# The Impact of past relationships on current ones



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

In a way I feel like my problem is insignificant in comparison to other threads I have read. I haven't had to deal with infidelity or alcohol/substance abuse and my H has never laid a hand on me in anger.

The problem though, is he seems to be content with a kind of business partnership in our marriage, provided sexual privileges are part of the arrangement. I feel like I am part of just a surface relationship and my marriage is empty and unfulfilling. It seems like the more I try to reach out to him, the more he pushes me away.

Looking back at the last 10 years, I realize that alot of what was missing for me is reassurance, emotional support, and connectedness. For several years I've been the support system for the entire family and had nobody to lean on during the times that I needed it.



I'm emotionally drained.




I wonder if my H's 'absence' from our marriage stems from his previous marriage. His marriage to his high school sweetheart ended in divorce after 10 years when he caught her having an affair. He has told me some stories such as waking up in the night to find her and the OM wrapped up together, but she convinced him that he wasn't seeing what he saw. She also convinced him that he beat her in his sleep. 

When my H and I met, he was 3 years out of that divorce and he basically spent those years drunk. Soon after us getting together, the drinking stopped and we seemed to be off to a good start.


But now I am realizing he was never really 'there' in our marriage and it's just escalated through the years.

I'm wondering if his ex stripped him of any and all ability to be able to 'feel' anything again.

Thoughts?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Our experiences in past relationships can definitely shape our views and actions in our current relationships. I'm sorry you're living without the support you need and deserve. Have you been honest with him about this? Have you gently told him of your unhappiness and been specific about what you need from him?

Was he "there" for his last marriage? If so, he may be afraid to let himself be open again. If he spent the years after his divorce drunk, he may not have been in a place to really deal with those feelings of rejection and broken trust caused by his cheating wife. Is he open to counseling?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Past relationships do have a huge impact on relationships that come after them. I know, for me, I've had trust issues because my ex-husband and ex-boyfriends cheated on me. It took a lot of work for me to overcome them and trust my boyfriend, and although there are still times when I have doubts, I've now learned how to deal with those doubts and put them to rest. But...again, it took a lot of work. 

When you have an issue from a previous relationship, you cannot expect it to just disappear on its own. It's an issue because you haven't dealt with it. And until you do deal with it, it's going to continue to be an issue. This is what your husband perhaps hasn't figured out yet. It sounds like his absence is really him trying to keep himself distant so that if you do something like his ex did, it won't hurt so bad. Which of course doesn't work; it would still hurt just as much. 

He needs to deal with his past, he needs to figure out some way, be it counseling or just meditation or whatever, to get past the fact that his ex-wife cheated on him. But if he won't do that, then nothing will change. 

Have you tried to talk to him about it? Have you told him how you feel? You might have to resort to "I'm going to leave if things don't change" to get him to realize how serious you are. But if you do resort to that, be prepared to follow through if he doesn't change.


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Thanks for your responses.

I began telling him about 5 years ago what I felt was lacking in our marriage. That just seems like such a long time to be hanging on and here lately I can't help but be in a state of depression over it.

Talking to him has never been easy as he's a 'sweep it under the rug' type of person or ignore it and it'll go away. He pretty much has proven that with his actions as 5 years later we have slowly but surely arrived at the miserable place we are now.

We've had several ugly arguments over it which has just managed to drive the wedge in deeper. I've mentioned divorce on several occasions and he makes it clear that he doesn't want a divorce but yet nothing changes. He says things will change but then his actions show that he's not willing to make it a priority in his life. 

I don't know if this is because he has issues with the level of intimacy because of what he went through with his ex, if it's a guy thing or what the deal is. When counseling was mentioned he said we couldn't afford for him to take the hour or so off work every week for it. Just another message to me that I'm not all that important. 

I feel I can't take the rejection any longer or the damage that it's doing to me, I'm at a breaking point.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Time to act*

Hi ButterflyKisses,

Have I said I think your husband and my wife share too many behaviors?

I really thought we had a breakthrough last week, but I'm once again a victim of my own optimism, her willingness for intimacy, closeness and sex vanished after 5 days.

I think you and I need to stop thinking our spouses will change for the better, the changes are evanescent, evaporate like dew in sunshine. As much as we love and loved them, neither of us is getting what we need and want, the frustration enormous.

I was looking for frequent flier flights to Seattle and San Francisco, a need for a new password caused me to see your recent post.

I just wish I could stop hoping things will change for the better.

Mark


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

*Re: Time to act*



ThinkTooMuch said:


> Hi ButterflyKisses,
> 
> Have I said I think your husband and my wife share too many behaviors?
> 
> ...


Hi Mark,

I too, regained hope on a few occasions. Sometimes It just seems one big hurt and it's done would be the way to go, rather than the constant roller coaster of emotions.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

ButterflyKisses said:


> Looking back at the last 10 years, I realize that alot of what was missing for me is reassurance, emotional support, and connectedness. For several years I've been the support system for the entire family and had nobody to lean on during the times that I needed it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Those things plus a few others were enough for me to end my very long relationship with my wife.

Doesn’t much matter to me what others think. My life is the only one I have.

Bob


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

My H has it stuck in his head that providing me with material things shows emotional intimacy on his part. When I tell him my view on it he tells me only rich people can have that. When he made that statement I felt like I'd married a stranger.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I understand all too well, very aware the behaviors that are mild when you fall in love have a tendency to become stronger and more disagreeable as the years roll on. 

My first wife would be easily angered by a minor disagreement, her BPD got worse and worse, within 10 years I stayed because I wanted to be close to my kids, I didn't stay because of the kids. If I could have seen that I could keep loving and parenting them, being a part of their life as I did, I would have gotten a divorce in 1979, not '84. Divorce sucks, but sometimes it is much better than the alternative - coming home to a perpetually unhappy, angry spouse, your conversations a continuous put down, sex? what's sex? 

My 2nd wife's OCD was a minor problem when we were younger, over these past few years it has taken over her life and I can't deal with her body being in the house, her head almost constantly elsewhere, I have, as I've said, decided to divorce. Scary, but I've lived through worse, I'll be fine.

Mark



ButterflyKisses said:


> My H has it stuck in his head that providing me with material things shows emotional intimacy on his part. When I tell him my view on it he tells me only rich people can have that. When he made that statement I felt like I'd married a stranger.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Butterfly, you may have to make clear to him that divorce will not be up to him if things don't change. He may feel that by placating you and telling you he doesn't want a divorce, he can get around changing. You have to make him see that that won't work. You need to decide what things you need from him and lay out a time line for him. It needs to be "I need X, Y and Z and if I don't see them by 3 months from now, I'm filing for divorce." instead of "I need X, Y and Z." You might even consider getting the paperwork and having it on hand to show him just how serious you are about it. As my boyfriend always tells me, people get away with what you let them get away with. You've let him get away with this up to now, so he *knows* he can get away with it. Show him that's no longer the case. 

Mark, I've read so many of your posts. I'm so sorry to see that you're back where you started. When I read last week that things seemed to have changed for you two, I really hoped it would stay that way. In fact, I kind of hoped you two would find a great compromise, perhaps with both of you moving to SF like you wanted and finding a great new life together. I really wish they'd stayed better for you.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*ATG - thanks*

ATG wrote

Mark, I've read so many of your posts. I'm so sorry to see that you're back where you started. When I read last week that things seemed to have changed for you two, I really hoped it would stay that way. In fact, I kind of hoped you two would find a great compromise, perhaps with both of you moving to SF like you wanted and finding a great new life together. I really wish they'd stayed better for you.​
ATG, so do I, thanks for your good wishes. I'll repeat I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick a football, perhaps I'm lucky in that my big sister (at my request) keeps reminding me that "Lucy" will always pull it out of my way.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

They absolutely have an impact! I know my cheating husband has been out of my house for over two years. I also went to counseling for a couple of years. I can tell you I don't let people get that close to me again. I basically "live in this world, but I'm not *of* this world" (as one book put it). In some ways that is a bad thing, but I'm not suffering anymore either. Maybe that is what is going on with your husband.


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Butterfly, you may have to make clear to him that divorce will not be up to him if things don't change. He may feel that by placating you and telling you he doesn't want a divorce, he can get around changing. You have to make him see that that won't work. You need to decide what things you need from him and lay out a time line for him. It needs to be "I need X, Y and Z and if I don't see them by 3 months from now, I'm filing for divorce." instead of "I need X, Y and Z." You might even consider getting the paperwork and having it on hand to show him just how serious you are about it. As my boyfriend always tells me, people get away with what you let them get away with. You've let him get away with this up to now, so he *knows* he can get away with it. Show him that's no longer the case.


I think you're right. I keep going back and forth between making excuses for his behavior and telling myself I deserve an emotional connection with the man I married. I'm so frustrated.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

you people want what you want when you want it, and expect the world to revolve around YOU.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ButterflyKisses said:


> In a way I feel like my problem is insignificant in comparison to other threads I have read. I haven't had to deal with infidelity or alcohol/substance abuse and my H has never laid a hand on me in anger.
> 
> The problem though, is he seems to be content with a kind of business partnership in our marriage, provided sexual privileges are part of the arrangement. I feel like I am part of just a surface relationship and my marriage is empty and unfulfilling. It seems like the more I try to reach out to him, the more he pushes me away.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry you're dealing with this; it sounds something like I had with my ex husband, and is most certainly NOT insignificant (sorry for the double negative). Let me ask you this: How do you know he had any level of real intimacy with his ex wife? Maybe that's part of the reason she cheated? People have differing intimacy needs and my ex needed and wanted very little; he did want sexual privileges as yours does but didn't want anything else but a business arrangement. He absolutely did not want the divorce either, but I could not live with the lack of intimacy. My ex's first wife cheated on him as well but I would tell you it's because he was incapable of intimacy; I also left him for someone else for the same reason. That and the fact that he was abusive and thought women in general were beneath him. I don't think fighting with your husband or explaining to him what you need is going to solve anything; if you tell him you're leaving him without counseling maybe he'll go and you can work it out. In my case, I begged my ex to go to counseling because I was miserable and he refused because he didn't think anything was wrong, and as long as he was happy that's all that mattered to him. Once I filed he panicked and ran to counselors but by then I was done with him. He didn't give a you know what that I was miserable, he was just looking out for his own rear end. Best of luck with this one, it's tough.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ButterflyKisses said:


> I think you're right. I keep going back and forth between making excuses for his behavior and telling myself I deserve an emotional connection with the man I married. I'm so frustrated.


It isn't really relevant whether his previous marriage "caused" him to be obstinant about meeting his wife's emotional needs.

He either does it or you invoke consequences. A refusal to seek counseling with a partner this frustrated is unconscionable. 

Lay down the ultimatum, or accept this for the rest of your life.


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## obmon (Mar 27, 2013)

I am mostly a lurker on these forums.. rarely post if ever.. but i wanted to offer an opinion here..

I'm 30. Never married. My whole life I have wanted marriage and love and all that good stuff.. but eventually I found my way into the MRA and MGTOW parts of the web in an attempt to figure things out a bit.. and the results are depressing..

I have also always, despite my desires, been apprehensive about marriage. My own parents relationship, those of my friends, and sites such as this have done nothing to assuage those fears.. even before I read books such "The Myth of Male Power", and "Sperm Wars".

Though I have never gone through the same situation as your husband, I feel that I am much in the same place.

Why should I open up and give my all to a woman who has so eroded her ability for pair bonding in her 20's that now, in her 30's, she is merely settling for me. In a culture where promiscuity is encouraged, and divorce is practically government subsidized, how can I take that risk? When all the women seem to offer is "conditional" love.. why would I put myself through that?

And, how can I avoid becoming insanely controlling as opposed to "checking out" as your husband has done? How can I possibly put my faith and trust in a woman knowing all that I know from research and experience of the opposite sex?

Hypergamy, solipsism, hypocritical entitlement (how many husbands have posted in this forum about working their asses off for their families, and still their wives want to leave due to the husband working too much and "neglecting" her. How many wives here have complained of their husbands lack of support in the home, yet full acknowledge that he spends over 60-80 hours of the week outside the home, away from those that provide him love..)? The ridiculous state of the court systems.. the misandry that is now practically built-in to society...

I completely understand where your husband's head is at.. This is where my advice would come in.. doubt it will work, but it is, for me, my last hope on the subject..

I would be willing to take that risk. To open up and give myself completely, emotionally to a woman if she first makes the following gesture of love and fidelity.

_She would need to sit by my feet one day (a powerful submissive position useful for reverse-psychology) and to reiterate my fears to me. She needs to adequately show that she fully understands my thoughts on the matter and she needs to, every step of the way, repeat the mantra that she is not like that.. that she would never do that to me. She needs to literally, vocally and physically, give herself completely over to me. To exclaim, with deep sincerity, that she is willing to relinquish her own free will, for me. She needs to do this more than once. She will need to mean it. And she will need to back this up with her actions.... I would offer nothing less in return._

It probably won't work... but you might try that. I have never seen, or heard of a woman, in this modern day, who has done something like this.. Maybe its because women think they are too good for us now.. who knows..


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