# Feelings for my EX returns. Normal?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I haven't been on here for several months. The last time I was on here, I was working on manning-up. I started going out on dates too. My most recent relationship hit it off unbelievably well. She was divorced like me. Two kids, like me. She is smart, kind, funny, etc. But at the end of a month, my feelings were no longer the same. I guess the oxytocin and the other brain chemicals wore off. A week ago, I broke off my relationship with this girl who really fell for me. Others told me I'm not over my EX completely. At first, I thought they were wrong for the most part. But now, I'm starting to think they might be on to something. 
Let me back track to 6 weeks ago:
My EX came down in early October and we managed to have a family counseling session. At one point, the kids went to the playroom while it was me, my EX, and the two therapists. They asked if either of us had anything to say about how the two of us were communicating, etc. I said our communication has been poor at best. Then I turned to my EX and said, and I don't trust you. She understood and teared up a bit asking what she could do for me to trust her again. I told her to start being honest and in time, trust can return.
A few days later after she left back for Minnesota, she called me and started ranting how nobody here in Houston trusts her (except her dad) and that she's not welcome here. Then she started suggesting the possibility of moving back home with her dad, but then started debating herself that she can't live with her dad because her brother (who is still angry with her) lives there, she has no friends here, and no job. I told her that people want her back here,especially me because I've seen what her absence has done to our kids. 
A week later, she wanted to discuss travel arrangements for Thanksgiving (the kids see her) and asked if they could fly back to Houston late Sunday night (arrive 10:30pm). I said that's too late. She then suggested 5:30am on Sunday. She said the prices were too much for times in the late morning or afternoon. I told her what comes first? The money or the kids? Yeah, you can guess what happened next. She flipped her lid. Said I was still doing this to punish her. That I need to let go, etc.
I told her to follow the decree (be home before 6pm Sunday)and I said nothing more. A day later she sent me the flight times which followed the decree. 
It was during this time that I was dating this other girl. Because my feelings were directed at her, I was able to avoid any of the emotional garbage that my EX tries to suck me into sometimes.
This past weekend, she had an opportunity to discuss the possibility of putting the kids on her insurance but then declined because I do not trust her at all. She keeps going back to what I told her in the therapists' office. She's mentioned this several times since. But it's the truth. I don't trust her. Can't she see why??
Now that I've broken off my relationship with my GF, I feel like I am vulnerable?
Now I'm having these thoughts/feelings about having my EX in my family again? Crazy, I know. My logical part of the brain knows this. But my emotions right now, are having these fantasies of being happy with my kids and their mom, together. I had a dream the other night where her and I were discussing the kids and we were hugging each other. And suddenly, I notice a mushroom cloud out the window. And the TV had the news showing a map where Cuba was hit. Then another country, and another and I look out the window and there's all these mushroom cloud explosions in the sky. It was so surreal. And then I woke up. If you google atomic explosions in dreams, you'll discover something interesting. It describes a life-altering event.
I don't know. I find myself right now, missing the person I spent 10 years with. Yes, I know she's changed. I guess I am struggling with the belief that the person we spent our lives with during our 20's and most of our 30's can change in the blink of an eye and that they are like a stranger from this moment forth. I almost wrote a letter to her last night. To tell her that I want us to be better communicators, to tell her that I want to trust her. And that I actually still care about what happens to her. But I did not. I intentionally & purposely brought up thoughts of what she put me through with the lies, infidelity, etc. in the past to put a stop to the letter. But I don't want to remain bitter. I don't want to feel this way. And I wonder if that my feelings have come up for her is because I have finally found a way to forgive her?
Or is maybe what I'm feeling just another stage in my divorce process? I've found comfort here before. Lots of good advice and understanding. I don't want to do anything stupid, but just could use some advice on all of this. Thanks, HD.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Guess what my friend, I heard that same line of "nobody likes me" crap from my ex wife too. She, like yours, couldn't keep a job or quit hers because she was feeling abused and didn't want to live with her family who was mad at hell over her cheating. You really have to ask yourself if what you feel for her is love and not just empathy over wanting to rescue her yet again, because I will warn you she is perfectly capable of getting her sh!t together all on her own....... or duping some other guy into believing her sob stories and paying her bills. 

You said it yourself she made you feel crazy, and that crazy making behavior is not going to stop any time soon. She may put on an act and pwomise not to cheat on you but you saw it several times now. She rages all over you whenever she doesn't get her way. I strongly urge you to check out shrink4men.com and see how some of the stories guys tell of their exes match what your wife is doing right now. It's worth just 5 or 10 minutes of reading through Dr. T's articles to save yourself some unnecessary drama.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

H-Dad,

I can see why you miss her.

Sounds like she's really starting to take responsibility


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I appreciate your guys perspectives. My EX taking responsibility? **** No. She requested her old W-2s a few days ago because she's planning on buying a new home in the near future. Feeling empathy for her? Yes. I accidentally left out that she stated she's over 8K credit card debt and how the state of Texas is after her for back child support (part is her lack of sending the money to the state, and instead sent it directly to my bank, but she's still a bit behind in support).
What I failed to notice was that the old me wanted to rescue her....AGAIN. Because that's all I would do most of the last few years of our marriage. Her father in law told me the other day things were not great between her and her BF and he just got laid off too. I guess she was seeking a rescue again?
I will check out the website Nsweet. Thanks for the tip. I just felt the need to come here at a time I noticed my will to stand firm had weakened and my emotions were getting a bit too strong. Thanks.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

H-Dad,

Are you still in counseling?

These feelings of rescue you are having?

Check out this link. You still have more work to do:

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

BINGO! You got it right this time:smthumbup:. You felt the need to rescue the damsel in distress yet again like you have all throughout your marriage. Don't believe for a second any of the "poor helpless me" crap spewing out of her mouth about how she's trying to do the right thing and the world won't cut her a break. I've heard that line from more than enough women to know a con when I hear a con. 

My wife for example played up the sympathy card ALL THE TIME and made me feel like a [email protected] for not being able to protect her. She actually use to call me and complain about her life and her job trying to get me to be her shoulder to cry on while she was divorcing me for the OM. C'mon you're smart enough not to call for any of her bullsh!t!

I'll take a shot in the dark and guess you really liked your last girlfriend but something you couldn't put your finger on was missing. She didn't cause the level of drama you were used to and her niceness seemed a little off. Yeah, I recognize that from myself. You're not used to being treated kindly by women who don't make you work for their validation. Listen I could tell you to go to therapy here but you would ent up spending tons for what I could of told you anyways..... Take it slow and tell these women up front that you were in an emotionally abusive relationship with crazy. Believe it or not, this will help her out because she'll know you're not crazy but deprogamming.


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