# Recently found out he was cheating.



## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

I have been having a hard time with my marriage. It all started about 4 month ago. We argued so much that I kept on feeling alone. 

Then I found out my H had purchased a Hotel without letting me know. I found out about this a month later in December. I confronted him about it and he just said it was for tax purposes. His a tattoo artist and receives a 1099. 

He wouldn't give me a name and would tell me it didn't concern me. I asked him for divorce two weeks after arguing about this that whole time. I had the papers filled out and handed them to him. 

He instantly came out and told me why it was he bought it. He said he bought the hotel for a client that was staying in town that had cash to pay with and not a credit card. So he put it on his card while the client gave him cash.

That day we had a heart to heart talk. Or at least that's what I thought. So I decided to think about twice divorcing him. In the end I gave him another chance, even though deep down I felt as though he was lying. 

During that time I found professional help and sought out a counselor to help me with my emotional/mental health, as I have been for months having nightmares about him cheating on me. 

Two days ago, after a month of counseling and working on my marriage, searching online on how to build a stronger foundation, I asked to borrow the extra phone we recently got so that I can use the screen for signing online documents as my phones screen is broken. He was signed into his gmail and I went through it. 

The second email on that phone was an app called Baboo a chat/dating app. I looked through it and just a few days after we had, had that heart to heart talk that I though had helped us, he was flirting and asking multiple women to go on dates with him. 

Calling them all sweet names and sending them hearts etc. I was extremely sad and hurt and had a melt down. I put so much effort into trying to work on my marriage while he was throwing it to the side.

That same day that I found out about it I confronted him. I asked him to let me see his phone without questioning me for what, and trusting me. My hope was that if he did, then he would have deleted that app and had nothing to fear. 

As soon as I reached for his phone he got defensive and blocked me from getting it first. He kept on questioning me in regards to why I needed to see his phone. In the end he was well aware of what I was talking about. I left without seeing his phone. I told him I never wanted to see him again and I was never coming back.


I'm sorry it's very long. To me it seems straightforward that I need to take my leave, get a divorce and move on with my life. However I love him so much and hate him as well. I don't really know what to do.

My brain is made up and my heart keeps tugging me back. As of that day I took all my clothes and left the house. I have a step daughter that is 11, I've been in her life since she was 8. She is going through so much with her mom cheating on her boyfriend that my husband and I getting a Divorce is going hurt her even more. We are very close.

So I don't know what to do. I've been reading that it is possible to love and trust after an infidelity has occurred but I don't even know if that's what I want.

Although I don't have physical prove that he may have had sex with someone the day he bought the hotel, I have prove of the messages he exchanged with those women on the App. If his capable of texting someone else and asking them out on dates I feel as though he would have no problem going and being unfaithful to me sexually.

I feel very alone, it's a lot to take in.

Right now I am leaning more on Divorce then anything else, but it pains me to leave when It's my first marriage and I don't want to feel like a failure.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I know how alone you feel, but trust me you're not alone. There are plenty of people here who have been on both sides of infidelity, and you will have support with whatever path you take. People are going to come along who are far better at this than I am. You're not a failure for wanting better for yourself. 

You're husbands excuse for the hotel is absolute bull****, sorry to say. Even if it were true, he'd still be on the hook for any damages or extra charges which just makes him stupid. 

The only advice I'm going to give, is that you need to talk to a lawyer about your rights to custody or visitation with your stepdaughter. Sooner rather than later, because as of right now it could be seen that you abandoned her since you've left the house (you also need to talk to a lawyer about leaving the house). Depending on where you live you may have rights to her because you've acted as a parent to her and you are close (best interests of the child). Where I live, the only requirements are having lived with the child for 6 consecutive months and remaining in the child's life being in the best interests of the child. A Guardian ad litem may be able to be appointed and her own decision would be weighed in, and judges take that seriously. 

Here's a handy website if you're in the US. If you're in another country you should be able to search for step-parent or third party rights in your state, province or territory.
https://www.divorcesource.com/ds/laws/stepparent-s-right-to-request-custody-or-visitation-622.shtml


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## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

I actually didn’t think I had any rights to her since she has both her parents present. That’s very helpful to know. I felt as though I wouldn’t be able to see her again.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Coocoo1 said:


> I actually didn’t think I had any rights to her since she has both her parents present. That’s very helpful to know. I felt as though I wouldn’t be able to see her again.


Definitely talk to a lawyer about it. Soon. 

I didn't think step-parents had any rights either. I'm not my daughters biological father, and her biological father is in her life, so when my wife's infidelities came out I was scared that I'd lose my daughter. Knowing your rights and where you stand will help, and it may make you feel more comfortable to divorce. Even if you aren't sure if you want a divorce, talk to a lawyer. You can also file for divorce and get that process started. It can always be stopped later if something changes and you change your mind. I know that's hard to think about right now, and might feel too final. I knew without a doubt that my wife had affairs, among other horrible things, for our entire marriage and filing for divorce was still hard. I'd start by finding a lawyer and just going in to see where you stand and what your options are. You don't have to make any choices yet, but knowledge is power.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The unfortunate discovery of this heartbreaking information, @Coocoo1 just means that "class with him is no longer in session" and that a good seasoned family lawyer should be procured and consulted with, post haste, in order to offer protection of your legal rights!

Go for it!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce is a very good option.

The hotel is probably a marital asset so you might get 50% of the value. But your lawyer can tell you if this If this is the case.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Your lawyer is an essential step. Go soon. The sooner, the better. You don't have to take actions, just get advice on where you stand.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry CooCo, but you are doing the right thing, the fact that he went along with MC and still was on a chat application, tells you all you need to know. He has no respect for you or the marriage at all. He has most definitely cheated on you, the story about the hotel and client is a load of BS to cover his tracks. He probably cheated on his first wife too. YOu sound young, better you get out now when you can.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Coocoo1 said:


> I'm sorry it's very long. To me it seems straightforward that I need to take my leave, get a divorce and move on with my life.


Yup, you do.



> I have a step daughter that is 11, I've been in her life since she was 8. She is going through so much with her mom cheating on her boyfriend that my husband and I getting a Divorce is going mess her even more.


Don't use their kid as an excuse for why you probably "should stay" with this lying serial cheater. It's the responsibility of this girl's parents to set a better example for their kid and to provide a healthier environment for her, not yours. The fact that NEITHER of them have better morals than an alley cat isn't your problem. Besides, what kind of an example would _*you*_ be setting by staying with a lying serial cheater? You'll be teaching her to be a doormat who is too weak to leave someone who can't even show her the respect most of us show the common stranger on the street. THAT'S what she'd be seeing. You'd just be yet another player in the Dysfunction Junction Show she's already been watching every day.

You keep saying he '_*bought a hotel*_' but from what I'm reading, I think you actually mean that that he charged a night at a hotel on his credit card and claims he did it for a client/friend who only had cash and the hotel needed a credit card for his stay. Yeah, that story is a bunch of hogwash and deep down, you know that. 



> I've been reading that it is possible to love and trust after an infidelity has occurred but I don't even know if that's what I want. Although I don't have physical prove that he may have had sex with someone the day he bought the hotel, I have prove of the messages he exchanged with those women on the App. If his capable of texting someone else and asking them out on dates I feel as though he would have no problem going and being unfaithful to me sexually.


You're trying SO hard to delude yourself. The guy has been chasing women for who knows how long. He was just stupid enough - THIS time - to use his credit card for a night at a hotel. Many cheaters start to get sloppy when they get over confident because their spouse trusts them SO much that they never look into anything, and I think he rolled the dice this time putting the hotel on his card and it got him caught. But you rarely catch a cheater the FIRST time they cheat. Who _knows_ how many other times he's been with someone in a car, or at their place, or out in the woods, etc. etc. etc. He's a serial cheater.

If i were you, I'd be scheduling myself for a full panel of STD testing and an appointment at my layer's office.


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## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yup, you do.
> 
> Don't use their kid as an excuse.
> 
> ...


I just recently started working again and it took a lot of arguing because he didn't want me working. He wanted to take care of me and have me be a housewife for a long time. I also don't have health insurance but I am going to look into some resources for STD testing as for a lawyer I don't even think I can afford one but I will look into it. And yes you are right I apologies for that misunderstanging he charged a night of stay at a hotel, not bought a hotel.



aine said:


> YOu sound young, better you get out now when you can.


Thank you. I guess I am. I'm only 23 turning 24 soon but I still have a lot to learn, just sucks I had to go through this. Didn't imagine it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is not even worth trying to save anything. Let this fool go. I am guessing the house is his and that is why you left. Get away and never turn back. You will heal faster this way.


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## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> He is not even worth trying to save anything. Let this fool go. I am guessing the house is his and that is why you left. Get away and never turn back. You will heal faster this way.


The place is mine. My step-daughter stays with us half the time. I wasn't going to kick him out when he has no where to go and she needs a place to be in. I have a lot of family I can go to. He already knows he has 30 days to leave. Which is painful but it's the right thing to do... For me.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

According to your bio,you've only been in this relationship for 7-12 months,so with his actions my opinion is that he is just using you. I'm sorry,but I can't see love when this happens so early on. He has an 11 year old daughter,wants you to be a stay at home mom,and have the freedom to pursue other women. Pure subterfuge on his part.

You're only 23-24 with so much of life left to live. Uncertainty at your age about decision making is understandable.Every hard decision that you make over the years will empower you more,especially when it comes to situations that are detrimental to you in any way. You matter... take the steps for you.


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## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

TBT said:


> You matter... take the steps for you.


Thank you.


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## ttimmy95 (Feb 16, 2019)

Posted this on your other thread.....but thought I would put it here too:

I am sorry that you are going through this. I truly hope that you can somehow work it out with your husband.

That said, one thing I have recognized is that very few of the "infidelity" situations posted on this board are unique. The process is usually the same:

1. Unfaithful spouse gets caught in affair/affairs?
2. Unfaithful spouse shifts blame to other faithful spouse
3. Faithful spouse becomes confused as to what they should do....start to question if there is legitimacy to the unfaithful spouses claims.

I am not trying to be negative. Again, I hope you and your husband can somehow work through this. At the same time, and this is coming from personal experience as a cheater, unless your husband is internally ready to change/accept blame, they will not. Furthermore, even if they do stop cheating immediately, the road will still be rocky as damage has already been done. Although things may get patched back together temporarily, you will always have resentment (as you should) about how you have been treated during this time. This WILL cause issues later.

The difficult part about the above is, however, how do you know if your husband is truly ready to change? Unfortunately, there is no good answer to that question. Cheaters are often master manipulators, which makes it difficult to decipher honesty from planned manipulation. The question really should be.......how much of your time/life are you willing to risk in hopes that your spouse is truly ready to change? There is a VERY good chance that your hope could drag for a couple more years, only for you to find it doesn't work out anyway. Are you ready to risk that?

Regardless as to what you decide to do, consider the following. Some of the best advice I ever got was that "There is no RIGHT answer in these situations". You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what the RIGHT thing to do is. Reality is that there is no RIGHT thing. Take the information, make the best decision you feel you can, and be prepared to live with it knowing that you made the best decision you could at the time. Regardless of the outcome, that mindset will give you some peace.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

However much we all might wish love is enough to make a relationship work the truth is that it isn't. He very likely isn't going to change. You're better off moving on before you waste decades of your life (I wasted decades of mine thinking my husband would change and I deeply regret it).


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Coocoo1 said:


> The place is mine. My step-daughter stays with us half the time. I wasn't going to kick him out when he has no where to go and she needs a place to be in. I have a lot of family I can go to. He already knows he has 30 days to leave. Which is painful but it's the right thing to do... For me.


Say what?

The house is yours, but you let him stay because of his daughter? That is kind of you, but he will not go willingly. I hope you don't give in to him staying over the 30 days you gave him. I'm sorry, but I don't see much future with his daughter either. The poor kid has some sorry excuses for parents. I'm afraid you may have to let go of that precious child too. Keep in contact with her if you can, but she can't do much until she is of independent age to choose on her own. I hope she doesn't forget you love her deeply and in you she has the parent biology didn't give her. 

That is the saddest part. This fool married a great woman and he didn't value you. Shame on him!


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## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> Coocoo1 said:
> 
> 
> > The place is mine. My step-daughter stays with us half the time. I wasn't going to kick him out when he has no where to go and she needs a place to be in. I have a lot of family I can go to. He already knows he has 30 days to leave. Which is painful but it's the right thing to do... For me.
> ...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You may want to ask a mod to combine your two threads, since they are about the same thing to keep us from getting confused. I commented on your other thread, and don't want to write the same comment here.


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## Snow Fighter (Jul 19, 2018)

My wife had been acting strange for a few weeks, then I went through her phone while she was sleeping. I discovered that she too had a dating/chat app on her phone and was talking to some scumbag.

First it was denial, then a confession with blame shifting, then a apology with "but you made me."

Don't be in the same boat I am and regret not following through with divorce. She hasn't changed a bit and her main defense mechanism is always blame shifting.

Now I simply don't care anymore. That's not how a marriage should be. It's hell and I'm sure I'm not alone here, but you can never ever trust a lying cheating cheater ever again.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Coocoo1 said:


> I love him so much and hate him as well. I don't really know what to do.


Do you really love him? Or do you love the guy that he pretended to be and the person that you wanted him to be? Now that you know he lies to your face about extremely important matters and sleeps with other women (we presume that they are women), do you really love him - the real him? If so, my guess is that those feelings of love will fade fairly quickly.

Unless you are truly awful person yourself, you deserve much better than this.


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## Coocoo1 (Mar 2, 2019)

Snow Fighter said:


> My wife had been acting strange for a few weeks, then I went through her phone while she was sleeping. I discovered that she too had a dating/chat app on her phone and was talking to some scumbag.
> 
> First it was denial, then a confession with blame shifting, then a apology with "but you made me."
> 
> ...


Did you Divorce her? if so how long did that take? I am leaning towards Divorce. I started talking to him again and he keeps on apologizing saying he would do anything and as soon as I call him a cheater he blame me for it. I find it ridiculous and horrible of him to do makes me angry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Coocoo1 said:


> Did you Divorce her? if so how long did that take? I am leaning towards Divorce. I started talking to him again and he keeps on apologizing saying he would do anything and as soon as I call him a cheater he blame me for it. I find it ridiculous and horrible of him to do makes me angry.


You need to divorce him. He is blaming you for HIS actions... therefore he is NOT remorseful, he isnt going to stop, and he doesnt care how you feel. Is that the kind of man you want as your husband? I should think not. You are way too young to stay in this mess, you have your whole life ahead of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Coocoo1 said:


> Did you Divorce her? if so how long did that take? I am leaning towards Divorce. I started talking to him again and he keeps on *apologizing* saying *he would do anything* and as soon as I call him a cheater *he blame me* for it. I find it ridiculous and horrible of him to do makes me angry.


Well, there you have it. Words are cheap, Coocoo. Men grow up learning how to smooth-talk women. Users like your husband especially use it to keep you in line. They learn how to appeal to your guilt, your sense of duty, your need to hear sweet lovey things about you, while not intending to treat you with respect.

Consider it good that you learned now. You have your whole life ahead of you. Continue with the divorce - contact United Way if you're in the U.S. for help. And we can help you with ways to see if the guy you date next is credible or not.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He'll continue playing you as long as you allow him to. That's who he is. Don't want that? You know what to do.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

turnera said:


> Well, there you have it. Words are cheap, Coocoo. *Some people* grow up learning how to smooth-talk others. Users like your husband especially use it to keep you in line. They learn how to appeal to your guilt, your sense of duty, your need to hear sweet lovey things about you, while not intending to treat you with respect.
> 
> Consider it good that you learned now. You have your whole life ahead of you. Continue with the divorce - contact United Way if you're in the U.S. for help. And we can help you with ways to see if the guy you date next is credible or not.


Fixed that little bit for you turnera. It is not one side nor the other that has exclusive rights on manipulation.

OP, if your partner does not show true remorse, take responsibility for their actions, then follow through with consistent action, then they are just trying to keep the status quo going. They are not interested in making real amends.

All they want is to apply the least amount of effort to get the maximum benefits (i.e. your love, fidelity etc.)

Others on here have said this experience will 'empower' you. I disagree. It will weaken you for a while, but you will have gained a lot of wisdom that you can apply for the rest of your life.


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