# Need Advice...



## sweetpotato478 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm new to the boards and I need advice... I'm 25, DH, 31. We've been together since I was 19, he 25. He had a 7, now 13 year old. We have 2 daughters, Riley 3, Allison, 1. They are my whole wide worlds. We are currently separated. I finally got up the guts in July to get out and get my own place. I live in a nice apartment, he moved in with his mom. He lived with his mom when we got together, she pretty much cared for his son who he has full custody of only because DSS' mom is a felon drug addict in and out of prison. He gives himself far too much credit for having full custody. He is psychology screwing up his son. 


Okay, so here goes. I was verbally/emotionally and physically abused as a child. Because of this I feel like I deserve a husband that should be my safe place and show me differently. He feels that "The damage is already done and it's not his fault it sets off triggers" when he screams at me until I'm crying and begging him to stop. He does this in front of our daughters and they get scared and cry, and still wont stop, saying he doesn't give a f***, we're handling this now. My 3 year old has down syndrome and because she really doesn't understand what's happening she punches herself between the eyes when it happens. He apologized afterward and knows it's wrong but can't control it in the moment. The frequency has lessened, but I feel like I don't trust him, and definitely don't love him. He always says I hold grudges and refuse to let things go. I will say that I do remember things, but I think it's a defense mechanism from being screwed over by the people I was supposed to trust in my life. He also expects me to forgive and forget within an hour. 

Some things that really bother me:

Once while we were driving and arguing with the kids (DSS and 2 daughters) in the car he said he wished a semi would hit our car and kill our whole family and just put us out of our misery now. I can't imagine my daughters hearing him say something like that about them/our family because he can't control himself. That would scare them, and did his son. 

When my father got into a horrible motorcycle accident last year and laid in a hospital bed in a coma for 2 weeks before dying he screamed at me in the back room about what a selfish b**** I am and how I can't stop to think about other people because I didn't want to leave and pay attention to everyone else's needs for once. 

He never held or played with either of our daughters. My second DD was 10 months old before she slept on him for the first time. I slept on the couch for the first 5 weeks of her life so he didn't have to wake up and hear her cry to nurse.

Then he forgot her first birthday. Right after I moved out she turned 1, he called me multiple times during the day, but didn't bring it up. I didn't say anything to see if he would. He finally called me at 5pm during her little mini family party screaming at me why I didn't tell him it was her birthday. Really?

He quit his job in September paying $6000/mo with paid benefits to go "start a business" with his friend who is infamous for being a flake and refused to show him anything on paper that he was asking to see prior to making the move, He did it anyway. He then quit that when his friend (surprise) never paid him for the work he did and proceeded to sit on his ass, smoke weed and play video games. This is a whole other issue that has been a problem over the years that I completely can't stand. He told me he quit since we separated, but I saw his phone the other day talking to his guy about picking some up... I hate that. He's said before that quitting is not a sacrifice he's willing to make for our marriage. He has an undying need to be altered. He takes his moms anti anxiety/pain pills now. He even abused my anti nausea pills I got when I was pregnant because they make you loopy and tired. 

He screams at his son and I really emotionally damaging things. That we're worthless, etc. I hate this and I know the effects it has. His son is rude and hateful toward me, but I still don't want him to be damaged. He's said on multiple occasions that he can't stand his son and will just send him off to live with his gma or mom if he doesn't get his act together. Then expects me to still unconditionally love his child that shows me absolute disrespect. He told me that his son was going to murder me in the middle of the night because I'VE screwed him up so much. I have tried so much for his son, but with absolutely no support. He has a lot of issues, but is very smart. With a little guidance and parental love he could go in a great direction, but DH won't give it to him. He never pays attention to him. Just lets him play M rated video games all day long in his underwear with no responsibility or accountability for his failing grades the school has been calling me about.

He's called me every name in the book, I think money grubbing wh*re stung the worst. He fights dirty. He's always telling me I'm already screwed up and damaged, blah blah blah. In a way it's true. My mother told me as a child that I was disgusting and that no one would love me, I would end up alone. My only goal in life was to get married and have kids. So I married the first sucker that wanted to settle down and had his babies just to prove her wrong. Is that a self fulfilling prophecy or what? Anyway, I do realize my value now, unfortunately it was too late.

There is so much more, but obviously I'm not going to recount the last 5 years for you. He has made some improvements and we're only separated at this point, I haven't filed for divorce. I've been on my own in my own beautiful apartment, working and taking care of the girls and I since August 10th. He lives with his mom and has admitted that if we divorce he'll live with her forever and is just fine with that. He's trying to win me back saying I'm young and immature and don't respect marriage and need to give it more effort. I DO want my girls to have their family together. He has made improvements in his anger and given more of himself to them. My girls get so happy when we're all together. The problem is I don't love him or trust him. I cringe when he touches me. When we had sex I didn't want to kiss him, I just wanted to get it over with. I used to be a passionate person. He has ADD and is slow and always in his own world. I'm a quick thinker and would love someone that could thrill me with quick witty intellectual conversation and I want to enjoy being touched. He says I live in a fairy tale. I don't think being in a loving respectful relationship is a fairy tale. I don't expect firework first date type love forever, but I also don't want to keep pushing through in this life I'm miserable with. Am I selfish?

What if I teach my girls it's okay for a man to treat them this way? 

He wants me to get my tubes tied and I don't want to because I really want a third baby but I know I don't want his baby because I don't want to risk having his son. I'd really love to have a son, but I wouldn't want him to have any influence on my boy. I can't imagine knowing my son grew up to be a man that treated his family this way. How sick is that, right?

After all of this I still feel like I should try and work it out. Marriages have made it through a lot worse and I wonder if with enough therapy we could keep it together for the kids. I don't want them to grow up and resent me for not keeping it together. 

I know it's long... If you've made it this far I'd really appreciate your advice.


----------



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

SP,

Please read your post. Again.

then this:

*After all of this I still feel like I should try and work it out.*

Why? Why? Why?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

What are you waiting for?


----------



## jellybean123 (Aug 17, 2013)

Our situations sound very similar. I also have 2 young daughters and a teenage stepson who his father basically ignores when he is with us. My husband was emotionally abusive to me and our daughters for years. I was forced to separated after he threatened to kill me and went after me with our 3 year old in my arms when I stood up to him for leaving on a weekend trip with a mistress that I had just found out about. I think you did the right thing by getting out when you did. It sounds like your husband still has a lot of growing up to do. (((Hugs))) I know it is so hard and even harder when your children are so young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

You did the right thing by leaving him. Therapy is good for people who truly want help. It doesn't sound like your husband is a good candidate. 

Don't worry about what other marriages have coped with, all that matters is you and your children. You deserve a better life then what he has given you. He is abusive. Please do not expose your children to this anymore. It is hard not having a father but it is worse having an abusive father. Standing up for yourself and showing your children that abusive behaviour is not acceptable is a great lesson for them. 

It is a real shame about how he is raising his son. But that is not your responsibility now. You need to take care of yourself and your children. The fact that you left him speaks volumes about the strength you have. Keep it up! And keep posting. We are here for you!


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie and get your self into counseling. 

Do you love yourself?


----------

