# Sexless Marriage



## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

I have seen many posts from couples who haven't had sex for years and this is also my issue. My husband has been suffering from erectile dysfunction for about 8 years now. We have attempted sex about 4 times in those 8 years but it wasn't successful. He went to the doctor once who told him to exercise and lose weight but of course he wasn't going to have a doctor dictate his weight loss. He refuses to help himself and I don't want to be a nursemaid in the future to someone who falls ill because he won't take care of himself. 

I feel so bad about this situation because I just turned 64 and he is only 55 years old. Before anyone assumes that I am an old looking woman, let me say I have always stayed trim and fit and looked younger than my age. I know he has never cheated so that's not the issue here. I am just simply very sad and contemplating my next step. I hate to say it but most days we don't even sleep in the same bed. There have been no kisses for a long time and I feel like I live with a stranger most days. He spends all his evenings reading news articles on the computer and posting on FB. We don't talk or even eat together. Absolutely no meaningful interaction at all ever! If it weren't for my son coming to pick me up and take me out, I would have no social life at all. He hates to interact with my children (not his, he has none) or my family. He started out by being a bit reserved and I could live with that, but now he is just plain anti-social. I thought I would be married for the rest of my life but now I don't know. I'd hate to throw 18 years out the window; but I don't see any other option right now? Help! What should I do?


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

So by your count ten years were ok. Or were they. So what happened to cause change. 
I suppose your children are the problem. Its either him or them and since you prefer them you cant have him.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
There are several things going on, none of them good. 

His ED is unfortunate but should't prevent all sorts of other types of sexual activity. I assume he is not willing to do other things when his penis isn't working?

The excessive weight is of course a big health problem for him. Has he always been heavy and is it getting worse? Is he heavy or dangerously obese. Even though weight is a health risk, it is only one of many. As people get older, unpredictable health problems can leave them disabled. 

Then there is the lack of affection. Even without sex, there should be lots of other signs of affection in a happy marriage. Is this lack also new?

Has he always been socially withdrawn?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well actually, you're only throwing 10 years out the window. The last 8 years there hasn't really been a marriage.

I can imagine this must be extraordinarily difficult for you. I could not survive in a relationship as dysfunctional, disconnected and false as yours. 

You're in a pot of really hot water. Staying in the water will get you cooked. Jumping out will get you free to find a real pond in which to live.

ETA: after reading the other responses I just wanted to add that your husband has completely ignored a problem that significantly impacts his life and your life. After 8 years of ignoring his weight and subsequent ED, it is VERY unlikely he will ever make the changes required. Just leave him.


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## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

afab said:


> So by your count ten years were ok. Or were they. So what happened to cause change.
> I suppose your children are the problem. Its either him or them and since you prefer them you cant have him.


I wish I could say my children are the problem; but they are not. They are loving affectionate people who have always respected him and never interfered with him. He just never warmed up to them but they didn't seem to mind they respected his privacy and on the surface it seemed it was all good. Now that they are all grown and out of the house it is super lonely for me because I have been left with no companionship. And you are absolutely right, I haven't wasted all my time just the last 8 years. Since I'm from another generation I was trying to be loyal, respectful and really now regret it because I see how I wasted all that time. I just got older and sadder. Thank you for your insight on the dysfunctional all the way around. Sometimes people just need someone else to tell them what is right in front of their face


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If your car were totaled after 8 years (after being a lemon for all that time), you'd replace it even if insurance paid nothing. He's a wreck. Get a new one.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

how overweight is your husband?

height/approximate weight?

this is to try to understand the extent of the problem and how much work he needs to do.

i agree with the others so far. he is being uncaring, unmotivated and risking his marriage.

he'll wake up to find himself a lonely fat man, regret it, but too late.


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## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> There are several things going on, none of them good.
> 
> His ED is unfortunate but should't prevent all sorts of other types of sexual activity. I assume he is not willing to do other things when his penis isn't working?
> ...


Yes, you are right he is over 100 lbs. overweight. I love my husband so I don't even mind the weight but when a doctor tells you to lose it and you do nothing about it, it means that you don't care about your health or how you look. I invite him to walk with me or workout with me but he just says no; so I workout by myself. We have absolutely no social life, never vacation or even visit the children together. He was always pretty reserved but now is just plain anti-social. I guess I had been putting off a very serious discussion about how our life will proceed starting tomorrow. It won't be easy but seeing what other people have to honestly say has really helped me out. Thank you


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## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> If your car were totaled after 8 years (after being a lemon for all that time), you'd replace it even if insurance paid nothing. He's a wreck. Get a new one.


You are so right! He is a hot mess; and worst of all doesn't have any desire of changing at all.


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## SimplySad (Sep 8, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> how overweight is your husband?
> 
> height/approximate weight?
> 
> ...


The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was a friend of mine who hadn't see me for a couple of years commenting to me, "Wow I can't believe your married just a sour puss guy." I tried to defend my husband but there were no words to explain his behavior at the time. What happened to me is what happens to men all the time. They meet what seems to be a happy go lucky, fun and out going girl; they get married and she becomes a fat woman who just lets herself go after the babies (well at least they somewhat of an excuse) hate themselves and become grouches. Well in this case this is what happened to me. I have always been an athlete, eaten right and taken care of my person. So when I meet my husband he weight 225 lbs. of pure muscle. He had a 34 inch waist and 16.5" biceps with a butt you could bounce quarters off. He is 5'9" and from Scottish descent so he was very weight height appropriate. It took him 2 years to go from eating right to a 52" waist and downing buckets of Blue Bell. Not making fun, just stating fact. What I discovered after we were married and no one from his family had told me was that he had been a fatty his whole life. I figured he had just lost weight and worked out to get a wife and then just let himself go. I loved him because I fell in love for all the right reasons but now in hindsight, I don't think he did. I don't like that he is overweight because I know it shortens one's life expectancy but when a husband is a good provider and affectionate you let a lot of things go. But right now him being nothing of the sort it is like someone has placed a spotlight on all his defects and the defects are outweighing the little good. It is so scary that keep working on myself and trying very hard not to be like him. What do they see in the mirror; I guess these type of people don't care about themselves.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

SimplySad said:


> The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was a friend of mine who hadn't see me for a couple of years commenting to me, "Wow I can't believe your married just a sour puss guy." I tried to defend my husband but there were no words to explain his behavior at the time. What happened to me is what happens to men all the time. They meet what seems to be a happy go lucky, fun and out going girl; they get married and she becomes a fat woman who just lets herself go after the babies (well at least they somewhat of an excuse) hate themselves and become grouches. Well in this case this is what happened to me. I have always been an athlete, eaten right and taken care of my person. So when I meet my husband he weight 225 lbs. of pure muscle. He had a 34 inch waist and 16.5" biceps with a butt you could bounce quarters off. He is 5'9" and from Scottish descent so he was very weight height appropriate. It took him 2 years to go from eating right to a 52" waist and downing buckets of Blue Bell. Not making fun, just stating fact. What I discovered after we were married and no one from his family had told me was that he had been a fatty his whole life. I figured he had just lost weight and worked out to get a wife and then just let himself go. I loved him because I fell in love for all the right reasons but now in hindsight, I don't think he did. I don't like that he is overweight because I know it shortens one's life expectancy but when a husband is a good provider and affectionate you let a lot of things go. But right now him being nothing of the sort it is like someone has placed a spotlight on all his defects and the defects are outweighing the little good. It is so scary that keep working on myself and trying very hard not to be like him. What do they see in the mirror; I guess these type of people don't care about themselves.


so, your man was one muscular stocky son of a gun!

5-9 and 225 lbs of muscle! that's a body builder. 5-9, his ideal weight according to the gurus would be about 160 lbs or so.

so he's got about 65 lbs or more that's probably turned to flab.
that's not good (obviously).

he needs to get motivated again into that old scottish muscleman highlander, throwing 150 lb rocks around the bogs!
he'll feel better and probably start acting like a 'he man' again.

Men usually respond to positive reinforcement as opposed to nagging. Like "honey; remember when you had a body like Charles Atlas? That was beyond sexy!" 

who has suggestions about how she can motivate this guy off the couch????

(BTW: is there any reason to suspect depression?)


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This really is a bait and switch. There should be a reasonable expectation that when you are dating you behave similarly to the way you will behave after marriage. Sure, there is the usual decline with age - but going from athletic to couch potato after marriage is really not OK.

The common on depression is interesting - it might explain a lot.

Overall though, you deserve to be happy (as does everyone), and you need to decide if you can be happy with this man.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

SimplySad said:


> ...My husband has been suffering from erectile dysfunction for about 8 years now. We have attempted sex about 4 times in those 8 years but it wasn't successful. * He went to the doctor once who told him to exercise and lose weight but of course he wasn't going to have a doctor dictate his weight loss. He refuses to help himself and I don't want to be a nursemaid in the future to someone who falls ill because he won't take care of himself. *
> 
> *I feel so bad about this situation because I just turned 64 and he is only 55 years old.*
> 
> ...





SimplySad said:


> You are so right! He is a hot mess; and worst of all doesn't have any desire of changing at all.





SimplySad said:


> .... "Wow I can't believe your married just a sour puss guy."
> 
> ...... So when I meet my husband he weight 225 lbs. of pure muscle. He had a 34 inch waist and 16.5" biceps with a butt you could bounce quarters off. He is 5'9" and from Scottish descent so he was very weight height appropriate. It took him 2 years to go from eating right to a 52" waist and downing buckets of Blue Bell. Not making fun, just stating fact. *What I discovered after we were married and no one from his family had told me was that he had been a fatty his whole life. I figured he had just lost weight and worked out to get a wife and then just let himself go.* I loved him because I fell in love for all the right reasons but now in hindsight, I don't think he did. I don't like that he is overweight because I know it shortens one's life expectancy but *when a husband is a good provider and affectionate you let a lot of things go. *


A few thoughts from a 66 year old man who a few years ago weighed 55 pounds more and was obese, but is no more. I went from size 44 inch waist to 34 inch waist.

Weight loss is hard and requires dedication and motivation. You also have to break it up into components: eating healthy, eating less, exercising, stress reduction, increased sleep, proper hydration, etc.

One of the symptoms of Low T is being grumpy and angry. ED is also somethings (not always) associated with low T. At his being 100+ pounds overweight and having a 54 inch waist, he may be suffering from metabollic syndrom, which is often associated with type 2 diabetes, ED, low vitamin D levels, bone density loss, and low T. Only a doctor will be able to tell, but if that is part of his problem he needs to address it sooner rather than later. Type 2 diabetes with the frequent urination drains the body of all kinds of water soluable vitamins and minerals.

I would positively work with your husband on seeing if you can't explain to him why it is important he take better care of his health. That doesn't mean nag him, or abandon him. 

It also sounds like the two of you could use some marriage counseling as sleeping in separate beds, not touching, not talking much and not eating together is not good.

He probably knows how much you disapprove of his weight. Have you every sat down with him and asked him what motivated him to loose the weight he did prior to his meeting you? Maybe you can find out and help motivate him similarly again? 

Once on the Dr Laura talk show the host complained about how hard it is for a wife to get her husband to loose weight. A wife called in and said no, it isn't hard, it is really quite easy. She explained that she and her husband have been married for over 20 years and he had started to let himself go. As the wife explained she knows him, knows what he likes to eat, what he over eats, what motivates him. 

She just needed to point out to him that his harming his health was going to hurt the both of them, as far as what they could do together, as far as financially, as far as how many years they would have together. She thought about what he liked more than food and knew it was sex and that he had certain desires. She sat down with him one night and explained that she would model and wear ANY outfit he bought for her in their bedroom when they had sex and he could buy a new outfit for every 5 pounds he lost. The weight just dropped off him. She also made sure the junk food he liked was no longer purchased.

Yes he has ED and so this approach will not work out of the box. If the ED can be solved then maybe this approach or something else he desires more than foot will work. Again, what motivated his weight loss prior to your meeting him? 

Good luck. You can not change your spouse, You can change yourself and in the process change the way your spouse has to interact with you. That change may or may not improve things, but it will be change. 

You might look at reading one of MW Davis Divorce Busting books.


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## CherylSparks (Sep 9, 2015)

Is this is your reason for sex less marriage? Weight and different issues related to it? I know those issues are stretch marks or cellulites, scars, itching on the skin and this all happens when excess weight is there. So my suggestion is to start massaging with cellublue your skin, if this is the major reason, it will help to burn the fats of fat cells and which results in reduction of cellulites. As this happens, your skin becomes smooth and attractive what your life partner want. Cellublue is the massage palper-rouler which massages the issues and help to get rid away.:smile2:
Happy life for all........................


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

CherylSparks said:


> Is this is your reason for sex less marriage? Weight and different issues related to it? ......................


Not sure if your comment was directed at me or not. If it was, Nope. The reason for my SSM was that my wife and I got out of synch and it got worse over years of marriage. I need to be touched and praised (Chapman's 5 LL's) to feel loved and cherished. My wife needs acts of service and quality time.

She stopped touching me and praising me. She felt that when I touched her I was pawing at her. She felt that when I praised her I was buttering her up to get in her panties. I touch and praise when I feel I want to share my love for her. She withdrew from me. 

So I spent more time at work being a good provider for my family. I got praise from co-workers, which made me feel loved and special. 

My wife grew up in a household where she was taught that to show your love to your husband you cook him a hot meal and have it ready for him when he comes home from work. I worked late and didn't call home. She burned the dinner and felt like I had slapped her in the face over her act of service or love offering. When I got home, she would yell at me. I quickly ate the meal and got out of the room, so she got no quality time. 

The cycle continued until she was so mad at me she refused to have sex with me hardly ever. When we did have sex she would have feelings toward me, that she didn't want. So she would pick a fight with me to create emotional distance. She was very emotionally cruel to me at my most vulnerable post coital moment.

Ultimately, after one particularly cruel attack on me emotionally, I told her that I had enough and deserved better. That is when our SSM got even worse. Ultimately, I decided that I would try to save the marraige and if I couldn't I would end it. With the help of books, on-line forums, a great sex-therapist, a great couples weekend therapy session, and lots of introspection and love, we rebuilt our marriage. I changed myself and my weight and learned how to provide unconditional love and to accept my wife's love for me.

I now bring my wife coffee in bed each morning as an act of service and as she wakes up we talk so she gets some quality time and she starts the day feeling loved and cherished. At night I pour her a glass of wine before and after dinner and we talk during dinner then I do the dishes. Each night she ends the day feeling cherished in her languages of love. 

She does things to make me feel loved and she works at making sure we have sex twice a week.

It had little to do with my weight. It had much to do with just not understanding each other's emotional needs and as MW Davis in her book the Sex Starved Marriage put it getting into doing a destructive dance with each other.

Thanks for the thoughts.


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