# Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?



## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Just wondering if it's possible. Is there something specific to say?

*Not talking about your spouse or SO, obviously. Just someone you know.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?*



Daisy10 said:


> Just wondering if it's possible. Is there something specific to say?
> 
> *Not talking about your spouse or SO, obviously. Just someone you know.


I don't know if there is a universal statement. However I do know how I would react to finding out someone I know was planning to cheat on their partner. I would outright tell them being betrayed in thay way is the most painful thing anyone can go through. I would tell them to fix the relationship or end it, and that deceiving their partner would not only affect that relationship but would also cause me to lose respect and trust for them, likely ending the friendship.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Depending on the specifics, I might also hint, or even bluntly state, that it is likely if the cheating happens and the other does not find out independently and immediately, I might feel compelled to let the other know.

Or I might not. Whatever seems most likely to avert the train wreck and help get the issues out on the table.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I tried. They didn't listen.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Lon said:


> I don't know if there is a universal statement. However I do know how I would react to finding out someone I know was planning to cheat on their partner. I would outright tell them being betrayed in thay way is the most painful thing anyone can go through. I would tell them to fix the relationship or end it, and that deceiving their partner would not only affect that relationship but would also cause me to lose respect and trust for them, likely ending the friendship.


Admittedly it has caused me to lose respect for her but I feel like I can regain that again if it stops. I think my friend cares about her general reputation and her comfort but not really her husbands feelings. She's sort of checked out of the marriage and is angry at him. She also seems to think that she won't get caught and even if she does, he won't leave her. I kind of think he won't leave her either. 

I don't really want to end my friendship with her, we've been friends since high school. I've tried to stop her. She believes the affair won't last because neither of them want to leave their spouse, and it's just something that they're enjoying for the moment. I want to believe that it will end too, but not soon enough.

It wouldn't really be hard to get her to stop talking about it. I know her and if I keep telling her to work on her marriage instead, she will stop talking to me about it. She doesn't really want to hear that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?*



Daisy10 said:


> Admittedly it has caused me to lose respect for her but I feel like I can regain that again if it stops. I think my friend cares about her general reputation and her comfort but not really her husbands feelings. She's sort of checked out of the marriage and is angry at him. She also seems to think that she won't get caught and even if she does, he won't leave her. I kind of think he won't leave her either.
> 
> I don't really want to end my friendship with her, we've been friends since high school. I've tried to stop her. She believes the affair won't last because neither of them want to leave their spouse, and it's just something that they're enjoying for the moment. I want to believe that it will end too, but not soon enough.
> 
> It wouldn't really be hard to get her to stop talking about it. I know her and if I keep telling her to work on her marriage instead, she will stop talking to me about it. She doesn't really want to hear that.


I'm not telling you what to do or say, just letting you know from my perspective what it was like when my exW cheated on me. Her closest friends, whom I trusted to some extent to help maintain marital boundaries, became my biggest adversaries. Part of the humiliation for me was knowing that all these people knew of her affair and none tried to stop her or even let me know. I lost a lot of "friends" over her affair.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Just wondering if it's possible. Is there something specific to say?
> 
> *Not talking about your spouse or SO, obviously. Just someone you know.


I don't know. Can you talk a heroin junkie out of chasing after their next high? The two are remarkably similar in their pursuit of doing whatever it takes to feel the "love".


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?*



Nsweet said:


> I don't know. Can you talk a heroin junkie out of chasing after their next high? The two are remarkably similar in their pursuit of doing whatever it takes to feel the "love".


No but then you speak with the heroin addicts loved ones to arrange an intervention, atleast if you care about them.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Admittedly it has caused me to lose respect for her but I feel like I can regain that again if it stops. I think my friend cares about her general reputation and her comfort but not really her husbands feelings. She's sort of checked out of the marriage and is angry at him. She also seems to think that she won't get caught and even if she does, he won't leave her. I kind of think he won't leave her either.
> 
> I don't really want to end my friendship with her, we've been friends since high school. I've tried to stop her. She believes the affair won't last because neither of them want to leave their spouse, and it's just something that they're enjoying for the moment. I want to believe that it will end too, but not soon enough.
> 
> It wouldn't really be hard to get her to stop talking about it. I know her and if I keep telling her to work on her marriage instead, she will stop talking to me about it. She doesn't really want to hear that.


Go tell her husband! It's the right thing to do instead of enabling her to cheat and lie to her husband, and to you! She's not treating you like a friend so much as co-conspirator, and she's using you to lean on for support when she's just using her husband as leverage to the OM and using the OM to avoid her problems. If you want this affair to stop tell her husband and break your friendship off with her. Either way she'll grow up and lose one if not both men in her life. And then she can be angry and bitter over not dealing with her problems in the first place.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Lon said:


> No but then you speak with the heroin addicts loved ones to arrange an intervention, atleast if you care about them.


Do you know anything about addicts? That's not what talks them out of getting treatment. Talking only gets you false promises and tearful apologies, maybe a half-assed attempt to change, but all of this only lasts until you let your guard down and they can use again. 

The only thing that works with the intervention is the ultimatum "you get help or we're all turning our backs on you". And that's the same thing that works for cheating spouses. You don't tell them you show them "I know about the affair and I'm leaving you" and that usually does the trick, at least for a little while. 

It's pretty complicated but cheaters freak out when they lose their plan B because keeping you takes a lot more work than the AP. But like I always warn these spouses gungho for reconciliation too soon, "They will only fight to get you back to keep you as their back up". It takes time and effort to show you how serious they are starting with breaking up and going NC with the AP.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

People don't tell me they are cheating because they know I don't associate with cheaters. A friend who cheats is no friend of mine. Period end of story.

So what happens is I never hear about it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Probably the best way to talk them out of it is to sit down with said friend and their spouse at the same time. Then spill the beans. 

If the friend is worth having you will know in short order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> Admittedly it has caused me to lose respect for her but I feel like I can regain that again if it stops. I think my friend cares about her general reputation and her comfort but not really her husbands feelings. She's sort of checked out of the marriage and is angry at him. She also seems to think that she won't get caught and even if she does, he won't leave her. I kind of think he won't leave her either.
> 
> I don't really want to end my friendship with her, we've been friends since high school. I've tried to stop her. She believes the affair won't last because neither of them want to leave their spouse, and it's just something that they're enjoying for the moment. I want to believe that it will end too, but not soon enough.
> 
> It wouldn't really be hard to get her to stop talking about it. I know her and if I keep telling her to work on her marriage instead, she will stop talking to me about it. She doesn't really want to hear that.


Does it really matter if it "ends soon" or not at this point? The deed is done, the damage is done. You should not be asking yourself whether or not you can talk her out of continuing the A. You should be asking whether or not you should tell her H. How would you propose to regain respect for her if you have lost it because of the A? She cannot undo it. To use a phrase that has some currency here at TAM, you cannot unring a bell.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As with all things, there's always a possibility to talk with them about it. But at the very same time, it's highly improbable that the cheater would ever choose to do anything about it, other than to continue down the sordid path that they have chosen!

And since their hormones are already raging, with them it is largely "Full speed ahead!" No matter whatever the cost may be!*


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I frequently try to tell her to get a divorce and stop this deception but she just goes on about how she cant survive financially on her own (been looking for work but cant find it) and more importantly that she doesn't want to be with the OM in a relationship because he's not good enough for a LTR. He's just good for a thrill right now to her. *sigh* I don't know what to do with her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My ex and I had friends and the wife of the friend had a habit of cheating. We all belonged to a bowling league and one night I noticed that our friends wife was eye balling up a guy who was married and he was enjoying the attention. 

As time went on, it became to me very noticeable that they were getting a lot more friendly. She was the type of woman who didn't hide it very well and the guy she was messing with was very well to do financially. It got to the point that he was going to regret his mistake and at this point I was pretty much up to my hears with her and her behavior and her husband not doing anything about it.

I finally got a chance to get this OM alone in the parking lot one night and told him that he better back off because my friends wife has no problem "Kissing AND telling" and he was heading for big trouble. He told me not to worry about it and it wasn't any of my business anyhow. I thought "fine" go ahead. Well he did and they both got caught and the guys wife not only left this guy but raked him over the coals and she got a hold of our friends wife and rang her bell real good. Sad part was the guys wife was also pissed at my wife and me because we were friends with the cheating wife and her dumb bell husband. I told her that I warned her husband that he was playing with fire and she told me that I should have told her. She was right in a way. Ash also got burned.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You know there is an easier third option. Just do nothing and let her end her affair which seems to already be dwindling. Stay out of her business so she doesn't suck you down to her level and check in on her in another year or two. I mean the odds are this affair is going to end soon, but you really don't want to be there for the aftermath. Divorces are contagious and you don't want your cheater of a friend around your husband.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I frequently try to tell her to get a divorce and stop this deception but she just goes on about how she cant survive financially on her own (been looking for work but cant find it) and more importantly that she doesn't want to be with the OM in a relationship because he's not good enough for a LTR. He's just good for a thrill right now to her. *sigh* I don't know what to do with her.


can you talk an alcoholic out of drinking? not if they dont want to.

its only after they hit rock bottom, and even then some choose to continue, that they might come to the reality of what they have done.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> You know there is an easier third option. Just do nothing and let her end her affair which seems to already be dwindling. Stay out of her business so she doesn't suck you down to her level and check in on her in another year or two. I mean the odds are this affair is going to end soon, but you really don't want to be there for the aftermath. Divorces are contagious and you don't want your cheater of a friend around your husband.


Worst advice ever in my opinion. Not trying to be rude.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> You know there is an easier third option. Just do nothing and let her end her affair which seems to already be dwindling. Stay out of her business so she doesn't suck you down to her level and check in on her in another year or two. I mean the odds are this affair is going to end soon, but you really don't want to be there for the aftermath. Divorces are contagious and you don't want your cheater of a friend around your husband.


I'm not married but I hear you.




x598 said:


> can you talk an alcoholic out of drinking? not if they dont want to.
> 
> its only after they hit rock bottom, and even then some choose to continue, that they might come to the reality of what they have done.


This is what I foresee and I am just so sad about it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Worst advice ever in my opinion. Not trying to be rude.


If you're not trying to be rude, then why did you offer your opinion in such a rude way?


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## PappyJack (Nov 1, 2013)

Spend a few dollars, and have him sent the MMSLP anonymously.
It serves at least three purposes.
It will tell him someone thinks he's in trouble.
It will give him the tools to fix the problems in the marriage, if he wants to or has the ability.
It may short circuit the affair.

Downside, he may decide he doesn't want to be a cuckold, and she may have to find some other nice guy to humiliate.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Daisy10,

Are you also friends with her husband?

Do they have kids?

What about the OM and his wife -- do they have kids?

From what you described about her current mindset, it does not sound as if she is "helplessly in love" with OM, or completely out of touch with reality. (She might be out of touch with what the consequences are going to be, I don't know). It feels to me, frorom what described, that this is a deliberate, consciously weighed act that she has decided she is entitled to be part of. Is that consistent with how you see her at this time?

Not sure the answer makes any difference. Perhaps it would make me feel more comfortable distancing myself from her, or planting a seed in her husband's mind that there is more trouble in his marriage than he realizes.

She's gone to you because she feels you will accept her no matter what, and you won't put pressure on her to change. That is not a nice thing to do to you. 

Is there any part of her that feels badly about this at all? Is she acting against beliefs you've known her to hold throughout her life? Or, is it "like her" to be deceitful, to lie, to take what isn't hers from another (the OM wife (and possibly) kids)?

Has she significant grievances against her husband, in her mind at least. Not much chance I would concede any could possibly justify her cheating. I'm just trying to get a better view of her motivations and possible internal conflicts. Maybe there is an opportunity there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

berries said:


> I tried. They didn't listen.


:iagree:


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

My guess is alcohol and heroin addiction are often quite different biochemically and emotionally than a single affair for most people, especially when a person is willing to discuss the ongoing affair with someone not actively part of it.

That said, it's hard to talk anyone out of anything, or into anything. Still, talking isn't always futile.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?*



PieceOfSky said:


> ...That said, it's hard to talk anyone out of anything, or into anything. Still, talking isn't always futile.


My guess, that in 99% of affairs, not enough words were said between spouses or the acquaintances that knew what was happening and chose to not communicate or help in any way to preserve the sanctity of marriage.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Daisy10,
> 
> Are you also friends with her husband?
> 
> ...


PieceofSky, first and foremost, I love that handle (great song!). To answer your questions:
I know her husband, but not well at all. We mostly just say hi and bye. We live 2.5 hours away and I mostly talk to her on the phone. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him in person over the course of their marriage. They do not have kids together and he is 30 years older than her.

I met the OM and his wife a couple of months ago briefly at an event my friend hosted. I don't really know them.

My friend KNOWS this is wrong, because she frequently says so, but I'm not sure if she feels bad. I want to think she does, but she won't admit that to me because then I'd ask why she doesn't stop. She feels like she's suffered and sacrificed a lot in life and that she deserves this (this being to feel good). She has grievances against her husband, but nothing he can change, I don't think. They are just core personality differences and she's just tired of them. He is old and set in his ways and she knows it. It's not like he's ever been different. She and OM will be seeing each other about once a month or once every other month over the next year due to their shared interest/business.

I think you are right that I will just start slowly distancing myself. She knows I'm very busy these days and will only get busier so I don't think that will be something she doesn't take well.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> If you're not trying to be rude, then why did you offer your opinion in such a rude way?


Sorry. I really wasn't trying to be rude. I guess I was a little short because my wife cheated on me early in our marriage. I am pretty sure her maid of honor knew and didn't tell me. So, yeah, telling someone to butt out rubs me the wrong way.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Daisy, she doesn't appear to feel bad about it because she is in the fog of an affair. Cheaters will go to amazing delusional lengths to overcome the cognitive dissonance of their actions. She has justified it completely, in her mind, and my guess is she will never feel bad about it, or in the least not until her affair is exposed to her family, and she faces the consequences, but she could be delusional enough that if that happens divorce would just be a reward. Either way, it's her H I feel for, not realizing the woman he loves has no real love for him back.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If it was you, would you not want to know ASAP that your spouse was, or was about to cheat?

There were several people who knew and were silent, or worse in my case. That is so incredibly pathetic. I will never sit idly by, I know how devastating the betrayal is. No one deserves to be subjected to that. Your friend is not worthy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If one of them is my mate, and is cheating: Meh, not my problem, but not my thing either, I will lose respect for them regardless and they will know.

If one of them is my mate, and is being cheated on: I will give them as much friendly support as I can - including encouraging to ditch the bastard/b-tch

If both of them are my mates, and one of them is cheating: I will be hostile towards my mate who is cheating on my friend, and if he doesn't end his affair I will be inclined to let my other friend know the truth.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Differentguy said:


> Sorry. I really wasn't trying to be rude. I guess I was a little short because my wife cheated on me early in our marriage. I am pretty sure her maid of honor knew and didn't tell me. So, yeah, telling someone to butt out rubs me the wrong way.


My wife cheated on me too and I'm pretty sure her whole family knew and said nothing because I was giving her half of my paycheck when I was making money in the Navy. 

Maybe I should have elaborated a little more. Since Daisy10 already tried to talk to her cheating friend and she didn't listen, there's not a whole lot she can do. Of course she can go tell her husband, but after that she can't twist her arm to make a commitment to her husband or do much of anything. 

Besides that, is sounds like their affair is going to end pretty soon anyways. Affairs are notoriously short lived after they've been outed or the one propagating the affair gets sick of it. And it just sounds to me like her friend realizes it's not going to work out and is just sitting on the fence about it. It will probably end in a year or sooner, depending on whether or not Daisy10 outs her friend and the AP to their spouses.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I wonder if there is a way to give the friend a bit of a wake-up call, without going so far as telling the husband about it. (Not that I am opposed to telling the husband about it, just that it might be a difficult step to take).

I guess I'm not above at least considering lying to her, perhaps only temporarily, to let her feel the gravity of her own deceit. For instance:

"I ran into your mom yesterday at Starbucks. We had a nice chat. But, I need to let you know that I let slip that you were spending a lot more time with OM alone than your husband knew about, and that I'm worried about you and your husband. I'm not sure she fully understood, but, I guess, your mom did seem sort of shocked and embarrassed. Have you talked to her about this? I guess I just sort of assumed you had."

I feel a bit dirty suggesting that, actually. But, perhaps it is the less sort of distasteful options you have, in this situation that is completely not of your making.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> PieceofSky, first and foremost, I love that handle (great song!).



Glad to hear that! It's nice to know there is someone out there that perhaps responds to it in the same way I do. (Please just humor me if you think I've misunderstood. ).

The lyrics to other songs in that movie are beautiful too, as is all the music there from Michel Legrand. 

That movie, and its main character, have been my all time favorites for many years. Much to admire and be inspired by in her sense of life, honesty with herself, and courage.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> My wife cheated on me too and I'm pretty sure her whole family knew and said nothing because I was giving her half of my paycheck when I was making money in the Navy.
> 
> Maybe I should have elaborated a little more. Since Daisy10 already tried to talk to her cheating friend and she didn't listen, there's not a whole lot she can do. Of course she can go tell her husband, but after that she can't twist her arm to make a commitment to her husband or do much of anything.
> 
> Besides that, is sounds like their affair is going to end pretty soon anyways. Affairs are notoriously short lived after they've been outed or the one propagating the affair gets sick of it. And it just sounds to me like her friend realizes it's not going to work out and is just sitting on the fence about it. It will probably end in a year or sooner, depending on whether or not Daisy10 outs her friend and the AP to their spouses.


I want to apologize nsweet. I shouls have read the whole thread before i made a judgment. Im sorry.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Besides that, is sounds like their affair is going to end pretty soon anyways. Affairs are notoriously short lived after they've been outed or the one propagating the affair gets sick of it.


Oh I didn't know that, this is good to know. 

Yesterday she talked about a job she's applying for and how she wants to use it to put money away for her and her husband to travel in the future. I thought that was a good sign that she didn't say that she wanted to use that money to see the OM more.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Oh I didn't know that, this is good to know.
> 
> Yesterday she talked about a job she's applying for and how she wants to use it to put money away for her and her husband to travel in the future. I thought that was a good sign that she didn't say that she wanted to use that money to see the OM more.


Yes, it sounds like that's her way of telling you she's made a decision about recommitting somewhat to her husband. Although, it could all be an attempt to play nice and get the husband to drop his guard and stay attached to her with some period of undivided attention and sex. I've seen this a lot on TAM and with my ex wife. 

Unfortunately you won't know if she's chosen her husband or is still cake eating for a while. It sounds to me like she knows the OM won't work out, but only time will tell. Don't say anything to her about this either. You don't want to get her thinking too hard or she's going to panic and try to choose both again.

Here's something else you probably didn't know. Her husband knows about the affair. Oh yeah, he may not have concrete proof and he may not have caught her red handed and dragged her off to MC or the county court house, but he knows something is up with her. The BS is not as stupid as the WS thinks they are, and they can tell something isn't right based off of things like body language and distancing behaviors in relationships. 

That's probably why she's planning this whole vacation in the future. My money's not on her using this trip to fall in love with her husband again, I'm betting she's using this trip to sweeten up her husband and then leave him for the OM. And I'm basing this off of something cheaters stereotypically do. They act really saccharin sweet right before the breakup so they con themselves into thinking they did nothing wrong to end it. 

That's why they get really cold and distant when talking about the past before that point, and then break NC to check up on you. It's not about hearing your voice or missing you so much as it's about them rehashing those sweet memories when ever they feel guilty or wrong for leaving you for the AP. Also, triangulation and seeing if you still want them, but mostly it has to do with rewriting history and coping tools to avoid guilt.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Differentguy said:


> I want to apologize nsweet. I shouls have read the whole thread before i made a judgment. Im sorry.


If my friend told me she was cheating, I would tell her husband and then tell her to go f'ck herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Yes, it sounds like that's her way of telling you she's made a decision about recommitting somewhat to her husband. Although, it could all be an attempt to play nice and get the husband to drop his guard and stay attached to her with some period of undivided attention and sex. I've seen this a lot on TAM and with my ex wife.
> 
> Unfortunately you won't know if she's chosen her husband or is still cake eating for a while. It sounds to me like she knows the OM won't work out, but only time will tell. Don't say anything to her about this either. You don't want to get her thinking too hard or she's going to panic and try to choose both again.
> 
> ...


Wow. Totally enlightening. Thank you for sharing.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I would tell her that you don't agree with her actions nor condone it and that she needs to end it and tell all to her H. 

I know you don't want to be involved, but you are and the H will think you encouraged and backed her in her endeavors. He will require that she either choose him or you and the OM (you will be lumped in with him because you know and said nothing).

In the end, the friend will break ties with you and then she will turn on you and the friendship will more than likely be over anyway. This is what happened with my wife and her lifelong best friend. When I found out about her supporting my wife's A, and all the things my wife did, I wanted her out of our lives (and I considered her a friend and couldn't believe she would treat me this way). Lots of the books will tell you to get rid of friends that aren't friends of the marriage if it is to continue. My wife just got a really nasty text from her friend the other day telling her that she was the worst person in the world for what she had done, she hoped she died and asked her to lose her number, address, and forget that she ever existed. This is what happens when friends get between marriages (and I believe that her friends was also cheating, as I caught her in lies so she was no better anyway).

I am just saying these things to forewarn you of things that may/ will come in the end. Just look for the thread by Hibiscus on here as it is pretty much the same situation and is not ending well of anyone, and she did the best and honorable thing but is being held accountable even though she did nothing but be a friend.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

My very wise Grandmother used to say: "show me your friends and it will tell me who you are". Not super original its an old saying. It still holds true.

I am more than happy to hear my friends out if they are contemplating a poor choice I will tell them it's a bad idea and why. Then I say: if you go ahead with this don't call me...especially when it all goes bad. 

It's sad, it almost seems like your friend wants your blessing so someone else is in the "trash heap" with her...you hang around garbage you'll smell like it (another Grandma saying)

How do you tell your spouse, children...that you knew. You are in a no win situation.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

My ww and I have had some discussion around this. She had an enabling 'friend'. Eventually I drew a hard line to cut her out of my life (the enabler). I view it as a consequence. I view it as no great loss to either of us. I view her as not. being a friend. A true friend would have the guts to tell you you're wrong, that you're making a mistake.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

My friend has decided not to talk to me anymore about this, since, in her eyes, I wasn't really supporting her. She told me she is disappointed in me.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> My friend has decided not to talk to me anymore about this, since, in her eyes, I wasn't really supporting her. She told me she is disappointed in me.



Tell her husband and the OMW. If you want your friend to stop cheating this just might work. Nothing like exposing cheaters to stop an affair.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I'm done. It's a blessing in disguise.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> My friend has decided not to talk to me anymore about this, since, in her eyes, I wasn't really supporting her. She told me she is disappointed in me.


If they weren't so abjectly pathetic, cheaters would be unbearably hilarious! Why not tell her to come spend an evening reading threads in cwi to illuminate the downside of her little, harmless dalliance? No that she'd clue in, she's not like the rest of them, no, she's different, she's special, she deserves to get a little on the side, right. It's not like anyone will get hurt at all, right?


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> If they weren't so abjectly pathetic, cheaters would be unbearably hilarious! Why not tell her to come spend an evening reading threads in cwi to illuminate the downside of her little, harmless dalliance? No that she'd clue in, she's not like the rest of them, no, she's different, she's special, she deserves to get a little on the side, right. It's not like anyone will get hurt at all, right?


Exactly. I actually did tell her about discovering this site. She didn't want to hear about it. She went as far as to say that I am just jealous of her, because she has a man that she's in love with and I don't have one, and that that is why I'm not supporting her. 

Like I said, I'm done.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> My friend has decided not to talk to me anymore about this, since, in her eyes, I wasn't really supporting her. She told me she is disappointed in me.


Do you think she was she wanting/expecting you to tell her that it's OK to be cheating? Or do you think she was wanting someone to vent to without feeling judged in return? Or maybe something else?

If it is either of those two, then good for you for failing to conform to her wishes and against your better judgement.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Are you done with her totally, or just on the subject of her cheating

With a 30 yr age difference, and the H, becoming very set in his ways---this is probably not gonna be her last A----anytime she finds an excuse to justify, getting something new and exciting---she will go there


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I don't know what this means for our (28 year!) friendship exactly, but it seems like some sort of head trip. I realize that she has a lot going on mentally and emotionally, but I have goals that I'm focused on right now and trying to accomplish and I kind of don't have time to get caught up in her drama, so this outcome is okay with me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?*



Daisy10 said:


> I don't know what this means for our (28 year!) friendship exactly, but it seems like some sort of head trip. I realize that she has a lot going on mentally and emotionally, but I have goals that I'm focused on right now and trying to accomplish and I kind of don't have time to get caught up in her drama, so this outcome is okay with me.


You can still love the person and not support her behavior. She is the one disrespecting your friendship by embracing disloyal behavior. She is saying by her actions that her commitments to those she claims to love are worthless. It is important you protect yourself but I wouldn't abandon her completely, you have a 28 year friendship and know things about each other like no one else, continue to provide guidance and advice and express disapproval, and I would tell the husband in order for you to still be available to her (if she chooses) without you being an enabler for her harmful behaviors. Instead of just walking away, use the opportunity for the truth to come out, it may take years for her to come around, or maybe she never will, but atleast when or if she does you will have done what is right (whatever that is according to you).

Good luck!


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

How this all came about is because the OMW suspects an affair now and has asked for phone records and threatened divorce. My friend is shocked but mostly upset about the timing because she was supposed to have a few days alone with him this weekend and now that may not happen. I told her that I saw this coming and that everything that is happening is no surprise to me. Afterwards, she sent me a text saying this: "I am disappointed in your response I feel as though you're happy it's come to this & I hope that's not the case but whatever happens from here I will not share with you I just have to work through this..."

Does she think she's punishing me or something?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daisy10 said:


> Just wondering if it's possible. Is there something specific to say?
> 
> *Not talking about your spouse or SO, obviously. Just someone you know.


Maybe. But it ultimately comes down to their choice of what to do.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Is it possible to talk someone you know out of cheating?*



Daisy10 said:


> How this all came about is because the OMW suspects an affair now and has asked for phone records and threatened divorce. My friend is shocked but mostly upset about the timing because she was supposed to have a few days alone with him this weekend and now that may not happen. I told her that I saw this coming and that everything that is happening is no surprise to me. Afterwards, she sent me a text saying this: "I am disappointed in your response I feel as though you're happy it's come to this & I hope that's not the case but whatever happens from here I will not share with you I just have to work through this..."
> 
> Does she think she's punishing me or something?


She is just trying to get control of something. She doesn't realize it yet but she needs a lifeline, at this moment her actions are causing cognitive dissonance - she values one night with this OM more than a lifetime with her H. She is certainly caught up in it.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Lon said:


> She is just trying to get control of something. She doesn't realize it yet but she needs a lifeline, at this moment her actions are causing cognitive dissonance - she values one night with this OM more than a lifetime with her H. She is certainly caught up in it.


Totally agree.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She is looking for justification and support for her cheating---maybe best to tell her----You are on the sidelines, until she finally decides what she wants to do with her life--------I don't remember what was said about telling the H---but someone needs to send him some info---if you do it, and don't wanna use your name---send it anonymously---but he needs to know what is going on


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