# Is it really over?...



## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Hey everyone. New here and just looking advice and possibly answers on our situation. We have been married for a little over a year. I emotionally abused and broke my wife (unintentionally of course) over the 5 years we’ve been together. She says she gave up last July. we had a conversation around august, since then i have realized what has happened and made a profound change within myself. She says she’s noticed I have changed for the better but just can’t get passed the hurt she’s experienced. In December she asked for a divorce but she still seemed indecisive in some conversations we’ve had after she actually asked for the divorce. Few days ago i asked her if she sees us together in the future and she said no. I dont know if it’s foolish on my behalf to still think we can be one again but i just care and love her deeply....I’m just hoping time helps her find that love for me again


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

It appears your wife has emotionally detached. Further, change is one thing. Lasting change is something very different. I suspect your stbxw is thinking the change will not last. In short, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. However, sometimes no matter how loud your actions speak, it is never heard. You may continue to keep the change and show it is lasting but it still my not be enough.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Yea that’s definitely gone through my head. Tough pill to swallow. Whenever we have these convos she remembers the things that have hurt in the past gets emotional but then says “im over it, doesn’t matter” then proceeds to tell me all these nice things and that she loves me and cares for me as a person but i killed the love she had for me. But it’s like i pushed her away with my behavior and is so driven on saving up and planning to leave in a few months and buy her own property. so it’s like a countdown for me. We are on speaking terms and very much cordial but there is that awkwardness there. We’re roommates at this point and it’s just killing me inside


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Unless you give more information about how you supposedly abused your wife it’s hard to advise you. 
What I wonder is if she’s rewriting the history of your relationship/marriage to suit her own agenda. Could there be someone else on the scene? 
If things were so bad why did she marry you?
Like I said you need to give more information but unless you actually have been emotionally abusive then I would start investigating if I were you.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Yea i’ve checked around doesn’t seem like anyone else is in the picture. But I was very much toxic to her emotions for @ least the last 2 years. Was arrogant in my ways thinking my way is the best and only way, put aside her wants and needs. She’s said that she married me thinking things would change but lost hope along the way. I wasn’t always abusive to her. I became that person with pressure just trying to balance my life, she became my punching bag (not physically) when ever i was frustrated. Didn’t even notice what i was doing to her or how and when i lost my way. I’ve always been a great provider, which she knows, but that can only go soo far....


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

It sounds like you are getting the ILYBNILWY speech. She already has you convinced that she is the victim and you are the aggressor. It may by true, maybe not.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

It’s true. I’ve had alot of time to reflect on the relationship as a whole and I definitely was the aggressor. If we ever got into conflict, I was the one who either initiated it or made it a bigger deal than it was. If she became emotional i would just dismiss the situation by stating “you’re just too emotional” or something to that effect. I was very rough and showed alot of tough love


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

If you have been abusive, I think it's amazing that you're willing to openly confess it and work through it.

This is a different forum that might be more appropriate for your needs:






Home | MEVAC - Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control


Visit our forum at: mevac.proboards.com




mevac.proboards.com


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Thnx I’ll check it out


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## Amomwithcamera (Dec 18, 2020)

I think she is hurting so much right now. Even though she can see the change you made, in her mind there is always a thought "what if you change back to the way it was and she ends up getting hurt again". 

I know what your wife is going through right now as I am experiencing it myself. I am just not there yet. But when I do make up my mind about leaving. I don't think I will change it. Because the fear would be too much. It is easier to forgive than to forget. 

Just talk to her and ask if she would give you another chance. Just show her that you love her and make sure she feels your love.

Saying that, I admire you for admitting your mistake and really make an effort about changing your way. If only my husband will do the same, I wont be here scrolling looking for an answer. But reading your story, I know there is a hope for me too.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I appreciate your honesty in starting off with the fact you emotionally abused her and even say you "broke" her. Not knowing the details of what any of that means it's hard to say if there is any chance of her being able to reconnect emotionally to you, I would have to say I doubt it. This might be a situation where you let her go and be a better man in the future so you do not repeat the same behavior that got you here. 

I think your best bet is to give her space, start the divorce process and start working on yourself, get counseling to process what made you treat her the way you did.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I appreciate your honesty in starting off with the fact you emotionally abused her and even say you "broke" her. Not knowing the details of what any of that means it's hard to say if there is any chance of her being able to reconnect emotionally to you, I would have to say I doubt it. This might be a situation where you let her go and be a better man in the future so you do not repeat the same behavior that got you here.
> 
> I think your best bet is to give her space, start the divorce process and start working on yourself, get counseling to process what made you treat her the way you did.
> [/
> ...


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I appreciate your honesty in starting off with the fact you emotionally abused her and even say you "broke" her. Not knowing the details of what any of that means it's hard to say if there is any chance of her being able to reconnect emotionally to you, I would have to say I doubt it. This might be a situation where you let her go and be a better man in the future so you do not repeat the same behavior that got you here.
> 
> I think your best bet is to give her space, start the divorce process and start working on yourself, get counseling to process what made you treat her the way you did.


Thnx and Yes i’m currently seeing a therapist. Its just really tough co-existing in the same space until she actually leaves. On the other hand, because she’s still around, it gives me hope she will have a change of heart.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

seblocal40 said:


> Thnx and Yes i’m currently seeing a therapist. Its just really tough co-existing in the same space until she actually leaves. On the other hand, because she’s still around, it gives me hope she will have a change of heart.


I went through similar 10 years ago. I started therapy/etc. At first, she had me believing that I was the one who "crushed" her, emotionally abused her, etc. I can tell you this.... you sound like a very introspective person. What I can tell you in hindsight..... is the person willing to strip themselves open and do the work usually isn't the problem. 

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Don't cling to any type of hope that she will stay. Work on you.... become the man you want to be. It will either help you down the road or heal your marriage. Both options are awesome. I've been remarried 5.5 years now, and it is the most rewarding experience of my life.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I went through similar 10 years ago. I started therapy/etc. At first, she had me believing that I was the one who "crushed" her, emotionally abused her, etc. I can tell you this.... you sound like a very introspective person. What I can tell you in hindsight..... is the person willing to strip themselves open and do the work usually isn't the problem.
> 
> Hindsight is a beautiful thing. Don't cling to any type of hope that she will stay. Work on you.... become the man you want to be. It will either help you down the road or heal your marriage. Both options are awesome. I've been remarried 5.5 years now, and it is the most rewarding experience of my life.


Excellent point and well said. Although she is a very loving person and was all about us at one point, she definitely has unresolved issues from her past but she just packs it in her invisible bag and keeps going, i’ve suggested she do counseling for herself but she’s not into it, says it reminds her of when she was younger and her parents got divorced (go figure smh). crazy because i never saw myself getting married, let alone divorced. now i want nothing more than to reconcile and live happily with this woman for the rest of my life.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

seblocal40 said:


> Excellent point and well said. Although she is a very loving person and was all about us at one point, she definitely has unresolved issues from her past but she just packs it in her invisible bag and keeps going, i’ve suggested she do counseling for herself but she’s not into it, says it reminds her of when she was younger and her parents got divorced (go figure smh). crazy because i never saw myself getting married, let alone divorced.* now i want nothing more than to reconcile and live happily with this woman for the rest of my life.*


That's your "fear of loss" talking. If someone isn't willing to to deal with her own crap, you don't want to be with her the rest of your life. It won't be happy. That just is what it is. The difference in being married to someone who is willing to own their part and being married to someone who isn't....... is incredible. Focus on what you can control, yourself. Establish healthy things that you want to see from your marriage and make boundries. ONLY THEN, is the reconcile/live happily option even possible.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

seblocal40 said:


> Yea that’s definitely gone through my head. Tough pill to swallow. Whenever we have these convos she remembers the things that have hurt in the past gets emotional but then says “im over it, doesn’t matter” then proceeds to tell me all these nice things and that she loves me and cares for me as a person but i killed the love she had for me. But it’s like i pushed her away with my behavior and is so driven on saving up and planning to leave in a few months and buy her own property. so it’s like a countdown for me. We are on speaking terms and very much cordial but there is that awkwardness there. We’re roommates at this point and it’s just killing me inside


Sorry about that. I recommend you keep the change. Make it lasting. It may not help with our current situation but certainly will help with our next relationship that will more than likely happen.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

seblocal40 said:


> Yea i’ve checked around doesn’t seem like anyone else is in the picture. But I was very much toxic to her emotions for @ least the last 2 years. Was arrogant in my ways thinking my way is the best and only way, put aside her wants and needs. She’s said that she married me thinking things would change but lost hope along the way. I wasn’t always abusive to her. I became that person with pressure just trying to balance my life, she became my punching bag (not physically) when ever i was frustrated. Didn’t even notice what i was doing to her or how and when i lost my way. I’ve always been a great provider, which she knows, but that can only go soo far....


The formula for disaster as you well know. It is unfortunate that your wife thought your behavior would change after marriage. That was a mistake on her part.


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## Luis (Jan 19, 2021)

seblocal40 said:


> Excellent point and well said. Although she is a very loving person and was all about us at one point, she definitely has unresolved issues from her past but she just packs it in her invisible bag and keeps going, i’ve suggested she do counseling for herself but she’s not into it, says it reminds her of when she was younger and her parents got divorced (go figure smh). crazy because i never saw myself getting married, let alone divorced. now i want nothing more than to reconcile and live happily
> 
> I’m in the same position, although we are not married we had a child together. I never seen myself having kids with anyone but when I met her she changed my entire perspective in life I wanted all the things I never thought I did.Through the 2 years of being together I have let her down constantly to where she couldn’t rely on my , I broke her emotionally she told me she would beg me for attention and she never did that for anyone. I realized it to late when I saw a message of her texting a guy noting drastic just her trying to get attention cause she never got it from me but since then I have change. This has been about 4 week she feels that I’m only changing cause I saw what I saw but I’ve apologized many times. I am changing because of what happened because it made me realize how ****ty I have treated her all the 2 years we’ve been together.She’s staying with her mom at the moment but I can’t help but think I can never get her back and I want to live ther rest of my life with her


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

it’s tough brother. Seems like we’re similar in the way that we need something profound and life changing for us to realize we need to change. i’ve been dealing with this for a solid 6 months. it’s been a bumpy ride man. like the wisdom mentioned above, we have to keep that change and better ourselves no matter what. There isn’t any right answer. Some people suggest to let go, some say love her from a distance but stay in the fight. There’s days i feel both lol. Won’t be easy but we will get thru this.


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## Luis (Jan 19, 2021)

That’s how I feel some days I feel like just letting go cause I love her but then she’s the only women to make me realize what I want in life and I just hate to know that the reason she’s leaving is cause I didn’t love her. Which is something that I can easily start doing because I do love her and I want to be in this, some days I feel like there’s hope but some days I just think there isn’t. I’ve been taking care of my son day and night she only has him for 2-3 hrs and doesn’t fight me for him to stay there. I don’t know if it’s cause I told her I needed him to help me through this or cause he’ll be a pain to handle while she works at night and sleeps in the morning. I over think a lot and the little tiny things make me think she wants to work it out. It’s been 7 days since she hasn’t been here and I feel like crap. All I want to do is get her back .


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Luis said:


> That’s how I feel some days I feel like just letting go cause I love her but then she’s the only women to make me realize what I want in life and I just hate to know that the reason she’s leaving is cause I didn’t love her. Which is something that I can easily start doing because I do love her and I want to be in this, some days I feel like there’s hope but some days I just think there isn’t. I’ve been taking care of my son day and night she only has him for 2-3 hrs and doesn’t fight me for him to stay there. I don’t know if it’s cause I told her I needed him to help me through this or cause he’ll be a pain to handle while she works at night and sleeps in the morning. I over think a lot and the little tiny things make me think she wants to work it out. It’s been 7 days since she hasn’t been here and I feel like crap. All I want to do is get her back .


i do the same, over think. I don’t know if there is free counseling out there you can get into but you should definitely look into it even if you have to pay. I feel better when i talk to a person about it. Some of us need an outlet. The biggest difference between us is that i don’t have kids with this woman so i hesitate to give my perspective on that dynamic.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, can you provide a couple of examples of your emotional abuse?

That would help us to give better advice.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, can you provide a couple of examples of your emotional abuse?
> 
> That would help us to give better advice.


I would tell her stop being lazy and procrastinating about alot of things whether it be cleaning or school work. get to the gym, i don’t want a fat girl nx to me. Sometimes i would come out nasty without a loving tone. talk negative about her friends and family. not include her in some of my plans and ignoring her. not showing affection. dismissing her ideas if they didn’t align with mine. I remember telling her “i got you the ring and you still wont shut up” when she was trying to plan our wedding (which we never had and just did it @ the courthouse because i kept discouraging a ceremony bc i wanted a house first). get on her for being soo absent minded. Making b


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

seblocal40 said:


> I would tell her stop being lazy and procrastinating about alot of things whether it be cleaning or school work. get to the gym, i don’t want a fat girl nx to me. Sometimes i would come out nasty without a loving tone. talk negative about her friends and family. not include her in some of my plans and ignoring her. not showing affection. dismissing her ideas if they didn’t align with mine. I remember telling her “i got you the ring and you still wont shut up” when she was trying to plan our wedding (which we never had and just did it @ the courthouse because i kept discouraging a ceremony bc i wanted a house first). get on her for being soo absent minded. Making b


 Making big deals about petty things. my emotional support for was extremely absent***


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

seblocal40 said:


> I would tell her stop being lazy and procrastinating about alot of things whether it be cleaning or school work. get to the gym, i don’t want a fat girl nx to me. Sometimes i would come out nasty without a loving tone. talk negative about her friends and family. not include her in some of my plans and ignoring her. not showing affection. dismissing her ideas if they didn’t align with mine. I remember telling her “i got you the ring and you still wont shut up” when she was trying to plan our wedding (which we never had and just did it @ the courthouse because i kept discouraging a ceremony bc i wanted a house first). get on her for being soo absent minded. Making b


I am so, so impressed you shared this. Honestly, this story sounds so awful. You robbed her of so much happiness. It’s hard to say if you two could ever reconnect since I am sure she has so much resentment. Even missing out on her weeding day is huge.

In my opinion, the only way you two could ever overcome this is making up for everything she lost. Have a wedding reception for starters so she can be a bride since this was important to her.

She is owed many “wins”. Good luck OP! At any rate you will at least grow and be better for someone else.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> I am so, so impressed you shared this. Honestly, this story sounds so awful. You robbed her of so much happiness. It’s hard to say if you two could ever reconnect since I am sure she has so much resentment. Even missing out on her weeding day is huge.
> 
> In my opinion, the only way you two could ever overcome this is making up for everything she lost. Have a wedding reception for starters so she can be a bride since this was important to her.
> 
> She is owed many “wins”. Good luck OP! At any rate you will at least grow and be better for someone else.


She deserves every last bit of it. Maybe one day I can have a redo and do it the right way. Thnx for your support


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

seblocal40 said:


> I would tell her stop being lazy and procrastinating about alot of things whether it be cleaning or school work. get to the gym, i don’t want a fat girl nx to me. Sometimes i would come out nasty without a loving tone. talk negative about her friends and family. not include her in some of my plans and ignoring her. not showing affection. dismissing her ideas if they didn’t align with mine. I remember telling her “i got you the ring and you still wont shut up” when she was trying to plan our wedding (which we never had and just did it @ the courthouse because i kept discouraging a ceremony bc i wanted a house first). get on her for being soo absent minded. Making b


Not only as a woman, but as a human being I don't know if I could ever recover from this -- I would see it as, there is NO way that a person who talks to me this way truly loves me or wants ME...and I would lose trust and respect for the man who treated me this way, and once that is gone, it's almost impossible to get back.

I think it's really courageous and insightful that you are so honest about this, especially with yourself, because that's the most important part! But you may have caused too much damage to her heart for her to ever trust you again...and I'm sad about that. 

You need to keep doing what you are doing, and try to stay positive, and remember to BE the new person who doesn't treat anyone like that again -- GOOD LUCK!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

seblocal40 said:


> I would tell her stop being lazy and procrastinating about alot of things whether it be cleaning or school work. get to the gym, i don’t want a fat girl nx to me. Sometimes i would come out nasty without a loving tone. talk negative about her friends and family. not include her in some of my plans and ignoring her. not showing affection. dismissing her ideas if they didn’t align with mine. I remember telling her “i got you the ring and you still wont shut up” when she was trying to plan our wedding (which we never had and just did it @ the courthouse because i kept discouraging a ceremony bc i wanted a house first). get on her for being soo absent minded. Making b



Thanks for responding. I want to give you credit for admitting to these......not everyone would be willing to do that. It takes courage.

Gotta be honest here.....this is tough to come back from. This stuff is nasty and abusive, and if your wife had come here and told us this stuff she'd be advised to dump you immediately.

You've got to look long and hard at what you're getting out of treating someone like that. Maybe you have low self esteem and wanted to tear her down...maybe it's a control tactic. I admit I don't understand how you'd think a woman would love you when you speak to her like that or why it took her telling you she was done to realize its not cool. 

This sends the message that it's really not about how she feels....it's about your life blowing up. I mean, you'd apparently be just fine continuing this if your life was going to remain intact. 

My boys father spoke to me like this and when I left he admitted that he didn't think i was going anywhere. That told me he actually didn't give a rat's ass about me....only the continuity of his life. I'm not sure he actually cared if I loved him or not as long as I stuck around and put out. Are you sure you actually love her? Or are you just afraid of your life blowing up? I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I spoke to someone I love like this.

Please continue therapy to look into where this is coming from. Let her go and maybe if she sees real change she'll want back in, but I doubt it. You aren't someone she feels safe with and likely never will be, but you can do better for you.


Note to everyone who went right to her rewriting history and she must have another guy: this is why you need more details.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Thanks for responding. I want to give you credit for admitting to these......not everyone would be willing to do that. It takes courage.
> 
> Gotta be honest here.....this is tough to come back from. This stuff is nasty and abusive, and if your wife had come here and told us this stuff she'd be advised to dump you immediately.
> 
> ...


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

seblocal40 said:


> She deserves every last bit of it. Maybe one day I can have a redo and do it the right way. Thnx for your support


Have you told her all of this? Again, it’s hard to really tell if you can win her back but I will say living together still may play out in your favor.

This type of growth will be hard to sustain but in the end you will become a better person either way. I feel so sad for you


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Have you told her all of this? Again, it’s hard to really tell if you can win her back but I will say living together still may play out in your favor.
> 
> This type of growth will be hard to sustain but in the end you will become a better person either way. I feel so sad for you


Spoke about it during our talks, during counseling, wrote her letter, thru texts. I just know there’s nothing more I can do or say except be better and not force myself on her. Letting her know i’m here if she needs me and trying not to add stress to her already hectic schedule (she works full time and has online classes after work)


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

That’s really brave of you for sharing... you show a lot of insight into what you’ve done. But little insight into any current or past feelings and emotions, yours or hers. Which might be the key to why she’s moving on, I see a real lack of feeling. I’m not at all picking on you btw, I could be wrong. 

Can I ask why you were like this to her? My husband goes through periods of similar abuse towards me, those comments really made me feel ‘why is he married to me if he absolutely hates me’. 

Did you love her then? You mentioned above you didn’t want to be married, let alone divorced. Do you want to be married now? And why do you want to be married to her?

Can I also ask if you have ever treated others this way, or does your wife get the worst? Are you really nice to everybody else? This may also put another layer of fear into her, because it means she has gone through some serious thinking for a long long time. (May not be relevant to you?) if this was you, please understand the mountain of fear of knowing that nobody would believe her.


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## Luis (Jan 19, 2021)

So today I found the guy she was messaging she told me there was no emotional connection to him. She said she just wanted to get something from him a feeing but that through all the I love you texts she felt nothing but I’m seeing that when we split he changed his status to in a relationship. I spoke to her today and ask her to just be honest with me and she said they’re not dating and she told him that rn she doesn’t want a relationship. It’s just very hard to deal with this also knowing that they work together. After the call I finally realized I did nothing wrong because even though she didn’t care for the person and didn’t do anything physical just 1 kiss we were apart I was her taking care of our kids while she worked and apparently was hanging with the guy regardless if she liked him or not. It just makes me feel worse about myself that instead of just leaving me she did these things. I also feel like if she wanted to get back with me I’d get back with her in a heart beat because even though she did that the ONLY reason was because I didn’t love her but I know there will always be a trust issue with me.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

There was another poster above who mentioned he was the same and did the hard work. But she left and he’s blaming her. Not accountable, no real growth. 

So, If she divorces you, will you take this same stance? The answer to this question NOW will indicate if you are 100% going to change and grow.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> That’s really brave of you for sharing... you show a lot of insight into what you’ve done. But little insight into any current or past feelings and emotions, yours or hers. Which might be the key to why she’s moving on, I see a real lack of feeling. I’m not at all picking on you btw, I could be wrong.
> 
> Can I ask why you were like this to her? My husband goes through periods of similar abuse towards me, those comments really made me feel ‘why is he married to me if he absolutely hates me’.
> 
> ...


my behavior towards her in the past emulated how i’ve treated my relatives and people i love who have also hurt me and i’ve carried bitterness with me for a long time and she was one of the people that received that from me unfortunately. I loved her back then but there were times that i had doubts about us because we would bump heads on certain things but i put it aside because i knew she loved me unconditionally. That kind of made me complacent and think she’d never leave me. in turn, i never realized my behavior. I am madly in love with her and want to stay married with her no doubt in my mind. She is kind, caring, a womderful mother (she has a son from previous relation), driven, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, funny, sweet etc.... many positive things made me fall for her. wish i told and showed her more in the past how much i appreciate her despite my ridiculous behavior. there’s were times in the past when she’s actually said i feel like you hate me and i would just looked at her confused say are kidding me if i hated you or wanted out i would left. i was soo oblivious and stupid to see the signs that i needed to change or id lose her smh


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## Luis (Jan 19, 2021)

Well honestly don’t know if you’re referring to me cause we weren’t married just engaged but we had a baby together he’s now 1 years old and 2 months. She’s left to here moms and took most of her stuff with her and it wasn’t up to this point where I truly understand that although what I did was wrong regardless I was here at home taking care of our kids 2 of them whil she worked 11 hours a day and then she would sometimes leave for 16 hours a day to hang with friends while I was home with our children. At this point I see 2 options love her and keep trying or love her and just let her be.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Luis said:


> So today I found the guy she was messaging she told me there was no emotional connection to him. She said she just wanted to get something from him a feeing but that through all the I love you texts she felt nothing but I’m seeing that when we split he changed his status to in a relationship. I spoke to her today and ask her to just be honest with me and she said they’re not dating and she told him that rn she doesn’t want a relationship. It’s just very hard to deal with this also knowing that they work together. After the call I finally realized I did nothing wrong because even though she didn’t care for the person and didn’t do anything physical just 1 kiss we were apart I was her taking care of our kids while she worked and apparently was hanging with the guy regardless if she liked him or not. It just makes me feel worse about myself that instead of just leaving me she did these things. I also feel like if she wanted to get back with me I’d get back with her in a heart beat because even though she did that the ONLY reason was because I didn’t love her but I know there will always be a trust issue with me.


yea that’s hard man sorry to hear that. seems like you need to really take a step back from the situation like myself. can’t force anything. we made our mistakes, are now working on ourselves, things have to play out accordingly now. it’s just the nature of the beast, we can’t make people do what we want. hang in there brother. this shall soon pass, just make sure you are there for the kids


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> There was another poster above who mentioned he was the same and did the hard work. But she left and he’s blaming her. Not accountable, no real growth.
> 
> So, If she divorces you, will you take this same stance? The answer to this question NOW will indicate if you are 100% going to change and grow.


No I know I messed up and I created this environment. that’s what kills me the most, the guilt of knowing that i was at fault and this could have been avoided long ago if my head wasn’t so far up my ass smh


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## Luis (Jan 19, 2021)

seblocal40 said:


> No I know I messed up and I created this environment. that’s what kills me the most, the guilt of knowing that i was at fault and this could have been avoided long ago if my head wasn’t so far up my ass smh


 That’s exactly how I feel brother , the guilt on knowing I caused this to happen. Which is why I forgive her for what she did cause it was all my fault. If I would’ve paid attention and did the little things we would be cuddling right now watching tv and I wouldn’t be her asking for help. I appreciate you being her man honestly best help I’ve gotten all week.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Luis said:


> That’s exactly how I feel brother , the guilt on knowing I caused this to happen. Which is why I forgive her for what she did cause it was all my fault. If I would’ve paid attention and did the little things we would be cuddling right now watching tv and I wouldn’t be her asking for help. I appreciate you being her man honestly best help I’ve gotten all week.


No worries. talking about it helps. You know, the old cliché, even tho we don’t like hearing it, all is in the past. We can’t beat ourselves up for too long. doesn’t help at all.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

seblocal40 said:


> my behavior towards her in the past emulated how i’ve treated my relatives and people i love who have also hurt me and i’ve carried bitterness with me for a long time and she was one of the people that received that from me unfortunately. I loved her back then but there were times that i had doubts about us because we would bump heads on certain things but i put it aside because i knew she loved me unconditionally. That kind of made me complacent and think she’d never leave me. in turn, i never realized my behavior. I am madly in love with her and want to stay married with her no doubt in my mind. She is kind, caring, a womderful mother (she has a son from previous relation), driven, intelligent, beautiful, sexy, funny, sweet etc.... many positive things made me fall for her. wish i told and showed her more in the past how much i appreciate her despite my ridiculous behavior. there’s were times in the past when she’s actually said i feel like you hate me and i would just looked at her confused say are kidding me if i hated you or wanted out i would left. i was soo oblivious and stupid to see the signs that i needed to change or id lose her smh


This is what I was hoping to hear, I can actually feel your pain and I’m so sorry to hear what she went through and you really do have a huge chance at fixing this. I hope it’s not too late for you and I think if you can really open up to her, and maybe even show her these posts that things will really turn a corner. 

Again, it’s really really great that you can admit all of this, too many people never see the light.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> This is what I was hoping to hear, I can actually feel your pain and I’m so sorry to hear what she went through and you really do have a huge chance at fixing this. I hope it’s not too late for you and I think if you can really open up to her, and maybe even show her these posts that things will really turn a corner.
> 
> Again, it’s really really great that you can admit all of this, too many people never see the light.


i appreciate your insight thnx a bunch. blessings to you and your loved ones. I hope you 2021 is filled with love and peace


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## Irishdoormat (Jan 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> This is what I was hoping to hear, I can actually feel your pain and I’m so sorry to hear what she went through and you really do have a huge chance at fixing this. I hope it’s not too late for you and I think if you can really open up to her, and maybe even show her these posts that things will really turn a corner.
> 
> Again, it’s really really great that you can admit all of this, too many people never see the light.


You sound like you're fishing for reassurance to make good for your mistreatment and neglect of your obvious adoring and committed wife. She sounds like a loyal committed, good hearted woman. Sounds like she has given her all to you, have you given yours in return? Does she deserve better? If you really love her and honour her for the loyal, intelligent, sexy mammy that she is, let someone else lift her up and adore her how she deserves. You had your chance. You blew it. Hurt cant be healed just like that that, it takes time and looks like you have wasted enough of her good years Especially if shes good to you and you have been a "kant" to her. C'est la vie, let her find true love and the respect she quite obviously deserves.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Irishdoormat said:


> What did you do to her? D****head?!





Irishdoormat said:


> You sound like you're fishing for reassurance to make good for your mistreatment and neglect of your obvious adoring and committed wife. She sounds like a loyal committed, good hearted woman. Sounds like she has given her all to you, have you given yours in return? Does she deserve better? If you really love her and honour her for the loyal, intelligent, sexy mammy that she is, let someone else lift her up and adore her how she deserves. You had your chance. You blew it. Hurt cant be healed just like that that, it takes time and looks like you have wasted enough of her good years Especially if shes good to you and you have been a "kant" to her. C'est la vie, let her find true love and the respect she quite obviously deserves.


definitely appreciate that. im just a guy who knows he ****ed, i’m a good man who’s made terrible mistakes. w.e happens i just wish her all the happines she deserves


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## Irishdoormat (Jan 20, 2021)

seblocal40 said:


> definitely appreciate that. im just a guy who knows he ****ed, i’m a good man who’s made terrible mistakes. w.e happens i just wish her all the happines she deserves


Did you actually communicate that to her?


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Irishdoormat said:


> Did you actually communicate that to her?


yes


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I also can see that you’re not once being defensive - that speaks volumes for you. Thank you for your wishes, I wish the same for you and your wife. You have not once blamed her, this will mean so much to her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your only chance is to let her go.

If you chase they just move farther away.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Your only chance is to let her go.
> 
> If you chase they just move farther away.


That’s the mode im in right now, I can’t force anything. Thnx for the advice.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Luis said:


> That’s how I feel some days I feel like just letting go cause I love her but then she’s the only women to make me realize what I want in life and I just hate to know that the reason she’s leaving is cause I didn’t love her. Which is something that I can easily start doing because I do love her and I want to be in this, some days I feel like there’s hope but some days I just think there isn’t. I’ve been taking care of my son day and night she only has him for 2-3 hrs and doesn’t fight me for him to stay there. I don’t know if it’s cause I told her I needed him to help me through this or cause he’ll be a pain to handle while she works at night and sleeps in the morning. I over think a lot and the little tiny things make me think she wants to work it out. It’s been 7 days since she hasn’t been here and I feel like crap. All I want to do is get her back .


She's NOT the only woman that can get" you in this life. That's something you and only you are telling yourself. 

Reality is it may be difficult at first but after you split, divorce, get your fairy tale version (which is ridiculously wrong and harmful to you) out of your head.....

you'll find out how future female relationships can be uplifting and guilt free, and how normal, better female companionship can be.

And much less stress!

Imagine a true partner!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you don't change the locks while she's AWOL you're foolish, in a kindly manner, I hope is coming across, to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you don't change the locks while she's AWOL you're foolish, in a kindly manner, I hope is coming across, to you.


Who are you talking to?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Who are you talking to?


@Luis


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Luis said:


> That’s how I feel some days I feel like just letting go cause I love her but then she’s the only women to make me realize what I want in life and I just hate to know that the reason she’s leaving is cause I didn’t love her. Which is something that I can easily start doing because I do love her and I want to be in this, some days I feel like there’s hope but some days I just think there isn’t. I’ve been taking care of my son day and night she only has him for 2-3 hrs and doesn’t fight me for him to stay there. I don’t know if it’s cause I told her I needed him to help me through this or cause he’ll be a pain to handle while she works at night and sleeps in the morning. I over think a lot and the little tiny things make me think she wants to work it out. It’s been 7 days since she hasn’t been here and I feel like crap. All I want to do is get her back .


If it's been 7 days, that's the clincher it's over.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

seblocal40 said:


> Hey everyone. New here and just looking advice and possibly answers on our situation. We have been married for a little over a year. I emotionally abused and broke my wife (unintentionally of course) over the 5 years we’ve been together. She says she gave up last July. we had a conversation around august, since then i have realized what has happened and made a profound change within myself. She says she’s noticed I have changed for the better but just can’t get passed the hurt she’s experienced. In December she asked for a divorce but she still seemed indecisive in some conversations we’ve had after she actually asked for the divorce. Few days ago i asked her if she sees us together in the future and she said no. I dont know if it’s foolish on my behalf to still think we can be one again but i just care and love her deeply....I’m just hoping time helps her find that love for me again


If I know women, she probably gave you chance after chance to change. She probably told you a lot, and you never took what she said seriously enough, and now she is emotionally detached. I can understand why she would be. Also, what did she say that made her seem indecisive about divorce?


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> If I know women, she probably gave you chance after chance to change. She probably told you a lot, and you never took what she said seriously enough, and now she is emotionally detached. I can understand why she would be. Also, what did she say that made her seem indecisive about divorce?


You’re absolutely right. There were times she asked that i change but I didn’t take her seriously and was selfish, arrogant in my ways. She said she knows im a good man and sees the change and effort i’ve made but can’t shake the feeling of how i made her feel in the past....


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

seblocal40 said:


> You’re absolutely right. There were times she asked that i change but I didn’t take her seriously and was selfish, arrogant in my ways. She said she knows im a good man and sees the change and effort i’ve made but can’t shake the feeling of how i made her feel in the past....


Well, let it be a learning lesson, to take what a person says in the future more seriously. Not much else you can do. Once you see and experience something, in many cases you can't unsee it. That seems to be the case for her.


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## seblocal40 (Jan 19, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Well, let it be a learning lesson, to take what a person says in the future more seriously. Not much else you can do. Once you see and experience something, in many cases you can't unsee it. That seems to be the case for her.


I’ve learned soo much from this. it has changed my interactions and outlook on my life as a whole. after this experience, I can honestly (in a progressive way) say i’ll never be the same.


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## Luis (Jan 19, 2021)

So today I asked her if she’d like to come back not to work things out but to be able to sleep. Her mom has her running around she only gets 2 hrs of sleep a day and then she has to take her mom everywhere like a slave. The mother treats her like crap and I feel so bad because I’m the reason she’s living there because I didn’t love her and pushed her away. She came back , she was hesitant and wants to try it out see how the environment is. She fell into depression and I felt like her staying at her moms was gonna be making things worse for her.


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