# Wife Aversion to Sex



## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

My wife and I have struggled with her aversion / indifference to sex. I think any men having a problem with indifferent and almost impersonal sex should take a look at this.

*Background*
When my wife and I started dating as teenagers and eventually became sexual with each other, everything was amazing and great. She was initiating, she was very interested in it, and we both felt a deep connection with each other. We were terrified of getting pregnant, though, so she eventually started taking the birth control pill. Not too long after she took the birth control pill, we moved in together. After several years of living together and graduating from college, we got married.

For a while I do not think the pill was lowering her libido, but it eventually made her rather uninterested in sex. Sex slowly started tapering off, and that was a big problem for me. To fix the problem I started trying to seduce her more often. I would try giving her back scratches and massages that would turn her on, I would specifically get movies that had sex scenes in them, and I would try to make it known when I wanted to have sex with her. 

This worked at first, but after a while she felt that I was pestering her. I felt very disheartened that I couldn't get a rise out of her, so I would try even harder. This would just make her feel more pressured into having sex with me, and my actions hurt more than they help. We eventually came to an agreement on this topic - she would make sure that she would have sex with me at least once a week. She would also try to be as receptive as possible for sex when I wanted it more than once a week.

*The Problem*
The main problem is that, after years of her feeling obligated to have sex with me and having negative emotions associated with sex, she is much more detached and colder in bed. This is a problem that has been eating away at me for a while now, and only recently have we discussed it and agreed to do something about it. Our first course of action was to get her off of the birth control pill, which we both strongly believe was causing a severe drop in her sex drive.

It has ~1 month from when she stopped taking the pill, and although there was one time we had passionate sex again (a fluke imo) she still has the same mindset about it. Both of our best guesses is that she is uninterested in sex because I have conditioned her to do so.

*The (Possible) Solution*
I've been looking around crazily in trying to find out how to fix this. Now that she is off of the birth control pill, I am really concerned that the problem won't fix itself. I came across an article yesterday that described us very well, and offers up a potential solution.

How to overcome a sexual aversion

I can't help but get extremely excited in finding something like this. This situation describes us almost down to the bone. The largest difference is that she doesn't have strong negative emotions associated with sex, she just has a lack of positive emotions associated with it.

For those who don't want to read it, it essentially tells the wife to start some meditation techniques. She is supposed to take 15 minutes each day, completely relax herself, and visualize and think about sex. I believe that the purpose behind this is to associate the feeling of relaxation with sex. I also think it is to help her feel sexually aroused again.

*Questions*
Has anyone tried anything like this before? Was it successful? Has anyone else had a problem similar to ours? Did you eventually fix it? How did you do so? Any thoughts would be appreciated

*Keep in mind*
I know someone is going to want to give me the "man up" advice. I'm in the process of doing just that, even though my wife doesn't think I'm weak or unmanly in any sense. I have been working out intensely, hanging out with my bros more often, and making sure that I'm not walked over by my wife.

Also, my wife is not having an affair of any sort.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

PAC said:


> For a while I do not think the pill was lowering her libido, but it eventually made her rather uninterested in sex.


When the pill lowers libido, it does so fairly quickly. If your wife was on the pill for many months, or years, before her libido steadily declined, then the pill isn't to blame. That's not to say that the pill wasn't lowering her libido, it may well have been doing so. However, her libido was strong enough, soon after she started the pill, that you had a good sex life with her.



PAC said:


> Has anyone tried anything like this before? Was it successful? Has anyone else had a problem similar to ours? Did you eventually fix it? How did you do so? Any thoughts would be appreciated


I have a medium opinion of Dr. Harley. Some of his advice is good, like the love languages. You definitely need to figure out what your wife wants and focus your attention on that. However, I have my doubts that your wife, or many other wives, has a legitimate aversion to sex that would respond to aversion therapy.



PAC said:


> I know someone is going to want to give me the "man up" advice. I'm in the process of doing just that, even though my wife doesn't think I'm weak or unmanly in any sense. I have been working out intensely, hanging out with my bros more often, and making sure that I'm not walked over by my wife.
> 
> Also, my wife is not having an affair of any sort.


I think Athol Kay's MAP will probably be more effective than Dr. Harley's suggestions. Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for more information.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

While I myself wouldn't recommend my SO use the meditation method from the article, that's up to your wife. I think it could help, don't get me wrong, but when she has, as you put it, 'a lack of positive emotions associated with' sex, suddenly thinking about sex for 15 minutes each day is going to feel like a chore likely.

I think your solution is going to come from within your relationship. As you said, ' she is uninterested in sex because I have conditioned her to do so.' 

I don't fully agree with that, but that is likely a piece of the problem and it seems right now she believes that IS the problem. Taking out the birth control can help her regain a sex drive from a biological point of view, but from a mental point of view, that lack of desire isn't associated with the pill really at all. Rather, it's associated with you, unfortunately.

As such, you may need to take a big step back right now. I'd have an open conversation with her and tell her that for the next couple of weeks, or month maybe, sex is off the table from you. If she wants sex, that's fine, and you'll happily provide that, but for the next few weeks or whatever, you won't be initiating sex. Explain you are doing this to take the pressure off of her. She's likely gotten to the point where she sees every touch, every comment, everything you do as a move towards sex. As you said, she feels 'pestered' to have sex.

So, give her a few weeks to feel no pressure. 

After that time, communicate about sex. Set up a regular 'sex talk' time say every few weeks and just talk about sex. no judging, no grudges, just talk. Listen to what she has to say and explain to her why sex is so important to you and why you need it. Do some research on the matter to get a better grasp on what exactly you are feeling and why and articulate that the best you can. 

You at least have something most men don't, and that is a partner who seems willing to try and change things. She seems genuinely interested to tackling this problem, not just pushing it away. That's a huge step forward. Encourage that. If you both stay positive and work on it, things will improve.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> When the pill lowers libido, it does so fairly quickly. If your wife was on the pill for many months, or years, before her libido steadily declined, then the pill isn't to blame. That's not to say that the pill wasn't lowering her libido, it may well have been doing so. However, her libido was strong enough, soon after she started the pill, that you had a good sex life with her.


Perhaps, or maybe her libido dropped quickly but she just kept providing sex anyways, feeling like its an obligation and it wasn't until much later that wore her out.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Perhaps, or maybe her libido dropped quickly but she just kept providing sex anyways, feeling like its an obligation and it wasn't until much later that wore her out.


Sure. Usually, women will have sex until their lust drops below a certain level. If the OP's wife originally lusted for him at a 9 on a scale of 1-10, then perhaps the pill quashed that down to a 7. A 7 is still high enough to have sex regularly. But, after a couple of years of boring, likely beta, behavior from the OP, maybe her lust went down to a 5, which the pill lowered to a 3. At a 3, she just can't be bothered for sex.

Going off the pill could get that 3 back up to a 5, but that's still not high enough to get a lot of satisfaction from sex. He needs her lust back in the 7-10 range.

In this scenario, it's not the pill robbing 2 points of lust from the wife that is the main problem. It's the natural decline in lust from the original 9, to a current 5 that needs the most work.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

My best guess is that the pill lowered her libido enough to where she didn't get aroused, and then me repeatedly pressuring her to have sex with me is what has caused the problem. I don't think it is 100% the pill or me, but I think a lot of things have contributed to the problem. The pill is the thing that started these series of problems, though.

Anyway, I am very lucky that she sees it as a problem and wants to work on it. I can't imagine what I would do if she didn't want to work with me on this. It isn't that big of a problem to her, but she takes my problems seriously. We're both kind of lost on what to do, and anything that looks somewhat hopeful is a lifeline in my opinion.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Sure. Usually, women will have sex until their lust drops below a certain level. If the OP's wife originally lusted for him at a 9 on a scale of 1-10, then perhaps the pill quashed that down to a 7. A 7 is still high enough to have sex regularly. But, after a couple of years of boring, likely beta, behavior from the OP, maybe her lust went down to a 5, which the pill lowered to a 3. At a 3, she just can't be bothered for sex.
> 
> Going off the pill could get that 3 back up to a 5, but that's still not high enough to get a lot of satisfaction from sex. He needs her lust back in the 7-10 range.
> 
> In this scenario, it's not the pill robbing 2 points of lust from the wife that is the main problem. It's the natural decline in lust from the original 9, to a current 5 that needs the most work.


That makes sense, and I am working on reclaiming more of my masculinity in our relationship. I personally have had some health problems during our relationship and really lost motivation in life for a while. At any rate, I'm mostly better now and am in the process of working on the alpha vs beta traits more.

Although, she is off of the pill now. So hopefully that gives me an edge in what I'm trying to do.

Thanks for your input.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

I don't think her trying to do what Dr. Harely outlined would hurt at the moment, though. This is something she is excited about doing. She truly wants to improve this area of our life.

At the very least she will be thinking about sex more often, and might even start sharing some of her fantasies with me. She's not a very introspective person, so I'm thinking that this might just get her more in touch with her sexual side. If she understands herself better, I believe that she'll be able to give me more direction in what she likes and dislikes.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

PAC said:


> I don't think her trying to do what Dr. Harely outlined would hurt at the moment, though. This is something she is excited about doing. She truly wants to improve this area of our life.


I don't think it will hurt at all. I was just skeptical about how much it would help. However, if she's excited, that will certainly raise your odds.

I suggest your wife try Dr. Harley's aversion therapy at the same time you run Athol Kay's MAP. There's no harm in an "all of the above" approach to the problem. Maybe she can solve the problem herself with her meditation. Maybe you can solve it yourself by becoming more attractive. Maybe it will take both of you working together.

Good luck.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I don't think it will hurt at all. I was just skeptical about how much it would help. However, if she's excited, that will certainly raise your odds.
> 
> I suggest your wife try Dr. Harley's aversion therapy at the same time you run Athol Kay's MAP. There's no harm in an "all of the above" approach to the problem. Maybe she can solve the problem herself with her meditation. Maybe you can solve it yourself by becoming more attractive. Maybe it will take both of you working together.
> 
> Good luck.


Thanks for your input. To be completely honest, I've lost hope that this problem would ever be fixed. It feels really good to think that there is both something she and I can do to actually improve it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Most of the time the problem is this.

A woman does not feel a man who wants sex "loves" her, since all men want sex from all women.

A man who gets sex from a woman is assured that she loves him, since women do not have sex with many men.

Therefore the problem is not sexual aversion. The problem is she does not know what sex means to you on an emotional level, or if she does, she does not feel a need to make you her husband feel loved.

If it's the former, you must educate her. If it's the latter, you need to find out if she does not feel a need to make you happy because a) you are not making her feel happy or b) she is happy but selfish and does not care about you...


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

I don't think it is either of those.

I know her love language and do my best to ensure that she feels loved. She also knows how much sex means to me. She assures me that there is nothing else that I can do to make her feel more loved - that I'm doing it close to perfectly.

She will have sex with me because she loves me. She is willing, but doesn't get sexually aroused. I don't just want sex, I want her to want sex for me AND herself. I want her to be able to enjoy it. I don't think either of the things you have listed are applicable to this situation. It might be in cases where there is absolutely no sex, but I just don't think those are issues that we have.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Funny, we read and posted on the same article in the same day. Must be something in the air!

I'd be interested to see if your wife actually goes through with the program and if it helps. Keep us updated.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

PAC, 
This 'not getting aroused', became common for us/her when my wife hit menopause. I had 3 choices:
1. accept that she liked pleasing me and being the 'giver'. Make sure the non-sexual part of the experience was fun for her. I did that mainly by massage and other non sexual touch. 
2. Tell her I wouldn't play unless she was going to get turned on. This would have meant a very infrequent sex life. 
3. Let her know it was 'ok', but I was 'disappointed', she didn't get turned on

Three would would have quickly caused big problems. Imagine you are the man and have some ED. Let's say your wife is HD and typically initiates. So you give her oral even though you are next very turned on. And then afterwards she tries to get you hard and you cannot. And she let's you know how disappointed she is with the whole experience. Rinse and repeat. 

You would think, I love my wife. I am showing her love and commitment. My body is failing me and she is telling me that she is not happy with my 'failed', response. I know what I would do on that situation.


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