# In-Home Separation?



## strugglingwifeandmom (Jan 28, 2016)

Hi All, my first post here, but hoping to get some outside opinions.

My husband and I just "celebrated" six years of marriage, been together for more than eight years. He says he hasn't been happy the whole time, but I didn't know it until I caught him having an affair two years ago. I wasn't happy, but wasn't unhappy either, I thought the financial strain and having two small kids at home (they were 3 and 4 months old at the time) was to blame and that things would improve with time. He said he'd wanted to leave me, but hadn't because of the kids and finances. His reasoning was I am controlling and didn't want him physically. He got fired over it (affair was with a coworker 20 years older than him) and then she moved out of state. We went to counseling for a few months and things got better. 

I started to feel like we were getting in a good place the last month or so and then he was acting very strangely this weekend. I asked him what was up and after some prying he admitted he thinks we will never work out and is thinking about divorce again. He didn't want to say anything because he could see I was happier... I immediately had a breakdown and told him that he couldn't just abandon his family and he owed it to our kids to try everything to make it work. We don't argue very often, I think it has just moved to a place where it feels more like roommates than lovers. For the kids I am okay with not being head-over-heels in love if there isn't tension and things affecting them, I don't think he is however. He grudgingly agreed to try to work on things. The whole week I have been going the extra mile, leaving a loving sticky note, cooking breakfast after he worked an overnight, doing what he wanted, not giving him a hard time for constantly being on his phone and not helping with the kids and housework, sex every night, etc. 

But I can feel how disconnected he is and that he is physically participating, but not mentally. This morning things came to a head for me over a look he gave me. We had sex this morning and he helped me with the kids, I was feeling really good and I said I love you on my way out. He said it back, but his face just seemed to say, "I don't want to be here." I was hurt and then sitting in the car it hit me, no matter how much I want us to be together and I love him, I can't make him love me or be with me and it's not worth my pain and anguish trying to change that. 

I have a Master's Degree and am a highly successful teacher (nominated for awards every year and constantly asked for extra duties and recognitions). I am a little overweight (but not obese), but I consider myself a 7 (8 on a good day). I have a lot of positive energy and enthusiasm for life. I'm starting to realize that I deserve more than someone settling to be with me. Obviously I'm not the one who wants out of this relationship and I hope he changes his mind. But I have stood by him as he struggles to find anything other than a minimum wage job and does less than his share in parenting and around the house. I have stood by him through an affair and I don't want to be the only one fighting for this family. 

We are not in a financial position for separation in separate residences, but I am going to ask him to do an in-home separation and have drawn up a contract. Since we work opposite schedules and days off it will not be hard to stay out of each other's way, it will just be a matter of moving his things to the guest bedroom and staying in our own room on days we are not in charge of the kids. Here are the rules I've come up with:

Rules for Trial Separation:

1) Agree on length: ______
2) One person gets guest room and bathroom, other gets master and bathroom, do not go in each other’s spaces. 
3) Wife gets van and husband gets car, do not go in other person’s car for any reason
4) Husband is in charge of kids 100% from Tuesday-Thursday, if he gets called in for overnights it is negotiable
picking out clothes, packing lunches, transport to/from childcare, cooking, laundry, etc.
during this time wife should stay in her room or out of the house as much as possible
must keep common areas of house clean on those days
should text partner pics and update of how day went around bedtime, call and let them say good night to kids, but not talk about relationship
5) Wife is in charge of kids 100% from Friday- Monday
picking out clothes, packing lunches, transport to/from child care, cooking, laundry, etc.
during this time husband should stay in his room or out of the house as much as possible
must keep common areas of house clean on those days
should text partner pics and update of how day went around bedtime, call and let them say good night to kids, but not talk about relationship
6) Do one family activity together a week depending on schedule (walk, Desert Museum, meal, game…)
7) No physical intimacy during the separation (including hugging and kissing)
8) No dating or romantic contact of any kind (online, text, etc.)
9) Must notify partner if not coming home for the night for any reason and where they are
10) Check in once a week about relationship after kid’s bedtime
11) Finances?

I hope this will give us both perspective on what we want and if our relationship is worth fighting for.

Your thoughts?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The rules seem fair. 

If you don't mind a few questions.

You self describe as a type A person - married to a type B person. And that can work - provided the type B person is contributing to the marriage in an overall positive manner. 

Do you really love him, or is this more a matter of you loving the idea of a stable family? The reason I ask is that, you don't describe him in a way that demonstrates any admiration. 

I'm not being critical. Maybe he doesn't warrant admiration. Thing is that - admiration/respect - are essential to the survival of the marriage. If he can't figure out how to generate that response from you, he's going to struggle. 





strugglingwifeandmom said:


> Hi All, my first post here, but hoping to get some outside opinions.
> 
> My husband and I just "celebrated" six years of marriage, been together for more than eight years. He says he hasn't been happy the whole time, but I didn't know it until I caught him having an affair two years ago. I wasn't happy, but wasn't unhappy either, I thought the financial strain and having two small kids at home (they were 3 and 4 months old at the time) was to blame and that things would improve with time. He said he'd wanted to leave me, but hadn't because of the kids and finances. His reasoning was I am controlling and didn't want him physically. He got fired over it (affair was with a coworker 20 years older than him) and then she moved out of state. We went to counseling for a few months and things got better.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is more ideas for a separation agreement. This is for what is called a structured separation.. not quite what you are doing. But I think it has more topics than what you covered.


Structured Separation – A temporary, time-limited separation conducted with clear and appropriate guidelines for the purpose of rebuilding the marriage. It is understood that at the end of the separation, one or both spouses might choose to end the marriage if the separation is not successful. It should be done under the leadership of someone like your MC with weekly MC Sessions.
1.	Length of separation: Set a time limit, preferably 3-6 months.

2.	No attorneys: It is agreed that neither spouse will file for divorce during the specified time frame. Both parties have to feel safe and that they will not be blind sided with a divorce filing.

3.	Terminating the contract: Decide whether one spouse can terminate the contract or they both have to come to agreement. But neither party will unilaterally terminate the contract and not inform the other.

4.	Living separately: Spouses decide which one will move out of the home. If at all possible the spouse with the larger income.


5.	Financial Decisions: All monies should be split in a fair and just manner. Pay all bills first. Then split what is left 50/50. If one parent has the child more, then figure out child support according to state guidelines and agree to pay this on an informal basis. 

No large purchases (over $200) or debt will be incurred without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. No joint assets will be sold during the separation without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. 

Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.... If there is any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts. 

6.	Confidentiality: An agreement as to who is told and who isn’t. What are you both going to tell other people? Make sure your message is agreed upon by both of you. 

7.	MC Sessions: Agree to only talk about all the hard stuff and the bad stuff at weekly MC Sessions. Here is where you sort out problems that have occurred during the week as well as going back over the old stuff that got you to this point.”


8.	Quality Time to Be Spent Together 
1-2 weekly dates, just the two of you. Start with no more than 1 hour each. Expand the time as you both feel safe. 
1 weekly family date that includes your son. Again start with the 1 hour each and expand as time goes on.
Separate the irritation of your issues and daily life from your selves as former loves. You need a list of taboo subjects.. no talking about marital problems/issues, the affair, money, etc. Only positive fund things. The point is to do something that is fun and enjoyable, and to end before the good time gets ruined. 
9.	Chat time: If you want schedule chat time to spend together during the week. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing.

10.	Administrative Time: Weekly schedule to talk: administrative calls, where you only talk about business or kids-stuff. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing


11.	Intimate relations. Whether or not to continue with the sexual relationship.

12.	Personal Growth Experiences: You each can include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful. 

13.	Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship: No social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship. 

14.	Child Custody/Time-Sharing. Establish a joint agreement who your son will be with on which days with as close to a 50/50 split as possible. How/where/when exchanges will take place.

15.	Motor Vehicles: Ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the marriage.

16.	Privacy and Issues of Trust: 

•	Both must agree about what the children will be told about this separation and the marriage relationship.
•	Access to the others’ mail, email, voicemail, accounts, other’s places of residence, etc.
•	What is the level of transparency needed to help rebuild trust. This must be the same for both parties.
•	Are unannounced spontaneous visits allowed?
•	Is monitoring/tracking the other part allowed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think that he might be having another affair?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My sister tried something like this and they were divorced within a year. She started dating someone as did her ex and they decided that they rather be with someone else. I have never seen a separation end in anything but divorced but then again, I do not know all the married couples in the world; just in my personal world.


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## strugglingwifeandmom (Jan 28, 2016)

Update: When I told him I thought I was ready to talk about a trial separation, he had already decided to move out and is unwilling to agree to not see other people, which I think does mean he does have someone in mind if he hasn't pursued it already. I'm hurting a lot right now and wish things were different, but I will have to make the best out of the hand I was dealt. Thanks for the kind thoughts and concerns, I'm sure I'll be back on the forum to get more advice as I work through this.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There is likely someone else.

Sorry you are here.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

strugglingwifeandmom said:


> Hi All, my first post here, but hoping to get some outside opinions.
> 
> My husband and I just "celebrated" six years of marriage, been together for more than eight years. He says he hasn't been happy the whole time, but I didn't know it until I caught him having an affair two years ago. I wasn't happy, but wasn't unhappy either, I thought the financial strain and having two small kids at home (they were 3 and 4 months old at the time) was to blame and that things would improve with time. He said he'd wanted to leave me, but hadn't because of the kids and finances. His reasoning was I am controlling and didn't want him physically. He got fired over it (affair was with a coworker 20 years older than him) and then she moved out of state. We went to counseling for a few months and things got better.
> 
> ...


The rules seem fair but I hope your heart follows too. Do the 180 fully to ensure you emotionally detach.
It sounds like you are successful and your H is not, therefore a big dent to his ego. Is he depressed, playing up because he cannot make it in his field? Sounds like he is going the wrong way about it though and is blaming you, the marriage and family for his failure.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> There is likely someone else.
> 
> Sorry you are here.
> 
> Of course there is someone else. He already cheated once. Men just don't leave one women to be alone. They don't like being alone. They leave to be with another women. You are trying but his mind isn't in it. He is never going to be faithful to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> there is likely someone else.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


^ ^ ^ this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Personally, I believe most people who are ending marriages (unless it is TOTALLY amicable, which it is not) could NOT abide by these rules.

Your husband is a cheater. Cheaters do not play by "rules" or "logical contracts." (The rest of us see the logic, HE does not.)

One of you needs to move out and move on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I am so sorry you're here and hurting. The sad truth is that your husband isn't in love with you and doesn't want to be married to you. A separation agreement won't change your circumstances. All an open ended in house separation will do is put everyone in limbo, unable to heal and move on.

As long as you're both gainfully employed, it IS possible to live separately. Tens of millions of families get by on one household income. You'll have to cut spending, but it's doable.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Sad, but true. OP, please listen to this and save yourself months of anguish and agony.
> 
> 
> 
> Couldn't agree more. OP, I gave up a VERY lavish lifestyle. I am now living on my own, have a house that's paid for in full, two cars that are paid for in full, and zero debt. I wouldn't trade my independence and peace of mind for all the material trappings in the world!


We all have different views of lavish, lol. 

At one point, I considered anyone with a new car/minivan who could drink a Starbucks while pumping gas without looking at the numbers to be living the lavish life. :rofl:

People get used to their little treats to the point where they take those little luxuries for granted and don't really notice them anymore. They're just part of life.

When those people have a change in circumstances, like the loss of a job or a divorce, a lot of them don't realize they can actually support themselves because those items are such a normal part of their day they've gone blind to how much it's costing them monthly.

It's truly amazing how much money can be saved by making lunches at home, making your own coffee, doing your own brows and mani-pedi's, renegotiating cell plans or switching to a non-contract phone, shopping for an introductory rate with a different cable/internet provider, and doing your own household repairs (within reason).


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