if it's not the first time). I'm not saying this is/was your situation.


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## Marksummers

My wife and I are going to help her, we just wish she learned the first time.


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## NextTimeAround

Hope1964 said:


> 15 years for THAT?!?! Holy crap that's brutal.
> 
> Tell her to move up here to Canada - it's gonna be legal sometime next year in our whole country


Maybe OK has a lot of privatised prisons that they need filled. It's been shown that judges will take backhanders for giving custodial sentences.


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## browser

Marksummers said:


> My wife and I are going to help her, we just wish she learned the first time.


Of course you wish she learned the first time. She didn't, and she probably didn't learn this time either and she'll keep screwing up until she figures it out on her own and you'll keep helping her because that's what responsible parents do.

Even with your help and the assistance of a qualified attorney, from what I've read here she may very well be looking at some jail time. The question is does jail make people more or less likely to be repeat offenders. I'm not so sure jail is rehabilitative as it's supposed to be if anything she will make the wrong friends and may continue the activity and incur harsher sentences each time.


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## AP3

.


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## TBT

This might be worth looking into if you haven't already. Adult Drug Court programs in Oklahoma.

https://www.ok.gov/odmhsas/Substance_Abuse/Oklahoma_Drug_and_Mental_Health_Courts/Adult_Drug_Court/


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## Steve1000

Hope1964 said:


> 15 years for THAT?!?! Holy crap that's brutal.
> 
> Tell her to move up here to Canada - it's gonna be legal sometime next year in our whole country


Here in the land of the free, residents of one state are subject to a fine of up to $10,000 and a year in jail for a first offense and one to ten years in jail for repeat offenses for........... selling sex toys.


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## turnera

Marksummers said:


> My wife doesn't want this to affect her and is saying we should spend as much as we can to get her a good defense attorney and even help with any fines etc. she may have. Personally, I don't want to, not that I don't love my daughter but I really think she needs to learn a lesson, this isn't the first time she's run in with the law either. When she was 19 she was arrested for having marijuana. We bailed her out then as well.


And...she will continue to expect you to bail her out. Of ALL of life's 'issues with her.' 

IIWY, I would take her to a lawyer where you sit down and write up a loan agreement wherein she BORROWS the money from you and handles her own defense - like an adult. And agreement wherein the binding contract (meaning she can't get out of it) describes how she will pay you back the likely tens of thousands of dollars it will cost. 

Maybe THEN she'll think twice before breaking the law next time, when it affects HER pocketbook.


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## turnera

Marksummers said:


> My wife and I are going to help her, we just wish she learned the first time.


Did you make her pay back the legal fees the first time? I'm guessing no.


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## Emerging Buddhist

turnera said:


> Did you make her pay back the legal fees the first time? I'm guessing no.


But I'm guessing if not before, he is more likely to this time...


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## JohnA

I am a huge cynic when it comes to the courts. "who ever said money can't buy happiness has never been arrested" is a truism. 

But what should it buy? First how are the judges and prosecutors elected/appointed ? Who are the people in their lives? Look for center of influences. 

If the area you live in appoints the judges, who are the elected people involved and which one's are tight with the judge band prosecutor. Who are their mentors and supporters? Who has been a life time friend, who are there inlaws find these background people. Look for a lawyer with a high success rate at reaching favorable plea deals. Often in these situations it is never 5 grand gets 3 years with 1 year instead of ten years in on a 15 year sentence. Instead it is based on a long term support both politically and personally forming a mutual aid admiration association. 

Do not get caught with her friends making a deal leaving your daughter to be the wall trophy to prove how tough the prosecutor is.


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## Blondilocks

What is your daughter's attitude? Is she at least scared?


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## jimrich

Marksummers said:


> she needs to learn a lesson


My question is: What LESSON are you and your wife learning about the type of parenting that produced a drug addict? :surprise:


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## NextTimeAround

jimrich said:


> My question is: What LESSON are you and your wife learning about the type of parenting that produced a drug addict? :surprise:


I think some reflection is good for both the OP and anyone else with children. But don't be too cheeky. It's not uncommon. A friend of mine from high school had to report her son to the authorities. 

Yes, one always asks what could they have done differently.


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## browser

jimrich said:


> My question is: What LESSON are you and your wife learning about the type of parenting that produced a drug addict? :surprise:


That's not fair. There isn't always a correlation between parenting and how the child turns out.

Neglectful, abusive, lower class ghetto parents can produce Ivy League scholars and upper middle class, doting attentive parents can produce criminals. It can be do to who the child meets, their genetic makeup, random circumstances in their lives, and just plain bad luck.


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## turnera

Around here, everyone knows that if you want drugs, you go to the kids at the 'rich' school. They're the ones whose parents throw money at them and tell them to go 'do something' - i.e. stay out of our hair. And that's been that way since I went to high school, 40 years now.

We're friends with a lot of cops, and they've all told us that that's true - they watch out for the rich kids more than for the poor ones. For drugs anyway. More theft among the poor ones, more drugs among the rich ones. There's one mall here where it's all high class stores, and one cop told us that's where they catch most of the drug sellers. Cos those kids have money, natch.


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## jimrich

If kids had ADEQUATE PARENTING, none of them would turn to drugs, etc. - Rich or Poor! Parenting is the bottom line unless one needs to toss in genetic or natural stuff but even then, good parenting will make things better while bad parenting gives us what we have right now - a run away herd of messed up kids - who will turn out the NEXT HERD of messed up kids!


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## Lon

jimrich said:


> If kids had ADEQUATE PARENTING, none of them would turn to drugs, etc. - Rich or Poor! Parenting is the bottom line unless one needs to toss in genetic or natural stuff but even then, good parenting will make things better while bad parenting gives us what we have right now - a run away herd of messed up kids - who will turn out the NEXT HERD of messed up kids!


There is a difference between being a drug addict or drug abuser versus a young adult choosing to experiment and use recreational drugs responsibly. Same goes for alcohol, tobacco, caffeine and sugar except those just happen to be legal. Now you could say that responsible users would not break the law to use such a substance, but it is quite clear to the rest of the free world that drug laws, dealing with marijuana in particular, in places such as OK are incredibly oppressive and unfair. Either way, laying the blame on the parents, even if it were so, adds nothing constructive to the OP to actually help someone he loves and feels a duty to support do anything to secure her best chances at a meaningful life.


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## farsidejunky

jimrich said:


> If kids had ADEQUATE PARENTING, none of them would turn to drugs, etc. - Rich or Poor! Parenting is the bottom line unless one needs to toss in genetic or natural stuff but even then, good parenting will make things better while bad parenting gives us what we have right now - a run away herd of messed up kids - who will turn out the NEXT HERD of messed up kids!


Speaking as a poster:

This is naïve at best.

Speaking as a moderator:

Your previous comment was unnecessary. The one above doubled down on that unnecessary comment . You have no idea what steps the original poster may or may not have taken. 

Furthermore, this is a thread jack. If you would like to discuss this topic further, I suggest you create your own thread.


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## EleGirl

jimrich said:


> If kids had ADEQUATE PARENTING, none of them would turn to drugs, etc. - Rich or Poor! Parenting is the bottom line unless one needs to toss in genetic or natural stuff but even then, good parenting will make things better while bad parenting gives us what we have right now - a run away herd of messed up kids - who will turn out the NEXT HERD of messed up kids!


That's a clueless statement. 

Even when a child grows up with very good parenting, that child might end up on drugs. In today's world, the influence of friends is often stronger in the teens, twenties and beyond.


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## wilson

jimrich said:


> If kids had ADEQUATE PARENTING, none of them would turn to drugs, etc. - Rich or Poor! Parenting is the bottom line unless one needs to toss in genetic or natural stuff but even then, good parenting will make things better while bad parenting gives us what we have right now - a run away herd of messed up kids - who will turn out the NEXT HERD of messed up kids!


Actually raising kids is where you learn the difference between theory and reality. If and when you have kids, you'll find this out yourself. Parenting does have a huge influence, but parents can't control everything and don't know everything. Unless you have raised kids into adults, you truly can't comprehend the difficulties of the task.

I'm sure all of us can point to families we know where some kids are okay and some have problems. Although the kids were raised in pretty much the same environment, how they turn out can be very different.


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## browser

jimrich said:


> If kids had ADEQUATE PARENTING, none of them would turn to drugs, etc. - Rich or Poor! Parenting is the bottom line unless one needs to toss in genetic or natural stuff but even then, good parenting will make things better while bad parenting gives us what we have right now - a run away herd of messed up kids - who will turn out the NEXT HERD of messed up kids!


Some people can be so ignorant.


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