# How to handle separation with children



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

I have several posts on my happenings over the past 6 or so months but things are starting to progress. My wife is finally seeing a counsellor and they are recommending a 3 month separation - I am completely against it just for the sake of our kids (7,5,3). Part of that is the fear of what that will do to them - Any real advice or experience where this type of separation has occurred and worked - also how was it explained to the kids so they weren't scarred for life?


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Not sure what to say here i hope you get solid advise though cause im interested in it too , but from what i have seen so far being seperated from my wife is there is nothing good about it for the kids , my son has become easily upset angry and started wetting the bed at night and he is over 4 now and has been broke from that since he was just over 2 , wife took him to the docs and he checked my son over and told the wife its cause he is missing his dad in his life and that is what is causing these changes in him and it will probably continue as long as im missing in his mind like i am .. So even a doctor said something i didnt even no till she took him and it made or seems to have made no difference in my wifes mind either so i can honestly say its not a good thing for the children but maybe you and yours can somehow keep the kids in each others lives as much as possible maybe focusing on that more then anything else will create bonds between you and yours as well that may be something that helps i dont no but i will be watching this post now just to see what others say as well


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What I have to say is based on having lived through this discussion as a teenager, and then having it as an adult with my own young children, ages 6 and 3 at the time.

My parents divorce was a train-wreck. When they pulled us together for 'the talk', they used the standard opener with me and my two younger siblings;
"You kids didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault. This is between mom and dad."

Don't use this line. By highlighting what your kids didn't do, and what isn't their fault, they will start thinking about what they did do, and what is their fault, despite the warning.

Both of my parents became very emotional. It created tremendous uncertainty, instability and an overwhelming sense of tragedy. It cascaded into an avalanche of pain and confusion. I will never in my life forget my brother pleading with my parents, sobbing and saying "I'll behave. I'll be good." My parents cried more as a result - so the kids cried more. Seeing my brother and sister in that much pain, broke me too. 

Don't. If you cannot have the talk without becoming emotional in responding to the kids or your spouse... then don't have the talk. Here is my perspective, you get to form your own. I had a 'no tears policy' when it came to telling the children.

Children are mirrors. Their feelings will often reflect what they see and sense. As adults, yes, we know that the death of a marriage is absolutely heartbreaking and tragic. You do not, and should not, need to reflect that fact when telling your children. There is no upside to making sure that they understand and feel in no uncertain terms that the bottom just fell out of their world.

They are not nearly as interested in feelings as they are in behavior. To younger children, behavior reflects feelings. Mom and dad represent safety, security, and stability. If mom and dad get swept up in guilt, sadness, remorse, or other powerful emotions - you are going to sweep up your kids in the riptide, and in my view, you are being irresponsible. You need to reflect strength and stability. 

It's ok if they do not understand. It's ok if they are sad. Validate those feelings. But if they see you emulating calm, strength and control, they will still believe that mom and dad will hold together the fabric of their world. And as parents, you had damn well better. 

The kids neither need, nor want details. They don't need to know why. They don't need to know about whose fault it is, who has an addiction, or who is screwing someone else. This is specifically geared towards younger kids. Teens and young adults are a different story. If they ask the hard questions, you need to answer them honestly without coloring the response with your own bias. You can have that talk later.
Be short and to the point. Don't ramble.

"Sometimes mommies and daddies decide that they work best when they each have their own house. So do you know what? You guys are now going to have two houses. So now you will have two bedrooms! One at mommies house, and one at daddy's house. And sometimes you will have sleepovers at mommies house and other times you will have sleepovers at daddy's house. Mom will put on the calendar when we get to have sleepovers at daddy's. And we will get to do fun things, and best of all, we will still have our family."

The above is pretty much verbatim what I said. I said it with wide eyes and a smile, almost making it sound exciting. The reality of the circumstances were going to be the same whether I delivered the message sobbing or with a smile. Want to take a wild guess how they reacted?

My son asked, "but you will still sleep here too?"
My response, "Nope, daddy will sleep and wake up at his own house. But it will be just like when you wake up in the morning and daddy has gone to work."

I did most of the talking. And much to her credit, my spouse held back tears, and when she spoke it was to repeat, and reassure the kids of something I had just said.
I strove to put things in a context that they were already familiar with. I continued to come to the house two nights a week to help with bedtime and read stories. As time passed, we weened away from that practice.

My spouse and I treat parenting like a business, or a job. Regardless of whether or not you get along with everyone in your workplace, you still have to work together to do the job right. I recognize that not all dissolutions are going to be free of acrimony or pain, but I firmly believe that how loved or secure your children feel has little to do with where each parent resides. It is much more about how each parent makes them feel, and responds to their feelings.

You can absolutely convince your children that your divorce, and their lives are about to become a nightmare - or just as easily convince them that they don't need to be frightened and you will take care of them. Just as you always have.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I echo Deejo. We had a no tear talk. And it has been our top priority to never put her in the middle...even unintentionally by making her listen to either of us bad mouthing the other, or their significiant other , or their family. She adjusted very well. She was 8 at the time. 

Another thing I would not do is say....Its only temporary...or its only for a little while. Because if you do end up divorced...well then you have to deal with the lie - which is how they might interpret it - you told them now to make them feel better. If you get back together then it is a happy surprise.


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## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

Thanks that sounds like great advice from all. Very difficult to not tear up a little just reading Deejo's talk track but I agree with everything you wrote. The portion of treating parenting like a business is good too - very similar to what our life in the same house is like now - very little emotion between the parents but lots of love and family time for the kids.

The thought of living without my wife at this point bothers me and there will be sadness for that but to not see my kids daily gives me fear that they will forget about me or lose that special parent bond that the little things and everyday conversations bring. Any suggestions on how to cope with that without overcompensating for the time apart?


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

I know this is terrrible to say at this point, and deejos advice really was best...but f all that, I would be willingly skinned alive before I let anyone take my kids away for even a single day, much less me actually volunteering to do it. 

My wife and I have had phony seperations where we would sleep on opposite sides of the house, use different bathrooms, different entrances to the house etc (I even slept in my %$#@ van for a week once), eat meals apart...basically made the house into two different apartments, each of us living in a different one but sharing the kids time 50/50. 

If I HAD to live in a seperate structure it would be as close to the kids as possible and I would still split time with the kids 50/50 with her. Personally, I would not break it down by day but by hour. One night they would sleep at my house, the next at hers. So every day they would spend several hours with each os us, consistently and without interuption.


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