# was married for 29 years



## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Here is a question, my ex and I separated then divorced amicably and all the time during the process we always talked about keeping close as we have been with each other for over 30 years. 

We split everything and I helped her after the fact for a while, it has been 2 years and we never talk. I have reached out trying to open communication a few times and she emails and says give it a few months. I have and still no communication. 

I feel bad we do not talk at all. She is still in contact with my mother, sees her a couple of times a month. 

I know there is nothing I can do to change her mind however I would like to make sure she is alright, My assumption is she is just doing fine, I only hope her the best. However a part of me still says make sure she is taken care of. 

I guess I am looking for open opinions. 

In retrospect if I knew years ago what I know now we probably would have worked it out. I have had plenty challenges since we separated, Loss of job, loss of house, counseling, 2 biopsies, (no cancer...Yeh)... My god child died (27 year old) a few other things that have tested me. Almost the perfect storm, anyting that could have gone bad did.

Went back to partying too hard, The ex kept me in line, I got a dui, even though I was not drunk, in court now, Mind you I am not feeling sorry for my self,, 

I may my own bed however I am a much better person, now, changed my ways, never drink, am totally positive. periodically go to church, I mentor grade school kids, found being a giving person is so much better than the other choice. 

I guess she would be proud of me,however I am proud of myself, I just think it would be good to talk to her. 

I am not sure what I am asking... just opinions. I guess.

Have a great day and be great.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Simple. She has a new man you don't know about.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

A lot of people say that they want to stay close or they want to stay friends during the process because they think it's the right thing to do, when they don't really want to. Sometimes they say they want to stay close because they don't want to lose the other person entirely, but then they find that it's too hard, and for their own sense of well-being, they just need to cut all ties. Or, maybe Bandit is right, and she's met someone new, and she can't move forward with him without cutting ties with you.

The reason doesn't really matter.

What matters is that the two of you are divorced, and you no longer have any obligation to one another. It is not your job to make sure she is "all right." This is co-dependent thinking, and you need to break yourself of this. She is a grown woman, and she can take care of herself. You need to let her go, and focus on you. Maybe she will come back into your life, maybe she won't, but it really doesn't matter.

Let her go.


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Thanks to both of you, 

I do hope she has found a good man, I would be happy for her. 

However I would not say that I am co-dependent, Just she is close to my mom, and my family, my god children miss her as she cut off them also... I may be wrong but if she is going to be involved, we need to break through this BS. As the impact is uncomfortable for everyone, cant have it both ways.

I really do care and I always will, however I know we will never get back together . Would not be a good thing as she had an affair with a neighbor and lied alot, put my dog down after the divorce (4 years old),,, The trust bridge is burned, 

As far as moving on, I am having breakfast with Sara Saturday, she is cool, the most positive girl I have ever met. Anja next week, from Belgrade and best of all coffee with Mindy on Sunday. 

For the first time in my life, I am good without my ex.


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## TheBaxter (May 19, 2014)

She took the meaning of divorce seriously. She has left her old life behind and started anew. If that means cutting all ties with her past then so be it. Your marriage did not work. Why do you think a friendship would work?

I did the same thing when I divorced my adulterous wife. Divorced her and cut all ties. Recently she wanted to get beck together but I put the kabosh on that. I'm moving forwards and have no interest in going backwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Who wanted the divorce?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

TheBaxter said:


> She has left her old life behind and started anew. If that means cutting all ties with her past then so be it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She still hangs out with the guy's mother a few times a month!

that's the weird part


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Who wanted the divorce?


Well after a few MC's and some IC's. We talked about going to a lawyer and discuss the ramification of a divorce (assets... property..etc..etc..) with the intent of shocking our reality. 

Well the shock was she asked to file while we were there talking to the lawyer. That is when she asked for separation. 

We were quite amicable....After that we lived together for a few more months and were getting along better.. LOL.. Now in hindsight she was setting me up. (shame on me in a way for trying)

Once she moved out we still spent lots of time together (many nights and weekends) Had a blast... Even went out with Family on Mothers day.. Had a great time, Then I was served papers the next week.. 

So after all that she did. As a side note, We went through a similar drill years before, after her stepping out and we did work through it. Apparently not..


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> She still hangs out with the guy's mother a few times a month!
> 
> that's the weird part



Well in her defense... My mother was her mom... Her real mom is a narcissist and never cared nor helped her and always treated her poorly. That is the hard part for me but I understand. My mom and her can talk all they want. Their choice. However it does complicate things a bit. Hence trying to break through her stubbornness.. Which she is beyond belief.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Serenity prayer:
_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference._

Wisdom to know the difference is important here. You need to accept that you can't change her.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

OK. I agree with the comment that you are co-dependent. Here is a woman who is a serial cheater and you want to maintain ties, keep her as a friend as she keeps you in line etc. 

What can I say?

I do not get it.

I would recommend IC to figure out why you are addicted to her and cannot move on. Thirty years is enough time to spend with someone who does not value you as a significant other or even, as a friend. Figure out why you need someone like this in your life, what role is she filling for you?


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Fenix said:


> OK. I agree with the comment that you are co-dependent. Here is a woman who is a serial cheater and you want to maintain ties, keep her as a friend as she keeps you in line etc.
> 
> What can I say?
> 
> ...


It is not me who needs the tie, it is the god children-and the kids she has known for 30 years. 

As far as her keeping me inline, I am inline once I got past the BS. I figured it out and am quite happy with my new life. 

I can accept this as it is. My god child just had her first child and is crushed, that the ex is not in her life. She was born 30 years ago, the ex was there and has been there for herall these years.... It kills her...

So in an effort to make the kids happy I try, I am fine either way, I can not change her, I recognize that. 

I think where I am with this, if she is going to be involved with the family, we should at least be able to converse in a reasonable fashion. Like adults. When we are going to obviously see each other at any given time. 

Better to try and expect the best while not worrying too much about the outcome. 

Thanks


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She cares about your mother but she's not interested in your godchildren. It's her choice and she doesn't care how you feel about it. Time to let it go.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It seems like you're going to come up with new reasons until one seems noble enough and sticks.

The facts are simple. She wanted out so she file divorce and left you. It was amicable because she didn't want a bitter divorce. Now you're divorced. She wants you to let her be. If you're worried about your god daughter then ask your mother to talk to your ex.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

hdfxdli said:


> *It is not me who needs the tie, it is the god children-and the kids she has known for 30 years. *
> 
> As far as her keeping me inline, I am inline once I got past the BS. I figured it out and am quite happy with my new life.
> 
> ...


This IS codependency. You're using the children and godchildren as an excuse/way to maintain some level of influence over her. You want to compel her to have a relationship with them.

You can't compel her to do anything, and if she no longer has a relationship with her children and god children, that's on her. Stop thinking you can do anything about that.

What you CAN do is step up for your children and godchildren, love THEM, and support THEM.

You can leave the door open for her to communicate with you if she reaches out to you, but that's it. But that's it. You're overly preoccupied with what she's doing and her behavior. That's neither your problem or your concern anymore. Stop focusing on her, and focus on yourself and moving forward.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You want her to show more of an interest in the God children? 

I think that is her call and not yours. 

Maybe you are curious about her? That would be natural after so many years together.


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Openminded said:


> She cares about your mother but she's not interested in your godchildren. It's her choice and she doesn't care how you feel about it. Time to let it go.


Yes you are right. However it is not how I feel about it. I take it for what it is. 

I can sit with the kids and explain this to them. I am frequently asked for me to talk to her, as she will not call them back. So I put my self in this situation. I get it. Believe I do. One thing is I have always been the middle person in family issues. I always help when I can. I love my GC's and will do anything for them. 

I will seriously will talk to the kids and explain I have tried and it am getting nowhere. It is something she just chooses to do. 

Thanks


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> This IS codependency. You're using the children and godchildren as an excuse/way to maintain some level of influence over her. You want to compel her to have a relationship with them.
> 
> You can't compel her to do anything, and if she no longer has a relationship with her children and god children, that's on her. Stop thinking you can do anything about that.
> 
> ...


Yup, I get that, I do it for the kids, and yes I care. However not enough not to date. I am not with anyone now, but I am dating a real nice girl. who as a couple of kids. 

As a previous posters said ask my mom... Duh.. never occurred to me to ask her.. This will help me get out of the middle but it is pressure that I am not sure an 83 year old woman should have to live with.


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

Having read the posts that all of you have contributed to me. Good bad indifferent I would like to extend my gratitude.

Yes I am curious as to why she will not talk to god children. 
Pisses me off but out of my control.

Even when my other god child died at 27 she never even contacted her mother a close friend of over 25 years, 

She will talk to my mother and tell her she is putting my dog down after the fact. Yes that angers me. I would have taken it back.

Overall in a way I do want to know what she is thinking. Most out of curiosity. I do not want her in my life for me, she has caused enough grief... 

The girl I am starting to date is awesome and her kids are really cool... So far. lol... 

I am moving on, and am good with my life, except the fact I had to give up most of my retirement to her. So now i have to be a bit more creative to get back to where I was. 

Thank you all 

Do not get me wrong, I know I can live just fine without her in my life. and I am... It is just sad that she is hurting people she was close to. (not me... )

This is a great place for feedback...


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

hdfxdli said:


> It is not me who needs the tie, it is the god children-and the kids she has known for 30 years.
> 
> As far as her keeping me inline, I am inline once I got past the BS. I figured it out and am quite happy with my new life.
> 
> ...



What's she say when you put the children thing to her anyway ? Dose she give a fk ?

Anyway , for now she has moved on for sure , it sounds a bit like my ex in a way.
Mine never reaches out to me ifrst , calls or whatever only when something to do with our stuff or my d.
Yet she often welcomes me open arms when l go round to see my d and wil often talk about all kinds of crap , as if in a couple situation , that type of thing. Looking for opinions and thoughts , sometimes it's even like someone to talk to. But then she's pushing the D too, go figure.

For you , wow great list of women there fella :rofl: , good for you.
But unfortunately ex is only thinking of herself right now though and whom ever she's messing round with.
Maybe she might resurface later on when the green grass dries out , we never know until l spose .

l don't think the kids are an excuse at all . That's stuff leaves terrible guilt on the one left explaining and picking up the pieces and of course you want her to show an interest and keep in touch with them .
PS , your mum would know why she won't bother with the kids . Stranegly enough though , both being women even though your her son , she might not tell you, dunno !


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

whitehawk said:


> What's she say when you put the children thing to her anyway ? Dose she give a fk ?
> 
> Anyway , for now she has moved on for sure , it sounds a bit like my ex in a way.
> Mine never reaches out to me ifrst , calls or whatever only when something to do with our stuff or my d.
> ...


Well fortunately I can explain this to them. They will know I have done what I could, the door is always open and I would never ask my mom what she is doing. Her gig... I do respect that totally.

Had a great 3 hour breakfast today with Sara... She is the most
positive person I have ever met. One of the few who suffered very adverse relationship, lived to talk about it and is almost ready to retire in two years at 40. She has great attitude and is a fabulous person. We do get along great however slow is how we go, plenty of trust for us to build and she is totally against dating anyone so far. 

Once again thanks for the feedback

Just remember every day is the start of the rest of our lives and it is new. Live it like that.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

You are co-dependent...I used to be and can see it from what you posted.

Let her go, stop worrying about her and trying to make contact. Since she is in contact with your mother, let her reach out to the children/godchildren through her if she wants. There is no need for you to be involved. 
Those that need or want to reach out to her should do so either directly or through your mother.


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

IndyTMI said:


> You are co-dependent...I used to be and can see it from what you posted.
> 
> Let her go, stop worrying about her and trying to make contact. Since she is in contact with your mother, let her reach out to the children/godchildren through her if she wants. There is no need for you to be involved.
> Those that need or want to reach out to her should do so either directly or through your mother.


Ok, I get it. Although I was doing so for others. Over the weekend I discussed this with everyone I could. I am out of it. 

To be honest it is a relief, It may appear to be codependency, however I beg to differ. It is more just putting myself in a very bad place for what I believed were the right reasons. 

Thanks for the observations and I take it to heart. I am done and moving on. It is like a led weight being removed....

Thanks,


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm the one trying to figure this out. Ex left after 28 years, he keeps trying to stay in my life,but only way on the outside. He never contacts my mom, who was his MIL for a long time, even when she got really sick. He never saw the nieces and nephews, etc. and because of that, even though I wanted to stay in my nieces and nephews lives (his siblings kids), it is too weird. The adult ones chat with me by text or facebook, but the younger ones are only available through their parents. I don't think anyone can appreciate all the losses associated with D until they go through it. I like the Serenity prayer, its what I want for myself, just miss the target sometimes. Hang in there, wake up each day with a plan to be happy that day and try not to dwell


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

TheBaxter said:


> She took the meaning of divorce seriously. She has left her old life behind and started anew. If that means cutting all ties with her past then so be it. Your marriage did not work. Why do you think a friendship would work?
> 
> I did the same thing when I divorced my adulterous wife. Divorced her and cut all ties. Recently she wanted to get beck together but I put the kabosh on that. I'm moving forwards and have no interest in going backwards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

stillhoping said:


> I'm the one trying to figure this out. Ex left after 28 years, he keeps trying to stay in my life,but only way on the outside. He never contacts my mom, who was his MIL for a long time, even when she got really sick. He never saw the nieces and nephews, etc. and because of that, even though I wanted to stay in my nieces and nephews lives (his siblings kids), it is too weird. The adult ones chat with me by text or facebook, but the younger ones are only available through their parents. I don't think anyone can appreciate all the losses associated with D until they go through it. I like the Serenity prayer, its what I want for myself, just miss the target sometimes. Hang in there, wake up each day with a plan to be happy that day and try not to dwell


Wow, sounds like my world in a way. I can imagine what you may think, the only reason I am even remotely concerned is two fold. One the kids and two we are going to see each other in the weirdest set of circumstances. With that said, I am working on a solution. I just walk away and not worry about it until it happens. However my nature is to get ahead of the game and get it out of the way. But that is me, not her.

I hope the best as it is the kids and siblings that are being punished via proxy. sad. so sad.


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## hdfxdli (Jun 20, 2014)

hereinthemidwest said:


> :iagree:


I do agree also, I do not want a friendship, just a mutual understanding that we ca be civil if we run into each other at a family function. Being proactive and trying to help kids deal with it.

They are what matters.


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