# Has anyone been to hell? I assume my life right now is exactly what it feels like! :(



## Unfortunate1 (May 16, 2013)

I am living my worst nightmare right now and I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been together 5 years (married 4). We have such a great relationship together - we laugh so much, we do everything together including grocery shopping and showers and everything we never get bored of each other and we rarely argue or anything - we have sex at least 3 times a week and it's good no problems there - he is so good to me it's not even funny - we talk all day, as soon as he leaves work he lets me know he's on his way home, he is caring, gives me massages, can't stand it when I'm upset, I mean honestly he is everything I want in a man. We have a 2 1/2 year old daugher together and he loves her so much, and I have a 12 year old son from a previous marriage that he is very good to and he loves as well. 

Here is the problem. My husband is from another country. There has always been an ex-girlfriend that we have had problems with - she was his childhood girlfriend and she just never got over him, she would repeatedly call his phone, call my phone, just not leave him alone and also bother me as well. She is close to his family and she has been bothering him since the beginning of our relationship - and many times he allowed it to happen and would entertain her calls or tell her that he still cared about her but it wasn't going to work our for them. He told me over and over again that it was over between them and I didn't have anything to worry about. She knew when I got pregnant and after I had my daughter she still even continued to invade our relationship. It has been a problem since the beginning. Other than that our relationship has been flawless. Everyone is always commenting on how perfect we are together and how they can tell we are so much in love. 

Well last year he took me to his country to meet his family (although I had already knew them through facebook and some visiting the US and had talked to them for the whole time we had been together) and we had such a good time, he showed me everything and everyone met our daughter for the first time and it was a great time. I had to leave a couple days before him due to work and he had a baptism for a family member that he had to attend so he ended up staying a couple extra days. That's when the worst thing ever happened. He ended up cheating on me, and now she's pregnant.  I found out she was pregnant in February and I was just heartbroken. I saw a photo on Facebook and some posts that she wrote and I put two and two together. When I confronted him about it he said that he wasn't sure if it was his or not but that he did make the mistake and that he was really sorry. I was completely destroyed inside, but I love my daughter so much and I was so happy with our relationship here in the US that I decided to try and make it work. His family began to email and call me telling me that she is crazy and just never wants to leave him alone and that they were so sorry for what happened. He promised me that he wanted nothing to do with her ever again and changed his phone number, etc so she couldn't contact him and that he didn't want anything to do with her or the child. 

Now it's almost time that she is going to have the baby and I am rethinking everything. Since I found all of this out, it's been in the back of my mind every single day. There hasn't been one day (or barely one minute) that I haven't been consumed by this. Thinking how could he have done this to us, especially right after we met some of his family for the first time and had such a great time together, is he really that evil of a person, it just tears my heart apart. But the thing that is really bothering me is that I have seen photos since then of his family at her baby shower and that just makes me so sad I can't even describe it. How would I live with his family telling him about the baby and sending photos, etc, spending time with her and the baby and knowing that child better than they will ever know my daughter. How will I be able to live knowing that this child was created out of hate for me (she has always threatened that I was going to cry 3 times more than she ever did) and how can I ever get past this? I am not an evil person at all, quite the contrary actually I am always helping people and doing the right thing - but this time I feel so selfish like that if him or his family have anything to do with them there is no way I can stay with him and ever be happy, I just don't see any way it's possible.

I feel so destroyed and I don't know what to do. My husband swears that he loves me and he is completely devoted to me and that he will do anything to prove it but at the same time he says his family is being that way because they feel bad for the baby that it's not her fault and that the baby shouldn't have to suffer for the adults mistakes, and that he feels bad for the baby too, and that no matter what it's in another country so it's not like I have to see it every day, etc. I know the baby is innocent, but I feel like so am I and my life has basically been turned upside down because of this. Either way it seems that I lose. 

Another thing is that I don't want my daughter or son knowing this happened if I stay with him, I don't want them to know that he did this, it's just killing me inside that one day they could know that he treated us this way. How could I ever explain this to my family? My family and friends completely love him, they think the world of him and look at him like someone who is just the best thing that ever happened to me. How could I face the embarrassment of telling them what happened or letting them know that now there is another child in this situation. It seems that the only way I will be able to stay with him is if they just disappeared and didn't bother anyone again. I don't see that happening, especially since this girl has been psychotic about him since we met. 

I just know that if I do leave him, I am also not going to be happy either (for a long time). The embarrassment, the heartbreak, the wondering, all the stuff I am going to go through is making me so depressed as well. Just thinking about the rebuilding and starting over and all that I will go through is just so much to handle on my heart. I feel like a 100 pound weight is on top of my chest and I just don't know the way to make it go away. I don't know what to do and I have no one to turn to or talk to because everyone thinks he is perfect and they would be in complete shock by all of this. I am just so confused because I love him and the family that we have built so much, but I don't see any option where I am happy. It's hell.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Your situation is tough. The infidelity is bad enough. But a child from infidelity is really hard to deal with.

Your husband should not accept paternity of this child just because this nut case woman says that the baby is his. He needs to have a paternity test done. Until the paternity test shows he's the father, he nor his family should be acknowledging this baby.

Whether you stay with your husband or not, your child will know that their father got an affair partner pregnant. That's a given with the faily being so open about this child.

It sounds to me like except for this baby thing, you two are just sweeping his affair under the rug. What is your husband doing to prove to you that he can be trusted?


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Unfortunate1 said:


> My husband swears that he loves me and he is completely devoted to me...
> 
> ...How could I face the embarrassment of telling them what happened or letting them know that now there is another child in this situation


1: He loves you so much that he had unprotected sex with another woman.

2: It is not your embarrassment. Please understand this - and do not carry the embarrassment for HIS disgusting treatment of you.


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## Unfortunate1 (May 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are here. Your situation is tough. The infidelity is bad enough. But a child from infidelity is really hard to deal with.
> 
> Your husband should not accept paternity of this child just because this nut case woman says that the baby is his. He needs to have a paternity test done. Until the paternity test shows he's the father, he nor his family should be acknowledging this baby.
> 
> ...


He changed his phone number and has opened his email/phone/etc. up to me to see whatever I want to prove he is not talking to her or anything like that, and I am 100% positive that he's not doing anything like that over here with anyone else. I'm just so confused because it's so hard when love/kids are involved. I wish that I could just turn back time and stop this from happening. :/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he planning on having the child DNA tested? Or is he just assuming the baby is his? If he is assuming... why?


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## Unfortunate1 (May 16, 2013)

Yessongs72 said:


> 1: He loves you so much that he had unprotected sex with another woman.
> 
> 2: It is not your embarrassment. Please understand this - and do not carry the embarrassment for HIS disgusting treatment of you.


Thank you. I completely agree with both comments and that's what is so hard for me to get over in my head. He says he loves me and this was just a stupid mistake and that basically it was revenge and she manipulated him, etc. and so it's so easy to start believing all of that because here in the US our relationship is really great. I'm so torn inside  I don't see any option that I win. In every situation I end up destroyed and none of it's my fault.

About the 2nd comment I know it's not my fault and I didn't do anything to deserve this and he should be the one embarrassed (which he would be as well) but it's really hard to swallow the fact that I will have to come out and tell everyone this happened and it's so humiliating and everyone will be so shocked so I am so scared. I have never felt so low before in my entire life and I just don't know how to deal with any of this. I am a very outgoing, funny, social person and I am a professional with a high profile job in the community so it's just tearing me apart I don't have a clue what is the right thing to do. 

I don't know whether I should give it a try to fix it or what kind of stipulations I should put on it or should I just run away and never look back I don't have any idea what to do :/ and it's even harder because I can't talk to family or friends about this I'm just stewing inside about everything.


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## Unfortunate1 (May 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Is he planning on having the child DNA tested? Or is he just assuming the baby is his? If he is assuming... why?


He hasn't said that he is going to get the child DNA tested but he would. He is the only person that she has ever had sex with since they were children. She has been completely psychotic about him ever since I met him. I guess it's not impossible that she could've slept with someone else too but chances are that she didn't. From what I know about her she is a good girl and everything she is just believes he and her were meant to be together. 

That's another thing it just makes me so sad to think about what if the child looks like him? Then I also get the fear of what if he decides later that he wants to be involved with the child and then I have to divide up time, etc and have that whole mess. It's so frustrating I am so lost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unfortunate1 said:


> He hasn't said that he is going to get the child DNA tested but he would. He is the only person that she has ever had sex with since they were children. She has been completely psychotic about him ever since I met him. I guess it's not impossible that she could've slept with someone else too but chances are that she didn't. From what I know about her she is a good girl and everything she is just believes he and her were meant to be together.
> 
> That's another thing it just makes me so sad to think about what if the child looks like him? Then I also get the fear of what if he decides later that he wants to be involved with the child and then I have to divide up time, etc and have that whole mess. It's so frustrating I am so lost.


How old are you, your husband and this other woman?

She is not a "good girl". Good girls do not do what she did. The chances that she slept with someone else is pretty good. Why? Because she's not a good girl. Because she's an abusive, selfish person. 

A woman who plays the kind of games she is playing will pull all kinds of tricks to get "her" man. 

If I were you, I'd make a DNA test on the baby a condition for you to stay married to your husband. 

Did you also get an STD test?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Unfortunate1 said:


> My husband swears that he loves me ...


Just enough to knock up a gal the first time he had the opportunity.

To be sure, the marriage will never be the same. And with the kid in the picture... So can you live with all this? Because if you want to remain married to this opportunistic betrayer (who I predict will do so again) you better be prepared for a lot.

But I understand the dilemma. "greatest guy in the world except he takes advantage of good opportunities to screw other women." He says they mean nothing to him (and maybe they don't), but he has a addiction to feed.

So if you can take it, stay with him.


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## Unfortunate1 (May 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you, your husband and this other woman?
> 
> She is not a "good girl". Good girls do not do what she did. The chances that she slept with someone else is pretty good. Why? Because she's not a good girl. Because she's an abusive, selfish person.
> 
> ...


I am 32, he is 29, and she is 27. She has always had this hate for me because she claims I "stole" him from her which obviously wasn't the case because I didn't even know she existed when I met him. 

Yes got tested for STDs and everything is fine, thank God.

I will ask for the DNA test, but even if it's confirmed that it's his how can I go forward? Either way I am going to be miserable I don't know where to start or which way to start moving....


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Your husband is a cake eater. Plain and simple. He never stopped connecting with the old girlfriend. You knew all about it and rug swept it. and the minute he was able to be in actual contact with her, her had sex with her and knocked her up. Of course now that he is caught and away from her geographically, he is saying he will have nothing to do with her.

A little late for that, don't you think ? The level of the open intrusion that you tolerated from the POSOW in your marriage is shocking. You really need to D his sorry A.

BTW, you do now realize that he loved every minute of her intruding into your lives. His actions show that.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

So sorry you're in this position. It's awful. If you stay with him, it's doubtful you'll ever get over it. If he fathered that child, it's such a wild card, who knows in what ways that will impact your future.

He obviously hasn't gotten her out of his heart and may never, so are you willing to have that thought tumbling around in your head year after year? Also, will you be wondering if he'll cheat with someone else? Now you know what he's capable of.

I had to divorce my wife, it was brutal and I'm still hurting a year after. But, I know it's temporary. By the tone of your comments, IMO, staying with him is going to be torture for you. Being in the midst of a great marriage and then getting blindsided like you have is truly Hell. Been there, I feel for you, best of luck whatever you decide.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

You're taking on too much responsibility for this. There is absolutely no reason you should have no one to talk to. Tell your family and Friends so you have shoulders to cry on and are not alone to fester in pain. If after the DNA test this kid is his it WILL come out to everyone. Your Child might mention it innocently in front of a grandparent, etc.

This isn't YOUR dirty secret. It's his.. Don't hide it. Youre the victim, not the offender. You deserve your families support. 

When my husband had an EA I went straight to my mom.. Without her I would have been a mess. After we R everyone forgave him, but you better believe everyone was 100% more protective of me.

You need this.. You need people on your side. Talk to your family and friends. 

Hope all turns out well for you, but know if you stay and the child is his you'll never be able to erase this woman an the child. It would be his son/daughter as surely as your child is. It's almost not fair to ask the child to never meet or share a relationship with its father. You can't condemn the child and deny it a relationship with its dad. If so he'll end up resenting you. I his family treats this child like there grandchild you better believe he's going to want a relationship with it. He's just biding his time... With the child comes the OW. She'll be a part of your life forever whether you like it or not. 

Tough choices, but these are things to consider. Good luck and I feel for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Unfortunate1 said:


> I feel so destroyed and I don't know what to do. *My husband swears that he loves me and he is completely devoted to me and that he will do anything to prove it but *at the same time he says his family is being that way because they feel bad for the baby that it's not her fault and that the baby shouldn't have to suffer for the adults mistakes, and that he feels bad for the baby too, and that no matter what it's in another country so it's not like I have to see it every day, etc. I know the baby is innocent, but I feel like so am I and my life has basically been turned upside down because of this. Either way it seems that I lose.
> 
> Another thing is that I* don't want my daughter or son knowing this happened if I stay with him, I don't want them to know that he did this*, it's just killing me inside that one day they could know that he treated us this way. How could I ever explain this to my family? My family and friends completely love him, they think the world of him and look at him like someone who is just the best thing that ever happened to me. How could I face the embarrassment of telling them what happened or letting them know that now there is another child in this situation. It seems that the only way I will be able to stay with him is if they just disappeared and didn't bother anyone again. I don't see that happening, especially since this girl has been psychotic about him since we met.



As you should know by now, you cant control what your husband say or do. You can only decide on what he does.

First, he's a cheater and does not respect his marriage. This should be obvious to you, right? 

Second, there's no way your kids would not find out about the new baby. How do you expect to keep that a secret from them? How long do you think that secrecy will last? Better if the news came from you first.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband has two women fighting over him. This is a huge ego boost for him. There are clearly advantages in his mind to maintaining his connection with his old gf otherwise she would have been gone from your marital landscape a long time ago. He can say he loves you all he wants, but he appears to 'love' her, too. You have no idea what he says to her - he could be talking to her exactly the way he talks to you.

He may be the greatest guy in the world, but you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. If I were married to a man who got another woman pregnant, that would be an immediate dealbreaker for me. Zero trust, plus heartbreak that never ends. So sorry that you are in this place.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

The man whom you married is not a good man.He has cheated you big time in my opinion and you should get rid of him.

It cannot happen that she manipulated him.Impossible.Can another man manipulate you enough to sleep with you when you know you are married and have a kid.No it can often only intentionally .

Just get rid of him.Share it with your family and freinds and please have q healthy life again.COme out of this dirty life which I can understand is a living hell.

I know its tough but ibstaed of dying everyday ,face it however tough today and move forward.He has to pay for his deceit.

And i am sure he is never going to abandon the child or that woman nor his family is going too.They are alld eceitful characters.these things do not happen normally.How was that girl allowed in his home when they all knew he was married.

Also are you sure he was not already married to her in his home state?Please time to get serious and start a frsh and healthy life again.Can you PM me and tell to which country he belongs so that I will be able to understand his cultural set up.In a few cultures in the world having more than a wife is acceptable.Just make sure you are not part of such an arrangement.


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