# need help fast.



## completely confused1 (Jan 1, 2015)

I have been dating this girl for almost 5 years now. For some backstory her mom is borderline and has married an allegedly abusive police officer. The family is from money and my ex was left with a small trust fund. My ex was abused growing up and has lost it several times due to situations with her mother. 

Most of her friends and exs have been somewhat unbalanced.
I was able to get her out of her situation and we had lived together for three years. Her mom at one point in our relationship threatened to kill us and was institutionalized. Anyways her mom and one of her friends have worked their way back into her life ( mainly through buying her a 30,000 dollar car.) and convinced her to leave leave me for one of her exs. She has a house that I was able to purchase for her in cash using the trust fund.we lived their together. She kicked me out. And now she is not living there. 


Her mom convinced her that I am beneath her because I do not have the breeding that she does. ( it's funny as her mom was adopted and I come from a well established family.) 

She just left an moved in with this guy the next day. Now I am being harassed by the mom and the boyfriend has threatened me with a restraining order. 
I have been defending her from manipulation for years. But now I'm worried that she will self destruct. How do I help her?

I know that I should move on but I can't help worrying as she is not paying bills or her insurance. She plans on moving in the next couple of months with him to California. However she quit her job the day after she left me. She won't contact me because in her words I have nothing good to add to her life.

Any advice would be apreciated


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CC, welcome to the TAM forum. You seem to be describing a woman who is somewhat unstable like her mother (albeit not so severe). If so, the best thing you can do for her is to stop trying to rescue her from herself. Your enabling behavior is harmful. It is important she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of her own bad decisions. Otherwise, she will never have any incentive to take responsibility for her actions, confront her own issues, and learn how to manage those issues.


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## completely confused1 (Jan 1, 2015)

Thank you. After reading several of your posts I believe I know what is going on with her and have decided to keep my distance. 

This is the second time she has left me for this guy. The first time she came back after 2 years. She came back after she was caught cheating on him and she left. She continued to mess around untill her life imploded. That's when she showed up and told me everyone was using her. It was of course everyone else's fault. There were several other boyfriends in those 2 years but they where all allegedly abusive after several months.


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## completely confused1 (Jan 1, 2015)

She was my first relationship. And I never realized how much damage she was doing. She would never clean. Do laundry or cook. When I asked her to help she blew up on me. I was never good enough even though I was doing everything for her. She was always nasty in front of my family. When she left her excuses were irrational. Something about how I didn't accept her for her past. She brought a friend with her who hasn't been around years to help her break up with me. She said it was because I was unpredictable. I feel like it was a way to place the blame of her dumping me on the friend if she ever decides to try to come back


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

CC, that is a wise decision. You're describing a woman who believes she is "The Victim," always "The Victim." With such a person, you are allowed to stay in a relationship with her only so long as you continually support that false self image. Hence, there are only two roles you are allowed to play. 

One is being "The Savior," a role that you are allowed to play for 4 to 6 months while she's infatuated with you. After that, you must play the role of "The Perpetrator," taking blame for every misfortune that befalls her. Once you grow tired of that abusive treatment and start standing up for yourself, she will summarily drop you and start dating the next Savior/Perpetrator on the list.


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