# Daddy Issues



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

I have several threads on this forum explaining my narcissistic/sociopathic dad who first cheated on then divorced my mom. Left to another state so he didn't have to be bothered seeing me and my brother and didn't want to pay child support. He continues to "stalk" me every couple of years and I've done my best to keep him away from my life. The psychological toll that he inflicted on my head is severe and invalidated by my mom who thinks "I shouldn't worry about it."

So, this leads me down a strange path. Since I was a little girl I always wanted a daddy to take care of me but that didn't happen. So as a child of 10 I would look to father figures, my upstairs neighbor and my uncle both who showed me kindness but also showed me perversion. My upstairs neighbor had Penthouse magazines in his apartment and there was a cartoon at the end of the magazine "Wicked Wanda" which showed women playing bondage and engaged in orgies. This neighbor would make very inappropriate sexual remarks and informed me he would sleep with me when I turn 18. (That never happened. I thought he was gross.) My uncle kissed me on my mouth and tried to get me to play with his penis when I was 11 but I refused. 

I believe this corrupt beginning has led me to have strange ideas about sex. Whenever I fantasize it's always very violent. I'm always being tied up and gang raped. But when it comes down to actually having sex with my husband I avoid it and therefore, we don't have too much sex. 

Does anyone else have this kind of issue?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I would ask, and this is probably something you've answered before, but how much does your husband know? I mean, how much does he REALLY know?

Abandonment issues I totally understand. I haven't seen my biological sperm donor father since I was 3...I'll be 45 in a couple weeks. I was never stalked or whatnot, just abandoned.

I was also sexually abused by a female babysitter from the age of 8 until 11. It totally warped my sense of sexuality and what it was really about. It wasn't until I was in my mid 20's that I was able to talk to a therapist about my "issues" and that's when I realized the truth of my abuse. See, as a young boy everyone kind of envied me. I was taught to believe she was my girlfriend!! When this came totally out in the open I struggled for a good year with pain and even guilt. My fantasies of a woman "taking care of me" were probably the biggest guilt trip I had going.

Yes, I still have odd fantasies, so you know what I did? I told my wife about them. ALL of them. She shared hers as well. Opening up that line of communication has done wonders for our sex life. We're doing stuff that neither of us ever imagined (no swapping!!!!) and it is goooooood stuff!

Ever thought of your husband bonding you and dominating you? I mean, you're married to him. There should be no taboo between you.


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Err... I have something somewhat similar. But not ready to talk about it openly. Even somehow anonymously. I command you for making this thread though... I hope I can chime in later.

I will, however, keep my eyes peeled to this thread. @[email protected]

And I am very sorry to hear about your awful experiences and the lack of support from your mother.  I can also somewhat relate to the daddy issues and being sexually betrayed by someone you trusted- considered family.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I would ask, and this is probably something you've answered before, but how much does your husband know? I mean, how much does he REALLY know?
> 
> Abandonment issues I totally understand. I haven't seen my biological sperm donor father since I was 3...I'll be 45 in a couple weeks. I was never stalked or whatnot, just abandoned.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry you were abused by your babysitter. That's a crime and that woman should be in prison forever.

My husband knows about all of these things, my horrible father (who he met) my upstairs neighbor who attended our wedding and my uncle. He knows I crave being taken care of and he really does take care of me. I've tried introducing him to psychological BDSM. I don't like being hit. But I do like restrain, extreme dirty talk and being dominated in bed. He has a low sex drive so none of these things come natural to him. He's tried supplements that do get him hard but he doesn't have the sex drive to want to rip my clothes off and dominate, so the sex is really passive and I try to avoid it. I get more satisfaction with my fantasies and my vibrator. Sometimes I can have four hours of continuous organisms.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Loyal Lover said:


> Err... I have something somewhat similar. But not ready to talk about it openly. Even somehow anonymously. I command you for making this thread though... I hope I can chime in later.
> 
> I will, however, keep my eyes peeled to this thread. @[email protected]
> 
> And I am very sorry to hear about your awful experiences and the lack of support from your mother.  I can also somewhat relate to the daddy issues and being sexually betrayed by someone you trusted- considered family.


I'm sorry you had a bad experience as well. When and if you feel ready, you can share. I'd like to hear but not until you feel comfortable.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't know that your childhood abuse has caused your rape fantasies. Most women have rape fantasies. And most women who do fantasize view them as either completely erotic, or at least partially erotic and partially aversive.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Have you talked to a sex therapist? They might can better help you with where rape fantasies come from. I have never had that fantasy.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> Have you talked to a sex therapist? They might can better help you with where rape fantasies come from. I have never had that fantasy.


No. I haven't spoke to a therapist regarding the fantasies. I do know that most women have rape fantasies but I think my childhood has to do with mine or at least contribute to some of the problem.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Let me preface this by saying I am anti-pharmaceutical due to all the crap that's peddled on television and get's people in the mindset to self-diagnose themselves. That said, have you gone the route of having him tested for low testosterone? I'm not doctor or anything, but that just seems to be what I'm reading from your story. 

Another thought...maybe out there...does HE have anything in his past that is possibly preventing him from wanting to act out more sexually? I mean, a wife who can have 4 hours of orgasms is quite the handful and maybe there is some kind of worry that he can't satisfy you that is holding him back. I'm just throwing stuff out there...


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Let me preface this by saying I am anti-pharmaceutical due to all the crap that's peddled on television and get's people in the mindset to self-diagnose themselves. That said, have you gone the route of having him tested for low testosterone? I'm not doctor or anything, but that just seems to be what I'm reading from your story.
> 
> Another thought...maybe out there...does HE have anything in his past that is possibly preventing him from wanting to act out more sexually? I mean, a wife who can have 4 hours of orgasms is quite the handful and maybe there is some kind of worry that he can't satisfy you that is holding him back. I'm just throwing stuff out there...


He doesn't have any history of abuse sexual or otherwise. He had decent sexual experiences but was never big into sex. He was a little intimidated by my past sexual experiences in the beginning of our relationship but that was a very long time ago. I rarely speak of past sexual experiences and only do so when encouraged. When we first met he did seem to have an aversion to giving oral sex which didn't sit well with me. I had past boyfriends who liked giving it and did so with a lot of emotion. It was a pretty big disappointment that he didn't like doing it and it almost was a deal breaker in the beginning of our relationship. Now when he does give me oral I get very worried and don't let him do it for too long because I know it's not really his thing. I think that aspect really put a "damper" on the whole sex thing and I never really saw him as a sexual being. That and the fact he was a bit too enmeshed with his parents made him seem very sweet but not very sexual. 

But I have moved passed this and value all the other wonderful gifts he has to offer, which in the long run, are more important to me.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sounds like you guys could use one of those sexual retreats where you really get in touch with each other and your sexuality. You worry about him performing oral due to his aversion, yet you CRAVE it as it was almost a deal breaker. That's kind of a big deal. I know it's easy to stuff this junk down and be "okay" with it.

But are you really okay with it?

Yes, his other gifts are the most satisfying to you, as you say - and that is awesome. However, it is sometimes those deep inner feelings...things that we just don't want to talk about because, well...they can be pretty f'ng uncomfortable to discuss! THOSE are the things that really need to be on the table and out in the open. Those are the things that make our love even that much better when we can openly talk about them.

But that's just me. I sometimes enjoy a little time away in a land of unicorns and rainbows. It's the Pisces in me


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Enchanted, I've told you before how I appreciate how open and honest you are. First off, I want to say that although i'm not a woman nor have I experienced sexual abuse, I understand your issues. There are many young women who lack positive male role models and when they thought they had found that, their trust was betrayed. Even despite these horrible experiences, you seem to be a very loving and confident person. 

I think there is a few things going on. I think maybe what attracted you to your husband is his loving qualities. He is a caretaker. I think though (like my father), caretaker men sometimes have a hard time setting themselves free. Because they often have to think for other people. And can sometimes be a bit prudish. I think you would like your husband to want you on a primal level. No thinking involved. No wondering about if this is "gross or not?" Just having you ravage each other. I think your fantasies are about you feeling liberated and pleasured. You don't want to be in control. You want to be overpowered and have a man/men physically submit you to their will in a sexual way.

I know many women that have gone through what you have. But I don't know many who are as self aware.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Sounds like you guys could use one of those sexual retreats where you really get in touch with each other and your sexuality. You worry about him performing oral due to his aversion, yet you CRAVE it as it was almost a deal breaker. That's kind of a big deal. I know it's easy to stuff this junk down and be "okay" with it.
> 
> But are you really okay with it?
> 
> ...


I am OK that we aren't exactly sexually compatible. Having sex with him has always been a bit forced instead of passion driven. The affection comes easy. I'm extremely affectionate with him and like to lay in his arms. I enjoy having his body close to mine.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> Enchanted, I've told you before how I appreciate how open and honest you are. First off, I want to say that although i'm not a woman nor have I experienced sexual abuse, I understand your issues. There are many young women who lack positive male role models and when they thought they had found that, their trust was betrayed. Even despite these horrible experiences, you seem to be a very loving and confident person.
> 
> I think there is a few things going on. I think maybe what attracted you to your husband is his loving qualities. He is a caretaker. I think though (like my father), caretaker men sometimes have a hard time setting themselves free. Because they often have to think for other people. And can sometimes be a bit prudish. I think you would like your husband to want you on a primal level. No thinking involved. No wondering about if this is "gross or not?" Just having you ravage each other. I think your fantasies are about you feeling liberated and pleasured. You don't want to be in control. You want to be overpowered and have a man/men physically submit you to their will in a sexual way.
> 
> I know many women that have gone through what you have. But I don't know many who are as self aware.


You're right about the "prudish" part. I was use to men who were very sexually aggressive and pushed me to do different sexual acts. I was a bit angry that my husband seemed to have a lot of sexual hang-ups. But he can't help who he is and what he needs to feel comfortable having sex. He likes things very clean. I liked things down, dirty and crazy. I do miss that part of my life which is what the vibrator and fantasies are for. 

My husband does take care of me. He offers me true love, stability and kindness. Those qualities are so rare and important.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> You're right about the "prudish" part. I was use to men who were very sexually aggressive and pushed me to do different sexual acts. I was a bit angry that my husband seemed to have a lot of sexual hang-ups. But he can't help who he is and what he needs to feel comfortable having sex. He likes things very clean. I liked things down, dirty and crazy. I do miss that part of my life which is what the vibrator and fantasies are for.
> 
> My husband does take care of me. He offers me true love, stability and kindness. Those qualities are so rare and important.


Do you think maybe he feels that you didn't enjoy that kind of sex and were taken advantage of? And maybe he's hypersensitive about using you so to speak or imposing his will on you?


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> Do you think maybe he feels that you didn't enjoy that kind of sex and were taken advantage of? And maybe he's hypersensitive about using you so to speak or imposing his will on you?


No. When I spoke of my past sexual experiences it was always in a very positive and excited way. Plus, I had a boyfriend who enjoyed giving oral sex which is how I got my very first organism. My past sexual experiences with boyfriends was really good, which is why I don't talk about them; I don't want to make him feel bad. He just doesn't have the same appetite that I have and the way I like it. It's something I've accepted a long time ago. He's accepted it as well and laughs when he sees how many batteries I go through in a month.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Rape fantasies are quite common, nothing to be ashamed of, and not necessarily a result of your past. You might consider incorporating some role playing into your sex life where you can explore these feelings with your husband while remaining safe and in control. 

This question comes up frequently on Dan Savage's podcast over at thestranger.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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