# What would it take to have an affair??



## JenniferMarried36

Ladies (and men too)

My husband and I had a heated conversation about cheating.

He admits to flirting but not cheating, I dont' know if he has but I have no proof anyways so I am not opening a can of worms.

He asked me what type of guy would it take for me to have a quick fling or affair with. I told him I would never do that but I have met some men who I think are very hot and I have fantasized about. I shouldn't have said that much I know.

He replied that if I met Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling type he would forgive me since he couldn't compete with them. He says that I should forgive him if he met a Brookyln Decker type girl etc.

He also thinks that it's no big deal if a guy has an affair then the girl deserves a "mulligan" and can have a quick fling too since we know of a couple where he cheated on his wife. My husband says the guy overachieved and his wife should find a young lover to put him in his place. Although I admire his understanding, I don't think that is the answer since 2 wrongs don't make a right.

I guess my question is "What type of guy would it take (a super hot guy)" or "What kind of situation would it have to be, (vacation with girlfriends, etc.)" for you to have an affair on your husband?


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## underwater2010

There is no guy or type of situation that would make me cheat or even make it okay. I would be more worried about your husband's stance on the issue. Seems like he has poor bounderies.


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## underwater2010

And by the way flirting is the first step on a slippery slope, just go over to the infidelity forum and read up. It might open your eyes.


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## Hope1964

Uh, I think maybe you need to open this can of worms. He talks like a cheater.

I will never say never, but I can't think of a scenario that would make me cheat. I WOULD have sex with another guy if my husband gave his permission, and if I was getting paid like ten million dollars.


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## Almostrecovered

hmmmm...the way your husband is talking is making me think he has plans or is engaged in an affair

any other red flags?


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## that_girl

Your husband's logic would freak the HELL out of me.

That there sounds like a man who wants to cheat, or is cheating.


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## Almostrecovered

was his marriage vow, "I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part or until someone extremely hot comes along." ?


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## ScarletBegonias

isn't this the same husband who openly checks out and praises other women's breasts??

anyway...to answer the question,I have never and will never cheat. doesn't matter what the situation is there are ALWAYS other options.


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## JenniferMarried36

He is not sexist. He is quite understanding. He blamed the guy for the affair not the woman. He isn't taking his side. My husband is in great shape, good looking and gets looked at by younger women, some in their early 20's and he is 41.

Yes he is a breast man! I can't change that, we have to learn to accept what we can't change. If I was a man I would be more attracted to DD boobs than B cups as well. I just wish he wouldn't make it so obvious.


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## that_girl

It's rude behaviour.

And his logic is alarming.

No one who isn't think of cheating, or already cheating, would say that a woman can have a revenge affair and if someone hot came along, it would be ok to cheat.

That's effed up.


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## Almostrecovered

AFTER I caught my wife cheating one of her first reactions was to say, "why don't you go get a BJ somewhere?"


why? because in their twisted world of cheating justification, it absolves them of their own sins


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## Numb in Ohio

He may be a "boob man", but as you said earlier, he doesn't have to make it so obvious.. 

My H had a weird concept as well.. he would flirt with less attractive, heavier women, "so they would feel good about themselves".... 

He felt as if he was doing them a favor... Did he really consider himself that entitled to play with other peoples feelings like that? And he would do this , right in front of me,, or while at work, and then tell me about it. 

But in our case, he was cheating as well... THAT , he didn't tell me about,, guess he felt he was doing ME a favor..

The "flirting" behavior is not appropriate,, period.


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## CandieGirl

That's pretty effed up; I'd be seriously wondering why my H was basically encouraging me to cheat if I were you. Or is he trying to set up some kind of open marriage policy? That way, if you're both doing it, it's not really cheating. Pff.


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## JenniferMarried36

He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair!


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## anotherguy

Hope1964 said:


> Uh, I think maybe you need to open this can of worms. He talks like a cheater.
> 
> I will never say never, but I can't think of a scenario that would make me cheat. I WOULD have sex with another guy if my husband gave his permission, and if I was getting paid like ten million dollars.


*nightmare scenario*

Lets say 1 million, would you still do it?

My problem is... my gut feeling... even if everyone was on the same page... that it would (eventually) ruin the relationship. Its too easy to say 'no amount of money would make me to that', but I know better.

I hope we never get the chance to find out.


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## Hope1964

1 million? Nope. 

I don't think my husband could handle it, though, in reality, so if I did get paid ten million to have sex with someone I would have to be doing it with the realization that my marriage would probably end because of it.


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## CandieGirl

A ONS doesn't have to ruin the marriage, no, but it certainly looks as though your boundaries are pretty lax. It actually sounds as though it's all part of the master plan. To each their own, but that would not be OK with me. There is no 'just a one night stand' in my world.


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## CandieGirl

...and what happens when it's 2, 3, 4, 10 or 20 ONS? Pandora's box...


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## that_girl

Yea. I'm not a prostitute so I wouldn't have sex with someone for money, especially since I'm married. What a foreign concept.

There are some things WAY more valuable than money.


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## that_girl

JenniferMarried36 said:


> He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair!


Yea. Not in this marriage. You're either in 100% or you're out.


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## anotherguy

that_girl said:


> Yea. I'm not a prostitute so I wouldn't have sex with someone for money, especially since I'm married. What a foreign concept.
> 
> There are some things WAY more valuable than money.


I couldn't agree more.

I am a strong believer that everyone has a price though - it changes your mind when you have seen it happen. (not this 'sleep with your spouse' scenario.. but I have seen it in other business dealings.) Its jaw dropping when you see someone with 'principle' fold like a $2 beach chair when it gets down to, what amounts to - more money than they have seen before. Honest to god this is the stuff bad movies are made from.

Again - You are _absolutely_ correct.

I dont doubt for a moment (without knowing you from a 1972 Dodge).. that $10mil would have the 2 of you having a very serious conversation about it. FURTHER, that you may feel you are smart (obviously, you are) that the 2 of you are stable and well adjusted adults that could overcome it for the sake of a relatively care-free life - even if 10 mil doesnt go as far as it used to.

I may be dead wrong. Wouldnt be the first time. I bet you $10 mil Im not.


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## Hope1964

Yeah, I think very few people would immediately turn down an offer of ten million like that. Or a hundred million. Tax free. Whatever the large amount of money is.

No one really knows what they'd do till the situation happened, and I don't think the situation has ever happened (correct me if I am wrong tho!) so it's purely theoretical.


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## papa5280

JenniferMarried36 said:


> He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair!


It's one thing for a couple to have experienced an indiscretion, wrestled with it, come out the other end and reconciled themselves with the guilt and the hurt. 

It's another thing to give yourselves a "get out of jail free card" in advance of any actual cheating. IMO, you've got a situation where there either is already cheating going on, or will be. After all, why not?


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## that_girl

Ten million at the price of what? causing problems in the marriage? I couldn't get over him sleeping with someone else, no matter the price. I couldn't get over being with someone else, 10 million or not.

H could make a LOT of money if he accepted a job at this one gay bar. We know people who work there and we go there sometimes to hang out with certain friends. Fine. But to work there? Gross. He could bring in a ton of money, but at the price of what?

Yea. We had that discussion. He turned down the night job. It wasn't worth it.

Our old gay friend offered H $30,000 for one night (before we were dating) :rofl: He politely declined.


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## Almostrecovered

yoo hooooo


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Um, wow! I'd be out that door. I married a serial cheater once and he had that same attitude. He also says that he can't help that women throw themselves at him. Yuck! He's so disgusting. I do agree with the above poster that he talks like a cheater.

I nor my husband ever flirt with anyone other then ourselves. I've never seen him look at another woman and I've never seen porn on his computer history. I don't care if he looks at other women, but it stops there. No flirting, that is crossing a huge boundary. My husband knows if he has an emotional or a physical affair that I'll pack mine and my kids clothes and we'd be out the door. I will not stand for it whatsoever. 

Neither of us have casual friends of the opposite sex either. This was discussed the first year of marriage and has gone very well. We are in a very happy and successful marriage of 12 years.  We also are very strong communicators as well. We tell each other everything and we believe in full transparency.


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## anotherguy

that_girl said:


> Our old gay friend offered H $30,000 for one night (before we were dating) :rofl: He politely declined.


Was your future hubby wearing his manscara or guyliner at the time? :smthumbup:

(Sorry! I couldn't resist! I'm just being goof and a dirtball.)


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## that_girl

Um...and even if he was, so what? LOL I don't know and I don't care. 

He looked gothic hot with it. Rawr. Don't be hatin'.

And that pic is NOTHING what he looked like ....geebus.


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## Hope1964

that_girl said:


> Ten million at the price of what? causing problems in the marriage? I couldn't get over him sleeping with someone else, no matter the price. I couldn't get over being with someone else, 10 million or not.


Same here. That's why if I did it, or he did, we'd have to do it knowing full well that would be the end of 'us'.

Ten million dollars would be VERY nice right about this time of my life though............................


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## anotherguy

that_girl said:


> Um...and even if he was, so what? LOL I don't know and I don't care.
> 
> He looked gothic hot with it. Rawr. Don't be hatin'.....


all in jest. m'lady. 

(But its best that you don't know) :rofl:


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## Goldmember357

yeah this is not a good thing


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## underwater2010

He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair! 

*You are right. A one night stand can be forgiven, but you will go through hell to get to a place of forgiveness. And I would hate to be the one to tell you this, but men are much less forgiving of a "moment of indescrition".*


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## that_girl

anotherguy said:


> all in jest. m'lady.
> 
> (But its best that you don't know) :rofl:


I hope he was. Not every woman is attracted to a clean cut guy. bleh. Ok. Enough shet talking on my husband. thanks :sleeping:


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## that_girl

underwater2010 said:


> He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair!
> 
> *You are right. A one night stand can be forgiven, but you will go through hell to get to a place of forgiveness. And I would hate to be the one to tell you this, but men are much less forgiving of a "moment of indescrition".*


Yes.


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## RClawson

Hope1964 said:


> 1 million? Nope.
> 
> I don't think my husband could handle it, though, in reality, so if I did get paid ten million to have sex with someone I would have to be doing it with the realization that my marriage would probably end because of it.


Please for a million bucks I would sleep with Robert Redford. I find this thread interesting so I will throw in my two cents. 

Last spring my wife and I were having a pretty intense conversation regarding cheating on the way home from a weekend out of town. I let her know I had suspected her of cheating and she was in disbelief. She stated "I would absolutely never do that". I told her that anyone in the wrong place, at the right time with the wrong person is capable. I will never forget her look as she let what I said sink in. "Your right" she said. 

I used to get shocked when I found out people I was close to ended up getting divorced due to infidelity. I am not anymore. There are very few people that walk this planet that I would consider 100% immune to this. Let's face it this topic, on this board, is a bit close to home so I would not consider this much of a scientific sampling.

By the way Jennifer I could likely get past a ONS if I never knew the guy and knew she was never going to ever have contact with him again. If someone was intimate with her (for an extended period of time) I would be devastated and would be forced to leave.


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## Caribbean Man

Well I will play the Devil's advocate.
NEVER SAY NEVER.

Everyone has an " Achille's heel" or a vulnerable point.

From early in my marriage I learnt what mine was.
Clubbing , Alcohol and friends with loose morals.
See, before marriage,it was easy for me to pick up ladies there. With little or no effort. I was good at that.

How could that suddenly change after marriage?
After a" too close for comfort " experience I learnt my lesson.......

I KNOW my weaknesses and I know situations where I would be tempted to take that chance.
I AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE.
I set my boundaries , NO CLUBBING / DISCO / PARTIES FOR ME, UNLESS MY WIFE IS WITH ME.

And she was never a " party girl", so that means I have not been in a club for quite a few years.

I have seen and heard lots of people say never,
Until their " Achilles heel" gets exposed.


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## arbitrator

I took my marriage vows quite seriously... before God, before my pastoral staff, before my children, before my family and hers, before our friends, and before our community, " to love, honor, and cherish, forsaking all others!"

That's the whole purpose of those vows~ the divine promotion of marital fidelity and security.

But for the life of me, I can't exactly recall any ecumenical codicle or clause that was read therein specifying that straying from those vows was in any way acceptable, more especially in the sight of those who came to witness that holy and binding ceremony!


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## Holland

I am extreme in my views on cheating but hold myself up to the standards I expect of others. I have no issue with porn or flirting but anything that has an emotional or physical aspect would mean the end of the relationship for me. I don't buy into the "get out of jail free" way of thinking and that a ONS or small indiscretion is acceptable in a supposedly serious relationship.

Have never cheated even throughout a long term marriage that was sexless. I am HD ex is LD but instead of cheating I changed my focus and basically let go of my desire to have sex. The result was that I also lost interest in him and ended my marriage. 

I would never do it for money no matter how many zero's. I come from an excessively wealthy family so money would not entice me. 

Love is a much more valuable thing than money, not just love but being with a partner that spins your world and brings you the type of happiness that money never will.

OP I would be concerned if a discussion like yours were to ever enter into a relationship of mine, sounds like he wants a free pass.


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## galian84

I don't know. I'd be a bit worried, too, if my boyfriend said what your husband did. 

I don't know what it would take for me to cheat. I've been tempted before, such as when I went away with my girlfriend to Vegas. We hit up a few clubs and got hit on...a LOT (2 single girls, what do you expect). Some of the guys were quite hot. Things weren't going so well with my boyfriend, I was away from him, we were drunk, my friend was single and I don't think she would have been against taking someone upstairs if she liked him enough...it definitely took some willpower to say no to them, and it helped that she wasn't interested in any of them, either. 

I really think it would take years of my being unhappy and my husband / boyfriend refusing to work with me on our problems. But then, I don't know. Even still, I probably would just leave him before cheating.

Although, for $10 million...


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## CantePe

What would it take? A lack of ethics and morals and a self entitlement mixed with pure sefishness. None of which i have and would be beneath me. I wouldn't cheat and I can say never. I take my vows that seriously.


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## Gaia

Id not have one for any amount of money. The only time I would have sex with another man would be if I were single.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia

CantePe said:


> What would it take? A lack of ethics and morals and a self entitlement mixed with pure sefishness. None of which i have and would be beneath me. I wouldn't cheat and I can say never. I take my vows that seriously.


Love this post. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson

arbitrator said:


> I took my marriage vows quite seriously... before God, before my pastoral staff, before my children, before my family and hers, before our friends, and before our community, " to love, honor, and cherish, forsaking all others!"
> 
> That's the whole purpose of those vows~ the divine promotion of marital fidelity and security.
> 
> But for the life of me, I can't exactly recall any ecumenical codicle or clause that was read therein specifying that straying from those vows was in any way acceptable, more especially in the sight of those who came to witness that holy and binding ceremony!


Nice sentiments but I know two Baptist pastors that cheated on their wives and left the pastoral world. Once again nothing surprises me.


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## Caribbean Man

For those who say never,
And those who don't understand how easily it is to get involved in 
cheating, just have a look at this interesting thread posted on the CWI forum on Sunday.
It is still currently unfolding. It is the perspectives of both husband wife.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ird-party-perspective-here-6.html#post1093244

Note the wife's reaction and justification.


"......."..All things are subject to interpretation,* whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth..."*
Friedrich Nietzsche

A strong person, is one who knows and understands his weaknesses.


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## CandieGirl

...no one is paying any of us ten million for sex...hope y'all know that...


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## ScarletBegonias

I have to say, 10mil would go a looooong way for my dream of opening a no kill shelter/rehab center for pitbulls.

but i'm not married anymore so I can't accurately weigh in on that 

i'd like to think my original answer of NO to cheating would stick. I hope I wouldn't allow myself to be a one time hooker for the 10 mil.


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## Caribbean Man

galian84 said:


> I don't know. I'd be a bit worried, too, if my boyfriend said what your husband did.
> 
> I don't know what it would take for me to cheat. I've been tempted before, *such as when I went away with my girlfriend to Vegas. We hit up a few clubs and got hit on...a LOT (2 single girls, what do you expect). Some of the guys were quite hot. Things weren't going so well with my boyfriend, I was away from him, we were drunk, my friend was single and I don't think she would have been against taking someone upstairs if she liked him enough...it definitely took some willpower to say no to them,* and it helped that she wasn't interested in any of them, either.
> 
> I really think it would take years of my being unhappy and my husband / boyfriend refusing to work with me on our problems. But then, I don't know. Even still, I probably would just leave him before cheating.
> 
> Although, for $10 million...


My experience was something like this.
And yes, it took a whole lot of will power,
And me leaving the environment , and never going back.


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## anotherguy

after reading all this.. and my (I imagine) insufferable smugness at proclaiming that everyone 'has their price'...

The mindset of not putting yourself in a vulnerable position should be obvious. There are so many stories from people that say 'i shouldnt have' and 'i didnt see it coming' and 'suddenly I was...'. People get gobsmacked too... caught unaware. Its not that someone is spineless or morally weak or not committed to their spouse, or lack willpower or any of a thousand things. Its that people are imperfect and vulnerable, naturally welcome friendships and there is a foggy spectrum between friends, flirting and _FWB_. (well not really, but you get my drift?)

That may seem horribly naive, even offensive to someone who has been betrayed - but Im not saying 'mistakes happen'. Im saying people do need to be on their guard and not be completely cavalier it. (whatever 'it' means.)


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## Jellybeans

What does it take to have an affair: the will/choice to.

It's as simple as that.


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## EnjoliWoman

I respect the opinion that everyone has it in them to cheat.

I admit I came close to an EA with my first husband. He was abusive and I was seeking comfort but I didn't let it get that far. I consulted an attorney and left after 13 years of marriage.

I hope that my BF feels the same as I do and that marriage is in our future way down the road. I tend to not put myself in a position of temptation and think I would try to work with my spouse to fix and problems we have. The problems with my first husband weren't fixable since I asked for MC for many years and he refused. 

But I can't think of any reason that would convince me an affair is the way to go. In fact, having been divorced once, it would probably be less scary and I'd be more likely to try VERY hard to fix my marriage but in the end, I'd divorce before moving on.


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## CandieGirl

And having been on both sides of the affair spectrum, personally, it's not something I'd revisit again.


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## CantePe

Caribbean Man said:


> For those who say never,
> And those who don't understand how easily it is to get involved in
> cheating, just have a look at this interesting thread posted on the CWI forum on Sunday.
> It is still currently unfolding. It is the perspectives of both husband wife.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ird-party-perspective-here-6.html#post1093244
> 
> Note the wife's reaction and justification.
> 
> 
> "......."..All things are subject to interpretation,* whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth..."*
> Friedrich Nietzsche
> 
> A strong person, is one who knows and understands his weaknesses.


Sorry but i say never because my husband destroyed me with his cheating. I could never and will never destroy someone like that. I would rather (quite literally) give up my life than destroy the heart and soul of another sentient, feeling living person. I CAN quite literally say never.


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## Caribbean Man

CantePe said:


> Sorry but i say never because my husband destroyed me with his cheating. I could never and will never destroy someone like that. I would rather (quite literally) give up my life than destroy the heart and soul of another sentient, feeling living person. I CAN quite literally say never.


No need to apologize for your position.
You can speak with confidence because you have experienced it firsthand.
And you have reasoned it out in your mind.

Lots of people don't do that. They just fool themselves.

I know a woman who's in an affair right now who I never thought would do such a thing. Her husband cheated on her for most of their marriage. her kids have grown up , and are adults now.
I asked her " how come?"
She says that its the first time in her life she has ever felt so " alive." She's in her fifties. 
She has been married for over THIRTY YEARS.
In my mind I always thought that she was a " good woman", very religious. But what I think is that she's seeing her life go by and probably justify her actions by her husband's betrayal.
He is now sick and she has to take care of him.

All it takes is just the will / choice.

A person will ALWAYS justify their actions.


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## that_girl

I love when people tell me what I would do in any one given situation.

I always said I would never have an abortion. It's just not for me. I'm pro-choice. people would always say, "well, you don't know until you are there."

Well, I was there. And I now have a 13 year old daughter from a relationship that was only 2 months old and crap and a pregnancy was the unexpected. I had the choice, but didn't, as I knew I wouldn't.

Some people have convictions that don't have a price. I lost my husband last year for only 3 months and it destroyed me. I wouldn't jeopardize our marriage again.


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## [email protected]

Coming from a woman whose husband cheated and who in turn cheated to even the score it goes way deeper then you can even imagine.

It was the very hardest time in my life. I spent months hurting way deeper then I ever care to again. Being disprespected by the one you thought loved you so deeply hurts to the core. So much so I decided he needed to feel that same pain. It was suppose to make me feel better and truly did not.

In my eyes there was no coming back from that and I felt very sad that I would stoop even lower then him by purposely discrespecting my vows all for what. We managed to do something I never saw any possibility on, we made it back together. and currently building back....

No amount of cheating is acceptable. We joke from time to time about what hot celebrates we would give a cheat pass on but to be honest its just jokes becasue if Jennifer Lopez was to suddenly take an interest in him and decide to give him some he better run to his attorney and start divorce proceedings 1st.

Dont give him the impression that any kind of cheat wether one night stand or long term ongoing is acceptable to you or you will find you are opening yourself and your marriage up to a lot of hurt.


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## bubbly girl

I've heard many "excuses" of why someone cheated...my spouse never has sex with me, the emotional connection is gone, spouse not meeting my needs....etc.

I believe there is no excuse for cheating. It's a really bad choice that a person makes. BUT "I had the opportunity to bang someone way hotter than my spouse" is by far the lamest excuse I've heard for infidelity. I don't understand how you can try and justify what he's said. I could easily see why you'd be insecure about your looks...your husband could make a Victoria's Secret model insecure.


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## CandieGirl

bubbly girl said:


> I've heard many "excuses" of why someone cheated...my spouse never has sex with me, the emotional connection is gone, spouse not meeting my needs....etc.
> 
> I believe there is no excuse for cheating. It's a really bad choice that a person makes. *BUT "i had the opportunity to bang someone way hotter than my spouse" is by far the lamest excuse I've heard for infidelity. **I don't understand how you can try and justify what he's said. I could easily see why you'd be insecure about your looks...your husband could make a Victoria's Secret model insecure.*


:iagree:

It's amazing what we will talk ourselves into sometimes; until we realize we've had enough.


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## CantePe

I would leave the marriage first before cheating. I can honestly say I have never been tempted to cheat or stray for 14+ yrs despite him cheating not even one second.

That is me though, I am determined to nevr be "that " ever. No offense to anyone who has been there, this is based on MY perspective, beliefs and life experience that are for me.


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## MaritimeGuy

JenniferMarried36 said:


> Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven


Possibly by some people but it would never be forgotten. It's going to permanently alter the relationship. 

Myself, I wouldn't be able to get past it...


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## waiwera

MaritimeGuy said:


> Possibly by some people but it would never be forgotten. It's going to permanently alter the relationship.
> 
> Myself, I wouldn't be able to get past it...


No me neither... to risk EVERYTHING for a one off fu*k???
I'm worthy of soooo much more than that! 

I don't know what my 'price' would be or if i do have one. 
I do know I've worked in several male dominated industries and had plenty of offers and flirts to deal with...

But cheating is just not who i am.


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## sandc

It sounds like he's softening you up. He probably has someone in mind that he want's to bang. He's giving you the ground rules for your revenge bang. Only thing is, after he has his, he won't want you to have yours.

This crap never works. How many threads in the CWI forum have you read? Read the "My husband has fantasies about me with another guy" threads to see what can happen. There are marriages that can stand having third parties in them. Is yours one of them?

3rd parties almost destroyed my marriage. Just saying.


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## Entropy3000

JenniferMarried36 said:


> He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair!


That is fine for your choice. A ONS in many ways to me is worse than an affair. 

Why? Because within an affair there is a seduction over time. A bonding that takes place between people. Yes this is bad as the person may leave you. But a ONS is simply a choice. A choice to cheat. No plausible denial of love or anything. Just a cold selfish decision.


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## moxy

JenniferMarried36 said:


> I guess my question is "What type of guy would it take (a super hot guy)" or "What kind of situation would it have to be, (vacation with girlfriends, etc.)" for you to have an affair on your husband?


I don't think that the kind of guy would make any difference. As long as I was making an effort to be invested in my relationship, I don't think that I'd cheat.

However, I know that most people who cheat don't intend to hurt the other person, so if I base my answer on temptation and loss...I imagine that if I ever did cheat (don't think I would be likely to do so, given that I know what it feels like to be on the other side of that coin), it would be with someone who was more emotionally fulfilling, sexually attentive, and more materially successful than my stbxh. Stbxh and I used to have a great sex life, lots of passion, best friends, financially comfortable...I thought we were soul mates and I've never been the romantic type at all; when he started cheating, he withdrew, checked out entirely and these were the things that I missed -- feeling wanted and desired, feeling connected and special, and feeling like I'd chosen a man who I could lean on if I needed to. I suppose that if stbxh gave me those things, I would never consider another source. Indeed, I went to him to try and fix things many times in the weeks leading up to DDay. I never cheated (and I had opportunity, just didn't ever take it), but I walked away when I found out that he was cheating and I'm not going to consider changing my mind until he owns up to the reality. I don't think any kind of revenge affair would be remotely satisfying or even in the score of things.

I guess that was a long way of saying that people don't usually cheat because the other person won out in a who's hotter competition (I could be wrong) and that they usually take whatever is available that fills some void in the self. I think that's why it's seductive and easy to justify. I think that's one of the hardest thing to forgive, too, that the cheater didn't give the faithful person a chance to fill that need or didn't seek the faithful partner out in the first place instead of cheating...it leaves a sort of tainted aura around the cheater for a time.

This is an interesting question, too, because it plays off of the opportunistic notion of the celebrity freebie list....


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## Entropy3000

moxy said:


> This is an interesting question, too, because it plays off of the opportunistic notion of the celebrity freebie list....


I wonder. Is this mainly a female thing? I mean seriously celebrities? I have heard people play that little game where they say who is on the freebie list. Rhat always creeped me out. In all seriousness there is not woman on this planet that I would cheat with because of who they are. There is no amount of hotness that would make me want to do this.

BUT I do wonder if for a good number of women given the chance to be with a celebrity if they would. Many women do tend to go crazy over celebs. 

That said, maybe a bunch of married guys on here would say they would be open to sex with a list of people. 

To me either you are faithful or you are not. It is not yeah I will be faithful unless I have a chance with soemone with a higher sex rank. That is not faithful, that is pathetic.

I think this is a more possible scenario for women than men though in reality. A "hot guy" will have sex with women who are not his sex rank. In fact a hot guy will have sex with a very average woman depending on the selection available to him at the moment. He may see an average looking married woman as a real kick where he gets to have another man's wife for example to feed his ego. Maybe the hot guy is just some guy in a band. Not hot but somewhat famous.


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## sandc

I don't think it's really fair to say it's a female thing. It's a cheater thing. Most women seem to have as much character as most men. And most of the men and women I know are not cheaters. 

But then I may be running with the wrong crowd.


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## sandc

I don't think it's really fair to say it's a female thing. It's a cheater thing. Most women seem to have as much character as most men. And most of the men and women I know are not cheaters. 

But then I may be running with the wrong crowd.


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## Entropy3000

sandc said:


> I don't think it's really fair to say it's a female thing. It's a cheater thing. Most women seem to have as much character as most men. And most of the men and women I know are not cheaters.
> 
> But then I may be running with the wrong crowd.


I see this as being a preselection thing.


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## moxy

Entropy3000 said:


> BUT I do wonder if for a good number of women given the chance to be with a celebrity if they would. Many women do tend to go crazy over celebs.



I do think that celeb gossip has gained a lot of popularity and that it might have an appeal and that it is excessively so among women, but I suppose that many see famous figures not as people but images, so the game is more of a safe exploration if what is considered attractive. 



Entropy3000 said:


> To me either you are faithful or you are not. It is not yeah I will be faithful unless I have a chance with soemone with a higher sex rank. That is not faithful, that is pathetic.



I don't know anyone who has a celebrity/hottie freebie list, but was referring to the general concept that's floating around out there in pop culture. 

It wouldn't work for me. Partly b/c I'm not into celeb worship and mainly b/c no ill-gotten gains through cheating hold no value for me no matter what the context (marriage, diet, financial success); I believe you have to earn what you get and establishing loopholes in advance like said lists is not worthwhile or clever but weak. Cheating has a price, too.

In my opinion, you're either committed or you're not and that means fidelity is important in gauging that. If I were getting tempted because my needs were unmet, I'd leave a relationship rather than cheat. Self-restraint matters to me. I did find it useful to think about what would tempt me, though, and why. It sickens me a little to think of cheating as a calculated choice. Just feels...greasy.

Edit: under the weather today; apologies for the poor grammar...


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## SimplyAmorous

JenniferMarried36 said:


> He replied that if I met Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling type he would forgive me since he couldn't compete with them. He says that I should forgive him if he met a Brookyln Decker type girl etc.


Ryan Gosling is a beautiful looking man, one of my favorites...But I do not believe ....I would ever in this life...go to bed with someone/ anyone, just for a quick screw, he wouldn't even remember my name the next day! What does this speak? 

If I was not the love of a man's life...in his heart .....then this would reduce me to one of God knows how many conquests....very demeaning -in my view....So not worth the orgasm...for what, a memory. 

I need the whole package....that consuming "emotional connection" flowing between 2 hearts...only the man who is going to wake every morning with me on his mind, reaching to hold me, my lips he wants to kiss... would get that. Noone else. 

I know my husband wouldn't sleep with the most beautiful woman on this earth...the #1 reason.....she is not me. He is one who needs the emotional connection also. It's not in him to go there without that. We think alike in this. 

We've touched on this subject in the past. It might be a little tempting for me -in the fantasy realm but I know I could never hurt my husband like that....and destroy something we share so deeply -having only been with each other.. just because a man was famous, available & well...might give a few goose bumps. That is not the end all, not what it is all about. 

As for Affairs /cheating....I do not believe I could remain tied to a man/ a marraige where I was not fullfilled emotionally & sexually.....If I was doing my part to love & Cherish him -while he spit on me, pushed me away...denied my needs & desires -after so much time in trying to help us get back on track... if little progress.....but more of the same......the temptation to find another would grow like a fire within....I would need my freedom .... I could never survive a near sexless marraige or one lacking affectionate Romance. I am too honest to be a cheater... but I am also too weak to remain where I am not "fullfilled" in the ways a woman craves.


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## tonyarz

at this minute it wouldn't take much!


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## *LittleDeer*

Flirting, watching porn, One night stands, emotional cheating and extended affairs are all the same to me. I would end my marriage over them.

Either you are with me, or you are not. No middle ground.

Don't put your self in situations that lead to temptation. Don't focus sexually on other people, as that leads to thoughts of being unfaithful.

So if my husband said that to me, I'd be devastated. 

I need to be the only woman for him and him the only man for me. It's all a choice though.


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## Cosmos

I would be more likely to divorce than cheat. Many years ago, I was given the perfect opportunity to do so whilst in a sexless marriage, but self-respect was more important to me than a romp in the hay.

I'm afraid your H seems to have a rather cavalier attitude towards his wedding vows, OP...


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## CandieGirl

The sex 'freebie' list with celebrities? I didn't think people actually entertained those ridiculous ideas, but then, I'm not into the celebrity scene at all. Most of the celeb names mentioned in this thread...mean nothing to me, I don't know what any of these people look like.


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## Cosmos

JenniferMarried36 said:


> He never encouraged me at all, that is not what I meant. We have 2 kids and we both agree that a moment of indescrition doesn't mean we need to end our marriage. Cheating isn't right but I agree a one night stand can be forgiven not a long lasting affair!


A one night stand can have long lasting repercussions. Think pregnancy or STD... A "moment of indiscretion" can completely change lives, not just marriages.


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## MaritimeGuy

sandc said:


> 3rd parties almost destroyed my marriage. Just saying.


That reminds me of a comment I heard one time. When asked about the demise of his marriage the guy said, "You know...I didn't really have a problem with my wife...if was her boyfriend I just couldn't get along with."


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## MaritimeGuy

Wasn't the celebrity freebie list a Friends episode?


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## Entropy3000

moxy said:


> I do think that celeb gossip has gained a lot of popularity and that it might have an appeal and that it is excessively so among women, but I suppose that many see famous figures not as people but images, so the game is more of a safe exploration if what is considered attractive.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know anyone who has a celebrity/hottie freebie list, but was referring to the general concept that's floating around out there in pop culture.
> 
> It wouldn't work for me. Partly b/c I'm not into celeb worship and mainly b/c no ill-gotten gains through cheating hold no value for me no matter what the context (marriage, diet, financial success); I believe you have to earn what you get and establishing loopholes in advance like said lists is not worthwhile or clever but weak. Cheating has a price, too.
> 
> In my opinion, you're either committed or you're not and that means fidelity is important in gauging that. If I were getting tempted because my needs were unmet, I'd leave a relationship rather than cheat. Self-restraint matters to me. I did find it useful to think about what would tempt me, though, and why. It sickens me a little to think of cheating as a calculated choice. Just feels...greasy.
> 
> Edit: under the weather today; apologies for the poor grammar...


Right. I had no doubt of your feelings on the matter. But as you put it, it is a pop culture thing. No doubt it is just a game for almost all.


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## Entropy3000

Cosmos said:


> A one night stand can have long lasting repercussions. Think pregnancy or STD... A "moment of indiscretion" can completely change lives, not just marriages.


I believe that it hurts the marriage even if kept a secret. A part of the marriage dies. Its just that the partner probably thinks it is because of them.


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## arbitrator

RClawson said:


> Nice sentiments but I know two Baptist pastors that cheated on their wives and left the pastoral world. Once again nothing surprises me.


Don't just limit it to Baptists, RC. It's so sad to say that it's just a universal, near-epidemic trait that a lot of folks, whether engaged in the clergy or otherwise, feel some inate form of self-justification and with little remorse in carrying it out! 

And giving little to no concern as to any of the "innocents" who, in the process of things, ends up getting hurt by those clandestine actions of theirs!


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## arbitrator

I can vaguely recall that while back in my college days, that a frat brother of mine was ogling a rather attractive older woman professor on campus, and proudly exclaimed his desire/fantasy to get into her pants. This woman, while beautiful, was nearly old enough to be his mother.

After a group of us told him to "get real," his comeback line was "Well, you can't blame me. After all, a hard d--- hath no conscience!"

In staying in line with this subject matter of the commission of infidelity, it's all but apparent that that's the mantra that is richly employed in these participant's promotion of infidelity/adultery. While there is a concerted and noted absence of conscience, morality, spirituality, and family, nothing really remains other than the Hedonistic, self-justifying attitude that "all will be OK; this is just one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities; no one will ever find out; no one has to or will ever get hurt."

Given that, I could never bring myself to ever commit anything along those lines knowing all of the people that I would come to directly or indirectly hurt, and, more importantly, the subsequent worry/guilt regarding my vows in relation to my personal relationship with the Creator.


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## MaritimeGuy

arbitrator said:


> no one will ever find out; no one has to or will ever get hurt


If only there were a way to have an affair such that you didn't find out about it yourself... :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans

Entropy3000 said:


> I wonder. Is this mainly a female thing? I mean seriously celebrities?


No. A lot of couples hae a "celeb freebie" list. My exH and I did, too. That doesn't mean it was ever gonna happen. Just a joke.

Also, Entrop, I've heard what you said about ONS vs. affair befoe (ONS being worse). I know someone who explained them that way too.


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## Coffee Amore

Caribbean Man said:


> Well I will play the Devil's advocate.
> NEVER SAY NEVER.
> 
> Everyone has an " Achille's heel" or a vulnerable point.
> 
> From early in my marriage I learnt what mine was.
> Clubbing , Alcohol and friends with loose morals.
> See, before marriage,it was easy for me to pick up ladies there. With little or no effort. I was good at that.
> 
> How could that suddenly change after marriage?
> After a" too close for comfort " experience I learnt my lesson.......
> 
> I KNOW my weaknesses and I know situations where I would be tempted to take that chance.
> I AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE.
> I set my boundaries , NO CLUBBING / DISCO / PARTIES FOR ME, UNLESS MY WIFE IS WITH ME.
> 
> And she was never a " party girl", so that means I have not been in a club for quite a few years.
> 
> I have seen and heard lots of people say never,
> Until their " Achilles heel" gets exposed.


:iagree:

I avoid situations where my Achilles heel would get exposed. On another marriage site the well known marriage therapist says that nearly everyone could cheat under the right circumstances and it's up to the individual to avoid tempting situations so as not to get themselves in trouble. 




Jellybeans said:


> No. A lot of couples hae a "celeb freebie" list. My exH and I did, too. That doesn't mean it was ever gonna happen. Just a joke.


We have a joke celebrity freebie list too. It's just that. A complete joke. Neither one of us seriously expects a hot A-list celebrity to arrive at our house. :rofl:


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## Jellybeans

Haha I've been waiting for Clive Owen to show up for awhile now. Lol.


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## sandc

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ryan Gosling is a beautiful looking man, one of my favorites...But I do not believe ....I would ever in this life...go to bed with someone/ anyone, just for a quick screw, he wouldn't even remember my name the next day! What does this speak?


Oh gawd... you too? You and my wife should compare notes.

He's on her list.

Yes, we both have that list too. If the person shows up and knocks on the door, then have at it. 

But the older we get, the shorter the list becomes. Some of those folks that were on the list are getting pretty hard to look at.


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## Chelle D

I wouldn't cheat..
I mean.. it would basically take a divorce. (which won't happen).

He would have to be extreemely abusive, and then... maybe then.. If I happend to meet George Clooney... well then maybe.. but only a small maybe.


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## waiwera

My h once asked me..." if you could have a ONS with anyone who would it be with?"

I hate this sort of thing and protested ... but he insisted.

I said " OK you go first"

He said " Angelina Jolie, Heidi Klum or maybe catwoman"

I said " Dave the guy who lives next door, Pete who cleans our water tanks and oh.. Mike who services our cars" 

Ya know... he's not mentioned that subject again.


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## FalconKing

Entropy3000 said:


> I wonder. Is this mainly a female thing? I mean seriously celebrities? I have heard people play that little game where they say who is on the freebie list. Rhat always creeped me out. In all seriousness there is not woman on this planet that I would cheat with because of who they are. There is no amount of hotness that would make me want to do this.
> 
> BUT I do wonder if for a good number of women given the chance to be with a celebrity if they would. Many women do tend to go crazy over celebs.
> 
> That said, maybe a bunch of married guys on here would say they would be open to sex with a list of people.
> 
> To me either you are faithful or you are not. It is not yeah I will be faithful unless I have a chance with soemone with a higher sex rank. That is not faithful, that is pathetic.
> 
> I think this is a more possible scenario for women than men though in reality. A "hot guy" will have sex with women who are not his sex rank. In fact a hot guy will have sex with a very average woman depending on the selection available to him at the moment. He may see an average looking married woman as a real kick where he gets to have another man's wife for example to feed his ego. Maybe the hot guy is just some guy in a band. Not hot but somewhat famous.


:yay::yayreach it my brother!!


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## CandieGirl

MaritimeGuy said:


> Wasn't the celebrity freebie list a Friends episode?


Besides TAM, that is the only other time I've ever heard about this freebie list. Whoever said 'Pete from next door, Tom that services ....' must be a lot like me; living in reality not celebrity fantasy land.:rofl:


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## FalconKing

Whether a woman is famous or not doesn't mean anything to me. I see beautiful women all the time at the gym, at the mall, etc... There are videos of rockstars and rappers having women throw them their bras and panties on stages. I don't believe every single one of those women were single. Perhaps those are the type of people who make those celeb freebie list. We are all people. I don't care how slim the chances are of you seeing someone. If you are telling me you would sleep with someone if the opportunity presented itself I no longer want a relationship with you.


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## Hope1964

I would rather keep my celeb fantasies in my head. I highly doubt that they'd be that good a lay in reality.


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## diwali123

Here's what it would take: he stops having sex with me for months at a time, starts being abusive to me, refuses to go to counseling or work on anything, and I have no way to get out of the marriage. Wait that sounds like my relationship with my ex and I did have a one sided EA but didn't know what it was at the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 30_going_on_50

The perfect storm!! Alcohol, far away from home, wife and I distant, and the other person knowing nothing about me, no full name etc etc. Typical ONS scenario......even then I doubt it would be sex probably oral or handjob I would feel far to guilty even in a perfect storm.

Hasn't happened in 19 years don't see it happening, but that would be how it would if it did.


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