# same old story I think.



## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

I am a new member and this is my first post. If it ends up being long I apologize in advance, but it is a long story. I won't say what I think about it as I am interested in your opinions and comparing them to mine.

Ok, well, I am mid-30's while wife is late 20's. Been married 5 years and together for approximately 10yrs. She has one son from a previous relationship and we have a 4yr old together. While dating everything was fine, isn't it always?, and when we got married I knew it would be a rough road, mainly due to her immaturity, and some underlying medical issues she had. Nothing life threatening, but they were there. At the time she had never had a full-time job or supported anyone including her son, which was done with child support and her parents help. She wasn't much of a cleaner or a cook either, in fact thats putting it mildly. Of course love is blind and I knew these were things that could be fixed or improved upon. I don't mind pulling my weight around the house, and I am a pretty good cook so on we went. We got married. 

She really had no direction in life at the time, and I soon realized that pulling my share of the weight was an understatement. I did everything. She didn't work and I did. I would come home at night and clean, feed animals, wash clothes, etc.. for hours while she basically did nothing. I know, bad idea right? Anyway, we got pregnant shortly after marriage, and it was a rough pregnancy. Almost miscarried twice and was put on bed rest after 6 weeks. This also meant no sex at all, but that was ok with me because of the situation. Well, by some miracle we had a child, premature but we had one anyway, and everything was going to be great. 

Well, after the recovery period things didn't really get great. They really started going down hill. No intamacy, no relationship really more like roomates, but hey she just had a baby and we are both wiped out after dealing with that all day and sometimes all night so I understand. I continue to do as much as I can to help, clean, cook, change diapers, etc.. Also, after much recovery and time she decided she wanted to go back to school. Hey, great, get a career, get on track, start bringing in some extra money, no complaints here. So she does, and although taxing at times I am supportive because I want to see her succeed and make a better life for our kids. 

Now, let me put a little disclaimer in here for a minute. I am not perfect in any way. I can be moody, and I do have a bit of a temper, but I have always admitted when I was wrong, and was never shy about saying I'm sorry when I knew I was wrong. Wife on the other hand, well, she has never been wrong-ever.
Anyway, first year of school goes good, I help her study and help her with projects. Everything is good in that way. We still have no sex life with me having to basically beg for it. She blames it on a medication she had to take before she got pregnant that killed her hormone levels. Soooo, I try to be content and enjoy raising our kids. Then everything gets thrown up in the air. I get transferred to another city about 2.5 hours away. She can't leave because she has another year of school left, and I am not moving my kids to this particular city for several reasons I won't go into. 

Well, I stay in another city during the week and drive home on most weekends. She isn't by herself as her parents live 2 minutes away and mine about 20 minutes away. During this time things start to get weird. To me anyway. She starts hanging out with her girlfriends a lot. Most of the time at the house studying and the such, but it was at this time that I started feeling something just wasn't right. It started when she called and told me there was a party that she wanted to go to on the upcoming weekend. It was on a Friday and I said that was fine, and that I was coming home so I would go with her. It was a class party. Well a little while later she told me it was cancelled. I said ok, that I would just stay at work. Then it was back on, but for Saturday, and I said fine I could change the schedule and come home on Saturday. Now its she doesn't know if they are having it or what day its on. You get the picture. Well eventually she told me it was cancelled again and I made plans to stay at work. Right after it was too late for me to come home, you guessed it, the party is back on and she is going. I voiced my displeasure and she said it was ok and she was going anyway. To be continued as to break it up a little.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

Ok, back to the story. I wasn't happy, but what could I do? She went to the party and called me on the way to her friends house who she said she was going to stay with. She said she was riding with her female friend and her boyfriend. Well, when they got to her friends house I heard her mention something about her vehicle and when I asked her why it was there, she admitted that she lied and that she had driven to her friends house after drinking, which infuriated me. She was also very quick to get off the phone and I didn't talk to her again until the next morning. We talked about it and got it ironed out with her apologizing and promising to never do it again. 

Well, a few months after that I changed jobs and moved back home. Being gone almost a year at this point. Thing is she was starting some graduation work that required her to be away from home for several weeks. About 6 hrs away from home. I was what it was so we dealt with it. Now, my radar was up a little at this point. Lying, no sex, weight loss, blah blah blah. She comes home for a weekend and as she is unpacking I see a very small, sexy nighty type outfit. I had never seen it before and asked her about it. She said she got it on sale for very cheap and couldn't pass it up. Ok, but the problem is she has not once ever worn it for me, ever. Radar goes up a little more. Well, we still are having no sex life and I am getting irritated to no end. She can't blame it on medication anymore, do now she is blaming it on paini during intercourse. Says it is no fun. I say ok, well, there are other ways to be intimate, but it was all to no avail. 

So time goes on and she does her school work and up comes graduation. Yay, she finished something. Right before graduation I find some texts on her phone talking to a guy from her class. Mind you she has a lock on her phone and stays on it constantly. I just happen to know the lock code at that time. Anyway, the texts were kind of flirty and then eluded to some pictures that were sent. Next one of the texts to him says "oh, by the way this is "a friend of my wifes name" and that she is using my wifes phone. Well, i ask her about it and she acts like she doesn't know what I am talking about. She even hands me her phone and when I look it up it is deleted. I call her on it and she blames it on her friend and says she deleted it because she didn't want to embarass her friend. Ok, I let that go, but it ain't gone for good. I still have it in the back of my mind. 

Next, one day I am getting in her vehicle and open the console. There is a pair of panties in the console. two days later I find a pair in her purse. When asked about this she says it was from a change of clothes or some crap that I bought like an idiot. Really, who carries panties around in their purse. Am I missing something here? To be continued again. I promise I will get to the end of it at some point.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She's cheating take her for a polygraph you may get the rest of the story in the parking lot. All the red flags are there bro.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

Well, up comes the graduation party. Figured that, but what I didn't figure was her telling me I couldn't go. When asked why she said it was just for students. I called BS on that and told her I didn't want her to go. That it was ridiculous for them to just have students there and I didn't think that was the real reason anyway. She told me I was being ridiculous and that she was going to stay with a female friend of hers. Well, I didn't give in, but she went anyway. The party ended up being at one of the guy students house and she stayed there that night. She told me this the next morning. I wasn' thappy, but this guy roomed with one of my really good friends so if something would have happened he would have called me I figured. I confront her anyway about my thoughts on possible cheating and she tells me I am being ridiculous, that she hasn't done anything wrong, I am being paranoid, I am probably the one cheating for accusing her, blah blah. So I drop it and think to myself I am being paranoid. 

Well, everything is going as well as can be expected I guess, with the exception of her not wanting to get a job and just work part time doing something not even remotely in her field making minimum wage. She is acting very eratically, good mood, bad mood, irate mood, good mood. Everything pisses her off, and she does no wrong. No sex life. Once a month at best if I beg and it's the most boring thing you could imagine. She has also lost a ton of weight. Well the other day I look at her phone and see some texts to a guy she works with. Less than appropriate is being nice. Heavy flirting, from her mostly, and flirty insinuations of sexual things. I confront her and she says yes they were innapropriate, but nothing is going on, it was just flirting because she enjoys the attention, that I don't give her that attention and she messed up and looked for it in another way. She said it was innapropriate but never once apologized. I also found out recently that she has blown every cent of money that I had. She was supposed to be handling the bills, but instead was behind on everything and blew my savings. When asked where it went she simply said she didn't know. So, I take over the money and get most of the bills straight. Now my radar is in full swing and I start doing a little investigation of my own.

Through contacts I find out that she was at a lot of parties during school that I didn't know about. That she was constantly on her sons phone while at school texting or talking to someone. I never checked his phone. That the night she drove intoxicated to her girl friends house she really stayed at another guys house that was in her class. That all her friends knew she took enormous amounts of pain killers that she got from somewhere. Also that at one particular party that was supposed to be for a particular girl she stayed in the bathroom all night on the phone with someone. I also found out she was constantly bad mouthing me as mean and controlling, and even came to one of her friends house with a black eye and told them I hit her. Funny thing is that after she took a shower the friend noticed the black eye was almost gone. At the moment she still stays on her phone every waking minute, I hear her text thing going off at odd hours, during an argument the other night she begged me to hit her so she could call the cops, and in front of the kids screamed for me to leave them and they would all be better off because I was a failure as a father. This from the woman that wouldn't have a thing in the world if it weren't for me. My kids don't hurt for anything and I have never hit a woman in my life. I was raised better than that. I am at the time being at a loss. I don't know what to do or what to think, so that brings me here. I know super long, and I apologize again, but thoughts anyone?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Boot her ass out the door. She's cheating and doesn't have any intention of stopping. And get STD tested.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry man, she's cheating, so go low key for a while, fake it, don't confront without hard undoubted evidence. Start doing *real sleuthing*... VAR in the car, spyware in the phone, keylog the PC. Watch the phone bill.

If you reach a wall you might even provide the oportunity and follow her or to scare her by with a half confrontation, dropping something to be sure she knows you are into her (remember, never reveal your sources) and watch the fireworks.

Females waywards almost always have confidants, GFs who knows, encourage or even provide alibis. They will text eachother about it frecuently. Don't necessary focus in direct comunications with OMs.

Read this thread, surely someon before you asked a similar question you have.

anyone interested in evidence gathering thread?

If you get the evidence you need, come here to prepare *before* confrontation. You'd need to think hard whether you want to remain married. Depending on it I can be more convenient to simply lawyer up. The timing and the steps may vary depending on the desired outcome.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

I have though about the spyware on the phone, she has an android and is pretty tech savvy and unfortunately I am not. We don't have a home computer. I am going to get a VAR today. Question about a VAR. Do they make any kind of noise when they turn on or off, when the battery is low, you know what I'm getting at. I know I confronted too soon. I didn't know about this site and the procedures to go through at the time. The contacts I got information from don't have anything to do with her anymore, and were sorry they didn't let me know sooner. I am trying to act normal and just go through the motions now, but damn its hard. Divorce is definitely an option if my radar turns out to be correct, with all the lying in the past that I know for a fact she has done, I couldn't trust her anymore. My child is the only one I am worried about. VAR suggestions? Hopefully not super expensive. Can I get one at say BEST BUY? Also, where is the best place to put it in a vehicle as to not be discovered.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You might also want to carry a VAR on you as she seems intent on making you look like an abuser.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GET A VAR RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

A VAR (voice activated recorder) is a great tool to protect you from false accusation. Keep it on your person at all times.

Go see a lawyer and at the very least get informed on your options, you will need one very soon so start looking.

You have to understand that any one that takes the effort to put makeup on and falsely accuse you of hitting her...to friends......will have no problem in scratching her self or even slambing her own face into the wall to get you out of the home.

Great mother don't do this to there childrens fathers, she is emotional unstable and will stop at nothing to screw you over.

In addition her makeup job was ment to get some guy to "take you out" 

Brother you are in a very dangerous position, sorry if this seems over the top but I have been her long enough to know what she is trying to do to you. Protect your self now. Get the VAR and beg borrow and steal to get the money to retain a lawyer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get 2 VAR's one on your person and one velcrow taped under her car seat.

I hope you understand that in her mind you are the devil, in her mind she has no guilt for being the party girl cuz you are so abusive...get it ...it makes her feel less guilty for sleeping around.

Who ever your contacts are, they are trying to prevent you from more pain in not telling you whats your wife is really doing.
They may be telling you some things but the unimaginal is to painful for them to tell.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yeah - she is cheating and has been for a few years. Lying to you at every turn and making you out to be the bad guy so her friends will not call her out on her behavior. She is making you out to be a terrible, abusive person to justify her cheating.

She used you to get her through school. She only stays with you so she can blow your money and finance her affairs.

Get the evidence if you need to, but I think you have enough already.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Yeah - she is cheating and has been for a few years. Lying to you at every turn and making you out to be the bad guy so her friends will not call her out on her behavior. She is making you out to be a terrible, abusive person to justify her cheating.
> 
> She used you to get her through school. She only stays with you so she can blow your money and finance her affairs.
> 
> Get the evidence if you need to, but I think you have enough already.


Yea it's time to get YOUR finances in order, get the vars see an attorney and file.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why bother gathering evidence? She wants you out and if you find out she has been cheating what are you going to do... save the marriage?

You can't save the marriage if you're the only one trying.

You should file for divorce, have her leave and go to her boyfriend's house and get on with your life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I couldn't find any at BestBuy, try Radio Shack.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Best buy has an Olympus model I use. 700m. It cost me $119. Then I went to Walmart and got 3m heavy duty Velcro. Stick one side on VAR and other Velcro under her front seat metal part. The Olympus model I got had to be set up by me in the menu option to only turn on when it hears sound. It does not make any sound while recording or low battery. 

Something tells me you will get all the evidence you need within 2-3 days. If you get that model write back on your post and I can walk you through setup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Not to hijack but any updates jerry?


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

Well, we share a bank account, but I have taken control of all finances at this point. She only gets the cash I giver her, which she is pissed about, but oh well. It never really crossed my mind that she was playing the poor innocent victim to her friends to justify her ways. I guess I was, and still am to a point trying to deny it to myself. At this point I really don't know where she would find the time to cheat. She only works a few days a week and is home the others. She doesn't really party anymore, and if she does I am there. I don't know, maybe I am kidding myself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

guitarman said:


> Well, we share a bank account, but I have taken control of all finances at this point. She only gets the cash I giver her, which she is pissed about, but oh well. It never really crossed my mind that she was playing the poor innocent victim to her friends to justify her ways. I guess I was, and still am to a point trying to deny it to myself. At this point I really don't know where she would find the time to cheat. She only works a few days a week and is home the others. She doesn't really party anymore, and if she does I am there. I don't know, maybe I am kidding myself.


Forget the shared bank acct. she could wipe you out it's happened before. Take half the money out set up acct. in YOUR name. VARs in her car and in the house she is trying to set you up for abuse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its kind of hard to be the party girl when your husband takes all the money away...ask my wife!

Your contacts are only telling you a small part of her past behavior.

She 's home now cuz all her party friends now see what a nut she is and worry about there own boyfriends sleeping with her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Its kind of hard to be the party girl when your husband takes all the money away...ask my wife!
> 
> Your contacts are only telling you a small part of her past behavior.
> 
> She 's home now cuz all her party friends now see what a nut she is and worry about there own boyfriends sleeping with her.


Wow! Good point.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Tom: got a pen recorder now in her purse. The VAR picked up her talking to herself again and it was what prompted me to get the pen recorder. I will PM you so we don't hijack thread anymore. 

Guitar man: Listen to these people. They know what there're talking about. You will look back and see how obvious it is after you get the evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet she is really depressed now.

She must be going thru withdrawls. 

Those good old college days, I miss them and the girl..... I'll leave it at that!


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

I tell ya, I know something has gone on, or going on or both. I am just the type of person that needs concrete undeniable proof. I guess I have been conditioned that way due to her denying everything over the years and turning it around. She will never admit to anything unless it is shoved in her face. I guess part of me just wants to see her have to admit it. Is that crazy? And then again I guess I am scared that if I go with what I have and blow hell wide open and I am wrong then I look like a moron and a nutcase. Even though I know the odds of me being wrong are small at this point.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Gather the evidence to validate the next step you need to take. Even though it sounds like the damage is done and she has settled down for the moment.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

whats nice about getting the smoking gun is not only is undeniable proof, it also helps in the damage control with friends and relatives.

Make no mistake she will make you look like the bad guy in all of this, the smoking gun/ proof you have will set other straight on whats really going on.

You no damb well she is talking sh!t about you, prove her wrong by getting the evidence that its not you its her and you are only protecting the marriage and the family..not trying to control her.

Right now you look like a abusive controling @ss hole, were in fact she is cheating and to make it look ok, she tells lies about you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Gather the evidence to validate the next step you need to take. Even though it sounds like the damage is done and she has settled down for the moment.


Well if your still not getting any sex (wouldn't do it till she gets std test anyway) that for me alone is enough for me jmo.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So, you have met my ex wife and she has only slept with ten men, she must be slipping. Run Forrest Run!


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

guitarman said:


> I tell ya, I know something has gone on, or going on or both. I am just the type of person that needs concrete undeniable proof. I guess I have been conditioned that way due to her denying everything over the years and turning it around. She will never admit to anything unless it is shoved in her face. I guess part of me just wants to see her have to admit it. Is that crazy? And then again I guess I am scared that if I go with what I have and blow hell wide open and I am wrong then I look like a moron and a nutcase. Even though I know the odds of me being wrong are small at this point.


They never admit it. And she is gas lighting you. Look up on google what that is. She is doing a good job at it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

guitarman said:


> Well, up comes the graduation party. Figured that, but what I didn't figure was her telling me I couldn't go. When asked why she said it was just for students. I called BS on that and told her I didn't want her to go. That it was ridiculous for them to just have students there and I didn't think that was the real reason anyway. She told me I was being ridiculous and that she was going to stay with a female friend of hers. Well, I didn't give in, but she went anyway. The party ended up being at one of the guy students house and she stayed there that night. She told me this the next morning. I wasn' thappy, but this guy roomed with one of my really good friends so if something would have happened he would have called me I figured. I confront her anyway about my thoughts on possible cheating and she tells me I am being ridiculous, that she hasn't done anything wrong, I am being paranoid, I am probably the one cheating for accusing her, blah blah. So I drop it and think to myself I am being paranoid.
> 
> Well, everything is going as well as can be expected I guess, with the exception of her not wanting to get a job and just work part time doing something not even remotely in her field making minimum wage. She is acting very eratically, good mood, bad mood, irate mood, good mood. Everything pisses her off, and she does no wrong. No sex life. Once a month at best if I beg and it's the most boring thing you could imagine. She has also lost a ton of weight. Well the other day I look at her phone and see some texts to a guy she works with. Less than appropriate is being nice. Heavy flirting, from her mostly, and flirty insinuations of sexual things. I confront her and she says yes they were innapropriate, but nothing is going on, it was just flirting because she enjoys the attention, that I don't give her that attention and she messed up and looked for it in another way. She said it was innapropriate but never once apologized. I also found out recently that she has blown every cent of money that I had. She was supposed to be handling the bills, but instead was behind on everything and blew my savings. When asked where it went she simply said she didn't know. So, I take over the money and get most of the bills straight. Now my radar is in full swing and I start doing a little investigation of my own.
> 
> Through contacts I find out that she was at a lot of parties during school that I didn't know about. That she was constantly on her sons phone while at school texting or talking to someone. I never checked his phone. That the night she drove intoxicated to her girl friends house she really stayed at another guys house that was in her class. That all her friends knew she took enormous amounts of pain killers that she got from somewhere. Also that at one particular party that was supposed to be for a particular girl she stayed in the bathroom all night on the phone with someone. I also found out she was constantly bad mouthing me as mean and controlling, and even came to one of her friends house with a black eye and told them I hit her. Funny thing is that after she took a shower the friend noticed the black eye was almost gone. At the moment she still stays on her phone every waking minute, I hear her text thing going off at odd hours, during an argument the other night she begged me to hit her so she could call the cops, and in front of the kids screamed for me to leave them and they would all be better off because I was a failure as a father. This from the woman that wouldn't have a thing in the world if it weren't for me. My kids don't hurt for anything and I have never hit a woman in my life. I was raised better than that. I am at the time being at a loss. I don't know what to do or what to think, so that brings me here. I know super long, and I apologize again, but thoughts anyone?


I think its pretty obvious and I think its pretty obvious to you also, its just hard to admit.

Do the 180, see how she likes that!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When I was going thru this crap I had to settle the phuck down and take control of the emotional roller coaster. I set up a plan and worked my plan. Even after a couple uneffective confrontation, I worked my plan and had a very effective confrontation that actually saved my marriage.

FYI, I stopped engaging my WW, for the most part I acted indifferent,cut off the the money, gathered the proof, gathered my options, and had an effective confrontation.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

I appreciate all the replies/advice. You all kind of just reinforced what I already thought. I knew you would, you can only kid yourself for so long. I am going to get a VAR today and see how this pans out.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Gman, please save yourself time, money and pride!! Go straight to divorce and DO NOT LOOK BACK!! There is nothing to save here but yourself


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Gman, please save yourself time, money and pride!! Go straight to divorce and DO NOT LOOK BACK!! There is nothing to save here but yourself


And DNA the kid you have with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

kenmoore14217 said:


> Gman, please save yourself time, money and pride!! Go straight to divorce and DO NOT LOOK BACK!! There is nothing to save here but yourself


ken you make a good point even though some guys need to see it or hear it or read it for them selve to validate that step to divorce.

Kind like having the confirmation that what they do next is justified, knowing for a fact that she did what she did.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

the guy said:


> ken you make a good point even though some guys need to see it or hear it or read it for them selve to validate that step to divorce.
> 
> Kind like having the confirmation that what they do next is justified, knowing for a fact that she did what she did.


Specially when there's a kid in the middle.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shes cheating big time. 

But honestly I'd have already kicked her out for that disrespect. 

No way in hell am I living with someone who wastes my money and doesn't respect me.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

Being justified is a good way of explaining it. Also, I was always raised to finish what I start, and not be a quiter. To work as hard as you can and everything will be ok. I know this is true in a lot of instances, but I'm not sure this is one of them. Also, my child is my world and plays a role in everything I do. I have to consider that while I plan for the future. I will admit that for a long time I have been beaten down and submitted. I have not been myself, and anyone that knows me will tell you that. I am strong willed, hard headed, and not scared of a fight if that is what it takes to stand up for what I feel is right, but for several years now, or at least with her I have not been that way.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Guitarman, evidence gathering is irrelevant now; *you know the truth*.

If it was me, I would turn to ice and become a complete stranger to her the moment I found out she spent the night at another mans house. I would end my marriage *ON THAT BASIS ALONE!
*
Never mind that She:

Doesn't want sex
Ridicules you to her friends
Accused you of hitting her
Carries spare panties around
Hides her texts
Is completely lazy

Not to mention that she's irresponsible with money, lies to you and abuses drugs!

Seriously??? You need more? Is this not so obvious to you?

Right now, you need to be discussing, with the people on here who know about these things, the best course of action insofar as divorce, custody, etc.

*I would not spend another night under the same roof with her; I really wouldn't.*

T


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I've seen another poster similar to yourself

Her husband's cheating and yahoo sexting buddies was even more obvious than your wife's infidelities. 

What I saw her do was she'd come on and rant more about what her crappy husband would do. Everyone would tell her to kick him out and file divorce, she'd say she had to find proof.

A few months passed, she came back and ranted more about new things he'd done, and she'd continue this for quite some time. 

Each time she'd be told she needed to just D him, she'd crow about catching him in the act, and this was particularly frivolous since she caught him cheating before and he didn't even give a sh!t that time, so even if she did catch him again its not like anything different would happen. 

She eventually booted him(at least I hope she did when she said so)

but all that time she spend suffering emotional abuse, and being a warden, just to get the same result which she could've gotten months earlier if she just filed.

I really hope you don't fall into the same hole she did.

Proof or no proof, it really doesn't matter does it? You don't trust her and thats more than enough reason for a marital revamp(whether you divorce or not) 

Even in court, infidelity doesn't matter. 

Proof or no proof doesn't change the fact that SHE SLEPT IN THE HOUSE OF ANOTHER MAN. 

Thats near unforgivable in a marriage.

And the way you just bought it, shes treating you like a fool.

So at the end of the day you're much better off just filing. 

You get what I'm saying?


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

I do understand what everyone is saying. Believe me, I not only hear it from all of you gracious people, but friends and relatives as well. I know, I know. Why not just do it? Well, I am going to set up an appt. with a lawyer sooner rather than later. I am looking for one now. At least I can get some advice as to how to proceed. I really hate this for my child, but what do you do? You can't control others actions. I am still going to also proceed with the VAR just, well, just for the hell of it I guess. It still would be nice to have concrete proof. She doesn't know that I know all that I do. She doesn't know that I know half of what I do. I can't really confront her with it because the certain contact asked that I not bring their name into it even though they don't have anything to do with each other anymore. Anyway, we will see where it goes.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Guitarman, evidence gathering is irrelevant now; *you know the truth*.
> 
> If it was me, I would turn to ice and become a complete stranger to her the moment I found out she spent the night at another mans house. I would end my marriage *ON THAT BASIS ALONE!
> *
> ...


:iagree:

Just re-read your third post (I missed the last part, the more important one).
Tony is right. You don't need more evidence.
She's sh1tting on you at all levels.

Plan you exit.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And carry a VAR with your everywhere. She already made up physical violence. Expect the worse once she knows you are leaving her. Protect yourself.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

The op isn't going to do a single thing that he has been advised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Perhaps not, spurnedlonely, but the advice on here will push him further towards doing the right thing.

This is probably the single biggest thing ever to happen in this gent's life - it was in mine and that includes us having 2 kids and lots of other stuff. That's because this isn't *meant* to happen, whereas most other stuff *is*.

He will listen - that is why he has come along here - but these things take a *lot* of time, will and self assessment.

guitarman: take it easy, but don't take chances. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to either take your phone everywhere with you and have it ready to use a recording app should it have one, or get a VAR for YOU.

Your wife will turn nasty when this all kicks off. She will and it will.

Good luck and keep us updated. We might have differing opinions on here, but what we do have in common is that we all care.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

Thank you Chris. You are right, it does take a lot of will and self assessment. This is the biggest thing that has ever happened and isn't how I planned my life after marriage at all. I have already followed advice on here Spurnedlonely so you my friend are wrong. I just got back from radio shack if that tells you anything. Then a trip to Wal-Mart. So, I didn't come here looking for attention, or trolling, or because I had nothing else to do. I understand that a lot of people probably do come here and receive advice from everyone and don't follow through with it. They may hear something they don't like, or chicken out, or whatever, but that is not me at all. Not the old me anyway and that is the me I am going back to. Thanks for the advice once again and I will definitely keep everyone posted as to how it goes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you. I look forward to your updates.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No one keeps extra panties in the car.

Get a home semen test kit and check her panties after any suspicious missing times for example having to work extra early or late or getting called in at the last minute.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Does it matter whether you find anything or not?

She LIED about you physically abusing her. What happens when she does that next time only involving the police? This can ruin you. 

That is very dangerous behavior. I would file for separation and begin the 180. Do not talk to her - stay away from her as much as you can physically and record your interactions.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

I got home last night and started thinking about this thread and wanted to clear a thing or two up. I am in no way defending my wife or her actions, but in all fairness I do not want to portray her as some stark raving lunatic that is constantly screaming, and fighting with me. She does have her good points and that is what makes everything so crazy. Now, I know how manipulative she can be and believe she is borderline bi-polar. Her mother is from what I gather. Now this doesn't forgive her actions. Also some of the things I posted happened over a year ago and I am just now finding out about them so semen tests and all that jazz are a no go at the moment. Just wanted to clear that up and am playing with the VAR at the moment to get the hang of it. Will be putting it to use soon.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So her college days are a year old, she still treating you like crap. Once she finds that one thing that she had in school, you might find her treating you better....thats when I would be concerned.

One thing you now know is the capablity your wife has....sorry man!

Is it safe to say she has settled down or does she still want you out of the house?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

guitarman said:


> I got home last night and started thinking about this thread and wanted to clear a thing or two up. I am in no way defending my wife or her actions, but in all fairness I do not want to portray her as some stark raving lunatic that is constantly screaming, and fighting with me. She does have her good points and that is what makes everything so crazy. Now, I know how manipulative she can be and believe she is borderline bi-polar. Her mother is from what I gather. Now this doesn't forgive her actions. Also some of the things I posted happened over a year ago and I am just now finding out about them so semen tests and all that jazz are a no go at the moment. Just wanted to clear that up and am playing with the VAR at the moment to get the hang of it. Will be putting it to use soon.


Um, no offense but the fact that she would fake an injury AND blame you indicates some serious and dangerous tendencies. You need to be very careful. It doesn't take a shred of actual proof or evidence for a woman to make a claim of domestic violence. Proceed cautiously and document everything in a safe place.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

guitarman said:


> I do understand what everyone is saying. Believe me, I not only hear it from all of you gracious people, but friends and relatives as well. I know, I know. Why not just do it? Well, I am going to set up an appt. with a lawyer sooner rather than later. I am looking for one now. At least I can get some advice as to how to proceed. I really hate this for my child, but what do you do? You can't control others actions. I am still going to also proceed with the VAR just, well, just for the hell of it I guess. It still would be nice to have concrete proof. She doesn't know that I know all that I do. She doesn't know that I know half of what I do. I can't really confront her with it because the certain contact asked that I not bring their name into it even though they don't have anything to do with each other anymore. Anyway, we will see where it goes.


Dude,

What's your problem? You're wife gives you no sex, spends all your money and refuses to come clean about what she's doing. Why are you still in this marriage?

You don't need to confront her. Divorce is "no fault" these days. Just tell her you've had enough and file. You don't even have to give her an explanation -- she'll know why you're doing it.

As for your child's well-being, ask yourself if she will be better off living in a home for the next 10 to 15 years with a father who is miserable beyond belief or being raised at least part of the time by a father who has regained his self-respect and built a happier life (which you will, once you get back on your own).

Your call, of course, but IMO a guy with any self-respect wouldn't take as nearly as much crap has you have before pulling the plug.

Good luck.

P.S.: If you do summon up the courage to file for D, I'm betting you will see a whole different attitude from your wife. Once she realizes she's being kicked off the gravy train, she will do everything she can to stay on including suddenly becoming remorseful (to a degree) and (a little) more honest. She may even get romantic from-time-to-time. All this to keep you around longer (although she'll still make it seem like it's somehow your fault). Don't believe her. Based on everything you've said about her, there is little doubt that she is a user. Stop getting used.

P.P.S.: I agree with some of the other comments that your W is potentially dangerous once she realizes the game is up. Be on your guard. Tell your lawyer about the black-eye incident and ask him what you can do to protect yourself from false allegations.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Man, you should divorce her on her behavior alone... Lying to friends that you are hitting her ? Using your son's phone to contact other guys ? You haven't seen the worse of her yet !!

What phone does her son have ?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Any way what kind of women falsely accuse her husband for beating her up?
What kind of a wife keeps spare panties in her car and purse? What kind of a wife ruin the savings for her own fun and excitement?

She cheated you many times, lied to you, disrespected you. When you are going to say enough is enough and kick her as$ out?
But careful she is too toxic and dont end up behind the bars for false DV charges. VAR is your best friend and protector now.


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

He has an older Iphone. Don't know what model, but he has had it for a couple of years. Also, yes she has settled down. That is her usual way of doing things. We argue over whatever, normally she gets far off track of the point at hand and thinks of the most hateful things she can say and blurts them out. Example: The other night when she was yelling at me about being a horrible father and a failure blah blah. Then a day or so later she acts like nothing ever happened. Never an I'm sorry, or anything. Just like POOF the argument never happened. It's weird. Hopefully I will see a lawyer at some point next week and just for myself the VAR will be into play this weekend at some point.

I understand how blind I have been, and it blows my mind because I was never that type of person before. I guess it was my drive to try and make things better, or make things work for us or the kids or whatever. I just didn't want to give up until I felt like I had exhausted every effort, but yeah I have been a pushover and a bit of a chump. I see that now.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

you can recover texts from an iphone


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## guitarman (Nov 8, 2012)

How long of a log does an Iphone carry? Some of the stuff I would be interested in looking at is from 2010 or 2011. I wouldn't think I could recover things that far back, but if she was using it then I imagine she is using it now as well.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It depends if it is synced to a pc in the meantime. If it isn't and the messages are deleted then you might struggle. If it has been synced then the text messages are generally saved each time.

I have to go out now; one thing that may be of use to you is this:

iExplorer - iPhone, iPad Music & File Transfer App - Mac & PC

There is a free version around (genuinely - I don't mean pirated). If you need more help PM me or post back.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

guitarman said:


> I have though about the spyware on the phone, she has an android and is pretty tech savvy and unfortunately I am not. We don't have a home computer. I am going to get a VAR today. Question about a VAR. Do they make any kind of noise when they turn on or off, when the battery is low, you know what I'm getting at. I know I confronted too soon. I didn't know about this site and the procedures to go through at the time. The contacts I got information from don't have anything to do with her anymore, and were sorry they didn't let me know sooner. I am trying to act normal and just go through the motions now, but damn its hard. Divorce is definitely an option if my radar turns out to be correct, with all the lying in the past that I know for a fact she has done, I couldn't trust her anymore. My child is the only one I am worried about. VAR suggestions? Hopefully not super expensive. Can I get one at say BEST BUY? Also, where is the best place to put it in a vehicle as to not be discovered.


Digital VAR no tape, no motors to run. Hide one in the house and one in her car. Map pocket behind seat, taped under seat, taped under dash. Try which location records best.


Edit to add hide a real time GPS on WW's car.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The iPhone can sync with the PC and do backups, the texts are in the backup files.

If you want really old copies look one thing to check out is if you run a backup of your PC or Mac. For instance I run timemachine on my macs and I can recover old versions of the files from as far back as the backup goes.


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