# More porn related problems...



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Hello tam village, 

I'm confused and need some help. I don't know what to do and feel like I don't even know what to think. Thanks for your time. 

I've posted before about the main issue, and seemingly at the moment the only negative issue in my marriage; Pornography. Or my wifes belief that I want to look at it and think about it all the time. Oh and not just porn either, anything revealing at all. Like swimsuit stuff, lingere stuff. Its the same as porn. I feel like finding other women attractive is wrong. I feel like I cannot even acknowledge a beautiful woman's existece.

Basic story is I looked at it, wife found out, said I wouldn't and years latter I did again. And mind you I never once choose porn over my wife, it was almost like stress release while things weren't going great in our marriage. But I lied and even assured my wife I wasn't looking at porn and indeed was and she found out, wanted a divorce and we were split us for about two weeks. 

We got back together and ever since it's been back and forth between extreemly great and almost getting divorced because she thinks I'm lokoing at porn and feels like she cannot trust me anymore. I assure her that I'm not and things go back to great for a week or two. Then again, I took to long at the grocery store or took to long in the bath room and I must have been wacking to porn... 

Now I haven't looked at porn in two years and she constantly tells me that I need it and I still want it and all that. This last time she was convinced I want to look at porn and I told her I don't want to look at it that I'm done hiding. And she said something that I don't understand. She said she knows deep inside if it weren't for her that I'd look at porn and based on that I want it and she doesn't want to keep me from what I want. That she doesn't want to keep me from what I want to do, look at porn, but cannot be married to someone that "has to" or wants to look at it. I was taken aback. I couldn't understand this. 

I thought to myself, well yeah most likely, but if I wasn't her husband wouldn't she most likely find someone else and by her logic wouldn't that mean she wants other guys? I asked her this and she said of course it's not the same thing. huh? I don't get it.

It's not enough that I don't look at porn, though it may cross my mind once in a while, she wants me to not ever, ever want it.

Now i'm just lost, I'm like not even sure if finding other women attractive is normal or if I'm somehow breaking the rules of marriage. God I'm going crazy. Like at the check out at grocery stores if there happens to be a mag with a chick in a bikini and I notice, or it happens to catch my eye, I am a man after all, and my wife notices she'll want a divorce saying I want other people so go ahead and leave. 

I love my wife dearly but I'm going nuts. And it's not like she never notices any guys. At the store once we were walking around and I forgot something in the car, I told her i'd be right back, I walked away and half way there realized she had my keys, so I went back and was walking up to her, now the sun was to my back and I guess she couldn't make out my face and when I walk up to her she was like oh I wasn't expecting you back so fast, she told me when she saw me she thought to herself "oh my, who's that?" and obviously was checking me out only to realize it as me. At first I was happy she still finds me so attractive but then started thinking, hey she thought she was checking someone else out! if I told her anything like that she'd want a divorce. Am I just rambleing?

Is it normal for a chick to "pretend " to bump into her husbands groin to see if he has an erection from the bikini covered tabloids inline to buy grocerys? Seriously. I love my wife and want to spend every day of mylife with her but this kind of stuff is making me crazy. Oh and not MC. They might tell her that her husbands mind is not her property, and some porn might be ok. That's what her sisters MC said. So forget the MC idea, even though there are some who believe porn is not benificial. Whatever, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. 

Here's another weird thing, once not too close but mutual friends of ours were getting married and then split up, I was talking to the to be groom and my wife later joined the discussion. The bride did not trust the groom in regards to other women. my wife was saying that we women can be like that, like even with "IAMCIV" he's never done anything I'd leave him for and I still don't trust him at times. This was after the first porn thing. I was like WTF. What was all the divorce talk? Then when she found out again, years later, she wanted a divorce... I dont get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

I will say this, when my wife is sure that I want no one else our sex life is amazing like off the wall. I like that. And all I want is her, but just because I might think a chick is hot doesn't mean my wife isn't the only one I want right? I know my wife wants me to only want her, and I do but isn't this a little much?

Thanks for your time.


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

A) She's a froot loop. 
B) Don't try to figure out female logic.
C) Even if you win, you'll lose.


----------



## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

These are your wife's issues, not yours. She's over the top with her insecurity. I don't think this problem has anything to do with porn anymore. That was a separate issue. Now she's just insecure about you finding any woman the least bit attractive.

Unless you're blind, every person, man or woman will notice an attractive person. It's human nature. 

The only thing I don't like my husband doing is staring and turning his neck to follow an attractive woman while I'm standing there with him. What goes through his private thoughts is his business. That's why they're called PRIVATE thoughts. What I don't know won't hurt me. LOL


----------



## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Also, noticing attractive people is a good thing. It means you have a pulse, and aren't dead yet...:smthumbup:


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I would ask her to get counselling. She is paranoid and delusional and it your duty as a spouse to do everything you can to be in good working order mentally.

As I have said before most (ha,ha bubbly girl) men use porn regularly. So even if you were using porn that wouldn't be outside the norm. She needs to get herself under control.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

The porn is just a catalyst for the underlying issues in both of you - her insecurities and your willingness to withhold information or lie to her.

On your front, the only thing that you can do is continue to be open and honest and truthful. Just because you notice an attractive woman or magazines at the store doesn't mean you have to dwell on them, or swivel your head to look at them.

And, are you guys in any kind of MC? Because the issues may need more professional help to resolve.

Best wishes.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> The porn is just a catalyst for the underlying issues in both of you - her insecurities and your willingness to withhold information or lie to her.
> 
> On your front, the only thing that you can do is continue to be open and honest and truthful. Just because you notice an attractive woman or magazines at the store doesn't mean you have to dwell on them, or swivel your head to look at them.
> 
> ...


Where did I say I dwell on them or "swivel" my head to look at anything? If there's something to which she might think I would find attractive, anywhere in an area and I happen to look in that direction, even if I didn't see or notice said attractive woman/picture she will assume I was looking at it and then say eventually, even if it's not right at that moment that it's obvious I want other woman, so lets get divorced. 

Once I was going to back the car out of a parking spot and looking behind me, (where else should I be looking when going in reverse?) and I guess an attractive woman passed by, I just saw a blur, and I was making sure whatever it was, was not behind me when I started moving backward, and she thought I was looking at "her" I had no I idea anything of that sort happend. All of a sudden she's acting cold and distant and later that night, divorce talk. I didn't even see anything at all let alone stare at anything. 

I was just saying if I notice something, like it catches my eye and I look away, that's enough. If I gawked or "swiveled" my head, it'd probably be over. Oh and no MC, I posted about her disagreement with her sister's MC who stated the some porn use is ok and she doesn't have a right to her husbands thoughts. So no MC even though I suggested it. Even though I said not all MC's would say that. Either way its not happening.

Once she wanted a divorce because I repeated a joke a pastor said over the pulpit! About how a sin ins't the first look, it's the second, so make sure to make the first look really long. She got upset and wanted a divorce. Seriously.

This is what she tells me: That she understands most men use porn, she says all, I tell her not all, but regardless, most men use porn. She says I am a man so eventually I will look at porn. The odds are against me. She knows I will look at porn again, so why does it matter. Lets end it now. 

So I say well if you know all men use porn, whomever you date/see after me will obviously look at porn too so what's the difference. She'll say two things, 1) it's different because it won't be a commited relationship most likely because she can't be in a commited relationship with someone who needs porn and 2) I'm defending my hidden desire to look at porn. 

I love my wife. She is an amazing person, when things are good they're really good, but this one thing is making me crazy.

Her brother and sister both told me her behavior is crazy and would support me if I decided to leave. I have no intentions of that, at all, she's my dream come true but how can any one live happily being threatened with divorce all the time?

I also tell her that it hurts me, that she can bring up divorce so easily and act like being seperated from me would be nothing to her. She's says it would be the end of her happiness but she cannot live with a husband who needs porn.

I tell her I don't need it and she says well I know you will eventually.

It's a huge circle and I see no way out of these thinking patterens.

Thanks for your replies and thoughts.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Diolay said:


> A) She's a froot loop.
> B) Don't try to figure out female logic.
> C) Even if you win, you'll lose.


Why do you even deal with this madness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Any woman who plays the "divorce card" for any reason like that is asking for her bluff to be called.

You didn't talk about the rest of your marriage. Do you get along otherwise? Do you have a satisfying sex life all the time or does porn become an issue when there is less sex?

And did porn interfere with intimacy with your wife? Did you choose porn over actual sex with her or were you looking at porn as a substitute for lack of sex?

You need to call her bluff on this and if she's ready to actually divorce you, there's more issues in your marriage than just porn.


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Sounds like one of 2 things - (1) she's so insecure that, for lack of better term, she's a fruit loop, or (2) she really wants a divorce and is constantly looking for a reason to assuage her own guilt over this. Good luck to her if you do divorce finding a single man that does not look at porn, other women, or backward while backing out of a parking spot.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Your wife doesn't understand male sexuality at all and is bordering on obsessive behaviour. Aside from anything else, for her to expect perfection from you is just setting you both up for failure. Maybe part of her wants you to fail? She sounds like she has abandonment issues and is afraid that she'll lose you.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

There is something much deeper going on here...your wife needs some serious psychological counseling. Or maybe she just really wants a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Why do you even deal with this madness?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because I love her, she's my wife, my life. All that matters to me is her. I'm just trying to figure out a way to deal with all this.


----------



## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

She sounds so afraid and insecure, it's a fear of losing you, i bet she needs constant reassurance.

You need counselling to deal with her demons otherwise it's a constant battle of insecurity, have a real frank discussion, try your best to explain how you feel about her, she needs to feel special.

Would she watch porn on her own, she needs to watch quite a bit, slowly she may realise there is nothing to worry about, as porn is so faked.

Does she feel sexually attractive, does she notice other attractive men and do they notice her.

I am female i watch porn and my estranged husband was disgusted at me, he is insecure also, i told him yes sometimes there are attractive people in porn, but i am not turned on by the certain individual, just the sexual acts. So it could be anyone and they are not special to me.

Yes we all like to look at beautiful things it's in our nature, i bet she looks at other men, less she has no pulse, i think women are just as visual as men but some don't like to admit as much. 

I feel for your nightmare you must be going through.


----------



## married woman (May 4, 2011)

Okay...I have been where your wife is. No I am not crazy or a fruit loop and I am pretty sure she isn't either. I am going to try and explain what she is feeling.
I am betting that you hid the porn and she had no idea that you were secretly jerking off to porn whenever the opportunity arose. She discovered it one day and it pulled the rug out from under her. She thought you were coming to her for your needs but instead has discovered that you had another sexual outlet. It has made her start wondering what else you are hiding and if you even find her attractive or are using the porn to satisfy some need that you can't get met with her. 
I have been in her shoes and it is rough. She, herself, probably thinks she is crazy for the thoughts that go through her head. I know in my case I thought I was losing it. I can relate to all of this...the magazines in the grocery isle, the hot waitress at a restaurant, the sexy actress in a movie or tv show. It all bothered me to the point where I would shut down and become cold just like it seems your wife does.
It has taken a long time to get past it and some days I am not fully there. My husband and I had the best relationship....he is an honest man and a great father which I think made the fact that he had been jerking off to porn our entire 10 year marriage even harder to accept. I think it would have been easier if he wasn't such a great person and we didn't have such a solid marriage. I think if things were rocky, then I wouldn't have reacted so intensely. 
The porn discovery definitely made me insecure in a number of ways. I am sure it made me insecure about my body but it mostly made me insecure about my relationship with my husband and how he truly felt about me.
It has been 2 and half years since I discovered the porn. We struggled through it the first year and then started marital counseling at that point. We are much better now but I think the MC is important because we had become stuck in a cycle where he didn't understand my feelings nor did I his.
All of the divorce talk happened in my house too. I think it was my way of having some control over the situation and protecting myself. Maybe it was even a way to try and hurt my husband like I had been hurt. Maybe your wife is using it the same way. I am guessing it is a protective mechanism.
My husband stopped viewing porn as well. It didn't really help the situation though because I felt like I was keeping him from doning something he really wanted to do. 
The main advice I can give you is communication. Completely open up to her about why you viewed it. Force her to tell you how it makes her feel so you can try and see where she is coming from.
I have learned a whole lot about male sexuality during all of this and it has definitely helped. You can get through it with communication. 
And I want to be clear that I am not a prude...really don't have an issue with porn either. I think the 10 years of secrecy was the worst part for me.


----------



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

marriedwoman - I agree and can totally relate to your post. I have had the same type of history as you have.

I think maybe we haven't heard the entire storey from IAMCIV. There may be more than we know.

My husband also replaced our intimacy with porn for years until I found out after he had been going for erotic massages and all the truth came out. I thought he had ED - ha, was I wrong.

I always watch what he's looking at these days and he knows it and is trying to be respectful and not gawk at women. He lost his freedom to look by the activies he was involved in. I never cared before because I figured all men looked and it wasn't a problem, but who would have known about his secret life.

He's being watched for life now, or as long as we are together - married 30 years. 

Men don't realize how this all affects their wives and should be more respectful.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Cloudwithleggs, yes she needs constant reassurance. Even to the point of saying I don't find her attractive or love her anymore if we go more than three days with out sex. Sometimes it feels like she needs me to show her how much I want her or she thinks i don't want her at all. 

My wife is drop dead gorgeous, not just saying that to me she is, she is. She's noticed by people all the time, male and female and yes, I know she notices other guys too. 

I know she's watched porn in the past, and I didn't stop her, she said she did it to get back at me but didn't really want to be watching it. She said she had thought about us watching soft porn together but just can't now. And that's not something I'm even interested in. 

We've talked in the past about why i looked at porn, it wasn't because I didn't think she was attractive on the contrary, I would often say to myself that I'm so lucky, my wife is more attractive than these women in this pics or this movie. Our communiction lines were down, i'm guessing because of the first porn thing, she was not completely comfortable having sex. Like she wanted it and we had sex but it was often sorta restrained, if that's the right word. I felt like I couldn't ask for anything, like wear this or i'd like you to do that. I did whatever she wanted and had to be content with that. When I did ask for something, like oh wear this bra, or would you like to touch me here, she'd get all weird and seem really uncomfortable and then say she wants a divorce sometime after. She'd say I didn't love her for her and that i wanted something different so we sould not be together. And at times she seemed like she didn't want me to look at her, like she didn't show herself off to me and that's all I wanted. So when I looked at porn, I was looking at women who liked or seemingly enjoyed showing their bodies off. It was more that then anything. And all I wanted was my wife to do that for me. 

But it was my fault she didn't in the first place right? I created this mess too. I didn't know how to fix it. Any talk like, hey, we need to work on our sex life, she'd say oh your not happy, leave then. She's so emotional. But I value her thought and eomtions because they are a part of her.

She knows she's hot, and she knows she can get just about any guy she wants, and she says she wants me. That's what keeps me sane, I guess knowing that deep inside she really wants to make it work and even though she threatens divorce she's just hurt. I try to look at it like that, but at times it feels like there's no hope. how do I make her see all I want is her. I mean after two years she still thinks every thought I have is porn, but honestly I'm getting tired of hearing that word.

Our marriage in every other aspect is great, we are like two peas in a pod. She's my life and I'm hers, just this one area messes things up. I've tried telling her why I looked and she just hears what she wants. It's like I'm talking to a wall sometimes.

married woman, thank you for your point of view. Now how do we get better from here knowing that she is, in her words, 99% certain we will have to get divorced because I will look at porn again and hanging on to the 1%?


----------



## married woman (May 4, 2011)

It sounds like she was a little sexually repressed as I can relate to being as well at one time. One good thing for me that came out of the porn situation is that we became more open with each other about our sexual wants, needs, and preferences. 
When we first starting seeing a counselor, I was so emotional and angry blaming our issues on the fact that he had watched porn. The counselor kept telling me that I was upset about other things besides just the porn. I couldn't see it then but I can now. I think it just takes time. Now I realize that I was angry because our sex life wasn't great and instead of trying to change things he turned to porn. I was angry that he wasn't coming to me. I was angry because he was passive. He saw it as him being respectful of me and not harassing me for sex. I think learning the differences between female and male sexuality is important to. 
I was truly naive about male sexuality I fully admit.


----------



## married woman (May 4, 2011)

In regards to her worrying you will watch it again someday...I don't know. I mean her concern is legitimate. I think she has to get to a point where she trusts that you are coming to her first and that you are sexually fulfilled by her. I think porn can cause insecurity in women in regards to how good their sex life is with their spouse. Reassurance and complimenting her often can help. My husband has said he won't look at it again and I am fairly certain he hasn't in 2 and a half years. I also think if I discovered right now that he is doing it again, I wouldn't be bothered really or at least as much as before except for the fact that he broke a promise. I am no longer threatened by porn because I see it for what it is and she is going to have to get there before she fully can move forward.
We are even starting to watch some soft porn together....we have come a long way since I used to not be able to watch a normal television show with him because I was so convinced he was sitting next to me thinking how hot the girls were in the show. Seems silly now but it was very real and painful then.


----------



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

married woman said:


> In regards to her worrying you will watch it again someday...I don't know. I mean her concern is legitimate. I think she has to get to a point where she trusts that you are coming to her first and that you are sexually fulfilled by her. I think porn can cause insecurity in women in regards to how good their sex life is with their spouse. Reassurance and complimenting her often can help.


This is the thing that we are hanging on, that she completely fulfills me. And she does. I have no desire to be with anyone else at all. I want everything form her. It's just at the begining we didn't know how to communicate things to each other. I was too afraid she'd start saying divorce and she was too emotional to talk rationally about the issues. So I guess we both pretended this problem didn't exist. 

But see here in lies another issue, if I think another woman is attractive, it doesn't mean I want to sleep with her, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be turned on by her doing things that are sexual in nature. (for example the behavior of a woman in certain commercials (beer or whatever) is set up to be sexy, I don't think to myself I want to sleep with these woman, but it's not like I'm replused by them either) So then I think that balance is lost. My wife thinks that since I can be turned on by another woman, I must want other women, so lets get divorced. I'm so cunfused. I don't want anyone else, tell her everyday that she's my everything. I 

She wants to be my all and she is my all, she just doesn't see it. Maybe with time? I don't know what to do.


----------

