# anyone fixed it?



## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

hi ive posted on here a couple of times.
basically im 24 and living in a sexless marriage. i have the most sweet careing and perfect husband who is a good looking guy, but i however and no longer attracted to him at all. 
we went on to marriage builders and did the quizes ppl in here suggested but felt like they werent really any help because our actual relationship is fantastic its jst me not being attracted to him that is the problem.
we have decided to see a counseler and had our first session today. i jst want to knw if anyone has ever actually got that attraction bak if they lost it for no real reason? its been prob a year now without the attraction but it has got alot worse as time has progressed.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Attraction is attraction. You either are or not. Have you gone on the pill or changed pills in the last few years? That can wipe out a woman's sex drive... aka attraction to your mate. 

I also did some reading that as time goes on in a relationship, women need more time being warmed up... the attraction that got you "ready" for sex isnt there anymore (doesnt mean you dont love him) and its about the man making the moves until your attraction kicks in... it needs to be jump started. Have you even tried just letting him do things to you for longer than you think is "neccessary" to see if it works? It can take a long time and perhaps a few attempts depending on how deep the attraction has been burried.

Perhaps its been going on so long now you have developed an anxiety about it. I know I have... Im terrified to have sex with my husband now bc of all the no's I have heard have finally accumulated enough I cant initiate with him at all, and when he does I wonder if I should bc then I dont know when the next time will be and I also get resentful that he is allowed to initiate with me and I cant with him bc he will say no. Some trenches are too deep to dig out (only if one or both are unwilling), but I just wanted to throw out some questions and new insights from recent reading to see if you had thought about those.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

hey no im not currently on the pill and havent been for about a year as there hasnt been any need to me to really take it, before that i had been on the pill always the same one and me stopping taking the pill was after we started having these problems. 
its nt that hes not taking the time to "warm me up" its the fact that i dont like the idea of him touching me like that, it feels wrong like it shouldnt be him doing it anymore. 
my H would be so excited if i initiate it but i jst feels so wrong to me these days.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

A lot of people get back the sexual attraction. Even if no one answers your thread here, you have to know it happens in many cases. People repair their marriage/relationship all the time. The only thing is, there are reasons a person loses attraction. Once those issues are settled/reversed and a person learns to trust again, the attraction also comes along again.

In all your posts, you have not stated your reasons. It might be a matter of you have to be honest with yourself. Perhaps you fell in love with your husband being such a nice guy and good looking, but maybe he never really did it for you in bed. Once you married and felt obligated, you liked the thought even less because you don't get anything out of it. You don't have to answer this. I'm just giving an example of one possibility to support my position that there is a reason you lost attraction. 

Another example of what could be going on is my thinking that you are misidentifying the problem, in that you never were sexually attracted to him. Maybe it was his looks that attracted you in the first place but as it turns out, you don't like him all that much after all. He's a nice guy, but is he too nice? Is it that you have lost respect for him? Losing respect can make a person also lose attraction but if the problem is losing respect, then you can't fix it and cannot receive adequate advice/suggestions if you keep telling people you have lost attraction. They won't know to address the loss of respect. So could it be that you are misrepresenting the problem?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

i dont knw y i lost the attraction, i think it was a gradual thing. it was his personality that first attracted to me to him, when i met him i had jst got out of a bad relationship and he healed alot of those scars.
hes very nice but hes not a pushover or nething, if he disagrees with sumthing i think he will tell me and things like that so i dont think its a respect thing. i think half the problem is gonna be trying to work out why it happened. the counseler was asking questions about our parents marriages and both of us come from very happy familys and our parents are both still together.
hopefully will work out wots happening in my mind soon


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## suebee12 (Jul 21, 2010)

I wouldn't say I have fixed it, but I was in a very similar situation, just didn't want sex, was actually repulsed by the idea, so suggestions to "warm up" longer were not helpful. I really didn't want him to touch me that way at all. And the situation has improved! I think a key question is how was the sex originally? Were you into it for a while, and just lost the spark? You can work on getting back a spark that is lost, but not one that was never there. For me, our sex life was great for the first year, and then slowly I got less and less interested until I couldn't even stand the thought of it. One thing I realized which started to turn it around is that I couldn't expect it to stay the same as it was in the beginning. As relationships mature, the sex changes. It isn't hormones and heated passion that drives it anymore, it's partnership, love and sharing with each other. It's a gentler, less passionate type of sex. Once I realized that I didn't have to want it like THAT and it could be more relaxed, that helped. Also realizing that when it isn't passion driving the sex anymore, you have to treat it like any other task you do during the day. You have to make time for it, schedule it and sometimes make yourself do it even if it's the absolute last thing you want to do. Get some lube and just do it anyway, you may find that once you are in the moment, you get more into it, at least enough to tolerate it. I know that doesn't sound very romantic, but when you are at rock bottom with this situation, that is where you have to start and it will get better. Sex is an important part of a marriage. For me, saving my marriage was eventually more important to me than being totally into the sex, so I just started doing it even though I didn't want to at first, and eventually I wasn't just going through the motions anymore. We still don't have sex that often, but when we do, it is good and brings us closer, and it doesn't feel like a chore anymore.
Good luck! If you still love him and want to turn it around, you can. It won't happen overnight, but there is hope.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

we tried awhile ago to jst try do it coz everyone kept saying once we started again it wud start to get easier, but it was alful and if anything did alot of damage to our relationship. our counseler has told us to not even atempt to hav sex or kiss at the moment but to focus more on holding hands and hugging and try work out how to change how i view him


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

does he try to initiate often? in other words, is he still very interested in you sexually or is this distaste for sex mutual?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

My wife went through this a while back where the sex died down to about once 1 month or even once every 2 months. She just stated sex wasn't as important to her anymore but she still loved me...

I finally confronted her one day and stated that it was unacceptable having sex only once every other month. She blew me off at 1st but I kept at it, there were some rough patches, but in the end we worked through it somehow. Using lubes worked at the beginning and now that we're back to 2-3 times a week, lube is no longer necessary as she'll soak the sheets after every session :smthumbup:

It was just persistance on my part in asking her what needed to be done. In the end, she stated that she was a little resentful that she had to do the majority of the housework and take care of the kids. So I started pitching in more and things slowly improved. Communications is the key, if they keep saying it's not you, it's me and leave it at that, unacceptable. There is always a reason behind it. Oh, and me being overweight was another contribution to her being a little less attracted to me, working on that also (10lbs down, 20-30lbs left togo)


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

yes hes still attracted to me sexually. i still have a sex drive its not that im uninterested in sex, its just with him it feels wrong. last year we prob had sex only 6 times and in the last 7 months we havent done it at all.
its not that im resentful of anything he does, hes a amazing husband who trys very hard to make me happy


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kiwigirl said:


> yes hes still attracted to me sexually. i still have a sex drive its not that im uninterested in sex, its just with him it feels wrong. last year we prob had sex only 6 times and in the last 7 months we havent done it at all.
> its not that im resentful of anything he does, hes a amazing husband who trys very hard to make me happy



Your husband has the patience of JOB. I used to say this about my husband (getting it once a week) but your husband truly is a SAINT. And that is not really a compliment to him. 

Saying that it feels WRONG to have sex with your husband, *where is this coming from?? *I can understand a lack of desire/attraction (if he is as good looking as you say, that baffles me too), but feeling it is WRONG somehow, this needs delt with IN YOUR MIND, 1st & formost. Do not say this to yourself anymore. Do not believe this to be true. 

You married this man, he is solely dependent on YOU for this act of love & bonding. Do you want this marraige or do you want out of it ? Dig deeper in yourself, do not be afraid of what your heart is telling you. Are you attracted to someone else, do you dream of someone else? 

I would think the worst thing you can do , during this time, is masterbate. Let yourself be denied , so the passion & desire can build & build and HE, your husband , be your *only* outlet.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

WTH? "nice guy", "good looking", "sweet-caring-PERFECT HUSBAND" but i dont want to have sex with him."

i get more confused everyday.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> WTH? "nice guy", "good looking", "sweet-caring-PERFECT HUSBAND" but i dont want to have sex with him."
> 
> i get more confused everyday.


yes im jst as confused!!!!! 

i hav been attracted to other people. ppl keep telling me in my heart ill knw what i want, but i honestly dont


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

- who typically says I love you first?
- who typically initiates hugs, hand holding, etc?
- does he ever give you enough space to come to him, or is he always being nice to you first?

Is he over loving you in a low key but persistent manner?

Is he at all a CHALLENGE sexually/romantically? 

I disagree with your statement about him being independent minded etc. At your ages if he was he would have walked away a while ago because something is very broken in your interaction. The sexual repulsion/aversion is very scary for BOTH of you.





kiwigirl said:


> yes im jst as confused!!!!!
> 
> i hav been attracted to other people. ppl keep telling me in my heart ill knw what i want, but i honestly dont


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

hes always the first one to hug, say i love you generally. and no hes not a challenge at all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kiwigirl said:


> hes always the first one to hug, say i love you generally. and no hes not a challenge at all.




Your husband needs some BALLS & honestly, he needs to walk away from you, THEN and only then may you realize what you are missing or have given up/Lost. I am not getting on you, but if he was on this board, I would be getting on him. 

Sometimes us women need to be treated in a MORE aggressive manner and told "what for" before we realize what we have right in front of us. I understand this to some degree because I too married a "Nice guy" , very little of a challenge, he also did everything for me, always loving, always available, but I never felt like yourself- to such an extreme.  The most I did was take him for granted. *And he let me do it. * Shame on him!! I *never *felt as confused as you are though. 

Very few men in life would remain with you -or faithful - under these circumstances. 

If he is masterbating alone, and you are masterbating alone, and living like roommates, very likely NOTHING in this marraige is EVER going to change unless he gets some Balls and/or you STOP all masterbating and rely solely on him for your sexual pleasure.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

i do rely on him SOLEY for my sexual pleasure but at the moment id rather go without than do it with him


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kiwigirl said:


> i do rely on him SOLEY for my sexual pleasure but at the moment id rather go without than do it with him


You claim you still have a sex drive & R interested in sex, just not with him, you say you have NOT have sex in 7 months and you SOLELY rely on him for this. 

Are you telling us that you have NOT had a sexual release in 7 whole months? If this is so, you do NOT have any sex drive at all. And you might need your hormones checked. 

Have you envisioned HOW you would feel/react if your husband left you for somene else, if he moved on with his life & found love & sexual satisfaction with another woman ?? 

Does this do ANYTHING to stir you?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

When the Refuser in a sexless marriage is female the problem is usually a lack of out of the bedroom intimacy in the relationship. With male Refusers it is usually a sexual attraction issue.

But if there is non sexual intimacy and the relationship is good then a Refuser, male or female may have a high sexual desire threshold and can only get turned on by sex with someone new and/or non vanilla sexual situations like multiple partners or bi-sex. These sexual needs are usually caused by a discomfort or fear of interpersonal and sexual intimacy and this in turn usually has it's roots in childhood abuse or family of origin trauma. The children of Alcoholics often suffer with this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The post below is the BEST post I have found on the boards about this stuff. 

Kiwi - think about this after you read it and tell us how he maps into alpha/beta roles.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ATHOLK post from last year

It's very hard to get my entire approach to marriage in this format down, and to be honest it's mostly working best in making average/good relationships better, rather than salvaging bad ones. Once people have cheated or otherwise checked out of reality it's really hard to bring that back to what it was.

Loosely summarized - women respond to men exhibiting positive versions of two primary male traits called Alpha Male and Beta Male.

Alpha Male is devoted to physicality, assertiveness, leadership, social dominance, healthy genes, raw sexual energy, power and at times even violence. The positive version is thats of an inspiring protector and the not so positive is simply a thug. This is the male aspect that just gets panties wet and triggers attraction. Thugs still get panties wet, they are just scary to be a relationship with.

The Beta Male is devoted to personality traits that ultimately are good for rasing children. Work ethic, building the nest, kindess, parenting skills, listening, holding a job, controlling anger and sexual energy, art, language and creativity. The positive version is the family man that provides and supports, the negative version is the mangina that gives away all relationship power to the woman. Good Betas build relationship comfort. When the woman is given too much comfort and not enough attraction, she becomes bored with her partner. Often the begining of the end. (Queue up the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech.)

The man needs to develop and show both Alpha and Beta traits over a long term relationship and show them appropriately. Most men typically do better with one or the other of these traits, and in times of pressure (like a break up) just act more and more from their position of natural strength. Natural Alpha's get bigger and louder and become scarier and even less reliable. Natural Beta's do more stuff for the woman and bore her to death with their neediness even faster. So more often than not, their natural reaction to relationship stress just intensifies the relationship problem.

So if you're too Beta the solution is to add Alpha. If you're too Alpha, the solution is to add Beta. 

It is exceptionally important to balance both positive traits in a long term relationship. Women have a monthly sexual cycle with changing hormones that affects what they are more attracted to throughout the month. For about three weeks of the month women respond more positively to Beta Male behavior. But when she is ovulating Alpha Male behavior is highly attractive. Importantly - while ovulation is only a small part of the month, this is when she will make her most critical sexual decisions and is at her horniest. Husbands that fail to display Alpha traits specially during ovulation run a higher risk for being either abandoned, cheated on, or rasing children they think are theirs but aren't.

In terms of myself, I more naturally fall along lines of Beta behavior. My marriage has always been decent, but I've seen many improvements by learning to up the Alpha stuff.

Also a common misconception is that Alpha behavior involves some sort of aggression towards the wife (yelling, hitting, property destruction, issuing demands, bossing her about etc) These things do work to change her behavior, but only in the very short term as they undercut the positive Beta traits and ultimately destory the relationship. Ultimately the best Alpha display is that you're just going to make your way into the world with confidence and just succeed at whatever it is that you're going to do. Opinions of the rest of the world be damned, you're your own man. And like a huge truck on the interstate, you just create a huge hole in the air that makes following you easy.



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





Mr B said:


> When the Refuser in a sexless marriage is female the problem is usually a lack of out of the bedroom intimacy in the relationship. With male Refusers it is usually a sexual attraction issue.
> 
> But if there is non sexual intimacy and the relationship is good then a Refuser, male or female may have a high sexual desire threshold and can only get turned on by sex with someone new and/or non vanilla sexual situations like multiple partners or bi-sex. These sexual needs are usually caused by a discomfort or fear of interpersonal and sexual intimacy and this in turn usually has it's roots in childhood abuse or family of origin trauma. The children of Alcoholics often suffer with this.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

Mr B said:


> When the Refuser in a sexless marriage is female the problem is usually a lack of out of the bedroom intimacy in the relationship. With male Refusers it is usually a sexual attraction issue.
> 
> But if there is non sexual intimacy and the relationship is good then a Refuser, male or female may have a high sexual desire threshold and can only get turned on by sex with someone new and/or non vanilla sexual situations like multiple partners or bi-sex. These sexual needs are usually caused by a discomfort or fear of interpersonal and sexual intimacy and this in turn usually has it's roots in childhood abuse or family of origin trauma. The children of Alcoholics often suffer with this.


its not a lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom and i have not had any trauma or child abuse, i had a healthy happy childhood.


i do have a sex drive that isnt the problem.

he prob is alot more beta than alpha


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well I was going to post allong those lines, but MEM11363 beat me to it! 

But basically yes, he sounds higher on the Beta scale than the Alpha one. For the most part I've moved most of my work to my blog, but your husband might really like it. I found writing here turns into a little piecemeal and endless repetition when I wanted to build on something.

And the first horribly rough draft of the *book* is done.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Typically a guy who is extremely skilled from a beta standpoint - good/very good job, very reliable, kind, patient etc. is the MOST frustrating type person for a thrill seeking/excitement loving female. She thinks she SHOULD love him and everyone tells her what a great guy he is but she does not feel love and is confused as to why. 

If he could mix in some high quality alpha stuff it is likely he could work you up. Thing is a lot of alpha is hard to teach. And a guy who has let you totally cut him off for 7 months after largely cutting him off for a while BEFORE that, likely does not have the inherent aggressiveness needed to effectively project an alpha posture. 




kiwigirl said:


> its not a lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom and i have not had any trauma or child abuse, i had a healthy happy childhood.
> 
> 
> i do have a sex drive that isnt the problem.
> ...


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

things hav got a bit worse since my lastpost. yesterday he told me couldnt continue to live like this anymore and asked me to move out. so i packed sum stuff and nw am crashing on a friends couch


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

kiwigirl said:


> things hav got a bit worse since my lastpost. yesterday he told me couldnt continue to live like this anymore and asked me to move out. so i packed sum stuff and nw am crashing on a friends couch


sounds like he got a little more alpha


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

yeh kinda noticed that


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

If you are part owner of the house the advice is stay in your house, if he wants to leave so be it. Check your legal position, reading you posts unless there is an epiphany the next step is likely to be the lawyers.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

no its his house im not a part owner


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

im feeling more confused than ever  and just really really sad


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Is he wealthy?

Do you have a good job? 






kiwigirl said:


> im feeling more confused than ever  and just really really sad


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

no i like my job but its only part time. hes not wealthy but has an average paying job. ive moved bak in at the moment and we trying again


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