# Need opinion/advice plz



## vistaSux (Dec 27, 2009)

Hi everyone, thank u for reading, and any help you can provide me with.

My issue. - ex wife and I separated 2.5 years ago. We have been divorced a little over a year. Weird circumstances brought us together again last Feb, and we started hanging out. So we hung out, and she didn't say the words I have always wanted to hear, which was 'I want you back'. You see, I never stopped loving her, even though she hurt me greatly. She was justified for splitting up w/ me on account of my attitude, and it took me some time to realize that was my biggest problem. So one day I asked her why she was coming around, and she said she still had feelings for me and wanted to go slow to come back together. 8 mos. later, nothing physical has happened as she was being cautious so no one got hurt. This made me feel unwanted. She stated when I asked if I should just give up on us, she wanted to remain friends, and I said no. It bugged me so much, I thought I can't have her in my life as I will always want more. But I caved because I still loved her, and a few days later we were hanging out again.

Immediate life after our initial separation -

I really suspect that she was having an emotional affair before our split, but I soon found out she went straight into a PA after our split w/ same guy as the EA. It really hurt as he used to be one of my friends, but after I found out I wrote him out of my life. They broke up ayear or so later, because he was an alcoholic. She never reached out to me though, until the February I described before.

So, always in the back of my mind I thought she still loved him. This past Christmas, we were together w/ my brother at her new house. She gave me an email that morning, and alarm bells went off, because she made a reference of a word that I only knew came from my ex friend and his family. Something she never said while we were together, or after we re established contact.( make sense?) Naturally, he was the first thing to pop into my mind.

My brother and I were arguing about our situation at home,(money is short right now) as I had been staying w/ him for the past couple of years, and my attitude was starting to turn around into being a jerk because I was constantly thinking about my ex wife and wanting her back. Well she went to her cousins house out of town, and this is where it gets dumb. - I returned the Christmas email w/ an accusation of her lying to me about still seeing this guy. She doesn't know this, but I caught her in a lie about whom she was texting on her blackberry - when I saw the name over her shoulder, (she didn't hear me walk up) and a couple min. later I caught up to her (we were shopping) and asked her who she was talking to. She told me a girl from her work. The name I saw was my ex friends father. (ex friend was having problems w/ the alcohol) My point is, she lied, and I never confronted her w/ it, because true, we were not really back together as a couple. This did hurt though.

My plea for your help/advice -

She wrote me back this morning, denying the accusation of her whereabouts on Christmas morning. She said - 'not that I owe you an explanation, but I was at my parents for breakfast! If you want to know why people think you're a jerk, it's because you treat them like crap, and push them away. **** off and leave me alone!'

I have ruined everything because of paranoia, and my reacting irrationally, which has caused me some issues in the past. I have been feeling that nobody wants me around because of this. I am not violent, so don't think that please.

Sorry if this seems cryptic, I don't want to be recognized - What can I do to fix this? Would you fix this, if it were you? I don't know what to do, and I will avoid contact with her because I need your help. I'm lost. I still love her. I am a donkey. Please help me. Clearly I dont know what I'm doing.


----------



## vistaSux (Dec 27, 2009)

65 views and nobody can help? Is this in the wrong area? please, someone answer...... I''m freaking out the way I've left things - thanx.


----------



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

I'll give it a try. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think if you have past issues with trust, you need to let this woman go. She has already had an affair with one of your friends. On top of this, you know she was willing to lie to you recently about a minor thing. If you already have a history of a problem with paranoia, you likely will not be able to trust this person again. NOT BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. Quite the opposite. The fact is she immediately had an affair with a friend of yours. Then she LIED about something recently. Both those things would take probably about a year to get over. That being the case, it seems you would need to read a lot of books and go to couples counseling just to BEGIN to make this work. Are you willing to do this? Is she? Are you even willing to let her know that you know she lied recently? It is very complicated. Maybe she would never take up with one of your friends again. But would you ever be able to forget that she did? Maybe if you have the time and money you could go for individual counseling for a few months to find out if you could or should ever trust a person with this history again. You may find it easier to find love with someone you KNOW has not yet lied to you. Hope this helps.


----------



## vistaSux (Dec 27, 2009)

lj2000 said:


> I'll give it a try. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think if you have past issues with trust, you need to let this woman go. She has already had an affair with one of your friends. On top of this, you know she was willing to lie to you recently about a minor thing. If you already have a history of a problem with paranoia, you likely will not be able to trust this person again. NOT BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. Quite the opposite. The fact is she immediately had an affair with a friend of yours. Then she LIED about something recently. Both those things would take probably about a year to get over. That being the case, it seems you would need to read a lot of books and go to couples counseling just to BEGIN to make this work. Are you willing to do this? Is she? Are you even willing to let her know that you know she lied recently? It is very complicated. Maybe she would never take up with one of your friends again. But would you ever be able to forget that she did? Maybe if you have the time and money you could go for individual counseling for a few months to find out if you could or should ever trust a person with this history again. You may find it easier to find love with someone you KNOW has not yet lied to you. Hope this helps.



Thank you so much for the reply, as it has made me feel much better. I think she is making it clear that she is not willing to do any kind of therapy, even if I was. I reposted this in another portion of the forum here, thinking I put this in the wrong spot.

Thank you for your comments, you have no idea how much your single post has helped. Whiile I was away from the comp, I just kept mulling this over, and over, and the more I thought about it, the more I'm thinking what I was doing before this little fiasco was not getting me anywhere anyway. I am feeling less and less guilty as time goes forward. Would I tell her I caught her in the recent lie? Yes I would. Reason I hadn't was fear of pushing her away, and I'm probably right. Yeah, my trust issues reared it's ugly head right after I caught the 2 of them red handed, and she denied, denied, denied. You are probably right. I would probably be suspicious for a very, very long time.

The best thing I could do, is just let her go. You wern't harsh. I appreciate the honesty, thankyou.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

VistaSux, lj2000 is right. You deserve to be with a woman who will be honest with you. I know you love your ex-wife, but it's time to let her go. It's obvious that being honest isn't where her priorities are at There is someone out there that would love to have a healthy relationship with you. Start working on yourself to raise your self confidence and self esteem. When you start feeling as if you can contribute to a healthy and honest relationship, then it will be the time to think of finding someone who will treat you with the same respect.


----------



## vistaSux (Dec 27, 2009)

HappyHer said:


> VistaSux, lj2000 is right. You deserve to be with a woman who will be honest with you. I know you love your ex-wife, but it's time to let her go. It's obvious that being honest isn't where her priorities are at There is someone out there that would love to have a healthy relationship with you. Start working on yourself to raise your self confidence and self esteem. When you start feeling as if you can contribute to a healthy and honest relationship, then it will be the time to think of finding someone who will treat you with the same respect.


Thank you HH -
This actually means a lot coming from the female perspective. I honestly thought I was and am in the wrong so much, I was expecting to be jumped all over by anyone who responded.


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome VistaSux. I hope you will be able to find positive and productive activities to help focus your passions on for awhile to help work her out of your system. Building up your self esteem is very important before you start to look for a new love interest. I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## vistaSux (Dec 27, 2009)

Just an update - Thanks to the people that responded to my questions. As always - it's appreciated.


----------



## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Glad to be of any help. I think people can change, but sometimes they are telling you that they WON'T or CAN'T change when they say they won't work on anything (in therapy or otherwise) and also when they keep doing it (dishonesty). Good luck to you.


----------

