# Caught husband texting another woman



## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Hi everyone,

Husband and I have been having major marital problems for a while (have other threads here in the forum) and it escalated to him wanting a divorce and him signing the papers.

Anyway, to make a long story short; he gave me a proposal the other day; let’s start counseling and take it from there and see how it goes. If we won’t improve after 6 months, we make a decision to leave each other in a respectful manner”. I agreed. We had our first therapy session last week. Went well.

Anyway, fast forward; yesterday evening I was sitting next to him on the couch, and helped him type something on his phone, when suddenly a message popped up from a girl! He was super fast to scroll away the notification. And then hell sort off got loose…I kind of freaked. I asked himwho she is and demanded to seethe message! He refused abs said it’s private! She’s a friend of his he claimed!
(I have never heard her name before!)

Anyway, I screamed and insisted to see those messages Now! He told me that he would like to go through their messages first! That just upset me even more!
After 30 min he finally gave in, but only under the condition that he was holding the phone! He kept scrolling so fast in the messages and I tried to hold myself as I knew that he would stop showing me if I would freak out while he showed them to me. But it seemed very clearly that he was super nervous about if there was something that shouldn’t be read, and he therefore tried to scroll fastso he could get a chance to read first. On top of that he was holding the phone away from me, which made it so difficult for me to be able to read it! The whole thing just seemed super suspicious abs extremely uncomfortable to me!

Anyway, background; this woman is a fitness athlete. She’s competing in bikini fitness. My husband is a workout freak too. He goes to the gym on a daily basis and have been doing so ever since he was a teen. He’s now 35. He has a very good physic.

Suddenly I see messages where she’s writing him: “it feels so good to talk to you, you make me feel so comfortable” his respond; “feelings are mutual”. !!
Further down; they are scheduling what exercises to do together. Even further down; he gave her a complement: “thank you so much for the compliment today. It means a lot when coming from you!” Him: “when you work hard, you should be told. I am just saying what everyone else are thinking” Her: “but you’re not just “anyone””. They sent each other messages throughout the day, messages of what they eat. And what they do
After this I couldn’t hold myself anymore!

I was devastated and furious! I screamed at him why he would do this o me! He’s known me for 7 year and KNOWS that infidelity is a complete no-go, that such thing would break me and I would never be able to go on from there!
He decided immediately to delete all the messages! Just makes it more worse! Now I won’t ever know what was written further down.

I have made it clear that I can not go on from here! I am so emotionally destroyed!

He has been trying to convince me that there’s absolutely nothing in these messages except for friendship and the love of the sport/the workout sport. That his complement was given due to her upcoming competition so he told her from a fitness point of view that she really got it now! And that she looks good and ready for the stage! something along those lines.

He says to give him some credit, that she’s not his type at all! And that he would never do such thing to me! That he understands how it looks like, and that he’s very sorry. But that there’s nothing in it.

He told me that he doesn’t have any make workout buddies (his reply to my comment of why the hell to chose a female “friend” to be a fitness buddy). It’s such a BS, my husband is extremely outgoing, speaks to everyone at the gym, and has so many male acquaintances in this field! So why have a lady friend, when you have a wife at home.

Mind you, that during our really bad times (cf my last post) he wrote me “do not expect me to be faithful anymore”. Back then I thought he might be writing that since he knows that cheatings is something that makes me freak out and throw a reaction and that’s maybe what he was aiming for back then. But now, now looking back; this message of his was sent to me (during a text discussion) on the 18th. of December. And his abs her messages started on the 17th of December. …..,

I confronted him with this and he keeps saying that I have to believe that he never touched her at all! Or anyone else for that matter!

But I have such a hard time letting go of this!

At this point it has nothing to do about only her…it has something to do with that I do not believe I’ll be able to ever trust him again. I’ll constantly worry who’s he writing with!!? And who’s he meeting with at the gym!?! It is so uncomfortable!!

I will never know if they also shared more physical things together… but all I know is that I see this as emotional cheating.

While I have been home with our small children he has been working out with a strange girl! 💔💔

How would you have reacted?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

It sounds like he was working on replacing you, while waiting you out on the divorce demands.
Cheating spouses only admit to what they were caught doing. They will never tell you the truth.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I would sign those divorce papers and be done with this. He doesn't really want to reconcile.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your therapy sessions are not going to be able to work, because they are based on your honesty and your husband's dishonesty.

It's like a patient lying to the surgeon before having an operation claiming that, yes, they gave up smoking like the surgeon told them too. Whilst in reality still smoking 60 a day. They die on the operating table and your marriage dies in the therapist's office because of silly lies told by your husband.


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## F118 (Dec 24, 2021)

Ask yourself this…Is your sanity worth staying with someone you can’t trust?
I have been in your shoes, I have forgiven and tried to move forward .. but I noticed that I was losing a piece of me, my mental health was declining because I could not trust my husband… I would constantly be thinking of what he would do next… that’s so unhealthy..

I suggest you take some time to yourself and work on you. Take him out of the picture and regain clarity on your values, your worth, and make a decision from there…


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

F118 said:


> Ask yourself this…Is your sanity worth staying with someone you can’t trust?
> I have been in your shoes, I have forgiven and tried to move forward .. but I noticed that I was losing a piece of me, my mental health was declining because I could not trust my husband… I would constantly be thinking of what he would do next… that’s so unhealthy..
> 
> I suggest you take some time to yourself and work on you. Take him out of the picture and regain clarity on your values, your worth, and make a decision from there…


Thank you so much! May I ask what was the cause in your case? 
He keeps reassuring me that there absolutely weren’t anything in those messages. That this woman looks like a man (she has lots of muscles, she’s a bikini athlete by, although he loves the look of muscles on both men and women) He claimed that they were solely texting about gym, exercises and substances (!)
But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are so freaking controlling and insecure! Lots of men go to the gym and have bikini fitness models for workout buddies! Geez, why do you have to go crazy over innocent little messages????

sorry, yeah dump him. He’s a serial cheater. That’s why he stays in the gym so much… the fishing is really good there. Apparently he’s got quite a whopper nibbling at his lure. He has no intention of ever changing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Strawberry1984 said:



He keeps reassuring me that there absolutely weren’t anything in those messages.

Click to expand...

*LOL. That's why he panicked when you first saw them, right? That's also why he fought you and refused to let you see them, then you finally wore him down and he agreed to scroll through them - HALF AN HOUR LATER - so fast that you could barely read them, all while HE held the phone. What a lying sack of ****.

And then he DELETES them all because he knew there was plenty of crap in the ones you *hadn't *been able to read while the screen scrolled by at 90 mph, and he's not an idiot. He may be a scumbag, but he's not an idiot. Why would he hand you more nails for his coffin if he doesn't have to?

I find it hysterical that he claims the texts were as pure as the driven snow and ONLY about working out and the gym - yet he had to delete them so you wouldn't see them.

You are married to SUCH a lying, cheating scumbag.

Yeah, there's nothing going on _*there*_, no siree. You're imagining the WHOLE thing.

*



But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??

Click to expand...

*Are you asking this as a *serious* question?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

This seems straight forward. His assurances about the messages mean nothing. He had the perfect opportunity to let you see the messages and prove there was nothing. He controlled your access and then deleted. Those are not the actions of an innocent person. He would not let you touch his phone. What else was on there that he did not want to risk you finding? He is not being honest. He is almost certainly cheating on some level. You know this. The question is what are you going to do about it?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Thank you so much! May I ask what was the cause in your case?
> He keeps reassuring me that there absolutely weren’t anything in those messages. That this woman looks like a man (she has lots of muscles, she’s a bikini athlete by, although he loves the look of muscles on both men and women) He claimed that they were solely texting about gym, exercises and substances (!)
> But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??


People with nothing to hide, hide nothing! If those messages were plutonic, he would have had no issue with you reading them. Oh.....in the future, don't fall for a gym rat. They don't call them rats for no reason.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Strawberry1984 said:


> I confronted him with this and he keeps saying that I have to believe that he never touched her at all! Or anyone else for that matter!


Very careful wording on his part. "You have to believe." 

Not that he didn't do it. Just that you have to believe that he didn't do it. Otherwise his whole house of lies comes crumbling down.

Consult a lawyer, because you don't have a marriage anymore.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*A slightly different take on things. *If you’re going to scream first (react viscerally) and think later, you’ll lose everything. You’ll lose the ability to get to the bottom of anything because at the first sign of an issue, he’s going to go underground and destroy the evidence. You’ll lose stealth, so he’ll always be able to know where you’re going, while you don’t know what’s going on with him.

It’s not easy but my advice is to calm down and spend more time thinking and less time immediately reacting.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Only question that I have is why two different threads?
Isn't texting basically writing?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm just going to post the answer I gave you on your other thread over here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*


Strawberry1984 said:



He keeps reassuring me that there absolutely weren’t anything in those messages.

Click to expand...

*LOL. That's why he panicked when you first saw them, right? That's also why he fought you and refused to let you see them, then you finally wore him down and he agreed to scroll through them - HALF AN HOUR LATER - so fast that you could barely read them, all while HE held the phone. What a lying sack of ****.

And then he DELETES them all because he knew there was plenty of crap in the ones you *hadn't *been able to read while the screen scrolled by at 90 mph, and he's not an idiot. He may be a scumbag, but he's not an idiot. Why would he hand you more nails for his coffin if he doesn't have to?

I find it hysterical that he claims the texts were as pure as the driven snow and ONLY about working out and the gym - yet he had to delete them so you wouldn't see them.

You are married to SUCH a lying, cheating scumbag.

Yeah, there's nothing going on _*there*_, no siree. You're imagining the WHOLE thing.

*



But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??

Click to expand...

*Are you asking this as a *serious* question?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divorce.

But, you most likely won't, and things will continue to be awful.

If you were truly offended by what happened, you would automatically be doing that.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Strawberry1984 said:


> But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??


You forgot to ask "why did he delete all of them immediately after quickly scrolling through them while holding the phone away so you could barely see them".

You already know the answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Strawberry1984 , 

You had two threads on this exact topic. I merged them to this thread. It's best to have one thread on a topic as you will get better input this way.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Thank you so much! May I ask what was the cause in your case?
> He keeps reassuring me that there absolutely weren’t anything in those messages. That this woman looks like a man (she has lots of muscles, she’s a bikini athlete by, although he loves the look of muscles on both men and women) He claimed that they were solely texting about gym, exercises and substances (!)
> But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??


Is he willing to quit going to that gym and to never ever contact that woman again?
If not, then divorce him!

If those messages were that innocent he would have given you his phone, he’s lying.


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## F118 (Dec 24, 2021)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Thank you so much! May I ask what was the cause in your case?
> He keeps reassuring me that there absolutely weren’t anything in those messages. That this woman looks like a man (she has lots of muscles, she’s a bikini athlete by, although he loves the look of muscles on both men and women) He claimed that they were solely texting about gym, exercises and substances (!)
> But why in the world was I then not allowed to see these messages at first? Why did he want to review them first??


My case is complicated and a very long story. My marriage has been full of lies, and I made the mistake of believing them. 
Your husband is lying..if there was nothing to hide he would have shown you those messages with no problem.
Sometimes you have to accept the hard truth and take what you see in a person’s actions the first time as their true self. I’m telling you now, get away. It’s not worth it.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are so freaking controlling and insecure! Lots of men go to the gym and have bikini fitness models for workout buddies! Geez, why do you have to go crazy over innocent little messages????
> 
> sorry, yeah dump him. He’s a serial cheater. That’s why he stays in the gym so much… the fishing is really good there. Apparently he’s got quite a whopper nibbling at his lure. He has no intention of ever changing.


What gym are you going to? Because the gym that I work out at is full of a bunch fatties like me, trying to sweat off the aggravation of the day


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Strawberry1984 How are things?


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## Night Owl1 (Nov 6, 2020)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Husband and I have been having major marital problems for a while (have other threads here in the forum) and it escalated to him wanting a divorce and him signing the papers.
> 
> ...


I think , all things considered, your reaction was tame. If your inner Goddess is telling you he’s cheating, believe her! She knows!
So, you have options….
1) get dressed and go enjoy the gym. Show him you can be a fitness friend too… couples that do things together and date each other ( even being married) tend to stay together 
2) counseling. You absolutely need it. For you and your children. He should go too, if there’s any chance of saving the marriage 
3) have your own lawyer to assist you with the divorce, should you plan to proceed with it 
4) if you separate, make sure you’re residing in different places. It’s safer for you. 
5) if you plan on staying together, relocating to a new area is helpful. People won’t know your business.
6) limit what you tell family and friends. The gossip can be devastating, especially if you’re wanting to stay married 
Best of luck. I was married for 33years. Survived 3 affairs & his last affair was the straw that broke everything. It was the hardest thing I ever did. On the other hand, a dear friend of mine had the same problem, they decided to work it out. They moved. They both wanted to stay together. They’re still married 40+years with 2 grown successful children. 
di what’s best for you and a decision you can live with. We only have one life.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

You are allowing yourself to be distracted. You are in counseling and he is not attending in good faith because he is secretly texting and meeting up with another woman. FULL STOP. 

You are not crazy. He is not being up front. No need to review the texts or hold the phone if it is all on the up and up. He is minimizing. 

Sadly, the "we will see in 6 months" line about counseling was him cueing that he was not entering counseling with clear mind to resolve your problems. The marriage was over then. Sorry you wasted your time. Get him out of the house. He has broken the marital trust. You can figure out what is next once he is out. Maybe he will wake up. For sure you will go one round of "please take me back" when the bikini athlete decides his gym shorts don't smell so good.

Good luck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP hasn't posted since December 26th. Where is that zombie kitty, @MattMatt? Probably snoozing on top of the refrigerator.


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## Strawberry1984 (Dec 27, 2020)

Hello everyone. I’m sorry, I didn’t see your latest replies.
I just made a new post. Things are super confusing. He isn’t living w me and our kids anymore (for over 1 month now). 
Within that time he came to the realization that he’s missing me and wants therapy. Things are a little more deeper than that; we’ve had an extremely conflicted relationship, for years. Both lost all trust and respect. Yet, my trust is mainly emotionally, while his seems to mainly be on the financial part. He wants a prenup, and then we can proceed he’s saying. If things will go well, and we are progressing in therapy,we can arrange it so we gradually get to a point where I will have some”share” in his economy, he says..
Things have went well (relatively) the past few weeks, but as stated in my newest post I feel like he’s not being fully honest with me..


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Strawberry1984 said:


> Hello everyone. I’m sorry, I didn’t see your latest replies.
> I just made a new post. Things are super confusing. He isn’t living w me and our kids anymore (for over 1 month now).
> Within that time he came to the realization that he’s missing me and wants therapy. Things are a little more deeper than that; we’ve had an extremely conflicted relationship, for years. Both lost all trust and respect. Yet, my trust is mainly emotionally, while his seems to mainly be on the financial part. He wants a prenup, and then we can proceed he’s saying. If things will go well, and we are progressing in therapy,we can arrange it so we gradually get to a point where I will have some”share” in his economy, he says..
> Things have went well (relatively) the past few weeks, but as stated in my newest post I feel like he’s not being fully honest with me..


So.... He's cheating, treating you like crap and he wants a prenup. Remind us again WHY you'd want to be with him? I hope you didn't agree to unfavorable terms in the divorce because then you can move forward? YOu know that's a standard trap too right?

I think you should make sure the divorce reflects what you'd want it to reflect if you were going to be divorced. Second in this prenup is he going to pay you to be a stay at home mum? Is he going to pay for the household chores I 'm sure you do for him?

But let's go back.... Why do you want to reconcile with someone who doesn't respect you?
He stays out all night most likely cheating but at the least with no communication and you are just supposed to wait?

In your other post he lives with you and sleeps in your bed. So he's get the benefits of a wife and mother but doesn't offer you much other than financial support. I don't know what your countries child support looks like but I hope you have talked with YOUR own attorney before settling any of this stuff.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Strawberry, there’s a very high probability he is cheating on you. If you take him back he will do it again.

I’d say dump the animal.


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