# Shot to the gut..



## gutcheck (Jul 18, 2012)

Hi all I was so happy to find this outlet last night. I read some gr8 info that has given me strength. My story goes as follows.. I have known my wife for 15yrs married for 4. Like every relationship we have had our ups and downs. But have always worked thru them. Lots of happy times. But have always had trust issues with her on small stupid stuff to her cheating on me almost 8 yrs ago, cause she thought she didnt love me and wanted to be on her own...needless to say she came back cause she thought it was a big mistake and realized she loved me. since then we have been good, got married, but i always had reservation and trust issues with her which kept me from fully opening up. This never appeared to be a problem for her and she would just react harshly when confronted and accuse me of controlling her.

This past year we found out that she was going thru early menopause at 32 and had some degenerative bone health issues and that having a baby was probably not going to happen. This was so shocking at first we didn't know how to deal with it, we just ignored it and pretty much pretended that it wasn't a problem and we would work thru it. I supported her in every way, alternative medicine, fully organic foods, nutritional therapy u name it I was ok with it.

But the fights started to get worse the disconnect became greater and the sex went down to once a week if not once every 2 weeks. it didn't help that at this point I was on depression medication. Every small issue was a reason for a fight. I'm a pretty positive person so I'm fairly easy to just forget about fights and move on but she is quite different much more of a negative attitude and holds grudges. 

We were fighting almost every night. To add to all this the wife smokes alot of weed, at first it was weekends then it progressively got more till the point were she was smoking all day. I was just as guilty at this point. We realized there were many problems piling up but just numbed out by smoking. I tried to get her to slow down to no success. The lies started.. about everything from little white lies to bigger things, smoking weed and denying it even though i could tell. I could not depend on her to come thru on her word for anything. I would try to help her stay healthy and tell her to quit the smoking (weed and cigarettes) as well as the drinking since our doctors told us this would not help her health. She took my caring for her as me trying to control her life and snapped at me anytime i brought up anything. 

This past few weeks I noticed my wife getting snappier with me the fights got worse. Her phone was sitting next to me and i saw a message come in from a strange name with the first sentence making sexual comments..at first I thought it was some spam email, but them upon further checking there was 3 weeks of communication and there was talk about them kissing. i confronted her and she denied at first..but then came clean and confirmed they kissed..i couldn't believe this, my whole world came crashing down on me, I could not believe she would do this. At this point she tried to act like it was no big deal, did not consider it cheating. Telling me I was over reacting. She then turned the whole thing around on me being extremely hurtful, which is her MO when cornered. 

After this we sat and discussed all the issues, agreed we needed help and needed to get things on track and would cut communication with this guy so we could wrk things out, but she kept communicating with him, this went back n forth driving me nuts from lets wrk it out, to this isn't going to wrk, to I'm moving out. In the meantime she went on our accounts and flushed out 80% of our saving with out even discussing this with me. After we had yet another big talk with seemed like progress i took her out to dinner we had a great time we agreed to wrk things out and i found out she was still having flirtatious conversations with this guy.. at this point she decided she wants to move out blaming the issue on me and not having any chemistry with me anymore and wanting to find herself and be on her own to grow. Yet another talk and agreement we would wrk it out and do counseling but then i wake up to her packing her bags telling me she is moving out. The next morning she leaves, moves in with her mother. This was 2 days ago, I have been an absolute mess. We only had a brief email conversation exchanging address of counseling which she agreed to come for closure according to her.

I feel so confused, I know we still love each other..Ive tried everything to save this marriage but she isnt making any effort and will not acknowledge the hurt she has caused me...so confused. 

I'm seeing her tonight at counseling I don't know how I should act what I should say any advice would be so much appreciated.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Are you spending all of your energy trying to fix this marriage? It sounds that way. It might be time to step back and work on making yourself a stronger person. She will have to own up to her part with this other guy and you can't help her in any way to do that.

Your pushing to try to fix this will only hurt the situation at this time.


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## gutcheck (Jul 18, 2012)

Yup, I have been going above and beyond to get things back on track, because 1 moment she seems shes on board and another shes completly out in left field. Part of me wants to talk to her tonight to get some sense into her, part of me just wants to ignore her and be a **** but that doesn't seem it will help either... I just dont want to to feel like a hopeless puppy tonight. I feel so vulnerable.. which is a very strange feeling..



jdlash said:


> Are you spending all of your energy trying to fix this marriage? It sounds that way. It might be time to step back and work on making yourself a stronger person. She will have to own up to her part with this other guy and you can't help her in any way to do that.
> 
> Your pushing to try to fix this will only hurt the situation at this time.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I'm usually pro-marriage, but this one seems done. Sounds like she doesn't love you as a husband, but she needs you as her good ol' reliable back up plan. You've served that role for years. I would say to try MC with her for a few sessions. Don't say a whole lot, just really try to listen to what she's saying. If she doesn't seem to be working hard on the marriage, stop the MC and file. Either way, you should go see a lawyer NOW to learn your rights. 

She has cheated and lied more than once. Can you ever trust her again? And she doesn't think kissing a dude is cheating? What is she willing to do to the next guy to score some weed when she's short on cash? That would almost be enough right there for me to say GAME OVER.



gutcheck said:


> I just dont want to to feel like a hopeless puppy tonight. I feel so vulnerable.. which is a very strange feeling..


You sound codependent. Individual counseling may help you get through this.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

If you want a chance, you have to be supportive of her. Right now the only support you can give is to make yourself as strong mentally as possible and stop trying to solve HER problems. 

Tell youself this. I can't fix her. I can't tell her how to feel. I can't talk sense into her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, your wife having an affair. They didn't just kiss a couple of times, that stopped back in high school. They had sex. They've continue to meetup and continued the affair and her moving out o her moms is to give her cover to more easily have the affair.

Admit what you are dealing with and then you can tackle it.

Next, since she didn't move in straight with this guy he is likely either married or has a gf. See he's cheating too.

You need to find out who he is. Do not confront him, that's a waste of time and he will lie to you and laugh at you behind your back.

Instead you find his wife / gf and expose the affair to her.

Do not warn your wife you are doing any of this.

Also cut off your wife financially. Give her no money, go after the money she took, and cancell joint CC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

gutcheck said:


> Yup, I have been going above and beyond to get things back on track, because 1 moment she seems shes on board and another shes completly out in left field. Part of me wants to talk to her tonight to get some sense into her, part of me just wants to ignore her and be a **** but that doesn't seem it will help either... I just dont want to to feel like a hopeless puppy tonight. I feel so vulnerable.. which is a very strange feeling..


She is in an affair. It's become her number one priority and she will lie right to your face on her grandmothers grave to protect it. You've already found out you can't logically reason her out of it. What you can do which will help is to expose it to her mom and expose on the OM world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gutcheck (Jul 18, 2012)

Yep she has been flat out lying to my face these last 2 weeks. I'm sure she's still seeing this guy even though she denies it. Her family is a piece of work too, long time ago we caught her mom cheating on her Dad..I know wtf right?!?! I talked to her mom last week and exposed her, but I think ur right I should expose her to our friends too, its not right for me to keep this bottled up I haven't even told my family about the cheating, I'm embarrassed. she's been trying to brainwash me that I have been overacting and it didn't mean anything. So I confronted her Mom, she seemed to be on my side and would wrk with me to get thru this, since then not one call and she allowed her back even though she said she wouldn't do this.



Shaggy said:


> She is in an affair. It's become her number one priority and she will lie right to your face on her grandmothers grave to protect it. You've already found out you can't logically reason her out of it. What you can do which will help is to expose it to her mom and expose on the OM world.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ithe mind games are called gaslghting, and part of the cheaters bag of tricks.

Find the OM like I said. Get her phone records, get his number, and find his name and info. Then find his wife. The Idea here is to expose him and get him to throw your wife under the bus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Once you do that, let your W scream at you with the how could you's and don't show fear or remorse. Don't apolagize, or fight with her about it. Step back and give her a chance to either own up or file.

She will deffinately hit the victim stage once that comes out!


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I think it takes two to tango. I apologize in advance for not being as supportive as perhaps you'd want. I think that the many examples of her behavior you have said are her ways of trying to get you to leave her. Saying to herself that maybe if she just does this thing that'll be it and you will leave. she isn't really remorseful about any of it. She is going to go ahead and take care of herself because she has not been in this marriage for sometime and has numbed herself by self-medicating. I wouldn't be surprised if her family and her friends support her affair. I would prepare to move on.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Find the OM like I said. Get her phone records, get his number, and find his name and info. Then find his wife. The Idea here is to expose him and get him to throw your wife under the bus.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good advice if you want to save this marriage.

If you don't, I wouldn't put energy into it. Instead, put your energy into protecting yourself through the divorce process.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

The more you try the further you are going to push her away. No one is attractive to a needy person. What you are doing is the most unattractive thing you can possibly do to a woman.

Stop pursuing her and begin pursuing yourself. Stop kissing her ass. Be the man she was attracted to at first. You know, the guy you were before all of this started. 

It takes a lot of work, but you need to do this for you.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

Traggy said:


> The more you try the further you are going to push her away. No one is attractive to a needy person. What you are doing is the most unattractive thing you can possibly do to a woman.
> 
> Stop pursuing her and begin pursuing yourself. Stop kissing her ass. Be the man she was attracted to at first. You know, the guy you were before all of this started.
> 
> It takes a lot of work, but you need to do this for you.



:iagree: i did the same thing and it backfired. you need to 180 and focus on u. sounds like she's having a mid life crisis. the medical issues, weed and this other guy are making things worse. right now the om is like a shiney new toy. i agree you should contact his significant other and let her know what's up. then you should thank your wife for leaving. tell her you haven't been happy either, then go dark. eventually the om will stop being fun or she'll miss you and come running back. at that time, you can decide if you want to make it work, but in the mean time work on yourself, and become the most awesome you that you can be.


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## gutcheck (Jul 18, 2012)

I know that's the right course of action, the heart feels different, but I know I need to suck it up and get my life back on track and focus on me, u guys are right at this point she's just not worth pursuing, she has been way to hurtful to me. 

Time to focus on me! Tonight at counseling when i see her prior and afterwards I wont say a word and actually agree that this separation is a good thing since I'm not happy at the moment either and just go dark. Doesn't change the feeling of hurt pounding in my chest, but this too shall pass. Thnx for the kind word of encouragement. i can't be thankful enough to have stumbled on this forum, i really didn't have anyone to talk to since my family lives abroad and I;m ashamed to even talk about this with them yet.



Traggy said:


> The more you try the further you are going to push her away. No one is attractive to a needy person. What you are doing is the most unattractive thing you can possibly do to a woman.
> 
> Stop pursuing her and begin pursuing yourself. Stop kissing her ass. Be the man she was attracted to at first. You know, the guy you were before all of this started.
> 
> It takes a lot of work, but you need to do this for you.





lulubelle said:


> :iagree: i did the same thing and it backfired. you need to 180 and focus on u. sounds like she's having a mid life crisis. the medical issues, weed and this other guy are making things worse. right now the om is like a shiney new toy. i agree you should contact his significant other and let her know what's up. then you should thank your wife for leaving. tell her you haven't been happy either, then go dark. eventually the om will stop being fun or she'll miss you and come running back. at that time, you can decide if you want to make it work, but in the mean time work on yourself, and become the most awesome you that you can be.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

good for you! do you see the same counselor? you may want to reschedule so you don't have to run into eachother. this board has been a life saver to me. before TAM i was crying daily and spraying his pillow with his cologne at night. seriously, i was that really pathetic person.


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## gutcheck (Jul 18, 2012)

Yes we have the same counselor, but I'm starting to think that's not going to be a good idea. She just left 2 days ago and already having to see her is giving me a funky feeling in my gut.

After this session I'll probably want to attend alone, then try jointly if i see her make an effort. But I have a feeling fireworks are going to go off in this session. I'm trying really hard to to be restrained and not get emotional. I'll post an update when I get out. 

Agreed this board is really a gem I was a mess till I finally tried looking for some help online. The advice here has truly been helpful, specially since I don't have many people to give me advice or lend an ear at this point.



lulubelle said:


> good for you! do you see the same counselor? you may want to reschedule so you don't have to run into eachother. this board has been a life saver to me. before TAM i was crying daily and spraying his pillow with his cologne at night. seriously, i was that really pathetic person.


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