# Not sure what to do, family doesn't approve of my reconciliation with husband.



## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

Hi all! I am reaching out because I really don't know what to do. To make a very long story short, my husband and I have been in a very hot and cold relationship for 10 yrs, married 4 of those, my family has never really cared for him, because they don't think he is good for me. He has changed a lot in the 10 yrs, quit drinking and settled down into domestic life. We split up in September of last year and he moved out and I filed for divorce, as we just couldn't get along and were constantly fighting, and there were a lot of trust issues and a lot of things going on, I asked him to do counseling and he would not do it, however we still talked and were sleeping together and then I found out he was sleeping with several other women in December and he started drinking and going back out to the bars and just being stupid. My family of course was very supportive of this and helped me in any way they were able. Well fast forward to a few weeks ago, and we started talking again and he came to me and said he wanted his family back and he would do whatever it took to make it work, counseling, anything. So I have decided to give it a go, because I love him. I held off telling my family about it because of the judgement, but I eventually went ahead and did so the past few days, and it's been very stressful to say the least, my mom said she will have nothing to do with him ever and he is not welcome in her home...then my sister whom I am very close with also feels the same, and is actually coming up to visit me next weekend and asked that I ask him to stay away from here for the days that she is visiting, as she didn't buy her ticket or spend the money on it to have him around and in her face. I am pulled as to what to do in this situation, because when we sat down and talked about making it work, we both said we were going to give 100%, and try to make this work. I just don't think it's fair to ask him to stay away, while she is visiting, and she takes it as I am choosing someone that has hurt me over her who has been here for me. I was hoping to get some outside perspective? Thanks in advance.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@partlysunny78 ,

Look at it from your family's point of view: if your daughter came to you and said, "Mom, this man is doing X, Y, Z to hurt me and I've decided to leave him"...and you spoke to other siblings and extended family, and together you'all decided to support her and spend some of your money on her to make sure she was okay...and then she said, "Well, nothing has really changed and he hasn't actually DONE anything but make a lot of promises, but we're getting back together"... how would you feel? Would you be all supportive of the man who hurt and abused your daughter/sister? Would you feel like you were taken for a ride? Would you feel like you put up all your time and money to support your child, and since she turned around and went back to this guy who was hurting her, you're out of it? 

Honestly, if it were me, and you were my daughter, instead of saying it all threatening, I'd say "Look he did all these ACTIONS that hurt you: drinking, sleeping with other women, stupid choices...and if he really does want his family back, it's going to take ACTIONS to prove he means it! So give him 6 months, living on his own, to prove to you how he's going to ACT and BE different. Then watch him. Does he go to the counselor on his own? Does he go to AA or some sobriety group on his own? Does he act more kindly toward you during those 6 months, or pressure you to "get over it"? Does he treat you with respect and interest during those 6 months, or blow you off and act selfish?" In real life, though, your family has a good point--they're just saying it in a very cranky way. He hasn't done ONE THING to show you he is a safe partner, and they aren't going to be there to "pick up the pieces" again when you crash and burn again.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You already have outside perspective.... your mom and sister. As much as you don’t want to believe it they are probably exactly right. Your too involved to be objective.... he is probably (and sounds like) a bar bum. Your going to get a repeat of the past. At least you have time (your life) to waste ....... apparently


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can't help agreeing with your family. Several affairs, drinking too much, acting like a single guy, leaving you and wanting a divorce, on and on. I don't know how you can trust him at this point.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

partlysunny78 said:


> He has changed a lot in the 10 yrs, quit drinking and settled down into domestic life.





partlysunny78 said:


> We split up in September of last year and he moved out and I filed for divorce, as we just couldn't get along and were constantly fighting, and there were a lot of trust issues and a lot of things going on, I asked him to do counseling and he would not do it, however we still talked and were sleeping together and then I found out he was sleeping with several other women in December and he started drinking and going back out to the bars and just being stupid.


^^THIS.^^ Sounds like "a lot" of the changes he made didn't stick. Sorry I don't agree with your assessment that your husband hanging in bars and screwing other women is "stupid." I consider it downright lethal and a deal-breaker for a marriage. He had MULTIPLE affairs. And my guess is this is just the tip of the iceberg. Hey, it's your marriage and no skin off my nose if you take him back. What I think is actually immaterial to whether or not you want this man in your life. Same with your family. Bottom line: YOUR life. YOUR choice.



partlysunny78 said:


> she takes it as I am choosing someone that has hurt me over her who has been here for me.


Well, you can't have it both ways. You wanted your family's support when you thought you were definitely through with your husband. They supported you. Now that you are attempting reconciliation, you want them to support the changes you are trying. Doesn't work that way. The memories they have of him now is that he crapped all over the marriage. They don't feel like bringing him back into the fold (not that it sounds like they liked him much from the get go). So although you want to give your marriage another try, they don't have to go along with it. And don't expect them to change their minds about the situation just because you are attempting a reconciliation.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am curious partly but when he came back and said he wanted his family back did you stop him at the door and give him a list of things to do? here is the thing, your family has every right be upset not with him but with you, he has been a known entity from the beginning....and changes he has done have been short lived...but you have been asking like a yoyo and so they can't see what you see because they have seen no change in him and other then lip services and some minor changed for a couple weeks....sorry i have to side with your family......where you failed is that you should have given him the list work on and tell him you would see him once a week for a date and at couseling....no staying at the house....for at least 6 months. You have not provided him with any incentive to change, because you let him back in the house.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is what happens when you share marital issues with your family. You might forgive — and put the love goggles back on — but they don’t. Love tends to create more problems than it solves.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think your Mom and sister are just trying to look out for you and open your eyes to his flaws and issues.
Look, YOU have the right to try to reconcile, but you can't control how THEY feel. They feel he is hurtful, a cheater, and YOU shouldn't put up with that.
You certainly have the right to do what you want with R or D. BUT, as @Lostinthought61 said -- What did he DO (not SAY, DO) to prove to you that he has and is willing to continue to change? Is he currently going to individual counseling? Is he going to AA, is he being 100% honest with what he did while you were separated? Are YOU allowing your love to blind you to his problems now? Love is great, but sometimes YOU can't make "love" work everything out.

As for your sister, if HE is around at your house, then you will just have to make time to be with your sister elsewhere. BUT you need to think about keeping him around -- is that YOUR best choice? Don't be forced into it -- take your time and try to look at your relationship and H objectively.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to do two things. 
1. Take the blinders off.
2. Take the target off your back. 
You are setting yourself up for more pain and heartache and the worst thing about this is you are defending the guy that’s going to cause it. He’s had half a year of screwing around and drinking but now he wants some home comforts and you welcomed him with open arms.
He will continue to stab you in the back, you don’t have to keep handing him the knife.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

Thank you all so much for your input, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes it is very hard to see things when you are in the thick of it. It's very hard for me to walk away from people that I love, my heart is seriously my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. And not just with my husband, but with everyone in my life. I think with my family, I am hurt because I have also supported them in everything, I will give my opinion, but at the end of the day I look at it as it is their life and because I love them, I will always be there and support them and do what I can for them no matter what, and I think what I was wanting from them was the same thing. 

I am extremely close to his family as well, and it was basically just me and my mom and sister growing up, that was it, and then the past 10 yrs, his family became like mine, and I love them all as well. As for what my husband has done, he has agreed to the counseling, and unlocked his phone and given me full access to it, and he's being very transparent. I know love is blind, and I understand my mom and sister's perspective, I do, I just feel like I have to give it one last try and do the counseling and see what happens with it.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

Thank you all so much for your input, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes it is very hard to see things when you are in the thick of it. It's very hard for me to walk away from people that I love, my heart is seriously my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. And not just with my husband, but with everyone in my life. I think with my family, I am hurt because I have also supported them in everything, I will give my opinion, but at the end of the day I look at it as it is their life and because I love them, I will always be there and support them and do what I can for them no matter what, and I think what I was wanting from them was the same thing. 

I am extremely close to his family as well, and it was basically just me and my mom and sister growing up, that was it, and then the past 10 yrs, his family became like mine, and I love them all as well. As for what my husband has done, he has agreed to the counseling, and unlocked his phone and given me full access to it, and he's being very transparent. I know love is blind, and I understand my mom and sister's perspective, I do, I just feel like I have to give it one last try and do the counseling and see what happens with it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

partlysunny78 said:


> I just feel like I have to give it one last try and do the counseling and see what happens with it.


Then do that. Explain THAT to your Mom/Sis. YOU have to do EVERYTHING YOU need to so that you are at peace with whatever you do.

My only suggestion -- put a time on it (I will work on this for XXX months, and if still bad, end it -- type of thing). You don't want to spend endless years at this only to figure out it isn't going to work, and the timeline will help YOU focus on this process to see if you can work it out.
Best of luck.

ETA: I don't mean to imply you should only wait for a few months in the wording above -- YOU pick the window of time you want to work on it!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

partlysunny78 said:


> I will give my opinion, but at the end of the day I look at it as it is their life and because I love them, I will always be there and support them and do what I can for them no matter what, and I think what I was wanting from them was the same thing.


^This^ is your perspective. If it works for you, that's fine. But it doesn't work for a lot of people. My guess is you tend to be a people-pleaser. My second guess is you have expectations that people should act/react just like you. As you can see with your own family, it simply doesn't work that way.

And, I will add, I would NOT support my own family no matter what. There are certain principles that I value. If a family member wants to crap all over my principles, that's their right. But it doesn't mean I'll support them while they exercise those rights. For instance, if my cousin decided to cheat on his partner, told me about it, and expected me to support him while he lied to his partner's face, that would get a hard NO from me. Sorry. I don't support cheaters in their cheating activities. That's just me. There are certain things that simply don't qualify as loyalty-above-all-else in my world.

JMO.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Then do that. Explain THAT to your Mom/Sis. YOU have to do EVERYTHING YOU need to so that you are at peace with whatever you do.
> 
> My only suggestion -- put a time on it (I will work on this for XXX months, and if still bad, end it -- type of thing). You don't want to spend endless years at this only to figure out it isn't going to work, and the timeline will help YOU focus on this process to see if you can work it out.
> Best of luck.
> ...


Actually I did tell them that, but they still did not approve of my decision. Thanks so much again for your feedback.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

They get to make the rules in their homes, and you get to make the rules in yours.

If you are really trying to reconcile, what message are you sending him about his relative importance if you tell him to disappear for the duration of you mother's visit? Don't take responsibility for her actions or feelings.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

partlysunny78 said:


> Hi all! I am reaching out because I really don't know what to do. To make a very long story short, my husband and I have been in a very hot and cold relationship for 10 yrs, married 4 of those, my family has never really cared for him, because they don't think he is good for me. He has changed a lot in the 10 yrs, quit drinking and settled down into domestic life. We split up in September of last year and he moved out and I filed for divorce, as we just couldn't get along and were constantly fighting, and there were a lot of trust issues and a lot of things going on, I asked him to do counseling and he would not do it, however we still talked and were sleeping together and then I found out he was sleeping with several other women in December and he started drinking and going back out to the bars and just being stupid. My family of course was very supportive of this and helped me in any way they were able. Well fast forward to a few weeks ago, and we started talking again and he came to me and said he wanted his family back and he would do whatever it took to make it work, counseling, anything. So I have decided to give it a go, because I love him. I held off telling my family about it because of the judgement, but I eventually went ahead and did so the past few days, and it's been very stressful to say the least, my mom said she will have nothing to do with him ever and he is not welcome in her home...then my sister whom I am very close with also feels the same, and is actually coming up to visit me next weekend and asked that I ask him to stay away from here for the days that she is visiting, as she didn't buy her ticket or spend the money on it to have him around and in her face. I am pulled as to what to do in this situation, because when we sat down and talked about making it work, we both said we were going to give 100%, and try to make this work. I just don't think it's fair to ask him to stay away, while she is visiting, and she takes it as I am choosing someone that has hurt me over her who has been here for me. I was hoping to get some outside perspective? Thanks in advance.


Are you sure he has changed or did you just become more tolerant and numb to his terrible behavior? It is commendable that you are dedicated enough to your marriage to try and make it work. However, do you really deserve to be stuck with a man that has a 10 year history of drinking problems and has cheated on you with multiple woman? What have you done to deserve that kind of treatment and disrespect? I'm sure your mother is pained to see her daughter treated as though she doesn't matter.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> ^This^ is your perspective. If it works for you, that's fine. But it doesn't work for a lot of people. My guess is you tend to be a people-pleaser. My second guess is you have expectations that people should act/react just like you. As you can see with your own family, it simply doesn't work that way.
> 
> And, I will add, I would NOT support my own family no matter what. There are certain principles that I value. If a family member wants to crap all over my principles, that's their right. But it doesn't mean I'll support them while they exercise those rights. For instance, if my cousin decided to cheat on his partner, told me about it, and expected me to support him while he lied to his partner's face, that would get a hard NO from me. Sorry. I don't support cheaters in their cheating activities. That's just me. There are certain things that simply don't qualify as loyalty-above-all-else in my world.
> 
> JMO.


I very much am a people pleaser, you are absolutely right. It's something that I have been working on most of my life, and have also realized I am very co-dependent, again something I have been working on. This is a very hard situation for me, because I don't want to hurt anyone or let anyone down. And I also know that most people would not even look back, but I am just not built like that, even though I've tried, trust me I have.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

Cletus said:


> They get to make the rules in their homes, and you get to make the rules in yours.
> 
> If you are really trying to reconcile, what message are you sending him about his relative importance if you tell him to disappear for the duration of you mother's visit? Don't take responsibility for her actions or feelings.


That was exactly what I was thinking, when I tried to explain to her that I couldn't just tell him that when we both have agreed to give 100% to the marriage. I wasn't trying to make her feelings invalid or choosing anyone over her, I just think I would not feel right with him asking this of me, so it wouldn't be fair for me to ask it of her.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

partlysunny78 said:


> That was exactly what I was thinking, when I tried to explain to her that I couldn't just tell him that when we both have agreed to give 100% to the marriage. I wasn't trying to make her feelings invalid or choosing anyone over her, I just think I would not feel right with him asking this of me, so it wouldn't be fair for me to ask it of her.


Then make it her decision. She's welcome to come, but you will not be told who will be in your own home as a pre-condition.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

partlysunny78 said:


> That was exactly what I was thinking, when I tried to explain to her that I couldn't just tell him that when we both have agreed to give 100% to the marriage. I wasn't trying to make her feelings invalid or choosing anyone over her, I just think I would not feel right with him asking this of me, so it wouldn't be fair for me to ask it of her.


Have you not already been giving 100%? What is it that you have to work on?

That said, it is your life and your choice. It is your home too. If you don't want to have your husband leave tell you sister that. A spouse is at the top of the pecking order in my book Your sister doesn't have to come over.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Are you sure he has changed or did you just become more tolerant and numb to his terrible behavior? It is commendable that you are dedicated enough to your marriage to try and make it work. However, do you really deserve to be stuck with a man that has a 10 year history of drinking problems and has cheated on you with multiple woman? What have you done to deserve that kind of treatment and disrespect? I'm sure your mother is pained to see her daughter treated as though she doesn't matter.


I have asked myself that same question as far as the numbness. Before I agreed to anything I was very firm about the counseling and the transparency, and so far he has done what he agreed to, we go to our first session next week. I really hope this will help us, I do. I obviously have my own issues that I need to deal with and have been in therapy with in regards to some of those questions you asked, and plan to continue to work on them.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you not already been giving 100%? What is it that you have to work on?
> 
> That said, it is your life and your choice. It is your home too. If you don't want to have your husband leave tell you sister that. A spouse is at the top of the pecking order in my book Your sister doesn't have to come over.


Since we have decided to work things out, I have been. I really have been trying to communicate better and not be so over bearing and controlling on things. I also have a tendency to be negative about things.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

partlysunny78 said:


> Since we have decided to work things out, I have been. I really have been trying to communicate better and not be so over bearing and controlling on things. I also have a tendency to be negative about things.


Those aren't great qualities, and they can and should be worked on. However, that pales in comparison to what your husband has to work on. He has violated his vows multiple times with multiple women and he has a drinking problem. I can't help but think you believe it is somehow your fault and if you can just make yourself a better wife it will be all better. That isn't going to do it. He's had 10 years to get his crap together. Now all of a sudden he's going to be a different man? That really isn't very likely.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You completely contradicted yourself. You claim this guy has "changed so much" and has settled down into domestic bliss with you, and then you turn around and say this:

*


partlysunny78 said:



I found out he was sleeping with several other women in December and he started drinking and going back out to the bars and just being stupid. My family of course was very supportive of this and helped me in any way they were able.

Click to expand...

*What you can't seem to accept is that he hasn't changed at ALL. He's still the serial cheating alcoholic he's always been, and once again you're just trying to find a way to be ok with eating the latest **** sandwich he's trying to shove down your throat.

No wonder your family can't stand him. There's nothing to like about a man who continually sinks to the level he sinks to. But the really sad part is that you continue to cling to this loser like grim death. If you took off your rose-colored glasses, maybe you'd be able to see reality and make better choices for yourself. I'm sure your family has probably given up hope that you'll ever see reality.

*



...my mom said she will have nothing to do with him ever and he is not welcome in her home...then my sister whom I am very close with also feels the same, and is actually coming up to visit me next weekend and asked that I ask him to stay away from here for the days that she is visiting, as she didn't buy her ticket or spend the money on it to have him around and in her face.

Click to expand...

*I'm going to be brutally honest with you. Your family is *100% correct*. Literally, EVERY ONE OF THEM can see him for exactly what he *IS* - except you. I can only hope that if you have a daughter, you aren't teaching her to be a welcome mat who allows men to **** all over her, disrespect her, lie to her, humiliate her over and over and over, desert her, cheat on her again and again and again, betray her every chance he gets, and verbally abuse her. Because if you do have a daughter, *THAT'S *what you're teaching her is a "normal" relationship.

As far as Mr. Wonderful goes, you said one of the many phony, sugarcoated promises that he made to you was, _"I'll do whatever it takes to make it work."_ Good. Tell him he can start "doing whatever it takes" by getting lost for the week your sister is there.

I'm just going to wish you good luck. See you in a few months when Husband version 6.0 turns out to be just as awful as all the previous versions before this latest one. This isn't rocket science.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

partlysunny78 said:


> I very much am a people pleaser, you are absolutely right. It's something that I have been working on most of my life, and have also realized I am very co-dependent, again something I have been working on.


Believe me, I KNOW of what you speak. The thing is, working on your issues while living with your husband could impede any progress you want to make. After all, he's the catalyst that is keeping you in the codie loop. 

I put up with unacceptable and downright ridiculous abuse when I married TWO alcoholics. I finally realized that I was focused on someone else's issues to the point that I'd lost sight of my own life. I reacted to their behavior. I accepted their abuse. After all, I didn't think I deserved better.

All I can tell you is when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. I left. And I can tell you my life greatly improved. Seriously.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In my 57 years, I have never first-hand witnessed a family/friends having strong dislike 
for a loved one’s partner where the family/friends weren’t right. 

Your friends and family aren’t being influenced by orgasms or warm cuddles in the morning. They see things more objectively and see with their eyes that he isn’t a good person. 

Any time friends and family say that someone isn’t good for you and that you can do better - they are right.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am going to point out another angle that you are not taking seriously enough. Family and close friends can make or break a relationship whether we want them to or not. 

If your friends and family are not supportive and accepting of a relationship or of someone’s partner, it will add several more layers of difficulty and hardship.

Even relationships where both people are decent and their friends and family are supportive take work and are hard.

When you add another level of obstacles and challenges, it makes it even worse.

We live in a “you do you!” culture right now where we are expected to live our own lives and not be heavily influenced by others.

But the fact of the matter is how much or how little our family accepts our partner plays a big influence on the success or failure of that relationship.

You family has a very strong dislike and disapproval for him for good reason. That will make your relationship that much harder and a whole other level of complexity and hardship.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I’m with your family.

Also, listen to @Prodigal — she knows what she’s talking about.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And finally, unless your family are themselves conniving, sociopath/psychopath/narcissists etc that are intentionally out to hurt you, they do know better who is and who is not a good person for you. 

This is why throughout almost all of human history around the world, arranged marriage was standard practice and even in times and cultures where people chose their own mates, it was customary to obtain family approval prior to beginning wedding planning. 

This practice has fallen out of favor in recent times, but it actually is a best-practice for the reasons mentioned above.

You can do your own thing and go your own way. But assuming your family are decent people that love you and want the best for you and aren’t out to get you themselves, you would be foolish to not take their input into consideration.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Partly, why do you want to jump the gun on this. You had a shytty marriage and all you have now is promises y'all are going to do better. Why not just continue to date for a while to see how things go? You may find he's serious about change or you may discover it returned to business as usual. Ain't nothing wrong with you seeing a couple of other guys while waiting for a new track record.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

partlysunny78 said:


> Thank you all so much for your input, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes it is very hard to see things when you are in the thick of it. It's very hard for me to walk away from people that I love, my heart is seriously my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. And not just with my husband, but with everyone in my life. I think with my family, I am hurt because I have also supported them in everything, I will give my opinion, but at the end of the day I look at it as it is their life and because I love them, I will always be there and support them and do what I can for them no matter what, and I think what I was wanting from them was the same thing.


Stop for a minute and see this from their perspective. They've supported you through it for 10 years. Giving concern, advice, and being a shoulder to cry on. In the wake of your separation, it sounds like they also may have given other things too - time, effort, money, place to stay, etc. And now you're putting yourself back into a situation that will make you in need of them again and yet you expect them to keep supporting you? When is it enough? 

I don't doubt that you haven't been supportive of them but I do doubt that it's been over anything that was like a rollercoaster lasting 10 years. I don't think you truly understand how exhausting and frustrating it is to see someone you love go back and forth with a toxic partner. I don't think you understand how deflating it is when they inevitably go back to them and continue to make poor choices for themselves. Words from your husband are not enough and not worth it from him because they're cheap and he lies with ease. You will need their support on this rollercoaster again. At what point are they allowed to say it's too much and they're all tapped out?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

partlysunny78 said:


> Hi all! I am reaching out because I really don't know what to do. To make a very long story short, my husband and I have been in a very hot and cold relationship for 10 yrs, married 4 of those, my family has never really cared for him, because they don't think he is good for me. He has changed a lot in the 10 yrs, quit drinking and settled down into domestic life. We split up in September of last year and he moved out and I filed for divorce, as we just couldn't get along and were constantly fighting, and there were a lot of trust issues and a lot of things going on, I asked him to do counseling and he would not do it, however we still talked and were sleeping together and then I found out he was sleeping with several other women in December and he started drinking and going back out to the bars and just being stupid. My family of course was very supportive of this and helped me in any way they were able. Well fast forward to a few weeks ago, and we started talking again and he came to me and said he wanted his family back and he would do whatever it took to make it work, counseling, anything. So I have decided to give it a go, because I love him. I held off telling my family about it because of the judgement, but I eventually went ahead and did so the past few days, and it's been very stressful to say the least, my mom said she will have nothing to do with him ever and he is not welcome in her home...then my sister whom I am very close with also feels the same, and is actually coming up to visit me next weekend and asked that I ask him to stay away from here for the days that she is visiting, as she didn't buy her ticket or spend the money on it to have him around and in her face. I am pulled as to what to do in this situation, because when we sat down and talked about making it work, we both said we were going to give 100%, and try to make this work. I just don't think it's fair to ask him to stay away, while she is visiting, and she takes it as I am choosing someone that has hurt me over her who has been here for me. I was hoping to get some outside perspective? Thanks in advance.


The thing is when we tell our families the ugly truth of our spouses and the things they have done to us, this cannot be unseen or untold and hence will not be forgotten. They are not in love/love him the same way you do, so they see him and his negatives in the cold hard light of day. In addition, your WH sounds awful and likely to go back to the way he was, drinking and cheating is a lethal combination and you could find yourself in the same position 10 years from now. Why are you trying to rescue this man? Your family have seen what it does to you. You are fortunate you have such a loving and supportive family.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Smells like you’re dealing with a serial cheater. Read up. They never stop.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're like the boy who cried wolf. At some point, your mom and sis will get tired of the self created drama and leave you to your own devices. That they have lasted this long is a miracle.

You don't get to dump your crap on them for ten years and expect them to take it. You're abusing your relationship with them. They are not just props in your life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Please stick to one thread.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You're like the boy who cried wolf. At some point, your mom and sis will get tired of the self created drama and leave you to your own devices. That they have lasted this long is a miracle.


This. 

If you knowingly return to an abusive partner, who has continued to abuse you for years, and has shown no real signs - words are not signs, they are not actions - of stopping that abuse, then you stop being a victim of the abuse. You become a volunteer. 

You don't get to be angry that your family has figured out that you're actually a volunteer. No one can help someone who isn't interested in helping themselves. You can't help your husband because he isn't interested in helping, changing, himself. Your mom and sister also can't help _you_, because you've made it abundantly clear that you're not really interested in helping, changing, your own situation either. Why do they think that? Because you keep volunteering to go back for more of your husband's abuse. 

OP, keep working with your therapist to figure out why you keep volunteering and how to stop doing that.


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## partlysunny78 (Jul 1, 2021)

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and give me your input. There are definitely a lot of internal struggles that I am dealing with and I do acknowledge that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

partlysunny78 said:


> Thank you all for taking the time to respond and give me your input. There are definitely a lot of internal struggles that I am dealing with and I do acknowledge that.


But you are still going to stick around and keep taking the punishment, aren't you? You are all good with the abuse being dealt. Very sad to see.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are thinking with your heart and your heart will very often lead you in the wrong direction. Your problem is not your family — it’s your husband. Serial cheaters are not like ordinary cheaters. They are in a class by themselves. Why should they change when they keep getting their way (and I say that as someone who was married to a serial cheater for decades). That’s difficult for family to watch. So if you want your husband (and it’s obvious that you do) you’ll have to accept that your mom and sister may never come around.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Your problem is not your family — it’s your husband.


This sums it up. Your issue(s) are with your husband, not your family. Quit dragging them into YOUR mess. 

Your husband is not a man of quality, integrity, or character. He's proven that on a number of occasions. Sure, he's being transparent now. But he's already shown such a colossal amount of disrespect for you and the marriage, it makes me wonder why you wanted to give him another chance. 

I often wonder how anyone can love a cheater who sounds like he also has drinking issues. Actually, just thinking about a married man who would have sex with MULTIPLE women ... SMH.


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

Just try to imagine in this situation if you had a daughter in your current situation. Put yourself in your mothers perspective. I agree with your mom and sister. In addition what is your husbands motive for returning? 
Take care of you first and foremost.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your family has seen the 10 years of pain he caused. You are willing to overlook all the red flags because you love him. They are not because they love you. 

It's too soon to force everybody to play nice at this point. Don't try. Spend some time with your sister & see your EX-H when she leaves. If he can't hold it together, not drink & not sleep with other women during the course of her visit, you have your answer: he has not changed enough. If he really wants you back appeasing your family by not pushing his presence on them is a small price to pay. He has 10 years of screw ups to make up for.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

partlysunny78 said:


> Hi all! I am reaching out because I really don't know what to do. To make a very long story short, my husband and I have been in a very hot and cold relationship for 10 yrs, married 4 of those, my family has never really cared for him, because they don't think he is good for me. He has changed a lot in the 10 yrs, quit drinking and settled down into domestic life. We split up in September of last year and he moved out and I filed for divorce, as we just couldn't get along and were constantly fighting, and there were a lot of trust issues and a lot of things going on, I asked him to do counseling and he would not do it, however we still talked and were sleeping together and then I found out he was sleeping with several other women in December and he started drinking and going back out to the bars and just being stupid. My family of course was very supportive of this and helped me in any way they were able. Well fast forward to a few weeks ago, and we started talking again and he came to me and said he wanted his family back and he would do whatever it took to make it work, counseling, anything. So I have decided to give it a go, because I love him. I held off telling my family about it because of the judgement, but I eventually went ahead and did so the past few days, and it's been very stressful to say the least, my mom said she will have nothing to do with him ever and he is not welcome in her home...then my sister whom I am very close with also feels the same, and is actually coming up to visit me next weekend and asked that I ask him to stay away from here for the days that she is visiting, as she didn't buy her ticket or spend the money on it to have him around and in her face. I am pulled as to what to do in this situation, because when we sat down and talked about making it work, we both said we were going to give 100%, and try to make this work. I just don't think it's fair to ask him to stay away, while she is visiting, and she takes it as I am choosing someone that has hurt me over her who has been here for me. I was hoping to get some outside perspective? Thanks in advance.


I'm in a very similar situation. We've had a very rocky 18 years and suddenly a God given chance to restore.. but I've been here before with him so it's difficult to trust yet. I have moved away and we are going to see how it goes. But I can't let my family down again, especially as I say, we've been here before. Actions will speak louder than promises. And take your time. God go with us both.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

People who do the chicken dance know it's dumb but think it's fun, anyway. No one wants to watch people do the chicken dance.


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