# I thought we were doing good, but...



## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

My husband suddenly tells me he is not happy with our marriage, and if things don't change he can't deal with it. It seems that things like having a messy house and my lack of care for my appearance (I've NEVER liked wearing makeup) as well as a few other similar things make him feel like I'm not putting effort into the relationship. He also mentioned not feeling considered, listened to, or respected when it comes to certain choices regarding raising our little baby. Those things are obviously relational and I can work on them. But the other stuff - how much do I change about myself just because he isn't happy with it? He comes home from working very hard every day, looks around the room, shakes his head and sighs. That is not very motivational. He hates clutter. I hate dirty socks living under his desk for a month at a time, but guess what - I've learned to live with it. He's saying these are things he NEEDS, and I've learned to be wary of judging someone elses needs. For example, men's needs are things women don't really believe at first, and visa versa. But really? Do I learn to clean HIS way just to save our marriage? And more importantly - will that really save it? I am an absent minded woman, so I don't see actually succeeding at this every day for decades on end without a daily checklist. And if I'm following a daily checklist just to make sure he doesn't leave me, I will be resentful.

This has happened before, and was centered more around my appearance. The first time, I realized I hadn't known how important these things were to him, and promised to make an effort. To him, making an effort is either "do it, or don't". To me, it's knowing what's important to him and deviating from my normal routine on occasion in order to show him I love him. Again - how much do I change about myself to make him happy?

One other thing that keeps coming up is that I am weak. I get overwhelmed by a messy house, so I am weak. I consider all the options and discuss them, but don't really care either way, so I let him decide, so I'm weak. I get emotional and cry and vent and talk and it makes me feel better... what would I do without him? The same thing, but without him. That's just how I work through things and now he's a part of it - but it makes him think I'm weak. He feels like he has to coddle me and "be my father". He grew up around really strong women. I have always been a weaker personality - but not a weak person. How can I make him see this?

How can I show him I love him without compromising who I am? If I try to please him, will he EVER be satisfied?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

How old are you? Do you have small children at home? Do you work outside the home?


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## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

I'm 28, we have one baby whom I stay home with. My husband is 4 years younger than me and works very hard at a sucky underpaid job. Now that the kiddo is a bit older I'm looking for part-time work until we get out of our financial hardship. I left a very good job and we moved because we both didn't want to put our child in daycare. I'm also more educated than him (he has plenty of intelligence but lacked the same opportunities). He thinks he has more life experience than I do, though, which I disagree with.


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## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

We've been married for almost 3 years.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you two ever talked about marriage counseling?

I've got to admit... I would have little respect for someone who was regularly break into tears for mundane things. As far as your appearance, what was he referring to? I guess what I'm getting at is, did he have valid comments? Even if he hadn't raised them before? While it's likely unfair how he dropped them on you like this, it's still worth considering his input. 

Should you have to change to meet his "needs"? We all need to compromise in relationships. My SO suggested I color my hair. I can chose to take offense at this, or I can say "hmmm... If she thinks it might look good on me, and I like her to like my appearance, so ok". She also suggested I shave my junk (forgive the tmi) early in the relationship. Again, I could have taken offense, or I can chose to incorporate her feelings into my daily routine. Because I care for her and the way she feels about my appearance, I'm fine with spending a few more minutes in the shower. 

Some random thoughts... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

We actually did just start marriage counceling. 

He wants me to wear makeup more often, shower more often, and wear nicer clothes. And work out. I've dyed my hair, I wear makeup more often (but inconsistently), I dress nicer, I had been showering more often until after the kid was born (please no judging, I literally don't sweat, and my skin dries up and itches if I shower too much and I'm allergic to most lotions). I've also kept some of my parts shaved that I don't prefer to until recently (I've had enough of the razor burn for a while so I'm taking a break - at least until we can afford nicer razors).To put this into perspective, he married someone who was not comfortable wearing anything except jeans and t-shirts until I went to college. And I NEVER wore makeup, except for my graduation pictures which he saw on facebook when we were dating and expected to see regularly (even though I don't think he ever saw any on me while we were dating!). And I'm definitely not fat. But since he's been losing some weight, he's dissatisfied with me now. I feel like I've already changed a lot for him and that he'll never be satisfied. I wouldn't mind working on some of these things to make him happy - but I DO mind being criticized if I don't, and not being appreciated for just spending money on dying my hair and getting it cut short.

Also, I do not cry over every mundane thing. I do get weepy instead of angry when I'm PMSing. I used to get weepy slightly more often than that instead of angry in response to things - but generally not things that didn't deserve an an emotional response at all, and I don't really do that much anymore. PBear - would you have more respect for someone with a temper? We all have emotions to deal with. I deal with mine.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

You sound very defensive and as though you are looking for people to tell you that you are in the right and shouldn't have to change a thing. 

I would also be annoyed if I were your H and you did not shower daily. It seems like you have convinced yourself that you don't need to shower daily, sharing that you don't sweat and your skin gets too dry if you shower to often, but your husband sees an issue with this. You don't sounds invested in being as fresh as you can be and I say this as someone who knows that there are people who indeed cannot shower daily due to allergies. And side note...most people with bad body odor do not realize that they smell because they are used to their own scent. You might try asking your husband what the difference is between you showering and not showering...and not getting weepy when he tells you the answer.

I just hear a lot of defensiveness coming off of your post. Being a stay at home mom is rough but you don't want to keep the house in good condition, shower regularly or do your makeup. It is hard to keep up with a baby but let's not exaggerate how difficult it is so that there can be an excuse for a messy house and an unkempt body.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Well actually, how old is your little one OP? In the first months it is definitely hard to keep on top of things so if your little one is very young I understand not being able to keep up with the cleanliness of the house and your appearance.

Also, does your H help with the baby?


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

He sounds to be very controlling, i don't like and would not want my spouse telling me to shave my private area, or dye my hair, or dress better..
if you want to wear jeans and a tee-shirt around the house, that should be your choice..

but i agree with keeping clean..I will shower 3 times a day if its hot , if not i shower everyday...and keeping the house in order with-in reason.. 

it does not have to be spot-less and never will with a child... Your Husband should maybe focus on himself more, i am sure he could improve also.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I don't think your H is being that unreasonable. Coming home to a pig stye and a wife with 3 days of fart dust in her drawers would kinda put my fire out as well.

Do you at least bathe your child once a day and keep it in clean diapers?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, maybe your H can compromise a little and so can you.

Maybe he can take the baby on a stroll or in the back yard when he gets home from work, so you can pick up the living room. 

And while he's giving the baby a night time bath, you can also clean up. If you can't take showers, try a sponge bath. Where there's a will, there's a way to be clean and nice smelling.

Maybe he can ask a friend to baby sit, so the two of you can go on a date. Then you can dress up and put make-up on.

Yes, BOTH of you will need checklists, and assigned tasks, especially if you go back to work. Running a household and raising a child requires lists and _both _people contributing in whatever way they can to keep things running smoothly.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

alaskanrose said:


> My husband suddenly tells me he is not happy with our marriage, and if things don't change he can't deal with it. It seems that things like having a messy house and my lack of care for my appearance (I've NEVER liked wearing makeup) as well as a few other similar things make him feel like I'm not putting effort into the relationship. He also mentioned not feeling considered, listened to, or respected when it comes to certain choices regarding raising our little baby. Those things are obviously relational and I can work on them. But the other stuff - how much do I change about myself just because he isn't happy with it? He comes home from working very hard every day, looks around the room, shakes his head and sighs. That is not very motivational. He hates clutter. I hate dirty socks living under his desk for a month at a time, but guess what - I've learned to live with it. He's saying these are things he NEEDS, and I've learned to be wary of judging someone elses needs. For example, men's needs are things women don't really believe at first, and visa versa. But really? Do I learn to clean HIS way just to save our marriage? And more importantly - will that really save it? I am an absent minded woman, so I don't see actually succeeding at this every day for decades on end without a daily checklist. And if I'm following a daily checklist just to make sure he doesn't leave me, I will be resentful.
> 
> This has happened before, and was centered more around my appearance. The first time, I realized I hadn't known how important these things were to him, and promised to make an effort. To him, making an effort is either "do it, or don't". To me, it's knowing what's important to him and deviating from my normal routine on occasion in order to show him I love him. Again - how much do I change about myself to make him happy?
> 
> ...


Is he affectionate to you?

How is your sex life?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I'm a little confused, OP. Since when have you been having these problems and he has been upset? Have you just completely changed since having a baby? Why the problems now?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think it would help if you looked at each of the things he is asking separately.

Daily shower. How does he know if you shower daily? Does he ask you? Or can he tell because you look like you have not showered, have body odor, etc.? 

I would not like to be with someone who did not shower daily. I get his request on this.

You say that you have dry skin and so you don't like to shower. I have issues like this as well. I also do not like most commercial skin care products. So I use more natural things.

For example for a skin scub I use a lemon and sugar. Cut the lemon in half, dip it in sugar and scrub down (wet yourself first). You can add apricot, coconut or olive oil to this is you like. This is a great way to get good skin. 

You can also do the above with sea salt in place of sugar.

When I take a bath I use things like apricot, coconut and olive oil. 

Dry skin is not a valid excuse for not showering/bathing daily as there are plenty of solution.

Surely being clean and fresh daily is not "changing yourself" too much.


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

It can be very hard for the working spouse to come home and see the at-home spouse appearing to not be putting in effort. You are very lucky to be married to a man who cares so much about his child that he will support you so you can care for the baby. In return, you really need to be grateful for what he sacrifices to do this. I am sure he has friends with hot cars, motorcycles and vacations. He is giving that up, and taken on the stress of sole provider for the family. He is trying to get you to pull the same load he feels he is pulling. He can't control you, but you should step up and do it- your own way.

My advice? Don't wear makeup and dress up everyday if it's not your thing, but do shower. You can get in for 3 mins. Get a soap like dove sensitive skin and only wash the pits and the privates - unless other parts are visibly dirty. This works for most skin issues. You should try to get a babysitter on a weekend night, and dress up with makeup, hair done and all. Nice underwear too. I am not a fancy girl either and I found that one night a week like this was enough if it was done right. 

Figure out a schedule for yourself to keep the house clean. Don't do it his way, do it your way- but do it! If his expectations are off the wall, give yourself the satisfaction of knowing it is clean to a reasonable persons standard. You can also ask for him to take the baby so you can get some work done. If some alone time is one of your needs, make sure he knows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

code20 said:


> It can be very hard for the working spouse to come home and see the at-home spouse appearing to not be putting in effort. You are very lucky to be married to a man who cares so much about his child that he will support you so you can care for the baby. In return, you really need to be grateful for what he sacrifices to do this. I am sure he has friends with hot cars, motorcycles and vacations. He is giving that up, and taken on the stress of sole provider for the family. He is trying to get you to pull the same load he feels he is pulling. He can't control you, but you should step up and do it- your own way.
> 
> My advice? Don't wear makeup and dress up everyday if it's not your thing, but do shower. You can get in for 3 mins. Get a soap like dove sensitive skin and only wash the pits and the privates - unless other parts are visibly dirty. This works for most skin issues. You should try to get a babysitter on a weekend night, and dress up with makeup, hair done and all. Nice underwear too. I am not a fancy girl either and I found that one night a week like this was enough if it was done right.
> 
> ...


^ That. My wife works 3 12 hour shifts a week, and is so exhausted on the days between that she doesn't really do housework (though she is the one imposing the high standard of cleanliness in the house). This irritates me - but I have to give her the benefit of the doubt since I cannot definitively know how fatigued she may be. But she really needs to stop the public pity party (oh man 12 hour shifts? that must be so rough!). When I come home I have to cook and clean and do laundry, because she occasionally does, doesn't at all and doesn't at all, respectively. That is very tough to view in a positive light on a regular basis.

More importantly, all of these issues can be diluted by you being happy and confident. How do you feel about your appearance? If you knew nothing of his appearance gripes, do you feel sexy yourself? Smart men should understand a woman (or man for that matter) needs to have the freedom to appear in a way that they believe to be the best for them, because that will give them the best attitude and confidence. Once that is established, small deviations can be made to appease the partner, but they need to start in a place of self confidence.

Is it an issue of not liking the nature of his gripes? Did you let him destroy your self confidence? Was it there in the first place?

Forgive me for being direct but these are crucial things to ponder.


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