# Being pumped for info by BS?



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I’ll try to keep this as clear as possible. 

I work with a guy named Bob and a woman named Susie at my primary job. They both work in the office with me. Bob is married and so is Susie. Both of them have 4 children. I am not good friends with Susie or Bob, but due to the nature of my job, I talk to both of them quite often and am friendly with both of them. I am friends on Facebook with both of them, along with Bob’s wife who I’ve met at the Christmas party a few times and our company picnics, but that’s it. We’ll call her Mary. I have never hung out with Susie outside of work except the day before Thanksgiving this year when a large group of us went to a bar after work. At the bar, Susie, myself and another coworker we will call Angela took a picture together and posted it on facebook. We had a great time that night. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends so I was kind of happy that I’d kind of made a little bit of a connection with Susie, and a little more of a connection with Angela. 

The following Tuesday, I come to work and Angela tells me that Susie walked out the day before. I was pretty shocked by this, but Susie could be a bit sensitive and overdramatic at times so I thought maybe she’d gotten frustrated with something and walked out in an emotional state. That night, I sent her a message on facebook and asked her what happened. All I got back was that work was taking up too much of her time, that she needed to spend more time focusing on being a mom and a wife. I told her I understood, but that I was sorry to see her go. I haven’t seen her since, but we are still friends on facebook.

Maybe Friday of the same week, Angela comes and tells me that the real reason Susie quit was because she was having an affair with Bob. Apparently her husband had taken her phone to take a picture of her with her kids and a suggestive text from Bob came through as he had the phone in his hand. He ran off with the phone, locked himself in the bathroom and read all of the texts. They stayed together, but the only way he would was if she quit her job and called Bob’s wife and told him. This was all confirmed by Susie to Angela. Angela was closer to Susie so she had asked Susie to go to lunch to get the real scoop on what happened. Angela was told and believes that it was just flirting/sexting, etc. and nothing more. Me, having been here at TAM for a year+, completely think that it was completely physical as there are indications they would go to lunch together several times a week as well. I tried to tell Angela that, but apparently she’s a bit naïve. It’s not really my place to convince Angela of what actually happened anyway. Angela has just been telling me about this as gossip at this point. 

So Angela and I also work together at a bridal shop on weekends. This past Saturday, Angela went in at 10 and I went in at noon. When I went in at noon, clocked in and came around the corner, Angela had a customer. Bob’s wife Mary. Mary’s friend was getting married and Mary was there with her getting her wedding dress. I stopped and said hi to Mary. Just pleasant chit chat. She had recently got her hair done (she has beautiful long dark hair and had posted pictures of it on facebook a couple of days before) so I complimented her hair, asked how she was, she asked how I was, etc. Just normal chit chat you’d have with someone that you’ve only met a couple of times. I was also getting ready to get a customer so I was kind of walking as I was talking, getting my stuff prepared, etc. 

I don’t end up seeing her before she leaves to say goodbye or anything like that. However, Angela comes up to me and says “well that was awkward”. I asked what. Apparently Mary said she looked familiar and then at one point said “Do you work at (insert name of our primary job). Angela said yes and apparently Mary sneered “Ohhhhh so YOU know Susie”. Angela says she responded “well I used to, but she doesn’t work with us anymore” and just left it at that.

Later that evening, I get home and I see a message pop up on my facebook from Mary. It says something along the lines of “I know we don’t talk very often, but I see a lot of your posts and you seem like you have some pain. I know pain. Is everything ok?” Now mind you, I’ve been trying to post only positive things on my facebook lately because I can get sucked into negative too easily. I responded to her “Well, 2016 wasn’t the greatest year for me, but I’ve taken charge of my life and it’s up to me how happy I am” with a smily face. So she responds to me that if I’d like to get a cup of coffee sometime, she’d like that. I responded that I would like that as well because I don’t have a lot of female friends and I’m really trying to branch out that way. She responds with saying “Or we can just go get margaritas sometime”. I just respond “Well, there’s always that instead of coffee, haha”. She responds with someone along the lines of maybe we could go work out, or we could work out and THEN go get margaritas, etc. At this point I’m kind of thinking things are getting weird. I start racking my brain to think of how many times I’ve actually been around her. I can think of 3. 2 Christmas parties for work and one company picnic. I think I’ve talked to her before this for a total of MAYBE 20 minutes? The offer of coffee sounded good. I kind of took it as we’d been friends on faceook for a while, we seemed to get along when we saw each other in person, maybe she just thought we’d clicked personality wise and since I’d run into her that day she thought maybe we’d make good friends and wanted to build a friendship. But after all of these messages that span over about an hour, I just kind of got a weird feeling. She ends up asking if I had plans that night. I told her I did because it was my night to run my 15 year old around and I was “Mom Taxi” for the night. 

I never heard another word from her. She just stopped responding. I feel as if she contacted me, primed me for ‘friendship’ but actually wants to pump me for information about Bob and Susie. I don’t KNOW anything about Bob and Susie, other than what Angela has told me about her husband intercepting the text and making her quit her job and Susie downplaying the affair to Angela. I know NOTHING else. Angela also came up to me today and said that Bob came in this morning and told her that Susie told him that Angela said to her at the bridal shop “I’m so sorry for everything he put you through”. She said that Bob wasn’t aggressive about it and that he didn’t seem upset at all, he just asked her. She swears that she didn’t say that to Mary because she felt really awkward after she brought up Susie in the first place. I end up telling her about Mary contacting me and she thinks that Mary wants to meet me because she saw the picture from the night before Thanksgiving of me, her and Mary and assumes that I’m decent enough friends with her that I would know something.

My heart breaks for this girl, as I know how this feels. How desperately you’ll seek for any kind of information. Should I bring this up to this woman? That I don’t KNOW anything? I don’t mind meeting her for coffee or a drink if it is under the motivation to actually make a friendship. As I said, I don’t have a lot of girlfriends and I need them. But if I go under the guise of friendship, she pumps me for info and I don’t have any and I never hear from her again, I think it will make me feel used and pretty bad. 

What do you think? Pumping me for info?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Good thing you didn't say "I'll try to keep this as brief as possible".

What I think is you're borrowing drama. Not your monkeys - not your circus.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I’ll try to keep this as clear as possible.
> 
> I work with a guy named Bob and a woman named Susie at my primary job. They both work in the office with me. Bob is married and so is Susie. Both of them have 4 children. I am not good friends with Susie or Bob, but due to the nature of my job, I talk to both of them quite often and am friendly with both of them. I am friends on Facebook with both of them, along with Bob’s wife who I’ve met at the Christmas party a few times and our company picnics, but that’s it. We’ll call her Mary. I have never hung out with Susie outside of work except the day before Thanksgiving this year when a large group of us went to a bar after work. At the bar, Susie, myself and another coworker we will call Angela took a picture together and posted it on facebook. We had a great time that night. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends so I was kind of happy that I’d kind of made a little bit of a connection with Susie, and a little more of a connection with Angela.
> 
> ...


Well trust your senses that she is pumping you for information and if you don't want to feel used I would just tell her that if she is wanting a friendship you would like to have coffee and if she wants to ask about Susie that you didn't know her very well. Thats what I would do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just send her a message with a link to TAM. We will take care of the rest


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Good think you didn't say "I'll try to keep this as brief as possible".
> 
> What I think is you're borrowing drama. Not your monkeys - not your circus.


Never promised to keep it brief!  


I don't want to sit down with this woman and talk about her husbands affair. I don't KNOW anything about her husbands affair. The only things I "know" and I use that lightly because it's all second hand, is the things that Angela has told me in a gossip type situation. And that's not a give and take conversation. She talks, I just nod and half listen. I don't know these things, and I don't WANT to know these things because hearing those details triggers me. I just do the typical "nod and smile", offer a couple "uh huh's" in there too. The last thing I need right now is to meet a betrayed woman on the pretext of having coffee and being pressed for information. I guess I just don't know how proper it would be to preface it with "Hey, I don't want to meet you for coffee if you just want to pump me for information about Bob's affair". How do you even say that politely? And what if that isn't what she wants and I insult her by saying that?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

A big part of recovery from being a BS was focusing on my personal integrity. Part of it incudes rigid self honesty with myself and demanding it from others both passively and aggressively at times. She lied to you about the reason why she contacted. I understand why, and we both understand the the very really reason she did so. I think we both could agree at one point we would do exactly the same, with regret but no remorse at best. Truth: not good enough reason to reach out. What she needs is brutal honesty and neither of us cannot give her this until she is ready for it. 

YOU WANT THE TRUTH: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. So when can you tell her the truth? When she writes you I need the truth and insight into my marriage from you, but I don't need/want/or will invovle you in my drama. Hear is why you personally why you should not:.....
Hear is why it will not happen:.....

Bottom line until she understands what she is asking you cannot help her. At best in a month send her links to LS, SI, Divorce Busters, Not Juat Friends, etc. anoymously. (perhaps with snapshot, don't know if it's possible but it is a known cheater app so it might give her a hint.) Not to TAM. Stress the importance of finding a good IC, the characteristics of a good IC, why IC is more important before MC and drop it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Think maybe she's heard some gossip about your husbands affair and is looking for someone who understands to befriend?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Think maybe she's heard some gossip about your husbands affair and is looking for someone who understands to befriend?




That's what I'm thinking. It was hard for me to keep up with the various names, but from what I understood she could also be comforted by knowing that you don't actually know anything.

It's one think for your WS to have a workplace affair - you are totally in the dark - but it's much worse if everyone knew about it and it was an open secret. Then you're just a fool to everyone around you.

So maybe that as well


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Think maybe she's heard some gossip about your husbands affair and is looking for someone who understands to befriend?


I'm thinking she is just digging for information, she has probably been trickle truthed and wants more. Reason I think that is she escalated to wanting to go for drinks to loosen LH up. I would just refuse. No idea why she would mention the gym.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

giddiot said:


> I'm thinking she is just digging for information, she has probably been trickle truthed and wants more. Reason I think that is she escalated to wanting to go for drinks to loosen LH up. I would just refuse. No idea why she would mention the gym.


Lots of women who work or are SAHM's are short on time. They can make time for the gym or make time to socialize, but not both. It's fairly common for women to meet up with other women at the gym to socialize while working out. If she is looking for someone who would understand because they've been there suggesting a work out together and a quick drink afterward is pretty standard casual hang out fare.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

But you do know..... Losinghim. 

You said they went out for lunch..often?

And if you think about it, the dance at work will gel. Gel in your mind. 

Place both of their faces together in your female mind. Women miss very little.

How did they react and talk to each other. Do you remember coy smiles, joking, poking. 

A quick hand gentle on each others backs? Sitting alone and talking?

Did they consult often? On things outside "their separate" work duties.

Finding excuses to be with each other? To be within eyesight of each other?

Being together on breaks?

Process it, chill with this thought in your mind and serve the jiggly jello it to dear Mary.

It is all "there". Do you want to take Mary "there"? Would you want her to do the same for you, if the tables were reversed?

The women is likely a wreck, she is.. "The Wreck of the Mary Deare". Her marriage is a deathtrap of rattling rivets. 

Console her mind. It is adrift in an unkind sea. You know this. Helping her will help you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You don't know anything, stay out of it, why are you looking for problems when there aren't any. If she wants a friend, then she has to be honest enough to say so.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

This is exactly why I am NOT on Facebook!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is at your office. If you want to stay out of this (and if you are smart you do!), you can say that you are worried that getting involved in this sort of discussion could cause all sorts of HR related problems (which it could!).


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

@SunCMars I didn't know they would go to lunch until after the rumors about the affair started after Susie quit. I never saw them together. Due to his position and hers, they did talk. I never saw anything out of the ordinary. He's a friendly, jokey guy with everyone so to even see them joking around wouldn't have set off any bells. I was pretty shocked when I was told who it was. I wouldn't have guessed.

The night before thanksgiving when we went out, there was one of the guys from the shop there. He's new to town and new to our work. Black guy with green eyes. Susie was talking to him when I walked up to the bar to get a drink so I introduced myself to him, he seemed friendly. That's when I saw his eyes. I love the green eye/dark skin combo. It looks so.....mesmerizing(?) to me. So anyway, I just said "you have really pretty eyes" (I have green eyes so I tend to compliment them) and turned to walk away. Keep in mind I was separated at this time and my female coworkers knew it, but they also knew I wasn't looking. Plus I didn't mean it in a suggestive way. Just a compliment. Susie almost seemed possessive when I said that. She said "oh I KNOW! Aren't they GORGEOUS??" And slid closer to him. I remember thinking it was weird but I'd also had quite a bit to drink so I didn't know if I was overthinking it. So I went on about my way. When I heard she quit because of an affair, that was the first thing that popped into my head. Apparently Susie must just be a lot more flirty than I knew before that night.

If she's digging for info it's kind of brazen considering I work with her husband. He was on my kickball team in the fall. We've always been friendly. We're the same age so it's kind of made sense that we have similar interests in friendly stuff we've talked about at work. For all she knows, I could be chummy? Or.....maybe she has heard about my husband and realizes somehow that I haven't really spoken much to Bob since this all went down.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Probably.

Just be up front and tell her that you don't know anything. Sure, you've heard gossip, but you can't substantiate it. Also, you hadn't even heard the gossip until what's-her-name quit.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Honestly, what difference does it make at this point? She stopped responding to you so she obviously decided to let it go.

You should too.

None of it directly concerns you so no need to drag more drama into your life.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How small is this town? Population 50?

You work with Angela at both places?

And were Bob and Susie talking about the bridal shop event with Mary when they should have been NC?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Seriously, stay out of it as much as possible. You seem to be attracted to the drama; quit that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's none of your business, LH.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Based on the questions she asked your friend (and the way you said she did it) I think your gut feeling is right. She wants info. Which is counterproductive if she decided to stay with him. She is pain shopping. Maybe she wants to pain shop with you since she knows you went through something similar. If true, you two will turn to two miserable little women ruminating over their misfortune in life(pity-party). Not a good idea.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@LosingHim she probably reached out to everyone who she thought would be useful for a spot of real life data mining.

When it becomes clear to her that there are people like you who knew nothing about the affair, then she drops you/them as a potential source of information and goes to the next person on her list.

She's a girl on a mission.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> How small is this town? Population 50?
> 
> You work with Angela at both places?
> 
> And were Bob and Susie talking about the bridal shop event with Mary when they should have been NC?


Small town.  I do work with Angela at both places. I applied at the bridal shop last year when I was separated as a means of more income. Once I’d been there about 2 weeks they said they really liked me and asked if I knew anyone that had a similar personality to me that would want a part time job. So I went to Angela and asked her if she was interested, she said yes, applied, they liked her and hired her. So we’ve both been there for a year. Another one of the girls that works at the bridal shop saw an ad for a position at my full time job and asked Angela about it. She applied and got the position. So actually right now there are three of us who all work at the bridal shop and my primary employment. And actually another woman from the bridal shop interviewed for a position here last week in finance. I’ve gotten pretty chummy with the finance manager here and they told me they’re probably offering her the job next week. So there will be 4 of us. One of the managers of the bridal shop has asked me to keep her informed of open positions in certain departments here as well. I work for a great company, people want to get in here pretty badly so it’s not surprising to me at all.

Bob and Susie didn’t discuss the bridal shop event. Mary told Bob that Angela told her at the bridal shop that she was sorry for what she went through, when that actually didn’t happen. And Bob came to work and told Angela about it. Apparently Bob has no qualms about discussing his affair with certain coworkers. 

As far as inviting drama – I didn’t reach out to this girl. She reached out to me. In my naivety I really thought she actually just wanted to be friends. But once Angela pointed out she could be fishing for information, I did think about that. She did stop responding in messages, but now she’s commenting on everything I post on facebook. I don’t want to discuss this womans husbands affair with her. I came here to ask if anyone else thought it was fishing for information or if Angela and I were just being paranoid.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I would have to say that you're probably right; she may be trying to get information. However, we can talk all day long about it but not know for sure. 

If she reaches out to you again to arrange a get-together, do it. That's the only way you're going to know her intentions. If she brings up Bob and starts asking questions, then I think you'll have your answer. 

If you do become friends, then it would be natural for her to talk about the affair at some point any ways. That's what friends do; they talk to each other about stuff. 

You just may get a friend out of it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I'd like to have more friends LOL. I guess my fear is I go out with her, she pumps me for info it either makes me uncomfortable and trigger or she realizes I don’t know anything anyway and I never hear from her again. I don’t have a lot of female friends. I’ve never really gotten along with women all that well. I mean I don’t fight with them, I just seem to fail to make connections with them. I don’t know how I’d feel if I did meet up with her, she pumped me for info, didn’t get what she wanted because I don’t know anything and I didn’t hear from her again. I guess I’d feel like it was just another failure to make a female friend. I’ve been craving female interaction lately because my putz of a husband is rarely ever home and I spend all of my time with the kids or alone and I’ve realized that I need some girl friends to do things with.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I'd like to have more friends LOL. I guess my fear is I go out with her, she pumps me for info it either makes me uncomfortable and trigger or she realizes I don’t know anything anyway and I never hear from her again. I don’t have a lot of female friends. I’ve never really gotten along with women all that well. I mean I don’t fight with them, I just seem to fail to make connections with them. I don’t know how I’d feel if I did meet up with her, she pumped me for info, didn’t get what she wanted because I don’t know anything and I didn’t hear from her again. I guess I’d feel like it was just another failure to make a female friend. I’ve been craving female interaction lately because my putz of a husband is rarely ever home and I spend all of my time with the kids or alone and I’ve realized that I need some girl friends to do things with.




Look, LH, you're putting too much pressure on yourself and making too much of this. Lighten up a bit. Take a risk. Be direct if she starts to pump you for info and say you were concerned that might happen but that you really were looking forward to meeting a new girlfriend. It goes 2 ways - that will change the dynamic and let her know you have expectations about meeting her too.

You're acting like all the guys who are afraid to ask out that cute girl they've run into several times. They're afraid of rejection. So are you. But haven't you or the women you know talked about those guys and wished they'd grow a pair and accept the threat of rejection?

Being timid about possible connections only means you are guaranteed to lose out. Taking a risk creates all manner of possibilities.

BTW I do expect this is #1 on her mind, but she might also be able to put it aside once she knows you weren't also banging her H and you didn't know anything about it. But tell her that's all you have to say about it and you want to move on to other girl talk.

That's my free advice ha ha 


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Send her an invite for coffee. Today. 

If she declines or doesn't respond she was just digging for info.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I see no harm in having coffee with her. She may just feel lonely and want more friends as you do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She might want info. If she talks with you again and asks, just tell her the truth. You know nothing. Do not repeat the rumors. They are rumors and not something you know first hand.

I'm not sure you are having a hard time with this. It's not unusual for a BS to be looking for the truth. You, have no real info that could add to her knowledge base on the affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> Never promised to keep it brief!
> 
> 
> I don't want to sit down with this woman and talk about her husbands affair. I don't KNOW anything about her husbands affair. The only things I "know" and I use that lightly because it's all second hand, is the things that Angela has told me in a gossip type situation. And that's not a give and take conversation. She talks, I just nod and half listen. I don't know these things, and I don't WANT to know these things because hearing those details triggers me. I just do the typical "nod and smile", offer a couple "uh huh's" in there too. The last thing I need right now is to meet a betrayed woman on the pretext of having coffee and being pressed for information. I guess I just don't know how proper it would be to preface it with "Hey, I don't want to meet you for coffee if you just want to pump me for information about Bob's affair". How do you even say that politely? And what if that isn't what she wants and I insult her by saying that?


Just be honest with her. Just come out as nicely as possible and let her know you know nothing. Send a message or something. You know her pain, help ease it the only way you can.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Definitely being pumped for info.  I haven’t heard from her since Saturday, other than her commenting on my statuses on facebook, but those comments were obviously not affair related. 

So I’m sitting here at my desk and it pops up that I have a message from her on facebook. It says “Can I ask you a question about kickball without you telling my husband?”

We had a kickball tournament at work in October, her husband was on my team. He came and brought his kids, but she had to work both nights.

Before I even had a chance to answer, she sent another message that said “the pictures were just there yesterday, now they’re gone”. 

So I got on facebook and looked and my team picture and action shots that I had posted of my team were still there. So I screenshot them and sent them to her and said they were still there. I was thinking at that point that maybe her husband had removed the tags of himself from my pictures and that that is what she was getting at. But I’d thought her husband had deleted his facebook. 

She responded and said “No, the ones that you were tagged in”. I could only remembering being tagged in pictures from 2 other women, one of them being the Angela from the bridal shop and the other being a woman on my team, let’s call her Jackie. So I said “Angela or Jackie?” I was confused at that point because Angela didn’t have anything and do with this, and Jackie is a married lesbian. 

So she responds and says “No, Susie”. (The AP) Again, before I have a chance to answer she says “Can you take a look and see if they’re still there?”

I just said “Oh her, I forgot she was there because she didn’t play” (She didn’t play, she came to watch, but a lot of people came to watch so I didn’t think anything about that at the time)

She responded “Yeah, she was there with my fkn kids!” and again before I could respond said “I just talked to him about her having those pictures of him on her facebook 3 days ago, now I see they’re gone, seems kind of coincidental to me”

In other words, I’m pretty sure she just confirmed the affair to me.

I don’t want involved in this, I don’t want to know. I just responded “Man, she has a lot of pictures on her facebook, like thousands, it would take a while to find them”

She just responded “Sorry to bug you at work, thanks.”


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

And yes, FYI, it looks like the pictures are gone. (I did look) 

I feel bad saying straight out to this woman that I don't want to be involved. I DON'T want to be involved. But on the other hand, I know how it feels to want to know something SO badly and not have any way of getting the information. There's a part of me that feels like I should tell her the pictures are gone, because it might confirm that her husband is still in contact. On the other hand, I don't want to be involved. I have my own affair(s) to deal with. I think that's the empath in me. I want to help ease anyone's pain, especially when I know what it feels like. But on the other hand, I don't want anything to do with it but feel bad saying that straight out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"She responded “Yeah, she was there with *my fkn kids*!”

Anyone who refers to their kids this way doesn't deserve empathy. There, you're off the hook.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

LH, I agree with Blondilocks. Just referring to her kids in that manner makes me cringe. You only know what you have been told, second and even third hand. You could tell her that it makes you uncomfortable getting involved in the situation. You have heard the gossip, but frankly, she knows more than you do, and you are not going to to be put into the position of seeking our new information for anyone. You have your own problems to keep you busy and cannot add more stress onto it. Adjust accordingly, of course, but get the point across that you are there to work, not spy/gossip.

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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Angela told me today that apparently his wife is losing her mind. I guess Friday night after she had asked me about the kickball pictures, that night he’d went to go to bed and put on his t-shirt from the kickball game to sleep in. She triggered, started screaming at him to take it off and made him go outside and burn it. I guess he tells a coworker (female of all things) about this stuff and then she tells Angela and then Angela comes up and tells me. I told her this morning that it’s pretty bad that he would confide in a female coworker about this kind of stuff and then even worse that that coworker tells her those things! She responded “well, they’re really close friends”. And then said something about the wife acting “too crazy” and that she just “needed to get over it”. At some point I’m going to have to tell her that I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I really don’t. It triggers me. And I understand where she’s coming from for the most part too. And it makes me angry that he’s got a female confidant here at work that he talks about his affair with like it’s nothing. I think this is part of the reason that some people just don’t think affairs are that bad until it happens to them. This lackadaisical attitude about the BS being crazy and blurred lines about opposite sex friendships. Outright gossiping about it like it’s nothing. It just makes me sad for his wife.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> "She responded “Yeah, she was there with *my fkn kids*!”
> 
> Anyone who refers to their kids this way doesn't deserve empathy. There, you're off the hook.





Maricha75 said:


> LH, I agree with Blondilocks. Just referring to her kids in that manner makes me cringe.


I took the wife saying that in a totally different way. Try to understand what she was communicating, not the exact words. She couldn't believe that the ***** was there with HER kids. Cut her some slack.



LosingHim said:


> She responded “well, they’re really close friends”.


How many "close friends" does that guy have at work? That seems to be the root cause of the problem. To me, Angela seems to be enjoying all the gossip and its spreading. Trust her to spread every drop of dirt on you if she hears anything. I wonder what she says about you in the bridal shop when you are not there. 

LH, the BS seems to be doing what you did. All the facebook and looking for clues. Ask yourself this. If you knew of someone who could provide you with answers about J and his activities, would you seek that person out for information?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> I took the wife saying that in a totally different way. Try to understand what she was communicating, not the exact words. She couldn't believe that the ***** was there with HER kids. Cut her some slack.


I agree. The woman is angry and I don't blame her. I think it takes an affair to a new level when you start exposing the kids to it like that. 

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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> I took the wife saying that in a totally different way. Try to understand what she was communicating, not the exact words. She couldn't believe that the ***** was there with HER kids. Cut her some slack.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I agree. The woman is angry and I don't blame her. I think it takes an affair to a new level when you start exposing the kids to it like that.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


I get what you both are saying, and have heard people say this very phrase, in the same manner you describe. In fact, you are probably correct in how she meant it. It doesn't make it any less cringe-worthy, imo, and have stated as much to those I have heard say it. I completely agree about the thought of OW/OM around the kids. I completely agree with the anger. I completely DISAGREE with the way she worded it.

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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Losinghim

I know you are weary of getting involved, and with good reason, but the not knowing is so destructive. Already the wife is being referred to as crazy, when in fact she isn't. I would consider doing the following if I were in your position. I would call the lady contacting you for information, meet with her over coffee, and tell her what you know. Even if it's rumor that isn't confirmed as she may be able to piece it all together by what may be rumor or truth. I would then give her a supportive hug and wish her the best of luck. If a friendship forms, great, if not, then so be it. When it comes to infidelity and what I went through, I will never stand idly by, it's just not in my nature. Best of luck to you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Bob needs to find a new job. The fact that Susie left is insufficient. Either the workplace or the coworkers foster a toxic environment for the marriage if Bob and Mary are to R.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

It’s just a tough place to be in for a lot of reasons. 1) It triggers me. That’s the selfish reason it’s a tough spot to be in 2) I don’t want involved in someone else’s drama, I have enough of my own 3) I really don’t KNOW anything, just the gossip that Angela has told me, which is unsolicited and started with me just nodding and saying “uh huh” to, but now it’s getting to the point where I feel like I want to stick up for the wife because I know how it feels, but again I don’t want to get involved so I may only say one or two small things in defense of the wife, while at the same time screaming to myself “don’t get involved!” 4) I know how the wife feels. I’m an empath as it is, but add to it that I’ve been through it and I WANT to help her on one hand, on the other, I want to run 5) I still work with her husband. I don’t know this woman well. If I tell this woman what I know (or rather what I’ve heard) and it helps her piece anything together, who is to say that she doesn’t go back to her husband say I told her. What if he would for some reason want some type of revenge on me? What if he caused problems for me at work? 

If I knew something unequivocally I would tell. The problem is I don’t. And even then, since I still work with her husband, I would do it anonymously somehow. 

BTW, I took the “fkn kids” comment as anger as well. Had it been written “She was fkn there with my kids!” I don’t think anyone would think anything. But since the fkn is before ‘kids’ it definitely makes it cringeworthy.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Losinghim
> 
> I know you are wary of getting involved, and with good reason, but the not knowing is so destructive.


And whose problem is that?




drifting on said:


> I would consider doing the following if I were in your position. I would call the lady contacting you for information, meet with her over coffee, and tell her what you *know*. Even if it's *rumor*


You're suggesting spreading rumour? - which you seem to see as on a par with fact. How's that supposed to help with the BW's "not knowing"?




drifting on said:


> she may be able to piece it all together by what may be rumor or truth.


OK, so IF the OP chooses to reach out and meet BW for coffee, OP invites questions. Specific questions, or questions with a specific nucleus eg questions like "I heard that..." or "I have a feeling that..." .. "...they used to disappear into an unused office and lock the door lunchtimes" [or whatever], do you know anything about that? To which OP can say "I heard rumours to that effect". And the BW's follow on will be .. who? when? where? said how often? who else knows?

All very difficult - indeed - to deal with, unless OP is content to immerse herself in rumour-mongering.

Even more difficult when you consider the last few lines of the first paragraph of OP's post #42




drifting on said:


> If a friendship forms, great


No, it's not great. The "friendship" will have been born out of the BW's need to know and/or have a shoulder to cry on. Once that purpose has been served for the BW, the BW will bow out of the "friendship" and OP - who has said she is looking to make more female friends - will not be a happy bunny

My advice to the OP is this: *IF* you choose to have coffee with the BW, resolve to yourself first that she is not to become a friend, that she is excluded from friendship-status by virtue of the circumstances of your getting together. Otherwise you'll end up disappointed and hurt.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I will give you all the background on what I have heard as rumor on this instance. 

I come to work and am told by Angela that Susie walked out the previous week. Susie works in Customer Service. I ask why and Angela whispers to me that it was because Susie was being picked on by two other CSR’s. A mom and a daughter. The mom and the daughter sit across the wall from me and they are very friendly with me and I like them a lot. (The daughter is the married lesbian I mentioned earlier) I say that I just can’t see that happening because they are both so nice. Angela responds that apparently Susie had a lot of problems with them, got frustrated and walked out. I responded I was surprised by that because I sit over the wall from them and hear them talking all the time and they seemed to get along. Angela responds basically “I don’t know, that’s what she told me”.

I had sent Susie a message on facebook that night and just said “what happened?” She responded she was just spending too much time at work and not enough being a wife and mother. I thought that was a strange response given that I was told she left because she was being “bullied” but who knows so I just said that I understood but that I was sad to see her go. She didn’t respond, but I know she has kids and is busy so I didn’t think too much about it.

A few days later Angela comes up and says “Susie didn’t quit because of the other girls after all!” I asked what she meant and she said that the one girl (the daughter, the lesbian) came up to her (Angela) one morning and said that she heard her telling me that Susie told her she quit because of her and her mom. The girl that is a lesbian is very nice, but she has a very strong personality. She is a bit stereotypical lesbian, dresses somewhat boy-ish, deeper voice, she’s a bit bigger, more stickily built, she can be a bit intimidating. Apparently she told Angela that she wanted to set the record straight that she did not cause Susie to quit by bullying her. She said that when she would watch the switchboard for the receptionist to have lunch, she would see Susie and Bob both leave for lunch within minutes of each other often and that they would come back within minutes of each other quite often. She said that’s the first thing she picked up on. She said after that she started noticing Bob over by Susie’s desk a lot, whispering, etc. and that she then picked up even more on them going to lunch at the same time every day. She said that one time Susie had watched the switchboard before her and left her email signed on and she had seen where Bob and Susie had emailed each other setting up lunch for that day. She said she then confronted Susie and said something along the lines of “Listen, I saw your email and I see you have lunch with Bob often, if you’re cheating on your husband, you really need to think long and hard about what you’re doing to your husband and family” and that that was all she had ever said to her but that she wasn’t quite as friendly with her afterwards because she didn’t support infidelity. 

A few days later, Angela had lunch with Susie and Susie told her that her husband was the one that discovered it. That she had given her husband her phone to take a picture of her and their boys and while he had it, a text from Bob popped up that was questionable, he took her phone to the bathroom and read all of the texts. Came out and told her she had to quit her job and that she herself had to call Bob’s wife and tell her what was going on. She swore to Angela that there has been no more contact between the two of them, that she wanted to stay with her husband and that she was terrified of Bob’s wife because his wife had driven by her house, cussed her out and had sent her threatening text messages. Angela’s interpretation was that they were “flirting” and “possibly sexting” and nothing more. That Susie was just “enjoying the attention” and nothing more. 

That is literally all I know. A male coworker asked me if I’d heard the rumor a couple of days after that. I just played dumb and said no. He was utterly shocked by it and then said “but I’ve heard Bob’s done this before”. I just played it off like I was surprised but not interested in the story.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Bob needs to find a new job. The fact that Susie left is insufficient. Either the workplace or the coworkers foster a toxic environment for the marriage if Bob and Mary are to R.


Is it the coworkers or the environment? Or is it Bob? I mentioned I’ve joked around with Bob before, we’re the same age, we have some similar interests in music and movies and such – just stuff that’s come up through normal work chit chat. But I have picked up on the fact that he has a bit of a perverted sense of humor. I do too, but I really keep that filter on at work. He doesn’t so much. I’ve never considered him “flirty” but I’ve definitely considered a few things borderline inappropriate. Not necessarily offensive to me because of my sense of humor, but would definitely be offensive to some.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ol' Bob needs a Gibbs slap upside the head. He needs to quit whining to the women at work in an effort to get laid. Maybe a well placed bug in his ear that if he doesn't stop spouting off his mouth all the rumor crap will be revealed to his wife.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Is it the coworkers or the environment? Or is it Bob? I mentioned I’ve joked around with Bob before, we’re the same age, we have some similar interests in music and movies and such – just stuff that’s come up through normal work chit chat. But I have picked up on the fact that he has a bit of a perverted sense of humor. I do too, but I really keep that filter on at work. He doesn’t so much. I’ve never considered him “flirty” but I’ve definitely considered a few things borderline inappropriate. Not necessarily offensive to me because of my sense of humor, but would definitely be offensive to some.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If the coworkers had any sense, they would tell ol' Bob that they don't want to hear about his personal problems.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> If the coworkers had any sense, they would tell ol' Bob that they don't want to hear about his personal problems.


The gist of what I’m hearing is that he discusses things rather openly with a female coworker. Given his relationship with two other male coworkers I’ve seen him with often, I’m pretty sure he’s probably discussed it with them too. With the female coworker I get the impression that he sees this as a friendship to openly discuss his “woes” with R. With the boys I’m pretty sure it’s the “ahhh my wife caught me cheating” while they give him high fives for banging a younger hot chic. Not that his wife isn’t pretty, because she really is. But Susie is the edgy, young hot thing. She’s really not even that attractive, but it’s how she presented herself. Short, spiky platinum hair or bright red dyed hair. Always wore bright red lipstick. Had a few dresses she would wear to work that were questionable in length. Would wear one particular red one with black fishnet stockings and black high heels a lot. I rarely care what other women dress like, but I always thought this one was over the top. But she was kind of one of those “shock value” type people so I figured that was it. But I’m sure to the guys he’s chummy with, she was a “prize”, even though in all honesty, his wife is a lot prettier, just a little more plain, down home girl next door rather than edgy. His wife is beautiful wife material, Susie was sexy one night stand material – based on looks alone.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Bob has very poor boundaries.

Which means he is a big risk not only to you because of your position, but also as a disruption to the work environment. Look how many employees are wrapped up in this saga.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> The gist of what I’m hearing is that he discusses things rather openly with a female coworker. Given his relationship with two other male coworkers I’ve seen him with often, I’m pretty sure he’s probably discussed it with them too. With the female coworker I get the impression that he sees this as a friendship to openly discuss his “woes” with R. With the boys I’m pretty sure it’s the “ahhh my wife caught me cheating” while they give him high fives for banging a younger hot chic. Not that his wife isn’t pretty, because she really is. But Susie is the edgy, young hot thing. She’s really not even that attractive, but it’s how she presented herself. Short, spiky platinum hair or bright red dyed hair. Always wore bright red lipstick. Had a few dresses she would wear to work that were questionable in length. Would wear one particular red one with black fishnet stockings and black high heels a lot. I rarely care what other women dress like, but I always thought this one was over the top. But she was kind of one of those “shock value” type people so I figured that was it. But I’m sure to the guys he’s chummy with, she was a “prize”, even though in all honesty, his wife is a lot prettier, just a little more plain, down home girl next door rather than edgy. His wife is beautiful wife material, Susie was sexy one night stand material – based on looks alone.


You don't actually think all men act that way right? If somebody I knew told me they got caught cheating I'd give them hell for it. 

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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> You don't actually think all men act that way right? If somebody I knew told me they got caught cheating I'd give them hell for it.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


No I know not all men are like that. I think some are and some aren’t. Heck, I really like Angela, but even her views on this are really lax IMO. She’s said numerous times his wife should just get over it, that she’s reacting in a crazy way, etc. Meanwhile, she knows what happened with my husband and how much it’s hurt – she was one of the first people I told – but in this instance it’s like she’s really naïve and believes Susie. But I’m stuck between sticking up for his wife and telling her to get her head out of the sand and stop being so naïve before it happens to her and wanting to stay out of it so I just nod and say “uh huh” when she talks. But these two particular guys are a bit…….player-ish? One is married, one is single. I think the married one tries to act like he’s a ladies man to impress the guys but really wouldn’t DO anything and the other, well he’s single, he’s young and he just wants to look “cool” too. Heck this may have all come about because I’ve heard they have a Top 10 List of women here at work. I’m pretty sure they spend their lunch hour ogling the women here and rating them. Bob may have rated Susie on the Top 10 and then decided to go after it. It’s just sad all the way around when you think about it.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Bob has very poor boundaries.
> 
> Which means he is a big risk not only to you because of your position, but also as a disruption to the work environment. Look how many employees are wrapped up in this saga.


That’s why I don’t really associate with Bob anymore since I found this out. True or not, it’s just not something I want anything to do with. My opinion on this stuff has totally changed since 1) doing it 2) experiencing it. I wouldn’t laugh about it before, but it surely didn’t bother me to hear about it. I figured it was their life, not mine, it was whatever. Now……it affects me too much. I look at people differently. Interact with them differently.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Good grief. This is all too much drama that doesn't belong in the workplace. One thing for sure though. NEVER TELL ANGELA A SECRET. She's a gossip.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Good grief. This is all too much drama that doesn't belong in the workplace. One thing for sure though. NEVER TELL ANGELA A SECRET. She's a gossip.


QFT. And she had no problem slandering the mom and daughter within their hearing range, saying they were bullying another employee - grounds for immediate termination.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She and I have become pretty close over the last few months. I don’t THINK she’s too gossipy outside of a few choice people, of which I’m apparently one. But I’ve never gotten the vibe that she tells just anyone anything. She started telling me things when I got her the job at the bridal shop and we started hanging out together more outside of work. I knew her for at least 2 years before that and she didn’t gossip much then. That doesn’t mean I’d tell her my deepest darkest secrets though. I think she likes some of the drama – like to her it’s like a soap opera because it isn’t happening to her or any of her close friends. It’s juicy info to her. I hope she never personally experiences it so it doesn’t become “real” to her. 

I do not think that the two women at work were angry at her for telling me what Susie had told her. I think they just wanted it straight that they were not the reason that she left.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're getting "pumped" for info? 😆

Damn LH. You did it again! LOL!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

That's some crazy pillow talk. hahaha


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

As the World Turns...LH you have enough drama in your relationship don't get involved in that other persons. You really don't need to get involved in it. Its very interesting this town of yours has all this drama with so many people with knowing each other and with facebook.

Jerry Springer really missed out filming here.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Eagle3 said:


> As the World Turns...LH you have enough drama in your relationship don't get involved in that other persons. You really don't need to get involved in it. Its very interesting this town of yours has all this drama with so many people with knowing each other and with facebook.
> 
> Jerry Springer really missed out filming here.


This town is SO small. Everyone knows everyone and everyone's business. I'd love to leave. I lived in a larger town for a few years and it wasn't like this. 

Jerry Springer could make a killing here. I do know someone from this town that was on the show. Lol


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I am so glad I own the company and work from home. That's just way too much drama for a healthy workplace. 

So, do you know if you are on the "Top 10" list?  


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> I am so glad I own the company and work from home. That's just way too much drama for a healthy workplace.
> 
> So, do you know if you are on the "Top 10" list?
> 
> ...


I was told I was top 3 LOL. My cousin works out in the shop and he told me. I told him to tell them to take me off the list. The women here used to have a thing where they’d go out for drinks and discuss the top 12 men they’d want to see on a male calendar. All that’s just weird to me. I don’t sit around and rate attractiveness of the opposite sex.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mike6211 said:


> And whose problem is that?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Perhaps you missed, I would consider doing the following if I was in your position, part. I don't condone cheating, if someone asks me j will say this is the rumor going around and saying it's not verified. If it helps the betrayed spouse put things together then great, if it doesn't help, then so be it. I consider it spreading rumor if I keep repeating this to others at work or in my social circle, but telling the betrayed I don't think is spreading rumor. The betrayeds life just blew up, and I would offer all I've heard to them if verified or not, and informing them what is not verified.


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