# I am struggling and need help



## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

Hello everyone, I am new here but I have been looking at some of these threads for a while. There is a lot of passionate, thoughtful advice coming from so many of you and it's lovely to see so much support for each other. In saying that, I am hoping to find some advice for my current state.

I am 30. My fiancée is 50, and we have two beautiful children together. We have been together since I was 18 with a small break around the time that I was 20. I would say we have a good relationship. We work well as a team and we have very similar views on life and what matters to us both.

The problems are with me. 3 years ago I found a very basic online chat site that connects you with other strangers. At the time, I thought it would be a bit of fun (I was feeling quite isolated where we lived, and was very busy with child duties) I thought it would be a nice way to have conversations with people without having to invest too much time or effort. Obviously, I was silly because (of course) I found someone I enjoyed talking to and started to talk regularly with him. I did not keep this a secret from my fiancée as he is usually quite accepting and open minded. But I found myself handling the situation poorly and the whole thing escalated and I felt like I completely lost control. The EA ended and I felt like an emotional wreck.

My fiancée and I had a lot of healing that needed to be done after the incident but we got there and I feel like our relationship is back in that safe cosy zone.

The problem is, is that I cannot stop myself from fantasising about other people. I dream about doing something again. I even emailed the old EA flame just to see how they were but then cursed myself for being so stupid and cut the contact once more.

I feel like the relationship with my fiancée is very practical and we are definitely the best of friends. Passion is seriously lacking though, but it has been 12 years. Is it normal to feel complacent? I do know him and the children mean the world to me. I want to be truly happy, but I am starting to feel like I am starving for something I don't even understand and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know the ins and outs of long term partnership success but I just wish it felt more fullfilling.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have no one that could understand or empathise in my life.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

on_the_verge said:


> Hello everyone, I am new here but I have been looking at some of these threads for a while. There is a lot of passionate, thoughtful advice coming from so many of you and it's lovely to see so much support for each other. In saying that, I am hoping to find some advice for my current state.
> 
> I am 30. My fiancée is 50, and we have two beautiful children together. We have been together since I was 18 with a small break around the time that I was 20. I would say we have a good relationship. We work well as a team and we have very similar views on life and what matters to us both.
> 
> ...



Hi @on_the_verge

Thanks for your post and honesty. 

In terms of your situation, it's actually very common - that being, couples who have been together for a long time end up up losing the passion and fall into the friends/room mates category, rather than lovers. 

Another thing that is also common is that couples fail to regularly put the effort in and 'feed' the relationship where it continues to grow. It doesn't matter how attractive or kind the partners are - if nothing is invested into the relationship, it's unlikely to grow and then things begin to stagnate. 

Despite all this, i'm curious of a couple of things. 
1) Are you still attracted to him at all? Personally it sounds like that has been lost but i'm interested in your thoughts.
2) Have either of you made much of an effort in the recent past to help create more passion? 


Thanks


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I'm still learning how to navigate this site!

In regards to your questions, well I'm really not sure. I feel very comfortable with him and I love to show him affection with hugs and kisses. I also enjoy pleasing him in bed. But I do not really feel like pouncing on him.

And the other one, we have tried in the past to inject some spice but I found that we were doing more his little kinks and they weren't really my thing. But I didn't bring any thing to the beds onto speak because I don't really know what I want


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm a little curious. 
Why is he only your fiance? 
You have known him since 18, you're now 30, and have three children together? 

I know many couples that choose to not marry until much later, or sometimes not at all, but it is very rare (IME) to see couples wait for marriage if they have children together.

Could the lack of "solidified" commitment be a reason why you are not very happy with things? 

Dump the social media COMPLETELY. It often ruins relationships. You became enamored with the fantasy. 

Have you told your fiance about your EA?


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

Satya, we recently decided to marry. We never thought we would but I see its relevance and importance now. And yes, he knew about the EA.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Do you think perhaps you chose a mate before you'd gained the life experience to actually know what you want? It may be that you've matured, come into your own, and are finding the man you chose as a fledgling isn't the right match, after all.

I met DH when we were both 24 and we're nearly 42. In 17+ years I can honestly say that the passion hasn't diminished. That's with raising 3 kids, some dogs and other pets, a mortgage, and all the rest of the real life stuff said to kill relationships.

My dearest friend married my father's older brother. She was 17 when they met. He was 36. They married when she turned 18 and have raised 4 boys together. I saw her yesterday and she says they're as in love as ever. Most recently, he surprised her with a weekend alone together at a bed and breakfast.

Frankly, I don't buy the idea that losing love or passion is normal. I think saying it's normal is how people manage to convince themselves to stay in less than happy marriages.

Of course, you aren't even married. Meaning, if you're not content, leaving is a lot less hassle. Maybe you haven't married for a reason.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest, I got a sort of lump in my throat as I was reading your words.

You basically articulated my deepest fears and it's something I don't know how to look at to even rest of it be a reality or not.

If, what you describe, could be the truth of the matter. I wouldn't have the first clue as to how to deal with it. It would involve hurting someone I only have the utmost love and respect for. To me, that seems unfathomable. 

And contrary to what you say, even without the marriage in place, I have still experienced a great sense of commitment with him. And, IMO, children make a breakup far harder than marriage does.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@on_the_verge, I like @MJJEAN 's post as well. It's pretty introspective. 

I'm 36, a bit older than you, and I'm married for the second time to an older man (15 years older). I went through one relationship starting at 17 (he was the same age) and then we married when I was 23. I consider that my "trial" marriage to figure out what I wanted. We had an overall good marriage, but we grew up and apart, then he dropped a bomb on me that told me clearly we could no longer be married.

Since I'm older now then I was then, being with an older man this time is not something I even think about consciously, we just go together so well, age doesn't register with either of us. However, being 18 with a 20 year-older man is a different story. I'm going to take a guess that during your "brain-maturing" 20s, you started to picture him in a different light than as your starry-eyed 18 year-old self. A man who is already approaching his 40s when he met you is going to be much more settled in his ways than a man closer to your age. 

If I'm way off the mark here please say so, I'm not judging, but I do understand how much I changed during my late 20s and how much my view of the world and what I wanted from it changed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

on_the_verge said:


> MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest,* I got a sort of lump in my throat* as I was reading your words.
> 
> You basically articulated my deepest fears and it's something I don't know how to look at to even rest of it be a reality or not.
> 
> ...


The two [sets or] highlighted words above say it all for me.

You may find another man [or men] that have more "spark", but you are unlikely to find one who will have more total, all around, "amperage".

Meaning, you would be trading short term excitement for long term bliss and happiness.

Note: That is not saying that you could not "get lucky" and find an all-around better man and life.

The odds are not in your favor. You would be bringing two children into a new relationship with you. 
............................................................................................................................................................

Your husband needs to up his game, somehow. Talk to him. Help him with this.

You need to do more exciting things together, more often.

It may help you if you move to an area less remote. But doing that will expose you to more temptation.

You are not alone in these doubts and thoughts that you are feeling. Most people have felt these at some time in their lives.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

on_the_verge said:


> MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest, I got a sort of lump in my throat as I was reading your words.
> 
> You basically articulated my deepest fears and it's something I don't know how to look at to even rest of it be a reality or not.
> 
> ...


Sorry if my directness was harsh to you. My laptop hard drive failed and my tablet drowned in soup a few days ago. I'm stuck using my phone until I research replacements.

My parents never married. They were together 18 years when my mother passed away. I'll say something to help you I never said to anyone but my DH. I think they were engaged for so long without marrying because they knew they weren't "it" for each other. I don't doubt they loved each other, but they didn't seem to love each other " like that". I think their relationship would have faded away and ended, but kids came along before the natural ending could happen.

2 years after mom died, dad married.

Maybe marriage is just a piece of paper to you both or maybe you two never took the plunge because deep down you know you're not each other's "it".

If you were to leave it would hurt this man you love and respect. However, staying could be hurting him, too. If you're not passionately in love with him you're preventing him from finding someone who would love him like that.

You mentioned your fiance has kinks. I'm kinky, myself, and my kinks do not only heighten sexual pleasure and intensity. My kinks meet emotional and psychological needs. You said your H's kinks aren't your thing. If his kink needs are as crucial to him as mine are to me, those needs not being met could be damaging. If he were single, he could have those needs met by someone who is into whatever his thing is.

I know splitting up with kids is hard. DH is my 2nd husband. My oldest kids are from my first marriage and were 6 and 1 when I left my exH. My situation was different than yours in that I neither loved or respected my ex. If you were to split at least you would be able to coparent amicably since you do have positive feelings for your fiance. In my experience, having parents who work together post split makes a huge difference to how the kids fare.

That all said, it might be you and not your relationship at all. DH went through a phase at about 32 during which he was thinking along similar lines. After some soul searching he said it wasn't me or our relationship that was the problem. It was the rest of his life. He wasn't where he wanted to be, he wasn't getting his needs met because even he wasn't sure what they were vs what he thought they were, and he was just generally unhappy with himself. He said he more or less blamed me and the marriage for his personal unhappiness because we were easy targets. He was in a funk, so everything looked cruddy. Maybe you're in the same funk. Maybe making some changes ( job, hobby, social group, volunteer, education) would make you happy and you'd see everything differently.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think your BIGGEST problem (and the most grossly disturbing one) is that you got involved with a man who was almost 40 who was hitting on an 18 year old *teenage girl* fresh out of high school. 

You never HAD a chance to have your youth because he made sure to pluck you early and groom you for a commitment to HIM. Who DOES that in _*good conscience*_ to a teenager with no life experience? It's creepy and it's gross and it's selfish and it's horribly irresponsible. Of course, it's normal to YOU because he got to you early so it's all you *know*, but it's NOT the norm. And there's a reason for that. If some guy nearing 40 was sniffing around MY 18 year old daughter, he'd regret the day he was born. Not to be rude, but where the HELL were your parents back when he was sniffing around their teenage daughter? 

What he did when you were 18 was creepy and grossly unfair to do to a young girl who *doesn't know any better*. Now that you're all grown up, you're realizing how much you sacrificed and how much you missed. I actually feel very very bad for you.

If you marry this guy and/or stay with him, you'll always long for your missing youth. Your future will be spent with an aging man with health problems until you're eventually his nursemaid. I'm also willing to bet that he seems more like a father figure to you than your equal. 

Haven't you already given up enough of your life for this man?


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

I have read all your comments and they are all so helpful and insightful. I feel like I am in a proper counselling session! THANK YOU <3 Many of you have raised big questions for me in my heart.

I have more I would like to share and ask but I am on full time child minding duties so my time is very limited. Also, this website is something that I am partaking in by myself at this stage because I know I have things to work out in my head. He would also get offended by many things that are being said here. So that makes it double-y hard to find the time. I want to address each and every one of you though. Standby


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Want is the root of all evil and the reason that people are not content with life. Sometimes the want is not even something they can solidly identify. It is just a vague desire for something, someone, somewhere, somehow. When we allow these thoughts to dominate our minds they will consume our thoughts and kill our happiness. You have control over your thoughts and must learn to not allow them to override the thoughts that provide/allow contentment.

There can always be thoughts of "what if" no matter how good you life is and most people do not learn this until their good life is shattered by the want of more. Learn to realize that your life is good and let your thoughts focus on those things. There can always be more, bigger, better, taller, leaner and so forth but every want begets more want.

Once when a famous wealthy man was asked by a reporter "with all your money and riches what more could you possibly want" and his response was "just a little bit more". Learn to be satiated with what you have and forget what else might MIGHT be out there. Look how great what you have is and appreciate it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think the age difference is not an issue, other than the fact you do seem to think of him more as a nice father figure rather than a hot lover.

My wife says you should be using words that show your fiancee turns you on, gets your motor running, makes you hot and bothered, and makes you want to screw his brains out. Screw all that respect and love stuff, that's for your parents.

When my wife was your age she would throw herself into my arms, and I would catch her in the air and slam her into a wall and pin her arms up while I ravished her. Just for starters.

There was that one time when she was in her early 40's though, and she broke my front tooth. But hey, that's what insurance is for.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

Satya said:


> @on_the_verge, I like @MJJEAN 's post as well. It's pretty introspective.
> 
> I'm 36, a bit older than you, and I'm married for the second time to an older man (15 years older). I went through one relationship starting at 17 (he was the same age) and then we married when I was 23. I consider that my "trial" marriage to figure out what I wanted. We had an overall good marriage, but we grew up and apart, then he dropped a bomb on me that told me clearly we could no longer be married.
> 
> ...


Hi Satya, yes I do believe that I have changed immensely since I was 18 and "starry-eyed". It's almost as if I have finally grown up. But he is, in many ways, the same and yes, I have moments when I see him as a much older man now.

But I feel like I would be lost without him. I've never even really functioned in the 'real world' by myself. And I feel like he would be equally lost without me (AND THEIR ARE OUR KIDS?!) I have essentially taken a huge part of his life too. I get the feeling he wouldn't even be bothered to find someone else if we parted and I hate the idea of him being lonely, or unhappy.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

glad that you are thinking about the kids.

but stop all EA and PA. that is like throwing a bomb on your family.

If you can't stay with the family, split up but do not get into "any" additional relationship until you close this one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

on_the_verge said:


> Hi Satya, yes I do believe that I have changed immensely since I was 18 and "starry-eyed". It's almost as if I have finally grown up. But he is, in many ways, the same and yes, I have moments when I see him as a much older man now.
> 
> But I feel like I would be lost without him. I've never even really functioned in the 'real world' by myself. And I feel like he would be equally lost without me (AND THEIR ARE OUR KIDS?!) I have essentially taken a huge part of his life too. I get the feeling he wouldn't even be bothered to find someone else if we parted and I hate the idea of him being lonely, or unhappy.


First, I'm not doubting you two love each other. But I usually approach the psychological aspect of things. And 18 year old girls almost always pick a 40 year old man because they are seeking structure, assurance, safety, and financial support. In other words, another daddy. This is not saying what you have together is wrong. Just that your ENs at 18 are far different from your ENs at 30. 

Emotional Needs are what you currently need to make you satisfied. At 18, they'll be vastly different. By 30, you've finally 'grown up' and need to feel more self sufficient, so the supportive man who protected you at 18 seems dull and ineffective at 30. 

So what needs to happen is that BOTH of you need to sit down and be honest with each other and chart a new course.

Start by reading His Needs Her Needs together - a chapter each night or something. You'll find LOTS to talk about. Then do the EN and LB (Love Buster) questionnaires and then sit down and discuss THAT. You'll soon figure out where you need to go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Be honest with your H and tell him you want to spice up your sex life, perhaps go away on breaks, do more together. What does he work as? Are you working?


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> on_the_verge said:
> 
> 
> > MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest, I got a sort of lump in my throat as I was reading your words.
> ...


Thank you MJJEAN, its interesting you say that about your parents. When I fell pregnant (unplanned) with our first child, I was at uni and I ended up leaving my degree to have the baby. We weren't particularly serious before then so I think the pregnancy kind of threw us together. We did go on to parent amazingly together and we brought another child into the mix because we love(d) having the children together and it kept us busy together. Now they are getting older and I see us not being as connected as we were.

I may just be in a funk. I have made everything about the children which is probably not too healthy.

I just really really wish I wanted to pounce on him, like all you happy wives and hubbies feel.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think your BIGGEST problem (and the most grossly disturbing one) is that you got involved with a man who was almost 40 who was hitting on an 18 year old *teenage girl* fresh out of high school.
> 
> You never HAD a chance to have your youth because he made sure to pluck you early and groom you for a commitment to HIM. Who DOES that in _*good conscience*_ to a teenager with no life experience? It's creepy and it's gross and it's selfish and it's horribly irresponsible. Of course, it's normal to YOU because he got to you early so it's all you *know*, but it's NOT the norm. And there's a reason for that. If some guy nearing 40 was sniffing around MY 18 year old daughter, he'd regret the day he was born. Not to be rude, but where the HELL were your parents back when he was sniffing around their teenage daughter?
> 
> ...


Wow, thanks for the passionate thoughts. In my darkest moments I do have these thoughts and many of the things you say are some of my fears.

In regards to your question about how this started. Well it is pretty crazy but he is the father of a friend I had in high school. We only met after high school ended when my friend had a party and she had previously told me that she thought I "should meet her Dad as she thought we would get along really well". Anyway, I know it sounds crazy but I was very open minded and we just became friends for a while before any romance developed. I was living alone at this time because my Mother (whom I lived with) had had to go interstate for work for 2 years and had essentially abandoned me (but I felt that I didn't mind because we had big differences anyway) By the time she was back on the scene, we already liked each other. And she didn't seem too fussed, perhaps she expected me to do something crazy like this, who knows? 

I still remain good friends with his daughter even though we have had a few hiccups along the way. 

The rest is history.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Want is the root of all evil and the reason that people are not content with life. Sometimes the want is not even something they can solidly identify. It is just a vague desire for something, someone, somewhere, somehow. When we allow these thoughts to dominate our minds they will consume our thoughts and kill our happiness. You have control over your thoughts and must learn to not allow them to override the thoughts that provide/allow contentment.
> 
> There can always be thoughts of "what if" no matter how good you life is and most people do not learn this until their good life is shattered by the want of more. Learn to realize that your life is good and let your thoughts focus on those things. There can always be more, bigger, better, taller, leaner and so forth but every want begets more want.
> ...


Thank you Nochoice, I can appreciate your POV and I believe that perhaps that kind of state could be helped with practises like meditation and mindfulness. I am grateful for everything that I have. I have moments of sheer contentment where I am happy with the beautiful children I have and the strong man who supports me. It should be enough but I do have a restless mind and I can't stop myself from yearning for other experiences. Even if they are experiences that won't be ideal.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I think the age difference is not an issue, other than the fact you do seem to think of him more as a nice father figure rather than a hot lover.
> 
> My wife says you should be using words that show your fiancee turns you on, gets your motor running, makes you hot and bothered, and makes you want to screw his brains out. Screw all that respect and love stuff, that's for your parents.
> 
> ...


Haha WilliamM, that is a cute story. I am afraid my man has never done that, never ravished me as they say. The closest I get to the idea of being ravished is what I have gathered from racy novels. If I was to describe it, I would say I am the one who has had to do the seducing. Our sex does not have a typical masculine/feminine dichotomy where he 'takes his woman'. I think he is very effeminate in that regard.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

@turnera 

That is probably another thing worth mentioning. He is a very proud person with a fragile ego. I am actually scared to be honest about my concerns. I think he will go all 'dark' on me or he will not validate my feelings because he will tell me what he thinks is right. We sometimes have discussions (it could be about anything) but I often find I either have to agree or end up having to apologise. Granted, I do think he has an extremely strong practical mind and he quite often gets from point A to point B a lot faster than I do. So this is wherein lies his frustrations with me sometimes. But I do feel if I brought things up, he would definitely get very defensive and blame it all on me.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

aine said:


> Be honest with your H and tell him you want to spice up your sex life, perhaps go away on breaks, do more together. What does he work as? Are you working?


Hi Aine, I wouldn't have a clue how to spice up our sex drive. He works, but I home school our children full time.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

on_the_verge said:


> The problem is, is that I cannot stop myself from fantasising about other people. I dream about doing something again. I even emailed the old EA flame just to see how they were but then cursed myself for being so stupid and cut the contact once more.


You're teetering on the edge. I'm so glad you recognised that and came here.

It's not well known that women around their thirties have a spike in their testosterone levels and this can lead in some women to feeling unsatisfied in their life or relationship without really knowing why.

An exert from Women's Infidelity:


> *Stage 1
> *
> Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier.


Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity

The next stage is where you're at; actively looking to "find a spark", betray your fiance and wreck your children's happy home. That's the reality. 

I do understand and sympathise that _you're not happy_. But what you're going through is not uncommon and having that awareness should hopefully stop you before you do something drastic and devastating. It also means your age-gap and marital status are irrelevant. Your partner could be any age at all and it wouldn't matter because the problem is you.

This is good news because, I believe, the solution can be found in you too!


on_the_verge said:


> And the other one, we have tried in the past to inject some spice but I found that we were doing more his little kinks and they weren't really my thing. But I didn't bring any thing to the beds onto speak because *I don't really know what I want*


This is the point where it would be the wrong path, I think, to dwell too much on "unmet needs". As you say yourself, you don't know what you want, so it's impossible for your partner to meet if he's unaware of them or you're not even able to express them.



on_the_verge said:


> If, what you describe, could be the truth of the matter. I wouldn't have the first clue as to how to deal with it. It would involve hurting someone I only have the utmost love and respect for. To me, that seems unfathomable.
> 
> And contrary to what you say, even without the marriage in place, I have still experienced a great sense of commitment with him. And, IMO, children make a breakup far harder than marriage does.


If your thinking becomes dominated by what you have not, or what you may have missed out on *you will always be dissatisfied*. Just look at your post above and truly understand what's at stake. So sad, but we see it here all the time; happy, stable families discarded chasing "something missing".


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

azteca1986 said:


> on_the_verge said:
> 
> 
> > The problem is, is that I cannot stop myself from fantasising about other people. I dream about doing something again. I even emailed the old EA flame just to see how they were but then cursed myself for being so stupid and cut the contact once more.
> ...


Thank you Azteca1986, your message was really grounding and I think I need that. It's nice to become involved in a community of people who understand. I have been bobbing around in stormy seas for a while now and I think I, at least, just need to find some solid ground for a little while too.

Also, being communicative here is helping me not want to find those people out there who I know don't understand and could threaten my family.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

on_the_verge said:


> Haha WilliamM, that is a cute story. I am afraid my man has never done that, never ravished me as they say. The closest I get to the idea of being ravished is what I have gathered from racy novels. If I was to describe it, I would say I am the one who has had to do the seducing. Our sex does not have a typical masculine/feminine dichotomy where he 'takes his woman'. I think he is very effeminate in that regard.


Oh, so you do know what you want. If you want to be ravished you need to find a way to communicate that to you partner. Some men have a problem with nailing the **** out of the mother of their children. 

Also, you have to look at the "full-time childcare" aspect of your life. Children may be the light of our lives but they inevitably detract from our primary relationship. There are only so many hours in the day and we only have so much energy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

on_the_verge said:


> That is probably another thing worth mentioning. He is a very proud person with a fragile ego. I am actually scared to be honest about my concerns. I think he will go all 'dark' on me or he will not validate my feelings because he will tell me what he thinks is right. We sometimes have discussions (it could be about anything) but I often find I either have to agree or end up having to apologise. Granted, I do think he has an extremely strong practical mind and he quite often gets from point A to point B a lot faster than I do. So this is wherein lies his frustrations with me sometimes. But I do feel if I brought things up, he would definitely get very defensive and blame it all on me.


Of course this is the relationship dynamic. It's a daddy/daughter thing where he's the one in charge and he made sure to set that precedent right at the very beginning. What did you know? You were an 18 year old kid and didn't know any better - and that's exactly the way HIS type wants it.

Middle-aged men who get involved with teenage girls know full* well* they're working with immature, malleable minds they can bend and influence to their own advantage, and it's clear he did exactly that. Your admission that you always have to 'agree' with him or apologize to him every time you have a discussion - because HE'S always right - proves that point. About the only thing he doesn't do is 'spank' you, but if he does, please don't tell me about it. He already makes me dry heave just from reading about all the ways he's taken complete advantage of you.

I hated hearing how you had to give up college because you got pregnant. Yet ANOTHER sacrifice on *your* part for this selfish man.

Do yourself a BIG favor. Go back to school and get your degree. Stop being financially dependent on this manipulative man whose taken advantage of you since day #1. And for the love of ALL that's holy, don't even consider marrying him. Get your degree and use it to become financially independent from him, and then go out and live the life you were MEANT to live.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

on_the_verge said:


> Thank you Nochoice, I can appreciate your POV and I believe that perhaps that kind of state could be helped with practises like meditation and mindfulness. I am grateful for everything that I have. I have moments of sheer contentment where I am happy with the beautiful children I have and the strong man who supports me. It should be enough but I do have a restless mind and I can't stop myself from yearning for other experiences. Even if they are experiences that won't be ideal.


Yours is an example of how affairs start. One partner is wanting more. You do realize that your emotional affair has greatly messed your mind up?
You only knew this person via the net, where everybody seems perfect and wonderful because all they give you is what they think you want to see. It's a fantasy version. You fell for a fantasy.

You are STILL wanting the fantasy and your husband will never be enough. He can't possibly compete with a fantasy.

Eventually, you will likely get tired of wanting and start doing. You'll leave him.
Especially since he's not perfect and when he eventually screws up, you will amplify it in your mind.

Once one cheats, seems like the feelings for the spouse are usually dead. Yours are. He. Ant give you the spark anymore--- you gave it to someone else.

Don't know what to tell you.
I do think marrying a guy 20 years older was not smart.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

on_the_verge said:


> @turnera
> 
> That is probably another thing worth mentioning. He is a very proud person with a fragile ego. *I am actually scared to be honest about my concerns. I think he will go all 'dark' on me or he will not validate my feelings because he will tell me what he thinks is right.* We sometimes have discussions (it could be about anything) but I often find I either have to agree or end up having to apologise. Granted, I do think he has an extremely strong practical mind and he quite often gets from point A to point B a lot faster than I do. So this is wherein lies his frustrations with me sometimes. But *I do feel if I brought things up, he would definitely get very defensive and blame it all on me.*


I hope you realize that the bolded are emphasized by me in an effort to point out that this is not healthy or normal - both his inability to address issues without shutting down and your preemptive fear of how he may react.

This is precisely how a father/daughter relationship operates, particularly if the father is authoritarian... I.E. "my way or the highway."


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

Anyone got any tips on how to talk to a very defensive person about sensitive issues like these?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

on_the_verge said:


> Anyone got any tips on how to talk to a very defensive person about sensitive issues like these?


My suggestion would be to ask your questions in this forum: The Ladies' Lounge - Talk About Marriage

There's a much broader spectrum of opinions and you can tailor your thread to your specific needs. For instance, though I've been married a similar time to you, my wife is older than I am. Unsurprisingly, our relationship has a different dynamic to yours. If you'd particularly like to hear responses from couples with a 15+ years age difference that might provide you with better insights or the tips you're looking for.

As you may have noticed, it can be a little polarised in here. Some seemingly have no qualms with you breaking up your kid's home. Ordinarily going back and studying would be a great idea, but in the state of mind you're in, you would attract all the wrong kinds of attention. And then you'd be posting in this forum "I've made a terrible mistake..."

Put your energy back into your marriage and working on your communication till your situation stabilises.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I would recommend MC. The counselor should be fair and should ensure your concerns are expressed, heard, and understood by him. At the first session, you can clearly assert this as one of your expectations.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

azteca1986 said:


> on_the_verge said:
> 
> 
> > Anyone got any tips on how to talk to a very defensive person about sensitive issues like these?
> ...


Thank you. Yeah I think I may enter a different group. There have been some strong opinions here, not bad, things I should try to integrate. 

I think I need to learn more about age-gap relationships.


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## on_the_verge (May 10, 2017)

Thank you to everyone for your words of suggestion and advice. I am hopeful that I will come out of this fog.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

on_the_verge said:


> @turnera
> 
> That is probably another thing worth mentioning. He is a very proud person with a fragile ego. I am actually scared to be honest about my concerns. I think he will go all 'dark' on me or he will not validate my feelings because he will tell me what he thinks is right. We sometimes have discussions (it could be about anything) but I often find I either have to agree or end up having to apologise. Granted, I do think he has an extremely strong practical mind and he quite often gets from point A to point B a lot faster than I do. So this is wherein lies his frustrations with me sometimes. But I do feel if I brought things up, he would definitely get very defensive and blame it all on me.


verge, this is VERY disturbing. I don't know how much you know about psychology and relationships but I really hope you will start doing some reading. This is bordering on abuse. I'm _not _saying he's abusive, but I am saying your personality, his personality, and the fact that you were more or less a child when you married him has created an unfair environment. The truth is, women in controlling relationships almost never REALIZE they're in controlling relationships until it's pointed out. 

Do a little reading, see if any of this fits:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/subtle_control.html

Emotionally Destructive Relationship Questionnaire

QUIZ: is it love or control? | Love: the good, the bad and the ugly


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