# No time together alone



## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

I spent a lot of time on here yesterday, and I have not been doing that in a while. On the drive home from work last night something occurred to me, and I wanted to see if it was just my imagination, just my cheating wife, or something commonly noticed. Keep in mind, until DDay, I was under the impression we were happily married, and even though the flags were there, and I see them now, I had absolutely no clue how far down the rabbit hole went.

So here's my musing: I remember a period about 1 year before DDay (WW was cheating on me 2009-2012) where I was starting to notice distance between her and I. I sought to engage her with ideas of trips or outings to various places or events. I was frustrated with her at the time because no matter what I suggested she wanted to take the kids, or ask her parents to join us, or have friends along. In fact I struggle to remember anything that we did where she sought to be alone with me. While at the same time endlessly berating me for not having more friends, not going out more and being more social as a couple.

Like I said, huge red flag now, but at the time I was simply frustrated by it. Just wondering out loud if that was standard cheater mechanism for not wanting to share alone intimate time with me. (unwritten family rule: no sex at her or my parents house, or if our kids are in our house and awake). Just thought the two might be a correlation since looking back, I realized that we were never intimate on any of those trips we managed to take.

Just curious...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

See my sky diving post. This is a good example of the WS making space before moving on. It's not all that discussed here because everyone tends to focus on the cheating aspect, but there is a period where the cheater goes from faithful to faithless in many cases. I think the only time you won't see this is with someone that was never faithful, or already made the move prior to an unknown A.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Cheaters with a "conscience" don't see themselves as immoral or as unfaithful. In their minds they are faithful to the one they love. Some come to the conclusion that the marriage is effectively over and a piece of paper doesn't make it so - it's the heart that makes it so. 

Therefore they become your roommate or "faux sibling" and urge you as best they can to find someone of your own. They remain faithful to their true love and avoid situations where sex with the spouse is possible. This may result in 'false' fights, being sure kids are present etc. It's a chore! But one they gladly do. 

When the affair is discovered, they are faced with a choice of giving up their comfortable life, giving up part of their children's lives, and realizing that their OM may not be available to commit 100%. So, they stay.

Some may try in earnest to rekindle love for the spouse - but generally they set a time limit for that to happen. 

Has it happened with you?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Looking back to my H's EA, yes he did encourage me to take time for me and do my own things and go out with friends with out him and usually invite a family member or friend along to things like movies when it was suppose to be just us. 
I know now that he needed my focus else where. Whether it was writing, reading, or anything that kept me from noticing the amount of text messages he was receiving/sending. 
It did not work as well as he had hoped because I banned his phone from the dinner table or any time he and I were hanging out or during family time. 
At the time I did think it was just a bunch of friends and his boss (She text so much about work it should have been illegal) I guess I knew something was up but I just put my head in the sand at the time.
I feel that it was not only a distracting move it was a distancing move too. He did not want to be close to me because of the guilt it would cause him and time with me got in the way.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Link182 said:


> I spent a lot of time on here yesterday, and I have not been doing that in a while. On the drive home from work last night something occurred to me, and I wanted to see if it was just my imagination, just my cheating wife, or something commonly noticed. Keep in mind, until DDay, I was under the impression we were happily married, and even though the flags were there, and I see them now, I had absolutely no clue how far down the rabbit hole went.
> 
> So here's my musing: I remember a period about 1 year before DDay (WW was cheating on me 2009-2012) where I was starting to notice distance between her and I. I sought to engage her with ideas of trips or outings to various places or events. I was frustrated with her at the time because no matter what I suggested she wanted to take the kids, or ask her parents to join us, or have friends along. In fact I struggle to remember anything that we did where she sought to be alone with me. While at the same time endlessly berating me for not having more friends, not going out more and being more social as a couple.
> 
> ...


I can't speak from experience, but what I highlighted would be the biggest red flag of all tbh. If you have kids, this is practically setting yourselves up for failure. I hope this unwritten rule was during her affair and that you two are no longer following that rule. IMHO, part of the fun with your spouse is to figure out how to have sex covertly while the kids are still underfoot. If you want to feel like teenagers in love again, this is how to do it. Also, the kids in the house rule would basically rule out most of the time you two spend together at home. WTF?


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> Looking back to my H's EA, yes he did encourage me to take time for me and do my own things and go out with friends with out him and usually invite a family member or friend along to things like movies when it was suppose to be just us.
> I know now that he needed my focus else where. Whether it was writing, reading, or anything that kept me from noticing the amount of text messages he was receiving/sending.
> It did not work as well as he had hoped because I banned his phone from the dinner table or any time he and I were hanging out or during family time.
> At the time I did think it was just a bunch of friends and his boss (She text so much about work it should have been illegal) I guess I knew something was up but I just put my head in the sand at the time.
> I feel that it was not only a distracting move it was a distancing move too. He did not want to be close to me because of the guilt it would cause him and time with me got in the way.


I totally relate to this. I remember she was always on the phone and texting, I just thought she was addicted to her phone. It's weird now having recovered 3+ years of deleted texts and yahoo messenger conversations where her OM's would ask her won't your husband suspect? and she would tell them it was OK I never checked her phone and just thought she was addicted to it. Never really considered the aspect of using others at those times when it was supposed to be just us as an offset measure for her own guilt or using them as a distraction for me not to notice what she was doing. Very interesting point.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I can't speak from experience, but what I highlighted would be the biggest red flag of all tbh. If you have kids, this is practically setting yourselves up for failure. I hope this unwritten rule was during her affair and that you two are no longer following that rule. IMHO, part of the fun with your spouse is to figure out how to have sex covertly while the kids are still underfoot. If you want to feel like teenagers in love again, this is how to do it. Also, the kids in the house rule would basically rule out most of the time you two spend together at home. WTF?


In my head at the time, I would have said I agreed with you completely, and yes this behavior was focused mainly during the time of her affairs and just shortly beforehand. Like I said at the time of DDay I was completely and in all other ways destroyed. I trusted her completely and never saw the red flags I see now as anything other than just normal for couples married for a given length of time.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Cheaters with a "conscience" don't see themselves as immoral or as unfaithful. In their minds they are faithful to the one they love. Some come to the conclusion that the marriage is effectively over and a piece of paper doesn't make it so - it's the heart that makes it so.
> 
> Therefore they become your roommate or "faux sibling" and urge you as best they can to find someone of your own. They remain faithful to their true love and avoid situations where sex with the spouse is possible. This may result in 'false' fights, being sure kids are present etc. It's a chore! But one they gladly do.
> 
> ...


Did it happen this way? Not sure that she has ever been selfless enough to explain that but to be truthful I never asked it to her in that fashion. I struggled responding here, over a year out of DDay and it brought back some rather heated memories of the days after DDay and before I found TAM.

I remember about a month into our false recovery, she came to me one night with the sweetest look in her eyes, probably say three weeks of me being a shattered doormat, she said "thanks for helping me fall in love with you again". Come to find out she was still in contact with the OM underground (Tango/Skype). It was the first time I think I had the glimmerings of hope for standing up for myself because I launched on her. I told her funny that she needed to fall BACK in love with me, because from the day we first met until DDay I have always been in love with you!

That was a rough night, and to answer the question in short form, I think this is the primary path my WW took mentally justifying her ugly and selfish acts.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I's a red flag indicating problems in the marriage but not necessarily cheating. People who don't want sex as often any longer will make up regular patterns of excuses and rules (whether explicit or implicit) governing when sex is unavailable.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

couple said:


> I's a red flag indicating problems in the marriage but not necessarily cheating. People who don't want sex as often any longer will make up regular patterns of excuses and rules (whether explicit or implicit) governing when sex is unavailable.


Very true. It is not just a cheaters move.


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