# "They're acting foolish / crazy..."



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

How did friends and family respond to your assertions that the WS had basically flipped out? Did they agree or was your WS able to focus the blame on the marriage and not the affair? I.e. the affair was a "symptom" of a bad marriage?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I took the decision to keep my wife's affair a secret. Though it turned out my MIL knew something about what was happening and she gave me her support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't recall using the phrase that she flipped out. I told them what I knew at the time. Some were stunned some were supportive. Times like this helped me to see who was truly valuable in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

When i told my parents that the father of my 3 children was cheating on me, they said of course he is, did you not know...... Apparently everybody could see what was going on but me....

He was the type to stay out all day, and sometimes through the night, I just thought he was seeing his friends..... nothing wrong with that i thought....... How wrong was I......


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Her family rallied to support her fully. Our mutual friends just stayed out of it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

staystrong said:


> How did friends and family respond to your assertions that the WS had basically flipped out? Did they agree or was your WS able to focus the blame on the marriage and not the affair? I.e. the affair was a "symptom" of a bad marriage?


From her side, they wanted to know what I did that made her cheat.. 

My side of the family was all 'we don't judge, i hope you can work it out'..

My family still loves my wife that cheated on me, we visit and spend time with my family. I still can't talk to her mother or sister, they both aren't speaking with me. I'm not sure about the mom, I think it's because after I told my FIL how he was gas lit and blame shifted and lived with it for years, he called his ex and told her he needed some closure. She blames me for opening his eyes. Her sister never apologized to me for not telling me or telling her sister to stop the affair or she would tell me, and for letting her use her apartment. She's a victim now, because I texted her some mean texts when I found out. No sense of what I must have been feeling in that moment hearing that my wife was using her apartment on Sunday's as a love nest to meet her lover when she was supposedly feeding the cats and taking care of the house. I'd talk to her again if all she'd do is say she's sorry.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

staystrong said:


> How did friends and family respond to your assertions that the WS had basically flipped out? Did they agree or was your WS able to focus the blame on the marriage and not the affair? I.e. the affair was a "symptom" of a bad marriage?


Why would I tell friends and family that he had "flipped out?"

When my first husband cheated, I didn't tell anyone. Eventually confided in two people (my sister and mom) years down the road when is was safe and neither of us would be judged harshly for it. I never said one word about it to any of our mutual friends or his family, and I won't. 

I know his family hates me for the divorce, but then again they are _his family_...I don't need their love and support...he does.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I wonder if often people don't want to tell anyone because they are ashamed, and feel like they are less of a person because they were cheated on. If they figure others will assume they were a bad spouse, a failure, and that the husband or wife chose someone better. It's embarrassing, humiliating, demoralizing and painful to be cheated on. Perhaps they don't want to protect the person that cheated from shame, they want to protect themselves, to keep up a certain image. I'm not sure I see a benefit to protecting the image for the person that cheated, that seems to be more lying to cover up something covert. To me it would feel like I was contributing to helping them keep it a secret.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Faeleaf said:


> When my first husband cheated, I didn't tell anyone. Eventually confided in two people (my sister and mom) years down the road when is was safe and neither of us would be judged harshly for it. I never said one word about it to any of our mutual friends or his family, and I won't.


Not to hijack the thread, but this is a curious thing to say.

Why not expose him?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I chose not to tell any friends or family because you can't un-tell this, and *nobody truly gets what infidelity is like unless you've been through it*. I know I certainly didn't have a clue until I'd been through it myself.

I did share with a couple very close friends that we were having some problems and said something along the lines that he flipped out, but I focused on another set of problem behaviors that started before he cheated: his overspending and not discussing his purchases. In the process of doing that, there WAS some financial infidelity - spending large amounts of money that he didn't discuss with me first and basically hid from me. But I didn't use the word "infidelity" when I talked about this with my friends. I did suggest that he wasn't thinking straight, said he had been acting impulsively, not using good judgment, and said he was doing things behind my back. I also told them that he was in counseling (because he was, at first) and then that we were in MC. I did mention his anxiety issues and his decision to try to wean himself off his medication, and how badly that little experiment went.

By telling some of the story I could share some of my feelings with my friends (sadness, disappointment, betrayal) but not the whole truth of what went on nor the intensity of my feelings.

I think if you go the R route, the people who are loyal to you may not find it so easy to forgive your spouse, and their interactions may be different as a result going forward - because you can't un-tell. I understand the need for support because this experience is so horrible. But I also know that there could be negative feelings that can't be repaired if you tell someone outside the marriage about your spouse's infidelity. I purposely didn't tell anyone about his cheating (other than anonymously online, and the MC) because I didn't want to be as impulsive as my husband. I want people around us to believe in our marriage, to support our marriage. 

Some people believe infidelity is a deal-breaker, and I didn't want to take the chance that any of my friends and family are in that camp and would not be supportive of our marriage going forward.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Not to hijack the thread, but this is a curious thing to say.
> 
> Why not expose him?


My parents waged a vicious PR war against each other when they split up. It was hateful, childish and nasty, and my sister and I were caught in the cross-fire that eventually hurt our relationship with *both* of them. Believe me when I say that it was far more painful than the divorce was. They couldn't understand our need to have a loving relationship with the two people most important to us - our mom AND our dad. How important that was for our well-being. 

I don't think anyone wins when divorced people engage in mud-slinging. In my opinion, it makes them both look bad.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

You can tell the truth, expose the affair and not use the children in the struggle or play them. Honesty shouldn't be confused with using the children to help with your hate agenda. My children know what my wife did, and her respect took a huge hit. She's working hard to rebuild the trust with them, as she should have to. She lied to them just like she lied to me, and they deserved an apology too. They are late teens, early 20's.. and yes, those 'children' can be influenced at that age even though they seem like young adults.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Here's my story.. to elaborate.

I find out my wife's been cheating for years, so she's going to leave the house and move out.. I'm packing her stuff, getting a new bed, she quits her job...

What do I tell everyone? Why cover for her? What is the benefit to me? Keep her image intact? Protect her from what, her bad choices?

Would it not be a good lesson for my daughters, to see what infidelity does to a couple? So perhaps they don't follow in moms footsteps and take the 'our marriage wasn't working out so great at that moment in time so I cheated' path.

Also.. Divorce vs. R... My SIL's SIL and husband split.. D... I asked which one cheated, she said "what makes you ask that?" I said c'mon.... she said "They didn't say anyone cheated, but he's seeing the sons tutor now, he was cheating with her"

So often people know that D is because someone strayed, and they can often tell which one.. even though they don't talk about it.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Her family thinks I'm a monster and that her cheating was a result
of our bad marriage. After all, marriage is a 50/50 thing, right?
I must've been a horrible husband for her to be forced to take
her pants of twice a week for the OM during her lunch breaks and
then to come home later and give me sloppy seconds.

Must've been me. :scratchhead:

Such a joke.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Her family thinks I'm a monster and that her cheating was a result
> of our bad marriage. After all, marriage is a 50/50 thing, right?
> I must've been a horrible husband for her to be forced to take
> her pants of twice a week for the OM during her lunch breaks and
> ...


You were unable to morph into the guy at work and be there at work for her... that was an unmet need that you didn't fill. I had this same problem.


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

russell28 said:


> You can tell the truth, expose the affair and not use the children in the struggle or play them. Honesty shouldn't be confused with using the children to help with your hate agenda. My children know what my wife did, and her respect took a huge hit. She's working hard to rebuild the trust with them, as she should have to. She lied to them just like she lied to me, and they deserved an apology too. They are late teens, early 20's.. and yes, those 'children' can be influenced at that age even though they seem like young adults.


I respect your opinion on this - honestly I do. We just disagree, and I've always had very strong opinions about this that aren't likely to change. ;-)

And in my case, it *would* be mud-slinging to blame the divorce on his cheating, because that's not really the reason I filed. I stayed and tried to make it work, each time he cheated. There were other issues going on that eventually made this untenable. Dragging out the affairs, years later, would be petty on my part...airing his dirty laundry in order to hurt him.

And I've told both my kids that when they are old enough, if they want to have a talk about the divorce, I'll explain more things to them. I'll tell them that their dad wasn't in control of his temper, and that made it unsafe to live with him (true), and that since then he's gotten help with it and is much better (also true). I really don't think they need to know anything more than that.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Her family thinks I'm a monster and that her cheating was a result
> of our bad marriage. After all, marriage is a 50/50 thing, right?
> I must've been a horrible husband for her to be forced to take
> her pants of twice a week for the OM during her lunch breaks and
> ...


Blood is thicker than water in most instances.

BTDT with my EX cheating wife. Even though I was a freaking doormat and coddled her and spoiled her, and yet I was the monster. 

Frak them.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I should've indicated for those who exposed or whose WS were thinking about leaving for the AP.

My XW was brazen and exposed herself! Yes, of course trying to run a smear campaign. Yes, there was "someone else" but that's not why the marriage broke down. No, of course not. He was a knight, the Lancelot of cheap motels and lunch screws.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Faeleaf said:


> I respect your opinion on this - honestly I do. We just disagree, and I've always had very strong opinions about this that aren't likely to change. ;-)
> 
> And in my case, it *would* be mud-slinging to blame the divorce on his cheating, because that's not really the reason I filed. I stayed and tried to make it work, each time he cheated. There were other issues going on that eventually made this untenable. Dragging out the affairs, years later, would be petty on my part...airing his dirty laundry in order to hurt him.
> 
> And I've told both my kids that when they are old enough, if they want to have a talk about the divorce, I'll explain more things to them. I'll tell them that their dad wasn't in control of his temper, and that made it unsafe to live with him (true), and that since then he's gotten help with it and is much better (also true). I really don't think they need to know anything more than that.


Won't telling them he wasn't in control of his temper, and that he was unsafe be mud slinging too? 

I found out when I was 50 that my parents cheated on each other when I was in third grade.. affair and revenge affair. My sister told me after I found out about my wife recently. Even when I told my parents about my wife's affair, neither of them has mentioned that they had an affair. They want to keep that image up for me. That they have the perfect marriage... good for them, they fooled me long enough for me to develop a false sense of faith and trust in marriage. My morals and integrity were all influenced by my fraud parents that put on a good show for me. Eventually I found out exactly who they were/are.. and I don't hate them for any of it. They are humans. My point.. just because you don't tell them, doesn't mean they won't figure it out eventually.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Faeleaf said:


> My parents waged a vicious PR war against each other when they split up. It was hateful, childish and nasty, and my sister and I were caught in the cross-fire that eventually hurt our relationship with *both* of them. Believe me when I say that it was far more painful than the divorce was. They couldn't understand our need to have a loving relationship with the two people most important to us - our mom AND our dad. How important that was for our well-being.
> 
> I don't think anyone wins when divorced people engage in mud-slinging. In my opinion, it makes them both look bad.


My ex is a cold, calculating and manipulative cheater and I have no issue telling my young children that she and her AP were both liars and I do not like her AP because he took part in breaking up our family. She would like to brainwash them into thinking he is a great guy, but he is as deceptive and manipulative in relationships as she is. At this point, I am most sore about being stuck in her country. At least she didn't press charges when I pummeled her AP, so I give her credit for that. Her family knows I was never violent or angry with my ex, and honestly I think they understood. Seriously, who wouldn't? 

Sorry FaeLeaf, but I do not care if my children know that I don't like their mother. In fact, I prefer they know that I don't. And I don't mind if they know I don't like OM.. my ex wants to be PollyAnna about it. She actually told me if I really loved her then I should be happy for her. This is the mindset I'm dealing with.. shockingly oblivious. I have to remind her that she brought a man into our home and our bed. Put our child into daycare to arrange that. Lovely woman, no? She f'ed a good man over and there is nothing but bitterness there now. Part of it is my fault for not being stronger during the D-Day period, but when your soul is crushed it's not easy to follow TAM's very good tough love and stay above the fray advice. I will never be anything but 'pretend civil' with her and my sincere wish is that she gets cheated on. 

That being said, I do feel sorry for my children because it causes them some anxiety. I'd rather them be anxious than be duped. That's my own personal opinion and I don't care what the lame-brained therapists have to say. I've changed my worldview.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

My WW was a serial cheater due to the many demons in her closet. I said nothing to no one as we tried to work through them. That is, until her last A. It was the last straw. I couldnt take swallowing her foolish, impulsive, selfish and destructive behaviours anymore. I exposed the A's to WW's family, my family and 3 of our closest mutual friends. Everyone was shocked, disappointed and angry at her for destroying our family. Every single one of them have rallied behind me (and my son) except for one mutual friend who is giving both of us equal support. Her own family still loves her of course but have stopped communications with her at the moment. Everyone thinks she's lost it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

DidntLearnMyLesson said:


> My WW was a serial cheater due to the many demons in her closet. I said nothing to no one as we tried to work through them. That is, until her last A. It was the last straw. I couldnt take swallowing her foolish, impulsive, selfish and destructive behaviours anymore. I exposed the A's to WW's family, my family and 3 of our closest mutual friends. Everyone was shocked, disappointed and angry at her for destroying our family. Every single one of them have rallied behind me (and my son) except for one mutual friend who is giving both of us equal support. Her own family still loves her of course but have stopped communications with her at the moment. Everyone thinks she's lost it.


Which, if you think about it.. you should be prepared for once you decide it's okay to cheat. You should stop for a second, while processing the whole "should I go through with this" thing, that you might get caught, might have to pay some consequences. Many figure they want the out, the exit affair.. they justify that if they get caught they wanted to end the marriage anyway, or it was already over in their minds (love that one) but really they just wanted to eat cake. They should expect to lose respect of people if they act in a disrespectful way, and hurt people that love them. They shouldn't expect you to help them gloss it over and do image control, but I guess we aren't talking about people that are thinking rationally.

When you choose to cheat, you risk many things.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> How did friends and family respond to your assertions that the WS had basically flipped out? Did they agree or was your WS able to focus the blame on the marriage and not the affair? I.e. the affair was a "symptom" of a bad marriage?


My FIL told my WS he was full of sh it for blaming me for his own actions, which WS was certainly trying to do. MIL and SIL took WS's side and would have believed anything as that's what they do. MIL has both of her children on a pedestal so it really doesn't matter, to her, what either of them do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

russell28 said:


> Won't telling them he wasn't in control of his temper, and that he was unsafe be mud slinging too?
> 
> I found out when I was 50 that my parents cheated on each other when I was in third grade.. affair and revenge affair. My sister told me after I found out about my wife recently. Even when I told my parents about my wife's affair, neither of them has mentioned that they had an affair. They want to keep that image up for me. That they have the perfect marriage... good for them, they fooled me long enough for me to develop a false sense of faith and trust in marriage. My morals and integrity were all influenced by my fraud parents that put on a good show for me. Eventually I found out exactly who they were/are.. and I don't hate them for any of it. They are humans. My point.. just because you don't tell them, doesn't mean they won't figure it out eventually.


Yes, they may find out about the affairs, and I'm okay with that if it happens. We talk frankly about their dad and they know he's not a saint, but that he's a great guy in many ways in spite of that (I always tell them so) and I fully support their relationship with him. 

They are old enough to remember the temper, and remember the anger management classes he had to take. And when we talk about it, I think I'm pretty even-handed, stressing the positives as well as the negatives. I will NOT tear him down.


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## DidntLearnMyLesson (Jun 25, 2014)

russell28 said:


> Which, if you think about it.. you should be prepared for once you decide it's okay to cheat. You should stop for a second, while processing the whole "should I go through with this" thing, that you might get caught, might have to pay some consequences. Many figure they want the out, the exit affair.. they justify that if they get caught they wanted to end the marriage anyway, or it was already over in their minds (love that one) but really they just wanted to eat cake. They should expect to lose respect of people if they act in a disrespectful way, and hurt people that love them. They shouldn't expect you to help them gloss it over and do image control, but I guess we aren't talking about people that are thinking rationally.
> 
> When you choose to cheat, you risk many things.


WW even admitted to her mother that she would still be in this marriage had i not found out! Cake-eating at its finest! 
Everyone believes that WW's inability to acknowledge and deal with her troubled past and pain causes her to impulsively indulge in self destructive behaviours. That the real cause of the marriage breaking down is her unhappiness within herself and NOT within the realtionship. They all commended me for my patience, understanding and love for her and our family throughout our relationship. And her willingness to throw someone like me away has caused everyone in WW's life (including her mother and entire family) to look at her with disdain. 
Sometimes blood isn't thicker than the cold hard truth.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

That's a much better outcome, DLML.

I know. Later on, I got the "I didn't want to divorce" line. They really are amazing.. they've learned to say whatever feels right in the moment for a desire end.

Paradox of my life: If I had not been an OM, I would have never have met the love of my life and had these amazing children I have. But then my children and I wouldn't have suffered either. It almost feels like a script in and of itself. And I wouldn't have learned of the pain I caused someone else and seen how I had been duped. He got off easier, that man, and dodged a bullet.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

staystrong said:


> *They really are amazing.. they've learned to say whatever feels right in the moment for a desire end.*


:iagree:


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm a BW reconciling with my WH. 

His family was immediately incredibly supportive of me, for which I am eternally grateful. 

My extended family, on the other hand, seems uncomfortable with the entire concept of reconciliation, and has become increasingly distant towards both of us.


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