# What is the best way to support her to get over her EA?



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I would like to know from you who have been through it with your spouse, what is the best thing I can do for my wife to let her heal from her EA with another man?

Whenever I voice my concerns or my feelings, things always turn into a major fight. Is there a better way?


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I wonder if I have been impeding her greiving process with feeding her guilt by my getting upset and letting her know whenever I hurt?

12 Ways To Recover from an Emotional Affair | World of Psychology


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I'm thinking, don't voice your concerns or feelings, it's just reminding her of what she did wrong. Also, depersonalize it (in your own mind)...she was boosting her (low) self esteem, she is just an adrenaline junkie getting her fix, etc. These thoughts are for YOU. My therapist told me "He would have gone through this and done this no matter who he was married to; this is something he is working through in his own head." ....does this make sense? She might need to be reminded of how desireable she still is, I can see this with having 5 kids!!! I would keep talking about it to a minimum and let her kind of be your guide to when she is ready to talk, if at all. Enjoy every day regardless of her behavior, stay strong, and always remind yourself of what a smoking hot super fantastic catch _YOU_ are, keep looking forward.....and (for now) keep honking at hot young joggers


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> I'm thinking, don't voice your concerns or feelings, it's just reminding her of what she did wrong. Also, depersonalize it (in your own mind)...she was boosting her (low) self esteem, she is just an adrenaline junkie getting her fix, etc. These thoughts are for YOU. My therapist told me "He would have gone through this and done this no matter who he was married to; this is something he is working through in his own head." ....does this make sense? She might need to be reminded of how desireable she still is, I can see this with having 5 kids!!! I would keep talking about it to a minimum and let her kind of be your guide to when she is ready to talk, if at all. Enjoy every day regardless of her behavior, stay strong, and always remind yourself of what a smoking hot super fantastic catch _YOU_ are, keep looking forward.....and (for now) keep honking at hot young joggers


LOL...$hit did I write that somewhere else on this forum? Or have you been talking with MY friends? Bahahaha these past few weeks have been a blur so who knows. 

Thanks for the useful advice once again! Yeah that makes sense. A friend of mine told me something similar today and I just wanted to see if anyone else might give me similar or various advice. It makes sense. I think she will heal on her own and I need to give her that trust so that she can have that time to heal.


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

tj71 said:


> I would like to know from you who have been through it with your spouse, what is the best thing I can do for my wife to let her heal from her EA with another man?
> 
> Whenever I voice my concerns or my feelings, things always turn into a major fight. Is there a better way?


When you find the answer to your questions, please do share. As I am looking for the same answer. H just told me he's in love with another woman, but want to work out our marriage because he doesn't want to hurt the kids. How do I help him forget the OW. What's the best or worst thing I can do?


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Learningmoveon said:


> When you find the answer to your questions, please do share. As I am looking for the same answer. H just told me he's in love with another woman, but want to work out our marriage because he doesn't want to hurt the kids. How do I help him forget the OW. What's the best or worst thing I can do?


I know I am early in the game here because it has only been 4 weeks since I found out about my wife. But I have had some advice from a couple of friends of mine (and people on this forum...read yogachick's post above) so I will tell you what I think the best thing you can do for him, and yourself is right now.

This is going to sound crazy and it is going to be the hardest thing you ever do, but if you can manage to do it, I think it might be the most liberating thing for both of you but especially for you. 

Treat him as though nothing has happened. Refrain from telling him what is bothering you. He needs to know your expectations, but let it end there. When you tell him how hurt you feel, he is going to be so overwhelmed with guilt that he won't know how to handle it. You won't progress that way. You will need to detach yourself from all of this. I know it sounds strange but I almost had to detach myself to the point where I felt it was ok if she decided she can't stop this and that one day she wants to leave me. If your husband wants to get over this then he will need to do it on his own. free from any guilt you might give him. He needs that freedom. He also needs to feel like he has a choice in the matter. When I was obsessing about looking at all of my wife's email accounts and facebook posts and I would ask her about every concern I had, not only did she feel so much guilt but she also felt watched over and as if I had taken away her choice. 

Sept 1 I decided to implement this advice my friend gave me. Yesterday was my first challenge. She had changed one of her email account passwords. I had to sit there and talk myself out of freaking out. I told myself...you need to just let this go, don't ask her about it, give her her freedom. If she is going to contact him again, there is no way I am going to stop her. I need to give her the choice. Ya know what? I didn't say anything. It didn't bother me after about a half hour. I felt so liberated!

Your husband needs this time on his own to get through this and get over the OW. Free from your constant watch and worry. It will progress much slower if you don't free him. always let him know you love him and don't put up any walls. Keep damaging thoughts away from him and find a third party person to vent with. I think using what I have said along with counseling will be the best thing you can do for him. By doing this for him, you can liberate yourself and realize that it is YOU who makes you happy and no one else.

Hope that helps. I am still really new in the game but this is something I have learned the past few days. Keep us posted on your progress.


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

Wow tj71!!! You right on point. It's only been 2 months since my husband told me about leaving and been maybe less than a month before he decided to come clean with his feelings for the OW and it's only been a couple days when he told me he's "in love" with this OW. It's been 5 days since he told the kids he wanted space, but decided to stay after he saw how hurt they were. What you are saying not to do is exactly when I am doing and find it very hard to refrain from doing it! I have all these questions going through my head and can't refrain from asking him. 

Example of questions I would ask him are:
Did you really tell her you going to work on your marriage for the kids?
How do I know you not lying to me and telling her to wait for you till you "pretend" to work on your marriage?
How do I know you really doing this from your heart?
How do I know you're not going to hurt the kids again in a week, months or another year?
How do I know you're not still contacting her?
.....and so on

I would check his emails, curious as to who's calling him or who he's talking to, question why he's home late from work, question as to why he's always keep his phone on silent....etc.

He needs to know my expectations??? I guess I’m lost here.

Sad to say but I do like to learn to detach myself to the point where I felt it’s ok if he decide to leave and go to this OW, in a way I like to be prepare for it and not be as hurt when it comes around again. But how do you really do it? Did you change your routine? Did you do things you never would have done before you knew about your wife? I guess at a lost as to how I should act or do. Like some people say in this forum...there must have been something I did or not do causing the marriage to fall apart and in some ways marriage fall apart because of both party not just necessary the cheating spouse. 

My husband said to me “you giving me ultimatums, I do not like ultimatums”. 

Venting and talking to you and people on this forum did help me understand and your advice very very helpful as I was at a lost as to how I should, act, treat him and was clueless in the whole thing. I want to be able to win his love back but don’t’ want to push him away at the same time. Obviously right now this thoughts and mind and heart with the OW and I do not want to “give the OW the satisfaction” of winning my husband’s heart.

I am crushed, hurt, angry, frightened, confused, astonished and pretty screwed up at the moment. I cannot get full control of my emotions, can’t sleep, very angry with him, lost my confidence, losing weight due to not being able to eat and can’t concentrate at work. But what you are saying (yes in a strange way), do make sense. It really does help...Thank you!


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Learningtomoveon,

I understand. I think it's the lies that hurt the most. For two weeks straight I thought "What would I do if it happened again?" and I still wonder if she is not lying. When I would question her about it, she would look me in the eyes and promise she felt nothing for him and that nothing was going on. Lies. All of it.

I think you both need to sit down and make decisions as the what you both want out of the marriage and then go from there. Let him do it and liberate yourself from the thoughts that enslave you. I am still new and I have only decided to do this for my third day now but what I have felt when I have resisted the urge to tell her my feelings or tell her my findings is a very very free and liberating feeling inside myself. You owe it to yourself if no one else to free you from this. Don't tell him your plan either or it might undermine what you are trying to accomplish. Some things you should hold to yourself. Not everything but the ways you are learning to free yourself and detach yourself are for YOU.

Make the decision and see where it takes you. We have five children and I have still been able to tell myself that it will be okay if it doesn't work out. That feeling, somehow, makes me free. And I will be here waiting until she is ready to join me.

Please feel free to check in or ask anytime. It's a progression for sure and I'm still learning.

LOL I have lost about 10 lbs over all of this


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## Learningmoveon (Sep 2, 2010)

At least she can look into your eyes and say she felt nothing for him, even if its a lie, I think I can live with that better than hearing "I'm head over heel in love with her".

For me righ now, it's the step he took to hurt our kids is what hurts me the most. He took the step to hurt our kids knowing they will be hurt over this OW and now have no courage to go and staying to cause more pain.

I feel like at the end I will be working on our marriage and fighting for the strength for nothing. 

But it is nice to be able to talk to someone that are in the same or similar situation. Thank you so much


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing that may help is for the two of you to initiate a 1-hour talk every week. Like on Sunday night after the kids are asleep. That one hour is the only time you discuss your marriage, where you vow to be safe (not hurt the other person by being mean, etc.), and try to be productive - seek solutions, not blaming. That way, the rest of the week is relatively stress free.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks so much for posting this string! I needed to read some of this to help me through this tough time.

After feeling neglected by me for several years while I poured my heart and soul into a job that I hated, and became a miserable person who unknowingly took it out on my family, my husband found solace and attention elsewhere. Never a physical relationship, but an emotional one via online communication with Facebook "friends" and other online video game "buddies." The primary woman with whom he's had the most contact is in Europe, thousands of miles from here, but she's someone who has made him happy through flirtation and their "friendship" when I did not. She's beautiful, flirty, and, of course, 23 years old (he's 47).

When I found out about their online relationship, it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. I am accepting my part in this mess and am moving mountains to fix the wrongs I've done. He, too, says he's willing to give our marriage a try and is attending counseling with me (we've been to 2 sessions so far). But it's SO HARD to not feel the urge to look over his shoulder when he's on his computer. He's a techie professionally, so he's on the computer quite a bit. It takes every bit of energy I have to not go into our office to see what he's doing or if he's exchanging quick chats with her. But I just keep re-reading the posts by you and yogachick which help me to get over my temporary panics and, yes, eventually they subside. None of our issues started overnight and I just need to detach and give them time to heal. It's VERY HARD to trust that he's REALLY working on our marriage (he says he is, which is why he's agreed to counseling). I'm afraid that he'll keep his emotional online affair on the side. I know it's a fantasy that makes him feel good and I just have to try to fulfill his emotional needs in our "real" life so that eventually he doesn't need the online adrenaline boost. It's hard not to think that I'm competing for him in some capacity right now and that's so painful knowing that it's not comparing apples to apples. She's 23, I'm 40. She's an "exotic" foreigner who's "new and exciting," I'm whitebread he's used to.

It's difficult, but I'm very thankful for this post. Please keep the pearls of wisdom and advice coming!


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I think it keeps getting a little easier for me too. I still want to check emails and texts. But I am fighting the urge as much as I can and I have not confronted her about it since that day I committed. I even found that she had changed one of her email passwords. I am still fighting the urge to confront her about it. Even though it hurts, when I get past it I truly feel in control of my own situation and destiny...not giving in to hatred and create a big fight over it.

It's truly hard because in my 18 years of marriage, I have never felt like she has put both feet into our relationship. We have had great times no doubt, but there have been three situations where she felt feelings for another guy since we have been married, and every six months she comes to me and says she still wonders whether it was right or wrong that we ever got married. A lot of heartbreak looking back as I am almost 40 years of age..

I am still fighting feelings but I am committed to this new way of thinking. It really is liberating. I feel entirely different about myself as well. Restored self worth and confidence. Confident that no matter what ever happens I can still be happy even if it has to be with someone else. Very empowering.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

I'm having one of "those" moments right now... so I'm writing just to vent and keep myself from giving into my instinct to check on him. He's on his computer in the office, playing one of his online Facebook games... one of the games he plays with his European "pal". He's promised that he's willing to work on the marriage and claims that they are just "good friends" but it's so hard to hear his fingers clinking on the keyboard and not wonder "Is he chatting with her?"

I can't make him stop his online activity. I also can't make him stop chatting with her ever because they work together and are in the same corporate group for many projects. I have to only have faith that my husband is truly willing to give this marriage the effort it deserves while I continue to make up for the neglect I've put him through for years as I worked and worked and worked. I'm keeping my cool and my jealous insecurities in check as much as I can, making dinner right now and trying to let go. I can't wait for our next counseling session next week, but even then I don't know if I should mention or dwell on these insecure feelings.

He claims that he's having trust issues with me, feeling neglected for years as I took out my work frustrations on him and was just a generally miserable person for years. But now, in light of his online "friend," I'm having trust issues as well. I understand that because he felt neglected, he was naturally drawn to a friendly personality who flirted and made him feel special. The fact that she's a 23 year old knockout also doesn't hurt. So I'm trying to be "intellectual" instead of emotional right now when all I want to do is freak out, bawl my brains out and hold him with all my might.

These boards are helping, so I'll keep coming back here... thanks to you all for your support and sensible advice.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

tj71 said:


> It's truly hard because in my 18 years of marriage, I have never felt like she has put both feet into our relationship. We have had great times no doubt, but there have been three situations where she felt feelings for another guy since we have been married, and every six months she comes to me and says she still wonders whether it was right or wrong that we ever got married. A lot of heartbreak looking back as I am almost 40 years of age..
> 
> I am still fighting feelings but I am committed to this new way of thinking. It really is liberating. I feel entirely different about myself as well. Restored self worth and confidence. Confident that no matter what ever happens I can still be happy even if it has to be with someone else. Very empowering.


I see great progress here! I'm thinking the next time she comes to you wondering "if it was right or wrong that you got married" you call her bluff, just a thought. Maybe say something like "You know what I was thinking the same thing, like maybe *you* were a mistake" ....then don't say anything and see what happens. So many times liars and cheaters are cowards and just playing games. I'm happy to see you getting your confidence on, cheaters like that. This is who you fell in love with and the bottom line with these types is... *You gotta have game!!!! *

Enjoy EVERY minute of the rest of your blessed life <3


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

To: Tj and Learning,

i'm glad u two are feeling good about yer situations but prudence would behoove u both to read thru the many threads here on TAM as u'll see different steps taken by others w/ good/better results, as well as give u some "end game" strategies should u encompass some "curves-detours" in yer own scenarios.

Its funny tho' that what one "victim" here is willing to tolerate from their EA spouse another certainly would not, and either boundary set may or may not work out for either party.
For instance, me and many here i've read in the past would set up clear boundaries for the EA spouse to honor, assuming they were ashamed/repentant to begin with (key).

Take transparency for example. After a repentant talk w/ rededication to marriage bonds, no spouse should be changing psswds to ANYTHING w/out telling the other as this would be rightfully deemed a breach of trust. This is *ESPECIALLY TRUE* SOON after the EA discovery and "the talk." 
If one "forgets" then fine, they should have no problem giving it up on the spot so to speak.

If they don't do this, or cooperate, or you don't have this mentality in the first place, then i think u r asking for trouble in many ways in yer rel'shp as trust needs to be rebuilt brick by brick, BY THEM primarily as they were the transgressors, not u.

Its sort of like asking an alcoholic not to touch the drinks in the cabinet soon after they've had a "falling off the wagon" experience, and all the while u have THE key to lock it up in the first place. Yes, u cant keep them from busting that door open, nor can u keep them from "getting it elsewhere" but, do u allow temptation so soon or make it too easy for them to 
fall once more?

These are my opines of course. Just something to consider.

also u may wish to check this site out if u havent already.
really kewl/thorough kinda blueprint advice they give:

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

to the restoration of yer marriages------------shalom.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand.

Your WIFE had an EA, and yet YOU are giving HER space?

Why?


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

As someone who is trying to end an EA and decide whether the marriage is worth saving, I would say to all you spouses--if you feel suspicious, there's probably a reason for it. If you hear fingers clicking, there's a reason to take notice. I know I'm trying very hard to find anything to do that doesn't involve the computer because I know that's where danger lies.

You can't force someone to end it before he/she is ready. But by being strong and confident in yourself, you benefit yourself and your marriage. My husband refused to give up on me and we're both working to try to put things back together. 

But please don't try to be sympathetic to what your spouse may be going through. I remember my husband telling me I might be 'emotionally uncomfortable' after breaking up with the OM (he got the phrase from some online article), and I wanted to smack him upside the head. At the time, it was like telling a meth addict he might be 'emotionally uncomfortable' giving up his habit.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly!


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