# Should I leave or deal with a lying cyberspace cheating husband?



## Angel2010

My husband recently purchased a new labtop. He purchased the labtop so that he and only he can log onto his labtop. He now feels he is FREE to surf any DRIED UP Porn website he can get his lowdown eyes glued too!! The reason he purchased the labtop is because in the past I have caught him on the family computer on hundreds of porn sites. He has contacts with ex-girl friends on facebook and all kind of other sites. I have tried to talk to him about this over and over, but he feels that if he's not physically touching these women, he is not cheating. When I know that he's been watching porn or chating and conversating with other woman, I do not want to even be in his presence let alone have sex with him. It has only been a year since we have been married. We have a new baby together, so it would be a big descision to leave him; however, I'm VERY angry about this purchase. I'm angry about the lies and hiding the porn and chats. He only does this when I'm away from home, but somehow he gets caught every time. He also continue to txt with his ex's and talk with them on the phone. He claim they are only friends. I need help BAD or it's a WRAP! Your Suggestions are welcomed.


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## Luvmybabe

I would not put up with this!!! Tell him how you feel and let him know whats going to happen if he does not stop this nonsense!! Hang in there and take up for yourself!


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## Lyn

Angel, my heart aches for you. My husband also hooked up with an old girlfriend on Facebook and it led to an affair. It's not even the sex, but the dishonesty and disregard for my feelings which has broken my heart.

We are working it out, but in your case, I might separate, legally, to give him a chance to live in his own pigstye and see how it is not worth it. You do have to draw lines on how you will allow yourself to be treated. Self-preservation.

Congratulations on the birth of your child. I am so sorry you have to endure this insulting behavior.

If interested, I have a blog about our situation.

Lyn

After His Affair


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## InnerGold

Does he want to change? He could be tired of the nagging, which he would say you were doing and decided to do this because he has tried to stop in the past but did not know how. 

Sexual addiction is tough but I have seen many marriages become more solid. The question though is, does he want to change? He may feel like a failure because he has tried to stop in the past but has been unsuccessful. Therefore, he does not think he can learn to deal with this addiction. Here is a video to help you better understand what is going on in his brain.

Please understand, I am not justifying or condoning his behavior but if he wants to change, he can!

Understand the Affects of Pornography on the Brain


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## Angel2010

THank you all for your responses and suggestions. I feel very hopeless in this situation. I truly feel in his mind he is not doing anything wrong. This has been our argument back and forth. I really thinks he believes he isn't doing anything wrong so it's like talking to a brick wall. He yells at me saying I have some really distrust issues. This is my second marriage and yes my first husband cheated, but that has nothing to do with his behavior. What kills me is his sneaking and lying about it. I can catch him red handed and he will still tell a ball mouth lie about it. I can show him proof from the cell phone bill about the texting back and fourth. He say's I'm being childish by looking at his phone records and going behind him on the computer. 

Innergold....I dont think he wants to change. I think he gets off on sneaking, watching porn, and talking and texting with new or old flings.


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## InnerGold

If he does not want to change, then you have to start asking and answering your own questions.

Do you want to deal with this? 
How much are you willing to put up with? If you are wanting to put up with it, why?
What do you see in this man?
What do you want him to be and what is he really?
If you stay with him, what do you expect your life with will be like? Are you willing to accept this?


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## bravo99

Angel2010

I'm so sorry, I really am. Our husbands are doing the same thing, except that yours is home and mine's on the road.

I think that puts you in a worse position.

I tried to explain to my husband that with the porn and chat he is cheating emotionally, he doesn't get it.

The people here have helped me SO much. 
Take in what they say; and journal...I've written about 50 pages. (lots of I hate him, mixed with whatever feelings)

Too bad we can't tie our porn freak, lying cheating ex-girlfriend hunting husband together and throw them in hole.

.....listen to the others not me....

But know I'm feeling for you sister and let them help you!

Good luck!


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## InnerGold

Porn distorts a person's morals, values and causes one to rationalize anything. Unfortunately, I know of some individuals that have ruined their children's lives because they kept watching more and more degrading and filthy junk.

Eventually they will pay the piper. Some have been busted in sting operations but unfortunately, very few.


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## Garry and Victoria

Hi Angel,

I can imagine it must be a really scary situation to be facing such a decision especially with a new baby. You are probably wanting a relationship that is supporting you and building a future together rather than something that could tear your family apart.

My wife and I struggled with similar issues. She wasn't sure if she wanted to put up with my porn use; I couldn't see the problem and didn't want to give it up. We talked and made a commitment to try to understand the underlying motivations for our feelings. It took us several years to work through it but we managed to come out of it with a connection stronger than we ever thought possible.

My porn use was actually motivated by a deep desire for intimacy coupled with a fear that I could be hurt if I really opened up in a relationship. Relationships can be scary. What if she did reject me? What if she died? What if I couldn't measure up to my responsibilities? 

For Victoria, porn was a constant reminder of the sexism and body image judgments she'd had to deal with her whole life. My attempts to hide my porn use made her more distrustful. She wanted our home to be a place for her to let down her guard and feel safe.

Porn was a quick fix for easing my feelings for a few moments. Of course, it actually made our situation worse. However, once we discovered the underlying motivations, I was able to more clearly see how porn wasn't serving me. And we could see what needs Victoria had that weren't getting met. 

It took some time to build the trust we both needed to find the strength in our relationship that could truly meet our needs. Being in a close relationship is still a little scary for me, but I was able to find the safety I needed to be more open with Victoria and no longer use porn as a temporary fix. She also found the safety she needed to rely on our relationship as a safe haven. 

As we began to discuss our experience with friends and acquaintances, it seemed that we had found a way to deal with the impact of porn unlike anything else out there. We decided to write a book and set up a website in the hopes it could be helpful to others. You can find the links on our profile page.

We hope you find the answers you and your family need.

Garry and Victoria


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## InnerGold

Gary, 

The difference is that you were willing to listen to your wife. Even though you did not want to give it up, you would talk and after talking, you listened. Very glad you were open and willing to listen. Without your willingness to listen, you would not have realized it was an issue.


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## Garry and Victoria

Actually at first I was not willing to listen; I didn't see that porn could be the problem and I didn't want to give it up. It was giving me something that I needed even though I couldn't say what it was. And, since I couldn't name it, I couldn't find any other way to get it. I'm guessing that Angel's husband and many, many others find themselves in the same position. 

What is important, and what we try to relate in our book, is that there is a way to reach someone even when they are seemingly unwilling to listen. Victoria had been studying a method of communication that emphasized empathy which is the desire to understand what a person is thinking and feeling. She also needed empathy but, because I couldn't give it to her at the time, she relied on her friends to get it.

For me, her empathy was a recognition that there was something important going on for me and that she truly wanted to understand and help me understand what it was. When I felt her acceptance that I was a good man dealing with something that I didn't know how to control, my heart began to thaw. It didn't mean that she would accept the situation indefinitely, but that she was willing to stay with me as long as I was really trying to understand what was going on.

I believe that most people will listen if given the empathy they need. For us it was a difficult process but well worth it. It did take a great effort from Victoria to stay with me under the circumstances. It also took a great effort for me to climb out from under the tons of social and media influences that promote objectification rather than connection. 

It all starts with empathy. It's a basic human virtue that seems almost foreign in our society. But it is the key to every successful relationship.


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## InnerGold

Thank you for clarifying your response. This makes more sense and gives more hope. Empathy is vital but their still needs to be a willing heart. Were you emotionally and verbally abusive?


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## Angel2010

Thank you Gary and Victoria for sharing your encouraging experience with me. I really needed to know we can over come these obstacle in our life. I was so angry with my husband that I e-mailed him all of your responses to him to let him know that these are people I do not know personally; however, they can relate and understand how I feel. Now when he read the responses, he advised that I failed to tell the entire story. I have a habit of drinking wine EVERY night. I drink the wine because it blocks out what he's doing and it helps me to relax after dealing with work, family, finances and the presures of everyday living. I KNOW my habit is just as bad as his and I realize this; however, I have stopped on the drop of a dime. During my pregancy is one example. When I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking immediately with no problems. I advised him that I have contacted EAP and I asked him if we can get help together. His response was I don't have a problem. 

InnerGold....you bring out great points to think about and consider. Thanks again.


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## InnerGold

Angel2010 said:


> I advised him that I have contacted EAP and I asked him if we can get help together. His response was I don't have a problem.


I am sorry to hear this. He is not ready or willing to change. Even if he does not have a problem, he should be willing to go to counseling because his loving wife would like to.

Unfortunately, sexual addiction issues are some of the worst addictions for convincing or guiding people to seek help.

Don't give up! You need to decide what you want and are willing to do. 

This may be as hard as trying to figure out what you wanted to be when you grew up.


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## Garry and Victoria

Dear Angel,

Thanks for the feedback. We appreciate knowing that we contributed to your life in some way. We also appreciate your openness regarding your drinking. Drinking wine or looking at porn in themselves are not problems. It’s how those actions affect us and the people around us that cause concern. When they become our only strategies to temporarily deal with needs that never really get resolved, they keep us stuck in stressful situations instead of finding the joy and freedom that life has to offer. 

When we were dealing with my porn habit, we found that it helped to change our perspectives. Rather than approaching it as a problem to be fixed, it helped to see it as an opportunity to understand ourselves and each other. We were in the grips of something powerful; my attraction to porn, Victoria’s reaction to it. It seemed to be a huge problem that was threatening our relationship. 

We tried different strategies, but what worked for us was taking the emphasis off trying to _change _things and put it on trying to _understand _things. What were the real motivations for my attraction to porn? What needs were not getting met for Victoria? We didn’t settle for the quick answers we found so often that provided no understanding. We were committed to trying our best and we found some good people who helped. 

Remember that every action is an attempt to meet some basic human needs. His looking at porn, your drinking wine, are strategies to try to meet certain needs; peace, intimacy, excitement, safety, or something else. Right now, those strategies may be the only way you think you can deal with your needs. But once you understand what your needs are in this situation, you will have more choice on how you go about meeting them. In our book and on our website we provide lists of the needs that may help you figure out what is really going on. See our profile for the link.

This is not a quick process. It took us years to get through it. What is important to remember is that you are both basically good people who care about each other and don’t really want your relationship to end. We hope that you also will someday look back on this period as a great learning experience that helped you grow into your full potential.

With our best wishes, Garry and Victoria


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## SimplyAmorous

Garry and Victoria said:


> As we began to discuss our experience with friends and acquaintances, it seemed that we had found a way to deal with the impact of porn unlike anything else out there. We decided to write a book and set up a website in the hopes it could be helpful to others. You can find the links on our profile page.
> 
> 
> Garry and Victoria


 Hey, I just wanted to say that I bought your book! I seen it recommeded with a link on another post oneday. Me & my husband openly watch porn together (now) , not always this way. I used to have a problem with it -used to post scriptures to the computer screen & he would just keep hiding. 

Now we have come to a completely different place, I love it just as much as him now -the softer stuff anyway. Give me Playgirl DVD's & it is all good. I wanted your book -out of *pure curiousity *to see HOW you resolved this -and if indeed the 2 of you now enjoy it together? >>>> The reviews did NOT give that answer away, so I bought it! And here you are! 

I am only on chapter 3 thus far, so I still do not have the answer, but it sounds like from your replys - the porn was given up? (For us , it has not hindered our intimacy at all, but probably enhanced it, I know everyone is different though). 

So nice to find you here in this random thread!


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## InnerGold

> Me & my husband openly watch porn together (now) , not always this way. I used to have a problem with it -used to post scriptures to the computer screen & he would just keep hiding.
> 
> Now we have come to a completely different place, I love it just as much as him now -the softer stuff anyway. Give me Playgirl DVD's & it is all good.


This is dangerous. I honestly hope it works out for you but we have yet to see a relationship last when porn is continuously used. Gordon, founder of InnerGold, is constantly providing therapy to couples who have allowed porn into their lives. The unfortunate result of one couple was that he was addicted and wanted her to just watch with him so they could enjoy it together. Now he is on the recovery and she (his wife) is having a real problem with it. She is constantly thinking about it and it is tremendously affecting her life and her children. Her little daughter saw mommy watching something and she did not realize it, until turning around. She does not know how long her daughter had been watching or what she saw but she knows it was not good. We don't know what kind of lasting affects the child will now be dealing with but this is when the wife recognized she really had a problem.

Pornography is destructive and very dangerous. I would be very careful and cautious, introducing this into any relationship.

I am not being judgmental of anyone that has introduced this into their marriage. I am just pointing out that it has been destructive to several couples that Gordon counsels.

On March 29th, Gordon will be answering this question on the InnerGold blog: *Is it Good Watching Pornography Together as a Couple? *Here is the link, if you would like to hear what he has to say. http://helpforpornaddicts.com Reminder, it will not be posted until the 29th that is when we will be shooting this.


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## SimplyAmorous

InnerGold said:


> Pornography is destructive and very dangerous. I would be very careful and cautious, introducing this into any relationship.
> 
> I am not being judgmental of anyone that has introduced this into their marriage. I am just pointing out that it has been destructive to several couples that Gordon counsels.



I understand your concern & in MOST cases I would heartily agree with you, as the majority of men masterbate to Porn on the computer (& replace their wives to some extent). This has NEVER EVER been an issue with us. If it was, I would definetly NOT be ok with it at all. 

We have been married 20 yrs & most would probably not believe this but My husband does NOT masterbate to any porn he looks at, he never did, he considers that cheating- his words, his conviction, not mine. I KNOW he is not lying to me because when he told me this, I was accually VERY upset . I know this sounds bizzare - but we had a heart to heart talk when my sex drive went through the roof & he could not "keep up with me" sexually (for the 1st time in our marraige) and I asked him in all honesty if he did this all the years when we only had sex once a week, and he told me NO- he felt like it was cheating. Although he admitted to be being very frustrated & why he was mean with the kids. I seriously wanted to hear YES --because it would have proved he indeed had a healthy normal sex drive -like most high testosterone men. (At this time he was being tested for Low Testosterone & he is LOW normal). Him saying NO plus his Lab results confimed to me that I have a "low drive" husband. (Not exactly what I wanted when I was wanting it like 3 times a day!!) 

I was happy to hear he was frustrated sexually for almost 20 yrs so I know his drive is adequate but then I felt alot of guilt for him being so "faithful" when I was not taking care of his needs -as I should have been. He is half to blame cause he never sat me down & talked about his needs, just suffered in silence.

Things are very very different now. We have been watching porn together for a year & a half and in all honesty , I think I enjoy it more than him, it was MY idea , one of the MANY to *spice up *our sex lives & it has been wonderful (we both like soft stuff -nothing hard core, we enjoy Instructional DVD's also). At the begining of all of this, we were having sex about 3 times a week, now our intimacy averages 6 times a week. 

He even prefers the dvd be shut off before we make love, sometimes the sounds on the TV distract him, so he is totally INTO ME when we make love. He is a wonderful husband. I am blessed. My heart does go out for any woman who is dealing with a man who using this above them though >>> THAT definetly *IS* destructive. 

I understand if you have religious convictions, you will never in a million years agree with me or dare understand this, but for US, it has been a GOOD thing. All I can do is share MY/our story, which I only posted because I seen the authors of the Book I recently bought "Love & Pornography". I realize my situation is not anywhere near what the Original poster of this thread needs to hear. Her husband needs help. 

Here is an interesting article that I believe has some truth to it -again only *IF* your husband is a faithful loving man who waits for his wife & possibly teetering near Low Testosterone levels (like mine). 


What Fixes Low Testosterone Best: Meds or Porn? - Newsweek.com


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## DontWannaLeaveHim

RUN NOW! If its like this in the 1st year it is only gonna get worse unless he (maybe u also) gets into some counseling NOW! if already is sneaking and lying and not taking responsibility for his mistakes it isnt gonna stop and its only gonna get worse. i am dealing w/ the same thing w/ my husband only it isnt girls its drugs and/or alcohol. if u r hurting and he cant understand why then he isnt worth it, leave now before the baby gets older which makes it harder to leave "daddy" and you invest more of your time, love, and self into him. i know from experience! i wish i would have left 2 and a half years ago instead of giving chances and chances because things get better for a while then go back to the same. now i cant seem to bring myself to leave and i hate to think of other woman dealing with the same kind of lying, sneaky *******s and feeling the same emotional pain and heart break. Good luck!


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## bravo99

Angel
Find a COSA group in your area if you can. I got mine from our threapist, but before I went to a meeting looked them up online; signed up and have support at home online, phone or at meetings.
I'm not the kind of person that would EVER go to something like that alone and I've gone twice, can't wait to go again. A room full of anonymous people that understand and care with no judgement. It's a variance of being online here.
There is no cross discussion just understanding. Adding the personal touch of people that get it is great. It really can help you.
Look up SAA too; maybe it can help you gain more understanding.
Good luck girl.


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## Angel2010

Wow...your words of encouragement are priceless. Thank you again for the ensite and I will be looking up your book and website. Now my only task is to get my husband to just read your comments. If he would only do that, this would be one step and for that I would be forever grateful. Thank you again and may God continue to keep you both.


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## nurse1

if you really feel he doesn't want to change, maybe its time for the next step. if you leave for a while he will either decide to change or decide he's happier alone (im sorry to say that, I know it sounds aweful) but then you would know what your next step should be


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## puzzled

am in the same boat hunny! I have put up with the porn sites for years but the phone sex just hurts me, to me its like an affair. I confronted him last week, i wept and shouted about how disscusted i was with him. His responce was one of shock, he did not know what to do and did not say anything. 
i thought i had said my piece, that he understood how i felt.
now one week on i have come home from work to find him high on drugs watching porn and to top it off he was using my mobile phone! 
i cant deal with this and dont know if i have the strenth to talk to him, its easier just to ignore.


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## Bryant31

Don't let your common sense be blocked by your emotions. If you normally don't put up with BS, because you have feelings, does not mean you now need to have tolerance for it.


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