# no sex is creating a monster



## briansmith (Mar 2, 2013)

I love my wife, not actually married but we have been together for 17 years with 3 kids so i feel like she is my wife. Since late October she has cut of sex, not only sex but any affection at all, no hand holding, no kissing, nothing. She say she has no desire for it at all, not even enough for a HJ or BJ to quell my desire. She says she feels fats and unattractive. She has put on some weight over the year but the suffers from Hypothyroid so its understandable that she had gained a little but i find her to absolutely Hot, i love her curves, she is beautiful. When the cut off came about her thyroid was spiraling out of control and for any of you out there that have a spouse with a thyroid disorder im sure you know how it affects a relationship. She has had this issue for nearly 16 years and over this time it just got worse and worse even with a doctors help. A couple months back i took her off her meds and we went the natural route and it has made a huge difference in how she feels except for the libido. Needless to say this is causing some huge issues for us. Im getting more and more angry about being ignored and im lashing out at her, i dont know maybe trying to make her feel what how she is making me feel. Childish i know but it happens and this just makes things worse. I get rejected on a daily bases and im feeling pretty worthless. She says to me "what do you want me to do, just lay there?" She acts like its just about having sex, like there is nothing more to it than an act of me getting off. I miss her, i miss being with her, i miss that connection, spiritual and physical. Right now im nothing more than a room mate that shares a bed. I have to see her undress every night and get dressed every morning and i crave her so bad. I don't want to look at porn, i don't want to have to masturbate when i have such a beautiful women laying next to me that i should be able to enjoy. I feel like 17 years is about to be wasted, i feel like she is absolutely willing to wreck her family over this. Im supposed to just deal with it till she feels that flicker yet she she cant find it in herself to even try. I know she is not having an affair and i know alot if has to do with the thyroid issue which has caused havoc on her. Also im not helping by getting so frustrated either. It feels like a sinkhole i cant get out of. One time of the past 5 months she allowed me to give her an orgasm, we used a toy and oral and she enjoyed it but she wouldn't allow sex afterwards. I can get her off with toy and im not good enough. Well i brought that up to her and that did not go over well, she said nothing is good enough for me, i always want more. I have received two HJ which was nice and yes i did want more, want to be with her. Now is nothing at all due to me wanting more. I don't get it, i should want more, i would think she would find it offensive if i didn't. Like i said im in a sinkhole and i cant find away out. Any advice would be great.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

WOW.

Although you put this in the sex in marriage forum, to tell you the truth, your problem isn't really about sex. Your wife has decided to cut off all affection from you period, and obviously that's a serious problem.

It's a pickle because really, neither of you are necessarily in the wrong here. If she really doesn't feel that spark anymore, then she doesn't. I don't think you would want her to fake it. But at the same time, it's not reasonable for her to expect you to go celibate the rest of your life without complaining. 

I'm sort of confused if you are saying this is caused by medical issues. If it is, then there should be a medical solution, right?

If there is no medical solution, then counseling is the only way to go. If she refuses to do that, I think splitting up is the only realistic option here. If she continues this way, I can't see any way you two could successfully stay together unless she allowed you to see other people.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

First I'm really sorry your both going through this. The reason I say that is I went through being hyperthyroidism and then hypothyroidism for a period of 5 years. Boy does it mess with you and your body. First I would highly recommend you go to an endocrinologist if she has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Your thyroid is hormone cental in yokour body...so if she is hypo it will effect her sex drive. I am a HD person, talk about 100 to 0 in nothing flat...took my thyroid out due to a tumor and the next day no sex drive at all!!!! Talk about shock...I got really upset wigh my dr. He explained that removing my thyroid meant I was now hypothyroidism and that untill they got my counts regulated my drive would be little to nothing. It took 8 months to get my meds regulated and my count right....but when we did my sex drive thank goodness came back with a vengence!!!! I am more HD then ever now. T3 and T4 are the numbers that have to be balanced... you can be any where from 0.5 to 5.0 and be normal. Figuring out the perfect number for you is what takes time and a good doctor to work with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

briansmith said:


> A couple months back i took her off her meds


Maybe you should leave these sorts of medical decisions to her and her prescribing doctor.

Unless of course, you ARE her prescribing doctor.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

It took multiple doctors to get one who was willing to work witg me on all my symptoms. As far as how we handled it, honestly it was real hard on my hubster he didn't like my lack of interest. I was always willing to give him a bj or hj but really wasn't interested in making love at all. I enjoyed pleasuring him just wasn't interested in anything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well Brian, she certainly isn't worried about losing you, is she? She's acting like you're a sure thing. I hope you didn't tell her that you'd never leave or get it elsewhere.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm sorry... a woman doesn't loose her brain or her love when she looses her sex drive... she ought to have enough memory to empathize to the JOY and fulfullment it brings to her man - to continue to GIVE in the sexual....similar to cuddling with her children watching a movie...or showing comfort...she may not "feel like doing these things" but understanding our loved ones still need us shouldn't be thrown out the window suddenly. I just see that as cruelty, no wonder you are so ticked off. 

If she can not understand how you feel in this... why should you understand her...she is shutting you down like you are nothing to her... there is a limit to "acceptance" of such carelessness..and coldness.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

briansmith said:


> I love my wife, not actually married but we have been together for 17 years with 3 kids so i feel like she is my wife. Since late October she has cut of sex, not only sex but any affection at all, no hand holding, no kissing, nothing. She say she has no desire for it at all, not even enough for a HJ or BJ to quell my desire. She says she feels fats and unattractive. She has put on some weight over the year but the suffers from Hypothyroid so its understandable that she had gained a little but i find her to absolutely Hot, i love her curves, she is beautiful. When the cut off came about her thyroid was spiraling out of control and for any of you out there that have a spouse with a thyroid disorder im sure you know how it affects a relationship. She has had this issue for nearly 16 years and over this time it just got worse and worse even with a doctors help. A couple months back i took her off her meds and we went the natural route and it has made a huge difference in how she feels except for the libido. Needless to say this is causing some huge issues for us. Im getting more and more angry about being ignored and im lashing out at her, i dont know maybe trying to make her feel what how she is making me feel. Childish i know but it happens and this just makes things worse. I get rejected on a daily bases and im feeling pretty worthless. She says to me "what do you want me to do, just lay there?" She acts like its just about having sex, like there is nothing more to it than an act of me getting off. I miss her, i miss being with her, i miss that connection, spiritual and physical. Right now im nothing more than a room mate that shares a bed. I have to see her undress every night and get dressed every morning and i crave her so bad. I don't want to look at porn, i don't want to have to masturbate when i have such a beautiful women laying next to me that i should be able to enjoy. I feel like 17 years is about to be wasted, i feel like she is absolutely willing to wreck her family over this. Im supposed to just deal with it till she feels that flicker yet she she cant find it in herself to even try. I know she is not having an affair and i know alot if has to do with the thyroid issue which has caused havoc on her. Also im not helping by getting so frustrated either. It feels like a sinkhole i cant get out of. One time of the past 5 months she allowed me to give her an orgasm, we used a toy and oral and she enjoyed it but she wouldn't allow sex afterwards. I can get her off with toy and im not good enough. Well i brought that up to her and that did not go over well, she said nothing is good enough for me, i always want more. I have received two HJ which was nice and yes i did want more, want to be with her. Now is nothing at all due to me wanting more. I don't get it, i should want more, i would think she would find it offensive if i didn't. Like i said im in a sinkhole and i cant find away out. Any advice would be great.


I am writing this as a drunk senior statesman of sex.....I have laid claim to bringing my wife to orgasm 10,000 times during our relationship.....That relationship has lasted 47 years, so pull out your calculator before playing the Bull$hit card.....

We had a spat tonight, and that is why I am in front of my computer instead of sleeping right now......I have had at least a tripple double straight Evan Williams, so I am blitzed.......

Like me, you are hopelessly in love with you wife. With all her faults, she is your woman, and is all the woman you want....Unfortunately she is a female, and devoid of reason or accountability.....When you tell her of your passion, she says to herself "I wonder what he means by that?" AUHHHGGGGHHH WOMEN!!!!!!.....

I recently found something that works like those communicators on Star Trek.....It sort of translates Male to female. communication wise.....

It is a book called "The 5 Love Languages".....My wife and I read it a couple of weeks ago, and that is why we are not still screaming at one another tonight, It really works.....

It tells couples how to understand one another, and it is getting me laid bigtime.......Disreguard that, it's the bourbon talking.....

But I am.....And she keeps saying she will try to do even better.....Hows that for ten bucks on ebay????

The catch is "YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT" And I can already see you do....So buy the damned book, and start living........It is not really that particular book that works, it is the committment behind your reading it that works....So get it, and get laid bigtime like old Chuck.......:smthumbup:


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your girlfriend has told you that she has no interest in meeting your needs. So, you can accept being in a relationship where you meet her needs and she doesn't meet yours, or you can refuse to be in such a relationship.

If you refuse to be in such a relationship, then you should give your girlfriend a choice. Either she meets your needs, or you will find another woman who will.

One caveat here, though. You should work on yourself to make yourself as attractive as possible before giving her the ultimatum. If you are 100lbs overweight and unemployed, then she might not feel terribly bad about losing you. If you're in great shape with decent income and other prospects, then she might try a little harder to keep you around.

In the meantime, try to run a bit of a 180 on your girlfriend. You've tried to be nice, and then you've tried to be extra nice. She's not biting, so stop being so nice. Be polite, but aloof.
The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Just out of curiosity, why were you two never married?

Anyway, I'm a firm believer people don't just wake up and decide they don't want to have sex or not show affection to their spouse anymore. Something somewhere along the way happened. 

I'm sure her thyroid could play a role in this, (the sex drive part) but I think there is more to this. Maybe she just fell out of love with you? Generally women and being in love equals, sex, romance, and showing affection etc. She doesn't want any part of any of this. 

Im not sure what to tell you to do, other than either keep living this way or move on. Unless she is willing to tell you whats wrong or work on things for herself there's not much you can do.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What do you mean you took her off her meds? 
that just sounds really odd. 
Is she still getting her levels checked? How are they? 
My ex has a severe thyroid disorder. It's nothing to mess with. It can drastically change a person's personality. I would ask her why she won't be affectionate with you at all. That seems to be a more strange concerning issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

After having 3 kids, she has gained weight and doesn't feel as sexy anymore. She has a thyroid issue. Having the kids will alter her hormones and sex drive. There's also menopause. Raising 3 kids is a full time job!!!

She could do cardio at home, treadmill and some minor weights. She could go for power walks every day with a weighted back pack. She could even go to a woman's only gym, meet new friends and get out more.

Try totally surprising her with flowers, card, sweets before she wakes up. Do this once or more each month and see how she reacts.

Get a babysitter and go out for the weekend and do the things you both did together before the kids.

When my wife isn't in the mood for many weeks, to a month at a time, I fight the urge but I end up masturbating to porn to get it out of my system. She is supposed to take care of your sexual needs, 50 / 50 in any relationship and marriage and kids are very time consuming but still no excuse.

She has to do something about this. No sex for a man is relationship and marriage death.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

OP, I feel for your wife. I have tyroid issue too, my weight goes on and off- making huge efforts to keep it off. People who don't have this issue find hard to relate and understand. It affects the self-esteem and the libido and it can lead to depression. Sounds like your wife's case.

What can you do ? Unfortunately not much, than convince her to try counselling. Depression and low self-esteem due to weight gain are the culprit that killed your sexlife. But there is treatment. 

It seems to me that she has closed off to you, but I'm quite sure the reason is the above and not because she checked out. She needs help.


----------



## briansmith (Mar 2, 2013)

On the med issue she did have an endo doc for treating the thyroid issue. Problem is they were only treating the numbers and not the issues, in other words they did not care how she felt so long as the numbers were right. So its been up and down for years and after doing some real homework on treating hypo thyroid it turns out that for the most part people with thyroid problems are miss treated by their doctors. So we find out about natural thyroid supplements, actual bovine thyroid that you take and it treats the t4 and t3, t3 which your normal generic thyroid pills dont provide and doctors ignore. Well i took her off the prescribe thyroid meds and now she is on the natural and she says she feels better than she ever has but at the same time says its been so long she is not sure what feeling normal is. She gets labs done in a few weeks so it will be interesting to see what they show. we also got her on natural adrenal also as your adrenals take a beating with thyroid problems. Hopefully within the next few months her symptoms will go away and thing can get back to normal but in the mean time man its been rough. We just got into it again last night, its a vicious cycle of me being rejected and her thinking i should just deal with it, like im excepted to give 100% effort into dealing with the no sex, no affection issue and she puts in 0% into understanding my needs. Why cant it be 50/50, we have talked about this and she just wont budge, i say just give me a little love, im not asking for sex, i understand the lack of desire for it right now but giver just a little and it will help a hundred fold , meet me half way but all i get is a big fat no. She says she should not be expected to do things she does not want to do, yet im expected to comply with her needs.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

briansmith said:


> We just got into it again last night, its a vicious cycle of me being rejected and her thinking i should just deal with it, like im excepted to give 100% effort into dealing with the no sex, no affection issue and she puts in 0% into understanding my needs. Why cant it be 50/50, we have talked about this and she just wont budge, i say just give me a little love, im not asking for sex, i understand the lack of desire for it right now but giver just a little and it will help a hundred fold , meet me half way but all i get is a big fat no. She says she should not be expected to do things she does not want to do, yet im expected to comply with her needs.


This unfortunately is the reality. LD people always win in the end and we compromise, read books, talk more, surprises, cuddle, you name it and we get little to nothing in the end.

She is being very selfish. Who cares that she does not want to have sex. She isn't meeting your sexual needs and not even 50 / 50. She has a problem and blaming it all on her thyroid becomes a good excuse........


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm sorry... a woman doesn't loose her brain or her love when she looses her sex drive... she ought to have enough memory to empathize to the JOY and fulfullment it brings to her man - to continue to GIVE in the sexual....similar to cuddling with her children watching a movie...or showing comfort...she may not "feel like doing these things" but understanding our loved ones still need us shouldn't be thrown out the window suddenly. I just see that as cruelty, no wonder you are so ticked off.
> 
> If she can not understand how you feel in this... why should you understand her...she is shutting you down like you are nothing to her... there is a limit to "acceptance" of such carelessness..and coldness.


Depression would do this.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Depression would do this.


Hypothroidism causes major depression if not controlled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

briansmith said:


> On the med issue she did have an endo doc for treating the thyroid issue. Problem is they were only treating the numbers and not the issues, in other words they did not care how she felt so long as the numbers were right. So its been up and down for years and after doing some real homework on treating hypo thyroid it turns out that for the most part people with thyroid problems are miss treated by their doctors. So we find out about natural thyroid supplements, actual bovine thyroid that you take and it treats the t4 and t3, t3 which your normal generic thyroid pills dont provide and doctors ignore. Well i took her off the prescribe thyroid meds and now she is on the natural and she says she feels better than she ever has but at the same time says its been so long she is not sure what feeling normal is. She gets labs done in a few weeks so it will be interesting to see what they show. we also got her on natural adrenal also as your adrenals take a beating with thyroid problems. Hopefully within the next few months her symptoms will go away and thing can get back to normal but in the mean time man its been rough. We just got into it again last night, its a vicious cycle of me being rejected and her thinking i should just deal with it, like im excepted to give 100% effort into dealing with the no sex, no affection issue and she puts in 0% into understanding my needs. Why cant it be 50/50, we have talked about this and she just wont budge, i say just give me a little love, im not asking for sex, i understand the lack of desire for it right now but giver just a little and it will help a hundred fold , meet me half way but all i get is a big fat no. She says she should not be expected to do things she does not want to do, yet im expected to comply with her needs.


This has been my experiece as well, it is hard to find a endocrinologist that will work with you to control the symptoms. Keep in mind even on the natural animal hormone it can tal 6 to 8 months for her system to fully adjust. She may no show improvement right away. It actually sounds like she is still suffering from depression, low libido and fatigue all symptoms of hypo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

