# Is this going NOWHERE?



## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

2 years with my current boyfriend. After the first year, I noticed he barely sends 1 text a day (forget phone calls), never plans dates or even to "hang out" in advance (though doesn't turn you down whenever you suggest coming over his place). That was my BF --Never tries to make any real conversation about how my day or his day was, about his family (he literally told me nothing), or plans he might suggest for the weekend let alone the future. Criticized (actually very highly respected) job even in front of my own mom. Aloof and cold, forget smiles, sweet words, or any sort of physical affection. (My own family noticed his coldness whenever they were around him; he was cold both to them and to me.) In fact, if I asked for a hug or asked if he wanted to come to bed/cuddle, he'd stare and said "you're not 5 years old." 

After over a year, he had never said "I love you" -- but besides that, he also never told me anything he loved or appreciated or respected about me- even some dumb random little thing. If I tell him I got praise from a boss at work, he responds "cool" with a flat voice and face, later tells me "what are you a 5 year old? Are you expecting me to pat you on the back?"

Finally I said I wasn't sure we were on the same page -- because I ultimately want marriage & kids, and he hadn't even said he loved me, let alone much else. He responded "I do love you, and I want marriage and kids with you when the time is right." I gave him a hug, said "well you know I had plans with my best friend, can't stand her up. See you later." What did he do? Immediately texted single girl whom he'd met recently to meet him at a bar. She couldn't join, but he proceeded to flirt with her over text for a while, even while sleeping with me. Stuff like "I wish I had more pics of you." A month later, she texts to ask my BF if he'll come over her apartment and drink with her next time she's back in town. My BF responds, "definitely."

And posters here asked me about meeting his family. He once said, "Want proof that family isn't very important to me? I haven't seen mine in 10 years" (they are in a foreign country). Finally he went back to meet them, but I was not invited (he made up a reason). I said "that's fine but I'd love to at least Skype, talk to them on the phone, online, anything. Family's very improtant to me adn I'd love to start to get to know yours." He claimed they knew abut me, but when I finally messaged his sister on Facebook, she said she knew nothing about me and later, she begged me to make my BF care about his family as much as I seem to care about mine. She said, "I feel he has forgotten us." 

So, what do I do? At times I thought me asking about the future and being insecure pushed him away. But now I'm wondering if I had every reason to be insecure, and I would never have "pushed" for engagement or whatever if I actually had reason to trust he was serious about me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He has been disrespectful and emotionally abusive for a long time. Why are you still with him? You sound like you have really been beaten down since your previous threads on TAM. You might not notice it because it's been happening slowly for some time now. But it's pretty obvious.

Here is a video for you to watch. It's about a more severe abusive relationship but the basic message is right on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

Why are you putting up with him carrying on with another woman right under your nose? Does she know that he is living with you?

You need to leave him, like yesterday.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Build your self esteem. Move on. He is not into you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why would anyone put up with such a prize prick? Your self esteem must be in the gutter to have not left him a long time ago. Get some counselling.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Everyone here will tell you exactly the same thing. Leave him. You are wasting your life.

I would say that, but I have a feeling you'll stick around to the bitter end and be miserable the whole time. So I suggest you stock up on tissues, buy a punching bag, and get regular STD tests and make sure you always use a condom with him.

Also, don't spend much on the wedding, I doubt it will last long anyway. I wouldn't even have a reception if I were you. Who needs the embarrassment of feeling like you had to drag him to the altar and him being miserable and nasty the whole day. Ugh, I'd rather shoot myself.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

breeze said:


> Everyone here will tell you exactly the same thing. Leave him. You are wasting your life.
> 
> I would say that, but I have a feeling you'll stick around to the bitter end and be miserable the whole time. So I suggest you stock up on tissues, buy a punching bag, and get regular STD tests and make sure you always use a condom with him.
> 
> Also, don't spend much on the wedding, I doubt it will last long anyway. I wouldn't even have a reception if I were you. Who needs the embarrassment of feeling like you had to drag him to the altar and him being miserable and nasty the whole day. Ugh, *I'd rather shoot myself.*


I'd rather eat my own head than be with a man like this


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

what exactly does he do that's intolerable, though? the way I see it is, he must love me to agree for us to move in together. it gave me a bad feeling that his best friend asked "so you're moving in with her? may as well buy a ring, make it official?" and my BF's text response was "I'm warming up the idea... Will be nice to only pay half my rent."

but maybe I just shuoldn't expect so much from him. he says "work is the #1 priority, not you" so if i just weren't so needy and didn't expect more than 5 minutes of conversation a day... if I didn't care that he never called and barely texted while we were apart....

also he is probably just mad that I kept bringing up the future/getting married. but i feel like I did that bc I felt insecure about the relatinoship for the reasons I outlined abovve.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You must be very lonely, with low self esteem and probably very ugly too. No one to love you or care for you. All alone in this world. No friends or hope to find new friends or new bf. 

NO to all the above?

Then, why are you with a cold, selfish, uncaring, unloving, cheating, and unemotional a**wipe?

Girl you are young, in the bloom of your youth and womanhood, I am taking the place of your mum and tell you what she wants to say to you. Don't you dare move in with this man. You are just occupying space and time in his life. Then, he is going to use you to pay 1/2 of his rent, do his laundry, clean and cook for him. You must really love him to become his doormat and servant. Then, oh yes, you gave him sex. 

What do you get out of this? I want to see the list of things you are getting.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

learning112 said:


> *what exactly does he do that's intolerable, though? *the way I see it is, he must love me to agree for us to move in together. it gave me a bad feeling that his best friend asked*"so you're moving in with her? may as well buy a ring, make it official?" and my BF's text response was "I'm warming up the idea... Will be nice to only pay half my rent."*
> 
> but maybe I just shuoldn't expect so much from him. he says "work is the #1 priority, not you" so if i just weren't so needy and didn't expect more than 5 minutes of conversation a day... if I didn't care that he never called and barely texted while we were apart....
> 
> also he is probably just mad that I kept bringing up the future/getting married. but i feel like I did that bc I felt insecure about the relatinoship for the reasons I outlined abovve.


:slap:

He sounds emotionally dead and very narcissistic, and you sound very desperate to just hang on to this turd. You have not posted all that much about him but it was enough to make him sound repellant.

Have some self respect, what doesn he have to do to make you realize you are just there until something better comes along? He is already texting other women in your presence, imagine what he is doing when you aren't with him.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Yes, Bo, he loves you a lot. He loves you so much, that he gives you no love, show you no respect and treat your needs like nothing. So yes he loves you. I love my doormat too, I wipe sh*t off my feet every time I come thru the door. 

What the hell is wrong with you, that, you are will to put up with so much and get so little. You must like being unhappy.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Do you seriously think any of us will tell you that you should remain with a clown like this?

Time to pack it up and move along.

And please get some counseling so you don't pick another one just like him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are being used for whatever he needs--a green card? Money (1/2 the rent), etc? 

You are also convincing yourself that it isn't as bad as it looks. Nothing is "intolerable?" First, most people would agree that the way he treats you--IF he claimed to love you, which he does not--would be considered "intolerable." People who love us build us up and rejoice in our joy and success, they comfort us in difficult times, and they share openly and willingly. The fact that he's gone 10 years without seeing his own family is a bit scary, frankly. That's just not normal, not to have a connection to *anyone* that you love and long to see.

Finally, good relationships do not have "intolerable" as a line in the sand. The standard--for a GOOD relationship--is much higher. And you set it from day one, how you expect to be treated by the person who claims to love you, and how you will treat them. IF those standards don't match, you move on--b/c someone will be compromising from day one, and that's exhausting and futile, b/c you will be so sick of compromising eventually that the relationship *will* end.

Read up on setting boundaries and holding to them. Read about self-esteem and see a counselor. Move out now from this loser (and remember, he will want to hold you back b/c he's getting something out of it) and do *not* be swayed by arguments that he'll change. He would never NEED to change so basically, so entirely, if he loved you. He doesn't, and that is not going to change.

Good luck.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Learning, what does this guy bring to the table for you? It must be something. "He's not intolerable" is a very low bar. 

Your guy has told you that family isn't important to him. Why would you consider making him your family? Don't you want someone who feels that family is the most important? 

He tells you that you aren't #1. Why would you want someone who feels that way? Do you think that you can't get someone who feels that you are #1? Do you think that this guy would put you first if only you were somehow "better"? 

These are questions you can bring up with a good therapist. When you are have built better self-esteem, you will step away from a person who isn't kind to you, who isn't affectionate (if you enjoy affection, which seems to be the case per your first post.). If you want a family, you would move on from a person who doesn't place importance on family.

There are many men- most men, actually- who want a good woman, men for whom family is definitely #1, guys who feel the need to build, protect, and provide for their family. In fact, most of the men on TAM are here because they want to have/keep/improve on their relationship with their wife or significant other. Some have to leave their relationships because of cheating or other big problems, but for almost everyone it is a huge loss for them. Family is extremely valuable. 

Your guys isn't like that. Many of the men here go to great lengths for their families; your guy is just glad that he'll have someone to pay half the rent. 

The problem is, you probably believe that your guy is like that because of YOU. And so you'll go to great lengths and put up with all sorts of terrible treatment in the hopes that he'll become a Good Guy if you are a Good Girl. It's not true, though. It doesn't work that way. He is telling you and showing you very clearly who he is. He is not who is he because of YOU. He is like that with or without you. 

Don't move in together. Get a good therapist. Build on your life with your friends. This guy isn't an addition to your life. He isn't building you up. My husband and I are both better together. We drive each crazy and get angry with each other sometimes, but overall there is no question that we are better, our lives are better, together. We each bring things to the table. I think you'll be better without your guy. He takes from your table. He is willing to share rent, and that's about it. You will never be the priority. He has told you this, straight to your face. There is someone else out there for you.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

You should never have to say the words "It's not THAT bad" about your relationship, ever. I did it for years!!!

As another poster suggested, list out his good qualities for us. How does he lift you up and make you feel good about yourself? 
When was the last time he made you happy?

If you had a friend/sister/daughter in the relationship you are currently in, what would be your advice for them?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Here's what I get out of it. I worked very hard for my career and he has the same general one (though he clearly sees his position as higher and "above" me). I feel like I don't want to "shortchange" myself by settling for someone with a lesser resume. I immediately mention his job title when I talk to people about my significant other because honestly I don't think I would've settled for his behavior otherwise.

He's well-dressed and it's obvious that he doesn't really care much about connecting with people, so I felt such a rush of being special and chosen whenever he paid attention to me. That rush is addicting. I liked being able to work for his attention or affection and then feel like I made breakthroughs, like I "won." I'm terrified of being bored with a man who truly loves me and is stable. I've never known that feeling.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

The issue isn't that this is going no where, the issue is that it is going somewhere. It is going to a lifetime of you feeling exactly how you feel now. Is this how you want to feel?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> He's well-dressed and it's obvious that he doesn't really care much about connecting with people, *so I felt such a rush of being special and chosen whenever he paid attention to me.* That rush is addicting. I liked being able to work for his attention or affection and then feel like I made breakthroughs, like I "won." I'm terrified of being bored with a man who truly loves me and is stable. I've never known that feeling.


Wow. Therapy is definitely in order for you. Like yesterday.

You are ADDICTED to a self-absorbed, egotistical, non-empathetic NARCISSIST.

Ask yourself why your self-esteem is so low that it would be bolstered by this non-feeling jerk.

(P.S. He didn't "choose" you. You aren't "special" to him. You didn't "win." (Win HIM? What a PRIZE!!) He is simply using you. And you should slap yourself upside the head for falling for this charade.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Here's what I get out of it. I worked very hard for my career and he has the same general one (though he clearly sees his position as higher and "above" me). I feel like I don't want to "shortchange" myself by settling for someone with a lesser resume. I immediately mention his job title when I talk to people about my significant other because honestly I don't think I would've settled for his behavior otherwise.
> 
> He's well-dressed and it's obvious that he doesn't really care much about connecting with people, so I felt such a rush of being special and chosen whenever he paid attention to me. That rush is addicting. I liked being able to work for his attention or affection and then feel like I made breakthroughs, like I "won." I'm terrified of being bored with a man who truly loves me and is stable. I've never known that feeling.


Did you watch the video I linked for you... what you are describing is exactly how that woman felt.. she was 'special'.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

learning112 said:


> Here's what I get out of it. I worked very hard for my career and he has the same general one (though he clearly sees his position as higher and "above" me). I feel like I don't want to "shortchange" myself by settling for someone with a lesser resume. I immediately mention his job title when I talk to people about my significant other because honestly I don't think I would've settled for his behavior otherwise.


Prestige is important to you. 



> He's well-dressed and it's obvious that he doesn't really care much about connecting with people, so I felt such a rush of being special and chosen whenever he paid attention to me. That rush is addicting. I liked being able to work for his attention or affection and then feel like I made breakthroughs, like I "won."* I'm terrified of being bored with a man who truly loves me and is stable. I've never known that feeling*.


In your experience, Love is something that must be "won". You have to be "good enough" and a stable, loving man is "boring."

In this case, it sounds like "love" has always been chaotic and difficult to "achieve" for you. Does this sound about right? 

If you are terrified of finding a guy who truly loves you, then you are not going to be interested in a guy who truly loves you. You will be interested in guys who don't love you.

It's hard to find love, if you fall for guys who aren't capable of being loving. This is, indeed, a road to nowhere (other than rejection and heart-break.)

What do you want to do regarding this? You can stay on the same path, but it's not likely to lead to happiness. I think counseling is something you might want to consider.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

My boyfriend has MANY female friends. One, he laughed with her about how he thinks having kids is pointless adn stupid, even though a year later he was telling me he wanted them with me. Another female friend of his mentioned to me that my BF often forgets all about her -- goes many weeks without responding to a single message. I brought this up later and my BF declare, "She knows the way I am and accepts me for it." This friend also told me "jokingly", "We were talking about shark attacks earlier and your BF here said he'd run up to shore and save himself and not rescue his wife/kids! So you'd better watch out!!"

My BF may be a narcissist when his only comment to his best friend about us moving in together was "it'll be nice to only pay half rent." He led me to believe, when I asked many times over many months, that my name had been added to his apartment lease. Forwarded me a very official-looking lease. Then I find out, from talking to the online lease company, that my landlord had never even signed that document and I wasn't even on the lease. Yet my BF would collect half rent from me each month, including payment for HIS parking space, which is part of the lease -- he prohibits me from using it at any time, saying I should "Deal with my own parking" -- I pay hundreds of dollars extra for my own spot but don't ask him for $ for that.

I confronted him about the girl with whom he was sneaking behind my back and flirting last summer. He said, "the funny part is you're all upset about her and she meant absolutely nothing to me. she was just someone for me to get attention from. I don't care about her anymore, she's old news, it's on to the next one to flirt with."


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

learning112 said:


> I confronted him about the girl with whom he was sneaking behind my back and flirting last summer. He said, "the funny part is you're all upset about her and she meant absolutely nothing to me. she was just someone for me to get attention from. I don't care about her anymore, she's old news, it's on to the next one to flirt with."


:surprise:

Actually, I should have included your entire thread with that emo. 
He's textbook narcissist. Why do you set the bar so low for yourself? He's offering you nothing other than this sense of "winning" that you referred to. Believe me, that fades fast (Again, I've been there). You will spend the entire relationship chasing him, having very fleeting moments of "winning", until he meets someone else and drops you like a bad penny. Get out now.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

If you cannot see how toxic all of that is, then there is really no hope for you.

Either embrace your future with him, or create one for yourself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

learning112 said:


> 1. he laughed with her about how he thinks having kids is pointless adn stupid
> 
> 2. your BF here said he'd run up to shore and save himself and not rescue his wife/kids!
> 
> ...


Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Why on earth are you with this jerk?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I guess you suit each other just fine. You are using him for his prestigious job title and his impeccably dressing skills. He is using you to fill the empty space and time in his life. Oh, you have won alright, you have a man who doesn't care a fig for your happiness nor any respect for you. 

Your defense of him only shows him in a more negative light.

There is somthing wrong in the way you think. Get help.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He is a Supreme Douche. But you know this. The only question you must answer is if your being so enamored with his career is a fair trade off for him treating you like sh*t. If you answer yes, zip it and live with it.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Some days I'm fine with it. I'm happy to have the boxes to check (in a relationship with a very successful, prestigious, well dressed man), and I get the emotional fulfillment I need from others: my dad, my best guy friend. Other times I'm bored talking to my BF and feel insecure and sad, like he truly doesn't love me and I'm just another in a long string of girls, and he's never been "serious " about me and the only reason he's been with me this long is I've pushed and forced it to be more than he wants it to be. I'm torn between my two personalities. Some days I think it'd be nice to be with someone who's into me and actually makes me a priority the way I'd make them


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

learning112 said:


> Some days I'm fine with it. I'm happy to have the boxes to check (in a relationship with a very successful, prestigious, well dressed man), and I get the emotional fulfillment I need from others: my dad, my best guy friend. Other times I'm bored talking to my BF and feel insecure and sad, like he truly doesn't love me and I'm just another in a long string of girls, and he's never been "serious " about me and the only reason he's been with me this long is I've pushed and forced it to be more than he wants it to be. I'm torn between my two personalities. *Some days I think it'd be nice to be with someone who's into me and actually makes me a priority the way I'd make them*


Your guy doesn't truly love you. Surely you know this, it's why you're posting.

I hope you have more days where you think about how nice it would feel to be with someone who did love you, who prioritized you, who didn't lie to you to take you for your rent money, even though he is successful and prestigious. 

Even better: I hope you follow up and get into counseling, so you can experience how lovely, warm, safe, beautiful it is to be with a person who truly loves you. You can find successful, well-dressed, prestigious men who are capable of love. They certainly exist.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You're with him because he has a good job and he's with you because you pay half the rent and his parking spot, and you accept that he's got other women on the side.

Well, who are we to expect someone to want more from life? You want what you want. Someone with a good job. You have that. Done.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Yet there's a whole other side of me that wants DEPtH to a relationship. More than a guy who barely interacts with me for more than 10 minutes a night because he's busy staring at (non-urgent) work, and the interaction we do have feels forced- he just stares with a flat face when I try to talk about my day or ask about his. Always


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

learning112 said:


> Yet there's a whole other side of me that wants DEPtH to a relationship. More than a guy who barely interacts with me for more than 10 minutes a night because he's busy staring at (non-urgent) work, and the interaction we do have feels forced- he just stares with a flat face when I try to talk about my day or ask about his. Always


So what are you doing wasting your time with this guy? 

You said you worked hard to get the career you wanted. Do you think if you'd taken a job as a cashier and just whined and moaned about how much you hated the job, but couldn't be stuffed doing anything about it that you would have succeeded? Because that's essentially what you are doing in your relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Is this all even for real?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Op, i find it ironic and kinda humorous that you say you would get bored with a man who showed you that he really loved you and was "stable". 

I find it odd because honestly, if I were in his shoes, I would get bored with YOU! I mean, if all I had to do was hold a pretty job title and dress in pretty clothes and that was all it took to keep you, I would be bored out of my mind with you. In fact, I would probably start treating you worse and worse, just for my own amusement, just to see how far you would let me go. After all, it would be clear to me that you don't really love me either, since it's not what I do that you love, but rather my title. 

Eventually, I would get bored with you since there would be no challenge to keep you. I would probably just drop you by the wayside the second I find someone who really intrigues me who won't put up with me stringing another woman along. 

I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of remorse since it would be clear to me that you were only using me for the thrill of winning a trophy. I would know that there is nothing about me as a person that you actually love. How could I come to any other conclusion when I never do anything to show you that I love you and yet you hang around anyway? 

I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm giving you some insight on how that kind of man thinks. 

If you are ok with that, then have at it and have fun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Oh wow. That was a really good post. He says things to me repeatedly like "why didn't you leave as soon as I said I love you but then immediately snuck out and flirted with that other girl?" Repeatedly says I have no backbone and would never leave him, "just like you took a year to leave your ex-fiancé even though he was beating the sh*t out of you." (I hate the insensitive way he brings up my past.)

He keeps saying "I am a liar, I sneak behind axis to flirt, I did it with my last relationship too, I'm not going to change, so why are you clinging on to me?" this is crazy. Why did he even let this relationship get so far (2 years) and ever even claim he was going to marry me someday??


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

learning112 said:


> He keeps saying "I am a liar, I sneak behind axis to flirt, I did it with my last relationship too, I'm not going to change, so why are you clinging on to me?" this is crazy. *Why did he even let this relationship get so far (2 years) and ever even claim he was going to marry me someday??*


He didn't "let the relationship get this far". He is using you. He is telling you this. He has no interest in treating you well. He's willing to tolerate you to get some things that he wants, like sex and someone to pay rent and parking. 

It isn't his job to determine your life out for you, it's not his job to choose your future. His job is to decide whether or not the relationship is working for him. It is, at least so far.

Your job is to determine your own life. The real question is, why did YOU let the relationship get this far? Why are YOU willing to stay with an insensitive guy who uses you, berates you, lies to you about putting you on a lease but is happy to have your money for the apartment and his parking, etc?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

learning112 said:


> He says things to me repeatedly like "why didn't you leave as soon as I said I love you but then immediately snuck out and flirted with that other girl?" Repeatedly says I have no backbone and would never leave him, "just like you took a year to leave your ex-fiancé even though he was beating the sh*t out of you." (I hate the insensitive way he brings up my past.)
> 
> He keeps saying "I am a liar, I sneak behind axis to flirt, I did it with my last relationship too, I'm not going to change, so why are you clinging on to me?"


Wow he hates you, doesn't he? I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings. But it's palpable. In his eyes, you're a clingy, needy girl. He merely tolerates you. 

Do you need a hand-engraved invitation to leave? He has given you many invitations to leave. Time to RSVP hell yes. There are lots of disturbing things about this whole situation, but for me, the most disturbing is that he's telling you. He's not even hiding it. And you're not listening. 

You are in this with your eyes wide open. If you continue with this charade of a relationship, you will have to accept part of the blame for staying. Time to show him that backbone he accuses you of not having.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” 

― Maya Angelou 

This is all there is to say.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

lucy999 said:


> Wow he hates you, doesn't he? I'm not saying that to hurt your feelings. But it's palpable. In his eyes, you're a clingy, needy girl. He merely tolerates you.



I don't think it's hate, but he certainly thinks she's an imbecile.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Well I tried to take him at face value when (after over a year( I cried and said "not sure if we're on the same page " and he responded "I do love you, I want marriage and kids with you when I'm ready." But I found it hard to trust when he immediately snuck out to try to meet a girl at bar and kept flirting with her & now he tells me "you should've left me right then... Didn't that prove to u it wasn't true love"


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i cant even think poorly of the guy... 

he has told you exactly what he thinks of you the entire time. you have pretty much told him with your actions that you want to be his toy.

WTF?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Get away from him. He is abusive.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think As'la Dain said it best. Why would this man have any interest in a woman who wants him for his job title, the way he dresses and has no self respect. Why?

He has told her to leave but she stays. I am being to see his honesty to her. He is telling her every truth in this situation; he will never stop chasing other women, he has no time for her, he does not care or value her.

Yet, the missed guided girl keeps following him around,begging for love. Holding to the one time he said I llove you but.... I think she is happy being treated this way, why else would she stay?

I wonder about her relationship with her father? 

She needs a therapist. 

I am not writing to her because soon there will be 100 pages here on TAM debating, "but he told me he loves me, want to marry me and have babies with me. That means something right? He must love me if he said those things? So, why is he seeing and texting other women?"

I love you guys on TAM. You never give up on anyone. Always trying to get someone to see the light and walk into the light. Me I get impatient when people can't seem to understand what everyone is telling them what the right thing to is. I'll keep reading and hoping.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Well I tried to take him at face value when (after over a year( I cried and said "not sure if we're on the same page " and he responded "I do love you, I want marriage and kids with you when I'm ready." But I found it hard to trust when he immediately snuck out to try to meet a girl at bar and kept flirting with her & now he tells me "you should've left me right then... Didn't that prove to u it wasn't true love"


Words mean nothing if they are not backed up by actions.

Always trust the actions.

If the words do not match the actions, trust the actions. The words are just garbage he throws out.

If words match actions, then trust them both.



learning112 said:


> Well I tried to take him at face value when (after over a year( I cried and said "not sure if we're on the same page " and he responded "I do love you, I want marriage and kids with you when I'm ready." But I found it hard to trust when he immediately snuck out to try to meet a girl at bar and kept flirting with her


People act based on their true feelings. His true feelings are that he does not love you and is cheating on you.

So his “I love you” is a smoke screen used so that he can shut you up long enough from crying so that he does not have to put up with your silly crying and complaining.
Then he did what he feels… he went out with another woman. Clearly this action shows that he does not love you.



learning112 said:


> & now he tells me "you should've left me right then... Didn't that prove to u it wasn't true love"


And look here… his words match his actions.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So I shouldn't have just let it go? When he finally told me he loved me after a year and said he wanted to marry me, then immediately texted another girl and tried to meet up w her at a bar at midnight, then kept flirting w her for a while? And deleted her texts/saved them under a guys name.. And he'd done the same thing once before when he delayed our date night to meet up w a single girl friend who asked him to come get a drink at work event and texted "was hoping you'd take me home after ". I was bothered then that he lied and said he'd come right from work, and that he deleted the texts - he felt they were something to hide?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I think you're right. I mean, a guy who really never makes plans with me, goes along for the ride, doesn't really tell me much about himself /family/his life or ask me about mine... It got confusing after a year though, because we were still together and then he finally said "I love you and I do want to marry you" back. But he only said it bc I had been upset and told him "I don't think we're on the same page." could he really have meant it when he immediately tried to meet up with another girl at a bar and continued to flirt/ask her for pics/ said they'll drink at her apartment together when she's back in town, for weeks??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Are you reading any of the rather blatant advice here? Or are you just messing with us?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I can't believe this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I think you're right. I mean, a guy who really never makes plans with me, goes along for the ride, doesn't really tell me much about himself /family/his life or ask me about mine... It got confusing after a year though, because we were still together and then he finally said "I love you and I do want to marry you" back. But he only said it bc I had been upset and told him "I don't think we're on the same page." could he really have meant it when he immediately tried to meet up with another girl at a bar and continued to flirt/ask her for pics/ said they'll drink at her apartment together when she's back in town, for weeks??


Why do you even question that his actions are clearly stating that he could care less about you????

Yea, he might like having someone around he can have sex with. But that's about all you could possibly be to him. Even the men here are saying the same thing.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

If he'd texted a girl to go out that night, fine. But you really think it's fine for him to continue flirting, asking her for pics, and saying he'll definitely come over and drink at her apartment with her Once she's back in town? And he kept deleting the texts or changing her name to a guy friends. All this after telling me "I love you" for first tiMe which I think may ha e been just to play along since he'd never said it, or anything nice like it, in over a year of dating
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

*Go back and read YOUR OWN posts as if they were written by your little sister*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> If he'd texted a girl to go out that night, fine.* But you really think it's fine for him to continue flirting*, asking her for pics, and saying he'll definitely come over and drink at her apartment with her Once she's back in town? And he kept deleting the texts or changing her name to a guy friends. All this after telling me "I love you" for first tiMe which I think may ha e been just to play along since he'd never said it, or anything nice like it, in over a year of dating


I do not understand this post at all. Who said any of that is fine? 

NO ONE SAID THAT.

Every poster on this thread has that any of his behavior is fine. We have all said that his behavior towards you is awful. His relationship with other women are awful.

But for some reason you want to be treated this way. I don't get it. But apparently you like being disrespected and treated like trash.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)




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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The OP is just trying to keep the thread going at this point I think, but running out of ideas.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I just need to figure out what I did to deserve him turning on me so badly. From the beginning it was maybe 1 text a day from him, no calls, I planned and initiated the vast majority of activities. But I was unhappy from the first time he lied about working late & thus being late for our date night... When he actually met coworkers up for a drink when this one single girl friend texted him (and she also said "was hoping you'd take me home after  ). The fact that he lied repeatedly to my face, "oh I came right home after work," and then deleted her texts behind my back... I felt like, if he was lying and sneaking about something minor, then maybe he'd do it with major things later too.

By the time we'd been dating over a year and he wouldn't say "I love you" or even anything else nice really, and refused/got mad about having any sort of discussion about future... I just couldn't help but be insecure I'm sorry  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

learning112 said:


> So I shouldn't have just let it go? When he finally told me he loved me after a year and said he wanted to marry me, then immediately texted another girl and tried to meet up w her at a bar at midnight, then kept flirting w her for a while? And deleted her texts/saved them under a guys name.. And he'd done the same thing once before when he delayed our date night to meet up w a single girl friend who asked him to come get a drink at work event and texted "was hoping you'd take me home after ". I was bothered then that he lied and said he'd come right from work, and that he deleted the texts - he felt they were something to hide?





learning112 said:


> I just need to figure out what I did to deserve him turning on me so badly. From the beginning it was maybe 1 text a day from him, no calls, I planned and initiated the vast majority of activities. But I was unhappy from the first time he lied about working late & thus being late for our date night... When he actually met coworkers up for a drink when this one single girl friend texted him (and she also said "was hoping you'd take me home after  ). The fact that he lied repeatedly to my face, "oh I came right home after work," and then deleted her texts behind my back... I felt like, if he was lying and sneaking about something minor, then maybe he'd do it with major things later too.
> 
> By the time we'd been dating over a year and he wouldn't say "I love you" or even anything else nice really, and refused/got mad about having any sort of discussion about future... I just couldn't help but be insecure I'm sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're just posting the same stuff over and over. What exactly are you expecting here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I just need to figure out what I did to deserve him turning on me so badly. From the beginning it was maybe 1 text a day from him, no calls, I planned and initiated the vast majority of activities. But I was unhappy from the first time he lied about working late & thus being late for our date night... When he actually met coworkers up for a drink when this one single girl friend texted him (and she also said "was hoping you'd take me home after  ). The fact that he lied repeatedly to my face, "oh I came right home after work," and then deleted her texts behind my back... I felt like, if he was lying and sneaking about something minor, then maybe he'd do it with major things later too.


What is there to figure out? I can tell you exactly what you did wrong.

He and he alone is responsible for his mistreatment of you. He’s not a good person. He’s an emotionally abusive person. But he did not turn on you. He has always mistreated you. 

What you did wrong is what you are still going. You allowed him to mistreat you. The first time he did you should have walked away and never looked back. He’s big time loser. Instead you just stay, you let him mistreat you. Then you stay and act like a victim. He knows that he can treat you like crap because you stick around. You have taught him that you will put up with any crap that he dishes out. The more he dishes out the more you love him, the more addicted to him you get, and the more you let him abuse you. YOU ARE THE ONE TIH THE PROBLEM.



learning112 said:


> By the time we'd been dating over a year and he wouldn't say "I love you" or even anything else nice really, and refused/got mad about having any sort of discussion about future... I just couldn't help but be insecure I'm sorry  \


Yes you can help being insecure. Feeling secure does not come from without…. it comes from within. You were insecure before you met him. He picked you because you are insecure. Why? Because he needs an insecure woman to abuse. It makes him feel superior. He has to feel superior to a woman to prove to himself that he’s a “man”. And you allow this.

Do you know what the difference is between a woman who is in an abusive relationship and one who is not? 
The one who is not in an abusive relationship does not stick around the first time she is mistreated. She’s smart enough to walk away. She has very strong boundaries. 
The one who is in an abusive relationship stays with the guy even after he abuses her. She stays time and time again.. Sometimes after hundreds of abuses. She makes excuses for his mad behavior. She keeps t thinking that she’s the problem.. if only she can think of the magic behavior that will get him to stop, he will magically stop. Why? Because she has no boundaries.

You have a big problem. He’s really not the problem. You are. You are the problem because you have taught him to mistreat you. You allow it. If you do not have the strength to walk away from this awful relationship NOW, get into counseling to learn how to love yourself, set boundaries and not be in this kind of relationship.
You need serious counseling/therapy.

By the way, he will treat any woman who he is in a relationship with the same way he treats you. After you leave him, he will just look for another woman who lets him mistreat her.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

learning112 said:


> I just need to figure out what I did to deserve him turning on me so badly.


You will never, ever get answers. The minute you stop seeking answers is the minute you'll wake up and realize he's a Grade A Douche and you'll leave him.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> learning112 said:
> 
> 
> > I just need to figure out what I did to deserve him turning on me so badly.
> ...


Agreed. Been there with first serious boyfriend turned husband. Spent years trying to figure out how he could treat me so badly yet tell me he loved me as soon as I made signs of leaving. All of a sudden he couldn't live without me. Then as soon as I was back under his control the abusive behavior started all over again. 
It took great inner strength and some wonderful friends to give me the courage to finally walk away. That, and him hitting me for the first time. That was the line for me obviously. Never looked back after that.
OP, don't wait that long!!!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

*Post title and question: Is this going nowhere?

Answer: Yes*


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your question: what did I do wrong for him to treat me so bad?

Answer: you stayed. You stayed when he made plan to meet other women.

You stayed when he texted and flirted with other women.

You stay when he gave you none of His time.

You stayed when he put no effort in the relationship that only you were having.

You stayed when he told you what he was; lying, cheating, no comminment and no emotional attachment.

You stayed when he gave you 2 bits of crumbs. "I want to marry .......and I love you".

And most of all you stayed even when he asked why you were still there.

This is why you deserve him treating you the way he does.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I think you're all right, and all I really did "wrong" was choosing the Wrong person.
When I look at photos of my ex, I see someone who objectively isn't physically attractive to me. In real life, I was drawn to him/felt amazing chemistry bc on the first date, was very smooth and all over me, clearly wanting to come in, acting very confident and like he'd done this before, and- this is a big one- I'd perceived during the date that he wasn't a sweet or "nice" guy, didn't seem concerned with truly starting to get to know me or telling me anything beyond superficial about him, didn't seem concerned with whether he was making a good impression on me. And he had the "right" job box checked off on my checklist (ie he basically has my own job). if he'd messaged me on a dating site, I highly doubt I would've responded bc 1) when I look at photos of my ex, I don't find him super attractive and 2) I guarantee his conversation would've bored me, as it so often did in real life, never scratching the surface of superficial. 

But even when it became clear he wasn't that into me and we didn't have a "deep" connection, some part of me wanted to continue with him because I felt almost relieved that I could be with someone good on the surface and didn't have to be "alone," yet I also didn't have to form a true, deep connection or intimacy with a guy, which is a thought that kind of turns me off and makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather worry about whether he's flirting with other girls than spend time with a nice guy who's really trying to connect with me.

What is wrong with me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are calling him your ex? Did you leave him since you started this thread?

Have you ever lived on your own? If so for how long?

I think you would benefit from counseling. You need to find out why you got caught up in this kind of non-relationship. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you just have no boundaries?

Or some other reason? 

You need to figure it out and fix it so that you can have a good relationship with a man who cares in the future.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I am a disgusting, messed-up person who ruined her relationship with a good, normal guy by being all bothered that he hadn't said "I love you" or really told me anything else sweet after over a year. And by being all upset just bc he snuck around with that one girl and deleted texts/flirted/asked her for pics. Obviously every man is bound to do something like that sooner or later!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I just look at the sadness in his eyes and how he no longer avoids me, but instead tells me it's been hard to concentrate on work (which was always his "priority"), and my heart melts. I just want to know how to bridge the gap between us and make him want me back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

This has to be a troll thread, seriously.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Ok learning I dont think i can read anymore. On one hand you came here asking is this going nowhere? which tells me you know that there is a problem. Then in the second post you defend him. Then in every post after that you justify why what he is doing is ok. And from some of your responses I can only ask who damaged you so badly that you think being treated this way is acceptable and what did they do to you? I'm afraid you may be in for the long haul too and that makes me sad. I hope the light bulb comes on before you get pregnant. Good luck


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Blaine said:


> And from some of your responses I can only ask who damaged you so badly that you think being treated this way is acceptable and what did they do to you?


I don't know. I was physically & emotionally abused by an Ex whom I was with for a long time when we were 
younger. I'm not expecting some dream perfect relationship. If the guy is like my current one, who looks great on paper and has some guy friends who think he's decent and I can clearly tell he doesn't care that much about me or anyone else (how can I feel bad when his own sister also says she feels he's forgotten the family & he hasn't bothered to see them in 12 years?), that's all I'm asking for. And it's not like my man and I have no good times. It is so exciting and great chemistry when he does seem to choose me. I think it is just my fault for him being angry because I wanted to bring up him not saying "I love you" back or really making any serious or loving comments at all about me or his intentions on his own. Currently he tells me I'm bad because I don't trust him enough but it was just hard for me given the Above plus him sneaking and deleting texts several times (that I know of)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Well its starting to make sense now. Tell me something how would u feel if he was the dream bf and treated u perfect BUT he was mean and cruel to everyone else? Would that be ok? Would that tell you he has something wrong or would you think that is ok? First he should not be telling you that you are "bad" for anything especially feelings. (we can control actions not feelings) Second sneaking is a sign he doesnt care about u. Third you can NOT "fix" him. You cant fix anyone but urself. I do hope you will consider getting some help for what you have been through and I wish you the best of luck because you deserve to be happy.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

learning112 said:


> Obviously every man is bound to do something like that sooner or later!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WRONG!

You need to get your picker fixed. Your low self esteem broke it.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

But don't you find it strange that my BF would even "play along" for 2 years if he didn't really love and care for me? Granted, I was always the one who had to bring everything up first- whether we were exclusive, saying "I love you," asking where he saw himself or us in a few years. But I thought him going along for the ride and occasionally saying "yes I'll marry you eventually, You just need to stop asking and trust me to do so," meant that he must actually mean it. Unless he was just trying to appease me and say what he needed to keep me around. But why keep me around unless he loved me? Although he did have me paying half his rent. He called me neurotic and not trusting of him, but it was hard with the examples I gave in my other posts coupled with the fact that he just didn't seem that into me, making me part of his day, caring if I was around, wanting to open up to me and get to know me deeply too.

On the second date he originally just suggested I come over his place and "watch a movie"; I texted back that I wasn't just interested in a hookup, at which point he changed the plan to ice cream. But after like 15 minutes of talking (I didn't feel he was super interested in getting to know me, he announces "let's get out of here" and takes me back to his place to sleep with him anyhow. Even early dating was him rarely texting, never calling, never planning dates in advance but just going along with what I suggested occasionally (like "you want me to come to your friends party? Do you want to meet there or drive together?" And that was us seeing each other over weekend)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

i really need to know it wasn't my "fault." I (and he) kept blaming me for being "insecure" and "not trusting." But looking back, isn't it pretty hard to trust someone who does what he did, and DIdNt do things like picking up the phone to call (ever), or ask questions to really get to know me, or tell me about his day? (He once said "that's small talk. I find it pointless to speak unless there's something significant to be said." And then wouldn't speak to me the entire night. And this is when he wasn't "mad" at me for anything , so imagine the days of silence I got when he WAS!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> But don't you find it strange that my BF would even "play along" for 2 years if he didn't really love and care for me?


Nope, it's not strange at all, sadly. There are some guys who are like this. I'm sure that there are women like this too.

They keep someone around because they do not want to be alone, because they like having someone who abuse and control. Yes some people get a feeling of power and being superiors by abusing and controlling others. But at the same time they grow to greatly dislike the very person who the want to keep around. They tend to cheat often.

For him it's not about living and caring for you; it's about him having someone who he uses to fill the void in himself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> i really need to know it wasn't my "fault." I (and he) kept blaming me for being "insecure" and "not trusting." But looking back, isn't it pretty hard to trust someone who does what he did, and DIdNt do things like picking up the phone to call (ever), or ask questions to really get to know me, or tell me about his day? (He once said "that's small talk. I find it pointless to speak unless there's something significant to be said." And then wouldn't speak to me the entire night. And this is when he wasn't "mad" at me for anything , so imagine the days of silence I got when he WAS!)


His behavior is not your fault. You are not to blame for what he did.

What is our doing is that you stayed with him when you should have run the first time he behaved like this.

You said that one time he invited your over and you told him no because you did not want to have sex. So he took you out for ice cream.. then the took you home for sex. Why did you let that happen? Why did you go along with him taking you to his place when that's not what you wanted?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Elegirl you make good points. I went along with the very early sex because I thought maybe he'd open up and make a connection and start loving me over time. But I just felt he made minimum effort to keep me around. Such as it being over a year before he finally says "I love you" back only bc I brought it up again-- and then he immediately tried to sneak out with another girl at midnight. It's like he could barely choke out the words before having to betray me. Is that the incident u were referring to when you said I should've left the first time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Ok. No one spends 2 years with you and lives with you then kicks you out!!! Come on. You have to realize that'd be ridiculous unless there's something very wrong with me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Learning they do it all the time, thats y the divorce rate is 50%. Some people are just waiting for something better to come along.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Blaine,you're right. I'm just not sure what I did. It seemed like after I caught him sneaking (flirting, asking for pics, trying to meet up with girl behind my back) and he refused to apologize ever (said "you can keep effing waiting!)... And after he realized that I was going to want commitment (like engagement) and wouldn't wait for years, seems he dropped me like a hot potato as soon as it wasn't easy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Glad to know he left you. It's the best thing that could have ever happen to you. Now you can start working on yourself and get stronger. Understand who you are and what you want in life and in a partner.

Stop asking why he left he, why he didn't love me, wasn't I good enough, whats wrong with me.

You are never going to get an answer because he does not care to give you one. Nor does he feel he owes you one. 

So start standing up for yourself. Start living life for you. You are young, intelligent and full of life. Go forth and enjoy it.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vulcanized (Aug 13, 2013)

learning112 said:


> Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Translation: I want to be free to do what I want. Please sit around waiting for me to be plan B, in case I decide I want you back.

Thank him for cutting you loose & run like hell.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Vulcanized said:


> learning112 said:
> 
> 
> > Now he says he regrets the way he's done things, he isn't ready to get married right now, needs time alone and space "to process things, and then we'll talk." Gave me a big hug.
> ...


I Second that motion.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I don't think you're right- even in last month while I was living there with us "broken up," he came straight home each night and just absorbed himself in work or an occasional movie all night. He said himself yesterday he doesn't think he would ever find better than me and isn't Looking to date anyone else. I think he's just a commitment phobe guy and now that he has freedom and I'm gone, he'll truly start to miss me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

What disorder does he have? Not seeing his family in 12 years and his sister begging me to make him care, staring at the wall and refusing to speak to me for days bc I brought up something when I can possibly meet his family or move in together. What disorder makes him finally tell me he loves me back after over a year, then immediately have to sneak with another girl? Why did he tell me "don't touch me" & get all angry that I brought up how he never apologized for his sneaking... But now he looks sad & gives me a long hug & says he needs time alone & then we can talk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He did give me a hug and say we'll talk after he has time to process things alone and he looked really sad. This is better than In past, where wxery conflict he stared at wall and ignores me for days without saying "we'll talk after I have alone time to process ok?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I feel like I'm the one who was wrong because I was overbearing, always anxious. It was just hard not to be when he hadn't said "I love you" or really talked about the future, even in general terms, after over a year, and forget me meeting his family or Skyping with them (they're in q foreign country) or anything.... And when e finally said he loved me and wanted to marry me he immediately snuck off to meet a girl at a bar at midnight. So he's partially to blame too. I just want to know what to say once we finally talk again to make him realize I've changed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me? Bc he never, ever brought up future in any way unless I kept asking, and he hadn't said "I love you" after 14 months, and when I said this bugged me, he said it back and immediately tried to sneak out w another girl. It was confusing bc he would on occasion spend time w my family, Though he never introduced me to his. Really, right from first date he was trying hard to get me into bed & didn't initiate any sort of meaningful convo beyond our career paths. He never ever called, only texted. For our second date, best he could do was invite me over to watch q movie. But it got confusing bc eventually he did let me hang out around his friends, and you know he let me Move into his place too. So why do those things, but also not seem super interested?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

learning112 said:


> So, do you think it's possible that even though we were in a relationship for 2 years, he was just using me & never had any intent of marrying me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



YES.

ETA: Not only possible but PROBABLE.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> YES.
> 
> ETA: Not only possible but PROBABLE.


Based on what? The fact he never really cared to ask questions about my future, My Goals, or even my day? The fact that he told me nothing about himself as a person and definitely never facilitated me meeting his family? He went home to see them for first time in 12 years and made excuses about why I couldn't come- but also couldn't Skype w them, or anything else. Then he Fonally lets me talk to his sister on FB and she begs me to make him care about their family. I guess if he only says "I love you and want to marry you someday" back after 14 months bc I said it bothered me, then immediately tried to sneak out with another girl at midnight, is that why you think he wasn't serious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Yes. It's quite obvious. Don't you? Let him go.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> Based on what? The fact he never really cared to ask questions about my future, My Goals, or even my day? The fact that he told me nothing about himself as a person and definitely never facilitated me meeting his family? He went home to see them for first time in 12 years and made excuses about why I couldn't come- but also couldn't Skype w them, or anything else. Then he Fonally lets me talk to his sister on FB and she begs me to make him care about their family. I guess if he only says "I love you and want to marry you someday" back after 14 months bc I said it bothered me, then immediately tried to sneak out with another girl at midnight, is that why you think he wasn't serious?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Based on the fact that he seemed to prioritize just about Everyone and everything in his life above you. I read one post where he basically said you weren't worth more than 5 minutes of his time on any given day?

I'm glad you broke up with him(I hope).


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I think he broke up with her :/


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Yes, and then after, looking sad and saying "I'm just not ready to get married or engaged now, I have no idea when I will be, I just need space to process this and then we can talk..." But I have no idea what to say to him or when. 

If I had come here & said "after 14 months I brought up how he still hasn't said I love you, but then my BF said 'I do love you & will marry you someday whenever I decide the time is right'"... Everyone would've been all, wow, what a committed guy. Yet excuse me for not trusting him when he said those things, I gave him a big hug, and then he immediately tried to sneak to a bar with a single girl behind my back- he'd been flirting, asked her for pics, and of course I had no clue she even existed at the time. Does that really make him seem sincere? And he said "keep effing waiting if you think I'll ever apologize for that"- so how can I trust him really
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Thankfully you only had two years into this. Hope you learned alot.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

learning112 said:


> Yes, and then after, looking sad and saying "I'm just not ready to get married or engaged now, I have no idea when I will be, I just need space to process this and then we can talk..." But I have no idea what to say to him or when.
> 
> *If I had come here & said "after 14 months I brought up how he still hasn't said I love you, but then my BF said 'I do love you & will marry you someday whenever I decide the time is right'"... Everyone would've been all, wow, what a committed guy. *Yet excuse me for not trusting him when he said those things, I gave him a big hug, and then he immediately tried to sneak to a bar with a single girl behind my back- he'd been flirting, asked her for pics, and of course I had no clue she even existed at the time. Does that really make him seem sincere? And he said "keep effing waiting if you think I'll ever apologize for that"- so how can I trust him really
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I don't think everyone would have said "wow what a commited guy" I think they would have said why are you waiting around for a guy that had to be badgered into saying it in the first place.

You are either being sarcastic in all this going round and round asking these questions to which the answer is obvious or you are oblivious:

He doesn't love you he never has, he is not going to marry you. His comment that you pay half the rent is the answer to why he is with you at all, you pay half the rent and give him sex and have really low expectations.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Well I think he only snuck behind my back because he was feeling fear of commitment. I just thought after over a year, he would say "I love you" and bring up future even in very general terms like "I could see us getting engaged within the next couple of years" (he'd never commit to AnY time frame, even though I had to start making career decisions that's involve sacrifice of what's best for my career to stay close to him), or "I think I want a big family someday, what about you?" Or ANYthing.

So maybe he's taking time to "process" all our fights about getting married to become more comfortable and decide what he really wanted? Because I just can't understand why he'd spend 2 years with me but then drop me because I want some sort of general time line of future (not to get married or have kids this year or anything)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

learning112 said:


> Well I think he only snuck behind my back because he was feeling fear of commitment. I just thought after over a year, he would say "I love you" and bring up future even in very general terms like "I could see us getting engaged within the next couple of years" (he'd never commit to AnY time frame, even though I had to start making career decisions that's involve sacrifice of what's best for my career to stay close to him), or "I think I want a big family someday, what about you?" Or ANYthing.
> 
> *So maybe he's taking time to "process" all our fights about getting married to become more comfortable and decide what he really wanted? Because I just can't understand why he'd spend 2 years with me but then drop me because I want some sort of general time line of future (not to get married or have kids this year or anything)*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah that is totally it. You should start planning the wedding an decorating the nursery he will come around any day now. :slap:


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Please seek some counseling ASAP. If you don't you will either end up miserable waiting around for this man who doesn't really love you (a man in love does not do any of the things you have described) or with an abuser. If you can't see why this relationship was not good then you need help. Even he knew he wasn't good to you, why can't you see it?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

My prior ex was both verbally and physically abusive. I really don't see why you're claiming my more recent guy "wasn't good for me." For waiting until 14 months to say he loved me & then immediately sneaking out w some single girl to a bar at midnight behind my back? That was 1 time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

My prior ex was both verbally and physically abusive. I really don't see why you're claiming my more recent guy "wasn't good for me." For waiting until 14 months to say he loved me & then immediately sneaking out w some single girl to a bar at midnight behind my back? That was 1 time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

learning112 said:


> My prior ex was both verbally and physically abusive. I really don't see why you're claiming my more recent guy "wasn't good for me." For waiting until 14 months to say he loved me & then immediately sneaking out w some single girl to a bar at midnight behind my back? That was 1 time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, this more recent guy is better than your abusive prior ex. You have to admit, the bar was pretty low. 

My guess is that the recent guy new that he couldn't or shouldn't keep you hanging forever. For some reason, you were a good friend with benefits who paid half the rent. You loved him and are now trying to analyze want went wrong... what you could have done differently. You might be an amazing lady, but for whatever reason, he was not really into you. If he was, he would also want a commitment from you. 

Don't sell yourself so short and although you will not be happy at me for saying this, he actually doing you a favor by ending this before more of your time is lost. Time to find someone with whom there is near equal mutual interest in each other.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

This can't be my life. Spending 2 years with a man who kicks me to the curb for what? Well, I told you he tried breaking up w me about once per 2 months because he thought I wanted to get married way sooner than his time frame- which, by the way, he had no time frame- any time I asked he'd say "I don't know, I'll let you know when I'm ready." Ok. What did I do wrong to deserve being tossed aside like garbage? He told me he loved Me and I had to trust that he'd marry me someday, and if I needed a more specific time frame then perhaps I should just leave him. He didn't even care on a daily basis- wouldn't spend 10 minutes a night looking up from his extra work projects to get dinner together, or go for a walk, or come to bed with me. What makes me so horrific that he'd treat his girlfriend like this? And what do I say to him later, since he said he just needs space to process everything w the constant fights about marriage and then we'll talk? I still think it's stupid because they shouldn't have been fights- he couldn't even discuss future in general terms without getting mad and ignoring me for days, staring at wall. It's so wrong to want to know if he thinks a few more years, 5 years, etc before he's ready to get married? He thinks he should just keep me paying half his rent & having sex with him totally indefinitely?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

OP, how old are you?

You have VERY, VERY, VERY low standards. 

You teach people how to treat you. What you did wrong was tolerating his abuse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Based on what? The fact he never really cared to ask questions about my future, My Goals, or even my day? The fact that he told me nothing about himself as a person and definitely never facilitated me meeting his family? He went home to see them for first time in 12 years and made excuses about why I couldn't come- but also couldn't Skype w them, or anything else. Then he Fonally lets me talk to his sister on FB and she begs me to make him care about their family. I guess if he only says "I love you and want to marry you someday" back after 14 months bc I said it bothered me, then immediately tried to sneak out with another girl at midnight, is that why you think he wasn't serious?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Based on what? There is not one thing that you have told us about him that show that he cared for you.

On the 2nd date he asked you over to his place.. that meant that he saw you as nothing more than something to use for sex. Men ask women to their place when the men want to screw them. Having sex means only that he wanted sex. IT does not mean that he cared for you.

He does not care about his family. We do not know why. But clearly he does not.

If he cannot find the love to care about his family, he probably cannot find the love to care about anyone else either.

He cheated on you. Isn't that enough to let you know what he did not care about you?

Are you in counseling? You REALLY need counseling. If you cannot understand clearly that this guy was using you and did not care, then there is something wrong with your ability to see reality.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> My prior ex was both verbally and physically abusive. *I really don't see why you're claiming my more recent guy "wasn't good for me."* For waiting until 14 months to say he loved me & then immediately sneaking out w some single girl to a bar at midnight behind my back? That was 1 time


The fact that you cannot see why he is/was bad for you is why you are in desperate need of counseling. Seriously, please get into counseling and get help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are doing something that is pretty typical.

First you had a boy friend how was physically abusive and finally that relationship ends.

Then you started another relationship with a man who was not physically abusive... so you think that's cool, he's not physically abusive. But he's emotionally abusive. But because he's not physically abusive you think he's wonderful.

From the first guy you learned to recognize and avoid physical abuse.

This more recent guy is another one of your major life's lessons. You now know what emotional abuse looks like and feels like. Now learn to avoid emotionally abusive men.

Please get counseling. There is something seriously wrong with your man-picker and with your ability to understand interactions in relationships.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> This can't be my life. Spending 2 years with a man who kicks me to the curb for what? Well, I told you he tried breaking up w me about once per 2 months because he thought I wanted to get married way sooner than his time frame- which, by the way, he had no time frame- any time I asked he'd say "I don't know, I'll let you know when I'm ready." Ok. What did I do wrong to deserve being tossed aside like garbage? He told me he loved Me and I had to trust that he'd marry me someday, and if I needed a more specific time frame then perhaps I should just leave him. He didn't even care on a daily basis- wouldn't spend 10 minutes a night looking up from his extra work projects to get dinner together, or go for a walk, or come to bed with me. What makes me so horrific that he'd treat his girlfriend like this? And what do I say to him later, since he said he just needs space to process everything w the constant fights about marriage and then we'll talk? I still think it's stupid because they shouldn't have been fights- he couldn't even discuss future in general terms without getting mad and ignoring me for days, staring at wall. It's so wrong to want to know if he thinks a few more years, 5 years, etc before he's ready to get married? He thinks he should just keep me paying half his rent & having sex with him totally indefinitely?


What's wrong with you?

Why aren't you asking what's wrong with him? Why didn't he see how wonderfully you are? Why didn't he see that you would make a wonderful wife and mother? Why would decide to only use you for sex and to help him pay his rent?

I can think of two reasons.

1) He has some kind of mental health issue, may be he's a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. All of these disorders lead to a person using other humans as tools to get what they want.. someone to have sex with when he wants it.

2) you have such low self esteem that you made is easy for him to use you. You would stay around regardless of what he did because your self esteem is so low that you do not even realize that it's wrong for a man to treat you like this.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I can think of two reasons.
> 
> 1) He has some kind of mental health issue, may be he's a sociopath, psychopath or narcissist. All of these disorders lead to a person using other humans as tools to get what they want.. someone to have sex with when he wants it.
> 
> 2) you have such low self esteem that you made is easy for him to use you. You would stay around regardless of what he did because your self esteem is so low that you do not even realize that it's wrong for a man to treat you like this.


I feel like you're dead on... When his best buddy said "oh you're moving in together! Might as well get a ring & make it official?" My BF ignored second part & texted back simply, "I'm warming up to the idea- it'll be nice to pay only half rent lol." And he said "you have such terrible self esteem, you stuck around even after I said I loved you for first Time and then immediately tried to sneak out with another girl behind your back, why did you stay then? Same reason you stayed when your other ex was beating the s**t out of you"

But now that we've had a few weeks apart, maybe if I reach out and say the right thing the ugliness will disappear and we can get back together... But what is that right thing to say??? Only thing he said was "you just want to get married sooner than Me" so if I told him I've missed him so much that marriage isn't what's important now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

learning112 said:


> I feel like you're dead on... When his best buddy said "oh you're moving in together! Might as well get a ring & make it official?" My BF ignored second part & texted back simply, "I'm warming up to the idea- it'll be nice to pay only half rent lol." And he said "you have such terrible self esteem, you stuck around even after I said I loved you for first Time and then immediately tried to sneak out with another girl behind your back, why did you stay then? Same reason you stayed when your other ex was beating the s**t out of you"
> 
> But now that we've had a few weeks apart, maybe if I reach out and say the right thing the ugliness will disappear and we can get back together... But what is that right thing to say??? Only thing he said was "you just want to get married sooner than Me" so if I told him I've missed him so much that marriage isn't what's important now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wait, wait, wait...

Are you talking about getting back together with the guy that treats you like crap? The one who uses and manipulates you for sex and to pay his rent? All the while cheating on you, and admitting it because he knows you'll stick around and eventually kicked you to the curb?


Please don't tell me you're still thinking about that. This is what I would recommend you do..

1. Please seek counseling of some kind. I haven't read your whole thread, but you seem to have low self-esteem.

2. Take a break from relationships and work on building up your own self-esteem, confidence and being independent and able to function without a man in your life. I don't know if anyone has suggested this, but I think there is a book that might help you. It's called "Why Men marry *****es". I haven't read all of it, but I read some bits and pieces and I believe it would help you. 

3. You don't NEED a man. If he treats you like ****, kick HIM to the the curb. In my experience, woman who have self confidence and take care of themselves should have a decent amount of options. When you feel like you can survive without a man, and don't NEED them, then maybe find someone who will treat you as an equal. Not an income supplement and someone to give him sex when he's bored.


I know it's difficult, but you seem to mentally addicted and obsessed with this guy...always thinking he'll change and somehow your relationship will improve. Maybe if he says "someday I'll marry her" means that he'll someday be a decent guy and you'll be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not going to change. He sounds like a classic Sociopath.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I just started reading the book you suggested in #2- thanks! Overall I know he frequently tried to break up w me saying "let's be honest, you won't be happy just living with me for5 years without getting engaged, which is why I think we should go our separate ways." But other times he'd claim "it won't be that long," as long as I don't bring up the topic of marriage or any sort of timeline for when it might be a possibility- because he said that'll make him take longer for him to propose... It'll be better for me if I keep quiet about it. Anyhow when we finally talk again, I just wanted to convey that ill trust him to do it when the time is right and that marriage isn't even so important, having him is what matters. (Although it's hard bc I do want marriage, as well as a family, sooner than "5 years" from now. Not right this second though.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I just started reading the book you suggested in #2- thanks! Overall I know he frequently tried to break up w me saying "let's be honest, you won't be happy just living with me for5 years without getting engaged, which is why I think we should go our separate ways." But other times he'd claim "it won't be that long," as long as I don't bring up the topic of marriage or any sort of timeline for when it might be a possibility- because he said that'll make him take longer for him to propose... It'll be better for me if I keep quiet about it. Anyhow when we finally talk again, I just wanted to convey that ill trust him to do it when the time is right and that marriage isn't even so important, having him is what matters. (Although it's hard bc I do want marriage, as well as a family, sooner than "5 years" from now. Not right this second though.)


Why are you getting back with him? He's been seriously emotionally abusing you all along. Why don't you understand that?

What does having him matter? Why do you want to be with a man who openly cheats on you?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He wasn't bad. He just isn't the most emotionally warm and he snuck with that girl but that was only 1 girl for a few months and it's not like he actually slept w her or anything. I just would be happy to have him back. That would be mor than good enough for me- I'm not expecting perfection in life. I'm just clieless about what to say to make it happen!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

learning112 said:


> But now that we've had a few weeks apart, maybe *if I reach out and say the right thing the ugliness will disappear and we can get back together... But what is that right thing to say???* Only thing he said was "you just want to get married sooner than Me" so if I told him I've missed him so much that marriage isn't what's important now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are you compromising your desires and trying to mold yourself to what he wants? How about YOU decide what YOU want and if he's not on the same page, you leave him and find a better man that IS on the same page?

You are so dependent it's ridiculous. This guy doesn't fart rainbows.

I have a good friend. She was in a long term relationship with a guy that wouldn't commit to marry her. They lived pretty much as husband and wife, only thing is that she worshiped him so much because he was sexy and charismatic that she was always AFRAID of losing him. So she'd accept his sub-par treatment. 

Well, they had a very tumultuous break up that made her miserable... and as her friend, I consoled her for hours. No matter what, she wouldn't accept her girlfriends' advice about how awful this guy was to her self-esteem. He still texted her d1ck pics, saying it will always be there for her if she wants.... yeah, vomit!

It wasn't until she (in an obsessive spell) guessed his email password and read a slew of emails he was writing to all the women he was currently dating and bedding that she saw him use the same darling pet names that he used to use with her.

Well, guess how fast she got over him and has not had a single nice thing to say about him since.

Not every man that gives you tingles is going to be RIGHT for you. I have a very BAD feeling about this guy. I think you need to stay away from him permanently.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Update- I called him, he immediately answered and was telling me he misses me, and he doesn't want to rule out us Getting back together in future - but right now, only 3 weeks out, He hasn't had enough chance to fully process everything on his own yet. He doesn't want to "close the door" on us but just feels that seeing me at the moment would make it more complex to finish working through all his own issues in his head first. I told him I've changed since moving out bc I realize I'm happy and fulfilled on my own and not so needy. So maybe I'll just not contact him at all for a few weeks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

learning112 said:


> Update- I called him, he immediately answered and was telling me he misses me, and he doesn't want to rule out us Getting back together in future - but right now, only 3 weeks out, He hasn't had enough chance to fully process everything on his own yet. He doesn't want to "close the door" on us but just feels that seeing me at the moment would make it more complex to finish working through all his own issues in his head first. I told him I've changed since moving out bc I realize I'm happy and fulfilled on my own and not so needy. So maybe I'll just not contact him at all for a few weeks again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do not call him. Wait for him to contact you. He is expecting you to call again. He might even hook up with you & give you false hope. Don't call & don't see him. You need to avoid him. It will surprise him & if he misses you he will try to contact you but you still need to stay away. That's the only way to get him to decide if he wants you in his future. Let him see what it's like without you. Let him miss you. 

You need to focus on you & go to counseling. Do get busy with your life. Work on being a better you. Then if he does contact you he will notice how good you're doing without him. That may motivate him to be better to you. But if he doesn't then hopefully your self-respect will be higher & you will see that you deserve better - a man who will do anything to win you and give you the future you want instead of just "someday maybe"...


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Is this the boyfriend you posted about in this thread from 2 years ago?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-man-tell-parents-about-white-girlfriend.html


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Is this the boyfriend you posted about in this thread from 2 years ago?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-man-tell-parents-about-white-girlfriend.html


No but interestingly, this guy is also foreign and also has had zero plans for me to meet his family, leaving me wonder if he hasn't felt serious about me either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So do you think what he said on phone (and the mere fact that he answered and talked for an hour lol) was encouraging?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

How do you not realize he is saying these things to keep you around as a convenient option in case he needs to get laid?

You've been a convenience for him the whole time. Then you started asking him for a real commitment, so you became less convenient. But he could still use you as long as he could keep you on the hook by implying a future commitment. Which he did until he decided to get rid of you unless/until he wants his ego or his d*ck stroked and no one else is around to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> No but interestingly, this guy is also foreign and also has had zero plans for me to meet his family, leaving me wonder if he hasn't felt serious about me either.


Is this guy from India, southeast asia, middle east for some similar society? The guy a couple of years ago was, right?

Are you aware that most of the time those men look down on American women, consider them to be slvts and nothing more than entertainment until they decide to marry a proper woman from their own society? You are a toy to him and that's why he treats you as he does.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what happened to that guy from 2 years ago?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a video for you to watch. You'll need to watch the whole thing to get the message.

http://youtu.be/669II2eDQMg

If there is an ounce of chance that this guy actually cares for you, then if you do what this video says to do, you might have a chance.

You need to stop contacting him, stop chasing him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> So do you think what he said on phone (and the mere fact that he answered and talked for an hour lol) was encouraging?


Nope, not encouraging at all. He threw you a crumb so that when he's horny and some other woman is not around, he can call you and get you to go to his place for sex.

But right now he does not need you for sex because he has someone else.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

No. He just said recently "you know I'm not one of those guys who 'needs' sex. I'm just keeping to myself and processing things." And I know he's a loner. And At multiple points in our relationship he'd suddenly go months without sleeping with me- saying he was building the right foundation for marriage according to our religion, or whatever. I actually believe he's just taking time on his own and wants to sort through his thoughts on marriage and see that he actually misses Me- not just being with someone- and not just jump immediately back into our relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I don't want a normal man. I am ackn owledging that he is not, and that he's cold, but when he starts to break down even a tiny bit (like the phone call) I am thrilled and the highs are enough for me. So you're probably right- I'm asking for advice on how to get him back that most people can't provide bc they can't imagine what it feels like to be us. 

Anyone who has an idea of how I can get this strong, proud, independent but emotionally unavailable man back, I would be grateful to hear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have got to be kidding.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Learning,

Have you every lived in the country he came from?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

No it's in Aftica
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

learning112 said:


> No it's in Aftica


Does his wife live there as well?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Does his wife live there as well?


Ya know... this is a big possibility.


.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I tried to ask him if his mom had her own ideas about whom he should marry and that's why he didn't want me to meet or talk to her after 2 years. His response was to yell that I'm an ignorant American. I said "you've literally told me nothing about your family in 2 years so I'm just asking basic questions to try to gather Info." He sneered "well you keep asking the same question all night. Let's see where that gets you. Let's see if I'll respond." I started saying how I just wanted us to hVe an open honest convo... And he started doing this thing where he stared blankly at the wall or his laptop, pretending I didn't exist, all night long. Then ignored me for a full week when he went out of country to fix a "visa problem"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

learning112 said:


> I tried to ask him if his mom had her own ideas about whom he should marry and that's why he didn't want me to meet or talk to her after 2 years. His response was to yell that I'm an ignorant American. I said "you've literally told me nothing about your family in 2 years so I'm just asking basic questions to try to gather Info." *He sneered "well you keep asking the same question all night*. Let's see where that gets you. Let's see if I'll respond." I started saying how I just wanted us to hVe an open honest convo... And he started doing this thing where he stared blankly at the wall or his laptop, pretending I didn't exist, all night long. Then ignored me for a full week when he went out of country to fix a "visa problem"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You keep asking the same question here too. The answer is the same...This is going NOWHERE, he doesn't love you. You badgered him into saying it and we ALL know he snuck out to meet a girl at a bar at midnight after texting with her and on and on and on. Give it a rest, you seem to have a disorder of some kind or a comprehension problem. Give it a rest, the spin cycle your brain is stuck in is exhausting.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Well it's confusing bc yes he snuck out right after but then he kept saying me! And let me move in and went home with me for Christmas
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Ok, here is a surefire way to get him back......

Sleep with his best friend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Well it's confusing bc yes he snuck out right after but then he kept saying me! And let me move in and went home with me for Christmas


You seem to be missing a very important point that most people instantly know.

A person is only as good as the worst things they do.

A person is their behavior. Your ex's bad behavior is the real him.

You keep trying to make excuses for him bad behavior. It's like trying to cover up cow manure with perfume. It does not matter how much perfume you put on the manure, it still stinks like manure.

Another thing you seem to lack is the desire and ability to protect yourself from being abuse. It's like you wallow in it.

Please get counseling, please.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> Ok, here is a surefire way to get him back......
> 
> Sleep with his best friend.


Good lord don't give her bad ideas... she might do them. :surprise:


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

It might solve the problem.  

And on a serious note......she's ignoring all good advice anyway.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Would he respect me more if I said "it's not just my fault, because the very first time I brought up marriage- after over a year, which isn't even unreasonable- you tried right away to sneak behind my back with another girl"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

learning112 said:


> Would he respect me more if I said "it's not just my fault, because the very first time I brought up marriage- after over a year, which isn't even unreasonable- you tried right away to sneak behind my back with another girl"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesn't respect you in the first place and thus, can't respect you 'more.'

The only way you can earn one iota of respect from him is to never, ever contact him again. And even then, it's dicey.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Why in the world did he never respect me? I was good to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

learning112 said:


> He sneered "well you keep asking the same question all night.


We feel his pain.

Are you related to SMG15?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

learning112 said:


> Well I think he only snuck behind my back because he was feeling fear of commitment.


Oh please.

He snuck around your back because THAT'S WHO HE IS.

He USES women. He is SELFISH. He keeps you down by telling you that you are the problem - just like every other abuser/controller does. And then goes and does whatever he wants. Because he is SELFISH. 

You're just one of the females he gets his needs met by. Some guys just grow up believing that's what you're there for. And if he has to lie to you, or hide stuff from you, or blame you, or sneak around, well, that's just what men gotta do, right?

Have you been to a therapist yet?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

learning112 said:


> Why in the world did he never respect me? I was good to him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you are a DOORMAT and you LET HIM TREAT YOU like garbage. And here you are two years later, still making excuses for a man who TREATS YOU LIKE GARBAGE.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Srsly....


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I keep asking because I don't get it. Yeah. I just don't think it's normal that the very first time I brought up marriage/ whether we were "on the same page," he said he'll mRry me someday when he decides the time is right, but immediately 1) warned me not to keep bringing it up or else he wouldn't propose, and 2) asked another girl to meet him at a bar at midnight and kept flirting with her, asking for pics etc, for weeks. It's not like he did those things after I'd been pressuring, Giving ultimatums. Why would you do those things from the very first time I brought up the topic after
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think we've told you this before. YOU need to educate yourself on what normal is.

Because you DON'T understand what normal is. And he is not normal. He's abusive, controlling, or just plain USING YOU.

Therefore, there's nothing you can do to make him BETTER, to make him DECENT. Because he just ISN'T.

Stop wishing for something that isn't possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I keep asking because I don't get it. Yeah. I just don't think it's normal that the very first time I brought up marriage/ whether we were "on the same page," he said he'll mRry me someday when he decides the time is right, but immediately 1) warned me not to keep bringing it up or else he wouldn't propose, and 2) asked another girl to meet him at a bar at midnight and kept flirting with her, asking for pics etc, for weeks. It's not like he did those things after I'd been pressuring, Giving ultimatums. Why would you do those things from the very first time I brought up the topic after


Do you understand that there are people in this world who are just not good people? Surely you know that. In this case it's your ex. He will treat woman the same way he treated you.

You seem to think that his mistreatment of you is based on things that you did and/or said. It does not matter what you said/did. He's just being the mean, controlling person that he is.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He just always seemed happy with me and wanted to spend time with me until around 14 months, when I wondered if we were on same page because he still hadn't said "I love you" back & I didn't know where he stood on future, marriage, Etc. why did that simple convo turn into him telling me a nice response but immediately trying to sneak out w another girl to a bar at midnight???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your Xbf is already married. His wife and kids are in his home country. When you moved in and paid 1/2 of the rent, that was really helping him. But when you brought up marriage, you messed up the arrangement. He is mad because he never intended to marry you or declared love. You are just a means to an end.

He also knows that he can treate you as bad as he wants and you will still want him. He knows all you care about is his educational credentials and his job title. You like boosting to other people about him. He understands your inability to understand where he is coming from and what he wants from you.

What he wants from you is nothing. You are annoying him, your constant demands are getting too much for him, so he disconnects.

The first time 14 months ago you talk of marriage and love, that caught him in an unguarded moment. So, he told you what you wanted to hear. When he realized what he said, he tried to backpedaled out of what he said. That is why he text the other girl, went out with her and kept flirting. He was trying to get you to leave him. 

But you never got the message and here we are.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

What you said doesn't make sense for a few reasons. One, he never thought I'd find out about the other girl because I only knew from reading his texts. (To be fair- I know he's read mine since then and I actually outright gave him my phone passcode bc I believe in no secrets.) second, he always says he "let" me move in, because he never really wanted me there in first place. (Though once he finally let me and his friend asked if he was gonna propose, it's true that his response was simply "in warming up to her paying half my rent lol"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> What you said doesn't make sense for a few reasons. One, he never thought I'd find out about the other girl because I only knew from reading his texts. (To be fair- I know he's read mine since then and I actually outright gave him my phone passcode bc I believe in no secrets.) second, he always says he "let" me move in, because he never really wanted me there in first place. (Though once he finally let me and his friend asked if he was gonna propose, it's true that his response was simply "in warming up to her paying half my rent lol"


Learning,

People have given you a lot of time and effort. There is concern here for you. But you just blow it all off and basically keep saying the same things over and over and over and over.

I do not see that we are helping you in any way. You are no closer to accepting reality.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I am truly sorry if I'm Offending anyone by making them think I'm not listening. It is just hard for me to sort out reality in my head. I just reread every email back & forth between my ex and me for the last 2 years. My conclusion is, I think I always was more serious about him, & he just wanted a superficial girlfriend while it was convenient. He never pursued me, never pursued any plans with me, just went along for the ride.

Yet he claims that he only dumped me bc he "warned" me not to keep trying to discuss marriage/the future. Is this just a cover? I guess of course you don't want to discuss the future with someone you never loved or intended to marry... But it still blows my mind that he'd keep dating me and even let me move in for 2 years if he didn't love me and saw no real future
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I am truly sorry if I'm Offending anyone by making them think I'm not listening. It is just hard for me to sort out reality in my head.


You are not offending anyone. It's just hard to see someone who just cannot see reality... I guess. People get to the point where they don't know what to say anymore. It can make people feel like their cannot offer any help.



learning112 said:


> I just reread every email back & forth between my ex and me for the last 2 years. My conclusion is, I think I always was more serious about him, & he just wanted a superficial girlfriend while it was convenient. He never pursued me, never pursued any plans with me, just went along for the ride.


But with this is sounds like you are getting somewhere and starting to see reality.

I think that your conclusion is right. You can learn from this. If a guy does not show at least as much enthusiasm as you do and he does not shoulder about 50% of the relationship, end it. He's along for the ride, that's it.



learning112 said:


> Yet he claims that he only dumped me bc he "warned" me not to keep trying to discuss marriage/the future. Is this just a cover? I guess of course you don't want to discuss the future with someone you never loved or intended to marry... But it still blows my mind that he'd keep dating me and even let me move in for 2 years if he didn't love me and saw no real future


Sure he claims that he dumped you because you kept asking about marriage. But it's not about the asking about marriage. Is that you started to want him to actually be involved on the same level you were. He did not want anything to do with that.

He's a user. Like to told his friend, you paid half his rent. I guess he liked that he had more money to spend and/or save.

It sounds like you have a problem with the fact that there are some pretty lousy people. It's a hard lesson to learn. 

You were enthused about him and the relationship because you love him. He took advantage of you. You should be pretty angry at him.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I've just never had an ex this cold and emotionless with no feeling! My other boyfriends broke up w me but they we're sweet even at the end. The last one, who broke up w me bc his Indian family disapproved, said I'd always be the love of his life. Yet this guy now... I'm crying on the phone, asking how he could truly not care if he never saw me again, and silence... After blaming me that he had to dump me bc I kept wanting to talk about marriage beyond "I'll do it some day sometime in future when I decide I'm ready and if that's not good enough then you can leave"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well you know now that crying on the phone only served to hurt yourself. So leave the guy alone.

What are you doing for yourself now? That's what matters.. YOU.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I can't ignore the fear that if he could listen to me on the phone that night and stone cold ignore, then I must be worth very little as a person. He felt nothing for me???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I can't ignore the fear that if he could listen to me on the phone that night and stone cold ignore, then I must be worth very little as a person. He felt nothing for me???


Your problem is that you see yourself as the center of the universe. Everything happens because of you and is caused by you. Therefore you only see his behavior if it emanates from you. It does not.

Nothing he does emanates from you. Nothing he does is caused by you.

Everything he does comes from within himself. He feels nothing for you because he is unable to feel anything for anyone. He sounds pretty narcissistic. Narcissistic people do not have feelings for others. The only reasons that they have other people in their lives is for the benefit they get from that person.... in your case you paid half the rent, you were easy sex and you were someone to take care of the place... and even someone to talk to sometimes. That's it.

If you pick up a rattle snake, you'd expect it to bite you, right? Why? Because that's what rattle snakes do.. they bite.

If you are with a narcissists, you'd expect them to use you, right? Why? Because that's what narcissists do.

Stop making this about you. It's about him. It's about who he is in his core... a narcissist... he used you. Get used to it, that's what narcissists do.

Would you expect that rattle snake to love you? They are incapable of love. So are narcissists.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

learning112 said:


> I can't ignore the fear that if he could listen to me on the phone that night and stone cold ignore, then I must be worth very little as a person. He felt nothing for me???


Why do you think that he, of all the humans on this earth, is the one and only person who establishes your worth?

To a narcissist, a persons value is only what he can get from them. He is done using you.

Do you even realize how lucky you are that he broke it off? 

What do you think set your value/worth as a human and a woman?


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