# Discovered husband on swinger website after 30+ years of marriage



## MaryP (May 28, 2018)

1.5 years ago I discovered a nude photo of my husband on his cell phone. He was standing with me when I found it and I immediately confronted him. Being caught red handed he told he had joined a nudist website. I was shocked to the core - he is posting nude photos of himself on the Internet? What else is he doing I do not know about? He brushed it off saying, "You know how I like to be naked...". I told him I did not know who he was any more, asked what if his kids found it - to which he responded - 'they never would.' 

Over the next several months after finding this picture, I was able to access his nudist website because he had left it up on his computer one day. From there I discovered he was also on a swinger site which he did not tell me about. For several months I just watched what he was doing on line. I spoke to my therapist about it, I met with a divorce attorney, I spoke to a PI, and I was getting conflicting information on what to do. I was told I could not reveal what I knew to my husband because he would go into hiding and I would never get more details. So - that is what I have done for the last 1.5 years and it has been torcher. 

I did talk to him about the nudist website (although he never knew that I had actually seen his profile and some of the things he had posted) and I told him I wanted him to shut it down - get off of it and he told me he would. Of course he never has. He has been very careful now about not leaving anything on his computer and has deleted browser history every time he is on. But - I do not have to get on to see he is still on both the nudist and swinger website. He doesn't realize I can easily do that without being a member or without access through his computer. I won't tell him that. I cannot see everything he posts or that goes on on these sites, but I can see enough to know he has acted out on some sexual encounters with other men. My next step is to get myself tested. 

Over the last 1.5 years before I knew that he had actually acted out on some of this, I worked very hard at trying to make our marriage work. I suggested marriage counseling and he agreed. But it was obvious he was only doing it to pacify me. It was obvious he did not really want to be there. And since I am the only one bringing in an income now, I did not want to continue to pay for it since I did not feel a genuine interest from him. We took a vacation and I agreed to join him on a nudist beach. He felt he had made a 'breakthrough' with his wife - as he proudly boasted on his nudist profile. I did it for him and to see how I felt about it. But I knew this could never be me. I have no problem being nude on the beach and having sexy encounters with just he and I. I am not into being an exhibitionist and parading my nude body up and down the beach, which he enjoys. Several months later he asked me to go to a nudist resort with him and I said no. He said he still wanted to go, even if I did not. I told him I did not want him to go - he insisted he wanted to go. I told him he had some decisions to make then. I saw later he posted our conversation on his nudist site and made the comment that he would indeed one day go to the nudist resorts. I am sure he has. I also know he has frequented Korean bath houses, and been watching gay and bisexual porn. 

There have been issues in our marriage for a long time and I know that we both have responsibility in that. One thing we do agree on is a part of our problem is communication. I know my interest in sex diminished over the years for a number of reasons - partly because he was constantly getting fired from jobs and the financial burden was always falling on me, and partially I am sure was the result of menopause. Regardless of the near sexless marriage - I do not believe that gives either spouse the license to violate your marriage vows. You come together and figure out a way to work on it - or you end the marriage. 

Over the last couple of months he tells me he loves me a lot more, and has given me loving cards, gifts, for anniversary, Mother's Day, birthday, etc. but he continues his alternative lifestyle. 

I am at a point where I know this has to be dealt with now. I am just not sure how to proceed - confront him with everything I know and see if he is willing to give it up and work on our marriage OR draw up divorce papers? The lies and deceit, to me, are as bad as the infidelity. I still love my spouse and would love to see a genuine feeling of love and caring and compassion coming from him toward me. But - he has a lot to do to win back my trust.

A part of the dilemma too is at this stage in my life is I want to be financially secure and be sure I will not have to support him should we go through divorce. Recently he withdrew a HUGE sum of money from our joint account and deposited into an account that only he has access to. He explained the reason was to pay off a credit card bill we had agreed to use that money for and that he had to do it this way because of the way the bill had to be paid. BS. I would love to know how I can regain access to those funds.

I left out a lot of the details of the last 1.5 years. But, let me say this has been crippling in so many ways. I cannot think many times, I cannot even 'act' sometimes to do the things I need to do to take care of the house, and more importantly my career and job responsibilities. My energy is gone. I spend many sleepless nights. Keeping all of this in is not healthy I know and I see the toll it has taken on me. I think a part of me has been in denial and also trying to figure out what I need to do to make this marriage a marriage again. I do not want, and never imagined myself, going through a divorce at this stage in my life.

Appreciate any thoughts and advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I don’t understand why you’re not already divorced.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you need to get out. He's using you, it sounds like. People change, it's not a reflection on anything you did or didn't do...sometimes, people change. I'd start seeking legal help and see what your options are. You can't save this marriage on your own, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What more could you learn about this that takes over a year? Divorce him already...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you need to get out. He's using you, it sounds like. People change, it's not a reflection on anything you did or didn't do...sometimes, people change. I'd start seeking legal help and see what your options are. You can't save this marriage on your own, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.


You're back! :smile2:


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM. We have a lot of great people and we can help you. 

What a terrible situation to find yourself in after all those years of marriage. My first concern in reading your post is that I hope you have not continued to have sex with this man after finding out what he is involved in. I'm sure you only know the tip of the iceberg. God only knows what diseases he could have contracted. Gross.

A few questions-

-Do you still love him?
-What do you want to have happen?
-Did he tell you he has closed the nudist account?
(I would join those sites myself so you could see what he is posting and even if you can get him to talk to you). 
-How do you know about the bath houses? Was it something he readily admitted, or did you find out he was sneaking and going?
-Is he gay or bi?
-Do you think he is meeting up with men? Geez, I mean you can find one in your area on Craigslist in about two minutes. Imagine what he probably does while you are at work!!!!
-So you were a big contributing factor to having a sexless marriage, correct? What did you expect him to do for his sexual needs?

I understand that money is important, but I would live in a box before I would stay with this man based on what you have said so far.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you need to get out. He's using you, it sounds like. People change, it's not a reflection on anything you did or didn't do...sometimes, people change. I'd start seeking legal help and see what your options are. You can't save this marriage on your own, and it doesn't sound like he wants to. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.


Welcome back sweetness!:grin2:


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## keh9032 (May 28, 2018)

Wow. So over the past 1.5yrs that you have been collecting information, he is showing you love as if he chose you while also still doing everything else and not working? I think you've gathered enough evidence, what was the next plan? Serve him with divorce papers and all of your evidence. I honestly can't see how you'd be responsible for him given all he has done. This will either shock him and show him how serious you are and he'll change or he'll let it be bc it sounds like he's not going to stop.
Good luck to you. I hope however it ends up you're able to find some closure


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How much more can you take before he takes it all? 

Divorce yesterday!

Your marriage is over. This man will only get worse. He will not change and will end up nude and broke. Nude because he won't have a penny to his name to even buy underwear. You should not suffer his same fate. 

These are the cards you have been dealt with at this time in your life. You can still salvage a lot, but you can't wait any longer. You stand to lose way too much in this your husband's crazy crisis that will end terrible.

I am not exaggerating, he is on a downward spiral and you need to get out of his way. Please love him from a far and let him fully spiral down and hit rock bottom. It's sadly, that only way he will finally wake up. 

Expose the whole truth to your family including the kids. They need to know how serious this is and how much emotional help you will need and sadly so will he, but he can't see anything he is losing right now. Don't cover for him! Exposure will maybe help him wake up, but it is not likely. He is too far gone. You didn't nip this in the bud when you initially found out because this whole damn ordeal is indeed mind boggling, but it happens very frequently to so many long term marriages. He is now using mutual assets to finance his downfall. Please seek a lawyer to make this stop!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's obviously going to do what he wants to do (behind your back) so why are you still with him?

No one in a very long marriage wants to see it end (I wished at the time mine ended that it didn't have to) but sometimes that's the solution you have to accept if you want peace in your life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MaryP said:


> A part of the dilemma too is at this stage in my life is I want to be financially secure and be sure I will not have to support him should we go through divorce. Recently he withdrew a HUGE sum of money from our joint account and deposited into an account that only he has access to. He explained the reason was to pay off a credit card bill we had agreed to use that money for and that he had to do it this way because of the way the bill had to be paid. BS. I would love to know how I can regain access to those funds.
> 
> Appreciate any thoughts and advice.


You don't seem to understand what is going on despite all your wrote here. Let me put it in a nutshell for you.

Your husband has a completely different idea on how he wants to live his life from what you have. He wants you to join in his alternate lifestyle and fund it. The problems you are having are not marriage problems. They are his personal issues that he refuses to acknowledge as being a problem. He doesn't see his behavior as a problem. To him, the problem is that you aren't right in it with him. He has no desire to change and he's not going to change. 

He took money and has likely spent it. It's probably gone. The only way you will find out is if you get an attorney and even then it is marital funds and unlikely that you can do anything about it unless he still has some of it. Again, find an attorney who can help you.

You don't want a divorce. You want your old life back. The old life is gone. Either you live like this for the rest of your lives or you divorce him. Those are your real choices. Do not make choices hoping that someone else is going to change, especially when they have given you zero reason to believe they want to change.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your problem is you can't/won't make a decision so in essence you're keeping yourself in limbo


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

There comes a time where you must do something. Like s#i! or get off the pot. 

How much MORE do you need to know? This man is living a double life and lying to your face about it. 

What you should do is go file for divorce, not warn him... Why would that change anything? He didn't want marriage counseling and he didn't actually delete his profiles or change anything. He has just gone on right ahead not caring. He challenged you and said his kids would never know... Well I think they should. Honestly if my parents marriage was on the rocks or ending I feel being that I am a product of their union I should very least know why. Sure that may effect how they see him, that is not your fault that is his. 

I would leave him. No ifs ands or buts....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you divorce him, he has to account for the money he removed from the account.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Dump the bum, NOW! Do it before he totally cleans you out and have to struggle to pay his hidden bills is my guess. He took money out of your account to make payments on his hidded credit cards. No one takes money out of an account, opens a new account to supposedly "PAY OFF" a bill.

You have a rebellious teenager (husband) on your hands. Trouble is you are giving him an allowance so he can be a troubled teen ager.

You are the one being abused-taken for a ride. I feel for your future. The longer you let this mess go on, the worse your future will be.

Please take care of yourself.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

So you are married to a bisexual perv. I think you know the answer to this one.


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## MaryP (May 28, 2018)

Thank you for that.


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## MaryP (May 28, 2018)

Thanks to all for your comments. MattMatt especially thanks to you. The one encouraging thought I have heard in the last several months.

I have a meeting with an attorney next week. I really need sound legal and financial advice on how to handle this. I am thinking about closing our joint account and opening a single account in my name only at another bank. Not sure if I can close the joint account without his consent but I can stop my work direct deposits from going in there. 

I have some access to his single account which he has had for several years - he did not just open it. In other words, I can go into the credit card accounts we have and have the payment for those cards come from his single account via online payment. I am not sure if that is legal or not - that is why I really need proper counsel. I did pay our taxes and our CPA from that account this year after I learned he had transferred more than $20K from our joint account into his single account. And by the way - for the last 6 years - I pay all of our taxes every year, mortgage payments, and pretty much all of the household expenses such as utilities, etc. He pays some things but very little. And he uses a credit card that is in both of our names to buy groceries, wine, other expenses like that and then pays for it from our joint account - which over the last 6 years has had money put into it solely from my salary. 

Its the first of the month and when we pay various bills and I am tempted to pay for them from his single account. The only thing is I am afraid that will piss him off and that $20K if it is still there -will completely disappear. 

Now - as I mentioned he is traveling throughout the summer. So even if I get divorce papers drawn up, I am not sure how I would serve him with them. I am hoping the attorney can advise me on that when we meet next week. I am just hoping it is not too late. 

My kids - who are both adults now - know nothing of any of this. I have always felt it was not right to burden them with this or speak poorly of their father to them. My daughter especially I think would take this very hard. And she is very much like me - a hard worker and she is in school full time pursuing another degree, while also working fulltime. I do not want this news to stress her out and put added burden onto her right now. 

Thanks everyone for listening. I feel like I am rambling on now so I will sign off.


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