# Glad to be divorced from him for the first time



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

For those who don't know my story: Married 25 years, together 27. Have a 14-year-old son. Last October, he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, swore there was no one else. Did the in-house separation thing for several months; he swore there was no one else. Found out about the OW he'd met the previous September in February. Separated in May. Divorced in July. He now lives with her 10 minutes away in the same town. To his credit, he remains a big part of our son's life. But I've struggled to move on because I maintain contact with him due to our son.

Until last night.

My ex is a pilot and is currently on a trip. He was in another state last night. He calls our son at night when he's on trips like this to check in and chat with him.

Yesterday, I got a call from my son's school that he had been injured in PE and needed to be picked up and taken to an ER for stitches and to be evaluated for a concussion. It turns out he had been playing basketball, went up for a rebound with another boy, they collided in mid-air, and he came down hard on his forehead. He was unconscious for several seconds, and had bled quite a bit from a gash near his eyebrow. The drive from his school to the ER was terrifying. I held it together so as not to scare him, but I was freaking out inside. He said he was dizzy and nauseous, couldn't remember what happened, and was seeing double in both eyes.

A CT scan and seven stitches later, they said he has a mild concussion but no other brain injury or bleeding, he remembered everything and his vision cleared, and he was able to come home.

He's had no fever or other ill effects since, other than that he woke up with a swollen eye because he couldn't keep the ice pack on it in his sleep, and is already pestering me to go to the mall today and have a friend sleep over.

So, last night, his father calls. When he asked him how his day went and how basketball practice (he's on the school team and would have had practice after school, which he of course missed), he said, "I'd think you'd better talk to Mom."

I very calmly told him the basics about what happened and what they did and found out at the hospital, and before I could tell him he's doing fine since, the stitches don't look too bad, etc., he goes "Well, Sh!t. Now he's gonna fall behind in his basketball practice and not be able to play for a while." I told him games don't start for two more weeks, and he only needs to take 10 days off. He goes, "He needs to pay attention to what's going on and be more aware of his surroundings. It's all because he isn't getting enough sleep and going to bed early enough.  Well, I'm waiting for another phone call, so I have to get off the line. Then, I have to get up early and fly all day tomorrow until 9:00 tomorrow night. I'm exhausted. We'll discuss this more on Sunday."

Um. Actually... No, we won't. 

I've never felt supported by him in all the years we were together. My Dad used to say, "You know, if he doesn't have your back on these little things, he isn't going to be there for you when the big stuff happens." Everyone else could see it but me. Until now.

I'm so very sorry something like this had to happen to show me. But here it is at last: Good riddance.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Married for 30 years, together for 35, divorced for 4. I didn't have to maintain contact with x as my three daughters are all adults (26,30,32) so glad for that. With that being said.... Congratulations! and just realize that those moments are going to be more frequent and more intense as the years go by, they have for me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I understand, my ex was like that too. When our younger son was born he had a very large head and I had to take him for an mri to look for water on the brain, which causes disabilities. It was terrifying for me and not only did my ex not go to any appts but never even asked how they went. 

Fortunately my son was fine, he just had a large skull that he grew into. 

Years after we divorced the same son got stung by a wasp and had a bad reaction, with swelling heading up his arm. He was with ex at the time, and ex texted me a picture. I told him to meet me at the ER with son, and once he did he literally dropped him off and turned around to leave. .... son was 9 or 10 at the time. 

I had to ask him to at least take older son home where my hb was waiting, which he did, but then he went home and went to bed. A few hours later they decided to transfer son to the children's hospital and admit him, so when I called ex he thanked me for telling him and went back to bed. 

Nice right? 

I'd left him so I was already glad to be rid of him, but this was one more example of why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Well girl you have been working toward "Meh" for a long time and you are there! I'm sorry that your son was injured and your Ex was a narcissistic @ss about it. From the way you have described your Ex things wouldn't have gone any different even if you were still married, your dad is right.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand, my ex was like that too. When our younger son was born he had a very large head and I had to take him for an mri to look for water on the brain, which causes disabilities. It was terrifying for me and not only did my ex not go to any appts but never even asked how they went.
> 
> Fortunately my son was fine, he just had a large skull that he grew into.
> 
> ...


Yep. When I look back over our son's life, I see it as clear as day, now.

He was born five weeks early and had to be in the NICU for four days to get his glucose level and temperature regulated. I had a private hospital room with a fold-out couch. He didn't spend one night with me there. When our son was four, he had to have hernia surgery. He didn't do great coming out of the anesthesia and got fluid in one lung and had to stay overnight. Guess who stayed with him? Not him.

Through our whole divorce process that he caused and initiated, he constantly complained about how exhausted he was. Never once showed any concern whatsoever about me, or more important, his son. It's always, as my brothers say, All About Him

Narcissism at its finest.

So glad I really don't have to deal with his crap anymore. Be good to our son, or as good as it is you're capable of. Don't talk to me about anything else but him. Ever.Again.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

These things take time, NMB. However, nothing accelerates that time window like an @$$hole showing their true colors...



I am glad to hear you have turned a corner!

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

No More Beans, Hoosier, Life is too Short, Kristin and Farside Junky ~

This thread and your posts were a reality check for me today. 

I am in the midst of divorcing a Narcissist Idiot from Hell. I have been married 33 years and I have a 30 year old son. 

I saw my STBX in this thread.

NMB ~
Your story was unbelievable and I just want to push your ex's face in for his response to you. He's a piece of work.

LTS ~
Oh my God, is your ex selfish !!!!!

I am waiting to be as strong as all of you. 

Oh, NMB, I was bothered by your son's school calling you to take him to the ER. They should have called 911 to bring him as precious time was wasted by calling you. What if something happened on the way to the ER. You cannot drive a car and attend to an emergency at the same time. Perhaps they felt he was OK to wait for you but that is/was a poor judgement call with a head injury. Is that the Policy at his school? I would address this protocol with the Principal or the Board of Education. The School Nurse took a risk with your son and her License.

VH


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## Philglossop1 (Nov 14, 2015)

It's a weird but nice feeling when it happens.

I got promoted at work in May last year and my salary went from £17K a year to £28K plus overtime. I'm clearing after tax and deductions about £700 more a month compared to my salary when I was with XH. It's a massive difference and my life is getting better each month.

But there is no nicer feeling knowing that my spend stupidly debt riddled XH can't get his fingers on my new salary. It makes me smile every pay day thinking about it.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

VeryHurt said:


> No More Beans, Hoosier, Life is too Short, Kristin and Farside Junky ~
> 
> This thread and your posts were a reality check for me today.
> 
> ...


Very good point, VH. I did ask the nurse whether it would be better to transport him in an ambulance, and she just said something like, "We don't do that." I'll definitely look into the school's / district's policy on that. I understand getting a parent's verbal approval first - but even there - what if you can't reach the parent? What if I had been in a meeting and missed the call, and he sat there for another hour and had a brain bleed or swelling going on? Very scary to think they can't or won't make the judgement call to call 911 in a potentially life-threatening emergency.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> Very good point, VH. I did ask the nurse whether it would be better to transport him in an ambulance, and she just said something like, "We don't do that." I'll definitely look into the school's / district's policy on that. I understand getting a parent's verbal approval first - but even there - what if you can't reach the parent? What if I had been in a meeting and missed the call, and he sat there for another hour and had a brain bleed or swelling going on? Very scary to think they can't or won't make the judgement call to call 911 in a potentially life-threatening emergency.


Stranger things have occurred when someone hits their head and MINUTES can be a matter of life or death in some circumstances.

An ambulance is an extension of the ER and they are equipped to help a patient on the way to the hospital.

The School Nurse was stupid, irresponsible and/or lazy.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> Very good point, VH. I did ask the nurse whether it would be better to transport him in an ambulance, and she just said something like, "We don't do that." I'll definitely look into the school's / district's policy on that. I understand getting a parent's verbal approval first - but even there - what if you can't reach the parent? What if I had been in a meeting and missed the call, and he sat there for another hour and had a brain bleed or swelling going on? Very scary to think they can't or won't make the judgement call to call 911 in a potentially life-threatening emergency.


Oh, you don't need a parent's approval to save a life. 
Call the damn ambulance!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

O


kristin2349 said:


> Well girl you have been working toward "Meh" for a long time and you are there! I'm sorry that your son was injured and your Ex was a narcissistic @ss about it. From the way you have described your Ex things wouldn't have gone any different even if you were still married, your dad is right.


Yes, you're absolutely right, Kristin.

More things are coming to mind, now. Our son had some mild developmental delays due to his mild prematurity. Our state at the time offered free physical, occupational, and speech therapy in order to help him catch up. I don't recall my ex going to a single one of those sessions - and we did about 40 of them - with us, or offering to take him himself. I'm right there with you, Life is Too Short - I guess it doesn't occur to narcissists that other people sometimes need some support. It doesn't, because other people's feelings don't matter to them. At all.

It's so clear to me now, but I never once saw it the whole time we were married. Not consciously, anyway. But deep down, it disconnected me from him to the point that I began to find him repulsive, even though he's actually a very attractive man.

Not to derail my own thread, but something else I see very clearly now is this: Men here at TAM who lament that their wives no longer seem interested in them say the same thing over and over: "I don't understand why. I help out around the house and with the kids. I stay fit and well-groomed. Isn't that enough?"

Would you men think that was enough if it's all your wife did in your marriage? Or would you think that's just their fair share of the chores and the parenting, and to be expected? In which case, how can you possibly think that's all you need to do?

Women often want just what men want: To feel valued, respected, and supported, and like our thoughts and feelings matter.

A narcissist is not capable of that. They see everything only as it affects them and their feelings. They wouldn't know empathy if it, as Very Hurt so eloquently said, pushed their face in.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that I won't fail to recognize narcissism next time. He will be the last one I'll ever seriously deal with again.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

NMB (& others who divorced a Narcissist) ~

I hope you you don't me asking how the divorce went with your ex?

Was he irrational, spiteful and unreasonable ?

I am ready to commit myself to the loony farm with my "Idiot Boy!"

I am wondering if I should start a thread of "Divorcing a Narcissist?"

VH


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

VeryHurt said:


> NMB (& others who divorced a Narcissist) ~
> 
> I hope you you don't me asking how the divorce went with your ex?
> 
> ...


In my case, the narcissist was irrational and unreasonable only in his huge hurry to get the divorce done and dusted. He asked for the divorce and started the ball rolling on it in February. It was final by July.

I think he wanted to be able to tell people we were already divorced before he met her - he took great pains to get us divorced quickly, and then waited a couple months before moving her in with him from another state. You see, narcissists can't have anyone judging them unfavorably.

In doing this, he clearly had zero concern for how it all made me feel. I remember quite clearly how, at the beginning of July, he had his lawyer file for an "expedited" court date and finalization - he said he wanted it done before he left for a month to Dallas for a month-long training class. I asked him what the big hurry was, and he goes, "I just don't want this hanging over my head while I'm in training. You know how stressful that is for me."

"This" being, I guess, the end of his 25-year-long marriage and the final demolition of his family. Or perhaps even the marriage and family, themselves.

You'd think that'd be enough to get me to the "Meh," but no.

You see, again - it's All About Him. He had zero concern for my feelings about the matter because my feelings - really, all others' feelings - don't matter to him.

Spitefulness, no. I've never seen that with this one. Spite is at least a very passionate emotion. He's not capable of passionate emotions. He hurt me deeply on a number of occasions not by deliberate spitefulness, but by his very evident lack of regard for me as a fellow human being, let alone as the wife he'd just spent 27 years and had a son with.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yep. When I look back over our son's life, I see it as clear as day, now.
> 
> He was born five weeks early and had to be in the NICU for four days to get his glucose level and temperature regulated. I had a private hospital room with a fold-out couch. He didn't spend one night with me there. When our son was four, he had to have hernia surgery. He didn't do great coming out of the anesthesia and got fluid in one lung and had to stay overnight. Guess who stayed with him? Not him.
> 
> ...


You are right to leave this heartless cheater. He didn't know the details and the scare was over for him, but his lack of concern is def. evidence of no empathy.

Sorry, but I think you're long overdue to have some resolve. Congrats. Don't let him play until he's cleared with doc. Very serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Nomorebeans said:


> In my case, the narcissist was irrational and unreasonable only in his huge hurry to get the divorce done and dusted. He asked for the divorce and started the ball rolling on it in February. It was final by July.
> 
> I think he wanted to be able to tell people we were already divorced before he met her - he took great pains to get us divorced quickly, and then waited a couple months before moving her in with him from another state. You see, narcissists can't have anyone judging them unfavorably.
> 
> ...


We will never fully understand how these cold robots operate !!!
Take Good Care of Yourself and your Son


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NMB, he would have done this even if you were married. I'm just so glad your son was in YOUR care when this accident occurred! Otherwise, he'd have been lectured and blamed for it, and it's highly unlikely he'd received the proper after care he needs. 

I'm glad that this event, however unwelcomed, has helped inch you toward a picture of reality of who your ex really is. One step closer to total healing!!!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> Not to derail my own thread, but something else I see very clearly now is this: Men here at TAM who lament that their wives no longer seem interested in them say the same thing over and over: "I don't understand why. I help out around the house and with the kids. I stay fit and well-groomed. Isn't that enough?"


Yeah, we have a frequently used saying in my workplace. "Good behaviour is not an achievement, it's an expectation."

The whole word 'helping' makes it clear that the full responsibility usually falls on someone else, too. No wonder 'help' is considered a bonus by the person doing so, if that's their underlying thought process. But to the other person, the 'helper' is falling far short of expectations.

Hmm. I'm completely diverging from your topic, but other threads talking about similar things are on my mind I guess.

That thread about the divorce over drinking glass guy. I often tell my children "if you aren't willing to help me with this chore, then at least don't be a hindrance." The guy there was not just not helping, he was being a hindrance, in his wife's mind at least, but not his. That was a problem.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> NMB, he would have done this even if you were married. I'm just so glad your son was in YOUR care when this accident occurred! Otherwise, he'd have been lectured and blamed for it, and it's highly unlikely he'd received the proper after care he needs.
> 
> I'm glad that this event, however unwelcomed, has helped inch you toward a picture of reality of who your ex really is. One step closer to total healing!!!


I'm so glad he was in my care, too. You've hit the nail on the head: Not only can I do this - I AM doing it. My son is now certain, beyond any reasonable doubt, that he can count on me. Not just to get him taken care of, but to not blame him for it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

NMB, don't take his call. Let it go to voicemail or wait for a text. You don't have to accept a lecture from Mr. Wonderful(snark). You are far to busy being a human being.

I am so glad you son is going to be ok. Did the MD recommend he stay off computers? Funny, my eldest also go a mild concussion in gym class while the class was playing baseball. Like yours, our school cannot call an ambulance, since her life was not currently in peril. She was babbling away on the trip to the ER-she was quite funny. Unlike your ex, when I told her father, I got "what am I supposed to do about it" -a real sweetie he is. And he wonders why she wants nothing to do with him.

MEH. Its a lifestyle choice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have had these same types of issues with my daughter's dad, my first husband. Pays his support fine, but has been worthless as a dad. She is 19, and just recently has told him what she thinks of him as a dad, and has basically cut him out of her life now. Sad, but he brought it on himself.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Pluto, yes, the MD and the discharge instructions said to "limit screen time - that means computers, smartphones, and television." Some people have said when their kids got concussions, the docs said to limit their looking at computer screens, but not TV.

The main thing with the doctor/ER was limiting activity - no PE or basketball or vigorous exercise for 10 days.

My ex's unspoken attitude seemed to be "What am I supposed to do about it?" He also seemed annoyed that it happened, like it was somehow my and/or my son's fault. Kids at school who witnessed it said the other boy grabbed on to him while he was going after the ball and sort of took him down, almost like a tackle, but as my son started to remember it himself, he didn't feel like he took him down on purpose - more like he got tangled up with him, and they both went down. How was he supposed to avoid that, again? (The other boy did call at the end of the day, very upset for having caused his injury, and apologized to him and asked if he was OK.)

He has been pretty much back to normal since Saturday. I've been having him rest a lot and stay away from the computer and his video games all weekend, much to his chagrin. The only ill effects have seemed to be a little swelling of his eyelid each morning that quickly goes down with some ice. This morning, he didn't even have that again.


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