# Trust Is Lost



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Hi Ladies....Have been married for 26 years with four children. Husband has always been very controlling and what he says went. I guess being busy with four kids oiver the years i just went with the flow even though i knew it wasn't right and i was resentful, i didn't want to rock the boat.My husband is very obsessed with money, it seems to be his security and he trusts no one. 
Over the years he has done a good job of saving and i 
nvesting, but i was never privvy to went went on. I always worked too but he enjoyed handling the money so i trusted him. On three different occasions i have found bank accounts i didn't know about. He said that it was his overtime money and it was none of my business.After the first time he promised not to do it again and would tell me if he opened a new account. Second time, i forgave him again and moved on. 
In the meantime i discovered an email account that popped up on the computer i had never seen before. I managed to get into it and discovered he had signed up for all kinds of dating sites and did a profile and what he was looking for. Well my trust went out the window. Again being the pushover that i was he promised not to do it again and i forgave yet again.
Last November i found another account with money in that i knew nothing about. Now i am peeved as there is so much wrong with my car but he didn't want to fix it as it would cost too much. When i confronted him he lied about the other account but i showed him proof.
My trust was gone and i started to feel more like a room mate than a wife so i thought fine that's how i'm going to be. So there was no affection and no physical contact between us. I still took care of the house and everything else i al;ways did. He didn't like the way things were but said he didn't want to change things as he said i've done nothing wrong. In January he took a f you attitude and decided to go on vacation to the Dominican by himself. He didn't tell me or our teenagers till the day before. The kids he texted from the airport to say bye i'm going on vacation.NICE. I asked him where in the Dominican he was going and he wouldn't tell me. So i said at least leave an emergency number just incase we had to get a hold of him, he refused( just another control tactic) . We never really tal;ked about his trip but i had my suspicions what went on down there. He said he had gone to get his diving certificate. 
Life went on as us living platonically until 2 weeks ago when he started to be really nice more respectful and helpful than he's ever been before. When we've had problems in the past he's been really nice to get things back to normal then they just went right back to the old ways.I shopped for his mum's birthday and he thanked me. First time in 26 years. I started having hope that maybe things could be different in the future.
Afew days ago he asked for some tea in bed, so i thought fine. When i brought him the tea he asked me to get into bed with him. I realized where this was going and said so and that we should really talk about what's been happening lately. I specifically asked him if he had slept with anybody when he was in the Dominican and he wouldn't answer me. I said i'll take that as a yes then. He said why do you care you haven't touched me in months. The most important reason for asking that question was he could have contracted a disease which then would have been passed on to me. He still didn't answer me but realized that he wasn't going to get what he wanted. Well talk about Jekyll and Hyde, he went from being this sweet complacent man that h'd been for the last two weeks into somebody mean and nasty. He said it was all my fault because i had rejected him. I now see why he was being so nice. He said it was to try and get us back to normal. to me if he really meant that he would nt have switched from being nice to being mean so easily. Just another reason not to trust him. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

cma62 said:


> Hi Ladies....Have been married for 26 years with four children. Husband has always been very controlling and what he says went. I guess being busy with four kids oiver the years i just went with the flow even though i knew it wasn't right and i was resentful, i didn't want to rock the boat.My husband is very obsessed with money, it seems to be his security and he trusts no one.
> 
> _Over the years he has done a good job of saving and i
> nvesting, but i was never privvy to went went on.
> ...


So sorry to hear all of this. Reading it really pi$$ed me off. There is no reason whatsoever to stay married to this "man." Collect all your evidence, store it in a safe place where he can't find it. Collect as much specific information as you can: bank names and account numbers, amounts, purchases made without your approval, evidence of cheating, trying to cheat. Any and everything you can. You may need it when you file for divorce.

I do not believe that people like your husband change. His deception/cheating is not just sexual, it is financial, and emotional too. Start making preparations to divorce. Get help.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

He does sound like a narcissist. There is no cure for that btw. He will unlikely change. What you see is what you get. Either you stay status quo or you start making plans to get the heck out of dodge. I'd choose the later if I were you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow. He hides back arounds from you, is online dating sites posting ads, goes on trips overseas he doesn't tell you about til he's at the airport, cheats on you then blames it on you an ddoesn't sleep with you.

This isn't a marriage.

If you have had sex with him you NEED to get tested for STDs STAT.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Magnoliagal and jellybeans......Thank you for your insight and suggestions. I know the time has come to make some important decisions. Luckyman...Thank you for your view on my situation... i appreciate a man's view and your comments and suggestions really made me think as to how much i have tolerated and maybe should not have. I'm sure it's quite obvious that assertiveness is not my strong point. I am going to get some help for that. As all four of my children are boys i think they have been negatively influenced by what they have seen and heard and i'm worried about how they are going to treat women in their future.


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