# I cheated. Husband is open to reconcile but I don't know ....



## rainbowfire

So... I'll try to be brief.

I met my husband 6 years ago, we got together 6 months later and we were very happy. We were convinced that we were soul mates from the start and we moved in together just 5 months later. The beginning of the relationship was very intense, with a lot of love, feelings of having never been this close to somebody before etc, and talk of marriage almost straight away.

We moved countries then and I wasn't very happy. From reading back on my diary I can see that I was contemplating whether I was really happy in the relationship or living a lie. I was still a little in love with my best friend, who was back home in my home country and with somebody else. My husband and I argued a lot, and I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry him. He became withdrawn and sad, and eventually I came to realise that I did want to be with him. I was afraid of changing my name or getting joint accounts, but in a way I think he guilted me into it because that was what couples were "supposed" to do. 

We married, and even on on our honeymoon I had doubts. There were things I really wanted to do that he hated, like staying on farms and communes and getting dirty. We had a motorbike accident and when I had to look after him he was snappy and ungrateful, and I remember feeling as if I had made a mistake. And yet, we had some good times, a lot of fun, and we carried on through the next few months - which were rough, again, but I never truly or openly questioned the relationship. 

Throughout this time I found myself developing strong crushes on other people, although I never acted on them. I kissed somebody once but I stopped it quickly and felt very guilty, although I didn't tell my husband about it.

Now we moved countries again. I've been financially supporting him on and off for the last 2.5 years because he wants to work in a field that is very hard to make any money in and he has to volunteer. Sometimes he brings in money from his music but I've more or less had to work full time and put my own long-term dreams on the back burner... or perhaps I've been using that as an excuse because I'm afraid of pursuing them and failing. 

Recently we made friends with somebody who excited me in ways I hadn't felt for a long time. Against our better judgement, the two of us fell into an emotional affair - we were messaging all the time and we knew it was dangerous, but we couldn't stop - or didn't want to. Eventually it led to us kissing, and then to having sex. We both went a little crazy because of the fact that we suddenly had to lie to everyone around us and keep secrets, but still we didn't feel too bad about it... and we didn't want to stop. I don't think I can say I'm in love with this guy but our friendship started to look like something amazing, something that I believe could become a very healthy relationship in my life if we were able to continue it.

However, I couldn't hide the fact that suddenly I was not turned on at all by my husband's touch. All I could think of was my "lover". How much better our chemistry was, how much better his kisses were. My husband could tell something was wrong and we talked for a long time. I told him that I didn't think I could cope with monogamy (I have cheated in the past and it has always ended my relationships). He ended up being far more open than I thought and he said he would consider something like swinging if it really made me happy... he even said I could go and have sex with my friend if I had to, because he knew I was attracted to him and he was very aware that "something" was going on between us - he just didn't know what and he didn't think I could ever betray him.

Seeing him willing to make these compromises for me made me feel too guilty, and I felt that I had to come clean. I told him about my affair. He was very calm at first, but then he broke down and got a little scary - he threatened to throw my phone off the balcony unless I showed him the messages between my lover and I. He then deleted and blocked this guy from my phone and Facebook so that I couldn't get in touch with him. He shouted at me that I was a c**t and a terrible person, that I had ruined us, and that he didn't care about what happened to me now, that I should just get out. He took off his wedding ring and told me to pack my things (ignoring that 100% of the rent money is from my work). 

I packed a bag and I went out into the night. Naturally I found a way to contact my lover in the end and I got him to meet me. Nothing happened, he just made sure I was OK and hugged me. I didn't stay at his because it didn't seem right, so he helped me find a hotel. Then my husband started texting me - he'd calmed down and talked to his friends (and brothers) and they had said that reconciliation could be possible and that he shouldn't give up on me so quickly.

I met my husband yesterday and he said that he forgave me, he understood why I had cheated and he even understood why I had lied so much. He said he believed we could fix this, if I really wanted to, and he also admitted that he hadn't been emotionally available recently and he would try harder in the future. However, to regain his trust he wanted to read all my facebook messages (with others, too) and he asked me for details of everything that had happened. He even asked for my Facebook password but I wasn't willing to give it. Of course, he also said that we would have to cut all contact with my lover - not too easy because he is also my best friend in this city, and we all share mutual friends. He sat there and made me explain to this guy that we couldn't speak any more. He said "it;s ok, I support you in whatever will make you happy, even if that means we don't speak any more. And if things don't work out you know where I am". I felt sick as I deleted this person who has been the most important thing in my life for the last two months... I have to be honest. I have been too distracted to do anything else properly, I have been obsessed.

I know that affairs often happen because things are wrong/missing in our relationships. I know that there will be a long road to recovery ahead of us if I decide to stay with my husband. I know that he is a strong, beautiful person and that few people would be so patient, understanding and willing to work things out. This all makes me feel like a worse and worse person because surely I should want to work things out, I should be prepared to cut my lover out of my life forever, and I should be ready to think about the long-term and to realise that marriages are hard and require a lot of sacrifice and compromise.

My husband tells me that I am emotionally immature and that I am acting like a 16-year-old at the moment (I'm 29), that I am focused only on hedonistic pursuits and that I give no regard to the long-term. The truth is I've been supporting him so long I haven't been able to think about my own long-term, and yes, my affair was escapism - the only thing I got to do that was for me, that I really enjoyed. I resent being told that I am immature and broken, or that the fact I don't feel that much remorse makes me a terrible person. 

Perhaps the guilt just hasn't hit me yet. Sometimes it does and I cry. But I honesty don't know if I want to reconcile with him now because it's the right thing to do and I'm afraid of being alone... because I once thought he was my soul mate that I'm afraid of admitting that I was wrong... and because the thought of causing him so much pain and inconvenience makes me feel terrible because of course I love him and want him to be happy. I just don't know if I am in love with him any more, and if trying to reignite that spark is just trying to force something that isn't really there any more.

Sorry for the rant. I'd really appreciate if people don't just tell me I'm an awful person... not really constructive or helpful. But any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## ButtPunch

Just end it and so both of you can get on with your lives.


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## GusPolinski

ButtPunch said:


> Just end it and so both of you get on with your lives.


Agreed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky

You both deserve to be happy. Let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 225985

Your husband needs to get a job to support himself. Life dreams are on thing, reality is another. 

I really understand your comment that "I was not turned on at all by my husband's touch." I am working to fix that with my marriage. It's a long struggle. 

You really do need to let him go. You are not meant for him and he is not meant for you.

The soul mate thing is a fantasy. Don't let that keep you from making the right decision for BOTH of you. He is still young and deserves to be happy with the right person. You too. You will find a person more matched to you needs. Just don't break up your ex-BF's marriage/relationship when you go back to home country.


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## KJ_Simmons

You need to quit getting into relationships with people. You're a serial cheater and it seems like you leave a path of destruction with every guy you meet. Next time you meet a guy, why don't you tell him up front of your history of cheating and suggest an open relationship. At least that way you can avoid wasting people's time and emotional energy pretending to be somebody you're not.


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## jld

When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs. 

Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


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## jb02157

rainbowfire said:


> I told him that I didn't think I could cope with monogamy (I have cheated in the past and it has always ended my relationships).


So why did you get married? Did you tell your husband this before you got married?


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## lifeistooshort

Of course he wants to reconcile, he probably realized that you pay the rent. 

You guys are a poor match, I'd let this one go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

farsidejunky said:


> You both deserve to be happy. Let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Said person will also need to be willing to support him financially. 

Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course he wants to reconcile, *he probably realized that you pay the rent. *
> 
> You guys are a poor match, I'd let this one go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bingo.


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## ButtPunch

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


I disagree. 

Cheating is a sign of low moral character and entitlement.

Lots of people cheat for all sorts of reasons male or female.


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## jld

ButtPunch said:


> I disagree.
> 
> Cheating is a sign of low moral character and entitlement.
> 
> Lots of people cheat for all sorts of reasons male or female.


I read your wife's very candid letter, BP. I think you were part of your wife's vulnerability.

OP, you may not be cut out for monogamy. But you may just not have met the right person yet, either. 

Have you read _His Needs, Her Needs_?


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## ButtPunch

jld said:


> I read your wife's very candid letter, BP. I think you were part of your wife's vulnerability.
> 
> OP, you may not be cut out for monogamy. But you may just not have met the right person yet, either.
> 
> Have you read _His Needs, Her Needs_?


When people make mistakes it is easy to blame someone else and sit in the comfy victim chair.


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## jld

ButtPunch said:


> When people make mistakes it is easy to blame someone else and sit in the comfy victim chair.


I don't think the OP is sitting in the victim chair. I don't think your wife was, either.

Back to you, OP.


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## TeddieG

Your relationship style reminds me of my husband's. Fast and quick honeymoon period, with all the lust, and then when normalcy sets in, you go looking for more honeymoon. If you discover that about yourself and realize that a commitment and a life with another person is not always about lust and honeymoon and mad wild sex, you'll have a better chance at finding the right person that you want to spend your life with, through thick and thin.

And as you get older, it may be harder to find men who put up with, or even like, the drama, the drama of being kicked out, running from your husband to your other man to put you up or find you accommodations.

I don't agree with jld either, that when a woman cheats, it is the man's fault. We all have needs and no person can meet all of them for us 100%, or be perfect, so it would be worthwhile to spend some time with yourself alone and determine what your most important needs are.


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## Miss Independent

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.



Wow!

Do you agree that when a man cheats, it's a pretty good sign that his wife isn't meeting his needs?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ButtPunch

jld said:


> I don't think the OP is sitting in the victim chair. I don't think your wife was, either.
> 
> Back to you, OP.


The OP's opening post is one big giant victim chair.


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## manfromlamancha

OK there is not much that can compare with the thrill/buzz of illicit sex or secretive sex! You need to understand that nothing your husband does will compare with the high you get from cheating.

Of course this new POS (and he is a POS for sleeping with a married woman) will seem more attractive - you have not had to live with him warts and all!

It does sound like you are not the type to settle down (your comment on cheating in the past leading to breaking up previous relationships). But that is OK so long as you accept it and make it known to your boyfriends in future.

You need to end your marriage with your husband in the most amicable way and then go and fvck whoever tickles your fancy!

Does your new bf have a significant other/wife ? She needs to know too.


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## jld

spinsterdurga said:


> Wow!
> 
> Do you agree that when a man cheats, it's a pretty good sign that his wife isn't meeting his needs?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think Dr. Harley has said that. 

Personally, I think it depends on the needs. I have read that men often cheat for more and varied sex, while women usually cheat for emotional fulfillment. A wife cannot be six women for her husband's sexual fulfillment. But most men could make a greater effort towards better satisfying their wives emotionally.

OP, you may want to take a look at the book I suggested. It is written by Dr. Harley, an infidelity expert.


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## jld

ButtPunch said:


> The OP's opening post is one big giant victim chair.


Hmm. I think she is just explaining how she feels, as honestly as she could at the moment.


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## Abc123wife

From your original post: "I have cheated in the past and it has always ended my relationships."

You have a different moral compass and are a serial cheater. It seems you already know that you do not feel a lifetime commitment to your husband. Let him go no matter how much he is willing to forgive and overlook your betrayal. In the end, it is better that he moves on and finds someone more in line with his values.

And learn that maybe you are not meant for marriage or long-term commitment. Be sure future partners know that.


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## TeddieG

jld said:


> Hmm. I think she is just explaining how she feels, as honestly as she could at the moment.


I think there is way more going on here, with her history of relationships and cheating, than whether or not her husband is meeting her needs. She confessed to the fact that when the thrill of the new man took over, she didn't find her husband attractive or welcome his advances or his touch. Ultimately I think they are incompatible, but that's still not an excuse to cheat. She needs to work on herself to discover what WOULD be a potentially compatible match, and not bounce from relationship to relationship on the basis of sex.


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## TeddieG

Abc123wife said:


> From your list: "I have cheated in the past and it has always ended my relationships."
> 
> You have a different moral compass and are a serial cheater. It seems you already know that you do not feel a lifetime commitment to your husband. Let him go no matter how much he is willing to forgive and overlook your betrayal. In the end, it is better that he moves on and finds someone more in line with his values.
> 
> *And learn that maybe you are not meant for marriage or long-term commitment. Be sure future partners know that.*


This. :iagree::iagree:


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## Miss Independent

jld said:


> I think Dr. Harley has said that.
> 
> 
> 
> Personally, I think it depends on the needs. I have read that men often cheat for more and varied sex, while women usually cheat for emotional fulfillment. A wife cannot be six women for her husband's sexual fulfillment. But most men could make a greater effort towards better satisfying their wives emotionally.
> 
> 
> 
> OP, you may want to take a look at the book I suggested. It is written by Dr. Harley, an infidelity expert.



Can you please answer yes or no? I'm not interested in a flawed argument. 

No offense but I hope that you don't teach your kids about how to argue a point/case. One of my major requires extensive knowledge of arguments, and your argument above would get an F. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jld

TeddieG said:


> I think there is way more going on here, with her history of relationships and cheating, than whether or not her husband is meeting her needs. She confessed to the fact that when the thrill of the new man took over, she didn't find her husband attractive or welcome his advances or his touch. Ultimately I think they are incompatible, but that's still not an excuse to cheat. She needs to work on herself to discover what WOULD be a potentially compatible match, and not bounce from relationship to relationship on the basis of sex.


I think the new man was meeting her needs. She responded.

I agree that she needs to choose better. Like someone she does not have to support.


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## jld

spinsterdurga said:


> Can you please answer yes or no? I'm not interested in a flawed argument.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry, there is not always a black and white answer. 

Back to you, OP.


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## TeddieG

jld said:


> I think the new man was meeting her needs. She responded.
> 
> I agree that she needs to choose better. Like someone she does not have to support.


The new man is meeting her needs for honeymoon sex and lust. My impression of "not meeting needs" is something far deeper and substantial. Sex is a need, sure, but there are many others in a relationship.


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## Miss Independent

jld said:


> Sorry, there is not always a black and white answer.
> 
> 
> 
> Back to you, OP.



There's no black and white when it comes to woman;however the same can't be said about men. I get it you can't back up your___ point. 

Op, leave your husband seriously. You should have left. Cheating is all on YOU not your husband. You CHOSE to get married, stay and cheat. It's all on you. 

Good luck! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 225985

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


If a husband cheats, does it mean that the wife is not meeting his needs? Great way to blame the betrayed for the cheater's actions.


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## 225985

jld said:


> Sorry, there is not always a black and white answer.
> 
> Back to you, OP.


Actually, your answer is black and white. If your spouse is not meeting your needs, cheat on them then dump them because -heck- they are not meeting your needs. Does not matter if the betrayed wants to reconcile.


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## jld

TeddieG said:


> The new man is meeting her needs for honeymoon sex and lust. My impression of "not meeting needs" is something far deeper and substantial. *Sex is a need, sure, but there are many others in a relationship*.


Absolutely. 

I think sex for a woman usually comes after emotional needs are met. I don't think her emotional needs were met by her husband. And when someone came along who did meet those needs, the sex followed.

OP, I think you are conflicted for a reason. Really think this through before you decide if you want to stay. I think your heart is screaming something at you, and your head, too. Don't let guilt sway you. You have no kids with this guy and he does not even bring in money. It is not a loss.


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## TBT

@rainbowfire,I think you really have to sit down and figure yourself out and not be with anyone until you know yourself better. Your husband not meeting your needs aside,what is it about you that you find it acceptable to choose one of the most destructive things a marriage can face as a solution.


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## *Deidre*

I echo those who suggest to divorce, and move on. My initial thought reading your opening post, is that you mention you’ve cheated in the past before your husband, and it’s ended relationships. Perhaps, commitment just isn’t your thing. It’s not for everyone. I think this has less to do with your husband not attracting you anymore, and more to do with, you might have this tendency to become complacent when you’re in a committed relationship. My advice would be to divorce, and find out what you really want in life.


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## manfromlamancha

jld said:


> Hmm. I think she is just explaining how she feels, as honestly as she could at the moment.


Really ? What about the bit that she has always cheated in the past and it has always led to the breakups of her relationships ?

What do you think about that ?


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## jld

manfromlamancha said:


> Really ? What about the bit that she has always cheated in the past and it has always led to the breakups of her relationships ?
> 
> What do you think about that ?


Read post #13.


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## lifeistooshort

blueinbr said:


> If a husband cheats, does it mean that the wife is not meeting his needs? Great way to blame the betrayed for the cheater's actions.


It often does. That doesn't mean it's the betrayed's fault, it just means needs aren't being met. Maybe they're not communicating said needs or maybe they have and been ignored. Of course the cheating solves nothing. 

Sometimes a betrayed can meet every possible need and the spouse still cheats. That spouse is a pos. Other times the betrayed isn't meeting spouse's needs; in that case cheating spouse needs to own cheating but betrayed isn't off the hook for their part.

I'd say at very least letting his wife support him while he pursues hobbies is a good indictor that he has a part in their breakdown.

She makes poor, unproductive choices in response. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snerg

rainbowfire said:


> Throughout this time I found myself developing strong crushes on other people, although I never acted on them. I kissed somebody once but I stopped it quickly and felt very guilty, although I didn't tell my husband about it.


Sounds like a serial cheater here by your own admission




rainbowfire said:


> Recently we made friends with somebody who excited me in ways I hadn't felt for a long time. Against our better judgement, the two of us fell into an emotional affair - we were messaging all the time and we knew it was dangerous, but we couldn't stop - or didn't want to. Eventually it led to us kissing, and then to having sex. We both went a little crazy because of the fact that we suddenly had to lie to everyone around us and keep secrets, but still we didn't feel too bad about it... and we didn't want to stop. I don't think I can say I'm in love with this guy but our friendship started to look like something amazing, something that I believe could become a very healthy relationship in my life if we were able to continue it.


Sounds like cheat speak logic for justifications





rainbowfire said:


> I packed a bag and I went out into the night. Naturally I found a way to contact my lover in the end and I got him to meet me.


Naturally you did




rainbowfire said:


> I know that affairs often happen because things are wrong/missing in our relationships.


No. Wrong.

Affairs happen because there are things wrong with choices people make. There is nothing that has occurred that justifies having an affair 

You don't like how your marriage is - you divorce. Cheating never, ever, ever is the solution



rainbowfire said:


> The truth is I've been supporting him so long I haven't been able to think about my own long-term, and yes, my affair was escapism - the only thing I got to do that was for me, that I really enjoyed.


Justifications. That's all that you have.







jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


Yeah....No

Not really applicable (like ever)

By her own admission


rainbowfire said:


> (I have cheated in the past and it has always ended my relationships).


So please stop with the man being in the wrong.

Rainbow, at the very least has boundary issues. She more than likely has monogamy/commitment issues. By her own admission (again with that pesky phrase) she cheats and ruins relationships


Rainbow. Couple things
1) Therapy - you need someone to talk to. Why do you keep sabotaging your relationships with affairs?
2) You need to find out what's going on with you. There's nothing wrong with people that can't be monogamous. The issue occurs when you are married to someone expecting monogamy and you cheat. It's life changing pain you're causing
3) you should really think about being on your own. Reading through your post (granted, much of it has had a lot of cheater affect marriage rewriting going on), you clearly aren't happy. Get out so the both of you can have a clean start and be with someone that can make the both of you happy


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## jld

Totally agree with OP that "affairs often happen because things are wrong/missing in our relationships."

Be rigorous in examining this, OP. No matter how painful, be rigorously honest about this.


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## *Deidre*

Nah, most affairs ‘happen’ because the cheater is looking for something to make him/her happy…and believes that another person is capable of filling such a void. Thus, the marital partner is blamed, but really, it is the cheater’s internal issues that are usually the reason behind affairs. And when they divorce the BS, they realize that their issues are still there, and it wasn’t their spouse’s fault, at all.


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## ButtPunch

jld said:


> Totally agree with OP that "affairs often happen because things are wrong/missing in our relationships."
> 
> Be rigorous in examining this, OP. No matter how painful, be rigorously honest about this.


I believe this to be a falsehood.


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## ButtPunch

*Deidre* said:


> Nah, most affairs ‘happen’ because the cheater is looking for something to make him/her happy…and believes that another person is capable of filling such a void. Thus, the marital partner is blamed, but really, it is the cheater’s internal issues that are usually the reason behind affairs. And when they divorce the BS, they realize that their issues are still there, and it wasn’t their spouse’s fault, at all.


I believe this is GOLD.


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## ButtPunch

*Deidre* said:


> And when they divorce the BS, they realize that their issues are still there, and it wasn’t their spouse’s fault, at all.


But they don't all realize this. Only a few do in fact. Most move on to someone else rinse and repeat.


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## Married but Happy

... "affairs often happen because things are wrong/missing in our relationships" and "most affairs ‘happen’ because the cheater is looking for something to make him/her happy…and believes that another person is capable of filling such a void" can be one and the same thing. Why are they looking for something to make them happy? Because something is missing. Cheating isn't the answer, of course, but an ongoing lack in the marriage or a persistent negative behavior by the spouse can weaken the resolve to stay and fix things, if they even can be. The choice to cheat is solely the cheater's, but I think it's rare that the BS didn't somehow make that choice easier.

To see that this is true, just look at people who divorce before looking for someone else with whom they'll be happier. They leave because something is lacking or something is harming them - or both. The difference is that they waited for a real cure rather than looking for a band-aid and an aspirin.


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## ButtPunch

I know I have said this a million times but happiness comes from within. If you need your spouse to be happy, you are in for a world of disappointment. So yes I do believe some people will cheat because they feel their needs are neglected but I also believe they were prone to cheat anyway because unhappy people love to escape.


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## Hicks

A serial cheater has an emotional need to be in an illicit relationship, so no spouse can ever meet this need.


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## Blossom Leigh

Hicks said:


> A serial cheater has an emotional need to be in an illicit relationship, so no spouse can ever meet this need.


Nor should they try...

Post of the day right there Hicks.


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## EllisRedding

*Deidre* said:


> Nah, most affairs ‘happen’ because the cheater is looking for something to make him/her happy…and believes that another person is capable of filling such a void. Thus, the marital partner is blamed, but really, it is the cheater’s internal issues that are usually the reason behind affairs. And when they divorce the BS, they realize that their issues are still there, and it wasn’t their spouse’s fault, at all.


The fallacy in your post though, you seem to have some sort of misguided view that there should be shared accountability within a relationship (crazy, I know...). Fortunate for you, as the female, you have the ability to wave your accountability rights, if things falter in your relationship just blameshift, say it was b/c your fiance/H didn't listen to you, didn't inspire you, was emotionally weak and you need a real man.


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## EllisRedding

OP - as others have stated, do the right thing for both you and your H, end the marriage. You got married to him while still in love with someone else, and even questioned things on our honeymoon. This marriage was a mistake. For the benefit of everyone (and especially before you bring kids into this disaster) move on so both you and your H can be happy.


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## *Deidre*

EllisRedding said:


> The fallacy in your post though, you seem to have some sort of misguided view that there should be shared accountability within a relationship (crazy, I know...). Fortunate for you, as the female, you have the ability to wave your accountability rights, if things falter in your relationship just blameshift, say it was b/c your fiance/H didn't listen to you, didn't inspire you, was emotionally weak and you need a real man.


All women aren't alike. lol That's your fallacy in thinking so.


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## EllisRedding

*Deidre* said:


> *All women aren't alike.* lol That's your fallacy in thinking so.


More lies :redcard::banned2:


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## *Deidre*

EllisRedding said:


> More lies :redcard::banned2:


:x:grin2: lol


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## manfromlamancha

jld said:


> Read post #13.


OK so if I understand you correct, you are saying:


If a married woman cheats, then its a good indication that her husband is not meeting her needs.


If she cheats and gets caught and then isn't sorry about it, she is showing vulnerability.


And if she blatantly says I married you even though I knew I wanted to sleep with someone else, then its not her fault, she just might not be cut out for monogamy, poor thing!


HOWEVER …

If a man cheats he is weak and not taking responsibility for his family and as head of the household he ought to work harder at the marriage.


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## MachoMcCoy

ButtPunch said:


> Just end it and so both of you can get on with your lives.


That.


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## ConanHub

Ummm..... No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

jld said:


> Totally agree with OP that *"affairs often happen because things are wrong/missing in our relationships."*
> 
> Be rigorous in examining this, OP. No matter how painful, be rigorously honest about this.


Normally it's another set of genitals.

Or "strange", if you will.


----------



## rainbowfire

Wow. Thank you all for the thoughts. I really appreciate the cutting honesty of everything I've read here, and I completely agree... I need to sort out why I keep behaving in this way, and I need to seriously work on myself and on being happy on the inside.

I have been reading back my old diary entries and I see how the exact same thing happened in my last relationship, and how I forced myself to stay because I was so afraid of being alone. I know it isn't healthy, and I know that I need to do some serious work on myself.

This probably doesn't help but I am overwhelmed with grief at the thought of my husband's pain, of not knowing what to do next, where to go, of not having somebody to look after him. I know that he is strong, though, and I know that he will find a way to be OK eventually.... and I will miss him a lot but it isn't fair to drag this out any longer. I'm just terrified of the actual break-up, of the pain, the words that will be exchanged. This morning when I woke up thinking things were over I felt chest pain and dizziness so strong that I didn't know what to do.. this is partially because I haven't been eating or sleeping properly.

But you're right, perhaps I am taking the "victim" approach and I need to properly own what I did. 

By the way, I started this relationship by being upfront about all the cheating I had done before and telling him that I wasn't interested in monogamy. Somehow, though, I ended up "realising" that I wasn't interested in getting with anyone else, and so somehow it became expected that we were monogamous after all. I need to be more assertive in future. 

I can update you all if you like.


----------



## rainbowfire

Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.


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## farsidejunky

rainbowfire said:


> Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.


You don't get to keep your husband AND your lover.

Make the solid choice. Choose one. Let the other go.

Your actions are wrecking the lives of three people.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding

rainbowfire said:


> Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. *We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.*


You cheated on your H with this guy. The fact that you don't want to let this guy goes speaks volumes about how you feel about your marriage (reconciliation is obviously not your top priority or this wouldn't even be a question). Honestly, it is clear you should no longer be married. Even if things are rough at first for your H, he will be better off in the long run.


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## *Deidre*

rainbowfire said:


> Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.


I'm not down with giving passwords and such in a marriage. To me, and this is just my opinion, but it creates a parent/child relationship. If your kid was doing something wrong, you'd have the right to 'parent' him/her. But, rebuilding trust shouldn't mean that you have no privacy all of a sudden. That said, the ex lover needs to go for sure. If you don't want to let go of the 'friendship,' then...honestly, it might be good if you're single, because then you don't have to really answer to anyone.


----------



## Elizabeth001

*Deidre* said:


> I'm not down with giving passwords and such in a marriage. To me, and this is just my opinion, but it creates a parent/child relationship. If your kid was doing something wrong, you'd have the right to 'parent' him/her. But, rebuilding trust shouldn't mean that you have no privacy all of a sudden. That said, the ex lover needs to go for sure. If you don't want to let go of the 'friendship,' then...honestly, it might be good if you're single, because then you don't have to really answer to anyone.



Yes. Wtf wants to be mommy/daddy to a spouse? Wtf wants to be treated like a child?

loose/loose


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes. Wtf wants to be mommy/daddy to a spouse? Wtf wants to be treated like a child?
> 
> loose/loose
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think for some it helps the BS get through it and holds the WS to an uncomfortable but maybe necessary level of accountability.

I wouldn't give a rat's rump because she would be sans marriage before she could blink.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

rainbowfire said:


> Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.


JFC.

Just divorce already.

Just be sure to let your current affair partner know that he won't be the last.


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## GusPolinski

*Deidre* said:


> *I'm not down with giving passwords and such in a marriage. To me, and this is just my opinion, but it creates a parent/child relationship.* If your kid was doing something wrong, you'd have the right to 'parent' him/her.


It really doesn't.

Rather, it aids in creating the type of environment in which trust can be built naturally and organically.



*Deidre* said:


> But, rebuilding trust shouldn't mean that you have no privacy all of a sudden.


Amazingly naive, IMO.



*Deidre* said:


> That said, the ex lover needs to go for sure. If you don't want to let go of the 'friendship,' then...honestly, it might be good if you're single, because then you don't have to really answer to anyone.


Normally I'd agree, but let's be honest... it's the husband that needs to be cut loose here.


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## bandit.45

> I told him that I didn't think I could cope with monogamy (I have cheated in the past and it has always ended my relationships).


You answered your own question. And it is an honest answer. You are not monogamous. It is not a slant against you. I'm not saying you are a slvt or a bimbo, so please don't misunderstand me. 

Some people are just not marriageable and never will be. At least you are finding this out while you are still young, so that you have a chance to switch directions and stop continuing to hurt other partners in the future.

Your best bet for happiness would be to divorce your deadbeat husband (yes...he's a bum, sorry...) and then stay single for the rest of your life. As you go into the future, make sure every partner you meet knows that you are not the "settling down" type and never will be. Make sure you make it clear to them that you enjoy a free-spirited, sexually open lifestyle and that you will not settle own for one person. 

I envy you. I wish I was attractive enough and still young enough to do this.


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## Maricha75

rainbowfire said:


> Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.


Pick one or the other. If you want to stay with your husband, you need to cut the other guy loose. Otherwise, your husband is going to have all sorts of scenarios playing in his mind, every time you go anywhere with this guy, or see him anywhere. It isn't fair to your husband.

As for the passwords, I see nothing wrong with his request, at all. You are hesitsting, which tells me you really have no interest in making things work with him. You don't want him to see your conversations, and I would guess you are afraid if you give him the passwords, he will dig up conversations with your lover, and he will discover when you decide you just can't live without him, so unblock and re-add him. If you have nothing to hide, then give him the passwords. If you don't, I guarantee he will think you are hiding something anyway.

Ftr, yes, my husband has my passwords, and I have his. His fingerprint unlocks my phone and mine unlocks his. Nothing to hide, no reason to not share passwords.


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## bandit.45

Maricha75 said:


> Pick one or the other.


Yeah but isn't she just going to turn around and do the same thing to this other guy if she picks him? She would be limiting herself. That's no fun.


----------



## weltschmerz

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


When a husband cheats, its a pretty good sign that his wife is a motionless living breathing mannequin in bed.

OP, your husband is a leech and you yourself admitted that you're not cut out for marriage, leave this joke of a relationship before you have children and make things exponentially more complicated.


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## Evinrude58

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


Disgusting, just dusgusting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

jld said:


> I think the new man was meeting her needs. She responded.
> 
> I agree that she needs to choose better. Like someone she does not have to support.


Any man without a job for that long and in good health should lose his man card. However, apparently as soon as op's husband missefulfilling her needs for a few months, she's off to the races with no remorse and with a written excuse from doctor Harley's biggest fan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

bandit.45 said:


> You answered your own question. And it is an honest answer. You are not monogamous. It is not a slant against you. I'm not saying you are a slvt or a bimbo, so please don't misunderstand me.
> 
> Some people are just not marriageable and never will be. At least you are finding this out while you are still young, so that you have a chance to switch directions and stop continuing to hurt other partners in the future.
> 
> Your best bet for happiness would be to divorce your deadbeat husband (yes...he's a bum, sorry...) and then stay single for the rest of your life. As you go into the future, make sure every partner you meet knows that you are not the "settling down" type and never will be. Make sure you make it clear to them that you enjoy a free-spirited, sexually open lifestyle and that you will not settle own for one person.
> 
> I envy you. I wish I was attractive enough and still young enough to do this.


I don't envy her, I feel sadness. It's a wonderful thing for me to love one woman. I love having a person to have sex with that knows just what I like and enjoys giving it to me because they love me, and me the same for her. 
I don't like nasty one night stands at all compared to someone I love.
It's a shame some people never get that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

*Deidre* said:


> I'm not down with giving passwords and such in a marriage. To me, and this is just my opinion, but it creates a parent/child relationship. If your kid was doing something wrong, you'd have the right to 'parent' him/her. But, rebuilding trust shouldn't mean that you have no privacy all of a sudden. That said, the ex lover needs to go for sure. If you don't want to let go of the 'friendship,' then...honestly, it might be good if you're single, because then you don't have to really answer to anyone.


I normally like the heck out of Diedre's advice, but I think she's wrong on the "privacy" thing. Gus said it best. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. I hope you never learn what he means, deidre.

Enjoy your posts, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.
> 
> Please tell him Thanks, but no thanks.


Wow, aren't you the goddess. If you are not happy you divorce. You do not cheat..... 

Yourself: ---> you are willing to give out your..opinion, even if it is not politically correct. Good. 

I wanted to say at least you are honest. But it does not compute.


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## happy as a clam

Just divorce already. Besides the fact that you really aren't very good at monogamy, your husband is a deadbeat who hasn't earned a paycheck in more than two years.

Time to pack it up, move along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015

I had the same thought, her arguments are illogical and absurd. 



spinsterdurga said:


> Can you please answer yes or no? I'm not interested in a flawed argument.
> 
> No offense but I hope that you don't teach your kids about how to argue a point/case. One of my major requires extensive knowledge of arguments, and your argument above would get an F.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre*

Evinrude58 said:


> There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. I hope you never learn what he means, deidre.


 I hope I don't, either. 



> Enjoy your posts, though.


 I enjoy yours too


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## rainbowfire

Just for the record, my "lover" and I have openly discussed the fact that neither of us really believe in monogamy, and that if we were ever together than it would be an open relationship. We have addressed issues of jealousy, as I (yes, I know it's hypocritical) felt jealous when he started seeing another girl at the same time that our affair had started. But we talked openly and I felt "heard" for the first time in years. It was really interesting and I felt that once I'd talked about my feelings I didn't feel jealous any more. He and I have managed to create a space where we can both learn and grow, without expecting anything of each other. I don't know how sustainable such a thing would be and I don't think he's somebody I would want to be with, or at least to be with for a long time, but he is somebody I want in my life, sex or no sex. 

The thing is, I don't think the options are: monogamy or live alone forever. I think I just need somebody like the lover who can provide love, affection, sex, somebody to talk to, but who also provides freedom and doesn't try to control me. Reading back on my journal entries since 2008 I can see that I have used men to validate myself... and it's definitely time to work on that and to learn to love and respect myself first.

Also for the record... one night stands are awful. That is not something I want or would go for having experienced them in the past. My "affairs" have always been emotional affairs, with people who start out as my new best friends and that develop into something more. 

You're right, of course. The fact that I can't just cut out this guy (that I've only known since December) speaks volumes for my feelings towards my husband. I hope my husband can work out that he is better off without me, too.


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## Maricha75

Rainbowfire, I am curious. Why do you insist on putting quotes around the word lover? You had sex with him, multiple times. He is/was your lover, not your "lover". When you put it in quotes, it comes across as if you are trying to make it less than it is. 

You discussed with your lover that you don't believe in monogamy. I suppose you have not had this same conversation with your husband? And your jealousy over him seeing another woman says a lot, too. These are things you need to work out, yourself. You need to figure out if you truly do not believe in monogamy or if you are just not into your husband any longer. Either way, I can understand. That doesn't mean I am condoning your affair. Something I am curious about... why has your husband not been working? Please, try to answer this as objectively as possible, and not as the "irritated wife with a deadbeat husband". Is there a legitimate reason he has not been working, or is he truly just lazy? Again, try to be objective about it.


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## weltschmerz

rainbowfire said:


> Just for the record, my "lover" and I have openly discussed the fact that neither of us really believe in monogamy, and that if we were ever together than it would be an open relationship. We have addressed issues of jealousy, as I (yes, I know it's hypocritical) felt jealous when he started seeing another girl at the same time that our affair had started. But we talked openly and I felt "heard" for the first time in years. It was really interesting and I felt that once I'd talked about my feelings I didn't feel jealous any more. He and I have managed to create a space where we can both learn and grow, without expecting anything of each other. I don't know how sustainable such a thing would be and I don't think he's somebody I would want to be with, or at least to be with for a long time, but he is somebody I want in my life, sex or no sex.
> 
> The thing is, I don't think the options are: monogamy or live alone forever. I think I just need somebody like the lover who can provide love, affection, sex, somebody to talk to, but who also provides freedom and doesn't try to control me. Reading back on my journal entries since 2008 I can see that I have used men to validate myself... and it's definitely time to work on that and to learn to love and respect myself first.
> 
> Also for the record... one night stands are awful. That is not something I want or would go for having experienced them in the past. My "affairs" have always been emotional affairs, with people who start out as my new best friends and that develop into something more.
> 
> You're right, of course. The fact that I can't just cut out this guy (that I've only known since December) speaks volumes for my feelings towards my husband. I hope my husband can work out that he is better off without me, too.


Discounting the fact that your husband is a lazy arse, which, in my opinion, is much better than being a deceiving person. I'll say this.

It's easy to be "heard" when you've got little invested in your affair. The OM knows exactly what to say - just dangle the possibility of a relationship while milking you(sorry) for all your money's worth. You were initially jealous because you were competing for him with the other girl, sexual competition is designed to make him seem more attractive. Jealousy disappeared because I'm guessing he said exactly what you wanted to hear - ie. You're the main squeeze whom he loves and she's just a side chick. Since you're not into monogamy, this should be okay, right? Pretty sure he'd say the same line to the other girl.

I'm guessing you haven't really created a "space to learn and grow" more like a space for you to get your emotional high and for him to get his sexual fix. One night stands are most likely awful because you're actually seeking the conversation and a bit of emotional attachment.

You seem to have commitment issues spawning from childhood. Absentee father, depressed mother, something like that? You should probably move this thread to the CWI.


----------



## aine

rainbowfire said:


> Ah, I also forgot to say that to rebuild the trust now my husband wants to be able to read my Facebook messages, get my password, and make sure that I delete/block the lover forever. I know I should be able to block this guy out of my life for the sake of my marriage but... it wasn't just sex, of course. We were developing a great emotional connection, and even if we remained friends and didn't have sex again I still don't want to lose that.


in other words, your husband's pain at your infidelity really means alot less to you than maintaining a relationship with the very man who destroyed your H's marriage. Nice!
You fit the mold of every other cheater, self centeredness, selfishness and an unwillingness to see exactly how much damage you cause by cheating. 
I suggest you let you H go so he can have a life with someone worthy of him. As for you, you are not worthy to be married to anyone until you grow up and deal with the root cause of all your cheating.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Rainbowfire, do you even like your "husband"?

Cause if you do, then this is quite simple - you don't want to be married, you want to be able to have sex freely with whomever you want and don't want monogamy - give him as amicable a divorce as you can! Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours! There is no need to discuss anything here.

If, on the other hand, you want to hurt him (maybe for not being a better more reliable earner etc), then I would understand dragging this out. But I don't think that is the case.


As for your fvcker (see, I didn't use the "lover" term since you don't really think of him as a lover hence the quotation marks), I am sure you felt heard by him. Every man's "hearing" goes up a hundred fold when he wants in a woman's pants. And that's OK cause I am sure he felt "heard" by you too since you wanted the same thing he did.


A final question for you - what happens when you are much older and greyer ? Do you think you might have a come to Zoroaster moment and see monogamy as perhaps not being so bad when you are lonely and cannot pull in hot males anymore ?


----------



## Blossom Leigh

manfromlamancha said:


> * Every man's "hearing" goes up a hundred fold when he wants in a woman's pants. And that's OK cause I am sure he felt "heard" by you too since you wanted the same thing he did.
> *
> 
> A final question for you - *what happens when you are much older *and greyer ? Do you think you might have a come to Zoroaster moment and see monogamy as perhaps not being so bad when you are lonely and cannot pull in hot males anymore ?


rainbow... for some reason you are addicted to "sweet talk" even when it is used to "use" you. This will be something very hard to stop yourself from allowing in your life. Its like the drug addict who believes that their drug dealer loves them and wants the best for them. We all know the drug dealer ONLY wants the addict to get her fix, because HE benefits no matter how destructive it is to the addict. 

The question is... what happened to you in the past that caused you to think that you were not worth authentic love and that you are ONLY worth manipulation that is rooted in betrayal of your truest identity. This guy is not a "true" friend/lover. True friends and true loves are time tested and they HONOR your truest identity. I don't care how "fluffy" you make it sound, I do not believe a slvt is your truest identity. Therefore this guy is dishonoring you and you are allowing it because you first dishonor yourself. question is ... can you turn that around and do you want to. I hope you find the answer to that as yes at some point if it is not today.


----------



## Clay2013

rainbowfire said:


> The thing is, I don't think the options are: monogamy or live alone forever. I think I just need somebody like the lover who can provide love, affection, sex, somebody to talk to, but who also provides freedom and doesn't try to control me.


Keep in mind this is only going to apply as long as you have something to offer your lover. As you age your appeal will fade. You may not realize this but the very thing you fear your probably going to have to live with. 

See even people in open relationship have rules. Respect and honesty are among them. How do you expect someone will give you the respect you think you deserve when you cant offer that yourself. 

My xW loved getting validation and she probably had the grass is greener some where else. Well she is on her sixth kid who she just put of for adoption. She has custody of none of them. She has no relationship with the other five. This is where you start to realize you have to find some common grounds with people before you alienate everyone. I bet even your lover will have limits to this relationship you offer. 

I agree with the others just divorce and move. 

C


----------



## Hope1964

jld said:


> When a wife cheats, it is a pretty good sign that her husband is not meeting her needs.










I see you're still up to your old tricks. Have you mentioned yet that perhaps all she needs to do is practice ACTIVE LISTENING and her entire life will fall into place?
















rainbowfire, please divorce your husband and let him live his life the way he wants to (ie with a faithful monogamous wife), and you go live yours with the polyamorous lover. Since you don't think that being truly remorseful is the right thing to do, you don't deserve your husband.


----------



## rainbowfire

Well, guys. 

I did it. I came home and he was so hopeful about reconciliation... then I told him that I'd been thinking about it and that I just didn't want to do it. I don't know, I said a lot of things. At first he was ice cold and said some more hurtful things, but then he broke down and cried. 

It was horrible, and now I'm alone in the house. His last words to me were "this is you.. live with it". It's horrible because despite all of this, he still loves me and wants me to be happy. But now he thinks that he is dead inside, that there will no longer be any joy in his life, that he has nothing... that his future is bleak, and he wants to die. So, I've killed the man I love, perhaps. 

I don't know if I need therapy or something. Despite some assumptions on here, it's not like I've had a really messed up past - just always very low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness, I think. 

I honestly don't know whether I've just made the biggest mistake of my life or not. I tried to tell him that things will get better but if he doesn't believe that, I've probably just destroyed his entire life. Here comes the remorse....


----------



## *Deidre*

rainbowfire said:


> Well, guys.
> 
> I did it. I came home and he was so hopeful about reconciliation... then I told him that I'd been thinking about it and that I just didn't want to do it. I don't know, I said a lot of things. At first he was ice cold and said some more hurtful things, but then he broke down and cried.
> 
> It was horrible, and now I'm alone in the house. His last words to me were "this is you.. live with it". It's horrible because despite all of this, he still loves me and wants me to be happy. But now he thinks that he is dead inside, that there will no longer be any joy in his life, that he has nothing... that his future is bleak, and he wants to die. So, I've killed the man I love, perhaps.
> 
> I don't know if I need therapy or something. Despite some assumptions on here, it's not like I've had a really messed up past - just always very low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness, I think.
> 
> I honestly don't know whether I've just made the biggest mistake of my life or not. I tried to tell him that things will get better but if he doesn't believe that, I've probably just destroyed his entire life. Here comes the remorse....


If he made you is entire life, letting him go, was the best thing for him. He needs help then, and he needs to find himself. You can't do that for him. I think you made an excellent choice, to be honest, and in time, he will heal. And so will you. I know it hurts right now, it never feels good to break up with someone who cares about you, but I have a feeling, he is a co-dependent, and that is a set of issues that will never make for a happy long term relationship. He needs to find himself, again...without any woman defining him. I hope that you find happiness...((prayers and hugs))


----------



## Hope1964

*Deidre* said:


> If he made you is entire life, letting him go, was the best thing for him. He needs help then, and he needs to find himself. You can't do that for him. I think you made an excellent choice, to be honest, and in time, he will heal. And so will you. I know it hurts right now, it never feels good to break up with someone who cares about you, but I have a feeling, he is a co-dependent, and that is a set of issues that will never make for a happy long term relationship. He needs to find himself, again...without any woman defining him. I hope that you find happiness...((prayers and hugs))


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## BassGuy919

You are human, but you also don't deserve your husband unless you can commit to him 100% and not feel cheated by it. 

Marriage is a serious commitment and emotional and physical fidelity is part of that commitment (unless it is understood to be an open marriage by both parties), and unless you understand that you have no business being in one.

I feel bad for your husband. But I feel bad for you too. A lot of people (and you seem to be one) think that love and marriage is about feeling like you're in love all the time. The "in love" part comes and goes. You will one day realize that love is more than infatuation or sexual attraction, or maybe you won't

That's what's wrong with most relationships today and why at least half fail. It's not easy and takes two people being committed to a relationship to make it work. My marriage is just shy of 20 years old but is currently on the rocks just so you know, but at the same time, we have lasted almost 20 years and even if it fails now, that's more than most people last. It hasn't been easy. That's for sure. One of the reasons our marriage is on the rocks now is because we haven't been honest with each other or ourselves for awhile. So if you can't be honest now either to yourself or him, then please let your poor husband off the hook so he can find someone who can give him the commitment he wants and needs.

If you do still love your husband, and he forgives you, AND you can be faithful then go all in and don't look back. 
BUT, if you have any doubts that you can be faithful, however, then do him and yourself a favor and end it. From the looks of things though, like the fact that you have cheated in previous relationships and don't seem to believe in monogamy, I don't think you can be faithful, but only you know that for sure.

So again, if the thought of never being with anyone else but your husband makes you uncomfortable or mad or scared, then please do the poor guy a favor and let him go. He deserves better. It will probably be really hard on him in the short term, but it will be even worse if you pull this crap again in the future, especially if you have kids by then.


----------



## TeddieG

EllisRedding said:


> More lies :redcard::banned2:


OMG, @EllisRedding, what HAVE you done with your avatar???!!!

LOLOLOL!!!


----------



## BassGuy919

Furthermore, if you do leave your husband, I for one wouldn't try to hook up with the guy you cheated with. Any relationship built on dishonesty already has the seeds of destruction sown. If I were your boyfriend, I would think to myself "She cheated oh her husband to be with me, what's to stop her from doing that with me when she get bored of me?"

It is not clear from your post if the other man is married or not. If he is then my previous statement goes double and you should think about that for yourself.

RDLR


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## TeddieG

rubendlr said:


> You are human, but you also don't deserve your husband unless you can commit to him 100% and not feel cheated by it.
> 
> Marriage is a serious commitment and emotional and physical fidelity is part of that commitment (unless it is understood to be an open marriage by both parties), and unless you understand that you have no business being in one.
> 
> I feel bad for your husband. But I feel bad for you too. A lot of people (and you seem to be one) think that love and marriage is about feeling like you're in love all the time. The "in love" part comes and goes. You will one day realize that love is more than infatuation or sexual attraction, or maybe you won't
> 
> That's what's wrong with most relationships today and why at least half fail. It's not easy and takes two people being committed to a relationship to make it work. My marriage is just shy of 20 years old but is currently on the rocks just so you know, but at the same time, we have lasted almost 20 years and even if it fails now, that's more than most people last. It hasn't been easy. That's for sure. One of the reasons our marriage is on the rocks now is because we haven't been honest with each other or ourselves for awhile. So if you can't be honest now either to yourself or him, then please let your poor husband off the hook so he can find someone who can give him the commitment he wants and needs.
> 
> If you do still love your husband, and he forgives you, AND you can be faithful then go all in and don't look back.
> BUT, if you have any doubts that you can be faithful, however, then do him and yourself a favor and end it. From the looks of things though, like the fact that you have cheated in previous relationships and don't seem to believe in monogamy, I don't think you can be faithful, but only you know that for sure.
> 
> So again, if the thought of never being with anyone else but your husband makes you uncomfortable or mad or scared, then please do the poor guy a favor and let him go. He deserves better. It will probably be really hard on him in the short term, but it will be even worse if you pull this crap again in the future, especially if you have kids by then.


Beautiful post, @rubendlr


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## manfromlamancha

The bottom line is you have not matured to the level of wanting a steady relationship - married or not. Rushing into marriage(s) is clearly wrong for you now.

Some people reach this level of maturity early on (early to mid twenties) and some people later (late thirties to forties) and some never!

You need to not get into "relationships" until you are ready. There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex with attractive men (provided you stay careful and healthy) but do not set any expectations for yourself or others, yet.

I do feel sad for you because it is truly a wonderful thing when you do manage to share yourself with the one person!


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## Blossom Leigh

rainbowfire said:


> Well, guys.
> 
> I did it. I came home and he was so hopeful about reconciliation... then I told him that I'd been thinking about it and that I just didn't want to do it. I don't know, I said a lot of things. At first he was ice cold and said some more hurtful things, but then he broke down and cried.
> 
> It was horrible, and now I'm alone in the house. His last words to me were "this is you.. live with it". It's horrible because despite all of this, he still loves me and wants me to be happy. But now he thinks that he is dead inside, that there will no longer be any joy in his life, that he has nothing... that his future is bleak, and he wants to die. So, I've killed the man I love, perhaps.
> 
> I don't know if I need therapy or something. Despite some assumptions on here, it's not like I've had a really messed up past - just always *very low self-esteem *and lack of assertiveness, I think.
> 
> I honestly don't know whether I've just made the biggest mistake of my life or not. I tried to tell him that things will get better but if he doesn't believe that, I've probably just destroyed his entire life. Here comes the remorse....


Why? Where did that come from?


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## EllisRedding

rainbowfire said:


> I honestly don't know whether I've just made the biggest mistake of my life or not. I tried to tell him that things will get better but if he doesn't believe that, I've probably just destroyed his entire life. Here comes the remorse....


If you wonder whether or not you made the right choice, just keep re reading your posts here, and in particular the fact you seem to be unwilling to give up your relationship with the OM. You are not truly willing to put your H first, so the best option is for each of you to move on. Time will help heal these wounds.


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## Blossom Leigh

And he will love again rainbow... that one's going to sting too when you find out. Just heads up..


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## FaithinVisionsRealized

Being married can be filled with butterflies, joy, and mutual connection along with pain, sorrow, and disappointments. Think of any relationship that you have had outside of marriage, a friend, mom, brother, or sister. You most likely had great moments and difficult moments where you want to completely run for the hills away from them. In your marriage you described the same phenomena of having a soul mate connection with your spouse and then the challenges started when you moved to another country. Whenever there is a transition in life, whether it be positive or negative, there is bound to be tension in a marriage. I imagine moving away from friends and family was difficult for you and thus you expressed your frustration to your husband because you trusted him. This can be positive that this is shared; however, the way it is expressed is what can draw both of you closer together or further a part. 

You had mentioned that there was resentment about not being able to pursue your dreams. I liked that you admitted that it really has to do with your fear of pursuing your dreams. Ask yourself what is holding you back and how your spouse can help you achieve your dreams together. Both of you contributed to the negative atmosphere of your marriage, (Your spouse being emotionally unavailable and your infidelity). Your marriage can absolutely be reconciled even if you do not feel love toward him. Love is associated with warm and fuzzy feelings; however, LOVE is an action word. I would recommend both of you seek professional counseling from a marriage and family therapist. Pertaining to gaining trust being transparent with your spouse by giving him access to accounts is helpful. It will not heal the trust issue on its own though. There needs to be boundaries established for both of you (Especially when it comes to opposite sex communication), transparency, forgiveness, and increased communication to re-establish. I can understand that feel strongly for the other man and care for him; however, I recommend no longer contacting him as it is detrimental to your marriage and creates confusion for you. Blessings. I also would like you to ask yourself this question: Have you been in a relationship where the feelings were warm and fuzzy constantly?


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## BassGuy919

I just read a later post, about being an open relationship with your boyfriend and then you had some contradictory statements about being jealous and thinking "he's [not] somebody I would want to be with"
I truly believe you have no business being in anything but an open relationship and perhaps not even that as there was also a statement about validating yourself with men.

All of this makes me think that you need to work on yourself more before you get into or back into ANY relationship. Please go see a therapist or something because I think you need help. I mean this as an honest opinion. I'm not saying this as a put down or to belittle you. I am NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist, or even a counselor, but I do think you need some help to resolve these issues so that you can be in a fulfilling relationship and not hurt yourself or others.

RDLR


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## larry.gray

*Deidre* said:


> All women aren't alike. lol That's your fallacy in thinking so.


I only need to look within my immediate family to see that. One former cheating woman traded sex for intamancy and learned the hard way about PSOM's. I don't think she'll ever cheat again. Another has NSA multi-night stands when traveling on business. Since it's costed her three husbands, so far, I don't think she's stopping.


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