# Talks with ex



## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

Is it ok for your wife to keep in touch with her ex if it makes you uncomfortable? And why wouldn't she stop after I expressed my feelings?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

No it's not OK

The only reason that she'd keep on doing it is a total lack of respect for your feelings

Ask her if the situation were reversed and YOU were in contact with an ex, how would that make her feel?


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

She doesnt have a problem with it......... But I don't do it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BORN_SF said:


> Is it ok for your wife to keep in touch with her ex if it makes you uncomfortable?


No it's not. My wife tried that crap and I put an end to it very quickly, by pretty much making it impossible for her to communicate with him, along with telling her that if she continued to do it against my wishes, I was leaving.



BORN_SF said:


> And why wouldn't she stop after I expressed my feelings?


It could be any one or more of the following reasons:


 She has no respect for you
You haven't given her a reason to believe that there would be any consequences if she continued to disrespect you
You didn't make a real serious effort to stop her


EDIT: What kind of EX is he? Ex-husband? Ex-boyfriend?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Define communication. Are there children involved where they HAVE to communicate about their well being or is this just friendly chatter?

Friendly chatter with the ex on non-child or divorce related topics is indicative of her still having feelings for him. 

Advice of how to deal with it is given above. She doesn't have a problem with it because she is the one doing it. If she told you she had a problem with you talking to YOUR ex she would be a hippocrite and would have to stop immediately. 

Once you are married, communications with the ex should stop unless there are children involved. They are ex's for a reason.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

Text messages and Facebook. He's an ex boyfriend. He lives next door to her dad. No children. 
But they've been friends a long time, and he's never said anything inappropriate after the break up. 
I suspect phone calls but I have no proof of that.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

She asked me on our 5th anniversary, why I had a problem with them being friends.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

BORN_SF said:


> She asked me on our 5th anniversary, why I had a problem with them being friends.


It doesn't matter why

If EITHER spouse has a problem with one of the other's "friends", that friens should be dropped, no questions asked

The fact that she still maintains contact with another man she had an emotional and physical realtionship isn't good and it is completely disrespectful to you and your marriage


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

BORN_SF said:


> She doesnt have a problem with it......... But I don't do it.


Hence why she doesn't have a problem with it......Go reach out to an ex you can be friendly with and strike up a friendship and see what happens.

I'm not actually advocating that, just making a point. 

What makes you uncomfortable?

Lets start there.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

I do feel disrespected. And really nervous/anxious.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I don't blame you

Is the ex close by? Married? Kids?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BORN_SF said:


> I do feel disrespected. And really nervous/anxious.


Your above statement tells me why she hasn't taken your concerns seriously and stopped communication with this ex-boyfriend. It appears like you are too passive to take this issue on in any meaningful way. She doesn't think you will take any action; you'll just accept it and cower. Can you tell me: 


What have you done to put an end to this?
What did you say to her?
What were her responses?
How far are you willing to go to stop this?
Your one line answers don't give us the information we need in order to help you. Give us some meat to the story to work with so we can put together a meaningful response.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't think it is appropriate. I am friends with my exhusband on FB, but that is just so I can communicate stuff about the kids if I need to. There is no friendly chatter. That part of my life is over and i have moved on.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

20 mins away. Not married. Not sure about kids.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

They were not married. No kids. Lives next door to her dad. Goes to her dads without me. Stuff like that.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

In my book this is a big no go. I can't think of anything good that can come from it. She has her man....that's you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

BORN_SF said:


> They were not married. No kids. Lives next door to her dad. Goes to her dads without me. Stuff like that.


This is not good

She gets time away from you to see the ex who is single and can hide under the cloak of visiting her dad!

Time to go full James Bond on her @ss


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Toffer said:


> This is not good
> 
> She gets time away from you to see the ex who is single and can hide under the cloak of visiting her dad!
> 
> Time to go full James Bond on her @ss


You need to put a VAR in the car asap!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

BORN_SF said:


> They were not married. No kids. Lives next door to her dad. Goes to her dads without me. Stuff like that.


You need to stop pursuing it directly with her. You have 2 red flags...her not respecting your wishes and how she goes to her father's, such as if she dissuades you from going, combined with previous romance and easy access.

This doesn't mean something IS going on, it just means there's more probability. You need to read up on here. Pretend like everything is fine and start doing surveillance. VAR in her car. Monitor phone, emails, chats. You CAN'T let her know you're monitoring.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> You need to stop pursuing it directly with her. You have 2 red flags...her not respecting your wishes and how she goes to her father's, such as if she dissuades you from going, combined with previous romance and easy access.
> 
> This doesn't mean something IS going on, it just means there's more probability. You need to read up on here. Pretend like everything is fine and start doing surveillance. VAR in her car. Monitor phone, emails, chats. You CAN'T let her know you're monitoring.


She knows I'm monitoring.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BORN_SF said:


> She knows I'm monitoring.


How does she know? Did you tell her you placed a keylogger on the home computer? Have you installed a VAR in her car?

Okay, you're a man of few words. But it would really help if you would flesh out the situation a bit more. Does your wife visit your dad a lot? Does she come home really late at night from a visit to dad's? You don't know about phone messages - why not?

If she really knows everything you are doing in the way of monitoring her, she'll take this underground (assuming there is something going on). 

I can't read you, because you are giving the bare bones here. Now, as a rule (but I don't mean ALL the time), men and women who suspect an affair, or that something isn't quite right, will tend to over-explain. They need to vent. They want to get opinions. You may just not be a chatty guy. That's fine. But a few more details would help.

Bottom line: Do you suspect that something is really up?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

BORN_SF said:


> Is it ok for your wife to keep in touch with her ex if it makes you uncomfortable? And why wouldn't she stop after I expressed my feelings?


 It is not OK. She does not want to stop because she wants to keep him as an available option to you. Since being nice does not work, you must draw a line in the sand and be willing to act on it if she does call your bluff.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

I don't know if anything is up. 
I don't like it and that should be enough. I have password to mobile service so I can see all calls and text. I can't see Facebook messages however, and they are Facebook friends. She isn't out late but has a lot of free time during the day. She had wrist surgery and is on disability. It just sucks. 

She says they stayed friends after the break up and he was never inappropriate. Never flirted....... Yeah, whatever......... 
Five years or so later, we get married. I told her how I feel, and she has a problem ending the friendship. 

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT????? 
The **** is wrong. I'm the husband,spouse, significant other..... So what he keeps an eye on her dad. Her dad is fine. Only 60 something. Not in bad health...... Well, not where he needs somebody keeping an eye on him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hey, pal ... don't get p.o.'d at me ... as in, don't shoot the messenger. Take your anger and use it as a catalyst to do a 180 and tell your wife no dice with her ex-bf.

I agree, she's in the wrong here. So man up, tell her to dump the guy, or kick her to the curb. She doesn't respect you. You are very angry. Hey, I'm just some schlub out in cyberspace asking for more information. Jeesh!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wishes should be respected whether anything is going on or not. I have been there and have the divorce tshirt.


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Hey, pal ... don't get p.o.'d at me ... as in, don't shoot the messenger. Take your anger and use it as a catalyst to do a 180 and tell your wife no dice with her ex-bf.
> 
> I agree, she's in the wrong here. So man up, tell her to dump the guy, or kick her to the curb. She doesn't respect you. You are very angry. Hey, I'm just some schlub out in cyberspace asking for more information. Jeesh!


Not mad cyber buddy....... Not mad at all....... Sorry the caps made it look that why. Added for emphasis. 
But seriously, how much info do you need?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I apologize. All caps is generally regarded as anger in texting. 

Have you read any of the posts in the Coping with Infidelity forum? People sometimes just want to get into the details because they are so frustrated and at the end of their respective ropes. 

Maybe this is a hot-button topic for me because my estranged husband's ex-wife pulled something a bit similar to this. While MY husband was deployed to Iraq, I found out she was emailing my BIL & SIL to ask how hubs was doing. I didn't like that, but I let it slide.

The bomb for me was when the ex called hubs one Saturday morning to let him know she married her dear old "friend" (the one my husband suspected she was having an EA with years before). Then she proceeded to inform hubs that she was expecting her first child with her new hubby in a few months. And it was a boy.

HUH????????

No children resulted from my husband's marriage to this woman. I wanted to put my fist through the phone. So I understand if you are more than a little disturbed.

Okay. Thank you for allowing me to vent. The important thing here is, do YOU have a plan now that your wife has made it clear she doesn't want to give up the ex-bf?


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## BORN_SF (Jan 6, 2013)

I've been up since 3 this morning....... I've read every post on this site. Gonna take the dog to the dog park..... Be back in an hour or so. 

In regards to a plan......... Tell her I can't live like this. Didn't accuse her of anything. I'm not comfortable with relationship. That should be enough.


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