# Partner's mother is extremely dependent on him. Is that bad?



## coffeegirl (Mar 16, 2021)

Hi there, I'm new here, so please bear with me 
I have a question regarding my partner and his mother. For context, we've been together about 8 years.

About 2 years ago, his parents split up after 23 years of marriage. It was his dad's decision, and she had and is still having a very hard time with it. I don't blame her at all for being upset, her husband was her first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything. To say this has been a difficult adjustment is an understatement.
Throughout their marriage, my partner's dad basically did everything for her. Took car of her car, did yard work, house work, etc. She was very dependent on him for all of these different things and since he left, she's been having a lot of trouble doing this on her own, which makes a lot of sense considering she had someone to do it for her for so long!

Since he left, she's shifted a lot of those responsibilities onto my partner and now he feels obligated to go over to take care of things for her. He'll run errands for her, take her car into the shop, make phone calls for her, assemble the things that she's bought, etc. He has a heart of pure gold but I can see how it stresses him out sometimes--he has his own responsibilities to take care of. He also has an older brother, and as far as I know she doesn't reach out to him for the same kind of help.

This bothers me, but what bothers me the most is the emotional labor she puts onto him and his brother as well. She has yet to look for a therapist, which she very much needs in order to deal with the loss of her marriage. Instead, she will call my partner and/or his brother crying, saying horrible things about their father, saying irrational things, and even once threatened to hurt herself (that was a whole thing that I don't feel comfortable talking about on a forum)
Several times when we've come over for dinner, she's had a few too many and ended up crying about the divorce and spewing hateful vitriol about my partner's father right in front of him. 
The other day I was extremely sick and awaiting COVID test results and he told me he was going to go over to his mom's house because she called him saying she wasn't doing well--I had to reason with him because that wouldn't have been a safe call for anyone's health. 

She expects to see him and his brother quite often, and gets upset when they go even two weeks without seeing each other. I know it's different for everyone, but I personally don't see my parents every month even and don't really know anyone else our age who sees their parents all the time. (they live the same distance away as his mother does, about 30 minutes, but we're all very busy and have other obligations to take care of as well--we still keep in touch daily, but don't see each other in-person very often) We're also trying to keep exposure down and be as responsible as possible, but she will still go visit his brother and brother's girlfriend even when one of them is feeling sick.

She depends on her sons SO much for her emotional well-being, because she never got the opportunity to learn to care for herself.

I do think that grown children should be there for their parents in times of need, but there is a line between helping someone and having that person be completely emotionally dependent on you. 

My partner agrees and has said himself that her increase in expectations and attachment are unhealthy, and that she needs help, but is having a hard time bringing this up with her.

I guess my question(s) is/are:
-Is it unreasonable to feel that her expectations/dependency is unhealthy?
-How can I help my partner set healthy, reasonable boundaries while still showing support to his mother?

Thanks 😊


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

coffeegirl said:


> -Is it unreasonable to feel that her expectations/dependency is unhealthy?
> -How can I help my partner set healthy, reasonable boundaries while still showing support to his mother?


Unreasonable, nope. In my opinion it is bad for everyone involved.

Easiest way is to replace time with money. I did this with my wife and MIL before she passed. As much as demands were made on my wife’s time that did not require her specifically I would hire someone else to do it. She would get pissed usually when I did this or suggested it but occasionally she would be happy with the results and it helped to keep me from resenting my MIL as much as I felt she was taking advantage of my wife.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You can’t really help your partner either by doing things for him or advising him, that will just cause a rift between you. He’s got to be the one to make those decisions, just be a kind ear. He will tire of it eventually, it would be so hard for him to draw that line, but he’ll do this himself. 

He’s got his own guilt and reasons and you don’t want him to throw it back at you years later ‘you made me do this’. It is his mother after all, just be there for him, and also take care of you. You can find ways to be supportive but small ways to also protect yourself emotionally.

Family situations like this are so difficult, we all have these things to deal with where in-laws are concerned and it’s hard for you. You don’t want to be unsupportive but you also don’t want to be giving advice and telling him how to go about it. It’s a lose-lose situation and he’ll eventually work it out. 

Why did the father leave her in the end btw? And why did he control everything to the point she was so dependent on him?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you ever had plans changed because of his mother? Important plans, at the last minute? I would express my disappointment but not get into an argument. If he continues to do it, just fade into the back ground. Some MILs do this. It would be nice if you and she got along. Unfortunately, my first MIL would compete with me for friends. He and I were already married when I discovered my MIL's penchant. You could try to engage her more and see how well accepts it. Try to get her to work within certain boundaries like not asking for things at the last minute.


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## coffeegirl (Mar 16, 2021)

Why did the father leave her in the end btw? And why did he control everything to the point she was so dependent on him?
[/QUOTE]
Those are really great points, thank you for the input 💛
He was losing interest in her and I think he was waiting for both of the children to be out of the house for a while before leaving, maybe because he wanted to be a family still while they were growing up/graduating/etc. He's a pretty manic guy who likes to do and try new things all the time and make impulsive decisions, and she tends to be very quiet and introverted and deals with depression. The split wasn't a huge surprise to any of us but her. 😔
I don't know if he saw himself as being "controlling" but he really liked helping her with those things, partially because it may have become a habit after being together so long, or maybe because she asked him to and he never got around to setting those boundaries himself before finally leaving.


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## coffeegirl (Mar 16, 2021)

NextTimeAround said:


> Have you ever had plans changed because of his mother? Important plans, at the last minute? I would express my disappointment but not get into an argument. If he continues to do it, just fade into the back ground. Some MILs do this. It would be nice if you and she got along. Unfortunately, my first MIL would compete with me for friends. He and I were already married when I discovered my MIL's penchant. You could try to engage her more and see how well accepts it. Try to get her to work within certain boundaries like not asking for things at the last minute.


We've had plans change, like plans for us to do things together or with friends, but nothing that was super important/necessary. But still, spending time together and with our friends are important parts of our mental health, too. 
You have really good advice, thank you  That is definitely my plan...thankfully, she and I do get along fine (i'm not the confrontational type with these sorts of relationships) and I definitely intend to keep it that way


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old is she?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

coffeegirl said:


> Hi there, I'm new here, so please bear with me
> I have a question regarding my partner and his mother. For context, we've been together about 8 years.
> 
> About 2 years ago, his parents split up after 23 years of marriage. It was his dad's decision, and she had and is still having a very hard time with it. I don't blame her at all for being upset, her husband was her first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything. To say this has been a difficult adjustment is an understatement.
> ...


When my father passed away my mother became very clingy like your partners mother. Basically same situation she had never had to take care of certain things, cars, house fixes, some financial things etc. What I did was I helped her do these things, I didn't do them for her. I went with her to get her car serviced, I didn't just take it myself. My thinking was if she got comfortable doing these things she would be comfortable doing them on her own. I still lend a hand in a similar way when needed but she doesn't need it often. You could talk to your partner about how he would be helping her better if he helped teach her to do for herself. 

It sounds like his mom may also be lonely and the need for help is more a need for attention and company. She needs to get some friends and hobbies.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I meant to ask as well, were these behaviours present in the marriage? For example threatening to harm herself, emotional manipulation etc? 

I understand she had depression etc but did she seek treatment or was she expecting the husband to fix this? Did they work together as a team? 

For instance, I was very unwell mentally after the birth of one of my children, but never threatened to harm myself or expected anyone to ‘get help’ for me if that makes sense. I was very clear and up front with my husband, friends and family about how I was feeling, what I was finding difficult and what I needed. 

But I made the appointments, followed the treatments and was very open ‘today’s a day where I’m not functioning and I might need another person with me to drive to the psych appt’ or ‘I’m too anxious and not functioning so I can’t go to this event with you & I might also be scared to be left alone so I might get panicky and check in with you’. ‘Not coping having an attack need another adult with me so kids don’t see me distressed’ 

All of these plans were put in place by my team because I was so concerned that I would burden everyone around me, but I was also too sick to function and did need help with basic functions and being able to get through the day. I was never reliant emotionally on anyone, though of course it had an impact on my family. Basically what I’m trying to say is she taking any responsibility to get any help for herself and spread the load and THEN call on your husband?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I hope you are feeling better. You were absolutely right to keep your husband away from his mom until your Covid test came back. 

Why not befriend your mother-in-law? You know why she is unhappy & lost. Instead of bemoaning her monopoly on your husband & expecting him to set boundaries go over there & in a friendly manner start teaching her all the things she didn't learn in the 23 years she was dependent on her husband. Search the internet with her to select a therapist. Hold her hand while she calls to set up an appointment. Teach her to do on line banking or on-line bill pay 

Suggesting to your husband that you guys pay somebody to help her is a great plan. Hire somebody to cut her grass & get her a trustworthy handiman she can call. 

What she really needs are friends & a social life, not easy to come by in a pandemic so cut her a bit of a break until the world re-opens. Then perhaps help her get a PT or FT job. Suggest she join a club. Have her look into the Red Hat society. It's a group of 50+ year old women who socialize. If she's over 60, get her signed up for the local seniors. Once she replaces her EX-H with other activities & interests, she will be less dependent on her sons.


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