# Why do I always shut him out after sex?



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

My husband is great in bed. He always takes care and time, and watches for reactions, he knows exactly how to turn me on and make me go crazy. He always gives me multiple orgasms without fail. After having sex I'm guessing due to oxytocin levels I feel so emotionally connected to him, all day the day after I crave him, need him and just feel so loved, but when he comes home, and doesn't meet my emotional needs, like asking me how my day was? Or just wanting to sit eat, or watch a movie, I feel neglected that I tell myself to shut the sex out and I won't feel like that.

It's so hard as I have 3 severely autistic children he works nights from 5pm until 2am I'm up by 7am and all alone with my 3 children, he wakes up 3pm I see him for about an hour and he goes to work.

I've always been an old fashioned wife, so I love cooking for him, not demanding to much, making sure there's a cuppa ready before he goes to work. I even stay up until 2am just to see him, and I'm always ready for him sexually. 

At home I'm so lonely because I can't go out with my children. I have no conversations with anyone as my children don't speak, my heart hurts that the only person that I have that can communicate with me is never there, and when he is it's just mindblowing sex, left with me having to hate him even more the next day.

I just feel as though if I cut the sex out I'll feel less neglected as I wouldnt feel so emotionally connected to him, as I feel more hurt the day after we have a sex session.

I always speak to him about how I feel but he doesn't get it. It's like the other day on his day off it took my 2 hours to get all 3 asleep and I arranged to watch a movie and jus cuddle and conversate. Just as I came back down he was going out as his friend who was lonely and bored. I felt very hurt inside. I just don't know what to do. I sometimes think I'm better off on my own with my children, as least I won't have this feeling of hurt inside me.

Feeling lonely and very sad.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Honestly, to me it sounds like your issue is more that you need some kind of break from your 3 special needs children (I know you love them!), and less of an issue of you needing less sex from your husband. Have you looked into any kind of respite care? You sound really over-loaded with your children and their needs .


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is this post for real?!

Why would you hate "mind blowing" sex with your husband?! Most people here would kill to be in your shoes. Unless you feel demoralized when it's over.

Whatever the problem, you need serious help from your kids' docs, United Way, National Autistic Society, etc.

What is the root of the disconnect between you and your husband? He sounds like an a$$.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like after sex is the only time you feel connected to him. You are sad, angry and upset that he isn't helping you out with your children. I don't blame you, I would feel that way too if I was in your position. Have you told him that you want him to help out more taking care of your children? Are there any other family members that can help you? He needs to help you more. Maybe you ought to be more demanding. Even though the sex is great if he keeps acting like this you are going to get more resentful and not be too eager to have sex with him.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm not sure about this. But anyhooo Have you met with a social worker? I believe you have access to services for special needs children. A social worker can do the leg work to see what is available. Also, research organizations for special needs children. They can also point you in the right direction. Usually a doctor's order is needed to get an evaluation by a social worker. 

Another thing that might help you. What time do your children get up in the morning? Try sleeping until they get up in the morning most of the time and see your husband off just before he leaves. Don't wait for him every night. It's no wonder you are tired, you are getting 4 hrs sleep. Wait up one night a week and spend the w/e or when ever he is off work together. No family that can take one child each while you go out once in a while? 

Not going to say anything about your husband going out. I blame you 50% if you have not communicated you need clearly and specifically with him. Being silent is not being a good wife. The way you feel about sex is in your control. If you want something tell him and tell him again very clearly. Tell him you need a team member and exactly what you want him to do. If he does not get it, have a temporary moratorium on sex and again make clear and concise request about your needs. If he can't meet your's, you can't keep meeting his because it makes you feel bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP... did you edit your first post?

I'm sure I took the term "mind-blowing sex" directly from your first post, but now I don't see it there.

Just wondering why you put a different spin on it... Your revised post changes everything.


----------



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

OP... did you edit your first post?<br />
<br />
I'm sure I took the term "mind-blowing sex" directly from your first post, but now I don't see it there.<br />
<br />
Just wondering why you put a different spin on it... Your revised post changes everything.<br/>

I think your referring to paragraph 4.


----------



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

I will get back on this but for now I'm going to snooze


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Damn - that was painful to read. 

Maybe your H needs to read it.....

I think you are awesome. 



ladysweet said:


> My husband is great in bed. He always takes care and time, and watches for reactions, he knows exactly how to turn me on and make me go crazy. He always gives me multiple orgasms without fail. After having sex I'm guessing due to oxytocin levels I feel so emotionally connected to him, all day the day after I crave him, need him and just feel so loved, but when he comes home, and doesn't meet my emotional needs, like asking me how my day was? Or just wanting to sit eat, or watch a movie, I feel neglected that I tell myself to shut the sex out and I won't feel like that.
> 
> It's so hard as I have 3 severely autistic children he works nights from 5pm until 2am I'm up by 7am and all alone with my 3 children, he wakes up 3pm I see him for about an hour and he goes to work.
> 
> ...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ladysweet said:


> My husband is great in bed. He always takes care and time, and watches for reactions, he knows exactly how to turn me on and make me go crazy. He always gives me multiple orgasms without fail. After having sex I'm guessing due to oxytocin levels I feel so emotionally connected to him, all day the day after I crave him, need him and just feel so loved, but when he comes home, and doesn't meet my emotional needs, like asking me how my day was? Or just wanting to sit eat, or watch a movie, I feel neglected that I tell myself to shut the sex out and I won't feel like that.


Keeping a distance between you and your H by shutting down sex won't end your disappointment, it will extend it. If you shut down sex, the distance will grow greater and more profound.





> It's so hard as I have 3 severely autistic children he works nights from 5pm until 2am I'm up by 7am and all alone with my 3 children, he wakes up 3pm I see him for about an hour and he goes to work.


This is the problem.

You have 3 nonverbal autistic children and a physically absent husband. This is a crazy schedule! The bottom line is that your mental health and indeed your marriage are unsustainable with this work schedule. Maybe if your kids were not special needs you and your H could survive this, but with all 3 being special needs, forget it. 

You H MUST get a schedule that allows him to be home with you and the kids when everyone is awake and sleeping when everyone else is sleeping. Assuming your kids attend school, he can sleep during their school hours but he needs to be "hands on deck" when they are home and awake. You cannot sustain this schedule of being alone, lonely, and without help!




> I've always been an old fashioned wife, so I love cooking for him, not demanding to much, making sure there's a cuppa ready before he goes to work. I even stay up until 2am just to see him, and I'm always ready for him sexually.
> 
> At home I'm so lonely because I can't go out with my children. I have no conversations with anyone as my children don't speak, my heart hurts that the only person that I have that can communicate with me is never there, and when he is it's just mindblowing sex, left with me having to hate him even more the next day.


You are building resentment because you are meeting all of your husbands needs, all of your children's needs and No One is meeting your needs. In time, you WILL lose your love for your H.

Speak up now, loud and firmly. This is unsustainable.



> I just feel as though if I cut the sex out I'll feel less neglected as I wouldnt feel so emotionally connected to him, as I feel more hurt the day after we have a sex session.
> 
> I always speak to him about how I feel but he doesn't get it. It's like the other day on his day off it took my 2 hours to get all 3 asleep and I arranged to watch a movie and jus cuddle and conversate. Just as I came back down he was going out as his friend who was lonely and bored. I felt very hurt inside. I just don't know what to do. I sometimes think I'm better off on my own with my children, as least I won't have this feeling of hurt inside me.
> 
> Feeling lonely and very sad.


Cutting out the sex won't do anything except expand the gulf you're feeling.

Get help with your kids.
Keep a sane schedule.
Tell your H he must spend enough time with you to help you keep your sanity. Explain that you will fall out of love if you don't feel loved. 
Get your H to keep a sane schedule in which he is home and available for you.


----------



## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

That is hard on you, your husband come home at 2am, properly stay up for another hr then sleep. Wakes up at 3pm, WOW, he sleep alot. Pretty much he does jack to help you out. What kind of a man dont go to bed say 3am, then wake up at say 10am then help out before going to work and at the same time interact with you.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MotoDude said:


> That is hard on you, your husband come home at 2am, properly stay up for another hr then sleep. Wakes up at 3pm, WOW, he sleep alot. Pretty much he does jack to help you out. What kind of a man dont go to bed say 3am, then wake up at say 10am then help out before going to work and at the same time interact with you.


:iagree:

Exactly!


----------



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the replies. 

After writing this message I decided I really need to talk to him so I did.

The problem I have is not being able to communicate my needs and letting it build up inside. 

When he came home that night and touched me I just burst out crying and lashing out like some mad women, I can't even express how numb I became when I started screaming/ crying incontrobally. 

My husband said every time he tries to help in the morning or afternoon, I'm always tell him he's getting everything off routine and making things worse.

He said he cares dearly about me and the kids, that's the reason he stays and fights for is to work out.

He personally thinks I'm depressed or suffer bipolar, I think I agree, he claims I'm either way to happy, sexually active, and over confident, followed by days of the opposite. 

We both were both in tears, he said I need to be more clear because sometimes he gets the impression that I don't need him by shutting him out all the time. 

Personally I think it really did help just talking. I've realised I need to stop building up feelings inside me.

We both have it very hard with the children all being under the tag of 5 as well. I apologise I meant to say 2 with severe autism and a 18 month year old showing sings. However I'm very happy with then and love them, and I've even shut out outside agencies for help. My husband claims I need to stop playing superwoman and accept help because that's what's causing so much stress. Deep down I know he's right, our children haven't stolen anything from us. I'm a very strong women but sometimes being strong is the only option I have. 

But thank you all for your replies.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your husband sounds wise, listen to him.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You need therapy and you need help with your kids and therapy will help you feel okay about allowing help with your kids. You didn't cause their autism, you can't control their autism and frankly, you're not coping to well with their autism.

I'm glad you posted back and had that frank discussion with your H. Best of luck to you!


----------



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

This is a classic example of two sides to every story. I read your intial post and thought "he sounds like an ass". After your second post I said "he seems like a good dude". Lesson learned...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Observer said:


> This is a classic example of two sides to every story. I read your intial post and thought "he sounds like an ass". After your second post I said "he seems like a good dude". Lesson learned...


Here is another lesson for husbands:

Don't allow your wife to dictate the terms and conditions of your involvement with your children. Don't allow her anxiety and need to control, control you.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ladysweet said:


> Thanks everyone for the replies.
> 
> After writing this message I decided I really need to talk to him so I did.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you have a pretty amazing husband, and a great sex life to boot.

Listen to him.

This is also a good reminder to all of us that you can not be so quick to villainize the off-board spouse based off very limited info.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ladysweet said:


> My husband is great in bed. ....knows exactly how to turn me on and make me go crazy. He always gives me multiple orgasms without fail. After having sex I'm guessing due to oxytocin levels I feel so emotionally connected to him....
> 
> ....but when he comes home, and *doesn't meet my emotional needs, like asking me how my day was? Or just wanting to sit eat, or watch a movie, I feel neglected *that I tell myself to shut the sex out and I won't feel like that.
> 
> ...





ladysweet said:


> ...The *problem I have is not being able to communicate my needs and letting it build up inside*.
> 
> *When he came home that night and touched me I just burst out crying and lashing out like some mad women*, I can't even express how numb I became when I started screaming/ crying incontrobally.
> 
> My husband said every time he tries to help in the morning or afternoon, I'm always tell him he's getting everything off routine and making things worse...


You sound so much like my wife in some respects (although mine is LD and sexually inhibited). You are right about the hormones after sex. Let me tell you about what I did to understand my wife and make her feel loved.

First, read Dr. Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. Get your H to read it and talk about it. My wife's primary language of love is "quality time" (talking, sharing one's day, ones dreams, ones hopes, sharing one's suffering) followed by "acts of service." You sound similar. 

My wife imprinted on her mother always having a hot dinner ready for her husband when he came home as the way a woman should show the man she loves how much she loves him. For my wife creating a hot homemade dinner and then having great conversation at the dinner take put her in a blissful mood. When it worked, she showed love and felt loved in return. Cooking and other homemaking activities were acts of service that expressed her love.

If I showed up late and the dinner was burned, it was like I had rejected her sexually or slapped her face. If I tried to do the cooking, it was like I had sexually rejected her or slapped her face. You might want to see if you have similar feelings.

It was only after reading Dr. Chapman's book that I understood that I needed to let her know how much I appreciated her home cooked dinners and make sure we talked during dinner so she felt loved. I was able to kick it up a notch and each morning I bring her a cup of coffee. We both lay in bed drinking coffee and then we talk together so she starts the day with my making her feel loved by doing an act of service for her and providing her with quality time. Besides making her happy neither of those things do much for me emotionally.

What my wife needs to be very careful about is that my primary love languages are "touch" and "praise or words of affirmation."
(The fifth love language is giving/getting "presents.") 

If my wife yells at me or critisizes me or physically withdraws from my touch, it feels like she has slapped me in the face. I have told my wife that if she needs to critisize me, she needs to first touch me, tell me she loves me and say how much certain things I do are wonderful. Then after I am feeling loved, she can gently tell me how she would like me to change a behavior all while continuing to make me feel loved.

The advice you have gotten from others is good, especially about getting some therapy. But I would also urge you and your H to read Dr. Chapman's book. It could even help you better interact with your children in their love languages.

Good luck


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

May I suggest that you call in the agencies that will enrich the lives of your children? They won't do everything your way but it's exactly what your children need. 

Your husband sounds more like the unsung hero and you not as virtuous as you believe, no? Maybe that is the problem. It may be uncomfortable to think of it this way but just go on a mental trip. Could you be thinking of yourself as the martyr in the family? 

You and your husband have the potential of forming a great team and bringing up children with great challenges watching them make milestones that others would think is impossible. But you can't be the lone ranger because that will deny them the enrichment that they need. 

Ask yourself honestly, are you standing in the way of a better and happier life for your family because people don't do things your way?


----------



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

He is very wise, one of his reminders to me was that happiness is within ourselves. He said once I learn to aceept that I need to let go of my ego for independance, I'll see things in a different light. He thinks my ego for independence is what holds me back in every way.

I have to say sometimes I wonder. He said the reason he sleeps is because when im asleep late is because after begging me to go to sleep we end up having sex, and I fall asleep easy. He makes sure I dont get any borken sleep by looking after the chilldren when they cry etc because that the only time i won't refuse his help. We spoke all night then he told me to sleep and trust him to look after the kids without worrying and that's exactly what I did.

Sometimes I just know that deep down my independence that was taken, along with my super job, after I had the chilldren it took its toll. I feel as though I cope well with my children but maybe that's how the outside world see it or how I want them to see it. I personally don't want to take anti-depressents and he agrees. He says he will ask me questions every night, and for me to be as honest with him and see how it goes?

And about the person who said controlling him. I have never asked him to do anything as I'm to prided by " I can do it myself" to ever control someone else.


----------



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> You sound so much like my wife in some respects (although mine is LD and sexually inhibited). You are right about the hormones after sex. Let me tell you about what I did to understand my wife and make her feel loved.
> 
> First, read Dr. Chapman's 5 Languages of Love. Get your H to read it and talk about it. My wife's primary language of love is "quality time" (talking, sharing one's day, ones dreams, ones hopes, sharing one's suffering) followed by "acts of service." You sound similar.
> 
> ...



That was such a beautiful read. It sounds exactly like me, I would love my husband to read such a book but he can't read English propley.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I didn't say you were controlling him. I said your "need to control." You need to be in control. You need to be in charge, competent, confident, got it all under control. You're not controlling him directly, but your need to be in charge and under control "to be seen as independent and competent" will run yourself absolutely ragged.

So accept help and don't feel compelled to always be on duty and in charge of the care of your kids. You need a break and you need help.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ladysweet said:


> That was such a beautiful read. It sounds exactly like me, I would love my husband to read such a book but he can't read English propley.


If you are serious about doing this, he can understand it.

The book is available as both an audio book in English and has been translated into 39 languages besides English. It has sold over 8 million copies. English, Spanish, French, Hindi, Arabic, etc. I am sure that it is in one of the languages he can read.

But even if he can't read it, you and your children would likely benefit from YOU reading the book.

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

One thing to know is that Dr. Chapman is a very religious (Christian minister) person, but the book has very little religion in the book, it is really about people and not religion. Still if you look for it, it is found in the religion section of most book stores.


----------



## ladysweet (Sep 1, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> If you are serious about doing this, he can understand it.
> 
> The book is available as both an audio book in English and has been translated into 39 languages besides English. It has sold over 8 million copies. English, Spanish, French, Hindi, Arabic, etc. I am sure that it is in one of the languages he can read.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much it's defiantly worth a read because my husbands shares the same priority as you and I share the same as your wife's. I've just ordered the book for 3.95 of eBay


----------

