# Divorce turned nasty



## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Hi all – so I’m divorcing my wife and her true colours are showing. Guess I’m just after advice how to deal with all this crap from people that may have been in the same situation.

We’re still living together in the same house with our kids and she’s turned in to a nasty, spiteful bully.

She wants to rush the divorce through and tries to pressure me in to agreeing to things, while I’m taking longer to make decisions so I’m sure about what I’m agreeing to. I sought legal advice, she didn’t and decided to insult me for doing so, she thought it was sad.

While I’m laughing at some of the things she’s doing, for example, she’s recently hidden some of my food from the cupboards or she’ll hide the tv remote!! Not sure what the point is, I’ll just eat other food or watch TV on my tablet. She has done other things like take money from the joint account, only to put it back a week later.
She’s being a bully and yes, people can respond with grow a pair or man up but I’m doing all I can to remain calm, follow the divorce process and protect the kids as much as I can. The worry is, how low will she go?

She’s the higher earner so I think it’s dawning on her that I’m probably going to come away with more than her.

Has anyone else had a person turn nasty, become a deluded bully and if so, how did you cope?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Smithy said:


> Hi all – so I’m divorcing my wife and her true colours are showing. Guess I’m just after advice how to deal with all this crap from people that may have been in the same situation.
> 
> We’re still living together in the same house with our kids and she’s turned in to a nasty, spiteful bully.
> 
> ...



Yes. Not only in my own divorce, but there are many threads on this forum in which the divorce turned downright nasty and contentious. I think you would gain a lot of perspective by reading some of the other threads.

The most important thing you need is competent, skilled legal advice. Follow it to a "T". 

And keep a VAR on you at all times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Smithy, make sure to keep a record of what she does. And tell your solicitor/lawyer.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

It may be in another thread but you have not mentioned why you are getting divorced. Is she blaming you and taking it out on you? If she is not on board with the divorce, it could be that she is taking out her hurt on you.

Is sitting down to talk an option, maybe coming up with a cohabiting plan? Are you moving out soon?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Divorce for most of us regular working class schmoes is a simple, cold process. You take all of the assets you two have accumulated during the marriage and subtract the debt. The remaining difference is divided in two and is usually what you'll each walk away with at the end. 

Divorce turns nasty for a few of reasons: 

1) people involved both want the same asset (house, vacation home, retirement accounts etc) as part of their 50%.

2) alimony is brought into the picture

3) one person is trying to punish the other with the divorce.

My recommendations for people seeking or in the divorce process is to take the emotion out of it. 

-Focus on the numbers. It's not about ****ing your STBX over. It's about getting out of a crappy marriage so that you can move on with your life. 

-Make sure you are getting a fair division of asset/debts but don't haggle over petty nickel and dime stuff. 

-Hire an ethical lawyer. Many encourage contentious actions to drag out the process. The more you and the ex disagree, the more they get paid. 

- since you mentioned your STBx making more money than you.... Unless it's a substantial difference, let it go. It'll cost you more to argue almony than it will to just take your 50% and move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The lady is angry.

And anger is not rational.

Anger bubbles out, it finds those fissures that relieve pain.
If none found, it breaks out everywhere

She had a plan for that money that she removed. Then she changed her mind, or did not need it after all.

Let her act out, divorce is hard, many cannot handle this known stress, well.

They fall into that well and drown....in their anger and sorrow.
No one likes to lose.



KB-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I read your other Thread.

I did not want to grip it tight, as it was oily, due to her rancid buttery ways.

She has stabbed you in the back, many times.

She is this vicious women you speak of. 
She is a sick, sad bag of wag worms.
She has no love in her black heart for you, no.

Continue on with the divorce. Let her stoop to poop.
Laugh at her nonsense. This, her awful offal.
She seems to enjoy the aroma and the after taste.

I am sorry that you must endure, and go through this...... with this puff of a woman.



KB-


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

its pretty normal for the person who has the most to lose will try to intimidate and rush through a process in order to keep the most. clearly her behavior is demonstrating that, and i think you are doing the right thing stay clam and clear headed.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Thanks all for the replies.

i didn't want the divorce i wanted to fight for the marriage but really glad we didnt now.

I think part of the problem is she thought we'd divorce, she'd come out of it with more than half the finances and it's slowly dawning on her that what she thought she'd get, isn't going to happen.

I honestly just want this over and to come out of it with enough to live well afterwards and be able to provide for my kids when they're with me. I don't want to screw her over (she does me), i want us to come out on an equal footing so i need more of the equity because she earns more. She doesn't care about that.

I have a solicitor but already spent more on them than i'd have hoped, simply because of the crap she's been pulling, I've needed to speak to them more.

For those unaware, i'm in the UK so i'm guessing the divorce process is different to those in the USA?? Spiteful women are the same i guess no matter where they live.

I cant move out because i cant afford to and neither would i want to because she'll say i can survive without a bigger slice of the finances. Does anyone have any tips on how to negotiate with people like my soon to be ex over finances or do we think this is just going to be a slog between solicitors?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you find out that she was in fact cheating with the coworker ? What pushed you over the edge ? I'm assuming that you filed for divorce and not her ?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would say to stop discussing it with her and only go through your solicitor. You need to have as little contact with her as possible at this point. Detach, 180. Businesslike only from here forward. And document the crap out of EVERYTHING.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Smithy said:


> Thanks all for the replies.
> 
> i didn't want the divorce i wanted to fight for the marriage but really glad we didnt now.
> 
> ...


Ignore what I posted. I am not at all familiar with UK divorce laws. Maybe one of our resident UK posters will provide you with better insight.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Now, did you finally find out that she was/is cheating on you? I think you did, but I can't remember on your thread...

I think you know that she is. 

She is the biggest earned so this is going to cost her money. Did you also break up her affair? 

And you are surprised that she is being nasty? Really, you are surprised about that? 

Come on, not really, right? 

You messed up her plan of having you to baby sit while she was out parting and banging other guys, and you wonder why she is nasty... 

You are so selfish...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She was for sure engaged in an EA, with what appeared to be no intention of stopping said EA.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> She was for sure engaged in an EA, with what appeared to be no intention of stopping said EA.


I am not going to reread the last thread, but... 

You know how it goes, adults with proximity have sex, that is ALMOST universal...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Best advice I can give you is to take stringent steps to protect yourself. Sounds like she already knows she can't steamroll you ... which may actually escalate her behavior.

If possible, try to make it clear that you want to work towards a smooth transition for the both of you, and particularly for your children. Emphasize the well-being of the children. But ... if she is determined to make it a war of attrition, and harm everyone in the process, you'll fight her every step if that is the route she would prefer.

Be VERY aware of how sinister things can actually get. I can recall a number of occasions on the board where women have manufactured charges about their husband in an effort to get them out of the house and win favor with the court. Suggest you have a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) with you at all times while you are dealing with her.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Yes, she was 100% having an EA. At the time i knew it, just didn't want to believe it i guess. If any one reads this and my other thread in the future, trust your gut! 

Whether i've broke it up, who knows, dont care either.

To answer the question of am i surprised she's being nasty, i knew things would get difficult because she's driven by money and used to getting her own way but never thought she'd get this nasty and pathetic. Maybe that was me being naive again, so now she isnt getting it her way and it's dawning on her that i'm (hopefully) going to come out of this with a bigger share, i'm just concerned about how low she'll sink.

I have started to record all conversations now, can't trust her one bit. It's weird how in less than a year we've gone from having a dip in our marriage to I absolutely despise her.

Does anyone think her bullying could be used against her if it continues? Or the way she uses the kids to try and hurt me, for example, she'll keep them out late and only come back at bedtime meaning i'm currently seeing them for 30mins or so.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Smithy said:


> Yes, she was 100% having an EA. At the time i knew it, just didn't want to believe it i guess. If any one reads this and my other thread in the future, trust your gut!
> 
> Whether i've broke it up, who knows, dont care either.
> 
> ...


The bullying, likely not. That's just noise as far as the legal system is likely concerned. I'm no lawyer, though.

Keep track of the schedule with the kids. Write it down, take videos with your phone of them returning, and keep them safe with timestamps and GPS location intact. Those could come in very handy with custody issues.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't know what the status of parental alienation laws are in the UK, but suggest you familiarize yourself with them.

Just keep being a stable, steady force in the lives of your kids.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Smithy said:


> To answer the question of am i surprised she's being nasty, i knew things would get difficult because she's driven by money and used to getting her own way but never thought she'd get this nasty and pathetic. Maybe that was me being naive again, so now she isnt getting it her way and it's dawning on her that i'm (hopefully) going to come out of this with a bigger share, i'm just concerned about how low she'll sink.


Divorces very often turn nasty. It just happens to be your bad luck that you have to be in the same house with her while most people separate and live separately during the proceedings. Since you're there, you have to be subjected to her nastiness and passive-aggressive antics that you wouldn't have to be subjected to if you weren't there obviously. She's just trying to make you want to leave so that you will leave. She's also trying to provoke you. But stay strong. Maybe take some St. John's Wort and see if that will make it easier to tolerate. The last thing you want to do is allow her to push the wrong button into doing something you will regret. So find a way to deal mentally. That might even mean seeing a doctor to give you something that will help you tune out and not feel the effects of her passive-aggressiveness. But even that could make you vulnerable to her complaining that you are unstable or something, but St. John's Wort is a natural over-the-counter herbal product known to help with mood. I'm not saying you need help with your mood but that it just might help with you to prevent the normal responses to this kind of stimuli (her passive-aggressive antics and nastiness). If you're not stimulated by it, then you won't react to it because it won't bother you. I just think that sometimes people might need a little something to help get through this kind of hard time that is out of your control.



Smithy said:


> I have started to record all conversations now, can't trust her one bit.



Good. Video her also when possible if that is legal in your country.



Smithy said:


> Does anyone think her bullying could be used against her if it continues? Or the way she uses the kids to try and hurt me, for example, she'll keep them out late and only come back at bedtime meaning i'm currently seeing them for 30mins or so.



See what your solicitor says about that. And just know that after this is over, you'll have your share of time with them that she won't be able to interfere with. but for now, don't even expect to see them. You should be trying to stay out of the house as much as possible yourself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I used to hate alimony. But now that women are being paid commensurate with men, and are now having to shell out alimony if they made more than their husbands...? I'm liking some of the unexpected ironies of the effects of feminism on our culture. They wanted equality with men, well there it is. Pay up dearies.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Smithy said:


> Yes, she was 100% having an EA. At the time i knew it, just didn't want to believe it i guess. If any one reads this and my other thread in the future, trust your gut!
> 
> Whether i've broke it up, who knows, dont care either.
> 
> ...


Where is she going with the kids everyday until so late at night?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Smithy said:


> Yes, she was 100% having an EA. At the time i knew it, just didn't want to believe it i guess. If any one reads this and my other thread in the future, trust your gut!
> 
> Whether i've broke it up, who knows, dont care either.
> 
> ...


Here are two threads of nasty UK divorces. @MattMatt one is private section and OP isn't up to

30 posts. Maybe you can override it? 

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/362666-wifes-affair-continues-during-divorce.html

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/372466-between-rock-hard-place-ws-2-a.html


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She will try every trick in the book. The two threads I posted above, they go into detail on those tricks.

Have nanny cams hidden because she can accuse you of domestic violence and keep you from your

kids. If she has full custody, you still may end up paying her. It's not that she wants your $, she

just doesn't want you to have any of hers.
@Danny4133 @Melrose8888


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Here are two threads of nasty UK divorces. @MattMatt one is private section and OP isn't up to
> 
> 30 posts. Maybe you can override it?
> 
> ...


 @Smithy The only way to have faster access to the Private section is to become a Forum Supporter.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/payments.php


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Smithy, good for you in retaining an attorney. Your rights will be protected, and you will remove a lot of emotional elements by acting thru your representatives. Document absolutely everything she does and says. Even if you consider it minor, it goes to a pattern of behavior which could be brought into a courtroom and reflect poorly on your soon to be ex wife. She is likely resentful, because girlfriends tend to overstate what the results of property settlements are for the female spouse. Every settlement is dependent on what was put in and by whom. So when she began this exercise, she had stars in her eyes. Thought that she would be the wealthy or comfortable divorcee, with a harem of males following her to her villa in Monaco. Reality is a lot freakin less. That villa may be a crappy one bedroom. That harem, may be postal employees serving her your writs, and bill collection notices. So yeah, her unicorn dreams of a great life post divorce are not working out like she planned. And of course you are irritating her by continuing to breathe. 

My advice. Keep your head down, let your attorney burn her. I have been in the room when the final settlement was reached and the decree absolute has been granted and heard one or two spouses utter this phrase: Not fair, everyone told me I would have so much after this, and look. I gotta work, I lose my house, and I have nobody. Karma.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Unfortunatle For you this is who she is, always was and will be. You must realize that and quit expecting anything more.

Guard yourself and keep out of harms way. She will use and do anything to better herself.

Look up Grey Rocking. As much limited contact as you can is your only good path here.

Learn to ignore. You can't win playing her game. So just don't play.

Contact preferrably by text or email, Kids or divorce/business only. Zero engagement on anything else.

You can control your life only.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Smithy said:


> Hi all – so I’m divorcing my wife and her true colours are showing. Guess I’m just after advice how to deal with all this crap from people that may have been in the same situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



My ex wife and I luckily didn’t have kids. You have to have sex to have kids, so there was a silver lining with that.

Some things she did leading up to our separation: emotional abuse, belittling, cheating, disappearing for long weekends with no explanations, and finally physical abuse.

Some things she did during the separation: spend all of my money that she could get her hands on, ran up credit card debt, continued her affair (and this is where it came to light), had sex with other guys in my bed while I was paying the mortgage, threw out a bunch of my stuff including family heirlooms and other stuff that was important to me just to spite me when I created my own bank account and redirected my money there. She also started to tell people that I was mentally ill, was considering hospitalizing myself, that I couldn’t hold down a job, keep any friends, and that I was emotionally abusive to her. This came as a surprise to my friends (that I kept), and a surprise to her friends and family when none of that turned out to be true.

Some things she did during our divorce: she fought our separation agreement tooth and nail (in Canada you have to wait a year to get a divorce but you can legally separate your assets) - I ended up literally giving her everything to avoid alimony, but she was still mad that my cheques no longer went into our joint account and still mad that I wouldn’t pay her bills, she vacated our condo when I wouldn’t pay the mortgage on it, so I had to move back into it temporarily, and I had to sell it on my own even though she took much of the proceeds from the sale.

When our divorce was finalized (I forced her to file it with the courts as she was the one that was leaving), she sent a server to my office claiming to be the police “wanting to talk to me,” because she had been telling people that I was fighting the divorce. Which I wasn’t. My boss took me to reception, laughed when it turned out not to be the police at all (he knew what was going on), and I of course happily signed it on the spot. My friends threw me a very large party that night, and I took off to the coast with my new girlfriend (later wife) the next day.

She called me while we were driving that day, asking for me to give her money for her lawyer. I said no to that, told her we were divorced, and that means that I never have to give her anything again. And that it was laughable for her to expect me to pay her lawyer to divorce me. She said that if I agreed to pay her bill, then ‘maybe we can talk about our relationship.’ I laughed, my girlfriend laughed, my now ex wife asked who that was and if I was cheating on her. I told her no and to never talk to me again, hung up, and blocked her number.

And that was that.

What I learned?

1. Protect yourself, protect your stuff, call the ball early, and don’t be a chump.

2. Someone that claims to love you can actually hate you, hate what you represent, and want to destroy you from the inside out. In fact, during divorce, I would expect this.

3. You never know someone until you divorce them.

4. I could survive this, and I could survive it again if I had to.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Marduk said:


> 1. Protect yourself, protect your stuff, call the ball early, and don’t be a chump.
> 
> 2. Someone that claims to love you can actually hate you, hate what you represent, and want to destroy you from the inside out. In fact, during divorce, I would expect this.
> 
> ...


QFT especially the *bold* one


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

wow, everyone, thank you so much for the replies. I haven't got time to respond to everything now or read through the threads that have been posted but I will try to later.

It's been a really tough week and I have got quite down but I try to picture the end result of a new life, new house and time with my kids without her dictating what i need to do. The problem is, reality hits and that end result seems light years away and I've got to put up with all this crap for a while yet.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Smithy said:


> wow, everyone, thank you so much for the replies. I haven't got time to respond to everything now or read through the threads that have been posted but I will try to later.
> 
> 
> 
> It's been a really tough week and I have got quite down but I try to picture the end result of a new life, new house and time with my kids without her dictating what i need to do. The problem is, reality hits and that end result seems light years away and I've got to put up with all this crap for a while yet.




Make small, easily achieved milestones that keep you moving forward. Celebrate even small victories. 

One foot in front of the other. If you get overwhelmed, just think about what is immediately in front of you and what your next physical action is.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

StarFires said:


> Divorces very often turn nasty. It just happens to be your bad luck that you have to be in the same house with her while most people separate and live separately during the proceedings. Since you're there, you have to be subjected to her nastiness and passive-aggressive antics that you wouldn't have to be subjected to if you weren't there obviously. She's just trying to make you want to leave so that you will leave. She's also trying to provoke you. But stay strong. Maybe take some St. John's Wort and see if that will make it easier to tolerate. The last thing you want to do is allow her to push the wrong button into doing something you will regret. So find a way to deal mentally. That might even mean seeing a doctor to give you something that will help you tune out and not feel the effects of her passive-aggressiveness. But even that could make you vulnerable to her complaining that you are unstable or something, but St. John's Wort is a natural over-the-counter herbal product known to help with mood. I'm not saying you need help with your mood but that it just might help with you to prevent the normal responses to this kind of stimuli (her passive-aggressive antics and nastiness). If you're not stimulated by it, then you won't react to it because it won't bother you. I just think that sometimes people might need a little something to help get through this kind of hard time that is out of your control.
> 
> See what your solicitor says about that. And just know that after this is over, you'll have your share of time with them that she won't be able to interfere with. *but for now, don't even expect to see them. You should be trying to stay out of the house as much as possible yourself*.


Thank you for the advice. That part in bold, that's the tough part. I expected she'd be like this but that doesn't make it easy. It doesn't help that she's off at the minute with them because it's the school holidays (she's a teacher), so she really does have full control. If i were to raise it with her, she'd just deny it and then do it even more. I'd actually move out but why should i, this is my house too, wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she'd driven me out. Plus, i couldn't afford to anyway or give her an excuse to say i can survive on my own without needing more of the finances.




Lila said:


> Where is she going with the kids everyday until so late at night?


So because she's off with the boys she'll take them out before i get home and stay out. or, if they've got a club, she'll take them to that and not bring them home until bedtime. She's not meeting up with anyone, my boys would tell me 




Taxman said:


> Smithy, good for you in retaining an attorney. Your rights will be protected, and you will remove a lot of emotional elements by acting thru your representatives. Document absolutely everything she does and says. Even if you consider it minor, it goes to a pattern of behavior which could be brought into a courtroom and reflect poorly on your soon to be ex wife. She is likely resentful, because girlfriends tend to overstate what the results of property settlements are for the female spouse. Every settlement is dependent on what was put in and by whom. So when she began this exercise, she had stars in her eyes. Thought that she would be the wealthy or comfortable divorcee, with a harem of males following her to her villa in Monaco. Reality is a lot freakin less. That villa may be a crappy one bedroom. That harem, may be postal employees serving her your writs, and bill collection notices. So yeah, her unicorn dreams of a great life post divorce are not working out like she planned. And of course you are irritating her by continuing to breathe.
> 
> My advice. Keep your head down, let your attorney burn her. I have been in the room when the final settlement was reached and the decree absolute has been granted and heard one or two spouses utter this phrase: *Not fair, everyone told me I would have so much after this, and look. I gotta work, I lose my house, and I have nobody. Karma*.


You've got her spot on, she had it in her head that she would come away with the house, be better off financially (because apparently i never contributed) and be able to do whatever she wanted, slowly, it's become apparent she's getting less and less. The bit in bold, god i hope that's what happens. I know that sounds spiteful butshe's been badly influenced in all of this by bitter friends and the crap she's putting me through, she deserves to come out 2nd best.



Marc878 said:


> Unfortunatle For you this is who she is, always was and will be. You must realize that and quit expecting anything more.
> 
> Guard yourself and keep out of harms way. She will use and do anything to better herself.
> 
> ...


Grey rocking, never heard of that but very interesting from what i've just read. My natural reaction has been to laugh at her when she's done some really petty things but i guess that winds her up. I'll give it a go. And yes, i've learnt very quickly theres no point playing her game, she's a pro at it!



Marduk said:


> What I learned?
> 
> 1. Protect yourself, protect your stuff, call the ball early, and don’t be a chump.
> 
> ...


Wow, thank you for sharing, and i though mine was going crazy and spiteful! Glad you coped and came out the other side all ok. The part in bold, so true.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

I've been through nearly the exact same scenario. She's a teacher. She had an affair w/coworker. She earned more. Two pre-teen boys at home. Stuck for awhile until I got some cash to move out. Just wanted it to be over. 

The one massive difference is, I had just gotten a vas. reversal, and we were trying to have a baby. Then her affair happened out of the blue. It was total, flipping devastation. I was so emotional that I felt I had no choice but to go on an SSRI (St. John's Wort didn't help). The SSRI balanced me out really, really nicely, and I was able to go off of it a few months later after my head was MUCH clearer. Just saying.

A couple things to add:

Keep your toothbrush in a safe place. I found out she was cleaning the toilet with mine.

Insist on your own, independent appraisal of your house. Her appraiser can make up any number he feels like. Failing to do this was by far my dumbest move.

I don't think you mentioned it, but if you should be having trouble sleeping, there are some great Youtube videos that help you clear your head and get the rest that is so very critical. 

Good luck and I'm sure we'll all be here for you through the duration.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Hey Smithy, just a quick hello from me to say feel free to ask any questions - I have 2 boys and went through divorce in the UK a couple of years ago. Chuck posted the link to my story above.

You've already been given great advice but I'd second documenting everything (journal it all), keep communication to a minimum (and in writing if possible). I'd also suggest trying to get STBXW into mediation (and one with a female mediator) as that will work out the cheapest and most amicable - try and get it so it sound like it was WW idea and make the focus about the children.

Make sure you have a great time with your boys when you see them. It takes time to recover but you'll be better off once you're through it all (I can see you are already starting to realise that!).


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Urgh, tough weekend followed by tough Monday!

She can be relentless, messaging me at work, bombarding me with figures and trying to rush me to make decisions still.
@Melrose8888 - sorry, i hadn't said that we have started mediation, first session we agreed 50/50 with the boys which was expected. The hard part was always going to be the finances.

We were meant to have another mediation session recently but we still dont have her pension details, which my solicitor says is required to come to a financial agreement. Once full financial disclosure has happened, we're in a position to agree the equity split of the house, agree the sale of the house and decide if our pension pots are required to top one of us up. She's in total disagreement and says we dont need her pension details to start the negotiations.

I havent a clue what i'm doing so trusting my solicitor and hoping for the best.

As far as i'm concerned, i'm the lowest earner so will need more of the equity to raise a half decent mortgage but she doesn't care about that either. From what i've researched and been told by my solicitor, we have to somehow maintain the status quo, of course we'll both be worse off after the split but we need to have a similar living standard afterwards. So, again i require more of the equity in order to get a comparable mortgage to what she can raise. I know i'll never be equal with her but if we go 50/50 split of equity, she'll be able to raise nearly 100k more than me for a mortgage and what i could raise wouldnt get me anything.

She also has a car she needs to pay off to the tune of 14k and wants me to pay half but again that eats in to my mortgage capabilities and as far as i'm concerned, it's her car.

I am documenting everything, i am taking pictures of everything in every room in case she starts removing more stuff.

I'm trying to completely avoid her, no verbal communication but what there has been, i've tried the grey rocking technique, early days, it's extremely hard not to put forward your defence or side of the story.

It's one of my kids birthdays coming up and we'd agreed i could take him to see my family on the day, because i havent given in to her house demands, she's now refusing to let me take him. Just nasty, using the kids to get at me, not a care what that will do to him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

How old is the child that she refuses to let you take to your family? If it's not out of "state" (NOT sure of laws in UK, so...), is there anything she can do? SHE takes the kids and keeps them out so you can't have time with them, yes? If so, then why can you just take the kids and go. Text her that you did it so she can't claim you kidnapped them, etc.? I'd talk that over with your solicitor...


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> How old is the child that she refuses to let you take to your family? If it's not out of "state" (NOT sure of laws in UK, so...), is there anything she can do? SHE takes the kids and keeps them out so you can't have time with them, yes? If so, then why can you just take the kids and go. Text her that you did it so she can't claim you kidnapped them, etc.? I'd talk that over with your solicitor...


He's going to be 7, it's not out of the country so in theory there's nothing to stop me just taking them but, she will cause a scene in front of them and that's what i want to avoid and i guess she knows this.

I can either just try it and see if she attempts to block or, i've just thought, give her the option that all my family will just come up to us. Theres no-way she'll want that! God, why does it have to be so pathetic, just let the kid enjoy his birthday


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Smithy said:


> Thanks all for the replies.
> 
> i didn't want the divorce i wanted to fight for the marriage but really glad we didnt now.
> 
> ...


I am in the UK, have you tried mediation? IT seems ideal for you. 
Don't make any decisions without talking to the solicitor. Most importantly, do what my husband did and don't stoop to her level. Act with decency and integrity always. Your children will see that and respect you for it. 
You will come out of it with your head held high as he did.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Hi Diana7 - yep, been to one session of mediation. The problem is, even after she's sought legal advice, she still seems to have the wrong idea as to what she's entitled to, or she has a very good solicitor.... or i have a crap one :|

It's so hard not to stoop to her level, i've slipped a couple of times and beat myself up for it. I dont like confrontation so when she's really gone for it and pressed my buttons i panicked and just blurted out any old insult. That was a while ago now though, any conversation we've had recently it's her thats lost it and i've managed to keep calm and stick to facts. I guess thats a positive of all of this, i'm learning and growing and if i can survive all this crap she's doing, i'll be a better person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Smithy said:


> Hi Diana7 - yep, been to one session of mediation. The problem is, even after she's sought legal advice, she still seems to have the wrong idea as to what she's entitled to, or she has a very good solicitor.... or i have a crap one :|
> 
> It's so hard not to stoop to her level, i've slipped a couple of times and beat myself up for it. I dont like confrontation so when she's really gone for it and pressed my buttons i panicked and just blurted out any old insult. That was a while ago now though, any conversation we've had recently it's her thats lost it and i've managed to keep calm and stick to facts. I guess thats a positive of all of this, i'm learning and growing and if i can survive all this crap she's doing, i'll be a better person.


Yes its not easy, especially when you are in the same house. My husband spent the first part of the divorce process in the same house but eventually realised that was a very bad idea.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Smithy, take this to heart, and do not allow anyone to ever sway you; Do.not. rush. Take your time to carefully and logically map out the finances to the point of anal retentive behavior. After all we are talking shelling out your hard earned dough on a less than worthy party. Of course she is trying to rush this, rushing you into bad decisions makes her life a lot easier. MAKE HER LIFE IMPOSSIBLE. Nothing does my heart as good as watching a spouse sit in a discovery meeting and see that their playbook was not as well conceived as the other side's. Had one guy tell his lawyer that he was going to report him for incompetence. Had a woman walk out blasting at the top of her lungs that she would never get a fair shake because she wasn't a man. I had pointed out that had she not betrayed my client, we would not even be here. 

Make it known to her in the early part of this process that you will not be intimidated, bullied, or overcome. This is the rest of your life, and she does not get to sink her hooks in permanently. Let her be the ass. When karma arrives to sink her pearly whites into your ex's backside, she will know that she is the author of her own demise.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There is NO REASON you cannot take your son for a family visit, she is just being a *****, has no leg to stand on. You dont need her permission, he is your son too. Like everything else, make a record of the event.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Smithy said:


> Urgh, tough weekend followed by tough Monday!
> 
> She can be relentless, messaging me at work, bombarding me with figures and trying to rush me to make decisions still.
> 
> ...


She is trying to pull one over on you.....to get a better $ deal or to shoo you away so she can go

public with her "new toy." Melrose's XW tried that. She also got frustrated when 'Rose stopped being

her manipulation toy. Her next step was to get to him, through the kids. Exactly what yours is doing.

Have you read 'Rose's entire thread?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Smithy said:


> Hi Diana7 - yep, been to one session of mediation. The problem is, even after she's sought legal advice, she still seems to have the wrong idea as to what she's entitled to, or she has a very good solicitor.... or i have a crap one :|
> 
> It's so hard not to stoop to her level, i've slipped a couple of times and beat myself up for it. I dont like confrontation so when she's really gone for it and pressed my buttons i panicked and just blurted out any old insult. That was a while ago now though, any conversation we've had recently it's her thats lost it and i've managed to keep calm and stick to facts. I guess thats a positive of all of this, i'm learning and growing and if i can survive all this crap she's doing, i'll be a better person.


Next time she lashes out at you...........

1-I'm sorry you feel that way
2-I see things otherwise
3-Done yet?

Use #3 at least twice. If she persists still.... get up and leave (smile at her when you do it) or hang up phone.

If she continues, 4-Remind me to give a F. Using #1 usually stops them dead in their tracks.

They really have no return to it. They may start complaining about something else.... that's when you use #2.

Above all... Do the 180 below

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

https://www.chumplady.com/2014/07/the-pretzel-logic-of-the-180/


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Taxman said:


> Smithy, take this to heart, and do not allow anyone to ever sway you; Do.not. rush. Take your time to carefully and logically map out the finances to the point of anal retentive behavior. After all we are talking shelling out your hard earned dough on a less than worthy party. Of course she is trying to rush this, rushing you into bad decisions makes her life a lot easier. MAKE HER LIFE IMPOSSIBLE. Nothing does my heart as good as watching a spouse sit in a discovery meeting and see that their playbook was not as well conceived as the other side's. Had one guy tell his lawyer that he was going to report him for incompetence. Had a woman walk out blasting at the top of her lungs that she would never get a fair shake because she wasn't a man. I had pointed out that had she not betrayed my client, we would not even be here.
> 
> Make it known to her in the early part of this process that you will not be intimidated, bullied, or overcome. This is the rest of your life, and she does not get to sink her hooks in permanently. Let her be the ass. When karma arrives to sink her pearly whites into your ex's backside, she will know that she is the author of her own demise.


I hope that's exactly what happens. I just panic and start to 2nd guess everything, what if she's correct? What if me delaying is costing me more?




3Xnocharm said:


> There is NO REASON you cannot take your son for a family visit, she is just being a *****, has no leg to stand on. You dont need her permission, he is your son too. Like everything else, make a record of the event.





Chuck71 said:


> She is trying to pull one over on you.....to get a better $ deal or to shoo you away so she can go
> 
> public with her "new toy." Melrose's XW tried that. She also got frustrated when 'Rose stopped being
> 
> ...


No, i havent yet but i need to and will.




Chuck71 said:


> Next time she lashes out at you...........
> 
> 1-I'm sorry you feel that way
> 2-I see things otherwise
> ...


Thank you.

She says she's going to sleep in my study now so i fully expect to come home and find all my computer equipment has been unplugged and moved or she'll try to deny me access to it


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Smithy said:


> Urgh, tough weekend followed by tough Monday!
> 
> She can be relentless, messaging me at work, bombarding me with figures and trying to rush me to make decisions still.
> 
> ...


You will need the pension details to complete the full finance comparison. My suggestion here is that if she is as possessive of her pension as it sounds (my XW was too) let it be a bargaining tool to get what you need up front now. i.e. forgo her £xxk extra pension so that you get that extra equity in the house now. I went for a clean financial break, BTW, which means I reduced what the XW got as her part of the by these extra amounts so that noone needed to pay anything else in the future.

As for the car, same as my XW, it was her car, registered in her name and, although it was a loan in my name, she was told to reduce her equity so that I can pay the loan off without penalty to my share. Make sure you don't give in to that ****!

Oh, and make sure you stay in the house. If he EA affair partner wants to put her up, even better.

As for the kids party, as others have advised, make it clear, in written communication, where and when you are taking them, when you'll return and just do it. Make sure they are back when you said they will be and make sure their smiling faces are there to greet your STBXWs scowl on arrival


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The problem is if you take a good look you know who and what she is. You aren't effectively dealing with it. Stop playing her games. You can't win. So don't play.

You can control your end. Stop any engagement and treat this like a business deal. Going down any rabbit holes isn't going to get you anything with her.

Read up its short and free
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

She is who she is and you can't fix it or control it. So right now your big problem is getting yourself to a place of effectively dealing with it.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

Yes, I have experienced someone turning into a bully but he was already one before. I just didn’t see it. It sounds like she’s trying to provoke you to get a reaction for whatever reason and I commend you for not giving it to her (I’m not as strong). He even still does small things and he’s living with his trump but I don’t even acknowledge them, he has to find another way to feed his soul and your wife does, too.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Can you legally take a room in your house and put a lock on it and have that as your private space? I ask due to your latest post about your STBX declaring she will sleep in the study and you fear your computer will be compromised.

Check with your solicitor. You should be able to legally have a peaceful area in your house that only you have access to.

And like Taxman said, DO NOT let her rush you. You take all the time you need to figure out the financials and anything else for that matter. It's not only your life, but your kids', too.

Glad someone suggested grey rocking. Do not take her bait. Silence or indifference (grey rocking) is your best weapon. I know it's tempting to play her game. But it'll only rile her up more because she is itching for a fight. Don't give her that pleasure.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Just an update. So i came home from work last Tuesday and to no surprise, she had completely emptied my study. All my computer equipment completely unplugged and moved out of the room. We're not just talking a pc and mouse/keyboard, we're talking a lot of equipment all properly cabled. She moved all my tools out and the filing cabinet. The effort it would have taken her to do all of that and to drag down draws from our master bedroom and plants etc and put them in the study, it was just crazy. 

She had been sleeping in with our eldest but we have a spare bedroom thats empty, just didn't have a door on or any curtains. It would have taken me 30 mins to put a door on our spare bedroom and hang some curtains, she'd never mentioned she was fed up sleeping in with our eldest.

She refused to let me take the boys to my family on my youngest birthday so they all came up to us. The front on her was extraordinary, acting like nothing was wrong, acting like she was this amazing daughter/sister-in-law. Credit to my family, they acted with integrity to ensure my kids birthday was a happy one.

We still don't have her pension details, we do have a buyer for the house that's been happy to wait on us but i cant agree the sale still until we have this financial agreement in place. It's doing my head in, if we lose this buyer, we're back to square one. Not sure i mentioned it but the reason we have a buyer is because i agreed, against the advice of my solicitor, to let her try a deal with a new house build company. It meant the builder sold our current house meaning the builder gets a guaranteed buyer for their new build and she'd get a new house. We'd still need to agree equity split. Of course, even though i was doing her a favour she continued to act like a d*ck so i had no option but to hold off agreeing the sale of the house.

She's telling the kids that daddy is stopping the sale of the house because i want all the money. Whenever they tell me what she's said, i just reassure them they're loved, it's not their fault, it will all be sorted soon and mummy is just trying to make daddy seem bad.

I'm doing my best to greyrock and 180 but finding it hard a lot of the time. I cant help but laugh at some of her pettiness, like emptying my study or yesterday i came home to find she'd parked across the driveway stopping me from getting on! My natural reaction is just to laugh at her but i know i need to stop that, it's just hard.

I dont speak to her verbally anymore unless it's absolutely necessary, like when she's starting to box things up in front of me, i feel i have to remind her we haven't agreed on how to distribute our possessions yet so she better not take anything. If she texts me, demanding action, giving me deadlines for when i should do something by, i just ignore her. i'm not sure if that's what i should be doing or not?

I keep going back to doubting myself, am i doing the right thing waiting for her pension details, am i unnecessary delaying things costing me more money. Should i hold out for a few % more of the equity, is it worth the delay?

I have started reading through Melrose8888 thread, hopefully finish it by end of this week. Already seen some great comments in it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So SHE is demanding actions and deadlines, yet SHE is the one refusing to provide the information that is necessary to move the process forward.... that's insanity. But typical. Be sure to let your kids know that they should come to you any time their mother says anything negative about you before they just believe it. 

Hang in there @Smithy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So SHE is demanding actions and deadlines, yet SHE is the one refusing to provide the information that is necessary to move the process forward.... that's insanity. But typical. Be sure to let your kids know that they should come to you any time their mother says anything negative about you before they just believe it. 

Hang in there @Smithy.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Her stalling is her trying to hide $. She doesn't want to give you anything. Her nimrod actions are showing

you that she is losing control. She may have a mini-meltdown and look to you to "save her"

It's a trap....and is a temporary emotion. Trying to turn the kids against you shows her lack

of stability and.... how low she will go. When you see her.....smile, even say goo'day and walk away.

She is a stranger to you now, treat her as one. But show her you are not phased by her bulls***


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It will escalate man, until she figures out that her current tactic isn’t working.

And then she’ll shift strategies. Expect love bombing, or another guy to suddenly start sleeping in the house, or other sudden shifts in behaviour.

All designed to rattle you and get you to give her your attention, and do what she wants you to do.

What I’m trying to say is that in all likelihood, her behaviour will become worse in surprising ways. Guard yourself accordingly.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Smithy said:


> Just an update. So i came home from work last Tuesday and to no surprise, she had completely emptied my study. All my computer equipment completely unplugged and moved out of the room. We're not just talking a pc and mouse/keyboard, we're talking a lot of equipment all properly cabled. She moved all my tools out and the filing cabinet. The effort it would have taken her to do all of that and to drag down draws from our master bedroom and plants etc and put them in the study, it was just crazy.
> 
> She had been sleeping in with our eldest but we have a spare bedroom thats empty, just didn't have a door on or any curtains. It would have taken me 30 mins to put a door on our spare bedroom and hang some curtains, she'd never mentioned she was fed up sleeping in with our eldest.
> 
> ...


How's yousa doin?


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

Hi all - it's been a while.

Where to start, basically, i gave up wanting to talk about what was happening, just felt i was repeating the same thing over and over, which got me down, nothing was progressing. It seemed never ending and all the while, she was just being her normal spiteful self. At the same time, i stopped reading up on the situation; just felt that nothing would relate to what she was doing and what i was going through. I have regrets over that now but i guess we all cope in different ways.

I’ve started talking again to people, for those going through any difficult times, talk. Talk to family, friends, message boards like this, professionals. It’ll be hard but it certainly helps.

She's still been using the children against me or to get at me and the horrible thing is, it wont stop after this is all sorted, she'll continue and as much as it hurts me and is physically and emotionally draining, it's awful for the boys to be a part of. I absolutely hate her for what she's done but would never be able to get full custody of the boys but neither would i want to, for them, they need to also see their mother and be around her but i'm keeping a record of all her actions just in case.

I feel trapped, while i don't want to help her out i don't want the boys to suffer.

She's still telling the children it's me that's caused all the delays to the point my eldest was telling me just to sign the paperwork, why am i delaying everything. I just tried my best to explain that i will be signing the documents to allow the house to be sold but i cant until me and mummy have an agreement in place. I shouldn't have to be explaining this to an 8 year old!

We do now have an agreement, it hasn’t been signed off by a judge yet so I’m preparing myself for her to try and scupper it, especially now we’ve sold our house and moved out. That was another thing she was telling the children, daddy didn’t succeed in stopping mummy getting her new house.

We've settled on 54/46 equity split in my favour, 50/50 child benefit, so one parent will claim for one child each and i'll give her 5.5k towards her car. It's not quite what i was hoping for but I wasn’t going to delay this any longer just to argue over an extra grand. I should be able to start a new life with it and it's certainly better than the deal she wanted.

She’s giving it the whole I’ve taken everything from her, she’s given me everything she could, blah blah blah, no-one believes a word she says but she says it like I care. If she wants to play the victim, let her. I know she’s not going to hand her car back in, she can easily afford the monthly repayments so she’ll just keep the 5.5k for other things. I know that and I am not fussed about it at all, this for me, was just about getting a fair split so we could both live afterwards, for her, it was about screwing me over and I’ve not let her do that.
Everything she said would happen, everything she thought she would get has been wrong.

She didn’t get the deal she wanted.
She didn’t get to stay in the family home.
She hasn’t taken me for everything.
She hasn’t crushed and destroyed me (yes she said she was going to do that).
She’s alienated everyone that cared for her in the UK and would have dropped everything to help her out if required.

What she’s trying to do now is alter the schedule we’d agreed for the children. She emailed me on the 28th Dec to provide me with a new schedule from Jan all the way through till October 2020. I’ve said no, she can’t just change a schedule at the last minute to suite her plans. We currently have a schedule of 2-2-3 but she wants to change it to one week each. I think the boys are too young (7 & 8) to be away from each parent for a whole week, I certainly wouldn’t want to go a whole week without seeing them. I asked her the reasoning’s for wanting to change and she said it wasn’t fair on the boys to play ping pong between us, she then said she wants to be able to map out when she can go for runs or go away!

I don’t see what’s so difficult, if she wants to go away, let me know the dates and I’ll pencil in having the boys. 

We’re not on verbal speaking terms, I cant even look at her when we swap the boys over, all communication is via email or txt. I honestly think I’m going to have to go to court to get an agreement in place. I’ve read other threads where parents have sat with each other for Christmas dinner for the sake of the children, we absolutely couldn’t do that, and that’s sad.

What are other peoples opinions on young children spending a week at a time with one parent? How did it affect your children? When they’re older maybe, I just think they’re too young at the minute.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Of course she will play the victim. She will spin tales on you that will blow your mind. Now that she can't get

to you directly, she has started getting to you through the kids. You got out better than I had thought $wise.

Most co-parenting that I have read do the 2-2-3. It will be rough going at first but things will

get better in time. In your free time read up on other's threads here. I'm certain you can find one 

you can relate to. I don't read the threads like I used to but I'd be glad to send you some old links

for you to read.


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

keep hearing it gets better with time but just as one issue is sorted, she creates another.

We've been using the 2-2-3 schedule for about 4 months now, of course, that doesnt work for her anymore so she wants to change it.

She's got my 8 year old to email me today saying that i should agree a new schedule. My 8 year old shouldn't know about this, just breaks my heart.

This is what i mean when i say i feel trapped, i can stand my ground but it's my boys that suffer. I dont know how to protect them from her vicious, manipulative and emotionally abusing ways.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She can get to you through the kids and she knows it. She is miserable and by damn she

wants you to be as well. May have to get the 2-2-3 court ordered. If things aren't court ordered it 

appears she will jerk you around to meet her needs.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

OK, I do not know what your solicitor has told you or done for you Smithy, but you need to sit down with him and ask him to turn her aggression against her. Are your barristers and solicitors aware of her threats, actions and blame? Sorry, sir but this just does not fly. Please, by all means detail this. If you are unsatisfied with their response, then by all means seek out someone more aggressive. This is not kosher by any means. This is war.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Smithy said:


> keep hearing it gets better with time but just as one issue is sorted, she creates another.
> 
> We've been using the 2-2-3 schedule for about 4 months now, of course, that doesnt work for her anymore so she wants to change it.
> 
> ...


I got divorced last year. My son was 12 at the time and we were doing the one week on and one week off custody schedule which worked well for both of our work schedules (we both travel for work) but by August of this year, my son was asking to break up the week some. We settled on a 5-5-2-2. This might be a good compromise between a 2-2-3 ( which I have to agree is waaay to much ping ponging around) and a one week on/one week off. 

A 5-5-2-2 basically means one of you selects two consecutive days a week that you will ALWAYS have custody and you alternate weekends. For eg. She has Monday and Tuesday nights, you have Wednesday and Thursday nights and you alternate weekends. This sets up a consistent schedule the kids can learn easily.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> What she’s trying to do now is alter the schedule we’d agreed for the children. She emailed me on the 28th Dec to provide me with a new schedule from Jan all the way through till October 2020. I’ve said no, she can’t just change a schedule at the last minute to suite her plans. We currently have a schedule of 2-2-3 but she wants to change it to one week each. I think the boys are too young (7 & 8) to be away from each parent for a whole week, I certainly wouldn’t want to go a whole week without seeing them. I asked her the reasoning’s for wanting to change and she said it wasn’t fair on the boys to play ping pong between us, she then said she wants to be able to map out *when she can go for runs or go away!*
> 
> I don’t see what’s so difficult, if she wants to go away, let me know the dates and I’ll pencil in having the boys.


She wants to have time to go for runs?

Uh, no!

She wants time to go have fun, to go on dates, meet and maybe marry a new man.
Yes, she wants to go away.

Her schedule is the easier one, believe me.

AND ALL FAIR for her to do this.

And ALL FAIR for you to do the same thing. This schedule will be easier on her, on the boys and on you.

It will give you time for your hobbies, time out with your friends, for dating and snuggling, uninterrupted, with a new Dearie.

Yes, the boys will adapt to the 2-2-3, so ordered, they must, having no choice in the matter.
It will not be as easily done as her new schedule.

Children enjoy stability, so do adults. 
Do the one week with you, one week with her. 

IMO, this is easier. 

Both of you can try it without inking it permanently down.


Nemesis-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think the ideal is having a set schedule and having an amicable attitude for those times that do not conform to the schedule. 
Advance notice, or not. The welfare of the children always takes priority.

As in, allowing the other parent some flexibility, to take or give up the child (children) when situations arrive, as they always do.

Your STBXW is not at this stage, this mindset....yet.

And, she may never be. Shame on her, then.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This is relatively easy. Tell both your son and exW that the judge ordered 2-2-3 and that you will obey the court. The court has the power to enforce fairness even when an ex does not want to be fair... so for now you will only follow court orders.


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