# Advice Fast PLEASE



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Hi...

I'm new here and I'm in dire need of help with my relationship. Short end of it...I just went through a divorce. My ex is fighting pretty hard -- for custody of our son because he does not like my new fiancé. I have been divorced a year. Just got engaged.

I have left the fiancé twice now -- the first time because I was just so scared of making the wrong decision and this last time because he's become so suspicious of me. 

Awhile back in our relationship he was going through my texts from my ex that I had saved on my computer for the divorce. One of them was my ex saying that he "enjoyed spending some time alone with me recently..." I told my BF that he was just talking about our coffee -- and YES my ex wanted me back -- but I did not do anything wrong. He sort of let it go...but became EXTREMELY jealous. Then, the next night I realized he busted into my computer and went through ALL of my texts. He found a text with a guy I knew that was flirtatious on HIS end. But, I participated - by saying -- looking forward to catching up...miss talking to you..etc. Well BF almost left me. He eventually said he wanted me regardless and he could move on.

I have done NOTHING wrong since this -- and my BF (now fiancé) now continues to grab my phone out of my hand to see what I'm texting and who I'm texting. If there's a phone call from a number I don't know...he tells me to answer it in front of him. If I ask to go back to the town to visit my son (now 2.5 hours away)....he says he doesn't want me going with OUT him. He needs to be with me -- because he's worried that my ex and I will meet or something. 

He also wouldn't allow me to even eat dessert with my son and his father (my ex) for Christmas -- (my son's request). He said no. I respected him and said okay....

Well, now he's gotten to the point of calling and verifying I have gone places that I say I have. (which I have). He wanted locations services turned on -- on my phone -- all the time. 

Yesterday - my son got sick and was in the ER. I told him I needed to go right away to get on the road. He insisted I turn around he come with. I said -- if you want to come -- then you go ahead and come in your own car. He said no -- and then he started telling me he was going to leave me -- demanding I turn on my location. Calling the hospital to see if my son was really there -- (he's a doctor). It's just one thing after another... 

So I said -- no -- I'm not coming back until he calms down. His texts were insulting. Telling me to go ahead and just have a "family time" with my ex and my son. And freaking out since I turned off my location services -- saying that I was screwing someone...there. 

He kept demanding that I talk to him. Well, I didn't come back and I stayed with a friend. (I turned on my location services to prove). He started crying -- sobbing -- saying love of his life is gone. That the 33k he spent on a ring was a waste. That he can't trust me. 

I said YOU SHOULD HAVE COME to see my son too! I told him to come. He said well -- you lied...you knew you wanted to go earlier but you didn't tell me because you wanted to go alone. 

Now, he's driving to me -- RIGHT NOW and he wants to get back together. This after threatening to block me million times and holding my items in his house hostage. He wants me back.

Truth is I LOVE THIS man...but he's SO insecure. And I don't know what to do.... I would have to quit my career to go be with him -- like ASAP and he is willing to have me...but I would also lose time with my son. 

What would YOU DO? He's almost here and wants to take me to dinner and drive me back to his house.... and I told him I wanted him back too. But, I am SCARED I'm choosing wrong.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

This is crazy. Don't marry crazy.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Well -- how do I end this? I'm SO weak. He's taking me to dinner and then waiting for me to get off work to drive me back to his house tonight. What do I do? 

And WHY do I love this man so much? He's like a drug.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

You just went through a divorce. He's the rebound. The only way to end it is just to end it. Tell him you can't be in a relationship with someone who's insanely jealous and you & your friend will be over in the morning to collect your stuff.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I know it's not the best to end things over the phone but this guy sounds scary so I'd call him now and tell him to turn around and not come.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is there any reason for his insecurity? Infidelity on either of your parts, or in your pasts? Is he willing to go to counseling? 

How long have you and your ex been separated? How old is your son? Who moved away from who, since you're 2.5 hours away from your son? How long have you been dating this guy?

My first thought is to tell your fiancé that this can't work the way it is. Cancel the engagement, and work on a healthy relationship without the pressure of marriage. But it's not going to get better over time without a LOT of work.

C


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening crazyville2
Please read what you wrote. Then answer. 

For example: I love my wife because we get along well, we enjoy the same things. We never run out of things to talk about. I love her because she is beautiful to me and after 30 years I still can't keep my hands off her. I smile when I see her, and she smiles when she sees me. We cuddle on the sofa watching silly movies. We've walked together in the Gobi desert, the jungles of the Yucatan, and glaciers in Patagonia. She trusts me and I trust her. 

OK, now tell us, why do you love this guy so much. 


From what I am hearing in your post. RUN RUN RUN. This is a dangerous, controlling crazy abusive person. 

He spent $33K on a ring??? I spent $200 and my wife still loves it 30 years later because I picked out something that she would enjoy, I wasn't trying to "buy" her. 

He didn't head out immediately to meet you at the hospital with your son?? I once flew 8000 miles back home when my wife called because she was feeling poorly. I walked out of my meeting, drove to the airport and took the next flight.

Give him back the ring. He will not make you happy. 





crazyville2 said:


> snip....
> 
> And WHY do I love this man so much? He's like a drug.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh dear god, run sweetie RUN!! This man is crazy.

Whether he likes it or not, there will be times, lots of them in the future where you HAVE to talk to your ex husband - you have a child together ffs!! Your ex h is well within his rights to request that your fiancé not be present during those times.

How dare your fiancé deprive your son of Christmas dessert with his parents??? I am surprised you allowed it!


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Well -- I have not cheated on him. 

However, he says that my texting issues noted in my first post -- have left him realizing that I can lie...very well. Because I initially denied that those things happened. I didn't realize he went through my computer on me. So - that was bad.

So he doesn't trust my word. And I understand that. That's why any time he saw my phone etc and wanted to read texts etc I let him. I was trying to be very transparent.

Since those issues that happened back in October -- no problems have emerged from me... 

So - this other "stuff" from him...is very much baseless. Except he doesn't like how I text my ex. He says I'm too nice.

TO answer PBEAR question -- I met this man the month after my divorce. My ex blew up and did not like the grandiose nature that he portrayed with me on FB etc. And then he got very angry at my ex and threated him over the phone saying he was "going to F him up" if he didn't stop texting me.

Then my BF (now fiancé) wanted to run the end of my divorce -- claiming that he may have to pay some of the bills - so he should be in charge. THAT ticked my ex off too -- because my BF has a lot of money and wanted to drain him dry. I should not have allowed as much as I did.

And THIS is why my ex fought to prevent me from moving my son with me. My BF said -- tell your ex that he can keep your son and he will eventually get tired of that. So, I had already quit my job and had to move with him - because It was all I had left. No job -- quit to move and job search in his city and then NO CHILD - because of the custody fight. 

SO, I moved in with him a couple of weeks ago -- and got scared. So, I secretly got my job back in my child's hometown and chose to move back. I packed and left. And I told him I had to go visit my son who was sick. He said he wanted to come. I said -- come on -- in your own car. I figured this was the REAL test. Instead, he stayed behind and got very angry that I turned my location services off. He then started to threaten to block me all together. He asked where to send my belongings. I told him he could come -- and he said I made it clear that since I didn't wait for him -- that I didn't REALLY want him there.

And that was half true... I wanted to come back -- 

Now -- he's begging me to be back with him - IF I want to be with him. He wants me to come home. But, that means I continue with every other weekend with my son -- instead of being in his hometown.

My ex will NOT move closer to me and my fiancé.

And we went to dinner tonight and he talked about his undying love for me. That he KNEW that we could work -- but that he just wanted to hear my voice and tell him that I still love him and want this...which I DO.

But, I am so scared of quitting (again) and then being without a job in his city and without my son. 

My son is 9 btw and my ex has already brainwashed him enough to tell me constantly that he hates my fiancé. However, when he's with us -- he really loves him. But, anytime I tell my son we are going with my fiancé somewhere -- he starts to cry. 

It's a horrible place for me to be in. And I have to decide in one hour. He's waiting to take me back to his house -- after I get off work.

What would YOU do?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Don't go back.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Your relationship is not stable enough to risk your job, son, and stability. You may not be able to get your job back again. If things go bad you could be stuck 3 hours away from your child with no money, no home, no job. He'll have total control over you. 

I would tell him to go back home without you.


----------



## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Seriously? You're even considering choosing this crazy, abusive, stalker man over your son?

What the frak are you thinking?

Your son is 9 years old. He needs his mom. He needs you to live in the same town as him. To see him every week. To go to his school plays and sports things. 

Why are you even considering leaving him?

If this guy wants to be with you, he gets your son too. He can be the one to move. 

And for God's sake, don't quit your job. That's just stupid.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> Well -- how do I end this? I'm SO weak. He's taking me to dinner and then waiting for me to get off work to drive me back to his house tonight. What do I do?
> 
> And WHY do I love this man so much? He's like a drug.


Drive you back to his house tonight? You drove yourself to where you are at. So you are going to leave your car at your friends? That will leave you with no transportation incase he goes over the deep end.

You stop it by telling him not to come get you. You will not go out with him. If he comes where you are you will call the police. 

If he defies your telling him not to come, it's called stalking and harassing.

the way you break your addiction to him is that you stop seeing him cold turkey. You don't talk to him; don't see him; no phone calls... NOTHING.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You stop it by telling him not to come get you. You will not go out with him. If he comes where you are you will call the police.
> 
> If he defies your telling him not to come, it's called stalking and harassing.
> 
> the way you break your addiction to him is that you stop seeing him cold turkey. You don't talk to him; don't see him; no phone calls... NOTHING.


Please don't go back to him. Don't do that to your son. Don't do it to yourself. You are in an abusive relationship and if you go with him, you will lose your son. Your X will do everything in his power to keep your child from you and that psycho, because that's the only thing he can do. He will hurt you and he will hurt your son. 

You don't love him. You love being in love. And I get that, it's an amazing feeling. But you will find love somewhere else. Don't lose your son or risk getting your son hurt over this. Don't make your son lose his mother.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good grief, you are giving up your son for this nut job of a "man"?

Someone needs to shake some sense into you. Seriously. Leaving your son behind is one of the single most horrible things a parent can do to their child.

Your ex is right. Your bf is bad news. You allowed your bf to threaten your ex and then to run your divorce. Do you realize that your bf knows that your ex is going to get custody because of what you are doing? Your bf said to let your ex take him because your bf does not want your son around much. 

Another thing to add to how your give up Mr. Crazy... think about the fact that if you go back to Mr. Crazy you will permanently lose your son. Think about that long and hard. Not only will you lose your son.. but he will probably grow to hate you for abandoning him.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why are you even asking this question?

I had a female friend that divorced, and bounced from crazy to crazy every 6 months. Would put crazy in front of even her kids' needs. 

One. I feel sorry for those kids. They seem broken now. 

Two. I think they are starting to resent Thier mom big time. 

Poor little ones. They were such happy kids before.


----------



## Lowdown (Apr 28, 2013)

I know you needed advice many hours ago, but please tell me you chose your son over this crazy control freak. You need to end this relationship now. Your son should always come first no matter what. As a father I could not imagine going a day without my son, and here you are ready to throw away your relationship with your son for someone who obviously wants control of everything concerning you. He's crazy going through your texts and computer and wanting to know where you are at all times. He doesn't trust you and the foundation of a relationship is built on trust. RUN


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dude is a controlling psycho and indecisive and insecure to boot. You need him like you need an STD. If you were childless you'd have the luxury of dealing with a bat crap crazy partner (not sure why you would wish to). You have a child you must protect. Even if Dr. Psycho is the best looking guy on earth and is sitting on a stack of gold, he's unstable and crazy as an out-house rat. He's violated your privacy, shown his extremely controlling, unreasonable, demanding, entitled character. Just imagine what life would be like if you were legally latched to this guy and had mingled finances. This guy has "abuser" written all over him and he's got the knowledge and access to drugs that could easily make him homicidal. He knows no boundaries and very likely imagines himself smarter than any mere cop. Dr. Evil wouldn't be living in my home or getting anywhere near my child. Psychos worry me. Highly educated, intelligent psychos worry me more.


----------



## Lowdown (Apr 28, 2013)

"This guy has "abuser" written all over him and he's got the knowledge and access to drugs that could easily make him homicidal. He knows no boundaries"

Good point Unbelievable, and very scary


----------



## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

If I was the judge assigned to your custody case your three posts would be all the proof I'd need to award full custody to the other parent.

Really, you let some dude you just met decide for you to give up your son? No, a 33k ring is no reason for something like that, sorry...


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sounds like you have a choice to make:

1) A life with him, being controlled, and losing your son. Miserable and unhappy, but apparently in love, if love means miserable and unhappy for you.

2) A life without him, full of possibilities, and with the opportunity to see your son grow and be a part of his life.

You can certainly choose option 1, many people do. Smart ones go for option 2.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Postpone the wedding, call off the engagement, return the ring, sit down and work on trust.

He isn't crazy, you are moving at hyper speed, and gave him a reason to doubt your integrity. That needs to be addressed, you need to stop and think about what must be running through his mind, and his anxiety. At the speed you are taking this relationship he can't possibly take the time to build back confidence in your integrity, so he has 2 options, and so do you.

1. Slow down, work on trust.
2. Go into hyper control mode and protect what little trust you have with extreme measures of validation.

If you marry him now, you will bring these issues into marriage, and one or both of you will resent moving forward too quickly.

If you want it to work, slow down, help him validate so he can build trust in you.

If you are 100% transparent, and have nothing to hide, he won't find anything.

Ask him what he needs to build trust. If he needs passwords to your fb, email, offer them, if he needs to see your texts, offer him your phone, show him the programs to recover deleted texts, so he sees that you have integrity. Let him snoop if you have nothing to hide. Just tell him, "I will give you the tools to build confidence in my integrity, but you need to stop the accusations and actually build trust."

If you aren't willing to offer transparency, rethink your relationship, you may not be ready for marriage yet.

Put your foot down now concerning your parenting, he has no right to control your relationship with your son.

I have a 9yr old boy, he resents my marriage, my wife hates the fact that me and ex communicate so well, wife and I got married 6 months from the day we met, and we had exactly the same issues you have now, we choose to get married quickly, I'm losing my relationship with my boy because new wife wants to control when I see him.

And I have the anxiety of your STBH, because I snooped and she lied, hid stuff from me, sect.

SLOW DOWN, he will understand, if not, bring him here to me and I'll tell him what is in store if he doesn't slow down.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you've been dating this guy for less than a year, and you're now engaged and moved in with him? Why the rush?

He has control freak/abuser written all over him, from all the interaction you describe. This is NOT likely to just magically get better. It hasn't helped that you've been lieing to him about multiple things and he's caught you; this just justifies his actions to him.

Hit the reset button, and give him his ring back. Move back close to your son. And be prepared to take out a restraining order on your now ex-fiancé. I suspect he won't go away easily.

C


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

$33,000 for a ring? That's reason right there not to marry the fool. It's probably a cz from qvc.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There's not much to add to this that's not already been said, but:

From what you've written, it seems as though you chose this new guy over your son, forgoing custody in the process and moving 2 1/2 hours away. And yes, it was for your new boyfriend.

This alone makes what your ex is saying valid, whether you like it or not.

How do you think it affects your son? 9 is not old enough to understand this process, or relationships, etc. All he sees is that his mom moved far away from him. And he will remember this for his entire life. You will always be his mother, but he will not forget that you moved away from him. And when he gets old enough to understand WHY you moved away, that will likely make it even worse, imo. So forever more, he will know that his mother chose to be with some guy over him. That his mother put her needs ahead of his.

As for your ex, it's not very nice of him to be bashing you to your son, however, it is likely not to "get him on his side" or anything as nefarious as that. The reality is that your ex, whether he wants you back or not, is frustrated and probably a little shocked that his son's mother would up and move like that. As would most people.

There's a great song lyric from one of my favorite bands:

"You can run all your life, but not go anywhere"

(10 pts if you know the band without googling it!)


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu are a mother. Your responsibility is to the child you created who did not ask for a scewed up life. Dump this toxic relationship and go live near your son and be his mother. Forget about dating and marrying men until your son is 18 years old.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your fiance is a piece of crap. Run away. Have some dignity.

There are better men out there. And you don't even have to HAVE a man. And you SHOULDN'T at this point. Get some therapy and learn how to respect yourself so you don't let creeps like that in your and your son's life.

btw, if I were your ex, I'd be fighting for custody, too.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> I would have to quit my career to go be with him --


Do you know what the very FIRST THING abusers do to their victim?

Isolate them - from any job, from any family, from any friends.

That way, they have no support system left to show them what a POS the abuser is.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Demand to see his phone in return. 
Tell him to keep his location services on so you know where he is at all times. 
Start calling the places he says he'll be and verify. 

Or, you can save yourself the drama and end this before you go insane. A year to get remarried is very soon after your divorce in my opinion. Some may disagree but you need ample time to learn to live alone, be self-sufficient, and build yourself up. 

Oh, and not to be harsh but please "grow a pair." You call yourself weak, but you aren't at all, you just aren't using your own power that's right in the palm of your hand. Spending time alone to heal helps to give you strength, the kind of strength that doesn't fear losing someone that sounds no good for you or your son anyway.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Crazy, 
Talk to your son now, be available to him. If he is terrified of your new relationship it will destroy him.

I put my son into the same situation you are. The shame I feel right now is affecting my health, my son is so messed up because I stood by and let my wife steamroll her way into my relationship with him. He pisses his pants he is so scared, I'm not exaggerating here, people on this board can vouch for that. My marriage, literally scares the piss out of my son. He is 9 years old.

I now live 2 separate lives, and must keep them separate, half the week I live at my mothers, and work on repairing my bond with my child, the other half I live at my house, and try to repair my marriage.

How's that appeal to you? My dream family.

Please, trust me, slow down. Its a lot easier to repair/replace a relationship with a grown man, than to try and win a child's heart back.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If he wants this much control now, imagine how bad it will be if you get married. Sure you were dishonest at first, but over a year is too long to hold onto guilt for Past actions.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If he wants this much control now, imagine how bad it will be if you get married. Sure you were dishonest at first, but over a year is too long to hold onto guilt for Past actions.


That depends, the effects of betrayal unaccounted for can last a life time.

Has she expressed guilt and remorse, or did she deflect?


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> Hi...
> 
> I'm new here and I'm in dire need of help with my relationship. Short end of it...I just went through a divorce. My ex is fighting pretty hard -- for custody of our son because he does not like my new fiancé. I have been divorced a year. Just got engaged.


You just told us that you are crazy.

You JUST went thru a divorce and you already have a fiance or even in a relationship? That's crazy

Fact that you are engaged = CRAZY 

First, you need to heal after divorce, not jump into ANOTHER relationship. This takes time (anywhere from 6 months to a year depending how long your marriage was).

Second, you are engaged 1 year into relationship? That is absolutely INSANE. Look up "Honeymoon phase", you and your new mate haven't even gotten to know each other well yet...and you are already planning marriage?

jesus

At this point, I don't blame your husband for wanting the child AT ALL. Heck, if you love your child and want what's best for them......I suggest you give up custody. Because based on your actions, you are just crazy.

And if your ex has ANY doubt in your new boyfriend, rather than get offended, may I suggest you listen and take a closer look at what he is telling you?

He is concerned about HIS and YOUR CHILD. Chances are high his concerns are completely VALID!



crazyville2 said:


> I have left the fiancé twice now -- the first time because I was just so scared of making the wrong decision and this last time because he's become so suspicious of me.


I had a feeling it would've got crazier!!!

Consequences of not being ready for another relationship/being clouded and not making right decisions to select the right partner IMO. Rebound type of a deal.




crazyville2 said:


> Awhile back in our relationship he was going through my texts from my ex that I had saved on my computer for the divorce. One of them was my ex saying that he "enjoyed spending some time alone with me recently..." I told my BF that he was just talking about our coffee -- and YES my ex wanted me back -- but I did not do anything wrong. He sort of let it go...but became EXTREMELY jealous. Then, the next night I realized he busted into my computer and went through ALL of my texts. He found a text with a guy I knew that was flirtatious on HIS end. But, I participated - by saying -- looking forward to catching up...miss talking to you..etc. Well BF almost left me. He eventually said he wanted me regardless and he could move on.
> 
> I have done NOTHING wrong since this -- and my BF (now fiancé) now continues to grab my phone out of my hand to see what I'm texting and who I'm texting. If there's a phone call from a number I don't know...he tells me to answer it in front of him. If I ask to go back to the town to visit my son (now 2.5 hours away)....he says he doesn't want me going with OUT him. He needs to be with me -- because he's worried that my ex and I will meet or something.
> 
> ...


he is insecure because YOU made him insecure.

Once you get a divorce with someone, there is no friendships or hanging out. Your relationship with your ex should be CO PARENTING relationship. As in, child related ONLY. Not friendly coffees etc.

You need to look in the mirror and figure yourself out honey. Lot of this is YOUR FAULT. Everything you are dealing with are consequences of your actions.

Here is what I would recommend:
YOU NEED TIME TO HEAL AND CLEAR YOUR HEAD. 

Sit your new guy down and have a serious discussion with him. Tell him that you were wrong for engaging in friendly like relationship with your ex and you realize it should've been child only and he had every reason to be suspicious. Think about it, would you ever date a men that was friends with his ex WIFE? Put yourself in his shoes. Tell him you didn't take enough time to heal before getting involved with him and you really need that.

If he is a smart man (a man that you really want) he will COMPLETELY understand this and give you the space that you need (if he loves you he will even wait until you are ready).

If he gets upset, angry etc, that should tell you that he is not so smart and probably not the best choice for a new husband.

Regardless, TAKE TIME TO HEAL.

Meanwhile, minimize your relationship with your husband to CHILD ONLY. Do not talk to him about anything but the kid. Make sure your ex knows that there is NOTHING LEFT. And the relationship is DONE (unless of course, that's not the case......).

Personally I think it's INSANE that you even introduced a new man to your child when you hardly knew him. I wouldn't introduce ANYONE to my kids if I was single until good 6 months to a year into relationship. Only when I feel I know the person really well and relationship is progressing.

Also, until the honeymoon phase is done (usually 2 years) and the "sparks" of "new relationship" wear off > see how things are (if the spark remains or dies)........I would never EVER recommend getting engaged or married. That is just insane.

You are setting yourself up for failure by not following any of the above IMO.

Good luck


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Crazy,
Do you confide in your ex about your current relationship?


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

First post 5:32pm



crazyville2 said:


> Hi...
> 
> What would YOU DO? *He's almost here and wants to take me to dinner and drive me back to his house*.... and I told him I wanted him back too. But, I am SCARED I'm choosing wrong.



2nd post 5:36pm



crazyville2 said:


> Well -- how do I end this? I'm SO weak. *He's taking me to dinner and then waiting for me to get off work to drive me back to his house tonight*. What do I do?
> 
> And WHY do I love this man so much? He's like a drug.


last post 4 hours later--still waiting for dinner




crazyville2 said:


> Well -- I have not cheated on him.
> 
> However, he says that my texting issues noted in my first post -- have left him realizing that I can lie...very well. Because I initially denied that those things happened. I didn't realize he went through my computer on me. So - that was bad.
> 
> ...



A little confused about the order of events here.

First he's nearly there to pick her up for dinner and take her back to his place.

Then, he's nearly there to pick her up for dinner, and then will return after work to take her back to his place.

Then, 4 hours later, he's still an hour away to pick her up from work, THEN dinner, then his place.

:scratchhead:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> That depends, the effects of betrayal unaccounted for can last a life time.
> 
> Has she expressed guilt and remorse, or did she deflect?


I'm sorry foolscotton, but this guy's behavior is way over the top. The first and foremost part of his behavior is that before he had any concerns about who she was talking to, he controlled her divorce; he told her to give her son to his father essentially telling her to abandon her son; then he moved her far enough away from her son to be sure that she had little contact with him. He also got her to quit her job, another way to isolate and control her.

That alone is a sign of a seriously controlling man. He's an abuse man. Encouraging anyone to say in an abusive situation is not a good idea at all.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry foolscotton, but this guy's behavior is way over the top. The first and foremost part of his behavior is that before he had any concerns about who she was talking to, he controlled her divorce; he told her to give her son to his father essentially telling her to abandon her son; then he moved her far enough away from her son to be sure that she had little contact with him. He also got her to quit her job, another way to isolate and control her.
> 
> That alone is a sign of a seriously controlling man. He's an abuse man. Encouraging anyone to say in an abusive situation is not a good idea at all.


None of his behavior would EVER matter if OP was a strong women and didn't ALLOW it to happen to begin with. CORE of the issue is OP.

And I still think that what her boyfriend was telling her was right. OP seems out of control based on what has been written.

Child is better of with the father.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> A little confused about the order of events here.
> 
> First he's nearly there to pick her up for dinner and take her back to his place.
> 
> ...


Very interesting observations, DoF. It does make one wonder if OP is completely above-board.

OP... did you go back to his place with him? Where are you?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> None of his behavior would EVER matter if OP was a strong women and didn't ALLOW it to happen to begin with. CORE of the issue is OP.
> 
> And I still think that what her boyfriend was telling her was right. OP seems out of control based on what has been written.
> 
> Child is better of with the father.


You are right, if she were a strong women, she would not have allowed any of this to happen. She would have told him to fly a kite a long time ago. So she would not be with him and he would not be pulling his control act on her.

The boy needs both parents. It would be much better if the OP were to dump the fiancé and go into counseling, make significant changes and grow as a person, so that she can be a good parent to her son.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Very interesting observations, DoF. It does make one wonder if OP is completely above-board.
> 
> OP... did you go back to his place with him? Where are you?


My bet is that she went back and we will not be seeing her again.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that she went back and we will not be seeing her again.


until next crisis...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> until next crisis...


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Hi there...here's my update. Thank you for your feedback -- I DO appreciate it.

I met him for dinner and he basically outlined all that I did wrong ...which was taking off and trying to go be with my son and not turning around to get him -- and then proceeding to lie about where I was after he started telling me that he was going to block me and lock up the house that I lived in with him.

I was wrong for lying -- I absolutely was. I told him after dinner that I was so so sorry - and that I think I need time to hang on to my job for a bit more near son -- and then wait until I get things straightened out. He was calm and kind -- but said he couldn't do the long distance thing again -- that it was just too exhausting but that he could "try"...

I ended up leaving and driving back to his house (2.5 hours away at 11:30 at night) so he could meet his clients this morning and then driving right back this morning so I could go back to work.

He says that he promises he won't treat me like this anymore -- that he just doesn't want any lies etc from me and I tell him the reason I get quiet or reserved with my details is because I feel like he's stalking me and then threatens to end things asap if I don't call him by a certain deadline. 

I see that I have made a lot of mistakes. I absolutely told him I was sorry for the previous issues with the texts -- and I have tried to be an open book for him.... and he swears he will never leave me -- he just wants truth and honesty.

The only problem here is that he wants me -- in his city and that means being away from my son. Except every other weekend...

And YES -- I have (as of late) been confiding in my ex about my issues with fiancé -- I have been trying to keep the peace because we are tyring to avoid costly legal stuff. When I am rude etc to my ex -- then he gets ready to fire off more legal ammo and I am broke. 

So, here I sit again -- he's in town - waiting for me to finish work. Telling me that he will wait for me -- if I want -- and we will spend the weekend together..that he loves me and can't lose me. He says he never really meant that he would let me drop -- but I told him - he shouldn't say things if he doesn't mean them.

So, it sounds like the consensus here is that I should tell him goodbye, keep my job and try to focus on my son. Why does that feel so darn painful and almost impossible to me? I couldn't even breathe when I told him last night that it was over --- I love this man so much. Maybe I'm insane?


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

IMO Crazyville, the problem is that you haven't recovered from your divorce yet. I remember feeling similar when I broke up with my xH. I was so desperate for love and affection I was very needy, and would do almost anything for someone who might love me. 

The fact that you were prepared to 
1 allow this man to be involved in your divorce, 
2 give up your son (and job) to move in with this guy 

tells me that you were not thinking straight.

He's gotten you when you were vulnerable and its only at that time that he could get someone to agree with the terms of his "love". 

You need time alone to deal with the loss of your first marriage, and now this relationship. You haven't had this yet.

You need time to reflect. You need time to rebuild yourself. There's no YOU in there now, you're just desperate for his approval. Believe me, that's what he wants.

Please don't get in any deeper with this guy. It will be long and painful if you do.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

None of this "update" changes the facts. Or, IMHO, the advice you've already got.

C


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Oh and PLEASE quit with the "I was wrong" stuff.


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> So, it sounds like the consensus here is that I should tell him goodbye, keep my job and try to focus on my son. Why does that feel so darn painful and almost impossible to me? I couldn't even breathe when I told him last night that it was over --- I love this man so much. Maybe I'm insane?


You love this man so much because he sits between you and a bunch of grief that YOU NEED TO GO THROUGH.

That's what rebound affairs are, a leap for some happiness in a bad time. They don't last because most people at that stage are vulnerable and don't choose very well, then realise they've made a mistake and get back to the grieving. Problem is, he likes vulnerable, so he's grabbed you and has been slowly taking complete control over you. 

Imagine explaining this to your son in 10 years time. When he hates you for deserting him. Or subjecting him to a stepfather who is controlling and trying to keep him out of your heart.


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

PBear said:


> None of this "update" changes the facts. Or, IMHO, the advice you've already got.
> 
> C


But she DID come back.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

OP... Your son will ALWAYS be your son and he will remember if you choose him or not. Men come and go... choose wisely.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> the way you break your addiction to him is that you stop seeing him cold turkey. You don't talk to him; don't see him; no phone calls... NOTHING.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This man has you thinking VERY unclearly about your child. Thus I echo this advice by EleGirl.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Yes -- I can SEE This but somehow I just can't seem to get the courage to end it.

He is being SO nice right now and starts to cry when talking about the possibility of losing me. 

It's killing me -- he wants to marry me -- now says he will do whatever it takes to help me fight for custody of my son etc....

And I know at the core he's a good guy -- it's just that I have been giving him these reasons to be suspicious and he has violated boundaries -- 

I apologized -- he says he understands and apologized too -- but this weekend, I'm supposed to have my son and take him back with us -- and my son will probably initallly say he doesn't want to go....

He wants his mom and dad back together and my EX is actually trying to help me ...as I try to recognize the controlling nature of my fiancé ...and I'm scared that I could lose any hope of having a decent relationship with HIM -- if I don't end this right away.

I just feel like I want to run away with my fiancé and not face the consequences and I REALIZE that is just insane of me to even think...

I have a child...why am I having trouble putting him first?
It's like I want someone to come in and hold me hostage and prevent me from fiancé right now -- break it off -- 

But I can't...I know I will feel as if I had an arm cut off. 

Love this man... just not some of the actions.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you looked into counseling for yourself?

C


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Character is determined by our actions. 

We are our actions because our actions show our choices.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You should not have to move to come to him.

Your child is first, he can move his life to you.

All the crying and niceness is right out of an abusers playbook.

He knows how to play you.

Tell him no and watch the other side come roaring to life. 

You need to just act on what you know is right, your son and him alone. The rest will fall into place. 

YES it is going to hurt. you are fighting stockholm syndrome... Click my link below for a link to it..

Right now you need to follow your head and not your heart.


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> Yes -- I can SEE This but somehow I just can't seem to get the courage to end it.
> 
> 
> I just feel like I want to run away with my fiancé and not face the consequences and I REALIZE that is just insane of me to even think...
> .


You are feeling very weak now. Understood. Breaking up a relationship is hard. Of course he's hurting. So are you. And its normal as well to try to avoid grieving, to fight against what you know will bring on the grieving. But you need to grieve. 

How about you take the weekend out, spend it with your child away from your fiance and try to get your head straight. Kids are difficult during divorces, they can be tough. But your son needs you now, not your fiance. 

You need to back out of this relationship, get some counselling, get your life sorted out. It's tough and really easy to wish to just escape it all, that's what your F has been offering basically. But his escape involves him taking control of your life. It's not worth it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> The only problem here is that he wants me -- in his city and that means being away from my son. Except every other weekend...
> 
> So, it sounds like the consensus here is that I should tell him goodbye, keep my job and try to focus on my son. Why does that feel so darn painful and almost impossible to me? I couldn't even breathe when I told him last night that it was over --- I love this man so much. Maybe I'm insane?


No, you're codependent. You need to see a therapist. You need to be a MOTHER for your son while he's still a child, even if that means not having this man.

And for heaven's sake, read this book. Now. Today:
FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


----------



## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

crazyville2 said:


> Yes -- I can SEE This but somehow I just can't seem to get the courage to end it.
> 
> He is being SO nice right now and starts to cry when talking about the possibility of losing me.
> 
> ...


Stop that! Quit believing his version of you. You didn't give him any reason to stalk you or control you or play these mind games with you.

Bottom line: If he really loves you and wants to marry you he needs to put his money where his mouth is. He can quit his job. He can move to be near you. He can give you the time you need to get your mind clear and figure yourself out. He can give you the space you need and the support you need.

He isn't doing any of that. He's demanding that you be with him on _his_ terms. You have to submit to him keeping tabs on you 24/7. You have to travel to visit him, stay at his house, quit your job, move in with him.

That's bull crap. He doesn't love you. He wants to possess you.


It doesn't take courage to send him an email and explain that it's not working out and you don't want to hear from him anymore.

Yes, usually breaking up should be done in person. But if you're not strong enough to remain firm when he turns on the water-works, then it's best to make the clean break from a distance.

Just do it.

Get into counseling. You've got to start believing that you are worth more. You are. You deserve to be loved. 

Also - Do not, under any circumstances take your son to visit this loser. You have limited time with your son. Your son is in an extremely fragile state right now. It takes extra attention and extra love from you to reassure him that he matters to you, that he will be okay even though his parents have turned his world upside down. You need to focus on making sure your little boy KNOWS in his head and his heart, deep down, that mommy is not going to leave him for some man.

Seriously, think about your son. He needs you desperately right now and you're turning your back on him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are back in the honeymoon phase, which abusers use to lure you back in. Read the book. Use the chart below; if he isn't physically hurting you yet, he probably will - but for now just replace physical abuse with everything else he does to make you feel bad:

Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:

TENSION BUILDING -

Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase

Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase

Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.

Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
Cycle of Abuse


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Dtmfa


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> I have done NOTHING wrong since this -- and my BF (*now fiancé*) now continues to grab my phone out of my hand to see what I'm texting and who I'm texting. If there's a phone call from a number I don't know...he tells me to answer it in front of him. If I ask to go back to the town to visit my son (now 2.5 hours away)....he says he doesn't want me going with OUT him.
> 
> Well, now he's gotten to the point of calling and verifying I have gone places that I say I have. (which I have). He wanted locations services turned on -- on my phone -- all the time.
> 
> ...


Dump him unless you want to end up on Dateline: A murder mystery.

Seriously. This guy is a huge red flag waving in your face. This behavior is abusive, controlling and he sounds like a stalker.

Your son could have been extremely ill and died and he wanted you to TURN AROUND and only go with him?

This is giving you a taste of what marriage will be like - but worse. Because guess what - abusers get worse over time.

This is totally giving me this vibe:










Your gut feeling say you feel you are choosing right is SPOT on. Think about your son. Do you really want to raise him in a home/with a man who makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening crazyville2
Please please listen carefully: This is classic abuser behavior. 

Treat you terribly. Make it your fault. Swear to not let it happen again. Say that they love you and can't stand to lose you. Meanwhile take steps to separate you from your friends and family and to make you completely dependent on him. Monitor everything you do because YOU did something that means he can no longer trust you.

Soon he will hit you. He will apologize, but say that you drove him to it - then he will cry and say that he loves you. Then later he will hit you again.


You have got to realize: THIS IS NOT NORMAL. This is not what a loving relationship is like. You should fell safe, content, relaxed when you are with someone you love. Not nervous, fearful, worried you will say or do the wrong thing.


He is NOT a good guy at the core. He is a classic abuser. Things will only get worse if you stay. Give him back the ring - or sell it (I bet you will find it isn't a $30K ring at all BTW - not that it matters)







crazyville2 said:


> Yes -- I can SEE This but somehow I just can't seem to get the courage to end it.
> 
> He is being SO nice right now and starts to cry when talking about the possibility of losing me.
> 
> ...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> Hi there...here's my update. Thank you for your feedback -- I DO appreciate it.
> 
> I met him for dinner and he basically outlined all that I did wrong ...which was taking off and trying to go be with my son and not turning around to get him -- and then proceeding to lie about where I was after he started telling me that he was going to block me and lock up the house that I lived in with him.
> 
> ...


Please read the webpage at the below link:

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

You are caught in a cycle of abuse. What happened last night is called the 'Honeymoon Stage". He is sweet, professes love, says he'll never do it again. You apologize and take all the blame.

But rest assured that all those nice things he said were to just suck you in. It won't be long before he repeats the jealous emotional abuse.

You are in the 'infatuation' stage of love. That's the first 18 - 24 months of a love relationship. During this stage you think it's love.. but what it really is, is that your body is producing so much dopamine, oxytocin and other wonderful fell good chemicals that you are high as a kit. That's what "in love" is. It's nothing more than your brain chemistry tricking you into sticking around with him to form a permanent relationship. Your brain chemicals don't know that he's an abusive creep. But you know this. 

When pain you feel when you think about not being with him is withdrawal from the brain chemicals. When you have those thoughts, your brain shuts down all the feel good chemicals. You are basically reacting the same why a drug addict reacts when they cannot get their fix.

Then when you are with him again, see him, hear his voice, your brain starts pumping out those good chemicals again.

You have control over this. Just break up with him. You will have some emotional pain for a short while as your brain chemistry clams down. Then you will be on an even keel.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> Yes -- I can SEE This but somehow I just can't seem to get the courage to end it.
> 
> He is being SO nice right now and starts to cry when talking about the possibility of losing me.
> 
> ...


You keep taking about all the pain you feel when you try to leave him. 

There is something that I want you to think about for a few minutes... stop thinking about yourself just for a little while. Think about your son. That pain you feel... your son is feeling that same pain because he's basically lost his mother. You are inflicting that pain on your son. Just stay with that for a bit and think about it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Tell him no and watch the other side come roaring to life.


Read this again and again. he is nice only as long as you do what he wants. You surprised him by 'running away' but don't expect him to be surprised next time. Next time, he will punish you.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Well -- I am trying to see the evidence of abuse. Yes, he had a right to be suspicious of me because of the texts that he found - but I became extremely transparent.

The thing is -- the last time this all happened, I told him I had to go to an emergency hearing for my divorce. It was back in my son's home town. He was at work -- I told him that I wanted to go alone ...and he said no. So he got angry -- started calling my attorney asking for verification of what I was telling him..

Saying that he thought I was going to cheat on him with another man... and that is when this all really got out of control because I refused to turn on my location tracker since he got so weird.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you reading the material we're giving you? 


Stop arguing with us and just go read the stuff. It's free. Go read it.

LOVING men would NEVER take their woman away from her son.

Never.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> Well -- I am trying to see the evidence of abuse. Yes, he had a right to be suspicious of me because of the texts that he found - but I became extremely transparent.
> 
> The thing is -- the last time this all happened, I told him I had to go to an emergency hearing for my divorce. It was back in my son's home town. He was at work -- I told him that I wanted to go alone ...and he said no. So he got angry -- started calling my attorney asking for verification of what I was telling him..
> 
> Saying that he thought I was going to cheat on him with another man... and that is when this all really got out of control because I refused to turn on my location tracker since he got so weird.


The "got so weird" is your signal to *RUN* and never look back.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> Well -- I am trying to see the evidence of abuse.


Humiliating or embarrassing you.
Constant put-downs.
Hypercriticism.
Refusing to communicate.
Ignoring or excluding you.
Extramarital affairs.
Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
Unreasonable jealousy.
Extreme moodiness.
Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
Saying “I love you but…”
Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
Domination and control.
Withdrawal of affection.
Guilt trips.
Making everything your fault.
Isolating you from friends and family.
Using money to control.
Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> Well -- I am trying to see the evidence of abuse.


Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources? 

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle? 

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? 

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> Well -- I am trying to see the evidence of abuse.


Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again.

Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:

Using economic power to control you

Threatening to leave

Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions

Smashing things

Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming

Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously

Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you

Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public

Humiliating you in private or public

Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> Well -- I am trying to see the evidence of abuse.


Use these 21 subtle signs of emotional abuse to find out if you’ve been pushed to the wall by your spouse, your boyfriend or your girlfriend. And if you do see these signs, perhaps it’s now time to start pushing back.

#1 You’re scared. Your partner’s behavior scares you. You’re afraid to ask for things or tell them something because you just don’t know how they would react.

#2 Incessant lectures. Your partner constantly tells you how you’re so flawed and how you still need to improve in so many ways. But instead of trying to help you, they point your flaws out and behave like you’re a lost cause who can’t be helped because you’re too weak or dumb. [Read: The power of words and how it can make or break your relationship]



#3 Painful comparisons. Your partner constantly compares you, either with your more prettier or successful friends, and tells you how much better than you they are. Your partner may even be subtle and point out to celebrities and tell you how they’re so much more attractive than you.

#4 Constant confusions. Your partner yells at you often. But when you try to argue back or prove that you’re right, they may even get down on their knees or humiliate themselves just to apologize to you and win your affection back.

#5 You get blamed for no fault. Your partner blames you for no fault of yours. They blame you for your friend’s behavior, for the way the kids are, your friend’s divorce, or just about anything else. Sometimes, your partner may even hear about something on the television and yell at you because they’re pissed off!

#6 Possessive jealousy. Your partner always has something negative to say about your friends, especially if they’re of the opposite sex. Your partner hates it when you get phone calls from your friends and sometimes even asks you to hang up the phone. They just don’t like it when you have an active social life. [Read: 15 subtle and shocking signs of a controlling boyfriend]

#7 Your self esteem is crippled. Your partner constantly tells you how bad or worthless you are, and gets angry with you because you’re always relying on them. But even when you try to do something yourself, they tell you you’re not capable of making decisions and make you feel dumb all the time.

#8 Two faced personality. Your partner’s behavior and attitude confuses you. At times, they may be extremely loving and caring. And at other times, they’re really mean and hurtful. You just can’t predict how they’ll react to anything you do.

#9 The sadist inside. Your partner feels better about themselves when they point out your flaws or criticize you. They may be more jovial or happy on days when you’re overworking or stressed because of your own mistakes.

#10 The humiliation. Your partner humiliates you or makes nasty remarks, especially around your friends or people who admire you.

#11 Big demands. They set unreasonable expectations and make big demands from you, secretly hoping you’d fail so they can say ‘I told you so!’ [Read: 18 critical signs of an unhealthy relationship]

#12 Sexual manipulation. Your partner emotionally manipulates you into sexual activities you don’t like. They may even emotionally armtwist you by saying things like “Other girls/guys do it! Why can’t you?”

#13 Big confessions. Your partner shares their problems with everyone who listens. But if you confess any of your problems, especially about the relationship, to your friends or family, your partner would get very upset with you.

#14 Turning everyone against you. This is a sneaky trick that emotionally abusive partners use to gain advantage and leave you feeling helpless. Your partner may constantly crib about how difficult or dumb you are to everyone, including your friends, your family and even your kids. Your partner may even give biased examples just to convince everyone else and turn them against you so no one would take your side against theirs.

#15 The silent treatment. If you stand up for something or try to take control of the situation, your partner may walk away in a huff and give you the silent treatment. An emotionally abusive partner works on guilt, and they hate giving power away in a relationship. Your partner may just ignore you until you apologize for opposing their decision! [Read: How to perfect the silent treatment in a relationship]

#16 Physically abusive. Sometimes, your partner may resort to physical abuse like a slap, a painful pinch or even a threatening gesture just to scare you into submission when you oppose them for anything.

#17 You’re not allowed to think. Emotionally abusive lovers take pleasure in taking full control of the relationship. They’d manipulate you one step at a time until you lose all confidence in your judgment. You convince yourself that you are not capable of taking any decisions yourself, without your partner’s guidance. [Read: 25 memorable life lessons to perfect your life]

#18 Isolation and dependence. Initially, your partner may tell you they don’t like your friends or a particular family member. Soon, they may tell you to avoid that particular person. And before you realize it, your partner may carefully isolate you from everyone who was once close to you. And one fine day, you’d see that the only person you can go to for help or depend on is your partner.

#19 Emotional memories. Your partner constantly reminds you of all the times you’ve screwed up each time there’s an argument or a discussion. They constantly bring up your failures or the mistakes you’ve made in your life to reinforce the idea that you depend on your partner and can’t survive by yourself without their help and guidance in life. [Read: A guide to fighting fair in a relationship]

#20 Your achievements don’t matter. Your partner glorifies even the smallest of their achievements and proudly brags about it. But on the other hand, no matter what you achieve or do, your partner always mocks your achievements and makes you feel silly for celebrating it.

#21 Denial. Even when you point out their emotionally abusive ways, your partner doesn’t accept their emotionally abusive ways as a flaw. Instead, they convince themselves and try to convince you that they’re doing all this only to help you become a better person and stand on your own feet.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP - what the h*ll are you thinking? How can you bear to even think about being a part time mum? Do you know how lucky you are to have a child? I would give ANYTHING to have my own child. Anything.

I know you're being abused by your psycho fiancé - and that's what he is. How can you put him before your little 9 year old son? WHAT THE ACTUAL F?????

GET A GRIP!!!!

You have NO right to take that boy hours away from his father. Your son has the right to a relationship, and physical time spent with BOTH HIS PARENTS. 

If your psycho, abusive, controlling fiancé wants you, HE can move to YOU.

It's disgusting that you're even considering moving away from your son. I don't mean to be harsh but it is.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> I just feel like I want to run away with my fiancé and not face the consequences and I REALIZE that is just insane of me to even think...


I honestly don't mean this in a sarcastic way. But you REALLY need to step back and regroup. Very little of what you're posting makes much sense when it comes to your child.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJx-uGRsiNU


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

I am grateful for all of this feedback -- harsh honesty is critical, too.

Here's what I can say -- he does not put me down or insult me. He is very much my cheerleader. He tells me how good looking I am all the time...but he also tells me that's why he worries -- because he's so scared because men drool over me and that he thinks I could have any man in the world. He says that's why he's so insecure -- he feels he's not enough.

He is definitely jealous and insecure. Grabbing my phone and going through the phone numbers and then dialing the missed calls -- to see who they belong to...that' s obvious boundary crossing. But, I do see the initial incidents caused some of that. He did not go that nuts -- before he found my suspicious texts.

The day after he found those suspicious texts he was angry and told me that he was going to go back to his house and that if I wanted to spend the weekend with my son -- that was fine. 

So, I said okay -- I will do that. 

He then proceeded to tell me that he didn't want me to go into the bathroom alone without handing over my phone because he believed I was talking to someone else or making plans to be with my ex. He wanted me to leave the phone on the bed. Which I did.

He then started asking my son (when he arrived) what he planned to do with his mom and dad...he wanted to catch me in a lie....to see if I planned to meet up with my ex --along with my son. 

My son said that he wanted me and my ex to go bowling together and my BF flipped out and left...saying I was lying to him because my son clearly displayed that we were going to be getting together. In truth, it was my son WISHING -- but my BF couldn't understand that.

So you can see the drama --- there. And I can see there's some reasoning for it.

So symptoms of abuse.. He doesn't insult me. He doesn't cheat on me. He doesn't hide his phone or anything from me.

However, he is extremely controlling. He wants me to hand over my phone at any time and he watches my every move to see my overall demeanor. He says he can tell when "something is up" by my body language. And honestly -- he's right. I have been on my phone reading this board and when he walks into the room I will bounce off this page fast -- and he will say "what's wrong ...what are you doing over there...what are you reading?"

He tells me he loves me CONSTANTLY -- but when we argue -- he will tell me he thinks that I don't love him anymore and that he doesn't understand why he just can't be happy ...and that he can't have peace. 

He will say that he has stomach pain constantly -- that he's getting an ulcer -- because he's constantly worried that I'm going to leave him. I felt his heart rate in bed the other day ...and it was racing. He has clear anxiety over me leaving. 

We talked tonight -- it is clear that ALL of his controlling behavior is the result of his intense insecurity that I will leave him. He says he's just so scared that I will cheat on him or I will bolt out the door when he leaves for work. I have done that....I left him once and wrote an email -- and when he begged me back -- I returned and I told him that I loved him and wanted to stay. But, he says the fact that he didn't see that coming....has left him very scared that I will do that again.

One of the most recent fights we had -- he walked into the room and saw me on FB and a guy friend had messaged me and said "miss talking to you...why are you a woman of few words lately?" I had responded back saying "yes..I know, sorry. It's been very busy. Hope you have a great holiday." 

He flipped out and said that I should NEVER have responded to him and that I was acting inappropriately. I got SO angry that night because I knew I had done NOTHING wrong. That night ...was ugly. He was so mad -- I said I was packing and leaving and he said he would help me...and then he started telling me that I was a liar who couldn't be trusted -- that I was having feelings for this other guy -- that I obviously didn't love him. Etc. etc. He then spun off and accused me of being a cheater and then I found out that the had called and texted the guy I mentioned earlier that was involved in the inappropriate texting. He had asked him if we slept together. The guy said no -- that he never was more than anything but a flirtatious friend...but that guy told my BF that he thought that because I had a rough childhood -- that I should not be trusted. My BF went on and agreed in this text about this and then told the guy that he felt sorry for my son. They both said that I clearly was screwing him up.

I said WOW -- how could you communicate with this guy? He said that he wanted to become friends with him -so he could always check up on me to see if I contact him again. 

He doesn't like my Best friend who tells me constantly to get out of the relationship. My family has turned against me for this relationship too -- because they don't approve of my divorce. He says it's very hard to be with me -- because all of my close friends or family -- are against us. He didn't like my job -- even though it paid 200k -- because it was just too far way.... He has offered to move to my city -- but then last night he said he couldn't barely handle me going by myself to visit my son every other weekend...that he can't handle an absent wife. 

He also went through an envelope in my car and found a lease application for a house that I put through -- I was applying - just in case I didn't have the guts to quite my job and live with him. He just informed me the other day that he had found it and asked why I didn't tell him I had a "plan b".. 

So ....is that abuse?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> ...He is definitely jealous and insecure.
> 
> ...However, he is extremely controlling.
> 
> ...


Honestly OP, read your own words above. Why in the world do you want to be with someone who is so insecure?

This is a SICK, unhealthy relationship. And you obviously THRIVE on the drama of it all... you are flattered that he is a wreck when it comes to how much he needs you, how he can't live without you, how men drool over you, how you're destined to cheat on him. :wtf: 

You obviously have low self-esteem and you see this sick behavior as somehow validating. It probably has something to do with the unresolved issues surrounding your failed marriage (which you have not taken the time to heal from).

He's like a drug to you (you have already stated this.) To throw away a relationship with your son to hook up with this insecure pr*ck absolutely nauseates me.

My ex and I might have had a lousy marriage, but I was a DAMN good mother and put my kids before myself, always. For the sake of your innocent child, I hope your husband files for and receives full custody.

Keep the kid away from this destructive new relationship of yours.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry foolscotton, but this guy's behavior is way over the top. The first and foremost part of his behavior is that before he had any concerns about who she was talking to, he controlled her divorce; he told her to give her son to his father essentially telling her to abandon her son; then he moved her far enough away from her son to be sure that she had little contact with him. He also got her to quit her job, another way to isolate and control her.
> 
> That alone is a sign of a seriously controlling man. He's an abuse man. Encouraging anyone to say in an abusive situation is not a good idea at all.


I regret deleting my thread elegirl, you guys were right, I should have left it up, at least then OP could see what is in her future.


----------



## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

I'm just going to ask. What is WRONG with you? You don't seem to want help as much as validation for leaving your son for a man and relationship. Completely selfish IMHO.

Yes, he is abusive and controlling and your life will be a living he$$ if you marry him. But, what I find completely offensive is that in your last post all you are worried about is him and you and your relationship. *What about your 9 year old son?*

Please leave this man, stay with your son and get IC. Your son should come FIRST and yes even before you.

I agree with the other posters. I hope your ex gets full custody.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

The thing that I think has thrown my ex off so much -- is that I was the ultimate Mom -- before this. However, I have always been the breadwinner -- so over the past few years my ex stayed home with our son and I started to feel distance. 

I think now I see my ex as having this amazing relationship with my son -- that I feel like the odd person out.... And I feel very disconnected. 

I had thought about leaving my fiancé tomorrow morning. Telling him I'm going to pick up my son - and then sending him an email and telling him I can't come back. And using my son's presence to hold me strong -- 

I know the last time I picked up my son and told him that we were going to meet my fiancé and go to his house for the weekend -- he cried and kicked the car seat. When that happened -- I almost stopped everything. But, I thought -- well this kid has been brainwashed and once we get there -- he will be fine ...and he was. He had a great weekend with my fiancé and his kids.

HOWEVER -- during this time -- was when my fiancé started getting jealous because I was sleeping with my son in his room. (he's 9). And he said that he felt that I was cold toward him...and that ended in several fights. I told him that I wasn't having sex during that time -- because I was self conscous about the noise and the possibility my son would wake up.

He now says he totally understands and will honor that -- but I can tell you -- it cause major fight over the holidays.

My fiancé literally told me he felt I was disconnected from him last week -- because I didn't hold him very tight while I was sleeping ...like I normally do and that I am always clinging to him -- and since I was sleeping turned over -- I was obviously very cold to him.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ditto, I kicked my H out of the house for not being able to control his anger around me and our child. My child comes first, period. The ONLY way he was allowed back was he clearly demonstrated different behavior that no longer put us at risk. NO MAN is going to tell me I can't be around my child. I would tell him to go F*** himself. Sorry... this would not be someone that would be WORTHY enough to put a $33,000 ring on my finger. You keep your jewels buster, I'll keep my child. Thank you. bye bye

I just wouldn't play around OP. You are in a serious situation that is going to cost you more than you can ever realize. Your family and friends are upset for a reason. Cut this one lose, amend with your family, focus on your child and cut the crap. 

Was this guy an affair partner?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> the thing that i think has thrown my ex off so much -- is that i was the ultimate mom -- before this. However, i have always been the breadwinner -- so over the past few years my ex stayed home with our son and i started to feel distance.
> 
> I think now i see my ex as having this amazing relationship with my son -- that i feel like the odd person out.... And i feel very disconnected.
> 
> ...


do it!!


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

He wasn't an affair partner -- but he was my first real relationship -- post divorce.

And yes -- I see the signs -- I guess I'm just wondering how to end this. I ALMOST did it last night and he was fine about it. He said he would leave -- because he could see I didn't see him the way I used to....

And then He begged me to just give him one night together -- and that I could just see how things went -- and while we didn't have sex (we drove 3 hours to his house -- slept 4 hours...he went to work and then we drove 3 hours back to my work...)...I found myself bonded to him once again.

And now -- he is saying everything he needs to ...to make me feel good about things. 

I feel like I need someone to help me through this -- it's just not easy and I don't know why I can't get the strength. I picture him crying and sobbing (he does this) and last time he texted that he was "not well and felt like he was dying..."

Then he didn't respond to any texts or calls. I called 911! I was nervous -- he has high blood pressure. As it turned out -- he was fine. He was drunk and passed out. And when paramedics got there he asked if he could press charges against me and they said no after reading his text.

He then never called me to tell me he was okay. The next morning he yelled at me for calling 911 and not coming over personally.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

These things don't get better, they get worse. 

Once he has you isolated, your job gone for good, far from home and no money he will escalate. 
It will be hard to leave him, it could be dangerous.

Every abusive victim I have spoken to, including myself, wished they could go back to where you are right now and leave when the red flags appeared. They stayed because they let themselves justify it, they love him, he'll get better. As time goes by the ability to leave, both mentally and practically, gets smaller and smaller and the abuse gets worse and worse.

I think that leaving and e-mailing him is a good idea. I wouldn't typically recommend that but it makes sense in your situation
1. So you can stay strong and 
2. So you're safe. 

Once you do, block his number. Block him from any other contact too.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> I feel like I need someone to help me through this -- it's just not easy and I don't know why I can't get the strength. I picture him crying and sobbing (he does this) and last time he texted that he was "not well and felt like he was dying..."
> 
> Then he didn't respond to any texts or calls. I called 911! I was nervous -- he has high blood pressure. As it turned out -- he was fine. He was drunk and passed out. And when paramedics got there he asked if he could press charges against me and they said no after reading his text.
> 
> He then never called me to tell me he was okay. The next morning he yelled at me for calling 911 and not coming over personally.


It's just manipulation. You are not responsible for him or his behavior. 
You have good friends where your son lives? If you can't block his number right away, give your phone to a friend so they can delete everything. Tell them not to tell you any of it, just delete.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> And I know at the core he's a good guy


Sigh,

Out of all the posters her Crazy, I am going to be the last to judge you. I am going to be the last to judge him.

This is because I am you, when it comes to the parental struggles you are having, and I am him, when it comes to the trust issues you are dealing with.

I am not saying everything is the same, but I want, more than anything, to see you avoid the mistakes I made.

If you want to hold onto this guy, keep him. You know, if he were the OP, telling his side of the story, these other posters would be telling him to back off your divorce, but based on the information you gave, we would be telling him to VAR your car, steal your phone while you sleep and wondershare it. We would be telling him to call off the engagement, and pretty much do exactly what he has been doing regarding confrontation/validation. We would be telling him to believe nothing you say, and only half of what you do.

If he can't do the long distance relationship, then he can't do the close distance marriage.

You can have this guy, and your son, you can have both, but only if you do it on your terms, only if you control your life. Or you can do it on his terms, and eventually lose both your boys.

He is just a nice guy, "but nice guys are everything but nice."


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> He wasn't an affair partner -- but he was my first real relationship -- post divorce.
> 
> And yes -- I see the signs -- I guess I'm just wondering how to end this. I ALMOST did it last night and he was fine about it. ....
> 
> ...


He's pushing you off-balance. How much sleep have you gotten? He's not caring about you at all, just trying to keep you off balance and not SURE that you want to leave. 

How many people need to tell you? Your family has, your XH has, your son, your friends, and us bunch of internet strangers. Blind Freddy can see that this relationship is harming you. Get out before it causes more damage. 

So practical things, yes go get your son, talk to your friends, family get some support. They will help you. Do this onver the weekend, yes send him an email saying you won't be back. Then cut all ties as quickly as you can.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He was mad about the paramedics because his manipulation was to get you to show in person and when you didn't he was pissed. CLASSIC manipulation. GET OUT... this guy is bad news.

How old is he and has he been married before?


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

He's 47 --
He's been married twice now...

He is a surgeon -- his first marriage ended in 2002 --he had 2 kids.

He then married again -- it ended about a year and half ago -- he was married for 7 years.

The other thing I should say ...is I'm a news anchor and he will text me constantly -- even while I'm on the air. Expecting me to respond during the news --


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I can't believe that leaving your child is even a consideration for you. If you are going with that jerk you should give your husband full custody of your son.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> He was mad about the paramedics because his manipulation was to get you to show in person and when you didn't he was pissed. CLASSIC manipulation. GET OUT... this guy is bad news.
> 
> How old is he and has he been married before?


What... or he could have been embarrassed, she opened a door calling the paramedics, she enabled his anger in that moment....

What a guy can't isolate himself, drink himself to sleep, without it being manipulative... did he ask her to call 911? What he said to the meds, was him reclaiming his pride. Not manipulating her, she initiated contact, he ignored her, and she drove a ambulance to his door....

Give us a break, sometimes we want to crack a few dozen beers and forget about ****, without expecting the meds check up on us.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> What... or he could have been embarrassed, she opened a door calling the paramedics, she enabled his anger in that moment....
> 
> What a guy can't isolate himself, drink himself to sleep, without it being manipulative... did he ask her to call 911? What he said to the meds, was him reclaiming his pride. Not manipulating her, she initiated contact, he ignored her, and she drove a ambulance to his door....
> 
> Give us a break, sometimes we want to crack a few dozen beers and forget about ****, without expecting the meds check up on us.


It's classic manipulation. He expected her to come running and was upset that she called 911 instead. And he was the one who text her. 

_
and last time he texted that he was "not well and felt like he was dying..."

Then he didn't respond to any texts or calls._


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> What... or he could have been embarrassed, she opened a door calling the paramedics, she enabled his anger in that moment....
> 
> What a guy can't isolate himself, drink himself to sleep, without it being manipulative... did he ask her to call 911? What he said to the meds, was him reclaiming his pride. Not manipulating her, she initiated contact, he ignored her, and she drove a ambulance to his door....
> 
> Give us a break, sometimes we want to crack a few dozen beers and forget about ****, without expecting the meds check up on us.


That might be so in an isolated behavior without the other red flags, but in this case he is batting 1000 for bad news.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

Yeah -- I know he said he was just drunk etc...

But, he later told me that he was watching on his house cameras to see if I would pull up -- he was trying to get me to the house -- and it didn't work.

And yes -- he has cameras in his house -- that's how he saw that I left his house and took off the last time. 

That's in addition to this desire to have location services on our phones......I have now disabled it.....as has he. He seems to be okay.

The other thing that seemed to jump out to people -- is that while we were doing the long distance relationship -- he would drive 3 hours to see me after work --take me to dinner -- sleep at my place and then get up at 5 am and go to work -- 3 hours away. He did this at least 3 - 4 times a week -- and that doesn't include the weekends we'd spend together. He said it was because he just couldn't be away from me. But, It was pretty clear that he would often say he did this because he was so worried that I would go out -- and someone would hit on me etc. So, he has literally exhausted himself over the past 6 months -- trying to monitor me.

He did that yesterday -- left work at 2 -- drove 3 hours to me -- took me to dinner and then we drove back to his house --at 11:30pm. THen we left his work at 10:30 and drive back 3 hours....

This is how he's behaved -- always needs to be with me -- always.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The best thing you have done is break the silence on this situation..

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Talk Video | TED.com

His behavior is NOT normal and more importantly it is NOT love.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

By break the silence -- you mean come here to get opinions?

Yes -- that is true. I am using these posts to help me stay strong and understand what I'm seeing and/or feeling.

I mean I literally get scared in the morning because he will come to my side of the bed to get my phone and he will want to see who has texted me overnight. If my ex has said anything that even seems tolerable or cordial -- he thinks something is going on.

Tonight, he said he was worried I made a "back door deal" with my ex because he hasn't seen many texts from him. the reason he has been so quiet --is I've now learned to block his number when I'm around my Fiance ...

But, recently my fiancé went and checked the "block" list on my phone and found that I was doing this and flipped out...

I wish I could feel like I had nothing to worry about -- in my texts etc...but I am still friends with my ex. We have talked about how our attorneys are money hungry etc... and that we should try to mitigate any more $$$ by working together. My fiancé is not okay with that. He's also not okay with me visiting my son -- with my ex nearby.

my biggest problem is that I feel like I need to quit my job for sure -- and it's a 200k job. And I would need to see my son only every other weekend ...and that's very tough ....as a mom.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> Yeah -- I know he said he was just drunk etc...
> 
> But, he later told me that he was watching on his house cameras to see if I would pull up -- he was trying to get me to the house -- and it didn't work.
> 
> ...


Are you afraid to say no?

How far do you LET HIM cross your boundaries before saying NO. Most guys would walk all over a woman that let's them, as would most women.

Start saying "no," quit backpeddaling, assert yourself, and see if he, and your son, start respecting you.

Nobody will respect you, if you can't respect yourself. At the most, they will pity you, because you pity yourself.

That goes for your bf too, you pity him, because he is pityfull, or full of pity, and that's why you can't say no.

You start taking control, you do what you say you will, quit backpeddaling, and show you have integrity. Might I suggest, he knows you confide in your ex, so that relationship threatens him, and that is driving his jealousy...

So stop it. Start being a respectable woman, make the right choices, now, and start getting what you want out of life.

If something scares you, face the fear.

Fear is like a shadow.... its not material, it doesn't actually block you from getting what you want, it just blocks the light from seeing clearly what you want. Like a shadow, you can walk through the uncertain darkness, what you want is always there. Go get it, bring it to the light, so you can enjoy it.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

I guess I could tell him that I just need to stay here and keep working ..and be near my son. And if he wants to continue with me -- then great.

Or - is that a mistake? Should I just end it?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> I guess I could tell him that I just need to stay here and keep working ..and be near my son. And if he wants to continue with me -- then great.
> 
> Or - is that a mistake? Should I just end it?


Keep your job.

Stay close to your son.

End the relationship.

Breaking the silence with anyone, but especially friends and family who can help you get out.


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Wow I'd have though if you're on the air you'd turn your mobile off! I hope you do that now...


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Was this guy cheated on in his previous relationships? And now he thinks the way to prevent it from happening again is to basically keep a leash on you? He has no respect for you or your individuality, your needs, your obligations. He's treating you like some kind of pet who tends to get out of the yard when he's not looking.

Any time something goes wrong between you, he blames you for it. He waffles between threatening you and then pleading that he loves you. He's constantly trying to come between you and your son instead of treating you like a package deal and respecting your child. He monitors your whereabouts and your activities and you must ask him for permission to go see your own son. He made you quit your job and move away from your friends. He's making you financially dependent on him and isolating you from supports.

He's not insecure. He's a manipulative narcissist, and a relationship with him will end in heartbreak for you, probably while ruining your career and relationship with your son.

Check these links and see if anything resonates:

The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard - Esteemology
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 55 - Narcissism, Pathological Narcissism, The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the Narcissist, and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists and Psychopaths
How Do You Divorce a Narcissist? - ChumpLady.com


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Yep, keep your job, stay with your son. Break up with him. the more you write, the more controlling and manipulation you mention. He's been married twice, can I mention that in itself is a red flag? I'll bet his 2 exwives now swap horror stories about him. 

Yes, please leave him, sounds like you have a great life in your home town, a good job and close to your son. Don't give that up for this insecure manipulative man. He's SO not worth it. There are much nicer men out there who will respect you and treat you better than this one.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> I guess I could tell him that I just need to stay here and keep working ..and be near my son. And if he wants to continue with me -- then great.
> 
> Or - is that a mistake? Should I just end it?


Do what you need, if you aren't sure you want to end it with guy, at least get yourself into a safe place/state of mind to reflect and see clearly. If he wants to end it, their is your answer. Right now, though, you know what you want/need more than we do. Get what you need, take time and think more about more about this guy, your not sure, don't act like you are, but DO act on the things you are sure about.

It will be sooooo much easier to make those difficult decisions in life, when you control the outcomes.

But fear.... face it head on, and you will realise you control fear.... if you back down, fear controls you.

Fear is what stops us from getting what we want and need, but fear is just a shadow. If this guy leaves you, your free to start over, and find the guy that sees your relationship with your son as a blessing, and others (including your son) will see him as a blessing in your life. You will see him as a blessing in your life, as well as your sons life. Your boy will thank you for bringing another Man into his life, somebody he would want to model after.

If you think this guy can be that man, work on it, if he bails, he obviously isn't that man.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

crazyville2 said:


> He's 47 --
> He's been married twice now...
> 
> He is a surgeon -- his first marriage ended in 2002 --he had 2 kids.
> ...


Huh? What professional news anchor has her phone on while she's on air. I call foul.


----------



## crazyville2 (Jan 8, 2015)

The other thing that I was thinking just now...is about how badly he seemed to want me out of my job. I am a news anchor in a good city -- and I nearly lost my job for good -- I'm so glad I didn't really quit. I got it back -- but if I leave again -- it will be hard to get it back.

But, I think he dislked the attention I got because of my position. He doesn't chastise me but he said he was a little worried about me getting back on camera in his city -- because he knows that all kinds of millionares would try to lure me away...

In addition to that I have a huge following on FB and they are from a lot of men. He can not stand that -- because he seems them as a threat...even though I don't even know these "fans"

and last Monday I woke up to go to a job interview for an anchor job in his city. I had an early appointment at the salon to get my hair done. He woke up freaking out --accusing me of going to meet a man from my master mind group -- instead of going to get my hair done...he called the salon to verify my appointment and then went and waited at a starbucks near the location of my interview. I told him I had NO idea how long I would be there because it was an interview -- and he got frustrated with me and said I shouldn't be so vague -- because I should know how long these interviews will last. That's why he said he was suspcisou of me....


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> I guess I could tell him that I just need to stay here and keep working ..and be near my son. And if he wants to continue with me -- then great.
> 
> Or - is that a mistake? Should I just end it?


Any man who does not support the woman they love in her employment and her parenting is not good relationship material. If he's a decent man who wants to be with you for you, he'll understand your desire to work and live near your son, and work together with you to find a compromise. Otherwise, he's a jerk who only wants your for what you can do for him.

I'd just end it, but I don't have much tolerance for BS. If it makes you feel better though, wait to see what his reaction is to your announcement about not moving to his town.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

crazyville2 said:


> The other thing that I was thinking just now...is about how badly he seemed to want me out of my job. I am a news anchor in a good city -- and I nearly lost my job for good -- I'm so glad I didn't really quit. I got it back -- but if I leave again -- it will be hard to get it back.
> 
> But, I think he dislked the attention I got because of my position. He doesn't chastise me but he said he was a little worried about me getting back on camera in his city -- because he knows that all kinds of millionares would try to lure me away...
> 
> ...


So, you like your job, you need to be confident there, you have a reputation, I'm sure you face a lot of fear and uncertainty, and feel very accomplished when you get what you want.

Your not a fool crazy, I'm going to trust your judgment, he should be jealous, because everybody knows you can do better.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> The thing that I think has thrown my ex off so much -- is that I was the ultimate Mom -- before this. However, I have always been the breadwinner -- so over the past few years my ex stayed home with our son and I started to feel distance.
> 
> I think now I see my ex as having this amazing relationship with my son -- that I feel like the odd person out.... And I feel very disconnected.


You now have a chance to have your son 50% of the time. That means you have the time with your son, just you, to build a strong relationship with him. But you are throwing that away.



crazyville2 said:


> I had thought about leaving my fiancé tomorrow morning. Telling him I'm going to pick up my son - and then sending him an email and telling him I can't come back. And using my son's presence to hold me strong -- .


Good idea. 



crazyville2 said:


> I know the last time I picked up my son and told him that we were going to meet my fiancé and go to his house for the weekend -- he cried and kicked the car seat. When that happened -- I almost stopped everything. But, I thought -- well this kid has been brainwashed and once we get there -- he will be fine ...and he was. He had a great weekend with my fiancé and his kids.


Your son is a smart kid. He gets what your fiancé is like. Kids are very perceptive.



crazyville2 said:


> HOWEVER -- during this time -- was when my fiancé started getting jealous because I was sleeping with my son in his room. (he's 9). And he said that he felt that I was cold toward him...and that ended in several fights. I told him that I wasn't having sex during that time -- because I was self conscous about the noise and the possibility my son would wake up. .


How long was your son with you when this happened?



crazyville2 said:


> He now says he totally understands and will honor that -- but I can tell you -- it cause major fight over the holidays. .


This is because your fiancé is a controlling man. Being controlling to the extent that he is, is abusive.



crazyville2 said:


> My fiancé literally told me he felt I was disconnected from him last week -- because I didn't hold him very tight while I was sleeping ...like I normally do and that I am always clinging to him -- and since I was sleeping turned over -- I was obviously very cold to him.


This is because your fiancé is a controlling man. Being controlling to the extent that he is, is abusive.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> He wasn't an affair partner -- but he was my first real relationship -- post divorce.
> 
> And yes -- I see the signs -- I guess I'm just wondering how to end this. I ALMOST did it last night and he was fine about it. He said he would leave -- because he could see I didn't see him the way I used to....
> 
> ...


What that tells you is that it was all an act. He orchestrated this so that you would think something was wrong and you would come check on him. It's all drama.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

" I guess I could tell him...."

you guess you could? This is not news show, you do not have to smile all the time and ask your producer what to say next. It's your life at stake. how insecure in your own life are you? How much more self destructive can you get? Do you feel suffocated by him? Like he is taking oxygen away from you, making you give up everything that's important in your life, so you end up with noone else just him. You will give up everething, including your soul. What does he give up for you? Driving like crazy to meet you to the point of exhaustion is not proof of love, it's sick jealousy.
Put big girl pants on, get from under this spell. You need serious counseling to figure out priorities in your life and learn some self respect. And start thinking about your son.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> What... or he could have been embarrassed, she opened a door calling the paramedics, she enabled his anger in that moment....
> 
> What a guy can't isolate himself, drink himself to sleep, without it being manipulative... did he ask her to call 911? What he said to the meds, was him reclaiming his pride. Not manipulating her, she initiated contact, he ignored her, and she drove a ambulance to his door....
> 
> Give us a break, sometimes we want to crack a few dozen beers and forget about ****, without expecting the meds check up on us.


You missed the manipulative part. 



crazyville2 said:


> "not well and felt like he was dying..."


That is called suicide ideation. When a person starts talking about dying, the best thing to do is to call for help. But was he really thinking of dying? Or did he tell her that just to scare her?



crazyville2 said:


> He then never called me to tell me he was okay. *The next morning he yelled at me *for calling 911 and *not coming over personally.*


If he had not been manipulating her, he would not have yelled at her that he was upset that she did not come over personally.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

crazyville2 said:


> I guess I could tell him that I just need to stay here and keep working ..and be near my son. And if he wants to continue with me -- then great.
> 
> Or - is that a mistake? Should I just end it?


Yes that is a mistake. Do not continue a relationship with this man. He is abusive. The hell has only just started.

Note that he as gotten as far as working to isolate you. He did it well. You even quit a $200K a year job to be with a man you hardly know. He's gotten you a point of being so isolated that you have been willing to give up your child. 

End this relationship.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> Huh? What professional news anchor has her phone on while she's on air. I call foul.


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

The smartest people I see in this situation is your son and ex husband. 
You need counseling big time, especially if you think your bf loves you. He just wants you for a trophy wife nothing more.


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

You seem to enjoy the drama. You can end this. But you like it. You should never have started a new relationship 1 month after a divorce. Go get the therapy you should have been getting and focus on your son and yourself.

Your story reads like a very dramatic soap opera. Go find a simple, peaceful life without these men.


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Crazy,
Why doesn't it break your heart when your son asks for time alone.

For the past 15 months, every time I had my son, every day that I picked him up from his mother's he would ask that we go anywhere else but home...

What is wrong with us?

Its a toxic relationship, and we are sacrificing our children to feed the disease.

Don't sacrifice your needs for this man's wants. You can control this, I just started taking control of my life, and I can't even explain in words how secure I feel since joining this site.

The posters that are sticking with you, the ones that keep coming back. They helped me more than anybody to see. I am not the victim, my son is the victim to my bad choices, he suffers abandonment every time I am too scared to meet his needs.

What we are doing to our boys is torment, these young boys have hearts of clay, and as long as they love us we can make mold them with impressions on their hearts, but once they harden their hearts, all we can do is break them into pieces.

Take care of your sons heart, this other man seems already hardened.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Everyone has given you great advice. But you're in strong denial. You are cherry-picking and not seeing the full picture. Or maybe you do and choose not to see it. I think you like the status that his profession holds and you want to be the trophy wife. That's fine on your own, but your son is involved. And that is not ok.

Posters have given you a wealth of info. There's really nothing more to say. We're beating a dead horse at this point.


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

I have not seen you even MENTION your son in any of your recent posts. They've all been about your relationship with your fiance. To me, that clearly shows where your priorities lie. I hope your Ex gets full custody of this poor boy who is second-rate to his mother's controlling, abusive and extremely jealous fiance. Your son needs to stay away from that horrible man - and from you if you decide to stay with this a-hole.

If you had a daughter who was engaged to a man exactly like your fiance, what would your advice to her be?


----------



## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Yes said:


> I have not seen you even MENTION your son in any of your recent posts. They've all been about your relationship with your fiance. To me, that clearly shows where your priorities lie. I hope your Ex gets full custody of this poor boy who is second-rate to his mother's controlling, abusive and extremely jealous fiance. Your son needs to stay away from that horrible man - and from you if you decide to stay with this a-hole.
> 
> If you had a daughter who was engaged to a man exactly like your fiance, what would your advice to her be?


He (son) has been compartmentalized.


----------

