# Problems with adult daughter living at home



## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

Hi everyone...I'm blessed with several issues in my marriage however this one is the most pressing. I have been married 21 years to a man I began dating at 16. We have 19 & 15 year old daughters. I feel as though he gives me no respect or common courtesy. When I mention the issues we are having at home he either rolls his eyes or looks the other way.

Our 19 year old has always been opinionated and outspoken like myself. However since last summer she has become intolerable! We all (with the exception of her) get up starting at 4am so being out late in our house is not an option...HER dog barks with any movement in the house. She loves to complain that we are being unfair. We gave her respect during high school and now that same respect needs to be given to her sister (the school program they are/were in is quite rigorous. )

She likes to yell at myself & her younger sister if she doesn't like what is said. She has cornered me and not allowed me to walk away (I have a bad back so a physical altercation is not possible for me.)

She was in a car accident last year which began all of the issues...she has said things such as , "you'll drive me where I tell you. "

Lastly, we agreed to give each of our daughters safe & affordable first cars along with paying their car insurance until they graduate with two conditions. One being that they get good grades in the IB program & the other being that they have a part time job & save. Our oldest graduated with 5k and accrued 10k by 19. From 19 until now (9 months) she has gone through $4,500 & not saved anything additional. (If she had saved she would at least have close to 15k). She acquired her CNA license at 18 & has no bills with the exception of her car insurance & payment as she bought a new car. This is all while she is in college.

She has begun dating a boy who doesn't pay & she actually pays for him at times. He is racist as well. They went out to dinner on Valentine's Day & he paid only for himself & asked her for 1/2 of the dessert that was on his bill!!

My husband allows our oldest to emotionally abuse myself & our 15 year old. I'm at my wits end. I've threatened to leave..I kicked her out when she cornered me...I don't know what else to do. I do not want to charge her rent as in our state it establishes residency....which I do not want. Due to my back I am unable to work so it would be difficult to sustain myself & my daughter.

I would appreciate any advice. My husband is no help & this is affecting our marriage & our younger daughter's well-being. I understand that I cannot control what she spends her money on, but we allowed her to live in our home for free with the understanding that she saved.

I can't handle the way she speaks to me & treats our home as it is a trash can... I'm constantly cleaning up after her.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HurtinFl said:


> Hi everyone...I'm blessed with several issues in my marriage however this one is the most pressing. I have been married 21 years to a man I began dating at 16. We have 19 & 15 year old daughters. I feel as though he gives me no respect or common courtesy. When I mention the issues we are having at home he either rolls his eyes or looks the other way.
> Our 19 year old has always been opinionated and outspoken like myself. However since last summer she has become intolerable! We all (with the exception of her) get up starting at 4am so being out late in our house is not an option...HER dog barks with any movement in the house. She loves to complain that we are being unfair. We gave her respect during high school and now that same respect needs to be given to her sister (the school program they are/were in is quite rigorous. )
> She likes to yell at myself & her younger sister if she doesn't like what is said. She has cornered me and not allowed me to walk away (I have a bad back so a physical altercation is not possible for me.)
> She was in a car accident last year which began all of the issues...she has said things such as , "you'll drive me where I tell you. "
> ...


I'm sure by now it's clear to you where she got the abusive attitude since your husband treats you with no respect and he is one of her two main role models. Give her a year to get out of the house and out on her own. That gives her a chance to work two jobs and save some money. Otherwise you're just enabling her time she needs to learn to be an adult. As Dr Phil likes to say, a parent's job is to raise their child to be an adult, not perpetuate their childhood.

If your husband doesn't want to kick her out then tell him to get out and take her with him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

start charging her rent.
if it costs her to live there, then there is at least SOME incentive for her to get a job and move out to live with friends.

otherwise, i do not see any solution to your problem....you do not want her still living with you ten years from now, with her three dogs.....


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure by now it's clear to you where she got the abusive attitude since your husband treats you with no respect and he is one of her two main role models. Give her a year to get out of the house and out on her own. That gives her a chance to work two jobs and save some money. Otherwise you're just enabling her time she needs to learn to be an adult. As Dr Phil likes to say, appearance job is to. Raise an adult, not perpetuate their childhood.
> 
> If your husband doesn't want to kick her out then tell him to get out and take her with him.


Thank you for your response. I'm not sure where my daughter went. Unfortunately I believe it has to do with this pos kid she is dating...she literally changed overnight! She was an amazing student & daughter until then.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> start charging her rent.
> if it costs her to live there, then there is at least SOME incentive for her to get a job and move out to live with friends.
> 
> otherwise, i do not see any solution to your problem....you do not want her still living with you ten years from now, with her three dogs.....


Thank you for your response. She does have a full-time job but does not contribute. I told her that if she continued to save she could live at home with only her car expenses as long as she saved, worked, and went to school. Unfortunately she is not upholding her end of our agreement, so I will no longer honor mine.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HurtinFl said:


> Thank you for your response. She does have a full-time job but does not contribute. I told her that if she continued to save she could live at home with only her car expenses as long as she saved, worked, and went to school. Unfortunately she is not upholding her end of our agreement, so I will no longer honor mine.


You'd be better off getting her out of the house instead of having her pay rent since there's problems.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

She's 19, it's your house and if you want her out kick her out. It sounds like she needs a dose of reality. I can't tell if she's out now or not but if she is just don't let her come back. Pack up her things in boxes and put her stuff in a corner and tell her to come get it. 

Start looking for a job you could do from home.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Set ground rules. And stop picking up after her. 

It’s non of your business what she spends her money on personally. I find it weird you even know how much money she has. 

Stop trying to control her. All you can do, is make ground rules with your house like picking up after yourself. If she breaks them, then she can’t live there.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

Girl_power said:


> Set ground rules. And stop picking up after her.
> 
> It’s non of your business what she spends her money on personally. I find it weird you even know how much money she has.
> 
> Stop trying to control her. All you can do, is make ground rules with your house like picking up after yourself. If she breaks them, then she can’t live there.


Thank you for your response. We all run our homes differently...obviously yours varies from ours. I would respond to anyone's questions without judgment as how others function in their home as it is none of my business and not what I was asking. 
Of course I know how much money my daughter has....we made an agreement for her to live in our home for free as long as she continued to save. It absolutely is our business what she spends her money on while she does live in our home rent & worry free financially. She did not live up to her side of our agreement unlike her father & I.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> She's 19, it's your house and if you want her out kick her out. It sounds like she needs a dose of reality. I can't tell if she's out now or not but if she is just don't let her come back. Pack up her things in boxes and put her stuff in a corner and tell her to come get it.
> 
> Start looking for a job you could do from home.


Thank you for replying. I agree completely..my husband does not. He feels as though she should stay until she is finished with college. My opinion is that she causes turmoil in our home & needs to seek alternative living arrangements. I'm afraid seeing the circumstances will lead to yet another daughter acting like this or causing issues with the 2 girls...they already argue enough. 
Yes she is currently at home...I did tell her to leave back in January which caused issues between my husband & myself. He was not home when she had one of her fits & cornered me...unfortunately our youngest daughter witnessed this. 
I am disabled so I do have income...just not enough to take care of our younger daughter by myself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> She's 19, it's your house and if you want her out kick her out. It sounds like she needs a dose of reality. I can't tell if she's out now or not but if she is just don't let her come back. Pack up her things in boxes and put her stuff in a corner and tell her to come get it.
> 
> Start looking for a job you could do from home.


Yep. Literally anyone can get a job right now. It might just be making phone calls or something like that, but...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Well you can’t do anything without the support of your husband.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She's 19 and working full time. Tell her if she pulls that crap again, she WILL be out, and that it won't be tolerated.

You can also start charging her room and board, different to rent.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

HurtinFl said:


> Hi everyone...I'm blessed with several issues in my marriage however this one is the most pressing. I have been married 21 years to a man I began dating at 16. We have 19 & 15 year old daughters. I feel as though he gives me no respect or common courtesy. When I mention the issues we are having at home he either rolls his eyes or looks the other way.
> Our 19 year old has always been opinionated and outspoken like myself. However since last summer she has become intolerable! We all (with the exception of her) get up starting at 4am so being out late in our house is not an option...HER dog barks with any movement in the house. She loves to complain that we are being unfair. We gave her respect during high school and now that same respect needs to be given to her sister (the school program they are/were in is quite rigorous. )
> She likes to yell at myself & her younger sister if she doesn't like what is said. She has cornered me and not allowed me to walk away (I have a bad back so a physical altercation is not possible for me.)
> She was in a car accident last year which began all of the issues...she has said things such as , "you'll drive me where I tell you. "
> ...


Living with adult children can be difficult. It is sometimes hard to set the boundaries between treating them as a child and treating them as an adult...it can become blurry when living under the same roof. My advice would be to sit her down with your husband and make your boundaries and expectations crystal clear...sometimes this requires setting a moveout date or ultimatums or making a list..but it is better to avoid ultimatums as they can put them in a defense mode. I can relate with you about not having the support of your spouse and how it makes things much more difficult in these situations. Luckily for you..this is your daughter..my issue is with a 19 yr old SS that I have raised for almost 17 years..so I have many more limitations when trying to address these issues. Tell your daughter..this is your house and if she wants to live there then here are the standards she must meet..that includes NOT being disrespectful to you or anyone else. In a worse case scenario you could remind her she is an adult now and could very easily be arrested if she physically assaults you or anyone else. I have found that the only way my husband will side on me about that particular issue (disrespect) is when I point out that our other children are watching and learning from this behavior as well as how it is affecting them emotionally. You could also start recording her with an app on your phone and play it when you are speaking with her and your husband about her behavior. 
I have tried all this and then some and still gotten nowhere with my SS and husband...it is getting to the point where I am considering leaving with our 2 youngest children. My husband caters to his 19 year old and babies him and makes up excuses for his behavior repeatedly. It has put a terrible strain on our marriage and home life. I feel for you and hope you are abke to find a resolution soon...for I have not. Good Luck


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I have not had this experience myself as my oldest is 18 and about to graduate high school. However, I do like the poster’s above advice about having one more sit down and laying it all out crystal clear. I actually think it should be in writing …. 1) You may live here rent free and your responsibilities are to pay x,y&z 2) you are required to save X percentage of your take home pay 3) your anticipated future move out date is X 4) you must be respectful of all residents of this house hold 5) if you break any of these agreements (or decide you want to live differently) - you have 2 weeks to find a place of your own at your own expense. No exceptions. No arguments.
I don’t think there is any room for wishy washiness on this. If she wants to do what she wants and answer to no one, then she needs to be out on her own.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> She's 19 and working full time. Tell her if she pulls that crap again, she WILL be out, and that it won't be tolerated.
> 
> You can also start charging her room and board, different to rent.


In Florida if you charge anything that is considered to be rent it establishes tenancy and if she were to cause issues again I would have to go through the eviction process. I've decided to tell her she will be paying 1/4 of the utilities & groceries.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> Living with adult children can be difficult. It is sometimes hard to set the boundaries between treating them as a child and treating them as an adult...it can become blurry when living under the same roof. My advice would be to sit her down with your husband and make your boundaries and expectations crystal clear...sometimes this requires setting a moveout date or ultimatums or making a list..but it is better to avoid ultimatums as they can put them in a defense mode. I can relate with you about not having the support of your spouse and how it makes things much more difficult in these situations. Luckily for you..this is your daughter..my issue is with a 19 yr old SS that I have raised for almost 17 years..so I have many more limitations when trying to address these issues. Tell your daughter..this is your house and if she wants to live there then here are the standards she must meet..that includes NOT being disrespectful to you or anyone else. In a worse case scenario you could remind her she is an adult now and could very easily be arrested if she physically assaults you or anyone else. I have found that the only way my husband will side on me about that particular issue (disrespect) is when I point out that our other children are watching and learning from this behavior as well as how it is affecting them emotionally. You could also start recording her with an app on your phone and play it when you are speaking with her and your husband about her behavior.
> I have tried all this and then some and still gotten nowhere with my SS and husband...it is getting to the point where I am considering leaving with our 2 youngest children. My husband caters to his 19 year old and babies him and makes up excuses for his behavior repeatedly. It has put a terrible strain on our marriage and home life. I feel for you and hope you are abke to find a resolution soon...for I have not. Good Luck


I'm sorry you are having similar issues. I feel stuck. I believe the issue starts with my husband. He needs to be the one to tell this kid enough or you are out.
I too am considering divorce. I'm not going to continue to be married to someone who puts his adult child (well ours) before me. It was different when they were kids, this is ridiculous now.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yep. Literally anyone can get a job right now. It might just be making phone calls or something like that, but...


if you can not get a well paying job today in the USA, you are not even lifting a finger to do so. People are BEGGING you to apply.

my how things have changed from the '70's


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

HurtinFl said:


> In Florida if you charge anything that is considered to be rent it establishes tenancy and if she were to cause issues again I would have to go through the eviction process. I've decided to tell her she will be paying 1/4 of the utilities & groceries.


I think that is a good start..with my 19 SS I started by having him pay his car insurance and cell phone. I also told him that he needs to help buy his snack type groceries..but unfortunately his dad overruled me and told him that he didnt have to. So I now just label snacks with my name or the other kids names and let him know he can't eat those or he will have to replace them. It makes it exceedingly difficult when one parent is trying to promote independence while the other is enabling co dependency..and frustrating to say the least.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

HurtinFl said:


> In Florida if you charge anything that is considered to be rent it establishes tenancy and if she were to cause issues again I would have to go through the eviction process. I've decided to tell her she will be paying 1/4 of the utilities & groceries.


A few other things she could be required to buy..if not already, is laundry supplies, bathing supplies, internet and cable costs if she uses them, if not included in utilities already..and anything else she may be using that you haven't already accounted for. Hopefully your husband backs you on these things.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Girl_power said:



It’s non of your business what she spends her money on personally. I find it weird you even know how much money she has.

Stop trying to control her. All you can do, is make ground rules with your house like picking up after yourself. If she breaks them, then she can’t live there.

Click to expand...

*This advice _*might*_ work if someone's kid isn't ungrateful, rude, nasty, abusive towards her mother, and horrifically disrespectful.

Unfortunately, this doesn't apply to the OP as her kid is *all of this* and more.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

The Narcissist's Wife said:


> I think that is a good start..with my 19 SS I started by having him pay his car insurance and cell phone. I also told him that he needs to help buy his snack type groceries..but unfortunately his dad overruled me and told him that he didnt have to. So I now just label snacks with my name or the other kids names and let him know he can't eat those or he will have to replace them. It makes it exceedingly difficult when one parent is trying to promote independence while the other is enabling co dependency..and frustrating to say the least.


I am not a big eater but when I want something I bought I want it. Others are so rude I have to literally put drinks & snacks in their "section " so if I do wait until the end of the week my things are sometimes there...you are lucky if your SS actually replaces them!!

My goal in life was to raise respectful & self sufficient daughters...up until last summer my daughter did what we asked and what we agreed upon when she turned 18. As soon as this pos boy came in the picture my daughter became someone I no longer know. I'm all for her growing up & becoming an adult...while making somewhat good choices. She may need surgery on her knee, but is insistent on walking around Disney. Then complains she can't work through her shift...she doesn't want to pay for the MRI, but wants to spend the money to go. Ordinarily I would be the first one to pay for whatever my daughter needs even though she is just shy of her 20th birthday. However when she blows through $800 every 2 weeks with nothing to show , I can't...I know I'm not helping her by bailing her out anymore.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

HurtinFl said:


> I know I'm not helping her by bailing her out anymore.


And yet you keep doing it. So why are you here?


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This advice _*might*_ work if someone's kid isn't ungrateful, rude, nasty, abusive towards her mother, and horrifically disrespectful.
> 
> Unfortunately, this doesn't apply to the OP as her kid is *all of this* and more.


Thank you!


Diceplayer said:


> And yet you keep doing it. So why are you here?


I'm not. We give her a home to live in. I mentioned that I would if she would have continued to do the right thing.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

I truly appreciate all of your responses. I've asked here & also spoken to an older couple that had 3 "adults" in their home as they attended college. Each of them graduated college with over 20k. My husband & I decided to take their advice...to ask our daughter to either allow us to lock up her money to help her save or she would need to pay 1/4 of the bills to live in our home. Surprisingly she AGREED!! Beginning with her next check she will pay either her car insurance or payment (the other with the next paycheck) keep a designated amount for gas & the other for spending on whatever. Doing the math she will save approximately $1,000 a month! Which means that our daughter was blowing that money every month. She was also told should she decide to have an outburst & treat someone wrong she will be told to leave. I'm praying this resolves some of the issues in our home & we can begin to rebuild our relationship. 
I'm sure my next post with be about my marriage. 🤣


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Good!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell her to move out. YOU are responsible for allowing her to disrespect you.

We train people how to treat us - you have trained her to mistreat you.

When she moves and pays her own way… she may appreciate you more. In the meantime - stop being afraid of her!!!

It’s not your H job to fix this - it’s yours.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> Tell her to move out. YOU are responsible for allowing her to disrespect you.
> 
> We train people how to treat us - you have trained her to mistreat you.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your reply. I do not feel as though it is not just my responsibility to fix problems in our home...last I checked our marriage & raising our children was a team effort. 
I'm not afraid of my daughter, I'm afraid for her future should she continue down this path...so I'm doing what I think is best to help her learn & grow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HurtinFl said:


> I appreciate your reply. I do not feel as though it is not just my responsibility to fix problems in our home...last I checked our marriage & raising our children was a team effort.
> I'm not afraid of my daughter, I'm afraid for her future should she continue down this path...so I'm doing what I think is best to help her learn & grow.


Babies are so cut and cuddly so that we will take care of them, they can't survive without us.
Teens are obnoxious and a pain in the rump so that we kick them out. If we don't they will stay and become dependent 30 year old's living in the basement.

You are doing the right thing drawing a line with her. If she is ever threatening to you again, she has to go. You have to draw a line at that. There are some good books on how to create boundaries and how to enforce them. Boundaries are not about stopping the other person's behavior, they are about letting the other person know what you will not put up with and how you will react if they break your boundaries. You need to have very strong boundaries against any physical threats.

It would be a shame for your marriage to break up over this. It also sounds like it might be a good time for a restructuring of your relationship with your husband. You would probably benefit from getting into counseling with your husband so that the two of you can work on how to work together coparenting.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

HurtinFl said:


> I am not a big eater but when I want something I bought I want it. Others are so rude I have to literally put drinks & snacks in their "section " so if I do wait until the end of the week my things are sometimes there...you are lucky if your SS actually replaces them!!
> 
> My goal in life was to raise respectful & self sufficient daughters...up until last summer my daughter did what we asked and what we agreed upon when she turned 18. As soon as this pos boy came in the picture my daughter became someone I no longer know. I'm all for her growing up & becoming an adult...while making somewhat good choices. She may need surgery on her knee, but is insistent on walking around Disney. Then complains she can't work through her shift...she doesn't want to pay for the MRI, but wants to spend the money to go. Ordinarily I would be the first one to pay for whatever my daughter needs even though she is just shy of her 20th birthday. However when she blows through $800 every 2 weeks with nothing to show , I can't...I know I'm not helping her by bailing her out anymore.


LOL..SS has yet to replace anything..but even so I will continue to significantly reduce my grocery hauls AND label items I don't want him to eat. Its okay to sympathize with her about her knee..when you are listening to her "complain" just be sure to kindly point out that she could have very easily had an MRI done by now had she made it a priority over other things... "I'm sorry hunny, I know you are in pain and that makes it hard to get through your shift..hopefully in the future you can save a little better and make it a priority to get better.."


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

HurtinFl said:


> I'm sorry you are having similar issues. I feel stuck. I believe the issue starts with my husband. He needs to be the one to tell this kid enough or you are out.
> I too am considering divorce. I'm not going to continue to be married to someone who puts his adult child (well ours) before me. It was different when they were kids, this is ridiculous now.


I completely agree with you. You would be shocked and disgusted if you knew the things Ive been put through in order to keep my SS kids happy...it shames me to even think I allowed myself to be disrespected for so many years. But as you said...they are now adults..and enough is enough! This was supposed to be the light at the end of my tunnel through hell...but now the tunnel just keeps going. My husband enjoys making me feel like a terrible mother anytime I address or confront the issues with adult SS...it is making me into a person I am not. And as people stated on my post..this is my life too..as it is yours. We mothers forget and lose our identities for so long it feels normal after a while...but there is supposed to be some reprieve after devoting our lives to raising children..and dealing with these kinds of problems with adult children takes that from us.


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