# Has my wife lost her sex drive or is this natural?



## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

Hi all

I am 46 and my wife is 48, been married for 20 yrs, with two teenage sons.

Last year we both concluded that my wife have the IUD removed and for me to have the snip. So we did.

After that my desire for sex increased, probably psychological in that I was free to have as much sex as possible without any contraceptive which we did and were indulging about 3-4 times a week.

However over the past few months we have been going through some turmoil in our marriage and I believe this has paid a toll on my wife's sex drive in that we now only indulge once a week, which on some of the occasions it's just sex. In that she doesn't want foreplay and for me to bring her to a climax. She is just doing it for me, however on other occasions it's great.

When she doesn't wish me to help her to climax I feel rejected and can't understand why she doesn't want to participate fully

During the period between our full sex activities she does give me oral sex if I ask

Perhaps it's me in that I have an over active sex drive because I would love it every day of the week, or is it natural for a woman of that age, for her sex drive to lessen.

Or thirdly am I just over reacting and that's how it is for most couples.

Thanks in advance
Chris


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gorhad said:


> Hi all
> 
> I am 46 and my wife is 48, been married for 20 yrs, with two teenage sons.
> 
> ...


Chris its not just you. Basically your wife no longer desires you for sex and it has become a chore. She only does it because you ask her to do it and get BJ in-between this is building resentment in fact resentment is how you got her most likely.

I do believe that once you get 'snipped' the sex goes down... I think its sub-conscious but without sperm swimming in her her body starts to look at sex with you as unfufilling in fact sperm and testosterone make a female want sex because her body is tuned to receive it. 

I have no expertise in this area medically but it makes sense also the midlife factor... face it to her sex is boring and sex with you is boring. Been there done that.

I would educate her and work the resentment angle hopefully things will improve.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

The fact that you've recently had turmoil in your marriage is probably a large part of it. Some women are extremely sensitive to that, and need things to be okay in the relationship and in their hearts before they can really connect sexually again.


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

thanks for your reply soulpatato appreciate it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

What kind of turmoil? It very well could be causing her drive to decrease, as soulpotato stated. Also, it's possible her hormones are going up and down like a rollercoaster right now due to menopause, if she hasn't already gone through it.


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

im so glad i have found this forum i will post a short form explantion of whats been goin on shortly. Thanks guys i really appreciate it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you're making a tab bit too much out of her decreasing sex drive. The fact that she is still open to sex with you, even though she clearly isn't in the mood herself, speakers volumes about her continued care and concern for you.

If she stopped drinking coffee, but still made it for you each morning would you be feeling rejected? I know it's not EXACTLY the same thing but when one persons sexual desire decreases, while another persons desire increases, what alternatives exist but a compromise?

It seems like there is a deeper question you haven't asked, why is your wife's sexual desire decreasing and does it have to do with her sexual attraction toward you?

A woman's libido is a highly complicated system!!!! How she feels about herself, physically and emotionally, how she feels about how YOU feel about her, her fatigue level and her hormones all play varying degrees of important roles in a woman's libido. What worked last week might not work this week. Stress is a libido killer for lots of women.

Ask her?


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

All the recent turmoil in our marriage has solely been caused via me. Examples; heavy drinking, verbal abuse, possessiveness, dictatorship etc

I have no idea why I do it, she has never given me any reason at all during our 20 yrs of marriage for me to act like this.

It mainly happens when I drink too much I seem to lose control of my thoughts and actions and begin my campaign of being a complete bas***d to her.

Thing is although this maybe unbelievable, I love her so much and when her desire for sex decreased I began to question myself and then the onslaught of nastiness was unleashed.
Feelings I have
Insecurity
Unworthy
Cant fulfill her sexual desire

All the feelings I have about myself are about me and me only, therefore one thing that comes to mind are the words "I'm a selfish bas***d"

I am obsessed with sex and feel when she isn't fully interested that I'm not doing my job in bed properly and can't satisfy her, when in reality she is probably just tired of all the crap I give her plus as you mentioned before at the moment she is most likely on a roller coaster with her own feelings and hormones due to menopause. she is experiencing hot flashes, mood swings, irregular cycles etc.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I think therapy would be a good thing. Both IC and MC - IC to figure out and resolve what's going on with you, and MC to correct anything going awry with your relationship with your wife (and repair any damage already done). Best way to preserve the marriage. You don't want things to get to the point that you lose her, which may eventually happen if this current course goes unchecked.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

gorhad said:


> All the recent turmoil in our marriage has solely been caused via me. Examples; heavy drinking, verbal abuse, possessiveness, dictatorship etc
> 
> I have no idea why I do it, she has never given me any reason at all during our 20 yrs of marriage for me to act like this.
> 
> ...


OP I think you need to focus on your drinking issues first. Its also feeding your inseurities.
Communicate with your W and find out what she is going through herself.Its probably a combination of her menopause and the arguments you both have. But drinking like that is certainly not helping the two of you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You admittedly act like a [email protected] to your wife. You admittedly are a verbally abusive drunk. And you can't imagine why she isn't all hot for you? 

Seriously?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It's your attitude towards her that decreased her drive. I'm surprised if she have sex with you at all by the way you treat her. 

You want sex? Start respecting your wife and stop treating her like sh1t! Also, quit drinking.


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

yes your right im also surprised she is even still with me. I have cut my drinking down to half. Thanks all for your advice. I know its me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Seriously? You post a question wondering why your wife "indulges" you with sex only once a week, and doesn't always seem interested in her own orgasmic experience and you lament the fact that your recent vasectomy has freed your sexual urges as hers have slowed down, all while gently alluding to the facts of your 3 rd post in which in admit to being an abusing controlling drunken *******? Seriously?

Newsflash Mr. Brilliant!

1. A womans sex drive begins in her brain. While hormones play a role, they don't trump a romantic emotional connection with someone they find both attractive AND trustworthy! You have clearly been neither!

2. Your insecurities may be your excuse for unleashing your inner demons on her, but they are also HIGHLY unattractive and over a period of time they become just pathetic! Not something that makes a girls panties wet!

3. Your admitted obsession with sex indicates extreme selfishness. Why the hell would a woman want to spread her legs for a selfish prick?

Second Newsflash! Here's what you need to do.

1. Stop drinking entirely! Today!
2. OWN your sh!t. This means you keep your mouth shut when the impulse to criticize or control comes along. This means you practice empathy by understanding how you have damaged her concept of love over the last 20 years. This means you put HER FIRST!
3. Take her out for fun and romance at least once a week.
4. Bring home little gifts or trinkets you might find during your day, just to show her you are thinking about HER and not YOUR d!ck.
5. Give her five, yes 5, compliments that are sincere and from your heart every single day.
6. Be lovingly affectionate. Affection because you care about her not because you want to get laid. A woman knows the difference, but after being married to you she may have forgotten.

I apologize for being so harsh, but you sound as if you need a good slap to wake you up before it is too late!


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

no sometimes harshness is worth its weight in gold. Thankyou
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gorhad (Jun 29, 2013)

1. Stop drinking entirely! Today! I have cut down to half the previous intake

2. OWN your sh!t. This means you keep your mouth shut when the impulse to criticize or control comes along. This means you practice empathy by understanding how you have damaged her concept of love over the last 20 years. This means you put HER FIRST! This one i have to implement

3. Take her out for fun and romance at least once a week. We have been going out on our own and yes once a week for movies and dinner

4. Bring home little gifts or trinkets you might find during your day, just to show her you are thinking about HER and not YOUR d!ck. Again i need to work on this one

5. Give her five, yes 5, compliments that are sincere and from your heart every single day. I send here texts and tell her i love her numerous times a day, i send hearts kisses. I tell her she looks gorgeous as often as i can etc

6. Be lovingly affectionate. Affection because you care about her not because you want to get laid. A woman knows the difference, but after being married to you she may have forgotten. We kiss often and hold hands all the time while sitting watching TV. I even kiss her on my way out to work and tell her i love her 

I realise i am a ****head and definatlry want to keep my wife You may not believe this but i love her to death. I know there are things i have to work on

Thankyou for your advice


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