# NEED ADVICE/HELP- dating my ex but she is still unsure



## needherback (Jun 10, 2011)

I'm going through hell and back! Really hope some of you will be able to share some advice/help so I can get on with life.

Right, a little background (I know it is long but the story could go on for a lot longer...):
We were together for 10 years and married for 5 1/2. We've got 2 kids (4 and 2). We separated 10 months ago.

It was my entire fault. I put myself under pressure, unnecessarily, believing I had to provide the highest levels of living. I felt it had to be NOW. I was doing very well at work and getting close to become a director in the company (large multinational). All that pressure was down to my believe that we should be living in a big house, going on amazing holidays and so on... I didn't really take notice of the fact that we were actually doing well, much better than we thought we would when we first got together. I guess I fell in the trap of comparing us to other friends without realising that they are 6-10 years older than us, 6-10 years further along the trip of life. That was stupid!!

So, along the way I picked up some debts I didn't tell my wife about. "I'll sort that out without worrying her about it" was my way of thinking. The debts were born from having to take a drop in salary, a couple of times, while on my way to finding the right company for me. In total, I owed just about 10k. 

Then, last year, my world was tipped upside down when I was accused of sexual harassment at work and later fired for it. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, and in turn to my family!! I had nothing to hide and my wife told me she was behind me 100%. Unfortunately, I was so devastated I became depressed. I also hated seeing my wife worried and I felt I couldn't show how very worried I was about it all. In addition, I knew I needed the income to keep up the repayments on my debt. I was feeling so down, without any control on what was happening in my life and keeping most of the pain, sorrow, worry and fear to myself. I didn't want her to worry...

At some point, I made the worst decision of my life and decided to "take the edge off" of things. I had tried cocaine a couple times over the years, at parties, and I knew it made me feel very confident and level headed (yeah, right!! The illusions of the evil drug!!). On a particularly bad day I sought a dealer (I knew of him dealing as he was a client of my company and my colleagues told me stories) and purchased some cocaine. I was hooked from the moment I took that first line, I wasn't worried anymore. I thought I had the answers to everything. My use developed into a heavy habit over the following 5 months. I kept it all from everyone. I was on my own hell for the whole time, whilst thinking it would be a good idea. By the time I realised how big a problem I had (I was snorting all day just to feel "normal"!) I had created other problems. I was unemployed and spent a lot of money. I even borrowed money from my father in law!!

Anyway, I told her about everything. The drugs and the money. She threw me out and I went to stay with my family. I decided to go into rehab and completed the program. 

I have now moved back nearer to her and my kids. I have managed to get a good job and I have been clean for almost a year. 

We have been meeting up, mainly to spend time with the kids. She tells me she doesn't think she loves me the way she would need to love me for us to get back together. However, she is not sure. 

We've been on 1 date and we are planning on going on more dates. We have also had sex a couple of times, but I know that happened because she was horny, rather than because she wants back. 

*Here is where I need a lot of help*:
When talking the other day, she suggested that a way for her to really find out how she feels would be if I dated another girl and slept with that girl. She figured that if she feels jealous or something, she would know there is something there?:scratchhead:

So the questions are:
Should I go ahead and do what she suggested?? 
What should I plan for our second date??
Should I stop going to the house? (I've been going over and helping with kids bed time and things like that)

How do I prepare myself for the possibility of her saying that there is no way back and she wants a divorce??

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you can tell me something that would help or, at least, make me feel better...


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Oh my goodness. Here are my best guesses:

1. Helllllllllllllll to the NO! Abdolutely not. I'd just think she needs time and space to think moreso than crazy weird game-playing like that. Way too risky to take her up on it.

2. I don't know, if I were in your shoes I'd be trying to keep a little more distance (ie. a soft 180) since she's not sure. 

3. I think it's wonderful that you do that and by no means should you stop. 

I feel for you in your position, but I think the best thing you can do is continue to work on yourself, both personally and professionally, help take care of your kids (physically and financially), and just give it time.


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## needherback (Jun 10, 2011)

Thanks. It is all my own doing, and I have learnt to accept that I have hurt the one I love more than life itself, so don't feel too bad for me, although it is nice to hear someone who understands I am REALLY going through hell.

Have you got any suggestions on what to do on a second date?
Should I go for something new to us? 
I'm inclined to not go for a dinner-date just yet. Instead, just go somewhere relaxed for a couple of drinks. Perhaps a stand-up comedy show (we've done this together in the past and really enjoyed every time)?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

agreed with AF, your wife's advice to you to have sex with someone else is attempted sabotage, she wants you to have an exit affair to make it easier for her to let go - don't do it!!!

for second date, (I can't believe I'm even attempting to dole out dating advice, it is by no means my speciality) just treat her nice, pay her a real compliment and try to have fun don't put pressure on yourself to be someone different - it sounds like you have made some progress trying to improve yourself so have confidence knowing that you are doing what you know to be the best you can. Put any expections, yours or hers, out of your mind. Something physical, including laughter, is always good for the endorphines and will help the postive energy, a walk or running, some kind of sports if shes into that, but let her win  make sure to include atleast a little bit of romance (ie bring a gift, flowers, something she's been eyeing etc) but don't lay it on too thick. Just do something for her and enjoy her company and try to set it up so she can see you enjoying it. The one thing I learned from (a failed) experience trying to date my wife during this period is if things start getting hot and heavy resist the urge for a quickie even if she offers it up, draw it out, make it last, tease her and string her along, take all night and if you go all the way muster up all your energy to stay awake after! (in other words, make sure you are well rested before the date)

And go to the house and be a good father, there is nothing unattractive to a woman about that (just don't be a burden).


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