# Adult children as "guests" or "Family" in the house?



## His_Pixie

I remarried in September and my husband moved into the house I had purchased the previous year. One of my daughters had been living with me but she moved out to be closer to school, but all three of my daughters are still in the area. My kids come into the house and make themselves at home--which I fully support and have always told them that "my house is your house." I don't expect to have to offer them refreshments or whatever--they are my CHILDREN even at 22 years of age. 

I learned today that my husband is affronted by their ease in helping themselves to the refrigerator or food or kitchen appliances. This astounds me. He says that when he goes to his father's house, he is a guest in his father's home and doesn't just help himself. This is not how I was raised and my mother would be appalled if she thought she was to "wait on me" in her house. I, too, would be appalled if my children felt they had to ask me for anything to eat or drink in my house. And I don't want him making them feel that way.

I recognize that we all come from different backgrounds but I wonder how many others have a difference like this. Are your adult children guests in your house or are they free to help themselves as if they lived there, too?


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## tacoma

His_Pixie said:


> I remarried in September and my husband moved into the house I had purchased the previous year. One of my daughters had been living with me but she moved out to be closer to school, but all three of my daughters are still in the area. My kids come into the house and make themselves at home--which I fully support and have always told them that "my house is your house." I don't expect to have to offer them refreshments or whatever--they are my CHILDREN even at 22 years of age.
> 
> I learned today that my husband is affronted by their ease in helping themselves to the refrigerator or food or kitchen appliances. This astounds me. He says that when he goes to his father's house, he is a guest in his father's home and doesn't just help himself. This is not how I was raised and my mother would be appalled if she thought she was to "wait on me" in her house. I, too, would be appalled if my children felt they had to ask me for anything to eat or drink in my house. And I don't want him making them feel that way.
> 
> I recognize that we all come from different backgrounds but I wonder how many others have a difference like this. Are your adult children guests in your house or are they free to help themselves as if they lived there, too?


Well when my adult children are living in my house I treat them like "tenants".

However when they`re living elsewhere and come to the house they aren`t guests.
They were raised here, this is their home.


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## GreenEyes

I am 28 with 2 kids and have my own house, but I go to my mom and dad's house all the time and my dad jokes that we are guests in the house, but he's not serious. They don't live in the house we were raised in anymore and I feel a bit odd sometimes doing whatever in their house, but the fact still remains that I'm their kid not a guest. Not that I take advantage of that in any way, that would be a different case I suppose.


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## LovesHerMan

We do request that our children call before coming over, but once they are here, they are not guests, but have access to the refrigerator, TV, computer, and anything else as if they still lived here.

I think you need to have a talk with your husband and explain that your children are different from friends. They will not feel comfortable in your house if they are treated with the distance of someone who must ask permission to raid the refrigerator.


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## SadSamIAm

I think it depends on how often this is happening. 

If they moved out but haven't really because they are still eating at home most of the time, then you should have a chat with them. 

Otherwise I think he needs to understand that he has married into a family. That your kids are part of the package and he needs to respect that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I think it may be his insecurity pulling out. They 'belong' more than he does. Ask him about it.

But, no, they are NOT guests. I would NEVER expect my daughter to have to feel like a guest wherever I lived. She's my child, for goodness' sake.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

lovesherman said:


> We do request that our children call before coming over, but once they are here, they are not guests, but have access to the refrigerator, TV, computer, and anything else as if they still lived here.
> 
> I think you need to have a talk with your husband and explain that your children are different from friends. They will not feel comfortable in your house if they are treated with the distance of someone who must ask permission to raid the refrigerator.


completely agree with this.

id hate to be getting busy on the kitchen table and have the daughters walk in.


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## His_Pixie

Thank you all for your replies! Turnera, I think you have hit on part of it, too ... he may feel a bit excluded or less part of the family, although my children love him and are happy to have him as their "step-dad"--a term they are more likely to use than he is. They have no problem seeing him and treating him as family; it's his reserve that exists. 

My daughters are "adults" in that they are 22 but they are all still in college (about to finish) so I do see them still as "dependents." It is really only one of my daughters that is likely to drop in (she texts first) and she has recently been through a lot of changes in her life, including a new diagnosis of severe Crohn's disease. 

We have talked and he says it's not going to be a problem; it's just not his way. He'll not stand in their way or try to inhibit them in our house. 

Again, thank you!


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## FirstYearDown

When I go to my parents or my brother's homes, I am not a guest.

My eldest bro was living with this woman. I ate ONE SMALL THING out of the fridge and she immediately lectured me about asking first.
I wouldn't come visit him for months after that because she made me very uncomfortable. I didn't say a word to my brother since I didn't want to cause a rift.

So I told my parents. My brother didn't understand why I wouldn't visit unless his girlfriend was not at home. My parents filled in him and my brother was appalled, since that is not the way we were raised.

I always ask when I go to the homes of my extendend family. They usually tell me to feel free to grab whatever I want. I am just being polite.


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## Mavash.

Both my husband and I act like 'guests' at our parents homes. We are of course free to help ourselves but we don't out of respect. We still ask first. We believe it's just a common courtesy.


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## Hope1964

My kids are 18, 20 and 22 and don't live here, and when they come home, they are coming HOME, not coming to visit. They are welcome to all the same things they were when they lived here.


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## fianceofangler

:iagree:


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## Corpuswife

I can see both sides....it's a matter of how often; how much (they eat); and how respectful they are....


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## captainstormy

Mavash. said:


> Both my husband and I act like 'guests' at our parents homes. We are of course free to help ourselves but we don't out of respect. We still ask first. We believe it's just a common courtesy.


This is pretty much how it works for the other half and I when we visit family. We aren't guests but we basically act like it.

I would find it disrespectful to just go into my moms fridge at 28 and grab a soda. I don't live there anymore, even thou I used to.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm. I feel at home to get a drink at my parents' house. But I make my daughter ask. Then again, I make her ask at home, too, to regulate her junk intake. It's different if someone grabs a piece of cheese to nibble vs. starts to cook up something. I think if it's more than a light snack, it's courteous to ask. Mostly because I might have needed that ingredient for a meal I was planning. 

I'm sure every family is different and it's nice they feel close to their step-dad.


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## daisygirl 41

Mavash. said:


> Both my husband and I act like 'guests' at our parents homes. We are of course free to help ourselves but we don't out of respect. We still ask first. We believe it's just a common courtesy.


This is what we do too. When I go to my mothers I am 'free' to have/do what I want but I always ask first out of politeness. Afterall I have my own home now, that is my mothers home. She wouldn't come to my house and just help herself either.
My children don't help themselves in my home either. They are fee to have what they want, but we have taught them to ask first, they are not allowed to raid the fridge or goodies cupboard without asking. When my children go to my pArents house too, they have been taught to ask first, out of courtesy.

It's difficult to change when you've been sound something one way for a long time and none of us are wrong in the way we do things, we all have different family dynamics. This needs to be sorted out with H though as it could start causing him to become resentful when you Ds visit and that would be a shame!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii

I couldn't imagine that. My family is family, no matter whose house we are in. No one knocks, they just come right in, help themselves etc. It's the way it's always been. I take that back, I've never felt at home at my mom's older sisters house. She is the only one in the family, out of like 5 houses, that I don't have a key for. All of my family, except that aunt, have keys to my house, the alarm code etc. It's just how I was raised. First thing everyone does when they go to my grandparent's house is head straight for the garage to the fridge-full of nothing but drinks, soda, beer etc. They don't even come in to say hi first...lol


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## captainstormy

Tikii said:


> I couldn't imagine that. My family is family, no matter whose house we are in. No one knocks, they just come right in, help themselves etc. It's the way it's always been. I take that back, I've never felt at home at my mom's older sisters house. She is the only one in the family, out of like 5 houses, that I don't have a key for. All of my family, except that aunt, have keys to my house, the alarm code etc. It's just how I was raised. First thing everyone does when they go to my grandparent's house is head straight for the garage to the fridge-full of nothing but drinks, soda, beer etc. They don't even come in to say hi first...lol


You should defenatly knock before going into someone's house. If for no other reason then you may find some family members doing something on the couch you don't want to see.


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## Tikii

captainstormy said:


> You should defenatly knock before going into someone's house. If for no other reason then you may find some family members doing something on the couch you don't want to see.


It's never been customary in my family to knock. The only time we knock is if the door is locked, which is rare. They tend to get annoyed if you knock. The general understanding is if the door is locked, don't come in. If it's unlocked, you're welcome.


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## captainstormy

Tikii said:


> It's never been customary in my family to knock. The only time we knock is if the door is locked, which is rare. They tend to get annoyed if you knock. The general understanding is if the door is locked, don't come in. If it's unlocked, you're welcome.


I suppose we are from different kind of families. If someone in my family regularly left their door unlocked everyone else in mine would tell them how bad of an idea that is. 

Doesn't really matter where you live, leaving your door unlocked isn't a good idea.


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## Tikii

If we are home the door is unlocked. There's nothing wrong with that. We live in a good area, with very little crime. If someone isn't home, we have a key if we need to get in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

I'm not american and cultural differences apply but my parents would probably be insulted if i started acting like a guest in their house. I know i would if my daughter did it when she moves out. My house, everything i have in there is hers too.


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## Dollystanford

I walk in and go to the fridge to have a nose around - pure habit ha ha
I'm allowed, I'm daughter number one - what's theirs is mine
it will be exactly the same for my daughter in my house however old she is


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