# Always the same fight



## FishKid (Feb 1, 2013)

We have been married for 5 years, together 6, and I am generally happy and (I hope) so is she. 
We do have our share of minor disagreements and once in a while (every 2-3 months) a really huge fight that can last from a few hours to up to a few days.

Those fights always follow roughly the same pattern. Her attitude goes through the following stages.
1. I am really pissed and I'm not talking to you right now
2. I am not happy with you or with this marriage
3. We're too different and this marriage isn't worth fighting for
4. I'm a b*tch, you deserve to be with someone better so I'm leaving you
5. We have some issues that we need to work through
6. You're the best person in the world and I can't believe I was thinking about leaving you, please forgive me

My reaction to all of the above tends to be:
1. That's ok, I'm pretty pissed too and not talking to you either
2. Then what the f*** are you doing here?
3. As long as we love each other it's worth fighting for in spite of our whatever problems we may have
4. I'm capable of deciding for myself whether or not I want to stay with you
5. Let's talk
6. Okay, but don't do it again and try to skip stages 2, 3 and 4 next time

Sometimes the fiths are triggered by trivial things, sometimes or over by disagreements over big decisions. Sometimes she's right, sometimes I am. This has happened for as long as we've been together, so I am usually confident we will eventually arrive at stage 6.

Outside of those fights, she is very loving, caring, affectionate and I love her. I would go through considerable length to keep her.

Now, the problem is that lately these episodes have increased in frequency and duration. And they tend to get stuck on stages 2 and 3 longer. I am worried that one day we might not come out of it and she might leave me for real. I don't want that to happen.

What do you think I could do that might help this situation?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


----------



## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

I would say fights are a healthy part of a marriage. I had 0 fights with my wife while my relationship seemed stable to me but in actuallity it was a sign of lack of interest on her part. I would argue things but hardly ever get in screaming matches.

Fights mean you both are trying to establish your ground on your ideals, be it a way of doing things, a way of talking to each other, a behavioral pattern. Basically what you are doing (both of you) is meshing your perspectives. Like 2 cogs that dont go together... run them long enough and they will eventually wear to the point were they easily function smoothly together.

The fact that you are fighting (the type of fights you are describing at least) means both of you want to make things work. It means that there is passion in your relationship. There is life.

I wouldnt worry about it, but I would recommend you guys see a marriage counselor to help smoothen things out. Think of that as oil lubricabt in the cog example.

The important thing is to appreciate the moments you and your wife reach an understanding after your fights. Make a big deal about resolving the issues, so that at least the fights themselves are worthwhile you know?


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

get a marriage counselor, or someone with enough wisdom and broad mind.

she loves you and apparently you do too; that's just too obvious. you guys just have terrible communication method.hug her, tell her you love her and you want to hear what she wants and she needs to hear what you want about whatever issue you have.

as long as there is fight, means there is hope. because fights show that she is still interested to resolve the issue by telling you that you guys actually have issue. granted, in bad way, so there's the problem. work together to find the good way of communication.

yes yes you are different, but who isn't?
except you married to your clone, but that's highly unlikely scenario.

i can relate to your wife, end up with STBXH left me because he didn't say anything about his needs.do not go there.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FishKid said:


> I am generally happy and ....We do have our share of minor disagreements.


Really, FishKid? You are _"generally happy"_ and have _"minor disagreements"_ and are considering divorcing her? Why? Why did you place your thread in the "considering divorce" section?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... The two of you haven't learned proper ways to communicate with each other and safe "argue". Get some outside help, like a counsellor. 

C


----------



## FishKid (Feb 1, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies.



Uptown said:


> Really, FishKid? You are _"generally happy"_ and have _"minor disagreements"_ and are considering divorcing her? Why? Why did you place your thread in the "considering divorce" section?


I'm generally happy and the disagreements are minor _except_ for what I've described above.
If every time we have a big fight, she says the marriage is worthless, not worth investing in, she's tired of trying, etc. it undermines the stability of the relationship. And it's getting harder for me to trust her commitment to it. I've told her that and she says she understands and would try to stop it, but it keeps happening, and more often. I'm not sure how much more of it I can take.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FishKid said:


> If every time we have a big fight, she says the marriage is worthless, not worth investing in, she's tired of trying, etc. it undermines the stability of the relationship.


FishKid, it would be helpful if you would tell us just how bad the "big fights" become. Does she throw temper tantrums, yell and scream, and verbally abuse you? 

I ask because it is unclear whether she is threatening divorce as a bargaining strategy or, rather, she truly believes the marriage is unsalvageable at those moments. Do you have the feeling, during the fights, that she temporarily hates you and is completely out of touch with the love she has for you?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I can't believe that the two of you haven't done counseling yet!


----------



## FishKid (Feb 1, 2013)

Uptown said:


> FishKid, it would be helpful if you would tell us just how bad the "big fights" become. Does she throw temper tantrums, yell and scream, and verbally abuse you?
> 
> I ask because it is unclear whether she is threatening divorce as a bargaining strategy or, rather, she truly believes the marriage is unsalvageable at those moments. Do you have the feeling, during the fights, that she temporarily hates you and is completely out of touch with the love she has for you?


How bad? Well, it usually starts with a silent treatment or a screaming fit. No swearing or physical violence or throwing stuff.

I don't know if she really believes the marriage is unsalvageable. Afterwards, I'm usually convinced it was a bargaining tool (or blackmail, basically). As I have gotten desensitized to it over the years, she has had to increase the intensity to convince me that "this time it's for real". So a while ago she actually took a plane and went away to a random destination for a week. Another time she sent me the text of an email that she threatened to send to my parents, announcing our irrevocable separation.

So if she has to keep inventing new stuff for it to work, I'm scared about what her next trick might be.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

FishKid, when the arguments occur -- you say every 2 or 3 months -- are they over major issues or, rather, minor issues? I ask because some women, who are unable to deal with intimacy, will periodically push their partners away by creating fights out of thin air. The disagreements, in those cases, are over such minor things that neither party can remember what it was several days later. Does this apply you your W during the really big fights? Finally, if the big fights actually are about important big issues, why is it that they are never resolved?


----------



## FishKid (Feb 1, 2013)

Uptown said:


> FishKid, when the arguments occur -- you say every 2 or 3 months -- are they over major issues or, rather, minor issues? I ask because some women, who are unable to deal with intimacy, will periodically push their partners away by creating fights out of thin air. The disagreements, in those cases, are over such minor things that neither party can remember what it was several days later. Does this apply you your W during the really big fights? Finally, if the big fights actually are about important big issues, why is it that they are never resolved?


It depends, sometimes it's a big deal from the start, sometimes it's triggered by something trivial but it turns out there's a bigger underlying issue that's been bothering her.
I don't think she has intimacy issues.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

So what's preventing you two from resolving these big deal problems when they arise every month or two? Can you not reason with her? Does she lack communication skills? Why does she resort to threatening divorce -- as a way of blackmailing you -- instead of simply working with you to resolve the problem itself?


----------



## FishKid (Feb 1, 2013)

Uptown said:


> So what's preventing you two from resolving these big deal problems when they arise every month or two? Can you not reason with her? Does she lack communication skills? Why does she resort to threatening divorce -- as a way of blackmailing you -- instead of simply working with you to resolve the problem itself?


It's either
1) We agree on something but then we get lazy and fail to follow through on it (we are both guilty of this)
2) We can't agree on something, we can both be unreasonable sometimes.
3) She changes her mind about something we agreed on earlier.

Regarding 3, I've tried suggesting she take responsibility for what she agrees to, but then the response is that she's a woman and therefore her *feelings* about something can change and we are both powerless to do anything about that and I am a jerk for not understanding.


----------

