# Everything in me points toward divorce...but could I be wrong?



## Meli (Oct 10, 2011)

I am going to lay all of my actions out on the table. I need honest feedback and I know I can not get that by holding back. So here goes...

I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. Since I was 16 and he was 21. We got married when I was 22 and have been married for 8 years now with three children. We have had a lot of rough years. He had an EA four years ago, I caught him. At that time he told me he no longer loved me, it was over, etc. We went to counseling, I forgave him and we moved on. Last year I had a PA. My husband does not know this. The AP and I both decided together to end it. 

I feel like I have not been in love with my husband for years. I stayed with him when I was younger because I felt I couldn't do any better. He was emotionally and mentally abusive for years. I was young, naive and scared to be on my own. He has grown up and changed a lot which I give him credit for but I feel it's too late. I no longer feel scared to be on my own. In fact I crave that. The fact that I can cheat on my husband and not feel terribly guilty, tells me it's time to go. This weekend I told my husband how I felt and that I wanted out. He is heartbroken but after our crazy history he understands(to an extent) why I would feel this way. I did not tell him about my affair. I seriously thought about it but based on his reaction(temporary insanity maybe?) I decided not to.

Right now we have decided to take some time to think. I promised to think about possibly having a future with him, to reconsider my feelings. He has promised to think about a future without me in it, how his life would look and what his future goals would be. We will make the decision in January as to whether we will seperate.

I am scared to make the wrong decision. We have been through hell and back and I will agree with him that things are better than they used to be. But I am just over it. We do get along as friends. We laugh and have fun when it is just us. But I am not happy. I can see a future without him. 

I appreciate any advice. Even if it is to tell me how horrible I am.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Meli said:


> I am scared to make the wrong decision. We have been through hell and back and I will agree with him that things are better than they used to be. But I am just over it. We do get along as friends. We laugh and have fun when it is just us. But I am not happy. I can see a future without him.


Life holds no guarantees that we will always make the "right" decision. However, I think you have answered your own question as to whether or not you should divorce. You were very young when you got together with your husband. People grow up. People change. 

Divorce is painful, regardless of how amicable the break. Maybe fear of the unknown and those painful feelings are holding you back. Granted, you have a shared history with your husband, but if the feelings are gone and you are anxious to move on, then it sounds like it's time to end things.

As far as the affair goes, it is long over, right? If so, I don't see any purpose in telling him about ancient history. If you decide to stay with him, then I believe it would be a good idea to come clean. If you leave, then telling him won't be of any benefit. JMO.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Not saying you are horrible, but anything of value in life does not come easy. Feelings change and come and go. In other words, feelings are fickle. When people say I feel "this" or "that", they honestly do. Only it is at that moment. From what I can tell both of you disconnected from the marriage. It looks like, based upon what you have provided, you both have not tried together to work through things. You have been doing your thing, and he has been doing his. At least, that is my impression. To make a decision an emotional one based on feelings is a direct path to regret. Maybe not intially, but at some point down the road. It seems as though you are encased in bitterness towards your husband. Of course you don't feel in love with him. The road back from bitterness and resentment is long and very trying. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? However, to work with him over time to overcome it can lead you to a closeness that you will NEVER have with anyone else. What you have to ask yourself is this: Can I open back up the hardness in my heart, deal with the pain, and become vulnerable to this relationship again? Right now, the answer is most likely no. But, if you both can get great people to mentor you through you both can change and have a NEW marriage with two new you's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, so are you willing to let him have the kids and house? Or are you thinking he'll just pickup and leave and continuing paying the bills so you can go out and explore freedom?

You do need to come clean about your cheating. I know you don't want to, because it WILL make you look bad. But you did decide to have the affair,so you need to own up to it.

Your children also deserve to know that it is mommy who as decided to end their family. Right now you have a husband who thinks it's his fault, not knowing it is you that selfishly decided to cheat.

You likely don't want to hear any of that do you? In fact as you read this, in your mind you are discounting and arguing with everything I said. It's still the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> As far as the affair goes, it is long over, right? If so, I don't see any purpose in telling him about ancient history. If you decide to stay with him, then I believe it would be a good idea to come clean. If you leave, then telling him won't be of any benefit. JMO.


:iagree: 

If you are moving on, no reason to make your H suffer, and go through the trauma of realizing you betrayed him. "Owning-up" doesn't serve any purpose.

So.... don't tell him.


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## sunny01 (Aug 8, 2011)

I understand how you feel. Have you sought counseling? Not that counseling is a sure thing, but it can help you affirm your feelings. Did he or you move out? My recommendation for you would be to make sure you are both on the same page during the separation and that you spend the time apart reflecting on yourselves and how/if you can make personal changes that will make your marriage better. If you find that you cannot, then that will help you in your decision. 

We happen to have some things in common. I have been with my husband since we were 15. I am strongly considering divorce after almost 12 yrs of marriage with 2 kids. We were recently physically separated and he did nothing to work on our marriage. Instead, he pushed me away and told me how we weren't compatible. He told me I needed to let him go and move on. Finally, I did after 5 mos. Then, he all of a sudden came back and wanted to win me back. I went through 5 mos of emotional hell and depression and finally accepted that he didn't want the marriage anymore. So I let him go. Now I'm supposed to just take him back? He has done a 180 and I'm not in love with him anymore. He really hurt me.

I wish you the best. Take each day as it comes and take this time during your separation to reflect on yourself. This is a big decision and it's good that you aren't making hasty decisions. Weigh the costs. That's probably the best advice I have gotten so far.

Take care.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Not saying you are horrible, but anything of value in life does not come easy. Feelings change and come and go. In other words, feelings are fickle. When people say I feel "this" or "that", they honestly do. Only it is at that moment. From what I can tell both of you disconnected from the marriage. It looks like, based upon what you have provided, you both have not tried together to work through things. You have been doing your thing, and he has been doing his. At least, that is my impression. To make a decision an emotional one based on feelings is a direct path to regret. Maybe not intially, but at some point down the road. It seems as though you are encased in bitterness towards your husband. Of course you don't feel in love with him. The road back from bitterness and resentment is long and very trying. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? However, to work with him over time to overcome it can lead you to a closeness that you will NEVER have with anyone else. What you have to ask yourself is this: Can I open back up the hardness in my heart, deal with the pain, and become vulnerable to this relationship again? Right now, the answer is most likely no. But, if you both can get great people to mentor you through you both can change and have a NEW marriage with two new you's.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Very well said. I know this is happening to me and my wife. The only problem is we dont know any people to mentor us. We dont want nobody to know the problem except us. But i think your right. Pepolep say things what they feel at the very moment. They mean it and theyre firm about it. But thats just today. No one knows about what will happen tomorrow. Only GOD knows. My wife even says she cant ever forget and forgive what i did to her. But I kknow she said that because her emotions are high. She want separation/divorce based on what she feels right now. And she said her decision is final.I dont really know if she will say that again if her emotions/anger/hatred settles down.All I can do is just PRAY for her to have the LORD guide her for thsi decision. I dont want to be included in the statistics. Its just I dont believe in it. People can and will work things out with proper communucation when theyre not angry. Just my thought....


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