# Married/In Love/Stuck



## rsfan (Dec 25, 2012)

Married 32 years. Great kids, good family, good job. Kids left and realized not best friends with wife. Fell into affair with an amazing girl. Best friend ever had. Two years into this affair and can't find way out. Fear wife will be devastated and suicidal and too many people get hurt. Life is now a mess. Girlfriend has been patient and loyal but needs more. Completely in love with her but can't get through my marriage without devastation. Know it's wrong to stay in marriage while in love with another. Can't find me way. Has anyone ever screwed up this badly?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, let's say you aren't the first.

But that's not really your question, is it?


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## rsfan (Dec 25, 2012)

I was pretty sure I wasn't the first to be in this mess. I think I'm a good person. My wife is a good person but this marriage and friendship just doesn't work for me. I'm not happy. Perhaps she is and I know she feels marriage is a life commitment. I've just fallen completely in love with the best friend I've ever known, it's unbelievable and overwhelming. I keep thinking this thing will find it's way without devastation, just a reality check that the relationship doesn't work.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

rsfan said:


> Married 32 years. Great kids, good family, good job. Kids left and realized not best friends with wife. Fell into affair with an amazing girl. Best friend ever had. Two years into this affair and can't find way out. Fear wife will be devastated and suicidal and too many people get hurt. Life is now a mess. Girlfriend has been patient and loyal but needs more. Completely in love with her but can't get through my marriage without devastation. Know it's wrong to stay in marriage while in love with another. Can't find me way. Has anyone ever screwed up this badly?


First, I have total contempt for you. 

There was a reason you fell in love with your wife and now you have decided somewhere along the way to quit loving her/putting effort into the relationship and start screwing someone else. 

Well, your wife certainly needs to know what kind of a "man" she's married to. So tell her. Time to step up and be a man for a change. Try something you don't believe in- honesty. Sure it'll destroy her life. But that's already been done when you decided it gratified you to stop trying to rekindle your love affair with her and screw someone else.

Also, your kids need to know what kind of a husband you are as well. 

Why not tell her right away. It's only Christmas. You don't care anymore for her anyway.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Here is the way out.

One, end it with the OW....that relationship is sucking the life from your marriage.

Two, start working on your marriage.

Easy? No. But it is that simple.


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## rsfan (Dec 25, 2012)

Some of that is fair although harsh. I'm not trying to justify having an affair, it was wrong. It's not as simple as you make it, just tell the truth and let the devastation begin. That's not what I want nor what she deserves. But I will agree, your point is well made, and direct.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your wife? How many children do you have?

You need to tell your wife as soon as possible. She deserves to know so that she can decide what she wants in life. Hopefully she will find a man who loves her. Or maybe she will decide to just be a single woman who enjoys life on her own. What you are doing right now is you are playing God and denying her the right to make her own choices.

And keep in mind that only about 3% of affairs last very long after the married affair partner leaves their spouse. You are very likely to end up with this 'wonderful' girlfriend of yours. So you are likely to end up as an old man all alone.

What is so wonderful about a woman who has an affair with a married man?

We don't know what the problems are in your marriage. But that does not matter right now because having an affair is the wrong way to go. You should have divorced your wife before starting a new relationship. Affairs are the choices of cowards.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rsfan said:


> Some of that is fair although harsh. I'm not trying to justify having an affair, it was wrong. It's not as simple as you make it, just tell the truth and let the devastation begin. That's not what I want nor what she deserves. But I will agree, your point is well made, and direct.


How do you think you can avoid the devistation? You will will most likely find out about your affair. It's better that she hear it from you than from some other source.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Eventually your girlfriend will get tired of waiting, so will probably dump you.

Problem solved.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Here is the way out.
> 
> One, end it with the OW....that relationship is sucking the life from your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Avoid devistation....ya right

Good luck with that.

Sorry man, your old lady is going to be hurt, hell she may already have an idea hence the reason she is no longer your best friend.

You want to spend the rest of your life with a chcik that sleeps with married men...and you think this chick has the moral compase to be faithful to you?????

You have been in a fog for two years and I bet once the day to day crap in life start to hit you and your GF it won't be all sunshine and rainbows.

I can see you and your girl friend move in together and it lasting a year at best before you and her start looking for a new best friend.

Your dumping your old lady for a fantasy.

I suggest you dumb the fantasy!


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

What happened between you and your wife that led you into and affair? Did she stop loving you, having sex, meeting other needs of yours? When/where did everything go wrong.

Just curious what happened, and maybe with some of that info. you'll get different advice, though I'm sure many will still hold you in contempt for having an affair regardless of what else was going on.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You have two options - 
1. Tell your wife you are having an affair and work on your marriage, IF your wife doesn't tell you to get lost

2. Tell your wife you are having an affair and you want a divorce!

You can not have both!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Emerald said:


> Eventually your girlfriend will get tired of waiting, so will probably dump you.
> 
> Problem solved.


 And probably tell your wife......


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## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

you have promised her. she spend her years based on this promise.
I will say this considering you can't stop loving her or can't love ur wife, If you can overcome this do it at all costs. if you can't:

end your relationship, you gave your wife a promise, you don't have the right to be with some other woman, your wife doesn't deserve it. tell this to your wife, she deserves honesty. 

then divorce if you want and open a new page but keeping your affair with that woman which began when you were together is an insult to your wife. Is it bad for you? yes, but you made a wov. and she trusted you and your word for a life. you can't give her back her life, so do the right thing.

saying these, I am not an angry woman, I am a man so sorry for your situation. hope everything becomes well.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ladybird said:


> And probably tell your wife......


and your entire family.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"Know it's wrong to stay in marriage while in love with another. "

Shouldn't this read:

"Know it's wrong to be in love with another, while married" 

This thinking would have prevented the mess to begin with.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Here's a story for you:

Long time married couple, great grown kids, huge gorgeous home, lots of couple friends (us also), lots of vacations, living the good life....

Husband gets bored with wife & meets his "new soul-mate" wife finds out & divorces him. Gets alimony for life due to long-term marriage plus 1/2 assets. Husband moves in with g/f in her apartment. Kids "hate" husband. Husband loses all couple friends. Husband looks like old & broken down as the yrs. go by.......still stuck in small apt. with g/f.......

By posting here, I know you are conflicted & don't want to lose your wife & lifestyle otherwise you would be gone.

Look ahead to the future.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

rsfan said:


> I was pretty sure I wasn't the first to be in this mess. I think I'm a good person. My wife is a good person but this marriage and friendship just doesn't work for me. I'm not happy. Perhaps she is and I know she feels marriage is a life commitment. I've just fallen completely in love with the best friend I've ever known, it's unbelievable and overwhelming. I keep thinking this thing will find it's way without devastation, just a reality check that the relationship doesn't work.


In my opinion, it's better to go to work on the marriage or leave it without beginning an affair. I cannot begin to describe the devastating effect of learning that someone you rely upon and trust in has had so very little consideration and respect for your well-being. It can take years to recover, if recovery is even possible. Sometimes it isn't.

You're looking to avoid the devastation. My suggestion would be to tell your BFF that you need to set things right before continuing to see her. You might plan to be together. At this point, it sounds like that's where you're going. But I would recommend that you STOP seeing her completely for now. Start letting your wife know that you're not happy and wanting to leave. You'll have to cope with that fallout, and you'll have to be prepared to answer her if she asks if there is someone else, and if she wants to work on things and promises to do whatever it takes. Plan for these responses and know what you will say. It may help to rehearse in a mirror, because you're going to see a lot of heart wrenching pain from someone who you do still care about, but if you know you want to be with OW, you should not give your wife false hope. 

Once your wife knows that you want to divorce, initiate it and wait until it's completely settled before you connect again with OW.


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