# Help me to decide! whats right? I am exhausted



## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

Hi All,

I am from India, I got married in 2018 Dec.
In India we have arranged marriages, so i was setup with the guy A . I dint want to get married as i have tried for 2years by then and failed and just given up. I wanted to find love on my on terms, like the westerners do. So I warned my Parents to not set me up anymore , begged for 6 month gap for meeting guys endlessly. Then 3 mnths thu i got A's biodata and I wasnt interested, but i was forced and i was determined to say NO. But my fate took a turn, I ended up talking to him for 2.5 hrs straight in sep2018. our thoughts, opinions matched then. I was suddenly on cloud 9. our families agreed and we got engaged in oct and married in dec.

I ignored all the redflags, He said he broke up with his ex in grad, but he is still friends with her. I just ignored that. i guess i wanted to be happy. he said he hasnt spoken to her in 2.5 yrs. I tot thats good. but he only told me what i wanted to hear. In India , Exs cant be friends after marriage, its an unspoken thing that has to happen , we have to cut them out of our life. I assumed that wud be the case with me too. since i have never been in a relationship before my husband A. His Mom told me , he never calls to find out how the parents are doing, but sends money regurlarly for their survival. 

we have been married 3.5 yrs now and nver has he ever called his Mom or dad to simply find out how its going, In India we are very attached to parents and we talk and share everything, most of us atleast.

He was a bachelor from 2013 to 2018, Post grad from 2011 to 2013, lived alone with roomates.

He is an introvert, would not start a convo or a relationship with anyone . he doesnt come from money to even maintain a girlfriend, and all the people he hangs out with are super rich. He has this one friend from school, who is a social butterfly and has a lot of friends. so this friend took A in and they hung out at his mansion with all the things and food and luxuries that , A doesnt have from his family.

During graduation A got slapped by his father for staying out all the time, insubordination to father(happens in India) and for growing long hair like a hooligan itseems, since then the father son bonding has not recovered.

When A goes Home he stays for one hour tops to fresh up and , then flees to that mansion. where he is treated like a equal. but A' has never revealed his true social status to the friends, knowingly that they willl discriminate him.

Anyway, he kept going to parties where his ex is going to be, and when confronted about it, made me feel like i was paranoid. He wants to keep her dairy log she kept of their relationship, which look like a gone girl dairy with dates pictures and all the cute things they did together. I found is while cleaning, and confronted him about it, and he said, he would get rid of it, but dint for a long time.

I always felt like he treats me like i am not his wife but a GF. like he is treating me the way she would have wanted, this unsettling feeling was always there.

I Lost trust in him, I dont believe he married me because he genuinely liked me, he married me to show off to his friends and get that support his ex got when she got married in 2017. he wants the favor of his friends and he used me and my family.

his same friends told he was very selfish person, i was so blinded i did not see his true colors. he has been playing with me since we got married, saying he will do his responsibilities but never takes initiative. I tot its because he is not over his ex. But he wants to live in the moment, he was to take life by the day. and enjoy. He said the only place he finds happiness is with his friends. then asked why you married, he said for his parents, society etc etc.

He has no future plans , not goals, no aspirations at all. He studied from a very good institute which is hard to get into, and i tot he will be hardworking and we can have a family together.

He has been putting off kids, and now his ex had a kid recently, now he wants to hurry.

I feel there is some cold war going on, but why should i be in the middle of it.

I had already gone through **** with my life, i tot marriage life will be different, 

He only does the right thing to do, only if i am angry and pissed, only then, 

that means he knows what the right thing is, but wont do it until he is forced.

I Am scared to weather to continue in this marriage, When the kids come it will be more difficult .

I want to end it,so I left and came off to my parents since a month. He barely calls . He knows I got covid during this time, but he dint call to find out regularly and just messaged sometimes " hope u are doing fine"

Its have been like i am trying to change him into a responsible adult, but he is very resistant for any activities for family. His father is the same, his father lives in his mothers fathers house still at the age of 65.

I am the eldest daughter, my parents are supporting me , and saying they will support me for any decision i make.

I have been a total mess and unable to decide, Please help.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

do not have kids with this man

You tried to make the best of a bad situation (arranged marriage) but the guy isn't holding up his end. If your parents will support whatever you do, you may want to consider ending things.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

first it is good that you do not have children with this man , 
it is all so good that your family support you you what you do , 
Does this include if you go for divorce , and is it hard to get divorce in India


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

missgoodhearted said:


> In India we have arranged marriages, so i was setup with the guy A


I don't know much about how this works. Who selected him, and how?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, usually parents who support arranged marriages do not support divorce because of cultural stigma so if yours are okay with whatever you do that’s a step in the right direction.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

All marriage is a work in progress, arranged or not. It's hard work for both parties involved. If one party does not want to do their share of the work in building and nurturing a healthy relationship, it's time for the other party to make hard decisions.

It appears from what you describe is that your H is NOT fully invested in YOU. It's now up to you to decide if you want to continue down this very bumpy road. Discuss this with your parents and see if they will support you in divorcing this immature H.

And please don't allow him to get you pregnant before you decide to divorce or not! I stayed in an unhappy marriage for far too long and regret it! 

JMHO.


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

I Selected him , he hid many truth. Then My folks also approved, . turns out his parents also hid a lot of truth. 

They knew his true personality, but they tot if he got married, he will change in a responsible man. and i was the perfect enthusiastic idiot.


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

We were apart from each other for 1st 3 months of marraige, but he usedd to visit me every weekend. when i finally got work transfer and went to him to live to gether, he was least bothered to even give me a drawer, i lived out of my luggage for few months. he woke up at 2 in the afternoon and dint text me at all. i used to goto work by 9 am, and i wud wonder what my man is doing , did he eat what i made for him. how was his sleep . and i used to call him at lunch from work. but he was still asleep, or least botherd to answer, he wanted to be independant. he wanted more space.

he said i feel suffocated. Then i used to ask him questions abt his ex, and he would answer everything in detail. i asked because i tot he is still in love with her, becuz he is not showing any interest in our life. 

but without sparing my feelings he kept on telling me , when i asked the questions. instead of saying , this info will only hurt you so lets not talk abt my past, this is what he shud have said . but he dint.

he kept memories of her. and after we got engaged, wen we are beside each other, i saw his phone, and i saw his fav contact is her only. stillllll!!! i mean. 

All this made me loose interest in him. he is a deceptive , bad person. I tolerated for 3.5 yrs now.

My self confidence is low. he gasligst me saying its all in my head. that i am over thinking, and being dramatic.

he does what gives him happiness in that moment, without caring if it will hurt others or not. no remorse.


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

he brings out the worst in me. he makes me suspicious on purpose, i am usually very trusting person, hence this situation.

he makes no changes he is supposed to make and then blames me for being greedy for wanting more like kids, or a house, or travelling once in a while to get out of this rut.

he just wants to be by himself all the time. and has space for me only very very little.

every time we fight, i cry and ask him to not hurt me like this, and says sorry and that he is already doing his best, but he will do better, that he will try .

he always says he will try and he doesnt. he expects me to have no expectations from him at all, for me to just live independantly on my own and not bother him much.

he says if u want something , go make it happen, u are earning and i have no problem with anything. go do want you want

he also says he wud have no problem i was friendly with my EX. i never had a boyfrind so thats that.

He also said , he wishes i had one relationship, so that i wud understand. 

I gave him my virginity, and he said it doesnt matter, that hurt.

and this story of abuse , emotionally keeps going on and on....

lately when i am not well he is not even bothering.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

missgoodhearted said:


> We were apart from each other for 1st 3 months of marraige, but he usedd to visit me every weekend. when i finally got work transfer and went to him to live to gether, he was least bothered to even give me a drawer, i lived out of my luggage for few months. he woke up at 2 in the afternoon and dint text me at all. i used to goto work by 9 am, and i wud wonder what my man is doing , did he eat what i made for him. how was his sleep . and i used to call him at lunch from work. but he was still asleep, or least botherd to answer, he wanted to be independant. he wanted more space.
> 
> he said i feel suffocated. Then i used to ask him questions abt his ex, and he would answer everything in detail. i asked because i tot he is still in love with her, becuz he is not showing any interest in our life.
> 
> ...


you need to start now as I looked up divorce in India and it takes 2 years first to living apart ,
When the couples agree to a divorce, the courts will consider a divorce with mutual consent as per. Section 10A of Indian Divorce Act, 1869, requires the couple to be separated for at least two years, the couple only needs to provide that they have not been living as husband and wife during this period. 

he might fight this , you need to ask a legal person 


https://www.indiafilings.com/learn/indian-divorce-act/#:~:text=When%20the%20couples%20agree%20to,and%20wife%20during%20this%20period


.


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

[is there no way for him to change, I am such a good wife.

My parents saved up so much to cover the wedding costs.

In India, Divorce is a very big deal. The society is harsh .

What did my family do to deserve this, what did i do to deserve this.

God help me, I am already depressed from 2yrs, and have panic attacks.

Will i be able to get through this . I have no strenght , I was very pampered, i am not brave.

I dont know what to do.

Wont he change


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

missgoodhearted said:


> he brings out the worst in me. he makes me suspicious on purpose, i am usually very trusting person, hence this situation.
> 
> he makes no changes he is supposed to make and then blames me for being greedy for wanting more like kids, or a house, or travelling once in a while to get out of this rut.
> 
> ...


you have given all the reasons why this relationship will not work , 
he played you , you fell for it , now you see the light ,

can you now please respond to some of the questions the other posters have asked and help us to help you ,
what is it like to get a divorce in India today , 
are women that are divorced respected or looked down on ,
what type life can you expect to have after divorce,
do you want to divorce him or fix this ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

missgoodhearted said:


> [is there no way for him to change, I am such a good wife.
> 
> My parents saved up so much to cover the wedding costs.
> 
> ...


sorry we posted at the same time , 

HE WILL NOT CHANGE any change will be for the worse ,

your parents LOVE YOU they are not worried about the money they spent you come first and they are there for you 

From the people I have talked to from India they all tell me of how India IS CHANGING AND BECOMING MORE open , 

in many ways the Ireland I grow up in was like India it has changed so fast in the last 15 years I would not know it today I think India is in the same change


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I looked up goggle , 
THIS site seems to be helpful Coping With Divorce: 10 Tips For Indian Women


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you are in a better place than most to get out YOU need to look at the bright side , 
you have no children big plus , You have a job and you have your family behind you , 

Even his family are on your side


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

what is it like to get a divorce in India today ,

In my community, it is still rare, and the girls family will go thru emotional turmoil , the people will not have mercy to not ask, they will want to talk about it to my parents. out of curiosity, just to spite.

are women that are divorced respected or looked down on : 

Yes , They are always open minded ppl and there are backward ones . There are 3 divorcees in my family distant cousins, and the trash they talk abt them, i mean. My parents have to go through the same now. and i have a little sister.

what type life can you expect to have after divorce.?
My parents will always let me live in peace with them. But i might want to go far away, I dont have the strength now to do anything. but I can go for education abroad and try to carry on , heal and live.

do you want to divorce him or fix this ?
I Prayed for last 3 yrs to fix it. I is saying he will change, he will try and all. but i have seen him, he is like newtons law of motion, he will remain stationary until external force is applied. 
I am coming to terms with reality, he is not some1 i can tolerate for the rest of my life.

But it is so hard. I Still love him.

and i dont know if i will ever have a what all my friends have, a good husband, a kid and good life... i always wanted to be a Mother and have a family. I know he wont give it either. i just have to see others be happy.

I got detected with PCOD in March, I kept telling him that i already have thyroid, we need to hurry as it will cause other problems. but he dint listen.

he says he loves me, he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. but he is emotionally distant, sweeps his emotions under the rug and lives with out thinking abt consequences

I cant live with him, i cant live without him, i terrified of living alone for the rest of my life, i am horrified il die alone.


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

no his family is supporting him only


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

will he agree to a divorce , 
OR will he fight you on it and start telling you he will change , because he will never change , 
Do you want to live this life just say you you did not did alone , because your alone today and have been with the last 3 years, 

what do you think is the best I can't tell you what to do , as you live in a very different culture but if you help there are many women on here that lived for years in a relationship hoping it would change , lost years


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

missgoodhearted said:


> PCOD


the PCOD I don't know anything about , I looked it up and came up with PCOD (Polycystic Ovarian Disease) is a medical condition in which the woman ovaries produce immature or partially mature eggs in large numbers and over the time these become cysts in ovaries. Due to this ovaries become large and secrete large amount of male hormones (androgens) causing infertility, irregular menstrual cycles, hair loss and abnormal weight gain. PCOD can be controlled by diet and lifestyle modifications. 

you need to think about yourself and start putting yourself first


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## missgoodhearted (5 mo ago)

He will initially resist, He said we should go for marriage therapy.

I feel he should individually go for therapy , as he has many issues , that he procrastinates dealing.

Then he will say lets do whatever the counselors say, lets give it our best shot.

And if i honestly ask him , I am not happy with him, he will let me go..

I am really scared, and too weak now... never anticipated this... i have to stay strong... i am praying for strength, and il try to put myself 1st as this has taken a toll on my overall health and my family's too. 

Thank u French Paddy, for your kind support...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

don't stay in a relationship with someone that hurts you and does not respect you , 
Just because it is all you know and others expect you to put up with it , 
you should not except negative things from him and negative talk from people that should support 
you , many people will just see what they want to see , and some even will be happy in their point scoring in their small little minds ,

you know your now caught up in this long therm relationship that is not working out but you are too involved to see that your a lot stronger than you think you are and the people you think are important really are not 

BLOCK OUT ONE BY ONE THE PEOPLE THAT JUDGE YOU 
at the same time open you self up to new people that know better and more caring 
We all know the fair weather friends WHEN I moved to France I thought I had a lot of new friends , once I needed them they soon left , IT IS THE FRIENDS YOU MAKE WHEN YOU ARE DOWN 
are the ones that are not there just to profit from you , 

LOWERING YOUR standards because other people think you should be with this person , 
This person that lies to you treats you badly and all the other things he does to you .
don't settle for less 
YOU deserve better


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You were lied to. This is a man child not a husband. If somebody asks you why you got divorced you tell them the truth: he & his parents lied to you. He's a lazy bum who stays in bed until 2 pm, doesn't work & wants to cheat on you with another woman. Any sane person will understand why you left. 

If it helps you to feel like you tried everything to save your marriage, give MC a shot but make sure the therapist knows the above & that he is not in IC. A good therapist will pressure him to grow up. When he doesn't, you can walk with a clear conscious. 

Do not be down on yourself. You didn't create this mess. 

It is highly unlikely that he will change so do not count on that


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