# Just Wondering



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

` Ok this is kinda new and weird to me, it's my first post and I really never thought that I would have to try and get emotional support from anyone for my marriage. However, I am lost and have no idea what to do anymore. First off, I love my husband ssooo much, he is a good dad to our kids and 60% of the time he is a great husband. He works hard at his job to provide for his family and everybody sees him as a very respectable person. The thing is, he tends to talk down to me a lot, and when we fight, even if in my mind I _know that he did something wrong, he makes me feel like it was all my fault and I'm being irrational. I am on anti-depressants because they do help me control anger and crying and all that good stuff, and for a while things were fine and then I found out about somebody he was talking to over the internet, saying things in messages to her that he had never said to me, he was so sweet and complimentary, totally unrecognizable to me. At first it was "all my fault", of course, but then he took responsibility for it and apologized and said it would never happen again and so on. Anywho since that's happened as much as I want to move on I can't....as much as I told him I trusted him and I love him....I don't trust him at all, and I don't know how to get it back....before anybody answers, if anyone answers, he is completely unresponsive to talking, if I talk to him he either ignores me or turns it around to be my fault somehow, so, while that limits advice, that's my situation in a nutshell.....Anybody that has advice please let me know._


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If he can "make" you feel like something is your fault, then there's a little bit in you that believes him. He's just playing on that little bit of doubt in you. You have to become more confident in how you feel. If you know 100% that you are right, then he wont be able to make you feel any differently. 

If you have tried talking to him and he wont respond then you have to start thinking about how to heal your heart without his help. This may mean you have to emotionally separate from him and go to counseling (if you're not already). You may need to separate from him physically. You can keep your mind busy by finding a new hobby or passion. 

You might consider what your H needs to do for you to have a little hope in the marriage. mine was that my H had to go to counseling and put a program on his computer so i could see all his activity. I couldnt stay if he wouldnt do that because i had to have some hope that things would get better. I also had to do many things for myself to give me some hope for the marriage. i had to work on becoming more independent and more emotionally balanced. Find out what would give you hope in the marriage and if those things can be met. If not, you have to consider how long you want to live this way.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, makes a lot of sense, something I will have to try to do for sure


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## bingofuel (Jan 27, 2011)

One thing to keep in mind is that it is FAR easier to communicate via text online than it is to talk to someone face to face. Why do you think these forums are so popular? One has the luxury of thinking out every sentence prior to communicating it, and then there's always the delete key. What was the nature of the dialog? Was it flirty/romantic, or was it more friendly??


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

bingofuel said:


> One thing to keep in mind is that it is FAR easier to communicate via text online than it is to talk to someone face to face. Why do you think these forums are so popular? One has the luxury of thinking out every sentence prior to communicating it, and then there's always the delete key. What was the nature of the dialog? Was it flirty/romantic, or was it more friendly??


Very flirty and very romantic, that alone made me cry more than the actual EA itself because he has never been that way with me, not that I haven't tried to get him to be, I would send him flirty text messages at times and get no response, so when I found that it hurt 10 times more.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GreenEyes said:


> Very flirty and very romantic, that alone made me cry more than the actual EA itself because he has never been that way with me, not that I haven't tried to get him to be, I would send him flirty text messages at times and get no response, so when I found that it hurt 10 times more.


 im so sorry. i can imagine how much that would hurt. ive come to realize that my H has never felt as passionately about me as I did him. I love him and i think he likes me, but has never really loved me. Its hard because he's all i ever wanted and he is ideal to me, but i know im not his ideal. he's not that into me physically speaking. its something ive been thinking about a lot lately. do you stay with someone that is your ideal even though you arent their ideal? its not an easy thing to answer.


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## bingofuel (Jan 27, 2011)

I think that falls under the betrayal category. I 'm not sure full trust can ever be recovered. Thankfully, I have never had to deal with that.
How, may I ask did you find out about the e-mails? How sure are you that they have ceased?
If there is one thing I can be sure of it's that both parties need to be involved equally in relationship recovery or it just will not work. No one is ever completely devoid of fault. If he wants it to work, he should be willing to do what it takes to remedy his mistakes. This, I'm afraid is beyond your control. I can somewhat relate...


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Blanca said:


> im so sorry. i can imagine how much that would hurt. ive come to realize that my H has never felt as passionately about me as I did him. I love him and i think he likes me, but has never really loved me. Its hard because he's all i ever wanted and he is ideal to me, but i know im not his ideal. he's not that into me physically speaking. its something ive been thinking about a lot lately. do you stay with someone that is your ideal even though you arent their ideal? its not an easy thing to answer.


What you just explained is how I feel too. I feel like I will never fully live up to his standards and expectations. Oh I am so in love with him, he is, excuse the phrase, the man of my dreams. But I just never feel the same feelings from him. I feel like he resents me and he is bitter toward me for some reason. I feel like he could never look at me the way I look at him.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

bingofuel said:


> I think that falls under the betrayal category. I 'm not sure full trust can ever be recovered. Thankfully, I have never had to deal with that.
> How, may I ask did you find out about the e-mails? How sure are you that they have ceased?
> If there is one thing I can be sure of it's that both parties need to be involved equally in relationship recovery or it just will not work. No one is ever completely devoid of fault. If he wants it to work, he should be willing to do what it takes to remedy his mistakes. This, I'm afraid is beyond your control. I can somewhat relate...


I had a feeling something was going on and so I went home early from work one day while he was still at work and checked into his cookies and whatnot on the computer, saw he had been accessing an email account that I didn't know he had so I "broke into" it and found all the emails in the deleted section, he forgot to delete them after he deleted them...Talk about feeling like you were punched in the stomach, it sucked so bad...I really would love to work on this together and make it through stronger than we ever were, but so far it just isn't working that way....


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

He's not accepting responsibility for his part in this marriage. If you stay with him, it's highly likely you're going to shoulder the whole emotional burden of the entire marriage. I am simply unable to fathom how his talking to someone else on the internet is YOUR fault. He's too willing to blameshift here. 

All this talking down to you..he doesn't see you as his equal in any sense of the word. Especially when it comes to love. It really sounds like you're way more into him than he is into you. And I'm really, really sorry for that. 

It's really hard to get through to a man like this. They won't talk, and they won't listen to anything you have to say. They just don't CARE enough to. Is he some sort of narcissist? Makes me wonder. At any rate, are you willing to shoulder the entire responsibility of the relationship? He's going to keep giving you what you've been getting. 

I am so sorry. I truly am.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

major misfit said:


> He's not accepting responsibility for his part in this marriage. If you stay with him, it's highly likely you're going to shoulder the whole emotional burden of the entire marriage. I am simply unable to fathom how his talking to someone else on the internet is YOUR fault. He's too willing to blameshift here.
> 
> All this talking down to you..he doesn't see you as his equal in any sense of the word. Especially when it comes to love. It really sounds like you're way more into him than he is into you. And I'm really, really sorry for that.
> 
> ...


He is an extremely good looking man. He is built his face is gorgeous and he receives all kinds of attention when he is anywhere, and he knows it and I think that has the tendency to go to one's head after a certain amount of time. It's funny how you said that because I thought of our relationship as being like that movie He's Just Not That Into You the other day. 

After about a day or so after I found out what he had been doing he did accept that he had been the one that had done wrong and apologized for it. But that is a rare instance, usually any fight we get in, any time I am upset, 9 1/2 times out of 10 it's "my fault". And my belief is that everybody in this world has their breaking point and I am no different than every other person in this world...One day I will either wake up and say I am sooo glad we made it or This is enough....I really hope it's the former.....


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## bingofuel (Jan 27, 2011)

Ouch. His unwillingness to talk will makes it impossible for things between you to improve. You will only suffer more if you expend all your thoughts and energy towards it. Early on, when my wife and I were beginning to have problems, it took a third party to open my eyes to the problem and begin discussing it. Are you in good with his mother? Maybe a mutual friend?


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

bingofuel said:


> One thing to keep in mind is that it is FAR easier to communicate via text online than it is to talk to someone face to face. One has the luxury of thinking out every sentence prior to communicating it, and then there's always the delete key.


:iagree: 100%


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

bingofuel said:


> Ouch. His unwillingness to talk will makes it impossible for things between you to improve. You will only suffer more if you expend all your thoughts and energy towards it. Early on, when my wife and I were beginning to have problems, it took a third party to open my eyes to the problem and begin discussing it. Are you in good with his mother? Maybe a mutual friend?


I believe I am a lost cause haha his mom has talked to him, his sisters, maybe even his brother. I have asked him if he would do marriage counseling with me, but that was met with a very definite no. I know anybody's thoughts reading this would be Is she blind???? I am one of those people that will exhaust EVERY option, every avenue that I can before I will call it quits, and I'll know when and if the day comes when that happens....I'm a fighter I guess...I fight for what I want, but I also know when to bow out and admit defeat.


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## bingofuel (Jan 27, 2011)

What does he want from you, do you even know?
Maybe the dreaded last resort is in order, then-- the ultimatum. If you feel you have exhausted all other options, then this is the last. It may very well jolt him out of his funk. If it doesn't, then you are no worse off than you are now. How much longer can you live this way? If you continue down the road you are on, you will drive yourself mad. Find the courage to stand up for yourself!


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

bingofuel said:


> What does he want from you, do you even know?
> Maybe the dreaded last resort is in order, then-- the ultimatum. If you feel you have exhausted all other options, then this is the last. It may very well jolt him out of his funk. If it doesn't, then you are no worse off than you are now. How much longer can you live this way? If you continue down the road you are on, you will drive yourself mad. Find the courage to stand up for yourself!


Ya know I ask myself that all the time, "what does he want from me", the answer to that is I have no idea. I know from what he says what he wants, but it seems that I never quite live up to the expectations, or at least I feel that I don't because there is always something else. Thanks for taking the time to think about this!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

GreenEyes said:


> Ya know I ask myself that all the time, "what does he want from me", the answer to that is I have no idea. I know from what he says what he wants, but it seems that I never quite live up to the expectations, or at least I feel that I don't because there is always something else. Thanks for taking the time to think about this!


thats a typical response, you ask, they say, but is what they say what they really mean ?
How do you know, you don't, which is the real kicker


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> thats a typical response, you ask, they say, but is what they say what they really mean ?
> How do you know, you don't, which is the real kicker


I know, I'm one of those people that say what I think. If he asks if I'm mad, if I am I say yes, if he says why I give him the most honest answer that I can give, I don't play games, we are adults with children, you ask I'll tell you. Unfortunately not all people operate that way. I'm sure my openess and bluntness may annoy him, but people not being direct with me gets to me.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

GreenEyes said:


> He is an extremely good looking man. He is built his face is gorgeous and he receives all kinds of attention when he is anywhere, and he knows it
> 
> 
> Look at yourself in the mirror. I bet you are a beautiful woman, smart, sweet, and funny woman.
> I have no advice just wanted to say sorry. I do have advice, but saying would make me sound like a she-devil.


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