# Longing for Long Term Success



## butterflyspirit

Hello everyone. My name is Eva & I am new here. Does anyone have advice for long term success? I have caught my husband in a few lies & only after days or weeks of guilt does he finally fess up. How can I get him to be honest from the very beginning? I have expressed my fears & concerns to him about this matter & I just get answers that he thinks are right & sound good.


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## MarlonFamilton

Hello,

There are two issues to look at here. Firstly, what is he lying about? If you are catching him lying about blowing $20 at the office betting pool, or eating 5 donuts for lunch, (or another smaller item that is not directly threatening to the relationship), then the question to ask is, what is blocking him from being honest? Does he fear judgment or criticism? This is a relationship/communication issue.

If on the other hand he is lying about where he was for four hours last night until midnight, or blew $2,000 of the mortgage money on the horses at the track; that he lied to cover it up is less important. There are some bigger things to talk about.

Let's assume it's more like the first issue. You're catching him in deceptive behavior/words and that has to be upsetting for you. It would make you question what else he might be lying about, what big things do you not know yet? It’s a small betrayal, but they do add up. 

You say that you have expressed your emotions around this and he says what he thinks will calm you and the situation, yet continues lying? Then perhaps the issue is more about boundaries. If he were to say, “I worry about upsetting you with the truth, or I do not know how to approach you.” 

Then this would be a conversation about understanding and dealing with fears. In this case, it sounds like by giving you those answers to make you drop the issue. He is not sharing the real reason, nor is he getting from you that you’re trying to set a boundary in the relationship. Have you offered any consequences for continued deception?

Talking with him is going to be the best solution. Here is a suggestion for how you could handle this with him. Talk about the process that is going on between you right now. It would look like this...

“When I come to you and we talk about these moments of dishonesty, you give me words and I feel better in the moment, but I do not trust them. Then something happens again, so I know you are not committed to honesty with me. I am scared for our relationship and it doesn’t feel as though you are. How are we going to resolve this issue? I need some help here because I do not want to stop trusting you?”

Can you see how that names what is happening right now without being judgmental (which shuts people down) expresses your frustration that he is not responding for your calls for honesty, puts some responsibility on his shoulders to work on this and points out what might be a consequence for him? 

Do you think that might work for you? Is that different then you’ve been doing?

~Marlon


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## Ten_year_hubby

The first time my wife lied to me, I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Now, it's just a minor annoyance. Unfortunately, different people have different thresholds for honesty. I'm from the mid west and I didn't really understand lying at first. But now, it's not even close to the top of my list of problems.


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## jimrich

re:Hello everyone. My name is Eva & I am new here. Does anyone have advice for long term success? 
... 100% total honesty and total respect. You both may need to learn exactly how to do them so get some relationship books, counseling, go on line, therapy, etc. and learn how.

I have caught my husband in a few lies & only after days or weeks of guilt does he finally fess up. How can I get him to be honest from the very beginning?
..... My response is above. He will need to LEARN HOW!

I have expressed my fears & concerns to him about this matter & I just get answers that he thinks are right & sound good.
.... It's very typical to dodge, duck and deny almost everything in a bad relationship but it can be fixed.

Get into a bookstore or library and begin learning exactly how.
I heard this is a good book:
how to improve your marriage without talking about it - Google Search

good luck


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## tourniquet

Don't worry about him lying. Just make sure he is always "chasing" you. Keep doing the sexy things, and keep changing it up. Play hard to get sometimes.


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