# Hubby sexual past



## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Hi guys, I'm back! I posted a few months back indicating how non sexual my marriage is. Sex maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I do all the work and the sex itself is very vanilla. I do desire my hubby although he is obese. He has never been sexually active with me since we met. Yes, I have talked to him about it and we always come to the conclusion that we need to work on it. Before you say it, I always worry about his health first and forth most. And no, he is not cheating on me. Most woman dont even give him the time of day due to his size. I here due to a new concern:

Recently, during conversation, I said I always wondered what the younger version of him was like. I didnt know what to expect. I wasnt sure I was looking for sexual answers but I sure got them. He provided details of his sexual past starting at 14years old and going right on up. I was shocked to the amount of detail he provided. In a weird way, I was intrigued as well. It was bittersweet for me, I always wanted to know but now I feel a tad resentful. I feel like why isnt he like that with me? I had a pit in my stomach for 2 whole days thinking of it. I cant talk to him about it cause I opened up the floor for conversation but I feel less diserable. I feel like I needed to reset myself to prove myself to him, why you ask? I'm not even sure why? I provided oral on him and made his favorite dessert and even bought him his favorite sports shirt while I was out. Is this normal? I'm better with the conversation we had but I do think about it everytime I look at him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> Hi guys, I'm back! I posted a few months back indicating how non sexual my marriage is. Sex maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I do all the work and the sex itself is very vanilla. I do desire my hubby although he is obese. He has never been sexually active with me since we met. Yes, I have talked to him about it and we always come to the conclusion that we need to work on it. Before you say it, I always worry about his health first and forth most. And no, he is not cheating on me. Most woman dont even give him the time of day due to his size. I here due to a new concern:
> 
> Recently, during conversation, I said I always wondered what the younger version of him was like. I didnt know what to expect. I wasnt sure I was looking for sexual answers but I sure got them. He provided details of his sexual past starting at 14years old and going right on up. I was shocked to the amount of detail he provided. In a weird way, I was intrigued as well. It was bittersweet for me, I always wanted to know but now I feel a tad resentful. I feel like why isnt he like that with me? I had a pit in my stomach for 2 whole days thinking of it. I cant talk to him about it cause I opened up the floor for conversation but I feel less diserable. I feel like I needed to reset myself to prove myself to him, why you ask? I'm not even sure why? I provided oral on him and made his favorite dessert and even bought him his favorite sports shirt while I was out. Is this normal? I'm better with the conversation we had but I do think about it everytime I look at him.


I think your husband may have a vivid imagination.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Just a whole new perspective on who he really is/was.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I have to agree.

Hard to imagine a guy who's experienced and has been adventurous to a couch 
Potato completely disinterested in sex.

Somethin doesn't jive here.

And I don't think it has anything to do with you or your attractiveness.


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

It took me a while to realize it wasnt me. In my mind, came to the conclusion that he just wasnt as sexually active as me. BUT when I see naked sites he is on or shared with his friends upsets me ONLY because I crave that sexual attention from him. Now I learn he was pretty active and did things I would've never imagined. It's a hard pill to swallow...


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

He provides me with much love so I think that is his way of showing it. I mean, how many ways can you discuss how unsatisfied you are sexually? And it's always awkward at first, like neither one of us know what we are doing. Turns into laughing or stupid jokes. I love the sweet gentle man he is but sometimes I would like the younger version of him..... and yes he knows this.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

You said that no women would be interested in him because he is obese. I think many or most women feel good when their man is attractive to other women. My husband is one of the leaders in our church - very outgoing and has a lot of charisma and is a strong leader. I can tell women find him attractive (not like lusting after him - well i hope not!) but more like just find him attractive and single women would find him a good guy to date and marry if it wasn't for me. That makes him more attractive to me and makes me want him more. Maybe like a little jealousy you could say. You could say that it makes me want to work harder for him. If I thought nobody would want him then maybe I would not really try as hard. I know it shouldn't be that way but I think that's kind of true with many people.

Perhaps this is what you went through. Maybe you thought that nobody would want him and then you hear that women apparently did want him. So it's like some sort of jealousy that makes you more desirous of him. Maybe it's not as much about sex as it is knowing that women gave themselves to him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tiffy726 said:


> I provided oral on him and made his favorite dessert and even bought him his favorite sports shirt while I was out. Is this normal? I'm better with the conversation we had but I do think about it everytime I look at him.


Unfortunately you are falling for the same kind of thinking that men often do, which is doing nice things for your partner will lead them to want to have sex with you. Men always seem to think this but that is really not how it works, I contributes but it's only a small factor. Really you have to try to seduce him. In men's case it's mostly visual but it doesn't have to be. I would work on that. 

Sadly though sometimes you can do everything right and sadly it's just not there. There are lots of threads like this. Sorry.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Tifany,

You said he started at age 14, perhaps he craves the simplicity of sex at that age, and has been hurt by failed sexual relationships in his adulthood? 

He might also feel you are repulsed by his weight.

Tamat


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

Yes, jealousy does make you desire your spouse more. I only made that comment because people before stated that he must be cheating. I thought I shouldn't think women wouldn't find him attractive, I did. He is loud and funny and so kind. I bet if we divorced, I could name a few woman who would be interested. I was trying to paint a picture for you. 

Even though I did all those special things, it didnt spark sex last night. So I would have to agree, that way of thinking got me no where. 

He always says he sometimes needs a kick start. He admits he gets lazy. BUT sometimes, I would love random unplanned sex with him.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

JustTheWife said:


> You said that no women would be interested in him because he is obese. I think many or most women feel good when their man is attractive to other women. My husband is one of the leaders in our church - very outgoing and has a lot of charisma and is a strong leader. I can tell women find him attractive (not like lusting after him - well i hope not!) but more like just find him attractive and single women would find him a good guy to date and marry if it wasn't for me. That makes him more attractive to me and makes me want him more. Maybe like a little jealousy you could say. You could say that it makes me want to work harder for him. If I thought nobody would want him then maybe I would not really try as hard. I know it shouldn't be that way but I think that's kind of true with many people.
> 
> Perhaps this is what you went through. Maybe you thought that nobody would want him and then you hear that women apparently did want him. So it's like some sort of jealousy that makes you more desirous of him. Maybe it's not as much about sex as it is knowing that women gave themselves to him.


Why do you need validation from others to find your husband attractive?


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## Tiffy726 (Sep 19, 2016)

I dont need validation from others at all. The moral of the story is I was shocked that I didnt know his past was sexual because it was never like that with me


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This is an old thread, and the genders are reversed, but gender really shouldn't matter. It may give you some pretty in depth insight into issues such as the one you are experiencing.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/151474-you-did-other-men-but-not-me.html


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> I dont need validation from others at all. The moral of the story is I was shocked that I didnt know his past was sexual because it was never like that with me


In psychology books it is suggested that some individuals can only be themselves around people they do not care about. This is because they have low self esteem and feel if they try and be themselves around the people they actually care about that they will A) be rejected or B) hurt someone they care about by doing something shameful. 

This personality is well suited for a one-night-stand or to hire a sex worker because essentially they might only be able to enjoy sex with a partner that will be discarded immediately afterwards.

Hopefully that is not the case with your husband, but that might give you _some_ insight into certain past behaviors...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Tiffy726 said:


> Hi guys, I'm back! I posted a few months back indicating how non sexual my marriage is. Sex maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I do all the work and the sex itself is very vanilla.





Tiffy726 said:


> It was bittersweet for me, I always wanted to know but now I feel a tad resentful. I feel like why isnt he like that with me?


The problem is the following:



Tiffy726 said:


> He has never been sexually active with me since we met.


You knew he wasn't into sex with you from the get go, you accepted that. Yet here you are feeling resentment over his past.

If you wanted to be with someone who was keen to have sex with you, you should have chosen someone else.

That said going forward, your choices are as follows.

Suck it up, owning that choice gracefully.

Suck it up, ungracefully with resentment.

Have sex with another person or other people, either after dumping him or while staying with him.

It's up to you, which you choose. Yet make no mistake, you are unsurprisingly getting what you have always got from him.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Tiffy726 said:


> I mean, how many ways can you discuss how unsatisfied you are sexually?


Endlessly with no results. To the point where the line "communication is the key to a great marriage" sounds like a great big load of utter bull****.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Endlessly with no results. To the point where the line "communication is the key to a great marriage" sounds like a great big load of utter bull****.


If the OP is unhappy about her sex life and repeats that endlessly to her spouse, this is what he hears:



> You are not good enough for me.
> You are not good enough for me.
> You are not good enough for me.
> You are not good enough for me.
> ...and so on...


...thus fueling problematic issues with his self image and making it worse. 

It is kinda like being fussed at for not keeping your room clean. Perhaps you try and clean it and then you get fussed at again for not cleaning it up good enough. Then in the future when you are getting fussed at to clean up, you feel hopeless to even try and bother. A better approach is a spouse that helps you clean up and encourages you to work together as a team to get out of a messy situation. 

In terms of sexuality the way that works is that the wife might have to temporarily take responsibility for her own pleasure and be willing to share that with her husband. This might imply a scenario of mutual masturbation together at first and then some encouragement to help once the responsibilities to pleasure each other no longer feel overwhelming. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If the OP is unhappy about her sex life and repeats that endlessly to her spouse, this is what he hears:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What do you suppose is the success rate of that approach?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's like a H having a fight about sex when the W doesn't want to have sex at that time....she wins either way, fight or no fight, she doesn't have to have sex.

Typically. 

But H should surprise the W. 

Your typical trying to earn sex H, when she says "fine, ok, let's have sex" will say I'm too mad now, which is what she expects and hopes to hear.

It's better when H says ok let's go have sex. Which is always better for both.

I say the above because roles can be reversed. 

If you the W want more sex, take it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you the W want more sex, take it.


Sounds like rape. Does that only work for the wife or can the husband just take it too if he wants it?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> What do you suppose is the success rate of that approach?


Based on the notion that a significant number of people would be very uncomfortable allowing a spouse to observe their acts of self pleasure...

...rather unlikely!

But there in lies a huge problem in a relationship when it comes to just being yourself, being confident, and feeling completely comfortable with a spouse. Overcome that problem, and the relationship will definitely stand a chance to improve. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Based on the notion that a significant number of people would be very uncomfortable allowing a spouse to observe their acts of self pleasure...
> 
> ...rather unlikely!
> 
> ...


So based on no evidence at all, even admittedly, you are just going to walk out on that limb and say "this is how you fix a low sex marriage. Masturbate in front of each other" 

Ok buddy.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@TheDudeLebowski: it will fix the marriage. In most cases, the LD will go crazy. If the HD refuses to back down and keeps masturbating in front of the LD, the LD will file for divorce. See, they just fixed the low sex marriage!

Oh, were you guys talking about trying to create more sex in a low sex marriage? My bad.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> So based on no evidence at all, even admittedly, you are just going to walk out on that limb and say "this is how you fix a low sex marriage. Masturbate in front of each other"
> 
> Ok buddy.


I have read many other accounts from women on TAM in a similar scenario that managed to fix their marriage. Basically these women claimed to no longer hold their husband responsible for pleasure in the relationship. Because women are capable of multiple orgasms, masturbating in front of a partner is just a form of foreplay to get their husband aroused.

Now obviously if a man were to do this, yes it would be super lame and pathetic because at that point it is over. But for women the first orgasm is like priming the pumps and just getting started. It is not until orgasm six or eight that it really gets going, and by then hopefully the husband is participating.

So yeah buddy! Like super seriously YEAH!!!!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Almost surprised the mention of porn here didn't prompt the anti-porn brigade to chime in. That said it could legitimately be part of his problem. Also low T should be checked and believe that's more likely when obese. 

OP - couple questions - was your husband always obese when younger and possible this low libido is a symptom of that problem (that didn't exist before or to the same extent). Do you think your husband finds you attractive? What kind of shocking things was he doing when he was younger that he's not expressed interest with you in? Are these on the table if he asked? Also what kind of porn is he into and possible for you to use that as a gateway to you?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Who doesn't like to watch a woman masturbate, raise your hands. Speaking of my dear W for me.

Not many hands.

Nuff said.

Edited for: I should have specified this is a question for the men.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Tiffy726 said:


> Hi guys, I'm back! I posted a few months back indicating how non sexual my marriage is. Sex maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I do all the work and the sex itself is very vanilla. I do desire my hubby although he is obese. He has never been sexually active with me since we met. Yes, I have talked to him about it and we always come to the conclusion that we need to work on it. Before you say it, I always worry about his health first and forth most. And no, he is not cheating on me. Most woman dont even give him the time of day due to his size. I here due to a new concern:
> 
> Recently, during conversation, I said I always wondered what the younger version of him was like. I didnt know what to expect. I wasnt sure I was looking for sexual answers but I sure got them. He provided details of his sexual past starting at 14years old and going right on up. I was shocked to the amount of detail he provided. In a weird way, I was intrigued as well. It was bittersweet for me, I always wanted to know but now I feel a tad resentful. I feel like why isnt he like that with me? I had a pit in my stomach for 2 whole days thinking of it. I cant talk to him about it cause I opened up the floor for conversation but I feel less diserable. I feel like I needed to reset myself to prove myself to him, why you ask? I'm not even sure why? I provided oral on him and made his favorite dessert and even bought him his favorite sports shirt while I was out. Is this normal? I'm better with the conversation we had but I do think about it everytime I look at him.


Unfortunately from the endless sexless marriage threads on here fixing this problem is no easy endeavor. I think in your husbands case you might want to look at underlying factors the could be contributing to the low sex drive. What are his thoughts on his obesity? Who is in charge of the food in the house? Getting him physically active and eating healthy could have a positive impact on his overall wellbeing and energy level which after a few months of good discipline may translate to an uptick in sexual activity. In any case the obesity should be attacked because once he starts having heart problems and going on tons of medication for health issues you can kiss the once every 6-8 weeks goodby in all likelihood.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> @TheDudeLebowski: it will fix the marriage. In most cases, the LD will go crazy. If the HD refuses to back down and keeps masturbating in front of the LD, the LD will file for divorce. See, they just fixed the low sex marriage!
> 
> Oh, were you guys talking about trying to create more sex in a low sex marriage? My bad.


 @Holdingontoit just out of curiosity you should ask your wife if she would be interested in watching/knowing what it is you do for self pleasure. Not to actually do it in front of her, but just to have a conversation about that. 

I remember having this conversation with many girlfriends back in my college days. This conversation can be a real eye opener because there will be lots of questions and then you get to the part where she reciprocates and might just tell you about what she likes to do all on her own. HELLO?

I remember one girlfriend describing what she liked to do to herself... long story short ...it would always culminate in her seeing bright flashes of light because the experience was so intense for her. Of course I asked all sorts of questions she then allowed me to try and recreate her own techniques with her and BOOM! 

I mean all I had to do was to be very very quiet and still while just pretending to be her pillow!  

Badsanta


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> In terms of sexuality the way that works is that the wife might have to temporarily take responsibility for her own pleasure and be willing to share that with her husband.



My suggestion to Tif is to do just that; but not with something that requires batteries (or electricity). If the guy is not interested in have sex with her, she could opt for a FWB. If done carefully and without the perennial need to stay on the phone and especially text, it can be done successfully. Neither her or her FWB is taking something from the husband he wants anyway. If her husband can get his act together, she can always cancel the arrangement.

Tiffy, have you thought about such an option?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I would guess, he is either self conscious about his weight, or worried about his sexual performance. Any chance he feels like he does not satisfy you when sex does happen?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> I have to agree.
> 
> Hard to imagine a guy who's experienced and has been adventurous to a couch
> Potato completely disinterested in sex.
> ...


Men with Low T don't tend to think about or want sex very often. If he was thinner back in the day and he's heavy now, well, that could explain the switch.


"Being overweight causes testosterone levels to fall for several reasons. Firstly, testosterone is converted to the female hormone estrogen in fat tissue, and when there is too much fat there is a high rate of this conversion. Secondly, obesity is thought to suppress testicular function. Finally, testosterone is a fat-soluble hormone and is stored in fat tissue, so in an overweight man there may be too little testosterone in the blood because a higher-than-normal percentage is being stored in body fat. It is not clear in this setting whether the testosterone in the fat can be mobilized into the bloodstream as needed, or whether it is effectively prevented from being used. The good news is that all of the issues can be reversed with weight loss and obese men who lose weight often see a big rise in their blood testosterone levels, along with an improvement in their sexual interest and function."


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